Datasets:

gigant

/

reddit_tifu_oreo

like 0

[ "obligatory disclaimer - this happened a few years", "ago.", "i was building a part for a portable equipment", "rack at work and using my home wood shop to do", "it. it was a pretty simple little device, two 2x4", "pieces of wood about 24 inches long glued", "together with a couple bolts as stops. ingenious", "me wanted to cleanup the dried glue that i had", "applied the night before before i went in to work", "at 6am. so i'm out in the garage, where my shop", "was, wearing shorts and my flip flops, as the", "concrete floor was cold. this becomes important", "momentarily. i got my 1\" wide wood chisel out and", "took the cap protecting the razor sharp edge off", "to use it the clean off the glue. pretty normal", "activity, except i set it down on the workbench", "near the edge. it rolled slightly on the round", "handle and fell off, going edge first through the", "side of my foot near my toe. i was bleeding", "profusely at 6am, and trying to wrap anything on", "this to control the bleeding. i run though the", "house (carpeted) and wake my then wife to take me", "to urgent care. after waiting a couple hours for", "urgent care to open, i get 7 stitches in my foot", "and a house that looked like a murder scene...." ]

[ 0.01135573915862504, 0, 0.28700212601296304, 0.3312528512039598, 0, 0.09992680291221176, 0.21906244653121584, 0, 0.10686671598790908, 0.26156398968497546, 0.43207965198011644, 0, 0.33883301141491423, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0008487181954777655, 0.18389113389524836, 0.003337079546816226, 0, 0.1533328484085434, 0.1776905150080088, 0.6733002339240582, 1 ]

[ "today at work my co worker comes inside yelling", "there's a massive bug out in the wash. sure", "enough there is a massive water bug/beetle thing.", "i'm not kidding. it was 3 inches long and it was", "walking along the floor. we are both girls and", "are both scared. she just wanted support i think.", "it was a dead day, no one was around so we had to", "deal with it. i take the wash wand in my hand and", "think \"i'll just blow it into bits with this.", "worked for the spider and the moth\". nope. it", "blew it over and it angrily got up and started", "walking faster. i switch to soap to poison it", "(non toxic but maybe it would hurt it. nope. so", "we use the wand and push it outside the garage", "door. i go back in my office and continue doing", "paper work. i hear the door open and see her", "running on the camera. the bug was super pissed", "off and then it flew at her face and was making", "this clicking sound.", "then. out of no where like 10 of these freaking", "things emerge from the darkness clicking at the", "lights in there so we start screaming. we awoken", "some spirit by pissing off it's friend. now the", "outside of the store has a huge amount of these", "nasty bugs and the car wash has a few. no clue", "what to do so we just left it. moral of the", "story. don't piss off nasty bugs. they come with", "buddies." ]

[ 0, 1, 0.18977245797221323, 0.3888740156941312, 0.0633765374701842, 0, 0.24552825937523265, 0.5651477000570808, 0.5792745033865531, 0.3888561673416469, 0.3789460625621854, 0.06306178464131457, 0, 0.32102369361016747, 0.5241889040342126, 0.05103714016888852, 0.3740185487814709, 0.2989963217975346, 0, 0.225516166164769, 0, 0, 0, 0.9383371545077875, 0.6606138331637084, 0.5109537607036274, 0.25481056300897165, 0 ]

[ "happened yesterday.", "i was in school having fun, and i felt like", "making fun of hitler. so, as i was bored while", "eating lunch, i decided to draw a quick sketch of", "adolf hitler. i drew him as good as i could in a", "matter of 5 minutes, and i put swatstikas all", "over him. because i drew it quick, it was pretty", "sloppy. now i have to think of something. bingo.", "i'll put tits on him and make him look gay, then", "call him gaydolf titler. i drew tits on him, and", "then tried to make him look gay. i made his smile", "look as gay as possible. then i put lines in his", "hair for maximum gay. then for the hell of it i", "drew people saluting in the background, a", "concentration camp, money coming out of his belly", "button, all while holding a shekele. i then drew", "jewish stars on tents, and i fucked one up. i'm", "bad at drawing symbols. this is where the fuck up", "begins, lunch is over, i put it in my backpack. i", "forgot about it for days. well it turned out i", "slipped it into my report, and i was scanning", "gaydolf titler into a report accidentally. alls", "good, all papers are scanned and i put them into", "a usb. it was report day. i had to show a", "slideshow of my report to the whole class. all", "going normal, until i show gaydolf titler. i then", "explained what i thought was the slide was. \"here", "is the total conclusion to my report.\" people", "laughed. i was confused, teacher was angry. i", "look, gaydolf. i was expelled from school after", "that.", "here's a picture: https://imgur.com/a/u4y2x", "edit: yes that is a luger against his head" ]

[ 0, 0.10808274626118686, 0, 0, 0.8824872660693673, 0, 0.4129835203863958, 0, 0.08650801596763594, 0.9196586840709542, 0, 0.090693011361041, 0.007371416821656267, 0.7512839485368856, 0, 0.5030555412176202, 0.08755618920837693, 0, 1, 0.014296129572634552, 0.018605651987230437, 0.7668039181025906, 0, 0.2692245453320128, 0.11632487285664511, 0.8922547585202337, 0, 0, 0, 0.14160680266413436, 0, 0.2601783987776529, 0.003858096204851701 ]

[ "so as a backstory this happened yesterday night.", "my s/o had a babysitting job in a really fancy", "neighborhood. it was supposed to be from 7-9 but", "it ended up running until 11 o'clock. i decided", "being the great boyfriend i am to run and get her", "food as she said she was hungry. fast forward", "after waiting 15 minutes for mcdonalds to make 10", "nuggets. i arrived at a house that could only be", "compared to a small castle. so they had a long", "driveway but i decided it would be smart to park", "on the side of the road outside their long", "driveway. i then proceeded to run all the way to", "the door drop off the food. i then thought it", "would be a good idea to see how fast i could run", "to my car. so there i am sprinting to my car on", "the side of the road with my car and headlights", "still on as i notice lights coming down the road.", "i hop in my car and u-turn and drive back to my", "s/o house 3 minutes away of which i realized i", "was being followed by a cop who i was questioned", "by when getting out of my car. another cop then", "showed up at my s/o babysitting house wondering", "if she was ok and if the robber was armed. she", "answered the door with nuggets in her mouth", "trying to explain that it was just me bringing", "her food. the cops informed her that they took my", "tags and that there was break ins in 4 houses in", "the neighborhood the past two nights. needless", "to say the cops showed up at the house the next", "day and she was not allowed to babysit at that", "house anymore.", "edit: thank you all for siding with my s/o", "however, she found another family to babysit who", "was a lot more clear with rules and even laughed", "at our situation haha." ]

[ 0.0978986988283737, 1, 0.04803673445011308, 0, 0.3171261974314463, 0.14865360993085222, 0, 0.06765811520364476, 0.22650946459170956, 0, 0, 0.22109420882750125, 0.3383589009989159, 0.05141123567659884, 0.6447060248712836, 0.22017793032071903, 0, 0.9668367534473586, 0.06722161453335948, 0.7204354381990029, 0, 0.7671526437756678, 0.2472269542048206, 0.07097525865142941, 0.0631706742148682, 0.9232161143499047, 0.9055140384720777, 0.016167908563723785, 0.6388641320457156, 0.2805135575503892, 0, 0.21075441139185547, 0, 0.5855006347312783, 0 ]

[ "so i just recently started a job at a game store", "in canada. the work and stuff is pretty great but", "i haven't been there for too long so i'm not", "entirely up to date with where everything is", "located in the store/store systems. as i go to", "the bathroom in the back to take a post break", "dumb i find that the lights are off for the first", "time since i've worked there. looking around for", "the switch i find a small square panel with a", "button under it. thinking of it as a lightswitch", "i press it once only to find nothing happen i", "continue looking for the switch only to finally", "find it tucked under a plastic shelf. after doing", "my business i get back onto the floor with my", "coworker. after about 5 minutes two police", "officers with weapons readied come into the store", "to put our hands up. turns out the square panel", "with the button i pressed was a panic button for", "if the store was getting robbed. after us telling", "them it's a false alarm they cleared the building", "and asked for our id's. when writing down our", "information and asking us questions some 20 year", "old fuck nut came into the store, looked at the", "officer with his rifle, looked at us and said in", "the most obnoxious voice conceivebly possible", "\"uuuh is this a bad time?\" in which i wanted to", "slap him/tell the officer that he was in fact the", "robber and to arrest him. this was followed by", "frantic calls from my manager asking what the", "hell happened. the cherry on top of the shit cake", "was the fact that the security of the mall where", "the store is located cuts the phone line so the", "police couldn't call to see if we were in fact", "being robbed before they sent the police in." ]

[ 0.009788174067503175, 0, 0.05447789872529111, 0, 0, 0.06569048609258546, 0.060887065970180045, 0.5034085321519521, 0.06436018300669188, 0.8443464053853255, 0, 0.5446967854336657, 0.06080130257391095, 0, 0.1444581878888545, 0, 0, 1, 0.0961811966491268, 0.0633088654845518, 0.08377875462365676, 0, 0.14699700090839374, 0, 0, 0, 0.09597302445901225, 0.09162399308078506, 0, 0, 0.11124524742221581, 0, 0.05436128465621209, 0.13121808397407345 ]

[ "this happened 6 months ago. first a description of", "myself: i am 6.4 \"tall and 330 pounds, i am a", "male nurse and i live happily watching sports", "instead of practicing them. at the beginning of", "the year my girlfriend ended me and in her", "farewell speech made me realize that she was", "bothered by my obesity, this happens at the same", "time that my friends start to obsess over the", "gym.", "then i say to myself: fuck it, i'll change my", "physique. i got my gym membership and looked for", "a routine on the internet, for this, with my", "large size and height all my life people have", "seen me as the strong man of the group, asking me", "to move this or lift the other, it is for this", "reason that to see the rest of the people raise", "enough weight i am mentally forced to raise equal", "amounts, especially to impress the girls i know.", "big mistake, one of the worst mistakes of my", "life.", "the first few days were all good, i arrived", "tired home, but it was nothing special. at the", "end of the week, death caressed me, so to speak.", "i began to feel a sharp pain in my right leg, i", "did not give much attention, until the pain", "increased. that night i decided to get drunk to", "placate the pain.", "at dawn i woke up, i knew something was wrong,", "when i wanted to get out of bed i did not feel my", "leg, as if i had been amputated, i analyzed it", "and had some big black lines in the back. i", "called for emergencies and was hospitalized,", "suffered thrombosis in 4 veins of my right leg", "because of the excessive effort of the gym, the", "doctor tells me that i have a high risk of a clot", "to travel to the brain and die, so i must keep 4", "to 6 months, without walking, or even being able", "to sit. thanks god i survived, and i will never", "be so stupid again." ]

[ 1, 0.05092547463926723, 0.12703307033610095, 0.13960022966685434, 0.4785018545902077, 0, 0.06706247631580067, 0.06832944760293101, 0.5440656447382447, 0.011498898353453085, 0.734517831026846, 0.452916366396721, 0.14045808110507663, 0.009643934039545103, 0.3942218336940309, 0.06888534421871921, 0.5801427960747858, 0.3504486329584895, 0.10974828580787255, 0, 0.2873096318006218, 0.009099247704383862, 0, 0.4751104854332027, 0.10049104296925879, 0.09244597032315571, 0.23803812496626603, 0.028985016968237236, 0.00586544987290951, 0.021216749871442026, 0.44635729609998726, 0.3885716028666302, 0.1671218278558472, 0.6056251135995029, 0.4493322292463779, 0.4825627023800953, 0.968040606731876, 0.05088913976988154, 0 ]

[ "hey, guys. i just made my reddit account so super", "reddit noob here.", "anyway, this happened yesterday at around", "12:00am. i get really hyperactive if i'm up late", "at night. i started feeling wired and it's just", "all weird. but, now to the story. so a few months", "ago, my cousin gave me his old ihome he used as a", "clock/radio, but it also has a 32-pin dock for", "older apple products (mainly ipod touch 1-4 and i", "think older iphones). so, when i got myself a 4th", "gen touch, and since he didn't want his ihome", "anymore, he gave it to me. i was pretty happy. he", "said that the dock might've been messed up or", "something. but, the only thing wrong with it was", "it didn't charge like i was supposed to. but, i", "didn't care. i loved it. but, more recently, i", "couldn't fall asleep, so i thought i could mess", "around with it; take the dock apart and see if it", "shorted out or something because earlier in the", "day, it completely started to mess up. so, i", "unscrewed some screws, put them to the side, and", "scavenged around, taking the glory of the", "motherboard in (i'm a tech person).", "unfortunately, the last screw got away from me", "and fell into the ihome. so, i rattled it around,", "trying desperately to get it out, and it", "eventually came out. i was both stunned and happy", "that it came out (was still scared that it", "would've gotten stuck). unfortunately (again),", "while the screw was rattling around, it *must've*", "hit the ac input, causing the entire ihome to", "short out! i was so mad, i didn't even know what", "to do with myself. i was stunned, sad, mad, and", "just overall unhappy. so, i tried to screw", "everything back up but i was so mad, i couldn't", "even steady myself to screw them in. so, i said f", "it and just put it away in my closet, never to be", "used again." ]

[ 0.12650970369780729, 0, 0.04257948778806134, 0, 0.35063300016610843, 0.059207440119771866, 0.664807496925117, 0.001269056567405132, 0.3423707695187226, 0.10061141160284214, 0.007336790971934185, 0.02616003541836703, 0.46774475410200234, 0.25077739910989805, 0.007326261268275069, 0.023147098072666142, 0, 0.6671201610415621, 0.055383844336404954, 0.0074711874492114205, 0, 0.14429384368359002, 0.3860092126126637, 0, 0.44659340206695314, 1, 0.17817911774494338, 0.4787173012212029, 0, 0.2543814424620224, 0.12583740517150896, 0.05118551417272583, 0.21500908914262962, 0.24740115491133133, 0, 0, 0.008739593575056846, 0 ]

[ "i saw queens of the stone age a couple weeks ago", "and it woke up the guitar player in me after 10", "years of slumber. i still had an amp from back in", "the day and my brother-in-law loaned me an old", "electric to work on while i save up for a new", "one.", "but of course i'm insecure and live in an", "apartment so i wanted to find a way to keep my", "learning private and also keep the volume down", "for the new downstairs neighbor. i plug in the", "headphone jack from the amp into the line-in in", "my sound card for my beautiful barely a year old", "top of the line pc i built last year.", "so last night my wife is watching shameless while", "i have audacity picking up the guitar and", "recording while i test levels. then i turn up the", "overdrive on the amp and after a few strums i", "start hearing the guitar come through the tv", "followed by the sound fading out for 2 seconds", "before returning.", "now i had set the \"listen to line-in\" function to", "\"off\" so this shouldn't be happening. i thought", "maybe i was hearing just the strumming from the", "actual guitar and that it might have just been a", "quiet point in a monologue on the show.", "so being the mad scientist that i am, i try to", "see if i can reproduce the results. keep in mind", "it hadn't crossed my mind yet that this may be", "overloading the sound card.", "two more strums later and the sound goes out for", "good. realtek starts freaking out and detecting a", "plug-in and un-plug of the speakers over and", "over. all i hear is a high pitch hum coming out", "of the speakers.", "i reinstall the drivers and it sort of works but", "the output volume has to be low and i have to", "turn up the volume from the receiver - with is 30", "years old and doesn't have a remote and is on the", "other side of the room.", "and also it sometimes doesn't work. sometimes i", "just hear a ticking over and over. just once has", "it faded away and allowed regular sound to break", "through.", "i guess it's time to buy a new sound card.", "new guitar fund is now at -$200.", "edit: i am blown away and super appreciative of", "the response on this. everyone has been super", "helpful and supportive and that's awesome. i", "learned a lot, most importantly, replacing the", "sound card won't be nearly as expensive and", "possibly be better than the original, leaving", "more money for more hardware and software to", "assist the end goal.", "thanks everyone!" ]

[ 0, 0.1838959787372815, 0, 0, 0.9954234428573085, 0, 0.07555948082236084, 0.02130085375358423, 0.00023151190072766175, 0.1340194625944502, 0.7558218723805156, 0.4380376788292493, 0, 0, 0.2762416143716677, 0.009761204254033734, 0.28066527937756824, 0.04057162175234563, 0.09038382539132118, 0, 0.2510160980409117, 0, 0, 0.18787141092372572, 0.1233999413176535, 0.15149638098275436, 0, 0, 0.5688382735460173, 0.16821063958545315, 0.045288241594841905, 0.0004048231937608553, 0, 0, 0, 0.03500085838309113, 0.0003363925868649847, 0.21710592224719397, 0, 0.0004048231937608553, 0.044709620884593564, 0.22946927915592716, 0, 1, 0.7052456547251608, 0.07793909378300395, 0.019564246915242254, 0.011496398160081255, 0.010982688779212064, 0.3164286203620172, 0, 0.3386185817105951, 0, 0 ]

[ "this happened 2 years ago, my family and i were", "going back to our home country for a vacation", "after 8 years and after all that happened, we", "decided to take a trip to visit my mom's place on", "the opposite side of the country by plane a week", "before we had to go back home having already", "visited my dad's place. the airport is 3 hours", "away by car and it was 2 am in the morning. we", "make it to the terminal and go up to our", "airline's booth. an employee asks us where our", "passports are at and my blood turned cold. i", "personally thought that citizens of our country", "did not require a passport when travelling", "domestically, or at least that was the way it was", "many years ago. the employee, who wasn't having", "any of this nonsense, said that we can re-book", "the flight at a fee and just come back at a", "different time. having paid a lot for the car", "trip there and having to pay the re-booking fee,", "this was an unforgettable fuck up, all because i", "thought my home country was welcoming to its", "citizens. and we never got to visit my mom's", "place (my mom wanted to visit her dad's grave.)", "well as a family we may only have been penalized", "for humiliation, but we were also penalized money", "for my mindset, never again will i forget such an", "important document, heck, i can't even remember", "as to why i decided to leave it in my dad's", "place." ]

[ 0.05065636874793767, 0.07698544711831706, 0, 0.10248293180818013, 0.08556486629659386, 0.12304745811577827, 1, 0.443270282731573, 0, 0, 0.1007341782115544, 0.11386831079499399, 0.058616641341336144, 0.029818373580779173, 0, 0, 0.39352982277190945, 0.09071266358963222, 0, 0.04872696602525297, 0.11410334857252753, 0.09203771609037031, 0.038808325926198914, 0, 0, 0.03448076152247141, 0.0394266133116101, 0.07202280904936101, 0.13445349268090864 ]

[ "so this did not happen today, but back when i was", "about 6. it was the summer holidays and i was at", "my uncle's house. one day my cousin jokes about", "someone having their tongue stuck in the freezer,", "not having listened to another word he said in", "that joke i instantly thought of doing it myself.", "remember, i was only 6. then a couple days go by", "and in the afternoon when everyone is taking a", "nap, except for my other cousin, i head to the", "refrigerator. the freezers back then needed", "manual defrosting and it always had some ice", "stuck around. i opened the freezer and without", "thinking twice touched it with my tongue. now,", "the other cousin was watching this wide eyed,", "with horror on his face but i couldn't see much", "because i couldn't move my face. i began to cry", "and everyone woke up. most of them were laughing.", "they weren't sure what to do so i ended up", "pulling myself away from the freezer and bled a", "little. i'm 23 now and i still have a scar on my", "tongue that doesn't let me forget." ]

[ 0.15585140438460476, 0.09689103964585186, 0.19854804749174992, 0.8522564821926849, 0.12252610433726523, 0.3854792423381044, 0.08546641898503121, 0.6201535164737113, 0.14763154545720766, 0, 0.15505130953360594, 0.7017741680812472, 0.150625112500637, 0.11767365374994161, 0, 0, 0.0023325238730737873, 0, 0.8005689344966926, 1, 0.3081959789244077 ]

[ "just happened about an hour ago and i'm currently", "at the er waiting for the x-ray tech to come grab", "me. also please forgive grammar, having a rough", "time using my phone but thought this would be a", "good outlet to help with the bad anxiety while i", "wait.", "anyway i f'ed up bad ... a simple fall trying to", "field a ball in the outfield . had a little fall", "and heard a click in my shoulder. stupid cause i", "thought it would be great fun and i don't even", "play ball...", "the part that has me worried is that i own and", "operate a small pool service. without the use of", "my arm i could lose everything . also doesn't", "help i have no insurance... not sure what to say", "or do from here besides pray", "edit for not being long enough hopefully this", "works", "edit after reposting: ok so i've been typing this", "for way to long but i guess the deal is that my", "right shoulder is dislocated... i'm waiting for", "an iv and i suppose they're gonna knock me out", "the the michael jackson drug and then put it back", "in.", "just sitting here waiting... trying not to panic.", "please think positive things for me", "ok latest edit, i'm alive!!!! thank god!", "hopefully the post goes they this time. the meds", "have made me a bit woozy so sorry for trying this", "so many times", "also i'm posting this finally about 3.5 hours", "from when injury happened" ]

[ 0.07448698709076917, 0.1028105701752374, 0, 0.5834327435186374, 0.0920226420240026, 0, 0.10997001266795316, 0, 0.8219191420362104, 0.2272027618765965, 0, 0.07257123321080652, 0, 0, 0.7984131085006595, 0, 0, 0, 0.16777924927738117, 0.4090281597712266, 0.4905272908651444, 1, 0.6471641477147586, 0.26624630777162134, 0, 0.027843918711329484, 0.2713286230668721, 0, 0.05373707105206328, 0, 0.13325450402918898, 0 ]

[ "this is really a story of two fuck ups, the first", "from a few months ago:", "#1 (a few months ago): i am about to pull out of", "my garage when i realize i don't have my", "sunglasses. i hop out and run to grab them from", "the shelf near the ... when i hear a crunch. the", "car was in neutral, i left the driver's door", "open, and now the door is pointing an a direction", "no car door should ever point. the door shuts", "fine, but doesn't seal right, and driving on the", "freeway sounds like the windows are all down.", "#2 (today): i'm getting gas, there is a discount", "for a car wash, and my car is super dirty. the", "instant the wash starts, i am literally getting", "soap sprayed in my face. i scramble and find", "some dirty gym socks to try to block the spray,", "but the socks are socked within seconds. an epic", "battle ensues between water and cheap, sweaty", "cotton. the water wins.", "edit: sorry about the formatting, but now it", "belongs with the post, and i am not changing it." ]

[ 0.010054192679892035, 0.14572033986570743, 0, 0.39968639787704596, 0, 0.13846951559744444, 0.6076581494864632, 0.31906204840853347, 0.4879096892681924, 0.3560560663055021, 0.012481644214549021, 0.04814280575513942, 1, 0.24100603934666906, 0.9424237820993774, 0.8969921688300012, 0.28967598081207, 0.2614544619171042, 0.08956533239998088, 0.012481644214549021, 0.005836673760521406 ]

[ "this happened 12+ years ago. its still one of my", "favorite stories.", "i worked in it consulting company at the time.", "maybe they needed you for a single issue (printer", "doesn't work, computer won't start) or general", "help for long periods of time. i got assigned to", "this client that was a drub rehab organization", "for 6 months and this was my second day there.", "let me preface this that my wife worked at a", "mental hospital. everyday she would come home", "with a story of how her patients had some", "different foul odor. so that was foremost in my", "mind.", "i get a call from the methadone clinic that their", "printer doesn't work. it was in the office of", "this very nicely dressed woman. the printer was", "an old hp laser printer that was really heavy and", "it was on top of one of those 4 drawer filing", "cabinets. the only way to get to the printer was", "by standing on one of the fabric chairs she had", "for her clients to sit in. i'm working on it and", "i'm twisting and turning trying to maneuver the", "printer around. all of a sudden i get a whiff of", "dog shit. thinking back to my wifes stories i", "assume that a previous guy in the methadone", "clinic smelled of dog shit and was in the room", "right before me. so i'm twisting and turning this", "big ass printer and the dog shit smell gets", "stronger. i find that odd as i would think the", "smell would dissipate as time went on. eventually", "the dog shit smell is overwhelming. i look at the", "lady and she is pretty and nicely dressed, so i", "know she doesn't smell like dog shit. then i get", "paranoid that she smells it and think somehow i", "smell like dog shit. i look down and the fabric", "chair is smeared in dog shit. i get down and look", "down the hallway and see shit shoe prints the", "whole way in. someone let their dog shit on the", "sidewalk and i unknowingly stepped in it and", "tracked it in.", "i get down and tell the lady \"uhhhhh someone", "didn't clean up after their dog and i tracked dog", "poo in here and rubbed it in to your chair.\" she", "calls maintenance and says \"how do you get dog", "poo out of a chair?\" then says \"no you heard me", "right how do you get dog poo out of a chair?\" in", "45 seconds the maintenance guy comes in and see", "the horror i made of his building.", "i'm completely embarrassed that on the 2nd day of", "a 6 month contract i'm now known as \"dog shit", "guy\".", "i run back to my desk in shame and write my", "supervisor the whole tale. i go back to my", "companies office and as i walk in my supervisor", "see's me and doubles over laughing. he grabs my", "hand takes me to a closed door meeting with the", "owners of the company. they see me and all laugh.", "he shared my email with the whole company.", "i didn't get in trouble thankfully." ]

[ 0, 0, 0.1560050797562568, 0, 0, 0.11978537517386514, 0.058485201568230116, 0.9268785135553694, 0, 0, 0.00011331251900528908, 0.0008131839287117699, 0, 0.07655312559347074, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.03843170121750842, 0, 0.2978423922303812, 0.28056403418912174, 0.16510141653518906, 0.6234310332977013, 0.29569617875358395, 0.467617660557209, 0.00011331251900528908, 0.13688338235946546, 0.012011126075661873, 0, 0.15362643438629883, 0.12702498731315917, 0.10628627702189358, 0.14230033647999016, 0.6226744816788355, 0.5086467998764912, 0.02598379433923598, 0.13101487616167096, 0.6188928900852801, 0.11081271275299302, 0.14186204286761034, 0.4304647491925091, 0.5894836240570441, 0.15331870594158997, 0.6021773971783645, 1, 0.102465937647961, 0.05092945744331486, 0, 0.7650297610277383, 0, 0.2788810049061748, 0.20955028956791655, 0.36649185251385846, 0.0008131839287117699, 0.6963294659766395, 0, 0, 0.26319516597029224 ]

[ "so i woke up yesterday morning and was much", "hungrier than usual. i was feeling lazy, so", "rather than make something a bit more elaborate,", "i decided i would just have some mini ravioli.", "the electric can opener didn't feel like working,", "so i had to use a manual one. now, as some of you", "may know, certain chef boyardee cans have an easy", "open can, i didn't have that kind.", "and for whatever reason, this one can was sealed", "up like fort knox, so i was having a hell of a", "time opening it. it was so hard to turn the", "handle and the teeth (for lack of a better word)", "of the can opener kept slipping out of place.", "after a while, i finally managed to cut open", "about 85% the lid, but i didn't want to have to", "struggle with the can opener again.", "so i figured i'd just pull the lid the rest of", "the way off. bad idea...", "i started prying open the lid, and it was sort of", "working at first, but then my thumb lost it's", "grip on the lid because there was sauce there. i", "tried to put my thumb back under the lid, but", "miscalculated and ended up slicing it open on the", "exposed jagged part of the lid.", "i didn't realize i had cut myself until a few", "minutes later after i finally got the damn can", "open and was about to start pouring the ravioli.", "i noticed a red droplet in the bowl and realized", "that it wasn't sauce.", "so i washed the cut and put a bandage on my cut,", "and then i ate the ravioli." ]

[ 0.0139415729045554, 0, 0.051627791275589315, 0, 0.11602230138161367, 0.1777066866322864, 1, 0.22821071362301587, 0.3640084964422414, 0.43317359003880074, 0, 0.19248965675212232, 0.6629986806705084, 0.041787168850447524, 0, 0.632990649065491, 0, 0, 0.4357746960609505, 0.20402733475188436, 0, 0, 0.009823201378372486, 0.26553538354048106, 0.037845318169114885, 0.10090999525322747, 0.011479182024428816, 0.40962795742444724, 0, 0.36316389060739673, 0.22436827890598185 ]

[ "well, today i found out that i fucked up but the", "act itself was a few weeks ago:", "my bil lives over in the us & every christmas we", "send him a box of cadbury's chocolate to remind", "him of home. so from mid november the parcel was", "sitting in our kitchen waiting to be addressed,", "then early december rolls around and i think \"if", "we don't act soon this will get caught up in the", "holiday post and not get there before 2017\"", "taking the initiative i found my wife's address", "book, looked up the surname, jotted it down,", "mailed it off.", "so since christmas my wife has been checking in", "on him asking has he received it and he hasn't,", "so tonight we got to the bottom of it: his new", "address is in her phone, the address i sent it to", "is his ex-wife (who he's going through a messy", "divorce with, and who has an eating disorder!)" ]

[ 0.008237501565467936, 0.04843734148247615, 0.08676690582468335, 0.826507525515252, 0.015718208404235497, 0.13039813856307514, 0.010614418935015723, 0, 0, 0.16872834976705725, 0, 0, 0.3566999342440611, 0.02972387911630941, 0.11899697012006304, 0.39454859727213126, 0.18473648754013827, 1 ]

[ "this was two weeks ago, before christmas/holiday", "break (which lasted two weeks). i'm a senior in", "highschool, and i should've know better. anyway,", "my 2nd hour class was going to have a christmas", "party, where people bring in food and drinks.", "during the time i was on a strict diet and", "decided to bring in a fruit tray for my own", "benefit instead of eating the typical breakfast", "food. this fruit tray had your regular fruit in", "it, strawberries, cantaloupe, grapes, and apples.", "in the middle of the fruit was that sweet yogurt", "dipping sauce for your fruit. this was hardly", "touched by anybody, including me, so it was", "decently filled by the time class ended. and when", "class ended, i just took the fruit tray and laid", "it in my locker to get after school. well", "needless to say, i forgot the fruit tray in my", "locker. i came to this realization once i got", "home. i figured it wouldn't be that big of a", "deal, i didn't want to go back to school and get", "it either. fast forward two weeks and along comes", "the almighty fuck up. when i opened my locker", "early in the morning, i was welcomed by a sworm", "of flies escaping my locker followed by a", "disgusting smell of moldy and decomposed fruit", "and yogurt. the fruit tray was completley empty", "of fruit, and what remained was a thick brown", "green slime nestled in one of the corners. the", "entire tray was filled with maggots devouring the", "abomination of shit i left over break. but that's", "not the worst part, all of my books and folders", "were covered in the smell. my entire locker", "reeked, not to mention the school was 80 degrees", "that day, which only intensified the shit smell.", "the yogurt even managed to leak out of the tray", "and onto the bottom of my locker. forming the", "most disgusting stain i have ever seen. it was", "brown, and smelled horribly. the slime that was", "at the bottom of my locker managed to climb up", "into my 2nd hour supplies (ironic right) and had", "actually got into the shakespeare book, hamlet.", "the book began decomposing, each page filled with", "fruit juice and the disgusting fruit/yogurt", "slime. the pages had begun browning, a repeated", "pattern of the wet pages filled the book with the", "slime shit in every single page this was the", "worst part. the book had become a nest of the", "dried up slime. the book was royally ruined.", "unable to be repaired due to the slime that had", "gotten into it. i do not have the vocabulary to", "describe just how revolting this picture was. the", "entire bottom of the book was brown, the book", "actually had pieces falling off from it. my", "folder and notebook also had the slime shit, and", "they smelled the worse. one of my friend", "witnessed this happen, and almost threw up due to", "how horrid my locker was. it wasn't until the end", "of school that i got it clean. i had to get on my", "hands and knees with a brush and mr. clean", "cleaning spray to get rid of the sick slime shit.", "i then sprayed the shit out if my locker with air", "freshener. i had to completley clean everything i", "had in that locker, the smell is still present;", "however, the stains and slime shit is gone. the", "only remain is a strain of the dried slime shit", "on my locker, running from the lock to the floor.", "my locker has been ruined....all due to a fucking", "fruit tray and yogurt." ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.2265620613998806, 0, 0.03534654435573099, 0, 0.06776036601338956, 0, 0, 0, 0.024358534193079408, 0.08164017594032585, 0.3006621886377439, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.20194130775979469, 0, 0.23756686192575183, 0.4658230124397053, 0.3910916980748129, 0.0008980076033015431, 0.030605728545026644, 1, 0, 0, 0.1852901782812453, 0, 0, 0, 0.0892064770396206, 0, 0.06656401674688407, 0, 0, 0.8288378811852227, 0.47992473491208126, 0.13180157755330524, 0, 0.02489468860016897, 0.05610771600861738, 0, 0.15346696799118825, 0, 0, 0, 0.0006174728322005847, 0, 0.0009390844370525268, 0, 0, 0.0012886796676940472, 0, 0, 0, 0.00017733275325242304, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.49656957687719416 ]

[ "so my sweet girl loves her woodzees dolls (they", "are the budget version of calico critters.) they", "come in little family sets of 4 for a bunch of", "different animals. she asked for and got some", "from her cousins for her birthday a year ago and", "my youngest niece then wanted some of her own for", "her birthday and we reciprocated.", "fast forward to christmas eve, which we spend", "at my sil house. my daughter is basically a tiny", "bag lady. anytime we go anywhere she stuffs her", "little back pack full of toys to share and play", "with. she does this on christmas eve and spends", "the evening hanging out with her cousins in their", "play room, then packs up her back pack and comes", "home to wait for santa. day after christmas i'm", "cleaning out my car and the back pack is on the", "floor, open, toys everywhere as usual. i see this", "one little black and white woodzee dog and i", "don't recognize it, like, at all. i think maybe", "she took if from her cousin? in fairness to me,", "my son did have an issue with stealing at that", "age as many kids do, so it was not a completely", "unreasonable thought. when i ask her about it,", "she says is hers. i ask when she got it and she", "says she got it for her birthday. i know she did", "not get any this year but i assume they were", "maybe from last year and drop it.", "until today, when i came across it in her room", "again, remembered the doll and my niece, and", "absolutely convinced myself that they were the", "ones i bought my niece, and my sweet girl must", "have taken them home on christmas eve. i'm gonna", "parent the f outta this i tell myself. i'm going", "to handle this like a pro and i am going to raise", "a well adjusted young person if it kills me god", "dammit!", "it's after lunch and she's tired. she's been home", "sick all week and still not feeling great but on", "the mend so obviously a perfect time to confront", "her. i ask her where it came from, she says it's", "hers. i'm like 50% certain she has taken it from", "her cousin since i remember seeing her cousin", "with it at some point, so i push. i tell her", "that sometimes we make mistakes and that is ok,", "but we have to admit it when we do, and try to do", "the right thing. she starts crying and this only", "serves to convince me of her guilt so i push", "harder. i ask if maybe she saw that her cousin", "had woodzees she didn't have and she wanted them", "so she took them by mistake. she tearfully tells", "me they were a gift. i push, i tell her i would", "have seen it if it was a gift, that it's not ok", "to lie, that it is important to tell mommy the", "truth because that is what we do in this family.", "i tell her i'm going to call auntie to check it", "out so if auntie is going to tell me something", "different she should probably tell me first.", "she's sobbing and she doesn't want me to call", "auntie so my conviction grows deeper.", "i'm trying really hard not to f-up this", "parenting moment. in my mind this moment has the", "potential to set the stage for a life time of", "crime and lying. i'm desperate to get her to tell", "me the \"truth\" while reinforcing that i am a", "parent that will love her no matter what and can", "be trusted to come to in moments of crisis. she", "climbs into my lap for hugs, she is shaking with", "tears. i tell her i love her no matter what and", "if she made a mistake she should tell me and i", "will help her make it right. and she says it! she", "says to me that maybe they got into her bag by", "mistake. i ask if maybe she took them because her", "cousin had them and she wanted them, and she", "agrees with me. confirmation. i tell her it's", "not ok to take other people's things, that we", "don't do that in our family, that if there is", "something she wants she should talk to us about", "it, that she's not always going to get what she", "wants but it's important that we talk about these", "things. she is crying and hugging me. i'm saying", "to myself, this is good, you are being a good", "parent right now, you are going to get it right", "with this kid. i'm grandious, absolutely", "delusional about what a good job i'm am doing", "handling this issue. this is a defining moment, a", "core memory. she is going to grow up believing my", "mother is tough but fair. i tell her she did the", "right thing to tell me the truth and that we need", "to apologize to her cousin and return it. she", "agrees. she calms down a little bit. i ask her to", "lay down and rest for a while as she is clearly", "exhausted and she agrees. i'm relieved, proud,", "satisfied!", "i call my sil, i tell her the whole story, she", "says,\"that's it? i thought somebody was hurt, no,", "those are not ours, we don't have any black and", "white dogs but i think we gave them to her last", "year? i'm pretty sure they are not ours, but i'll", "double check when the girls get home.\" my heart", "sinks. i thank her and go into my daughter's room", "and lay down with her.", "i apologize profusely. she starts crying again. i", "tell her i made a mistake and i feel really bad", "about it and i ask her to forgive me. she tells", "me i should apologize for making her cry twice", "and i do, and i hug her and start crying myself.", "she says she forgives me and she loves me no", "matter what. i ask her why she told me she did it", "if she didn't. she says i was pushing her and i", "wouldn't stop and she started to think maybe she", "did take it. :(", "i feel rotten. i feel worse than rotten. this", "little girl has saved me in so many ways. there", "are days that i am sure this little person is the", "only one in the whole world that really loves me.", "she is so incredibly resilient, and she seemed", "to feel better fairly quickly. she is back to", "singing and playing without a care in the world", "right now so maybe not a complete f-up. all i can", "think is that i'm going to screw this kid up, she", "deserves better than this. today it's fine, my", "apology was sufficient, but how many passes do i", "get? how many times before these terrible moments", "add up and i've left her emotionally scarred,", "damaged?", "i have history with this btw and should probably", "get my ass back to therapy. my mother used to", "accuse me of wrong doing all the time, to the", "point that i figured i may as well start doing", "the things i was accused of and enjoy myself", "since i was going to get in trouble anyway. today", "i did the exact same thing to my kid." ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0.038305133766347935, 0, 0, 0.008372465686882083, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.00009968404917183542, 0, 0, 0.0006052104764489972, 0, 0, 0.040124371796555786, 0.39835739544651644, 0.25908844987701446, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.008188074570211545, 0, 0, 0, 0.0005155575634420891, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0003858114357441032, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.00022893824681702372, 0.010528778618624177, 0, 0, 0.4290418050478292, 0.39801666535488717, 0.02079853574034369, 0.13367000951953162, 0.0002704602943474848, 0, 0, 0.10153065578325443, 0, 0.01622364138543038, 1, 0, 0.4266193640584813, 0.051584389844008226, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.01426005269851964, 0, 0.07101422346043378, 0.024069136115121462, 0.00009620546960768089, 0, 0.00032620365831534067, 0.0009926613169172313, 0.044491616422865074, 0.009961402226573863, 0.004586563081141255, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.008719565785507316, 0, 0.11070165016201824, 0.0003114427785153286, 0.005261750975366763, 0.023341083424714186, 0.07903012405497165, 0.03967124952105697, 0.00002330677753330258, 0, 0.010312762379670144, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.008361261334551876, 0.00019323481900569822, 0.16291388592938333, 0.3196981922245759, 0, 0, 0.00011587475517608724, 0, 0.018058471228513524, 0.004675041158192082, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.14966931416704937, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.00984741727916832, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.08095991157977289, 0, 0, 0 ]

[ "so i was playing on a cs:go surf server around 7", "pm. my parents were out on dinner. so i seized my", "opportunity of an empty house to go mess around", "on mic. so one of the players started jokingly", "making moaning sounds into his microphone. half", "of the server joined in and 5 minutes in i was", "doing it as well. the whole point was to anger", "the admins. i guess it worked, because soon", "enough he restarted the server. so i just joined", "a new one.", "i kept doing this for a while and i got a good", "laugh out of it. it was 8:30 already and i hadn't", "noticed the time. my parents came home and i was", "still messing around. i didn't hear them enter,", "but they could hear me. later i heard them", "talking in the kitchen, and thought they just", "entered and didn't hear me. oh, but they did. and", "that was what they were talking about.", "the very next morning my dad called me to his", "room. i didn't think much of it at the time. but", "then he said \"son, i am disappointed in you.\" i", "was wondering why he would be. he then told me", "that he heard me last night. my mind was racing", "with thoughts. he then told me that it's not", "alright to be homosexual, because he's christian.", "i didn't know how to explain it to him. if i told", "him i was messing around he wouldn't understand.", "he then just excused me from his room and didn't", "talk any further." ]

[ 0, 0.355984328556347, 0, 0.47632155056611003, 0, 0, 0.24868903481905796, 0.32412234127913103, 0, 0, 1, 0.6877080885510929, 0.9492004950493038, 0, 0.1565446966424507, 0.04114590202192254, 0.5286925910298184, 0, 0.12634622344917654, 0.23031886170756571, 0, 0.14885574969422924, 0.12179247357014857, 0.14122953540004332, 0, 0.24878945313966516, 0, 0.4709806821193839, 0 ]

[ "so about a week a half ago i found out that all", "the times i had dropped my phone without a case", "on that didn't result in any visible damage were", "due to ungodly luck. i say that because the last", "time it fell it finally landed straight on the", "screen and completely shattered it. this wasn't a", "big deal to me however, because the phone still", "worked and i figured i could order a replacement", "and swap it easily.", "nope. when i skimmed amazon i searched for", "\"iphone 5 screen replacement kit\"(tm) even though", "i have a 5c. as it turns out, the connectors to", "the logic board are different between the 5 and", "5c, and in trying to replace the screen i not", "only broke the original, but also lost some of", "the screws. now i'm left hoping i can just maybe", "science the shit out of the connectors and", "somehow connect the originals to my replacement", "screen. i suppose i'm not getting a job as an", "icrack phone technician." ]

[ 0, 0.7934602541925857, 0, 0.026988528437552502, 0.08598806525100458, 1, 0.2677328029671234, 0.2736533267886451, 0.5474651498587286, 0, 0.14155639128171912, 0.6026836384012308, 0.4027356039597197, 0.8682531670431168, 0, 0, 0.08506100708487939, 0.582674861425919, 0.2557991310729928, 0.46430925879687746 ]

[ "traditionally this tifu happened about a little", "less than a month ago.", "so i'm sitting with my friend at a hookah lounge", "and we have this thing where when one of us goes", "out to smoke a cigarette outside and forgets his", "laptop open, the other tries to fuck something up", "but only slightly and something that can be", "undone instantly.", "so anyways that situation occured in which my", "friend ended up leaving to smoke a cigarette and", "take a phone call outside and forgets his laptop", "open. to me this is a golden opportunity to fuck", "something up for him and piss him off later", "because he never forgets it open. so now i'm on", "his laptop, i figured why don't i just copy and", "paste all his folders on his desktop and just", "fill up his whole desktop with duplicates of", "folders that are already there.", "thats where i fucked up.", "one of the files on his desktop was his hard", "drive. he has a macbook pro and leaves his hd", "there to easily access his subfolders. so anyway", "here i am randomly copying and pasting shit", "including his hard drive. i did this about 3", "times. mind you, his hard drive has a capacity of", "512gb, and he had already used around 350gb", "meaning it only had a little over 100gigs left.", "so anyways after i did that thinking it would be", "hilarious that he'd come back to a computer full", "of files and folders not knowing his hd was", "copied and pasted like 2-3 times over, he comes", "back and decides to show me a funny youtube", "video. after 2 mins into the video his hd just", "crashes and he gets the famous blinking question", "mark. so he's like wtf did you do and i'm there", "like i didn't do anything (cuz i was panicking", "thinking how the hell could i have possibly", "messed up his hd by copying and pasting folders)", "and then later on i realized its because i", "suffocated his hd by copying and pasting it over", "3 times.", "i still have the laptop trying to figure out how", "the hell i can fix it for him even though it's", "not showing up in his disk utility and is not", "recognized at all by the computer, i cant even", "backup his files because nothing recognizes the", "hd, not even my external or an", "enclosure........and he doesn't have a backup at", "all..." ]

[ 0, 0, 0.2656961221034951, 0.23366303005583117, 0.2967058227051268, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.1380874780485649, 0, 0.20582837908623228, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.2850620785799724, 0.07131827101923452, 0, 0.13901935750127004, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.16629527331768673, 0, 0.1301414315799882, 0.40762648016678854, 0.900519519656414, 0, 0, 0, 0.4107685255531059, 0, 0.7971027179528914, 0, 0.06105180125512113, 0, 0, 0, 0.4024331419927858, 0, 1, 0 ]

[ "[not today] december 10, 2016. background; i am a", "stage manager & technician (as a student), hired", "by the district that i am a student in. on this", "particular day, my task is to come in early in", "the am and open the auditorium for a state(?)", "speech & debate tournament that is set to use", "every room in the building. they are using the", "auditorium to do their opening remarks and", "whatnot and won't be back in until they do", "closing remarks and awards at the end of the day.", "well, as it happens my particular stage is quite", "special, as the front section of the stage is a", "very expensive and massive elevator aka “the", "lift” that can go from our stage level to our", "orchestra pit level or all the way to the", "basement which is our storage area. anyways, as", "the speech & debate team does they like to raise", "a table of their awards and trophies and whatnot", "from the basement to the stage level. and me,", "being a creative stage manager thinks gee", "wouldn't it be swell to add our fog machine to", "this dramatic raising of awards.", "as it is morning and they won't be back til the", "end of day i am planning on leaving after they", "leave, and coming back to run their closing,", "locking up and leaving. the fog machine will be", "theoretically used during this closing for just a", "couple seconds, as it disperses some mad thick", "fog.", "so here's my fuck-up: since i am leaving, i'd", "like to be ready to run the closing upon my", "return. so i plug said fog machine into the", "basement, while the lift is up. while lift is up,", "you can't open the access door. we have never", "used this fog machine on stage, and it has only", "been ran once before, not by myself. so i plugged", "it in downstairs by the and i see that it has a", "red led labeled “warming” and a green led labeled", "“ready”. the red led was lit indicating it was", "warming up so i walked away. i went back upstairs", "and sat at our front of house soundboard, where i", "would be working. i can see where the students", "are waiting in the cafeteria through the lobby", "doors, so i am ready for them to start.", "i thought the machine would warm up then wait to", "be activated. i was at the sound board waiting", "for the students to come in. i was just chillin", "on my phone. all of a sudden, the silence is", "broken by the awful screeching of the school fire", "alarm. now normally, we are lucky and get to", "ignore the alarms backstage as they 99% of time", "do not pertain to us. however, this was the 1%", "that did. my first thought is to spin in my chair", "and look in the cafeteria and i'm like, tf? weird", "day for a fire drill… then the realization that", "it must not be a drill but there must be a fire", "in the school! now i get to think, “at least i", "don't have to go outside.” i spin my chair back", "to the board when my eyes suddenly see the root", "of the alarms, as i look back at the stage and i", "see there's smoke coming out of the stage,", "through the maybe ½” space between the stage and", "the lift.", "now i get to freak out. oh fucking shit fuck me.", "so i start running around the building trying to", "get the people to not go outside, it's cold and", "it's not a real fire that they have to evacuate", "for. too many people, i'm not loud enough. so i", "give up on trying to spare them from freezing", "outside unnecessarily.", "now i then remember we have two custodians in the", "building who will have access to the system and", "they probably need to know what's going on. i", "know these custodians by name because i'm here so", "often working. so i need to let my guys bill and", "paul know what's going on and they maybe able to", "get the alarm to stop.", "so i'm sprinting through the crowd of students", "who are evacuating trying to find bill or paul", "and i see paul first and i say “it's me it’s me", "it’s coming from backstage it's a fog machine”", "and then you know he's like oh shit. so i run to", "find bill and he's tryna turn off the alarm and i", "tell him what happened too, but the alarm isn't", "shutting off. so i'm pacing back and forth at the", "panel and i'm thinking what do i do over and over", "again. at this time, paul calls someone at the", "fire dept. to let them know they don't need to", "come.", "then i'm realize that i never actually checked on", "the machine! it's still running in the basement!", "so i sprint back stage and run downstairs and the", "whole. fucking. basement. is fog. i couldn't see", "in front of my face. the alarm is very loud in", "the basement. i walk through the fog and find the", "machine and yanked the cord out of the wall to", "turn it off.", "i kept running around like what do i do what do i", "do. the alarm won't stop because there is no", "circulation downstairs, but the smoke detectors", "are downstairs, so you see; the fog not moving is", "going to keep tripping the alarms so i have to", "clear the basement somehow. luckily i have access", "to the hvac system through a special log in. i'm", "able to open the dampers 100% and open our garage", "doors. however at this point the lift is still at", "stage level and the fog is just slowly getting", "pushed through a gap. i decide i have to operate", "the lift in sections to release fog into the", "hall, but slowly so we don't fog up the hall.", "then as i'm running around backstage i can hear a", "siren heading our direction since the garage", "doors are open. shit. the fire department’s", "coming! oh fuck me i'm dead! i stand outside and", "signal them to stop at my side of the building. i", "quickly explain that it's not a fire in the", "school but a fog machine in the basement. they", "come inside and i show them to the basement. i'm", "explain the bit about the circulation and what's", "going on and they are mad as fuck.", "so they tell me they have to find the fire alarm", "panel for my part of the building, which is a", "rather new addition. the main school board", "doesn't control past the front of the stage and", "we are directly below that. no one knows where", "that is. paul calls his boss and he doesn't know.", "so now i’m pacing around and i decide i have to", "call my supervisor who's asleep at home. i call 7", "times and on the 7th he answers and i explain", "again briefly what happened and said i'm sorry i", "messed up but they need to get to the panel. he", "told me where the panel was and that we'd talk", "about this later. in the meantime paul got a fan", "going downstairs. it's all circulating pretty", "well, should be cleared in just a couple more", "minutes.", "but then the fire department wants to know what", "it was doing there, how it got turned on, is the", "basement secure and more prying questions and", "just as i was going to explain that it was me,", "one of the two men threw out his quick hypothesis", "which was that some random prankster student must", "have ran down here and did that. and i agreed.", "they left finally and the tournament was still", "ahead of schedule when they took the stage. i was", "shook up for a couple more hours.", "the next monday, my supervisor and i looked at", "the machine and determined that it has a timer on", "it, that i didn't know was on of course. the", "machine can function how i assumed it did, but", "with the timer off. with the timer on, it will", "disperse a set amount of fog for a set amount of", "time then wait for a set amount of time and do it", "again." ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.11584027900506512, 0, 0, 0.005832150847975444, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.021502023902269747, 0, 0.2528547663479301, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0748864127395173, 0, 0, 0.023012295740846105, 0, 0, 0.05618635115174554, 0, 0, 0.007147488106084299, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.00650628998743795, 0, 0.8065714824392787, 0.0328158508649331, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0474260160063236, 0, 0.1811267565096895, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.18036990537233272, 0, 0, 0, 0.3860531574614994, 0, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.006704312458387505, 0, 0, 0, 0.0008160358013608018, 0.014092354344846895, 0.15428743630045816, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.3003218482913298, 0.007408291651966031, 0, 0, 0, 0.057201902961226826, 0, 0, 0, 0.9208313258061491, 0, 0, 0, 0.40803789083965664, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.029415349525674234, 0, 0, 0.4642012042152862, 0.7506520443331224, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.006228890511013195, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.544846161285074, 0.19188456408154336, 0 ]

[ "so for context, i've had some personal tragedy in", "the past few months, and i have not really been", "into dating. one day around 3 weeks ago, this", "girl asked for my number. we exchanged numbers", "and planned to connect closer to after the", "holidays.", "so i text her last week, being like \"hey want to", "hang out\". she asks me what we should do, i", "recommend going out for a beer or two. we agree", "to go out today (jan 4th).", "so we're all ready to go, and this is where it", "all goes downhill.", "she tells me last night that she's not over her", "ex, and doesn't want to go out today. i believe", "her, but maybe it's because i haven't dated in a", "while and i have my own baggage. i tell her i'm", "pretty choked and i go on to send around 5-6", "paragraphs worth of texts with me expressing my", "disappointment.", "i wish her good luck and delete the text message,", "i even go so far as to block her number. i'm just", "so disappointed. i decide around 4 hours later to", "unblock the number, she responds with:", "\"actually i feel like we should give this a shot\"", "\"hello\"", "\"ok be that way, i'm blocking your number btw\"" ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0.2902825854789224, 0.411789666687164, 0, 0, 0.8991208387005103, 0, 0.25407149679159247, 0.000029454505257206167, 0, 0.06084141006562478, 0.13418534915401228, 0.7708144138064493, 0.3622300603231915, 0.8487199277125252, 0.595449511761638, 0, 0.01866078623063949, 1, 0.6475897323778973, 0.8177607062497525, 0, 0, 0 ]

[ "this was about four years ago, i was in first year", "at the time (irish secondary school standard -", "sorta like 7th grade in the us) and the school i", "was in a system where in first year, near the", "beginning of our secondary school experience, our", "mandatory subjects would be taught in our", "tutorial class. in order to get used to the", "system. each class had its own computer and its", "password was one of the following: \".\", \" \" and", "\"cat\". the teachers were not the most tech savvy", "and the students figured out that these were the", "passwords for all computers in the school.", "one day after school some random fella came to", "our tutorial room and went on pornhub, at the", "time i didn't do anything because i assumed that", "the classroom would be checked by the teachers", "and the browser tab would be cleared. he used a", "vpn on his phone to get there.", "day later, we came back to school all hyped up. i", "had technology in the first class and other", "options in the first set of classes before our", "lunch break. we arrive back in our tutorial class", "and i realise that our computer is still on the", "pornhub tab. i told someone to keep watch", "(thought i could be the hero for the class and", "stop our class for being blamed for the", "situation). as soon as i was about to close the", "tab a teacher walks in and sees me on the tab.", "he started to ask why was i watching porn in", "middle of school. i tried explaining what", "happened and that a teacher would come into the", "class in the next period and our class would be", "in trouble for no apparent reason. the teacher", "just walked off and closed the tab.", "forward the time towards the end of the day and", "my class was in religion watching the dark", "knight. my tutor blasts through the class door", "asking for me and told me to pack my bag. i got a", "reaction from my class as i left and he brought", "me to the tutorial class and told me to insert", "the password.", "i hesitated and forgot the password and he asked", "me what i was doing watching porn in class and i", "explained the whole situation to him. i wasn't", "able to name the fella who did it and the teacher", "looked angry. he told me that it wasn't he end of", "it and let me go then.", "the next day our class was in p.e and in the", "lockers our class decided to have a brawl and we", "got a few bruises (our p.e teacher didn't give", "two shits about us and was on his phone). the", "word spread and our tutor got to know about this.", "he gave the whole class detention for 2 hours", "because of these events. he then gave me", "detention for an hour for 2 weeks for the", "previous events. people thought that i was the", "snitch because in the end i only had to go for", "one of the 10 detentions." ]

[ 0, 0.02551097042702124, 0.0004754939583024857, 0.0001843752135091393, 0.27551449394822974, 0.2056517933326346, 0.3956857601529832, 0.07443739359710862, 0.5927464138647707, 0.0008770222026873265, 0.01246595746594086, 0.02592098085081497, 0.07243516457613144, 0.011577491283318024, 0, 0.5033573118114865, 0.2120171202156271, 0.11581117943057742, 0.4125838739803898, 0.34727557474503645, 0.33962673775512037, 0.04887415251215505, 0, 0.0880981440091622, 0.5409199528444263, 0.4571589923957156, 0.23831117727282847, 0, 0.0587536666934886, 1, 0.011577491283318024, 0.38265417190305545, 0.0008770222026873265, 0.01387292791205652, 0.5192246291773369, 0.3330862001554477, 0.3629932618616037, 0, 0.023533905412326712, 0.37374634438065385, 0.038472709820232584, 0.01299347127754947, 0.03519482842869969, 0.3093662088011401, 0.13812513731645207, 0.010309864309734301, 0, 0.28381135406828406, 0.3893878802210412, 0, 0, 0.021880997824467154, 0.2214528038302113, 0.08751728567688483, 0.01345130765465236, 0.0014045360142959397, 0.09171245336036926, 0.5246590878808718 ]

[ "obligatory \"this actually happened 3 years ago\"", "preface. i had just moved to florida on an", "internship with disney. i previously lived in", "washington state, which outside the city limits", "of seattle, is actually a very conservative and", "gay-intolerant state. so, until this point, i was", "straight because everyone around me was likewise", "too scared to be gay, and so there was no", "opportunity to even entertain the idea of", "experimenting.", "orlando was an entirely shiny new world, and i", "learned i'm actually gay as fuck. i can't deny", "that i was a little promiscuous with my newfound", "sexuality in the beginning; imagine never tasting", "sugar until you were 21. i learned of new things", "i never would have believed existed, and one of", "those things was grindr. if you're unaware, it's", "the gay version of tinder, and the main goal is", "no-strings-attached hookups. literally 9 out of", "10 guys would agree to fuck an avocado if it hit", "them up on this app, and i'm a pretty attractive", "guy.", "it's winter time now, and i'm boarding my plane", "to visit family for the holidays, and by this", "point, logging onto grindr is just force of", "habit. there's two guys in my terminal, both of", "which were too busy for a quicky, none on my", "plane, and an incredibly hot and tattooed man", "working for chicago's tsa during my layover,", "which unfortunately only lasted for 20 minutes", "and i wasn't about to get stranded in illinois.", "by this point, i've been teased with chat,", "pictures, and dozens of profiles i rifled through", "during my 9 hour flight, and was crazy horny by", "the time i got to wa.", "it was a redeye flight, so i landed around noon", "in seatac, and my mother drove me home. we have", "to pass through a town called tacoma in order to", "get to my hometown, and i was in the backseat", "with my face glued to grindr the entire way. i", "was hit up by an incredibly hot guy while passing", "through tacoma, and my mind would not have me", "spend this afternoon any other way. i immediately", "made plans with my friends from a town next to", "tacoma to give me plausible reason to drive back", "out of town later that afternoon, and i borrowed", "my mothers car to do so.", "i made it back to tacoma, spent a few hours", "catching up with my friend, and then set off to", "hook up with this guy. sparing you the details,", "it was a subpar fuck, the guy looked nothing like", "his profile picture, i suspected it was 'shopped,", "so i called him out on it before i go. as i'm", "leaving, i walk out into his complex' parking,", "and my mother's car (a very conspicuous,", "periwinkle scion xb) is gone.", "i have to go back and knock on the guy's door", "after basically telling him he ain't that pretty,", "and he's all smiles like \"did you leave your car", "in covered parking?\" i had. he told me it was", "reserved parking and tow trucks are pretty", "efficient in tacoma. he wasn't completely", "heartless, he gave me a ride to the tow lot and", "asked if i needed him to stick around until i", "figured it out, but i was pretty embarrassed so i", "sent him away. by this time it was 6pm, and", "considered \"after hours\" for the tow lot. when i", "called the office, the lady who answered informed", "me the tow fee would be $240 plus a $90", "after-hours service fee to call a worker out to", "the lot to retrieve my car and process my pickup.", "at this point, i *refused* to admit to my mother", "that any of this happened, and so i was ready to", "pay any fee to get the car back and be home on", "time. i agree, and the man (*who was inside the", "office the entire time.......*) unlocked the door", "to let me in. we processed the claim, he gave me", "the keys to grab the registration from the car", "glove box, and took my id. midway through the", "paperwork, he stops dead and looks between me and", "the id. he informs me that i'm not legally", "authorized to retrieve the car because i'm not on", "the registration of the vehicle, and the only", "person who can pick it up is k, my mother.", "at this point i'm shitting my pants because my", "mother is going to wonder why my car was towed by", "a tacoma company when the friend i'm supposed to", "be visiting lives in olympia. i call my sister", "because i'm desperate for a solution. i give her", "my story, leaving out the fact that i was on a", "bootycall, just that i was trapped after visiting", "a friend. unfortunately she answered on speaker", "phone, and my mother was actually with her.", "as expected, my mother flew off the handle and", "screamed at me for a solid 5 minutes while i'm", "sitting in front of the guy in the office. he", "tells me i need to leave if i'm not able to pick", "it up, he's not going to wait around all night", "for me to figure out my shit, so i pack up and", "go. my sister, mother, and i go around in circles", "for another hour trying to figure out how i'm", "going to get her car off the lot without forcing", "her to call into work (she works night shift) and", "driving two hours out to tacoma.", "in the end, my sister, who is a branch manager at", "a credit union, gets her notary coworker to fax a", "notarized letter of consent for my mother to", "release the car to me at 9pm at night, and i have", "to pay cash because they won't accept a card", "payment unless it's in k's name. so i call the", "dispatch, they confirm (rather unbelievably) that", "they received my notarized release letter, and", "told me it would be another $90 for another", "after-hour pickup session, bringing the total up", "to $420. i get $500 cash from an atm, pick up the", "car, and i'm finally on my way home.", "i never told anyone that i had basically paid", "$420 for a hookup until today, and from that day,", "all promiscuous behavior ceased, and the very", "thought of hookups leaves a bad taste in my", "mouth.", "edit: all things considered, i'm happy i learned", "this lesson through monetary punishment, rather", "than contracting some std as a result of my", "promiscuity." ]

[ 0, 0.024985205843624122, 0.034078049219418365, 0, 0, 0.13376249696744566, 0, 0.04961182422033371, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.2028723433245492, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.048100373834258546, 0, 1, 0, 0, 0.03313768086510494, 0.2608489793148409, 0.0004894627051986088, 0.01221479041658912, 0.00020149611488089907, 0.2844401339174342, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.47667900103865923, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.8138756805242153, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.11693873850067718, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.04965943137342857, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.00020149611488089907, 0, 0.07661789852178931, 0.6845815195234362, 0.007221717989020553, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.031233615690365667, 0, 0.010627132023906019, 0, 0.1267395449366665, 0.21497015948132067, 0, 0.019697910317801864, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.01864182834969782, 0, 0.06894158256367057, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.28226985135261823, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.04358266151210147, 0.11573755596834018, 0, 0.57882551533159, 0, 0.018111155385309826, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0 ]

[ "this happened a few months ago in yosemite", "national park.", "if you have been to yosemite, you may have heard", "of the trail called '600 steps'. if you don't", "know what i'm talking about, here's a quick", "summary: the 600 steps is a hike throughout", "yosemite showcasing beautiful views and", "historical landmarks. it starts out with a rough", "uphill hike, then you begin the 600 steps. the", "issue is, it's not really 'steps'. the steps are", "just rocks that you basically have to do parkour", "to move from one to another.", "so, i finally get to the top of the 600 steps and", "i'm feeling like death. the analogy i would give", "to this would me being the fly getting trapped in", "one huge venue flytrapper. this is also during", "mid october, so it was pretty cold and slippery.", "que the mess up:", "i of course didn't want to take all 600 steps to", "go back down, so a trail guide told me to take", "the 'john muir' trail (correct me if i typed it", "wrong) which would be quick and put me right back", "where i started the 600 steps. pretty simple,", "huh? no no no. the supposedly john muir trail", "took 3 hours to finish.", "as i'm starting the trail, i'm panicking because", "it's only going up. like, i'm far above the", "clouds at this point. the moment i'm about to", "turn around, i see a sign in the distance which", "says john muir trail. when i see the sign, i", "thought i was already on the trail. wrong", "again....", "i was supposed to take some more stairs which", "would only take 10 min to get to the john muir", "trail. instead, i went completely off course and", "took the much longer way.", "so, now i start the john muir trail and i'm going", "downhill. the issue is, i see big loads of crap", "and \"foot\" markings on the ground. it's in the", "afternoon, so bears shouldn't be out, but i was", "worried about mountain lions. at this point, i'm", "sprinting down and freaking out. i finally make", "it back down and kiss the ground." ]

[ 0.11008389659561417, 0, 0, 0.46015329335236216, 0.10619173340634817, 0.7776873130672675, 0.08761311758510684, 0.10344364496687776, 0.23291950310189452, 0, 0, 0, 0.4104892560803406, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.13090317958952477, 0.2271764212325649, 0.0011671068494885503, 0.3768418322553206, 0, 0.02255705107140173, 0.311773101932268, 0.02255705107140173, 0.07246500221185934, 0, 0.10216542629266548, 0.007884870892015547, 0.5588387868473764, 0, 0, 0, 0.12961886879128295, 0.39738065583227905, 1, 0.13641242566283918, 0.03621573324897892, 0, 0.217006524959539, 0.022630403358812737, 0.04397034320099338 ]

[ "firstly this is something that didn't happen", "today.", "second of all its not that great of a fuck up", "compare to others but the situation that happen", "during and after leaves a shitty emotional scar.", "thirdly mouth herpes is cold sore... i never had", "a cold sore before.", "so you know how new years is that time that", "people gather together and do shit together to", "celebrate the cycle of the gregorian calendar?", "well on that day i did exactly just that (instead", "of playing video game or going skating like i", "should've) but i drank a little more than i", "should've so decisions were impaired. what", "happened was a blur, but for the most part i got", "a bit too chatty and too friendly. what", "eventually happen is i got together with someone", "and kissing and biting became the main", "attraction.", "we eventually took a nap or at least i did, as i", "forgot i had work right after (yeah on the new", "years...) and i had to dash out early to avoid", "being late (i've been terminated before as an", "early christmas surprise present before). not", "wanting to be that jerk i left a note but being a", "part time idiot, i left no contact information", "not name just.", "\"out for work, be back later\"", "at work i realise the utter uselessness of the", "note as only 3 people actually knew me... and i", "justified that maybe they wouldn't give a damn", "anyways and they probably forgot about me and", "that i shouldn't care that much anyways...", "but the longer i thought the more i thought it", "was an excuse... (so did my co-workers) and did", "the whole awkward \"romantic\" chase after that", "person.", "so i contacted the person i knew at the party who", "redirected me to the person who knew a friend of", "that person who dragged me to the park where they", "were chilling out to surprise that person.", "so here i am juggling phone in hand and slightly", "drenched in sweat apologising profusely about", "ditching them after without let them get a word", "out.", "finally as i paused the person just gives me a", "look of confusion and then a look of cringe.", "apparently they were drunk at the time too and", "didn't like the thought of being lonely due to", "the surrounding... but they intended this to be a", "one time thing and couldn't care less what i did", "after...", "this devastated me, here i went from trying not", "to be a jerk, to not caring, to playing broken", "telephone with strangers, to creating a full", "blown awkward moment...", "all i want to do is forget about this... but the", "following day after i felt a weird pain (actually", "it was there the day before too but it became", "more prominent after) a sort of sore numbing pain", "around the lip edge of the lip area...", "my friend knew immediately that it must've been a", "cold sore...", "a cold sore? i thought i never had one before", "where would i...", "oh", "congrats i get to remember this shitty", "embarrassing moment with shitty mouth herpes", "edited: out some bitterness.", "ps is there anyway to get rid of it permanently?" ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0.029360922072113445, 0.059516513213282336, 0.15438819621304978, 0, 0, 0.14869388159938973, 0.12138809416173632, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.05334244651598032, 0.2601527499474853, 0.13032481596222198, 0, 0, 0, 0.07334353328859874, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.05063689808977107, 0, 0, 0, 0.007515971712553079, 0.2144521268814068, 0.2030089543811723, 0.28050435616055663, 0.007821177198470211, 0.08138259876068164, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.18874137719417847, 0.07465636427672749, 0.23588620948517605, 0.00006279556286221987, 0.050628150936481014, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.06912492612991283, 0.0760451910049087, 0.1332233552739529, 0, 0, 0, 0.12138809416173632, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.9241609356619134, 1, 0, 0 ]

[ "obligatory this didn't happen today.", "i tried posing for a photograph on a \"hope\"", "sculpture. only, i tried jumping up on to the", "base, instead of climbing onto it like a normal", "person (and like the people before me did). and", "when i jumped up in my attempt, i banged my head", "on the edge of the letter 'p'. needless to say, i", "was a little dazed and feeling my head for a bump", "when i see blood on my hands. my fiancé, who was", "trying to take the photograph, didn't see me bump", "my head, and asked me why i moved away from the", "sculpture when i had been really interested in", "seeing it. when i told him i bumped my head on it", "he started laughing (i'm a very clumsy person).", "then i showed him the blood on my hands and he", "immediately got me a cab to go to a nearby er", "(the cab driver was extremely sweet). by the time", "i reached the er, i had blood streaming down my", "face and neck, front, side and back. while", "waiting for the doctor i started panicking that", "my brain has been damaged, and started counting", "till a hundred, reciting the whole sequence, much", "to my fiancé's amusement.", "long story short, i was told it's a small cut,", "but a little deep.", "and now i have 3 staples on the top of my head", "all because i wanted a photograph with a", "sculpture. spending the first night of the new", "year in an er with my fiancé was exactly the way", "i wanted to spend it ;), but hey, atleast i", "started the year with a bang, amirite?" ]

[ 0, 0.5822650298712054, 0.5390189989596958, 0.17688860398663345, 0.15635326549968537, 0.36843670748728763, 0.4919885508689212, 0.3706107061124131, 0.12536484297455588, 0.5732912172863341, 0.36415284070268017, 0.04707601172322283, 0.4215757233855997, 0.024631383600794303, 0.37690517069321305, 0.12667302938825256, 0, 0.12433089885271402, 0.03591526136918933, 0.011860300308790258, 0.2525615800089647, 0.09832529035350206, 0.3620176091093526, 0.002338524649167713, 0.13863599708837823, 0.6832530716032763, 1, 0.4331709276631948, 0.260408541658588, 0.042459316296303826, 0.38497277896721965 ]

[ "so this happened a while ago.", "i am doing civil engineering and always liked the", "subject environmental engineering. the teacher", "assigned to teach the subject was really serious", "and was really tactfull and strategic in", "conducting tests.", "so, this one time when she was taking the test", "what she did is that she told us to use different", "values for the same numerical based on whether we", "were sitting at left or right side of desk. she", "told the invigilator to go to each student and", "write down his side just to avoid confusion. from", "my side i was definitely sitting on left and", "started doing the numerical based on left side", "values. but, when the invigilator arrived at my", "desk he wrote 'right' on my sheet. at this point", "i felt like something in my gut sunk in. as i has", "already finished the numerical and was doing some", "theory questions i felt devastated(as it was of 5", "marks out of 20 and there wasn't enough time to", "redo it). then i realised what has just", "happened(it was not my left but my teachers", "left). i decided to talk to teacher afterwards", "considering the importance of test.", "as i approached her afterwards, she told me that", "she will give me extra 10 minutes to redo it. i", "quickly started scribbling the solution to a new", "page provided by her. i was taking help from my", "already complete numerical to speed things up(as", "only the values and calculations were supposed to", "be changed and redone). at this point she snapped", "and told me that i had cheated from the student", "sitting next to me and now i am simply following", "what he did with different values. i was shocked", "at her explaination and tried to explain that", "what happened to me was genuine. she then said \"", "just leave\".", "and i had to leave" ]

[ 0.10259952138136415, 0.00011433731764091998, 0.15112278928453546, 0.04024169184457354, 0.12474360914038393, 0, 0.1843105967838247, 0.0035376425932689293, 0.05691315907530583, 0, 0.010966174634772192, 0, 0.10387249132129317, 0.007925156082126114, 0.13455334100483163, 0, 0.16195787341518833, 0.353061867670506, 0.010928552875892183, 0, 0.003847402381344856, 0.10856609489874451, 0.11684367398136533, 0.14466477956974305, 0.2165904289546738, 1, 0.04715028404126081, 0.958245752110429, 0.3472890454784088, 0.010925328857245694, 0, 0, 0.003821675837190745, 0.052715998603424005, 0.018918530617927618, 0.040362155935060505, 0, 0.05934559686415829 ]

[ "this is actually a fuck up from a couple of years", "ago, but anyway..", "i donated blood as often as i could after i was", "legal age (17). every 3 months or so, i would", "donate. legal weight for donation is 110 lbs (i", "was 115).", "the third time i ever donated blood, it was at", "a blood bus parked at my local walmart. it had", "been 3 months since i'd last given blood so i", "went in and answered the questions they asked", "like the times before.", "the phlebotomist noticed my heart rate was a", "little fast, but sat me down at one of the", "designated spots and prepped me anyway. they", "stuck the needle in my arm and after a couple", "minutes, they had a fresh bag of o+ blood.", "after i was finished, i felt slightly drained,", "but no more than usual. i had remembered the", "previous times i felt sluggish and my muscles", "ached after i'd had the blood drawn.", "they offered me a cookie and some juice, but i", "declined. and after five minutes had passed, the", "let me go with some free socks and a backpack.", "so, i did what i came to walmart for and went", "about shopping for whatever my mom put on the", "list, plus any junk food that looked good at the", "moment. as i'm pushing the cart around, i notice", "how weak my muscles feel, but trudge on anyway.", "several meaningful items, doritos, and bottles", "of sprite later, i'm standing in the checkout", "line.", "there's a woman in front of me with a cart full", "of groceries and her daughter sitting in the", "seat. behind me is an older lady talking on the", "phone while her husband leaned on the cart.", "i've never been claustrophobic, but standing", "here wedged between these two carts, i began to", "feel light-headed. then my heart started racing.", "i tried to focus on something, but my vision was", "going blurry.", "the last thing i remember is staring at the", "little shelf of suckers in front of me and", "wishing there was a grape one.", "i came to on the floor, with a crowd of people", "around me, and the older lady asking \"do you need", "an *ambulance*?\"", "\"nah, i'm good,\" i said. i wasn't hurt, just", "confused.", "her husband had obviously caught me before i", "hit the ground. all these people had gathered", "around me pretty quickly, trying to figure out", "why i'd passed out. they calmed a little when i", "pointed to the lifesouth socks in my cart.", "i was a little embarrassed, but thanked that", "nice couple before chugging one of my bottles of", "sprite.", "lucky for me, i made it through the line and", "back home without any more dizzy spells. i", "donated blood a few times after that, until i was", "no longer legal weight. i *always* accepted the", "cookie and juice after that day.", "what's even worse? almost the exact same", "situation happened to my sister ten years", "earlier." ]

[ 0, 0, 0.931959636461049, 0, 0.37862039344799037, 0, 0.7784434593100231, 0.7935787235194781, 0.2998054537288737, 0.046608277660727074, 0, 0.05496308133434573, 0.05204810577434782, 0.15517772907432992, 0.5154600577177625, 0.05670859059340351, 0.08536028106017983, 0.01717806925230743, 0.4480791101515003, 0.21123023430595053, 0.695159583914525, 0.07214755197712037, 0.4749072434503297, 0.3751221055194853, 0.7122456038292138, 0, 0.009844362462769334, 0.028726123336315707, 0.24442727769000247, 0, 0, 0.033400020488547406, 0.04703588193181134, 0, 0, 0, 0.008993749401402776, 0.07543198465564788, 0.23637770354116763, 0, 0.05173844076374196, 0.038329129215031336, 0, 0.33686403112854707, 0.025689828943607242, 0, 0.01853661307322895, 0, 0.05151541055075987, 0, 0, 0.0007533806399611526, 0.07957748332324785, 0.05152175235164033, 0.03207695566191216, 0, 0.5987895316133272, 0.01130217988226743, 0.7589990619418976, 0.01971535426999384, 1, 0, 0.07670374751223503, 0 ]

[ "so, today was the last day before classes resumed.", "i wanted to enjoy it and actually take the time", "to savor food before i had to go back to stuffing", "the nearest pastry down my throat before leaving.", "so, i decided to make some nice \"sunny side up\"", "eggs to make my day just the bit better, as well", "as try the slow-cooking, single-egg cooker that i", "received for christmas. the device was fairly", "simple; plug the cooker in, wait for it to heat", "up, put the egg on, close the lid, and wait for", "it to ding to take the egg out. i thought to", "myself, \"seems easy enough.\" so, i grabbed the", "toaster, which only made one piece of toast at a", "time, the two eggs, and the two pieces of bread,", "and placed the butter on the fridge door, all", "while the egg-cooker took its time to heat up.", "once i heard the ding that let me know i could", "put the egg in, i grabbed the first egg and put", "it in. this one came out beautifully. just by", "looking at it, i could tell that it was going to", "be runny and really delicious. i moved it to the", "plate, put the first piece of toast into the", "toaster, and went to put the second egg in. now,", "i hadn't originally timed how long it took to", "cook the first egg, so i wasn't able to time", "anything properly. however, i followed the", "motions of putting the egg in and left it to", "cook.", "the first thing to be done was the toast, so i", "went over and put it down again. because i like", "my toast a little darker, i put it down one extra", "time while the egg was still cooking, and so i", "lost track of the egg. the toast reappeared and i", "switched it out for the second and began to", "butter. my first mistake began here when i", "thought it would be a good idea to crank up the", "intensity of the toaster to speed up the toast", "making process.", "my second mistake was thinking the second piece", "of toast needed to be put back down again.", "once the egg was ready, i went over to take it", "out and put it onto the plate. at that same time,", "i smelled the toast burning. in the heat of the", "moment, i rushed over to cancel the toasting, but", "i ended up knocking over the egg cooker. i", "panicked and decided to save the stove from the", "impending mess that was the runny egg instead of", "stopping the toast from burning. i reached to", "pick up the cooker but then realized a second", "later what i had done: i grabbed the top part of", "the cooker that was on and hot with half of my", "hand. when the pain finally set in, i immediately", "shot to the sink to rinse it under cold water,", "completely forgetting about my piece of toast,", "which was now burned to a crisp and creating", "smoke. thankfully, it didn't set off the smoke", "detector, and i was able to get it out and into", "the trash.", "in the end, i had second degree burns on half of", "my right hand, and a burned piece of toast, but", "the eggs were good at least. that egg cooker can", "make some really good eggs if you don't mess it", "up." ]

[ 0.8674050371588825, 0.13042056732829593, 0, 0, 0.09276592476410203, 0.5461693716803334, 0.017964957596114457, 0.26915142045670076, 0.07138045782590706, 0.07487253802211098, 0.12560015373051484, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.13360706969976546, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.12339931545766951, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.08163653619221013, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.014717368023167013, 0, 0, 0, 0.4329303345089608, 0, 0, 0, 0.08497102136623752, 0, 0.3314689287550185, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.5980236023743212, 1, 0.05045830428124822, 0.05323360050517012, 0.26309618118496153 ]

[ "sorry for my english, i’m spanish and english is", "not a very common language learned in my country.", "this happened the last october as i was doing an", "internship as a computer technician in florence,", "italy. i’ve never lived without my parents so i", "was still adapting to my new life.", "i shared the flat with two people i met one month", "before. they were somewhat nice to me but they", "weren’t too social as they always were in their", "rooms with the door closed avoiding any kind of", "social relationship.", "when we arrived at the flat for the first time we", "saw a really great place to live, not very far", "from the city center. even though it was the 6th", "floor it had a backyard (bigger than the house so", "it was perfect for doing barbecues with my", "friends). the kitchen furniture was made entirely", "of wood, they were very old but would do the job", "for us.", "the house was perfect but the tv was absent.", "we spoke to our landlord about the tv and asked", "in a horrible italian where was the tv and why", "there isn’t one in the house.", "“no no, the television here is paid (ppv) and it", "wasn’t included in what you paid”", "**lied.**", "i didn’t understand a simple word but one of my", "flatmates who knew something translated what he", "said.", "three weeks after i was alone in the house as one", "of them were working as a hairdresser and the", "other were in spain attending some personal", "issues.", "i was being slowly eaten by the biggest boredom", "i’ve ever experienced in my life when suddenly i", "remembered that inside the storage room i found a", "little crt tv along with its cables and a small", "antenna.", "i know a bit about tvs, where do i have to plug", "the cables, tunning the tv in order to see any", "canal and such.", "so, me, in an attempt to be a hero for my", "flatmates and me and improving our relationship,", "decided to mount the tv, tune some channels and", "when they arrive at the house we could watch", "italian tv.", "all of the plugs in our kitchen was being used", "but the most accessible were the one being used", "by the fridge (and freezer) which was very close", "to a furniture piece made of old wood (less than", "10cm, 4 inches for our american brothers). i", "looked for a multiple socket until i found one,", "it was small but i thought it would do the job", "with no sweat.", "**big mistake.**", "when i plugged in the fridge and the tv i ran to", "get my phone (which was in my bedroom) because my", "parents were calling me. meanwhile i was talking", "to them i went back to the kitchen to turn the tv", "on.", "i heard a buzzing noise coming from the fridge so", "i left the phone on the table meanwhile my mother", "were speaking to the emptiness and i started", "checking everything in the kitchen.", "* checked the oven, nothing.", "* the burners, nothing.", "* the microwave, nothing.", "* the fridge, nothing. \n* the tv, nothing.", "when i realized where the buzzing noise was", "coming it was pretty late as the kitchen was", "filled of **white smoke**, the small the cheap-y", "multiple socket where the tv and fridge/freezer", "were plugged **caught fire** while it was", "sparking sparks, burning the tv cable and", "creating a small fire on that piece of furniture", "(note that all the furniture were connected so if", "one of them starts burning, the whole kitchen", "would burn)", "then i ran faster than flash itself to turn off", "the whole distribution panel of the house. took", "the glove used to take things from the oven (what", "the hell was i thinking?) pulled the", "fridge/freezer plug by the cable while doing the", "same with the tv. took a small cube, filled it", "with water as soon as possible and threw it to", "the furniture that was burning to mitigate the", "fire.", "my mother was still talking to the emptiness.", "i dismantled everything after cleaning the mess i", "created with the smoke, the smell and i hid the", "burned part with a pizza box.", "our internship is finished and i’ve never told my", "flatmates about this. you are the first people i", "talked about this.", "edit: formatting" ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.25118346295244065, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.31875538781148205, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.06848149032461472, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.10144840284883244, 0, 0, 0, 0.037817612094082534, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.004668888981118515, 0.001171905403973175, 0, 0.22474666102772298, 0.08409013611897949, 0, 0, 0, 0.08502594579851684, 0, 0.2467639411852778, 0, 0, 0.05118797762733385, 0.13104343181901734, 0.011277985093233545, 0, 0, 0.24400591738062646, 0, 0.000491927389954988, 0.000491927389954988, 0.3728486964490951, 0, 0.022602340538693453, 0, 0.005935490831328707, 0, 0.7133086033244929, 1, 0, 0.22704593811706222, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.15437484022363043, 0.18678703624012963, 0, 0.010515521562069332, 0, 0, 0, 0.258991694775756, 0.15228825023923143, 0, 0, 0, 0 ]

[ "this happened today. it's been a few hours after", "the incident.", "in my school we have this miniature train set", "(n-scale if any hobbyists are wondering) in the", "library. me and some friends of mine have been", "working on the project for a few months now. i", "was working on all the electrics and the lighting", "and things like that to make it look nice.", "we had this small light that we accidentally", "broke the wires off the contacts. teacher helping", "us on project said no problem, i'll just solder", "it. he proceeds to solder it, now we need to test", "it. the issue is, we had no power supply or", "anything like that and we were not gonna stick a", "12 volt dc light into a 120 volt ac power plug.", "so we thought a low-voltage battery. dc isn't bad", "right? wrong.", "this fuck up made me realize how cordless drills", "are so powerful with just batteries. same thing", "with cars- electric and gasoline.", "we grabbed an 18 volt battery. it was only 6", "volts above the light but it was dc and", "presumably safe. i proceed to connect the", "contacts, and it lights up well! talk about a job", "well done!", "but i wasn't careful enough. the contacts touched", "and it shorted. cue the huge spark and noise,", "right in my face. i smelled some smoke and was", "horrified for a moment.", "thankfully this did not burn down my school or my", "face. nor shock either of us. this was in the", "back room as well, fortunately- there were no", "cameras there. i checked out the library but", "didn't notice any heads turned. i was in the", "clear.", "as for the teacher, who was doing this with me", "the entire time... we agreed that it was damn", "cool, but we were not doing that again.", "careful with batteries guys. it does not take", "many volts." ]

[ 0.04644592382790183, 0, 0, 0, 0.019995753220885013, 0.03269888130857368, 0.04973454475676932, 0.021124970092479465, 0.4261744577523112, 0.41218240939036377, 0, 0, 0, 0.39472627688572703, 0.7009300605165719, 0.8028299118461373, 0, 0, 0.2557003822807824, 0.7078855682430644, 0.1991944321010851, 0.8451743644013573, 0, 0.40204445692552787, 0, 0.37190263241392174, 1, 0, 0.30796880836847984, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.2061795846557506, 0, 0, 0.36857759008864854, 0 ]

[ "so this happened today, actually. about an hour", "ago i was walking through an archway in my house", "and for some reason just ran into the frame of it", "with my shoulder. i already have a massive bruise", "forming, since i walked at it at full speed. if", "people ask i will have to tell them that i ran", "into a door frame. . . but that's a classic", "battered wives excuse . . . and both my partner", "and i are kick boxers so i have heaps of", "unexplained bruises anyway . . . people will", "think my boyfriend beats me." ]

[ 0, 0.17770871192683757, 0, 0.1069315976404886, 0, 0.0972994983490979, 0, 0.06372785427311838, 0.1384390110650441, 0.16231200333783005, 1 ]

[ "this was about 13 years ago, but it still feels", "like yesterday...", "i had a bit of a fascination with fire as a", "child. i played with fireworks, made sobe bombs,", "all sorts. i was always pretty careful... until", "this day.", "i was playing in the backyard when i found a", "lighter on the ground, probably from my sister", "smoking in the backyard. anyway, i started", "sparking the lighter, enjoying the show, when i", "looked up and saw the backyard wall. now, you", "need to know that this was summer in arizona, so", "it was dry and hot. also, my backyard walls were", "covered in a vine called cat's claw.", "being that it was summer, the vines were dead and", "shriveled, but still clung to the wall in a thick", "heap. young f13bubbaa quite enjoyed watching", "things burn, and so he thought to himself \"i", "wonder what this will look like..\" thinking that", "it would be a slow burn similar to paper, 13 year", "old me decides to direct the lighter to the dried", "bunch of vines.", "big mistake", "instantly, and i mean almost instantaneously, the", "back fence is engulfed in flames. 13 yo me freaks", "out. luckily, the pool was 10 feet away, and", "there was a bucket handy. so i start a one man", "bucket brigade and try to douse the flames a", "gallon of water at a time.", "no dice.", "the flames are roughly 10 feet high off the fence", "at this point. so i jump between the blaze and", "the house, and run for the hose. after i turn it", "on, i run back through, and start trying my luck", "with the hose, to no avail.", "it's at this point my genius of a neighbor (who", "has apparently been watching for a solid 5", "minutes over the back fence) decides to pipe in", "with a \"hey there little guy, you okay?\"...", "do i look okay?!?!?!?\n\n...i was not okay.", "realizing i had royally and irrevocably frenched", "up, i decided i had to tell my mom... the", "exchange went something like this:", "f13: ma, there is a fire!\n\nmom: spider?", "f: fire!\n\nm: higher?\n\nf:fiiiiiiire!!!!!", "mom gets the hint, calls 911, and instantly gets", "put on hold.", "awesome.", "so now, i'm standing in my backyard, hosing down", "flames that have grown to 30 feet in vain,", "crying. the smoke was so bad at this point that", "people have driven to see what was burning,", "gathered the neighborhoods' collective hoses, and", "joined my effort to extinguish the blaze i had", "caused.", "we finally got the flames out right as the", "firetruck pulled up. after talking to my mom,", "they told me that they had decided not to press", "arson charges, which was nice of them i guess (i", "would not do well in prison...)", "they also said if there had been any wind that", "day, it would have shifted and caused an attic", "fire (my house was about 6 feet from the back", "wall i burned) and we would have lost the house.", "probably would have killed my sister too, since", "she was asleep in her room, and no one knew....", "so yeah, that's the story of how i almost became", "a 13 y.o. felon." ]

[ 0, 0, 0.9119452884670284, 0.06482955264427827, 0, 0, 0.6095102813298808, 0.203331017676565, 0.17950851822866845, 0.35264928815947433, 0.04150546304813804, 0.03436783560335128, 0.04182568166978137, 0.07589428504529207, 0.016070470850750845, 0.30174331402807036, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.07623255841620467, 0.16252948933953656, 0, 0, 0.03399666185452577, 0.026105217359928823, 0.02587205811790659, 0, 0.14547262314357398, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.15245441295322223, 0.0863103394638639, 0.09002297136205586, 0, 0.08303190097285368, 0.3235757750883507, 0, 0, 0.07716654960882333, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.3718515134361455, 0.21701624886313328, 0.01706172950594261, 0, 0, 0.07716654960882333, 0.4723153196514721, 0, 0, 0, 0.12276526821057351, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0.14079948770475068, 0, 0.057908717581252246, 0.05545023176535887, 0.051728162114487476 ]

[ "so yeah. there i was at the phoenix open with my", "girlfriend, her sister and her dad. as we're", "standing there at the 3rd hole, waiting to watch", "the next golfer tee off, i take the opportunity", "to slide my hand across my girlfriends ass and up", "her back. i then decide to whisper in her ear", "something naughty but no sooner does something", "pop in my head, do i turn and see my", "girlfriend... 10 feet away from me. her sister is", "just grinning....." ]

[ 0, 0, 0.5890861265886324, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0 ]

[ "this happened during my last year of middle", "school. i won’t be giving any information about", "when or where it happened for obvious reasons.", "i've been sitting on this secret for a long time", "(outside of close family members who i trust", "enough not to narc on me) so this is for", "catharsis more than anything. i figure that if", "there was ever a time to come clean, it would be", "anonymously online to thousands of strangers.", "anyways, i'll just start from the beginning. i", "was a pretty troubled kid growing up due to", "severe bullying and social isolation. i spent a", "lot of time in my own head or reading to avoid", "confrontation as much as humanly possible. one", "day near the end of the semester i was having an", "especially rough time with a group of girls who", "had set their sights on me that afternoon. it was", "just before my fifth period math class and", "several of those girls shared the class with me.", "i knew that they were going to spend the entire", "period making my life a living hell, and i’d", "already learned the hard way by then that telling", "the teacher was pointless.", "so, in a moment of fear-induced insanity i caught", "my math teacher (who i’ll call “mr. thompson”)", "just before he was about to go in the room. i", "then proceeded to tell him the worst lie i could", "possibly think of. in my defense, i just wanted", "to avoid being tormented all day by bullies. i", "didn't have the balls to outright skip though and", "at that point all of the teachers refused to send", "me to the nurse anymore because of how often i", "asked. still, in hindsight i realize what a", "massive asshole i was for doing this.", "“i think saw a kid in a hoodie with a gun walking", "around outside during recess.”", "mr. thompson went pale and looked like he was", "about to pass out right then and there. he", "quickly shut the door to the classroom and locked", "it before grabbing my hand and practically", "sprinting with me down to the main office. i sat", "in the waiting area while he went into the", "principal’s office. her office had a large window", "on the side of it so i could see them talking", "frantically to each other. at this point i", "realized just how massively i’d fucked up and", "could feel a heavy sinking feeling starting to", "form in my stomach.", "that feeling got about twenty times worse when", "the principal announced an official school", "lockdown and the police were called. until they", "arrived i was put in the office supplies storage", "room with two high school girls. they had come", "over from the connected high school area to make", "some paper letters for a poster and spent most of", "the time crying and hiding in the corner. i", "wanted to reassure them that they weren’t in any", "real danger but i couldn’t do that without", "exposing my secret. i felt like dog shit at the", "point for scaring so many people with my lie, but", "i was in way too deep at this point to come", "clean. i was also too busy trying to desperately", "brainstorm ways to extract myself from this", "clusterfuck of a situation.", "this was a small town so the police didn’t take", "long getting there, and holy fuck there were a", "lot of them. at least three cop cars showed up", "with their sirens blaring and i was ready to piss", "my pants. how the fuck was i going to get out of", "this situation without getting in a massive", "amount of legal trouble and/or expelled? the", "principal came to get me and brought me to her", "office where two of the police men were waiting.", "they spent the next thirty minutes grilling me", "about where i saw this person, what they looked", "like, and so on while the other officers searched", "the building with their guns drawn!", "even though i was nervous as hell and lying", "through my teeth i still had a large enough", "vocabulary and imagination from reading to come", "up with a semi-believable fake description. i", "told them that he’d been wearing blue jeans and a", "red hoodie but that i hadn’t seen his face. they", "spent the next couple hours searching every inch", "of the school for the fake gunmen but obviously", "found nothing. the lockdown was lifted and", "everyone was sent home early. after that day the", "entire situation was never mentioned again for", "whatever reason. i guess that since i never", "admitted to lying they didn’t have any reason to", "punish me.", "occasionally i'll try to find an article or news", "segment about it online but haven’t found", "anything yet.", "i transferred to a new school soon after that", "(for unrelated reasons) and ever since then i've", "done my best to forget about all the chaos i", "caused that day." ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.02732790780886715, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.2399352461004423, 0.06539349281943256, 0, 0, 0, 0.11751788305237627, 0.03567223719283393, 0, 0, 0.24297136068367964, 0.015090487655092424, 0, 0.11528383993481797, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.13471769989098692, 0.25593440050793786, 0, 0, 0, 0.10957010168635188, 0, 0, 1, 0.11682041774221005, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.1498781367473717, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.1705333101623084, 0.030972627250315483, 0, 0, 0, 0.9936107450131386, 0.07325494150452179, 0, 0, 0.007734271649389409, 0, 0, 0.007734271649389409, 0, 0, 0.1538082939343392, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0946318122135659, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.051970786463349676, 0, 0, 0.25853464043966995 ]

[ "this happened around 11:30pm last night.", "it was my day off work and i had been helping my", "family remodel our laundry room because we had an", "appraiser coming the next day. we had to rip up", "flooring & trim, paint, rearrange, etc. it was an", "all day process, on top of cleaning the house as", "well as making everything look presentable. we", "had all worked our asses off, so by the end of", "the night i was filthy, completely exhausted, and", "all i wanted to do was bathe and unwind.", "i took a hot shower to help my aching muscles &", "joints, got out and did my nightly routine. i had", "a perfectly posh kale face mask sample in my", "dresser that i had gotten probably around this", "time last year (as long as the containers are", "sealed you can use face masks up to 18 months.) i", "always ignored it because i typically used a", "different mask every so often, but for some", "reason i couldn't find my regular one. i wanted", "to treat myself after working so hard earlier in", "the day, and since the kale mask was the only one", "i could find, i thought why not?", "so i open the little sample and start applying", "the mask to my face, once i'm finished i wash my", "hands of the excess & then set a time for 15", "minutes. after a few minutes in my face starts to", "burn and feel hot/numb, but i thought this was", "normal because my other facial is also by posh", "and it burns my face as well, so i just ignored", "the sensations. after my timer went off i go to", "the bathroom and i already start to notice my", "face is red, so i start rinsing and i realize my", "face looks like it's been sunburnt every place", "the mask was. i rinse all of it off and show my", "mom my face because it's burning so bad and", "overall looks terrible. it turns out i had an", "allergic reaction to the kale face and i ended up", "with chemical burns :)", "[](https://imgur.com/a/aeofm)" ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.9267554636340578, 0.033959222328161794, 0.6914302064657208, 0.05377494754994401, 0, 0, 0.41950354371292853, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.06431331009599901, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.7680162370477591, 0, 0, 0 ]

[ "happened a few years ago.", "i had this cheap telephoto zoom lens for my dslr,", "now would be time to point out that cheaper", "camera lenses just use a normal motor that", "doesn't disconnect from the focus ring when the", "auto focus is engaged.", "so i had", "developed this habit of using the lens as a weird", "sort-of fidget toy, so one night i was doing", "something and saw the camera lens, i thought i'd", "just move the focus back and forth, so i moved", "the focus ring and the worst noise ever happened,", "imagine a really high-pitched motor followed by", "little gears chipping, oh no, i turned the focus", "and it wasn't engaged. so i put on the camera and", "switched it on, with af on it would move slightly", "and make weird noises but wouldn't work right,", "the lens also locked up and made a horrible", "clicking sound whenever it was over-ridden. the", "lens was completely broken, wouldn't like certain", "f/numbers or focal lengths, wouldn't work on af", "and the camera said that there was something", "really wrong in the form of error 01, the only", "good thing i could do with the lens was put a", "fresnel lens behind it and see the image converge", "onto it and use it as like a makeshift telescope,", "i even tried to make it into a telescope once.", "but i really wanted optics, i mean, who doesn't", "want some bokehlicous optics? so i manage to", "unscrew the front lens element, but then i wanted", "to put it back on, i tried and it cross threaded,", "great! now i have a cross threaded tilt-shift", "write off of a lens.", "ps: i did open it up once and lost the back of it", "and metal rings flew out everywhere, as well as", "gears that had been chipped." ]

[ 0, 0.0011942698130418799, 0.1310295898597071, 0.12945770100506146, 0.027409231603643287, 0, 0, 0.08172070673611832, 0, 0.5764464267359133, 0.06722736054035576, 0.11070438685493722, 0, 0.3836957875529096, 1, 0.4373059924516906, 0, 0.23221120813625998, 0.32468410203270043, 0.19473011704182333, 0.36741575464991616, 0.30094108075513226, 0, 0.09526923286048194, 0.5030494274322721, 0.4997733850067668, 0.0015502687083336953, 0, 0, 0.16244444063814056, 0.2110322410626768, 0, 0.20516458745927918, 0.01700227201709141, 0.4807838170948885, 0.17683393186588617 ]

[ "unlike a lot of tifus, this happened today while i", "was at school.", "so i'm a junior in high school, and being a", "junior means you have to start looking for", "colleges and thinking about our future,", "definitely no stress there right? well today was", "one of those days of stress free future", "\"planning.\"", "well today, one of our school counselors came in", "to my class and gave a presentation about what we", "would like in a college. during this presentation", "of finding what we like in a college, we were", "given a sheet with 8 different college", "\"characteristics,\" each corresponding to a piece", "of paper on the wall.", "characteristics:\nmajors/programs\nsize\nlocation", "cost\nsocial appeal\nresidential appeal", "diversity of students and professors\nreputation", "so after having each characteristic explained, we", "were told to order them 1-8 in most importance to", "a college. after about 5 minutes, the counselor", "asked all the students to go the characteristic", "they find most important in college, your #1. so", "i get up, eager for it to end, and walked to the", "paper marked \"majors/programs.\" apparently", "everyone else finds that important because only 4", "ppl chose other characteristics as most", "important. then the counselor asked everyone why", "they chose this as their most important trait,", "not because any of us have no idea what want to", "do with our lives or anything.", "so about 2 minutes pass and then the counselor", "ask everyone to go to their 2nd most important", "characteristic. a majority shuffled over to", "\"cost.\" we then take 2 minutes to ask everyone", "why they chose this as their second trait.", "and now the fuck up. the next characteristic we", "were told to stand next to was not our 3rd most", "important, but the least important(#8),", "immediately i start to freak out. why? because i", "put \"cost\" as the least important characteristic", "of a college (not because i am rich, but because", "i am a cocky mother fucker who thinks he is going", "to get a bunch of scholarship money and grants,", "which i probably won't). so i, with no one else,", "start to walk to the cost characteristic on the", "wall. once everyone gets to their spot and the", "dust clears, everyone looks and sees that i am", "the only one who thinks the cost of college is", "unimportant.", "the next thing i know everyone is looking at me", "like \"ohhhhh wow, look at this rich snob.\" and", "then it happens, the counselor ask me why i think", "money is not an important college characteristic.", "i stand there, nervous, face red, sweating, and", "everything else that goes along with high school", "humility. so i'm standing there, nervous as can", "be, and the only thing i can mumble is \"i want a", "scholarship.\" which is responded with an \"ok.\" i", "then spent the rest of the class period, and", "lunch listening to \"it's the rich man.\" plus i", "have to live witth the fact that everyone thinks", "i'm a rich ass who likes to brag about his", "parents money..." ]

[ 0.46504218987146895, 0, 0.9007225668040444, 0, 0, 0, 0.036228770387060724, 0, 0.014703796041485645, 0.20470735626522288, 0.24013276858291957, 0.585932583875228, 0.25351192322647287, 0.017280141553564606, 0.09105442905198176, 0, 0, 0.09070439123058222, 0, 0, 0.24291454828474524, 0, 0.23005709395849114, 0, 0, 0.37959303616706724, 0, 0.08659916708608191, 0.08155095018933683, 0.7351020233087908, 0, 0, 0.08164823128679957, 0.017678105409486635, 0.04656085458453118, 0, 0, 0, 0.13202843366016062, 1, 0.45384083096873545, 0.7193905513134322, 0.5090361451881389, 0.24764625880825708, 0.0002718987800876433, 0.08709189353777778, 0, 0, 0.9537194012159167, 0, 0.1673355892954961, 0.0610784928487465, 0.20351846270485754, 0.9223029328738174, 0.01787344476383689, 0, 0.06444968323698462, 0.5183539580721144, 0.2298390034317029, 0.0348291130561103, 0.31419334274259597, 0, 0.9466401121168605, 0 ]

[ "this happened around 9-11 years ago i think.", "so i used to play a lot with my friends when i", "was little and we used to make small fortresses", "out of materials we could find in the woods or on", "the street. you know, kid stuff.", "so one day i decided to walk over to my friends", "house as i had an amazing idea, i thought that we", "could use an old football goal as a base for our", "little \"fortress\". so we went over to an old", "football field and started to look for a good", "goal to use as our base.", "so we found a mediumsized goal and began tipping", "it so that we could later find materials in the", "nearby forest to use as a roof and stuff like", "that.", "anyways, we began tipping the goal and i climb up", "and hang from the top of it, trying to pull it", "down with my 8 year old body mass. right as it", "falls i lose grip and fall on my back getting the", "top of the goal straight in my forehead.", "next thing i know it all fades to black and i", "wake up to an agonizing pain and blood dripping", "from my forehead whilst my friend is trying to", "drag me back to my house. (which is 400m away", "from the field.)", "it all ended up alright as my mum drove me to the", "emergency room and i learned that i shouldn't use", "football goals as a base, especially when they're", "1 meter taller than me.", "i did however get a scar on my left eyebrow as a", "souvenir.", "edit: [here's a pic of the scar if you're", "interested](http://imgur.com/bnlr33j) , it may", "look small but that thing was a bloody fountain.", "edit(2): i'm proud of edit(1)." ]

[ 0.07268628255441455, 0.636379430450699, 0.168491728849343, 0, 0, 0.7597020375763509, 0.0490646437626057, 0.35298806932423005, 0.29477379645019086, 0.49037159620055526, 0.7022572363461174, 0.697493976709387, 0.019802210776265764, 0.4491662342965167, 0, 0.5767563528838369, 0.8915229045266131, 0.5954143072609049, 0.9049404613997005, 0.44909245555577704, 0.6856632951020244, 0.7728638230383624, 1, 0.19531217937250234, 0, 0.6750562467015214, 0.3225403600115467, 0.06332429329923371, 0, 0.9671838093509141, 0, 0.47664971967420167, 0.39463806194079154, 0.026139557722419604, 0 ]

[ "like many this did not recently happen, but a", "thread earlier today about someone not taking a", "half marathon seriously reminded me of this fu.", "the fu occurred in 2013. i was racing a lot of", "triathlons and had completed 5 ironman triathlons", "over the last few years. i was signed for a half", "ironman (1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike, 13.1 mile", "run) in cedar point, oh. the year before i did", "the full iron distance race (in a time of 9:56,", "thank you very much...) and knew the course well.", "i signed up last minute right at the deadline a", "couple of days before the race. i was coming off", "a big season training and was easily in good", "enough shape to finish around 4 and a half hours.", "we drove to cedar point the day before the race,", "got checked in and met some friends for dinner.", "ate some pizza, a pre-race favorite of mine, then", "we went back to our room to relax before the", "alarm, which was set for 4:30am. around 9pm i", "felt a migraine headache coming on and took some", "advil.", "i've been a severe migraine sufferer all of my", "life, albeit for the last few years i was limited", "to 1-2 a year. but those would be beasts of a", "headache. i'd start vomiting then would not be", "able to stop and then be in extreme pain. at", "least once a year i'd end up in the er where i'd", "get a shot of regalan (spelling unsure!) and a", "couple other things, i think benadryl, and then", "pass out and wake up fine a couple hours later.", "imotrex, or whatever the popular migraine", "medicine is, never seemed to help.", "so back to the fu. i feel the headache coming", "on, try to rest and hold it off with advil but", "then start throwing up around 11:30pm. after an", "hour and a half, at 1am, my wife drives me to the", "er. its packed for some reason and i have a long", "wait where the pain and vomiting continue.", "anyone with a migraine history can imagine how", "uncomfortable it was to sit in the bright waiting", "room for over an hour in an uncomfortable seat", "waiting to be seen. they finally see me, get me", "in and give me the magic concoction then i pass", "out. i wake up around 4:30 am feeling worlds", "better but still having only slept for around an", "hour and half. we leave and go back to the room", "then i start to get ready for the race. my wife", "asks if i'm nuts, tells me i'm not racing and she", "is exhausted and lets just go to bed until", "checkout. but no, i'm determined, plus the $250", "entry fee is non-refundable!", "i get to the race feeling woozy. my friends and", "fellow racers tell me i look like death. i", "still have my admissions bracelet on and still", "have the band aid from my iv.", "the weather was also crappy that day. lake erie", "was so rough that they moved the swim to the bay", "side but still there was 2' chop for the swim. i", "eat a pop tart, drink some gatoraide and the race", "is on.", "i barely remember much about the race other than", "the swim, my best event, was rough. i think i", "finished around 30 minutes, which is slow for me", "but i was ok with the time based on the", "conditions. the bike was brutal with massive", "winds coming off lake erie that all but knocked", "you off your bike. my bike time was slower than", "i wanted. later that week i checked my power", "file and realized i was down about 25% from my", "normal half iron bike power. finally the run", "came and i think i did a 13.1 mile death", "march/jog. i know i tried to drink a ton during", "the bike and run but i never peed once. usually", "in a half i'd pee at least once on the bike leg", "and once or twice on the run. it was not hot out", "at all so i was not sweating out fluids.", "i finished right around 5 hours and behind many", "people i know that i'd usually beat easily. i", "don't remember finishing, i don't remember the", "last half of the run. i remember leaving to go", "out on the run and my wife asking if i was ok,", "but i don't remember the return leg. i remember", "coming to my senses sitting in the medical tent", "with an emt asking if i already had fluids and", "why i had a bandaid from a prior iv. when i", "explained my situation they told me i was an", "idiot and made me stay for another hour. all the", "while my wife was mad because she was exhausted", "and just wanted to go home after spending all", "night in the hospital and all day watching me", "race.", "i got another iv, drank some more fluids and", "finally was cleared to leave. we drove home,", "about 2 hours away, during which i never had to", "pee even though it had been since 7am that i last", "went and i'd drank many fluids! i also couldn't", "eat anything. finally, around 8pm that night i", "started to feel human and peed for the first time", "in over 12 hours. only when i started to have a", "clear head did i realize just how stupid i'd been", "and how much i could have screwed myself up by", "trying to race." ]

[ 0, 0, 0.0009239229940974836, 0.10670597065475618, 0, 0.22226499508400663, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0004924564865970365, 0.21267249566002414, 0.1726590480920948, 0.40078606426815194, 0.001647787735807928, 0, 0.0004224061925403859, 0.07786004350399736, 0.006766568766546389, 0, 0.013077449325367693, 0.09146173172556156, 0.026052021205344948, 0, 0.008705387645978231, 0.16686114429479407, 0.01748792288871158, 0, 0.006444754946945929, 0, 0, 0.00031369037026303056, 0, 0, 0.11223643364471363, 0.1986115579070068, 0, 0, 0.1387286885152503, 0.7716469365456449, 0, 0.0015784903497577869, 0, 0.11876850743358366, 0.15856948467571222, 0.031238140260189794, 0, 0.0012569459949185594, 0, 0, 0.008215932320105212, 0, 0, 0, 0.05881608008413547, 0.05162870527398685, 0.05015762731784846, 0.007955846174249822, 0, 0, 0.0006354407908217634, 0, 0.0006354407908217634, 0.01892842548797728, 0, 0, 0, 0.000717175784529315, 0.005746756160176469, 0.0067251232227152355, 0.03333367962289896, 0, 0.07250139536388082, 0, 0.026245130114365474, 0, 0, 0, 0.09351052526578059, 0, 0, 0.0010156064382754852, 0.0008797977008030552, 0, 0.10054885377778845, 0.11195720391862855, 0, 0.07881609025460586, 1, 0, 0, 0.04328826639156486, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.05787318469931865, 0.03584611190597399, 0, 0.019426745012614797, 0.0917193130408348 ]

[ "this fuck up happened about an hour ago. i walk my", "kids to school just about everyday and this", "morning i had to drive since it had just started", "raining. now as i'm driving i see a dirt lot and", "decide i have enough time why not? drive around", "in it a bit to rile them up then my tires just", "sink. and i mean mud flaps are touching the", "ground at this point. i have to get out so i can", "wrench myself out and end up dropping my kids", "off late now i have a meeting with the principal" ]

[ 0, 0.09194476179119569, 0.22922711457884387, 0.20021435563600523, 0.10508005945729494, 0.18273465801357938, 0.11524581166257984, 0.1114117224981442, 0.2946813279063772, 1 ]

[ "so, this is recent, as in i am now going through", "it.", "so, i live in the haight in sf. i've traveled a", "lot on the cheap, i.e. stayed with a bunch of", "random strangers over the years and like to", "return the favor when i can. there are a lot of", "traveling hippies making their stop here for", "obvious reasons, and a lot of them hang out on", "the street here.", "i met a super hot hippy chick while i was all", "kinds of fucked up and ended up inviting her and", "(unbeknownst to me) her dirty ass hippy boyfriend", "back to my place. i set them up on my futon and", "i slept on the floor. i'm nice like that. their", "puppy shit on my carpet. whatever. i fed them", "and offered shower. (they declined the", "shower....)", "fast fwd 4 days or so...i start to get this weird", "itch.", "now it's full blown, and i start to examine", "closely wtf is going on. my itch region has been", "growing and expanding. it's not a rash, it's a", "bunch of bites from....", "motherfuckers left my house with lice.", "i'm going full brazillian later today, fumigating", "my house, gassing all of my linens. i thought i", "was getting the measles or mumps." ]

[ 0, 0, 0.08758125199214879, 0.08758125199214879, 0.007273183462880804, 0.07619568918829554, 0, 0, 0.043993361237253566, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.017646000351884843, 0, 0, 0, 0.003333854186018404, 0, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.017646000351884843 ]

[ "obligatory not today but about almost 50 years", "ago...wow hard to believe that part. but it", "sticks with me like yesterday--or for this", "subreddit purposes today! also first time poster", "fwiw.", "i grew up in coal mining territory. please let's", "not digress about that--it was a major way of", "life in eastern ohio back in the day. so when i", "was about 13 the big mining company, while", "preparing to mine, uncovered an ancient native", "american burial site. it was a big", "deal--archaeologists from columbus and other", "parts of the state (and maybe country) came in to", "study the site and handle the delicate removal of", "the remains. it made the news and everything--a", "big deal for our little village.", "well my family was a bit of the \"big fish little", "pond\" kind of deal so my dad got us permission to", "go up and visit the site. it was really neat;", "sincere and busy archaeologists and", "student-helpers were on their hands and knees", "with little brushes removing dirt and rocks from", "around the skeletons. the skeletons were all", "laid out--about 6 or 8 of them as i recall--with", "stakes and ropes around each body. and these", "ropes--really just strings--were no more than a", "foot off the ground.", "we were walking around looking at the remains", "with the head archaeologist and some local guy", "from the coal company and they were explaining", "things to us. i had stopped to look at one set", "of bones and the adults had moved on up and over", "to the next row. i looked up and saw they'd", "moved and thought \"well i can either walk the 8", "or 9 feet up and then around the one set of bones", "and catch up with them\" or \"hey i can just jump", "over this skeleton and be next to them in a", "jiffy.\" well 13 year old me chose the easy way", "and jumped over the remains. except...i tripped", "on the barely off the ground stake/string set up", "and landed full on on the head of one of the", "sleeping native americans.", "apparently 5,000 year old bones aren't made for", "goofy adolescent boys to fall on. the skull", "shattered with much of it turning to dust and", "other debris. there was dead silence, as i", "recall, until i muttered sorry and my father", "stuttered his apologies. i don't recall the", "exact reactions of the archaeologists but general", "disdain and disgust are the first thoughts that", "come to mind low these many years later.", "we quickly departed with my father still offering", "apologies. on the upside so far i have not been", "haunted by the spirits of this tribe from ohio.", "in fact i even had a nice win at an indian casino", "a couple of years ago. but payback is hell and i", "know it's coming!" ]

[ 0.006321653885658432, 0.24981016829513952, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.24362663381952654, 0.0959641023776947, 0, 0, 0.2813372587972408, 0.0411364729392076, 0, 0.00016241880975149944, 0.27416476774711046, 0, 0, 0, 0.040782189395836874, 0.04223129690318405, 0.024179919397203854, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.3327734625632852, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.07323431217927952, 0.00010763690248565665, 0, 0, 0, 0.1787566628849816, 0.4344121142157787, 0.7470266101855833, 0, 0.018044718025850077, 0, 0.511377211984118, 0.4237144418625245, 0.05250078038803632, 0, 0.39489467840810943, 0.0339601901574725, 0.1036577220488931, 0, 0, 0.020950054655653493, 1, 0, 0.016084412659675522, 0.25706978051708834, 0 ]

[ "obligatory this did not happen today, but a few", "years ago ifu. this was during the summer while a", "couple of friends and i were hanging by the pool.", "at one point, we were passing around the", "football, taking turns catching it while jumping", "into the pool. after a few rounds, it was my turn", "to catch a pass again and as i was standing by", "the edge of the pool, one of my friends slightly", "nudged me from behind. it was just enough that i", "had no choice but to fall into the water, but", "instead of entering feet first, i fell in the way", "a tree tips over after being chopped down at its", "base.", "as i was falling into the water, i realized that", "my face was going to be the first thing to hit", "the surface of the water rather than my", "chest/stomach. to save my face, i leaned forward", "at the last second in an attempt to break the", "surface cleanly and avoid the consequences of the", "impending flop. unfortunately, that didn't work", "out as well as i had planned. although i avoided", "the flop, i fell in with enough force that i", "ended up hitting the top of my head on the bottom", "of the pool. immediately after i hit the floor,", "my entire body was paralyzed from the neck down,", "just floating underwater. it probably took my", "friends about 30 seconds to realize something was", "wrong, but it had felt like an eternity.", "one of my friends pulled me above the surface,", "brought me to the edge of the pool and kept my", "neck supported while someone called 911 and we", "waited for paramedics to arrive. i still had no", "feeling below my neck nor could i move a muscle.", "half of my face felt numb & limp like peter", "griffin's face on the family guy episode", "\"mcstroke\". about 10 minutes went by until i", "started to regain feeling in my body, which was", "such a strange sensation. imagine that \"pins &", "needles\" feeling you get in your leg when you lay", "the wrong way, except it's happening to your", "entire body. i felt extremely weird, almost like", "my limbs were made of jell-o. what was even more", "strange was once i was able to feel the bottom of", "the pool with my feet, it didn't feel like it was", "\"my\" leg/foot if that makes any sense. i believe", "it has something to do with", "[proprioception](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/pr", "oprioception#conscious_and_unconscious_propriocept", "ion),", "because my limbs did not \"feel\" like they were in", "the location that they were actually in.", "then that's when the pain started to rush through", "my body. this was the most unbearable pain i've", "ever experienced to this day. the skin on the", "front of my shoulders and my chest was so", "sensitive that even the slightest touch would", "feel like i was burning alive. i couldn't even", "have the sheet from the hospital bed covering my", "chest it was so bad. the doctor said that i was", "lucky to be young and in good shape, because most", "people aren't fortunate enough to walk away from", "an injury like this. she mentioned how there was", "a young boy a few rooms down who suffered a", "similar kind of injury and sadly he would never", "walk again. i am truly thankful that i didn't end", "up in that situation and my heart goes out to", "that poor kid.", "after all was said and done, i ended up with a", "bruised spinal cord and minor nerve damage.", "although i was able to walk (assisted) by the", "time i was released from the hospital, i was", "bed-ridden for almost a month. i still couldn't", "lift my arms more than 6 inches above my waist", "and i wasn't able to dress myself and shower on", "my own during that time. although most of the", "pain subsided after a month or so, i started", "experiencing occasional numbness down my left arm", "to the tips of my fingers. i was also faced with", "[neuropathic pain &", "itching](https://www.theacpa.org/condition/neurop", "athic-pain)", "for the next 6 months which drove me fucking", "mental.", "today, things aren't as bad although i do deal", "with chronic neck & back pain on a daily basis. i", "am just thankful that i am still able to walk and", "my life hasn't been seriously affected by this", "injury. i also wont be diving or belly flopping", "into pools anytime soon. lesson learned." ]

[ 0, 0, 0.05010629027396579, 0, 0, 0.08060638101106778, 0.01961797052843067, 0.07187371561859367, 0, 0, 0.0003234965749257892, 0, 0, 0.00013191937269455982, 0.018149923254433424, 0, 0, 0.2168123653411534, 0, 0, 0, 0.009627707758767774, 0.5109509733350472, 0.19772995491118275, 0.6401214461608723, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.14274957529854715, 0, 0.00005447907330971732, 0.06368941133819206, 0, 0, 0, 0.05578730345175694, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.20606090660896356, 0.04599315781410073, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.05788173494554205, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.025198884152085353, 0, 0, 0.12384301407430907, 0, 0.2832496603161969, 1, 0.08203267973268376, 0.21921494674956377, 0.810186005179685, 0, 0, 0, 0.0882525034434571, 0, 0.04085924179675706, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0 ]

[ "unlike most tifu this actually happened about 2", "minutes ago..", "i had just gotten home from my morning class, put", "on my jams and looked out my window. 6 stories", "below me i spotted a friend walking past my dorm.", "for the hell of it i thought i should try to get", "his attention. since the windows don't open in my", "dorm the only way to achieve this would be", "knocking on the window. after about 5 knocks the", "window gave out sending shattered glass", "everywhere... it rained down on the people below.", "needless to say i am fucked. and the worst part", "is i don't even know if i got my friend's", "attention....", "about to submit a \"work order\" need excuses to", "make it look like an accident....", "edit. i went to my ra like most of you suggested.", "told him i knocked on the a few times to see if", "anyone could hear me... *judgmental look from", "him* and that it broke. he didn't laugh.. told me", "i was an idiot but he did not want this to be in", "anyway brought back to him. so he used his ra", "powers to call maintenance to quickly replace the", "window before it became a big issue. maintenance", "is on their way..." ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0.703422807565199, 0, 0.8976616973360129, 0.5897314676817176, 0.42295811480033485, 0.4383617048987959, 0.3504256772211925, 0.5470878488104566, 0.3931859312437038, 0.34747889656321945, 1, 0.18846544445165914, 0, 0.1109547333324264, 0.581546671176637, 0, 0.2815177267827055, 0, 0.12070872219228065, 0.5644986055633002, 0.30471717649654056, 0.5061476239539238 ]

[ "so, this happened today around 7 hours ago, and", "i'm still salty about this whole thing.", "a bit of a back story on me before the fuck-up", "begins.", "i'm 20 years old, work in a warehouse on", "graveyard shift. been depressed for a few months", "now, but really spiked when i had to give cpr to", "my mom who tried to kill herself, who is still in", "the hospital (been 13 days as of posting this)", "i'm super anti-social, hate talking to people but", "am super nice to people. i have been working at", "the place i'm working at for 4 months now as a", "temp, but just got hired yesterday by the actual", "company.", "anyway, here is the fuckup.", "so we were supposed to start work early today,", "4pm and get out by midnight instead of starting", "at 6pm and getting out at 2am. i thought it was a", "stupid idea because when i get out everyone is", "still sleeping because it's a work night so", "whatever. i get home, set my alarm for 3pm to", "have time to wake up, eat, shower, and go to", "work. so i go to sleep... except i set my alarm", "for 3am and not 3pm. that poses a problem as i", "went to sleep at 8am (got off of work at 7am that", "night)", "so, i wake up at 3:45 to my dog barking at the", "mail lady who was delivering one of my packages i", "ordered online. weird i thought because the mail", "lady was \"early\"", "i look at the clock and see it's 3:45 pm and it", "takes me 15 minutes to get to work. remember, i", "am supposed to be there at 4pm. so i rush to put", "pants on, not even bothering to shower.", "i get to work a few minutes early (gotta go fast,", "amirite?) clock in and begin working my usual", "route. about 2 hours later over the intercom i", "hear \"friendkiller96 please come to the office,", "friendkiller96, please come to the warehouse", "office. thank you :) \" so i ride my pallet jack", "to the office and see the big big big boss man", "looking at me through the window.", "\"oh boy, i'm getting fired today... cool now i", "can finally have my social life back and do what", "20 year olds are supposed to be doing and not", "working 55 hours a week\"", "i open the door and he tells me to sit in a", "little room. i sit down, he walks in and closes", "the door behind him.", "boss: \"you aren't in trouble, relax\"", "me: \"okay, then what's up?\"", "at this point he is sitting in front of me behind", "his desk", "boss: \"there really isn't an easy way to say", "this...\"", "boss: \"well, we've been getting some complaints", "about your.. uhh.. body odor\"", "me: \"that's funny.. you're funny\"", "boss: \"i'm being serious\"", "me: \"oh, then you aren't funny... seriously? my", "body odor?\"", "basically we have a conversation like that for a", "bit... i'm super embarrassed, red-faced, annoyed,", "and just feel super insulted. i ask him how many", "people complained and he said three... three", "people in a 2 hour span.. fucking....", "he then brings out a write-up forum and begins to", "fill it out... i was written up for being \"out of", "uniform (bull crap, our \"uniform\" is any t-shirt", "and pants/shorts) and a distraction to", "co-workers\" i was livid. i told him that seems", "super rash for him to do and he said it was", "because today wasn't the only day that this has", "been brought up, so now i'm thinking i just don't", "know how to shower.", "anyway, after that whole conversation, break was", "called and i rushed to the nearest gas station,", "picked up some deodorant and spray and just", "basically poured it on myself. i tried getting", "next to people who i thought were the ones", "complaining to show them that i smell decent", "now... don't think it worked.. oh well.", "i am super self-conscious and take good fucking", "care of myself. i shower every day, not even", "joking, i love being clean, especially after work", "as it gets super fucking hot in that warehouse", "and it smells like balls by the end of the shift.", "anyway, i think the write-up was bull crap, and", "is another thing to stack on my \"why i hate", "people and why i feel (and apparently smell) like", "garbage all the time\" pile...", "anyway, i'll be replying to comments and", "clarifying anything that needs to be clarified as", "i am sure this is a jumbled mess.", "edit: i don't smell, i just didn't shower one day", "and everyone made a huge deal out of it. i sweat", "a lot in my sleep, blanket gets too hot but i", "need a blanket to sleep... if that makes any", "sense.. x.x", "edit 2: i am really trying to reply to all the", "comments! if i haven't replied, just know i have", "read it! i really wasn't expecting a post about", "my bad bo to be super liked. i really appreciate", "all this advice! thank you! <3" ]

[ 0.02461231808604217, 0, 0.23773993698481896, 0, 0.013238692988336367, 0.5684580706381832, 0, 0, 0.0451524302957446, 0, 0, 0.20123925594249928, 0.04965532536333179, 0, 0, 0, 0.4366366997128737, 0.4425638349389464, 0.0565779305409561, 0.014477256894195956, 0, 0.5291663117415439, 0, 0.40357880831164206, 0.3376218941942077, 0, 0, 0.030322889688588543, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.16143736486051244, 0, 0.02641456101972992, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.03810620330809888, 0, 0, 0.012415347855653883, 0.02332526154887307, 0.13217014197233118, 0.08944335609487397, 0.02332526154887307, 0, 0, 0.22711676111125492, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.33443241218291436, 0, 0, 0.5700269563558407, 0, 0.02332526154887307, 0.09072534964114685, 0.09541798193534747, 0.35539205989235406, 0.7924275477989464, 0.19427459141925313, 0.8436519015553808, 0, 0.18722644951526568, 0, 0.0237140159153209, 0.3548736003402742, 0, 0.02499447892496154, 0.5173359602394654, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.04933503685533, 0.5610146545618597, 0.10177729591309859, 0, 0.22134516496592394, 0.02499447892496154, 0, 0.0501919030778788, 0, 0.07489608198596516, 0, 0.03739773272979604, 1, 0.4408798121886728, 0, 0.012962687920959266, 0, 0, 0, 0.013620853827255738, 0, 0 ]

[ "so last night, i reached for the water next to my", "bed and knocked something else over. i usually", "keep random things next to my bed and it was dark", "and i was tired so i just ignored it, drank my", "water, and went to sleep.", "unfortunately, i had made an error. earlier that", "day i had bought a bubble machine because i love", "those things and behave like a child even though", "i’m not (idk i might be) and left the mixture", "next to my bed. that’s what i bumped over and", "when i woke up this morning i saw that it had", "leaked all over my ipad and had destroyed it. the", "mixture is thick and gooey and has certainly", "fried it badly." ]

[ 0.18245598537456686, 0.23261240767758576, 0.05205587466829035, 0.0641835085884058, 0, 0.06362776295364468, 0.16990720548609786, 0, 0.05222599811689261, 0.16066347617193372, 0.14902706852531444, 1, 0.12383922951471672, 0.04700054919002209 ]

[ "this one's fresh. just got home from the hospital.", "well i cracked my tooth open a long time ago and", "didn't want to spend, or really have, the extra", "money to fix it. it is a back molar, and has been", "giving me alot of problems since august so i have", "greatly reduced my sugar intake and avoid cold", "liquids like the plague.", "*an important note: i am on nerve pain medication", "for nerve pain for a separate condition, 3600 mg", "(12 pills) a day.", "well this week the tooth just drove me nuts, so", "tuesday morning i went to a dentist and scheduled", "it to be taken out friday. i originally hoped to", "fix it, but it's too far gone, another fu on my", "part. i have been taking naproxen and advil for a", "few days, but the night before this appointment i", "took some tylenol with codiene. so the day of, i", "took 2 of those in the morning and 2 naproxen,", "cause the pain was crazy right when i woke up.", "came home from the dentist and took an advil and", "2 more tylenol. well the pain was just", "intensifying and intensifying, so i kept taking", "more and more medication. since they were all", "different (naproxen, percocet, tylenol 1, tylenol", "pm, advil - the reason i took all this different", "stuff is it was hard to tell what was helping and", "wasn't.) i didn't think they would be much of a", "problem.", "fast forward to 11 pm and the pain is through the", "roof, so i took more with no real thought on how", "many i had taken. so i end up staying awake till", "430 am, having a mild panic attack thinking i", "took to much medication, but my mom told me i was", "okay and the wait for the er was 2 hours so i", "went to bed.", "today i woke up and felt like shit. my lower left", "back hurt, i was nauseous as all hell, and i", "could not eat. i had an appointment to go to so i", "went there, and i took one 220 mg naproxen", "before, 1 tylenol there. i was in more pain then", "that but i knew i had taken too many yesterday so", "i was just gonna deal with the pain and take meds", "before bed.", "so i get home and feel sick, i go upstairs and", "throw up stomach acid for 10 minutes, then the", "next one was bright red. after one more red/brown", "puke i called telehealth ontario to get a uses", "opinion and we calculated up all my meds. in the", "prior 24 hours i had taken over 4700 mg of", "tylenol, which they consider 4000 mg to be", "emergency, i also took 2400 mg nsaid medication,", "got transfered to poison control, who told me to", "go to the er. they also said tylenol overdose is", "a slow and painful death which takes time to show", "symptoms -- now what i wanted to hear.", "so my mom drove me to the er and it turns out i", "metabolized the pain pills okay, and just have a", "tear inside my esophagus that caused the blood. i", "got a medication for that, and some dilaudid to", "last until my tooth extraction." ]

[ 0, 0.033658098563430335, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.01320605807738762, 0, 0.13830931197965862, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.12598278057548806, 0, 0, 0, 0.01685535987646792, 0, 0.07752073668379447, 0.1806559059088965, 0, 0, 0, 0.03672642493610338, 0, 0, 0.0007661992933378968, 0.005055128289409305, 0, 0, 0.4210968211022588, 0.1031818707465962, 0, 0, 0.16088155319852307, 0.8767144936644361, 0, 0.1162501900266041, 0.000052763958403676404, 0.19742141278345288, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.17305772382404386, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0.6493151961527726, 0, 0, 0.19470080852793376, 0.22292901203830873, 0.45412477668467915, 0.0006625061030474414, 0.15643972010554524 ]

[ "as usual this didn't happen today but actually", "happened when i was in 6th grade, so about 9", "years ago.", "a short backstory; i was a sheltered little 6th", "grader who had never had a sleepover before and", "this was the first school year i had actual", "friends. my family was poor growing up so no one", "liked me and for some reason they decided to put", "me in the nicer elementary school on the other", "side of town. when i was in 2nd grade i switched", "schools and it was a mediocre place so there were", "many kids with similar economic hardships like", "myself. it wasn't the worst but it wasn't the", "best either. so all through elementary i hadn't", "really made friends, i was a loner. smarter than", "the kids around me and seemingly more innocent,", "so i got taken advantage of a lot by the other", "kids. they abused my generosity and bullied me to", "get me to do there work... that kinda thing. so", "in my town we have a single school where only 6th", "graders go. there are like 5 elementary schools", "so this place had like 400-500 kids that were", "only 6th graders.", "this girl i had in all of my classes ended up", "being my best friend, and when she made friends", "she thought it would be a good idea to get all of", "us to be friends. we all had at least 2 classes", "together through-out the day so when we had class", "we'd all group up. there were 4 of us including", "myself. well, being as these were my first real", "friends and i had never had a sleep over i", "decided to have one! this ended up being a", "horrible idea and led to the first part of my", "tifu.", "so we're all girls and all of us are either going", "through the beginning of puberty or had already", "experienced it (at least in this group). my", "family was also doing better off now that my dad", "had a stable job and could support us. so we had", "a new computer and we were playing some harmless", "truth or dare being weird kids.. forcing", "eachother to look at naked people on the computer", "or doing stupid things like licking the floor.", "i'm not sure how this came about but one of the", "girls swore she knew how to make a website and my", "6th grade brain thought that was the coolest", "thing ever. she asked if we wanted to help make", "one and i was like fuck yeah dude let's do it. so", "i sat in the computer chair and she began", "directing me on what to do and where to type etc.", "she asked what we should make the website name", "be! my innocent brain thought \"cute puppies\" or", "\"ponies and kittens\" and everyone else was all", "for it but her. she replied and was like \"no", "that's super gay dude, there's a lot of stuff", "like that already.. you can be more creative\" and", "i was stuck on what to think of. then she blurted", "out \"let's make a website talking shit about zoe", "( i replaced the name for privacy reasons) \" and", "i was contemplating it because i was a goody two", "shoes and didn't think that'd be nice. then the", "other two girls started talking about how gross", "this girl was and basically started just bashing", "the hell out of her. so out of peer pressure i", "decided we would go ahead and make it about her,", "and i would do all of the typing. 3 paragraphs", "later and naming the website zoeisaslut. com we", "somehow switched topics and started talking about", "a teacher we all hated. his name was mr. gray so", "i thought it would be absolutely", "brilliant/hilarious to make his name mr. gay and", "talk about how shitty of a person he was. we wrap", "things up and i felt kinda bad about it because", "it said some pretty revolting shit on there. i", "think there was a few sentences about how she was", "a slut and she dated 3 dudes at once and did", "kissed a guy in the stairwell. but i decided it", "was going to be fine and we published it.", "a few days go by and it slips my mind that it", "ever occured. all i could think about was the", "school dance that was announced exactly 3 days", "after we did that. about a week goes by and i get", "called to the assistant principless office and i", "was freaking out because i never got in trouble", "before. i walk down the hall and see all three", "girls sitting outside the office i'm walking to", "and two of them are crying and the third girl was", "acting like she didn't give a fuck.", "this is where my second major fuck up happens.", "i walk in the office and have to fill out a paper", "explaining what i did wrong after it was brought", "to my attention this was over the website. my", "brain decided to shit itself and i decided to", "make everything up. i lied about it and blamed it", "all on the girl who gave me the idea to begin", "with. idk why i did, maybe because i was a huge", "pussy, but who knows.. anyways...", "i go sit with the other girls and we wait for", "about 5 minutes as my eyes start to well up with", "tears because i'm freaking the fuck out thinking", "of what my dad is going to do when he finds out.", "the assistant principal walks out and dismisses", "two of the 4 of us so all that's left is the girl", "who gave us the idea and myself. she gets called", "into the office first and i'm waiting for maybe 2", "minutes when she walks off to go back to class", "with a smirk on her face and i started to turn", "red as shit when i had to walk in. the principal", "didn't even give me a chance to say anything and", "tells me this which i remember word for word,", "\"zoe found out about the website and she's in the", "counselors office right now. her mother called us", "to let us know and she is thinking about calling", "the police, but we told her we'd handle it since", "you've never had any marks against you. i know", "you lied and i know you played the biggest part", "in this. your instructor mr. gray is also very", "upset with you and it'd be best if you write him", "an apology. what you did was extremely wrong and", "considered bullying. some people will hurt", "themselves after being subjected to this sort of", "unkind treatment.\"", "i couldn't listen anymore. i was so fucking", "pissed off. i decided to stand up for myself and", "tell her it wasn't my fault and whatever girl x", "told you was wrong. it was all her idea, i never", "wanted to do it blah blah blah", "she stood up with an extremely angry look on her", "face and leaned over and got so close to mine i", "could feel her breath on my nose and said \"shut", "up. you're lying to me. all the other girls said", "it was all your doing. your story doesn't match", "up, and i'm not sorry but i'm a lot older than", "you so i know exactly what's going on here. do", "you want me to call the police??? do you want to", "get sued and have to pay thousands of dollars or", "go to this girls funeral??? so shut up before you", "get sent to daep (out of school detention which", "was literally the worst thing they had in my", "mind) and also, just so you know you're banned", "from going to the last dance this school year. if", "you had been honest we might have considered your", "attendance but because you are irresponsible and", "like to bully other children we won't be seeing", "you there. i've already called your father and he", "will be having a talk with you as well.\"", "my heart fucking broke. i was going to go with", "all of my friends and even had gotten a special", "outfit just for the dance. 6th grade was almost", "over and they'd be taking pictures for the", "yearbook too and i couldn't have any of that, all", "because i decided to let peer pressure control me", "into bullying someone. i was fucking horrified", "and miserable.", "the next school day no one talked to me. not even", "the teachers. they all glared at me, moved as far", "away as possible when i sat by them and the looks", "they gave made me feel like a literal piece of", "trash. needless to say i never had a sleepover", "again and i didn't stay friends with 2 of the", "girls and my best friend wasn't allowed to call", "me for months so i didn't see her either.", "now that i look back i don't know what the actual", "fuck i was thinking. like i was an all a student,", "never missed a day of school...all around perfect", "goody two-shoes kinda kid.. it is still the most", "bizarre fuck up i've ever made and i don't even", "know why i did it." ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0.010206961903239697, 0, 0.2219713799547755, 0.05913865554734344, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.00008982808081449481, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.28807138765678164, 0.00446398147061423, 0, 0, 0.2575062181539989, 0, 0, 0.08795042662271962, 0.38174877174210853, 0, 0.09990324650303219, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.10636426217475385, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0, 0.008049145829172625, 0, 0, 0.003943916013392342, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.026350902953621986, 0, 0, 0, 0.0010760004183574283, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0042636764857938, 0.012124705643644654, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.10251933398531037, 0, 0.31271861088156244, 0.007928738750095853, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.01913400407621833, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0006424296973957955, 0, 0, 0.21118804491337265, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.14875433162183246, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.19309206485589264, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.34141080404431356, 0.2539559108879135, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0131145023208183, 0.0005956826426846234, 0, 0, 0, 0.08681056647484414, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.4322823010693191, 0, 0, 0, 0 ]

[ "so this happened a few hours back. i'm on my", "motorcycle going to my uncle's place. i've got", "some documents tucked under my shirt and as a", "result, i'm sitting rather uncomfortably.", "i'd stopped for a while at some point before", "turning into my uncle's lane. during this", "opportune moment, i presume, a mosquito must've", "landed on my forearm. as i'm lazing through the", "narrow road, i feel a sting on my right arm. i", "look down and see the largest fucking mosquito", "pocketing my blood. instinctively, i lift my left", "arm and try and hit it.", "what i had not accounted for, was a spasm it", "would set off on my arm when i did. the sudden", "jerking movement of the arm on the throttle", "directly led to the motorcycle equivalent of", "flooring it. mind you, it's a 500 cc royal", "enfield and it's got quite a large flywheel. the", "sudden surge forward nearly threw me off it.", "didn't stop there. the road is narrow with walls", "on both sides.", "the bike jerked to the right and scraped the", "wall. thankfully, the crash guard i had installed", "prevented my leg being turned into pulp between a", "200 kilo motorcycle and a wall. the crash guard", "sustained a few scratches but other than that, i", "survived.", "so there you go. it's true what they say about", "mosquitoes being the most dangerous killers on", "the planet. they have curious ways of getting", "you." ]

[ 0.4070283202898949, 1, 0.22686426624894335, 0, 0.051695025088762454, 0.13283981866918662, 0.9404409172562006, 0.5509759524271673, 0.494335976955086, 0.22419624764742577, 0.18279513320370863, 0.4407856250413921, 0, 0.7012447000298287, 0.5927822963896073, 0.8828044848511254, 0.05248760429735446, 0.4746265877135449, 0.17693644364258965, 0, 0.3637909592735352, 0.21354312267326586, 0, 0.22314018744719716, 0.4650528898879586, 0.05206641852754456, 0, 0, 0.15315063721012823, 0, 0 ]

[ "i work in the film business as a mover, and we", "were dressing a set in downtown la yesterday", "evening. we hopped out of the truck, which has a", "huge fox logo on the side, and started unloading,", "when one of the set dressers who was already on", "site came up to us and pointed at a film crew", "about 50ft away that i had assumed was ours", "\"hey guys look, scientologists are filming a", "comercial\"", "well we load things onto a dolly, and we start", "moving past their setup into the building we had", "to dress. the scientology crew of about 20 people", "watch us, and a couple smile and wave. being", "someone who enjoys a little joke, i say", "\"hey, have you guys seen south park? i love that", "show!\"", "quick chuckle from our crew, and we move on from", "their film crew, who you could tell was not", "amused.", "fast forward to this morning, when i get into", "work, my boss calls myself and the two other guys", "who were with me up to him, and he tells us he", "recieved a complaint. i'm relativley new, so it", "was just a warning, but it wasnt worth making the", "guy who's in charge of my whole day mad at me, as", "i'm now standing on a rooftop in downtown la", "until 8pm." ]

[ 0.1658206178374542, 0.05717389045428916, 0.08272770936983032, 0.29830632953371683, 0.3892835747149698, 0.016680972378968366, 0.14478416626555676, 0.19319188929188008, 0, 0.039530124194854174, 0.23450335938286587, 0.16762122401814397, 0, 0.07012108477738267, 0.0568373394048651, 0, 0.1380929545776619, 0.11013890249070239, 0, 0.08822091743787526, 1, 0.08513942801365226, 0.03345060494914921, 0.052841645650533946, 0.18938185539232746, 0.052295943605896004, 0 ]

[ "i just got a new laptop. it's nothing special,", "~$300 dell machine with a skylake i5, integrated", "graphics, etc. despite it not being special, i", "needed it for almost every single class (i'm in", "high school).", "now, i go to a boarding school, so it's about a", "30 second walk between my dorm and academic", "building. so when my backpack's computer pocket", "wouldn't close, i thought very little of it.", "after all, it wasn't a very long walk, it would", "be fine. furthermore, the laptop is very large,", "so it sticks out about a quarter of its length", "from the pocket. i did have a fabric case on it,", "but it wasn't very protective.", "as i was walking, i tripped slightly on the set", "of stairs we have between the two buildings. as i", "tripped, my laptop in its case flew out of its", "pocket. it tumbled down the long flight of", "concrete stairs, crashing on each one. i was", "horrified. when i picked it up, though, no damage", "(other than some minor scratches) had occurred.", "i was pressed for time, and had to get to my", "class, so i simply picked it up and carried it in", "my hands. my first class (calc) didn't involve", "computers, so i almost forgot about the incident.", "until computer science.", "i was hoping that my case would have protected", "it. i opened my computer in that class. a large", "strip of pixels around the border of the computer", "was black. it wasn't horrible, it was still", "usable. but a far more insidious problem had", "taken root.", "about two weeks later, i noticed that whenever i", "tilted the computer, it would turn off.", "apparently, i had damaged by motherboard and my", "battery, and the computer was essentially junked.", "i'll need to buy a new one. and a better case.", "always zip your backpack up fully. and always", "have a protective laptop case." ]

[ 0.009767646868997627, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.34183567584131747, 0.03508185698799003, 0, 0, 0.021309236611724087, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.772172103400891, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.25659872750034, 0, 0.3969261582428904, 0, 0, 0.009767646868997627, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.34183567584131747, 0.03508185698799003, 0, 1, 0.07200474521136113 ]

[ "starting off with the obligatory this didn't", "actually happen today. i was 18 at the time this", "happened and it was probably the scariest life", "realization i've had in my life so far.", "at the time i owned three red-eared sliders", "(common turtle) that were in a 50 gallon glass", "aquarium. they had it nice in there with a very", "easy access basking spot and a hot lamp that is", "on a timer that turns on around 7am and turns off", "around 8pm. along with a nice, deep pool. the top", "of it is a metal mesh screen that you slide out", "and the basking lamp sits on top of the screen.", "so every morning i had to give these gluttonous", "pigs a quarter head of lettuce and a couple", "ounces of pellets before i went to school around", "7:30 or so. turn the lamp off, place it on my", "computer desk. pull the screen back to throw food", "in there. then put everything back in place. no", "big deal until one easter morning...", "both of my grandparents passed away and every", "easter my family and i go out to the cemetery to", "go pay our respects than afterwards we head home", "to go enjoy the rest of our day.", "well i wake up that morning around 6am to go get", "ready to head out for the cemetery. so i do my", "normal routine like i usually do before school", "except only about an hour or so earlier. in my", "groggy state the turtle lamp wasn't turned on yet", "so i just took it off and placed it on my desk", "fed the turtles and hastily put everything back", "and we left to go do our thing.", "everything went good as they usually do. sweep", "off the headstone. put flower planters next to", "them. the full works. we finally get home and its", "around 10 or so. i get inside and it smells like", "someone is having a barbecue. i ask my mom if the", "neighbor is grilling something. she just shrugs", "it off. i head upstairs and the smell gets a lot", "stronger. i walk into my room and see smoke", "smoldering from on top of my desk with the heat", "lamp on. i rush over to turn it off and place it", "on the tank. as soon as i pulled it up, a huge", "waft of smoke fills my room and sets off the", "smoke alarm. my parents start freaking out and", "run upstairs to see a smoldering charred circle", "on my desk with me standing there with this dumb", "ass look on my face. i was speechless.", "we opened up the windows and got fans setup to", "blow the smoke out. eventually the alarm turned", "off and got the smoke out but it still smelled", "like smoked wood. i talk to my parents and tell", "them what happened. my mom starts screaming at me", "telling us we could of lost our house. my dad", "just standing there giving me that disappointed", "look. that was probably the worst i have ever", "felt. knowing that i could of burnt the house", "that i grew up in down to the ground. plus i lost", "a very nice computer desk." ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.2613386515213806, 0.050176436458413715, 0, 0, 0.15850767801688598, 0, 0.23722944777983757, 1, 0.10981655568930457, 0.010288319597600645, 0, 0, 0, 0.24734430485718148, 0, 0.3713824969162956, 0.0983075051746463, 0.010167358048458386, 0, 0, 0.04029165672441074, 0.23421762738129115, 0.49871807169202914, 0.7846926473406367, 0, 0, 0.018038679518173093, 0, 0.02957824160151562, 0, 0.020364428130633997, 0.19699574141178422, 0.7189491817927272, 0.5253986024107582, 0.21882188345229223, 0.15550583861852146, 0.11074663152859862, 0.0086751946078374, 0.0725994980018983, 0.039463426813428744, 0, 0.025139783152194724, 0.010055839356555157, 0.027635658495623487, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0761046909854471, 0, 0.18923989022781246 ]

[ "this morning i got up to tend to our baby and give", "her a breakfast feed as she was awake and crying.", "so i jump out of bed, make a pot of coffee, make", "up her bottle and go change her nappy.", "we move out of bubs room and set up on the couch,", "i've got her in my arms feeding her the bottle", "whilst casually drinking the cup of coffee i'd", "just made. awesome.", "she finished her bottle and as usual dozed", "straight back off for her post-bottle morning", "nap. i finished my coffee and grab my phone to", "check reddit. that's when i see it...its three", "o'clock in the goddamned morning.", "so i'm now stuck underneath my sleeping baby with", "a hefty caffeine buzz, and you better believe i", "make my morning coffee strong, counting down each", "long minute until i can start my morning proper.", "hey, at least it's friday!" ]

[ 0.22382156634113431, 0, 0.15608452930593025, 0, 0, 0, 0.22972770810844442, 0, 0, 0, 0.5226895493041535, 0, 0, 1, 0, 0.40182461799089986, 0.0021840972287290096, 0.9814828722812511 ]

[ "this just happened, potentially still happening.", "so, i work for a smallish independent retail", "brand, we have about 5 shops, mostly in the one", "town. because of this kind of independent vibe we", "don't have a man who comes and collects out daily", "banking each week but rather we take it to the", "bank every day. now this is done by one of us", "counting it and filling in the paperwork and then", "another person double checks it and puts the", "paperwork in the bag, seals the bag, and then", "takes it to the bank.", "well, this is normally done by managers (i am", "one) but occasionally a sales assistant does this", "with a manager watching. i haven't been there", "that long and the other manager was busy, so i", "asked a sales assistant to do this. the person i", "asked has been there for years so i left them to", "it-i needed to do a few other things so i just", "shouted to them it's on the side and carried on", "as normal. here comes the fuck up, the employee", "assumed that all the paperwork and counting had", "been done, so they just took the bag and paid it", "in without the slip. the other manager noticed", "this and really told me off, i went to the bank", "and fixed the problem but i have still come", "across as stupid for assuming the sales assistant", "would do all the checking without being asked.", "however the worst part is that the sales", "assistant has told me that they also didn't check", "if the bag was sealed, and so this has been put", "into a banking machine as an open bag- and now", "i'm worried that quite a few hundred pounds could", "fall out the bag in the box where it is paid", "into. if this happened i would be assigned all", "the blame and i'm also worried that they will", "make me pay the lost money." ]

[ 0, 0.09342183762898076, 0, 0, 0, 0.036034829694098325, 0, 0.00773160719706189, 0.006536394458071924, 0.10627685812932505, 0.052582746051008246, 0, 0.4503056151881643, 0.08037818030268165, 0.11173110492263788, 0.8710837604284186, 0.2535547982168739, 0.3255934265181598, 0.5495808130941024, 0, 0.04357154781473479, 0.20224133873677083, 0.3939823032376982, 0.23447991521285752, 0.006724395840901313, 0.239722200121154, 1, 0.018191890583647608, 0.035803471470866585, 0.48018765822248966, 0.2663847141826454, 0, 0.11017179049878681, 0.013289194921944282, 0.00011093296761064496, 0 ]

[ "first up, this is actually a fuck up happening", "right now. second, i am on my phone which tries", "to auto-correct every word into a german word. so", "if there is something strange don't be confused.", "so a cousin of mine is going to marry next", "weekend and because he lives a bit further out", "and i don't have a car i need to go to my parents", "and than drive with them to the wedding. i also", "live in a different city than my parents 1 and a", "half hours away by train. so there i was sitting", "in the train for ruffly 20 minutes when i", "realised something. i had forgotten my suit. i", "obviously need it for the wedding. so i got out", "of the train with the goal to go back and grab", "it. as soon as i made it to the other side of the", "station in the middle of nowhere, the train back", "home left, without me getting in. no all this", "would be annoying as it is, but because today is", "a holiday (corpus cristi) the bus i will have to", "catch after i take the next train only goes once", "per hour. and of course right after the train", "will arrive, meaning i'll have to wait another", "hour. as if that wasn't enough there is an", "intense thunderstorm going on and i am only in", "shorts and t-shirt because when i left it was", "still nice weather. and last but not least, the", "[roof at the train station isn't really doing its", "job.](http://i.imgur.com/h43nhab.jpg)" ]

[ 0.013464374855954506, 0.18148301128417627, 0.02602073458660447, 0, 0.14338562143966774, 0.06877277163808837, 0.19059801383250435, 0.1605692248384407, 0.16885722340599008, 0, 0.24244466072047247, 0.237796832605321, 0, 0.1373774794135762, 0.07835322559122797, 1, 0.21035648523235845, 0, 0.066343751436212, 0.00047102240087123435, 0.13402526349662774, 0, 0, 0.203275764903917, 0.0125108768901251, 0.04386698407029102, 0.1631156310344901, 0 ]

[ "background: i live in a mother in law apartment on", "the back of land lord's property. its 800 sqft,", "but due to its layout is way more spacious and", "has a ton of room for storage. moreover, it's in", "one of the best neighborhoods in my town. super", "walkable area, plenty of shops and restaurants", "and other amenities nearby. i have been living", "here for five years and love it here. normally in", "my town, a place like this would easily cost 1k /", "month, but i'm only paying $650 a month.", "the story, i have been looking to make a change", "in career from being an accountant to doing", "property management. i recently saw that a local", "property management company was looking for some", "coordinator type role with a background in", "accounting/bookkeeping. i figured i would be a", "good fit and decided to apply.", "i got a call within a week of submitting my", "resume and schedule a quick phone interview. the", "phone interview goes great and we move onto an", "in-person interview. in person, the interview", "goes great and i've got a strong feeling they are", "going to make an offer. the entire process at", "this point has taken about 3.5 weeks.", "now, this is where the tifu starts to come into", "play. i smoke weed 2-3 times a month. usually on", "weekends with friends or while on a hike. i saw", "that when i applied to a position that might be", "required a background/ drug test. it had been 1", "week since i had smoked last. i figured i would", "just take a break and see how this played out", "that way i wouldn't have to worry about a drug", "test.", "they finally receive a job offer from them at the", "4-week mark. i ask for time to give two weeks", "notice at my current employer. give me two weeks", "and wait to start my new job. they ask me to come", "fill out new hire paperwork, background check and", "schedule a drug test. at this point its been a", "little over 5 weeks since i had last smoked. i", "took several at home drug tests and none of them", "tested positive, so i was in the clear- even if", "they hadn't been clean i've cheated the piss test", "a few times before so i wasn't too worried.", "i go in for the drug test, only to find out that", "it was a hair test! i was honestly shocked that", "they used a hair test. i've never had to do a", "hair test for an employer before. the only person", "i know that had to do a hair test was a friend of", "mine that works for a military contractor, his", "job also required him to have some sort of", "clearance level. talk about overkill imo! i know", "that hair tests are way more expensive to", "administer.", "at this point, i pretty much realize i'm more or", "less fucked. if i had known it was a hair test i", "would have never applied, let alone waste their", "time and my time with the interview process. i", "would of especially not quit my damned job! i'm", "pretty much praying that somehow i'll pass this", "hair test by the grace of the dark lord cthulu or", "that they won't care about me popping for just", "pot.", "well, i was not that lucky and they did care", "about the pot. i get the results back and they", "tell me they are rescinding their offer. so at", "this point i've lost a good job opportunity and", "i'm without a job. this is bad enough, but it", "gets worse. turns out that my landlord is a part", "owner in the property management company (his", "nephew now runs the day to day operations). the", "nephew obviously recognized my address and told", "his uncle about the test results. my landlord", "comes over , a few days offer the job offer has", "been rescinded and told me how his nephew told", "him about the drug test results and that he knew", "i was a drug addict or something (basically turns", "out he's jeff sessions' clone). tells me he will", "not be renewing my lease in four months and that", "he'll be keeping a close eye on me. i think he", "called me a degenerate at least four times. this", "was about five days ago. he's been increasingly", "hostile towards me (nothing major just a lot of", "stupid comments and small petty stuff). i,", "however, fear that he might escalate. i have", "already started looking for a new place to live", "and i've cleared my house of any and all", "marijuana-related items. i'm more or less ready", "to break the lease in order to get out of the", "situation.", "so to sum up, i am currently unemployed and have", "lost a really kick ass rental house." ]

[ 0.7659920785325088, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0174889957290069, 0, 0, 0, 0.00025776856933050544, 0, 0, 0.4532047723197193, 0.34745359510316637, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.9517548237371236, 0.05706239137578406, 0, 0, 0.5429567559287428, 0.12360867909671552, 0, 0, 0.09824469589303694, 0, 0, 0.23019052563892298, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.1290254475943856, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.015540184329030142, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.2822726009099438, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.08699979146828252, 0, 0.017502793919180634, 0, 0.1649491258683159, 1, 0.0002833828360685121, 0, 0.6152485039526842, 0, 0, 0.40071853356808346, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.015732972867358242, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0001999633613893544, 0.7116088112168034 ]

[ "as is tradition, this did not happen today but", "instead happened ~10 years back. but since i was", "staring at my scar, i decided to post.", "i was working at eb games at the time - this was", "after the buyout but before they changed the", "names of all ebs to gamestop. we were just at the", "beginning of the christmas rush but before they", "actually authorized us to have multiple people", "scheduled in the middle of the day. so i was", "covering the store by myself and it was far from", "dead.", "as such, i had many things to do and none took", "precedence. as the fup occurred, i was fielding a", "question from a customer while crouching down to", "open the latest shipment. while giving my", "standard schpiel about why it's a terrible idea", "to buy gta for your 10-year-old and", "simultaneously clicking open the box cutter and", "starting to inbox the shipment, the phone rings.", "as i stand to answer the phone, the eb greeting", "playing in my head, the dull box cutter slid off", "the tape and into the cardboard - creating just", "enough resistance to sling forward as i stand.", "the momentum carried it right to, and across, my", "left thumb.", "i felt absolutely nothing. at first. just as", "\"thank you for calling eb games\" falls out of my", "mouth on autopilot, a severe burning sensation", "alerts me to the fact that i just butterflied my", "thumb. without even looking (and praying it's", "minor) i grabbed a paper towel and wrapped it", "tightly around my thumb while finishing the call.", "i then quickly say to the customer \"excuse me\" as", "i rush to the bathroom to wash out the wound and", "inspect the damage. (sidenote: washing was", "definitely the right call, but the sensation of", "skin flapping around under running water is the", "most disconcerting thing i have experienced)", "a very deep gash ran about half the length of my", "thumb, pouring blood. wrapped it back up, walked", "back out to the main room, and finished helping", "the customer before calling and arranging for the", "next employee to come in early (the customer -", "bless her heart - just thought i \"had to go to", "the bathroom really badly\"). as soon as he", "arrived, i rush my ass to urgent care and many", "stitches later return to the shop just in time to", "clock out. luckily the only permanent damage was", "the scar and a tingly sensation when i touch the", "scar as it crosses the knuckle (partial nerve", "damage rather than total), no loss of mobility.", "also luckily workman's comp meant no bills." ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.031153496824758348, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0.8496408425872012, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0 ]

[ "this was a couple of years ago. i lived next to an", "old woman - a pretty intimidating west indian", "lady, who after just a week of me living there,", "shouted at me about some vines that were growing", "on our shared garden wall. i tried smiling a", "couple of times when i saw her outside but she", "just glowered at me, so i just kept my head down", "after that.", "anyway... after being there a few months i", "started hearing a dripping. like she hadn't", "turned off one of her taps, and this noise was", "still there the next day and the day after. i", "started to get a bit worried about her so i", "knocked on the door... no answer. looked through", "the letter box and through the windows - couldn't", "see any sign of her so i decided to ring the", "police. if she'd had a fall and needed help, and", "i hadn't done anything then i'd feel awful so...", "i explained to the police that i don't know the", "woman, and she could be on holiday for all i know", "but she was pretty old and there's been a tap", "dripping for days and no one is answering the", "door.", "i'm not sure what response i was expecting but", "they sent two police cars, an ambulance and a", "fire engine. which is enough to completely shut", "down a narrow english terraced street. they", "kicked her front door down, in front of everyone", "who lived on the street who had all come out to", "see what was happening, then broke into a bedroom", "door that was also locked and... it turns out", "that she was on her holidays.", "they actually left a note on the door saying the", "next door neighbour had called the police.", "grassed me right up!", "she gets back from her holiday, her front door is", "a mess, and comes straight round to my place,", "going absolutely fucking dingy. i explained why i", "called the police and she said \"what's it to you", "if i'm dead? what the police going to about that?", "i don't need no help if i'm dead.\"", "edit: for those asking, i would call the police", "again in the same scenario. also... i've since", "moved home so it'll be a whole new door for them", "to kick down!", "edit 2 - clarifications:", "the dripping: it was coming from a boiler - not", "sure how that translates outside of england but", "it's the unit that powers the central heating", "system (not an ac unit but rather a hot water", "system that warms the radiators and hot water", "that comes out of the taps). i didn't actually", "see it but the police told me it was that rather", "than a tap making the noise. there was already a", "bucket or something underneath and i think it was", "the drops hitting the build up of water in there", "that i could hear.", "the house: it was a terraced house rather than", "flats/apartments so i'm not sure she even had a", "landlord for me to call - she could have owned", "the house. her kitchen led out onto the garden", "and the boiler was in the kitchen. i could only", "hear the noise from my garden and once, i knew to", "listen for it, also from my bedroom with the", "window open (it overlooked the gardens). i", "couldn't hear it from anywhere else inside the", "house." ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.41492476693743124, 0, 0, 0, 0.0005289706970866699, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.06659739256934315, 0.5888652704245421, 0.17758812135954682, 0.7911062585260538, 0.15230271049986055, 0, 0.12856405598275972, 0, 0.2557744469642842, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0.957433973668956, 0.21867079941328482, 0.78607677923828, 0, 0.19987706324010615, 0.05850493277789298, 0, 0.6795478196270605, 0.16407057942758668, 0, 0.06577766495987321, 0, 0, 0.24560347375609234, 0, 0.1298034754814419, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.043226860185374825, 0, 0.045412847235823214, 0, 0, 0.02433709067217084, 0, 0, 0, 0.00012128802498399497, 0, 0.04251868250310329, 0, 0, 0 ]

[ "this happened a few months ago. this girl i really", "liked and a couple friends and i were hanging", "out. driving around, laughing, talking exploring", "places in my city. it's now late at night and", "there's this house being built that's absolutely", "massive. it's just past midnight so it's dark", "enough we figured we'd go take a look at it. we", "go in, and this thing is still in pretty early", "development. just starting the drywall. we go in,", "i'm walking around, go to the backyard. they have", "this cool stone path thing they're setting up.", "between the big rocks, there's large gaps. about", "4 feet. i decide to start jumping from rock to", "rock. i know i can make it. on my way back", "towards the house, girl (who we'll call rebecca", "for story sake) is looking at me laughing, as i'm", "dancing on the rocks and singing. i go to leap,", "and my foot slips and i slam my leg on the stone.", "hurts like a bitch. but can't tell rebecca that.", "so i keep going, come back and we continue to", "walk around for hours, leg still in pain.", "eventually, we start heading home, and rebecca", "asks if she can stay the night. hell yeah. we do", "our thing, she leaves the next morning. my leg", "still hurts. weeks go by and my leg is still in", "pain. go to the doctor and he said i have a", "fracture on my tibia i've only made worse by", "walking around on it so damn much. totally worth", "the slay though.", "edit: spelling and grammar corrections" ]

[ 0.9061071370109202, 0.9154256173787286, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.6692042355033263, 0, 0, 1, 0.638951582511946, 0, 0.800629667869625, 0.9729510702966242, 0.7104450946947117, 0, 0.7351025657116608, 0, 0.9162463913558314, 0.6760432609731806, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.9534037643193416, 0.7946317754245005, 0.41544711290061914, 0, 0 ]

[ "so i decided to do an easy ride on the city", "cycleway (a shared path for pedestrians and", "cyclists) going around 15-25km/h. i decided to", "place my hand on the top part of", "[handlebar](https://i.stack.imgur.com/i1gd0.gif)", "instead of the hood, for most part of my ride", "(fyi, riding on the top part basically means your", "hands are the furthest away from the brakes).", "why?", "because i'm a complacent idiot who thinks that", "things will be smooth sailing and i will not need", "my brakes if i'm riding on a relatively flat and", "straight cycleway.", "so as i was coming to a group of schoolkids, i", "steered my bike away from them, like normal", "cyclists would. out of a sudden, two of the kids", "decided to push each other and one ended up right", "in my direct path. as my hands were far away from", "the brakes, i was not able to do an emergency", "brake and has to veer of into the bush.", "luckily no one was injured and i managed to", "recover without having a fall, but it could have", "ended pretty badly with me crashing straight into", "the kid." ]

[ 0.49735112880828064, 0.04386261332584541, 0.1333705676133526, 0.24649772529131084, 0, 0.11825663055678225, 0.03657817854814305, 1, 0, 0.12478420811989607, 0.004539475286542273, 0.11563090772876981, 0, 0.08134151416075423, 0.10501267988923764, 0.03469512860738726, 0.1409852032488083, 0.1677976364301621, 0.15093927086367306, 0.11466288357005679, 0.05444505832276917, 0, 0.04746495070865071, 0.10705069893393715 ]

[ "obligatory this didn't happen today, was about a", "month ago. i liked sitting indian state for most", "of my life. but a month ago, things changed. i", "sat indian style for about an hour and when i", "stood up my foot was asleep. no big deal, right?", "then the bastard stayed asleep for 3 weeks. i", "went to the doctor, then a neurologist, had an", "mri, blood work, and a second mri on the way.", "blood work came back fine. some displacement of", "my lumbar vertebrae, and i started physical", "therapy. i now have sciatica/nerve damage, severe", "foot drop, lost a month of work, about a thousand", "dollars in medical bills. i am back to work now", "but i have to wear a brace to keep my foot from", "dropping, and a brace for my ankle since it is", "very weak. the numbness subsided but it is still", "awkward to walk (i am a landscaper). so lesson", "learned and i hope you all take heed and be weary", "of sitting indian style. on the plus side, my", "braces look pretty cool. they still don't know if", "i will ever be able to life my foot again, but", "there is some hope because my muscles contract", "when they use electric stim on my leg. be careful", "out there fellow indian style enthusiasts." ]

[ 0, 0.09118798521809635, 0, 0.4684879838610247, 0.017975267440535347, 0, 0.00592789905694289, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.028556416001631852, 0, 0.4606420883122603, 0, 0, 0.00717351951959235, 0.08059054821200935, 0.5051075122247848, 0.9117291007342684, 1, 0, 0, 0.6327729094882437 ]

[ "unlike many such stories, tifu royally. so for the", "last few days i have felt \"the crud\" coming on.", "this generally consists of my tonsils and", "adenoids swelling until it feels like i am", "gargling someone's nuts and trying to talk at the", "same time. a hallmark of these infections is", "white pustules appearing at the back of my", "throat, difficulty swallowing, and a sore throat.", "well every box on that shit list has been", "checked. usually i will gargle a mixture of warm", "salt water and listerine to reduce the swelling", "and help kill off the infection. well a genius", "idea popped into my head this morning. what if i", "\"pressure washed\" the infected nodules off of my", "tonsils?! surely this would remove some of the", "infected mess and speed up the healing process. i", "was a goddamn medical genius. since this is a", "tifu i am a fucking idiot and don't have the", "slightest understanding of how tonsillitis", "actually works. i loaded up the aforementioned", "water pick with my infection-killing potion. my", "other trusty tools were a plastic butter knife i", "was using as a tongue depressor and the led light", "on my phone. so as i awkwardly juggled my kit i", "selected my \"target areas\" and fired that baby", "up. immediately upon blasting the back of my", "throat i felt searing pain in my tonsils. i", "reasoned that this was probably normally as i was", "trying to forcefully remove infected tissue. i", "made it about 20 seconds into this whole", "experience before i shor this mixture into my", "wind pipe. i quickly began to choke and gag all", "while spraying the walls and ceiling of the", "bathroom with my salt water/listerine mix. this", "led me to blindly stumble to the bath tub and", "where i promptly spent the next five minutes", "vomiting seawater, mouth wash and blood. sadly no", "infected tissue was removed. i cleaned myself up", "and stepped back to survey the damage to the", "bathroom (water closet, loo, toilet/shower area", "or whatever you call it). it smelled like aquaman", "had jerked off with a bottle of mouth wash and", "promptly left a mere mortal to clean up his mess.", "so i am left with a (more) sore throat, a near", "death experience and a better understanding of", "how tonsillitis works after doing some reading on", "wikipedia. later in the day i went to a walk-in", "clinic like a big boy and was given an oral", "antibiotic. this was my only day off this week." ]

[ 0, 0.15350190705798505, 0.7664641709338889, 0.0004057229708113387, 0.16917182899415378, 0.026033889961653744, 0.051430629234624915, 0.28708981704694697, 0, 0.1417911020798646, 0.7446249634871832, 0.18424801894569315, 0.03665402554062044, 0.05223080509317023, 0.051430629234624915, 0.6246691499937477, 0.02643961293246508, 0.45518449857308846, 0, 0.3242145044634663, 1, 0.12773571291210745, 0.13715287528866893, 0.7264226414518115, 0.13822402096344022, 0.22658445462277763, 0.7079830297017792, 0, 0.2806637915710988, 0, 0.1501321545943719, 0.34828356784199543, 0.02578876981418278, 0.07782088029127951, 0.16873882972250762, 0.012715274760791774, 0, 0.7695214445152228, 0.25611061559307396, 0.11050430649708248, 0, 0.09191487036870799, 0.488467485989682, 0.037670652420232716, 0.2479201603096961, 0.026033889961653744, 0.49000963312044243, 0.09167837113634975, 0.03874916472244552 ]

[ "so i have a really big problem with letting myself", "avoid things, which is just part of my really big", "anxiety problem.", "last year around christmas time i got a really", "bad tooth infection that hurt like hell so after", "a few days of binging on pain killers and hoping", "it would go away on it's own i went to the", "dentist. they found the infection and said i'd", "need to come back for a root canal. the pain went", "away before i even finished the antibiotics and", "even the weird bump in my gums wasn't there so", "being the dumbass i am i decided that that means", "i don't need to go back.", "now two days ago i started feeling the pain", "again, and yesterday when i woke up the left side", "of my face was really swollen. i don't even think", "it's done getting bigger. i already had to get", "some surgery and have to get more tuesday and", "wednesday. they cut a whole deep into my gums and", "put a plastic straw in to keep it open so it", "drains out and now there's pus and blood randomly", "trickling into my mouth." ]

[ 0.12207781454234855, 0.4132159189069859, 0, 0.035012058850335134, 0, 0.008521834121393242, 0.24202531128863636, 0.05484924391313929, 0.2752331282440917, 0.18277980495834326, 0.28010060929123753, 0, 0.1010920400294552, 0, 0, 1, 0.006822697253577812, 0.042707381157573956, 0.05720434713492001, 0.23248554717972197, 0.010742212556007562, 0.15564550068089905 ]

[ "obligatory \"this was not today\" statement, this", "fuck up actually happened february of last year.", "i've been trying to think of a good story to put", "here and finally i remembered this.", "i should start this by saying i've never really", "done drugs, and i rarely drink. so going to my", "first real college party was a new experience. it", "started like i imagined it would; pre-drinking at", "some other guys house for a little bit before", "leaving and heading out to the bar.", "however, a few minutes before we left, the host", "of the party (imma just call him greg from here", "on) pulled out a box of brownies. i quickly", "realized that they weren't your typical brownies;", "they were weed brownies. i thought \"screw it,", "it's my first real party, let's try it out\". so,", "i ate one of them. feeling nothing after a few", "minutes, i ask if i can try another. greg says", "\"are you sure? one brownie is normally enough to", "get someone messed up\". as i'm quite a few drinks", "in at this point, i'm like \"nah dude it's fine\"", "and take a second one, having no idea what i am", "getting myself into.", "so, 40 minutes later, we're sitting in a bar on", "the main street, and i'm starting to feel a bit", "tired. not really paying attention, i kind of", "lower my gaze to the table, then look back up.", "i wish i could describe what i saw/felt like in", "that moment.", "everything was brighter and slower and in", "like...hyper-resolution. i felt like i was", "floating, and i started to find everything", "hilarious. it was super stereotypical marijuana", "symptoms that i didn't think i was going to have", "until that exact moment. i tried my best to hide", "how much it was hitting me but considering the", "fact that i was sitting there giggling at my", "fingers i felt like it was kind of obvious. this", "goes on for hours and i don't feel any less", "wrecked, until 2am hits and we go home.", "so, this is already bad, but here's the kicker.", "tomorrow is the start of spring break. in 4 hours", "i have to catch a bus and go home for a week.", "i stayed at greg's place because it was close to", "the terminal. so i'm pacing around my room trying", "to sober up (which i now know doesn't work) and", "freaking out hardcore like \"if i don't sober up", "soon is the bus driver gonna know i'm high as a", "kite? am i fucked?\"", "short answer: yes.", "well, not extremely. i somehow manage to wake up", "after 4 hours of sleep and stumble to my bus. i", "thought the effects would be gone by the time i", "got home. they weren't. i don't even know how", "this happened but i spent the first two days of", "spring break feeling stoned out of my gourd", "barely functioning as a human. my parents did", "realize something was wrong, but didn't tell me", "till a few days later. thankfully, they didn't", "really care much. didn't really make up for the", "headache i had for days after though." ]

[ 0, 0.2513883773995515, 0, 0.17303156589964408, 0, 0.15783566963546683, 0, 0, 0, 0.11259650224779423, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.021764623661320325, 0.16469624990285306, 0.5633737874800365, 0, 0.3377608875590735, 0, 0.11172857815278542, 0, 0.023217084671604517, 0, 0.014454596888650006, 0, 0, 0.17625244206867174, 0.00847662612080772, 0, 0.16585543682465542, 0.16994074356502648, 0, 0, 0.41639220867941656, 0.01621136669537935, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.3308586432991956, 0.00024662045400234166, 0.9797124530276685, 1, 0.7302732198651648, 0.00030486892213451693, 0.029528507887319474, 0.34920514397999597, 0.5674422615781853, 0.5211172609025921 ]

[ "so this didnt happen today but two years ago, i", "just found this sub so i decided i could post", "this. decided to keep it short so i left out some", "parts.", "so two years ago i was on a vacation in the alps", "with my whole family. the cabin we rented was", "fairly large and me and my cousins had a room in", "the basement. after a day of skiing we decided to", "chill out in our room, but the internet was shit", "down there. we then realized that it was a bit", "better in the staircase then what it was in our", "room.", "so fast forward a bit and i go to sit down beside", "my cousin in the staircase when my left arm bumps", "into a light spot in the wall. it doesnt sound so", "bad, its just a light right? nope, it has a piece", "of metal sourounding it and its fucking hot. like", "hotter than a stove on full power hot. so i can", "feel it stinging a bit and i pull my arm towards", "me and look at it only to see that ive melt of", "half the skin on my left forearm.", "we went to the doctor teh next day and they told", "me it was a 2nd and 3rd degree burn and they gave", "me some meds and bandages and told me to go to my", "doctor when i got home." ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.5378712833073466, 0.0717556833916451, 0.033359579132499914, 0.08394437065337888, 0.037493993915221596, 0.0911653994571153, 0.123417131959373, 0, 0.032403083397965556, 0.19979395806033828, 0.008998392120153268, 0.06307385910097552, 0.13756560746443777, 0.09528787586128001, 0, 0.029016531719189824, 0.06514124090713072, 0.0029824937648811035, 1, 0.040190149951976915, 0.17778698260530554 ]

[ "today actually started off not to bad. i'm", "homeless living in my car. woke up outside", "walmart and just chilled out surfing reddit till", "it warmed up, then i went over to the library and", "found a coupon in my email for something i wanted", "that was already on sale. order it online for", "pickup. its right next to taco bell where i can", "try out the new box and try to win an xbox...", "generally better than usual day.", "after lunch i'm sitting in my car playing wiiu,", "finishing my baha blast when i go to fart and", "baha blast my pants. see i'm out of cash and just", "been using my credit card. it seemed logical in", "my position to only eat once a day too. so taco", "bell after not eating with my stomach = poo in", "the pants. but it's like you have lots of iffy", "farts... you gotta check. so i stick my finger in", "my pants and pull it out covered in liquid shit.", "lucky i already have water proof seat covers. and", "i had a towel close by to put under me. but now i", "have to drive, one hand with shit on it, to a", "discreet bathroom.", "the partly good thing about living in a car is", "i'm accustom to getting cleaned up in random", "bathrooms, and i have it all with me. the bad", "part is no parking near this bathroom. so, i have", "to walk 100 ft in front of 6 cars worth of people", "in the park... trying to hold my backpack", "awkwardly over my shame. finish my liquid shit in", "the port o john. and break out the wet wipes..." ]

[ 0, 0.03588241376079289, 0, 0.00635631326789871, 0.19489486418659913, 0, 0.01412281586864139, 0, 0, 0.023749729440524454, 0.19489486418659913, 0.47597855583828663, 0.023749729440524454, 0.00635631326789871, 0.023749729440524454, 0.01412281586864139, 0.19489486418659913, 1, 0.023749729440524454, 0, 0.01412281586864139, 0, 0, 0, 0.01412281586864139, 0.01412281586864139, 0, 0.03588241376079289, 0.28193325761712534, 0 ]

[ "this happened a few weeks ago. i was in fred meyer", "and got the urge to poop. it was going to be a", "good one, i had steak the night before and hadn't", "pooped yet, and ate french toast the morning", "after, with a giant five guys burger for lunch.", "it was gonna be a thick loaf, and i was looking", "forward to dropping this monster and coming out", "10 pounds lighter. i found a stall, sat down, and", "did my business. this thing didn't just plop down", "into the bowl...it smacked the porcelain with an", "audible thud. it felt like it was 2 feet long,", "came out in a nice steady rate, and felt pretty", "wide. i was proud of this thing and i hadn't even", "seen it yet. i wiped, checked the paper...clean!", "amazing! it was the kind of turd men dream of.", "so, i stood up and turned around to marvel at my", "creation. i bent down to inspect it closer,", "because this was truly historical and i though it", "would be funny to take a pic and send it to my", "brother. he had sent me a pretty gross pic of the", "aftermath of a chinese buffet, so i wanted to", "show him how a real man digested his food and", "packaged his waste. as i bent down to take a", "picture of this redwood log, the automatic", "flusher activated. the log was so massive, and", "the flusher so powerful, that the spray didn't", "have enough force to shove it down the toilet", "hole, and instead had the effect of turning a", "spoon upside down under a running faucet. i", "jerked back, but alas, my reflexes were not fast", "enough. like something out of a movie, a drop of", "toilet water sailed out of the bowl and landed", "directly in my right eye, along with another drop", "that landed on my lip. naturally, i freaked out.", "i turned and tried to run to the sink, but i had", "my eyes squeezed shut, and i couldn't find the", "latch to open the door. i slammed my shoulder", "into the stall a few times in panic but it didn't", "open. finally it opened, and i waddled/hopped to", "the sink, spitting out in a constant stream of", "air to try and force the drop off my lip and any", "residue or germs it may have had on it. i sounded", "like an angry daffy duck. now, this must have", "sounded terrifying, with the spitting and the", "banging into the door, because this little kid in", "the stall next to me started whimpering and", "crying, and then began to full out wail. i'm", "trying to wash off the poopy water from my lip", "and rinse out my eye in the sink and this kid", "just won't stop wailing, damn near screaming.", "then, i hear the men's room door creak open and a", "woman's voice calls out, \"aiden? aiden what's", "wrong?\" the dumb kid didn't answer and just kept", "wailing. so his mom bursts into the men's room,", "looks at me with my pants down to my ankles (my", "underwear was pulled up thank god) bent over", "washing my face in the sink, and yells out loudly", "\"what did you do!? aiden???\" i had removed my", "poopy contact at this point and could hardly see,", "the mom runs over to the bathroom stall her kid", "is crying in, tells him to crawl under the door", "(did he even wipe?) and drags him out before he", "can even crawl out. she runs out of the bathroom", "with him still wailing, he was probably 6 or 7", "years old but i wanted to punch him for being", "such a little wimp and for being named aiden. by", "now i'm positive she said something to the", "manager or the employees because she seemed like", "a \"let me see your manager\" type of mother. so,", "with head down, one contact in, and pants now", "pulled up, i rushed out of the men's room and bee", "lined to the door. felt like everyone was staring", "at me because i made some little kid cry in the", "bathroom doing who knows what." ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0056196176507933545, 0, 0, 0.010919016050617696, 0, 0.9450507878341041, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.038651132186182616, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0.00013607751931358795, 0.011358594350022441, 0, 0, 0.11655225615528725, 0.3687918054251409, 0.22375840561056576, 0.5032210955181519, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.05896140463088408, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.005259133631062127, 0, 0.03946301560432183, 0, 0.3952958194484923, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.17829618047460696, 0, 0, 0.05473836839227415, 0, 0, 0.4401151971377573, 0.13274681879296588, 0.16599472069809101, 0.370648073541495, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.06929947837547841, 0.25357057190227944, 0, 0.4469519766128435, 0 ]

[ "literally happened about an hour and a half ago. i", "was taking my usual hot n steamy shower, just the", "way i like em. started feeling kind of lethargic,", "but whatever, i've been up since before 7am so of", "course i was tired.", "i get out, dry off, plop myself in front of my", "full-body mirror to have a go at my recently", "pierced nose piercing since i've been trying to", "get a hoop in rather than the stud that's been", "chillin' in there since i got it pierced back in", "may.", "after 5 minutes of screwing with it, i took the", "hoop out after multiple attempts. by now my nose", "is pretty sore and its bleeding a bit out of the", "piercing. i grab the stud and start poking it", "through. it slides into the first, outer hole", "with ease. the 'exit' hole inside of my nose", "though was proving to be tricky. after some", "fiddling around, i get aggressive and push the", "piercing hard. eyes watered up, it hurt like a", "bitch, but i got it through.", "now's where the \"fu\" begins - i don't know if it", "was the immense burst of pain from my nose or the", "scorching hot shower but i started seeing stars.", "logically, i decide to stand up and gtfo of", "there. well i guess i stood up way too fast", "because my blood pressure must have tanked at", "that point. my vision was gettin reaaaal fuzzy", "and black now and my head started feeling kind of", "\"buzzy\", legs wobbly. mom's spaghett- sorry.", "anywho, honestly the fu was just that. i didn't", "actually make it to pass-out stage since i just", "immediately threw myself down on my bed and the", "\"buzziness\" / fuzzy vision faded away as quickly", "as it came." ]

[ 0.17425453127819612, 0.2730581280321546, 0, 0, 0, 0.2683115861001202, 0.1664328685602689, 0.35355472083374867, 0.14072119936222782, 0.2744525190197803, 0, 0, 0.7028821061175488, 0.16282708677652358, 0.4046170186697647, 0, 0.3141532065020275, 0, 0, 0.18506787080735498, 0, 0, 1, 0.32203394016602693, 0, 0, 0.0020512126263417018, 0.0042875551794820934, 0.017071801962561837, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0 ]

[ "mandatory didn't happen today, was three days ago.", "so, three days ago a friend of mine (more like a", "fwb to be honest) was dead set on us going", "clubbing. there was a party with dj's we knew in", "a club we usually go to so i thought why the hell", "not! i was on the last day of my period and with", "my mooncup i thought i would be a-ok.", "the night progressed to us taking half a blotter", "of lsd each. however, this was some really", "intense stuff. i was tripping hard by the time we", "got home with some friends we picked up at the", "club. we we're enjoying music and chilling at my", "apartment but since i knew sexy times were", "a-waiting i thought it'd be a good idea to remove", "my mooncup. as i was on the last day of my period", "-i don't usually bleed out much anyway- i", "certainly didn't expect a full cup to be waiting", "for me, which then somehow slipped in my hand as", "i was taking it out **covering the entire", "bathroom floor with blood.**", "at least that's what it looked like when i was", "tripping. there was blood on the shower curtain,", "on my thighs, on the floor, maybe even in the cat", "litter box...", "so then i had to proceed with cleaning up the", "entire bathroom while tripping on high quality", "acid. i have no idea how much time it took for me", "to make sure there was no evidence of my fuck up,", "i was sweating profusely and was just *hoping* no", "one had noticed how much time i ended up spending", "in the bathroom. at least no one asked any", "questions, so i'm guessing they never even", "noticed i was gone...", "and sexy times still happened! so yay for that. i", "guess there's no morale to this story other than", "be careful when you do things while high?" ]

[ 0.006524842001632622, 0, 0.016143884621001605, 0.030459416686619393, 0.021492809256465878, 0.2600658179604066, 0.2726215260547857, 0.04723543462052886, 0.06498739936171437, 0.03535145729948889, 0.09971848813444797, 0.03336263251493925, 0, 0.010944919117641125, 0.23313057165383008, 0, 0.016754354845401335, 0.021724342335983172, 0.4033994418668181, 1, 0, 0.1417530870522473, 0.10876072872393647, 0, 0.2039464474410501, 0.48785997220119137, 0, 0.08245304368930786, 0.006460858765605716, 0.2403693727492999, 0.03827774129771495, 0, 0.07751592798058993, 0, 0.01685619773808878, 0.2675871931870533 ]

[ "a little backstory: i've got pretty severe", "keratosis pilaris on my legs, shaving pretty much", "scrapes off a bit of my skin. but, it been crazy", "hot lately and i decided that it would be a", "cooler with hairless legs.", "so, my fuck up; i shaved and had a couple of", "wounds. after bleeding a little i decided to use", "one of my homemade scrubs.", "i love this one, i usually make it with sugar,", "coconut oil, coffee grounds and cinnamon. makes", "me smell like a cup of coffee.", "so i'm happily scrubbing away, my cat sitting", "next to me keeping me company. i started to", "realize my legs were burning with pain. it's then", "i remember i used salt instead of sugar in that", "scrub. stung like a goddamn bitch, started crying", "while trying to rinse off that shit that was", "caked on because of the coconut oil.", "i'm pretty sure i traumatized my cat with my", "screaming." ]

[ 0, 1, 0, 0, 0.38587499734481245, 0.6124999997246323, 0, 0.2834710708441397, 0, 0, 0, 0.09687499767388409, 0, 0.844796295872083, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.09687499767388409, 0 ]

[ "when i was 8 years old, i was over at my grandma's", "due to summer break. now, my grandma lives next", "to a family that has like 5 kids, two of them", "which are twins are my friends. at the time, they", "were 13 or something. we were hanging out with", "another friend who lives around that area, who is", "one year older than me. here's where shit starts", "to go downhill. they suggest we go knock down", "mangoes at a nearby place there is. i tell them", "i'm going (even though my mom always told me not", "to), they trying to be responsible (which they", "never are), said no. me, being a stubborn little", "prick decided to follow them anyways. sooo...", "they fucking booked it (i get tired while running", "sometimes, and there are rocks in the pathway", "which makes this harder) they decided to hide in", "a bush farther in the path (note: the place where", "my grandma leaves is just kind of a really long", "pathway, with the houses and some places in", "between). i eventually find them, so they just", "fucking run. i decide i had enough of that shit,", "and start speeding towards them. eventually, i", "grab on to one of their shirts, and we're", "eventually at the place we we're going to. they", "tell me to watch from a distance. buuut, this", "being the middle of the caribbean, standing out", "in the hot sun, in the middle of the summer, i", "decide \"fuck it, what could go wrong\", i slowly", "make my way to the start of the shade without", "stepping on pig shit. at this point my friends", "are already throwing rocks at the mango tree. i", "watch from a safe distance, and then i fucked", "up... big time. i got closer to watch more", "clearly from what i thought was a safe distance.", "i was wrong. a few seconds later, my friend who", "is one year older thows a rock at the tree. it", "gets stuck there, something which i have not", "noticed. then, as i'm talking to one of the guys,", "a rock hits me in the head. followed by", "excruciating pain. i start screaming as if saw", "someone get murdered, the screaming then turned", "into crying. that's when i saw blood pouring down", "my face. my friends rushed me over to the main", "path, entered one of my mom's friends houses, and", "the woman helped me wash my face and put a wet", "cloth on my head. we left the place, while i was", "still crying. i remember crying \"mommy, i want my", "mommy\". my mom then heard me, thought i got into", "a fight, and then saw what was actually going on.", "my mom washed my head, we got a ride from the", "uncle of the friend who hit me. i remember", "thinking \"this hurts so fucking bad, i'm gonna", "fucking die\", we went to a hospital (which, by", "the way i stopped crying on the way there) i", "ended up getting 3 stitches, while my mom", "couldn't watch cause she has a weak stomach. my", "dad wasn't there, though he was coming later. i", "had something to explain to him later. needless", "to say, i have a kinda visible bald spot in the", "center of my head now. i still kept going there", "with my friends every now and then though, but we", "haven't gone to knock down mangoes ever since." ]

[ 0.01503438419332038, 0.16055818202628824, 0, 0.7859726088474924, 0.10536250010979742, 0, 0, 0.0658377167901773, 0, 0.662167389302174, 0.21779590720631223, 0, 0.18847531819217106, 0, 0.13569020250118774, 0.04437793507497814, 0, 0.008941645451621226, 0.8575555492378002, 0, 0, 0.18764175715899464, 0.8073292712810706, 0.05879265324439109, 0.02823665366607157, 0, 0, 0, 0.2520122120798748, 0.61340558139307, 0, 0.0574781226141073, 0.05614078738251789, 0, 0.009305132722128668, 0, 0, 0.014085256273606303, 0.0679237035497532, 0, 0, 0, 0.6690328115315877, 0.608808032103246, 0.24187207185043147, 0.9841890955218565, 0.1054630792749369, 0.7088229290602714, 0.5499318500168978, 0.9284121611389391, 0, 0, 0.015303591496616418, 0.24144865307583108, 1, 0.016628752953409525, 0, 0.1690390544936756, 0.01327700403007481, 0.6921285871777213, 0.7239862012774904, 0.12498047294944782 ]

[ "this happened last saturday. i have a 19 year old", "nephew who stays with me in colorado to go to", "school because his parents (my cheap brother and", "his wife) are too cheap to pay for his own", "apartment. it takes a toll out of my finances", "because he eats so much and drinks so much water", "that he leaves empty cups around and it pisses me", "off. things are never ***just*** ***right*** with", "this kid.", "with that being said, my nephew is actually", "loaded with cash but is very conservative. but", "that didn't stop him from buying a new fast", "computer with a virtual reality headset.", "sometimes when he's gone for school, i just use", "his computer to watch porn because my wife isn't", "***just*** ***right*** and my computer can't even", "open more than 1 tab without dying: both of those", "frustrate me. i let out my frustration by", "watching extreme crisp quality porn using his vr", "headset and i must say it is fucking amazing.", "however, this is how the fuck up happens. on last", "saturday, i came home from costco with steak to", "eat during the mayweather vs. mcgregor fight.", "before i take my time with the steak, i went to", "watch some vr porn while my nephew was going to", "be at a friend's house watching the same", "mayweather vs. mcgregor fight but with his", "friends. the coast is clear. i put on the headset", "and basked in the glory of today's technologies", "and titties. i was going to cum. i went one", "stroke too far and hit the point of no return too", "fast. i could not see where i was going to aim my", "fluids so i panicked and grabbed anything on the", "desk to deflect the shot. a water bottle. i was", "struggling until i realized it was already open", "and quickly blew my load into the bottle. for", "some reason, after clearing out of incognito mode", "and turning off the computer, i forgot about the", "water bottle and went to go marinate the steak.", "a few days go by without me realizing the water", "bottle has still yet been disposed. i suddenly", "come home after some errands and i smell a faint", "of cat piss on my fucking expensive carpet except", "the piss smells a bit ***off***. i suddenly", "realized that it was most likely my cum that was", "spilled on the carpet.", "i wondered to myself: \"but how?\". i realized my", "nephew most likely tried to drink it thinking it", "was water and immediately spat it out on the", "carpet not knowing what the hell he drank. i was", "definitely not going to tell him and to me he", "fucking deserved it for all the empty cups he", "left out.", "i haven't heard from him yet and i still need to", "plan my excuses to be ***just*** ***right*** so", "there's no way it could be pinned on me. it's my", "fucking carpet anyway.", "now i have to get my carpet replaced which will", "cost me about $1000 for that section of the", "house." ]

[ 0, 0.03186987643530921, 0.00013408784097387826, 0, 0.00010019785014519495, 0.01889144100333767, 0.17253330914682577, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.4671194863183281, 0, 1, 0, 0, 0.019090015839182833, 0.06707924464494619, 0, 0.000590158083294926, 0.6258076695148904, 0, 0.018594056659673043, 0.7413215602720958, 0, 0.001100138770448555, 0, 0, 0.00526873423051351, 0, 0, 0, 0.8113864742518399, 0.03704330029801854, 0, 0, 0.005254344223155539, 0.23238930588864046, 0, 0.0007645260676050676, 0, 0.22345593842213415, 0, 0.006979539016101429, 0.6859481411033723, 0, 0, 0.2905742695629072, 0.14642589419166122, 0.35049358943966036, 0.06718621323612267, 0, 0, 0, 0.11323404223394731, 0.047196287582915074, 0.10738567367820512, 0.07321311991344144, 0 ]

[ "so this has been going on for awhile now but this", "week it all came together.", "these past few days i've been plagued by an awful", "smell in my nose. i would smell it maybe once an", "hour and it would make me gag. i've stopped and", "asked others if they smell something and the", "answer is always no. i accused my wife of bad", "breath and i made her check me for body odor in", "case i just can't recognize my own stink.", "nothing, and she didn't believe that i even", "smelled anything to begin with.", "it was so bad that the occasional wiff would make", "me want to puke or it would give me a headache.", "literally one of the worst smells i've ever", "smelled.", "today i started doing research about phantom", "smells and convinced myself that i had a face or", "brain tumor that was slowly killing me. either", "that or i was rotting on the inside and could", "smell my own death coming. i spent the evening", "contemplating how i was dying and wondering which", "doctor i could see to evaluate me.", "eventually, tonight, i went to go pee and i", "smelled it again. this awful smell that made me", "sick. i don't know what made me do this but i put", "my finger in my belly button and smelled it. i", "almost died. it was disgusting. i can't remember", "the last time i even came close to cleaning my", "belly button. i then took toilet paper and wiped", "the inside of my belly button to discover a", "sludge like substance had formed inside. i gagged", "and wondered if i'd have preferred the brain", "tumor than this embarrassment. i quickly cleaned", "out my belly button and threw the toilet paper in", "the toilet. i forgot to flush in my excitement.", "i walked out and was so relieved to have found", "the issue. my wife walked in the bathroom behind", "me to find that the odor of my soaking belly", "button waste had stunk up the bathroom. she was", "smothered in my stink. i tried to tell her i", "farted but it was so bad she said i had to have", "sharted. it's my wife so i had to confess. she", "looked at me in awe. she didn't even know who i", "was. the grossest man alive maybe. she left the", "restroom, made me take a shower, and vowed she", "would not have sex with me until she forgot about", "the whole mess.", "i am now laying in bed alone and ashamed of my", "belly button. clean your belly button guys." ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.02130610391059053, 0.03422910485768871, 0.7445855429660477, 0.005754947773336306, 0, 0.08426383894843686, 0, 0, 0, 0.32640518140750974, 0.2262373685914874, 0.06608972904725326, 0.001019146754065668, 0.4122865784289358, 0.1734505375435874, 0.2984083840628686, 0.7384011838255249, 0, 0.5887063432136299, 0.01416344460094835, 0, 0, 0.532007649060837, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0.026564848042168392, 0.13785900654912986, 0, 0.204365676624728, 0.3167287730343907, 0.013416052135556989, 0.007198722181919293, 0, 0, 0, 0.07848037801733308, 0, 0, 0.02056700359173485, 0.6583343435603835 ]

[ "this happened earlier this morning; i do the", "usual: shit, shower and shave but this time while", "i was mid-shower when i'd just started to shave", "my you know what w/ a manual razor i realised i", "had plans to go out with a few friends in less", "than 20 mins. and here i am, standing with my", "nuts in one hand and a manual razor in another.", "thinking to myself, calculating to myself how", "much time i would need to shave everything", "(including my actual beard with another razor) in", "under 15 minutes, i soon realised that i would", "have no time to do my balls with a normal", "razor...and then i had the smartest idea: what if", "i use my old beardtrimmer on the lowest length to", "quickly trim my balls? i reached into my draw to", "grab the old beardtrimmer that i don't use", "anymore (ironically enough because it used to cut", "me when i shaved my beard.) but time is ticking.", "i have 13 minutes to shave my balls, and then", "clean up my beard with another raz-\"ahhhhhhh", "fuck!\" i screamed at the top of my lungs when the", "trimmer sliced into the bottom of my ballsack,", "with 4 deep cuts from where the biggest razors", "point out. there is a lot of blood. too much", "blood, it goes all over my legs, shower floor and", "soon enough the towel i had to throw on to go and", "grab some more toilet roll to clean up the mess.", "oh and remember how i had the gathering with some", "friends? yeah i had to apologies and give an", "accuse saying i was not feeling well today and", "when i was feeling better i would come and meet", "up with everyone again." ]

[ 0, 0.1983096846831768, 0.008979542761058182, 0.041953877005791666, 0.01635578243465035, 0.0502936576960859, 0.2077084416923941, 0.052023095207893874, 0.09055366001523343, 0.2592418819297821, 0, 0.9321612317882166, 0, 0.24218488580713735, 0.32200995489260764, 0, 0.22856952730556854, 0.15395173522047728, 1, 0.13119994524385747, 0, 0.29451115449210163, 0, 0, 0.17588964293951703, 0.14059281718601585, 0.13274009303652326, 0.015584656435641839, 0.07942501397566232, 0.02941351542385342, 0.021474763143769098, 0.028546469009878513 ]

[ "let me start by saying i don't normally work", "weekends. so, it's labor day monday and all the", "employees were asked if one person wanted to pick", "up a shift saturday and one on monday to cover", "our customers who may need service due to the", "increased traffic on the holiday weekend. there", "are two guys i work with who love the overtime", "and always do it but come to find out one of them", "said no so i figured i'd step up and help my boss", "out.", "get up early, get to work, pre-trip my truck,", "stop at the gas station to fuel up the truck and", "grab something to hold me off for the few hours", "i'll be at work. i ended up grabbing a protein", "milk shake thing (which was really good might i", "add) and a 44oz fountain poweraide.", "i only had three stops by they were all spread", "way out. so, i drink my milk shake in like 2", "minutes, it's not that big of a bottle, and i", "start sipping my drink. first stop is 45 minutes", "from the depot. get there, deliver and i need to", "piss pretty badly. it's one of those gas", "stations that you pull into, see it and say \"i'll", "chance it to the next one\". bathroom is covered", "in piss and it smells horrible so i decided to", "hold it. next stop is 40 minutes.", "despite my urge to pee, i naturally sipped my", "drink for 40 minutes because singing loudly makes", "you thirsty (duh). get to my next stop, deliver", "and by this point i really have to pee. like, my", "bladder hurts now. problem is, it's a high", "traffic location and i can't leave my truck", "unattended. well, i technically can, but i", "prefer not to. plus, it's saturday and i'm just", "trying to knock this route out and get home.", "punched in the next address and i'm 1 hour 43", "minutes away. there's no way in hell i can hold", "it that long. i start looking in the truck for a", "bottle to piss in and all i have is my 44oz,", "which i'm still drinking, and that little protein", "milk shake bottle. now, mind you, this isn't my", "first rodeo. i've pissed in a bottle quite a few", "times if i know none of my upcoming stops have", "restrooms and i really have to go and i hate", "stopping while i'm on route at like a gas", "station. i have a routine, i fill up my truck", "every morning, get my drink for the day and a", "snack and i don't stop again unless i'm", "delivering or i'm done.", "the parking lot is heavily populated so i let", "some air out of my seat to drop me down a little,", "unzip and pop my little buddy out just a tiny bit", "and let it rip. trying to look natural isn't", "easy while pissing but damn, i felt like i was", "doing a great job.", "i start to realize, shit, i had to pee more than", "i thought. i hope this bottle can hold it all.", "i'm not exaggerating when i say that not even 3", "seconds later i realized it started flowing back", "out into my lap. i panicked and stopped myself", "but i mistakenly dumped some of it on my lap when", "i tilted the bottle.", "so, now, i'm sitting there with my shorts covered", "in piss, my truck seat is wet and my last stop is", "almost 2 hours away. luckily i had a roll of", "paper towels in my truck so i started dabbing", "myself trying to dry it all while trying not to", "bring attention to the fact that from outside the", "truck it probably looks like i'm playing with", "myself.", "i ended up sticking one under me, one in my pants", "and one on my lap to try and clean myself. i", "then had to make the 2-hour drive, wet and", "feeling disgusting and smelling piss like a child", "who wet the bed and then an hour drive back to", "the depot.", "oh, and to top it off, i get back to the depot", "and the mechanic had shown up to do some pms on", "the trucks. i get out and he comes over and asks", "me to leave my keys. he then makes a funny face", "and says \"something smells like piss\" and i just", "looked around and said \"hm?\" it was shameful." ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.033430739118185525, 0, 0, 0.003578523792075106, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.15645005780890162, 0, 0.007702071221725993, 0.3858707509944878, 0, 0, 0.014673292107726131, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.12273766102724128, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.01153908684863112, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.007640035903826477, 0, 0.11162550256175195, 0, 0, 0, 0.49138191725277436, 0.32436323786006405, 0.2383138431351756, 0, 0.9373957535775667, 0.9082185374741134, 0.041312509365899586, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.14152891651420865, 0.046961623571497704, 0.36855829595127065, 0.02562183580203136, 1, 0.39491174892473635, 0, 0.3013923939050649, 0, 0, 0.2605476500432305, 0 ]

[ "full disclosure, this particular fuckup happened a", "couple of years ago before i ever browsed reddit.", "at the time it became an infamous story in my", "close circle of friends. one i had long pushed", "out of my mind until one of them reminded me", "about it a couple days ago. thought it would fit", "nicely here.", "so, after spending a typical weekend with my", "longtime girlfriend i walk her out to her car and", "she drives off back to her place. i head inside", "and beeline for the bathroom. lift up the seat,", "look down to aim, and get the shock of my life to", "see a thick and gooey discharge at the tip of my", "dick. \"what the fuck?\" i say to myself. \"is that", "leftover cum? what the hell is that?\" i wipe it", "off and more dribbles out. i head straight for", "google. web md will probably tell me its cancer,", "but i grab my laptop and go through everything. i", "brush aside all mentions of venereal diseases and", "assure myself its gotta be something else.", "the next day i call my gp and tell her its", "urgent, i have to see her. she squeezes me in for", "an appointment. i get to the office and though", "i'm nervous, i tell myself there is no way its an", "sti, it just can't be. still though, as soon as i", "start my story with the nurse she tells me what i", "fear most, its definitely gonorrhea. she starts", "asking me about my recent sexual history, how", "many partners i've had, if i've been using", "condoms, the whole deal. i tell her no way. no", "fucking way. i've only been with one girl the", "past two years and she definitely hasn't been", "with anyone else. the look she gave me said it", "all, \"you poor dumb fuck, your girlfriend is", "probably getting her brain pushed out her ears by", "sixty dudes as we speak.\" i ignore her, she", "doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about,", "she's no doctor.", "i sit there with a dumb look on my face while my", "doctor educates me about the clap. \"no big deal,\"", "she says, \"its not like you have aids, this will", "be cleared up pretty quick. we'll take your blood", "to be sure its nothing else but we've gotta give", "you a different test.\" i'm not even listening,", "i'm trying to come to terms with the reality that", "my girlfriend is the one dion warned me about.", "runaround sue gave me the fucking clap. i'm", "texting her as they lead me to another room. you", "can guess what i'm writing to her. my doctor", "motions to the table, tells me to take off my", "pants and lay down on my back. hold the fuck up.", "what was this other test? she's got the longest", "cotton swab i've ever seen in her hand and i", "finally realize where its going. fuck.", "after all these years, thats the clearest memory", "in my mind. the feeling of that dry dry cotton", "snaking its way up my dick and the twist of death", "the doctor does. two or three turns to make sure", "she's got a proper sample. fire in my urethra.", "then slowly she pulls it out. now i'm not an", "idiot, i know how catheters work and i'm hardly", "the first person to have something slid up my", "urethra, but as anyone will tell you, lube makes", "all the difference.", "so now i've got a sore dick and an angry", "girlfriend who i can't help but imagine is", "texting me about her faithfulness while she's", "probably on her knees at an orgy. doctor calls me", "two days later. \"you'll never believe it! the", "discharge was caused by the streptococcus", "bacteria. you're partner must have it and isn't", "showing symptoms, she must have...transmitted it", "to you somehow. i'm writing you a prescription", "for antibiotics. sorry, i was sure it was", "gonorrhea.\"", "no big deal doc." ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.6942798212738293, 0.003811490207440808, 0, 0.04864406207811171, 0, 0, 0, 0.007015479114310877, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.5412267133916105, 0.0803426100001097, 0, 0.6870089988531232, 0.47170505455653744, 0.011698378918050862, 0, 0, 0, 0.014462091506728923, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.1606730235391131, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.275402225186499, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0226113099639198, 0.8579451836262483, 0, 0, 0, 0.36296666633660796, 0, 0, 0.01088782685502563, 0, 0.24181381457026632, 0, 0.013879986193719326, 1, 0.2575617560165485, 0, 0, 0, 0.014185792464212844, 0, 0, 0, 0.3857741237294356, 0.6258789013063264, 0 ]

[ "obligatory this didn't happen today, it was", "technically on tuesday.", "we have this amazing ethnic grocery store in my", "town. it's like a cave of wonders, carrying", "mostly things for expats from russia and the", "caucasus, like deli meats, bread, spices and so", "on. and mineral water. i'm a huge fan of mineral", "water, and usually pick tasty, crystalline", "sparkling waters from lots of places.", "so tuesday i ‎was doing a deli round as usual,", "and i thought i'd pick up a few bottles of", "mineral water. i absent-mindedly grabbed", "something russian-looking off the shelf and went", "about my groceries.", "fast-forward to tuesday night, and my so wants to", "taste the cool russian water i got, opens a", "bottle, takes a whiff, and is instantly like: \"do", "you smell something awfully chemical?\" figuring", "my so is just a big ol' pussy and overestimating", "my mineral water experience, i grab the bottle", "and take a swig.", "jayzus. terribly bitter, salty and mostly tasted", "of /r/cringe. am i going to die? i mean that shit", "was shrimpin'!‎ it was like drinking salty", "marsh-water from the devil's armpit.", "so, quick and panicked interwebs search later, it", "turns out i accidentally bought [essentuki", "#17](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/yessentuki),", "which is a naturally salty mineral water that", "does wonders (therapeutically) for diabetes and", "liver disease.", "but wait, there's more: this miracle-cure dr. oz", "health craze water is actually *super sought", "after* by those in the know. and like all hot", "commodities, it is [sometimes", "counterfit](http://simphealth.com/en/pages/166278", "4).", "the real thing only comes in glass bottles and", "should stink the stank of rotten eggs when you", "open it. and mine doesn't.", "so what the heck do they put in fake mineral", "water to make it taste like grandma's footbath, i", "don't know, but i'm heckin worried right now,", "reddit.‎", "‎" ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.022540231167414708, 0, 0, 0, 0.17042412419340822, 0, 0, 0, 0.007999523614331549, 0, 0, 0.14199507526488278, 0, 0, 0, 0.004917878086584474, 0, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.002279493477789778, 0.0030718313486843805, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0 ]

[ "the following events actually happened today.", "for the last year or so, i have been diligently", "growing this little bump on my back. call it a", "wart, a cyst, whatever. right between my shoulder", "blades, just a little left of my spine, and", "*riiiiiight* on the threshold of the", "'can't-reach-it-without-a-friend' zone.", "it's nothing to worry about, i swear. just last", "night, after a shower, my girlfriend was giving", "me the ole \"you should really see a doctor yadda", "yadda i want you to be healthy yadda yadda\"", "spiel. i just told her, in my best", "schwarzenegger, \"it's not a tumor.\" and it most", "certainly is not. it's just this weird little", "bump under my skin, no bigger than a marble, or a", "walnut if you're using the metric system. it", "doesn't hurt or anything. i've actually grown", "quite fond of it. until today...", "i was at work, awaiting my coworker to relieve me", "from my shift around 5 o clock. he shows up, i'm", "shooting the shit with him, and casually", "scratching my own back. try to imagine this as", "appearing \"casual.\"", "right as my coworker is telling me about his", "weekend plans i feel my backbuddy^tm gurgle", "beneath my fingers and change in shape. i remove", "my hand from my work shirt and see what appears", "to be a small amount of mashed potatoes smeared", "across my fingertips. curiosity and mild", "confusion mingle upon my face until the stench", "hits.", "suddenly my coworker's weekend plans to visit his", "long-lost blahblahblah didn't seem so intriguing", "once i experienced the smell of death itself.", "perhaps you have never smelled the distinct odor", "of pus. i imagine war veterans are familiar with", "the harrowing scent. i, for one, have never", "smelled something so vile or corrosive. god, i", "can get a whiff of it right now as i type. it", "smells worse than your high school bully's", "diarrhea. it is the smell of hatred and doom.", "that smell is *pure evil*.", "immediately, i bolt for the bathroom. alarm bells", "going in my head and i'm thinking, \"it's", "happening!\" i reach the public bathroom door,", "lock it shut (thank god for singular restrooms)", "and stand in front of the mirror before i pull my", "shirt off over my head. my back, fortunately,", "does not resemble a crime scene like i'd", "expected. i decide to be a gross human being and", "squeeze my back knob to see what happens. it", "changes in shape, feels like some air bubbles are", "being released(?), and i wipe my back clean with", "some paper towels. by now the bathroom smells", "like...not my problem -- it's the end of my", "shift!", "i pull my shirt on, leave the bathroom, clock", "out, and head home. driving home was peaceful", "enough, with the windows down of course. i was", "careful not to deface the delicate upholstery of", "my vehicle with my bodily excretions.", "upon arriving home, i disrobe immediately inside", "the front door. shirt off, pants down. leave the", "socks. walk to the bathroom. look in the mirror.", "game face. i squeeze that itty-bitty protuberance", "with as much might as i can muster at this angle", "behind my back.", "*pus confetti.*", "ribbons of pus. stream all over my bathroom. the", "wall. the mirror. the fucking ceiling. my eyes", "are watering. my jaw is clenched. *everything* is", "clenched. the bump is literally making tiny", "squeaking sounds as i squeeze it mightily. it may", "have been screams. i'm not kidding. i'm", "salivating like a hungry animal who digs the pain", "for some reason. the smell is offending my", "ancestors. and at this point i'm fairly certain", "my girlfriend is going to leave me once she sees/", "smells this biological catastrophe.", "i jump into the hottest shower i have ever taken.", "i need to grieve. my relationship is dead, for", "certain. my backbuddy^tm is vanquished. i don't", "really know what to do.", "upon exiting the shower, i see i have a text", "waiting from me on my phone. it's from my boss.", "\"this is embarrassing, but plz explain to me what", "happened in the company restroom before u left", "today. customers have complained about the", "smell.\"", "with this picture attached:", "http://imgur.com/a/gwjsa", "edit: still waiting for the girlfriend to come", "home. the smell lingers like a ghost and seems to", "follow me around the house, no matter how many", "candles i've lit. maybe it's in my nose forever.", "dear god.", "edit2: i still don't know what to tell my boss.", "do i deny it was me? do i explain myself? god he", "must be imagining the absolute worst. am i going", "to lose my job holy shit", "edit3: still have my job, hallelujah. i feigned", "ignorance to my boss and then snuck a bottle of", "industrial bleach and a box of gloves into the", "restroom first thing the next morning. badda bing", "badda boom. what bodily fluids? to clarify: i was", "not initially aware i had left a mess in a public", "place. i would never intentionally expose", "innocent people to my bodily sin, don't be", "ridiculous. my fuck-up resides in these simple", "factors: (1) it was the end of my shift and i was", "rushing to leave, (2) i was probably in a state", "of mild shock tbh, and (3) i never would have", "thought to check for back shrapnel on *the", "opposite wall of the restroom*. in fact, i wasn't", "even aware i was capable of that feat until i", "destroyed our nice bathroom at home.", "speaking of which, my girlfriend still loves me.", "she's thoroughly disturbed by the way i", "anonymously read my own post to her, as if this", "shit *didn't* go down right in her nice clean", "bathroom. but she quickly caught on and had a", "good laugh. turns out she still has that gag", "reflex after all.", "edit4: apparently some of you are concerned about", "the timeline of this event. /r/tifu has rules", "about submitting posts involving bodily emissions", "during the week. so i resubmitted over the", "weekend. simple copy-paste jobbie. my bad.", "edit5: and another thing. i'm aware this was a", "gross story. yes, op is disgusting. thank you.", "but if i can't make some of you internet fuckers", "lose your appetites then what can i do?? you're", "welcome." ]

[ 0, 0, 0.3832546316512518, 0.19549020056758853, 0.09431451743603211, 0.13404166589973215, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.08329737143058606, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.020091770330955577, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.019324174832930113, 0.03889523121735301, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.00400197267554036, 0, 0.011262993755755584, 0, 0.011630403904605313, 0, 0, 0.25599691276029135, 0, 0.0031917945742313087, 0.11324301717376566, 0, 0.04147506619101633, 0.05594698354863696, 0, 0, 0.11788887978118248, 0.15744002425827297, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0031128023969236632, 0, 0, 0.12905801916374643, 0.08648453284070622, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.14523742881768267, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.023607917895224793, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0704733111621717, 0.09829554395652354, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.08870574283423503, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.21989425243536231, 0, 0, 0.08108573173976724, 0, 0.059752683976866006, 0, 0, 0, 0.011403346283201289, 0, 0.003307407920633146, 0, 0, 0, 0 ]

[ "this fuck up happened when i was in the fifth", "grade.", "evs is environmental science and is basically", "science + social studies. my evs teacher assigned", "us a class project for some alternative forms of", "medicine class unit. we were to make a simple", "facial cream, and the teacher basically wanted to", "see what sort of stupid shit the students would", "come up with. my two partners were just as", "useless as i was, and we dicked around until the", "day before submission.", "the night before, none of us had done shit.", "somehow, the task landed on me and i was forced", "to half-ass the facial cream. i went into the", "kitchen and took an assortment of ingredients. i", "don't remember all the things we put in there,", "but i do know that the final concoction contained", "coriander seeds, lemon juice and an unknown", "quantity of mint. i mixed it up earnestly and", "added water until i was left with an icky green", "mixture. it was smooth-ish to feel, and it didn't", "resemble facial cream of any kind, but it was too", "late to try anything else. i poured the cream", "into a small bottle and packed it in my bag.", "my evs class was right before lunch and our", "teacher went around the class, half-heartedly", "examining each bottle before moving on.", "before she reached our table, unbeknownst to me,", "somebody shook the bottle. she came up to our", "table, examined the bottle, almost with a sense", "of foreboding. she put her binder down and opened", "the bottle.", "***boom.***", "that sound may be an exaggeration, but the effect", "certainly wasn't. the green shit shot upwards", "from the bottle and stained everything in sight,", "including the teacher's white blouse and the", "ceiling. the whole class erupted along with the", "cream, and it was at that moment that i knew that", "i had truly fucked up." ]

[ 0.07574640279759573, 0, 0.00884463220906666, 0.016244595470152674, 0.2668409865678134, 0.6213191540314692, 1, 0.029967169084520174, 0, 0.022733344056052596, 0, 0.2958126540605669, 0.015880544227966385, 0.5114307639138103, 0.11152001981444318, 0.0001385233086830771, 0, 0.008187149635060722, 0.10866855099701758, 0, 0.05282984882593848, 0.4286456946110719, 0.10944307151612555, 0.2677516222437964, 0.0001385233086830771, 0.1934876771505235, 0.026680450801487968, 0.1422635009021545, 0.3166219775765067, 0.18325302015998315, 0.3328626323994901, 0.2051538315416649, 0, 0, 0.10125817406357814, 0.18224246057342966, 0.05784861329407884, 0.008107998915517825, 0.05605842736191747, 0.1131061802876959 ]

[ "so to set the scene, i work in bank (i'm a", "telephony operator) where the only other", "building nearby is a tesco which fortunately is", "right next door, i shop there nearly everyday", "getting my lunch and what not, i also know the", "security guard who works there by name as we used", "to work together.", "anyhow so i'm on my lunch break and i'm at the", "self service till putting all my stuff through", "and it's more than my usual shop, as i need to", "get some back to school stuff, so i have to put", "my card in the machine to enter my pin, after", "putting the items in my backpack (certainly not", "buying any 5p bags) i walk out and get back to", "work. i go to check my pocket as i'm entering the", "foyer to where i work and i notice my card isn't", "in there so i immediately take a brisk walk back", "to tesco and whilst walking through the entrance", "i see one of the staff members holding my card", "and giving it to customer services so i", "immediately say \"i'm pretty sure that's my card\",", "at this point only a couple of minute have", "elapsed since i had bought my shopping and walked", "back into the store.", "i was asked for id so i show my badge for my work", "as they know us quite well, it has my name, a", "photo of me, the banks logo and it's on a plastic", "card so not some cheap print out; i also show my", "receipt showing the last 4 digits and all the", "items i just bought and also say that i can show", "her my online banking app. the customer services", "lady advised me that this wasn't good enough and", "that i would need either a driving license or a", "passport, both of which i don't have, so i say to", "the lady \"i don't drive and i can't afford a", "holiday so i don't have a passport, but i know", "someone who works here and they know me by name,", "i still need to buy school stuff for monday,", "c'mon surely that's good enough?\" with that she", "drops it in the lost and found bag, looks up at", "me and says to me \"i'm reallllly sorrrrry but i", "can'ttttt, it's our policyyyyyy\".", "i start physically shaking as i feel my british", "sensibilities leaving me, so in the politest way", "possible without raising my voice i tell her \"you", "are being fucking ridiculous, there's no way in", "the space of a couple of minutes i've robbed", "someone called melk0r87 and his receipt, printed", "my face on his badge and bribed someone in your", "store to tell you i'm melk0r fucking 87\" and then", "i walked out, i was buzzing for hours after that", "as i've never gone off at someone before.", "so that was yesterday and here i am today stuck", "at work from 8-5 so i can't go into an actual", "bank to withdraw money to get the last of the", "back to school things for monday.", "also i do regret going off at the lady but the", "security guy and i used to work in a different", "grocery retailer prior to this and no way would", "we have not given the card." ]

[ 0.0004280629225640602, 0, 0, 0.0005532425289715652, 0.004858620057781059, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.06308246121296347, 0.19131842040152547, 0.21312978638309726, 0.04844609705423518, 0.05110512984177665, 0, 0.1334851452179976, 0.03893714596124741, 0, 0.2167560754447254, 0.1075013633724103, 0.1284839210848554, 0.08222155192264406, 0.008627738028720897, 0.15040080584330595, 0, 0.09124380962364172, 0, 0.007795374580366208, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.27944957904536455, 0, 0, 0.1534001677514222, 0, 0.06281449869729443, 0, 0, 0.07520816839173597, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0, 0.023986233166980862, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.030864867227222405, 0.24617987060249222, 0.3586385967198554, 0, 0.2322757350182962, 0, 0 ]

[ "this happened two days back. i have recently", "started hitting the gym. i am in college and", "living in a dorm, so the best source of protein", "for me is a protein powder.", "let me rewind to last friday, when i did my", "normal routine at the gym, came back to my room", "and had my protein shake. the procrastinator in", "me forgets to wash the shaker and i just leave it", "on the table. monday and wednesday go by and i", "don't go to the gym because i am drowning with", "assignments. i have forgotten all about that", "shaker.", "i come back to my room on thursday night and when", "i open the door a pungent ammonia-like smell", "fills my nostrils. i look around and try to find", "an explanation. i see the protein shaker lid on", "the floor. my jaw drops to the floor.", "the protein must have decomposed inside while the", "lid was shut tightly causing ammonia to build up.", "eventually, the pressure must have become too", "much for the shaker to hold which resulted in the", "lid being blown off. (that's why i have decided", "to switch to a shaker with screw on lid instead", "of the kind that gets sealed by pressing it into", "place. i trust myself to have another tifu", "moment.)", "now the ammonia smell is in all my clothes, in my", "electronics, and in my room. i cleaned everything", "to the best of my ability, left the electronics", "in the sun for a bit (mom's advice) and had to", "wash all the clothes that were outside the", "wardrobe.", "----------" ]

[ 0.09126647953054544, 0.056909501365364726, 0.07277203271636014, 0, 0.010394001672428887, 0.07982464432498192, 0.6557356562557957, 0.7752405886220564, 0.0458739570016204, 0.0570739929703926, 0, 0.14194398667597521, 0.0516817771752154, 0.0025808741514305113, 0.06364887517703591, 0.04220385107793305, 0.07412421684126214, 0.08668566045313071, 1, 0, 0.09465279675929597, 0.0821854563505988, 0.18633774061530334, 0.07761930885791328, 0, 0, 0.08755379950953146, 0.5120372321972451, 0.12615502009645352, 0.022161562416405593, 0.024087992738968087, 0, 0 ]

[ "so that didnt actually happen today but like two", "years back.", "me and my ex were having a long distance", "relationship, and after a few months we decided", "she would introduce me to her parents with me", "staying for 4 days at their place. so i hop on", "the train and get there to meet her mum .", "everything goes well, we have a little small talk", "etc, get along pretty well. after 1 or 2 hours at", "their place me and my ex decide to go to the city", "to hang out and have some time on our own. so we", "go shopping and i get some chinese take away.", "fast forward to us coming home to a fully stacked", "dining table with tons of food, and her mum and", "dad sitting there waiting for us. we sit down, me", "not being hungry at all because of the takeaway i", "had like 2 hours ago. however, not wanting to be", "rude i devour the entire plate (which was already", "pretty loaded) and get a second serving.", "evening comes and i feel a giant shit coming up.", "however her parents were at home all the time and", "it was a tiny flat with the toilet being located", "in the only bathroom. also, the walls were pretty", "thin. i think to myself: \"just wait for tomorrow", "morning, they might be gone by then to do some", "grocery shopping or whatever, so you can take a", "relaxed shit\". but they don't leave, probably", "because they didn't want us to have sex in the", "room next to them. each meal keeps getting more,", "and mum starts going like \"wow, you are very", "hungry, you keep eating so much\" and i'm just", "like \"mrs. ex-gf's mum your food is just so good", "i love it\". obviously mum loves the compliments", "and keeps cooking more and more. i still haven't", "taken a shit at this point.", "fast forward to day 4, the last day, i wake up,", "and i feel the need to throw up so badly. i try", "to play it cool and continue sleeping, but it", "doesn't work. i hear one of her parents taking a", "shower in the bathroom, and the urge to throw up", "increases to infinity. i'm starting to gag and", "throw up onto the carpet of my ex-gf's room which", "wakes her up. she gives me a look i can't really", "describe, a mixture of shock and wonder, gets up", "and gets her mum out of the bathroom. i rush in,", "don't make it in time and throw up all over the", "bathroom. at the same time, i so desperately need", "to shit i just sit down in parts of my vomit and", "take the biggest shit in the history of mankind.", "pure relief. after cleaning everything for an", "hour straight i get out of the room, only to find", "her parents left because the smell of puke and", "shit was all over the flat. my ex tells me her", "mum thinks it was her fault because of some food", "poisoning(which wasn't the case, i just ate too", "much without taking a shit) by her and she feels", "resentful and disrespected. they never talked to", "me again after this fuck up.", "english is not my mothertounge, so please don't", "be too harsh with spelling or grammar mistakes." ]

[ 0, 0, 0.05752681597565845, 0.00851150683584821, 0.030755928598205317, 0, 0.03150490914466412, 0, 0, 0.19697851330192026, 0, 0.0076937270637985975, 0, 0, 0, 0.007043246303871757, 0.2196771153512499, 0, 0.016843766680097454, 0.021343626290919508, 0.06579661543733446, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.27769363702280303, 0, 0.03935966697342397, 0, 0, 0.011968443079655182, 0, 0, 0, 0.5558116890091397, 0, 0.033971416238365464, 0.02293517071842229, 0, 0.1832024672395183, 0.022279233727778482, 0, 0, 0.034786357194189696, 0.013046626547372374, 0.4231708022372603, 0.16357574396310617, 0.027034405060523892, 0.04368499885023485, 0, 0, 0, 0.6052489378098342, 1, 0, 0.13492919152243488, 0.1481254996623474, 0.6170373324254663, 0.10795608364780533, 0 ]

[ "obligatory this happened about 7 years ago. burner", "account in case this 'crime' is still an open", "case for some reason.", "living with friends i'd met at university, we", "used to put on themed house parties. we'd spend", "weeks handmaking decorations to fit the theme.", "one such theme was seven deadly sins. each room", "in the house was decorated for a sin, ballpit and", "bean bags in the sloth room, pictures of opulent", "luxury for greed and so on.", "we decided that a deadly sins party wouldn't be", "complete without a reference to the film seven,", "so we decided to create a head in a box. attempts", "to papier mache a head did not go well, so we", "decided on a different method. rather than a fake", "human head, perhaps we could use a real animal", "head. a duscussion with a local butcher followed,", "who agreed to provide us with a pig's head, while", "a local fishmonger was persuaded to sell us a", "shark's head they were using for display. was it", "still a seven reference now we were using animal", "heads? probably not, but who cares? we have a", "shark head to display for the party. that's", "unique if nothing else. the heads went in the", "freezer ready for the party.", "party went off without a hitch. it would be an", "exaggeration to call the heads a hit, but they", "certainly elicited the \"wtf\" response we were", "looking for. a highlight was one of our guests", "poking at the shark head and asking what it was", "made of, then recoiling in horror at finding out", "it was real.", "a few hours into the party the stench of the", "rapidly defrosting shark's head was becoming", "unbearable. i threw it into a bin bag and walked", "with it two minutes up the road, where mcdonald's", "was, crucially with accessible dumpster bins at", "the rear. i ditched the head and returned to the", "party.", "the day after the party we had a large scale", "clean up. with the shark head already gone, we", "were simply left with the question of what to do", "with the pig head. we already had overflowing", "bins, and we wanted rid of the head before it too", "became a smell issue. mcdonald's was out of the", "question, as it was now open for business, we'd", "never be able to dump it unseen as i had done", "with the shark head the night before. we came to", "the decision that we'd take a quick drive", "somewhere quiet, find houses with their bins", "outside, and ditch it in one of those.", "we found a suitable place, and by virtue of his", "position in the car, nominated one of us to ditch", "the head. we'll call him larry. larry had a habit", "of doing rather foolish things. true to form, he", "steps out of the car, takes a few steps in the", "wrong direction, realises he can't see the bin we", "intended him to drop the head in, and in a moment", "of panic swings the bag and tosses over the", "hedge. into somebody's front garden. he climbs", "back in the car and we drive away, berating larry", "for his idiocy, and chuckling about how the", "homeowner would react when they found the head.", "i'm sure most of you have already seen where this", "is going, but for the rest of you, here's the key", "piece of information that, at the time, we didn't", "consider. the area we had driven to was one with", "a large population of orthodox jews.", "this fact came to our attention a few days later,", "when we read a story in the local paper (or", "possibly the student paper, i don't remember)", "about a jewish family who had found a pig head in", "their garden in a suspected antisemitic hate", "crime.", "cue several weeks of being on edge about whether", "the head would be traced back to us, and whether", "our story would be believed if it was. thankfully", "never heard anything about it again. i just", "really hope the family concerned didn't take it", "too seriously." ]

[ 0, 0.22674026212048018, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.03761382875603959, 0, 0, 0.02532234566992455, 0, 0.7661776976199346, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.006479472634387722, 0.11124290587661252, 0, 0, 0.03744556456721072, 0, 0.14687506331831635, 0.3876791586868533, 0, 0, 0, 0.1366569930661574, 0, 0.29566088506362914, 0.024317398534652826, 0.08767282155743314, 0, 0, 0.005800012295714954, 0, 0.3397684819603441, 0.019646252551771624, 0, 0, 0.36393754173042614, 0, 0, 0.23180679892956785, 0.006436899138509468, 0, 0, 0, 0.14500821647721182, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.11866572379283695, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.030066746990115054, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0.6931407166118582, 0.40761969809513104, 0, 0, 0.17058561358711288, 0, 0, 0 ]

[ "so quick context, i'm a relatively inexperienced", "driver. licensed for about 3 months, and had a", "permit for less than a year. i went on a road", "trip recently, where i drove a prius, which was a", "complete shift in what i'm used to. the car is", "completely electric, and if you do something", "wrong like starting it without the brakes on, it", "gets pissy.", "so anyway. fast forward to today, 6am, i wake up", "early cuz i gotta finish packing my parents' car", "because they're dropping me off at college. i get", "downstairs, and my dads car (the one i'm supposed", "to take) is parked two parking spots away.", "fortunately, my moms car is right by the house,", "me being me; lazy and tired, i decide to switch", "the two cars.", "so i get in my moms car, (a lexus) push the", "button to turn it on, put my foot on the brakes,", "switch the shift into drive... and then all of a", "sudden it starts going forward. i freak out", "because about 3 meters forward is another car. i", "try slamming the brakes, and they just don't", "work. end bumping into the other car. now i don't", "know what to do. i try shifting into reverse, and", "it does nothing. the brakes aren't responsive,", "and the car isn't budging. so i shift it back", "into park, and turn it off.", "it was then that it hit me. i got so used to the", "prius, which you can turn on without having the", "brakes on. in my dumb autopilot mode, i hadn't", "noticed that the brakes weren't engaged in the", "lexus, and i just went into drive which let the", "car off.", "luckily for me, my moms cars front bumper is", "already fucked up, and the person whose car i hit", "has a bumper bully. it wasn't too hard of a hit,", "and my broke college ass decided to back away", "slowly and go \"this never happened.\" i proceeded", "to repark the cars and everything.", "expect a tifu post in like 2 days either:", "\"tifu by getting myself arrested for a hit and", "run\"", "or", "\"tifu by hitting a redditors car while they", "weren't in it, and then posting about it on", "reddit.\"", "that's about all folks." ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0.08532360949183873, 0.6248371591914835, 0, 0.37875798184620196, 0, 0.2917593439541786, 0.20162729700555274, 0, 0.19465827712504952, 0, 0.03369705246350711, 0, 0, 0.06582358575675151, 0.31510101041683225, 0, 0.0314536500316521, 0.08123305614103626, 0.1734022208128749, 0, 0, 0.17410562416313727, 0.04535061520242057, 0.02744407194421884, 1, 0.03881071129569954, 0.6168212684377605, 0.19442056768631763, 0, 0.11106246269534945, 0, 0.3056772043701061, 0, 0.02967135306444587, 0, 0.09594876607020862, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.5940654376982804, 0, 0 ]

[ "being the lazy shit i am, i decided that making", "coffee took too much time in the morning, and i", "needed to find a better way to find my caffeine", "fix. after a little research, i came to the", "conclusion that munching on coffee beans was a", "good alternative. i went to the store and bought", "a bag of beans, excited to go to work the next", "day and not worry about making coffee.", "i get to work, pull out my bag of beans and go to", "town. they tasted pretty good, and kept me", "caffeinated (i think, i can barely tell anymore).", "pleased with myself, i snacked on them", "throughout the day.", "this continued for a few weeks, and i was pretty", "happy. then, one saturday, i decide to throw", "some of the beans into a blender with some peanut", "butter and other shit to make a smoothie.", "delicious. a few hours later, i get a pretty", "mild stomach ache. thinking nothing of it, i", "brush it off. later that night, i feel a", "rumbling in my rectum.", "i sit down to take a shit, and nothing comes out.", "i can tell it wants to, it just can't. my colon", "had seized up like a rock. i guess when i made", "my shitty smoothie, the blender couldn't grind", "the coffee beans as fine as i was able to with my", "teeth, and the resulting chunks had sucked all", "the moisture from my poo. no worries, i can push", "through this.", "if only. as i used all my strength to push, i", "was hit with a wall of pain. these chunks of", "coffee had not only dried out my shit, they were", "tearing up my asshole. imagine if someone had", "shoved half dried asphalt concrete up your", "backside, and you had no choice but to shit it", "out. that's the closest thing i can compare it", "to. the pain was unreal.", "a little note about the bathroom i was using:", "the main bathroom was under remodel, so i had to", "use the guest bathroom, which consists of a", "toilet and a sink, enclosed in an area roughly", "the size of a port-a-potty, minus all the", "ventilation. with the lack of airflow, small", "enclosed space, and me using all my strength to", "preform an exorcism on myself, i started to get a", "little light headed. in a rush, i grab a handful", "of toilet paper to get rid of the turd still", "hanging out if my ass, and try to run out of the", "bathroom.", "of course, i stood up way too fast and blacked", "out. halfway out the bathroom, pants still", "around my ankles. i come to a few seconds later", "(i think) and proceed to empty my guts in a cold", "shower." ]

[ 0, 0.6181946856476241, 0.2183609153195052, 0.19544781476327683, 0.31860899688646854, 0.20954897174207276, 0, 0.7824919015638052, 0.6845114286876592, 0.7238757133833114, 0, 0, 0, 0.17195506747900435, 0.22082841757508193, 0.7133335564298294, 0.2667170724904105, 0.23839083484881524, 0, 0.1992746350747374, 0, 0.19125109183210495, 0.1437460194760945, 0.14225277435178513, 0, 0.0728006545982745, 0, 0, 0, 0.14445161762424635, 0.2146997547076282, 0.5300024001523146, 0, 0, 0.1438254020622515, 0, 0.47404113889623395, 0.22402824626090362, 0.19112392362609412, 0.23804500023659184, 0.2192863559891995, 0.2637709466607168, 0, 1, 0.2565561925530626, 0.19864841951274254, 0.20577303536247826, 0.09179252380910538, 0, 0, 0, 0.2598553317193193, 0.19331070476668225, 0 ]

[ "so i'm a guy who likes to do a lot of cheap", "journeys, thats sort of like a hobby to me. i", "like to get a return ticket for up to 200 euros", "every couple of months or so. the destination", "usually doesnt matter, but i always prioritize", "journeys to countries or cities i've never been", "(not related, but if you live in europe, you can", "travel like that for years not visiting same city", "twice)", "anyway, so my last journey (this wednesday) was", "to skopje, makedonija. there i have managed to", "get pretty much luxury airbnb apartment in the", "city center for ~120 euros for 4 nights! tickets", "themselves costed me 80 euros for return. i also", "bought same tickets (a bit later tho) for my gf", "and the whole journey was supposed to cost me", "around 300 euro for 2 people for 4 nights, which", "i believe by any measure is not that much, right?", "however, dont get me wrong, i still see that as", "fair amount of money, its just this kind of deal,", "the journey, is really lucrative experience wise.", "so we get up at 4 am. on wednesday, get our", "stuff, all happy, full of hope and good cheer go", "to the airport, fly to makedonija, i pass the", "customs and i see that it takes a while for my", "girlfriend to do that...after couple of minutes", "bam, my heart roles to my knees! i remember that", "she is from philippines and her visa works only", "in schengen zone! of course i try to all sorts of", "stuff, including calling philippines ambasada in", "oslo (thats where we are from) but those guys not", "only did not work at the time, but also their", "operating hours (at least for calls acceptance)", "conclude to approximatelly 20 a week.", "long story short, after that i had to buy us both", "tickets to ljubljana for 400e and then other", "tickets to oslo for 650 euros. because of that we", "got to enjoy only couple of days in ljubljana", "(not even that, half of second day was all rain),", "but at least the stay was pretty cheap.", "**", "i guess i will have to be extra cheap for couple", "of months..." ]

[ 0, 0, 0.1849110435716425, 0.11579144445072433, 0, 0.008212133181386489, 0.5057529935870693, 0.043076475143537046, 0, 0.020916734118998814, 0, 0.28650102565256536, 0.09003067392504474, 0.0518863943364224, 0, 0.18090977097036448, 0.5411168901406437, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.5592223667907469, 0, 0.10569632542087744, 0.7449813442871999, 0, 0, 0.19997573780594563, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0.05958959379312622, 0.4083101678089016, 0.8906163252926863, 0.03759603608173944, 0, 0, 0, 0.08436794917801171 ]

[ "this happened last night, you'll find out why it", "took me time to post.", "first impressions went well. dinner went very", "well! they even enjoyed my company enough to", "watch a movie with us and while we cuddled on the", "side couch, they cuddled 4 feet away and it was a", "great night. we had planned to stay at her house", "that night, permitting that relations weren't", "terrible, and it looked like that was fine,", "though they did request that i sleep in the guest", "bedroom.", "i don't know if it was the nerves or the food,", "but around 2am i woke up feeling danger. i", "hastily creeped out onto the landing between the", "3 bedrooms and tried to scout out which door was", "the upstairs bathroom. having found it", "successfully i rushed inside, remembering not to", "use the light switch because in this country the", "bathroom fan is often connected and i didn't want", "to wake people (if they were light sleepers).", "here's where it begins.", "settling down on the toilet was an immediate", "relief followed up by a relatively silent", "dropping and calmed nerves.. job well done. i", "reached over for the toilet paper and found", "nothing but an empty roll.", "not knowing where toilet paper was kept in this", "bathroom i stealthily bow-legged stand and tip", "toe my way over to the bathroom cabinet a couple", "of feet away to search for some. checking through", "all the cabinets in the dark is difficult and i", "still don't want to turn the light on, so i stalk", "back to my room, grab my phone as a flash light", "and continue my search. no luck.", "the next step in my head is to go to the other", "bathroom downstairs, and since i'd been warbling", "about for 5 minutes now i consider myself an", "expert. quietly bouncing from side to side down", "the stairs and into the other bathroom, my heart", "sinks as i shine my light on the toilet paper", "roll and see a sliver of it left. i try my best", "but it's not really enough. i can't think of any", "other options now except to use the sink as a", "bidet.", "so, i line up and walk backwards. it's a", "porcelain sink set into a small cabinet (with no", "tp under it) and so i lean up and place my weight", "on it. settling into the sink i can see the", "light! i turn the water on behind me and start to", "spoon it onto my backside, wiping with my hands", "and praying the soap is good. about halfway", "through i need to reposition to get a better", "angle, and when i shift my body weight i hear a", "creak. suddenly i'm falling.", "straight onto my ass with a loud crash, the", "entire sink and cabinet collapses under my weight", "and the water is spraying into the air. i hear", "yelling and see lights upstairs but i'm so", "wrapped up in how quickly the situation fucked", "itself that i don't really comprehend what's", "happening. i see someone rushing towards me and i", "see her father with an estranged look on his face", "trying to lift me up. the mother gasps and points", "below me. there's a piece of wood sticking out of", "the back of my thigh about 3 inches long.", "so here i am. standing naked and injured in front", "of my girlfriend's parents at 2am. a blanket and", "a hospital ride later, it's all a big joke. i'm", "glad i'm not single, this is turning out to be a", "great relationship." ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0.19316572412921434, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.7781529624471977, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.8528344744544315, 0, 0.0884693537814169, 0, 0.9156547215495043, 0, 0.07629612878570106, 0.364210851593391, 0.04882691065625956, 0, 0, 0, 0.2199920331996489, 0.11371774647658538, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.05038295187616431, 0, 0, 0.275873785524833, 0, 0, 0.09126623618841674, 0, 0.14447263644241704, 0.19827524757935758, 0, 0, 0.9945665322441127, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.14447263644241704, 0.786860542844788, 0.13425358954213037, 0, 0, 0 ]

[ "i hope this doesn't break any rules since pet", "euthanasia is an incredibly common and humane", "procedure. either way, my wonderful, yet", "extremely sick cat had no guarantee of survival", "and was put down free of pain. but i now think i", "fucked up in assessing what his chances really", "were. here's the story:", "last night a friend of mine had head over for", "another one of our board game nights, and when i", "open the door to greet her she abruptly says, \"i", "think your cat is dying\". i take a step out of my", "front door and there in the corner is my large,", "friendly, amazing cat mongo looking as though", "he's having a violent heat stroke. he's drooling,", "rapidly breathing, mouth is twitching, can't", "stand up. two of my close friends and my", "girlfriend immediately got in the car and rushed", "to the emergency vet, ac blasting on my poor", "overheated cat.", "after waiting at the clinic for an hour, a vet", "finally comes in and gives us the news. \"you've", "got a very sick cat\" he says. apparently mongo", "had kindey stones that had blocked his urethra", "leading to a buildup of toxins in his blood", "stream and a rock-hard bladder. on top of that,", "the combination of pain, stress, and summer heat", "lead to a heat stroke. the vets had inserted a", "catheter, instantly relieving his bladder, and", "they showed me some of the urine. it was", "fluorescent red. the vet then uttered his", "prognosis rapid fire and suggests either", "hospitalization or euthanasia, with heavy", "emphasis on euthanasia considering he was a", "\"neighborhood cat\".", "i should mention that mongo sort of fell into our", "lap when one of the outdoor cats had gotten", "pregnant. we fed her and her litter and i watched", "mongo grow up for three years. we fed him daily", "as he survived outside. mongo was also one of the", "best, purest, friendliest cats i had ever come", "across, and i've owned many cats. he by far had", "the best disposition and loved human affection.", "every day that i would go out for a cigarette,", "mongo would be there to greet me without fail. he", "really meant a lot to me.", "fast forward back to the vet, the doctor was", "throwing around terms like liver failure, high", "toxins, recurrence. i was skeptical of his", "diagnosis, so i ordered blood tests to be done. i", "wanted to see the cold hard numbers and make a", "decision for myself based off of evidence i could", "understand. another hour goes by and we are given", "the blood results. mongo's potassium and calcium", "levels were through the roof. he had a high", "degree of toxins in his blood, indicating liver", "failure. seeing no hope and feeling as though", "everyone knew it was the right choice, i", "hesitantly made the decision to euthanize. i", "wanted to be there for the procedure, so they had", "us wait in one of the operating rooms. after some", "time, i hear several sharp meows, and in comes", "the technician with mongo wrapped up sweetly in a", "blanket. he was too weak to stand and so was laid", "down. we pet him, and just like mongo he", "immediately began to purr and \"make butter\" with", "his paws as we called it. he was relieved from", "his full bladder and no doubt comforted by our", "presence and affection. his eyes began to close", "and he slept while we continued to pet him.", "another technician entered and and the injection", "procedure began. his eyes opened suddenly, and i", "then watched the life fade from his eyes. i", "cried, my friends cried, the technician cried, we", "all fucking cried. shortly after, we brought him", "home and buried him in the yard where he was", "born.", "i now believe i have made a terrible mistake.", "mongo was a young cat, and now thinking about it", "with a clear mind, it's apparent that a cat at", "that age probably has the best functioning kidney", "and liver he's ever going to have. after some", "research, it's apparent that kidneys do an", "incredible job of flushing out toxins to bring", "the body's balance back, especially for a young", "cat. the correct choice was to hospitalize him", "for two days with fluids. after some research", "today i concluded that recurrence would have not", "likely happened, as the kidney stone was probably", "flushed out in the catheter. even if his liver", "did fail, death by liver failure is evidently one", "of the best ways to die and is relatively pain", "free. i should have brought him home to at least", "give him a fighting chance. we would have kept", "him indoors during his recovery feeding him wet", "food and distilled water to further prevent", "recurrence. money is irrelevant here because i", "already spent $700 for a corpse. i would have", "gladly spent 2-3x that amount (the likely cost of", "hospitalization) to have my wonderful friend", "back.", "i genuinely believe i fucked up and made a choice", "with bad information and with the worst possible", "consequence. i can't express how i feel, but", "writing this has given me a sort of catharsis. i", "do believe vets are knowledgeable, but in this", "case i felt as though i was pushed to make a bad", "decision. i suggest to folks facing a similar", "situation, please consider how old your cat is,", "what his current pain level is, and if you can", "afford it to delay making a decision at that", "exact moment. think with a clear head and do some", "reading with your new knowledge. you potentially", "have the chance extend a great friendship for", "many, many years." ]

[ 0, 0.03618425754074854, 0.043744698897797134, 1, 0.40554152290591067, 0, 0, 0, 0.02783564620574574, 0.0060652541103585296, 0.3910918298703606, 0.05430920059672017, 0.03073461070739868, 0.011217648061882492, 0, 0.22377379960213378, 0, 0.061977745671518786, 0.2666767688909692, 0, 0, 0.5906626180643272, 0, 0.061546483287958656, 0.049679887199619736, 0.0019229551982704145, 0.0505539402607873, 0.03787602265812078, 0, 0, 0.03787602265812078, 0, 0.011612365591402272, 0.2666767688909692, 0, 0, 0.14626605691430988, 0, 0, 0.0019229551982704145, 0, 0.013251946461727044, 0.026834555629313212, 0, 0.13081007547260967, 0, 0, 0.012191847977951142, 0.016746316968400378, 0.2702541780562592, 0, 0, 0.013251946461727044, 0, 0, 0.011260528876974894, 0.0005739786163204816, 0.6151963334809453, 0, 0, 0.04922371251947251, 0, 0.023257907982973152, 0, 0.10085679812932684, 0, 0, 0.08861935676816568, 0.02486851011448424, 0.03776820337666381, 0.1352909233298132, 0, 0.04388840957518869, 0, 0, 0, 0.7215038684957394, 0.5111096954844113, 0.07669412384369555, 0, 0.034683446628434145, 0, 0.0245890052344676, 0, 0.12904052874009975, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.03587596002125139, 0.0060652541103585296, 0, 0, 0.16841331216703193, 0.01189454502579506, 0.07908687599318448, 0, 0.4296530795601476, 0, 0.5479635061486576, 0.022612574759182075, 0.011795444040876102, 0.037055543322453734, 0, 0.2231308526266486, 0.4311425500107218, 0, 0, 0.05023885848797134, 0.016756719016706764, 0, 0, 0 ]

[ "(actually happened about a week ago)", "went to meet some friends before they went to a", "concert and i went home for the evening. had to", "pee leaving work but i was already late and", "figured i would go when i got to the restaurant.", "arrived at the restaurant, greeted my friends,", "got distracted by the menu, and the pee feeling", "left so i forgot.", "about an hour later, we leave and are going our", "separate ways. i give my two close friends hugs", "to say goodbye and turn to go. a newer friend who", "i have just recently got to know is a big hugger,", "and came in for a hug. little did i know, he is a", "big hugger. the kind where you squeeze someone", "and pick them up off the ground crushing their", "ribs.", "turns out his arms were placed just right where", "he wrung my little bladder out like a sponge.", "there was no stopping it and it just kept going", "the longer he hugged. as soon as he put me down i", "said bye and quickly turned away, hiding my", "shame.", "the other person not going to the concert nicely", "asked if i wanted to walk to the bus together and", "i noped out of it while walk-running back into", "the restaurant for the bathroom.", "arrived in the bathroom and surveyed the damage.", "light wash denim with a big ol' wet stain smack", "dab in my crotch. at this point i was laughing", "about it and sent a picture to the mutual friends", "of the pee-squeezer.", "thankfully, i had a sweatshirt i could tie around", "my waist like a mom, but i did still have to", "endure a 40 minute bus ride with pee-pants." ]

[ 0, 0, 0.5547448068008669, 0.07218443572858756, 0, 0.1275293905705773, 0.6967696813355195, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.3905511515910131, 0.48951333540320535, 0.06724281509061533, 0.01767736744219356, 0, 0, 0.43274294885646797, 0, 0.057041918088004025, 0.06358495409626276, 0, 0, 0.11422457327040353, 0.6749340717974915, 0.03582480040638126, 0.29927605964457915, 0.40254122730571174, 0.17483743028380708, 0.03093717466927312, 0.41125052011233365, 0.602310459272124, 0.03147442063604519, 1 ]

[ "this didn't happen today, but in 2004. i was 16.", "around this horrific period of the early-mid", "2000's, a very \"fashionable\" trend was destroyed", "denim. now, you could buy jeans and skirts and", "jackets already with holes and rips and tears in", "them at places like abercrombie & fitch, which", "was my favorite at the time. (how my tastes have", "changed for the better!) but i wanted jeans that", "were really destroyed, with more rips and tears", "than anything i could buy. so i developed my own", "techniques for implementing further destruction.", "i used a variety of tools like sandpaper,", "needles, scissors, and a cheese grater. my", "favorite cheese grater to use was a four-sided", "one of my mom's. it had three different sides of", "varying coarseness for grating, and one side with", "a massive serrated edge for slicing.", "this story takes place in the fall. all week long", "i had been hearing rumors that the football", "player whom i had a crush on was going to ask me", "to homecoming. i had been eagerly awaiting his", "call all week and had decided to work on my jeans", "as a way of passing the time. i was sitting on my", "bedroom floor grating and slicing and sanding", "away when the phone rang.", "*ring ring*", "my stomach dropped. it had to have been him! but", "where was my phone?!", "*ring ring*", "oh, there it is. across the room. i jumped up", "excitedly.", "*ring ring*", "i began to sprint to the phone. i took one step", "and-", "\"fuuuuuucckkk!!\"\n\n*ring ring*", "i had sliced the palm of my heel open on the side", "of the 4-sided grater which could have done the", "most damage - the side you use for cheese slices", "or slicing garlic or vegetables.", "i immediately sat on the floor and tried to", "survey the damage, the phone sounding like it was", "ringing from a distance. i could hear my", "heartbeat in my head. my foot was already", "throbbing. there was a dime-sized mound of flesh", "dangling off the side of my heel, my red insides", "exposed like the mouth of a muppet. it took", "months to heal but after some time the nerve", "damage lessened and the skin grew back.", "for the record, the guy never asked me out." ]

[ 0.1767157113248689, 0, 0.04661565995345531, 0.06777580121522957, 0.3055292004801723, 0, 0.04115076888636598, 0.16786532711677138, 0.0783283404570381, 0.1419496163824781, 0, 0.14650063420075057, 1, 0.344527392639245, 0.031850370287797615, 0.09267809860875376, 0.05743897260137373, 0.035364402461279136, 0.018886261315396724, 0.13514696138238505, 0.047123691550056926, 0.2285819618552909, 0.2042418658365904, 0, 0, 0, 0.1268471219738432, 0.14199937821711217, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.14467132795074747, 0, 0, 0.1897968609818596, 0.05413493209812043, 0.028187695806965878, 0, 0.042170227858593194, 0, 0.10263410519809858, 0.46960646624757385, 0.04510094128886413, 0.027374173296651393, 0.02204727764939353, 0.02433652280872487, 0, 0 ]

[ "i work for a dealer-group, about two weeks ago one", "of my co-workers was fired, let's just call him", "tom. tom wasn't happy about being fired so he", "hatched a master plan; he went home and filled a", "large garbage bag full of dog shit and decided he", "would come into the office and dump it on the", "managers desk. tom arrived in the morning and", "realized that this was a shitty idea. he left the", "build and decided to leave the bag on a car near", "the back of the lot. the garbage bag sat roasting", "in sun until today, i kept seeing the bag and", "thought it was odd that one of the lot guys", "hadn't done anything with it. after about two", "weeks of seeing this large bag, i decided i would", "be a model a employee and deal with what ever was", "in the bag. i walked over to the bag, and", "examined it, it was a black heavy duty glade bag", "with a white bow tying it shut. i pondered for a", "moment and decided that it must be someone who", "forgot some supply on this vehicle. i decided i", "would open the bag and return the contents to the", "rightful owner. without further inspection i pull", "the ribbon off; and out spills a disgusting wave", "of liquefied hot dogshit absolutely covering me,", "i pause and then uncontrollably vomit all over", "myself. disorientated and disgusted and scramble", "for a moment and then slip; smashing my elbow on", "the bumper of a car.", "after this i got a lot guy to hose my off, i", "changed my clothes and now i'm at home,", "contemplating my life." ]

[ 0, 0.018160716461670598, 0, 0.018160716461670598, 0.4498668998749647, 0, 0, 0, 0.3883892440243963, 0.609194761260937, 0, 0, 0, 0.5225097675437556, 0, 0.039831964419683924, 0.5225097675437556, 0, 0, 0, 0.039831964419683924, 0, 0.018160716461670598, 0.06598047780946521, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0.3883892440243963, 0, 0 ]

[ "obligatory: this was yesterday, not today.", "so i get out of school and i'm all excited to go", "to work (i work at petsmart in the pethotel) and", "i realize that i need to lube the chain of my", "bike because i'm not getting the amount of power", "out of my bike that i'm putting in. i roll into", "my garage and i put my school junk inside the", "house. i run back out and grab the can of", "lubrication. i flip my bike upside down and start", "spinning the pedals.", "soon after i realize that i'm hitting my hand", "that's on the chain. i slowly move my left hand", "backwards until it isn't being hit by the pedal", "anymore. however, what i don't realize is that", "i've gone a bit too far and before i know it my", "hand is being caught in the chain ring.", "the teeth punctures my left middle finger and", "then the chain scrapes away the skin that's on", "top of the finger near the base of the nail. it", "also scrapes skin off my left ring finger before", "i was able to pull it out.", "blood starts pouring out from the puncture wound", "and i quickly run inside and grab a paper towel.", "i run it under cold water and wring the water out", "with my right hand. i shove my finger inside the", "wet towel and apply pressure. i go to my couch", "and sit down, knowing that i just lost a ton of", "blood. luckily, i was right in doing so, as soon", "after my eyes went blurry and i had to lay down.", "i went to the hospital and got it glued.", "unfortunately, it kept bleeding, so today i had", "to go back and get it re-glued.", "stay safe out there!" ]

[ 0.03100527895141594, 0, 0.0056287903249169526, 1, 0.15351246703735696, 0, 0.0056287903249169526, 0, 0, 0.08252830281579346, 0, 0.3493261384099081, 0.0056287903249169526, 0, 0, 0.46111050531093306, 0.012420484979720954, 0.44029724702916584, 0.18067924626822715, 0, 0, 0.46111050531093306, 0, 0, 0.0056287903249169526, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0056287903249169526, 0, 0, 0 ]

[ "so, i live in a rent house in a college town where", "i go to school(arkansas tech). i just moved in a", "couple of weeks ago, and yesterday i decided i", "wanted to work on my pitching wedge game. so i", "went out into the front lawn with a bucket of", "golf balls and a wedge and started chipping from", "the bottom of the hill, up towards the house,", "aiming at the bucket. well, the lawnmower didn't", "cut the grass short enough a couple days ago, so", "the grass was too deep and it was like i was", "hitting balls out of deep rough, which is nearly", "impossible if you're working on your short game", "like i was. so, being as inventive as i am, i go", "and grab the weedeater and cut out a big patch of", "grass on the bottom of the hill as a sort of", "chipping area. i cut it really low, probably too", "low actually, so it worked really well for", "getting clean hits on balls without the grass", "slowing my club head down and throwing me off. so", "i hit about 20 balls at the bucket before i ran", "out. well, now, instead of picking them up and", "restarting at the bottom, i wanted to chip them", "back down the hill, and the grass was too tall at", "the top to hit from, so i grab the weed eater and", "go to town cutting a 6 foot wide circle as the", "secondary chipping pad and landing zone for when", "i'm hitting from the bottom. so i smack some more", "balls from the top and realize that if i hit a", "ball short of the pad at the bottom, the ball", "wont roll down to the bottom due to the thick", "grass between the two pads. so, i grab the weed", "eater again and cut a narrow strip connecting the", "two pads, down the hill, as a narrow little", "fairway of sorts. i chip some more balls around", "for a while, neighbors stroll by, kids ride by on", "bikes, and families come and go from the", "neighborhood. i get hot and before i throw", "everything in the garage and head inside, i", "proudly snap a picture to send to my roommate,", "who is also a golfer. i go inside for the", "evening.", "*this morning*", "i wake up and get ready for class. i walk out the", "front door, forgetting about the new lawn", "art/sick new golfing range installation until i", "go to put my bag in the back of my car.", "*then i saw it*", "here i stood, at the bottom of the hill, in the", "street, staring at this very obvious, 30 foot", "long 4 foot wide penis and ballsack that i had", "carved into my yard the evening before. and i", "couldn't do anything about it at the time or else", "i'd be late for class! i had to leave it in the", "yard, on display, all day long! got a call this", "afternoon from our landlord asking us to \"please", "remove the *bleep *other word for penis* from our", "front lawn\" i told him someone pulled a prank on", "us. this afternoon i gave it a trim and made the", "fairway wider, so it looks more like a weird", "putting green than a massive shlong in our front", "lawn. all is well.", "[here's a link to the", "picture...](http://imgur.com/ypff70x)" ]

[ 0.0010134732645548398, 0.14494965183433806, 0, 0, 0.6309265693265389, 0.1533363542381337, 0.032724288632646155, 0, 0, 0.006188665929335376, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0432071788203153, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.07187153400291545, 0, 0.063910758309299, 0, 0, 0.1313804795986, 0.15344787324385914, 0, 0.006846329113310614, 0.0006473062055464717, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.18984703420064883, 0, 0.0561281330385578, 0, 0.0016384372692473438, 0, 0, 0.04545267394955051, 0.05736760055969365, 0, 0.06009228112717717, 0.04863676959784749, 0.05418696343202136, 0, 0.006078942801025879, 0.19065672766712766, 0, 0.06784436518814506, 0.49461818200030655, 0.41354958431588335, 0.28926829256864267, 0.3059027688437825, 0.0016122612131345665, 0, 1, 0.0596149997226977, 0.14546450106522946, 0 ]

[ "i am a manager at a slightly more \"upscale\"", "restaurant. this was a couple of weeks ago. that", "night, we accommodated a last minute group of 40", "since our private rooms weren't booked. it was a", "group of traveling soccer player kids and their", "parents, set as a parents table and kids table", "next to it. separate checks.", "shortly after the food arrived to the tables, a", "lady from the party pulled the server aside, and", "quietly explained that her kid was supposed to", "order off of the kids menu but ordered something", "more expensive without her knowledge. she", "couldn't afford it. i witnessed the whole thing", "and could tell she was super embarrassed. i", "totally had flashbacks to when i was a kid,", "unable to do things like dining out. i read this", "situation like a book, and realized that these", "other parents were well off (designer clothes and", "watches, huge wedding rings, metal credit cards,", "etc). traveling sports are expensive. i'm so sure", "that this mom often went without, so that her kid", "didn't. i'm also sure she didn't pick the", "restaurant. i decided to comp the food all", "together rather than adjusting the price.", "i didn't want her to have to ask if her check was", "accurate after seeing the total, and i didn't", "want to embarrass her further. so i wrote on her", "check that it was on us and gave it to her in the", "check presenter. she wrote back how thankful she", "was and the good deed was done. not.", "obviously a million separate checks take time, so", "as the servers were splitting and running", "payments on the computer, i was taking the", "completed payments back to the guests to sign. i", "gave the lady who's food we comped her slip first", "since we clearly had nothing to split. the woman", "sitting next to her was getting impatient waiting", "for her check. she looked over at soccermom's her", "slip, then loudly and very rudely said \"so is", "mine free too?!\".", "i couldn't help myself but to stare at her", "designer purse and shoes as i informed her that", "no, it wasn't.", "poor soccer mom was pretending not to realize", "what was going on, but it was so obvious she was", "totally mortified. i'm sure the others knew she", "didn't have money like them, but thanks to me it", "was now out in the open. i'm sure they were", "uncomfortable too.", "i get that rudelady sucks and i couldn't control", "her rudeness. but in hindsight, i probably", "shouldn't have used my bright purple pen to write", "with. and i probably should have used better", "judgement when giving soccer mom her check way", "before the people around her. especially", "impatient rudelady. i should have waited for her", "to use the restroom or break away for something", "and then let her know in private." ]

[ 0.07355845875485685, 0.07854563621071456, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.011319917885283314, 0.24842525252111777, 0, 0.13775900183075562, 0, 0.11885651169064348, 0.041679580698920395, 0.05888669681168503, 0.1089635314943685, 0.00023103197392101228, 0.17071648760513086, 0, 0, 0, 0.23870142001092304, 0.4875732986662878, 0.05747070260223509, 0, 0.15642848081311062, 0.06420475476373554, 0.042305842971761286, 0.05543647572819462, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.04813967636426337, 0.1361512679877574, 0, 0, 0, 0.05922567687069058, 0, 0, 0.08371275735435525, 0.06648891210198668, 0, 0.009476678329980628, 0.04428897681824536, 0.10055629165452923, 1, 0, 0, 0.04478448234933023, 0.12263196774226671, 0.008931194382069645, 0.018469169879708106, 0.08567251771500413, 0.04954134967250512, 0.11813701462257062, 0.14500703752039598, 0 ]

[ "so this happened over the course of the weekend,", "which you'll understand after reading the post,", "but the real fuck up happened monday,", "technically. throwaway account for obvious", "reasons.", "now, let me give you the setting here. i'm a 19", "year old, living in my aunt and uncle's home in", "colorado while i attend school. my uncle has ocd,", "and everything always has to be ***just right***", "for him to be happy, and otherwise he will get", "very, ***very***, angry. like, if there's so much", "as an empty glass on the coffee table it will set", "him off. so we do our best to keep the house", "clean so he's happy. and i try to pick up extra", "slack since they're letting me stay rent free.", "anyway, last friday night i was getting ready for", "bed and, as any 19 year old would do, i decided", "to jack off. not going to get too descriptive", "there, ~~and i definitely didn't use a coconut~~,", "but right as i'm about to bust a nut i hear", "someone coming upstairs. thinking on my toes, i", "decided to come into the water bottle on my desk", "so i could quickly hide it. which i did.", "fast forward to later in the night, at about 5am.", "i wake up and really have to piss. now, i haven't", "been at my aunt and uncle's too long now and i'm", "really not comfortable enough in this house to", "walk down the hall from my room in my boxers,", "even at 5am when everyone is asleep. even more", "than that, i didn't want to put clothes on just", "to go take a piss. so, i had my second great idea", "of the night, and pissed in the same bottle i had", "jizzed in. this still wouldn't be that bad,", "right? i could just wash it all down the drain in", "the morning and it’d all be just fine. ***if i", "hadn't forgotten it for 3 days.***", "i had gone out of town for the weekend, to visit", "home. and all the while there sat a water bottle", "full of piss and semen on my desk. this is where", "the real fuck up happens.", "monday night before i went to bed, i got a water", "bottle to drink and set it on none other than my", "desk before falling asleep. do you ever wake up", "and you're just so thirsty your throat feels like", "a desert? that was me last night. half asleep, i", "force myself up to grab my water bottle. you can", "see where this is going… i picked up the 3 day", "old piss/jizz bottle and took a big hearty gulp.", "i was no longer half asleep. the taste was just", "skin curdlingly awful, and even thinking about it", "makes me gag. it was so bitter and rancid, and i", "definitely wouldn't recommend it.", "from my shock after drinking that, i dropped the", "bottle. and it spilled all over the carpet, in", "the middle of the night. let me tell you, it", "smells even worse than it tasted. it smells like", "cat piss that has just gone ***off***.", "panicking, i didn't know what to do and just", "sprayed it down with windex (the only cleaner i", "had in the closet.) and then put a towel on it.", "this didn't help, and now i have to explain to my", "uncle why there's a big, rancid smelling, stain", "on his carpet." ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.24210105768942086, 0.011925735495658491, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.0466953630501637, 0, 0.053991080140633314, 0, 0, 0.13415373245342196, 0.15250590321695465, 0.31553165096817315, 0.3744986545761243, 0, 0.001996566960247077, 0, 0.04447921499759498, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.02832021448278256, 0.4159494941512988, 0.4447596356911317, 0, 0, 0.9776068758254485, 0.046193623849453476, 0.031123636088729725, 0.16548430563859298, 0, 0.01882810944050585, 0.6008046814962986, 0, 0, 0.24970611171661877, 0, 0, 0.03974811409589205, 0, 0.4135066083994201, 0.15437778228549795, 0, 0.037867471623785516, 1, 0.0007646268806610888, 0, 0, 0.00023269125074869108, 0, 0.6503259965312959, 0.011002698387353902, 0, 0.2723708291738156 ]

[ "so i was in school and went to the restroom to", "take a shit. basically i entered a stall and was", "ready to sit down, when i realized i was a genius", "and i was going to revolutionize the way shits", "are taken.", "so everyone knows about those cracks in between", "stalls and the door, in which you always feel", "like someone might walk in and just watch you", "shit. well at my school there are the special", "kids who actually walk in and will stand there", "and watch you. so i was like let me cover my dick", "by only pulling down the back half of my pants to", "take my shit, kind of how you only pull down the", "front half to take a piss.", "so i pulled down the back half of my pants, and", "sat down and just went all out. then i realized", "that mistake i made before it was too late. when", "one shits, they piss too at the start. my dick", "was still inside my pants so i had just pissed", "myself.", "a mistake i won't make again." ]

[ 0.11534997265617461, 0.19675957487998877, 0.08342962068688978, 0.1191262954107756, 0, 0, 0.09690855385953318, 0.0009062571437305411, 0.1810874940639333, 0.01036600074838538, 0.06822221146915451, 1, 0.2065742938139533, 0.07424823096700077, 0.9288770391208914, 0.13019355944703903, 0, 0.08100133074115648, 0.2972253824139503, 0.5974577928020606, 0.015124276893104586 ]

[ "yesterday i was invited to lunch from a friend of", "mine.", "came to his apartment and his uncle decide to", "have a lunch session.", "fine by me, i wanted to eat steak but got bread", "which is ok.", "at this point i have to shake hands with the", "other guest.", "here's where i fucked up.", "my friend and i have a log history to debate and", "research muslim 'customs' as in what's the actual", "hadith, quran verses and ulama interpretation.", "our biggest laughed of hypocrisy is smoking.", "almost every islamic country's religious center", "in the world consider smoking haram (singapore,", "malaysia, saudi, iraq, etc) but they still sell", "it. pork is haram, and those who eat pork is", "'dirty' but somehow people who smoke cigarettes", "which is haram is fine. both is haram but let's", "continue on with the tifu.", "at this point, the guest was hand shaking me but", "i refuse to hand shake the wives/ladies.", "i thought this is considered polite in islamic", "culture which is true since you don't touch a", "person of an opposite gender unless you are blood", "related or married to them* (got more but too", "long to explain)", "everyone understood so when one them asked me why", "i didn't hand shake his wife, well i replied with", "the relevant sources.", "... short explanation, short reference, short", "conclusion, end it with since i didn't pay for", "the dowry, therefore i couldn't touch her.", "not sure if there was a mistranslation, but he", "was pissed.", "i'm not sure why though but our lunch was cut", "short and we took off to eat our halal steak.", "my friend was laughing and explained. here's why:", ">1. i was light skin so many people consider me", "as chinese and i'm fluent in mandarin and", "cantonese so it was an ok assumption. though, i'm", "a muslim.", ">2. the guy wanted to be sarcastic about", "'non-muslim' following people's culture without", "understanding why so my reply was essentially", "saying him as an uneducated muslim which is a", "very big insult to him.", ">3. not sure why, but from my explanation, and", "his reply, i managed to made him look like he was", "prostituting his wife.", "big fuck up since they were actually nice people", "and the naan was delicious." ]

[ 0.2144546968014334, 0, 0.5196952875922034, 0, 0.5697170300902519, 0, 0.3853440995234402, 0, 0.14465391213258147, 0.2221287314236092, 0.04339244052972572, 0.11379720390501157, 0, 0, 0.07296443761782244, 0, 0.3833211160370531, 0, 0, 0.24067456645750937, 0.003188784251002433, 0.4179272220251608, 0.02800172366946541, 0.019393750260210826, 0, 0.0020645150906464273, 0.7113072970291473, 0.0013157184329587641, 0.9046591319819461, 0.2989047614395743, 0, 0.36368233919256915, 0.8577408918084495, 0, 0, 0, 0.6218951354140098, 0.3792015690932602, 0.0007602694310529126, 0.059999255105760714, 0, 0, 0.30479040348289865, 0, 0.08691748164645269, 0, 0.08513670208851, 0.3553960021368465, 0.34284446640266597, 1, 0, 0.8637021674685357 ]

[ "i felt alseep while on a call with my friend irl,", "i usually talk to him for a couple of hours and", "then say good bye and such.", "not this time, i was awake for 20 hours and", "really felt the need to rest, so while in the", "call i decided to go to bed and just rest while", "he was speaking to me and answering as needed.", "at sometime i just passed out and rolled over the", "microphone making my breathing sound really heavy", "and worrying my friend instantly, he is out of", "town but he knows more members of my family.", "after trying to contact me again through", "whatsapp, facebook messages and calls he decided", "to contact them telling he thought i just", "fainted, making them also worried and now", "everyone trying to contact me since i live alone", "to give a bit more context why is this an issue", "- i have the fame of not eating at my hours", "because usually my sleeping cycles are very", "fucked up", "- i have some issues on my left leg so i cant", "walk too much and if i were to slip i could brake", "it", "- they think i'm stupid and they might be right", "- i'm 20 btw", "so after scaring all the members of my family and", "having more than 100 notifications on my phone", "(which btw where on very low volume) from", "whatsapp and facebook calls i woke up to a call 4", "hours later from my cousin telling me if i'm okay", "and he is incoming to my apartment to take me to", "hospital if something is wrong.", "luckily i could tell him to don't worry and after", "making many calls saying sorry to worry i'm now", "writing this post and feeling very hungry." ]

[ 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.027917151928137277, 1, 0.027917151928137277, 0.012728357448650238, 0, 0, 0, 0.06863664771440886, 0, 0.04624394122469375, 0, 0.027917151928137277, 0, 0.012728357448650238, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.027917151928137277, 0, 0.3662130372247467, 0.027917151928137277, 0 ]