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gigant

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reddit_tifu_oreo

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[ "it's a nice day and i wanted to get out on the", "water, so i geared up and went out to grab a", "boat. i picked my oldest kayak, an 8' fishing", "kayak i haven't used in a while.", "when i lifted it off its hook i heard a bunch of", "scraping and sliding inside. peering behind the", "seat i saw a big wad of twigs and leaves. i", "figured that it had accumulated from windblown", "stuff in the fall.", "i flipped the seat up, reached my paddle in, and", "dragged the mass up so i could grab it. when i", "reached in, i noticed a tiny baby bird in the", "twigs. horrified, i laid the boat down and", "looked.", "piled in the middle, outside of a shattered nest,", "were [four baby birds](http://imgur.com/a/0avb2).", "they were breathing heavily and occasionally", "opening their mouths to be fed.", "i did my best to mold the nest into the shape i", "thought it should be in. carefully, i tried to", "slip them back in the nest one by one. when they", "were all in, i lifted the boat back on its hook", "and placed the nest back where it was. then i", "went back inside and watched through the window.", "within a minute two birds came back and were", "checking the boat out. they were hopping around", "the bottom and flying onto the branches of a", "nearby bush. i thought maybe i didn't leave the", "seat open enough so i went back out.", "when i walked around the boat i startled the two", "birds. they had gotten inside and were down at", "the stern of the boat (hanging from the bow)", "messing around with the nest. they freaked out", "and flew out when i loomed over them.", "i retreated back inside and after another minute", "they both came back. they were squawking at me", "from the bush. i decided to give them some", "privacy, so i pulled the curtains.", "this really scared them and they flew away. i've", "been watching ever since and they never came", "back. :(" ]

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[ "this was a couple of weeks ago, since i was", "forbidden to write this at the time because it", "would be too identifiable.", "we were getting nasty, and while my wife was", "lying on the bed, i grabbed a heavy glass butt", "plug from the shelf, and, as my fingers were a", "bit moist, i bobbled it a few times before it", "fell about 3 feet directly onto her forehead. she", "rolled around in pain for a minute, but then", "recovered like a champ and we went at it.", "20 minutes of post-coital bliss later, she gets", "up and goes to the bathroom and i hear her gasp.", "she has a huge knot and bright red bruise on her", "forehead. if i'd noticed, we could have iced it", "when it happened. since i didn't, it took a solid", "two weeks to go away. she's a bad liar and was", "terrible at answering what happened, because she", "didn't want to tell them i dropped a butt plug on", "her face, but also didn't want to seem like she", "was covering up for me beating her, so people", "were very delicate to her, trying to figure out", "if i'm an abuser." ]

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[ "had to wait for the weekend to post this. i have", "been looking for a job for the last few weeks.", "the first promising interview i had was with a", "small company. now, i'm a smoker (not horrible,", "maybe a pack a week or so?) anyway. before i went", "in for this interview i was nervous so i decided", "to have a smoke to calm my nerves. and what does", "tobacco do to a lot of people? it makes you have", "to go to the bathroom. so immediately after my", "smoke i figured i has enough time to use the", "bathroom before they called me in to talk with", "the interviewer. i went into the bathroom and sat", "down. i begin doing my business when i felt a wet", "sensation on my leg. i had, like a dumbass,", "accidentally sat too close to the front of the", "toilet and so my urine was spraying underneath", "where the bowl and the seat meet all over my leg", "and on my dress pants. i didn't catch it fast", "enough so i regrettably got a lot on me and on", "the floor. i immediately fix myself, so my", "business as fast as i can and finish. when i go", "to stand up i slip on the wet puddle on the floor", "(damn you dress shoes and your lack of traction!)", "and slip. i put my hand out to catch my fall but", "i land directly on my ass, my hand and lower arm", "going into the toilet bowl making my sleeve wet", "and smell really bad. i stand up again and rush", "over to the sink to try to wash off the smell and", "dry myself as quickly as i can, realize it's not", "going to work, and decide i'll just try to sneak", "out and skip this interview. as i walk out of the", "bathroom, the secretary calls my name (who is", "actually an acquaintance of mine so she", "recognized me) and told me the interviewer was", "ready. seeing as she obviously saw me i had no", "choice. i walked into the managers office. the", "second i walked in the interviewer went from a", "straight face to absolute disgust and looked like", "he was going to throw up. the smell was", "intoxicatingly bad. i went to sit in the provided", "chair and he just looked at me and told me to get", "out as he was holding back a gag and potentially", "vomit. i left embarrassed and feeling disgusting.", "i guess i'll just look elsewhere. worst part is", "the suit is a rental." ]

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[ "this happened about 3 hours ago. i work a summer", "sales job, you know the annoying guys who go", "door-to-door with such \"awesome\" deals. my", "manager recently bought a segway minipro to help", "his time going to each door. his numbers have", "been great, and the thing is a pretty cool", "icebreaker.", "in comes my fuck up. i was putting our lunches", "and water in the trunk and decided to be helpful", "and load the segway. if you've ever seen or", "ridden the minis you would recognize the bar in", "the center you use to turn does not hold a lot of", "weight. it most definitely isn't meant to be", "quickly lifted into the air with. it's funny", "right before it broke i thought holding it that", "way felt off... so the center bar snaps, the", "board falls and breaks the chip in the front", "making it pretty much impossible to fix.", "i will be buying a new one for him this paycheck.", "i learned a $600 lesson in handling other", "people's things." ]

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[ "backstory: lived in dc for 18 months, moved to", "seattle for a year, now interviewing for a", "position back in the dmv area. before i left, i", "met an interesting, lovely woman and we hit it", "off. we've remained friends since.", "so i'm back in the dc area for an interview. i", "get a rental car (lucky given the holiday", "weekend) and head up to baltimore to spend the", "weekend with a friend. i've got the rental car to", "drive around and see other friends in the dmv", "area, including the woman i had met before i left", "dc. today (july 1) is her birthday, and i wanted", "to surprise her. she already knew about the", "interviews, and i told her i'd call her on her", "birthday. however, my plan was to show up and", "surprise her with flowers.", "everything goes well with the interviews andthe", "rental car, and my friend and i stay up late", "talking, catching up, and just for fun, get on", "okc. i didn't have any expectations of anything", "actually happening....well, in the spirit of", "tifu, the woman i was planning on surprising", "today saw me on okc. she saw my location had", "changed to this area, which is ~6 miles from", "where she lives, and she's confused about what's", "going on. she sends me texts that i didn't get", "until late last night, the last of which says", "\"that's ok, you can keep your secrets\". now she", "won't pick up her phone to talk.", "so, i'm buying flowers and a card and leaving it", "on her doorstep for her birthday and hoping she", "calls." ]

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[ "first, let me preface that i am gay and that this", "encounter was with a man. this is a throwaway", "account for obvious reasons.", "as a young decently physically attractive man,", "i've been around the block a few times with men", "(both topping and bottoming) without any trouble.", "i even have a goal in life: to have sex with", "every major race on the planet. so far, i've", "knocked off white, black, latino, and arab. all i", "was missing in my mind (although i know there are", "more) were indian, native american, and asian.", "so it's been about 6 months since i've had sex,", "and i was getting a little desperate. and where", "do desperate people go to have sex? craigslist. a", "week ago, i thought: \"fuck it. why not post and", "see what happens?\" i fill out everything and get", "a few good pics of myself. i put that i prefer", "safe sex and i’m verse, rather muscular, mobile,", "ddf, open to all races, etc. and i post.", "i get responses, but half of them are overweight", "50 year-old men looking to be my \"daddy\", and i'd", "rather throw up than have sex with them. the", "other half just don't really suit me. so after a", "day, i give up and head to the beach in florida", "for a relaxing vacation with some family members", "with my ad still up in craigslist.", "in florida, i go off of my healthy eating", "lifestyle and eat til my heart's content. fried", "shrimp, tuna, fried calamari, burgers, and more", "all down my gut. there wasn't much to do in where", "i was in florida, but the food was great.", "although two days ago, as i'm laying in bed, i", "see that i had a few more responses trickle in", "from my post a while back. most were of the same", "shit from before until i saw one: \"curious asian", "looking\" so i open the response.", "i was expecting someone just like the rest, but", "from the pictures he sent, he was in great shape,", "wanted to host, and wanted safe sex, all checks", "in my book, so i respond. after chatting a while,", "he tells me that he’s had sex with women, but he", "wasn’t sure that he was straight and wanted to", "try it with a guy to make sure. i told him that i", "have no problem with his curiosity and that it'd", "be best for him to top because prepping to be a", "bottom is a pain in the ass (literally). i tell", "him that i'm out of town, but i'll be back in a", "couple of days so we can hook up then. he seems", "pretty nervous about it all and very cautious,", "but we plan for the night on the day i get back", "from florida.", "for all of you straight people out there,", "prepping to bottom is annoying and time", "consuming. you can't eat 24 hours before you have", "sex and/or you have to clean out your system with", "an enema right beforehand. if you don’t, shit", "hits the fan (or the dick should i say). the", "problem was that the seafood was just too damn", "good, and i wasn’t going to turn down an", "opportunity for the older family members to pay", "for dinner. i decide i’ll bank on the enema.", "coming back from florida, i’m really excited. i", "get to have sex for the first time in a while and", "get one step closer to my “mr. worldwide” goal. i", "even stop eating just in case, solely drinking", "water. i do all of the enema stuff (all coming", "out clear so i know my system is clean). my ass", "is a bit wet still but i had to hurry up to david", "(not his name, but i’ll just call him that)", "because i got back from florida later than", "expected. i rush over to his place.", "pulling up to his place. it was in a sketchy", "location, but the building was really nice. david", "owns a small computer company so i have a good", "feeling about his apartment. i rush up to his", "apartment building, look up his name, and david", "buzzes me in. i go to his room and david opens", "the door.", "looking at david, he didn't really look like the", "photos he sent me. he was a kinda lanky and not", "as hot as he led me to think, but at this point,", "it’s not like i’m in the mood to turn around.", "david introduces me to his cat and tries to make", "small talk because he’s nervous, but we both know", "we’re not here for small talk. looking around his", "apartment, it’s minimal, but nice: granite", "countertops, a huge tv, new washer and dryer,", "and, mentioning in his small talk, a brand new", "bed in his bedroom with white covers. he asks if", "i need to use his living room bathroom sink or", "even his bedroom shower, but i tell him that i’m", "all good so we head to his bedroom.", "in david's bedroom, we start making out, and boy", "is he a great kisser. a real pro. tonight’s going", "to be a good night.", "here’s where it gets really nsfw. i’m so fucking", "ashamed of this. if you decided to skim my story,", "this is where my tifu starts.", "david starts to strip my clothes off. i’ve never", "had anyone take off my clothes with such ease and", "it’s really fucking sexy. we lay on his new white", "bed naked and he starts rimming my ass. i then", "suck his dick, and he flips me so my stomach is", "on the bed with my ass facing toward him. he then", "lays on top of me and goes straight for my ear,", "licking and slurping my ear. a bit odd but who am", "i to judge. david puts on a condom, lubes it,", "shoves it in my ass, and lays on top of me.", "in movies, sex sounds like a really wet clopping", "noise like that klonking sound you can make with", "your tongue. it sounded like that. klonk klonk", "klonk repeated over and over. it sounded really", "weird to me because i can feel that my ass is", "wet. in my mind, i just thought it was because my", "ass was still a little wet from the enema, so i", "didn't say anything. after a minute, he stops", "with his dick still inside my ass.", "“oh shit.” says david.\n \n“what?”\n \n“shit!”", "my shit is on his dick. fuck. i didn't clean out", "enough. he starts freaking out. some of my wet", "shit ended up on his bed.", "as he starts pulling his dick out of my ass, my", "stomach grumbles and i felt a feeling i’ve never", "felt before. it was a mixture of fear, the", "feeling when you start falling from a roller", "coaster, and the feeling when you're about to", "shit your pants.", "david pulls it out all of the way and my asshole", "turns into the fucking niagara falls. wet shit", "starts flying everywhere. all over him, my legs,", "his new bed, the floor, and probably his fucking", "cat. everywhere. and god does it smell. all of", "that fried seafood i ate in florida hid in my", "colon and was making a break for it. i’ve never", "smelt something so putrid come out of my body in", "my life. i’m about to puke.", "i look back and david is covered in my wet,", "rotten seafood shit. david is dry heaving,", "sprinting to his bathroom, but doesn't make it;", "he pukes on his living room floor.", "i have no idea what to do. i need to get the shit", "off of my legs, but at this point, i need to get", "the hell out of there. i’m frozen.", "after throwing up, david runs into the bathroom,", "almost slipping on the mixture of his vomit and", "my shit on the way. he closes the door and turns", "the shower on, mumbling “shit” under his breath.", "then, i jog to his living room bathroom, use sink", "water and all of his toilet paper to wipe the", "shit off of me, and put my clothes on.", "i walk over to david’s bedroom bathroom and the", "door is locked. i knock and ask him if he’s ok", "and if i need to get him anything. he coughs out", "a yes and that i just need to get the hell out", "and that he’s never going to have sex with a guy", "ever again. with the stench of rotten seafood", "still in the air, vomit on the floor, and shit", "stains on his new bed, i slap all of the money in", "my wallet ($70) on his living room coffee table", "and leave.", "so here i am, beginning to write this to you all", "after showering the rest of the shit off of me. i", "fucked up. i really did. i tried to text him, but", "he, understandably, has not responded. i might", "even have an ear infection. tifu.", "edit: i posted this yesterday, but it got deleted", "because it wasn't the weekend. hopefully it won't", "get deleted now." ]

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[ "this happened about 20 minutes ago. it's my", "birthday party today, and me and a few friends", "are going to some cool event. since i'm an [only", "child,](https://www.reddit.com/r/askreddit/commen", "ts/6k9k2s/comment/djkokd3)", "our family car isn't big enough to hold all of", "us, and so we called an uber.", "anyway, being the immature childlings we are,", "none of us want the 'bad' seats. so when we see", "a six-seater pull up in the parking lot, all of", "us (except one) sprint towards it. anyway, we", "burst in and two of us get in. the dude looks", "*really* freaked out and so i (host) think to ask", "\"oh by the way, is this car reserved for [name]?\"", "basically: \"no, so get the fuck out of my car", "you creeps.\"", "whoops. we gtfo of the parking lot and hide", "behind a cabin in embarrassment." ]

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[ "so this is ongoing as of now. a sink in the", "kitchen has been leaking so today i decided to", "take care of it. i tried to turn off the water", "supply lines under the sink but they haven't been", "used in a while and as i feared one of them began", "to leak as soon as i turned it.", "now needing to fix a leaky faucet and replace a", "valve , i had to go and turn off the water main.", "i found a wrench and screwdriver and headed to", "the front yard to give it a crank. it closed", "about 3/4 of the way, but got stuck. this", "doesn't really help so i gave it some more", "muscle, still nothing. this is when stupid crept", "in. rather than slow and steady i got a hammer", "and slammed it onto the wrench.", "the main valve did indeed move, too much though", "as it broke off the bonnet and the water pressure", "sent it sailing into my face giving me a", "delightfully bloody black eye.", "the water department is now outside trying to", "stem the geyser and, once they are done, i still", "have to go and get the stuff to replace the broke", "valve and leaky faucet." ]

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[ "preface:", "several years ago, i was hit head on by a drunk", "driver. my entire right side is still messed up", "and i was dumb enough to continue with physically", "high contact jobs.", "this past week:", "up and down ladders. my back is stiff and sore", "but i soldier through. used to the pain by now.", "today:", "woke up early and decided to stretch out the", "injuries. after these stretches/pt, it's common", "knowledge to not aggravate the muscles. after", "about 30 minutes of this, i head off for my usual", "morning poo.", "as i'm dropping the dead, a rather large spider", "appears, with babies on it's back. i, of course,", "freak out and start pounding away with a random", "boot in arm's reach and only squish half of the", "intruder and her army. [had i been phsically", "able, i would have trapped her and shucked her", "and her creepy clan outside.]", "i make one final lunge and the pain shoots up", "from my ass to between my shoulder blades and i", "am unable to effectively get off the shitter.", "i accept gross defeat, run my $30 ass squirter,", "and crawl through an acrano-mine field. a few", "babies start to crawl on me and i'm desperately", "trying to blow them off.", "get to the kitchen, pull myself up, grab a", "handful of ice packs and head/crawl back to bed.", "*yes i checked before i crawled back in bed. yes,", "my ass is clean." ]

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[ "so this happened last night. nsfw!!!!", "me and my girlfriend were sitting around last", "night tying to think of something to do, and i", "came up with the awesome idea to go to the local", "sex shop and get something so we can have fun", "tonight. on the way there she tells me she wants", "to get me a little butt plug and wants me to put", "it in while i fuck her. i wasn't excited about", "it, but for whatever reason figure why not.", "so we get to the store, look around for a while,", "then get to the giant wall of anal toys. she's", "trying to get me to pick one, and i'm honestly", "pretty shy about being in public and buying a", "butt plug, so i quickly pick a small one that has", "a little hole you can stick your finger in and", "wear as a ring, idk why i picked that one, it", "seemed right at the time", "fast forward a few hours.. we picked up a bottle", "of tequila on the way home and smoked heavily, so", "i was feeling pretty frisky. we start doing our", "thing, i do forplay for her first, then she gets", "to me. after giving head for a while she tells me", "to roll over, i know it's game time, and i've", "prepared myself for this now, so i roll over,", "hike my ass up, and tell her to do it. she lubes", "me up good, and slowly works the toy in, didn't", "feel too good to be honest, but it's in there.", "so we start having some serious sex, really hard,", "squeezing, choking, breathing heavily, rolling", "around, and i feel the butt plug 100%. this is", "going on for a few minutes and i slow down for a", "minute to catch my breath, and when i do i", "realize the buttplug feels completely different,", "it doesn't hurt anymore, i could actually barely", "feel it, so i go to grab the little ring hole and", "it is not there. i immediately pull out and start", "looking all over the bed for it, and i can't find", "it. i tell my girlfriend what's going on and she", "has me bend over so she can see if she can see", "it, she can't of course. so i go into full freak", "out mode because i do not want to be the guy who", "has to go to the hospital for getting something", "stuck up in his ass. so i run in the bathroom and", "try to make myself poop, and after a solid 30", "seconds of pushing, sure as shit the butt plug", "pops out and drops to the bottom of the toilet." ]

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[ "*edit - thank you anon for the gold!", "i'm finally past this enough to write about it.", "i've been rattled by it for days... and i don't", "rattle easy. this will be long, and i apologize", "in advance.", "preface: i'm renovating an old brownstone in", "brooklyn. these are row houses, all connected to", "a common and old-as-the-city sewer system.", "earlier this week i decided to try shore up a", "vertical section that had sagged, and broken some", "of the retention straps that reinforced it.", "luckily this was on a branch of plumbing we", "weren't using, but still. i'd be bringing in a", "plumber to do the actual fitment work, but this,", "i felt, couldn't wait, as it was an absurdly", "large cast iron stack weighing hundreds of", "pounds. (8\" pipe out to the street which is", "about double what is really needed for", "residential.)", ".", "so lets paint the scene. i'm wearing a cheap-o", "led head-lamp, which is at best pretty dim.", "20-30 lumens, tops. the basement is very dark", "and shadowy, with a few bulbs, off in the main", "part of the basement, and that's it. this pipe is", "coming down from several floors above, and is in", "the darkest corner of the basement.", "i'd been noticing some \"water bugs\" (a polite", "name for the largish flat american cockroach that", "often inhabit basements. different from the", "brown, german roach that will invade your", "cabinets, but no less gross. )", "now, to keep things in context - \"some\" to me at", "this point was more than one, alive, at a time.", "so - several is a more accurate description.", "nothing infestation level. several. a few. a", "handful.. given the age of the house and how", "long it's been empty - not unexpected.", "i hate bugs, by the way. i've broken bones, had", "wounds deep enough to require multiple layers of", "stitches, and was hit with the gut wrenching", "realization that human flesh smells like hot dog", "when cooked, by unknowingly grabbing a freshly", "welded piece of metal. i'd rather go through", "any of that again, than have a bug of significant", "size crawl across me. (shudders) - my irrational", "fear here will maybe explain some of the poor", "decision making you're about to read.", "so anyway - as i start attaching a retaining", "strap to the lowest portion of cast iron pipe", "stack, i hear it. i'm not aware what i am", "hearing, but i'm hearing something. we'll get to", "that in a minute.", "i'm crouched inches away from the stack, about to", "stand up so i can bear hug this thing into place", "and relieve the strain it's been putting on the", "supporting brace and other straps.", "ever play a horror video game? where you have a", "flashlight as your main or only source of light?", "how you have to scan slowly, with only a small", "field of illuminated vision? that's my lighting", "situation down there, in this corner.", "there i am, face about a foot away from this", "pipe, with a small cone of light as my only", "sight-line. as i raise my head upward, revealing", "a small portion of the pipe at a time, something", "is off about what i'm seeing. my brain just", "isn't putting it together - so i adjust my", "headlamp a bit and lean in a bit closer, looking", "up along the length of this pipe - pitch black", "becoming suddenly illuminated in a slow reveal as", "i sweep my sight and light across. that's when i", "realize i'm seeing shadows. time itself slows.", "shadows of antennae. hundreds of pairs of", "dancing, twitching antennae - exaggerated both in", "size and apparent movement against the wall", "behind the pipe by the stark directional light of", "a head lamp led. it also occurs to me what i've", "been hearing. that white noise, barely audible..", "the rustling of leaves, etc... that was the", "sound of these bugs.", "what was likely just a few seconds stretched on", "for me until i actually felt myself \"snap out of", "it\" and i jump up and backward, away from this", "small corner of hell.", "i'm not okay at this point. i slowly withdraw to", "regroup. i hate bugs.", "i locate a big ass jug of bug defense spray", "(intended for keeping yard bugs out of the", "house.)", "i locate my brightest flashlights.", "i prepare for battle.", "steeled for what i have to do - i head back down", "and re-evaluate the situation. okay, there", "weren't really hundreds of pairs of antenna -", "just a few dozen. the bugs were clearly just", "hiding on the back (dark) side of the pipe", "because i invaded their space with my led light.", "realistically - how many can fit behind there?", "and they weren't that big - maybe 1-1.5\" long or", "so.", "i can do this.", "the bug spray is just a hand sprayer attached to", "a gallon or so jug. i tentatively give it a", "squeeze, aimed in the general direction of the", "back of the pipe. i still need to wrestle this", "thing into place, so i'm hoping to scatter these", "few dozen bugs so that i may continue the repair.", "i'm still not prepared, clearly.. but i had no", "idea yet.", "so anyway - i spray a single shot, tentatively.", "fucking. apocalypse.", "with a few thousand lumens of light on this pipe", "now, the bugs with nowhere to go or hide, and", "some asshole spraying an irritating chemical at", "them - they erupt from behind the pipe. they", "start dropping down to the floor. the rustling", "which was barely audible earlier, is now frantic", "- and my fear response is lighting up. as i start", "squeezing that spray trigger with more urgency, i", "have only one thought:", "\"what have i done\"", "i could have, and should have walked away. gotten", "something stronger to deal with this. *hired", "someone qualified*... but no - there i am", "spraying the shit out of these bugs with", "something that only barely seems to be killing", "them, slowly.", "then i see it.", "as i work my away around the side of the pipe,", "with all the extra light i've brought - from a", "different angle i can see that the pipe had", "developed a large gaping crack, running almost", "the length of the pipe. it's wide enough to fit a", "hand (flat) through it.", "i'm not simply fighting a few dozen bugs hanging", "out on the backside of a pipe - i just declared", "war on an unholy army of", "direct-from-the-nyc-sewer-system roachbeasts.", "...so i spray a few shots directly into the hole.", "so, hey - remember that scene from the mummy,", "with brendan frasier? when the scarabs swarmed", "in ocean-like waves and devoured people?", "this was kind of like that. the previous", "response i had triggered was a puny apocalypse.", "very tiny indeed.", "bugs.. nay, angry roachbeasts from the seventh", "level of hell... are spewing out from inside the", "pipe at this point. they're forcefully ejecting", "themselves from this sewer main pipe, and due to", "the inconvenience of being cramped quarters with", "nowhere to go - they're all around me. under me.", "on. me.", "i'm spraying and stomping and spraying and", "stomping. i'm sweating like crazy. i hear my own", "heartbeat in my ears. my fight or flight response", "is at full throttle. i may have been screaming -", "i can imagine some combination of terror screams", "and war cries. i was alone, so this is", "completely unverified - but let's assume i was", "screaming. and spraying. and stomping.", "my forearms are burning from squeezing this damn", "trigger by now(and switching hands as i get", "tired). my breathing is heavy. i'm wearing", "down.", "so - remember game of thrones - the epic battle", "scene at the wall from a few seasons back? the", "war drums. the battle horn. when the wildlings", "brought their giants and wooly mammoths?", "yup. so my barely effective poison juice that", "i've been spraying in and around the pipe must", "have worked it's way down to an as-yet unknown", "layer of the netherworld - which brought forth", "the giants desperately trying to escape that pipe", "of mild discomfort.", "now, my friends from down south will tell me that", "a two-and-a-half, maybe three inch \"palmetto bug\"", "is pretty fucking normal - but not to this city", "boy they aren't. watching these things emerge", "from a pipe as you're fighting a war to save", "humanity itself is pretty damn demoralizing.", "i'm ready to give up. let them take me. i imagine", "myself being slowly devoured by these giant bug", "beasts.", "it's at this point that my logical brain takes", "over from my emotional one, and i start grabbing", "newspaper, rags, and anything else i can find and", "start stuffing the crack. i stem the tide of", "bugs coming out of the pipe, and concentrate on", "the ones that are now wandering aimlessly,", "slowly, across the floor. more stomping and", "spraying, but less screaming.", "the spray was working, eventually. it wasn't", "strong enough to kill instantly, but did kill.", "this will become a source of regret - but i'll", "explain in a moment.", "with the adrenaline rush gone, and dying roaches", "carpeting the basement, i finally have enough", "presence of mind to ask myself - what the hell am", "i even doing? i grab some duct tape, a big piec", "of carboard, and hastily start taping it around", "the pipe/crack. i pour the remaining part of the", "gallon directly into the pipe, close it all up,", "and go upstairs.", "i didn't talk the rest of the night. my wife,", "when she came home, knew something was wrong, but", "didn't prod too much and let me be. i was rattled", "beyond measure. just typing this out made my", "skin crawl all over again. she laughed the", "hardest she has in a long time when i told her", "the story the next day but i wasn't totally okay", "for a day or two.", "so fast forward a little - the gift that keeps on", "giving. seems like this product is a slow, long", "lasting killer. 4 days out now, and i'm still", "finding dead or dying roaches. i clean them up,", "come back later, find more... repeat. the rate is", "slowing down - instead of a couple dozen every", "few hours, we're down to about 6-8 emerging over", "night.", "haven't called anyone in to replace the main yet,", "because now that i see the severity of the crack,", "that changes the way i'll need to approach it.", "i'll have to open up some walls upstairs, and i'm", "betting the entire stack has to be replaced, roof", "to basement. i've decided instead to enjoy my", "long 4th of july weekend, and mentally recover", "before revisiting.", "thanks for reading." ]

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[ "so, the fuck up happened two months ago, but i", "didn't realize it until just hours ago.", "i adopted a pair of female guinea pigs about a", "year ago. they were given to me by a friend who", "was looking to get a dog, and didn't want to keep", "the guinea pigs and the dog at the same time. two", "months ago, one of the guinea pigs died. in all", "my research, i read that guinea pigs do best in", "pairs, and can become depressed or irritable when", "they're lonely, so i thought it would be best to", "get a new companion for my remaining guinea pig.", "instead of going to the pet store, i called my", "local humane society to see if they had any", "female guinea pigs in need of a home, and sure", "enough, they had one. i went there, picked her", "up, and they adjusted very well. everything", "seemed fine.", "then in the past couple weeks, i noticed my", "original guinea pig eating more, and putting on", "weight. i chalked it up to the fact that her", "recently deceased sister was kind of mean, and", "sometimes ate all the food. i thought she was", "probably just eating more, and made a note to", "stop giving them so many treats.", "then a few hours ago, i heard little squeaking", "noises coming from the cage. i was concerned,", "because it was different than the usual noises", "they make. i checked it out, only to find that my", "original guinea pig had given birth to three", "little ones, and she was cleaning them.", "after minimal googling, i found that it's", "actually not that hard to tell the sex of a", "guinea pig if you know what you're looking for,", "and someone at the humane society could have", "saved me some trouble if only they'd literally", "spent five minutes on the internet.", "update: daddy went back to the humane society", "this morning. i was rather upsetti spaghetti", "about it, but i thought i didn't really have any", "other choice, as i caught him already trying to", "get more buns going in the oven. however, my", "sister found a friend who wants a pig, so she", "will go pick him up tomorrow, and will take the", "boy piglet as well in three weeks when he can", "leave moma. my sister is taking one of the girls,", "and i'm keeping the other. i want to thank", "everyone for the advice and support, as this has", "actually been a rather stressful 24 hours. monday", "morning, i will be calling my local vet (who", "takes care of guinea pigs) to give mother and", "children a once over and double check the sexes.", "also, [pics](http://imgur.com/a/hc08a) for those", "interested." ]

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[ "this technically happened yesterday but it was a", "few hours ago so i guess it was today in a sense,", "anyways, i was watching tv and noticed that i", "wasn't wearing my glasses, i didn't want to miss", "anything so i darted across the kitchen and into", "the hallway. this is where i slipped up.", "literally. as i was turning the corner, my legs", "swooped out from under me and i fell in the", "hallway, my knee slammed into the drywall and", "punched through 2 layers of it. luckily the only", "thing that was hurt was my pride as my entire", "family saw the incident unfold. now there is a", "giant hole in the wall where my knee slammed.", "it's kind of ironic considering i slipped and", "fell trying to get my glasses. when i wake up", "tomorrow, i got a nice little project to work on", "patching up that hole." ]

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[ "so this is still happening. my husband and i live", "out on a farm but work in a city so every year we", "host a big bbq party for all our city dwelling", "coworkers to visit the countryside.", "i just started a new job and invited all my", "office, we are expecting 70+ people including", "company directors. a coach has been hired to", "bring those out who don't have cars.", "yesterday i took off work to prepare food -", "masses and masses of potato and pasta salad,", "pre-cooking meat etc. as i stood in the kitchen", "chopping and mixing all day, i had a beer in", "hand. good, strong 8% beer. and another and", "another.", "at one point, my brother-in-law shows up", "uninvited, and not to help, which really", "irritates me so i switch to tequila.", "then i'm feeling really good and finally done", "with the food prep, a neighbour invites me over", "to a goodbye party for their daughter who is", "moving overseas. i vaguely remember a bottomless", "glass of something bubbly in my hands.", "next thing i know, i'm curled around a bucket,", "puking my guts out. that was 8 hours ago. i'm", "still here with the bucket and the alcohol", "poisoning is going strong. i can barely move.", "and i have 70+ people showing up here in a couple", "hours, including bosses. yay." ]

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[ "you know how everyone has that one \"party\" story?", "the one that, no matter how hard you try, will", "never be topped? well, i'm a second year college", "student who attends a university that likes to go", "by the mantra of \"work hard, play hard\", and this", "is that story.", "a couple of weeks ago, i was invited to a pretty", "big annual event at my school that had a", "reputation of having a pretty wild afterparty. my", "buddy (let's call him dewey) had just finished", "his semester and i hadn't, so he was pretty bored", "back in our hometown. i figured that, since he", "had nothing to do back at home, i would bring him", "to the afterparty and he could crash back at my", "dorm for the night, have a good time and all", "that. and we did. we had a fucking fantastic", "time. even made it back to my dorm in one piece", "somehow. i thought we just went back and crashed,", "but apparently some serious shit went down after", "the party that i didn't hear about until later,", "and by then there was nothing i could do except", "laugh and think \"there's no way that happened.\"", "so fast forward to the morning after. it's windy", "as all hell outside and dewey and i are sitting", "at a dining hall having some delicious hangover", "food. suddenly, this conversation comes up:", "\"dude...i did something last night.\"", "\"what did you do?\"\n\n\"something...something bad.\"", "\"dewey, what the hell did you do?\"", "then he hits me with what actually happened that", "night after we left the party. apparently, i was", "too blacked out to remember, but he definitely", "wasn't. and once he started recalling the story,", "i began to remember the shitshow that transpired", "afterwards. to this day, whenever i tell this", "story, people don't believe me...until i show", "them. but i'll get to that later.", "so we leave the party, stumble our way back to", "the dorm, and get into the elevator, since i live", "on the 7th floor. we get out of the elevator", "without incident and kind of just plop down in my", "floor's lounge, which was thankfully empty. seems", "alright. but then dewey throws up. fucking.", "everywhere. on the couch, on the study tables, on", "the floor, on the goddamn walls...no surface was", "safe from his wrath.", "at this point, i'm already disgusted and thinking", "\"oh fuck, he's my guest so i'm responsible for", "this oh fuck oh fuck housing probation here i", "come\". but then it got worse. it got so much", "worse.", "after the pukepocalypse, he then says he has to", "\"go\". so i hand him my id card so he can swipe", "into the bathroom, which i should mention is a", "mere 20 feet away from us. but he turns me down", "and says, \"nah man, i gotta go now...like right", "now...and it's gonna be a big one\".", "dewey then opens my lounge window, sticks his", "buttcheeks out, and proceeds to release the", "kraken all over the side of my precious dormitory", "building. and when i say release the kraken, i", "mean it. the immediate assault to my senses told", "me that it was easily the most disgusting toilet", "slammer i've ever been witness to in my entire", "life, including my own. imagine every terrible", "shit you've ever taken multiplied by the fiery", "passion of a thousand burning suns. it was like", "watching the slime fall and splatter everywhere", "on the nickelodeon kid's choice awards. the sound", "it made was awful too, like something just died", "and these were its final gurgles. just the", "fucking smell alone probably could have killed", "most small animals.", "he finishes unleashing his unholy intestinal", "sewage all over the side of my building while i", "sit there just agape but too drunk to do anything", "about it. then we nonchalantly stroll back to my", "room and promptly pass out.", "back to the present: i'm horrified. disgusted.", "never in my life would i have imagined i would be", "privy to anything like this. but eh, what's done", "is done, fuck it, no harm done right?", "wrong.", "i make my way back to my building and ride the", "elevator up so that i can relax and nurse my", "hangover. in the elevator, i hear this", "conversation between two girls:", "\"i can't believe someone did that to our lounge.\"", "\"yeah, that's the most disgusting thing i've ever", "seen...it smelled pretty bad in there too. the", "cleaning lady says it's either really bad throw", "up or something way worse.\"", "\"do they know who did it?\"", "\"i don't know, but they must have been living", "higher up to hit floor 4. at least it didn't get", "inside or anything.\"", "now i'm curious. and i think i know exactly what", "happened. so i get off on the fourth floor, enter", "their lounge, and lo and behold, i see [this", "masterpiece.](https://imgur.com/gallery/2dkna)", "yep. that's dewey's shit. smeared all over the", "window of the lounge three floors below me.", "apparently, some people were peacefully studying", "at 3 in the morning the night that this shit went", "down when all of a sudden...wham, dewey's butt", "babies slammed into their window hard enough to", "make the glass shake. the wind must have hurled", "it sideways mid-descent, causing his work of art", "to splatter onto their window with a resounding", "thud.", "i take one good look (and smell), snap the", "picture, and flee to my room practically dying", "from laughter. then i tell pretty much all of our", "friends back at home because, come on, how do you", "not tell everyone about that? i didn't tell any", "of my college friends though, i don't need that", "kind of blood (poop?) on my hands, and for good", "reason. admin heard about it and basically put", "out a warrant for the capture of whoever did the", "deed or for anyone who helped them do it. i", "basically had to be on my toes for the rest of", "the semester in fear of being charged as an", "assistant to this assailant of justice. people", "from other dorms eventually heard about it and", "began sullying the good name of my building,", "calling it \"shit central\" and other hilarious", "names.", "they didn't just forget about him either. for the", "rest of the year, the \"phantom shitter\" became", "something of a legend. no one knew who it was,", "but they know what he did, and what he's capable", "of. his legacy lives on--in me, in you, but", "mostly in the shit smears he left trailing down", "the side of my dormitory. those are a little bit", "harder to wash off." ]

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[ "i've been looking for some new jobs for not too", "long and been putting my resume out there. i got", "an acceptance from a company and setup an", "interview with the company. however, when looking", "further into the position for research purposes,", "i didn't like what i saw.", "they kind of mislead by using a different name. i", "won't say what they called it, but it was", "actually just an insurance salesman position. and", "it was 100% commission. everyone mentioned that", "you basically go without or with little (i heard", "figures as low as $80) pay for the first few", "months and then you either quit or make a little", "more.", "i heard that and thought it wasn't for me. i'm", "not a salesman, i don't want to go out all day", "and bug people, and i can't trust being on a", "commission only salary. i actually make more", "currently as i am still employed. even if i", "wasn't, unemployment would pay me more.", "so, i planned on canceling. but, i made a", "mistake. i had thought it was next thursday so i", "planned on waiting a day or two to send the", "cancellation so it didn't seem so bad. you know,", "didn't want to send an immediate cancellation.", "turns out that it was this thursday so i didn't", "send it till after the interview. frankly, i", "never realized because it was so weird. when she", "said thursday, i assumed it must be next", "thursday. why schedule an interview just two days", "in advance? that's what i get for assuming.", "only noticed my fuck up when i opened my mailbox", "to send it and saw the interviewer asking where i", "was yesterday.", "that left me going \"fuuuuuucccccckkkkk!\" it's one", "thing not to want a job and cancel an interview,", "it's another thing to completely miss it. it's", "also a decent company too. this isn't a", "multi-level marketing scam company, this company", "is a fortune 500 company and has been around for", "over a hundred years. and, to make matters worse,", "the person who was contacting me was a partner at", "the company!", "i immediately apologized and said i had planned", "to cancel but had forgotten to send the mail. i", "said i had thought i sent it monday. turns out i", "set up the interview on tuesday!", "ugh!", "this turned out so bad! i think i'll send a", "follow-up where i'll explain that this really", "doesn't reflect me and that i didn't intend to", "waste their time. that i really thought i had", "canceled and only afterwards found out that i had", "forgotten!", "i mean, i really didn't want the job. no one", "wants to sell insurance. i'm almost done with the", "cpa, ya know, and got some big 4 experience. but,", "it really, really doesn't help accidentally", "missing an interview with a legit company when", "you're in contact with one of their partners!", "it would be one thing if i canceled by e-mail, as", "i planned, or, if i realized earlier that it was", "thursday, gone there, attend their 2 hour class,", "and politely declined. whole neither thing to", "forget completely with your only excuse being \"i", "intended to cancel earlier, sorry!\"", "then, she shot back to me, very polite, and", "explained that said she had no idea what i had", "heard there wasn't a salary. and, looking back,", "it did list one, but now i'm just confused as", "everyone on the internet said this job, despite", "its name brand, doesn't offer a salary and is", "commission only, even one who one-for-one", "described the process i was hired under for the", "same position in the same town, then she says", "there is one. though, i did see one view where it", "literally said \"partners should make it clear", "that training allowances are not salaries\" or", "something like that. so, that could have been a", "thing." ]

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[ "posting on my drugs and sex account, obvious", "reasons.", "happened sunday night - waited until the weekend", "to post.", "the wife and i have been pretty sexually", "adventurous for some time, but anal is mostly a", "sidebar -- the occasional \"special\" night when", "she's feeling frisky. we had recently bought a", "number of chinese sex toys and the wife and i had", "been using them all with our \"special female", "friend\" who we'd meet on weekends. anal was", "something the \"friend\" enjoyed, so i think the", "wife wanted to play along more too.", "additionally my wife had never done drugs. a few", "years ago she tried pot and then got a medical", "card in our state. uses it at night for actual", "medical reasons, and sometimes for a little fun.", "also, recently, to celebrate our mid-life crisis,", "we started experimenting with a lot of other", "things. she didn't like lsd, but loved", "mushrooms. \"natural.\"", "fast forward to monday night. i'm in the middle", "of a 35mg marijuana edible, and the wife is", "eating small handfuls of .33mg mushroom pills,", "channeling her inner shaman. after deciding that", "the medium plug was comfortable, she asked if she", "should try the larger plug. *[nothing huge,", "maybe 2\" wide.]* no! try the vibrating one, i", "said.", "shortly after inserting the vibrating plug, we", "learned quickly that it didn't have a wide enough", "flange.", "in it went.\n\nall the way.\n\n**all the way**", "prodding from inside the vagina and entire", "bottles of inserted lube failed. i could touch", "the lip, but there simply wasn't the sort", "of...room...to get a grip on it with a finger.", "squatting over the toilet and sitting in warm", "baths failed.", "eating another handful of mushrooms to relax (!)", "didn't help.", "made an executive decision to sleep off the drugs", "and try in the morning.", "call the ob-gyn kenobi or if it didn't remove", "itself \"naturally.\"", "1:35pm, wife passes plug. sends photo.", "i blame myself for getting the wife into anal and", "drugs.", "**can't seem to get the spoiler tag working right", "on the image, so...**", "[not work safe link to final", "result](http://imgur.com/a/n5an0)" ]

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[ "(this happened some time ago) i was over at my", "parent's house, at a little family get together,", "and my mother, my father, and my uncle were", "gathered, my dad and uncle were drinking and", "watching tv, and my mother was doing some project", "on her computer. well, she goes to save it, but", "she cannot find her flash drive, so she asks me", "if i have one, i happened to have mine, as i was", "planning on finishing my college work, so i let", "her borrow one of them. well, i had more than 1,", "and i happened to just grab one and let her use", "it. well, it turns out, the one i let her borrow", "had some of my porn on it! oh shit. well, she", "goes to save it, and goes to open it up, but", "clicks on the wrong file, and well, one of my", "porn images opens up, and it's not one of the", "regular ones that opens, nope! the one that opens", "up, is a furry one! it is an image of this", "bipedal squirrel chick kneeling, and just going", "to town on her pussy, while she smiles in", "pleasure! she gets this weird look on her face,", "then utters \"this wasn't what i was looking for\".", "my dad and uncle see it, and start rolling in", "laughter, and i am mortified. that was definetly", "not what i wanted anyone to see!" ]

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[ "so, this happened exactly on this week", "(25/06/2017), also, pardon me for any english", "problems you might find, since english isn't my", "native language and it's really late here and i", "promised myself that i would post this here.", "well, for a long time i was checking some", "destinations and locations to stay for my", "vacations in my country, and after finally", "convinced my wife to try something outside", "hotels, we selected a nice and comfy house that", "looked perfect **by the pictures** for my wife", "and 5 year old son to spend one week. it looked", "clean, comfy, secure and it also had a pool, a", "perfect match for a couple who like to spend a", "reserved family time.", "after 3 hours of car traveling we finally reached", "our destination, where we could see a small", "property with 3 or houses, and while we kept", "driving to the parking location my kid started to", "say very cheerfully \"look dad! there's dogs", "here!\" which raised my first worrying point", "*since my kid is afraid of dogs.. if i knew about", "dogs here i would never rent that house.*. but", "ok, lets keep going, i had to put my kid over my", "shoulders while two dogs kept jumping on me, not", "on a aggressive way, of course, just excited dogs", ":), that ripped my shirt that i only noticed", "later. but that's not a problem right? lets not", "ruin a vacation because of a shirt and dogs that", "freely walk around.", "so, after knowing the owner of the house, which", "is a very calm and welcoming person, he gave the", "key of the house for us, which i was excited to", "see it! but... as soon we entered the house, our", "expectations went down to the hole...[ stained", "sheets and pillows, spiders, webs", "everywhere](https://imgur.com/a/6tnv8).", "but ok, let's not ruin our vacations right? since", "my wife and i are used to go camping and i used", "to participate on music festivals like universo", "paralelo or boom festival, i could consider that", "we only needed to go to a store on a nearby city", "and purchase new sheets for us. but of course,", "why not just drop our things inside the house and", "go enjoy the pool? in order to relax from a long", "drive. the pool part could be perfect. but for my", "surprise, the dogs not only followed us but also", "entered into the pool, i mean, they did not jump", "inside the pool, but prevented me to let my kid", "play on the part that he could stay on his feet", "on the pool.", "but let's not allow that ruin our experience", "right? no stained with flies blood or other", "stains webs, spiders, dogs jumping on us and at", "our kid ruin our vacations. so we decided to go", "back to the house, organize our things and go out", "to the city, which was awesome :) best part of", "the trip!", "and after we got back to our place, we slept and", "and at the", "next morning we decided to have our breakfast on", "the balcony, which of course wasn't possible", "because of the dogs. so my solution was to play", "with then far away while my wife and my kid could", "eat in peace.", "so far so good, i'm having a good time with the", "dogs when suddenly i hear my wife screaming for", "me. it turned out , [those flowers on the right", "side of the picture](https://imgur.com/a/kzjap)", "hides a wasp nest, which started to attack my", "wife and son after he, while playing with his", "soccer ball, had the bad luck to hit the part", "where the nest was. but for our luck, my wife had", "the dad reflex to run inside the house which kept", "those wasps away. we spent the rest of the day", "out, on a friend's house which for our luck, is a", "nurse and could take care of my wife and kid.", "but since i'm a optimistic guy, lets not allow", "that ruin our family vacations right? right?", "[even if my kid spend all the night with extreme", "pain because of the stings and developed an", "allergy because of", "it.](http://imgur.com/a/gqcle). on the next", "morning, i went out to check if it was safe to go", "out, and it was everything fine. i decided to do", "small breakfast just for my kid and i, since my", "wife wasn't able to sleep at night because of the", "stings.", "so, there i was with my kid, and while we started", "to eat our sandwich, again, the dogs approached", "us peacefully, and i was willing to give then a", "chance to stay near us, since i was playing with", "then on the previous day and they are good dogs.", "i started to try to calm my kid saying that the", "dogs would not hurt him... you know what", "happened?", "dog almost chopped off a chunk of my son leg", "while he tried to take a bite of the sandwich.", "that was the limit for me. we packaged our things", "up, and by luck we managed to find a place to", "stay on the next 2 days. since my son wasn't able", "to stay seated for long periods ( for those days,", "he wasn't able to walk, i had to carry him around", "for everything )", "also, i reported the situation to the customer", "support of airbnb in order to receive a refund ,", "but the onwer of the propertie refused it of", "course, [saying that what i said was a", "lie](https://image.prntscr.com/image/zruqt_wdqgi8", "w8exvi6xta.png).", "so, after spending 400+€ on the rental of the", "house, 30€+ euros on new sheets for the house,", "50€+ euros in medicines for my wife and son, we", "managed to managed to receive the refund only for", "the nights that we don't spend, and a 50€ coupon,", "isn't that awesome?", "i'm not sure if this is allowed here, but i just", "wanted to share my history." ]

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[ "obligatory this was actually today.", "so in the bakery i work there was his one dude in", "kind of trashy clothing who was hanging out. he", "came up to the counter a few times and always", "said he was \"just looking\".", "a few hours later i realize he is still in the", "store. i start to get suspicious, my retail", "senses are tingling. he is just leaning against", "the wall watching the deli area. my manager", "passes by, and i motion him into the production", "back area. i tell him about this guy who has been", "hanging out acting weird for 4+ hours, and he", "laughs and explains the situation.", "apparently it was our loss prevention specialist,", "or lpo, who is hired by the store to hang out as", "a \"customer\" and catch shoplifters in the act.", "when my manager walks back to the main area he", "beelines straight for the dude, and tells him", "that he's so good at his job that he is making", "associates think he is a shoplifter.", "we all had a laugh at my expense." ]

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[ "hello reddit. boy, do i have a story for you. so,", "i was home alone just chillin' on the net when my", "mom and grandma got home from their weekly", "grocery shopping trip. i went outside to see if", "they needed help with carrying in the groceries.", "they were both in awe of a group of baby quails", "chilling by our basement door. i looked at them", "and giggled a little bit. i told my mom to make", "sure when she goes inside not to let any of them", "in. she ignored my warning, and turned the knob", "to go inside. of course, a quail got in. we all", "got into panic mode, and knew we were in for a", "ride. especially considering this is probably the", "messiest room you've ever seen.", "so, our next half an hour was spent trying to", "work together to get the quail out. we tried", "soft-talking to it, we tried imitating chirping", "sounds, heck! we even tried luring him out by", "playing mother quail calls on my grandma's", "laptop. nothing worked. eventually, my grandma", "handed my mom a flashlight, and she spotted him.", "i went to get a drink of water, and when i came", "back, my mom had the quail in her hands. we all", "let go a sigh of relief, and my mom went to the", "door.", "she opened the door to let it out, and my grandma", "went along. i opened the door a teensy bit to see", "him off. i couldn't see, so i opened the door a", "bit more. next thing i know, 4-6 other baby", "quails charge into the door at full speed,", "leaving me jumping up and down in the air", "terrified hoping they won't hurt me. i didn't pay", "attention to the fact that i was jumping on my", "grandma's laptop that whole time, so i hope it's", "okay.", "my mom missed the action, but my grandma and i", "could've sworn we saw at least 4-6 quails get", "inside. half an hour later, i go back downstairs", "to check, and my mom and grandma have caught four", "quails. i personally think that i saw at least", "five come inside, but then again, in the heat of", "the moment, i could've seen double.", "we've given up now, and we hope we caught them", "all. my grandma and mom have gone out now to", "resume their shopping, and will continue to look", "again when they get back. if we find another", "quail, i'll get back to you guys, but otherwise,", "it'll forever be a mystery. so, if you can't", "already tell, tifu'ed severely.", "(ps: hellfreezer, if you're reading this, you", "already have my permission to use this story in", "your video. :)" ]

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[ "now, this happened years ago, when i was about 10", "(sorry it's so late) and i was at my best friends", "house for his birthday.", "we were playing some capture the flag, because he", "lived in a dead-end street, right in a house at", "the end, we had a flag in his yard, and a flag", "down the bottom of the street in a tree. it was", "just after lunch and everyone else was inside. i", "thought i'd be a little bit sneaky and take the", "flag then bolt on one of their bikes (their dads", "a hoarder kinda guy, so they had about 5 that", "worked there) so i made sure there was a bike", "ready for if i had to get out fast. i thought to", "myself \"everyone else is inside and it'll be", "easy\" that's what i thought.", "so i go and get the flag, it was in their", "tree-platform and i struggle climbing down from", "the tree. at that moment i see everyone on the", "other team death stare me through the glass doors", "leading to the backyard. i run. some of the kids", "run out the front to catch me on the way down and", "some into the backyard. i had planned to just", "cruise down the street with the flag on the bike.", "but i got on that bike and i pedaled as fast as i", "could. i eventually thought i was free and i", "start to ease my grip on the bars a bit. as most", "people might suspect., this is where the fu", "happens. i was still going really fast so i put", "the brakes on, (it was one of those bmx bikes", "where you push the pedals back and the back tire", "stops) and i rode up onto this grass bit and", "braked so hard i skidded for 10+ metres and went", "off of a gutter, flipping, and landing face-first", "onto a road. i get up, and there's a car coming.", "luckily both me and the bike didn't get hit. i", "start walking up the street and the other ctf", "team run towards me and start tagging me in an", "attempt to get me out. i pull my hand away from", "my face and all my fingers are covered in blood.", "there was blood all over me. i had 2 stitches and", "a fracture in my skull. while the fracture wasn't", "too bad it hurt so much for the next few weeks.", "now, i always wear a helmet, mountain biking,", "skating, whenever i go to that friends house. i", "never want to experience anything like that ever", "again (even though it's too late, but let's save", "that tifu for later)" ]

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[ "so a couple of years ago i used to do tennis", "coaching for kids aged 4 to 15 and each school", "holidays we would run a 2 day coaching clinic", "with games, lunch and the works.", "i was looking after about 15 kids and there was", "one game where i would basically have all of them", "against me, i would hit them easy shots and see", "if they could get them back. the very first kid i", "hit a ball to, a little 5 year old girl just", "closed her eyes and absolutely hammered the ball", "about 20 metres straight up in the air. being a", "grass court, there was obviously sand on the", "court and i cool, calm and collectively started", "strolling to get the shot back. i then noticed", "that it was only just going to make it over the", "net so i had to start jogging, then sprinting to", "be able to get to it. i then realised that even", "if i was able to get to the ball, there was no", "way i was going to be able to stop before i hit", "the net.", "cue me hitting the ball over, my face meeting the", "top of the net like a ball in a slingshot and", "then being close-lined, then have everything go", "black.", "i woke up an undeterminable time period later to", "my fellow coach asking me if i am okay and 15", "kids pointing and laughing at me on the ground", "covered in sand." ]

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[ "fuck-up was a few days ago.", "i'm currently working on a short film with a", "group of comics and my home has become the go-to", "point for meeting and storing all the props and", "equipment. being the absurd film it is, my dining", "room is full of all your normal set props—seven", "gallons of pinto beans, a handsaw, maple syrup,", "extension cords, and one silicone, flesh-colored,", "veiny, suction-cupped dildo.", "jump to a few nights ago, my brother comes by and", "i, naturally, start to show off our favorite", "member of the crew. i'm sticking it to the walls,", "shaking it around at him, throwing it around to", "see if it will stick. he is more than a little", "grossed out and uncomfortable (it's an uncanny", "valley thing more than an \"ew dicks\" thing) and", "my girlfriend is on the couch laughing and", "shaking her head at us.", "at one point my brother kicks the thing flopping", "across the room so that i'll leave it alone. we", "go about our night until it's finally time for", "him to go home.", "and here's where the fuck-up happens.", "as he's he's grabbing his things, i make a break", "for the dildo. he sees me and makes a run for the", "door. across the room from him, i grab the veiny", "monster tip-first and, mid-turn, hurl the chubby", "wonder at him like a throbbing, fleshy tomahawk.", "i see he's only just reached the door. i've made", "it in time. i've won.", "and then my heart sinks.", "even the marksman i am, i didn't account for the", "balls. bottom heavy as it is, the dildo sinks,", "still spinning, and is no longer on its path to", "my brother, but has set a new course, its", "trajectory clearly aiming square at my", "girlfriend's face.", "and then it hits her like a bad pun.", "i'll never forget the sickening thud of silicone", "against skull as the dick hit her right between", "the eyes, sending her glasses across the room.", "i'd have done anything to stop it, to take it", "back. her glare cut through my and my stomach", "jumped into my throat. but in that moment . . . i", "couldn't stop laughing. doubled-over, misty-eyed", "gasping laughter.", "my brother ran out the door and down the steps", "before she had a chance for retribution,", "stranding me here to suffer it alone.", "she's not too mad anymore. it just gave her a big", "headache and i apologized profusely once i could.", "it has spawned a new household rule though: no", "throwing dicks in the house." ]

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[ "about my background.. i am a 19 year old german", "male, 1st year in university, studying jura", "(laws&rights).", "this story happened about 5 years ago, i was 14", "years old and was on vacation at a teenager camp", "(dont know the right word for it, in german its", "ferienlager) in italy.", "i went there without any friends, but met a few", "people on the way there. this was my first trip", "beeing alone in a different country.", "the camp lasted nearly 8 weeks, but i only stayed", "3. we lived there in small wooden houses on a", "camping place. 4 people share one house, about", "15-20 houses in total.", "usually we would spend the days going to the", "beach or playing volleyball, football and some", "card games. the entertainers and persons in", "charge prepared programms for us teenagers, but", "we didnt used them too frequent. after dinner we", "had a lot of time were we could basically do what", "ever we want, nobody checked on us, so we usually", "went in to nearest city and bought alcohol.", "i have to say that at this time i wasnt used to", "drinking alcohol, who is that at the age of 14", "haha..", "first i tryed just a bit and didnt wanted to get", "drunk, since i knew what crazy shit some people", "do when they get drunk.", "so a few days in i was more confident to try", "more, nothing happened. to get an idea, i drunk", "about 5 shots of tequila and a couple of beers.", "so a relativly huge amount for a 14 year old guy", "who never drunk before.", "the fuck up happened about 5 days before i would", "leave. i got more and more comfortable drinking,", "everything started at a programmed trip with a", "boat where we were allowed to drink sangria (in", "germany this drink is illegal for people under", "16) in front of the persons in charge and", "entertainers. everybody got a huge cup about 0.5", "liter and it was completly filled up with", "sangria, cool as i was i asked for a second one,", "lying that i didnt had one yet. later all of us", "went to the beach and we grilled sasauges and", "steaks and stuff like that. we were also allowed", "to drink the rest of the sangria there, to keep", "track i already had 2 liters of sangria at that", "time. after that we started dancing and stopped", "drinking for an hour or so.", "back at our camp we already had 3 bottles of", "vodka and 2 bottles of tequila and a few more", "stuff ready to go. so 6 of us started to play a", "little drinking card game called magicbus, ring", "of fire and some other stuff.", "the only thing to mention here is the game", "magicbus, a game that really forces you to drink", "a hell of a lot. the person who showed it to us", "told us that he never saw someone winning it.", "the game uses 27 cards which are placed as a", "pyramid with 3 layers, so 9×3 cards. 1 on top, 2", "below, 3 in the middle, than 2 and 1. 3 times", "layered.", "you have to guess on the first layer which colour", "the card has (red or black, so 50/50) the card", "below you have to guess if its below, equal or", "bigger than 8 (cards were randomly picked from a", "set of (2- ace) so a 1 in 3 chance. the last card", "you have to guess which one it is (2-ace) so 1 in", "13. and after that you have to move to the next", "pack of 3 cards and repeat. if you fail all cards", "get flipped back and you start again, u also have", "to drink 1 shot for every card.", "the goal is obviously to flip all 27 and you have", "to remember all cards, which will get really hard", "after you lose like 5 times at 7 or more cards", "haha.", "anyway a friend and i played it together and", "actually managed to flip all 27 and won. together", "we emptyed 2 bottles of vodka and a half bottle", "of tequila.", "so about 20 minutes after the game i started", "feeling really drunk and felt sleepy so my", "\"friends\" took me to my bed and i layed down in", "my clothes.", "from this point on i dont remember anything but", "they told me the next day..", "they found me 2 hours later in the bathroom", "naked, sitting in my own vomit, chilling next to", "a huge piece of shit. i probably tryed to take a", "shit and missed totally and yeah i dont know what", "the fuck i was doing..and up to today i dont know", "how i got naked.. when they found me they pushed", "me into the shower, they told my i was crying the", "entire time and didnt wanted to get out of the", "shower.", "in the mean time they cleaned up for my, thanks", "for that but one of the guys was so funny to pick", "the shit up covering it in my t shirt throing it", "into the trashbin.", "they put me back into my bed and cleaned the rest", "up. at the next morning i had to go to the camp", "leader and he told my parents and gave me the", "longest roast speech you could imagine. atleast i", "didnt had to go home.", "funny fact my parents found it really funny and", "werent even angry for what i did, only that i", "drunk to much and hopefully learned my lesson.", "after the camp my parents even wrote a letter to", "the leader of the camp that they will sue them", "because they allowed me to drink alcohol. they", "offered us 300€ and kicked the guy who roasted", "me.", "good thing i wasnt there with any friends, they", "would tell this story to everybody and would fuck", "me up.", "i dont drink any alcohol since 2 years, i learned", "from this event and want to point out to always", "keep track of how much you drink, you dont want", "to go throu this aswell." ]

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[ "this actually happened last sunday. at first i", "didn't want to post it since i'm a regular on", "reddit gifts, but remembered that i had this", "throwaway, and decided it was too good to not", "share. also had to wait until weekend.", "i've been very busy lately with cpa exams and as", "such i generally spend my weekends at the coffee", "shop to try to get some work done since it's", "generally too loud at home. the particular place", "i frequent is a few towns over, but well worth", "the drive since they not only serve drinks", "(mostly coffee, but some alcohol after hours) but", "also have a very good lunch selection, so", "basically i have no need to really leave. i start", "off in the morning with a cup of coffee and a", "pastry, finish it up and begin my lectures. over", "the course of the day i have a few more cups of", "coffee, a smoothie, a cup of coffee with", "bailey's, and a pizza before i call it a day well", "spent.", "i go home, text my girlfriend to see what she's", "up to. we talk for a while, then lets me go while", "she watches a movie with her friend. seeing that", "i now have some free time i decided to continue", "watching my anime that i've been telling myself i", "need to finish already. so i sit down to watch,", "but as i'm watching something terrible happens.", "my stomach hurts like crazy and it's apparently", "that i've got the good ol' shits. i see there's", "only four minutes left of my show, so i power", "through it and run to the toilet.", "now, i advise anyone eating to not read any", "further, because this is where it gets really", "gross. normally when i'm taking a dump it's a", "pretty pleasant experience, usually listening to", "some porter robinson while playing angry birds.", "this wasn't the case this time. i rip off my", "pants, sit down, and unleash hell into my toilet.", "i feel my stomach sink and all the bad decisions", "i've ever made in my life blink before my eyes as", "the semisolid chunks of regret fill the toilet.", "the smell then hits me. it's nasty, i quiver and", "gag as i take a short break to flush the remains.", "curious, i look into the toilet, wondering how", "such a small man could create such a beast. i'm", "not done yet though, i take a deep breath, clench", "my fists and pound my feet as round two", "eloquently swan dives out of my asshole. i'm", "gagging again, and even though i know there's", "more, i have to flush again. i think about my", "girlfriend and shed a tear knowing that i may", "never look into her eyes again, and feel bad", "about how busy i've been studying. i then remind", "myself that i have to live. i think about my life", "and remind myself what kept me going when i was", "severely depressed. \"i can't die\" i tell myself.", "i promised myself a vacation like last time, and", "it turned out to be the best trip ever, dammit", "boy you're not dying without seeing korea! i let", "out a grunt and unleash the dragon. while it was", "probably the worst moment in recent events, there", "was also a sense of pride \"holy shit, you're", "doing this!\" i tell myself... that is until some", "water splashed back and hit my nuts.", "i'm immediately in utter disgust, and not", "thinking rationally i grab what i usually use to", "clean wounds, 91% isopropyl alcohol. i reach into", "the sink cabinet, get the alcohol and douse a", "cotton round. i start first drying the area with", "a wad of toilet paper, then follow up with a nice", "alcohol scrub. at first i feel nothing, and then", "it gets cold. now, i've taken a piss after", "handling habanero peppers, which is pretty bad", "but the pain from the alcohol was way worse. it", "stung and burned, feeling like a dozen pins", "poking at my scrotum. i'm now crouched over the", "toilet in pain bending forth and cupping my balls", "while literally only inches away from my own", "filth. i want to die, fuck going to korea, all i", "wish for is the sweet release of death. the smell", "is unbearable, i have to do something; with all", "my strength i stand up and flush the toilet.", "eventually my balls stop hurting and even though", "it feels like they were burned off, they're still", "100% intact. i wiped my ass and to no surprise it", "instantly became soaked and required most the", "roll. i've been back to the coffee shop since...", "god have mercy on my soul..." ]

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[ "this happened about six months ago, but i'm more", "of a lurker than poster, so i never thought to", "write this up until now.", "i live in nj. as those of you who have driven in", "this state may know, [it's illegal to pump your", "own", "gas](http://mentalfloss.com/article/74549/why-can", "t-you-pump-your-own-gas-new-jersey).", "every station is full service, which has its", "plusses and minuses. one of the minuses involves", "having to wait for attendants that are sometimes", "less than pleasant to get around to your car if", "the station is busy, or otherwise voice their", "opinion on something you don't want to hear. my", "encounter involved both factors.", "i was driving a jeep with a roof rack, and before", "i left for the gas station i noticed something a", "little unsettling on my hard top. it looked like", "one of the resident hawks in my neighborhood", "(yes, some of nj has wildlife.) had a rabbit for", "lunch while perched on my roof rack. the crime", "scene included bits of fur, skin and a vertebrae.", "i was in a minor rush before a long drive, so i", "figured the mess would clear itself up during the", "trip.", "when i pulled up to the station, the attendant", "complained i parked too close to the pump,", "because he had to sort of crab walk between my", "fender and the concrete island with to undo my", "gas cap. the remainder of the exchange went as", "follows:", "gas guy: \"you're too close.\"", "*knocks on my fender*\n\nme: \"ok.\"", "gg: *puts filler hose in jeep and walks back to", "my front fender area*", "\"you're too close\" *knocks on sideview my mirror*", "\"if i bump into this and it falls off, you're", "going to want money. next time don't park so", "close.\"", "me: *staring daggers at this point because of the", "implication, and the fact he's knocking on my", "vehicle*", "\"don't worry, there won't **be** a next time.\"", "i think my response and the look on my face", "caught him a little by surprise. at that point he", "walked to the rear of the jeep and noticed the", "aforementioned animal bits.", "gg: *grabs window squeegee and begins to clean my", "front windshield*", "\"you're a very nice man! thank you.\"", "prior to that visit i'd been to that station many", "times, and nobody has ever bothered to clean my", "windshield. as he finished, the pump clicked off", "and the attendant ran over to hand me my debit", "card and receipt in a way that could only be", "described as \"with purpose.\"", "i haven't been back since, because i try not to", "give my money to dicks." ]

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[ "this happened about half an hour ago.", "i run an education website and was looking for", "bloggers to partner/advertise with. i follow a", "pretty basic formula in all of my emails, and was", "trying to send out as many as possible so i just", "made a template in microsoft word and copy pasted", "that to each one. then i finish by telling them", "what i like about their site, and asking them if", "they want to work with me. most people don't", "respond, so speed is key.", "what i didn't know, was that my girlfriend", "installed a chrome extension that made it so any", "time i typed \"?\" it would change it to \", you", "fucking idiot?\".", "so, any time i asked someone if they wanted to", "work with me, i also called them a fucking idiot.", "i somehow didn't realize until about 15 emails", "in. [here's the greatest", "hits:](http://i.imgur.com/ng3t1ck.png)", ">thanks for reading this email, i really", "appreciate it. does this seem like something your", "readers would be interested in, you fucking", "idiot?", ">\n>let me know! and have a great day!", "-", ">i really like how you preach the importance of", "one on one work with the parent and think my", "product could help your readers. do you think", "they would be interested, you fucking idiot?", ">\n>enjoy your sunday, hope to hear from you soon!", "-", ">i really enjoy reading your blog and would love", "to work with you. does this sound like something", "you would be interested in, you fucking idiot?", ">\n>let me know! and have a great day!", "-", ">i like how much you emphasize parent-child work", "for school and life success, and think your", "readers could really use my product. would you", "want to work with me, you fucking idiot?", ">\n>let me know! enjoy the rest of your night!" ]

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[ "backstory: i've been working extra hours to hook", "up my car audio system and picked up some", "overnight shifts. i installed a bluetooth head", "unit, soundproofing, autostart and subwoofers.", "i got off work today at 7am when others were just", "coming in. so i autostart my car around 6:45.", "previously i was bored and i'm a perv so i was", "watching some xvideos. around 6:50 i go outside", "and a few of my co-workers are having a smoke so", "i stop to chat.", "as we're talking we can hear the faint sound of", "porn but no one knows where it's coming from. we", "laugh about it for a bit and i say bye and head", "to my car. as soon as i open my door all you can", "hear echoing across the parking lot is \"yes yes", "fuck my pussy yes yeeeeeeeees!\"", "apparently my head unit auto connects to the last", "thing i was listening to on my phone and", "autoplays it. they were pretty much on the ground", "laughing as i fumbled for the mute button." ]

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[ "part 1: i was solo backpacking in the upper", "peninsula of michigan, right off of lake", "michigan. it was my first night out of three", "nights and as i was cooking dinner, i saw a big", "black bear off in the distance. it looked at me,", "and gave me a big whiff. i went back to cooking", "cous cous and the bear left. a little later, as", "i'm eating, i heard some crashing a few feet", "behind me and there the bear was. i clashed my", "pot and spoon as loud as i could and told it to", "go away. it lumbered off.", "part 2: i finished cleaning up and started", "hearing all this crashing by my campsite and got", "nervous. i grabbed two big rock to crack together", "as i walked over to my site yelling \"hey bear\".", "what i saw next was a little bundle of black fuzz", "sitting on top of my ruined tent and the only", "thing i could think is \"oh shit, where'd the", "mother go?\".", "i walk away to go hang my food up and figure out", "what to do from there. i can hear the mother", "stalking me because bears are not stealthy. she", "then bluff charges me and cracks her teeth at me", "and was blowing out of her nose. i raise my hands", "above my head to make myself as big as possible", "and crack the rocks as loud as i could (until", "they broke).", "she continues to circle me and charge me, getting", "a little bit closer each time. she's also", "stepping on small saplings and breaking them in", "my face to blind me. while i'm blinded she'd run", "behind me to sneak closer. next thing i know", "we're face to face. she's standing on two legs", "and is taller than i am (5'6\") and probably has a", "good 100 lbs on me. she then got on all fours and", "hit the back of my leg.", "after she hit me, i momentarily lost my fear and", "screamed at her like a dog to go away. she laid", "down on a log looking at me, and decided i wasn't", "worth her time and walked off.", "part 3: so i had been bare foot while cooking", "dinner because i used to do that. so my shoes and", "headlamp were in the tent, with the cub. so i was", "blind with no shoes and it was raining pretty", "hard. thankfully i was wearing all my rain gear", "and warm clothes because it was about ~39of. i", "decided to walk back towards the trailhead", "because there was a couple camping there. i walk", "next to the lake so that i don't get lost, and", "use the light refracted from the water. my feet", "get shredded pretty quickly because the beach is", "all sharp rocks.", "then, as i'm walking i can smell the bear", "following me (think funky dog). she follows me a", "while before i turned a bend and she ambushed me.", "she cornered me against a rock and i fell into", "the water. i thought i was done. i got lucky and", "found a rock and threw it, which scared her off", "long enough for me to climb up the rock (it was", "about 4 feet tall and served as a fortress), and", "grabbed three more rocks to throw.", "she ran back and forth in front of me making", "angry bear noises and kept trying to climb up a", "little ramp to get to my rock. i'd throw a rock", "near her and it kept her at bay until i ran out", "of rocks. at this point all i could do was scream", "for help and pray i wouldn't get electrocuted", "(there was a huge electrical storm by this point", "and i was really exposed).", "she eventually left me in a disheveled,", "hypothermic mess and i fell asleep for as long as", "i could. unfortunately as i was getting down from", "my rock i felt into lake superior and got", "completely soaked, and i just got colder. the", "next few hours i spent trying to navigate the", "rocks with a heavy pack. she may have attacked me", "one more time but i was hallucinating by then. i", "finally fell in the lake for a third time and was", "too tired to carry all of my food so i cashed it", "under some rocks.", "i passed out after burrowing under a pile of pine", "needles and dead trees with my pack (the one seen", "in the pictures!). i lost the ability to feel my", "arms , and didn’t have the energy to shiver", "anymore and i knew i was about to go into a", "hypothermic coma.", "i forced myself up and kept hiking. i remembered", "my cell phone (miraculously didn't break in the", "water, and yes it was a nokia brick) and used it", "as a flashlight, which got me to the other", "campers who i shyly woke up started bawling. they", "helped warm me up and hiked me to the trail head", "because i couldn't walk very well.", "i made a report, the ranger dropped me off at my", "dad's hotel. i got a bacon cheeseburger, and then", "slept for 18 hours. in hindsight, i probably", "should have seen a doctor." ]

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[ "it has just happened. i am using a local bus to", "visit my parents. i am sitting next to a woman", "with her boy on her lap. i was reading another", "tifu about opening porn in the class. i laughed", "it off, and then i was reading comments. and some", "dude wrote \"she tried everything. check out her", "post history.\"", "at this point, i don't know what i was expecting.", "i clicked at her name, u/itriedeverything.", "accidentaly clicked on comments section, then i", "made a exhausted sound and clicked post section.", "went on scrolling down and immediately shut it", "off.", "it was too late. that little boy has seen it all", "and asking it to his mother. like \"i wanna see", "them!\" i am still next to them and i have like 1", "hour long road ahead of me.", "to top it off: i am living in a country where", "people are mostly muslim and nudity is a top", "taboo.", "thanks u/itriedeverything" ]

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[ "been in the academy 3 months, we have to wear", "baseball caps that say \"police academy\" on them", "whenever we are outside. when we go inside we", "tuck the caps into the back of our pants to hold", "them. i ate mango habanero wings at bdubs last", "night and had explosive diarrhea this morning so", "i decided to poop before going into class. went", "to the stall, pulled my pants down and spewed", "lava for 20 minutes. when i was done i stood up,", "turned around to flush and noticed something", "under all the shit. then noticed the words \"pol\",", "was confused for a good 30 seconds before it hit", "me. drill instructor yelled at me for being", "outside without a cover, asked me why, and", "instead of the usual \"no excuse sir\", i told him.", "he laughed for 5 minutes, first time i've ever", "seen him smile. he gave me a new cover and told", "all the other instructors who now call me \"shit", "head\"." ]

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[ "this occurred last month in dubai.", "prelude: i'm american. i've spent a lot of time", "working in the middle east. i have good friends", "of mine that work and live in dubai. i started my", "three-week vacation with flying from my work", "location in erbil, iraq with a 12-hour layover in", "dubai on my way to paris. it was a thursday", "night, which in most middle eastern countries is", "their friday, so everyone's out and about. i have", "not consumed alcohol for seven weeks due to work.", "the amount of drinking below is not critical, but", "i think it's worth noting as i thoroughly believe", "in liquid courage. additionally, i am only", "mentioning the gender of my friends below to", "paint a picture. here's a timeline of events.", "9:31pm: only one seated at table for 4 for", "reservation at 9:30pm. orders first cocktail.", "9:48pm: first friend, a female whom we'll call", "sevilla arrives. cocktail 1 finished. cocktail 2", "ordered.", "10:15pm: rest of the party, females cali and", "dailan (china) arrives. cocktail 3 ordered.", "11:45pm: dinner, cocktails 3 and 4 and shots 1-4", "of don julio silver tequila consumed. uber to", "bar/club to watch dj satori perform commences.", "12:25am: shot of tequila, corona (only shit beer", "in dubai), and espresso martini (cali bought it", "for me as i mentioned i had a headache) all", "consumed.", "3:00am: many drinks have been consumed. satori's", "set was legit. fortunately for me, my company put", "me up in the same hotel where the club was. at", "this time my good friend barcelona (male), has", "just shown up for the night stone cold sober", "after work and wants to have a beer and a meal.", "this works out perfectly, as i have a flight at", "7:15am so i can eat, drink, and make my way to", "the airport and sleep like a baby on the flight.", "3:15am: the five of us: sevilla, cali, dailan,", "barcelona, and i decide to go back to my hotel", "room order room service, adult beverages and then", "go our separate ways. the hotel staff, however,", "stops us at the elevators. now, i have seen this", "before with hotels in dubai; prostitution is and", "has been very rampant in this city for a while,", "so it's normal for hotels to deny guests the", "ability to bring any additional guests to their", "room if they haven't already been checked in. i'm", "drunk and a little offended, probably took it a", "little personal that they would think of my", "friends as prostitutes. regardless, i'm still in", "a cheerful mood and there's a late night spot", "that serves food in the lobby and i'm able to", "order beers to my room and sneak them down to the", "restaurant. win-win.", "5:00am: cali and dailan have departed. sevilla,", "barcelona, and i are smoking a cigarette in front", "of the main entrance of the hotel and we bid", "farewell to one another.", "5:02am (storytime): i need to get moving if i", "want to make my flight. on my way back to my", "room, i decide to stop at the front desk in the", "hotel lobby. i'll arrange for hotel", "transportation to take me to the airport and will", "settle my invoice now to save time. to the right", "of me, i see this attractive woman in a dress and", "she's holding a canadian passport. she is in", "tears and pleading with the hotel staff to let", "her upstairs to her room. the room is not under", "her name, i hear the hotel staff chide. this is", "when the alcohol consumption and my tolerance for", "injustice took hold. almost all prostitutes are", "from eastern block countries or of thai or", "filipino descent in dubai and abu dhabi. some of", "the higher class prostitutes i have encountered", "happened to be from scandinavian countries; these", "women are difficult to distinguish as working", "girls and many have actual day jobs. either way,", "this sobbing, pleading damsel in distress is not", "one.", "i decide to go on a three-minute straight, kanye", "west-like rant with every other word being \"fuck\"", "or \"fucking.\" the hotel manager and staff", "valiantly try to calm me down, pleading for me to", "watch my language. the gist of this tirade went a", "little bit like this:", "\"this is fucking bullshit. you guys have some", "seriously fucked up rules. there should be an", "exception to every rule, and this is one of them.", "this woman is in tears, those are actual fucking", "tears! you all should be ashamed of yourself.", "she's no fucking julia roberts, she's not fucking", "getting a fucking academy award...\"", "so on and so forth until i was interrupted. the", "woman turned to me and said \"hey baby, i like", "you, i'll be waiting for you outside.\"", "i without hesitation stop my rant and address", "this canadian passport holding prostitute and say", "\"you go ahead and wait outside. i'm going", "upstairs grabbing my shit and heading to the", "airport to fly my ass to france and eat some", "fucking foie gras. i'm getting the fuck out of", "this country.\"", "she leaves and at this point i get a good look at", "the woman settling my bill, the nightshift", "manager who has been asking me to stop cursing", "for the last three minutes, the two beefy", "security guards, and all of the other hotel lobby", "staff as well. they are all looking at me like i", "am the biggest asshole they have ever seen.", "5:20am: awkwardly walks through lobby on the way", "out of hotel; proceeds to wave and force", "unwarranted fist bumps with hotel staff." ]

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[ "throw away because my family has my reddit i", "think. like most posts in this subreddit, this", "didn't happen today, it was the night of new", "years eve. that night was something i’d been", "looking forward to for a while and as a high", "school senior i was ready to go out and drink", "with my friends and girlfriend. i had just turned", "18 and felt like a grown ass man, so naturally", "when i left the house my mom’s words of “keeping", "myself under control” went in one ear and out the", "other. my parents are quite strict and i knew", "that they would be picking me up around 1:30 am", "but honestly i didn’t think much of it. all i", "knew was i was going to have a good time.", "9 p.m.: i picked up my girlfriend from work and", "we made our way to our friends house. upon", "arrival, we went straight for the bacardi. i", "hadn't eaten anything all night (fuck-up number", "one) but as i said, i honestly didn’t care about", "anything but enjoying myself.", "10 p.m.: after a solid hour i still was fully", "sober and wasn’t feeling anything, so i kept", "knocking drinks back with the thought that i", "wasn’t having enough. everyone seemed having a", "good time except me and i was pretty bummed so", "the concept of limits went out the window.", "11 p.m.-12 p.m.: that shit hit me like a fucking", "pile of bricks. after this point, i remember bits", "and pieces of the night. i remember seeing the", "ball drop with my girlfriend and i remember lying", "down in the grass outside (i have no idea why).", "for the rest of the night i spent most of my time", "lying down on my friend’s living room floor, but", "according to my friends i was completely done. i", "couldn’t make complete sentences, i was falling", "everywhere, it was hard to get me under control.", "1 a.m.: my friends got us an uber to my other", "friend’s house. i was long checked out and i", "don't remember much of anything past this point,", "just a few moments. my parents arrived to pick me", "up at 1:30 and i didn't realize how south things", "were about to go. my parents instantly started", "asking complex questions and poking and prodding,", "looking for substantial answers because i was", "visibly drunk. after fumbling over my words for a", "solid ten minute car ride they brought me up to", "my room and made sure i got in bed. my dad told", "me that at this point they were irritated because", "i hadn’t respected what they had told me earlier.", "out of all the moments i don’t remember, this had", "to be one of the moments that i do recall: my mom", "was sitting on my bed to make sure i was alright.", "as she leaned down to kiss my forehead, all hell", "broke loose and vomit erupted from my mouth and", "all over her lap. my dad, who was standing at the", "foot of my bed, yanked me by my ankles to the", "ground, in an attempt to save my sheets of any", "more vomit. they stood over me, yelling furiously", "while i laid on my back in my own vomit. i don't", "remember anything after this but some how i woke", "up clean, in clean sheets, and clean pajamas (99%", "sure this was the work of my parents, and not  a", "extremely drunk version of me, but shoutout to", "them for doing that because i'm sure, other", "people would’ve just left me there).", "9 a.m.: facing my parents the next morning was", "the most uncomfortable i have ever been and i", "don’t think i have ever seen them more", "disappointed. i have been grounded since and", "truly, i got off easy because they could have", "smashed me with punishment. i have never felt", "worse about doing anything my whole life. seeing", "the disappointment in my parents eyes was enough", "of a punishment. honestly, i don't think i'll", "ever live this down and i will hear about it from", "my parents and two sisters for the rest of my", "life." ]

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[ "obligatory, didn't happen today, actually happened", "14 years ago.", "having been booted out of my mum's to make space", "for the newly born sister i moved in with a", "couple of friends who were slightly older than", "me. one day the guy came home with a big bag of", "(i'll just call them drugs). after a bit of", "persuasion i agreed to try them.", "half an hour after taking them i felt nothing, an", "hour later the same. i took a bit more, still", "nothing. pretty pissed off i gave up and went", "back to farting about with the computer. at the", "end of the day i went to bed thinking nothing of", "it.", "cue 7:33am the next morning. i awoke, shot right", "up in bed and started to feel a buzzing in my", "head, worse still my arm was slightly contorting", "and felt like my head. i smashed through to the", "flatmate's room \"what the fucks goin' on with my", "arm\", he just shrugged. after a couple of minutes", "it subsided.", "turns out, instead of getting me high the drugs", "triggered epilepsy. not the photo-sensitive kind", "but the kind where you're awake for the first", "half of the seizure. this begs the question of", "the readers, would you rather black out randomly", "and have a fit or be awake through the hell of", "the seizure for awhile? the first is more", "dangerous to the individual however, waken", "seizures are not just uncomfortable they also", "trigger the fear (err, what ever part of the", "brian) resulting in you feeling the horrible", "effects of the seizure and fearing for your life", "at the same time.", "for the next 7 years i had seizures every 30 - 33", "days until finally i had a seizure that last the", "best part of an hour an awoke in hospital. up", "until this point the doctor didn't think the", "epilepsy was real or a concern at least, not", "after that seizure though. now it's well manage", "by anti convulsants.", "0/10 would not try this again.", "edit: from reading the responses it's clear that", "i was ignorant of the potential consequences. i", "was 16", "edit: i regret nothing!", "edit: ok, i don't like the outcome but life's an", "adventure, gotta take risks now and then." ]

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[ "so my father and i were traveling to florida a", "couple of months ago, planning on doing diving,", "spearfishing and fishing. we had been preparing", "for weeks ordering brand new dive equipment,", "fishing gear and a new spear gun. we called the", "airline to make sure that we could bring three", "checked bags per person, they assured us we", "could.", "next morning when we got to the airport the", "clercs assured us that it was only 1 bag per", "person as the runway was short meaning they can't", "have too much weight. so we are forced to repack", "our bags on the curb, slimming down from 6", "checked bags to just 2 meaning we had to dump", "some stuff (worth a lot of money) and put some", "back in the car. at this point we were nearly", "late and had most of our stuff sorted, all that", "was left was the spear gun. (side note: most", "spearguns are like big rubber band guns meaning", "that without the bands or spears they are", "basically just big pieces of wood or metal, in", "our case wood). then here comes the fuck up", "we decide that because it is just a large piece", "of wood as our spears and bands are in on of our", "checked bags, there will be no problem bringing", "it as a carry on. (side note: luckily, right", "before we went through security i noticed a dive", "knife in my fathers pocket. saving us from a", "definite swat attack at the airport.) so we go", "through security, see the machine stop as they", "pass the spear gun. the employee manning the", "x-ray stops, looks at the screen and picks up the", "white phone on top of the machine. after a couple", "of brief moments he puts that phone down then", "picks up the red phone nearby the machine. when", "he picks up that phone we look at each other", "knowing we fucked up. eventually 12 cops show up", "at the machine and officially detain both of us.", "my mind starts racing, are we going to be", "arrested? are we going to be tackled and brought", "to the ground as susceptive terrorists? are they", "going to bring us into one of those sketchy rooms", "and interrogate us? am i accidentally going to", "find another dive knife and we get put on the", "no-fly list? as time goes we have very little", "time until our flight leaves and are just praying", "that we will be able to make it. after a lot if", "deliberation, they decide to fine us send us back", "to the start of security and tell us to get rid", "of the speargun (we also learned later that my", "father lost his global entry and his tsa pre", "check because of this, i think there is a chance", "he is on the prospective terrorists lists). at", "this point we have no time to go back to the car,", "so we are forced to beg if they can tape our", "spear gun onto our luggage, and thankfully they", "comply. we then make our way back through", "security and just barely make it onto the plane.", "when we land and collect our stuff we discover", "that the trigger on our spear gun broke so we", "have to repair or buy a new one, making this the", "worst travel experience i have ever had.", "sorry if the grammar is atrocious, never been my", "area of expertise.", "edit: line breaks" ]

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[ "i'm so ashamed tbh", "so this happened three days ago. my girlfriend", "and i were in our apartment eating dinner, just", "like any normal night. about the cat though -", "it's hers, not mine. i fucking hate cats with a", "passion - so i was helping her wash the dishes,", "we finish and we go sit in the couch to watch", "some tv or something before going to bed. then i", "see the cat... walking slowly towards me. i was", "in a good mood so i let the devil climb up to my", "side. the abomination starts trying to get me to", "play with him, but i was getting sleepy so no", "luck for him. i start petting him a bit, thinking", "\"hey, maybe we can get along\" and i made the", "mistake. i touched the cat in the eye.", "and hell unleashed.", "i don't even know what exactly happened but", "according to my gf the fucking asshole decided to", "attack my lower back with his claws. it left 3", "serious cuts just where my spine is. thankfully", "i'm recovering and it wasn't very serious but", "damn, i'm not getting near that cat again." ]

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[ "this is the greatest fuckup i ever did to my horse", "(so far), he's a 2yo red roan appaloosa. went to", "the barn with a non horsey friend. i'm not so", "much of a horse person myself, i just know some", "of the basics in putting on a saddle and riding", "but still need guidance from pros. as usual, he", "was tied (we don't have stables) and a few feet", "from him is a very pregnant 4yo arab. no one was", "there to help me put on the riding stuff bc the", "in-charge was out. and i thought, meh i can", "handle this. and oh boy was i wrong.", "i was so happy when i installed the bridle coz", "most of the time i get confused which part goes", "where, especially how to place the bit. he looked", "comfortable when the bridle was on (this is the", "part i wish i opened his mouth to check) so i", "proceeded with the saddle pad and saddle.", "when i got on him and started to walk, i noticed", "he was moving his head a lot and trying to nudge", "my pants. i interpreted that as excitement", "(wrong!) bc he hasn't been ridden in a week and", "must've wanted to run around.", "we kept on walking (around 2 minutes) and he", "tried to speed up and shake his bridle off. he", "became more agitated and he was biting my shin", "this time. finally i noticed his tongue was", "sticking out!!!! i immediately realized i made a", "mistake in placing the bit and placed it under", "his tongue. it's supposed to go over the tongue.", "we went back to the barn and took off the bridle", "saw some blood and became over-the-top worried", "af.", "i was panicking and my non horsey friend was", "going to hand me the horse's rope when i", "accidentally let go of the temporary rope i tied", "him with and all hell broke loose as he ran", "towards the goddamn mare.", "i was screaming his name and said no out loud and", "just fuckin hoped he would walk back to me. the", "mare was kicking towards him (but not hitting", "him) coz my horse wants some sexy time but glad", "he got the memo and realized girl horse wasn't", "interested in him so he distanced himself. i", "wouldn't have known what to do if they kept doing", "that...", "found the right time to tie him and i was so", "happy he didn't resist.", "fed him with sweets once he was tied to his", "original spot and didn't notice anymore bleeding.", "he was eating grass after that so it seems the", "injury wasn't that serious.", "learned from my mistake, have to double check the", "bit next time." ]

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[ "dear reddit, tifu", "context : 1 month ago, i was working in my father", "buiseness. i didn't like it that much but i was", "doing my best and ended up being quite valuable", "in the company. but i was not feeling right, like", "i didn't really belong there. i have the", "reputation of being someone who needs other", "people (i don't usually do things by myself, and", "when i do them i take ages for me to complete", "them). so when i find an opportunity for an other", "job, that was in a foreign country and on top of", "that in my study field i jumped on it. i was now", "working in a shop for a guy who own a photography", "buiseness. at the beggining things are quite", "hard, working 6 days a week, using a foreign", "language (i am from france by the way). and", "living in a big city is quite hard... but i", "managed ! until my only weakness shows up, i have", "a terrible memory. i keep forgetting things, when", "someone shows me something i need to practice", "them at least 100 times to get it right. but in", "the end i feel like i am learning and i don't", "need that much help to do my job, until i totally", "forgot how to do a knot for a canvas... my boss", "start thinking i have mental health problem", "because i keep forgetting things (on top of that,", "i live at his place so let me tell you that", "living with your boss is the worst decision you", "could ever make). and i ended up being fired", "because i forgot how to tie a knot... i know feel", "like total shit. this was the first time i begun", "doing things by myself and i failed miserably." ]

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[ "so me and the wife were enjoying some early", "morning fun.", "when energy levels got a bit low, we pulled out", "the toy, to you know... help her arrive.", "anyway seems it hasnt been used for a while and", "the battery was dead. being the man i opened it", "up... well seems this make of battery was thicker", "than others and wouldnt easily come out.", "so i whacked it on the side and it came out a", "little. thinking, its clean and i can hook it", "with my teeth... nom, ive done it before...", "nope! i guess my teeth arnt as strong or i caught", "it wrong? ive chipped a tooth. its a front one", "too. luckily isnt all that noticeable unless you", "know its there.", "only killed the mood for a short time you will be", "glad to hear!", "plus the duracel we put in just falls out easy...", "wtf", "dont use cheap batteries ;)", "ps. tagging as nsfw just to be safe." ]

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[ "throwaway for obvious reasons.", "happened roughly 10 years ago, near this time of", "year.", "i was in high school, and my parents utilized a", "wood burning stove to heat the house during the", "winter months, to reduce the electric bill. my", "daily routine included taking a morning shower,", "and quickly grabbing my clothes and towel and", "moving into the room where the wood burning stove", "was located to get some very pleasant heat while", "drying off and dressing for the day. one morning", "however, that heat got a little too hot to", "handle. after a night spent gaming, i awoke via", "my alarm with probably less than 2 hours of", "sleep. groggy and pissed off, i willed myself out", "of the bed and into the bathroom to keep with my", "daily routine. everything was business as usual,", "with a heavy bit of fatigue thrown in. i finished", "my shower, grabbed my towel and clothes, and", "scurried into the room with the wood burning", "stove. while drying off, i was yawning very", "frequently, and stretching as one does while", "being extremely tired. however, this time, i was", "a bit too close for comfort to the stove, so to", "speak. mid stretch, i felt one of the most", "agonizing pains i'd felt in my existence. within", "milliseconds, i had already realized the", "disastrous error that just took place. i threw", "myself into the floor, screaming and crying in", "pain. moments later, my mother rushed to my aid,", "and by some sort of motherly instinct, and well,", "probably my hysterical reaction, realized fairly", "quickly what i had done. she quickly helped me to", "my feet and back into my bedroom. she brought me", "an ice pack and asked if it had broke the skin,", "or left a blister. to my amazement, it hadn't,", "but it was extremely sensitive to touch, and", "especially cloth. she realized that there was no", "going to school for me that day, and asked if she", "should let the school know. thinking that i had a", "test that day, i told her that would be a wise", "idea. \"yes i am, -----, -----'s mom, he's not", "going to make it to school today.\" \"is everything", "okay?\" the principle, (who was known for directly", "answering calls that came into the school, due to", "it being a considerably smaller school compared", "to other schools in the area) asked. \"well, he", "was getting warm by the wood burning stove while", "he was getting dressed and ready, and accidently", "got a little to close, and touched his privates", "to it.\" \"my god\", i heard through the handset,\"", "\"he's got all the time he needs!\" my principal, a", "male, had a empathetic side after all. a couple", "of days passed with limited movement and a whole", "lot of questions from my friends, and i was able", "to return to school, unscarred, physically, and", "with quite the lesson learned. it doesn't feel", "nice when you touch hot metal with skin." ]

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[ "sorry if this is long-winded, i'm not very good", "with words and it's been a really busy and", "stressful since the fu so i just threw down all", "the details to try and capture the situation.", "this actually only happened a week and a bit ago,", "on the 5th.", "for some background, i'm an 18-year-old", "first-year university student and have a job as a", "hockey referee. so, i was on my way home from a", "local rink after finishing a game at about 11pm", "so it was dark outside, and due to the recent", "blizzards, there was a lot of snow on the side of", "the road. i've driven/been along this route at", "least 100 times there and back over the last four", "years so i was going at a reasonable speed but as", "i was traversing around a particular corner the", "snow was not completely plowed off of the lane", "and there was still some on the edge of the road", "that cut onto the lane. i was cornering left so i", "felt the right half of my car slipping and losing", "traction. the next moments were a blur but i", "think i panicked and counter-steered too hard,", "turning the car hard left, and then", "counter-steered again too hard to try and", "correct. this left me careening to the right", "through the metal railing and into a dense forest", "area. eventually, all of my speed was stolen by", "the breaking of trees.", "save to say, my parent's car was completely", "totaled. i called my parents to let them know", "what had happened and when asked where i was i", "said, \"on the way home from (insert rink name", "here), intersection ____ and ____\" after 30 mins", "of me anxiously pacing back and forth and", "waiting, my parents finally arrived. i asked them", "what took them so long as it only takes around 15", "mins to get to the rink and i was on my way home.", "my parents were worried about me at first and", "when it was clear that i really was okay they", "were then fuming and asking \"why are you here?!?\"", "and \"what are you doing here?\" to which i", "replied, \"what do you mean? i'm on the way home!\"", "turns out i had missed a right turn and went the", "wrong way, on a road leading to some farm country", "or something. that was (partly) why i crashed,", "the route i normally take home is straighter", "(allowing for slightly higher speeds) and is a", "relatively busy road and so has been plowed", "clean. this farm road was the both curvy and", "snowy. then. my dad kept asking things like: \"are", "you sleepy? did you fall asleep? is that why you", "missed the turn? is it because you don't get", "enough sleep?\" since winter break had just", "finished it was true i had stayed up late many", "nights playing games like overwatch with friends.", "i could see where the conversation was going and", "that my dad was going to place blame on my lack", "of sleep and too much gaming, which is completely", "reasonable. i racked my brain and eventually was", "able to pinpoint the embarrassing truth.", "given the situation, i knew i had to tell them", "the truth, despite how embarrassing and", "disappointing it was (and cringe too since", "english is my first language and speaking about", "sensitive subjects in my parents' tongue is", "especially awkward). i straight up said to my", "parents, \"no it wasn't because i was sleepy or", "tired, it was because...\" and told them about how", "after the game i had just finished, which was", "female midget c (15yrs-17yrs), during the", "handshake at the end of the game, instead of", "saying \"good game\" like you're supposed to, one", "girl said \"you're hot\" as she skated by. i was", "really shocked and flattered as this was the", "biggest compliment i've ever gotten and i was so", "hyped after the game that when driving home i", "missed a turn and ended up down some unfamiliar", "road that was not fully plowed and curvy; ending", "with me completely destroying my parents' (only)", "car and screwing them over financially :(. to top", "it off, i had morning classes the next day.", "p.s. i narrowly missed an intersection light pole", "when careening off to the side at high speeds", "(only my back end whipped into it) so it could've", "been a lot worse.", "edit: thanks for the laughs guys! i wasn't sure", "if there was a point in putting this up on the", "interwebs but the laughs sure helped. can always", "count on reddit to make light of a dismal", "situation.", "edit #2: doing the same team again on the 21st,", "idk what to do.", "edit #3: thank you for gold!" ]

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[ "so i'm a member of a relatively mid to high", "(especially for me) costing membership gym", "roughly £89 or $108 a month. basically, today i", "went to the gym and discovered i didn't have my", "lock. damn okay.. so i (darn' you capt'n", "foresight) decided okay - the gyms doesn't see", "too busy - other people have left there lockers", "unlocked, if someone opens it they'll say oops", "this one full and close it - it'll be fine. so, i", "work out for maybe an 45 minutes, i now fancy", "going for a swim and sauna session - come down", "the stairs, changing room and i see my locker", "door is ajar,, hmm okay, i look inside and i see", "the clothes that i remember taking out of the bag", "are there in the locker and my coat and trousers", "are hanging up where i left them but my oakleys", "gym bag that contain my keys wallet and phone has", "gone.. ok don't jump to conclusions, there's a", "few things that could have happened, maybe", "someone took your bag out (honest mistake, human", "error, worst case some kids playing a little", "prank) and then put it in one of the empty", "lockers nearby so i thoroughly go along and pull", "open the locker doors - nothing, i go to the", "front desk and ask if a bag has been handed in..", "er no it hasn't. ok - i go back with 4 members of", "staff and we thoroughly go through the changing", "room - no joy. so i'm starting to feel that low", "sickness in the pit of the stomach. so i'm", "telling the staff \"i'm sure it's just an honest", "mistake - some guy was in a hurry and grabbed the", "wrong bag\" more to convince myself really - i", "mean this gym has controlled electronic access to", "get into the building, people don't just walk in", "off the street, even as a visitor they need to be", "registered, and surely someone who spends the", "astronomical figure of £90+ quid a month does'nt", "need to rob... ... these thought are rushing", "through my mind, i blithely ask to be let out to", "check if my car is still there - it is - - then", "the general manager comes up to me with my phone", "in hand - \"this was found in one of the changing", "cubicles..\" oh good that means.. wait ...", "thinking to myself wait.. i didn't go into a", "cubical to get changed and i definitely put my", "phone in the same zipped up compartment as my bag", "soo... someone would have had to have taken my", "bag into the cubical, closed the cubical door and", "then dilberately extracted my mobile phone, left", "it in the cubical and then left with my bag", "containing my car keys and wallet.", "i asked it it was possible to view cctv, the", "manager informed me that there was a delay that", "mean the footage is only ready to be viewed in", "the evening... something to do with video", "processing and storage etc.", "so i left my details and walked home (only 30", "minutes and the weather wasn't as downcast as my", "demeanour) with my towel, gym clothes and sports", "shoes in a plastic bag.", "so currently my car has been left in the carpark", "- i'm assured that they lock the gates at night -", "i've had to pay a locksmith to break me into my", "flat (£100) and got a friend to lend me that cash", "- i've cancelled my debit card so i'll need to go", "into a bank branch on monday to get cash - i've", "got my mom to post me my spare car key and i'll", "be walking to work until it get that, pay for new", "driving license card... etc etc." ]

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[ "i work at a hospital as a nurse aid, and i had a", "patient need to use the bathroom. this lady is a", "good 350lbs, and has lower leg weakness and", "swears she can get to a bed side toilet by using", "a walking and having me grab her by the waist and", "just giving a little pull.", "so i grab the walker, set the bedside commode", "right next to the bed, get her to the edge of the", "bed and pull, she stands up and starts screaming", "that she can't move her feet, that her legs won't", "move, so as nice i can, i tell her that she can", "do it, all she needs to do is stand up straight", "and slowly take baby steps to turn. she keeps", "yelling till a nurse comes in (thinking i'm", "murdering this lady) and she literally pushes the", "patient onto the toilet.", "thinking the worse is over, i tell the lady while", "she is using the toilet i am going to change her", "sheets while she is up. she says thank you for", "helping and that me changing the sheets would be", "great. i run and grab everything i need and come", "back. as soon as i get the old sheets off she", "starts yelling that the commode is hurting her", "\"fanny\" and needs to get up, i tell her again in", "my nice voice that i need to finish making the", "bed. she starts yelling again and take the next", "60 seconds to make her bed. i then get the walker", "in place, and tell her we are going to go back to", "the bed, she says ok and once again you would", "think i'm stabbing her because she starts yelling", "at the top of her voice. i finally get the lady", "to the bed, and i notice that she is really close", "to the edge so i tell her i need her to stand up", "once more so she can move back some more and that", "way she wont fall.", "this time i say fuck it to the walker, and have", "the lady grab onto my elbows and i grab her by", "the waist and pull, then as she stands up, she", "farts, and then proceeds to release her bowels", "all over my shoes, the bottoms of my pants and", "the nicely made bed i just finished making.", "needless to say, i threw her onto the commode,", "called my nurse and walked out of the room. i", "just finished scrubbing shit out of my shows and", "i'm finishing my shift in or scrub bottoms,", "hospital socks (because my shoes have little", "holes so my feet can breath) and shit smelling", "shoes. i still have to take care of this lady and", "she has yet to say sorry, and she even made a", "comment on how i hurt her back when i tossed her", "on the toilet." ]

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[ "so this happened last year and i figured it might", "be a pretty good one to put on here.", "my mom and dad are separated, but both still", "lived in the same town. my mom had just had some", "of the branches on her trees trimmed and was", "asking me if i could go drop them off at my dads", "in his backyard, since he was just going to use", "them for a bonfire. at the time, i was driving my", "dad's little old 87 ford ranger, so i loaded up", "the branches and drove over to my dad's house.", "now, my dad's backyard is a huge sinkhole, but", "it's sloped enough that you can drive down around", "the edge of it and get to the bottom. he keeps", "all his firewood down at the bottom for bonfires,", "which is where i was taking the branches. so i", "drive the ranger into the backyard up on the high", "point, and open up the tailgate, and then stop", "and think,", "\"you know, i don't really feel like dragging", "these down, i think i'll just drive the truck", "down and drop them off and then drive it back", "up.\"", "this was back when i was a little ignorant to", "driving off-road, and it had just been raining", "for the past two days and everything was muddy.", "so i drive the ranger down the slope of the", "sinkhole, drop off the branches, and then try to", "drive it back up. it's stuck. i sit there and", "spin the tires trying to get it to move, and it's", "totally buried in the rear now. i kinda start", "getting a little nervous, i tried putting a lever", "force on the axle with a bigger branch to get it", "out, putting branches under the wheels to give it", "traction, but to no avail. so i'm stuck at the", "bottom of a 100 foot sinkhole with an old ranger", "and no way of getting it out.", "then i had a brilliant idea. i could get my dad's", "brand new f150 and pull it out. he wouldn't be", "home for another two hours or so and if i got it", "out with the f150, we're golden. so i climb back", "up the sinkhole and go get the f150 and some tow", "straps. i put it in four wheel drive and", "everything, go down, and before i can even get it", "in position to hook up to the ranger, it's stuck", "too. i start freaking out. i call my mom and tell", "her what's going on and she comes over and tries", "to help but it's no use. looks like i'm just", "going to have to call dad.", "i call my dad and he starts screaming at me. \"you", "did what? i wouldnt even drive the ranger down", "there when its dry. its been raining for two", "days, hell why dont you just go drive the mustang", "down there too?\" etc. it was very unpleasant.", "i spend the next two hours until he gets home", "trying to drive the f150 out, but it's only", "sliding deeper into the hole at this point and", "i'm not helping it any.", "my dad eventually got home and drove the f150 out", "by itself and then pulled the ranger up the hill", "with it. i wasn't allowed to help with any of", "this because he was so mad at me he just told me", "to go inside.", "moral of the story: laziness, might actually lead", "to working a lot harder than simply putting in", "the effort to do it the right way." ]

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[ "i decided that my computer was running out of", "space, so i threw in an extra hard drive to add", "to that storage. i was too lazy to power the", "drive using the dedicated sata power connector", "that i had coming out of the psu, i decided that", "i should use one of those molex connectors that", "split into sata power connectors. i realized that", "my motherboard lacked any molex connectors, so i", "opted to connect it via a molex to fan header", "adapter. after throwing in my everything back in,", "i powered on the system. usually, i do not sweat", "much about such stuff, as i have built multiple", "systems over the years. but for some reason, i", "was particularly anxious, pretty similar to the", "first time that i built my own computer. for a", "split second, everything powered up, and i", "thought it was fine. i heaved a sigh of relief", "when i saw the bios screen pop up.", "but my satisfaction was short lived. i heard an", "audible cracking sound. instinctively, i turned", "to look at my pc, and saw the fan header that the", "bloody molex connector was connected to was on", "fucking fire. the fan header had a little flame", "dancing on top of it, as if it was mocking me for", "my foolishness.", "the system immediately shut down and i panicked.", "the computer tried to restart, and i yanked the", "power cable out to prevent any more damage done", "to my system. the smell of burnt electronics", "wafted through the air.", "when i rushed out like a madman, they were a", "little shocked, and asked me what happened, i", "lied to them and claimed that nothing happened.", "they bought my excuse and continued with their", "stuff.", "after a few minutes, i went back in trying to", "assess the extent of damage that my motherboard", "has suffered. reconnecting the power cord, i", "powered it on and hoped for the best.", "the fans spun up, but there was no display. i am", "guessing that the motherboard was fried or", "something, but am hoping that the rest of the", "components are still fine.", "i am now typing this on my other computer, and", "trying to find solutions to this issue." ]

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[ "so senior year of hs, i was at cross country", "practice when i felt the urge to take the", "mother-of-all shits. i could feel my insides", "actually crying at how bad this was going to be.", "unfortunately for me, the closest bathroom was at", "my school, half a mile away, and in my state of", "feeling like i was going to blow, running was not", "an option.", "i told the other varsity guys to tell the coach", "that i had to leave early as i turned around and", "attempted to hobble back to school while", "squeezing my ass together trying to hold in this", "apocalyptic shit. but man oh man, i barely made", "it 100 yards before i knew it was all but over", "for my little return voyage.", "i panicked knowing that my options were either a)", "completely destroy my spandex/ass/become a", "walking honey bucket, or b) drop em behind", "someone's car in their driveway, where hopefully", "no one would drive by to see me actually taking a", "shit in someone's driveway and then make my way", "back to the school where i could assess the", "damage.", "in the final few seconds before the explosion, i", "saw a house with a garden somewhat behind a", "pickup truck so i usain bolted it for that", "heavenly sight and dropped my spandex as soon as", "i got there. i proceeded to take arguably the", "grossest shit i have and hopefully ever will take", "in my life. i felt so bad for whoever's garden", "and driveway i wrecked that day.", "but just wait. my brilliant idea of saving my", "spandex failed miserably as when i started to", "shit, some of it flew into my spandex. so now i'm", "squatting in some random person's driveway with", "no toilet paper (can't believe i didn't think", "about this at the time and i figured i'd already", "defiled their garden enough), with a gross pile", "of shit below me, and me swearing uncontrollably", "at my predicament.", "somehow i thought it would be a genius idea if i", "ditched my spandex in front of their pick up and", "free balled it back to the school with just my", "shorts on in order to clean up. so i said fuck it", "and left that family a pair of shitty (literally)", "spandex along with my pile of shit as my newly", "rejuvenated and smelly self sprinted the fastest", "1/2 mile i've ever run in my life back to the", "school.", "when i walked into the school, our girls", "volleyball team had just started their water", "break in their practice and were complaining that", "something smelled horribly in the hall. just", "fucking fantastic right?", "i finally get to the bathroom, open a stall, and", "sit down with my head in my hands in disbelief of", "what just happened. as i reached over to grab the", "toilet paper to begin the cleaning process, i", "could only cuss more as the stall i went in was", "completely out of toilet paper.", "so with my shorts around my ankles, i shuffled", "out of the stall to grab paper towels to wipe my", "war zone. it took quite a few to get everything", "cleaned up and when i was satisfied i stood up", "and flushed. however, in line with the last 30", "mins, the damn thing clogged (another mystery as", "to why it didn't dawn on my that paper towels", "would inevitably clog the toilet).", "i made it home and felt like i had survived the", "worst day of my life. i got back to school the", "next day thinking everything was good when my", "friend told me that someone had destroyed a", "bathroom stall and the janitors couldn't fix it.", "i visited the stall only to find a handful of", "students laughing at the \"dumbass\" who did this", "and how gross it was. toilet was fixed about a", "week later but i still feel awful about this day", "and it is by far the worst 30 minute span of my", "life." ]

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[ "one college semester, i was taking an intro", "sculpture class. my school wasn't and isn't", "particularly interested in the arts, so the", "building for workshops and studios was a very", "small building (or a very large shed). it was", "metal sheeting, you could hear the wind, and no", "one was allowed on the second floor because it", "was \"structurally unsound.\" it did have vending", "machines and a bathroom i hadn't used.", "so one night i'm working late on this project", "due in two days. a police officer had already", "come by and locked everything up around 1am, i", "was alone in the building and pretty content", "working away on this sculpture. i slowly realized", "with dread that i had to pee. i wasn't really", "sure about the bathrooms in this building, but if", "i left i wouldn't be able to come back because", "the doors would lock. so i decided to see if i", "could finish the sculpture and put off going to", "the bathroom. i got pretty far, but i decided", "enough was enough and i didn't want to sit there", "bouncing on my seat like an idiot pretending i", "didn't have to go.", "the bathroom was as sketchy as i hoped it", "wasn't. it smelled off, and didn't seem very", "clean, and there were little moth-y flies. i was", "not going to sit on that seat and be stuck as", "little flies buzzed around. at this point i had", "to go so badly i was about ready to just go in my", "pants. my sleep-deprived, panicked mind", "remembered reading something about how i totally", "could pee standing up (probably) and i decided to", "try it and pulled my shorts all the way down. no", "harm, right?", "wrong. it started out okay, amazingly, as my", "pee went straight where i wanted it to. just as i", "thought, \"wait, what about when the stream starts", "slowing down and i can't move closer,\" one of the", "flies flew out of the toilet bowl. right towards", "my crotch, using my pee as a guidance system. cue", "instinctive flailing. as i pulled back and turned", "away, i also clenched in fear, strengthening the", "stream of urine now pointed not at the toilet. i", "tripped over my shorts trying to get away from", "the super gross bug™, furthering the damage to", "the helpless bathroom stall, turning back and", "forth similar to little kids over-steering in", "mariokart. at the same time, i panicked about", "peeing all over the bathroom, which resulted in", "quick variations of trying to stop peeing and", "peeing more to try and not pee on my shorts.", "i figured out pretty quickly to just stop", "peeing altogether, and surveyed the damage,", "ashamed. i peed freaking everywhere. along with", "peeing all over the toilet seat, floor, and", "walls, i had also thoroughly covered my shorts", "and sprinkled my legs. and i still had to pee. i", "ended up going back to the shop, cleaning up all", "my stuff, and leaving for another bathroom and", "different pants. i did not clean the bathroom,", "and i'm sorry to whoever did." ]

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[ "so this happened about 6 months ago.", "some may not even believe this happened, but let", "me tell you friends, it is real.", "back in august, mom took us on a vacation to her", "long desired homeland of ireland. she had decided", "it would be fun if we did it cruise form, you", "know start in england and sail to every city for", "6 hours so you can run around a small city with a", "thousand other tourists from your cruise ship.", "it'll be fun she said. my two brothers and i were", "not going to complain about a generous vacation,", "but really mom? i'm not a cruise person.", "so we sail from london to an island south of", "london, gurnsey. if you've never been there it's", "fucking quaint. it's day 2 of our 9 day cruise.", "and gurnsey is super cute and pretty, but small", "as hell. anyway so it's our first stop off this", "damn cruise and we separate from mom and aunt who", "was also traveling with us, tell them we'll meet", "back on the ship before dinner.", "so we wander around this cute little town, have", "some food, do some shopping, just straight", "chilling you know? so it starts to rain and i", "head into a small shop to purchase a raincoat.", "this cashier notices our american accents and", "asks if we're from the princess caribbean. with a", "node of embarrassment we say yes, why do you ask?", "she says, \"that ship leaves in 30 minutes!\"", "\"fuck!\" we say", "and so we hurry down to the dock, which was", "previously donned with a large banner reading", "princess caribbean and ship attendants scanning", "your cruise card - very official stuff. and", "there's not a person in sight from our ship. and", "just at that moment we look out to the water and", "see the fucking cruise liner start to pull away.", "i kid you the fuck not, brother 1, brother 2, and", "i got fucking stranded by the god damn princess", "caribbean on an island in the english channel.", "so we first kind of run around in circles yelling", "at the ship as if they can see/hear us or fucking", "give a shit before one of us pulls it together", "and is like ok we gotta move.", "so with no cell reception mind you (lesson", "learned always get a fucking international plan),", "we find an office in which someone looks somewhat", "official enough to help us.", "\"our ship left us! it left without us!\" we", "screamed", "we must have looked like the dumbest fucking", "foreigners at this point. the nice gentleman", "exhales and says \"okay, dont panic. im going to", "call the ship\"", "phew!!!! we say!!!! we're saved, ships coming", "back.", "nope.", "a few minutes later the gentleman returns and", "says \"hope you have your passports, because your", "ship isnt coming back for you\"", "now let me tell you, mom specifically advised", "that i *dont* bring my passport off the ship in", "case i lose it. but for whatever reason, i didn't", "agree with her and brought it anyway. i reached", "into my bag and pulled out my passport. i looked", "at brother 1 and 2 and was sure i was the only", "one that had it and we would never make it back", "to the ship. mind you this is a tiny island with", "no international flights and our ship with all", "our stuff on it was going to ireland.", "i look at brother 1 and he pulls out his passport", "out of his pocket.", "we're all sweating, because we know if brother 2", "doesn't have his we'll have to just fly home to", "america with a temporary passport in 2 weeks.", "all eyes on him, sure enough, brother 2 has his", "fucking passport in his jacket and saves the day", "(kinda). an amazing feat in my family that is", "clearly prone to fuck ups.", "so now the next step is to figure out how the", "fuck to catch up with the ship. we are in a", "office of approximately 5 people who are all", "ruthlessly scouring the internet for flights and", "times and ports and ships and trains and cities.", "it was insanity. time was such a blur because i", "was more than anything terrified of what mom was", "going to do to us when she found out.", "the next stop on the cruise was cork the", "following day. but there were no available", "flights leaving the island as it was already 5", "pm. they tell us we'll have to book a hotel room", "on the island and fly out in the morning.", "therefore we wouldn't make it to cork before the", "ship left again, and were better off trying to", "catch it in dublin the *next* day.", "we end up booking flights to another island in", "the english channel - jersey, and then flying", "from there to dublin. \"plan\" we say.", "so we end up spending the following day in dublin", "and actually have an awesome time (such a cool", "city) despite already being in the same clothes", "for several days while the cruise ship, mom and", "aunt are in cork. she was livid btw.", "we book a night in a hotel in dublin and can't", "wait to meet up with the ship first thing in the", "morning. we wake up and i actually say \"i'm not", "going to shower because i'll be back on the ship", "and shower when i have all my stuff\" you guys", "know what i mean right? like clean underwear", "right?", "we check out of the hotel, go straight to the", "dock. upon arrival, the princess caribbean is no", "where to be seen. \"where is it?!\" we exclaim. a", "dock attendant tells us the ship's engine is", "broken, it's stuck in the middle of the irish", "sea, and isn't coming to dublin. oh you thought", "it was over?! it was *definitely* not over.", "panic ensues, we run around in circles for a few", "minutes before one of us gets it together and", "says we gotta move.", "\"ok but where?\" brother 2 and i say.", "thats the funny thing, since the ship was just", "floating in the irish sea, it could have gotten", "towed to any of the surrounding countries,", "ireland, england, wales, france, it really was", "anyones game.", "and that was when we realized it really couldn't", "get any worse. we all just sat down in the", "parking lot until we got confirmation of where", "the ship would be. we were sad, broke, tired,", "dirty and pathetic. fucking americans. 5 hours", "later we receive word the ship was fixed and on", "its way to belfast. we took a cab to a train to a", "bus to a cab and made it approximately 86 hours", "after we first saw that damn ship sail away from", "us. the moral of the story is that when we got", "back on the ship, we were the only 3 fucking", "people that got to go to dublin. guess that's the", "luck of the irish.", "this is a long fucking story once typed out,", "damn." ]

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[ "obligatory, this happened about 45 minutes ago.", "today was a full blown adult hangover day.", "snuggie and everything.", "it's now evening on a saturday and i'm still", "wallowing on the couch from my previous poor", "decisions from friday night.", "my phone is dying from being on reddit all day", "and i go to grab my charger from the bedroom.", "i have a surge protector under the bed with my", "phone and ipad chargers. next to my bed is my", "side table that, much to my significant others", "annoyance, i collect my necklaces and other", "jewelry on from taking them off at the end of the", "day.", "in my hungover stumbling, i knock off one of the", "necklaces from the side table and it lands on the", "surge protector.", "without thought, i reach down to grab the fallen", "necklace. as soon as i touch the necklace, fourth", "of july begins to happen in the bedroom. sparks", "fly. instant pain in my hand. i drop the necklace", "on the rug. all of the four letter words are", "screamed out of my mouth.", "significant other and roommate run in to the room", "to find me putting out the sparks that landed on", "the rug.", "the metal necklace is fused to the rug and the", "surge protector and phone charger plug are", "charred. hand is burned where the chain touched", "my skin.", "hurt more than anything is my sense of", "intelligence as i explain to them that i didn't", "think about a metal necklace and electricity", "being an issue.", "heading back to the couch. snuggie will comfort", "me." ]

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[ "well, this wasn't today, but still a fuck up.. i", "remembered this because of a post that was kind", "of similar to i tifu i read earlier.. this was", "about 6 months ago, and keep in mind, i'm 17", "years old.", "so, i work at this pizza place in town with what", "was soon to be my girlfriend, and well, on this", "night, i had work, she didn't, but she was at", "this party one town over, my city is relatively", "small so it was only a 30 minute drive. anyways,", "i unfortunately worked at a place that never let", "me off at the scheduled time, sometimes, it'd be", "2 hours before my scheduled time off, or 6 hours", "later, all depending on how busy it was, as bad", "as that sounds, i took it to my advantage, having", "strict parents, i often wasn't allowed to go", "anywhere, whether it was a school night or not,", "so, when invited to this party, i couldn't turn", "it down! i had never been to a party..", "so when i got off work, i texted the girl that", "invited me, and she \"gave me the addy\"(teenage", "jargon for address), and i put it in my phone,", "and shoot, i get the alert that my phone is at", "5%, here's fu number one, i try to memorize the", "directions, and then proceed to drive, and i", "start approaching where i figure the neighborhood", "is, but i can't find the house, so i grab my", "phone to look at the map, and sure enough, my", "phone died, right in front of my eyes. at this", "point, it's 10pm and raining.", "now, i don't know the town i'm in at all, because", "i hadn't ever been here, being that again, my", "parents are strict and i never go anywhere, so, i", "drive around in circles looking for the party for", "about 30 minutes, going up and down side roads..", "well, i decide to give up and head home, but.. oh", "yeah, i don't know where i am, so just do what", "came to mind first, drive around, i kept driving", "trying to find familiar roads.. it takes me about", "45ish minutes, until i see one, and this actually", "is a road that goes through my town, finally,", "after being lost i had found my way! so i", "thought. i drive on this road for another 40", "minutes, and then think to myself, \"i should be", "in town by now\".. then it hit me.. roads go two", "different directions, i'm going the wrong way...", "so i turn around, and at this point, i'm", "impatient, disappointed, and angry with myself,", "here's fu 2, i decide to drive a bit faster than", "i should, i tell people i went about 70, on the", "50, but i was going probably 90, how didn't i get", "pulled over? i don't really know, but i wish i", "was pulled over.. after driving for a while, in", "the rain, its now about midnight, i see a car in", "the distance, it gets closer, and i notice it's", "in my lane, so i slow down(doesn't work very well", "in the rain), and when the car approached, it", "only sideswiped me, but the speed of me and them,", "and the rain, mixed with me breaking, some how", "through the terribleness of physics, had me", "flying off the road, down into a 6-10 ft drop", "off, and, screaming i had no idea what to do, i", "sat for about 30 seconds, realizing not having my", "phone charged sucked, and then figured i'd try to", "drive it, surprisingly it worked, and i was able", "to drive home.. i some how outside of a stiff", "neck, was damage free, until the parents found", "out of course... i've never angered my parents so", "much, but this isnt the end of my problems.. i", "have work the next day, i drive there, and work,", "and when i get off, on my drive home, my car", "started smoking, turns out the drop affected some", "of the stuff on the bottom of my car, thus, my", "oil and coolant leaked, so, i was out a car,", "because now my engine had damage.. and with no", "transportation source, i had to resign from my", "job..", "so this is how i lost my car, and job in one", "night." ]

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[ "my work has had a drone for a few years however", "due to regulations/licensing it hasn't been in", "flight since i've worked there..until today. my", "office has roughly 15'x15'x10' dimensions and", "holds 3 imacs, 6 4k retina displays, and about", "15,000 dollars of camera gear. so today,", "(saturday it was only me a friend working so we", "decided to turn on the drone and test it out.", "note, i've never flown a drone nor read more of", "the manual the how to turn it on. i get it in the", "air and immediately it starts drifting backwards", "towards one of the desks with a couple of raid", "setups on it and i'm like 'oh shit' maybe i", "should press the power button. til, the power", "button just turns off the remote leaving a flying", "drone with no control. so i turn it back on and", "click the button i perceive to be \"land\" and the", "drone didn't land. i can probably do it manually", "right? nope. immediately it flies into the desk", "just missing all the power cords for the imacs", "and scratches the shit out of a desk, then flips", "over and breaks it's propellers. i try to grab it", "and hit the power button on the drone but it's", "wings are still spinning at highspeed. hit the", "land button, it powers down. i don't understand", "drones." ]

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[ "obligatory 'did not just happen' but happened less", "than a year ago. contrary to what you're", "probably thinking this fuck-up did not involve", "any bodily fluids/functions at all.", "i was able to get a cheap round trip ticket to", "seoul at the last minute after my friends started", "talking about the best kbbq they've ever had. as", "i wanted to find the source of this delicious", "food, i booked a place in seoul. the week went", "fast and i didn't get close to enough to eat. in", "fact the most memorable meal i can remember from", "there is a", "[hamburger](http://i.imgur.com/9adbk2e.jpg) and", "maybe the [chizza from", "kfc](http://i.imgur.com/acongcb.jpg). by the", "time i had to leave i felt the need to stuff", "myself with as much korean food as possible.", "being a frequent traveller by that point, i knew", "that i had to arrive early so i got to the", "airport with two and a half hours to spare and", "about 20 pounds of tsa sized kimchi in my", "backpack. so i stopped by a dessert place and", "[ate](http://i.imgur.com/acongcb.jpg) as slowly", "as possible.", "15 minutes passed. still hungry i trudged the", "terminal looking for a real meal. after what", "seemed to be an eternity of walking i found a", "nice little korean place serving both kimbap and", "kimchee noodles. score! i ordered both and", "proceeded to wait. and wait. and wait. by the", "time my noodles arrived my flight was an hour and", "a half out. no problem! i slurped up the", "[noodles](http://i.imgur.com/ejphida.jpg) (which", "turned out to be instant) and scarfed the", "[kimbap](http://i.imgur.com/4vzqbo3.jpg) down", "like the pig i am.", "by this point in time i figured i would have an", "hour and 15 minutes to clear security,", "immigration, then get to my terminal. plenty of", "time, right? still, i hustled to the security", "checkpoint. and waited. and waited. apparently", "between my arriving at the airport and my meal,", "the line grew exponentially. i cleared with 30", "minutes to go. whew! (or so i thought)", "i came to realize that my flight leaves from the", "very far end of a remote terminal. with 30", "minutes remaining, i moved from a hustle to a", "jog. due to my timing, i missed the last train", "and had to wait another 5 minutes for the slow", "ass train to arrive. when the train finally", "arrived, i shove myself in like the captain of", "the costa concordia and waited for the rest of", "the passengers to load. then i waited. and", "waited. and waited. i sat in a quiet rage as the", "old korean lady with a cane attempted to mind the", "gap. for all the drama she went through you'd", "think she was jumping the grand canyon.", "eventually the train doors closed and the people", "mover slowly trundled to the remote terminal.", "this damn country has maglev trains and the best", "internet but the airport relies on a piece of", "shit meat bucket to move people from terminal to", "terminal. revenge of the kims at its finest.", "when i finally exit the train, i hear my named", "being screamed. i get in touch with the lady", "screaming my name who tells me to hurry up and", "run. she runs along side of my fat ass telling", "me to run faster the whole time and screams into", "her radio to ground crew while wearing high", "heels. i am out of breath carrying an overweight", "backpack stuffed with kimchee in 100g packets as", "i complete the half mile sprint to the gate.", "fortunately for me, the metal sausage has yet to", "leave the gate and the kimchee hadn't burst.", "they held the plane just for me. i boarded and", "took my seat in the very back row, facing death", "stares from about 200 passengers. i don't care;", "i made my flight! an hour delay as our pilot", "missed the window but we're finally off! being", "next to the toilets, i peruse them several times", "and fall asleep on my bag of kimchee.", "eventually we make it to the arrival airport. i", "let the other passengers disembark first, as i", "don't want to risk any damage to my kimchi. i", "make my way out of the skybridge and down and", "escalator and then", "[stopped](http://i.imgur.com/ewk6ss1.jpg).", "apparently, my delaying the flight caused the", "flights to stack up which resulted in a surge to", "one immigration counter with only two staff", "working. yup, so many counters yet only two", "people working. staff numbers are based on", "flight plans well in advance so we were stuck", "with two immigration officers clearing all of us.", "i took this picture, then made myself and my", "kimchee as small as possible. afterwards,", "another plane landed and caused even more of a", "backup." ]

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[ "i have trained in muay thai for a few months now,", "and i go so often i guess i'm addicted to it", "somehow. i mean, in a good way i guess, it can't", "be too much of a bad thing, surely. so then", "during break time, my friend at school today had", "his bag on the desk whilst we were talking and", "then, i decided, for pure silly banter reasons,", "to practice an (technically illegal) 12-6 elbow", "on his bag out of nowhere. i thought it wouldn't", "damage much since most people only carry books", "but then i forgot about lunchboxes! he opened his", "bag following this only to discover the entire", "top half of his lunch box was absolutely shred to", "pieces with food coming out due to my devastating", "elbow strikes. welp. i'm now definitely a bad", "friend." ]

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[ "this happened last year..(forgive me) i was", "thinking about it today and thought i'd post a", "story about it.. even though it didn't happen", "today. so brace yourself.", "around january of 2016, my sophomore year of high", "school, a couple of buddies and i were heavy into", "skating. we would skate, get high, and then go", "exploring local spots in our neighborhood. we've", "all heard about this abandoned mansion in the", "back of our neighborhood, but we never really", "went there. we were bored and it was nice outside", "for a thursday in january. so my two friends,", "nate and nick (fake names), and i decided to go", "to this abandoned house and check it out for", "ourselves. so we ride our bikes to the back of", "our neighborhood to the house and stood out", "front, observing the driveway. we couldn't see it", "from the front so we had to go into the driveway", "to see the house. the house looks like the type", "of house in action movies where they have a shoot", "out/ fight scene. like a scarface \"say hello, to", "my little friend\" kind of house. it was trashed.", "spray paint all over the place, windows were", "broken, a plethora of empty beer can littered the", "ground.. the typical abandoned mansion. we go", "through the house, pocket knives drawn. spray", "paint of \"take lsd\" and \"666\" were meticulously", "decorated on the walls within the confines of", "this house. we also found food wrappers and", "blankets it one particular room. freaked out, we", "\"noped\" out of that place after 5 minutes of", "exploration, and went to the dock in the back", "yard. my friend nick had a king sized joint on", "him. however; we decided since it was already", "4:30 pm and a thursday, then we will just smoke", "it tomorrow. this decision may have saved our", "asses from a lot of heat. as we were leaving, the", "\"too playful\" friend of the group, nate, decided", "to run off and \"parkour\" his way through the", "outside of this house. i chase after him ,not", "wanting to be the last person to leave, because", "in scary movies the last person usually gets", "dragged away and doesn't make it to safety. since", "there were multiple ways to get to the front, i", "went a different way. i jumped the gate,", "stumbling a bit before i recover. once i recover", "i look up to see my good friend nate already in", "handcuffs with two officers glaring upon me with", "their hands on their belt. they arrest me and as", "they do so, my friend nick watches from a", "distance. he quickly pulls out the king sized", "joint and buries it under the leaves. they ask", "nate and i \"so where's the other one?\" and to", "which we replied \"it's just us two.\" and then", "they yell \"if anyone else is here, and you aren't", "out within five seconds, we will find and tase", "you.\"... about three seconds later, nick comes", "around the corner with both hands in the air.", "first question they asked once they cuffed us was", "\"so.. you guys smoking weed back here?\" and all", "three of say \"no sir, we don't use drugs.\" and he", "replies \"haha yeah we'll see,\" and tells his", "partner to watch us. as he walks out of sight he", "says \"if i find weed back here.. all three of you", "are getting charged. luckily he didn't find", "anything. he comes back about 3 minutes later and", "searches us and calls our parents stating that we", "are detained for trespassing and possibly", "breaking and entering. after three hours of being", "hand cuffed in the cold. around 7:30- 8pm my mom", "comes and picks me up.. later that night, i", "failed a drug test and was grounded for a month.", "they made me cut my hair, i had no cellphone, no", "video games, no internet. thankfully, they let me", "keep my netflix. after an apology letter and a 2", "page essay on explaining why, what i did was", "wrong and how it affected my family, my charge", "was expunged. i never really had a good bond with", "any of my parental figures, and this made things", "worse. i don't talk to my parents unless i have", "to. i'm now 16 and a junior i plan on getting", "emancipated and moving out after i finish", "football season during my senior year." ]

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[ "hi reddit. so, today there was an accident. just", "so you are aware this has nothing to do with", "poop.", "my so and i were joking around just before i was", "heading for work. semi-wrestling, tickles and", "such. we were doing this standing up by the way,", "fully clothed. i decided it would be a great move", "to lift him on my back so that his crotch was at", "my butt area. i proceeded to let out a (*very*", "impressive) fart. this triggers a rampage from", "him, and he gets rougher.", "this is where the fun turn to an end. he's still", "behind me - now at his feet, pushing me back and", "forth. the last drag towards him i lose balance,", "and accidentally *heel his big toe* at high", "force. all i can hear is the biggest \"**crack**\"", "sound i have heard and then him wimping around", "with his now newly broken big toe.", "in this shit i had to leave for work in 30", "minutes. trying to make amends i made him a quick", "meal, set up his xbox so he could comfortably lay", "with his foot raised and play games. left him", "some snacks too. all this in 30 minutes. but i", "feel super guilty for leaving him alone minutes", "after this happened. i just *know* this could", "have been avoided had i not farted. we don't live", "together so now he's headed to the er with his", "father, and then he's gonna stay home for a", "while. i'm going to have to visit later.", "we did acknowledge it was equally mine and his", "fault... i just can't stop thinking about the", "sound as it broke. i just shouldn't have farted." ]

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[ "we were doing a packet on the material we've been", "learning, and i am doing the work, am about", "halfway through it and somehow my mind drifts off", "to the workings of spacetime. it always just", "intrigued me how the universe worked. but anyway,", "i wanted to ask my teacher if we could learn", "about general relativity so i raise my hand, and", "ask, \"can we learn about genital relativity", "soon?\" i quickly catch my mistake and say", "\"general not that\" and she chuckles and replies,", "\"wait until we have to start saying 'organism'\".", "that one statement basically haunted me for the", "rest of the year, and i still have trouble", "talking about relativity without remembering that", "one moment. has anyone else said something really", "fucked up while not meaning too?" ]

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[ "school ended early today and i decided to go and", "look for jobs for the summer, i went to one of", "the major store/business areas in my town and", "walked around there for roughly 30 minutes, i", "then decided that it was time to leave so i left", "the store i was currently in to get over to the", "busstop.", "i saw my bus turn around the corner and i started", "to speed up and i came to a stop by a big", "waterpuddle, now i had a decision. either i cross", "it and get on the bus or i go around it which", "takes more time.", "me being the lazy person that i am decided to go", "right through the giant waterpuddle. halfway", "through i slipped as i realized that there was", "still ice under the puddle. i land with a splash", "which ended up with my pants, my jacket, my", "backpack and my earpuds getting soaked in the", "water but i get up, no big deal, really. it's", "just water after all.", "or well, so i thought. as soon as i went on the", "bus and took a seat in the front; i started to", "feel a very displeasing smell to which i realized", "that i was soaked in it. it shared similarities", "the smell of urine and god knows what.", "^^^^it ^^^^reminds ^^^^me ^^^^of ^^^^my ^^^^ex", "^^^^though.", "i start to notice how people much rather sat in", "the far rear end of the bus as well. i decided to", "tell my mate about it on the phone and she just", "dies laughing and she now calls me the", "poopwaterguy and i need to wash my clothes too. i", "guess that i shouldn't have been so lazy after", "all." ]

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[ "over the past day and a half i made many huge", "mistakes and looking back they seem obvious and i", "feel extremely dumb for not seeing them ahead of", "time. i'll keep the story short and if you want", "more details comment and i will be happy to", "provide them. i found a good deal for a computer", "monitor on amazon from a 3rd party seller and", "ordered it on amazon like i normally would, but", "get notified that the order was canceled by the", "seller (emailed from the real amazon). i see in", "the description that it says i must email the 3rd", "party company ishop (the 3rd party seller) before", "ordering so i email them, mistake #1. they email", "me back and say it had to do with all the", "requests they were getting and they only had one", "left. they say they will have amazon email me", "with instructions on how to pay and i believe", "them, mistake #2. i should have known something", "was fishy no pun intended. i get the email from", "\"amazon\" and it is formatted exactly the same as", "emails i have gotten from amazon for years other", "than it tells me that i need to buy a amazon gift", "card and send it to them (\"amazon\"). it confirms", "my cancellation of my last order by the seller", "and says due to this cancellation i have to", "submit my payment by gift card . its says they", "(\"amazon\") will hold it and everything will be", "secure and guaranteed by \"amazon\" just like", "normal. i think it is a little strange but the", "email looks legit and this deal is too good to be", "true.... mistake #3 i order the gift card and", "email it to \"amazon\" late at night on the 14th.", "honestly at the time i do not thing to much about", "it i have paid for a lot of things with amazon", "gift cards and \"amazon\" is holding it for me.", "after about 30 mins i check my email before", "heading to bed and get a email from \"ishop\"", "saying that they need an additional $788 to cover", "insurance and that he was willing to pay for", "half. i immediate freak out :(! i file a clam", "with amazon and my bank. i know that i am in", "trouble at this point. the next day i wake up and", "immediately call amazon and my bank also i file a", "report with ic3.gov. when on the phone with", "amazon the guy tells me my gift card has been", "spent and that the items bought with the card are", "being prepared for shipping. i think, great they", "can stop this. and then he gives me the old \"it", "has to be processed which takes 1 - 2 days\" but", "he insures me that they should be able to resolve", "the issue. after 14 hours i get a email from", "amazon (real amazon) saying there is nothing they", "can do. i am literally still talking to this", "criminal stalling him by making up excuses for", "why i am not sending him the insurance money. i", "am so pissed off that amazon is unwilling to work", "with me but i guess in the end they made a $400", "sale. i have no idea what to do and i feel like", "screaming i canceled my amazon prime account but", "really there is not much more i can do other than", "bitch them out and waste as much of this scum", "bags time as i can. really pissed off and", "extremely embarrassed but i am trying to not let", "it bring me down. tomorrow i am going to call", "amazon to bitch them out again before i go into", "work. i will also call my bank again amazon", "advised me to do so and said \"the bank will send", "some paperwork for you to sign, to verify the", "unauthorized charges (for the amount you were", "scammed for), and this paperwork will then be", "passed on to us\". if anyone has any ideas or", "advise to help me out or ideas on how to mess", "with this guy let me know! sorry if i no spel gud", "or gramerz good and thanks for reading.", "edit: re reading this it sounds like i am blaming", "amazing i fucked up there was nothing amazon", "could have done to stop me from giving away the", "gift card. tifu they probably have a good reason", "for not freezing the guys orders. they have a", "process to follow so they do not get scammed. im", "not really calling up amazon and yelling at them", "for me fucking up i called them and the guy was", "really nice he said that they would work with my", "bank but they could not refund me or do anything", "more like give me the guys address or freeze his", "orders. it is human nature to blame others for", "your mistakes and i wrote this the second after", "they emailed me to say there was nothing they", "could do. im having a lot of fun emailing this", "scum bag i keep sending him the wrong code and", "huge img files. he is starting to get really", "annoyied i'm sure. i have asked him to call me", "up and talk to me so he can explain how i give", "him the money so we will see how that goes." ]

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[ "this actually just happened and i’m dying from", "embarrassment still. so i stayed the night at my", "boyfriend’s house and he rents the room above his", "parents garage, and he has 3 other brothers and", "his mom in the house right now. i wake up and get", "that morning pee feel, you know? so i go", "downstairs and his older brother is already", "walking ahead of me to bathroom. he says he’ll be", "quick and get me when he’s done. no problem, i", "can wait, right? well i wouldn’t be writing this", "tifu if i had. i go back upstairs and that's when", "it hits me. i have to shit. so bad. so i wait", "ever so patiently, each second like an hour,", "until his brother knocks telling me i can go now.", "i flew to the bathroom just as i’m crowning, i", "think no biggie, it felt like a solid hard poo so", "i could just flip it out and get a new pair of", "undies as these go in the wash.", "well i was ever so fucking wrong. apparently my", "stomach was not agreeing with my dinner and it", "wasn’t complete liquid, but still mush. as i try", "to do the flip, i notice mid-flip it’s not a", "solid poo and it gets on my sweatpants (which", "honestly needed to be washed anyways) and on my", "pad in my undies. so as i unleash hell, i think", "of a game plan. i wipe off most of the carnage", "from my pants, throw away my pad, and wipe off", "the little bit in my undies. okay, not as bad as", "i first thought. i make a plan that goes like", "this, “finish pooping, shower, wash off the rest", "from my clothes in the sink, wash the sink, air", "spray and disinfect everything.” no problem,", "sweet and simple.", "until the toilet starts to fucking clog. i’ve", "never unclogged a toilet before. i usually tell", "my boyfriend and he handles it because it's", "usually his brother’s fault. but no, now it was", "mine. and i was not about to ask him to enter the", "bathroom at that point and unclog it. so that’s", "how i learned how to unclog a toilet. yay /s.", "step one complete.", "then i remember i need an extra pair of pants to", "make it from the bathroom back to my boyfriend's", "room. so i text him that his brother took too", "long in the bathroom and my stress incontinence", "happened, which actually happens to me sometimes.", "it’s why i wear the pad during my more stressful", "days. he starts a wash of clothes and brings me", "some sleep shorts. step two complete. i shower", "quickly, seeing as how there was just one", "affected area and start step three. i wash off", "the remains and then ball them up to hide the wet", "parts and clean the sink. i then disinfect the", "toilet, counter, floor where i set my gross", "clothes down and the sink.", "i second check everything to make sure i have", "left no evidence. there is none, i grab the", "garbage bag which has my gross pad in it so i can", "throw it away on my way past the garage. i spray", "some air freshener and put on my sleep pants and", "leave, throwing the evidence into the washer as i", "make my way to my boyfriend’s room. also to add", "insult to injury, today is our do-over", "valentine’s day because we were both busy on the", "actual day. and i could finally have sex after", "waiting since a little before august due to", "medical issues and had planned on surprising my", "boyfriend with that. now i feel gross and", "unromantic." ]

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[ "so my best mate and i had been having a bash of a", "time drinking and being merry when we decided to", "hit up the old weed man and grab some grass, of", "course he offers to make us cocktails and get us", "high so who in saint josephs name would say no.", "\"i'm already 6 beers in lad, i may be irish but i", "am also a smart individual; i'm not driving", "anywhere.\" says zach, i too had been feeling", "rather drunk as a mediterranean skunk so our", "plans had almost been foiled but loe and behold!", "uber! our savior.", "we call our uber and wait outside sipping our", "beers from not-so-clever disguised coffee cups", "and as if it only took but a second our uber was", "there waiting for us. \"hey man, would you mind", "taking us to the wells fargo right there? i'd", "like to pull out some money.\" i say as my friend", "and i enter the vehicle. the man did not answer,", "merely giving a side glance. we drove to the end", "of the street, things seemed uneasy right from", "the getgo. \"excuse me? can you do that for us?\" i", "say. no answer. just a sigh and more side", "glances. \"are you alright?\" again, another sigh.", "he tightens his grip as we pull up to a", "stoplight. almost mechanically i ball my keys", "into my fist to make some sort of key-fist mace.", "my friend and i exchange glances, he chokes up a", "little \" it almost feels like you're about to", "kidnap us haha\" he stammers. \"yeah you're kind of", "freaking us out\" that's when i see his eyes dart", "to mine in the rear view. he looked as if he was", "ready to tickle my insides. i looked straight", "into my friends eyes \"zach, i'm getting the fuck", "out of this car\" he nods and in one second we", "both eject at the red stop light. we begin to", "walk home as i get a text message. it is from my", "uber \"what is your problem? \" that is when i see", "on the uber interface \"your driver is hearing", "impaired\". \"i'm deaf i cannot hear\" he texted me", "again.", "what's worse is the morning after i awoke to find", "a note on my door. poor guy thought we were", "messing with him. i'm sorry uber man, our", "perception of you only saw a angry william dafoe", "looking man ready to give us the old one two", "razzle dazzle. we were protecting our lives.", "here's the note for all the nosey people out", "there http://imgur.com/txmpt0v", "update: my friend has not yet retrieved his", "coffee cup." ]

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[ "this happened less than 24 hours ago. so a week", "ago i started rewatching one punch man. it is an", "anime about this really overpowered character who", "is the strongest being in the universe and can", "kill everything with one punch basically.", "i finished the season yesterday and was really", "pumped up because it was so fun to watch and the", "final battle as they played the main theme song", "during it.", "being a filthy weeb, i started singing along with", "the song while punching the air like the main", "character did. at the climax of the battle the", "main character saitama throws a very strong", "punch. anyone who has watched the final episode", "knows which punch i tried imitating that broke my", "hand. my desk is right next to the wall so i", "proceeded to punch the wall as hard as i could.", "don't ask how but i somehow forgot the wall was", "there", "after i hit the wall my hand was in immense pain", "and i started cursing at the world. i thought", "that it was just a simple injury but after an", "hour of the pain not going away and my hand", "starting to swell i decided to go to a walk-in", "doctor.", "he told me that he thought i had broken my", "knuckle and recommended i go to the local", "hospital to get an x-ray. a few hours later it", "was confirmed that my hand was broken and i got a", "cast. i just came home and i'm not sure how to", "tell friends and family that i broke my hand by", "watching anime. i'm stupid. i know." ]

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[ "so i woke up at 4am in the morning for some god", "dam reason and i tried to go back to bed for the", "next hour and i couldn't. so i get up at 5am and", "just got ready for work. i gathered all my things", "and l locked the door from the inside behind me.", "i shut the door. i start feeling around my", "pockets. where are my keys? i had forgotten them", "on my desk. nightmare ensues. i started", "repeatedly calling my roommate on my phone hoping", "she would answer it. no luck since she's a heavy", "sleep. what a bummer. so i call my co-worker in", "hopes if he was awake. he picks up on the last", "ring and tell him what had happened. i asked if", "he can pick me up right now and he declined. i", "told him that's okay, i'll just call an uber or", "something. the fare was $16. contemplating if", "this is going to be a good idea to do. little did", "i know again, my battery was at 11%. i saw this", "and started panicking. so i try calling an uber.", "the very second i did that my phone shut off. did", "that just happened i thought? i repeated tried", "turning on my phone. it was to the point where my", "phone returned back saying it had 0%.", "fuggggggggg. i paced around thinking what was my", "next move. i started knocking on the doors and", "windows hoping to wake my roommate up. nothing", "happens. next best thing, take the train to my", "coworker and hopefully he hasn't left for work", "yet. since i had no sense of time, i guessed that", "i had to leave now. so i started sprinting and", "jogging to the train station that would take me", "there. after a 20 min ride, i get off at the", "arrival station and mad dash it to my coworker.", "he was just about to leave. out of my life", "luck/gamble, i somehow timed it perfectly.", "now after i get back home from work, and relaxing", "a bit, my roommate told me about what happened to", "her this morning. apparently earlier in the", "morning before i woke up, her fan was going on", "and off randomly with the settings constantly", "changing. she thought her fan was being", "possessed/haunted. she finally got the courage to", "unplug it, but she was already exhausted and", "paranoid from it. fast forward a bit, she told me", "she did hear the knocking but she was already", "paranoid that she thought it was the ghost that", "was still trying to haunt her." ]

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[ "obligatory this didn't happen today, but a few", "months ago, soooooo close enough?", "i am a college student and at the beginning of", "this year i was looking for work to feed my", "expensive tastes. i had applied to a bunch of", "places but got an interview with the store i", "wanted most. i had one interview that went well", "and just talked about average stuff like past job", "experience and all of that good stuff. i got a", "callback interview so i knew they were defiantly", "considering me for the position and i was pumped.", "this time i met with the regional manager of the", "store and a few others. turns out he was a very", "cool and down to earth guy so the interview", "played out in a very relaxed tone. he asked me", "about my school schedule and when i could work", "and a few other questions. then he hit me with a", "question that caught me off guard and this is", "where the tifu happened. the interviewer asked me", "if i was wearing a rolex. (no i was not wearing a", "rolex but my somewhat chunky", "[seiko](http://i.imgur.com/mqxhfbh.jpg)) a little", "caught off guard i looked down at my watch and", "looked up and said \"if i could afford a rolex i", "wouldn't be applying to a part time position at", "(insert electronics store name here). as the", "words were leaving my mouth i knew that i had", "fucked up the wording and made myself look like a", "fool. the interviewer proceeded to ask me if i", "knew what a person in his position could make. i", "took a shot in the dark and guessed 90k/year.", "anyways i didn't get called back after that but i", "think that was somewhat of a loaded question... i", "guess i could have just said no its a seiko but i", "was nervous." ]

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[ "this actually happened today, yay.", "so, normally i am supposed to do the laundry and", "shit, and everyone's happy, but after school", "today i instead went to bed for a few hours,", "meaning no laundry got done. fast forward two", "hours, step-dad gets up, eats, and gets ready for", "work. he has no clean socks. (now, as some may", "know, i was recently arrested) he is pretty livid", "over it, and goes to work fucking pissed. in", "their 8 years of marriage, every night the two", "kiss and go to the car to send him off. tonight", "they didn't. he said that he was tired of this", "house, he never has anything clean etc. now my", "mother is crying and threatening suicide if he is", "home late, and it is my fault. now we have to", "wait a very stressed 12 hours to see if i have", "indeed made us homeless. i want to cry and die", "(in that order) for ruining a perfectly good,", "strong marriage.", "edit: update, he came home like normal, and there", "wasn't a single bit of tension. so far" ]

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[ "this happened only a few hours ago, and i realised", "it could make a nice little tifu story, so here", "we are.", "for some backstory:", "i'm really into music. i've been playing guitar", "since i was 7/8 years of age. about a year ago i", "also got a cheap bass guitar because i thought", "the idea of playing bass sounded cool too. i", "rarely use it but it still rests in the corner of", "my room. this is kinda important to the story.", "recently i've been playing a lot of enter shikari", "as over the past year they've become my favourite", "band of all time (seeing them again in less than", "a week!!!), and as i've stated, i'm really into", "music. this means i 'fanboy' over bands i like a", "lot and will spend hours on their subreddits or", "facebook groups or youtube channels interacting", "with other fans and watching tons of live videos", "or funny behind the scenes videos of the band", "members.", "now, enter shikari can be a pretty roudy band at", "times, and after watching hours of live footage", "of a band i tend to act similarly to them/the", "frontmen when playing guitar + singing along in", "my bedroom. occasionally, some of them might do", "something like", "[this](https://youtu.be/_ad5qux-9iw?t=8m57s).", "usually they'll strum a guitar with a mic stand", "or something similar, but it took a ton of time", "just to find that footage and i don't have the", "patience to find a better example.", "anyway, today i was midway through playing some", "shikari stuff and it got to the insane breakdown", "on [ghandi, mate", "ghandi](https://youtu.be/bxhndmwtsza?t=3m39s). i", "was really getting into it, as i usually do.", "going absolutely mental. who cares right? no one", "can see me haha.", "midway through playing, i decide it would be a", "really cool idea to grab the bass sitting next to", "me and start whacking that against the strings", "with one hand. turns out that wasn't the best", "decision i've ever made... i have a spherical", "blue glass lampshade hanging in the middle of my", "room for my main light. it only hangs a couple of", "inches above head height, and a bass that is", "already half my height, held well over a metre", "above the ground is going to come into", "lamp-hitting range. in the moment, i didn't even", "think to take into consideration the fact that", "this large glass ball was hanging directly above", "my head, so i proceeded to pick up the bass.", "barely 5 seconds into this charade, the bass", "makes contact with the lamp. hard. before i even", "realise what's happened, shattered glass comes", "showering down over me. a few large pieces", "thumping against my head on the way down and", "smaller, sharper pieces *shredding* the guitar", "neck (literally, though - and my hand was right", "next to where there is a substantial cut in the", "wood; if my hand were any further down the neck,", "it could have some relatively deep cuts). i", "quickly pieced together what had happened after", "the piercingly loud crash, but a lot of it", "happened so fast it's become a blur. i hoovered", "up most of it but i think i've learned my lesson", "about swinging mighty great instruments around in", "confined spaces filled with delicate objects.", "one good thing came out of it though, 'cause i", "never really liked that lampshade anyway.", "i know this is in no way a massive fuck up, and i", "narrowly avoided a worse fate (so did my", "guitars), but thought it was a funny little fu as", "i now have barely half of a shattered lampshade", "left hanging from my ceiling and the way in which", "it happened was rather silly. spiky bits pointing", "down and all (gotta remove it fully soon).", "edit: i am currently wearing a plaster for", "another guitar-related injury... maybe playing", "guitar isn't as safe as it seems! :o" ]

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[ "today i was on my way to uni and had an hour to", "kill between trains. the station is a busy one in", "my country's capital and i wasn't in the mood to", "stay in amongst all the noise so i head out to", "get a drink nearby. i decide on the hotel next to", "the station and take a moment to check it out", "online. it's 5* and apparently has a cafe open to", "the public inside. i imagine quiet bliss and a", "nice cuppa and i'm sold. i enter and i'm shown to", "a table by a member of staff. i don't wait for a", "menu but instead ask for a cup of earl grey tea.", "i spot a cake stand and ask for a slice of carrot", "cake too.", "now here's the thing, i'd spotted many signs of", "luxury: the doormen, the marble lobby, the city", "centre location, etc. but had decided that paying", "a little more is worth it. my order arrives and", "the waiter does a full tea pouring ceremony", "before lining up about 8 tea service items. i am", "intrigued and take a look. the crockery is bone", "china. the seals on the metal wear say they're", "silver plated. i look up the brand online and", "learn that full tea service sets cost £1000. i", "look around again and notice the giant antique", "chandelier, the original glass ceiling dome, the", "(real?) gold detailing on the decor, the 100%", "linen furnishings. i again muse on the cost and", "decide that all will be fine.", "so now the moment to pay arrives. bear in mind", "that i could have settled for an early grey in", "the station for £1.80 and a slice of carrot cake", "for £2.95 and both would have been delicious. my", "bill comes to £20. yep, 20 british pounds.", "apparently my mediocre tea cost me £8 and my cake", "was £12. next to my bill was a slip asking how", "much i wished to leave as a gratuity. i felt", "stumped. i fumble for a note in my wallet and", "fish out a couple coins and a few minutes later i", "am walking out of this opulent haze back into", "reality with a wallet that is £22 lighter and a", "head and heart heavy with sadness." ]

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[ "**this actually happened today.**", "it all started a month ago when a friend asked me", "if i could hack his old nintendo 3ds to run", "custom apps by patching its os (_cfw_,", "instructions for anyone interested are on", "http://3ds.guide). unfortunately, it had an", "up-to-date firmware with no exploitable security", "vulnerabilities, so there were only two ways to", "install cfw: using some special/reflashed ds", "cartridge and entering a secret recovery mode, or", "opening the console, soldering a few wires and", "connecting them to a pc through a card reader.", "i had no suitable ds cart and didn't want to wait", "for one to arrive, so i decided to take apart the", "3ds and solder the wires (my soldering skills are", "quite good). however, i managed to strip half of", "its really tiny screws by using the wrong", "screwdriver and applying too little force.", "at that point, there was no way to remove those", "screws, but... i could drill through them (there", "were other screws keeping the 3ds together so", "losing them wouldn't have been a problem). _i", "did that in just two minutes and managed to take", "it apart!_ then i tried putting the battery back", "in and turning it on to see if it still worked.", "when i opened it to press the power button, i", "felt something sharp under my thumb. two screws", "were poking out of the console, and another one", "ruined the hinge as i opened it. i tried to", "remove them with many different tools, but they", "didn't want to get out.", "i got angry, told my friend what happened (he got", "angry too of course) and then removed all the", "electronics from the case. we started measuring", "everything with a caliper and designing a new", "custom case from scratch in a cad app. we're", "going to get it 3d printed by another friend", "who's lucky enough to have a really expensive sla", "3d printer. _by the way, i successfully did the", "hardmod and patched the firmware._" ]

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[ "so this happend a few hours ago im still slightly", "dizzy while typing this so if there is any", "mistakes its my bad. so i just came out of school", "and was walking down the main road back home with", "my friend and his little brother. he challenged", "me to do a front flip over a small metal fence", "thing looks like this! so i did it with my heavy", "rucksack on which got stuck and ended up falling", "head first onto the concrete i luckily didn't", "pass out although i was really close to i got up", "feeling very dizzy and my friend and his brother", "were looking at me with a shocked face and", "telling me how i had a huge deep cut in my", "forehead i couldn't feel anything in my head", "apart from a slight burn and none of us had", "phones with cameras (mine broke his phone got", "robbed) so i couldn't see how severe it was he", "quickly pulled out his classic phone his his", "father gave him and called a ambulance. we waited", "15 mins and nothing but people walking by and", "asking if i need help or taking pictures one lady", "was kind enough to give me some tissue so i apply", "pressure to my head after no ambluance come i", "tell them lets walk to the hospital whish isnt", "very far only 20-30 mins walk on the way how ever", "we saw 3 ambulances just casully driving by 2 of", "them ignored us but the 3rd one my friends", "brother waved at was kind enough to stop and told", "me to hop in. my friend said he had to go since", "his father would be worried were he was for so", "long. the lady on the ambulance took me to the", "hospital while telling me to apply pressure also", "there was a man driving. when i got there there", "they told me to wait on the chair in the kids", "section with my head still bleading. the poor", "kids were walking past me a guy with a face", "coverd in blood and dirt and a huge cut down his", "forhead. the poor kids were scared for life. 3", "hours later (still bleeding but not as much) a", "lady calls my name and takes me in a room and", "inspects the wound. she asks me my age i say 15", "she says she needs my parents number to phone", "them i told them i dont have a phone so they", "check the system for my fathers second name and", "my fathers and his old number comes up so they", "have no contact with my parents. they tell me to", "sit back down in the in the adults are this time", "i see alot of cute girls and there all staring at", "me at 1st i thought its because they think im", "cute but then realised its because i looks like i", "just came from hell. 2 hours later a lady calls", "me up and cleans my face with alcohol i told her", "the story of how i fell she couldn't stop", "laughing. they sent the police to my house to", "tell them what happend since they had no contact", "info my mom is scared as fuck because all the", "police tell her is i got a head injury and she", "thought i was in a coma and started crying.", "anyway my mom arrives abd goves them premission", "that they can do stiches and that shit hurt but", "atleast i have a good story to tell my friends.", "**", ".on the good side i had school tomorrow and it", "was non-uniform day and i have no money to buy", "good clothes so at least i missed bieng", "embarrassed. aldo i get to finish watching attack", "on titan" ]

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[ "[original post", "here](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/3u7y", "ih/tifu_by_posting_a_text_on_fb_that_may_have_ruin", "ed/)", "~~", "[screenshot of the fb", "post](https://imgur.com/a/pvq77), i have it saved", "but my mother has since deleted her fb and all", "her comments and private messages to me are now", "replaced with a message that she must authorize", "her account before i can read them again. there's", "a link in the original post with one of her pm's.", "as we are now approaching our third thanksgiving", "since being ejected from the family gatherings, a", "lot has happened since then and i wanted to pop", "back in to let those who might care about what", "has happened and what is planned on happening", "this thanksgiving.", "so where we left off is we went to our friends", "thanksgiving and weren't sure what was going to", "happen for christmas. similar to thanksgiving, we", "visited the family separate from my parents and", "it was rather uneventful. between that time i met", "one of my older sisters for dinner[ you can read", "about that", "here](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissist", "s/comments/3vt909/advice_ghosted_nmom_now_esis_is_", "starting_to_ask/).", "the reddit community directed me toward several", "sub-reddits that were super helpful during this", "time and i remain an active member at these", "places to this day on my main accounts.", "/r/raisedbynarcissists/\n\n/r/justnomil", "/r/justnofamily", "as well as a website", "[outofthefog.website](http://outofthefog.website/", ")", "my mother is not a full blown narcissist (but her", "[mother", "was](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists", "/comments/4k5qr3/ngma_committed_suicide_today/))", "but she definitely along the lines of", "[bdp](http://outofthefog.website/personality-diso", "rders-1/2015/12/6/borderline-personality-disorder-", "bpd).", "with my grandmother's suicide and a few other", "things happening though, some good has come from", "it but nothing has gone back to normal and i", "don't suspect it ever will.", "shortly after christmas, our family dog of 17 had", "to be put down. it was all very sudden, i was [no", "contact](http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/", "2015/12/3/no-contact)", "with my mother at this point and she was still", "stubbornly refusing to admit that she was in the", "wrong in any way. i got a call while at work that", "they would be putting our family dog down that", "afternoon and they would wait for me to arrive.", "this devastated me and i left my work to make a 2", "hour drive to the vet where my father, my mother,", "and eldest sister whom i had dinner with were", "waiting. understandably we were all very upset", "and didn't talk much.", "after our dear pet had passed on we left through", "the back door of the vet which led to the parking", "lot. it was just me and my father at first who", "just asked how i was and then remained silent. my", "mother joined shortly after and looked at me,", "still red-faced and swollen with tears:", "\"will you ever forgive me for being an asshole?\"", "she asked, voice thick with emotion. \"do you", "still love me?\" her arms reach out toward me,", "beckoning me for a hug and she is crying again. i", "am crying.", "\"you're my mother,\" is the only thing i can think", "of saying as i hold this woman who raised me to", "adulthood and was now holding onto me as she", "sobbed into my neck. \"of course i love you.\"", "there was some mentioning of my husband and his", "forgiveness in her blubbering, but i only said", "that i would not speak for him and we could talk", "about this at another time. we parted ways.", "i had deleted my facebook after this whole event.", "i was terribly embarrassed for a multitude of", "reasons. i read every single comment on my", "original thread, even the negative ones and", "really pondered them. there were some valid", "points that some had made, even if it wasn't in", "the kindest tone. there was a certain amount of", "naivety that had led to this whole event going", "down the way it had and i was ashamed since i", "felt like it was my fault and only my fault. to", "this day i tend to think thrice over sharing", "something in person or on the internet, in fear", "of it somehow being used against me. i", "re-activated my fb account this fall, but i do", "not post or share photos - i do this to be able", "to check in my friends.", "once i got into the sub-reddits i was able to", "find some research material in the ways of books,", "articles, and videos that discussed some of what", "i was experiencing. i reached out to a somewhat", "estranged sister (i have 2 older sisters, one who", "is the", "[gc](http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blo", "g/2015/11/4/favoritism)", "and the other i'm discussing now), who battled", "with my mother since her teens, and realized we", "had a lot more in common than i had realized. in", "rbn speak, she was the [black", "sheep](http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-b", "log/2015/11/4/scapegoating),", "and understanding the dynamic i was able to", "establish a connection with someone who", "understood what i was feeling and was able to", "just be there and let me know i'm not crazy for", "feeling the way i did or thinking the things i", "thought about the holiday situation and some", "situations experienced while growing up. if", "anything, out of this crazy and terrible mess,", "the re-connection with my sister was worth it. i", "don't know if we ever would have been as close as", "we are now if it weren't for having the", "realization that they vilified my sister because", "she would push back on my mother and call her out", "for her bad behavior.", "this opened my eyes to things that would really", "upset me or hurt my feelings that i had just made", "a habit of brushing off because \"that's how it's", "always been.\"", "to this day, my husband has not seen or spoken to", "my mother. neither has my mother seen or spoken", "to him, outside of telling me things to tell him.", "i do make brief appearances at major holiday", "family events. easter, relatives visiting from", "far away, thanksgiving, and christmas in the last", "year and this year. i went to my mothers house", "for a memorial day celebration where she invited", "everyone she knew, including her narcissistic", "brother who traveled from the south to attend,", "after her mother committed suicide. i wondered if", "it would be a moment of revelation for her. since", "then, she has softened, but she still has yet to", "admit what she said to him was wrong and hurtful", "and is waiting for him to \"get over it.\"", "she sends us cards in the mail. she has [now", "created this", "idea](http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-bl", "og/2015/11/4/gaslighting)", "that he would go to these family parties and be", "the 'life of the party' and 'always making", "jokes.' he in fact would often sit quietly and", "read magazines or play card games. he wasn't much", "of a jokster or talker in our family events.", "according to my mother, now, he was one of the", "high points of the gatherings and he needs to", "come back.", "my grandparents (fathers side) would often badger", "me about when he'd \"get over it and get back.", "it's just family.\" before i finally put my foot", "down after my 3rd family gathering of being", "hounded about him and why he wasn't there.", "\"i'm here now, why does it matter if he's here?", "he doesn't want to be around people who don't", "even want him in this country and i will not", "force him to be here.\"", "since that statement, my grandma have dropped", "asking about when he'd come back.", "our first thanksgiving (a year later) we spent", "once again with the friend that took us into his", "home. this time we hosted him, he brought some", "sides, we cooked some turkey and food and spent", "the evening playing video games and watching", "movies.", "christmas came with more pressure about how it", "wouldn't be the same without us, peppered with", "other guilt trips. i agonized over it for days", "leading up to christmas. i was told we would be", "celebrating christmas as a family at a certain", "time later in the day. while i was home, i once", "again told my husband i have no expectation of", "him attending any family functions and he was", "absolutely not allowed to feel conflicted about", "it just because my grandparents like to use guilt", "tactics. (\"sure, honey!\" he beams at me, making", "me feel better in knowing i am right for", "supporting him). hours before i am supposed to", "arrive to the family home i get a text from aunt", "asking where i was.", "\"what do you mean?\" i text back, \"i thought we", "weren't getting together for another 3 hours?\"", "\"we're here now just about to open presents. food", "is ready.\"", "i shouldn't have gone. looking back now, i", "realize this. but i was still emotionally fragile", "and still getting my feet under me (and my", "bravery to stand up to my family). today, now, i", "would've responded with \"oh well have fun! merry", "christmas!\" but that day, i frantically got out", "of my lounging clothes and raced over to catch", "the tail end of everyone opening presents.", "oh... also i was told not to get presents or", "bring presents for anyone. we weren't doing", "presents that year. guess what else was changed", "and no one bothered to tell me about?", "so i was pissed and also wanting to cry from", "embarrassment, not only showing up late but empty", "handed. i didn't want to take anyone's presents", "but they insisted. not that an extravagant amount", "of money had been spent on them, but they had", "taken the time to pick them out and wrap them for", "me and i had only brought a basket of goodies", "that i intended for people to pick from. nothing", "comparable to what i was given. i was pretty", "quiet and reserved for the first hour and into", "dinner (which they had also already eaten so i", "had to eat alone).", "all that hullabaloo about how it wouldn't be the", "same without **us** and **here i was** and it was", "like they never even noticed i was missing.. they", "pretty much had christmas without me and *they", "really didn't seem bothered by it at all.*", "reddit, don't judge me too harshly. i was a naive", "and sheltered woman who was raised in a very", "carefully guarded bubble of make-believe. i was", "really starting to take my first steps into what", "was my harsh reality and acceptance of that these", "people could and would maliciously hurt me to", "make themselves feel better and bigger. i", "believed i could heal things through the power of", "patience, logic, and what i believed was love. to", "some degree, i still want to believe they did", "these things out of ignorance and not spite.", "after that last christmas, i have only gone to", "easter and have gone to no other family events. i", "haven't seen my family in months and they are", "asking for my thanksgiving plans.", "reddit-fam, i'm having my 2nd annual", "friends-gaming-giving, i'll be running a 5k in", "the morning with some other friends, and i will", "stop by my grandparents to say hello to them and", "maybe have a drink and chat to catch up since i", "haven't seen the since april. my parents will", "probably be there and i'll talk with them too.", "then i'll leave, probably just as the rest of the", "family starts to show up (i park off to the side", "so i can't get blocked in, another strategy", "they've used) and i'll not think of them once as", "i go into my official start of thanksgiving.", "i continue to read to educate myself about npd", "and bpd. i enrich the relationships i have with", "my friends, who have been there for me when my", "family has failed me. i stand by my husband and", "will shield him from the dysfunction of my", "family, as it is my duty to defend him from those", "who think he has no rights to do so. i take a", "breath when i feel that anxiety-panic creep in", "when i feel like i'm displeasing my family by not", "doing what i'm told. i remind myself that we", "deserve to be treated with respect and that", "people who do not admit to their failings and", "instead push them onto you because you hold them", "accountable are not people you need in your life.", "i love my family. like most abusive", "relationships, you live for the good times and", "the loving moments. they are messed up and i have", "to keep them at an arms length for the good of my", "marriage and sanity. but i still love them. i", "hope, deep down, they know this.", "i'm sorry for the book length of the update.", "thank you for taking the time to read and thanks", "for the people who sent me pm's asking how things", "have been. there are good people here and you", "were there for me when i didn't know who else to", "turn to.", "thank you and have a wonderful thanksgiving and", "happy holidays." ]

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[ "happened last weekend.", "my half brother is impossible to shop for. he had", "made a comment about how the 23 and me testing i", "had done was interesting, so i decided to", "purchase him his own kit. we have different dads,", "so half of our results would be different.", "at this point, it's important you know my brother", "is a very proud native american. he has tribal", "tattoos on his arms, a dream catcher and eagle on", "his chest, and is active in the community. it's", "really the biggest bonding point he has with his", "dad.", "so he get his results in last weekend and he", "sends a picture. 0% native american. he's jewish.", "apparently, my mom hooked up with two guys close", "together and wanted it to be the guy my brother", "thought was his dad, so she said it was his baby.", "he's pissed, won't talk to my mom, hasn't told", "his dad, won't talk to me.", "proof: https://imgur.com/iqwg1gc" ]

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[ "so this actually happened during hurricane harvey", "i live in houston and stayed at my house for the", "storm. of course everyone in houston was scared", "of flooding and many did get water but luckily my", "neighborhood was mostly untouched save for my", "house...", "when there was talks of our water potentially", "being turned off my whole family jumped into", "action and one of the things we did was fill our", "tubs and sinks with water. i think you can see", "where this is going. so i started to fill my tub", "and didn't feel like just watching it so i sat", "down at my computer just as all my friends hopped", "on as well so i got caught up talking to them.", "some 20 min later i freeze and think fuuuuuuuck", "run to my bathroom and see a small pond forming", "on my floor and the carpet outside soaking wet.", "spent the next couple hours on my knees with a", "towel blowdryer and baking soda doing what i", "could. a couple months later i'm pretty sure i", "have mold and gonna have to go through the dry", "wall. and my family still jokes about how it", "wasn't hurricane harvey who got to them but me..." ]

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[ "so busy day and i have to get ready for a work", "trip away from home. the wife didn't sleep much", "last night but wanted to go out with the youngest", "and the dog, the eldest was at school, to do", "something fun on the last day. we have a great", "time, pick up the eldest, drop the car at the", "local garage for a service and head home.", "so i am raking for my travel bag and packing all", "my work gear, spare clothes and toiletries, the", "wife is starting on our supper but decides to", "light the wood stove in the living room so we can", "have a cosy last night, then continues on with", "supper. she finishes preparing the food and goes", "to sit in the living room and have a cup of tea", "while the food is cooking.", "meanwhile i have finished packing my bags, looked", "out my passport, taken my anti-malaria and am", "sitting doing some craft work with the eldest. we", "finish up and head through to the living room and", "as i enter i smell something burning, i see the", "fire is on but it is more like paper burning and", "i spot a box of matches that the wife had left on", "top of the fire d'oh!", "this is where i fucked up, the box look fine so i", "picked it up and started heading out the room", "with them but the bottom of the box catches my", "eye, it looks burnt, so i turn it over to see how", "bad it is. this is when the whole box decides to", "come to life. so this is where i fuck up again, i", "now have a box of matches fully alight in my hand", "so i decide to drop them and stamp it out,", "unfortunately the box springs open and burning", "matches go everywhere.", "luckily most of them landed on our rug and i", "managed to stamp out all the single matches while", "the wife got a towel to smother the box which was", "truly ablaze. i try stamping out the box but only", "accomplish melting my sock. thankfully the wife", "is back and we manage to smother the box and have", "time to survey the damage. only 3 matches landed", "on the carpet and only one was a bad burn, the", "rug is a right off along with my left sock and", "the carpet looks like it will need replaced.", "throughout it all my boys are laughing their", "heads off and cheering me on jumping on the", "flaming matches.", "luckily a quick google search suggested trying", "sand paper on carpet burns, half an hour later", "and the carpet is looking pretty good, it is", "noticeable to me as i know where it is but most", "people probably won't see it so all in all not a", "bad result, just down a rug, a sock and a box of", "matches." ]

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[ "i had a few drinks at the bar and i was feeling", "invincible. i picked a fight with a guy who i", "never really liked but he was always around for", "some reason. he's much smaller so i just knew it", "was gonna be a win for me. sadly he ended up", "beating my ass. security had to pull him off of", "me. my nose and mouth were bleeding. i'm pretty", "sure i would have beat him if i was sober but i", "was drinking and it impaired my fighting ability.", "the guy i fought and i have a lot of mutual", "friends in common and we attend the same", "university which sucks because i know i'm going", "to be forced to see him again, and no one wants", "to see the guy who kicked their ass.", "i'm known for being the tough one in my group of", "friends and they saw me get beat up badly. now i", "feel like they look at me differently. it's been", "so awkward since the fight. should i call for a", "rematch. my ego is shot. help." ]

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[ "there's actually two parts to this fuck-up. the", "first starts about a week or two ago, and the", "second part happened yesterday.", "so this begins when i drop my phone", "screen-first onto concrete. naturally, the screen", "breaks. so i do what any other person would do, i", "go to get the screen replaced. however, since my", "phone isn't a common iphone or android, they have", "to order the screen and i have to wait for a few", "weeks for it to get in. so i order the part, and", "wait. since i have some time, i begin to pick off", "the little bits of broken screen off the phone.", "fast forward to yesterday afternoon. i'm", "picking some bits of broken screen off my phone,", "when i fuck up: i drop the phone. again. and it", "lands, just like the last time i dropped it,", "screen-first on the floor. this time, however,", "the screen shuts off completely. i try to turn it", "back on, but to no avail. the screen is", "completely busted and won't turn on.", "i go to the phone store to see if they can", "fix it, but they can't do anything until the", "replacement screen comes in. thankfully, the rest", "of the phone still works, but i can't use the", "screen at all. so i decide to wait it out.", "you might be thinking to yourself at this point:", "*oh that's not too bad, he just can't use his", "phone for a few days.* but there's more.", "see, even though the screen is busted, the", "rest of the phone still works. including the", "speakers. also including the alarm i had *meant*", "to turn off that would wake me up at 4 am. so", "now, i'm waking up every morning at 4 am to a", "song i can't turn off.", "moral of the story: buy a case" ]

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[ "obligatory happened years ago. jk, it happened", "yesterday, and i'm still scarred.", "i love animals. a lot. i know people with special", "permits to handle and care for wild animals, so", "often they receive animals that i legally cannot", "care for. so, i've got my permit, and was driving", "with a sibling to get my hours in. we were on a", "back road, heading through the winding fields of", "bleak emptiness and foresty patches when i saw a", "raccoon in the road. it was alive, and didn't", "even fucking try to move.", "i swerved my ass to the side, but still felt a", "soft *thump* as we slowed to a stop. i got out,", "sibling is berating me for hitting something, and", "i pull out a flashlight, shining it underneath", "the car.", "the raccoon was dead. :( it's skull was cracked", "and smooshed against the road. it looked like", "roadkill, and... it was roadkill, very dead.", "(extremely dead. i wish i had pictures.) sibling", "gets out, circles around the front of the car,", "and goes,", "\"that's a fat raccoon.\" no, shit, it was pretty", "fat. but it's belly was still moving, like", "slightly wiggly moving.", "\"i think it's pregnant.\" i move the raccoons body", "(without *gloves,* myrtle? ik, it was dumb.) and", "lay it onto it's back. it's definitely pregnant,", "ready to pop. and that meant babies, which were", "going to die if they didn't come out.", "\"problem, it's definitely pregnant.\" after a few", "gross comments via sibling, he said, \"s/ why not", "a c-section, if you're so dead-set on helping", "baby rats?\"", "ya'll..", "i uh... idk if this was illegal. i hope not. if", "it was, i'm sorry. it was dead, so i thought it", "wouldn't hurt that much.", "i spread the raccoons vagina and tried to peek", "in. there were babies, sure, but i didn't know if", "i could help them out or not. i tried lightly", "squeezing it's middle, hoping that would push the", "babies out, i tried thumping on it's back,", "nothing was working.", "i feel ashamed to say i fisted a raccoon. it", "wasn't meant sexually, i had to get the babies", "out. so..", "i stuck my fingers into her, and spread her", "slowly, trying to use a bottle of water to", "lubricate her opening. and then i reached in and", "pulled one out. a baby! a tiny, mewling, itty", "bitty baby. sibling wrapped it up and put it in", "his knit hat. i reached back in, and pulled out", "two more, making a total of three babies, but..", "one of them wasn't breathing.", "i didn't know cpr, at least not how to do it on", "something so *tiny,* so instead i cried over it", "and carried the mama and dead baby to the side of", "the road.", "luckily the other babies survived, i don't think", "i could live knowing i fisted a raccoon for no", "good reason.", "it was disgusting, overall, but the babies were", "adorable. i kept them on my lap to keep warm, and", "we took them to a friend of mine who raises", "coons.", "i did it all without gloves. raccoons carry", "rabies and roundworm, idk if humans can get", "roundworm though. i'm going to the doctor on", "monday. fuck.", "**edit**- no rabies or roundworm! haven't heard", "back from friend on babies yet." ]

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[ "i skipped class on tuesday but i suffered the", "consequences today.", "so i'm currently a sophomore in college and i'm", "taking this construction class. it's extremely", "boring the professor often has nothing to talk", "about or teach us so he usually just makes us", "watch a boring 1 hour 30 minute long video for", "the entire class period. (i meet with my", "construction class every tuesday and thursday.)", "recently i started noticing this girl that's in", "the class with me and i find her very attractive.", "a few weeks back my professor announced a special", "event that was coming up on november 21st, or so", "i thought. this special event was a big showcase", "where all of these professional architects and", "interior designers met to give students", "internships and show off their new ideas.", "so as you could imagine there was a strict dress", "code for this event and you had to dress", "appropriately. i have no problem with this and", "i'm looking forward to the event. my professor", "kinda threw a curve-ball at the class when he", "said that he would be giving us a questionnaire", "that we had to fill out which would be worth a", "very significant amount of our grade. i need this", "grade because i find the class so boring that i", "often fall asleep along with a few other students", "in my class and this has resulted in me getting", "very low quiz grades in this class. but this", "little questionnaire should be a great grade", "booster for me. now i think to myself \"this is", "great, i have a chance to boost my grade and i'll", "be looking very nice during the event because i", "have a good outfit laid out so i'll try my luck", "with the very attractive girl in my class.\"", "but as we know, this is life. when do things ever", "go exactly how we want them to go? almost never!", "this is where things start to fuck up.", "i skipped my construction class on tuesday", "because i was so tired from staying up all night", "typing this paper for my english class. which i", "procrastinated to the very last second, which is", "my fault. so i used tuesday to catch up on some", "sleep, and then i went to english class on", "wednesday.", "so fast forward to this morning, i'm pretty tired", "from staying up last night playing rocket league,", "but i still manage to drag myself out of bed and", "i just said screw it and just threw some", "sweatpants on with a t-shirt and a hoodie. i get", "to class and i immediately know something is", "wrong when i walk into the room. after taking a", "good look around the room i notice that all of my", "classmates are dressed like they are about to go", "to a job interview. all of the girls are wearing", "nice skirts and heels, the guys are wearing nice", "pants with a button-up t-shirt. and then there's", "me... wearing my damn pajamas!", "nobody ever dresses this fancy just to come to", "this class so i know somethings up.", "my professor enters the room shortly after me and", "stands in front of the class and says \"wow all of", "you guys look wonderful, you'll definitely enjoy", "the event today.\" wtf i thought he said the event", "was next week on november 21st, turns out he said", "that november 21st was our last day of class", "before thanksgiving break.", "so since i dressed like a hobo today i was not", "allowed to attend this event, i no longer have to", "opportunity to do this easy assignment to boost", "my grade, and i didn't get to talk to my future", "baby momma. yea fuck me." ]

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[ "obligatory this was a few years ago.", "i had just moved to south korea, and one of the", "first things you learn is that koreans are", "absolutely obsessed with national sports.", "international competitions, the world cup, the", "olympics, the country practically shuts down so", "that koreans can cheer on their national", "athletes. (in some cases, literally, during the", "world cup, for example, the government puts up", "massive jumbotrons in many public squares, and", "people will skip school/work so they can go watch", "their team play; \"dae han min guk; fighting!\")", "so this was a few years ago during an", "international baseball competition called the", "world baseball classic (wbc). it's a cool", "competition, like a baseball version of the world", "cup (i wish americans liked it more). countries", "put together national teams of all of their best", "players and go play each other.", "so a few years ago, i'm fresh off the boat in", "korea, and i happen to visit the bank in sillim", "(a district in seoul) with a coworker while this", "wbc is going on. in fact, it's the championship", "game between korea and their hated rivals, japan.", "(there's a lot of baggage among china, the", "koreas, and japan.)", "it's the bottom of the 9th and korea is at bat.", "they're down by 1 run with a runner on, but", "they've got two outs already. this korean batter", "(i can't remember his name) comes up to bat, and", "apparently he has a reputation as a bit of a", "slugger.", "everybody in the bank, the customers, the", "tellers, the security guards, literally everyone", "has stopped what they're doing and joined a big", "crowd in the lobby watching this game. as a", "baseball fan, i join in.", "the japanese pitcher is up in the count, and", "korea is on the ropes with two outs and two", "strikes. the game is almost over. the pitch comes", "in, it looks like a fastball, but this late in", "the game, the pitcher just didn't have the heat", "he had earlier on. the korean batter just crushes", "this thing, a towering shot to center.", "as i watch, the ball sails over the outfield wall", "for a home run. that puts korea up! korea wins", "the wbc! i start freaking out, yelling and", "celebrating. reacting to my excitement, everybody", "else joins in.", "people are jumping up and down. other people are", "hugging. older people are like crying and", "slapping each other on the back. it's over! korea", "has toppled japan for the championship!", "as i'm kind vicariously surfing this joy, i keep", "watching. suddenly the camera cuts back...", "the home run was a replay from the last time", "korea and japan played...", "i don't speak korean, and i'd never seen an", "athletic event in korea, so i had no idea that", "they'd cut to a replay from a previous game...", "the camera cuts back to the live game and slowly", "everybody begins to realize that the celebration", "is premature.", "the japanese pitcher winds up and throws a smoker", "right down the middle. the korean slugger swings,", "misses, and strikes out. korea goes down.", "20 seconds ago, everybody'd been overloaded with", "joy. now they've lost the wbc. they're so pissed", "off, and they're looking for somebody to blame", "for getting them all excited over a f**king", "replay. an old guy notices the 6'3\" white guy", "hiding in the back and starts yelling at me in", "korean. everybody turns around, red-faced and", "livid.", "they chased me out of the bank and into the", "street...", "i had to change banks..." ]

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[ "as is the norm in this subreddit, this did not", "happen today. rather, it happened approximately", "11 months ago at my previous job.", "i worked for a very small webdevelopment company", "consisting of only me and my boss. my boss had", "hired me specifically to assist him with working", "on several projects that he couldn't handle", "alone, and after a busy six months we", "successfully worked through most of them. my boss", "hadn't had a single day of vacation in over a", "year, and he decided to take the opportunity to", "take a week and a half off for saint nick's, the", "dutch/flemish version of christmas that takes", "place in early december. this left me alone in", "charge of the company for a week despite being", "employed for less than six months, but", "considering most of our projects were either", "finished or on hold, all i had to do was take", "care of some maintenance and incoming calls from", "clients. piece of cake, i got all the maintenance", "done on monday and spent all of tuesday just", "playing final fantasy xiv while waiting for", "calls.", "sure enough, on wednesday i get a call from a", "client that we just finished a big project for.", "the client is very satisfied with the results of", "the project, but requested a couple of small", "design changes that would keep me busy for a", "while. i finished testing the changes about four", "hours later, and tried to submit the changes to", "the client's server through tortoise. however, i", "then got an error message that displayed several", "conflicts between our and our client's widget", "files. this was nothing out of the ordinary, as", "our client's internal developers would often", "update these files without notifying us. i didn't", "think much of it, so i committed my changes and", "copied their widget files back to our development", "folder to keep our development environment", "consistent. i went back to playing ffxiv and", "thought nothing of it.", "the rest of the week was pretty quiet, until i", "suddenly got an angry phone call from our client", "on friday at 4:00 pm. the client furiously", "shouted at me that their website had been broken", "for two days, and that he had been mailing me", "constantly with no response. i did not recieve", "any e-mails in this time even after refreshing my", "inbox and checking my spam folder (i still have", "no idea what was up with that, i guess he had my", "e-mail address wrong), but when i went to check", "on the website it was a complete train wreck. the", "search function didn't work, the slider that", "displayed the products didn't work, almost the", "entire administrator back-end was broken and the", "calendar that was used to schedule discounts just", "simply wasn't there, amongst many other small", "tiny issues. now, this client wasn't just some", "sports shop or gift vendor. this client was the", "country's biggest online jewelry retailer, and", "their website had just been completely broken the", "week before saint nick's eve, when they were", "expecting big sales.", "needless to say, i completely panicked. i managed", "to find out the cause after a while; it turned", "out that it wasn't our client who had updated", "their widget files, but it was my boss who had", "updated ours! i desperately searched around", "github and other online sources to find the", "updates for these files, but i only managed to", "find a few of them. so, i reached out to one of", "our client's internal developers to help me with", "finding these files. but because i was so", "panicked, i completely lost my marbles and just", "gushed over how badly i screwed up and how stupid", "i was. eventually we did manage to fix the", "problem, but we had to stay in until 8:00 pm and", "their internal developer had done most of the", "work because i had literally made myself sick", "from the stress. either way, the damage was done;", "the company didn't deliver in the weekends, and", "next monday was saint nick's eve. they had missed", "out on a *lot* of revenue because of my mistake.", "to my surprise, my boss never found out about", "what happened. however, by the time he came back", "from vacation, he had recieved an e-mail from the", "client telling us that they would maintain their", "website internally in the future. they had", "essentially fired us. this client however had", "been a massive part of the company's work and", "revenue, and so there was no longer enough work", "or money to keep me employed. i ended up spending", "another two months with the company without any", "work to do whatsoever, and i was eventually let", "go in mid-february when my contract ran out.", "thankfully, i don't have to commit anything at my", "current job. but the experience has made me", "incredibly anxious about contact with customers,", "as well as about having the responsibility for", "all the webdevelopment in this company. i dread", "the day i might make another similar mistake." ]

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[ "this happened only a few hours ago at work. at my", "work station i have a little usb charger that i", "always use to charge my e-cig (we're not allowed", "vape at work but it's ok to charge your e-cig).", "it was fully charged by break time so during my", "break i went out to my car to get the spare", "battery to charge that one too. i grabbed the", "battery from the glove compartment and put it in", "my pocket. then i locked my car and put my keys", "in my pocket too. as i was walking back inside i", "could smell smoke. at first i didn't think", "anything of it because the smoking hut is nearby", "so i assumed it was coming from there. i", "approached my work station and one of my", "colleagues yelled at me that there was smoke", "coming from my pocket. i looked down and sure", "enough smoke and a smell of burning rubber was", "coming from my work trousers. at this point i", "instantly knew the cause (i knew the battery was", "in there). worried that it might explode and burn", "my leg i quickly reached into my pocket, grabbed", "the battery and threw it onto the ground.", "thankfully the battery never exploded but it left", "a hole in my pocket and one of my keys had its", "rubber handle melt a little.", "note to self: never put a battery in the same", "pocket as a bunch of keys." ]

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[ "hello all, don't stop by this subreddit much, but", "today i had a pretty severe tifu (for me anyways)", "moment at work. i work at a pretty well known", "automotive repair chain as a beginner mechanic", "(done some pretty in-depth work on my '66 mustang", "with the help of my father), and had a 2014", "impala come in for a simple alignment. pretty", "uncomplicated toe adjustment (fronts of the tires", "being pointed inward or outward per manufacturer", "specs, affects steering wheel being straight or", "not (relevant later)) front and rear. the car", "originally had the steering wheel pointed to the", "right about 30* or so.", "get it all done and a couple hours later, returns", "saying the steering wheel is not centered. so, i", "figured it was the electronic power steering", "(eps) (alignment machine warns us when altering", "adjustments can cause the eps to null our", "adjustments). come to find out our scanner (to", "read codes, data, etc.) took a crap and won't", "connect to any car (period). informed the", "customer and he was calling bs. manager spoke to", "him and told him about newer cars having eps", "these days. so, drove to one of our other shops", "down the road and noticed this car doesn't have", "eps and the steering wheel is off to the left", "just a tiny bit now instead of the right. arrive", "at the shop, and proceed to just use their new", "alignment machine (ours is an old pos - the", "readings wander around on their own, very", "irritating, company says nothing is wrong with", "it) instead.", "as i drive up on the lift (carefully, as there's", "no mirror above the alignment machine to see", "where you are), i just hear a psssshhhhh and the", "tire pressure light pop on. nailed one of the air", "jacks on the lift as i was too far to the right", "and put a nice hole in the sidewall. called up my", "manager, and informed him of my complete fuck up.", "got a new tire courtesy of us, and get everything", "aligned with the help of a master technician", "there (had no idea how to use the new machine),", "all while anxious and jittery due to having that", "\"i completely fucked everything up and today is", "going way south day\". leave and head back to my", "store.", "luckily the guy understood and was calm (although", "probably upset still), and bought another tire to", "match the new one. in the mix of things half way", "through putting the new tires on the rear, i", "though i heard \"he wants to get new tires for the", "front too,\" so i dismount the other 2 tires and", "wait for new ones. turns out it was \"he wants the", "new ones on the front.\"", "get everything finally together properly and test", "drive to ensure straight steering wheel. off to", "the right a tiny bit. return and adjust slightly.", "over adjusted and is now off to the left some.", "adjust slightly to the right and for the final", "time, get it as spot on as i can. hour and a half", "after i was supposed to clock out, its finally", "done. talked to the guy and explained the", "situation more, turns out he's an electronic", "technician (goes way into depth on how", "electronics work, tells us our machine may", "actually be fucked in a technical manner). after", "all this, i head home (as fast as traffic", "allowed) to enjoy a nice glass (turned into 2) of", "bourbon to ease my feelings and reflect on", "today's terrible moments and just learn from it", "(shit happens ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ )." ]

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[ "cw: total gross out", "so, this actually happened yesterday, but after", "the events of the day i was in no position to", "concern myself with same-day tifu cred.", "it all started on sunday, my partner and i took a", "spirited jaunt through a nearby coastal forest,", "collecting interesting and delicious mushrooms", "along the way. we picked up a nice porcini", "(*boletus edulis*) that, upon returning home, was", "promptly added to a delightful risotto. along", "with the porcini, we had also picked up two very", "large boletes of as-yet-unidentified provenance.", "when i say very large, i mean these things were", "about 9-10 inches tall and probably weighted a", "few pounds each. although they had a few key", "differences from the porcinis that i usually", "collect, after researching they were identified", "as being most likely a local variant of *boletus", "edulis*.", "*nota bene: unless you want to submit your own", "tifu about shitting your pants or liver failure,", "you should never, ever, ever eat a wild mushroom", "without being 100% positive of the id. when in", "doubt, throw it out!*", "we had ruled out any poisonous options for the", "huge boletes, so the only thing left to do was a", "taste test. i fried up a few pieces of cap and", "stem in a skillet separate from our meal", "preparations. the taste was not bad, but not as", "rich and savory as the classic porcini. i will", "say that the boyfriend wanted nothing to do with", "eating these things. i should have taken note of", "this, as he's usually the more adventurous when", "it comes to strange mushrooms. i wasn't sure if i", "wanted to dry them out or throw them away, so i", "left them in the wicker collecting basket on the", "counter.", "monday comes, after a long day of work and", "hitting the gym, i want to come home and watch", "some dumb shows on netflix. not particularly keen", "on cutting up these mushrooms for the dehydrator.", "in the basket they stay.", "tuesday is a long day for me. work, then doctor's", "appointment, then yoga, then meeting friends for", "drinks. i get home around 10:30 and the first", "thing i notice is the horrible, horrible smell.", "like the dumpster behind a fish-processing", "facility.", "now, my partner is a big fan of god's own", "monstrosity known as the lobster mushroom, a", "thing that looks and smells like a wad of rotten", "garbage. i knew he had been cutting up some of", "these vile things and thought perhaps there were", "some leftover bits and pieces that had gone", "particularly ripe. without turning on the lights,", "i grabbed the cutting board from the kitchen and", "hustled it out the back door. that's when i", "noticed that my collecting basket on the counter", "looked almost empty.", "at first i thought that bf had stopped by and", "perhaps had a second thought about eating those", "mushrooms, but then i noticed a growing puddle of", "liquid seeping from underneath the basket. that", "was when i realized, the giant mushrooms hadn't", "gone anywhere, they had utterly and completely", "putrefied.", "quickly i grabbed the basket and tossed the", "contents over the back porch railing. even before", "i turned on the light, i knew it was gonna be", "bad, but still nothing could fully prepare me for", "the horror that would await. underneath where the", "basket had been, soaking in a putrescent brown", "liquid, were thousands of tiny fucking maggots.", "like literally thousands. the wormy liquid had", "also soaked into the dishtowel where i had lain", "my clean dishes, and onto the dishes themselves.", "are you ready to die yet? because it gets worse.", "the whole nightmarish scene was unfolding", "directly above my open dishwasher. which meant", "that my dishwasher, too, was now full of hundreds", "of maggots. as was my kitchen floor and every", "corner of my kitchen counter.", "i'll spare you the further details but i", "eventually handled it, mostly by dying inside and", "also burning my house down with a flamethrower. i", "will never feel safe again, also stay away from", "shrooms, kids, it's just not worth it.", "edit: you crazy fuckers asked for pics. nsfl,", "obvi.", "[maggot", "pocalypse](https://imgur.com/gallery/043bp)" ]

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[ "so as it usually goes, this didn’t happen today.", "this actually happened around 5 years ago.", "i was trying to have a relaxing day so i decided", "to take a bath. i was going through a puzzle", "phase at this point in my life so i turned on the", "water and went into the living room to work on", "one i had just started. my mistake began when i", "put in my headphones and started listening to", "pandora. flash forward to a little over three", "hours later and my phone lagged between songs.", "during this little moment of no music i heard the", "bath water.", "fuuuuck.", "i jumped up and ran to the bathroom. the entire", "floor was full of water. i turned the water off", "immediately only to still hear some falling.", "that’s when i realized that water was pouring", "down the vent into the fully furnished basement.", "i rushed downstairs to find most of our ceiling", "tiles on the ground and waterfalls gushing from", "the ceiling. in my panic i decided to call my", "grandpa since it was his house. he has anger", "issues but he heard me sobbing and didn’t freak", "out on me. we spent the rest of the weekend", "picking up soaked tile and using a machine to", "suck the water out of the (sadly) carpeted floor." ]

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[ "this happened around 2010.", "at the time i had been pretty into the game dota", "for about a year. i was in high school and fucked", "around not taking school seriously so i ended up", "playing a lot of dota, maybe around 45 hours/week", "on average. so while i was far from being a pro i", "was quite decent.", "anyway cut to the summer, i am hanging out in", "cambodia with some old friends as i used to go to", "school there. having a blast, smoking cheap ass", "weed and just catching up with old friends while", "meeting new ones. anyway, it turns out my old", "friends there also played dota, albeit no where", "near as much as me and thus i was quite a bit", "better than them. whenever we would play, usually", "a couple of games/day, i would destroy worlds,", "carry my time and in general have a blast.", "so this brings us to the fuck up. i went to an", "internet cafe with my buddies and some of their", "buddies to play some dota. i choose goblin", "techies for this game.", "for those who don't know who goblin techies was,", "he was basically a pretty shit hero in dota in", "terms of his end game carry potential, but he was", "quite strong early-mid game and could be", "incredibly annoying to the other team and also", "quite powerful if they aren't that great. a final", "detail about techies is that his main use case is", "in placing mines which other heroes walk over and", "get blown up on, which makes his gameplay quite a", "bit different from most other dota heroes.", "so anyway, i pick techies and get laned with a", "guy in our group on the other team i don't really", "know. it became apparent that he had know idea", "how techies worked or how to play against a", "techies as he just kept falling victim to my", "mines over and over again. he begins to get very", "frustrated and expresses this verbally. this", "continues into mid game where every time he dies", "from my mines he screams and curses in a fit of", "rage.", "at this point the guy also starts talking very", "loudly about the item he wants to save up for in", "this game. i take note and keep on killing him", "trying to delay his getting of this item as much", "as possible for shits and giggles. i do this", "quite well as leading into late game he still", "doesn't have the item and is providing all of us", "at the internet cafe with expletive laden", "commentary on his slow ascent to this item.", "anyway, he finally gets the gold for this item.", "he is ecstatic and is triumphantly yelling to us", "all about this victory. now this particular item", "was only available at the secret shop, which i", "have access too (vs it being an item he buys at", "his base shop that i don't have access too).", "anyway leading up to him getting close to getting", "this item i had laid a shit load of mines at the", "secret shop. once he got there ready to pick up", "his item and the glory that went along with it i", "detonate my mines and suddenly his loud bragging", "turns to silence. the silence then turns to", "screaming. loud screaming. he kicks a whole in", "the wall under where his computer is. he gets up,", "still screaming, picks up his cpu and throws it", "full force into the ground. \"fuck your techies\"", "he screams in a loud german accent and he then", "sprints out.", "we eventually resolved the dispute and had to", "contact the kids parents and they paid the", "internet cafe back. all in all it was pretty", "funny but jesus his freak out was a bit scary. in", "hindsight i shouldn't have gone out of my way to", "troll him so badly as i was basically solely", "focusing on killing this guy to enrage him more", "over winning the game." ]

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[ "this was in the spring going into summer months.", "my cousin and i shared a two bedroom apartment on", "the second floor. this is a private four unit", "building, probably built in the early 90's or so.", "it wasn't fancy but it was nice for us.", "occasionally we'd hear these little scratching", "sounds in the attic (which was inaccessible).", "never really thinking too much of it, we never", "had an issue with pests of any kind. so we wrote", "it off as maybe a bird or a chipmunk. again it's", "not like we'd hear it all the time and only if it", "was quiet.", "it progressively got worse but now we knew where", "the sound was coming from, you could hear it", "coming from one spot in his bedroom, the corner.", "again, being young and naive and not really", "caring- because it really wasn't a bother, we", "ignored it. maybe once debating whether or not to", "tell the landlord. we didn't want to be those", "people. after all it really was a very gentle", "sound, maybe it's the building because it's old i", "don't know.", "on a warm tuesday morning we both get up and head", "off to work. he closes his bedroom door because i", "recently got a puppy and he didn't want him to", "wreak havoc in his room.", "so now it's about 330pm and we both arrive home", "surprisingly at about the same time, to look up", "at a window that is covered in wasps. clearly on", "the inside.", "holy- fuck. my dog. the dog was fine, he had his", "door shut, and us having carpet it was a perfect", "seal- no access out of the room for the angry mob", "of wasps.", "turns out this nest was probably years in the", "making because it weighed enough to eventually", "come crashing through the sheetrock while we were", "at work, exploding on his bed and letting out", "thousands and i mean thousands of miniature", "raging serial killers.", "i am not kidding when i say thousands. you could", "hear the buzzing when we went into the apartment,", "from the foyer. thank jesus his heat duct was", "closed too for whatever reason, maybe luck who", "knows.", "don't ignore sounds coming from your attic,", "albeit how small they are. imagine if he was", "asleep and this happened in the middle of the", "night?!", "edit: we called our landlord and they sent", "exterminators over to bomb. it was a mess in the", "room. they also sealed the hole with new sheet", "rock.", "edit 2: so the title is definitely supposed to", "say \"by\" not \"be\" the iphone auto correct is", "disabling.", "edit 3: i wrote this in comments but i feel like", "i have to say it. people are saying the tenant is", "at fault for not reporting such and such and they", "should be held liable. do you know how quiet god", "damn wasp footsteps are? probably not because", "you've never been close enough. sorry had to say", "it. should be liable.", "edit 4: vacuuming sounded like sucking up", "confetti. thick chunks of confetti of death.", "edit 5: so i didnt post this before thinking it'd", "make this story way too long and blah blah. my", "mom (who is deathly allergic to bee stings) had", "lived in texas for the past year and a half and", "moved back to upstate ny (guilderland) during", "this time. she popped over and decided to stay", "the night (my cousin and i arranged) i always", "think if maybe she was there - she left probably", "a couple hours before the crash. but would i be", "responsible for my moms death. i don't think i", "could live with myself." ]

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[ "this wasn't today, but yesterday, late at night.", "we were playing 500 on my friends trampoline,", "with his little bros. to make it easier for them,", "i stood in the very front and could only lunge", "blindly backwards for the ball. it was all fine", "and dandy, when i decided to jump as far as i", "could. i jumped, and managed to land on my neck,", "with my legs crumpled over me, and i hear a snap.", "i proceed to bike back to my house, where i wait", "it out. the pain doesn't go away, and it's late", "at night, so i have to go the er. the docs come,", "take my vitals etc. he then asks where it hurts,", "to make sure i didn't break a rib. he says we", "need x-rays, and when he checks the x-rays, it", "turns out i broke my sternum, by jumping on my", "back." ]

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[ "pardon my english, so today me and my friends went", "to watch get out. while selecting a seat i", "noticed that the theater were kinda full and", "there are only bottom a and b row and 3 seat on f", "row which are 1,4, and 7. being a picky person", "and i hate looking up in theater because it hurt", "my neck, so i chose the 3 seats on f row.", "we got our tickets walks in i took the ticket", "number 7 cus lucky 7 and gave other two to my", "friends. got in the room sat on f7 saw friend sat", "on f1 and the other walks to f4, but wait.", "someone is already there, my friend ask them to", "leave, but they refuse. friend now got no seat", "and movie start(the whole time i am watching my", "friend not paying attention to movie) friend", "move to sit on b3 cus it was open and movie is", "rollin. family of 3 came in claimed their seat on", "b3 now friend have to get out and get manager.", "friend came in with 3 employees, one walks up to", "f aisle and checked everyone tickets, the other", "two were peeking over the black curtain thing and", "left cus they seems no use. employee found out", "large couples sitting on f3 and f4 were in wrong", "seat but refuse to move for my frend the first", "time. they got up then moved to seat e11 and f12.", "e11 go back to sit at f3 while f12 went to sit at", "f5 but there were a couples sitting on f5&6 they", "panicked f5 went to f12 and f6 went to f4 (still", "wrong seat) now f6 is open and mark just stood by", "the railing, so i called him over and we share a", "sneaked in choco bar and the movie was dope.", "http://imgur.com/a/o4oip" ]

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[ "i was already having a really bad day today", "(credit fraud, illness, and just a generally", "stressful workday), so when i got home from work", "i decided to cheer myself up by working on my", "first cosplay, which i started working on just a", "few weeks ago. i had the wig for the cosplay", "sitting in a bag, unopened, so i decided i would", "wash it and try it on. took the wig out of the", "bag, looked up a tutorial, and washed it in my", "bathroom sink, then wrapped it in a towel to dry.", "no problem so far. so while waiting for it to", "dry, i put on the hairnet that came with the wig,", "to see how well it fit over my actual hair.", "almost fits perfectly, but my hair grows really", "quickly for a guy's, so it would either stick out", "in the back or create an unsightly lump when i", "managed to get it all shoved in there. so, seeing", "a nice clean pair of scissors sitting there right", "next to the sink, i decide to give my hair a", "trim, figuring that just cutting a tiny bit on my", "own couldn't go too badly.", "fu#1- my hair looks from the back as if it was", "savaged by a wolverine.", "i look in the mirror, grimace a bit, but think", "\"oh well, i've never really cared about", "appearances, it'll just be a minor annoyance for", "a few days\", and then, as i'm cleaning all of the", "hair off the bathroom door, i have a fantastic", "idea. my girlfriend got off work later than i did", "today, which almost never happens, so i decided", "that i would surprise her by dressing up in my", "cosplay ensemble (at least, the stuff that i had", "already finished of it) and chilling on the couch", "by the apartment door so she would see it as soon", "as she got home. so i start searching for one of", "the accessories for the cosplay, and can't find", "it anywhere. i start panicking, since i put so", "many hours of work into this accessory, and can't", "remember if i saw it when i cleaned the apartment", "last week and threw a bunch of stuff away. i", "start tearing the apartment apart looking for it,", "even opening and sifting through a few garbage", "bags in case i threw it away.", "fu#2- ransacked my entire apartment a few days", "before monthly inspections.", "now my hair looks terrible and i know i will have", "a lot of extra cleaning to do in the 3 days", "before apartment inspections begin, but at least", "i have all of the parts of my uncompleted cosplay", "together. so i put everything on, including the", "wig, which feels a bit damp, but not too wet at", "all, and chill on the couch by the door. this", "gets boring after a while, since i've forgotten", "when my girlfriend is actually supposed to be", "home, so i grab my laptop and decide to watch", "some videos. with my really nice pair of gaming", "headphones. completely forgetting about all the", "moisture still trapped in that wig.", "fu#3- shorted out a pair of fairly expensive", "headphones, making that the third pairs of", "headphones i've broken in the past 6 months", "so yeah, my day could be going a lot better. but", "i still have high hopes for my cosplay!", "edit: haven't made many posts on reddit, edited", "slightly to make it more readable" ]

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[ "i worked for a beer distributor as a logistics", "supervisor... making sure beer got out to 10000", "or so stores bars etc. i had access to the boss'", "computer because when he wasn't in he would often", "ask me to look things up or send emails or", "reports for him from his email. i would also", "snoop around his email and browser history etc.", "for juicy tidbits.", "well on this day, i found out my position was", "being downsized and centralized and there was a", "termination letter written by the head of hr", "attached to an email. my boss was expected to", "fire me the next day. the severance package was", "weak and i decided it would be best if i quickly", "got together paperwork from my local hr file to", "give me some leverage in asking for more or", "suing.", "i have adhd and left the letter up on my boss'", "screen. the screen went to sleep soon after, and", "even though i was in the same private office", "making copies for the rest of the evening, i", "neglected to go back and close the email.", "the next day when i arrived, ready to be fired, i", "was called into my boss' office. there was the", "letter still on the screen. he told me i left it", "up overnight and asked me how long i had been", "snooping on his computer. i told him i didn't", "know what he was talking about.", "needless to say i was fired with cause and with", "no severance package. i did not sue, as the", "logins would clearly have shown i was the only", "one who could have been using his computer at", "this particular times. i missed out on about", "$30k in severance and buyout.", "well on this day, i found out my position was", "being downsized and centralized and there was a", "termination letter written by the head of hr", "attached to an email. my boss was expected to", "fire me the next day. the severance package was", "weak and i decided it would be best if i quickly", "got together paperwork from my local hr file to", "give me some leverage in asking for more or", "suing.", "i have adhd and left the letter up on my boss'", "screen. the screen went to sleep soon after, and", "even though i was in the same private office", "making copies for the rest of the evening, i", "neglected to go back and close the email.", "the next day when i arrived, ready to be fired, i", "was called into my boss' office. there was the", "letter still on the screen. he told me i left it", "up overnight and asked me how long i had been", "snooping on his computer. i told him i didn't", "know what he was talking about.", "needless to say i was fired with cause and with", "no severance package. i did not sue, as the", "logins would clearly have shown i was the only", "one who could have been using his computer at", "this particular times. i missed out on about", "$30k in severance and buyout.", "tl;dr", "that's the tifu by snooping on my boss' computer,", "finding my own termination letter, leaving it", "open on the screen and losing my severance and", "buyout package worth $30k." ]

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[ "so obligatory this didn't happen today. this", "happened when i was 9. also im on my phone so", "sorry for terrible formatting.", "the whole ordeal began with me getting a brand", "new knife for christmas. i was a scout and had", "recently completed a knife handling course and", "got a nice badge for it. next morning i thought i", "would take it with me and go see what my dad was", "doing in the stables. he was milking the cows and", "i got bored pretty quickly. then i thought i", "could find a small block of wood and carve it", "with my new knife. so i started searching and", "found one quickly. i decided to sit down in some", "hay and start carving. the first few cuts i was", "really cautious because i didn't want to carve", "out too much wood, but as i removed more and more", "wood my grip got worse. i decided to grip it", "differently and started carving again. all of a", "sudden my grip slipped a bit and the knife sliced", "through my hand. i saw the gaping wound in my", "hand and thought i should go find my dad. i got", "up and walked really fast, dont ask why i didnt", "run because i dont know, while calling for my", "dad. he walked towards me and asked what was", "wrong and i said i cut myself really bad. he", "picked me up and squeezed my wrist rather hard", "and went inside our house. we live pretty far", "from everything so my mom packed my hand in with", "a towel and put me in the car, and we rushed to", "the er.", "when we got there, the lady at the desk scolded", "us for not calling first and then i showed her my", "hand and then she said sorry and agreed that we", "didnt have time to call. it was rather quiet", "since it was the day after christmas so the", "doctors could see me immediately. they had to", "sedate the area around the wound so that they", "could stitch it. my hand didnt hurt until they", "poked me with those needles. after 5 minutes a", "nice nurce came in to wash the wound and when she", "was done she had disassemble the machine for", "hygiene reasons. it was pressureaided but she", "forgot to secure it so when she pulled off the", "hose, water sprung up on the roof and we all got", "pretty soaked. after that the docs came and", "stitched my hand. they said i was lucky and didnt", "hit any nerves or muscles but i missed by only", "1-2 millimetres.", "luckily i have no permanent damage from it but i", "have a big gnarly scar https://imgur.com/mrwfjvp", "the wound was actually all the way to the top of", "my thumb but didnt need to be stitched all the", "way" ]

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[ "it may have a lot of grammar issues. english is", "not my main language and i didn't attend to", "classes. let's start!", "well, as usual, this happened about a month ago.", "it was saturday's night and, as usual, i decided", "to go to a pub with friends, but before, as it is", "normal in my country, we went to a \"previa\",", "which is something like a pre-party, with only", "friends. we didn't drank too much, and when it", "was 3am it was time to go.", "there was like 50 people in the previa, so we", "waited. one taxi, two, three... i don't know why", "there wasn't any taxis and me and four friends", "said: let's go walking, the pub is only 15 blocks", "away! first error (plus: the neighbourhood wasn't", "exactly safe).", "all right, no problems for about 7 or 8 squares,", "when we get to a dark intersection we saw 3", "people walking towards us, we thought they will", "just pass out and no problem, adding that we were", "also five people. probably the main error.", "i don't know what the fuck happened but when i", "could realize i was grabbed by the neck, three of", "my friends were running towards one of their", "houses, and i couldn't see the fourth friend.", "this people grabbing me were telling me things", "they would normally say in an assault, like \"give", "me your phone\" \"give me your wallet\". i", "phisically refused to them trying to take my", "stuff, and when i heard the one grabbing me say", "\"pass me the knife\" i was scared as hell, i", "applied a technique i learned in taekwondo and", "could safely escape. i was a bit drunk, i was", "nervous and scared and i didn't think about my", "friend. he was also being assaulted. as the other", "people who were assaulting him saw this", "situation, they stabbed him, stole his phone and", "ran out.", "we called an ambulance and happily he's good, the", "knife didn't reach vital organs, but both we", "could die and stolen just because of laziness and", "not wanting to pay a taxi." ]

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[ "this happened yesterday, so after school a couple", "friends of mine went to the mall near our school", "and i rode a skateboard while everyone else", "biked. once we got there we bought what we needed", "and i felt the need to buy a coffee from the cafe", "there. some context the mall is on a pretty steep", "hill so it was a challenge getting up it, back to", "the story so as we were leaving i realized, man", "it would be fun to skateboard down the hill and i", "said why no. so then i started riding until i", "realize oh crap i'm going too fast and so i", "scrambled for ideas till i came up with i'll just", "jump off the board and sprint one thing wrong", "with that i was wearing really tight jeans so", "sprinting would be a challenge. i went for it", "anyway and jumped off the board then attempted to", "sprint that didn't work out, the top half of my", "body went much faster then my bottom half and i", "flipped out landed on my shoulder and my", "backpack. the coffee i was holding went", "everywhere i was soaked and i had a finger", "looking bent wrongly and so i got up, took off my", "shirt and realized i had second degree burns and", "a broken finger, i went to the hospital and got a", "hand cast cause it turns out i broke my who hand.", "moral of the story don't be an idiot" ]

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[ "so i'm in my last year at university. i've got a", "few essays left to do that i'd already started", "and got all the references for. the next few days", "was looking easy. no need to go to the library,", "just chill in and get it done.", "i had a hard week last week; i was ill, wrote an", "essay in a day and had a job interview, so i", "decided to take it easy this weekend, even though", "i've two essays in next week.", "so it's all going well, i had a lie in and then", "went to the shop for some drinks and some food.", "later on i'm sat chilling at my desk, drinking my", "way through a crate of beer, smoking a joint,", "watching ted talks about a.i., really havin a", "good ol time. my flat mate and his girlfriend", "walk in and we start chatting about his mexican", "food they just had. i reach for my lighter which", "is beside the beer, on the left of my laptop", "dead-centre on the desk. i don't know how it", "happened, maybe someone said something", "interesting, maybe i went to pass the joint, but", "mid-reach and i spun and knocked the beer. but", "the damn thing goes over where all over the", "keyboard. i shoot up instantly. dry it off with a", "shirt.", "flip it upside down and put it near the radiator.", "it works for a second and then goes off. won't", "turn on.", "i've had the laptop 3 years and it's lasted well.", "i've dropped it down the stairs, one of the", "speakers is broken etc. it's been a hard life for", "it (i'm clumsy) and it's made it though it all.", "now it's dead and il have to spend every day in", "the library. i hope everything is on icloud", "otherwise i've lost a lot. though il have to wait", "a while to get it back if it is. and i'm going to", "have to do some work again. goddam." ]

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[ "happened in january, but noteworthy,nonetheless.", "my boyfriend and i were on a business retreat,", "out of town, in a swanky golf resort hotel that", "apparently does not equip their rooms with a", "bottle opener. the last evening we were there, we", "had a few drinks. i decide to open a beer with", "the most unnecessarily sharp and huge seal team", "knife i've ever seen. i've done this about a", "thousand times before, and don't think anything", "of it. though in my slightly tipsy stupor, the", "knife was turned toward me, rather than away.", "applying some pressure toward the bottle, and", "using the end of the handle of said knife, i", "await the sweet release of the cap from bottle,", "slip, and slice the fuck out of my hand. a gnarly", "slice 12cm long and deeper than hell presents", "itself between the knuckle of my index and middle", "fingers.", "after arguing for a good twenty minutes with my", "boyfriend about going to the emergency room,", "finally i submit. flash forward two hours, after", "we've seen a man roll through the er who had", "\"been stabbed in the back,\" and welcoming a", "gentleman whose very overweight and traumatized", "girlfriend greeted the woman at reception desk by", "saying \"i accidentally shot his pinky off...\" we", "leave. went to the immediate care first thing in", "the morning after being patched up to the best of", "our ability. ended up with internal and surface", "stitches (11 total), and permanent damage to my", "hand. i'm an administrative assistant, so the", "next few weeks were challenging, and i'm still", "trying to gain full function back from the tendon", "damage." ]

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[ "this is the obligatory this didn't happen today,", "but earlier this week. i've been debating a few", "days on whether or not to even share this on here", "or if anyone would even care. anyway, a little", "background info; i live in a relatively safe but", "poor neighborhood. it is relatively close knit", "and i know all my neighbors in my direct", "vicinity. this week i was playing outside with my", "kids, 2 and 5 years old, and we all went inside", "to get a drink. we shut the front door but didn't", "lock it.", "the kids plopped on the couch near the front door", "and i went into the next room, the kitchen to get", "drinks for everyone. as i was standing in the", "kitchen our dachshund started barking and i heard", "the door open. my husband was due back and some", "friends were going to meet him to go kayaking, so", "it didn't send off any alarm bells, but i peeked", "around the kitchen wall just to check.", "i saw a tall man mid-twenties to early thirties", "standing inside my house and thought for a split", "second it was my husband's kayaking buddy because", "of his build and posture. in a moment, i realized", "it wasn't. i didn't recognize who he was at all.", "he was carrying a big blanket over his arm and", "some kind of long bolts or something sticking out", "of his pocket. i tried to stay calm and said,", "\"what are you doing inside my house?\" he said,", "\"i'm macon*, and i live down the street.\" i said,", "\"yeah, okay, but you are inside my house. why?\"", "at that point i knew any rational person would", "say they were sorry and weren't thinking and step", "out. occasionally people get confused because we", "have two front doors, and the first one opens", "into like a mud room and office, but it is still", "inside our house. instead, he said, \"well, i", "knocked three times. i'm looking for your", "husband.\"", "at that point i sort of made the connection as to", "who he might be. my husband had said that this", "thug guy who lives down the street had come by a", "couple times in the past year looking for people", "to buy a laptop or some tools, which were", "probably stolen. my husband had warned him off", "and told him if he wasn't home, there was a good", "chance his wife might shoot him because i've been", "through some trauma before.", "anyway, at that point i realized this guy was", "high as hell, up to who knows what, and i am not", "in the position to be able to protect the kids. i", "didn't even have my phone on me. i told him,", "\"hold on a sec.\" and made the split second", "decision to take my eye off the kids to go grab", "my phone and handgun. i never told him whether my", "husband was there or not, i just came back with", "my gun in right hand and phone in my left and", "told him, \"you need to leave right now or i'm", "calling the cops.\"", "thankfully, he complied and backed off. he was so", "damn high that he could barely make it down our", "small steps and he went up the street instead of", "back where his house is, so i called the cops", "anyway. but, i just feel like i was so unprepared", "that anything could ever happen, and that has me", "still shaken up. my husband is constantly", "reminding me to lock the doors when he's gone and", "i didn't. even though things didn't go horribly", "bad like they could've, i still feel like i", "totally f'ed up and i'm worried this guy with a", "history of stealing things will be pissed at me", "for calling the cops and the gun thing or maybe", "he even wants to steal the gun.", "edit: i couldn't sleep tonight thinking about", "this. i figured out a way to find out more", "information about this guy and i found out he was", "arrested the day after he came in my house on", "domestic assault charges. i know that he's still", "in jail right now so i'm going to bed and will", "sleep tonight. i'm worried about what happens if", "and when he's out.", "edit 2: i also noticed that he is on facebook and", "is friends with a few of my friends including my", "husband's cousin. i'm not sure if i should do", "anything about that, either." ]

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[ "this was about a 3 weeks ago on a thursday.", "i was walking outside to the bag drop area when a", "guy called, let's just call him john, decides to", "yell \"chowder\" at me (reference to the cartoon", "network character) a jab at my", "looks/weight/whatever.", "john sent a dick pic to a girl via snapchat and", "then she posted it on facebook, i then said after", "my friend's suggestion. \"john, get your dick", "out!\"", "he then replied \"come say it to my face\"", "so i walked up to him and repeated what i said.he", "then proceeded to grab me by the neck and lean me", "backwards over a car and punch me in the eye.", "it swole up like a balloon. i then went with my", "friends to a teacher who took me to the nurse's", "office.", "i then filed a police report for assault.", "the bruise turned every colour of the rainbow.", "**update**", "i didn't get him arrested, also, i didn't report", "him to the police, i wanted the school to deal", "with it, my mother thought otherwise." ]

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[ "about 4 years ago on the walk home from a drink", "fuelled evening with my then lady friend, i", "decided to try and show off by betting her she", "couldnt jump to touch a shop sign, and then", "demonstrating myself how it's done. why i thought", "this was particuarly impressive, i really dont", "know.", "anywho, i succesfully touched the sign with the", "spring and grace of a basketball pro. upon", "landing however, i felt my right foot give way", "and a sharp pain shoot up my leg.", "so we hobbled back to my place and decided", "tomorrow's forecast was a trip to the hospital", "for an xray.", "funnily enough, after waiting for 6 hours, the", "doctors declared they couldnt see anything wrong", "with my foot and sent me hopping away,", "crutchless.", "it wasnt untill 5 days later i got a call from a", "sheepish sounding receptionist who asked me very", "nicely to make my way back to the hospital for a", "ct scan, as the wise doctors had reviewed my xray", "and thought they had spotted a fracture.", "it transpired that i cracked my heel and was", "given a moon boot, crutches and 4 weeks off my", "feet (no bar work, hurrah!).", "lesson learnt: know when youre not michael", "jordan." ]

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[ "my parents have been on vacation this past week,", "so i have been home alone for the last 7 days. to", "celebrate my last day on my own, i went to a", "party. i got very drunk and had been out for a", "while, so when i returned home, i had to use the", "bathroom. after going to the toilet, i noticed", "the heating in the floor and thought this would", "be a good place to sleep, **spoiler alert it", "wasn't**.", "i wake up by having the bathroom door smacked", "directly in my face by my returning mom. she was", "having the runs, so she needed to hurry and just", "burst through the door and hit me right between", "the eyebrows. my mom in embarrassment of slamming", "the door in my face doesn't make it to the", "bathroom and starts shitting herself, sadly it", "wasn't just a little amount, there were loads of", "shit and the stench was horrific. the smell was", "so bad my dad, who until now had just been a", "bystander, smells the shit and he starts to vomit", "violently.", "note to self: **don't fall asleep in bathroom", "again**." ]

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[ "throwaway because im not trying to get exspelled,", "still got a month and a half to go", "so i am a senior in canada, today me and a friend", "decided to block in a \"teacher\" that parked", "ilegally at the school. nice and fun harmless", "prank right? which would only last till lunch", "(12:50) as my friend had to leave for his work.", "the word gets spread around the school, and i", "guess the teachers pick up on it. im going to", "call this teacher \"mr sandles\" for this story. mr", "sandles finally hears about the prank and goes", "outside into the parking lot during lunch. hes", "furious and brings out the principal. they try", "and enter my car ( i guess to get my insurance", "and put a name to plate?) thankfully it was", "locked. i then get called down to the office 3rd", "period.. this is where shit gets intense. my", "principal tells me \"tell me who has the plate\" in", "which im confused at what he even means. after", "about a min of confusion and mentally figuring", "shit out, i say \"you're telling me someone stole", "his plate off his trailer?\" and his lovely", "response being \"just tell me who did it, you're", "already getting suspended for the prank\". gotta", "love catholic schools right? i told him multiple", "times in which i dont know who has the plate and", "that i had nothing to do with it and that it", "wasnt even part of the prank. he told me i had", "the end of the day to find the plate or they", "would go to the next step. which was the cops,", "they could(still) charge me for \"mischief and", "theft\" even tho i didnt even take it nore did my", "friend. who wants to steal a license plate? mr", "sandles then walks into the room and starts", "talking i ask how the lisence plate was attached.", "he said briefly that he uses a coat hanger to", "secure his plate.. in which i replied \"did it", "ever occur that his plate could've fallen off", "during the drive to shcool in the morning?\" my", "principal didnt like that answer, he said \"dont", "turn this around to mr sandles, in which i said", "\"so dont turn this around on me you literally", "have no proof it was me\" so now i am home and", "still furious. i am suspended for two days and", "thats only for the prank. they are still", "\"investigating\" the cameras but they arent going", "to find much as i reviewed the evidence with the", "principal.", "edit: heres some proof www.imgur.com/a/j6ff6" ]

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[ "tifu by not looking into the company i was", "applying with. i recently quit my job of 3 years", "and decided i need a little extra cash this", "summer so i decided to hit up craigslist (bad", "idea #1) to see if i could find something that", "would work with my school schedule. i pretty", "quickly saw an add offering $100 a day + tips to", "work as a \"bartender\" on a chartered fishing", "boat. i grew up on the coast and have tons of", "experience with boats and bartending so i though", "this was the perfect fit. i was wrong.", "i applied almost immediately because i thought", "this \"dream job\" would go quickly. (bad idea #2)", "after my resume was emailed with cover letter and", "all i decided to look through some pictures they", "had listed on their craigslist post. that's when", "i realized that i fucked up in a big way. the", "page was full of their \"bartenders\" with way more", "than drinks in their hands if ya get what i'm", "saying. for those of y'all not good with clues", "they had dicks in their hands, lots and lots of", "dicks in their hands.....and mouths.", "in two hours from sending out the resume, i've", "gotten at least 10 phone calls and 5 emails", "asking me when i can start because they're low on", "people.", "edit: changed website to craigslist post.", "edit: here's a picture of the post because i'm", "not a liar, just dumb enough to apply for a job", "after only reading the first 3 sentences (i", "didn't even catch the \"submit your pictures and", "videos part until i went back for the screenshot)", "all of the scribbled out parts had things that", "stated my city/location. http://imgur.com/a/m6v6y" ]

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