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reddit_tifu_oreo

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[ "this was yesterday. my birthday. got a cool new", "book from my friend, it is a book of photos from", "a bookseller who finds odd stuff that people left", "in old books. while reading this book on stuff", "left in books, i suddenly had a flashback to last", "year this time, my uncle gave me a graphic novel", "i never got around to, but also gave me a $100", "bill in a card, which i sort of remembered", "sticking in the book when i unwrapped it. sweet!", "that $100 should still be right where i left it.", "so here's the fu - went to the living room book", "shelf, found the book, it's not in there. we", "stuff all kinds of things in books (i live with", "my gf, more on that in a moment) so i thought the", "card and money might have gotten passed around. i", "start rifling through all the books on the shelf.", "found old plane tickets, gum wrappers, coffee", "shop napkins, a little flash drive i had been", "looking for... but no card. i yell to the bedroom", "where my gf is watching tv. i ask her if she has", "come across a birthday card with $100 in it here", "on the bookcase. she says no. i briefly tell her", "the whole story, book about stuff left in books,", "uncle money bags and the graphic novel, young", "narrator in search of his $100 between the", "pages... and like a phantom she is suddenly right", "there at the door looking like", "[this.](http://i.imgur.com/7mhaio4.png).", "she blurts out that she'll look for me and that", "the tv isnt working and that i should have a look", "at it. oh no, i'm determined. gonna find that", "money. she does not appear happy with this plan", "at all. at this point, i have no idea what's", "going on.", "next book i pull off the shelf is a great big", "rand mcnally atlas. all seniors got a copy when", "they graduated from my high school. i always", "thought it was funny - hey kid, look at all the", "places you won't go because your guidance", "counselor here couldn't be bothered to show up to", "your college planning appointments and now you're", "stuck working retail until you can save up to go", "to state. go hornets!", "anyway, the atlas. i open her up, and there", "inside, right by the table of contents is a", "photograph. no ordinary photograph, mind you. an", "ultrasound image. patient name: my gf. date: 15", "days ago.", "i tried to look up but it was like my head was", "made of concrete. my stomach was through the", "floor. overwhelming mix of dread, pride, horror", "and excitement.", "i finally look up, i figure i have to be strong", "here and show her i'm here for her, i'm ready to", "talk - and just to listen, if that's what she", "needs - and that i'm not going anywhere... all", "that stuff that gilmore girls taught me. but she", "can't look at me, she is silently crying, no", "breaths, just like a stream of tears down her", "face.", "gilmore girls or no, i have no idea what to do", "here. i reach out for her, she pulls away. i ask", "if she's ok, she just runs into our bedroom. i", "sat on the couch for an hour, she finally comes", "out and tells me i should go stay with a friend", "tonight, and she will talk to me in the morning.", "i ask if that's what she really wants, she says", "yes, i grab some clothes and my phone and leave.", "got a text at 4 am. she was pregnant, got an", "abortion. it wasn't mine. today i get to move all", "my stuff out and start over." ]

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[ "so, last week my boss asks me if i can go with", "him to another city do a job for a company that", "has ties with one of our local clients. normally", "we work remotely in this situation, but this", "required a hands on visit that would couldn't", "farm out to another company.", "i check with the wife, and everything is fine", "with me going, so i think nothing of it. pack", "last night for a couple days and grab my laptop", "bag on the way out of the house, and get dropped", "off at the airport on the way to drive the kids", "to school.", "i go through security, and of course, in my", "early morning state, don't remember that my belt", "or ring are metal, so i have to go back and", "forth through the scanner a few times. then i get", "to the end and the guy is asking to open my bag,", "where he finds a multi-tool that has a small", "knife on it. i could go back through and check", "it, but it is a cheap thing that i don't think", "i have ever even used. no big deal, i think, and", "carry on to the departure gate where i chat with", "my boss for a while, and then they start calling", "people up to board.", "'everyone, make sure you line up and have your", "photo id out and ready. '", "photo id? of course photo id.", "this might be a problem. a couple days before my", "birthday, i got my license renewed. we have", "security features built into our licenses that", "require them to issue a temporary paper (and not", "photo) license and then they mail the real one", "in 2-3 weeks.", "i don't have any photo id on me. i go to the", "gate, and she confirms, no photo id, no", "boarding the plane.", "i arrange for my passport to be brought to the", "airport, so i can still make the next fight, and", "am sitting here waiting for it to arrive.", "on the plus side, the second multi-tool that i", "have in my bag that security somehow totally", "missed can be sent back with my wife, and i", "won't risk losing it on the flight back home." ]

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[ "so this actually happened today. so i'm in work", "and it hits lunch time. made a big pot of chilli", "last night, so brought in remainder of said", "chilli and some pitta breads for lunch today and", "left it in the car. i normally have lunch in work", "but had to make a few calls at lunch, so write", "down the numbers of the people i have to call and", "headed out to my car to have lunch.", "i get into the car, open my lunch and realise", "i've left the paper with the numbers i've to call", "at my desk. i put the chilli to one side, quickly", "go into the office, grab the paper and back", "outside to get lunch. the car is locked....", "my car automatically locks when you exit, through", "the window i see my lunch, my car keys, and my", "house keys. fuck. i decide i'll make the calls i", "need to make and deal with this later.", "one of the calls i had to make was to my", "insurance to pay an outstanding insurance", "payment. where's my bank card? in the car.", "insurance company explain that it's a £50 fee for", "late payment if i can't pay today (that'll take", "it to more than i have left in the bank) and if", "it's not paid today i have 14days before they'll", "cancel (don't get paid again until end of feb).", "go back into work and my boss offers to pay for", "me to get a taxi home and pick up my spare key", "(pretty cool). by this point i realise my house", "keys are in the car but have no choice but to try", "and enter my house as my so is at work.", "taxi comes and it's about 20-25mins to arrive", "home, get to my house and proceed to kick one of", "the pvc panels through on my front door while the", "taxi waits for the return journey. grab my spare", "key, exit the burglar hole and fuck. the panel", "doesn't go back in from the outside, due to the", "seal and frame being on the outside. try for a", "good 15 mins and no joy. i live on a pretty busy", "road, so no way i could leave it like that and go", "back to work.", "had to send the taxi on his way. can't even go", "back to work today and have now skipped the whole", "afternoon. fuck mondays." ]

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[ "here we go. the most embarrassing moment of my", "life. it was thirteen or so years ago, but", "someone from another thread said i should post it", "here after i posted it in an askreddit about", "noise disturbance police calls.", "not a cop, but a caller. a snitch. a dirty rat,", "or what have you. about thirteen years ago i was", "living in a college neighborhood in a little", "townhouse in a large open alley/tiny street.", "i worked a late second shift that balmy late", "spring night. the windows were open to let the", "breeze in. my wife and young baby were asleep", "upstairs. after checking on them and giving cheek", "kisses i went downstairs to unwind. at about one", "a.m. i was drifting off on the couch when i heard", "shouting coming from across the street. it's a", "noisy area, no biggie. then, pop pop! i leapt off", "the couch at the obvious sound of small arms", "fire. a small caliber pistol, by the pop. i", "looked out the window and across the alley from", "me the small house door was open and the guy that", "lived there was walking back and forth yelling to", "himself \"you done fucked up! you . done. fucked.", "up.\"", "a quick aside. i was in the army only a couple of", "years prior to this. i fucking know the sound of", "gunshots.", "this was bad. i called 911 and tell them shots", "fired, screaming, etc. a...fucking...million cops", "showed up. a bullhorn. battering ram. a sniper", "crawling under my car!", "i'll make this quick. after an hour they got dude", "(the only brother on the block, btw, making this", "ten times more embarrassing) out. a cop came and", "knocked on my door and in front of fifty laughing", "or concerned neighbors says, \"yeah, he had a", "fight with his girlfriend and she slammed the", "wooden screen door. it doesn't have springs and", "makes a loud noise.\" then, he turns around and", "walks away.", "the next day i came over with a twenty-four pack", "of the beer i always saw him drinking. his", "mother, who had come to visit (timing!), answered", "the door after i tentatively knocked and was", "taping a note to the beer. she. was. furious.", "\"they took him to jail! my son never did anything", "wrong. he went to the army and now he's in", "college. and now he's in jail!.\" i apologized", "profusely and left.", "later that day he came over. he had been", "arrested. his brother was wanted, or something. i", "don't recall the details, but i know he was taken", "on mistaken identity. he himself was a really", "clean cut, good guy. i apologized and explained.", "he was cool about it and gave me a folder of", "burnt pirated pc games. for years after i'd see", "him out downtown and he had an uncomfortable joke", "and a laughing hug for me." ]

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[ "it actually happened a week ago. i live in france", "and i'd like to go abroad ( university of", "montreal ( the french one ) next year to study", "economics. at my university we had meetings with", "professionnals who told us what to do ( the", "paperwork, the requirements etc.. ) 2 months ago.", "they told those who want to go to canada (", "including quebec, or so i thought ) and the us to", "register for the ielts, an international english", "exam, which costs 175€ at my university", "anyway the test at my university was planned for", "late-january ( the oral test on the 16th january,", "the writing test on the 28th.. or so i thought..", "), and we received a mail 1 week before the test,", "reminding us of the dates, i read it, prepared", "myself for the oral test on the 16th, attended", "it, nailed it, great start ! i was 100% sure that", "the writing part was on the 28th in the morning (", "at 9am exactly ), so when my mom asked me to read", "the mail again to be absolutely sure that this", "part take place 2 weeks later, i told her that i", "was already certain of that, so i didn't re-read", "it.", "fast forward to the 21st january. i wake up at", "9:06am, check my phone, see that i have 3", "messages from a friend who had to pass the ielts", "too, saying ( \" where are you ? \" ; \" where are", "you ??? \" ; \" are you at the uni ? \" ), and a", "missed call of her. i begin to think \" wait.. is", "it possible that i misread the mail ? \", i check", "my inbox, check the date.. and yep, i misread it,", "the test began 6 minutes before i woke up..", "i begin to freak out, i get up, put on my clothes", "( got in the car with only a shirt, it was -1°c", "out there.. ) ask my mom to drive me there as she", "can drive faster, i get there 30 minutes late,", "and after a quick talk with the supervisor of the", "test, i go back home, unable to attend the test..", "that was the 1st fuck up.", "fast forward again to a week ago, i need that", "ielts to go to montreal ( or so i thought.. again", "), so i had to ask my teacher if i could register", "for another session of the ielts, and if i would", "get the results in time for the investigation of", "my case. she asks me", "\" wait, where do you want to go ?", "- montreal, qc", "- the french university or the english one ?", "- the french one", "- but you don't need the ielts to go there", "- really ? are you sure", "- yeah i'm pretty sure, you should ask the", "international relations service ( the group of", "people who deal with erasmus, bci, bilateral", "problems ) \"", "so i go there, and they confirm that i did not", "need the ielts to go to montreal next year it is", "a french university.", "that was the 2nd fuckup", "in conclusion, i spent 175€ for a test that i", "missed, and that i didn't need." ]

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[ "earlier today, mothers birthday was going on. as", "we're all sitting around (roughly 15 people) my", "mom starts telling a story about me and sibling", "when we were younger.", "as the stories go on, she gets to one of me as a", "baby;", "\"he hated wear clothes, i couldn't ever get him", "to keep anything on\" (etc)", "so, being the joker i am, i jump out of my chair,", "start to take my shirt off and run across the", "room, all while shouting, \" still can't!\"", "about halfway across the room, with my shirt half", "over my head, i trip blindly onto the staircase", "leading up, blacking out for a good 30 seconds,", "laying there with my shirt half off and in pain.", " ", "edit: oh hi front page (insert joke here), rip", "inbox.", "edit2: i'm 23, fire away", "edit3: head is fine, guess i can take a beating,", "prescribed some acetaminophen." ]

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[ "so for the last few days there has been a huge", "stream of ants that have crawled out from a hole", "in front of my brother's room, which is in front", "of my room. we managed to locate the source of", "where the ants were coming from and we plugged", "the hole up, but the damn ants still kept pouring", "in. i was about fed up having to sweep them up", "and dumping hundreds of them every couple of", "hours.", "so my brother and i, being the foolish teenagers", "we are, decided to have some fun with them. well,", "we grabbed a lighter and lysol spray and giggled", "at the thought of torching these ants to kingdom", "come. we started off in little spurts, and it was", "great watching them scramble for cover. as we", "were just about to stop, the smoke detectors went", "off, and my brother and i stared at each other in", "horror behind us; we totally forgot that the", "floor we stood on was wood, and it apparently had", "oil residue of some kind that burned like paper.", "now we were the ants, and we scrambled to put out", "the fire. thank god we put it out quickly, and", "that our parents weren't home." ]

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[ "so me, my granny and aunt were going to the mall.", "i took a nice cold shower before going. i always", "had problems picking up shampoo specifically and", "i always throw my shit up and down to play with", "it. so when we got to the health store i picked", "up shampoo, so my dumb ass thought it was a smart", "idea to throw my stuff up and play with it, i", "kept on playing with it but then my butterfingers", "slipped the catch and it dropped on the floor.", "the person was watching me and thought \"damn that", "dumbass is stupid\". shampoo everywhere, i asked", "my grandma for tissues to clean my hand, floor", "and bottle. they said i had to buy that broken", "bottle but typical chore me switched it and", "didn't have to pay for the broken one. there were", "tissues in the cart, some looked at me looking", "like i \"did\" it in the tissue." ]

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[ "first of all i’m not a native speaker so please", "excuse any mistakes i make.", "i live in germany and met my girlfriend at", "university, we were not long together (like 2", "months) and our relationship went a little bit", "downhill but i really liked this girl and wanted", "to make up for some shit i’ve done. it was at the", "beginning of summer after all the exams where she", "wanted to go back to her hometown to work for a", "month there and make some money. i thought to", "myself that, being separated now wasn't good for", "our relationship, so i wanted to visit her as", "often i could. her hometown being one hour away", "from my town. as she was away i asked her if i", "could visit her but she refused. \"not even in", "like a week ?\" i asked but she insisted me not to", "come and we started arguing again. after a few", "days she texted me that we could meet thursday in", "strasbourg, the 23 of june i remember that date", "exactly. i think i should clarify that her home", "town was really near the borders of france and", "her mom works in strasbourg she also could speak", "the language fluently. strasbourg being two hour", "away from my hometown i thought to myself \"why", "not\". i could see her, she could give me a tour", "around strasbourg and we would have a nice time", "together. being a student and not having my own", "car i had to relie on public transportation. i", "checked up on train tickets...60euros one way.", "than i looked up if any buses went from my", "hometown to strasbourg and indeed there was and", "only 20euros round trip. bus it is then. i called", "my girlfriend and asked her for what time i", "should book the bus. she said that she only has", "time in the morning and had to leave 4 o'clock pm", ". at first it bothered me a little bit that she", "couldn't take more time for me, her boyfriend", "that she didn't see for some time. also the first", "bus that returns from strasbourg to my hometown", "was around 7 pm. but after some thinking i booked", "it because i really missed her and wanted to see", "her again. i could spent 3 hours alone in", "strasbourg no big deal.", "so the tickets.", "7:40 am hometown ---> 9:30 am strasbourg", "7:00 pm strasbourg ---> 9:00 pm hometown.", "we clarified that she has to come to the bus", "station to pick me up because i had no idea of", "strasbourg and to be honest i didn't pay any", "attention in my french classes in high school.", "first fuckup.", "i was ready, i packed my stuff, stood up early", "just before leaving for the bus station i’m", "checking one last time the ticket. and what i saw", "burned into my brain. i remember that exact", "moment i knew i fucked up. the ticket said", "“departure 7:20 am”. i could swear to god that", "the other days i looked at this goddamn ticket it", "said 7:40... this was the beginning.", "i missed my bus, i panicked. the first thing i", "did is to texted my girlfriend and apologizing,", "trying to explain that the ticked tricked me. but", "she should not worry i still would come with the", "next bus leaving at 9:20 this time for sure. i", "booked the ticket and waited for a response. it", "was early in the morning i thought to myself she", "could still be sleeping i'll wait a bit. after 1", "hour of no response i called her. she picks up", "the phone and asked what happened. “i...ehh...", "didn't you get the message i sent to you ?” “no,", "i don’t have internet on my phone in a foreign", "country”. i explained to her what happened and", "that i booked a ticket for the next bus. she was", "outraged at this point because she was already on", "the train on the way to strasbourg to pick me up,", "shouting at me while i apologize like 1 million", "times. “fine i'll wait” and hangs up. at this", "point i feel really bad fucking this up.", "i go to the bus station waiting for the bus when", "i receive a sms from the bus-company telling me", "that the bus is running half an hour late. i had", "no money on my phone and her having no internet", "meant i couldn’t reach her to tell her that the", "bus was running late. things just went downhill.", "after the bus arrives i go up to the door show my", "ticket and the driver said to me with a dead look", "in his face “this ticket is for tomorrow 9:20,", "friday the 24 of june”. because i was in panick", "mode before, i mussed have booked for the wrong", "date, to be fair the layout of the webpage of the", "company is fucking awful. i panicked again. “look", "man i really need to get to strasbourg my", "girlfriend is waiting is there anything i can do", "?” “you could by a ticket here in the bus”. he", "printed a new ticked for me and sold it for 30", "euro. 30 fucking euro. i only had 40 on me but i", "thought to myself that once i’m there everything", "will be fine. i buy the ticket, take my seat and", "the bus begins its journey.", "i forgot to mention that at that time was the", "uefa european football championleague in france.", "so of course there was a lot of traffic delaying", "the bus more and more. after 12 o'clock i start", "getting smss from my girlfriend asking where i", "am. like i said i could not write her back. each", "10 minutes i would get a new sms where she got", "more and more furious. there was some shit going", "down as we crossed the boarders that caused an", "even bigger delay (if requested i will tell you", "what happened but i don't want this to be to", "long).", "i arrived at 1 o'clock pm. i storm out of the bus", "to find my girlfriend but no sign... in the last", "sms she wrote that she would leave if she didn't", "get an answer now.", "i actually asked random people in the bus to", "borrow there cellphone so i could write one sms", "but they all refused to trust me.", "i didn't thought that she would really leave but", "yeah... she must have left 10 minutes before i", "arrived. at this point i start crying. i felt so", "helpless in the bus i couldn’t do anything but", "watch my girlfriend getting madder and madder at", "me. and now i’m here in strasbourg... alone...", "not knowing the language. i walked around trying", "to find a kiosk to buy a card for my cellphone", "but the women there didn't even know a single", "word in english. i pointed at my phone and said", "“money?” but she just gave me this look", "¯\\\\_(ツ)_/¯ . i walked out at start crying again.", "feeling like i never felt before helpless,", "alone.... i went back the the bus station and", "spotted two police officers i run at them as they", "where my parents. they even did understand a bit", "of german so i explained what happened and the", "police man offered me his cellphone to write my", "girlfriend a sms.", "waiting at the station my girlfriend arrives at 2", "pm. we meet and she starts immediately to", "argue... that i should have called sooner so she", "could wait at home at not at this place and so", "on. at this point i'm crying again. now... i", "don’t know why i cried at this moment. maybe it", "was pitting myself because of all the shit i’ve", "gone through. maybe it was still the feeling of", "being so alone, i don't know. but my girlfriend", "didn’t like it at all. after i calmed down i", "explained to her what happened and what i've done", "to came to her. but she wasn't impressed. “you", "could have avoided all this trouble if you just", "could look right at your ticket and the time” she", "said. she left at 3 o'clock totally mad. i didn't", "even touch her once... all this trouble...not a", "single hug or touch.", "fuck it i just wanted this nightmare to be over", "to get home and sleep in my bed. i became hungry", "so i bought myself something to eat for 5 euros", "and waited at the bus station again. “this time i", "will check twice for the time on the ticket” i", "thought to myself pulling out my ticket and", "checking, “7 pm from strasbourg”, that’s right,", "“23 of ju......ly”. i shit you not i booked the", "returning ticket for 1 month later. i curl myself", "up on the bench in the fetus-position not caring", "anymore what other people might think of me and", "start crying out loud. i had the same feeling", "again being alone in a foreign country. only now", "i had no means to get back to germany. i had no", "money left, i had no internet, i had no ticket.", "i thought i have to live life on the streets of", "strasbourg for one month till my bus comes. after", "a while i get my shit together and start walking", "around to find help. i find a mall with a sign", "that said “free-wifi”. “bingo” i thought, i could", "get online and book another ticket for the right", "bus this time and pay with paypal. the thing is", "you can't pay with paypal over your phone, this i", "learned this day. but at least i had internet", "now, i contacted a friend of mine asking him to", "call me. i explained him everything and ask him", "please to buy a ticket for me, i will give him", "the money back. like a true friend he is he", "instead did come and pick me up personally with", "his car from strasbourg and drove me home. i", "never was more happy to get home. this was the", "worst day in my entire life.", "two day later my girlfriend calls me up and", "breaks up. not because of what happened in", "strasbourg but it wasn't working out in general", "like i mentioned at the beginning. at least she", "says so.", "edit: a lot of people seem to say that i dodge a", "bullet or that she was a bitch. i wrote this", "story not to get some pitty or to provote hate", "speech agaisnt my now ex-girlfriend but to", "entertain you and get it out of my chest and", "maybe think about me if you have a not so good", "day, \"at least it wasn't as bad as his\"." ]

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[ "today at work was a incredibly slow day and i was", "walking around the store and found a dollar, so i", "looked around and didn't see anybody so i pick up", "the dollar and put it in my pocket. if anybody", "comes to guest services i'll give it back.", "well 15 minutes later i go on lunch and during", "my lunch i remembered i had the dollar in my", "pocket and i had the best idea at the time ,", "(me talking to myself)", "hey bud you know what would be smart!\nwhat?", "putting tape on the dollar and try getting", "unlimited uses on the vending machine!", "wow you're right brain that's a great idea.", "so i get tape and put it on the dollar and try", "and put it in.", "it goes in perfectly fine and when i try to pull", "back on the tape it slips out of my grip and goes", "in the machine and the machine is making a god", "awful \"ehhhhhhh\" noise so i'm over here smacking", "the machine to get it to shut up and it finally", "does. the machine now won't take any change and", "i lost a dollar and probably my job if they find", "out." ]

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[ "against tifu tradition, this actually did happen", "today. for background, i'm 18 and am staying with", "my grandmother for personal reasons, and today my", "mother decided to take me and my three siblings", "out to a family dinner. i, being the massive", "dweeb that i am, had been playing with my", "throwing knives (yes, i own[ed] throwing knives.", "and yes, they are rainbow colored just like the", "matching sword) while waiting for my mother to", "come and pick me up for the meal. when she", "arrived, i decided to slip them into my pocket", "rather than go and put them away because they are", "small and easily fit there, so whatever, it's", "always nice to have a knife on your person,", "right? note that i am somewhat attached to these", "knives, as i payed for them and enjoy practising", "with them. well after the dinner we stopped at", "mother's house for a while, and a good family", "friend was there as well, because she might as", "well live there to be honest. she is as much a", "dweeb as i am, and i figured she would think they", "were neat. here is where the fuck up comes in.", "unbeknownst to me it just happens to be this", "friends birthday, which i conveniently forgot. so", "i say to her", "\"hey [name], i brought these because i figured", "you would like them\"", "she looks at them for a second and suddenly i'm", "being hugged and thanked and being told how cool", "they are and how nice i am. and me being a", "nervous bean was too nice to correct her, so she", "is now the proud owner of two rainbow colored", "throwing knives." ]

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[ "so this happened about a week ago and i usually", "don't share or post stuff like this, but i'm over", "it now and figured if i got a laugh out of it", "it's worth a shot. anyway, let me just start by", "saying i am definitely not a morning person, but", "i somehow managed to get morning classes at uni.", "i somehow awoke before my alarm on this day, but", "i was groggy nonetheless, and stumbled in the", "bathroom to wash my face to get the day going. as", "i glance up in the mirror to admire my beautiful", "morning face, my attention is immediately", "directed towards the top corner of the bathroom", "where i swear i saw a twitch of something.", "luckily i turned on the lights this time, so i", "turn slowly just to check. clenching my cheeks", "tightly, i look up and to my horror, it was", "exactly as i feared, a beast of a roach. this", "thing was straight nasty, big bulging legs and", "long flickering antennas that make me shutter", "just thinking about.", "well anyway, this beast has me frozen in place as", "my mind is still beginning to wake up and process", "this; i'm still trying to figure out what to do.", "i look for a spray or something but there's", "nothing in the bathroom so i dart out to the", "living room area to grab a shoe. i stumble over", "my long pajama pants, but i make it back to the", "bathroom to see my ugly beast exactly where i", "left him (thank god).", "this is where the fuck up happens...", "i raise my arm with the shoe and realize i'm not", "quite tall enough to get it without jumping but", "my scale and trashcan are blocking the corner", "underneath the beast so i would have to jump", "diagonally almost. well brilliant me decided my", "hops were pretty good so i wouldn't have to move", "these obstacles.", "i jump like a mighty lion and i whack the shoe", "with the strength 100 men. unfortunately for me i", "didn't quite calculate how i would land this", "maneuver and i hit the edge of the scale on the", "way down and proceeded to fall backwards.", "i fell back while flailing my arms desperately", "trying to grasp hold of something only to fall", "and bounce off the toilet and into the tub while", "taking the whole shower curtain and rack with me.", "at first i chuckled but then the pain set in and", "boy did that hurt.", "i broke the shower rack and as i looked over", "realized the toilet seat had snapped off as well", "but that didn't really matter, i had to see the", "dead carcass. i searched everywhere and couldn't", "find it; there is a huge dirt print on the wall", "but i somehow missed the mark...i've never been", "so scared of revenge in my life." ]

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[ "so, this fuck up happened about 2 years ago, and", "i'm sorry if my grammer is retarded haha.", "anyway, when i was 14 years old, i was going to a", "family wedding.", "we arrived, and after all the ceremonies of the", "couple getting married, we sat down for the", "wedding dinner.", "i ate some steak, and some mashed potatoes, but", "me being me, i eat a lot, and it takes a lot of", "food for me to finally be full.", "so me being 14 years old and my cousin, also 14,", "we were two, very, very stupid kids, with just a", "bit of love for gags and challenges.", "while i'm sitting on the table, catches my eye a", "very, odd, looking, pepper.", "i glanced at it, then talked to my cousin (let's", "call him ben) that maybe we can eat it, as sort", "of a challenge.", "now, me and ben didn't think too much about the", "pepper, didn't ask anyone about why it looks so", "weird and not having milk at all in case of", "emergency (the wedding was jewish, so eating meat", "before milk is forbidden, at least whoever", "believes in it).", "so we put it on our plates.", "i was myself a very stupid kid, wanting to show", "my \"bravery\"... oh well.", "we started counting down from 3...\n\n3...\n\n2...", "1...", "i chugged the whole fucking thing into my mouth.", "what did ben do? didn't eat it at all, too", "scared.", "after 10 seconds, i've felt the most intense pain", "i've ever felt.", "i knew something was wrong, i started screaming", "at my dad to come with me out side, we rushed, he", "stole yogurt that was in one of the reserves, and", "i just laid down on the grass outside, drinking", "all the yogurt i could.", "i saw people rushing down, wondering what's", "happening.", "anyway, other than me screaming my ass off in", "pain, while at the same time spitting stuff out", "of my mouth and crying, we got home and i", "basically did nothing but drink milk in my", "computer chair for 4 days, with max ac on,", "because i started sweating and shaking.", "later we found out what i ate was the fucking", "carolina reaper, and we were wondering why that", "thing was in a wedding dinner table.", "my dad couldn't stop laughing at me so as a", "reward he later bought me a few games because of", "the completed \"challenge\" (one of those games", "ended up to be my favorite of all time lol). and,", "even today i laugh at ben for not experiencing it", "with me, haha.", "info about the carolina reaper ->", "https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/carolina_reaper" ]

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[ "so, this happened a few years ago at my parent's", "house. i was crashing there, taking a shower,", "nobody home; nice uneventful evening really, was", "getting rdy to get out, friday night etc...", "the thing is, the bathtub were i was showering", "was clogged (damn long hair...) and water would", "flush down the drain really slowly. so by the", "time i finished showering the tub was like 2/3", "full of water.", "dunno why i thought it was a good idea but", "decided to try and fix it then and there... since", "i was wet already and all... i proceed to try to", "unclog it... and after around 3 minutes i managed", "to untangle the mess there and the whole bathtub", "drained in a sec. so far so good right??", "thought to myself \"phew that wasnt so hard!\"", "...then i proceed to exit the shower and when i", "open the curtains i realize there's like 3cms of", "water on the bathroom floor, covering all of it.", "i was \"...wth? did i close the curtains wrong?", "something broke?\" i get my flip flops and when i", "exit my bathroom i was horrified when i realized", "somehow the clogging from my bathroom re-clogged", "deeper into the pipes of the house and all the", "damn water from the tub got back from the guest", "bathroom's drain.", "at this point i was already panicking since i was", "probably getting screwed when my parents get back", "home.", "the frkn water got into the whole entrance,", "living room, dining room, 2 bathrooms and made a", "nice waterfall looking stream into the porch.", "im rushing helplessly trying to clean this up", "with a mop, and then my mom gets home from", "shopping. \"what in the-\" \"uh.. i. bathroom.", "clog. aaa...\"*stuthering* ...then she proceeded", "to join me with panicking and cleaning this", "shiet. \"we better get this cleaned up before your", "father gets home!!\" (my dad has kind of a bad", "temper, especially when returning from work, and", "getting his friday ruined would... welp)", "then my sister gets home with a bunch of", "people... because apparently she was making a", "party tonight, and this was made worse by the", "fact that i know all these people because we all", "go to the same school. (i want you to imagine me", "with a towel on my wrist, flip flops, tshirt,", "hair is a mess since i didnt even brush it, and a", "mop; with a look of terror on my face)", "...everybody was speechless though; then after a", "few moments of awkward silence my sis goes with:", "\" is.... is father home yet...?\" \"...no\" \"", "...we better fix this then...!\" but it was", "too late anyways, there was never enough time.", "half an hour passes, we hear a car parking on the", "driveway, and my dad proceeds to enter what it", "was now a weird smelling, flooded,1st floor, full", "with newspaper pages and towels, and a bunch of", "high schoolers and his two daughters with mops on", "their hands apparently trying to clean this mess.", "at this point i was expecting yelling and drama", "to ensue... we are all standing still looking at", "him in silence, frozen at the entrance; and then", "he does the most unexpected thing: he puts a", "\"nope... nope\" face and slowly walks tru", "everything in silence, calmly going up the", "stairs, as we hear the door of his room closing", "on the 2nd floor.", "...he didnt show up until a few hours had passed", "after we kinda cleaned everything up. not wanting", "to talk about it at all. house was still wet and", "smelled weird for a couple of days.", "im guessing my dad decided to completely ignore", "it to avoid having a nervous breakdown... so,", "uh... lucky me?" ]

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[ "so this actually happened 2 years go, summer in", "2015. i was a international student doing a 6", "week \"pre-college\" program (basically a summer", "program) at the rhode island school of design in", "providence, rhode island.", "anyways, so i arrive in boston where my uncle", "lives, collected some basic things i needed to", "survive those 6 weeks, and then my uncle drove me", "to the school and made sure i settled in. the", "screw up here, however, was that my uncle", "misjudged my arrival and wasn't able to get", "credit card in my name that i could use to spend", "some $$$ during my stay. so, as a last resort, he", "gave me a extra credit card he had, that had my", "aunt's name on it, and said that i could use it.", "i also had a traveller's debit card that my dad", "got for me from back home, but the catch with", "that was there was a \"convenience\" fee every time", "i used it. since paying in usd was already so", "much money, my dad asked me to use the credit", "card that my uncle gave as a my primary card and", "only to use the traveller's debit card when i", "absolutely had to.", "so 5 weeks down, i'm in the last week of the", "program and had to print up some big posters for", "my graphic design class. i had emailed staples", "with the files and printing instruction in", "advance. so when the day came to collect the", "printouts, a friend asked if she could tag along", "and we shared an uber ride to the store. i let", "her pick her stuff up first like any gentlemen", "would and when my turn came, i gave her my name", "and collected the printouts. checked to make sure", "that they were the way i wanted them and then", "gave the lady at the counter the credit card that", "my uncle gave me to use. she was just about to", "swipe it when she decides to glance at the name,", "think for about 30 seconds and then asks for my", "id. i let her know that i am a international", "student and i don't have an america id with me", "other than the id card that the school gave me. i", "also didn't have my passport with me at the", "store. so she calls over a couple of her", "colleagues over, and they have a conversation", "about me. so now i have three hawk eyed ladies", "staring me down and tell me that they will keep", "the card with them and have to call the", "authorities. i freak the fk out because i'm", "literally in a foreign country, alone, and was", "about to be arrested. to make matters worse, my", "friend i shared the ride with was just standing", "by, wondering if i was some kind of thief.", "thankfully she didn't snapchat the whole", "scenario. so i somehow manage to prevent my", "meltdown and tried to explain to the lady that", "i'm no thief. i call up my uncle and explain to", "him what's going on. i ask the lady that my uncle", "is on the phone, he owns the account the credit", "card is linked to but the lady doesn't want to", "talk to him. at that moment, i remember that i", "still have the traveller's debit card and can use", "that to pay and get the fk out of there. the fu", "with that was that card was chip enabled, pin", "protected and i couldn't, for the life of my", "remember the pin code because i basically hadn't", "used that card for the 5 weeks i was there. i", "start to panic even more. then somehow, manage to", "calm myself down again and make an international", "phone call to my dad, who's sleeping peacefully", "because it was 3am on a weekday back home. i", "explain to him what was going on and asked if", "he'd saved the pin code of the card. he looks for", "a while and thankfully found it, told me the pin", "code was 1234 and asked me to call back once i", "was back in the dorm. so by this time, i'm a 19", "y/o guy, standing in the middle of staples, on", "the verge of crying. i approach the lady at the", "counter, who's colleagues had left by now, i tell", "her that i have another card i can use, so if she", "can just give me back my other card, i can use", "the other one to pay and leave. i guess she kind", "of pitied me at this point and said she'll use my", "uncle's card because she knew \"how expensive", "those traveller's card were\" and as long as \"it", "didn't come back to her\". she swiped the card,", "the payment went through, i grabbed my stuff and", "the card and gtfo'ed of there. save to say i", "never again visited that staples again, was super", "thankful that my friend didn't tell every living", "soul about happened, and never ever used any", "piece of plastic that didn't have my name on it", "ever again." ]

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[ "tifu when my boyfriend was sitting in his computer", "chair, we were goofing around a bit and i ended", "up sliding onto the ground. both of us are fully", "clothes, i thought it'd be sexy to nibble on his", "thighs while making my way to his crotch. he was", "sitting with his legs apart so his jeans were", "stretched across his crotch, i bit down on his", "pants, he didn't seem to notice it. i wanted to", "scare him so i chomped down on the same part. he", "slowly turns away from me in his chair laughing", "and holding his crotch. i'm laughing at this", "point too not realizing what i did. he tells me i", "just chomped down on his foreskin, it hurts", "really bad, but he can't stop laughing because he", "can't believe i just did that." ]

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[ "my girlfriend and i decided to go out on a date", "before school started and she chose to go roller", "skating at some roller rink. good choice, i was", "ready.", "we both arrived at around 11:50 (the place opened", "at 12:00) and talked for a few minutes before", "they let us in. i rented both of us skates and", "then we started to get our skates on.", "once we got our skates on we got into the rink", "and started to skate around as more people poured", "in. there were a couple camps full of 8 year olds", "that started to get the place packed but it", "didn't bother us.", "we were having a great time, listening to good", "music and talking. we stopped to eat lunch and", "then she told me about trying to do something she", "used to do when she was little.", "we got onto the rink again after eating lunch and", "she raced ahead of me and flew straight into the", "wall. she was fine because the state's breaks on", "them made contact with the wall and she stopped", "herself.", "we kept slamming into the wall and having people", "around us freak out but we were fine and laughing", "a ton.", "this is when the dj started to get a little more", "lively. he started hosting games and we played", "them until the last one called 'wipeout'.", "the rules of the game were simple, similar to", "musical chairs, music would play and everyone", "would skate around in a big circle. when the", "music stopped and the dj said 'wipeout' everyone", "sat down and started skating. last one to sit", "down gained a point for the team, first to three", "loses. girls vs boys a simple game.", "it started out a great game where everyone was", "having a good time. then, i yawned and couldn't", "hear anything for a few seconds. the dj said", "wipeout while i was yawning, and i had to figure", "out how to stop after going at such a high speed", "(you have to remember that i hadn't skated in at", "least 4 years and forgot how to use the stoppers", "on the skates).", "i smashed straight into my girlfriend's leg", "because she was sitting down. she let out a huge", "scream and i face planted on the other side of", "her. long story short an ambulance was called and", "now i'm sitting with her in her hospital.(this", "happened yesterday)" ]

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[ "so i had job interview lined up for an entry level", "tech position (not my background but want to get", "into the industry; i have a background in", "writing) and got a gmail invite for the in-person", "interview. at this point i've already done a", "phone interview and a little test assignment", "which i feel i've knocked out of the park. gmail", "interview invitation says the interview is", "scheduled from 3-4 pm. awesome. great. sounds", "perfect. shine my shoes, get my jacket", "de-cat-haired, watch youtube video on how to tie", "a tie. ready to fucking rock. anyways, just after", "i get back from my psych-up jog i get a call from", "the interviewer at 11:10 saying, \"hey, yeah, we", "had an interview set up for 11?\" i'm totally", "confused. \"hmm my email here says 3-4pm?\" it's", "then i notice it 3-4 pm utc. my stomach is in ice", "water. \"uhhh, i'll be in touch, let me call you", "back.\" look up utc. coordinated universal time.", "about 4 hours ahead of eastern standard time.", "fuck. yeah it was 11 then. call the guy back up,", "(who is the coo of the company i might add) and", "explain what happened. he's extremely", "understanding, says it's cool, email mark (who i", "did my phone interview with and who assigned me", "the in-person interview) and explain what", "happened. i did. it's 38 hours later and haven't", "heard anything. i'm in a new city. would really", "like this job in a new industry that isn't my", "background. i'm contemplating emailing him back", "tonight if i haven't heard anything and sending", "him the screenshot of the invite with the little", "gray utc behind the appointment time. i know this", "is totally my fault for not investigating what", "utc is, i accept that. but the invite is", "genuinely misleading. am i fucked? is utc fairly", "standardized in the business/tech world? am i", "just an idiot? thanks, strangers." ]

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[ "tifu my birthday. this happened yesterday but i am", "still recovering from the stress that plagued me", "on my \"special\" day. so to start it off i have", "been sick for the last week and a half with", "nausea and vomiting. i have been to the doctor", "like 4 times and each time they have not had", "conclusive results. so waking up on my birthday", "i already was not feeling well, and to top that", "off i woke up late for work. on my drive to work", "i reached over to find my puke bag and within a", "split second i rammed the car in front of me that", "i had not noticed was stopped at a green light.", "later on in the day i had an appointment with a", "gi tract specialist who recommended i get a", "colonoscopy. i am only 23 :( so between al of the", "doctor visits, a very expensive upcoming", "procedure that i should not need until i am in my", "forties, and an upcoming trip to germany later", "this month, i am broke and i had a shitty", "birthday. although on the bright side my", "girlfriend made me a nice dinner and got me some", "gummy bears so i cannot complain all that much." ]

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[ "i'm currently writing this before going into work", "so sorry for any typos or whatever.", "today for lunch i had some homemade spicy shrimp", "before i went into work. immediately after i had", "to pop a squat on the good old porcelain throne.", "while sitting and observing my kingdom, and", "browsing reddit i neglected to thoroughly wash my", "hands. while \"finishing\" i get up and go to wash", "my hands like i should have in the first place,", "and that's when it hits. i can feel the fires of", "a thousand suns emanating from my goodyhole with", "a searing white hot pain.", "out of instinct i strip down and jump into the", "shower and begin to scrub my self vigorously as", "if i was about to be quarantined after being", "exposed to a radioactive toxic butt hole mace.", "while in the shower i keep getting waves of fiery", "jalapeno like pain. my life began to flash before", "my eyes and i immediately began to regret every", "decision i made leading up to that point.", "after about 20 or so minutes of scrubbing my self", "raw and realizing that ether the pain was", "dwindling or i was just numb to it by now. i", "hopped out and began to get my self ready for", "work for the second time today when i looked into", "the mirror and realized my face was flush red and", "my eyes blood shot. not only did i manage to nuke", "my dark nether region into a ring of volcanic", "fire, but the pain was so bad at first you could", "clearly see it in my face.", "i splashed water on my face and put eye drops in", "and i looked a thousand times better. i finished", "getting ready for work and left the house. now", "i'm sitting in my car before work, butt hole", "tingling still and afraid to poop for fear i", "might have another episode of searing radioactive", "pain at the last place i want, work.", "here goes an interesting 8 hour shift trying to", "ignore the fact i seared my ass like a 12oz flank", "steak on a wood fire grill.", "update: pooped later on that day, every thing was", "fine until the tail end of it... literally. felt", "like i was pinching a jalapeno with my bare butt", "cheeks. walked around the rest of the day feeling", "like i was doing some sick frat initiation where", "you have to pinch a grape in your taint and walk", "across the room. except for me it felt like a", "ghost pepper hanging out there. it was like", "wiping a marker, i wipe and wipe, and wipe, and", "wipe... still poop, still tingling pain. by the", "time i got home it was gone, so that's a plus." ]

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[ "(posted as a comment but someone told me i should", "make my own thread. also happened long long ago)", "i was at a girlfriends house when i was 16. this", "was the girl i lost my virginity to and us being", "teens we where testing the boundaries of what we", "could get away with (being as her mom was home).", "i never saw the tube of icy hot. nor the cream on", "her hands. i had come back in the room after", "grabbing a snack and my girlfriend nonchalantly", "sneaks her hands down my pants. the cold cream", "was different but she had a ton of lotions and", "thought nothing of it. after a minute or two of", "kissing and rubbing i start to feel a warming", "sensation. i pull back and there is this", "mischievous look in my girlfriends eyes. that", "when the burning starts. slow, but small runs of", "it started to streak out like fire. i broke for", "the bathroom like road runner in a wile coyote", "short. just me sprinting through a house, hands", "deep in my pants like i'm cradling a sack of", "coals. get in the bathroom and immediately slap", "my goods in the sink and get to hosing. in my", "frightful panic i had forgotten to shut the door.", "in between the splashing, fumbling, and", "whimpering i hear the distinct sound of someone", "putting down a recliner. eyes shooting down the", "hall to see in plain view the arm chair where her", "mother would watch tv still slightly rocking from", "someone's recent exit. i know she saw everything.", "if not, she at least heared me bellowing like a", "small girl as i try to wash what felt like greek", "fire from tip to taint. of course my girlfriend", "apologized. i told her that i thought her mom had", "seen me. but nothing was ever said. i'd like to", "believe it was due to the fact my girlfriend had", "dated a real run of bad guys. i was the first", "decent individual she had brought home. but it's", "more likely that what grown woman wants to ask", "her daughters 16 year old boyfriend why he was", "sanitizing his goods in her bathroom." ]

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[ "so this happened yesterday. i was going down quite", "a steep off road hill, where i can easily reach", "50-60 mph. i feel myself shifting around on my", "seat so i stand up at top speed so i can reset", "it. the way i was holding on to my handle bars", "and pedals allowed the bike to jump up and down", "without me myself moving a lot (a habit from road", "biking, allowing me to tilt my bike without me", "moving a lot). i did the mistake of doing this", "leaned forward and just hovering 2 inches off my", "seat (my seat post is quite high, it goes up to", "my lower abdomen). i hit a bump and my bike jumps", "up and hits me right in the balls. i couldn't", "bear the pain, so i end up falling, rolling about", "a hundred meters, covered in pricks and fire", "ants. i shamefully get up from in front of a few", "dozen people, hold on to my crotch with one hand,", "and take the bicycle home with the other. i am", "still afraid of that bike. i am not too injured", "except my swollen balls and a a few pricks." ]

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[ "as per the trend in this sub, i will start by", "saying this actually happened a few years ago.", "i came in to the office to meet with some of my", "overnight team members who had been having a", "conflict.", "one of the team members, the one who was causing", "most of the problems, was being super mouthy and", "passive aggressive during the meeting. he kept", "making sideways comments any time someone else", "would tell their side of the story and", "contradicting not only them; but also,", "contradicting me when i would state the facts of", "the issue. it got to the point where we were no", "longer able to make any progress with the group", "so i excused everybody else and kept him back in", "my office. he ended up getting incredibly", "defensive and disrespectful so i termed him on", "the spot.", "since i came in at 10 pm to have this meeting and", "i just fired my overnight coverage, i then texted", "my fiancé to tell her i'd be working all night", "because i just fired a guy.", "\"babe, i'm stuck here all night. i just had to", "fire this jerk and he was the only coverage i", "had. \"", "unfortunately, it turns out i sent the text to", "the guy i had just fired and not my fiancé.", "awkward.", "so i got stuck covering his shift after working", "all day. it made for a long day / night. he", "proceeded to go on social media to describe his", "plight to the world as the poor victim who was", "unfairly fired for being the only person with the", "\"guts to be honest.\"", "the next night i got a call from my boss who was", "in china on a sales trip. apparently the owner of", "the company got an email from this class act", "telling him how mean, incompetent, and unfair i", "was... and now my boss, who i legitimately", "respect and admire, is concerned that there's a", "problem in the department; so concerned, that he", "had to call me at 2 am local time in china. the", "story he got was that i fired the guy and then", "texted him to taunt him." ]

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[ "this fu actually happened yesterday but i'm", "sitting in the repair shop waiting room right", "now, so it's possibly still ongoing. i was", "getting my vehicle ready for a vacation road trip", "and saw i had some new wiper blades that i had", "purchased a few months prior that i had never", "gotten around to installing. i removed the old", "blade, went to install the new blade when", "disaster stuck. the", "seemingly-stronger-then-necessary spring chose", "that moment to pull the bare metal arm into the", "windshield resulting in an impressive impact with", "3 seven inch cracks expanding away from the", "impact point. one crack went vertically up the", "windshield while the other two travelled in", "opposite horizontal directions. so far this", "hasn't resulted in a delayed start to my", "vacation, but i'm not happy with the unexpected", "expense. i learned a lesson tho, in the future", "i'll definitely put something capable of", "absorbing an impact on my windshield when", "changing wiper blades." ]

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[ "now i know what you're thinking, huh... i've seen", "a similar title like this before. i'm sure this", "poor man sent an explicit object to an", "unsuspecting adolescent. on the contrary, it was", "i who was the victim. have you ever watched a", "movie or tv show wherein a female lead has trust", "issues because she was lied to or cheated on?", "before today i had thought such dramatic and", "intense feelings had no place in my strong", "beating heart. at least the dull ache of mistrust", "and disgust i received would “return to sender”", "unlike the package i sent…", "so now you're probably curious, “what could have", "the sender so upset and shouldn't he just be able", "to ask for it back?” or perhaps you're thinking", "it was a larger sum of money than he intended.", "both of those are plausible scenarios, but pale", "in comparison to the theft i was subjected to.", "now you might say, “theft? what? i thought he", "misguided a package and i’m not laughing yet.”", "confused? don’t worry my part as being the", "royally ignorant gentleman does come into", "fruition.", "it started as many forgettable days of lives do,", "normal. same morning bed, same house, and the", "same pre-back to school procrastination. this", "year etched a new mark on my chalkboard, as it", "does any other individual. college classes loomed", "near and the restriction of time began to slowly", "choke me of my available time. time is no slouch", "and relishes the sight of people turning purple", "with the strangulation of forgotten deadlines.", "“hmm, maybe i should making moving in more", "manageable this year and make money while doing", "it,” i thought. see where i’m going? if you’re", "still lost, don’t worry there is still help for", "you. somewhere else probably in a clinic, but", "still there if you need it.", "day two and i’ve become vice president of", "marketing, shot caller, i was doing what i set", "out to do and felt like both parties became", "happier with every transaction. “by this rate", "moving is going to be a breeze!” i thought. text", "message after text message, my phone was blowing", "up with potential buyers left and right. one of", "these messages pulls me back into reality and was", "actually quite touching. a distant father wanting", "to send his son a computer for his birthday. the", "item in question was actually quite sought after", "and received more attention than i had intended.", "here was mess up number one, i messaged the man", "thinking, “money is the same no matter whose it", "is, so why not help him even though he wasn’t", "even close to be one of the first to attempt for", "its possession through monetary means. i looked", "at my phone “so can you send it to his address?", "i’ll pay extra for one day shipping so it’s not", "late :) “ hindsight is truly 20/20. heck, side", "sight was even present and i was still stripped", "of any recompense. the father, let’s call him", "“will” created a very detailed and convincing", "email string from [email protected] these emails", "showed the amount he owed, the shipping cost, the", "address of the recipient, the name, and even a", "gif of a paypal ad. skepticism is healthy and if", "you are doubtful there is an auction payment", "system through paypal that requires the tracking", "number for a payment to verify, that would be", "correct. there most certainly is not a service of", "that sort.", "this form of email fraud was well planned. use a", "fake number to lure a seller and emotionally", "evoke them. once they are at least considering it", "give a fake name, address, email official looking", "paypal email, request one day shipping for your", "in need son, include shipping costs in email, and", "once the seller realizes the mistake the package", "is already far away from its original location.", "now if you're lucky your request to “return to", "sender” will be heard and not ignored like mine", "was since the first five minutes after that", "package had left my hand. this is not a free", "service and even with the money i was willing to", "spend in order for the package to return into the", "right hands, it was completely overlooked. think", "i was screwed yet? that isn’t even the most", "infuriating part. later that day i confronted the", "buyer praying all of these red flags were", "exaggerated coincidences. nope. the messages that", "followed left me in shock. i was now one of those", "idiots in the infamous stories of fraud. the", "predictable ones where you think why didn’t you", "trust your gut? probably something you’re", "thinking now. the last few messages he sent me", "were, “i got nobody in usa. they are all fake.", "fake name, fake address. i am all fake. i am here", "in nigeria. i have no business in usa.”" ]

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[ "about 2 weeks ago, i was driving my old 96 diesel", "dodge over some unpaved land when i suddenly", "began to notice my transmission was having", "trouble shifting gears. i got off and discovered", "that i had hit something and busted my quick", "connect off my transmission line. so i left my", "truck there and walked home.", "so fast forward to today, i finally got time to", "tap my transmission, put in about 15 qts of new", "fluid (not all at once, lost fluid every", "disconnect), and install a new after-market quick", "connector. well, this quickly becomes annoying", "because the transmission line kept popping off", "every time i put the truck into gear and spilling", "the new transmission fluid all over the place.", "then comes the rain. it starts pouring and all i", "want to do is get home.", "well after 4 attempts involving shifting, test", "driving and having the connector pop off all", "seems well - or so i thought. i begin my drive", "back home, when it happens. i lose power and get", "stuck. rrrrrrr! it happened again!!! at this", "point, i was just so pissed off at dodge and", "their quick connect system. so i hop off my truck", "and quickly pop the line back until it snaps in", "place.", "suddenly, i noticed the truck moving in reverse", "and my legs right next to the tire! i don't even", "know how, but i quickly roll under the truck and", "scrape the crap out of my left hand. meanwhile,", "my truck starts rolling backward with me under", "it. i take a moment to gasp what is going on, as", "i am drenched in transmission fluid and rain. oh", "crap, i forgot to put the truck back into park. i", "chase after my truck as it proceeds to go", "straight into a ditch. well, i managed to jump", "back into it as my bumper hits a valley. i", "quickly press the brakes.", "i use my winch to get my truck some traction. as", "i am pulling my truck out, i see that my bumper", "is bent, hitch is covered in with wires", "protruding outward, and my hitch pin connector", "cracked in two pieces in mud. well, at least i am", "up and running without any leaks. so i drive home", "take my clothes off and shower. well, here comes", "the kicker. i walk out the door with my mom and", "sister at the door holding baseball bats about to", "take a swing at me. apparently my hand left blood", "all over the door and the trail of atf-4", "transmission fluid all over the place also looked", "very similar to blood so my family assumed i was", "being murdered." ]

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[ "for a twist, this actually happened today! it", "started when a wind storm came over my city , and", "my neighborhood was really noisy from the wind.i", "was busy cooking some steak and mushrooms, my", "father finishing his meal and my mother heading", "to work from the garage when we heard a huge", "crash.", "i immediately stopped cooking, ensured i shut off", "the stove, and hurried outside before my father", "to see if it was my mother , whom was starting to", "drive away. thankfully it wasn't her , but the", "wind got so rough, it actually blew over our pine", "tree , snapping it at the roots. my father and i", "head over to check the damage , it barely missing", "my car , missing a passing neighbor's car , and", "collapsing perfectly perpendicular across the", "road, thankfully not tall enough to hit anyone .", "i checked on my neighbor whom was passing, and he", "said he saw the tree tilting too far, then hit", "the brakes as it came down, missing him", "thankfully . immediately , another neighbor of", "mine (we can call him jeff) came over to see and", "make sure we are ok. my mom left as my father,", "jeff, and i began cutting up the tree to not", "block the road.", "jeff brought over a hacksaw of his and my father", "was using our dull chainsaw. i was busy kicking", "parts of the tree apart and carrying away all the", "cut branches so the big trunk would be", "manageable. jeff came over to help cut up", "branches as other neighbors came out to see what", "made the noise.", "jeff started cutting up the trunk with his saw", "near the top, about 18 inches down from the top", "as he asked us if he could have the wood for his", "fire pit. we said sure as we have no way to use", "it . my father was about 30 more inches further", "from jeff , working with the chain saw. (yes,", "this is important)", "i took over for jeff at one point so he can get a", "break, and we had an idea. let's cut right by the", "base of the tree where it meets the sidewalk,", "then simply push the free chunk of tree together", "so it's not in the road, then work from there.", "we start a new cut and the chainsaw cut", "initially , but was too thick to go deeper as the", "tree sagged a bit, closing the gap . jeff stuck", "his hacksaw in and worked away, then so did i for", "a while.", "the gap was the annoying part and my father said", "he'd like to try the chainsaw again. i had the", "\"genius\" idea of balancing on the end of the tree", ", hopefully having my weight bend the tree just", "enough for my dad to cut with the chainsaw. then", "we thought i could carefully bounce a bit to help", "split the tree, so i sure did. i used a chunk of", "remaining branch by the top to help me balance", "during this", "**jump, bounce, bounce** i went and you can hear", "little crack noises as it worked. carefully", "rebalanced myself, then **bounce bounce crack**", "again. my father yelled \"it's working!\" and i", "nodded. it was tiring but i kept going, then", "bounced as hard as i could.", "#snap", "the pine tree snapped completely! unfortunately,", "not at the split my dad was working at , but at", "the cut near the top. it somehow didn't occur to", "me that the previous cuts might've been an issue", "with my plan.", "it fell, so did i, and another nearby split", "branch with jagged edges caught my arm .", "unfortunately, i was gripping that initial branch", "like a stripper with a hundred dollar bill , so", "the jagged edge sliced right into my arm , having", "my full momentum to ensure i learned my lesson.", "i get up to the face of jeff asking if i'm ok,", "and i immediately get up and assure him i am , as", "the neighbors across the street, two doors down,", "and one more all stare at me if i am.", "i head off for a moment to \"get a rake\" and", "prevent myself from throwing up from shock. when", "i fell, the side of my ankle hit the solid wood,", "right on the bone as it twisted a bit but my arm", "felt fine. then i felt wetness , a combination of", "the starting rain and my arm bleeding.", "in the end, i recovered after a minute and we got", "the tree taken care of , and now i have to", "bandage my arm , just in time for my girlfriend's", "birthday tomorrow , who is really sad what", "happened to me, but is understandably", "disappointed i didn't use more common sense." ]

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[ "so three weeks ago, i moved to a new city after", "being offered my dream position at a company that", "i’ve been trying to get in with for a while. i’m", "a recently graduated engineer and after six", "months of looking i finally have a job where i’m", "using everything that i learned in college. and", "so far it’s been great. the people are super nice", "and friendly. the equipment i get to work with is", "state of the art. there is a cafeteria in the", "building open 24/7 with complementary coffee.", "hell, there is even a gym built into the building", "for employees only, and it’s a nice gym. what i’m", "trying to get at here is that i really like this", "job and now i’m not sure if i will have it for", "much longer.", "this happened thursday around 5pm right after i", "was leaving the gym at my work. it had been along", "day and i was ready to just get back to my", "apartment and relax but the second i tried to", "start my car and nothing happened, i knew i", "wasn’t getting back anytime soon. so i get out,", "and grab the jumper cables in my trunk and opened", "my hood. i have aaa road service, so i could call", "and get a jump from one of their agents but at", "best that takes 30 minutes and at rush hour it", "would probably take substantially longer. and 5pm", "is rush hour. however, since most people leave", "around this time and because everyone had been so", "nice, i decide that i was just going to wait for", "someone who had parked around me to come out and", "i could ask them for a jump. of course this is", "about the time that it started raining harder.", "i remembered that i had an umbrella in the car so", "i grabbed it and stood out in front of my car", "waiting for about 2 minutes until the rain", "transitioned from a drizzle to more of a shower.", "at this point i was starting to get pretty wet so", "i closed the hood of my car and got into it. this", "worked though because i was facing the entrance", "of my building so i could see if anyone was", "walking my way. a few more minutes went by and", "the rain began to lessen up.", "that’s when i noticed this this well dressed,", "middle-aged man walking towards me. i had seen", "this guy a few times in the hallway and he always", "smiled so i figured he would be as good a person", "to ask as any. i get out with my jumper cables in", "hand and proceed to introduce myself and ask if", "he would mind giving me a jump. the guys name was", "mike and as it turned out he drove the little", "black porsche parked next to me. he gladly", "offered to jump my car and we start to hook the", "cables up but he had to look through his manual", "to find out where they put the battery in his", "car. he had only just bought his car a few weeks", "back and i had recently traded in my old car for", "one with air conditioning around a month ago, so", "we talked about our new rides while i hooked up", "my end of the jumper cables.", "once i got them hooked up, i tried to turn the", "car on immediately but it didn’t start so mike", "suggested we just leave his car on and wait a few", "minutes to let my battery charge. so we talked", "for a little and another man, one of mike’s", "colleagues i’m assuming from the exchange, came", "over to see what was happening. that’s when it", "came up that he was working on this project that", "just so happened to be the project i was hired to", "assist in. i told them who my manager was and to", "my surprise not only did he know her, but he was", "the one they brought on to lead the project. it", "took me a second but it finally registered that", "the guy who was helping me out was my boss’s boss", "or maybe even my boss’s boss’s boss. so now i was", "like, oh shit i have to make a good impression.", "spoiler alert! i didn’t make a good impression.", "so after a few minutes of talking with my boss’s", "boss, aka mike, i decided to try and start my car", "again. now at this time our cars were about a", "foot apart and the hoods of both were up with the", "cars facing each other, while mike and mike’s", "colleague stood off to one side, supervising. so", "i go to get into my car, still slightly", "dumbfounded that my boss’s boss is nice enough to", "stop and jump start me, all in the rain no less.", "then without closing the door, i put my car in", "gear, pushed in the clutch and tried to start it.", "to my amazement it started, so it turned out that", "mike was right and all it needed was to charge a", "little. that’s when i let out the clutch and", "stalled my car.", "for the sake of people who don’t know about cars", "with a manual transitions, stalling is when you", "let out the clutch while there is still a gear", "engaged, and if your car is not moving it will", "shut off the engine rather violently. this", "usually causes the car to jump forward abruptly", "about a foot and a half to two feet which is", "exactly what happened. the car jumped forward", "abruptly and while i couldn’t see the other car", "because my hood was in the way, i felt it hit.", "but even then i was still a little in denial", "about what had just happened, all up until i", "looked over and saw mike face. the face that i", "had yet to see without a smile was now furrowed", "and worried. my first thought, “please, no.”", "immediately i threw the car in neutral and", "without turning it on again i grabbed the", "doorframe and pushed the car back about a foot.", "as i came around the front to see the aftermath,", "the first thing i noticed was mike’s worry slowly", "turning into horror as it began to register what", "the guy he was trying to help, had just done to", "his new car. i didn’t know what to do but", "apologize so i apologized profusely. the", "colleague remarked that it could have been much", "worse had someone been between the cars, so i", "guess that’s kind of a bright side, right?", "we inspected the car and mike used a towel to", "buff off most of the marks on the black plastic", "fender. it still looked like there could have", "been some damage so we agreed he should have it", "checked out and exchanged information. i", "continued to apologize until he left and offered", "to drive him if he needed to drop his car off to", "get fixed. as he drove away i thanked him one", "more time for his help. i still feel awful but", "i’m not really sure what else i could have done." ]

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[ "the first time this happened was a few months ago", "when we first bought our house. the master", "bathroom was remodeled but the shower stall was", "the cheap kind and we wanted to switch to the", "marble shower pan. my wife asked her uncle to", "help change it since he does construction and all", "that remodeling stuff. so the following weekend", "they start the remodel and they're tearing down", "the part of the bathroom to install the new", "shower pan. they gave me a piece of the tile and", "told me to go get that same kind. we actually", "called the real estate agent who called the", "seller of our house to find out which store they", "got it from a few days before.", "so i head to that store with the piece of tile", "and show the lady there. she recognizes it and", "says oh i know that model.. this is the model. i", "quickly compared it and it looked like a match.", "brought it home and they start installing it..", "only to find out it's not the exact model halfway", "through. he gets all upset and tell us it's the", "wrong one. in laws told me i had one job, and", "asks how did i fuck up.", "cue to two days ago. we are expanding our house", "and we need the same tile. i head to the same", "store with a big sample. i go in and show the", "lady the sample and told her i needed this piece", "that i got from here before. she told me she", "could check my invoice for the model and asks for", "my number. i provide her my number and she", "provided the model. i bought three stacks without", "even comparing, assumed they were the correct", "model i got the last time.", "the construction guys doing the expansion tore", "part of the bathroom down today and installed the", "wrong tiles without realizing it until they were", "done. so 1/5 of the tiles on the wall are the", "wrong ones. they told my mil n wife when they", "found out and they called me asking how the fuck", "did i fuck up for the second time when i brought", "in the exact sample. yup, in-laws and my wife are", "not happy. just got home from work and it's", "slightly awkward. they all must regret letting me", "marry their daughter ha ha hahha.", "edit: woke up this morning and the construction", "guys were removing the wrong tiles off the wall.", "they had a good laugh about it and helped to pack", "up the remaining stacks. rushed to tile store", "this morning since they opened at 8:30. got three", "more stacks of the correct model and dropped them", "off this morning. so no real delay, just an", "inconvenience and embarrassment. but all is good." ]

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[ "so yesterday i posted this amazing gif on", "r/battlefield_one and i was getting so many", "upvotes and comments on it.", "everybody loved it. it was perfect. within a few", "hours it reached 4.2k upvotes. that's the highest", "i've ever gotten so i was thrilled.", "until i tried uploading another clip while using", "reddit on my phone. i ended up not liking the", "clip, and since i was uploading it using my", "laptop i thought: 'let me save a few seconds and", "just start working on the next one and delete", "this one from my phone'.", "so i did. so i thought. i checked again thinking", "maybe the clip wasn't deleted. to my surprise and", "utter frustration i just deleted my hot post and", "left the new one. ( i tried to google how to", "un-remove a post from reddit) tears were shed." ]

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[ "dear reddit, \n\ntoday, i fucked up.", "previous side note - i first got an iphone maybe", "about 7 years ago. told siri to call me \"danny\",", "it decided to go with \"daddy\". never fixed it,", "immature me thought it was pretty funny.", "the fuck up.", "about a month ago i bought an apple watch. i've", "been using it to track my workouts- roughly - and", "wear it while i'm at the gym. the fucked up part,", "the easily accessible buttons that always seem to", "work ass backwards provide different functions.", "i'm going through my workout, and i decide it's", "time to move on to trx push ups. while doing push", "ups, my wrists will flex allowing the back of my", "hand to press towards my shoulder, naturally.", "this causes pressure to be placed on the buttons", "on the side of an apple watch. holding down the", "power button brings up a menu with 3 options -", "1. power off\n2. medical info", "3. emergency services", "continuing to press this button will notify/alert", "emergency services and dial 9-1-1 and send an sos", "text to your emergency contact.", "for the second time in 3 weeks i've had the local", "police department show up at the gym i go to", "mid-workout looking for me. all due to a poor", "design while working out with a watch that's", "centered around being an activity tracker. this", "also happened on a saturday about 3 weeks prior", "to this incident. the first time i had cancelled", "the call, and dialed 9-1-1 to inform them i had", "dialed by mistake. officer showed up regardless", "about 10 minutes later.", "on top of that, this is the text it sent my", "mother:", "\"emergency sos", "danny0wnz has made an emergency call from this", "approximate location. you are receiving this", "message because daddy has listed you as an", "emergency contact.\"", "mother calls me freaking out, and i have to", "explain to the wonderful staff at the counter", "that i'm an idiot, and of course apologize for", "wasting local leos time...", "also, if anybody knows of any settings or", "alterations i can make, i would greatly", "appreciate it. this feature really doesn't make", "the most sense to me and i would love to be able", "to disable it." ]

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[ "it happened moments ago. i was doing number 2", "while watching videos on youtube (yes, youtube, i", "wasn't in the mood for ctrl shift n today) and", "thought it was a good idea to change my iphone's", "battery.", "first things first. my phone battery was dying", "and i thought about getting it replaced. but i'm", "the kind of guy who likes to fix stuff by his", "own. i got a new battery and tools from", "mercadolivre and they arrived earlier today, the", "tools were looking at me and almost calling me so", "i went to them.", "opened the phone, did the screen trick to avoid", "removing it and started to pull out apple's", "stupid adesive tape. here i fucked up. i couldn't", "pull the tape out as i remembered from ifixit and", "my uncle borrowed my laptop, so i couldn't watch", "the video.", "so i thought: i'm doing this the smart way and it", "failed. i'll do it the wrong way (the wrong way,", "if did correctly, also works). i will take the", "battery out with brute force. understand one", "thing, brute force works, because the tape isn't", "strong than an idiot, so it was actually safe to", "do. but the tape was stronger than my plastic", "tools, so a got an stainless steel tool: my", "switchblade.", "i did a fuck.", "it felt like it was working. and was easy...", "fire. disappears. almost shit on pants. look", "under the battery. i wasn't taking the battery", "out. i was tooking the lithium ion cell out of", "the black protective case '-' genius.", "continued trying to remove it from the board with", "plastic tools. nothing. so i had another gread", "idea. at this time i was shaking a lot. could", "barely hold the tools. the battery had released", "like 4 flames at this point but if i stayed still", "my whole phone could get in fire. i used the", "switchblade to separate the glued black case part", "from the rest by cutting it in the side like if", "it was a piece of meat.", "okay. calmed down, clock bomb removed and now the", "easy part. put the new battery in place, sticked", "it to the phone with double sided tape and closed", "it.", "the tape was too weak, i can feel the battery", "shaking inside the phone. the battery life isn't", "the greatest. this post took 17% of it. i", "destroyes the old one and now i know i should get", "my laptop back or buy a hairdryer, it can weak", "the adesive." ]

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[ "so, this literally happened two minutes ago. i'm", "currently drunk weeping while in my friends", "bathroom writing this.", "my best friends family has been setting up a", "surprise party for months for my friends mom", "(she's turning 50). i had plans to go to a beach", "house on the weekend so i felt obliged to ask", "when the party ran until on said saturday.", "me and my friend just walked in his house after", "going bowling for the night and i was trying to", "act normal (not drunk) so i decided to strike up", "a conversation with his parents. my literal first", "line was \"hey ***, when's your surprise party", "saturday?\", directly to to his mother", "i have never felt more ashamed in my life. i", "turned around and walked towards the door and", "started talking about a party this weekend at the", "beach house and invited her down.", "as i was writing this we walked outside my friend", "was talking to his dad, and the only thing he", "said to my friend was \"we'll talk about it", "later\".", "well, this was the most painful experience to my", "life so far." ]

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[ "what would you do for a klondike bar? here's what", "i did for it :", "today i was late to work and didn't have any", "breakfast so i went into my garage fridge and", "grabbed an original flavored klondike bar for the", "road. i started driving and whilst doing that i", "decided to unwrap the tasty ice cream treat. i", "took both hands off the wheel in a slow 25 mph", "zone and tried to open the wrapper (it's one of", "those newer ones so it's really hard). i", "accidentally drop it and it lands behind my brake", "pedal. not wanting to break the klondike bar i", "decide to reach down for it but as that happens a", "deer runs across the road and i slam on the brake", "pedal which does me no good and i hit the deer", "with my car. i get out and see the car good", "pushed up and the grill and car emblem are", "shattered. i go back to the drivers side to get", "my phone and see the worst thing imaginable. the", "klondike bar was smashed by the brake pedal. that", "klondike bar cost me $2500 in car damages." ]

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[ "i'm currently working for an older woman, painting", "the cabinetry in her kitchen. for the base coat", "i've been using a super high-tack paint so it'll", "stick. well today i was painting up high on the", "ladder with the paint bucket resting on the top", "of the ladder. when i got down and went to move", "the ladder, i forgot to move the paint first and", "the full bucket fell from the top of the ladder.", "not only did it splatter all over the floor, it", "also hit the couch, the walls, other furniture,", "and lastly, my boss's little dog.", "he was so startled and he ran all over the house", "bringing paint with him to the expensive rugs and", "couches that my boss has collected.", "needless to say, the rest of the day was spent", "scraping high-tack paint from every surface in", "the kitchen and bathing the dog.", "proof: http://imgur.com/a/eqm1c" ]

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[ "**full story**", "so i'm going away with some mates for an end of", "school trip and i thought it would be a good idea", "to buy myself a skateboard. when i was younger", "(9-12) i was a skateboard fanatic. always", "skating, learning new tricks. the whole lot", "pretty much so even though i haven't skated in", "ages i'm pretty confident.", "the first day i buy the skateboard i take it out", "for a test ride and it runs well, i'm a bit rusty", "but hey, i can get back into this right?", "i end up over estimating my ability and go to", "jump off a staircase. first few times i don't", "land it but i keep trying. on the fourth or so", "attempt i land it but a second later come off the", "board, landing on my wrist. the pain was a lot", "haha. i thought i just sprained it but i'm having", "doubts now as i can't move the wrist without", "excruciating pain.", "now this is bad because i need the wrist to do", "everything i love all from playing video games to", "playing my guitar. now i'm going to be going to", "my friends 18th for dinner and at a club whilst", "in a sling. poof.", "[proof](https://imgur.com/gallery/0q14b)" ]

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[ "this is actually one of the rare ones that", "happened today. so before you call me a moron let", "me explain", "i'll start from the beginning", "me and my friend were on our way back from", "getting my car washed after someone had dumped", "condiments on it. as we were pulling into a", "parking spot i saw the the police officer had", "parked his car in the wrong spot. i had a few", "parking notices from him in my car and thought it", "would be funny if i put one on his car. so i", "grabbed a ticket that was already filled out and", "put it on his car then went inside and went to my", "class.", "well about an hour goes by and i get pulled into", "the office, i've been pulled into the office", "before for missing class a few times and this", "time i was taken into a different room which", "worried me because i only ever saw really bad", "kids go into this room. i take a seat and the", "tell me the admin will be in to talk to me in a", "minute. at this point i'm not starting to feel", "something weird is going on but wasn't really", "connecting the dots. then the admin tells me he's", "gonna give me 20 min to think about what i did", "and the path i'm going to take. then he comes in", "with the security guard and puts the ticket on", "the table. i was wondering why all this fuss over", "a little ticket because i've done this once", "before and we all laughed about it. then they", "told me what was written on the ticket.", "this particular ticket was put on my car a few", "weeks earlier by another student and what was", "written on it was you're a cuck. i hadn't", "realized that was the one i grabbed and felt bad", "for putting that on his car, i thought i grabbed", "one of the official tickets not the stupid one.", "this immediately made me feel horrible.", "it gets better, then they said that they could", "turn this into the police as a death threat. at", "this point i'm thinking \"over a silly little", "note?\" then they told me it said \"die idiot\" on", "the top and that's a death threat. let me tell", "you my heart sank, not because i thought i was in", "deep shit but because i felt horrible for saying", "something like that to the guard i knew he was a", "good guy and he didn't deserve that and i would", "never say something like that to anyone.", "anyways they proceeded to bring a police officer", "in and called my parents. i was freaking out", "because now i realized the weight of the", "situation. my parents arrive and they discuss my", "punishment. i was given the rest of the day off", "as an out of school suspension, and tomorrow i go", "to in school intervention, and my parking pass", "taken for a week. my car taken for a 2 and not", "allowed to go anywhere but for work or school for", "a week.", "now let me tell you that's still not the best", "part. i'm a senior and 3 months away from 18 and", "they wanted to give me expulsion and take it to", "court. the only reason they didn't is i have a", "clean record, not even a detention and good", "grades.", "edit: to clarify, the car wasn't a police car it", "was his personal car. and i did not get sent to", "court, they only threatened to." ]

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[ "so recently my dad was hospitalised, and he came", "back with a diagnosis of diabetes. for some", "reason, he went out and bought this massive", "32-pack of diet pepsi, even though he’s not a", "soda drinker. he took one can, decided he hated", "it and the whole pack went untouched for a week.", "that night, i was tired and really stressed out,", "and i just wanted a soda. i hate diet soda", "though, so when i found that was the only soda in", "the house, my tired brain came up with a solution", "of sorts.", "i took a can of diet pepsi and put a spoon of", "sugar in it, hoping that would somehow turn it", "into normal pepsi. it didn’t work; instead, it", "started fizzing and bubbling over like the", "world’s tamest mentos reaction. i was panicking", "because it was spilling on the floor and if just", "realized how stupid an idea that was, and i", "didn’t want anyone to walk in and find me", "cleaning it up.", "it got all over the counter, down the cupboards,", "onto the floor, and even when i cleaned it up it", "all felt a little sticky the next day. i thought", "i’d gotten away with it, but i had to admit it", "and help clean up properly. my dad had a good", "laugh at me.", "to this day, there is still a mostly full 32 pack", "of diet soda in the pantry." ]

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[ "i had just finished building my friend's pc and it", "was looking great. i realized at the end that i", "forgot to add the psu, i was tired so so sue me.", "i asked him where it was and he had no idea what", "i was on about. i dashed home and grabbed a spare", "one from my stash. this psu i grabbed was the", "wrong one, it was some shifty metal box with a", "giant maw of a fan on top. i plugged it in and we", "turned it on, it worked great for a while then i", "smelled the smell, the smell of burning. my", "friend leapt out of his seat like a rocket and", "sprinted to the bathroom. turns out the", "accidentally grabbed psu set his trousers on fire", "because i forgot to put the cover on the case." ]

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[ "mobile, sorry.", "obligatory \"happened the other day, yada yada\". i", "was with some of the guys drinking at a friend's", "house, whom we will call andy. i fancy my self a", "bit of an amateur chef and had brought over the", "makings of some burgers (goat cheese, pine nuts,", "caramelized onion, minced tomato, ground pork &", "beef, seasonings... etc) and also grilled some", "wings with my special sauce(no ingredient list", "for you). well my food was a hit. both in the", "everyone loved it sense but also a hit to my", "english friend andy's ego as \"everyone\"", "encompassed his family and just a couple of his", "friends. there we are with his kids destroying", "anything i can bring from the grill to the house,", "all whilst his charred little burger bricketts", "sat lonely on a plate.", "this where i fuck up and i didn't even know it at", "the time. andy, aka amateur chef #2, starts", "spouting off about a cook off. \"oi! look 'ere", "mate. can't be fohkin' taken the piss out me on", "the grill. cook off! 'alloween weekend. grill on", "grill boyo, what'ya say?\". never one to pass an", "opportunity to prove to another human i can best", "them at something i enjoy i say, \" yes. i would", "love to hear your children tell you i'm better on", "the grill. game on.\" (we have a very love/hate", "shit talking friendship.)", "fast forward to a few days ago. i'm told by andy", "that his boss (owner of his company, same company", "my brother and 99% of my friends work at, same", "company in the midst of making me a job offer)", "wants in on the fun. he proceeds to tell us that", "the cook off is now moved to the office/shop and", "that himself and another gentleman are bringing", "smokers. owner will be smoking a whole pig. i", "don't even know what the other guy is making.", "sounds fun huh? wrong! i was just told that last", "thursday a company wide email went out and now we", "can expect easily 40-60 people to feed. i of", "course want to get my job offer so i'm gritting", "my teeth about to spend $200-$300 so everyone can", "get some wings and deviled eggs. either that or", "loose an opportunity to impress ownership.", "tl;dr: challenged to a cook off, but judges panel", "grows costing my wallet hundreds and a lot more", "prep time." ]

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[ "so as a backstory, for the past few days my mom", "has been obsessing over this new cat that she is", "getting. i mean properly obsessing, like every", "minute talking about this cat. we even went to go", "see it yesterday.", "fast forward to today. my local radio station for", "the past few weeks has been running a competition", "where you send in an sms, and if you're lucky you", "get a call from them to take part in the", "competition on air.", "the competition is called perfect pairs, and what", "happens is they call out a word and then you have", "to reply with something that is a pair to it. if", "you get more than the other person on the line,", "you win r5000 (around $500 - a huge deal for", "broke student me) i had been listening to it all", "week, and finally i got the call to be on air!", "now i've literally never won any type of raffle", "or draw in my life, so i was pretty excited.", "so i go on air, and they start calling out words,", "and i'm doing pretty well. until they say dog.", "and my obsessed brain calls out \"cat!\" because my", "cat and dog love each other. i hear the buzzer go", "off, and my r5000 go down the drain. needless to", "say i'm pretty pissed off at myself. especially", "because the other person only beat me by 1." ]

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[ "happened a couple of hours ago.", "i’ve been playing this game i stumbled across", "recently.", "you know the ones, free, highly addictive, but", "jam packed full of advertising.", "anyhows, i thought i was an absolute champion", "when i scored 34 earlier today. the first thing i", "thought of was boasting to my boy when he came", "home from pre school since he likes the game too.", "i was all in his face like “i’m the game king”.", "i figured my 5 year old had no chance of beating", "my score as the highest i’d seen him get was a", "measly 21 - and he fluked it, so i told him i’d", "give him $100 (australian) if he could beat my", "score.", "never underestimate the power of a huge financial", "incentive. i heard uncontrollable laughter about", "15 minutes later. sure enough the little guy had", "cracked my high score. 38.", "parents of reddit will understand you can’t go", "back on your word with children. his piggy bank", "just got $100 fatter and i’ve had to put up with", "“i’m pretty good aren’t i dad?!” :)", "edit: understandably my original post was removed", "by mod. made some small changes so it didn’t", "appear that i was an advertising genius." ]

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[ "so this actually happened today; working on a", "bathroom remodel and needed to increase the hole", "cutout for the fan. i used a spare piece of", "drywall to mark the cuts i needed to make and", "then began cutting with a utility knife.", "things were going good, got one side done. after", "working on the other side i hit a hard part and", "tried to force the utility knife through...ended", "up pushing forward to much and it ended up", "catching my other hand which was positioned", "badly.", "it sliced through part of my middle finger and", "the leather gloves i was wearing. i got lucky and", "there wasn't tendon damage and only cut through", "1/4\" or so.", "the next part i didn't fu (or at least i tell", "myself to feel better):", "after i cut my finger, i went into shock, ripped", "off my gloves, eye and breathing filter, quickly", "ran to find a towel and tried to slow the", "bleeding down. blood drops were all over -", "luckily i had a lot drop cloths on some of the", "carpet.", "debated between calling 911 or my wife as i", "rushed to the neighbors in case i past out. ended", "up calling my wife and telling her i hurt myself", "and need her to come right over (she was 10", "minutes away).", "wife came and took me to urgent care; we got in", "right before they closed. since it kept bleeding", "the dr. put a rubber tourniquet on my finger to", "stop the bleeding and after numbing it gave me 6", "stitches.", "at this point i felt great, i'll have stitches", "for 10 days - can't bend my finger and have some", "antibiotics to take. my wife is still distressed", "and thinking i shouldn't ever be allowed to do", "home projects again (but that won't stop me).", "til:", "there are cut resistant gloves that help prevent", "things like this. i'll likely buy a couple of", "pairs but that won't replace me trying to be", "safer and just using my oscillating tool even if", "it does create more dust." ]

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[ "saturday, i was at work at the local renfaire,", "doing my thing selling swords. nothing", "exceptional in this day, start of the faire, nice", "weather, etc...", "i was talking with a customer across the counter", "from me, me standing up, feet crossed, left foot", "flat and right foot toes down. i had laced up my", "boots that morning, and had left a loop of lacing", "out of my boots. hadn't given it a second", "thought.", "i started turning around to my right to go grab a", "sword off the wall that the customer might be", "interested in. my right foot followed my body in", "the turn, and the loop caught on the buttons on", "my left boot. being such a large loop, it gave my", "foot enough space to be completely unusable as i", "feel myself start to fall down.", "my hands go out in a vain effort to stop my fall,", "and my right hand hits the back wall of the shop,", "and starts dragging. i continue the fall, with my", "right hand raking across not one, but two sabers", "on the way down. i hit the floor, and pull my", "hand in to my chest, watching the blood start to", "run and drip out of my fist. i stuff the rag that", "was in my left hand into my injured hand, close", "my fingers on it, and make my way to the medical", "building.", "good news, they say is that we got the bleeding", "stopped, on site.", "bad news, they say is that i need stitches, and", "they don't do stitches there. off to the hospital", "i go.", "3 hours, and 25 stitches later (13 on pinky, 3 on", "ring, 9 on palm) i am back on site finishing off", "the day.", "sunday, i am awarded a purple crown by the", "faire's princess for \"injury during gallant", "service to the faire\"" ]

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[ "for the past month i have been actively searching", "for a new job. i am still holding a job, but have", "been discretely submitting applications to", "postings on indeed, career builder, etc. if a job", "posting comes up that is similar to my title and", "experience, i shoot my resume and cover letter", "over after taking a quick look at the job", "description.", "today i fucked up by not paying attention to who", "the company was with before applying. i submitted", "my resume like i always do. surprisingly, i got a", "response from this specific posting quicker than", "usual. in the text it said simply \"i don't think", "you meant to apply here...\" the reply was signed", "by a familiar name, but i didn't put two and two", "together until my boss called me in the next day", "and had me shut the door. turns out the position", "i had applied for was with a company that was", "co-owned by her husband, which explained why the", "name looked familiar (she had kept her maiden", "name, so it wasn't as obvious when i first saw", "his signature). she had been alerted to my", "application by her husband and demanded an", "explanation. i tried to bullshit my way through", "an excuse, but for obvious reasons it didn't", "stick. i ended up being given the option to stay", "on two more weeks to train my replacement, or", "pack up my things today. i guess i should be", "thankful for even having that option offered, but", "it still leaves me in a tight spot to find a new", "job while still supporting my family." ]

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[ "so, this did actually happen today, but it's an", "accumulation of two months of dumbassery which is", "the core of my fuck up. pardon and spelling", "mistakes/formatting/ect, i'm high as a kite on", "codeine and percocet rn.", "so, i have fibromyalgia, which for those", "unfamiliar, is like chronic fatigue syndrome and", "chronic pain had a kid named chad. fucking", "douchebag, fuck you chad. anyway, i'm in lot of", "pain *most* days, including jaw pain, so when my", "jaw starting acting up i chalked it up fibro like", "i do most other random pains i feel and was", "stricter with brushing/flossing. **mistake #1.**", "so it's been a two or three months that i have", "had this little ache in my jaw. now, i've had to", "stop working in the last year because of said", "fibromyalgia. so when my dentist called this", "year, because i'm waiting to get on disability i", "shrugged it off because i have pretty high", "medical bills already, no damn coverage, and", "little savings. **mistake #2**", "so queue today. i come home from my morning walk,", "i have a little piece of burger stuck in my back", "molar so i go to floss it out. as so as the floss", "hit my tooth i went from a 0 on the pain scale to", "\"i'm sweating and about to puke\". now i'm no", "bitch to pain, i'm in it most days, but", "hoooooolllllyy fuck, this came out of no where.", "now i'm bending over on the bathroom floor, heart", "rate spiked basically freaking out like the human", "animal i am. i continue getting the food out,", "cause i figure that was causing the pain (**i'm a", "stubborn idiot**), nope, now the pain is worse.", "okay, listerine, that should help my sorry ass", "right? so back goes a chug and then like that,", "the coldness combined with the alcohol was", "apparently enough to light a fire underneath the", "other teeth on the left side of my jaw. i'm", "sweating, i can't think at this point, my only", "thought is \"pain\". so, since my partner is home", "in an hour i figure i'll take a 30mg codeine", "tablet, put some benzocaine on my teeth, and have", "a cold shower - that should help, right? jokes!.", "i've fractured my rib cage, had innumerable", "injuries from sports and skateboarding and never", "felt anything like this. i managed to get a text", "to my girlfriend telling her of the situation", "before she came home to find me on the ground", "either passed out or trying not to scream in", "pain.", "so i get to the dentist, he sits me down, says", "\"so, it's your left molar i presume\". at this", "point it flashes on me that last time we spoke he", "said he wanted to monitor this tooth, but the", "appointment was during a busy day and i somehow", "forgot all about it **fuck up #3**. so we sit", "down, he looks, does the x-ray. i have a fucking", "abscess, a cavity, and currently it's infected.", "my options: have it yanked or a fucking root", "canal. if i had gone in when this started, this", "would not be the case, he said it probably would", "have just been a filling. fuck me, right? sigh,", "at least the percocets are kind of working.", "so reddit, this is my first tifu, how'd i do?" ]

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[ "so i run a few websites and recently moved them", "onto aws (amazon's cool web services).", "i'm re-writing a part of the site that serves all", "the pictures and videos, i was attempting to move", "from my old standard system to amazon's", "cloudfront and s3 services (better faster", "stronger)", "i re-used a class i had that resizes the images", "(with a cool new watermark) and puts them on s3.", "now what i didn't realize is that in that class", "was 1 simple line of code that was meant for", "later on when i was **actually using their", "services**, that invalidates or \"clears from", "their memory\".", "the \"fu\" was that this was called for every", "single image and video on the site ~440k x each", "of their respective sizes 5.", "so i made a call to their system over 2.2 million", "times over the 3 days it was running!", "now, aws charges for this particular call to the", "tune of $0.005 per call. so when i logged in to", "check my billing history and it popped up with a", "bill of **$13,500** (usually ~$750 by this point", "of the month). i shut down everything,", "deactivated all my cloudfront services, setup", "billing alerts and then had a heart attack.", "i've submitted a ticket and they've been very", "nice and submitted a request for a credit (which", "will need to be approved by commitee), but there", "goes my kids college fund if it doesn't get", "approved." ]

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[ "so today, at least in my state, was the last day", "of high school for me. but yesterday, i had been", "working on an experiment in the main hallway,", "that involved attaching clips to the walls.", "(physics experiment). but, as you know, when it's", "the last day of school, literally everybody is", "like sprinting full breakneck speed down the", "hallway to get to their bus and get out of", "school. so, the second the bell rings everybody's", "out of the door and sprinting to the hallway, but", "some kids had the awful misfortune of wearing", "pants with the belt holes in their pants, and", "three or four kids ended up getting caught in", "these open clips, which set the whole hallway off", "like a bunch of dominos, and i realized to my", "horror that i had just knocked down a hundred", "kids thanks to clips in a wall." ]

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[ "tifu- today, like many days before it, i was", "playing fetch with my dog. she was ecstatic, as", "usual. her whole body was wriggling like a furry", "dolphin as she leapt across the living room to", "retrieve her braided rope. as i tossed the rope,", "i had my laptop balanced on my knees, searching", "for a job that would pay for more toys for my dog", "(and my food, but you can see my priorities.)", "as she returned with her prize, head held high, i", "became distracted by a new craigslist posting,", "taking my eyes off of the dog. she didn't", "appreciate that very much. with a sigh, she pawed", "at my leg, trying to catch my attention, but i", "remained distracted. finally, her impatience", "outgrew her training, and she leapt onto my lap", "like a flying squirrel. unfortunately, she weighs", "almost 60 pounds, and is less squirrel and more", "clumsy lioness. there was room on my lap for only", "one, and in her mind, my laptop was stealing her", "claim to the iron throne.", "with the bat of an enormous paw, my laptop went", "flying, spinning across the room accompanied by a", "soundtrack of my horrified shouts. my dog, now", "perched on my lap like an enormous hat-box, stood", "silently, staring at the carnage she had created.", "my twisted face relaxed into relief, as i saw my", "laptop alight peacefully on my nearby couch in a", "surprising but heartening turn of fate. it was", "only then that i realized that my dog's behind", "was conveniently resting inches from my face.", "i no longer ignore my dog." ]

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[ "this happened about 7 months ago. i was playing my", "guitar at an acoustic gig at the local cafe. so", "while a lot of people use guitar picks, i prefer", "to use my hands because i like the feel of it and", "i feel more comfortable with it. i had been", "growing my nails for a while so it was fine with", "me.", "while i was performing a song with a fast", "strumming pattern (wake me up - avicii), my lower", "e string got stuck in my nail making a weird", "noise and i felt a sharp pain in my index finger.", "i instantly stopped playing and bent down", "grabbing my hand. when i looked at my hand i saw", "that the nail on my index finger was torn like", "paper and was pulled halfway back. i let out a", "scream and one of the \"cue guys\" came to my aid.", "i could hear people whispering stuff like \"oh my", "god that looks horrible\" and stuff.", "it hurt like a bitch and i went offstage for", "about twenty minutes. the pain was coming and", "going as the nail was moving. i asked them to put", "a rough dressing over it, some cotton and", "betadine. i asked for a pick and finished the", "song, horribly so.", "my mates took me to the er and the doctor numbed", "my finger and pulled the nail straight out, felt", "a little pain still. had a bulb shaped dressing", "on my finger for about 5 weeks.", "[", "edit: for everyone asking for evidence, i managed", "to dig this up from my old phone, it's", "shaky/blurry because it was taken while i was in", "the er lobby thingy going to get looked at.", "http://imgur.com/a/w4hx2", "i can't believe i just spent the last twenty", "minutes trying to find a picture to post on the", "internet to convince strangers that my story is", "real." ]

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[ "this fuck up happened about 1 year ago, it was a", "hot and sunny day so i decided to go out and meet", "a group of friend in a field to smoke some of", "that good stuff.", "we had been there for about 1 hour when i decided", "it would be a fantastic idea to pick some grass", "and try and construct a giant grass mound, i had", "picked a grass pile about 1 foot high when i", "spotted what looked like an excellent tuft of", "long grass to add to my collection.", "this is when i fucked up.", "i moved over to the tuft and begun to pick the", "grass, it was going very well until i jammed my", "hand down into the tuft to grab a large handful", "and felt a sharp sting on my thumb, i thought i", "had been stung by an insect but as i drew my hand", "out of the tuft to my horror i saw a 1 inch piece", "of hard dead grass jammed under my thumb nail.", "this stung really badly i immediately stood up", "and gripped my thumb exclaiming that i had just", "jammed grass under my thumb nail(friends where in", "shock as to what i had just done) i rushed home", "and attempted to remove the grass with a pair of", "tweezers only to push it in further.", "fast forward 3 days and i am in the hospital with", "an infected nail bed in agonising pain as the", "nurses are attempting to remove the splinter,", "eventually a doctor (i think he was sick of me", "making noise) came in and removed my nail in 2", "clean motions which were swift but very painful.", "i have had some painful things done to me in the", "name of health at hospitals before but this was", "something else the pain was monumental. after the", "nail was removed it was washed and bandaged up. i", "spent the next month with a giant bandage of my", "very sore thumb, unable to complete simple", "household tasks.", "i will never pick grass again." ]

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[ "sooooooo... where do i begin? i live in canada, we", "get ice and snow for about 1/3 of the year. now", "this story is from a little while ago (last", "march) when the lake was almost clear of ice. i", "was with a couple of buddies of mine, drinking", "and fooling around (a terrible combo), when one", "of them bet myself and my other buddy (lets call", "him dave) to jump in the lake. i agreed, dave did", "not. not wanting to look like a wuss, i stripped", "down to my underwear, and ran for the dock. well,", "i leaped as soon as i reached the edge, hit the", "ice, broke through and then sunk below the ice.", "oh yeah, i forgot, ice is quite solid, and i got", "a massive cut on my thigh but could not feel it", "until i got out. so, my stupid ass is under the", "water, i swim under the dock and break through", "the ice on the beach i ran for the house at mach", "speed, the cold having shrunk some... appendages,", "and as i reached the house, i realized i had this", "massive cut. in the end, dave had to drive me to", "the er and i got 8 stitches and was treated for", "minor shock and mild hypothermia because i didn't", "want to look like a pussy.", "*edit* eyyyy! thanks for taking me to the top of", "tifu!" ]

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[ "the story goes as follows, i was travelling with 2", "friends to jordan to attend my best friends", "wedding. applied & received my visa from the", "embassy and got it after a short hassle and", "putting a deposit of 5000$ as a gurantee cheque.", "i land at the airport everything seesm to be", "going good. we reached passport control, this", "officer stares me up and asks for the passport so", "i give it to him. he takes a look around for my", "visa, he says it is not there, so i ask him to go", "around to the end where it is clearly stamped and", "ask him if he needs my help. he shouts at me and", "tell me \"i know my damn job, stand aside!! next", "person\", he then proceeds to take my friends", "passport whom has the similar situation and just", "lets him pass through passport control.", "standing aside waiting for him to explain the", "issue, he ignores me for 20 mins then asks me to", "go back and have a seat and that my name will be", "called. so i go back have a seat, pissed at the", "situation since all my documents were clearly", "authentic and legit. during this time, both my", "frinds have already gotten beyond that point and", "were to clain our buggages, and i stay waiting", "there for around 2.5 hours, doing nothing but", "screaming over the phone at my friends for this", "shit treatment i was getting for being in their", "country for the first time. they in return kept", "sending me international minutes to maintain the", "phone call in calming me down. they asked me to", "not create any issues since secret services are", "entittled to do whatever they please in order to", "maintain order and security in their country.", "they demanded that i keep my voice down and not", "argue with them or else they could lock me up and", "torture me behind closed doors or even at the", "spot.", "finally, after 3 hours of waiting at the airport,", "i hear someone calls for my name, i walk across", "to the officer calling, i ask him, \"did you call", "for my name?\", he goes like \"wait, you are", "mowilliams0?\". okay as a side note to the story,", "i dont look like am old enough but i am a", "baby-faced guy. so back to the story. i tell him", "\"yeah, what happened?\". the officer then gives me", "a small piece of paper probably cut from an a4", "using a ruler, with my name, airport name,", "location and date of reporting to the secret", "service headquarters the next thursday. now", "having a very tight schedule, since am travelling", "on short break from work, all my days were", "sceduled and timed perfectly as to not waste any", "time at that country (which am visiting for the", "first time). i remembered that on the next", "thursday i am going to be sleeping more than 6", "hours away from the city which i was supposed to", "report to and i wouldn't be back before saturday.", "so i ask the officer to resechdule my appointment", "with the secret services which to i got a stare", "down and told me to attend on time and left. i", "then run after him, asking for my passport which", "was held with them. he told me \" you will take it", "from our hq on thursday when you come\"; so i ask", "him how am i supposed to leave this airport", "through passport control without an actual", "passport. he tells me to just walk through. so i", "do as he told me, i walk through one unattended", "security check. i hear one guy yelling at me so i", "show him the small paper i received from the", "officer and he nods and lets me through.", "so the guys are outside waiting for me, i was", "there for more than 3 hours and they have been", "waiting long enough for them to just leave me", "there. i find out that none of them went back", "home to make sure that i was okay and not", "tortured or beaten down. mockingly, they all jump", "on top of me like i just landed back from the", "moon, and though the stares of all arrivals i", "felt like an important person for once in my", "life. we go back home, eat something, i tell them", "what happened and we agree to go next day in the", "morning to try to rescedule this appointment with", "the secret services. so next day, we head there", "to the hq, and i walk out to their outpost to", "guys carrying big guns, ask around for customer", "service, they laughed at me and they told me to", "get my ass in line for security check. i told", "them that i was not there to go inside, atleast", "not yet, my appointment is in 3 days and i need", "to change it. so no one was providing me any", "help. then i see one civilian, with a gun on his", "wait, with everyone kissing up to him, so i", "figured this guy is the shit, i better talk to", "him and explain my case. so i did, and he just", "laughs as the rest of them, he then tells me to", "go enjoy my time and to come back on sunday when", "am back from my trip from that far city. so i", "felt surprised, despite all the talk that i", "received from my friends and family friends on", "the secret services and how intimidating they", "are, and how bad they abuse their power, it was", "very simple just postponing my appointment. so i", "ask the big shit guy, \"are you sure, i wont see", "you down in that city thursday afternoon locking", "me in handcuffs after not showing up?\". he laughs", "again, asks me to enjoy my time and come back to", "the hq when am back here in the city.", "fast forwards to sunday, i am back, i decide to", "go finish my appointment so that i can have my", "passport back and see what has been the issue at", "the airport. i went to the hq, as advised by my", "friends, came early at 9am, left all my belonging", "outside except for that paper they gave at the", "airport and my id. so my friends drops me exactly", "the door and i open the door wanting to get out,", "and these 2 soldiers just block the way of the", "door, asks me to stay in the car. i ask them what", "the issue was, since i had an appointment. they", "told me for security reasons, no cars are allowed", "to stop infront of the entrance of the secret", "services hq. later i googled and found out that", "they have had some terrorists attacks from isis", "in the north which has caused huge security", "tightening up with their procedures. so we stop", "the car further at a distance and i walk towards", "the hq and i stand in line like the rest of the", "poor poeople waiting in miserble faces showing", "agony and pain. so my turns comes up and i go for", "the first of what happened to be 10 security", "gates filtration and entrance process. i get", "searched through a hand held scanner and", "manually. then i get placed on a all shaded dark", "tinted window buses with curtains and where asked", "not to peak out the windows. we get squeezed into", "it moving to the next security station. we get", "down get into 3 difference scanning devices (all", "i have seen before except one where you are", "required to stand like a rocket-man with your", "hand up like you are surrendering and 2 scanners", "rotate around you). so we finished these 3", "scanning manchines and we walk into lockers to", "place out things, since i had no stuff to put in", "the locker i was handed a pink paper was told to", "just move to the next room. next room, was a big", "waiting silent room with alot of chairs where", "people would stay there waitin for the next set", "of busses to take us to the next station. i look", "around and i see alot of people of different", "shapes, sizes, genders each hold one of 3 color", "papers, blue, green and pink. while staring", "around i caught eyes with the guy beside me, so", "being the nice guy i am, i decide to open a", "conversation and know his story. he asked me what", "brought me there, so i told him about the airport", "incident. i ask him the same, and he tells me he", "is a teacher in the west bank, and he was just", "dropping his sister to jordan where they", "confiscated his passport and asked him to come to", "hq for appointment/questioning. in the middle of", "the talk, we talked about prisons in israel,", "education system..etc; the secret services", "officers asks people of different color", "categories to get in the bus to move to the next", "station and so we did.", "moving into the third checkpoint, we get down", "from the bus, i see a big 3 story building", "covering a huge landscape. so i figured out that", "we have arrived at the hq. during all this time,", "i would just be following the people there, since", "most of them seemed to have more experience and", "have came to hq very frequently so i used to be", "mostly in the end to the last of the line. i go", "for the third stop of security scanning and we", "were given numbers and asked to stay in one hall", "and wait. this room contained fewer chair than", "capacity, and it was over crowded with people", "standing, sitting, walking around and squeeking", "chairs. suddenly the speak in the room which i", "have noticed when i came in calls in people from", "number 1-100 to go upstairs to the next stage.", "everybody starts running upstairs, and an amateur", "in-experienced person like myself realises that", "we're all up to something and so i copy them. we", "then go upstairs to smaller rooms that are ven", "smaller than the one we were in. since the rooms", "were even smaller, we had to split into different", "small rooms randomly. that's when i realized that", "me and my teacher friend split ways, each for us", "to get brutalized with our own destiny. i sat", "with a random group of people in one of those", "rooms, waiting for the speak to call for my", "number. as each number was being called, the guy", "would stand up, and everyone would look at him,", "giving him the farewell teary eyes. at that lucky", "moment, my bladder decides that it is time to", "pee. i go outside the room, only to be told to", "get back inside by the officer who realised it", "wasn't my number. i argued the officer for", "sometime and so unwillingly he had to let me just", "to get rid of me. i came back to the room after", "having done my business and i couldn't tell if my", "number had come up since there are no speakers", "outside the rooms. i sat there and waiting, and", "20 mins laters my number comes up. i stood up,", "gave sad looks to everyone and went out the room.", "i saw a short skinny man carrying a gun asking me", "if i was mowilliams0; i nodded. he asked me to", "follow him. he takes me to a small tiny room with", "only a desk and a fan and 2 chairs. i saw across", "him while he sat on the desk filling out a paper", "he grabbed from the general officer's office. he", "wrote in all my personal details and start", "questioning me all kind of questions about my", "past. his questions included, my purpose coming", "to this country, have i ever went to these", "countries, what does my dad and uncle work, when", "was the last time i went back to my home country,", "my address in all countries that i live in..etc.", "all kind of questions indicated that he suspected", "me for some terrorist since my name is very", "common.", "after 30 mins of questions, he throws away my", "passport on the table and says \"sorry, we thought", "you were someone else\". he then asks me to leave", "and handed me a small paper with tag \"exit", "permitted\" and asked me to wait for the bus to", "drop me back. i entered that room to see my", "teacher friend whom welcomed me and told me how", "was my first experience with the secret services", "as i should get used to such formalities. we", "talked for sometime about things in the west", "bank, israel prisons, as he was locked up for 1", "year there because he was in a protest once.", "anyways, the bus came, we went back to 2nd stop", "where we would take our stuff from the locker and", "then we were told to walk down hill as there are", "no buses taking us to the first station where the", "exit is. as i was walking downhill, i saw an old", "man with white facial hair all over and thought", "to myself, poor guy, probably came like me for", "silly reasons or common names or whatever, they", "should atleast consider his age and give him a", "break. i approach this old man in order to know", "what's his story, so i ask him why is he here. he", "tells me that he was caught in his house with a", "gun. as known possession of guns is not allowed", "in this country unless you're in army/high rank", "officer or a politician where you can do whatever", "you want. so i told him \"were you using it for", "self defense, since things here aren't always", "stable and robberies might occur?\"... he answer", "me \"no my son, i am usually trading & selling", "guns and at the time someone snitched on me and i", "was in possesion of 5 guns.\" i get shocked since", "his looks does not given any indication of drugs", "arm seller as he looks too old and barely", "walking. i smile and slowly walk away from him,", "heading towards the exit at the first station, i", "ain't ready to go back inside homie, i have", "already been here for long 7 hours get me the", "hell out." ]

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[ "(insert obligatory \"this wasn't today this was a", "few months back\" sentence here)", "back in 8th grade, 4 years ago, my cousin bob and", "his friend joe joined up with me in a band. it", "was mostly for fun as we never got much done", "aside from covering a few popular songs. we", "weren't the best cover band ever, but we weren't", "the worst either, just your average", "run-of-the-mill teenage musical act.", "we started by rehearsing at bob's house because", "he lived close to everyone. the space was small;", "we barely had enough space to move and joe had to", "use an electric drum (which he despised), but we", "didn't mind as we still got to play.", "as none of us has a passable singing talent, we", "decided to invite my friend sarah in the band,", "who has an amazing voice. the problem was that", "bob's house was too far for her to get there, so", "we had to setup camp elsewhere if we wanted a", "singer.", "joe then announced that his parents would let him", "use the empty house they were working on, so we", "would have more space, sarah could come over and", "he would also get to use his acoustic drum set.", "we moved the small amount of gear we had 4 months", "later, in december of 2016, and that is where the", "fuck-up happened.", "my cousin, bob, decided to invite our adhd", "friend, jack, who was dating sarah at the time,", "to come watch us play at joe's house. the problem", "was, he didn't tell anyone: neither joe, me,", "sarah, nor joe's mom was aware that he was coming", "over.", "jack was the kind of friend that you love but", "your parents hate. he wasn't very bright, his", "grades weren't the best, but he was really great", "to hang out with. the only downside is that his", "parents were extremely \"alt-right\", even though", "we live in france. he also had a license-free", "car, a plastic can of doom which barely held", "together and had an epilepsy fit each time", "someone started the motor. we thought it was", "awesome, but my parents thought it was crazy and", "made me swear to never get in that car.", "so jack came over in his car, and after a few", "minutes of chat, sarah texted me to come pick her", "up at the underground station nearby. jack then", "offered me a ride in his car, and not thinking", "enough as it is customary when you are 15, i", "accepted.", "we picked up sarah, who had to get in the trunk", "as jack's car only had two seats. we then started", "goofing around in his car (music turned all the", "way up, yelling... regular irresponsible teenage", "doings) when a huge suv comes down on us right as", "we get to joe's house. jack swerves to avoid it", "and parks the plastic nightmare. we get out the", "car, open the trunk to let sarah out, and then we", "see joe's mom storming towards us, furious.", "— who was driving? tell me who was driving!", "jack came forward and said it was him.", "— who even are you?! i don't know you! i almost", "crushed you! you could all have died!", "she then started grilling him for being", "irresponsible and said she was going to call his", "parents. jack pleaded her not to call his", "parents, said he will leave, anything but call", "his parents.", "bob came forward too, saying he invited him and", "that he is responsible if we had an accident. joe", "and sarah just looked down at the floor,", "embarassed.", "joe's mom then told us to get inside and play", "some songs while she called our parents to come", "pick us up. predictably, everyone's morale was", "pretty low and no one was actually in the mood to", "play anything. jack came with us in the empty", "house.", "we all sat down on the floor and jack said he was", "sorry if anything happened to us, if our parents", "grounded us or something in the like. i said it", "was okay, and that we should just be grateful we", "didn't die. joe, bob, sarah, me and jack layed", "there on the floor conforting each other and", "gradually bringing morale up. i eventually picked", "up my guitar, strummed a few chords, and everyone", "slowly joined me from there. joe's mom then came", "in, saying everything would be fine, that she", "called my parents and bob and sarah's, but that", "she told then not to ground us as jack was", "responsible for everything.", "my dad arrived 2 hours later and said he would", "bring me and sarah home. we put our gear in his", "car and we had a silent trip to sarah's house,", "then to mine.", "i then made the error of assuming that my parents", "had listened to joe's mom. as i came in my house", "and sat for dinner, my parents started grilling", "me for not being responsible and climbing in", "jack's car. after 30 minutes of yelling, it was", "decided that i was grounded until further notice.", "i thus had to cancel all my plans, as vacation", "was coming soon and partied were to be had.", "saddened, i then went upstairs to my room and", "asked sarah, bob and jack if they got grounded. i", "then recieved an unanimous answer of \"no haha\".", "not even jack was grounded, he was just not", "allowed to give me a ride anymore.", "and that, reddit, is how i fucked up by getting", "in my adhd friend's car.", "[" ]

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[ "didn't happen today, but was a few years ago.", "my stag night was perhaps one of the best nights", "i've ever had. sadly it was followed by the", "absolute worst day of my life to date.", "after almost a day of partying, drunken golf,", "impromptu onesie raves and god knows what else, i", "make it home and collapse into bed. mission", "accomplished, go me! i survived.", "several hours later i wake up, with a monumental", "hangover, in fact i'm fairly certain i was still", "pretty drunk at the time. my first thought is to", "go get a nice drink of water, but i am stopped by", "the absolute worst taste in my mouth. probably", "some sort of aftertaste from a weird cocktail,", "who knows. so i decided to go and brush my teeth.", "i go to the bathroom, grab the toothpaste, put a", "healthy dose on the toothbrush and start", "scrubbing. this is where it all went horribly", "wrong.", "in my drunken/hungover state, i had not checked", "the tube of toothpaste. what i thought was", "toothpaste, was in fact a tube of deep heat", "muscle cream, and i had just put the mother of", "all loads of it onto the brush and into my mouth.", "i was a little concerned that the toothpaste", "tasted a bit odd to begin with, but merely", "assumed that it was a new flavour. a minute", "later, when my mouth was a burning pit of", "hellfire, i knew i'd fucked up majorly. not only", "that, but i had swallowed a bit of it and my", "insides were starting to feel like i'd down ten", "litres of the world's hottest chilli sauce.", "alerted to my screams, my wife (now ex-wife but", "that's a story for another day) runs in to the", "bathroom and see's me rolling on the floor,", "clutching at my face and neck as i gurgle", "incomprehensively. she quickly realises what has", "happened and calls the poisons hotline.", "do you know how many people had called in with", "this scenario before?", "zero.", "apparently *nobody* had ever mistakenly used deep", "heat for toothpaste before (funny that). the lady", "on the other end of the line actually found it", "very amusing, but to her credit she still", "conducted herself very professionally and i was", "soon whisked away in an ambulance.", "48 hours later, after stomach pumping, laughing", "doctors (they were in tears!) and nurses, i was", "at last home again. there were now labels in our", "bathroom because i could not be trusted to not", "poison myself again. i am an idiot." ]

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[ "early apologies for any spelling mistakes, i am", "typing with only one hand as this happened today.", "i'm a groundskeeper. i was in the back of my", "coworker's jeep as she drove us to a site we work", "at once a week. her jeep (don't know model or", "year) only has two doors, and the seats don't", "fold forward very well, so i had less than two", "feet of room, max, to squeeze out. and she had", "big tires. and it was a jeep. i got my top half", "out, looked down, and thought \"i can make that", "jump.\"", "i did not make that jump.", "i faceplanted the concrete. i didn't hit my head", "(thank god) but my right arm and left knee got", "scraped something good. my coworkers helped me up", "and, after i assured them i was fine, had to", "leave because i guess they felt bad for laughing", "at my misery. after a few minutes of sitting, i", "was feeling better. scrapes weren't bleeding that", "badly and the sting was going. i thought i would", "be ready to get back to work.", "i was not ready to get back to work.", "my left arm was starting to hurt. badly. it", "started at the elbow nut the pain was spreading", "through my arm. ironically, i work for a", "hospital, so our supervisor had to drive me back.", "he dropped me off at emergency and, 1 x-ray, 1 ct", "scan, not enough painkillers and 7 hours of", "waiting later, i found out the radial head in my", "left arm was fractured, and if i don't get", "surgery done, i run the risk of developing early", "arthritis in my elbow as it likely won't heal", "properly. or, as my doctor put it, \"that's", "totally fucked\".", "as i type this, i realize how all if this could", "have been prevented if i just lifted my god damn", "feet." ]

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[ "obligatory this happened last year.", "at my school, we had these top-of-the-line", "calculators for the accelerated math (amp) kids.", "they could graph, use letters, do all sorts of", "trigonometry operations, and all the like. the", "important thing here is that they can type", "letters. so me, being in accelerated math all", "high and mighty, needed one of these calculators", "for an assignment. of course, i got it and began", "to use it as intended. the fu comes now. so i was", "and still am a despicable edgelord. hitler was", "comedy gold, and a friend in amp was also a dank", "dorito. bright idea: why don't i put \"jews are", "vermin\" in the calculator? i did, of course and", "decided to show it to my friend. we laughed, i", "put back the calculator. all was well, except i", "didn't clear the calculator. the next day,", "another kid grabbed it and instantly saw \"jews", "are vermin\". they reported it to the teacher, and", "of course i got in massive trouble. my parents", "were really angry, i was kicked out of", "accelerated math, and the principal gave a speech", "to all the grade 8 classes about anti-semmetism." ]

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[ "i work in a coffee shop and it's part of my job to", "remember my customers, their names and their", "orders. i have a regular customer who comes in", "probably once a week. she is around 35 years old,", "and has very very red hair, and her name is", "ginger.", "i was working my shift and a woman walked in with", "the same color hair, but i didn't see her face,", "and so i yelled over to greet her thinking it was", "my regular. i shouted, \"hey, whats up, ginger?\"", "she turned around right away and you could just", "see how furious she was. before i had any time to", "explain my mistake, the lady screamed \"fuck", "off!\", flipped me the bird and left the shop,", "slamming the door behind her.", "another customer in the store looked and me and", "said, \"you're an asshole.\" and he left too.", "my manager only witnessed the people telling me", "how much of a piece of shit i was and assumed i", "was at fault. i was given a formal warning about", "my job that will permanently be on file.", "[" ]

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[ "(this story happened to me not today, but last", "summer. i'm also french, so pardon my english)", "last summer, the weekend (saturday) before the", "final exam week and 2-3 weeks before going to", "america visiting my girlfriend, i fell off my", "bike. like stupidly (\"ohhh, it looks weird, let's", "turn right and left very quickly and see what's", "happening\") and badly (chin first, blood in my", "mouth and spit some of my teeth).", "obviously i got help right away, people called an", "ambulance and they took me to the hospital. at", "some point i could not bent my left arm (elbow", "issue) nor use my right hand (wrist was killing", "me), and my mouth felt weird. once in the", "hospital, i wanted it to be fast because my dad's", "family was visiting me for the day and they lived", "pretty far away. i got 5 stitches on the chin,", "passed an elbow radio and checked out before", "doing anything else.", "once in town, we got a late lunch with my family", "and just by chewing on à french fry i heard that", "awful noise coming from my jaw and the pain was", "intense. of course, all badass i am, i didn't", "want anything to do with the hospital anymore, so", "i sat on it and went home for the day.", "next morning (sunday), after calling my mom", "(always listen to your mom kids), i went back to", "the hospital for more radios (the pain was still", "here, and i felt that something was wrong) and", "got rejected (i'm not a emergency anymore since i", "went home, right?). i had to head to a private", "hospital to do some more exams, and guess what!", "jaw broken in 3 locations, emergency surgery", "needed and all the exams / graduation /", "girlfriend trip might need to be aborted.", "i got surgery monday morning, exited the hospital", "(after doctor approval) tuesday morning, went", "back to school wednesday (didn't want to catch up", "in september..) and managed to go to america see", "my girlfriend. the 2 titanium plates in my jaw", "are still here, and the 4 screws to keep it in", "place are long gone now.", "i was 24 at the time, my jaw cracks some time to", "time now, but only when i yawn. teeth are fine", "and girlfriend is happy ☺️" ]

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[ "so this happened a few years ago and i haven't", "told a soul because i was so stupid and soooo", "lucky.", "my family has a cabin up in the middle of nowhere", "and we run our stove and fridge off of a 100lb", "propane tank.", "i worked at a gas station that refilled propane", "tanks and i was certificate for it so i knew a", "little bit more than the average person. and the", "tank we had at our cabin was ancient. it was well", "past it's expiry date and had an old style valve", "on it that doesn't automatically stop when it's", "full (only 80% of its total volume). but it's the", "cabin and nothing up to code.", "we needed more propane so me, my dad, my husband,", "and my sister all piled into the truck and", "started the 1 hour drive to the gas station. one", "of us had to sit in the bed of the truck to keep", "the tank from rolling around because the canopy", "was too low to allow the tank to sit upright", "(like it's supposed to).", "we get to the gas station and i am immediately", "glued to my phone because i finally had a signal.", "before i know it the tank is full and it's time", "to go back but i draw the short straw and have to", "sit in the back with the tank.", "so we are driving down the highway and i start", "craving a cigarette. i haven't had one in quite a", "while and i know i shouldn't, but the propane is", "safely away in the tank and i'm all alone so....", "sure why not?", "i prop the back window of the canopy up and light", "up. but now that the air was moving around i", "could smell propane. my nicotine addiction says", "\"no, it's just how the tank smells\" so i take a", "few more puffs. the smell was getting stronger.", "\"but you can't just throw your smoke out the", "window, it could start a wildfire\" hmmm, maybe i", "should just ash it out on the truck bed. \"but", "you're going to waste half a cigarette!\"", "reason finally prevailed about mid smoke (when", "the nicotine was happily flowing) and i butt it", "out and throw it away. the propane smell was", "starting to get overwhelming and i couldn't wait", "to get out of the truck.", "when we get to the cabin my dad pulls the tank", "out and holy crap! there is a steady stream of", "liquid propane spewing from its pressure relief", "valve. the tank was overfilled and the extra heat", "in the back of the truck caused the liquid to", "expand and the relief valve to open.", "and i was sitting next to it, in an enclosed", "area, with a lit cigarette. omfg i almost blew up", "my family. i feel the blood drain from my face.", "when propane ignites it violently explodes and a", "full 100lb tank can hold about 100 litres (about", "26 gallons) of propane. that is enough to reduce", "us to a hole in the ground. i know this, why did", "i do it? nicotine of course!" ]

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[ "so i was hungry before starting work and decided", "to put a quick frozen pizza in the oven. upon", "hearing the bleep of the oven i reach in to take", "it out and it's stuck. fantastic. now bear in", "mind i didn't use a baking tray so it's stuck on", "the metal rack. i grab a tea towel and push from", "underneath the pizza to release it from metal", "rack thing. i had my arm at a shitty angle and i", "burnt my risk. oh well, small burn no biggie. i", "reach in once more and finally release the damn", "pizza.", "later on at work i see the burn has blistered.", "great.", "next day i see the blister popped so it is loose", "skin covering the burn.", "cut to me fighting with my brother today where", "this loose skin rips off. fantastic. now i have", "an area on my arm with a layer of skin missing.", "edit: [picture](https://imgur.com/gallery/hi1fh)" ]

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[ "well let me begin this shit storm of a story by", "saying this happened a few years back in my", "college days; i don't do drugs or alcohol", "anymore, which is probably for the better. this", "story is too retarded to make up. so enjoy.", "it all started when i flew down to athens, ga to", "visit some friends and family. my friends thought", "it would be a great idea to buy a few xanax", "before we head to the party (we never made it to", "said party). so me being the mad lad i am took 2", "xanax bars, and the rest of the night was a", "retarded blur that took me a solid month to piece", "back together like a jigsaw puzzle.", "i checked my bank records: i spent $100 at", "buffalo wild wings, and 60 bucks on an uber,", "which im assuming was to and from the restaraunt.", "i ended up dropping my phone and breaking the", "screen/lcd- i walked to wal-mart and an easy $300", "dollars later my phone was fixed. but i wish it", "was that easy. the phone took an hour to fix so i", "thought it would be a good idea to do some", "quality control on a wal-mart leather couch and", "take a nap... i was abruptly woken up by a", "manager and a cop, who asked for my id and if i", "had driven here. the cop told me to leave", "immediately or he was going to arrest me. i", "stumble out of wal-mart with my new phone and a", "case for it.", "i made to back to buffalo wild wings to find my 2", "friends who were still at buffalo wild wings. we", "go back to friend #1's house. for some reason i", "asked to borrow his roommates new iphone, and i", "dropped it off a second story balcony. i had 1000", "dollars in my wallet at the time, and i gave my", "friend's roommate 400 bucks to go get it fixed.", "the sloppy xanax confidence kicked in and i tried", "sliding in my ex girlfriend's dms. idk what i", "said to her, but i was effectively blocked on all", "social media.", "i uberr out of there shortly after, and head to", "my relative's house to go to sleep, which was a", "terrible idea because at this point i was at full", "retard; never go full retard. my relatives", "immediately knew i was messed up, and they let", "me sleep there the night but kicked me out asap", "in the morning and told my parents.", "my parents did not trust me for a solid year", "after that happened. that night was probably the", "biggest l i've taken in my 26 years of being", "alive on this plannet. i hope you enjoyed reading", "about it." ]

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[ "my life is full of fuck ups so i figure i would", "post another one on here. obligatory this", "happened ten years ago when i was in high school.", "i've had a problem with chronic migraines my", "entire life and occasionally before school i", "would take a dose of fioricet (basically a pain", "killer with caffeine used for migraines) and head", "to school pain free. i was up all night playing", "ps3 and only got a few hours of sleep before my", "alarm went off. my head was throbbing so i took", "my meds and drove to class. the teacher started", "her lesson when i realized i left my textbook in", "my car. i excused myself and walked towards my", "vehicle, and grabbed my book.", "next thing i remember is waking up in the middle", "of the front office handcuffed to a chair.", "belligerently mumbling and trying to rip myself", "out of the chair. i thought the security guard", "was attacking me and i began to scream and kick", "my feet at him. he started yelling in my ear", "\"what did you take, what drugs are you on?!. all", "i remember is yelling \"fuck you, get me out of", "this fucking chair\". i stood up dragging the", "chair behind me as i tried to leave out the front", "door of the office. he grabbed me and stuck me in", "the principals office and stood in front of the", "door. they went out and started searching my car", "for drugs. he came in with my pipe and put it on", "the desk. an ambulance got called and they drove", "me to the hospital to have my stomach pumped.", "fast forward to the hospital, they got me in the", "bed and have hooked up a bag of saline to flush", "the drugs out of my system. out of no where i", "snapped back into reality. i started asking why", "the hell i was at the hospital when my mom showed", "up with a couple pill bottles. she counted them", "out and they realized that i had taken an ambien", "in my sleepy stupor instead of my migraine", "medicine. the ambien kicked in at the exact time", "i had grabbed my books.", "next day at school, i was called into the", "principals office to discuss the incident. i was", "fully ready to be expelled but he was really cool", "about it. the conversation went like this", "\"i'm just happy your alive, i have never seen", "someone try to fight a security guard. you know", "we found you standing in the middle of the", "parking lot with your book in your hand just", "staring at your car\"", "all i had to do was write a written apology to", "the security guard. he laughed about it and every", "time he saw me he'd be like \"woah watch out man,", "don't kick me alright?!\"" ]

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[ "about a week ago, i bought a water flosser so i", "could be better about oral hygiene. it arrived, i", "set it up, i tried it out, i loved it. i set all", "the different attachments into the case that came", "with it, and realized that one of them, a rather", "large, purple one, wouldn't fit in the case. this", "attachment, according to the included user", "manual, was meant to clean your nose. \"huh,\" i", "said, as i set it atop the case. \"that sounds", "interesting and not at all sinus destroying.\"", "today, after using the restroom, my eyes fell on", "the nose cleaning attachment and curiosity got", "the better of me. i stuck it on the end of the", "device, put it to my nostril, and turned it on.", "at first, nothing. then sinus pressure and", "burning pain. if you've ever jumped into a pool", "and had the water shoot straight up your nose", "into your sinus, you know exactly what i was", "feeling, except that that pressure shooting the", "water there never went away, and i knew that i", "was purposefully doing this to myself, which made", "the pain even worse. i shut the damn thing off", "and let the water drip from my nose. it's been 10", "minutes and my sinus still hurts. i suppose, at", "least, it also feels very clean, so at least", "there's that." ]

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[ "so as with many tifus this didn't happen today,", "but happened approximately 11 months ago.", "my wife and i had just bought our first house,", "and we were moving stuff out of our apartment.", "we tried to get a rental truck, but they would", "have charged us extra days since we were moving", "over the weekend, and they were closed on sunday", "so we decided to just borrow my parents mini van", "and move everything ourselves.", "we had already taken several trips moving", "bookcases, dressers, and other large and unwieldy", "items. one of the few things left was the", "mattress. anyone who has moved will understand", "that they are the worst. you can't ever get good", "balance since they keep shifting, they're heavy,", "and still stiff enough that moving them through", "doorways just sucks. still we were determined.", "we wrestled that thing through our bedroom and", "apartment doors. we lived in a garden level", "apartment so at least we only had to struggle it", "up a half flight of stairs. we then fought it", "into the van, pushing both it and the doors until", "it finally submitted to our will. we drive it to", "our new house, and begin the arduous task of", "hauling it back out of the van and up the stairs", "to the second floor. at long last we wrestled it", "up there and dropped it flat on the floor.", "now at this point i'm hot, i'm tired, and i'm", "ready to be done. here is where the fu comes in.", "i think a large majority of people have had the", "urge to kick things. usually it's something", "small like a shirt you tripped over. maybe you", "kicked the tire to your car after you changed it.", "lots of people have done it. with equal parts", "frustration and victory i let that mattress have", "it, and i kicked it, my left foot striking a blow", "for justice.", "here is why this was a bad idea. i had a lot of", "force behind that kick. the mattress however was", "already against the wall, and it was heavy, which", "meant that this force had nowhere to go. my foot", "turned out to the left, and my leg twisted with", "it, causing my knee cap to pop out of it's", "regular home and onto the left side of my leg,", "until the tendon that holds it there put it back.", "it was very brief, but certainly enough for me", "to collapse on my floor in agony. i knew that", "pain as this would be the 2nd time i had done", "this. the first time was a high school judo", "class. i would spend the next several weeks", "icing my knee and limping around on a cane,", "whilst reflecting on why newton's laws of motion", "(especially the 2nd one) are important to know." ]

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[ "happened 10 minutes ago. i was waiting on the bus", "and had my backpack sitting next to me on this", "wooden bench. the bus approaches and i stand up", "to grab my backpack, but i can't because the", "strap buckle got stuck in the crack. i pull and", "pull, doesn't budge. i go from under to push it", "out.", "i start to run to the bus because i've been", "holding it up and last week this driver left", "someone because they were 10 feet away from the", "stop and she had already stopped at this red", "light. i grab my phone, backpack and boom! i slip", "and land on my knee because my headphones got", "stuck in the crack as well.", "i pick myself up and jog to the bus. my knee and", "foot are scratched up, and i can't clean it up", "until i arrive at my internship. so i'm just", "sitting on the bus with a bloody, burning knee", "and an aching ankle." ]

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[ "so this happened a couple months ago, i have this", "issue where i would run all of a sudden", "uncontrollably, i don't know what exactly causes", "this, it might be some form of excitement but i", "don't know what causes it.", "so anyway a couple months ago i was watching a", "video casually on my laptop, i don't remember", "what video i was watching at the time but all of", "a sudden it kicks in, i get up very quickly and", "start running all of a sudden with no control,", "having almost no control while running can cause", "some problems as mainly you don't know what you", "are going to run into.", "so like 2 seconds into the this and my toe hits", "the door frame, hard. i was on the floor in", "complete pain and i come into the bathroom, take", "off my sock and reveal what happened.", "my right 4th toe was bent completely out of shape", "and was in pain, i quickly called my mom to", "immediately go to the doctors office, while", "waiting i sent her the picture of my broken toe", "to add more information, told my autistic brother", "to turn off the speakers on the pc so then i", "could get my headphones out and try finding an", "asmr video to relieve the pain, nothing worked", "and i was just laying on the couch in pain.", "so my mom quickly comes home and takes me to the", "doctors office to get it checked out and the", "first one we went to, they were unable to treat", "this kind of injury and not to mention that the", "xray was closed there today.", "so we have to go to the er and on the way got", "some taco bell, so i get there and i am in the", "waiting room waiting for the next one, the time", "comes and i am in the clinic, so first i get the", "xray scan and i am told to sit outside after to", "wait for the treatment, treatment comes and he", "has to pull it back in place, a couple seconds of", "pain later and i have bandages and everything.", "i check out the xray scan and the toe was", "completely dislodged and broken." ]

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[ "so a few days ago when i found out that futurama", "was going to be taken off netflix, i decides to", "watch as many as i can before it goes. this story", "takes place yesterday when i was trying​ to watch", "it. i wanted to watch another episode so i", "plugged in my phone, got a can of carbonated", "water (out of soda), and started the episode.", "about only 5 minutes in is where it all went to", "shit. my phone bussed so i decided to check it if", "it was a text or something, after i picked up my", "phone i felt something tug on the cord and looked", "to see what it was. i realized that i had pulled", "the soda can over with the cord, spilling it", "everywhere. i picked the soda back up, but it was", "too late, the water was everywhere. now this", "wouldn't have been that bad if it was just a", "spill, but then i noticed that the water was", "going​ straight to the outlet where my phone was", "plugged into, an outlet on the floor. i jumped up", "from where i was sitting and unplugged the", "charger as fast as i could, but then i had to", "watch helplessly as the water funneled into the", "outlet. after that i had no idea what to do since", "the water already started draining into it, so i", "just ran to the kitchen to get paper towels and", "started trying to mop up as much water as i", "could. once the outlet was dry i sat back down,", "relieved, thinking it was over. it was not. the", "outlet started sparking and crackling. about five", "seconds after that, plumes of smoke came out of", "it and then everything in the room shut off,", "including the wifi and internet. i later found", "out that the water caused a fuse to break in the", "basement and that it shut off every other outlet", "in the room, that means that if we want anything", "in this room plugged in now, we have to connect", "it to a huge extension cord that goes to a", "different room." ]

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[ "like most tifu's this didn't happen today but a", "few years (10+) ago.", "so how does this all happen you may ask; well i'd", "just spent a few hours down at the beach here in", "the uk on a sunny day (yes we do get them).", "anyway we were flying kites and generally having", "what any young person does, anyway me and my", "brother were riding home from the beach and i", "decide as we are getting back onto the campsite", "that i'd let the kite out a bit as what's the", "worst that could happen, i should also mention", "that the handle and wire was wrapped around my", "handlebar. my brother who has had his fair share", "of fu's said that i shouldn't do that as i'll", "only end up hurting myself.", "my reply \"do i look like i'd let it out that far", "so as to cause an issue\" and with that i turned", "down a different access road to get to the", "caravan forgetting that it was the wrong road.", "little do i know that the line that the kite is", "on is slowly unwinding and extending out the back", "making the kite go further and further up into", "the air without me realising i might add as i was", "too focused on the road ahead. i then look behind", "me and see the kite is now spinning in an", "infinity pattern behind me. i turn my head to hit", "the brake on my handlebar but before i can the", "kite decides to wrap it's self around the guide", "wire for an awning to another person's caravan.", "at this point all i know is what i was told by", "the caravan owners, and that is that the kite", "pulled tight and the wire pulled my handlebar 90", "degrees to the right and i went over the", "handlebars with the wire and handle cutting my", "face open as it flew off. i then got up and", "walked my broken face over to their caravan and", "asked for help. they said, \"head to your caravan", "you'll need some help\" handing me some kitchen", "roll for my face. i was confused by this and went", "on my way. got back to caravan and said to my mum", "and dad that i'd had an accident, mum looks and", "screams then passed out, dad said \"i'd better get", "you too a hospital\", so off we go to hospital,", "found out i'd cut it so deep i could see the", "muscle and tendons. ended up with butterfly", "stitches for like 2 weeks whilst it healed" ]

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[ "when i was around 9 or 10 years old my parents", "noticed i was falling way off the growth charts.", "i was diagnosed with idiopathic growth hormone", "deficiency - meaning my body doesn't make growth", "hormone on it's own. it's 100% treatable, i just", "had to inject myself with growth hormone each", "night before bed.", "when i was 12 (6th grade) i starting dating this", "girl who was literally obsessed with all the", "short guys in our grade, along with some her", "friends. like they would do stupid middle school", "girl things to flirt with them like throw things", "at them during lunch. i was about 4'7\"-4'8\" at", "that time which was on the shorter side, but was", "always jealous of the attention those guys got.", "so 12-year-old me having absolutely no", "understanding of the long-term implications", "decided to stop taking my shots at night. i", "wanted to be on the same level as these guys in", "terms of shortness. by this point i had been", "giving myself the shot for a few months already,", "so my parents were rarely there when i did it. so", "i started shooting them down the sink. it's not a", "lot of liquid at all so it was easy. the handful", "of times my parents were there i did have to take", "the shot, but this wasn't often.", "anyway, it worked. by the end of 8th grade i was", "4'9\" - so i only grew 1-2 inches from when i", "started doing this 2 years earlier. my parents", "and the doctor never figured it out. i remember", "thinking i was so slick for pulling this off.", "fyi, i had no idea how badly i had fucked up at", "the time. i likely missed 2 very important years", "of growth/puberty by doing this. i only grew", "another 3-4 inches before my growth plates fully", "closed the following year and ended up topping", "out at exactly 5'1\".", "i'm 23 years old now and there is literally", "nothing good about being this short as an adult", "guy. the worst part, especially now in the", "workplace, is that it's always the first thing", "people notice about me. it is literally", "impossible for me to command respect in the same", "way that the average man does and people just", "don't take me seriously in general. i'm a", "business major and trying to network at events", "and find a good job/career is honestly 10x harder", "when you're this short. it shouldn't be like that", "but it is.", "considering i'd likely be around 5'8\"-5'9\" if", "this never happened, this was a pretty big", "fuckup." ]

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[ "dragged myself into work (sales coordinator at a", "hotel) this morning, groggy as all hell. about", "once a week this old lady calls to check on all", "the reservations for her family reunion. it's", "been 10 reservations for the past three months,", "except for last week, when a guest booked an", "extra room with me.", "quite unfortunately this guest's last name is", "manson.", "do i need to say more?", "\"has anyone else booked for the family reunion?\"", "*not looking st the reservation, just going off", "memory* \"yes charles manson called last week to", "book another room. you have 11 now.\"", "\"who?\"", "*i just realized my mistake* \"uh manson?\"", "i furiously clicked around until i found the", "block and gave her the correct name.", "i really hope she thought she heard wrong because", "her tv was turned up so loudly." ]

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[ "this just happened, but here's some backstory:", "on mother's day, we went to my brother's​ place", "up in the mountains, and his dog and ours went", "running through the woods.", "later, i pointed out a bug crawling across the", "floor.", "\"oh, gross. a tick.\" my nephew says, before", "smashing it into oblivion.", "\"yeah, you might want to check your dog when you", "get home. they're likely the ones who brought", "them in.\"", "so we get home and scour our girl for ticks,", "because one of those little shits is the last", "thing we want. but dammit, dogs have a lot of", "fur! how the hell am i supposed to find one, even", "if it's there?", "so we called it good, and figured if one shows", "up, we'll notice.", "fast forward to today.", "as we were getting in bed for the night, i", "noticed she was licking a spot just inside her", "hind leg. also, she had seemed more lethargic", "than usual lately.", "i thought, 'maybe we should do another tick", "check, just in case.'", "our room is kinda dark, so i turn on the", "flashlight on my phone, and have her roll over so", "i can check the spot she was licking. sure", "enough, i see this little black fucker attached", "her belly.", "fuck.", "i run into the bathroom and grab the tweezers. i", "go back to her, hold her down, and try as i might", "to pinch that bitch off.", "but, shit! it's embedded deep!", "and my poor girl is yelling and crying and", "wriggling like crazy!", "this sucks!", "so i get her up on the bed and turn on the", "overhead light so i can see it better.", "that's when i notice another tick.\n\nfuck!", "and another!\n\nand...another...", "...and they're all lined up...", "that's when i realize, they weren't ticks.", "they are her nipples.\n\nfuck.", "good thing dogs are forgiving.\n\nsorry girl.", "edit: to clarify, her nipple is fine, albeit", "mildly tweaked.", "also, i forgot to address the lethargy comment.", "she's getting older, and my wife and i started", "running outside again for the summer. i was just", "being cautious (maybe a bit too much so).", "and yes, i know i'm stupid.", "[bonus pic!] (https://i.imgur.com/ubdkh2z.jpg)" ]

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[ "it was a nice day. we were on our way to nelsons", "ledges quarry park for the semiannual badfish 3", "day concert. i was in the backseat of the cab, my", "husband and the driver upfront. in the bed of the", "truck was our camping gear and 3 boxes of old", "books we were dropping off at the driver's mom's", "on our way through. i smoked a cigrit and moments", "after it was gone, i smelled something burning", "and said something to the two guys up front,", "\"uh...you guys, it smells like somethings on", "fire\" they were like, \"well it's not the engine", "because it smells like paper. we're good, it's", "probably just the ashtray burning...\" i sat back", "a little reassured \"ok, cool\". as i thought about", "it, though, i realized; i didn't put my cigrit", "out in the ashtray! oh no no no nooooo!! i threw", "it out the window-i turned around to look panic i", "saw what appeared to be a raging inferno and", "started screaming at the driver, \"pull over pull", "over pull tf over!!! the truck's on fire the", "truck's on fiiiiire!!!\" he slammed the brakes and", "pulled over about 50 feet from the state police", "barracks-i jump out of the truck and frantically", "started pulling boxes of burning books and our", "down feather pillow topper out of the", "back-everything was burning, even the tent!! i", "have hair down to my thighs and i distinctly", "remember disregarding the fact that i had it down", "while playing fire fighter-it was so windy the", "fight was for naught! we began throwing dirt from", "the side of the road on anything that was", "burning, which helped to put out most of the", "fires. except the pillow topper. that thing", "burned to nothing. the police showed up after", "about 5 minutes and by the time the fire truck", "came, everything was over. i remember handing our", "buddy a half burned bible from one of the boxes.", "the trooper that stayed with us was all, \"so", "uh...how do you 3 think this all started?\" i", "lowered my head about low as i could and", "admitted, \"i threw my cigrit out of the window", "just before this went down.\" the driver glared me", "down. oh, the shame!! it was as thick as the", "sickly smell of melted plastic and other toxic", "materials. i was very lucky that this trooper", "didn't charge me. i was in full festival gear! in", "a, 'stop bitching and start a revolution shirt'.", "he instead shook our hands and congratulated us", "on putting it out before it got to the gas tank.", "as shocked as we were at his leniency, we started", "packing the half charred remains of camping gear", "back in the truck as he asked, \"so are you on", "your way home then?\" my husband laughed, \"hell", "no!! we're going!!\" he's like, \"but all of your", "gear...\" the driver shrugged, \"it's badfish at", "the ledges, sir. we aren't missing it for", "anything.\" he stared at us in disbelief, tipped", "his hat and told us to \"be on our way\" and walked", "away shaking his head. i've since quit smoking.", "for safety ofcourse." ]

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[ "actually happened today!", "i'm an aff student (learning to skydive) and", "stage 8 was my morning jump. i was heaps excited,", "my free fall was pretty damn good and i passed", "it! but coming for landing i was further away", "then i wanted to be. i knew i wasn't going to", "make it over the tarmac which is hard as, well,", "tarmac. there are always planes coming and going,", "and i panicked! i didn't flare (parachute", "brakes) so instead of landing smoothly and trying", "to get off quickly, i hit the ground full speed.", "landed on my feet but quickly went down hitting", "my knees hard.", "thankfully i'm okay and nothing is broken, just a", "lot of bruising, a chunk out of one knee, and", "possibly a strained iml (knee ligament)", "my nice pants had to be cut off which is sad", "worse thing is i had one jump to go before i", "finished, and now i'm out of action for a week or", "so.", "skydiving is actually really damn safe! in the", "last 3 days over 200 jumps have happened and", "other then stepping into some holes walking back,", "i'm the only one hurt!", "panicking is what caused this it is the most", "dangerous thing you can do!" ]

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[ "obligatory actually happened about 12 years ago.", "in highschool we had a couple of classes in a", "separate building(we called them portables)", "behind the main building of the school. i had", "drivers ed with mr. so&so in portable 102 2nd", "period.", "now mr. so&so was a real hard ass of a teacher.", "he was your typical ex-marine, no bullshit, super", "serious kind of guy and was generally just feared", "by the student body.", "now my next class after driver's ed was gym which", "was on the other side of the school and with the", "traffic to get out of the portables and back into", "the school i would barely make it on time every", "day. mr. so&so's classroom however, had a back", "door that lead straight outside. so if you wanted", "to you could take a longer route around the", "portables and bypass the traffic leaving them.", "that day i decided that was what i was going to", "do.", "so the bell rings, i take off out the back door.", "i come around the side of the portables walking", "as fast as i can to beat the traffic jam of", "students trying to get back into the school.", "then smack.", "the top of my head makes firm contact with the", "corner of an air conditioning unit hanging on the", "side of the building.", "of course i immediately keeled over holding the", "top of my head.", "\"shit! fuck! god damn it!\"", "now anyone who has had a cut on their head can", "tell you they bleed, allot, and mine was no", "exception. the blood just started following like", "a river down my face and dripping onto the", "sidewalk.", "two girls who were behind me saw what happened", "and ran and got mr. so&so. by the time he came", "barreling around the corner the pool of blood was", "about a foot in diameter and getting larger by", "the second. without a word he ripped the shirt", "off of my back and used it to apply pressure to", "the bleeding. 30 seconds later he's escorting me", "through the crowded hallways towards the nurses", "office. needless to say everyone, and i mean", "everyone, just stopped in their tracks to gawk at", "the shirtless sophomore who was covered in blood.", "five staples and a massive headache later i'm", "sitting at home and from that day on i was known", "as the prime example of \"what happened is you", "pissed​ off mr. so&so.\"" ]

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[ "this happened about 5 years ago, but i remember it", "like it was today.", "well, you see, i'm a curious kind of person that", "natural selection somehow managed to pass over.", "the wife and i had gotten a new air pistol to", "plink some cans for fun. at the time of purchase,", "i was curious about how much air came out of the", "chamber when fired, and wanted to feel the force", "of air from a safe distance. my wife loaded the", "new pistol right when we got home, so my plan to", "use a new, virgin gun with no bb's was spoiled.", "but, aha! i had a fool (stop it) proof plan. i", "would empty the gun by firing it into the grass", "through a piece of paper outside, until empty,", "check chamber, fire again and again...shake..and", "again. i seriously fired it a couple dozen times", "with nothing but blanks.. no hole in paper. so, i", "proceeded to raise the gun (where things went", "wrong) and pointed it at my other hand from a few", "inches and pulled the trigger.", "i can't begin to describe the intense, agonizing,", "gut wrenching pain i instantly felt. i told my", "wife, \"don't call 911\". \"i am going to die from", "an embolism and they won't get here in time.\" i", "calmly told her my good-by as she is freaking", "out. in my mind there was no bb in the gun. not", "possible.", "there was a red mark at the base of my middle", "finger where clear plasma was oozing, but no", "blood. surely it was caused by high pressure air", "entering my blood stream. so, my curiosity was", "quenched. at the wife's urging and after a half", "hour with no death or symptoms of dying, i went", "to the er and sat for 5 hours, in intense pain. i", "had the realisation that today was not my day to", "die. i left in frustration about 6pm because it", "was so busy, and a guy with a tiny, not bleeding", "hand would can't be in much pain, and probably", "thought i was a drug seeker. that night, about", "3am, i woke up with a polish sausage of a middle", "finger. excruciating pain stopped me from", "surprising the wife with my new tool.", "time to go back to the er. i finally am seen by", "the dr. and tell him the same story i've", "unenthusiastically had to tell the other health", "care providers i had to see before him. they all", "had this smirk, and i knew what they were", "thinking, \"what a moron!\". i assured the dr there", "was no bb. he said he wanted to xray my hands for", "\"shits and giggles\". i agreed, as i wanted to", "vindicate my extreme abundance of caution,", "although still showing my lack of respect for", "pressurized air. fine. i can live with that.", "soon the xray came back, showing a bb lodged", "smack in the middle of my middle finger tendon", "sheath at the base where it met my hand. i", "remember thinking i was on some kind of prank", "show. the world was spinning, and i couldn't", "believe i had to go into emergency surgery. yeah,", "to this day that finger swells. and, yes.." ]

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[ "long time lurker, first time poster here! excuse", "my poor writing skills.", "finally summer has arrived and in my natural", "teenager state i sleep way in and only get up to", "satisfy my gnawing hunger. making some ramen in a", "plastic container, (because who wants to", "actually cook) i zone out into thought about", "upcomming events. my hunger remaining", "unsatisfied, i absent-mindedly go to make more", "ramen in the microwave, forgetting the most", "important ingredient. water. i open it up after 3", "minutes to loads of smoke, the smell of regrets,", "and charred ramen .", "to add to my misery of failing at making ramen", "of all things, i inhale too much smoke and start", "coughing badly, leaving a lingering sick feeling.", "i still have a massive headache and nausea like 7", "hours later to remind me of my stupidty. to add", "to my peril, i also managed to break the", "microwave. how??", "being an anxious mess and wondering how long", "it'll take for me to die since i inhaked smoke, i", "become jittery all day and later break down which", "only worsens the disaproval of the household.", "which makes me feel worse. fml" ]

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[ "this was a few weeks ago now. i was removing my", "nail polish at my desk, laptop in front of me,", "bottle of remover beside it. and although i'm a", "clumsy doof, i've never knocked the bottle over", "before.", "except this time i do. i accidentally backhand", "it... *away* from my laptop. had i let gravity", "take its course, i would have had some wet,", "alcohol-smelling pens.", "but nooo. i had to try and catch it.", "my hand shot out, knocked the bottle upright...", "and then it fell the other way, over my laptop", "keyboard.", "i have a bit of cloth for wiping my screen. it", "mops up all the remover i can see, but it's", "already seeped under the keys. turn off laptop", "and hope.", "that night, the keys are suuuper janky. can't", "even sign back in. next morning, i can just about", "sign back in, but keys are still hanky and i have", "to disable cmd and all the f1, f2, etc keys.", "several weeks later, keys still randomly type or", "just don't work, but it could have been a lot", "worse. i'm just glad this was *after* i finished", "my assignments!" ]

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[ "this actually happened today and i feel incredibly", "frustrated with myself, but happy that people", "helped me out.", "i have a friend who was in my school's boarding", "school (we just graduated high school). he was", "from the british virgin islands, and we have been", "planning to make a trip there. this included", "about eight friends. today was the day we were", "all going to take a charter flight.", "like a huge fucking dipshit, i forgot to pack my", "passport. my parents are divorced and i left it", "in my mom's house, while i am now in my dad's. i", "had the realization that i did not have the", "single most crucial thing on me the hour before", "the charter flight.", "i flipped the house upside down, begging that it", "was in this house. if was not. my mom had", "coincidentally just left on a plane today also. i", "had no way to enter my house. eventually between", "the combined efforts of a few family members and", "a locksmith i was able to crack open the", "apartment door, with my mom's consent to do this.", "i will join up with my friends tomorrow.", "i feel terrible that i had to worry people to", "work this out, and also that now my friend's", "family needs to worry about my arrival tomorrow,", "but it is what it is.", "(" ]

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[ "*this happened a few weeks ago* i was in a doctors", "office where my mother worked as a secretary, she", "was standing next to one of her bosses, a doctor,", "and suggesting something for my cold, i said the", "words \"that's retarded\" to one of her retarded", "suggestions not knowing that the doctor in front", "of me had a son who was retarded, who happened to", "work in the building and was not, oh i don't", "know, 20 feet from me! the doctor looked at me", "with such disgust. i forgot to mention i had no", "idea about this fuck up until i got in my mothers", "car later that day and she started to flip out on", "me.", "my mom was friends with that man beforehand, he", "would help her out around the house all types of", "nice things but now i fucked up there", "relationship with my no filter mouth." ]

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[ "i got home from school at 15h30, where we have", "been treated terribly for the past 2 months and", "given tonnes of work without proper teaching (all", "with the teacher's excuse being: \"you're in", "twelfth grade. this is how life is. just do it!\")", "today we did no work, despite having less than 6", "months left to cover almost 3 terms of work.", "i got home and got a phonecall. my mom needed me", "to help her with some work, as she isn't the best", "with computers.", "i called an uber and spent over an hour at her", "work trying to find the right files, going home,", "and only then starting this work.", "i persevered solidly on over 15 different files", "until about 20h30pm but was oblivious to knowing", "that i worked in damaged files.", "_my laptop has been damaging files lately by", "means of \"losing\" portions of previously saved", "work, resulting in documents missing *vital*", "parts._", "i worked hard on these 15 files, but was unaware", "of the missing parts. everything seemed normal to", "me. i had seen the files about a week ago and so", "their previous format was ingrained in my mind.", "i had no idea that they had tables and stuff", "added, as well as formatting changed extensively.", "my mom came upstairs to check how i was doing. i", "said it was going alright, and everything seemed", "normal, but i did have a huge issue locating the", "files.", "she said they were in a desktop folder but i", "argued and said that there was no such folder. i", "found the files in the windows explorer, in the", "operating system's folder.", "she made me check the recycle bin, to no avail,", "and proceeded to peer around the screen (the", "laptop and i were facing her where she stood and", "so she wasn't able to see the screen prior to", "peering...)", "when she saw the document i was on, she became", "confused and grabbed the laptop.", "she started looking through the various documents", "i had finished, desperately looking for the most", "recent changes, which weren't there as these were", "older documents.", "she started panicking.", "she got upset and started saying how she was at", "risk of losing her job (she is a private school", "teacher and these documents were heading off to", "the education authority on friday, but had to be", "in tomorrow).", "she left the laptop and hurried to her office to", "grab previously printed documents of the same", "nature, and i followed her, setting myself and", "the laptop down on the two large steps between", "the lounge and dining area (open-plan).", "i had the laptop at an angle on the top step and", "a corner of it was sticking out over the edge of", "the step.", "now, i often have sudden muscular spasms and", "unfortunately had one while my hand was under", "that edge of the laptop which so happily sat over", "the edge of the step.", "my hand shot up, lifting the laptop", "approxiamately 10-15cm (4-6 inches) and allowing", "it to crash back down onto the step. it all", "happened so fast.", "well. the screen goes black and there is a quick", "white flicker for about a second or two, then the", "screen reverts to black.", "my mom hears this crash and rushes out the", "office.", "she sees the black screen and starts screaming.", "she thinks i hit the laptop, as i was moaning at", "it earlier and getting quite angry as it was", "being slow.", "i tried to deny the physical attack, and turned", "it off and back on while she screamed.", "it comes up with the following error message", "after the start up logo:", "```internal hard disk drive not found```", "``` to resolve this issue, try to reseat the", "drive.```", "```no bootable devices--strike f1 to retry boot,", "f2 enter setup menu, f5 enter psa```", "my mom sees this screen, not knowing what it", "means, but quickly realising that the computer", "is, well, basically dead. she starts freaking out", "more than she already was. she starts crying and", "getting very angry.", "i try to console her and apologise but she pulls", "away and shouts for me to leave her alone.", "she starts pacing up and down, and is absolutely", "beside herself. i desperately sprint to the tool", "box, grab an appropriate screwdriver and turn off", "the laptop, remove the battery and attempt to", "reseat the hdd.", "i do this and turn it on. same error message.", "i still have a distraut mother who now risks", "losing her job (it's that serious. no computer =", "no job) and i come to terms with what _i_ have", "done.", "i'm done with this now. i have had nothing but", "hardship this past year and this was me at my", "breaking point.", "i now start contemplating suicide and head off to", "my 2^nd floor balcony and look over the 3ft high", "wall surrounding it. i take a step back, and sit", "down. i try calling someone to calm me down, and", "eventually i am calmed marginally, and i head", "downstairs to calm my mother.", "she is a little calmer now, but i continue", "removing and replacing the drive and googling for", "a solution. nothing helps. the hdd is dead.", "i calm my mother and she goes to phone her friend", "so she can just relax. (the friend has always", "been a calming mechanism for her)", "an hour or so later, my mom is in bed, i'm", "upstairs on my room's balcony.", "the laptop is unable to be revived and i start", "realising that i have killed our only computer,", "probably screwed my mother's job over, and lost a", "whole presentation and speech for class the next", "day, which i have put off already for 4 days.", "_*i start doing something damn stupid.*_", "i decide suicide is the answer... i sit on the", "wall of the balcony and ponder ways to jump to", "cause either maximum injury, or death.", "i quickly back out and decide that this is a bad", "idea and call my local suicide prevention", "hotline.", "i talk with a guy who helps me get off the wall", "and back to safety and encourages me to call an", "ambulance to take me to hospital where i can get", "meds and professional help.", "i end the call and rather start talking to an", "intl. whatsapp group i'm on where i get helped", "and further calmed. they are really supportive", "and each member deserves a medal!", "i am calmed and lock up the balcony, pack away", "the laptop, and get into bed, leaving all the", "problems for tomorrow.", "i go to sleep, tired and groggy from the stress", "filled night, and hope it never happened (but", "sadly, it did.)", "i have a problem though: i have to rewrite a", "speech which took a day of research and extensive", "work on visual and audio aids which are now all", "gone.", "edit: i plan to have the laptop looked at on the", "weekend by techxperts, so hopefully it is", "alright. i put it in the cupboard and jokingly", "said i don't want to see it until saturday.", "edit 2: techxpert looked at it and said either we", "could claim from insurance or have the hdd", "replaced... insurance luckily agreed to give us a", "payout (double the value of the damaged article)", "and so we had the choice between a mac or a", "windows laptop, which is more powerful than the", "one i destroyed, but we decided to stick with", "windows...", "mom kept job and i am sane again. no problems", "whatsoever now and everyone is happy.", "*" ]

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[ "this happened yesterday, and i am still feeling", "the pain now.", "so i was working my usual monday shift at the", "fast food place i work at, dropping food in the", "fryers, same old same old. mondays tend to be", "slower then most days, so i was just on my phone", "while talking to a coworker. well i (had) a", "galaxy s7 edge with no case, and those things can", "be pretty slippery. so dumbly, i was look at", "instagram while by the fryers, and saw a funny", "meme. when i went to show my coworker, my phone", "slipped out of my hand and fell in the fryers.", "now i kinda expected what was to come, so we both", "ran, as hot oil proceeded to blow everywhere. it", "still hit me and my coworker, me worse (of", "course), as i now have several burns all over my", "body. even worse, i'm out of a $700 phone & got", "written up by my gm for being on my phone and", "ruining the oil. oh yeah, the mess wasn't fun to", "clean either." ]

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[ "hello guys, tifu by cleaning my computer, it", "happened 3 or 4 hours ago.", "so tomorrow i have an oral exam which is part of", "the french baccalaureate, the subject is tpe", "(travaux pratiques encadrés) it's in two parts.", "first you got to write a 40~ pages essay in 3", "months on a topic you choose which is mixing two", "school subjects, i got to mix maths and biology.", "then you got to give a speech to some teacher", "about your essay in 15 minutes and then answer", "questions for 20 minutes. so i choose the", "biometric since i like algorithms. i gave my", "essay to the teachers 3 weeks ago and tomorrow is", "the oral part. i also made a facial recognition", "algorithm which can learn and recognize people in", "live stream and i was going to show it to the", "teacher.", "so i was going to work on my powerpoint to", "illustrate my speech when i noticed the black", "crap on my keyboard. i decided to shat it down, i", "unplugged the charging cable and spray antistatic", "cleaning foam on the keyboard, waited a minute", "and wiped it off.", "then i started it up and it worked perfectly, i", "googled up why is there different types of coca", "cola screw caps, i scroll down when suddenly a", "message box appeared with a power logo at the", "left hand side of the box. i hadn't had time to", "read the message before my computer's screen went", "black. so i thought it may have been water", "damages due to the -so called- antistatic", "cleaning foam and therefore i opened it wild and", "put it keyboard and screen facing down on my bed", "to avoid more water from flowing in.", "30 min later i took the hairdryer and blast it on", "the keyboard to evaporate the water. when i", "started the laptop up it booted… then shutdown", "unexpectedly in the loading process (it's a", "macbook pro early 2015 13\" retina). so i tried to", "launch the safe boot but it was frozen in the", "booting process when i was pressing shift.", "therefore i rebooted and pressed alt and it", "showed the main hdd but right before i even tried", "to do something it stopped.", "so i tried to boot up in single user mod and i", "kept pressing cmd + s and it booted ! :yay: then", "i released the keys and it shat down … :booo:", "i understood that it was an hardware issue since", "the single user mod don't load a lot of drivers", "and so i realize it was a keyboard problem. in", "fact, the water did something to the power", "keystroke and locked it so every time i boot, the", "power button is virtually pressed and the mac", "shut down.", "i finally managed to boot in normal mod by…", "keeping the cmd keystroke pressed !", "if i press another key then the system ignore the", "power button and works perfectly however if i", "release all the keys for more than 5 seconds then", "the mac shut down.", "so now i'm waiting for the apple genius to call", "me back and if i really can't fix my computer", "before tomorrow then i'll open it, remove the hdd", "and exchange it with father's one who own the", "same model so i could use it for my oral exam. i", "hope this heart transplantation won't kill my", "father's warranty tho…", "oh and btw my program can only run on my computer", "since it need some dependencies that i compiled", "by my own.", "([here](https://github.com/blackrainb0w/learn-n-r", "ecognize-cpp)", "is the github to the program)" ]

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[ "so i'll start with some background, i have a", "co-worker who is extremely germophobic. we've", "worked in the same department for about a month", "now, and we pretty much hate eachother mutually.", "the reason i constantly bother him is because", "he's a super devout christian, he passed out", "these little sky wizard packets for some", "fundraiser at his church, and i basically drew a", "bunch of dicks and gave it back to him, and told", "him to stop bothering me. (side note: can i", "report him for handing out those pamphlets?)", "so from day one we've disliked eachother. over", "the next few days i noticed some weird quirks", "that he has, he keeps multiple bottles of", "sanitizer (both spray and regular pump bottles).", "this guy even has a personal fridge to keep his", "food uncontaminated (wtf?).", "one day i decided to engage him in a conversation", "to see what i could do to get revenge on this", "religious plaguing douchebag, and he's", "surprisingly pretty likeable, but this doesn't", "excuse his intolerance. i bring the conversation", "to the subject of phobias by mentioning that i'm", "claustrophobic, and he then tells me that he has", "extreme germophobia, he even has to take", "anti-anxiety meds to deal with it (i almost lost", "it at this part, but i managed to make it back to", "my desk before i burst out laughing).", "so after learning about his phobia, the real fun", "began. i started messing with him in subtle ways", "like acting offended when he wouldn't accept a", "handshake, or acting hurt when he turned down my", "home made chicken alfredo. i eventually got", "carried away, doing things like licking his water", "bottle, leaving my tissues on his desk, and", "moving his food into the break room, but the best", "is when i left a surprise in the break room", "toilet.", "i thought this was just friendly banter but this", "dude actually flipped out and had a full blown", "panic attack, he was screaming and acting like a", "madman, i thought for sure i was finally going to", "get him fired but now he's suing me for", "harassment. on top of that he filed a complaint", "with the shift leaders and got me terminated from", "my job.", "so today was my first day without work since i", "graduated high school, i hired an attorney and", "hopefully i'll get everything sorted out, i filed", "a wrongful termination suit against my employer,", "and i'm looking into suing my co worker for", "defamation.", "edit: can a lawyer outright refuse a case? i", "offered the correct amount of money but he", "refuses to defend. can i sue his firm citing the", "amendment right to an attorney?", "edit2: both of my cases have been declined, can", "i'd defend on my own behalf? i really need my job", "back as soon as possible", "edit3: is it possible, if i convinced my", "co-worker to vouch for me, that i could overturn", "the termination somehow? like get him to say that", "it was all friendly jokes?", "**final edit:** lmao at all the sjws that showed", "up in my thread, go back to tumblr you losers" ]

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[ "this happened about 5 years ago.", "so i used to go to a private charter school and", "they had strict uniform rules. where you have to", "wear a specific color shirt assigned to your", "grade level and black pants or black shorts with", "black/white/gray shoes and when wearing shorts,", "socks had to be white or black. one day in the", "summer i want to wear shorts because it was hot", "and it was summer but i had ran out of my white", "and black socks. i hadn't done laundry in a while", "so i decided to use some blue socks.", "i got to school like it was a regular day. but i", "always used to get to school like 5 mins before", "class started. i got to my class and sat down", "within seconds of sitting down the principal", "pulls me out of class and takes me to the office.", "they wanted me to call my parents and tell them", "to bring me different socks. i told them, \"nope", "not doing that, they are working!\" which they did", "not like that response so they told take off your", "socks. at this point im getting frustrated, so i", "tell them, \"who the fuck do i look like walking", "around without socks and that's fucken", "disgusting.\" let me remind you i'm in the office", "so everyone looks at me like \"wow\" so they then", "tried to give me paper bags to use as socks.", "which i refuse to use and just kept arguing with", "them. at the very end they just ended up getting", "frustrated with me and not giving a shit about", "the socks but i got a week of", "detention.(detention was an hour long but you had", "to write an essay in there explaining what you", "did \"wrong\" and how to correct it. if you didn't", "finish the essay in the hour they would keep you", "until you finish it.) i thought it was stupid", "getting detention for a week for wearing socks!", "so i decided to not go to the week of detention.", "which led to a parent conference and i ended up", "getting two weeks of detention with 2 saturday", "detentions (saturdays detention was 4hours long)", "and had to pick up trash at lunch for a week. the", "principal would go to my class before lunch and", "pull me out 5 mins before the bell rang to make", "sure i had gloves and a bag. at the end of lunch", "i had to show at least 1 bag full of trash (huge", "black bags) or else more detention and more lunch", "pick up." ]

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[ "so, i was a sewer worker before this incident and", "was called in to work on some of the main sewage", "lines at a school. to do this, i had to move away", "some ceiling tiles and climb up to reach the", "pipes. i was working on the pipes and needed to", "work on the backside of one of the pipes which", "was out of my reach. what i did was try to stand", "on another pipe to try to reach the pipe i needed", "to work on.", "judging by the title of this thread, you can", "guess what happened next. the pipe wasn't strong", "enough to hold my weight and broke. what made it", "even worse was that it was the pipe the sewage", "had been diverted through while we were doing the", "work on the other pipes. sewage spilled all over", "the hallway. school had to be canceled and it", "took a team of 15 people the better part of a day", "to clean that shit up (pun intended). i was fired", "(obviously) and am now trying to find a job." ]

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[ "obviously not today. this was summer of 2014. i", "was living near my school, umass amherst, for the", "summer, but would drive to my parents place on", "long island every few weeks for various reasons.", "not a bad drive. 178 miles door to door, 3 hours", "on the button. needless to say, driving 360 miles", "constantly on top of a summer job that required a", "lot of driving, my car needed to get 2 oil", "changes over the course of the summer. i got my", "first one but was very busy (read lazy) and", "continuously avoided getting the second oil", "change. i was halfway between new haven and", "hartford in ct when my car's check engine light", "started flashing, and my car's engine started to", "sputter. i pulled off the highway and headed", "towards a gas station. i hit a red light half a", "block from the station, but when i went to hit", "the gas, my car didn't move. when i restarted my", "car, i was able to ride it into the gas station.", "i quickly ran and grabbed some motor oil and", "poured it in the engine and the car would run,", "but the engine was still sputtering. i pulled", "into a garage and explained the situation. they", "looked at it for about 5 minutes and came back to", "me, saying my car had 0 oil in it before i dumped", "more in and something hit something in my engine.", "they could either tear apart my engine, replace", "it entirely, or scrap the car. i called my dad,", "in tears. he was obviously unhappy but agreed to", "leave work in the middle of the day to pick me", "up. we didn't talk for the first hour of the", "drive but i could feel the heat coming off him", "for how angry he was. when we got back home i", "basically grabbed dinner, borrowed my moms car", "for a week and drove back to ma. we ended up", "replacing the engine and i'm still driving the", "car now. my dad still asks if i need an oil", "change ~once a month." ]

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[ "our dryer had been making this loud banging noise", "for the past week. so here i am thinking i am the", "man, will just order the new wheels and get the", "belt and replace it myself.", "get the parts today and begin taking the dryer", "apart. for anyone not familiar with this, it", "sucks. you have to take apart the entire dryer to", "replace the wheels all the way down to removing", "the dryer drum. it took forever.", "anyway! i get it all done, put it back together,", "plug it in and test it out. hell yeah! it works", "perfectly and the banging is gone. oh wait, extra", "screws? crap, i must have forgotten to screw in", "something. ugh, guess i'll take the faceplate off", "again.", "so i disassemble the faceplate for the second", "time. disconnect the wire harness and find where", "the missing screws belong. i screw them all in", "and position the faceplate back and -", "pop!!! huge sparks", "i jump back oh shit!!! standing there dumbfounded", "i see i forgot to unplug the dryer after i tested", "it. i completely fried it.", "just got off the phone with sears. had to order a", "new wiring harness. $85 mistake." ]

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[ "didn't actually happen today, as usual, but on the", "day of my high school graduation a few years ago.", "this especially goes out to high school", "graduates.", "first of all, here is some backstory on me that", "adds to how i got to my tifu i come from a small", "town with a decently well known njrotc unit. for", "those who do not know naval junior reserve", "operations training corps, or njrotc, is", "basically military school super downgraded and", "integrated into normal high school. i live in a", "military town so this is very normal. not to", "mention my dad was in the military himself. so,", "like many other bright eyed yungins, freshman", "year of high school i joined and long story short", "by senior year i got the rank of cadet lt.", "commander and become a part of what's basically", "the top nine that run the unit of over 300", "students. with my achievements, i was picked to", "be a part of the group that does \"honor guard\".", "and for those who don't know, basically the", "people in special ceremonies that create those", "sword arches for people to walk under. i did a", "few throughout my senior year. then came", "graduation and of course the graduating class", "gets to walk under them. but since i'm a senior,", "my underclassmen have to do it.", "on the day of my actual graduation, it was one", "final graduation ceremony practice that morning.", "that's when my instructor (in the njrotc, we call", "our teachers by their rank, not necessarily", "mr./ms. and call them instructors), commander as", "we called him, came out with the ceremonial", "swords on his golf cart for my underclassmen to", "practice with us. well, it was a little before", "the actual walking under the swords practice was", "starting so myself and other seniors who were a", "part of the ceremonial team decide to look and", "the swords. [here](http://imgur.com/a/ynqb7) is a", "picture of what we worked with. well, as we were", "looking at them, one that was resting on the golf", "cart started to slip out. and here my fellow", "redditors, is where i fuck up.", "by pure instinct, i tried to catch the sword.", "keep in mind, these aren't exactly the sharpest", "swords, but these are still swords. not only did", "i not catch it, but the tip hit the side of my", "right hand's palm. it stung like a bitch, then it", "went past. my commander asked what the hell i was", "doing, and responded weakly, \"not much sir...\" i", "felt nothing afterwards and assumed that it was", "just like a papercut and went back in line", "because we were starting practice. but as we were", "walking, i felt a drip down my pinkie and then", "looked down at my hand. that's when i found a red", "0.3 cm gap (i measured afterwards) on the side of", "my hand along with small trails of blood running", "down my pinkie. i kid you not when i say i felt", "my heart skip a beat and blood rush down my head", "(towards my hand probably). that's when i walked", "out of the line, saying nothing to anybody, and", "straight to the nurses office. now i may be from", "a small town but the high school is old and big,", "and it was about more or less 1000 feet from our", "mini football stadium to the main part of the", "school. so, slowly but surely i walked that", "entire way there. it was about 1/4th of the way", "that the pain started to kick in. with each step", "was another sting in my hand with a small drop of", "blood coming out of the valley on the side of my", "hand. i felt my hand starting to shake.", "after enduring that journey i reached the nurses", "office. she was on the phone so i walked in and", "calmly took a seat. luckily she was finishing up", "her phone call and got to me almost right away.", "she hung the phone and asked \"what can i do for", "ya today sweetie?\" it must of been because of how", "bright the room was but she looked like an angel", "the moment she asked. i responded, \"well i got", "this with me,\" and put up my hand that now had", "two dried up rivers of blood coming out. she did", "the normal \"ouuuuu, that can't feel too good. go", "wash that off and i'll start cleaning it\". i went", "to the sink and washed off the blood off my hand", "but my cut stung as the rushing water went", "through it. and just when i thought it couldn't", "stung further, my angel gave me tough love by", "cleaning and stinging me and the same time. we", "talked a bit about how this happened and how the", "mind can do stupid things on autopilot. after", "some observation she said, \"well, luckily you", "don't need stitches. but you definitely need to", "cover that up. maybe some medicine (that she", "legally couldn't give) to help the pain cause i'm", "pretty sure that hurts.\" she called my mom,", "covered up my fuck up, and sent me on my way back", "to practice. luckily there was only about 45", "minutes of practice left, but it was a long 45", "minutes because my hand still hurt bad.", "afterwards i drove home where my mom gave me", "medicine which helped a lot. now you think this", "would be over, but remember my title. this", "happened on the actual day of my graduation.", "which meant i had to go through 2+ hours with a", "beat up hand on one of the day of \"another", "chapter opening\". i got dressed up, took pain", "medicine, wrapped up my hand, and went to my high", "school.", "oh, and did i mention that i was in the jazz", "band? it's a given that the jazz band plays for", "about a *full hour* before the ceremony starts.", "luckily i played the trombone so it wasn't too", "hard to play. however, that didn't excuse the", "journey of carrying a [bass", "trombone](http://imgur.com/a/k01cq) and its case", "for, like i said, 1000 ft. that went over all", "fine, hand didn't hurt too bad except when we", "played fast songs (i was losing grip because of", "the slight stinging), finished playing, and went", "to start the actual graduation ceremony. it was", "nice, like many other graduations, yadda yadda,", "and now for the last part/ why this tifu is so", "long.", "the ceremony was only about half an hour before", "the name calling part when my medicine started to", "wear off. my hand started stinging and stinging", "hard. after enduring that, it was time for names.", "mine was called, i was actually really happy, got", "up on stage, and that's when i remembered how", "much the next 30 seconds were gonna hurt. as soon", "as i shook hands with my principal i realized", "that i'm going to shake hands with a lot of", "teachers, most of which have strong grips. i went", "through one by one, getting my cut hand squeezed", "into absolute pain with the worst being from two", "of my nj instructors who were ex-military. even", "though their's hurt the most, i knew it was out", "of student-teacher love because i've been with", "them for four straight years.", "finished handshaking, sat back down, and enjoyed", "the rest of the night after more medicine my", "parent's brought just in case.", "edit: here's a quick pic of the cut after two", "years, not that big but still:", "http://imgur.com/8j8evey and some formatting." ]

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[ "this actually happened some years ago but i think", "it still has some contemporary matter - more or", "less.", "it was a regular monday. it's early in the", "morning and i have my troubles lifting my tired", "body out of my bed. after hitting the snooze", "button on my alarm clock for about 7 times i", "finally decided it was time to get ready for", "school. that was when i noticed a gentle pressure", "in my bowel area. i try to make my way to the", "bathroom in order to eject some bone-free mass.", "as i already mentioned it was early in the", "morning and i was tired and a bit sloppy. so i", "drop myself towards the toilet's bowl.", "unfortunately, i stand about 1 foot away from the", "edge of the closet, which inevitably makes me", "lose my equilibrium sense. i panic and start to", "wave my hands through the air while my body makes", "his way to the bathroom's floor at a tearing pace", "with my buttocks ahead.", "i hit the ground and start screaming through the", "whole house. the pain is unbearable. my mom nips", "into the bathroom, watching me, laying on the", "ground with my pants around my feet and my ass", "stretched out to the door. she vainly tries to", "suppress her laughter and doesn't really notice", "my poverty at first. i can't hold it against her", "though. i probably would have reacted in a", "similar fashion.", "that's, however, the last thing i remember. i", "must have fainted due to the great pain i was in.", "when i woke up in the hospital it turned out that", "my tailbone was broken and i also had sprained my", "wrist by hitting the radiator. i wasn't able to", "sit properly for about 2 months and i used to sit", "on a circular pillow with a hole inside, which", "also gave me my nickname that has been sticking", "with me until now. my classmates refer to me as", "donut man since then." ]

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[ "this was actually last night...", "i was making a salad and wanted some protein, so", "i decided to hard-boil an egg. i was really", "hungry and really impatient, so i decided to", "google how to hard-boil an egg in the microwave.", "it seemed easy enough, so i popped the egg in a", "bowl of water and started the microwave.", "with twenty seconds left on the microwave, i", "heard this loud \"pop\" noise from the microwave", "and thought... \"oh, shit.\"", "within seconds, water poured out of the microwave", "under the door. it was like the blood pouring", "out of the elevator in the shining or something.", "i don't know how that happened, though, because", "when i opened the door of the microwave, the bowl", "was intact. the egg had exploded all over the", "inside of the microwave, obviously. i started", "cleaning up the mess when i realized - the", "microwave had turned itself off. at first i", "thought it was broken, but then i realized that", "the oven had turned off too. the microwave is", "fine... the outlets aren't." ]

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[ "this did actually happen today - first time for", "everything.", "so i was clearing out our garden, which is", "extremely overgrown with a variety of weeds and", "trees alike. many of said trees are ugly and/or", "in the way so i took to the saw to remove them.", "none were particularly large trees, 5-6m at most", "so i was pretty lax about hacking them down. i", "got through 2 without any trouble, but the third", "was a different story. as i was nearly through", "the 'trunk', about 3/4 of the way, i heard a loud", "snap. obviously this was the tree beginning to", "fall, so i gave it a little shove to get it", "going. it didn't budge much at all. so i took to", "the saw again. as soon as i bent over to finish", "the job however, the tree fell extremely quickly.", "would have been fine except..... one branch drove", "straight at my crotch and inevitably, had to get", "the perfect ball shot. it was excruciatingly bad,", "worsened as the falling tree dragged a hideously", "large bramble across my leg. i am (hopefully)", "still fertile." ]

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[ "obligatory on mobile, sorry for formatting and", "whatnot.", "so this fuckup actually happened yesterday. i", "live in the northern us but i'm currently", "traveling in the deep south for my brother's", "college graduation. at home i live in a very big", "city so i'm not around a lot of nature, and the", "only bugs that will bother you are mosquitoes.", "the graduation ceremony was yesterday morning.", "afterwards everyone left the auditorium and", "gathered in an outdoor courtyard area so that", "families could take nice photos. now, this is", "where my fuckup begins. i noticed a magnolia tree", "with absolutely huge flowers. they were at least", "three times as big as the magnolia flowers i'm", "used to up north. i decided to take a selfie next", "to one of the flowers to show that it was even", "bigger than my face. i casually stepped off the", "concrete path and go over to the tree, paying no", "attention to the ground at my feet.", "i take a few selfies and start walking back over", "towards my family. a few seconds go by and", "suddenly my feet are burning. i have very", "sensitive skin and often have reactions to", "soaps/lotions/etc, so my first thought was am i", "somehow having a delayed reaction to the hotel", "soap? but why would only my feet be affected?", "and that's when i see the woman next to me", "pulling off her shoes and swatting frantically at", "her feet, and it hits me. ants. that's why my", "feet are burning.", "now, i am terrified of ants. i don't like bugs in", "general but for some reason ants freak me out", "more than anything. i immediately panic and pull", "off my shoes and of course, my feet are covered", "in angry, biting fire ants. to make things worse", "i was wearing a long dress so some of the ants", "started crawling up it. at this point i'm in full", "on panic mode, i start physically shaking and i", "can't breath and i feel like i'm going to pass", "out. i somehow manage to get the ants off of me", "and then all i can do is stand there, trembling.", "my family was busy taking photos and", "congratulating my brother, so they were unaware", "of my plight.", "finally i hobble over to my family and tell them", "what happened. i'm shaking worse and worse and am", "on the verge of tears. my wonderful loving", "brother calls me a dumbass and informs me that", "around here there are fire ants everywhere and", "you need to be really careful when not on a paved", "path. (thanks for the advanced warning, bro). at", "this point i'm obviously not okay so my mom", "offers to take me inside to find a bathroom so i", "can get cleaned up and calm down.", "now somehow this manages to get even worse. i", "turn around to go inside and that's when i see", "the anthill. it's massive, and swarming with the", "most ants i've ever seen at once. this visual is", "all it takes to push me over the edge into a", "terror induced flight response. i let out a high", "pitched shriek and take off running, barefoot,", "dress hiked way up, shoving my way through crowds", "of unsuspecting families trying to take photos", "with their graduates. everyone stops and stares,", "wondering who the hell is this crazy chick and", "what the hell is she doing.", "i finally get to a bathroom, and after fifteen", "minutes of continuously washing me feet i start", "to feel a little better. somehow in my panicked", "mad dash i managed to get a pretty deep gash on", "my big toe, and there's a good amount of ant", "bites on my feet, but i'm mostly okay. i feel", "terrible that my dumbassery caused at least one", "other person to get attacked by an angry ant mob.", "for the rest of the trip i'll be avoiding any", "unpaved ground at all costs.", "the selfie did turn out cute though." ]

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[ "right, there isn't really a good way to start this", "so here's abit of context.", "i haven't seen my girlfriend in 3 months, she has", "just came back from a long trip out of the", "country and i haven't really spoke to her until", "the last week approached. this was due to a lack", "of mobile signal/communication available during", "this trip. so when we met up again we were very", "happy to see each other.", "the day started good, we went out shopping, got", "drinks and took a taxi back to her parents place", "(we're both 18, living with our parents). meet", "and greet with them once again and everything is", "going smooth.", "we go upstairs and put a film on, ofcourse since", "we haven't really done anything in a few months", "one thing eventually led to another and we're", "doing it. there was little to no fore-play, which", "could have been a cause for this problem.", "anyways, i'm 6'2 - which isn't too tall in this", "country, however she is 5'5. so sex isn't really", "comfortable for one of us, so i tend to change", "positions often. so i pull out and move her, i go", "to go back in and....", "riiiiiiiiippppppppppppp", "immense pain followed. i pulled out and saw blood", "squirt directly out of the tip of my dick. she", "looks at me only slightly concerned and i cannot", "remember the rest. the next thing i know i had my", "head suspended over the toilet and could not hear", "a thing.", "she told me that i was asking for tissue and", "fainted, when i got up i stumbled to her bathroom", "and that's how i ended up there. when i looked up", "i had my clothes back on and her mum was asking", "what was wrong with me, i told her it was just a", "bad nose bleed (to explain the blood on my hands", "and the fact that i was just fucking her", "daughter) and she helped me feel abit better.", "i get home later that night and there is a", "massive tear down the side of my dick, guess i'm", "out of the game for a few weeks." ]

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[ "so this isn't really today, but rather a summary", "of my last couple of lobster filled days and how", "i made a 150 mile journey to put a lobster in the", "sea.", "so i'm a student and since coming to university i", "eat a lot of fish. like 5/6 times a week. the", "only way to afford this is to prepare my food", "from scratch - including preparing my own fish", "(£15 salmon can feed a man for two weeks) so i'm", "not squeamish - it also means i have a healthy", "working relationship with my local fishmonger.", "every single trip, he will have some wild caught,", "exotic, fancy, or otherwise intriguing catch.", "there will be a little barter, i'll probably buy", "it.", "**wednesday**", "this day is no different, i walk in looking for", "some coley (great alternative to cod, please try", "it, sustainable), when the fishmonger is like \"ah", "my friend! only the best for you? i have the", "special stock out back\"", "of course i want the special stock.", "so he goes out back, and brings back this little", "fella, beautifully blue, with just one antenna,", "he puts it on the table. it wiggles that little", "antenna at me... and in that moment, i decided", "that the lobster in front of me was special. i", "say that i'll decide if i want it tomorrow.", "i go home... distressed? i don't know why - but", "in those small moments i emotionally connected", "with a fucking lobster. i go on a panicked 2 hour", "frenzy (this is the middle of exam season, i", "should be revising) looking for tanks, looking up", "lobster information, trying to work out how i", "will hide a lobster in my room. eventually i", "realise that there is no way of keeping this", "lobster. i try to find friends and family with", "tanks that have no fish, or someone that want's a", "pet lobster - nothing. i decide to purchase it,", "and try to find it a home, and if not, quickly", "put it down with a knife (instead of boiling,", "which i am confident, having read the scientific", "literature, causes a lobster distress and pain).", "**thursday**", "*i feel at this point i should inform you that my", "confused girlfriend now knows i am getting a pet", "lobster*", "now before i go to the fishmongers, i head to the", "supermarket. i need supplies to transport the", "lobster; and if i have to put it down, it will", "have a nice meal before it dies.", "i purchase the following", "1) sea salt\n\n2) ice", "3) salmon, cod, prawns, broccoli, carrots (stuff", "that the internet said lobsters like)", "4) tea towels", "5) apple juice (to help me with the emotional", "stress i'm currently in)", "i go to pick it up, the fishmonger (ex-chef) asks", "if i want it boiled, i say no, and that i will", "cook it myself. he gives me seaweed to keep him", "comfy and hydrated in. i take it home. turns out", "the lobster is male. i name him qui-gon because", "there's always a bigger lobster. i take apart my", "plastic drawers, and pop him in one of them.", "along with the sea weed and food. i play some", "underwater sounds i downloaded on my phone. i", "take pictures and post pictures of him on pet", "sites on facebook looking for a home and/or a", "tank - my third plan, was now to house him at my", "parent's home.", "*at this point my family knows i own a pet", "lobster*", "oh, i have a 24 hour bug and feel very very sick?", "fantastic.", "wait? it's thursday - i'm meant to be making the", "two hour journey back home today - i have to be", "back to go to comic con on friday morning.", "but this little guy needs a home. being in a tank", "isn't good. he needs the ocean.", "anyways, me and qui-gon have a nice day. i work", "out a plan to get him to the sea. i'm too ill to", "make the 6 hour journey to skegness. however, i", "can make an hour and a half journey to my", "hometown, and my friend has offered to drive me", "the other hour and a half to southend the", "following evening.", "i put him on the side, fill the box with ice,", "place the first teatowel over the ice, then put", "him back in the box with some food, then food and", "seaweed. finally i put the second teatowel over", "the box to protect him from the sun. i've made up", "artificial saltwater to the correct", "concentrations to splash him with (not great, but", "should keep him hydrated).", "lots of train delays, tram delays, bus delays.", "should be home at 8, i get back at 10.30. me and", "qui-gon made a lot of friends - apparently you", "get attention when carrying a lobster on a 110", "mile train journey. he's eaten some fish, seems", "happy. no signs of stress such as tail thrashing.", "i get him home and put the box back in the", "fridge. he seems a happy lobster. i check on him", "before bed. happy lobster.", "**friday**", "i wake up at like 7. i check on qui-gon. he is", "responsive and seems okay, i splash him a little", "more. i head to london", "comic con stuff - whilst filled with anxiety over", "his wellbeing.", "i get back, my friend informs me that there is a", "fish center that can take him, about 30 miles", "away - and keep him in suitable conditions. i", "agree on the condition that he will be released", "in cornwall (where he first came from).", "sadly, when i got home, he was unresponsive -", "after trying to get him to do stuff, gently", "brushing his eyes, unclipping his claws, etc.", "it's clear he is dead. i'm legitimately upset. a", "fully grown, 6ft, bearded man, may have cried", "over a lobster.", "however, he did eat the salmon and cod, and", "displayed no signs that he had thrashed or tried", "to escape, or was other wise stressed. it seems", "that he died whilst numbed from the cold of the", "fridge, hopefully asleep.", "i wrapped him in the seaweed so it would be like", "home, and went to the nearest lake, and eased him", "into the water. he didn't last long enough to get", "him proper help.", "i literally spent wednesday-saturday with my life", "revolving around looking up information, caring", "for, seeking help for, and transporting, a", "lobster. i do not like animals, i do not want", "pets.", "qui-gon was a special fella.", "**for those who asked** here are some pics", "https://imgur.com/gallery/10ur6" ]

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[ "so this actually happened yesterday, but anyway:", "i was at work, making food deliveries, on an", "extremely hot day (it was about 30 c in the sun).", "it was really on of the worst days i've had. i", "didn't sleep well, people on the streets were", "assholes, 12 hours in and still no tips (lol).", "since i was sitting around for a bit i decided to", "go buy some ice cream and make myself smile,", "since i really love ice cream. i get this", "delicious natural mango flavored ice cream scoop,", "and notice this guy carrying a bag coming", "straight at me even though he had the whole", "sidewalk. he ends up shoving me aside without", "even saying sorry. of course my ice cream, the", "only good thing that happened to me today, falls", "out of my hand and right onto the ground. i got", "pretty pissed and turned around hoping for him to", "apologize but he keeps on going forward.", "i ask him \"hey do you know word sorry?\"", "no answer. i walk a bit closer to him and say", "\"hey, asshole i'm talking to you\"", "still no answer.", "at this point, after the whole day of people", "being assholes, i walk up to him and push him. he", "falls on the ground, everything he had in his bag", "falls on the crosswalk and he just stares at me,", "shocked.", "after that his wife, who i guess was behind us,", "runs up screaming at me that her husband was", "rushing home with the groceries because they", "wanted to make it there and make food for their", "granddaughters birthday party and that he is, in", "fact, deaf. of course according to everyone there", "i'm the bad guy because i shoved him. since i", "live in a small town this story is going to get", "around pretty fast.", "yay me" ]

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[ "obligatory this happened around two weeks ago, not", "today.", "me and my buddy usually go on the roof to be", "stupid, but this time i went to the top for a", "football. my roof slants, like most, and the", "football was positioned right between two slopes.", "i climbed on this shaky ass ladder that was", "almost as shaky as me going onto the roof. i'm", "used to going on the roof, so i wasn't scared", "about that. i was scared about slipping, since it", "rained all day, and only at this moment it was", "clearing up. there was still water caught in the", "shingles, so i can't say i was thrilled to be", "going up there.", "i finally get up there after i don't know how", "long, and now it's me versus that football. i", "charge towards it, just eager to get it done, but", "before i can grab it, i begin slipping backwards.", "the whole time my knees are scraping off of the", "roof, and i prepare myself for the inevitable. at", "this point i'm wishing that good god can save me", "from this, but i know there is no saving me now.", "my buddy is drinking a capri-sun or some shit", "like that as he watches in awe. my face scrapes", "off of the corner of the roof as i start to", "plummet off. this was not a soft landing either,", "considering i fell about twenty feet. i try to", "position myself so i don't land on my head, but", "instead i flop on my side. instantly my hip", "begins burning and the impact propelled my head", "with such force that i rammed my two front teeth", "into my arm. no, they weren't stuck, but there", "was a pretty bad wound afterwards.", "as for my buddy, save me next time." ]

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[ "obligatory \"this didn't happen today\" but in fact,", "this time last year. tl;dr below.", "i live in london, in a 3rd floor flat with an", "outdoor balcony. last summer, an expecting pigeon", "decided that my balcony was a verdant paradise", "and that the space behind a cluster of potted", "plants would be the perfect spot for her to raise", "her children.", "i brought mama pigeon a daily feast of whole", "foods nuts, seeds, goji berries, coconut flakes,", "etc so that she wouldn't have to travel far for", "food while keeping her precious eggs warm. (a", "friend: \"goji berries?! they're not fucking", "macaws, they're london pigeons - just give those", "filthy shits a bit of kebab and stale cigarette", "butts!\") clearly my delusions of being a disney", "princess with bird buddies who'd help me with my", "daily chores overrode any common sense that", "london pigeons are filthy pests and that they", "only thing you should feed them is a beakful of", "broom to their stupid cooing faces.", "the eggs hatch, and throughout their childhood i", "would continue to bring mama and her 2 (hideous)", "babies their assorted daily whole foods", "cornucopia (i sometimes experimented with variety", "- apparently pigeons do not like rice cakes).", "then one day i notice that mama pigeon had not", "returned for 2 whole days. upon closer inspection", "the nest was empty (save for a whole lot of bird", "crap and other delightful leavings) which i took", "to mean that the pigeons had finally found", "independence, and flew the coop so to speak.", "i reclaim my balcony; first by throwing away the", "empty nest and then disinfecting the site with an", "incendiary cocktail of baking soda, white", "vinegar, lemon juice, and for the finale; an", "entire bottle of bleach. i was finally satisfied", "with my cleaning efforts when i heard it:", "coo. coo. coo.", "i turned around to find 2 terrified adolescent", "pigeons hiding behind a plant pot, watching with", "horror as their once-food bringing caretaker", "destroyed their home.", "i ended up relocating the now-homeless,", "still-flightless winged rats to a plant box on", "the communal roof garden of my building. getting", "the 2 fledgling pigeons there was not easy - they", "may not yet have gained the power of flight but", "the little brats sure could put up a fight.", "picking them up to carry them upstairs was a", "struggle that involved a lot of frantic flapping,", "pecking, kicking, and scratching on their part", "(on the plus side i didn't contract bird flu, and", "may even be immune to it now). i resumed my", "previous routine of bringing them their daily", "bread, not so much out of duty or kindness but", "out of guilt.", "eventually the 2 fledglings left, presumably when", "they learnt to fly. mama pigeon never came back", "to the balcony to look for her young...until a", "few weeks ago, on a daily basis, to try and build", "a new nest on that now-hostile but once-friendly", "balcony that flowed with free food. apparently me", "running out to the balcony several times a day", "screaming: \"fuck off! you're not getting another", "rent free-stay!\" isn't clear enough that she's", "not welcome to defile my balcony with her", "wretched to-be spawn." ]

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[ "so this happened three years ago when i was an 18", "year old in upper sixth (i think 12th", "grade/senior in yankspeak) and it was the leaving", "party our college (i'm from a chavvy county where", "most kids left school at 16 so those of us who", "did a levels and shit went to fe colleges) laid", "on for the students before a level exam season,", "which is generally reckoned one of the most", "stressful and high-pressured events in the life", "of a british teenager. a levels are generally", "aimed at students aiming to go to university to", "study academic subjects, and i had a first choice", "offer (so the universities make offers", "conditional on achieving certain final grades,", "you take a first choice and an insurance/reserve", "through the application system all uk", "universities use) to study history at one of the", "best regarded universities in the country for the", "humanities, no oxbridge but it was a respectable", "university in a town with a much higher quality", "of life than my hometown and i was genuinely", "excited to study at such a well-regarded", "university and leave a hometown i was starting to", "find stifling.", "the party was great fun, there was the usual", "wholesome alcohol-free (until we had left the", "college premises anyway) fun and games, bbq,", "sports matches, and several inflatable games,", "including a bouncy castle.", "after about 90 minutes of the fun and games, me", "and my mates are having loads of fun and running", "around like the 7 year olds we really were", "inside. i decided to get onto the bouncy castle,", "but in my excitement forgot you're supposed to", "take off your socks as well as your shoes so your", "feet grip to the rubber/fabric surface better. i", "then dived right on and slipped.", "*crunch*", "i fell sideways, and my shoulder literally", "crashed into the forehead of a hyperactive youth", "from lower sixth, and felt a sickening crunch", "inside my shoulder.", "walking away for about 30 feet, i realise", "something is terribly wrong before i finally give", "up the ghost and lie down before crying like a", "toddler out of pain. the college staff call an", "ambulance for me but the good folk at the", "ambulance service are having a bit of a rough day", "picking up the pieces of all the drunken outdoors", "antics that only take place in britain when it's", "sunny and the temperature is above 17 (seriously,", "a law from 1511 decrees no man may wear a shirt", "while in publicly owned parkland when the", "temperature is over 17) and tell me i can make my", "own way to the hospital. so they call me a taxi", "and i'm lying on the back seats of the 20 year", "old merc ferrying me to hospital, with a driver", "who didn't speak the best english and seemed to", "confuse \"aahhhh fookin slow down mate\" with \"my", "dear fellow if you could go over the speed bumps", "a little more quickly my ride would be far more", "comfortable\".", "after a few examinations and x-rays, including", "teenage self finding removing my top in front of", "the really fit radiographer slightly confusing,", "it is found that my shoulder is broken at the", "joint of the collarbone.", "as it happens, both my parents work in the", "hospital building, so they came down to accident", "and emergency fairly quickly, as mum is trying to", "suppress laughter as the details of the accident", "come out (juxtaposed with the other two broken", "shoulders that day, a rugby accident and a", "motorbike crash, mine was pathetic) and dad is", "shitting himself about the effects it will have", "on my a levels. oh yeah, those.", "i had a great time revising for the exams that", "would determine my future while spending the next", "fortnight doped up on painkillers. the college", "was good enough to get the exam board to let me", "have extra time in exams as well as typing (which", "was a long-standing arrangement owing to my", "cack-handed nature) but that doesn't really make", "much difference when you can hardly revise in the", "first place.", "anyway, so results day came round after a fairly", "boring summer, i had missed the required history", "grade by 0.5% and economics by 0.75%, which", "almost certainly wouldn't have happened if i had", "just taken my bloody socks off.", "my insurance university took me anyway, it's a", "good university with an equivalent reputation", "overall to my first choice but better known for", "engineering and physics, rather than my own", "subject area.", "my sister went to the same college as me, and her", "leaving party was a year ago. no bouncy castles", "or rough-housing games." ]

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[ "to put some context, the last days, especially", "yesterday, were hot, like very hot (30° c, 86°", "fahrenheit) and i'm currently studying for my", "finals (which is impossible with such", "temperatures). my student apartment is just below", "the roof of the house (so it's even hotter), so", "my windows are in the roof, inclined. to keep it", "from turning into a sauna, i leave the window", "just above my bed always opened.", "but today, when i woke up, the sky was grey, and", "it started raining a bit, but when i left for the", "library, the skies were getting blue and nice, so", "as usual, i let the window opened. big mistake.", "i live just next to the library, and barely 10", "minutes after i had left my room...it started to", "rain again, put not your small summer rain,", "no...it was rather the usual belgian \"go fuck", "yourself\" rain, it lasted 10-15 minutes, but it", "rained really heavily, and since it's still", "pretty hot i had no vest, and even if i had run,", "i would have been completely soaked...so i just", "hoped it wouldn't get too much water on my bed.", "30 minutes ago, i came back to eat and see the", "damages. at first sight, almost no water went in,", "the edge of my bed is however a bit wet, and", "underneath the edge, there is a small puddle. but", "then i remember that my floor is slightly", "tilted...i checked under my bed, only to see a", "giant puddle of water...", "so i moved the bed to the other side of the room,", "sacrificed a towel to absorb that filthy water,", "most of it gone and i'm letting it dry, hopefully", "there is no damage. so that's another proof that", "belgium weather is a fucking asshole." ]

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