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reddit_tifu_oreo

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[ "so we got this multi-tier fountain thing in our", "courtyard that runs on a small fish tank pump. it", "hasn't been turned on in a while so the standing", "water in the basin started growing a layer of", "pink slime so i dumped out the water and grabbed", "my trusty bottle of bleach and started spraying", "the whole thing down.", "the 3-tier center thing (where the water trickles", "down from layer to layer) has a little hole in", "the side to let in the water. suddenly this tiny", "frog, about the size of my thumbnail, pops out of", "the hole and starts furiously scrubbing its", "little face and body.", "\"oh shit!\" i realize i just rained poison down on", "the poor little sucker so i scooped him up in my", "hand but he hopped out and landed on a nearby", "fern. i grab the hose an spent the next ten", "minutes spraying down the fern and every plant in", "the immediate area hoping to rinse the poor", "little guy off.", "i hope the little guy survives. i completely", "forgot he was living in there as i first noticed", "him in the fountain several weeks ago.", "anyway, i should not have been so lazy as to use", "bleach out in the garden, and i feel like a total", "dick to tiny frogs! :(" ]

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[ "in rare fashion, this occurred 2 hours ago and i'm", "just now getting off the river. i am a white", "water rafting guide in tennessee but work with", "cameras in the off season. i bought a mavic pro", "drone shortly before i became a guide and have", "been getting some cool footage in the mountains.", "since i am a business minded guy, i figure i", "should make some short commercials to sell to the", "rafting company after season ends. they need", "material and i can produce it, easy money! =(", "so, today is my first day off that the company", "still has trips during. i get my gear, ride", "along to a nice class 4 rapid that has a great", "view to see rafts come down and easy spot to get", "to shore. i set up and do a test flight to get an", "idea of my shots, land the drone beside me and", "wait for the next group a hour later.", "while waiting, an older man comes up on an", "inflatable single seat kayak and starts", "photographing another company coming through the", "rapids. a nice man, using black and white film to", "get double exposures and be creative. that's", "awesome! few people do that anymore and he", "wanted to use a close up of my face for a", "secondary exposure.", "\"sure thing, let me get my shots first, my", "company is next through. then i'll pose for you.\"", "i told him as i was starting my take off.", "he says okay and that he can photograph me while", "i fly. no big deal, i'm looking at my screen and", "getting an awesome shot of a raft entering a", "great line and smashing into the opening wave.", "water all over the front of the raft and it looks", "great! i look up to check my drone's proximity to", "the trees behind it and am looking alright, about", "10 feet away.", "the old man is trying to get my attention so my", "face is lit up for his photo. i turn towards him", "into the sun and as i do so, my thumb pulls back", "on my joystick and it darts back about ten feet.", "as i look back to it while telling the man to", "wait, i see my back left rotor clip some leaves.", "not good! all my attention goes to it, and i", "nearly slip off the dry rock i'm stationed on. i", "try to fly forward but it's too late. the leaves", "pull it back into the branch of a sicamore tree", "and it begins a nose dive, 20 feet down, into the", "middle of the rapid.", "down it went, into the white water and sank like", "a stone, never to been seen again. as it sank, so", "did the feeling in my gut. i looked back over to", "see the old man with his camera pointed at my", "face, still giving posing instructions as i stair", "into his lens...", "\"thanks, i got my shot. i like the intensity of", "your expression.\" he said.", "=/\n\nthere goes two paychecks.", "luckily, it did not catch itself and hover in the", "way of a raft. this 800 dollar loss could have", "been a personal injury lawsuit." ]

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[ "as always this did not happen today, but rather", "some 3 months ago.", "it was the first beatiful spring day this year so", "my friends and i decided to go play some", "basketball. the game went on for a little while", "and the sun was shining, everything was well. i", "had noticed that the basketball hoop was rather", "low and was well within my reach (i'm pretty tall", "as well), so i thought it would be a good idea to", "try and jump up to the hoop to see if i can reach", "it and eventually slam with a ball. said and done", "i make my way and jump up to the hoop (without a", "ball) and grab on with just one hand.", "unfortunately i get a bad grip and lose it after", "barely a second, with the speed i had gained i", "fell in an angle which would have made me land on", "my back. but to save the situation i put down", "both my hands as i'm about to land, and they take", "a bad hit. it hurt really bad but i thought some", "ice would help so i got a ride home. but after an", "hour or so the pain and swelling was getting", "worse so my friend drove me to the e.r. at the", "e.r i had my hands/wrists x-rayed and the doctors", "informed me that both my wrists were broken. one", "of them in two places. the doctor could not keep", "a straight face when i told him what had", "happened, and neither could the lady putting a", "cast on on both my hands. clearly the summer was", "off to an amazing start.", "now three months later they are healed but i", "still have some pain in them in certain", "movements." ]

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[ "finished a bathroom update, at long last, now that", "i have some time off work. new tile, new sink,", "new fixtures, very modern, really fancy. some", "hottie from /r/roomporn would probably try to", "bone me if she saw my bathroom.", "yay!", "except... i bought snap off floor bolts in the", "wrong diameter instead of regular bolts at the", "right diameter for the custom toilet i got from a", "local craftsman. little did i notice the lurking,", "creeping fractures when i, exhausted, let my", "weight fall upon my new throne. the groaning,", "creaking, shattering sound was not my bowels", "fellow redditors.", "no, it was the sound of bolts failing, porcelain", "shifting then cracking, ass and balls slapping", "akimbo mid air, and a man landing sideways on the", "floor in a spreading puddle of toilet water", "washing away the wreckage of once-visionary home", "design." ]

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[ "hi there, so just recently i just bought a house", "in a small town in central illinois. i thought it", "would be great to meet the neighbors and have a", "little party in our back yard. i invited over all", "my surrounding neighbors, which is about 10 or so", "people. me and 5 of the guys were having a beer", "around the fire and someone brought up private", "schools, and eventually turned to talk about", "christian schools and how they get better test", "scores. i unconsciously blurted out, \"yeah, but", "you have to watch out what they are being taught", "there. you don't want them to believe that", "evolution isn't real.\" i kind of laughed for a", "second. then all 5 of them tell me about how they", "don't believe evolution is real and gave me", "reasons why. mostly \"where's the missing link.\"", "and \"there's no proof.\" the conversation was", "light, don't get me wrong. it was a casual and", "calm discussion. i mentioned darwin finches and", "dogs evolving from wolves. i mentioned that the", "strictly speaking, a species is different from", "it's common ancestor if they can no longer mate,", "so the evolution of a species is pretty evident", "in that regard. i think my words fell on deaf", "ears that night, and that's ok." ]

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[ "fyi: contrary to other posts this actually", "happened today! im not a native speaker so there", "can be some grammar flaws : ')", "context: i have had my iphone 7 plus since", "november and about one month ago i started to", "think about switching the rear housing to a red", "one (i had a matt black iphone) why i thought", "about switching the rear case was because of the", "red iphone that came out couple of months ago and", "i thought it would have been an easy swap. i", "ordered screwdrivers and and tools that was", "needed for the job and they arrived a week ago.", "it should be noted that i have never disassembled", "an iphone before.", "actual fuck-up: 6 pm (yesterday): so when i got", "all the tools i started to disassemble the phone,", "at first it was quite easy until i hit the first", "set of screws. the screws gave me a hard time", "because the screwdriver didnt fit as i would have", "hoped so this *first* step in the disassemble", "took almost 2 hours.", "10 pm: after the first inital screws of the", "disassemble the teardown went smoothly until i", "needed to transfer the volume buttons, power", "switch and mute switch to the new case. the parts", "to the buttons were so small i couldn't almost", "see them so this part took 1 hour.", "12 am: now the real bad fuck-ups begin. i have", "transferred every component by now but when im", "gonna screw everything back together i notice", "that the screws wasnt in order. (it is very", "important that every screw goes back in the right", "hole)by now im not thinking straight because of", "sleep deprivation. if you dont put back the", "screws in the exact location it can cause damage", "to the motherboard, exactly this happened.", "1 am: in the lack of sleep im too tired to care", "if the screws didnt properly fit so when", "everything was in (almost) good order i assembled", "the phone back together but when i pressed the", "power button the screen got stuck on the apple", "logo. i googled this issue and it turns out that", "it either depends on jailbreak or a hardware", "issue. me not fiddling with software i know it is", "my fuck up not thinking about that the screws", "needed to be put back in the right hole.", "2 am: now im just desperate, in panic i google", "all around the web for a solution but every site", "comes to the conclusion that it is a hardware", "issue, to be specific a motherboard failure. so", "now when im writing this tifu i have a", "disassembled iphone that doesnt function at all.", "i have learned a lesson for life, dont fuck with", "something that works as it should. : ')", "edit: the phone cost $1000 brand new because of", "higher base-price and taxes (i live in sweden)" ]

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[ "alright so of course i'll start with the", "obligatory 'this happened a few years ago'; i was", "super single, incredibly horny, and had extensive", "time on my hands. i didn't know much about reddit", "at the time; just that it was a good place to", "look at cute pictures of animals, and excellent", "memes.", "my friend brad*, however, used reddit for", "everything. brad and i were close friends, and we", "both had obvious crushes on each other but any", "feelings we had for each other were left", "unspoken. as a result, we were constantly doing", "that stupid veiled flirting thing, each one", "trying to subconsciously outdo the other.", "one day brad and i were flirting as usual over", "skype, when he asked if i had ever heard of the", "subreddit 'gonewild'. i told him that i hadn't,", "and he insisted that i had to go check it out and", "that it was super hot (for anyone that is", "currently wondering my sex/sexuality i'm a bi", "female), so i obliged, and goddamn was he right.", "girls of every kind doing every sexy thing you", "could think of. it was definitely my kind of", "place. then i realized something. there was", "pretty much no chance that anyone would ever find", "out pictures on there were of me if i were to", "post. brad included. i didn't really want to", "deceive him; i just wanted to see what he thought", "of my body in all honesty.", "the next morning, the account was up with the", "verification, i had my flair within a few hours,", "and i went right to posting. immediately my inbox", "flooded with comments and messages from strangers", "saying 'baby you're so sexy' and 'i wish i could", "have my hands all over your body'. it was way", "more satisfying than i had ever imagined it to", "be, and i spent hours reading and responding", "before brad got home.", "the second he messaged me, my heart started", "racing. i was so nervous. what would he think?", "would he know? 'hey have you seen /u/________", "(yes, i had a username other than spaces, no you", "may not have it)'s posts? i think they're pretty", "sexy'. he said no, but that he'd go check her", "out. he agreed with me and i felt on top of the", "world. nothing was gonna stop me now.", "over the next few days i posted like crazy. my", "message inbox was flooded beyond belief. one day,", "i saw a notification saying something about a tip", "in bitcoin. now back then, i didn't understand", "much about bitcoin other than that it was", "strictly online, and generally pretty valuable.", "whoever had tipped me had tipped 0.13 bitcoin. i", "knew that bitcoin was supposed to be really", "special, but i didn't really know what i could", "spend it on, so i linked my reddit account to a", "bitcoin account for later, and forgot about it.", "that evening, or perhaps the day after, brad", "messaged me on facebook telling me he needed to", "talk to me about gone wild. he knew. he had to", "know. there was no way he didn't know, and now he", "would hate me and never talk to me again. i", "panicked, immediately navigated to reddit and", "deleted the account. it was gone. i went back to", "messenger, took a deep breath, and read the", "message: 'you should make an account ;)'.", "you know that derp face meme? the 'fuuuuuuuuuu'", "one? yeah that was me. especially when i realized", "i had forgotten to unlink reddit and bitcoin. i", "tried in vain to re access the currency but it", "was gone. i've had a use for it many times since.", "too many uses. as of right this second, if i", "still had that .13 bitcoin, it would be worth", "$535, and whenever someone brings it up i still", "get crap for that. treat money with value guys;", "even if it's strictly virtual value.", "*name changed and all that good jazz" ]

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[ "today something terrible happened to me. i sat", "down on a toilet that had the seat left up by a", "careless negligent male.. me. in my 27 years of", "existence on this planet. i have never done this.", "truthfully, i had always wondered why women got", "so upset over the issue. but, as i plunged", "asshole deep into the ice cold bowl and felt the", "sting of freezing water kiss the back of my sack,", "i came to terms with the treachery in not", "replacing the seat to a down position. i'm now", "working on a livid bruise that doubles as a tramp", "stamp and am conjuring the courage needed to", "admit i was gang raped by germs. in fact, the", "smearing of my fresh butt cheeks down the inner", "bowl not only left my ass covered in enough", "bacteria to cure ebola, but made it to number one", "on my short list of \"things i shouldn't ever do", "again\". all i can think to say to women", "everywhere is. i'm really really really....sorry!" ]

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[ "well today i was removing vines from trees at my", "house in nc. there was this huge one that wasn't", "normal ivy with broad leaves and i was determined", "to take it out. after much effort to remove it", "including taking out the root system i decided to", "move on to pulling the thick vine part off the", "trunk. this vine is on a large pine tree, and", "goes almost halfway up so it was pretty major.", "i couldn't get it off easily so i made many", "attempts to just pull/shake it off with no", "success. at this point i decided the best course", "of action was to swing from the vine like tarzan,", "using my body weight to remove the upper section.", "this included a lot of contact with the vine and", "my bare forearms. after swinging a few times my", "arms felt strange, slightly burning and", "irritated. i suddenly realized my skin was", "alerting me that something was amiss. the", "discomfort grew quickly, and then it dawned on", "me...this was no ordinary vine. turns out it was", "a giant poison ivy vine. i proceeded to yell at", "my wife that i was having an allergic reaction", "and make a small scene (probably over dramatic)", "but getting her to start the shower.", "that incident ended the yard work for the day and", "the damn vine is still attached to the tree,", "leaving me to wait for the allergic reaction that", "i know will come the next day. i am very", "sensitive to poison oak and as a child would get", "intense rashes from small exposures. i grew up in", "california which has no poison ivy and i didn't", "recognize it. i now know what poison ivy looks", "like and will wear a space suit to finish the", "vine off once and for all...", "score:\n \npoison ivy vine -1 me - 0", "update: 12 hours later and my arm is already", "almost completely red and starting to swell...", "[arm](http://i.imgur.com/beslt0i.jpg)" ]

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[ "in early 2013 i had bought my first house. it was", "previously owned by a little old lady who had", "sadly passed - as such the interior was a bit", "dated and worn and i bought with the intention of", "doing it up.", "most of the work i passed over to professionals -", "my own skill with any sort of tool is not great,", "and so i limited myself to small jobs. one of", "these jobs was to replace the door handles of the", "interior doors.", "and here is where my eff up began. i had bought", "some chrome handles to replace the existing ones,", "gathered up all of the tools i needed, took the", "afternoon off work and got to work.", "i started with the toilet stall door. i removed", "the outside handle and backplate with relative", "ease, and also removed the inner thread. the", "inner handle and backplate was harder to remove,", "as the person that had painted the door had also", "painted the backplate, so i had to use a hammer", "and chisel to remove.", "in my efforts to remove them, i pushed the door", "closed. now remember at the start i mentioned", "that i had removed the thread? mistake 1 was that", "i had left the thread on the floor outside.", "mistake 2 was that i had not removed the latch.", "i removed the inner handle in its entirety.", "however, in doing so, the door was now closed.", "with the thread outside, i couldn't get out.", "%^$%!", "what magnified my mistake was that 1) my phone", "was on the kitchen bench downstairs and 2) my", "flatmate, who could have helped get me out, was", "working a 12 hour shift and wasn't due to be back", "for another 5 hours.", "fortunately my house is in a cul de sac which has", "a lot of families with young kids - at that time", "of day i could hear the parents bringing their", "kids back from school through the small window.", "another small bit of fortune was that i had not", "locked my front door. my only chance was to call", "out of the window for help. it took about half an", "hour before someone walked by and i managed to", "get their attention.", "as they walked through the door i could hear the", "young kid say to his mother", "'mummy, why are we going into this mans house?'", "'well, [name], this man has been silly and got", "himself trapped'.", "my saviour put the thread in and i was let out.", "to this day i'll never attempt diy again!" ]

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[ "this was today. so, i rescue cats from local", "shelters and adopt them out. two weeks ago, i", "rescued two young kittens. i don’t know what", "happened to mamma kitteh, but the young ones were", "just a bit young to be weaned. sometimes they", "‘make biscuits’ on my neck or wherever they find", "loose skin. this fact will become important", "shortly.", "well, it’s summer and not a work day, and i went", "out to run a few errands. i get back home pretty", "sweaty, so i strip all the way down to let big", "jim and the twins dry out. so i’m sitting in my", "recliner, killing time on reddit (probably), and", "the two kittens come to me asking for treats,", "which i give them on the arm of my chair. cute.", "then they’re sleepy and decide to nap on my lap.", "also cute. remember that ‘making biscuits’ thing?", "this is when it becomes important. i’m still", "nekkid.", "you see, guys have a lot of loose skin down", "there, especially in hot weather. yeah. they went", "for it. both of them. first one, then the other.", "now, before you start thinking bestiality", "thoughts, remember that young kittehs have very", "sharp teeth and claws. and you know that kneading", "action that they do when they’re making biscuits?", "yeah. my jaws were clenched, my blood pressure", "(probably) went through the roof, and i don’t", "think i blinked for 10 minutes straight. but", "aside from occasionally having to free a", "particularly sensitive strip of flesh from a", "poorly placed claw, i managed to stick it out", "(poor choice of words?) for a full hour until", "they got hungry again and wanted something more", "filling. i figured maybe it would help them", "somehow, seeing as how they were orphaned so", "young." ]

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[ "in true tifu fashion, this happened mid last year.", "a little background first.", "i met this girl june last year and a month later", "we were 'officially' together. things were", "fantastic and we bonded so well. over the months", "preceding the 'incident', i gathered that she had", "had relatively little experience when it came to", "drugs. i myself am not big into the drug scene,", "but at the time i did try pot every now and then.", "we had shared a joint or two in the past, and i", "decided that we should celebrate the end of high", "school by smoking a bong at her house. not my", "brightest idea, as her mother was not a fan of", "any drugs.", "so on that fateful friday, i acquired a bong and", "a pretty strong strain of ganja. her mother was a", "really heavy sleeper so we waited until she fell", "asleep on the sofa and then went out the back", "garden. we lit up, i took two hits and she took", "the same. things seemed okay and we both began to", "feel the effects after about 5 minutes. the", "giggles set in a little and we were good.", "then she stood up, freaked out about getting", "caught, stood still, told me she couldn't see,", "and fucking dropped. i thought she had died then", "and there.", "thankfully i caught her in time and, even while", "stoned, my first aid training kicked in. when i", "laid her down on the ground, her eyes were open", "and she was unresponsive. literally looked dead.", "thankfully she came about quite quickly. it", "didn't end there.", "she started freaking the fuck out. wide-eyed,", "high heart rate and the likes. she was insisting", "that i call an ambulance and get her to the", "hospital. this was a classic white out as she had", "a relatively strong hit compared to her weight", "(i'm 115kg and two hits does it for me, she's", "65kg). i said that she'll be okay, that it wasn't", "anything major. she started shaking violently and", "couldn't muster the strength to sit up from the", "concrete, still insisting on the ambulance. my", "stoned self was starting to panic and she", "continued to insist on the ambulance as her panic", "levels increased. i eventually obliged, certain", "that i was going to be hung, drawn and quartered", "by her mother. the ambulance arrived not too long", "after i called, lights on but siren off (we asked", "them to do this in the phone- legends). i thought", "all was good, but then her dog started to bark in", "the room her mother was sleeping. damnit shadow.", "i went inside to try and shut the dog up. as i", "picked him up and petted him, her mother woke up", "and looked at me. i felt like my soul was being", "torn from my body. i smiled and said i was", "calming the dog down, and she just closed her", "eyes and went back to sleep. phew. i went out the", "back and the paramedics walked through the back", "gate laughing. i explained what happened, and", "they said it was okay and that she will be okay.", "i was relieved but still terrified that her", "mother would wake up to see her only daughter", "being prodded and examined by paramedics. guess", "what? she did.", "i awkwardly said hi, and she asked what was going", "on.", "my heart nearly exploded.", "my girlfriend and i looked at eachother, then to", "the paramedics, we had no idea what they would", "say. then the paramedic, sarah (i will never", "forget that name) said \"just low blood sugar, had", "a bit of a fainting spell. nothing to worry about", "really!\"", "i nearly hugged her, i was so relieved.", "after they left, we all went inside, talked about", "what happened and slept soundly.", "i guess this fuck up had a wholesome, happy", "ending. hopefully a nice change for you guys.", "however, my girlfriend (who i am still with - one", "year and counting!) can never look, smell or", "smoke weed again. even thinking about it makes", "her anxious.", "i had ptsd-like flashbacks for four days after", "the incident. probably won't smoke again.", "edits: better tl;dr and cpr on the english no", "edit2: jeez i go to sleep and wake up with gold.", "thank you kind stranger!", "edit3: guy, i know pot can't kill, calm down" ]

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[ "this just happened and i have given up at this", "point so i won't even bother using a throwaway", "account.", "so a little while back, i had gotten a small", "pimple on my pubic region. at this point, it was", "of no concern to me and thus, i had just decided", "to leave it where it was, hoping that it would", "disappear on it's own.", "as the week went along, the pimple began to grow", "a little larger , untill it actually started to", "irritate me whenever something brushes against", "it.being the stupid teen that i am, i had decided", "to 'pop' the pimple. there was only a little pus", "but there was a lot of blood, thus i decided to", "shower and try to disinfect the wound by using", "antibacterial soap & proceeded to sleep. i woke", "up the next day, showered and changed for school.", "at this point, it wasn't as irritating as before,", "where it would sting whenever i moved. this time,", "the wound would sting whenever i took off my", "undies to use the urinal and such. when i came", "home, i was quite surprised as there was a decent", "amount of blood on my underwear and this had me", "pretty concerned as i was pretty sure at this", "point of time that it looks infected.", "the fuck up occured when i decided to use a", "bandaid/plaster, to prevent an infection. being", "the idiot that i am,i had not thought of shaving", "my pubic hair before applying it and had stuck it", "there without a second thought. while it has been", "comfortable and less of an annoyance when i go to", "school and the gym, i am now afraid to remove it", "as it hurts like crap , which means that i am", "unable to check the condition of the wound.", "my classmates use reddit so if this gets to the", "front page, i will live in shame for the next", "three years as my username is pretty telling." ]

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[ "unlike most tifu this actually just happened. it", "is around 3:30am where i live. just as i'm about", "to enjoy a nice youtube binge watch before", "falling asleep i notice a black spot on my", "ceiling. being someone who has white walls and", "white ceilings this could only mean one of two", "things. either i knocked something into my", "ceiling or... well it was the second thing.", "a fucking spider.... naturally of all places of", "my room to chill in it agrees that my bed is the", "best. well there goes any chance of me sleeping", "tonight. normally staying up all night would be", "alright but seeing as i actually had to show up", "to work tomorrow that wasn't an option. after", "staring at it hoping it would finally leave after", "deciding my collection of vinyls and other", "hipster shit is too much for him. apparently he", "enjoys the decembrists and starbucks coffees as", "much as i do.", "finally i decided i needed to take action, i grab", "an old guitar catalog in my bookshelf and decide", "this will be the perfect weapon,since i have", "fairly high ceilings the only way to go in for", "the kill would be standing on my bed. just as i", "was about to go all seal team 6 on this spider i", "realized that i'm not the most graceful person", "and there's a good chance i might manage to hurt", "myself.", "in the end i decided i needed to be my own hero.", "i take one giant step for mankind onto my bed and", "boom i smash the spider and just as i'm moving", "the book it made one last leap of faith towards", "me. as you can imagine i freaked out and fell off", "my bed landing perfectly on the side of my foot", "then twisting and smashing my knee into the metal", "bed frame. so here i sit on the floor trying to", "hold back tears as i try to reassure to myself", "that i did not just break my foot. thankfully i", "decide i'm alright until the adrenaline starts to", "wear off and i realize my foot is throbbing like", "hell. as i hold back tears i realize i just", "destroyed what little dignity i had left and", "managed to just make my fear of spiders worse by", "adding a new found fear of beds." ]

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[ "surprisingly this actually happened today", "ok so background. i'm in india for the last bit", "of summer vacation, and about to leave for my", "home, stopping off in dubai (which is very", "exciting for me). as one would expect, india is", "very hot (especially for a guy used to milder", "weather), which means i'm constantly thirsty (i", "dehydrate easily). now onto the fuck up.", "so i've just woken up and am now eating", "breakfast, with me being the only person at the", "table, and the only person not taking a shower at", "the time. given that i haven't had water since i", "went to sleep, i'm super thirsty. so in india,", "water either has to be boiled or put through", "filtration systems to be potable, which means", "that having super hot boiling water randomly", "lying around in unmarked containers is totally", "normal. after calling for a relative to get water", "and getting no response, i (not knowing where the", "purified water tap is) decide to grab an unmarked", "metal bottle of water. i touch the bottom to make", "sure it's not super hot or anything, and it's", "absolutely fine. at this point i went to open it,", "noting that the cap was strangely warm. eh it was", "probably just washed, i thought. i pick up the", "bottle and begin chugging. first fuckup. the", "water was so hot it didn't feel like anything at", "first. then the waves of pain started flooding", "in. keep in mind i've chugged it, so my mouth and", "throat are filled with boiling water.", "instinctively, i spit it all out. second fuckup.", "not only does the water make contact with my", "clothes, burning my mosquito bite covered legs,", "but it splashes all over the tile floor, though", "that's not relevant quite yet. i scream, as one", "naturally would, given that my mouth, tongue and", "throat have skill been sous vide seared medium", "rare. i whirl around, looking for any source of", "(preferably safe) cold water. third fuckup. so in", "india, most dining rooms tend to have a faucet", "out in the open, which was almost the case here.", "in this specific house, the faucet was separated", "from the dining room by a single doorway, in this", "case a raised doorway about an inch off the", "ground. i see the faucet and sprint for it,", "slipping on the previously spilled water and", "slamming my right foot right into the wooden", "raised part of the doorway, with such force that", "it left a dent, and tripping me. i face planted", "onto the hard tile floor, chipping one of my", "front teeth. at this point i kinda just numbed up", "from the pain and semi lost consciousness. at", "this point my toe is pretty badly bruised and the", "toe is jammed, my tooth has a (minor) chip, and", "my mouth and throat feel like i've been", "deepthroating a ghost pepper. to make things", "worse, my sense of taste is completely gone, so i", "probably won't be able to properly experience", "nusr-et in dubai." ]

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[ "this story takes place about a week ago and i only", "now can laugh about it enough to post about it.", "i am currently in the philippines on business and", "one of my local counterparts suggested we go out", "on a night on the town. we were charged with", "taking some clients on a night on the town. cool", "i thought, dinner , drinks & maybe some karaoke.", "well little did i know that i was in for a night", "that i would not forget.", "the night started out with dinner. found a good", "peruvian resto which was amazing. the chef, who", "was peruvian like me mentioned we should check", "out a local strip club that has midget boxing.", "midgets, boxing and strippers. how could i not", "say yes. he gave us the address, some over the", "counter viagra he got at 7-11 called robust and", "off we went.", "we get to the place and it’s exactly what you", "expect a strip club in a red light district at 2", "am to be. fucking awesome. we sit down in a", "really dark corner and instantly we are swarmed", "with some the prettiest girls i have seen here.", "about 20 min in, i stand up to use the bathroom", "and accidentally woke up one the little guys that", "i didn’t even realize was sleeping in the same", "booth. well, dude was pretty hyped up and started", "waking up the other guy. i don’t know what was", "said but next thing i know my name is being", "called over the speakers to get in ring to", "referee. was i gonna say no? fuck no. that would", "be stupid. i’m sure 90% of you reading this would", "say yes.", "the bell rings and the 2 little dudes start their", "sparring match. i’m in the ring enjoying myself", "when suddenly the robust kicks in. without going", "to much into detail, the rest of the round was", "incredibly awkward. so here i am, referring a", "midget boxing match with a semi chubb , doing my", "best to hide it, and of course my buddies take a", "pic which i will share. (can’t see much chubb but", "it’s there). so anyway , one the boxers realizes", "this and starts pointing at it like a joke. i", "embarrassedly get out of the ring and leave the", "club. leaving my buds with the tab, dick move i", "know.", "after about 15 mins, my friend meet me outside", "and they decide that to make it up to them, i am", "paying for the first 3 rounds of karaoke. we ask", "where the closest karaoke place is and lucky it", "was right beside the bar. cool. well when we walk", "in we notice it’s full of ladyboys. we are at a", "lady boy bar. alright , whatever. i’m comfortable", "enough with myself. this will be a blast i", "thought. well the only blast i had was the sound", "of 3 girls (guys??) rushing me out. see the song", "i chose to sing was my way by sinatra. i had no", "idea that there was a jinx about that song here", "in the philippines. so here i am , getting", "escorted out and just when i thought things", "couldn’t get worse, the robust kicks back in. at", "this point the clients had left for the hotel and", "found out the next day that they will be choosing", "another team to help them out." ]

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[ "this actually happened today. this morning i was", "cooking porkchops and noticed they tasted a", "little off but me being the idiot me, i didn't", "care. i proceed to finish them and go to walmart", "to get some shit. as i'm entering the doors i", "notice that my stomach starts aching really bad,", "so i quickly bought my stuff and went to the", "washroom. here's the part where i fucked up.", "i started to shit with the fury of ten thousand", "suns and my asshole was burning. i was also", "vomiting really bad so i instantly thought it was", "the pork chops for some reason. my shit storms", "kept going for literally another good 3-4 hours", "before i could leave and my entire right side of", "my stomach was throbbing in sharp pain.", "i leave to go home and take a nap assuming that", "i'd be better after the nap.", "oh i was so wrong.", "i woke up feeling like complete shit and the", "sharp pain in my side turned into a complete", "stabbing pain and i basically vomited all over my", "room much to my girlfriends horror. i decided to", "nut up and go to the doctors and they told me i", "had appendicitis and needed an appendectomy", "immediately because my appendix was the size of a", "small volleyball and was about to rupture any", "second now.", "i underwent the procedure which took about 30", "minutes i think, and i am currently in hospital.", "i'll be able to get up in a couple of hours and", "i'll be able to leave in the morning. definitely", "still feeling like shit but feeling a lot better", ":)", "update: just left the hospital feeling much", "better. thanks for all your kind wishes! :)" ]

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[ "as is customary, this fuckup happened about a", "month and a half ago.", "it was the weekend. i wanted to just relax and", "not think about the world for a bit. i took a 6", "pack with me into the shower (eventually bath,", "then shower again) and ended up lounging there", "listening to netflix in the other room long", "enough to down the entire sixer.", "when i went to get out, my legs had fallen most", "of the way asleep. i was ever-so-tipsy. the", "shower mat was crumpled up. my least favorite", "episode of futurama had started playing. i took", "one step out of the shower and slam! right into", "the toilet, crushing the cistern, flooding the", "bathroom and causing what would eventually become", "very apparent bodily harm. i stumbled to an", "upright position and eventually regained the", "presence of mind to turn off the water to the", "toilet.", "at this point i did something that made sense at", "the time, but which no reasonable person would", "ever actually do. rather than put all my towels", "on the floor, i spread out the two towels in the", "room and proceeded to fetch a bag of kitty litter", "from the garage and pour it all over the bathroom", "floor.", "it didn't help much.", "i decide at this point to just set up a couple", "fans in the doorway for airflow and go to bed.", "some hours later, at a ghastly hour of the", "morning i was awoken by an equally ghastly pain", "in my knee. i reached down instinctively to grab", "it, and the slightest contact revealed that", "(a. my knee had swollen to approximately 3 times", "its usual size", "(b. the slightest brush of the sheet against it", "caused agonizing pain", "and (c. that in moving my uppor body like that, i", "discovered an equally hideous pain in my abdomen.", "after lying there in pain for what felt like", "hours, but was likely minutes, i managed to grab", "my walking stick from beside the bed and flip on", "the light. the color of purple that dominated my", "knee and stomach was something out of a horror", "film, and what was worse, i could feel a huge", "knot forming on my stomach where the point of", "impact must have been.", "eventually i manged to fall back to sleep, and", "spent the next few days trying to keep the knee", "elevated and treated with ibuprofen. i ended up", "taking the next day off to go to the er, as the", "bruising seemed to be spreading and not healing.", "i explained the story to the er staff. there's no", "point in lying, they've heard much stupider shit.", "i told the admissions nurse that i thought the", "bruising was \"severe\" and that i was worried", "about more serious internal bleeding. i showed", "her, and her immediate response was", ">pff! ... .... pffhahahahaha....that's-that's not", "severe. don't worry.", "comforting. eventually it was confirmed that", "there was no permanent damage other than to my", "toilet. my kneecap was probably shattered but it", "would heal on its own if i stayed off of it.", "satisfied with this answer, i returned to my", "daily life for about a week until i noticed an", "unpleasant development: all the blood from my", "knee bruise had, pulled by gravity, seeped into", "the interstitial space of my leg. my right calf", "had ballooned to twice its regular size, and felt", "like an overstuffed sausage.", "fortunately, another few days of elevation and", "relaxation saw the blood disperse and the leg", "return to normal." ]

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[ "come home after school. i walk in to be hit with", "the strongest smell of smoke. i turn the corner", "to see my mom and sister fanning out the", "microwave. fuck. my sister put her noodles in the", "microwave without the water. the top of the", "noodles are black and smells like ass and fire. i", "take it outside.", " ", "two hours later, it still reeks horribly. we've", "tried fanning it all out and turning on anything", "with a motor in the house. the inside of the", "microwave has been thoroughly cleaned with citrus", "juice. but the smell prevails.", " ", "suddenly, i remember this thing i read about", "realtors online. i've heard they put caps of", "vanilla in the oven at low temperatures and it", "makes the house smell like a cake. it doesn't", "take much, i figure, but lord almighty. this", "microwave smells like a smoker's grey areas. so i", "add in a little extra... maybe not a little,", "maybe like a few tablespoons.", " ", "i set it in the microwave and put it on high for", "30 seconds. it starts bubbling and steaming and", "wow- the smell is fading away! the clock stops", "and i get an idea: let's steam the vanilla and", "keep the microwave door closed. just like", "steaming the mucus out of your nose with a hot", "shower. so i add 30 more seconds.", " ", "i watch it spin and then- boom. the glass bowl", "leaps to the top of the microwave and tablespoons", "of delicious vanilla napalm (/r/bandnames) spray", "on the walls. i leapt back and prayed i didn't", "break the glass bowl in it.", " ", "in the end, i cleaned it out and it still smelled", "like ass, but with a hint of delicious vanilla.", " ", "[the aftermath (after a little", "cleaning)](https://m.imgur.com/ercpn9x,u6mzqvc)" ]

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[ "i originally posted this in /r/starcitizen, also", "this happened earlier this year.", "me and my girlfriend of 2 months were still", "getting to know each other and in the beginning", "our relationship was going pretty well. i put on", "a 'cool'/relatable sort of persona around her and", "was constantly trying to impress her but the more", "she saw me playing pc games and talking about my", "interests e.g. star citizen, she quickly got", "frustrated and turned off by it. whenever i'd", "mention anything video game related she would", "change the subject and act uninterested.", "a few weeks of this pass until i suggest we have", "a talk about the issue and we ended up deciding", "the best idea was to show her what i was so", "excited about.", "naturally i went to the star citizen youtube", "channel and clicked on the latest video, which", "was the referral program video.", "(https://youtu.be/xiyk7u2jq90)[link to the video", "we watched] we sit on her bed in an awkward", "silence while the borderline 80's porno music", "plays and two cyborg-like black spandex suit", "humanoids tilt their heads around. i felt so much", "shame my face must of been completely red.", "i still to this day have no idea why i didn't", "close the video, i was paralysed with", "embarrassment awkwardly laughing while she just", "sat there looking disappointed.", "then the star kitten bit comes up. i don't", "remember how far we got in but the look on her", "face was like a switch went off in her head. she", "was acting off the rest of our time together", "until i went back home in the morning and she", "dumped me that night. she has been ghosting me", "ever since." ]

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[ "over the past month i've been talking to this girl", "who was an exchange student at my school. someone", "i know traveled to meet her, and somehow i came", "up in conversation, and this girl said i was hot.", "she added me on social media and we basically", "started talking. i was very flattered of what she", "thought of me and i thought she was pretty too,", "and i told her that, and it went on from there. a", "few days later, my friend told me that this girl", "has a boyfriend and has had one for almost three", "years (and may consider breaking up with him) but", "regardless i kept talking to her, and eventually,", "just as stupidly easily as always, i fell for", "her. weeks pass by and this goes on, and we're", "both into each other, and both making plans to", "see each other in the distant future. yesterday,", "she came back from vacation and met up with her", "boyfriend whom she'd been on a break with, and", "\"recovered together.\" today, she told me she has", "a boyfriend, after over a month of talking and", "apparently forgetting to tell me. even though", "i've known for a while, it still stings, and even", "though i barely know her, i still wish i could", "have had the chance to be with her, even if this", "outcome is probably for the better." ]

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[ "so this happened last summer but i went back to", "the same import market today and was reminded of", "my fuck up.", "this particular asian import market is huge. no,", "seriously guys, it's enormous. and they have", "everything. in house butchers, fresh fish, huge", "frozen sections, import snacks and sauces and", "noodles and cooking utensils and everything you", "could need or want and the prices are great. i go", "there because one, i love to cook and they've got", "some great stuff but two, they're the only place", "in town where i can get fresh organ meat and", "whole fish for my tegu.", "anyway, after i check out and i'm ready to leave,", "i look over to the left and see that they have", "this juicer thing, but it's for making fresh", "sugar cane juice. i'm always up to try new things", "so i get a small glass, i think it was only 12", "oz, and take a sip as i walk out the door.", "oh my good lord this is amazing!!! sweet nectar", "of the gods, where have you been all my", "life?!?!?!", "but yeah, it was really good. just, so good you", "guys... ice cold and pure sweet deliciousness,", "but not the kind of sweet that makes your teeth", "hurt. the kind that makes you smile and want", "more. and more.", "so i hop in the car and am headed home and i have", "that drink finished pretty quickly. radio is on,", "life is good, and soon i'm about a mile from home", "when it happens.", "i need to throw up. i need to", "ineedtothrowuprightthefucknow!!! hand over my", "mouth, i frantically look for somewhere to pull", "over, crank it left and jump across three lanes", "into some catholic school's parking lot, complete", "with 30+ kids playing on the jungle gym. they're", "treated to the image of a truck screeching to a", "halt in their parking lot, car door open before", "i'm stopped, and a goddamn firehouse of bitter", "sweet liquid throw up splattering all over the", "yellow lines.", "it took a minute...", "when i finally caught by breath and regained my", "composure, i quickly surmised that my body had", "most likely hated my recent attempt at instant", "diabetes and so had rejected that pure liquid", "cane sugar the only way it knows how. afterwards,", "i was completely fine. no stomach ache, no", "nothing. but damn if that out of nowhere,", "immediate need to vomit *while driving* wasn't", "kinda scary. would i drink that stuff again? oh", "hell yes. guys, it is so good! would i do it in", "very small sips over a much longer time period?", "preferably while not operating a 2000 lb vehicle?", "also yes. otherwise i fear the next time my body", "will just be like, \"oh what's that? you didn't", "learn your lesson last time? well fine then. just", "have the diabetes, see if i care...\"" ]

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[ "ok, it wasn't today. back in ancient times, before", "cell phones and the internet was just a gleam in", "its daddy's eyes, i was working hard to get to", "know this woman in one of my college classes.", "humanities in science or something like that, all", "my classes had something to do with science.", "anyway, she had everything going that i wanted,", "mentally as well as physically, but back then i", "was a total moron around women (as opposed to", "only mostly a moron today, after finding a woman", "who'd say 'yes' to my proposal) and didn't", "understand how to move beyond friendly", "conversation in class and getting her phone", "number to try and make things go further. anyway,", "we'd been chatting a whole lot in class and she", "was very friendly and was probably telling me in", "the typical obvious-to-women non-verbal way she", "would like to take it further, but i was to", "idiotic to pick up the ball and run with it.", "enough backstory. we're in class and the teacher", "has some sort of movie going (you know, on", "celluloid, where you can barely hear the sound", "over the projector's racket). i've been partially", "deaf since a teenager when i blew out both my ear", "drums (oxy-acetylene balloons should not be made", "with garbage bags!) and when the ambient noise", "reaches a certain level, i can't make any sense", "of speech. thus, i've learned to smile and nod at", "people's attempt to communicate. you can guess", "where this is going now...", "with the racket of the projector, along with her", "low-voiced efforts to communicate without drawing", "the teacher's ire, i couldn't make any sense of", "this woman's conversation. i'd look at the", "screen, turn to her, smile and nod, go back to", "the screen, repeat.", "until one time i turn back and she is mad as", "hell. she never spoke to me afterwards, never sat", "near me, and completely ignored me. wtf did i", "'say' by smiling and nodding? i've wonder about", "this a lot (close to 30 years now, i guess). what", "could she have said/asked/whatever where smiling", "and nodding was the diametrically opposite, most", "evil, hitlerian thing to respond with? i wish i", "knew her name (terrible with them) so maybe if", "she read this she'd tell me what happened. if you", "do, you were probably around 5'5\", slim,", "athletic, and with lovely long dark brown hair.", "it was virginia tech. we used to talk about david", "eddings belgariad and mallorean books." ]

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[ "today i fucked up by chasing my cat,", "so today after coming back from the movie theatre", "(saw spider homecoming great movie) we went out", "for dinner and everything was nice, it was a", "lovely day, then when we got home, my mom asked", "me to bring my cat inside so i tried to go up to", "her and pick her up but she ran away from me. so", "i ran after her for like 2 minutes, around the", "yard across the street whatever, and then she", "runs up on the porch. i run after her and slip on", "the carpet that was on the door step, fall break", "my arm and give myself a huge ass cut on my lower", "leg. my mom flips out and rush me to the", "hospital, doctor tells me i broken my arm. and", "now i'm in a cast for 6 weeks and had to get", "stitches." ]

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[ "this all happened a few hours ago. on mobile so", "excuse my formatting.", "i'm rv camping with my dad and we decided to go", "for a long walk down the beach. it's fairly", "chilly out so i put on a sweater with a big pouch", "pocket (this is relevant later on). as we're on", "our way out, i grab the keys to the rv and put", "them in this pocket.", "about 30 minutes into this walk, we start seeing", "this kelp all over the beach. me, being the", "teenager i am, grab one and start spinning in", "circles while whipping it around. i did this a", "few times until i eventually fell over because i", "got so dizzy. at the time i didn't think anything", "of the keys in my loose sweater pocket.", "we continue our walk, but by the 6 km mark, i'm", "ready to turn around. my dad decides to keep", "going, so i'm on my own. since i would have a", "while at the campsite, my dad decided to give me", "my phone out of his backpack. all is fine and we", "part ways.", "around 100 steps in, i reach for my phone and", "realize that i couldn't feel my keys in that", "pocket. at first i just thought i dropped them", "where i stopped, so i went back and checked. no", "luck. at this point i'm starting to freak out", "because i needed those rv keys.", "after a few more looks, i begin my journey back", "to the campsite. that entire walk, i was feeling", "like such an idiot for letting myself lose the", "keys. eventually i make it back to the rv, where", "i had to wait 3 hours in the cold, for my dad to", "come back with his set of keys.", "i'm pretty sure i dropped the keys when i was", "throwing the kelp around. unfortunately the tide", "was coming in, so they probably got washed out to", "sea.", "moral of the story, make sure you put your", "valuables somewhere they can't fall out.", "edit: grammar" ]

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[ "first-time poster to the sub and as many of the", "posts here this technically didn't happen today", "but last year, halloween 2016.", "so last year halloween fell on a monday, and due", "to my work schedule, i was unable to do anything", "on halloween night. in lieu of this, my friends", "and i decided to plan an outing the friday", "before. one of my buds', let's call him t, was", "dating a young lady who was working at the los", "angeles haunted hayride out in griffith park and", "she offered us a friend-&-family discount if we", "showed up and mentioned her name. we figured it", "would be something to do, as none of us could", "afford to go to some fancy hollywood party.", "so prior to the event t invites us over to his", "house to hang out/eat dinner prior to carpooling", "over to the event. we also decided to smoke a", "little weed before going, as it would make the", "event more fun. at the time, i should note, i had", "not heard what the theme of the event was, but", "from what t's lady friend was telling me it was", "supposed to be some sort of carnival theme.", "so we're on the road to the hayride and i'm", "chilling in the backseat of my roommates car who", "was driving us, lets call him r. we're listening", "to npr and each trying to mimic the average npr", "host recounting a story, but to a more comedic", "effect. i'm giggling my ass off as the euphoria", "is kicking in and not really thinking about where", "we're going.", "we arrive at the event and find parking near the", "main entrance to the carnival grounds. we mention", "the lady's name and we get a discount (score!)", "and walk in. this is when i notice that this", "isn't just some carnival with a haunted hayride,", "but the entire place is a haunted carnival", "featuring clowns... lots and lots of clowns.", "now, i don't like clowns, never have, but i", "genuinely try to not hold my childhood fears", "against people who make balloon animals and", "attempt to make people laugh. but these weren't", "those types of clowns.", "at this point, i'm trying my damnedest to not", "show my fear, but the mix of my own anxiety and", "the drug-induced paranoia is not making things", "any easier. we slowly make our way to the line", "for the hayride, passing various clowns that seem", "to have sprung from my darkest fears.", "finally, we make it to the line for the hayride", "which is surprisingly long. we stand in line for", "what feels like 30 minutes and we get maybe", "halfway to the front of the line when i see her.", "this... short person (i couldn't tell with", "makeup) dressed up like a little clown girl who", "is holding a fire ax and staring at me. this", "clown-girl locks eyes with me and she starts to", "grin and skip towards me in the strangest way", "possible, twirling the ax with glee. i... i can't", "stop watching and i'm sort of immobilized at this", "point due to fear and, well, weed. needless to", "say, the clown-girl comes right up to the line", "and stands just a few feet away from me, not once", "unlocking her gaze on me. the line moves and she", "moves with it. i'm not having a good time.", "i think the clown-girl caught on because she", "eventually wandered off to creep on someone else,", "but the damage is done at this point. my paranoia", "is running deep. i can see clowns everywhere,", "each with their weapons and gleeful", "expressions... this is my nightmare.", "i suddenly have the deathly urge to pee, not sure", "where it came from, but i tell my friends to hold", "my spot in line (for some odd reason) while i", "wander off to find the bathroom. stategically", "avoiding all the clowns, i made my way to an", "attendant -not- dressed up and ask them where to", "find the bathroom. the attendant points me a", "bathroom not far from the entrance to the", "carnival grounds and my short trip begins.", "the bathroom is actually a collection of", "bathrooms (like a building of bathrooms) between", "one of the parking lots and the carnival grounds.", "i trot over and find an unused bathroom to use", "and go in. it's at this exact point that my mind", "goes into some sort of 'cinematic' mode, not", "sure. the bathroom looks like one of those", "rest-stop bathrooms you see in horror films (like", "reststop for example), complete with a flickering", "light. i wizz and take a moment to collect myself", "before venturing back into the clown-infested", "carnival. i knew it would be scary for me, but i", "figured why not face my fears? who knows, it may", "help me in the long run.", "so i open the door to the outside world... only", "to be greated by a clown. now, thinking back this", "was probably just one of the actors/actresses'", "using the bathroom on their break, but in my", "current state of mind all i see in front of me is", "a killer clown. i let out a shriek and run past", "'em. i'm no longer in", "'hey-lets-go-to-a-fun-halloween-event-and-be-merr", "y'", "mode, i'm in survival mode.", "i flee down the road, past the parking lots and", "follow the lights leading me down from the top of", "griffith park. to most that may not know the", "area, it's a somewhat forested and hilled area of", "town that has hiking trails and even an old zoo.", "i'm sprinting at this point thinking i'm being", "hunted by killer clowns running by small groups", "of people who probably think i'm nuts.", "i make it to the bottom of a hill and it's at", "this point i think i'm safe, but suddenly i", "realize i have no freakin' clue where i am. there", "are no lights in this area and i'm walking down", "some road with no destination in sight. at this", "point, i've given up on returning to the carnival", "grounds as i figure it would be too late for me", "to make it to the event, and even if i did my", "friends would probably just mock me for", "chickening out. i pull out my phone (11% battery,", "fyi) to get a lyft, but the wifi is preventing", "them from finding my location.", "ugh. okay, new plan.", "i open google maps to try to locate my position", "and it gives me a vague reading but i believe i", "know the general area of where i am and if i only", "follow this one road it should lead me to a main", "road in which i can call a car. so i start", "jogging down this hill in pitch black trying to", "find the main road and am not seeing any cars or", "people at all, which is fairly strange this this", "seems like it would be a popular event. this all", "doesn't add up so i decide to reopen google maps", "and double check. well, my phone is now at 5%", "since i kept google maps on. fuck. okay, lets", "run.", "i'm running down hill and i see an intersection", "of sorts coming up, so sprint towards it and open", "my phone up to call the lyft. boom i think i'm", "home free, right?", "3%. i get a call from the lyft driver saying he", "is where my dot is, but doesn't see me. i don't", "see him either, so we try to figure it out.", "2%. he tells me that i may be on a one way road", "and that he will have to circle back to find me,", "so i decide to double back and go back up the", "hill towards where i think he is.", "1% i went the wrong way.", "so now my phones dead, i'm in the middle of a", "dark road that i've never been in and i have a", "lyft driver trying to find me. this is a horror", "movie.", "i give up on the lyft driver and go back to my", "original plan of going downhill to find a main", "road, thinking this is my best guess and low and", "behold i see a car. not the car that my lyft", "driver was said to be driving, but a different", "one. i decide not to run past them because then", "it'll just look weird, so i slow it down to a", "walk, trying my best not to look like a freaked", "out stoner.", "too late. the car drives passed me and pulls off", "to the side of the road. in my fear, i think that", "maybe, just maybe, there is a possibility that", "clown-girl can drive. then suddenly a woman's", "voice says, \"hey... you okay?\"", "i decide not to be creepy and yell back, \"yeah,", "but i'm kind of lost.\" the woman calls me over to", "the car, and i slowly walk. i figure i probably", "look creepy out here all by myself so i alert her", "in my most friendly voice, \"oh, by the way, i'm", "not like a serial killer or anything.\"", "-.- greeeeaaaat idea, high me.", "thankfully she doesn't drive away immediately,", "but her friend (another girl) gets out of the car", "to watch me closely. she asks, \"so like, what are", "you doing out here?\"", "i decide that it's best to just be honest and", "maybe they can get me out of this. \"i'm stoned", "and afraid of clowns and got lost outside the", "haunted hayride, \" i tell them. the two bust up", "laughing and offer me a ride back up the hill,", "since they were going that way. i told them that", "i didn't want to go back into the carnival", "(obviously), but if they'd just drop me off at", "the top of the hill, i could probably figure", "something out. they obliged and they did, only", "for me to find the lyft driver still searching", "for me along the way.", "i thanked the ladies immensely, and got my lyft", "driver to take me home. finally entering my", "apartment and after charging my phone for a bit", "in the lyft, i get a call from r asking me where", "i was because they just made it to the front of", "the hayride line. i was lost for about 30", "minutes." ]

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[ "i eat cardboard, i don't like it or anything i", "just eat it. sometimes i spit it out and trash it", "sometimes i don't.", "today while i was chewing on a box my left ear", "started itching so like the absolute genius i am", "i decided 'i'll put some of the cardboard i'm", "chewing on in my ear, that'll help! after i", "realised my immediate mistake i tried to pull it", "out with a pair of tweezers i keep on my desk. i", "kept going at it for about five minutes. my left", "ear doesn't hurt when i go too deep into it", "whether it be tweezers, q-tips or anything. so i", "didn't realise that i already got all of the", "cardboard out and was just stabbing at my ear.", "while i was doing this i remembered that little", "factoid and realised i was just destroying my", "ear. now i can barely hear anything out of my", "left ear." ]

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[ "so this happened a few hours ago.", "i was at work and i’ve had an itchy eye for a few", "days. i was standing scratching and pulling at", "the eye talking to a colleague until he said that", "i should go and look in the mirror.", "i went to the bathroom and my eye was red, like", "blood red.", "i rinsed it out and pulled my eyelid down to see", "for grit, washed out a bit of gunk from my eye no", "big deal, then i saw it, a piece of plastic in my", "eye.", "i thought “shit i’ve left a contact in” so i", "started grabbing at it and pulling, it moved", "across to the side of my pupil and i tried to", "pull it out, wouldn’t budge.", "i tried to slide it further across to my pupil", "and i felt it, pulling at my iris and my vision", "went blurry like looking through vaseline.", "it wasn’t a contact, it wasn’t plastic, it was", "fluid... under the surface of my eye and now it", "was bulging up against my iris.", "i panicked and tried to push it back to the", "corner of my eye and it hurt, it wouldn’t move", "and it started to leak thick liquid.", "i ran to my buddy and said “ahh i think i broke", "my eye” he couldn’t stand to look and suggested", "a&e but i said i would just cold compress and", "finish the shift.", "some googling later i came to realise it’s a", "conjunctival cyst, basically an eye blister", "caused by all the scratching earlier and i had", "expanded it over my whole sclera.", "it’s been 6 hours since and while it’s still", "sore, feels like my eye is under huge pressure,", "it’s not as bad and the cyst looks a bit deflated", "now.", "edit - slightly nsfw photo of my eye a few hours", "later", "https://gyazo.com/38a71ec3144dfb55ea04fb9e5bc542e", "c" ]

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[ "since my apartment has recently become infested", "with small, unyielding flies, i acquired a strip", "of fly paper from a friend and decided to hang it", "up right in the center of my kitchen. because", "the ceilings are relatively high and my stature,", "relatively, isn't, i had to hop on my counter in", "order to reach. i made mistake of pulling the", "adhesive ribbon all the way out *before* i jumped", "from my step stool (i'm still a man) onto the", "counter. the jarring nature of my ascension", "combined with the way i was holding the flypaper", "(imagine rafiki with simba) made the questionably", "flimsy ribbon lunge at me and become entwined in", "my armpit hair.", "after realizing my countertop wasn't the safest", "place to deal with my dilemma of entanglement, i", "hopped down and took a seat in my recliner, which", "has high armrests, which my arms are always", "resting on. after a few seconds (i'm not that", "hairy) of pain-staking removal, i was freed from", "the snares of the fly devourer.", "i decided that the cosmic humor of the situation,", "matched with it's equally depressing", "circumstances best deserved to be appreciated", "with some weed. as you would imagine, after my", "ordeal and the weed, i was pretty tuckered out,", "so i dozed off in my chair for an unknown amount", "of time, with my arms propped up on the arm rest", "and when i woke up, i went into my bathroom and", "saw that it looked like i was bleeding a little", "bit under my upper arm. after closer", "examination, i saw that the blood wasn't from me,", "it was from a fly that got stuck to some adhesive", "that was still in my armpit hair and then been", "smushed when i got up.", "stldr; the hunter was caught by his own trap,", "only to become a trap himself." ]

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[ "tifu by no securing the ladder i was working on.", "well it wasn't today it was a week ago while i", "was at work .", "it went something like this, i work as an", "electrician for a living, and last week a", "coworker and i were finishing up on an arts and", "crafts shop where we were setting up some brand", "new led lamps.", "we were all done exept for some wire that needed", "to be set up for the main line that would feed", "the lamps it would have taken us like 30 to 45", "minutes tops.", "but stupid me i was so anxious to be done and", "wasn't paying much attention to what i was doing,", "so i set up the ladder that i had to climb up a", "good 10 ft but it was upside down where the non", "slip was on top and metal at the bottom.", "well kids as you know aluminum on the tile is", "very slippery so as soon i was up there and put a", "little force on it,  it went flying back with me", "on top i ended up on the floor and as i was", "falling a metal  hook  from the displays below", "caught me on the jaw.", "i ended up with a nasty cut that needed stitches", "also i fell on muy left side skinning my elbow", "and chipping my teeth also breaking  two ribs", "because i fell on the railing of the ladder still", "in bed recovering.", "so take it from me kiddies and always be aware of", "what you are doing  at all times be safe because", "nothing is the same after an accident." ]

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[ "this did actually happen today!", "about 5:30 this morning i was awakened from", "falling asleep on my couch to the sound of wings", "beating against the ceiling. i assumed it was a", "moth but realized it was too loud. take off the", "blanket to find a bat trying to find a hole in", "the ceiling while my cat ran underneath it.", "the bat landed, apparently exhausted, on top on", "the railing of the blinds. i didn't think i could", "do anything with the cat trying to kill it, so i", "grabbed him and locked him in the bedroom. i", "looked up the number of animal control.", "here's where the fu came. i didn't call them. i", "figured \"it's just a bat, i'll get a broom and", "force it out\". i got a broom and poked the bat", "until it started flying circles around the room.", "i popped open the sliding door and waited for it", "to leave. it flew in circles apparently unable", "to find it.", "long story short, a cell phone video, some", "lights, and using a dustpan as a face shield", "later, the door was opened all the way and my", "flying visitor left.", "as we do, i posted a gif about the whole thing", "and laughed, until a kind redditor suggested i", "call my doctor anyway. now, 6 shots later (both", "biceps, both thighs, and both buttocks) i'm", "vaccinated for rabies and packing up my cat to", "get his booster. oh, and i have to get 3 more", "shots over 2 weeks." ]

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[ "gunna apologize now im on my phone right now so", "formatting will be shite.", "today i did the dishes, there were lots of pots", "and pans that were crusty so i decided to turn", "the water on and plug the sink to let it fill.", "while that was going on i decided to go to the", "bathroom where i sat on the porcelain throne for", "a good half hour watching youtube and browsing", "reddit, all the while i'd forgotten the running", "water. i come back down and my dogs have walked", "through the water tracking dirt and loose hair", "everywhere while the kitchen was now a mire of", "about two inches of water with a pool forming by", "the basement door. in a panic i ran to the", "neighbors house to borrow towels, on my way back", "i tripped up the cement staircase leading to my", "home cutting my elbow and scratching both of my", "legs." ]

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[ "so this happened saturday but i didn't realize the", "full effects til yesterday after work.", "background: i live in oregon and am from a town", "right in the middle of the totality path.", "i took my family (wife and three small children)", "to my hometown for the eclipse weekend to camp.", "it has been very dry, burn bans for most of the", "state and fires everywhere.", "we were camping just outside town near a large", "field of dry grass with a gravel road and some", "dense foliage between it and the river that was", "about 150 yards away.", "the second day of our stay at about 1pm there was", "suddenly a large plume of smoke coming from the", "river (couldn't tell which side because of trees)", "knowing the best time to put out a fire is as", "soon as it starts i grabbed all the water in our", "camp site, told my family to stay there, jumped", "in my pathfinder, drove down a hill, through a", "ditch, and very quickly down a bumpy gravel road.", "upon making it to the river i realized the fire", "is on the other side and i cannot get there (it's", "a 20 minute drive using the bridge) i try to call", "911 and get busy signals. i finally call my uncle", "who lives on that side of the river down a ways", "and explain the situation, he says fire", "department is on the way and not to worry. ok,", "i'll head back to camp. drive down gravel road", "slower, back trough ditch, and back up the hill.", "my family was gone. turns out the wind shifted", "and started blowing all the smoke straight to", "camp so they left. i call and tell my wife i'll", "let her know when the fire is out so they can", "come back and they might as well get some dutch", "bros smoothies.", "fire gets put out, camp doesn't burn down, we", "continue camping, seems fine right?", "my six year old thinks i abandoned him in a fire,", "he never even saw flames but he knows there was a", "fire and i left. i tried to explain that i was", "trying to help put it out, i was a fire fighter", "in the navy, i want to help people. he doesn't", "understand, just that i left and he was scared.", "my suv handled kinda funny on the drive home so i", "take it to the shop... i bent all four lower", "control arms! apparently i hit something in there", "too hard. it's $1500 to get the shop to fix it", "and i'm going to chew up tires til i can afford", "to get it done. i just got the thing last", "month...", "on a good note, my three year old daughter thinks", "i'm awesome and wants to be a fire fighter now." ]

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[ "i just got rejected by a girl.", "i liked this girl in my office. she didn't know", "me though.", "i went to her and said nervously \"i have a crush", "on you\".", "she said \"then\"? and i just waited nervously for", "her to say something more. then she said \" don't", "do all this stuff\" with an angry face.", "i said sorry and just left.", "what the hell ? why couldn't she just say a", "simple no politely?", "why don't girls consider that our confidence", "takes a huge hit due rejection like that?", "i really didn't expect her to reject me at all.", "infact, i thought she did notice me quite a few", "times. maybe i was just naive. don't know. maybe", "i can't read a woman's mind.", "my self respect took a big hit. don't know when", "will i get the courage to approach any other girl", "again.", "what did i do wrong ? please enlighten me", "friends.", "p.s i have social anxiety issue and am actually", "not a bad looking guy (imo)" ]

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[ "this is one of those stories that actually did", "happen today.", "a week and a half ago we picked up a new to us", "audi a5. we didn't research the car as well as we", "should have, but that's okay. i'm enjoying", "learning new things about it regularly.", "with the intent of picking up the ingredients for", "tonight's dinner, i headed off merrily to the", "store, jamming out to the pop songs of the 90's", "that are the soundtrack to my youth.", "when i was about a mile away a notification light", "came on. the car politely informed me it was low", "in oil, but that i could continue driving. see?", "polite.", "upon reading the owner's manual, i discover these", "things burn through oil like there's no tomorrow,", "and i had better get used to the process.", "i hit the next station, found the closest", "synthetic oil, and added half a quart as one does", "when their car needs additional fluids. it took", "about 15 minutes for this process, as i had to", "read the owner's manual to open the hood, et", "cetera et cetera.", "i'm in florida. it's hotter than balls here,", "literally. and more humid, too, from what i", "understand.", "hanging out in front of the hot engine of a black", "car was not in my high spots for the day. but all", "good, the warning light came off, and i went back", "on my way.", "upon reaching the grocery store i decide i should", "double check levels. i run the car through its", "paces, it's still low. fair enough, i had only", "added half.", "feeling like a professional at this point, i pop", "the hood, remove the engine oil cap, add the", "stuff, and go to grab the cap. my hand jitters", "and i watch, horrified, as it falls in slow", "motion.", "the engine cap bounces off a heat shield--leaving", "a nice little puff of smoke in its wake--and", "pinballs down until it's resting on the very", "bottom panel of the engine compartment.", "i can see it. i cannot reach it.", "i call my so, give him my \"you'll never believe", "what i did and, by the way, any suggestions?\"", "spiel. nada.", "there's nothing in the car, we're still treating", "it like the dealership is coming back for it even", "though we paid cash, so i have no tools of any", "sort, though i do have a sweatshirt that comes in", "handy.", "the car and engine are now approximately 472,212", "degrees farenheit. i'm at a complete loss as to", "what i'm going to do. i was preparing to call my", "mechanic and ask them to send help when i saw my", "salvation.", "i spot a tow truck one aisle over. shining, red,", "a beacon of assistance. i flag the driver down,", "fill him in on my dilemma and he promptly comes", "over to help.", "he uses a long metal rod to attempt to knock the", "cap to where we can reach it. to no avail,", "there's a panel blocking it. he attaches the car", "to the lift, pops it up. we look, the panel is", "still in the way. quelle surprise.", "he lifts it a few more inches, jimmies the thing", "up and down for some fucking reason, and comes", "back over. we look at the panel once more. in", "frustration, i assume, he grabs the edge of the", "panel and pulls.", "the edge pops right open and the cap falls into", "his waiting hands.", "we continue to squat down and look at this damn", "thing when he says, \"apparently this has happened", "before.\"", "i nod, say, \"today i learned...\"", "after the driver leaves--he refused my offer of a", "case of beer, but i wish him all the best karma", "for today and the rest of time--i discover a text", "from my so. he has a security conference type", "meeting tonight, he'll be skipping dinner.", "a pointless run to the store led to all that", "drama. to make it worthwhile, i bought powerball", "tickets. surely something good will come of this.", "each and every clerk in the store recognized me.", "each one wanted to know how i broke my new car", "already, and i got to tell the ridiculous tale", "four times while standing there looking like some", "mid life crisis hippie lady that just changed the", "engine out on her vw bus, by herself, while", "dripping in sweat." ]

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[ "ok, so i recently got back from a destination", "wedding in the caribbean. a lot of work was put", "into planning everything, as you can expect.", "the wedding went great, it was everything the", "bride wanted. she relied fairly heavily on the", "maid if honor to help out. in order to save", "costs, people shared rooms. i got put up with", "another groomsman, the maid of honor and a", "bridesmaid. they are both a solid 8/10 and not", "the most shy about changing. when she was", "departing at the airport, we all said our", "goodbyes. now, i had intended on thanking her for", "all of the time and effort she had put in getting", "everything just right. she really did an amazing", "job. in retrospect i was a little rushed and", "unprepared for this as she needed board quickly.", "i tried searching for a quick way of summing up", "the whole wedding and what i said was something", "along the lines of \"thanks for putting on such a", "great show.\" i got all the way on to my plane an", "hour later before i realized how that could have", "been construed." ]

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[ "this did not happen today, it happened a couple", "weeks ago.", "i was down the outer banks with my large family", "for the week. myself, my girlfriend, my parents,", "5 siblings, 2 spouses, and 5 nieces and nephews.", "it was a packed house for a week, but it was a", "great time. on the last day of my trip (as i was", "leaving early) my brother and i decided to go to", "the ocean for the day. we had gone earlier in the", "week and had fun bodysurfing and being clowns in", "the water. we are 25 and 30 (he the older one),", "but we act like kids when together and have a lot", "of fun. unfortunately, this beach day would not", "end up very fun.", "when we got there, the group that went lathered", "on the sunscreen, as we are very white and burn", "easily. i was eager to go in the water, but my", "girlfriend said i had to wait to let my skin", "absorb the sunscreen, and also pointed out that i", "need to be careful as there were no lifeguards on", "duty and a yellow caution flag was up, signifying", "a strong current.", "now, the current was strong the other day, but it", "was parallel to the shore, so it only pushed us", "along the beach not scarily out into the water.", "my brother and i figured it would be much of the", "same. we saw the rough waves and were very eager", "to go have some fun. we finally ran straight into", "the water, had a grand time bodysurfing and", "letting the waves beat us down. after a while, we", "were out up to our necks, though very close to", "shore still. i noticed how odd this was, as", "people on either side of us who were out the same", "distance were still up to their hips!", "after vocalizing this to my brother and being a", "bit confused, we both were getting kinda tired", "and wanted to go in. as we tried to go in towards", "shore, we realized that we could not make any", "headway. the current was pulling us out, leading", "to some anxiety. the waves felt like they were", "growing in size and frequency, continually", "pushing us under. our distress was growing, and", "finally my brother, who was further out, called", "to me \"dude, i am gonna need you to help me out!\"", "i began frantically shouting for help, for", "anyone, but no one on shore could hear us over", "the crashing waves. some people in the water", "looked towards us, but they either ignored it or", "figured we were just having fun. i screamed and", "screamed to no avail. my girlfriend was on shore,", "looking out on us smiling, not realizing the", "situation we were in. again my brother said", "\"dude, i really need your help!\" this time i", "responded with a reactionary \"no man, i can't", "help, that causes us both to drown!\"", "now, they say when stuck in rip current you need", "to swim perpendicular to the current. i am", "certain this advice works, but when you are", "panicking, all logic seems to leave your head.", "all i could think was i need to get to shore. we", "continued to try to swim in, and continued to", "scream. my energy was quickly running out. i was", "going under for longer periods of time. the sand", "kept getting kicked out from under me by the", "current any time i got a footing.", "my brother is a better athlete than i, and he", "managed to get closer to shore by a bit, and has", "better endurance. he saw the situation i was in,", "i probably had 30 seconds before i went under for", "good, and he didn't have much more. finally, he", "locked eyes with a young girl not far from us", "with a boogey board. he yelled to her, she just", "stared. finally he said \"get the fuck over here", "now!\" this shook her into action. she came over", "to us, we grabbed her boogey board, and we", "paddled in. truthfully, i just flopped on and", "hung on, exhausted and near death. my brother", "said when i grabbed it, i basically pushed him", "off. i have no recollection of this, my energy", "was so low i couldn't think. all i remember doing", "was closing my eyes and repeatedly pleading \"why", "weren't there any lifeguards?\"", "when we finally got to shore, i flopped down on", "my towel and rested for a bit, before my brother", "and i got our energy back and went back to being", "idiots, throwing the frisbee on the beach and", "laughing. we annoyed our family the whole rest of", "the day, repeatedly laughing how we nearly died.", "but in reality, that moment scared the shit out", "of me. i really came close to dying. it was so", "scary. i want to find that young girl and thank", "her and hug her. she saved my life." ]

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[ "hello reddit!", "so for about a year now i work for an it company", "which sometimes gives me unexpected task to", "fulfill.", "they day of the fu (~ 2 weeks ago) i was told to", "install a small server and 5 user pcs at a small", "office of one of our clients. normally i only do", "repairs and setups at my workplace.", "after an hour of driving i get there with all the", "stuff i have to set up and get it inside to the", "5th floor.", "the entire office is empty but one lady who's", "about to have lunch so i can work in peace; cool!", "usually i'm suppossed to start with the server so", "i go on the hunt for the server rack (some", "companies hide them very well!). this one was", "easy to find but there was no key near it and the", "door was", "locked.", "ok so the only person in that office was having", "lunch thus i started setting up the work", "stations.", "after 3/5 work stations the lady returned from", "lunch and i asked her for the key or at least to", "open the server rack.", "she doesn't know shit about any key and has never", "seen one.", "so i decide to call my contact at the clients it", "department and ask them who might have the key.", "20 minutes later he calls back and tells me they", "only have one guy with the keys for the entire", "country who is currently 200km away from my", "location but he'll come!", "(me on the inside: well okay that'll be a two+", "hour wait.)", "two and a half hours later the key guy arrives", "and is already pissed. i proceed to show him the", "cabinet with the server. he mumbles, presses on", "different places as i step outside to finish some", "paperwork with the lady who remained at the", "office.", "30 seconds later key guy yells. he then started", "to insult me for a solid 2minutes and claimed the", "lock was unlocked the entire time but you had to", "push in the entire lock and then turn it with", "your", "finger nail so the door opens (wtf?!).", "they server cabinet looks like this:", "http://www.jefu.de/networking/netzwerk/205/server", "schrank-haengend", "and i've never worked on such a thing before and", "who the hell tries to open a door by pressing in", "the lock?", "i then apologized ~28321903 times and left 5min", "later as i was done with all my work.", "back at my office i get to know that the guy", "wrote angry mails to his boss, my boss and my", "bosses boss about how dumb i am. my boss was mad,", "my bosses boss was like 'meh not my problem' and", "the angry guy's boss was laughing his ass off as", "he was on the phone with me.", "2 things that i'm uncertain about until this very", "day:", "- why didn't anyone tell me on the phone to press", "the lock?", "- did the mad it guy simply use the key to unlock", "the damn thing when i stepped outside the room?" ]

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[ "so, this actually happened only a few moments ago.", "my cousins were staying over at my house for a", "week, and we'd seemed to have engaged in some", "sort of prank war. it wasn't really serious at", "all, just harmless pranks.", "to understand this, you need to understand i have", "a really big fear of spiders. i mean, seeing even", "a tiny spider would have me screaming. nearly", "everyone i know knows about my arachnophobia, and", "they always tease me about it.", "when i went downstairs for breakfast, my cousins", "were upstairs, brushing their teeth. or so i", "thought.", "my cousin comes down and says he's done something", "to my phone as a prank, so naturally i run up", "looking for it. as i enter my room i see printed", "pictures of spiders everywhere. on the walls. on", "the door. literally everywhere. i start", "screaming, and all i see is my everyone else", "laughing. luckily for me, they started taking it", "down. i was starting to calm down, which let me", "give them a few punches.", "after breakfast, i return upstairs to turn on my", "macbook. as i open it, i see a massive spider", "stuck to the screen, and some more on the", "keyboard. my hands take control, and", "instinctively, i throw the laptop away.", "the thing is though, i ended up throwing it", "against a wall, and i managed to throw it hard", "enough that the screen broke. it won't turn on,", "and i don't have applecare or any other warranty", "service, so i have no clue what to do now. it", "cost £1000." ]

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[ "first, a little bit of background.", "when i was 11 or 12, my parents gave me a really", "cool alarm clock for my birthday. it had a nice", "look to it, and one of those things that could", "project the time onto the wall/ceiling, which i", "thought was really cool. it also had a built-in", "radio, so i could listen to it to help me fall", "asleep. i also had a reading light between the", "alarm clock and me, so try to imagine this in", "your head.", "now, onto the real story. one night, i had a", "really bad nightmare, and whenever i had one, i", "acted weird and couldn't fall back asleep for at", "least 45 minutes. however, after this dream, i", "was still half-asleep for the time i was up, so i", "couldn't really see what i was doing. after", "around 15 minutes, i decided i wanted to listen", "to the radio.", "as i was still half-asleep, i made my hand into a", "fist and attempted to punch down the button to", "turn the radio on. instead, my fist hit the", "lightbulb on my reading light, causing a huge", "crash of broken glass, and it was everywhere. on", "top of that, the reading light came crashing down", "on my face.", "after realizing what just happened, i was faced", "with the dilemma of having to wake up one of my", "parents, (remember that i was only 11 or 12 when", "this happened) or sleeping in a bed full of", "broken glass. before i decided, the stupid side", "of me got a little curious and decided to see", "what would happen if i turned the reading light", "on. thankfully nothing happened before i clued in", "and turned it off. i dodged a bullet there.", "then, remembering that there was broken glass", "everywhere, i woke up my dad, and it took around", "half an hour to clean up all of the glass. at", "that time, it was around 1:30 am, and with me", "being someone who likes sleep, waking up at 6:30", "to go to school wasn't fun." ]

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[ "first note, yesterday i went to a water park, so", "i'm already very sun burned.", "today i was at work in a kitchen. i was tasked", "with cutting 150 habanero peppers for a special.", "i got through almost all of them, when i went to", "wipe the sweat off my face.", "anyone who works with food already knows how this", "story goes before i even tell it.", "within one second i realized the mistake i made.", "it took about a minute for the bottom half of my", "face to start feeling like it was burning off.", "i spent the next few hours washing my face and", "dipping it in a large bowl of milk, which", "honestly didn't help much.", "i couldn't even think straight. my hands were", "shaking and i was literally throwing up from", "pain. to say the least, i was pretty much useless", "for the rest of my shift.", "it took 3 1/2 hours for the pain to become", "bearable. 5 1/2 hours to go away completely. even", "after the pain stopped, my skin was still clearly", "red where the pepper juice touched my me.", "today was awful." ]

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[ "so, this happened last night. obligatory \"not a", "lie\" based on my username.", "i sleep next to a window where i have an air", "conditioner installed. i placed it there at the", "beginning of the summer because, for obvious", "reasons, it gets hot, but since the weather's", "been getting cooler lately, i've been leaving it", "off. this makes the window, which has large gaps", "between the air conditioner and the window frame,", "the perfect place for bugs such as moths,", "stinkbugs, and bees to come and pester me when", "i'm sitting on the futon at its left, or the bed", "at its right. for the last week or two, i noticed", "a lack of bugs and a gross, gigantic spider web", "growing in the corner of the window between the", "curtain, ac, and windowframe next to my bed. i", "looked at it from my futon, said \"that shit's", "gross\", and subsequently returned to shitposting", "on reddit because i was lazy and i saw no", "immediate threat of spiders in it. well, little", "did i know that lurking in this dark corner was a", "bastard about the size of a quarter trained in", "the art of stealth like solid snake, and who had", "been spying on me to learn my sleeping habits and", "to get a lick of my bitter, tasty ear wax.", "so in the middle of the night, i wake up a little", "bit because i am a light sleeper and i feel a", "little tingle on the side of my face, near my", "ear. \"oh,\" i internally say, still half asleep", "and completely unable to see in the dark.", "\"something's walking. on my face. crossing the", "valley of my earhole. must be that tiny little", "spider that's been hard at work on what must be a", "relatively giant mansion. disgusting, but utterly", "harmless.\" so i lazily smack my face, feel a bit", "of a crunch, and whip whatever was crawling on me", "across the bed before drifting back to sleep", "uncomfortably.", "this morning, when i moved to wash the bedsheets,", "i saw the twisted legs of a big, brown spider", "jutting up right next to the spot where my head", "was. i do not have arachnaphobia, obviously, but", "discovering the actual size of the spider that", "nearly added my earlobe to its architectural", "design was unsettling, to say the least. i", "cringed, threw that little bastard in the toilet,", "and returned to packing up. i have not gotten rid", "of the spider web yet. shit's still gross." ]

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[ "so a little pretext, my wife - bless her heart -", "has night terrors. some are worse than others and", "some are downright terrifying with waking up", "kicking and screaming.", "last night was one of the latter nights but there", "was a slight difference. she had just come to bed", "and we were spooning as couples do with me as the", "big spoon. i had her completely wrapped up and", "then the screaming started.", "keep in mind i was fast asleep, and a noisophobe,", "so my subconscious reaction was to cover her", "mouth with my hand annnnnd now i'm a murderer in", "her dream.", "she starts thrashing causing me to constrict more", "in my spooning position - hand still over her", "mouth. she's screaming louder through my hand.", "then in my 0.05% awake state i blurt out, \"it's", "meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!\" in a tone that doesn't at all", "sound like me because i'm just waking up thus", "making the situation even worse since it didn't", "sound like me at all.", "i figure out what's going on in the moment and", "take my hand off of her mouth now that i'm fully", "awake and she's screaming so hard that i can't", "get her to hear that it's me for a good 10", "seconds so we're both just screaming at each", "other and she still thinks i'm a murderer/rapist." ]

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[ "this happened last night. my mom is away for a", "week and she wanted me to water some of her", "flowers for her. the flowers are hanging in", "baskets [similar to", "this](http://balconygardenweb.com/wp-content/uplo", "ads/2016/06/million-bells-in-hanging-basket.jpg)", "from hooks in the ceiling of the veranda.", "now i need to preface this, my mom has had these", "flowers out all summer. as it happens, a month", "and a half or so ago, some birds decided to make", "a nest in there. the birds are probably some kind", "of finch, or at least they're no [bigger than", "this", "guy.](http://www.jessupaviary.com/wp-content/uplo", "ads/2013/07/teddy-7.9-mellow.jpg)", "my mom was always terrified to water the plants", "because she didn't want to get dive bombed, so we", "moved the plant further down the porch, and only", "watered it when the birds were gone. when the", "plant wasn't hanging (or if you're tall enough i", "guess) the nest and eggs were easy to see through", "the flowers, but when it's hanging it's anybody's", "guess what's in there. so here's where i fucked", "up.", "so i've been watering these plants every second", "day for a few days now, and some of them are", "starting to wilt. i figure i haven't been", "watering them quite enough, so this time i'm", "really going to pour some water in there. as i'm", "making my rounds, i realize that there's a plant", "further down the porch that i hadn't noticed or", "watered all weekend. so i went down, got on my", "tippy toes, and poured that watering can solidly", "into the plant.", "first second, everything is fine. by second 2,", "the flower is starting to ruffle in a panic, but", "my brain doesn't quite register what's going on.", "second 3, two birds flop out of the flowers and", "onto the deck, one after the other. they're dazed", "and weren't able to fly out of the plant, and are", "quickly trying to get their bearings and assess", "the situation, all the while squeaking like mad", "men. 4, thud. a fledgling bird literally and", "audibly thuds onto the deck. by contrast, the", "parents landed like cats. by this time i'm fully", "registering what's happening, and i want to help", "the fledgling back into its nest if i can, except", "that 5. mom and dad have gotten back on their", "feet, their wings mostly working, and they're", "pissed. squeaking loudly, they started hopping", "and flapping around, not quite able to fly from", "standing. jr rolls off the deck in an attempt to", "get on his feet. this was the last i saw of jr.", "6, mom manages to get up on the railing, while", "dad is on my car ~8 feet away. they are mostly", "postured around where jr fell, but they are very", "aware of me and react when i try to get close.", "they are in fight and flight mode, scared but not", "quite ready to commit to a full retreat.", "this all took about 6 or 7 seconds. it was at", "this time i'm sad to say, that i decided it was", "best if i left. where the fledgling had fallen", "was behind some shrubbery, and as i went down the", "deck to look for him, i couldn't see him anywhere", "(must have waddled off) and it seemed i was", "stressing the parents by looking. i figured(hoped", "really) if they had some time to group with jr", "they'd be fine. jr's wings were mostly in, he", "only barely looked juvenile compared to his", "parents, so i hope he was able to fly back into", "his nest.", "i hadn't seen the birds in a few weeks and", "totally forgot about them before watering. there", "was 3 eggs in the past when we looked at the nest", "a month ago, so i'm really hoping only jr", "survived to babyhood, or else i have 2 more birds", "drowned on my conscience. sorry bird's :(", "**edit:** just got home from work, so wanted to", "give you guys a quick update. for those of you", "concerned about the other 2 eggs, [there were no", "bird corpses,](http://imgur.com/a/atchu) so", "presumably they didn't hatch or they left the", "nest before jr. i also haven't seen or heard the", "birds since then." ]

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[ "so this happened last year but another post today", "made me remember it. i was learning to become a", "mechanic and was welding for the first time. of", "course i forgot to put the helmet down and looked", "right into the flame. i of course noticed", "instantly, and closed my eyes, but as soon as i", "opened them there was a black/purple dot right in", "the middle of my field of view. it didnt go away", "in the first two minutes, but i was ashamed and", "didn't tell my kolleagues. since the dot was", "right at the center i could barely work the", "remaining day. the dot faded over night and i", "could just go on the next day, but i was quite", "afraid it would stay. i never ever will weld", "again without mask." ]

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[ "let me start this off by saying a feel really bad", "for the guy. his feet were so swollen that", "nothing made in our store would fit him, and he", "had already tried 2 other stores. he was walking", "around barefoot, and seemed to be unable to", "operate normally. from the bottom of my heart i", "hope this guy gets help, but it was one of the", "worst physical experiences i've ever had while at", "work.", "i was getting a shoe for a woman and a gentleman", "who hadn't been helped yet was looking for some", "shoes. i approached him as normal and he said he", "was looking for a shoe to fit a swollen foot for", "his buddy who was outside.", "mind you i have 4 years of retail experience at", "this point so i've experienced some really (let's", "say) interesting things.", "i tell him it's no problem and to have him bring", "in his buddy. he starts walking up to the door", "and from about 30 feet away his feet looked like", "big boots on his feet, and i thought,\"oh shit.\"", "i go back out and introduce myself the first", "thing he says that made me comfortable enough to", "trust him is,\"it's not contagious, is just open", "sores.\" i take a look at his feet, ask his", "suggested size, he asked for a size 13 sandal", "that goes over his foot. my thought is, no", "problem.", "i take out 3 shoes to try on. the first he looks", "at and we determine there is no chance that he", "can get his foot through the second strap so we", "set it off to the side. i take out some shoes", "that are very comfortable and extremely", "customizable, i undo the straps all the way and", "he sets his foot in the shoe while my hand is", "still undoing the straps.", "you know that substance that exists on your skin", "before a scab forms? well i just googled it and i", "don't know what it's called...it might have been", "puss........", "well it got all over my right hand and the strap", "that i wasn't able to move in time. just then i", "could smell his feet, it smelled like death. i've", "forgot about the smell, but the feeling hasn't", "gone away.", "the shoe that was almost ruined has been cleaned", "of the pre scab substance and is going to be", "disinfected a few times before we put it back out", "for use." ]

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[ "this just happened about an hour ago, so pardon", "any spelling errors. i like to draw comics in my", "spare time, and keep them on a flash drive (i'm a", "bit shy on putting them online, i'll definitely", "consider it though). unfortunately, most of my", "spare time is at night, where i'm tired. unlike", "most modern cartoonists, i prefer traditional", "drawing (pencils, fountain pens and ink, colored", "pencils) over using a tablet, which is somewhat", "harder, considering that i can't just \"undo\" a", "big mistake. so i'm working on a really detailed", "and action-heavy scene, while trying to take a", "sip of hot tea. i accidentally drop my brush pen", "on the floor, and since i'm not as alert, spill", "my tea as well. i already have a blister that", "popped on my finger from the last time i spilled", "tea on my hand (about a week ago), and since", "there's barely any skin there, it's even worse.", "my entire hand still tingles, but my finger burns", "(my right ring finger). i think it's only a first", "degree burn, i should be fine with a bit of", "antibiotic cream. but i have to redraw that", "entire page all over again, and it took me 2", "entire hours to just sketch it in pencil, and", "that's not including the inking i already did." ]

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[ "this actually happened in 2008 when iron man was", "at the cinemas. i haven't posted on reddit much", "and thought this would be fun to share.", "i was at the cinema with my two younger brothers", "and father. we went to see iron man and i was", "friggin excited. i bought a big family bag of", "skittles all to myself just for this movie.", "anyways, i used to ask people next to me if they", "would like to use the armrest during the movie,", "it didn't matter if i knew them or not, i thought", "it was just something nice i could do.", "so here i am asking the guy next to me on my", "right if he would like to use the armrest. he", "politely declined and i thought nothing of it. a", "few minutes pass and i feel like something was a", "bit off from his decline. i decide to sneak a", "look at the guy to calm my suspicions and as i", "look over i realise that he had no left arm... he", "just had a shoulder and a little bit after it and", "that was it.", "i felt so horrible, and once my brothers figured", "out what happened my dad just shook his head and", "my brothers laughed at me of course. i decided i", "should move on from this awkward encounter and", "open my bag of skittles. as i opened the bag it", "tore right down the middle and the entire family", "size bag spilled onto the floor and covered my", "feet.", "for the rest of the movie i just used the armrest", "i had offered earlier and hid the right side of", "my face while trying to enjoy iron man without my", "skittles." ]

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[ "i work at an amazon fulfillment warehouse as a", "sortation associate.", "i want to start off by clarifying that i don't", "have any qualms with my job - sure, it's not", "always fun, and sometimes it's hard work, but", "it's still something i try to do diligently and", "with a smile on my face. i have a lot of social", "anxiety, so i try my best to be very polite with", "my coworkers, and i frequently apologize when i", "think i'm in someone's way. i'm on good terms", "with the managers there, at least until today...", "today, i was asked if i can do a certain task", "besides the usual work - i excitedly said \"yes\"", "and went for it, giving the impression to the", "manager who asked me that i knew how to do the", "assigned work.", "i don't think i was actually properly trained to", "do that new work, but i have done it once in the", "past, plus my enthusiasm got the better of me,", "and i decided to try it out. \"*what could", "possibly go wrong? besides, i've seen others do", "it a million times and have done it myself; i'm", "sure i can do it again.\"* **fatal mistake.**", "two hours into the shift, a manager walks up to", "me and tells me that i haven't been scanning the", "pallets properly - i was forgetting a crucial", "last step. he showed me the right way to do it,", "and then i apologized profusely and started to do", "it the right way. i was sweating at this point.", "a few minutes later, another manager walks up to", "me, tells me that i've fucked up 20 pallets", "(basically a shit load of boxes), and asked me", "how important i think the last step - the one i", "was forgetting to do - was.", "i squeaked out \"how important?\"", "i don't think i understood his response. either i", "am too stupid to comprehend the magnitude of my", "fuck-up, or i was shocked, or both. in either", "case, i wanted to cry, but i somehow didn't.", "i asked, \"can it be fixed?\"", "he responded, \"the ones you do from now on, if", "you do them properly.\"", "he then took a picture of my badge - i think i", "got written up.", "it's a miracle i didn't get terminated on the", "spot. i let my managers and coworkers down. my", "stupid, complacent enthusiasm got the better of", "me, and i am mortified to show my face there", "tomorrow. i feel so terrible; i threw up when i", "got home.", "i may have ended up costing the company", "thousands; i don't know. i want to give up", "whatever i would have earned today, because i was", "incompetent and could not do my job. i don't", "deserve today's pay. i can never undo the damage", "i have done...", "---\n**" ]

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[ "this just happened today. a little backstory - i", "applied walmart for a part-time job while i was", "going to school.", "the story starts when i decided to get dressed", "this afternoon as you can tell by the title. i", "was getting ready to go out, so i just put on an", "old pair of jeans and a t-shirt. these jeans", "haven't fit right for years and i really didn't", "want to go fish in my closet for a belt, as i", "only was planning on going out for a short amount", "of time. i got in the car and left.", "shortly thereafter i get a call from walmart.", "they said they wanted me to come in for an", "interview tomorrow for some position in the", "frozen/deli area, and i accepted. so i finished", "what i set out to do today, and across the street", "is a walmart i used to work at 1-2 years ago", "(this is not the same one i had an interview", "with). i wanted to make a good impression so i", "decided i would out and buy some new clothes for", "the interview. i quickly drive to the walmart and", "start walking.", "right now i am really starting to feel the", "looseness of these jeans. if i didn't fix them", "every 30 seconds i think my pants would fall", "down. i am walking around in the store, and now i", "am really wishing a had a belt. i am fixing them", "constantly, and i joke to myself that i must look", "so suspicious right now. i get deodorant, a", "toothbrush, and one other thing i'm not", "remembering but it was small. i look awkward as", "hell trying to hold on to my pants and the", "product.", "next i go to the clothing section and spend some", "time picking out the clothes. i got a white dress", "shirt, and some tan khakis. i really should have", "gotten a basket or a cart, because it was going", "to be a real pain in the ass to try and carry all", "of this and keep up my pants. so i put a", "toothbrush and a small item, i forget what", "exactly in between the folded pants so my pants", "don't fall down in front of everyone, and start", "towards the registers. all the lines were too", "long so i just went to the checkout machine. i", "scanned the items, but being the forgetful person", "that i am forgot that i put some items in between", "the pants. the total was about $50 and so i put a", "$100 bill in the machine, put everything in the", "bag, got my receipt and started walking towards", "the exit.", "i am about 15 feet from the exit, and next thing", "i knew there were 3 men wearing casual clothing", "around me asking for a receipt.", "i read on reddit before on how you don't have to", "show the people at the door your receipt, and", "that may work with store greeters, but these were", "loss prevention.", "feeling brave, i stupidly said \"um no? why do you", "need to see a receipt\"", "they said they believe i stole something. they", "told this was their job, and showed me their", "walmart id. i paused for a few seconds, and said", "\"i guess\".", "we walk over to the side and they take my bag and", "receipt. and i have no idea why i said the next", "thing to come out of my mouth, but i have to be", "the stupidest person of all time. god it's so", "cringy.", "i said \"i used to work at walmart, you guys can't", "do shit.\"", "i was so sure that i had done nothing wrong, and", "i was just gonna walk out of that store in a", "minute. they take the pants out and unfold it,", "and lo and behold, there were the two items i had", "put in there. i was like oh god no.", "they told me to come with them, and i did. i was", "apologizing profusely the whole way, telling them", "it was an accident and that i would pay, but they", "were having none of it. we get to the room, and", "they took my information and asked questions as", "well. the total of the items came out to be less", "than $5. they asked if it was worth it, and i", "kept telling them that it was an accident.", "seriously i paid for $50 worth of stuff with $100", "bill, and they think i did this on purpose :( i", "apologized and explained the story over and over", "but they didn't listen. told them i had an", "interview at walmart tomorrow, and they said i", "wasn't get the job now. after they got all my", "info they told me i was banned from walmart", "property and if i came back, it was a felon, then", "they sent me on my way. they said they were gonna", "send me a $100 fee, and court papers in the mail,", "and that they called the police, but i wasn't", "there when they arrived.", "i went home sad and a little angry at the fuckup.", "i didn't call any family to let them know what", "had happened. i didn't think this was a big deal.", "my moms bf came home, and i told him about what", "happened. he was freaking out about the whole", "thing, and called my mom and my uncle. i started", "to worry a little at that point.", "my uncle called me, and said he was picking me", "up, and we were going back to the store to", "hopefully get the charges dropped. we drive", "there, and he's telling me how mad he is that i", "didn't call him and that this could cost", "thousands of dollars. we get to the store, and i", "wait outside because i was banned from entering.", "he comes back out in 10 minutes and says nothing", "can be done now that the case has been passed to", "the state. we drive home, and i am in disbelief.", "it was much more serious than i had realized, and", "now i just feel depressed... just when i thought", "things were finally starting to go a little my", "way, something comes along to just fuck", "everything up... i looked online a bit and it", "looks like it really will cost thousands. this is", "my first offense by the way. my family really", "doesn't have much money but i know they're gonna", "get me a defense, and they're not going to take", "no for an answer. i really hate to be such a", "large burden :( it's hard to think that this all", "started with a belt...", "feelsbadman.", "if anyone has any advice on what i should do, i", "would love to hear it. thanks for reading." ]

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[ "this actually happened today.", "i was laying down in my bed when my friend called", "me to go wash our cars to one of those diy car", "wash in gas station (we're in ny). i tend to", "always wear a lot of rings, this time i was", "wearing 9 rings, each of them assigned to a", "specific finger due to size.", "as i finished washing my car, i stared to dry it,", "so this particular ring stared to fall off due to", "the moisture in my hands, so i took all the other", "rings and left this one on, in the wrong finger.", "no big deal right?", "a few minutes later i noticed how my finger felt", "kind of numb so i tried to take it off with", "different methods from the internet and nothing", "worked, which only made it worst, because it got", "more swollen.", "my finger was starting to turn black so i", "panicked the hell out and drove to the nearest", "fire station with the car still went (as this", "didn't matter at all) and the fire fighters in", "between jokes used different methods until one of", "them worked, it burned my finger a bit but it", "finally removed the ring off.", "i learned from this and i don't think i will be", "wearing all these rings anymore." ]

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[ "not technically today but we can trace everything", "back to about 3 years ago, as a curious young", "noodle (the way i adress my lanky self) i decided", "it was time to make a reddit account after being", "a lurker for years, you see i thought i was a", "clever noodle and to avoid any possibilities of", "spam emails of any kind i used one of thoes 15", "email makers to sign up for reddit. after 3 years", "of creating massive gif folders, a nsfw archive", "bult for the goods and some of the greatest no", "sleep stories ive ever read that never made it", "past 100 upvotes, everything is now gone.", "so now you may be asking \"oh mr.n00dly0ne what do", "you mean everything is gone?\". well you see", "fellow reditors i droped my phone into the ocean.", "like off a boat more than 100 feet off the bay.", "now you may say well just recover your account", "info. well easier said than done when you never", "posted and didnt share your account with anyone.", "which caused me to have zero reason to rember", "your account name. so with no account name and no", "email address to reset the account info my pride,", "joy, and some of my favorite moments will now be", "lost. rip old account ill miss you. now on to new", "memories and even better gifs!" ]

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[ "this happened today, posting this for a family", "member.", "this series of unfortunate events started a few", "hours ago with me getting a call from my boss", "that his car had ran out of gas and to send a", "driver over to the gas station and fill up a can", "with enough gas to get him to the nearest", "station.", "i was at first surprised that he actually would", "even completely run out of gas but just went", "along and called a driver over to send him over", "to my boss. and that's that... except it wasn't.", "i decided i would send a text to my boss really", "quickly that there's a driver on the way. \" hey", "john, the driver is on his way but has to get gas", "first\" and quickly get a response \"make sure it's", "diesel thanks\" so i quickly call the driver on", "the way to the gas station to get diesel instead.", "so now this is where it gets interesting, the", "driver going to refuel my boss shows up and tells", "my boss \" i got your diesel!\" and my boss laughs", "and thanks him. a few minutes later i get a call", "from my boss that his car broke down in the", "middle of the road....", "his car runs on gasoline. i texted the wrong john", "and he responded with a joke. my boss thought the", "driver was joking around with him and filled his", "car up. now who's at fault here?", "edit: fixed my tldr" ]

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[ "this actually happened like an hour ago or", "something like that.", "so basically i'm a huge boston celtics fan and", "there were some trade talks going on about", "trading isaiah thomas (and i'm sure fellow", "celtics fans will understand why i was so", "attached to him) to the cleveland cavaliers, but", "i didn't pay much attention to that because i", "never really thought that the trade would go", "down. except it did, and i'm not going to get", "into much detail from the sports perspective, but", "i've grown to view isaiah as an idol to me and", "someone that i admired really much both on and", "off the court, so i just wasn't ready for the", "news of him being traded away by the team, as a", "matter fact, i was so not ready to receive said", "news that when i read about it on my phone, with", "feelings of anger and disappointment it was kind", "of a reflex for me to slam the phone to the", "floor. i don't really know why i did it cause i'm", "usually a pretty chill person, but i guess i just", "couldn't deal with the fact that my favourite", "basketball team traded my favourite nba player", "and someone i admire so much, so that was my", "reaction. so basically now i have to make up some", "sort of lie to my parents cause ain't no way that", "i'm telling them what actually happened, and oh,", "did i mention that i'm phoneless now btw? yikes" ]

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[ "this happened about 20mins ago. i am currently on", "vacation at my family's cabin in the upper", "peninsula of michigan. the area around the cabin", "is mostly forrest with a lake right infront of", "it. so my usual routine is to answer my morning", "nature's call by 'watering' my select tree. well", "here comes the fu, i decided i should take in the", "scenery and decided i should try a different", "tree. well my new select tree happen to have a", "bush next to it with a bee hive in it. so i'm mid", "stream and i feel a new sensation. i have alerted", "the hive. so i look down and i noticed a bee on", "my johnson with a few others buzzing around. with", "mach speed i launch the molesting bee off of me", "and quickly pull up my jeans and make my way to", "the safety of the indoors. got stung many a time", "on the run back but nowhere near the valuables.", "edit: spelling" ]

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[ "so lately, my friends have been telling me that i", "sound muffled when i call them. i googled it and", "somebody recommended that i clean the microphone", "on my phone. so i took a small pin and started to", "scrape gunk out of my microphone. i noticed that", "there was a ton of black lint stuck in there and", "i picked at it until it all came out. after i was", "done, i did the same thing to the speaker on top.", "turns out the black lint was the felt covering", "the speaker and i tore it all out piece by piece.", "i looked online and found out it's part of the", "digitizer which costs about 180 usd. so i either", "live with atrocious sounding audio or shell out", "half the cost of a new phone." ]

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[ "my family recently bought some sticky rice", "desserts from an asian supermarket around a week", "ago. these desserts are the type with red bean", "paste insides and chewy outsides. they were", "delicious, and nevertheless, i got hooked on them", "really quickly. i remember the last time i bought", "some i bought like four packs of them and ate", "them all in a few days.", "well, fast forward a few days and i'm suddenly", "getting really really bad constipation and am", "almost literally dying at home. like, sitting on", "the toilet for six hours in the middle of the", "night bad after i woke up with horrible pain in", "the middle of the night. the day before, i just", "thought that my intestines were a bit weird when", "i couldn't pass stool, but turns out it was", "something worse", "spent a total of four hours on the toilet, waking", "up almost four times trying each time to pass", "stool for an hour, wracked with horrible pain,", "before giving up and trying to sleep. it hurt to", "the point that the pain throbbed throughout my", "whole body like a huge burn, and was extremely", "painful. those of you who have experienced", "constipation, it's bad. to the point where my", "body was heating up so bad, and i even took off", "all my clothes and turned off the light in the", "bathroom because the mere stimulation of the", "clothes and brightness hurt my brain and my body.", "even worse, the pain made it hard to actually", "concentrate on passing stool, so the majority of", "the time was sitting, experiencing excruciating", "pain, and using the brief moments of respite to", "try and pass, with no success.", "waking up the next day, i managed to pass a", "little after a lot of effort. stayed home and", "spent the rest of the day eating yogurt and", "bananas and plum juice extract (i'm asian, and", "it's supposed to help pass stool or something),", "then spending an hour at a time on the toilet", "trying to pass over and over again. day two of", "the constipation, and it got a bit better (only a", "little bit), and i wasted more of my time trying", "to get rid of that damned clog in my intestines.", "in the night, it finally passed after much", "effort, but i was clueless as to what actually", "caused the constipation.", "turns out it was the sticky rice desserts that i", "ate in hordes a few days ago. because they were", "so sticky (and delicious because of that), the", "sticky rice was extremely hard to digest and", "tended to stick together in my intestines after", "the water was absorbed, causing constipation.", "most people only eat a few at most a day, i ate", "around ten a day, maybe even more. the amount of", "sticky rice increased more and more each day i", "ate it until i ate around thirty mochi's worth of", "sticky rice and red bean paste, which ended up", "causing hell to my intestines because they're", "stupid like that.", "one week has passed and i still don't touch it", "despite how much is still in the fridge, maybe", "two pack's worth (or around 8 pieces of mochi). i", "was literally traumatized by the event, and the", "pain which couldn't even be cured with", "painkillers effectively, that i refused to touch", "it, and will refuse for a long while.", "and then eventually i will probably do the same", "thing and die on the toilet again, just like this", "time. don't eat too much sticky rice, kids! it'll", "kill you, almost." ]

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[ "obligatory \"not today\" but actually a couple", "fridays ago.", "high school cross country season was coming to a", "close. in the morning, i made the classic mistake", "of forgetting to throw a pair of running shorts", "into my bag for practice in the afternoon. should", "have been no big deal right? people forget shorts", "all the time, and today should have been no", "different for lending shorts. unfortunately for", "myself, but to the amusement of others, i had", "been joking about running in jeans for weeks. i", "was being held to my word, so i manned up and", "stuck myself to it as well.", "running in jeans it was then. now mind you, i", "wasn't boasting *real* denim. it was the stretchy", "material made to look like denim but was much", "more comfortable. sure, i got weird looks from", "other runners on the team, but i was ready to", "rock the look. the trust i had in the fashion", "would later come to haunt me. in true cross", "country spirit, i decided to run shirtless. it's", "just what everyone, especially the upper varsity", "guys that i chose to run with, did, and i", "followed along. we all have awful, twiggy upper", "bodies, but the comfort outweighs the blinding", "effects.", "it was a pretty normal run up until the end. i", "experienced little chafing at the crotch due to", "the aforementioned materials, it was cold as hell", "and raining so i wasn't sweating too much in", "them. i felt good, had a laugh with the boys", "after a killer joke, thoroughly enjoying my time", "and mostly forgot that i was wearing jeans.", "that's when the question struck.", "\"doesn't he look like a male stripper?\" one of my", "friends asked.", "sorry what?\n\n\"yeah he does,\" the team agreed.", "oh no.", "\"hey isaiah, i bet you $10 to go slap his ass,\"", "said another friend.", "oh shit.", "to be fair, shirtless and in jeans, i really did", "look like a male stripper. i pulled a usain bolt", "and sprinted outta that group. i was not about to", "be sexually violated on the basis of wearing", "jeans. now i'm a good runner, but running with", "the upper varsity guys that day put me at a", "severe disadvantage. the friend who we'll call", "isaiah is a much better short distance runner", "than i am. it took little effort to hunt my ass", "down. as he approached, with hand pulled back and", "ready to strike, i covered my ass with my left", "hand. *wham.*", "immediate pain. he had missed my ass entirely and", "managed to jam my pinkie pretty damn hard. this", "wasn't the first time i'd damaged that same", "finger (a story for another time), and i have to", "say it hurt significantly less than before. in", "fact, i didn't even think it was harmed beyond a", "little pain from the impact. that was my second", "mistake. isaiah saw the pain i was in, as i", "clutched my finger, though still running.", "\"damn, i'm sorry! i had to! if it makes you feel", "better, slap my ass back.\"", "sounds good.", "despite how weird and a little gay his offer may", "have been, i took him up on it. with the same", "hand that i just had smacked to oblivion, i", "quickly primed my arm and beat him back. and", "hard. probably with greater force than he used", "initially. yeah, i managed to hurt him a little,", "but it backfired completely. my left pinkie", "started *searing* with pain, and it already", "showed signs of swelling.", "we finished practice without any further", "incident, and i returned home to assess the", "damage. it was very clearly swollen and was", "beginning to bruise. while not a huge impact to", "my running performance, it was the last thing i", "needed the day before a big meet. i found the", "finger splint i had used for my previous injury", "and continued with life. the next day, it was", "still swollen and very purple (wish i had a", "picture of this, it was disgusting). the next", "week, it was still swollen and very purple. only", "up until a few days ago could i return to playing", "saxophone without pain. definitely fractured to a", "degree, not a fun experience, but makes for a", "great story." ]

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[ "so today i went to do some basic grocery shopping", "with my older sister. we get along pretty well,", "and usually joke around when we are together.", "today was no exception, as we were cracking jokes", "about the other customers, different products we", "saw there, and basically anything that came to", "mind.", "i happened to find a soda that was big back in my", "early gaming/programming days, and for", "nostalgia's sake grabbed a couple bottles.", "sis and i continued our shopping, her giving me a", "difficult time about my purchases touching her", "stuff, so i licked my index finger and rubbed it", "all over one of her sodas. she claimed to be", "\"traumatized\" by my being indecent with her", "things, and i just laughed.", "all was well, and continued in this vein as we", "got to the checkout. she \"complained\" to the", "cashier that i was following her and harassing", "her. i reminded her that since i drove, if she", "was feeling that harassed, she was welcome to", "carry her shit home by herself. the cashier", "could see that we were just goofing around, and", "took it all in stride.", "i began to load my items onto the conveyor belt,", "waiting for my sister to finish paying for her", "things. and then it happened -- the cashier", "advanced the conveyor belt, and my bawls, which i", "had placed unsafely on the conveyor, fell to the", "floor.", "as my bawls hit, a sticky geyser erupted,", "spraying 12 feet into the air, and splattering", "all over this old lady in a wheelchair one lane", "over. she was horrified that the contents of my", "bawls had been sprayed on her hair, face, and", "arms.", "my sister was mortified, and offered to help the", "lady clean the discharge from my bawls off her", "skin. the old lady, well and truly traumatized", "by having been publicly violated by my bawls,", "could only sit there in mute shock as my sister", "carefully wiped the sticky discharge off her", "skin.", "we finally finished our shopping trip, paid for", "our things, and left.", "all the way home, we were joking about my sister", "holding my bawls, cleaning up after my bawls, and", "any other play on words that came to mind. i had", "her laughing so hard her sides hurt and tears", "were streaming from her eyes." ]

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[ "this was actually about a week ago.", "rocketry is dangerous, obviously. however, the", "level of disregard for protocol and general", "fuckery on my part was astounding, even looking", "back from a place of general ignorance. let me", "paint a picture; about half a dozen scrawny nerds", "are standing in a field preparing to launch our", "model rocket. it was built from a comically over", "sized engine and several feet of lightweight", "piping, which tapered to point. i had been chosen", "to be launch technician because i was the oldest.", "so i'm out in the middle of a field sweating my", "ass off trying to fit the spark cables to the", "engine. i finally get the cables set off and give", "a thumbs up to the crew, who starts counting down", "from twenty. at around ten, i decide that i have", "enough time to change the course before launch.", "here's where i fucked up; i forgot to signal to", "my crew to stop the launch. so while i'm trying", "to get the rocket pointed in the right direction,", "they start the engine while it's in my hands. the", "rocket launches forwards, and i burn my hands on", "the plastic tubing that i was gripping. as the", "rocket passes me, i burn my hand on the engine", "exhaust as well. now, my hands smell like sulfur,", "but the burn has mostly healed." ]

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[ "obligatory: this happened yesterday, not today.", "i opened my computer yesterday and turned it on,", "only to be welcomed not by my lock screen but my", "a blank screen. i got really worried, and googled", "some solutions but none of them worked.", "so i freaked out, and called hp tech support,", "hoping they could solve my issue. and the bot", "started talking to me, telling me to go to the", "website. i think to myself, “no, i already", "visited your website. it did nothing except make", "me feel worse. lead me to a human being please.”", "so after telling me how to get to the website 3", "times in a row, it finally started to connect me", "to a rep. but not before saying, “make sure you", "have your serial and model number prepared before", "talking to your representative.”", "so i have an oh shit moment, because i wanted", "everything to go smoothly and get my pc fixed", "asap.", "i hang up, google how to find the numbers (cuz", "i’m weird like that), and call again. same thing,", "bot tells me to go to the site, i listen to it", "tell me 3 more times, then it starts connecting", "me again.", "then this guy with the strongest accent answers.", "i’m not trying to offend anyone, but i had a", "really hard time understanding what he was", "saying. he tells me to give him my name and some", "random number that i can’t provide. after telling", "him my name, i pause long enough at the number", "that he just tells me not to worry about it.", "he moves on, asking for the serial and model", "number, which i do provide. then my billing", "address, all that good stuff.", "he says he can fix my computer from there, since", "it was a software issue, and i’m like, “oh sweet,", "finally. my computer can be fixed.” a blue screen", "pops up with a bunch of options, and i think that", "i’m saved! wouldn’t you? hell, i was celebrating.", "then he slaps this frickin treaty on the table.", "metaphorically, of course. and says that the only", "way he’ll be able to fix my computer is if i pay", "for an expensive warranty or pay $100 for a", "one-time fix right then and there.", "after about 10 minutes of unprogressive", "negotiation with this dude who i could barely", "understand, it got to the point where i said", "screw it, told him that i couldn’t pay at that", "moment and call again in a week when i had the", "money to do so. a big lie.", "i go to my computer and look at the screen of", "options. one of them said continue to windows,", "but i doubted that would work because of the", "software problem he mentioned. and the other said", "troubleshoot and advanced options. the", "troubleshoot failed, so i went to advanced and", "saw an option to hard reset my computer. without", "another option, i clicked on that and it went", "through the whole process.", "now, my computer is brand spankin’ new on the", "inside, but not the outside. like a sci-fi clone.", "but i lost a bunch of files like pictures and", "stuff i didn’t really want lost, like picture of", "my late great grandfather. what am i gonna say to", "my parents...?" ]

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[ "this fu is currently happening.", "i went over a friends house to watch the bama vs", "lsu game. we had a good number of drinks and i", "fell asleep while we watched saw afterwards. i", "don't know why but other people house's are the", "comfiest place to sleep. maybe i hate home but", "it's whatever. i woke up around 6 am slightly", "hungover. now mama jarob326 always told me to be", "a good guest. so, while i waited to be completely", "sober and drive home responsibly, i start", "sweeping his apartment.", "i see the doormat could use a good cleaning so i", "go out to the porch and sweep it off. i finish", "and when i try to go back inside, the door is", "locked. i would try to jump the surrounding fence", "but it's unstable and my 200 lb ass would", "probably break it.", "so now i'm outside surrounded by cigarette buds,", "puke (that i'm hoping is not mine), a fence, a", "broom, and a clean housemat listening to music", "and hoping my friend or his roommate wakes up.", "i'm just posting this on reddit to past the time.", "but my phone is at 5% so i'm really starting to", "get worried.", "update: so i finally decided to just not give a", "fuck and jump the fence. not as hard as i thought", "it would be. went out front, rung the doorbell,", "my friend's roommate came out (pissed that i", "ruined his sunday morning), got my stuff and", "left. i finally made it home about an hour ago,", "took a long shower and now i'm here." ]

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[ "so this only happened last night and i'm sure the", "thought of it will be funnier after a while but", "it still kinda hurts to think about it.", "first off a little background. i'm barely 18 and", "i've only gotten into my vaping phase in the past", "month. at the start it was purely a social toy", "that i would use with my mates even though we all", "know it has a lame stigma around it. however,", "recently i have gotten into using liquids with", "nicotine in it as it gives me this super relaxed", "mindset for a comfortable 5 or so minutes.", "usually if i was wanting to do it i would just", "puff away in my car as it's somewhere my parents", "won't find out about it but last night i was in", "bed and decided to go for gold and just chill out", "a bit before passing out for the night. this", "kinda just involves me being cool as a cucumber", "and trying to blow some sick clouds.", "all is going swell and i'm cheerfully rocking off", "to sleep when i realise my fuck up as if it were", "a siren in my ear aaaaaand the reason for that", "was probably because it literally was a siren in", "my ears.... i'd unfortunately forgotten about the", "smoke alarm in my room.", "now even though my sick(ish) clouds aren't smoke", "but vapour instead, i guess it has the same", "principle and triggers that painful beeping.", "naturally my parents wake up and make a break", "into my room with me - one hand opening a window", "and the other fanning the smoke detector -", "surrounded by an unmistakable mist of cloud...", "clearly they weren't pleased so with no excuses", "under my pyjama-belt i had to tell them about my", "new \"hobby\" which ended up with them confiscating", "my $110 investment." ]

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[ "tifu by destroying things.", "i wanted to install a new lamp in my kitchen, but", "in order to do that a new hole in the lamp's", "enclosure was needed. i decided to drill the hole", "on my balcony because of the dust, etc. and there", "it happened. my (brand new) iphone 8 slipped out", "of my pocket and fell onto the balcony. it hit", "the door step and slided all across the balcony", "and fell. 4 stories right onto the street.", "luckily no one was hit... i ran down to get it,", "but - of course - it was broken, probably fubar.", "anyways... i continued to put up my lamp, and the", "next thing was boring the hole into the wall, so", "i can put up the lamp... at this point we decided", "to use a vacuum cleaner to collect all the dust", "directly while boring. well my vacuum cleaner was", "not the newest one and did not like the fine", "dust... it started to overheat and the motor", "burned up.", "after actually putting up the lamp and connecting", "everything we tried to put the light on and", "*woosh*, sitting in the dark. the ground", "protection wire was not properly connected and", "touched the live wire.", "picture of the phone:", "https://imgur.com/gallery/hozbq", "edit: fyi: it is still running... the display", "does not work... but it is still connected to my", "pebble and receives messages/notifications, etc." ]

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[ "this is happening as i’m writing this out. where", "i’m living now only has a handful of krispy kreme", "stores around and the closest one is a half hour", "away from me, so i only go when i hang out at a", "friends house for the weekend, which is about", "every 6 months or more, he only lives 15 mins", "away too, and i know that sounds pathetic but i", "have other adult responsibilities.", "so last night i set my alarm for 5:15am and went", "to bed at midnight. as i woke up and checked the", "time on the digital clock my friend has in his", "guest room, i noticed it was 5:20am and my alarm", "didn’t go off. ok no big deal, luckily i woke up", "at a good time. packed up, took insulin so i can", "eat when i get there (i am a type 1 diabetic),", "snuck out my friends house, put the coordinates", "into google maps and it warned me that i would be", "arriving at 4:55am and that it will still be", "closed. so i double taked and remembered that we", "get an extra hour today. so now i’m already out", "in my car, tired as hell, cold from the rain,", "with 40 units of insulin in me, craving some", "krispy kreme deliciousness. so i decide to just", "drive over there and wait an hour for them to", "open. i’m currently in the parking lot writing", "this out.", "first and foremost, we all know how heavenly that", "extra hour of sleep is and wouldn’t sacrifice it", "for anything but sadly i forgot about it like a", "chug and wasted this years on some donuts that i", "shouldn’t even be eating in the first place.", "secondly, i’m not feeling low quite yet and i", "have about 10 mins till opening so i’ll probably", "be fine but the thought that something bad could", "have happened in between getting there and", "waiting an hour is scary and foolish on my part." ]

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[ "in very short, my 6 month old cat started leaving", "this wretched smell everywhere in the house. and", "it some marks that stained sheets, clothing,", "sofa, etc. i took the poor guy to the vet and the", "guy tells me he's marking territory, and anyway", "it was about time to castrate so yeah let's go.", "not even a month later he starts at it again. on", "to the vet we go. this time he says \"oh it may", "very well be a urinary infection\", tested it, it", "apparently came positive and i've been feeding", "him special care food for a year now. and the vet", "said even despite food he would still release", "that smell sometimes.", "fast track to today and he's still doing it,", "albeit less. i had been searching online for", "urinary problems for months and always in that", "section. don't ask me how but it never occurred", "to me to search for anything else, after all i'm", "practical and if a vet says something, i'll", "believe it over half the internet.", "by chance i went online, searched for \"cat", "wretched scent\" and found on my own that he just", "has difficulty at emptying his anal glands. went", "to another vet who instantly confirmed this,", "taught me how to squeeze the liquid out, and now", "basically i do it every weekend and the cat has", "even been amazingly better, taking me 30s to do", "it rather than spending the hundreds i've been", "spending in special care food!" ]

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[ "hey reddit, this fuckup actually happened this", "morning and i'm still laughing about it.", "so, what happened was that i had just woken up", "and started my daily routine by taking the usual", "shite followed by a shower. so i head to the", "bathroom, strip down naked and sit in the toilet,", "still half-asleep. i'm just sitting there humming", "and thinking about how great pooping is, when i", "feel like i'm almost done but there's an extra", "clingy poop still hanging inside me, so i decide", "to make an extra effort and squeeze that last bit", "out.", "as i squeezed and grunted, my nose started to", "bleed heavily, probably due to that insane amount", "of effort i had just put in. so now i'm sitting", "there with my nose bleeding and getting blood all", "over the flood whilst trying to stop it, but i", "haven't wiped my ass yet and there's no way to do", "it since my hand is all bloody now and i would", "just spread the blood on my cheeks. i try to grab", "ahold of the toilet paper but fail miserably due", "to the confusion of what the fuck just happened,", "so now there's paper and blood all over the", "floor, and my arse is still unclean. what a smart", "man would have done was to get in the shower,", "clean off their hand and arse, and then proceed", "to clean the messy floor. however, you probably", "noticed i am not a smart man and i tried to clean", "the floor first by using a water bucket i keep in", "the shower (to avoid wasting water) but i'm", "trying not to look down since i don't want to get", "blood on the floor despite it alredy being a", "fucking mess. this only caused me to fail and", "spill the water bucket all over the bathroom,", "which is now filled with blood, paper and water.", "i use a towel to stop the flood and proceed to", "step in the shower in shock, still wondering", "about what the fuck the past 5 minutes of my life", "have been. my mind then clicked and i decided to", "finally take a shower, clean my filthy body and", "then proceed to undo the chaos i had just brought", "upon myself while crying either real or laughing", "tears." ]

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[ "this happened yesterday. a little backstory, my", "brother lives with my grandparenrs but he comes", "home on weekends. so yesterday my brother brought", "home a gameboy advance that he borrowed from his", "friend with the pokémon firered a week back or", "so. in this day and age, gameboys are really hard", "to find and i was very excited and intrigued to", "see one so i wanted to try playing it. after he", "went to sleep, i wanted to help him a little by", "training his pokémon. at this point the battery", "was at \"orange\". i thought that it would be able", "to last awhile without dying so i played for", "quite some time. after an hours work, the battery", "got low(red) and i was tired so i decided to save", "but as i saved the gameboy advance shut down and", "the battery went flat. when he turned it on", "again, there was no data left. he lost everything", "and had to restart. he is a 10year old boy and", "feels extremely upset. i feel horrendous, he had", "a week worth of data and it all went to waste", "because i wanted to try and play the gameboy." ]

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[ "obligatory this didn't happen today, but about six", "weeks ago.", "at the end of the summer, myself and a few", "friends went on holiday to amsterdam. things got", "off to a bumpy start and our flight out was", "cancelled due to storm aileen; as a result we had", "to fly out the next day. this meant i went", "through east midlands airport security twice, on", "two separate days (this is important later).", "so we have the holiday, have a pretty great time,", "and then the day comes to fly back home. we're", "going through security in schiphol airport and my", "rucksack gets pulled to one side. i'm a pretty", "anxious person as it is so i instantly start", "panicking a little bit, but assume i probably", "forgot to take out something i should've done.", "i have to stand to one side so other people can", "get through, and they return my jacket, phone,", "shoes etc to me but keep my rucksack. at this", "point i'm starting to worry more because i've", "been waiting there for nearly five minutes and no", "ones told me whats going on. they send my bag", "through the machine again and then start pulling", "things out, swabbing them down and sending them", "through the machine individually. there's nothing", "too incriminating in there, just some shoes, my", "camera, a book etc but by now i'm really worked", "up.", "and then they start going through the pockets.", "one side is empty, but the other has a load of", "old keyrings i put in there nearly a year", "beforehand and promptly forgot about. they pull a", "few out and then, lo and behold, out comes this", "bullet keyring my brother had given to me ages", "ago.", "for reference, the keyring was an actual bullet", "that had misfired, and been made into a keyring.", "it had the dint in the bottom, and there was no", "gunpowder or any form of explosive in it - it was", "just the empty shell. of course, schiphol", "security don't know this, and my heart sinks when", "they pull it out.", "the man asks me what it is (\"erm, it's clearly a", "keyring\") and where i got it from (\"my brother", "gave it to me when i was, like, 10\"). i'm on the", "verge of tears at this point, the security guard", "was basically treating me like i'd brought a bomb", "to the airport, and when he says \"i'm going to", "have to call the police\" and walks off i burst", "into tears.", "apparently he didn't like having a crying 20 year", "old in the middle of security, and so after", "repeatedly saying \"madam calm yourself\" (to which", "my boyfriend replied \"you just said you're", "calling the police, i'm not surprised she's", "crying\"), he says it's just procedure given the", "'nature' of the situation; all the while i'm", "mumbling \"but it's just a keyring\" which he", "didn't seem too impressed with.", "after an agonising wait (which legit felt like", "half an hour but which i've been assured was only", "ten minutes) the policeman shows up and grills me", "again over what it is, where i got it etc, and by", "now it's been clarified that 1) i have no trace", "of explosives on anything and 2) it's definitely", "just a keyring. eventually the policeman tells me", "that i should be fined £200, but seeing as it was", "my 'first offence' (\"what, having a keyring?\")", "they'd let me off with a warning; but if i tried", "to do it again i'd get the fine and potentially", "denied entry to the country. he then took a photo", "of my passport to go on the airport's permanent", "records. once he said i could go, i asked if i", "could have the keyring back - which no one was", "impressed by and i was told it was going to have", "to be destroyed, which i can understand, but at", "the same time...it was a keyring. really, the", "thing that concerned me the most was how i", "managed to get the keyring through east midlands", "security twice, on two separate days, without", "anyone noticing." ]

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[ "so this tifu actually happened today and i still", "cant quite comprehend how bad i fucked up.", "first some backstory:", "my mom and some of her friends have a", "\"tippgemeischaft\" together wich means they", "regularly buy a ticket for the weekly lottery and", "share tve cost, aswell as any prices.", "they play the german lotto, where u choose 6", "numbers from 1 to 49 and if the 6 numbers drawn", "that week are the same as yours you win the", "jackpot.", "my mom and her tippgemeinschaft choose the same", "numbers every week for the last few years since", "they started.", "this is where i come in. this week was my mothers", "turn to get the ticket, but shes on vacation so", "she told me to get the ticket with the usual", "numbers.", "my lazy ass thought going out today just to get", "it wouldnt be worth it as your chances at winning", "are basically 0, so dont go out to get the ticket", "and plan to tell my mom i already discarded the", "loosing ticket when she comes back next week.", "guess what. evening comes around and out of", "curiosity i watch the draw of the winning numbers", "and they are exactly my moms numbers. all 6.", "now im sitting here trying to find a way to tell", "my mom i basically lost a few million bucks for", "her and all her friends because i was too lazy to", "drive 5 minutes to the store." ]

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[ "yes, this actually happened 7 hours ago or so.", "i came back home with a copy of titanfall 2 i", "just bought. put it into my ps4, 6gb patch. well,", "i'll do something productive i thought to myself.", "i grabbed the 2 or 3 plates i had on my table", "since yesterday and went to the kitchen.", "all was well until the last plate. i grabbed it", "and started going to town, but this particular", "plate did not like to take showers. just when i", "got it nice and soapy it escaped my grasp and hit", "the wall of the sink, broke in half, apparently", "reached speed of light and sliced right through", "my hand. before i even realised the plate had", "escaped, i gazed right into the interior of my", "hand. being polish, i pulled off the meanest,", "loudest kurwa i've ever heard while looking for", "some type of bandage.", "fast forward 7 hours, i'm sitting in er and have", "been for the past 5 hours, wondering how i", "managed to cut myself with a round object,", "waiting to be stitched while being laughed at by", "every nurse after telling them what happened.", "considering i can't move a single finger, i don't", "think i'll be playing any titanfall anytime soon.", "ps: if you're wondering, the cut is between my", "thumb and my wrist. it's only about 5cm long but", "deep as fuck.", "edit: few words", "**proof: http://imgur.com/a/i1mue", "can't get anything better, i'd write reddit on it", "but i have no pen.**", "**proof2: http://imgur.com/a/azqpx found a note", "with a recent date+time.**", "**proof3: http://imgur.com/a/r2cgr should be", "enough.**", "**post er edit: 2 stitches, antibiotics, a needle", "to the buttcheek to prevent infection and a", "referral letter to another hospital on monday.", "i've \"partially\" cut one of the nerves or", "whatever, i can move and feel my thumb perfectly", "fine from what i can tell, but they want to have", "a look at it anyway. if they're not happy with", "how well i can move my thumb i'll have to have", "the stitches removed and the wound opened up all", "over again so they can have a look at it. fuck", "plates.**" ]

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[ "background: this happened over the course of", "friday to saturday. i've had the same", "ipod/radio/general purpose speaker for several", "years, and it's in \"less than perfect\" condition.", "on friday mornings, i need to get to work an hour", "earlier than usual, so i was in a bit more of a", "rush on my way out. unfortunately, in my haste, i", "tripped over the power cable for my speaker.", "fortunately, i did not fall over. unfortunately,", "that's because the cable got yanked out of the", "back of my speaker. fortunately, it's clipped in", "to the back, and is designed to do that. since", "this was no big deal, i forgot about it, and went", "to work.", "that afternoon, i return to plug my speaker back", "in. but when i plug it in, the digital clock does", "not turn on. a few more seconds, and then smoke", "starts coming out the back... oops!", "so i go on to an unnamed online store (which i", "will code-name \"optimus\"), and find that they", "have the new & improved model of my old speaker!", "luckily, i have optimus prime, so i get 1-day", "shipping. easy choice.", "cue saturday. i go to install (aka plug in) my", "new speaker, and as as i plug it in, i notice", "that the am radio port happens to be identical to", "the power supply port. suspicious, i go over to", "my old speaker to find the supply plugged into", "the am port. i plug it in again, and sure enough,", "it springs to life as if nothing had ever", "happened. i don't think i've ever used to am", "radio feature, and the other functionality", "doesn't seem impacted. and so i basically", "replaced a \"working\" speaker." ]

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[ "so yesterday afternoon i had the house to myself", "with my girlfriend over at the time. i'm in", "college so free time is plentiful. she was on her", "period and was being grumpy and staying in my bed", "when i wanted to go downstairs, drink some beer", "and watch the new magicians episode. well, as i", "was trying to get her to leave my bed i decided", "to pull off my socks to get more comfortable.", "they were a tight pair of socks so i just yanked", "on the right one hard to pull it off with just my", "left thumb. a noise like an extremely loud", "knuckle crack occurred and blinding pain brought", "tears to my eyes immediately. i was useless and", "just walking around swearing and moaning in pain", "for a few seconds until my girlfriend jumped out", "of bed (oh yeah it takes severe pain to get her", "to move that quickly) where she helped me ice it", "and make sure i did not break it or damage it too", "badly. even with icing it and trying to minimize", "movement it hurts a lot. when i was younger, i", "fucked up by dislocating my thumb when i was 10", "(another tifu i plan to write eventually). i", "badly dislocated it enough that it required", "surgery to fix. so, it has always been the weaker", "thumb with a bit limited range of mobility." ]

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[ "this all started with a morning craving for a", "[dutch baby", "pancake](http://camillestyles.com/wp-content/uplo", "ads/2013/09/dutch-baby-pancake-recipe3.jpg),", "little did i know about the unfortunate series of", "events that would follow. all the following took", "less than 15 minutes to take place, all of it.", "it was a fine saturday morning when i poured my", "pancake dough in the pan and noticed the texture", "was off, i thought nothing of it but then it", "stuck the pan in the oven. it was only then that", "i realized i forgot to add flour to the mix, so", "basically i was just making scrambled eggs!", "by way of damage control, i took the pan out and", "placed it on the stove and somehow accidentally", "touched the handle, completely forgetting that", "it's still scorching hot. screaming in pain, and", "knowing that the tap water is too warm, i ran to", "the freezer, filled a bowl with ice and water and", "immediately dip my hand in to cool it off. little", "did i know that that's when i'd get a sudden", "inexplicable rush of dizziness and nausea. i felt", "it.. i just knew that right there and then i'd", "pass the hell out. and as a failed precautionary", "measure, i drag myself to the nearest armchair", "only to suddenly find myself regaining", "consciousness on the floor.", "my head was awfully throbbing in pain, after it", "decided to test how solid he cement wall was as i", "was going down. not to be outdone, my bladder", "decided to release itself while i was knocked", "out.", "but if you think that was it, you're as mistaken", "as i was.. still nauseous and dizzy, i started", "cleaning the mess up, all while getting quick", "escalating cramps and guess what? yep.. aunt ruby", "decides to drop by and i got my period right", "about the same time i fainted and had another", "hour of pain to endure.", "i curled up into a traumatized, nauseous and", "still dizzy ball as i silently sobbed on the", "bathroom floor." ]

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[ "late last night. beverages were involved.", "i was trying to clear an obstruction in the drain", "on my kitchen sink. i was using a pretty unique", "shaped chopstick to dislodge the block. this", "chopstick is a nice lacquered strong stick that", "tapers down to a sharper point than most others.", "the first fu is i placed the chopstick down for a", "second and when i picked it up i didn't realist", "the sharp end was up, and i was holding it cupped", "in the palm of my hand.", "the second fu was i then jammed it back down the", "drain but hit something that didn't budge,", "stabbing the sharp end into the middle of my", "palm.", "i stood stunned for a moment just starring at", "this stick poking into my flesh, perfectly", "perpendicular. then the blood. it really really", "bled. fortunately the bleeding mostly stopped as", "soon as i applied pressure.", "it hurts like mad (not surprisingly) and my palm", "is pretty numb." ]

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[ "not actually today, but a few days ago, being the", "burning ball of hormones that comes with being a", "teenager, i was constantly looking for any", "possible form of stimulation i could get. i had", "read online that anal stimulation feels good,", "especially for guys, so i have the bright idea of", "doing it... with a drum stick (a wooden one for", "actual drums, not chicken haha). yeah, as you can", "imagine from the title it did not end well", "(although i've done it a few times before with", "better results) and within 45 minutes i was in", "screaming pain. initially i had thought i was", "just extremely constipated but that turned out to", "not be the case. after the pain had died out to a", "point where i could contain my profanities, my", "parents took me to the er. after getting x-rays", "and ct scans, they found that there was free air", "where there shouldn't be, and i had a hole", "somewhere in my intestines, so surgery would be", "the best course of action. as chron's disease was", "a worry, i pulled aside the surgeon and explained", "exactly how i ended up like this, which made way", "more sense to him. unfortunately, this meant that", "an explanation was due to my parents, so i took", "the bullet on that one and came clean. luckily,", "i'm slowly but surely beginning to recover", "edited for clarity" ]

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[ "it all started in high school science class. i", "tried to change position in my seat and noticed a", "faint pain coming from my testicles, but i", "ignored it and convinced myself that it was just", "because the way i was sitting and continued on", "with my work. the day progressed and in turn the", "pain got consistently worse and by the end of the", "day i could barely even walk, by this point i was", "understandingly a little worried and waddled home", "as fast as possible. my first instinct when i got", "home was to get changed and completely ignore the", "pain and hope for it to disperse. bad idea, it", "became unbearably painful and i couldn't move", "without feeling like someone had just given me", "acupuncture in my testicles, the pain would now", "shoot all the way through my entire body and make", "me physically sick with the pain. it was now", "definitely time to go to the doctors at witch an", "old nurse felt my testicles and judged how i", "acted to see if she could determinate what it was", "and then came to the conclusion that i had a", "twisted testicle and needed an operation", "immediately. the next thing i remember was waking", "up with an extreme urge to urinate and so i moved", "the covers off and witness what had happened to", "my beautiful testicles. there was a large number", "of stitches(cant remember how many) all the way", "up the sack and iodine everywhere. it then took", "me all of 10 minutes to realize that i could not", "urinate at that point in time due to the pain in", "that area. i was then unable to walk for at least", "2 weeks and unable to go back to school for a", "month. also i found out at a later date that if i", "had gone to the doctors even an hour later i", "would be infertile." ]

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[ "disclaimer: this was a few months back and i've", "just now gotten around to posting it.", "preface: i'm a weather photographer and i", "sometimes do a lot of maybe not so smart things", "to get a cool picture. this was one of those", "days. common sense was not with me at this", "moment. there were several things wrong with what", "i was doing. there was a pretty lightning", "intensive thunderstorm moving in rapidly from my", "north. i was standing on one of the literal", "highest hills around facing that direction. i", "proceeded to steady my footing in the gravel", "against a small metal pole. as i'm taking a", "picture, lightning hits the ground extremely", "close, and arcs over to said pole that my leg is", "against about the thigh area. what happens next", "was quite quick but very clear. everything became", "horribly blindingly bright so that i couldn't", "see, the boom was so loud my ears rang for quite", "a while afterwards, and then everything hurt", "really, really, really, bad for a second and i", "fell to the ground. it felt like my heart stopped", "for a second. my parents were in a parked vehicle", "probably not 200 ft from me and saw the whole", "thing. they had the pleasure of taking me to the", "emergency room despite me telling them i felt", "fine except my leg hurt and i was a little dazed.", "i'm now much more careful of lightning too. and", "there's a weird red mark on my leg but somehow", "i'm miraculously not medically damaged from that.", "but i got my picture.", "edit for imgur link: https://m.imgur.com/ksziyn9" ]

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[ "so, this all happened when i was in high school. i", "was a trumpeter in the marching band and we had", "band camp every day the week before school", "started up. being an angst-filled 15 year old, my", "mother would always drive me to practice. so we", "get in the car to start the drive to hell, i", "mean, practice...(i did not enjoy marching band,", "but my mother was a music teacher so i got sucked", "in) out of boredom and dread, i stick a piece of", "gum in my mouth as we get on to the high way. a", "few minutes later, my mother realized i was", "chewing gum, and being the music teacher she was,", "ordered me to spit it out before we got to", "practice so the sugar wouldn't ruin the inside of", "my trumpet. i angrily agreed, though i did not", "like the idea of wasting a newly-chewed,", "perfectly good piece of gum. so i rolled down the", "window and was about to spit it out when i", "realized that if i didn't spit it far enough, it", "could get stuck to the car. i may have been", "angsty back then, but i was still somewhat", "considerate. but, unfortunately, not very", "bright... i then proceed to stick my entire head", "out of the car to spit my gum out, going 65mph on", "the high way(which seemed completely reasonable", "to me at the time), and the wind ripped my", "glasses off my face. from the rush of the wind on", "my face and beiber hair, i hadn't realized", "anything had gone awry till i stuck my head back", "inside and realized i was blind. my mom ended up", "popping a u-turn in the middle of the highway to", "go back and retrieve them before they were run", "over, but alas, it was too late. after a few", "minutes of searching, we found them broken and", "disfigured along the side of the road. the frame", "was completely destroyed and the lens were", "scratched up. these were fairly new glasses too,", "btw, so we weren't able to get replacement lens", "on our insurance. luckily, we were able to take", "them to an optical center and get the scratched", "lens fit into a new frame. they weren't a perfect", "fit, and would fall out occasionally, but at", "least i could somewhat see. i ended up using the", "same glasses for an entire year before i got a", "new pair. moral of the story? fuck marching band." ]

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[ "sorry for the bad format but i don't write stories", "ever. so as per usual this didn't happen today,", "it happened many years ago when i was in year 8.", "we were in our 2nd day of camp we had just", "finished going for a bush walk around a small", "waterfall, and i really needed to pee but there", "were no toilets and i wasn't going to pee in a", "bush in front of my whole class. the teacher", "decides that we will stop and go for swim in a", "pond, but i was too tired to go swimming so i", "decided to stay in the bus. while in the bus i", "was about to explode (probably literally) and the", "rest of the class and teachers weren't in eye", "shot so i decided to check some of the cups in", "the front to pee in, too my luck there was an", "empty milkshake cup with a lid, so i did as i", "think anyone would and i peed in it. so about", "twenty minutes later the class and all come back", "and we start heading back to our campsite along", "the way my teacher decides to take a sip from the", "milkshake cup and then almost instantly spits it", "out and looks back at us and yells \"who put shit", "in my drink!!!\" swerves on the road and almost", "crashes. later on when we got back at our", "campsite we all flat out deny it and we didn't", "get any sweets after diner.", "to this day i haven't told anyone in my class or", "the teachers" ]

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[ "tifu because quite a few years ago i went", "paintballing with my school and it was a fairly", "mediocre event but being the person i am i wanted", "to make it sound way cooler than it was. i then", "decided to put up a facebook post saying \"good", "day paintballing but 2 shots to the arm, 3 to the", "chest, 1 to the head and 1 to the nuts made it", "rather painful!\" so when when i get home i am", "explaining to my parents how my fun the day was", "but the shots to my body are quite sore and the", "one to my nuts is really sore but the comment got", "my parents concerned so they said i should", "probably inspect myself to make sure there is no", "damage done. i agree so i go to my room wait a", "few minutes and come back to tell my family the", "good knows that i will not need castrated anytime", "soon so my family are relieved. however, me being", "the idiot i am i jokingly say \"i wouldn't know", "what to look for anyway!\" thinking i was just", "cracking a funny little joke but my parents get", "really concerned by this so my dad thinks the", "best route of action is for him to inspect my", "genitals just to make sure everything was", "healthy. the worst part of it all is while i had", "my dad inspecting my genitals i knew fine well no", "one here needed to suffer through this because i", "had lied about the paintball shot to the dick", "just to make the day out seem funnier than it was", "but i was to deep into the lie that if i told", "them i would of had a lot of awkward explaining", "to everyone why i lied about it all and 12 year", "old me deemed it a worse situation than i was", "already in so i just had to endure one of the", "most uncomfortable experiences of my life.", "note: the reason my family was wanting to inspect", "was we had a family friend a year older than me", "who had to get their testicles removed due to", "testicular contortion as he played rugby" ]

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[ "so, i dyed my hair and wanted to take some", "pictures to send to my friends, i never wear", "makeup but was bored and ended up painting my", "nails as well as doing a full face of make up. i", "painted my nails fucking terribly and went to", "grab my new and full bottle nail polish remover.", "i am incredibly clumsy at the best of times, so", "as i struggled to open the bottle i managed to", "drop it. i watched as the bottle fell to the", "ground, bounce and spray the entire contents into", "my eye. as i screamed out \"fuck\" i leant forward", "into the bathroom basin, in attempt to wash it", "out, slipped on nail polish remover and smashed", "the part where your shoulder and neck meet (what", "the fuck is that bit called) onto the edge of the", "basin. once more screaming out \"fuck\", i shoved", "my face under the water forgetting that i was", "wearing mascara and eyeliner. cue more shit", "getting in my eye and screaming out \"fuck\" once", "again, as i blindly removed the makeup with wet", "ones and jumped in the shower to try and wash put", "my eye.", "my eye currently feels like satan's left", "testicle.", "please send help or death, thanks." ]

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[ "this happened yesterday. in school i have a class", "called outdoor ed. it's a class where you do", "outdoorsy things. near my school there is a", "creek. sometimes my class goes out to this creek.", "so we go to this creek. in the center of the", "creek there's a little island and people try to", "jump to it. there's also a little peninsula on", "the other side of the creek. the people jumping", "the little island started talking about jumping", "to the little peninsula. i decided i was going to", "jump the creek and land on the peninsula. since", "the creek with shallow. i thought it would only", "be a foot deep. so i take the jump. i miss the", "peninsula by 2/3 of a foot. and instead of the", "water being one foot deep it was 3 feet deep.", "that's why i'm glad it was the last class of the", "day", "sorry about any errors", "its 1:38 in the morning and i'm tired" ]

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[ "when i was in high school, my (then) boyfriend and", "i were really into this rap group that wasn't", "that well known at the time. we bought tickets to", "one of their shows in a small venue. it was my", "first concert, and i did not know how many people", "were going to be there, if there were seats, or", "how rowdy people would get. it was in the middle", "of the summer, so i wore a tank top, shorts, and", "flip flops.", "we get to the venue, and there were so many", "people stacked in this room, the stage was very", "close, and of course no seats; everyone was", "standing. once the group actually came out,", "people went insane. they were breaking out into", "fights, jumping around, and creating mosh pits.", "the whole crowd moved as one unit, and i was in", "the middle of it. (turns out my boyfriend had", "seen videos of their concerts and knew i", "shouldn't have worn sandals, but let me do it", "anyways.)", "i was actually having a good time; regardless of", "the fact that people were stepping all over my", "exposed feet. that was until one person hit my", "big toe nail, and i felt a very sharp pain. my", "boyfriend and i walk off to the bathrooms where", "there were lights, and i see my big toe nail", "ripped almost all the way off, skin underneath", "exposed. it was still attached at one corner.", "as much pain as i was in, i didn't leave the", "concert until it was over, i just stayed away", "from the crowds. when it was over, my mom drove", "us to the hospital, where i waited for hours with", "a dangling toe nail, and dried blood.", "once i got in to see the doctor, he told me what", "he was going to do. so, he cleaned up the tender", "skin, and brought out a huge needle. he stuck", "this needle in my toe five times, just to numb", "the damn thing. i would rather have all 10 of my", "toe nails be ripped off, then to ever feel the", "pain of that needle in my toe again.", "after it was numb (which felt very funny i might", "add,) he took the side of the nail that was not", "attached to skin, and shoved it back into the", "corner it belonged in. he then stitched the nail", "to the skin on that side. he told me it would", "heal better this way; the new nail that starts to", "grow underneath will push out the old one.", "sure enough, a couple weeks later, that old", "stitched up toe nail fell off on its own. after", "that, i was stuck with just healed skin and no", "toe nail for 6 months. i have an actual toenail", "now, and it's as good as new!" ]

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[ "a few days ago i was offered a graduate job", "interview down in london with a company that i", "really want to work for this coming monday.", "i've been frantically looking at my transport", "options from scotland as last summer i drove down", "past london to get my brother after he had an", "accident and it took nearly 24 hours there and", "back. seriously england, fuck your motorways and", "fuck your traffic (i'm looking at you london).", "it's safe to say i've been stressing out about", "this a stupid amount.", "about an hour ago i finally found flights that,", "whilst not what i would consider in any way", "cheap, were the cheapest option available. i", "happily selected my departure date of sunday 26th", "feb and happily confirmed my return date of", "monday the 27th. boom. success.", "confirmation email comes through. i'm feeling", "smug for beating the system and managing to get", "the cheapest flights that i'd seen after checking", "countless airlines and comparison websites over", "the last few days. non refundable flight but hey", "like that matters, not like i'm gonna bail at", "this point right?!", "**wrong.**", "there's a reason my flights were cheaper.", "outbound flight sun 26th feb", "inbound flight mon 27th **march**", "i am a fucking idiot." ]

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[ "this happened about 8 years ago. my mom and dad", "were going out of town for a few weeks and they", "asked me to stay at their house to take care of", "their 3 dogs. i agreed and i came over a day", "early so my mom could run me through a list of", "\"dog chores\" including which food/how much each", "dog needed as well as a list of medications that", "their oldest dog (he was 13) needed to take. she", "stocked up on food and had picked up another", "months supply of the medications since there was", "only about a week's worth left in the original", "bottle.", "anyways, everything was going fine a few days in,", "when i was asked to do a long distance patient", "transport (i was an emt at the time) which would", "require me to be away for at least 24 hrs. i", "jumped at the chance to earn some extra money and", "got to work on making arrangements to have", "someone take care of the dogs while i was away.", "my parents neighbor was kind enough to help so i", "gave her the same food/meds rundown that my", "mother had given me.", "when i got home from the transport early in the", "morning 2 days later, i found a bit of a mess on", "the floor near the kitchen. i'd left a pair of my", "boots out and the youngest dog ( i think a little", "less than a year) had decided to eat the fluffy", "lining out of them. there there was a trail of", "black fuzz on the carpet leading to him, still", "working on a good chunk of what was left of my", "boot. that's when i noticed something else. the", "tall, green, plastic bottle of the older dogs", "medication, chewed up and completely empty on the", "ground. i'd specifically shown my neighbor where", "the meds were kept and the bottle i'd shown her", "was completely full (as i didn't know how long", "i'd be gone for) so i go into panic mode", "immediately. i call the vet and tell them that", "the pup had eaten an entire bottle of meds (they", "are flavored so i assumed he thought they were", "treats). a vet tech answered the phone but told", "me me she was still the only one in the office as", "they didn't open for another 30 minutes. she old", "me to give the dog hydrogen peroxide to induce", "vomiting and then bring him in as soon as they", "opened. i also called an emergency 24 hr vet who", "basically told me to do the same thing. so i'm", "wrestling this poor puppy trying to get the", "hydrogren peroxide in his mouth and it's pretty", "much impossible. after struggling for 20 minutes,", "i said fuck it and loaded him up into the car to", "go to the vet.", "at this point i'm hysterical, thinking i'd", "somehow killed this poor sweet little guy. i'm", "sobbing in the lobby at the vet and the doctor", "comes out to talk to me. she says they induced", "vomitting and he thrown up a bit of plastic bag", "but nothing else so it's possible the meds had", "already been digested. she told me that the", "amount of meds he took would probably cause his", "organs to fail and that there wasn't much they", "could do but try to flush him with fluids and", "monitor his progress. they put him in a tiny cage", "to reduce his movement (he was a big puppy btw,", "he's about 130 lbs now) and told me to go home", "and they'd update me when they knew more.", "at home, i cried for hours. my dad had given my", "mom the new puppy after her other dog passed away", "unexpectedly. my mom was devastated by her dogs", "death, she laid on the ground with him as his", "heart stopped, screaming \" don't leave me\". she", "watched as people came to pick up his body and", "carelessly toss him into the back of a pick up", "truck ( i was fucking livid at the way they", "handled his body, but that another story...) she", "had finally started to come out of her funk when", "the new puppy had arrived and now i'd gone and", "killed him too.", "when it came time to give the older dog his", "medicine, i went in search of the bottle that", "only had a few pills left. i'd left it out on the", "counter, separate from the other medications. i", "couldn't find it anywhere. now i'm freaking out", "because i have nothing to give the older dog who", "actually needs them. i call my neighbor hoping to", "ask her if she'd seen the second bottle, no", "answer. later that evening she returned my call.", "she told me she'd thrown the bottle in the trash", "because she'd used up the last of the", "pills........fuck! i ran to the kitchen, opened", "the cabinet where the meds were kept and there,", "behind another bottle, was the completely full", "bottle of medication. i'd assumed the neighbor", "had left the meds out and that the pup had", "snatched them off the counter. it turned out, the", "puppy had actually gotten into the trash, he", "probably licked the residue out of the empty", "bottle and chewed it up. at worst, he'd ingested", "a miniscule amount of the medication.", "i called the vet and explained to them the mix", "up. they told me that the puppy had seemed", "perfectly fine the entire time they'd been", "monitoring him and that i could come pick him up", "asap. when i arrived at the vet, i was greeted by", "a perfectly healthy, albeit over excited, puppy", "and a $1,000 + bill for all the emergency care", "they'd provided him. i was paying that bill off", "for two years on my shitty emt salary." ]

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[ "unlike many tifus, this actually happened just", "now. let me fill in some backstory. it all", "started a week or so ago when gizmodo linked to", "an amazon deal on a back shaving blade with a", "long handle. this evening i decided to give it a", "try. worked pretty well, as far as i can tell.", "lots of hair on the bathroom floor. since i was", "in manscaping mode, i also did my chest and belly", "with my normal grooming tool. it had been a", "while since i'd cleaned myself up, so there was", "hair *everywhere*.", "i started to go grab the vacuum, but realized it", "was downstairs, right in front of our (open)", "front door. i could hear the neighborhood kids", "playing on the sidewalk right outside, and", "figured maaaaybe it wasn't the best time to", "flounce my naked ass down the stairs where i'd be", "visible to everyone through the glass storm door.", "\"no problem,\" i thought to myself, kicking all", "the hair up into a pile, i'll just get this", "later,\" and went on with taking a shower and", "otherwise getting ready for the evening.", "weeeelllll, i kinda forgot about it. that is,", "right up until the yelling started. my wife came", "bounding down the stairs, screaming about there", "being \"a rat or a squirrel or *something*\" hiding", "under the bathroom vanity. i immediately", "realized what had happened and started", "chuckling...right as she slipped on the stairs,", "landing *hard* on her coccyx.", "so now she's near tears, in pain from a bruised", "tailbone, and i can't tell if she's more upset", "about the pain, the possible animal, or the fact", "that she's freaking out that now she won't be", "able to play in her adult-league soccer game this", "evening, and how everyone will be mad at her", "because there are never enough subs for the girls", "anyway. she's blubbering, the dog is all barking", "and excited because \"loud noises!\" and i am", "waffling between concern about her injury and", "trying to contain my giggles about what caused", "it.", "she, of course, immediately zeroed on my", "amusement, and demanded to know what was so", "funny. i sheepishly lifted my shirt and said", "\"it's not an animal...\" now she's really mad at", "me, and as punishment, has forbidden me from", "posting about it to facebook. luckily, she's not", "a redditor (that i know of).", "edit to add a couple photos of the hairpile:", "https://imgur.com/a/0xvf5 and a word for clarity." ]

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[ "this happened last night....", "my sister (38) and i (f 35) got tickets for the", "garth brooks concert. we have been fans since", "forever. this was definitely on both our bucket", "list. my wonderful husband was watching all the", "kids and her and i were chugging a few beers and", "getting ready to go. my husband surprises me with", "2 candies, so i asked her if she wanted some. i", "indulge quite often, she rarely does. she took", "half, i took the rest. on the car ride there it", "really started kicking in. she was already", "pretty paranoid before we even stepped foot in", "the arena. get her through security and just", "want to get her to our seats way up in the", "nosebleeds.", "as we are getting off the escalator way up on the", "top level a guy with a shoulder radio asks us", "where our seats are. i showed him our tickets", "and he says, \" oh these aren't that good, you", "should take these ones instead\". and he hands me", "2 tickets that say row 1!! i'm pretty god damn", "high at this point too so i couldn't quite wrap", "my mind around what had just happened. then an", "employee says, \" oh wow you got the upgrade.", "that's from garth's personal crew.\"", "so at this point we are pointed to the elevator", "to head back down to the floor. my sister is", "freaking out. can't focus on shit and is", "panicking. she needs to leave, can't handle the", "situation. i know that if i leave i can't get", "back in. so i called my husband, he's coming", "back to get us and i called my 2 best friends who", "are also there with other people. they might as", "well get front row seats.", "fast forward and i've talked with security,", "stating my sister has taken ill suddenly and i", "need to get her out to the waiting car but can i", "come back in. yes they agree.", "in the end i didn't sit in the front row, my", "friend and her boyfriend took the seats and i sat", "with with my other friend and her ex's cousin in", "the now vacated seats.", "still an amazing night, and this morning my", "sister fesses up and says her husband surprised", "her last weekend and she had saw the concert", "then. garth brooks did 9 shows here." ]

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[ "this fuck up actually happened today. about 30", "minutes ago actually. i was in metal shop with my", "friend who we’ll call tom. tom and i sit next to", "each other so it was easy to notice that he was", "distracted. seeing my opportunity, i grabbed his", "phone off of the table and opened the settings.", "(at this time his phone had no security). i", "thought it would be funny to add my finger print", "to his phone so he couldn’t unlock it for a", "little but to mess with him. this is where i", "fucked up. i forgot that to add a fingerprint to", "iphones, you also need to enter a passcode.", "because time was of the essence i entered one", "quickly without thinking about what the numbers", "were. i was somehow able to duplicate it again", "without knowing the numbers. just the pattern", "that my fingers went before. fast forward to", "when he notices. he laughs because we like to", "fuck with each other and knows its a joke. he", "tells me to take it off and i go to do it. but", "anyone who’s used the touch id feature on an", "iphone knows that you need the passcode to remove", "it. i had forgotten about that, and like i said", "before, i didn’t know the numbers, just the rough", "pattern that my fingers taped to make the code. i", "try a few times and i can’t remember it. i only", "know for sure that it starts with 14 and ends in", "2. at this point we start freaking the fuck out.", "i’m feeling like a total asshole and tom is", "worried that he won’t be able to get into his", "phone again. so now we’re locked out for 15", "minutes, but since we were so focused on", "unlocking the phone, we didn’t realize class was", "almost over. so here i am now in history class", "worried out of my mind and feeling like a major", "dick, and hoping that one of you guys that reads", "this can help out.", "(sorry for the wall of text. i’m on mobile right", "now so formatting is hard)", "update : i talked to tom today and he still", "hasn't been able to figure it out. he's going to", "the apple store in a few days to ask for help.", "update 2: according to tom, his parents are", "pissed beyond belief at me and want me to pay for", "the apple store to wipe his phone (which is $40!)", "being a high school freshman, it is not very", "likely that i will be able to pay that ridiculous", "price for plugging in a phone to a computer. so i", "offered to wipe it for free using my pc, but they", "said no to that offer for some reason. i really", "have no clue why they won’t let me help in the", "way that i can." ]

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[ "preface: according to norm, this was about a year", "ago.", "i've always had an unhealthy obsession with pens", "and pencils. i impulse buy a pen or pencil a", "week, but usually they're not very expensive.", "however, during the last year, i discovered", "/r/fountainpens. now my bank account is already", "very small, so finding that sub was the downfall", "of me. i bought eco twisbis, metorpolitans, etc.", "i took them to school to use during class, and", "one day, i was uncapping and capping my twisbi.", "suddenly, my teacher called me up to solve a", "problem on the whiteboard. as i'm standing up, i", "cap my pen with more force than usual, hitting it", "on to the desk, and immediately yelped. i had", "turned the pen around and slammed my thumb onto", "the point of the fountain pen. after hearing the", "yelp, all my classmates turned around and shouted", "in disgust at the pen hanging from my thumb.", "after excusing myself to the disgusted and", "horrified teacher, i ran to the bathroom and", "pulled the nib out of my thumb, only to discover", "that (after i washed out all the blood) i had a", "nice circular tattoo on the ball of my thumb." ]

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[ "this happened last night. it’s getting pretty", "chilly at night now that we are nearing winter,", "and i decided i would enjoy myself some video", "games and a fire. now my fireplace is one of", "those fireplaces that isn’t real and just has a", "gas line that runs on the bottom of it with fake", "logs on top. to turn it on you use this special", "sort of key to turn a knob that sticks out of the", "wall to open the gas line, and then you light it.", "so before turning the gas on i made sure that the", "vent at the top was open and that i had easy", "access to the line for my lighter. i grabbed the", "key and turned it about 90 degrees. i could hear", "the gas coming out of the line and that should’ve", "been the red flag that i had opened the line a", "little too much. but i was cold and wanted to", "get this fire going so i grabbed my little tiny", "bic lighter and put it by the gas line and", "sparked it...", "*whooosh*", "all i saw was a giant fire ball that came", "directly at me. i saw my life flash before my", "eyes as my whole face was consumed in a fire ball", "that, according to my roommate who was laughing", "his ass off, extended about 4 feet out of the", "fireplace.", "i now have no hair on my right hand, my eyelashes", "are nice and crisp at the ends, and some of the", "hair on my head was burnt (not noticeably bad", "thank god).", "i think i’ll just be using the thermostat from", "now on.", "edit: i a word." ]

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[ "i'm on my phone, so please excuse weird typos.", "first of all, i'm female. and yes, that's", "relevant to the story and you'll see why in a", "bit. i know if i were male, this story would be a", "whole lot worse.", "the spring semester of college had just ended,", "and to celebrate, several of my friends and i", "went to the park for a bbq. one of my friends", "brought along tequila - my drink of choice - and", "we had several shots before deciding to act like", "kids and play on the playground equipment. bad", "decision number one.", "bad decision number two? racing my friends up a", "jungle gym to see who could get to the top first.", "i'm already a clumsy gal - i fall down just by", "standing still sometimes. i nearly died in the", "shower the other day because one minute i'm", "standing there under the water, the next i'm", "hanging onto the shower curtain for dear life.", "even as a kid, i knew my limits and avoided", "jungle gyms. inner ear problems, you know.", "but as a stupid 21 year old, i somehow manage to", "convince myself i got this. i blame the tequila.", "i literally didn't even get halfway up before my", "foot slipped out from underneath me and i came", "crashing down - landing on a metal bar.", "straddling it. i'm sure the men reading this are", "cringing, but don't think my lack of balls turned", "this into a cakewalk. something cracked when i", "landed. i couldn't move. i remained frozen with", "my feet dangling in the air as my friends laughed", "their asses off.", "i was in so much pain, yet all i could do was", "laugh along. the first words out of my mouth?", "\"i'm just glad i'm not a guy.\" in fact, that's", "all i'd say - whenever they asked me if i was", "okay, they'd get that response.", "not sure how long i remained in that position,", "but i do remember the followup at the doctor's", "office.", "\"what's wrong?\"", "\"i think i broke my pelvic bone.\"", "strange look. \"how?\"\n\n\"i fell on a jungle gym.\"", "\"how old are you again?\"", "good news - it wasn't broken, just really", "bruised. i'd just started dating a new guy too -", "so of course, when i told folks i bruised my", "pelvic bone, they thought the worst." ]

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[ "of course this didn’t happen today. it happened", "about half a year ago.", "i was hanging out with one of my friends,", "watching tv at his apartment. his two roommates", "(also our really close friends) were smoking, but", "the friend i was hanging out with doesn’t smoke,", "so i decided i wouldn’t that day and just kick it", "with him.", "“saltyhoe, come snap this bowl,” one of them", "says to me.", "“nah, i’m good, man.”", "“bro there’s only a little left, see? it’s a", "small hit. just snap it.”", "well, why not. so i walked over, snapped the", "bowl, which turned out to be a bit bigger of a", "hit than anticipated, and immediately had the", "worst coughing fit i’ve had in my life. my throat", "and lungs were on fire. as the last of the smoke", "leaves my lungs, one of my friends laughs.", "“that was a straight kief bowl, man.”", "but soon, as i wouldn’t stop coughing, my", "friends started crowding around me, looking", "worried. they were staring at me, and i was", "looking at them as if they were aliens.", "“you okay, man?”", "i couldn’t talk. partially because my throat hurt", "so bad, partially because i was so high already.", "but it didn’t stop there. i pointed down the", "hall, and they understood i needed to go lie down", "in my friend’s room. i’m sure some of you know", "what’s coming.", "ego death is defined as a loss of", "self-identity. /r/trees might define where i was", "as a [10]. but i was further than this. i had", "lost my self identity, and gained a new one. i", "became part of space, and as i lay there staring", "at my hand, my fingers morphed into the pillars", "of creation. i became, in my mind, an immortal", "celestial being, existing only as thought. i had", "created a concept, admittedly one of my stranger", "ones during my eternity as a space-god, called", "“humans.” funny little creations, that went", "through something called “life,” had four odd", "limbs, and weirdest of all, had hands. yet, these", "humans were insignificant. they were a figment of", "my imagination that i had fabricated in my", "infinite contemplation. whether they existed or", "not was of no consequence to me, an immortal", "celestial being.", "and then, my eyes refocused. i was looking at a", "hand. a *human hand*. *my* hand. ensue quick", "panic attack. i had been cursed- cast down from", "my status as a god and chained into an", "insignificant, mortal body. yet soon enough, my", "vision slipped away and i was back in space,", "looking at the pillars of creation... and back", "to reality. panic. this repeated for who knows", "how long, until eventually, i began to come down.", "i was back to being a human, and although i was", "disappointed by it, i was relieved that it was", "over. or so i thought. i left the room, and", "curled up next to my friend, who i had originally", "been hanging out with. he asked how i was doing,", "and said he’d been checking on me every once in a", "while. he was pissed at our other friends. i", "couldn’t say anything, just motioned to my", "throat. understanding, he went to the store and", "bought me cough drops. the friend who originally", "told me to snap the bowl made me a cup of tea. i", "was able to start talking, however quietly, and", "we joked that i had gone through a wormhole, and", "i was almost out. all was going well.", "until i bit the cough drop into four pieces.", "immediately, something felt wrong. the pieces", "felt like they were wriggling in my mouth. my", "brain went to, cockroaches, and i freaked out and", "spat the pieces of the cough drop onto myself,", "panicking and begging my friend to get them off", "of me. he picked up my gross cough drop shards", "off my shirt and threw them away. for the", "following few weeks, i would sometimes psych", "myself out about being stuck as a human, or scare", "myself that bugs were in my mouth when i was", "eating food." ]

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[ "technically this happened over the weekend.", "hopefully this doesn't violate the \"bodily", "discharge\" rule :)", "so i'm working on tearing out my shower tile and", "drywall as a remodeling effort in my bathroom.", "it's my first time doing this sort of thing and", "i'm learning as i go. i felt proud of myself for", "remembering to plug up the drain with some wadded", "paper towels to keep the dust and debris out, but", "(being my first time) i didn't use enough. at the", "end of the day, i'm vacuuming up some of the dust", "and debris had managed to make its way around the", "towel and into the drain with my fein shop vac (a", "very powerful model).", "i'm using a long nozzle designed to get into", "tight spots, and am reaching into the drain to", "try to get the bits i could see sitting down at", "the bottom of the pipe. the nozzle is quite long", "(8\" or so) and i'm trying to reach every little", "bit, but unfortunately it wasn't long enough.", "you see, the base of the nozzle is a tapered cone", "that goes up to the normal size of a shop vac", "hose- around 2.5\" or so. this also happens to be", "about the same size of a shower drain. what i", "failed to notice (until it was too late) was that", "i was out of nozzle length, and i bottomed out", "the nozzle onto the shower drain.", "what happened was that, in that instant, the shop", "vac was now sucking air from inside the drain", "pipe and blowing it into the house at a screaming", "rate.", "for those of you who don't know how residential", "plumbing works, all of your toilets (and sinks", "and showers) dump their contents into a central", "pipe to be flushed out into the city sewage", "system. this sewage line is full of, well, moldy", "decaying poop. it is not a nice place to be. each", "drain has what's called a", "[trap](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/trap_\\(plumb", "ing\\))", "that keeps the nasty air from wafting into your", "house.", "unfortunately, when i put the shop vac onto the", "drain, and it sealed- it immediately overcame the", "trap and started pulling air by the bucketload", "into the house. before i realized what i'd done,", "i had pumped tons of sewage gas directly from the", "sewage line into my house air via a very powerful", "shopvac, filling the entire house with the stank", "of sewage. imagine the normal massive blowing", "action from a shopvac, blowing pure, uncut", "poostank into your house- that was my life this", "weekend." ]

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[ "this happened last week. i’ll start by saying i’m", "an experienced dog owner. i’ve owned family dogs", "all my life (i’m 26) and currently have owned a", "boxer mix for the last four years that i have", "been responsible for solely.", "i fell in love with a puppy from a shelter i", "follow on instagram. i never wanted a puppy", "because they are a lot of work but there was", "something special about this one. i filed the", "application on saturday and waited.", "wednesday rolls around and i do the virtual home", "tour and a questionnaire (on top of the 25", "question application i filed) she said everything", "sounds great and that i’ll hear back in a day or", "so.", "meanwhile, in hopes to look like a great pet", "owner i post an adorable photo of my dog and i", "[playing tug of war", "](https://imgur.com/gallery/jqza6) great right?", "i’ve trained her that she has to drop it on", "command so it doesn’t develop into a dangerous", "game.", "friday rolls around and they tell me they want to", "clarify a few things. they asked if i plan to", "roughhouse with the dog to which i say “the most", "roughhousing i do is tug of war” the guys says", "“looks great, i’m sure you’ll be approved. i’ll", "let you know within the hour.” an hour goes by", "and he calls to congratulate me and schedule a", "pick up.", "now this shelter is not easy for me to access", "it’s two hours away by car. i live in nyc", "(manhattan to be specific) and do not own a car.", "so now i am scheduling my best friend to come", "from jersey, pick me up and drive out there.", "that’s exactly what we did.", "i called on the way to confirm all was good and", "it was! best day ever, right?!!", "no.", "finally a half hour late the owner of the shelter", "arrives and informs be he has rescinded the", "approval for the puppy and will not be giving me", "the dog. he indicated that because i plan to play", "tug of war that he can not give me the dog. he", "also indicated that i posted a picture of me", "playing with my current dog was me being", "“facetious” as he said. he told me he “sorry,", "have a nice day” and walked inside.", "i was speechless. i walked away like a zombie. he", "gave me no chance to rebuttal. i left without my", "new furbaby that i had fallen in love with and", "hoped my dog would too. i was heartbroken and", "apparently it was all my fault.", "advice to future adopters: don’t ever let anyone", "know you play tug of war with your dog. ever." ]

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[ "so, obligatory this didn't happen today but last", "night. my house still smells like smoke.", "where i'm from we get relatively chilly winters.", "not too warm and not really freezing. anyways, i", "own an iguana, for the sake of the story we'll", "call him \"prince\". prince is about six years old", "and very spoiled; has a cage i built myself that", "takes up half the yard and i bring him in the", "house at nights, every day, and his bed is next", "to my own with a built in heating pad. think how", "you treat a dog; food bowl, water bowl, allowed", "to come into bed with you if you allow that.", "to the actual story now. i was getting ready to", "make a sponge cake and bake it. my classes in", "college are celebrating everyone in my class", "getting in the 90's for our clinical exam. so i", "mix everything but realized i forgot to set the", "oven to preheat. the first fuck up was when i was", "setting the temperature, i set the dial to 400", "instead of 325. so i go to the bathroom, go on my", "laptop to finish up a paper due tomorrow. i hear", "the timer beep that it's hot enough and pop the", "batter in, i noticed i set it too high and was", "about to fix it when in the corner of my eye i", "see prince. second fuck up, me getting", "distracted.", "as i go look outside the window i see prince", "clinging to his cage and looking like he's", "digging trying to get out. every so often he", "freaks out and runs to the other side of his", "cage. he does this when he wants to go inside. so", "like a good lizard parent i go outside and", "unlatch his cage. just to make sure nothing weird", "is in his cage i look around, nothings there.", "with this done, i go retrieve him and start", "carrying him inside.", "my third fuck up, prince didn't like that i was", "carrying him and not letting him go in the house", "himself. he flails and scratches. usually that", "doesn't bother me, but he happened to jab one of", "his claws into the soft part of my hand. his", "nails are usually trimmed. so my grip loosens and", "he jumps out of my grasp. i run around the yard", "after chasing him for a good ten minutes, luckily", "prince never has attempted to bite otherwise this", "would have been much worse, and grab him. at this", "point i hear a fire alarm in the house and then", "realized i fucked up.", "i run in the house and the house is covered in a", "thin veil of smoke, the cake is burnt and somehow", "the hand towel for the dishes is on the floor and", "half burnt and embers are on it and the rug it", "fell on. so the rug is burnt too." ]

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[ "back at it again with another fuck up. for real", "this time, this fuck up concluded today!", "**ill clear this fucker up now, some are under", "the impression that during the following i was", "off my chops and didn't notice. this was not the", "bloody case, i was 1/5th high by volume (lol,", "will make sense later) and so i was just uneasy", "as opposed to high. thank you and enjoy :)**", "**right guess there's something else to clear up", "then, thank you all for your psas but i'm fully", "aware of the dangers to myself and others when", "driving under the influence now, doesn't need", "reiterating again now. my reasons aren't", "justified in many of your eyes and i can fully", "respect that, but i'm up to speed on your", "lectures and need not be told again. thank you **", "brief backstory: i’m 18 and i quit smoking", "cigarettes a month ago (i know an 18yo quitting", "smoking call the press, but it’s relevant ok) and", "i also quit smoking weed. although i had only", "smoked (both) for 2 or 3 years, i was smoking in", "excess of 20 fags a day and a few joints most", "evenings, smoking fags through the day during", "free periods at uni meant the numbers tallied up", "real quick. i switched to vaping both, bought me", "a fat box mod (the square battery part of a vape)", "and two tanks; one for my daily nicotine fix and", "the other for my evening’s thc fix (i was buying", "my green online anyways, so it was a smooth", "transition to buying the thc juice, didn’t even", "have to change vendor). happy days. i’ve been", "trying to ween off the thc this past week or so", "as i need to be focused in the evenings to do my", "coursework for uni. herse the kicker: because of", "the offer that was on when i made my purchase of", "the vape kit, i bought two tanks of the same", "style and colour (tank is the bit that holds the", "juice shit fyi). you can see where this is going.", "so, for the last month, i haven’t smoked a single", "cigarette or smoked a single joint, everything", "has been going well. i never take my thc tank out", "of the house for i am not a day stoner, i enjoy", "it in the evenings with a beer; thus there hasn’t", "been a point where the two got mixed up. i like", "to mix my flavours and shit, so the colour of the", "juice in each tank was different but regularly", "changing so that wasn’t a way to distinguish the", "two (will be important later).", "right, sunday afternoon (yesterday) rolls up (the", "night i usually go see my girlfriend a couple", "towns away, bout a 30 minute drive) and i head to", "my girlfriend’s place. i am having a shitter of a", "day, dog is soon to be put down, i’m behind on", "coursework, the usual shit; so i think fuck it", "i’ll have some of my thc vape on the way, so i", "cheer up a bit and don’t bring the mood down when", "i get there. i don’t need a lecture on why i", "shouldn’t drive whilst stoned btw, put the", "pitchforks down, i rarely do it. i get there, i’m", "happily lifted, i arrive, get out the car and", "head in. the high subsides and come later in the", "evening i’m ready to drive home (about 10:30 pm).", "i get back in the car, and start it up. i drive", "an old shitheap of a car (2003 vw polo 1.2) which", "needs a solid 5 mins to warm up so the fucker", "doesn’t stall when i put the clutch down after", "being in gear. whilst i’m sat waiting for it to", "warm up i go to my vape, swap the tanks over so", "i’m back on the nicotine, fill it up with regular", "vape juice as it was running low and would run", "out by the time i got home and i sat puffing away", "for a while. everything is normal at the start,", "but things start happening that i couldn’t come", "to terms with. there are police cars everywhere,", "driving really slowly, driving on the pavement,", "doing all sorts of weird shit. i get a bit", "wierded out, but i continue. there are no other", "cars on the road other than police cars, which is", "odd because i make this drive this time every", "week and it is always busy, bar never. this also", "gets me a bit concerned. in this 30 minute drive", "home i become convinced something isn’t right. on", "a long country road, i am following another 2", "police cars, one without warning just swings a", "left and speeds away down the narrow lane he", "entered. wtf? shortly afterward, the other slams", "its brakes on and pulls into a bus stop. i am", "shook at this point, i don’t know what the fuck", "is wrong with the world this evening. i pass a", "few cars on the other side of the road further", "down, which was a huge relief, but every single", "car flashed its high beams at me. every. single.", "one. now im just fucking bewildered. why is", "everything so fucking weird? driving through my", "village and am nearly home safe, a rabbit out of", "nowhere jumps out at my car, i swerve to avoid it", "and end up hitting it. i screech to a halt and", "get out to check; and there is no rabbit to be", "seen. i was certain i felt the bump. certain. i", "drive home quickly now, everything is just too", "fucking weird, nothing is normal. i text a couple", "friends asking for help with the matter, i tell", "my girlfriend what went on and no one seems to", "care. they would normally be fairly tentative to", "my woes, but not this time. i put my phone down", "and go to sleep, but whilst i lay in bed i get a", "strange thought. am i in a simulation? i run", "through everything that has happened, all of the", "oddities, how my room is layed out differently to", "how i last remembered doing so. confirmation bias", "was running wild in my head, everything fell into", "place. i have cracked the code. nothing is real.", "this morning, i wake up, i eat breakfast and have", "my morning nicotine fix. i grab my bags, my", "phone, wallet etc and go to drive to university.", "my village is much busier than usual, on my way", "to university i encounter several police cars", "parked on the side of the roads with another car", "they presumably are questioning or helping or the", "like. i have never seen 1, let alone several of", "these occurrences on the way to university.", "suddenly last night’s happenings and my", "revelation i had lying in bed come back to me. i", "drive, paranoid to fuck, noticing so many small", "things that were out of place. i sit at", "university in my lecture, the lecturers are", "acting weird, people are looking at me weird,", "everything is just fuckin… weird. my 2pm lecture", "finishes, and i head home. atop what i saw on the", "way, on the way home i notice the car in front of", "me has one large rear tyre and one really thin", "one. i even took photos of it for if i needed to", "prove myself to someone to say i wasn’t crazy", "(will upload later if i get time). at this point", "i’m really starting to think about talking to", "someone about my thoughts, surely someone else", "has experienced a similar thing; surely? i speak", "to my mum, ask her if she’s noticed anything", "weird happing. she said yes, she noticed the same", "police cars i saw that morning on her way to", "work. also, she reversed her wheelchair bound", "caree into a black body bag at the hospital she", "was visiting. peculiar. everything is off and i", "am confident something is up, i am in a", "simulation or i am losing my shit. i tell her", "what i’m thinking, and she laughs it off, i have", "quite the dry sense of humour so she just assumed", "it was a poor and drawn-out joke. it wasn’t. but", "i wasn’t going to explain myself again. so, i go", "to my room, and as i’m done for the day i decide", "to treat myself to an early session on my thc", "juice. i change the tanks up, take a few hits and", "notice it doesn’t taste or hit my throat the way", "i expected… it felt just like my regular nicotine", "filled tank… like a bomb had just gone off in my", "head everything fell into place.", "when i got to my girlfriends i changed the tanks", "before i got out of the car so i didn’t forget to", "before driving home. i forgot i had already", "changed the heads, and changed them again leaving", "me with the thc vape. it was running low, so i", "filled it with regular nicotine vape juice (about", "a 4:1 ratio). so whenever i was using my vape i", "was getting just stoned enough to have some sort", "of surreal effect, but not enough so i would", "notice and not enough so i could taste of feel", "the difference on my throat. the police were just", "on a manhunt, as is common where my girlfriend", "lives as it is a farily rough town. the cars,", "they weren’t flashing me, the unevenness of the", "country road made their headlights dip and glare", "at me intermittently, making it feel like i was", "being flashed. my friends weren’t being ignorant,", "they just didn’t empathise with someone who had", "seen a few police cars, nearly hit a rabbit and", "have a couple cars flash at him, and why would", "they. the rabbit, i didn’t hit it, i just hit a", "bump in the road next to the rabbit, thankfully i", "must’ve missed the rabbit. for about 16 hours i", "thought i was living in a simulation.", "i read a tifu about someone accidentally taking", "lsd whilst at work and i just thought yeah, sure,", "righto of course that’s how you reacted. but when", "you are 100% unknowingly on drugs it really fucks", "with your head. it is unbelievable the way it can", "fuck with you, i am just sat here astonished", "about how a little bit of surprise thc can fuck", "me up this much." ]

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[ "as it is for most tifus, this didn’t happen today,", "but this past weekend.", "it was the final night of a production of a play", "i was acting in, and my fellow cast members and i", "were hanging out before the show. we were all", "goofing around, making jokes and just generally", "having a good time. i’d been under a lot of", "stress recently, what with school and the play", "and whatnot, so hanging out and chatting was a", "much-needed rest from everything. i mean, i", "*really* needed to de-stress, because i was", "starting to get to the point where i felt like i", "could snap if things got any more stressful.", "while i can almost always keep enough of a hold", "on myself and control my anger and/or frustration", "in times like these, sometimes my stress levels", "exceed my ability to keep calm. when this", "happens, instead of letting it simmer until i’m", "alone and able to safely release my stress, i", "explode in a hulk-like rage that will not subside", "until my stress is sufficiently released.", "returning to the story, i was on the brink of a", "stress explosion that night, and the opportunity", "to relax was a welcome one. then, of course, just", "as i was starting to settle into a state of", "calmness, one of the cast inadvertently made a", "comment that made me feel unwelcome to the", "conversation. this sent me back to a few years", "ago, when i always felt like i was excluded from", "groups. i got frustrated with him and everyone,", "and started going on about how i’m always", "excluded from everything by everyone, yada yada", "yada. (i wasn’t, but i didn’t feel that way right", "then).", "as i’m ranting very loudly at these people, i", "feel the need to physically release my stress.", "one of my peers was a couple feet away from me,", "trying to talk me through the whole thing and", "calm me down. i’m not stupid enough to actually", "hurt anyone, because that would go horribly for", "me in the long run. so instead, i turn and punch", "the nearest object as hard as i can. that object", "happened to be a big metal door (i was standing", "in the doorway at the time).", "what happened in that moment is kind of a blur,", "so i have no memory of exactly what happened in", "those few seconds before i punched the door. my", "experience was that one second i was pissed and", "the next i was in a lot of pain. as soon as i", "felt the pain in my hand, i was hyper-alert of", "the situation, probably because of all the", "adrenaline suddenly coursing through my body.", "running on this insane adrenaline high, i’m", "holding my injured hand with the other,", "immediately regretting this, and the guy who was", "trying to calm me down asks if i’m okay. at this", "point, i’m not angry or anything — the only thing", "on my mind is dealing with my injured hand, so", "what i manage to get out is a shaky, “yeah, could", "someone get me some ice?”", "so as they’re all scrambling to find me some ice,", "i’m just standing there holding my hand and", "trying to process the whole thing, which i do by", "making shitty jokes about it. so not only am i in", "pain, i’m forcing myself to laugh and make jokes", "through the pain, which probably makes me look", "like i’d gone crazy or something. then they tell", "me that there’s no ice, so the best i can do is", "run some cold water over it. i walk over to the", "dressing room, which has a faucet, but then my", "vision starts to get fuzzy from the pain of what", "i now realize is very possibly a broken hand. i", "lie down on the floor so i don’t fall in case i", "pass out from the pain, since that’s something", "that’s happened to me before. a minute or so", "later, i’m ready to get back up, so i go and get", "the cold water running. that’s fine and all, but", "my hand still hurts like hell when i go back to", "the group, and i’m still forcing myself to laugh", "and smile like madman. at this point, i’m pretty", "sure they’re quite concerned for both my physical", "and mental health.", "so they’re still asking me if i’m okay, and i", "tell them that i’d be surprised if my hand is", "fully intact, but other than that, i’m fine. they", "tell me that i should go to a doctor or", "something, but we have to put on a show in half", "an hour, so i tell them that the doctor can wait.", "then i notice the dent in the door that is the", "exact size and shape of the part of my hand that", "hit it, and i realize just how hard i punched the", "door.", "so now, not only am i in pain, but i have to get", "through the next couple of hours with a (maybe)", "broken hand. the whole time, i’m visibly tense", "and hurting, but still making jokes (and by jokes", "i mean laughing about how stupid the whole thing", "was and how my hand hurts a lot) and trying to", "look calm and happy, all of which probably made", "me look crazy.", "so at this point i’ve yet to see a doctor or my", "fellow cast members since then, and now i’m", "pretty certain that they think i’m crazy or", "mentally unstable. especially because everyone", "was treating me very delicately for the rest of", "the evening, like they thought i might snap", "again.", "----" ]

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[ "i work in a local supermarket on the hot-food", "counter, i’m trained and specialise on the meat", "and fish counters but now and again i help out on", "the hot bit. anyway, a customer over the weekend", "ordered over the phone 150 cooked bbq drumsticks", "(we rarely get big orders) to be picked up on the", "day i was working, so i helped out on the order", "to cook them and serve the customer. not to blow", "my own trumpet but i have quality customer", "service and always try to make the customers day", "by idle chit chat. it makes my day knowing i’ve", "made someone smile. as i’m bagging up this big", "order, i politely ask ‘are these for a big party", "today then mate? what are we celebrating?’ really", "enthusiastically to which the customer responded", "‘no, for a funeral buddy’. this was the most", "excruciating situation i’ve ever been in, and how", "did i cope with it? i had the biggest nervous", "laughter fit ever. the customer kept asking why", "i’m laughing so hysterically, and i apologised", "profusely saying it was a nervous laughter fit as", "his answer caught me off guard. he didn’t find it", "funny at all, he kept saying how his day was", "horrible as it’s been so stressful, making it", "harder to stop laughing. i kept apologising to no", "resolution, infact he complained to my manager at", "the lack of my professionalism and i’ve got a", "serious meeting with the store manager tomorrow.", "fml", "edit:", "i'd like to just clarify: i was not laughing *at*", "the poor man, *or* his misfortune, nor did i find", "any of this funny. it was the unexpected monotone", "answer to my enthusiastic question that threw me", "off guard and my coping mechanism for this was to", "laugh. yes i felt terrible but in that situation", "i couldn't control myself.", "**thank you for the gold kind stranger!**" ]

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[ "this didn't happen today, but has, to my newfound", "knowledge, been happening over the past 2 weeks.", "i am a sophomore in high school, and 2 weeks ago,", "like any good middle class son, i helped my dad", "wash the car. during this father son bonding", "session, my dad asked me to get the handle from a", "hose we have installed on our rooftop. i went up", "to get it, but no matter how hard i tried, i", "couldn't get it off. it was like it was glued on.", "anyway, fast forward to 45 minutes ago, and my", "dad goes into the backyard. he sees, out of the", "corner of his eye, water spilling off of the side", "of our roof. he runs upstairs to see the hose", "spewing water out of the seam where i tried to", "twist the handle off. he turns it off, runs", "downstairs and, in a stupor, explains that the", "water has probably been on for two weeks, and", "calculates it in his head to \"well over 2000", "dollars.\"", "i start apologizing profusely, but my dad just", "drives out and says \"i'll deal with it.\" it's", "been nearly an hour.", "we're not in a position where this will bankrupt", "or even financially injure us much, but with how", "much my parents value even $5, i'm pretty sick", "with guilt.", "edits 1 & 2: grammar" ]

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