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0.5 The parents set you up and it ended in pash-rape. Awkward.

That’s right: “pash-rape” – forceful kiss usually with one party not up for or expecting it. My parents set me up with a family friend “Oohh they’ve got a son in Melbourne” And I thought why not? Me being morbidly un-married, miserable and sick of meeting meatheads in bars… Mazel tov!

He was good looking, conversation O-K, similar work field and background, a variety of wanky cocktails later and it’s pash-rape time. Whoa, slow down, I hadn’t even given him a hint of touch-on-the-leg-interested. Sure I laughed at his bad jokes, flung my hair around and batted my Loreal lashes – that’s just what girls do. I pushed him away and said “Err no, I don’t want to do this”. Which clearly sounded like to him ‘More please! Insert tongue here’.

More attempted tonsil hockey and I abruptly said it was time for me to go. He then suggested coming home with me because – oh wait for it, “It would be easier to get a cab from my house.” Seriously, who does this guy usually date… Blondes? I got myself on the tram quick smart, sans the pash-maker, found a seat and one stop later was an iPod out, headphones in, please-don’t-stare-at-me mess of tears.

What’s a girl to think? Obviously I was dressed like a slut and asking for it. I sat on the couch streaming tears while my male housemate assured me over and over my dress was fine and so were those 100% black I-can’t-even-see if-you’ve-shaved-your-legs-stockings. Clearly the problem wasn’t what I was wearing.

Side note: we can wear whatever the hell we want without ‘asking for it’. You know when you’re feeling fantastic you want to wear bright clothes and show off your pins – you’ve lunged enough in BodyPump for them, why not?! You’ll expect a few more looks and attention, but that’s why you’ve dressed like that. Give me a hormonal, fat day and it’s muted navy’s and black all the way hoping you’ll fade into the Melbourne-we-don’t-do-colour-here background.

So what was the deal with this guy, has he never had a girl say no? Has he been reading too many self-help-dating-just-go-for-it-mate books? Does he really think it’s O-K to maul a family friends daughter? Last time I checked it’s 2013 not Pride and Prejudice, men don’t have a right to that no matter how friendly your folks are, so back off Mr Surprise Mouth Banger.

The following Sunday was Skype call with the parentals – Uh oh. I told Dad the quick version and finished with not being too happy about it – Dad acknowledged it all with the calm of closing a business deal. I’d hate to think what was actually going through his head. I asked him to not tell Mum – worried she’d call the parents and abuse the beejubus out of them or worse, their son. But a little part of me also wanted her too.

I haven’t been set up by the parents again. Thanks Mum and Dad. Don’t know if they’re too scared after the bad experience or the word’s out: the Doyle daughter doesn’t put out.