In Their Own Words – Be Still

This “In Their Own Words” is written by Cheairs Frank Graves, a Charlottesville, Va. mother of two. Her son has autism.

“Be still and know that I am with you.”

These are words that I have heard in church and at Vespers during my days at summer camp, but it is my son with autism who is teaching me the meaning of these nine words.

“With you” is not exactly how I would describe my ongoing relationship with my son. There are days when he is present, laughing and smiling, and there are days when rolling on the floor and dropping marbles in front of his eyes are his activities of choice. Words cannot describe the sadness I have felt when my son turns his back to me when I try to play with him or when he does not respond to his name. It is an empty feeling – a feeling of failure – and feelings of why.

But along this journey my son is teaching me. If I listen hard enough, he is screaming, “Enter my world!” when he turns his back to me. If I sit next to him while he drops the marbles in front of his eyes, he might just look at me and smile.

“Be still and know that I am with you.”

If I lie on the carpet when he is rolling on the floor, he moves next to me.

“Be still and know that I am with you.”

If I sit next to him in the front yard, listening and repeating words back to him – words that he is saying, then I can see his beautiful, blue eyes light up and his crooked smile appear.

“Be still and know that I am with you.”

If I am very still as he comes down the stairs in the morning, I can begin to smile at his ritual of closing off the bedroom and bathroom doors that lead into our room.

“Be still and know that I am with you.”

If I am present when he crawls into the bed and folds himself into the warm comforter, I can celebrate the little life that is lying next to me.

“Be still and know that I am with you.”

If I wrap my arms around him as he puts his head on my chest, I can hear him breathe. My sweet little boy. My precious little boy.

Mommy, “Be still and know that I am with you.”

“In Their Own Words” is a series within the Autism Speaks blog which shares the voices of people who have autism, as well as their loved ones. If you have a story you wish to share about your personal experience with autism, please send it to editors@autismspeaks.org. Autism Speaks reserves the right to edit contributions for space, style and content. Because of the volume of submissions, not all can be published on the site.

This was beautiful! Thank you for sharing such painful and profound insights. You have touched this mama’s heart this morning and I am with you in spirit. Your son is lucky to have such a wise and loving woman guiding him through this life.

All I can say is…WOW! This hits home right after my son who is 7, had a very “off” day yesterday, with a lot of detachment, but that sweet little boy lives in my heart for sure! Thank you for this touching story!

Wow I found this story so very powerful for me and brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for all the parents who write these wonderful posts. It really helps when you read a story and it lets you know your not alone or the only person feeling the feelings that arise thru day to day. But in the end it just reminds me exactly how beautiful and amazing my little girl is.

That was incredibly moving for me, even bringing me to tears.
I work as part of an ABA in-home program with children with ASD, and I know the feeling of being shut out, but I could never fathom it from a parent’s perspective. I do see so many parents give up when that happens, but the fact that you refuse and instead join him, speaks volumes about your love and dedication.

Thank you for a wonderful passage & description. Just to know that we all are not alone with our struggle, that we all have a common bond, a common goal, a common love, a common joy – makes some of the stormy days a little calmer. United we make a strong voice and advocate for our children!

this is absolutely beautiful, simply powerful! this not only reminds me of the love and provision that god supplies but it speaks about the power of love. as i read the article it brought tears to my eyes because i have an autistic daughter and i went through a similar process. this writing is so profound and it just cofirms that they(the autistic community)are here with us all we have to do is be still and know, they will in their own way show us! in my opinion this should be publised on a national level, its a MASTERPIECE!

That was beautiful cheairs and very real to me like I was there with you. Thanks for sending my way.
I’d love to talk sometime bout your son and mine and share experiences that might help one anothr
love

Excellent insight, and I will ponder this and share it, and perhaps write from your prospective as well… I love that you are speaking your heart in such a beautiful way. God is with you and with him… at every moment and God is good!

I loved this story! It reminds me of my daughter. I am blessed w a child who loves to be hugged and kissed. She does have her bad days yet it’s when I am at my ropes end that she locks her gaze into mine and gives me the best gift ever….her smile. All the spoken I love yous will never add up to one of her smiling gazes or cuddling moments right befor bed. Autis is NEVER easy and although given lemons I have made the best lemonade I could. I love you kayla!