[Warning: Contains Mature (and Immature) Content]

It’s hard to imagine a topic more filthy than pig sex. In fact, I almost withheld the question, but felt it was one that really needs to be asked.

There are many gifts and abilities that God bestowed upon animals that he denied humans. We can’t fly like eagles, or breathe underwater like fish, or run like cheetahs, or regrow limbs like salamanders. And we’re not at all like pigs because… well… God must really love pigs.

According to Swine Genetics International, a boar (male pig) can experience orgasms lasting from 5 to 15 minutes (not seconds). If male humans could do that… well… we’d all spend a lot more time in the shower.

And the female pig also has it better than her human counterpart. A female pig actually has its clitoris located on the inside of the vagina. If you can’t understand why this might be advantageous, then… well… gosh… how can I best explain?

It’s rather like those really old cars… the ones you had to hand crank from the front to get them started, before you could get in and go for a ride. It was horribly inconvenient, because instead of enjoying a nice drive — which is what you really want to do — you have to stand out in the cold, cranking and cranking and cranking to get the dang thing going. And sometimes, while you’re driving, it sputters out and dies… and you have to go back around to the front and crank it some more to get it going again. Today, we can start cars from the inside, and no engineer would ever dream of moving the ignition switch to the front.

But that’s not all! Like humans, female pigs are also able to achieve orgasm. What the hell does a female pig need with an orgasm? I thought such things were designed for our enjoyment… not for… pigs. Talk about throwing your pearls to the swine (Matt 7:6)!

Conclusion

I suppose — if we tried hard enough — we could come up with reasons why God would allow pigs to have more satisfying sex lives than us. For example, maybe before the fall, human sex was just as good as pig sex. And after the fall, God rearranged Eve’s lady bits and reduced male orgasms from 15 minutes to 5 seconds. Ouch. But if God desires for humans to be fruitful and multiply, why increase the pain of childbirth (Gen. 3:16), or make sex less satisfying?

While it’s true that evolution also hasn’t done us any favors in this area, we don’t demand thoughtful design choices from evolution; evolution is only concerned with what works well enough to produce the next generation.