LOUIS BURKE | Cadet | CONTACT

Despite having a disposable income and below average intelligence, Darren Callaghan has yet to visit Queensland’s Gold Coast, opting instead to cut out the middleman and glass himself.

The twenty-nine-year-old hospo says he would like to experience everything the Gold Coast has to offer but states he can do that at home by racking eight lines of cocaine, supporting a failing footy team, punching himself in the head and throwing $2000 in the bin.

“If I need the experience of walking around surfers I just pour some salt in my hair and inhale second hand smoke,” stated the ersatz traveler.

“And if I need strip club experience, I just watch some porn without touching myself.”

According to Callaghan, he’d rather avoid the negative stereotypes about men his age who visit the Gold Coast for a holiday but still know what it is like to be glassed by some roided up tan job who is up to their eyeballs on goey.

Rigging up a system he calls the Glitter-Strip Simulator, Callaghan stands on a platform he paid $50 to get on, listening to loud club music while foul smells permeate out of a bathroom where all the stalls are full before a bottle on a rope flies into his temple knocking him into a hedge filled with cane toads and used condoms.

“Wooo!”

More to come.