"Did you hear the one about the Chinese cook?" "Which one?" "The one about the guy who drowned?" "No, no." "That's the one in the golf course." "The Chinese cook's story is great." "Here it goes." "They're in the best restaurant in town having dinner." "They were sitting at the best table." "I don't have to tell you, but Oscar Cabos is sitting in the middle." "Were there any broads?" "No, it wasn't that kind of dinner." "It was a business dinner transactions, millions of dollars." "What were they having?" "What were they having?" "I don't know, that's not important." "What's important is who was sitting there." "There were politicians, millionaires, all of them important people." "In fact, I think that the owner of the biggest computer software company was there, too." "In the middle of dinner, Oscar Cabos decides to tell a joke." "...And I had never seen a guy so deep inside." "Was it any good?" "No." "As a matter of fact, it sucked." "So why were they laughing?" "Because if Oscar Cabos tells a joke, you better laugh." "Everyone laughed." "Even the Chinese cook was laughing and that moron didn't understand a damn thing." "But that's not the point." "The point is that suddenly..." "Ank-you." "Ank-you." "Ahnkyou, ahnkyou, ahnkyou." "What?" "What the fuck is ahnkyou, you piece of shit?" "Ahnkyou." "Nobody knew that the cook had only been in the country for two days and the only thing he could say was "thank you"." "And... obviously not very well." "Why do you keep thanking me, you sorry little motherfucker?" "Ahnkyou, ahnkyou, ahnkyou." "KILLING CABOS" "Two days later, with injuries to his back and ribs, a broken arm and a face burned to a crisp, he went back to The Orient." "Hey, why do they call it The Orient?" "Because that's what it's called." "No way." "I've never heard anyone call it that." "'Cause everyone you hang out with doesn't know how to speak well." "I hang out with you." "Right." "And I'm telling you, it's The Orient." "All right." "So, tell me the one about the golf course?" "Shit, man." "That one is a real trip." "That guy is really crazy." "He had been playing golf all day." "He was in the last hole." "He was about to beat his own record, which was probably a joke anyway, but he was really concentrating." "Hey." "You got any toilet paper?" "I'm telling you a story, man." "Yes, I know." "And I'm really into it, but there's no paper here." "There's none in here either." " Check the other stall." " You go and check." "Give me a break." "You're much closer." "And see if he has any aspirin, okay?" "I have a headache." "Yeah, right." "Where?" "I know what you're thinking." "You're thinking, why is this half-naked, unconscious guy sitting on a toilet, listening to these ridiculous anecdotes from these two morons?" "Well, I have no idea." "All I know is that snot-nosed brat had it in for me since I walked in on him kissing my daughter." "I understand kids." "And I asked him nicely to leave my house and next time to go to a hotel." "I tried to be kind rather than to cause trouble with an employee." "It wasn't worth it." "I chose to discuss things with him and I tried to make him understand that it is unwise to date the boss's daughter." "Because it's usually the source of a few problems." "And I thought he understood." "But apparently I was wrong." "I was working in my office when he busted in without knocking." "Come in." "I thought he wanted to discuss things or offer an apology." "But that scoundrel came in to attack me." "After realizing that neither his insults nor provocations were getting to me, the little tough guy started... punching me when I was distracted." "And on top of it that asshole started laughing at me." "No, sir." "Sir?" "What I don't understand is why the fucking pervert took my clothes off." "I still don't understand why you took his clothes off, fucking pervert." "I didn't take his clothes off, God damn it!" "Really?" "So this guy works in his underwear?" "And when I got back, he was already half-naked." "Is he dead?" "No way." "Well, I don't know." "Check him out." "But why take his clothes off?" "Who knows?" "There are lots of sick people out there." "Good night, sir." "If only I could be a wealthy man." "If only just to feel like any other millionaire." "If only I could see through a thousand television sets what you're doing," "I need to be another millionaire." "To see the same place in hundreds and thousands at a time." "But more than living in comfort I want your love and nothing else... 5 MINUTES BEFORE" "Are you sure he always leaves at this hour?" "I've been checking him for a month." "He always does it." "Where's the bat?" "Right here." "And I also have the bag." "Relax." "I've done this a thousand times." "That's why you hired me, right?" "Why so nervous?" "I'm not nervous, idiot." "I'm careful." "There's a difference." "I'm precise." "And why?" "Because that's how I've always been." "Because doing things right got me where I am now." "All right, all right." "Calm down." "I hope you know what you're doing." "What I'm doing?" "I know perfectly well what I'm doing." "Let me show you something." "It's my father." "You want to talk about someone with big balls?" "This man." "He knows the meaning of hard work." "Not like the asshole we're about to grab." "He made sacrifices for us working for a fucking prick." "A dictator." "Twenty years." "Twenty years without getting an ounce of respect every single day." "Every day." "And he's still hanging on." "I could take care of him." "But he's a proud man." "And you know what?" "He has an honorable job." "Did you understand anything I just said?" "He won't be long now." "Here." " What do we do with him?" " What do you mean what do we do?" "Nothing." "We leave him here and good-bye." "Kiss my ass." "If we leave him here, the guy is going to fire me." "He's going to send me to jail, then he's going to kill me." "He's going to fire you anyway." "You fucked his daughter." " I told you not to go back to work." " Why?" " Because he kicked your ass." " It wasn't that bad." "Okay, it was that bad." "But first of all, I didn't fuck her." "She fucked me." "Scream, piggy, scream." "Number two, fucking his daughter and leaving him here in his underwear ain't the same thing." "Give me a fucking break!" "Why don't we get him out of here and wait for him to wake up?" "We talk things over and, I don't know we convince him not to do anything to us." "What do you mean, to us?" "Come on, man." "You know." "Not to do anything to us." "I didn't do anything." "Excuse me, but you just took a dump next to him while he was unconscious." "But he doesn't know that I took a dump next to him." "But you did." "Dude, don't tell me you're not going to help me." "Give me a break, dude." "Give me a hand." "Let's see." "You fucking prick!" "Calm down!" "Calm down, man!" "Take it easy!" "Help me get him up, man." "Help me out!" "Let's go." " Trunk." " What?" "What 's the matter with you?" "Do you want him on the roof?" "If they see us with this asshole we're in big fucking trouble!" "I know, man." "I mean, he owns this fucking building!" "Shit." "We're going to get busted." "But we take him out of there as soon as we're outside." "Of course." "Don't be an asshole." "I think we're fucked." "They seem to know something." "Don't be stupid." "Those guys don't know anything." "So what do I do then?" "Relax, man." "Just turn around and smile." "You think they noticed?" "No, man." "How could they?" "They're just obtuse." "Okay, look for a place to park up front and let's take him out." "Kiss my ass, man!" "Where am I supposed to park?" " Watch out!" " God damn!" "Fucking assholes!" "Did you see that?" "They almost hit me." " You think they know?" " What?" "Do you think they know they're assholes?" "Because no one ever tells them." "People just, you know, give them the finger and honk." "But no one ever tells them to their face." "Well, yeah." "But, I mean, come on." "You can't sink to that level of stupidity without noticing." "Give me a fucking break!" "What?" "What are you staring at, you fag?" "Do I look like a fag?" "Not really." "Maybe just a little soft." "What did you say, man?" "I said I was going to screw your mama." "What are you staring at, you fucking cross-eyed?" "Cross-eyed... cross-eyed..." "cross-eyed." "She's not coming because you're fucking cross-eyed." "What did you expect, my son?" "You're fucking cross-eyed." "Go." "Jesus Christ!" "Shit, man." "Shit!" "That bastard's going to kill us." "There!" "What's that?" "Did anyone see you?" "The cops are downstairs." "They want you to give them all blow jobs." " Don't be an asshole, Nico." " Asshole?" "All right!" "That's enough, okay?" "Where do we put this guy?" "Is he alive?" "That's none of your business." "Where do we put him?" "This is my house and I never agreed to store dead people." "Did I?" "Listen, princess." "I don't know why you got into this business." "Maybe because your family is broke, or because the money you get isn't enough for your drugs, or simply because your life is so fucking boring you wanted to try something dangerous." "I don't know and I don't care." "When I found you, I explained to you what this was about." "And we made a deal." "And in that deal, I call the shots." "I ask the questions." "You provide the answers." "Is that clear?" "Now, where do we put him?" "In the storage room in the back." "Thank you." "It won't start." "Shit." "You were the one who got me to insult that guy." "Yeah." "But there are insults and then there are insults." "Help me out, man." "We don't know if he's still alive in there." "What are you worried about?" "If he's dead, then it's not our problem anymore." "Of course." "You're absolutely right." "You know, I hadn't thought of that." "As a matter of fact, when the cops get here we'll just say," ""Yes, Officer." "He was in our trunk in his underwear." "But he wasn't dead." "He just passed out."" "Give me a break." "Okay." "So what are we going to do?" "Hey, what if we call Ruben?" " Who?" " Mascarita." "Who?" "Mascarita." "The wrestler." "Mascarita." "The ill-tempered one." "What happened to this great legend?" "Born in Hiuchapan in the state of Hidalgo in 1963, he had a simple country childhood." ""CHILDHOOD FRIEND" Well, folks, by the time he made it to elementary school, he was already a legend." "He was someone who loved wrestling." "He was very strong." "He also had a strong personality." "And I remember that he always stood up to anyone." "From that day on, he began training with farm animals until he reached puberty." "He held many tough jobs:" "Load lifter, miner, cart puller." "But his fame began to rise when he joined the security team at a local disco." "Day after day he tested his wrestling skills." "Until one day Avilo Dominguez, founder of the Mexican wrestling league, crossed his path." "I was looking for someone special." "I had traveled all over the country and couldn't find anyone." ""PROMOTER"" "Until I came to Huichapan, Hidalgo and..." "Mister Avilo!" " And I saw Mascarita standing at the door of a club." "I knew right then I had my star." "After that meeting, Mascarita became a full-time wrestler." "He traveled with Avilo in the big city and trained until he became the most famous wrestler of all." "But his addiction to drugs, alcohol and women would soon put an end to his success." "Yes, of course, I met him." ""EXOTIC DANCER"" "He was so generous with all of us." "Oh, but he never took off his mask." "Due to his drug problem he had to leave the wrestling arena, leaving behind a number of unanswered questions." "Where is Mascarita now?" "What does he do?" "And above all, who is the man behind the mask?" "Hey, was that really Mascarita?" "Yeah." "But he hates being called that." "Why?" "One moment, please." "Next time you call me Mascarita without the mask," " I swear I'll cut off your balls." " Yes, Ruben, yes... okay." "Good evening." "Ruben, it's Mudo." "Yo, buddy." "What's up?" "You know." "Just hanging out, calling old friends." "Man, it's so good to hear from you." "How are you?" "You okay?" "Not really." "I got a small problem and I thought maybe you could give me a hand." "Think nothing of it, bro." "What can I do for you?" "Look." "The thing is we have this guy locked in the trunk of our car, and guess what?" " We got rear-ended." " Really!" "Yeah." "Now we can't get the guy out because the trunk is jammed." "Don't worry." "I'm on my way now." "Where are you?" "Remember where I live?" "Remember the alley behind the factory?" "There." "Ah, okay." "I won't be long." "Anyway, I'll have Tony meet us there." ""The Cannibal"?" "Yeah." "He lives nearby." "That's not such a safe neighborhood." " So then, you're coming?" " Okay." "Yeah." " Thanks." " Please, man." "Don't mention it." " Thanks, Ruben." " I'll see you in a little while." " All right." "See you." "Bye." " Bye." "I'll be right back." "When I return, I want you to keep screaming." "Okay?" "Yes, Ruben, yes... okay." "Well, you've got some X." "Next time, bring enough to share with everyone or don't bring any at all." "Understand?" "What's the matter, ladies?" "Move it!" "Come on!" "All right." " Add more weight." " Yes, boss." "Dude, doesn't your mother-in-law have a party tonight?" "Oh, shit!" "You're right, man." "Fuck!" "I'm such a prick!" "Paulina must be waiting for me to pick her up." "I don't think she's there anymore." "It's really late." "Yeah, I guess so." "I think she left." "I hope she's not mad." "Mascarita." "Finish him." "Surrender, Mascarita." "Don't fight back, Mascarita." "Hey, this Mascar..." "I mean, Ruben is taking too long, isn't he?" "Don't let it slip out again." "Not even as a joke." "Relax, man, I didn't mean it." "I'm serious." "You have no idea how crazy he gets when they call him Mascarita." "Really?" "All right, how much longer are we going to wait?" "I don't know." "He said he was sending his bodyguard." "His what?" "Ruben has a bodyguard." "His name is Tony." "Tony, "The Cannibal"." "Hey." "Why do they call him Tony "The Cannibal"?" "I don't know." "If you want to, you can ask him when he gets here." "Tony." "This is Jaque." "I'm Mudo." "Go ahead." "Ask him." "What's up, Ruben?" " How's it hanging, Mudo?" " I'm fine, thanks." "Hey!" "What's up?" "Start her up, Tony." "How's life treating you, Jaque?" "Right now, not so great, but..." "Hit it." "I could've done that." "Give me a break." "Trunk." " Man, I could've done that too." " But you didn't." "So what's up?" "What do we do now?" "We get him out of the trunk, right?" " Are you nuts?" " No, I mean it." "And do what, exactly?" "I don't know." "We get him out and leave him there on the street." "Give me a fucking break." "He's my father-in-law." "We can't dump him there." "The fact that he's your father-in-law is irrelevant." "This guy is Oscar Cabos." "What do you think he'll do to us when he wakes up?" " Okay, so we take him to a hospital." " This man is Oscar Cabos?" "We can't dump him there and we certainly can't take him to a hospital." "Why not?" "Haven't you heard the story about the Chinese cook?" "As a matter of fact, yes." "Good point." "So what do we do?" "First thing we'll do is calm down and get out of here." "For now, he's safe inside your trunk." "He's out cold." "Don't worry." "We'll go to a quiet place." "I know this bar nearby." "We'll have a couple of exotic drinks." "Then you'll tell me exactly what happened." "And then we'll figure out what to do to get out of this mess we're in." "Okay?" "This way." "Let's go, Tony." "There's no answer." "Why don't you call yourself?" "The family knows me very well." "They might recognize my voice perfectly." "Call them again." "But..." "But what?" "If you don't make the call, then you're no good to me." "This is when I need you the most." "Understand, sweetheart?" "Okay." "So what are we going to do?" "You're going to dial that phone and ask for this little asshole's wife, and that's it." "Or what?" "Do you know the maids in the house, too?" "No." "Why don't you take off the bag so he can breathe?" "And have him see our faces, right?" "Oh, I'm sure he's breathing great, aren't you?" "It's ringing." "That's all upside-down." "Fix it." "Hello?" "Hello." "With the lady of the house, please." "Who's calling?" "Put Mrs. Gabriela Cabos on, right now." "Please." "Yes, but I have to tell her who's calling." "Tell her it's..." "her husband." "One moment, please." "Ma'am..." "Ma'am..." "Careful, careful with that." "Don't drop it." "Please be careful." " Ma'am!" " What is it, Tere?" "Telephone." "Can't you see I'm busy, Tere?" "For goodness sake!" "It's your husband." "Well, just tell him I'll call him back later." "She says she'll call him back later." "What?" "She hung up." "What?" "The maid hung up on me." "Well, call them back and tell them we'll kill this shit bag if they don't give us twenty..." "You told me you could do this." "Can you or not?" "Cheers." "Cheers." "That hit the spot." "Where were we?" "Oh, yeah." "The trunk." "All right." "This is what we're going to do." "We'll finish our drinks and then we'll figure out a way to return this man to his home, safe and sound." "This man is your father-in-law, Jaque?" "Yeah." "And his wife, your mother-in-law, is having a party tonight, right?" "That's right." "Do you think it would be a problem if we attend?" "No, but..." "You know if Cabos is known to partake of alcoholic beverages?" " All the time." " Perfect." "We'll leave him on the front lawn." "We'll untie him, take off the bag, and douse him with the cheapest liquor." "Then we'll leave." "When he wakes up, he'll have a hell of a headache and he won't even know where he is." "He'll just remember that his wife had a party." " How does that sound?" " All right." "What kind of person is your mother-in-law?" "She's a bitch." " Is she rich?" " Stinking." " Does she host many parties?" " Many." "Okay, boys." "I'll need two things." "One, I have to get into the party, and two, I'll need a change of clothes." " A what?" " Clothes, Mudo." "I can't go dressed like this to a fancy socialite party." "I'd stand out." "Yeah." "I'm sure I'll find something in my apartment." "Cheers." "Cheers." "Check this out, man." "See?" "It's Mascarita!" "Son of a bitch!" "It's him." "God damn it!" "It's him." " What did you call me?" " Fuckin' A, man." "You're that Mascarita guy." "Aren't you?" "What the hell's the matter with you?" "Check, please." "Who the fuck do you think you are, asshole?" "We're going to beat the shit out of you." "You fucking little wrestler." "Boys, let's go." "How many were they?" "About fifteen." "Including the fucked up ones?" "No." "If you count those, then it's about twenty." "Let's give him..." "I'll say... about a minute." "Listen, put the Mrs. On the line right now or her husband will cease to exist." "Understand?" "Yes." "One moment, please." " Ma'am." " What is it, Tere?" "Phone call for you." "I told you I'm busy right now." "They say it's about your husband." "That he exists or will cease to exist, I don't understand." "Hello?" "She hung up again." "Move." "Hello?" "Listen, you fucking bitch, you either put your boss on the line right now, or I'll kill you and then I'll kill her." "Hello." "Shut the door." "Tony, there's a liquor store around the corner." "Get me a bottle of the cheapest booze, please." "Let's go, boys." "The night is too short." "Come on." " What's up, Jaque?" " How's it hanging?" "Shit." "What did you do to your wheels, dude?" "Nothing." "I'll fix it up for you." "Fifteen minutes." "Let me get my tools." "No, that's all right, thanks." "Come on." "It'll be just like new, Jaque." "He said no." "Since when do you open your mouth?" "Doesn't Mudo mean mute?" "Why don't you honor your name and shut the fuck up?" "Hey, what's wrong with your buddy?" "Check him out." "What happened to his clothes?" "Listen, you snot-nosed brat!" "Why don't you go jerk off somewhere else?" "Okay, fucking Mudo." "You too, Jaque." "We'll see you around, you pricks." "Just ask for one favor." "One." "Assholes." "I'll get you a shirt, Ruben." "Come in." "Make yourself at home." "Thank you." "So, where have you been hanging out?" "Here, there." "Going to one place, then another." "How long has it been since we saw each other the last time?" "It's been a while, Mudo." "It's been a while." "What's wrong with that fucking bird?" "Doesn't he ever shut up?" "No, never." "The worst part is he only makes noise when we get home." "When there's no one here he's very quiet." "Why don't you tell your neighbors?" "Because I haven't met them yet." " You haven't met them?" " No." " Your neighbors?" " Let's go." "Jaque..." "I'm not saying you have poor taste or anything like that." " But what the hell is this?" " What?" "What do you mean what?" "Tony went to get the booze for Mr. Cabos." "We have to wait for him, okay?" "Now, in these few minutes in which we have to wait for him," "I think you can find something more presentable." "Come on!" "Bad taste." "Give me a break, asshole." "And that guy is supposed to have great taste or what?" "I can't believe that bird." "And it gets worse after two a.m." "I'll have a word with the neighbors." "Four years." "What?" "It's been four years since we last saw each other." "Where were you?" " Is the prick in?" " Yeah." "Go ahead, Pau." "Where were you?" "What's the matter?" "You knew I couldn't get to my car because of the party." " Baby, sweetheart..." " No." "I was waiting for you." "You were supposed to pick me up." "I swear I was about to get you, baby." "I swear." "What are you doing?" "We have to go now!" "Baby, it's just that we're waiting for someone who shouldn't take too long." "What?" "Waiting my ass!" "Shut that fucking bird up!" " How can you live like this?" " I know." "Five minutes, please." "Just five minutes, okay, honey buns?" "Who are we waiting for?" "We're waiting for someone who went to the store to get a bottle of booze." "As soon as he gets back, we'll leave." " Booze?" " Yes, baby." "And then we can go." "Give me a break!" "You're a disgusting drunk!" "Honey, it's not for me." "Baby, really!" "You know what?" "Bye." "Baby?" "Honey?" "Mudo, tell Jaque I went to my Mom's party." "Okay, Pau." "I don't think anyone's home." "What do you want?" "Good evening." "We would like to ask you with all due respect..." " To shut that fucking bird up!" "Don't you realize there are other people living here?" "Fucking bird from hell!" "That bird was a present from my grandmother before she died." "I'm quite fond of it." "It doesn't bother you that much, does it?" "If you ever knock here again, I'm going to be bothered." "Now scram!" "Both of you!" "How's this one?" "Have you met the neighbors?" " What happened?" " Nothing." "Let's go." "Tere, answer that." "Answer the phone." "Hello?" "I'd like to speak to Mrs. Gabriela Cabos, please." "Speaking." "What can I do for you?" "Plenty." "We have kidnapped your husband." "He's alive, but not for long." "We want twenty..." "You know what?" "Tell Oscar that if he doesn't want to come to my birthday party, to stay 'kidnapped' in his office, he can go fuck himself." "Give me a fucking break!" "You said no one was coming." "I'll see who it is." "What's up?" " What's up with what?" " What do you mean about what?" "Yeah, about what?" "You know." "Why haven't you changed?" "Changed for what?" "What?" "It's my mom's birthday." "I told you." "Between you and Jaque, I'm going nuts." " What was that?" " What was what?" " Are you with someone?" " No." "Why?" " I heard something." " Yeah?" "No." "I think it's coming from in here." " I caught you red-handed." " You bitch." "What if I open the door and find him naked?" "Knock it off, Paulina." "What's going on?" " You must be Paulina, right?" " Yes." "Honey, why didn't you tell me she was so beautiful?" "I'm Botcha." "Lula's boyfriend." "You bitch!" "Why didn't you tell me?" "No wonder you were acting so weird." "That's why you've been cutting classes, right?" "Look, you have to blame Botchis for that, because he asked me to keep it a secret and... you know." "It's more romantic." "Don't you think?" "This is awesome!" "Both of you have to come to my mom's party." " Thanks, Pau, but..." " We'd love to." "That's it." "Hold on." "I'll tell my mom." "She won't believe it." "How long has it been since the two of you have spoken?" "Oh, it's been a while." "Hello?" " Hello?" "Mom?" " Where are you?" "Guess what?" "Lula has a boyfriend." "You don't say." "Put her on." "I want to congratulate her." "Hold on." "Hello?" " Lula." "How are you?" " Mrs. Cabos." "How are you?" " So you're coming with my daughter?" " Yes." " And your new boyfriend?" " Yeah, right." "He's coming with us." " I think that's wonderful." " In fact, we were just leaving, okay?" "Don't be late." "Thank you very much and happy birthday." "Get all dressed up..." "kisses for you." " Okay." "Bye." " Bye." " So... shall we?" " Let's go." "Where did she say she was going?" "To the party." "Why did you let her leave?" "Because we didn't know she was going to take the car." "Her father is in the trunk of that car." " Inside a plastic bag." " Out cold." "Stripped naked by his daughter's boyfriend." "God damn it!" "I didn't take his clothes off!" "All right, calm down." "She's going to the party, right?" "Let's take my car and that's it." "Problem solved." "My change." "And the rest." "Oh." "Sorry." "I forgot my wallet." "I have to go back for it." " I won't be long." " Okay." "Don't be." "He's cute, isn't he?" "Let's see them fucking ignore us again." "Anything comes up, you call us." "Take care of him." " Ready." " Good." "She can drive, right?" "Good evening, sir." "Valet?" "What?" "Your car, sir." "I'm from valet parking." " So?" " Ruben, give him your keys." "You're really insane if you think" "I'm going to hand my car keys to this child." "Relax, sir." "I'll take good care of your car." "I'm sure you won't." "Ruben, stop jerking around." "Let's just go inside, fix our little problem and go home." "Your car will be fine." "Here." "If something happens to it, I'll kill you." "No." "Don't laugh." "I'll kill you."