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post | 30i8vd | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,474,088 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i8vd/a_thai_love_story/ | self.jokes | null | A man was lying in bed with his new Thai wife.
After great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his balls -- something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
"Because," she replied, "I miss mine." | A Thai Love Story | 7 |
post | 30i8pn | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,474,013 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i8pn/gay_jokes_arent_funny/ | self.jokes | null | Cum on guys... | Gay jokes aren't funny.. | 0 |
post | 30i8je | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,473,930 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i8je/a_doctor_comes_in_with_some_test_results/ | self.jokes | null | Doctor: "I've got bad news and horrible news, which one do you want first?"
Patient: "The horrible news."
Doctor: "You have AIDS."
Patient: "Oh no, what's the bad news?"
Doctor: "You have alzhemier's."
Patient: Well, at least I don't have AIDS."
| A doctor comes in with some test results... | 6 |
post | 30i86a | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,473,772 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i86a/worlds_greatest_grandfather/ | self.jokes | null | A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, cookies, and all sorts of things.
The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”.
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart.
Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thanks," says the grandfather, "but *I'm* William, this little bastard's name is Kevin!" | World's Greatest Grandfather | 11 |
post | 30i665 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,472,872 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i665/whyd_the_cookie_go_to_the_hospital/ | self.jokes | null | It was feeling a little crumby. | Why'd the cookie go to the hospital? | 9 |
post | 30i5aj | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,472,493 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i5aj/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/ | self.jokes | null | But it's atmospheric pressure so he's fine. | A man walks into a bar | 5 |
post | 30i4vr | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,472,294 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i4vr/what_do_you_call_100_bison/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What do you call 100 Bison | 1 |
post | 30i4nl | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,472,183 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i4nl/i_cant_date_fat_women_anymore/ | self.jokes | null | I just found out I'm lactose intolerant.
Note: I just heard this from some landscapers as I walked my dog. | I can't date fat women anymore... | 0 |
post | 30i4lx | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,472,162 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i4lx/why_do_chickens_support_teenage_rights/ | self.jokes | null | Because they are Pro-Teens | Why do chickens support teenage rights? | 0 |
post | 30i4ko | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,472,143 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i4ko/a_husband_will_only_have_sex_with_his_wife_on_one/ | self.jokes | null | A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids". | A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition | 3,675 |
post | 30i46n | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,471,989 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i46n/what_do_french_business_men_use_to_ice_their_cakes/ | self.jokes | null | Franchicing | What do French Business Men use to ice their cakes? | 1 |
post | 30i3o9 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,471,764 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i3o9/im_a_professional_clickbaiter_ama/ | self.jokes | null | What I did there....Did you see it? | I'm a professional click-baiter. AMA! | 0 |
post | 30i31p | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,471,459 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i31p/what_do_you_call_a_boxer_with_an_upset_stomach/ | self.jokes | null | Gaseous Clay | What do you call a boxer with an upset stomach? | 3 |
post | 30i2ye | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,471,411 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i2ye/what_did_the_cat_say_to_the_prison_guard/ | self.jokes | null | Let MEOOWWWWTTTT!!!! | What did the cat say to the prison guard? | 6 |
post | 30i2sw | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,471,337 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i2sw/you_dont_need_a_parachute_to_skydive/ | self.jokes | null | You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice. | You don't need a parachute to skydive. | 219 |
post | 30i24k | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,471,019 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i24k/gay_jokes_arent_funny/ | self.jokes | null | Come on guys | Gay jokes aren't funny | 32 |
post | 30i237 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,471,002 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i237/three_men_died_and_went_to_hell/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Three men died and went to hell... | 1 |
post | 30i1tz | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,470,874 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i1tz/so_i_want_to_write_a_letter_to_a_deer/ | self.jokes | null | I just don't know how to start it off! | So I want to write a letter to a deer... | 5 |
post | 30i1ox | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,470,814 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i1ox/remember_its_ok_to_blow_your_nose_and_then_wipe/ | self.jokes | null | But don't wipe your butt then blow your nose, unless you're a brown noser. | Remember it's ok to blow your nose and then wipe your butt… | 0 |
post | 30i1j3 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,470,737 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i1j3/women_think_giving_birth_is_hard/ | self.jokes | https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i1j3/women_think_giving_birth_is_hard/ | null | Women think giving birth is hard | 0 |
post | 30i0dr | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,470,201 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i0dr/what_race_of_horses_is_the_most_popular_on_pandora/ | self.jokes | null | Neightiri. | What race of horses is the most popular on Pandora? | 1 |
post | 30i08x | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,470,140 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i08x/i_cant_believe_how_happy_and_sad_iam_at_the_same/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | I can't believe how happy and sad Iam, at the same time. Happy- because I won 5 million dollars. Sad- because my best friend was jealous of me and asked me to delete my spam folder. | 1 |
post | 30i06r | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,470,114 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i06r/can_anybody_else_here_tie_pieces_of_string_with/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Can anybody else here tie pieces of string with their mind? | 17 |
post | 30i03c | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,470,068 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30i03c/im_having_a_hard_time_deciding_which_pillow_i/ | self.jokes | null | I'm going to sleep on it. | I'm having a hard time deciding which pillow I should buy. | 5 |
post | 30hzb4 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,469,671 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hzb4/what_happened_when_jesus_forgot_to_look_both_ways/ | self.jokes | null | He died on the cross! | What happened when Jesus forgot to look both ways? | 1 |
post | 30hz7l | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,469,618 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hz7l/whats_someone_with_parkinsons_favorite_way_of/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What's someone with Parkinson's favorite way of greeting people? | 1 |
post | 30hz13 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,469,532 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hz13/my_girlfriend_was_on_her/ | self.jokes | null | So I put it in her: | My girlfriend was on her. | 683 |
post | 30hyjc | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,469,310 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hyjc/im_glad_i_know_sign_language/ | self.jokes | null | because it's pretty handy | I'm glad I know sign language | 1 |
post | 30hyia | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,469,297 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hyia/i_was_looking_for_a_subtle_way_to_describe_my/ | self.jokes | null | ...and then I went to /r/minimalism... | I was looking for a subtle way to describe my penis... | 7 |
post | 30hyfz | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,469,260 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hyfz/i_had_to_take_my_horse_to_get_surgery_last_week/ | self.jokes | null | The doctor told me he's in stable condition | I had to take my horse to get surgery last week | 1 |
post | 30hxyl | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,469,010 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hxyl/the_pilot_said/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | The pilot said, | 47 |
post | 30hxe6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,468,749 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hxe6/the_best_way_to_a_mans_heart/ | self.jokes | null | ...is between his fourth and fifth rib. | The best way to a man's heart.. | 1 |
post | 30hvwv | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,468,070 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hvwv/did_you_hear_about_the_man/ | self.jokes | null | Did you hear about the man who jumped out of a plane at 40,00 feet without a parachute and survived.....
.....until he hit the ground | Did you hear about the man..... | 1 |
post | 30hvbn | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,467,772 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hvbn/a_man_kills_a_deer_and_takes_it_home_to_cook_for/ | self.jokes | null | ...but he doesn't tell his kids what kind of meat it is. He decides to make them work for it and gives them the clue "Your mum sometimes calls me this instead of my name". The young girl pushes it away, "Ew! I'm not eating asshole, Dad!" | A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner... | 57 |
post | 30hulp | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,467,410 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hulp/whaddya_call_a_man_from_sicily_who_works_at_bed/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Whaddya call a man from Sicily who works at Bed, Bath, and Beyond? | 0 |
post | 30hu4d | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,467,137 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hu4d/whats_the_best_way_to_take_the_piss_out_of_old/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What's the best way to take the piss out of old people? | 0 |
post | 30htkv | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,466,838 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30htkv/nookie_green/ | self.jokes | null | A man enters the confessional and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month".
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, when suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!" | Nookie Green | 1 |
post | 30hsdh | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,466,239 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hsdh/hobo_paint_job/ | self.jokes | null | A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW." | Hobo paint job | 27 |
post | 30hsbs | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,466,212 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hsbs/the_old_lady_had_been_giving_blood/ | self.jokes | null | ... as she did every month. On the way out, she came past a long line of men in front of a door, and asked the last man what they were in line for? The man replayed "This is the sperm bank, i go here once a month and get 100$ for each donation."
The old lady thought this was unfair : Here she gave a pint of blood and only got coffee and chocolate, while the men gave only a small splash and got a 100$. So she left the scene reasonably bitter.
After a while the last man in the queue looked backward, and there stood the old lady. The guy said “Old lady, this is the queue to the sperm bank: Are you sure you`ve gone right?”
The old lady replied “Mmmmmhhhhh…”
| The old lady had been giving blood.. | 0 |
post | 30hr3i | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,465,605 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hr3i/what_did_the_dolphin_say_when_he_ran_into_the_sea/ | self.jokes | null | "Sorry, I didn't do it on porpoise."
| What did the dolphin say when he ran into the sea turtle? | 0 |
post | 30hqs2 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,465,438 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hqs2/is_your_name_gravity/ | self.jokes | null | Cause you're attractive. | Is your name Gravity ? | 10 |
post | 30hq0s | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,465,049 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hq0s/today_i_got_this_text_message_from_my_neighbour/ | self.jokes | null | I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.
I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man(Bob), anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, and has a long drawn out fight with his wife about her infidelity.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Correction: I meant "wifi", not "wife".
| Today i got this text message from my neighbour | 1 |
post | 30hpym | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,465,015 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hpym/what_is_a_ninjas_favorite_drink/ | self.jokes | null | Wataa and fruit punch!
I'll see myself out. | What is a ninjas favorite drink? | 1 |
post | 30hpwp | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,464,981 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hpwp/parallel_lines_have_so_much_in_common/ | self.jokes | null | It's a shame they will never meet. | Parallel lines have so much in common. | 13 |
post | 30hpsw | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,464,926 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hpsw/what_do_you_call_a_mexican_fighting_a_priest/ | self.jokes | null | Alien Vs Predator | What do you call a mexican fighting a priest... | 160 |
post | 30hpf8 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,464,717 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hpf8/why_was_6_afraid_of_7/ | self.jokes | null | Because 7,8, 9/11 was an inside job | Why was 6 afraid of 7? | 4 |
post | 30howc | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,464,433 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30howc/two_guys_are_sitting_next_to_each_other_at_a_bar/ | self.jokes | null | As they're talking one mentions that because of the way the winds wrap around the building if you jump off from the balcony on the east side you'll be pushed back into that open window on the tenth story. The other claims he's full of it. So the first guy gets off his stool, walks to the edge and jumps. Sure enough to the second ones astonishment he goes all the way down to the tenth story and in the window. A few minutes later the 1st man gets off the elevator and sits back down. "That was luck" says the second man! "Nope, works every time. Watch" He gets up off his stool and does it again. Sure enough he reaches the 10th story and goes in the window. After he steps off the elevator and sits down the 2nd man says to him. "That's amazing, I've got to try it!" So the second man leaps from the balcony and falls all the way to his death.
The bartender looks at the first man and says "You really are an asshole when you drink Superman." | Two guys are sitting next to each other at a bar on the top of the empire state building. | 8 |
post | 30hoqf | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,464,353 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hoqf/i_gave_a_homeless_guy_some_cheese_today/ | self.jokes | null | I feel gouda 'bout it. | I gave a homeless guy some cheese today. | 10 |
post | 30hoh8 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,464,222 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hoh8/a_deaf_couple_discussed_signals_for_when_either/ | self.jokes | null | The couple layed down the signals for when either wants to have sex when they were in bed with the lights off.
The wife signs to the husband "If you want to have sex, cup my left breast, but if you don't want sex, just hug me around the middle"
The husband then signs "If you want to have sex, just tug once on my penis, but if you don't want to have sex, just tug on my penis 100 times" | A deaf couple discussed "signals" for when either wants sex in the dark | 93 |
post | 30ho5o | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,464,035 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ho5o/little_mary_went_to_the_barber_with_her/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Little Mary went to the barber with her grandfather. | 0 |
post | 30hndw | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,463,603 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hndw/what_did_the_cow_say_to_her_husband_when_he/ | self.jokes | null | That's bullshit! | What did the cow say to her husband when he denied pooping in the living room? | 1 |
post | 30hn9u | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,463,532 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hn9u/sunny_ahmed_and_will_are_walking_to_a_party/ | self.jokes | null | But they soon realise they don't know where it is, luckily their friend Jason finds them and says he knows where the house is at. So they're walking along, with Ahmed and Will trailing behind the others. After some conversation they begin to discuss their respective religions. Will states that he is a Christian.
Ahmed asks him "are you a follower of Catholicism?"
Will replies "yes I am"
Ahmed then states that he is a Muslim and Will asks "oh, do you follow Sunni?"
Ahmed says "well yes, but he's following Jason"
I'm so sorry | Sunny, Ahmed and Will are walking to a party. | 1 |
post | 30hmuz | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,463,288 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hmuz/how_do_you_get_to_auschwitz_from_berlin/ | self.jokes | null | You have to take the Third Reich. | How do you get to Auschwitz from Berlin? | 2 |
post | 30hmr8 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,463,227 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hmr8/why_arent_there_very_many_jokes_about_the/ | self.jokes | null | The punchline is too long. | Why aren't there very many jokes about the Reverend Jim Jones? | 49 |
post | 30hmnv | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,463,173 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hmnv/i_went_for_a_walk_in_a_cemetery_this_morning_and/ | self.jokes | null | He replied "no, just taking a shit." | I went for a walk in a cemetery this morning and saw a man crouching behind a tombstone. I said "morning" | 126 |
post | 30hmcm | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,463,017 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hmcm/cool_people_of_reddit/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Cool people of Reddit | 1 |
post | 30hm7j | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,462,931 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hm7j/so_there_were_a_group_of_plebs_online/ | self.jokes | null | And they DIDN'T know what they wanted. They thought they wanted biting, intellectual and ORIGINAL content. But they only celebrated the same TRASH over and over again. They just orgied in half-baked reruns of the same damn jokes. It was disgusting and wretched. It was sick.
So then a hero, another_trope, came and posted an intelligent and well thought joke, a play of words. And it was downvoted. Only once, too, because it didn't even get any views. It was a disgrace.
Reddit, this hero, another_trope, is me. I posted the joke that was biting and funny. Y'all are the ones who didn't even bother to acknowledge it. so the punchline?? FUCK YOU! | So there were a group of plebs online... | 0 |
post | 30hlr2 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,462,635 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hlr2/teacher_with_student/ | self.jokes | null | Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it. | Teacher With student.. | 13 |
post | 30hln5 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,462,565 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hln5/my_grandpa_has_the_heart_of_a_lion/ | self.jokes | null | And a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo | My Grandpa has the heart of a Lion... | 4 |
post | 30hlgj | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,462,447 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hlgj/so_i_won_blowjob_from_my_wife_the_other_day/ | self.jokes | null | I got home from the hospital and I told my wife that I saw a live being from fictional lore. She said "You're crazy! You should give the medication to the patients, not take it yourself!" Then I bet her a blowjob that I actually saw a fictional creature in real life. She agreed. "Well I went in to check on my patient in room 604. I was reading Mr. Smiths chart when I saw his chief admission diagnosis was Leprosy. So I walked into the room and asked "How are you Mr. Smith?" Mr. Smith was playing cards on his tray table and looked up and smiled. He said "good morning, you look like a smart fellow." Being pretty sharp , or so I thought, I said "I like to think so." Mr. Smith replied well I bet you $10 you can't find the queen." as he pull a queen and 2 other random cards and placed them on the table. Being no stranger to 3 card monte I was up for it. Where could he possibly hide it? He did his little show, moving the cards around, but I never lost focus of where the queen was. I pointed to where I thought the queen was and BAM, a deuce." My wife looked at me and said, "big deal you lost $10, so?" I pulled out my dick and looked at her and replied "Yeah, but have you ever seen a real life Lepper-Con-Man?" | So I won Blowjob from my wife the other day. | 1 |
post | 30hjwu | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,461,536 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hjwu/jeremy_clarkson_wont_be_on_top_gear_anymore_but/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Jeremy Clarkson won't be on Top Gear anymore but James May | 0 |
post | 30hjw6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,461,527 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hjw6/you_like_fish_sticks/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | You like fish sticks? | 0 |
post | 30hjsm | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,461,478 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hjsm/where_do_you_get_a_drink_on_excel/ | self.jokes | null | ....Formula bar | Where do you get a drink on Excel? | 6 |
post | 30hikt | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,460,782 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hikt/i_just_found_a_joke_i_lost_some_times_ago_guess/ | self.jokes | null | On you... | I just found a joke I lost some times ago! Guess where it was! | 1 |
post | 30hiko | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,460,781 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hiko/whats_black_and_brown_and_red_all_over/ | self.jokes | null | A dead nigger. | What's black and brown and red all over? | 0 |
post | 30hik9 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,460,775 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hik9/why_is_my_dick_like_legos/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Why is my dick like Legos? | 1 |
post | 30hhtm | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,460,330 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hhtm/when_you_say_the_word_poop_your_mouth_makes_the/ | self.jokes | null | The same can be said for "explosive diarrhea" | When you say the word "poop" your mouth makes the same shape as your butthole when you poop | 0 |
post | 30hf5d | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,458,437 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hf5d/a_man_goes_to_a_bar/ | self.jokes | null | A man goes to a bar. He just had a fight with his wife and he want to drown his worries in whisky.
As he drinks, his worries fade away. Soon enough, he is piss-drunk and then he realizes: "Holy shit, my wife is going to kill me! It's almost the middle of the dawn and I'm here, shitfaced and far from home"
So he get up to leave, only to fall face-first on the floor immediately. He can't even walk. "fcknn damnit", the man wisely slurs to himself. He ends up dragging himself with his bare fucking hands all the way home. He doesn't want to wake up his wife, so he just let himself drift away in the couch when he finally arrives.
The next morning, when they wake up, his wife is pissed. He is pissed too, but in a less metaphorical way.
"You spent the night in the bar, didn't you, you little shit" the wife throws at him.
"No, I didn't! I swear!"
"Don't lie to me, dammit! The barman called, you forgot your wheelchair there!" | A man goes to a bar | 55 |
post | 30heah | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,457,814 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30heah/what_do_you_call_a_homosexual_on_roller_skates/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | What do you call a homosexual on roller skates? | 1 |
post | 30hd3i | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,456,921 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hd3i/an_old_man_goes_to_a_job_interview/ | self.jokes | null | The HR Director asks him: "What would you say is your greatest weakness?"
The old man replies, "Honesty"
The HR Director says, "I don't really think honesty could be considered a weakness."
To which the old man says, "I don't really give a crap what you think" | An old man goes to a job interview... | 21 |
post | 30hczd | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,456,846 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hczd/remember_when_you_were_a_kid_and_used_to_blow/ | self.jokes | null | Well, Bubbles is back in town and he's looking for your number. | Remember when you were a kid and used to blow Bubbles? | 2 |
post | 30hcsh | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,456,688 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hcsh/if_a_faggot_is_a_collection_of_sticks_what_do_you/ | self.jokes | null | One Direction. | If a faggot is a collection of sticks, what do you call a collection of faggots? | 5 |
post | 30hc0x | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,456,022 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30hc0x/police_make_potentially_significant_discovery_at/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Police make potentially 'significant' discovery at co-pilot Lubitz's home | 0 |
post | 30haxq | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,455,100 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30haxq/why_was_the_man_eating_pussy_at_the_chinese/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Why was the man eating pussy at the Chinese restaurant? | 0 |
post | 30ha6v | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,454,453 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30ha6v/the_awkward_kid_in_class_came_up_to_me_one_day/ | self.jokes | null | ...that they are starting to resemble humans. I never suspected a thing, until I noticed our barn female cow hitting on me." | The awkward kid in class came up to me one day and muttered, "I never believed those theories about evolution in cows being so advanced lately... | 2 |
post | 30h8yi | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,453,343 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h8yi/i_never_really_understood_all_the_rage_about/ | self.jokes | null | Until I finally decided to sit down and crack open a cold one! | I never really understood all the rage about necrophilia | 2 |
post | 30h8x0 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,453,313 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h8x0/how_many_antifeminists_does_it_take_to_screw_the/ | self.jokes | null | Anti feminists? Nah, they can't screw | How many anti-feminists does it take to screw the light bulb? | 0 |
post | 30h8o6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,453,049 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h8o6/one_weird_trick_guaranteed_to_get_you_a_highly/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | One weird trick guaranteed to get you a highly satisfying sex life | 0 |
post | 30h8ja | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,452,911 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h8ja/if_you_have_a_daughter_let_her_marry_a_programmer/ | self.jokes | null | They are men with codes.
| If you have a daughter, let her marry a programmer. | 6 |
post | 30h801 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,452,392 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h801/what_did_the_fish_say_when_he_hit_the_wall/ | self.jokes | null | Dam. | What did the fish say when he hit the wall? | 25 |
post | 30h7qv | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,452,129 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h7qv/why_did_the_pedophile_masturbate_to_kim_kardashian/ | self.jokes | null | because he was blind. | Why did the pedophile masturbate to Kim Kardashian? | 0 |
post | 30h7hs | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,451,925 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h7hs/so_i_went_to_a_mixed_religion_seminar/ | self.jokes | null | The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”
I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me”
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
Edit: Thanks for the upvotes 😊
If I have inadvertently upset anyone, I apologize. It was just meant as a joke intended 2 give u a chuckle. | So I went to a mixed religion seminar... | 6,598 |
post | 30h5nk | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,450,073 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h5nk/if_microsoft_releases_a_car/ | self.jokes | null | If Microsoft releases a car called Win10 . The same car would fit all size of drivers, from ants to Whales. | If Microsoft releases a car... | 0 |
post | 30h5b6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,449,698 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h5b6/did_you_know_adele_is_a_huge_fan_of_bono/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Did you know Adele is a huge fan of Bono? | 8 |
post | 30h476 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,448,592 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h476/the_war_on_terrorism/ | self.jokes | null | ....God's way of teaching Geography to Americans. | The War on Terrorism.... | 147 |
post | 30h3xr | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,448,306 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h3xr/the_cia_was_looking_for_new_operatives/ | self.jokes | null | For the final test only three candidates are left, two men and a woman.
So, for this final test the first man steps in front of the testing committee and is told his final task:
"As an operative for the CIA you will be stationed abroad, you will be in complicated and dangerous situations and you need to have a clear focus, a mind free of any distractions and be willing to do whatever it takes to finish your assignments. To prove that you are able to do this you need to show us that you are willing to sever your ties with the past and follow even the most disturbing commands.
Behind this door you will find your fiancee tied to a chair and a gun. We need you to go in there and shoot her to prove that you are determined to become an operative."
The guy swallows hard and steps through the door. For a few moments there is silence, then the committee hears a muffled conversation and a lot of weeping. After a few minutes the man comes out of the room, head hanging, eyes red from crying and says "I'm sorry, I can't do this, this is too much for me."
The second man steps infront of the committee, same task (it's his wife), he enters the room, silence, arguing, pleading, weeping, guy comes out, "I can't do this, I love my wife, I am so sorry."
Finally the woman enters, same task, it's her boyfriend, she enters the room.
Silence, crying, pleading and suddenly loud commotion. After a few minutes the noise stops and the woman comes back out through the door, out of breath, sprayed in blood and saying
"What the fuck, there were only blanks in that gun, so I had to beat the fucker to death with the chair."
PS:English is not my first language, feel free to correct my spelling/grammar. | The CIA was looking for new operatives | 9 |
post | 30h3qh | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,448,108 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h3qh/why_do_meth_heads_like_to_do_it_doggy_style/ | self.jokes | null | So they can both peek out the blinds. | Why do meth heads like to do it doggy style? | 2 |
post | 30h3ex | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,447,789 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h3ex/what_did_the_buffalo_say_when_dropping_off_his/ | self.jokes | null | Bison. | What did the buffalo say when dropping off his son at college? | 3 |
post | 30h3a6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,447,646 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h3a6/the_minister_looked_at_me_and_shook_his_head/ | self.jokes | null | The Minister looked at me and shook his head.
"Don't blame me," I said, "You're the one who told me to share my happiest memories of Kate. 'It's what people do at funerals' you said."
"Yes I did," he replied, "but never in a million years did I expect you to regale the congregation with the 'first anal' story!" | The Minister looked at me and shook his head... | 5 |
post | 30h2az | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,446,616 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h2az/mister_why_doesnt_this_cow_have_any_horns_asked/ | self.jokes | null | "Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city.
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.
But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse." | "Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady.. | 6 |
post | 30h1vo | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,446,149 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h1vo/what_do_you_call_a_dad_that_works_at_a_grocery/ | self.jokes | null | Baghdad | What do you call a dad that works at a grocery store? | 0 |
post | 30h1dr | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,445,577 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h1dr/ill_tell_you_a_gay_joke/ | self.jokes | null | butt fuck it.
(yeah yeah the joke is old, so am I) | I'll tell you a gay joke, | 0 |
post | 30h19h | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,445,431 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h19h/cat_race/ | self.jokes | null | So, England and France have a friendly contest to see which country is superior. They do this by having a cat race, in which the French cat, 'Un Duex Trois, and English cat 'One Two Three' will race across the channel.
The race starts and One Two Three cat speeds across the water, easily winning.
Unfortunately, Un Deux Trois cat sank. | Cat Race | 11 |
post | 30h0px | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,444,836 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h0px/a_woman_visits_her_doctor_complaining_of_a/ | self.jokes | null | A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling in her lower stomach. The doctor examines her and states;
"Well, I can tell you that you'll need to be buying lots of nappies in about nine months time."
"Am I pregnant? That is wonderful news."
"No, you have bowel cancer." | A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling.. | 4 |
post | 30h0ky | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,444,688 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h0ky/a_lawyer_asked_the_defendant_in_a_court_room/ | self.jokes | null | "Just answer my question!"
"Yes, but, at a certain degree...." | A lawyer asked the defendant in a court room: "Objection, your honour! My question was, did you or did you not wanted to incinerate the victim for sleeping with your wife???" | 1 |
post | 30h0eq | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,444,492 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30h0eq/i_was_told_i_could_view_the_eclipse_through_a/ | self.jokes | null | I think I strained my eyes | I was told I could view the eclipse through a colander. | 6 |
post | 30gzt8 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,443,852 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30gzt8/an_indian_man_on_his_death_bed/ | self.jokes | null | An Indian man on his death bed.
"Sanjita, my wife, are you here?"
"Yes, my husband."
"My son and daughter, are you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Then who's in the fucking shop?" | An Indian man on his death bed.. | 9 |
post | 30gzhw | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,443,510 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30gzhw/took_the_shell_off_my_racing_snail_to_see_if_i/ | self.jokes | null | Just made it a bit sluggish. | Took the shell off my racing snail to see if I could make it go faster... | 111 |
post | 30gz1l | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,443,075 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30gz1l/my_dad_used_to_smoke_pot_with_me/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | My dad used to smoke pot with me. | 40 |
post | 30gyu4 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,427,442,879 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/30gyu4/who_says_men_dont_remember/ | self.jokes | null | A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door." | Who Says Men Don't Remember | 9 |