Citing scripture's command to "speak plainer," the viceregent has imposed a strict ban on mumbling. "It also makes it hard to tell whether they are heretics plotting the destruction of all that is holy," he added.
However, he has also forbidden other students to laugh at the Tolkienoids, because, as MORAMBAR says: "No one laughs at Tolkien!"
Smoking is already encouraged, so there is no change there. The viceregent reiterated that, while pipe-smoking is cool, it is not the only smoking in which tolkien engaged or which FATS encourages. "MORAMBAR made it very clear that olifant cigars are the preferred smoking apparatus," he observed.
Tolkienoids are also being required to renew their loyalty oaths to MORAMBAR and to the aministration.
Oxfat (The Throttler) -- A pack of Greer worshippers staged a blasphemous demonstration in front of the Incredibly Stinky Giant Cigar today. Chanting things like "Tolkien makes us sick!", these vile unmentionables hurled contumely and derision upon the holy of holies, even attacking Tom Bombadil's poetry. Happily, MOE, FATS' intrepid security force, ate most of the miscreants - but not before the world received a sobering reminder of the depths to which the enemies of all that is good will stoop.
At the same time, there has appeared a weird cult among FATS, a group of people who call themselves "Tolkienoids". They believe that to truly understand Tolkien, you must also talk like Tolkien, act like Tolkien, and look like Tolkien. So they all walk around in wool sweaters, smoking pipes, and mumbling weird things. And there are reports of even more bizarre rites being practiced among the extremists. In absence of a clear position by MORAMBAR on such imitation, the viceregent of FATS has ordered their leaders held for questioning. There is no objection to their dressing, looking, and acting like Tolkien as yet, and the viceregent was quite polite to them, offering them warm beer and mush. But he does want clarification of their attitude towards MORAMBAR and the FATS leadership.
Finnish Lands (pim) -- Apparently the Finns do have a city after all. It is called Korsula (Trenchtown in common speech), and it consists of a network of WWII style trenches and dugouts. Naturally the reason why it was not previously known is that it was so well camouflaged, as well as basically in the middle of nowhere in the northern woods.
Currently, many people are wondering if Korsula is indeed just a piece of WWII nostalogy, or if it's build for some other purpose, like protecting some secret treasure.
Capital City (pim) -- Imaginary TV, the number one cable network TV of Capital City, begins nationwide transmissions this month, but is Fredonia ready for it? In the five years it has been operating, the Imaginary TV has created some amazing success, but also a great deal of controversy.
The founder of Imaginary TV, Sambo McSchuyster, arrived in Fredonia through the Wood Between the Worlds, from a mysterious place called Hallowed Timber, where he was working as a TV producer. Upon arriving to Capital City, he soon invented the concept of Imaginary Televison, based on the old phrase that no TV program could ever surpass the human imagination. The Imaginary TV provides only the basic stuctures of the story, characters and the background, but leaves the rest to the imagination of the viewers. Arriving in time of a major economic boom, McShuyster was able to collect risk funding for his project with ease, and soon the popularity of Imaginary TV surpassed all expectations.
Critics have discredited the network as a massive hoax, stating that as there are no actual shows, the viewers are basically paying for nothing, but constant high ratings and a string of award winning shows seem to indicate that this is precisely what today's audiences want to see from their televisions.
Capital City (pim) -- In a recent press conference, the representative of Barftat government repeated the accusations against Capital City, for harbouring and protecting a known terrorist and a war criminal, Ooga-Drog-Hog, also known as the Remorseful Troll. The representative of Barftat stated that his government has provided Capital City with "undeniable evidence, which you have been unable to retort in any meaningful way, despite your repeated attempts of distorting the facts, and resorting to ad hominem attacks and spelling flames", of Mr. Hog being guilty of numerous crimes against "the Humanity and the Netiquette", and demanded that he should be immediately apprehended and turned over to Barftat officials to face justice.
The representative of Barftat assured that Mr. Hog would recieve a fair and impartial treatment in court, in accordance to all civilized laws and customs. When inquired the specific nature of the evidence Barftat has presented against Mr. Hog, the representative commented: "The evidence for his guilt can be detected from his race."
Pezopolis (Terribly Exact Uncensored News Consortium) -- The annual duel between the Count of Helluvaprofit and the Margrave of Wetland, which is one of the leading events at the Royal Pizza-Sneezing Celebration, was called off again this year, leaving the remaining Electors present at the festivities no more bored than usual. The occasion of the affair of honour this year was possession of a cactus in the Filthy Demesne.
The duel could not take place because the Margrave's second, Count Generic de Blah, was not present at the event. A spokesman said he had "forgotten" and had another engagement in one of the casini of Capital City. Moreover, the Count of Helluvaprofit never showed up either. Later reports indicated that he had run away fron his second, the Rogsylvanian crime expert named Ralph. It appears that Ralph was feeling peckish.
Attendees at the Pizza-Sneezing Celebration were relieved that the Ceremonial Trolling continued as scheduled.