Once upon a time, those two words came easily. They were honored without any qualms, fear, or the suspicious “yeah, right” that currently runs through your mind. It’s not that you aren’t committed to getting the trust back. You both still want a life together. After the infidelity, the disclosure, and the trauma of it all, there is still a lot of love to save.
And that’s also really, really hard. Because rebuilding trust after infidelity is not easy. Can you do it?
Of course, if you want to. But to be successful at rebuilding trust, there are things you’ve gotta do. This is work. But don’t get discouraged. It’s worth doing.
Start with a good look inside.
Are you committed to your relationship? Be sure. Rebuilding trust will be a bumpy road. To get anywhere, you’ll need to stay on it. Exclusivity is a must on this journey. There cannot be a hint of drifting or wavering when building trust in a committed relationship. That is firmly in the past. Trust after infidelity is only built when you and your partner believe the other is all in.
Choose your relationship and honor that choice every day.
Begin building trust with dedicated help, support, and counseling. Like it or not, broken trust is a messy thing. Especially when betrayal comes by way of cheating and sneaking and lies. There are shards and splinters of fractured trust pricking your relationship deeply. Some in places you expect, and a lot you don’t.
Time and energy are precious. Don’t waste them on draining, ineffective attempts to work it out alone. You don’t have to figure this out on your own.
You need nonjudgmental people around to hold you both up when you get tired of the pain. You need sure, steady counsel to guide you when you’re weary of the painstaking process of repairing your love. And you’ll likely come to rely on the tools and lessons of therapy to teach you how to really heal.
Don’t prolong the pain. Call a therapist who can help get you talking and trusting again. Call for help. Keep generating trust by opening yourself up fully, once you feel safe. Hiding from each other does not support a trusting relationship. You’ll need to find ways to be transparent and honest, even when your partner isn’t actively seeking answers. Open your emotions and thoughts to your partner.
Practically speaking, you might need to open your smart phones or laptops too, let them know where you are and be reliable and set expectations: “I’m in Oakland hunny see you in 10 minutes” so your partner is reassured that the honesty he or she is witnessing is at work in public and private.
Is that overkill? Not really. Trust and transparency may require an extra measure of effort to demonstrate your trustworthiness. Part of the consequences for going outside your marriage is now being very available. Demonstrate a willingness to communicate without holding anything back.
In the interest of moving forward, it is not too much to expect that passwords are provided, and all answers are straightforward and forthcoming. Sincerity and consistency help rehabilitate trust and intimacy between you.
Following infidelity, your primary goal is be more than just a couple surviving or recovering. To solidify your new and improved relationship, seek to forgive.
As you work with your therapist, accept that mutual trust will include self-examination and realizations about how you both participated in the breakdown of your relationship. Releasing each other from shame and blame to do the repair work is freedom to successfully rebuild trust authentically.
Ultimately, sincere forgiveness supports trust, accountability, and a return to true partnership.
When you rebuild trust well, you will have built a stronger, surer love. Love that is shored up with reliable and healthy relationship habits that will serve you well from here on out.
Recommit, recognize the need for transparency, reestablish respect and communication, and release the past. With help and support, you can do it all for the sake of a solid second chance and the future together you always wanted.