The only limitations are those in your head. Everything else is just a technical problem.

Cleaning out the cabinets…

For the past two weeks I’ve been having nightmares about Ella, Dave and the baby I miscarried in June. I have never experienced nightmares this intense before. Certainly not dreams so vivid that I wake up in tears. The dreams vary, but mostly they have the same theme, abandonment. Everyone leaves me alone. In the most recent dream, I was standing on a bridge and watched Ella, Dave and the baby jump off the bridge. I yelled, screamed and ran after them only to be left alone as they were swept away by the waters below. I woke up in tears. Dave woke up to my sobs and he comforted me. However, I was angry at him for leaving me alone. This is crazy, it was a dream. He is right there loving and supporting me.

I have been doing some research on dreams and grief and it’s not unusual to experience nightmares. Reliving the pain of death and loss on the astral plane. I have been talking about my dreams to anyone who will listen. Several of my friends who have recently been pregnant reminded me that during pregnancy your dreams can be very vivid as well. There just seem to be so many layers to grief and loss that it penetrates every aspect of my life. This morning I was cleaning out the cabinets in my kitchen, i came across a few bags of grains and can goods that were several years expired. As I move through this journey of grief, loss and rebirth I feel like I am searching the dark cabinets of my soul and releasing the expired can goods of my past. I think about the times that I was angry, sad and frustrated with Ella’s disability. How unfair her life seemed to be at times and the pain it caused me as her Mom as I tried to fix everything and protect her. These are feelings that I can let go of now because as I reflect back on her short life, she was a happy, happy kid. She lived a rich, full 11 years. She imparted her sage-like wisdom on our family and changed the person that I am forever. She taught me the most important lesson of all to always, “Choose love at every turn. No matter what. No exceptions.”