---
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Oh, God, I''m pathetic. Sorry. Just go... You want the
    rest of the cham-paggin?'
  - 'Leela: No, and it''s pronounced "cham-pain".'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Oh, God, no! '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: You look like a woman who appreciates the finer things
    in life. Come over here and feel my velour bedspread. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Cham-paggin?'
  - 'Leela: I didn''t realize you were such a "coin-asseur."'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Well, I have studied abroad... or two. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Brannigan''s Law is like Brannigan''s love, hard and
    fast. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Mmm... Welcome to my humble chamber or as I call it,
    "The Lovenasium". '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: We have failed to uphold Brannigan''s Law. However I
    did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt
    of since first he looked up at the stars? '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Captain''s journal. Stardate: uhhh...'
  - 'Kif Kroker: April 13.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: April 13... point two. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: As my protege you should know that the only way to deal
    with a female adversary is to seduce her.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: This time we are sure she''s a woman, right?'
  - 'Kif Kroker: *Yes*. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: In the game of chess you can never let your adversary
    see your pieces. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: So, crawling back to the big Z like a bird on its belly.
    Delicious.'
  - 'Leela: Birds don''t crawl.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: They''d been known to. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: [musing to himself after capturing Fry, Leela and Bender]
    Rock breaks scissors. But paper covers rock, and scissors cut paper! Kiff: we
    have a conundrum. Search them for paper... and bring me a rock. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Captain''s log. Stardate: 3000.6.'
  - 'Kif Kroker: Who are you talking to?'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: You, Kif. Aren''t you writing this down? '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Now you''re officially my woman. Kudos! I can''t say
    I don''t envy you. '
- - 'Leela: You know Zapp, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I realised
    that inside, you were just a pitiful child. But now I realise that outside that
    child is a big pompous buffoon!'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: And which one rocked your world? '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: You''ll be negotiating with the balls mysterious leaders,
    the Brain Balls. They''ve got a lot of brains, and they''ve got a lot of chutzpah... '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Oh god, I''ve never been so happy to be beaten up by
    a woman.'
  - 'Leela: Let''s do it again sometime. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Stop exploding, you cowards. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions
    which are weird and deeply confusing. '
- - 'Soldier: Why is this godforsaken hellhole worth dying for?'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Don''t ask me. You''re the ones who are going to be dying. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: As you know, the key to victory is the element of surprise.
    Surprise! '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Men, you''re lucky men. Soon, you''ll all be fighting
    for your planet. many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will
    be put through a fine mesh screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of
    all. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: I''m de-promoting you, soldier. Kiff, what''s the most
    humiliating job there is?'
  - 'Kif Kroker: Being your assistant.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Wrong. Being *your* assistant. '
- - 'Leela: You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: If it''s a lesson in love, watch out. I suffer from a
    very sexy learning disability. What did I call it, Kiff?'
  - 'Kif Kroker: Ugh... sexlexia. '
- - 'Richard Nixon''s Head: So anyway, we open the panda crate, and wouldn''t you
    know it, the damn thing was dead. Upchucked its bamboo. True story.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Uh-huh.Uh-huh. That''s whatever you were talking about
    for ya. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Private Lemon is the finest soldier I''ve seen since
    my mirror got grease on it. '
- - 'Fry: Uh, just so we''ll know, who''s the enemy?'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: A valid question! We know nothing about them, their language,
    their history or what they look like. But we can assume this. They stand for everything
    we don''t stand for. Also they told me you guys look like dorks.'
  - 'Bender: They look like dorks! '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Dammit, Kif! Where''s the little umbrella? That''s what
    makes it as scotch on the rocks. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: [as Kif scrubs his back] A little lower, Kif. Lower.
    Lower. Lower. A lot lower. Too low! Lower. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is
    spongy and bruised. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: I don''t often say this, but you three are the most beautiful
    gigantic ladies I''ve ever laid eyes upon. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: [piloting a floating restaurant] Ah, she''s built like
    a steakhouse but she handles like a bistro. '
- - 'Leela: [Leela, Amy, Zapp and Kiff have just crashlanded on some planet] What
    planet is this, anyway?'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: I don''t know. This entire sector is uncharted.'
  - 'Kif Kroker: It is not uncharted, You lost the chart! '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: [crashing into a planet] You win again, gravity! '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Well, this promises to be one disturbingly erotic date.'
  - 'Leela: Half date.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Waiter, a bottle of your finest wine.'
  - 'Leela: Half bottle.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: And some oysters on the half shell.'
  - 'Leela: Quarter shell. '
- - 'Leela: What is this planet?'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: I don''t know. This whole area is uncharted.'
  - 'Kif Kroker: It''s not uncharted. You lost the chart. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Kif old friend - let''s rap. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: You know, I find the most erotic part of a woman is the
    boobies. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Since this is an emergency, all robots will now have
    their patriotism circuits activated.'
  - 'Bender: It is every robot''s duty to give his life for the good of humanity...'
  - 'Bender: Aw, crap! '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should
    fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an
    idiot could have devised it. On my command all ships will line up and file directly
    into the alien death cannons, clogging them with wreckage.'
  - 'Fry: W-Wouldn''t it make more sense to send the robots in first a - ?'
  - 'Bender: Sir, I volunteer for a suicide mission.'
  - 'Bender: Cut it out!'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: You''re a brave robot, son. But when I''m in command
    every mission''s a suicide mission. '
- - 'Lrrr: Surely you know McNeal. She is an unmarried human female struggling to
    succeed in a human male''s world.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Maybe that''s just her excuse for being incompetent. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Our mission is clear: destroy all alien lifeforms.'
  - 'Kif Kroker: Umm, not me sir...'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Right. Nobody destroy Kif. Unless you have to. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Stop exploding, you cowards! '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Leela, perhaps before we head into battle you''d like
    to make love to me, in case one of us doesn''t come back.'
  - 'Leela: Maybe we should wait ''til afterwards, in case neither of us comes back.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: [misunderstanding] Here''s hoping. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: [huge spaceship appears] What the hell is that thing?'
  - 'Kif Kroker: It appears to be the mothership.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Then what did we just blow up?'
  - 'Kif Kroker: [looks on map] The Hubble Telescope. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well-made
    bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.'
  - 'Fry: You mean while I''m sleeping on it?'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: You won''t have time for sleeping, soldier, not with
    all the bed making you''ll be doing. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Maybe that''s just her excuse for being incompetent '
- - 'Lt. Kif Kroker: [as asteroids are flying by the bridge] Do you remember that
    "course correction" you made, sir?'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: [meaning it] No. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Kiff, I''m feeling the "captain''s itch".'
  - 'Lt. Kif Kroker: I''ll get the powder, sir. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: But as a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as
    glance at another woman, I''ll be on Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive
    manure. '
- - 'Kif Kroker: Captain, may I have a word with you?'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: No.'
  - 'Kif Kroker: It''s an emergency, sir.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Come back when it''s a catastrophe.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Oh, very well. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Don''t blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start.
    I guess all that remains now is for the captain to go down with the ship.'
  - 'Lt. Kif Kroker: That''s surprisingly noble of you, sir.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: No, it''s noble of you, Kif. As of now, you''re in command.
    Congratulations, Captain.'
  - '[Zapp runs off] '
- - 'Lt. Kif Kroker: [Captain Zapp Brannigan wants to change the flight course] This
    is a pleasure cruise. Our path is decided by the travel agency.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: That''s for schoolgirls. Now here''s a course with some
    chest hair. [Draws a meandering line on the chart]'
  - 'Lt. Kif Kroker: But that leads us straight through a comet field.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Ah, yes. Comets, the icebergs of the sky. By jackknifing
    off one after another at breakneck speed, we can create a gravity boost, or something. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: We''ll just set a new course for that empty region over
    there, near that blackish, holeish thing. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: She''s a beautiful ship. Shapely, seductive. I''m gonna
    fly her brains out. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I''m feeling the Captain''s Itch.'
  - 'Kif Kroker: I''ll get the powder, sir. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Leela, you may be a formidable do-er of the nasty, but
    I''m forced to relieve you of your post. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: You know, boys, a good captain needs abilities like boldness,
    daring and a good velour uniform, and I''m not convinced Leela has ANY of those
    things. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Here''s to us poor schmoes, working for the man. Even
    if he is a hot, sexy female man. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: One day, a man has everything. Then the next day, he
    blows up a billion dollar space station. And then the next day, he has nothing.
    Makes you think, huh, Kipp?'
  - 'Kif Kroker: No, it doesn''t. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: It was almost the perfect crime, but you forgot the one
    thing: rock crushes scissors.'
  - '[Suddenly thoughtful]'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: But paper covers rock. And scissors cuts paper. Kif,
    we have a conundrum. Search them for paper. And bring me a rock. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: One day, a man has everything. Then the next day, he
    blows up a billion dollar space station. And then the next day, he has nothing.
    Makes you think, huh, Kif?'
  - 'Kif Kroker: No, it doesn''t. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: I surrender and volunteer for treason! '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: President Nixon. What the hell. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: My God! We''re defenseless, like fish in a barrel.'
  - 'Richard Nixon''s Head: Options?'
  - 'Zapp Brannigan: My instinct is to hide in this barrel, like the wily fish. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Magnify that death sphere.'
  - '[Screen zooms in on a pixelated death sphere]'
  - 'Zapp Brannigan: Why is it still blurry?'
  - 'Kif Kroker: That''s all the resolution we have. Making it bigger doesn''t make
    it clearer.'
  - 'Zapp Brannigan: It does on CSI Miami. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Captain''s log: We have lost control of the ship. Adddendum:
    Whoooaaaa! '
- - 'Turanga Leela: Come, Adam, and taste of my forbidden fruit.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Thee will be done. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: [surprises Leela in bed] How about I help you finish
    that dream you were having about me?'
  - 'Leela: Okay. I was just at this part. Yaaa! [punches Zapp in the face]'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Uh, let''s try that a little lower and a lot softer. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: [interrupting Kif''s videophone call] Lieutenant, some
    things came off me and clogged up the drain and... Oh, ho, what''s this?'
  - '[zooms in on Leela, reading a book]'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Well, well, well. Do my eyes believe me, or is that my
    bosomy swan, Leela?'
  - 'Leela: Say again? You''re breaking up.'
  - '[throws book at videophone] '
- - 'Attila the Hun: Stop! Don''t shoot fire stick in space canoe! Cause explosive
    decompression!'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Spare me your space age technobabble, Attila the Hun. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Leela! How could you? Our love has had to endure your
    constant hatred, and now this?'
  - '[whining]'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Stop testing our love! '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I''m sensing a very sensual disturbance in the force.
    Prepare for ship-to-ship intimacy. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan at your service. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Don''t be such a chicken, Kif. Teenagers smoke, and they
    seem pretty on-the-ball. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Chief, my people are a people of law, and the law is
    no backsies. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan! '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Say, these would go great with some guacamol.'
  - 'Lrrr: Stop eating our young! And it''s pronounced guacamole! '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: The Omicronians have decided not to eat all the humans.'
  - 'Lrrr: I filled up with nuts at the negociations. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: [Free Waterfall Jr. has given away that the orangutan
    has taken Leela''s place] Why''d you open your bonghole, you smelly hippie? You''d
    sacrifice a beautiful woman to save a moderately attractive monkey? You must have
    smoked some bad granola!'
  - 'Lrrr: [Puts on a pair of glasses] The one called "Smelly Hippie" is right, this
    is a monkey!'
  - 'Nd-nd: [Eats orangutan] Yes definitely a monkey!'
  - 'Lrrr: Where''s the real female?'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: I''ll never tell!'
  - 'Lrrr: [Points raygun at his face] Where''s the real female!'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: [Nervously] I''ll get her for you '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: So, may I have the pleasure?'
  - 'Turanga Leela: What little there is to be had. '
- - 'Mom: Hey, Captain Zapp. How much is that oversized placemat actually worth?'
  - 'Zapp Brannigan: Exactly ten million dollars.'
  - 'Mom: Now that''s walking around money! '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: The Spiderians, though weak and gilrly in combat, are
    masters of the textile arts. Taste like king crab, by the way. The lazy bugs actually
    wove this tapestry celebrating my victory as I was killing them. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Do you understand the charges?'
  - 'Kif Kroker: One beep for yes, two beeps for no.'
  - '[Fry beeps once]'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Yes, so noted. Do you plead guilty?'
  - '[Fry beeps twice]'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Double yes. Guilty. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: The court will now hear some very sensual testimony from
    this court''s ex-lover, Turanga Leela.  '
- - 'George Takei: You see, the show was banned after the Star Trek wars.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: You mean the mass migration of Star Wars fans?'
  - 'Nichelle Nichols: No, that was the Star Wars trek. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Happy Freedom Day, ladies! Come on, show me something.
    Anything. Seriously, I''d take an armpit. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: You can''t be too careful with these codes. Rumor has
    it a double agent is aboard this very ship.'
  - '[Stares at Kif]'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: I''m watching you. You, ensign. What''s your name?'
  - 'Hugh Man: [Clearly a Decapodian in disguise] Hugh Man, sir.'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Hugh Man? Now that''s a name you can trust. Run down
    to the central battle computer and enter these codes. Chop, chop!'
  - '[Gives the codes to "Hugh", who scuttles out of the bridge]'
  - 'Kif Kroker: Um, sir, there''s something about that ensign that''s...'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: You''re damn right there is. That strapping young lad
    is gunning for your job, and he just might get it.'
  - '["Hugh" is seen out the window on a shuttle flying to the Decapodian ship] '
- - '[a "herd" of Lucy Liu robots are destroying New New York]'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: That''s a wave of destruction that''s easy on the eyes! '
- - '[the city is being attacked by Lucy Liu robots]'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Now there''s a wave of destruction that''s easy on the
    eyes. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: I got your distress call and came here as soon as I wanted
    to. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: [to woman Fry] Well, hello from the neck down. '
- - 'Unattractive Giant Monster: I''ll destroy you all! I won''t stop until your whole
    planet is as ugly as you perceive me to be!'
  - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: That will take a very long time. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Hey, freakshow! Your face has been declared a weapon
    of mass disgusting!'
  - 'Kif Kroker: [laughing] Timeless. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Ladies, you''re under arrest. Prepare to be boarded again
    and again. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Bender here''s identified the femdido commander as my
    ex-lover Turanga Leela, whom I once made love at.'
  - 'President Richard Nixon: And he''s willing to fink her out for a few simoleons?'
  - 'Bender: It''s not about the money, Nixon, though I''d like much more. It''s ''cause
    Leela''s a threat. A threat to my reputation~ She''s committed 30 felonies in
    12 star systems. If no one stops her, she''ll break my record for longest rap
    sheet.'
  - 'President Richard Nixon: That''s a despicable motive, Bender, and I respect it.'
  - 'Bender: Gracias. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: We fight this battle not for ourselves, but for our children,
    and our children''s children, which is why I''m forming a children''s brigade. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Great leader, I offer you a sacrifice.'
  - '[Holds up Kif]'
  - 'Zapp Brannigan: How about this?'
  - '[Lrrr takes off one of Kif''s legs]'
  - 'Kif Kroker: Hey!'
  - 'Lrrr: [Eats leg] He''ll do. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: [singing] There it is, Miss Universe... There it is,
    looking weird... '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Hell of a thing sending another universe to certain doom.
    Lots of fun, though. Makes a man feel big. '
- - 'Captain Zapp Brannigan: Fire all weapons and set a transmission frequency for
    my victory yodel. '
