ACT V    SCENE I.

--The Library

     Enter SURFACE and SERVANT

SURFACE. Mr. Stanley! and why should you think I would see him?--you
must know he came to ask something!

SERVANT. Sir--I shouldn't have let him in but that Mr. Rowley came to
the Door with him.

SURFACE. Pshaw!--Blockhead to suppose that I should now be in a Temper
to receive visits from poor Relations!--well why don't you show the
Fellow up?

SERVANT. I will--Sir--Why, Sir--it was not my Fault that Sir Peter
discover'd my Lady----

SURFACE. Go, fool!--

    [Exit SERVANT.]

Sure Fortune never play'd a man of my policy such a Trick before--my
character with Sir Peter!--my Hopes with Maria!--destroy'd in a
moment!--I'm in a rare Humour to listen to other People's Distresses!--I
shan't be able to bestow even a benevolent sentiment on Stanley--So!
here--He comes and Rowley with him--I MUST try to recover myself, and
put a little Charity into my Face however.----

     [Exit.]

     Enter SIR OLIVER and ROWLEY

SIR OLIVER. What! does He avoid us? that was He--was it not?

ROWLEY. It was Sir--but I doubt you are come a little too abruptly--his
Nerves are so weak that the sight of a poor Relation may be too much for
him--I should have gone first to break you to him.

SIR OLIVER. A Plague of his Nerves--yet this is He whom Sir Peter
extolls as a Man of the most Benevolent way of thinking!--

ROWLEY. As to his way of thinking--I can't pretend to decide[,] for, to
do him justice He appears to have as much speculative Benevolence as any
private Gentleman in the Kingdom--though he is seldom so sensual as to
indulge himself in the exercise of it----

SIR OLIVER. Yet [he] has a string of charitable Sentiments I suppose at
his Fingers' ends!--

ROWLEY. Or, rather at his Tongue's end Sir Oliver; for I believe there
is no sentiment he has more faith in than that 'Charity begins at Home.'

SIR OLIVER. And his I presume is of that domestic sort which never stirs
abroad at all.

ROWLEY. I doubt you'll find it so--but He's coming--I mustn't seem to
interrupt you--and you know immediately--as you leave him--I come in to
announce--your arrival in your real Character.

SIR OLIVER. True--and afterwards you'll meet me at Sir Peter's----

ROWLEY. Without losing a moment.

     [Exit.]

SIR OLIVER. So--I see he has premeditated a Denial by the Complaisance
of his Features.

     Enter SURFACE

SURFACE. Sir--I beg you ten thousand Pardons for keeping--you a moment
waiting--Mr. Stanley--I presume----

SIR OLIVER. At your Service.

SURFACE. Sir--I beg you will do me the honour to sit down--I entreat you
Sir.

SIR OLIVER. Dear Sir there's no occasion--too civil by half!

SURFACE. I have not the Pleasure of knowing you, Mr. Stanley--but I am
extremely happy to see you look so well--you were nearly related to my
mother--I think Mr. Stanley----

SIR OLIVER. I was Sir--so nearly that my present Poverty I fear may do
discredit to her Wealthy Children--else I should not have presumed to
trouble you.--

SURFACE. Dear Sir--there needs no apology--He that is in Distress tho' a
stranger has a right to claim kindred with the wealthy--I am sure I wish
I was of that class, and had it in my power to offer you even a small
relief.

SIR OLIVER. If your Unkle, Sir Oliver were here--I should have a
Friend----

SURFACE. I wish He was Sir, with all my Heart--you should not want an
advocate with him--believe me Sir.

SIR OLIVER. I should not need one--my Distresses would recommend
me.--but I imagined--his Bounty had enabled you to become the agent of
his Charity.

SURFACE. My dear Sir--you are strangely misinformed--Sir Oliver is a
worthy Man, a worthy man--a very worthy sort of Man--but avarice
Mr. Stanley is the vice of age--I will tell you my good Sir in
confidence:--what he has done for me has been a mere--nothing[;] tho'
People I know have thought otherwise and for my Part I never chose to
contradict the Report.

SIR OLIVER. What!--has he never
transmitted--you--Bullion--Rupees--Pagodas!

SURFACE. O Dear Sir--Nothing of the kind--no--no--a few Presents now and
then--china, shawls, congo Tea, Avadavats--and indian Crackers--little
more, believe me.

SIR OLIVER. Here's Gratitude for twelve thousand pounds!--Avadavats and
indian Crackers.

SURFACE. Then my dear--Sir--you have heard, I doubt not, of the
extravagance of my Brother--Sir--there are very few would credit what I
have done for that unfortunate young man.

SIR OLIVER. Not I for one!

SURFACE. The sums I have lent him! indeed--I have been exceedingly to
blame--it was an amiable weakness! however I don't pretend to defend
it--and now I feel it doubly culpable--since it has deprived me of the
power of serving YOU Mr. Stanley as my Heart directs----

SIR OLIVER. Dissembler! Then Sir--you cannot assist me?

SURFACE. At Present it grieves me to say I cannot--but whenever I have
the ability, you may depend upon hearing from me.

SIR OLIVER. I am extremely sorry----

SURFACE. Not more than I am believe me--to pity without the Power to
relieve is still more painful than to ask and be denied----

SIR OLIVER. Kind Sir--your most obedient humble servant.

SURFACE. You leave me deeply affected Mr. Stanley--William--be ready to
open the door----

SIR OLIVER. O, Dear Sir, no ceremony----

SURFACE. Your very obedient----

SIR OLIVER. Your most obsequious----

SURFACE. You may depend on hearing from me whenever I can be of
service----

SIR OLIVER. Sweet Sir--you are too good----

SURFACE. In the mean time I wish you Health and Spirits----

SIR OLIVER. Your ever grateful and perpetual humble Servant----

SURFACE. Sir--yours as sincerely----

SIR OLIVER. Charles!--you are my Heir.

     [Exit.]

SURFACE, solus Soh!--This is one bad effect of a good Character--it
invites applications from the unfortunate and there needs no small
degree of address to gain the reputation of Benevolence without
incurring the expence.--The silver ore of pure Charity is an expensive
article in the catalogue of a man's good Qualities--whereas the
sentimental French Plate I use instead of it makes just as good a
shew--and pays no tax.

     Enter ROWLEY

ROWLEY. Mr. Surface--your Servant: I was apprehensive of interrupting
you, tho' my Business demands immediate attention--as this Note will
inform you----

SURFACE. Always Happy to see Mr. Rowley--how--Oliver--Surface!--My Unkle
arrived!

ROWLEY. He is indeed--we have just parted--quite well--after a speedy
voyage--and impatient to embrace his worthy Nephew.

SURFACE. I am astonished!--William[!] stop Mr. Stanley, if He's not
gone----

ROWLEY. O--He's out of reach--I believe.

SURFACE. Why didn't you let me know this when you came in together.--

ROWLEY. I thought you had particular--Business--but must be gone to
inform your Brother, and appoint him here to meet his Uncle. He will be
with you in a quarter of an hour----

SURFACE. So he says. Well--I am strangely overjoy'd at his coming--never
to be sure was anything so damn'd unlucky!

ROWLEY. You will be delighted to see how well He looks.

SURFACE. O--I'm rejoiced to hear it--just at this time----

ROWLEY. I'll tell him how impatiently you expect him----

SURFACE. Do--do--pray--give my best duty and affection--indeed, I cannot
express the sensations I feel at the thought of seeing him!--certainly
his coming just at this Time is the cruellest piece of ill Fortune----

     [Exeunt.]

SCENE II.

--At SIR PETER'S House

     Enter MRS. CANDOUR and SERVANT

SERVANT. Indeed Ma'am, my Lady will see nobody at Present.

MRS. CANDOUR. Did you tell her it was her Friend Mrs. Candour----

SERVANT. Yes Ma'am but she begs you will excuse her----

MRS. CANDOUR. Do go again--I shall be glad to see her if it be only for
a moment--for I am sure she must be in great Distress

     [exit MAID]

--Dear Heart--how provoking!--I'm not mistress of half the
circumstances!--We shall have the whole affair in the newspapers with
the Names of the Parties at length before I have dropt the story at a
dozen houses.

     Enter SIR BENJAMIN

Sir Benjamin you have heard, I suppose----

SIR BENJAMIN. Of Lady Teazle and Mr. Surface----

MRS. CANDOUR. And Sir Peter's Discovery----

SIR BENJAMIN. O the strangest Piece of Business to be sure----

MRS. CANDOUR. Well I never was so surprised in my life!--I am so sorry
for all Parties--indeed,

SIR BENJAMIN. Now I don't Pity Sir Peter at all--he was so
extravagant--partial to Mr. Surface----

MRS. CANDOUR. Mr. Surface!--why 'twas with Charles Lady Teazle was
detected.

SIR BENJAMIN. No such thing Mr. Surface is the gallant.

MRS. CANDOUR. No--no--Charles is the man--'twas Mr. Surface brought Sir
Peter on purpose to discover them----

SIR BENJAMIN. I tell you I have it from one----

MRS. CANDOUR. And I have it from one----

SIR BENJAMIN. Who had it from one who had it----

MRS. CANDOUR. From one immediately--but here comes Lady
Sneerwell--perhaps she knows the whole affair.

     Enter LADY SNEERWELL

LADY SNEERWELL. So--my dear Mrs. Candour Here's a sad affair of our
Friend Teazle----

MRS. CANDOUR. Aye my dear Friend, who could have thought it.

LADY SNEERWELL. Well there is no trusting to appearances[;] tho'--indeed
she was always too lively for me.

MRS. CANDOUR. To be sure, her manners were a little too--free--but she
was very young----

LADY SNEERWELL. And had indeed some good Qualities.

MRS. CANDOUR. So she had indeed--but have you heard the Particulars?

LADY SNEERWELL. No--but everybody says that Mr. Surface----

SIR BENJAMIN. Aye there I told you--Mr. Surface was the Man.

MRS. CANDOUR. No--no--indeed the assignation was with Charles----

LADY SNEERWELL. With Charles!--You alarm me Mrs. Candour!

MRS. CANDOUR. Yes--yes He was the Lover--Mr. Surface--do him
justice--was only the Informer.

SIR BENJAMIN. Well I'll not dispute with you Mrs. Candour--but be it
which it may--I hope that Sir Peter's wound will not----

MRS. CANDOUR. Sir Peter's wound! O mercy! I didn't hear a word of their
Fighting----

LADY SNEERWELL. Nor I a syllable!

SIR BENJAMIN. No--what no mention of the Duel----

MRS. CANDOUR. Not a word--

SIR BENJAMIN. O, Lord--yes--yes--they fought before they left the Room.

LADY SNEERWELL. Pray let us hear.

MRS. CANDOUR. Aye--do oblige--us with the Duel----

SIR BENJAMIN. 'Sir'--says Sir Peter--immediately after the Discovery,
'you are a most ungrateful Fellow.'

MRS. CANDOUR. Aye to Charles----

SIR BENJAMIN. No, no--to Mr. Surface--'a most ungrateful Fellow; and old
as I am, Sir,' says He, 'I insist on immediate satisfaction.'

MRS. CANDOUR. Aye that must have been to Charles for 'tis very unlikely
Mr. Surface should go to fight in his own House.

SIR BENJAMIN. Gad's Life, Ma'am, not at all--giving me immediate
satisfaction--on this, Madam--Lady Teazle seeing Sir Peter in such
Danger--ran out of the Room in strong Hysterics--and Charles after her
calling out for Hartshorn and Water! Then Madam--they began to fight
with Swords----

     Enter CRABTREE

CRABTREE. With Pistols--Nephew--I have it from undoubted authority.

MRS. CANDOUR. Oh, Mr. Crabtree then it is all true----

CRABTREE. Too true indeed Ma'am, and Sir Peter Dangerously wounded----

SIR BENJAMIN. By a thrust in second--quite thro' his left side

CRABTREE. By a Bullet lodged in the Thorax----

MRS. CANDOUR. Mercy--on me[!] Poor Sir Peter----

CRABTREE. Yes, ma'am tho' Charles would have avoided the matter if he
could----

MRS. CANDOUR. I knew Charles was the Person----

SIR BENJAMIN. O my Unkle I see knows nothing of the matter----

CRABTREE. But Sir Peter tax'd him with the basest ingratitude----

SIR BENJAMIN. That I told you, you know----

CRABTREE. Do Nephew let me speak--and insisted on immediate----

SIR BENJAMIN. Just as I said----

CRABTREE. Odds life! Nephew allow others to know something too--A Pair
of Pistols lay on the Bureau--for Mr. Surface--it seems, had come home
the Night before late from Salt-Hill where He had been to see the Montem
with a Friend, who has a Son at Eton--so unluckily the Pistols were left
Charged----

SIR BENJAMIN. I heard nothing of this----

CRABTREE. Sir Peter forced Charles to take one and they fired--it seems
pretty nearly together--Charles's shot took Place as I tell you--and Sir
Peter's miss'd--but what is very extraordinary the Ball struck against
a little Bronze Pliny that stood over the Fire Place--grazed out of the
window at a right angle--and wounded the Postman, who was just coming to
the Door with a double letter from Northamptonshire.

SIR BENJAMIN. My Unkle's account is more circumstantial I must
confess--but I believe mine is the true one for all that.

LADY SNEERWELL. I am more interested in this Affair than they
imagine--and must have better information.--

     [Exit.]

SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! Lady Sneerwell's alarm is very easily accounted for.--

CRABTREE. Yes yes, they certainly DO say--but that's neither here nor
there.

MRS. CANDOUR. But pray where is Sir Peter at present----

CRABTREE. Oh! they--brought him home and He is now in the House, tho'
the Servants are order'd to deny it----

MRS. CANDOUR. I believe so--and Lady Teazle--I suppose attending him----

CRABTREE. Yes yes--and I saw one of the Faculty enter just before me----

SIR BENJAMIN. Hey--who comes here----

CRABTREE. Oh, this is He--the Physician depend on't.

MRS. CANDOUR. O certainly it must be the Physician and now we shall
know----

     Enter SIR OLIVER

CRABTREE. Well, Doctor--what Hopes?

MRS. CANDOUR. Aye Doctor how's your Patient?

SIR BENJAMIN. Now Doctor isn't it a wound with a small sword----

CRABTREE. A bullet lodged in the Thorax--for a hundred!

SIR OLIVER. Doctor!--a wound with a small sword! and a Bullet in the
Thorax!--oon's are you mad, good People?

SIR BENJAMIN. Perhaps, Sir, you are not a Doctor.

SIR OLIVER. Truly Sir I am to thank you for my degree If I am.

CRABTREE. Only a Friend of Sir Peter's then I presume--but, sir, you
must have heard of this accident--

SIR OLIVER. Not a word!

CRABTREE. Not of his being dangerously wounded?

SIR OLIVER. The Devil he is!

SIR BENJAMIN. Run thro' the Body----

CRABTREE. Shot in the breast----

SIR BENJAMIN. By one Mr. Surface----

CRABTREE. Aye the younger.

SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely in your
accounts--however you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded.

SIR BENJAMIN. Oh yes, we agree in that.

CRABTREE. Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt in that.

SIR OLIVER. Then, upon my word, for a person in that Situation, he is
the most imprudent man alive--For here he comes walking as if nothing at
all was the matter.

     Enter SIR PETER

Odd's heart, sir Peter! you are come in good time I promise you, for we
had just given you over!

SIR BENJAMIN. 'Egad, Uncle this is the most sudden Recovery!

SIR OLIVER. Why, man, what do you do out of Bed with a Small Sword
through your Body, and a Bullet lodg'd in your Thorax?

SIR PETER. A Small Sword and a Bullet--

SIR OLIVER. Aye these Gentlemen would have kill'd you without Law or
Physic, and wanted to dub me a Doctor to make me an accomplice.

SIR PETER. Why! what is all this?

SIR BENJAMIN. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the Story of the Duel is not
true--and are sincerely sorry for your other Misfortune.

SIR PETER. So--so--all over the Town already! [Aside.]

CRABTREE. Tho', Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to marry
at all at your years.

SIR PETER. Sir, what Business is that of yours?

MRS. CANDOUR. Tho' Indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a Husband, he's
very much to be pitied.

SIR PETER. Plague on your pity, Ma'am, I desire none of it.

SIR BENJAMIN. However Sir Peter, you must not mind the Laughing and
jests you will meet with on the occasion.

SIR PETER. Sir, I desire to be master in my own house.

CRABTREE. 'Tis no Uncommon Case, that's one comfort.

SIR PETER. I insist on being left to myself, without ceremony,--I insist
on your leaving my house directly!

MRS. CANDOUR. Well, well, we are going and depend on't, we'll make the
best report of you we can.

SIR PETER. Leave my house!

CRABTREE. And tell how hardly you have been treated.

SIR PETER. Leave my House--

SIR BENJAMIN. And how patiently you bear it.

SIR PETER. Friends! Vipers! Furies! Oh that their own Venom would choke
them!

SIR OLIVER. They are very provoking indeed, Sir Peter.

     Enter ROWLEY

ROWLEY. I heard high words: what has ruffled you Sir Peter--

SIR PETER. Pshaw what signifies asking--do I ever pass a Day without my
Vexations?

SIR OLIVER. Well I'm not Inquisitive--I come only to tell you, that I
have seen both my Nephews in the manner we proposed.

SIR PETER. A Precious Couple they are!

ROWLEY. Yes and Sir Oliver--is convinced that your judgment was right
Sir Peter.

SIR OLIVER. Yes I find Joseph is Indeed the Man after all.

ROWLEY. Aye as Sir Peter says, He's a man of Sentiment.

SIR OLIVER. And acts up to the Sentiments he professes.

ROWLEY. It certainly is Edification to hear him talk.

SIR OLIVER. Oh, He's a model for the young men of the age! But how's
this, Sir Peter? you don't Join us in your Friend Joseph's Praise as I
expected.

SIR PETER. Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world, and the fewer
we praise the better.

ROWLEY. What do YOU say so, Sir Peter--who were never mistaken in your
Life?

SIR PETER. Pshaw--Plague on you both--I see by your sneering you have
heard--the whole affair--I shall go mad among you!

ROWLEY. Then to fret you no longer Sir Peter--we are indeed acquainted
with it all--I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surface's so humbled,
that she deigned to request ME to be her advocate with you--

SIR PETER. And does Sir Oliver know all too?

SIR OLIVER. Every circumstance!

SIR PETER. What of the closet and the screen--hey[?]

SIR OLIVER. Yes yes--and the little French Milliner. Oh, I have been
vastly diverted with the story! ha! ha! ha!

SIR PETER. 'Twas very pleasant!

SIR OLIVER. I never laugh'd more in my life, I assure you: ha! ha!

SIR PETER. O vastly diverting! ha! ha!

ROWLEY. To be sure Joseph with his Sentiments! ha! ha!

SIR PETER. Yes his sentiments! ha! ha! a hypocritical Villain!

SIR OLIVER. Aye and that Rogue Charles--to pull Sir Peter out of the
closet: ha! ha!

SIR PETER. Ha! ha! 'twas devilish entertaining to be sure--

SIR OLIVER. Ha! ha! Egad, Sir Peter I should like to have seen your Face
when the screen was thrown down--ha! ha!

SIR PETER. Yes, my face when the Screen was thrown down: ha! ha! ha! O I
must never show my head again!

SIR OLIVER. But come--come it isn't fair to laugh at you neither my old
Friend--tho' upon my soul I can't help it--

SIR PETER. O pray don't restrain your mirth on my account: it does not
hurt me at all--I laugh at the whole affair myself--Yes--yes--I
think being a standing Jest for all one's acquaintance a very happy
situation--O yes--and then of a morning to read the Paragraphs about
Mr. S----, Lady T----, and Sir P----, will be so entertaining!--I shall
certainly leave town tomorrow and never look mankind in the Face again!

ROWLEY. Without affectation Sir Peter, you may despise the ridicule of
Fools--but I see Lady Teazle going towards the next Room--I am sure you
must desire a Reconciliation as earnestly as she does.

SIR OLIVER. Perhaps MY being here prevents her coming to you--well I'll
leave honest Rowley to mediate between you; but he must bring you all
presently to Mr. Surface's--where I am now returning--if not to reclaim
a Libertine, at least to expose Hypocrisy.

SIR PETER. Ah! I'll be present at your discovering yourself there with
all my heart; though 'tis a vile unlucky Place for discoveries.

SIR OLIVER. However it is very convenient to the carrying on of my Plot
that you all live so near one another!

     [Exit SIR OLIVER.]

ROWLEY. We'll follow--

SIR PETER. She is not coming here you see, Rowley--

ROWLEY. No but she has left the Door of that Room open you
perceive.--see she is in Tears--!

SIR PETER. She seems indeed to wish I should go to her.--how dejected
she appears--

ROWLEY. And will you refrain from comforting her--

SIR PETER. Certainly a little mortification appears very becoming in a
wife--don't you think it will do her good to let her Pine a little.

ROWLEY. O this is ungenerous in you--

SIR PETER. Well I know not what to think--you remember Rowley the Letter
I found of her's--evidently intended for Charles?

ROWLEY. A mere forgery, Sir Peter--laid in your way on Purpose--this is
one of the Points which I intend Snake shall give you conviction on--

SIR PETER. I wish I were once satisfied of that--She looks this
way----what a remarkably elegant Turn of the Head she has! Rowley I'll
go to her--

ROWLEY. Certainly--

SIR PETER. Tho' when it is known that we are reconciled, People will
laugh at me ten times more!

ROWLEY. Let--them laugh--and retort their malice only by showing them
you are happy in spite of it.

SIR PETER. Efaith so I will--and, if I'm not mistaken we may yet be the
happiest couple in the country--

ROWLEY. Nay Sir Peter--He who once lays aside suspicion----

SIR PETER. Hold Master Rowley--if you have any Regard for me--never let
me hear you utter anything like a Sentiment. I have had enough of THEM
to serve me the rest of my Life.

     [Exeunt.]

SCENE THE LAST.

--The Library

     SURFACE and LADY SNEERWELL

LADY SNEERWELL. Impossible! will not Sir Peter immediately be reconciled
to CHARLES? and of consequence no longer oppose his union with MARIA?
the thought is Distraction to me!

SURFACE. Can Passion--furnish a Remedy?

LADY SNEERWELL. No--nor cunning either. O I was a Fool, an Ideot--to
league with such a Blunderer!

SURFACE. Surely Lady Sneerwell I am the greatest Sufferer--yet you see I
bear the accident with Calmness.

LADY SNEERWELL. Because the Disappointment hasn't reached your
HEART--your interest only attached you to Maria--had you felt for
her--what I have for that ungrateful Libertine--neither your Temper nor
Hypocrisy could prevent your showing the sharpness of your Vexation.

SURFACE. But why should your Reproaches fall on me for this
Disappointment?

LADY SNEERWELL. Are not you the cause of it? what had you to bate in
your Pursuit of Maria to pervert Lady Teazle by the way.--had you not a
sufficient field for your Roguery in blinding Sir Peter and supplanting
your Brother--I hate such an avarice of crimes--'tis an unfair monopoly
and never prospers.

SURFACE. Well I admit I have been to blame--I confess I deviated from
the direct Road of wrong but I don't think we're so totally defeated
neither.

LADY SNEERWELL. No!

SURFACE. You tell me you have made a trial of Snake since we met--and
that you still believe him faithful to us--

LADY SNEERWELL. I do believe so.

SURFACE. And that he has undertaken should it be necessary--to swear and
prove that Charles is at this Time contracted by vows and Honour to
your Ladyship--which some of his former letters to you will serve to
support--

LADY SNEERWELL. This, indeed, might have assisted--

SURFACE. Come--come it is not too late yet--but hark! this is probably
my Unkle Sir Oliver--retire to that Room--we'll consult further when
He's gone.--

LADY SNEERWELL. Well but if HE should find you out to--

SURFACE. O I have no fear of that--Sir Peter will hold his tongue for
his own credit sake--and you may depend on't I shall soon Discover Sir
Oliver's weak side!--

LADY SNEERWELL. I have no diffidence of your abilities--only be constant
to one roguery at a time--

     [Exit.]

SURFACE. I will--I will--So 'tis confounded hard after such bad Fortune,
to be baited by one's confederate in evil--well at all events
my character is so much better than Charles's, that I
certainly--hey--what!--this is not Sir Oliver--but old Stanley
again!--Plague on't that He should return to teaze me just now--I shall
have Sir Oliver come and find him here--and----

     Enter SIR OLIVER

Gad's life, Mr. Stanley--why have you come back to plague me at this
time? you must not stay now upon my word!

SIR OLIVER. Sir--I hear your Unkle Oliver is expected here--and tho' He
has been so penurious to you, I'll try what He'll do for me--

SURFACE. Sir! 'tis impossible for you to stay now--so I must beg----come
any other time and I promise you you shall be assisted.

SIR OLIVER. No--Sir Oliver and I must be acquainted--

SURFACE. Zounds Sir then [I] insist on your quitting the--Room
directly--

SIR OLIVER. Nay Sir----

SURFACE. Sir--I insist on't--here William show this Gentleman out. Since
you compel me Sir--not one moment--this is such insolence.

     [Going to push him out.]

     Enter CHARLES

CHARLES. Heyday! what's the matter now?--what the Devil have you got
hold of my little Broker here! Zounds--Brother, don't hurt little
Premium. What's the matter--my little Fellow?

SURFACE. So! He has been with you, too, has He--

CHARLES. To be sure He has! Why, 'tis as honest a little----But sure
Joseph you have not been borrowing money too have you?

SURFACE. Borrowing--no!--But, Brother--you know sure we expect Sir
Oliver every----

CHARLES. O Gad, that's true--Noll mustn't find the little Broker here to
be sure--

SURFACE. Yet Mr. Stanley insists----

CHARLES. Stanley--why his name's Premium--

SURFACE. No no Stanley.

CHARLES. No, no--Premium.

SURFACE. Well no matter which--but----

CHARLES. Aye aye Stanley or Premium, 'tis the same thing as you say--for
I suppose He goes by half a hundred Names, besides A. B's at the
Coffee-House. [Knock.]

SURFACE. 'Sdeath--here's Sir Oliver at the Door----Now I beg--Mr.
Stanley----

CHARLES. Aye aye and I beg Mr. Premium----

SIR OLIVER. Gentlemen----

SURFACE. Sir, by Heaven you shall go--

CHARLES. Aye out with him certainly----

SIR OLIVER. This violence----

SURFACE. 'Tis your own Fault.

CHARLES. Out with him to be sure.     [Both forcing SIR OLIVER out.]

     Enter SIR PETER TEAZLE, LADY TEAZLE, MARIA, and ROWLEY

SIR PETER. My old Friend, Sir Oliver!--hey! what in the name of
wonder!--Here are dutiful Nephews!--assault their Unkle at his first
Visit!

LADY TEAZLE. Indeed Sir Oliver 'twas well we came in to rescue you.

ROWLEY. Truly it was--for I perceive Sir Oliver the character of old
Stanley was no Protection to you.

SIR OLIVER. Nor of Premium either--the necessities of the former could
not extort a shilling from that benevolent Gentleman; and with the other
I stood a chance of faring worse than my Ancestors, and being knocked
down without being bid for.

SURFACE. Charles!

CHARLES. Joseph!

SURFACE. 'Tis compleat!

CHARLES. Very!

SIR OLIVER. Sir Peter--my Friend and Rowley too--look on that elder
Nephew of mine--You know what He has already received from my Bounty and
you know also how gladly I would have look'd on half my Fortune as held
in trust for him--judge then my Disappointment in discovering him to be
destitute of Truth--Charity--and Gratitude--

SIR PETER. Sir Oliver--I should be more surprized at this Declaration,
if I had not myself found him to be selfish--treacherous and
Hypocritical.

LADY TEAZLE. And if the Gentleman pleads not guilty to these pray let
him call ME to his Character.

SIR PETER. Then I believe we need add no more--if He knows himself He
will consider it as the most perfect Punishment that He is known to the
world--

CHARLES. If they talk this way to Honesty--what will they say to ME by
and bye!

SIR OLIVER. As for that Prodigal--his Brother there----

CHARLES. Aye now comes my Turn--the damn'd Family Pictures will ruin
me--

SURFACE. Sir Oliver--Unkle--will you honour me with a hearing--

CHARLES. I wish Joseph now would make one of his long speeches and I
might recollect myself a little--

SIR OLIVER. And I suppose you would undertake to vindicate yourself
entirely--

SURFACE. I trust I could--

SIR OLIVER. Nay--if you desert your Roguery in its Distress and try to
be justified--you have even less principle than I thought you had.--[To
CHARLES SURFACE] Well, Sir--and YOU could JUSTIFY yourself too I
suppose--

CHARLES. Not that I know of, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER. What[!] little Premium has been let too much into the secret
I presume.

CHARLES. True--Sir--but they were Family Secrets, and should not be
mentioned again you know.

ROWLEY. Come Sir Oliver I know you cannot speak of Charles's Follies
with anger.

SIR OLIVER. Odd's heart no more I can--nor with gravity either--Sir
Peter do you know the Rogue bargain'd with me for all his
Ancestors--sold me judges and Generals by the Foot, and Maiden Aunts as
cheap as broken China!

CHARLES. To be sure, Sir Oliver, I did make a little free with the
Family Canvas that's the truth on't:--my Ancestors may certainly rise in
judgment against me there's no denying it--but believe me sincere when I
tell you, and upon my soul I would not say so if I was not--that if I do
not appear mortified at the exposure of my Follies, it is because I
feel at this moment the warmest satisfaction in seeing you, my liberal
benefactor.

SIR OLIVER. Charles--I believe you--give me your hand again: the
ill-looking little fellow over the Couch has made your Peace.

CHARLES. Then Sir--my Gratitude to the original is still encreased.

LADY TEAZLE. [Advancing.] Yet I believe, Sir Oliver, here is one whom
Charles is still more anxious to be reconciled to.

SIR OLIVER. O I have heard of his Attachment there--and, with the young
Lady's Pardon if I construe right that Blush----

SIR PETER. Well--Child--speak your sentiments--you know--we are going to
be reconciled to Charles--

MARIA. Sir--I have little to say--but that I shall rejoice to hear that
He is happy--For me--whatever claim I had to his Affection--I willing
resign to one who has a better title.

CHARLES. How Maria!

SIR PETER. Heyday--what's the mystery now? while he appeared an
incorrigible Rake, you would give your hand to no one else and now that
He's likely to reform I'll warrant You won't have him!

MARIA. His own Heart--and Lady Sneerwell know the cause.

[CHARLES.] Lady Sneerwell!

SURFACE. Brother it is with great concern--I am obliged to speak on
this Point, but my Regard to justice obliges me--and Lady Sneerwell's
injuries can no longer--be concealed--[Goes to the Door.]

     Enter LADY SNEERWELL

SIR PETER. Soh! another French milliner egad! He has one in every Room
in the House I suppose--

LADY SNEERWELL. Ungrateful Charles! Well may you be surprised and feel
for the indelicate situation which your Perfidy has forced me into.

CHARLES. Pray Unkle, is this another Plot of yours? for as I have Life I
don't understand it.

SURFACE. I believe Sir there is but the evidence of one Person more
necessary to make it extremely clear.

SIR PETER. And that Person--I imagine, is Mr. Snake--Rowley--you were
perfectly right to bring him with us--and pray let him appear.

ROWLEY. Walk in, Mr. Snake--

     Enter SNAKE

I thought his Testimony might be wanted--however it happens unluckily
that He comes to confront Lady Sneerwell and not to support her--

LADY SNEERWELL. A Villain!--Treacherous to me at last! Speak, Fellow,
have you too conspired against me?

SNAKE. I beg your Ladyship--ten thousand Pardons--you paid me extremely
Liberally for the Lie in question--but I unfortunately have been offer'd
double to speak the Truth.

LADY SNEERWELL. The Torments of Shame and Disappointment on you all!

LADY TEAZLE. Hold--Lady Sneerwell--before you go let me thank you for
the trouble you and that Gentleman have taken in writing Letters from me
to Charles and answering them yourself--and let me also request you
to make my Respects to the Scandalous College--of which you are
President--and inform them that Lady Teazle, Licentiate, begs leave to
return the diploma they granted her--as she leaves of[f] Practice and
kills Characters no longer.

LADY SNEERWELL. Provoking--insolent!--may your Husband live these fifty
years!

     [Exit.]

SIR PETER. Oons what a Fury----

LADY TEAZLE. A malicious Creature indeed!

SIR PETER. Hey--not for her last wish?--

LADY TEAZLE. O No--

SIR OLIVER. Well Sir, and what have you to say now?

SURFACE. Sir, I am so confounded, to find that Lady Sneerwell could be
guilty of suborning Mr. Snake in this manner to impose on us all that
I know not what to say----however, lest her Revengeful Spirit should
prompt her to injure my Brother I had certainly better follow her
directly.

     [Exit.]

SIR PETER. Moral to the last drop!

SIR OLIVER. Aye and marry her Joseph if you can.--Oil and Vinegar
egad:--you'll do very well together.

ROWLEY. I believe we have no more occasion for Mr. Snake at Present--

SNAKE. Before I go--I beg Pardon once for all for whatever uneasiness I
have been the humble instrument of causing to the Parties present.

SIR PETER. Well--well you have made atonement by a good Deed at last--

SNAKE. But I must Request of the Company that it shall never be known--

SIR PETER. Hey!--what the Plague--are you ashamed of having done a right
thing once in your life?

SNAKE. Ah: Sir--consider I live by the Badness of my Character!--I have
nothing but my Infamy to depend on!--and, if it were once known that I
had been betray'd into an honest Action, I should lose every Friend I
have in the world.

SIR OLIVER. Well--well we'll not traduce you by saying anything to your
Praise never fear.

     [Exit SNAKE.]

SIR PETER. There's a precious Rogue--Yet that fellow is a Writer and a
Critic.

LADY TEAZLE. See[,] Sir Oliver[,] there needs no persuasion now to
reconcile your Nephew and Maria--

SIR OLIVER. Aye--aye--that's as it should be and egad we'll have the
wedding to-morrow morning--

CHARLES. Thank you, dear Unkle!

SIR PETER. What! you rogue don't you ask the Girl's consent first--

CHARLES. Oh, I have done that a long time--above a minute ago--and She
has look'd yes--

MARIA. For Shame--Charles--I protest Sir Peter, there has not been a
word----

SIR OLIVER. Well then the fewer the Better--may your love for each other
never know--abatement.

SIR PETER. And may you live as happily together as Lady Teazle and
I--intend to do--

CHARLES. Rowley my old Friend--I am sure you congratulate me and I
suspect too that I owe you much.

SIR OLIVER. You do, indeed, Charles--

ROWLEY. If my Efforts to serve you had not succeeded you would have been
in my debt for the attempt--but deserve to be happy--and you over-repay
me.

SIR PETER. Aye honest Rowley always said you would reform.

CHARLES. Why as to reforming Sir Peter I'll make no promises--and that
I take to be a proof that I intend to set about it--But here shall be my
Monitor--my gentle Guide.--ah! can I leave the Virtuous path those Eyes
illumine?

   Tho' thou, dear Maid, should'st wave [waive] thy Beauty's Sway,
   --Thou still must Rule--because I will obey:
   An humbled fugitive from Folly View,
   No sanctuary near but Love and YOU:
   You can indeed each anxious Fear remove,
   For even Scandal dies if you approve.  [To the audience.]

EPILOGUE

     BY MR. COLMAN

     SPOKEN BY LADY TEAZLE

     I, who was late so volatile and gay,
     Like a trade-wind must now blow all one way,
     Bend all my cares, my studies, and my vows,
     To one dull rusty weathercock--my spouse!
     So wills our virtuous bard--the motley Bayes
     Of crying epilogues and laughing plays!
     Old bachelors, who marry smart young wives,
     Learn from our play to regulate your lives:
     Each bring his dear to town, all faults upon her--
     London will prove the very source of honour.
     Plunged fairly in, like a cold bath it serves,
     When principles relax, to brace the nerves:
     Such is my case; and yet I must deplore
     That the gay dream of dissipation's o'er.
     And say, ye fair! was ever lively wife,
     Born with a genius for the highest life,
     Like me untimely blasted in her bloom,
     Like me condemn'd to such a dismal doom?
     Save money--when I just knew how to waste it!
     Leave London--just as I began to taste it!
       Must I then watch the early crowing cock,
     The melancholy ticking of a clock;
     In a lone rustic hall for ever pounded,
     With dogs, cats, rats, and squalling brats surrounded?
     With humble curate can I now retire,
     (While good Sir Peter boozes with the squire,)
     And at backgammon mortify my soul,
     That pants for loo, or flutters at a vole?
     Seven's the main!  Dear sound that must expire,
     Lost at hot cockles round a Christmas fire;
     The transient hour of fashion too soon spent,
     Farewell the tranquil mind, farewell content!
     Farewell the plumed head, the cushion'd tete,
     That takes the cushion from its proper seat!
     That spirit-stirring drum!--card drums I mean,
     Spadille--odd trick--pam--basto--king and queen!
     And you, ye knockers, that, with brazen throat,
     The welcome visitors' approach denote;
     Farewell all quality of high renown,
     Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious town!
     Farewell! your revels I partake no more,
     And Lady Teazle's occupation's o'er!
     All this I told our bard; he smiled, and said 'twas clear,
     I ought to play deep tragedy next year.
     Meanwhile he drew wise morals from his play,
     And in these solemn periods stalk'd away:--
     "Bless'd were the fair like you; her faults who stopp'd,
     And closed her follies when the curtain dropp'd!
     No more in vice or error to engage,
     Or play the fool at large on life's great stage."

END OF PLAY

<1> This PORTRAIT and Garrick's PROLOGUE are not included in Fraser
Rae's text.

<2> From Sheridan's manuscript.

<3> The story in Act I. Scene I., told by Crabtree about Miss Letitia
Piper, is repeated here, the speaker being Sir Peter:

   SIR PETER.  O nine out of ten malicious inventions are founded
   on some ridiculous misrepresentation--Mrs. Candour you remember
   how poor Miss Shepherd lost her Lover and her Character one
   Summer at Tunbridge.

   MRS. C.  To be sure that was a very ridiculous affair.

   CRABTREE.  Pray tell us Sir Peter how it was.

   SIR P.  Why madam--[The story follows.]

   MRS. C.  Ha ha strange indeed--

   SIR P.  Matter of Fact I assure you....

   LADY T.  As sure as can be--Sir Peter will grow scandalous
   himself--if you encourage him to tell stories.
   [Fraser Rae's footnote--Ed.]

<4> The words which follow this title are not inserted in the manuscript
of the play. [Fraser Rae's footnote.--Ed.]

<5> From this place to Scene ii. Act IV. several sheets are missing.
[Fraser Rae's footnote.--Ed.]

Sir Oliver, along with Rowley, goes to visit Joseph, who is not pleased with the timing of the visit. Sir Oliver is disguised as Mr. Stanley, Joseph's poor relative. Joseph refuses to help Stanley financially, claiming that he has no money, even though Sir Oliver sent him a large sum of money from India. Sir Oliver is angered by this and declares, "Charles! You are my heir" as he exits. After "Mr. Stanley" leaves, Rowley returns and tells Joseph that his uncle has arrived in town. Joseph asks Rowley to stop Mr. Stanley, but Rowley says he thinks it won't be possible. Joseph is still upset that all this business is happening at such an inopportune time, but he is excited to see his uncle. Scene II takes place at Sir Peter's house. Lady Sneerwell, Mrs. Candour, Sir Benjamin, and eventually Crabtree talk about the rumors surrounding Lady Teazle. The rumors are blown out of proportion as they report to one another that Charles and Sir Peter supposedly dueled with either swords or guns. Lady Sneerwell hides her involvement in the issue somewhat, and leaves the group discussing the rumor. Soon after Lady Sneerwell leaves, Sir Oliver arrives at the house. They believe him to be the doctor, present to tend to Sir Peter's wound from the supposed duel. Sir Oliver tells them he is not a doctor, calling attention to the differences in the stories he is being told--the parties still not agreeing on whether the wound came from a sword or a bullet. Sir Peter then arrives and everyone makes a fuss about him not being wounded after all. The group makes fun of him and he throws them out of his house, telling them he wants neither their jokes nor their pity. Finally, only Sir Oliver remains, and Rowley returns. Sir Oliver tells Sir Peter about his visits with both nephews. Sir Oliver also says that he too has heard the story of Sir Peter, Lady Teazle, Joseph, and Charles, and laughs at his friend. They all laugh together, and Sir Peter laments without much feeling how the gossip will continue to circulate through the papers. Sir Oliver leaves so that Sir Peter can reconcile with his wife. Rowley and Sir Peter discuss how badly Lady Teazle is feeling about what happened and Sir Peter suggests that he might leave her to feel bad for a while instead of going to speak to her. Rowley chides him, and Sir Peter agrees to go make up with her. Lady Sneerwell and Joseph meet to discuss whether Sir Peter will now reconcile with Charles and let him marry Maria. Lady Sneerwell scolds him for ruining the plot. Joseph suggests that if Snake is still faithful to them, it may not be too late. They hear a knocking at the door; Joseph thinks this will be his uncle coming to call, so Lady Sneerwell leaves. Indeed, it is Sir Oliver at the door, but due to Sir Oliver's disguise, Joseph thinks it is Mr. Stanley. Sir Oliver keeps pretending to be Mr. Stanley, saying he wants to meet with Sir Oliver as well in order to get some financial help. Joseph does not want this, and tries to push Mr. Stanley out the door. Charles arrives and thinks Sir Oliver is Mr. Premium. Both Charles and Joseph try to get the man to leave; in the confusion, Sir Peter, Lady Teazle, Maria, and Rowley all come in. Sir Oliver reveals to his nephews who he is, and that he decided to leave his money to Charles. Maria arrives, but she refuses to marry Charles because she heard rumors about a relationship between him and Lady Sneerwell. Snake reveals the truth, and then Maria agrees to marry Charles. The play ends with an epilogue, spoken by Lady Teazle to the audience.

Another example of dramatic irony can be found in Act V when Sir Oliver visits Joseph in disguise. Once again, Sir Oliver plays the role while giving many asides to the audience about Joseph's greed, and the audience is both entertained by Joseph's inability to recognize his own uncle  and also shocked along with Sir Oliver at Joseph's immoral behavior. It is clear that, unlike Charles, Joseph does not feel a sense of loyalty to his family, and that he does not value public honesty. Sheridan also uses Act V to continue satirizing the act of rumor-spreading itself. He does this primarily through the vivid and detailed imagery of the scene in which a group of characters discuss a supposed fight between Sir Peter and Joseph. Though the audience knows that there has been no duel, Crabtree delights the group of gossips as well as the audience with a drawn-out description of what he supposedly has heard to have happened between the men: "A pair of pistols lay on the bureau , so, unluckily, the pistols were left charged... Sir Peter forced Charles to take one, and they fired, it seems, pretty nearly together. Charles's shot took effect, as I tell you, and Sir Peter's missed; but, what is very extraordinary, the ball struck against a little bronze Shakspeare that stood over the fireplace, grazed out of the window at a right angle, and wounded the postman, who was just coming to the door with a double letter from Northamptonshire" . Sheridan purposefully writes this rumor and those like it throughout the play with precise, even exaggerated, detail to show how rumors can get out of hand due to the imagination and egotism of the spreaders. In Act V, Sheridan shows his beliefs about truth by giving the various plot lines of the story happy endings once truth is revealed. In Sir Peter and Lady Teazle's plot line, once Sir Peter finds out that Lady Teazle has had an affair , he decides to forgive her and even seems more hopeful about their marriage. When the truth comes out about the real characters of the Surface brothers, both Charles and Sir Oliver are happy, though Joseph, the greedy hypocrite, is not. Finally, once the truth about Lady Sneerwell's plot is outed by Snake, Maria and Charles are able to love one another in peace. Snake is a character who should not be overlooked in The School for Scandal. Though he appears only in the first and last scenes, it is he who transmits information about the rumors, trusting no one fully and loyal to nobody, and it is he who fully resolves the conflict of the play at the end of Act V. Ironically, Snake both begs forgiveness for his involvement in rumor-spreading, but also asks people not to tell others about his help in resolving the conflict, saying ironically that he lives and keeps his friends "by the badness of  character". The play ends with an epilogue; like prologues, these were quite common devices to call final attention to themes in the play and speak directly to the audience, urging them directly to take these themes and morals to heart. Lady Teazle delivers the epilogue of The School for Scandal, underscoring the importance of her role, especially as an outsider herself who could be seen as tainted by the pressures of London's upper-class societal norms. Though this epilogue, Sheridan urges the audience a final time to see this play not as simple entertainment, but rather as a harsh criticism of any who engage in gossip--both its creation and its transmission.