SCENE III.

--CHARLES, CARELESS, etc., etc.

     At Table with Wine

CHARLES. 'Fore Heaven, 'tis true!--there is the great Degeneracy of the
age--many of our acquaintance have Taste--Spirit, and Politeness--but
plague on't they won't drink----

CARELESS. It is so indeed--Charles--they give into all the substantial
Luxuries of the Table--and abstain from nothing but wine and wit--Oh,
certainly society suffers by it intolerably--for now instead of the
social spirit of Raillery that used to mantle over a glass of bright
Burgundy their conversation is become just like the Spa water they
drink which has all the Pertness and flatulence of champaine without its
spirit or Flavour.

FIRST GENTLEMAN. But what are they to do who love Play better than
wine----

CARELESS. True--there's Harry diets himself--for gaming and is now under
a hazard Regimen.

CHARLES. Then He'll have the worst of it--what you wouldn't train a
horse for the course by keeping him from corn--For my Part egad I am
never so successful as when I'm a little--merry--let me throw on a
Bottle of Champaine and I never lose--at least I never feel my losses
which is exactly the same thing.

SECOND GENTLEMAN. Aye that may be--but it is as impossible to follow
wine and play as to unite Love and Politics.

CHARLES. Pshaw--you may do both--Caesar made Love and Laws in a
Breath--and was liked by the Senate as well as the Ladies--but no man
can pretend to be a Believer in Love, who is an abjurer of wine--'tis
the Test by which a Lover knows his own Heart--fill a dozen Bumpers to a
dozen Beauties, and she that floats atop is the maid that has bewitched
you.

CARELESS. Now then Charles--be honest and give us yours----

CHARLES. Why I have withheld her only in compassion to you--if I toast
her you should give a round of her Peers, which is impossible! on earth!

CARELESS. O, then we'll find some canonized Vestals or heathen Goddesses
that will do I warrant----

CHARLES. Here then--Bumpers--you Rogues--Bumpers! Maria--Maria----

FIRST GENTLEMAN. Maria who?

CHARLES. Oh, damn the Surname 'tis too formal to be register'd in
Love's calendar--but now Careless beware--beware--we must have Beauty's
superlative.

FIRST GENTLEMAN. Nay Never study[,] Careless--we'll stand to the
Toast--tho' your mistress should want an eye--and you know you have a
song will excuse you----

CARELESS. Egad so I have--and I'll give him the song instead of the
Lady.----

     SONG.--AND CHORUS--<4>

     Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen;
        Here's to the widow of fifty;
     Here's to the flaunting extravagant quean,
        And here's to the housewife that's thrifty.
     Chorus.  Let the toast pass,--
                  Drink to the lass,
     I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for a glass.

     Here's to the charmer whose dimples we prize;
        Now to the maid who has none, sir;
     Here's to the girl with a pair of blue eyes,
        And here's to the nymph with but one, sir.
     Chorus.  Let the toast pass, &c.

     Here's to the maid with a bosom of snow:
        Now to her that's as brown as a berry:
     Here's to the wife with a face full of woe,
        And now to the damsel that's merry.
     Chorus.  Let the toast pass, &c.

     For let 'em be clumsy, or let 'em be slim,
        Young or ancient, I care not a feather;
     So fill a pint bumper quite up to the brim,
     So fill up your glasses, nay, fill to the brim,
        And let us e'en toast them together.
     Chorus.  Let the toast pass, &c.

     [Enter TRIP whispers CHARLES]

SECOND GENTLEMAN. Bravo Careless--Ther's Toast and Sentiment too.

FIRST GENTLEMAN. E' faith there's infinite charity in that song.----

CHARLES. Gentlemen, you must excuse me a little.--Careless, take the
Chair, will you?

CARELESS. Nay prithee, Charles--what now--this is one of your Peerless
Beauties I suppose--has dropped in by chance?

CHARLES. No--Faith--to tell you the Truth 'tis a Jew and a Broker who
are come by appointment.

CARELESS. O dam it let's have the Jew in.

FIRST GENTLEMAN. Aye and the Broker too by all means----

SECOND GENTLEMAN. Yes yes the Jew and the Broker.

CHARLES. Egad with all my Heart--Trip--bid the Gentlemen walk in--tho'
there's one of them a Stranger I can tell you----

TRIP. What Sir--would you chuse Mr. Premium to come up with----

FIRST GENTLEMAN. Yes--yes Mr. Premium certainly.

CARELESS. To be sure--Mr. Premium--by all means Charles, let us give
them some generous Burgundy, and perhaps they'll grow conscientious----

CHARLES. O, Hang 'em--no--wine does but draw forth a man's natural
qualities; and to make them drink would only be to whet their Knavery.

     Enter TRIP, SIR OLIVER, and MOSES

CHARLES. So--honest Moses--walk in--walk in pray Mr. Premium--that's the
Gentleman's name isn't it Moses.

MOSES. Yes Sir.

CHARLES. Set chairs--Trim.--Sit down, Mr Premium.--Glasses Trim.--sit
down Moses.--Come, Mr. Premium I'll give you a sentiment--Here's Success
to Usury--Moses fill the Gentleman a bumper.

MOSES. Success to Usury!

CARELESS. Right Moses--Usury is Prudence and industry and deserves to
succeed----

SIR OLIVER. Then Here is--all the success it deserves!     [Drinks.]

CHARLES. Mr. Premium you and I are but strangers yet--but I hope we
shall be better acquainted by and bye----

SIR OLIVER. Yes Sir hope we shall--more intimately perhaps than you'll
wish. [Aside.<5>]

CARELESS. No, no, that won't do! Mr. Premium, you have demurred at the
toast, and must drink it in a pint bumper.

FIRST GENTLEMAN. A pint bumper, at least.

MOSES. Oh, pray, sir, consider--Mr. Premium's a gentleman.

CARELESS. And therefore loves good wine.

SECOND GENTLEMAN. Give Moses a quart glass--this is mutiny, and a high
contempt for the chair.

CARELESS. Here, now for't! I'll see justice done, to the last drop of my
bottle.

SIR OLIVER. Nay, pray, gentlemen--I did not expect this usage.

CHARLES. No, hang it, you shan't; Mr. Premium's a stranger.

SIR OLIVER. Odd! I wish I was well out of their company. [Aside.]

CARELESS. Plague on 'em then! if they won't drink, we'll not sit down
with them. Come, Harry, the dice are in the next room.--Charles, you'll
join us when you have finished your business with the gentlemen?

CHARLES. I will! I will!--

     [Exeunt SIR HARRY BUMPER and GENTLEMEN; CARELESS following.]
Careless.

CARELESS. [Returning.] Well!

CHARLES. Perhaps I may want you.

CARELESS. Oh, you know I am always ready: word, note, or bond, 'tis all
the same to me.

     [Exit.]

MOSES. Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a gentleman of the strictest honour
and secrecy; and always performs what he undertakes. Mr. Premium, this
is----

CHARLES. Psha! have done. Sir, my friend Moses is a very honest fellow,
but a little slow at expression: he'll be an hour giving us our titles.
Mr. Premium, the plain state of the matter is this: I am an extravagant
young fellow who wants to borrow money; you I take to be a prudent old
fellow, who have got money to lend. I am blockhead enough to give fifty
per cent. sooner than not have it! and you, I presume, are rogue enough
to take a hundred if you can get it. Now, sir, you see we are acquainted
at once, and may proceed to business without further ceremony.

SIR OLIVER. Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, you are not a man
of many compliments.

CHARLES. Oh, no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think best.

SIR OLIVER. Sir, I like you the better for it. However, You are mistaken
in one thing; I have no money to lend, but I believe I could procure
some of a friend; but then he's an unconscionable dog. Isn't he, Moses?
And must sell stock to accommodate you. Mustn't he, Moses!

MOSES. Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth, and scorn to tell
a lie!

CHARLES. Right. People that speak truth generally do. But these are
trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be bought without
paying for't!

SIR OLIVER. Well, but what security could you give? You have no land, I
suppose?

CHARLES. Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what's in the bough pots out
of the window!

SIR OLIVER. Nor any stock, I presume?

CHARLES. Nothing but live stock--and that's only a few pointers and
ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all with any of my
connections?

SIR OLIVER. Why, to say the truth, I am.

CHARLES. Then you must know that I have a devilish rich uncle in
the East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from whom I have the greatest
expectations?

SIR OLIVER. That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard; but how your
expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than you can tell.

CHARLES. Oh, no!--there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm a prodigious
favourite, and that he talks of leaving me everything.

SIR OLIVER. Indeed! this is the first I've heard of it.

CHARLES. Yes, yes, 'tis just so. Moses knows 'tis true; don't you,
Moses?

MOSES. Oh, yes! I'll swear to't.

SIR OLIVER. Egad, they'll persuade me presently I'm at Bengal. [Aside.]

CHARLES. Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it's agreeable to you, a
post-obit on Sir Oliver's life: though at the same time the old fellow
has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word, I should be very
sorry to hear that anything had happened to him.

SIR OLIVER. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the bond you
mention happens to be just the worst security you could offer me--for I
might live to a hundred and never see the principal.

CHARLES. Oh, yes, you would! the moment Sir Oliver dies, you know, you
would come on me for the money.

SIR OLIVER. Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun you ever
had in your life.

CHARLES. What! I suppose you're afraid that Sir Oliver is too good a
life?

SIR OLIVER. No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is as hale and
healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.

CHARLES. There again, now, you are misinformed. No, no, the climate has
hurt him considerably, poor uncle Oliver. Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I'm
told--and is so much altered lately that his nearest relations would not
know him.

SIR OLIVER. No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that his nearest
relations would not know him! Ha! ha! ha! egad--ha! ha! ha!

CHARLES. Ha! ha!--you're glad to hear that, little Premium?

SIR OLIVER. No, no, I'm not.

CHARLES. Yes, yes, you are--ha! ha! ha!--you know that mends your
chance.

SIR OLIVER. But I'm told Sir Oliver is coming over; nay, some say he is
actually arrived.

CHARLES. Psha! sure I must know better than you whether he's come or
not. No, no, rely on't he's at this moment at Calcutta. Isn't he, Moses?

MOSES. Oh, yes, certainly.

SIR OLIVER. Very true, as you say, you must know better than I, though I
have it from pretty good authority. Haven't I, Moses?

MOSES. Yes, most undoubted!

SIR OLIVER. But, Sir, as I understand you want a few hundreds
immediately, is there nothing you could dispose of?

CHARLES. How do you mean?

SIR OLIVER. For instance, now, I have heard that your father left behind
him a great quantity of massy old plate.

CHARLES. O Lud! that's gone long ago. Moses can tell you how better than
I can.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Good lack! all the family race-cups and
corporation-bowls!--[Aloud.] Then it was also supposed that his library
was one of the most valuable and compact.

CHARLES. Yes, yes, so it was--vastly too much so for a private
gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicative disposition, so
I thought it a shame to keep so much knowledge to myself.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Mercy upon me! learning that had run in the family
like an heir-loom!--[Aloud.] Pray, what has become of the books?

CHARLES. You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Premium, for I don't
believe even Moses can direct you.

MOSES. I know nothing of books.

SIR OLIVER. So, so, nothing of the family property left, I suppose?

CHARLES. Not much, indeed; unless you have a mind to the family
pictures. I have got a room full of ancestors above: and if you have a
taste for old paintings, egad, you shall have 'em a bargain!

SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the devil! sure, you wouldn't sell your
forefathers, would you?

CHARLES. Every man of them, to the best bidder.

SIR OLIVER. What! your great-uncles and aunts?

CHARLES. Ay, and my great-grandfathers and grandmothers too.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Now I give him up!--[Aloud.] What the plague,
have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odd's life! do you take me for
Shylock in the play, that you would raise money of me on your own flesh
and blood?

CHARLES. Nay, my little broker, don't be angry: what need you care, if
you have your money's worth?

SIR OLIVER. Well, I'll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose of the
family canvas.--[Aside.] Oh, I'll never forgive him this! never!

     Re-enter CARELESS

CARELESS. Come, Charles, what keeps you?

CHARLES. I can't come yet. I'faith, we are going to have a sale above
stairs; here's little Premium will buy all my ancestors!

CARELESS. Oh, burn your ancestors!

CHARLES. No, he may do that afterwards, if he pleases. Stay, Careless,
we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneer--so come along with us.

CARELESS. Oh, have with you, if that's the case. I can handle a hammer
as well as a dice box! Going! going!

SIR OLIVER. Oh, the profligates! [Aside.]

CHARLES. Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want one. Gad's
life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the business?

SIR OLIVER. Oh, yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I think it a
rare joke to sell one's family by auction--ha! ha!--[Aside.] Oh, the
prodigal!

CHARLES. To be sure! when a man wants money, where the plague should he
get assistance, if he can't make free with his own relations?

     [Exeunt.]

SIR OLIVER. I'll never forgive him; never! never!

     END OF THE THIRD ACT

Scene III shows Charles and his friends drinking and talking about some gentlemen's unwillingness to drink alcohol recently. They also talk about love, and Charles brings up Maria. They sing a song about loving all kinds of women. Trip enters and tells Charles about his guests' arrival. Trip goes off and then re-enters with Sir Oliver and Mr. Moses. Charles's friends soon leave out of boredom, going into the next room to play dice. Sir Oliver tells Charles his rehearsed story, and Charles even tells Sir Oliver about his rich uncle who plans to leave him everything. They discuss putting "a post-obit" on Sir Oliver's life, but Sir Oliver advises against this. Sir Oliver asks about various other ways Charles might make money by selling things from the house, but finds that Charles has already sold them. Charles offers to sell the collection of paintings of his family members. Sir Oliver is shocked by this proposal, but he pursues it, asking to see the portraits. Charles's friend Careless is swept up in the scene to play auctioneer in the room where the portraits are kept. They all leave the stage to go look at the portraits, with Sir Oliver vowing to himself that he'll never forgive Charles for this


ACT IV  SCENE I.

--A Picture Room in CHARLES SURFACE'S House

     Enter CHARLES, SIR OLIVER, MOSES, and CARELESS

CHARLES. Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in;--here they are, the family of
the Surfaces, up to the Conquest.

SIR OLIVER. And, in my opinion, a goodly collection.

CHARLES. Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait-painting;
no volontiere grace or expression. Not like the works of your modern
Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance, yet contrive to make
your portrait independent of you; so that you may sink the original
and not hurt the picture. No, no; the merit of these is the inveterate
likeness--all stiff and awkward as the originals, and like nothing in
human nature besides.

SIR OLIVER. Ah! we shall never see such figures of men again.

CHARLES. I hope not. Well, you see, Master Premium, what a domestic
character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded by my family. But
come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer; here's an old gouty chair of
my grandfather's will answer the purpose.

CARELESS. Ay, ay, this will do. But, Charles, I haven't a hammer; and
what's an auctioneer without his hammer?

CHARLES. Egad, that's true. What parchment have we here? Oh, our
genealogy in full. [Taking pedigree down.] Here, Careless, you shall
have no common bit of mahogany, here's the family tree for you,
you rogue! This shall be your hammer, and now you may knock down my
ancestors with their own pedigree.

SIR OLIVER. What an unnatural rogue!--an ex post facto parricide!
[Aside.]

CARELESS. Yes, yes, here's a list of your generation indeed;--faith,
Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could have found for the
business, for 'twill not only serve as a hammer, but a catalogue into
the bargain. Come, begin--A-going, a-going, a-going!

CHARLES. Bravo, Careless! Well, here's my great uncle, Sir Richard
Ravelin, a marvellous good general in his day, I assure you. He served
in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, and got that cut over his eye
at the battle of Malplaquet. What say you, Mr. Premium? look at
him--there's a hero! not cut out of his feathers, as your modern clipped
captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals, as a general should
be. What do you bid?

SIR OLIVER. [Aside to Moses.] Bid him speak.

MOSES. Mr. Premium would have you speak.

CHARLES. Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I'm sure
that's not dear for a staff-officer.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard for ten
pounds!--[Aloud.] Very well, sir, I take him at that.

CHARLES. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard.--Here, now, is a maiden
sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done by Kneller, in his best
manner, and esteemed a very formidable likeness. There she is, you see,
a shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall have her for five pounds
ten--the sheep are worth the money.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value on
herself!--[Aloud.] Five pounds ten--she's mine.

CHARLES. Knock down my aunt Deborah! Here, now, are two that were a sort
of cousins of theirs.--You see, Moses, these pictures were done some
time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and the ladies their own hair.

SIR OLIVER. Yes, truly, head-dresses appear to have been a little lower
in those days.

CHARLES. Well, take that couple for the same.

MOSES. 'Tis a good bargain.

CHARLES. Careless!--This, now, is a grandfather of my mother's, a
learned judge, well known on the western circuit,--What do you rate him
at, Moses?

MOSES. Four guineas.

CHARLES. Four guineas! Gad's life, you don't bid me the price of his
wig.--Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the woolsack; do let us
knock his lordship down at fifteen.

SIR OLIVER. By all means.

CARELESS. Gone!

CHARLES. And there are two brothers of his, William and Walter Blunt,
Esquires, both members of Parliament, and noted speakers; and, what's
very extraordinary, I believe, this is the first time they were ever
bought or sold.

SIR OLIVER. That is very extraordinary, indeed! I'll take them at your
own price, for the honour of Parliament.

CARELESS. Well said, little Premium! I'll knock them down at forty.

CHARLES. Here's a jolly fellow--I don't know what relation, but he was
mayor of Norwich: take him at eight pounds.

SIR OLIVER. No, no; six will do for the mayor.

CHARLES. Come, make it guineas, and I'll throw you the two aldermen here
into the bargain.

SIR OLIVER. They're mine.

CHARLES. Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. But, plague on't!
we shall be all day retailing in this manner; do let us deal wholesale:
what say you, little Premium? Give me three hundred pounds for the rest
of the family in the lump.

CARELESS. Ay, ay, that will be the best way.

SIR OLIVER. Well, well, anything to accommodate you; they are mine. But
there is one portrait which you have always passed over.

CARELESS. What, that ill-looking little fellow over the settee?

SIR OLIVER. Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don't think him so
ill-looking a little fellow, by any means.

CHARLES. What, that? Oh; that's my uncle Oliver! 'Twas done before he
went to India.

CARELESS. Your uncle Oliver! Gad, then you'll never be friends,
Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever I saw; an
unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance! an inveterate
knave, depend on't. Don't you think so, little Premium?

SIR OLIVER. Upon my soul, Sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a
looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I suppose uncle
Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber?

CHARLES. No, hang it! I'll not part with poor Noll. The old fellow has
been very good to me, and, egad, I'll keep his picture while I've a room
to put it in.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] The rogue's my nephew after all!--[Aloud.] But,
sir, I have somehow taken a fancy to that picture.

CHARLES. I'm sorry for't, for you certainly will not have it. Oons,
haven't you got enough of them?

SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] I forgive him everything!--[Aloud.] But, Sir, when
I take a whim in my head, I don't value money. I'll give you as much for
that as for all the rest.

CHARLES. Don't tease me, master broker; I tell you I'll not part with
it, and there's an end of it.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] How like his father the dog is.--[Aloud.] Well,
well, I have done.--[Aside.] I did not perceive it before, but I think
I never saw such a striking resemblance.--[Aloud.] Here is a draught for
your sum.

CHARLES. Why, 'tis for eight hundred pounds!

SIR OLIVER. You will not let Sir Oliver go?

CHARLES. Zounds! no! I tell you, once more.

SIR OLIVER. Then never mind the difference, we'll balance that another
time. But give me your hand on the bargain; you are an honest fellow,
Charles--I beg pardon, sir, for being so free.--Come, Moses.

CHARLES. Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow!--But hark'ee, Premium,
you'll prepare lodgings for these gentlemen.

SIR OLIVER. Yes, yes, I'll send for them in a day or two.

CHARLES. But, hold; do now send a genteel conveyance for them, for, I
assure you, they were most of them used to ride in their own carriages.

SIR OLIVER. I will, I will--for all but Oliver.

CHARLES. Ay, all but the little nabob.

SIR OLIVER. You're fixed on that?

CHARLES. Peremptorily.

SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] A dear extravagant rogue!--[Aloud.] Good day! Come,
Moses.--[Aside.] Let me hear now who dares call him profligate!

     [Exit with MOSES.]

CARELESS. Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever met with!

CHARLES. Egad, he's the prince of brokers, I think. I wonder how
the devil Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow.--Ha! here's
Rowley.--Do, Careless, say I'll join the company in a few moments.

CARELESS. I will--but don't let that old blockhead persuade you to
squander any of that money on old musty debts, or any such nonsense; for
tradesmen, Charles, are the most exorbitant fellows.

CHARLES. Very true, and paying them is only encouraging them.

CARELESS. Nothing else.

CHARLES. Ay, ay, never fear.--

     [Exit CARELESS.]
So! this was an odd old fellow, indeed. Let me see, two-thirds of these
five hundred and thirty odd pounds are mine by right. Fore Heaven!
I find one's ancestors are more valuable relations than I took them
for!--Ladies and gentlemen, your most obedient and very grateful
servant.     [Bows ceremoniously to the pictures.]

     Enter ROWLEY

Ha! old Rowley! egad, you are just come in time to take leave of your
old acquaintance.

ROWLEY. Yes, I heard they were a-going. But I wonder you can have such
spirits under so many distresses.

CHARLES. Why, there's the point! my distresses are so many, that I can't
affort to part with my spirits; but I shall be rich and splenetic, all
in good time. However, I suppose you are surprised that I am not more
sorrowful at parting with so many near relations; to be sure, 'tis very
affecting; but you see they never move a muscle, so why should I?

ROWLEY. There's no making you serious a moment.

CHARLES. Yes, faith, I am so now. Here, my honest Rowley, here, get me
this changed directly, and take a hundred pounds of it immediately to
old Stanley.

ROWLEY. A hundred pounds! Consider only----

CHARLES. Gad's life, don't talk about it! poor Stanley's wants are
pressing, and, if you don't make haste, we shall have some one call that
has a better right to the money.

ROWLEY. Ah! there's the point! I never will cease dunning you with the
old proverb----

CHARLES. BE JUST BEFORE YOU'RE GENEROUS.--Why, so I would if I could;
but Justice is an old hobbling beldame, and I can't get her to keep pace
with Generosity, for the soul of me.

ROWLEY. Yet, Charles, believe me, one hour's reflection----

CHARLES. Ay, ay, it's very true; but, hark'ee, Rowley, while I have, by
Heaven I'll give; so, damn your economy! and now for hazard.

     [Exeunt.]

SCENE II.

--The Parlour

     Enter SIR OLIVER and MOSES

MOSES. Well sir, I think as Sir Peter said you have seen Mr. Charles in
high Glory--'tis great Pity He's so extravagant.

SIR OLIVER. True--but he would not sell my Picture--

MOSES. And loves wine and women so much--

SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn't sell my Picture.

MOSES. And game so deep--

SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn't sell my Picture. O--here's Rowley!

     Enter ROWLEY

ROWLEY. So--Sir Oliver--I find you have made a Purchase----

SIR OLIVER. Yes--yes--our young Rake has parted with his Ancestors like
old Tapestry--sold Judges and Generals by the foot--and maiden Aunts as
cheap as broken China.--

ROWLEY. And here has he commissioned me to re-deliver you Part of
the purchase-money--I mean tho' in your necessitous character of old
Stanley----

MOSES. Ah! there is the Pity of all! He is so damned charitable.

ROWLEY. And I left a Hosier and two Tailors in the Hall--who I'm sure
won't be paid, and this hundred would satisfy 'em.

SIR OLIVER. Well--well--I'll pay his debts and his Benevolences
too--I'll take care of old Stanley--myself--But now I am no more
a Broker, and you shall introduce me to the elder Brother as Stanley----

ROWLEY. Not yet a while--Sir Peter I know means to call there about this
time.

     Enter TRIP

TRIP. O Gentlemen--I beg Pardon for not showing you out--this
way--Moses, a word.

     [Exit TRIP with MOSES.]

SIR OLIVER. There's a Fellow for you--Would you believe it that Puppy
intercepted the Jew, on our coming, and wanted to raise money before he
got to his master!

ROWLEY. Indeed!

SIR OLIVER. Yes--they are now planning an annuity Business--Ah Master
Rowley[,] in my Day Servants were content with the Follies of their
Masters when they were worn a little Thread Bare but now they have their
Vices like their Birth Day cloaths with the gloss on.

     [Exeunt.]

SCENE III.

--A Library

     SURFACE and SERVANT

SURFACE. No letter from Lady Teazle?

SERVANT. No Sir--

SURFACE. I am surprised she hasn't sent if she is prevented from
coming--! Sir Peter certainly does not suspect me--yet I wish I may
not lose the Heiress, thro' the scrape I have drawn myself in with the
wife--However, Charles's imprudence and bad character are great Points
in my Favour.

SERVANT. Sir--I believe that must be Lady Teazle--

SURFACE. Hold[!] see--whether it is or not before you go to the Door--I
have a particular Message for you if it should be my Brother.

SERVANT. 'Tis her ladyship Sir--She always leaves her Chair at the
milliner's in the next Street.

SURFACE. Stay--stay--draw that Screen before the Window--that will
do--my opposite Neighbour is a maiden Lady of so curious a temper!--

     [SERVANT draws the screen and exit.]

I have a difficult Hand to play in this Affair--Lady Teazle as lately
suspected my Views on Maria--but She must by no means be let into that
secret, at least till I have her more in my Power.

     Enter LADY TEAZLE

LADY TEAZLE. What[!] Sentiment in soliloquy--have you been very
impatient now?--O Lud! don't pretend to look grave--I vow I couldn't
come before----

SURFACE. O Madam[,] Punctuality is a species of Constancy, a very
unfashionable quality in a Lady.

LADY TEAZLE. Upon my word you ought to pity me, do you now Sir Peter
is grown so ill-tempered to me of Late! and so jealous! of Charles too
that's the best of the story isn't it?

SURFACE. I am glad my scandalous Friends keep that up. [Aside.]

LADY TEAZLE. I am sure I wish He would let Maria marry him--and then
perhaps He would be convinced--don't you--Mr. Surface?

SURFACE. Indeed I do not.--[Aside.] O certainly I do--for then my dear
Lady Teazle would also be convinced how wrong her suspicions were of my
having any design on the silly Girl----

LADY TEAZLE. Well--well I'm inclined to believe you--besides I really
never could perceive why she should have so any admirers.

SURFACE. O for her Fortune--nothing else--

LADY TEAZLE. I believe so for tho' she is certainly very pretty--yet she
has no conversation in the world--and is so grave and reserved--that I
declare I think she'd have made an excellent wife for Sir Peter.--

SURFACE. So she would.

LADY TEAZLE. Then--one never hears her speak ill of anybody--which you
know is mighty dull--

SURFACE. Yet she doesn't want understanding--

LADY TEAZLE. No more she does--yet one is always disapointed when
one hears [her] speak--For though her Eyes have no kind of meaning in
them--she very seldom talks Nonsense.

SURFACE. Nay--nay surely--she has very fine eyes--

LADY TEAZLE. Why so she has--tho' sometimes one fancies there's a little
sort of a squint--

SURFACE. A squint--O fie--Lady Teazle.

LADY TEAZLE. Yes yes--I vow now--come there is a left-handed Cupid in
one eye--that's the Truth on't.

SURFACE. Well--his aim is very direct however--but Lady Sneerwell has
quite corrupted you.

LADY TEAZLE. No indeed--I have not opinion enough of her to be taught
by her, and I know that she has lately rais'd many scandalous hints of
me--which you know one always hears from one common Friend, or other.

SURFACE. Why to say truth I believe you are not more obliged to her than
others of her acquaintance.

LADY TEAZLE. But isn't [it] provoking to hear the most ill-natured
Things said to one and there's my friend Lady Sneerwell has circulated
I don't know how many scandalous tales of me, and all without any
foundation, too; that's what vexes me.

SURFACE. Aye Madam to be sure that is the Provoking
circumstance--without Foundation--yes yes--there's the mortification
indeed--for when a slanderous story is believed against one--there
certainly is no comfort like the consciousness of having deserved it----

LADY TEAZLE. No to be sure--then I'd forgive their malice--but to attack
me, who am really so innocent--and who never say an ill-natured thing of
anybody--that is, of any Friend--! and then Sir Peter too--to have
him so peevish--and so suspicious--when I know the integrity of my own
Heart--indeed 'tis monstrous.

SURFACE. But my dear Lady Teazle 'tis your own fault if you suffer
it--when a Husband entertains a groundless suspicion of his Wife and
withdraws his confidence from her--the original compact is broke and she
owes it to the Honour of her sex to endeavour to outwit him--

LADY TEAZLE. Indeed--So that if He suspects me without cause it follows
that the best way of curing his jealousy is to give him reason for't--

SURFACE. Undoubtedly--for your Husband [should] never be deceived in
you--and in that case it becomes you to be frail in compliment to his
discernment--

LADY TEAZLE. To be sure what you say is very reasonable--and when the
consciousness of my own Innocence----

SURFACE. Ah: my dear--Madam there is the great mistake--'tis this very
conscious Innocence that is of the greatest Prejudice to you--what is
it makes you negligent of Forms and careless of the world's opinion--why
the consciousness of your Innocence--what makes you thoughtless in
your Conduct and apt to run into a thousand little imprudences--why the
consciousness of your Innocence--what makes you impatient of Sir Peter's
temper, and outrageous at his suspicions--why the consciousness of your
own Innocence--

LADY TEAZLE. 'Tis very true.

SURFACE. Now my dear Lady Teazle if you but once make a trifling Faux
Pas you can't conceive how cautious you would grow, and how ready to
humour and agree with your Husband.

LADY TEAZLE. Do you think so--

SURFACE. O I'm sure on't; and then you'd find all scandal would cease
at once--for in short your Character at Present is like a Person in a
Plethora, absolutely dying of too much Health--

LADY TEAZLE. So--so--then I perceive your Prescription is that I
must sin in my own Defence--and part with my virtue to preserve my
Reputation.--

SURFACE. Exactly so upon my credit Ma'am[.]

LADY TEAZLE. Well certainly this is the oddest Doctrine--and the newest
Receipt for avoiding calumny.

SURFACE. An infallible one believe me--Prudence like experience must be
paid for--

LADY TEAZLE. Why if my understanding were once convinced----

SURFACE. Oh, certainly Madam, your understanding SHOULD be
convinced--yes--yes--Heaven forbid I should persuade you to do anything
you THOUGHT wrong--no--no--I have too much honor to desire it--

LADY TEAZLE. Don't--you think we may as well leave Honor out of the
Argument? [Rises.]

SURFACE. Ah--the ill effects of your country education I see still
remain with you.

LADY TEAZLE. I doubt they do indeed--and I will fairly own to you,
that If I could be persuaded to do wrong it would be by Sir Peter's
ill-usage--sooner than your honourable Logic, after all.

SURFACE. Then by this Hand, which He is unworthy of----

     Enter SERVANT

Sdeath, you Blockhead--what do you want?

SERVANT. I beg your Pardon Sir, but I thought you wouldn't chuse Sir
Peter to come up without announcing him?

SURFACE. Sir Peter--Oons--the Devil!

LADY TEAZLE. Sir Peter! O Lud! I'm ruined! I'm ruin'd!

SERVANT. Sir, 'twasn't I let him in.

LADY TEAZLE. O I'm undone--what will become of me now Mr. Logick.--Oh!
mercy, He's on the Stairs--I'll get behind here--and if ever I'm so
imprudent again----

     [Goes behind the screen--]

SURFACE. Give me that--Book!----

     [Sits down--SERVANT pretends to adjust his Hair--]

     Enter SIR PETER

SIR PETER. Aye--ever improving himself!--Mr. Surface--

SURFACE. Oh! my dear Sir Peter--I beg your Pardon--[Gaping and throws
away the Book.] I have been dosing [dozing] over a stupid Book! well--I
am much obliged to you for this Call--You haven't been here I believe
since I fitted up this Room--Books you know are the only Things I am a
Coxcomb in--

SIR PETER. 'Tis very neat indeed--well well that's proper--and you make
even your Screen a source of knowledge--hung I perceive with Maps--

SURFACE. O yes--I find great use in that Screen.

SIR PETER. I dare say you must--certainly--when you want to find out
anything in a Hurry.

SURFACE. Aye or to hide anything in a Hurry either--

SIR PETER. Well I have a little private Business--if we were alone--

SURFACE. You needn't stay.

SERVANT. No--Sir----

     [Exit SERVANT.]

SURFACE. Here's a Chair--Sir Peter--I beg----

SIR PETER. Well--now we are alone--there IS a subject--my dear
Friend--on which I wish to unburthen my Mind to you--a Point of the
greatest moment to my Peace--in short, my good Friend--Lady Teazle's
conduct of late has made me very unhappy.

SURFACE. Indeed I'm very sorry to hear it--

SIR PETER. Yes 'tis but too plain she has not the least regard for
me--but what's worse, I have pretty good Authority to suspect that she
must have formed an attachment to another.

SURFACE. Indeed! you astonish me.

SIR PETER. Yes--and between ourselves--I think I have discover'd the
Person.

SURFACE. How--you alarm me exceedingly!

SIR PETER. Ah: my dear Friend I knew you would sympathize with me.--

SURFACE. Yes--believe me Sir Peter--such a discovery would hurt me just
as much as it would you--

SIR PETER. I am convinced of it--ah--it is a happiness to have a Friend
whom one can trust even with one's Family secrets--but have you no guess
who I mean?

SURFACE. I haven't the most distant Idea--it can't be Sir Benjamin
Backbite.

SIR PETER. O--No. What say you to Charles?

SURFACE. My Brother--impossible!--O no Sir Peter you mustn't credit the
scandalous insinuations you hear--no no--Charles to be sure has been
charged with many things but go I can never think He would meditate so
gross an injury--

SIR PETER. Ah! my dear Friend--the goodness of your own Heart misleads
you--you judge of others by yourself.

SURFACE. Certainly Sir Peter--the Heart that is conscious of its own
integrity is ever slowest to credit another's Treachery.--

SIR PETER. True--but your Brother has no sentiment[--]you never hear him
talk so.--

SURFACE. Well there certainly is no knowing what men are capable
of--no--there is no knowing--yet I can't but think Lady Teazle herself
has too much Principle----

SIR PETER. Aye but what's Principle against the Flattery of a
handsome--lively young Fellow--

SURFACE. That's very true--

SIR PETER. And then you know the difference of our ages makes it very
improbable that she should have any great affection for me--and if she
were to be frail and I were to make it Public--why the Town would only
laugh at the foolish old Batchelor, who had married a girl----

SURFACE. That's true--to be sure People would laugh.

SIR PETER. Laugh--aye and make Ballads--and Paragraphs and the Devil
knows what of me--

SURFACE. No--you must never make it public--

SIR PETER. But then again that the Nephew of my old Friend, Sir
Oliver[,] should be the Person to attempt such an injury--hurts me more
nearly--

SURFACE. Undoubtedly--when Ingratitude barbs the Dart of Injury--the
wound has double danger in it--

SIR PETER. Aye--I that was in a manner left his Guardian--in his House
he had been so often entertain'd--who never in my Life denied him my
advice--

SURFACE. O 'tis not to be credited--There may be a man capable of such
Baseness, to be sure--but for my Part till you can give me positive
Proofs you must excuse me withholding my Belief. However, if this should
be proved on him He is no longer a brother of mine I disclaim kindred
with him--for the man who can break thro' the Laws of Hospitality--and
attempt the wife of his Friend deserves to be branded as the Pest of
Society.

SIR PETER. What a difference there is between you--what noble
sentiments!--

SURFACE. But I cannot suspect Lady Teazle's honor.

SIR PETER. I'm sure I wish to think well of her--and to remove all
ground of Quarrel between us--She has lately reproach'd me more than
once with having made no settlement on her--and, in our last Quarrel,
she almost hinted that she should not break her Heart if I was
dead.--now as we seem to differ in our Ideas of Expense I have resolved
she shall be her own Mistress in that Respect for the future--and if
I were to die--she shall find that I have not been inattentive to her
Interests while living--Here my Friend are the Draughts of two Deeds
which I wish to have your opinion on--by one she will enjoy eight
hundred a year independent while I live--and by the other the bulk of my
Fortune after my Death.

SURFACE. This conduct Sir Peter is indeed truly Generous! I wish it may
not corrupt my pupil.--[Aside.]

SIR PETER. Yes I am determined she shall have no cause to complain--tho'
I would not have her acquainted with the latter instance of my affection
yet awhile.

SURFACE. Nor I--if I could help it.

SIR PETER. And now my dear Friend if you please we will talk over the
situation of your Hopes with Maria.

SURFACE. No--no--Sir Peter--another Time if you Please--[softly].

SIR PETER. I am sensibly chagrined at the little Progress you seem to
make in her affection.

SURFACE. I beg you will not mention it--What are my Disappointments when
your Happiness is in Debate [softly]. 'Sdeath I shall be ruined every
way.

SIR PETER. And tho' you are so averse to my acquainting Lady Teazle with
YOUR passion, I am sure she's not your Enemy in the Affair.

SURFACE. Pray Sir Peter, now oblige me.--I am really too much affected
by the subject we have been speaking of to bestow a thought on my own
concerns--The Man who is entrusted with his Friend's Distresses can
never----

     Enter SERVANT

Well, Sir?

SERVANT. Your Brother Sir, is--speaking to a Gentleman in the Street,
and says He knows you're within.

SURFACE. 'Sdeath, Blockhead--I'm NOT within--I'm out for the Day.

SIR PETER. Stay--hold--a thought has struck me--you shall be at home.

SURFACE. Well--well--let him up.--

     [Exit SERVANT.]

He'll interrupt Sir Peter, however. [Aside.]

SIR PETER. Now, my good Friend--oblige me I Intreat you--before Charles
comes--let me conceal myself somewhere--Then do you tax him on the Point
we have been talking on--and his answers may satisfy me at once.--

SURFACE. O Fie--Sir Peter--would you have ME join in so mean a Trick? to
trepan my Brother too?

SIR PETER. Nay you tell me you are SURE He is innocent--if so you do
him the greatest service in giving him an opportunity to clear
himself--and--you will set my Heart at rest--come you shall not refuse
me--here behind this Screen will be--hey! what the Devil--there seems to
be one listener here already--I'll swear I saw a Petticoat.--

SURFACE. Ha! ha! ha! Well this is ridiculous enough--I'll tell you,
Sir Peter--tho' I hold a man of Intrigue to be a most despicable
Character--yet you know it doesn't follow that a man is to be an
absolute Joseph either--hark'ee--'tis a little French Milliner--a silly
Rogue that plagues me--and having some character, on your coming she ran
behind the Screen.--

SIR PETER. Ah a Rogue--but 'egad she has overheard all I have been
saying of my Wife.

SURFACE. O 'twill never go any farther, you may depend on't.

SIR PETER. No!--then efaith let her hear it out.--Here's a Closet will
do as well.--

SURFACE. Well, go in there.--

SIR PETER. Sly rogue--sly Rogue.--

SURFACE. Gad's my Life what an Escape--! and a curious situation I'm
in!--to part man and wife in this manner.--

LADY TEAZLE. [peeps out.] Couldn't I steal off--

SURFACE. Keep close, my Angel!

SIR PETER. [Peeping out.] Joseph--tax him home.

SURFACE. Back--my dear Friend

LADY TEAZLE. [Peeping out.] Couldn't you lock Sir Peter in?--

SURFACE. Be still--my Life!

SIR PETER. [Peeping.] You're sure the little Milliner won't blab?

SURFACE. In! in! my good Sir Peter--'Fore Gad, I wish I had a key to the
Door.

     Enter CHARLES

CHARLES. Hollo! Brother--what has been the matter? your Fellow wouldn't
let me up at first--What[?] have you had a Jew or a wench with you.--

SURFACE. Neither Brother I assure you.

CHARLES. But--what has made Sir Peter steal off--I thought He had been
with you--

SURFACE. He WAS Brother--but hearing you were coming He didn't chuse to
stay--

CHARLES. What[!] was the old Gentleman afraid I wanted to borrow money
of him?

SURFACE. No Sir--but I am sorry to find[,] Charles--you have lately
given that worthy man grounds for great Uneasiness.

CHARLES. Yes they tell me I do that to a great many worthy men--but how
so Pray?

SURFACE. To be plain with you Brother He thinks you are endeavouring to
gain Lady Teazle's Affections from him.

CHARLES. Who I--O Lud! not I upon my word.--Ha! ha! ha! so the old
Fellow has found out that He has got a young wife has He? or what's
worse she has discover'd that she has an old Husband?

SURFACE. This is no subject to jest on Brother--He who can laugh----

CHARLES. True true as you were going to say--then seriously I never had
the least idea of what you charge me with, upon my honour.

SURFACE. Well it will give Sir Peter great satisfaction to hear this.

CHARLES. [Aloud.] To be sure, I once thought the lady seemed to
have taken a fancy--but upon my soul I never gave her the least
encouragement.--Beside you know my Attachment to Maria--

SURFACE. But sure Brother even if Lady Teazle had betray'd the fondest
Partiality for you----

CHARLES. Why--look'ee Joseph--I hope I shall never deliberately do
a dishonourable Action--but if a pretty woman was purposely to throw
herself in my way--and that pretty woman married to a man old enough to
be her Father----

SURFACE. Well?

CHARLES. Why I believe I should be obliged to borrow a little of your
Morality, that's all.--but, Brother do you know now that you surprize me
exceedingly by naming me with Lady Teazle--for faith I always understood
YOU were her Favourite--

SURFACE. O for shame--Charles--This retort is Foolish.

CHARLES. Nay I swear I have seen you exchange such significant
Glances----

SURFACE. Nay--nay--Sir--this is no jest--

CHARLES. Egad--I'm serious--Don't you remember--one Day, when I called
here----

SURFACE. Nay--prithee--Charles

CHARLES. And found you together----

SURFACE. Zounds, Sir--I insist----

CHARLES. And another time when your Servant----

SURFACE. Brother--brother a word with you--Gad I must stop him--[Aside.]

CHARLES. Informed--me that----

SURFACE. Hush!--I beg your Pardon but Sir Peter has overheard all we
have been saying--I knew you would clear yourself, or I shouldn't have
consented--

CHARLES. How Sir Peter--Where is He--

SURFACE. Softly, there! [Points to the closet.]

CHARLES. [In the Closet!] O 'fore Heaven I'll have him out--Sir Peter
come forth!

SURFACE. No--no----

CHARLES. I say Sir Peter--come into court.--

     [Pulls in SIR PETER.]

What--my old Guardian--what[!] turn inquisitor and take evidence
incog.--

SIR PETER. Give me your hand--Charles--I believe I have suspected you
wrongfully; but you mustn't be angry with Joseph--'twas my Plan--

CHARLES. Indeed!--

SIR PETER. But I acquit you--I promise you I don't think near so ill of
you as I did--what I have heard has given me great satisfaction.

CHARLES. Egad then 'twas lucky you didn't hear any more. Wasn't it
Joseph?

SIR PETER. Ah! you would have retorted on him.

CHARLES. Aye--aye--that was a Joke.

SIR PETER. Yes, yes, I know his honor too well.

CHARLES. Yet you might as well have suspected him as me in this matter,
for all that--mightn't He, Joseph?

SIR PETER. Well well I believe you--

SURFACE. Would they were both out of the Room!

     Enter SERVANT, whispers SURFACE

SIR PETER. And in future perhaps we may not be such Strangers.

SURFACE. Gentlemen--I beg Pardon--I must wait on you downstairs--Here is
a Person come on particular Business----

CHARLES. Well you can see him in another Room--Sir Peter and I haven't
met a long time and I have something to say [to] him.

SURFACE. They must not be left together.--I'll send this man away and
return directly--

     [SURFACE goes out.]

SIR PETER. Ah--Charles if you associated more with your Brother, one
might indeed hope for your reformation--He is a man of Sentiment--Well!
there is nothing in the world so noble as a man of Sentiment!

CHARLES. Pshaw! He is too moral by half--and so apprehensive of his good
Name, as he calls it, that I suppose He would as soon let a Priest in
his House as a Girl--

SIR PETER. No--no--come come,--you wrong him. No, no, Joseph is no Rake
but he is no such Saint in that respect either. I have a great mind to
tell him--we should have such a Laugh!

CHARLES. Oh, hang him? He's a very Anchorite--a young Hermit!

SIR PETER. Harkee--you must not abuse him, he may chance to hear of it
again I promise you.

CHARLES. Why you won't tell him?

SIR PETER. No--but--this way. Egad, I'll tell him--Harkee, have you a
mind to have a good laugh against Joseph?

CHARLES. I should like it of all things--

SIR PETER. Then, E'faith, we will--I'll be quit with him for discovering
me.--He had a girl with him when I called. [Whispers.]

CHARLES. What[!] Joseph[!] you jest--

SIR PETER. Hush!--a little French Milliner--and the best of the jest
is--she's in the room now.

CHARLES. The devil she is--

SIR PETER. Hush! I tell you. [Points.]

CHARLES. Behind the screen! Odds Life, let's unveil her!

SIR PETER. No--no! He's coming--you shan't indeed!

CHARLES. Oh, egad, we'll have a peep at the little milliner!

SIR PETER. Not for the world--Joseph will never forgive me.

CHARLES. I'll stand by you----

SIR PETER. Odds Life! Here He's coming--

     [SURFACE enters just as CHARLES throws down the Screen.]

     Re-enter JOSEPH SURFACE

CHARLES. Lady Teazle! by all that's wonderful!

SIR PETER. Lady Teazle! by all that's Horrible!

CHARLES. Sir Peter--This is one of the smartest French Milliners I ever
saw!--Egad, you seem all to have been diverting yourselves here at Hide
and Seek--and I don't see who is out of the Secret!--Shall I beg your
Ladyship to inform me!--Not a word!--Brother!--will you please to
explain this matter? What! is Honesty Dumb too?--Sir Peter, though I
found you in the Dark--perhaps you are not so now--all mute! Well tho'
I can make nothing of the Affair, I make no doubt but you perfectly
understand one another--so I'll leave you to yourselves.--[Going.]
Brother I'm sorry to find you have given that worthy man grounds for so
much uneasiness!--Sir Peter--there's nothing in the world so noble as a
man of Sentiment!--

     [Stand for some time looking at one another.  Exit CHARLES.]

SURFACE. Sir Peter--notwithstanding I confess that appearances are
against me. If you will afford me your Patience I make no doubt but I
shall explain everything to your satisfaction.--

SIR PETER. If you please--Sir--

SURFACE. The Fact is Sir--that Lady Teazle knowing my Pretensions
to your ward Maria--I say Sir Lady Teazle--being apprehensive of the
Jealousy of your Temper--and knowing my Friendship to the Family. S
he Sir--I say call'd here--in order that I might explain those
Pretensions--but on your coming being apprehensive--as I said of your
Jealousy--she withdrew--and this, you may depend on't is the whole truth
of the Matter.

SIR PETER. A very clear account upon the [my] word and I dare swear the
Lady will vouch for every article of it.

LADY TEAZLE. For not one word of it Sir Peter--

SIR PETER. How[!] don't you think it worthwhile to agree in the lie.

LADY TEAZLE. There is not one Syllable of Truth in what that Gentleman
has told you.

SIR PETER. I believe you upon my soul Ma'am--

SURFACE. 'Sdeath, madam, will you betray me! [Aside.]

LADY TEAZLE. Good Mr. Hypocrite by your leave I will speak for myself--

SIR PETER. Aye let her alone Sir--you'll find she'll make out a better
story than you without Prompting.

LADY TEAZLE. Hear me Sir Peter--I came hither on no matter relating to
your ward and even ignorant of this Gentleman's pretensions to her--but
I came--seduced by his insidious arguments--and pretended Passion[--]at
least to listen to his dishonourable Love if not to sacrifice your
Honour to his Baseness.

SIR PETER. Now, I believe, the Truth is coming indeed[.]

SURFACE. The Woman's mad--

LADY TEAZLE. No Sir--she has recovered her Senses. Your own Arts have
furnished her with the means. Sir Peter--I do not expect you to credit
me--but the Tenderness you express'd for me, when I am sure you could
not think I was a witness to it, has penetrated so to my Heart that had
I left the Place without the Shame of this discovery--my future
life should have spoken the sincerity of my Gratitude--as for that
smooth-tongued Hypocrite--who would have seduced the wife of his too
credulous Friend while he pretended honourable addresses to his ward--I
behold him now in a light so truly despicable that I shall never again
Respect myself for having Listened to him.

     [Exit.]

SURFACE. Notwithstanding all this Sir Peter--Heaven knows----

SIR PETER. That you are a Villain!--and so I leave you to your
conscience--

SURFACE. You are too Rash Sir Peter--you SHALL hear me--The man who
shuts out conviction by refusing to----

     [Exeunt, SURFACE following and speaking.]

     END OF THE FOURTH

Charles sells every painting of his ancestors except for a portrait of Sir Oliver. When "Mr. Premium" offers to pay a large sum of money for it, Charles still refuses to sell it. After the deal is done, Charles sends a sum of money for the relief of Mr. Stanley, despite's Rowley's objections. Sir Oliver thinks about Charles' behavior when Rowley comes with the money Charles sent for Mr. Stanley. After this, Sir Oliver decides to go and visit Joseph as Mr. Stanley to see how he will behave. Meanwhile, Lady Teazle is paying a visit to Joseph. A servant announces that Sir Peter has also come to call on Joseph, and Lady Teazle hides behind a screen. Sir Peter tells Joseph about the rumored relationship between his wife and Charles and also urges Joseph to marry Maria--much to Joseph's displeasure, since he had just been trying to convince Lady Teazle to cheat on her husband with him. Charles is announced, and Sir Peter decides to hide as well behind the screen. Sir Peter sees a woman behind the screen, but Joseph convinces him that it is just some random woman--a French milliner. Sir Peter hides in a closet instead. Charles enters; and he and Joseph start talking about Lady Teazle, and how Charles thinks that Joseph and her are in a relationship. Joseph tries to get him off the subject, but Charles does not understand, so Joseph tells him quietly that Sir Peter is hiding in the room. Charles immediately lets Sir Peter come out, and Sir Peter apologizes for believing that there is something between his wife and him. Lady Sneerwell is announced, and Joseph leaves to stop her from entering the room. Thinking it will be a good joke to reveal a woman hiding in the room to Joseph's own brother, Sir Peter pulls down the screen to finds that his wife behind it. She confesses that she came to Joseph with the intention of having an affair with him, but that after she found that Sir Peter wanted to let her have a large sum of money, she decided against it. Lady Teazle leaves and Joseph tries to explain to Sir Peter why she was in the room. Sir Peter refuses to listen to him and they leave stage together arguing.

Dramatic irony appears in two major scenes of this act. First, Sir Oliver completes his second nephew-visit in disguise. This visit, spread across multiple scenes, is quite dynamic; Sir Oliver ends Act III promising to himself and the audience that he will never forgive his nephew for selling the family's portraits, but by the end of Act IV he has completely forgiven Charles, since the young man refused to sell the portrait of Sir Oliver for any price. He has even come to see Charles as perhaps more moral than his brother, since Charles sends money after his relative Mr. Stanley as soon as he has some to give. The scenes between Charles and Sir Oliver in disguise as Mr. Premium are full of dramatic irony and humor because Sir Oliver does not do a particularly good job of acting the part nor hiding his emotional reactions, and yet Charles seems to be none the wiser, even when talking directly about Sir Oliver. The second case of dramatic irony in this act comes from the series of people hiding in Joseph's rooms and then being revealed. The rising action and building of suspense in the scene directly follows the number of people, all tied together in a dense knot of love triangles and rumors. The climax, ironically, comes precisely from Sir Peter trying to make fun of his friend publicly: in attempting to do so by pulling down the screen that he believes is hiding a simple woman from the town, he actually publicly humiliates himself. It is important to note the symbolism of the portraits in Charles's Surface's house, as well as the symbolism of the various other items he has sold. Since social class was so tied to wealth and lineage, Charles was not only disrespecting his family's memory by selling their goods, but also upsetting the usual respect for social class. While the portraits of the family are clear representations of the family members themselves, having a portrait made is also something only the wealthiest people and families would be able to do, and that these portraits go back for many generations shows the strong lineage of the Surface family. This can also be seen in Sir Oliver's shock at Charles selling the books from the family library: since education, especially higher education, was reserved for wealthy males at the time, selling the library can be seen as not upholding this archaic system of keeping knowledge in the upper class. Similarly to Act III, repetition is used in Act IV in a conversation between Sir Oliver and Mr. Moses. However, instead repeating the words of Mr. Moses for comedic effect as Sir Oliver took on the role of a money-lender, the repetition in Act IV shows Sir Oliver attempting to make up his mind about Charles. Sir Oliver repeats the exact same line three times: "But he would not sell my picture" . In the end, the audience finds that Sir Oliver does see this as a good enough showing of love and loyalty to make the boy his heir. This could be seen as a commentary on the public weighing of peoples' morality: rather than putting all of their actions on a scale, perhaps great loyalty to one person or value makes them moral, at least in the eyes of those who value that same thing. While Sir Oliver seems to believe Charles moral and worthy of his inheritance because of his loyalty, the audience may also feel that Charles Surface is a refreshing presence for his unwillingness to play social games, especially those of disguise and deceit. This can be seen in his action of pulling Sir Peter out of hiding as soon as he finds out the situation. This type of quick, almost abrasive honesty has perhaps only been seen so far in Act I Scene I when Lady Sneerwell laid out her intentions for Snake, but even that was a more private situation than this public act of openness.