ACT III. SCENE I.

OLIVIA'S garden.

[Enter VIOLA, and CLOWN with a tabor.]

VIOLA.
Save thee, friend, and thy music. Dost thou live by thy tabor?

CLOWN.
No, sir, I live by the church.

VIOLA.
Art thou a churchman?

CLOWN.
No such matter, sir: I do live by the church; for I do live
at my house, and my house doth stand by the church.

VIOLA.
So thou mayst say the king lies by a beggar, if a beggar
dwell near him; or the church stands by thy tabor, if thy tabor
stand by the church.

CLOWN.
You have said, sir.--To see this age!--A sentence is but a
cheveril glove to a good wit. How quickly the wrong side may be
turned outward!

VIOLA.
Nay, that's certain; they that dally nicely with words may
quickly make them wanton.

CLOWN.
I would, therefore, my sister had had no name, sir.

VIOLA.
Why, man?

CLOWN.
Why, sir, her name's a word; and to dally with that word
might make my sister wanton. But indeed words are very rascals,
since bonds disgraced them.

VIOLA.
Thy reason, man?

CLOWN.
Troth, sir, I can yield you none without words; and words
are grown so false I am loath to prove reason with them.

VIOLA.
I warrant, thou art a merry fellow, and carest for nothing.

CLOWN.
Not so, sir, I do care for something: but in my conscience,
sir, I do not care for you; if that be to care for nothing, sir,
I would it would make you invisible.

VIOLA.
Art not thou the Lady Olivia's fool?

CLOWN.
No, indeed, sir; the Lady Olivia has no folly: she will keep
no fool, sir, till she be married; and fools are as like husbands
as pilchards are to herrings, the husband's the bigger; I am,
indeed, not her fool, but her corrupter of words.

VIOLA.
I saw thee late at the Count Orsino's.

CLOWN.
Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun; it
shines everywhere. I would be sorry, sir, but the fool should be
as oft with your master as with my mistress: I think I saw your
wisdom there.

VIOLA.
Nay, an thou pass upon me, I'll no more with thee.
Hold, there's expenses for thee.

CLOWN.
Now Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send thee a beard!

VIOLA.
By my troth, I'll tell thee, I am almost sick for one; though I
would not have it grow on my chin. Is thy lady within?

CLOWN.
Would not a pair of these have bred, sir?

VIOLA.
Yes, being kept together and put to use.

CLOWN.
I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia, sir, to bring a
Cressida to this Troilus.

VIOLA.
I understand you, sir; 'tis well begged.

CLOWN.
The matter, I hope, is not great, sir, begging but a beggar:
Cressida was a beggar. My lady is within, sir. I will construe to
them whence you come; who you are and what you would are out of
my welkin: I might say element; but the word is overworn.

[Exit.]

VIOLA.
This fellow's wise enough to play the fool;
And, to do that well, craves a kind of wit:
He must observe their mood on whom he jests,
The quality of persons, and the time;
And, like the haggard, check at every feather
That comes before his eye. This is a practice
As full of labour as a wise man's art:
For folly, that he wisely shows, is fit;
But wise men, folly-fallen, quite taint their wit.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK.]

SIR TOBY.
Save you, gentleman.

VIOLA.
And you, sir.

SIR ANDREW.
Dieu vous garde, monsieur.

VIOLA.
Et vous aussi; votre serviteur.

SIR ANDREW.
I hope, sir, you are; and I am yours.

SIR TOBY.
Will you encounter the house? my niece is desirous you
should enter, if your trade be to her.

VIOLA.
I am bound to your niece, sir: I mean, she is the list of my
voyage.

SIR TOBY.
Taste your legs, sir; put them to motion.

VIOLA.
My legs do better understand me, sir, than I understand what
you mean by bidding me taste my legs.

SIR TOBY.
I mean, to go, sir, to enter.

VIOLA.
I will answer you with gait and entrance: but we are prevented.

[Enter OLIVIA and MARIA.]

Most excellent accomplished lady, the heavens rain odours on you!

SIR ANDREW.
That youth's a rare courtier- 'Rain odours'! well.

VIOLA.
My matter hath no voice, lady, but to your own most pregnant
and vouchsafed car.

SIR ANDREW.
'Odours,' 'pregnant,' and 'vouchsafed':--I'll get 'em all
three ready.

OLIVIA.
Let the garden door be shut, and leave me to my hearing.

[Exeunt SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, and MARIA.]

Give me your hand, sir.

VIOLA.
My duty, madam, and most humble service.

OLIVIA.
What is your name?

VIOLA.
Cesario is your servant's name, fair princess.

OLIVIA.
My servant, sir! 'Twas never merry world,
Since lowly feigning was call'd compliment:
You are servant to the Count Orsino, youth.

VIOLA.
And he is yours, and his must needs be yours;
Your servant's servant is your servant, madam.

OLIVIA.
For him, I think not on him: for his thoughts,
Would they were blanks rather than fill'd with me!

VIOLA.
Madam, I come to whet your gentle thoughts
On his behalf:--

OLIVIA.
O, by your leave, I pray you:
I bade you never speak again of him:
But, would you undertake another suit,
I had rather hear you to solicit that
Than music from the spheres.

VIOLA.
Dear lady,--

OLIVIA.
Give me leave, beseech you: I did send,
After the last enchantment you did here,
A ring in chase of you; so did I abuse
Myself, my servant, and, I fear me, you:
Under your hard construction must I sit;
To force that on you, in a shameful cunning,
Which you knew none of yours. What might you think?
Have you not set mine honour at the stake,
And baited it with all the unmuzzl'd thoughts
That tyrannous heart can think? To one of your receiving
Enough is shown: a cypress, not a bosom,
Hides my heart: so let me hear you speak.

VIOLA.
I Pity you.

OLIVIA.
That's a degree to love.

VIOLA.
No, not a grise; for 'tis a vulgar proof
That very oft we pity enemies.

OLIVIA.
Why, then, methinks 'tis time to smile again:
O world, how apt the poor are to be proud!
If one should be a prey, how much the better
To fall before the lion than the wolf!  [Clock strikes.]
The clock upbraids me with the waste of time.--
Be not afraid, good youth, I will not have you:
And yet, when wit and youth is come to harvest,
Your wife is like to reap a proper man.
There lies your way, due-west.

VIOLA.
Then westward-ho:
Grace and good disposition 'tend your ladyship!
You'll nothing, madam, to my lord by me?

OLIVIA.
Stay:
I pr'ythee tell me what thou think'st of me.

VIOLA.
That you do think you are not what you are.

OLIVIA.
If I think so, I think the same of you.

VIOLA.
Then think you right; I am not what I am.

OLIVIA.
I would you were as I would have you be!

VIOLA.
Would it be better, madam, than I am,
I wish it might; for now I am your fool.

OLIVIA.
O what a deal of scorn looks beautiful
In the contempt and anger of his lip!
A murd'rous guilt shows not itself more soon
Than love that would seem hid: love's night is noon.
Cesario, by the roses of the spring,
By maidhood, honour, truth, and everything,
I love thee so that, maugre all thy pride,
Nor wit, nor reason, can my passion hide.
Do not extort thy reasons from this clause,
For, that I woo, thou therefore hast no cause:
But rather reason thus with reason fetter:
Love sought is good, but given unsought is better.

VIOLA.
By innocence I swear, and by my youth,
I have one heart, one bosom, and one truth,
And that no woman has; nor never none
Shall mistress be of it, save I alone.
And so adieu, good madam; never more
Will I my master's tears to you deplore.

OLIVIA.
Yet come again: for thou, perhaps, mayst move
That heart, which now abhors, to like his love.

[Exeunt.]

In Olivia's garden, "Cesario" and Feste shoot the breeze. They talk about how easy it is to play with words and make them have double meanings. Feste says for that reason, he wishes his sister didn't have a name. Why? Because someone could mess around with her name and make it into something that means "whore." He also says words are so unreliable that he prefers not to use them when discussing serious matters. When "Cesario" asks if Feste is Olivia's fool, he says he's not a fool at all, just someone who turns words into whores. "Cesario" gives him some spare change for his cleverness, and asks if Olivia is in. When Feste implies "Cesario" should give him some more money to fetch Olivia, "Cesario" obliges. "Cesario" tells us how brilliant Feste is and notes that being a Fool takes a lot of talent and an ability to read people. Feste is a "wise" guy. Sir Toby and Sir Andrew enter the garden and say "hey" to "Cesario" before Olivia enters. Alone in the garden, Olivia holds "Cesario's" hand and flirts it up. "Cesario" tries to speak for Orsino, but Olivia says she doesn't want to hear his name again. In fact, she wishes that "Cesario" would start pursuing her for himself instead of continuing to act on Orsino's behalf. "Cesario" tries to give Olivia the brush off, but Olivia confesses her lust for "Cesario" and demands to hear what "he" thinks of her. "Cesario" says that he feels sorry for Olivia. Then Olivia says fine, I won't force you, but some day, when you're older and have gone through puberty, some girl is going to be very lucky to have you. Olivia asks "Cesario" to tell her what "he" thinks of her. "Cesario" gets all cryptic and says stuff like "I am not what I am." Olivia throws herself at "Cesario" and begs "him" to love her. "Cesario" says "his" heart belongs to "no woman" and never will. The audience gets it but Olivia doesn't. When it's time for "Cesario" to go, Olivia says feel free to come back and see me any time.


SCENE II.

A Room in OLIVIA'S House.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK, and FABIAN.]

SIR ANDREW.
No, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer.

SIR TOBY.
Thy reason, dear venom: give thy reason.

FABIAN.
You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.

SIR ANDREW.
Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the count's
servingman than ever she bestowed upon me; I saw't i' the
orchard.

SIR TOBY.
Did she see thee the while, old boy? tell me that.

SIR ANDREW.
As plain as I see you now.

FABIAN.
This was a great argument of love in her toward you.

SIR ANDREW.
'Slight! will you make an ass o' me?

FABIAN.
I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of judgment
and reason.

SIR TOBY.
And they have been grand jurymen since before Noah was a
sailor.

FABIAN.
She did show favour to the youth in your sight only to
exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to put fire in
your heart and brimstone in your liver. You should then have
accosted her; and with some excellent jests, fire-new from the
mint, you should have banged the youth into dumbness. This was
looked for at your hand, and this was baulked: the double gilt of
this opportunity you let time wash off, and you are now sailed
into the north of my lady's opinion; where you will hang like an
icicle on Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it by some
laudable attempt either of valour or policy.

SIR ANDREW.
And't be any way, it must be with valour: for policy I
hate; I had as lief be a Brownist as a politician.

SIR TOBY.
Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of
valour. Challenge me the count's youth to fight with him; hurt
him in eleven places; my niece shall take note of it: and assure
thyself there is no love-broker in the world can more prevail in
man's commendation with woman than report of valour.

FABIAN.
There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.

SIR ANDREW.
Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?

SIR TOBY.
Go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief; it is
no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and full of invention;
taunt him with the licence of ink; if thou 'thou'st' him some
thrice, it shall not be amiss; and as many lies as will lie in
thy sheet of paper, although the sheet were big enough for the
bed of Ware in England, set 'em down; go about it. Let there be
gall enough in thy ink; though thou write with a goose-pen, no
matter. About it.

SIR ANDREW.
Where shall I find you?

SIR TOBY.
We'll call thee at the cubiculo. Go.

[Exit SIR ANDREW.]

FABIAN.
This is a dear manakin to you, Sir Toby.

SIR TOBY.
I have been dear to him, lad; some two thousand strong, or so.

FABIAN.
We shall have a rare letter from him: but you'll not deliver it.

SIR TOBY.
Never trust me then; and by all means stir on the youth
to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes cannot hale them
together. For Andrew, if he were opened and you find so much
blood in his liver as will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the
rest of the anatomy.

FABIAN.
And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no great
presage of cruelty.

[Enter MARIA.]

SIR TOBY.
Look where the youngest wren of nine comes.

MARIA.
If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourselves into
stitches, follow me: yond gull Malvolio is turned heathen, a very
renegado; for there is no Christian, that means to be saved by
believing rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages of
grossness. He's in yellow stockings.

SIR TOBY.
And cross-gartered?

MARIA.
Most villainously; like a pedant that keeps a school i' the
church.--I have dogged him like his murderer. He does obey every
point of the letter that I dropped to betray him. He does smile
his face into more lines than is in the new map, with the
augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such a thing as
'tis; I  can hardly forbear hurling things at him. I know my lady
will strike him; if she do, he'll smile and take't for a great
favour.

SIR TOBY.
Come, bring us, bring us where he is.

[Exeunt.]

Back at Olivia's pad, Sir Andrew Aguecheek tells Fabian and Sir Toby Belch that he's out of there--Olivia's never going to marry him so he should just go home. In fact, Olivia seems to be after Duke Orsino's serving boy, "Cesario." Fabian tells Aguecheek that Olivia's just pretending to be into "Cesario" because she wants to make him jealous. Toby says Aguecheek should pick a sword fight with "Cesario" and kick "his" butt if he wants Olivia to respect him. Toby tells Aguecheek to write a mean and nasty note to "Cesario" so he can deliver the challenge to the "boy." He tells his pal to make it really mean and scary. Aguecheek runs off to write the letter and Fabian and Toby laugh at what a chump he is. Toby says he's been using Sir Andrew Aguecheek to fund his partying. Fabian asks Toby if he's really going to deliver the letter and Toby says of course. And Fabian should try to get "Cesario" to answer the letter, but Toby doubts anything will come of it. Andrew is a wimp and "Cesario" doesn't have an aggressive bone in his body. Maria enters and tells them to come quick: Malvolio's wearing yellow stockings and smiling like a fool . Olivia's going to think he's gone crazy. They run off to watch what happens.


SCENE III.

A street.

[Enter ANTONIO and SEBASTIAN.]

SEBASTIAN.
I would not by my will have troubled you;
But since you make your pleasure of your pains,
I will no further chide you.

ANTONIO.
I could not stay behind you: my desire,
More sharp than filed steel, did spur me forth;
And not all love to see you,--though so much,
As might have drawn one to a longer voyage,--
But jealousy what might befall your travel,
Being skilless in these parts; which to a stranger,
Unguided and unfriended, often prove
Rough and unhospitable. My willing love,
The rather by these arguments of fear,
Set forth in your pursuit.

SEBASTIAN.
My kind Antonio,
I can no other answer make but thanks,
And thanks, and ever thanks. Often good turns
Are shuffled off with such uncurrent pay;
But were my worth, as is my conscience, firm,
You should find better dealing. What's to do?
Shall we go see the reliques of this town?

ANTONIO.
To-morrow, sir; best, first, go see your lodging.

SEBASTIAN.
I am not weary, and 'tis long to night;
I pray you, let us satisfy our eyes
With the memorials and the things of fame
That do renown this city.

ANTONIO.
Would you'd pardon me;
I do not without danger walk these streets:
Once in a sea-fight, 'gainst the count, his galleys,
I did some service; of such note, indeed,
That, were I ta'en here, it would scarce be answered.

SEBASTIAN.
Belike you slew great number of his people.

ANTONIO.
The offence is not of such a bloody nature;
Albeit the quality of the time and quarrel
Might well have given us bloody argument.
It might have since been answered in repaying
What we took from them; which, for traffic's sake,
Most of our city did: only myself stood out;
For which, if I be lapsed in this place,
I shall pay dear.

SEBASTIAN.
Do not then walk too open.

ANTONIO.
It doth not fit me. Hold, sir, here's my purse;
In the south suburbs, at the Elephant,
Is best to lodge: I will bespeak our diet
Whiles you beguile the time and feed your knowledge
With viewing of the town; there shall you have me.

SEBASTIAN.
Why I your purse?

ANTONIO.
Haply your eye shall light upon some toy
You have desire to purchase; and your store,
I think, is not for idle markets, sir.

SEBASTIAN.
I'll be your purse-bearer, and leave you for an hour.

ANTONIO.
To the Elephant.--

SEBASTIAN.
I do remember.

[Exeunt.]

Meanwhile, Sebastian has rolled up in Illyria and stands in a street chatting with Antonio, who, apparently, has insisted on following his beloved Sebastian. Antonio says his desire drove him to follow Sebastian to Illyria, even though he's afraid of the dangers that he might face. Sebastian says something like, "Thanks a million. Should we catch the sights?" Antonio doesn't want to play tourist and suggests that they go back to the motel, but Sebastian's not having any of that and wants to do some sightseeing. Antonio reveals that he's not really supposed to be in Illyria since he's kind of a pirate and helped steal some money from Duke Orsino. He also doesn't have enough money to pay off the authorities if he's caught in Illyria. Sebastian asks if Antonio killed a bunch of men and Antonio says no, but the skirmish cost the Duke a lot of money. Then Antonio gives Sebastian a little money and tells him to buy himself something nice, Antonio's treat. Sebastian takes the money and says he's going to shop for about an hour and then he'll meet Antonio back at the Inn .


SCENE IV.

OLIVIA'S garden.

[Enter OLIVIA and MARIA.]

OLIVIA.
I have sent after him. He says he'll come;
How shall I feast him? what bestow on him?
For youth is bought more oft than begged or borrowed.
I speak too loud.--
Where's Malvolio?--He is sad and civil,
And suits well for a servant with my fortunes;--
Where is Malvolio?

MARIA.
He's coming, madam:
But in very strange manner. He is sure possessed.

OLIVIA.
Why, what's the matter? does he rave?

MARIA.
No, madam, he does nothing but smile: your ladyship were
best to have some guard about you if he come;
For, sure, the man is tainted in his wits.

OLIVIA.
Go call him hither.--I'm as mad as he,
If sad and merry madness equal be.--

[Enter MALVOLIO.]

How now, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO.
Sweet lady, ho, ho.

[Smiles fantastically.]

OLIVIA.
Smil'st thou?
I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.

MALVOLIO.
Sad, lady? I could be sad: this does make some
obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering. But what of that?
If it please the eye of one, it is with me as the very true
sonnet is: 'Please one and please all.'

OLIVIA.
Why, how dost thou, man? what is the matter with thee?

MALVOLIO.
Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs.
It did come to his hands, and commands shall be executed.
I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.

OLIVIA.
Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO.
To bed? ay, sweetheart; and I'll come to thee.

OLIVIA.
God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so, and kiss thy hand so
oft?

MARIA.
How do you, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO.
At your request? Yes; nightingales answer daws.

MARIA.
Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?

MALVOLIO.
'Be not afraid of greatness':--'twas well writ.

OLIVIA.
What meanest thou by that, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO.
'Some are born great,'--

OLIVIA.
Ha?

MALVOLIO.
'Some achieve greatness,'--

OLIVIA.
What say'st thou?

MALVOLIO.
'And some have greatness thrust upon them.'

OLIVIA.
Heaven restore thee!

MALVOLIO.
'Remember who commended thy yellow stockings;'--

OLIVIA.
Thy yellow stockings?

MALVOLIO.
'And wished to see thee cross-gartered.'

OLIVIA.
Cross-gartered?

MALVOLIO.
'Go to: thou an made, if thou desirest to be so:'--

OLIVIA.
Am I made?

MALVOLIO.
'If not, let me see thee a servant still.'

OLIVIA.
Why, this is very midsummer madness.

[Enter Servant.]

SERVANT.
Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino's is
returned; I could hardly entreat him back; he attends your
ladyship's pleasure.

OLIVIA.
I'll come to him.

[Exit Servant.]

Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where's my cousin Toby?
Let some of my people have a special care of him; I would not
have him miscarry for the half of my dowry.

[Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA.]

MALVOLIO.
O, ho! do you come near me now? No worse man than Sir
Toby to look to me? This concurs directly with the letter: she
sends him on purpose, that I may appear stubborn to him; for she
incites me to that in the letter. 'Cast thy humble slough,' says
she;--'be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants,--let thy
tongue tang with arguments of state,--put thyself into the trick
of singularity;--and consequently, sets down the manner how; as,
a sad face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the habit of
some sir of note, and so forth. I have limed her; but it is
Jove's doing, and Jove make me thankful! And, when she went away
now, 'Let this fellow be looked to;' Fellow! not Malvolio, nor
after my degree, but fellow. Why, everything adheres together;
that no dram of a scruple, no scruple of a scruple, no obstacle,
no incredulous or unsafe circumstance,--What can be said?
Nothing, that can be, can come between me and the full prospect
of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and he is to
be thanked.

[Re-enter MARIA, with SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN.]

SIR TOBY.
Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all the
devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion himself possessed
him, yet I'll speak to him.

FABIAN.
Here he is, here he is:--How is't with you, sir? how is't with
you, man?

MALVOLIO.
Go off; I discard you; let me enjoy my private; go off.

MARIA.
Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! did not I tell
you?--Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a care of him.

MALVOLIO.
Ah, ha! does she so?

SIR TOBY.
Go to, go to; peace, peace, we must deal gently with him;
let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? how is't with you? What, man!
defy the devil: consider, he's an enemy to mankind.

MALVOLIO.
Do you know what you say?

MARIA.
La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes it at
heart! Pray God he be not bewitched.

FABIAN.
Carry his water to the wise woman.

MARIA.
Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning, if I live. My
lady would not lose him for more than I'll say.

MALVOLIO.
How now, mistress!

MARIA.
O lord!

SIR TOBY.
Pr'ythee hold thy peace; this is not the way. Do you not
see you move him? let me alone with him.

FABIAN.
No way but gentleness; gently, gently: the fiend is rough,
and will not be roughly used.

SIR TOBY.
Why, how now, my bawcock? how dost thou, chuck.

MALVOLIO.
Sir?

SIR TOBY.
Ay, Biddy, come with me. What, man! 'tis not for gravity
to play at cherry-pit with Satan. Hang him, foul collier!

MARIA.
Get him to say his prayers; good Sir Toby, get him to pray.

MALVOLIO.
My prayers, minx?

MARIA.
No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.

MALVOLIO.
Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow things: I
am not of your element; you shall know more hereafter.

[Exit.]

SIR TOBY.
Is't possible?

FABIAN.
If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as
an improbable fiction.

SIR TOBY.
His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.

MARIA.
Nay, pursue him now; lest the device take air and taint.

FABIAN.
Why, we shall make him mad indeed.

MARIA.
The house will be the quieter.

SIR TOBY.
Come, we'll have him in a dark room and bound. My niece
is already in the belief that he's mad; we may carry it thus, for
our pleasure and his penance, till our very pastime, tired out of
breath, prompt us to have mercy on him: at which time we will
bring the device to the bar, and crown thee for a finder of
madmen. But see, but see.

[Enter SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK.]

FABIAN.
More matter for a May morning.

SIR ANDREW.
Here's the challenge, read it; I warrant there's vinegar and
pepper in't.

FABIAN.
Is't so saucy?

SIR ANDREW.
Ay, is't, I warrant him; do but read.

SIR TOBY.
Give me. [Reads.] 'Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a
scurvy fellow.'

FABIAN.
Good and valiant.

SIR TOBY.
'Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why I do
call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for't.'

FABIAN.
A good note: that keeps you from the blow of the law.

SIR TOBY.
'Thou comest to the Lady Olivia, and in my sight
she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy throat; that is not
the matter I challenge thee for.'

FABIAN.
Very brief, and to exceeding good senseless.

SIR TOBY.
'I will waylay thee going home; where if it be
thy chance to kill me,'--

FABIAN.
Good.

SIR TOBY.
'Thou kill'st me like a rogue and a villain.'

FABIAN.
Still you keep o' the windy side of the law. Good.

SIR TOBY.
'Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon one of
our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but my hope is better,
and so look to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest him, and thy
sworn enemy, Andrew Ague-Cheek.'
If this letter move him not, his legs cannot: I'll give't him.

MARIA.
You may have very fit occasion for't; he is now in some
commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.

SIR TOBY.
Go, Sir Andrew; scout me for him at the corner of the
orchard, like a bum-bailiff; so soon as ever thou seest him,
draw; and as thou drawest, swear horrible; for it comes to pass
oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply
twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof
itself would have earned him. Away.

SIR ANDREW.
Nay, let me alone for swearing.

[Exit.]

SIR TOBY.
Now will not I deliver his letter; for the behaviour of
the young gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity and
breeding; his employment between his lord and my niece confirms
no less; therefore this letter, being so excellently ignorant,
will breed no terror in the youth: he will find it comes from a
clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by word of
mouth, set upon Ague-cheek notable report of valour, and drive
the gentleman,--as I know his youth will aptly receive it,--into
a most hideous opinion of his rage, skill, fury, and impetuosity.
This will so fright them both that they will kill one another by
the look, like cockatrices.

[Enter OLIVIA and VIOLA.]

FABIAN.
Here he comes with your niece; give them way till he take
leave, and presently after him.

SIR TOBY.
I will meditate the while upon some horrid message for a
challenge.

[Exeunt SIR TOBY, FABIAN, and MARIA.]

OLIVIA.
I have said too much unto a heart of stone,
And laid mine honour too unchary on it:
There's something in me that reproves my fault;
But such a headstrong potent fault it is
That it but mocks reproof.

VIOLA.
With the same 'haviour that your passion bears
Goes on my master's griefs.

OLIVIA.
Here, wear this jewel for me; 'tis my picture;
Refuse it not; it hath no tongue to vex you:
And, I beseech you, come again to-morrow.
What shall you ask of me that I'll deny,
That, honour saved, may upon asking give?

VIOLA.
Nothing but this, your true love for my master.

OLIVIA.
How with mine honour may I give him that
Which I have given to you?

VIOLA.
I will acquit you.

OLIVIA.
Well, come again to-morrow. Fare thee well;
A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.

[Exit.]

[Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR FABIAN.]

SIR TOBY.
Gentleman, God save thee.

VIOLA.
And you, sir.

SIR TOBY.
That defence thou hast, betake thee to't. Of what nature
the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know not; but thy
intercepter, full of despite, bloody as the hunter, attends
thee at the orchard end: dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy
preparation, for thy assailant is quick, skilful, and deadly.

VIOLA.
You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any quarrel to me;
my remembrance is very free and clear from any image of offence
done to any man.

SIR TOBY.
You'll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore, if you
hold your life at any price, betake you to your guard; for your
opposite hath in him what youth, strength, skill, and wrath, can
furnish man withal.

VIOLA.
I pray you, sir, what is he?

SIR TOBY.
He is knight, dubbed with unhacked rapier and on carpet
consideration; but he is a devil in private brawl; souls and
bodies hath he divorced three; and his incensement at this moment
is so implacable that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of
death and sepulchre: hob, nob is his word; give't or take't.

VIOLA.
I will return again into the house and desire some conduct
of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard of some kind of men
that put quarrels purposely on others to taste their valour:
belike this is a man of that quirk.

SIR TOBY.
Sir, no; his indignation derives itself out of a very
competent injury; therefore, get you on and give him his desire.
Back you shall not to the house, unless you undertake that with
me which with as much safety you might answer him: therefore on,
or strip your sword stark naked; for meddle you must, that's
certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.

VIOLA.
This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me this
courteous office as to know of the knight what my offence to him
is; it is something of my negligence, nothing of my purpose.

SIR TOBY.
I Will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this gentleman
till my return.

[Exit SIR TOBY.]

VIOLA.
Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?

FABIAN.
I know the knight is incensed against you, even to a mortal
arbitrement; but nothing of the circumstance more.

VIOLA.
I beseech you, what manner of man is he?

FABIAN.
Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by his form,
as you are like to find him in the proof of his valour. He is
indeed, sir, the most skilful, bloody, and fatal opposite that
you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria. Will you
walk towards him? I will make your peace with him if I can.

VIOLA.
I shall be much bound to you for't. I am one that would
rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I care not who knows
so much of my mettle.

[Exeunt.]

[Re-enter SIR TOBY With SIR ANDREW.]

SIR TOBY.
Why, man, he's a very devil; I have not seen such a
virago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard, and all, and he
gives me the stuck-in with such a mortal motion that it is
inevitable; and on the answer, he pays you as surely as your feet
hit the ground they step on. They say he has been fencer to the
Sophy.

SIR ANDREW.
Pox on't, I'll not meddle with him.

SIR TOBY.
Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can scarce
hold him yonder.

SIR ANDREW.
Plague on't; an I thought he had been valiant, and so
cunning in fence, I'd have seen him damned ere I'd have
challenged him. Let him let the matter slip and I'll give him
my horse, grey Capilet.

SIR TOBY.
I'll make the motion. Stand here, make a good show on't;
this shall end without the perdition of souls. [Aside.] Marry,
I'll ride your horse as well as I ride you.

[Re-enter FABIAN and VIOLA.]

I have his horse [To FABIAN.] to take up the quarrel; I have
persuaded him the youth's a devil.

FABIAN.
He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants and looks pale, as
if a bear were at his heels.

SIR TOBY.
There's no remedy, sir: he will fight with you for's oath sake:
marry, he hath better bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds
that now scarce to be worth talking of: therefore, draw for the
supportance of his vow; he protests he will not hurt you.

VIOLA.
[Aside] Pray God defend me! A little thing would make me
tell them how much I lack of a man.

FABIAN.
Give ground if you see him furious.

SIR TOBY.
Come, Sir Andrew, there's no remedy; the gentleman will,
for his honour's sake, have one bout with you: he cannot by the
duello avoid it; but he has promised me, as he is a gentleman and
a soldier, he will not hurt you. Come on: to't.

SIR ANDREW.
Pray God he keep his oath!

[Draws.]

[Enter ANTONIO.]

VIOLA.
I do assure you 'tis against my will.

[Draws.]

ANTONIO.
Put up your sword:--if this young gentleman
Have done offence, I take the fault on me;
If you offend him, I for him defy you.

[Drawing.]

SIR TOBY.
You, sir! why, what are you?

ANTONIO.
One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more
Than you have heard him brag to you he will.

SIR TOBY.
Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.

[Draws.]

[Enter two Officers.]

FABIAN. O good Sir Toby, hold; here come the officers.

SIR TOBY.
[To ANTONIO] I'll be with you anon.

VIOLA.
[To Sir Andrew.] Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.

SIR ANDREW.
Marry, will I, sir; and for that I promised you, I'll be
as good as my word. He will bear you easily and reins well.

FIRST OFFICER.
This is the man; do thy office.

SECOND OFFICER.
Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit
Of Count Orsino.

ANTONIO.
You do mistake me, sir.

FIRST OFFICER.
No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well,
Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.--
Take him away; he knows I know him well.

ANTONIO.
I Must obey.--This comes with seeking you;
But there's no remedy; I shall answer it.
What will you do? Now my necessity
Makes me to ask you for my purse. It grieves me
Much more for what I cannot do for you
Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed;
But be of comfort.

SECOND OFFICER.
Come, sir, away.

ANTONIO.
I must entreat of you some of that money.

VIOLA.
What money, sir?
For the fair kindness you have showed me here,
And part being prompted by your present trouble,
Out of my lean and low ability
I'll lend you something; my having is not much;
I'll make division of my present with you:
Hold, there is half my coffer.

ANTONIO.
Will you deny me now?
Is't possible that my deserts to you
Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,
Lest that it make me so unsound a man
As to upbraid you with those kindnesses
That I have done for you.

VIOLA.
I know of none,
Nor know I you by voice or any feature:
I hate ingratitude more in a man
Than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,
Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption
Inhabits our frail blood.

ANTONIO.
O heavens themselves!

SECOND OFFICER.
Come, sir, I pray you go.

ANTONIO.
Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here
I snatched one half out of the jaws of death,
Relieved him with such sanctity of love,--
And to his image, which methought did promise
Most venerable worth, did I devotion.

FIRST OFFICER.
What's that to us? The time goes by; away.

ANTONIO.
But O how vile an idol proves this god!
Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.
In nature there's no blemish but the mind;
None can be call'd deform'd but the unkind:
Virtue is beauty; but the beauteous-evil
Are empty trunks, o'erflourished by the devil.

FIRST OFFICER.
The man grows mad; away with him. Come, come, sir.

ANTONIO.
Lead me on.

[Exeunt Officers with ANTONIO.]

VIOLA.
Methinks his words do from such passion fly
That he believes himself; so do not I.
Prove true, imagination; O prove true,
That I, dear brother, be now ta'en for you!

SIR TOBY.
Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian; we'll whisper
o'er a couplet or two of most sage saws.

VIOLA.
He named Sebastian; I my brother know
Yet living in my glass; even such and so
In favour was my brother; and he went
Still in this fashion, colour, ornament,
For him I imitate. O, if it prove,
Tempests are kind, and salt waves fresh in love!

[Exit.]

SIR TOBY.
A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than a
hare: his dishonesty appears in leaving his friend here in
necessity, and denying him; and for his cowardship, ask Fabian.

FABIAN.
A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.

SIR ANDREW.
'Slid, I'll after him again and beat him.

SIR TOBY.
Do, cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.

SIR ANDREW.
And I do not,--

[Exit.]

FABIAN.
Come, let's see the event.

SIR TOBY.
I dare lay any money 'twill be nothing yet.

[Exeunt.]

In her garden, Olivia frets about whether or not "Cesario" will come back for a little visit. Then she asks Maria where Malvolio is. Maria tells Olivia that Malvolio's on his way, but he's acting like he's possessed by demons--he's been smiling a lot and for no good reason. When Malvolio enters in a ridiculous get-up and a silly grin on his face, Olivia asks what the heck's wrong with him. She wants to know why he's smiling like an idiot when she's in such a sad mood. Malvolio continues to act like a fool--slobbering on Olivia's hand, talking nonsense, and insulting Maria. When Malvolio quotes lines from the forged letter, Olivia has no idea what he's talking about and thinks he's totally lost his mind. Malvolio presses on and asks Olivia if she remembers telling him to wear yellow stockings and cross-garters. When a servant enters and announces that "Cesario" has arrived, Olivia tells Maria to fetch Toby and company to look after Malvolio so she can rush off to greet "Cesario." Malvolio's left alone and tells us that he thinks Olivia is totally into him--he can't wait to carry out the instructions of the letter by being rude to Sir Toby. Sir Toby and Fabian enter and pretend to think Malvolio's possessed and needs an exorcism. Malvolio tells them to get lost , but Maria says, see guys, I told you his body's been taken over by a devil. Malvolio is totally confused by the crew's behavior, especially when Fabian suggests they get a urine sample and make Malvolio say his prayers. Malvolio tells them to get lost and runs away, leaving the crew to comment about how delicious their prank is. They decide to chase after Malvolio and lock him up in a dark room that will make Malvolio go crazy. Just then, Sir Andrew Aguecheek enters with the letter he has written to challenge "Cesario" to a duel. Toby reads the hilariously insulting letter aloud and assures Aguecheek that he'll deliver the note to "Cesario." In the meantime, Aguecheek should go hide in the orchard. When "Cesario" shows up, Aguecheek should jump out from behind a tree, draw his sword, and say something scary to "Cesario." Aguecheek runs off to the orchard and Toby tells Fabian and Maria that he's not going to deliver Aguecheek's silly letter. Instead, Toby's going to deliver a verbal message to "Cesario." Since both "Cesario" and Aguecheek are wimps, they'll both be shaking in their boots at the thought of fighting each other. Olivia and "Cesario" enter just then, but Toby and crew run off to work out the details of their plan before confronting "Cesario." This gives Olivia a chance to be alone with the luscious "boy." Olivia says she knows "Cesario" isn't into her, but she just can't help herself. She accuses "Cesario" of having a "heart of stone." "Cesario" replies that Duke Orsino feels just as sad as Olivia does--unrequited love is a bummer for everyone and Orsino still wants Olivia. Olivia begs "Cesario" to wear her miniature and to come back to Olivia's place tomorrow so Olivia can try to seduce "him" again. After Olivia leaves, Toby Belch and Fabian enter again and tell "Cesario" that someone's in the garden waiting to beat him into a pulp. "Cesario's" terrified and insists that "he" isn't a fighter. Too bad, says Toby, whip out your sword! "Cesario" asks Fabian for help. Fabian lies and says he'll try to help smooth things over so "Cesario" doesn't get a beat down. Meanwhile, Sir Toby goes into the orchard and tells Aguecheek that "Cesario" is crazy and can't wait to fight him. Aguecheek is terrified and tries to back out but Toby tells him it's too late--he better get ready to rumble because "Cesario" is ready to go. Sir Andrew tells Toby to tell "Cesario" that Sir Andrew will give him his horse if "Cesario" doesn't beat him up. OK, says, Toby, who runs over to "Cesario" and says Sir Andrew's ready to mop the floor with him. Toby forces "Cesario" and Aguecheek together and the two draw their swords. Just then, Antonio enters and thinks that "Cesario" is his boy, Sebastian. Antonio's scared for his boy "Sebastian" and tries to break up the fight. He and Toby trade insults and draw their swords. "Cesario" and Aguecheek put their swords away and Aguecheek promises "Cesario" his horse. Then, the cops show up to arrest Antonio, who has been recognized as one of the pirates who stole from the Duke. Since Antonio thinks that "Cesario" is Sebastian, he asks "him" to return the money he gave him earlier so he can buy his way out of jail. "Cesario" has no idea what Antonio's talking about but, being a nice person, "Cesario" gives him some money anyway. Antonio is hurt because he thinks Sebastian has hung him out to dry. He can't believe Sebastian would screw him over like this, after everything Antonio's done for him. He goes off about how he saved Sebastian from drowning, has been a devoted and loving friend, and then calls Sebastian a devil. The cops couldn't care less about any of this drama and they haul Antonio off to the clink. Meanwhile, it finally occurs to Viola that Antonio has mistaken her for her twin brother, Sebastian, since the siblings look so much alike. This gives Viola some hope that Sebastian is still alive and didn't drown at sea after all. Viola, still disguised as "Cesario," keeps this info to herself. After "Cesario" runs off stage, Toby, Fabian, and the cowardly Aguecheek hang back and talk trash about what a wimp "Cesario" has turned out to be. Aguecheek pretends like he wasn't shaking in his boots two minutes ago and says he ought to run after "Cesario" and beat him down. Toby Belch eggs on Aguecheek and they run off after "Cesario."


ACT IV. SCENE I.

The Street before OLIVIA'S House.

[Enter SEBASTIAN and CLOWN.]

CLOWN.
Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you?

SEBASTIAN.
Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow;
Let me be clear of thee.

CLOWN.
Well held out, i' faith! No, I do not know you; nor I am not
sent to you by my lady, to bid you come speak with her; nor your
name is not Master Cesario; nor this is not my nose neither.--
Nothing that is so is so.

SEBASTIAN.
I pr'ythee vent thy folly somewhere else. Thou know'st not me.

CLOWN.
Vent my folly! he has heard that word of some great man, and
now applies it to a fool. Vent my folly! I am afraid this great
lubber, the world, will prove a cockney.--I pr'ythee now, ungird
thy strangeness, and tell me what I shall vent to my lady. Shall
I vent to her that thou art coming?

SEBASTIAN.
I pr'ythee, foolish Greek, depart from me;
There's money for thee; if you tarry longer
I shall give worse payment.

CLOWN.
By my troth, thou hast an open hand:--These wise men that
give fools money get themselves a good report after fourteen
years' purchase.

[Enter SIR ANDREW, SIR TOBY, and FABIAN.]

SIR ANDREW.
Now, sir, have I met you again? there's for you.

[Striking SEBASTIAN.]

SEBASTIAN.
Why, there's for thee, and there, and there.
Are all the people mad?

[Beating SIR ANDREW.]

SIR TOBY.
Hold, sir, or I'll throw your dagger o'er the house.

CLOWN.
This will I tell my lady straight. I would not be in some of
your coats for twopence.

[Exit CLOWN.]

SIR TOBY.
Come on, sir; hold.

[Holding SEBASTIAN.]

SIR ANDREW.
Nay, let him alone; I'll go another way to work with
him; I'll have an action of battery against him, if there be any
law in Illyria: though I struck him first, yet it's no matter for
that.

SEBASTIAN.
Let go thy hand.

SIR TOBY.
Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young soldier,
put up your iron: you are well fleshed; come on.

SEBASTIAN.
I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now?
If thou dar'st tempt me further, draw thy sword.

[Draws.]

SIR TOBY.
What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two of this
malapert blood from you.

[Draws.]

[Enter OLIVIA.]

OLIVIA.
Hold, Toby; on thy life, I charge thee hold.

SIR TOBY.
Madam?

OLIVIA.
Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,
Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,
Where manners ne'er were preach'd! Out of my sight!
Be not offended, dear Cesario!--
Rudesby, be gone!--I pr'ythee, gentle friend,

[Exeunt SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN.]

Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway
In this uncivil and unjust extent
Against thy peace. Go with me to my house,
And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks
This ruffian hath botch'd up, that thou thereby
Mayst smile at this: thou shalt not choose but go;
Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me,
He started one poor heart of mine in thee.

SEBASTIAN.
What relish is in this? how runs the stream?
Or I am mad/ or else this is a dream:--
Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;
If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!

OLIVIA.
Nay, come, I pr'ythee. Would thou'dst be ruled by me!

SEBASTIAN.
Madam, I will.

OLIVIA.
O, say so, and so be!

[Exeunt.]

Meanwhile, outside of Olivia's house, Feste has stumbled across Sebastian and has mistaken him for "Cesario" . Feste says to Sebastian that Olivia's looking for him but Sebastian tells him to beat it--he's not in the mood for Feste's screwing around. Besides, Sebastian has no idea who this "Cesario" person is. Feste's pretty insistent, so Sebastian gives him some money to go away and threatens to give him a knuckle sandwich if he doesn't scram. Feste takes his money and jokes that wise men who give money to fools can get good reputations...if they keep up the payments. Just then, Sir Andrew Aguecheek, Sir Toby Belch, and Fabian show up looking for "Cesario." Aguecheek and Toby try to punk Sebastian and Aguecheek gives Sebastian a little slap. Feste runs inside Olivia's house to tattle. Sebastian is about to go ape on Toby and Andrew when Olivia runs outside and breaks up the fight. Olivia tells her uncle Toby to get out of her sight and apologizes to Sebastian, who she thinks is her "Cesario." Sebastian wonders if he's dreaming or has lost his mind, but he clearly thinks Olivia is pretty hot because he says that if he is dreaming, he doesn't want to wake up. Olivia says something like "Come with me, big boy," and Sebastian is all over that as the two run off together.


SCENE II.

A Room in OLIVIA'S House.

[Enter MARIA and CLOWN.]

MARIA.
Nay, I pr'ythee, put on this gown and this beard; make him
believe thou art Sir Topas the curate; do it quickly: I'll call
Sir Toby the whilst.

[Exit MARIA.]

CLOWN.
Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in't; and
I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I
am not tall enough to become the function well: nor lean enough
to be thought a good student: but to be said, an honest man and a
good housekeeper, goes as fairly as to say, a careful man and a
great scholar. The competitors enter.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA.]

SIR TOBY.
Jove bless thee, Master Parson.

CLOWN.
Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of Prague, that
never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King
Gorboduc, 'That that is, is'; so I, being master parson, am
master parson: for what is that but that? and is but is?

SIR TOBY.
To him, Sir Topas.

CLOWN.
What, hoa, I say,--Peace in this prison!

SIR TOBY.
The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.

MALVOLIO.
[In an inner chamber.] Who calls there?

CLOWN.
Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the
lunatic.

MALVOLIO.
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

CLOWN.
Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man? talkest thou
nothing but of ladies?

SIR TOBY.
Well said, master parson.

MALVOLIO.
Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir Topas, do
not think I am mad; they have laid me here in hideous darkness.

CLOWN.
Fie, thou dishonest Sathan! I call thee by the most modest
terms; for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil
himself with courtesy. Say'st thou that house is dark?

MALVOLIO.
As hell, Sir Topas.

CLOWN.
Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the
clear storeys toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony;
and yet complainest thou of obstruction?

MALVOLIO.
I am not mad, Sir Topas; I say to you this house is dark.

CLOWN.
Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but
ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in
their fog.

MALVOLIO.
I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though
ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say there was never man
thus abused. I am no more mad than you are; make the trial of it
in any constant question.

CLOWN.
What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild-fowl?

MALVOLIO.
That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

CLOWN.
What thinkest thou of his opinion?

MALVOLIO.
I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

CLOWN.
Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness: thou shalt
 hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits; and
fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy
grandam. Fare thee well.

MALVOLIO.
Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

SIR TOBY.
My most exquisite Sir Topas!

CLOWN.
Nay, I am for all waters.

MARIA.
Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown: he
sees thee not.

SIR TOBY.
To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou
findest him; I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may
be conveniently delivered, I would he were; for I am now so far
in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety
this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.

[Exeunt SIR TOBY and MARIA.]

CLOWN.
[Singing.] 'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how thy lady does.'

MALVOLIO.
Fool,--

CLOWN.
'My lady is unkind, perdy.'

MALVOLIO.
Fool,--

CLOWN.
'Alas, why is she so?'

MALVOLIO.
Fool, I say;--

CLOWN.
'She loves another'--Who calls, ha?

MALVOLIO.
Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand,
help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper; as I am a
gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for't.

CLOWN.
Master Malvolio!

MALVOLIO.
Ay, good fool.

CLOWN.
Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

MALVOLIO.
Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused; I am as well in
my wits, fool, as thou art.

CLOWN.
But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in
your wits than a fool.

MALVOLIO.
They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send
ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my
wits.

CLOWN.
Advise you what you say: the minister is here.--Malvolio, thy
wits the heavens restore! endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave
thy vain bibble-babble.

MALVOLIO.
Sir Topas,--

CLOWN.
Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I, sir? not
I, sir. God b' wi' you, good Sir Topas.--Marry, amen.--I will
sir, I will.

MALVOLIO.
Fool, fool, fool, I say,--

CLOWN.
Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for
speaking to you.

MALVOLIO.
Good fool, help me to some light and some paper;
I tell thee I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

CLOWN.
Well-a-day,--that you were, sir!

MALVOLIO.
By this hand, I am: Good fool, some ink, paper, and
light, and convey what I will set down to my lady; it shall
advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.

CLOWN.
I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you not mad
indeed? or do you but counterfeit?

MALVOLIO.
Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.

CLOWN.
Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains.
I will fetch you light, and paper, and ink.

MALVOLIO.
Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I pr'ythee be
gone.

CLOWN.
[Singing.]
   'I am gone, sir,
   And anon, sir,
  I'll be with you again,
   In a trice,
   Like to the old vice,
  Your need to sustain;

  Who with dagger of lath,
  In his rage and his wrath,
   Cries ah, ha! to the devil:
  Like a mad lad,
  Pare thy nails, dad.
   Adieu, goodman drivel.

[Exit.]

Inside Olivia's house, Maria makes Feste wear a disguise and pretend he's a clergyman named Sir Topas, who has come to visit Malvolio. Feste makes a crack about how he's not the first fraud to wear a clergyman's outfit. Then he approaches Malvolio and pretends to be "Sir Topas." "Sir Topas" says that he's come to visit "Malvolio the lunatic." Malvolio begs "Sir Topas" to fetch Olivia so the whole mess can be straightened out. "Sir Topas" says Malvolio's been possessed by a sex-crazed devil and proceeds with the mock exorcism. Malvolio complains about the darkness of the room but "Sir Topas" insists it's perfectly well lit. It has bay windows that are as clear as a stone wall and windows facing north and south that are blackened. So...really, Feste is agreeing that it's dark, but he's talking in riddles and saying that Malvolio thinks it's dark because he's mad. Malvolio insists he's sane and tells the fool to ask him a common sense question to prove it. The fool asks him about Pythagoras, and Malvolio answers, correctly, that Pythagoras believed in reincarnation, a philosophy Malvolio doesn't agree with. The fool turns Malvolio's views against him and steps out. Maria comments that Feste could have pulled off the prank without the physical costume since the whole joke depends more on Feste's ability to disguise his voice, not his looks. Toby tells Feste to go back to Malvolio and play himself and Sir Topas. Feste obliges. Feste returns to Malvolio and sings one of his catchy little songs. Malvolio recognizes Feste's voice and begs the Fool to fetch him a pen, paper, and a light so he can write a letter that will exonerate him. Feste treats Malvolio like a madman and Malvolio tries to explain that Toby and crew have locked him up and sent an exorcist in order to make him go crazy. Feste uses his "Sir Topas" voice and advises Malvolio to get some sleep. Then Feste pretends to have a conversation with Sir Topas about Malvolio's condition. Malvolio begs Feste for pen and paper again and claims he is as sane as anybody else in Illyria. Feste asks him if he's faking the whole thing and finally promises to fetch some paper and a pen. Feste skips off singing while Malvolio remains locked up.


SCENE III.

OLIVIA'S Garden.

[Enter SEBASTIAN.]

SEBASTIAN.
This is the air; that is the glorious sun;
This pearl she gave me, I do feel't and see't:
And though 'tis wonder that enwraps me thus,
Yet 'tis not madness. Where's Antonio, then?
I could not find him at the Elephant;
Yet there he was; and there I found this credit,
That he did range the town to seek me out.
His counsel now might do me golden service;
For though my soul disputes well with my sense,
That this may be some error, but no madness,
Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune
So far exceed all instance, all discourse,
That I am ready to distrust mine eyes
And wrangle with my reason, that persuades me
To any other trust but that I am mad,
Or else the lady's mad; yet if 'twere so,
She could not sway her house, command her followers,
Take and give back affairs and their despatch
With such a smooth, discreet, and stable bearing,
As I perceive she does: there's something in't
That is deceivable. But here comes the lady.

[Enter OLIVIA and a Priest.]

OLIVIA.
Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,
Now go with me and with this holy man
Into the chantry by: there, before him
And underneath that consecrated roof,
Plight me the full assurance of your faith,
That my most jealous and too doubtful soul
May live at peace. He shall conceal it
Whiles you are willing it shall come to note;
What time we will our celebration keep
According to my birth.--What do you say?

SEBASTIAN.
I'll follow this good man, and go with you;
And, having sworn truth, ever will be true.

OLIVIA.
Then lead the way, good father;--And heavens so shine
That they may fairly note this act of mine!

[Exeunt.]

In Olivia's garden, Sebastian can't believe his good fortune--Olivia, who he has just met, is totally into him and recently gave him a pearl as a token of her love. Sebastian wonders aloud where Antonio is--he sure wishes he could find his trusty pal because Antonio might be able to tell him if the rich, gorgeous Olivia is a dream or reality. Sebastian says that if he isn't crazy, it's possible Olivia is. Olivia enters the garden with a priest in tow. She still thinks Sebastian is "Cesario," who now appears to be in love with her. She tells Sebastian they should get hitched ASAP before he changes his mind. Best to nail down this whole deal before he runs off with some other woman. Sebastian thinks this is a terrific idea and says he'll go along with whatever Olivia says.


ACT V. SCENE I.

The Street before OLIVIA's House.

[Enter CLOWN and FABIAN.]

FABIAN.
Now, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.

CLOWN.
Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.

FABIAN.
Anything.

CLOWN.
Do not desire to see this letter.

FABIAN.
This is to give a dog; and in recompense desire my dog again.

[Enter DUKE, VIOLA, and Attendants.]

DUKE.
Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?

CLOWN.
Ay, sir; we are some of her trappings.

DUKE.
I know thee well. How dost thou, my good fellow?

CLOWN.
Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse for my friends.

DUKE.
Just the contrary; the better for thy friends.

CLOWN.
No, sir, the worse.

DUKE.
How can that be?

CLOWN.
Marry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me; now my
foes tell me plainly I am an ass: so that by my foes, sir, I
profit in the knowledge of myself, and by my friends I am abused:
so that, conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives make
your two affirmatives, why then, the worse for my friends and
the better for my foes.

DUKE.
Why, this is excellent.

CLOWN.
By my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be one of my
friends.

DUKE.
Thou shalt not be the worse for me; there's gold.

CLOWN.
But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would you could
make it another.

DUKE.
O, you give me ill counsel.

CLOWN.
Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once, and let
your flesh and blood obey it.

DUKE.
Well, I will be so much a sinner to be a double-dealer: there's
another.

CLOWN.
Primo, secundo, tertio, is a good play; and the old saying
is, the third pays for all; the triplex, sir, is a good tripping
measure; or the bells of Saint Bennet, sir, may put you in mind;
one, two, three.

DUKE.
You can fool no more money out of me at this throw: if you
will let your lady know I am here to speak with her, and bring
her along with you, it may awake my bounty further.

CLOWN.
Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come again. I go,
sir; but I would not have you to think that my desire of having
is the sin of covetousness: but, as you say, sir, let your bounty
take a nap; I will awake it anon.

[Exit CLOWN.]

[Enter ANTONIO and Officers.]

VIOLA.
Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.

DUKE.
That face of his I do remember well:
Yet when I saw it last it was besmeared
As black as Vulcan in the smoke of war:
A bawbling vessel was he captain of,
For shallow draught and bulk unprizable;
With which such scathful grapple did he make
With the most noble bottom of our fleet
That very envy and the tongue of los
Cried fame and honour on him.--What's the matter?

FIRST OFFICER.
Orsino, this is that Antonio
That took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy:
And this is he that did the Tiger board
When your young nephew Titus lost his leg:
Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state,
In private brabble did we apprehend him.

VIOLA.
He did me kindness, sir; drew on my side;
But, in conclusion, put strange speech upon me.
I know not what 'twas, but distraction.

DUKE.
Notable pirate! thou salt-water thief!
What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies,
Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear,
Hast made thine enemies?

ANTONIO.
Orsino, noble sir,
Be pleased that I shake off these names you give me:
Antonio never yet was thief or pirate,
Though, I confess, on base and ground enough,
Orsino's enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither:
That most ingrateful boy there, by your side
From the rude sea's enraged and foamy mouth
Did I redeem; a wreck past hope he was:
His life I gave him, and did thereto add
My love, without retention or restraint,
All his in dedication: for his sake,
Did I expose myself, pure for his love,
Into the danger of this adverse town;
Drew to defend him when he was beset:
Where being apprehended, his false cunning,--
Not meaning to partake with me in danger,--
Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance,
And grew a twenty-years-removed thing
While one would wink; denied me mine own purse,
Which I had recommended to his use
Not half an hour before.

VIOLA.
How can this be?

DUKE.
When came he to this town?

ANTONIO.
To-day, my lord; and for three months before,--
No interim, not a minute's vacancy,--
Both day and night did we keep company.

[Enter OLIVIA and Attendants.]

DUKE.
Here comes the countess; now heaven walks on earth.--
But for thee, fellow, fellow, thy words are madness:
Three months this youth hath tended upon me;
But more of that anon.--Take him aside.

OLIVIA.
What would my lord, but that he may not have,
Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable!--
Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.

VIOLA.
Madam?

DUKE.
Gracious Olivia,--

OLIVIA.
What do you say, Cesario?--Good my lord,--

VIOLA.
My lord would speak, my duty hushes me.

OLIVIA.
If it be aught to the old tune, my lord,
It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear
As howling after music.

DUKE.
Still so cruel?

OLIVIA.
Still so constant, lord.

DUKE.
What! to perverseness? you uncivil lady,
To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars
My soul the faithfull'st offerings hath breathed out
That e'er devotion tender'd! What shall I do?

OLIVIA.
Even what it please my lord, that shall become him.

DUKE.
Why should I not, had I the heart to do it.
Like to the Egyptian thief, at point of death,
Kill what I love; a savage jealousy
That sometime savours nobly.--But hear me this:
Since you to non-regardance cast my faith,
And that I partly know the instrument
That screws me from my true place in your favour,
Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still;
But this your minion, whom I know you love,
And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender dearly,
Him will I tear out of that cruel eye
Where he sits crowned in his master's sprite.--
Come, boy, with me; my thoughts are ripe in mischief:
I'll sacrifice the lamb that I do love,
To spite a raven's heart within a dove.

[Going.]

VIOLA.
And I, most jocund, apt, and willingly,
To do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.

OLIVIA.
Where goes Cesario?

VIOLA.
After him I love
More than I love these eyes, more than my life,
More, by all mores, than e'er I shall love wife;
If I do feign, you witnesses above
Punish my life for tainting of my love!

OLIVIA.
Ah me, detested! how am I beguil'd!

VIOLA.
Who does beguile you? who does do you wrong?

OLIVIA.
Hast thou forgot thyself? Is it so long?--
Call forth the holy father.

[Exit an ATTENDANT.]

DUKE.
[To Viola.] Come, away!

OLIVIA.
Whither, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay.

DUKE.
Husband?

OLIVIA.
Ay, husband, can he that deny?

DUKE.
Her husband, sirrah?

VIOLA.
No, my lord, not I.

OLIVIA.
Alas, it is the baseness of thy fear
That makes thee strangle thy propriety:
Fear not, Cesario, take thy fortunes up;
Be that thou know'st thou art, and then thou art
As great as that thou fear'st--O, welcome, father!

[Re-enter Attendant and Priest.]

Father, I charge thee, by thy reverence,
Here to unfold,--though lately we intended
To keep in darkness what occasion now
Reveals before 'tis ripe,--what thou dost know
Hath newly passed between this youth and me.

PRIEST.
A contract of eternal bond of love,
Confirmed by mutual joinder of your hands,
Attested by the holy close of lips,
Strengthen'd by interchangement of your rings;
And all the ceremony of this compact
Sealed in my function, by my testimony:
Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my grave,
I have travelled but two hours.

DUKE.
O thou dissembling cub! What wilt thou be,
When time hath sowed a grizzle on thy case?
Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow
That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow?
Farewell, and take her; but direct thy feet
Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.

VIOLA.
My lord, I do protest,--

OLIVIA.
O, do not swear;
Hold little faith, though thou has too much fear.

[Enter SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK, with his head broke.]

SIR ANDREW.
For the love of God, a surgeon; send one presently to Sir Toby.

OLIVIA.
What's the matter?

SIR ANDREW.
He has broke my head across, and has given Sir Toby a
bloody coxcomb too: for the love of God, your help: I had rather
than forty pound I were at home.

OLIVIA.
Who has done this, Sir Andrew?

SIR ANDREW.
The Count's gentleman, one Cesario: we took him for a
coward, but he's the very devil incardinate.

DUKE.
My gentleman, Cesario?

SIR ANDREW.
Od's lifelings, here he is:--You broke my head for
nothing; and that that I did, I was set on to do't by Sir Toby.

VIOLA.
Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you:
You drew your sword upon me without cause;
But I bespake you fair and hurt you not.

SIR ANDREW.
If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt me; I think
you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, drunk, led by the CLOWN.]

Here comes Sir Toby halting; you shall hear more: but if he had
not been in drink he would have tickled you othergates than he
did.

DUKE.
How now, gentleman? how is't with you?

SIR TOBY.
That's all one; he has hurt me, and there's the end on't.--
Sot, didst see Dick Surgeon, sot?

CLOWN.
O, he's drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone; his eyes were set at
eight i' the morning.

SIR TOBY.
Then he's a rogue. After a passy-measure, or a pavin, I hate a
drunken rogue.

OLIVIA.
Away with him. Who hath made this havoc with them?

SIR ANDREW.
I'll help you, Sir Toby, because we'll be dressed together.

SIR TOBY.
Will you help an ass-head, and a coxcomb, and a knave? a
thin-faced knave, a gull?

OLIVIA.
Get him to bed, and let his hurt be looked to.

[Exeunt CLOWN, SIR TOBY, and SIR ANDREW.]

[Enter SEBASTIAN.]

SEBASTIAN.
I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman;
But, had it been the brother of my blood,
I must have done no less, with wit and safety.
You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that
I do perceive it hath offended you;
Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows
We made each other but so late ago.

DUKE.
One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons;
A natural perspective, that is, and is not.

SEBASTIAN.
Antonio, O my dear Antonio!
How have the hours rack'd and tortur'd me
Since I have lost thee.

ANTONIO.
Sebastian are you?

SEBASTIAN.
Fear'st thou that, Antonio?

ANTONIO.
How have you made division of yourself?--
An apple, cleft in two, is not more twin
Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?

OLIVIA.
Most wonderful!

SEBASTIAN.
Do I stand there? I never had a brother:
Nor can there be that deity in my nature
Of here and everywhere. I had a sister
Whom the blind waves and surges have devoured:--
[To Viola.] Of charity, what kin are you to me?
What countryman, what name, what parentage?

VIOLA.
Of Messaline: Sebastian was my father;
Such a Sebastian was my brother too:
So went he suited to his watery tomb:
If spirits can assume both form and suit,
You come to fright us.

SEBASTIAN.
A spirit I am indeed:
But am in that dimension grossly clad,
Which from the womb I did participate.
Were you a woman, as the rest goes even,
I should my tears let fall upon your cheek,
And say--Thrice welcome, drowned Viola!

VIOLA.
My father had a mole upon his brow.

SEBASTIAN.
And so had mine.

VIOLA.
And died that day when Viola from her birth
Had numbered thirteen years.

SEBASTIAN.
O, that record is lively in my soul!
He finished, indeed, his mortal act
That day that made my sister thirteen years.

VIOLA.
If nothing lets to make us happy both
But this my masculine usurp'd attire,
Do not embrace me till each circumstance
Of place, time, fortune, do cohere, and jump
That I am Viola: which to confirm,
I'll bring you to a captain in this town,
Where lie my maiden weeds; by whose gentle help
I was preserv'd to serve this noble count;
All the occurrence of my fortune since
Hath been between this lady and this lord.

SEBASTIAN.
[To OLIVIA] So comes it, lady, you have been mistook:
But nature to her bias drew in that.
You would have been contracted to a maid;
Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived;
You are betroth'd both to a maid and man.

DUKE.
Be not amazed; right noble is his blood.--
If this be so, as yet the glass seems true,
I shall have share in this most happy wreck:
[To VIOLA] Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times,
Thou never shouldst love woman like to me.

VIOLA.
And all those sayings will I over-swear;
And all those swearings keep as true in soul
As doth that orbed continent the fire
That severs day from night.

DUKE.
Give me thy hand;
And let me see thee in thy woman's weeds.

VIOLA.
The captain that did bring me first on shore
Hath my maid's garments: he, upon some action,
Is now in durance, at Malvolio's suit;
A gentleman and follower of my lady's.

OLIVIA.
He shall enlarge him:--Fetch Malvolio hither:--
And yet, alas, now I remember me,
They say, poor gentleman, he's much distract.

[Re-enter CLOWN, with a letter.]

A most extracting frenzy of mine own
From my remembrance clearly banished his.--
How does he, sirrah?

CLOWN.
Truly, madam, he holds Belzebub at the stave's end as well
as a man in his case may do: he has here writ a letter to you; I
should have given it you to-day morning, but as a madman's
epistles are no gospels, so it skills not much when they are
delivered.

OLIVIA.
Open it, and read it.

CLOWN.
Look then to be well edified when the fool delivers the
madman:--'By the Lord, madam,--'

OLIVIA.
How now! art thou mad?

CLOWN.
No, madam, I do but read madness: an your ladyship will have
it as it ought to be, you must allow vox.

OLIVIA.
Pr'ythee, read i' thy right wits.

CLOWN.
So I do, madonna; but to read his right wits is to read
thus; therefore perpend, my princess, and give ear.

OLIVIA.
[To FABIAN] Read it you, sirrah.

FABIAN.
[Reads] 'By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and the world
shall know it: though you have put me into darkness and given
your drunken cousin rule over me, yet have I the benefit of my
senses as well as your ladyship. I have your own letter that
induced me to the semblance I put on; with the which I doubt not
but to do myself much right or you much shame. Think of me as you
please. I leave my duty a little unthought of, and speak out of
my injury.
       The madly-used Malvolio'

OLIVIA.
Did he write this?

CLOWN.
Ay, madam.

DUKE.
This savours not much of distraction.

OLIVIA.
See him delivered, Fabian: bring him hither.

[Exit FABIAN.]

My lord, so please you, these things further thought on,
To think me as well a sister as a wife,
One day shall crown the alliance on't, so please you,
Here at my house, and at my proper cost.

DUKE.
Madam, I am most apt to embrace your offer.--
[To VIOLA] Your master quits you; and, for your service done him,
So much against the mettle of your sex,
So far beneath your soft and tender breeding,
And since you called me master for so long,
Here is my hand; you shall from this time be
You master's mistress.

OLIVIA.
A sister?--you are she.

[Re-enter FABIAN with MALVOLIO.]

DUKE.
Is this the madman?

OLIVIA.
Ay, my lord, this same;
How now, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO.
Madam, you have done me wrong,
Notorious wrong.

OLIVIA.
Have I, Malvolio? no.

MALVOLIO.
Lady, you have. Pray you peruse that letter:
You must not now deny it is your hand,
Write from it, if you can, in hand or phrase;
Or say 'tis not your seal, not your invention:
You can say none of this. Well, grant it then,
And tell me, in the modesty of honour,
Why you have given me such clear lights of favour;
Bade me come smiling and cross-garter'd to you;
To put on yellow stockings, and to frown
Upon Sir Toby and the lighter people:
And, acting this in an obedient hope,
Why have you suffer'd me to be imprison'd,
Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest,
And made the most notorious geck and gull
That e'er invention played on? tell me why.

OLIVIA.
Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing,
Though, I confess, much like the character:
But out of question, 'tis Maria's hand.
And now I do bethink me, it was she
First told me thou wast mad; then cam'st in smiling,
And in such forms which here were presuppos'd
Upon thee in the letter. Pr'ythee, be content:
This practice hath most shrewdly pass'd upon thee:
But, when we know the grounds and authors of it,
Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge
Of thine own cause.

FABIAN.
Good madam, hear me speak;
And let no quarrel, nor no brawl to come,
Taint the condition of this present hour,
Which I have wonder'd at. In hope it shall not,
Most freely I confess, myself and Toby
Set this device against Malvolio here,
Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts
We had conceiv'd against him. Maria writ
The letter, at Sir Toby's great importance;
In recompense whereof he hath married her.
How with a sportful malice it was follow'd
May rather pluck on laughter than revenge,
If that the injuries be justly weigh'd
That have on both sides past.

OLIVIA.
Alas, poor fool! how have they baffled thee!

CLOWN.
Why, 'some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some
have greatness thrown upon them.' I was one, sir, in this
interlude;:--one Sir Topas, sir; but that's all one:--'By the
Lord, fool, I am not mad;'--But do you remember? 'Madam, why
laugh you at such a barren rascal? An you smile not, he's
gagged'? And thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.

MALVOLIO.
I'll be revenged on the whole pack of you.

[Exit.]

OLIVIA.
He hath been most notoriously abus'd.

DUKE.
Pursue him, and entreat him to a peace:--
He hath not told us of the captain yet;
When that is known, and golden time convents,
A solemn combination shall be made
Of our dear souls.--Meantime, sweet sister,
We will not part from hence.--Cesario, come:
For so you shall be while you are a man;
But, when in other habits you are seen,
Orsino's mistress, and his fancy's queen.

[Exeunt.]

CLOWN.
      Song.
   When that I was and a little tiny boy,
     With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
   A foolish thing was but a toy,
     For the rain it raineth every day.

   But when I came to man's estate,
     With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
   'Gainst knave and thief men shut their gate,
     For the rain it raineth every day.

   But when I came, alas! to wive,
     With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
   By swaggering could I never thrive,
     For the rain it raineth every day.

   But when I came unto my bed,
     With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
   With toss-pots still had drunken head,
     For the rain it raineth every day.

   A great while ago the world begun,
     With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
   But that's all one, our play is done,
     And we'll strive to please you every day.

[Exit.]

In front of Olivia's house, Fabian and Feste argue about a letter that Feste won't show Fabian. Duke Orsino, "Cesario," Curio, and some Lords show up looking for Olivia. Feste makes some clever comments and jokes and Orsino gives him some money for being so entertaining. Feste then convinces Orsino to give him some more gold. Orsino tells Feste to fetch Olivia and the clown runs off. Just then, Antonio and the cops happen to walk by and Orsino recognizes Antonio as a sea captain that once caused him and his fleet of ships a lot of grief. "Cesario" says Antonio's the guy who stood up for "him" when Aguecheek and Toby tried to beat "him" up, but Orsino doesn't care. He can't believe Antonio has the nerve to show his face in Illyria when he's a wanted man. Antonio says he's not a pirate, even though he's Orsino's enemy. Then he points at "Cesario" and whines about the way Sebastian treated him. Antonio says that, even though he saved Sebastian's life, has been a loving and devoted companion, and has followed Sebastian to Illyria, where he saved his life again, Sebastian has betrayed by pretending not to know him and by refusing to give him back the money he needs to buy his way out of jail. "Cesario" is dumbfounded. Orsino says Antonio's story isn't possible because "Cesario" has been in Illyria for three months, not one day, so Antonio must be lying. Olivia and her attendants come outside and Duke Orsino tries to lay some smooth moves on her, but Olivia's not having any of it. She yells at "Cesario" for neglecting her so soon after their marriage. Orsino tells "Cesario" to come with him, but Olivia says, "Husband, stay." Husband? That gets everyone's attention. When Orsino hears that his trusty page "Cesario" married the woman of his dreams, he's furious. "Cesario" tries to protest, which angers Olivia. Then the priest enters and says that yep, he just married Olivia to "Cesario." Orsino calls "Cesario" a conniving little liar and says he never wants to see "him" again. "Cesario" tries to protest again, but it's tough to get anyone to believe you when it's your word against a priest's. To make matters worse, Aguecheek runs out and says that "Cesario" just beat him up. He beat up Toby, too. "Cesario" denies everything, but Toby runs out and corroborates Aguecheek's story. Both men are bleeding and, when Toby asks if anyone has seen the local doctor, Feste informs him that the doctor has been drunk since eight o'clock in the morning - he's not going to come. This infuriates Toby, who announces that he hates all drunks. Olivia tells Toby get out and says that Sir Andrew needs to get to bed and be looked after. Andrew says he'll leave with Toby since they're in this together, but Toby insults him, calling him a coward and an idiot. Finally, Sebastian saunters in and says he's sorry to Olivia for beating up her uncle Toby. Everyone is shocked and amazed that there seems to be two "Cesario's" standing on stage. Sebastian recognizes Antonio and is overjoyed to see his bosom friend. Antonio is amazed. He asks Sebastian if he's split himself in two. Sebastian notices "Cesario" standing nearby and says he can't believe there's a guy out there who looks just like him. He wants to know who "Cesario's" parents are and where "Cesario" comes from. Instead of coming out and saying, "Hey, I'm Viola, your sister," Viola is cryptic and says her father's name is Sebastian. That's her brother's name too, but he's drowned and dead. Sebastian still hasn't figured it out. He says that if "Cesario" were a woman, he would look just like his long lost sister Viola, who is dead. Viola then says her father had a mole on his face and Sebastian says gee, my dad had a mole on his face, too. When Viola announces that her dad died on her thirteenth birthday, Sebastian finally understands that "Cesario" is in fact his sister, Viola. Finally, Viola says what she should have said long before--"I'm Viola dressed as a boy. I'd put my girl clothes back on now but I left them with the sea captain who fished me out of the ocean so I'll have to stay in these clothes." Sebastian looks at Olivia and says it's lucky for her that she married him instead of "Cesario." Otherwise, she would have mistakenly married a woman when she thought she was marrying a man. As it is, she's now married to both a man and a woman . Orsino tells Olivia not to worry about this turn of events, because Sebastian comes from noble blood, which means Olivia hasn't just married a servant boy after all. And, Orsino says, he stands to gain here, too. Orsino turns to Viola, and calls her "boy" and reminds Viola of all the times "Cesario" told him "he" loved him. Viola confirms that yes, she is totally in love with Orsino. Orsino grabs her hand and says he wants to see her in her "woman's weeds" . Viola says she can't do it because the sea captain's got her clothes and Malvolio is holding the sea captain prisoner. Olivia says she'll take care of Malvolio. She calls for him and Feste gives her the letter Malvolio wrote while imprisoned in the dark room. Feste says Malvolio's possessed by the devil, but, when he reads the letter aloud to Olivia, Olivia knows something's up. Orsino turns to Viola and says she doesn't have to be his servant anymore--lucky girl, she gets to be his wife now. Fabian trots out Malvolio, who says that he did everything in Olivia's letter so she shouldn't have locked him in prison for doing what she asked. Olivia tells Malvolio that she didn't write the letter he's just shown her. That's Maria's handwriting. She tells Malvolio that when they figure out who's been pranking him, he can dole out the justice to make things right. Fabian jumps in and explains that he and Toby were just having a laugh. Toby convinced Maria to write the letter and married her as a reward for a job well done. Now, they should all just laugh at the outcome since Malvolio and the others all insulted each other equally. Malvolio doesn't see the humor in the situation. He runs off and swears he'll get revenge. Olivia says that poor Malvolio really got the raw end of the deal, but nobody really seems to care about Malvolio's feelings. Except that they need him to tell them where the Captain is so they can get Viola's clothes. Duke Orsino says that Viola will "be" Cesario until she changes out of her boy's clothes. But, when she puts her dress back on, she'll be his woman and they'll have the weddings. Everyone exits except the fool, who sings a silly--but kind of sad--song about growing up. It's about how things change as you get older and yet, life just keeps rolling on, with the rain coming every day. The last lines are happy though, as he say that the play is done and that the players will always strive to make their audience happy.