Question: I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that I'm okay when I'm not. I'm always blocking out the bad things and forgetting. I also feel like nobody cares for me and they never will. I feel truly alone.

Response:
I can relate! When things are going badly, I feel like my life has
always been and will always be that way. (But I also do this when things are
going well. That is, I forget how good things can turn bad. Personally, to
avoid this emotional roller-coaster, I try and heed the famous advice by author
and feminist Rita Mae Brown: "One of the keys to happiness is a bad
memory."So maybe this weakness of your for forgetting is really a
strength! It sounds a lot like living in the moment to me. And while it's hard
to manage my past and my future, the moment seems like a small enough piece of
temporal real estate to sort out. So that's the what of my answer. The how
goes like this: Choose one from column A, two from column B, and three from
column C in the following chart. Then try doing them for as long as you can.
Then see what happens.A                                            B                                                  CGratitude                                Forgiveness                                 AppreciationExpectations                           Meditation                                    ExerciseBitterness                               Distraction                                    Volunteering
Resentment                            Substances                                  WorryRegret                                    Possessions                                 PessimismShame                                    Desire                                          SuperstitionRage                                      Isolation                                        WishingSelf-loathing                           Criticism                                       Withholding If you feel as though what you
think and believe are out of your control, or that your values were imposed on
you, or that nothing good will ever happen again, then we will have to
respectfully disagree. You've ask a very deep and insightful question, proving
that your hope has gotten you this far. Hang onto that hope because I'm an
example of things working out despite my previous way of looking at my life.Instead of convincing
yourself that you're okay when you're not, how about calling it accepting
yourself as okay just the way you are, without judging your okayness. You
probably have high standards (perfectionism?) and that's a thing to talk with a
counselor about. The opposite of perfect is not horrible. it's called good
enough.Blocking out the bad things and
forgetting is as natural as eating and sleeping. All the other mammals do it
(except when it comes to life-threatening bad things) so why shouldnt we? This
might be called optimism.
Feeling alone and uncared for
is a worse feeling than being despised. This is good! This means (I suppose)
that you Don't despise yourself as much as you just Don't care for you (because
we can often project our own self-beliefs onto others). This is an abstract
concept that will take some time to get used to. But I have a suspicion that,
with just a little more self-care, and a little more caring for others, you
might be better off very soon.


Question: This is preventing me from getting a job. I have bad relationship with my bipolar mother. I am living with her but it stresses me out so much to be around her that I have locked myself in my room. I have no friends or other family to help me. I have no money for therapy, but I think I need therapy before I can secure a job.

Response: Overwhelming fear, social anxiety and depression are especially painful because they make behaving constructively a challenge.  But there are also lots of examples of folks who have successfully worked their way through this.  So there is hope!   In addition to the suggestion to visit your doctor (who may prescribe a medication to help you relax), there are many social service agencies who provide free counseling or take medicaid.  A good CBT therapist will help you look at your thinking so that you may see how you are distorting your thoughts.  Behavior is also important.  Despite how you may feel: it is helpful to go out, to do things that relax you (maybe a yoga class or a meditation class?).  Exercise. Diet. Eat well. Think back on the things that you used to do that helped in the past, and force yourself to do these things again.  I know that this seems hard, but it beats the alternative, doesn't it?  Of course, I recommend you pick up a copy of my book, Living Yes, which will help you look at these and other ideas to help you out.  I hope you get unstuck soon!  ~


Question: My doctor thinks that seeing a psychiatrist will help with my depression and anxiety. Now my anxiety is worse, what do I do? Writing on here has taken every bit of strength I have left.

Response: Did you take the medication the way the psychiatrist prescribed it?  Did you follow up with her/him to report how it was going?  Different medications work differently with different people.   It's not always the first one that helps.  And some of the medications take some time to have an effect.  Give the doctor the chance to help you. I suggest you find a certified CBT therapist to help you examine your thinking.  www.AcademyofCT.org has listings of the finest CBT clinicians.  In the meantime, do some "anxiety fasting" by taking a few minutes to do something nice for yourself right now.  I hope you feel better soon.  ~


Question: In particular during family gatherings (such as funerals), where there are different customs.

Response: You have an opportunity, but you haven't described a problem.  (Are you creating one?)  Many families have various members who have different spiritual beliefs and religious practices.  Accepting the idea that those with whom we are close may be different from us is the only way to create a world of peace.   This may be a wonderful opportunity to practice tolerance and love.  If mutual decisions need to be made in religious contexts, you may also get to practice boundary setting, assertiveness (without aggression), communication skills, and loving kindness.  This is a great problem to work through!  It is indeed a very spiritual question.  Blessings to you all, ~


Question: I have manic depression and last summer was very very bad. I have recurring nightmares and I avoid anything that will give me a similar feeling as I did that summer.

Response: A PTSD diagnosis requires an event which occurred at least 6 months prior to the symptoms.   Depression is a common symptom of PTSD, but depression can come from many other sources as well.  In the end, diagnoses are systems of behavioral labels.  If you believe that one label (PTSD) is worse than another (Depression), you are creating a false hierarchy.   Consider consulting a CBT therapist, such as the fine clinicians listed in AcademyofCT.org.  You may also want to look at my book, Living Yes, for many ideas about challenging your thinking and improving you mood. www.LivingYes.org. I hope you feel better soon.


Question: I always feel like I'm not good enough and it literally is so hard living. I don't know how to talk to my parents about it.

Response: Are you a teen?  This is a really hard problem for more teens (and adults) than let on.  When I was about 15, I remember asking my parent's friend, Herman, whether life gets any easier when you get older.  He said the problems are actually harder, but you gain the ability to deal with them better.  I've been an adult a long time now, and that is so true. If you need someone to talk to, consider a teacher or a school guidance counselor or someone you respect, maybe in church.  If they're good and they don't know how to help you, they may know how to get you to someone who can.  Also, the idea of not being "good enough" is a common psychological event.  In CBT it's called a "core belief," but I call it a "core lie" in my book, Living Yes, a Handbook for Being Human.  If you are serious about changing yourself, read about it  at www.LivingYes.org and pick up a copy there or on Amazon.  I hope this was helpful.  The future is filled with possibility if we don't prejudge it!


Question: I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out

Response: I think you have identified something important here. It's not unusual to experience feelings that don't seem to match up with what your rational mind recognizes. In this case, it sounds like a part of you recognizes that the people around you do not find you "annoying and bothersome." Despite knowing that people like you, it seems that there's still a part of you that feels like you're a bother.Finding a local counselor who can work with you to process those feelings might be just the help you need.


Question: Sometimes 3 times a night.

Response: As a depth therapist (aka "psychodynamic practitioner"), I do a lot of dream work with clients; and they gain great insights from our explorations.We remember dreams, I believe, because dreams are messages (always in code) from the unconscious, communicating the crux of unresolved conflict between who we are and who we think we are supposed to be. You might be remembering so many dreams because your conscious mind is ready to hear these messages...and make some internal changes in response.Write them down! You'll be glad you did. A broad cross-section of these these messages will help your therapist help you interpret the meanings of these communications from you to you, and possibly chart your best path forward toward to resolve the cause of psychological symptoms you might be experiencing.


Question: I found out my boyfriend takes anti-depression medicine. Lately he's been saying he has a lot on his mind, and he needs time to think about us. We've only been dating 3 weeks but I like him a lot.

Response: This seems like two questions.  The first is what may have happened to prompt him to back off.  The second is what it means to you to have a boyfriend who takes anti-depression medication who says he has "a lot on his mind."  Both give you opportunity to look at yourself.  Having expectations can be a huge trap.  I write about this extensively in the first chapter of my book Living Yes (www.LivingYes.org).  Is there any way that you can enjoy your time together without expecting anything down the road?  Are there wonderful lessons for you to take from the relationship - even if it only lasts three weeks?  Can you create a mindset of gratitude for what is and let the future expectations (and future demands) go?  Are there new ways to communicate that might bring you together?  What are the lessons for you about allowing the relationship to develop its own course on its own time?  Again, let go of all expectations, and see what happens. That's what "Living Yes" requires.I am sure this will work out well for you - either with him or without him.


Question: I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that I'm okay when I'm not. I'm always blocking out the bad things and forgetting. I also feel like nobody cares for me and they never will. I feel truly alone.

Response: I'm glad you're aware of how you honestly feel.  Knowing one's personal truth is always the first step in finding what is necessary to be and develop.Reflect a little more on the type of care you'd like in your life."Care" means anything from checking in on someone to deep, intimate connection between two people.Knowing your own definition of "care" is the first step to know what is necessary for you to recognize what you'd like attracting.It is much easier to attract what we'd like if we are clear on what this is.


Question: Sometimes 3 times a night.

Response: Dreams are our chance to make sense of our waking lives.If you've got a lot going on in your life then your dreams are your assistants in understanding these happenings and dynamics.


Question: About 5 months ago my ex left without fully explaining why. For me it seemed out of the blue. I don't miss her as much as I used to but I just don't trust people anymore, not even my friends who I have known since my childhood not even my family. I'm so terrified of being judged or dismissed. Instead of acting like someone else or putting on a mask of a personality, I've just shut down. I haven't felt that sense of comfort and happiness with myself since everything fell apart. I'm scared to because I don't want it to be taken away from me again. I feel like ever lesson I learn only last a day. I just don't know what to do. I'm working at a place I know I should enjoy. I'm keeping up with my creative passions: working out, eating healthy, etc. I'm doing everything the books say I should do, but I don't feel any different. I just don't know what to do.

Response: since you realize your sense of trust was broken, withdrawing from close relationships, makes sense.This may be your Self giving you natural time to recuperate from emotional pain.Also it is your chance to think over how to handle yourself differently in future relationships.Maybe this process requires more time than you'd like.Having patience is very difficult when a person feels hurt.A therapist of your own may be a good idea so you have someone for guidance and to chart your progress w you.This may feel less lonely and help you tolerate the waiting period till you're better


Question: I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out

Response: Interesting:  How much of your issue is your own self-judging and how much of your perception is real?There are many ways to stop judging and self-judging using Cognitive Theory (CBT).  You could find a (CBT) counselor/ therapist to help you reduce your judgments.  In addition, I've written extensively about this in my book, LIVING YES, A HANDBOOK FOR BEING HUMAN (www.LivingYes.org).  I recommend you visit the webpage and pick up a copy.As to your own perception:  You seem okay being who you are, and your girlfriend agrees.  Instead, you appear to be upset by your own guess at what others may be thinking. That's a trap that stresses a lot of folks out.  Consider this:  Many happy people don't mind what others think of them.  And consider this:  Many heroic characters in literature and movies are unlikeable.  ("Colombo" is annoying and bothersome, but we love him.  So is Johnny's Depp's Jack Sparrow and many of the roles played by George Clooney, Sandra Bullock, and Jack Nicholson.)  Would it be okay with you to be an "antihero" in your own life?  If you don't want to be an antihero, you have the power to be the person you want.  Your behaviors and thoughts are completely under your control.  What other people think of you is not under your control.  You are completely in the driver's seat here.  The choices are all yours.  Enjoy who you are, and use your will power to make yourself who you want to be!  ~Mark  (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)


Question:
Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven.
When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety.
Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal.

Response: Many people generate intense anxiety with obsessive thinking.  While the nature of your obsession about the afterlife and eternity appear very powerful and unique to you, the pattern of obsessing about one thing/area is common.  I suggest that you consider counseling to help you with your anxiety.  If you are so inclined, there are also medications which may bring relief.  Obviously, I can't diagnose you from one paragraph, so it would be wise to visit an experienced mental health professional (either a counselor or an MD in your area) to help you with disengaging from your self-destructive thoughts.  CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, is a very effective counseling approach for obsessive thinking.  If you'd like a see a top notch CBT therapist, visit www.AcademyofCT.org.  And of course I suggest you pick up my book, LIVING YES, A HANDBOOK FOR BEING HUMAN, which includes CBT concepts and many more tools which will help with obsession and anxiety.As for believing yourself "insane" (or "crazy") this is not a mental health term but a legal one (or a slang).  So as long as you don't commit a crime, no professional can legitimately call you insane or crazy!Take it slow!  ~


Question: I keep on begging him to come back. I am so unhappy with him but am so scared of being a single parent to our son. I was abused as a little girl and that has made to be very abusive to men. What should I do...

Response: Major change frightens almost everybody.Don't be so afraid of your fear that you let yourself beg and are willing to accept unhappiness as a standard in your marriage.If you start considering that life can be better than what is current for you now, new possibilities and ideas will start developing in your mind.Consider finding a therapist so that you have private space to talk in detail about your fears and the new ways of seeing your Self.A therapy relationship, since it is safe and supportive, will be a good balance to having been abused, suffered, and unhappy.


Question:
She was raised by her abusive father and his wife. 30 years ago I shot and killed my rapist and was convicted in Louisiana. I lost custody of my daughter and served 5 years. When I was released, she was 5 and didn't remember me. Many many sad memories came from my having to leave her visit after visit, having to leave her in Texas to travel back to Louisiana. She doesn't remember that. I do.
Over the years, I thought we had developed a close mother daughter relationship. She gave me good reason to doubt that on several occasions but especially last year. I have been cruel to her verbally and to my son who I met years after giving him up for adoption. Last night, I was angry at the world and afraid of God. I drank and cussed out a maintenance worker for not doing his job 4 months running. Now I'm not only feeling guilty for that but afraid of being evicted now. Help.

Response: Was either parent abusive or violent toward you?You sound to have suffered emotionally in your relationships since early in life.One point to consider is to strive for moderation in what you offer in relationships.A lot of what you've lived through is extreme, either as victim or perpetrator.If you imagine that apologizing to the custodian for the way spoke to him, would calm him down, do so.At the very least, you'll be actively resolving your guilt over cussing at him, and fear of his retaliation.


Question: Sometimes 3 times a night.

Response: Perhaps more dreaming means that you are making use of your mind to solve problems.  I find that change states, while sometimes difficult, are very exciting.  They give you opportunity to grow more rapidly.  So I say: "congratulations!"


Question: I'm in a relationship with my fiancee and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice?

Response: What Makes Love Last? how to build trust and avoid betrayal by John Gottman is a great book for you both to start reading. You may also want to invest some time and energy in couples therapy. It sounds like there is a lack of trust in your relationship, likely a hangover from your beginnings, that would be helpful for you both to work through to truly be able to forgive and move forward.


Question: Why am I attracted to older men?

Response: What a wonderful question!Good for you on clearly knowing your priorities.If I was sitting with you now, I'd ask you to list your reasons.Start with whatever answers you do come up with and examine each of these a little further.If, for example, you feel you need a man because many of your friends are in relationships, then possibly you feel insecure about being your unique self, even when this sets you apart from your friends.If, you feel you need a man to protect you financially, then possibly you've lost faith in your ability to financially support yourself.If you'd like a man in your life to offer your love and are willing to contribute the work of relating intimately, then you've found the best reason for wanting a man in your life.This is far different than "need".


Question: I found out my boyfriend takes anti-depression medicine. Lately he's been saying he has a lot on his mind, and he needs time to think about us. We've only been dating 3 weeks but I like him a lot.

Response: Your boyfriend may like you a lot as well.People have different styles of reflecting on their lives, one of which is to retreat the way you describe your boyfriend doing.One point you can consider is asking for a time frame of when he'd be ready to discuss his thoughts on your relationship.He's entitled to retreat, as much as you're entitled to talk.Cooperating with the other person's way of handling themselves is one aspect of relating.Since the anti-depressants are a concern for you, consider bringing up this topic when the two of you do talk.


Question: I have been with my best friend for over a year, and we have had a beautiful baby girl. We were in love, and I still love her dearly. I am in my late teens and so is she. She says she has lost her connection with me. She is talking to a random guy that she says is just someone to talk to. But she says she still loves me. I'm very hurt and confused.

Response: Congrats on having your daughter!Have you told your partner about your feelings of "hurt and confused"?This is one possible way of opening a conversation about the different ways you each feel about one another and whether either of you would like changing or continuing to live together, in light of the change in emotional connection.The first step of having a dialogue about a relationship is being clear on what you are feeling, what you are willing to contribute to the relationship and what you would like having in return from your partner.Ask your partner if she is willing to have a conversation on these topics.  Then, allow some time so each of you is clear about their own expectations and what is possible to offer the other.This is a fairly complex process and very often is difficult to keep on track without outside help to keep the discussion focused.It is normal for emotions to override our logic when discussing matters we care about deeply.If the conversations don't go very far, or if your partner has no interest in talking, stick with your own interest to more fully understand matters.Interview some therapists to find one whom you feel helps you clarify and find direction for yourself about this situation.


Question: Then turn right back around and say he loves me and needs me. This rollercoaster is crazy.

Response: Yes, I agree with your view about the "rollercoaster" sounding "crazy"!Concentrate on knowing what your reasons are for staying with this guy, given the broad facts that you state.What are you gaining from being together and are these gains outweighing how you feel when your companion says the opposite of what he just told you?Also, examine yourself for any fears of being alone.Very often, people stay in detrimental relationships because of a fear that being alone will feel worse.It may, initially feel this way after a breakup.This is from change itself.Eventually, stability and peace of mind return, and being alone with oneself is preferred to being taken on an emotional rollercoaster by a partner.


Question: I'm going through a majorly bad divorce and my wife is making things so impossible for me. I need help.

Response: Crying due to a dissolution of a marriage, is normal.  Hating yourself may be a sign of extreme sadness, feelings of loss and uncertainty.Do you know why you hate yourself? Discovering your reason is the first step in knowing the obstacles and then the additional steps possible, to move from "hate" to "self-love".Divorce signals a loss of familiar life structure and daily routines.   As with any meaningful loss, crying is part of mourning what is soon to be gone.If you have confidence in your attorney's handling of the legal areas related to the divorce, and the "impossible" you reference is on facing and coming to terms with statements and behaviors from your wife that you never noticed before, then your best choice is to find a therapist whom you feel at ease in talking with, to sort through the emotional upheaval within yourself and your everyday life and world.Divorce is a wonderful time for learning about ones own emotional needs and expectations in relationships since these are the areas currently coming apart.The good news behind losing something that seems valuable, is that new space becomes open to attract what is more suitable for who you are.


Question: I want us all to get along, but feel that I am not being respected. Of course I do have some insecurities because he was with his ex for 8 years. He wants to see his step daughter and ex makes it so he has to go there to see her, but she doesn't want me around. She has a boyfriend, but mine fixes their vehicles, goes over once a week and hangs out with the ex and does family things with her. Since he works nights, I only see him parts of Friday-Sunday and we live together. He won't let me use his phone when I forgot mine, says his ex used to mess with it. I don't think he's cheating, but he will lie about what time he actually left her place to come home or about going over early to be with them. I feel like the other woman. She has tried to mess with holiday plans by restricting when he can see the child. He only dated once person before her, so this could be why. I don't feel he has let go enough. He is a wonderful boyfriend other than this.

Response: How much of your unhappiness with your boyfriend's way of handling himself regarding his ex, have you told him?The topics that upset you are the core of any intimate relationship.The good news is your own awareness of priorities and expectations from a partner.There may not be any bad news, depending on whether your boyfriend has the interest to adjust what he does regarding the ex.Talking the matters you list, may open a lot of emotion and become sidetracked very easily.A couples' therapist, whose focus is on the couple, not either of you as individuals, may be useful to you and your boyfriend so that you are able to complete your discussions without getting lost by the emotions raised.


Question:
My therapist is gay so there are no sexual issues here. However, my therapist for six years has made me believe that he cares about me and that we are friends. I have loaned money to him many times, and he always paid me back.

I had a medical emergency last weekend and I was heavily medicated. I knew that this therapist came into my home and wrote down my credit card information so he could pay back what he owed me, but this therapist dropped me off and never came again. I don't know what to do.

Response: Do you want this therapist to have your credit card information?If not, then cancel the credit cards that you believe may now be accessible to this therapist.Therapists are expected to keep very clear boundaries between the therapy work and not have other relationships, such as "friend" or "money lender" with someone who is their patient.Therapists are never "friends" with their patients.Letting you believe that you are the therapist's friend, is a violation of professional ethics and almost definitely, a violation of the Consumer Protection laws in your State.Start by dropping this person as your therapist.  He has broken too many ethical standards to be worthy of offering therapy.Think over if you'd like remaining friends with this person, whom you describe as lacking integrity and stealing from you.If you need help getting back money from him, then contact the police and talk to a detective about what has happened so far.  The detective will advise according to the laws in your community and State, whether to file a police report, and what steps are necessary to utilize the Court system to get back your funds.If you'd like doing future patients who may be treated to similar ways by this therapist, a favor, go online and file a complaint with the therapist's Licensing Board.Good luck!


Question: I found messages between my boyfriend and this girl on social media. He was asking her for naked pictures and then hung out with her once, but nothing happened. I didn't find out about the messages until last month and that was six months after it happened. I can't trust him anymore and I'm just wondering if I ever will. He admitted that he wanted to have sex with her but he didn't. He was only talking with her because he thought we were going to have a break up. My heart is completely broken. I feel like I'm in competition with every girl on the planet for my boyfriends affection. I'm afraid that he doesn't like me anymore, but without me he's homeless and without a car. I love him so much. It's been tearing me apart. I don't feel pretty anymore though. I don't feel good enough for anyone or anything. I thought I knew him as well as I knew myself. Then all of a sudden my world was flipped upside down. I'm still trying to figure out which way is up.

Response: I'm sorry for so much stress in your relationship life.In what ways does your boyfriend express his commitment and positive feelings about you, to you?From what you write, you feel more aggravation, stress, loneliness and insecurity, than satisfaction by being in this relationship.Does he care that you don't trust him?Very often people stay in relationships from fear of knowing who they really are.  The feeling is of needing a partner in a way that is similar to how a fearful child needs staying nearby a parent.My suggestion is to think over how much your sense of need for a partner, may be preventing you from actually seeing the amount of love and investment in your relationship, your boyfriend actually has.These realizations are sometimes painful and frightening to understand, especially if you grew up in a family that largely ignored or didn't adequately nurture you as a child.A therapist for your Self may be a good investment of time and cost in giving yourself a safe and trustworthy space to think deeply about your best interest.


Question: In 2008 my former husband of 14 years walked away from my life and we've been separated ever since. We have always been together sexually and both have experienced sleeping with others. I stopped because I wanted my marriage to work out but he did not. If he stops sleeping with other women, can our marriage be saved? Or should we just part ways? I still care deeply about him after all that I did and he has done. But he is seeing someone else on and off for years now. Will our marriage still be saved if he decides that he wants to try to do so?

Response: Sorry to hear about the stress in your relationship.  There is definite value in being clear as you are, about your own emotional investment in your husband and that you expect sexual exclusivity from him as part of the foundation of your marriage.Also positive is your awareness that only your husband is the one who must similarly decide his own standards of being sexually exclusive to you, or not.Whether your marriage can be saved depends on what each person is willing to accept about the other one.Is sleeping with other women the only criterion of what will satisfy you about being together with your husband?Love and care are not enough to make a marriage work. Partners need to be able to compromise and cooperate with each other. That you care for him definitely intensifies any emotion you feel toward your husband.  It intensifies any frustration and sadness about the relationship too.Decide how much emotional sadness and hurt you're willing to tolerate and the reason you're willing to do so.From what you write, you are being very generous of yourself and not being reciprocated for this.If your husband doesn't start taking steps toward satisfying your wishes, this may be your time to question your own generosity in waiting for him to do so.


Question: I was married to a narcissist sociopath for 10 years. During that time I was a general manager. I used to help him financially and in other ways when we were together. But things began to change. He emotionally and sexually drained me. I lost my spirit. I used to be a very happy person but now I am a loner. I left him and moved to another state. Currently, I'm working as a server which makes me believe less in myself. I feel pity for myself a lot but don't know what to do. When I have money problems, he does not help me. He actually enjoys seeing me have a hard time in my life. I need help.

Response: Congratulations on leaving your marriage!It is ok and natural to feel sadness, loss, uncertainty in direction, hurt, resulting from ending the marriage.Possibly what you consider "pity" is a combination of these feelings.Be kind and caring toward who you are since you just put yourself through a major separation and need time to clear out the old emotions that connected you to your ex.There is very, very little chance of him helping you since he lacks compassion and empathy.More likely any help he gave would be in order to manipulate you.Maybe for now your server job is ok do you have more time to concentrate on taking care of your emotions.You were a manager once, you can be a manager again when you feel ready for doing so.Good luck!


Question: I have been diagnosed with ADHD and experienced manic depression episodes. I have problems with anger management. Apparently, I also have an ODD, bipolar and split personality. How can I be truly happy?

Response: The ADHD and manic depressive episodes are terms other people told you that you have.You don't have to accept these words to describe who you are.A lot of mental health in our country is about telling people what's wrong with them and giving pills for these so called conditions, instead of helping a person know more about themselves in order to make good decisions.You can be happy because nothing from the outside, such as the names people have used to tell you who you are, can interfere with your own wish to be happy.Others can slow you down because of the self-doubt and hurt feelings.  No one can take happiness from you, only they can make it harder to find and hold onto.Anger management only works temporarily because it is a surface approach.Think of the reason you are angry.  This will be better to know so you will be able to address it.Then you will not have anger to manage.


Question:
My therapist is gay so there are no sexual issues here. However, my therapist for six years has made me believe that he cares about me and that we are friends. I have loaned money to him many times, and he always paid me back.

I had a medical emergency last weekend and I was heavily medicated. I knew that this therapist came into my home and wrote down my credit card information so he could pay back what he owed me, but this therapist dropped me off and never came again. I don't know what to do.

Response: I'm sorry to hear that this has happened. Counselors are legally and ethically required to make sure that they always put the wellbeing of their clients above their own interests. In addition, counselor ethical rules, and the laws in just about every state, make it illegal for counselors to take advantage of a client financially. A counselor borrowing money from a client (even if the counselor pays it back) would usually be considered to be taking advantage of the client.There are a few options you have at this point if you can't (or don't want) to continue to try to contact him directly. You can file a complaint with your states' regulatory board and let them know what has happened.  An investigator will then look into the situation for you.  Another option would be for you to find a different counsleor who can provide you with an independent and netural point of view to help you figure out how you want to handle this situation.


Question:
My boyfriend says I'm nuts. I need to get help because I get an overwhelming feeling that he is cheating on me. Whenever I try to talk with him about it, he always turns it around on me by telling me what I'm doing wrong. I know that accusing him does not help. When his whole demeanor shifts towards me, I can't help but think that something is wrong. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I try to talk with him to make it better. I let him know when I am feeling down. But I am not confident in these things.
Two weeks ago a girl texted his phone 3 times trying to hook up with him. He texted her back with "Sorry, I've been working. I just read your message." The girl was trying to get him to call her at a time when he was at home with me. He texted her back with "Don't text me anymore." I don't feel like I am way out of the line. But I can't talk with him if all that he will say is that I'm crazy and I need help. What should I do? How will I go about checking if there really is something wrong with me?

Response: Trust your intuition that your boyfriend is involved with other people.You gave examples which strongly suggest this.Quite commonly, a person twist someone's words to convince then of having problems in seeing or understanding their own and other's behavior.Your intuition is again working quite well in telling you that your problem is having a boyfriend who manipulates you, not that you're seeing things incorrectly.One way to check if you're totally misreading him, is to examine whether you feel similarly in other relationships.If no one else who knows you tells you that you're crazy, then this strongly points to your boyfriend twisting words so that you feel wrong.Also, a consult with a therapist would clarify the dynamics between you and your boyfriend.A therapist session would also allow you to think out loud in a confidential discussion, what to do with your newfound clarity!


Question:
I am having a problem with extended family members who are inappropriately urinating in my home. They are peeing in cat litter boxes, bottles, and directly on floors and in corners of my house.
Is there any literature that supports why such adults would behave this way? This is not a joke. I am trying to understand.

Response: Hi, This sounds like a very challenging and upsetting problem - good for you for reaching out! My first thought is, these two adults may have a sleep disorder that could be contributing to the urination in inappropriate places. Since they are adults, and you can't force them to seek treatment,  you might be able to suggest that there could be an underlying medical issue and advise they speak with a medical provider. . As far as what to do for yourself - set some firm boundaries. Be clear about the expectations of your home. Also include the positive and negative consequences should they decide to address or avoid this issue. I hope this helps you, your family members, and the pets!


Question:
Tonight, my husband seemed to put our son down through an incorrect approach. His approach was perfectly wrong. I found myself defending my son. I told him that what he did was not the way to encourage our son.
Instead of watching my husband's harsh behavior I decided to sit beside my son and, together, we worked on his science assignment in order to encourage him to study. My husband got upset and he was swearing at me. He threatened me. I knew that he was not joking. His words scared me a lot!

Response: I have had these many cases, but in situations like this.... If it does get out of hand, the police do need to be involved. Sit down and talk to your husband when he is calm and collective.


Question:
How do I ever trust another woman? I have found myself constantly reading between the lines with every other woman that I meet. I am having a difficult time making any sort of connection to anyone because of her deception and willingness to say and do literally anything in order to control my emotions.
Once the "relationship" was over, she became extremely abusive and has attempted to intimidate me into silence regarding the many false claims made on her immigration application.

Response: I'm sorry to hear about being taken advantage of by your former wife.On the positive side, think of how much you learned by going through this very painful time.Maybe you are naturally very generous and caring, to the point of expecting very little from the other person, for example.Consider yourself in a favorable position to not feel like going out right now and meeting a new person.   Your spirit is guiding you to stay put and recuperate from this ordeal, review for any signs you may have been more trusting than merited by the person's behavior.There's a natural flow to what we're able to handle and when we have renewed capacity for new adventures.There's no reason to assume that you'll never trust another woman again.  The first step is re-building trust in yourself to step into a new relationship.   There is no designated time line.  You'll simply feel more ready than you feel now.Very unlikely that you'd ever place yourself in a similar situation to the one you're currently recovering from.Good luck!


Question: I am currently living in a hotel and I Don't have a family. I met a guy a month ago. He is a bisexual. He has a lot of gay friends on social networking sites. He would not help pay for the room. When I asked for the TV remote control, he threw it elsewhere and asked me to get it. I slapped him and asked him to leave my room. We recently just got back together. One time I was sick. He came to visit and feed me but left no money. Then he texts me and brags about his house and car knowing that I have struggles living at a hotel. He says that he has a whole house where he can put me in and orders me to text him whenever I need someone to have sex with. He left his bath soap so he could come and get it. I think that he is trying to find a way to come back. Please help me. what's going on? I am a good, loyal woman. Why is he treating me like this?

Response: I am less concerned about this man as bisexual and having gay friends, than about how you feel is treating you.  You are in a vulnerable position because of social isolation.  If you have friends to talk to, please reach out.  While this man has money, it is not his job to take care of you financially unless the two of you have decided that together.  It sounds like he sometimes cares for you and other times you feel disrespected.  I would suggest you look for a man that is consistent in his love and care.  This is not your fault.  But you are in control of removing him from you life or choosing not to because he meets some of your needs.  Take care.


Question:
I'm a senior high school student. I'm also five months pregnant. I got pregnant by my boyfriend of three years. My parents Don't want us to communicate with each other. He can't even come to visit my gynecologist. My mom goes to attend all of my doctors appointments. she'ss supportive of me. I wish, though, that my boyfriend was next to me and be able to see his daughter on a sonogram, at the very least. My family does not understand that he deserves that much. I cry all the time because I feel lost and hopeless.
I need guidance and I believe that you can give it to me. Am I wrong for wanting him around? Are they right for keeping him away from the appointments and not letting us communicate with each other even though we are the parents? I do everything that they ask of me. I just want him to be around. When I ask my parents to let him be here, they call me a selfish person. Please help me.

Response: You're not wrong for wanting to be with your boyfriend of three years who is also the biological father of your child.Do your parents object to you and your boyfriend continuing to see each other in person?  Or, do they object only to electronic communication and don't want him involved in his child's life? Ask your parents what their reason is for forbidding you to communicate with your boyfriend.  Ask them also to understand your point of view.Now is also a good time for you and your boyfriend to plan whether and where you will live as a family and how to financially and emotionally support one another once your baby is born.Your mom and dad are definitely making fatherhood difficult for your boyfriend and motherhood stressful for you.Consider bringing up the topic during your next obgyn visit.  Your doctor may ask your mom to explain her reasons and address these.Look online for women's resources to see if there are clinics or agencies that would help you advocate for your position in this matter.Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy, labor and delivery!


Question: I have always wanted to have a transition from male to female for some time now. This issue has persisted for 10 years already but I don't know where to start. I do not have the soundest information either.

Response: Wonderful!  I am so excited for you.  What a huge decision.  I am writing from Toronto Canada so it is hard for me to direct you specifically.  I would start with two things 1) Find a doctor that is comfortable perscribing hormones and 2) find a Counsellor or Therapist that is transgender specialized.  They will know how transitioning works in your health care system and other supports as well.  Google is a wonderful way to find these resources.   I wish you well. Thanks for writing!


Question: How do I stop those thoughts?

Response: The thoughts you are having are just thoughts.  Not actions.  It is your choice whether you act on these thoughts.  If you decide to explore having sex with adults of different genders that is great.  If you find yourself obsessed with sexual thoughts, you may want to see a cognitive-behavioural therapist.  Take care.


Question: I feel like I would be more comfortable as a girl even though I still like girls. I think I'm like a girl stuck in a guy body. I imagine myself as a girl too. I think this more because my friends say that if I was a girl I would be a hot looking one. And I don't care about having boobs or anything. I just feel like the way that I do act will make more sense if I was a girl.

Response: Gender is personal thing.  There is not just boy and girl.  It is ok to be a boy and feel feminine and date women.  It is also ok to be a transgendered women and date women.  Have fun with it and feel it out.  What is right for you?


Question:
I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad does not believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she does not believe me either. I'm a pansexual, but I can't trust my own parents.
I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.

Response: First of all, I am sorry that you have been missing out on your childhood. It may help you to know that many of us feel that we have missed out on our childhoods, as well, and that despite such deprivations, for many of us, our adult lives have been extraordinarily fulfilling due to our opening up to trusted adults. I recommend that you find a trustworthy adult to talk to. This may be a teacher, a coach, a school counselor, a minister, a family member, or a friend's family member. If none of these are available, try out a professional counselor, social worker, psychiatric nurse practitioner, psychologist, or a psychiatrist. It is best to get a referral for such a professional from a peer who has had a positive and safe experience with a particular provider.


Question: I'm going through a divorce with my wife of three years, who I've known since the 4th grade and been involved with for seven years! We just had a baby seven months ago and never got along with my mother, who I've lived with for years. I am now back with my mother because I have nowhere to go with this divorce looming. I'm heart broken because I fell into a depression, I haven't seen my child in a while, I'm having good and bad dreams, and I feel hated. Can you help? Can you intervene? Can I speak with someone?

Response: It's hard to accept the end of a marriage when it's not your choice; you feel powerless, abandoned and unwanted. Your wife has the right to decide not to be in a marriage with you, and a therapist can help you accept and move through this change that has broken your heart and left you lost. You don't indicate why you haven't seen your child, and you may want to consult with a lawyer about the laws in your area and how to gain access to your baby. Therapists don't intervene in these ways. The marriage may be ending, but your role as a loving father is only beginning.  You can focus on giving your child the gift of two parents who respect each other.


Question: I been having anger problems a lot lately. It only takes one word wrongly said to set me off. I use to not be like this until I got with my soon-to-be husband. I think his mood and rage/anger problems have rubbed off on me a lot. I don't get nearly as bad as he does, but I yell almost constantly and I can't seem to just stop. I have two young babies that have to hear this, and I don't want my girls growing up with a mommy like I have been lately. I just don't know how to get back to my old self.

Response: My gut says that your own rage is being triggered partly because you feel trapped or shutdown by your fiance's moody/angry/rage responses and powerless to stop it. You can start by accepting that this is who he is and you won't change him. You can only change your own behaviours, and I see you taking responsibility for those, which is great. You want to protect your girls, and that's appropriate; children are greatly affected by this type of home environment. I urge you to see a therapist so you can understand your own emotions and sort out the choices you have to make, knowing that your fiance has to make his own choices about his behaviours.


Question:
I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. He recently got a new job and travels a lot. I'm not used to him being gone all the time. I feel as though he has forgotten about me because he does not talk with me as much and does not keep me up to date on everything that he does throughout the day, which he used to.
I feel lost, sad and unwanted. This is really a tough new challenge. I just want to break up with him, but I love him so much. I Don't know why he is acting this way lately. I believe I have separation anxiety. Is there anything that I can do to help me cope with this while he is out of town?

Response: In a way, yes, you have separation anxiety. It's normal in a relationship for us to slow down a bit with the attachment behaviours that establish and deepen love and connection. So, just because your boyfriend isn't talking as much or keeping you up-to-date doesn't necessarily mean what you fear it means...that he's forgotten about you or loves you less. It could mean quite the opposite...that he's focused on being successful in his new job and impressing you. He may think he's loving you more, but you feel loved less. You have two jobs to do here. The first is to manage your anxiety by "talking back" to the thoughts it puts into your head. It sounds like "It's normal to be insecure, but I have tons of evidence that he loves me and that I mean the world to him..." Find that evidence that helps you refute what anxiety is trying to claim. The second part of your job is to let him know what you need. You need more affection and connection during this period when he's away (more texts, phone calls, information). It's okay to want that, and I am sure he will be relieved to know exactly what he can do to help you feel secure and calm when he's away.


Question: I'm a teenager. I get random spurts of anger, like complete, pure rage. I figured it was hormones, but others notice it too. I get self-destructive. I used to cut but stopped. Now when I get mad, I bite my arms and fingers, pull my hair, scratch my face, or punch my thighs. Basically, I do things I can hide instead of breaking anything in my room and having to explain it to my mom. I don't live in a bad household. I have a great family, a great relationship with my boyfriend, and a good job. I have no idea what this is and I don't know how to control it. It's over any little thing. Tonight, it was because I couldn't get my earrings out. This happens maybe two to three times on a good week, and it's always over stupid, petty things.

Response: Hi. I'm glad you wrote. In general, when a small thing bothers us (and this happens to all of us), it's because the small thing triggers an emotion in us that we have felt "too much" or "too intensely" in the past, and we don't know how to manage that emotion effectively...we just want to avoid it as quickly as possible. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with a qualified therapist can help you to understand what is being triggered in you and learn how to manage emotions productively. You say that your behaviours are self destructive, and I agree. It sounds like you have developed a habit of channelling your distress towards self-harm, and this is a separate and potentially more serious problem. This is a choice you make that points to shame being an issue for you. Again, a good therapist can help you learn what's behind your shame and self-harm. Your feelings are normal, and you can learn more healthy ways to deal with them with qualified help.


Question: He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.

Response: I'm sorry for the hurt you're feeling from your husband's decision.Keep in mind that if one partner does not want to be in a relationship and remains in it, then both people will be unhappy, dissatisfied and feel stressed.Imagine being in a relationship that you'd rather leave.All the negative feelings and resentment of being with someone whom you'd rather be without, would not leave very much energy to satisfy your partner.I'm glad you realize that you feel depressed.Depression is a mood that can change once you understand what is causing it.Depression is an area that very often therapists help their patients understand, and emotionally support and encourage them during the course this takes.For now, concentrate on decreasing the tension in your life.  Your husband's indecision may very well be adding to your stress.Only he can make up his own mind.As hard as this may be, all you really can do is take care of how you feel so that you will feel better.From what you write, your husband is too unsure to offer you the love and care you'd like from him.Learning to love oneself is always worthwhile.   At this stage in your marriage, now sounds like an ideal opportunity for you to teach yourself self-love.


Question: My new daughter-in-law just informed me that she is smoking marijuana while pregnant because of her morning sickness. I'm in shock and I Don't know how to respond. I just lost my mom, and she was good with advice.

Response: Have you reached your own conclusions and reasons for these, regarding the topic?   When you feel confident in your own reasons for your conclusions, then obviously ask your daughter in law for some time together and tell her what you think and your reasons for opinions.Plan for this meeting according to the type of relationship you have with your daughter in law.Since your son will also be affected by the prenatal conditions of his child, he may also be interested in being part of this conversation.Also, during your discussion, find out the exact ways the morning sickness affects your daughter in law.It is possible that scheduling adjustments in routines can be made so your daughter has more time to rest or fewer responsibilities for a while until she feels better.Maybe you and other family members can lighten her daily routines so she has more time for herself to manage her morning sickness in a less risky way.Sending Good luck!


Question: Current medications are: topamax, ativan, brintellix, lamictal, restoril, abilify, tx: long term dbt, cbt

Response: The general prognosis for anyone is good, so long as they have faith in their own ability to find the goodness in life.From what you write, the professionals may have so much focus on the drugs they give you, that they have forgotten that you are a human being who has interests, opinions, feelings and thoughts.The list of drugs you write sounds too long for anyone to reasonably need.My best suggestion is to find a therapist who does talk therapy, not drug therapy.Discussing your fears and anxieties in a protected, professional, confidential space, sounds like the first step to helping you believer your own conclusion about your well-being.Taking a lot of drugs creates self-doubt and weakens the sense of self that people naturally have.My wish for your future is to regain trust and confidence in yourself as a person, not a diagnosis who is told to take a lot of pills.


Question: He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.

Response: Wow that is tough. There is nothing worse than fearing abandonment when you are already struggling with depression. It sounds like you are still wanting to work through whatever challenges you and your husband are having but your husband may not be on the same page. I would encourage you and your husband to seek professional support if you haven't already. While depression can put real strains on a relationship, relationship problems can lead to or contribute to depression and there may be some real benefits to both of you in doing some couple therapy. With that being said - if your husband is not willing to do therapy or is clear that he wants the relationship to end, then I can't see what choice you have but to "respect his decision" as you mentioned. This doesn't mean that you have to feel okay with the decision - as I'm sure you wouldn't - but ultimately loving one another and staying in committed relationships is a choice that we each have to make. If he is wanting to leave - this could make things a lot tougher for you. I would encourage you to seek professional support for yourself and reach out to lots of friends and family. You do not need to face depression alone - nor should you have to. We all need support at tough times like these.


Question: I've been hospitalized twice. Once was last month for psychiatric help. I'm on medicine, but I'm struggling with fighting the negative thoughts, irrational fears, and loneliness. The people around me aren't helping much.

Response: If you are someone who usually has a job, pays or contributes to household bills, and generally manages your own daily life, then here are some suggestions.Start with small changes in your life so that you will feel successful in developing little areas of personal happiness.Since the people whom you currently are in your life "aren't helping much", consider branching out your life so that you are with those with whom you do feel help you.Follow your natural interests.  If you like reading, look online for a local book club.   If you like watching birds, look up a bird watching group.Social isolation increases the intensity of negative feelings.Also, the way healthcare is set up in the US, psychiatrists spend 15 minutes asking a person questions and then giving them a pill script.    There is almost no human interest in the person.If you'd like feeling better as a person, then find people.   Relying only on our mental health system will keep you feeling low and unsteady.If your life is a little more sheltered and you are in a group home setting or your basic needs are taken care of by someone or some organization, then similar advice is still valid.Find and participate in whatever human settings which appeal to you and are available on a somewhat regular basis.


Question: I find myself being very outgoing most of the time, but there are some times when I don't know what to say. I don't even want to talk at all. It's like, I search for the right thing to say and nothing ever comes out. I don't know if I'm outgoing only to fill the void of not knowing what to say. I Don't know if people like that about me. I'm very self-conscious and always think people are talking about me, so it makes me have a cold shoulder and not want to talk.

Response: Would you feel more secure in conversations if instead of talking soon after meeting someone or entering a social situation, you simply listened attentively to the other people?This way you'd have a more secure idea of what topics the group likes talking about and whether you like talking about these topics as well.Maybe you simply are in groups or situations in which you don't care for the people or focus.Start by trusting your own evaluation of your true interest in being among the groups in which you are.Maybe you simply need new and different groups.


Question: I am going through a very hard time and I'm so depressed. My parents are getting a divorce and a lot of bad things are happening. I want to lull myself.

Response: Consider yourself quite normal for feeling overwhelmed and depressed about your parents divorce.   This is the most natural way to feel at this time.Depending on how old you are, and whether you live under their roof,  are dependent on their support, and are either part of the decision or not, of with whom and where you will live, start considering these points.How did you find out about the upcoming divorce?Are either of your parents reluctant to answer your questions or is it clear that neither of them want to talk about anything with you?Whatever your fears and questions about your own future, these are all real.  It is necessary for you to know about your basic future.If you are living on your own and the main problem is your inner adjustment that your family structure is completely changing, then probably a good therapist would be a great help to you now, to clarify these tensions.Sending lots of good wishes for an easy resolution to your new path!


Question: I was raped repeatedly when I was younger. I told my parents and action was taken, but now that I'm an adult, I suffer from extreme anxiety.

Response: It's not unusual for traumatic experiences that happened when we were younger to stay with us when we get older.  Traumatic experiences can become embedded in our bodies, as well as in our emotions.  If the issue doesn't get a chance to get resolved within, then external action doesn't necessarily take care of the problem.  Seek out a qualified trauma therapist so you can start to deal with the issues you're grappling with.


Question: My toddler is having a real hard time with toilet training. He almost throws up every time he sees his poop. He gags and will not go on the toilet. We have tried a toilet chair and ring that goes on the big-boy toilet, but he refuses to use it. When he sits on the toilet, he just sits there forever and only will pee. He holds the poop in until he get up and then will poop in his diaper. I dump his diaper in the toilet and let him know that it is where it goes to try to encourage him. How can I help him get over this fear and passed the stress?

Response: Your son is showing signs that he's just not ready to be toilet trained. You don't say how old he is, so I'm not sure whether the problem is deeper, but right his fears may reflect that right now he is simply be not ready to take that step. Pushing him at this point could worsen the problem, so I suggest pulling back the expectations, waiting a month or two, looking for more signs of readiness and trying again. In general, teaching children to use the toilet works best when "mistakes" are handled calmly and when parents pay close attention to cues that the child is responding positively.


Question: I was raped repeatedly when I was younger. I told my parents and action was taken, but now that I'm an adult, I suffer from extreme anxiety.

Response: Hi. Even though (thankfully) your parents responded well to you telling them, and you received treatment, it's possible, and very normal for sexual abuse trauma to affect you in different ways as you age and develop. Please see a therapist, who can help you find the root of the anxiety.


Question: I was raped by multiple men, and now I can't stand the sight of myself. I wear lingerie to get my self excited enough to have sex with my wife.

Response: I'm sorry for your being taken advantage of and for all the negative feelings created by being exploited.If you have not already explained to your wife about what caused your great distress, then please consider doing this.  A conversation that happens in a safe relationship, will give her a chance of being supportive to you.  And, the discussion may relieve some of the bad feelings toward yourself which you currently feel.In its most positive light, you and your wife can build a new sex life based on the loving foundation you develop from talking with one another in this deeper way.It will certainly distinguish your love based sex life with your wife, from sex as a violation of your body by other people.There are also behavior therapists who would set a program of building tolerance for sex as part of your usual life.These programs usually work for a short while only, unless the person also clears out the deeper levels of fear and hurt from being victimized.Good luck in progressing to feeling that your sex drive is back!


Question:
My husband and I would've been married for five years come June 2016. Our infant daughter just had her birthday. Shortly before, he told me he wanted a divorce. He has four other children, three of which are from his first wife. He decided to end that marriage when his youngest was an infant. The children do not have a good relationship with him now. He has another child from a woman he was dating. He decided he didn't want to be with her anymore when the child was an infant.

It seems to me that there is a pattern. He easily detaches from relationships at the same time in the child's life but wants a relationship with them when they are older. I've tried to research online, but I'm not getting any answers. He also has an unhealthy dependency on alcohol and does not believe in mental health disorders such as depression and bi-polar disorder. He also does not believe in therapy or seeking help from professionals. Is there a detachment disorder or some form of mental block he could have? Where do you recommend researching this?

Response: This sounds really difficult and I can understand your motivation to get to bottom of why this behaviour has occurred - especially if your husband (who sounds like he is an ex-husband?) continues to have a relationship with you and your children. With that being said - relationships and mental health are very complicated and you are unlikely to find the answers you are looking for. In order for someone to be diagnosed with a mental illness or in order for them to identify what leads them to fall into particular patterns in relationship - they would need to be willing to seek help and honestly talk about their challenges, something that you say your ex is not willing to do.  While it might be a relief to understand what is going on with him - it might be more comforting for you to get support for yourself in processing your feelings and everything that has come up for you as a result of his choices.


Question: I was raped repeatedly when I was younger. I told my parents and action was taken, but now that I'm an adult, I suffer from extreme anxiety.

Response: While anxiety can come about for many reasons, trauma is definitely one of the factors that makes anxiety a possibility both immediately following a traumatic event and later in life. When we have experienced such scary violations of our bodies - we may experience residual effects of fear for many years to come. This is normal, natural and in many ways helpful - at least initially. This fear is in some way a sign that your body/mind is taking good care of you - trying to keep you on your toes in order to protect you from anything terrible happening to you again. However, as it sounds like you know, anxiety feels awful and there are certainly ways of learning to reduce anxiety. In order to get the tools you need to manage anxiety and also understand where it comes from and how it works in your life, I would encourage you to seek professional help and check out anxiety resources online.


Question: I Don't love my sister. I would never wish her harm, but if I could, I would wish for us not to be related. Is this cruel? Why must blood mean we have to be friends? Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to fix this? I do care about her, like I do every human being, but Id rather be with my friends than be with her at all. it's not just a "teenager phase." I still love my mom and dad, and I'm very close to them. However, it's my sister I Don't love or have ever really liked at all.

Response: Not liking someone is not cruel - even if it is a family member. There is nothing wrong with you for not liking your sister. Some people are fortunate to have siblings that they get along with really well, other don't. We all have different personalities and we are not going to like everyone - even if they are related. In fact, sometimes being related makes it harder because you know all of each other's flaws and imperfections. With that being said - it may be worth it to make an effort to talk about the things that get in the way of having the kind of relationship that you might ideally want with your sister. Sometimes it is hard to like someone if we have a lot of old frustration and resentment and being able to talk about it in a constructive and kind way can lead to more understanding and respect, and sometimes actually liking each other.


Question:
Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven.
When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety.
Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal.

Response: You might be surprised how normal you are. Anxiety is incredibly common and while your particular type of existential anxiety might be unique to you - it is very difficult for most people to really comprehend what happens after we die - regardless of the religious or philosophical belief systems we hold. It is the ultimate unknown and some philosophers and psychologists believe that at the root of our day-to-day anxieties is the fear of death or fear of the unknown.  Just as it can be really hard to comprehend the ending of life it can also be hard to comprehend an eternal existence. What these both have in common is that we are imaging a future that is ultimately unknowable and this unknown can provoke a lot of anxiety. Mindfulness based practices like meditation - maybe there is something like this in your religious tradition - can be very helpful in making peace with the unknown in the present moment. The more we can learn to live in the moment - the less we get hung up on anticipating outcomes for our lives that may never come true. Mindfulness practices can help you ground, be where you are , relax and regulate your nervous system so that you are able sleep and recuperate, and train your attention to focus on living the life you want to live now - rather than worrying about what happens after you die. Having said all that - it can be profoundly helpful to speak with someone about your anxiety - especially when you feel haunted by it, worry that you are crazy and can't get to sleep. There are lots of good therapists out there who can help you with your anxiety.


Question: I was raped by multiple men, and now I can't stand the sight of myself. I wear lingerie to get my self excited enough to have sex with my wife.

Response: I am very sorry to hear about your rapes.  Traumatic events, such as rape, can have some lasting effects.  Issues with sex drive are one of these effects.  Therapy can help to decrease the impact that traumatic events have upon our lives as we process through some of our experiences.   EMDR can be a particularly effective modality of treatment to address this issues.  I would also encourage you to have an honest conversation with your wife about this concern.  Sometimes it is helpful to have that conversation with a therapist so that the therapist can help educate  your wife in regards to effects of trauma.  This may help her understand that your feelings are more about the trauma and less about her as a person.  Best of luck to you!


Question: I was raped by multiple men, and now I can't stand the sight of myself. I wear lingerie to get my self excited enough to have sex with my wife.

Response: Hello Utah, thank you for writing with your question. Sexual assault or sexual abuse is a very traumatic event that affects victims in many ways. Your difficulty in feeling sexually engaged and your description of the shame and self-loathing you feel are normal responses to the rapes you experienced. A good therapist can help you to process your traumas and understand that you did nothing wrong to cause the rapes; the shame is not yours. It takes a very patient and loving partner, but you can make progress towards a healthier sexual relationship with your wife. These are issues that I cannot address more fully here other than to recommend that you seek the assistance of a qualified professional.


Question: My boyfriends sneaky and puts his friends before me. He fights just to leave. One day, he's happy. The next, he's mean and blames me for everything. He can't admit faults. He thinks he's perfect and does no wrong.

Response: Hi, Ontario. I live in the other Ontario; in Canada. I'll try to help you sort this out. You have a long list of complaints about your boyfriend! It sounds like he's maybe a bit immature and moody, and these things affect you, for sure. I get it. It's got me curious, and if I was working with you, I'd want to know a lot more about how long you've been together and what's actually working well between you two. I would also ask a lot of questions about the details of your description. What tells you he's 'sneaky'? Does he lie? How do you know he lies to you? Also, are you wanting to make things better with him, do you just want an ear to vent to, are you looking for validation, or do you hope someone will help you wake up to an unhappy situation?  It helps me if I know what you want.Whenever I meet someone who has a lot of complaints about their partner or boyfriend, I encourage them first to look at the language they're using. Some of your words tell me that you think you know what he's thinking (that he wants to fight so he can leave, that he thinks he's perfect). It's always tricky when we assume what someone's thinking, and in an argument or dialogue, these kinds of statements tend to lead to defensiveness and an escalated argument. I'd encourage you to focus on his actual behaviours and how they affect you, rather than the motives or beliefs you think are behind the behaviours (because you really can't know what he's thinking unless he tells you). As a general rule, the "When you do X, I feel Y" sentence goes far in helping others understand what we feel.So, it's fair to say "when you lie to me, I can't trust you", or "when you end our date early to hang with your friends I feel like I'm not important to you", or "your mood swings are difficult for me", or "I don't seem to get apologies from you". Try to focus on his actual behaviour when you talk to him about this stuff. A relationship counsellor can help you each understand the other better beyond the surface behaviours if you want to improve the relationship.That said, I have to ask...if you haven't been with Mr. Not So Great for very long, is it maybe time to rethink the relationship? Unless there is a balance of really loving and positive behaviours that you're leaving out, you don't seem happy. A good therapist can help you understand why you are stuck in an unhappy relationship, if that is what's happening. There's a lot to sort out here...how to communicate about your needs, how to know when to call it quits if something doesn't feel good... I wish you the best as you continue to examine these questions with assistance from friends or professionals.


Question: I Don't love my sister. I would never wish her harm, but if I could, I would wish for us not to be related. Is this cruel? Why must blood mean we have to be friends? Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to fix this? I do care about her, like I do every human being, but Id rather be with my friends than be with her at all. it's not just a "teenager phase." I still love my mom and dad, and I'm very close to them. However, it's my sister I Don't love or have ever really liked at all.

Response: Hi. My guess is there's a lot of deep history here that I don't know about. Have you felt hurt by your sister in the past, or are you just 'different people'? It's a common feeling people have about siblings; that they're very different and they wouldn't choose them as friends, but most people stay connected to family unless there's a good reason not to. We don't choose our family, do we? Your feelings are normal and they don't make you cruel. If you were mean to her, that might be a different thing. It might be considered cruel to cut her out of your life for no reason, but choosing to not hang out with her a lot isn't cruel, in my mind. Perhaps you at least owe your sister kindness and respect (if she respects you), but not necessarily friendship. How you respond here is up to you; there are no rules. You get to decide how much 'family' means to you and how much time you spend with friends or family. This may shift at different times in your life though. Cutting all ties with a sister now (you haven't said you want that though) might mean she won't want to be there for you in the future when you need her. Also, how you treat your sister affects your other family members as well. There are many things to consider here, but the bottom line is that you get to surround yourself with the people you want in your life.


Question: My ex-boyfriend, will not stop harassing and stalking me. We work together. I honestly think he needs help to move on. His accusations are angry lies. But I think he may believe them to be true.

Response: The specific laws about this will vary from state to state.  Generally, the only way to "force" someone to get mental health care is if they pose an imminent theft of harm to themself or someone else, or if they are unable to care for themself.  More importantly, is dealing with your safety.  Most states have laws that make stalking a crime. You might want to think about filing a police report and obtaining a restraining order against him.  You could also think about contacting a local counselor. While you can't force him to get help with moving on from the relationship, counseling could help you to deal with what is going on.


Question: My ex-boyfriend and I met over a year ago. We hit it off and fell in love pretty quick. However, he has trust issues and assumed I was cheating. When I found out I was pregnant, we had just broken up. Five months later, I lost the baby, and we did not speak for a few weeks. Now we are talking, and he says he loves me but is afraid I will hurt him "again." I just want to know where to go with this because I love him so much, and I want to get back to us being happy and a family.

Response: I'm truly sorry to hear that your relationship is causing you such distress at this time. When we are in relationships, trust is so integral to our satisfaction within the relationship.  Often, when we feel we are required to prove ourselves, feelings of resentment can replace those feelings of wanting to be supportive.  In situations like this, I often recommend being open and honest in your communication with your partner.  Your fears about his response are valid, as he made an assumption which you cannot disprove because you cannot battle against a shadow fact. If you feel comfortable doing so, you can always ask him why he is so concerned you are unable to remain faithful and challenge those beliefs with the facts that disclaim them.  You can also ask your partner what it is that he needs from you to help you to help him trust in your responses.  In the end, these are issues that you cannot conquer for him - you can only guide him and show him the path towards trust.  You may suggest couples counselling or that he seek out a professional to talk to, as well.  But in terms of your question, only you can decide whether you feel you can remain in a relationship in which you defend yourself against an uncommitted offense.


Question: My ex-boyfriend and I met over a year ago. We hit it off and fell in love pretty quick. However, he has trust issues and assumed I was cheating. When I found out I was pregnant, we had just broken up. Five months later, I lost the baby, and we did not speak for a few weeks. Now we are talking, and he says he loves me but is afraid I will hurt him "again." I just want to know where to go with this because I love him so much, and I want to get back to us being happy and a family.

Response: Trust is essential in romantic relationships and it is common to have trust issues - because the stakes are so high. If both of you are committed and willing to be fully honest with each other, trust can be repaired and become stronger than ever. I would encourage you to seek out professional help as it easy to get derailed by fear when trying to work things out in the absence of trust. When fear takes over - we tend to become defensive and act in ways that makes it harder to trust one another. In addition to getting professional support I would encourage you to learn more about building trust in relationships and deepening connection through accessing various online resources on relationships.


Question: She treats me like I'm not in her presence. she'ss always yelling at me for no reason. She gives more respect to my brothers than me, but only my brothers fight her while I respect her.

Response: Attention is not equal to love and being valued. It may be precisely because your brothers demand so much more your mom's attention through fighting with her that she pays more attention to them. It is a common situation in families where the "squeaky wheel gets the grease" and the siblings or family members who don't demand as much attention end up feeling invisible. It sucks to feel invisible and it is important that there is attention for you and that you know how much your mom loves and values you.  This sounds like an important conversation to have with your mom and if she is not able to really understand or help you address this concern you may want to suggest doing some family therapy where a skilled therapist can help you and your family work this out.


Question: After 25 years, I fell in love for the first time. The person acted for a week and left me without even saying goodbye. My heart is burning, and I can't take this pain.

Response: Ouch. Losing someone you love hurts so much. We all long to be loved and to love and to have that experience and then lose it is awful. While it is easy to feel angry or start doubting yourself under these circumstances, I would encourage you to recognize the agony of what you are experiencing as an indication of how much you value loving relationships and how much you want to make this happen in your life. When we are going through this kind of loss it is really helpful to have the support of friends and family. While no one is going to be able to make it better, we don't have to be alone with our pain. If you are not comfortable with going to those in your life it may be a good time to see  a counsellor to help you cope with your distress and learn how to move past this and find the love that you are looking for.


Question: I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that I'm okay when I'm not. I'm always blocking out the bad things and forgetting. I also feel like nobody cares for me and they never will. I feel truly alone.

Response: As social creatures, we humans all long for deep human connection. To know that we belong and are part of something larger. It is so important to us that when we feel alone - it can feel almost unbearable. You are not alone in feeling alone. While it can take time to build deep relationships there are moments in each day where we have the opportunity to interact with other people who may also feel lonely and scared and want to be seen and acknowledged. I wonder what it might be like for you if you took on an experiment of trying to really see the people around you and make little attempts to acknowledge and connect with them - fellow humans on this journey of life. A "good morning" at the bus stop or really looking at the person who you buy your groceries from or thanking or complimenting someone for something that you notice and appreciate. While this is not a substitute for close relationships these moments of real connection with the people who we share our communities with can go a long way to realizing that we are not as alone as we may have thought.


Question: I am currently suffering from erectile dysfunction and have tried Viagra, Cialis, etc. Nothing seemed to work. My girlfriend of 3 years is very sexually frustrated. I told her that it is okay for her to have sex with other men. Is that really okay?

Response: Hi, First and foremost, I want to acknowledge your efforts to gain (your) ideal erectile function. If the medications are not working and you have taken them as prescribed, I would encourage you to seek the help of a sex therapist as the dysfunction may be due to a psychological and/or relational issue rather than a physical/medical one. As for your question, only you can answer this. Is it OK? Are you OK with her sleeping with others? Have you thought through what this may look like, feel like, become for you and her? Opening up a relationship is a choice only the people in the relationship can answer. Even then, the answer may change at any point by either of you. I encourage you to also determine what the intention is underneath your telling your girlfriend she could sleep with others. Be clear with the intention and then together have continuous conversations about the expectations of opening up (i.e.: are there any kinds of sex that is off limits, areas of the body where touch or intimacy is not allowed, are uses of safer sex required or not, do you want to know the details or not, so forth). An excellent resource would be the book "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino. I wish you the best of luck!


Question:
I am constantly having problems with the same two people who will always be in my life. I had a daughter with my ex-boyfriend. I am now married, and my husband's ex-girlfriend is involved with my ex-boyfriend. They also have a daughter together. My issue is that there is always drama. I am pregnant, and I told my ex-boyfriend that I don't want any drama or arguments. I want to get along as much as possible, and he agreed. However, we just had an incident where my ex-boyfriend started discussing drop-off details about my stepdaughter. I told him that he needed to ask my husband because I can't make decisions about my stepdaughter regarding the matter. That led to an argument. I told him all my concern is when I pick up my daughter. My stepdaughter's pick-up details are between my husband and his ex-girlfriend. I especially told him I didn't want to be involved. Somehow, he turned it around and then wanted to change the schedule we agreed on. He threatened me and got ugly because I wouldnt discuss my stepdaughter's matters with him.

The point is there is so much drama. I try my best to get along with everyone. I don't understand where I went wrong (besides replying back to his question). I feel like I'm going crazy because this is a constant battle where everyones frustrations are taken out on each other, and it's the children that are hurting. I had a party planned for my daughter's birthday, and my ex-boyfriend told me to cancel those plans because he wouldnt let me have her. In my eyes, it's the child that is hurting. I was throwing a party for her birthday, and because of the problem with stupid pick-up details about my stepdaughter, which I have no control over, he took it out on our daughter.

Response: Hi. I appreciate your mature instincts and strong efforts to draw clear boundaries in this very complex situation. I agree that it sounds like the adult drama is unnecessary and potentially will affect the children. Children need adults around them to act maturely, cooperatively and peacefully even when they don't like each other; it helps them feel secure and lets them focus on learning and growing. Your ex-boyfriend seems more focused on his own needs. In fact, he demonstrates behaviours that are aggressive, controlling and manipulative, bordering on 'parental alienation'. I agree this is a problem.I also appreciate how protective you are of yourself at this vulnerable time with the pregnancy. It's not unusual for pregnancy to trigger a need to conserve energy and reduce stress. Honour this instinct you have. I will suggest a few things to you. First, to gather support around you, professionally if you need it, from family and friends, and certainly from your husband. If you two are on the same page regarding the children issues and your ex, that will help. He can help run interference when it comes to his daughter. It will help you feel supported.Know that your ex's behaviours aren't happening because you did anything wrong; it's the way he operates (and maybe this is why you're not with him?). You can't change him, but you can stop blaming yourself for his immaturity and aggression. You're correct that he will always be there, and you can both accept this fact and also find ways to manage the situation.Keep on defining clear boundaries! You might sound like a broken record ("You'll have to talk to my husband about that"), but that's okay. It's okay to ignore his efforts to pull you into an argument or power struggle. It's okay to not respond to texts or other communications that aren't vitally important. It's okay to not let him into your house if it makes you uncomfortable. It's okay to not engage with him more than is necessary.Regarding his manipulative behaviours that reflect a tendency to keep your daughter from you, I recommend you document these behaviours and incidents carefully and fully. Let him know what your expectations are, simply and clearly and in writing ("our agreement states X, and you are not following our agreement"). Your daughter doesn't have to be aware; I think you already understand that she needs to be protected from the adult conflict.A professional therapist can help you with all of this. I hope this helps get you started towards greater peace, at least within yourself. :)


Question: After 25 years, I fell in love for the first time. The person acted for a week and left me without even saying goodbye. My heart is burning, and I can't take this pain.

Response: Hi, San Diego. I'm sad that this was your first experience (in 25 years) with feeling in love. You deserve better. My understanding of today's (western?) social cultural norms is that it is somehow acceptable to abruptly stop communicating with someone you've been seeing, without explanation. I don't get it. It's rude. You're better off without this person around. There are still people who operate with respect, but this person isn't one of them.If I'm reading this right, you knew this person for a week? In my humble opinion, much heartache and many poor relationships come from attaching too soon. It takes years to get to know someone deeply. I know it's hard to keep yourself from falling in love, but you owe it to your heart to take these things more slowly, because everyone puts their best self forward at the beginning and it takes time for that to relax and for you to see who they are when times are tougher and real stuff happens.If I was your therapist, I'd be curious about how this is the first time you've fallen in love? Or is it that you were in love 25 years ago?  Was your heart broken then, or did something encourage your heart to close? What has kept you from either meeting people or letting yourself fall in love until now? Is there a danger that you will decide love isn't worth the risk? This is a crucial time for you to potentially seek professional support from a therapist in order to understand yourself and not shut down, if that's what happened before. :)


Question:
Every once and a while, I think about my ex-boyfriend from four years ago, and my current friend. it's like I can't get past it, and I need some kind of closure. I keep thinking about how we had something, but it got cut off due to parental intervention. Nothing was ever wrong with it. Now we've become friends, but there's this huge sexual tension between us, or at least I feel it when we're physically in the same place.

Two summers ago, we saw each other casually for a while, but we never had sex then or while we were dating, which was only for two months three years ago. I'm now in my 20s, and my current boyfriend is amazing and in his 30s. Despite the age difference, I know we're a really good match. We've never really fought and are able to make compromises and talk everything out. I tell him everything. Also, my ex-boyfriend has a girlfriend now as well. Hes been seeing her on and off for the past two and a half years, besides when they broke up and we had our casual thing. That summer, I told him I didn't want anything serious and broke it off. Only a week later, he had gotten back together with his girlfriend. His girlfriend is kind of mean spirited. I'm sure she may be different around him, but I worry about him committing to her in the long run. They're supposed to move in together soon. But still, I feel this connection with my ex-boyfriend, and I feel like he does too.

I don't know what to do. I need some closure or I'm not going to be able to move on from this. I don't know what it is, but it's driving me crazy. I'm so happy with my current boyfriend, and I know he will do everything in his power to make my life beautiful and fulfilling. Hes such a good person. I also know my ex-boyfriend smokes marijuana and does other things, but I can't get it out of my head. I'm trying to take a nap right now between classes, but I can't sleep because my mind is racing. I've never been so hung up on something for this long ever.

I want to just talk it out with my ex-boyfriend, but I don't know if that's a good idea because of the possibility that it could blow up in my face. If he told his girlfriend, everything could go wrong because she hates me. If my current boyfriend knew, he would be crushed. On one hand, I want my ex-boyfriend to say no to having feelings for me, but I would be terrified of what to do if he said he has feelings too. Where would I go from there? On the other hand, I feel like I can't move forward in my relationship with my current boyfriend without closure from this. Sometimes I wish I could just cut off everything that had to do with my ex, but I don't want to.

Please help me, because I really have no idea what to do.

Response: If you're in a relationship and you're having strong thoughts about someone else, it's important to pay attention to that. Although you say you're happy, I'd suggest looking really carefully at the relationship you have and whether you're getting everything you need. Is there a physical connection with your ex that you don't have with your current boyfriend? It could be that your boyfriend is marvelous in many areas, but that you just don't feel excited about him for some reason. That's a pretty important element to be missing.It may be that, even if you are happy with your current boyfriend, you still hold something special for your ex. If you feel the need to see what is possible there, I think you have to tell your boyfriend about that and end it with him first. You can't have everything.If you truly feel that you want to be with your current boyfriend, you will do well to stop thinking about and focusing on your ex, because thoughts of him will interfere with the growth of your current relationship. The grass isn't greener... A therapist can help you to focus your energies and thoughts on the present, rather than an imagined version of the past or future.