Question: We don't have sex a lot. I cheat when we argue. I don't kiss or have unprotected sex with them. It's a one time thing, and I never see them twice.

Response:
Hello, and thank you for your question. The question about
whether or not to cheat is based on personal values that can only be answered
by you. However, here are a few things to consider and questions to ask
yourself to help you find your answer:
1.
Do you feel like you are violating your own
values or morals? This is important, because we all have different values and
morals surrounding sex, love, and monogamy. If you value monogamous
relationships and find yourself cheating on your partner, then you may feel
like you are living in contradiction to your values, and most people are not
happy when they do that. However, if monogamy is not something you value, then
perhaps it is time to re-evaluate the relationship and determine if it is still
right for you. Not all people want monogamous relationships, and that
is alright. Finally, if you value your husband's feelings and know that the
affairs would hurt him, then your behaviors may again be in contrast to your
own values. That can only be determined by you.
2.      Based on how you describe your relationship, it
sounds like you are not very satisfied with the way it is.  From the outside, it looks like the affairs
are a way to get even with your husband or to feel better after an argument. This
is something that can happen when mutual respect starts to fade in a
relationship and gets replaced with contempt. We can simply stop caring about
how our actions hurt each other, or potentially hurt each other. Perhaps the
question to ask here is, when you look out toward the future with your husband,
is this the pattern that you want to keep? The pattern of very little sex,
argument, and then satisfying the pain or dissatisfaction with affairs.
 3.      What are your goals for this relationship? If we
start to become disconnected in a relationship, we can begin to do things on
autopilot. Get up, get the kids up, go to work, come home, and go to bed. None
of which requires any intimacy at all. Are you still able to see the hopes and
dreams you once had for this relationship?
 4.
Have you considered seeking marital counseling? Not
having affairs won't actually fix the part of the relationship that is leading
you to have them. If there is something broken, it sometimes requires some help
to get it fixed.
 Hopefully these questions and thoughts will help you come to
some kind of conclusion about what is right for you and your relationship. I certainly
wish you well.


Question: I love him, but he does not show me love. He talks badly about me to his friends.

Response:
Hello, and thank you for your question. Loving someone who
does not respect or treat you well can be enormously difficult and painful.
Many people who find themselves in an emotionally hurtful
relationship say that it was wonderful when it first started, but that over
time their partners behaviors changed and they became emotionally or
physically abusive.
I want to say right away that it is not your fault in any
way if someone is abusive to you. It does not mean that you are broken or that there
is something wrong with your character if you have not left the situation.
People stay for many reasons, such as fear, finances, children, pressure from
others, and love.
Many people have had to leave their abusive partners who
they still love to preserve their own safety and regain the sense of self they
may have lost. It is a very difficult thing to do, even if you know it is the
right thing.
The person who really needs to take a hard look at
themselves is the person doing the abusing.
It is very common for mental and emotional abuse to wear
away at someones self-esteem. This can lead to other problems, like depression
and anxiety. These issues sometimes require professional support to manage,
such as a counselor or perhaps a doctor who may prescribe medication.
A counselor may be able to help you sort through your fears
and concerns about staying or leaving. To look at things from different angles,
and to help you decide what is best for you.
You have not said that your husband has been physically abusive
to you, but if that has been the case, then you must consider your physical
safety first. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time.
Getting help from professionals would be critical, and I would recommend your
local domestic violence program.
Whatever you decide to do is the right thing for you. I
would encourage you to ask yourself honestly about your reasons for staying and
the barriers that may keep you from going. You do deserve to be happy and
emotionally safe. If you do not feel like you have that safety, then seeking
someone to help you sort through these things is a good plan.
I wish you well.


Question: My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.

Response: First of all, where did you find the pills? Did you have to go into her private space or things to find them? If so, you might want to do some research on codependency. I recommend the book "The Everything Guide to Codependency." You can find it here: https://www.amazon.ca/The-Everything-Guide-Codependency-codependent/dp/1440573905 . It's not honest to go searching through someone's things. You dislike the deceit in her, so why model it in yourself?If the pills were just left out, that's a different story. Again though, model honesty. Talk to about what you found. Avoid being accusitory. A good old "I found these...what's going on with this?" might be a good place to start. Tell her how it makes you feel. Have you ever heard of "I statements?" Google this....you will find a lot of good templates on how to frame this conversation. At the end of the day though, these are her choices. Not yours. All you can do is tell her how you feel, make a few gentle suggestions, and get back to taking care of you. If it gets to the point where seeing her downward spiral is too much for you, let her know this and tell her you can no longer be involved, for the sake of your own health and sanity. There is nothing wrong with trying to help, but ask yourself, are you really being helpful? If you are starting to feel resentful, know that you have crossed the line into codependency and back away.Hope this helps and all the best,Aleisha


Question: Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.

Response: Forgiveness takes time. You know what you did, and by the sounds of it you are not impressed with yourself. In my mind, this is a sign that you are a good person. You recognize that you did something that crossed your own moral code. You could have just done this thing and not felt anything - but you do feel. And that is OK. It's not supposed to feel good when you do something wrong.Be patient with yourself. These things can take time. I suspect that you will be one of those people who slowly let go of their shame and guilt. The trick is to feel the pain but to not ignore/detach from the life that you are living right now. Don't deprive yourself of the opportunity to feel joy again.


Question: My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.

Response: Your good intentions to help your friend stay clean, are very caring about her.Unless your friend feels like stopping pills,  taking them away will mean she finds them some place else.The problem that anyone who is addicted to pills has, is that the person is psychologically and at least with xanax, physically addicted.Taking pills has basically become a standard part of your friend's life.Her problem is bigger than your ability to care.If you haven't already done so, tell your friend directly about your opinion on the way she is using pills.This is not a guarantee that she'll stop.It isa way of you showing that you care about her.Offering love and advice are the only things you can do for her.Meanwhile, knowing she is hurting herself is probably hurting you.Be sure to keep a sense of balance within yourself.  Offer your concern and know she is the one who must decide to stop using.


Question: I constantly feel like everyone is up against me and trying their best to shut me down. It's ruining my mood and even my whole self. I have trouble sleeping, and I keep having sleep paralysis while dreaming of others mocking and judging me.

Response: The problem you describe sounds very wearing on your spirit.Are there particular reasons for why you feel everyone hates you?Have you been in a clash of ideas or opinions and feel yourself in the minority viewpoint?Or does your sense of being shut out start within your own mind, as though you anticipate that others will not like what you say?If actual conversations are leading you to feel left out, then evaluate whether to bring up certain points to the other person.Or, you may also decide that the relationships in which you feel shut out, are no longer worthwhile ones for you.If the problem is hesitating to interact because you imagine others will reject you, then maybe you can coach yourself into trying a small step toward introducing yourself and your thoughts to others.


Question: My parents seem okay with other sexualities, but normally they only talk about being gay. When they do talk about bisexuality, they say things like they'll do anything or things that make me very uncomfortable because I am bisexual. I don't know if I am ready to come out to them.

Response:
Hello, and thank you for your question. Being bisexual can be particularly
difficult because it is often misunderstood, even by people who are supposed
to be part of your own community, such as lesbians and gays. It happens so
often that there is actually a term for it
bi-erasure. This is simply something that happens when people deny that
bisexuality is a real thing, or discriminate against bisexuals due to beliefs
like your parents seem to have.
The unfortunate truth is that you can never
be sure of how you parents may take this kind of information. It sounds
promising that they are accepting of other sexual orientations, and it may
simply be that your parents lack education about bisexuality. With accurate
information, they may come around, but there is no way to be sure.
Some of my colleagues have already given you good information. Here are some more things that you can consider
and questions you can ask yourself before making the decision to tell them:

1.      If they Don't respond the way you want them to, have you developed a support
system to support you through it? This is very important. The truth is that all
the friends in the world won't prevent pain or sadness if your parents Don't
respond as you hope, but they will at least be there to remind you that you ARE
okay as you are. And that is critical for you to remember.

2.      There is great information on the internet about bisexuality that you can
offer your parents if you think it would be helpful. It may be important for
them to know the kind of damage that is being done to bisexual adults and young
people because of the myths surrounding bisexuality. Here is an article from
GLAAD about bi-erasure: http://www.glaad.org/bisexual/bierasure

3.      Coming out to people is obviously deeply personal and should only take
place when you are ready. Sometimes people get pressured from friends, media,
and even people they are romantically involved with to come out before they are
ready. It really is up to you. If you are feeling pressure from others, Don't
feel bad about setting your boundaries and telling them that you will come out
on your own time. Intimate partners should respect you enough to understand
this.

4.      Something else to think about is your own comfort in being bisexual. Just
because someone is LGBTQ does not mean that they necessarily want to be. Many
people struggle with this. Having
your own doubts or insecurities may also play a part in how comfortable you are
in telling your parents. So, perhaps do some self-exploration about your
feelings toward yourself.

Sometimes people take friends with them
when they decide to come out to their parents. This is something you may want
to consider. The important thing to remember is that you are okay. Really. If
your parents Don't respond well, that does not mean that they never will. Some
start off upset, but then work their way through it.
Best of luck to you.


Question: I feel like every time I do something someone asks me to, I never fully meet what they want. I feel that when I finish it, they always think that they should have picked someone else to do it. I feel like they just want nothing to do with me.

Response: It sounds like you have the perception that people are frequently disappointed in you, wish you were different or someone else, and ultimately reject you. One question I would have for you is what is your evidence that people feel this way? Is there anything in people's words or behaviors that gives you this impression? If your not sure, it may be useful for you to try to notice what people say and do in response to you, even though you perceive these attitudes within them. Additionally, working with a competent therapist may be a great way to get an answer to your question as well as developing ways to move forward with that answer and gain a sense of self-esteem and security in your relationships.One possibility that comes to mind, of which there may be more, is that as we grow up, we often develop relational templates, or sets of expectations about how people are and will relate to us, which influence our experiences and behavior in relationships. Sometimes the templates that we develop to stay connected growing up are not particularly adaptive for adult life and can hamper our self-esteem and capacity for comfortable intimacy as an adult. You ask a great question here, and one that can be very hard to see through, given the difficulty of feeling that people think of you in this way, and I hope that you will stay curious about this and consider working with a therapist who is trained to help you discover the answer.


Question: I'm a teenage girl, and my dad is an alcoholic. I hate being at home with him because he just stresses me out. He can be picking me up from basketball practice or piano lessons, and half of the time, I don't even know if he's sober or not. I refuse to get into the vehicle with him and walk home sometimes. I've either been barely sleeping or I over sleep, so I'm always tired. I live in a small town, so there's no one I can really talk to because I'm not really that close with my family.

Response:
Hello, and thank you for your question. You are clearly a
resourceful young person to reach out like this to find help. Good for you. I
have a few ideas and perhaps some other counselors will add some thoughts, too.

First, good for you for taking care of yourself and making
really good decisions such as not getting into the car with dad when he is
intoxicated. It is really important that you consider your safety above all
else.
To answer your heading question, yes, it is quite common for
people to blame themselves for other people's actions. There are various
reasons why we do this. For one thing, someone may tell us that their behaviors are our fault. And depending on things like our relationship to that
person, past experiences, and our self-esteem, we may actually start to believe
it. What is important to remember is that your parents have the responsibility
to be sure that you are safe and
cared for, not the other way around.
As for the other things you mentioned, I am concerned about both
your physical and emotional safety and well-being. It sounds like your father
has an alcohol abuse problem, and living with someone who is struggling with
addiction can be hard for anyone, let alone a teenager who is also trying to
deal with things like school.
You may want to see if your school has a counselor or
someone you can talk to about what is going on. I will tell you that in some
states, what you have told me may be something that a counselor would have to
report to child protection services, but not necessarily. If you are concerned
about that, ask the counselor what they are obligated to report.
If you Don't know a counselor, think about any other adult
that you would feel comfortable talking to. They may have some ideas.
Sometimes individual states have non-profit chat lines or
hotlines for teens to call if they are struggling with things. You may be able
to find something like that in your state. I do warn your about doing random
searches, not every website is good, so be careful.
This is clearly a tough spot for you to be in, so one of the
things that I encourage you to do while searching for support is to focus on
taking care of yourself. Sometimes things like this can really bring us down and
we stop doing the things we enjoy. Try really hard not to let that happen. If
you have interests, do them. If you catch yourself thinking too hard about
things, try to find something fun to do to distract yourself. Try to take care
of yourself in other ways, such as eating well. Exercise can really help when
we get stressed.
I hope some of this was helpful. Good luck.


Question: Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.

Response: Hello, and thank you for your question. Guilt is one of those things that nearly everyone has experienced at one time or another, and it can feel like a huge weight around your neck. Unfortunately, it is unlikely that we can give you some words of wisdom that will make it all go away. However, I will give you some ideas and hopefully this will help.One of the things that we know about guilt is that it doesn't usually do much to help us in the long-run. People may make changes for a short-term period of time because they feel guilty about something they did, but usually they will go back to their old behaviors if they don't have something else to help them change permanently, such as a new skill. So, guilt doesn't necessarily help us. In fact, as I write this someone out there is eating an entire key lime pie because they feel guilty about falling off their diet. Someone may be drinking alcohol because they feel guilty about drinking alcohol. For whatever reason, this is just a common thing that we do. Now accountability is different than guilt. Accountability can actually be constructive.  When you hold yourself accountable you can admit that you have done something wrong. That it hurt others and you deeply regret it. That you are prepared to take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. That you have done what you can to make amends, if necessary. That you are sorry. And then you move on. Why is moving on necessary? Well, for one thing, it doesn't usually help the people who you hurt. In fact, someone's guilty behavior may serve to remind the people who were hurt, over and over again, about what happened. Guilt is usually 100% about us, and not about those we hurt. Also, guilt can lead us to behave in ways that may even hurt people more. Having said all of that, guilt is a normal human emotion. Sometimes we experience it for a while and it goes away. Sometimes we need help to work through it. There are many self-help books about forgiving yourself. You can try Amazon to find some, or consider getting help from a counselor. Be well,Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC


Question: I'm in love with my own gender, and my parents are against that. I don't know how to tell them because I'm afraid they'll not want me anymore.

Response: Hello, and thank you for your question. This is one of those times when you wish you could assure someone that everything will go perfectly, but unfortunately I can't do that. There is no way of knowing how parents might respond until you tell them. The truth is that people have come out to their parents in many different ways. Some have told their parents directly, some drop hints, some have had others tell their parents, etc. The only "right" way to come out is the one that you choose. The one that feels right to you. That is the best way. Some people decide not to come out, and some wait for a very long time. Both of these things are okay. Coming out is deeply personal, and there can be real consequences to someone's emotional health and safety if they tell the wrong person. That is why it should only be done when you are ready. When you feel that you have the emotional and personal support that you need to take the risk. Sometimes people can feel pressured to come out, but I encourage you to do it in your own time. The truth is, there is a spectrum of how people's parents react to this kind of news. On one end, you may have the parents who shut a person out and are abusive, and on the opposite side you may have parents that are totally okay with it and throw you a "Coming Out" party. Most parents are going to fall somewhere in the middle. It is important to remember that their feelings may change over time. Many parents struggle at first, but they love their kids and get better with it over time. If you decide to tell them, consider taking someone along to support you. Plan ahead on what you want to say. It can be an emotional time, so do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you need to, leave. You don't have to stay anywhere where someone is being cruel to you. I wish you well, and good luck.


Question: I've had posttraumatic stress disorder for years without my parents ever finding out. I want to overcome it, but it's so vivid, it's like it's happening again. I'm scared and paranoid. I have depression, which I have been struggling with since a young age.

Response:
I understand that at times it's difficult to share with our parents what we have been trough, due to fear of judgment or punishment; but I have noticed that keeping our experiences secret, intensifies them.  And Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can haunt us for a long time if we do not learn to process the memories that cause those symptoms.  If you have been victim of a traumatic event that you are not prepared to share with your parents, it's important that you seek help with a counselor, therapist or psychologist.  Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a great technique to cope with physical symptoms, you could also use Narrative therapy, Creative Therapy or Journaling as a way to express memories and process them with your therapist.  A psychiatrist can also prescribe medication to manage the symptoms, but is very important that you address the trauma so you can heal and go back to live your life.   Many organizations like the United Way (2-1-1 in many states) offer resources and referrals to put you in touch with mental health providers, you could also talk to your school counselor, doctor or church to find referral that could help. Tip: You Don't have to tell you story to each person you ask for help, you can just start by asking for a counselor referral. ¿CÃ³mo puedo superar el Desorden de EstrÃ©s Post TraumÃ¡tico sin que mis padres se enteren?Comprendo que muchas veces puede ser difÃcil compartir nuestras experiencias con nuestros padres, muchas veces por miedo a que nos juzguen o castiguen; pero he observado cÃ³mo mantener un secreto, lo vuelve mÃ¡s fuerte y difÃcil de manejar.   El Desorden de EstrÃ©s Post TraumÃ¡tico puede ser una condiciÃ³n que nos persigue por mucho tiempo si no aprendemos a procesar las memorias que causan esos sÃntomas.  Si has sido vÃctima de un trauma que tal vez no estÃ¡s listo(a) para compartir con tus padres, es importante que busques la ayuda de algÃºn consejero profesional, terapista o sicÃ³logo.  La Terapia Cognitiva Conductual enfocada en el Trauma, es una tÃ©cnica que te ayudara a manejar muchos de los sÃntomas, tambiÃ©n puedes utilizar diarios o Terapia Narrativa o creativa, para expresar memorias y procesarlas luego en terapia.  Un Psiquiatra tambiÃ©n te puede proveer medicamentos que ayudan a manejar los sÃntomas del EstrÃ©s Post TraumÃ¡tico, pero es importante que atiendas el problema inicial para poder sanar por completo y volver a tomar las riendas de tu vida.   Muchas organizaciones como los Fondos Unidos (2-1-1 en muchos estados) tiene recursos que proveen referidos a consejeros o profesionales de la salud mental.  TambiÃ©n puedes preguntarle a tu consejero escolar, doctor o en la iglesia.
Sugerencia: No tienes que contarle a todos tu problema, solo pide que te recomienden a un consejero o terapista.


Question: I have had a crush on this guy for years. I last talked to him a few years ago when we graduated from high school. We left off on a good note. Should I message him and see how he is doing, or is it too late?

Response: You'll only find out whether or not it is "too late", by following through with wanting to message him.Regardless of whether the response you receive is what you'd hoped to hear, including not hearing back from him, you will have done yourself a great honor and respect by following through on a wish and curiosity you've had for some time.


Question: I'm having a quinceaÃ±era, and the girls don't like their dresses. They never told me, and now it's a week away. I don't know what to do.

Response: How did you find out that the girls aren't happy with their dresses?Did you hear this directly from one of them or is this third hand information that someone else told you about one of the girls in your party?The answer matters because gossiping instead of directly telling you about a problem, is a problem in itself.I suggest a conversation with the entire group of girls in which you tell them how you actually are feeling about their opinions about the dresses.One topic you may consider bringing up is what everyone expects to get out of the party.  Are they coming because they like one another and wearing a dress in which the girl is happy, is only one way of having fun together?You may learn a great deal as to the difference in values about a quinceaÃ±a among you and your friends.I hope you'll have a fun party!


Question: He isn't violent, but he has anger issues and deep insecurities. He's working on them and has improved. We started counseling, and he participated in one or two individual sessions, but we broke up again shortly thereafter. Now his constant questions and accusations are getting really draining.

Response: From what you write, you're not too happy with how your boyfriend treats you and how he handles his own life.What keeps you feeling connected to him in positive ways?If you're truly not happy most of the time in this relationship, then you're at the time of asking why you'd want to remain in a relationship which is draining.


Question: I feel like every time I do something someone asks me to, I never fully meet what they want. I feel that when I finish it, they always think that they should have picked someone else to do it. I feel like they just want nothing to do with me.

Response: As long as you try to reach others expectations you will never feel satisfied or accepted.  How about setting your own expectations for self and strive for those.  Make sure your expectations are reachable and realistic.


Question: I got sick really bad and was throwing up for three days and nights. I thought I was going to die. Then about a week later, I started having this desire to be female. I never had this desire before. All I can think about is being a woman. I don't get pleasure from my penis anymore either. Women are attractive, but not like before. I can also find men attractive now. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone.

Response:
Hello, and thank you for reaching out to ask for help. Surely this is a very confusing time for you! If you have never had these
feelings and desires it could certainty shake everything you thought you knew
about yourself.
My guess is that you becoming sick around the time that this
started is likely a coincidence, but I understand how you would make the
connection.
I have a feeling that a few things may be going on here. It
is really hard to say since I Don't know you, how old you are, etc. But, I will
share you with you some thoughts.
Some people, when they have undesirable thoughts that really
surprise them, have a really tough time getting rid of them. Our reaction to
the thought can be very strong and our tendency to try to block it out, stuff
it, avoid it, etc. is not always successful. In fact, it's usually not.
it's like telling you not to think of pink elephants. I
would be willing to bet that you thought of a pink elephant just now.
So, rather than fighting thoughts that you find confusing,
sometimes it is helpful to allow yourself to explore the thought with curiosity
and without judgement. Where is this thought coming from? What are my feelings
about it? Asking yourself these questions may help you come to a resolution
about what is going on.
One possibility is that you have developed an anxiety about
your thoughts and now you are in the process of obsessing about them, but
another possibility is that you are legitimately exploring your sexuality and
gender. I get the feeling from your question that you do not want to believe
that it is second possibility. And that is okay.
You can try some of my suggestions, but you can also see a
counselor who may be able to help you work through your confusion. I would
suggest someone who has experience working with sexuality issues. You can
usually find out what a counselor works with on their website. What is
important is that you find someone who is non-judgmental about what you are
experiencing.

I wish you well.


Question: Last year, I just always felt hopeless. I don't have a great relationship with my sister. I lost my mother recently, and that really added to my sadness. My sister always brings up how I was never close to my mother.

Response: Wow what a painful journey you have been in for a long time. Death and grief bring up so many painful reminders of relationships--what they could have been, never were, and what was lost. With death of a family member the family often falls apart for a while... or longer. I hope you can find some support for you and your pain that was occurring before your mom's passing. I also hope you can find someone to help you set boundaries with your sister so you can have your time (as long as you need) to heal from losing your mom and then later figure out how to interact with your sister.


Question: It happens especially at me and my sister, and then she gets emotional and brings up the past. How should I deal with it? She is always stressed about her work and doesn't put her family first.

Response: Anger is a normal emotion, and yet it is a really hard one... how much is too much? and how do you express it without damaging those around you? yes mom's get angry, sometimes too easy... but its their responsibility to manage their anger-- get their own support and put themselves in time outs when they cannot handle it well.  Since you are the kids, you shouldn't have to fix or calm down mom's anger. Maybe in a calmer time when you guys are being silly talk with her one on one? Tell her  you are feeling sad and hurt that she gets upset at you girls. Ask her if there is 1 thing you can work on this next month to help her. Ask her if she would work on 1 thing for you this month-- not yelling? taking a time out? telling you before she blows her top so you can exit the room? Also for you, check out a library book on anger so you know how to handle yours, and one on parents and anger. Number one to remember, if you don't feel safe, if she is calling you names, or hurting you, breaking things etc. make sure you go to a trusted adult--school counselor, neighbor, aunt, church friend as soon as possible. You are much too important to be hurt and if mom is out of control, someone else needs to be --caring for you.


Question: I am in my mid 30s. I feel I have used only 5% of my potential. I am in film making, but everything is stuck. I've never had a serious relationship. I had worthless jobs. I do a lot of meditation to try to fix it.

Response: Being stuck in life is difficult, especially when you are feeling it in many different areas of your life. So you if you are ready for a change... time to make one! Make a list of the resources in your area--community colleges, friends, free classes, volunteer opportunities etc. Make a list of your passions and absolute "no way" things in life. Make a 5 year plan... where do you want to be in 5 years... then start breaking it down ... what do I need to do this year to make it to next year. Break that down into months... check in with friends/families/co workers etc to see what they see in you both good and bad. Take a deep breath and choose 1 thing to work on to get better in life according to them. Seek out any free training/counseling on career changes and life changes. You already began this by asking this forum for help Awesome! Use the peace and calm you find in meditation to spring board you to make some changes in your behavior--try new things, change poor choices etc. Use the meditation to give you peace while you make the changes. Good Luck!


Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We go to different schools, and we don't see each other that often. I just feel very paranoid that there's someone else or that he could be hiding something from me.

Response: Paranoid is a mental disorder word.  That is a strong word I think to use in this situation.  Honestly the bottom like is either you don't trust him for some reason or you are insecure with yourself.  Which is it?  Do some soul searching to help you figure which one it is.   Work on either discussing why you don't trust him and work on building that trust ....or why you feel you are not good enough and work on that.


Question: i was addicted to porn since the second grade. I'm in my early 40s and overcame my addiction during my separation from my wife of 15 years.

Response: The person who can answer this question is the person you want to rebuild that trust with.  They are the only one who can tell you what it will take for them to trust you again.  What they tell you may seem hard or impossible but unfortunately that is what THEY need.  It is up to you if you feel and know you can provide what they request.


Question: I have PTSD from childhood events and other traumas as an adult. I have panic attacks, nightmares, anger, and at times depression. I feel like I'm always on the edge or just apathetic. Can I fix this by myself?

Response: I will not say that you can't but I will say it will be much harder and the time may take much longer.  Getting help and having someone to be there with you through the ups and down of PTSD makes the journey much easier.


Question: My son claims that hes been having extremely violent thoughts and dreams. Not violent like he's hurting someone, but violent thoughts like horrible things happening to his loved ones. He explained one of his dreams the other day and it was so violent it was sickening. It was far beyond anything in a horror movie, he says he can't help these thoughts they just pop up. Please help!

Response: If your son is reporting "extremely violent thoughts and dreams" please have an psychological evaluation done by a psychiatrist now before it gets even worse for him to bare.  Don't take his reports lightly.  For him  to tell you, he knows that something is not right.  He is seeking and needing help.  Get it immediately.  Best to be safe than sorry.


Question: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We go to different schools, and we don't see each other that often. I just feel very paranoid that there's someone else or that he could be hiding something from me.

Response: Have you spoken to him about your fears? Perhaps you can explain this feeling to him and let him know what might lead to feeling more secure.  Also, it is important to trust your intuition!  Perhaps there are good reasons to feel concerned. It may not be paranoia - it may be based in reality!


Question: What should I do when we see each other?

Response: I am so sorry this happened.  Sharing a part of your private life without your permission can be so painful.  I might suggest (depending on your relationship) reaching out to your sister and discussing this (or setting boundary that you don't want to discuss your private life).  I might also speak with your wife and share how hurt you are and what you need to happen moving forward to begin to heal.


Question: I have been noticing myself really enjoying watching/reading about gay or lesbian couples. I've also been imagining what it might be like to date a girl, and I like the idea. I also find guys cute too. Does this make me bisexual?

Response: Hello!  Thank you for your question.  Exploring your sexual orientation and attraction is a wonderful opportunity to get to know yourself!  I would be curious to know what feelings you might have related to the possibility of being bi; What messages you may have received related to this orientation and any concerns you have about possible sexual orientations.


Question:
I feel like I was born in the wrong body I feel like I should be a girl not a boy
Ever since I was young, I have wanted to be a girl. I felt like what I was wasnt me. I want to know what I can do about it. My family is against transgender people and don't want anything to do with them. I want to be me. I feel as if I'll be happy then. I don't look in mirrors, and I don't like my reflection. Recently, I have been taking things to help even though they were not prescribed. I know I should have this handled by a professional.

Response: Hi. Do you have any opportunity to work with a therapist?  It sounds like it might be really great to explore these feelings. If you aren't able to, there are many awesome gender work books available that you could use to explore your thoughts and feelings. Also - google "ask a gender therapist" - so many amazing video blogs to answer many questions!  Good luck!


Question: It happens especially at me and my sister, and then she gets emotional and brings up the past. How should I deal with it? She is always stressed about her work and doesn't put her family first.

Response: You are very wise for a young person. You have already figured out that other people's behaviours...how they treat you...it's not about you...it's about them. I love that you don't blame yourself for your mom's behaviours. It's not your fault. She's getting upset because she doesn't know how to manage her emotions, and these emotions have to do with her past and her present stress. You're just the trigger. Yes, this is normal, but it's not necessary. She can find another way to manage her "stuff".Unfortunately, you can't help your mom a whole lot or even help her recognize this. But for yourself... remembering that her behaviours are her issue is the biggest piece of "dealing with it". You can always try some new strategies when you talk to mom...you can say "I'll listen you better if you don't bring up past stuff", or "I'm worried about you mom. You seem stressed", or even "I don't like the way you talk to me". Good luck!


Question: I am currently suffering from erectile dysfunction and have tried Viagra, Cialis, etc. Nothing seemed to work. My girlfriend of 3 years is very sexually frustrated. I told her that it is okay for her to have sex with other men. Is that really okay?

Response: Hello, and thank you for your question. I completely agree with Dr. Zehner. Many couples are in open-type or polyamorous relationships where one or both partners engage in sexual relationships with others. The key thing about this is that it really does have to be something that both people are okay with. Now, as Dr. Zehner indicated, what may be okay today may not feel okay tomorrow, so good communication is essential. The truth is, even in polyamorous relationships where partners are in agreement, jealousy does sometimes happen. Here is a good article about polyamorous relationships and the issue of jealousy: http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/polyamorous-dealing-jealousy/This site has many other articles about polyamory. If you type in "polyamory" in their search box, you will find some good information. I wish you well,


Question: My grandma had a stroke and passed away recently. I lost my home and job. I'm looking but haven't found a job. I've been binge watching television and binge eating.

Response: Hello!I write to respond to your recent inquiry for possible increase in self-esteem and positive behavioral change regarding motivation for a new job. First of all, please try to allow yourself some time for grief of the loss of your dear grandmother. It appears you were close to her in many ways and she had a great influence in your life. The grief process of anger, denial, despair and acceptance may be a part of what is keeping you feeling "stuck" in a cycle of not feeling motivated to find work at this time.  Perhaps your mind is constantly fighting this grief? Death can be a "traumatic" experience for some people and is considered a great loss, thus the grief process may continue to be a part of your world for a time but hopefully not keep you "stuck" on a long-term basis.  I would try to reach out to a counselor to discuss this grief process at a deeper level to discern whether her death is part of why you feel this way.  Grief and loss can also have an effect on your self-esteem.  Can you begin to see how this cycle is what you may be experiencing? One positive I see is that you are continuing to look for a new job!  Take time to give yourself some credit for the  time you are spending looking for work.  Also, I would recommend you set some short-term goals first for example, make a list of 5-10 potential new employers and send them each your resume. Then followup the next week with an email or phone call to make sure the hiring manager or human resources received your resume and have any questions.  It is also a good idea to ask for "informational interviews" in order to get your foot in the door, so to speak.I hope that this information is helpful to you!  Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.Warmly,Denise


Question: My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health.

Response: How can I get my mother to listen to me without her freaking out?Communication with our loved ones can be tricky, but it is the key to maintaining a healthy and functional relationship with them. At times, it seems difficult to communicate with our family because many feelings and undercover messages are attached. Especially with our mothers, who often provide advice and feel responsible for us, it may feel like they are making everything about themselves as they express their worries and concerns.So what to do? First will be important to practice active listening skills, to ensure that you are receiving and understanding the message, without filtering it trough your own emotions or preconceptions of the person who speaks.  Second, learn and practice assertive communication skills.  Those will help you to communicate a message clearly and in pieces.  It also emphasizes using I-statements to express how you feel at times when emotions become affected by the interaction.  Third, you should practice, by writing your I-statement or role playing with your counselor.   The trick with communication skills is that we need to practice them as often as possible until you to master them.  You can also contact a family therapist to improve those skills if it becomes challenging, or contact a mediator if more issues arise.¿CÃ³mo puedo lograr que mi mamÃ¡ me escuche sin alarmarse tanto?La comunicaciÃ³n con nuestros seres queridos puede ser dificultosa, pero es la clave para mantener relaciones saludables y funcionales con ellos.  A veces, nos parece aun mÃ¡s difÃcil comunicarnos con nuestra familia, porque hay muchos sentimientos y mensajes envueltos en la comunicaciÃ³n.  Especialmente nuestras  madres,  pueden hacer parecer que estÃ¡n convirtiendo el asunto en algo personal, cuando se sienten preocupadas y responsables por nosotros y nuestras acciones.¿Y quÃ© hacemos?  Primero debemos aprender a escuchar activamente, para asegurarnos de que comprendemos el mensaje, y que no lo estemos filtrando a travÃ©s de nuestras emociones e ideas de la otra persona. Segundo, aprende y practica comunicaciÃ³n asertiva.  Esto te ayudara a comunicar un mensaje claramente y en pedazos.  TambiÃ©n te ayudar a aprender expresiones del Yo, para identificar sentimientos afectados durante la interacciÃ³n.  Tercero, es importante que practiques estas destrezas, ya sea escribiendo o con tu consejero.  El secreto estÃ¡ en practicar las tÃ©cnicas de comunicaciÃ³n cuantas veces sea posible, hasta que las uses espontÃ¡neamente.  Si tienes dificultad aprendiendo estas tÃ©cnicas, o el conflicto con tu mama es uno muy difÃcil de resolver, puedes contactar un consejero o mediador familiar para que te asista.


Question: Me and my adult daughter just do not get along. She's very belittling to me when I don't agree with her. It's almost like she scolds me. We get into all out war. She's said I don't support her in what she does and that I've never loved her. She calls me horrible names, and she pushes my buttons to the point I call her names.

Response: As frustrating and probably hurtful as your daughter's comments sound, there's also a message in them about how she genuinely feels.To some degree, your daughter and you may both feel similarly misunderstood by the other.Developing ways of listening and talking to one another to better understand how you each feel, would probably help a lot.One major point to be aware, is that the mother/daughter relationship dynamic, because it is strong, may slow the new dynamic of relating as two adults.Watch for your own tendency to expect your daughter to consider you as a parenting authority, instead of considering her as a grown person.The same is true of your daughter.  She may need to remind herself to talk to you as the adult she is.Her needs from you are real, they just need to be spoken to you in an adult way.


Question: I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?

Response: From whom do you get anti-depressants?This person should be talking with you to know whether the pills are helping or not.Trust your own instinct that the pills aren't helping you.Pills work differently for everyone and not all people feel better from them.It is also possible the particular pills have lost their effectiveness because after around six to eight months, this usually happens.Try to understand what is depressing you.  This is slow work since you may have many theories.Just by addressing your own emotional needs and life structure in a caring and respectful way, may improve your mood so that you'll feel less depressed.


Question: I terminated my counseling relationship with a social worker several years ago. I am now realizing that I would like to begin counseling again. The social workers voicemail message says that he returns calls in 24 hours, but he hasn't called me back. I called him on the weekend and made it clear that I want him to call me back. Can he just ignore me?

Response: Yes, your former social worker should return your phone call.It is the professional ethic to do so and plain human decency to do so.If he doesn't, there is nothing you can directly do about the fact of his ignoring you.There are formal complaints you can make, which you can consider doing.What matters most is receiving social work service.Stick with looking for another social worker who is willing to help you.The self-doubts you mention may be worth examining.They do not, however excuse the social worker mishandling himself.


Question: My long-term girlfriend broke up with me recently. She says it's because of my anger.

Response: I need help controlling my anger.Anger is like a blanket that contains other emotion from bursting out and serves as a shield to protect us when we are not able to manage external issues.   Anger also helps us understand that There's something wrong that needs to change.  Once we understand that something else caused us to feel angry, then we can explore the source of anger. Ask yourself: Why am angry, Am I hurt, disappointed, confused, embarrassed etc.?  Once you find the answer, explore how often that happens and what's your reaction.  Then explore how else you could respond or react.  You could use I-statements as a way to communicate your true feelings to your girlfriend or whoever is involved in the scenario.  This is a good exercise to practice with your Counselor or mental health provider because many unresolved issues may arise during this exploration, especially if you have been angry for a long timeAlso, it is important to understand the difference between anger and aggression and learn to manage our anger before we act on it.  Anger is a feeling; aggression is when you act out your anger physically, verbally and psychologically.  Find ways to vent: crying or sweating will help to release your anger, and balance the chemical response that our body creates when you become angry.  Physical activity and meditation exercises can also provide a break when you manage strong emotions.


Question:
How do I ever trust another woman? I have found myself constantly reading between the lines with every other woman that I meet. I am having a difficult time making any sort of connection to anyone because of her deception and willingness to say and do literally anything in order to control my emotions.
Once the "relationship" was over, she became extremely abusive and has attempted to intimidate me into silence regarding the many false claims made on her immigration application.

Response: I'm sorry to hear about that situation. If the woman was your therapist (or had been at one time), this could represent a significant ethical violation when she created a dual relationship with you.Even if you were not her client, this might still be an ethical violation. Counselors are held to a high standard of conduct and honesty at all times.In a situation like this you might consider filing a complaint with the state regulatory board.


Question: Can a counselor take sides with one parent and allow a parent to order the child to tell the counselor "every detail" about what happened during the other parent's visitation in order to help build a case for child custody?

Response: <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priorit


Question: I always feel the need to impress people, whether it's my family, the people at school, or just random people. I know that no matter what I do or how I change, there will always be some people who hate me. Why do I feel this way?

Response: It is normal to seek other's attention and noticing that some people would not be interested.  After all, we belong to a social environment where we constantly receive other's feedback, which at times validates us, makes feel important and useful, like we belong; but also at times makes us feel isolated, different and neglected, which we could interpret as hate.The key is to be aware of what you think about what people think of you.   Got it?  This part can be tricky at times, because, what others think about us does not really affect us, what really affects us is what we decide to believe, internalize, and make our reality.  For example, I could choose to ignore a person's comment about me, or I could decide to focus on it all day, analyze why they said that and what have I done to them to get to that conclusion.  Eventually, since we became so focused on that thought, we may end up believing that what the other person said about us was true, even if we did not agree to begin with.So how can we fix this?  Awareness is the key!  It is important that you understand the way you internalize external inputs, like comments, and to go through a process of discarding negative ones.  It is also helpful to talk to your counselor about how you process feedback and validation so you learn to balance your positive traits from negatives and how that affects your relationships and self-esteem.


Question: When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.

Response: You are in an abusive relationship-not because of your boyfriend's silences but because he is comfortable being sarcastic and hurtful, never admits he is wrong and never apologizes. It is your choice to participate in an abusive relationship. You can not stop an abusive partner from being abusive no matter how wonderfully you treat your partner. You can either accept the terrible relationship as it is or reach out for the support that you need to leave the abusive relationship. I wish you well, always.


Question: I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.

Response: Your challenge is called "co-dependency." People seek approval from others in an obsessive way when they are failing to truly accept themselves. I encourage you to truly love yourself and know that you have every right to every sensation, emotion, thought, and inspiration that you may have. Best of luck on your journey.


Question: I'm a guy. If I don't like girls, nor do I like guys, does that mean I'm gay?

Response: No, it does not necessarily.  Your sexual preference is based on who you ARE attracted to, not what does not turn you on.  If you find you have no sex drive at all, this is called asexual.  But you did not mention what you do find arrousing either.  Hope this helps.


Question: I'm fine when we start becoming intimate, but out of nowhere, I will get a flashback of what happened to me in the past. I start hysterically crying and freaking out when my boyfriend obviously has done nothing to hurt me.

Response: Have you sought the support of a therapist really qualified in working through sexual trauma? It can take some work, but healing is possible. If you feel able to, it may also help to open a dialogue with your boyfriend about what you need from him when you have these flashbacks. Let him know what some helpful responses may be.


Question: I blame my past relationship for it. I know it is bad to be this way. I want to get past it.

Response: We humans are social beings. We learn how to BE in relationship as children. The caregiving you received (or didn't receive) set the stage for how you show up in all your adult relationships. Insecurity in relationships often has much to do with feeling unheard or unseen, perhaps feeling like you don't matter. There are many ways to rewire these relational patterns, the first step of which is taking pause and noticing that you are feeling insecure - so congrats on that because clearly you are already there!  Next I'd suggest finding a relationship therapist to help you sort through your insecurities, either as a couple or individually.


Question: I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.

Response: From what you describe about yourself, I agree with you that ending your former relationship was a very wise decision.The nightmares and flashbacks show that you were deeply affected emotionally and on the foundations of your basic nature.The way for these to stop is by the slow process of realizing how badly injured and frightened you were of your former partner.Once you've stabilized yourself by accepting the tremendous harshness that was part of the former relationship, then the nightmares and flashbacks will disappear gradually usually, maybe all at once.There is a possibility too that your former relationship connected with being emotionally ignored, abandoned, treated harshly during your time of growing up years.Since generally people choose partners who relate similarly to the ways in which they felt treated by parents, it is possible that you had been badly treated while growing up and weren't aware of this until going through this terrible relationship.Congratulations on ending your relationship!


Question: I blame my past relationship for it. I know it is bad to be this way. I want to get past it.

Response: How did you come to the conclusion that you are acting needy?Is this what your partner told you or are you feeling this way about yourself?The difference is that what you'd like from a relationship may be very reasonable, only that your partner is not someone who wants to meet your needs.One way of evaluating whether you're actually needy is whether you feel that you give yourself love, take good care of yourself when you're in situations that are not connected to being part of a couple.If being by yourself feels uneasy most of the time, then probably practicing self-love, consciously treating yourself with consideration and thoughtfulness, may help you feel less needy of others.This way, when you're with a partner, the time together will be in enjoying the partner, not getting love because of not figuring out a way of giving love to yourself.


Question: I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?

Response:
Certainly counselling can help. however, there is a caveat, namely, you will need the right counsellor with the right approach. This leads to two questions: 1) What are the identifiers for the right counsellor, and 2) What is the right approach?1) What are the identifiers for the right counsellor? The right counsellor will almost certainly have a lot of experience. He or she will have done a lot personal work and have an ongoing practice of inner work both on their own and with the support of an experienced therapist. This person will be viewing you as a human being with challenges, not as a diagnostic category. He or she will be willing to work with you over an extended period of time and have experience doing such work. Further they will be well versed in approaches that are responsive to you in the moment and overall. The in-depth work will be collaborativel designed in an ongoing way that is responsive to you, the moment, your overall life experience, and their in-the-moment experience. It goes without saying that you will subjectively evaluate the felt sense of connection with this person and the feeling that they are invested in their work with you, value you as a human being, and value the connection. As well, it is crucial that you feel this connection and that your therapist 'gets you.' 2) What is the right approach?  As Carl Jung stated, "When the doctor sits down with the patient he (or
she) must drop all theories and learn the theory of this person." The approach must include a bond between you and your therapist that is in a continuous process of development, attention to pre-verbal imprinting, development of awareness ability, ongoing development of the ability to attend to and stay with inner experience, development of a process orientation, attention to egoic structures that were seeded from the earliest days in the service of perceptions of threats to needs being met, identification of current egoic states and work with these inner selves and their relationship with each other to facilitate movement from developmental points of arrest, increased ability to access and contain non-ordinary states of consciousness, attending to what is, and working with this in the service of moving towards optimal human development.depression is generally experienced as the system shutting down. anxiety is a signal that something is wrong. anxiety is not the problem. it is a sign that there is a problem. the core of these issues is a lack of inner security that is the outcome of insufficient bonding. the work of psychotherapy is to establish an environment and relationship that will facilitate work with the bonding ruptures and re-initiation of the developmental process that stopped at an early stage.


Question: I have PTSD from childhood events and other traumas as an adult. I have panic attacks, nightmares, anger, and at times depression. I feel like I'm always on the edge or just apathetic. Can I fix this by myself?

Response: When it comes to trauma, especially in the event that it has caused you to develop PTSD, there can be a lot of difficulty in attempting to resolve these issues on your own simply because of how strong your urge to avoid it whenever thoughts of the traumatic experience come up. PTSD is best treated with the help of a mental health professional and if using the Cognitive Processing Approach can be treated in as few as 17 weeks. As for your other concerns, many of these can be treated independently if you have the motivation to manage your way through. Panic attacks and depression, specifically, often respond well to self-help treatment manuals. The Centre for Clinical Interventions is a great online resource for workbooks to help you learn to manage the depression and panic attacks. Whether you decide to work through these concerns on your own or in professional therapy, just know that your panic attacks must be managed prior to addressing your trauma. Hope this is helpful and if you have any other questions don't hesitate to ask.


Question: I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.

Response: A lot of times when you're experiencing nightmares and flashbacks, it can be a sign that you haven't fully processed what happened. Our brains tend to replay scenes in our life that we wish had turned out differently or  in an effort to desensitize us to it.  If you are comfortable with it, you may want to consider sharing what you're experiencing with your current partner so that he is able to understand what's going on. Also, you may want to consider  what parts of your past relationship you blame yourself for. This can be a difficult task to undertake on your own, and the help of the therapist may be necessary to sort through the memories in a safe way.  Typically however, flashbacks and nightmares are a sign that the trauma  of what you went through needs to be addressed.  it's a great thing that you were able to have the courage to get out of that relationship and you should be proud of yourself for that.  You may want to  begin therapy to address these traumatic memories and help you to sort through any conflicting emotions you have about it (i.e.  Feeling like it's your fault for not recognizing the abuse or getting out of the relationship sooner, blaming yourself for being  " The kind of person who gets into an abusive relationship ",  or believing that you somehow caused your ex to abuse you in some way.)  These types of beliefs and feelings can prevent us from moving past traumatic experiences and a trained therapist can certainly help you sort through them.


Question: When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.

Response: This sounds very hurtful for you to be on the receiving end of this. You can ask yourself " what am I learning from the way I am being treated? "  and consider whether or not this is in fact either (1)  A message or value that you agree with and believe will strengthen your relationship and help you to grow as a person or (2)  A message or value that is damaging to the relationship or  to your view of your self and others.  Once you've considered that and come to your own conclusion, you will likely know what you need to do.  If you're still stuck, you may want to consider seeing an individual therapist for yourself  to process your feelings about the relationship or a couples therapist with your partner to work on improving your communication with each other.


Question: I'm fine when we start becoming intimate, but out of nowhere, I will get a flashback of what happened to me in the past. I start hysterically crying and freaking out when my boyfriend obviously has done nothing to hurt me.

Response: Sexual intimacy can be very triggering for survivors even when it is both wanted and consensual.  You may want to consider seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma to work through the abuse if you have not already done so. Often times triggers still hold such a powerful effect when the emotions related to the abuse  have not been fully processed.  In the meantime, you may want to consider coming up with a Safe Word to let your partner know that you are being triggered or to communicate your physical boundaries to him.  Often times, the experience of communicating  your physical boundaries to your partner, having those boundaries respected and validated, and having a partner who is understanding and  willing to engage in intimacy in such a way that does not violate your physical boundaries  can reinforce a sense of safety with him.


Question: I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?

Response: My initial response:  consider a more comprehensive MH assessment to determine other factors. A medical evaluation is warranted to rule out poor health issues. Blood work is helpful. Review what hadn't helped.


Question: I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.

Response: Ending an abusive relationship is often very difficult, especially if you were very close initially without the presence of abuse.  If the abuse included verbal or psychological condemnation, you will often have a negative self-image that you may "know" is not true but often feels very true. This negative self-image and fear of being abused again can activate protections in you that were needed at the time you were abused but now create a "wall" in your current relationship.  The fact that you were able to end the relationship and know that you made the right decision is a great acknowledgement that you have solid internal resources to draw upon in healing from the abuse.  Good for you!Nightmares and flashbacks are a strong sign of memories, including associated beliefs, emotions, and physical sensations, that have remained unprocessed and therefore unhealed.  There are likely reminders (called triggers) of the past abuse that are being activated in your current relationship that are allowing these unhealed memories to come to the surface and affect both your sleep and your waking experiences.  This is certainly not something you are purposefully doing but is the result of what happened to you.  However, you likely feel as if you are not in control.    The goal is protect your current relationship, evaluate your self-image for flaws in beliefs and feelings, and begin working on healing your memories of abuse. In many cases, my use of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) would be helpful in reducing the emotional strength of your abuse memories, reduce or eliminate triggers, bring healing, and allow you to enjoy being in the present with your current relationship.  I would recommend discussing with your current partner your harmful past experiences, your decision to pursue counseling, and your strong desire to be healthy for your current relationship.  With a good support network in place, healing is very possible.


Question: My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health.

Response: Could you tell her ?  What would happen if you said "Mom, I love you and I really want to share myself with you, but often I you get upset and I don't want that to happen. I really want to be able to talk to you."


Question: I'm a guy. If I don't like girls, nor do I like guys, does that mean I'm gay?

Response: It doesn't sound like you are finding yourself attracted to anyone.  It could mean that you just haven't connected with anyone you find attractive, or that you are asexual - essentially not oriented toward anyone.  I would suggest doing some reading on asexuality and see if it connects to how you feel!


Question: I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.

Response: EMDR therapy has shown great results for work with PTSD symptoms which are similar to what you described. If you are unable to find a local EMDR specialist then I would suggest some meditation and journaling in addition to talk therapy to process your trauma. Your anxiety response centers int he brain are in hyper vigilance mode and retraining to turn down that response could be helpful for you.


Question: I have been having a lot of nightmares where I am being killed in different ways. I either wake up in a panic or just crying and sweating. It has made me terrified of falling asleep and is now affecting my daily life too. Can I make the nightmares stop?

Response: Hello, and thank you for your question. Sleep problems, including insomnia and even the nightmares that you are writing about, are really common for people and so many people suffer from them. Here are a few things to consider or to try: 1. Have you changed or started taking any new medication lately? Medications can certainly affect your sleep and some can even cause vivid or frightening dreams. If you are taking a new medication, talk to your provider about the nightmares, this may be the cause. 2. Stress can certainly increase our difficulty with sleep and can also begin to affect our dream states. The dreams may not make much sense, but then again even good dreams don't always make much sense. Ask yourself, do I have any new or renewed stressors in my life? Work, school, relationships, health.... all of these areas and many more are places where stress can hide out. If this is the case, talk with your provider or consider seeing a counselor who may be able to help. 3. Something to consider is that once we start to have anxiety or stress about something, we can begin to obsess about it. My guess is that going to bed for sleep is no longer a pleasant thing for you. Your stress and fear of what may happen when you sleep could start way before you actually go to bed. This could increase your chances of having another bad dream. Try relaxation techniques before going to bed. If you have YouTube, you can pull up "Guided Meditation for Sleep" exercises to help you relax. There are many different ones to choose from. You may also want to try deep breathing.4. There are self-help ideas for managing bad nightmares. If you Google search "Nightmare Rescripting" or "Nightmare Exposure" you may find some ideas and instructions on how to manage dreams. I hope these ideas help. Be well...


Question: I am a survivor of domestic violence from a past relationship. Even after seven years, I still have horrible nightmares. I wake up in sweat, and the dreams feel so real.

Response: Hello, and thank you for your question. First things first, I am so glad that you are alive and very sorry that you had to endure such a terrible experience. Now, let's talk about these nightmares. The first thing I want to tell you is that you are NOT losing your mind. Many people start to think that may be the case if they are still suffering from the affects of something that happened a long time ago. That's not the case. There is no time set time for which we should be "over" something like this. I am not sure if you received counseling after what happened to you, but that may be something to consider. Bad nightmares could be the sign of something like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which would include other symptoms like being startled easily, re-experiencing the event, or avoiding places that remind you of it. There are other symptoms, as well, so if you believe this may be something you have you may want to seek counseling. There are good treatments for PTSD. If you cannot seek counseling at this time, there are some things you can do to try to manage the dreams on your own. I would encourage you to look up "sleepy hygiene" and try to make your bedtime rituals as relaxing as possible. You can also Google search "Nightmare re-scripting" or "Nightmare Exposure" and get some ideas on how you may be able to change your dreams. It may be a good idea to attend a domestic violence support group and get ideas from other survivors who no doubt have had sleep problems related to their experiences, too. Hope this was helpful. Be well.


Question: I am a survivor of domestic violence from a past relationship. Even after seven years, I still have horrible nightmares. I wake up in sweat, and the dreams feel so real.

Response: Nightmare are actually very common for survivors of domestic violence. If they are affecting you the the point where you feel like you need to do something, you may want to consider processing your memories of the events with a trained trauma therapist. Another good option, may be to attend a support group for survivors where you could process your memories in a safe space where others will be able to provide support and understanding for what you went through as well as encouragement for the strength it took you to get out of that relationship. You may also want to consider completing a screening or assessment to rule out post-traumatic stress disorder as well.


Question: I feel angry, anxious, and depressed. The PTSD I suffer is from a past relationship.

Response: If the symptoms are to the extent that they are affecting your ability to function, you may want to consider seeking treatment. PTSD, anxiety, and depression all typically respond well to treatment if provided by a trained clinician. Common types of treatment for PTSD that you may want to look into include Cognitive Processing Therapy or EMDR. The nice things about Cognitive Processing Therapy is that it is time limited and only lasts 17 sessions typically.


Question: Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?

Response: It can be tricky to figure out if a child is truly satisfied with his lack of friendships. Parents can usually tell when their child is happy. But kids who are unhappy may be masking disappointment, perhaps acting out their feelings in an aggressive manner. Others may internalize symptoms, appearing sad or withdrawn. A parent may learn a great deal by asking the teachers questions such as whether the child works with others on group projects or if he eats lunch alone. A parent can also talk with the recess supervisor about what happens on the playground, and whether your child stays on the sidelines of play, unsure of how to join the group. Therespectfully is a difference between kids who are shy but happy and kids who feel isolated because they do not know how to make friends. Itis not necessarily that there is something wrong with that child, but they will in fact need help and suggestions for breaking into a peer group Ask a child if there is someone he would like to have over to play. If a mom or dad can make the play dates happen, or if they hit on an activity the child truly enjoys, the young person may begin to forge friendships on their own. I encourage well-meaning parents to choose words carefully. Use phrases like, "Hey, I noticed something," or "Let me help you be successful." By showing respect, parents should feel more comfortable nudging their children beyond their comfort zone.When to seek professional help. When does isolation raise a red flag for long-term issues? True personality disorders are not typically diagnosed until adulthood. Still, professional counseling should be considered if the anti-social behavior is causing the child significant distress, perhaps keeping him from functioning in everyday activities. Also, parents should pay attention to how the child's social behavior changes over time such as social anxiety. The vast majority of children who define "quality time" as time alone are perfectly happy, healthy and normal. If the child is able to nurture at least one friendship, exhibiting what experts call "social reciprocity," then parents can relax, and can cherish that child who enjoys the pleasure of his or her own company.


Question: I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?

Response: First of all, I am very sorry for your loss, and I can understand the urge to drink and smoke to try and cope. As I'm sure you understand, alcohol and marijuana may take the edge off of the pain in the short run, but in the long run they may prevent you from being able to work through the thoughts and feelings that you have about the loss of your friend. Grieving is a process that is unique to each individual and each relationship that may involve difficult, confusing, and even contradictory seeming thoughts and feelings and a competent therapist can help you work through this process. It also may be useful for you to add other ways of coping, such as taking care of yourself through exercise, doing healthy activities that you love, and spending time with people that you love. Self care is often most difficult when we need it the most. Thank you for reaching out.


Question:
I'm always told I'm not good enough or trying hard enough. I put 100% in to every thing. I'm worn out, I've worked on all of my family relationships, I'm doing great in school, I'm kind to those in need and otherwise. I stick to my religious beliefs and leave room for mistakes and learn from others so I don't have to make as many and the ones I do I learn from.
Somehow it's still not good enough and nothing I do works. Nothing has changed, and I feel hopeless. Any suggestions or ideas?

Response: It sounds like you are aware of your positive traits but you are struggling with someone who does not acknowledge nor celebrate your efforts or achievements.   It seems like that is affecting your inner voice, which allows you to accept yourself for who you are.My suggestion is to explore that relationship and decide if that person's opinion should determine how you feel about yourself.   If this is an important relationship, you could communicate to this person how the lack of positive feedback is affecting you.  Then, work on spending more time with those who value you, and can give you praise, encouragement, and constructive criticism.  Also, explore your religious beliefs, and what is they say about who you are as a person.  Finally, explore with a Counselor your inner voice and try to figure out if the negative message is settling in and harming your self-esteem.   Through therapy, you could learn to self-compassion and acceptance wich will help your self esteem.¿CÃ³mo manejo el sentirme que no soy suficiente bueno?Siempre me dicen que no soy suficientemente bueno o no trato lo suficiente.  Yo pongo el 100% en todo.  Estoy agotado, he trabajado en todas mis relaciones, estoy muy bien en la escuela, trato bien a las personas que lo necesitan.  Me aferro a mis creencias religiosas y dejo espacio para los errores, y aprendo de otros para no tener que cometer los mismos.  Aun asÃ no soy suficiente y nada de lo que hago funciona, me siento desesperanzado.  ¿Alguna idea o sugerencia?Al parecer estas consiente de tus caracterÃsticas positivas, pero estÃ¡s teniendo  dificultad con alguien que no reconoce tus esfuerzos, ni logros, y eso estÃ¡ afectando esa voz interior que te permite aceptar quien eres.Mi sugerencia es que explores esa relaciÃ³n y analices si la opiniÃ³n de esta persona va a determinar cÃ³mo te valoras a ti mismo.  Si es una relaciÃ³n valiosa, puedes comunicarle a la persona en cuestiÃ³n como te afecta la falta de comentarios y opiniones positivas.   Luego enfÃ³cate en pasar mÃ¡s tiempo con personas que te valoran, te dan halagos, te motivan y te aconsejan.  TambiÃ©n explora que dice tu religiÃ³n sobre quiÃ©n eres como persona y cuÃ¡l es tu valor.  Y por Ãºltimo, explora con tu Consejero si ese mensaje negativo esta afectando tu autoestima.  A travÃ©s de la terapia puedes aprender tecnicas auto compasiÃ³n y aceptaciÃ³n que ayudaran a fortalecerte.


Question: I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?

Response: I'm so sorry to hear about your recent loss.  There is such a large feeling of uncertainty that befalls those of us left to sort through these emotions of such a loss, and it's never easy.  I think it's important to remember that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to deal with loss and the "best way" for you may not be the best way for someone else.  The fact that you are aware that you are smoking more marijuana and drinking more, and the fact that you can recognize that these may not be the best coping techniques, is a very good step towards giving yourself some better support at this time.  Marijuana and drinking are type of coping techniques that can numb us to our emotions, but they do not really help us to work through those emotions. When it comes to grief, often one of the most helpful ways to move through the phases of grief is to use your social supports; talk to your friends and family, see your mutual friends and commiserate with each other on the loss and the uncertainty.  The more we talk about our feelings, the more we are okay with them being ours. The more we express our loss, the better we become at accepting such a loss. In talking with your supports, you may also decide ways in which you may want to remember your friend; ways you can do so on a personal level (writing a poem, planting a tree, etc.) or ways you as a group can remember and memorialize them (a special day where you get together to share your memories, starting a charity, etc.) We never truly "get over" our losses, but we can learnt o accept the losses and what it means to us now...but that also takes time.


Question: I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?

Response: Let me begin by offering my condolences for your loss. I can understand how difficult this time maybe for you especially if you have several unanswered the questions due to the circumstances surrounding the death of your friend.  It's during this time, that you may experience the various stages of grief. This includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. In the bereavement process, there is so specific time frame or lengths of time for someone to work through each step. Its imperative to note  that one may express each stage with different levels of intensity. Also, the five stages do not necessarily occur in any specific order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Just note that everyone greives differently, some internalize their feelings and emotions, others express it externally, while other avoid it all together.Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience. Sometimes we feel that no one understands what we are feeling or going through, much less comprehend our emotional state of mind . What's important, is that you allow others to comfort you through the various stages. My recommendation is to allow yourself to go through the emotions and feel the grief. Avoiding or resisting may only delay the healing process. Reaching the acceptance stage of mourning is a gift not not everyone is awarded, but seeking the help of a Grief counselor may assist in deciphering your emotions and set you on a more positive path to achieve closer.


Question: It's been like a couple of years that I've been feeling like this. I don't want to self-diagnose, but I get so sad and cry and then I feel better. But then I get upset with people so quickly, and I hurt their feelings. It's this constant rollercoaster, and it's hard.

Response: Hello, and thank you for your question. Bipolar disorder is generally characterized by extreme changes in mood, ranging from mania (highs) to depression (lows). There are different types; however, so here is a website that gives you a list of symptoms for mania and depression in bipolar disorder: http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/bipolar-disorder-manic-depression?page=2After reviewing these symptoms, if you believe you may have bipolar disorder, then you may want to see your primary care provider or a counselor. Bipolar disorder is treatable, but for many people it requires the right medication and sometimes counseling to help people make behavior changes that are important for bipolar management. For example, some people may not get regular sleep, but proper rest is important for bipolar management. A counselor may talk to you about this and other lifestyle changes that you may need to make. The good news is that many people live happy, healthy, and productive lives with bipolar disorder. So, if it turns out that you do have bipolar disorder, it doesn't mean that things can't get better. There is currently no "cure" for bipolar disorder, but with proper medication and lifestyle management, people can do quite well.Hope this was helpful. Be well.


Question: I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?

Response: Suicide is a very traumatic loss and affects survivors significantly. Everyone deals with their grief in different ways. One way I recommend to deal with the loss of a loved one is to write letters to them. Some people like to keep the letters in a jar, maybe fill the jar with sand so the letters are buried. I recommend writing the letters as often as you need to. You will notice over time the need to write the letters will decrease and the intense feelings of loss will decrease. I also recommend finding a survivors support group in your area. You can find more information on www.afsp.org.


Question: Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?

Response: I recommend asking your son about the reasons he chooses to play alone at recess. If he is happy on his own and you know he has some friends, I would not be very concerned. However, there may be bullying going on at school. In the case of bullying, it may be a situation where you as his parent will need to step in.


Question:
I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it.
My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?

Response: Hello, and thank you for your question. I am so glad that you reached out for help. I know that the dysphoria can feel nearly impossible to handle, especially since you have limited support from people who accept who you are. You may already know some of these resources, but I am going to share a few. 1. The website www.letsqueerthingsup.com is a blog from a very good writer that I know. His name is Sam Dylan Finch, and he is transgender. He writes about mental health, transgender issues, and many other topics. I know he has frequently written about gender dysphoria and ways to manage it. You may want to check out his site and do a search on there. 2. The website www.everydayfeminism.com employs many transgender writers and several have written about gender dysphoria and have given ideas for managing it. If you search for gender dysphoria on their site, many articles pop up. It may be a good resource for you, especially if you ever feel lonely and start to forget that there are others out there who are like you and have your back. 3. I am not sure where you live, but there are counselors who specialize in affirmative therapy, which is what is recommended for folks who are part of the LGBTQ community. So, if you decide to see a counselor about the dysphoria, try to find one that specifically says they have been trained in the affirmative approach. In addition, feel free to ask questions of the counselor before agreeing to see them for counseling. An ethical counselor would have no problem answering them before having you come in. 4. If there are some LGBTQ resource centers in your area, try to reach out to them and see if there are support groups. Gaining more support from others would be helpful. Sometimes LGBTQ-friendly counselors leave their contact information for people in resource centers. 5. Finally, I know you have not mentioned being depressed or suicidal, but I also know that it is very common for people to consider suicide when they are struggling with dysphoria, dealing with transphobia, etc. If this ever happens to you, please call 911 or the Trans Lifeline. It's free at 877-565-8860. Visit their site at www.translifeline.org. I hope some of these ideas help. Feel free to send another message if you have a follow-up question.Be well....be YOU.


Question:
I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it.
My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?

Response: Hi. It can be difficult to handle such a transition on your own. I work with clients to understand their needs and wants. This can involve how to communicate effectively with friends, family, and other loved ones; or, learning how to have self-acceptance. I strongly recommend speaking with a licensed clinician one on one to help facilitate the change you are looking for.


Question: I feel really uncomfortable when I have people's attention. It makes me not want to talk in public or answer questions in class. Can I get over this social anxiety?

Response: you can learn lots of skills/techniques to feel more confident in what you need to do that will decrease your anxious response for sure! :) And  you can also learn how to work with your personality that may not like the attention. You may find that "talking" to others through the internet is more comfortable and you are great at it, or that you love one on one talking but aren't really made for group talking. There is a place in this world for you either way! Public speaking skills can be practiced in speech class, or toastmaster group, they will give you practice in a safe environment where the cool kids or cutest boy aren't ready to laugh at you.  What topics are you interested in and what groups can you do a little speaking up? Maybe in your small group at church try and raise you hand to share your opinion, or maybe your Girl Scout troop? Look around for a peer and one adult who you like to hear speak out, ask them to share with you 2 things that help them feel comfortable speaking in public. Check out some Ted Talks and see how they share in groups. Social anxiety is a difficult concern and picking apart what is your awesome personality and what needs skill building and mindfulness/anxiety  help are important steps. Good luck!


Question: There are intimate things she did early in the relationship, and things she had once agreed to try that she will not do now. I end up thinking about it all day. I feel rejected and think I married the wrong person.

Response: My wife won't do things she used to doThere are intimate things she did early in the relationship, and things she had once agreed to try that she will not do now. I end up thinking about it all day. I feel rejected and think I married the wrong person.Like we often hear, communication is the key to a good relationship.  Intimacy in the marriage is something we take for granted, and we rarely communicate about it. I noticed how you mentioned that she had once agreed to try things; did you ever asked if she enjoyed those things or would want to repeat them.  Have you asked if she would like to try new things as well?What if, you work on improving your communication with your wife? One thing to consider is the status of your relationship.  Are you in good terms with each other? Are you or your wife going under a stressful situation?   Many times when we have problems we reflect it in multiple areas, including our intimacy or lack of it.  Listen to her; ask how you can support her.  Find ways to reconnect as a couple, relax, have fun, and do things that you used to enjoy, or discover new interests together.Then you can focus on having conversations about your intimacy.  You could star by letting her know that you are concerned about your romantic life, and ask if you do anything that she likes or dislikes.  Remember this is a two-way street, you should be ready to listen and ready to share.  Take in consideration what she mentions, and work on resolving those issues.  It is important that you praise each other as you progress and do this in a loving and supportive way, avoiding hurtful comments. If you continue to struggle, or seems difficult to engage in communicating with your wife, consider couples therapy or individual therapy to work on communication skills.


Question: I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?

Response: Suicide is not a natural way to pass from this Earth, so many times it can be EXTREMELY tough to deal with because of the "unnatural-ness" of the event. We may find ourselves feeling guilty that we did not see it or that we could've have done more or something to stop it, but often the fish in the fishbowl cannot see that which is closest to him. You are currently trying to numb your feelings, those feelings as nasty as they are, are meant to be felt, those feelings help us to process the event and also help us to pass through the situation. Your friend has a legacy, remember it, and honor that legacy everyday in some small or even grand way, perhaps committing or volunteering your time to help others in honor of your friend.Hope this helps, C


Question: I started having anxiety three months ago. I'm new to having anxiety, and it's making me depressed.

Response: As a past sufferer of anxiety myself, I have learned that it is a natural part of life, it is a natural part of us, the longer we try to run from it the more it entangles us in its clutches, if we deny certain parts of ourselves we will become depressed or even oppressed, the only way to deal with anxiety is to embrace it and accept it, and in fighting the fight without fighting we will eventually win, I would encourage you to look into Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, your answer I think lies in that area of research. Hope this helps,C


Question: There are intimate things she did early in the relationship, and things she had once agreed to try that she will not do now. I end up thinking about it all day. I feel rejected and think I married the wrong person.

Response: I'd say you're letting fear get a hold on you! You would really enjoy some sexual activities that your wife hasn't initiated in a long while, but it's a big leap to go from that to "I married the wrong person". Fear is telling you that she doesn't respect or like or want you? Look at the bigger picture. What is the evidence that your wife wants to please you?...that she is the "right" woman for you?...that she loves you?...that she cares about what's important to you?  If there is evidence there, then you owe it to the marriage to rein in your fearful thoughts.Talking to your wife is so important right now. We all have moments when we really just want to sit and stew in our self pity over our partner not vacuuming or cooking or saying loving things often enough...but they can't read our minds! Can you lovingly let her know what you miss? ...what you hope for?...what you need? This is the meat of a loving relationship. Sharing who we are, so that we can love each other better. Your wife deserves the benefit of the doubt that she'll listen to what you long for. Can you risk feeling vulnerable? You can't control her answer, but can you trust her to care?