Question: I have an overwhelming desire to watch my wife have sex with another man. I talked to her about it, and she said she will do it for me. The idea excites me to no end, but I Don't want to because it disgusts me. How can I stop wanting it, or should I just give into it and do it? I've been struggling for years with this. It won't go away. By the way, I am in my mid 30s and my wife is in her mid 40s.

Response: Try to understand your own ambivalence to having your wish fulfilled.Since you and your wife are in a relationship, the sex she will have with another man will affect emotions in both you and your wife.I suggest you and her prepare emotionally before you both go ahead with the sexual arrangement,By anticipating any jealousy or feeling helpless or out of control, or in control, since it's your wish being fulfilled, all the feelings you and her are able to expect, you'll be more prepared for the actual emotions from the episode, which may also resolve your conflicted feelings about creating the event.There are a lot of unknowns in the situation you're considering.  Having your partner, who will be key in satisfying your sex wish, be active in understanding these unknowns, is a good way of keeping your relationship strong overall.


Question: My husband and I have been together since high school. We have been married going on for nearly ten years, and we have three beautiful children. A few weeks ago, my husband decided he need some time apart and moved over to his dads for a while. He comes home to see the kids and acts like there is not too much wrong. Can this marriage be saved or is it too late? He said he would go to counseling, so I don't think he has given up.

Response: While it would be impossible for me to say whether your marriage can be saved it sounds like you are both willing to give it a try and to get professional support. With appropriate professional support for your relationship a lot is possible. I'm not familiar with the resources available in Jackson but I'm sure there are some good local couple therapists and there may be some agencies that specialize in couple counselling and family therapy. So often the challenges that we have in relationships result from rather small habits in relating that lead to greater feelings of distress, loneliness, anger and resentment. I commend your willingness to put effort into creating the strong loving relationship that you want for both of your sakes and of course for your children. The following links provides more information regarding common behaviours that predict staying together or separating and also videos and other resources that can help you get started. Wishing you and your family all the best on your journey of healing and discovery.


Question: That phrase makes me crazy. It happens anytime I point out something to my husband that he needs to change, such as looking up from his iPad long enough for me to tell him the grandbaby almost pulled the shelf unit over or explaining to him that I got all the things he needs to bake a pie. Another example is when he opens the front door, the dog runs out if he doesn't pick him up. Over and over again, he lets the dog run out, and I am afraid he will get hit by a car.

Response: I empathize with your feeling "crazy" hearing your husband yell "enough" in response to you wanting to make a point to him.When the immediate situation has calmed down,  have you ever told him that this upsets you?  Is it possible he simply is not aware that you feel upset by how he talks to you?Keep in mind too that what you believe your husband must change, may not agree with his opinion on what he needs to change.A helpful starting place for the two of you to discuss once the immediate situation has calmed down, is what you each feel would have been a reasonable way of handling the situation that just happened.By learning more about how the other person thinks and feels, it will be easier to know what to expect form each other.Even if you disagree about what is best, knowing that there are differences between you may make living with them easier to accept, or at least not be surprised and startled by them.Sending good luck to both of you!


Question: That phrase makes me crazy. It happens anytime I point out something to my husband that he needs to change, such as looking up from his iPad long enough for me to tell him the grandbaby almost pulled the shelf unit over or explaining to him that I got all the things he needs to bake a pie. Another example is when he opens the front door, the dog runs out if he doesn't pick him up. Over and over again, he lets the dog run out, and I am afraid he will get hit by a car.

Response: It's hard to say what is okay and what is not okay, as it depends on what you and your husband feel is appropriate in your relationship. If you are feeling like you need to walk on eggshells or that you can't speak your mind and say how you feel, then that sounds like a problem. I would recommend having an open discussion with your husband about communication between the two of you in general. Do this during a time when there is little or no conflict and emotions are not heightened. Let him know how you feel and give him specific ideas of how you would like him to respond instead of saying, "enough." Additionally, try and see his perspective and understand why he shuts you down. Perhaps, he feels like he is being told what to do constantly or that he gets little positive feedback from you. An open dialogue about how to discuss issues going forward will likely help. Seeing a couple's therapist will also greatly assist with teaching better communication skills and seeing if there are underlying issues that need resolution. Best of luck to you guys.


Question: My husband does not trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not.

Response: I'm sorry to hear about the trust issues in your relationship. Trust, as you clearly know, is essential to healthy relationships. Past indiscretions or dishonesty can damage this trust and make it really hard to confidence that these things will not happen again despite reassurances. We tend to be very sensitive to betrayal and risks to our relationship security. Rebuilding trust takes time and effort for both parties. On your end, you may need to provide more reassurance and more concrete evidence that you are trustworthy, gestures of transparency (e.g. - giving him more information about where you are going and who you will be with, letting him know when you get texts or emails from people that might give him pause or trigger insecurities), and more patience and empathy for his fears. On his end, he may need to learn to be with his insecurities and fears and ask for reassurance about your love and commitment in ways that do not lead to criticizing you, attempting to control you, or limiting your freedom. If you are not able to come to agreements about how to put his fears to rest without it negatively impacting your life, I would suggest getting some professional help from a marriage counsellor or couples therapist.


Question: My husband does not trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not.

Response: The good news in the way you're feeling is recognizing that your husband's trust of your actions, makes a difference to you.The typical therapy formula for restoring trust between two people after some sort of betrayal, is for the one who has broken the trust, to earn it back.Restoring trust requires both persons to actively involve themselves in this process.The person who tires earning back trust, must know what standards for this, of the one who was betrayed.The person who feels betrayed must willingly be open minded to accepting the efforts of the one who tries earning back their trust.As simple as this formula sounds, the actual process of restoring trust raises a lot of emotion on both sides, therefore causing difficulty in keeping discussions in this area, on track.The best way of success in restoring trust between partners, is utilizing a couples therapist who would be able to guide your conversations back on track, and also open emotions for discussion when relevant to restoring trust.Good luck in establishing new terms with your partner!


Question: My husband does not trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not.

Response: It is incredibly frustrating to not be trusted when you know you are doing nothing wrong. If the lack of trust on your husband's end has to do with something you did in the past, then be patient and give it time. Once trust is broken it takes time and effort to gain it back. Try seeing the situation from your husband's perspective, as often times looking at situations from different angles, gives us new understanding and insight. Remember that you can't change how he feels, but you can help him to regain the trust by asking him what he needs and responding to his needs as best you can. Seeing a couple's counselor is never a bad idea and it would also be beneficial for you and or/your husband to seek out individual therapy. There may be other unknown factors that you are unaware of that are contributing to the trust issues and inability to resolve them. Hope everything works out for you!


Question: My husband does not trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not.

Response: Hi Louisiana,It's normal when trust has been broken in the past for fear and insecurities to come up from time to time. His reactions may not mean that he doesn't trust you, but rather that he gets scared that he's going to be hurt again. You're a bit vague about the past. You don't say whether you cheated or not. If you did, then you might try taking an approach where you a) take responsibility for your past actions, b) show an understanding of and compassion for his pain about that, c) do everything you can to demonstrate trust and show that he is your priority, and d) reassure him when he says he's scared or feeling insecure. I'm suggesting that part of healing is you having tolerance of his emotions and demonstrating that you're so confident you can be faithful that you can handle his moments of fear. This is what he and the marriage need in order to heal from the attachment injury.Part of the issue might be that when he brings it up, he's coming across as angry, accusing or suspicious, rather than scared and insecure. This often happens. A therapist can help both of you understand that fear is behind the anger, and it works best if he shows you his vulnerable emotions rather than the anger (which is also natural, but less helpful in those moments), and then you can more easily recognise the cue for you to reassure him. As much as you want to forget about it, he might need to talk about it sometimes, and that's normal. His needs are important. Also important, however, is your need for respect. If he approaches it in a disrespectful way, that's a separate problem. If it's brought up as a weapon, used to shut you down, or used to control or punish, those are unhealthy ways of dealing with past hurts. You can both offer compassion to him and use your sense of boundaries to protect yourself from being flogged with the past.A qualified therapist can help you sort through this trick territory. Best of luck.


Question: My husband and I would've been married for five years come June 2016. Our infant daughter just had her birthday. Shortly before, he told me he wanted a divorce. He has four other children, three of which are from his first wife. He decided to end that marriage when his youngest was an infant. The children do not have a good relationship with him now. He has another child from a woman he was dating. He decided he didn't want to be with her anymore when the child was an infant. It seems to me that there is a pattern. He easily detaches from relationships at the same time in the child's life but wants a relationship with them when they are older. I've tried to research online, but I'm not getting any answers. He also has an unhealthy dependency on alcohol and does not believe in mental health disorders such as depression and bi-polar disorder. He also does not believe in therapy or seeking help from professionals. Is there a detachment disorder or some form of mental block he could have? Where do you recommend researching this?

Response: This sounds really difficult and I can understand your motivation to get to bottom of why this behaviour has occurred - especially if your husband (who sounds like he is an ex-husband?) continues to have a relationship with you and your children. With that being said - relationships and mental health are very complicated and you are unlikely to find the answers you are looking for. In order for someone to be diagnosed with a mental illness or in order for them to identify what leads them to fall into particular patterns in relationship - they would need to be willing to seek help and honestly talk about their challenges, something that you say your ex is not willing to do.  While it might be a relief to understand what is going on with him - it might be more comforting for you to get support for yourself in processing your feelings and everything that has come up for you as a result of his choices.


Question: My husband cheated on me and it hurt me very bad. It was a time when my health was poor. I'm have a hard time moving on.

Response: How has your husband acted since then? Was he regretful? How did you find out? Did he confess? These are all things that you want to consider. Betrayal is very hard to get over so if it's taking you awhile to get over, know that this is normal.Hopefully you're husband has been very regretful and upfront and honest with you since this happened. It may take awhile to reestablish your trust with him and he should understand this. It's also very important to discuss WHY he cheated. You want to make sure that the reasoning behind this was not something that could arise again in the future. And if it can, there needs to be an action plan in place (i.e. being honest with how he's feeling) so that you both get a chance to rectify the situation.If the cheating has happened more than once, you may want to reevaluate your reasoning for staying in the marriage. It would be obvious that he did not truly regret what he had done or else he wouldn't repeat the same mistake. However, if it was a single event and he has shown you and continuously shows you that he genuinely loves you and is sorry for his mistake, I would give it a try. People do make mistakes and sometimes it takes an event like this to realize what you have.Know that it takes time and that you have the right to feel what you feel. If the relationship was a good, healthy relationship, it is worth saving. Ease back into it and be upfront with your feelings. In return, your husband should be patient and understanding of this. Also, marriage counselors are often a good go-to as they have a great deal of experience working with marriages in similar situations. Best of luck to you!


Question: I have been with my husband for almost 7 years. We got engaged a little after 5 years of being together. I had always been clear that I wanted to get married and I sadly would drop hints about how i wanted him to propose. When he did propose it was during a random vacation that I had planned. I was happy but I couldn't help feeling disappointed too. I had told him numerous times before that I wanted him to do it in front of my friends and family. I know it sounds dumb to be upset but I couldn't help how I was feeling. We are now married but the wedding and ring were also far from what I wanted and it wasn't due to lack of funds. I know this is all material and the marriage is the most important thing but I cant help but get jealous and envious every time I see someone get a proposal or wedding that I had wanted. I cant help my anger because I know we only get one proposal and one wedding. What I wanted will never happen. I have been working on my feelings for the past year and half to get over it. I try to focus on our marriage but every time I see someone have the best proposals and weddings I get upset. I know it is selfish and I know its petty but I just can't control it. It's ruining our relationship because I constantly think about it. Plus, I get mad at him for small things because I am trying to hide the fact that I am so disappointed. Why can't I move on?

Response: It's hard to let go of the dreams you had regarding your wedding and engagement. This was something that you and most women think about for years, so it's understandable to be disappointed. But please be aware that it is rare that any wedding is perfect. You may envy your friends' weddings but more than likely they had a few mishaps of their own and/or it wasn't as perfect as they had planned it either. However, like you know, the marriage is the most important thing. How many women are envious that you are in a happy, stable relationship? I assure you that there are plenty. Try to live in the present considering that dwelling on the past can still not change how you were proposed to or how your wedding day transpired. Focus on what you can control NOW. Perhaps, you can plan an extravagant renewal of your vows or change the look of your ring?I would also be upfront with your husband and explain why you've been short lately. But after that, close that chapter and move on. It sounds like you have a wonderful companion and you certainly don't want to lose this due to a situation that is impossible to change.


Question: I need to speak to someone about sexual addiction and binge eating immediately.

Response: There is an organization dedicated to helping individuals find affordable counseling.  It is called Open Path Collective.  There is a one time membership fee of $49 and it lasts for your lifetime.  You then have access to local counselors/therapists who will see you for an extremely reduced rate, anywhere from $30 - $60.   https://openpathcollective.org/


Question: I need to speak to someone about sexual addiction and binge eating immediately.

Response: There are plenty of online providers within the mental health field that would me more than happy to speak with you immediately.  Many of them provide treatment on a sliding scale fee.  I would google online mental health treatment providers and that should lead you to a list of providers that can help you.


Question: I need to speak to someone about sexual addiction and binge eating immediately.

Response: Depending on your area and location, there may be therapists who provide services on a sliding scale. Additionally, churches will often times offer counseling for free or for a small fee. I suggest doing a simple Google search and contact therapists in your area. It never hurts to ask for a reduced fee and even if he or she is unable to provide the service, they may be able to refer you to someone who can.


Question: I've been bulimic for about 6 years now. I'm in my early 20s. I am about to start back to school to become an RN, and I really need to get better once and for all. I lose control of myself and become angry and anxious and just eat and purge. Over and over. Can someone please point me in the right direction for help?

Response: Eating disorders usually result from a sense of insecurity about who the person is, whether they are good enough compared with anyone else, and whether the way they person lives is effective.If you have a style you're already happy with to reflect on these sorts of topics, keep following your own logic with the aim to free yourself, which usually takes place gradually, from these sort of self-doubts.The other approach would be to find an unperson or an online discussion group where you'd be able to offer and receive the support from other people who live with a similar problem.Good luck in your studies!


Question: I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?

Response: Hello,This question describes a very typical setup of what is called the  Binge, Repent, Repeat cycle. This means that typically after you binge, you experience emotions as you described "shame and disappointment" and then because of these emotions you "repent" (i.e. vow to never binge again, promise to "do better," go to the gym, etc.) and then ultimately end up bingeing again. There are many coping mechanisms for binge eating and one of the best is actually attempting to NORMALIZE eating. Meaning you need to attempt to eat normally, eating appropriately portioned meals 3 times a day, with snacks in between. IF you binge, then it may be helpful to remind yourself that when you attempt to compensate for your bingeing behaviors, and you end up feeling restricted from over exercising or undereating, then this actually leads to a binge again. Thus, reverting you back to the cycle. If you binge, it will be helpful to try and get back on a normal schedule of eating instead of trying to compensate for the binge. Although it may feel counterproductive, getting back on a normal eating schedule will prevent you from entering into the restrictive cycle. It can also be helpful to remind yourself that the binge has already occurred, it is in the past and the goal is to move forward without focusing on the past. Focus on what you can do differently next time. What emotions or situations led up to the binge? What can you to do prevent or change the circumstances that led to the binge, or the way that you handled the situation? Lastly, if you're struggling with "normalizing" eating, it can be helpful to work with a professional that can provide counseling and coaching to help you learn how to eating normally, mindfully and without feeling the guilt and other harmful emotions sometimes associated with disordered eating. I would be more than happy to assist you if you ever have any questions or want to reach out to somebody. You can contact me via my website: http://www.maddenwellnessky.com/


Question: I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?

Response: In dealing with an eating disorder you are far from alone.  It is more common than you might think and tied to so many variables that it is easy for an individual to become overwhelmed in trying to navigate the influences of such variables.  I have been working with individuals dealing with such challenges since 1998 and have found over the years that behavioral analysis is highly effective in helping you begin to isolate, understand and then be able to address many of these variable impacting your behavioral and cognitive choices.  Consider finding someone trained in Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT).  There is a large body of evidence supporting the use of this approach to alleviating many of the aspects you identified in your post as well of a wide variety of tools that you can choose from and utilize that are able to practiced and assimilated into your daily tool box of coping mechanisms that end up becoming new behaviors and ways of thinking about issues that become automatic, the best possible outcome you can hope for if you want the solution to be sustainable.


Question: I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?

Response: The fact that you are aware of the issue and what causes it is a step in the right direction.  You can absolutely break the cycle but it takes a lot of effort.  Much like growing a physical muscle, developing coping mechanisms must be practiced (exercised) in order to gain strength.  Find healthy activities that you like to do that can help you deal with stress.  It appears that you are already going to the gym which is awesome; you want this to be a healthy experience not one done out of guilt.  Is it possible for you to incorporate food items that are healthy for you? Remember any changes you make must be practiced and developed over time.  You should seek professional help to assist you with getting to the root cause of your emotional connection to food. Normally these issues date back to childhood experiences however this is a generalization and I have little information to go on.  Above all else BE KIND TO YOURSELF! Shame is counterproductive. If you want something to grow you give it love and attention. Well wishes!!!!!!


Question: I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?

Response: I believe that for results that last, the best approach is to understand why someone feels like doing a certain behavior."Coping mechanisms" are superficial instruction that people usually give up on when feeling extreme pressure from the problem behaviors.Take the slower road of understanding why you would deprive yourself of enjoying food.Also, if you consider the binging as a mistake of some kind, reflect on why doing something less than ideal, deserves harsh criticism and not tolerance and acceptance that people mess up occasionally.I'm glad you know that there are better ways of treating yourself.  This is a valuable awareness of realizing you deserve patience and respect, not humiliation and severe criticism when you are lost as to best ways of self-care.


Question: I have no self control over food. Most people stop when they've had enough, but I keep eating for the pleasure of it. Especially with sweets - I'm never done eating dessert.

Response: Hello! I'm so glad you decided to write in today. This is such a great question and I'm sure many others will relate to exactly what you're describing. There are a few different ways we can look at in understanding your concern. First, I think it's important to understand food is just food. Food is meant to nourish our bodies, provide us with energy and yes, sometimes reserved for special occasions and celebrations. But in many cultures, we place a LOT of emphasis on food. We have food at every gathering and every celebration. What's more people have come to almost EXPECT food to be present at any and every get-together. And if it's not? Well, then forget about it! I see this time and time again with my clients. Donuts appear in the office, and it's almost like donuts have never been there before! Must eat one (or two)! However, we need to remind ourselves that this occurrence, or similar ones, will not be the last time we can enjoy this particular food. It is likely the office donuts have happened before, and they will be there again on another day. During these moments, I like to have my clients employ a Stop-and-Think method. Stop-and-Think about your goals before you eat. Is this donut getting you where you want to be? Also, I have my clients ask themselves how special is this donut? If the donut really is a special donut (from the best bakery in town and you've never been there before) then now might be a time to have the donut. But if not, it would be wise to pass and wait until that "special" donut. Another aspect we need to remember about food, is to think about what we're getting from overindulging or overeating. Are you trying to drown out other emotions? Are you trying to feel better and the food gives you that feeling for a brief moment? What ELSE is going on? This can be determined by utilizing what we describe as a Thought Record. A Thought Record involves tracking and identifying thoughts and feelings associated with food triggers. By targeting the emotions, we can then determine where they're coming from, as well as how to decipher them. A therapist can also help you with understanding your emotions related to food and will be helpful in assisting you with the Thought Record.The most important thing to remember is that "food addiction" can be a real problem for a lot of people. If food is taking over your life and you are preoccupied and overwhelmed with knowing where to start, please seek out help. Binge eating is the most common eating disorder and impacts the lives of thousands. There are lots of free resources and information on my website at www.maddenwellnessky.com. In addition, I offer individual coaching and counseling through my website and I would love to help!- Amber


Question: I have no self control over food. Most people stop when they've had enough, but I keep eating for the pleasure of it. Especially with sweets - I'm never done eating dessert.

Response: I would recommend removing yourself from the environment you are in after you have finished eating. A simple walk around the block, calling up a friend and going to visit, or even going to another room in the house can help. If you find that you truly have no self control over food, I recommend attending Overeaters Anonymous; a 12 step group for those with compulsive issues related to food. I hope this helps.


Question: There's this boy who asked me out awhile ago. I said no because my friends and family would think weirdly of me. How do I be with him and tell him and tell my friends?

Response: Since you've decided to be with the boy who already showed you his interest, then why not simply tell him you decided to accept his invitation to be together?Probably your first concern about hesitating to accept this boy into your life due to the way you imagine your family may react if you do, is the more complex matter to solve.Forming a relationship does bring up our values and the way these are different or similar to our own.    At the same time, we already have values which are rooted in those from the family in which we grew up.Your dilemma of wanting to be with this boy shows there is a clash between your values as an individual, including your choice of partner, and the way your family understands the values which support being part of a couple.Stay true to what you feel, whether this comes from your family or the way you currently are evolving.This will guarantee that your new relationship will be built on the values and person you truly are.


Question: I have suffered many things at home and school. We never went to the doctor to diagnose depression or anything like that, but I always feel like a part of my heart is missing. I try to fill it in with objects or, in this case, a woman.

Response: Maybe the reason is not having confidence in the love you give to yourself.Possibly you consider the quality of your self-love as inferior to love someone else gives you.The best way to push through to your own self-comfort and acceptance is to be aware of this tendency so you can remind yourself to practice appreciating the unique love you give to yourself.


Question: I have suffered many things at home and school. We never went to the doctor to diagnose depression or anything like that, but I always feel like a part of my heart is missing. I try to fill it in with objects or, in this case, a woman.

Response: There could be many reasons but often people feel validated when they are in a relationship, the need to be in a relationship can be related to a belief of unlovability which often stems from our childhood. The relationship sort of soothes this temporarily and the others interest or desire helps counteract the ingrained belief. There are many questions that may help understand why, how was your relationship with your mother (caregivers)?  How was your childhood etc.? Many people describe having a hole or void they try and fill with material things or people but it only is a temporary fix which usually drives the person to the next relationship, or object in hopes it will be fulfilling but it never is because fulfillment is work we need to do ourselves. This journey involves finding acceptance and love for ourselves. Once we have that we don't need to look elsewhere for fulfillment.


Question: I have suffered many things at home and school. We never went to the doctor to diagnose depression or anything like that, but I always feel like a part of my heart is missing. I try to fill it in with objects or, in this case, a woman.

Response: There are a lot of ways to look at this. It sounds as if there is a part of you that is looking for support. I wonder what it is that you feel when you're not in a relationship?Because of the way you asked the question, I'm getting the impression that you are referring to romantic relationships. I wonder if you have close friendships that could form a network to help with this when you are not romantically involved with someone. Even when you are in a relationship with a romantic partner, having friends is still an important element.I wonder if you could also notice what changes for you inside of yourself (as far as emotions) when you move from not being in a relationship to being in one.Perhaps you could take a look at what you value about yourself.In general, it is natural for people to want to be in relationships with others (in this case, relationship has many meanings and degrees). Most of us enjoy sharing elements of our days, thoughts, feelings, etc. with someone else who we trust and care about also hoping they care about us in return.


Question:
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.
 I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?

Response: It is not the case of being right or wrong, in my view. If you are asking, I believe you truly care for your boyfriend. It seems like he is having difficulties in establishing trust in this relationship. The ideal would be to come closer to his upsetness and to show him that you are there for him. I hope all goes well. Rossana Mag.


Question:
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.
 I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?

Response: The most important thing to ask yourself here is, "how did this action affect my relationship, and is it worth the consequences?" Regardless of your intentions in this action, your boyfriend is uncomfortable with this type of behavior. From here, we can objectively decide if spending time with your previous partner (because that is likely what your boyfriend sees them as) is worth harming the relationship you currently have. It is very rare that a person would be comfortable with their partner spending more than a very little amount of time with their exes. Many times, it just gives the wrong impressions. It is very possible that your partner may believe that since you spend so much time with them, that they are still a contender for the most intimate relationship you have to offer, and truth be told, they kind of are. The best intimate relationships, are friendships first and foremost. It is also a good thing to consider what you are getting out of the relationship with your ex that you are not getting out of the relationship with your current boyfriend. If you go to this person for emotional support before your boyfriend, then it is very likely you're involved in some "emotional infidelity". When we turn to others instead of our partner, it is as if we "ran into another person's arms" instead of theirs. No matter who you are, that hurts.


Question:
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.
 I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?

Response: Depends on your definition of "wrong" on this one. Was it objectively wrong to spend the weekend with a good friend, who also happens to be an ex? Probably not. But, it upset your current boyfriend, and he is entitled to his feelings if you are in a relationship with him. He may be out of line if he assumes that anything happened between you and your ex that would compromise the relationship, however your boyfriend being upset might also mean that he wanted to spend that kind of weekend with you and did not get to do that.Long story short, it might help your relationship to understand more, and be curious, not judge-y, around what is upsetting for him. Perhaps having empathy for his experience of the behavior could help him to feel more secure with you having relationships with your ex(es).


Question:
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.
 I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?

Response: While you can't be responsible for your boyfriend's feelings, relationships do come with expectations.  Both people in a relationship bring their own expectations into it.  These expectations are usually unspoken, but result in conflict as you are experiencing here!  Your boyfriend expects you not to spend the weekend with this guy.  He may expect you not to spend the weekend with any guy at all.  He may expect you to spend every single weekend with him!  You'll have to decide if his expectations are ones you can live with.  Relationships do require some compromise out of concern for our partner, but you get to choose how much you compromise. We get upset about things that make us feel insecure.  You spending the weekend with an ex makes your boyfriend feel insecure.  That doesn't mean you did anything wrong.  It just means that you have to decide if it's more important for you to maintain your freedom to spend weekends with whomever you wish, or to help your boyfriend feel secure in your relationship. Good luck!  Hope that helps,Allison


Question:
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.
 I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?

Response: Hello. There are a number of factors playing into this situation. A former romantic partner coming back onto the scene during a current relationship; you spending alone time (and spending the night) with that former partner; and the uneasy feelings experienced by your current partner (boyfriend). Now those are the ones you have openly expressed. There are very likely other issues that prompted this behavior on your part. You ask if you were wrong. It is not a question I will be able to answer, because it is not one I am meant to answer. It is up to you to find that truth. Now, if you are feeling guilty, was it because of some sexual engagement occurred when you spent the night? If so, you might want to look at why that happened. Do you feel secure in your current relationship? Is this the relationship you want, or do you want to be with the former boyfriend?Important questions, but ones you need to ask and answer. Odds are, there is something that triggered this event to occur and it becomes a focal point in discovering any unexplored discomfort or other issues with your current boyfriend. Seeking relationship counseling can be effective in sorting this out, so be open to that possibility to help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.Best of luck to you.


Question:
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.
 I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?

Response: Ideally you and your boyfriend will reach a balance point where you and your boyfriend are each happy with the level of involvement you have with your former boyfriend.Start w a discussion with your current boyfriend as to what specifically he doesn't like about your friendship with your former boyfriend.It is possible that you can answer his concerns as well he can find out from you more as to what the friendship is all about.As a therapist, I've never seen a former romantic relationship become only a friendship.   As sincere as you may be in your intention to only keep the friendship with the former relationship partner, if  your former boyfriend secretly has romantic feelings for you, then at best, you've got an unclear friendship with this person.The obvious possibility is to socialize together with your current boyfriend and your former one. If neither guy would go for this, then this would show there is an undercurrent of competition for your romantic attention.Basically make your romantic partner's feelings and your own, the major considerations and discuss from this perspective.


Question:
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.
 I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?

Response: This can be a very complicated situation. The boundaries of relationship include the rules to follow in the relationship. It is important to follow the rules of your relationship  in regards to each person being able to spend time with exes. If you and your boyfriend agree upon a rule about spending time with exes, then there should be no problem.


Question:
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.
 I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?

Response: Thank you for submitting this question. I think this type of situation can be common for many couples struggling with how to keep friendships with past relationships while being in a new relationship. For me, more information is needed here...but given the information provided, the way I interpret the question is...I'm assuming your boyfriend didn't know you were going to spend the weekend with your good friend?  Working off of this assumption, I would suggest beginning an open and honest dialogue with your boyfriend about what specifically upset him? And to talk about your point of view regarding spending the weekend with him. I would also suggest talking about how you both envision your relationship when it comes to spending time with others. If you feel like you can't have this conversation without it going off track, please consider seeing a couples therapist. They can help you begin these important conversations that can help shape and develop the relationship you and your boyfriend long for.


Question:
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.
 I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?

Response: That is a difficult situation and there is no right or wrong. You both need to discuss it and come up with a solution that works for the both of you. You want to spend time with your friend but your boyfriend  may feel betrayed by you spending quality time with another man you have been intimate with. There may be a way for you both to get your needs met. Maybe you only spend short periods of time with your friend, not a whole weekend. Or you check in with your boyfriend  periodically when you see your friend. It really depends on the two of you. If it becomes too difficult, you may need a neutral party to help you establish appropriate boundaries around this issue. Good luck!


Question:
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.
 I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?

Response: It's completely understandable that you would have male friends and that you would want to spend time with them.  When you cross over from friends to a relationship, it does change things.  Some people are very easy going and wouldn't feel threatened by what you did  Others would be upset.  If your boyfriend is upset by you spending time with this male friend, then you need to talk about it.  Each of you needs to express your feelings about the situation and listen to the other with patience and respect.  Then you can make a decision on what is best for you and your relationship.  Maybe he wouldn't be upset if you saw this friend while you were with your boyfriend.  Or maybe your boyfriend would feel better if he got to know this person better and could trust him.  Most likely you can come up with a situation that will make both of you comfortable going forward.  You didn't do anything "wrong" because it doesn't sound like you intended to hurt your boyfriend.  But if you really care about your boyfriend, then you probably care about making him upset.  Instead of looking at this issue as a problem, try to look at it as an opportunity to connect.  If you can both listen to each other and understand each other, your relationship can become even closer.


Question:
I've been with my partner for 4 years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships.
 How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her?

Response: Two paths are possible.You're not overreacting and instead are genuinely sensing that something feels unsettled within your girlfriend.You are overreacting because you have difficulty accepting how safe and loving your relationship is with this person.The only way to find out is to start conversations with your girlfriend on how you feel.This will allow new light to open an answer as to the truth.Once you know what truly is going on between the two of you, your self-trust naturally will grow stronger. Self-trust will give you an accurate read of what and whom you are able to safely trust.


Question:
I've been with my partner for 4 years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships.
 How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her?

Response: Remember that all relationships center around 3 simple values: HonestyTrustand Respect......in that order, too...If you are unable to trust, then you are fundamentally dishonest about something in yourself;Moreover, whatever you do not honestly experience, you do not honestly express out to another;To be honest with oneself is where most people fall down... and, when you do fall down, pick yourself up... and get back on the horse :)


Question:
I've been with my partner for 4 years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships.
 How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her?

Response: What's most important is that you recognize that what you've been doing is off base - that what you've been feeling is "overreacting," that you have "insecurities," and you suspect your actions and reactions are connected to your own past and not to the current situation or to your partner. That's an excellent first step because without recognizing these things about yourself, it's unlikely that you would change.That said, you sound as if you are really ready to start some therapy to work on your own personal growth... not because there is something "wrong" with you, but because you're ready to learn more about yourself and make some creative changes in your behavior. Yes, there are lots of self-help books and courses, but we humans often make the most progress when we have support in  real-time from another human being who can sit with us, point out our blind spots, and teach us some skills that are hard to learn on our own.


Question: I've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it's just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?

Response: I can only imagine how hard that must have been to hear. On one hand, most of us would say we want our partners to always be honest with us, but on the other disclosures like this can lead to feelings of worry and inadequacy if we're not careful. So let me first of all say that it is very normal for human beings, even very committed and happy partners to have moments where they notice an attraction for someone else. Quite honestly, the brain can't help it. It sees something good looking and it pays attention. And when we pay attention to something good, our brains send out neurochemicals associated with that happy thought...and we get a rush of what your girlfriend is labeling "a crush." The difficulty here is deciphering whether she was just attempting to honor her commitment to you by sharing this feeling OR if she is continuing to feed those feelings. I would encourage you to thank her for being honest if you haven't already, and ask her to further describe the nature of these feelings and what she'd like to do from here. As weird as it is to say, at the end of the day, what helps the most is typically reassuring yourself that you WILL be okay not matter what! That it is worth it to invest in your relationship and give it your all and if someday, god forbid, this woman chooses to walk away, then she is not the one. Will it hurt? Of course. But is it the end? Hell no! There are 7.5 billion people on the planet and I firmly believe statistically speaking alone, there are at least several hundred thousand that could be AMAZING partners for you. Cheering you on,P.S. You might enjoy this excellent book by Esther Perel for further inquiry into the fascinating world of love and mating behaviors: "Mating in Captivity


Question: I've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it's just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?

Response: Hi! It sounds like you are stuck in a difficult place. You do not want to appear to jealous and yet, it's hard not to be, when you hear about "the crush". It's only natural to feel a little insecure and you're doing a great job by asking how to cope better. First of all, long-distance relationships are very hard. Is this situation likely to continue for a long period of time? The old adage that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" simply isn't true. It requires a lot of work to keep the fire burning. Are you, guys, talking to each other a lot? Visiting each other relatively often? Making common plans for those visits or your future together? Do you manage to have fun together, despite the distance (e.g., laugh on the phone, have "shared" experiences such as watching a movie simultaneously at your different locations, perhaps having phone sex)? All of the above are good ways to ensure that your bond stays strong and there will be less space left for interest in other people. Based on the fact that  your girlfriend told you about the crush t I would guess that she thinks it's innocent enough - nothing too threatening. Try to talk to her about your feelings and brainstorm together ways you can increase your intimacy, which will likely improve your sense of security in the relationship but also help her get over the crush. Good luck! Zofia


Question: I've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it's just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?

Response: Long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain, not just for the lack of communication, but also because of the lack of intimacy that comes along with it. Even if you have spectacular communication while in a long-distance relationship, it is difficult to maintain intimacy because you are lacking in the physical contact aspect of intimacy. Here, we are not talking about sex, but about the emotional connection that happens along with physical contact. It is also hard to have shared experiences when the two of you are in separate places. These are the challenges that you face, but there are some ways to improve your odds. The first thing to remember here is that dating is all about finding a person that you want to eventually dedicate your time, resources, and self to. If either of you finds that the relationship is one that you are not necessarily committed to, it is better to find out and have the opportunity to date others before a commitment is made. The second thing to remember is that open communication is a good sign in a relationship. That being said, I do not believe that sharing details about your "crushes" is the best thing for a relationship. Instead, I would recommend working on improving the relationship as best you can. It is a wonderful thing when we can feel that we have given our best efforts on something, especially something as important as the act of loving. Here are a couple things that you can do to improve even a long-distance relationship. Start by downloading the Gottman Card Decks App here https://www.gottman.com/couples/apps/. While on the phone or video chat, try asking each other some of these questions so that you can build a deeper knowledge of one another. Some may seem silly, but they help you know the other person more intimately. It is also helpful to make sure that you are having regular communication with each other. Some situations make it very difficult to communicate, but if at all possible, daily communication via phone or video chat would be best. Even if it is just for 30 minutes a day, really dedicate your time and attention to each other during those calls. Next, it can be helpful to know each other's love languages so you can show each other how much you really care. Take the assessment for the 5 Love Languages and talk about the results together. You can find the assessment here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/Attraction to other people is completely normal and involves biological processes. Intimacy, on the other hand, creates real connection and dedication to each other. Learn about each other, spend time together, and you will create intimacy.


Question: I've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it's just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?

Response: Thanks for writing in. Several things come to mind:I don't know how you are communicating, but there is a great deal of difference between communicating through videoconferencing compared to text message when discussing subjects like this. Being able to hear and/or see each other will help you to be able to gauge a lot of the emotions connected to what is going on.Are you in a place where you can ask your girlfriend questions about this crush and actually listen to her answers? If you can listen non-defensively and ask questions about what is actually going on (kind of like an investigative reporter might), you are likely to hear about her experience, thoughts, feelings, etc., so you can actually see what the crush is like for her and how you want to react to that.Then you could see if she is willing to listen to your questions and answer them for you.Another tip: Find out when is a good time to have this conversation. If you are talking to your girlfriend after she just worked a 10 hour shift and she is frustrated about that, it is likely that the emotion will transfer to the conversation that you are having even though it doesn't have anything to do with that.Find a way to keep yourself grounded and centered during the conversation. Notice your feet on the floor or your hips in the chair. Mindfully play with an object or something like a paperclip or a pen. Doing this mindfully (by being aware of your senses) will help you to not feel so overwhelmed during the conversation.After you have more details, communicate about what it is that you want or wish for. It is often easier to hear and discuss as opposed to talking about something that you need.Remember that while anger is a very real emotion, there is always something else under it. Be aware of what else could be there: hurt, disappointment, betrayal, fear, etc.


Question: I've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it's just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?

Response: Often, communication is the key within relationships. When faced with our significant other telling us about a crush, it can create or highlight feelings or thoughts that can promote feelings of insecurity. Talk to your partner about their crush and use the conversation to strengthen your bond.


Question: I've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it's just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?

Response: No one can tell you how to deal with your own relationship, even a therapist. But, you should absolutely give your girlfriend the respect of believing both of those statements she gives you: development of feelings and it being a "crush." If that makes you feel a certain way (mistrustful? no difference in feelings) then that is what is most important to understand. When you understand exactly how YOU feel about hearing this news, then we can know how you should deal with this.You have every right to be in the relationship or to leave the relationship. But if trust is broken, first and foremost it needs repairing. What that repair looks like varies (but can often involve couples therapy, which may be complicated because of the long-distance nature of the relationship.) Otherwise, staying in a relationship that has become mistrustful for you, and not prioritizing the repair, is a recipe for disaster.


Question: I've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it's just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?

Response: Long distance relationships have the addition strain of being far away.  It sounds like you and your girlfriend overcame the initial challenges considering that You've been together for over a year and she was honest in telling you about her crush.  These are some clear strengths in your relationship.  Now moving forward, continuing to have honest conversations about your relationship will help ensure you two are on the same page.  Explore with her how this crush came about and what her feelings are about this relationship.  Be prepared for the answers and express your feelings as well.  You've invested over a year in this relationship, it may be worth figuring out how to mend it.  Ignoring this issue will potentially lead to other issues.


Question: I've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it's just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?

Response: Did your girlfriend tell you her reason to tell you about the new person?Your feelings of insecurity is natural because you don't know where the crush fits into her life.Since any long-lasting relationship in which both people thrive, means each partner freely speaks their mind and will be listened and responded, then your current situation is a good one to start these foundations of talking with one another.Tell your girlfriend whatever is on your mind regarding her crush.   As your trusted partner, theoretically she would like to know all about how you feel.Keep the expectation that talking about anything at all, is the best sign of closeness.Once you learn more about this crush you can decide what, if anything to do differently in your relationship.


Question: I've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it's just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?

Response: Those words must have been extremely difficult to hear or read. It sounds like you are both having difficulty with the distance, and I can only imagine that you have both been coping with this distance as well as you can. There are a few scenarios that I think would have pretty radically different paths for your own mental health, and I would like to explore them separately. The first scenario is that she has this crush, but still chooses you and wishes to stay with you. Keeping the value of her choice in mind, and the bravery she has shown in admitting this crush, handling her gently in that vulnerable place will pay off. You may find it worthwhile to explain your feelings about it, to share how it is hurting you to know of this, and what she means to you. Explaining those feelings will help you to not act out in your with emotions to cover up by becoming angry or withdrawing. Acting in this way will help assure her of her choice in you, and sharing these emotions and feeling supported by her may help you cope with this.The other scenario is that she has a crush on this man and she is wanting to leave the relationship with you to have one with this other person. As before, it would be useful for you to share your feelings with someone. It can be difficult to process through these emotions, as they are intense and often overwhelming. In this scenario, it may be too difficult to share these feelings with your girlfriend, but it is still important that you acknowledge this loss and allow the associated emotions to have its place. Grieving the end of this relationship could be a great source of personal growth.I hope this has been of some help.


Question: I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much.

Response: If I understand you correctly, this "maybe-boyfriend" has done a partial break up, and wants to maintain a partial relationship.  Is that ok with you?  And, if it is, what does it cost you?  He says he's "done" but still wants the connection.  That seems to leave him free to explore other options, but it doesn't allow you to do the same.  Break ups are painful, and I know you'd like to avoid that.  I get it that you feel attached to him - you have been in a relationship with him for 4 years, so that makes sense.  However, loving him appears to be costing you a lot, without much in return. If you wait for him to define what he wants, you could be on hold for a long time.Please don't wait another year to advocate for yourself.  See a therapist who can help you figure out what you need out of relationships and why you have allowed yourself to be on "pause".   It is possible that once you get clear, you will be able to have a true relationship with him.  If not, please don't settle for this.  Take good care of yourself.


Question: I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much.

Response: That does sound very confusing...and hurtful.  You do not have to tolerate someone treating you in a way that hurts you.  It may be helpful to decide where the boundaries are for you and to stay true to them in your interactions with him.  You teach other people how they are allowed to treat you.


Question: I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much.

Response: Have you brought up the topic as to the way you're feeling?The best way for someone to understand us or to understand someone, is to directly talk about  the specific problem.To start the discussion w your partner, understand your own reasons for continuing the relationship.Given his stated disinterest in the relationship, your mood is probably affected by this.Once you are clear on how the range of your feelings, especially any fears on being alone, suggesting you may be staying w this guy simply to avoid such fears, then you'll be ready w your self-knowledge, to start a conversation w your partner about your relationship.


Question: I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much.

Response: This can be difficult and confusing.If you think your boyfriend would be open to having a discussion, try asking him for a time when he is willing to have an important discussion. When that time matches with a time that is good for you, try discussing the type of relationship that you each want to have and what you can start and stop doing to get there. He may want to be really good friends. He may also be trying to figure out what he is feeling. If you end up talking over one another, try letting one person be the one who is talking about their feelings for about five minutes and during that time, try having the other person asked questions to gain more understanding of their experience. Then you can switch. Also consider asking questions that cannot be answered with yes or no, but lead to more explanations.Questions that start with the words how, what, when, who are usually better than questions starting with "why" because they can be emotional triggers for some people.If this is difficult to do between the two of you, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples.


Question: I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?

Response: What an important question, and the fact that you're asking it is a big step in the right direction. To answer in detail would require having quite a bit more information about what "relationship problems" have occurred  that woke you up to the fact that you're not listening as well as you could and that you're running the risk of losing her.Given that I don't have all that information, I'll offer one simple suggestion. Your girlfriend is the expert on what she needs and wants in relationship. You could simply say to her that you know you still have a lot to learn about how to have a good relationship and you realize you're not yet understanding what she needs and you really want to. Then take a deep breath, settle down, and listen. Don't argue, don't interrupt, don't judge... listen. Let her know what you understand and that you're open to hearing more, learning more if you're not quite getting it yet... and then listen some more. Be present and curious about this person you love dearly and don't want to lose. This is the first step toward intimacy.


Question: I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?

Response: Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to say that it is great that you are are willing to admit that you share some responsibility in some of the relationship problems you are having. This isn't always easy to do, but it sure is important if you want to see improvement. It does sound cliche, but communication really is the bedrock of relationships. And not just intimate partner relationships, but really any relationship that is significant to us. It sounds like you are saying that you have a difficult time really listening to what your partner is telling you and then responding in a way that is helpful. I want to tell you that you are not alone. Good communication skills are not really something you are born with, we actually have to learn them. The good news is that there is great information available to help you do that. Ultimately, some people must seek professional help through couple's counseling in order to get help with this process. This is because some of the hurt and anger could be at such a level already that you may need help setting boundaries, creating a plan, learning new skills, and staying on track. If that is not something you can afford or can do right now, here are a few suggestions that may help. Personally, I am big fan of Dr. John Gottman. He is an expert in relationships and wrote a really great, easy-to-read book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman discusses the kind of communication that healthy couples seem to have, which can be helpful and worth trying. You can buy Dr. Gottman's book on Amazon for under $9. It's a good deal. There are a variety of websites that have good information that may help you build your communication. Here is one that I found that has a few good tips. http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/effective-communication.htm You can try them and see if they are helpful. ***It is important to remember that like all new skills, communication requires practice and we surely fail several times before we start getting good at it. If you were ever a pitcher in baseball, then you know you have to throw thousands of pitches before you really start hitting your strike zone consistently. Allow yourself to make mistakes, own them, and start again. I hope these suggestions help, and good luck.


Question: I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?

Response: Thanks for your question. Becoming a good listener is an essential piece in being a better communicator. Being an effective communicator will almost always improve the quality of your relationships. What stands in your way of listening to her? Do you find yourself becoming defensive when she brings up issues? Do you often find yourself thinking of what you want to say next? Do you take her words personally, preventing you from having the ability to problem solve?Here are some tips that may help you with being a better listener:1. Concentrate on what you are hearing, not on what you will say next.2. Ask questions if you need clarification or don't understand.3. Summarize what you're hearing after every couple of minutes to make sure that you're not missing anything.4. Ask your partner what she needs from you. Is she expecting advice or does she simply need to vent?5. Keep eye contact and avoid using non-verbal cues that demonstrate defensiveness or irritation such as eye rolling or crossing your arms.6. Remember that it's okay to disagree and, if this is the case, then decide as a team, how you want to move forward.I hope this helps. Good luck to you!


Question: I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?

Response: The best tool for becoming a better listener that I know of is called Imago Dialogue. It consists of 3 steps:1. Mirroring what she says (without judging, commenting, refuting, defending, arguing, or scoffing--just listening, no matter the content) and repeating it back, word-for-word. Continue to ask if she has more to add until she doesn't.2. Validating. You tell her you you understanding why she feels this way. (If you don't understand, then find a way.) You can also say, "That makes sense" or "I hear you" or "I get that."3. Empathizing. Tell her how you think she must feel about what she's telling you. Your job is to try and feel what it feels like to be her.This is a very different way of communicating than we're used to. My guess is that the arguments, discussions, and debates you've had with her have been counterproductive because you're both trying to win. With Imago Dialogue, you both win. She gets to be heard and you get to hear for a change.At the end of the exercise, switch roles. For more info: http://imagorelationships.org/pub/about-imago-therapy/imago-dialogue-101/


Question: I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?

Response: I love that you are so thoughtful and proactive about this!  If only every client came in as solution focused as you, my job would be so much easier. I would second Robin's suggestion of reading ANYTHING by Gottmann. He's fantastic. Other favorites of mine are:Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage by Dr. William & Carleen GlasserEight Lessons for a Happier Marriage by Dr. William & Carleen GlasserHold Me Tight by Dr. Sue JohnsonDivorce Busting: A Step-By-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again by Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W.The Five Love Languages by Gary ChapmanThe Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-Dependency the Other Side of Co-Dependency by Drs. Janae & Barry WeinholdI'll also add to Miriam's assertion that your partner is the expert on her. You can help things along by becoming a better expert on you as well. What is it that you are craving and likely trying to get your need met in potentially unhelpful ways from your girlfriend or in ways she doesn't understand or vibe with?  If you can better explain your own needs while trying to understand hers, you all have a recipe for great success! When both partners seek to serve one another and stay curious about each other in the process, intimacy abounds!Best of luck my friend! And if you get stuck, of course seeking help from a professional is always a great idea too. ;)


Question: I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?

Response: The first step for making this sort of change is being motivated to change and it sounds like you have that, so you are already on the right track.As far as learning how to listen, try some of these steps:Ask whether a certain time is a good time for your girlfriend to have an important conversationIf she has a subject that she would like to discuss, consider listening to her as an investigative reporter and asking questions that help you to gain more understanding of her experience. These questions usually begin with words like who, what, where, when. Questions starting with the word why can sometimes make people very uncomfortable because they may not explicitly know why they are asking for something or feeling a certain way. You can try communicating this way for just five minutes or so on until you feel as though you can restate what your girlfriend is saying and have her agree that you are recapturing the essence of what she is trying to communicateThen you can switch so she is listening to you trying to understand your experience. You could also start by talking about something that is important to you.Remember that stating that you follow or hear something that she is saying doesn't mean that you agreeAlso, try sticking to one subject at a time. It's difficult to really understand one topic if you are on to the next within just a minute or twoTry to use the word want or wish instead of need. Saying that you need something (or if your girlfriend would say that) that is not a need for safety or something like that can make whatever you are asking for sound like an obligation. That takes away from that whole motivation to change from inside the partner who is agreeing to change or try to changeSomething else to try would be using some sort of timeout. Consider this:Discuss the idea of using timeout before you actually need it and before the discussion starts. Timeout is a way to give each of you a way to calm down for five, 10, 15 minutes, or maybe even an hour. When there are a lot of emotions happening, each person gets wrapped up in protecting themselves from the emotions they are feeling and can lose track of what is actually going on in the conversation as compared to what they are perceiving.When using timeout, say to your girlfriend (or she can say to you) "I need an hour before we can go back to this." Then actually come back to the discussion.Some people are very afraid to use this technique because in the past not talking about something right away meant that it never was returned to and was never resolved in any way. This is why the agreement is important before you need it.While it may be helpful to ask your girlfriend what it is she may want from you, it is you that would be in charge of deciding whether you want to make that change and putting it into practice.Try to remember that part of being in a couple is holding onto your own wants, wishes, and desires while recognizing those of your partner.As one final idea, consider spending about 15 minutes a week together where you are not problem-solving about anything, just connecting with one another.I encourage you to see a therapist who specializes in couples if you would like some more specific ideas for what is happening within each of you and between you.Best wishes!


Question: I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?

Response: Let go of your ego, the ego tends to get in the way of things, be a man and listen, do not react so uch to life around you. life is not out to get you, just listen and work on how your reactive to people and sitations around you. C


Question: I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?

Response: I'm glad to read about your willingness to develop new ways to invest yourself with your partner.The easier way to fix a relationship is when both people are helped to recognize the ways the couple dynamic falls short of what each person would like.Couples therapy is exactly this.Still, relationships can change if one person changes since changing one part of a system will change the system itself.Besides starting to work with a therapist on what you can do differently, reflect within yourself on the situations when problems arise between the two of you.See if you can figure out what you wanted and what you partner wanted in that particular moment. Was one of you trying to help the other and the person felt insulted by the suggestion of needing help?This is only an example of how intentions are misread or not welcome by one partner from the other.Also keep in mind there is a limit to everyone's flexibility.Reflecting and self-awareness are the first step.The second step is to know when you've reached the end of possibilities to change yourself and not be accepted for who you are.This raises the question of whether the two of you are far apart in similarities in order to be happy together.Good luck in enjoying the changes you will try to make!


Question: I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?

Response: Hard to say a whole lot without knowing more. However, if you focus your attention on her, what she's saying, what she's feeling instead of trying to make yourself heard and understood first, that's often a good step. Also, work on building win-win agreements with her, and follow through on them. Those are the areas I see men fall short on most often. Hope that helps!


Question: Recently my boyfriend broke up with me because of my bad language. But he thinks I'm a total b***h. I know I'm bipolar and can be selfish. He called me today and says he can't go through with the breakup. I was broken and didn't want a breakup to begin with, but I know I'm horrible at times and can't help it. It's like I'm battling myself. What do you feel?

Response: Both options seem reasonable.  Seeking individual therapy will help you to cope with the mood changes that come with bipolar disorder, will give you a space to vent your negative thoughts, and will allow you to find the coping mechanism to address life and relational challenges.  IF your boyfriend is interested in attending couples therapy with you, it will assist in identifying the problems in the relationship that pushed him to the breakup and will give both of you the tools to communicate and resolve conflicts.


Question: I told him I liked him. He called me lovely and pretty but he said he didn't want a relationship. He would always flirt with me.

Response: Well, as disappointed as you may very well feel from hearing this guy's answer, you know he doesn't want a relationship.What type of move would you like him to make?If you mean you'd be happy to have sex with this guy and not a relationship, then wait for as long as your patience allows.To wait for him to change his mind that he does want a relationship, doesn't have a very strong base on which to stand.Its possible to do this only consider the emotional price of your frustration to wait for someone to change their mind.


Question: I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the "perfect guy"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?

Response: Attraction is important but sometimes over-rated. I'm curious about your comment that you are not as attracted as you "should be" - What is your measuring stick is for what you are supposed to feel in terms of attraction in a relationship? Do you want to be sexually intimate? Do you enjoy having sex with him? Are you satisfied with your sexual relationship when you are with him? The fact that there is lust for other more attractive men does not necessarily mean anything. There will always be attractive men and more attractive men than your partner and these attractive men will be even more appealing when you are in a long-distance relationship far from the arms of your partner. Loving someone does not mean that you stop being a sexual being who no longer notices and desires attractive men. Attraction results from a number of factors beyond appearance - including the degree to which you feel emotionally open, safe, and connected and how in tune you are with each other's bodies. It sounds like you think very highly of this man "everything else is perfect about him". Maybe it is worth spending some more time together in the same place if that is possible before deciding on marriage or that you are not truly in love.


Question: I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the "perfect guy"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?

Response: The basic guideline for relationship satisfaction, is to know what you can and cannot live with and without.  And, since you are considering marriage, for how long do you imagine yourself being satisfied living with and without certain qualities of your partner.There is a hard wired dynamic between two people that defines the basic structure of the relationship.While life is filled with surprises and can change in an instant, the basic way in which the partners of a couple, connect.Do you understand why you are not attracted to your partner?   Whatever the reason, now is a good time to state this about yourself.  He may be quite willing and interested in developing new ways of sexually stimulating you.  Maybe he is just as shy about talking about this topic as you are.  On some level he must know that he doesn't satisfy you.  He may be relieved to hear you bring up the topic!As always, remember that if discussing a relationship matter feel hard to start, consider utilizing therapy services with a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist.


Question: I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the "perfect guy"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?

Response: Hi Montgomery, Your first sentence says it all. He might be an amazing person, but there's something missing for you. I'm curious...you say this is a long distance relationship. Did you make a connection through social media or email first? Maybe a dating website? I'm just wondering if this is the case. These modern ways of meeting people are awesome because we can be exposed to a wide variety of people who we never would meet in the grocery store or a friend's party. There are complications, though, and one of the drawbacks is you can feel very connected to someone and care about them a great deal before you ever meet them in person. Then, when you finally meet them and there isn't that spark of magnetic physical attraction, you're in a bit of a difficult spot because you've already established that you're drawn to each other in other ways; you're already connected. It can be very awkward then to say "Now that I meet you, it doesn't feel the way it should for me". In the future, I suggest meeting up in person early on, to answer that crucial question "Are we physically attracted to each other?". Clearly, this is not only important for you, but it is for most of us.My guess is that you feel you owe this man your affection and commitment even though you're not really all that into him (lusting after other men is a sign of that), because you like absolutely everything else about him. But honesty is crucial here, both with yourself and this man. Just because you don't find yourself attracted to him doesn't mean that you're a bad person, or that he's not attractive. Someone else might drool over him and I think he deserves someone who does just that. You can have both love and lust. For most people, only one of them isn't enough.


Question: I met this girl in high school. She had switched schools at the end of the year, and I have not seen her since. It's been a few years. We had a very good and friendly relationship, and we seemed to have a lot in common. I never gained the courage to ask her out.

Response: One way to make good use of the situation you describe is to prepare and rehearse within yourself the way you'd handle a similar situation in the future.Since a lot of time has gone by since you and this girl saw each other on a regular basis, right now you've got no idea if you'd feel the same way about her today as you did a few years ago.The relationship does point out the priorities and values you hold for a potential partner.  That you liked the friendliness you shared is good for you to recognize.  This way you realize you like friendship as a relationship property.  To have lots of similar interests, is another quality you appreciate in a partner.The more you know about what you do and don't like in a partner, the greater your chance to notice these qualities in someone new who comes along your path.


Question: My boyfriend is in recovery from drug addiction. We recently got into a fight and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship.

Response: My empathy goes out to you. Relationships are tough enough and i'm sure your partner being distant has been upsetting for you. You are confused and want to mend the relationship with him, but are finding it so hard to do. Relationships require both people to work consistently in order to keep them happier, but if it is only you that is actively trying to repair the relationship, it can be emotionally draining. Perhaps expressing you feel using I, you statements can be beneficial. Do not accuse him or use "you" statements like "you are so distant"  or "you don't even care".Start out sharing your feelings by saying "I feel sad when you don't return my phone calls" or "I feel confused about our relationship ever since you have been keeping to yourself". He may have a valid point, or might have been hurt by the argument and retreated as a result of it. Regardless of why, use this time as a great opportunity to practice healthy communication. If you think you are not ready for a conversation like that, couples counseling can be excellent. You will have a skilled facilitator guide the conversation and help you both communicate with one another.


Question: My boyfriend is in recovery from drug addiction. We recently got into a fight and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship.

Response: I'm sorry you have tension between you and your bf.A relationship means two people who relate, right?!   If only one person does all the work to change their approach, what they expect, what they offer the other, then this becomes the new problem to solve.If you've already done a significant amount of reflection and change in the way you relate to him, then the next step may be to be patient as long as possible while he decides what to change about his part in the relationship toward you.Substance abuse recovery requires profound effort and reflection.  If it is successful then the result will show very different qualities in your bf than the ones you know currently.He may be so absorbed in the recovery that he can only concentrate on this.   Of course if the fights persist and you have been patient for what feels too long, then there are different questions to address.


Question: My boyfriend is in recovery from drug addiction. We recently got into a fight and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship.

Response: I would first suggest you sitting down with him and voicing your concerns about how distant he has been, or more importantly you have felt that he is.  This will give clarification to the situation as we need to remember that everyone's perception can be different. Remember that relationships take work and take communication.


Question: I was never single, afraid to be alone, and I looked for my boyfriend to make me happy. I finally worked on my self, was in a relationship, and I did everything a healthy girlfriend does and it didn't work out. Now months later, no man peaks my interest. Am I ready to date again? Is there a reason no one sparks my interest?

Response: Yes, of course there's a reason!There's always a reason for most dynamics!Depending on the nature and qualities of what changed as a result of your new self realizations, you may be more deeply affected by your new awareness than how you imagined these would go.Since you already are on the best road possible for yourself, since this resulted from your own introspection, keep trusting your own self work as to what develops and at what pace your relationship attraction qualities grow.


Question: My boyfriend is always saying he's done with me and says he's leaving, but then at the end of the night, he's still here. He wakes up in the morning, acts like nothing happen, and repeats this every night.

Response: Do the two of you ever talk over why he does this or your reaction to it?Are you asking your question because his behavior upsets you or only out of curiosity to understand him better?Basically, first know your own reason for your question.   Then go ahead and tell him if what he does bothers you.  In the best of cases, he doesn't realize how his actions affect you and he will change.


Question: I was with my boyfriend for years on and off. We dated and broke up three times. Since we broke up five months ago I can't move on. I want to get back together but he won't talk to me. What should I do?

Response: Probably being sad to lose the relationship would be a good next move for you.When a relationship ends the daily life structure changes significantly.  A break up means adjusting to differences in everyday life, not only that the person is no longer connected with us.Since your boyfriend isn't talking to you then you're keeping yourself sadder than necessary to not accept his actions.  There's nothing you or anyone else can do change the fact that when someone decides to stop talking, this person is the only one who's in charge to start talking.Maybe since you've had several breakups w this person that you require more time to pass before you're willing to accept that his changed interest in the relationship is permanent.Be patient with your uncertainty as to whether he will or will not resume the relationship.  Once enough time passes so that you're considerably past the point at which you and he come together, then accepting his leave-taking will feel natural.Right now its very understandable to have hope since you've been on this road before.  In time you'll have your answer as to whether your future is with him or not.


Question: I really like this guy and I think he likes me back, but his sister is my bestfriend. I'm afraid that if I tell her I have a crush on her brother she would loose it. I once told her I thought her brother was cute and she got really angry. I've gotten to know her brother better lately and I've realized he may actually feel the same way. I don't want to lose her friendship. What do I do?

Response: Do you and the brother to whom you feel attracted, ever see each other or are in surroundings in which the sister/your friend, isn't?If yes, then this gives you the chance to find out whether you and the brother actually do like each other.If no, then definitely have a private and direct conversation with your friend about the fact you're attracted to the brother.Find out the reason your friend becomes angry to hear you like the brother.Anything is possible from, she'd like to warn you about qualities in her brother which you may not know and if you did, wouldn't like or react negatively.Or, if protection isn't your friend's reason, then maybe she's fearful to lose your friendship if you start a relationship with the brother.Friends are people who care about each others' lives.  Let your friendship with this girl work on behalf of each of you!


Question:
I feel like I took our relationship for granted and he's now to the point that he's giving up.
 I have had trouble feeling like I could trust him but he's given me no reason not to trust him. I know my attitude is also a big issue for him. I have a lot of obligations at home so we don't spend a lot of time together. How can I fix this relationship?

Response: A key factor in a relationship is trust.I'd start by understanding more about why you feel unable to trust your bf.Does this have something to do with a bad encounter you had from previous relationships, or with a sibling or parent?Its also possible you're intuitively sensing you can't trust your bf bc he's not trustworthy.  Sometimes people sense the basic safety items in a relationship before they emerge.Also, your bf may have similarly suffered broken trust and he gives off a feeling of not welcoming your trust.Its possible you're feeling his own self-protection about being in a relationship with you.The best way to open these topics is to actually talk about them together with him.Whatever the underlying tensions are, talking about them always adds positive feeling and confidence to a relationship.


Question: Whenever I sing along with a song that I like (even if it's just for the beat and not the lyrics), my boyfriend assumes that the words of the song mean something negative about our realationship. I don't why he gets so mad and assumes I mean something negative from every song. Now I can't enjoy and sing a song without him thinking I'm trying to give him a hint. He even accuses me of cheating and lying. It's driving me nuts. I love him and would never do such an awful thing ever. How can I get him to understand?

Response: Well, have you told him similar descriptions of your feelings as you just wrote here?This will give him the same understanding you're allowing us to have here on this site.Keep in mind that the best, the amount and the number of times you tell your boyfriend some information about you, still means that whether or not he is willing to accept and rely on your information, is in his hands only.Try to feel satisfied with your own effort to explain yourself.   Another path to open is to ask your boyfriend his reason to feel insecure about your love for him.  This may open a wider discussion about what he feels he'd like from you so he feels good in the relationship.


Question: I have a lot of child custody concerns, financial issues, insecurities and weigh gain. I also have no local family support. It's hard for me to stay positive. I get very emotional and take it out on the people I love. How can I stay strong?

Response: There's online forums and blogs, some of which have interactive discussion groups.Also, depending on exactly  what you mean by becoming "emotional", feeling overwhelmed by feelings typically happens when people feel a lot of stress and pressure in their lives.   Loneliness contributes to feeling overwhelmed too.Your feelings may be perfectly normal.Similarly, depending on what you mean "take it out on" people, you may be expecting too much of yourself.If you're expecting other people to listen to your upset feelings, this is reasonable.If you're harming them as a a result of your upset feelings, this is unreasonable.Depending on what exactly you are doing when you "take it out", you may be quite reasonable to do so.