Air Date: 25 Feb 2011

INT. Bobby's HOUSE

Sam: Where's Bobby?

Dean: In town, supply run.

Sam: In this?

Dean: Yeah, man's a hero. We were officially out of hunter's helper. (Dean gestures at his empty liquor bottle)

BALTHAZAR

- Hello, boys. You've seen "the Godfather," right?

Dean: Balthazar...

BALTHAZAR

You know, the end, where Michael Corleone sends his men to k*ll his enemies in one big, bloody swoop? (Bathazar finds a container of salt and pours it into a bowl on Bobby's desk)

Dean: Hey!

BALTHAZAR 

"d*ad sea brine." good, good, good. You know, Moe Greene gets it in the eye, and Don Cuneo gets it in the revolving door?

Dean: I said "hey."

BALTHAZAR

You did. Twice. Good for you. Blood of lamb. Blood of lamb. (looking through Bobby's fridge contents) Beer, cold pizza. Blood of lamb. Yes! Blood of lamb!

Sam: Why are you talking about "the Godfather"?

BALTHAZAR

Because we're in it -- right now, tonight. And in the role of Michael Corleone -- The archangel Raphael.

Dean: You mind telling us what you mean?

BALTHAZAR

No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. (empties the contents of Bobby's desk drawer) Yes. Bone of a lesser saint. This vertebra will do very nicely. Your Mr. Singer does keep a beautiful pantry.

Dean: Wait, Raphael is after you?

BALTHAZAR

Raphael is after us all. You see, he's consolidated his strength. And now he's on the move.

Sam: And where's Cass?

BALTHAZAR

Oh, Cassie? He is deep, deep underground. So, good old Raffy put out a h*t list on every last Samaritan who helped our dear Cass -- Including both of you. And so much more importantly, me. See, he wants to draw Cass out in the open.

Sam: And you expect us to just believe you?

BALTHAZAR

Oh, don't. You'll go where I throw you either way.

Dean: What's that supposed to mean?

(lightning flashes)

BALTHAZAR

That's all the time we have, gentlemen. (Balthazar opens his jacket revealing a bloodstain on his side) Where is it?

Dean: Whoa. What happened there?

BALTHAZAR

Oh. Garish, I know. You see, uncle Raffy sent one of his nastiest to handle me. I'm flattered, actually. And down a lung at the moment, but that's all right. (hands Sam keys) Oh, here's for you.

Sam: What am I supposed to do with this?.

BALTHAZAR

Run with it.

(Balthazar is thrown across the room as an angel, Virgil appears)

BALTHAZAR

Virgil. (to Sam and Dean) I said, run! ( pushes them through the window which is marked with a blood sigil)

(Sam and Dean crash through Bobby's window and land on a mattress on a tv show set)

BOB SINGER

Cut!

CREWMEMBER

(patting Dean on the rear)

Real good solid fall. Way to go.

BOB SINGER

Jared, Jensen! Outstanding! That was just great.

CREWMEMBER

"Supernatural,"scene one echo, take one. Tail slate. Marker!

INT. SUPERNATURAL SET

Sam: So...No angels?

Dean: No angels, I think.

BOB SINGER

But that was great!

SERGE

...it's not a problem with the stunt. It's a problem with the...signal.

Sam: Should we be k*lling anybody?

SERGE

Interference.

Dean: I don't think so.

BOB SINGER

Well, how much did we get?

Sam: - Running?

KEVIN

About half.

Dean: Where?

KEVIN

Gets us right up to where they --Just before they h*t the window.

BOB

You know, the part where they h*t the window is the good part.

KEVIN

Well, we can clean up, reset the window, takes about 95 minutes, basically. So, we'd have to blow off the scene where they sit on the impala

and talk about their feelings.

(Sam picks up a piece of the 'window' which wobbles back and forth, clearly made of some kind of gel.)

BOB

Ha. Right. You answer the hate mail.

KEVIN

Or we could have them fly at the window, then freeze frame. Then cut to black, act out.

BOB

Freeze frame.

KEVIN

Um...Yeah. Freeze frame.

SERGE

Serviceable.

BOB

Fine. Whatever. Season six. Moving on.

KEVIN

Moving on! That's a wrap on Jared and Jensen!

Sam: W-who the hell are --

INTERVIEWER

Jared! Three minutes, okay? Great. (takes Sam by the hand and leads him away)

Dean: Where are we going?

MAKEUP ARTIST

Jensen, there you are! Let's just get you in the chair.

Dean: "chair"?

MAKEUP ARTIST

Okay, hon, we're just gonna get this makeup off your face.

Dean: Wha--I'm not wearing any ma--(Dean looks at the cloth the makeup artist has just wiped over his face to find it covered in foundation) Oh, crap! I'm a painted whore!

TRISH

Trish Evian here with Jared Padalecki from tv's "Supernatural."

So, Jared, season six.

(Sam is looking over his shoulder into the set of the panic room and turns back in confusion)

Sam: What?

TRISH

You b*at the devil, lost your soul, and got it back again. So tell us, what's next for Sam Winchester?

Sam: Look, I-I-I really don't --

TRISH

Oh, and if you could include the question in your answer? Thanks.

(Sam laughs nervously)

(Dean meets up with Sam)

Sam: Hey.

Dean: Dude, they put freakin' makeup on us! Those bastards!

Sam: Look, I think I know what this is.

Dean: Okay. What?

Sam: It's a tv show.

Dean: You think?

Sam: Yeah. I mean, here --wherever "here" is, this -- this twilight zone Balthazar zapped us into. For whatever reason, our life is a tv show.

Dean: Why?

Sam: I don't know.

Dean: No, seriously. Why? Why would anybody want to watch our lives?

Sam: Well, I mean, according to that interviewer, not very many people do.

Look, I'm not saying it makes sense. I'm just saying, we -- we landed in some dimension where you're Jensen Ackles, and I'm something called a "Jared Padalecki."

Dean: So what, now you're polish? Is any of this making any sense to you?

(they exit the studio and see the Impala)

EXT. BACKLOT

Dean: Oh, hey. Least my baby made it.

(a crewmember starts flinging mud onto the windshield)

Dean: Hey. Hey! What -- (Dean sees 3 more Impalas) I feel sick. I'm gonna be sick. I want to go home. I feel like this whole place is bad-touching me.

Sam: Yeah, I know. Me too. So, what do you think? Cass?

Dean: He's our best sh*t, if he's still alive. Dear Castiel, who art maybe running his ass away from heaven, we pray that you have your ears on. So... Breaker breaker...

( they spot Castiel a short distance away)

Dean: Cass? Cass! Hey, Cass! Oh, thank god. What is all this, huh? W-w-what did Balthazar do to us?

MISHA

To keep you out of virgil's reach, he's cast you into an alternate reality, a universe similar to ours in most respects yet dramatically different in others.

Dean: Like -- like bizarro earth, right? Except instead

of having Bizarro superman, we get this clown factory.

MISHA

Um...Yeah, well...Anyway, no time to explain. Do you have the key?

Sam: Yeah.(hands Misha the key) So, uh, what does this thing do, anyway?

MISHA

It opens a room.

Dean: What's in the room?

MISHA

Every w*apon Balthazar stole from heaven.

Dean: He gave it to us?

MISHA

To keep it safe until I could reach you. With those w*apon, I have a chance to rally my forces.

Sam: Oh. Okay, good. Yeah. So, now, uh, what's the deal with all this tv crap?

MISHA

Pardon?

Dean: Yeah. Amen, Padaleski.

Sam: Uh, "lecki."

Dean: What?

Sam: Lecki. Pretty sure.

MISHA

Man.(pulling out his script) Did they put out new pages?

Dean: New what?

Sam: I mean, is this some kind of cosmic joke?

Dean: Yeah, 'cause if it is, it's stupid, and we don't get it.

Sam: Yeah.

MISHA

Are you guys okay?

Dean: (grabs the script from Misha) Give me that. What is -- these are words in a script. This isn't Cass. 

Sam: Dude, look at him.

MISHA

(unbutonning his shirt to reveal a patterned new age t-shirt underneath) You guys want to run lines, or...?

Dean: His name's Misha. Misha?

Sam: Oh, wow. Just...Great.

Dean: Misha? Jensen? What's up with the names around here?

MISHA

You guys! You really punked me! I'm totally gonna tweet this one. (pulls out his phone and starts typing) "Hola, mishamigos. "J-squared... Got me good."

Dean: I just want to dig my finger in my brain and scratch until we're back in Kansas.

MISHA

"Really...Starting to feel... Like one of the guys."

(Dean and Sam walk by a giant trailer)

Sam: Hey. "J. Ackles."

Dean: That's fake me!

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: This must be fake mine.(they enter the trailer) Dude, I have a helicopter!

INT. TRAILER

Sam: Oh. All right, who puts a 300-gallon aquarium in their trailer?

Dean: Apparently, Jensen Ackles.

Sam: Huh. (spots a laptop) All right, here we go. Let's see who this guy is.

Dean: Well, he's not a hunter, but he plays one on tv. (gestures to the large tv at the back of the trailer that's playing the season 4 gag reel) Oh. ( picks up a magazine with Jared and Jensen on the cover) Come on. Look at these male-modelin' sons of bitches. Nice "blue steel,"Sam.

Sam: Hey. Apparently, it's our job. All right, uh, here goes. Um...It says

you're from Texas.

Dean: Really?

Sam: Yeah. And, uh...Oh. Says you were on a soap opera.

Dean: What?

(they watch a clip of Jensen on Days of our Lives)

'If I didn't have cancer, and I wasn't married, and I had plenty of money... Would you -- would you want to run away with me?'

'Money? What, you think I really care about money, Nicole?  I care that you're healthy.'

'Well, I'm no quitter, Eric.I-I --'

(Dean slams the laptop shut)

Dean: Don't like this universe, Sammy. We need to get out of this universe.

Sam: Yeah. No argument here. But I don't think our -- our prayers are reaching Cass. Or the real Cass.

Dean: Well, I agree. I think we are definitely out of, uh, soul-phone range. But...

Sam: What?

Dean: If we can reverse Balthazar's spell... I watched every move. (Dean sketches out the sigil)We just, uh, get the ingredients, right, get back to that Same window, and...There's no place like home.

INT. SUPERNATURAL SET

Sam: Backbone of a lesser saint. (Sam pulls the bone out of Bobby's drawer) Got it. Uh...(Sam pokes at the bone and realizes it is fake) It's rubber.

Dean: Check this out. (holds up a prop dagger and bends the blade back and forwards) Hey, look. It's fake. (Dean jabs the fake dagger at Sam's chest) It's all fake!

BOB

(watching through the window of the set)

Well, at least they're talking to each other.

Dean: What are we supposed to do with this crap?

EXT. BACKLOT

Sam: 'course everything is fake. We're on a film set.(they approach one of the Impalas) We got to get back to the real world.

Dean: Yeah, now you're talking. (they get in the Impala and start driving) All right, we go round up the genuine articles, bring 'em here for the spell.

(to the car) What the hell is going on? What is wrong with this thing?

CREWMEMBER

(running alongside Impala, knocking on the window) Mr. Ackles! Mr. Ackles, please!

Sam: Uh, Dean?

CREWMEMBER

God, Mr. Ackles, please!

Sam: Dean, it's not the impala.

CREWMEMBER

Please! Stop.

Sam: You think?

CREWMEMBER

Please!

Dean: It's a frigging prop! Just like everything else.

(they stop and exit the Impala)

CREWMEMBER

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for...

Dean: How the hell are we supposed to get out of here?

INT. CAR

CLIF

You know whereabouts you want me to drop you off? Jensen?

Dean: Me? Yes. Um...I -- I'll just tag along with, uh...

Sam: Jared. 

Dean: Jared...Jared here.

CLIF

Huh. Since when are you guys talking?

Sam: Yeah, uh, y-you know what, Clint, uh...

CLIF

Uh, uh, Clif.

Sam: Y-yeah. Yeah, of course. Clif. Obviously. Um, so, uh, I think we're gonna go back to my place a-and do some...work.

Dean: Work on our acting.

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: For our characters. For the show.

Sam: Yeah.

CLIF

All right.

Dean: Where the hell are we, anyway? (sees a Welcome to Vancouver sign) Dude, we're not even in America.

EXT. PADALECKI MANSION

(Sam and Dean enter the mansion)

INT. PADALECKI MANSION

Dean: Nice modest digs, Jay-z.

Sam: Wow. I must be the star of this thing.

Dean: Yeah, right. Check it out. (nods towards a tanning bed)

Sam: What am I, Dracula?

Dean: George Hamilton Dracula. (Dean spots a liquor cabinet) Oh. Now we're talking. (peering out the glass doors) Dude, you have a camel in your backyard.

GENEVIEVE

It's an alpaca, dumbass.

Dean: Ruby?

GENEVIEVE

"Ruby." right. That one never gets old. (to Sam) How was work today, hon?(kisses Sam)

INT. PADALECKI MANSION

Dean: Wait. You and Ruby?

GENEVIEVE

Do you honestly think that's funny,  Jensen?

Dean: Right. Right. 'cause you're not Ruby. You...I mean,  how could you be? You...Of course! You are the lovely actress who plays Ruby. And you are, uh, in...Jared's house, Uh, because you two are...(spots a photo on the mantle of Jared and Genevieve's wedding)...Married! You married fake Ruby?

GENEVIEVE

What are you doing?

Sam: Work. Work.

Dean: Yeah, just, uh, thought I'd pop in, say "hey." Hey. Uh, and -- and --and maybe run some lines. It's...

GENEVIEVE

You've never even been to our house.

Dean: Well, now that I know there's an alpaca out back, I'm definitely coming back.

GENEVIEVE

Well, alpacas are the greenest animal.

Dean: Right. Right. That is so important.

GENEVIEVE

Well, there's that thing I have to get to.

Sam: Oh, yeah. Of course, yeah. The thing.

GENEVIEVE

The international otter adoption charity dinner?

Sam: Oh.

GENEVIEVE

Okay, well...(kisses Sam) Well, I'm glad you two are talking, anyway.

Sam: Yeah.

(they watch Genevieve leave the room)

Dean: Well, looks like you did all right.

Sam: Yeah. Yeah. I should figure out her name.

INT. PADALECKI MANSION - LIBRARY

(Sam is sitting at a desk with a computer in front of a giant portrait of Jared as a cowboy with a suit of armor on either side)

Sam: "wrist bone of saint and holy reliquary. Museum-quality, from diocese in Oaxaca." - Looks legit.

Dean: - All right. Auction house is in Mexico City. We could be there day after tomorrow. We, uh, case it, yank it, be back here by the end of the week.

Sam: Or we could just buy it.

Dean: What?! Dude, that thing's over a hundred thou--

(Sam holds up a black credit card)

Dean: Hello, Jared Padalecki.

Sam: (on the phone)Cubrir a su amigo en la aduana. no? Bueno. 

Dean: Triple rush. No problemo. Because money is no ob--This baby's maxed.

Sam: Wow. They said it should be at the airport first thing in the morning.

Dean: Money, man. There is nothing like it. All right. Couch. Tv star. Beauty rest. (Dean jumps onto the large black couch and lays down) Ahh.

INT. PADALECKI MANSION - HALLWAY

(Sam walks into the hall and spots Genevieve)

Sam: Hey! Hey. Hi. Hi, uh, Gen--Genevieve. Gen?

GENEVIEVE

Gen.

Sam: Gen. Of course. Yeah. Um, so, h--how was the...Otter thing?

GENEVIEVE

It was good.

Sam: Yeah?

GENEVIEVE

Everybody missed you there.

Sam: Oh. Wow. Wow. I bet. So -- so listen, I-I got to ask you a question. Do you remember, uh, uh, year before last, all those disasters?

GENEVIEVE

Disasters?

Sam: Yeah.Yeah, yeah, the whole earthquake spike. You know, the -- the 9.2 in Rome? I mean, the --the 8.5 outside Boston? The whole east/west

tsunami chain?

GENEVIEVE

Yes. I remember all of those from last season on your show.

Sam: No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I-I know. I know. That -- that's what I mean.

That's what I was... (Sam takes a drink from his beer)

GENEVIEVE

You have been Sam Winchester way too long. (Genevieve kisses Sam, takes him by the hand, and leads him upstairs)

EXT. AIRPORT

(Sam receives package from an airplane)

Sam: Thanks.

INT. CAR

CLIF

So I don't mean to pry, but, uh, why are we picking up packages at 8:00 A.M. that haven't cleared customs yet?

Dean: Just saving time.

(Sam enters the car with the package)

Dean: All right, here we go.

CLIF

We're not doing anything illegal, are we?

Sam: Would it make you feel better if we said no?

CLIF

No.

INT. SUPERNATURAL SET - Bobby's HOUSE

(Sam and Dean open the package and are surprised when the lights above them turn on)

Dean: Whoa. What?

BOB

We finish today in 12 hours if it kills us all. Get "a" and "b" cam for scene 12. What is this? (to Sam and Dean) Here for the first run-through, before anyone else? Dedication.

Dean: (to Bob) Uh, can I talk to you for a second? Um, we're gonna need the, uh, set cleared for -- safe side, an hour or so.

BOB

You need it cleared.

Dean: Yeah. Yeah. Me and, um...Jared were gonna do some actor stuff.

BOB

Jensen, we're thrilled to see you collaborating so creatively. And your enthusiasm is refreshing. Dean Cain was like that on "Lois," And that man's a real actor. And we will clear this set exactly when we sh**t the 2 3/8 pages we are scheduled to sh**t on this set. So you do your "actor stuff" and we'll do our "camera stuff" and, uh...

(Dean walks away sheepishly)

MISHA

Ooh, "priority."what's in it?

Sam: I bought part of a d*ad person.

MISHA

Oh, cool.

Dean: Uh, so, bad news. Uh...Looks like we're gonna have to do a little acting.

Sam: What?

CREWMEMBER

"Supernatural" scene 36, take 1. Marker!

BOB

Action!

(Sam and Dean stand behind Misha. Sam looks utterly terrified and Dean is staring earnestly)

MISHA

Balthazar is no hero. But he knows Raphael will never take him back.

(Misha turns around. Sam flinches, Dean walks forward and then looks down at his mark and moves over to his right)

BOB

Cut!

CREWMEMBER

"Supernatural" scene 36, take 8. Marker!

BOB

Action!

(Sam seems unsure of what to do with his arms and keeps rearranging them, folding, unfolding)

MISHA

Balthazar is no hero. But he knows Raphael will never take him back.

Dean: (looks at he script in his hand) Dean, grimly. And yet, somehow you got

no problem with it.

BOB

Cut!

(Misha turns to the camera and mouths 'what the hell')

BOB

Action.

Sam: That's because...That's because we have no other choice.

Dean: Don't look at the camera.

Sam: What?

Dean: Look anywhere but the camera.

Sam: (looking at the ceiling) That's because we have no other choice!

BOB

Cut! For the love of...

Action.

Cut!

Sam: (raising his arm stiffly) If there's a key, then (raising other arm) there must also be a lock.

BOB

Cut.

Action.

Sam: If there's a key...then there has to be a lock. And when we find the lock, we can get the w*apon, and then we can have the w*apon. And the lock. We'll still have the lock, I imagine, because we've opened it, and,

of course, the initial key.

Dean: We need to get all three of that crap.

Sam: What?

Dean: That's how he talks.

Sam: Oh.

Dean: ( out the window, at Bob)Do we really need all these lines? I mean, I-I-I-I think we've covered it.Right?

BOB

Cut! What is happening? What's happening?! What's happening?!

SERGE

An atrocity is happening.

KEVIN

Seems like they should stop.

BOB

They can't stop. Nobody stops. Did we get anything we can use?

KEVIN

Well, uh, technically, we have them saying everything in bits and pieces. Could be sort of experimental?

BOB

Whatever. Season six.

Sam: (looking at script) Who wrote this? Nobody says "penultimate!"

Dean: g*n, mouth. (makes g*n gesture at his mouth) Now.

KEVIN

Moving on!

Dean: Thank god.

MISHA

(tweeting on his phone)"I-m-h-o, 'J' and 'J' had a late one last night."

(Sam and Dean rapidly unpack the package and assemble the spell)

Dean: All right, damn it. We earned this.

MISHA

"r-o-t-f-l-m-a-o."

SERA

(via Bob's phone)Spell it out for me, please. What is our terror-alert level here?

BOB

I don't know, Sera. Orange, maybe? They started talking to each other.

SERA

What?! But that's a good thing.

BOB

Right. I thought so. But now Jensen's living at Jared's house.

(Dean completes the blood sigil on the window)

Sam: That's it?

BOB

Plus, Clif says they're smuggling illegal stuff in from Mexico.

Dean: That's it, toto.

KEVIN

Misha's celebrity tweet says it's a black-market organ thing. I'm betting drugs.

BOB

Anyway, as far as I can see, I think they've lost any shred of talent they ever had.

(Sam and Dean come crashing through the window, but just land on the other side of the set)

KEVIN

Drugs.

INT. JENSEN's TRAILER

Sam: Maybe we did it wrong.

Dean: No. No, that --that spell was perfect. It should have worked.

Sam: What if it can't? Look, I was up all night, looking online. There's no sign that anything like the apocalypse happened here. Ever. And as far as I can tell, monsters, ghosts, demons --they're all pretend.

Dean: So nobody's hunting them?

Sam: No hunters. Look, maybe that's why our spell didn't work, Dean, you know? M-maybe here, there's no supernatural, no magic.

Dean: No demons, no hell, no heaven, no -- no god?

Sam: Something like. Even better -- No angels.

INT. SUPERNATURAL SET - MOTEL ROOM

(a sigil glows and Virgil crashes through landing on the set)

INT. SUPERNATURAL SET - GREEN SCREEN

(Sam and Dean walk in front of the green screen where two stunt doules are punching each other next to the Impala)

Dean: Okay, maybe we can't get out of, uh, you know, Earth number two right now, but the least we can do is get the hell out of the Canadian part of it.

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: I hear one more conversation about hockey, I'm gonna puke.

Sam: Wait a minute. This way, this way, this way.

Dean: No, no, no, no, no. It's this way. It's this way!

Sam: No, Dean, look, I really --I really think that we should --( Sam spots Virgil)Dean!

VIRGIL

You think you can run? (Virgil lays his hand on Dean's forehead, but nothing happens)

Sam: No!

Dean: Sorry, dude. Mojo-free zone.(Dean punches Virgil$

Sam: No magic in the house.

Dean: Which makes you nothing but a dick.

LOU

You know, I oversee all the stunts, coordinate all the fights.

Woman: That's exciting. (gesturing to where Sam & Dean are punching Virgil)

Is that one of yours, then?

LOU

(calls his stuntmen over)Guys!

KEVIN

(running towards Sam, Dean and Virgil)Not good! Not good!

Sam: (as he's being pulled off of Virgil)No, no, no, no! Stop! You don't understand! No, no, no! (Virgil grabs the key from Sam's pocket)

Dean: You're d*ad, Virgil! Virgil! I'm gonna break your friggin' neck!

Hey!

INT. OFFICE

SERA

(via speakerphone) I'm trying to understand, Bob.

BOB

Well, uh, Sera, we don't really understand it ourselves, but, uh, it appears

that Jared and Jensen were seen beating an extra to death.

SERA

Huh.

JIM

This is Jim here, Sera, and it wasn't all the way to death. Only partway, so that's a plus.

KEVIN

He could definitely still run.

BOB

And we'll certainly follow up on that, but I think the real issue

here, Sera, is that the boys appear to be on some kind of extended

psychedelic acid trip.

SERA

Okay. Uhh..Maybe it'd help if I --I'll fly up and talk to them.

JIM

You know, I'm not sure Jared and Jensen...know who she is,

strictly speaking. She's, you know, new. No offense.

SERA

Right.

BOB

Yeah, I think what we might need at this stage is for Kripke

to come up himself. He created the show. They'll listen to him.

SERA

How's that make me look? I'm supposed to be running this thing. Besides, Eric is off in some cabin somewhere Writing his next pilot.

BOB

He sold "Octocobra"?

SERA

Yes!

BOB

Mother of god. They'll buy anything.

INT. SUPERNTURL SET

Dean: I don't know. I mean, Virgil broke through. Maybe he's got a way to get back.

Sam: Or he has no juice here, and now he's stuck, like us.

Dean: Yeah, either way, I want to finish kicking his ass.

EXT. OUTSIDE MISHA's TRAILER

CREWMEMBER

Good night, Misha.

MISHA

'night, little fella. (tweeting on his phone) "ever get that feeling...Someone's in the backseat?"Frowny face.

(Virgil , who is in the backseat,  puts a Kn*fe to Misha's throat)

MISHA

Aah! Aaaah! Aah!

VIRGIL

Drive.

INT. SUPERNATURAL SET - Bobby's HOUSE

BOB

There you are, guys!nYou got a minute?

Sam: Actually, we're --we're looking for, uh --

BOB

...for that extra you tried to k*ll? So, is it money? Is this the kind of act

that goes away if we can scare up some coverage on a raise?

Dean: More money? You already pay these two jokers enough as it is.

Sam: Yeah.

BOB

'cause I'd like to think that over these years, we've grown closer. That you don't think of me as "director Bob" or "executive producer Bob Singer," but as "uncle Bob."

Sam: Wait, you're kidding. So, the character in the show, Bobby Singer -- 

Dean: What kind of douchebag names a character after himself?

Sam: Oh, that's not right.

BOB

Okay, guys, let's begin again.

Dean: Yeah.

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: You know, I don't think Virgil would have shagged out of here without getting his mitts on that key.

Sam: Yeah. Yeah, I agree.

BOB

Guys...You can't come to work on poppers and smuggle kidneys in

from Mexico and make up your own lines as you go! You cannot

make up your own lines! Good god, what about your careers?

Sam: You know what? Screw our careers, Bob.

BOB

What?!

Dean: You heard my brother. That's right, I said "brother." 'cause you know what, Bob? We're not actors. We're hunters. We're the Winchesters. Always have been, and always will be. And where we're from, people don't know who we are. But you know what? We mattered in that world. In fact, we even saved a son of a bitch once or twice. And yeah, okay, here, maybe there's some -- some fans who give a crap about this nonsense.

BOB

I wouldn't call it nonsense.

Dean: But, Bob Singer --If that even is your name --Tell me this --What does it all mean?

BOB

Okay. This is good. I mean, we've all had our psychotic breaks, right?

I can work with this.

Sam: Dean. Virgil --I think he has the key.

Dean: We quit.

EXT. ALLEY

MISHA

Okay, okay, okay.Easy, easy.

VIRGIL

How do you do it?

MISHA

please.

VIRGIL

Live in this grubby, shabby desert? Nothing greater than yourselves.

MISHA

Ohh.

VIRGIL

Nothing but dirt when you die.

MISHA

What? Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, oh.

VIRGIL

No power, no magic.

MISHA

I'm so--I'm not following you at all.

VIRGIL

There's no magic in your universe!

(a homeless man watches from a distance)

MISHA

I'm sorry! Please!

VIRGIL

Nothing but a bag of strings and pulleys.

MISHA

What?!

VIRGIL

You should thank me for what I'm about to do.

MISHA

Why? What are you about to do?

VIRGIL

I need to make an important call. I pray to god that it even goes through. (Virgil s*ab Misha)

This is what I've been reduced to. (looking into his chalice of blood) Raphael.

INT. PADALECKI MANSION

Sam: Maybe we can get on the police dispatch system

Dean: put out an A.P.B on Virgil. Might work, if he stays obvious.

Sam: It's not like we have a lot of time.

GENEVIEVE

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Sam: What?

GENEVIEVE

Misha! He's been s*ab to death!

Sam: Where?

Dean: Where?

GENEVIEVE

Where?!

EXT. ALLEY

HOMELESS Man

Yeah, yeah, Raphael. Like the ninja turtle. He was calling someone name

of Raphael, up in heaven. Yeah, yeah. That's right. The -- the scary man k*lled the attractive crying man, and then he started to pray. And the strange part --After a while, I s-swear I heard this voice, answering.

Sam: What did it say?

HOMELESS Man

Well, it didn't make any sense.

Dean: Try us.

HOMELESS Man

The voice said, for Virgil "to return tomorrow"at the place where he crossed over, "at the time of the crossing." and Raphael would "reach through the window and take him and the key home."

Dean: Uh, okay. Hey, thank you. (hands homeless man 50 Canadian dollars)

Sam: Uhh...Dean, if Virgil gets back with that key, Cass is d*ad, and our world is toast.

Dean: Well, then we stop him. I mean, how bad can an angel with no wings be?

INT. g*n STORE

VIRGIL

I'd like to see that pump-action tactical, 12-gauge.

CLERK

You bet. Nice choice. You really know your ordnance, mister.

VIRGIL

I am the w*apon keeper of heaven.

CLERK

Excuse me?

VIRGIL

It's my job.

INT. SUPERNATURAL SET - Bobby's HOUSE

Dean: You know that if we drop Virgil, get the key, then this might be it. We might be stuck here.

Sam: No, we'll figure out a way back.

Dean: Yeah, you wouldn't be that broken up if we didn't, though.

Sam: What? Don't be stupid.

Dean: Well, I'm just saying. No hell below us, above us only sky.

Sam: Dean, our friends are back there.

Dean: Yeah, but here, you got a pretty good life. I mean, back home, the hits have been coming since you were 6 months old. You got to admit, being a-a bazillionare, married to Ruby, the whole package. It's no contest.

Sam: No, you know, you were right. We just don't mean the Same thing here.

I mean, we're not even brothers here, man.

Dean: All right, then. Let's get our crazy show back home.

EXT. SUPERNAURAL SET

BOB

(gesuring to a Hummer pulling into the lot) Oh, this might be him here.

ERIC

Bob, dude. What the hell, right?

BOB

Eric. Thanks for coming.

ERIC

Of course.

BOB

I know you're busy. It means a lot that we can still, you know, call on you.

ERIC

Yeah. Misha, right?

BOB

Oh, I know, I know. It's just awful!

ERIC

It's totally,totally awful. Yeah. It got us the front page of Variety, though.

Did you see that?

BOB

Front page? Really?

ERIC

Yeah, yeah.

BOB

But tragic.

ERIC

Yeah, tragic. That's what I was gonna say.

BOB

How's "Octocobra"?

ERIC

Oh, I think I really had a breakthrough. I'll tell you all about it over lunch, though.

BOB

I can't wait.

ERIC

Yeah. Okay, so I am just gonna bust in their trailer, g*n blazing, and then take care of this whole mess and --

(a crewmember gets Bob's attention)

BOB

What's the matter?

ERIC

What?

BOB

That guy. (nods toward Virgil who is walking towards them)I think that's the extra!

ERIC

Oh, fantastic. We can nip this bud right out of the gate. Hey, extra! Over here!

CREWMEMBER

g*n! He's got a g*n!

BOB

Noooooo!

(Eric is sh*t by Virgil, Desperado style)

INT. SUPERNATURAL SET

KEVIN

I don't think we have g*n on the call sheet today, hmm?

(Virgil enters and proceeds to sh**t the crew, Serge dodges a b*llet)

Sam: Hey!

(Dean lunges at Virgil and punches him, Sam joins the fight and takes the key back from Virgil)

Sam: Dean! Got it! (noticing the glowing sigil on the window) Raphael. Run!

(Dean and Sam fly backward through the window into a freeze frame)

EXT. OUTSIDE MOTEL

RAPHAEL

You two...Have the strangest luck.

Dean: Raphael? Nice meatsuit. Dude looks like a lady.

(Raphael squeezes her fist and causes Dean and Sam to bend over in pain)

RAPHAEL

The key. (she picks it up from the ground)

BALTHAZAR

And that will open you a locker at the Albany bus station.

RAPHAEL

Really.

BALTHAZAR

You see, I needed a modest decoy to make it more convincing.

RAPHAEL

Give me the w*apon.

BALTHAZAR

Sorry, darling. They're gone.

RAPHAEL

What?!

BALTHAZAR

I said, too bloody late. You see, they were so well-hidden that I needed time to find them. So, I volunteered these two marmosets for a game of fetch with Virgil. You two were such an adequate stick. Thank you. Thank you, boys.

RAPHAEL

You've made your last mistake.

BALTHAZAR

Oh, I've got a few more up my sleeve, honey.

Castiel: Step away from him, Raphael. I have the w*apon now. Their power is with me.

RAPHAEL

Castiel.

Castiel: If you don't want to die tonight, back off.

BALTHAZAR

Well, Cass...Now that you have your sword, try not to die by it.

(Castiel brings the brothers back to Bobby's house)

Sam: Cass, what the hell? Wait, wait, you were in on this, using us a diversion?

Castiel: It was Balthazar's plan. I would have done the Same thing.

Dean: That's not comforting, Cass.

Castiel: When will I be able to make you understand? If I lose against Raphael, we all lose. Everything.

Dean: Yeah, Cass. We know the stakes. That's about all you've told us!

Castiel: I'm sorry about all this. I'll explain when I can.

Dean: Friggin' angels.

Sam: (knocks on the wall) Solid. (Sam breathes out in relief) It's real. Nice.

Dean: Yeah. Yeah, real, moldy, termite-eaten home sweet home. Chock full of crap that want to skin you. Oh, and, uh, we're broke again.

Sam: Yeah. But, hey...At least we're talking
{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "06x15 - The French Mistake"}