(Carrie’s apartment, Carrie is at her computer typing)

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Last night my friend Miranda got invited to a dinner party by a man she hardly knew (Cut to dinner party) She was the date of Nick Waxler, a fairly successful sports agent who once told her she had nice legs

NICK: Okay, old movie stars you’d have liked to f*** when they were young?

MIRANDA: Alive or d*ad?

NICK: It doesn’t matter. I’ll start, Veronica Lake the year she made Sullivans Travels. Dave?

DAVE: I'd  have to say Sophia Loren, probably ‘cos my dad has this thing for her

DEANNE: Oh we won't go there! Montgomery Clift

MIRANDA: He was so gay!

DEANNE: Oh

GREG: Marilyn Monroe before the Kennedys got to her. Honey?

ELLEN: Bing Crosby

EVERYONE: Ooooo

ELLEN: I stand by my choice

MIRANDA: Sean Connery. Yesterday, today and tomorrow

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) For a first date Miranda felt like she was hitting it out of the ballpark

(Cut to kitchen, Miranda hands a plate over to wife)

MIRANDA: Thanks

ELLEN: So, how long have you known Nick?

MIRANDA: We’ve been riding the same elevator line for years, and then we had lunch a few weeks ago, and then he invited me here for dinner

ELLEN: Well, we adore him

MIRANDA: He's very smart

DEANNE: Guess he took our ultimatum seriously

ELLEN:(in a warning tone) Deanne!?

MIRANDA: What are you talking about?

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) They told Miranda that Nick had this thing for models (Cut to same dinner party, another night, with a different date for Nick)

NICK:OK Old movie stars you’d have liked to f*ck when they were young. I’ll start: Veronica Lake, the year she made Sullivan’s Travels. Dave?

DAVE: I'd have to go with Sophia Loren, probably ‘cos my dad had a thing for her

DEANNE: Montgomery Clift

GREG: Marilyn Monroe

ELLEN: Bing Crosby

NICK: Yvette?

YVETTE (Nick’s model girlfriend) I don’t know, Charlie Sheen?

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) They’d come to dinner, push their food around and pout

(Cut to same dinner party, another time again, different model)

NICK: Veronica Lake

DAVE: Sophia Loren

DEANNE: Montgomery Clift

GREG: Marilyn Monroe

ELLEN: Bing Crosby

(They all sound really bored)

NICK: Marissa?

(Marissa whispers something in Nick’s ear, gets up and walks out of the room; the men follow her with their eyes, the women glare)

NICK: She, uh had to make a phone call

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) It got to be a problem. They decided to take action

(Cut to kitchen, night of date with Marissa)

ELLEN: Can't you find a woman who can carry on a decent conversation?

DEANNE: Yeah Nick, and eat without purging?

NICK: What are you saying?

DEANNE: You can't bring around any more of these so called models Nick. Uh-uh it's too depressing

NICK: Okay, okay I’ll see what I can do

(Cut to present dinner party in the kitchen)

ELLEN: And then he brought you

DEANNE: So obviously not a model

ELLEN: In a good way

(Miranda looks depressed)

MIRANDA: Nick dates models?

(Cut to cab with Nick and Miranda in it)

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Miranda confronted him, and it didn’t take long for him to fold

(Miranda gets out of cab)

NICK: It's true, it's true. Okay. I'm obsessed

MIRANDA: Obsessed with models

NICK: Correct

MIRANDA: So what am I? Your intellectual beard for the evening?

NICK: Don’t be pissed, all right? (Miranda shakes head) You gotta admit, you met some nice people, you had a good time, okay? (Goes to kiss her, she backs away)

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) you were on a date with a modelizer….(Cut to Carrie and Miranda in a restaurant)… and you didn’t even know it?

MIRANDA: If men like Nick are dating models what chance do ordinary women have? I mean do you have to be a supermodel to get a date in New York?

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Modelizers are a particular breed (Cut to Carrie typing on her computer in her apartment) They’re a step behind womanizers who will sleep with just about anything in a skirt (Cut to view of woman’s leg) Modelizers are obsessed not with women, but with models who in most cities are safely confined to billboards and magazines (Cut to lots of billboards) (Cut to street) But in Manhattan, actually run wild on the streets turning the city into a virtual model country safari where men can pet the creatures in their natural habitat (man stroking model’s leg)

(Cut to Carrie’s apartment, all 4 girls are there, eating take-away)

CARRIE: (to camera) as if we didn’t have enough problems

MIRANDA: They're stupid and lazy and should be sh*t on sight

SAMANTHA: I've been out with a lot of guys and they say I am just as beautiful as a model, but I work for a living. I'm like, well I'm like a model who’s taken the high road

MIRANDA: The advantages given to models and to beautiful women in general are so unfair, it makes me puke

SAMANTHA: (Hugging Miranda) Sweetheart you are so cute

MIRANDA: Cute doesn’t cut it in this town. What’s cute compared to supermodel?

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) There's nothing like raising the subject of models among four single women to spice up an otherwise dull Tuesday night

CHARLOTTE: They have this distant, sexy look

MIRANDA: That’s not sexy, that’s starvation

SAMANTHA: That’s starvation in the best restaurants

MIRANDA: Yeah, what I wanna know is when did all the men get together and decide that they would only get it up for giraffes with big breasts?

(Samantha laughs)

CHARLOTTE: In some cultures heavy women with mustaches are considered beautiful

SAMANTHA: And you're looking at me while you're saying that?

MIRANDA: We should just admit that we live in a culture that promotes impossible standards of beauty

CHARLOTTE: Yeah, except men think they're possible

MIRANDA: Yeah

CHARLOTTE: You know, no matter how good I feel about myself if I see Christy Turlington, I just wanna give up

MIRANDA: I just wanna force feed her lard, but that’s the difference between you and me

(All laugh)

CARRIE: What are you talking about? Look at you two, you're beautiful

CHARLOTTE: Oooo I hate my thighs

MIRANDA: O come on

CHARLOTTE: I can't even open a magazine without thinking "thighs, thighs, thighs"

MIRANDA: Well I'll take your thighs and raise you a chin

CARRIE: I’ll take you a chin and raise you a … (points at nose)

(All look at Samantha expectantly)

SAMANTHA: What?

CARRIE: Come on

SAMANTHA: I happen to love the way I look

MIRANDA: You should. You paid enough for it ( Miranda, Carrie and Charlotte all laugh)

SAMANTHA: Hey, I resent that. I do not believe in plastic surgery. Well, not yet

CARRIE: I find it fascinating that four beautiful flesh and blood women could be intimidated by some unreal fantasy. I mean look, look at this (pulls out magazine) Is this really intimidating to any of you?

CHARLOTTE: I hate my thighs (looking at it)

MIRANDA: Pass the chicken

SAMANTHA: You know, I have that dress (points at magazine)

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Suddenly, I was interested. If models could cause otherwise rational individuals to crumble in their presence, exactly how powerful was beauty?

(Cut to two women in restaurant at table)

CASSIE: There are two types of guys that fall for beautiful women, either they're slime balls that are just out to get laid, or they fall in love with you instantly its pathetic (Subtitled Cassie Fields, runway model)

(Cut to Nick on street)

NICK: Why f*ck the girl in the skirt if you can f*ck the girl in the ad for the skirt? (Subtitled Nick Waxler, Modelizer)

(Cut back to Cassie Fields)

CASSIE: Being beautiful is such a power. You can get whatever you want

(Cut to model in the park)

XANDRELLA: You can get anything, I've been offered trips to Aspen, weekends in Paris, Christmas in St Barts (Subtitled Xandrella, supermodel)

(Cut to gym)

BRAD: A motorcycle, a juicer (Subtitled Brad Fox, catalogue model)

(Cut to Nick on street)

NICK: Its not like models don’t have brains, they have 'em, they just don’t need to use 'em

ASHLEIGH : Most guys just think you're dumb, but I'm really very literary.  I read (Subtitled Ashleigh B, lingerie model) I'll sit down and read a whole magazine from cover to cover

(Cut to gym)

BRAD: Some scuba gear, a Herb Ritt's photo

(Cut to park)

XANDRELLA: A Bulgari necklace, a breast job

(Cut to Nick)

NICK: My friends think I'm shallow. Sometimes I think they’re right, other times I think 'Hey I'm f***ing a model'

(Cut to Barkley’s apartment, he's painting and talking to Carrie)

BARKLEY: Models are a lot looser than you'd think. It's way easier to screw a model than a regular girl ‘cos that’s what they do all the time. It's how regular people are when they're on vacation

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Barkley, a notorious modelizer was one of those SoHo wonders who maintained a fabulous lifestyle despite never having sold a single painting

CARRIE: (On Screen) So you're saying it's easy to meet them?

BARKLEY: No, it's not easy. The trick is you gotta treat ‘em like they're regular girls. You gotta be able to roll into a place, walk up to the hottest thing there, otherwise you're finished. It's kinda like being around dogs, you gotta show no fear

CARRIE: Things? You call ‘em things?

BARKLEY: Yeah, well they are things, beautiful things and that’s what my life is about you know, beauty. Come here I wanna show you something. This is my real art, I can't really show it to the public (Pan to roughly 10 tvs) well not yet at least (pushes a chair to Carrie) Sit down (Tvs all show him having sex with women) That’s Vanessa, that’s Tanya, Elana, Katrina

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) I couldn’t believe it. The man had slept with half the perfume ads in September’s ‘Vogue’

CARRIE: (On Screen) Do they, do they know about this?

BARKLEY: Maybe? Oh look at that one (Shows tv screen) She does runway now, but I think she's gonna be huge someday

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) I didn’t know what to say there really wasn’t anything to say, except… (Cut to Carrie with a cigarette in her mouth) (On screen) Do you have a light?

BARKLEY: Sure (Flicks up lighter)

(They both watch the tv on which Barkley winks at the camera whilst having sex)

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Later that day I was relieved to discover (Cut to Skipper and Carrie walking along a street) that at least one eligible bachelor got his kicks off the runway

SKIPPER: So I totally dig your friend Miranda

CARRIE: Hey, that’s great

SKIPPER: yeah I think she is so sexy, she's smart and, did she tell you that we made out?

CARRIE: No?

SKIPPER: Yeah, it was totally hot

CARRIE: Oooo, so did you call her? You should call her

SKIPPER: I did, like a hundred times, she totally won't return my phone calls. Did she say anything about me?

CARRIE: No

SKIPPER: I don’t know, maybe she's just busy. Am I not cute enough for her?

CARRIE: Of course you are Skipper. You're adorable.

SKIPPER: Well, I don’t know (Gives Carrie his phone) Find out for me. I wanna see if I still have a chance

CARRIE: Right now? In front of you?

SKIPPER: Go ahead, I can handle it

(Carrie dials number)

MIRANDA: (on phone) Hi this is Miranda. Please leave me a message

CARRIE: (to Skipper) It's her machine

(Skipper grabs the phone off Carrie)

SKIPPER: (on phone) Hey this is Skipper. I'm in the street with Carrie. I just told her how you won't call me back. So now you have to call me back. You better call me back! No no I'm kidding! I'm joking! But seriously I hope you call me back and um did I mention this was Skipper? (walks off camera)

CARRIE: (to camera) I believe there is a curse put on the head of anybody who tries to fix up their friends

(Cut to backstage of fashion show)

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Where better to find modelizers in their natural habitat than a fashion show? (Carrie and Stanford walk in) Luckily my friend Stanford Blatch had a client in the hottest show in town

STANFORD: ‘The Bone’ is like the human equivalent of the sable coat. He's so beautiful that I find sometimes I have to look away

CARRIE: Do you see him?

STANFORD: Right over there

CARRIE: Where?

STANFORD: Look at him. It's like he travels with his own personal lighting director

(Cut to man wearing only a pair of tight boxers)

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Derek aka ‘The Bone’ was the world’s biggest underwear model, and Stanford’s most important client, as well as the subject of his single minded obsession

DEREK: Hey Stanny

STANFORD: Derek, I would like you to meet a very dear friend, Carrie Bradshaw

CARRIE: (Shaking hands with Derek) Nice to meet you

STANFORD: Carrie writes the column ‘Sex and the City’

DEREK: Wow! That’s great

CARRIE: Do you read it?

DEREK: Uh no

STANFORD: The other day Derek and I were walking past his billboard, and he told me he’d like to get a piece of it for his apartment like maybe his nose, and I said ‘you should get the bulge in your pants’ That way when women ask how big you are you can say ’14 feet’

DEREK: That would be funny, wouldn’t it?

CARRIE: Yeah (laughing)

STANFORD: (to Derek) Everybody’s talking about you. You are so great. You’re gonna be a star! Have I told you that enough?  (patting his chest excitedly) You're a star! You're a star

CARRIE: (pulling Stanford away) We’d better let you get dressed

DEREK: I am dressed

CARRIE: Oh

STANFORD: We’ll see you after the show

DEREK: Bye

CARRIE: Bye

STANFORD: (walking away from Derek) Can you believe anyone that beautiful can be that nice? I keep dreaming that someday he's just gonna turn around and say ‘Stanford, I love you’

CARRIE: Is he gay?

STANFORD: He denies it, but how could anyone that gorgeous be straight?

(Cut to audience, Samantha is sitting in the front row)

SAMANTHA: (waving to Carrie) Sweetie, over here

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Samantha Jones never missed a major fashion show. She was one of the only people I knew that thought proximity to beauty made her feel more attractive (Carrie goes to her, the kiss, and Stanford and Carrie sit down next to Samantha)

CARRIE: Hey sweetie, so wait, what happened, you couldn’t find seats right on the runway?

SAMANTHA: Oh you can see all the flaws from this angle

(Show starts, Barkley sits down in the row behind Samantha and Carrie)

BARKLEY: Hey Carrie

CARRIE: Hey Barkley, how are you?

BARKLEY: You going to the party afterwards?

CARRIE: Umm I don’t know

SAMANTHA: Of course we are. Hi, I'm Samantha

BARKLEY: Barkley

SAMANTHA: (whispered to Carrie) Martini straight up or with a twist?

CARRIE: Straight up

SAMANTHA: (Camera cuts to Barkley) Really? He's very cute. You're not dating him?

CARRIE: God no, he's a total modelizer

SAMANTHA: Is he dating any one model in particular?

CARRIE: Actually he's sleeping with all of them in general

SAMANTHA: Only models?

CARRIE: Only models

(Samantha turns to look at Barkley seductively, he winks at her. Derek comes onto the runway and looks towards Carrie, Samantha and Stanford, The girls both wink at him; Close up of his bum)

(Cut to party)

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Later that night we all went downtown for a party (Pan to Carrie on her own) I was beginning to float away on a sea of sweet potato puffs with smoked salmon and sour cream when… (Big walks into the party) It was Mr Big : major tycoon, major dreamboat, and majorly out of my league (Big walks up to Carrie, whose mouth is full)

BIG: I thought I saw you on the runway

CARRIE: (with full mouth, surprised) Oh hi

BIG: I started reading your column after we met

CARRIE: You did?

BIG: Yeah, cute

CARRIE: Cute?

BIG: Well, yeah cute. What are you writing about this week?

CARRIE: Umm well I'm working on a story about men who date models Any thoughts?

BIG: Only that they're very lucky. So what have you discovered about these men who are dating models? (moves very close to Carrie)

CARRIE: Well, I'm discovering that some of them treat it as a competitive sport and others I think just need the validation

BIG: and probably others just have a thing for exceptionally beautiful women

CARRIE: Exactly

BIG: And there's something wrong with that?

CARRIE: No, there's nothing wrong. I just think it might become a little monotonous. Puff? (Offering him an hors d’oeuvre)

BIG: Um no thanks

(someone barges past Carrie saying excuse me)

BIG: So where do you uh where do you write these stories?

CARRIE: My cute stories?

BIG: Yeah, have you got an office or anything?

CARRIE: No, well about half the time I'm at my apartment and the other half I'm over at this coffee shop on 73rd and Madison

(Very pretty girl walks up to them)

BIG: Oh uh Carrie, I'd like you to meet Misha

CARRIE: Oh hi, you were great in the show

MISHA: Thank you (whispers something in Big’s ear)

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Suddenly I felt like I was wearing patchouli in a room full of Chanel

(to Big) Well it was nice talking to you

BIG: Oh see you around some time I hope (walks away with Misha, but turns back to raise an eyebrow at Carrie)

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) The truth was I thought I had come to terms with my looks the year I turned 30 when I realized that I no longer had the energy to be superficial

SAMANTHA: (Coming up to Carrie) You friend Barkley, he's really been coming on to me. Do you actually think he believes I'm a model?

CARRIE: Well, whatever it is you don’t want to go there

SAMANTHA: Why not?

CARRIE: He has this thing for secretly taping his conquests

SAMANTHA: Really? What a pervert (Walks away half smiling )

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) As Samantha began to get ready for her close up (Samantha looks in mirror checking herself) I felt it was time to call it a night (Cut to outside) I had never felt so invisible in my entire life (Hails taxi, as she's getting into one, Derek comes up and stops her)

DEREK: Carrie?

CARRIE: Hey, hi Did Stanford leave?

DEREK: No, he's in there giving a neck massage to a Versace model. So where are you going now?

CARRIE: Oh I'm going home

DEREK: Can I come?

CARRIE: You wanna come home with me?

DEREK: Sure, if it's quiet. I can't take these crowds

(They both get into the cab)

CARRIE: (To camera, smiling) The things you gotta do in the name of research

(Cut to Carrie’s apartment)

CARRIE: Shouldn’t you be spending the night with some girl from the show? (Getting wine)

DEREK: No, I never date models, I think they're stupid

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) I wondered if there wasn’t some kind of physics for beauty. Maybe two models repelled, maybe models could only be attracted to ordinary humans

(They sit on the bed)

DEREK: So I think it's so cool that you write

CARRIE: Thanks

(They both lie back a bit further)

DEREK: I wish I could write. I've got intense thoughts but I can't keep them in my head long enough to get them down on paper

CARRIE: Well, that’s the big trick

DEREK: The truth is I'm totally neurotic. One minute I can be walking down the street, totally cool, and the next minute I'm depressed for no reason. I'm totally self conscious, before I say something I say it in my head first so it doesn’t come out wrong

CARRIE: Doesn’t that seem like a waste of time?

DEREK: It only takes a second (Takes Carrie’s cigarette, and they touch fingers) and sometimes I get so distracted

CARRIE: What's distracting you now?

DEREK: Your nose

CARRIE: Thanks a lot, I hate my nose

DEREK: It's just so cute. I hate my nose too, it's too big but I think it depends on my hair

CARRIE: Yeah (stroking his hair) I see what you mean

DEREK: So what do you wanna be when you grow up?

CARRIE: Well I think this might be it. What do you want to be when you grow up?

DEREK: I’d like to move back to Iowa and have kids and be a cop

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) I felt like I was in my bedroom when I was 16 and I used to hang out with this guy who was really beautiful and my parents thought I was helping him with his Chemistry homework

DEREK: Do you mind  if we just lie here? I get so lonely in the city. Sometimes it's just nice to lie with someone

CARRIE: Sure, we could do that

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) It was hard to imagine that anyone so beautiful could ever be lonely (Cut to supermarket, Miranda is shopping) Meanwhile, somewhere below 14th Street, two ordinary joes were doing their own lonely late night thing (Skipper comes down another aisle, missing Miranda)

KOREAN GROCER: (to Miranda) Anything else?

MIRANDA: No, that’s it (paying for purchase)

KOREAN GROCER: Just cat food?

MIRANDA: Yes, just cat food

(Skipper comes up to Miranda)

SKIPPER: Hey

MIRANDA: O hi Skipper (looking embarrassed)

SKIPPER: So like how come you haven’t been returning any of my calls?

MIRANDA: I'm sorry it's been a really busy week

SKIPPER: I thought we had a connection

MIRANDA: I don’t know (to Korean Grocer) Could I get my change?

SKIPPER: You get that way with every guy that you're with?

MIRANDA: No, it's just, don’t you wanna go out with a girl your own age?

SKIPPER: It's got nothing to do with age, I, I think you're luminous

MIRANDA: You think I'm luminous?

SKIPPER: Totally

(Pan to Miranda’s reflection in Skipper’s glasses)

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Miranda couldn’t resist the vision of herself reflected in Skipper’s slightly smudged lenses

MIRANDA: All right lets get outta here

SKIPPER: Okay, let me just pay for my Capt’n Crunch

MIRANDA: There's cereal at my place

SKIPPER: Oh

(They leave)

(Cut to Barkley’s apartment, Barkley and Samantha are having sex)

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) And Samantha found the ultimate validation: sex with Barkley

(Samantha’s looking round for the camera, whilst still having sex)

SAMANTHA: So, uh where is it?

BARKLEY: What?

SAMANTHA: The camera?

BARKLEY: Your friend Carrie tell you about that?

SAMANTHA: Uh-huh

BARKLEY: Don’t worry, I only tape models

SAMANTHA: I won't mind

BARKLEY: Fine I’ll make an exception (Gets up and reveals camera, you can now see Barkley and Samantha on all the tvs)

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) Samantha demanded nothing less than the same consideration given every other model in town

(Cut to Carrie’s apartment, the next morning, Carrie and Derek are asleep on the bed. The phone rings)

CARRIE: Hello?

STANFORD: (on phone) Carrie, it's Stanford. Do you have any idea what happened to Derek last night?

CARRIE: Actually you’ll never believe it, but…

STANFORD: Yes?

CARRIE: (holding the phone to her chest, and whispering to Derek) It's Stanford (Derek takes the phone)

DEREK: Hey Stanford

STANFORD: Derek? Could you put Carrie back on the phone?

DEREK: Sure (hands phone to Carrie)

CARRIE: Hello?

STANFORD: How could you?

CARRIE: I didn’t, we just talked

STANFORD: I knew he was gay!

(Cut to Nick Waxler on the street looking unshaven and dishevelled)

NICK: It's amazing what you’ll do to be with these models. I've gotta retire soon. They keep me from getting work done, they make me f*** up my life. Look at me, I'm an old man at 34

(Cut to Carrie in a café typing)

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) I began to realize that being beautiful is like having a rent controlled apartment overlooking the park: completely unfair and usually bestowed upon those who deserve it least

(Big walks into the café and sits down opposite Carrie)

BIG: I'm not interrupting your work am I?

CARRIE: (with a big smile) Hey, what a surprise

BIG: I can't stay. I'm late for a meeting, but I've been thinking about your article about men who date models

CARRIE: What about them?

BIG: First of all, well there are so many g*dd*mn gorgeous women out there in this city

CARRIE: (sarcastic) What an amazing observation

BIG: But the thing is, after a while you just wanna be with the one that makes you laugh, you know what I mean? (Carrie nods) Okay, see ya (Walks out of café, Carrie smiles)

CARRIE: (Voice-Over) I take that back, beauty is fleeting, but a rent controlled apartment overlooking the park is forever
{"type": "series", "show": "Sex and the City", "episode": "01x02 - Models and Mortals"}