(As the scene opens, we enter a crime scene. The doorknob is covered with drying blood. A curtain is waving, largely stained with blood, and the floor is covered with blood. Bert, a man in his early forties, is kneeling and scrubbing the floor. He is wearing plastic gloves, and coveralls stained by sweat and blood. As the camera pans over him, he stops and stretches his neck and shoulders. His cell phone buzzes on a plastic-covered table. He gets up, takes one glove off, checks the ID call. He straightens his shoulders and answers. )

Bert : Hey, sweetie. Yeah, I'm sorry. No, the meeting's running a little late. Well, you know Matheson… the guy loves to hear himself talk. Yeah. Yeah. I'll meet you at the restaurant. Hey, we're going over the contracts now. I gotta get back in there. I love you too.

(He hangs up, and considers himself in the mirror. He then takes a clock on the shelf and looks pensively at it. A police officer enters the room, carrying a cup of coffee. )

Officer Smith : You're getting paid to clean, not window shop, Vesky.

Bert : You calling me a thief?

Officer Smith : Take it easy. Just yanking your chain. Damn, it's freezin' in here.

Bert (back to scrubbing the floor) : Better the cold than the smell.

Officer Smith : Used to think my job sucked. How much you make an hour anyway?

Bert : Not enough. (Dryly) The difference is that this job is just a temporary setback. You, on the other hand, will always be a schmuck.

Officer Smith : Yeah. Schmuck with a guaranteed pension and benefits. I'll take it. (He leaves.)

(Bert gets up, takes his bucket and walks to the door. As he walks, the picture changes to an animated restaurant, his clothes are now an executive suit, and he is carrying a case. He enters a booth and bends to kiss his wife.)

Bert : I'm sorry I'm late.

Diane : No talking about real estate tonight. I really want you to just enjoy yourself.

Bert : Well, seeing you in that dress, I'd say mission accomplished. (They hold hands.)

Diane : Gets a little better. Wait till you see what's on underneath.

Waiter : Fresh tako with lemon. Enjoy.

Diane : I… ordered the appetizer special. (Bert lifts the lid, revealing a few tentacle parts, still moving.) Oh, I thought tako was a kind of tuna. Ooh. We're so not eating this.

Bert : Well, we should at least try it. (He takes one piece with his chopsticks.)

Diane : Please, it's moving, Bert. (Bert eats.) Oh, it's so gross!

Bert : Actually, it's… not that bad.

Diane (smiling and putting the lid back on the plate.) Really? I'm not eating it.

Bert (he lifts his glass of champagne) : To us… On our third anniversary. The day I met you was… was… (He starts to look uneasy. A rash appears on his hands, rapidly spreading on his face. He has trouble breathing and falls back in his seat.)

Diane : Bert? Bert. What is it? What… honey, what's wrong? Someone, please call 911. Honey. Honey…

(ROLL CREDITS)

(Cut to PPTH Lobby. House is waiting for the elevator. When the door opens, we see Cuddy inside reading a file. House looks embarrassed and quickly turns, looking elsewhere. Cuddy, still engrossed in her file, walks near him without noticing. She seems to recognize a scent, turns back and see House in the elevator. She smiles and runs to him.)

Cuddy : House! (The elevator door close in front of her, she takes the other one. When she gets out of it, people are leaving the first one, which looks empty. She walks away, looking annoyed, then smiles, turns back and slips in the elevator where House is hiding, stuck to the wall.) I assume you're avoiding me because of the charity gala.

House : This Friday? It's completely slipped my mind.

Cuddy : So you'll be there?

House : No, I meant it slipped my mind to tell you I'm not going.

Cuddy : What do you think it'll look like if you don't show up when I get an award?

House : Like I don't give a crap about awards, charities, what it looks like.

Cuddy : If you ever want…

House : I RSVPed two days ago. What, you think I'm a complete ass? (The elevator dings. They are back in the lobby. Cuddy steps out, then turns back to House, who has stayed in the elevator.)

Cuddy : If you were already going, why did you…

House : Foreplay. (The elevator door close. They both smile.)

(Cut to Diagnostics office. The whole team is already here. Taub is sitting and eating a plate of fruits. Foreman eyes him suspiciously.)

Taub : What?

Foreman : Are you wearing my tie?

Taub : Oh, I saw it in your closet, and it happened to match my shirt.

Foreman : Why were you in my closet?

Taub : Looking for a tie. What's the big deal?

House : Obviously, he wants you out of the closet for some reason. I suspect marriage, but I'm liberal that way. Now, tell me how someone can have an allergic reaction when all their tests were negative for known allergens.

Chase : Environmental. File says he's a real estate developer. Could have been exposed to something visiting a construction site.

Masters : He's lying. (House waits for more.) He's not an executive. I saw his hands. They're covered with calluses and little cuts. He works with them. A lot. (The men look at her, speechless.)

House (whispering): Stand up. (Masters looks nervous, but stands up anyhow. House grabs her and hugs her tightly, keeping her head on his chest.) Our little girl… is finally growing up. I mean, you dream of this day, but when it finally happens… (Chase tries hard not to laugh.) So what did Mr. Meathooks say when you called him a liar?

Masters (still stuck): I didn't.(House lets her go.)

House : Hmm. Baby steps. Go down there and do it.

Masters : But what if I'm wrong? I'll just end up offending him.

House : Consider that part a bonus. (She seems unsure.) All right, I'll send along one of your big brothers to help. You want scary, smarmy, or shorty?

(Cut to Bert's room. His wife is sitting on his bed, holding his hands. Masters and Chase enter, Chase stays behind.)

Masters : We need to ask you a few questions. Alone. (Diane does not move.) If you don't mind. (She still does not move.) Uh, they tend to be personal in nature.

Diane : I'm his wife. I can probably answer them better than he can.

Masters : They're about his job. (Bert looks concerned.)

Diane : Well, what does that matter? He sits in an office all day…

Bert : Honey, take a break. It's okay.

Diane : No! Seriously, if there's something really wrong with him, I-I wanna know about it.

Masters : It's not.

Chase : Our questions are about what he eats for lunch at work and what comes out at the end… bowel movements, mostly. Color, texture. Smell.

Diane : Oka…

Bert : Pretty sure you can't help with that.

Diane : Maybe I could use a break. (To Chase) Thank you for your honesty.

Chase : You're welcome. (Diane leaves the room. Bert start to speak when he's sure she outside.)

Bert : I can't let my wife find out about this. You have to promise me.

Masters : That depends on if it's considered…

Chase (taking the lead) : We promise.

Bert : I lost everything because of the recession, my entire real estate company. And she has no idea.

Chase : So what do you do for a living now?

Bert : I used to be a janitor when I was in college, and now I'm almost 40 and doing it for the people I built homes for.

Masters : Why?

Bert : What do you think? Cause I need the money.

Masters : No, I mean why lie to your wife about it?

Chase : Oh, n-none of our business, really. What kind of cleaning?

Bert : Industrial jobs. Crime scene cleanup. Septic t*nk repair.

Mold removal. It's physically k*lling me.

(Cut to House office. House is looking intently at his computer, taking notes and netsurfing, during the whole DDX. We briefly see pictures of musicians on the screen.)

Masters : It's the holy grail of potential diseases… caustic cleaning chemicals, raw sewage, mold spores, fungal infections.

Chase : And not to mention cleaning up blood and other bodily fluids from a homicide yesterday.

Foreman : We should check out the crime scene. He might have picked up a bacterial infection from the victim's blood.

Chase : Place has been cleaned and sanitized by our patient. We sent for the autopsy report… probably take a week to get it.

House : When he's not working, where does he go all day to hide out?

Masters : His old real estate office?

House : Treat for bacterial infection. Meantime… Bert, take Ernie and check his office for environmentals. I'll talk to Cuddy about getting the autopsy results faster. (He leaves.)

Chase (pointing to Foreman) : You're Bert. (To Taub) He's Ernie. (He chuckles and leaves.)

Masters (Hurrying after him and grinning hugely) : And they're both roommates. That was a good one.

(Cut to PPTH corridor. House walks past patients trays, steps back, opens one, then a second, picks up a sandwich and takes a large bite.)

Wilson : Well… at least the Alzheimer's patient in room 202 won't remember she only got half a ham sandwich.

House (grimacing, puts the sandwich back.): I'm doing her a favor. (He leaves, Wilson calls him out.)

Wilson : You're really going to the charity gala?

House : Why? I wanna do something nice for my girlfriend.

Wilson : You never do anything unless it stands to benefit you.

House : I realize that three failed marriages can leave a man twisted and bitter inside, but in a good relationship, people sometimes do things for each other.

Wilson : A hundred says you don't show up.

House (he turns back, amused) : You're giving me an incentive to actually show up? A personal, selfish incentive?

Wilson : I'm just making easy money. 200.

House (he walks back to Wilson): How high did Cuddy authorize you to go?

Wilson (with an embarrassed laugh) : She… she didn't… (Giving up) 300. She really wants you there.

House : Why do people believe I'm incapable of doing anything nice?

Wilson : Experience.

(Cut to Vesky real estate office. Foreman and Taub are searching the building.)

Taub : It's a tie. I'm not wearing your underwear. I said I was sorry. You want the tie back?

Foreman : Can we get to work?

Taub (starting to remove the tie) : I can't tell if you're being passive-aggressive or this is just your regular fun-loving personality.

Foreman : Both. And you can keep the tie. Went out of style five years ago. (Taub tightens the tie. They investigate several offices. Foreman enters Bert's office, which is a mess. He opens a drawer and finds a meds vial.) Vicodin. And he doesn't have a prescription. We didn't test for an allergic reaction to narcotics.

Taub : Or it's the obvious. Take a look at this. (He opens a storage room full of chemicals and toxic products.)

(Cut to Bert's room.)

Chase : We think you're suffering from boric acid exposure.

Masters : Which is causing the rash. We need to decontaminate your skin and hope you didn't inhale it into your lungs. (Bert starts to breathe heavily.)

Bert : I-I feel like I'm… (The monitor alarm beeps, showing a temperature of 124°.)

Chase : Never seen a fever spike this fast before.

Masters : Acid exposure burns literally. It shouldn't be causing this.

Diane : What's happening to him? Bert? Honey, are you all right? (Bert is unconscious and shivering.)

Masters : We have to get his fever down right now. If it gets any higher, it could cause permanent brain damage.

(Cut to Diagnostics office. They are all sitting. House is perusing a file.)

Chase : We used cooling blankets to get his temperature down. He s*ab at 102.

Masters : Problem's not boric acid. We found no traces of it on his skin.

Foreman : Infection from the m*rder victim's blood?

House (closing the file and throwing it on the table) : Autopsy report was negative for communicable disease. Cause of death was an overly s*ab girlfriend.

Taub : We found Vicodin in his office.

House (quickly) : Give it to me. (Foreman, Chase and Taub exchange concerned looks, while Masters is oblivious.) Might look like Vicodin but be something else. (Foreman considers this, takes the vial from his pocket and throws it to House. House opens it, takes one pill out, and makes a big show of smelling and licking it. He sighs deeply and put it back in the vial, then sends it back to Foreman. Meanwhile, the male team looks worried.) It's real. Unfortunately… his Vicodin doesn't cause rash, fever, and joint pain. Does make Taub considerably less annoying, though.

Foreman : Maybe we're thinking too far outside the box here. Just because he could have picked up any one of a hundred exotic diseases from his job doesn't mean he didn't.

House : Taub's life partner has a point. Started treatment with antibiotics, and he got worse. Simple answer begins with "m" ends with "mia."

Chase : Meningococcemia?

House : That works too. Confirm with a lumbar puncture. And on the off chance we're wrong, find out what else he's been lying about besides his job and his drug use.

(Cut to Bert's room. Masters is standing next to the bed while Chase is preparing the lumbar puncture.)

Masters : You sure do hide a lot from your wife. Your job, your drug use. What else?

Bert : What does it matter?

Chase : Can't help you unless you're completely honest with us.

Bert : I was doing manual labor. If I came home barely able to move, Diane would know something's up. That's why I take the Vicodin… to hide the pain. I'm not an addict.

Masters : Is that all you're hiding?

Bert : I didn't just lose my job. Well, that's how it started, but I figured it'd just last a couple months. I maxed out our credit cards, took a double mortgage on the house, and I sold all of our investments. Who'd have thought the recession would last this long, huh?

Masters : So it's Obama's fault you're lying to your wife?

Bert : Look… I screwed up.

Chase : It's too late now. I want you to roll over on your left side for the procedure. (He comes to Bert's bedside and starts the procedure.)

Bert : Haven't you ever done something in a relationship you wish you could take back?

Chase : Maybe.

Bert : How'd you handle it?

Chase : I told the truth. Eventually.

Bert : How'd that work out?

Chase : Not well.

(Cut to House entering Wilson's office.)

House : I need some intel on this charity event on Friday night. If I go, do I have to actually give money to charity? (Wilson closes his eyes tiredly.) I'm going. Just don't want it to suck. There has to be a way to make this fun. (He sits on the couch and extends his leg on the table.)

Wilson : Show up and behave. Problem solved.

House : Your problem solved. Don't you think she deserves more than a plaque and a round of applause for 15 years of running this dump?

Wilson : It's a watch, not a plaque.

House : It's a cliché. I want to make things more exciting, something she'll remember for more than ten minutes.

Wilson : Okay. By fun and exciting, you mean screwing this up for Cuddy so she won't even dream of asking you to go to one again.

House (faking wounded feelings): You really can't stand seeing me happy, can you?

(Cut to the lab.)

Masters : Gram stains are negative in the first CSF samples.

Foreman : One down, three to go.

Taub : I'm starving. You wanna get a bite after…

Foreman : Already have plans.

Taub : Date?

Foreman : What difference does it make? We're roommates, not a married couple. We don't have to eat every night together.

Taub : So you're saying… it's a date?

Foreman : Yeah, it's a date.

Masters : I don't have plans.

Chase : Ooh. Shocking.

Masters : Are you mad because I picked you? You're stuck actually doing your job?

Chase : A little hazing never hurt a med student.

Masters : I doubt it ever… helped either. I'm sorry that I think our patient shouldn't be lying to his wife. I'm a woman. I guess I just have a different perspective.

Chase : You're sharing this unique insight that women don't like lying?

Masters : Uh, no, I'm sharing my unique insight that you don't respect women. You sleep with a different one every few days. Or maybe… you find meaning in meaningless relationships.

Chase : At least I have relationships.

Foreman : I'm seeing a high lymphocyte count in the CSF sample.

Taub : And that couldn't wait until they finished mocking each other? (Foreman glares at him.) That means it's not meningococcemia. (All their beepers ring.)

(Cut to the team rushing to Bert's room.)

Diane : He's getting worse! He can barely move his legs.

Bert : I can't feel them. I can't feel my feet.

(Chase lifts the sheet. Bert's legs and ankles are swollen and his feet are turning black.)

Diane : What is it? What is happening to him?

(Cut to House and the team walking in the corridor.)

Foreman : Luckily, he didn't lose his feet.

Chase : We were able to restore his circulation before any serious damage set in.

Taub : It's not meningococcemia. CSF was negative for bacteria.

Foreman : But high on lymphocytes. It's some kind of viral infection.

Masters : Serum sickness fits everything.

Chase : There'd have to be a cause, some drug he's been exposed to.

Masters : In rare cases, a tick or a spider bite could set it off…

House : Show of hands. Who's going to this charity thing Friday night? (Chase and Taub rise hands.)

Chase : Already got a date.

House : Cuddy is getting an award. I think we should all be there, show our support.

Foreman : I assume you're planning on screwing it up, so you want to maximize witnesses.

House : Why does everyone go to that?

Foreman : Experience?

House : Shut up! How 'bout go… or work the clinic all weekend? I hear it's genital herpes awareness month. (Masters and Foreman raise hands.) Serum sickness fits. Take him off the antibiotics. Start him on corticosteroids. If we're right, he'll be better by morning.

(Cut to locker room.)

Taub : Canceled date, huh?

Foreman : You're bugging my cell phone?

Taub : No. I just noticed you're not wearing it.

Foreman : What?

Taub (retrieving a shirt from Foreman's locker) : Your first-date shirt.

Foreman : You tracking my wardrobe?

Taub : I'm just observant. That's why I'm good at my job.

Foreman : It's also the reason you're starting to annoy the crap out of me.

Taub : Forgive me for trying to connect a little with my roommate. I just found out that Rachel is now officially more than just emotional with her online friend.

Foreman : You're getting divorced. What did you expect?

Taub : I know. You're right. Just… thinking about it kinda makes me wanna throw up.

Foreman : You still wanna get something to eat?

Taub : I could cook.

(Cut to Foreman's flat. Taub and Foreman are playing videogames.)

Foreman : Ooh. That had to hurt. Not as bad as you. You just missed a free upgrade. Ha. Just did it again. You ran past the power up.

Taub : Double damn!

Foreman (He stops playing) : Are you just letting me win?

Taub : Of course I'm not letting you… (looking at Foreman) Okay, maybe a little. You're having fun, right?

Foreman : Not anymore.(He puts the p*stol back and crosses his arms.)

Taub : I used to think the whole brooding thing was just part of your work persona, but now I live with you. You need to lighten up, Bert.

Foreman : And you think I need you to show me what? How to have fun, relax?

Taub : It was working till you flipped out. (He gets up and starts collecting the plates.)

Foreman : If I was gonna take advice on how to live my life, it would not be from you. You're broke, you ruined your marriage, and yet you act like you're the victim here, like somehow we're all supposed to feel sorry for you. (louder) You screwed up your life, not some emotional friend your wife met on the… (He stops and grunts in pain.)

Taub : What's wrong?

Foreman : My stomach. You… you poisoned me! (He runs out of the room.)

Taub : I ate the same thing you did. How come I'm not… (He looks concerned) Oh, dear God. (He hurries out of the room.)

(Cut to Bert's room. Diane is banging on the bathroom door.)

Diane : Open the door, Bert, please. Baby, talk to me. He locked himself inside. He went crazy. He h*t me.

Chase : Bert. Open the door, Bert.

Diane : Bert?

(Inside the bathroom, Bert is hallucinating. He hears thunder, the walls are moving. His eyes in the mirror are red. He tries to wash his face but blood comes out of the faucet. The room seems to be narrowing. He extends his arms in order to block the walls.)

Bert : I can't get out! Why? I can't get out! Oh, lord, oh, no! Why can't I… get out?

(Cut to Diagnostics office.)

Masters : Skin rash is gone. But whatever it is, it obviously moved into his brain.

Foreman : Or not.

Masters : He had a psychotic break. I'd say that usually indicates neurological involvement.

Foreman : Usually. Not always. The hallucinations stopped once the steroids we gave him cleared his system. I think that… Mm. (He grunts.)I think we caused this.

Chase : What happened to you?

Foreman : Taub tried to k*ll me last night.

Masters : The steroids probably did clear up the rash, but the rest of his symptoms are the same.

Chase : And now bilateral conjunctivitis.

Foreman : Uh, excuse me. I'll be back. (He runs out.)

Taub : I… I, uh, better go check on him. (He tries to leave with dignity, but has to run out. House smiles.)

(Cut to the men's room. We see Taub and Foreman's feet, pants down. House, Masters and Chase enter the room.)

House : Swollen joints, high white count, fever. Conjunctivitis. Anyone?

Foreman and Taub, together : Seriously?

House ; What, you two can't think and poop at the same time? There's a life at stake here!

Taub : Uh… could be familial Mediterranean fever?

Foreman : Not likely. That almost always presents with abdominal pain or… diarrhea. (Masters and Chase are bothered by the smell, apparently.)

Chase : Given his job, the skin and eye involvement, it's more likely a systemic fungal infection.

Masters : Well, we would have seen it in his blood work. Unless the saline used to recover and store the tissue samples has been shown in recent studies…

House : Get new blood and CSF samples using formaldehyde instead of saline. And start him and his wife on triple antifungal therapy.

Masters : His wife?

House : Well, if he's really trying to keep her happy, I assume they've shared bodily fluids. (They leave the room, leaving Taub and Foreman, still in their stalls, alone.)

Foreman : I hate you.

(Cut to Bert's room, where Masters is hanging up IV bags.)

Masters : You could have picked it up from your job. The… real one, not the fake one. If you had been more honest about…

Chase (clearly annoyed) : How is that relevant?

Masters : If his wife knew about his job, they both might have been more alert to the early symptoms. We could have caught it earlier.

Chase : That's ridiculous. (Diane enters the room with sunglasses. She takes them out, revealing a black eye.)

Bert : My God, sweetheart, I'm so sorry.

Diane : Whatever you're doing, it's obviously not working.

Chase : We think he has a systemic fungal infection. We're starting him on a parenteral antifungal regimen.

Masters : It can be transferred through bodily fluids, so we have to start you on the treatment as well.

Diane : A fungus? Where would he…

Chase : it could be from anywhere. The spores can become airborne.

Diane : But why would he be the only one? No one in our neighborhood, no one in his office building?

Chase : Sometimes it just happens… that way. It's hard to explain.

Bert : No. It's not. I need to talk to my wife in private for a moment.

(Cut to Wilson consulting in his office.)

Wilson : Your numbers indicate the medication isn't helping with your cholesterol.

(He is interrupted by La Raspa , played loudly, Mariachi style. He goes to investigate, which leads him directly to Diagnostics office, where House is sitting in front of a big Mariachi band.)

Wilson : Hey! (House whistles. The music stops.)

House : Huh?

Wilson : What are you doing?

House : What's it look like I'm doing? Auditioning a band for Friday night.

Wilson : So you're trying to ruin Cuddy's moment in the spotlight.

House (hurt) : Ruin? These guys recorded with Juan Gabriel. They're gonna cost me 2 grand. This is not a prank. These guys are the beginning of Cuddy's evening to remember. Which, in turn, will make my evening…

Wilson : I think, if you do this, your evening will end with you in your apartment alone… with a sock.

House : Muchachos, adelante. Tres, cuatro… (The music starts back, with House conducting it.)

(Cut to Bert and her wife arguing in the room. Chase and Masters are waiting outside.)

Masters : This is all for the best.

Chase : Yeah. Either that or… the opposite. (Diane leaves the room.)

Masters : If it means anything, um… I think he's honestly just trying to protect you and keep you happy.

Diane (clearly upset) : Oh, God, of course he would tell a bunch of strangers before he would tell me. I mean, why not? I'm just a stupid housewife, right? You know, I have something you can share with him. It's over. He's a liar, and I never want to hear from him again. You may wanna go check on him. His fever's back. But I am done worrying about him.

Chase : She's right. He's at 101.

Bert : Diane?

Masters : We're gonna have to get your fever down.

Bert : What… what's wrong? What are you saying? I can't hear you. I can't… I can't hear anything! (loudly) Why can't I hear anything?

(Cut to the team, contemplating Bert from the corridor.)

Chase: His hearing is almost completely gone.

Masters : The new blood and CSF tests were negative for spores and fungus.

Chase : Tumor necrosis factor syndrome? Fits the conjunctivitis and painful swelling in his joints.

Masters : Except it's never been documented to cause hearing loss. Ever.

House : Oh, no, she di'int!

Chase : This isn't the classroom. In the real world, real doctors know that patients can have more than one thing wrong with them.

House : Zing.

Chase : He was taking Vicodin. Extreme abusers can experience hearing loss.

Masters : Except his drug levels never got into the ototoxic zone.

Chase : You have a better idea?

House : I do. Only in the sense that you're wasting my time with a bad idea and she's wasting my time with no idea. Maybe we should hear from silent and silenter.

Foreman : It's probably neurological.

Taub : Brain tumor?

Foreman : Or a viral infection that's reached his brain.

House : I say we go with Ernie on this one. Get an MRI. Find it.

(The team starts to leave.)

Taub : I'm gonna move out next week. I'd rather stay friends than be roommates.

Foreman : Just make sure I get my keys back.

Taub : It's not my fault. (loudly) : I cooked it thoroughly!

(Cut to Wilson and Cuddy having a drink at the cafeteria.)

Wilson : Looking forward to Friday night?

Cuddy : Yes and no. Yes, because it is a great honor, and no because… Well, you know the because.

Wilson : You think House is going to embarrass you.

Cuddy : Well, not intentionally. (She glances at Wilson.) Maybe intentionally.

Wilson : I know what you mean. I picture him doing something stupid like… hiring a mariachi band or something.

Cuddy : Well, actually, I could get behind that. I tried to hire one last year, but the board wouldn't let me because they thought it was too expensive. (This leaves Wilson considering.)

(Cut to MRI room. Chase and Masters are preparing Bert for the procedure.)

Bert : I'm freezing. (Masters show a sheet of paper saying : kept cold in the MRI) Is… is Diane coming back? (Masters starts writing No. Upon Chase “Uh-uh”, she changes it to “Not yet”.)

Chase : Bedside 101… when a patient is near death, try to be nice.

Masters : She's not coming back. I'm not gonna lie to him.

Chase (Not looking at her.): Stop.

Masters : What? You heard what she said.

Chase : He's seizing. We gotta get him out of there. (They rush to the MRI.)

(Cut to Bert's room. He is unconscious and undergoing dialysis. The team is outside.)

Chase : Both his kidneys are fried.

Taub : He's in a coma. He has maybe a few days left.

Chase : We can try and get him on the transplant list, but in his condition and without a diagnosis, I don't see him getting selected.

Masters : He wouldn't survive the surgery.

Chase : Hence my previous comment.

Foreman: What do you want us to do, House?

House : If it's a tumor, we start chemo. b*mb his head with radiation.

Foreman : Which will probably k*ll him in this state.

Chase : And without an MRI, we don't even know if he has one.

House : He's definitely d*ad if we do nothing. If I'm wrong, all we do is shave a few hours off.

Taub : We'll need his wife's consent.

House : Masters will get it.

Chase : Probably not a good idea.

Masters : Uh, he's right.

House : No, he's not. Consider this me officially booting you out of the nest.

(Cut to the lobby, where Masters is waiting for Diane to arrive. Chase joins her)

Chase : Just wanted to watch.

Masters : Do you even like me?

Chase : Why?

Masters : I put making friends and having relationships on hold so I could concentrate on studying. I always thought there'll be plenty of time for that in the future. But… now when I do want them… I can't even get a date to this charity event. If I can't establish relationships in my personal life, how will I ever do it with a patient? (Diane arrives. Chase leans on the counter and speaks gently to Masters.)

Chase : Be honest with her. But if it comes down to a choice between the brutal truth and hope, side with hope. (Masters swallows nervously and goes to Diane.)

Masters : He's in a coma. We think it's a brain tumor, and we need your permission to start treatment. Due to his current condition, the risk factor…

Diane : You mean… it could k*ll him?

Masters : It's possible. But… there is still hope.

Diane : Can he hear me? They say that… that people in coma can still do that.

Masters : Sometimes, but your husband's hearing… is fine. (Diane looks hopeful. Masters turns to Chase, who nods.)

(Cut to Bert's room. Diane is sitting next to him.)

Diane : I didn't mean any of those awful things I said. I'm so sorry. I love you, Bert. I've always loved you. I also kept a secret from you. I was gonna tell you at the restaurant… but you got sick. And I wanted to wait until you felt better. I'm pregnant, sweetheart. You're gonna be a daddy.

(Cut to Diagnostics office. Symptoms are written on the whiteboard (HAY!). House is staring at them.)

House : Why rash again? It went away. It needs a reason to come back. We know it's not an allergic reaction, so we must have done something to set it off again. What?

Taub : We put him on dialysis?

Foreman : Moved him to the ICU?

Masters : We also did a partial MRI.

Chase : Two hours before the rash came back. They're not connected.

House : What was he doing two hours before he broke out the first time?

Foreman : Cleaning a crime scene.

Chase : Crime scene and an MRI. Still not seeing the connection.

House : We've been missing connections this entire case. Did he say anything? Did he show any signs of stress in the MRI room?

Masters : He said he was cold, but it's always freezing in there.

House : Cold and rash.

Taub : Cold urticaria causes rash, but it's almost instantaneous and not time-delayed.

Foreman : And it wouldn't explain his other symptoms.

House (he has his epiphany face) : That's what we did. We made him cold. CAPS. Genetic disorder caused by a mutation in the cold-induced autoinflammatory syndrome one gene.

Foreman : Muckle-Wells syndrome? There's only been a couple thousand documented cases in the U.S.

House : Well, now there's a couple thousand and one. Fits every symptom there. We're idiots for not seeing it before. Treat with rilonacept. He'll live a long and healthy life filled with lies to his wife and future child.(He caps his pen with a satisfied look.)

(Cut to Masters and Chase getting out of the elevator. We hear alarms beeping. They run to Bert's room. He has coded. A bunch of nurses is doing CPR. Music starts as, in slow motion, we see a montage : Masters does CPR while Chase push meds in the IV ; Chase checks Bert's pulse, then stops Masters ; she goes back to the CPR, Chase takes her hands off gently ; Diane cries ; nurses clean the room, while Diane sits next to his d*ad husband. The camera moves to House, resting in his Eames chair, thinking, playing absently with a rubber band, then looking up at Wilson entering the room, ready to leave with his case and umbrella. It is dark and rainy outside.)

Wilson : You okay?

House : Why wouldn't I be? Solved my case.

Wilson : But your patient died.

House (gets up and goes to his desk) : I didn't say in time. It happens. I can't save everyone.

Wilson : I just came to apologize. You're right. I am turning bitter and cynical inside.

House : You're finally putting the cat down. (Wilson glares at House. House gives up.) She loves mariachi. I told you.

Wilson : Go home and… change. Party's in a few hours. (He leaves and House expression changes from light to sad.)

(Cut to PPTH locker room. Taub an Foreman are getting formally dressed.)

Foreman : You don't have to move out if you don't want to. I realize you might have had a point. I've been alone a long time. And I don't want to end up like House.

Taub : What you said about me and my marriage was…

Foreman : I was being an ass.

Taub : True. But you were right. I needed to hear it.

Foreman : So we're good. (He extends his hand. Taub shakes it.)

Taub : You know, I have a couple tickets…

Foreman : Don't push it.

(Cut to the stairway. A very girly dressed-up Masters is waiting. Chase joins her.)

Masters : Taub and Foreman done? I'm hitching a ride with them.

Chase : Me too.

Masters : You're not picking up your date?

Chase : Naw. Going solo. All those meaningless relationships tend to wear a guy out after a while.

Foreman : We've got 15 minutes to get there if we wanna see the board freak when House's mariachi band marches in.

(They take the stairs. Masters starts to walk and stops awkwardly in front of Chase, smiling, who gestures to her to go first. Cielito Lindo starts to play, followed by a cell phone buzzing.)

(Cut to a sky view of Princeton, then to the interior of a pub. House is sitting at the counter, in his tee shirt, looking very drunk. His keys are on the counter, next to his phone, still buzzing. He blinks and rubs his forehead, then drinks some more. He takes a brief look at Wilson, who sits next to him silently, then speaks.)

House : All of them are gone, Wilson. They're all d*ad because I am screwed up.

Wilson : You lost one patient. And it wasn't your fault.

House : What about that mom who gave her baby cancer? If I'd figured that one out quicker, she'd still be a mom alive.

Wilson : She refused treatment when it was offered. How is that your fault?

House : And there was that guy I spent a day trapped in isolation with. He was five feet away the whole time. Just watched him die like an idiot.

Wilson : Yeah. You' lost patients before, and you'll lose patients again. Why…

House : Exactly! Why? Because love and happiness are… nothing but distractions. The only thing my relationship with Cuddy has done for me is make me a worse doctor.

Wilson (with an incredulous laugh) : Right. The great Dr. House doesn't deserve to be happy. You know it's not true.

House : My happiness is being paid for by other people's lives. (Softly) How is she?

Wilson : She's worried. She's upset that you didn't show up tonight.

House ; I gotta tell her the truth, Wilson. (He gets up. Wilson snatches his car keys.)

Wilson : First… first, you're not driving anywhere. And second, you are definitely not talking to Cuddy like this.

House : Okay. I'm gonna walk. (He leaves the pub, limping and stumbling at the same time. Wilson stays at the counter, watches him go and sighs.)

(Cut to Cuddy wrapped in a blanket, going to her door, where someone is knocking rhythmically. She checks, and opens her door to a drenched House.)

House : We really, really need to talk.

Cuddy : You're drunk. (He enters anyhow.) And you screwed up big time. (Louder) Go home! (She follows him in the living room.) You completely disappeared on me. You wouldn't even answer your cell phone.

House (standing in the middle of the room) : You're gonna want to… sit down for this. Go ahead. (She freezes. He gestures to the couch.) Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. (She sits stiffly, still wrapped in her blanket. House leans heavily on his cane, eyes closed, frowning.) I've made a decision. Being happy and being in love with you… makes me a crappy doctor.

Cuddy : Shut up. You're too drunk to end this relationship.

House (slowly, seriously) : I am drunk. And I'm also right. You have made me a worse doctor. And people are gonna die because of that. And… you… are totally worth it. (Cuddy blinks several times, looking stunned, but somewhat relieved. House joins her on the couch.) If I had to choose between… saving everyone and loving you and being happy… I choose you. I choose being happy with you. (Smiling drunkenly, he leans forward and nestles in her lap. ) I will always choose you. (He giggles.) My head's on your vagina.

Cuddy (She looks worried and put her hand on his back.) : Go to sleep, House.

House (mumbling) : Yeah. I am kinda tired. (He stills. Cuddy keeps her hand on his back and doesn't move, looking concerned.)

(End)
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x14 - Recession Proof"}