[Open on the view from a plane flying over some trees. People are singing “This Land is Your Land” loudly and very, very out of tune. There is a clearing. An enormous dump truck has “The only clean is green” written on the dust on its windshield. Protesters are sitting against the side of the truck. Their heads don’t even reach halfway up the tires. A chain joins the protesters. It runs across each one’s lap and through large black tubes. Their arms, up to the elbows, are also in the tubes. A sheet with the message “What would mother nature do?” is hanging on the side of the truck. Another truck with protesters can be seen in the background. The police have formed a line in front of the protesters. On the other side of the line is a crowd, many wearing hard hats, shouting at the protesters.]

Man in Crowd: You made your point. Now how about letting us do our jobs?

Doug: Our point will be made when your company stops tearing down this mountain.

Second Man: Then who’s gonna feed our kids? You?

Doug: If you really cared about your kids, you’d want them to have air to breathe when they grow up.

Second Man: What’d you say, you son of a bitch?

Susan: You guys aren’t the problem. You’re being hurt more than anyone. You breathe in that coal dust.

Doug: Coal is the dirtiest energy on earth.

[Someone in the crowd throws a large rock. It bounces off the tire rim.]

Policeman: Gonna need some backup.

Doug: Not enough for you thugs to as*ault the environment?

Susan: Doug. Please, don’t. [She begins to wobble then falls over.]

Doug: Susan? Susan! You okay?

Policeman 2: [checking Susan out] She needs to get to a hospital.

Doug: She’s just dehydrated. We have medics here. Let ‘em give her fluids.

Policeman 2: She has no pulse. Either unhook your arm, or I’m gonna break it off. Either way, this protest is over.

Man in Crowd: The protest is over now! [Crowd yells “it’s over.”]

Doug: [pauses] All right. [He pulls his arm from the pipe. The loose piece of chain is tied to his wrist. They faked being chained together.]

[Policeman 2 takes a canteen and sprinkles water on Susan’s face.]

Susan: What happened?

Policeman 2: You passed out. It’s okay. Just dehydrated.

Doug: ;You know we’ll be back. [He stands and yells to the crowd.] We’ll be back!

[He falls to his knees, prompting cheers and applause from the crowd. Everything seems to be out of focus and moving in slow motion. Doug totters to his feet.]

Policeman 2: Hey, stop screwing around.

Doug: I’m not… screwing around. I just can’t… [He falls again.] I can’t stand up.

[Opening credits]

[Cut to Cameron, in street clothes, approaching the OR suite. Chase, in scrubs. is inside, talking to someone. She taps on the window and he comes out.]

Cameron: I need to push back our getaway.

Chase: No you don’t. Found you a board. Perfect size to learn on.

Cameron: I’m just postponing. O’Neill from Philly General wants me to get a patient in to see House.

Chase: So?

Cameron I owe him a favor. He’s taken about a dozen of my referrals over the last year.

Chase: I meant so, that’s five seconds to hand House the file, 30 for him to question your real motives, a minute for witty comments comparing the length of your legs to Thirteen’s… Plenty of time left over for the shore.

Cameron: I need to make sure he doesn’t toss the file in the trash as soon as I’m out of sight.

Chase: Babe, can’t you repay the favor on another case? After last week, I could really use a break from this place. We both could.

Cameron: Once I’m sure he’s really on the case, then we’re out of here. And these legs and every other part of me will be all yours. [She kisses him and leaves.]

[Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room.]

Cameron: He’s seen three different specialists.

House: Interesting. Almost as interesting as you trying to step into Kutner’s shoes just days after he stepped out of them.

Cameron: I am not shoe shopping. I’m just trying to repay a favor to his referring doctor.

Thirteen: What’s the mystery? The nutcase spends all his free time wreaking havoc at toxic waste dumps.

Cameron: Tox screen’s negative. No neurological, muscular or cardiovascular abnormalities.

Foreman: The guy cares about the environment. That makes him a nutcase?

Taub: He’s a single guy in his 20s. He cares about getting his hybrid waxed by girls who care about the environment.

Foreman: See? Not a nutcase. [Thirteen smiles at him.]

Taub: He’s probably just faking so he can sue the cops and get a six-figure settlement.

Cameron: If he was trying to fake an illness, why would he consent to be seen by the best diagnostician in the country?

House: Now who’s trying to get her hybrid waxed? We need to do a vestibular caloric test. See if the balance problem starts above or below the neck. [The team starts to get up.] And when I say “we,” I mean “you.” You’re the one with the favor to repay, not them.

[Cut to Doug’s room.]

Cameron: I’m going to be injecting ice water in your ear canal. If the resulting eye movements are at all erratic, then the balance problem is in your inner ear.

Doug: [looking at a vase with two flowers in it] Those in every room?

Cameron: I think so.

Doug: Can you get rid of them? Preferably from every room. They use over 30 pesticides to grow commercial flowers. You’d think the medical industry would be a lot more —

Cameron: Concerned with medicine? Let’s fix your body. Then you can go back to fixing the earth. This is gonna get a little uncomfortable. [She squirts the water in his ear.]

Doug: I just spent 14 hours chained to a tire.

Cameron: Most doctors would recommend —

Doug: Our planet’s headed for destruction. Coastlines under water. A million species extinct. Whoa. [He straightens up] Feels like I’m tumbling head over heels.

Cameron: That’s normal. Sometimes this test causes vertigo [He turns toward Cameron and vomits] and nausea.

[Cut to cafeteria. Wilson is studying the menu board.]

House: Cameron just brought me a case.

Wilson: Cameron is happy in the ER. There’s no way she wants her nose back on your grindstone. [he orders] Egg white omelet, no bacon, whole wheat toast.

House: I say it’s not my grindstone she’s after. And not her nose she wants on it. She and Chase are practically living together. What did you just order?

Wilson: An omelet.

House: Since when do you pass on the swine? And wheat toast? Might as well eat a sheet of sandpaper.

Wilson: Yes. But I don’t like eating the same thing two days in a row.

House: Your bro’s nurse not lovin’ the love handles?

Wilson: I’m just not in the mood for bacon. And you’re obviously trying to avoid talking about Kutner. Which is odd, because you spent a whole week obsessing about why —

House: He’s no longer on my team. I’m sorry he’s no longer on my team. Nothing else to talk about.

Wilson: You’re wearing the watch he gave you for Secret Santa.

House: [displaying the watch] Five functions, including a stopwatch to time how long it takes you to ask me if I’m okay.

Wilson: You gonna order?

House: Not hungry. [He takes a Vicodin.]

[Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room]

Taub: It’s just weird. She’s brought cases before but he’s never made her run the tests.

Thirteen: Maybe he’s looking for someone to mother him after what happened.

Foreman: The only kind of mothering House wants involves a bullwhip, leather diapers and a credit card.

[Cameron can be seen through the blinds, walking quickly down the hall]

Taub: Mommy’s home. [The stand up]

[Cut to House’s office as Cameron enters]

Cameron: Test made the patient lose his lunch. But his calorics are normal. His inner ear is fine and he still can’t balance himself.

Taub: How many normal test results do we need to know the patient’s a granola-filled phony?

Cameron: He’s not lying about his symptoms.

Taub: And you know this because —

House: She changed her shoes. If he was faking, he’d have vomited on the other side of the bed.

Foreman: Sparring with the police and chaining yourself up for days can cause stress. Stress screws with the heart and arteries. Carotid atherosclerosis could cause a loss of balance.

Cameron: Wouldn’t show up on a CT or MRI.

Thirteen: Could also be our only warning before a massive stroke.

House: Do a Holter and a carotid Doppler. See if his heart skips for more than the spotted owl. [The team turns to leave] Although I didn’t say “we.” If I had… {Cameron leaves instead.]

[Cut to Doug’s room. Cameron is doing the Doppler. He hiccups.]

Doug: Sorry if this is screwing up the test. Been hiccupping a lot lately but… [hic] not as bad as this.

Cameron: How much is “a lot” and how long is “lately”?

Doug: It’s been on and off for about a week. Maybe a few hours a day.

Cameron: Did you tell the doctors in Philly about it?

Doug: They didn’t seem to think it was any big deal.

[She stops the test.]

[Cut to hallway. Chase intercepts Cameron.]

Chase: Hey, so we’re still leaving tomorrow, aren’t we?

Cameron: I’m not sure. The referring doctors didn’t realize that his hiccups were —

Chase: Hiccups?

Cameron: With this duration and intensity, most likely pathological, and it could mean it’s serious.

Chase: Are you avoiding me?

Cameron: No.

Chase: So I shouldn’t be at all concerned that you’re treating another doctor’s patient for hiccups instead of going on a vacation I spent a week planning. [awkward pause]

Cameron: There is a reason I need to stay with this case a while longer, but I can’t tell you what it is.

Chase: So you admit you lied to me. And now you’re asking me to trust you?

Cameron: Yes.

Chase: [thinks] Okay.

[Cut to Cameron and House walking in the hallway toward Diagnostics]

Cameron: No sight of heart or arterial problems but he’s been hiccupping on and off for over a week.

House: Nice. I’m hooked. You can get back to your shift at the ER. Except, as far as the ER is concerned, you’re on vacation, right?

Cameron: I postponed a trip because I’m concerned about the patient.

House: Explains why you ditched Chase and came to differentials, not why you ran the tests.

Cameron: You told me to.

House: Well, I’m not your boss, as you usually take great pleasure in pointing out. Hey, you don’t still have the hots for me, do you?

Cameron: I care about the patient and I care about the people who work on your team. They’ve been through a lot lately. I just thought I —

House: Was Florence Nightingale. Yeah. You’re gonna nurse us back to spiritual and mental oneness. That would make sense if we were having this conversation a week ago.

Cameron: Think what you want — that I’m here to get a job, that I’m here to wrap you in swaddling clothes.

House: The problem is, I think neither. Because neither makes sense. The only thing that does… doesn’t.

[She walks into the Diagnostics Conference Room]

Cameron: Pathological hiccups plus inability to balance. Go.

[Taub looks slightly confused at her attempted takeover. House enters.]

House: What she said.

Thirteen: Brain would connect the two.

House: It could, if Cameron hadn’t already CT’d his head. Empty as her boyfriend’s calendar.

Taub: What does this have to do with Chase?

Cameron: Nothing.

House: [at the same time] Not sure yet.

Cameron: Patient is on a Jihad against commercial flowers. He’s picketed several nurseries. Organophosphate poisoning can cause both hiccups and —

Foreman: No GI problems. No hyper-salivation.

Taub: It’s possible it’s not connected to a protest. MS wouldn’t show on the CT and his name’s Swenson. Scandinavians have an increased susceptibility to MS.

House: Better theory than he’s faking it. The clogs have it. Do a lumbar puncture to confirm MS.

[House and Cameron stare at each other. Thirteen looks between the two of them.]

Thirteen: I guess we’ll just continue to twiddle our thumbs.

House: God, I hope that’s a euphemism.

Cameron: How am I supposed to do a lumbar puncture on a patient with intractable hiccups?

House: I’m trying to figure out what that could be a euphemism for. [Taub sighs] You’ll find a way. [Cameron sighs]

[Cut to Doug’s room. Foreman is holding him down, on his side while Cameron performs the lumbar puncture.]

Cameron: You’re not worried House is gonna be pissed you’re helping me do the test?

Foreman: He said find a way. And you did.

[She swabs povidone on Scott’s back]

Cameron: How do you think House is doing?

Foreman: That why you’re here?

Cameron: Yeah.

Foreman: No it isn’t. Even if House was messed up by Kutner’s su1c1de, it wouldn’t matter. He already thinks life is nasty, brutish and long. And misery helps his diagnostic skills. All of which you know so… Why are you here?

Cameron: Which answer would you believe?

Foreman: If you want Kutner’s place, it’s fine with me. I could use someone else with the stones to stand up to House. But you’ve gotta know it’s gonna blow up your relationship with Chase.

Cameron: All I did was postpone a three-day trip.

Foreman: With Chase. To be with House.

[Doug hiccups just as Cameron was about to insert the LP needle. She puts it down.]

Foreman (continues): What are you doing?

Cameron: Ordering IV chlorpromazine.

Foreman: This could still be neurological. You could cloud his mental status.

Cameron: You wanna get the needle in his spine or you wanna talk?

[Foreman sighs and lets go of Doug.]

[Cut to the Clinic. Cuddy is at the desk. Chase enters.]

Chase: You and House been talking about filling Kutner’s slot?

Cuddy: Yeah. We went straight from the funeral to Human Resources. You interested in getting back on the team?

Chase: I’m interested in knowing if Cameron’s interested. She’s been running all the tests for House’s case.

Cuddy: Well, she hasn’t said anything to me. But I guess, uh, the referring doctor might have asked her to keep an eye on him.

Chase: Do you think Cameron’s in love with House?

Cuddy: That is a ridiculous question. She’s in love with you.

Chase: Are you in love with House?

Cuddy: That… is an even more ridiculous question.

Chase: Two questions. Zero answers. Think I can extrapolate from there. [He leaves]

[Cut to an open refrigerator. House is going through it. He pulls out a container with “J. Wilson” on the top. As he opens it to sniff what’s inside, a door closing can be heard.]

Franni: Dr. House?

House: Sorry, I’m just the Zone delivery guy.

Franni: I’m, uh, Doug Swenson’s wife.

House: His history said the environmental kamikaze was single.

Franni: He, um, he probably didn’t want me to worry. He told me he was in jail with some of the other protesters.

House: Yeah. No worries there.

Franni: He’s in jail a lot. Not so often in the hospital. I searched his e-mail and I found the referral to you yesterday.

House: You must really love your husband and travel by rickshaw. It only took you 18 hours go get here. [He puts a forkful of Wilson’s lunch in his mouth and makes a very disgusted face.] Who eats kale? It’s so bland it doesn’t even taste like kale.

Franni: Uh, I had to find somebody to take care of our four-year-old son. Doug’s all right, isn’t he?

House: I have no idea. I know he’s and idiot. And now I’ve learned that he’s a liar. So we’re making a — [As he gets ready to toss Wilson’s lunch in the trash, he stops and stares at it.] Who told you I was in here?

Franni: The doctor in the office next to yours said that you might be here.

[House looks at the lunch container again. Then he opens the trash can and dumps it.]

[Cut to Doug’s room. He’s unconscious. Cameron and Forman are about to do the lumbar puncture. House enters. Franni enters a minute or so later.]

House: I got it figured out.

Foreman: That mean we don’t need to do the LP.

House: [indicating Cameron] I was talking to her. You’re not even supposed to be here.

Cameron: You want us to stop or not?

House: What? Oh, I don’t care what you do with him. You’re not doing a favor for a doctor in Philly. You’re doing a favor for an oncologist in North Jersey.

Cameron: I’m spying on you for Wilson?

House: Spying, preemptive grief counseling.

Cameron: Wilson sees you ten times more than I do. He’s a better liar and he wouldn’t have to cancel a vacation to do it.

House: Good points. Also doesn’t explain the diet.

Franni: What does any of this have to do with my husband?

House: Nothing. Meet Mrs. Environmental Nutbag. Or did you keep your maiden name?

Cameron: He’s married?

House: Yep. Got a kid too. Double thr*at. Eco-freak and deadbeat dad.

Foreman: House.

Foreman: Sorry… Parentally challenged.

Foreman: No, his neck.

[Doug’s neck has several bulges on the side.]

Cameron: It’s torticollis. Reaction to the chlorpromazine.

House: It’s not just a spasm. It’s swollen. [He pushes on the bulges which make a slight crinkly sound.] Crunchy.

[Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room]

Foreman: It’s definitely not MS. Crunching sounds were caused by an air leak between his lungs.

Cameron: Leak in his mediastinum could have been caused by prolonged hiccups.

Taub: More likely, it was the neck spasm.

Cameron: Most likely, it was there all along. We just didn’t notice it till the other symptoms made it worse.

House: So, what causes loss of balance, pathological hiccups, and a hole in his Gloria Steinem?

Foreman: He was protesting a lumber mill last fall. Sarcoid’s been linked to pine forests.

House: No. His A.C.E. levels were normal.

Thirteen: Progressive systemic sclerosis. Guy practically lives in industrial waste sites. If a solvent got absorbed through his lungs, caused an autoimmune firestorm…

House: Start him on IV methyl-prednisolone for systemic sclerosis. Do a full work-up to confirm.

Cameron: By myself?

House: Without yourself. [to the team] Grab a bat. [to Cameron] Grab some pine. Time to bring in the first string.

[Cameron and Foreman exchange looks as the team leaves.]

Cameron: Why?

House: You obviously want to be here. I can’t figure out why. I wanna see where you go when you can’t be here. [He watches her leave.]

[Cut to ER at night. Cuddy approaches Cameron who is going through a chart at the desk.]

Cuddy: You know what vacation means, right?

Cameron: You’re here because of House, Chase or overtime issues.

Cuddy; He’s very concerned. Chase, not House.

Cameron: Well, if it’s all right with you, I’d rather communicate with Chase by communicating with Chase.

Cuddy: Are you in love with House?

Cameron: You… are not concerned about me. You’re marking your territory.

Cuddy: You shouldn’t be involved with House. Neither should I. Neither should anyone. You and Chase are good together. Just don’t screw it up.

[Cut to Doug’s room.]

Franni: When are you gonna stop this?

Doug: How can you ask me to stop?

Franni: You’re in a hospital. You have a son.

Foreman: The steroids ought to get him breathing normally again.

Thirteen: But autoimmune diseases are serious. It might not be a bad idea to take some time at home. Rest up.

Doug: I can’t just quit.

Franni: [crying] Do you hate us that much?

Doug: I love you. And I love our son. But why should he matter more than everyone else’s?

Franni: He does.

Doug: Why? Because he’s biologically connected to me? There’s no rational reason.

Franni: He’s our son!

Doug: And he’s gonna need to drink clean water. And breathe clean air. I’m doing this for him too.

[Cut to an apartment. There’s loud knocking on the door — the sound that would be made if a wooden cane were being used to knock. Wilson walks toward the door.]

Wilson: Come on in, House. [He opens the door] Because who else is it going to be at 10:30 at night? And, no thanks, I already ate.

House: Didn’t ask you to dinner.

Wilson: But you were going to. And, when I explained that I’d eaten hours ago, you were going to move on to your real entrée, rifling through my kitchen.

[House pauses in the kitchen doorway and turns back to study Wilson.]

House: Hmmm. Inviting me to search your kitchen. Means that you know that I’d find nothing. Or that you know I’d find something so you’re hoping that I’m going to assume the former and I won’t bother to look. [He heads into the kitchen]

Wilson: Or it means it’s late, I’m tired, I know you’re here to advance some paranoid theory based on a single egg white omelet, and I’d like to get it over with so we can both go to sleep.

House: Your single omelet theory conveniently overlooks the grassy knoll you had for lunch today. Vegetable and grain gag-athon.

Wilson: The Warren Commission found no evidence of a second lunch. Possibly because it was stolen from the doctor’s lounge.

House: You’re not getting any fatter. Your medical records were clean.

Wilson: You checked my — ?

House: You’re alone tonight, so it’s Kutner.

Wilson: How could Kutner have any conceivable —

House: Your patients live, your patients die. You float above it all like a medical colossus. But a fellow doctor dies…

Wilson: That’s brilliant. Kutner was a wake-up call that if I didn’t eat healthier, I might k*ll myself.

House: Mortality is mortality.

Wilson: And… Ice cream is ice cream. [He takes a half gallon out of the freezer] Full fat content. Quadruple fat content. [He shows House a package of bacon. Next he hands House a bag of chips from the shelf above the refrigerator.]

House: Stuff you haven’t eaten just proves you haven’t eaten it.

Wilson: You were hoping for evidence of stuff I have eaten? First door on the right.

[House’s cell phone rings. When he answers it, Doug can be heard screaming loudly.]

Foreman: [on speaker phone in Doug’s room, shouting above the screaming] Excruciating pain in his left leg! Acute onset about ten minutes ago.

Franni: What are you doing to him?

House: I assume they were checking for vascular pulsations. Either it’s negative or he’s a big wuss.

Thirteen: It’s not a tumor or an aneurism.

House: [winces and hold the phone away from his ear] Metabolic bone disease?

Foreman: Bone density’s normal.

Taub: But the bone covering might not be! If it’s osteomyelitis, an infetion eating away at his periosteum —

House: That explains the pain. Odds are it’s a subclinical infection that we made worse with the steroids we gave him. Start him on IV antibiotics. X-ray his legs to confirm osteomyelitis.

Thirteen: Cameron’s already done a full set of lower-body x-rays.

House: The infection obviously flared. Do ‘em again. [He closes his phone to the sound of Doug still screaming.]

[House and Wilson settle on the sofa. House opens the bag of chips.]

Wilson: Even if I had changed my diet, what possible reason could I have for hiding it from you?

[House, for the second time in history, offers Wilson some chips. Wilson gestures “no.” House shoves chips in his mouth.]

[Cut to x-ray. Taub and Wilson are in the glass control room that shields they from radiation.]

Thirteen: Ankle, tibia, fibula all look normal. No inflammation, no signs of osteo.

[Doug groans.]

Taub: Hang in there. We’re almost done.

Thirteen: You and your wife… You talk about stuff?

Taub: Sex.

Thirteen: No. Anything else?

Taub: Money. [She gives him a look.] I’m gonna go way out on a limb here. Foreman not a Chatty Cathy?

Thirteen: Normally, it doesn’t matter. But last week it did.

Taub: If you wanna date men, good chance talking won’t be — [He looks at the x-ray] His femur’s fractured.

Thirteen: That’s impossible. It’s the hardest bone in the body.

Taub: And he broke it lying in bed.

[Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House rattles his pill bottle and takes one.]

Taub: How can you have a broken femur without so much as a bruise?

Foreman: Whatever broke it had to do it from within.

Thirteen: Osteogenesis imperfecta?

Foreman: Brittle bones wouldn’t cause hiccups. Plus, we’d have seen abnormal coloring in the sclerae.

House: [drinking something to wash down the pill] Which leaves cancer.

Foreman: Since when does bone cancer cause hiccups? [He plays with the empty pill bottle.]

House: Which means it’s not bone cancer.

Foreman: Or it’s not cancer.

Thirteen: House is right. It’d be hard to find a guy outside Chernobyl who’d been exposed to more carcinogens. Pesticide plants, nuclear waste sites.

House: Tell Chase to repair the break. You two prep him for chemo.

Foreman: You want to blast him with chemo for a chance we don’t even know he has?

House: Nope. I wanna blast him for with chemo for a cancer that explains the symptoms.

[House leaves, followed by Taub and Thirteen. Foreman thinks.]

[Cut to OR.]

Chase: Intramedullary nail.

Foreman: Hold on. [He’s scrubbed up.]

Chase: That your House imitation? Some late-breaking epiphany

Foreman: I just want you to get a bone biopsy before you insert the pin.

Chase: For a broken leg?

Foreman: House is prepping him for chemo. Thought it might be worth checking for cancer before pumping him full of poison.

Chase: Does Cameron agree with House?

Foreman: Cameron isn’t on the case anymore.

Chase: Huh.

[Cut to ER.]

House: Still enjoying your day off, I see.

Cameron: Why are you prepping him for chemo?

House: The more interesting question is why do you care?

Cameron: You’re not even sure that it’s —

House: What I mean is, why do you care from here? You can monitor the patient from home. What’s the difference between here and home?

Cameron: [dripping with false sincerity] You’re not at my home. [normal voice] This has nothing to do with —

House: Any other differences? Hmm… there’s less medical equipment, more training bras, and more Vegemite sandwiches. Actually, technically, right now, Chase is here. But that’s because I called him, and you didn’t know that. And it’s irrelevant to my point. Which is… You and Chase are over.

Cameron: You are wrong.

House: You decided that his single drawer of clothes is one drawer too many. But you don’t have the guts to tell him. So… You’re emotionally walking away instead of actually walking away. Which is stupid ‘cause only one of those is good for your heart.

Cameron: [long pause] He’s gonna ask me to marry him. I was looking for some thick socks. Found the ring.

House: And you want to say no. So I circle right back to his single drawer of clothes —

Cameron: I don’t want to say anything. I don’t want him to ask. Not now. Kutner… We’re all a little freaked out. We go home, we just wanna hug someone. We just wanna know everything’s gonna be okay. I don’t want him to propose just ‘cause he’s scared.

House: Oh.

[The look at each other for a long moment. He leaves.]

[Cut to the clinic. A woman is sitting on the exam table. Her husband is standing behind her.]

Husband: She’s got a headache, fever. She’s completely exhausted. Tell him about your chest, honey.

Wife: Um —

Husband: Her breasts are really tender.

House: You guys have a hot tub?

Husband: No.

House: She must go to the gym a lot.

Husband: Not in years.

House: Then maybe when you travel on business you zip on down to that complimentary hotel spa.

Wife: No.

House: Sorry, did you just say yes?

Husband: What the hell’s wrong with her?

[There’s a knock on the door. Cuddy enters.]

Cuddy: Got a minute?

Husband: He doesn’t. What’s wrong with her?

House: Sorry. I’m sure she’s got a medical crisis. And I need more time to figure out some leading questions for your wife.

Cuddy: What’s going on with Cameron?

House: She doesn’t want back on my team and she doesn’t want to jump me.

Cuddy: Okay. [She starts to leave.]

House: Wha, wha, wha, what? You ask a question. I rule out two possibilities and you’re satisfied? That means you don’t want an answer. You just wanted to know there wasn’t a particular answer. Either you were worried that she wanted back on my team, or you were worried that she wanted back on me.

Husband: This isn’t a medical crisis, is it?

House: Could be. A lot of STDs hang in the balance. [He turns back to the door but Cuddy has left. He sighs.] I give up. Vinegar compresses four times a day. Any chance I could just leave it at that? [The husband glares.] No. Pseudomomas folliculitis. It’s a skin infection from crowded and contaminated hot tubs, which you obviously use, but not with your husband. [The wife looks guilty. House whispers to her] Tried to help a sister out.

[Cut to ward where Doug is in traction.]

Foreman: The nuclei were all normal. Bone cells were well differentiated. No dysplasia means no cancer.

Franni: That’s good, isn’t it?

Foreman: We hope so, although it also means we still have no idea what caused the break. How does it feel?

Doug: It hurts.

[Foreman starts to peel back the bandage. It’s very red underneath/]

Franni: Is it supposed to look like that?

Foreman: No. But it’s probably just residual bleeding from the surgery. We should be able to… [He finishes lifting off the bandage. The incision is bleeding quite a lot. Foreman rushes to the other side of the bed and lifts the blanket from Doug’s other leg. It is mottled.] I need two units of FFP, right away!

Franni: Oh my God! What’s happening?

Foreman: He’s bleeding out.

[He finishes taking the bandage off the incision. Blood drips down the leg.]

[Cut to the hallway where the team follows House from the Diagnostics Office. He’s got his backpack.]

House: Means it’s gotta be cancer.

Foreman: It’s gotta be, except it’s not. The biopsy was negative.

House: Biopsies can be wrong. Symptoms can’t.

Thirteen: All signs point to cancer but you cant blast a cancer you can’t find.

House: Sure you can. Prep him for total body irradiation.

Taub: You do realize that’s insane.

House: Not unless you think the cancer’s cleverly hiding outside his body.

Thirteen: Steroids already weakened his immune system. That much radiation’ll k*ll him before it kills the cancer.

Foreman: And if he doesn’t have cancer, we could cause one or destroy his immune system altogether. The guy could die from an infected toenail.

House: [getting in the elevator] You’d rather do nothing, just let him die on his own?

Taub: I’d rather make his cancer worse.

[Foreman rolls his eyes and his whole head. House sticks his cane in the elevator door to keep it from closing.]

Taub (continues): Give him insulin-like growth factor. Make any tumor or malignancy grow. Grows big enough, we can find it.

Thirteen: That’s like pouring gasoline on a f*re. At least total body irradiation’s an actual treatment.

House: [thinks] His idea is better. Pour away.

[House gets out of the elevator. They get in. He stands in the hall, thinking.]

[Cut to Wilson’s office. There’s a bag of cut carrots on the desk. House enters, quietly.]

House: I lost my mojo.

Wilson: Have you retraced your steps? Does your cleaning lady check your pockets before —

House: I was clueless about Kutner. I was wrong about Cameron. Taub just came up with an idea that I should have seen long before he did.

Wilson: No one saw anything coming with Kutner. You hardly ever see Cameron anymore. And you hired Taub to come up with ideas that you wouldn’t have come up with.

House: And I have no idea why you’re eating carrots.

Wilson: Good.

House: I’m losing my mind. All you got to say is “good”?

Wilson: House, a guy you worked with for two years, who you mentored and, yes, possibly even cared about, just blew his brains out. You can’t find the reason, can’t meaning in it because sometimes there isn’t any. Sometimes… this is all there is. You should be losing it. You’d be crazy not to be off your game. But your mojo is right where you left it. Just… keep playing with it. I gotta go. Help yourself. [He gestures toward the carrots.]

[Cut to Doug’s room. Taub and Thirteen wheel him in, accompanied by Franni.]

Taub: I know this is a tough process. At the first sign of any tumors or masses, we can —

Franni: Start saying prayers?

Thirteen: It’s gonna be okay. Once we can —

Franni: No. It’s not gonna be okay. You’re growing his cancer.

Doug: [wheezing] This isn’t the doctors’ fault. I’ve exposed myself to a lot of bad stuff. I knew the risks. I want my life to mean something. If that means I’m destined to… [He passes out as the machines start beeping.]

Thirteen: He’s in V-tach and no pulse. Grab the paddles!

Franni: Oh, God!

[Thirteen applies the gel and Taub does the defibrillation.]

Taub: Charging. Clear! Charging. Clear!

[Cut to the cafeteria. Cameron is sitting at a table.]

Chase: I’ve been looking for you.

Cameron: And… I’ve been thinking about you. Just hadn’t reached the looking stage yet.

Chase: Which is the problem. You asked for a day. I gave you two. You told me you had a secret you couldn’t share. I respected that. Now I don’t know what’s worse — bl*wing off our vacation to hang around House or continuing to blow it off when he won’t hang around you?

Cameron: If you think I’m the least bit interested in House —

Chase: I don’t know what I’m supposed to think.

Cameron: I know this looks bad. And —

Chase: I don’t care how it looks. I care what it is. And you’re not telling me what it is. I’m trying to trust you, but…

Cameron: I just… I need a little more time.

Chase: No.

Cameron: This… has nothing to do with House.

Chase: Yeah, well it has nothing to do with me, either. Not anymore. [they stare at each other] Let me know when I can come pick up my things.

[He walks out. She puts her head in her hands.]

[Cut to Doug’s room. Franni sits, worried.]

Taub: [voice over] Nothing on the echo. We drew a troponin level. No signs of myocardial ischemia. All the tests were normal.

[Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room.]

House: Loss of balance. Pathological hiccups. Air leak between the lungs. Broken femur. Now tachycardia. Go! [Silence] Come on, give me something. Give me a bad idea. Maybe I can turn it into a good one. [Silence] Fine. Open him up and put in a defibrillator.

Foreman: That’s permanent and risky. We don’t even know what, if anything, is wrong with his heart.

House: Redo all the tests. In the meantime, open him up, put in a defibrillator so he can live long enough for you to finish the tests. [The team leaves.]

[Cut to a vending machine. Wilson is putting money in it.]

House: Balance, organs, nerves, lungs, bones, heart.

Wilson: [Playing $25,000 Pyramid] Things you use to make bratwurst.

House: [sits on steps with a sigh] There’s no sign of infection. It’s not a metabolic or autoimmune disease. It’s definitely not cancer. I think.

Wilson: Definitely not cancer.

House: [indicating the vending machine] Aren’t you going to pick?

Wilson: I’m thinking. Is there a ticking clock?

House: You already put your money in. You never do that until you decide.

Wilson: That’s very observant of you. Too bad you distracted me. Now I’m… thinking I might change my mind.

House: There’s nothing healthy in that machine.

Wilson: No, there’s not. [He makes a selection.]

House: Gummi bears. You hate gummi bears.

Wilson: People can change.

House: No. And more importantly, I hate them.

Wilson: [smiling slightly] Oh, fine. Then I won’t offer you any.

House: You manipulative bitch. [Wilson’s smile gets much broader.] You’re not suddenly eating healthy because you want to. You’re eating healthy because you know I don’t want to. I’ve been mooching food for ten years. [He stands.] Now, either it suddenly started bothering you this week or you’re —

Wilson: Screwing with you. It needed to be done. After Amber died, I withdrew, tried to change everything, hoping I’d sort it out. Find some deeper truth. It was a mistake. I should have gone back to normal, to here and now, because that’s all we can every really count on. Things need to get back to normal in your life. And… what could be more normal than me screwing with you and you figuring it out?

House: [admiringly] You manipulative bitch.

[House walks off, leaving Wilson smiling. House stops and turns around. He walks quickly in the opposite direction.]

[Cut to Doug’s room.]

Taub: We need to put in a cardioverter-defibrillator. It’ll keep your heart beating while we keep looking.

Doug: What does that mean?

Taub: It means, even if we figure this out, you’ll have to stop protesting anywhere not near a hospital.

House: [entering] Hi! Got a few questions.

Taub: Uh, we’re about to start doing —

House: A hopefully pointless medical procedure. Your life and my mojo hang in the balance. Pesticides are evil, which means that commercial flowers are doused in evil. But plant life is nature’s answer to evil. So you have a garden.

Doug: No, we live in an apartment.

House: A window box, then.

Doug: No.

House: [grasping at a straw] Potted plants?

Franni: Nothing. The commercial growers —

House: Yeah, yeah. They’re evil. Yeah, got it.

Taub: House, I really don’t think we have time for this.

House: [to Taub] Your marriage sucks.

Taub: Thank you.

House: All marriages suck. [to Doug and Franni] Your marriage sucks.

Franni: No.

Doug: I love her.

House: He loves a tree in Oregon more than he loves you. But he can’t have sex with it. Unless it’s that slutty oak outside Portland.

Taub: You wanna get to your point?

House: She’s had enough. She’s gonna leave. Or maybe she’s jut not putting out. Whatever. You gotta make it right, right away. You gotta compromise that precious flower principle.

Franni: Never.

Doug: [long pause] Once. [to Franni] Three weeks ago. Our anniversary. I missed the dinner to be at that rally. You planned it for months. You were mad. Really mad. I bought you flowers. I brought them home. You were gone. So was your suitcase. I tossed them and bought you the earrings.

House: Roses? [Doug nods.] Yes. You have sporotrichosis. It’s an infection from the thorn of the rose which, by any other name, is still a cheap marital aid.

Doug: The flowers are what gave me —

House: Lesion on your eight cranial nerve knocks out your balance. Another on your phrenic nerve gives you serial hiccups. We then spread it to your bones and heart with steroids and insulin-like growth factor.

Franni: Please tell us that this is good news.

House: It’s good news for him. It’s good news for future generations. It’s crappy news for you. He’s gonna be fine. And he’ll never doubt himself again.

[House leaves. Doug looks at Franni who is looking at House and frowning.]

[Cut to the Clinic. Cameron is helping a young boy off the exam table.]

Cameron: There you go.

[As the boy and his mother reach the door, it opens. House enters.]

House: Damn. I was hoping I would interrupt something. [He closes the door on the patient and tosses a file on the exam table.] Your favor’s repaid. Patient’s cured. He’s already packing for another Earth Day extravaganza next week.

Cameron: He almost died. He can’t take a few days at home with his family?

House: People only change after trauma if they wanted to change before the trauma. Or if they’ve watched too many afterschool specials.

Cameron: You talking about Chase?

House: I’m talking about you. You lost husband number one. No surprise that the death of a colleague would make you question another long-term lease.

Cameron: You teaching commitment classes? ‘Cause I thought you were too busy with your lecture on —

House [fake laugh] I’m sure that was going to be hysterical. Let me just give you the Cliff Notes. Don’t try to dump him by dumping cases on me.

Cameron: I told you I never wanted to dump Chase.

House: Absolutely. You want him to dump you. It’s totally different. Much less guilt. Either way, you’re out of reasons to avoid him. Kutner was a pretty dumb one to begin with. [He leaves, closing the door behind him.]

[Cut to locker room. Chase is changing. Cameron enters.]

Cameron: I should never have postponed our vacation.

Chase: [continuing to button his shirt] I should never have planned it.

Cameron: [tearfully] I found the ring in your sock. [He’s listening] I didn’t want you to propose out of some sort of knee-jerk reaction to what happened to Kutner.

Chase: Well, I guess you don’t have to worry about that anymore.

Cameron: I’m not. I… I don’t care how it happens. I just want it to happen.

Chase: Are… Are you proposing to me?

Cameron: I’m... proposing that… you propose to me.

Chase: After I broke up with you. After you ruined my planned proposal, you expect me to —

Cameron: I’m not expecting. [pause] Hoping.

[Chase thinks and exhales loudly. He takes a step toward her then drops to one knee. Cameron laughs nervously. He smiles and takes her hand.]

Cameron (continues): Yes.

[As they hug, the closing montage begins. A bluesy piano version of Georgia on My Mind can be heard.]

[Cut to Franni at Doug’s bedside. She leans over and kisses him on the forehead. Then she turns and leaves him.]

[Cut to the cafeteria. House has a beverage in front of him. Wilson has a tray of food. They’re laughing together. House leans over and takes some fries from Wilson’s plate.]

[Cut to Cameron and Chase holding hands in Cuddy’s office. She leans back, smiling. She hugs Chase and then Cameron.]

[Cut to House’s apartment. He’s the one playing Georgia. He’s enjoying himself. He reaches over and picks up a harmonica with his right hand while his left continues on the piano. After several bars he looks up and freezes on an exhale which has the effect of drawing out the note on the harmonica. His hand inches down and he stops playing the piano.]

Amber: [who is leaning against the piano] Solved another case. Busted Wilson.

[House’s face has not moved a muscle. She leans over to whisper in his ear.]

Amber (continues): Looks like you’re not losing it after all.

[She moves out of frame. House remains, frozen.]

[The End]
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x21 - Saviors"}