Maggie: Good morning everybody.It's the second Saturday of the month and you know what that means.

Ben: You're gonna be cranky?

Ben: Oh, come on.

Carol: But I always have to clean the bathrooms, it's not fair.

Ben: Organize my panty drawer.

Maggie: No, that's mine.That's mine.

Ben: No, no.Your rules.

Maggie: No, give me that.

Ben: Dust and vacuum and b*at the...rugs.

Carol: Clean the bathroom.Mom, it's not fair.

Maggie: Oh, you're absolutely right, Carol.It's not fair.

Carol: So I can pick again?

Maggie: No.

Chrissy: My turn, my turn.Play with your Barbie dolls.

Carol: Wait a second.She can't read!

Chrissy: Oh, yeah.

Maggie: Here, let me see what that says.It says, paint the garage.

Chrissy: Paint the garage.Alright!

Maggie: No, no, no, no.This is for your father.Why don't you just pick up your toys and keep an eye on Ben and Carol.

Chrissy: Come on you wussies!Let's get to work!It's not your time to play!

Maggie: Oh, Jason, you're just in time.

Jason: No, actually I'm late.Have you seen Mike?

Jason: Pick up my toys.OK.

Maggie: No, no, no, no!Jason, stop that.It's chore day, it was your idea, remember?

Jason: Oh, is that today?Oh, I can't honey, I've got to go to the clinic.

Maggie: But Jason, you've been working every weekend lately.

Jason: Yeah, but today we're having a special workshop on families that don't communicate.

Mike: Hey, I'm glad you guys are finally cleaning this place up.It was really starting to look like a dump.Look here, you've got some cereal on the floor.

Maggie: Don't get too comfy, Mike, you're gonna help your dad paint the garage today.

Mike: What, again?Mom, I just did that ten years ago.

Jason: He can't!

Mike: Yeah, yeah, I can't!

Maggie: Why not?

Jason: Because as a favour to me, he's volunteered to come down to the clinic today, Maggie.

Mike: Yeah Maggie, I'm going down to the...The where?

Jason: To where I've been going every Saturday for four months.

Mike: Oh, Dad, I don't want to get a hair cut.

Jason: No, the clinic, where I volunteer.

Mike: Oh, yeah, yeah!Go ahead, we'll do some sh*ts and stuff.

Chrissy: Mom, are vacuum cleaners supposed to throw sparks?

Maggie: Ben, be careful with my Suckmaster!

Mike: Dad, come on, let's go to a movie before Mom gets back!

Jason: No, we're going to the clinic, Mike.

Mike: Ah, come on, Dad.I thought we just had a tender father-son moment here, where you helping me get one past Mom.

Jason: Hey, you've know about this for a long time.You gotta write these things down.

Mike: What?Write it down!Wh...who am I, you?

Jason: OK, fine, fine.Don't do me this favour.You just stay around the house, lounging on a relaxing Saturday, thinking of nobody but yourself.

Mike: Alright!Now you're talking.Dad.

Mike: Hey, this is not the kind of neighbourhood you wanna run out of gas in.

Jason: We're not out of gas, Mike, we're here.

Mike: We're where?

Jason: At the clinic.

Mike: Oh, man, if I had a free clinic, I certainly wouldn't put it in a crumby neighbourhood.

Jason: Oh, so you'd pick rich neighbourhood to put in a free clinic?Hey, hey, hey!Does this car look like it needs a hood ornament?

TC: You talking to me?

Jason: I just payed four Bucks to have this thing waxed.

Mike: Oh man, I hope he's got first-aid.

TC: What's a white guy like you doing in a neighbourhood like this?

Jason: I'm a white guy!

TC: Most definitely.

Jason: Hey!

Mike: You know this guy!

Jason: You kidding.Everybody in a thirty block radius knows TC.

TC: Forty blocks.I had a busy week.

Jason: This is my son, Mike.

Mike: Oh...hi.How do you two know each other?

TC: Your pop's my crisis councilor.

Jason: Mmm.How's it going, anyway?

TC: Three weeks without...I'm doing OK.

Jason: Alright!Yeah!Well I'm gonna see you next Saturday.

TC: Yeah, well I wrote it down like you told me.

Jason: Yeah.

TC: Hey!The man just paid four Bucks to have it waxed.

Mike: So, what exactly goes on in here, Dad?

Jason: I've told you about this place, Mike.This is a free clinic where I volunteer along with a lot of other doctors...Hello ...to help out in the community.You do listen to me, don't you?

Mike: Huh?

Patient: Does anybody here speak Spanish?

Mike: Err...no, but I've been to Spain.Dr.

Bates: Che Passa?

Jason: Mike, come on.My session's down here.

Mike: Hey Dad, you know they got real doctors here too.

Jason: Who do you think I am?

Mike: I don't know.

Jason: Come on.We're gonna miss our workshop.

Mike: Dad, what are we gonna do in there?

Jason: Well all of the clinic therapists are experimenting with some intra-family communication techniques.

Mike: Oh...they're not gonna hook up some electrical to my head, are they?

Therapist: Oh, Jason, you're here!Good.Excuse me.Doctors, would you take your seats, please.I see each of you has brought a practice partner, very well.I sincerely hope that today's workshop will provide all of you with valuable exercises for counseling dysfunctional child-parent relationships.Thank you.

Jason: Hey, come on!Sit down.

Boy: Mom always too busy, and you know...you know I really think that she drove away my father.

Therapist: Very good, Hank.Doctor Miller, your turn.Remember, speak to Hank as his mother; forget you're a therapist.Dr.

Jason: Pie chart.

Mike: Nice.

Boy: Now look, that's not how it is at home, at all!!Dr.

Miller: Hank, don't kid yourself!Alright you're grounded!I'm not just...

Therapist: Alright, you can stop now.Dr.

Miller: Thank you.Everyone, you've just seen classic example of a reactive response taking over.Doctor Miller.Hank.You can go back to your seats now.Well now, who wants to go next?Oh, we have a volunteer.

Jason: No, come on, hey, we'll go Mike.

Mike: Oh, err...no, no, really err...somebody else can go next, I'm really learning a lot here.I think it will be a lot wackier if I went last.

Therapist: Well if it would make you more comfortable, I could assign your personality traits, other than your own, and you could act those out.

Mike: Huh?

Jason: Yeah, when we're talking we'll be pretending to be other people.

Therapist: Exactly.So, for the next few minutes, Doctor Seaver, why don't you adopt the persona of a father who's say...err...overly precise, thinks he's right about everything, worships order for its own sake.You know the type?

Jason: I've some idea.

Mike: Some idea!

Therapist: And Mike, let's say you're a little immature for your age...err...kind of the self-centered sort with an arrested adolescence and err...interested only in the frivolous.

Mike: Well being the professional actor that I am, I think I can stretch that far.

Jason: Professional actor!Ha!Ha!

Therapist: Alright, so I want you to get into these assigned personas and just...say what you feel.

Mike: Dad, Dad what are you doing?

Jason: Hmm.I think Dr.likes to explain to a layman.

Therapist: What are you doing?

Jason: I'm getting ready.I'm ready.

Therapist: Mike, how do you feel?

Mike: Pretty embarrassed.

Jason: Come on, you've got to come up with some conflict.You can do that.He always does that.

Mike: Errm...Dad, I'm just not used to this kind of relating, it's hard for me to understand.

Jason: Just, come on, give it a try.

Mike: OK.Dad, I'm just not like you, I just can't drink milk afar the expiration date just because it smells OK.

Jason: OK, very funny.Thank you, very funny.

Mike: Dad, Dad, I...I can't carry around an extra pair of odor eaters just in case.

Jason: Now let's be serious, be serious.

Mike: Gosh, darn it, the heck anyway Dad!I just can't pay a guy for a haircut who's just as good as a licensed barber just because he's a few Dollars cheaper.

Jason: Mike, cut it off.

Mike: No, no, Dad, this isn't Mike talking; this is this character I'm playing.I'd never talk to you like that.Oh, yeah, this is some serious shrink exercises we're doing here.

Jason: I know what we're doing here Mike, I know.

Mike: Oh, gosh, I just wish I'd have some out of date milk here 'cause I'd toast to you right now, Dad.

Jason: Now that's very nice.My son, you'll have to excuse him, he has these fantasies about being an actor sometimes.

Mike: Dad, Dad, come on, I am an actor.

Jason: Yeah, and these are the little plays that go on in his head, you see.

Mike: Little plays!

Jason: Oh, I'm sorry am I not taking your calling seriously enough?

Mike: No Dad, you're not.

Jason: Much like you don't take my calling seriously.

Mike: Oh, so what it would make you happy if I went along with these little party games while you guys nod and stroke your goatees!

Jason: Well I'd be just as happy as you would be if I didn't roll my eyes every time you used the word "actor".

Mike: Oh...oh, so I get it, so you therapists, this is what you do every week!You come in you b*at up on each other's kids for fun.Nice.

Boy: Now, how come when I said that I got h*t?

Mike: Yes I do, Dad!And to tell you the truth, I think this whole thing is a crock!

Jason: A cro...

Mike: Yes!

Jason: A crock!

Mike: Yes!I think it's a crock, Dad!I mean, is how's your getting on my case gonna help these people at all?

Jason: Well I hardly think that a seminar on "the family conflict" is the right place for you and I to have a fight.

Therapist: Just to be clear, this is not a seminar on conflict, it's a seminar on communication!

Jason: Oh, shut up!Oh, I'm...sorry, I'm sorry, I'm upset that my son's got me...

Mike: Oh, fine; you yell at me and I get blamed for it!Great!I'm just glad I wasn't around for world w*r two, I would have been blamed for the Alamo!

Jason: So, I...I apologise for my son's irrational display.

Therapist: Don't be so modest; yours was pretty good too.

Chrissy: Carol!Carol!Carol!

Carol: What?

Chrissy: Mom wants to know if you're really cleaning the bathrooms, or just goldbricking.

Carol: Yes I am.It took me two hours to discover we have tile in there.

Ben: I'll be thinking about you.

Carol: It's not fair.I mean, where is it written that I have to scrub toilets and Mike has to go out and have fun with Dad?

Jason: Mike!What are you doing out here?Get off that car!

Mike: Oh, fine, yell at me, but when that other kid sat on the car, you didn't yell at him!

Jason: I did too.

Mike: Oh, yeah, yeah...you laughed, you bumped fists and you looked silly.

Jason: Well it took me a month to get that fist bumping thing down anyway.What was the point of that in there, Mike?I mean do you really have such contempt for my work?And so little respect for my calling and for me?Well...

Mike: Look Dad, it would be better if we didn't talk, alright?

Therapist: Break's over!It's time to come in and communicate.

Therapist: Alright, let's have the Seavers start right in where we left off.Mike and Jason: No!Dr.

Millard: You want real problems, talk to my ex-husband's son.

Therapist: We're going to continue with the Seavers because in the confines of this workshop, we should stick to those situations that offer some semblance of hope.

Mike: Look, the only reason I came back in here, was because I thought I didn't have to talk anymore.

Therapist: Now, I've got an idea that can turn this tension into, what I'd like to call, a lubricant.

Mike: Oh, why don't you just hook up something electrical to my head?!

Jason: I know what role reversal is.Thank you, I am a psychiatrist.Does everybody here understand that?

Therapist: I know, Doctor Seaver.You're the father.You're the son.Go for it!

Jason: Well, I'm glad to see you're finally cleaning up around the house.Look, there's some cereal on the floor.

Mike: Dad, that was an accident.

Jason: I'm not Dad, I'm Mike.

Mike: Alright.Well, you know, son, you promised me you'd go down to the old clinic with me, you know you should write these things down.

Jason: What, and be like dumb old you?

Mike: Boy, I've had enough of this attitude.You know the least you could do, is to go back in there and cooperate and stop embarrassing me in front of my colleagues.

Jason: Alright, enough.I never should have brought you down here, Mike.I should have known that you wouldn't take this any more seriously than you take the rest of your life.

Mike: Oh, no, no, no.You can't leave, you'll ruin my pie chart.

Mike: In your pant's pocket.

Jason: I said, not another word.Why didn't you just spit on me in there, Mike?Huh?Huh?Oh, you're not gonna say anything!

Mike: You said, not another word.

Mike: Dad, you didn't make me feel so hot in there.I mean, calling all of my plays, little!You making fun of my dream to become an actor!

Jason: Oh, is that what you think; I'm making fun of your dream?

Mike: Yes, you are!

Jason: I don't know how you cannot understand me better than that, Mike.I don't know how we can be so different.

Floyd: Hey, I'm trying to sleep in here.

Jason: Lloyd!

Lloyd: Hi ya, Doc.

Jason: What are you doing here, Lloyd?

Lloyd: We got a session, don't we?

Jason: That's next Saturday, Lloyd!

Lloyd: Oh, so I'm early; good.

Jason: Oh, come on, there's a real comfortable sofa just down the hall in the doctor's lounge, OK?

Lloyd: Oh, much obliged.

Jason: I thought you weren't drinking anymore.

Lloyd: I'm not!

Jason: What's that in your hand?

Lloyd: It's an empty.I have a certain reputation to uphold.

Mike: Hey, Dad, what would you do if you saw me curled up inside this desk?

Jason: I'd be thrilled to see you that close to a place where work happens.

Mike: Oh, see!See!See, that's exactly what's wrong with you.You even treat your patients better than you treat me.

Jason: Oh, what?

Mike: It's true.I mean, like this guy, Lloyd, and the kid outside.I mean, whatever they do, it's fine.But heck, I mean, if I...if I come in and I steal a couple of cheese puffs, you're...you're...you're...you count 'em up and you add 'em onto my rent!

Jason: I did that once, Mike.And the only reason I did that was to teach you something for the rest of your life!

Mike: How can you help me with the rest of my life, Dad, when we are so completely different?We're totally different!I mean, you say yes, I say no.You say paper, I say plastic.

Jason: I like plastic, Mike!I just don't think it's environmentally responsible.

Mike: Dad, you're just trying to turn me into another little you.

Jason: Oh, I am not.

Mike: Yes, admit it!Admit it!It's your secret sick little plan.

Jason: It is not.

Mike: Yes it is.OK.OK.Then whose idea was it for me to start putting my clothes away in alphabetical order?Huh?

Jason: Well then, let me tell you this, Mike; have you ever seen me repeat clothing two days in a row?

Mike: Yeah, it took me weeks to figure out where I had to put my BVD'S.

Jason: That's why it's called underwear, Mike.It's underwear!It's under U!Underwear!

Mike: Face it, face it Dad!Let's just face it; you have to be perfect.I mean everything you do!I mean even the way you act, the way you dress, I mean, even your hair!Everything!

Mike: Dad, you can't last ten seconds without reaching for your comb.

Jason: I don't see what sitting here with messy hair has to do with anything we're trying to prove here, Mike.

Mike: Ha!I knew it, I knew it!

Jason: You know what, a little discipline like this just might change your whole outlook on this, Mike.

Mike: Yeah, I know, Dad, and it frightens me!

Jason: Well, there's just nothing wrong with being a little practical, Mike.I mean, then at least you have something to fall back on.(Mike finishes the sentence with Jason.) Mike, I never said you had to give up acting all together.I just said, I want you to be realistic.

Mike: But if you have something to fall back on, you might as well fall back.I mean, what's the use?It's like getting ready to give up.

Jason: No, it's not giving up, Mike, it's just sound advice.

Mike: Well, how do you know, Dad?You never felt what I feel.

Jason: You're wrong Mike.I do.I know because there was a time, a long time ago when I made a mistake, and my dad straightened me out.

Mike: Oh, was that when you were gonna grow those little sideburns out to look like Elvis?

Jason: Well, I grew them for a reason Mike.I grew them because I too had a crazy fantasy.I thought I was gonna become a rock star one day, and I thank God, my dad helped straighten me out.

Mike: Yeah, well how could Grandpa be so sure that one day you wouldn't become a famous rock star like...err...

Jason: Neil Diamond.

Mike: Who?

Mike: Oh, yeah, Neil Diamond.

Jason: Neil Diamond.

Lloyd: Now do, "Crackin' Rosie"!

Jason: Crackin....Oh, Lloyd, get out!Go on!For your information Mike, the state of Delaware did not agree with Grandpa; me and my band won the talent contest at the Delaware state fair one year.

Mike: Oh wow...I bet you liked waving that in Grandpa's face.

Mike: And you chose medical school.

Mike: Who?

Jason: Dick Clarke."Foul-ups, Bloopers and Blunders."

Mike: Wow, you met him!

Jason: He was a lot older then.So, with my dad saying, don't you come back, the whole band drove to Philadelphia.We drove all night, stayed in the most expensive hotel in town...that's how sure we were.

Mike: Yeah, and what happened?

Jason: Well, let's just say, we ended up skipping out of the bill.I had no choice but to go back and tell my dad what happened and you know what he said?

Mike: What?

Jason: I told you so.

Mike: What?That was the best he could do.

Jason: Well, you don't understand.I mean, what he was really saying...he could have made a big tragedy out of it.But he knew at the time that the best thing for me was to have my heart broken.

Mike: Oh, no but, Dad, you're nuts!He could have at least said something like, sorry it didn't work out son, or hey you gave it your best sh*t, or I love you, or something.

Jason: Yeah, or he could have put his hand on my shoulder.

Mike: Yeah, or he could have said tha...tha...that you...you're band could play at weekends.

Jason: Could have said, hey, you know, Dick Clarke you're a jerk!

Mike: Yeah!That's my point.I mean, what made him...

Jason: What made him think that what I wanted didn't matter!

Mike: Yeah!Exactly.

Jason: Yeah.

Mike: Maybe you were like me.

Jason: I was.

Mike and Jason: I don't believe this.

Mike: Wait a minute...this means that someday I may turn into you.Dad, does it happen all at once?

Jason: Hey, Mike, I'm sorry that I put you down about that acting nonsense.

Mike: Nonsense!

Jason: I mean, thing...the acting thing.

Mike: Thing!

Jason: I mean...your dream.I've learned a lot today.

Mike: Yeah, me to.I mean, I better go and screw around while I got a chance, I mean...the end is coming.

Jason: You know, it's not all bad to be just a little bit practical and responsible too.

Mike: Dad, when the change comes, does it hurt?I'm sorry Dad, it's just that the whole thing is a bit of a shock to me.

Jason: How do you think I feel?I found out that the person that frustrates me most in the entire world is just like me.

Mike: Oh, yeah, so kind of sorry you came to this workshop thing too?

Jason: No.

Mike: I don't get you, Dad.Wait a minute, I do understand.Oh, no, it's happening, it's happening and it does hurt.
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "06x15 - Like Father, Like Son"}