[Episode opens on a rainy night. Inside an old house, Margaret is curled up on the couch watching a horror/thriller. There are typical spooky music and creaking stairs kind of sounds.]

[Margaret hears a loud creak coming from another room and turns off the TV. Looks around to determine the source of the noise and hears a door shut. She gets up to investigate.]

Margaret: Billy? Is anyone here?

[Hearing nothing further from inside the house, Margaret looks out the open door into the rain. Thunder claps as she looks suspiciously at the street in front of her.]

Margaret: Billy?

[Seeing nothing Margaret re-enters the house and shuts the door behind her. She picks up her phone, which makes a ringing sound as she speed dials a number.]

Billy: Hey.

Margaret: Hey. I just noticed the front door was open.

Billy: Maybe you left it that way?

Margaret: I don't know. I thought I heard something. I know the whole house creaks, but I was just —

Billy: If you have any doubts, go to the Cassano's. I'm in the car. I'm a few blocks away.

Margaret: No, I'm sure it's nothing. Love you.

[Margaret hangs up the phone. Suddenly she hears more noises coming from the upstairs of the home. She grabs some sort of trophy from the table and, holding it upside down, like a w*apon, she climbs the stairs (Rule #1 of horror movies, never go up the stairs) to determine the source of the sounds. She opens a door at the end of the hallway to discover an open window where a horizontal blind is slapping back and forth against the window. Finding nothing further she heads back towards the downstairs when another loud door slams. Margaret runs frantically down the stairs, armed with her trusty trophy. She grabs a sweatshirt from the table, turns to run out and crashes into a scruffy looking man in a hoodie. He pulls his hood back and Margaret sighs in obvious relief.]

Margaret: Oh! Uh, the–the door banged shut. I'm sure it was just the wind. Oh, God.

Billy: It's okay. It's okay, it's just me.

[Margaret collapses to the floor and begins vomiting.]

Billy: You all right? [Margaret moans in agony.] Margaret… hey… Margaret! You okay?

[Margaret vomits again.]

Margaret: Oh–oh, my stomach! Oh…

[Opening credits roll]

[Scene opens with House waking up in bed naked though sadly covered from the waist down. My imagination works great so in my head he's completely naked, but I digress. House looks over at the other side of the bed and strokes the empty pillow and sheets, smiles and sprawls across the width of the bed.]

[The scene moves to Princeton Plainsboro where House is arriving to work. He walks past the glass in the diagnostics office and spots a cute blond doctor sitting in the formerly vacant seat. House steps into the office and…]

House to Chase: I get it. You're jealous of my new cane, so you hired a new doctor that you could lean on.

Chase: Exactly. Nothing to do with the fact that you instructed me to hire one. Dr. House, this is Dr. Kelly Benedict, your new fellow.

[She stands and offers her hand, which he ignores.]

Kelly: Nice to meet you. Um, I just finished my psychiatry residency at St. Jude's. And I loved studying the mind, but I thought I could make more of a difference, or at least —

House with a bemused grin: Man, you're hot. I mean, seriously.

Foreman interrupting: 30-year-old female — [waves blue file folder at House]

House: I know what you're thinking. She looks like Cameron, and he's hired her solely to sleep with her.

Taub: No, none of us were thinking that.

House: Well, you should have. But you'd be foolishly wrong. Yes, he's been dating at a near-Clooney pace recently, but at this point, the only hole he's trying to fill is the one in his soul, which means it's the emotional connection with Cameron that he misses. Did you ever marry a dying man? And if so, did you freeze his sperm?

Kelly: Okay, so Cameron's his ex. But sperm… [confusion crosses her face]

Chase: She's not like Cameron.

House: Then why'd you make her wear Cameron's clothes?

Kelly: [looks at her wardrobe and frowns] No, I'm wearing my own clothes.

Foreman: 30-year-old female. Severe vomiting and abdominal pain preceded by three days of moderate pain. Slightly elevated LFTs.

Taub: Could be lead poi —

House: Uh, uh, uh! If I know Dr. Shameron — and I think I do — she'll want this chance for a little stuff-strutting.

[House sits on a chair and props his leg up. Chase gives him the patient file which he closes and puts on the table. He looks expectantly at Kelly with a smile on his face.]

Kelly [with confidence]: Okay, hepatitis "A."

Foreman: Serologies are negative.

Kelly: Right… [with slightly less confidence] Appendicitis —

Foreman: That hasn't ruptured by now? It's hepatic fibrosis.

Taub: At the risk of having Foreman snark at me too, lead poisoning could also work.

House: Liver angiogram to check for fibrosis. Search the home for heavy metals. [to Kelly] What's your position on the legality of illegal break-ins?

Chase: That's more of a second week type activity. We'll do the angiogram. I'll meet you in radiology, third floor.

[Kelly looking a little crushed leaves the room. House twists in his chair to ogle her as she leaves.]

Chase: She was nervous. Give her a break. Oh… And she's not like Cameron.

House: True. Cameron had much smaller breasts. By which I mean she was smarter.

[Scene changes to House and Wilson in a Motorcycle shop. House is presumably looking to replace his old bike and begins the appraisal of the various hogs and choppers the store has to offer. (In this humble person's opinion, none of them were that great). “Ride Free” by Jonny Kaplan and the Lazy Stars plays.]

Wilson: How are things going with Cuddy?

House: Great. We've gotten to fifth base. That's two home runs, and then she gives me back a triple.

Wilson indicating a truly horrendous red white and blue chopper with apehangers: I could see you on this one.

House: Am I wearing a dashiki? [Wilson chuckles] Easy Rider auditions ended four decades ago.

Wilson: Are you sleeping over there yet?

House: Nope. She comes over, we hook up, she leaves.

Wilson: Whose idea was that?

House: Mine. But I let her think it's hers. That's the fun of a relationship. You get the sex, the dinners… video game partnership. I also get a full-night's sleep.

Wilson: Okay, taking it slow. That could work. You are spending time with the kid?

House: As little as possible. That is one boring child.

Wilson: House, she's a toddler.

House: I know. I'm grading on a curve. It's that bad.

Wilson: Oh, you think you were the scintillating wit at two and a half?

House: I wasn't trying to eat shoes. Cuddy could have adopted a golden retriever.

Wilson: Oh, yeah, things are definitely going great.

House: We'll get to it when we get to it. [House walks away and looks at a couple of bikes.]

Wilson: You really like these, or are you just avoiding a touchy conversation?

House: Nah. [pointing with his cane] This one's too metrosexual. This one's too heterosexual.

Wilson: They're identical! Do you even want my input?

House: No.

Wilson: Then why did you invite me?

House: Who'd drive my car home if I buy a bike?

[Scene moves forward to Chase and Kelly in a procedure room with Margaret. Blue scrubs, lights, masks, the usual.]

Chase: You did fine. House is just trying to get at me. And he's wrong, by the way. I hired you because you're the most qualified applicant. Injecting dye.

Kelly: Dr. Foreman didn't seem to like me either.

Chase: Oh, well, he takes a little while to warm up. In my case, I'm hoping year seven does the trick. Tapering cutoff in the left branch of the hepatic artery.

Chase squinting at an anomaly on the screen: Tumor?

Kelly: Looks more like scar tissue. From what, surgery?

Chase: Probably. Look at her rib cage.

Kelly: She broke, what, five or six bones at some point? She didn't tell us about this?

Chase: No, she didn't.

[Scene switches to Foreman and Taub in Margaret and Billy's home as they investigate for lead poisoning candidates.]

Foreman: I checked the pipes and the paint. It's not lead poisoning. You got anything?

Taub: Yeah… I was looking around in the corner over there. I found a question about why you have a problem with our new doctor.

Foreman: Sorry, we should all be super-polite in the DDXs, fail to correct each other, and then treat patients for diseases they don't have.

Taub: Dude, is this about Thirteen?

Foreman: [Scoffs] No. Why are you calling me "dude"?

Taub: Maybe it's hard seeing House replace her when you've still got feelings.

Foreman: One, I don't have feelings for Thirteen beyond friendship. Two, it's a temporary replacement. And three, dude?

Taub: It felt right. [shrugs]

Foreman: The day the patient collapsed, she say where she was working?

Taub: Cleaning job in Summit, then she went straight home.

Foreman: Then why's she got a credit card receipt for lunch from a cafe in Trenton?

[Scene swaps back to the hospital room.]

Margaret: I'm not hiding anything. I just got the days wrong. I worked in Trenton on Tuesday. I worked in Summit on Monday. I guess it slipped my mind.

Billy: And breaking eight ribs? That slip your mind too?

Margaret: You know how I was on the cycling team when I was at U Mass? Well, during training, I fell off my bike… right onto a sprinkler head.

Foreman: Why didn't you tell us?

Margaret: It was ten years ago. I didn't think it could be related to my stomach problems.

Chase: We're going to need to see the records from the operation.

Margaret: You think it is related?

Chase: The strange stuff we found in your liver, it's probably hepatic fibrosis, but it could also just be a screw-up from the old surgery.

Margaret: The operation was done at the University Hospital. Hopefully they still have the records.

[The next scene opens in House's bedroom. Cuddy is collecting her stuff and getting dressed.]

House: Come back. Just one more time. You'll love it.

Cuddy: My wrists are tired.

House: [He’s in bed, playing a video game and not looking at her.] I can't defeat the new Decimator 98 all alone. Come on, we're a team.

Cuddy: You understand, right? The babysitter's leaving in half an hour.

[Video game alarm sounding]

House: Oops, you're right. Scram. I've got a massage coming by in five.

Cuddy: It was at that moment she realized the romance was already gone.

[Cuddy goes to kiss House as he continues to play the video game from Epic Fail without pause.]

House: Head sh*t!

[In the living room, Cuddy goes to the door and finds an attractive and leggy blonde woman standing at the door. She’s wearing a skimpy white t*nk top and a matching skirt that is held up by prayer. She has a folding massage table in a bag slung over her shoulder.]

Cuddy: Oh… Hi.

Therapist: Hi

[Back at the hospital]

Kelly: I called U Mass. There's no record of any surgery for Margaret.

Foreman: You use her maiden name?

Chase: No. Kelly knows nothing about the concept of married names. It wasn't covered in her psychiatry residency.

Kelly: Margaret was never even registered at the university.

Foreman: Call the other hospitals in the area.

Kelly: Done. Nothing. So I ran her social security number through one of those websites. Her number matches her name, but she's got no credit history until three years ago. And based on her number, she was born around 1945. She stole someone's identity.

[Pagers beeping]

[The team rushes to Margaret's room]

[Monitor alarm beeping]

Taub: Supraventricular tachycardia. 150 bpm.

Chase: Carotid massage?

Taub: Not responding.

Foreman: Get the Adenocine.

Taub: We've tried already.

Taub: Get the pacemaker. We can overdrive her.

[Later on House joins the group. He looms over Margaret as she regains consciousness.]

House: Dorothy. Dorothy. Dorothy, dear… It's Aunt Em, darling.

Margaret: What's-what's wrong with me?

House: Well, on the one hand, you've got some mysterious heart and tummy problems. On the other, you look great for a 65-year-old. So who are you? And, no, that's not some weird Canadian pronunciation of "how."

Billy: They're saying you changed your identity. What are they talking about, Margaret?

Margaret: I don't know.

House: Well, that falls in the obviously stupid lie category, which you're familiar with from the one you told us about your bike accident. You thought we'd never check?

Margaret: Five years ago… I was married.

Billy: Who was he?

Margaret: Just a guy. I met him in high school. He was older. He… used to get jealous… do drugs.

Foreman: Those broken bones?

Margaret: He… he would tell me to take off all my clothes so he could inspect me. Then he would h*t me. I got a restraining order, ran away, but he found me anyway. That's when he broke my ribs. So I moved away again to Arizona. Came back from work one day… He'd broken in, fed pesticides to my dog… k*lled her. I bought a d*ad woman's identity, changed my name, moved here.

Foreman: Is this related to why you were in Trenton yesterday?

Margaret: There's a support group for abused women at Trenton General. I go a lot.

Billy: What's his name?

Margaret: Please, don't do this. I don't —

Billy: Just-just tell me.

Margaret: Carl.

Billy: Carl what?

Margaret: This is why I didn't tell you. 'Cause you go confront him, he'll k*ll you.

House: Well, I've got another name you can tell us instead. Yours.

Margaret: It's Jenny.

[Back in the office…]

House: Now, some person seemed to think that I was not being fair to you in our last DDX because I made you nervous. So this time, I'm gonna put you at ease. It's just you and old doc House. A couple of pals chittin' the chat.

[He’s pulled two visitor chairs into the middle of the room, facing each other. He slaps the seats of one with a handkerchief a couple of times as if he’s being a gentleman and dusting it off for her.]

Chase: Why not just place a chair above a trap door with a shark t*nk underneath?

House: Wednesday is when I get my shark t*nk cleaned. Also because… I'm giving her a chance.

Chase: You're giving her a test.

House: This whole job is a test. I'm giving her the chance to fail it sooner rather than later. Or pass. Arrhythmia and elevated LFTs rule out hepatic fibrosis. So heart and stomach.

Kelly: Gastritis.

House: Explains the stomach, not the heart.

Kelly: Atrial fibrillation?

House: Explains the heart, not the stomach.

Kelly: Sorry, sorry. Cystitis.

House: Explains the… nothing.

Kelly: I meant cholecystitis.

Foreman: It would have showed up on the physical examine. Do we have to sit here all day

Chase: You got a better answer than she does, then let's hear it.

House: I'm sure she's already starting to think how, if we put the symptoms together with the abusive ex, the fact that she'd just eaten, the open door… [she look blank] Rhymes with moison…

Kelly: You think her ex-husband tried to poison her? Even if he found her somehow, these abusers have a pattern. He b*at her with his hands. Poison's too impersonal. It doesn't fit.

House: Exactly. The counterargument is woof!

Taub: Her ex poisoned her dog.

Kelly: Oh… right.

Foreman: She said he used pesticides. He could have stuck some in her dinner.

House: Treat with pralidoxime. [He leans over to look at Chase.] "A" for effort?

[Foreman and Chase head to the elevator to begin treatment.]

Foreman: House was wrong trying to come up with a complicated reason you hired Kelly.

Chase: Thank you.

Foreman: It's actually quite simple. You think she's hot. You want to sleep with her.

Chase: Well, it was nice to see you finally taking an interest in my life. We should go bowling sometime.

Foreman: I'm just saying if you spend all your off-work time and energy getting laid, it's gonna spill into your work as well.

Chase: She's smart. You didn't interview her.

Foreman: I did glance at her resume. Middling grades, middling med school.

Chase: She was Editor for Rutgers' daily undergrad newspaper. That shows a lot more guts and determination than med school grades.

Foreman: Uh-huh. How long did you interview her?

Chase: 45 minutes, at least.

Foreman: How much of that was after you decided to hire her? You saw what you wanted to see.

[The team enters the patient room]

Billy: This guy broke into our house?

Taub: That's the theory.

Margaret: I don't know. It could be true.

Billy: And you didn't tell me about him because you didn't trust me?

Margaret: I just didn't want you to get involved.

Billy: I'm already involved. We're married.

Margaret: It was the worst time in my life. I wanted to block it out. I'm sorry.

Billy: I gotta get out of here.

Margaret: Where are you going?

Billy: I don't know.

[Downstairs in the clinic]

Cuddy: Hey… so I'm seeing you tonight

House: Yes. And you would have even it you hadn't told me that.

Cuddy: I was just wondering, your masseuse…

House: Brandi.

Cuddy: I'm sure I'm imagining this, although I'm not as sure now that I know her name, but she seems a little… how do I say this? I don't know. Um, a bit slutty.

House: She is a hooker. If she's not slutty, she's doing something wrong.

Cuddy: What? Did you have sex with her?

House: Yesterday? Ah, you're getting confused by the hooker thing. No, of course not. I'm dating you.

Cuddy: But you used to have sex with her.

House: Well, it was a massage plus happy ending sort of thing. Now it's more of a sad ending. [overly cheerful] Because of you! [serious now] I've tried 15 different massage therapists over the last few years. I don't know why, but she's the best I've found. She makes my leg feel better.

Cuddy: So you really think that I would be okay with you getting a massage from a hooker you used to have sex with?

House: You don't mind the massage part, you mind the sex part, which doesn't exist anymore.

Cuddy: I know a great physical therapist. I will give you her number.

House: Why would I give up one who definitely works for one who might work?

Cuddy: Because I asked you to.

House: That's not really an argument, now, is it?

Cuddy: I won't see you until you stop seeing her.

[Cuddy leaves.]

House: Well, that's an argument.

[Chase enters the Diagnostics office. It’s dark and Kelly is at the table, reading.]

Kelly: How's our patient doing?

Chase: Well, she's s*ab, but it's too early to tell if the Pralidoxime is working. Come on, go home. You can't re-cram all of med school right now.

Kelly: I'm feeling a lot of pressure here.

Chase: You were the editor of your school paper. I think you know how to deal with pressure.

Kelly: No, I wasn't.

Chase: On your resume it said "Rutgers Daily Herald editor." Didn't it?

Kelly: I wasn't head of the paper. That's called editor in chief. I was just a writer. We're all called editors.

Chase: Ah.

Kelly: Did you hire me because of that?

Chase: Not entirely.

Kelly: Look, if you're having buyer's remorse…

Chase: Oh, no, uh, I'm not. You might want to check out volume two on infectious diseases. [Chase's pager goes off] Patient's husband just got admitted to the E.R.

[Over at Wilson's flat. Wilson is cooking when House enters, tosses his cane on the table and sits down.]

House: Let's say you had a really fantastic handyman…

Wilson: I was hoping you'd interrupt my cooking to ask about handymen. Do go on.

House: Would Sam ask you to stop using him because you might have had a sexual relationship with him in the past?

Wilson: Ah, yes, the age-old hooker massage conundrum. Cuddy might have mentioned something about it. Let's say you're right. Completely right about everything. Give in anyway.

House: This is not a point of pride. This is a point of principle.

Wilson: Right, you're the Rosa Parks of hooker massages.

House: The principle is she's being irrational. If I give in on this, it sets the stage for the whole relationship.

Wilson: Putting up with irrationality is the foundation for every relationship. I agree with Sam when she's calling her father a monster. I agree with her when she's calling him a saint. And in exchange, I get to have sex with her. And I'm sure she has similar tradeoffs with me. Relationships are hard. You have to make sacrifices. So sacrifice being crazy. Go get her a gift and apologize.

House: You finally made a good point.

Wilson: Which, clearly, you have misunderstood based on how quickly you agreed.

House: [leaving] The kitchen's burning.

Wilson: Oh… [He turns to save the food.]

[Chase and Kelly heading towards the E.R.]

Chase: We've got to get you thinking like House. The husband's in the E.R. if he's got similar symptoms, it could mean environmental.

Kelly: Which helps organophosphate theory. Or maybe it's an infection, which would mean we were wrong.

Chase: Exactly.

Kelly: Or maybe he just got sick with something else.

Chase: Coincidence?

Kelly: Yeah.

Chase: All right, here's one big piece of advice. House doesn't buy coincidences. [Chase pulls back the curtain to find Billy. His face is pummeled and bleeding] Okay, it's not environmental. What happened to you?

Billy: What's it look like?

Chase: Looks like someone kicked your ass. What happened?

Billy: I looked in her address book. There's a guy named Carl in Brooklyn.

Kelly: She told you to stay away from him.

Billy: I'm not so good at following direction sometimes. I found him, I got angry, which I also do sometimes. He said he didn't know what I was talking about. He wouldn't let me in. I got more pissed… Next thing I know, I'm on the floor and he's called the cops.

Chase: You get arrested?

Billy: No, he didn't press charges.

Kelly: Well, you should press charges. If he tried to poison her…

Billy: No, he really didn't know what I was talking about. He's just some guy that Margaret — damn it, that's not even her name — Jenny just — some guy that Jenny used to work with. I was stupid. I just assumed that the name Carl was… I just wanted to find the guy that poisoned my wife.

[Chase's phone rings]

Chase: What's up?

Foreman: Pyrexia. 103 and rising.

Chase: I'll be right up. Your wife just spiked a fever.

Billy: What's that mean?

Chase: She wasn't poisoned.

[The scene opens to Margaret's hospital room and then moves to the office where the team continues to try to diagnose the patient. House has set up a projector screen and dimmed the lights.]

Chase: What are you doing?

House: Just letting you all share in the joys of my last trip to Carlsbad Caverns. Which the husband probably would have beaten up if he'd found it in the address book. [to Kelly] Would you mind standing next to the screen?

Chase: Yeah, she'd love to become a target for your ridicule.

House: She isn’t already?

[Kelly gets up.]

Foreman: Endocarditis?

Kelly: Normal EKG. No osler nodes.

House: Right, Dr. Kelly!

Chase: Kelly's her first name.

House: What's your point, Dr. Robert?

Foreman: Run an echo.

Kelly: I already did. No vegetations. Valves are clear.

House: Snapilicious! But as I always like to say, it's better to be a helpful Helen than a negative Nelly. So while you're cooking up some ideas of your own, allow me to present theory 2.0 of why Chase hired you. Dr. Kelly, meet your doppelganger. [a picture of a diseased foot shows on the screen] Oh, no. Hold on a second.

Chase: Oh, come on. House!

Taub: Is that…? That's baby Chase and his mama! That's adorable!

House: Never mind the baby, peep the babe. Note the cheekbones and eye shape.

[House uses a laser pointer to circle them on both Mrs. Chase and on Kelly.]

Taub: They do actually look alike.

House: I know what you're thinking, Chase wants to sleep with his mom. But who wouldn't h*t that if that looked like that? It's a classic case of what Freud called—

Foreman: Stop. This isn't about Chase's mother.

Chase: You're wrong.

House: What do you mean he's wrong? It is about your mom?

Chase: No.

House: So it's about…

Kelly: I'm assuming he thought I'd be a good member of the team. And on that subject, what about Legionnaire's? Taub said he saw a rattly old air conditioner in the patient's house.

Foreman: I don't care if he saw her licking a petri dish of bacilli, there's no lung involvement.

Kelly: All we know is we don't see it. Dehydration from the fever could hide the pneumonia.

House: Okay, forget the mom theory. Go water the patient, treat for Legionnaire's.

Foreman: Hey, Taub. You didn't write up the AC system. Did you mention it to Kelly?

Taub: No.

Foreman: Did you mention it to Chase?

Taub: Yeah.

Foreman: Whose idea was Legionnaire's?

Kelly: Dr. Chase's.

House: Well, you get major points for trying to trick me. Unfortunately, you lose 'em all for failing. Hold that. Hold that. See, now you're frowning. You can really see the resemblance.

[The photo of Chase and his mom can be seen behind Kelly. She really does look like his mom.]

[Foreman and Chase head out of the office and stop in the stairwell]

Chase: So who gives a crap if I prepped her?

Foreman: Uh, House. And that's just off the top of my head.

Chase: Why are you doing this? You trying to make me look bad so you look better… or you don't like her, or you're angry at me? What?

Foreman: We hire someone unqualified, it's just d*ad weight we'll all be pulling. Me especially.

Chase: You especially why?

Foreman: What do you mean why? Because I'm —

Chase: You're what? You're my boss or something?

Foreman: Something like.

Chase: So that's what it is. You're angry that House gave me the chance to hire someone because you still think you're at a different level to everyone else. That's just pathetic.

Foreman: I am at a different level.

Chase: Which is reflected in what, exactly? Your title? No. Your salary? Not really. Your responsibilities? Hardly. Your attitude? Ah. I think we finally found it.

Foreman: It doesn't change the fact that you made a bad decision because you want to get laid.

Chase: Or the fact that you're courageously picking on Kelly because you're scared to take on House. Congratulations. You're a real leader.

[Chase leaves Foreman in the stairwell and the scene moves to Cuddy's office. She is typing at her computer as the door opens and a gorgeous man enters her office.]

Felipe: I am Felipe.

Cuddy: Oh, you've gotta be kidding.

Felipe: Dr. House was worried how you left things. He's giving you a massage.

Cuddy: As an admission he was wrong?

Felipe: Yes.

Cuddy: Well, tell him thanks, but I have a meeting with Dr. Katz in 20 minutes.

Felipe: He says you would say that, and to say no, you don't.

Cuddy: Well, tell him he needs to stop canceling my appointments, because I will just reschedule them.

Felipe: He says you would say that, and to say… uh… [he pulls a paper out of his pocket and reads] that "Dr. Schatz is a fat, lonely moron who, in an effort to have contact with human female, makes the same exact complaint about parking spaces every month. And you know you have to stop enabling him.” I have great fingers.

[Felipe's argument is irrefutable and soon Cuddy is stretched face down on the massage table, wearing a towel over her hips, being blissed into oblivion]

Cuddy: [sighs] That's so nice.

Felipe: Thank you.

Cuddy: How long have you been a masseur?

Felipe: What is that… "masseur"?

Cuddy: A massage therapist.

Felipe: Oh, no, not long.

Cuddy: How did my boyfriend find you?

Felipe: Boyfriend?

Cuddy: Dr. House.

Felipe: He is your boyfriend?

Cuddy: Why is that surprising?

Felipe: I just mean, if he found me, I do not think he's got no girlfriend.

Cuddy: Are you a prost*tute?

Felipe: Are you a cop? [whispers] Then no.

Cuddy: Get your hands off me.

[Outside the hospital Kelly engages in a bit of nic-fitting in an attempt to de-stress. Chase catches up with her.]

Chase: I didn't know you smoked.

Kelly: I don't. [She tosses the cigarette.] I don't mind screwing up. I've screwed up in my life, and I've gotten over it. But I'm not a cheater, and I'm not a liar. And now I feel like both.

Chase: You're right. I'm sorry. You work with House and you kind of get a messed-up perspective of what's permissible in the workplace.

Kelly: Maybe I should just quit.

Chase: No. You're smart. You're hard-working.

Kelly: Yeah, but I'm not like you guys.

Chase: Use what makes you different. A lot of this job is reading people, dealing with them. You're a psychiatrist… use your skills.

[Scene moves to the hospital room.]

Kelly to Billy: Are you okay?

Billy: I checked with Trenton General. There's no support group for abused women.

Kelly: Maybe it was just —

Billy: If she was lying about that, what else is she lying about? I mean, maybe she wasn't even abused. Maybe she's a criminal. Who the hell knows?

Kelly: You don't know. That's the point. The way she's acting, that's the way abuse victims act. Their personalities are affected by what they went through. They find coping mechanisms.

Billy: I gotta talk to her about this Trenton thing.

Kelly: If you wake her up, make her feel defensive, it'll go bad. She doesn't need any more hostility or aggression in her life.

Billy: Okay.

[The scene switches to Cuddy confronting House in his office.]

Cuddy: Seriously? A massage from a male hooker?

House: He was? Huh. That doesn't bother me at all. I guess we both learned a valuable lesson.

Cuddy: Except that I didn't used to have sex with him, you idiot! Plus, he was a gay hooker.

House: Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a straight male hooker? [She starts to leave. He follows her.] Oh, come on. It's a massage. I don't care who gives it to you. Why not treat me the same way?

Cuddy: I'm sure that some part of you believes this idiocy. But you can't possibly be stupid enough to think that you can convince any part of me. And that can only mean you're trying to sabotage this relationship.

House: Why would I do that? We're doing fine.

Cuddy: Because the next step from fine is serious, and you can't handle that, so you're trying to keep me at arm's length with all this crap.

House: How about you?

Cuddy: I have been completely open with you.

House: You won't let me sleep over. You basically haven't introduced me to your daughter.

Cuddy: But do you want to spend time with her?

House: Honestly… before this, I'd have said no. But… yeah. How are we ever gonna be a couple if you keep hiding her from me?

Cuddy: House… I need to protect her. I let you into her life, and you go away…

House: Call it what it is. I'm not the only one who's holding back.

[Cuddy looks forlorn as the scene swaps to Margaret's room.]

Billy: Hey, baby. I am not getting mad. I'm just trying to understand you here. There's no meeting like you talked about at Trenton General. You see, it turns out that —

Margaret: It turns out — the turnout— [Margaret begins completely tweaking out] The turnout… It's been turned…

Billy: What?

Margaret: It's turning—

Billy: Hey… hey.

Margaret: The turnout — the turnout is turning…

[She looks around. Snakes are slithering on the floor and rats are running on the walls. Billy is transformed into a demon and Margaret begins to panic]

Demon/Billy: You're going to burn.

[The table burst into flames. Kelly enters.]

Billy: What's happening to her?

[Scene opens with House waking up in bed naked. House looks over at the other side of the bed and strokes the empty pillow. He does not smile.]

[In Margaret’s room, she and Billy are talking, inaudibly. Scene switches to the Diagnostics office.]

House: It's h*t her brain, whatever it is.

Foreman: Opacity in the left temporal lobe.

Kelly: It could be nothing.

House: Which would get us nowhere. So let's assume it's something. What kind of something?

Taub: Abscess.

Chase: Or Lymphoma or Wegeners. We'd have to biopsy it to be sure. Any of them could explain all of the symptoms.

Kelly: You know, we're assuming everything is connected.

Chase: Because it probably is.

Kelly: But her delusions are consistent with mental illness. Bipolar disease, for example. She's 30. It could he hitting her right now for the first time.

House: So her mind just happens to fall apart right after her body? Wow, I thought I was having a bad week.

Kelly: I know it sounds coincidental…

House: You know what, I'm back to the Cameron theory. That you hired the dumb version of Cameron so that you could f*re her and get revenge.

Foreman: Give her a break.

House: Oh, you've switched sides? Let me guess, Chase represents the dumb version of Thirteen…

Foreman: I realized if we all just keep pressuring Kelly, of course she's gonna get stuff wrong. It's irresponsible of me to let that happen.

House: You are a true leader of men. Get someone to cut into her head and get me a biopsy.

[Chase and Taub are in the operating room to begin the biopsy on Margaret. Chase has just g*n drilling into her head. Taub looks at a monitor and grabs Chase's arm.]

Taub: Chase…

Chase: Just say "hold on" next time!

Taub: Her temperature's normal.

Chase: So what. She was on the cooling blanket.

Taub: We took her off an hour ago. She should be febrile again.

Chase: Tell House one of the patient's symptoms just disappeared.

[In the office the diagnosis process begins yet again.]

Taub: Could it be Legionnaire's and our treatment worked?

Kelly: I wish, but no. We've been hydrating her, and there's still no lung involvement.

Chase: So relapsing, remitting fever.

Taub: Malaria. Dengue.

House: Why wasn't she frozen? This morning? Put a healthy person on a cooling blanket, they'd be chilled like a fine Chardonnay. She's a nice warm Merlot. 98.6 all day.

Kelly: I didn't want her to freeze.

House: So you titrated the blanket. As her fever dropped, you lowered the power.

Kelly: Exactly.

House: So it's been on the lowest setting since when?

Kelly: Yesterday afternoon.

House: Which means we could have known that her fever was gone yesterday afternoon.

Taub: The fever was brief. Sounds like a reaction to the medication… The antibiotics.

Chase: Without vomiting?

House: When did she last puke?

Taub: Not since she was admitted.

House: Two down. sh**ting for three.

[The team heads back to the OR. Margaret is still in the steel halo for surgery.]

Kelly: You're gonna turn her pacemaker off? You sure that's a good idea?

House: Nope. But it might be. [He disconnects it. Nothing happens.] No tachycardia, there's only the delusions left. If they're even still there.

Kelly: Maybe it is a bipolar disorder. She's female. She's 30 —

Chase: it's not a coincidence. You've gotta stop doing this.

Kelly: But it could have been prompted by the physical symptoms.

House: [epiphany] You couldn't be more wrong. You've got the cause and effect backwards. Start her on Haloperiodol and Lorazepam. Give it a few hours to take effect. Call me when she wakes.

[An unknown amount of time passes and the team is again in Margaret's room.]

Chase: Still hallucinating.

House: Can you hear me? What are you looking at?

Margaret: The table, it's on f*re.

House: If it was, think I'd be able to do this… [places hand in “f*re”] without screaming for my mommy? [The flames disappear.]

Margaret: Thank you.

House: Don't be too impressed. It's mostly the happy pills you put her on. But she can talk to us now. The obviously stupid lie you told us about your hospital records, it turns out to have been un-obviously un-stupid. You thought you wouldn't get caught because you thought that you'd be cured and back home by the time we spoke to the other hospital. Because you knew what was wrong with you. Your doctor was treating you with Risperidone, right? That's why you were in Trenton. You got the stomach pain, you went to see him, he wanted you to taper off.

Billy: Her doctor's not in Trenton.

House: Not the one you know about. If you haven't figured it out by now, your wife has a secret.

Billy: What the hell is he talking about? Is it about your ex?

House: The ex was not so much a secret, more of a lie.

Billy: You weren't married before, were you?

Margaret: I'm sorry. I didn't want you to know about it.

Billy: Know-know about what?

House: She's sick. She's been sick for years. Maybe it put you on the streets. Maybe that's where you got the broken bones. She's only suffering from one condition. Everything else is side effects of the drug that was treating it. She stopped taking the drug, the side effects faded. But the underlying disease is still there. Why don't you tell your husband.

Margaret: Billy… I'm schizophrenic.

House: That's the kind of thing that a recent psychiatric resident might have figured out.

[Outside the patient room House is writing up the chart as Billy approaches.]

Billy: What the hell am I supposed to do now?

House: Nothing. Her physical symptoms are gone. We'll put her on a different anti-psychotic for the mental ones. You can take a nap.

Billy: This is not who I married.

House: Of course she is. You just didn't know it.

Billy: I don't know if I can stay with her.

House: Sorry, as your marriage counselor, I'm not allowed to talk to you without your wife present.

[He heads for the elevator. Billy follows him.]

Billy: Just-just tell me how hard it would be for us to handle this. Medically.

House: Look, if you want me to give you a reason to leave her, fine. Apparently you haven't noticed, but she's got a serious mental illness.

Billy: It's too hard.

House: It's always hard.

[House enters the elevator. The doors start to close but open again as Chase enters. A pensive Billy stays behind.]

Chase: Okay, so I made a mistake. Kelly will make a fine doctor, but she's not ready for the team.

House: Up to you.

Chase: What? You like her now?

House: Nope. But she got me to the right answer, which none of the rest of you did. If you want to give her another sh*t, go for it.

Chase: Okay. I will.

House: Great. It'll make it easier for you to sleep with her. [He leaves the elevator, talking over his shoulder to Chase.] Come on, why else would you have hired her?

Chase: [leaning so he can see House as the elevator doors close on him.] That's not why I hired her!

[Musical montage to Doug Paisley’s “End of the Day.”]

[Billy watching Margaret from outside the room, enters room, looks in on her and holds her hand and pets her head while she cries.]

♪♫ At the end of a long, long day,

♪♫ Come go with me in the blue and the gray.

♪♫ There's no up there's no down,

[Switch to Cuddy’s office]

♪♫ And there's no way around,

Cuddy: What are you doing?

♪♫ At the end of the day.

House: I got bored with the p*rn on my computer. You got any girl on girl on girl on vibrating object on girl stuff? I wouldn't have to do this if you gave me the name of that physical therapist you like.

Cuddy: You done with Brandi?

House: Ehh… Knobby hands.

Cuddy: I will get you the name. Let's stay at my place tonight, okay?

House: Will you get cable?

Cuddy: No.

House: Then we'll have to have more sex.

Cuddy: Okay.

[Switch to locker room. Kelly is cleaning out her locker.]

♪♫ When the well runs dry,

♪♫ I will cross to you.

Chase: What are you doing?

Kelly: Quitting before House fires me.

♪♫ There's no up there's no down,

♪♫ And there's no way around,

Chase: Hold on.

Kelly: We both know he is. But maybe there's a bright side.

♪♫ At the end of the day.

Chase: What?

Kelly: You really looked out for me. You seem like a really good guy. And… I never date anybody who I work with. But…

Chase: Yeah… Sorry it didn't work out. You want to get dinner tomorrow night?

[Kelly smiles and nods]

At the end of the day

[Scene changes to Cuddy’s house. She and House are eating dinner. Rachel is in a high chair between them.]

♪♫ Your heart it is worn. You’re a bleeding machine

♪♫ A ghost hand lifts you up out of your dreams

♪♫ See the sunlight combed on the shapes at the fray

Cuddy: You want some more meat?

House: This is meat? [She smiles.] Yes, please. [He hands her his plate and smiles.]

♪♫ I’m gonna get by

♪♫ I’m gonna get through

♪♫ When the well runs dry

♪♫ I’m gonna cross to you

[House takes a sip of wine and looks at Rachel. She has picked up his cane and is chewing on the handle.]

House: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on, kid. Come on, come on. Come on. Come on. [He gently pries the cane from her hands and mouth.] Hey, hey, hey.

[He looks at the slobbery handle and cleans it off with a napkin. He looks back at Rachel who is picking food off her tray with her hands and eating it.]

♪♫ There's no up there's no down,

♪♫ And there's no way around,

♪♫ At the end of the day.

House: [sourly] Aren't you adorable.
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x04 - Massage Therapy"}