Jason: Make breakfast, make coffee, wake up!Better wake up first.Oh.I made breakfast?Did I make coffee?I did.Wonder what else I've done this morning?

Mike: Hey!Good morning, Dad.

Jason: Hey, Mike, you're up.

Mike: Yeah.

Jason: I've over-slept, it must be noon.

Mike: Oh no, Dad, it's only six thirty.

Jason: Oh, well that's terrific, Mike; your very first day of the new semester, and you decide to stay out all night.That's very smart.

Mike: Dad, I did not stay out all night!

Jason: Well, I call Six thirty am, staying out all night!

Mike: Dad, I did not just get in.Look...look...I...I woke up early and I made breakfast.

Jason: Who's the girl, Mike?

Mike: Dad, do you see a girl in here?

Jason: No!I'm talking about the girl in your apartment, that you got up early to make breakfast for.

Mike: Dad, I got up early because I'm excited about my first day of class.

Jason: Oh?Aha!So, any class in particular.

Mike: Yeah, Dad!Look, Introduction to Acting.I mean, Dad this class is not just a bunch of books and papers and other pointless, useless garbage that Carol lives for.I mean, all that we do is act.

Maggie: Jason, who are you "aha-ing" to at this time in the morning?

Jason: Well, Mike got up early, he made breakfast, and he's excited about a class.

Maggie: Where is she?

Mike: Mom, come on!

Maggie: Aha!So, what about this acting class?

Carol: Aha!

Mike: What is it with you people?You act like I have never cared about school in my life!

Maggie: Aha.

Mike: Mom, I have been excited about school, dozens of times.

Carol: Name one!

Jason: That's it, he's taking a nude acting class!

Ben: Mike's in a nude acting class?

Mike: Yeah, yeah Benny, I'm in a nude acting class!And I've got a girl hidden up in my room, plus a spare one stashed under the counter, and I've made breakfast; they're all yours, take your pick!

Mike: I'm early.I'm very early.Heck, why not?I can do this.And now accepting the best actor award for Mike Seaver is...Mike Seaver!!Mike!Mike!Mike!Mike!Oh, hi, ah, I was just...err...testing out the acoustics here...Mike, Mike.Sounds good to me.Mike Seaver.

Tony: Tony Dissipio.

Mike: So, you ready for this class?

Tony: Oh, I sure am.I'll tell you the truth- I've never been early for a class in my whole life, except that nude photography course last year.

Mike: We...I don't remember you in Nude Photography 1.

Tony: I was in two.Hey, listen, wait, before I get to like you- your not one of these big deal actors, with a list of credits from here to Broadway, just slumming in this class?

Mike: Oh, no...no, no, I'm...err...I've only done a couple of things...err...off Broadway.

Tony: Off Broadway?All I got is a couple of seasons of summer stock.

Mike: Wow, now there's some summer stock.So, I guess you two know each other.Hi, my name is Mike Seaver.

Kay: Kay McDonnell.ice to meet you, Mike.

Mike: The pleasure's all mine.OK, it's mostly Tony's.So...err...what do you guys hear about this teacher?

Kay: Well, I understand that Professor Thorn is a master of the Strasbourg method.

Mike: Oh, because...err...Well, 'cause I've had teachers do that to me.

Professor: And you!

Tony: Because you were acting.

Mike: Tony, didn't you hear, there's no papers, tests, or anything.

Tony: Oh!Just in case I wanna look something up later.

Professor: So, is acting merely the ability to memorize lines and not bump into the furniture?Oh, by the way, you should all know who said that.

Class: Spencer Tracy.

Professor: Very good!...

Mike: Can I borrow a piece of paper?And a pen.

Professor: So, what exactly is acting?Is it something you see on a stage?Maybe.Something you see in the cinema?

Mike: Could I borrow another piece of paper?I write kind of big.Who was that last master guy's name?

Student: Ibsen.

Mike: Who?

Mike: Oh sure...err sure...err...He was the old guy in Beverly Hill Billie's, Buddy Ibsen!

Professor: I see.And what is your name young man?

Mike: Ahh...Mike Seaver.

Mike: Is there a D?

Ben: Hey Mike, you wanna sh**t some hoops?

Mike: No thanks Benny.I've got a long night of reading ahead of me, alright?

Ben: Mike, Mom and Dad aren't around.Don't pull this stuff with me.

Mike: Benny listen, is Carol up in her room?

Ben: Yes, she's crying about a new zit.

Mike: Oh, well listen, I've got to see her.

Ben: On purpose?

Mike: Yeah, I need to use her dictionary.

Ben: The fifty pound one!The bug k*ller!

Mike: Yes.Yeah Benny, that's the one.

Ben: The roaches are back, huh?

Mike: Benny look, I have to look up a few words...err...Hey nothing gets by you, Benny.You know, if you go upstairs and you ask Carol for that dictionary, I'll let you squish the ones in the pizza box.

Ben: Deal!Carol!

Maggie: Hi, honey!

Jason: Hey!

Maggie: What are you surprising me with tonight?

Jason: Well ,I thought maybe after the kids went to sleep...maybe we could...err...

Mike: Sloppy Joes!!!!

Jason: Hey Mike!How's that acting class you were all excited about?

Mike: Oh, err, it's great, Dad, just great.

Maggie: What are those?

Mike: They're books, Mom.

Jason: Yeah, school having a paper drive?

Mike: No Dad, this is some stuff that I wanna read tonight.

Jason: Oh, that's good, you're acting now, right?

Mike: Look, Dad, is it that unbelievable that I wanna take home a few thousand pages to read for my own amusement?

Jason: Well, I'm sorry Mike, I didn't know you were so serious.

Mike: Well, I am, Dad.You know?I mean look, I may not be as...as well-read as Carol, I may not be as academically inclined as Carol, I may not be as smart as Carol...

Carol: May not be?

Maggie: Carol, this is not the time to make fun of your brother.

Carol: Ah, I take 'em where I can get 'em.Here, and clean off the roach guts when you're finished.

Mike: Carol, I am not k*lling bugs, alright?I'm looking up words...big ones!!Big, humungous words!Giant words no-one's even heard of; as hard as that is to comprehend.

Maggie: Well, I have never seen Mike like that.Whatever's wrong, I can fix it.

Maggie: Jason, this is Mike we're talking about.

Jason: I said a little faith.

Professor: And so, my fellow actors, I trust you all have audition oppo...

Mike: Sorry I'm late.

Professor: And so, my fellow actors, I trust you all have audition opportunities to share with each other this morning.

Kay: The East Village Rep.is holding trials for Oedipus next week.

Professor: Oh!Wonderful challenge for the young actor.And if any of you boys should be lucky enough to get cast in Oedipus, don't forget to invite your mother.

Tony: I heard they're holding auditions for After the Fall, this weekend at the Soho Theatre, in the alley.

Mike: Err...well actually...errm...I prefer, Death of a Salesman.

Professor: Yes, so do I.

Mike: Because that's the one I read, last night.

Mike: Yeah, I read that they're having auditions tomorrow for McGregor's Fish and Chips.

Professor: McGregor's Fish and Chips?Is that the new Marmot play?

Mike: Oh no, no sir, that's his...err...the old restaurant.You know their slogan, "our fish don't stink!"

Professor: Somehow that one got by me.

Mike: Oh yeah, well it says right here...err...Play, Swimmy, the happy fish; twelve commercials, personal appearances, big money.

Mike: But, don't you have to start somewhere?

Student: Hey look, when you go, say hi to Buddy Ipsom for me.

Professor: Alright, alright!Enough frivolity ladies and gentlemen.Let's loosen up with another exercise, hmm?

Mike: Oh, but sir...I'm...this...I'm sorry, but this is what I've always wanted to do.

Professor: No, no, no, I mean, I'm going to demonstrate the exercise from here.You'll have to move.

Mike: Oh...oh right!

Maggie: He didn't show up for dinner, dessert, or even a snack.That's it, it's been twenty seven hours, I've been a good sport, but now it's time to find out what's bothering my little boy.

Jason: Maggie!Honey...

Maggie: And don't say anything logical or correct that I'll know is right in my heart of hearts!

Jason: Honey, I was just gonna say...

Maggie: Jason, sometimes you amaze me.Our little boy's in agony, and you're about to stuff your face.Where are you going?

Jason: I'm taking Mike a snack.

Maggie: But, you said it was a bad idea to go up there!

Jason: Yes I know.I'm inconsistent, Maggie.It's part of the wackiness that makes me so damned interesting.

Mike: (reading from a play) "When he himself might his quietest make with a bare bodkin, Who would fardols bare..." Hey, there's only one word in this sentence I don't have to look up, Come in!

Maggie: We brought you something to eat.

Mike: Oh.Ah...thanks.Just put it down, I'll get to it later.

Maggie: What do we do now?

Jason: Maggie, I've got us this far, didn't I?So, Mike, you're studying, I see.

Mike: Yep.

Maggie: Ahh."When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin.Who would fadols bare, to grunt and sweat under a weary light."

Mike: Hey, am I the only guy in this planet who does not get this Hamlet junk?You know, if you ask me, this does not speak very well of the education I got at Dewey High School!

Jason: Well, maybe you just weren't paying attention the day they covered that.

Maggie: Mike, honey, if it'll make you feel better, I don't have a clue what a fardol is.

Mike: Well the kids in my class, do understand this stuff.You know, and some of 'em have even done plays by Chekhov.I mean, until two days ago, I thought Chekhov was the Russian guy off Star trek!

Maggie: You can't know every play that's ever been written!

Mike: Tell me about it, Mom!I've been up till three am, reading these stupid things, and I made a bigger fool out of myself in class today, than I did yesterday.If I keep reading this stuff, they're gonna lynch me!

Maggie: Well Mike, what if you only thought you were making a fool of yourself, and you really weren't.A lot of times, your father thinks he's made a total fool out of himself and err...

Mike: Alright, Ok, today...like I brought in this audition for...this audition notice for a television ommercial...a real job!McGregor's Fish and Chips.

Maggie: Oh, I know their commercials, "If it smells bad, you're in the wrong place!" Or something like that...

Mike: Dad, now you see how you and I are staring at Mom, like she's out of her mind; well that is how the whole class stared at me taday!!

Jason: Well...

Mike: You know I...I just don't get it!I don't get it!You know, I feel like I don't fit in.And I have always been able to fit in with everybody!And at Dewey, even though Principal Dewitt would...would punish me for four years every single day, I know that deep down, the man liked me!

Jason: He loathed you.

Maggie: He did.

Mike: Well, it's just that the kids in my class know more, and have done more than I ever will.you know, I think I'm just kidding myself about this whole acting thing.

Jason: So, what are you gonna do about it?

Mike: I don't know.I'm supposed to ask you that.

Jason: Well, we can't answer that, Mike.

Maggie: Well, speak for yourself, Jason.

Jason: No, honey, he's not a little boy.He's got to make his own decisions.I think, Mike, that this is your dream and only you can decide if the pain is worth it.

Mike: So, is it worth it?

Mike: Oh, where was I?Oh yeah, I was looking up, "bodkin".

Mike: "If I do improve and make a big change, would you be...I mean, could you be...

Student: "I am now.I always have been."

Mike: "So, I guess this is a pretty important talk we've been having."

Student: "Yes...yes"

Mike: Yeah.

Mike: OK.This isn't Oedipus, this isn't Hamlet, it's not even death of a Salesman, but it's a start, it's not nowhere, it is somewhere, and I am not too good to make my start right here...today...now!

Auditioner: Fish or chip?

Mike: What?

Auditioner: What are you auditioning for, fish or chip?

Mike: Oh, well...err...Are chips making personal appearances?

Auditioner: Who'd come out to see a chip, huh?They wanna see Swimmy, the happy fish.

Mike: Oh, oh, alright, well Swimmy it is.

Mike: Ah, is this seat taken?

Man: Sit!Sit!So, my friend auditioned for this a little earlier and told me all about it.

Mike: Ah, well...err...hey, whatever they make me do is fine, 'cause after the way I've been humiliated this week, it doesn't matter.

Man: Wow, so you're married.Wow, look at the gills on that one!

Mike: Hey, wait a minute, I know them.What the heck are they doing here?I mean, they've been in plays and summer stock, and they laughed at me when I told 'em about this audition.I mean they're no better than I am.

Auditioner: Come on people!The part of Swimmy has already been cast.

Actors: Hey!What!

Man: Hey, I've been eating worms for three days!

Professor: Once again gentlemen, very clever material!Just hope my swimming lives up to your vision.

Tony: Do you believe that guy, what a phony!!

Kay: He's not what he seemed at all, m Apparently not a lot of people are.

Tony: Mike?

Mike: Ah...why don't we just start over.My names Mike Seaver, I've done two plays in my whole life, both of them at high school.

Tony: Tony Dissipio, and I have done summer stock.I built scenery.

Kay: Kate McDonnell, and I'm not used to this honesty stuff, it's gonna take a while.I wanna act.

Tony: Me too.

Mike: Me too.

Man: Hey, I just called my service; New York Zoo is looking for people that look like walruses.It's not right for me, but I figured I'd toss it your way!!

Jason: Make breakfast.

Maggie: Make coffee.

Mike: Oh, you guys, don't worry, I'm not just getting home, OK?

Jason: Don't worry, we believe you.

Maggie: Yeah.I'm just thrilled that you're excited about your class...any class.

Mike: Hey, you bet, and you know, thanks and...You guys letting me make that decision on my own, it's really changed my life.

Maggie: Well Mike, I guess we can finally say that we trust you.

Mike: Oh, well thanks, Mom.

Girl: Mike!!!We're still waiting for the coffee.

Mike: Oh...err...just one minute.

Jason: Just one second!

Girl 2: Can I come out now?

Mike: Oh, there you are!Oh, hey, let me help you out.Here, come on out here.I'll be right up, OK?

Maggie: Look, Mike...

Mike: Mom, Dad, listen, you know if I weren't in that stage in life where you trusted me and wanted me to make my own decisions, I would feel the need to explain here...but I don't.

Jason: Hey, hold on!

Maggie: Do you think you can walk out of her without..

Mike: Got ya!
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "05x04 - Fish Bait"}