BLACK ORCHID

BY: TERENCE DUDLEY

Part One

Original Air Date: 1 March 1982
Running time: 24:56

NYSSA: Where are we?

ADRIC: Earth again.

TEGAN: I did say I wanted to stay with the crew for a while. You can stop trying to get me back to Heathrow.

DOCTOR: I have.

TEGAN: You certainly know how to fly this crate, don't you.

DOCTOR: What's the matter, old girl? Why this compulsion for planet Earth?

NYSSA: What is this place?

DOCTOR: A railway station.

TEGAN: Ah, but when?

DOCTOR: Three o'clock, June the 11th, 1925.

TEGAN: I haven't been born yet.

DOCTOR: It's interesting, isn't it. And no jet lag. Shall we go outside?

NYSSA: You think that wise, considering what we've just done to London?

DOCTOR: Oh, that would have happened if we'd been there or not. All part of Earth's history.

NYSSA: I hope you're right.

TEGAN: Well, I'd like to take a look.

DOCTOR: Come on.

ADRIC: So what is a railway station?

DOCTOR: Well, a place where one embarks and disembarks from compartments on wheels, drawn along these rails by a steam engine. Rarely on time.

NYSSA: What a very silly activity.

DOCTOR: You think so? As a boy I always wanted to drive one.

TANNER: Good afternoon, sir. I'm Tanner, Lord Cranleigh's chauffeur.

DOCTOR: Lord Cranleigh?

TANNER: Yes, sir.

DOCTOR: We're expected?

TANNER: Oh yes, sir. You are the Doctor?

DOCTOR: Indeed.

NYSSA: May I ask what you're staring at?

TANNER: I'm sorry, miss.

TANNER: Please, sir, if you don't mind. The game's already started. His lordship won the toss and decided to bat first to give you time to get here. That train's always slate.

DOCTOR: That's very thoughtful of his Lordship.

TANNER: Er, yes, sir. But I do think we should hurry. His lordship is a first class bat, but I'm not quite sure how strong his support is this year.

DOCTOR: Come on, you lot.

TEGAN: Now what? Where are we going?

DOCTOR: To a cricket match.

TEGAN: Why?

DOCTOR: Why not?

STATIONMASTER: It's out here on the platform.

STATIONMASTER: Here, what do you make of that, Constable? [/i]

CHARLES: Ah, there you are, man, good. I'm Cranleigh. Didn't expect four of you.

CHARLES: Good lord. Er, I'm so sorry. Do forgive me for staring. You look exactly like my fiancée. It's quite uncanny.

DOCTOR: This is Nyssa.

CHARLES: You must meet her.

DOCTOR: And Adric and Tegan.

CHARLES: How do you do. Well, you'd better pad up, Doctor. Got your gear?

DOCTOR: Ah, I regret I have none.

CHARLES: No matter, I'll fix you up. We're taking a terrible thrashing. 54 for 8. I made a duck.

CHARLES: Smutty said he'd send a useful bat.

DOCTOR: Smutty?

CHARLES: Smutty Thomas. Oh, don't you call him Smutty at Guys?

DOCTOR: Er, no, as a matter of fact.

CHARLES: Oh, he was Smutty at school. Now, the wicket's very green, the ball's keeping low. Any good with the ball?

DOCTOR: Not bad.

CHARLES: Good. Medium pace? Slow?

DOCTOR: Fast.

CHARLES: Top hole.

CHARLES: Good luck, old boy.

DOCTOR: Middle stump!

CHARLES: Well played, sir.

CHARLES: Splendid!

CHARLES: Mother, may I introduce Tegan and Adric.

LADY CRANLEIGH: How do you do? What enchanting names.

CHARLES: And this is Nyssa.

LADY CRANLEIGH: How extraordinary!

CHARLES: Yes, isn't it.

LADY CRANLEIGH: Worcestershire.

CHARLES: Apparently not.

LADY CRANLEIGH: Nyssa, did you say?

CHARLES: Yes.

LADY CRANLEIGH: Forgive me, my dear, but you must be a Worcestershire Talbot.

NYSSA: No, I'm not.

LADY CRANLEIGH: Are you quite sure?

NYSSA: Quite sure.

LADY CRANLEIGH: Robert?

MUIR: Uncanny. Quite uncanny.

LADY CRANLEIGH: Two peas in a pod. Positively two peas in a pod.

NYSSA: I beg your pardon?

LADY CRANLEIGH: Forgive a pardonably curiosity, my dear, but where are you from?

NYSSA: The Empire of Traken.

LADY CRANLEIGH: Really.

LADY CRANLEIGH: Your Doctor substitute has made your score almost respectable, Charles.

CHARLES: Perfectly ripping performance. Much better player than Smutty.

DOCTOR: Howzat!

TEGAN: Oh, well bowled!

WICKET: Howzat!

CHARLES: Well done.

DOCTOR: Howzat!

DOCTOR: Howzat!

DOCTOR: Howzat!

CHARLES: Ripping performance, old boy. Come over to the house and meet the mater.

CHARLES: Mother, may I present the Doctor.

LADY CRANLEIGH: How do you do?

DOCTOR: How do you do.

LADY CRANLEIGH: Doctor who?

CHARLES: I'm sorry, Mother, but he'd like to remain incognito, and I think we should respect that after what he's done today.

LADY CRANLEIGH: Of course.

MUIR: First rate, sir.

CHARLES: Sir Robert Muir, the Chief Constable.

MUIR: A superb innings, worthy of the master.

DOCTOR: The Master?

MUIR: Well, the other doctor.

MUIR: W G Grace.

DOCTOR: Yes, of course.

LADY CRANLEIGH: Are you able to stay for the ball, Doctor?

CHARLES: Yes, you must. I insist now, all of you.

DOCTOR: Thank you.

LADY CRANLEIGH: We have one every year in aid of the Hospital for Sick Children.

TEGAN: It's fancy dress, isn't it?

CHARLES: Yes.

TEGAN: We haven't got any costumes.

MUIR: I was just thinking how charming yours was.

CHARLES: Costumes are no problem. We keep a selection for last minute guests. I'm sure we can fix you up. Well, Doctor, how would you like to take a cocktail to your bath?

DOCTOR: Well, certainly a cold drink.

ADRIC: What do you do with a cocktail in a bath?

CHARLES: Drink it, old boy.

CHARLES: Ah, Ann, my dear. Come and meet the hero of the day, and.

DOCTOR: Great Scott.

CHARLES: Ann Talbot, my fiancée, this is Nyssa.

ANN: How do you do?

NYSSA: How do you do?

CHARLES: And this is the Doctor, and Tegan and Adric.

ANN: Worcester. Have you an Uncle Percy?

LADY CRANLEIGH: Not a Worcestershire Talbot.

ANN: Then where are you from?

NYSSA: Traken.

ANN: Where's that?

MUIR: Near Esher, isn't it?

ANN: Could there be Talbots near Esher?

LADY CRANLEIGH: Not possible. The hunt isn't good enough.

CHARLES: Well, Doctor, what can I offer you? Brewster here can make absolutely anything quite superbly.

DOCTOR: Well, I do have a terrible thirst. Perhaps a lemonade with lots of ice.

CHARLES: Ann?

ANN: The same as the Doctor, please.

CHARLES: My dear?

TEGAN: A screwdriver, please.

CHARLES: Ah, a screwdriver, Brewster. And?

NYSSA: Thank you. I'll have the same.

CHARLES: Better make that orange juice for the children, Brewster.

BREWSTER: My lord.

CHARLES: Bob, same again?

MUIR: Thank you, Charles.

CHARLES: And a Tom Collins.

DOCTOR: Well, it's very charming of you to make us so welcome.

ANN: Not at all, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Thank you.

CHARLES: Thank you. Shall we?

ANN: Are you really from Esher?

NYSSA: I don't even know where Esher is.

TEGAN: How beautiful.

LADY CRANLEIGH: The black orchid. Yes, it is beautiful. It was found on the Orinoco by my eldest son, George.

TEGAN: Of course. I thought I recognised the name. George Cranleigh the botanist, the explorer.

LADY CRANLEIGH: But the Brazilian forests took their toll. He never returned from his last expedition two years ago.

TEGAN: I'm sorry.

LADY CRANLEIGH: Ann was engaged to him, but I'm delighted to say that we're still going to have her in the family.

MUIR: If Charles marries the right girl.

ANN: Nyssa doesn't even know where Esher is.

LADY CRANLEIGH: Which shows great taste. I'm sorry, Nyssa. Our curiosity has been vulgar enough. It's high time we all change.

CHARLES: Yes, well, I'm ready for a bath, so if the ladies will excuse us, I'll show you to your room, Doctor. Bring your drink. (to Adric) You too, old boy.

CHARLES: Well, I must flatter myself. Call that an admirable choice.

DOCTOR: It certainly is. What are you going to wear?

CHARLES: Ah, that's better left as a surprise, I think. Now then, I'd better attend to that young man. What was his name again?

DOCTOR: Adric.

CHARLES: Scandinavian?

DOCTOR: Er, not quite. He's Alzarian.

CHARLES: I never could remember all those funny Baltic bits. Geography was never my strong point. My brother stole all the thunder there. Positive Odin. Till later, then.

DOCTOR: Yes.

NYSSA: You know the dances of this period?

TEGAN: Well, I know the Charleston. I learned it for a play when I was at school.

NYSSA: How's it performed?

TEGAN: I'll show you.

NYSSA: Is that dancing?

TEGAN: Well, it's not bad.

NYSSA: No, it's just that on Traken our dancing is much more formalised, and far more complex.

TEGAN: You dance?

NYSSA: It's part of my training. And although I say it myself, I'm considered quite good.

TEGAN: Come in.

ANN: My dears, I've had an absolutely ripping idea.

NYSSA: Oh, how lovely. That's lovely.

ANN: My dear, I'm so glad you think so. Look.

ANN: There. With the headdress nobody, but nobody, will be able to tell us apart. Isn't that topping?

NYSSA: Quite topping.

ANN: Just as long as I don't show this.

TEGAN: A mole?

ANN: Yes. You haven't got one, have you?

NYSSA: No.

ANN: Good.

DOCTOR (OOV.): I want to be happy, but I can't be happy, till I make you

DOCTOR (OOV.): Hello?

DOCTOR: Who's that?

LADY CRANLEIGH: Splendid.

NYSSA: I rather think this will be fun. I think you have to ask me to dance.

ADRIC: Why?

NYSSA: Because that's what everybody else is doing.

ADRIC: What, all those people?

NYSSA: Not me, you idiot. Each other. Come on, ask me.

ADRIC: I don't think I could do it.

NYSSA: Yes, you can. Just follow me. Come on.

MUIR: I hope Lord Cranleigh's dancing with the right girl. It's a little naughty, really.

TEGAN: I think it's a great hoot.

MUIR: A great what?

TEGAN: Hoot.

MUIR: Hoot. Oh yes.

CHARLES: There is one way of not getting you mixed up.

ANN: What's that?

CHARLES: By having every dance with you.

ANN: Foiled again. You're the host.

 (The music stops. Nyssa jumps onto the parapet and waves at Ann, who runs over to join her. Everyone watches the 'twins' do a little dance before Nyssa whispers in Ann's ear. 

DOCTOR: Why do I always let my curiosity get the better of me?

ADRIC: Nyssa?

NYSSANN: Guess.

CHARLES: Ann?

NYSSANN: Guess.

MUIR: I might have known they were up to something. Now no one can tell them apart.

TEGAN: I can.

MUIR: How?

TEGAN: That's a secret.

NYSSANN: Where's the Doctor?

ADRIC: Don't know.

NYSSANN: What's he wearing?

ADRIC: I don't know that either.

NYSSANN: You should ask Lady Cranleigh to dance.

ADRIC: Well, look, I'm not really very good at it. Anyway, I'd much rather eat.

MAN: Shall we dance?[/i]

DOCTOR: Why didn't I leave after the cricket?

LADY CRANLEIGH: You'll have to excuse me for a moment.

LADY CRANLEIGH: Latoni, what are you doing here? Get back to your quarters at once.

LATONI: My friend has escaped.

LADY CRANLEIGH: What?

LATONI: He h*t me from behind and escaped.

LADY CRANLEIGH: Where was Digby?

LATONI: Digby has gone.

LADY CRANLEIGH: Where?

LATONI: I don't know. I have not seen him today.

LADY CRANLEIGH: Come with me.

(The record finishes, and Charles has both butterfly girls in front of him.)

CHARLES: I've got every chance of having all (indistinct words)

DOCTOR: At last!

DOCTOR: Wherever this is.

MUIR: You deserve a better dancer than me, my dear. I must find you someone your own age.

TEGAN: But you're a beaut dancer, Sir Robert.

MUIR: Beaut? That, I think, is a great hoot.

TEGAN: The Charleston!

MUIR: What? Oh.

CHARLES: Marvellous! Absolutely excellent!

CHARLES: Oh, excuse me.

ADRIC: Enjoying yourself, Nyssa?

NYSSANN: Nyssa? Are you sure, Adric?

ADRIC: Yes. You can't do that.

NYSSANN: Can't I?

DOCTOR: Hello?

DOCTOR: Hello?

DOCTOR: Hello?

DOCTOR: Portuguese.

DOCTOR: Well, one of these must get me out of here.

ANN: That was great fun. Shall we go back to the terrace? I'm afraid we must return to the others. Who are you?

ANN: Let me go. Please let me go! Stop it! Let me go, whoever you are! Help! Help!
{"type": "series", "show": "Doctor Who", "episode": "19x17 - Black Orchid - part 1"}