[Opens on a planesoaring over Africa.  It passes over and lands next to a small villagers.  Theresidents look overjoyed to see the plane.  Out of the plane pops Dr. SebastianCharles.]

Villager: Dr.Sebastian!  [They hug.]

Sebastian: Two palletsof antibiotics for tuberculosis.

Villager: We’ve got sixpallets worth of patients!

Sebastian: Stoia Tuckerneeds a math lesson.  I’m headed back tomorrow.  [Sebastian is overrun bylaughing children.  The villager instructs people to unload the plane.  We seeboxes being unloaded with the label “Stoia Tucker”.  Sebastian is walking withthe children, and takes a box out of his bag.]  I’ve got some very specialmedicine here; this is from Hershey, Pennsylvania.  One per person, one perperson.  [The kids all grab for the chocolate.  Sebastian leaves the childrenand heads to a hut.  Another villager runs up.]

Villager #2: Help,help!  Dr. Sebastian, come quickly!  My son, he fell.  He fell on this rock.  Wewere just waiting for his friends.  [They run over to the man’s son, who ishalf lying in a ditch.  The man speaks in his native language as Sebastianchecks the boy’s vitals.]

Sebastian: I got nobreath sounds on the left – give me that.  [He takes a syringe and inflates theboy’s left lung.]  Yeah, he’s gonna be okay.

[Cut to Sebastiangiving a slide presentation in a cushy boardroom.]

Sebastian: The falldidn’t cause him to drop a lung, the lung caused him to fall.  TB chewed itup.  He’ll be lucky to live another year.  [He changes the slide.]  Now, thisis Sarni. I picked up the tab for the back brace myself.  The funny thing is isthat the brace cost more than the medicine that would have prevented her fromneeding it.  It’s your medicine.  All of the antibiotics that we need are righthere in your warehouses, in your factories.  [One of the board members speaksup.]

Jerry: We provide over10,000 doses a year.

Sebastian: Which is notenough.

Jerry: You know we’dlove to do more, but our hands are tied.

Sebastian: New car,Jerry?  I saw it on the way in, looks beautiful.

Jerry: Don’t make thispersonal.

Sebastian: All the wayfrom Germany, too, I know that’s a lot of red tape.

Jerry: I’m not likeyou; I’m not ashamed of making a living. 

Sebastian: And I knowyou didn’t become a chem. major for the money.  Now you want the same thingsthat I want, you just… [He puts a hand to his forehead.] You have to, you justhave to push a little, you have to push a little bit harder, harder for them.

Jerry: Sebastian?  [Sebastian,now leaning on the breakfast table, collapses, taking the table with him.  The board members run over.]  Call 911!  Isn’t someone herea doctor?  [Ironic close-up on Sebastian’s face, and credits!]

[Cuddy’s office.  As House walksin, Cuddy stands and shows House a cover of Newsweek with Sebastian’s pictureon it.]

House: Selling subscriptions?  Iheard 20 and you get a new bike.

Cuddy: Dr. Sebastian Charlescollapsed during a presentation at Stoia Tucker.

House: Really?  Crushed under theweight of his own ego?

Cuddy: Wow.  Is there nobody youadmire?

House: Well, there was this gal Imet in ‘Nam who could blow out a candle without using her –

Cuddy: He thinks it’s TB.  [Shehands him a chart.]

House: Good thing he’s not thesyphilis expert.

Cuddy: He wants a second opinion.

House: Second to his own.  Okay. [closes chart]  It’s not TB.

Cuddy: What is it?

House: Oh, you want specifics?

[Cut to Sebastian, who is showinghis sob-story pictures to the staff in Diagnostics.]

Sebastian: Lemma.  Big Knicks fan.

Foreman: You’ve never had anepisode like this before?

Sebastian: No.  He died lastmonth.  Stupidly tried to share his meds with his cousin, and they only hadenough for one.  [House enters.]  Dr. House, I’m Sebastian Charles.  [He offershis hand, which House walks right by.]

House: Patients aren’t usuallypart of the diagnostic process.

Sebastian: Well, I’m a doctor…. Listen, I know you guys don’t make a lot of money, but –

Cameron: I wrote your people acheck last month.

Sebastian: Oh, well… write usanother one.

Foreman: Talk to Chase, he’s rich.

Chase: My dad, not me.

Sebastian: Every minute 4 peopledie of TB.

House: [writing on the board] Wow,how can you sleep at night?

Sebastian: There’s people dying inAfrica of a disease that we cured over –

House: Yeah, I know.  I saw theconcert.  Seriously, let’s say you sleep six hours, that means every night youkill 1440 people.  I guess you gotta get some sleep, but come on, if you’dstayed up another 10 minutes you could have saved 40 lives.  Do you send notesto the families in the morning?  That’s gonna take at least 10 minutes sothat’s another 40 d*ad, another 40 notes….  Why don’t you go wrack yourselfwith guilt in your own room?

Sebastian: No, thanks, I’ll stay. I’d like to hear the differential.

House: Dr. Cameron, tell thedoctor why it’s not a good idea for the patient to be here.

Cameron: He’s an immunologist anda TB expert.

House: That’ll be very useful ifwe need somebody to say the words, “I think it’s TB.”  [He sniffs.]  What isthat?

Sebastian: Oh that.  I’m sorry,that’s my body powder.  It’s the only thing I’ve found that works in the Sahara. I, I’m kinda used to it, I don’t even notice it.

House: Who thinks it smells likean elephant dung smoothie?

Cameron: It smells okay to me. [Sebastian laughs.]

House: That is exactly why thepatient shouldn’t be in the room.  If you can’t tell a man that his colognemakes you want to puke, how are you going to tell him that he’s an idiot?

Cameron: He’s not an idiot.

House: Sure, you say that now,while he’s in the room.

Sebastian: Look, I don’t have timefor this.  It’s TB.

House: Nope.  The symptoms are toovaried.

Sebastian: Well, if you haven’tseen 10,000 cases I’d agree that’s what you’d think.

House: Told you he’s an idiot. You said you wanted a second opinion.

Sebastian: No, actually.  Mybackers wanted a second opinion.

House: Yeah, doesn’t look good ifyou drop d*ad while wearing your shoes sponsor’s logo.

Sebastian: It’s TB, and I’m notdying.  I’m gonna want you to plan a PPD and induce a sputum to confirm theTB.  [House nods to Chase and Foreman, who stand up.  Sebastian follows.]  Imagingstudies’ll determine the progress, and I think we should probably take a CTscan of my lungs just so that nobody second-guesses us?

House: Wouldn’t want that. [Sebastian’s cell rings.  He answers it.] 

Sebastian: [on phone] Hello?  No,I’m feeling much better.  [Sebastian leaves the office, but goes the wrong waydown the hall.]  Well, what you can do is you can get your board to approve theincreased med shipments that – [Cameron runs down the hall to shepherdSebastian the right way.]  No, no, no, no, don’t try.  No, no, don’t do yourbest.  Just get it done, okay?  [He hangs up by the elevator.]  That’s StoiaTucker, and they’re the nice pharmaceutical company.

Cameron: I’m sorry, but it’sagainst hospital regs.  [She holds out her hand.]

Sebastian: Oh, I need the phone. [Cameron’s beeper goes off.]

Chase: Why don’t we focus ongetting you better right now?  [Chase’s beeper goes off.]

Sebastian: What are you gonna do,throw me out?

Foreman: No, just the phone. [Foreman grabs it as his beeper goes off.]

Chase: Sorry, we’ve got anemergency.  [Chase and Foreman run off.]

Cameron: There’s a phone in yourroom.

Sebastian: Yeah, I figured thatthere would be.

Cameron: Right, I just thought,it’s not like the hospitals that you might used to in Africa.  [Sebastian getsin the elevator; Cameron stops the door from closing on her.]  I don’t knowwhat the facilities were like…

Sebastian: Thank you.

Cameron: You’re welcome.

Sebastian: And thanks for thatcheck.  [Cameron’s beeper beeps again.]

Cameron: [smiling very broadly] Ishould go.

[Cut to Foreman and Chase enteringHouse’s office.]

House: The nameless poor have aface, and it’s a pompous white man.  [Cameron enters.]

Cameron: Yeah, what a jerk, savingall those lives like that.

Foreman: What’s the emergency?

House: [looking at his yo-yo]  Ican’t remember how to do Walk the Dog.  The guy’s sick, he may be dying.  We’veforgotten all about doing a differential diagnosis.

Cameron: You just sent us off totest him for –

House: I had to get him out ofthere.  Now we can all sit around and call him an idiot.  Who wants to gofirst?

Cameron: He’s right!  Tuberculosiscould present in hundreds of different ways!

House: Well, by that logic,everyone in the hospital should be treated.

Foreman: Not everyone in thehospital’s been exposed to it for the last 20 years.

House: TB takes years to killyou.  2 weeks ago he was perfectly healthy, now he’s got a white board full ofsymptoms.

Chase: What about somethingmetabolic?

House: Welcome aboard the GoodShip Asskisser.  [Chase glares.]  Nice day for a sail.  Pucker up, me hearties.

Cameron: It’s not metabolic. Kidney, liver and thyroid are all normal.  No diabetes.

Chase: What about his heart?

House: Obviously big as alloutdoors.

Chase: Abnormal heart rhythm. White form showed P-R variability.

House: It’s subtle, but it’sthere.

Foreman: You think it’s hisheart?  Sick sinus syndrome?

House: Loose throttle.  Sometimesbeats too fast, sometimes too slow.

Chase: Causing him to pass out.

Cameron: It would account for theepisode.  I’ll put him on telemetry, do a stress test and an echocardiogram.

House: Treat him like every otherhospital patient.  I want to see that pious, body powered toosh hanging out ofhis gown.

[Cut to Sebastian struggling withis hospital gown.]

Sebastian: Could you give me ahand with this thing?  I don’t recall asking for a stress test or anechocardiogram.

Cameron: What are you gonna do,walk out?  Corporate sponsors aren’t going to like that.  I need your forearm. [She prepares his arm for a sh*t.]

Sebastian: What’s House thinking?

Cameron: Sick sinus syndrome.

Sebastian: Well, that’s a lot moreserious than TB.  [Cameron sticks him… slightly.]  Is that a PPD?

Cameron: If it changes color inthe next 48 hours –

Sebastian:  Yeah, uh, if Housedoesn’t think it’s TB why would he have you test for that?

Cameron: Just covering all hisbases, I guess.

Sebastian: Uh huh.  He doesn’tseem like a guy who, who does that.  [Cameron smiles.]

Cameron: We have you scheduled fora 10:30 echo.

Sebastian: Good for you.  [Hechuckles as she wheels him out of the room.]

[Cut to the elevator.]

House: Every minute that we refuseto love one another, another puppy cries another tear.

Wilson: You’re just mad that he’scloser to a Nobel Prize than you are.

House: And yet I’ve nailed moreSwedish babes.  Crazy, crazy world.

Wilson: It’s not just a trip to Stockholm,you know.  It comes with a cash prize.

House: Seriously?  No wondereveryone’s going after that peace thing.  [The elevator dings, and they walkout into the hospital lobby.]

Wilson: He cures thousands ofpeople every year, you cure, what?  30?

House: McDonald’s makes a betterhamburger than your mother because they make more?

Wilson: Oh, I see!  So you hatehim because the lives he saves aren’t as good as the lives you save.

House: Yup, that’s the reason. Nobel invented dynamite.  I won’t accept his blood money.

[Cut to House in the clinic.]

Mandy: The top of my head’skilling me.  [She puts her hand on her head to demonstrate.]

House: Hmmm.  We spent a weekdoing ‘top of head’ in Anatomy.  I know just where it is. [He sticks hisfingers right against her sinuses, and she flinches. (Ed. – And I flinch insympathy.)]

Mandy: Ow!  That is not the top ofmy head!

House: Eh, close enough forclinic.  Your sinuses are clogged.  Judging by the scratches on your hands, I’mguessing a new cat.

Mandy: It was my mother’s.  She’sdead.

House: You keep a d*ad cat?

Mandy: No.  My mother’s d*ad.

House: Oh.  Poor cat.  You’reallergic.  We can control it with antihistamine, one pill a day.

Mandy: Pills?

House: You don’t like to swallow. Not surprised.  Forget the pills.  I’ll give you a nasal spray.

Mandy: Steroids?  Is theresomething else you can give me?

House: Well, if you lived by theriver, I’ve got a bag.

[Cut to House leaving the clinic.]

Foreman: Hey, stress test wasnormal.

House: But his EKG was not normal.

Foreman: Echo’s normal.

House: Two for you, one for me. We need a tie-breaker.

Foreman: Echo and stress test aremore reliable.

House: Tilt-table test.

Foreman: Never works.

House: Bet you a week’s clinicduty it does.

Foreman: Hah hah, you’re on.

[Cut to Sebastian, lookingoh-so-amused strapped to a table.  He goes down.]

House: You like this guy?  [Andup.]

Foreman: You always tell us ouropinion of the patient is irrelevant.

House: Medically, it’s irrelevant. [Down.]  That says something about you. [Up.]

Foreman: You figure that anybodythat gives a crap about people in Africa must be full of it?

House: Yes.  There’s anevolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends.  Andthere’s an evolutionary imperative why we don’t give a crap about anybodyelse.  If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn’t function.

Foreman: Hmmm.  So, the greathumanitarian’s as selfish as the rest of us.

House: Just not as honest aboutit.

Foreman: You also always tell usmotives are irrelevant.  [And Sebastian is still going up…] Dr. Charles, yourheart’s handling the changes in orientation just fine.  No pauses on your EKG. And House drives up for the lay-up and oh, rejected!  [Heh, those doctors andthose sports metaphors.]

House: What does this knobby thingdo?

Foreman: I’m within protocolrange, you’re not going to get a different result.

House: The way I figure it is, ifthis could show you problems at 6, imagine what could happen if you crank it to10.  [The table starts going up and down much faster.]

Sebastian: House, is that you? 

House: Does it go to 11?

Foreman: Would you stop?  Youlost.  I’m scheduled for clinic duty Thursday and Friday.

Sebastian: [up, down, up] Allright, I’m beginning to feel nauseous.

Foreman: Would you turn the damnthing off before you break it? [He slaps House’s hand away.]

Sebastian: Okay, I’m gettingdizzy, I can’t see, I’m gonna pass out.

House: I win.

Foreman: At those speedsastronauts throw up.

House: I’m not talking about thenausea.  [He points to the screen with the readout.]

[Cut to Foreman discussing theresults in Sebastian’s room.]

Foreman: The test revealed aproblem.

Sebastian: Yeah?  House isinsane?  What he just did –

Foreman: Abusive andunprofessional.  If he hadn’t done it, we wouldn’t have seen the problem. You’ve got an abnormal P-R interval.  It could be dangerous, possibly fatal,particularly if you’re in Africa away from advanced medicine.

Sebastian: I’m gonna need apacemaker?

Foreman: You’re scheduled forsurgery this afternoon.

[Cut to Cameron and Sebastianwaiting for the elevator.]

Cameron: You’ll be able tomaintain your pacemaker from anywhere, you just need to get yourself to a phoneline every few months.

Sebastian: Better yet, you couldjoin me at one of my clinics.

Cameron: I’m kind of spoiled.

Sebastian: Well, we’ll get you ahut with a view.  You like sand?

Cameron: I meant medically.  No PETscans, no MRIs…

Sebastian: This is ridiculous. [He gets out of the wheelchair.]

Cameron: Dr. Charles, wait –

Sebastian: I know, I know,hospital regulations.  Darling – [he calls to an old woman walking by with awalker] – have a seat.  [to Cameron] Come on.

[Cut to Cameron and Sebastianstarting down the stairs.]

Sebastian: You’re smart, you’lladapt… we going up or down?

Cameron: Basement.

Sebastian: All right.  You mighteven find that without the technological crutches you become a better diagnostician. My heart can handle this, right?

Cameron: So far just carnivalrides have set you off.

Sebastian: When you meet thesepeople it changes you.  We should talk about it over dinner.

Cameron: Are you asking me to Africaor on a date?

Sebastian: Oh, I can ask youhalfway across the world, I can’t ask you to a restaurant a block away?

Cameron: Well, one’s a job, andthe other’s…

Sebastian: Yeah, hospital regs,you can’t date patients, right, I wouldn’t want to risk your preciousobjectivity.  You haven’t answered either question, by the way.

Cameron: You don’t thinkobjectivity’s important?

Sebastian: I think doctors likeHouse cling to objectivity like a three-year-old to a blanket; don’t get tooworked up, stay calm, stay cool and maintain that correct perspective.  Theonly flaw in their argument is when you have millions of people dying thecorrect perspective is to be yelling at the top of your lungs.  Sorry, my headis k*lling me.

Cameron: Here, sit on the step. [She takes his pulse.]

Sebastian: So, you gonna go outwith me or not?

Cameron: Your heart rate’s normal.

Sebastian: Yeah, of course it is,it’s one flight of stairs.  I’m gonna be fine.  My hand’s a little – [And withthat he vomits and collapses on top of Cameron.]

Cameron: Call a code!  Secondfloor stairwell!  [But who was she yelling to?]

[Cut to Diagnostics.]

Cameron: You were wrong.

House: Hey, I have feelings.  I’mtrying my best.  Isn’t that enough for you?

Chase: [waving the paper] Theabnormal EKG was real…

Cameron: It’s not sick sinussyndrome.

House: Well, thank God we foundout before we put the pacemaker in.  And thank God you dragged him into astairwell to get his heart racing.

Cameron: We were taking thestairs, they keep them in the stairwell.

Chase: The guy’s a selfish jerk,why would you –

Cameron: Why would you say he’sselfish?

House: Because he’s been talkingto Foreman.  [The phone rings.]

Chase: No I haven’t, I’m justgiving my opinion.  This kind of altruism doesn’t just naturally –

House: Excellent briefing.

Foreman: Hey, the guy’s stillsick. Can we talk about that?  The headaches point to a neurological problem. Acoustic neuroma.  Brian tumor causes dizziness, loss of consciousness, messeswith breathing patterns, heart rhythms –

House: Get an MRI.  [picks upphone]  Hello?  Oh, I’m sorry, I’ll be right down.  No problem, I’ll do anextra hour to make up.  I’m late for my clinic duty.  Here, go be me for acouple hours.  [He tosses Foreman his nametag, looking smug.]

[Cut to an impatient looking womanin the clinic.  Foreman enters talking.]

Foreman: expl*sive diarrhea,fever… it’s probably the flu.

Cecelia: Wow, you’re good.  You aHarvard boy?

Foreman: You’re not Hale, Oliver?

Cecelia: No.  Carter, Cecelia.

Foreman: They put you in the wrongroom, Cecelia.

Cecelia: Mrs. Carter.

Foreman: Sorry.  I’ll just be afew minutes, don’t take these in order and everything falls apart.

Cecelia: I have cancer.  [Foremanturns to look at her.]  I felt a lump.

Foreman: I’ll go get a nurse.

Cecelia: Yeah, see you in an houror two.

Foreman: Lie flat.  Lift your leftarm up and under your head?  [She does so, after unbuttoning her blouse.] Right there?

Cecelia: Yeah, I felt it thismorning.  Oh, my cousin had the same thing.

Foreman: It’s nothing.  We shouldcheck it again on your next cycle, but you really don’t have anything to worryabout.

Cecelia: That’s what they toldDonna.  She was d*ad in six months.

Foreman: Look, the edges aresmooth, it has mobility, it has all the earmarks of a benign --

Cecelia: Why should I believeyou?  Because you’re trying to rush me out of here?

Foreman: The risks of a falsepositive on a biopsy outweigh –

Cecelia: Either you do the biopsyor I talk to your superior.  Which is it – [looks at nametag] Dr. House?

Foreman: I’ll arrange the biopsy.

Cecelia: Thanks.

[Cut to Sebastian entering theMRI.  He doesn’t look good.]

Cameron: He asked me out.

Chase: I’m shocked.  I’m shockedwhen patients don’t ask you out.

Cameron: He also asked me to cometo Africa.

Chase: Boy, he moves fast.

Cameron: I think the two questionshad two different objectives.

Chase: Well, do you like him?

Cameron: Good looking single guy,genius doctor, cares about the world…

Chase: I take it you said no.

Cameron: You think I’m that hungup on rules and –

Chase: He’s not House.  There’snothing there.  [Indeed the MRI is spotless.  However, Sebastian’s arm doeshave a spot…]

Cameron: Yeah, there is.

[Cut to House in his office.]

House: Did I ask you to plant aPPD?

Cameron: It was positive, he’s gotTB!

House: Well, of course he’s gotTB!  The guy’s been in the jungle for 20 years!  If he tested positive forpink-eye would you think that was his big problem?

Cameron: I did a test, it waspositive, why is that a problem?

House: Because now he’s got thebig red target on his arm, the stubborn jerk thinks he’s right!  He won’t letus do any more tests.

Cameron: Well, maybe he’s not theonly stubborn jerk.  [House does an exaggerated “what, me?” kind of gesture.] I did an LP2: low glucose and he has an increased sed rate.  Everything screamstuberculosis!

House: Not everything!

Cameron: If any of the symptomsare caused by the TB it would throw off our diagnosis.

House: You’re right.  Gotta treatthe TB.

Cameron: Who knows, maybe he’lljust get better.

House: You’d like that, wouldn’tyou?  [Cameron leaves.]

[Cut to the cafeteria lunch line.]

Wilson: So it’s TB, but not TB?

House: I’m complicated.

Wilson: The guy does knowtuberculosis.  If he says it can manifest itself –

House: He’s not even a realdoctor, he’s a human telethon.

Wilson: Is that your problem withhim?  You see hypocrites every day, why is this guy so special?

House: You think I have ahypocritical attitude to hypocrisy?  The problem is there are 26 letters in thealphabet and he only uses two of them.  He treats thousands of patients withone diagnosis.  He knows the answer going in.  It’s cheating.

Wilson: So it’s all because he’sone of them useless specialists?

House: Oh, did I hurt the big timeoncologist’s itty bitty feelings?  [House, at this point, start covering hissteak with salad greens.] You’re a big help to patients who actually havecancer.  Other times you’re just annoying.  [Cuddy walks up.]

Cuddy: You’ve outdone yourself.

House: I’ll say.  My salad’scovering a free t-bone steak.

Cuddy: Cecelia Carter, rememberher?

House: Last week they said it was“Mystery Stew”, they owe me.

Cuddy: She was just in my officecrying because of the way you treated her.

Wilson: That doesn’t sound likeyou!

House: Then it probably wasn’t.

Cuddy: I get that you like toshock people.  Stun them out of complacency, out of stupidity.  But this womanthought she had cancer, she had a lump in her breast!  What were you trying toaccomplish?

House: Let me ask you something:if this were another doctor, if this patient were complaining about, let’s say,I don’t know, Foreman, you’d just dismiss this as the paranoid bitching ofanother paranoid bitch and file it under ‘P’ for –

Wilson: Paranoid?

House: Am not.

Cuddy: You’re right.

House: Good.

Cuddy: Apologize to her before theend of business today. [She leaves.]

Wilson: What did you do to Ceci?

Houes: I have no idea.  [to theregister] Just a salad today, big breakfast.

[Cut to Cameron enteringSebastian’s room.]

Sebastian: Hey.  [Cameron giveshim a little cup of pills, which he looks at.]  Levofloxacin?

Cameron: You have a resistantstrain of TB.

Sebastian: Wow, you just walkright in with these.

Cameron: That’s what we doctorsdo.  We write down the name of some medicine and someone gives it to us.

Sebastian: You know, there’s partsof the world where you get knifed walking around with this.  I mean, regularstuff’s bad enough, but treatment for the resistant strain?  [holds up a pill] I could get $6 a tablet for that one.  And I’d take it for two years. Streptomycin, now that’s two grand… ten grand, cure one person.  I had apatient in Jani once.  It was a mother, had three little boys.  She hadresistant TB, she couldn’t afford these.  She couldn’t afford bread.  We gaveher the regular stuff, but no surprise she died.

Cameron: I’m sorry.

Sebastian: I’m not taking thesepills.

Cameron: Because she couldn’t getthem you’re not going to take them?  That’s insane!

Sebastian: Why, because I’m betterthan her?

Cameron: Because letting her diewas wrong but letting you die is just as wrong.

Sebastian: Well, maybe I won’tdie.  Maybe somebody’ll pay a little more attention to my story.

[Cut to House’s office.]

Cameron: He figures thepharmaceuticals need something big to force them into action.  This’ll get alot more media play than a thousand African villagers dying.  [The phonerings.  Chase checks the caller ID – it’s Newsweek!]

House: So he won’t take the pills.

Chase: Newsweek’s calling you!

House: And he won’t agree to anymore tests.

Cameron: He has his diagnosis.

House: See what happens when youdon’t listen to me?

Cameron: Maybe millions of livesget saved –

House: Yeah, that’s my point. Increased heart rate, night sweats, loss of consciousness… besides rough sex,what do they all have in common?

Cameron: T –

House: It’s not TB!

Chase: His autonomic nervous system?

Cameron: We know that it’s not abrain tumor.

Chase: So what else could beeating his nerves?

Foreman: Fabry’s, autonomicdisregulation syndrome, shy-drager syndrome, it doesn’t matter.  He won’t letus test him.  [The phone begins to ring again.  House picks up.]

House: [on phone]  In my opinion,Dr. Sebastian Charles is an idiot.  Yeah, you can quote me.  C-u-d-d-y.  [Chaseand Foreman laugh to themselves.]

[Cut to Cuddy’s office.]

House: Sebastian is refusinglife-saving treatment.

Cuddy: He’s refusing TBtreatment.  You don’t think he has TB, ergo you should care less.

House: He won’t let me test him.

Cuddy: And what do you want me todo about it?

House: Hold him down.

Cuddy: Have you apologized toCecelia Carter yet?

House: Trust me, she doesn’t wantto hear it from me.  Look, the guy is k*lling himself, am I the only one whorealizes this is a bad thing?  [Cuddy begins to put on lipstick.]  If he was aChristian Scientist refusing meds we’d have 18 attorneys….  You’re putting onmake-up.  That’s not a good sign for my side, is it?

Cuddy: Sebastian has called apress conference for 3.  He’s asked me to be there to confirm the diagnosis onthe prognosis.

House: You are as big a mediawhore as he is.

Cuddy: Of course I am.  Itcouldn’t possibly be that I think he’s right and I’d like to be a small part ofwhat he’s doing.

House: Oh, whores can like thesex.  Doesn’t mean they’re not whores.  And with that eyeshadow… I am totallyscrewed, aren’t I?

Cuddy: Totally.  [She leaves.]

[Cut to Sebastian’s room.]

Cameron: How’re you feeling?

Sebastian: A little weak.

Cameron: You’re having a goodday.  The symptoms will quickly focus more and more on your lungs, you’ll findit difficult to talk and eventually breathe at all.

Sebastian: I think I know what Ihave to look forward to.

Cameron: I know.  I just came toask if you’d be willing to accept any treatment.

Sebastian: Naw, if you’re tryingto scare me into any –

Cameron: No.  Palliativetreatment.  Narcotics, Fentanyl patch, morphine drip, whatever it takes.  Wecan make your last days fairly comfortable.  And if you have another good day,maybe dinner.

Sebastian: [takes Cameron’s hand] Thank you.  [House notices the cozy scene and decides to intervene.]

House: You want third-worldtreatment? [turns up the thermostat]  You got it.  Boy, is it hot here in Jani!

Cameron: What are you doing?

House: What am I doing?  [Heknocks all of Sebastian’s things off of the tray of the bed.]  Puttingeverything on the floor of the hut.  Uh oh, wicked magic box with the movingpictures!

Cameron: You think he’s ahypocrite?

House: [unplugging the TV]  Hypocrite?  No, everyone in Africa’s got cell phones or running water. [Speaking of cell phones, it just got dropped in the toilet.  It’s a tight fit,though, so House prods it down the hole with his cane.]  Hah, this thing justwill not flush.

Sebastian: Do you really thinkthat if you come in here and make it a little hot, make it smell a little, thatI’m just going to fold and abandon everything that matters to me?

House: [wiping his cane onSebastian’s blanket] Lousy sanitation over there, too.  You are not the same asthem, your life is not the same.  And you are cheapening everything they’regoing through by pretending you are.

Sebastian: I am the same, I’m notspecial.

House: You can’t demand to betreated like any third-world sick person and call a press conference!

Sebastian: They treat me special! That doesn’t mean I am!  Now what kind of selfish jerk wouldn’t take advantage ofthat fact?

[Cut to the press conference.]

Sebastian: It’s all preventable. Stoia Tucker makes medications right here, in New Jersey.  They have warehousesfull of the stuff; there’s more than enough to go around.  So if I can getthem, why can’t Lemma?  Why can’t Quesmo?  And why can’t Sarni?  [He snaps.] Another person just died.  Where is your outrage?

[Cut to House snapping as hewatches the TV with Wilson in the coma patient’s room.]

Sebastian: [on TV] No, I have nointention of martyring myself, I’m just putting myself…

House: [keeps snapping] Sure,they’re dying, but it’s got a great b*at.

Wilson: Must be hot as hell underthose lights.

House: Yup.  [Foreman enters.]

Foreman: Hey, why the page?  Heokay?

House: He’s in a coma.  I need youto apologize to Ceci, Cecily…

Foreman: Mrs. Carter?  For what?

House: For whatever I did. 

Foreman: You didn’t do anything.

House: That has been my positionall along.

Cuddy: [on TV] X-rays arenegative, so he’s not contagious at this point, his condition’s currentlystable –

House: D’you notice how all theself-sacrificing women in history – Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa, can’t think ofany others – they all die alone.  The men on the other hand get so much fuzzit’s crazy.

Wilson: It’s an unfair world.

Foreman: House, she was scared andunreasonable.

House: Insulting a woman withbreast cancer – that’s a move best left to the pros.  Frankly, you don’t havethe chops.

Foreman: I didn’t insult her!  Idid the unnecessary biopsy, like she wanted.  [House moves to change the tinton the TV.] It was negative, like I knew it would be.

House: What did you do, call ‘emperky?  You are years away from mad skills [Ed. – m4d sk1llz?] like that.  Ineed you to apologize.

Foreman: You know, Cuddy’s onlydoing this because she thinks it’s you.

House: Welcome to the world. Everyone’s different, everyone gets treated different.  You try fighting that,you end up dying of TB.  [House hits the TV.]

Wilson: What are you doing?

House: Testing the patient’sautonomic nervous system.

Wilson: Of course.

House: His internal heating andventilation should be off, shouldn’t be able to sweat.  That’s why he’s gotthat awful body powder.  Take it away, crank up the heat, stick him under thelights, can’t cool himself.  He should be turning bright red.

Wilson: The picture’s fine. [House looks puzzled, and then leaves, leaving a puzzled Foreman and Wilson.]

[Back to the press conference.]

Sebastian: I’m asking Stoia Tuckerto save these lives, millions of lives.  Including my own.  [House barges in.] Dr. House, I would appreciate it if you left us alone. [House grabs a TV lightand shines it in Sebastian’s face.]  Get that out of my face.

[Back to the TV room.]

Cuddy: What are you trying toprove, House? [Foreman takes House’s chair and grabs some of Wilson’s chips.]

[Press conference.]

Sebastian: Dr. House, I wouldappreciate it if you left the room.

House: He’s sweating like a pig.

Cameron: It’s a hundred degrees inhere, House, because you turned up the thermostat.

Sebastian: Did they hear me?  Themedia, did they listen?

House: He’s disoriented.

Sebastian: They, they have to hearme.

House: His arteries are clampingdown.  [A monitor starts beeping.]

Cuddy: I want everybody out ofhere, now!

House: Get the crash cart, he’shaving a cardiac arrest!  [More beeping.]

Cuddy: Get them out!  Everyone, Iwant everyone out of here now!  [Nurses rush in, having to maneuver past the TVcameras.  Cameron gets the paddles.]

Cameron: Clear.  [She shocks him. Cuddy shakes her head.]  Come on, Sebastian.  Clear!  [Another shock.]

Cuddy: I’ve got sinus rhythm.

House: [in the camera’s face] Thatis not TV!

[TV room.]

Wilson: Compelling television.

[Cut to Sebastian’s room, nowcamera free.]

Sebastian: Do whatever tests youwant.

House: I want to treat you forTB.  Dr. Cameron found low sugar in your cerebrospinal fluid.  It’s a classicfinding of TB.

Sebastian: And now you think TB’sthe problem?

House: Nah.  TB caused cardiacarrest on a hot day, your work in Africa would be even more futile than italready is.

Sebastian: Can you get to yourpoint, please?

House: That white board in myoffice, we’re up to about a dozen symptoms now.  Cardiac arrest, clearly notTB.  CSF sugar clearly is TB.  The rest of them could go either way.  Unless weknow which ones are which I can’t diagnose you.  [He holds out the pills, whichSebastian takes and places on the tray next to him.]

Sebastian: I’ll take any othertests or treatments you might want to prescribe.

House: So you’re not special, butTB is.

Sebastian: People die of TBbecause we let them, it’s our choice.

House: People die of malariabecause we let them, they die of dysentery –

Sebastian: Nah, TB’s my disease.

House: You own a disease?  Well,I’m sorry I missed the IPO on dengue fever.

Sebastian: Look, I know I have away about me.  I know I piss a lot of people off, and a whole lot more I justannoy.  But you’re the first person that I’ve ever met who I think is actuallyannoyed by what I do.  Do you think I’m not saving any lives, or is that a badthing?

House: Right now, I’m just tryingto save your life.

Sebastian: Or do you just have aproblem with hope?  [House rolls his eyes.]  You know, the difference betweenour jobs is not numbers or styles.  It’s that I know I’m gonna fail.  Even if Isave a million people there’s gonna be another million.  You couldn’t handlethat.  I think you resent anyone who can.

House: Can’t we just agree thatyou’re incredibly annoying?  Take the pills or I let you die, do an autopsy,call my own press conference, and make sure the world knows that you didn’t dieof TB.  Corporate sponsors will be disappointed, but they’ll find anotherdisease.

Sebastian: Why would you do that?

House: Because I’m just a mean sonof a bitch.  [House leaves, and Sebastian takes the pills.]

[Cut to various scenes ofSebastian taking his medication like a good boy, various medical testsperformed by the Ducklings, and symptoms being crossed off or circled on thewhite board.]

[Cut to Diagnostics.]

House: So we still have to explainP-R variability, syncope, headaches, and… low sugar?

Foreman: That was classic TB.

Chase: Apparently not.

Cameron: You’ve rerun the test?

Chase: Yeah.

House: This is good!

Foreman: Good?  This is bizarre.

House: Bizarre is good!  Commonhas hundreds of explanations.  Bizarre has hardly any.

Cameron: What else could cause lowCSF sugar?

House: Uh-uh.  I get to ask thequestions.  I’ve found you look a lot smarter asking the questions than dumblynot answering.

Chase: High insulin levels in hisblood.

Cameron: They’d have to be veryhigh.

Chase: Okay, very high insulinlevels in his blood.

Cameron: How could he get highinsulin levels?  We’ve checked daily blood sugars, all normal!

House: See how smart she looks? Cause she asked the question.

Cameron: And it’s not glucagonomabecause he has no rash.  It’s not self-induced because he’s not an idiot, andit’s not a tumor because the CT and the MRI were both negative.

House: Which just leaves tumor. [He leaves, they all follow.]

Cameron: Why do you do this?  Whydo you ignore what I say like I’m not even –

House: Small tumor.  Really,really tiny.  So small we can’t see it.  Nesidioblastoma.

Chase: An abnormal growth of theinsulin-secreting glands of his pancreas?

Foreman: It only intermittentlysecretes insulin.

House:  It responds to stress. Like if, oh, I don’t know, if someone accidentally puts the mechanical bull on11.  [They pile into the elevator.]  Easily removed by surgery.

Cameron: Except, if it’s so smallwe can’t see it, how’re we even going to prove it’s there?

House: “She asked, lookingclever.” 

Cameron: We just start hackingaway at his pancreas until he gets better?

House: How do you prove somethingexists when you can’t see it?  Does God exist?  Does the wind blow?

Foreman: We know because theleaves move.

House: Look for effects.  [Theyget out of the elevator, where Cuddy and Cecelia are moving toward them.]

Foreman: Uh, we should look theother way.  It’s Cuddy with your patient.

House: Dr. House has an emergency.

Foreman: We can’t avoid herforever.

House: Eventually she’ll die.  Yousure she doesn’t have breast cancer?

[Cut to Sebastian lying on the ORtable.]

House: We think you have a tumor,easily removed surgically.  We’re going to poke it with a stick.

Sebastian: And if there’s notumor?

House: Nothing happens.  Splenicartery, it’s a hard left off the celiac.  [Chase goes for the artery.]

Sebastian:  If there is a tumor?

House: What usually happens whenyou poke something with a stick?  It pokes back.

Cameron: He’s stuck in thesuperior mesenteric.

House: I knew we should havestopped for directions.  Men.

Chase: I’m there.

House: We’re going to injectcalcium into your pancreas.  The beta cells will release insulin.  If there aretoo many beta cells because of a tumor, your blood sugar will dropprecipitously.

Sebastian: How do we know it won’tgo too low?

House: Fingers and toes crossed. [to Chase] Go ahead.  [Chase injects the calcium.  CGI sh*t of it entering theartery.]

Cameron: Glucose is holding steadyat 75.

House: No leaves rustling.  Blowharder.

Chase: I already gave him 1 amp.

House: Well, I guess now would bethe time to give him more than 1 amp.  [CGI of more calcium entering.]

Cameron: 50.  It’s starting todrop.  45.

Sebastian: I think my arm’sshaking.

Foreman: I’m gonna start him on aglucose drip.  He’s gonna seize

House: Not yet.

Foreman: He’s continuing to drop.

House: Not fast enough.  [Monitorbeeps.]

Cameron: He’s seizing.

Chase: We’ve got to reverse this.

Cameron: He’s at 40, 38, 35…[Monitor gets to 30, before -- ]

House: Push an amp of D-50, youwant to k*ll the guy?  [CGI of the meds entering the system.]

Cameron: We’re back to 40.

House: Congratulations, you have atumor.

[Cut to House and Cameron leavingthe elevator into the lobby.]

House: Are you gonna go out withhim?

Cameron: Is that any of yourbusiness?

House: Nope.

Cameron: I don’t think so.

House: Two days ago you wereholding his hand.  What’s changed?

Cameron: He practically lives in Africa,there’s no future.

House: On the other hand, maybethere’s too much of a future now.  You weren’t attracted to him because he wasprepared to die for a cause, you were attracted to him because he was actuallydoing it.

Cameron: Right.  It’s that simple.

House: That was simple?

Cameron: I put a label on them andgo from there.

House: Everybody does it.  We arewho people think we are.  People think he’s a great doctor so they give himstuff.

Cameron: He is a great doctor.

House: The reality is irrelevant. [House looks into the clinic and sees Cecelia sitting there.]  I’ll prove it. People who know me see me as an ass, treat me as an ass.  People who don’t knowme see a cripple, treat me as a cripple.  What kind of selfish jerk wouldn’ttake advantage of that fact?  [He enters the clinic, and walks by Cecelia,deliberately leaning his cane on her boot.]

Cecelia: Ow!

House: Oh, my goodness, are youokay?

Cecelia: Yeah.  [Cuddy comes toher door.]

House: [exaggerated, toward Cuddy] I am so sorry.  It was completely my fault.

Cecelia: It’s nothing, I’m fine.

House: Well, I’m very relieved, Ifeel terrible.

Cecelia: Don’t worry about it, I’mfine.

House: You sure?  Okay.  [Theyshake hands.  Cuddy and House make faces at each other.  As House leaves, Cuddywalks through her office door to Cecelia.]

Cuddy: How’s everything?

Cecelia: I’m gonna go.  My foot’skilling me.

Cuddy: Oh, what did you do?

Cecelia: It was nothing, it wasall my fault.  [She leaves.]

[Cut to Sebastian’s room, where heis packing and talking on a (new?) cell phone.]

Sebastian: [on phone] Yeah, listenFugawi, relax.  I’m gonna be back on Tuesday.  Tell Sarni I’m gonna bring her anew brace.  All right.  [He hangs up.  Cameron comes in with a wheelchair.] You get ‘em?

Cameron: Six month supply.  Shouldfix you right up.  See you when you come back for a refill?

Sebastian: Yeah, I’ll be back intwo months.

Cameron: You’re gonna give themaway?

Sebastian: Well, you know howthese things happen, you leave a bag in the airplane, drop some pills down thedrain…. I have an idea.  You could bring me the refill in Africa.

Cameron: I don’t think so.

Sebastian: You actually likeworking for House, you find this satisfying?  [He nods, gives her a little kisson the cheek, and they hug.  Aww.  Sebastian leaves as the closing musicstarts.]

[Cut to Sebastian leaving thehospital, and meeting the press outside.]

Sebastian: Thank you, thank you, Iappreciate that.  I appreciate the support.

[Cut to House and Wilson watchingfrom the balcony.]

House: It’s not aboutthe kids dying every 8 seconds, it’s about the media stroking.  Adulation andpats on the head.

Wilson: That’s yourproblem with him, isn’t it?

House: Look at him, heloves it.  Eats it up.

Wilson: Yeah, the manactually enjoys what he does.  [Pointed look.]

House: Listen, I savedhis life.  That means I get credit for every life he saves from here on out.

Wilson: I’ll make sure Stockholmknows.

[He leaves.]
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "02x04 - TB Or Not TB"}