Stinky: Is it A, Gastropods, B, Marsupials or C, Planaria?

Ben: Um...don't help me, here.

Stinky: I can't.

Ben: Um...It's A, that thing with gas.

Stinky: No, it's D, none of the above.

Ben: But you didn't even say that!

Stinky: I didn't think it was gonna be that.

Ben: Ask me another question.

Stinky: True or false, Marsupials carry their young in pouches.

Ben: Oh, that's gotta be false.I mean, where are these animals gonna buy pouches?And who's gonna sell 'em to 'em?

Carol: It's true Ben, it's true, you little rodent!

Ben: Carol, you're interrupting!

Carol: I can't help it.Ignorance nauseates me!If I haven't mentioned it before, let me mention it now; you're a real disappointment to me.

Ben: Did you come in here just to bug me?

Carol: Yes.

Stinky: Don't let her get you down.My whole family's disappointed in me for hanging out with you.

Ben: Ask me another question.

Stinky: What's the point?

Ben: Just ask me, OK!

Stinky: Ben, relax, this test only counts for half our grade.

Ben: Stinky, so far the other half of our grade's a D.

Stinky: Right, so the worst we can get is a D minus.

Ben: Oh, we're kidding ourselves.There's no way we're gonna pass this exam.

Stinky: Speak for yourself, I haven't got a single question wrong.

Ben: That's because you got the book right in front of you.

Maggie: Ben, Carol says you need my help.

Maggie: Well, I hope so, Ben; because if you bring home another D in Science, you'll see another side of me, you've never seen before.

Stinky: Does it have a pouch?

Ben: See Mom, we know this stuff so well, we're already telling jokes about it.Stinky just called you a Gasiopod.

Carol: Marsupial!Marsupial!

Ben: Well at least we know which animal has a blow whole, don't we, Carol?

Ben: A!

Stinky: No.

Ben: B.

Stinky锛?Uh uh.

Ben: C.

Stinky: Wrong.

Ben: D.

Stinky: Uh uh.

Ben: Well it's gotta be one of them.

Stinky: Trick question.

Ben: I don't need a trick question.I need an easy one.

Stinky: Was it just me, or was Laura-Lynn not wearing a bra today?

Ben: Stinky, that's not gonna be on the exam.And she was wearing a bra.

Stinky: No.You got that wrong too.

Vito: Yo guys!

Ben: Vito, don't tell me you're already done studying for tomorrow's exam.

Vito: Well, I thought about studying and then I decided to just say no.

Ben: Well then, how are you gonna pass the test?

Vito: Well, let's just say I got a relative in the ditto room.

Ben: You mean, you got the answers to our test!

Vito: Shh!Ben, I'd expect Stinky to say something stupid like that.

Stinky: You got the answers to our test!

Vito: Shh!Do you wanna stand here and give this fool-proof plan away, or do you wanna share the wealth?

Ben: But we could get caught!

Stinky: I can't risk that, my parents don't like me much as it is.

Vito: No, no, it's perfect.There's nothing to get caught with.You just memorise a few letters and you get an A.

Stinky: Wow.

Vito: So do you wanna A, stay here and study and fail the test anyways, or B, memorise a few letters and go and hang out at the err...leotard shop?

Ben: Finally a multiple choice question I can handle.

Vito: Alright!Yeah!

Stinky: Yeah!

Ben: See you at the test tomorrow guys.Mike, what are you doing.

Mike: I'm playing some hoops with my friends.

Ben: Pass it here, I'll play.

Mike: No, no, no.I don't think it'd be a good idea, Benny.

Ben: I've been watching girls trying on leotards for three hours, I gotta exercise.

Mike: Mom and Dad are inside waiting for you and they are mad.

Ben: At me?Why?

Mike: Well, I didn't here much, but it was something about you were supposed to be studying and then you skipped out.

Ben: Ah, well, what they don't know is that I got this test covered from top to bottom, and they don't have a clue.

Mike: Well, you better go and explain that to them because they think the reason you took off is because you found some fool-proof way to cheat.

Ben: How do they know these things?

Mike: Well Benny, I think it's time you were told; Mom and Dad are witches.

Ben: What?

Mike: Oh, come on, don't tell me you haven't suspected it.I mean haven't you heard those strange noises coming from their room at night.I mean and sometimes Dad's not even there!

Ben: Yeah.

Mike: Snap out of it, Ben.Benny, come on, the only reason they know you do this stuff is because you're a slimy little kid.

Ben: It shows, huh?

Mike: Benny, look, just because they know every move you're gonna make, there's no reason not to go through with this fool-proof plan of yours.

Ben: It isn't?

Mike: Of course it is.You're a walking d*ad man.

Ben: But you just said...

Mike: I know what I just said, but Benny, I like messing with your mind; it's one of the joys I have as your older brother.OK, now all things aside, when you go inside that house, don't panic, be very cool and don't crack.

Ben: Right!Right!

Mike: Alright, you can do it bro.

Ben: Alright, thanks a lot, Mike.

Mike: And don't be throw by the fact that they know every thought in your head before you even think it.

Ben: Thanks for nothing, Mike.And for your information, I can ha ndle Mom and Dad.I will be completely coo

Jason: How interesting.

Ben: Oh, Dad I just meant...

Maggie: The only thing I wanna hear from you young man is, what do you call the mammal that carries its young in a pouch?

Ben: Err...lucky.

Carol: Marsupial!Marsupial!

Ben: Carol, you're really starting to tick me off!

Jason: Correct me if I'm wrong; you're starting to lose your cool.

Ben: Dad, it never occurred to me to cheat.

Maggie: How do you expect to pass a test if you don't cheat?

Ben: Well, I...Huh?

Ben: So it's OK to cheat!

Jason: No, it is not OK to cheat.

Ben: Well...But you just said...

Jason: I know what I said, Ben.We're messing with your mind.It's one of the only joys we have as parents.

Maggie: Ben, you've been letting Science slide all semester and today, the day before the test you waste three hours doing God-knows-what!My guess is, watching women in tight outfits.

Ben: She is a witch.

Jason: What did you call your mother?

Jason: Alright, well here's your multiple choice, Ben.A, you can either stand here, keep talking about it and get yourself in deeper or B, you can go up to your room and study till you drop or C, you can pay me a million Dollars.If he goes for the million, I take you to dinner.

Ben: OK, the main factor in the dinosaurs extinction was A, the movement of glaciers, B, the evolution of mammals, C, the green house effect or D, no one knows.Err...B, the evolution of mammals.Survey says, no one knows.Well then what are you asking me for, like I'm gonna know.

Vito: Ben, what are you doing sitting up studying?You got the answer sheet in your pocket.Doesn't that bed look mighty comfortable.

Ben: I can't cheat, Vito, they're on to me.

Vito: Your not thinking.You don't have to get 'em all right.Just make sure you get a couple wrong.

Ben: But how do I do that?

Vito: Just be yourself.

Mike: They're witches Ben, they're witches.

Maggie: Ben, you bring home another D in Science, you'll see a side of me, you have never seen before!

Carol: Ben, if I haven't mentioned it before, let me mention it now; you're a real disappointment to me and the other marsupials.

Vito: Come on Ben, cheat!

Stinky: Yeah, Ben, cheat!

Jason: Of course it's not OK to cheat!

Vito: Hey, who'll know?

Mike: They're witches, Ben.

Stinky: What else can you do?

Carol: Marsupial!Marsupial!

Maggie: And your little dog too.

Leotard Girl: And one and two and three!

Ben: Who are you?

Leotard Girl: Well, I'm the girl from the leotard shop who you thought would look good in your room.

Ben: I never said that out loud.

Leotard Girl: Ben, you can A, wrestle with ethical dilemma of cheating, B, study the other two hundred and sixty pages that you ignored this semester or C, watch me aerobicise.

Ben: Is there a D?

Jason: There will be if you don't wake up!

Jason: Ben, wake up!

Ben: Aarrghh!Dad, you're not a woman!

Jason: Not for years.You OK, Ben?

Ben: Um...yeah, I guess I've just been cramming so hard, I'm delirious.

Jason: You've bee cramming so hard, you were asleep.

Ben: Ah, well I knew it was one of the two.

Jason: Yeah.So, can I help you with anything?

Ben: Dad, isn't Science something you never even use in real life, anyway?

Jason: Pretty tough question to ask a Doctor, Ben.

Ben: Oh, right, sorry, I keep forgetting what you do.

Jason: Well let me see if I can help you a little, Ben.Maybe I can quiz you, OK?Let's take a look here, first question is...Is this a cheat sheet?

Ben: False.

Jason: Wrong.

Ben: D, none of the above.

Jason: Oh, come on Ben, we went through all this downstairs.

Ben: I know we did and I'm not gonna cheat.

Jason: Well then what do you still have this for?

Ben: Well, good question.

Jason: Well, I hope you got a good answer.

Ben: OK, Dad, I was originally gonna cheat.But only because the other guys were.

Jason: OK, one more time!I don't care if everybody else at that school cheats Ben, you don't!'Cause cheaters don't win and they always get exactly what they deserve.

Ben: Yes sir.

Jason: Now come on, let's go!Forget that nonsense, Ben, you can do it!Study hard, h*t those books!Let's get the best grade you can.I have faith in you!

Vito: Hey Ben, you are never gonna believe this.I dreamed that the girl from the leotard shop showed up in my room and aerobicised for me.

Ben: You too!

Stinky: You guys aren't gonna believe the dream I had.

Ben: Girl from the leotard shop.

Vito: Aerobicising in your room.

Vito: Stinky, you are on sick little dude.

Stinky: Thanks.Ben, you look like doggy doo.

Ben: I should, I was up till four studying.

Vito: Why would you study till four?You got the cheat sheet.

Ben: I'm not using it, OK?

Stinky: Why?

Ben: Let's just say, my parents are witches.

Teacher: Attention, Science students.I have some bad news!There was a disaster in the ditto room and...your tests have been destroyed.

Students: Yeah!

Teacher: Just kidding.I'm messing with your minds, it's one of the few joys of being a teacher.OK, keep your eyes on your paper.Keep your arms and legs inside the car and fasten your seatbelts, it's gonna be a bumpy ride!

Ben: (In his head) Which of these four is not a marsupial?A, kangaroo, B, wombat, C, a possum D, your sister.Oh, I'm so confused.Sure, they're happy now, but cheaters never win.Eventually they're gonna get an A.

Ben: (In his head) Mom, Dad, the first thing that my report card will show you is that I didn't cheat.Na, I can do better than that.You know, I dont' think my report card is that important in light of the recent events in the Soviet Union.Na, if I mention the Soviet Union, they're gonna bring up my grade in Current Events.OK, now the best thing to do is not to mention my report card at all; just keep it under my hat and try to see which way the wind blows.Yeah, I think I can do that.

Mike: Yo, Benny!

Ben: Hey, Mike, what are you doing here?

Mike: Having lunch with my friends.

Ben: Are Mom and Dad around?

Mike: Ah...report card day.

Ben: How do you know?

Mike: Hey Benny, I can smell the fear in the air...smells like defeat.

Ben: Mike, what are you doing here?You moved out and you spend more time here than I do.Get a life!

Ben: Nobody can help.

Mike: Look, it's never as bad as it seems.You have enough money for a bus ticket out of town?

Ben: It's not that bad.I got an A in health.

Mike: Ooh, Benny that's bad.

Ben: Why?

Mike: Because it shows 'em that you can do it if you want to.And it makes every other grade look like a bitter failure.

Ben: Failures!What failures?My lowest grade is a D.

Mike: Oh, D is worse than an F.

Ben: How do you figure?

Mike: Alright.Well, you got an F, one line on the side makes it an A.There aint a heck of a lot you can do with a D.

Carol: Hi guys!Mmm, smells like report card day.So, is it you, Mike, or Ben?Or is it both of you?

Ben: Calm down, Carol, it's just me.

Carol: Oh, well as long as you did the best you could, Mom and Dad won't get too upset.

Mike: Carol, go pump your sunshine some place else, OK?I mean the boy is twisting in the wind here.

Jason: So, how's every body this fine...(Sniffing) Report card day.

Carol: I'll get Mom.

Ben: Thank you Carol.

Mike: Listen Ben, I gotta run!

Ben: You're leaving!

Mike: Yeah, well I don't want any of what's coming your way to land on me.

Maggie: Ben, we don't get upset as long as you do your best, but a D is not your best and you know it.

Jason: You're starting high school next year, Ben, it's only gonna get tougher.I hope this two week grounding is gonna impress upon you the fact that you cannot let a class slide all sememster and then suddenly catch up in one night.

Maggie: That means, no TV, no hanging out after school with your friends.You are up in your room studying.

Ben: Perhaps you over-looked my A in Health.

Maggie: That only proves that you can do it if you want to.

Jason: And if you can't pull up that D on your final report card, you're gonna be doing time in summer school.

Ben: Um...you know I could've gotten an A.

Jason: By cheating Ben!Is that what you're brining up now?

Ben: Um...no...

Jason: Come on, Ben.You know what happens to cheaters.

Ben: Yeah, yeah, they never win.

Maggie: Exactly.

Ben: Is that rule, they never win or they hardly ever win?Because...

Vito: Yo, Benny!

Maggie: OK, Ben, we won't embarrass you in front of your little friend.Go tell Vito that your grounding starts right now and that he has to leave.

Jason: Damn, what's with that kid?Who does he remind you of?

Maggie: Mike.

Jason: Exactly.Of course, he turned out alright.

Maggie: No he didn't.

Ben: Hi guys, look I...

Vito: We just wanted to tell you more good news; when our parents saw our report cards, they gave us money.

Stinky: Come on Ben, let me buy you a freezy Weezy.

Ben: Look, I'm not going anywhere for two weeks; I'm grounded.

Vito: Well, you got nobody to blame but yourself.You could have aced that test like we did.

Ben: I know Vito, I know.

Stinky: So, why the heck didn't you?

Ben: Because I was stupid enough to believe my father when he told me cheaters never win.

Vito: Oh, Ben, Ben, Ben, where you been?Parents lie all the time.My folks told my all kinds of crazy stuff that aint true.

Stinky: Every night when my Mom goes to tuck me in, she tells me I'm tall.

Ben: Look, I gotta go.

Vito: Look on the bright side.At least you learned that when you want the truth you come to your friends...no your old man.

Ben: You said it.

Jason: Well, I'm glad I'm not being graded on my performance for the last twenty four hours.

Maggie: Oh, Jason, you were wonderful.

Jason: I'm not talking about last night.

Maggie: Neither was I.

Jason: Got a minute?

Ben: A minute!I believe I got two weeks.

Jason: Well I've got to apologise, I've made a terrible mistake.

Jason: No, no, wait, wait, wait, Ben.Grounding you was the only thing I did right.

Ben: Oh, so it's gonna be one of those talks.

Jason: Those talks!

Ben: Nothing.Go on.

Jason: Well, the...advice I gave you last week about cheating Ben, was...wrong.

Ben: Sure was.

Jason: I'm not saying it was wrong...it was incomplete.

Ben: Oh, so it is gonna be one of those talks.

Ben: Not only do they win, they win cash.

Jason: Sometimes it's even bigger than that.Sometimes they win gold medals at the Olympics; on a rare occasion they even win the White House.

Ben: Dad, I'm not following this.I mean, if you can cheat, and get away with it, then what's wrong with it?

Jason: Ben, the way you see cheating really depends on how you see the whole world.

Ben: I don't understand it at all.I got a D in Science, remember?

Jason: Look...why are we on this earth, Ben?What's the point of our lives.You know, I mean we all have to make a choice, you either see things as order or chaos.And if you see the world as chaos, then there's no point in life at all.You know, nothing matters.We're all just a bunch of people running around we're bumping into each other, having fun, making noises till we die.We're just taking up space, Ben, and I can't believe in that.Well look, if you see...if you see the world as having order, Ben, then there's a reason to everything.There's a reason to get up in the morning, there's a reason to make something of your life; there's a reason for learning, Ben, it all fits together.And if learning is important, Ben, then cheating is wrong.

Ben: Even when you get away with it?

Jason: What's getting away with it?

Ben: Not getting caught.

Jason: Which means?

Ben: Getting an A.

Jason: So does what does the A mean?

Ben: Ten Bucks!

Jason: So what does it mean you've learned?

Ben: Nothing!

Jason: Well then you've been cheating for nothing!

Ben: Yes!

Jason: What's the point in it?

Ben: Does there have to be a point?

Jason: Yes Ben, or there's chaos!

Ben: So, you're saying there should be point in what I'm doing all the time!

Jason: Yes.

Ben: I don't think I like being talked to as an adult.

Jason: Well sometimes none of us do.

Ben: Dad, has anyone really given this chaos thing a fair chance?

Jason: Mike came close.Are you getting any of this?

Ben: Ah, well, I'm starting to realise that cheaters really don't win, but I couldn't explain it.

Jason: Well then you're exactly where I was two weeks ago when I couldn't explain it to you.

Ben: Wait a minute...if the point of school's really learning stuff, then I gotta do homework every night, and I gotta study all the time, and I gotta be...

Jason: W...w...wait, wait, hold on, one step at a time, Ben.I don't want you exploding on me.Look...what I want you to realise, Ben is that it's time for you to make a choice...order or chaos.Well, I think we've had our first adult conversation.

Ben: Yeah.We did, didn't we?Do you promise we don't have to have another one for a real long time?

Jason: Deal.

Ben: Dad, is there any chance that our conversation means I'm not grounded any more?

Jason: No chance at all.

Ben: Just checking.If there's a point to every thing, maybe that blonde woman in the leotard will be back, and I can teach her something about order...like following 'em.

Jason: No Ben.

Ben: Worth a sh*t.
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "05x22 - Cheating"}