HOTEL EXTERIOR -- DAY

A valet drives a convertible to the front door J.D. exits.

J.D.'s Narration: Since my apartment's roof collapsed, I was living in a hotel.

He slickly slides down the handrail.

J.D.: [Falling] Woog, whoa!

Hopping to his feet, the valet tosses him the keys to the Porsche.

J.D.'s Narration: But that's not the only thing that's changed around here.

Jet's "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" blares.

Cut to...

PORSCHE -- EN ROUTE

J.D. checks his reflection in the rearview mirror.

J.D.'s Narration: Now that I'm an attending, I'm a licensed bad-ass.

Meanwhile...

NORTH COUNTY UNIVERSITY MEDICAL CENTER (NCUMC) -- MAIN ENTRANCE

Elliot walks in to work.

J.D.'s Narration: Elliot actually works at a different hospital. She's trying to lay low at first.

She hides her face in her white coat from some passing colleagues.

Elliot: [Tripping and falling] Whooooa!

Meanwhile...

TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- BEDROOM

Carla runs in with a sandwich for Turk.

J.D.'s Narration: And Turk and Carla are trying to make a baby.

Carla: Here you go, baby. [Climbs into bed, undoing her robe.] I know you like foreplay, but I only have five minutes, so I made you a sandwich.

Turk: [Transfixed] That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen.

Carla: Over here, Turk.

Turk: [Pulling his eyes from the sandwich] My bad, baby.

He takes a bite and climbs into bed.

Back to...

PORSCHE -- STOP LIGHT

J.D.'s Narration: Yep! Life was different.

An out of breath guy on foot catches up with him.

Guy: Hey! Did you take my Porsche from the valet?

J.D.'s Thoughts: This didn't feel like my scooter.

Time Lapse...

J.D. runs his finger over the paint one last time, getting a swift slap on the hand from the guy.

J.D.: Ow! Look, no harm done. Here are your driving glasses...[hands them over]...here's your driving scarf...[hands that]...and here are your driving gloves. [After receiving those, the guy still waits.] Fine...here's your driving sock. [Pulls it from the front of his pants and hands it over.]

The guy takes the sock and crams it into his pants as he heads for the driver's side of his car.

J.D.'s Narration: I didn't care. Because now that I'm an attending, I had picked out a whole new look.

Cut to...

SACRED HEART -- ADMISSIONS

J.D. and Cox stand next to each other at the front desk, going over their morning charts and wearing the exact same grey scrub bottoms and tight blue tee.

J.D.: Good morning, colleagues!

Dr. Cox: Oh, absolutely not.

J.D.: Ohh, what, Tall, Dark and Scary? I can wear whatever the hell I-- [Cox holds up a hand, flicking the fingers.] What are you doing?

Dr. Cox: [Still flicking] This is my new imaginary warning light. Whenever it starts blinking, a situation has ten seconds to resolve itself before I flash white with rage and k*ll someone.

One, two, three, four --

J.D. rushes off.

Time Lapse...

J.D. returns, with his tee shirt knotted around his head.

Dr. Cox: -- seven, eight, nine, and ten.

J.D.: I had a little trouble getting my Baby Gap tee-shirt off.

Dr. Cox: It'll happen.

He shoulder checks J.D. on his way past.

J.D.: Ow.

The Janitor comes up behind J.D. and jerks the wadded tee off his head.

J.D.: Aaaaauuugh! Okay, I'm--you know, I'm gonna--I'm gonna go with "ow."

Janitor: How depressing is it being you? Would you equate it to being a life-long Cub fan, or being born without lips?

J.D.: Born without lips.

Janitor: I know a guy. His house just b*rned down.

J.D.: How sad.

Janitor: Well, he was smoking in bed. He shouldn't smoke...'cause he looks ridiculous. [Pulling lips back and holding an imaginary cigarette] "I have a snake face!"

J.D.: Listen, today if you bother me, could you do it without being around me? I have new interns starting. Can you imagine what it must be like to see this place through their eyes for the first time?

Cut to...

SACRED HEART -- EXTERIOR

The Finn Brothers' "Anything Can Happen" opens as our view changes to the first-person perspective of an arriving intern, soon to be known as Keith, who takes a deep breath and steps off his shuttle bus at the Emergency Entrance.

Todd stops him.

Todd: [Pointing] Something on your shirt, kid.

Keith: [Looks down] Uh? [Todd does a nose flick] Uh!

Todd: Ha-ha-ha! Classic!

Keith chuckles uneasily.

Keith: [Spotting Jordan] Heeey....

Jordan: Sparky, it's five dollars a minute to stare in public. It's free in private...[purrs]

Frazzled, Keith whacks into the closing a*t*matic door.

He recovers and enters, passing Dr. Kelso and Ted.

Dr. Kelso: You're gonna love it here, sport.

Ted: Get out while you still can.

Keith: Uh...

Ted: Seriously, get out while you still can.

Nurse Roberts approaches.

Nurse Roberts: Junior? Have you seen Johnny? You know, Alzheimer's patient, likes to tackle people?

Intern: [Shaking head] Mmmm...mm-mm.

Nurse Roberts: Has anybody seen Johnny, the tackling Alzheimer's patient?

Keith finds J.D.

J.D.: Hey! You must be Keith.

Keith: Uh, heh.

J.D.: Don't look so nervous, buddy. I got your back.

Johnny: [Tackling J.D.] WHO AM I!!!???

J.D.: Whaaaagggghhh!

Nurse Roberts: [Turning to Keith] I found him.

===

OPENING THEME

COMMERCIALS

===

SACRED HEART -- I.C.U.

J.D. faces Keith.

J.D.: Someone's close enough for a hair-mussing!

He makes a funny noise as he musses Keith's hair into his eyes.

Intern: Wuh! Heh heh! [Pushes the hair back] Hmmm.

J.D.: Heh! Dynamite bangs! [Turns to the others and walks over to a bed] Hey, guys! Follow me. Listen, if you're having trouble finding a vein for an IV, please don't page me. If you're desperate, we're lucky -- this is a city hospital, there are plenty of heroin addicts who are quite adept at this. Did you find a vein, there, Reverend Mayhem?

Keith looks over at the rough-looking fellow patient who just placed the IV.

Reverend Mayhem: [Heading back to his bed] No problem.

J.D.: Okay, good work, buddy. Stay in school.

[To the patient] Mr. Kellerman! How're you feeling?

Mr. Kellerman: Not great.

J.D.: Well, that's probably why you're here! Ha!

[Leading the interns back to the desk] Humor is a great ice-breaker for patients, okay? Follow me.

Mr. Kellerman has congestive heart failure. Okay, Lisa, I want you to start him on diuretics -- okay? -- that way we'll loosen up some of the fluid around his lungs. The good news is he'll go home tomorrow. The bad news is, if he's not here, he won't move up the heart transplant list. See, in medicine there are lots of Catch-22s, a phrase made famous, I believe, by an old fisherman who would stay out fishing until he caught -- how many fish? anybody? -- that's right, twenty-two. See, in 1492, Columbus--

Dr. Cox: Newbie! If you loved the sound of your very own voice any more, you would probably just sit in a little room all day and sing to yourself.

J.D.: [To the interns] Oh, you guys can skedaddle.

They turn and head out, Keith in the direct line of Dr. Kelso, who enters the unit.

Dr. Kelso: [In Keith's face] Booga booga!

Keith: Gah!

Cox and J.D. grimace as the interns continue on past Kelso.

Dr. Kelso: [Chuckles] I love interns. Gentlemen, a reminder: As attendings, you are expected to turn in your insurance paperwork and your required urine sample by tomorrow.

Dr. Cox: Bob, I'm not planning on doing any paperwork. But I did go ahead and leave my urine sample on your driver's side car door.

Dr. Kelso: Perry, your lips, my ass -- they should meet.

Dorian, after four years, I can only hope you are no longer following in his footsteps.

J.D.: I turned in my paperwork already, but I'm gonna wait till tomorrow to turn in my urine sample out of respect to the fellas in the lab.... [Hushed tone] There's an asparagus issue.

Dr. Kelso: Now there's an answer that warrants a half-sincere pat on the shoulder.

He gives a couple of pats and heads out.

J.D.: Thanks, Dr. Kelso!

[To Cox] You know, he said "half-sincere" but I'm pretty sure it was full-sincere. Feel my shoulder -- it's still warm.

Dr. Cox: Lindsay, by you reaching the level of attending physician, you have somehow managed to become a member of a club that I belong to. [Chuckles] Obviously there was no vote. Because if there had been, you would still hear the sound of my voice screaming, "Nay, nay, oh, dear God, one thousand times nay!" That being said, it's my obligation to let you in on the organization's one and only bylaw: We're men.

J.D.: Yes, we are.

Dr. Cox: ...The women are men. The children are men. The men -- of course -- men! So, I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five Man Cards. [Shoves some 3x5s with the word "Man" on them into J.D.'s hand.] Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise, I'm going to take one from you.

J.D.: I don't need your approval, or your stupid "Man Cards"! Although the lettering is darling. Have you ever done calligraphy?

Dr. Cox: [Snatching one] Thank you.

J.D.: Dammit!

===

THEATRE BOX OFFICE -- EARLY EVENING

A sweaty Turk laboriously lugs his overstuffed backpack to the window and knocks on the glass.

J.D.'s Narration: That night, since we were low on cash, Turk snuck me into the movies.

Turk: [Gasping] One, please!

Flash to...

TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- EVENING

Turk and J.D. sneak in the front door of the dark apartment.

J.D.'s Narration: Afterwards, we talked about my living arrangements.

J.D.: [Quiet] Are you sure about this?

Turk: [Quiet] You shouldn't stay in a hotel, so why don't you just stay here until you find a place.

J.D.: [Quiet] Carla was pretty psyched to get rid of me. Are you gonna tell her?

Turk: [Quiet] I don't know. Whatta you think?

The bedroom door opens, and a sleepy Carla looks out.

Carla: Turk? Is that you?

There's frantic zipping, and Turk stands up to face Carla with the overstuffed backpack strapped on.

Turk: [Gasping] Yes. I'll be right in, baby.

Carla: [Going back in] Mm. Mmkay.

Turk drops the backpack on the table and unzips the cover to reveal J.D. all squished against an arm and a foot.

J.D.: Ahhh. Dude, you left your gym shorts in here!

Turk: Look, I gotta sex her up. I'll be back as quick as I can -- so it'd be about a hour and a half.

J.D.: Wai-wai-wai-wai-wait! Could you just quickly scratch my nose? [Turk does so, which makes J.D.'s foot twitch.]

Oooh. Okay...okay.... [Turk closes the backpack.] Don't zip me! [Ziiiip!] Up!

Turk pats the backpack and runs off to the bedroom.

J.D.: [Wiggling and grumbling inside the pack] Turk! Turk! [The pack falls off the table] Whoo-whoa-oooog!

===

SACRED HEART -- CAFETERIA -- THE NEXT DAY

Elliot sits across from Turk and Carla, who openly canoodle.

Elliot: I'm a little sick of the Turks.

A turban-clad man at the next table turns around.

Omar: Excuse me?

Elliot: Heh, not you, Omar. I love your people.

I'm talking about their lovey-dovey crap.

Carla: Oh, babe, I borrowed your backpack this morning and all my change fell out the bottom.

J.D.: [Arriving to take the seat next to Elliot] Maybe someone or something had to gnaw a hole in it to keep from suffocating.

Turk: Maybe someone already apologized for that about a hundred times.

J.D.: Well, maybe a hundred wasn't enough? I don't know.

Dr. Cox: [Stops on his way past, grabbing a Man Card from J.D.'s pocket, slapping him in the forehead with it] Absolutely no lovers' quarrels.

J.D.: Dammit!

Turk: Elliot, by the way, what are you doing here?

Carla: Oh, she hasn't talked to anybody at her new hospital yet.

Elliot: How did this conversation become about me?

J.D.: The Turks are sneaky.... Not you guys -- I think Omar took my pudding.

He sneaks a peek at the other table, where Omar is enjoying some pudding.

Omar: Mmmmm.

J.D.: [Calls over to the interns' table] Hey, Keith!

Keith: Uhhhh?

J.D.: Can I get your pudding?

Keith grabs the cup off his tray and tosses it to J.D.

J.D.: [Impressed by the power] Interns....

Elliot: Mm!

Carla: Elliot, you should be excited about meeting people over there. You could totally reinvent yourself.

Elliot: You're right! [Stands] I'm gonna tell them that I am the most perfect doctor ever who never needs anyone's help with anything!

She excitedly goes off.

Turk: That'll end well.

Dude!

J.D. slaps Omar's hand away from his pudding.

J.D.: [Scolding in Turkish]

Subtitle: That's my pudding Omar!

J.D.: This guy's unbelievable!

===

SACRED HEART -- I.C.U.

J.D. has his interns gathered. Keith eyes the "TO DO LIST" he has on his clipboard, the only item being "find courage to talk."

J.D.: Okay, guys, for some reason Mr. Kellerman's fluid situation isn't getting any better. I think we should be more aggressive. Keith?

Keith: Uhhh?

J.D.: Why don't you go get a Lasix drip.

Keith starts down the hall.

J.D.: Other way, Keith!

Keith clears his throat as he heads the other way.

J.D. leads the rest of the group down the hall.

J.D.: [Reading one of their charts] Oh, Jason...when you're filling out a female patient's exam report, her breasts can be "healthy" or "unhealthy" -- never "bangin' double-Ds."

The interns titter as he hands the clipboard back.

Jason: There's so much paperwork. My dad was a veterinarian, and he never had to do any. Sometimes I wish this place were more like a horse hospital.

***FANTASY***

SACRED HEART HORSE -- HOSPITAL FOR HUMANS -- I.C.U.

The door opens, where everything pretty much looks the same, but all the staff carry around g*n.

J.D. carries his to the bed of a patient whose broken leg is in a sling.

J.D.: I'm sorry, Mr. Larson, but I do not like the look of that leg.

Mr. Larson whinnies as J.D. cocks the r*fle.

BANG!

***BACK TO REALITY***

J.D.: ...We would have better hours.

All right, g*ng, get out of here.

The interns break up.

Deep in the nearby Nurses' Station, the Janitor focuses a digital camera.

J.D.: Hey, everybody? Great work today!

The Janitor snaps J.D.'s thumb's up pose.

Janitor: How do you bother someone without being around them? That is the question.

He ducks into the Copy Room, where we hear the copier and some heavy-duty cutting.

The Janitor emerges with a life-size cardboard cut-out of J.D. with his thumb's up.

Dr. Kelso: [Passing] Dorian, I'm paying you to work, not stand around acting like The Fonz.

Janitor: Perfect.

===

TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- BATHROOM

J.D. is at the sink brushing his teeth.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Being Turk's secret roommate was going great...[there's a knock at the door]...until now.

Carla: [Outside the door] Turk? I'm leaving for work.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay. You've been working on your Turk impression since college. Time to shine!

Carla: Turk?

J.D. [With Turk's voice] Baby, I'll be thinking about your lovelies and whatnot until the second I see you, but right now, I'm doing my business.

Carla: [Heading out the door] Don't forget to use the Glade!

Once the front door slams shut, J.D. comes out of the bathroom, and Turk crawls out from his hiding place under the table.

Turk: Dude! That's the best it's ever sounded!

J.D.: I thought she was gone?

Turk: Nah, she came back for a quickie. All this baby stuff, man, I feel like she rushed me into it. Tell you the truth, I'm not even sure I'm ready.

J.D.: Well, you better get ready, she's been off The Pill for like a week.

Turk hums guiltily.

J.D.: What have you done?

***FLASHBACK***

BEDROOM

Turk opens his eyes and positions a pill in the air over his sleeping wife's slightly open mouth. He aims, and drops. Carla coughs slightly on the pill before settling back to sleep.

***BACK TO PRESENT***

Turk: Think she'll be mad?

J.D.'s eyes widen.

===

NCUMC -- NURSES' STATION

Elliot waits for the a*t*matic coffee machine to fill her cup. It smartly does so, but stupidly keeps running even after her cup runneth over. She sticks another cup under the flow.

Nurse: Dr. Reid? Need some help?

Elliot: [Nonchalant] Heh, I don't need anyone's help, thank you.

The nurse continues on.

Elliot: [Hissing at the machine] Stop running!

She slips a third cup under the stream as her fellowship director approaches.

Director: Doctor? [Elliot looks up with a small throat clear and pasted smile.] Do you know where the Foley caths are?

Elliot: Sir, I know where everything is.... [Grabs the third cup; the machine keeps pouring.] Be right back.

He goes on.

Elliot: [Hissing] Stupid coffee robot! Frick!

She rushes out of the hospital, driving and running all the way over to...

SACRED HEART -- SUPPLY CLOSET

She opens the door to Keith, who's hiding in here.

Elliot: Don't sweat it, kid. I used to hide here when I worked at this place. I'm in a fellowship now, heh. Um, Foley caths, please. [He hands her a box.] Thanks.

She high tails it back to...

NCUMC

Careful not to slip on the puddle of coffee on the floor, she breathlessly delivers the package to the waiting director.

Director: Thanks. Could you also grab a number six needle?

Elliot: [Heading back out] Ahhhh!

Frick fricky frick frick!

===

SACRED HEART -- ROOF A

The Janitor is finishing setting up his J.D. cut-out.

Janitor: Nice ass, grandma!

He ducks.

The female patient seen in the adjacent window, with her open-backed gown, turns to see "J.D." out there giving her a thumb's up.

She screams.

Cut to...

HALL

J.D. walks past the woman's room.

J.D.'s Narration: That screaming patient would have to wait. I had bigger problems!

Follow to...

I.C.U.

J.D. interrupts his working interns.

J.D.: Hey, Keith! I just called upstairs to see how Mr. Kellerman was doing? And get this -- the nurse told me you never even started him on a Lasix drip. And Lisa! Imagine my surprise when she told me you never even increased his diuretic in the first place! I'm forced to ask, are you people trained K*llers?

Say something, Keith!

Keith: [Consulting his "TO DO LIST"] Uh...I...eh...uh...

Jason: Dr. Dorian, if he gets bad enough and we have to put him on inotropes, he'll jump to the top of the transplant list and get a new heart.

J.D.'s Thoughts: They're messing up on purpose?

J.D.: Who told you guys to do this?

J.D.'s Narration: There's a lotta ways to get caught...

Meanwhile...

FRONT DESK

Turk feeds Carla a bite of brownie.

J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes you get caught because you couldn't slip your wife her pill last night, so you had to feed her one of your special homemade brownies.

Carla: [Dropping a pill in front of him] What's that?

Turk: Oh, that? That's a tiny marshmallow with writing on it.

Meanwhile...

SUPPLY CLOSET

Elliot holds an armload of supplies.

J.D.'s Narration: Still, if you don't panic, you can get away with it.

She's startled by Dr. Kelso opening the door.

Elliot: Just...doing some inventory...sir. Heh.

Dr. Kelso: [Smiles] That's why I'm glad you work here, sweetheart.

Elliot: Heh.

Back to...

I.C.U.

J.D. waves some charts in Keith's face.

J.D.: Come on, guys? Who put you up to this?

J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I caught my culprit because he made the classic mistake of returning to the scene of the crime. [Dr. Cox arrives with a whistle.] And all because I, too, had been eating Turk's special homemade brownies.

Dr. Cox: Angie, my buddy down in the lab just told me that your urinalysis came back positive for the birth control pill. So! I will be taking one of...[grabs a Man Card from J.D.'s pocket]...these.

[Heads out.] Thank you!

J.D.: [Under breath] Dammit!

He glares at Keith.

===

COMMERCIALS

===

CAFETERIA

Keith stares down at his feet.

J.D.: Keith, look at me. [Keith looks up into the faces of J.D. and Cox.] Did he specifically tell you to disregard my orders?

Keith freaks as, behind J.D., Dr. Cox makes thr*at gestures.

J.D. turns to look.

Dr. Cox: Aw, what the hell. I was doing this [makes the choking gesture] and mouthing "I'll k*ll you" -- [to Keith] which I will if you don't get out of here. Go on, get.

Keith escapes down the hall, where he finds a man with an oxygen mask. He desperately reaches out for it, but Ted, sitting next to the man, grabs it first.

Ted: I saw it first. [Inhales deeply from the mask.] Long day.

Cut to...

CAFETERIA

J.D. and Cox face each other.

Dr. Cox: Newbie, I did tell them to ignore you and let Mr. Kellerman get worse. And you wanna know something? I'd do it again.

He walks off. J.D. goes in the other direction.

Meanwhile...

Turk carries his tray over to a table where Carla and Elliot sit.

Carla: [On Turk's arrival, pointedly stands] Bye, Elliot.

Turk: Look, I know I agreed to have a baby, but you were offering sex at the time. I would have agreed to anything!

Carla snorts angrily at him, grabbing a fork off his tray and wielding it menacingly.

Elliot: Carla, no.

Carla drops the fork and grabs the milk off his tray. She does a cocky head bob and storms off.

Turk: NOOO! [Slumps into his seat.] She knows I can't eat without my strawberry milk. You should've just let her fork me!

Elliot: I...think that's how you got into trouble in the first place! Heh, whazzup!

Todd turns from the next table and meets her raised hand with his.

Todd: Euphemism five!

Elliot: [To Turk] His vocabulary's gotten so much better!

Turk: Elliot, why are you here!?

Elliot: Oh, I have to make Kelso think I still work here so he doesn't have me arrested for stealing medical supplies. By the by, what would you have done if you couldn't give Carla The Pill?

Turk: I'd-a faked it.

Elliot: Guys can't fake it.

Turk: Really? Does this sound familiar? "Ohh, oh, baby, we're going all night. No, wait, don't move!" ...Sorry.

Elliot: [Reliving past trauma] Way too familiar....

===

I.C.U.

Dr. Cox is signing a chart for a nurse.

J.D. arrives.

J.D.: Hey.

Dr. Cox: [Handing the chart to the nurse] Thank you.

J.D.: You know what I've been doing? I mean, besides listening to my Alanis Morissette CD to get pumped up to talk to you? [Hands over a Man card] Here.

Dr. Cox: [Takes it] K'you.

J.D.: I've been thinking about how completely ridiculous it is that you would take Mr. Kellerman's life into your hands without talking to him.

Dr. Cox: Well, I did talk to him.

Mr. Kellerman: He did.

Dr. Cox: Patients who stay low on the heart transplant list die waiting for one. This way, he moves up to the top of the list, come on!

J.D.: Then why didn't you tell me?

Dr. Cox: Because you're an attending now. And that doesn't just mean a fat bank account, expensive new toys, and a fancy lawyer on retainer for when you k*ll a prost*tute. From now on, the buck stops with you. And I know that you have occasionally bent the rules in this dump over the past couple of years, but you only did it because you knew when the crap started raining down it was damn sure gonna fall on my head. But now, the only way for you to stay out of the trouble storm is for you to go by the book. And I got news for you on that front: By-the-book attendings k*ll us up here. Newbie, I couldn't tell you about Kellerman 'cause I don't know what kind of attending you're gonna be.

J.D.: Allow me to thank you for giving me the opportunity to prove myself. You know what? [Removes a card from his pocket, and flings it at Cox.] This is my last one -- here, take it. Whatever happens to this poor guy is on you.

He storms out.

===

TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- THE NEXT DAY

Turk is bonding with Rowdy.

J.D.'s Narration: The next morning was not good. Carla was not talking to Turk [she glares at him from the couch], Elliot had dropped by to help not talk to Turk [next to Carla, Elliot also glares], and I was sneaking out in my undies because my clothes were downstairs in the dryer.

As he's doing this, Elliot whips around at the sound of the opening front door.

Elliot: J.D.?!

J.D.: ["Entering"] Morning, friends! Who's ready for some java?

Carla: Are you wearing boxers?

J.D.: Yes, I am, Carla! Because I know when Turk's sad, he likes me to come over in my boxers, because he likes to call me his "h*nky adonis." And that's what friends do.

Carla

&: [Shrugging] Eh.

Elliot

J.D.'s Thoughts: They bought it? Are we that gay?

Turk: [Pointing at the material peeking out of J.D.'s shorts] What's that?

J.D.: [Pulling it out] Oh, that's my new driving sock. You can borrow.

Turk: Actually, J.D.'s been living here secretly.

J.D.: Turk, why!?!

Turk: Because I gotta get those damn judgmental eyes off me!

Carla and Elliot angrily stare at the wall.

"Turk": J.D. didn't want to live here, I begged him.

Carla: Is that true?

Turk: I didn't say that -- J.D. can do my voice.

Elliot: Hey, it's getting good!

J.D.: Well, thank you! Aw, I lost it....

Carla: Ah, you three are ridiculous.

She angrily stands to face them.

Elliot: Hey! I'm just here to grab a ride to work.

Carla: At a hospital where you don't actually work! [To Turk] And you?

Turk: How am I supposed to tell you that I'm not ready to have a baby when you're so excited?

Carla: [To J.D.] And you secretly moving back in here?

Now, I really don't love being den-mother to you three -- [they give her a hard look] -- fine, it's like crack to me. Still, let me ask you something: Why are you three so afraid of moving on!?

She goes into her room and slams the door.

J.D. picks up a nearby baking pan.

Turk: Dude, you're still eating those brownies!

J.D.: [Taking a bite] I don't wanna get pregnant! sh**t.

===

I.C.U.

Dr. Kelso watches as Mr. Kellerman is wheeled out.

Dr. Kelso: So you're going to a university for a transplant! Well, come back and see us, okay!

[To the ward] Who the hell is responsible for not treating that man?

Dr. Cox: Well, Bobbo, I was going to treat him, but I lost my stethoscope, and that's--

J.D.: He's my patient, Bob! I'm responsible.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, I have kept my mouth shut about all the recent sexual harassment complaints because I don't think it's fair to punish a man for making small talk...or, say, asking his secretary just once to dress up as a geisha girl and call him Kelso-san....

J.D.: What?

Dr. Kelso: Nothing. But now I need to know: Is this the type of attending you're going to be?

J.D.: I guess so.

Dr. Kelso: Anything else?

J.D. takes a long sip out of the coffee cup in his hands.

J.D.'s Thoughts: I could tell him there's nothing in my cup and I'm just pretending to drink to seem nonchalant...

J.D.: No.

He turns and heads out.

J.D.'s Narration: ...But instead I was thinking about what Carla said about moving on. And I wasn't the only one.

Elliot comes up next to Kelso to watch after J.D.

Dr. Kelso: Well, at least there's one attending around here I can count on.

Elliot: Ah, the hell with it, Bob. I don't work here! [Slaps her chart into his arms.] Have a good one!

She walks out.

Dr. Kelso: I hate this place.

Dr. Cox: [Stepping next to him] It hates you, Bob.

===

TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT

We see a close-up of the bowl as Carla flushes her pills down the toilet.

She joins Turk on the couch in the living room, and grabs a cookie off a nearby plate.

Carla: That's it. All my birth control pills are gone.

Turk: Not exactly. That fig newton you're about to eat is not only fat-free but it's baby-free!

Carla: [Spits out her bite] I just don't get it, Turk.

Turk: Look, we had sex twenty times in eight days, and I bet it's because you sensed my hesitance.

Carla: I just want a baby so badly....

Turk: Why? What's it gonna be like having a baby?

Carla: Dr. Cox says it's like having a dog that slowly learns how to talk.

Turk: Awesome!

Carla: Right? And I come from a big family, and I love that.

Turk: Me too!

Carla: [Turns to look into the kitchen] And...every time we sit at the kitchen table, I feel like someone's missing.

Turk: [Turns to look] I can see him....

They kiss.

Behind them, J.D., in boxers and a backpack, sneaks past.

Carla: J.D.!

J.D.: Gotta make a quick twosie!

===

CAFETERIA

J.D. enters to find the Janitor setting up a group of about seven cut-outs of him captured in various degrees of embarrassing poses.

J.D.: This explains a lot.

Janitor: Hey! Meet your volleyball team. They're terrible.

Cox enters.

Dr. Cox: Newbie! I heard your voice.

He stops to survey the group of cut-outs in an attempt to find the real J.D.

The Janitor helpfully points, and Cox zeroes in on his target.

J.D.: [To Janitor, as he steps forward] Thanks for nothin', ass-face.

Dr. Cox: [Presenting a card] I'm gonna go ahead and give you back one of these Man Cards. You deserve it.

J.D.: [Taking it] Wow. ...Wanna hug?

Dr. Cox: [Taking it back and ripping it up] You held on to it as long as you could, didn't you.

J.D.: I'm gonna have a good year, aren't I?

Dr. Cox: [Throwing the card confetti] Anything can happen.

He leaves.

The Finn Brothers' "Anything Can Happen" resumes.

J.D.'s Narration: And I knew he was right...

Janitor: [Sneaking one of the cut-outs behind J.D.] 'Scuse me.

J.D.: [Freaking and punching the cut-out] Aaaggghh!

J.D.'s Narration: ...for all of us.

Meanwhile...

NCUMC -- NURSES' STATION

Elliot approaches some co-workers, knocking a vase off the lifting countertop on her way, in true Elliot fashion.

Nurse: Oh, Dr. Reid, are you joining us for lunch today?

Elliot: [Taking a seat and opening her bag] Ahhh...anyone want half a tofu-cheese sandwich?

Meanwhile...

TURK AND CARLA'S APARTMENT -- BEDROOM

The couple lie in bed, trying to will a miracle.

Turk: 'Kay, repeat after me: Boy, boy, boy, very tall boy.

Carla: Boy, boy, boy, very tall boy.

Turk: Boy, boy...

Carla: Boy, boy...

Turk: ...very tall boy.

Carla: ...veeery tall boy.

Meanwhile...

SACRED HEART -- EXTERIOR

Keith exits the a*t*matic doors, encountering J.D. on the wheelchair ramp.

J.D.: Goodnight, Keith. Hey, keep your head up, you're doing a good job.

Keith: Thanks for everything, Dr. Dorian.

He takes out his "TO DO LIST" and checks off that one lonely item, "find courage to talk," before boarding the shuttle bus.

Taking his seat, he sees J.D. giving a friendly wave. From nowhere, a pajama-clad man rushes at J.D.

Johnny: [Tackling J.D.] WHO AM I!?!?!

J.D.: Aaauuugh!

Fade to Black
{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x01 - My Intern's Eyes"}