ELLIOT'S APARTMENT -- BATHROOM

As rain splatters against the window, we open on an ambient iPod system with "TOTO" in the display. The band's song "Africa" fills the air. We slowly pan across the pastel, candlelit room.

J.D.'s Narration: Living with Elliot was certainly different. Every inch of her apartment was filled with girly stuff. There were lavender-scented candles...pink robes...bath salts.... It. Was. Awesome! [Reveal J.D. lounging in a bubble bath with a pink towel wrapped around his head.] My first day off in weeks. Only one thing could make it better -- cranking up the Toto.

He grabs the remote resting on the edge of the tub and makes the adjustment, totally throwing himself into the song.

J.D.: [Singing] I bless the rains down in Africa! Ah buh buh-buh buh buhhhh! [Picks a tin off the edge of the tub and reads it] "Mango body butter"? [Opens the tin and takes a sniff.] Hmmmmm!

He scoops a bit of the goop out of the tin and tastes it.

Just then, his beeper goes off.

Cut to...

SACRED HEART -- PARKING LOT

J.D. drives his scooter across the wet asphalt.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Even though it sucks being paged by an intern, there's nothing I like more than riding my scooter, Sasha, through puddles after a rain. And here comes a big'un!

He braces to ride across the wide puddle, which he falls into with a splash, completely disappearing.

A few feet away is a similar puddle, which J.D. sputters out of.

J.D.: Where was I!?!?

Cut to...

HALLWAY

The still dripping J.D. comes in and confronts the Janitor.

J.D.: You're not aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the hospital, are you? I think I saw a manatee....

Janitor: Was his name Julian?

J.D.: We didn't exchange pleasantries.

Janitor: That's Julian. [J.D. sort of nods as Janitor bends down to the lines on the floor] Watch it -- wet paint. Kelso's startin' a new line system to help people get around. Green's gonna go to the smoker's lounge; blue, the I.C.U.; yellow to all the exits.

J.D.: What's red for?

Janitor: Sneaker painting.

He aims his airbrush at J.D.'s shoes and covers them with paint.

Cut to...

I.C.U. -- WARD

J.D. enters in his new ruby shoes, approaching Keith at a patient's bed.

J.D.: Okay, I'm here. What's the emergency, Keith?

Keith: Well, do you want Mr. Fleming on unfractionated or low molecular weight heparin?

J.D.: They're the exact same thing. Every doctor here knows that. Why would you page me?

Dr. Cox grinnily comes up behind him.

Dr. Cox: Because I told him to. And I know what you're thinking, Dorothy: Why would I have your intern call you in on one of your very precious days off for something so gosh-darn trivial? Well, the real question ought to be, Why when you were an intern did you call me in time after time after time after time! So, now, to commemorate the first of many unnecessary disruptions of your life, I've invited Laverne's church choir here to summarize my feelings in exuberant song.

He draws back the privacy curtain to reveal a twelve person choir in fancy gold robes, led by Nurse Roberts. They sing and clap in time:

Choir: [Singing] Payback is a bitch!

Nurse Roberts: [Singing] Mmmmm-mmm!

Choir: [Singing] Payback is a bitch!

Dr. Cox raises a hand and bops to the music.

Nurse Roberts: [Singing] Ohhhh!

Choir: [Singing] Payback is a bitch!

Nurse Roberts: [Singing] Heeeeey!

J.D. sh**t a look at Keith, who's also digging it.

Choir: [Singing] Payback is a bitch!

Ohhhhhhhhh....ooooooooooooooooooooh!

Nurse Roberts: [Singing] It's just the beginning. But it's payback! Ah, it's payback! Ohhh!

Choir: [Singing] Payback is a bitch!

Nurse Roberts: [Singing] Payback!

Choir: [Singing] Payback is a bitch!

Nurse Roberts: [Singing] Payback!

Choir: [Singing] Payback is a bitch!

Nurse Roberts: [Singing] Oh, Lord!

Choir: [Singing] Payback is a bitch!

===

OPENING THEME

COMMERCIALS

===

FIRST FLOOR HALL / ADMISSIONS

J.D. sneaks through and hides behind the doorway to survey the admissions area.

J.D.'s Thoughts: I gotta get back home before anyone asks me to do stuff. [Spots a large man] FAT GUY! Go! Go! Go! Move out! Move out!

He follows along hiding behind the man to get out the front door.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Thank you, fast food industry.

As soon as he's out the door, Dr. Kelso arrives and ushers him back in, leading him back down the hall.

Dr. Kelso: Dorian, I need you to do the residents' call schedules for next month.

J.D.: Sir, I'm not even supposed to be here.

Dr. Kelso: Ahhh, me neither, son. I was one of the most promising young shortstops ever to come out of Altoona, Pennsylvania. Then came the Dominicans. Long story short, calling them all Pepe was apparently just r*cist enough to get me a life-long ban from the Appalachian Rookie League.

Have the schedules on my desk by lunch.

He whacks the binder he's carrying into J.D.'s arms.

===

NURSES' STATION

Carla and Turk watch a young couple in the hall interact with their baby.

Carla: Aww, that's gonna be us someday.

Turk: How does that not make you nervous!? I mean, what if our kid's out of control? Like, I was watching 'Webster' last night, right? And Webster got all into the pancake mix. And baby, I mean all into the pancake mix!

Behind him, J.D. looks up from his typing work.

Carla: Oh, Turk, that's a stupid sitcom!

Turk and J.D. gasp with offense.

Carla: I mean, that's a sitcom.

Turk: What if the second our baby's born, I start screwing things up?

J.D. looks off.

***FANTASY***

SACRED HEART NURSERY

In a room full of basinettes, Turk stands over the one in the corner of the room.

Turk: [Cooing] Oh, my God. Hey, little dawg! Ohh, I can't believe it!

He picks the baby up into his arms and turns, knocking the basinette over, which in turn knocks all the others over, domino-style. The babies wail.

***BACK TO REALITY***

Jordan arrives, carrying Jack in her arms.

Jordan: Okay, either the heat in my office is broken, or I drifted off and fantasized about Rudy Giulliani again.

Turk: Haha! He's not even sexy! Right, baby?

Carla: [Eyes closed, biting her finger] Aye, Rudy, don't stop....

Turk: Baby!

Carla: Huh?

Jack snickers. (But probably not at Turk and Carla. The joke wasn't that funny.)

Jordan: Relax! She's only fantasizing 'cause you don't satisfy her!

Anyhoo, can someone take Jack for a minute?

Carla: No problem!

She rushes over to take Jack from Jordan.

Jordan: Thank you.

Carla: [Under breath to Jack] Aw, come on. [To Turk] See, Turk, I'm great with kids! And I promise, you don't even have to check in as a parent until you have to teach our son about sports.

Turk: And satisfying women. 'Cause I know how to satisfy a woman, right, baby?

Carla: [Preoccupied with Jack] I'm sure you can.

Turk: That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

He goes off back to work.

J.D.: [Striking the keyboard dramatically] Done! And I am outta here!

[His beeper goes off, he looks at it.]

Dammit!

Cut to...

I.C.U. -- WARD

Keith is standing frozen at the foot of a patient's bed as J.D. arrives.

J.D.: Keith, you've got to stop paging me for totally unimportant things! [Noticing the patient] Ohhhhh! That man's chest cavity is completely open! I can see his heart beating!

Keith: He sneezed and all his surgical staples popped out!

J.D.: Good page, Keith. Good page!

He pushes Keith towards the man so they can fix the problem.

Behind them, Elliot leads her interns through.

Elliot: Okay, rocktors -- heh, that's my name for doctors who rock [does "devil horns"] -- next patient!

J.D.'s Narration: Ever since her fellowship, Elliot loved that her interns saw her as an endocrinology expert.

Male Intern: Dr. Reid, why would Mr. Baum develop new onset diabetes and high blood pressure simultaneously?

Elliot: Well, as an endocrinology expert, heh, in my expert opinion, both can be expertly explained by a pituitary adenoma causing Cushing's syndrome.

Dr. Cox: [Forcing his way into the group] Hate to burst your bubble, there, Barbie, but your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days. Granted, to you, five days may seem like an eternity seeing as it's roughly five times as long as any of your white, pasty relationships have lasted. But trust me, that hardly makes you an expert.

Elliot: Oh, really? Because you never went to ass-face school, but you seem to be an expert at that! [Holds up a hand] Am I right?

J.D.: [Runs up to give her the five] Here's some!

Elliot giggles.

Dr. Cox: You're going to high-five that? Bi-hig mistake.

He storms off.

J.D.: I didn't know what I was high-fiving! I gotta stop doing that!

Elliot: [Detecting his breath] Did you...eat my mango body butter?

J.D.: No!

J.D.'s Thoughts: [Licking his lips] I shmeared it on a bagel.

===

DR. KELSO'S OFFICE

Turk pokes his head in the open door, hardly drawing Kelso's attention from his paperwork.

Turk: Dr. Kelso! 'Sup. [Enters and stands in front of the desk.] Look, I just heard that we're doing our first ever in-house heart transplant. Now, I know you'll be objective in choosing which surgical resident gets to assist. But! I also thought you might enjoy this commemorative Dr. Kelso bobble head. [Pulls it from behind his back] Huh?!

Dr. Kelso: [Grinning like a kid] Ahh, bobble heads! [Turk sets it on the desk.] You always think you're gonna get bored with 'em, but you never do.

[Flicking the head of the toy and jiggling his face along with] Bobbly bobbly bobbly bobbly bobbly bobbly bobbly bobbly bobbly bob--

Turk: Sir!

Dr. Kelso: Eh? Oh! Turkleton, you're still here! Did you honestly think you'd be the only surgeon to walk in here and try to bribe me?

He gestures to the back of the room, and Turk turns to see the whole wall lined with smiling, waving green-scrubbed doctors, each holding a token gift of some kind -- boxes, baskets, jewelry cases, event tickets, and Todd with a blow-up doll.

Todd: Inflatable five! [Fives the doll and snaps.]

Dr. Kelso: [Standing with a chart] None of you will be assisting on anything, because we still don't have a donor heart. Last night, Mr. Bolger here was declared brain-d*ad. We have to convince his family to pull the plug and give us his heart. Whichever one of you Benihana rejects pulls this off gets the operation.

They all stare at him.

Dr. Kelso: Go!

They scatter.

===

I.C.U. WARD

J.D. is busily working on his patient as Ted steps up next to him.

Ted: My band has decided we're only singing songs from classic movies now.

J.D.: Ted! [Holds up his blood-covered hands] I'm a little busy, okay? Toodles!

Ted sulks off and J.D. goes back to work.

Elliot and one of her interns walk in.

Female Intern: Dr. Reid, what are the possible cardiac complications to thyrotoxicosis?

Elliot: [Coughs] Hm! Um, hold on, I just have to blow my nose....

She walks over to the bedside table and picks up the tissue box.

J.D.'s Narration: Even though I was happy for Elliot, the endocrinology expert, I still couldn't figure out how she knew so damn much.

As Elliot frantically skims the medical text pasted to the bottom of the tissue box, the blind in the observation window in front of her raises, revealing Ted and his band inside, practicing one of their new songs.

Ted: [Singing] Just a steel town girl on a Saturday night lookin' for the fight of her life...

Elliot: [Slapping the box down] Ahem. Uh, to answer your question, thyrotoxicosis can manifest with incessant tachycardia leading to a cardiomyopathy.

She dantilly dabs her nose with the tissue.

As the band continues singing, the scene goes into montage mode, interspersed with cuts of the band.

Ted: [Singing] ...locking rhythm with the b*at of her heart, changing music into light...

HALL

Elliot excuses herself from an intern to duck into a supply closet, where she knocks over some supplies on a shelf to peer at a text-book propped in the back.

Ted: [Singing] ...she has danced into the danger zone, when the dancer becomes the dance. It can cut you like a Kn*fe, if the gift becomes the f*re, on a wire between will and what will be!

I.C.U.

Elliot nonchalantly nods at a passing coworker then frantically tilts the slats on the observation window blinds to reveal anatomical resource sheets printed on them.

Ted: [Dumping a water pitcher over his head, singing] ...She's a maniac! Maniac on the floor! And she's dancin' like she's never danced before!

WARD

Elliot skims some text pasted in the bottom of a spare bedpan.

The band fades out as Elliot turns to a bed where Dr. Cox has several interns gathered.

Dr. Cox: Therefore, Mr. Langley's pancreatitis is most likely secondary to gallstones.

Elliot: [Bangs the bedpan] Wrong-o, Perry! Mr. Langley's pancreatitis is most likely due to type 1 familial hyperlipoproteinemia as demonstrated by the eruptive xanthomas on his achilles tendon!

She reveals the patient's leg with a flourish.

Interns: Ooooooh!

Dr. Cox: Interns! Flee! Now!

[They do so, and he turns to Elliot.]

Now there is just no way you could have known that off the top of that straw-covered scarecrow head of yours!

Elliot: Ah! Hold on! I need to take a quick mental picture of your total humiliation! [Pantomimes using a camera, clicking teeth.] Got it.

Dr. Cox: There--there are actually many things in life that I've yet to figure out, like why men wear cellphones on their belt when they could so easily fit them in their pocket mere millimeters away. Or why -- and I'm not complaining -- women wear tube-tops even though every ten seconds it makes them do this: [Grabs at his tee-shirt, as if hiking it up over imaginary breasts] Get back in there! [He starts heading out the door] But, of all my endless queries, the one thing I damn sure will figure out -- and soon -- is how you keep coming up with all these fancy-pants answers. It is, for all intents and purposes, like they're falling from the sky.

He finally leaves, with Elliot smugly enjoying her moment.

===

HALL / NURSES' STATION

Carla walks through with a pile of charts in one arm and a fussing Jack in the other.

Carla: Excuse me, can anybody else watch this kid for a second?

She stops briefly at the Nurses' Station, which is completely deserted.

Carla: Ohh!

She continues on.

As soon as she's cleared, everyone, including Turk and Nurse Roberts, pop back up from their hiding places.

Turk: She'll be all right. I wonder what's taking Jordan so long?

Meanwhile...

JORDAN'S OFFICE

Jordan pops into frame, looking wilted and miserable.

Jordan: Oh my God! It's like a hundred and thirty degrees in here! [Grabs at the thermostat control, which rips off the wall] Ah! I have got to get out of here!

She heads for the door, pulling the handle right off. She turns, her lips swollen to three times their usual size.

Jordan: [Sighs] Hmmmmm! I think the silicone in my lips is expanding! [Groans.]

Meanwhile...

NURSES' STATION

Turk: Anyway, I gotta talk to the Bolger family about getting their son's heart, but I can't find 'em anywhere.

Nurse Roberts: Oh, they're in the doctors' lounge.

Turk: Oh my God, Laverne, I love you! Listen, if any other surgeon asks about them, you send them someplace else -- the cafeteria, the zoo, I don't care! I'm goin' to get my heart!

He leaps over the desk and heads towards his goal.

Cut to...

DOCTORS' LOUNGE

Turk faces Mr. and Mrs. Bolger.

Mr. Bolger: We're just not sure, Dr. Turk.

J.D.'s Narration: When a career-making opportunity is slipping through their fingers, even a doctor can succumb to one of the basest human impulses.

Turk: You know, I've donated an organ.

J.D.'s Narration: They can lie.

Turk: See, my buddy? He was--he was sick. And so I gave him one of my kidneys.

Mr. Bolger: But my son has only one heart.

Turk: But, uh...a short time after that...I donated my other kidney.

Mr. Bolger: We're gonna check on our son.

They leave the room.

Turk sighs to himself.

===

HALL

J.D. cautiously glances over his shoulder as he follows one of the freshly-painted yellow lines to the exit.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, the coast is clear. Just a few more steps and you're outta here.

Jack can be heard crying as Carla whips around the nearby desk and approaches J.D.

Carla: J.D.! I need to talk to someone. [Pushes Jack into the arms of the nearby Janitor] Here. Take him.

Janitor: What?

Carla: Yep.

J.D.: [As Carla grabs him] But I'm not even, um--

Carla: No, come on.

Janitor: Hey, wait! No!

===

CAFETERIA

Dr. Kelso approaches the table Elliot shares with a couple of her interns.

Dr. Kelso: Eh, Dr. Reid, our hospital lecture series is tonight, and our psychologist, Dr. Burke, had to cancel his talk on fear of public speaking.

Elliot: Why, because he's afraid of speaking in public? [To the interns] Heh. Yeah.

Dr. Kelso: No, uh, his depression finally got the best of him, and he hung himself.

Elliot stares, speechless.

Dr. Kelso: Anyhoo! We need a speaker, and Dr. Cox suggested you'd be the perfect person for an intensive Q&A on endocrinology. Be in the classroom at six.

He leaves.

Dr. Cox: [Piping up from a nearby table] And, Barbie, say, if it's cold in there, you can just borrow my labcoat. It's super warm, because I lined it with these...

[Stands and opens his coat, revealing a bunch of medical resource sheets.]

Ta-daaa!

Elliot: [Horrified] Um....

===

HALL

J.D. and Carla walk through.

Carla: J.D., I have to admit this to somebody: I don't like kids!

J.D.: What are you talking about? You're the most maternal person I know.

Carla: Well, I'm a nurse, J.D. I'm trained to fake it! I just don't see what's so adorable; I mean, "Yay! You made a poopy in the potty!" I'm supposed to be impressed? There's a monkey at the zoo who can do that. I mean, you know, when he's not playing with himself.

J.D.: Well, if you don't wanna have a baby, Carla, don't have a baby.

Carla: But, J.D., I wanna have a child with Turk more than anything in the world. I know it's crazy, but I'm a girl -- that's how we roll. What am I gonna do? I'm supposed to be the brave one!

An elevator arrives as they pass, and Turk steps out, joining them in step.

Turk: Dude, you gotta help me out.

Carla surreptitiously gives J.D. the "shh" gesture.

J.D.'s Narration: A hospital can sometimes feel like a magical place, where peoples' hopes and dreams are often far from ordinary.

They pass the Nurses' Station where Elliot pulls an info sheet out of the paper towel dispenser and joins them in step, immersed in her literature.

The hummed strains of "We're Off to See the Wizard" are heard.

J.D.'s Narration: [Focus on Elliot] Whether they're looking for brains... [focus on Turk] a heart... [focus on Carla] or courage.

They pass the open door where Ted and his band practice the tune.

Narration: As for me, I was just gonna keep on following that yellow line...and hope I'd eventually get back home.

Ahead of them, the yellow line takes on the magical appearance of a yellow brick road.

The g*ng together head out the door.

===

COMMERCIALS

===

SACRED HEART -- I.C.U.

Nurse Roberts and Todd walk through.

Nurse Roberts: So, how was the zoo?

Todd: It was awesome! They had lions and tigers and bears-- [spots a hot cheerleader holding an icepack] oh, my! Hey there!

Nearby, J.D. and Turk stare into the Bolger room, where the man stands over his unconscious son.

Turk: Dude, it was awful. I couldn't stop lying to them. I only have two moves! If surgery goes well, the fake modest nod and wink. [Demonstrates, clicking teeth.] Now, if surgery goes bad and the guy dies, there's always the headshake-sad-walk-away.

J.D.: Turk! [Holds up his iPod] Toto and I are going home.

Turk: Fine!

Sad piano music plays as Turk sadly shakes his head and turns.

J.D.: [Interrupting the music] Okay! I'll help!

Turk: [Happily returning] Thank you! Now, how do I tell these people they should let their son go?

J.D.: Just try and imagine what they're going through. I mean, sometimes I think about what it's gonna be like when you die.

Turk: Because you think I'm going first due to my diabetes.

J.D.: Right. And where do we meet up in Heaven?

Turk: At the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud!

J.D.: I'll see you there, playah! I love religion. The point is, Turk, if someone tried to pull the plug on you without being totally honest with me, you know where they'd end up?

Turk: In Hell, watching 'The View'!

J.D.: Next to the super high, unreachable cupcake table.

They nod at each other knowingly.

===

ELEVATOR -- SECOND FLOOR

Doug wheels a gurney carrying a full body bag onto the elevator.

J.D.'s Narration: After trying to get out of the hospital vertically, I decided to go the horizontal route -- hiding in a body bag.

Doug presses the button and the doors close. He casually buffs his badge.

J.D.: [Muffled from inside the bag] Can you press "Lobby" please?

Doug: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Doug frantically grabs the f*re extinguisher off the wall and beats the bag with it.

J.D.: OW! OWWWW! OW!!!! [Pulling the bag from his face] DOUG! Why are you hitting me!?!?

Doug: 'Cause I thought you were a d*ad guy coming back to life!

J.D.: [Thinks.] Then why were you hitting me!?!?!

Doug: [Near tears] d*ad people should be d*ad!

The doors open on the first floor, where Elliot rushes in and grabs J.D.'s gurney.

Elliot: Here you are! Come on!

J.D.: No, no! Elliot! I'm not even supposed to be here today; I'm going home!

Flash across the lined floor to...

ANOTHER HALL

Dr. Cox and Carla walk through.

Dr. Cox: So, if I understand correctly, you left my only child with a creepy borderline psychotic who hates everyone.

Carla: How is that different from leaving him with you?

Dr. Cox: I have freckles.

They stop in front of the Janitor, who holds a screwdriver in his mouth while he uses another to fix a door hinge.

Janitor: [Muffled] Oil can. Oil can! [Carla grabs it off the counter and hands it to him.] Thank you.

Dr. Cox: Hey, you. Where's my son?

Janitor: Oh, he's playing with the birds out on the ledge.

Carla: [Gasps] What!?

Janitor: I'm kidding! Come on! He's green!

He pushes a bin out of the way to reveal Jack covered head to toe in green paint. The little munchkin waves and giggles like a fiend.

Dr. Cox: [Grumbles and picks up his son] Come on.

He carries the giggling kid down the hall.

Janitor: [To Carla] Yeah...the little nipper got ahold of a paint g*n when I was painting this green line down to the smoker's lounge. Thanks to

 him, I only got halfway down.

He glances down the hall a few yards where the line comes to a sharp stop. Gathered at the end are several smokers, including Dr. Kelso and a Hispanic gentleman.

Dr. Kelso: You look familiar. You ever play ball in Pennsylvania?

[The man shakes his head.]

Pepe...?

===

I.C.U.

Turk stares into the Bolger room, where the father sits watching over his son.

He braces himself and enters the room, where he's met with an icy glare.

Turk: Mr. Bolger, look...before you throw me outta here, I just want to apologize about earlier. Um...I don't know what I was thinking. But rest assured, from here on out, whatever you ask me, I will be completely honest with you.

Mr. Bolger: Do you shave your head because you like the way it looks, or because you're going bald?

Turk: ...Bald....

Mr. Bolger: Okay, next question --

Turk: With all those topical treatments, let's just say I wasn't completely functional [gestures to his midsection].

Mr. Bolger: [Stands] -- why are all surgical residents being so relentless about my son's heart?

Turk: Because whichever one of us convinces you to pull the plug and donate his heart gets to assist in the transplant.

Mr. Bolger: You're talking about my son, here. And you don't even know him....

Turk: What's his name?

Mr. Bolger: Ray.

Turk: How you doin', Ray?

[The father strokes his unresponsive son's shoulder.]

Now ask me if I think it's the right thing to do, even if you request that I don't assist.

Mr. Bolger: Do you?

Turk: Yes.

[The man's chin quivers.]

I'm really sorry.

After a moment, he leaves the man with his son.

===

HALL

Elliot stands in front of J.D.

Elliot: J.D.! There is no way that I'm gonna be able to pull this off! In a few hours, I'm going to have a room full of specialists f*ring questions at me! I'm gonna be a bigger fraud than Barry Bonds!

J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, you know he's an athlete of some kind. Just say something general!

J.D.: Still, I love it when Bonds wins at the game that he plays....

[Elliot gives him a look.]

Look, Elliot, you know how people become specialists? They obsess about the material over and over again, until it becomes lodged into their brains. And that's exactly what you've been doing! Watch. Where's the closest page you've hidden around here?

She hikes up his shirt, revealing a page taped to his abdomen.

J.D.: Wha? You are good!

[Peels it off and reads it.]

All right, look: What's the...leading differential in an obese woman suffering from amenorrhea and hirsutism?

Elliot: Polycystic ovaries. Oh my God, I knew it! Ha! [Raises hand] Up here!

He gives her the five and she laughs.

Follow the lines on the floor to...

HALL / SCRUB ROOM

Searching, Carla enters.

Carla: Dr. Cox?

A familiar silhouette is seen behind a yellow privacy curtain.

Dr. Cox: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Carla whips the curtain back to reveal Dr. Cox with Jack, who he's changed into a spare scrub top and rubs with a towel to remove the last remnants of green paint.

Carla: Why aren't you freaking out? Look at him -- your kid's like all green and slimy.

Dr. Cox: Well, I suppose it's because when Jordan was pregnant, I ment*lly prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and...slimy.

Carla: Where is Jordan, anyway?

Dr. Cox: The wicked witch of the east wing?

Meanwhile...

JORDAN'S OFFICE

Jordan bangs on the tiny window in the door, steam from her broken heater swirling around her.

Jordan: Help! I'm melting in here! [Collapses to the floor] Anyone! Help! I'm melting...!

Meanwhile...

SCRUB ROOM

Dr. Cox: So he's green. Don't b*at yourself up, Carla. Come on, so far on my watch, he's gotten stitches, cut his own hair, and eaten over four dollars in change. [Partially to Jack] Honestly, if I ever need to feed the parking meter, I just check the diaper, don't I?

Carla comes around the glass partition to face him directly.

Carla: You don't understand. I didn't dump him on the Janitor because I was busy. I dumped him on him because he was working my last nerve and I wanted to smoosh his face. I'm not meant for this.

Dr. Cox: Carla, look at me and Jordan. You know how we hate everyone?

Carla: [Snickers] Yeah.

Dr. Cox: Well, that goes doubly for children. It's true. They're loud, you can't understand them -- they're...they're like tiny cab drivers. [Carla kinda laughs, and Cox pulls the mostly pink Jack into his arms.] But, trust me, when you do have your own kid, you won't feel that way.

Carla: Yeah? Why? What'll be different?

Dr. Cox: [Grinning at the little face pressed against his] He'll be yours.

Carla smiles at the pair.

===

DOCTORS' LOUNGE

Turk is lying on the couch, a sitcom blaring on the TV, as Kelso comes in.

Spotting Turk, Kelso turns off the set.

Turk: Sir, I was watching that.

Dr. Kelso: Well, why don't I just tell you what happened: Uncle Phillip gets Webster the dog despite George and Ma'am's objections. It was a good one. Now, on your feet. They need you in the O.R. to assist on the heart transplant.

Turk: [Standing, confused] The Bolgers said yes?

Dr. Kelso: Mr. Bolger wanted you to have this.

He hands Turk a card.

Turk: His son's driver's license?

Dr. Kelso: Turn it over.

J.D.'s Narration: Every so often, a wizard comes along and tells you exactly what you need to hear.

Turk turns the license over to reveal a small heart-shaped icon on the back which reads "DONOR".

Dr. Kelso: [Smiling] Seems like you had a heart all along!

He leaves Turk to take in the gift.

The opening ukulele strains of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" come up.

Meanwhile...

LECTURE ROOM

Elliot stands in front of a whiteboard.

Elliot: Superior vena cava?

J.D. is revealed to be standing in front of her with an open textbook.

J.D.: That's right!

She victoriously pumps her fist.

J.D.: See, you had the brains all along.

She smiles gratefully.

Meanwhile...

SCRUB ROOM

Dr. Cox and Jack are still here with Carla.

Dr. Cox: Trust me, Carla, when you do have your own kid, you're gonna find you had the courage to be a parent all along.

Carla: [Smiles and dabs a tear from her cheek] Thank you.

Cut to...

HOSPITAL ROOF

Ted's band is gathered here in the setting sunlight, one revealed to be playing the ukulele.

Band: [Singing] Ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ted: [Singing] Somewhere over the rainbow / Way up high

Band: [Singing] Ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ted: [Singing] There's a land that I've heard of / Once in a lullaby

Band: [Singing] --by-hi-hi, ah-hi-hi-hi

Pan down to the window of the Doctors' Lounge, where inside Turk and Mr. Bolger shake hands, then warmly hug.

Ted: [Singing] Someday I'll wish upon a star / Wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Pan down to the window of the Lecture Room, where inside Elliot confidently conducts her Q&A with the packed room.

Ted: [Singing] Where troubles melt like lemon-drops / High above the chimney tops

Band: [Singing] That's where you'll find me

Ted: [Singing] Somewhere over the rainbow / Bluebirds fly

Pan down to the window of a Lounge, where inside Carla happily plays with Jack, swinging him in the air.

Ted: [Singing] Birds fly over the rainbow / Why, then, oh why can't I?

Pan across to the Hospital Exit.

Cox leans against the wall as J.D. walks out the door, still in his red shoes, his Toto-packed iPod in hand.

Dr. Cox: Dorothy. You're goin' home, are ya?

J.D.: Yep!

He heads out into the puddle-pocked parking lot, happily walking out.

Ted: [Singing] If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow

Band: [Singing] Why, oh why can't I?

Slowly pan up, to the rainbow above.

Band: [Singing] Oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooooh.

Fade to black.
{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x07 - My Way Home"}