(GRUNTS)

I am sorry.

- Oh, it's okay.

- I am sorry, baby.

- I am sorry.

- f*cking shoulder.

Keep going.

That's helping.

Never. Just a little bit.

Just to clean it up.

I am not cutting it.

But you'd look so hot with short hair.

- Oh, would I?

- Yeah.

- Thank you. (CHUCKLES) No, no, no...

- Sorry, I didn't mean it like that.

You are hot.

You are the hottest.

- Keep going.

- You and your gorgeous,

thick, long hair.

Continue. I just f*cking love the way it's long.

Yeah? Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

Kids, we said after breakfast.

I want cake for breakfast.

Wow! Chocolate with sprinkles!

My favorite.

Happy Father's Day!

- Open it! Open it! Open it! Open it!

- Open it! Open it! I am, I am.

I like building up the anticipation.

- Oh, you guys... You like it?

- I love it. Muah! I love it.

- Thank you. Mom helped us.

- No, I didn't. It was all their idea.

- Right, kids?

- BOTH: Right.

- Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!

- Okay, okay. Cake! Cake! Cake!

Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!

Oh, look at that beautiful looking cake!

- (SCREAMS)

- Ah... Who did this to monster!

- (GRUNTING)

- (SHRIEKING)

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, you can't hide from monster!

Monster can smell you!

JAKE: Run! Run! Monster's coming!

- (GROWLING)

- (LISA SQUEALING)

Argh!

Monster made kids disappear.

And...

Monster want to finish what we started.

Too late, the kids are awake.

Monster sad.

I am sure monster can wait till Monday.

Monster been waiting three weeks.

Yeah, but with the kids and my exhibition

I cannot keep everybody happy all the time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Monster doesn't want to start a fight.

Okay. Sorry, me neither.

I promise we will finish this

as soon as I get back.

Oh, monster happy.

Monster happy. (GIGGLING)

Monster very happy.

- (GROWLING)

- (CHILDREN LAUGHING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Yeah, Mommy.

- Gracias. De nada.

- Everybody packed? Yeah.

Monkey, good boy.

Dad, why can't we take

Monkey to the beach with us?

Yeah, you know he loves the beach. Monkey

needs to stay here and keep your dad company

so he doesn't stay all alone during the weekend.

Come on. That's unfair. Knock-knock.

KIDS: Hey, Louis!

Hey, guys, hot off the presses.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

- What's going on, Louis? What's shaking?

- What's going on, little guys?

Mr. Webber, how are you, sir?

Morning, Louis.

I'd offer you a hand, but all

I can lift is this coffee.

Oh, that's what happens when you try

to impress girls in the bat cage.

I wasn't flirting,

I was being a gentleman.

Yeah, I am sure she was

a poor helpless 25-year-old.

Yeah, helpless.

(KAREN CHUCKLES)

Do you know what this is? Is it a Father's Day

present for Daddy? No, this is Mommy's catalog.

Assuming they got the color

right this time. Oh, let's hope.

LISA: I think they did.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

It's a little bit magenta, but it's almost perfect.

What's magenta? This color. Honey, it's perfect.

Mom, can Louis come

to the beach with us? Yeah.

No, Louis needs to stay here

and do some work.

Just like your daddy.

That's correct.

I have to come back with all

the alcohol for the super-secret

Father's Day party that me

and your dad are going to have tonight.

- Louis! Shh! Oh, come on.

- You're not having a party.

I am not having a party,

I am working very hard. Did you pack your g*n?

- BOTH: Yes.

- Did you pack the b*mb?

- Yes.

- Have you packed the cannon?

- JAKE: Yes.

- Have you packed the chainsaw?

You didn't pack the chainsaw?

Go get the chainsaw, man!

The cement still hasn't dried, but it

should be fine by tomorrow night. Okay.

Still, it's extremely fragile

and I don't trust those movers

after the mess they made at the gallery.

Mmm-mmm. No, I will take care of it.

Don't worry. Okay.

Gracias, I will have it

all packed up for you. Okay.

It's almost dry though.

Yeah, so I will just text you when it's at

the gallery. Don't worry about anything.

I got it all under control.

You have a good weekend at the beach.

Enjoy yourself. I am out.

Gracias, Louis.

- Mr. Webber, I will see you tomorrow.

- Thank you.

I mean, "tonight"

for the super-secret party.

- Louis...

- See you, kids.

- Bye, Louis.

- Super-secret party?

- Super-secret party.

- Okay.

Is this the last one?

- You like it?

- I love it.

- Good.

- I think it should be bigger.

- (CHUCKLES) You think so?

- Yeah, then we can get the pool.

Okay, I will do it bigger next time.

I told Vivian tomorrow at 2:00.

I don't need her therapy

anymore, it's healing.

Tell that to your shoulder.

Dad, are you sure

you can't come to the beach with us?

I would love nothing more, sport.

But if Daddy doesn't work this weekend,

we will have to live in a box.

Do you guys want to live in a box?

- No. No. Not really.

- Me neither. Unless I designed it.

Okay, say goodbye to Daddy.

Bye, Daddy.

Say goodbye to Monkey.

BOTH: Bye, Monkey.

Daddy, don't forget to send all

your party pix on Instagram.

Okay.

Call me when you get there.

I will. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Bye, guys. Bye. Bye, Daddy.

JAKE: Get a haircut, Dad!

Well, Monkey...

Looks like it's just me and you, kid.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Hey, baby.

How's the house?

Hi! It's perfect.

Look. Kids, say hello to your dad.

- BOTH: Hi!

- Hello. All it needs is you.

- I love you.

- I love you, too.

Miss you.

Good night.

(TURNS MUSIC ON)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(BARKS)

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

Who's there?

GIRL: Just one second, sir, please.

- Hello?

- Could I use your phone, please?

Yes?

We're so sorry to bother you, sir, but could

you please tell us where the Gregorys live?

This is the third house we have tried.

Looks like everyone's gone for the long weekend.

The Gregorys?

No, I don't know anyone

around here by that name.

What's the address?

Um...

I don't.... I honestly don't know.

My phone got wet and she left hers at her house.

The taxi just dropped us here. We have been

walking around for, like, 20 minutes.

Yeah, my feet are, like, dying.

Well, I am sorry.

I am afraid I can't help you.

Bless you.

(GIGGLES)

Here.

Thank you.

Well, if you guys want

you can come in and use my phone.

Oh, thanks, but...

All our contacts are on our phones. I...

I don't even know my own number,

can you believe it?

Maybe Ashley's on Facebook chat?

Ah, genius.

Actually, would you mind

if we just used your computer for a sec?

We don't want to impose.

We will just get the address

and be out of your hair.

Yeah. Sure.

Come in.

Thank you.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

No, it's fine. Don't worry.

Oh, I don't mind.

We don't want to mess up your house.

Yeah. Excuse me.

Um, thank you so, so much.

I know this is so random. It's fine.

Hang on, I will get you

an iPad and some towels. Thanks.

GIRL: Nice house.

Thanks.

Girls?

BOTH: We're in here.

I am so sorry, it was warmer here.

Hope you don't mind.

We were freezing.

Here.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

This is beyond embarrassing.

Don't worry about it.

Make yourselves at home.

I am Bel, by the way.

- Evan. Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

Ashley's online.

Cool.

You're a life saver, Evan.

Not everyone would just let two total

strangers into their house these days.

Well, you don't look that dangerous.

Worst case scenario,

I know I can take the both of you.

I am not so sure.

I do air boxing.

- Air boxing? Yeah, like, you know?

- Oh, okay. Oh, my God, I am sorry.

- Excuse me, sir.

- Yes.

- What's the address?

- His name's Evan.

Evan?

458 Canter.

Wow. We're like, far.

It was Kantner, not Canter.

The cab must have misunderstood us.

I told you that he was

going the wrong way.

That guy barely spoke English.

I mean, his English was worse than mine.

This is so ret*rd.

Don't worry about it. I will call an Uber.

No. No, no, no. We can find a cab outside.

It's no problem. Not around here, you won't.

Trust me, it's the only reliable way.

You sure? I feel like such an idiot.

We don't want to ruin your night.

No really. It's fine.

It's looking for a driver.

And it will be here in....

...45 minutes.

That long?

The rain.

We're lucky we even got one.

(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

What?

(GIGGLING)

Um, I know this is going to sound weird,

but could we maybe throw our clothes

in your dryer just for, like, 10 minutes?

We really don't want to go

to a party soaking wet.

BEL:

No.

Please?

Sure, sure.

Um....

We have some extra robes.

I will, uh, go get them.

- Thank you. Yay.

- This is literally saving our lives.

Yeah, we could get sick and die.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

You have your phone?

Uh yeah, why?

I can try and fix it.

- Really?

- Oh.

My kid dropped mine in the tub,

and you won't believe this, but if you

put it in rice it kind of dries it out.

- That would be awesome. Rice?

- Oh, my God, you're like a MythBuster.

Thank you so much, Evan.

You're welcome...

- Genesis. Genesis.

- Yeah, like the beginning of time.

In the beginning.

(CHUCKLES) Sorry.

Yup, that was... You're sick of that.

GENESIS:

Thanks.

I will, uh...

I will go get you some.

(KETTLE WHISTLING)

Hey, Evan?

Where should we put these?

Oh, I will take them.

No, we can do it. We don't mind.

I got it.

I made you some tea.

- Thank you. Thank you, that's nice.

- So sweet. I will trade you. Uh, okay.

Gracias.

Excuse me.

(DRYER SPINNING)

(GIRLS GIGGLING IN DISTANCE)

BEL: Oh, my God.

(MONKEY BARKING)

BEL: Oh, sorry.

We were trying to warm up.

Yeah, I mean, we have never seen one of

these before. A real one. It's okay.

Just be careful.

It's old.

I see you have met Monkey.

Yeah, this is Monkey.

It's time for Monkey to go to bed.

Bye, Monkey. Night-night, Monkey.

- Night-night.

- Sweet dreams. Bye, Monkey.

All right, Monkey.

Go home, Monkey.

You have so many records.

Sorry. We had to try one.

Stop apologizing, it's okay.

I love this album.

You have good taste.

This is like....

...an insane collection. Yeah.

It must be worth a fortune.

Well, everything's online now, so...

But, uh, I love the sound of vinyl.

You're really into music.

Well, it used to be my job.

What? Like a record salesman?

- (GIGGLING)

- I was a DJ.

Oh, my God. That's so cool!

You're like Major Lazer!

It was in my 20s. It's really a hobby now,

I haven't had a real gig in years.

Wait, how old are you?

- I am 43. No f*cking way.

- I can't believe you're 43.

I thought you were, like, 28 or 30 at the most.

Well, I got married when I was 30.

Where's your wife?

She's at the beach with my kids.

We were going to spend Father's Day there,

but, uh, work happened.

Oh, my God, you are all alone on Father's Day.

Poor Evan, we will keep you company!

BOTH: Hugs!

No, it's fine. We celebrated this morning.

Whoa, you're not 43.

You must work out, like, every day.

Yeah, I keep in shape.

Not like when I was in my 20s, but, uh...

Come on, any guy that ripped

is more into his own ass than yours.

Yeah, I mean, like, seriously,

is that all you do?

Oh, my God, I remember

I f*cked this model once,

and while we were having sex

I caught him doing crunches in the mirror.

- (CHUCKLES)

- It was the gayest thing ever.

I'd take somebody that's

older and more experienced

over an Abercrombie model any day.

GENESIS: Yeah.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Well, hopefully one day

you will find both.

I don't know.

Underwear models are the kind of guys

you f*ck when you're 14. That's a statement.

This is your wife? Yup.

BEL: I want to see it.

Wow! She's so pretty.

She's beautiful. You're a lucky guy.

Yeah, I certainly am.

I am just an architect, but, uh,

she's the real deal.

Most of what you see is hers.

She made all these? Yeah.

GENESIS: Wow.

They're so pretty.

I love these colors.

Red's my favorite.

This is amazing.

I actually studied art history.

I am no expert, I was only

there for a semester, but....

....this...

This is like a Gaudi building, but small.

Yeah, my wife loves Gaudi.

She was, uh, she was born in Barcelona.

BEL: Like me?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

English, English.

You guys sound too sexy.

That's about the extent

of my Spanish anyway.

My kids speak it perfectly.

Your wife's an amazing artist.

Why are these sculptures here?

They should be in like, MOMA.

EVAN:

Actually, um.....

It's not exactly MOMA, but....

...she's having a big gallery show in LA.

Karen Alvarado.

That's such a pretty name.

An architect and an artist.

You guys are like the perfect couple.

And she's so hot.

You must have sex, like, all day.

Bel! What? I would.

That's Belly for you.

She sees a hot girl and chases after her.

Well, it's okay. I have no complaints.

Sorry, I was just being honest.

No, no. It's fine.

Um, but, uh.....

I must say I am not used to girls just

being so open about that.

About what?

Sex?

No, I mean... Yes.

Yeah. Yes.

It's just sex.

Right.

Now you seem old.

- Sorry.

- So sorry.

Twenty minutes away.

How long have you

and your wife been together?

I was 29 and she was 20.

EVAN:

It's been awhile.

So you haven't been with anyone else

in all those years?

Fourteen years, nope.

Wow.

How is that even possible?

Well, when you love someone...

GENESIS: Come on, Evan.

Humans are the only species

that practice monogamy.

I mean, we're animals.

We're more animals than animals.

It's in our DNA.

Like, being with one person

your whole life,

is going against your own nature.

BEL:

Look.

It's like this.

I understand men.

I know whenever I get married,

my husband is going to want to be

with other girls.

So, I want to get comfortable

with having threesomes now,

because I know that's the only way

he will never cheat on me.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Wow.

(EVAN LAUGHS)

So, are you guys... What do you guys do?

I mean, are you...

Are you in school or something? I mean...

Actually, we're flight attendants.

Really?

What would you like for your entree, sir?

We have chicken...

...and pasta.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Please buckle your seatbelt, sir.

We may be encountering some turbulence.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

EVAN: So...

Where you guys based out of?

(SIGHS) Everywhere.

Last weekend we were in

New Zealand for 24 hours.

It was awesome.

Wow, how was that jet lag?

We don't sleep.

GENESIS:

It's like being a fake rock star.

You know, you fly

around the world first class,

drinks are on the house

and they pay you for it.

I am jealous.

I once got offered a tour when I was a DJ.

Not like you guys, but, uh, Tri-State area.

Yeah, well, I think traveling is

the best way to get life experience.

Especially when you're

only there for 24 hours.

You really make the most of it.

GENESIS: Yeah, we make the most of it.

Unlike that f*cking starfish we work with. Ugh.

BEL: (SOFTLY) Ugh, starfish.

Starfish? This girl we work with...

She doesn't have to do anything in bed,

she just lies there like a f*cking starfish.

Hence, starfish.

I mean, who'd want to f*ck that?

- (CHUCKLES)

- BEL: I don't understand girls like that.

When I am with a guy,

I want him to have the time of his life.

- No rules. None.

- Nothing's off limit, sexually.

Sex with boundaries isn't really sex.

If our bodies are capable of doing it,

then we were meant to. Right?

(THUNDER CRACKING)

Oh, Evan? Can I use your bathroom?

Of course.

It's, uh, down the hall on the right. Thanks.

I don't know any of these.

Well, I have pretty eclectic taste.

You have Spanish music.

Chilean, actually.

My wife loves her, Fran Valenzuela.

Can you put it on?

EVAN:

Sure.

She's really talented.

She started composing when she was 13.

This is her third album.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Wow!

How did you know that would mix?

DJ'ing is like mixing a drink.

First you find the right ingredients,

then you find the blend.

Evan, I have something to confess.

Yes?

I am glad we knocked on your door.

I am having a way better time here then

at that stupid party we were supposed to go to.

Well, I have to confess, it's not usually this

exciting around here at 1:30 in the morning.

It's like destiny

that we were meant to meet.

BEL:

Do you believe in destiny, Evan?

I am an architect.

So obviously I believe

that things happen by your own design.

Well, I do.

I don't think people just meet randomly.

I think that if we are here, together,

it's because...

...there's something we have to

learn from each other.

Discover.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

It's here.

BEL: I will go get Genesis.

EVAN: I will get your clothes.

EVAN:

What the f*ck!

Guys!

Guys, the car's outside.

Guys, I have your clothes,

they're pretty much dry.

(GIGGLING)

- Guys!

- (GIGGLING)

All right, I am coming in,

I am not looking, so excuse me.

- Surprise!

- Surprise!

What the f*ck are you doing?

- Come on, Evan. Join us.

- Yeah, join the party.

- Come here.

- The car's outside.

GENESIS:

The car can wait. Come on.

I am going to tell the driver

that you're coming out.

Get dressed. Now. Please.

Here's your clothes. Evan. Look at us.

Come on...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop. Stop. Stop.

I can't do this. I am married.

Happily. Okay? Yes. You can.

Hey, it's our little secret. Whoa, stop. Stop.

It's just sex. We're all adults here.

I am flattered. But really, I can't.

Please, get dressed.

(GIGGLING) Yeah, you can.

Come on, just one day. Just relax and enjoy it.

You like this? Have you ever

had two girls do this to you before?

(MOANING)

- Happy Father's Day!

- Happy Father's Day!

(MOANING)

(PHONE VIBRATING)

(EVAN MUMBLING)

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

ANNOUNCER ON TV:

It's time for the Family Feud!

Introducing the Levy family!

Morning, Daddy. Evan! Evan! Watch this!

(BOTH SHRIEKING)

Belly! Belly!

Catch! Catch!

(ANNOUNCER ON TV CONTINUES)

- Sorry, Belly.

- (LAUGHING)

EVAN:

I thought you guys left.

GENESIS: We made you breakky.

EVAN: I am not hungry.

Monkey, that's mine.

And the star of Family Feud, Richard Dawson!

You two live together?

Yeah.

Where?

BEL:

Why, Evan?

EVAN:

So I can drive you there.

I haven't been home in like four years.

This could be our home.

I will drive you wherever you want.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Did I say something funny?

Mmm-hmm.

I want to go to Paris, Evan.

No, let's go to Tokyo.

- London.

- (LAUGHTER)

Rome. (GIGGLING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Don't let your breakky get cold.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hey, baby.

KAREN: Hey, you're alive.

EVAN:

Yeah, ah, barely.

I forgot how strong Vanessa's weed was.

I just woke up. You are such a lightweight.

- How are the kids?

- Not so good. What happened?

BOTH: Evan!

Jake got stung by a jellyfish. He was crying.

- Oh, no!

- Yeah. Poor little guy.

- He's okay now.

- Where is he? He's back at the beach.

It was a little bit hairy for a while,

but now he's okay.

What about you? How's your project?

Great. Great. Great.

Uh, I am in a really good groove now,

so, home stretch.

Okay, then don't let me interrupt you.

Let's talk later.

You seem a little distracted. No.

That's not what I meant.

It's just...

I just want to finish so I don't have

to think about it, you know?

Maybe if I get done early,

I can, I can drive out there.

Baby, I get it. Don't stress.

Do what you have to do.

- I love you. Love you, too.

- Don't smoke all our weed.

- I won't.

- I promise.

EVAN: Bye.

KAREN: Ciao.

- Shit! Shit!

- Shit!

Are you hungry now?

Get up! And get dressed!

Right now! Excuse me, sir.

Can you tell me where Evan is?

You know, that sweet guy that

saved two girls from the rain?

He's gone.

Get the f*ck up.

Let's go.

I don't appreciate your tone of voice. Go!

Come on, Belly. Looks like

Evan lost his sense of humor.

- Go!

- (LAUGHING)

Hello!

Let's go!

Where's Bel?

I don't know, she's not my friend.

Bel!

Bel!

Bel?

(BLOWS PARTY HORN)

- (LAUGHING)

- What the f*ck are you doing?

You tell us to get dressed.

Come on. Playtime's over.

Evan, can you hold me?

Please, just once more.

- Please, I miss your hugs.

- Bel. Listen to me.

You're leaving. Now.

Get dressed.

- I love you.

- Bel...

- I love you.

- No!

BEL:

I love you so much.

God damn it! f*ck!

I love you.

I can't help it.

(MUMBLING)

I am crazy about you.

(PANTING)

(SCREAMING)

You have three minutes!

I will be outside!

Get dressed!

Let's go!

What in the f*ck are you doing!

You have any idea what you have done?

Yeah. It's called art.

We were inspired from last night.

Remember?

I am calling the f*cking police.

- Go ahead.

- (DIALING NUMBER)

What the f*ck is so funny!

I just have a funny story for them.

It's called "To Catch a Predator."

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Fifteen to 20 years?

I think it is 20.

Fifteen gets you 20, right?

- I don't believe it.

- You don't have to.

The jury will.

Statutory r*pe, Evan.

Twenty years behind bars.

And that's just for one of us.

And I am not planning on taking a shower.

BEL:

I have evidence.

Really? So how could you be a flight

attendant if you're only 15?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

What the f*ck!

What?

We saw that in a movie, Evan.

I told you he'd believe it.

Do you want to check my ID?

She doesn't have one, she's too young.

Okay.

What do you want?

We want to make breakky for you every morning.

Come on.

Just tell me. How much do you want?

Don't be mad, Evan.

That's not you.

- You're different from the others.

- Yeah.

EVAN:

How much!

What do you think we are, hookers?

Jesus, Evan, we're not f*cking whores!

Yeah.

You're the f*cking whore!

Whore!

- (DOORBELL RINGING)

- VIVIAN: Evan? It's Vivian!

EVAN: Do not move!

Evan!

Evan, I am so sorry I am late, but that

storm blew branches out all over town.

It even knocked two traffic lights out.

I swear, I swear I was sitting

there for 15 minutes

and I was trying to navigate, but there

was repair trucks. It's fine. It's fine.

Actually, I am feeling much better.

Oh, then that's really good

because then this will help.

I will give you a relaxation massage,

it will help circulate.

Actually... Karen should have told you,

I have a lot of work to do this weekend.

I love Karen.

I love her so much, how is she?

She is so talented.

I cannot wait to see her exhibition.

In fact, you know what?

Jim and I are going

to drive up for the opening

if I can get out of that conference I have

in Sonoma with those massage therapists.

You know how that can be.

He doesn't want your massage.

GENESIS:

Do you, baby?

Get back inside.

Don't let me get cold.

This is really upsetting, okay?

I am here to heal,

but this is really... This is upsetting!

It's upsetting! It's not what you think.

No, no. It's exactly what I think!

But you know what? It's your life.

- Vivian, please.

- I... don't. It's your relationship, Evan.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Look, I am a DJ like Evan!

Why didn't you let your girlfriend in?

Are you ashamed of us? Or are you f*cking her, too?

- Get out of my house!

- Be careful,

these two cute little girls can put you behind bars

for the rest of your life! Get out of my house!

What would your client say?

Your neighbors?

What would your wife say if we told her

everything we did last night? Get out!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

It's going to be such a shame

to see your wife divorce you!

And your business ruined

over a single night of perversion!

You want to go door-to-door telling your

neighbors you're a child molester?

What would the other parents do? Let their

kids play here if you're a convicted pedophile?

There's Evan!

There's Evan!

I didn't think you had it in you.

(GROANING)

(PANTING)

911, what's your emergency?

I'd like to report a break-in.

You're calling from 458...

Can you give us a ride?

Let's go.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

GENESIS: Well, this isn't awkward at all.

Cool car, Evan.

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

This one on the right.

Out.

You're not going to get out and say bye? Go.

Don't you want to come in

and meet my mom?

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

- Oh! Bye!

- Send our love to Karen and the kids!

Bye!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(GLASS BREAKING)

Hello?

EVAN:

Oh, my God!

(GENESIS HUMMING)

(CONTINUES HUMMING)

(EVAN STRUGGLING)

EVAN: Oh!

What the hell are you doing?

(STRUGGLING)

Genesis, please,

this is crazy, untie me!

(COUGHING)

What's the point of this?

I am a good person.

I made a mistake.

We can forget this ever happened.

- Please!

- Please!

Haven't you ever made a mistake?

- (GENESIS HUMMING)

- (EVAN GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

BEL: Daddy!

Oh, Daddy!

Look what I found.

Oh, my God!

You take that off.

That's my daughter's. You take that off!

You like how it fits me, Daddy?

- Look.

- Take those off, you f*cking crazy bitch!

Okay.

You know, every girl's first love....

....is their daddy, huh?

You're sick.

You like what you see?

Huh? You like what you see?

Daddy?

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

- Huh?

- No. Bel.

Untie me.

Untie me, please.

If you really love me....

....untie me.

Ignore that assh*le.

He's not an assh*le.

He's my Daddy.

You don't listen to her, Daddy.

She doesn't love you the way I do.

I love you, Daddy.

I have loved you ever since

Mommy brought you home.

Remember that night when we were all

alone and you snuck into my room?

And I pretended to be asleep.

But when you took off my clothes,

I couldn't pretend any longer.

BEL:

We did things you and Mommy never did.

I hope you're not angry

at me anymore, Daddy.

I only did that to Mommy

because I wanted you all to myself.

Bel, Bel, untie me, please?

Please.

You can tuck me in like you always did.

What's wrong, Daddy?

Huh?

Don't you want to f*ck

your little girl again?

Did you forget what you did

to me all those years?

Why did you do that to me?

- Why did you do that to me!

- Bel. Why?

Stop! Bel!

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

- Stop! Bel!

- (SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Bel, stop!

Why did you do that to me!

Why! Why did you do that to me!

Stop! Stop!

Bel! Stop, please! (SLAPPING)

EVAN: Stop it! Stop it!

(BEL CRYING)

Shh.

Untie me.

What the f*ck is that?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

- (SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

You're not hiding something, are you, Evan?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

What are you hiding here, huh?

Come on, where is it, Daddy?

It's Karen on FaceTime!

- I have been dying to meet her. Answer it.

- Let's get to know her. No! No!

You're right, this could get awkward.

What are you doing? Much better.

Don't!

Can a cock answer an iPhone?

Yes, Belly, but it's got to be hard. Okay.

No! Please!

- It could be my kids!

- Hi Evan, welcome back.

So? Have they ever seen

a cheating dick before?

How about covered in her lipstick?

Okay! Okay, okay, okay,

okay, okay, okay. Please.

EVAN: Bel, I will do whatever you want.

BEL: Yes! Yes!

Okay. Okay. Now, f*ck me, Daddy!

f*ck me! Attaboy, Evan.

f*ck her.

f*ck her like it was last night.

- (GROANING)

- Yeah, f*ck her good!

(MOANING)

f*ck me, Daddy!

f*ck me like you f*ck

your little daughter!

(GRUNTING AND MOANING)

Doggy style, Belly!

(BARKING)

You want something to eat, Bel?

No, I am okay.

Okay.

(BEL CRYING OUT)

(BARKING)

f*ck me, Daddy!

f*ck me like you f*ck Mommy!

(BEL GROANING)

- (MOANING)

- Yeah, Daddy's little girl!

(MOANING AND GRUNTING)

You're a good little girl!

(GRUNTING)

- f*ck me, Daddy!

- Yeah! f*ck me like you f*ck Mommy!

(GROANING)

Ow....

(SQUEALING)

(SHOUTING)

(GROANING)

Arghh!

My scar! My scar! My scar!

My surgery!

You have been a very bad boy, Evan!

Please, please, please take it out!

Take it out!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my...

...God!

Why did you h*t me, Daddy?

Now we have to punish you.

(GRUNTS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Welcome to America's favorite game show,

"Who Wants to be a Pedophile!"

Where we give the audience what they want!

The chance to punish a pedophile.

But first, let's welcome our lovely,

beautiful and charming,

GENESIS:

Ms. Bel.....

(TV AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Hello, Ms. Bel.

For tonight's contestant,

we have a very special one,

he's not only an architect but also a DJ,

a husband, a father of two, possibly three.

Four.

All the way from one percent land,

Mr. Evan Webber!

(APPLAUSE)

Ms. Bel, would you please

get our contestant ready? Sure.

You're both crazy f*cking bitches!

You look 21, you lied to me!

Oh, like you lied to your wife?

What I tell my wife is none of your g*dd*mn...

(MUSIC SCREECHING)

(CRYING OUT)

God! God!

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! My ears! My ears!

I will go deaf! I will go deaf!

This is f*cking serious!

I could go deaf!

The game hasn't started yet.

Our first category...

Schoolyards.

How far away from school

will Evan have to pick up his kids?

100 yards?

500 yards?

Or two miles?

EVAN:

This is f*cking sick!

(VOLUME TURNED UP)

Arghh!

(GRUNTING)

Wrong answer. Correct answer is

you can't pick up your kids from prison.

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

Please! What's our next category, Ms. Bel?

I love this one.

BEL:

Daddies.

GENESIS:

Evan, this should be easy for you.

How many family men

have survived this game?

EVAN:

None.

GENESIS:

What was that?

None. Correct!

(TV AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

- Next question.

- Genesis. You have proved your point.

(EVAN SCREAMING)

- God! I can't hear!

- I can't hear!

EVAN:

Please, stop!

All you have to do is

answer the question, Evan.

EVAN:

Okay. Okay.

Well, ask it, for f*ck's sake!

What's the proper punishment

for a pedophile?

Is it prison where you get r*ped every day

and you never get to see your family again?

GENESIS:

Castration?

Or death?

Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

Tick-tick-tock.

Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

Tick-tock. Ten seconds.

Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Well, looks like it's time for

our first commercial break.

We will be back after a message

from our sponsors. Hello. It's me, Louis!

LOUIS:

Mr. Webber?

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Who's Louis?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

f*cking douche bag.

Get that sheet, cover him up.

(MUFFLED YELLING)

(COUGHING)

Shh!

You must be Louis. Yes.

I am Bernadette. I am Uncle Evan's niece.

Oh, hi, nice to meet you.

Obviously, you're with Uncle Evan.

Sorry, we're sh**ting a music video.

Well, you guys picked an awesome location.

Come on in.

- So where'd you come in from? Dallas.

- Oh? I used to live in Austin.

Oh, I have never been.

Well, it's fun when you're in college.

Yeah, I went to Parsons.

Oh, great school. I went to SVA.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

- I am Louis. Hi.

- I am... She's Macarena.

- She's my friend from Spain.

- Oh. (SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

- He's here to pick up...

- The art work outside. Yes. Excuse me.

Somebody touch this? We didn't touch it.

It's Aunt Karen's stuff, we wouldn't go near it.

I did see Evan in here earlier,

maybe he did.

Okay, because it's not supposed

to be like this.

It's supposed to be bubble-wrapped

and packed up and ready to go.

- Why would Evan do this?

- She said it wasn't us.

LOUIS:

Okay.

Oh, f*ck.

Oh, my God.

What the f*ck did you all do?

What the f*ck is this shit!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

We didn't want to tell you, someone

broke in and that's why Evan's out.

- He was chasing them.

- Yeah. Shut the f*ck up!

Shut the f*ck up, both of you right now!

Nobody f*cking move!

I am calling the cops right now.

Please don't tell Karen.

This could be our little secret.

Bitch, you're barking up

the wrong f*cking tree.

I am from Oakland, ho!

I know two ghetto ass hos when I see them!

Come to think of it,

Evan doesn't even have any f*cking nieces.

(YELLING) Who the f*ck are you?

You better hope the police

get here before Karen does.

(BANGING)

- What the f*ck was that?

- Nothing.

- Hey, wait. Wait.

- It's nothing. Get out of my way!

- Shit.

- (MUFFLED GRUNTS)

(MUFFLED COUGHING)

Shit!

Mr. Webber!

Are you okay? Oh, f*ck!

They're crazy! Close the door. Close the door.

Louis! Louis! Louis, no!

I got to stop these crazy ass bitches.

Louis, forget it! They're dangerous! (SCREAMING)

LOUIS:

No! No! Stop! Stop! Stop it!

What are you doing!

(GASPING)

(GASPING FOR BREATH)

(LAUGHING)

Looking for this?

EVAN:

Louis! Be careful!

They're crazy!

BEL: Monkey in the middle!

Monkey in the middle!

GENESIS:

We can't say that, Belly, it's r*cist.

BEL:

Okay, man in the middle!

Give it to him!

No, Genesis, give him that!

(GASPS AND THUDS)

Louis!

Louis!

Genesis! Please, this isn't his fault!

Please call an ambulance, help him!

f*ck!

Bel, please help him!

Call an ambulance,

I promise I won't say anything!

Bel, Genesis!

Call an ambulance, for f*ck's sake!

I think it's a little late for an ambulance, Evan.

He tripped, it's his fault.

We were just playing monkey in the middle.

I mean, man in the middle.

Oh, my God!

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

You k*lled him!

You k*lled him!

Your wife k*lled him

with her shitty sculpture.

This shit's dangerous, Evan.

How can you keep this here with kids?

That's irresponsible parenting.

Yeah maybe your wife should stick to painting.

Get the f*ck away from me!

Where do you think you're going, Evan?

Get the f*ck off me! Leave me alone!

Want to go for a little ride?

You can't run away from us, Daddy.

You can't escape.

(GIGGLING)

Ahhh!

This is what happens when

you break the rules of the game, Evan.

This is just like art class.

GENESIS: What I did to Karen's statue

is nothing compared

to what I am going to do to you

if I ever see your

f*cking lying face again.

I trusted you both,

how could you f*ck my wife?

Never come near my family again.

Disappear or you're f*cking d*ad.

(BEEPS)

(GROANS)

Which way is MOMA?

(CHUCKLING) It's more like "momma."

Ronnie is going to have

a field day with this one.

Yeah, I am sure he will.

GENESIS: That guy's a magician.

Yeah.

GENESIS: He can make anything disappear.

Let's finish this.

(CHAIR KNOCKING)

Wow, those were some

really long commercials.

Thanks to our sponsor Louis

for that little lovely break.

Now! Back to our million dollar question.

What is the proper punishment for a pedophile?

Please.

I love my children.

I love my wife.

I am a good father.

How can you judge anyone?

You're m*rder.

Is that your final answer?

Because you're going to go deaf

in about 10 seconds from now.

Please, Genesis!

I am a good father!

Until yesterday.

That doesn't change how much I love them!

(COUGHS)

Do you really love them, Evan?

GENESIS:

Really?

More than anything in the world.

So why didn't you think of them when

you were inside us? Yeah, why, Evan?

Last night had nothing to do with my family.

Damn right it didn't, Evan!

It had nothing to do with them.

Your family are victims.

Victims of your sleazy,

disgusting, perverted behavior.

GENESIS:

Jake. Lisa.

They don't deserve a father like you.

This is what you did to your family.

BEL:

You pervert.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Genesis, please, this isn't the answer!

(IMITATES BUZZER) Wrong answer.

Correct answer is death.

We will be back

after this commercial break.

Death?

Death?

You're going to k*ll me?

You're going to f*cking k*ll me!

Why? Why! Because I f*cked you?

You f*cked me! You f*cked me!

You came to my house!

You came to me!

I got you a car, I brought you your clothes,

you took a f*cking bubble bath!

You wanted it! You wanted it!

You came on to me!

What was I supposed to do?

You sucked my cock, you both

f*cking sucked my cock!

It was free pizza! Free f*cking pizza!

It just shows up at my f*cking door!

What am I supposed to do?

"We're flight attendants.

Come on, f*ck us!

No one will know. Come on, f*ck us!"

Oh, twosomes, threesomes.

It doesn't matter!

Starfish! Husbands!

You don't give a f*ck,

you will just f*ck anything,

you will just f*ck anything!

Well, you lied to me,

I tried to help you!

I let you in, I was a good guy,

I am a good father!

And you just f*cking f*cked me!

What? Now, you're going to k*ll me!

You're going to k*ll me? Why?

Why? Because you f*cked me?

What the f*ck-f*ck-f*ck, this is f*cking insane!

You're to be ex*cuted at dawn.

If I were you,

I wouldn't waste my last

few hours crying about it.

BEL: I am sorry, Daddy.

It is the only way.

Bel?

EVAN:

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

(BEL GRUNTS WITH EFFORT)

(GRUNTS)

EVAN:

FaceTime. Karen!

EVAN:

FaceTime. Karen!

Digging a grave is f*cking tiring.

- BEL: And filthy.

- (PHONE RINGING)

Your wife's clothes are going

to need dry cleaning. What's that?

(RINGING CONTINUES)

You can't have access to an iPad, Evan.

You could be trying to reach a child.

(BEL GIGGLES)

Let's face it, Evan. You're a monster.

Or should I say (MOCKING) monster!

(GROWLING)

EVAN:

What?

Monster surprised?

How do you know about that?

Oh, monster confused!

How the f*ck do you know that!

Monster will be quiet!

You spied on me?

On my kids?

Oh, my f*cking God!

Oh, my f*cking God! Jesus!

I am so f*cking stupid! Yeah, you are.

(BEL SNICKERING) Monster ret*rd.

(MOCKING INDISTINCTLY)

GENESIS: Let's change, I feel gross.

Look at all this shit.

(GROANING)

GENESIS: This is you, Evan.

This is going to be your little f*cking head,

you f*cking cheater!

(GROANING)

BEL: I love this color!

Red's my favorite!

(GIRLS GRUNTING)

(SQUEALING)

(SNICKERING)

GENESIS: Time for a haircut, Evan.

EVAN: No. No.

Got to be pretty for your funeral. No. He's so hairy.

No. You don't want to lose an ear. No. Hold still.

GENESIS: There we go. You look pretty.

There's Evan cutie!

BEL:

There you have it.

GENESIS: Oh, now we see your pretty face.

EVAN: f*cking bitches!

(MOCKING) "I love the sound of vinyl."

"I am Evan."

BEL:

Watch this, Evan.

(MOANING)

(GRUNTING)

(CHEERING)

(GASPS)

GENESIS: Jackpot!

(GASPS)

Is that real?

What a clever way to hide

this from the kids, Evan!

You know, most firearm deaths

are a family member of the g*n owner.

BEL: I don't own a g*n.

It's dangerous.

GENESIS:

Untie him.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

Genesis, please don't point that at me.

I know, it's cheating.

We still have 90 minutes.

But you were keeping secrets

from us, Evan.

Had you gotten to this before us, I don't

think we'd be having this conversation.

And you wouldn't do the same?

I am not like you, Evan.

I don't own a g*n, I don't sh**t people.

I sure as hell don't bend the rules

for my own convenience.

Untie him, Belly.

(WINCES)

I don't want him to kick me.

GENESIS: He won't.

He kicks, I sh**t.

He knows that.

Don't you, Evan?

What do you want?

I want to play hide and seek.

EVAN:

What?

(SIGHS)

Thirty seconds. Only inside the house.

You leave the house, I sh**t.

What're you going to do when you find me?

Well, if we don't find you by sunrise,

we will leave.

- Bullshit.

- Thirty seconds. Go! Go!

- BOTH: Go!

- GENESIS: Go!

BOTH: Thirty, twenty-nine.

Twenty-eight, twenty-seven....

twenty-six, twenty-five,

twenty-four, twenty-three, twenty-two...

GENESIS: Go!

Ready or not? Here we come!

(BOTH GIGGLING)

GENESIS:

Evan, you can't hide from us.

Here we come.

Evan?

We can smell you, Evan.

Daddy?

Psst! In here.

- Evan?

- Oh, Evan?

Are you here, monster?

Evan?

Evan?

Shit!

Evan!

GENESIS: Yeah, there he goes! Stop!

Evan! Stop!

Oh, f*ck!

Don't f*cking move!

Help me! Help me!

Scream all you f*cking want! Help me!

No one's f*cking home!

We tried every house!

(ALARM RINGING)

(EVAN GROANING)

GENESIS: Are you ready!

EVAN: Please don't do this!

GENESIS: Time to say goodbye!

EVAN: Please! Please! Help! Please! Help me!

Please, somebody help me!

Help! Please somebody....

Please, let me go!

Help! Please help me! Somebody help me!

No! Help me!

No! No! No! No! No! No, help! Help!

EVAN: Help!

BOTH: One, two, three!

GENESIS: Whoopsie-daisy!

(GRUNTS)

BEL: So Evan, did we hurt your shoulder?

GENESIS: We want you to be comfy, Evan.

(GRUNTING AND GROANING)

EVAN:

Help! Help!

EVAN:

Help! Help!

Help! Don't move, Evan.

You might get dirt in your eyes.

BEL: Yeah, close your eyes, baby.

EVAN: Help! Help! Help!

EVAN:

Help! Help! Help!

EVAN:

Help! Help! Help!

Please. Please.

Please. Please, don't do this.

Please! Bel. Please. Please.

It looks like he's trying to communicate. Please.

If you promise to behave,

I will take out the gag.

EVAN:

Okay.

Don't do this.

Please?

I will do whatever you want.

I will do whatever you want. Whatever!

Even calling your family and telling

them everything you did to us? Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. I will tell them.

I will tell them.

GENESIS:

Okay, let's give him a lifeline.

BEL: I love the lifeline part. Let's see.

GENESIS: But the lifeline is a phone call.

Not FaceTime.

Your wife's not going to see you like this.

(ON VOICEMAIL) Hi, this is Karen Alvarado,

please leave a message or send a text. Ciao.

(BEEPS)

Go ahead, talk.

Honey. I am sorry for

what I am going to tell you.

EVAN:

They made me.

EVAN:

f*ck!

Call 911!

Call 911! I have been kidnapped by two girls!

Evan, Evan. Evan! Call 911!

No, no, no, Evan! Call 911! You broke the rule.

Evan, why did you do that?

Well, now she will f*cking find you!

Not really.

I hung up as soon as it h*t voice mail.

I knew you'd p*ssy out.

EVAN:

You f*cking whores!

EVAN:

You f*cking whores!

I will f*cking k*ll you,

you f*cking-f*ck bitch c**t!

I will f*cking k*ll you!

You f*cking bitches!

Oh, there's Evan. There he is!

We missed you. f*cking whores!

(GROWLING)

GENESIS:

Knock-knock!

I said knock-knock. No!

I don't think he can talk.

Okay. Knock-knock.

- Who's there? Cheating Evan.

- Cheating Evan who?

Cheating "Evan-tually" gets you k*lled.

No! No!

- Ready, Evan?

- No! No!

- One!

- No!

- Two. Do it!

- No! No! Three!

(LAUGHING)

Look at his face.

(EVAN SOBBING)

We got you good.

You didn't really think we

were going to k*ll you, did you?

We're not animals.

It was just a game, Evan.

A game? A game? You know what?

For a moment, I thought

you were the one who'd say no.

And now we have to play

a game with someone else.

You know what's funny?

They never say no.

No matter who they are.

No matter how much

they love their families.

You're all the same.

GENESIS:

Bye, Evan.

BEL: You were my favorite.

GENESIS: Oh!

Wish me happy birthday. I turn 22 next week. Yeah.

BEL: I freaked out when I turned 18.

But you made me feel 15 again. Thanks, Evan.

(GIGGLING) Let's get out of here.

Oh, I almost forgot. Yes, your phone.

You know you really should be

more careful with Facebook.

If you don't log out someone

could do terrible things with it.

Post something really personal

for all your friends to see.

Look closely. So you will remember us.

GENESIS: (RECORDED) Yes, Evan, f*ck her!

BEL: f*ck me, Daddy!

EVAN: Okay.

GENESIS: Attaboy, Evan. f*ck her!

BEL: f*ck me! f*ck me!

I am sure you will get a lot of likes though.

GENESIS: Doggy style, Belly!

Enjoy!

(BEL HOWLING)

BEL: Oh!

Bye, Evan! Muah! We will miss you!

EVAN:

Oh...

EVAN:

No...

(MOANING AND CRYING OUT FROM PHONE)

Oh, no!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(GROANING)

BEL: f*ck me, Daddy!

EVAN: God, God!

(PANTING)

(GRUNTS)

KAREN: Take your bags to your rooms.

Then go use the bathroom.

And then we're going to

go see Monkey, okay?

Are you guys tired? Yeah!

LISA: Monkey?

"Monkey?"

JAKE:

Daddy had a party.
{"type": "movie", "show": "Knock Knock (2015)", "episode": ""}