Glenn: Lola, we have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is, you don't have cancer.

Lola: Ohh!

Glenn: Cat just put nair in your shampoo.

Cat: Because you ate my lunch from the refrigerator.

Glenn: And the bad news is, she also put a chemical in your iced tea which turns your nose into a tennis ball.

But it only lasts a second.

So basically, everything's okay.

Everything's okay.

Owen: Chief!

Can't you see I'm busy?

Chief: Sometimes I wish I was a mirror.

Lola: Hey, Dori, my round sheet is empty.

Is that a mistake?

Dori: Doesn't look like it.

Owen: This place is empty. What gives?

Dori: There are no admissions today, and we just discharged the last child.

Cat: Are you saying there are no more patients left in the hospital?

Beth: Guys, what do we do with all our time?

Sy: Listen, I'm going into town to register the new ambulance.

Glenn: Sy! Sy! Sy!

Before you go, there are no patients left to treat.

Any extra tasks you need us doing?

Sy: As a matter of fact, thank you, Glenn.

There's a lot of things to be done.

First off, the organ supply room needs cleaning.

Blake: I'll do it!

[ Laughs ] Psych!

Sy: Wear gloves this time.

Blake: I'll do it my own way.

Sy: And then, most importantly, the patients' records, all right?

Now, look at this -- completely disorganized.

These have been handed down from administrator to administrator.

You know how important this is to me.

Glenn, will you take care of reorganizing this entire room?

Glenn: I will not let you down, sir.

Sy: I would never have asked you, son, if I didn't believe in you.

Chet: Are they falling in love?

Owen: Yes.

Sy: All right, Glenn is in charge, everybody.

Sy: You know what, Lola?

That is a great idea.

The animal-testing lab is filthy.

Lola: [ Scoffs ]

Should have said, "I'd rather clean the Dylan McDermott lab."

Sy: Who's gonna come with me?

It's a great adventure.

Dori! Perfect!

Dori: Ohh!

Sy: Let's go!

Blake: Hey, Rosa.

Working hard or hardly working?

Rosa: [ European accent ] Oh, somewhere in between, Mr. Dr. Downs.

Blake: I see what you're saying.

You're not working as hard as you can be, but you're certainly not working.

Rosa: [ Chuckles ]

Blake: Oof.

This uterus expired on Tuesday.

You know what?

I figure we have a 10-day grace period.

Rosa: Expiration dates are really just suggestions.

Blake: I like the way you think, lady.

Rosa: You know, being around all these organs is making me hungry.

Would you like to come to my home for lunch?

Sal: Attention, staff.

My dick.

That is all.

Lola: Hey, chief.

Chief: Oh.

Owen isn't interested in me.

Do you think he noticed I use a walker?

Lola: Oh, I'd love to girl-gab, but I just injected all these stem cells into that handicapped monkey.

[ Screeches ]

Chief: He doesn't need glasses or his walker?!

[ Gasps ]

Stem cells cure handicaps!

Mama want!

Lola: No! Chief, no!

Oh, God!

Chief: [ Gasping ]

Wait a minute.

I don't feel anything at all.

Thanks for nothing, whore!

Lola: Wait. Chief.

Think fast!

[ Gasps ]

Amazing!

Chief: Oh, my God.

Lola: Look at that.

Oh, my God.

Chief: I'm cured!

Stem cells? What a great idea!

Glenn: [ Laughs ] Okay.

What do you say, guys?

Let's get busy!

Cat: I'm not doing donkey dick.

Glenn: Look, Cat --

Chet: What part of "donkey dick" don't you understand, ass-kisser?!

Glenn: All right.

So, how do you want to do this?

My favorite letters are I, T, V, Q, and S, so, obviously, I'll take -- aaaah!

Oh, my God.

For a second there, I thought that was a real airplane.

What's the deal, Cat?

Cat: Glenn, this is a free day!

I mean, do you really want to spend it organizing records, or do you want to spend setting them?

Am I right, guys?

[ Peppy music plays ]

[ Music stops ]

Okay, let's go!

[ Music resumes ]

[ Both laughing ]

Glenn: Come on, guys!

Are we doctors or are we... Dart doctors?

[ Music continues on radio ]

No! No, no, no!

The ladies' room is right there!

Sy, where are you?

Owen: Ha-cha-cha!

Whew.

Ooh. Hey, there.

You new at this hospital?

Chief: In a way.

Owen: What's your name, beautiful?

Chief: My name?

Uh, I-- it's... it's, uh, uh... [ Sneezes ]

Chief: My name... Ooh, I -- ouch.

It's, uh... hey.

Chief: Uh...it's chief.

Uh, chief...Smith.

Owen: Oh.

Well, we have another lady here named chief, but she's ugly.

Chief: Oh, really?

Owen: Yeah.

She's about as ugly as a big pile of poo.

Chief: Oh.

Owen: Mm-hmm.

She's so ugly, a poo takes a her.

Chief: Hmm.

Owen: If a dog wanted to eat his own poo, he would make a mistake and eat her.

Chief: Yeah.

Owen: For all intents and purposes, she is poo.

Chief: Ohhh.

Owen: When she goes to the toilet store, they tell her to "go around back 'cause that's where we let the poo in."

Chief: Oh, God.

Owen: If you do a Google image search of the word "poo," pictures of poo show up, but then there's a picture of her.

Mm.

Crazy people smear her on the walls.

Chief: There's more.

Rosa: Hi! Hi.

We're hungry, mama!

We're hungry!

Rosa: They're saying they're hungry.

Blake: Yeah, yeah.

No, I heard them.

They spoke English.

Rosa: Come and sit.

Back in Ukraine, I was hospital administrator.

I loved it so.

Oh, thank you, grandma.

I work at Childrens just to be around the administrating.

Blake: Sort of like a lower-stakes "Good Will Hunting."

Rosa: Exactly.

Blake: Yeah. [ Laughs ]

Mmm. This soup is incredible.

Is there a secret ingredient?

Rosa: Oh, yes. [ Chuckles ]

Love.

[ Folk music plays ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Cat: Glenn, come on.

Let yourself go.

Glenn: Ahh...

Cat: Dance.

Glenn: Oh, you know what?

You're right.

The files can wait.

I got to dance!

I got to dance!

[ All cheering ]

Lola: Whoa, Glenn!

Chet: Yeah!

Lola: All right!

Cat: What?!

Glenn: Hey!

Pool! Pool!

Aah!

[ All cheering ]

Lola: [ Vomits ]

Glenn: Free day! [ Laughs ]

Blake: Thank you so much, Sasha.

Really nice meeting you, Andrash.

And you, too, Tiffany.

Don't ever change.

And you... [ laughs ]

This day has been wonderful.

Rosa: No!

Blake: But we -- we have a connection.

I'm Robin Williams, you're Matt Damon.

Let's make love, like they did in the movie.

Rosa: No! No!

I don't like you like that!

Please, Dr. Blake, leave!

Blake: Let me kiss her on the mouth!

Rosa! No! No! No!

No!

Mwah! Mwah!

No!

[ Both laughing ]

Owen: I'll tell you what, chief Smith, I'm gonna go get us some mai tais.

Don't you go anywhere.

Chief: Don't you worry.

Both: Rowr!

[ Both laugh ]

Chief: Mmm.

Lola: Hey! Think fast!

[ Gasps ]

Chief: Wait a minute.

Let me put on my -- my glasses.

Owen: Poo chief, where did chief Smith go?!

You got to help me find her!

Chief: Her is me!

Her is me!

♪ For your sins ♪

Glenn: Hey, Blake, where have you been?

Blake: Well, let's just say that I've been to another world and I fell in love, and it was not mutual, and I was forcibly removed.

Cat: Aw, sweet.

Glenn: Are those patients' files?

Cat: Yeah.

Glenn: Why are you throwing them into the f*re?!

Cat: Don't you get it?

I don't know.

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

Glenn: Sy's on his way back.

Lola: If only any of us knew something about administrating, then we could fix this.

Blake: Wait a minute!

Guys, I have an idea.

Wait right here, okay?

Do you have a sec?

Rosa: No.

Blake: Come on.

Everybody, this is Rosa.

She's my girlfriend.

She can fix this.

Rosa: Not your girlfriend.

Blake told me the situation.

We would have to re-create all the files by calling every patient and getting their medical history.

It's impossible.

Glenn: Oh, I failed.

Blake: Impossible? [ Laughs ]

Nothing's impossible if you follow your heart.

Not even love.

Cat: Hi.

I'm calling from Childrens hospital.

I was wondering, were you ever a patient here?

Beth: And when was his last vaccination?

Blake: What do you think your weight was in 1975?

Lola: I'm still at work.

We have to re-create these stupid patient files we b*rned in a hallway campfire.

Owen: She's so ugly that monkeys take her out of their butts and throw her at people at the zoo.

Cat: And that's it.

We did it!

Lola: Ohh!

Cat: We did it!

Glenn: That's it?!

We replaced all the files?

Cat: No, just this one single file, but you act like it's not that impressive.

Sy: Glenn!

What the hell happened here?!

Cat: Sy, it's fault--

Glenn: No, Cat.

Cat: Oh.

Glenn: I got to own this.

Yeah, we b*rned the files.

And we'd do it again, 'cause, news flash, Sy -- I don't want to run your hospital, 'cause as a surgeon, I make sick money, and you live in a condo at the Harborlight Mall.

Sy: I admit it. I was wr-- I was wr-- I was wro--

Glenn: Sy's having a stroke!

Everybody come quick!

Chet: I got it! I got it!

Lola: No! No! No!

Blake: Thank you, Rosa.

You've been great.

Rosa: I did literally nothing and nothing got fixed.

Blake: Eh, tomayto, tomahto.

Sy: No, I just had trouble saying I was wrong.

It's a tic.

Eh, it's a living.

Sal: Attention, staff.

When I say "That is," you say "All."

That is... that is all.
{"type": "series", "show": "Childrens Hospital", "episode": "04x04 - Free Day"}