FADE IN:

We begin outside the Simpsons house, where HOMER hums as he waters flowers.

To the left of him, BART guides a lawnmower across the yard.

BART: Man!  Rusty old hunk of junk!

The FLANDER'S SON (ROD OR TODD) honks to Bart from the yard over.  He is driving his own lawnmower as he sips a drink.

FLANDER'S SON: Howdy, Bart.  Hot enough for you?

BART (grumbling): Shut up, Flanders.  Hey, Dad, how come we can't get a decent mower like the Flanders have?

HOMER: Just be happy with what you've got, son.  Don't try to keep up with the Flanders.

A horn honks and a large shadow looms over Homer and Bart.  It is NED FLANDERS, driving a brand new trailer house / RV.

NED: How do you like my new wheels, Simpson?

BART: Oh, wow, man!  What an RV!

HOMER: Bart!  I, uh, suppose it has various features.

NED: Oh, it's got everything: microwave, dish washer, big screen TV, deep fryer and oh, see up there on the roof?

Homer gasps.  A shiny satellite dish rests on top.

HOMER: A satellite dish!

NED: Yes, indeedly-doodly.

HOMER: But, uh, how can you afford something like this, Ned?  I get your mail once in a while and you make only 27 dollars a week more than I do.

NED: Oh, it's simple, Simpson.  Credit!

HOMER: Ooh, credit!

CUT TO:

A sign that says: Bob's RV Round-Up.  Another sigh below that says: We'd rather make a friend...than a profit.  Basically, it's a whole lot filled with loads of RV's.  Homer, Bart, MARGE, LISA, and MAGGIE all walk alongside each other.

HOMER: Ooh...aah!

A SALESMAN looks at them from a booth.

SALESMAN: Thank you, God.

He greets them.

SALESMAN: May I help you?

MARGE: We're just browsing, thank you.

HOMER: I'd like to see your finest RV.  Do you have something that's better than the Land Behemoth?

SALESMAN: Yes, we do.  That would be the Ultimate Behemoth.

HOMER: Where is it?

SALESMAN: You are standing in its presence.  Behold!

The Simpsons realize they are standing next to it.  It is gigantic.

BART: Oh, wow!

SALESMAN: Would you look at this thing?  Man built this.  It's a vehicle.

BART: Does it have its own satellite dish, sir?

SALESMAN: You can tell your son it has its own satellite.  The VanStar One, launched last February, just for this thing, that's all.

BART: Whoa, man!

MARGE: I'm not sure that we can afford---

HOMER: Does it have a deep fryer?!

SALESMAN: It has four of them --- one for each part of the chicken.

MARGE: I don't think we can afford this, Homer.

SALESMAN: Let's worry about that later.  Come on.  Let's take a tour.  Want to?  Come on.

CUT TO:

The Simpsons and the salesman look inside the trailer.  Everything is luxurious and well-designed.

BART: Ay, caramba!

LISA: This is better than our house.

HOMER: Wait till Flanders gets a load of this.

MARGE (grumbles): Seems so expensive.

Homer honks the horn.

HOMER: Hey!  How much is it?

SALESMAN: You're a man of your convict --- you just wanted to ask that and blurted it out, didn't you?

HOMER: Yeah, how much is it?

SALESMAN: Well, first of all, I want you to know I like your face.

HOMER: You do?

SALESMAN: I really do.  I'm not saying that.  I mean it.  You got color in there.  You're not Roman, are you?

HOMER: No.

SALESMAN: Look like a god, sort of.  Why don't we step into the credit office, Zeus? (to rest of family).  Hey, your dad's gonna just go in here, work it out, and you'll drive home in this!

QUICK DISSOLVE TO:

The salesman and Homer sit on opposite sides of a desk and talk.

SALESMAN (laughs): I'm not gonna quote you a price till I check your credit rating.  And let me --- I want to make myself clear on this.  This is a formality.  If you're saying to me, "Bob, is this guy good for it?", I say, "Yes.".  I don't check this machine, but I don't own the place, even though's my name up there.  Long story, but that doesn't matter.  I'm gonna have to run it through the computer.

The salesman presses Enter and suddenly, a loud siren erupts.

HOMER: Is that a good siren?  Am I approved?

SALESMAN: You ever know a siren to be good? (chuckles).  No, Mr. Simpson, it's not.  It's a bad siren.  That's the computer in case I went blind, telling me "Sell the vehicle to this fella and you're out of business!".  That's what the siren says.

HOMER: Oh.

SALESMAN: Seems the Ultimate Behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range.  And "wee bit" is me being polite.  You couldn't afford this thing if you lived to be a million.

HOMER: Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range?  I don't wanna go away empty handed, Bob.

SALESMAN: Take it easy there.  Don't ruin this feeling I'm getting for ya.  Perhaps I can show you something, uh...a little more you.

QUICK DISSOLVE TO:

A broken down, old, and disgusting trailer.  The windows are broken, there are scratches are everywhere, and the seats are teared.

SALESMAN: Well, what do you think?

The whole family groans.

BART: You gotta be kidding me.

MARGE: Used, isn't it?

SALESMAN: What'd you say?

HOMER: Uh, is it used?

SALESMAN: Mr. Simpson, you're never gonna own a better RV.  And I don't mean that in a good way.  I mean literally.  This is it for you, you know?  It's this or a wagon.

HOMER: Then, uh...how much do you want for it?

SALESMAN: This is yours.  The price I'm quoting you...you're not gonna hand it to someone else?  Cause I'm gonna give you a price for you, not for someone else.  Someone else, I'm doubling this.

HOMER: I swear it, Bob.

SALESMAN: This is you and me.

HOMER: Yeah!

SALESMAN: In other words, two months from now, I see this vehicle, your head's in that window.

HOMER: On my honor.

SALESMAN: 350 a month.

HOMER: Oh, I don't know.  Would it be all right if I conferred with my family?

SALESMAN: Oh, Mr. Simpson, if you have to go talk it over with those humans out there, then there's something wrong with all of us.  You look like a man who is able to make a decision or I wouldn't be wasting---see that man over there?

The salesman points.

HOMER: Yeah.

SALESMAN: He's buying this.  Did you know that?

HOMER: No.

SALESMAN: Called me two minutes before you came in, said "Save the little one, I'm coming now."  Here he is.  Now you want it or not?

HOMER: All right, all right.  I'll take it!

SALESMAN: Best decision you ever made.  You are gonna --- you are gonna --- this is gonna change your life.

CUT TO:

A muffler pops as Homer rides the RV to the front of Flander's house.  The engine sputters a bit.  Homer yells out the window.

HOMER: Hey, Flanders.  Look what I got.

NED: (whistles): Oh, she's a beaut!  Hey, congratulations, Simpson, I'm sure you'll have loads of fun.

HOMER (chuckles): Jealous.  Everybody ready?

BART: I hate this, I don't wanna go.

HOMER: That's the spirit!  Ready or not, nature, here we come!

The RV rolls down the road sputtering as Flanders waves goodbye.

QUICK DISSOLVE TO:

The Simpsons stands in the front of a long line of traffic.  Cars honk at him from behind.

BART: Turkey farm?

LISA: No.

BART: Skunks?

LISA: No.

BART: Slaughterhouse?

LISA: No.

MARGE: What are you doing back there?

LISA: We're playing, "What's that odor?"

Lisa sniffs.

BART: Dad's feet?

HOMER: Bart!

LISA: You win, Bart.

HOMER: Lisa!

BART: Are we there yet, Dad?

HOMER: I'll tell you when we get there.  Go back to your smell game.

Homer turns a corner and the RV travels through some trees.

MARGE: Homer, I'm telling you...this is not the interstate.

HOMER (scoffs): Pssh.  Maps.

MARGE: Shouldn't we stop somewhere and ask for directions?

HOMER: Don't worry, this is an all-terrain vehicle.

Homer drives over several hills and then into a big body of water.

MARGE: My feet are getting wet!

HOMER: Oh, come on.  We're getting back to nature.

LISA: Mom, I'm scared.

MARGE: We all are, dear.  Your father says there's nothing to worry about.

Homer begins whistling as the vehicle makes it way out the water and begins crushing numerous trees in its path.

HOMER: What do you think?  Should we stop here?

ALL: Yes!!

HOMER: All righty.

He slams on the brakes.  The vehicle comes to a screeching halt.

HOMER: Well, here we are.

Suddenly, the vehicle begins leaning forward...the truck is careening off the side of a cliff.  Everybody screams.

HOMER: Okay, nobody move, and nobody panic.  When I give the word, everyone, ever so slowly, open your door and slide out.  On the count of three.  One---

The doors are all opened and everybody but Homer exit.  Homer climbs out himself.  The RV falls off the cliff, falls for several seconds, and then explodes at the bottom.  Smoke drifts up.

LISA: The Simpsons have entered the forest.

FADE TO BLACK:

FADE IN:

The Simpsons talk in a group at the top of the cliff.

HOMER: Well, ha, ha, now we get a chance to be real pioneers.  Yes, sir, this is a real adventure.

Bart, Lisa, and Maggie shiver in fear.

HOMER: Why, I bet there are people who would trade everything they have in the world for an adventure like this.

BART: You mean, like we just did?

Maggie shivers.

HOMER: Will somebody help her?

LISA: Look, Maggie. Birdies.

A group of vultures fly around in the sky.

MARGE: Oh, Homer, what are we going to do?

HOMER: Now, don't worry, our situation isn't as bad as it seems.  And you're forgetting...I'm an experienced woodsman.  Now you all stay here for a minute while I go over this way and try to get my bearings.

Homer walks away for several seconds, then sits down on a rock and begins crying.

HOMER: What am I gonna do?  I've m*rder us all.

"I've m*rder us all" echoes across the entire canyon.  The rest of the Simpson family looks over.

HOMER: Shut up!

"Shut up!" echoes across the canyon.

HOMER: Doh!

Same effect.  Marge groans.

DISSOLVE TO:

Homer works on some kind of structure, placing branches over a big log.

HOMER: There.  Finished.

LISA: You are?

HOMER: Well, it's a quick job, but it's shelter.

The log can't fit more than one person.

MARGE: It is?

HOMER: Uh-huh.  We'll be back with help before you know it. (motions to Bart).  You girls just stay here and relax.

LISA: Remember, Dad, the handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.

HOMER: (chuckles): That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class.  We're in the woods.

Marge and Lisa groan as Bart and Homer walk off.  Maggie suddenly crawls out of the log and begins crawling after them.

LISA: Should Maggie be going with them, Mom?

MARGE: No, I don't think they'll be gone long, and she's in good hands, Lisa.

Vultures fly over the logs and then take off in the direction of Homer and Bart.

BART: There aren't any dangerous animals in the forest, are there, Dad?

HOMER: Well, might be a few but don't worry.  If you leave them alone, they'll leave you alone.

BART: It's a deal.

HOMER: And remember not to act afraid.  Animals can smell fear and they don't like it.  Besides, there's nothing to be afraid of.

BART: Right.

Behind them, Maggie sucks on her pacifier.  Homer gasps.

HOMER: A rattler!

BART: I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid, I'm not---

HOMER: Run, you fool!!

Homer and Bart run off screaming while Maggie waits behind them.  They slow down after a couple feet and gasp for air.

HOMER: Through here, boy.  Back to civilization.

BART: How do you know?

HOMER: When you're an experienced woodsman like me, you get a feel for these things.  It becomes natural, like a third sense.

They walk through a bush and finds themselves falling off a cliff.  Both scream like crazy until they land in a stream of water.  They continue yelling as it carries them around a bend and down a waterfall.

CUT TO:

The camp ground, where Lisa and Marge are building a better shelter.  Lisa cleans as Marge sets up squirrels for decoration.

MARGE: The boys certainly are taking a long time.  I hope Maggie isn't slowing them up too much.

CUT TO:

Maggie sits alone on a dirt path.  Suddenly, a large shadow looms over her.  She looks up.  It's a giant grizzly bear!  He growls and prepares to att*ck her when she sticks a pacifier in his mouth.

He sucks on his, she sucks on hers, and soon they are rhythmically sucking together.

CUT TO:

Homer surfaces from the water.

HOMER: Bart!  Where are you, Bart?

He sees a red cap and gasps.

HOMER: His lucky red hat.  Oh, dear God!  No!  Bart, Bart, Bart!

Homer swims over to a piece of land and cries.

HOMER: Oh, Bart!  Oh, Bart, my beautiful son!  Why couldn't You have taken me??  Of all the fates on heaven and earth, why did this one befall me?

BART: Don't have a cow, Dad.

HOMER: What the---?

Homer looks over.  Bart is on another piece of land opposite to him.  Both of them are completely stripped naked.

HOMER: You're alive!  And (chuckles) buck naked.

BART: I'm not the only one, Home boy.

HOMER: What?

He looks down.  His "area" is covered by a large bush.

HOMER: Ooooh! (chuckles).  Jungle man.

He begins screaming and tapping his chest like an ape.

CUT TO:

Maggie is being carried along by the big bear.  He brings her to a whole crowd of bear, who growl at her.  He does several motions and growls and they look weirdly at him.

CUT TO:

Back to Homer and Bart, now on the same side.

HOMER: The first thing you learn about surviving in the woods, boy: Conceal your nakedness.

BART: Yeah, man.

HOMER: Okay.  Slap a fern on there, boy.  And now with some mud.  There.  Oooh...that requires a little moss.  And some moss for me.  All right.  We're ready to h*t the town.

They've made a complete covering for themselves.  Pretty ingenuous, actually.

BART: But, Dad, I am so hungry!  Can't we eat something first?  I'm starving, man.

HOMER: Ahh, food, good thinking, son.  This young sapling ought to do the trick.

Homer starts tying a noose on the ground.

BART: What are we gonna do, hang ourselves?

HOMER: No!  This is a trap.  It's gonna catch us our dinner.  Come on, boy.  Shh.  Just watch.

The two hide behind a bush and watch as a rabbit comes into view.

HOMER: Oooh.

The rabbit observes a leaf in the noose and steps inside.

HOMER: A-ha!  Got him!

The sapling and the noose fling up, sending the rabbit flying into the clouds and beyond.  There is a thud far away.

HOMER: Okay, okay.  This time I'll just go into the bushes over there, make a lot of noise, and flush out a rabbit.  And when he comes out, you step on him.

BART: Right, Dad.

Homer walks into a bush.  There is some chittering, then Homer screams, and he walks out with rabbits, squirrels, snakes, and raccoons all hanging on to different parts of his body.

HOMER: Oooh, get 'em off me!  Get 'em off me!

He rolls around in front of Bart, who stands there doing nothing.

DISSOLVE TO:

Another campground, where a family sits with their baby.

MAN: Great camping trip, honey.  Traveled 800 miles, haven't even seen a squirrel yet.

WOMAN: Well, the ranger at the gate said we should watch out for bears.

A bear hides in the bushes, starring at them.

MAN: Ooh, bears.  (laughs).

WOMAN: Mm-hmm.

MAN: Right, right.  Let me show you how many bears there are around here.  Uh, hello, bears!  Um, come on.  Have a donut!  Oh, what the heck, have me!  Come and get it!

WOMAN: All right, all right.  You made your point.

MAN: (laughs) (mocking) Bears.

The bear sneaks up behind them.

He steals a bottle from the baby and brings it back to Lisa, who waits in the cave.  She begins drinking as he also brings a baby doll.  Then, a toy.  And a ball.  And another toy.  And cubes.  And a light.

Soon, it is night time and the bears all crowd around Lisa and her collection of goodies.

CUT TO:

Simpson campground.  An owl hoots as Marge and Lisa sit around a campfire.

LISA: I hope Maggie and the boys are all right.

MARGE: Oh, I'm sure they're just fine.  After all, we built a f*re and we don't know anything about nature.  Imagine what your father, an experienced woodsman, has done.

LISA: Yeah, I suppose so.  Good night, Mom.

MARGE: Good night, dear.

They both lie down to sleep.

DISSOLVE TO:

Homer and Bart in a similar position but without a campfire...or clothes.  They are freezing.

BART (teeth chattering): G-G-Good n-n-night, D-D-Dad.

A wolf howls in the background.

HOMER: G-G-Good n-n-night, son.  Sleep tight.

Their teeth chatter.

DISSOLVE TO:

Maggie, sleeping in the embrace of one of the bears.  She wakes up and covers herself with one of his arms.

FADE TO BLACK

FADE IN:

Morning.  Bart and Homer emerge from a cluster of trees.

BART (groaning): Are we there yet?

HOMER: No!

BART: Are we ever gonna be there?

HOMER: How would I know?  Quit asking pointless---

He gasps.

HOMER: Bart, look!

Homer spies several bees flying around a honeycomb.

HOMER: Honey.  Honey!  We're saved.

BART: Uh, Homer.  Bees?

Homer att*cks it, takes a slop of honey, and gobbles it up.

BART: How is it?

HOMER: Tangy.

He spits out several bees and starts to choke.  Then, he starts shouting gibberish.

BART: What?

Homer makes motions.

BART: Oh, water?  That-a-way, man.

Homer runs off.

CUT TO:

A man filming a reindeer near a stream of muddy water.  Suddenly, Homer emerges from the bushes and plunges himself into the water.  The man yells.  Homer advances towards him and the man runs away screaming.  Homer stands still, sadly defeated.

DISSOLVE TO:

A TV special, titled BIGFOOT! (with a picture of Homer in mud)

TV ANNOUNCER: Bigfoot.  The legendary half-man, half-ape is no longer a legend.  He's very, very real.  What you're about to see is unedited video footage taken earlier today in the hills three miles southwest of Tenderfoot Gorge.

The shaky camera shows Homer screaming (same scene).

TV ANNOUNCER: Now, the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures was most impressed with the creature's uncivilized look, its foul language and, most of all, its indescribable stench.  A popular supermarket tabloid has offered a reward of $5,000 of anyone who brings in the creature alive.

A standard tabloid is shown, but a modified picture of Homer.

TV ANNOUNCER: Naturally, we'll have more on this story as soon as it develops.  We now return you to the president's address already in progress.

CUT TO:

Homer, still dirty, and Bart sit on a log.

FADE TO BLACK

FADE IN:

A group of people (a lot with cameras) gather around the entrance to the park, all mindlessly chattering.  There are concession stands for such things as "Official Bigfoot Souveniers" and "Half-Man Half-Ape Burgers".

There's even a photo op with a paper replica of Bigfoot.

A tough-looking PARK RANGER talks with Lisa and Marge.

PARK RANGER: It looks as if you girls have been getting along all right but it's a darn good thing we found you when we did.  There's something horrible roaming these woods.

MARGE: There is?

The ranger hands her a newspaper.  The headline reads "Bigfoot Still at Large" with Homer's picture.

MARGE: Why, that's my husband!

CUT TO:

A new magazine flashing up.  The headline reads "I married BIgfoot" with Homer and Marge on the cover.

CUT TO:

Marge, who gives a press conference to several reporters, all who shove their microphones into her face.

MARGE: His name isn't Bigfoot.  His name is Homer.

CUT TO:

An updated newspaper.  Headline: "Bigfoot's Wife Pleads: "Call Him Homer!".

CUT TO:

Back to the conference.

FEMALE REPORTER: What does it eat?

MARGE: I don't understand.  What's this all about?  Well, I suppose pork chops are his favorite.

CUT TO:

Newspaper.  "The Bigfoot Diet: Pork Chops Aplenty".

CUT TO:

Behind Marge, a group of bears arrive.

MALE REPORTER: Hey, get those bears out of here.  I'm trying to do an interview.

ASSISTANT: No bears!  We're taping!  All bears off the set.

The bears leave.  Nobody notices Maggie riding on one of them.

MALE REPORTER: Okay.  Now let's get back to your, uh, husband.  How would you describe your marital relations?  Brutish?

MARGE: Is this going to be on TV?

MALE REPORTER: Coast to coast.

Marge groans.

CUT TO:

The tired Homer and Bart, still wading through endless trees.

HOMER: Just a little further.

BART: Are we there yet? 

HOMER: Just a little further.

BART: Are we there yet? 

HOMER: Just a little further.

BART: Are we there yet? 

HOMER: Just a little further.

Homer sniffs the air.

HOMER: Food!

He walks into the bear's cave and is surprised to find a bear towering over them.  Soon, the entire clan surrounds them.

HOMER: Nice grizzlies.

They slowly back away...

HOMER: N-nice grizzlies.  Nice grizzlies.

BART: What do we do, Dad?

HOMER: Praise the grizzlies, son.

BART + HOMER: Nice grizzlies.  Nice grizzlies.

HOMER: That's a good grizzly.

The bears growl.  Bart starts to whimper when the sucking of a pacifier is heard.  The bears turn around and see Maggie.  Slowly, the bears back away. 

BART + HOMER: Huh?

HOMER: Maggie!  Oh, my little girl.

He picks her up.

DISSOLVE TO:

Homer and Maggie walk (well, walk and crawl) out of the cave.  Homer slowly backs out, still saying "Nice grizzlies, nice grizzlies."

BART: Later, grizzly dudes.

Maggie looks back and sucks her pacifier.  The bears stare in sadness.  One has even got a pacifier in his mouth.  Maggie waves and crawls away.

DISSOLVE TO:

Bart and Maggie and Homer walk through a field when they hear chattering.

BOY: Look!  It's him!  It's Bigfoot!

VOICE: Get in the car.   Get em.  Get em.

All the reporters and hunters rush towards him.  They throw a net over Homer and bring him to the ground.

BOY: We got him!  We got Bigfoot!

PARK RANGER: You are darn lucky we got here in time to rescue you.

BART: What the hell are you talking about, sir?

Homer grumbles and escapes from the net.

CATCHER: He's getting away!  After him!

CATCHER 2:  We gotta take him alive.  You got that tranquilizer g*n ready?

A woman loads a g*n with a dart and fires.  It lands in Homer's...um...backside.  He shrieks and falls.

BART: Dad!  Oh, Dad!

HOMER: Avenge me, son.  Avenge my death.

Homer begins snoring.

DISSOLVE TO:

A television program.  Homer is kept in a glass cage.

TV REPORTER: Last week's capture of Bigfoot turned into the scientific poser of the century.

Homer is handed a pork chop and he slops it down.

TV REPORTER: Although the creature was ultimately released, the question remains, "Who was this Homer?"  Was it a man, or was it in fact the legendary missing link known as Bigfoot?

HOMER: Could I have some applesauce?

TV REPORTER: Specialists around the world gathered at the Springfield Primate Institute for a firsthand examination of the controversial creature.  They are now ready to announce their findings.

CUT TO:

The conference.  Marvin (from a couple episodes ago) speaks to a room full of reporters.

MARVIN: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, distinguished colleagues, after extensive biological and anatomical testing, I regret to announce that the evidence we have is inconclusive.  This thing may or may not be human.

The crowd chatters.

GERMAN SCIENTIST: That's what he thinks.  I say it's none other than Bigfoot himself.

FRENCH SCIENTIST: Oh, no, I disagree. I think it is a man.  The eyes have the glimmer of human intelligence.

RANDOM SCIENTIST: Really.  Glimmer in the eyes.  What about the sloping ape-like forehead?

Back at home, Marge and Homer watch this on their television.

HOMER: Oh, the guys at work are gonna have a field day with this.

MARGE: Cheer up, Homer.  At least they let you go.

GERMAN SCIENTIST: Gentlemen, gentlemen, fraulein, please.  This much I believe we can agree upon: this specimen is either a below-average human being or a brilliant beast.

HOMER (scoffs): Stupid egghead.

He turns the TV off.

MARGE: Oh, Homer.  My brilliant beast.

She kisses him on the cheek and turns off the light.

FADE OUT

CREDITS BEGIN

THE END.
{"type": "series", "show": "The Simpsons", "episode": "01x07 - The Call of the Simpsons"}