Maggie: Hi honey.

Jason: Oh you're back...have you seen my credit cards?

Maggie: Oh yes...Did you know that you could double a spending limit with just one call?

Jason: You're kidding!You didn't.

Maggie: Relax; we only shopped at the back to school sales.

Ben: I'm supposed to start the tenth grade in Marvin Kline jeans?

Mom: They are just as good as the expensive ones.

Ben: Nothing comes between me and my Marvins?Please!

Chrissy: Look daddy, I got a new lunch box.

Jason: Hannibal lector?What happen to the surfs?

Chrissy: Dad, I'm starting kindergarden... I'ts a very fast crowd.What are you doing?

Carol: Well I have to start packing, I'm moving to the dorm on Monday.

Ben: Yes, yes yes!!!

Chrissy: Carol, this house won't be the same without you.

Ben: Yes Yes Yes!!!

Mike: Marvin Klines?Hahaha.

Jason: Hey Mike I'm glad you're here.Listen you and I have to have a little talk before we register for school.

Mike: Oh I already did it dad...and you guys can rest easy, I'm taking my courses seriously this time.

Maggie: Bugs bunny as archetype?Hero or Wascal?

Mike: If Boynton state teachers college offers it, that's e..eee..eee.e..enough for me.

Jason: Come on What's with these courses this year...Psychology?You're taking psychology?

Mike: Yeah it's because I admire you dad.

Ben: Oh man, is it getting thick in here or what...

Maggie: Come on guys let's put your clothes away

Jason: Well, I wish we had discussed this first...See; the learning antic's down at the community center needs a student-teacher.

Mike: So?

Jason: I thought you might be interested.

Mike: Why?

Jason: Well, for one it pays a hundred dollars a week.

Mike: A hundred dollars a week huh?

Jason: Yeah and you also get the satisfaction out of giving a hand to some kids who need help.

Mike: A hundred dollars a week huh?No, dad I can't...I'm going to be busy with school.

Jason: Boynton state offers course credit for student teaching

Mike: Ok I'll do it.

Jason: You will?

Mike: Yeah.

Jason: Yeah.

Mike: Yeah, all right now I can drop psychology.

Chrissy: What if I don't like kindergarden?

Maggie: Oh Chrissy you are going to have so much fun today...Just remember to be polite and share, and do what your teacher says.

Ben: Great advice mom.Why don't you just tattoo “dweeb” on her forehead?

Maggie: Honey your brother is just using a figure of speech, as in “put a sock in it”.

Ben: Mom, on the first day of school, if you are not careful, you'll get a label that's going to dog you for the rest of your life.

Chrissy: Like what?

Ben: Sit in front, "dorfburger" Answer any questions: Bugerhead; Hang out with anyone wearing glasses: Geekus Maximus; And most important: Eat the green jello, asta la vista baby.

Maggie: What is wrong with green Jello?

Ben: Leo lime tongue plotnic.

Maggie: And who is he?

Ben: Just the secretary/ treasurer of the chess club.

Chrissy: Oh my gosh...I like green jello!

Maggie: Cut it out Ben...and Chrissy you just eat all the green jello you want.

Ben: There gonna call you lime tongue!

Carol: Isn't it a glorious day?I feel intrepid, leaving the nest and taking nothing with me.

Jason: Nothing uh?

Mike: Carol, I think I accidentally just tuned your guitar.

Carol: I'm in such a good mood today that not even an annoying pest like you could bother me.

Mike: Oh please Carol, annoying?

Carol: Mike, I'm serious, not just annoying...

Jason: Hey hey can we please maybe; it's a special day....How about a truce? Mike, you got any butterflies about your first day teaching?

Mike: Oh no way dad, I got all my lines memorized.Heres your books, study on your own, class dismissed.What do you think?

Carol: Jee, maybe they can make a movie about you.Drool, and deliver.

Mike: Hello, uh excuse me, Francis x Tedesco?

Francis: Not until 8am.(Sigh) How may I serve you?

Mike: Uh, well I'm here for the remedial studies class.

Francis: 8:30, seventh floor, room C.Whoom the teacher, go to jail.

Mike: No you don't understand, you see, I'm the teacher.

Francis: You're Seaver, Michael A?

Mike: Or as they call me at Boynton state "the teaching fool".

Francis: Student teachers full of jokes and youthful enthusiasm.How long do you think it will be until your dreams are shattered?Your dreams broken...

Mike: Well, my dad said I had to stay until 4:30.What are those?

And yet I must fill out everyone in triplicate

Mike: Why?

Francis: It's the only thing that stands between us and anarchy.

Mike: Yeah, I feel the same way about Brand.

Mike: Yeah, pretty much I think.

Francis: These are your hiring forms.The only thing more agonizing than filling these out is filling out these termination forms.

This task is like having a claw hammer shoved up your nose.This one is like having it yanked out.

All I ask is that before you start working here you will agree to stay.

Mike: Hey the teaching fool does not know the meaning of the word quit.

Francis: You will be in charge of the students two days a week; you will be evaluated bi-monthly.

Remember these are remedial students that need extra attention, which you- the teaching fool- will provide.

Mike: Ok, all right, great...well what should I start teaching today? I'm great at arts and Crafts.

Francis: Science.

Mike: Science....Some of my best friends took science.

Carol: Perfect...now this is the room of an independent woman.

Ann Miller: Carol Seaver?

Carol: Marie Ann miller?I am so pleased to meet you.I just want to say I'm so excited about living in the dorm.

I know we are going to become great friends as we grow to know each other.

Ann Miller: Do you have a couple of hours to spend in the cafeteria right now?

Carol: Yes.

Ann Miller: Great because I have a boyfriend and we would like to be alone.

Mike: Uh, hey everybody...Good morning...I'm your teacher.My name is Mike seaver...S e a v e r and we will be starting at the beginning today.

Chapter 1: Gravity.That's g r a v... i t y, gravity.Uh, well, let's face it...this gravity stuff is pretty easy right?

I mean why else would they put it in front of the book?Ok?I mean, I could tell you about it, but I don't want to insult your intelligence.

All right so that leaves about 59 minutes to k*ll.So anybody see the Knicks-Bulls game the other night?

Mike: Ok fine, fine, fine...I was just trying something a little new with you guys but I can see you are just not ready for it yet.

Ok, we will go by the book....you happy?Gravity is the centr....

Centp...centripetal force that keeps the earth from flying to pieces, and the universe from becoming a dark, endless, desolate cloud of dust.

Wow...Bumber...

Mike: A fair question. A very fair question...Does anybody have the answer to that?

Well, before I give you my own personal explanation, why don't we see what the so called expert's have to say... The earth's gravity exerts a constant and

equal force on all objects, regardless of mass, for example a feather and a coin must fall at exactly the same speed.

Mike: What?

Luke: You just said that a feather and a coin would fall at exactly the same speed.

Mike: I certainly did not...oh I did.

Luke: But they don't.I tried it.

Mike: Well the book says that they do, so why don't we just move on ok?

Luke: Prove it.

Everybody: O...

Mike: Ok, ok fine.Feather, quarter.

Luke: The book is wrong, end of story.

Mike: They should check this stuff out before they printed it.Ok ok I got it.

Luke: It doesn't matter how you drop them.You can blow them out your ears if you want.The smarter money is on the quarter.

Mike: I don't get this.This guy doesn't know what he's talking about.

Student: Neither do you.

Student 2: Finally, a teacher that's dumber than we are.Is this a great country or what?

Maggie: Hi honey, how was kindergarten?

Chrissy: This was the worst day of my life

Maggie: Oh what happened?

Chrissy: Nothing, I sat in the back, no one talked to me, and when they passed out the musical instruments, I got the stick.

Maggie: Oh honey everyone gets the...That happens to everyone sometimes. Wait a minute; did you do what Ben said?

Chrissy: I didn't want to be a "dorfburger".

Maggie: Ben Seaver, do you know what you did by filling your sister's head with your silly....

Ben: Mom can this wait?I just had the worst day of my life.

Chrissy: Did you get the stick too?

Chrissy: You sat in the front?

Ben: Yeah.Right under Mrs.Sampson's nose, which -believe me -is not a pretty site.

Maggie: Oh Ben...

Ben: Then at lunch, some big guy with sideburns forced me to eat green jello.God help me, I liked it.

Chrissy: You ate green jello?

Ben: Yeah, and I was like the nerd magnet.The whole chess club sat with me.They elected me president.

Maggie: Oh Ben, that doesn't make you a nerd...

Ben: No, well this does: The school nurse says I need glasses.We are talking full frontal nerdity.I've h*t rock bottom.

Chrissy: Not yet.Your baby sister is going to b*at you up.

Maggie: Oh hi Carol, I wasn't expecting you home from dinner.

Carol: Mom, I don't have time for your problems.I just had the worst day of my life.

Maggie: How was your dorm room?

Carol: Why don't you ask somebody who spent some time there?Like my roommate's boyfriend.

Maggie: (laughing)

Carol: Mom, what's so funny?

Maggie: Well, a very similar thing happened to me while I was in college...There was this girl who had this stud boyfriend, they were always at it,

they never stopped, until one day her roommate decided shed had enough, and she marched right in there and she told her off for good.

Carol: And you were the roommate?

Maggie: No I was the girl with the stud boyfriend.

Carol: Whoa, mom.And dad was the stud?You two were always at it?You never stopped?

Maggie: No, actually the stud was Danny Cross.It was a little bit before I mentioned your father, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention it...

Jason: Hi ladies.

Maggie: Hi.

Jason: Mention what?

Carol: Oh nothing we were just talking about mom's days in the dorm.

Jason: Hoho, the Danny cross thing...

Maggie: Who told you about me and Danny Cross?

Jason: Danny Cross.Why did you think I asked you out?

Mike: Come in.

Jason: Hey we missed you at dinner; I thought maybe you'd like some of your mom's famous Swedish meatballs.

Mike: Ah, no thanks dad, I'm not hungry.It was a total failure.

Jason: What happened?

Mike: I spoke.

Jason: Oh come on, it couldn't have been all that bad.

Mike: Oh no?Dad, I had an entire class laugh at me today.One kid said I was dumb.The only argument he got was from another kid that said I was stupid.

Jason: Did you really think that teaching was going to be easy?

Mike: Why do you think I signed up?Dad, I thought teaching was going to be all pop quizzes and looking up answers in the back of the book.

But there was this one smart little kid who kept asking me to explain stuff.

I mean every time I didn't know what I was talking about, he would f*re off another round.

He was like a dumb seeking m*ssile.I mean what's with him?I didn't ask questions in school.

Jason: Well, there's always going to be one kid smarter than you Mike, that's the one that's going to keep you on your toes.

Mike: Yeah, what makes you so sure?

Jason: I know, I got a son who's smarter than I am.

Mike: Oh come on dad, you got it all over Ben.

You are either going to stick with it, or you are going to give it up.And I know you will know the right thing to do.

Mike: Ah, Mr.Tedesco we have to talk.

Francis: About what?

Mike: Well, you are going to laugh...you see uh, remember yesterday when we were talking about teaching and commitment?

Francis: You're quitting.

Mr.Tedesco are you ok?

Francis: I have a sharp blinding pain behind my left eye

Mike: Well, can I get you something?

Francis: Seaver!!!We interfaced.

Mike: Mr.Tedesco, I'll do anything to make it up for you.

Francis: Teach your class today.

Mike: I'll do anything else to make it up for you.

Francis: Seaver, I can't possibly get a replacement on such short notice.Teach you must and teach you will.

Mike: But...

Mike: Look, I'm sorry, it's just that I can't face those kids again.

Francis: I'm seeing tiny white expl*si*n.Under different circumstances they might actually be pretty.

Carol: All right you two, enough with this smut face.This is my room, I have rights too, and I want you out.

Did you hear me?Out!Hey you are not Mari Ann's boyfriend....and you aren't Mari Ann.And what happened to my posters?Mercy, I'm on the wrong floor.Tata.

Mike: Yes, yeah...ok everyone have a seat.Ok, now about yesterday...

Everyone: Oh man.....

Student 1: Chill, chill everybody...Professor Einstein is talking.

Student 2: What are you going to teach us today?The sun is like really really hot?

Mike: No, today we are going to continue the discussion on gravity.Ok, now we are going to get this right, if it takes all day.

Student 2: I better clear my calendar.

Mike: Ok, the earth's gravity exerts a constant and equal force on all objects, regardless of mass.

For example, a feather and a coin, must fall at exactly the same speed.Once the factor of air resistance is removed....

Air resistance!!!Hey!Hold it right there.Is that a water balloon?

Student: Yes, yes sir.

Mike: Good thinking.All right...has anybody else got one?Guys, guys, guys, yesterday we didn't account for the air resistance.

Luke: What?

Mike: Ok, everybody follow me.We are going to throw them out the window.Ok, everyone observe: A heavy balloon, and a light balloon.

Ok, Luke, I want you to time this.

Luke: 2.2 seconds.

Student: That cold cocked that cat at the same time...

Mike: Ok, now what does that mean?

Luke: The cat is unconscious?

Mike: No, it means that whatever we drop will take 2.2 seconds to h*t the ground.

Luke: What else can we drop?

Student: New year's hat.

Luke: 2.2 seconds, let's try something bigger...

Student 3: Yeah, T.D's lunch.

Student 2: Hey my mom packed that!!!

Luke: 2.2 seconds.

Student 1: We made a pretty cool design too.

Luke: But there's no way feathers are going to drop that fast...

Mike: But the problem with the feather is that air resistance.

Ok, now, maybe the book has more to say...ok come on.

Luke: There's a picture in there of a tube, just like this one.

Luke: That was great, do that again!

Mike: Ok ok.

Luke: This is amazing, this is incredible...you're not as stupid as everyone says you are.

Mike: I'm not, I'm not.

Luke: Hey we got to do more stuff like this.

Mike: Oh yeah you bet, we got a whole book to go through here, and we are only on page what...?

Luke: One.

Mike: Ok, now next time...next time...I got to talk to Tedesco...Uh, carry on.Mr.Tedesco!!!

Mike: Mr.Tedesco we have to talk.

Francis: About what?

Mike: Well, you're going to laugh, but the teaching fool is here to stay.

Student 1: 2.2 seconds!
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x01 - Back to School"}