Maggie: What makes you think I've got news?

Jason: Oh, I know that look Maggie.Either, you've got some good news or you just saw Hari Krishna getting his robe caught in the baggage carousel.

Maggie: Maybe I do, maybe I don't.

Jason: Oh you love teasing me don't you?

Maggie: I am not teasing you.I know something you don't know.

Jason: So I take it the story on Senator Howard went well.

Maggie: Uh-huh.

Jason: And you got lots of good material for your column, and....

Maggie: So what's new?

Jason: Either you talk or I am going to turn this car into oncoming traffic.

Maggie: Ok, not only did I get a great interview for the paper, but Senator Howard was very impressed with me.

Jason: There is a Simi approaching Maggie, spill it.

Maggie: The Senator offered me a job.

Jason: What?!?!

Maggie: Executive director of media relations.

Jason: Oh, well that's fantastic!

Maggie: With a great salary.

Jason: Yeah!

Maggie: Yes, there is only one small catch.

Jason: What?No parking space?

Maggie: Oh, yes, with my name on it.But it's in Washington DC.

Jason: Ah!

Maggie: I can't tell you what an ego boost it was to have the Senator insist I take this job.Do you know what its like to have someone begging at your knees?

Jason: Well, just when Mike needs gas money.

Maggie: And the executive search committee has stopped looking for any other candidates.

Jason: Honey that is very flattering, I guess you really suppressed them.I mean it's not many women walk out of a Senators office saying no.

I would have loved to have seen the look on that cranky old geezers face.

Maggie: Jason, Senator Howard is a woman.

Jason: Oh!Well that explains the pearls he wore on nightline.So how did she take it when you turned her down?

Maggie: Well, actually...

Jason: You did turn her down Maggie?

Maggie: There was a "No" in my heart, but "I'll think about it" came out of my mouth.

Jason: Why didn't "No, my family lives in New York" come out?

Maggie: Well Jason what was I suppose to say?Sorry, I can't help you chart the world's go-political future; there is a pork festival at the Piggly-Wiggly.

Jason: Simple, "Stuff it Senator" would suffice.

Maggie: Oh really?And would you have said stuff it if you had been offered the perfect job?

Jason: The Islanders already have a goalie.

Maggie: Oh!Jason I'm serious.

Jason: Well Maggie, if it meant un-employing my spouse and uprooting my children, yes of course, I would have to say no.

Maggie: Well obviously I'm turning it down.But you could have at least let me revel in the fantasy for a minute, before tightening down the guilt screws.

Jason: I'm sorry, let's revel.

Maggie: Now I don't feel like it.

Jason: Come on Maggie, please, I am begging for details now.

Maggie: Well it is kind of impressive.I would have had a staff of twenty people.

Jason: Wow!

Maggie: I would have been testifying before congress and lobbying for consumer rights.

Jason: You in congress?

Maggie: Yes, I would have had a major voice in shaping legislation.I actually would have had more to say in running this government then Marilyn Quail.

Jason: I had no idea it was this big.

Maggie: Oh honey, it's the perfect blend of journalism and rights advocacy.It's everything I have ever wanted in a job.

Oh boy, I just realized the longer I put off turning this down the sadder I'll be.I'll call the Senator right now.

Jason: Maggie you can't turn this job down.

Maggie: Now you revel.

Jason: Honey I'm serious, I'm deadly serious.This job is just too good for you to refuse.

Maggie: Jason this is nuts.

Jason: Well wait a minute, we have been taking care of the kids all these years, haven't we always said we needed to do something for ourselves?

Maggie: Well I always assumed you meant his and her massages at Mr.Steve's.

Jason: Maggie, think about this.

Maggie, Jason what about your practice?

Jason: Well I have wanted to do some clinical work.There are great clinics in Washington.Maggie, maybe its time that I shook my life up a little bit too.

Maggie: But what about yanking the kids out of school?

Jason: Carol is an adult, Mike is over twenty-one.

Maggie: Well what about Ben and Chrissy?

Jason: Honey they are cute, somebody will take then in.Honey, this could be a great opportunity for them.

Maggie: You mean just pick up and move?

Jason: Well we will discuss it with the whole family.

Maggie: Oh Jason!

Jason: I just thought of another fringe benefit.

Maggie: What?

Jason: If you get on Good Morning America I could meet Joan London.

Maggie: Oh!

Chrissy: What is a Seaver summit anyway?

Mike: Well it's a supper duper important family meeting.

Carol: Presumably important enough to make us miss Cross f*re with Pat Buchanan and Pewee Herman.

Ben: So important that we have only had two in my lifetime.The last one was to tell us you were going to be born.

Mike: Yeah, and the other was when you got caught singing "I'm looking under a two legged wonder" during nap time.

Jason: All right, glad you're all here.

Carol: This had better be good.

Maggie: Oh it is, at least we hope you all think it is.

Ben: Oh my God!You're going to have another baby.

Jason and Maggie: No, no!

Jason: But your mom does have some exciting news she'd like to share with you.

Chrissy: We are finally getting a dog?

Maggie: No, we are moving.

Mike: We are what?

Ben: No way!

Carol: No kidding!

Chrissy: No dog?

Maggie: I mean, we might move, that is if you all...

Jason: Maggie why don't you just back and start at page one.

Maggie: Everybody sit down.You all know I have been doing a series of interviews with Senator Howard.

Mike: Yeah, isn't he that guy who wore pearls on Night Line?

Maggie: Senator Howard is a woman.

Mike: Get out of town.

Maggie: And yesterday she offered me a job as executive director of media relations.That means moving the family to Washington DC.

Ben: To bad, sounded like a great gig.Well I'm off to Stinky's.

Jason: Woo...Ben, Ben, the Seaver summate is far from over.

Ben: She is your woman dad, you straighten her out.

Jason: Sit of pay rent.

Chrissy: I don't understand what's going on here.

Maggie: Well honey, mommy is thinking about getting a new job.

Chrissy: You're not going to be my mommy any more?

Maggie: No sweetheart, I will always be your mommy.But we are thinking about moving to a wonderful place called Washington DC.

Chrissy: The m*rder capital of the USA?That's what I heard on hard copy.

Jason: Well obviously we have a lot of questions to ask, a lot of thinks to talk about over the next couple of days.

Mike: Oh Boy, that means a lot more boring chit-chat until mom finally comes to her senses.

Maggie: Mike!

Carol: Mike I really don't appreciate your caviler attitude towards mom's career.

Mike: Yeah, well, that's the difference between you and me.

Carol: Yeah, I know what caviler means.

Chrissy: Carol, why does mommy want a new job?

Carol: Well, because it is a great opportunity.

Chrissy: why?

Carol: Well she will have the kind of job that most women only dream of.

Chrissy: Why?

Carol: Chrissy, I am going to speak to you not as a sister, but as a "sister".

Chrissy: Ok.

Carol: Now, as you may have noticed, we live in a male dominated society where in women are mere chattel.

Our mother, "our sister" has the rare opportunity to shrug off the yoke of male oppression.Are you with me so far?

Chrissy: Did you know your nostrils move when you say the letter "M".

Carol: I'm sorry Chrissy; I think I was speaking over your head.

Chrissy: It's ok; when we drive to Washington you can explain how mommy is my "sister".

Carol: Sweetheart, if we move to Washington, I'm not going.

Chrissy: Your not?

Carol: Well no, I'm going to stay at Columbia and live in the dorms.And that way I can be closer to Dwight.

Chrissy: And you're happy about that?

Carol: Well of course I am.

Chrissy: That means I'll never see you again.

Carol: Sure you will, we are family and family stays in touch, it's the law.

Chrissy: It is?

Carol: Um-huh.I'm going to be visiting so much you are going to get tired of looking at this face.

Chrissy: Oh, like the way Ben and Mike do.

Carol: No, not like the way Ben and Mike do.But no matter what, we will always be close.

Chrissy: Pinky swear?

Carol: Hug swear.

Chrissy: I love you.

Carol: I love you.

Maggie: Carol that was really sweet.

Carol: Mom, snap out of it, I was talking to a kid.The truth would have warped her.

Maggie: The truth?

Carol: Oh sure we will see a lot of each other in the beginning, but before long it will just be Thanksgiving and Christmas.

And before you know it our spouses won't want to come over on the holidays.

And before long we will be faxing Valentines and sending cards that say sorry I forgot your birthday.

Maggie: Carol, our birthdays are in the same month.

Carol: Which only makes it all the more tragic.

Maggie: Well we really won't have as much time to spend together.

Maggie: Now it's your turn to share a secret.

Carol: All right.Remember the Saturday night last month when Debbie, Shelly, and I went to the library and then we spent the night at Debbie's house?

Maggie: Yeah.

Carol: Well we didn't study at all.

Maggie: Yeah.

Carol: Instead, we took the train into Manhattan and went to this really neat dance club in Soho.

Maggie: Yeah?

Carol: You had to be twenty-one to get into this place so Debbie and Shelly were about to give up.But I was so cool, I greased the doorman.

Maggie: Greased?

Carol: I slipped him twenty dollars to let us in.I mean is that neat or what?

It was so great, we danced till four in the morning with these guys who didn't even speak English.

And then we took the train back and snuck into her room and were sound asleep before her parents ever woke up.And to this day, no one is any the wiser.

Carol: Oh, come-on mom I admire you.I mean there are very few women who are willing to deny their families needs and think only of themselves.

Maggie: Oh Jason, the more I think about this move the more I question whether taking this job is right.

Jason: Of course it is.

Maggie: Well how can you say that when we will be upsetting our children's lives?

Jason: Our children love to be upset, about time we got even.I don't mean to make light of this Maggie, it's just that change is good for people.

It makes them stronger.

Maggie: Or scars them for life.Remember the time I rearranged the living room furniture?Ben had nightmares for a week.

Jason: Not to mention black and blue legs.Our kids have been uprooted before Maggie, remember that weekend we all had to spend at Mike's?

Ben: I can't sleep on this floor, things are crawling on me.

Mike: Hey wait a minute, wooo, hold on, time out.I'm the one who owns the bed and you guys are going to sleep in it.

I'm suppose to sleep on the floor?No way!Make room.

Jason: Oh!

Carol: Hey Mike that's my foot!

Jason: Well who has got their elbow in my back?

Maggie: Guys my toenails!

Jason: You can't have this many people in this bed!

Mike: Dad I have had twice this many people in this baby.Don't worry they were all guys.You know what I mean.

Carol: Wait Ben, did you wet the bed?

Ben: No!Wait a minute, we are not all wetting the bed, the bed is wetting us.

Carol: I just want to point out that it was Mike who broke the waterbeds back!

Jason: Oh shut up!!

Maggie: Oh nice, the genius who canceled his credit card tells his daughter to "shut up"?!

Jason: I did what I had to do, and I'm telling you staying here is a lot better then borrowing money from Walter!

Maggie: That's because he wouldn't have lent it to you!

Jason: Oh yeah?Well that shows how much you know, I didn't even ask him!Yeah that's right!A man has pride!

Maggie: You we weren't forced to stay in this place, you chose this?!

Jason: That's right, I chose it!But that was before I so stupidly thought that we might enjoy this as a little family fun!!!

Ha, ha, ha!!!

Mike: Are you all just going to stand there or are you going to help me drink my bed.

Jason: Maggie don't you dare turn this job down unless you have a real good reason.

Maggie: It is a great job.

Jason: um-huh.

Jason: Trust me the kids are going to be just fine once they get use to the idea of moving.

Maggie: Come in.

Ben: Umm... guys I just wanted to say goodnight.Oh, um, by the way you guys can go on ahead to Washington but I'm not going.

Maggie: Ben!Ben, sweetheart can we talk about this?

Ben: Why bother?I mean you won't listen to me, any way

Maggie: Benjamin Huppert Horatio Humphrey Seaver, that's not fair!

Ben: If life were fair my middle name would be Bill.Mom I hate this I mean Mike and Carol get to decide what they want.

You guys treat me like I'm a little baby.

Maggie: We do not.

Ben: You do too, do too, do too.

Maggie: Now here let me do this, you are going to hurt yourself.

Ben: Could you cut it in four little solders for me?

Maggie: Come on Ben, I know your upset but could we please look at this rationally?

Ben: Ok, I will be rational.

You have hired a private detective to follow me around school and now he has told you that I have finally shed my last vestiges of geek-ocity,

and now you have decided to smash my life into little pieces with the help of a woman senator who looks like Joe Peschie.

Maggie: Come on honey, don't get carried away.

Ben: Me!I never get carried away.

Ben: What your point?

Mike: I think that if he was married before, that probably means he had another wife.

Ben: Oh no!

Mike: And I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they are living somewhere on long island.

Ben: Yeah, dad wouldn't want to move far away from his kids.

Carol: What kids?

Ben: The ones he goes and visits when he say's he is going to get a haircut.

Carol: Ben!

Ben: I got it, dad's other wife cuts his hair while he plays with his other kids.So they couldn't be far away, I bet right on this street.

Maybe they come over here while we are at school.Wear our clothes and play with our stuff.That's why my room gets so messed up.

Ben: All right, all right I almost never get carried away.Look mom, cant you wait to find a great job tell after I'm out of high school?

Maggie: Oh sweetheart, I wish I could but this is a once in a lifetime chance.

Now I know how you feel; this is going to be a big change for all of us.I'm worried too.

Ben: Not half as much as I am.

Maggie: You have always been there for me.

Maggie: Ben I know this has been a big change for all of us.And I worry about not being here for you because, well, you're the youngest.

And I worry about not being here for Carol because she is a girl and she her mother.

And I worry about not being here for Mike to keep him from accidentally bl*wing something up.

And believe me; I worry about leaving your father here all alone to cope with all you monsters.

Ben: You shouldn't worry so much mom, you will make yourself crazy.

Maggie: I love you little pumpkin-head.

Maggie: Ah, pumpkin-head.

Mike: Hey Ben, can I borrow ten bucks?

Ben: Help yourself, top drawer rolled up inside my Wayne's World underwear.

Mike: Hello, earth to Ben.How many times have I told you, you never lend money to family.Boy, moms' right you are depressed.

Ben: Not anymore, I am just going to ask Stinky's parents if I can stay with them tell after high school.

Mike: Uh, Ben I don't think you want to stay with the people who made Stinky.

Ben: Fine then I will sleep in the school library.I'm sure they still have your cot set up.

Mike: Benny, come on, do I look upset at the prospect of being tosses out of my cushy little bachelor pad?

No, and do you know why?Not going to happen.

Ben: What?

Mike: Ben, come on, mom is just going through some kind of post-nasal mid-life crisis.I mean, she just wants to think about change.

Ben: Mike grow a beard.Mom wouldn't pull our chains for nothing.

Mike: Ok, well let's just say in a million-to-one sh*t, she actually goes through with this whole job change and you move to Washington.

Now I know you think Washington is probably filled with sleazy crooks and con-artists.But relax; there is room for one more.

Ben: Mike leave my room.

Mike: Benny, look, we would be talking about a whole new school, who knows absolutely nothing about the sure f*re Seaver scams.

Ben: Yeah, I don't know.

Mike: Look Benny, I mean if they were really going to drag you all the way to Washington they would have already tried to bribe you with a car of something.

Ben: A car, what would I do with a car?

Mike: Now remember, when I say now you pop the clutch.

Ben: Like I said before I got it.

Mike: That was then this is now.

Ben: AHHH!!!

Mike: The brake, Benny the break!

Mike's friend: He doesn't hear either one of us now.

Ben: Oh, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive!Hey, this is fun.

Ben: And I am not going to be eighteen for another three years.

Mike: Yeah, but in six months you will be sixteen and that's the legal driving age in DC.

Jason: Well I have rounded up all the kids Miss Capital Hill.You could say the house is assembled and they're awaiting your state of the union address.

Maggie: Jason these Washington puns are starting to get on my nerves, will you please stop?

Jason: Whatever you say dear.Hail to the chief.I know it's a little bit dorky but, hey, I'm excited about you taking this job.

Maggie: Oh honey, I have thought a lot about this and Ben is never going to warm up to this move.I just don't think I can go through with it.

Jason: Honey, this is a chance of a lifetime, this thing means a lot to you.

Jason: Well, that position just may be filled by then Maggie, or maybe Chrissy won't want you to move to Washington.

By the time you finally decide to follow your dream Maggie it's going to be time to retire.

Maggie: Honey, you told me I shouldn't pass up on this opportunity unless I had a heck of a reason.

Well I just think that hurting one of my kids is reason enough.

Jason: All right, if that's your decision, I support it.

Ben: Mom, um, I've got to talk to you.Before you make your decision I think you should hear how I really feel.

Mike: Carol, what are you doing?

Carol: Seeing if this will fit in my dorm room.I'm sure mom will give it to me if I make her feel guilty enough.

Mike: Carol, mom is not going anywhere.

Carol: Mike there is no way she could pass up a job like this.

Mike: Carol, I'm telling you, not going to happen.

Maggie: Ok, everyone, I have made my decision.I am taking the job in Washington!

Jason: You are?!

Maggie: Yeah!

Ben: And I'm getting a car!

Jason: You are?
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x23 - The Last Picture Show: Part 1"}