Air Date: 19 Nov 2010

THEN

Lisa: But I didn't expect Sam to come back. But the minute he walked through that door, I knew. It was over.

Sam: There's something wrong with me. I need help.

Castiel: It's his soul. It's gone.

Dean: So where is it?

Castiel: It's still in the cage with Michael and Lucifer.

Dean: Well, then just get it back.

Castiel: It's not possible.

Dean: You've got no instinct. I mean, you are seriously messed up. I don't know what you are, but you're not Sam.

Sam: Dean, come on.

Dean: Stop pretending.

Sam: You're right.

Dean: About?

Sam: I'm not your brother. Like, I don't even really care about you. Maybe I should feel guilty. But I don't.

NOW

Elwood, Indiana

(Night time. A truck is parked in a cornfield. Two people are smooching on a blanket in front of the truck. A shadow passes over them.)

PATRICK

Did you see that?

KIM

See what?

PATRICK

Something out there.

KIM

Patrick!

PATRICK

Something out in the corn.

KIM

(gasps) Patrick, you're freaking me out!

PATRICK

Just having a quick look.

KIM

Patrick. Patrick. Patrick? Patrick! PATRICK! PATRICK!

(Patrick disappears in a blaze of light)

( Pan back to crop circle)

(Roll X-Files type credits)

ACT ONE

(Daytime)

WAYNE WHITAKER (Man ON THE STREET)

I'm here because I believe that Elwood Indiana has become a center of extraterrestrial activity.

KIM FROM CORNFIELD

There was this light. And then Patrick just vanished.

SPARROW Jennings

It's all happening, you know? I mean, these entities have come to help push humanity to the next stage.

WAYNE WHITAKER

My name is Wayne Whitaker, Jr., and I have personally recorded dozens of eyewitness accounts, strange lights in the sky, mysterious presences attempting contact.

Sheriff: Since this whole damned circus has blown into town, no one seems to realize we got four missing persons cases wide open. My friends lost loved ones.

KIM

What happened to him? Something took him! I know it!

WAYNE

We are right in the middle of what we in the field like to call a "UFO flap," and I am as happy as a pig in shoes.

Sheriff: I can guarantee you that this has nothing to do with UFO's, little green men. Nothing extraterrestrial whatsoever.

MARION

Of course it's not UFO's. It's fairies.

Dean: Fairies. Okay. Well, thank you for your input.

Sam: What? Flying saucers not insane enough for you?

MARION

What newspaper did you say you worked for?

Sam: Okay, if you want to add glitter to that glue you're sniffing, that's fine, but don't dump your whackadoo all over us. We'd rather not step in it.

Dean: Okay, we're, we're done.

Sam: The only thing you're missing is a couple dozen cats, sister.

Dean: It's a blood sugar thing. My apologies.

Sam: What?

Dean: What? You gotta ask? Right, yes, you do have to ask.

Sam: Look, I'm sorry, but this is all a big joke, right, and we're not actually taking this UFO crap seriously?

Dean: No, man. ET is made of rubber. Everybody knows that. But there are four legitimate vanishings in this town. Something's going on. And Sam? By the way, it's not the lady's fault that she took the brown acid.

Sam: Yeah! So?

Dean: Empathy, man. Empathy. I mean, the old Sam would have given her some, some wussified, dew-eyed crap.

Sam: Old Sam had a soul—was a soul. Whatever.

Dean.

Right! Yes, and, and, but you don't—aren't. Whatever.

Sam: Right

Dean: Right. You don't care.

Sam: Well—

Dean: You have to care!

Sam: About what, exactly?

Dean: About everything, man! About being human at least.

Sam: Look, Dean. You obviously care. A lot. And that's great. But I can't care about what—I can't care about it, you know? What do you want me to do, fake it?

Dean: Yes. Absolutely. Fake it. Fake it till you make it.

Sam: What happened to you wanting me to be all honest?

Dean: Hey, you wanna be a real boy, Pinnochio, you gotta act the part.

Sam: I was faking it Dean! Ever since we got back on the road together, I was picking every freaking word. It's exhausting.

Dean: Okay. All Right. But until we get you back on the soul train, I'll be your conscience, okay?

Sam: So you're saying you'll be my… Jiminy Cricket.

Dean: Shut up. But yeah, you freaking puppet. That's exactly what I'm saying.

(Brennan's Watchworks)

Dean: Mr. Brennan?

Mr. BRENNAN

Mmm?

Sam: We're with The Mirror. We would like to ask you--

Mr. BRENNAN

What? Is this about Patrick? Patrick's gone.

Dean: Missing. Right. Yes, that's what we want to talk to you about.

Sam: Now, your son was the first to disappear.

Mr. BRENNAN

First to be taken.

Sam: Taken.

Mr. BRENNAN

Get out! Out!

Dean: Mr. Brennan, who do you believe took your son?

Mr. BRENNAN

You people can't help me. My boy is never coming back.

Sam: You sound awfully sure.

Mr. BRENNAN

Excuse me?

Sam: Like you know something you're not talking about.

Dean: Okay. All right.

Mr. BRENNAN

You know what they say. 72 hours. After that, the odds of finding a missing person drop to nothing, right?

Dean: Well, every case is different.

Mr. BRENNAN

It's been weeks.

Dean: All right. Listen. Call us if anything comes to mind.

(Sam and Dean leave)

Mr. BRENNAN

Is that all right?

(Outside)

Sam: What do you think?

Dean: I think he's hiding something. Why don't you stay and watch Watchmaker and see what happens when the sun goes down, and I'll go check out the crop circles.

Sam: Okey dokey.

Dean: But do NOT engage with, maim or in any way k*ll Brennan. In fact, I don't want you making any judgment calls whatsoever. Anything happens, call me.

Sam: You know, Jiminy, I was on my own for a whole year. I did fine without you.

Dean: Yeah. I don't want to know your definition of fine.

(Night time. In the cornfield. Dean is looking around. Phone rings.)

Dean: Sam: The only thing this guy is up to is alcoholism.

Dean: Good.

Sam: You know, maybe I should go talk to him again. I mean, you're the one who said he's hiding something.

Dean: Shh! Shh!

Sam: What? You see something? Dean, what's up?

Dean: Hang on a second. Holy… UFO! UFO!

Sam: Whoa! Dude, stop yelling. You're breaking up. I didn't catch that last part.

Dean: Close encounter! Close encounter!

Sam: Close encounter! What kind? First? Second?

Dean: They're after me!

Sam: Third kind already? You better run, man. I think the fourth kind is a butt thing.

Dean: Empathy, Sam! Empathy!

Sam: They still after you?

Dean: Come on!

Sam: Dean? Are you there? What happened? Dean?

ACT 2

(Nighttime. Sam is in the cornfield and finds Dean's ringing phone. Turns it off.)

(Nighttime. RV camp of UFO enthusiasts.)

Sam: So, they're real. UFO's.

WAYNE

Like I said before, son, the truth is out there.

Sam: Okay, you're the expert. How do I get them?

WAYNE

Come again?

Sam: You hunt ET's, right? I need to know how to get them.

WAYNE

You and me both.

Sam: This is it?

WAYNE

Well, I'd say that 30 years of eyewitness accounts speak for themselves as incontrovertible proof—

Sam: Yeah, right. My brother was abducted so I'm pretty good on the whole proof part.

(Pretty girl walks up and joins the conversation.)

SPARROW

Your brother was abducted?

Sam: Yeah.

SPARROW

Oh my God.

Sam: It's fine. I mean, I've had time to adjust.

SPARROW

Did it happen when you were kids?

Sam: No, like, half an hour ago. So, you've been hunting UFO's for over three decades and you basically have no concrete data and zero workable leads.

WAYNE

Well, I—

Sam: Have you considered the possibility that you suck at hunting UFO's?

SPARROW

I'd like to help. If I can.

Sam: (Nighttime in the cornfield. Dean is back, yelling and sh**ting his g*n wildly in the air.)

(Dean opens door to motel room and finds Sam in bed with Sparrow.)

Sam: Dean!

Dean: What the hell?

SPARROW

Oh that's Dean! Sam, they brought your brother back.

SPARROW

Okay. It's all right, Sam. I so totally understand that you need time as a family. But it's just—what were they like?

Dean: They were grabby, incandescent douche bags. Good night.

SPARROW

Too soon… ? Okay.

(Sparrow leaves.)

Sam: You're upset.

Dean: I was abducted. And you were banging Patchouli.

Sam: I didn't think she smelled that bad.

Dean: I was abducted by aliens!

Sam: I was looking into it.

Dean: Looking into it! I was gone for, like, an hour.

Sam: An hour—

Dean: And most of that was walking back to town!

Sam: Dean, I think your watch is off. You've been gone all night.

Dean: What are you talking about? No I haven't. Four a.m.?

Sam: Yeah! UFO time slip. That actually falls in line with a lot of abduction stories.

Dean: Falls in line…

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: Nothing's falling in line.

Sam: Here. Drink. Good.

Dean: Thank you.

Sam: Yeah. Now. Come on. Talk to me. What happened?

Dean: Well, uh, there was this… God help me, Sam, there was this bright white light!

Sam: It's okay.

(Sam pats Dean's leg. Dean looks at him incredulously.)

Safe room.

Dean: And then suddenly, I was, uh, I was in a different place. And there were these beings, and they were too bright to look at, but I could feel them pulling me towards this sort of table—

Sam: Probing table!

Dean: God! Don't say that out loud!

Sam: Right. So what did you do?

Dean: I went crazy. I started hacking and slashing and f*ring. They actually seemed surprised. I don't think anybody's ever done that before. Yeah. I had a close encounter, Sam, and I won.

Sam: You should take a shower.

Dean: I should take a shower. I'm gonna, I'm gonna take a shower now.

(Daytime. In a diner)

Dean: So, on top of all the demons and the angels and the ghosts and the skinwalkers, it turns out that there's—so if aliens are actually real, what's next? Hobbits? Seriously.

(Sam gives a passing girl the silent how ya doin')

Dean: You just gave her the silent how ya doin'.

Sam: What?

Dean: Our reality's collapsing around us, and you're trying to pick up our waitress?

Sam: Yeah. Okay. Look. Brings up a question. So, say you got a soul and you're on a case, and your brother gets abducted by aliens—

Dean: Yeah, then you do everything you can to get him back.

Sam: Right! You do, but, what about when there are no more leads for the night? Are you supposed to just sit there in the dark and suffer, even when there's nothing that can be done at that moment?

Dean: YES!

Sam: What?

Dean: Yes, you sit in the dark and feel the loss.

Sam: Absolutely! But couldn't I just do all that and have sex with the hippie chick?

Dean: No!

Sam: It'd be in the dark.

Dean: No you couldn't because you would be suffering, and you can't just turn that off for the night.

Waitress: Thanks, guys.

Dean: Thank y—

Sam: Why not?

Dean: Because if you had a soul, your soul wouldn't let you.

Sam: So you're saying having a soul equals suffering.

Dean: Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

Sam: Like, the million times you almost called Lisa. So you're saying suffering is a good thing.

Dean: I'm saying it's the only game in town.

Sam: Okay! So how do we deal with the little green men?

Dean: Research. We've got about a century of UFO lore to catch up on, and there's no time for—What's up with that guy?

(A guy is standing outside the diner, glaring at Dean. He's wearing a red cap.)

Sam: Who?

Dean: The guy by the window giving me the stink eye.

Sam: You mean the cop?

Dean: No, not the cop! The guy! He's right—oh now he's gone!

Sam: Who's gone?

Dean: Can we please just get out of here before I h*t you?

Sam: Okay! Geez.

(Dean is in motel room, on telephone with Sam)

Sam: Library's closing up soon. I'm almost done.

Dean: You find anything?

Sam: Yeah. Way too much. Everyone on the planet believes in UFO's, and they will not stop writing books about it.

Dean: Yeah, well at least books have punctuation. All right, keep digging and we'll see what you got when you get back.

(David Bowie's Major Thom is playing on the radio in the motel room. The lights start to flicker.)

Dean: Oh no. Not again.

(Door slams open. Bright ball of light comes flying into the room.)

Dean: Nipples?

(Bright light punches Dean in the face.)

Dean: BITCH!

(Dean traps light in the microwave. Splat!)

Dean: Ha ha. HA-HAA!

ACT 3

(Sam and Dean are peering into the microwave.)

Sam: See what?

Dean: See what? See the blood. See all the blechh.

Sam: Sorry, man. I'm not seeing it.

Dean: You don't see the ick? It's right there.

Sam: Okay, let's go with you see it and I don't. What the hell was it?

Dean

It was a, a little…naked lady, okay?

Sam: It was a what?

Dean

It was a-- it was a little, glowing, hot naked lady. With nipples. And she h*t me.

Sam: I'm not supposed to laugh, right? Right. Okay. Sure. Um. So, sh*t in the dark here, but did this little lady have wings?

Dean: What the hell made you say that?

Sam: She did, didn't she?

Dean: Yeah, but how did, how'd y—

Sam: One of the fringier theories I came across. It's actually what crazy crystal lady was yammering about. What if these abductions have nothing to do with UFO's?

Dean: What?

Sam: Okay, say these encounters have been going on for centuries, not with extraterrestrials but with ultra-terrestrials. People nowadays say "space aliens "or whatever, but they used to call them—

(Sam spins laptop around)

Dean: Smurfs.

Sam: Fairies.

Dean: Fairies? Come on!

Sam: Dean, there's a straight line between ET's and fairies. Glowing lights, abductions. It's all the Same UFO stuff, just under a different skin.

Dean: You seriously think that the secret with UFO's is—

Sam: Hey, you're the one who pizza-rolled Tinkerbell. I'm just doing the math. But this is good. This is a lead.

Dean: A lead where?

(Marion's trailer. Tea is served. In itty bitty cups.)

MARION

Fairies. Sprites and spriggens. Bogarts and brownies. The little people have many names.

Dean: (points at figurine)

Well, that's, uh, that's her. That's the little—

MARION

Ooh.

Dean: Anyway, I, uh, I get that tinkerbells are fairies, but what about the tiny Santa Claus and the troll and the—

MARION

That's a garden gnome, and that's a large goblin, and—

Dean: But they're all fairies?

MARION

Yes. Faery comes in many shapes and sizes. Magical, mischievous beings from the realm next door.

Dean: The fairy realm.

MARION

Mm-hmmm.

Sam: So it's like another dimension?

MARION

Another reality! Yes. Only people who have been there and returned to our world can see the Faery here.

Dean: Right. Umm, why are the fairies abducting people?

MARION

Mmm. There is much theory and little fact. We know they only take firstborn sons, just like Rumplestiltskin did. Personally, I think they're taken to Avalon to service Oberon, the King of the Faery.

Sam: Dean? Did you service Oberon, King of the Fairies?

Dean: Marion. Um. Let's say fairies are real, okay? What can we do about them?

MARION

Sorry?

Dean: How can we…..

MARION

Interact with them.

Dean: Yes, yes. Forcefully interact.

MARION

Well, if you want to win a faery's favor, leave a bowl of fresh cream. They love cream.

Dean: Okay! And, and, more forcefully?

MARION

Ohhh. All Faery hate iron, and the dark Faery burn when touched with silver. What else. Oh! You can spill sugar or salt in front of them. No matter how powerful, the Faery must stoop to count each grain.

Dean: Well, allrighty. That's—Wow! A lot to absorb. Thank you.

MARION

Oh, oh, stay! Finish your tea.

Dean: I gotta say I, I love the feel—it's uhh, it's…

Sam: It's like Sedona, Arizona, crapped in here.

Dean: Cute-a-riffic! Is what it is.

MARION

Dean: Cute-a-riffic.

Sam: You have bigger cups?

(Sam and Dean are walking outside.)

Dean: God, is it on me? I feel like I've got the crazy on me.

Sam: No. You did sit in some glitter, though.

Dean: Makes me want to believe in UFO's again.

Sam: Doesn't really give us the next move, I grant you that. We can always put the call out to Bobby.

(Sam and Dean see Mr. Brennan buying a flat of cream.)

Dean: Hey. I'll be damned. Isn't that the watch guy?

Sam: Huh. They love cream.

(At Brennan's Watchworks, and Sam and Dean are watching him carry cream into the store.)

Dean: All right you stick with half and half, and I'm going to check out his store. And no hippie chicks!

(Dean breaks into back door of Brennan's Watchworks.)

(Dean sneaks inside and sees brownies making watches.)

(Dean sneaks out again.)

(Sam is at bar watching Mr. Brennan. Phone rings.)

Sam: Yeah?

Dean: Freaking full of Keeblers over here, man. Just full of ‘em.

Sam: What?

Dean: It's like the story with the shoe guy and all the elves. Hey, you think Brennan made a deal with a bunch of fairies?

Sam: Lemme get back to you.

(They hang up, and Sam approaches Mr. Brennan at the bar.)

Sam: So, Mr. Brennan. Hello again.

Mr. BRENNAN

Leave me alone.

Sam: Did I ever mention how beautiful your work is?

Mr. BRENNAN

What?

Sam: The watches. Just stunning. What I can't figure out is how one man can put out that much product. I mean, hell! If I didn't know better, I'd say you have a bunch of elves working for you. Except I do know better, and you have a bunch of elves working for you.

Mr. BRENNAN

You're insane.

Sam: So, tell me. How does a father decide to trade his son for a bunch of watches? I mean, I assume you have a soul so what's your excuse?

Mr. BRENNAN

You don't understand. It wasn't like that.

Sam: Then how was it?

(Dean walks along the sidewalk, sees the Redcap from the diner standing across the street, staring at him again. Dean sneaks away.)

(Back at the bar with Sam and Mr. Brennan.)

Mr. BRENNAN

I supported my family for 30 years making those watches. It's the only thing I know how to do. Parkinson's. Was losing my hands. I was losing everything. My grandmother, she always used to say that they were real. She told me all of these stories when I was a kid about how to summon them, how to get favors from them.

Sam: So you learned how to work a spell.

Mr. BRENNAN

I mean, honestly, I doubted it would even work. I was just desperate. But she left me this book, so I did the ceremony in my back office two months ago, and this man appeared and said he was a leprechaun.

Sam: A leprechaun.

Mr. BRENNAN

I asked him just to cure my hands, but he said he would do even better. He would make me more successful than I had ever been. He told me he'd bring a crew of workers, that I could save my business, save my name.

Sam: In exchange for?

Mr. BRENNAN

He just wanted a place for them to rest, to take of the fruit and fat of the land. I said yes. I wasn't thinking.

Sam: And the fruit and the fat was?

Mr. BRENNAN

My firstborn. Not just mine. There's been others. They're not stopping. They're not going to stop.

Sam: There's gotta be a way to reverse the spell.

Mr. BRENNAN

There is. But the book is in a safe in my shop. They won't let me near it. It's been a nightmare.

Sam: You can see the fairies?

Mr. BRENNAN

Yes.

(Dean is walking down the sidewalk, trying to avoid the Redcap. He ducks into an alley and the Redcap follows. Dean turns a corner and flattens himself against a wall then launches out and tackles a little person.)

Little PERSON

Wha---? Help! Help!

Dean: Little fairy! What do you want, you fairy? Huh? Huh? Fairy!

Little Girl: Dean: Oh God no. Haha! I'm just kidding!

(Sam and Mr. Brennan turn a corner and are walking down the Same street Dean is on. Sam is trying to call Dean on his phone.)

Sam: Don't worry, Brennan. We can do this. My brother and I are gonna cover you while you reverse the ritual.

(Sam sees Dean being cuffed and arrested. There's a small crowd of onlookers.)

Sam: Dean! Hey dude! What happened?

Dean: Sam…. Hey!

(Dean is thrown into back seat of police car)

Sam: What am I supposed to do?

Dean: Fight the fairies. You fight those fairies. FIGHT THE FAIRIES!

ACT FOUR

(Dean is in jail.)

Sheriff: I'm just trying to understand exactly what kind of hate crime this even was.

Dean: It wasn't a hate crime.

Sheriff: I mean, if this gentleman were a full-sized h*m*, would that be okay with you?

Dean: I don't hate any size person, or any size… gay… guy.

Sheriff: He's not gay as it happens. But! He is the district attorney for Tipton County. Runs a tight ship, tell you what.

Dean: I'd say he's done so well for himself, considering his…considering these tough economic times.

Sheriff: Son, you are all kinds of messed up.

(The Sheriff leaves Dean in jail to pace for hours.)

(Brennan Watchmakers. Sam and Mr. Brennan sneak into the back door.)

Sam: Are they here?

Mr. BRENNAN

Yeah, but it's all right. Greenhats like tequila.

(Mr. Brennan sneaks over to his safe and gets the spell book.)

Mr. BRENNAN

(phonetic) lich sha-hayt. Uh keeya shun, augus small un sorashun, augus phooetek en shia, en rache connecsha….

(Redcap leprechaun s*ab Mr. Brennan in the back.)

Sam: You! You're the leprechaun?

WAYNE WHITAKER /LEPRECHAUN

Indeed I am. Sorry about the mess, but your friend here went back on his deal.

Sam: Well, you weren't very clear with him on the terms.

WAYNE /LEPRECHAUN

I told him there was a price. Once we come, we come to stay.

Sam: So you take firstborns and then what? You just sit back and watch while they cover the abductions for you with all that crazy UFO crap? Which you help encourage, naturally. Nice con. But, your cover's blown now, *Wayne.*

WAYNE /LEPRECHAUN

Blown? To whom? Brennan's d*ad. Your brother? Heh. He's marked. Been to the ranch. He's ours now.

Sam: Yeah. Well. Then there's me.

WAYNE /LEPRECHAUN

You? But you can only see me if I let you.

(The leprechaun disappears.)

Sam: True, but you'll have to get near me eventually, and I have very good reflexes.

(The leprechaun reappears.)

WAYNE /LEPRECHAUN

You're not like the rest of them, are you?

Sam: Nope.

WAYNE /LEPRECHAUN

I could see that right off. You're missing a certain piece, right in the center, ain't you?

Sam: Says who?

WAYNE /LEPRECHAUN

We fairy folk? We're all about energy. And the human soul gives off a certain perfume. Your soul is far away. But not completely out of reach.

Sam: Is that so?

WAYNE/ LEPRECHAUN

Sam, I can get it back for you. For a price.

Sam: That's adorable. It's locked in a box with the devil.

WAYNE/LEPRECHAUN

Your devil. Not mine.

Sam: There's no freaking way a leprechaun can do what angels cannot.

WAYNE/LEPRECHAUN

Angels. *laughs* Please. I'm talking about real magic, sonny. From my side of the fence. Got a way of getting in back doors.

Sam: So you're my blue fairy? You can make me a real boy again?

WAYNE /LEPRECHAUN

When you wish upon a star.

Sam: Yeah. I got a wish.

(Sam sh**t the leprechaun.)

WAYNE /LEPRECHAUN

Iron! Painful, but not a deal breaker.

(Sam sh**t the leprechaun again.)

(Dean, dejected, is in jail sitting on the cot. The redcap appears next to him. The Redcap laughs, pats Dean on the back and proceeds to b*at him up.)

(Back in the watchmaker's shop, Sam and the leprechaun are at fisticuffs. The magic demon-k*lling Kn*fe does not work on the leprechaun. Meanwhile, back at the jail, the assbeating continues.)

WAYNE/LEPRECHAUN

Come on, lad. You've already taken your best sh*t.

Sam: You're right. I'm done sh**t'. So do me a favor. And count this.

(Sam empties a vial of salt onto the floor.)

WAYNE/LEPRECHAUN

Oh no.

Sam: Why didn't I do that earlier?

(The leprechaun starts counting while Sam finishes the spell.)

Sam: (phonetic) Kum savaltcha…

LEPRECHAUN

One… three… ass.

Sam: (phonetic) Ar noyang, kun enna, ret augus…

LEPRECHAUN

Dammit.

Sam: Kkuum doinsha and getta wabasach shul!

(The fairies disappear from the watchmaker's shop and from the jail.)

END TAG

(Sam and Dean are by the car. Dean offers Sam a beer, and he refuses. Dean has a beer.)

Dean: So. Here's to the tiniest DA. At least they're dropping the charges.

Sam: Little big man.

Dean: I was wondering something.

Sam: Yeah?

Dean: You think Lucky Charms really could have , you know, soul to sender?

Sam: Come on. It's crazy to think. He did talk a good game though.

Dean: You said no. Why?

Sam: It was a deal. When's a deal ever been a good thing?

Dean: I'm just trying to figure out how it works in there.

Sam: Dude, I do still have all my brain cells. If anything, my brain works better now.

Dean: Just making sure that's where your head's at. That you're not having second thoughts about getting your soul back.

Sam: Oh.

Dean: You're not, are you?

Sam: No.
{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "06x09 - Clap Your Hands If You Believe"}