Nurse: Luke Power, the doctor will see you now.

Luke: She looks sick, take her.

Jason: Give us just a second.There is no reason to be scared.

Luke: Oh yeah the last time I saw a doctor you went poking around like a Turkish drug enforcement officer with an attitude.

Jason: Trust me pal, the doctor is your very special friend.

Doctor Slovakian: Let's go champ, don't worry; I haven't lost a patient since lunch.

Jason: He's kidding, he's kidding, the doctor's kidding.There you go, hey, hey.

See, he hasn't seen a doctor for years that's why he is so...like you care.Wow, looks like Nixon's gonna resign.

Luke: Keep your hands to yourself you quack.

Jason: No problem, everything's under control.

Doctor Slovakian: Take it easy Ace.

Jason: Hey what's going on?

Luke: My very special friend just tried to choke me with a Popsicle stick.

Doctor Slovakian: It's a very normal examination, he tried to bite me.You settle down scooter or I'll have to call a Vet.

Jason: Hey, hey Luke, just so you can see an examination doesn't have to hurt, I'm gonna Doctor Slovakian do to me exactly what he would do to you ok...

Doctor Slovakian: Fine, unbutton your shirt sport.Whoops, got your nose, got your nose.

Jason: See Luke, I don't feel a thing, it's a piece of cake, easy as pie, everything's under contr...ouch.That wasn't a hurt ouch,

it was just a tickled, ouch, because it felt so darn good, ouch, like those giants uh, ouch, quit poking me and stop taking off my nose.

Ben: What is a hernia anyway?

Maggie: Ben it's not something you want to talk about at the dinner table.

Mike: Basically dad's guts are popping out.

Luke: It was fine until the doctor started poking at it, coincidence, I think not.

Jason: Awe, Maggie you're serving honey glazed chicken, I can't eat a thing and you're serving honey glazed chicken.

Maggie: Oh, when I started cooking I didn't know you were going to have surgery tomorrow, what do you want me to do, serve them moldy left overs?

Jason: That would be nice.

Chrissy: Thinking of mine Daddy, I want a peanut butter sandwich.

Maggie: Chrissy you had a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast and lunch today.

Chrissy: When you find a winner, stick with it.

Carol: But Mom she's acting like a spoiled kid, you need to take a stand.

Maggie: Ok, make her the sandwich but get out of my house.

Jason: Why me?Why now?

Mike: Dad it's alright, don't worry mom can make this chicken dinner another time.

Jason: Forget the chicken; Sunday is The Annual Psychiatric Association Black Tie Banquet.

Mike: Woo hoo, sure lucky you're missing this one Dad.

Jason: I wouldn't miss it for the world Mike, I'm organizing it.

Maggie: Oh, no you don't, the doctor said you could go to the banquet but you have to get someone else to organize it.

Jason: Uh uh, as event coordinator I get to introduce the guest of honor, who happens to be only one of the most important men in my life.

Mike: Videl Sassoon?

Jason: No, Doctor Alfred Bellows, my psychology professor, he tormented me, he browbeated me, made me feel like dirt, he was like a father to me.

Carol: And you finally get to honor him, that's really beautiful.

Mike: Oh, give me a break Carol; if I got to introduce one of my nut bar professors I certainly wouldn't bust a gut over it.Sorry Dad.

Carol: Common Mike, you're an actor, what if you got the chance to introduce Anthony Hopkins at a dinner?

Mike: Who?

Carol: Ok, Scott Bail.

Mike: Me, introduce Mister Charles in charge himself, wow.

Mike: Hey Dad.

Jason: Hey Mike, I got something I need you to do for me while I'm in the hospital.

Mike: OK, well don't worry about a thing Dad; while you're gone I'll smack Ben around at least once a day.

Jason: No, It's about the banquet on Sunday, you see with me sick, I got a big job for you.

Mike: Oh hey, rest easy; I'll cancel the whole thing.

Jason: Actually I was kinda hoping you'd make sure that everything got set up.

Mike: Ah gee Dad, I don't know, it's mid-terms and I'm gonna be pulling all-niters as it is just to figure out how to get out of them.

Jason: Come on, I got some phone numbers here, the hotel catering manager, the guy who does the decorations,

that agent whose in charge of the string quartet, now can I count on you?

Mike: Dad you know me.

Jason: Yes, can I count on you?

Mike: Well, I guess I could but...

Jason: Thanks; hey that banquet means a lot to me, thanks.

Mike: (whistling sound) Ben, Luke, get down here.

Ben: Hey what's up?

Mike: Well guys, am, with Dad gone to the hospital he's got a big job for me and you guys are gonna do it.

Jason: Stupid bed.I hate these pillows too, they're just stupid, ah, stupid tray.

Maggie: Honey you seem a little anxious.

Luke: You know, there's no reason to be scared, the doctor is your very special friend.

Jason: You know Luke, I really believe you are becoming part of the family, cause you're starting to tick me off.

Mike: Which reminds me, where is Ben?

Maggie: Oh Mike, stop that, your brother is very sensitive; he's probably wandered off so we wouldn't see how upset he is.

Ben: Thank you so much nurse, I think I'll have my sponge bath now.

Carol: I remember the last time I was in a hospital was when I had my tonsils out, when the doctor gave me the ether he said,

"You're the prettiest little girl I've ever seen."

Mike: Carol you were clearly hallucinating.

Doctor Whiteside: Hi I'm Doctor Whiteside, I'll be doing the surgery.

Maggie: Oh hi.

Doctor Whiteside: I want you to know the procedure's fairly routine so I don't expect any complication.

Jason: Excuse me, remember me, hello, the reason we're here.

Doctor Whiteside: Oh excuse me I need to administer this.

Jason: Me, me you can talk to me you know, me, me, me, me, me...

Doctor Whiteside: Hello Doctor Sever, How are we feeling today?

Jason: Oh we are feeling just fine thank you Doctor, except we wasted 45 minutes just filling out a bunch of dumb forms downstairs and then we sat in a little paper napkin with our cheeks to the wind, in a room the temperature of a hockey ring thank you, other than that we are just as happy as a.....

Clam...bear...fish...frog...gribbet.

Maggie: Yes Jason, you're right Jason, I'll make sure the whole hospital staff is fired Jason.

Sweetheart if you let me get off the phone I'll come and get you.Yes, we can't wait to have you home.

Mike: How's Dad?Still cranky?

Maggie: Let me put it this way, this morning the hospital Chaplin att*cked him, by the way he wanted me to ask you how the plans for the banquet are coming.

Mike: Ah, the banquet?

Maggie: Um hmm.

Mike: Well I can honestly say that not one problem has come to my attention.

Maggie: Oh, he'll be glad to hear that.

Mike: Ok see you later.(Whistling sound) Ben, Luke, front centre.What's going on?

Ben: I'm teaching Luke how to shave.

Mike: Ben, come here.

Ben: What?Ouch!

Mike: Luke, don't ever let him come near you with a sharp object again.Alright, now listen, Dad wants to know how things are coming along with the banquet.

Luke: Uh, great, everything's great.

Mike: Ben?

Ben: You heard him, great.Ouch!OK, fine, We haven't done anything.We...we'll going to, but he shaving come up.Ouch!

Mike: Listen, no more excuse, You both get on that phone.

Ben: Ok fine, I'll call about the decorations and the entertainment, you call the catering manager.

Luke: Well what do I say?

Ben: You know...banquet stuff.

Luke: Ok one question, what's a banquet?

Ben: Living t*rture, you wear somebody else's clothes, eat cardboard food and some gas bag stands up and preaches about d*ad people.

Luke: Sounds like Sunday night at the soup kitchen, your dad likes this stuff?

Ben: Nobody does but its tradition.

Luke: Well if nobody likes it why don't we make a new tradition?

Jason: Maggie cut it out please, I'm not an invalid, I can do this myself, oh boy.

Maggie: Jason if you wanna go to this banquet the doctor says no work, no stress, no unnecessary movement and take your pain medication.

Jason: Maggie I'm not gonna dull my senses with pharmaceuticals because I'm just not in any pain, ooooh boy, that was a yawn.Mike.

Mike: Yeah Dad.

Jason: How are the plans for the banquet going?

Maggie: Oh no you don't, Mike get lost.

Mike: Uh, glad we had this time to chat Dad.

Maggie: Jason if you keep this up the only way you are gonna go to this banquet is on a stretcher; now take your pain pill.

Jason: Nope, nope, nope Maggie, I'm, oh boy.

Maggie: What are you doing?

Jason: I'm just trying to get to the phone so I can at least make some business calls.

Maggie: Nope, nope, nope, you just sit there and heal mister.

Jason: Ooooooooooh, oh boy, oh boy, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Carol: I feel so bad Dad's eating alone.

Maggie: Ok, gather your plates, we're eating in the living room.

Jason: Oh boy, oh, oh boy.

Maggie: Sweet heart, we didn't want you to eat all by yourself.

Jason: Oh that's very thoughtful.

Chrissy: Mom can I have a peanut butter sandwich?

Maggie: Carol would you please make her another peanut butter sandwich.

Carol: Mom when I was five years old and only wanted to eat one thing, you put your foot down.

Maggie: They were anchovies and you smelt like a bait stand.

Carol: Mom.

Maggie: Don't worry I'll get a vitamin to mash into the peanut butter.

Chrissy: Chunky style please.

Maggie: Oh it'll be chunky all right.

Jason: Mike so what about the banquet?

Mike: Um, Mom will k*ll me if I discuss that with you Dad.

Jason: I'm gonna be well someday Mike.

Mike: Ah, well about the banquet, it's, ah, it's going a-ok.

Jason: How about the food, are you within budget?

Mike: Well we're, ah, I cut the budget.

Jason: Really?By how much?

Mike: Uh, by one... hundred... smackers.

Luke: Boy you were right you really can't breathe these things.

Mike: Wow, wow, hold a second.Luke, you're supposed to take these things out.

Luke: Oh, what about the little balls of paper in the shoes?

Maggie: Jason, won't you please take a pill.

Jason: Don't need one, Mike I gotta hand it to you, I had some trepidations about this banquet tonight,

you know, maybe that you'd embarrass me in front of my colleagues or Doctor Bellows, but you've really come through.

Mike: Ha, ha, ha.

Jason: Shrinkarama 91?

Mike: That's, ah, really something huh?

Jason: I hate it.

Mike: Something that Ben did.

Jason: Mike I put you in charge of this banquet.

Mike: Well Dad, it, uh, it, uh, I just couldn't leave the little kids outta it.I mean it was our first big event.

Jason: Pardon me, pardon me, hello, I think you fellas, uh; you must be in the wrong ball room.

Musician: Impossible Senor, shrinkarama 91 no?

Jason: Well yes but no, I mean...., Mike, where is the String Quartet?

Mike: Uh, Ben?

Ben: Hey this is better and for half the price.

Jason: Huh, I'm sorry guys but Mariachi music, that's all wrong for this evening.

Musician: No problem Senor, just say adios Dos Hombres... and shalom, Bar Mitzvah cats!Havana giver, Havana giver, Havana ...

Jason: Guys, Cats, listen up, oh boy; can you play something more appropriate for a room full of psychiatrists?

Musicians: Well I think I'm going outta my head; yes I think I'm going outta my head....

Jason: Oh, what's this?We're supposed to be having veal with truffles, Mike?

Mike: Uh, Luke?

Luke: Hey I looked it up, a truffle is a fungus rooted up by a pig, I got us some real food.

Jason: You can't eat ribs and corn on the cob in tuxedoes, Mike?

Mike: Luke!

Luke: Way ahead of you, check this out.I almost got the ones with out the happy hog but they were kinda stuffy.

Jason: Nobody gets these bibs right?Oh boy.

Maggie: Here Jason, take this pill.

Jason: Maggie please, I will not take the pill; do not treat me like a child.

Maggie: If I were treating like a child I'd mash it into your food so you'd never know.

Fatima: Excuse me are you Doctor Sever?

Jason: Yes.

Fatima: I am Fatima!

Jason: Mike!

Mike: It's Luke.

Luke: Ben.

Ben: Don't tell me you guys have a problem with this.

Jason: You three follow me.

Luke: What happens now, do we get spanked?

Ben: Hopefully by Fatima.

Maggie: Just potatoes on this plate please.

Carol: Mom, what are you doing?

Maggie: I am treating your father like a child.

Jason: Could you just leave with out drawing any more attention please.I want you three to tell me there are no more surprises.

Luke: You've seen it all.

Ben: Yeah the rest will be so boring; it'll make your eyes cross.

Jason: Oh, that's all I ask.Oh...Wa....

Luke:I knew you were angrily take your pain pills.Told me the truth, you don't trust doctor any more I do.

Jason: That's the message give you, Luke?All right.Watch this, this is how much I do trust doctors, all right?

Maggie: Oh honey I had them give you extra potatoes cause that's all you can eat.

Jason: Well that is just fine because I am ravenous.

Maggie: Well I know somebody is feeling a lot better.

Jason: Yeah I certainly am.

Maggie: And do you know why?

Jason: Um hmm, I took a pill.

Carol: How did you know?

Jason: I know because I was there when I took it, half an hour ago when I out for the boys.

Maggie: What?

Jason: And I feel great.

Maggie: Oh Jason, I think there's something I've gotta tell you.

Musician: Ladies and gentlemen, I now give you the man behind Shrinkarama 91, Doctor Jason Sever.

Jason: Thank you very much, uh, good friends and colleagues can we have a light on Doctor Bellows' table please, and, uh, we are here tonight to honor a great man, a man who makes us all proud to be psychiatrists, he is a man known the world over as a brilliant therapist and a devout scholar and incase you're wandering no that's not his real hair.

I'm kidding, off course I'm kidding and Doctor Bellows has a great sense of humor, just look at his wife.

Where was I, oh yes, he is a great man and, uh, a man who really, really, really means a lot to me, and uh, so the only way I can uh,

only way I can think of to properly express how I feel about uh, this therapeutic nut bucket.

You are the sunshine in my life, oh yeah, oh yeah, that's why I'll always stay around you, when you, when you, when you, hey, you are the apple of my eye, eye, eye, eye, forever you stay in my heart.I'm just wild about Alfy, Alfy's wild about me, hey.Anybody here from outta state?

Huh?Outta town?Outta money?Ha, ha, ha, I know, hey well listen you can go in to see old Doctor Alfy Bellows, you know that feeling don't you?

So what are you up to now Alfy?At two hundred and fifty an hour?I'm kidding, it's worth it.Oh, a note, "Do you know you're making a jackass of yourself?"

No but I do know Mag the Kn*fe.h*t it boys.Oh the shark, hey, hey, hey, a pearly cheese bay, and it shows them pearly white, come on everybody

Jason: Well at jack night heads all the heave bay and he keeps it way outta site, oh Jenny darling, up, up, New York means a lot.......

Maggie: Jason.

Maggie: Jason, Jason.

Table 16, my good wife Maggie, I love you, my sons Mike and Ben and our darling daughter Carol, our old pal Luke over there and uh, you know I see all these beautiful fresh young faces and I think hey old Alf is gonna be d*ad soon.

And now the end is near, the famous face, the final curtains, your friends we make it clear we'll state our case of which we're certain, wait, wait, wait a second, let's give it up for my posy, my posy right here (speaks Spanish), yeah, my main man, he did it his way, yeah, old Alfy Bellows, thank you, thank you everyone, Alfy has left the building.

Maggie: Oh Jason it's all my fault; I never should have put that pill in your potatoes.

Jason: No I can't believe I pulled that in front of Doctor Bellows.

Maggie: Oh honey, Doctor Bellows is a professional I'm sure he's seen a lot worse.I'm sure he doesn't think any less of you.
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x06 - Jason Sings the Blues"}