Carl: So in front of all my in-laws, my wife spins around; she says to me Carl, prove you're a psychiatrist worth a hundred bucks an hour by healing yourself.

Jason: So what do you feel like saying when she does that to you?

Carl: What do I feel like saying?

Jason: Uh huh.

Carl: I'll tell you

Carl: I feel better.

Jason: Yeah.

Carl: I feel good.

Jason: Uh huh.

Jason: Well, time's up.

Carl: Thank you doctor.

Jason: No, thank you doctor.

Jason: Alright, my turn.

Carl: So let's see last week you said you were feeling depressed.

Jason: Yeah, well now I'm terrific.

Carl: Oh, good.That'll be a hundred bucks, thank you for coming in.

Jason: Carl, I think the reason that you're joking is because you feel uncomfortable dealing with a colleague.

Carl: I always wanted to say that to a Carl.

Carl: So, you uh, you claim you're terrific.

Jason: Claim?Carl, if that's going to be your attitude, I may not even tell you.

Carl: Jason.

Jason: Alright, alright, stop brow-beating me, I'll talk.

Carl: Well try a little vocalization.

Jason: Vocalization, okay Whoa, wow, whippee, whippee, whew, yeah.

Carl: Is that whoa, whoa, whippee, whew?

Jason: No, that was one whoa, and two whippees, and a whew, like that so, get with it Carl.

Jason: I mean, just to think that it was one week ago and I'm, I'm staring right into the...

Carl: Abyss of self doubt.

Jason: Wow, you do pay attention.

Carl: Of course I pay attention.

Jason: To think that I was, I was looking for someone to answer my questions Carl, and what I really needed all the time was for me to help someone else with theirs.It was so simple, so basic.

Carl: You didn't think I was listening to you, did you?

Jason: I have the perfect place to start.Alright, it all began in my office, with a patient.It was last Wednesday.I'm sitting in my office.

Carl: Wait a minute, you have office hours on Wednesday?

Jason: Shut up Carl.

Jason: Alright Rosanne, that's our session for this week.Same time next week?

Jason: Okay, sure.

Rosanne: I can't say it.

Jason: Alright then, we'll talk next week.

Rosanne: No we won't.

Jason: Pardon me?

Rosanne: I'm gonna start seeing another therapist.

Jason: What?

Rosanne: You aren't mad at me, are you?

Jason: No, no, but I think we should discuss

Rosanne: Oh I was so afraid I was gonna tell you, and you were gonna start crying, and rolling around on the floor.

Jason: No, no, I hardly ever do that anymore, Rosanne.

Jason: But I think we should

Rosanne: It is so nice of you to be so nice about this.

Jason: No problem, it's just, why do you want to see another therapist?

Rosanne: Why?

Jason: I think this is important for you and me.

Rosanne: Why?

Jason: Yes why?

Rosanne: Why?

Rosanne: Because you're not helping me at all.

Jason: I see.

Jason: Rosanne, have you been watching Oprah again?

Rosanne: It's a very good show.

Jason: Yes, well, ah ah, you should do whatever you think is best.

Rosanne: Well I just didn't wanna hurt your feelings.Just because you failed.

Rosanne: Thank you.

Jason: Oprah!Mrs.Flagg just confirmed how I'd been feeling lately.

Jason: Ben, dinner's in half an hour!

Ben: I'm looking forward to it.

Jason: Stop, no, no, c'mon, I'm cooking tonight.

Ben: Baked beans?

Jason: Sure, why not?

Ben: Alright!

Maggie: Hi honey!

Jason: Yeah, yeah, yeah,

Jason's voiceover: One of the toughest parts about what we do is that you can't talk to your wife about your work, and sometimes the smartest thing Maggie can do is just stay away from me.

Maggie: once told me the smartest thing I can do is stay away from you.

Jason: If I were you I'd move.

Jason's voiceover: She did.Then my daughter and her friends arrived.

Carol: Hi dad.

Jason: Yeah.

Carol: Dad, we've got a ton of college brochures to go through, so is it okay if Deb and Shel stay for dinner?

Jason: What, they don't have homes of their own?

Carol: Dad!

Jason: I'm sorry, I'm not Bill Cosby.

Deb: It's okay Carol, my father's weird too.

Deb: I'm on that same diet!

Carol: Well why don't we just order out for pizza.

Deb: Great!

Shel: Great!

Carol: Okay!

Cheryl: Debbie, here's a medical school in Haiti, right on the beach!

Deb: Oh wow!

Carol: Don't, don't you want to go to a real medical school?

Deb: Wow, look at these cabanas!

Carol: Dad, tell Debbie where you went to medical school.

Deb: You went to medical school?!?

Carol: Well of course he did.

Deb: Oh wow, I'm sorry, I thought you were just a psychiatrist.

Jason's voiceover: I felt like just a psychiatrist.

Shel: She means you don't, like, look at guts and stuff.

Jason: I deal with mental guts.

Mike: Alright, let the man through, move it or bleed.Hey dad.Alright Bone, just put her down, right there.

Carol: What!Dad!

Mike: Hey Dad, I'm not screwing around here.This is a uh project for art classit's real homework.

Carol: We were here first.

Boner: Mikey, please.

Mike: In a minute, Bone.

Carol: Well go somewhere else, Mike.

Mike: Dad, alright, look, it's up to you, either you say she start letting me do my homework, or uh, you gotta listen to Carol's whining.

Carol: [Cries out in annoyance]

Boner: I'm gonna drop it, I'm gonna drop it.

Jason: Hold on, will you two stop arguing.

Mike: Oh there, are you happy now?

Jason: You better have a real good reason for all this.

Mike: Oh heck yeah dad.We're doing a torso study of Boner for art class.

Boner: Yeah, that's why Mikey said I should carry in everything: uh to pump up my physique.

Mike: Oh uh Dad, this is Jill.She uh, she paid for all this plaster, so if you're gonna kick us out, you're gonna have to answer to her.Jason: Hi, look uh, take this

Jill: So are we kicked out or what?

Jason: The basement's fine.

Boner: So who's gonna get the other three bags of plaster?

Mike: Guess.

Carol: Did you see who that was?

Shel: Could you believe it?

Deb: She's in your home, Carol.

Jason: So what's the matter with uh...

Carol: Jill?

Jason: Yeah.

Mike: Oh nice, nice, very nice ladies.Dad, whatever they said about Jill is a lie.That teacher deserved to be slugged.

Jason: So what's the story with that girl?

Carol: Well, she never talks to anyone except to be nasty, and she's always getting in trouble, Dad.I mean, she spends more time in the principal's office than Mike, and worse she...

Shel: She's not into clothes, or makeup, or anything that's important.

Jason: Never mind.

Carol: Shelly, that doesn't matter.What I was gonna say is that she's practically flunking out.

Deb: So, I'm practically flunking out too.

Jason: Do I know you?

Ben: Die alien maggot!

Ben: Gothar sword.Gothar sword.

Jason: Let's see if there's anyone in here worse off than me.Obituaries.

Jill: So, you're a head-shrinker.

Jason: Uh-huh.Something I can do for you?

Jill: Umm.

Girls: Eww, Boner!

Mike: Boy, I swear, when am I ever gonna learn not to ask Boner to help me, I mean how many times do I have to get b*rned?

Boner: I said I was sorry.

Mike: Don't worry Dad, the kitchen will be as good as new.

Jason: Mike, you guys said you'd work in the basement.

Mike: Hey don't blame me dad, Boner's the one who dropped the whole bag of plaster on the floor.

Boner: Oh yeah, well I wouldn't have dropped it if I hadda had some help.

Jill: You're beyond help.

Mike: Eh, come on Jill.

Jill: Coming...Nice talkin' to you.

Jason: Huh?

Carol: Arg, they won't bother us in here.Hi dad!

Jason: Mm hmm.

Carol: Uh, dad?

Jason: Uh huh?

Carol: Are you planning on staying here?

Jason: Am I in your way?

Carol: Oh no, no, no, I mean but if you're gonna stay here, we'll go somewhere else.

Carol: Thanks dad.

Jason: Geez.

Jill: I didn't know shrinks kicked stuff.

Jason: You startled me.

Jill: Sorry, I just came out for a breath of fresh air.

Jason: Yeah, and a smoke.

Jill: I'll leave.

Jason: No, no, no you stay, stay and smoke your brains out.Go ahead, k*ll yourself if you want to.

Jill: k*ll myself?

Jason: Yeah, I do appreciate you not doing it in the house, at least.

Jill: Oh, but you don't mind if I off myself out here?

Jason: No, of course I do, but I certainly can't get people to act the way I'd like them to.Otherwise today would have been a lot different.

Jill: So, please excuse me while I finish k*lling myself.

Jason: We're not talking about smoking anymore, are we?

Jill: No.

Jason: We're not talking about smoking anymore, are we?

Jill: No.

Jason: Do I understand you, are you considering...

Jill: Forget it.

Jason: Now hold on.

Jill: Why, are you gonna say something that's gonna turn my whole life around?

Jason: Well no, but I'm not gonna let you walk away either.

Jill: Look, I wasn't serious, okay?It was a joke.What's your problem?

Jason: Hey, you're not going anywhere.

Jill: Oh yeah?

Jason: Just a second, wait a minute.Believe me, if you think you can tell me you're thinking of k*lling yourself then just leave here, you're mistaken.

Jason's voiceover: Now both of us were acting tough.I only hoped my act was as good as hers.

Jill: Fine.Waste your time.I'll just stay out here and freeze.

Jason: Well why don't we go in my office.

Jill: No!

Jason: Okay, fine.This is good.

Jill: I got nothin' to talk about.

Jason: Really.

Jill: Yeah.Really.

Jason: Look, I know you came in here tonight for the first time ever.I know you're supposed to be here helping Mike and Boner.I also know you spend most of your time staring at me.I know you know I'm a psychiatrist.So what do you wanna say to me?

Jill: Big deal.I just wanted to talk to you, and I changed my mind.Isn't that allowed?

Jason: No!No..

Jill: Look, it's it's... I don't know what to say.It, it, this is just...

Jason: Alright, alright, alright, just uh, tell me why you picked me to talk to.

Jill: Well it's not like I got a whole lotta people to choose from.

Jason: Well uh, what about your parents?

Jill: Right.

Jason: Why not?Your mom?

Jill: She's she's not around.

Jason: What about your dad?

Jill: Too busy.

Jason: You got friends?

Jill: I only know a couple a people, and they'd probably think k*lling myself was a good idea.

Jason: What about teachers?

Jill: Oh yeah, which one will it be?Mr.Gardner in Health, or Ms.

Jason: Okay, how about

Jill: Look, it's like I said...there's nobody.I wish there was.

Jason: Okay, you said your dad's too busy, uh is he such a bad guy though?Is...

Jill: He couldn't handle it.

Jason: Well are you so sure about that, you know sometimes fathers and mothers, they...

Jill: My mother k*lled herself, okay?It was a week before my twelfth birthday.We were gonna have a party.

Jason: My god.

Jill: I'm fine so I'm not about to tell my dad about this, after what he's been through.

Jason: Well that's a terrible thing for any...

Jill: I used to feel that way.

Jason: Used to?

Jill: Yeah.

Jason: What do you feel now?

Jill: Like I don't exist.Like I'm just walking around in somebody else's dream.Any second that person could just wake up and...

Jason: You'd just disappear, huh?

Jill: Yeah.And they wouldn't even remember they dreamed me.Look, you really shouldn't even bother with me, because I mean it's not like I can afford to pay you or anything, so...

Jason: I don't remime it.I didn't ask you for any money.

Boner: Uh...Help me, help me.

Jill: God.

Jason: Hey don't, just stay there Jill.

Boner: Mikey, why would you put this on me if you didn't know how to get it off?

Mike: Boner, it would have been a lot easier if you'd have just shaved your chest.

Mike: Where is Jill?She's got the saw.

Boner: Saw?

Mike: Dad, have you seen her?

Jason: No.

Boner: Oh, thank you, thank you!

Mike: That's weird, I mean I haven't been able to find her anywhere.She's gotta be out here.

Jason: Well she isn't, Mike.

Mike: But dad, she...

Jason: Mike, Mike, will you, she's not out here, okay.Will you just take Boner inside and, and soak him in hot water.

Mike: Okay, okay

Jason: Jill, Jill?

Jill: I'm here.Thanks for not saying anything.

Jason: Look, there'd be no interruptions in my office.

Jill: No!

Jason: Okay, okay, fine.Fine, we'll stay out here and freeze to death.Let me rephrase that.

Jill: Okay, you wanted to know why I picked you to talk to I'll tell you.It's Mike.I had to meet his dad.You know, every time I get sent to Dewitt, the Principal, Mike's usually there.I mean he's the only kid I know who ever gets into as much trouble as me.But, he never seems to get down about it.Even when Dewitt yells at him, he's got this look on his face, like he's having a good time.

Jason: Yeah.

Jill: Like today, we had to go to this career day garbage, and Mike takes out one of these booths and puts up a sign Sex Therapy: The Doctor is In.

Jason: That's my boy.

Jill: So Dewitt sent him to detention for the whole week, and I went up to him and I said, you know, hey, I'm sorry you got busted and, and you know what he said: If I helped just one poor girl out there, it was worth it.

Jason: But what you have to understand about Mike is that with him, most of the time that's just his act.I hope.

Jill: Yeah, but everybody else at that school is always running around like they can't wait to graduate and begin life, like great exciting things are gonna happen, and the truth is there's really nothing.

Jason: Well that's not true.

Jason: Well it doesn't have to be that way.

Jason: You were gonna say tell my mother that,hmm?

Jill: Yeah!

Jason: Cuz your mom, she knew how hopeless life could be.

Jill: Yes!

Jason: And you think she's right.

Jill: She was!

Jason: Mm hmm but what if she was wrong?What if she was?

Jill: She wasn't!

Jason: What if life isn't as empty and hopeless as...

Jill: Well then my mom was selfish and she didn't love me at all, and I hate her for what she did to me and my dad.

Jason: Pretty angry at your mom, aren't you?

Jill: No.

Jason: Oh yes, yes it's very difficult to be angry at someone close to you, someone you love, it, people sometimes do things to, they do things to hurt themselves just because, oh, it's so tough they just want to avoid admitting that they're angry.

Jill: Oh, you think that I would really rather k*ll myself, then admit that mom that my mom hated me.

Jason: I didn't say your mom hated you.

Jill: Well why else would she k*ll herself?

Jason: Well maybe she thought her mother hated her.Maybe she had mental problems that had absolutely nothing to do with you.Maybe she was just as confused as you are right now.

Jill: That's the biggest crock I've ever heard.

Jason's voiceover: She didn't immediately embrace my theory, but I had her talking, there was a spark and a vitality in her eyes that was new.She was beginning to realize that she was a real person after all and not a character in someone's dream.The dreamer had awakened and she hadn't disappeared.

Carl: Wow.

Jason: Well, time's up.

Carl: Hey, hey, hey, hey, you don't get to say when time is up.I'm the doctor this time, I get to say when time is up.

Jason: It's my office and my buzzer.

Carl: Yeah, I wanna know what's happened since then.

Jason: Well I feel vital.I feel competent.

Carl: Not you, her!

Jason: I know, I know.

Carl: How is she?

Jason: Well, she's um...

Carl: Jason.I envy you.

Jason: Yeah, well we'll deal with that problem next week.Right now, I have a two o'clock, c'mon.

Carl: Okay.

Jason: See you next week, Carl.

Carl: Oh yeah, Only next week you go first, that way if we run out of time we can take it out of my session.

Jason: Oh, you think that's wise?

Carl: [gasps in mock horror]

Jason: Oh, put some clothes on, will you, Boner.

Jason: Hi.

Jill: Hi.Is anybody else around?

Jill: I wanted to tell you that, I did what you said, and I uh talked to my dad.

Jason: And?

Jill: He hugged me.He wants to come to my next session.

Jason: Well that's wonderful.And maybe we can do it in my office next time.Either that, or I'll just pull up another lawn chair here.

Jill: Anyway, um, this week's been a little different.There was this girl at school, and um...

Jason: Can I have a piece of gum?

Jill: She asked to borrow this book and I said okay and we talked a little bit and ended up going over to her house to study...
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "03x13 -  A Reason to Live"}