Scene: The lobby.

Penny: Oh, damn, they cancelled my Visa. Oh, yay, a new MasterCard!

Sheldon: Uh-oh.

Penny: What?

Sheldon: I was going to get my mail.

Penny: Okay. Are, are you hoping to get it telepathically?

Sheldon: I think you mean telekinetically. And no, I just wasn’t sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.

Penny: God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other?

Sheldon: Well, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed is the coitus.

Penny: Okay, here’s the protocol, you and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus.

Sheldon: Good, good. I’m glad we’re still friends.

Penny: Really?

Sheldon: Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I’d hate for that effort to have been in vain.

Penny: Right.

Sheldon: Just to be clear do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?

Penny: Everyone.

Sheldon: Harsh terms. But all right, I’ll just substitute intercourse.

Penny: Great.

Sheldon: Or fornication. Yeah. But that has judgmental overtones, so I’ll hold that in reserve.

Penny: So, how you been?

Sheldon: Well, my existence is a continuum, so I’ve been what I am at each point in the implied time period.

Penny: You’re just coitusing with me, aren’t you?

Sheldon: Bazinga.

Penny: Mmm. How’s Leonard doing?

Sheldon: He seems all right. Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.

Penny: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear it.

Sheldon: I’d rather you pretend I didn’t say it. I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.

Penny: Yep.

Sheldon: That’s the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that’s what the Romans made Jesus eat.

Penny: Interesting. I’ll have to have you over for spaghetti some night.

Sheldon: I’m hungry now.

Penny: Oh. Um, okay. Why don’t you give me an hour and come over?

Sheldon: Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce?

Penny: I don’t have hot dogs.

Sheldon: Oh, it’s all right, I do. Oh! You’re in for what my mother calls a real Eye-talian treat. (Enters apartment).

Leonard: Hey, where you been?

Sheldon: I was talking with Penny.

Howard: What’s wrong with you? You can’t hang out with your roommate’s ex. That’s totally uncool.

Leonard: No, no, it’s fine. I don’t care. I’m over it.

Raj: Yeah, he’s over it, that’s why he’s been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.

Sheldon: Is he making any progress? Because I’d like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.

Howard: So would Ben Affleck. The point is, in a situation like this you got to pick sides. You’re either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.

Sheldon: Which one picks last?

Howard: What?

Sheldon: Well, usually I’m on the team that picks last. Unless there’s a kid in a wheelchair.

Leonard: Sheldon, I got you your tangerine chicken. I hope you’re hungry.

Sheldon: Well, of course I’m hungry. And as I have no plans to eat with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mm, mm, mm!

Leonard: Okay.

Sheldon: Just out of curiosity, do we still have hot dogs?

Leonard: I don’t know. Why?

Sheldon: Just making dinner conversation. Go, Team Leonard!

Credits sequence

Scene: A few moments later.

Howard: Oh, God, this is good.

Raj: Let me ask you a question. Do you believe you’re going to go to hell for eating sweet and sour pork?

Howard: Jews don’t have hell. We have acid reflux.

Leonard: Do you want the last dumpling, Sheldon?

Sheldon: Certainly. It’s not like I have to moderate my food intake because I’m planning on eating again very shortly. Mm, mm, mm!

Leonard: So, you guys want to do something tonight?

Howard: Nah, I can’t. I got to pick up my mom from her water aerobics class. 18 overweight women flapping their arm fat in a swimming pool. Looks like the manatee t*nk at Sea World.

Leonard: What about you, Raj?

Raj: Oh, there it is, now that you don’t have a girlfriend, you want to hang out with me again.

Leonard: I never stopped hanging out with you.

Raj: Oh, please, we all know I’m the friend you call when you have no other options. If we were the Justice League, I’d be Aquaman.

Howard: I wish you were Aquaman. Then I could send you to scoop my mom out of the old lady t*nk.

Sheldon: Excuse me, I’m thirsty, so I’m going to go to the refrigerator and get myself a refreshing beverage.

Leonard: You know what? I’ll just spend the evening alone.

Raj: What, suddenly I’m not good enough for you?

Sheldon: Ah, I do so love beverages. Now I think I’ll take my after-dinner walk.

Leonard: Since when do you take after-dinner walks?

Howard: Yeah, since when do you take walks?

Sheldon: I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there’s one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it’s serotonin. Bye-bye.

Howard: Hold on. I’ll walk down with you.

Sheldon: Oh, that’s not necessary. You can go first.

Howard: Or we could go together.

Sheldon: I can’t think of a reason why not.

Howard: Let’s go.

Sheldon: Hold on. Nope, no reason.

Raj: I’ve missed you.

Scene: The lobby.

Sheldon: All right, say hello to your mother for me.

Howard: Okay.

Sheldon: What?

Howard: You said you were going for a walk.

Sheldon: I didn’t say outside.

Howard: So what, you’re just gonna walk up and down the stairs?

Sheldon: No, of course not. That would be odd and suspicious behavior.

Woman’s voice: Here Bubbles. Here boy.

Howard: Which way are you going?

Sheldon: Which way are you going?

Howard: I parked my scooter down the block.

Sheldon: I’m going the other way. Bye.

Howard: Bye. Actually, I’m this way. Do I smell hot dogs?

Sheldon: No. I mean, I have no idea what you smell.

Howard: I definitely smell raw hot dog.

Sheldon: Perhaps you’re getting a brain tumour.

Howard: All right, have a nice walk.

Sheldon: I shall. Have a nice scoot.

Howard: You might want to stand back. I’m sitting on top of 13 horses here.

Sheldon: Oh. Hello, doggie. Nice doggie. I bet you think you smell hot dogs. Look, a cat!

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny, (knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Long pause, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Penny opens door. A dishevelled Sheldon is holding up one hot dog.) Here. I had to trade the others for my life.

Scene: The apartment.

Raj: Hey, Leonard?

Leonard: Yeah?

Raj: I haven’t had sex in a year.

Leonard: Where you going with this, Raj?

Raj: Don’t flatter yourself, dude. I want to go out and meet a woman.

Leonard: So, go.

Raj: Well, I need a wingman. I don’t want to come off like a lonely loser.

Leonard: And you think my presence will help with that?

Raj: Well, I do. Next to you, I’ll look like a catch.

Leonard: I’m not going out tonight, Raj.

Raj: All right. Would you mind if I went to your room and downloaded some Asian p*rn?

Leonard: Very much.

Raj: Doesn’t have to be Asian.

Leonard: Don’t worry. You’ll meet a girl someday.

Raj: No, I won’t.

Leonard: Yes, you will, and she’ll be beautiful, and kind and sexy and funny and everything you ever wanted in a woman.

Raj: You really think so?

Leonard: I do, and you’ll fall hopelessly in love and give her your heart. And she’ll take it and grind it into pathetic, little pieces.

Raj: But we’ll have sex first, right?

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Sheldon: Mmm, mmm, mmm. That’s Eye-talian.

Penny: So, um, was Leonard okay with you coming over?

Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, he said, I’m fine, I don’t care. And he in no way said it in a manner which would lead one to believe that he was covering up feelings of anguish and betrayal.

Penny: Well, good.

Sheldon: I’m also pleased to report that he’s all cried out over you.

Penny: He’s been crying?

Sheldon: Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn’t supposed to mention.

Penny: Oh, God, I feel terrible.

Sheldon: Do you have a stomach ache, too?

Penny: No. Why, do you?

Sheldon: No.

Penny: Why did you ask if I had one, too?

Sheldon: Just making polite dinner conversation. Your turn.

Penny: All right. So, what’s new in your life?

Sheldon: Well, my new shoes are not made for running.

Penny: Have you been running?

Sheldon: No. It’s just a suspicion I have. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Penny: I’m so glad you like it.

Sheldon: I do. Leonard never cooks for me.

Penny: Well, maybe that’s ’cause Leonard can’t cook.

Sheldon: You can’t cook and you made me this.

Penny: Whatever. Ooh, I’m gonna get the cheesecake out of the fridge.

Sheldon: Oh, Lord, I’m in Jewish hell.

Scene: The apartment.

Raj: Look at this. Do you think she’s really doing that or is it PhotoShop?

Leonard: I’m pretty sure Martha Stewart never got naked with a room full of big, fat Japanese guys.

Raj: You don’t know that. Prison changes people.

Leonard: Hey, where you been?

Sheldon: I told you, walking.

Leonard: For an hour and a half?

Sheldon: I got lost.

Leonard: How could you get lost? Your phone has GPS.

Sheldon: Satellites are down. Solar flares.

Raj: There are no solar flares right now.

Sheldon: Yes, there are.

Raj: Dude, I’m an astrophysicist. If there were solar flares, I’d be all up in it.

Sheldon: I’m sorry. I misspoke. What I meant to say was my battery died.

Leonard: What the hell was that about?

Raj: I don’t know. Do you think this is really Hillary Clinton doing it with Oprah?

Leonard: Oh, we really need to get you a girl.

Scene: Leonard’s bedroom. Leonard is asleep.

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (knock, knock, knock) Leonard.

Leonard: Oh, just come in!

Sheldon: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.

Leonard: What do you want, Sheldon?

Sheldon: Maybe this isn’t a good time.

Leonard: Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will k*ll you.

Sheldon: Do you really think death thr*at are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.

Leonard: What do you want?

Sheldon: You may want to sit down.

Leonard: I’m in bed!

Sheldon: Point taken. You may want to sit up.

Leonard: Sheldon!

Sheldon: I’ve been seeing Penny behind your back.

Leonard: Okay, when you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean?

Sheldon: We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real, big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it?

Leonard: Fine. Why did you have dinner with Penny?

Sheldon: I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.

Leonard: Then why did you have Chinese food with us?

Sheldon: I didn’t want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.

Leonard: Is it possible he said Bros before Hos?

Sheldon: Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hos.

Leonard: Sheldon, I don’t care if you want to be friends with Penny.

Sheldon: Oh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that’s been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified?

Leonard: Yes.

Sheldon: Well then as my meemaw would say, looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon.

Leonard: I guess not.

Sheldon: And now, as promised, the tangent. Sheldon and the Hell Hound, or How I Lost My Hot Dogs.

Scene: The laundry room.

Penny: Oh, um, I, I can come back.

Leonard: D-don’t be silly. We’re neighbours, we’re going to run into each other, may as well get used to it.

Penny: Yeah, I guess you’re right.

Leonard: You used to it yet?

Penny: Nope.

Leonard: Me neither. Oh, Sheldon seemed think that I would be upset about you hanging out with him. But I just want you to know it’s fine.

Penny: Oh, oh, good, because, um, his mother called me.

Leonard: His mother?

Penny: Yeah, she wants me to take him shopping for sheets and towels.

Leonard: I was going to do that.

Penny: Oh, well, then you, you do it.

Leonard: No, I don’t want to do it. You can do it.

Penny: Okay, you can take him for shoes.

Leonard: I just took him for shoes.

Penny: Well, all I know is he says they hurt his feet.

Leonard: Fine. I’ll take him for shoes next Saturday.

Penny: Oh, no, no, no, a bunch of us from work are going to Disneyland next Saturday and Sheldon wants to come.

Leonard: You’re taking him to Disneyland?

Penny: Well, he heard me making plans on the phone. Was I going to say no?

Leonard: All right. But let me know if you’re going to stuff him with junk food. I don’t want to bring home a nice dinner for him and see it go to waste.

Penny: We’re going to Disneyland. He’s going to eat junk food.

Leonard: All I’m saying is give me a heads-up.

Penny: Okay, whatever.

Leonard: And don’t let him go on Space Mountain after he eats. He’ll say he can handle it, but I promise you’ll end up with churro puke on your shoes.

Penny: All right, got it. Is there anything else?

Leonard: Yeah, don’t let Goofy near him. He’ll have nightmares and I’ll have to deal with it.

Penny: What’s the problem with Goofy?

Leonard: Wish I knew. He’s fine with Pluto.

Scene: The apartment. 

Raj: Hey, do you think the elastic woman in The Incredibles needs to use birth control or can she just be a diaphragm?

Howard: Well, that’s it. We’re officially out of things to talk about.

Penny: We’re home.

Leonard: It’s ten o’clock, where have you been?

Sheldon: We stayed for the California Adventure water show. It was pure Disney magic.

Leonard: I was going to see that with him.

Penny: How was I supposed to know that?

Sheldon: It’s all right. I’ll see it again with you.

Leonard: And I have food here. You said you were going to call.

Penny: I know, I know.

Sheldon: I can still eat.

Penny: No, you already threw up once. Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth.

Sheldon: Okay, but just don’t fight

Leonard: We’re not fighting.

Penny: Just go.

Leonard: Aren’t you going to thank Penny for taking you to Disneyland?

Sheldon: Thank you, Penny.

Penny: You’re welcome, sweetie.

Leonard: Want a cup of coffee?

Penny: Oh, um, I should probably get going.

Leonard: Come on. It’s just a cup of coffee.

Penny: Yep, okay.

Howard (to Raj, who has whispered to him): Oh, yeah, the whole thing seems a little twisted to me, too.

Leonard: What am I smelling?

Penny: Sheldon’s churro on my shoes.

Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.

Penny: He’s such an angel when he’s asleep.

Leonard: Yeah. Shame he has to wake up.

Penny: I think we can do it.

Leonard: Smother Sheldon in his sleep? Wouldn’t that be wrong?

Penny: No, be friends. You and me.

Leonard: Oh. Sure. Absolutely.

Penny: Good. I’m glad.

Leonard: Here’s an idea. I’m just throwing it out there, friends who have sex.

Penny: Good night, Leonard.

Leonard: Kidding. Just a couple of friends goofin’ around.

Sheldon (in his sleep): No, Goofy, no.
{"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "03x20 - The Spaghetti Catalyst"}