Otsu: The broadcast law can go to hell

Otsu: There's no turning back now

Otsu: Go to hell!

Otsu: Everyone, thank you dingleberries!

Shin: Dingleberries!

Otsu: Let's keep this show going anurarihyon!

Gin: What's with Otsu-chan lately?

Shin: Nurarihyon!

Gin: Hasn't she lost some steam?

Shin: Not true!

Shin: As always, any CD she releases ranks high on the Edocon charts!

Gin: Sure, but up-and-coming idols are ranking even higher.

Gin: Like EDO and NippleClo Z.

Gin: Nowadays, group units are more popular than solo acts.

Gin: At this rate, Otsu-chan will lose popularity,

Gin: fight with her agency over money,

Gin: and as she fades from memory, re-debut under some label like ****** or ********.

Shin: Don't jinx her!

Shin: The public eye always tends to wander,

Shin: but only the real deal will remain in the end!

Shin: So Terakado Tsu will be the last woman standing after this Warring Idols Era!

Gin: Are you stupid? Idols are all just little brats decked out in dreams and fantasies.

Gin: There are no fakes or real deals among them.

Gin: Sure, Otsu-chan is cute and a good singer.

Gin: But if she stands alone on stage,

Gin: the audience only gets a vague idea of how good she is.

Gin: But if you put her in a group with five or six uggos,

Gin: even an idiot could clearly recognize how cute and how good she is.

Shin: I don't know if you really need the uggos...

Shin: But you're right. That's a group's biggest advantage.

Gin: Basically,

Gin: she needs  uggos.

Shin: What kind of  is that?!

Shin: Are they re-enacting the Chushingura?!

Gin: If that's not possible, she can just go for the -position bingo.

Shin: Why are we back to her making a Muteki debut?!

Shin: Anyway, a solo act may only go so far,

Shin: but with some other members who all make each other look good,

Shin: Otsu-chan might h*t even bigger heights.

Shin: But where will she find idols who can compete with her potential?

Sayo: Otsu-chan really is cute.

Sayo: I wonder how you become an idol.

Sayo: I didn't really get it,

Sayo: but Gin-chan said anyone can get in by selling pillow talk.

Say: Really? They sell pillows?

Kag: Yup. Apparently, for most idols, that's their main job.

Say: They're selling pillows while singing? That must be hard.

P: You're wrong, miss.

P: An idol's real job isn't to sing or sell pillows.

P: It's to sell dreams.

P: If you don't mind, could you join us—no,

P: join Terakado Tsu and sell dreams together?

Gintama,OP Card: Gintama

Slip Arc,OP Card: Slip Arc

Title: Wash Your Hands Before a Handshake

Shin: What?!

Shin: Kagura-chan, an idol?!

Warning,Warning: Watch the Slip Arc in a bright room and at a safe distance from your TV!

Shin: And you want to make her form a unit with Otsu-chan?!

Shin: Why are you resorting to such crazy schemes?!

Shin: And you call yourself the agency that's backed her all this time?!

OMom: It came as a surprise to me, too.

OMom: I couldn't believe the scout brought in

OMom: the girl from Odd Jobs, who'd helped us out in the past.

Otsu: But that's one of our scouts for you. He has a keen eye.

Otsu: I think Kagura-chan has all the makings of a fine idol.

Otsu: She's fair, has that foreign celeb thing going, and you could even call her pretty.

Otsu: And most of all, she looks at home doing anything.

Shin: Are there any idols who look at home picking their noses?

Otsu: Idols pick their noses, too. Even I—

Shin: No, you don't! Boogers don't exist for Otsu-chan!

Shin: Her nostrils are filled with pink, heart-shaped, sticky hopes and dreams!

Otsu: Uh, I'm pretty sure boogers would be better.

OMom: We're in the golden age of idol groups.

OMom: If Otsu doesn't do something now, she'll fall behind the times.

OMom: So we came up with this plan...

Would_you_like_t,Sign: Would you like to sing beside Terakado Tsu?

OMom: A plan to put her in a limited-time unit.

OMom: We call it the "Your Partner Is a ****er" Project.

Would_you_like_Copy: ,Your Partner Is a ****er

OMom: While pairing Otsu with a mysterious no-name to show a new, charming side of her,

OMom: we'll unearth a new diamond in the rough and market her in a package deal with Otsu.

Shin: Unearth? Dig this mine all you want, but all you'll find is boogers.

OMom: They may be boogers now,

OMom: but with polishing, they could become boogers harder than diamond.

Shin: But they'd still be boogers!

OMom: Anyway, Otsu needs an out-of-the-box partner.

OMom: Help us out.

Shin: Please calm down!

Shin: Do you want to waste all the hard work she's put in so far?

Shin: This girl isn't capable of being an idol and selling dreams!

Shin: If anything, she was created to crush the dreams of men!

Shin: A sad excuse for a Jump heroine!

OMom: Wow! What was that?

Kag: I let you talk, but you're just running your mouth now.

Kag: My boogers are already harder than diamonds.

Otsu: She could use that in a hidden talent contest for stars, Mom!

Otsu: Do it one more time!

Gin: Okay, that's enough.

Gin: Let's start talking business now.

Gin: She is our agency's main product.

Otsu: Huh?

Otsu: Agency? Product?

Gin: Yes. She's an idol that we developed.

Gin: For more than a decade since the anime began,

Gin: she has held firm as the center heroine and Gintama's idol.

Gin: If we're talking potential, we believe she far exceeds your Otsu-chan.

G: Okay. One, two, three.

Gin: So, President, we move forward on this as a co-production?

OMom: Yes, that's fine, Producer Sakata.

Shin: Him, a producer? He's just a leech.

OMom: It seems you weren't lying.

OMom: Her rhythm and sharp movements...

OMom: In terms of physical ability, she far exceeds Otsu.

Gin: Yeah.

Gin: No idol in the entire universe is a match for her on that front.

Gin: Right, Trainer Shimura?

Shin: Wait, I'm a trainer?

OMom: Good looks and great performing ability...

OMom: This may be the birth of a super idol.

OMom: Right, Manager Shimura?

Shin: Wait, am I a trainer or a manager? Pick one.

Gin: The real question is how we market them.

OMom: I'll let you handle that as the producer.

OMom: If we're trying to give Otsu a new kind of appeal,

OMom: then we should change how we produce her, too.

OMom: You can handle it, right?

Gin: No need to worry. We have an expert in idol studies on our side.

Gin: Right, Idol Nerd King?

Shin: Sorry. Could you give me a s*ab role already?

OMom: Show me what you've got, Sakata P and Shimura *****.

Shin: In the end, I'm just a perv?!

Shin: Hey, Gin-san!

Shin: Can you really produce idols?

Gin: As long as Otsu-chan is involved,

Gin: this will make shitloads of money, no matter what.

Gin: We should make them feel as indebted as possible and fleece them.

Shin: But Otsu-chan now has that massive booger stuck to her.

G: Okay. One, two, three.

Gin: What'd I tell you? a diamond shines extra bright with boogers all around it.

G: Okay. One, two, three.

G: Okay. One, two, three.

Gin: So, yeah, you'll be working as Booger Diamonds  from today on.

Otsu: Booger? Wait, that's our unit name, Producer?

Otsu: I don't know about having "booger" in the name.

Kag: She's right.

Kag: As the diamond, I don't mind, but put yourself in the booger's shoes.

Shin: Uh, you're the booger here.

Gin: It may sound Japanese, but "booger" means "limitless possibilities" in Spanish.

Shin: That's some impressive BS.

Gin: It also means "children of B'z and WANDS."

Shin: Why are you talking about B'z and WANDS like they're husband and wife?

Sign: A Man's Badge of Honor

Gin: I wanna market you like the kid brother in the Yokohama Ginbae. Like Shima Daisuke.

A Man's Badge of Honor

Shin: That's so old hat.

Gin: Right now, we should use the agency's pull to ride on all the coattails.

Gin: We'll handle the approvals later.

Shin: But this is going too far. They're idols, you know?

Otsu: I see.

Otsu: But we should at least make it a ladies' g*ng, Producer.

Shin: That's not the issue here, Otsu-chan.

Kag: Yeah, Sugimoto Tetta is cooler than Daisuke, Producer!

Shin: What do you think idols are?

Shin: The Daisuke part was all you picked up on!

Gin: How about this, then?

Gin: A long time ago, in a galaxy far away,

Gin: the great artists B'z and WANDS gave birth to  children.

Shin: Talk about grandiose!

Gin: The children scattered across the universe.

Gin: Among them, the twins that were number —the last of the children—

Gin: descended on a planet called Earth...

Shin: Ah, like how Yukorin said she was from Planet Korin?

Gin: ...and made waves across the world.

Shin: Nothing's changed!

Shin: They just became Daisukerin in the end!

Gin: Daisukerin was supposed to make waves worldwide, and Booger Diamonds ...

Bo: ...always supported him.

Shin: Enough about Daisuke!

Sign: A Man's Badge of Honor

Shin: You two are the ones who need support!

Otsu: But suit-wearing idols might be a fresh concept.

Otsu: Wearing pants will limit the fanservice, but if we wear skirts instead

Otsu: and have a chic backing band, it could make for a cool and cute idol aesthetic.

Otsu: Here we go with "A Woman's Badge of Honor"!

Sign: A Woman's Badge of Honor

Shin: Uh, the costumes are nice, but what about the song?

Shin: It's still stuck to the Daisuke thing.

Kag: How about this, then?

Kag: Here we go with "The Mark of a Woman," 'kay?

Sign: The Mark of a Woman

Shin: Uh, that sounds like something else entirely.

Gin: This should do it, then.

Sign: That Day of the Month

Shin: What're you trying to make idols sing?!

Shin: That's what "A Woman's Badge of Honor" was about?

Shin: That's what "The Mark of a Woman" meant?!

Gin: Hey, don't jump to conclusions.

Gin: By "that day of the month," we mean...

That Day of the Month

Gin: ...that day when there's a lot of Daisuke in the backing band.

Shin: What kinda day is that?!

Shin: You again? You came home with your tail between your legs again?!

Shin: What happened to going into politics?!

Gin: Daisukerin made a comeback to showbiz, and Booger Diamonds ...

Bo: ...still supports him!

Shin: Forget about Daisuke already!

Shin: Anyway, why don't we look at the big picture?

Shin: What kind of personalities will they be playing?

Gin: They're B'z and WANDS's children, right?

Gin: They can just end every sentence with "zu."

Tamo: Here are our guests for today.

Bo: Hello. We are Booger Diamondzu zu.

Shin: They sound like hicks. Sounds like they're speaking a dialect.

Crowd: Right.

Gin: Then instead of "zu," let's go with "z."

Zu,Sign: Zu

Tamo: Cut your hair?

Kag: I did, yezzz...

Shin: She fell asleep!

Crowd: Right.

Gin: Forget "z," then. Let's go with "s."

Kag: Lost your hair?

Shin: She just became a sadist!

Crowd: Right.

Gin: Let's do this, then.

Kag: It's time for a short break, I'll never hurt you in all my love and selfishness.

Otsu: Don't change the channel, let's rend this moment with b*ll*ts from a rusty g*n!

Shin: Those verbal tics are too long!

Shin: Why song titles as a verbal tic? That's too much love and selfishness!

Shin: Tamo-san will rust away before they finish talking!

Gin: Quit complaining when you don't have any ideas.

Gin: I can't work with you, let's break up and I'll vanish from before you.

Shin: Why's the producer using Ohguro Maki song titles, too?

Gin: This is a pain.

Gin: Why don't we just have B'z and WANDS be the backing bands?

Shin: That'd just be a B'z and WANDS concert!

Shin: They'd eat us alive!

Tae: Shin-chan's right.

Tae: You're on the right track with B'z and WANDS,

Tae: but you're overlooking something important, Producer Sakata.

Shin: Sis?

Tae: Sorry for barging in.

Tae: I heard Kagura-chan was going to debut, so I wanted to cheer her on.

Tae: Here, I brought refreshments.

Kag: Boss lady!

Tae: I was just going to give you this and leave,

Tae: but I couldn't let it slide.

Otsu: Wow! What is this?

Tae: Producer Sakata.

Tae: You don't understand a thing.

Tae: All you're thinking about is how to market, how to make the audience happy.

Tae: It's all about the audience.

Tae: But the enemy isn't only in front of you.

Tae: The real enemy lurks behind the girls.

Tae: The backing band and backup dancers.

Tae: Don't you know how many idols they've gobbled up?

Shin: What're you talking about?!

Tae: Think back to Asa**** **** and Ham*** ******

Tae: and how backup whatevers are always taking idols from the back.

Shin: Yes, it happens a lot, but so what?!

Tae: They pretend to be on the idols' side,

Tae: but they always target them from the defenseless back,

Tae: sharpening their nails to strike.

Tae: And the moment the idol gives them an opening...

BD: Gotcha!

Shin: That backup dancer is way too scary!

Tae: In showbiz, the talent are products.

Tae: Those in the business should never ignore the fans and defile that product.

Shin: Otsu-chan!

Shin: Uh, an idol is about to die thanks to your refreshments!

Tae: And you men should be aware how idols are expected to stay pure.

Tae: Not putting careful thought into choosing the backing band is simply preposterous.

Tae: You must reconsider at once.

Gin: Like you'd know anything, outsider.

Gin: Who would you place at the back, then?

Kyu: On guitar, Kyubei!

Tsu: On b-bass, Tsukuyo!

Sac: On drums, Sacchan!

Tae: On castanets, Otae!

Tae: Together, the four of us...

All: ...are Diamond Vacuum!

Shin: You totally wanna eat Otsu-chan alive, too!

Shin: Where'd you come from, you brain-d*ad backing band?!

Sac: What're you saying?

Sac: We, Diamond Vacuum, had promised to make our music debut long before you guys.

Kyu: Our chance has finally arrived, Otae-chan.

Shin: No chance in hell! Get outta here!

Tae: We get it.

Tae: We're okay with being the backing band.

Tae: But please don't forget what I said about an idol's enemies lurking behind her.

Gin: What are you plotting?!

Gin: And what do you mean, "on castanets"? You're useless!

Tsu: Hey, what's "bass"?

Tsu: What, do I have to h*t a ball with this thing and run to base?

Gin: Who brought this bum here?!

Shin: Get out! All of you get out!

OMom: Producer Sakata is good.

OMom: He's even got a backing band full of beauties.

OMom: This is sure to spur Otsu on.

OMom: Otsu, if you slack off, you really will be eaten alive.

OMom: Do your best.

Otsu: Who am I?

OMom: Otsu!

 Debut Single An Idol's Badge of Honor

S: Looks like Terakado Tsu's making her move.

S: Booger Diamonds , huh?

S: I don't know where she found this partner, but she's pretty cute.

S: She truly looks boorish and uncultured,

S: like the poster girl of a diner out in the sticks.

S: The perfect partner for her.

S: She should've quietly faded away as a solo act.

S: Does she really think she can b*at us with this partner?

S: Terakado Tsu and Booger Diamonds .

S: I can't wait to see what a top idol on Earth is like.

G: Wh-What the hell is this?

G: Otsu-chan is making a unit debut?

Taka: This ain't funny! Who the hell is this booger girl?

G: We've always worshiped Otsu-chan as the one true goddess!

G: How dare they defile her with this package deal?!

G: As her fanclub, we will never accept this unit!

G: Yeah, yeah!

G: This is bad.

G: Let Captain Shimura know at once!

Kag: Manager Shimura!

Otsu: What're you doing over there?

Kag: Idols are busy people! Get me my sukonbu already, you rotten manager!

G: Manager Shimura?

G: Captain!

G: And Otsu-chan, too!

G: What's the meaning of this, Captain?!

G: Surely you didn't make her do this...

Shin: No, that's not it!

Shin: Hey, wait up!

Shin: Don't leave me behind!

Studio_Edo,Sign: Studio Edo

Otsu: La la la, idol

Kag: Accel, consul, it's dreams that we sell, 'kay?

Gin: Wait, time out.

Gin: Quit mixing in the 'kays, Kagura. You're ruining the lyrics.

Gin: Just forget about your character and lay yourself bare.

Gin: Try being plain old Kugimiya-san.

Shin: Aw, the one place where I could shine...

Shin: Producer Sakata, did you see how the fans reacted?

Shin: What now? Nobody wants this unit.

Gin: Don't worry.

Gin: I've got a huge event lined up for the CD's release.

Gin: The backing band's making adjustments for it, too.

Tsu: Why do I have to do this?

Gin: As long as we create enough hype by then, it won't be a problem.

Gin: You fell in love with Otsu-chan when you watched her street concerts, right?

Gin: Real popularity is always built up slowly and steadily like that.

Gin: People who become fans overnight also leave overnight.

Gin: There are no shortcuts in showbiz, Manager Shimura.

Shin: That's true.

Gin: I feel bad for Otsu-chan, but she'll have to forget she's a top idol

Sign: Pillow Talk Meet

SignL: As long as you giveus money, we'll sell you dreams, pillows, or whatever.

Gin: and start over from sales.

Sign: Pillow Talk Meet

Shin: What's slow and steady about this?!

Shin: What do you mean, pillow talk meet?

Shin: What're you trying to make idols do?!

Gin: It's basically a meet-and-greet.

Gin: You know how "idols you can meet" are all the rage?

Gin: We'll go with "idols you can pillow talk."

Shin: You can't call those idols!

Gin: Relax. I know it says pillow talk,

Otsu,Sign: Otsu

Gin: but this is just a meet-and-greet where we sell expensive autographed pillows.

Shin: That's basically a scam!

Sign: Kagura

G: Pillow talk with Otsu-chan!

Shin: A whole horde of men showed up with the wrong idea!

Gin: Looks like it worked.

Shin: Like hell! This is too risky!

Gin: Meet-and-greets are always full of risks.

Gin: All idol nerds touch their d*cks before going to those.

Gin: The idols and fans both get covered in d*ck.

Gin: In the end, it just becomes d*cks shaking hands with d*cks.

Shin: What kind of risk are you even talking about?!

Kag: Ugh, are you serious? That's horrible.

Kag: Make them disinfect before shaking hands.

Shin: An idol with her hand covered in boogers shouldn't talk!

Otsu: It's okay. If this made me lose heart, I'd never make it as an idol.

Gin: That's a pro for you.

Gin: Don't worry. We'll protect you if anything happens.

Kag: Promise?

Kag: Come save us at once if anyone dangerous shows up.

Shin: The idol's more dangerous!

Kag: Okay, next.

Kag: Okay, next.

Shin: Wait, wait, wait!

Kag: Okay, next.

Shin: Forget meet-and-greet! This has become Hanayama Kaoru's Vice Grip Meet!

Kag: Okay, next.

Kag: Okay, next.

Kag: Okay, next.

Kag: Huh? I'm not supposed to send them to the pillows?

Shin: This isn't what pillow business means!

Shin: They're all dying off before they can reach Otsu-chan, their goal!

G: Screw you! I came here 'cause I heard I could pillow talk with Otsu-chan!

G: We can't even shake her hand like this!

G: Gimme back my money!

Shin: This is bad, Producer Sakata!

Shin: We won't get popular like this! We'll get sued!

Gin: Rest assured. All of this was just a sideshow.

Gin: The main event starts now.

Otsu,Sign: Otsu

Kagura,Sign: Kagura

Gin: Anyone who buys a pillow

Gin: will get a Booger Diamonds  lap pillow coupon!

Shin: What do you think you're saying, Gin-san?

Gin: What's wrong with lap pillows? It's not like they lose anything.

Kag: Yeah, sounds good.

Kag: Take this.

Kag: Lap Pillow Punch!

Shin: There's nothing good about this!

Kag: Lap Pillow Punch!

Shin: Who asked you to use that random martial art?!

Kag: Lap Pillow Punch!

Kag: Lap Pillow Punch!

Shin: What the hell is a Lap Pillow Punch? It's just a knee strike!

Kag: I sleep better with a hard pillow.

Shin: Nobody cares about your pillow preferences!

Shin: I know you sleep like a log, but that doesn't matter!

C: Knock it off! We're not here to visit some S&M club!

C: You really call yourself idols?!

Shin: Sakata P!

Gin: That was a sideshow, too.

Otsu,Sign: Otsu

Kagura,Sign: Kagura

Gin: Anyone who buys a pillow

Gin: will get to sleep for a tiny bit with Booger Diamonds  on that very pillow!

Kag: Zzz...

Kag: No, that's my Happy Turn!

Gin: That was a sideshow, too!

Gin: If you buy right here and now,

Gin: you get a special price of , yen and  bonus pillow storage boxes!

Shin: Now you're just Suckerta on the TV Shopping Network!

G: What the hell is wrong with these guys?

G: Screw this! Let's bounce!

Shin: Hey, wait!

S: Aw, the poor things. How could you be so mean to your fans?

S: To idols, the fans are gods.

S: We would never let you look so sad when you leave.

G: That's...

S: Why? Because...

S: Tubular!

S: We provide dreams to all of space

S: as the special unit of galactic idols.

S: That is why.

Shin: Galaxy Kingdom Bitches ?!

TBC,Sign: To Be Continued

Preview,Sign: Preview

Kag: What's with these girls?

Kag: I can't believe they can say "tubular" when sober.

Kag: We'll see if you can maintain that attitude after you watch our meet-and-greet.

Title: Diamonds are Unscratchable

Kag: Next time: "Diamonds are Unscratchable."

Preview: ,Preview

S: They might not let us, even if this is a late-night slot.

 TextR: We've already pulled all kindsof crap over the years.

Side Bar Bottom Black,TextL: What can they possibly be planning to pull now?

 TextR: When GKB challenge them,

 TextL: how will BDZ respond?!
{"type": "series", "show": "Gintama", "episode": "09x09 - Wash Your Hands Before a Handshake"}