Scene: A corridor at the university

Raj: It was a nice retirement party.

Howard: I guess. Still, it’s a shame Professor Rothman was forced to step down.

Leonard: What choice did the university have? He snapped. It happens to theoretical physicists all the time.

Howard: I wonder how long Sheldon’s got.

Sheldon: These shrimp are all the same size. There’s no the logical order to eat them in.

Leonard: Can’t be very long.

Raj: Hey, look, there’s Rothman’s empty office. Sad.

Leonard: Yeah.

Sheldon: Mm, indeed.

Howard: So sad.

Sheldon: Dibs.

Kripke: What’s up, fewwas?

Sheldon: What are you doing here, Kripke?

Kripke: Ah, measuwing my new office for dwapes.

Sheldon: This is not your office. It hasn’t been assigned yet.

Kripke: Well, I called dibs at the Chwistmas party when Pwofessor Wothman twied to have intercourse with the toys for tots cowwection box.

Sheldon: Dibs? This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.

Leonard: You just called dibs.

Sheldon: Shut it. Offices are assigned by seniority. I arrived at the university first.

Kripke: I awwived at the office first. I’m the pwoverbial earwy bird.

Rothman (entering, naked): Gentlemen.

All: Professor Rothman.

Rothman: Good evening.

All: Good evening.

Raj: I’m glad that men are wearing hats again. They’re so distinguished.

Credits sequence.

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Amy: I got you a little something.

Penny: A little something? Oh, it… what, this is huge.

Amy: What’s huge is what you’ve done for me.

Penny: Oh, no, Amy, I haven’t done anything.

Amy: No, no, before I met you, I was a mousy wallflower. But look at me now. I’m like some kind of downtown hipster party girl. With a posse, a boyfriend and a new lace bra that hooks in the front, of all things. Open it. Open it.

Penny: Okay. (Opens parcel to find a huge and not at all flattering painting of Penny and Amy)

Amy: I wanted to get you something you didn’t have.

Penny: Wow. I-I don’t know what to s… Wow.

Amy: Do you like it?

Penny: Do I like it? Wow.

Amy: So, uh, where are you gonna hang it?

Penny: Oh, my God. Hang it. Wow. Um, you know, I’d have to go get a hook and nails and a hammer and…

Amy: No problem.

Penny: Oh, look. You, huh, you just, you got it all right there. Wow.

Scene: A bathroom at the university.

Sheldon: I found him. He’s in the bathroom. President Siebert?

Siebert: Can’t this wait?

Sheldon: I’m sorry. We just need a word.

Siebert: Now? You realize I’m your boss, and I am holding my penis?

Kripke: Sheldon, give the man some pwivacy. I’m sowwy. This guy’s got no wespect for boundawies.

Siebert: What do you want?

Kripke: Will you tell this wunatic that Pwofessor Wothman’s office is wightfully mine?

Siebert: Can’t you take this up with your department chairman?

Sheldon: We tried. His assistant said he was on sabbatical. Although we distinctly heard his office window open and shut.

Siebert: Gentlemen, there’s a task I’m trying to accomplish here, and I’m having trouble doing it.

Sheldon: Oh, my. President Siebert, I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but difficulty initiating a urine stream could be a symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia. If you’re interested, I can send you a link to a YouTube video that’ll show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Yeah, uh, helpful hint, trim your nails first.

Kripke: Ignore him, Pwesident Siebert. I’m sure a young man such as yourself has a perfectwy healthy pwostate.

Sheldon: Oh, he’s just trying to butter you up. And for the record, butter is an excellent lubricant for your rectal exam.

Siebert: Gentlemen, I’m going to allow the two of you to work this out because A, you’re both brilliant scientists, and B, as far as who gets Rothman’s office, I couldn’t give the furry crack of a rat’s behind.

Kripke: Well, as wong as we’re here, I might as well take a weak.

Sheldon: Kripke?

Kripke: Yes?

Sheldon: You’re in my spot.

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Bernadette: That is big.

Penny: So big.

Bernadette: And ugly.

Penny: So ugly. What am I gonna do?

Bernadette: I don’t know. You can’t take it down. You’ll break her heart. Look at that face. That enormous, unsettling, crazy face.

Penny: Is there any chance I’ll learn to love it?

Bernadette: That depends. Do you like pictures of yourself where you look like a man?

Penny: All right, it’s got to go.

Bernadette: What will you tell Amy?

Penny: How about I tell her the painting makes you feel jealous because you’re not in it?

Bernadette: Nuh-uh. What if she gets me one? I already have a picture of me and Howard’s mom getting our hair cornrowed in Venice Beach. I’ve suffered enough.

Penny: Well, I guess I could take it down and put it up when she comes over, but it’s kind of heavy.

Bernadette: Mmm, too bad you’re not as strong as the dude in the painting.

Scene: The apartment.

Raj: Would you look at this? I paid twenty five dollars to some kid on eBay for a handcrafted Harry Potter wand. He sent me a stick. He went into his backyard, he picked up a stick.

Howard: It’s numbered.

Raj: Ooh, limited edition. Nice.

Sheldon (knock on door): Oh, that’ll be Kripke.

Leonard: What’s he doing here?

Sheldon: We’re going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to poison his tea.

Kripke: Cooper.

Sheldon: Kripke. Come in. I’m making tea. Would you like a cup?

Kripke: Am I weawing a summer fwock? No, I don’t want tea. Wet’s get down to bwass tacks.

Sheldon: Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship…

Kripke: We’re not fwiends.

Sheldon: Well, that’s a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following. I will take Rothman’s office, and you will find a way to be okay with that.

Kripke: How about I take Wothman’s office, and you go suck a wemon?

Sheldon: You sure I can’t get you that cup of tea?

Raj: How about you decide this with Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?

Kripke: What the fwig is that?

Sheldon: Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock was created by Internet pioneer Sam Kass as an improvement on the classic game Rock-Paper-Scissors. All hail Sam Kass.

All: Hail.

Kripke: How does it work?

Sheldon: Oh, it’s very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

Kripke: I’m sowwy. Can you wepeat that?

Sheldon: Well, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

Kripke: Almost got it. One more time.

Sheldon: Surely. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock…

Howard: Sheldon, stop. He’s screwing with you.

Sheldon: Is he? Well, then, it seems we have reached an impasse. I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel. I’d smack you with a glove, but just last week I packed away my winter things.

Howard: It’s the 21st century. You can’t have a duel.

Leonard: H-h-h-hang on, Howard. Barry, how good of a sh*t are you?

Sheldon: Not p*stol. Minds. A trivia contest, and you may choose the field of battle. Star Trek trivia, Star Trek: Next Generation trivia, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine trivia, Star Trek: Voyager trivia, or model trains.

Kripke: You have a compwete advantage in twivia. You have an eidetic memowy. Pwus, I haven’t watched Star Twek since I discovered the stwip cwub near my apartment has a fwee buffet.

Leonard: It’s gonna be hard to find something you’re both equally good at.

Raj: Is there anything you’re both equally bad at?

Both: Sports.

Scene: A basketball court.

Leonard: All right, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins the office. Any questions? Yes, Sheldon?

Sheldon: Five what?

Leonard: Balls in the basket. (Throws ball to Sheldon)

Sheldon (dodging out of the way): Ew!

Later. Sheldon dribbling ball, approached Kripke, throws it wildly at a pile of mats in the corner.

Kripke: It’s out, wight?

Later. Kripke, dribbling ball, watched by Sheldon, dribbles it all the way into the back wall.

Kripke: Time. Wan out of woom.

Leonard: You know all those terrible things bullies used to do to us?

Raj: Yeah.

Leonard: I get it.

Later. Kripke chases ball across room chased by Sheldon. Sounds of collision. Sheldon chases ball back across the room chased by Kripke.

Later. Ball hits Sheldon in back of head.

Sheldon: Hey! He did that on purpose,

Leonard: No, he didn’t. Nothing that’s happening here is being done on purpose. Okay, uh, forget one-on-one. Let’s try a free throw contest. First person who makes a basket wins the office.

Kripke: Making it too easy there, Hofstadter.

Leonard: No. No, I’m not.

Sheldon: Use the force, Sheldon. Use the force. (Throws ball. It goes about two feet in front of him.) I’m gonna need more force.

Kripke: Aw wight, Cooper, pwepare to have your heart bwoken. (Throws ball up. It hits the ceiling and doesn’t come down.) Do I get points for that?

Later. A trampoline has been added. Sheldon tries first, ball hits backboard, bounces back in his face. Kripke tries next, with a run up, ends up crashing into the back wall again.

Later.

Leonard: All right, we gave it 45 minutes. It’s no longer funny. Let’s try something else.

Sheldon: What do you propose?

Leonard: Uh, on the count of three, both of you bounce the balls as hard as you can. The highest bounce wins the office.

Kripke: Oh, you are going down, Cooper.

Sheldon: I don’t think so, Kripke. I’ve bounced many a rubber ball in my day.

Leonard: All right, that’s enough trash talk. One, two, three.

Howard: Sheldon was higher.

Leonard: Congratulations, Sheldon. You win office.

Sheldon: Who’s unsatisfactory in P.E. now?

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Amy: Oh, what a great movie.

Penny: I cannot believe you’ve never seen Grease.

Amy: My mother didn’t allow me to watch it. She was afraid it might encourage me to join a g*ng.

Bernadette: I’ve got to go. I’ve got to get up early. My company’s testing a new steroid that supposedly doesn’t shrink testicles, and the last one there has to do the measuring.

Amy: I guess I should get going, too. Good night, painting Penny. Good night, real Penny.

Penny: Good night, real Amy.

Amy: You don’t have to say good night to painting Amy, ’cause she’s never leaving.

Bernadette: Good night, real Penny.

Penny: Bye.

Bernadette: Good night, tr*nsv*stite Penny.

Penny: Ah, okay. Let us take you off the wall. Out of sight, out of mind. I wish.

Amy (entering): You know, can I borrow that movie? Those singing hooligans really got my motor running.

Penny: Sure, sure. Enjoy. I mean, get it back to me when you can, or, you know what, actually, you keep it. It’s just going to be my gift to you. Bye.

Amy: Thank you. Wait. Where’d the painting go?

Penny: It’s right over there.

Amy: Why?

Penny: I have no idea. That is weird.

Amy: You hate it.

Penny: No. No, no. It’s just, it’s a little big.

Amy: I feel like an idiot.

Penny: No, come on, you’re not an idiot. Look, just help me put it back up.

Amy: Why? So you can just take it down when I leave? I don’t need your pity.

Penny: Oh, Amy, come on.

Amy: I’m just glad I didn’t go for the sculpture.

Scene: Rothman’s office.

Sheldon: Ah, the spoils. I see why victors love them.

Raj: I’m happy for you, Sheldon. But I have to admit I’m going to miss sharing an office with you.

Sheldon: Oh, of course you are. Feel free to drop by any time.

Raj: Thank you.

Sheldon: Yeah. Call first. (Pushes him out. Closes door. Rothman is standing naked behind it.)

Rothman: Oh. Hello.

Sheldon: Professor Rothman. This isn’t your office any more. You’re retired.

Rothman: I think the word you’re looking for is invisible.

Scene: Amy’s apartment.

Penny: I came to say I’m sorry.

Amy: Don’t bother.

Penny: Oh, Amy, please.

Amy: I’m so humiliated. I sat there the whole time that we were watching Grease, thinking you liked the painting.

Penny: I know.

Amy: I was a fool from Summer Lovin’ to the very last rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong.

Penny: You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I should have been honest with you and told you the gift was too much.

Amy: Yes, too much. Because our friendship is fundamentally asymmetrical. I clearly like you more than you like me.

Penny: I don’t think you can put a number on how much one person likes another.

Amy: I bought you a painting that’s 12 square feet in area. There’s a number.

Penny: Amy, come on…

Amy: If you don’t like feet, you can try dollars. The painting set me back three grand.

Penny: Three gr… Oh, my God! Look, look, Amy, all you need to know is, you are my friend and I don’t want to lose you out of my life.

Amy: I’m sorry, I’m just having trouble believing you right now.

Penny: Grab your hammer.

Amy: No. Damage is done.

Penny: Okay, look, I didn’t want to say this, but the real reason I took the painting down was because it made Bernadette very jealous.

Amy: Oh, my goodness, how could I have not seen that? The painting is a constant reminder that of the three of us, she is the least cool.

Penny: Yeah, th-th-th-that’s what it is, so…

Amy: You have such a good heart.

Penny: Huh, I try.

Amy: Come on.

Penny: Well where are we going?

Amy: We’re going to go put this painting back up in your apartment.

Penny: Well, what about Bernadette?

Amy: Oh, screw her. She’s just lucky we let her hang out with us.

Scene: Rothman’s office. Sheldon is trying to affix paper over a fiercely bl*wing air vent.

Leonard: What are you doing?

Sheldon: I’m trying to raise the temperature in here before my nipples tear through my shirt.

Howard: Why don’t you just turn up the thermostat?

Sheldon: Aha! Good question. It turns out the thermostat for my new office isn’t in my new office. No. It’s next door, in Professor Davenport’s office, who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause.

Leonard: Why is there a hole here?

Sheldon: Why is there a hole in my new office? I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.

Raj: Well, at least you finally got a window that opens. That’s nice.

Sheldon: Is it? Listen.

Raj: What, you don’t like wind chimes?

Sheldon: No, I hate them, but it gets worse. There it is.

Howard: The bird?

Sheldon: Yeah, It’s completely out of tune with the wind chimes.

Raj: So?

Sheldon: You don’t get it, do you? That’s a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song, which means he’s out of tune on purpose. He’s mocking me. Oh dear. There it is again. Do you feel it?

Howard: The growing realization that you are one wacky bastard? Yep.

Sheldon: No. The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they’re running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!

Leonard: Sheldon, relax.

Sheldon: How can I relax? My nervous system is being stretched out like the strings of a harp and plucked by holes and birds and wind and the low-hanging scrotum of the difficult-to-evict Professor Rothman.

Leonard: If you’re not happy, why don’t you just let Kripke have the office?

Sheldon: What, and let him win? Do I look crazy to you? We’re trying to think down here, you geode-loving feldspar jockeys! (To the bird) And you, the notes are C, D, E, G and A. You pick one or I am chopping down that tree!

Scene: Penny’s apartment.

Penny: How’s that?

Amy: Little higher on the right.

Penny: Now?

Amy: Little more. No. That’s got it.

Penny: Yeah, okay. That’s, uh, that’s good.

Amy: I’ll let you in on a little secret.

Penny: Mm.

Amy: Originally we were painted nude. But I had him add clothes, ’cause I thought it was an unnecessary challenge to our heterosexuality.

Penny: Yeah, good call.

Amy: But if you ever change your mind, all it would take is some warm, soapy water and a couple of sponges.

Penny: You’re talking about the painting, right?

Amy: Sure.

Scene: Rothman’s office. Sheldon has his head stuck in the hole in the wall.

Sheldon: Help! Somebody help!

Leonard: What happened?

Sheldon: I was trying to see what was in here and my head got stuck.

Leonard: Why would you do that?

Sheldon: It’s called scientific curiosity. Now go get butter.

Leonard: Hang in there. I’ll be right back. (Takes out phone and takes a photo. Sits down and starts posting it online.)
{"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "05x17 - The Rothman Disintegration"}