Season 5 - Episode 01/02

"Weight Loss"

[ 05x01/02 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Kelly: [to Holly] I'm doing the blood type diet.

Meredith: Who gives a f[bleep]?

Kelly: What'd you say h[bleep]?

Holly: Okay, great. I got it.

Dwight: Look what just arrived from the Nashua branch. [reads from card attached to gift basket] "Here's something to enjoy on your three non-vacation days. Nashua branch." Can I send them a d*ad deer?

Michael: No, you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna take that and we are going to us it as a reward for the end of our competition.

Dwight: Classy.

Dwight: My dream vacation? I sleep in, putter around the farm, go fishing for a few hours, take a long run in the forest, check the traps. Then the sun comes up and I head into work, which is empty, because everyone else is out of town on vacation.

Oscar: [seeing Kevin throw out bunch of M&Ms] Nice job, Kevin. [Kevin fills jar back up with another candy]

Oscar: I'm pretty fit. But in the gay community, there's a lot of pressure to be ripped. I got straight abs. I want gay abs.

Oscar: Can you turn the heat down now - it's oppressive.

Andy: Yeah, totally. I'm sorry, Oscar. Yeah, I didn't realize it was bothering you.

Oscar: It's just...

Andy: 'Cause it's kind of bothering all of us, 'cause it's really hot, you know, it's hot, so we can lose weight, so we don't screw up this whole contest for the entire freaking office, but if you want, I'll turn it down.

[ 05x01/02 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Michael: Hello, hello. Hey! Your face is almost back to normal.

Meredith: One more kid calls me "Hellboy," I swear to God...

Dwight: Oh, you wish. Hellboy's a hero.

Meredith: These guys took me out on their fishing boat. I don't think I caught anything.

Oscar: Have you been to the beach yet?

Toby: [on the computer] No, but I'm going zip lining tomorrow, through the, through the rainforest, with this cool couple I, I met at my hotel. Wo-woman's amazing...

Michael: Hey, Oscar! Come on, let's go!

Oscar: Okay, Toby, I gotta go.

Toby: Hey, is that Michael? Does he miss me? [laughs] Uh, Oscar? Are you there? Hello? [sighs]

Michael: I am suspending you without pay for the rest of the year.

Jim: No, you're not.

Michael: Okay, no, I am not. Dwight! [Dwight runs into Michael's office] I want you to take Jim's chair. No! No! His chair at his desk. He gets it back on Friday.

Dwight: All right!

Michael: I want you to get your ass out of my face.

Jim: [sitting on a stack of paper] Yeah, well, if you're only free till three on Sunday and I can't get there till one, then it's gonna be pretty tight.

Michael: [from his office] That's what she said.

Jim: [as Dwight tries to take paper out from under him] Hey, can you not?

Dwight: Can you not? No sitting devices, Michael's rules.

Jim: No, no, no, definitely, definitely. Yes. Next weekend, then. All right! I love you, too.

Dwight: Gah! [tries to dislodge paper with his feet]

Darryl: Hey, um, my daughter said you traded her a headband for her Nintendo DS?

Kelly: Oh yeah, she loves that headband.

Darryl: She's six.

Kelly: She manipulates you.

Darryl: Okay, I'm gonna need you to make this right or else we can't be right.

Kelly: I never know when you're kidding.

[ 05x01/02 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Jan: I can't feel... I can't feel anything that you're doing, Michael.

Michael: Well...

Jan: It's like nothing's happening.

Michael: You're...you know what? I read in one of those books that you're not even supposed to give foot massages because it can induce labor.

Jan: Oh, just stop making excuses and just dig in there.

Michael: I'm digging.

Jim: When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us all to believe that he was the father... by telling us he was the father. But then we got this e-mail from Jan. [waves paper and reads from it] "Hi, everyone! Jan here, writing to share some wonderful news and to quash a rumor. First, the great news - I am expecting. The beautiful baby inside me will be ready to meet the world this fall just a few months before the launch of the new Serenity by Jan line (shameless plug, I know, don't hate me, LOL). Anyway, I also wanted to clarify that the father is not anyone that you or I have ever met. Remember, no matter how excited someone is about my baby, it does not make them the father. Best, Jan. P.S. Hope to ship you something soon."

Michael: I can't wait to be a father. I'm going to smother that baby.

Jan: Uh, new wicks from Craft Corner, uh, this dress [hands Michael bag] returned to Suburban Casuals, and uh, panty liners.

Michael: I really, I don't want to get panty liners, please...

Jan: Well, I, you said you wanted to help, so I...

Michael: I know, it's...

Dwight: Will you be able to milk with those implants?

Jan: You mean breastfeed?

Dwight: Yeah. [Jan starts to get up] Easy there, old girl. [tries to help her]

Jan: Uh, I'm fine, thank you.

Dwight: Okay.

Jan: Would you just call me when you're done with the errands, Michael?

Michael: Yes.

Dwight: [as Jan leaves room] Careful. Hmm. She was a keeper.

Michael: I want you to get the panty liners.

Dwight: Done.

Season 5 - Episode 03

"Business Ethics"

[ 05x03 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Holly: Stealing office supplies is another big ethical area that there seems to be some confusion about.

Oscar: That's a big ethical area?

Oscar: Listen, I would love to have an honest conversation with management about ethics. Why isn't the company doing better? Mmm... it could be the pad of Post-its I took home last week. Or it could be the twelve million dollars in deferred compensation in stock options they paid the CEO for a year of substandard performance. I'm sure we'll cover both in the seminar.

Creed: I've done some things I'm not proud of. Committed some atrocities in Vietnam, uh, two years ago. Princess Cruise Lines.

Phyllis: During our honeymoon safari in Africa, Bob and I were driving late at night, and he'd been drinking, and suddenly thump. We h*t something with our jeep. It was probably a man. We didn't know what to do. We heard the police were corrupt and they might b*at us, so we just kept driving as fast as we could. We bribed the airline, got on a plane that night, and fled home. Maybe it was just an ostrich. In a soccer uniform.

[ 05x03 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Holly: Have any of you ever faced any ethical dilemmas in the work place?

Michael: Let's keep this rollin'... Ryan?

Jim: Oh, but you mean other than embezzling?

Ryan: Fraud, Jim, Fraud.

Jim: Fraud.

Ryan: Sure, last year you guys were riding me really hard for the website and I just peeled out my Z3 and I knocked the mirror off somebody's car. I never said a thing.

Kevin: Wait, what?

Kevin: You knocked the mirror off of my car.

Ryan: Yeah, isn't that messed up?

Kevin: Yeah.

Ryan: That guy did a lot of things I'm not proud of.

Kevin: Wait, when you say "that guy", you mean you?

Ryan: I mean the guy I used to be. I'm Ryan 2.0 and if it makes you feel any better, that guy did a lot of messed up stuff to me too. [tries to walk away]

Kevin: No, you mean that you did a lot of messed up stuff to you... too?

Ryan: Look, I feel you okay? That guy took no responsibility for his actions.

Kevin: But are, are you gonna pay for my mirror?

Ryan: If I have to answer for everything that guy did... [shakes head] I'm never gonna move on.

Kevin: It was like two hundred dollars.

Ryan: We're never going to get what need from that guy. [still shaking head, pats Kevin on the shoulder and walks out of the kitchen]

Ryan: Hey, anybody see a pair of sunglasses?

Kevin: Umm... I think I saw some in the kitchen. [toaster oven bell rings, Ryan opens it as smoke rolls out and he see's his melted sunglasses on the tray, Ryan takes cooked sunglasses to Kevin] Oh! I didn't do that. That was Kevin 1.0, but he hurt a lot of people Ryan, and I can't accept responsibility for what he did. [Ryan walks away and throws his sunglasses in the trash, Kevin smiles]

[ 05x03 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Meredith: What are we gonna do?

Stanley: About what?

Meredith: Holly. She's on the warpath. She is g*n for all our jobs. Do you guys have any dirt on her?

Phyllis: Mmm... sometimes her stockings have a run in them.

Meredith: No. Something I can blackmail her with.

Phyllis: One time I said good morning to her, and she didn't say it back.

Meredith: Stanley, didn't she say a bunch of r*cist stuff to you?

Stanley: No, that was you.

Meredith: You weren't even in the room! Thanks for nothing.

Meredith: Hey, how did it go?

Michael: Oh, cr..., oh, God. Meredith, you know what? I just need a minute, okay?

Meredith: Okay. [remains sitting]

Michael: What do you need?

Meredith: I'm getting fired, aren't I? I can't get fired. I got nothing else. Nothing. No skill set. Can't type, bad on the phone, not great with people.

Michael: I... really want to keep you.

Meredith: Where else am I gonna get another job that lets me come it at eleven and leave at four?

Michael: Wait, what?

Meredith: I wish Toby was still here.

Michael: Nnnngah!

Season 5 - Episode 04

"Baby Shower"

[ 05x04 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Angela: All right, how about we play the game where we guess how big the mother's belly is?

Michael: Oh! OK!

Jan: Well...

Angela: How many squares of toilet paper go around the waist?

Kevin: Does that mean there's no toilet paper in the bathroom?

Angela: Kevin, relax.

Jan: OK, you know what, I don't think I need to do this one, because I only gained twelve pounds and I'm just going to get rid of all of that, so...

Michael: Seventeen. I say seventeen squares.

Jan: OK, give me the roll. I'll do it.

Michael: Do the boobs!

Jan: Yeah, we're not doing my boobs, Michael. OK, seven, someone give me the prize. [to Astrid] Oh, it's OK...

Holly: Did she really just have a baby? She's so beautiful.

Jim: Oh yeah. Wait 'til you get to know her better though.

Michael: Hey! HR lady, stop whispering in the corner please. Very rude. You're ruining the party.

Holly: I'm starting to get a feeling for what life was like around here for Toby.

Toby: [on the phone] It was terrible.

Holly: I know.

Toby: I prefer being stuck in a Costa Rican hospital.

Holly: Really?

Toby: Not really.

Kevin: Hey Jan, you went to a sperm bank?

Jan: Uh, yes, I did.

Kevin: I donated sperm.

Jan: Oh.

Kevin: Maybe I'm the father.

Jan: Well, this is a highly exclusive establishment.

Kevin: Next to the IHOP?

Jan: Well, I paid for an ideal specimen.

Oscar: Are you saying Kevin is not an ideal specimen?

Jan: This is a wonderful shower, everyone. Thank you.

Kevin: [to camera] I might have done it with Jan!

Jan: It's not Kevin's child. Can't possibly be. I mean, I don't know what I would do. Sue... icide?

[ 05x04 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Jan: [Jan nurses Astrid with her top down, office workers try to work] Okay, 'Stridly, you want to try the other side? Okay, here we go. That's good. Oh, good job.

Kevin: Jan? What's new?

Jan: You know what, Kevin? Why don't you just go ahead and stare? Because, you know, it's, it's fine with me. I mean, this is sooo natural, and so beautiful, and...

Kevin: Seriously? You're okay with that?

Jan: Of course. I mean, there's nothing erotic about this, you know, it's, it's, it's what these [shakes a breast] were made for, you know, I mean they're full of baby milk, they're... nourishing my baby, so... [tosses head proudly, Creed comes up to stand next to Kevin, staring directly at Jan's chest] Michael!

[ 05x04 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Dwight: Hello, spoiled little baby, [to a watermelon] in your fancy brand name stroller. Mmm, I wonder if it's as safe as they say it is. Oh, look, a curb. Uh oh, let's see what happens... [lets it go, it flies off the curb, stays upright, and stops safely] Inconclusive. [pushes it out into the street, it rolls to a stop] Spartans would leave a weak baby by the side of the road. My parents left me beside the road. I crawled home.

Dwight: Not so weak, huh, Mom?

Dwight: Gosh, Mommy feels like taking a jog. [runs with stroller] Oh, no! Mommy forgot to wear a bra, and her big fake boobs are really hurting her, and she needs to let go, she can't control the stroller any longer [forcefully pushes stroller away toward uneven ground with junk strewn around, the stroller hits some junk, stays upright, and stops safely]

Dwight: Let's see what this baby can do... [drives car fast, holding stroller alongside the car, stroller remains fine] Aaaah! Aa-aaah! [throws it ahead of the car, it goes for a while and then is stopping] It's a hardy stroller. [takes watermelon out of stroller, holds it up to show camera] Maybe it's safe!

Season 5 - Episode 05

"Crime Aid"

[ 05x05 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Pam: What can I do for you, Michael? I'm kinda busy.

Michael: Oh, I guess that job that I got you is working out for you well, then.

Pam: It is. Thanks again.

Michael: Hey, if there's anything else I can do, just let me know.

Pam: [long pause] And of course, if there's ever anything I can ever do for you...

Michael: You know what? I would love a slice of real New York style pizza.

Pam: If I get you a slice of pizza, are we even?

Michael: Even as pie.

Michael: [opening a delivery envelope, takes out slice of pizza which appears to have a section off the end] Okay... don't ask me how I got it, let's just say that I have... connections. [folds it in two and takes a bite] Mmm. Mmm. [with a full mouth and an Italian accent] I'm the Godfather. I'm gonna eat this whole pizza. And then I'm gonna k*ll you. [digs around in envelope, pulls out the rest of the slice] [indistinct] some cheese. You gotta fold it up. That's the way you eat pizza.

Jim: I just don't know if he's presidential enough.

Pam: I know. And how long is CJ gonna spin this whole MS thing? How can Josh and Sam keep quiet?

Pam: Every night, Jim and I watch an episode of The West Wing together on DVD. Um, he wanted to watch Battlestar Galactica and I wanted to watch Cranford... so we compromised. Next we're gonna watch Cranford.

Jim: Cranford? No. We will never watch that.

[ 05x05 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Michael: I am going to run three possible date ideas by you and I want you to tell me which one gets your blood percolating.

Jim: Ah, I'm sure they're all great.

Michael: I have two sure things, one wildcard.

Jim: Let's start with the wildcard.

Michael: Okay.

Jim: Mmm-hmm.

Michael: The wildcard is dinner at a nice restaurant.

Jim: Uh-oh.

Michael: Exactly. Here, here are my sure things. I blindfold her. I take her to the Houdini Museum. She chains me up...

Jim: I think I got a pretty good sense of that one.

Michael: Okay.

Jim: Yep.

Michael: All right.

Jim: Let's move on to the next.

Michael: Number two, we go to the mall...

Jim: Mmm-hmm.

Michael: We go to the bed store, I let her choose whatever bed she wants...

Jim: Oh, that's good.

Michael: And we have sex on it.

Jim: I like the wild card. I'm already liking the wild card.

Michael: Really? I don't know. It's a big third date, Jim.

Jim: Mmm-hmm.

Michael: What do I do?

Jim: Have you asked her what she wants to do?

Michael: Well, I thought as the man that I should make the decision.

Jim: No. You got that backwards.

Michael: Times have changed, Jim.

Dwight: Our first date was at the Anthracite Coal Museum. We had both been before, but we pretended like it was our first time so we could get all the extra information. They knew we were faking... 'cause they recognized us. But we made them tell us all the stories. All the safety information. And we corrected them whenever they got it wrong. [Phyllis chuckles and nods, Dwight sighs and takes the rest of his sandwich out of the container and holds it up to Phyllis] You want half a sandwich?

Phyllis: Okay.

Dwight: I'll bring you one tomorrow. You've earned it. [bites into the sandwich half, chews] Mmm. I hope you like fox meat.

Season 5 - Episode 06

"Employee Transfer"

[ 05x06 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Oscar: We'll miss you.

Holly: Well, I'll be around.

Oscar: [chuckling] Isn't it a seven-hour drive?

Holly: It's not that bad. But if I'm really jonesing to see you guys, I can always fly.

Oscar: I don't know if it'll be shorter to fly. [Holly gasps] You have to drive to Boston, right? That's an hour and a half. Get there an hour before the flight. Now you're up two and a half hours. The flight to Philadelphia is an hour fifteen. It's another two and a half hour drive to Scranton, assuming there's no traffic, because....

Holly: [interrupting Oscar] Well, I just want to say goodbye. [hugs Oscar]

Oscar: Okay.

Holly: Okay.

Oscar: Bye.

Kevin: Well, Hol, this is it.

Holly: Yeah, okay. [extends hand to Kevin]

Kevin: [outstretches arms for a hug, Holly reluctantly complies]

Kevin: [whispers in Holly's ear, Holly reacts with horrified look]

Holly: [pushing Kevin away] Um, yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Kevin: Yeah, but you have to admit it would be wild.

Kelly: So, you're dumping Michael? Smart.

Holly: No, we're gonna do the long-distance thing.

Kelly: Oh! You guys are gonna keep dating? That's so romantic!

Holly: Yeah, thanks.

Phyllis: I almost quit my job so I could be closer to Bob, and we're in the same building.

Holly: Oh, well....look, we could always call, or email, or write. I should get all your email addresses.

Angela: Yes, we'll email you, and then you'll have our addresses.

Holly: [talking head] It's a little sad. Michael and I just started dating. He wants me to stay and get a job around here as a baker. Or a baker's helper.

Michael: [talking head] This is gonna be awesome. This is gonna be awesome. I've decided that on my drives to Nashua, I am going to learn French, the language of love. And on my drives back, I am going to learn Spanish; what the cleaning crew speaks.

Darryl: [talking head] I'm driving them up for five times what I would've made at work. I thought I made a good deal. [expression changes from smiling to downcast] Then I realized I'm gonna be trapped in a truck with Mike all day.

[ 05x06 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Michael: [playing cat's cradle with Holly] Okay, am I grabbing this one?

Holly: [chuckling] No, that's not what you're grabbing.

Michael: [laughs]

Holly: Put....okay....

Darryl: [driving truck] Hey, y'all are not gonna be playing these little private games all the way.

Holly: Sorry, Darryl.

Darryl: It's like Driving Miss Daisy, you know?

Holly: All right.

Darryl: You gotta include me in the conversation.

Michael: Fair enough.

Darryl: If you don't mind.

Michael: Okay, okay. What kind of car games did you play in the 'hood?

Darryl: I got a game. Cow surfing.

Michael: Cow surfing?

Darryl: Spot a cow, last person to say "Jackson Five" has to get on its back and ride it.

Michael: Really?

Holly: Were there even cows where you grew up?

Darryl: Everybody got a government cow.

Michael: Cow surfing. [spots a cow out the window] Okay, here we go, there's a cow.

Holly & Darryl: [in unison] Jackson Five!

Michael: Oh, sh**t! Okay. All right. All right. [throws up hands] Pull it over. Here we go.

Darryl: Here we go. Go get him, Mike!

Michael: [reaching to open door] I'm gonna do it.

Holly: [grabs Michael's arm] No, Michael. It's not a real game.

Darryl: Then why did you say "Jackson Five?"

Michael: The man has a point.

Holly: Darryl....

Darryl: All right, I made it up.

Michael: [visibly shocked] What? Why?

Darryl: Because I wanted you to like me.

Michael: [gasps] I do! Hey, come on!

Darryl: [trying not to laugh] Okay.

Michael: Jackson Five.

Holly & Michael: [both laugh hysterically at portable DVD player on dashboard while Darryl drives, looking miserable]

Darryl: [makes sudden sharp turn to the left, causing DVD player to fall out open window, then grins to camera]

Michael: [rubbing noses with Holly] You're the one.

Holly: No, you.

Michael: You are.

Holly: You are.

Michael: No, you are.

Holly: You are more.

Darryl: [rubs face in exasperation]

Michael: You're the best.

Holly: You're better.

Michael: You're better. You're better than my best.

Holly: You're better than betterest.

Holly: [plants kisses all over Michael's face]

Michael: Here we go.

Holly: Hold your breath!

Michael: Okay, Ready?

Darryl: [setting stopwatch] Go.

Michael & Holly: [both inhale deeply and lock lips while holding their breath]

Darryl: [looks to camera for several seconds] At least it's quiet.

Michael: Watch this. Darryl, watch this.

Holly: Look, Darryl, lip up.

Michael & Holly: [kiss each other while puffing their cheeks and mumbling]

Holly: Down, and give me 50!

Michael & Holly: [in unison while kissing with mouths closed] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!

Darryl: Hey, you know what would be fun? Like, sleeping.

Michael: Yeah

Darryl: You know.

Holly: [hugging Michael] Oh, snuggles!

Michael: Yeah. Right, snuggle time.

Holly: Snuggles.

Darryl: There you go.

Michael: [makes squeaking sounds]

Holly: Spooning.

Michael: Here's what I was thinking. The following weekend, I drive up.

Holly: Mmm hmm.

Michael: We get right in the car, we pop up to Montreal. It's like another seven hours.

Holly: Ooh!

Michael: Speak.

Holly: We could stay in a cozy B&B with a fireplace?

Michael: Absolutely. Oh, and you know what, Darryl? You are invited to go as well.

Darryl: Oh, thanks. Thanks. No.

Michael: Come on, it'll be fun.

Darryl: Thank you. Thank you. No.

Michael: [emerging from convenience store with two ice cream sundaes] Hey, look at that. Fun, right?

Holly: Mmm.

Michael: Mmm mmm! Remember the 15-scooper we had last week? Wasn't that good? I was Scooperman, you were Scoopy-Doo. Remember what you said? You were laughing.

Holly: Yeah.

Michael: Say what you said.

Holly: No, Michael. I don't....[mimicking Scooby-Doo] I'm gonna puke!

Michael: [laughs] I'll save you! I'm Superman! Scooperman!

Holly: Darryl didn't want any?

Michael: I didn't ask.

Michael: We want the same things.

Holly: I know, but from seven hours away.

Michael: That is a lucky number. Seven. 7-Up. Seven dwarfs.

Holly: Michael....

Michael: Seven deadly sins. It's a sign.

Darryl: Hey, y'all wanna hear some loud music or something?

Holly: I'm an atheist. Did you know that? I don't know your religion. There are so many conversations that we haven't even had yet.

Darryl: Hey, look, Pennsylvania license plate! That's crazy! All the way out here! Who can name all the states?

Michael: [standing with Holly next to "Welcome to New Hampshire" sign] Oh, it's really cold here.

Holly: Oh, it's just later.

Michael: Yeah.

Darryl: [holding camera] Here we go.

Michael: [starts to cry] Can we have another? I think I blinked.

Holly: [unlocking front door] This is me here.

Michael: Oh, you have your own entrance. That's nice.

Darryl: Stairs. Oh, man....

[ 05x06 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Angela: He's just trying to push your buttons.

Andy: I don't care, so it doesn't matter.

Angela: Great, then it doesn't matter.

Andy: You don't think he could get in, though....right? I mean, I don't care, but I just don't see how he could. I doubt he could get in.

Angela: [reverently] He is fiercely intelligent.

Andy: I don't care either way, so....shut up.

Angela: He's just....

Andy: [in parking lot on cell phone] Don't tell me to calm down, Dad! [grunts] Don't do that! Oh, God, of all people, I thought you would understand. You're an alum. This guy, he's....he's poking the bear! [listens briefly] Yeah, okay, I'll see you at Thanksgiving. Hi to Mom. Bye.

Angela: Why are you doing this to Andy?

Dwight: You once told me that Andy and I had different strengths. Well, he can't do what I can do. I can get into Cornell, but he doesn't know how to make food and shelter from a golden retriever.

Angela: [looks at Dwight disgustedly and sighs] Even if you do somehow get in, that's not going to make me leave Andy.

Dwight: No, but it'll make you respect him less.

Angela: [sighs] Yes, that's true.

Season 5 - Episode 07

"Customer Survey"

[ 05x07 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Meredith: Come on, how did you propose? Spill it. Were you wasted?

Michael: How did I propose, let me see... well, I drove her up to Nashua, and I had the ring, a big 10-carat diamond; it was beautiful. And I got down on my hands and knees, and a sh**ting star crossed overhead, and it just lit up the diamond like a sh**ting star. And we were in a restaurant, and I put the diamond into a cheeseburger.

Kevin & Andy: Ooooh.

Michael: And she took a bite, started to choke. So what do I do? I have CPR training. Go around, start doing the Heimlich.

Jim: Perfect.

Michael: The ring, 10-carat diamond, pops out of her mouth, hits her shrimp cocktail, right onto her finger. Million-to-one sh*t. All of the Greek people in the restaurant start screaming "Opa!" Which means "congratulations," so...

Andy: Oh, man!

Pam: [in Jim's ear] Ask how he's doing since the breakup.

Jim: So, how you holdin' up?

Michael: I'm pretty much devastated.

Pam: Ask if there's anything you can do.

Jim: You know what you should do? Take a vacation.

Michael: Maybe go to Sandals, Jamaica. Or the other Sandals, Jamaica. I just don't want to go by myself.

Pam: Tell him you'd like to go with him.

Jim: We should take a look at those surveys.

Michael: Why are surveys important? Okay, hypothetical[/b]: A man wants to buy 500 reams of....carrots. And, so he's like "What do I do? Where do I go? Do I go to the insensitive carrot supplier, the insensitive carrot salesman? Or do I go to the nice carrot salesman, who will maybe charge a few cents more per ream of carrot, but guarantee next-day delivery on your carrots? Most companies need their carrots the next day. Now, substitute paper for carrots, and that is why surveys are important."

[ 05x07 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Michael: Great marks, Phyllis. [Phyllis walks out of Michael's office smiling]

Phyllis: [to Stanley] Hey, I did good too!

Stanley: I knew it. Haha! [they high five]

Andy: [hand up, seeking a high five] Up! Don't leave me hangin'! [they do]

Dwight: What do I do with my bonus check? [scoffs] Simple. Purchase paper from myself. Boosts my sales, which boosts my bonus. Last year I bought even more paper to make this year's bonus even bigger. Eventually, I'll get a bonus so big I can retire on it. And I'll use the paper to write my memoirs.

Michael: I taught Jim and Dwight everything I know about sales. But there are certain things that cannot be taught, and it is these things that I now must teach them.

Michael: Attention, all problem sales persons. Jim Halpert... Dwight Schrute...

Dwight: [raises hand] Here.

Michael: Intensive one-on-one retraining will begin after lunch. That is all.

Andy: I am no longer the worst salesman in the office. Yes! [Andy gestures excitedly, knocking over his coffee mug] Ow! Dammit!

Jim: Dwight and I are both writing letters to our clients. I'm just sending a quick note to say how much I appreciate their business, and he is writing notarized letters to inform them them that lying on customer reviews is a prosecutable form of fraud and defamation. It's just... different styles.

Dwight: My job is to manipulate the customer into buying paper. In return, they give me money. I am the predator and they are the prey. Would a mouse give a positive review to a hawk? Should the hawk even care? [sighs heavily, nearly starts to cry] Excuse me, I've got work to do.

[ 05x07 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Stanley: [laughs heartily and passes a newspaper to Phyllis]

Phyllis: [laughing] It's good!

Dwight: Hey, what are you laughing at?

Stanley & Phyllis: [continue to laugh]

Dwight: Are you laughing at me?

Phyllis: We're laughing at this cartoon! [passes newspaper to Dwight]

Stanley: Perfect, isn't it?

Dwight: [looks at cartoon] How is that funny? What are you really laughing at? Huh?

Phyllis: Haven't you been following the news? Ther university is using its non-profit status to fund its private real estate investments.

Stanley: [laughing louder] And he really nailed them on it. Somebody's finally holding them accountable!

Dwight: [looking at cartoon] There's no way you're laughing at this.

Jim: [peering nervously through conference room window] Oh, I don't have anything to say. I'm just hiding from Dwight.

Dwight: [is seen taking apart his phone receiver to check for listening devices]

Dwight: It's good to be paranoid. People need to be more paranoid. Case in point, JFK. If I had been JFK, I would have seen all three g*n. I would have pulled out my concealed Luger and fired first. Man in book depository, BOOM! Grassy knoll, BOOM! Fake Jackie, BOOM! [pretends to kiss, then sh**t imaginary person to his left] Then I sh**t myself, so I don't change history and create a paradox. BOOM! But right at the last minute, [contorts head sideways] I twist out of the way of the b*llet. Nice try, history. Better luck next year.

Jim: So, as it turns out, Dwight is right. How bizarre.

Pam: [in Jim's ear] I wonder what else Dwight's been right about....

Dwight: Major pharmaceuticals do not want you to know that beet juice has medicinal value both as an aphrodisiac and a laxative.

Dwight: The Scranton Zoning Board has a strong bias against beet farmers. The mayor is in the pocket of Big Lettuce.

Dwight: Battlestar Galactica isn't a documentary exactly.

Dwight: The book All The President's Men is about a conspiracy, just not the one people think.

Dwight: Jesus had a daughter, and she was the Mona Lisa.

Dwight: What we have come to know as fake crab meat is in fact real crab meat, and real crab meat is lobster.

Season 5 - Episode 17

Lecture Circuit Part 2

[ 05x17 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Angela: As you may know, I am no longer in a relationships. It's been really stressful here. So, I decided to treat myself to one of God's most perfect creations...a beautiful new cat! It's tacky to talk about money. But she cost seven thousand dollars!

Kevin: [holds up cell phone showing video of Angela talking to her cats] For a rainy day. [laughs]

Season 5 - Episode 20

"New Boss"

[ 05x20 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Andy: I'm telling you, when corporate sends somebody, it is big trouble, or, really good news. And then sometimes it means business as usual.

Meredith: Ok, what do you think?

Oscar: Well, it's-

Andy: Why are you asking him? I just told you why he's here.

Creed: The real question here is who's this guy work for?

Oscar: Dunder Mifflin.

Creed: Ah, it's all starting to make sense now.

Season 5 - Episode 24

"Heavy Competition"

[ 05x24 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: He gives me leads and I take the leads from him and in exchange it makes him feel good. And if a friend can't make you feel good, then I don't want any friends. Except Dwight, because he is our only source of fertile leads.

Michael: Dwight just got Howard Family Dry Cleaners.

Ryan: Uncle Dave?

Michael: He's undercutting us big time. He's actually taking a loss and paying the difference out of pocket.

Ryan: That's my family. When you mess with my family, I can't be responsible for my actions.

Pam: When are you ever responsible for your actions?

Ryan: Get off my ass, you hag.

Michael: Hey, hey, hey. Something about that seems inappropriate.

Michael: Betrayal ain't just a river in Egypt.

[ 05x24 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Andy: Who is that knocking on my taste buds? Why, it's Mr. Lemon. Hmmm, nice to meet you.

Pam: It's good. But won't it feel weird cutting into a cross?

Andy: Don't think of it as a cross in the Judeo-Christian sense, think of it more as a symbol of your lives crossing in marriage.

Jim: When I think of it like that, I do not think of the other connotations.

Andy: Yes!

Pam: I don't think so, Andy.

Jim: Sorry. Her day.

Andy: Hey, bud.

Jim: Are they looking at me?

Andy: Who?

Jim: Everyone. Everyone just keeps looking at me.

Andy: Are you sure?

Jim: Will you just talk to them, please? Pam just knew!

Season 5 - Episode 27

"Cafe Disco"

[ 05x27 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Lynn: Hey, Kevin.

Kevin: Hi. Did you have bacon for breakfast?

Lynn: No.

Kevin: Oh...cause you smell like bacon.

Lynn: I didn't think I did. How's everything going?

Kevin: Tight. I'm going down the hall to this office to see Michael - there's free espressos.

Lynn: Oh.

Kevin: I would invite you but I remember that you just want to be friends.

Lynn: We can still...

Kevin: Are you sure that you didn't eat bacon?

Lynn: Yes.

Kevin: Oh. Whatever it is I like it. Bye.

Lynn: Yes, I had some bacon this morning. I just didn't think it was anyone's business.

Kevin: I love the smell of bacon on a woman.

Kevin: Hey, Lynn, it's Kevin. I was thinking about going and getting a coffee at the Cafe Disco, wondering if you want to go with. Bye. Angela, my stomach is really hurting.

Oscar: Just go down, Kevin.

[ 05x27 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Michael: My grandpa was the funnest guy I ever knew. He would sing. He would dance. He would....fall down. But then...he started going to these meetings and everything changed. He...stopped going out at night. He got a job. The fun just dried up. It was really sad. I don't want that to happen to you guys. I'm not gonna let it happen.

Stanley: How did I end up back in Crazytown?

[ 05x27 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Dwight: It is hard to imagine you playing softball.

Phyllis: I was all-county my junior and senior years.

Dwight: Oh yeah? Big deal. I once h*t three home runs against Little Flower Catholic.

Phyllis: The girls school?

Dwight: I played high school softball. Notice I didn't say "girls" high school softball. Not after the landmark case of Shrute vs. the Lackawanna County Board of Education.That was one case the Pennsylvania Supreme Court got right. I h*t the ball right over the protest banners.

[ 05x27 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Dwight: [sarcastically] Oh, no. I love Ohio. Next time you're there say "Hi" to my cousin Amel and then kick him in the groin area because he's a cheat and a ball hog. And if he's still married to Clarissa, kick her in the groin area, too. 'Cause she's a heart breaking tart...and a ball hog.
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