[South Park Elementary, day, Mrs. Garrison's classroom. Mr. Mackey is speaking to the class]

Mr. Mackey:	M'kay, kids, we have something very serious we need to discuss today, hm'kay? It appears that some kids are getting high by choking themselves. Some kids call it "The Choking Game," hm'kay but, but cholking yourself is bad. Hm'kay? Don-, don't do that. Hm'kay?

Kyle:	You can get high from choking yourself? [Kenny feels for his neck through his hood, then squeezes once he finds it]

Mr. Mackey:	Schoolchildren are often experimenting with dangerous ways to get high, hm'kay, like sniffin' glue, guzzlin' cough medicine, huffin' paint, hm'kay? But they're all bad. M'kay?

Butters:	Mm-my cousin's in Florida, and said kids in their school get high off of cat pee.

Cartman:	Cat pee? [Kenny lets up and then tries to choke himself again]

Stan:	That's not true. You can't get high off of cat urine, can you?

Mr. Mackey:	Well, it's a it's not actually cat urine, but male cats, when they're marking their territory, uh spread concentrated urine to fend off other male cats and... a-and that could get you really high. M'kay? Re-really reeeally high. Okay? [Kenny is trying really hard to choke himself] Probably shou-shouldn't have told you that just now. Hm'kay? Tha, that was probably bad.

[Cartman's house, day. The original four boys are there, gathered around the coffee table on which stands a frame holding a cat in a harness. Cartman is almost done with the cat]

Cartman:	All right, this should keep my cat in place while he spreads the urine. [Mr. Kitty meows] Yesss, poor Mr. Kitty, are you just so upset right now? [Mr. Kitty meows]

Kyle:	You guys are wasting your time.

Stan:	Yeah, this is not gonna work.

Cartman:	Okay, ready Kenny?

Kenny:	All set.

Cartman:	Ahright, bring out...! The other male cat. [Kyle walks to a pet carrier, opens the door, pulls out a brown striped cat, and places it on the coffee table opposite Mr. Kitty. The two cats meow at each other first, then growl at each other. After a short while, Mr. Kitty sh**t concentrated piss out his ass and Kenny gets it in the face.]

Kenny:	Ow.

Kyle:	Whoa! [Kenny staggers backwards. The other guys gather round him]

Stan:	Do you feel anything?

Cartman:	Well, Kenny? Are you buzzed? [Kenny's not responding. His mind is elsewhere...]

[Kenny's eyes are unfocused as his mind goes into an altered state. He seems to be going through space, then an acid trip, then both. Kenny descends into a Thunderbird fitted with rocket boosters and takes the wheel. He heads towards a desert planet and lands with a thud. He quickly shifts gears and peels away. He drives through the desert landscape until a curvaceous woman steps into his path. He stops. She wears a stylized cowboy hat and skimpy clothes. Kennyy motions over and lets her take the wheel. Kenny can't help but look at her breasts. They head towards a huge building with breast-shaped touches al overs. The woman steps out and walks towards the stairs, then enters the building. Kenny quickly follows suit. As they walk through the building a creature s*ab another one through the skull, k*lling him]

Kenny:	Hay cool! Check it out!

Father:	I see that you're enticed by my daughter's awesome rocking tits.

Kenny:	Yeahhh

Father:	Then bathe with my daughter in the fountain of Varnov. Appease the gods by lathering her boobs with soapy suds.

Kenny:	Okay. [follows her towards the fountain. At the fountain's edge, she undresses, then he beginsn to undress]

Cartman:	[through Kenny's hallucination] Kenny! Kenny, wake up! [In the middle of town, Cartman is stopping Kenny from disrobing any further] Wake up, Kenny! You all right?? Kenny!

Kenny:	What? [opens his eyes and looks around] What's the matter? [stands up and pulls up his pants.]

Cartman:	Dude, that cat urine really f*cked you up. You were seriously tripping balls.

Kenny:	You f*cking assh*le!

Cartman:	Agh Kenny! Knock it off! What's wrong with you? [Kenny begins to chew him out and punch him a few times] Ah, Kenny! [Stan and Kyle come up to restrain Kenny]

Kyle:	Dude! Dude, Kenny, calm down!

Kenny:	[walks away from them a bit] How can I calm down? You should've seen those titties.

Stan:	What titties?

Kenny:	[turns around] The titties! On a ...

Kyle:	Kenny, all you did after the cat peed in your face was start running around in circles cheering.

Stan:	Yeah, and then you ran through town screaming and then started tearing off all your clothes.

Kenny:	I must... touch them.

Kyle:	Dude, I don't think we should be messin' around with that crap anymore.

[The Broflovski house, living room. Gerald walks in, grabs the remote from the sofa, turns on the TV, and sits down to watch]

Announcer:	Next on FOX News! [SPECIAL REPORT: FOX NEWS] It's the newest drug craze. and it's k*lling your kids! ["k*lling your kids" appears over scenes of kids falling over]

Gerald:	k*lling our kids? [leans forward]

Reporter:	All over America, kids are getting high... on cat urine! [two women have their cats face off, and one of them gets concentrated urine on her face. She laughs] Huffing cat urine apparently causes a euphoric state [the affected woman moved her arms up and open, then freezes as her eyes get unfocused] and is also referred to as... cheesing. [Letters cut out into cheese shapes appear: "CHEESING." Cut to the front of J. Brown Elementary School, day. "Have a good day, Students"] Why "cheesing?" Because it's "fon to due." [the words appear onscreen. Cut to a girl's silhouette] This sixth grade girl said she's been snorting cat piss for several months.

Girl:	[in a deep, electronically-altered voice] We sometimes sneak out during recess and a friend named _________ goes and gets her cats, and we'll just cheese all day long.

Gerald:	Oh my God! Sheila! Come look at this!

Reporter:	So how can you tell if your child is cheesing? [some graphics begin to appear] 1. Your child seems distant, preoccupied. 2. Your child's face smells like cat urine. 3. When you see tigers at the zoo, your child starts grinding his or her teeth. You might also notice by certain phrases your child says to school friends, such as "Hey, lete's go cheese." or "Do you feel like cheesing, guys?" or "Dude, I'm cheesing my F-ing brains out right now."

Sheila:	[now standing next to Gerald] Kids are doing this??

Reporter:	Kids do it because it's legal. [a teen boy looks at the camera with a fierce face. A skull and crossbones appear over it] What can you do before it's too late?? [a picture of a cat switches with its negative for a strobe effect a few times, then ends with the negative and a meow]

Gerald:	We have to protect our children from this, Sheila.

[Town meeting, next day. On stage are Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria, Mayor McDaniels, Gerald (at the podium), Sheila, and Officer Barbrady]

Gerald:	Twenty percent of American students aged six to twelve say they have tried cheesing at least once. Kids also refer to it as "the cheese game," or "vitamin cheese," or "Mary Jane piss in your face fun time." Cheesing is spreading fast.

Sharon:	[stands up] Alright, we're all sufficiently scared, Gerald, but what could we do?

Gerald:	I have written up a bill that would make having a cat illegal in the city of South Park.

Steven:	[stands up] Gerald's right. We all have to face it. Cats are deadly animals! If you stick your nose up their crotch and snort their piss, they can k*ll you!

Gerald:	With my super lawyer powers, we can rid our town of cats, so that our kids never get high again!

Randy:	[stands up again] Let's hear it for Gerald!

Steven:	[stands up again] Hooray for Gerald! [the rest of the audience begins to cheer and argue]

[The neighborhood. Black vans arrive and DEA agents jump out of them. The agents enter people's houses and confiscate any cats found there. Soeme agents take away a small boy's cat. Bebe loses her cat Thumper to a pet carrier. A kindergartner in her sandbox cries as an agent grabs her cat out of her hands]

Girl 1:	No! No!

Agent 1:	Oh wah wah! Get over it, druggie. [walks off with the cat] Jeez... [Two other agents leave another house with a cat]

Girl 2's Father:	Goodbye, Scrambles. [his daughter cries into he left pant leg] We'll miss you. [nearby, the cats are tossed into the DEA vans and taken away]

[Kenny's house, night. He's about to cheese when two agents break in and confiscate the two cats he has there]

Agent 2:	[voice only] Got two here.

Kenny:	Hey! What the hell are you doing?!

Agent 1:	Sorry, these are illegal.

Kenny:	What?! Hey! Give them back! [the agents toss the cats into the van] Give them back!! [the van drives off.]

[Cartman's house. Three agents comb the living room]

Cartman:	Look, I told you, I had a cat. But I had it put to sleep 'cause it pissed me off. [the agents soon leave, and Cartman walks up to the dim attic with a small book] Shh. Mr. Kitty, you have to live in the attic for now. [drops the book in front of the cat] Here. Write a diary.

[South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Butters stands around while Cartman and Stan visit their lockers. Kyle walks up to them.]

Kyle:	Guys, have you seen Kenny?

Stan:	Nah, I think Kenny's out sick today.

Kyle:	Yeah, and he was out sick yesterday too. Guys... [Cartman and Stan turn to listen] I think Kenny isn't here because he's at home cheesing.

Butters:	Waww come one. Uh-Kenny knows how dangerous cheesing is.

Stan:	Yeah, and where is he gonna find cats anyway? They've been outlawed.

Cartman:	Yeah, who has cats these days? [laughs nervously]

Kyle:	Pot's illegal too, but people still manage to find it. Ever since that first time Kenny cheesed, he hasn't been the same. You've all noticed the change in him. I'll bet Kenny's a t home cheesing right now.

[Kenny's hallucination. He's back in the alternate world, this time riding a giant bird, but the landscape is the same - breast shapes are everywhere. Kenny sees the woman from his first trip, but now she's strapped onto a rack and is being whipped by three burly men. These men are mutants with four breasts instead of two, and two more breasts on their shoulders. Kenny gets pissed at her treatment. She sees him fly by. Kenny lands and hops off the bird, finds a metal spear nearby, and lauches it. It strikes the red-shirted mutant man through the neck and out the sternum, k*lling him. Kenny then runs to the woman, but stops short. She winks at him and he sets her free. They both ride on the giant bird, with the woman's boobs riding on Kenny's head]

Kenny:	Woohoohoo! Woooohoooo! Woooohoohoo!

[Kenny's house. Kyle, Stan, and Butters stand outside his door. Kyle pounds at the door.]

Kyle:	Kenny? [pounds three more times]

Stan:	Kenny, you home? [Kenny screams some more. Alarmed, the boys open the door and enter the house. They see that Kenny was indeed cheesing. Two cats look back at them. One of them is black]

Kenny:	[really high] Wooooo. Look at me! Look at me! [the black cat runs out]

Kyle:	Kenny!

Kenny:	[still makingn flying motions] Lookkk at me! Wooooooo!

Butters:	Whoa boy, he's cheesed out of his mind! [Kenny flutters some more, stops, and passes out, falling to the floor]

Stan, Kyle:	Kenny!

[Moments later, Kenny is at the dining room table. A lock of his hair peeks out from under his hood. Butters has prepared a cup and gives it to him. Stan and Kyle stand nearby]

Butters:	There you go. Wuh try some coffee, Ken.

Kenny:	Hunf. Hrrrr.

Kyle:	Kenny, we need to have a serious talk.

Kenny:	No we don't, guys.

Stan:	Yes, we do. We're your friends, dude. We're not gonna let you ruin your life.

Kenny:	I'm not ruining my life, okay, you Goddamned f*cking psychos.

Kyle:	Look at yourself! You've got to lay off the cheese! [abruptly, Kenny vomits, stops, then vomits again. Some of it gets on Butters' face and shirt.]

Butters:	Yeah, that's it little buddy. Just let it out.

Stan:	Kenny, I know we're super-cool and everything, but if we ever catch you cheesing again, we're gonna tell on you.

Kenny:	[exhausted] Eh okay, okay, I just wanna sleep now.

Butters:	Yeah, he needs some sleepy night-night, doesn't he, buddy?

Kyle:	[grabs the other cat as it walks up to him] We've gotta keep this away from him.

[Cartman's house, night, Cartman's room. He's asleep. A cat meows and awakens him]

Cartman:	[sits up] Mittle Kitty, shhh! [Mr. Kitty meows again] Damnit! [gets up and leaves the bed. A small door to the attic opens and Cartman pops in with a candle. Mr. Kitty is nearby] Shhh, Mittle Kitty you have to be quiet, or else they're gonna find you. [Mr. Kitty goes to a window and meows. Cartman follows him to the window] What?! [looks out a half-moon window] It's the neighbor cat. He hasn't been caught yet. [Mr. Kitty meows] No- no, Mr. Kitty. I know you like Rufus, but he has to fend for himself. [Mr. Kitty meows] I can't hide anymore cats, Mr. Kitty. [crosses his arms]I'm in trouble enough as it is. [Mr. Kitty paws at Cartman] All right, all right, fine. [heads to the attic door and goes downstaris, closing the door behind him]

[Cartman's house, outside. Cartman appears around a corner dressed in overcoat and fedora]

Cartman:	[whispers and motions]All right. Come on, Rufus. Quietly. [two kittens walk up next to Rufus] Oh jeez, no, no, I can't hide you all. [they all look at him in a needy way] I'm sorry, you'll just have to find somewhere else to- [the cats lower their head further while focusing on Cartman] Well, I suppose I'll get in just as much trouble for four cats as for two. Come on. [turns and leaves]

[Kyle's house, day, Kyle's room. Sheila enters with dry clothes, walks to Kyle's dresser, and starts putting his clothes away. After putting away a pair of briefs she spots a cat hidden between his shirts and his briefs]

Sheila:	Huh? [removes the clothes from the cat] Oh my God... [moments later she's downstairs standing next to Gerald.]

Gerald:	Kyle! Kyle, can we talk to you for a minute, please??

Kyle:	[walks up to them] Yeah?

Gerald:	Kyle, have you been getting high?!

Kyle:	[shrugs] No.

Gerald:	Then why did your mother find this [holds up a bag of contraband - the cat] in your dresser drawer?!

Kyle:	[holds his hands out in denial] All right, look, th-that isn't mine. I'm just holding it for a friend.

Sheila:	[pointing] Don't lie to us, Kyle?!

Gerald:	How long have you been on the cheese?!

Kyle:	I'm not cheesing. I've never cheesed once in my life.

Gerald:	Get up to your room right now until your mother and I figure out how to deal with this!

Kyle:	Dad, will you just listen to me for a second?

Gerald:	NOW, KYLE!

Kyle:	God!! [goes upstairs]

Sheila:	Gerald, what are we gonna do? [Gerald moves forward holding up the cat in the bag] Our son is a cat pee addict.

Gerald:	First thingn is we've gotta dispose of this!

Sheila:	What are you gonna do?

Gerald:	I'd better just... take it down to the basement for now, m-make sure Kyle can't find it. [heads off]

[The basement. The door opens and Gerald enters. He locks the door and goes down a few steps, then looks at the cat.]

Kyle:	[showing a weakness of some sort] No. No, what am I thinking? I shouldn't do this. [continues heading to the basement floor]I've been clean for ten... years. I haven't even been near a cat. [getting dramatic] But then that report said our kids were doing it too, and... and I knew Kyle would have the same sicknesses I used to have... Now a cat is in our home, and it's too tempting. [moves offscreen. Another camera shows him approaching a contraption similar to the one Cartman made, but this one has a movie projector and screen. He takes the cat out of the bag and straps it into the contraption] I... I'll just do it one more time. [ties the cat's tail to the roof of the contraption's frame so there's no obstruction] One. Last. Time. [unfurls the screen] Then I'll call the police; have them pick up the cat. [moves a large empty box aside] And then I'll never do it again. [kneels down at the table and grabs the projector's trigger] After this one... last... time... [click. The projector begins to roll and a cat appears onscreen. The cat in the harness gets excited and begins to snarl. It finally squirts and Gerald stumbles backward a bit. He walks backward and freezes, his eyes unfocused]

[Gerald's hallucination. He enters the same alternate universe Kenny has been in, but he's flying a B-17 b*mb called Jewish Princess. He's a happy pilot, and he lands on the same desert planet Kenny landed on earlier. He gets off the plane and walks foaward. The same woman who greeted Kenny greets him]

Gerald:	I couldn't stay away. [Hm, he's seen her before... ten years ago, at least.] Curse your rockin' tits!

[Cartman's house, day. The doorbell rings. Cartman rushes to answer it.]

Cartman:	Who is it?!

Woman:	[with a foreign accent] Please! Open the doorrr. [he opens the door, and a middle-aged woman stands before him] They say you are hiding cats.

Cartman:	[quickly looks both ways] Hiding cats? [nervously] Why, that would be illegal. [backs into the living room]

Woman:	[enters] You don't understand [kneels] My little Nishka [produces the cat] She has nowhere else to go.

Cartman:	Oh ohno no, I cannot possibly take in another.

Woman:	But they will find him.

Cartman:	I've already taken in the Andersons' cats, and the Willinskys'. There's simply nothingn else I can- [his weakness comes through as the cat gazes at him] Then again... perhaps I could find space for just this one more...

Woman:	[walks in and gives him Nishka] Oh, you show such kindness in such darkest of times. [begins to sob. Cartman soon joins her]

[Cartman's attic - er, secret annex. Cartman opens the door and is about to drop Nishka in when something surprises him]

Cartman:	What the hell?? [Kenny has somehow found out about the cats and is squeezing them to get cheesed. His face and parka are full of concentrated piss, and he can't wait for more. He grabs anotherr cat and cheezes some more] Kenny, get out of here! [Kenny whoops and dances out of the attic.] Aw, fa- Kenny! [Cartman begins to follow him down, but stops long enough to say] Bad. Kitties.

[Kyle's room, day. He's moping around when the doorbell rings]

Kyle:	Dad! Somebody's at the front door! [the doorbell rings twice and Kyle goes to his room door] Well am I grounded or not?! [the doorbell rings three times] Ugh. Fine! I'll get it! [walks out of his room and heads to the front door, then opens it]

Stan:	Dude, we've got a big problem. Cartman says Kenny is reeally messed up.

Cartman:	He's cheesing his f*cking balls off, dude.

Kyle:	[quizzically] What??

Stan:	He apparently got to all the cats Cartman's been hiding in his attic.

Kyle:	What are you doing with cats in your attic, fatass?!

Cartman:	They're innocent victims in this, Kyle! They have to hide or they'll be put to death! Something you just can't understand! [crosses his arms and looks away. Kyle looks angriily at Cartman]

Stan:	Come on, we've gotta find Kenny before he hurts himself.

Kyle:	I can't. My dad grounded me. [rrealizes that he could leave] Wait a minute: where is my dad?

[The huge Steamline building the scantily clad woman led Kenny into before. This time, she leads Gerald in.]

Gerald:	Hey everybody. Good to see you again. [Gerald and the woman head for the fountain so he could suds her up. They both start undressing.]

Father:	Hold! You cannot yet caress my daughter's awesome boobage!

Gerald:	Huh... how come?

Father:	There is... another suitor. [Kenny walks into view]

Gerald:	What? [sees who it is] Get out of here, kid!

Kenny:	Hey! [mumbles something, but makes it clear Gerald should be the one leaving.]

Gerald:	You're too young for this stuff!

Father:	This must be decided at the Brestriary in Nippopolis! [the woman hids her privates, her father's arm blocks a full view of her breasts]

[The Breastriary. It's built like the Colosseum in Rome, but each level has a different design... made of concrete breasts. The interior too is made of breast-shaped pieces, including a magnificent entrance made of ten massive breasts]

Father:	Now fight for the Loc-Nar trophy! [the camera pans down and left to reveal a golden trophy made of two female statuettes kneeling back to back and holding their arms out. The woman places her breasts on their hands so it looks like the actual trophy is her breasts.]

[The Breastriary floor. Kenny and Gerald face off in a joust on giant ostriches - who also have big breasts. Their lances have protective tips made of... a giant breast for each lance. The rivals hold their lances up, bring them down, and charge at each other. They knock each other off the ostriches and the crowd roars. The father, emperor of this place, sits down to enjoy the match. Kenny grabs a sword with a hilt made of... a pair of breasts. Gerald grabs a breast-shaped shield and a battle ax with a normal blade on one side and a pair of breasts on the other. They are evenly matched, as neither can gain an advantage over the other.]

[A sand box in a city park, day. Gerald and Kenny are fighting in it, oblivious to the crowd gathering around them. They grunt and punch each other. Kyle, Stan, and Cartman show up and Kyle spots Gerald]

Kyle:	Dad?? Dad! What the hell are you doing?!

Jimbo:	They've been goin' at it for a good thirty minutes.

Gerald:	She's mine, you little assh*le!

Kenny:	Whoopdie f*cking hoo!

Sheila:	[arriving] Gerald???

[A news report. A Channel 4 news reporter stands by]

Reporter:	The key proponent of the cat ban has been charged with cheesing in a public park. Gerald Broflovski is prepared to give a public statement.

Gerald:	I would like to address a personal matter: I have let myself down. And I would first like to apologize to my lovely wife.

Sheila:	Don't touch me.

Gerald:	And to the people of South Park. [a sh*t of the town square and its citizens] I was wrong, and I can't let cats take the fall anymore. It's our fault. The people who use cats for their sweet urine. [Kenny looks down in shame] We have to learn that cheesing just isn't worth it. Sure, you get to fight in the Breastriary, and swim in the fountains of Varnov with the itty titty fairies of Mammary Mountain.

Stan:	[puzzled] What the hell is he talking about?

Kyle:	[eyes closed] I have no idea.

Gerald:	And then you fight the boob goblin in the gazongas cave, and then the girl may thank you for it. But she. Isn't. Real.

Randy:	And you never really get a good look at her naked boobs anyway. [Sharon glares at him.]

Gerald:	Problem is, the more you go into that world, the more you need to go. Until you start bl*wing off all the real people who care about you. [Kenny looks down again]

Kenny:	Yeah. I guess so.

Gerald:	Cats aren't the problem. We made cats illegal and and then I cheesed for the first time in ten years. And kids are always gonna find a new wway to get high. Like sniffing gloe or licking toads, or fermenting feces or huffing paint. You can also look at-

Steven:	[cupping Butters' ears so Butters can't hear anything] Uh okay, that's probably good, Gerald.

Gerald:	The point is I was wrong. It's time to legalize cats! [grins wide, then begins to cheer] Heh yeah! Horray for Gerald! Eh let's hear it for Gerald! [nobody moves a muscle]

[South Park, day. The camera drops down and focuses on Scrambles' house. The DEA agents return and givel Scrambles back to his family]

Girl 2's Father:	Scrambles! So good to have you back! You ain't sore at us, are ya? [Scrambles growls, then scratches the father all over his head. His frightened wife and daughter leave him alone] Ahh! Get him off! [the boys, standing across the street, turn around]

Stan:	I'm sure glad that's over with. [the boys turn left and walk away]

Kenny:	Meee too.

Cartman:	But you know, we've all learned something, you guys. We can never persecute living beings and force them into hiding. It's wrong. [a few seconds later, Kyle stops]

Kyle:	[cross] And you don't see any parallel between that and anything else in history?

Cartman:	[strokes his chin] Mmmmmmmmmm nope. I have no idea what you're talking about, Kyle.

Stan:	You guys! Check it out. [smiles] It's Kenny. [Kenny has crossed the street to reach a flower patch. He picks one out and inhales deeply] Isn't that great? He's just getting high on life.

Kyle:	Yeah. [Kenny beginsn to grab more flowers with gusto to get more of their aroma. The other boys get worried] He's getting... really high on life. [Kenny beginsn to snort and grabs all the flowers he can, treating them just as he did the cats earlier.]

Cartman:	Dude, he's getting super-wated on life.

Kyle:	[runs to Kenny] Kenny! [Stan and Cartman follow. Kenny goes into spasms and then freezes, his eyes unfocused]

Stan:	What the hell kind of flowers are those?

Kyle:	Kenny? Kenny?!

[Kenny is back in the world of his hallucination, back in the modified Thunderbird. He's flying through space with the sexy woman at the wheel. Every planet and moon looks like a breast or pair of breasts. The Thunderbird goes into warp and disappears.]

[End of Major Boobage.]
{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "12x03 - Major Boobage"}