Chief: Hey, Chet.

Chet: Oh, hey, Chief.

Chief: You know, I've been meaning to ask you, what do you do in your spare time?

Chet: Oh, I like to build immersive Halloween mazes for the neighborhood kids.

Chief: Oh.

5.08 - Spoiler Alert: Owen Gets a Perm

Owen: You know, according to Omni Magazine, it's only a matter of time before they shrink us down to microscopic size and we can perform surgery from the inside.

Cat: Owen, wake up and smell the program.

Everything's already been invented.

Owen: Maybe you're right.

Cat: [ Gasps ] Oh, God! Your hair!

What the hell?

Chief: Oh, God.

When did that happen?

Owen: Oh, my new perm.

It's pretty powerful, right?

Cat: No, no, no.

You do not get to do that.

I mean, why would a man do such a thing to his hair?

Chief: I know. It's arrogant.

Cat: Thank you.

Blake: What are we talking about?

Cat: Owen's got a new look.

It's atrocious. Wait till you see it.

Chief: Spoiler alert... it's a perm.

Blake: Right, right, right.

Oh, because... Owen's spoiled.

Like, he's a spoiled brat, and that's why he got a perm.

[ Laughing ]

[ Sighs ]

Cat: You don't know what "spoiler alert" means, do you?

Blake: Of course I do. I know all the current expressions, and I know how to use them, and I can communicate just like you guys. Watch.

"Mm. That's too much information... on this."

Chief: God, I hate Owen.

Let's punish him.

Cat: I have an idea, but it involves a staggering commitment of time and resources far out of proportion to the problem at hand.

Chief: I'm in! What's the idea?

Cat: Weren't you telling me that Chet likes to design immersive Halloween mazes for neighborhood kids or something?

Chief: [ Gasps ]

Blake: Mm.

Hey, Glenn.

Glad I caught you.

Listen, I got this bilateral craniotomy this afternoon, and I'm like, "Don't go there."

Will you do it for me?

Glenn: That's a tough procedure, Blake.

Blake: Well, yeah, but not for you.

I mean, you're the best.

[ Both laugh ]

Glenn: Blake, I... I... I...

I can't lie anymore.

I'm not the best.

I'm not even the good.

Blake: Oh.

Oh, okay.

Uh, I'm... I'm... I'm listening to you.

You can tell that because I'm making eye contact with you and I'm nodding.

Glenn: Blake, I'm gonna tell you a secret.

And I know I can trust you because you're probably not listening to me.

I'm a terrible surgeon. That's the truth.

The real surgeon is Chilli, my pet mouse who lives underneath my yarmulke.

By pulling on my hair, he guides my hands.

Blake: Like the movie "Ratatouille"?

Glenn: That's right. Exactly like that.

Exactly like the movie "Ratatouille."

Blake: Glenn, that mouse is d*ad.

Glenn: What?

Oh, my God!

Chilli! No!

Blake: Spoiler alert?

Chief: This kid's in bad shape.

We're gonna need to do something... experimental.

Cat: Are you suggesting we try the prototype micro-miniaturization machine?

We're gonna need a doctor to be our micronaut.

Chief: And it can't be me because of the high levels of cocaine in my system.

Owen: Excuse me.

If I heard you correctly, we have a machine that can shrink a man down and insert him into the human body?

Chief: That's right.

Thanks to a grant from Omni Magazine.

Owen: Omni? They're the best.

Cat: With Omni, science fiction can become science fact.

I know this because I read it while on the toilet.

Chief: But we don't have a volunteer. Oh!

Owen: I know someone.

Both: Who?

Owen: He's 6'2" with the looks of a Greg Kinnear type, and his name is me...

Dr. Owen Maestro.

Dori: Oh, my God!

Your perm!

Oh, my God!

[ Glass shatters ]

Oh, my God!

[ Screaming, crashing ]

Hey! What are you doing?!

Dori: Get out of the car!

[ Car door slams, tires screech ]

[ Tires screech, crashing ]

[ Chicken clucks ]

Cat: Okay, I need to warn you.

This whole experience is gonna be very, very painful and very, very embarrassing.

Are you ready?

Owen: Yes, I am.

Cat: In order for us to shrink you down and inject you into this little boy, we're gonna need to sandpaper your skin.

Owen: Why?

Chief: d*ad skin cells slow down the miniaturization process.

You read Omni, right?

Owen: Of course.

Aah! Such intense pain!

It's so embarrassing!

It's just as you described!

Chief: Next, you have to eat this entire stick of unsalted butter.

Owen: [ Groans, gags ]

All of it?

Chief: All of it!

Cat: This is so great!

Chief: I'm having such a good time with you right now.

Hey, are you on Google Plus?

Chet: Once he finishes the unsalted butter, we will send him on an immersive journey through the "human body."

Cat: Do you think he'll buy it?

Chet: I've been building haunted houses in my basement for neighborhood kids every Halloween for the past three years.

I think I've picked up a few tricks along the way.

Glenn: Chilli, you were... you were a good mouse and an even better surgeon.

Take care of yourself, little buddy.

[ Breathes deeply ]

Blake, is there anything you'd like to say?

Blake: That's what she said.

Glenn: I need to head back and write my letter of resignation, so...

Blake: I'm not gonna go with you.

I want to... I want to stay out here.

Glenn: Why?

Blake: I'm better off living in the woods, okay?

I just don't fit in up there.

[ Breathes deeply ]

I don't know.

I mean... What do you think?

Glenn: Oh.

That sounds about right.

I'll see you around.

Chet: In a few moments, we'll start the shrinking process.

Owen: Let's make history.

Chet: Step into the miniaturization pod.

Owen: Almost reminds me of a prop from an immersive Halloween maze.

Chet: Oh, are you into that sort of thing?

Chief: Chet, calm down!

Chet: Initiating miniaturization.

Mr. Winslow, you're on.

[ Imitates energy noises ]

Owen: Whoa. Whoa!

Uh-oh! Whoa! Whoa!

Something's happening!

I-I'm being shaken around a little bit.

Whoa!

I-I-I think I'm being shrunk down!

[ Electricity crackles ]

Aah!

That feels like a very painful electric shock!

Chet: Okay. The miniaturization process is now complete.

We are now injecting you into the patient's bloodstream.

Owen: Ohh!

Close the curtains!

Owen: Oh, my God.

It's breathtaking.

I have made my way to the carotid artery.

[ Imitating heart beating ]

Owen: I can actually hear the beating of the human heart.

I need to figure out what I'm gonna wear to the Nobel Prize ceremony.

Chief: [ Laughs ]

Oh! I can't remember the last time I had this much fun.

You're really special.

Cat: This is fun, yeah.

Chief: Yeah.

Chet: Okay, my readings indicate that you're in a pure-air environment.

Owen, you can take off your helmet if you want to.

Owen: [ Breathes deeply ]

This is exactly what I always imagined the inside of a young boy would smell like.

Chief: Heads up, Owen.

The patient just took a sip of scalding hot tea.

Now!

Owen: [ Screams ]

My perm!

And my flesh!

Why would the patient be drinking tea right now?!

Chet: [ Hisses ]

Owen: [ Screams ]

Chief: Chet!

Cat: Uh, what's he doing?

Owen: The patient has Draculas!

I am terrified right now!

Abort the procedure!

Code red!

Code red!

[ Shouts, body thuds ]

Cat: Oh, dear.

Chief: Oh, God. Oh, no. Uh-oh.

Cat: Okay. Just... Okay.

Owen!

Chief: Oh, God. He's in stage-four cardiac arrest.

He needs to go to surgery, now!

Prep the O.R.!

Owen: I want...Glenn.

He's the best.

[ Echoing ] Glenn's the best.

Glenn: "I, Dr. Glenn Richie, hereby resign due to the fact that I have no ability to perform surgery."

Cat: Glenn, there's an emergency!

Chief will explain!

Chief: Owen's had a heart att*ck!

He's requested you!

Glenn: No, I won't do it.

I can't do it.

Blake: Yes, you can.

I was in the woods, and it all became clear to me.

Your mouse has been d*ad for weeks. Look.

Glenn: You're right.

Chilli has been d*ad for weeks.

Blake: I wrote it down.

Glenn: You wrote it down.

I've been performing so many surgeries, I...

I must've forgotten to feed him.

Wait. That means... that I performed all those surgeries... by myself.

Chief: Exactly.

Those skills were always in you.

You just need to learn to do it without the mouse.

Glenn: Let's scrub up.

[ Monitors beeping ]

Glenn: And we're closed.

[ Applause ]

[ Chuckles ]

Chief: You did it again, Glenn.

You are still very much our best surgeon.

Glenn: Well, this time, I had a little help.

Ah-ah!

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

[Laughs]

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah...Ah.

Not from my d*ad mouse... but from a very live human being.

Blake, I'm proud to call you my friend.

Chief: And I have really enjoyed this day that you and I have had together, Cat.

Cat: I feel like you're pushing it just a tiny bit now.

Chief: Fair enough.

Owen: And I owe you all an apology.

It was wrong of me to get a new hairstyle.

Cat: Yeah.

Owen: And I totally understand how it was necessary for you guys to go to the lengths you did to show that to me.

Anything less than a totally immersive human body experience, I probably wouldn't have gotten the message.

Chet: Look, I've been making these things since 2010, so I think I have some idea of what I'm doing.

[ Laughter ]

Glenn: Blake, you want to join us at the noodle house tonight?

Blake: Spoiler alert... I'll be there.

[ Laughter ]

Glenn: What a perfect phrase for the situation.

Blake: Spoiler alert...

I'll be there.

[ Breathes deeply ]

I'll be there.

Glenn: Hmm?

Blake: I'll be there.

Glenn: What?

Blake: I'll be there.

I have to get out of this one thing.

If I can't, I will still try and make an appearance.

[ Imitates static ] And now the news.

[ Imitates static ]

Big light in sky... [ Imitates static ]

Scalding hot water on young... [ Imitates static ]

And now a commercial.

Mm-mmm.

Oh, yeah, baby. It's all about lo...
{"type": "series", "show": "Childrens Hospital", "episode": "05x08 - Spoiler Alert: Owen Gets a Perm"}