Previously on Lucifer...

MAZE: You're the Lord of Hell, for crying out loud.

LUCIFER: I'm retired, Maze. I've got nothing but time.

CHLOE: How could you possibly help me?

LUCIFER: I have the ability to draw out people's forbidden desires.

CHLOE: I got it. The name, the whole Lucifer thing, and desire's like your superpower.

LUCIFER: It's more like a gift from God, really.

CHLOE: I saw Lucifer do some things that I can't explain.

TRIXIE: Is Lucifer a magician?

CHLOE: That's sort of what I'm trying to figure out.

AMENADIEL: You were once the brightest of all of God's angels. And now, your time here on Earth is affecting you, dear brother. You're changing.

LUCIFER: My life is change.

What are you doing here?

LUCIFER: Ooh, how's your ex? Detective Douche?

LINDA: You like working with the detective, don't you?

LUCIFER: I told you, I'm good at punishing people. Nay, I'm the best at punishing bad people.

LINDA: Yeah, well, I think you don't just enjoy punishing the bad guys. I think you're starting to like seeking justice for the good ones.

♪ ♪

♪ The trees stood like knives ♪

♪ And claimed us for their own ♪

♪ I'm sold down the river ♪

♪ Before I knew I had enough ♪

♪ Before I knew ♪

(g*n)

♪ I'd sink deeper ♪

♪ Than where you'll stop... ♪

(grunting)

He's the Devil!

He's the Devil!

♪ Stop ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Stop ♪

♪ Stop, stop, stop. ♪

(clattering)

♪ ♪

(thump)

(gasps)

CHLOE: Lucifer?

LUCIFER: Well, good morning, Detective.

CHLOE: What the hell are you doing here?

LUCIFER: Setting the table.

CHLOE: You broke into my house?

LUCIFER: Yes, well, I hope you don't mind, but I made a little brekkie. You were taking forever in the shower. What do you do in there?

CHLOE: You are unbelievable!

LUCIFER: Oh, thank you, but it's you who should take the compliment. Really kept things up since Hot Tub High School, haven't we? Ding-dong.

CHLOE: (sighs) I want to sh**t you.

LUCIFER: Tease. Do it. I'm immortal, remember? Uh, do you have any truffle oil?

CHLOE: Lucifer, get out of my house now.

LUCIFER: We haven't eaten yet.

CHLOE: Out.

LUCIFER: Well, don't we need to discuss the next case?

CHLOE: There is no next case.

LUCIFER: What?

CHLOE: Out.

We're already late, so let's go.

Lucifer!

Yeah.

DAN: What in God's name are you doing here?

LUCIFER: Nothing in his name. Here on my own, actually.

Beatrice: Did you and Mommy have a sleepover?

CHLOE:  No. No. Absolutely not, no.What are you guys doing here anyway?

DAN:She left her bird report here.

Beatrice: Want to see?

LUCIFER: Um, not really. Here, have a snack, child.

DAN:Are you sleeping with this idiot?

LUCIFER: She hasn't had the pleasure, unfortunately, no.

CHLOE: Okay, everybody out. Trixie has to get to school. I got to get to work. Come on, out, please.

LUCIFER: No, no, no, no, no, you can't throw me out again.

DAN: Again? So this is a habit.

LUCIFER: Yes, shocking, isn't it?

DAN: No.

LUCIFER: Never been thrown out of anywhere before in my life. Well, except for Heaven, of course. Fine, fine, fine, fine. But somebody please flip the omelet if it's not already ruined.

CHLOE: Hey, Dan, I'm...

DAN: Really, Chloe? I'm disappointed in you.

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Black is the Devil, dark is the night... ♪

LUCIFER: Good. Right, you're here. Um, I need to chat.

LINDA: Lucifer, we don't have an appointment.

LUCIFER: Something very disturbing's just happened. It's horrific, really. Uh, for the second time, I've been thrown out of a woman's house.

LINDA: Okay, sorry, uh, Lu...

LUCIFER: I mean, I'm starting to wonder if the detective has some sort of biological dysfunction.

LINDA: Lucifer.

LUCIFER: 'Cause, I mean, I appeal to the virile urge in all women.

LUCIFER: Certainly, well, certainly you can attest to that, can't you?

LINDA: Uh, Lucifer, stop.

LUCIFER: Yes, of course, sorry. Payment first.

LINDA: Uh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. No! No!

LUCIFER: Hmm?

LINDA: Lucifer, this is George. George, Lucifer. Lucifer, George.

LUCIFER: (chuckles softly) Oops.

CHLOE: Dan, if you're here to scold me...

DAN: No. I just got off the phone with the lieutenant. There's a case.

LINDSAY: Day four. Down to three meat sticks, a half a bottle of water, 217 miles to L.A. I'm not sure we're gonna make it, 'cause my brother drives like a narcoleptic old lady.

Say hi, Grandma!

(laughs) No, that's our only nourishment!

DAN: Her name's Lindsay Jolson. Just turned 22. She went missing catering a Players' Club event.

CHLOE: Players' Club?

DAN: It's one of those skeezy pickup artist groups. You know, that teach geeks how to be sex gods.

Got it.

DANIEL: Lindsay was last seen talking to the lead scumbag. The founder, Carver Cruz.

So he was interrogated?

b]DAN:[/b]Yep, but his lawyer did all the talking. And with no proof, we're stuck. But there's a Players' seminar and after-party today.And you need to go undercover.

CHLOE: Why me? I'm homicide.

DAN: Because you're our best way in.

I am?

DAN: Apparently these events are pretty exclusive, and when I saw the guest list, I recognized one of the names. I guess a lot of high-end club owners are invited.

CHLOE: Oh, come on. No. You're kidding.

DAN: (chuckles) I wish I was.

Lucifer's on the list?

DAN: Yeah.

Yeah, of course, he is.

DAN: (sighs) Look... the last thing I want is the guy I found making my half-naked wife breakfast this morning spending more time with her, separated or not. But...

This is the best option.

DAN: I wouldn't ask, but I just keep thinking, what if this was our daughter?

LINDA: The detective seems like a very lovely woman.

LUCIFER: Well, I suppose, but still, she's human. Why is she able to refuse my charms? I mean, is this thing on?

LINDA: Yes, yes. Definitely on. (sighs) It's not that you're afraid that you don't have power over Chloe. It's that you're afraid that she has power over you, but neither one is true.

LUCIFER: No?

LINDA: No. People don't have power over us. We give it to them. You have to take your power back.

LUCIFER: Right, go on.

LINDA: You say she's nothing special, but I think you've put her on a pedestal. You need to really get to know her, warts and all. (chuckles) I'm sure she has some. (chuckles) So, (clears throat) demystify her by bringing her back down to your own level.

LUCIFER:  You're right. It's not her, it's me. I need to take back control. I need to behave like I always have.

LINDA: Good. So you understand.

LUCIFER:  Yes. Yes. (chuckles) I mean, it seems obvious now, actually. I need to have sex with her.

LINDA: Uh... no, uh, that's not what I said.

LUCIFER: No, no, no, you're a genius. I mean, that's the best way to lose interest, right?

LINDA: Right. Good-o. Hmm.

LUCIFER: Thanks, love.

LINDA: Oh, sure.

LUCIFER: Payment next time, okay?

LINDA: Uh... Um...

Chloe: Her name's Lindsay Jolson.

LUCIFER: Mm-hmm.

She's been missing almost three full days.

LUCIFER: Right, so just ask me one more time.

CHLOE: Lucifer, there's a girl missing.

LUCIFER: (chuckles) Yes, it's just not every day someone kicks you out of your house, then three hours later asks you on a date.

CHLOE: It's not a date. It's a work thing.

LUCIFER: Oh.

CHLOE: And are you gonna help me or not?

LUCIFER: All right. But only 'cause it coincides perfectly with my own plan.

CHLOE: And what plan is that?

LUCIFER: Well, to have sex with you, of course.

CHLOE: (laughs) Okay. Wait, you and I... well, there is no you and I.There's a professional situation, and I just need you...

LUCIFER: See, you need me.

CHLOE: The department needs you, because you're the one...

LUCIFER: I'm the one?

CHLOE: On the list for the Player thing.

LUCIFER: You're quite adorable when you're flustered.

CHLOE: I... I'm not flustered. I'm nauseous.

LUCIFER: Now you're blushing; I'd say I'm making headway.

CHLOE: Okay, look, let me make myself perfectly clear. I will never, ever, ever sleep with you.

Never. Okay? Got it?

LUCIFER: Playing hard to get, I like it.

CHLOE: When Hell freezes over, Lucifer.

LUCIFER: I can arrange that, actually.

CHLOE: Get in the car.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

LUCIFER: Well, hello.

♪ Ain't nothing wrong with this chemistry... ♪

Here you are, Mr. Morningstar.

LUCIFER: Well, thank you, lovely.

And here's something else you might need.

(chuckles)

LUCIFER: Well, yes, that might come in handy. Pardon the pun.

Whoa. Did you just number close the nametag girl?

LUCIFER: Oh. Use this wisely. You're welcome.

♪ What makes a good man... ♪

I can't believe you.

LUCIFER: Don't worry, Detective. I'm more of a leg man myself. Soon as you say the word, you'll have your turn.

CHLOE: Wow, you've never been rejected by a woman, have you?

LUCIFER: No.

Man: Get your hands off me!

I want to talk to Carver Cruz!

I need you to leave right now, sir.

Carver!

Carver, can you hear me?!

It's the missing girl's brother.

What'd you do to my sister?!

Get out here, you coward!

It's okay. I got this.

I know him.

No, you don't.

Look, I'm sorry. He has to leave the premises.

LUCIFER: Oh, I don't think that'll be necessary, Officer. Besides, isn't this quite boring? I mean, there are several lovely ladies milling around out there. Which one do you desire?

You. I'm gay.

LUCIFER: Oh! Right. Well, my dance card's full with this one, I'm afraid. But the odds are definitely in your favor out there. Probably not batting for the same team, but you never know... So go on, then. Go forth and conquer. I know you want to.

Yeah. Right.

Off you pop.

(sighs)

You're Lindsay's brother.

How'd you know that?

LUCIFER: Because she's a cop.

CHLOE: Great. Say that louder. I don't think everyone heard you.

LUCIFER: (whispering): Right. Sorry, yes, we're here undercover to find out what happened to your sister.

Man: If you can help me, I'll tell you what happened.

Carver k*lled her.

k*lled her? You sure about that?

No, but... look, I know my sister.

She's a good person. She's sweet.

She wouldn't just run off. She's not even from L.A.

I'm all she has out here.

She's all I have.

CHLOE: Kevin, I promise you, if anyone here hurt your sister, I'll find them.

LUCIFER: And I'll punish them. Any method you prefer. Nice solid flogging. Get the ol' swamp nuts in a vice, you know. Okay. It's time to go now.

CHLOE: Let us handle this, and if we hear anything, we'll be in touch.

Okay. Thank you.

Yeah.

We've got this.

LUCIFER: You have to admit, we're quite a good team. If you weren't so pent-up sexually, we'd be f*ring on all cylinders, I'd say.

CHLOE: I'm assuming you learned most of your moves at events like these.

LUCIFER: I've never been to something like this before in my life. I certainly don't need any help getting women into bed. Till... Were you h*t on the head when you were small?

CHLOE:[/b] (sighs)

LUCIFER: No?

("Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor playing)

(crowd cheering)

We are biological machines.

We... are warriors.

We... are players!

(crowd cheering)

Gentlemen, we are animals. Men are the wolves, and women... are the fluffy bunnies.

(laughter)

So we must prepare ourselves for the hunt.

How?

All: "Follow the list."

Yes! The C.K.C.

The Conduct of Kick-ass Cavemen.

One: Be seen.

LUCIFER: People pay for this?

CHLOE: Yeah, 5,000 bucks.

Carver: Stand out.

The peacock, the lion with his mane.

Two: Be a protector.

Duh.

Women are hardwired to hook up with someone who can help them survive. It is simple biology, man.

Three: Be brave. Take risks.

Oh, maybe you should take notes.

Carver: Four: Be a leader of men.

And the most elusive.

Five: Be confident.

You... are... a player!

Own it!

(crowd cheering)

LUCIFER: Excuse-excuse me! Excuse me, question!

CHLOE: What are you doing?

Carver: The Q&A's after the speech, buddy.

LUCIFER:  No, but it's quite pressing. What if you have all those manly whatnots and a woman still doesn't respond?

CarverYou may think you have them, but you don't.Yeah.That's why you're here, right?

So, gentlemen, you follow these rules, and you will bed any Betty you desire, guaranteed.

LUCIFER:  No. No. No, no, no. I'm certain I've got everything on your little list, and more, actually, yet this woman here won't have sex with me.

(laughter)

Carver Just listen to the speech, buddy. The system works.

LUCIFER: No, but I doubt that. Because... because if I can't "bed a Betty," then how do you possibly expect any of these poor miscreants to succeed?(crowd grumbles)  Especially when they're taking advice from a-a w*nk*r such as you?

Carver All right, just sit down, man.

CHLOE: Yeah, Lucifer, sit down.

LUCIFER: I-I just... could we get the spotlight over here? (chuckles) Do we have that? Yeah, yeah. But on-on her. Good. Right.

LUCIFER: Now, you're the expert. You tell me what's wrong with this picture. I mean, I'm me.

Right? And she... Well, she's a cop, for starters.

(crowd grumbles)

Carver She's a cop?

LUCIFER: Yes. I mean, talk about the shallow end of the dating pool.

Carver This is private property. Unless you have a warrant, you need to leave here immediately.

Security! Security, her, out. Okay, we're gonna take a ten-minute intermission. All right? Thank you.

LUCIFER: I haven't finished.

All right.

Oh, it's you again.

Have you two...?

I know. I'm-I'm sorry, Lieutenant.

I... No. No.

I've got it under control.

And Mr. Morningstar, too, yes.

LUCIFER: Let me talk to him.

CHLOE: It's a her, and no.

LUCIFER: Really? Your boss is a she? Even better. Give me the phone, I'll fix it.

CHLOE: (whispers to Lucifer) No, you can't fix this! You've already said enough. Sorry! Not you. Yes, I-I'll figure out a way into the party. It's not a problem. And-and again, I...

LUCIFER: So we're going to the Player after-party.

CHLOE: Not you. I am.

LUCIFER: Well, I'm not sure how that's possible, now that you've blown your cover.

CHLOE: Well, that was 100% your fault.

LUCIFER: I beg to differ. None of that would have happened if you'd just complied with my request.

CHLOE: Do you honestly think you can just ask people to have sex with you and they will?

LUCIFER: Well, I usually don't have to ask, actually. But trust me, it'd be a win-win. And probably another win after that. I mean, I have tremendous stamina.

CHLOE: There's a girl missing, Lucifer. She's probably in some hellhole somewhere, scared out of her mind, if she's even still alive. And I found out the party is a cash-only event. That's a first for Carver. So our only suspect's probably about to run off to Mexico, and you're worried about boning me?

LUCIFER: You're right. Sorry. Let's find the girl. Okay?

CHLOE: Yes.

LUCIFER: Sex later. Kidding. Sort of.

(sighs)

LUCIFER: So where's the party?

CHLOE: Cold Bar.

LUCIFER: Really? Well, that place is notoriously overpriced to rent. If Carver wants cash, he shouldn't have it there.

No, he shouldn't. I think I just figured out how you can fix this.

LUCIFER: Oh? Do tell.

(wings whooshing)

Miss me?

MAZE: I know why you're here. I won't help you, Amenadiel.

One way or another, Maze, I am gonna change your mind, so... You're gonna help me get Lucifer back to Hell. Don't make it painful.

(laughs)

MAZE: You forget. I love pain.

♪ ♪

(grunting)

I'm an angel. You can't b*at me, little demon. Stop and hear me out.

MAZE: (chuckles)Men... they always want to talk.

♪ ♪

(grunts)

Enough!

We want the same thing!

MAZE: Oh, do we?

Let's see.

Uh-oh.

Did I h*t a nerve?

Mazikeen, we both know that something has fundamentally changed in Lucifer.

Now, aren't you even the least bit concerned?

MAZE: No. It's a phase. It'll pass.

You're lying to me. You're lying to yourself. Now, we can help each other.

We can get him back to where he belongs if you could just provide me with a weak spot.

Some insight.

No... means no.

♪ ♪

MAZE: Uh... hello? Uh, Lucifer?

LUCIFER: Be out in a moment. Just getting ready.

CHLOE: Okay. Uh, did you do what I told you to do and call Carver about the Player's Club?

LUCIFER:  Make yourself a drink, Detective.

CHLOE: No. No. No more drinks. No more blurred lines. No more breaking into my house or trying to sleep with me. Look, this is a professional relationship. I'm a police officer, and you...

(gasps) (laughs) ...are naked. Oh...

LUCIFER: Speaking of my surprise visit yesterday, I decided turnabout's fair play. You know, tit for tat sort of thing. (chuckles)

CHLOE: This is beyond inappropriate.

LUCIFER: And brave, wouldn't you say? Number three on the C.K.C. list: take risks.

(clears throat)

CHLOE: Okay. Just... Lucifer, put some freakin' clothes on.

LUCIFER: All right. But seriously, darling, are you well? The berries are ripe and ready to be harvested. I mean, look at me. Huh? Now, you can't argue with that, can you?

CHLOE: What happened to... My God.

LUCIFER: Oh, oh. Well, yes, I suppose it is his fault.

CHLOE: Whose fault?

LUCIFER: My father.

CHLOE: Your dad did that to you?

LUCIFER: No, no, no. That's where I cut my wings off.

CHLOE: (sighs) What?

LUCIFER: Well, I didn't. Maze did. I told her to.

CHLOE: N-No. Seriously. What is that?

LUCIFER: Don't, please.

CHLOE: Okay.

LUCIFER: I should get dressed. Otherwise, we'll miss the party.

CHLOE: So you did make the call?

LUCIFER: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Party's at Lux. Turns out, the words "open bar" are indeed effective.

CHLOE: So good on you.

LUCIFER: Okay. Can't go wearing that scruffy little getup. You'll stick out like a sore cop.

♪ ♪

CHLOE: Where did you get this dress anyhow?

LUCIFER: Oh, it was left behind by one of my overnight guests.

CHLOE: What was she wearing when she left?

LUCIFER: A smile.

CHLOE: Mm. If I get an STD from this thing, I'm gonna k*ll you.

LUCIFER: Oh, there he is.

CHLOE:  Oh, he doesn't look suspicious at all.

LUCIFER: Hmm, so what's the plan, Detective?

CHLOE: Avoid him for now. Mingle, find people who were at the party last week. See if anyone saw Carver with our missing girl.

Hey.

CHLOE: Hi.

Are you from Tennessee?

CHLOE: No.

Because you're the only ten I see.

LUCIFER: Oh, you poor soul. Does that actually work?

No.

No, I didn't think so.

CHLOE: (laughs) It's cute.

It-it is?

CHLOE: Yeah. Y-You're cute. You're really cute. Hey, were you at that party last week?

Uh, no, actually, this is my first.

CHLOE: Okay.

Man: I love this song!

Okay.

CHLOE: Hey, oh, were you at the party last week?

LUCIFER: Uh, I think the dress may have backfired, actually.

CHLOE: I think we've been spotted.

LUCIFER: Clearly a man with nothing to hide.

Move!

Get out of the way!

(people screaming)

Just... get out.

Move!

Just come...

CHLOE: Give me the g*n, Carver.

Just-just let me go, okay? I need to go!

LUCIFER: I'm afraid that's not possible, but I do have another option for you. How about a broken back, hmm?

(groans)

You don't understand, I have to go!

They're gonna k*ll her now!

You just k*lled Lindsay!

They? They who?

The people who took her.

Where is Lindsay?

I don't know, okay? I swear to you, somebody kidnapped her.

If that's the case, then why wouldn't you go to the cops?

Because they said they'd k*ll her if I did. Maybe they already have.

LUCIFER: Excuse me, dear, I don't know why we bother with all these pithy little police questions.

Tell me... what game's the player playing, eh?

What are you after?

I just want Lindsay back.I swear, I would never hurt her. I love her.

LUCIFER: But she's a fluffy bunny. You're a wolf. You-You've built an empire on the objectification of women.

Yeah, I know. I'm a complete hypocrite. But I-I would give anything to get her back.

LUCIFER: You humans. (chuckles): You never cease to amaze.

CHLOE: Okay, Carver, say what you're saying is true. How long have you and Lindsay been together?

Four months. Next Tuesday.I tried to keep it quiet, 'cause, you know, I'm the man and everything.

I guess it got out.

LUCIFER: So you're saying you slept with Lindsay on multiple occasions, but you still want to be with her?

Yes, and for the rest of my life.

LUCIFER: Well, after four months, you haven't got her, you know, out of your system? (chuckles) How's that possible?

Chloe: Okay.

You have no idea where they're holding Lindsay?

No. But they did send this to me... after the seminar. Said no more cops or she's d*ad.

So the kidnappers were there yesterday watching you.

Carver: I just hope they weren't at the party. If they hurt her, I...

Chloe: It's okay. Is there anyone you suspect that might do this to you?

Enemies?

Uh, I'm kind of a polarizing guy.

Okay, the hater list is long.

LUCIFER: Hello there, this is Lucifer Morningstar.

Who are you talking to?

LUCIFER: Shh.

Do not shush me.

Who's on the phone?

All one word, that's right.

LUCIFER: Yes, I'll be speaking on Carver's behalf from now on. (chuckles) No, I'm not a cop.

I assure you.

Is that the...

Yes, it's the kidnappers.

What are you doing?

LUCIFER: Of course we have the money. Just give me a time and location.

(tutting)

Give me the phone.

LUCIFER: No, I promise you, no police. All right?

Okay, then. See you shortly. Bye-bye.

Wait, wait. Wait, we need proof of life.

LUCIFER: Oh. Um, just a minute. How do we know Lindsay's still alive?

No, they've hung up.

What are you doing?

LUCIFER:  Not to worry. I've handled it. I'll be making an exchange on your behalf this evening.

Cash for your lady love, all right?

Really? Uh, but why would you do that for me?

LUCIFER: Well, (chuckles) isn't it obvious? Number two on your list: be a protector. Is it working?

You're not doing this alone.

LUCIFER: Afraid so. I promised, no police. A deal's a deal, especially one with the Devil. (chuckles) Besides, I'm the only one not risking his life on this. Immortal, remember?

(phone chimes)

Lindsay (crying): Carver, I'm all right.

I'm a... I don't know where I am.

Please come get me.

I love you.

Please. (sobbing)

I'm coming with you.

No, I can't let you do that.

I'm not gonna call this in, but you have to stay here.

No discussion. I'm coming with you.

LUCIFER: Fine. You'll have to wait in the car.

♪ ♪

Ten more minutes.

Patience.

Something doesn't feel right.

LUCIFER: Well, of course, it doesn't. It's a kidnapping. Cool ranch puff?

No, thanks.

LUCIFER: No? Mm. It's funny, isn't it? You'd think the king of hellfire would be more of a flaming hot guy, but love these bad boys.

Okay, let's say you really are the Devil. All-powerful, immortal, blah, blah, blah. Does that mean you don't feel pain at all?

LUCIFER: Hmm. I like this line of questioning. Does this mean you're finally coming around?

No. Just answer the question.

LUCIFER: (chuckles) Well, I... I do feel something, but it's not pain so much as, uh, a pressure, a nuisance, really.

Okay, so what does it feel like if you get sh*t? Ow.

LUCIFER: Well, you asked.

But that's it? Like, a b*llet just bounces off you?

LUCIFER: Well, there's no wound or blood, if that's what you mean. Can verify with something sharp if you like.

No, it's not necessary. It's tempting though.

LUCIFER: Huh. So, does this mean that you believe me?

LUCIFER: I'm afraid I can't offer anything obvious like a tail as proof.

And so no horns.

LUCIFER: No, afraid not. That's the stuff of movies and TV.

CHLOE: Mm-hmm.

LUCIFER: They always get it wrong.

CHLOE: Well, look, I-I (laughs) have to admit, I've seen some things I can't explain, but I don't believe in all that Bible stuff.

LUCIFER: So you're an atheist. How ironic.

CHLOE: No, not exactly. I do believe there's good and evil and right and wrong. But the whole fiery damnation thing, no.

LUCIFER: Does it scare you?

CHLOE: No, I mean, how could I be scared of something that I don't believe in?

LUCIFER: Do I scare you?

CHLOE: No. Is that Carver?

Hmm?

How did he get here?

Oh, he must have followed us.

LUCIFER: Well done, Detective.

Chloe: No, he didn't follow us. He must have gotten the address somehow.

LUCIFER: Or someone told him. Either way, he's gonna get someone k*lled, probably himself.

LUCIFER: This love thing makes you all quite stupid, doesn't it?

CHLOE: (whispers): Lucifer! Lucifer!

(lock clicks)

LUCIFER: Sorry, but I gave my word... no police.

CHLOE: Seriously?

LUCIFER: Don't worry, Detective. I'm immortal, remember?

CHLOE: I knew it.

(line ringing) Hey, guys, I'm gonna need you sooner than I thought.

Is SWAT ready?

♪ ♪

(screams)

(chuckles)

Manly as ever.

Why are you here?

We had a perfectly good plan in place.

Well, after you left, the kidnappers called back.

They said they changed their minds, and I come or the deal's off.

Oh, that sounds sinister.

Just hand over the cash, and no one gets hurt.

Yes, right. Got it here.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Where's Lindsay?!

I want to see her.

No. My rules.

Money first.

LUCIFER: Now, Mr. Kidnapper, I believe that's a fair request actually, so just pop her around and the money's yours.

(grunting)

LUCIFER: Greedy little jackal, aren't you?

Give it to me!

LUCIFER: (chuckles) Most certainly will not.

Carver: Hey, f-forget it! Just-just give it to him! I just want her back.

LUCIFER: Fine. Now bring us the girl. 

I'm sorry.That's not gonna happen.

(chuckles)

What? I will k*ll you! 

Oh, it's gonna happen.

A deal's a deal.

I am not leaving here without Lindsay.

No way.

(sighs) Dearie me. What is it about you and g*n, eh?

(g*n)

Carver?

Oh, no.

(groans)

Lindsay?

LUCIFER: Wait. Lindsay Lindsay? Love of your life Lindsay?

Yeah, sorry, but I can't let you sh**t my brother.

What's up, jackass?

I don't understand.

Don't you though?

This foul woman and her backwood brother played the player.

Lindsay kidnapped herself.

Hell truly hath no fury like a woman scorned.

You did scorn her, didn't you?

No. No.

For the first time in my life, I didn't.

I loved her.

I love you.

Love me? Are you kidding? You didn't even remember my name!

What are you talking about?

I met you two years ago, Carver. We slept together. And then you never called again. Guess I was research for your stupid book.

No, no, that's not possible. No, I-I would've remembered.

Nope. I met you at the library.

It's a good place to score desperate babes.

That's in Chapter 11, I believe.

Oh, that's bad.

I was a virgin, Carver.

That's worse. (chuckles)

It was just another night for you, but it was a big deal for me.

Oh, God, I'm... I am so sorry, Lindsay. I-I'm different now.

No, I don't think so. But I am.

LUCIFER: Okay, may I speak now? Because I happen to be an expert on punishment, and I'm not sure it fits the crime here. I mean, Carver made a mistake... well, several really... but... you're different. He's changed. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Kevin: Shut up. You shouldn't even be here. Now you're d*ad, too. sh**t them, Linds.

LUCIFER:Sorry, can't let you do that, darling. I mean, I'm indestructible, but he's off-limits as well, I'm afraid.

No, she's right. I-I deserve it.

LUCIFER: No, you don't. Chlamydia, the clap, raging case of crabs... that's what you deserve, not death.  (chuckles softly): And you... how are you any better? Why do humans think they can rectify one evil with another? (chuckles): I mean, it's clearly the first time this reptile has truly loved a woman, and this is his reward?

Kevin: Get away from her!

(grunts, coughs)

(gasps)

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

LUCIFER: Sorry?

Please don't hurt me.

(sobbing)

LUCIFER: Why does everyone say that before they're punished?

Don't k*ll me!

CHLOE: Lucifer. Don't move.

LUCIFER:  Detective, you should leave.

CHLOE: Who are you?

(Lindsay crying)

CHLOE: What are you?

Chloe: Did you do this?

LUCIFER: I've been trying to tell you, I'm the Devil.

CHLOE: (panting) That's... that's not possible.

LUCIFER: I assure you, Detective, it is. I mean, you've said yourself, there are things you can't explain.  You need more proof? You've got the g*n. Come on, sh**t me.

CHLOE: No. I can't sh**t you.

LUCIFER: Sure you can. Go on, give her a squeeze, we'll be good to go.

CHLOE: No.

LUCIFER: Just sh**t me, Detective! Please! Because maybe you'll finally realize...

(casing clatters on floor)

LUCIFER: Good for you! See? Hardly hurts.

(distant sirens wailing)

CHLOE: I can't believe...

LUCIFER: Actually, no, it's hurting a little bit. It's... Gah! It's hurting a lot. Son of a bitch, that really hurts!

(sirens wailing, tires screeching)

LUCIFER: I'm bleeding.

You're bleeding.

LUCIFER: I'm bleeding.

CHLOE: Oh, crap, of course you're bleeding.

(indistinct police radio chatter)

CHLOE: God, what have I done?

LUCIFER: I don't... I don't bleed. It's... (grunts)

CHLOE: Lucifer, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

LUCIFER: What does this mean?

CHLOE: Well, it means I sh*t you. And I'm an idiot, and I'm sorry. And I'm in so much trouble.

LUCIFER: Ah! It really hurts!

(panting)

(indistinct talking)

LUCIFER: What's happening to me?

(siren wails)

(indistinct chatter)

(talking indistinctly)

(talking indistinctly)

(talking, laughing)

Well, speak of the devil.

Mr. Morningstar here was just telling me everything you did in there.

CHLOE: Right. Well, Lieutenant...

LUCIFER: I was just telling your boss if you hadn't acted in the way that you did, then, well, all hell would've broken loose.

Isn't that right?

CHLOE: Right. Mm. Absolutely. And, um...

But you caught the bad guys; that's the main thing.

Olivia: Again, I'm sorry that you got caught in the crossfire, Mr. Morningstar.

LUCIFER: Oh, it's just a graze. I hardly felt it.

(chuckles) And call me Lucifer.

Lucifer.

(Olivia chuckles)

Thank you again for all of your help.

LUCIFER: You are so welcome.

Bye, now.

(chuckles)

I thought you didn't lie.

LUCIFER: I don't. But I don't always tell the whole truth. (chuckles)

CHLOE: Thank you.

LUCIFER: You're welcome.

CHLOE: Come on, I'll drive you home.

LUCIFER: I should bloody hope so, now you've crippled me.

CHLOE: Wuss.

(chuckles)

Thanks, Julia.

Have a good night. Drive safe.

Mommy!

CHLOE: (chuckles): Hey!

What are you doing up?

Can't sleep when you're not home.

Come on, I'll tuck you in.

What's that on your shirt?

CHLOE: Oh. Um, that's, uh... that's ketchup from lunch.

Nuh-uh. That's blood, Mom.

CHLOE: Right. You're right. Well, um... I may have h*t someone... with a b*llet.

You sh*t someone? Again?

CHLOE: Barely.

Who?

CHLOE: It was Lucifer.

Is he okay?

CHLOE: He's fine. It was nothing. It was, like, a little graze.

Okay.

CHLOE: What, babe?

Remember last week, I told you that boy Noah kept throwing French fries at me at lunchtime?

CHLOE: Mm-hmm.

And you said it actually might mean he likes me?

CHLOE: Yes.

Well, since you sh*t Lucifer, it must mean you really like him.

(sighs)

CHLOE: Hmm.

You know, it is bedtime, you little weasel. (both laugh) You weasel. I'm gonna get you.

Story time! Story time!

(door opens)

(Lucifer groans)

(panting)

I know.

Tough day at the office.

MAZE: What happened to you?

LUCIFER: Oh, you'll never guess. She sh*t me. And I bled.

MAZE: What? That's not possible.

LUCIFER: I know.

What's causing this?

Is there something you're not telling me?

Don't think about it too much. It's exciting.

MAZE: No, it's dangerous. We've had our fun here, Lucifer, but this can't happen.

(chuckles)

MAZE: Tell me we're going home.

LUCIFER: On the contrary, Maze. The fun's just g*n.
{"type": "series", "show": "Lucifer", "episode": "01x04 - Manly Whatnots"}