Luke: Ok, now hold this down and be careful, it those to wires touch you can get a nasty shock.

Mike: Ben.

Ben: Yow.

Mike: Hold this down for me.

Ben: Sure, aww.

Luke: Got it yeah.

Mike: Alright, alright, look at that this one cable, three sets different channels, look you are a genius.

Ben: Is it just me or does this room taste like thin foil?

Maggie: Oh I am so excited I finally get to get away with your father, two glorious days of dancing and gazing at the stars.

Luke: I thought you were reviewing this old folks resort for your consumer column?

Mike: Yeah and why are you dragging dad along mom?

Maggie: It is not an old folks resort and I know your father is just excited as I am.

Jason: Somebody just cover me with dirt and put me out of my misery.

Maggie: Jason, let's just finish getting you packed and we'll talk about it on the way to The Cascos.

Jason: Ah this isn't the weekend for that old folks resort is it?

Maggie: Jason, it is not an old folks resort they cater to the over forty class.

Mike: Well make up your mind mom?

Maggie: Jason, they said if we get there early enough they will give us one of their honey moon suites.

Jason: They have honeymoon suites at the old folks place?Will they give you a complimentary magnum of jherritoe?

Honey I'm sorry it's just that I'm so tired I can hardly to...walk this road.

Maggie: I help you pack.

Jason: I'm going to watching TV.

Chrissy is going to the Henderson's for the weekend and Luke, Ben and I are going to live on this couch for two days of non-stop sports, Chrissy's food and

all around knuckle head guy stuff.

Jason: Knuckle head guy stuff?

Mike: Dad, you two guys can't stay with us, I mean nothing can ruin this perfect weekend.

Carol: Hello.

Mike: Aw, Carol, what are you doing here?

Carol: France had f*re to her dorm room with her butane curling iron.

Ben: Alright I got chips, slim jims, pork ranch and spray cheese, aw what are you doing here?

Maggie: Ok Jason I left your suitcase open upstairs just throw on your dancing shoes and let's go.

Jason: Honey, just hypothetically speaking what do you think will happen if I said I don't really want to go with you this weekend?

Maggie: Well hypothetically speaking, we could fit a bed in the basement.

Jason: Good thing that was a hypothetical question.

Maggie: Jason are you going because you want to or because you're just being nice to me.

Jason: Honey come on we've been married for twenty three years we don't have to be nice to each other.

Maggie: Jason why don't you just stay home.

Jason: Alright I mean alright

Mike: Ah dad you don't want mom to make that long trip all by her self do you?

Jason: Don't help me here Mike.

Mike: No,but she could take Carol.

Carol: What?

Ben: Please, please, please, please, please.

Maggie: Oh come on Carol what do you say, you want to keep your old mom company?

Carol: Well gee mom, I really have a lot of homework.

Mike: Well then sure Carol stay with us, we'll stuff our faces together we'll watch three TV's and do our version of the wave.

Carol: Eww.

Carol: I thought you said that everyone here was gonna be old.These people are all .

Maggie: Firm, what's going on here?

Carol: Twenty something meet and greet weekend.

Maggie: Aw that's why everyone here is so young and healthy.

Carol: With pecs you could park a Toyota on.

A man: You know I usually respond to the come h*t the vibes a younger babes but in your case I have made an exception and h*t the...I came.

Maggie: Shouldn't you be digesting a small rodent?

A man: You see Babes, I've got it and I would like to share it with you.

Maggie: How would you like to walk away before I slam it in a window?

A man: You're kinky, you're a naughty girl.

Maggie: Five, four.

A man: Ok, ok but I'm the only one here who is almost your age, see me now or see me later.

Maggie: Great I've just been insulted by a walking oil sleek.

Carol: Thanks mom, mom I wish I knew you were dragging me to a meat market.

Maggie: I'm sorry sweetheart, I hope this doesn't disturb your studying.

Carol: Forget studying, I left all my spandex at home.Everyone shouting!!!

Mike: Yeah

Jason: Doesn't get any better than this, boys?

Mike: Here's to good friends today is kind of special.

Jason: You gotta go for the gusto and bring out your best.

Luke: If you spit in the air it's gonna land in your face

Jason: Words to live by Luke.

Ben: Smooth move you ditching mom, dad.

Jason: Honey, listen just a second you know that I love your mother very much and I cherish the time we send together and I think we can all agree that this

place is a little empty without her.

Mike: So, what time are the Jamaican bob star trials?

Luke: Let's go to the big board.

Ben: Alright, Ok, they're in a half hour then we have to choose between the bikini wikini contest and Fly casting withdrawal , wait a minute, how did that

get on there.

Mike: Yes my boys this is the life.

Ben: I ordered five more pizzas.

Mike and Luke: Excellent.

Jason: I know, sweetheart what are you doing home?You're supposed to be at the Henderson's how is my little baby?

Nurse Rogers: She's got lice.

Jason: Okay, Lice?

Jason: No no that can't be, that's impossible, we keep an immaculate house around here, most of the times.

Nurse Rogers: She got it from another child in her class, it happens in the finest schools, I assure you there is absolutely no shame involved in this.

Jason: Shame?No, no certainly not at all we have to learn to.

Man: Hi there.

Jason: Get out.

Nurse Rogers: Now this does not have to be a serious problem if you'll just follow these simple instructions.

Jason: Yes alright.

Nurse Roberts: Have a nice weekend.

Chrissy: Daddy, Am I gonna be alright?

Jason: Yes come on, I'm gonna take good care of you.

Mike: Well, we have to wash her hair with a special lice shampoo and pick off every single lice off every single strand of hair, vacuum the furniture, scrub

the floors, strip the bed, wash the sheets, stick her stuffed animals in plastic bags.

Jason: Wow wow wow wow Mike, start it over, what do we do first?

Ben: Kiss our weekend good bye.

Maggie: Waiter, can you tell us if there is anything special going on this weekend?

Waiter: Well I heard some stock brokers are gonna drink as much beer as they can and then burp the eighteen twelve overture.

Carol: We were thinking more along the line s of organized activities.

Waiter: Oh, well there's the big dance tomorrow night.

Maggie: Ah, well it's just as well your father is not here, there was a time he used to do the hussles until his bell bottoms rang.

Carol: I hate it when guys do this, so come on mom, which one, which one?

Maggie: The one in the blue turtle neck and he's definitely interested.

Carol: Okay mom, let's say he's actually interested, he takes me out and I have the time of my life in two weeks I'll be sitting by the phone power eating

nachos seasoned only by the salt of my tears.

Guy1: Hi I'm Brad and...

Carol: Buzz off scuzz bucket.

Maggie: Oh no she's joking.

Brad: Are you sisters?

Dwight: I guess you're the older one, not older more beautiful, not that you're not beautiful but she is blond if it's real, I think it's real.

If you'll excuse me I think I'll go back to my room and re-spool my floss.

Brad: he doesn't get out much, look maybe this is a bad time, well ah I'll catch you later?

Carol: Maybe maybe not we'll see, I want him.

Machine: You are falling behind, come on slow poke.

Maggie: Oh, come on Carol let's try something else, it's no fun to work on a machine that can only insult you.

Machine: Excellent pace, you are amazing.

Man: Hey puff cakes, you look a little winded, how'd you like some mouth to mouth?

Maggie: If you don't leave me alone, I'll have you arrested.

Man: Woo, cuff me frisk me and make me squeal, I'm thinking I got about ten seconds before I fell that,

so I'm gonna leave secure in the knowledge you dig me.

Carol: So mom, you want to try the rolling machine?

Maggie: I'll try anything that doesn't talk.

Carol: I've never realized how fun it was to build up a good clean sweat, Aw oh my gosh it's

Brad I'm reek, I'm disgusting, maybe if I ignore him, he won't notice me.

Brad: Carol, right, remember me, the scuzz bucket?

Carol: Aw I'm sorry, it's just that well I had you confused with every other guy I've ever met

Brad: Spot me on some lap things.

Carol: I'll love to.

Dwight: Hi my name is Dwight.

Maggie: I'm Maggie.

Dwight: Just wanted to apologize for yesterday I get kind of tongue tied around women.

Maggie: Aw.

Dwight: You see young women, I mean not that you're old, I mean you're pretty old, what I mean is you're pretty and old...

Maggie: Dwight...have we gotten to the apology part yet?

Dwight: I'm sorry, so are you with you husband?

Carol: No, it's just us girls foot loose and fancy free.

Dwight: Groovy, eh...

Chrissy: Daddy, are you mad at me?

Jason: No, why would you say that sweet heart?

Chrissy: Cause you're making the same noises you do when you pay bills.

Jason: Okay, I hate doing this but I love you and when we love somebody you'll do anything for them like comb lice eggs out of their hair, help them with

their home work, go places we don't want to go, do things we don't want to do like dancing.

Chrissy: You want to dance?Wait till I get my muffet's record.

Jason: No no no wait, come here sweet heart, maybe later I still got a few more hairs to cover.

Chrissy: How many hairs do I have daddy?

Jason: You have billions and billions.

Luke: I figure we got about forty loads of laundry left to do.

Mike: Well, only ten if we soak Carol's stuff in kerosene and t*rture it.

Jason: Isn't Ben supposed to be helping you guys?

Luke: Ok, he's upstairs doing research, he said he is trying to get into the head of a louse.

Mike: which should be a comfortable fit.

Jason: Hey Ben come on down here we need you.

Ben: Dad, I've got some really powerful information that's gonna save us a lot of work.

Jason: What's that?

Ben: Whales, platapusses and armadillos don't get lice.

Jason: I want you to put that book down and back away slowly.

Ben: What is the big deal?

Come on this is not anybody's problem, we're turning the house upside down, there were terangillas okay, cobras I'm right there with you but we're talking

about lice, so they make you itch, I've been itching my whole life.

Jason: That's nothing to brag about Ben.

Mike: Damn it Gal let me just give it a sh*t I speak Ben, now listen let's just say that one of these eggs hatches in this house and just one of these little

cooties jumps into your hair, we are talking lice capades.Alright then and petty soon people start calling you cootie head.

Ben: I've been called worst.

Mike: And then you get sent home from school.

Ben: Great, vacation.

Mike: And then no girl will ever date you.

Ben: I want these lice found and I want them d*ad.

Carol: Thanks for sitting in with us mom, well Brad and I just wanted to dance and then we'll be stuck with Dwight and I'm stuck with, well you don't have

anybody else either.

Maggie: Well I hope that everybody understands that I am just here to eat.

Brad: Evening Ladies.

Carol: Hi Brad.

Brad: I picked these out especially for you.

Carol: Oh mom, have you ever since such beautiful flowers?

Maggie: Well as a matter of fact.

Brad: Carol, you wanna dance?

Carol: Love to.

Maggie: Dwight, what's this?

Dwight: Flowers.

Maggie: Sit down Dwight, I think we have to clear something up.

Dwight: Great, I should have known an attractive woman like you wouldn't be interested in me, stupid, stupid, stupid, fifteen ninety five for the flowers,

nice going Dwight, you just told her how much they cost and you're talking to yourself, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Maggie: Dwight, quit beating yourself up, I think that there's just been a little misunderstanding here, this is not date.

Dwight: But I ask Carol, she said yes.

Maggie: I said yes to dinner, not flowers and...lemon pledge?

Dwight: I was in a hurry, I was in a hurry, I packed the wrong can.

Maggie: Dwight, I am a happily married woman.

Dwight: But in the exercise room you said you were foot loose and fancy free.

Maggie: And you said groovy.

Dwight: I just h*t on a married woman, well the only thing left for me to do now is to go back to my room and rotate my shoe trees, see you.

Maggie: No no no Dwight sit down, now there's a room full of girls your age why aren't you talking to them?

Dwight: Girls my age don't find me exciting.

Maggie: Well have you ever tried talking to them the way you're talking to me right now?

Dwight: I'll like to but I can't, just once I'll like to be one of those smooth operators who just walks up to anyone

in the room and say exactly what's on his mind.

Man: Hey baby, you want to lick my nipples?

Maggie: No, but I'll like to break them.

Man: If you don't want to dance with me, I'll godge my eyes off with a cocktail fork.

Maggie: Oh, I'm sorry I promised this dance to Dwight?But here.Thank you for getting me away from that guy.We can stop anytime you like.

Man: Okay.

Maggie: You can dance.

Man: Well yeah this is just a regular PE.

Luke: I washed all the sheets vacuumed the mattresses and bock springs.

Mike: Good.

Luke: Hey where's Ben?

Mike: I think he is upstairs scrubbing everything that hasn't been nailed down.

Luke: Ah, you've known Ben longer than I have, I mean I'm glad that he's doing all the work but does he always get carried away like this?

Ben: Who gave you guys the day off?There's work to be done.

Mike: Well have mercy on us rubber man, I think we're finished.

Ben: Oh really?I'll be the judge of that, let's go to the big board, there's no check box next to stuffed animals.

Luke: Mike and I put them in plastic bags to starve the lice your rubberness.

Ben: What is this, some kind of joke to you guys?This is my life here, I'm trying to deal with a major health crisis and I'm sure dad will back me on this

Jason: Ben, take off that outfit, you look like a bathtub stopper.

Mike: Dad come on will you tell the Lord of latex here that we're done.

Ben: I'm sorry dad but we are not done until the cootie board says, oooo we're done!

Jason: Good, I'm going out, Mike I'm gonna leave you in charge of the others.

Mike: Okay, it's always nice to know I am your first choice dad.

Jason: You weren't, Carol's out and Chrissy is too short.

Mike: Where are you going?

Jason: Oh I have some unfinished business to take care of, I'll call you guys in a couple of hours.

Mike: Okay, See yah.

Jason: Bye.

Luke: I don't know about you guys but I'm watching the all girls tractor pudding.

Ben and Mike: Alright.

Mike: Chrissy, do you want anything done?

Chrissy: Nothing's for Mr.Blow Hole as a cheeses sandwich.

Mike: Mr.who?

Ben: What's Mr.Blow Hole doing out of the plastic bag?

Chrissy: I took him out this morning.

Luke: You what?

Chrissy: Don't you remember?Ben said whales don't get lice.

Mike: Chrissy Chrissy please tell me you didn't dray Mr.Blow Hole all over the house?

Chrissy: I didn't.

Mike: Ah, Thank Goodness.

Chrissy: Mr.Blow Hole was scared of the basement.

Luke: Chrissy!!!

Ben: That does it we have to clean the whole house all over again.

Mike: Ben, Ben just stay calm.

Ben: I am calm.

Chrissy: Do you have to shampoo my head again to?

Mike: Not necessarily.

Ben: Chrissy, how would you like to look like Shanado Corner?

Carol: Kind of dark.

Brad: Yeah I've never been here in the night.

Carol: I hope we don't get in trouble.

Brad: I'm already in trouble.

Machine: Get moving slow poke.

Brad: My God carol I thought that was you, so where were we?

Carol: We were kissing.

Brad: Right.

Carol: And I was about to leave.

Brad: Why?We were getting along great.

Carol: No we weren't, you were.

Brad: I don't get it.

Carol: I need somebody who means it when he kisses me and doesn't lie.

Brad: When did I lie?

Carol: You said you've never been in here before, but you knew exactly where the lights were.

Maggie: Come on Dwight the band's gonna play another one.

Dwight: Maggie please, I'm not as young as I used to be.

Carol: You two are great.And Mom, you're amazing!

Maggie: Oh thank you sweetheart and you seem pretty chirper yourself.

Carol: It feels so good to dump a hunk.

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, it's the last dance of the evening .

Maggie: Dwight do you have enough strength for one more Fox Trout?

Dwight: South fill your harvest mood.

Maggie: surprise me.

Jason: May I cut in.

Maggie: Jason,oh honey, what are you doing here?

Jason: Well after we finished dinner I had a craving for something sweet.

Maggie: My Saturday Night Sever is back?

Jason: Oh Something different about you tonight Maggie.

Maggie: There is?...What?

Jason: I don't know it's kind of a sort of a tingly, intense, light sort of super Maggie kinda thing.

Maggie: Thank you.

Jason: (sings) The more I see you.

Maggie: Oh, I can't believe you're here.

Jason: (sings)The more I want you.

Maggie: Praise you Jesus.

Jason: (sings) And some how this feeling just grows and grows, you know the only one for me can only be you.
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x07 - The Kid's Still Got It"}