Fade in

(Curtains being pulled open)

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, its "Up Late with McBain. I'm your announcer Uppen Kupin Fuer Wolfcastle and heeeeres McBain!

(McBain comes out from behind the curtain onto the stage. He waves to crowd and touches hands with band leader.)

McBain: Ya, thank you, ya. That's nice. Let's say hello to my music guy, Zoe.(Crowd applauds, Zoe bows to McBain.) That is some outfit Zoe, it makes you look like a h*m*.(Crowd boos, McBain is startled, he nervously speaks and points to crowd.) Uh, oh...maybe you are all h*m* too.(Crowd boos louder.)

*Transition to Bart and Lisa watching the TV*

Bart:(Annoyed) This is horrible.

Lisa: The Fox network has sunk to a new low.

(Marge enters with the mail.)

Marge: Lisa you got a letter.

Lisa:(excited) It's from my pen pal Anya! (Lisa reads letter, Anya's voice can be heard: "Dear Lisa, As I write this I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and(turns into man's voice) replaced by the benevolent General Thrull. All hail Thrull and his glorious new regime! Sincerly, Little Girl." Lisa moans.)

Marge: You got a letter too bart.(Gives letter to bart. He opens it.)

Bart:(Reads letter out loud.) I'm going to k*ll you.(Bart gasps.)

*Transition to man pricking finger with letter opener.*

(Man writes "DIE BART DIE" with his blood. He also checks off a things to do list with his blood.)

*Transition to Bart and Lisa watching Itchy and Scratchy. Bart looks worried.*

(TV exclaims, "The Itchy and Scratchy Show!" Episode title: Spay Anything.)

(Scratchy walks towards Itchy's Cat Hospital. Scratchy sees sign out front that says, "We pay your pet $75." Scratchy bolts right in. 2 bulldog orderlies grab scratchy and put him on a table. Itchy waves at Scratchy and turns on laser. .(Think of in the Bond movie with the ray g*n.) Scratchy screams. Scratchy extends his tongue and unplugs the power cord. Scratchy breathes a sigh of relief. Itchy runs back in and plugs laser back in and the laser proceeds to cut Scratchy into many pieces.)

(Lisa laughs but Bart does not, he still looks worried. Lisa notices this.)

Lisa:(Worried) Bart what's wrong?

(Homer picks up mail and reads.)

Homer: Oh my god! Someone is trying to k*ll me! Eh!(Relieved)oh wait, its for bart.(Shows letter to all.)

*Transition to kitchen. The death thr*at letters are all layed out over the table.*

Marge:(Pointing to letter not written in blood.) Hmmm, this one is done in different handwriting.

Homer: Oh, uh, I wrote that one after bart some how put this tattoo on my butt.(Tattoo says, "Wide Low." Everyone laughs.)

Bart: But who would want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis the Menace.

Homer: It's probably the person you least suspect.

Lisa:(sarcasticly laughs)That's good dad.

Grandpa: I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit. Its probably that evil Gabbon McCloud or George Gueber Lindsey.

Bart: Grandpa, Matlocks not real.

Grandpa: Neither are my teeth but I can still eat corn on the cob if someone cuts it off and smushes it off into a fine paste. Now that's good eating!

*Transition to school yard.*

(Bart looks paranoid, Milhouse walks over to him.)

Milhouse: I checked around, the girls are calling you "fatty fat fat fat" and Nelson is planing on pulling down your pants, but no one is trying to k*ll ya.

Bart: Ah, that's a relief.(Nelson pulls down Bart's pants from behing. The girls chime in with a chorus of "Fatty fat fat fat.")

*Transition to Bart's room. Radio alarm goes off*

Radio Announcer: Alright, this is dedicated to Bart Simpson with the message, I am coming to k*ll you, slowly and painfully.(Radio plays "Wipeout." Bart pulls covers over face. He goes downstairs where Marge is cutting something.)

Marge:(Pointing scissors at bart.) Bart I'm going to get you!!...(Bart gasps).....some ice cream at the store since I'm saving so much money on diet cola.(She holds up a coupon. Bart dashes outside. As he is walking outside Ned Flanders jumps out in front of him wearing a hand razor glove. Bart gasps.)

Ned: Say your prayers Simpson!(Bart trembles.)........because the schools can't force you like they should.(Ned starts tending to the bushes with the glove. Maude appears.) Maude these new finger razors make hedge trimming as fun as sitting through church!

*Transition to Mrs. Kraboppel's classroom*

Edna: You're going to be my m*rder victim Bart..........in our school production of Lizzie Borden starring Martin Prince as Lizzie!

Martin:(Holding prop axe) 3 whacks with a wet noodle Bart!

*Transition to Police station* (Marge is talking with Chief Wiggum.)

Wiggum: I'd like to help you m'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing thr*at letters.

Marge: I'm pretty sure there is.

Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle.

Lou:(comes over with rule book.)Hey, she's right chief.

Wiggum: Well shut my mouth! It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the puposes of gambling.(Pans to officers doing just that.)Boys, knock it off!

*Transition to Bart's room* (Lisa rushes in)

Lisa: Bart I've figured it out! Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to these years.

Bart: Linda Lavin?

Lisa: No, someone who didn't deserve it. (They go down to kitchen. Lisa dials Moe's.)

Lisa: Hello, Moe. We know your the one behind it so knock it off or we're going to the cops!

Moe:(At Moe's) No, no, I'll take care of it.(Moe bursts into backroom.) Ok it's over, get them out of here!(Moe brakes open a crate, a Panda is inside. Pandas run out of Moe's with Moe shouting, "Alright, undele! undele!)

*Transition to Bart's room window*

Bart: You're out there somewhere, but where? Where!?!(Screen pans towards Springfield State Prison, we go inside a cell window which belongs to the infamous Sideshow Bob. He is writing another death thr*at to Bart in his own blood. He laughs when he is done. Then he starts to write something new.)

Bob: Dear "Life in these United States"...a funny thing happened to me...(Bob collapses.)

Snake: Use a pen Sideshow Bob.

*Transition to Springfield Penitentiary "America's fastest growing prison."*

(Parole board. Middle board member knocks on table with gavel. Snake stands before them.)

M. board member: Parole granted. (Snake walks away.) Next up for parole, Bob Tewillager, AKA Sideshow Bob. (Bob enters, he stops to talk to Snake.)

Bob: Take care Snake, may the next time we meet be under more felicitous circumstances.

Snake: Guh?

Bob: Take care.

Snake: Buh. (Parole board meeting for bob starts. Chief Wiggum testifies.)

Wiggum: Sideshow bob has no decency. He called me Chief "Piggum." (Courtroom laughs. Wiggum laughs.) Now I get it. (Laughs again) That's good. (Selma testifies)

Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to k*ll me on our honeymoon. (courtroom whispers amoungst themselves.)

Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of k*lling her right now? (3 peoples hands go up.)Be honest! (Everyone raises their hands including Patty. The man next to Patty looks at her.)

Patty: Well, she's always leaving the toilet seat up. (Bob goes up to testify.)

Lawyer: Robert, if released would you pose a thr*at to one Bart Simpson?

Bob: Bart Simpson? Ha! The spirited, little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine soaked hell hole.

Left board member: Uhh, we object to the term, "urine-soaked hell hole" when you could of said, "pee-pee-soaked heck hole."

Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.

Lawyer: What about that tattoo on your chest, doesn't it say "DIE BART DIE"?

Bob: No! That's German...for "Die Bart Die" (Courtroom laughs.)

Right board member: No one that speaks German can be a bad man.

M. board member: Parole granted. (Bob leaves penitentary.)

*Transition to movie theater. "Now playing: Ernest goes somewhere cheap."*

(Bob lights up a cigar & starts laughing madly at the movie. The Simpson family is also in the theater.)

Marge:(coughs) That man is so rude.

Homer:(while smoking novelty cigar.) Yeah. (Leans over toward Bob.) If you dont mind were trying to watch the moo(Ernest's head gets stuck in the toilet, homer laughs madly and slaps Bob in the back. Bob turns around.)

Bob: Now really, that's too much!

Bart & Lisa: Ahhhhh!!! Sideshow Bob!!!

Bart:(Pointing at Bob.) You wrote me those letters.

Marge: You awful man, stay away from my son!

Bob: Oh I'll stay away from your son alright, stay away forever.

Homer: Oh no!

Bob: Wait a minute that's no good. (Gets angered at his mistake and walks away. He then comes running back.) Wait I got a good one now! Marge say stay away from my son again.

Marge: No! (Bob cringes in extreme anger.)

*Transition to Simpson's house. The Police have finished "installing" their "security system."

Wiggum:(Plucks string) Now sideshow bob cant get in without me knowing and once a man is in your home anything you do to him is nice and legal.

Homer: Is that so? (Leans out window and calls to Ned.) Oh Flanders, won't you join me in my kitchen? (Homer waits to pounce Ned and pounds his fist into his hand.)

Wiggum: Uh, it doesn't work if you invite them in.

Ned: Hidely Hey!

Homer: Go home.

Ned: Toodly Doo!

*Transition to Nogotiator's office*

Negotiator: Now don't you fret, when I'm through he won't step foot in this town again. I can be very, very persuasive. (Holsters g*n.)

*Transition to bar*

Negotiator:(Whining) Come on, leave town.

Bob: No.

Negotiator: (Still whining) I'll be your friend.

Bob: No.

Negotiator: (Pouting) Oh, you're mean.

*Transition to Evergreen Terrace, right outside of the Simpson's and the Flanders's houses.*

(Bob is driving a van with loudspeakers mounted on the roof.)

Bob: The following neighborhood residents will not be k*lled by me: Ned Flanders, Maude Flanders...

Ned: (Pleased) Isn't that nice.

Bob: ...Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Lisa Simpson, that little baby Simpson, that is all. (Homer bursts into Bart's room.)

Homer: Woo Hoo! Did you hear Bart? He...(Bart looks at him) oh.

*Transition to Witness Relocation Program*

Right FBI Agent: Don't worry Mrs. Simpson we've helped hundreds of people in danger. We'll give you a new name, a new job, new identity.

Homer: (Raising hand) Oooh, I want to be John Elway! (Homer starts day dreaming about being John Elway. The ball is snapped to Homer and he dives over the pile into the endzone.)

Announcer: Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown! Thanks to Elway's Patanent last second magic the final score of Super Bowl XXX is Denver 7, San Francisco 56.

Homer:(Back to reality) Woo Hoo!

Marge: I don't think this is such a good idea.

Homer: This isn't just because of Sideshow Bob it's a chance to turn around all our stinking lives.

Bart: I'll be Gus, the lovable chimney sweep,(in british accent) clean as a whistle, sharp as a thistle, best in all Westminster, yeah!

Homer: Shut up boy.

Left FBI Agent: We have places were your family can hide in peace and security, Cape Feare, Terror Lake, New Horrorfield, Screamville...

Homer: Oooh, Icecreamville!

L FBI Agent: No, screamville. (Homer screams)

R FBI Agent: I'll tell you what sir, from now on you'll be uh, Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. (Homer nods) When I say hello Mr. Thompson you'll say "hi."

Homer: Check.

R FBI Agent: Hello Mr. Thompson(Homer stares blankly at him.).....remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.

Homer: I gotcha.

R FBI Agent: Hello Mr. Thompson(Homer stares blankly at him. Agents look at each other.)

(Much later, the conversation is still going on.)

R FBI Agent: Urrrh, now when I say, "Hello Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot you smile and nod.

Homer: No problem.

R FBI Agent: Hello Mr. Thompson (RFBI presses down on homer's foot.)

Homer: (leans over to LFBI.) I think he's talking to you. (RFBI hits his forehead.)

*Transition to outside Simpson home, Simpsons are about to leave.*

R FBI Agent: Here you go. (Hands Homer the keys to the car.)

Marge: Oooh, what a cute convertable. You guys at the bureau thought of everything.

Lisa: Hey look, the FBI light opera society sings the complete Gilbert & Sullivan. (Simpsons drive away singing the complete Gilbert and Sullivan, Sideshow Bob hides under the car.)

Homer: Lousy speed bumps.(Speed bumps h*t Bob in the head. Homer is drinking coffee) This coffee is too hot. (pours it outside, lands on Bob.) Hey kids wanna drive through that cactus patch?

Bart: Yeah!

Lisa: Yeah!

Bob: No.....

Homer: Two against one!(Homer drives into cactus patch with Bob still inderneath.)

*Transition to what looks like normal Simpson's opening only it is replaced with "The Thompsons" and it zooms in on Terror Lake.*

Homer: Wow! A houseboat, you know the great thing is if you don't like your neighbors you can just pull up the anchor and sail someplace else. (Simpsons, er, Thompsons laugh, other houseboats quickly sail away. Thompsons go into houseboat, Bob rolls out from under the car battered and bruised. He gets up and he steps on a rake and it hits him in the face. He turns another direction and is h*t in the face by another rake. Continues to happen over and over and over again.

*Transition to inside the houseboat.*

Marge: Homer, where's the dog?

Homer: I tied him up out back. (While tied to a post, the dog is shown swimming in the lake.)

Marge: <sigh> We've left it all behind. How can you make a clean brake with your life?

Homer: Relax Marge, I tied up all the loose ends before we left.

*Transition to "old" Simpson home. Grandpa is knocking on the door.*

Grandpa: Hello? Hello!?! You have my pills! I'm cold and there are wolves after me. (Wolf howls can be heard in the distance.)

*Transition to Bart walking down a sidewalk. A car drives up along side of him.*

Bob: Hello Bart.

Bart: Ahhhh! (Looks over and sees an old lady.)

Bob: Down here Bart. (Bart looks down and Bob is underneath the car. He unstraps himself but is h*t in the head by the car's bumper as it pulls away.)

Bart: What do you want!?

Bob: Surely theres no harm in laying in the middle of a public street. (Just then a marching band appears and marches on Bob, they are then followed by numerous elephants who each trample Bob.)

*Transition to houseboat. Homer is busy drinking a duff. Bart rushes in.*

Bart: Mom! Dad! I saw Sideshow Bob and he thr*at to k*ll me!

Homer: Bart! Don't interrupt!

Marge: Homer this is serious!

Homer: Oh, it is not.

*Transition to Bates Motel. There is a vacancy.*

Bob: (Writing plan) Roman numeral three: Surprise boy in bed (sips tea) and, uh,...disembowel him!...No, I dont like that "bowel" thing there. Gut him! Le mot Juste! (kisses his plan.)

*Transition to Bart's cabin*

(Bart is tossing and turning in bed. His door opens and he wakes. Someone is entering with a butcher's Kn*fe. Bart sits up in bed. The person rushes in, it is Homer.)

Homer: BART YOU WANT SOME BROWNIES BEFORE YOU GOTO BED!!!!

Bart: Aaaahhhhhhhh!!!!

Homer: C'mon, let me cut you a brownie while there still hot.

Bart: <sigh of relief> Dad, I'm kinda edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a buthcer's Kn*fe.

Homer: Why? Oh, haha, the Sideshow Bob thing. I'm sorry boy.(He leaves. Bart settles down again. Homer then burst through the door wearing a hockey mask and wielding a chainsaw.)

Homer: BART!! YOU WANNA SEE MY NEW CHAINSAW AND HOCKEY MASK!!!! (Bart screams and looks like he is going to die from fear.) Oh, sorry, What am I thinking?

*Transition to outside houseboat. Bob climbs up onto the deck. He walks foward and is once again h*t in the face by another rake. He throws it aside. He cuts the rope keeping the boat at the docks and the boat begins to drift.)

*Transiton to Bart's cabin. The door is opened, Bart wakes.*

Bob: Hello, Bart! (Approaches Bart)

Bart: Mom! Dad!

Bob: Your family can't help you now.

*Transition showing rest of family tied up. Homer is knocked out cold.*

Homer: <snore>

Lisa: Oh no! Dads been drugged!

Marge:(annoyed) No he hasn't!

*Transition back to Bart's cabin.*

(Bart escapes through the window just as Bob's short sword (kind of.) almost hits him. Bart runs to the front of the boat to escape but is greeted by a hungry alligator.)

Bart: Uh oh! (He runs to the back to escape bt there are electric eels there.) ewwoooh!(He runs back to the front just to see the gator again.) Oh yeah...(Bart is trapped.)

Bob: Well Bart, any last requests? (Walks toward Bart.)

Bart: Well,...there is one, but(Looks at distance to Springfield sign.)...Nah...

Bob: No, go on.

Bart:You have such a beautiful voice.

Bob: Guilty as charged.

Bart: Uh huh. Anyway, I was wondering if you could sing the entire score of the HMS Pinnafore.

Bob: Very well Bart. I shall send you to heaven before I send you to hell. (Grabs Bart and seats him. Bob sings the entire score to the HMS Pinnafore, which takes awhile of course. When he finishes he receives flowers and Bart gives him a standing ovation. Bob draws his sword (Which has now transformed into a saber.0_o)

Bob: And now for the final curtain. (Just as Bob is about to strike the boat hits the shore and Bob losses his balance and falls against the railing. g*n cocking sounds are heard, the Springfield police are there.)

Wiggum: Hold it right there Sideshow Bob. You're under arrest.

Bob: By Lucifer's beard!

Wiggum: Uh yeah, it's a good thing you drifted by this brothel.

*Transition to later that day.*

Bart: I knew I had to buy some time so I asked him to sing the score from the HMS Pinnafore.

Homer: Oooh, a fiendishly clever intricacy. (In other words he said it was a great plan.)

Bart: (Looks over at cops.) Take him away boys.

Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away toys.

Lou: What you say chief?

Wiggum: Do what the kid said.

*Transition to outside the old Simpson home*

Marge: It's so good to be home again. (Grandpa or should I say "Grandma" runs up to the car.)

Grandpa: Look what happened without my pills!!

Marge: Huh!?! Bart run upstairs and get Grandpa's medicine! (Jasper walks over to Grandpa.)

Jasper: Not so fast. I want to court this fair young lady.(Grandpa blushes)

Grandpa: There's something you should know about me.

Jasper: I've got (Sounds like, "steel lady tickets.")

Grandpa: I'm all yours! (Kisses Jasper.)

Fade to black.
{"type": "series", "show": "The Simpsons", "episode": "05x02 - Cape Feare"}