Cat: You know what your problem is, kid?

I was in a horrible car accident?

Cat: Yes. Yes, that's correct.

Glenn: Hey, kid.

Next time, don't take a car. Take a helicopter.

[ Laughs ]

Cat: You know what your problem is, Glenn?

Glenn: That this kid doesn't think helicopters are funny?

Cat: Yes, that's right.

Glad that everybody knows what their problem is here.

Glenn: [ Laughs ]

5.10 - Blaken

Sy: Live via satellite from Osaka, Japan, it's "Paging Doctor Maestro" with your host, Dr. Owen Maestro!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Owen: Thank you, and welcome to the show.

I'm Doctor Owen Maestro.

Does anyone here have any questions for me, the Doctor?

Yes, sir.

Does this lump look like anything to you?

Owen: Uh, right here on your neck?

Yeah, right there.

Owen: Uh, yeah.

That's, uh... that's not good.

I would definitely get that looked at by your primary care physician.

Oh, okay.

Owen: Any other questions?

Um, does this lump look like anything?

Owen: Let's take a look.

Ay, ay, ay.

[ Gasps ]

Owen: Um, geez...

Oh.

Um, yeah. That's... That's something you should get looked at.

Okay.

Owen: Are there any other questions at all?

Okay, is this about a lump?

Yeah, no.

We'll be right back, right after this.

[ Applause ]

Sy: Coming up, a hypnotist teaches Dr. Maestro some tricks.

Six, five, and you're under.

Sy: And funnyman Howie Mandel talks about what it's like to lose your mind.

Sy: Attention, staff.

Dr. Maestro's TV-show taping is in progress.

Please hold all live-amm*nit*on training until 11:00.

Blake: [ Whistling ]

[ Muffled ] Aah!

Hey! What? Ow!

Oh, the old "kidnap the clown" routine.

[ Grunts ]

Oh, okay, using real g*n.

Nice touch.

Aah!

Valerie, I know it's you.

Only your hands are this rough.

Whoa!

Okay, I'm starting to think this is a real kidnapping, which makes it a lot less funny... to me.

[ Tires squeal ]

Owen: Sy, any word from the network back home?

Sy: Yes, yes.

We got a phone call.

They said they're gonna cancel the show if the ratings don't go up.

No big deal.

Owen: That is a very big deal, Sy.

Sy: Excuse me, Mister.

Your show has never been about ratings.

It's about an American doctor overseas, dispensing medical wisdom via satellite.

If they don't want to view something like that, it is their problem.

Owen: I think that's our problem.

Sy: You just let me be the producer, okay?

You be the best Dr. Maestro you can be.

Owen: Okay, but I really think we need to figure out this ratings thing.

Blake: [ Panting ]

[ Dialing ]

Come on, Chief. Come on!

[ Cellphone rings ]

Chief: Oh.

[ Groans ]

[ Beep ]

Hello?

Blake: Chief! Chief!

It's Blake. Listen, I've been kidnapped.

Chief: Oh! Just kidding.

I'm not here right now to take your call.

Leave me a message.

[ Beep ]

Blake: [ Laughs ]

Wow! You totally got me. That was clever.

Listen, super urgent message...

End of message. Thank you. Goodbye.

[ Beep ]

Blake: Damn it!

Hey, all, mail call!

Chief: Hey!

My main man, the mailman!

Where's the beef, Chief?

Chief: [ Laughs ]

Anything for me, man?

Oh, no, sorry. Not today, Chief.

You missing home?

Chief: Oh, yeah.

I'm so homesick, I could eat a house.

It's amazing... With all this mail, not one piece for you.

Chief: [ Chuckles ]

See you, Chief.

Chief: [ Chuckles ]

Blake: Come on, Cat. Pick up!

[ Cellphone vibrating ]

[ Beep ]

Cat: [ Scoffs ]

If this is Blake calling, I love you and I would do anything for you.

Kidding! If you call me, I will totally throw away my phone.

[ Beep ]

Blake: Hey-ey...

No, no, no.

Chief: Oh, I'm so excited to read this letter addressed to someone else!

Dear Dr. Maestro, I love your show.

I've seen every episode.

Does this lump look like anything to you?

[ Applause ]

Owen: Folks, I want to do something today that we've never done on the show before.

Every one of you is gonna get a very special gift!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Really?

Okay.

I'm sorry I brought that up.

We don't have gifts for you.

[ All groan ]

What I'm going to do instead of giving away gifts is take some calls.

Caller number one, are you there?

Yeah, hi. Does this lump look like anything?

Sy: You people with your lumps.

Cat: Time of death... 2:40.

Glenn: Don't you mean "too farty?"

[ Laughs ]

[ Fart ]

I put a speaker on there. Listen to this.

[ Fart ]

[ Laughter ]

Fartcopter.

[ Farting ]

Hey, Fartcopter, you had too much Mexican food!

[ Fart ]

[ Laughs ]

Owen: Okay, next caller.

Blake: Owen! Oh, thank God!

What, is everybody in surgery or something?

No one has been picking up their phone... No one!

Owen: Blake, what are you doing calling in the middle of my show?

Blake: [ Panting ] All right, listen.

I've been kidnapped.

I escaped.

Owen: What?!

Blake: But I'm hiding.

They're gonna find me, Owen. And they're gonna find me.

Owen: Okay, Blake, listen to me.

I'm gonna record this on my tiny tape recorder.

Leave your phone underneath the bed.

You're gonna have three, maybe four seconds to shout out specific details about these people.

Do you understand?

Blake: [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Footsteps ]

[ Door closes ]

Blake: Oh, they left. It's totally cool.

So sorry to bug you during your show, man.

[ Screams ]

Oh, there's three men! They're all wearing shirts!

Owen: Of course, they're wearing shirts! Everyone wears a shirt!

Blake: One of them is blue. Look for a guy with a blue...

No, no, no! Wait! Green!

Owen: What do you mean?! Like a sea foam or a sky blue?

Blake: Teal! It's like a light blue!

[ Screams ]

Owen: Blake? Blake!

Blake: What do you call it when a color is like a softer tone?

Oh, oh! It's... it's pastel!

It's pastel!

Owen!

Owen: Hello?

[ Grunts ]

Owen: Hello?

[ Breathing heavily ]

Owen: Okay, you listen to me.

I don't know who you are, and I don't know what you want.

If you're looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills.

Sy: Offer money.

Owen: No, forget that. I do have money, okay?

I have a lot of money. I'm a doctor on TV.

But if you want some of this money, you got to give me something, something that I can use, something like... I don't know... horseback-riding lessons or, like, a jet ski.

[ Chuckles ]

Sy: The clown.

Owen: No, forget that!

I'll give you the money, you give me the clown.

How does that sound?

We'll be in touch. [ Click ]

Owen: Sy, we're going after Blake.

Get a camera.

Sy: I'm ready!

[ Engine turns over ]

Blake: What do you call it when a color is like a softer tone?

Owen: Where are they hiding you, Blake?

Where?

Dear Sy Mittleman, if you ever want to see the clown again, leave a million dollars in a briefcase on pier 7 next to the Osaka Riverside Hotel.

[ Beep ]

[ Cellphone rings ]

Sy: Yello?

Chief: Sy, Blake's been kidnapped!

Sy: No [ bleep ] Sherlock!

Chief: No, Sy. It's Chief!

Sy: Hi, Chief.

Wow, do you sound like my best friend, Sherlock.

Chief: Oh, you don't say?

Owen: Ask her if she knows any kidnappers that wear pastels.

Chief: Sy, they want to make a drop at the Riverside Hotel.

Sy: Riverside?

We're headed in the opposite direction completely.

Bye-bye!

[ Beep ]

Owen: Riverside?

There's a couple Russian dudes that hold a bimonthly sex-sl*ve auction right near there.

Sy, looks like we're going to a sex-sl*ve auction.

Sy: Second time this month.

[ Tires screech ]

[ g*n ]

[ Spectators murmur ]

Owen: Hey, man!

[ Grunts ]

[ Crack ]

[ Spectators murmur ]

Sy: I am so sorry, sir.

Our next item is a healthy, male clown.

Blake: Which one of you guys gave me the heroin?

Particularly feminine hips on this one.

We'll start the bidding at 4,000 yen.

Blake: Only thing bad about heroin is the puking.

Other than that, a-okay!

Owen: All right, you perverts!

Nobody move!

[ g*n cocking ]

Oh, oh, oh.

Didn't think you guys would have g*n, too.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay, I surrender.

My hands are going up. Look at my hands.

I'm counting down from seven, six, five, and you're under.

[ Clattering ]

Whew. That worked.

Blake! Wake up!

Owen: Come on. I'm getting you out of here.

We don't have much time.

Blake: Do you have any heroin?

Sy: I'll see you later, boys.

[ Applause ]

[ Cheering ]

Owen: Folks, as you just saw on live TV, I just rescued my friend Dr. Blake Downs!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Have a seat.

Blake: I'm on a lot of heroin right now.

Owen: I know you are, buddy.

Sy: You're gonna pick us up for another year?

Owen: So, let's get back into it.

[ Farting ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Farting ]

Is this what you like?! Fartcopter?!

[ Farting ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Sy: Scratch that, Mike. Have I got a show for you.

Owen: You want me and Fartcopter every week?

[ Farting ]

Sy: How about... just Fartcopter?

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Farting ]

Glenn: Farts are funny.

[ Laughs ]

Coming up on this season of "Fartcopter"...

The nation's capital gets a dose of copter farts.

Fartcopter reviews the new Tyler Perry movie.

[ Farting ]

Endangered animals... endangered of copter farts.

[ Fart ]

And kids seem to be falling in love with Fartcopter.

[ Farting ]
{"type": "series", "show": "Childrens Hospital", "episode": "05x10 - Blaken"}