( Russian Balalaika music plays )

( Man shouts commands )

Holmes: Just tell me what happened, from the beginning.

Berwick: We'd been to a bar – a nice place – and, er, I got chattin' with one of the waitresses, and Karen weren't 'appy with that, so... when we get back to the 'otel, we end up havin' a bit of a ding-dong, don't we?

Berwick: ( Sighs ) She was always gettin' at me, sayin' I weren't a real man.

Holmes: Wasn't a real man.

Berwick: What?

Holmes: It's not "weren't", it's "wasn't".

Berwick: Oh.

Holmes: Go on.

Berwick: Well, then I dunno how it happened, but suddenly there's a Kn*fe in my hands. And, you know, me old man was a butcher, so I know how to handle knives.

Berwick: He learned us how to cut up a beast.

Holmes: Taught.

Berwick: What?

Holmes: Taught you how to cut up a beast.

Berwick: Yeah, well, then-then I done it.

Holmes: Did it.

Berwick: ( Shouts ) Did it! s*ab her... over and over and over, and I looked down and she weren't...

Berwick: ..wasn't movin' no more.

Berwick: ..any more.

Berwick: You've gotta help me. I dunno how it happened, but it was an accident. I swear.

Berwick: You've gotta help me, Mr. Holmes!

Berwick: Everyone says you're the best. Without you, I'll get hung for this.

Holmes: No, no, no, Mr. Berwick, not at all.

Holmes: Hanged, yes.

Season 1 Episode 3

The Great Game

Original air date on August 8, 2010

( Two g*n )

( Door opens )

( Inhales )

( Door shuts )

( Sighs )

( g*n )

Watson: What the hell are you doing?

Holmes: Bored.

Watson: What?

Holmes: Bored!

Watson: No...

Holmes: Bored! Bored!

Holmes: Don't know what's got into the criminal classes. Good job I'm not one of them.

Watson: So you take it out on the wall.

Holmes: Ah, the wall had it coming.

Watson: What about that Russian case?

Holmes: Belarus. Open and shut domestic m*rder. Not worth my time.

Watson: Ah, shame!

Watson: Anything in? I'm starving.

Watson: Oh, f...

Watson: ( Whispers ) It's a head.

Watson: A severed head!

Holmes: Just tea for me, thanks.

Watson: No, there's a head in the fridge.

Holmes: Yes.

Watson: A bloody head!

Holmes: Well, where else was I supposed to put it?

Holmes: You don't mind, do you?

Holmes: I got it from Bart's morgue.

Holmes: I'm measuring the coagulation of saliva after death.

Holmes: I see you've written up the taxi driver case.

Watson: Er... yes.

Holmes: "A Study in Pink." Nice!

Watson: Well, you know, pink lady, pink case, pink phone. There was a lot of pink. Did you like it?

Holmes: Um... no.

Watson: Why not? I thought you'd be flattered.

Holmes: Flattered? "Sherlock sees through everything and everyone in seconds. What's incredible, though, is how spectacularly ignorant he is about some things."

Watson: Now hang on a minute. I didn't mean that in a...

Holmes: Oh, you meant "spectacularly ignorant" in a nice way! Look, it doesn't matter to me who's Prime Minister...

Watson: I know...

Holmes: ..or who's sleeping with who...

Watson: Whether the Earth goes round the Sun...

Holmes: Not that again. It's not important.

Watson: Not impor...?!

Watson: It's primary school stuff. How can you not know that?

Holmes: Well, if I ever did, I've deleted it.

Watson: "Deleted it"?

Holmes: Listen. This is my hard drive, and it only makes sense to put things in there that are useful... really useful.

Holmes: Ordinary people fill their heads with all kinds of rubbish, and that makes it hard to get at the stuff that matters. Do you see?

Watson: But it's the solar system!

Holmes: Oh, hell! What does that matter?!

Holmes: So we go round the Sun! If we went round the Moon, or round and round the garden like a teddy bear, it wouldn't make any difference. All that matters to me is the work. Without that, my brain rots.

Holmes: Put that in your blog. Or better still, stop inflicting your opinions on the world!

( Door opens and shuts )

Holmes: Where are you going?

Watson: Out. I need some air.

Watson: 'Scuse me, Mrs...

Mrs Hudson: Oh, sorry, love! ( Chuckles )

Watson: Sorry.

Mrs Hudson: Ooh-ooh!

Mrs Hudson: Have you two had a little domestic?

Mrs Hudson: Ooh, it's a bit nippy out there. He should have wrapped himself up a bit more.

Holmes: Look at that, Mrs Hudson. Quiet, calm, peaceful. ( Sighs ) Isn't it hateful?

Mrs Hudson: Oh, I'm sure something'll turn up, Sherlock. A nice m*rder – that'll cheer you up.

Holmes: Can't come too soon.

Mrs Hudson: Hey. What've you done to my bloody wall?!

Mrs Hudson: I'm putting this on your rent, young man!

( expl*si*n booms )

( Car alarm beeps )

( Groaning )

Sarah: Morning!

Watson: Oh, mor... Morning.

Sarah: See? Told you you should've gone with the lilo.

Watson: No, no, no, it's fine. I-I slept fine.

It's very kind of you.

Sarah: Well, maybe next time I'll let you kip at the end of my bed, you know.

Watson: What about the time after that?

Newsreader: Experts are hailing it as the artistic find of the century.

Newsreader: The last time...

Sarah: So, d'you want some breakfast?

Watson: Love some.

Sarah: Yeah, well you'd better make it yourself, 'cause I'm gonna have a shower!

Newsreader: ..it fetched over twenty million pounds.

Newsreader: This one is anticipated to do even better. Back now to our main story. There's been a massive expl*si*n in central London.

Newsreader: As yet, there are no reports of any casualties, and the police are unable to say if there is any suspicion of t*rror1st involvement.

Watson: Sarah!

Newsreader: Police have issued an emergency number...

Watson: Sarah!

Newsreader: ..for friends and relatives...

Watson: Sorry! I've got to run!

Watson: 'Scuse me, can I get through? 'Scuse me.

Watson: Can I go through?

Watson: I live over there.

( Door bangs )

Watson: Sherlock. Sherlock!

( Pizzicato note )

Holmes: John.

Watson: I saw it on the telly. Are you okay?

Holmes: Hmm? What? Oh, yeah. Fine. Gas leak, apparently.

( Pizzicato note )

Holmes: I can't.

Mycroft: "Can't"?

Holmes: The stuff I've got on is just too big. I can't spare the time.

Mycroft: Never mind your usual trivia. This is of national importance.

( Pizzicato note )

Holmes: How's the diet?

Mycroft: Fine. Perhaps you can get through to him, John.

Watson: What?

Mycroft: I'm afraid my brother can be very intransigent.

Holmes: If you're so keen, why don't you investigate it?

Mycroft: No, no, no, no, no. I can't possibly be away from the office for any length of time – not with the Korean elections so...

Mycroft: Well, you don't need to know about that, do you?

Mycroft: Besides, a case like this – it requires... legwork.

( Plucks note )

Holmes: How's Sarah, John? How was the lilo?

Mycroft: Sofa, Sherlock. It was the sofa.

Holmes: Oh yes, of course.

Watson: How...? Oh, never mind.

Mycroft: Sherlock's business seems to be booming since you and he became... pals.

Mycroft: What's he like to live with? Hellish, I imagine.

Watson: I'm never bored.

Mycroft: Good! That's good, isn't it?

Mycroft: Andrew West, known as Westie to his friends.

Mycroft: A civil servant, found d*ad on the tracks at Battersea Station this morning with his head smashed in.

Watson: Jumped in front of a train?

Mycroft: Seems the logical assumption.

Watson: But...?

Mycroft: "But"?

Watson: Well, you wouldn't be here if it was just an accident.

Mycroft: The MoD is working on a new m*ssile defence system, the Bruce-Partington Program, it's called.

Mycroft: The plans for it were on a memory stick.

Watson: ( Chuckles ) That wasn't very clever.

Mycroft: It's not the only copy.

Watson: Oh.

Mycroft: But it is secret. And missing.

Watson: Top secret?

Mycroft: Very. We think West must have taken the memory stick. We can't possibly risk it falling into the wrong hands.

Mycroft: You've got to find those plans, Sherlock. Don't make me order you.

Holmes: I'd like to see you try.

Mycroft: Think it over.

Mycroft: Goodbye, John.

Mycroft: See you very soon.

( Repeats notes rapidly )

( Footsteps fade )

Watson: Why'd you lie?

( Door shuts )

Watson: You've got nothing on – not a single case. That's why the wall took a pounding. Why did you tell your brother you were busy?

Holmes: Why shouldn't I?

Watson: Oh! Oh, I see.

Watson: Sibling rivalry. Now we're getting somewhere.

( Mobile phone rings )

Holmes: Sherlock Holmes.

Holmes: Of course. How could I refuse?

Holmes: Lestrade. I've been summoned. Coming?

Watson: If you want me to.

Holmes: Of course.

Holmes: I'd be lost without my blogger.

Lestrade: You like the funny cases, don't you? The surprising ones.

Holmes: Obviously.

Lestrade: You've love this. That expl*si*n...

Holmes: Gas leak, yes?

Lestrade: No.

Holmes: No?

Lestrade: No. Made to look like one.

Watson: What?

Lestrade: Hardly anything left of the place except a strong box – a very strong box and inside it was this.

Holmes: You haven't opened it?

Lestrade: It's addressed to you, isn't it?

Lestrade: We've X-rayed it. It's not booby-trapped.

Holmes: How reassuring!

Holmes: Nice stationery. Bohemian.

Lestrade: What?

Holmes: From the Czech Republic. No fingerprints?

Lestrade: No.

Holmes: She used a fountain pen. A Parker Duofold, iridium nib.

Watson: "She"?

Holmes: Obviously.

Watson: Obviously!

Watson: But that... That's the phone. The pink phone.

Lestrade: What, from the Study in Pink?

Holmes: Well, obviously it's not the same phone but it's supposed to look like...

Holmes: The Study in Pink? You read his blog?

Lestrade: Course I read his blog! We all do. D'you really not know that the Earth goes round the Sun?

( She sniggers )

Holmes: It isn't the same phone. This one's brand new.

Holmes: Someone's gone to a lot of trouble to make it look like the same phone, which means your blog has a far wider readership.

Voice Alert: You have one new message.

( Five greenwich time signal pips )

Watson: Is that it?

Holmes: No. That's not it.

( Phone beeps )

Lestrade: What the hell are we supposed to make of that? An estate agent's photo and the bloody Greenwich pips!

Holmes: It's a warning.

Watson: A warning?

Holmes: Some secret societies used to send dried melon seeds, orange pips, things like that. Five pips. They're warning us it's gonna happen again.

Holmes: And I've seen this place before.

Watson: H-hang on. What's gonna happen again?

Holmes: Boom!

Holmes: Mrs Hudson!

Mrs Hudson: You had a look, didn't you, Sherlock, when you first came to see about your flat.

Holmes: The door's been opened recently.

Mrs Hudson: No, can't be. That's the only key.

Mrs Hudson: I can't get anyone interested in this flat. It's the damp, I expect. That's the curse of basements.

Mrs Hudson: I had a place once when I was first married. Black mould all up the walls...

Mrs Hudson: Oh! Men!

Watson: Shoes.

Watson: He's a b*mb, remember.

( Mobile phone rings )

( Softly ) Hello.

( Ragged breathing over phone )

Holmes: Hello?

Woman's voice: H-hello... sexy.

Holmes: Who's this?

( Woman sobs )

Woman's voice: I've... sent you... a little puzzle... just to say hi.

Holmes: Who's talking? Why are you crying?

( Woman cries )

Woman's voice: I-I'm not... crying... I'm typing...

Woman: ..and this... stupid... bitch... is reading it out.

Holmes: The curtain rises.

Watson: What?

Holmes: Nothing.

Watson: No, what did you mean?

Holmes: I've been expecting this for some time.

Woman: Twelve hours to solve... my puzzle, Sherlock...

Woman: ..or I'm going... to be... so naughty.

Watson: So, who d'you suppose it was?

Holmes: Hmm?

Watson: The woman on the phone – the crying woman.

Holmes: Oh, she doesn't matter. She's just a hostage. No lead there.

Watson: For God's sake, I wasn't thinking about leads.

Holmes: You're not going to be much use to her.

Watson: Are-are they trying to trace it, trace the call?

Holmes: The b*mb's too smart for that.

( Mobile beeps )

Holmes: Pass me my phone.

Watson: Where is it?

Holmes: Jacket.

Holmes: Careful.

Watson: Text from your brother.

Holmes: Delete it.

Watson: Delete it?

Holmes: m*ssile plans are out of the country now. Nothing we can do about it.

Watson: Well, Mycroft thinks there is. He's texted you eight times. Must be important.

Holmes: Then why didn't he cancel his dental appointment?

Watson: His what?

Holmes: Mycroft never texts if he can talk. Look, Andrew West stole the m*ssile plans, tried to sell them, got his head smashed in for his pains. End of story. The only mystery is this: why is my brother so determined to bore me when somebody else is being so delightfully interesting?

Watson: Try and remember there's a woman here who might die.

Holmes: What for?

Holmes: This hospital's full of people dying, Doctor. Why don't you go and cry by their bedside and see what good it does them?

( Computer beeps )

Holmes: Ah!

Molly: Any luck?

Holmes: Oh, yes!

Moriarty: Oh, sorry. I didn't...

Molly: Jim! Hi!

Molly: Come in! Come in!

Molly: Jim, this is Sherlock Holmes.

Moriarty: Ah!

Molly: And, uh... sorry.

Watson: John Watson. Hi.

Moriarty: Hi.

Moriarty: So you're Sherlock Holmes. Molly's told me all about you. You on one of your cases?

Molly: Jim works in I.T. upstairs. That's how we met. Office romance.

( Jim chuckles )

Holmes: Gay.

Molly: Sorry, what?

Holmes: Nothing. Um, hey.

Moriarty: Hi.

( Clattering )

Moriarty: Sorry. Sorry!

Moriarty: Well, I'd better be off. I'll see you at the Fox, 'bout six-ish?

Molly: Yeah!

Moriarty: 'Bye.

Molly: 'Bye.

Moriarty: It was nice to meet you.

Watson: You too.

( Door opens )

Molly: What d'you mean, gay? We're together.

Holmes: And domestic bliss must suit you, Molly. You've put on three pounds since I last saw you.

Molly: Two and a half.

Holmes: Nuh, three.

Watson: Sherlock...

Molly: He's not gay. Why d'you have to spoil...? He's not.

Holmes: With that level of personal grooming?

Watson: Because he puts a bit of product in his hair? I put product in my hair.

Holmes: You wash your hair. There's a difference. No-no – tinted eyelashes, clear signs of taurine cream around the frown lines. Those tired clubber's eyes. Then there's his underwear.

Molly: His underwear?

Holmes: Visible above the waistline – very visible; very particular brand.

Holmes: That, plus the extremely suggestive fact that he just left his number under this dish here... and I'd say you'd better break it off now and save yourself the pain.

( Door opens )

Watson: Charming. Well done.

Holmes: Just saving her time. Isn't that kinder?

Watson: "Kinder"? No, no, Sherlock. That wasn't kind.

Holmes: Go on, then.

Watson: Mmm?

Holmes: You know what I do. Off you go.

Watson: No.

Holmes: Go on.

Watson: I'm not gonna stand here so you can humiliate me while I try and disseminate...

Holmes: An outside eye, a second opinion. It's very useful to me.

Watson: Yeah, right!

Holmes: Really.

Watson: Fine. ( Clears throat )

Watson: I dunno, they're just a pair of shoes. Trainers.

Holmes: Good.

Watson: Umm... they're in good nick. I'd say they were pretty new... except the sole has been well-worn, so the owner must have had them for a while.

Watson: Uh, they're very eighties – probably one of those retro designs.

Holmes: You're on sparkling form. What else?

Watson: Well, they're quite big, so a man's.

Holmes: But...?

Watson: But there's traces of a name inside in felt-tip. Adults don't write their names inside their shoes, so these belonged to a kid.

Holmes: Excellent. What else?

Watson: Uh... that's it.

Holmes: That's it?

Watson: How did I do?

Holmes: Well, John; really well.

Holmes: I mean, you missed almost everything of importance, but, um, you know...

Holmes: The owner loved these. Scrubbed them clean, whitened them where they got discoloured. Changed the laces three... no, four times.

Holmes: Even so, there are traces of his flaky skin where his fingers have come into contact with them, so he suffered from eczema. Shoes are well-worn, more so on the inside, which means the owner had weak arches.

British-made, twenty years old.

Watson: Twenty years?

Holmes: They're not retro, they're original.

Holmes: Limited edition - two blue stripes, nineteen eighty-nine.

Watson: But there's still mud on them. They look new.

Holmes: Someone's kept them that way. Quite a bit of mud caked on the soles. Analysis shows it's from Sussex, with London mud overlaying it.

Watson: How do you know?

Holmes: Pollen. Clear as a map reference to me.

Holmes: South of the river, too. So, the kid who owned these trainers came to London from Sussex twenty years ago and left them behind.

Watson: So what happened to him?

Holmes: Something bad.

Holmes: He loved those shoes, remember. He'd never leave them filthy. Wouldn't leave them go unless he had to. So, a child with big feet gets...

Holmes: Oh.

Watson: What?

Holmes: Carl Powers.

Watson: Sorry, who?

Holmes: Carl Powers, John.

Watson: What is it?

Holmes: It's where I began.

Later, the boys are in the back of a taxi.

Holmes: Nineteen eighty-nine, a young kid – champion swimmer – came up from Brighton for a school sports tournament; drowned in the pool. Tragic accident.

Holmes: You wouldn't remember it. Why should you?

Watson: But you remember.

Holmes: Yes.

Watson: Something fishy about it?

Holmes: Nobody thought so – nobody except me. I was only a kid myself.

I read about it in the papers.

Watson: Started young, didn't you?

Holmes: The boy, Carl Powers, had some kind of fit in the water, but by the time they got him out it was too late. But there was something wrong; something I couldn't get out of my head.

Watson: What?

Holmes: His shoes.

Watson: What about them?

Holmes: They weren't there. I made a fuss; I tried to get the police interested, but nobody seemed to think it was important. He'd left all the rest of his clothes in his locker, but there was no sign of his shoes...

Holmes: ..until now.

( Clock ticks )

( Siren wails in distance )

Watson: Can I help?

Watson: I want to help. There's only five hours left.

( Mobile beeps )

Watson: It's your brother. He's texting me now.

Watson: How does he know my number?

Holmes: Must be a root canal.

Watson: Look, he did say "national importance".

Holmes: How quaint.

Watson: What is?

Holmes: You are. Queen and country.

Watson: You can't just ignore it.

Holmes: I'm not ignoring it. Putting my best man onto it right now.

Watson: Right. Good! ( Clears throat )

Watson: Who's that?

Mycroft: John. How nice. I was hoping you wouldn't be long.

Mycroft: How can I help you?

Watson: Thank you. Um, well, I was wanting to... um, your brother sent me to collect more facts about the stolen plans - the m*ssile plans.

Mycroft: Did he?

Watson: Yes.

Watson: He's investigating now.

Watson: He's, er, investigating away.

Watson: Um, I just wondered what else you can tell me about the d*ad man.

Mycroft: Uh, twenty-seven; a clerk at Vauxhall Cross – er, MI6. He was involved in the Bruce-Partington Programme in a minor capacity. Security checks A-OK; no known t*rror1st affiliations or sympathies...

Mycroft: Last seen by his fiancée at ten thirty yesterday evening.

Westie: Lucy, love, I've gotta go out. I've gotta see someone.

Lucy: Westie!

Watson: Right. He was found at Battersea, yes? So he got on the train.

Mycroft: No.

Watson: What?

Mycroft: He had an Oyster card...

Mycroft: ..but it hadn't been used.

Watson: Must have bought a ticket.

Mycroft: There was no ticket on the body.

Watson: Then...

Mycroft: Then how did he end up with a bashed-in brain on the tracks at Battersea? That is the question – the one I was rather hoping Sherlock would provide an answer to. How's he getting on?

Watson: He-he's fine, yes. Oh, and-and it is going... very well. It's, um, you know – he's completely focussed on it.

( Clock ticks )

Holmes: Poison.

Mrs Hudson: What you going on about?

Holmes: Clostridium botulinum!

Holmes: It's one of the deadliest poisons on the planet!

Holmes: Carl Powers!

Watson: Oh, wait, are you saying he was m*rder?

Holmes: Remember the shoelaces?

Watson: Mmm.

Holmes: The boy suffered from eczema. It'd be the easiest thing in the world to introduce the poison into his medication. Two hours later he comes up to London, the poison takes effect, paralyses the muscles and he drowns.

Watson: What – how-how come the autopsy didn't pick that up?

Holmes: It's virtually undetectable. Nobody would have been looking for it.

Holmes: But there were still tiny traces of it left inside the trainers from where he put the cream on his feet.

Holmes: That's why they had to go.

Watson: So how do we let the b*mb know...

Holmes: Get his attention...

Watson: Mmm-hmm.

Holmes: ..stop the clock.

Watson: The k*ller kept the shoes all these years.

Holmes: Yes. Meaning...

Watson: He's our b*mb.

( Phone rings )

( Sobs )

Woman: Well done, you. Come and get me.

Holmes: Where are you? Tell us where you are.

( Sirens wail )

Lestrade: She lives in Cornwall. Two men broke in wearing masks, forced her to drive to the car park and decked her out in enough expl*sives to take down a house.

Lestrade: Told her to phone you. She had to read out from this pager.

Holmes: And if she deviated by one word, the sn*per would set her off.

Watson: Or if you hadn't solved the case.

Holmes: Oh... Elegant!

Watson: "Elegant"?

Lestrade: But what was the point? Why would anyone do this?

Holmes: Oh... I can't be the only person in the world that gets bored.

( Mobile phone beeps )

Voice Alert: You have one new message.

( Four greenwich time signal pips )

Watson: Four pips.

Holmes: First test passed, it would seem. Here's the second.

( Phone rings )

Holmes: It's abandoned, wouldn't you say?

Lestrade: I'll see if it's been reported.

Donovan: Freak, it's for you.

Holmes: Hello?

Young Man: It's okay that you've gone to the police.

Holmes: Who is this? Is this you again?

Young Man: But don't rely on them.

Young Man: Clever you, guessing about Carl Powers.

Young Man: I never liked him.

( Traffic roars )

Young Man: Carl laughed at me, so I stopped him laughing.

Holmes: And you've stolen another voice, I presume.

Young Man: This is about you and me.

Holmes: Who are you?

Holmes: What's that noise?

Young Man: The sounds of life, Sherlock.

Young Man: But don't worry...

Young Man: ..I can soon fix that.

Young Man: You solved my last puzzle in nine hours. This time you have eight.

( Clock ticks )

Lestrade: Okay... Great.

Lestrade: We've found it.

Lestrade: The car was hired yesterday morning by an Ian Monkford. Banker of some kind; City boy. Paid in cash.

Lestrade: Told his wife he was going away on a business trip, but he never arrived.

Donovan: You're still hanging round him.

Watson: Yeah, well...

Donovan: Opposites attract, I suppose.

Watson: No, we're not...

Donovan: You should get yourself a hobby – stamps, maybe. Model trains.

Safer.

Lestrade: Before you ask, yes, it's Monkford's blood. The DNA checks out.

Holmes: No body.

Donovan: Not yet.

Holmes: Get a sample sent to the lab.

Holmes: Mrs Monkford?

Mrs Monkford: Yes.

Mrs Monkford: Sorry, but I've already spoken with two policemen.

Watson: No, we're not from the police, we're...

Holmes: ( Tearfully ) Sherlock Holmes. Very old friend of your husband's. We, um...

Holmes: ..we grew up together.

Mrs Monkford: I'm sorry, who? I don't think he ever mentioned you.

Holmes: Oh, he must have done. This is... this is horrible, isn't it?

Holmes: I mean, I just can't believe it. I only saw him the other day. Same old Ian – not a care in the world.

Mrs Monkford: Sorry, but my husband has been depressed for months. Who are you?

Holmes: Really strange that he hired a car. Why would he do that? It's a bit suspicious, isn't it?

Mrs Monkford: No, it isn't. He forgot to renew the tax on the car, that's all.

Holmes: Oh, well, that was Ian! That was Ian all over!

Mrs Monkford: No it wasn't.

Holmes: ( Normal voice ) Wasn't it? Interesting.

Mrs Monkford: Who was I talking to?

Watson: Why did you lie to her?

Holmes: People don't like telling you things, but they love to contradict you. Past tense, did you notice?

Watson: Sorry, what?

Holmes: I referred to her husband in the past tense. She joined in. Bit premature – they've only just found the car.

Watson: You think she m*rder her husband?

Holmes: Definitely not. That's not a mistake a m*rder would make.

Watson: I see. No, I don't. What am I seeing?

Donovan: Fishing! Try fishing!

Watson: Where now?

Holmes: Janus Cars.

Holmes: Just found this in the glove compartment.

( Clock ticks )

Ewert: Can't see how I can help you gentlemen.

Watson: Mr. Monkford hired the car from you yesterday.

Ewert: Yeah. Lovely motor. Mazda RX-8. Wouldn't mind one of them myself!

Holmes: Is that one?

Ewert: No, they're all Jags. Yeah, I can see you're not a car man, eh?

Holmes: But, er, surely you can afford one – a Mazda, I mean?

Ewert: Yeah, it's a fair point. But you know how it is: it's like working in a sweetshop. Once you start picking at the liquorice allsorts, when does it all stop, eh?

Watson: But you didn't know Mr. Monkford?

Ewert: No, he was just a client. Came in here and hired one of my cars. No idea what happened to him. Poor sod!

Holmes: Nice holiday, Mr. Ewert?

Ewert: Eh?

Holmes: You've been away, haven't you?

Ewert: Oh, the-the...

Ewert: No, it's, er, sunbeds, I'm afraid, yeah. Too busy to get away. My wife would love it, though – bit of sun.

Holmes: Have you got any change for the cigarette machine?

Ewert: What?

Holmes: Well, I noticed one on the way in and I haven't got any change.

Holmes: I'm gasping.

Ewert: Um, well...

Ewert: Hmm.

Ewert: No, sorry.

Holmes: Oh well. Thank you very much for your time, Mr. Ewert.

Holmes: You've been very helpful. Come on, John.

Watson: I-I've got change if you still want to, uh...

Holmes: Nicotine patches, remember? I'm doing well.

Watson: So what was that all about?

Holmes: I needed to look inside his wallet.

Watson: Why?

Holmes: Mr. Ewert's a liar.

( Phone rings )

Holmes: Hello?

Young Man: The clue's in the name - Janus Cars.

Holmes: Why would you be giving me a clue?

Young Man: Why does anyone do anything? Because I'm bored. We were made for each other, Sherlock.

Holmes: Then talk to me in your own voice.

Young Man: Patience.

( Clock ticks )

Holmes: How much blood was on that seat, would you say?

Lestrade: How much? About a pint.

Holmes: Not 'about'. Exactly a pint. That was their first mistake. The blood's definitely Ian Monkford's but it's been frozen.

Lestrade: Frozen?

Holmes: There are clear signs. I think Ian Monkford gave a pint of his blood some time ago and that's what they spread on the seats.

Watson: Who did?

Holmes: Janus Cars. The clue's in the name.

Watson: The god with two faces.

Holmes: Exactly.

Watson: Mmm.

Holmes: They provide a very special service. If you've got any kind of a problem – money troubles, bad marriage, whatever – Janus Cars will help you disappear. Ian Monkford was up to his eyes in some kind of trouble – financial, at a guess; he's a banker. Couldn't see a way out. But if he were to vanish, if the car he hired was found abandoned with his blood all over the driver's seat...

Watson: So where is he?

Holmes: Colombia.

Lestrade: Colombia?!

Holmes: Mr. Ewert of Janus Cars had a twenty thousand Colombian peso note in his wallet...

Holmes: ..Quite a bit of change, too. He told us he hadn't been abroad recently, but when I asked him about the cars, I could see his tan line clearly.

Holmes: No-one wears a shirt on a sunbed. That, plus his arm.

Lestrade: His arm?

Holmes: Kept scratching it. Obviously irritating him, and bleeding.

Holmes: Why? Because he'd recently had a booster jab. Hep-B, probably. Difficult to tell at that distance. Conclusion: he'd just come back from settling Ian Monkford into his new life in Columbia. Mrs Monkford cashes in the life insurance and she splits it with Janus Cars.

Watson: M-Mrs Monkford?

Holmes: Oh yes. She's in on it too.

Holmes: Now go and arrest them, Inspector. That's what you do best.

Holmes: We need to let our friendly b*mb know that the case is solved.

Holmes: I am on f*re!

( Mobile rings )

Young Man: He says you can come and fetch me. Help. Help me, please.

Holmes: Feeling better?

Watson: Mmm. You realise we've hardly stopped for breath since this thing started?

Watson: Has it occurred to you...?

Holmes: Probably.

Watson: No – has it occurred to you that the b*mb's playing a game with you? The envelope; breaking into the other flat; the d*ad kid's shoes – it's all meant for you.

Holmes: Yes, I know.

Watson: Is it him, then? Moriarty?

Holmes: Perhaps.

( Mobile phone beeps )

( Three pips )

Holmes: That could be anybody.

Watson: Well, it could be, yeah. Lucky for you, I've been more than a little unemployed.

Holmes: How d'you mean?

Watson: Lucky for you, Mrs Hudson and I watch far too much telly.

Connie: Thank you, Tyra! Doesn't she look lovely, everybody, now?

( Mobile phone rings )

Connie: Anyway, speaking of silk purses and sows' ears...

Holmes: Hello?

Old Woman: This one... is a bit... defective. Sorry.

Old Woman: She's blind. This is... a funny one.

Old Woman: I'll give you... twelve hours.

( Clock ticks )

Holmes: Why are you doing this?

Old Woman: I like... to watch you... dance.

( Gasps )

Connie: ..and I see you're back to your bad habits.

News Reader: ..continuing into the sudden death of the popular TV personality, Connie Prince. Miss Prince, famous for her make-over programmes, was found d*ad two days ago by her brother in the house they shared in Hampstead...

Lestrade: Connie Prince, fifty-four. She had one of those make-over shows on the telly. Did you see it?

Holmes: No.

Lestrade: Very popular. She was going places.

Holmes: Not any more. So, d*ad two days. According to one of her staff, Raoul de Santos, she cut her hand on a rusty nail in the garden. Nasty wound.

Holmes: Tetanus bacteria enters the bloodstream, good night, Vienna.

Watson: I suppose.

Holmes: Something's wrong with this picture.

Lestrade: Eh?

Holmes: Can't be as simple as it seems, otherwise the b*mb wouldn't be directing us towards it. Something's wrong.

Holmes: John?

Watson: Mmm.

Holmes: The cut on her hand: it's deep; would have bled a lot, right?

Watson: Yeah.

Holmes: But the wound's clean – very clean, and fresh.

Holmes: How long would the bacteria have been incubating inside her?

Watson: Eight, ten days.

Watson: The cut was made later.

Lestrade: After she was d*ad?

Holmes: Must have been. The only question is, how did the tetanus enter the d*ad woman's system?

Holmes: You want to help, right?

Watson: Of course.

Holmes: Connie Prince's background – family history, everything. Give me data.

Watson: Right.

Lestrade: There's something else that we haven't thought of.

Holmes: Is there?

Lestrade: Yes. Why is he doing this, the b*mb?

Lestrade: If this woman's death was suspicious, why point it out?

Holmes: Good Samaritan.

Lestrade: ..who press-gangs su1c1de b*mb?

Holmes: Bad Samaritan.

Lestrade: I'm – I'm serious, Sherlock. Listen, I'm cutting you slack here, I'm trusting you – but out there somewhere, some poor bastard's covered in Semtex and is just waiting for you to solve the puzzle. So just tell me - what are we dealing with?

Holmes: Something new.

( Clock ticks )

Holmes: Connection, connection, connection. There must be a connection.

Holmes: Carl Powers, k*lled twenty years ago. The b*mb knew him; admitted that he knew him. The b*mb's iPhone was in stationery from the Czech Republic. First hostage from Cornwall; the second from London; the third from Yorkshire, judging by her accent. What's he doing –

working his way round the world? Showing off?

( Mobile phone rings )

Old Woman: You're enjoying this, aren't you? Joining the... dots.

Old Woman: Three hours. ( Clock ticks ) Boom... boom.

( Sobs )

( Phone rings off )

( Clicks phone off )

( Cat miaows )

Kenny: We're devastated. Of course we are.

Raoul: Can I get you anything, sir?

Watson: Er, no. No, thanks.

Kenny: Raoul is my rock. I don't think I could have managed.

Kenny: We didn't always see eye to eye, but my sister was very dear to me.

( Cat miaows )

Watson: And– and to the public, Mr. Prince.

Kenny: Oh, she was adored. I've seen her take girls who looked like the back end of Routemasters and turn them into princesses.

Kenny: Still, it's a relief in a way to know that she's beyond this veil of tears.

( Cat purrs )

Watson: Absolutely.

Holmes: Great. Thank you. Thanks again.

Mrs Hudson: It was a real shame. I liked her. She taught you how to do your colours.

Lestrade: Colours?

Mrs Hudson: You know... what goes best with what. I should never wear cerise, apparently. Drains me.

Lestrade: Who was that?

Holmes: Home Office.

[Good grief – he wasn't after a posh party invite, was he?]

Lestrade: Home Office?

Holmes: Well, Home Secretary, actually. Owes me a favour.

Mrs Hudson: She was a pretty girl but she messed about with herself too much. They all do these days.

Mrs Hudson: People can hardly move their faces. It's silly, isn't it?! ( Laughs )

Mrs Hudson: Did you ever see her show?

Holmes: Not until now.

Connie: You look pasty, love!

Kenny: Ah. Rained every day but one!

Mrs Hudson: That's the brother. No love lost there, if you can believe the papers.

Holmes: So I gather. I've just been having a very fruitful chat with people who loved this show. Fan sites – indispensible for gossip.

Connie: There's really only one thing we can do with that ensemble, don't you think, girls?

Connie: Off, off, off, off, off, off, off!

( Audience joins in chanting )

Watson: It's more common than people think. The tetanus is in the soil, people cut themselves on rose bushes, garden forks, that sort of thing.

If left un...

Watson: ..treated...

Kenny: I don't know what I'm going to do now.

Watson: Right.

Kenny: I mean, she's left me this place, which is lovely...

Kenny: ..but it's not the same without her.

Watson: Th-that's why my paper wanted to get the, um, the full story straight from the horse's mouth. You sure it's not too soon?

Kenny: No.

Watson: Right.

Kenny: You f*re away.

( Cat miaows )

( Mobile phone rings )

Holmes: John.

Watson: Hi. Look, get over here quickly. I think I'm onto something. You'll need to pick up some stuff first. You got a pen?

Holmes: I'll remember.

Watson: That'll be him.

Kenny: What?

Holmes: Ah, Mr. Prince, isn't it?

Kenny: Yes.

Holmes: Very good to meet you.

Kenny: Yes; thank you.

Holmes: So sorry to hear about...

Kenny: Yes, yes, very kind.

Watson: Shall we, er... ( Clears throat )

Watson: You were right. The bacteria got into her another way.

Holmes: Oh yes?

Watson: Yes.

Kenny: Right. We all set?

Watson: Um, yes.

Watson: Can you...?

Kenny: Not too close. I'm raw from crying.

( Cat miaows )

Holmes: Oh, who's this?

Kenny: Sekhmet. Named after the Egyptian goddess.

Holmes: How nice! Was she Connie's?

Kenny: Yes.

Kenny: Little present from yours truly.

Watson: Sherlock? Uh, light reading?

Holmes: Oh, um...

Holmes: Two point eight.

Kenny: Bloody hell. What do you think you're playing at?!

Holmes: Sorry.

Kenny: You're like Laurel and bloody Hardy, you two. What's going on?

Watson: Actually, I think we've got what we came for. Excuse us.

Kenny: What?

Watson: Sherlock.

Holmes: What?

Watson: We've got deadlines.

Kenny: But you've not taken anything!

Watson: ( Laughs ) Yes! Ooh, yes!

Holmes: You think it was the cat. It wasn't the cat.

Watson: What? No, yes. Yeah, it is. It must be. It's how they got the tetanus into her system. Its paws stink of disinfectant.

Holmes: Lovely idea.

Watson: No, he coated it onto the paws of her cat. It's a new pet, bound to be a bit jumpy around her. A scratch is almost inevitable. She wouldn't have...

Holmes: I thought of it the minute I saw the scratches on her arm, but it's too random and too clever for the brother.

Watson: He m*rder his sister for her money.

Holmes: Did he?

Watson: Didn't he?

Holmes: No. It was revenge.

Watson: Revenge? Who wanted revenge?

Holmes: Raoul, the houseboy. Kenny Prince was the butt of his sister's jokes, week in, week out, a virtual bullying campaign. Finally he had enough; fell out with her badly. It's all on the website. She thr*at to disinherit Kenny. Raoul had grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle, so...

Watson: No, wait, wait. Wait a second.

Watson: What about the disinfectant, then, on the cat's claws?

Holmes: Raoul keeps a very clean house. You came through the kitchen door, saw the state of that floor, scrubbed to within an inch of its life. You smell of disinfectant now. No, the cat doesn't come into it.

Holmes: Raoul's Internet records do, though. Hope we can get a cab from here.

( Clock ticks )

Holmes: Raoul de Santos is your k*ller. Kenny Prince's houseboy. Second autopsy shows it wasn't tetanus that poisoned Connie Prince, it was botulinum toxin.

Holmes: We've been here before. Carl Powers? Tut-tut. Our b*mb's repeated himself.

Lestrade: So how'd he do it?

Holmes: Botox injection.

Lestrade: Botox?

Holmes: Botox is a diluted form of botulinum. Among other things, Raoul de Santos was employed to give Connie her regular facial injections. My contact at the Home Office gave me the complete records of Raoul's Internet purchases. He's been bulk ordering Botox for months.

Holmes: Bided his time, then upped the strength to a fatal dose.

Lestrade: You sure about this?

Holmes: I'm sure.

Lestrade: All right – my office.

Watson: Hey, Sherlock. How long?

Holmes: What?

Watson: How long have you known?

Holmes: Well, this one was quite simple, actually, and like I said, the b*mb repeated himself. That was a mistake.

Watson: No, but Sherl... The hostage... the old woman. She's been there all this time.

Holmes: I knew I could save her. I also knew that the b*mb had given us twelve hours. I solved the case quickly; that gave me time to get on with other things. Don't you see? We're one up on him!

( Mobile phone rings )

Holmes: Hello?

Old Woman: Help me.

Holmes: Tell us where you are. Address.

Old Woman: He was so... His voice...

Holmes: No, no, no, no. Tell me nothing about him. Nothing.

Old Woman: He sounded so... soft.

( Dialling tone )

Holmes: Hello?

Lestrade: Sherlock?

Watson: What's happened?

News Reader: The expl*si*n, which ripped through several floors, k*lling twelve people...

Watson: Old block of flats.

News Reader: ..is said to have been caused by a faulty gas main. A spokesman from the utilities company...

Watson: He certainly gets about.

Holmes: Well, obviously I lost that round, although technically I did solve the case.

Holmes: He k*lled the old lady because she started to describe him.

Holmes: Just once, he put himself in the f*ring line.

Watson: What d'you mean?

Holmes: Well, usually, he must stay above it all. He organises these things but no-one ever has direct contact.

Watson: What... like the Connie Prince m*rder – he-he arranged that? So people come to him wanting their crimes fixed up, like booking a holiday?

Holmes: Novel.

Watson: Huh.

Holmes: Taking his time this time.

( Watson clears his throat )

Watson: Anything on the Carl Powers case?

Holmes: Nothing. All the living classmates check out spotless. No connection.

Watson: Maybe the k*ller was older than Carl?

Holmes: The thought had occurred.

Watson: So why's he doing this, then – playing this game with you? D'you think he wants to be caught?

Holmes: I think he wants to be distracted.

Watson: I hope you'll be very happy together.

Holmes: Sorry, what?

Watson: There are lives at stake, Sherlock – actual human lives... Just - just so I know, do you care about that at all?

Holmes: Will caring about them help save them?

Watson: Nope.

Holmes: Then I'll continue not to make that mistake.

Watson: And you find that easy, do you?

Holmes: Yes, very. Is that news to you?

Watson: No. No.

Holmes: I've disappointed you.

Watson: That's good, that's a good deduction, yeah.

Holmes: Don't make people into heroes, John. Heroes don't exist, and if they did, I wouldn't be one of them.

( Mobile phone beeps )

Holmes: Excellent!

Holmes: View of the Thames. South Bank – somewhere between Southwark Bridge and Waterloo.

Holmes: You check the papers; I'll look online...

Holmes: Oh, you're angry with me, so you won't help.

Holmes: Not much cop, this caring lark.

( Siren outside )

Watson: Archway su1c1de.

Holmes: Ten a penny.

Watson: Two kids s*ab in Stoke Newington.

Watson: Ah. Man found on the train line, Andrew West.

Holmes: Nothing!

( Ringing tone )

Holmes: It's me. Have you found anything on the South Bank between Waterloo Bridge and Southwark Bridge?

Lestrade: D'you reckon this is connected, then? The b*mb?

Holmes: Must be. Odd, though... he hasn't been in touch.

Lestrade: But we must assume that some poor bugger's primed to explode, yeah?

Holmes: Yes.

Lestrade: Any ideas?

Holmes: Seven... so far.

Lestrade: Seven?!

Watson: He's d*ad about twenty-four hours – maybe a bit longer. Did he drown?

Lestrade: Apparently not. Not enough of the Thames in his lungs.

Asphyxiated.

Watson: Yes, I'd agree.

Watson: There's quite a bit of bruising around the nose and mouth. More bruises here and here.

Holmes: Fingertips.

Watson: In his late thirties, I'd say. Not in the best condition.

Holmes: He's been in the river a long while. The water's destroyed most of the data.

Holmes: But I'll tell you one thing: that lost Vermeer painting's a fake.

Lestrade: What?

Holmes: We need to identify the corpse. Find out about his friends and associates...

Lestrade: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait. What painting? What are you – what are you on about?

Holmes: It's all over the place. Haven't you seen the posters? Dutch Old Master, supposed to have been destroyed centuries ago; now it's turned up. Worth thirty million pounds.

Lestrade: Okay. So what has that got to do with the stiff?

Holmes: Everything. Have you ever heard of the Golem?

Lestrade: Golem?

Watson: It's a horror story, isn't it? What are you saying?

Holmes: Jewish folk story. A gigantic man made of clay. It's also the name of an assassin. Real name: Oskar Dzundza. One of the deadliest assassins in the world.

Holmes: That is his trademark style.

Lestrade: So this is a h*t?

Holmes: Definitely. The Golem squeezes the life out of his victims with his bare hands.

Lestrade: But what has this gotta do with that painting? I don't see...

Holmes: You do see, you just don't observe.

Watson: All right, all right, girls, calm down. Sherlock? D'you wanna take us through it?

Holmes: What do we know about this corpse? The k*ller's not left us with much, just the shirt and the trousers. They're pretty formal, maybe he was going out for the night. The trousers are heavy duty. Polyester, nasty, same as the shirt, cheap. They're both too big for him. So some kind of standard-issue uniform. Dressed for work, then. What kind of work? There's a hook on his belt... for a walkie-talkie.

Lestrade: Tube driver?

Watson: Security guard?

Holmes: More likely. That'll be borne out by his backside.

Lestrade: Backside?!

Holmes: Flabby. You'd think that he'd led a sedentary life, yet the soles of his feet and the nascent varicose veins in his legs show otherwise. So, a lot of walking and a lot of sitting around. Security guard's looking good. And the watch helps, too. The alarm shows he did regular night shifts.

Lestrade: Why regular? Maybe he just set his alarm like that the night before he died?

Holmes: No, no, no. The buttons are stiff, hardly touched. He set his alarm like that a long time ago. His routine never varied. But there's something else. The k*ller must have been interrupted, otherwise he would have stripped the corpse completely. There was some kind of badge or insignia on the shirt front that he tore off, suggesting the d*ad man worked somewhere recognisable, some kind of institution.

Holmes: Found this inside his trouser pockets.

Holmes: Sodden by the river but still recognisably...

Watson: Tickets?

Holmes: Ticket stubs. He worked in a museum or gallery. Did a quick check. The Hickman Gallery has reported one of its attendants as missing.

Holmes: Alex Woodbridge. Tonight they unveil the re-discovered masterpiece. Now why would anyone want to pay the Golem to suffocate a perfectly ordinary gallery attendant? Inference, the d*ad man knew something about it, something that would stop the owner getting paid thirty million pounds. The picture's a fake.

Watson: Fantastic.

Holmes: Meretricious.

Lestrade: And a Happy New Year!

Watson: Poor sod.

Lestrade: I'd better get my feelers out for this Golem character.

Holmes: Pointless. You'll never find him. But I know a man who can.

Lestrade: Who?

Holmes: Me.

Holmes: Why hasn't he phoned? He's broken his pattern. Why?

Holmes: Waterloo Bridge.

Watson: Where now? The Gallery?

Holmes: In a bit.

Watson: The Hickman's contemporary art, isn't it? Why have they got hold of an old master?

Holmes: Dunno. Dangerous to jump to conclusions. Need data...

Holmes: Stop!

Holmes: You wait here. I won't be a moment.

Watson: Sherlock?

Homeless Girl: Change? Any change?

Holmes: What for?

Homeless Girl: Cup of tea, of course.

Holmes: Here you go, a fifty.

Homeless Girl: Thanks.

Watson: What are you doing?

Holmes: Investing.

Holmes: Now we go to the Gallery.

Holmes: Have you got any cash?

Holmes: No. I need you to find out all you can about the gallery attendant. Lestrade will give you the address.

Watson: Okay.

Julie: We'd been sharing about a year. Just sharing.

Watson: Mmm.

Watson: May I?

Julie: Yeah.

Watson: Sorry.

Watson: Stargazer, was he?

Julie: God, yeah. Mad about it. It's all he ever did in his spare time.

Julie: He was a nice guy, Alex. I liked him.

Julie: He was, er, never much of a one for hoovering.

Watson: What about art? Did he know anything about that?

Julie: It was just a job, you know?

Watson: Hmm.

Watson: Has anyone else been round asking about Alex?

Julie: No. We had a break-in, though.

Watson: Hmm? When?

Julie: Last night. There was nothing taken. Oh, there was a message left for Alex on the landline.

Watson: Who was it from?

Julie: Well, I can play it for you if you like. I'll get the phone...

Watson: Please.

( Phone beeps )

Woman's voice: Oh, should I speak now? Alex? Love, it's Professor Cairns. Listen, you were right. You were bloody right! Give us a call when...

Watson: Professor Cairns?

Julie: No, no idea, sorry.

Watson: Mmm. Can I try and ring back?

Julie: Well, no good. I mean, I've had other calls since. Sympathy ones, you know.

( Phone rings )

Miss Wenceslas: Don't you have something to do?

Holmes: Just admiring the view.

Miss Wenceslas: Yes. Lovely. Now get back to work; we open tonight.

Holmes: Doesn't it bother you?

Miss Wenceslas: What?

Holmes: That the painting's a fake.

Miss Wenceslas: What?

Holmes: It's a fake. It has to be. It's the only possible explanation.

Holmes: You're in charge, aren't you, Miss Wenceslas?

Miss Wenceslas: Who are you?

Holmes: Alex Woodbridge knew that the painting was a fake, so somebody sent the Golem to take care of him. Was it you?

Miss Wenceslas: Golem? What the hell are you talking about?

Holmes: Or are you working for someone else? Did you fake it for them?

Miss Wenceslas: It's not a fake.

Holmes: It is a fake. Don't know why, but there's something wrong with it. There has to be.

Miss Wenceslas: What the hell are you on about? You know, I could have you sacked on the spot.

Holmes: Not a problem.

Miss Wenceslas: No?

Holmes: No. I don't work here, you see. Just popped in to give you a bit of friendly advice.

Miss Wenceslas: How did you get in?

Holmes: Please.

Miss Wenceslas: I want to know.

Holmes: The art of disguise is knowing how to hide in plain sight.

Miss Wenceslas: Who are you?

Holmes: Sherlock Holmes.

Miss Wenceslas: Am I supposed to be impressed?

Holmes: You should be.

Holmes: Have a nice day!

( Door creaks )

Lucy: He wouldn't. He just wouldn't.

Watson: Well, stranger things have happened.

Lucy: Westie wasn't a traitor. It's a horrible thing to say!

Watson: I'm sorry, but you must understand that's...

Lucy: That's what they think, isn't it, his bosses?

Watson: He was a young man, about to get married. He had debts...

Lucy: Everyone's got debts, and Westie wouldn't wanna clear them by selling out his country.

Watson: Can you, erm...? Can you tell me exactly what happened that night?

Lucy: We were having a night in. Just... watching a DVD.

Lucy: He normally falls asleep, you know, but he sat through this one. He was quiet.

Lucy: Out of the blue, he said he just had to go and see someone.

Watson: And you've no idea who?

Joe: Oh, hi, Luce. You okay, love?

Lucy: Yeah.

Joe: Who's this?

Watson: John Watson. Hi.

Lucy: This is my brother, Joe. John's trying to find out what happened to Westie, Joe.

Joe: You with the police?

Watson: Uh, sort of, yeah.

Joe: Well, tell 'em to get off their arses, will you? It's bloody ridiculous.

Watson: I'll do my best.

Watson: ( Clears throat ) Well, er, thanks very much for your help. Again, I'm very, very sorry.

Lucy: He didn't steal those things, Mr. Watson.

Lucy: I knew Westie. He was a good man. He was my good man.

Homeless Girl: Spare change? Any spare change?

Watson: Alex Woodbridge didn't know anything special about art.

Holmes: And?

Watson: And...

Holmes: Is that it? No habits, hobbies, personality?

Watson: No, give us a chance! He was an amateur astronomer.

Holmes: Hold that cab.

Homeless Girl: Spare change, sir?

Holmes: Don't mind if I do.

Watson: Can you wait here?

Holmes: Fortunately, I haven't been idle.

Holmes: Come on.

Holmes: Beautiful, isn't it?

Watson: I thought you didn't care about things like that.

Holmes: Doesn't mean I can't appreciate it.

Watson: Listen, Alex Woodbridge had a message on the answerphone at his flat. A Professor Cairns?

Holmes: This way.

Watson: Nice! Nice part of town. Er, any time you wanna explain.

Holmes: Homeless network – really is indispensible.

Watson: Homeless network?

Holmes: My eyes and ears all over the city.

Watson: Ah, that's... clever. So you scratch their backs and...?

Holmes: Yes, then I disinfect myself.

Watson: Sherlock!

Holmes: Come on!

Watson: What's he doing sleeping rough?

Holmes: Well, he has a very distinctive look. He has to hide somewhere where tongues won't wag – much.

Watson: Oh shi...

Holmes: What?

Watson: I wish I'd...

Holmes: Don't mention it.

Holmes: No! No! No! No! ( Tyres squeal ) It'll take us weeks to find him again.

Watson: Or not. I have an idea where he might be going.

Holmes: What?

Watson: I told you: someone left Alex Woodbridge a message. There can't be that many Professor Cairns in the book. Come on.

Narrator: Jupiter, the fifth planet in our solar system and the largest. Jupiter is a gas giant. Planet Earth would fit into it eleven times.

Cairns: Yes, we know that.

( Tape spools )

Narrator: Titan is the largest moon.

Cairns: Come on, Neptune, where're you hiding?

Narrator: Many are actually long d*ad...

Cairns: Tom? Is that you?

Narrator: ..exploded into supernovas.

Narrator: Discovered by Urbain Le Verrier in eighteen forty-six...

Cairns: Oh my God!

Narrator: ..composed mainly of hydrogen. ( She struggles ) Their light takes so long to reach us...

Holmes: Golem!

Narrator: ..many are actually long-d*ad, exploded into supernovas.

( Tape spools )

Watson: I can't see him. I'll go round. I'll go!

Holmes: Who are you working for this time, Dzundza?

Watson: Golem!

( Cocks g*n )

Watson: Let him go... or I will k*ll you.

( Tape spools )

Narrator: The fourth planet of the solar system, named after the Roman God of w*r. ...it is a gas giant... ..takes so long to reach us... ( Film spools ) ..into supernovas... long d*ad, exploded into supernovas...

Holmes: It's a fake. It has to be.

Miss Wenceslas: That painting has been subjected to every test known to science.

Holmes: It's a very good fake, then.

Holmes: You know about this, don't you? This is you, isn't it?

Miss Wenceslas: Inspector, my time is being wasted. Would you mind showing yourself and your friends out?

( Phone rings )

Holmes: The painting is a fake.

Holmes: It's a fake. That's why Woodbridge and Cairns were k*lled.

Holmes: Oh, come on. Proving it's just the detail. The painting is a fake. I've solved it. I've figured it out. It's a fake! That's the answer. That's why they were k*lled.

Holmes: Okay, I'll prove it. Give me time. Will you give me time?

( Clock ticks )

Boy's voice: Ten...

Lestrade: It's a kid. Oh, God, it's a kid!

Watson: What did he say?

Holmes: "Ten."

Boy's voice: Nine...

Holmes: It's a countdown. He's giving me time.

Lestrade: Jesus!

Holmes: The painting is a fake, but how can I prove it? How? How?

Boy's voice: Eight...

Holmes: This kid will die. Tell me why the painting is a fake. Tell me!

Boy's voice: Seven...

Holmes: No, shut up. Don't say anything. It only works if I figure it out.

Holmes: Must be possible. Must be staring me in the face.

Boy's voice: Six...

Watson: Come on.

Holmes: Woodbridge knew, but how?

Boy's voice: Five...

Lestrade: It's speeding up!

Watson: Sherlock.

Holmes: Oh!

Boy's voice: Four...

Holmes: In the planetarium, You heard it too. Oh, that is brilliant; that is gorgeous!

Boy's voice: Three...

Watson: What's brilliant? What is?

Holmes: This is beautiful. I love this!

Boy's voice: Two...

Lestrade: Sherlock!

Holmes: The Van Buren Supernova!

( Ticking stops )

Boy's voice: Please. Is somebody there?

Boy's voice: Somebody help me!

Holmes: There you go. Go find out where he is and pick him up.

Holmes: The Van Buren Supernova, so-called. Exploding star, only appeared in the sky in eighteen fifty-eight.

Watson: So how could it have been painted in the sixteen forties?

( Phone beeps )

Watson: Oh...

Watson: Oh Sherl...

Holmes: You know, it's interesting. Bohemian stationery, an assassin named after a Prague legend, and you, Miss Wenceslas. This whole case has a distinctly Czech feeling about it. Is that where this leads?

Holmes: What are we looking at, Inspector?

Lestrade: Well, um, criminal conspiracy, fraud, accessory after the fact at the very least. The m*rder of the old woman, all the people in the flats...

Miss Wenceslas: I didn't know anything about that! All those things, please, believe me.

Miss Wenceslas: I just wanted my share. The thirty million.

( She sighs )

Miss Wenceslas: I found a little old man in Argentina. A genius - I mean, really. Brushwork, immaculate. Could fool anyone.

Holmes: Mmm.

Miss Wenceslas: Well, nearly anyone. But I didn't know how to go about convincing the world the picture was genuine. It was just an idea. A spark which he blew into a flame.

Holmes: Who?

Miss Wenceslas: I don't know.

( Lestrade laughs )

Miss Wenceslas: It's true! I mean, it took a long time, but eventually I was... put in touch with people... his people...

Miss Wenceslas: Well, there was never any real contact. Just messages... whispers.

Holmes: And did those whispers have a name?

Miss Wenceslas: Moriarty.

Watson: So this is where West was found?

Tube Guard: Yeah.

Watson: Uh-huh.

Tube Guard: You gonna be long?

Watson: I might be.

Tube Guard: You with the police, then?

Watson: Sort of.

Tube Guard: I hate 'em.

Watson: The police?

Tube Guard: No. Jumpers.

[Be careful, there, son. You don't insult jumpers in John Watson's presence.]

Tube Guard: People who chuck themselves in front of trains. Selfish bastards.

Watson: Well, that's one way of looking at it.

Tube Guard: I mean it. It's all right for them. It's over in a split second, strawberry jam all over the lines. What about the drivers, eh? They've gotta live with it, haven't they?

Watson: Yeah, speaking of strawberry jam, there's no blood on the line. Has it been cleaned off?

Tube Guard: No, there wasn't that much.

Watson: You said his head was smashed in.

Tube Guard: Well, it was, but there wasn't much blood.

Watson: Okay.

Tube Guard: Well, I'll leave you to it then.

Tube Guard: Just give us a shout when you're off.

Watson: Right.

Watson: Right, so, uh, Andrew West got on the train somewhere, or did he? There's no ticket on the body. Then how did he end up here?

( Clanking )

Holmes: Points.

Watson: Yes!

Holmes: Knew you'd get there eventually. West wasn't k*lled here; that's why there was so little blood.

Watson: How long have you been following me?

Holmes: Since the start. You don't think I'd give up on a case like this just to spite my brother, do you?

Holmes: Come on. Got a bit of burglary to do.

Holmes: The m*ssile defence plans haven't left the country, otherwise Mycroft's people would have heard about it. Despite what people think, we do still have a Secret Service.

Watson: Yeah, I know. I've met them.

Holmes: Which means whoever stole the memory stick can't sell it or doesn't know what to do with it. My money's on the latter. We're here.

Watson: Where?

Watson: Sherlock! What if there's someone in?

Holmes: There isn't.

Watson: Jesus...

Watson: Where are we?

Holmes: Oh, sorry, didn't I say? Joe Harrison's flat.

Watson: Joe...?

Holmes: Brother of West's fiancée.

Holmes: He stole the memory stick, k*lled his prospective brother-in-law.

Watson: Then why'd he do it?

( Keys rattling )

Holmes: Let's ask him.

Watson: Don't!

Watson: Don't.

Joe: It wasn't meant to...

Joe: God. What's Lucy gonna say? Jesus.

Watson: Why did you k*ll him?

Joe: It was an accident.

Joe: I swear it was.

Holmes: But stealing the plans for the m*ssile defence programme wasn't an accident, was it?

Joe: I started dealing drugs. I mean, the bike thing's a great cover, right? I dunno-– I dunno how it started. I just got out of my depth. I owed people thousands. Serious people. Then at Westie's engagement do, he starts talking about his job.

Joe: I mean, usually he's so careful, but that night after a few pints he really opened up. He told me about these m*ssile plans – beyond top secret. He showed me the memory stick; he waved it in front of me. You hear about these things getting lost, ending up on rubbish tips and what-not. And there it was, and I thought... Well, I thought it could be worth a fortune.

Joe: It was pretty easy to get the thing off him, he was so plastered. Next time I saw him, I could tell by the look on his face that he knew.

Westie: I know you took it.

Joe: What are you doin' 'ere?

Westie: What have you done with it?

Joe: What are you talking about?

Westie: What have you done with the plans?

Watson: What happened?

Joe: I was gonna call an ambulance, but it was too late.

Joe: I just didn't have a clue what to do, so I dragged him in 'ere, and I just sat in the dark, thinking.

Holmes: When a neat little idea popped into your head.

Holmes: Carrying Andrew West way away from here. His body would have gone on for ages if the train hadn't met a stretch of track that curved.

Watson: And points.

Holmes: Exactly.

Watson: D'you still have it, then? The memory stick?

Holmes: Fetch it for me – if you wouldn't mind.

Holmes: Distraction over, the game continues.

Watson: Well, maybe that's over, too. We've heard nothing from the b*mb.

Holmes: Five pips, remember, John? It's a countdown. We've only had four.

( Shouting on television )

Holmes: No, no, no! Of course he's not the boy's father! Look at the turn-ups on his jeans!

Watson: Knew it was dangerous.

Holmes: Hm?

Watson: Getting you into crap telly.

Holmes: Hm. Not a patch on Connie Prince.

Watson: Have you given Mycroft the memory stick yet?

Holmes: Yep. He was over the moon. thr*at me with a knighthood... again.

Watson: You know, I'm still waiting.

Holmes: Hm?

Watson: For you to admit that a little knowledge of the solar system and you'd have cleared up the fake painting a lot quicker.

Holmes: Didn't do you any good, did it?

Watson: No, but I'm not the world's only consulting detective.

Holmes: True.

Watson: I won't be in for tea. I'm going to Sarah's. There's still some of that risotto left in the fridge.

Holmes: Mm!

Watson: Uh, milk. We need milk.

Holmes: I'll get some.

Watson: Really?

Holmes: Really.

Watson: And some beans, then?

Holmes: Mm.

( Door closes )

( Footsteps )

Holmes: Brought you a little getting-to-know-you present. Oh, that's what it's all been for, hasn't it? All your little puzzles; making me dance – all to distract me from this.

Watson: Evening.

Watson: This is a turn-up, isn't it, Sherlock?

Holmes: John. What the hell...?

Watson: Bet you never saw this coming.

Watson: What... would you like me... to make him say... next?

Watson: Gottle o' gear... gottle o' gear... gottle o' gear.

Holmes: Stop it.

Watson: Nice touch, this. The pool where little Carl died. I stopped him. I can stop John Watson too. Stop his heart.

Holmes: Who are you?

( Door opens )

Voice: I gave you my number.

Voice: I thought you might call.

Moriarty: Is that British Army Browning L9A1 in your pocket...

Moriarty: ..or are you just pleased to see me?

Holmes: Both.

Moriarty: Jim Moriarty. Hi!

Moriarty: Jim? Jim from the hospital?

Moriarty: Oh. Did I really make such a fleeting impression? But then, I suppose, that was rather the point.

Moriarty: Don't be silly. Someone else is holding the r*fle. I don't like getting my hands dirty.

Moriarty: I've given you a glimpse, Sherlock, just a teensy glimpse of what I've got going on out there in the big bad world. I'm a specialist, you see...

Moriarty: ..like you!

Holmes: "Dear Jim. Please will you fix it for me to get rid of my lover's nasty sister?"

Holmes: "Dear Jim. Please will you fix it for me to disappear to South America?"

Moriarty: Just so.

Holmes: Consulting criminal. Brilliant.

Moriarty: Isn't it? No-one ever gets to me... and no-one ever will.

Holmes: I did.

( Cocks g*n )

Moriarty: You've come the closest. Now you're in my way.

Holmes: Thank you.

Moriarty: Didn't mean it as a compliment.

Holmes: Yes you did.

Moriarty: Yeah, okay, I did. But the flirting's over, Sherlock... ( Singsong ) Daddy's had enough now!

Moriarty: I've shown you what I can do. I cut loose all those people, all those little problems, even thirty million quid just to get you to come out and play.

Moriarty: So take this as a friendly warning, my dear. Back off.

Moriarty: Although I have loved this – this little game of ours. Playing Jim from I.T. Playing gay. Did you like the little touch with the underwear?

Holmes: People have died.

Moriarty: ( Shouting ) That's what people DO!

Holmes: I will stop you.

Moriarty: No you won't.

Holmes: You all right?

Moriarty: You can talk, Johnny-boy. Go ahead.

Holmes: Take it.

Moriarty: Huh? Oh! That!

Moriarty: The m*ssile plans!

Moriarty: Boring!

Moriarty: I could have got them anywhere.

Watson: Sherlock, run!

Moriarty: ( Laughs ) Good! Very good.

Watson: If your sn*per pulls that trigger, Mr. Moriarty, then we both go up.

Moriarty: Isn't he sweet? I can see why you like having him around. But then people do get so sentimental about their pets.

Moriarty: They're so touchingly loyal. But, oops!

Moriarty: You've rather shown your hand there, Doctor Watson.

Moriarty: Gotcha!

Moriarty: Westwood!

Moriarty: D'you know what happens if you don't leave me alone, Sherlock, to you?

Holmes: Oh, let me guess: I get k*lled.

Moriarty: k*ll you? N-no, don't be obvious. I mean, I'm gonna k*ll you anyway some day. I don't wanna rush it, though. I'm saving it up for something special. No-no-no-no-no. If you don't stop prying, I'll burn you.

Moriarty: I'll burn the heart out of you.

Holmes: I have been reliably informed that I don't have one.

Moriarty: But we both know that's not quite true.

Moriarty: Well, I'd better be off.

Moriarty: Well, so nice to have had a proper chat.

Holmes: What if I was to sh**t you now? Right now?

Moriarty: Then you could cherish the look of surprise on my face.

Moriarty: 'Cause I'd be surprised, Sherlock. Really I would.

Moriarty: And just a teensy bit... disappointed. And of course you wouldn't be able to cherish it for very long.

Moriarty: Ciao, Sherlock Holmes.

Holmes: Catch... you... later.

Moriarty: No you won't!

( Door closes )

Holmes: All right?

Holmes: Are you all right?

Watson: Yeah-yeah, I'm fine.

Watson: I'm fine.

Watson: Sherlock.

Watson: Sh-Sherlock!

( Gasping )

Watson: Jesus.

Watson: Oh, Christ.

Watson: Are you okay?

Holmes: Me? Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. Fine.

Holmes: That, er... thing that you, er, that you did. That, um... you offered to do. That was, um... good.

Watson: I'm glad no-one saw that.

Holmes: Mm?

Watson: You, ripping my clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. People might talk.

Holmes: People do little else.

Watson: Oh...

Moriarty: Sorry, boys! I'm so... changeable!

Moriarty: It is a weakness with me but, to be fair to myself, it is my only weakness.

Moriarty: You can't be allowed to continue. You just can't. I would try to convince you but... everything I have to say has already crossed your mind.

Holmes: Probably my answer has crossed yours.
{"type": "series", "show": "Sherlock", "episode": "01x03 - The Great Game"}