Keeping Up

with the Kardashians...  

What's wrong? KOURTNEY: Nothing.  

I can't talk.

KIM: Are you fighting with.  

Scott? KRIS: When Kourtney gets  

upset, it isn't pretty.

SCOTT: She just fires these  

m*ssile at me.

KRIS: She is trying to cope.  

SCOTT: You're out of your

mind if you think I'm wrong.  

Family Feud.  

KIM: I got to jump ship.

KRIS: Oh, no, no, no, no.   

MAN: This way, you guys.

KHLOE: It's such a cluster   

(bleep).

KANYE: I'm not finna kick   

one of my family members off of

TV they first time on TV.   

KHLOE: Mom... KRIS: She said no.   

Kim created this mess, and I

have to clean it up.   

STEVE: Let me solve this

problem.   

KIM: I feel really confident

about my team.   

KHLOE: They think they have

this in the bag, let's just...   

balls to the wall. ♪ ♪   

KOURTNEY: It's slightly

chilly in here.   

KHLOE: Oh, no.

But if I was     pounds, I'm   

sure I'd be freezing, too.

KOURTNEY: How was your New.   

Year's?

I saw your post with Simon and.   

Savas. KHLOE: It was just really   

nice, chill.

You know, my first sober.   

New Year's.

KOURTNEY: Was it your first   

sober New Year's ever?

KHLOE: That I can remember.   

So nice to be drunk.

KOURTNEY: Did you have fun on.   

Christmas Eve?

I felt like it wasn't as wild as   

it... ]] KHLOE: Because of me.   

KOURTNEY: As it usually is.   

KHLOE: Because I'm normally

the one that riles everyone up.   

KOURTNEY: I mean, it was

a little weird.   

KHLOE: I think your boyfriend

was uncomfortable, which is   

understandable.

KOURTNEY: Yeah, I just felt   

like I couldn't, like, leave his

side... I was like, "What's"   

gonna happen?"

For my mom's Christmas Eve   

party, there was a lot of back-

and-forth about Scott coming,   

because Younes was coming, and

so, you know, in the end, they   

were both invited.

But it was the first time that.   

Scott and Younes were in the

same room together.   

KHLOE: It was awkward, no

matter what, the whole thing.   

KOURTNEY: Yeah.

Who got you the mommy necklace?   

KHLOE: That's what you're

thinking about?   

KOURTNEY: No, I got that for

Mom, that's why I was asking.   

KHLOE: Mom gave it to me.

Is it a regift?   

KOURTNEY: I don't know.

Unless she bought it for you.   

But I bought one for her.

KHLOE: You need to check.   

That's just amazing.

KOURTNEY: Oh, my God.   

Should I be like, "Where's your

mommy necklace?"   

KHLOE: (laughs) That's amazing.   

♪ ♪   

KHLOE: Mom, am I gonna break

this?   

KRIS: No. You shouldn't.

KHLOE: Okay, I'm not doing   

this.

My fat ass can't go on that   

right now. ]] KOURTNEY: I'll go.   

(swings creaking)

KIM: That sound really irks   

me. (Kris laughs)   

KOURTNEY: What if I made

that sound when I had sex?   

Family Feud.   

KIM: All right, so who's

going to be the team captain?   

Is that me? ]] KHLOE: Kimberly.   

KIM: Okay, I got this, guys.

KHLOE: You've literally been   

"doll-hauling" to do this.

We're basically doing this   

because of you. KOURTNEY: Yeah.   

KIM: Okay. ]] KOURTNEY: Whoo!   

KHLOE: Oh, my God. Literally   

the best game ever...

We're obsessed.   

Maybe seven years ago... I don't

even know how long ago it was,   

we played against Deion Sanders

and family.   

KIM: Sanders family, the only

thing you're gonna hear today...   

(imitates buzzer)

We were so embarrassing.   

We hardly got any questions

right... we were awful.   

(buzzer sounds) ]] MAN: Uh-oh.   

KIM: I saw that they're doing

Celebrity Family Feud   

again, I thought we have to be

on.   

Like, it's not even an option.

Like, we have to win.   

We have to do this.

KOURTNEY: Who are you even   

against? KIM: Yeah, who are we   

against?

KRIS: They haven't told us   

yet; We asked again yesterday.

Amber Rose and Blac Chyna.   

(laughs)

KOURTNEY: I don't think any   

of you guys should be on, to be

honest.   

KRIS: Thanks, Kourtney, for

the vote of confidence.   

KOURTNEY: This is your one

life to walk this planet.   

Do you really want to spend your

Family Feud?   

KHLOE: Guess what we would

be doing on a Saturday,   

all separated.

But now we're gonna be on a.   

Saturday, all together

building a memory.   

And just how we talk about the

that we failed.   

We'll be able to talk about...

KOURTNEY: I don't remember it   

except my ugly yellow dress and

my ugly hat.   

KHLOE: So, you go back inside.   

We are gonna spend the day

together.   

KOURTNEY: I thought Kanye is

the one who, actually, really   

wanted to do it the most.

KIM: He does, that's why he's   

coming, and he's gonna, like,

yell out answers... in the   

dressing room, to himself. ♪ ♪   

KIM: Is this it? KOURTNEY: Ew.   

KIM: Howdy.

KOURTNEY: So romantic.    

Okay, I'm so good at this.

Give us the biggest push    

of your life. ]] MAN: I will.    

KOURTNEY: I can't turn.

KIM: Don't we have an oar?    

KOURTNEY: This isn't a canoe.

KIM: (bleep)    

Pedal, please.

My pedal's breaking. (Bleep)    

KOURTNEY: Oh, we're about to

h*t a... Ooh.    

Okay, let's turn to the right.

KIM: Wanna take a pic?    

KOURTNEY: Mm-hmm.

KIM: Oh, my wrist kills.    

Even the way that I hold my

phone hurts my hand.    

KOURTNEY: I go like this.

KIM: I have been feeling a    

lot of pain in my wrist when I'm

texting, when I'm not.    

They just feel super crampy.

And I've been putting off going    

to the doctor for a while.

Will you take a pic for me?    

'Cause my hand is k*lling me.

Like, I want it to be like I'm    

taking a selfie.

KOURTNEY: How will I...    

(bleep)

You want me to put my arm around    

you, like this?

KIM: No, 'cause then your arm    

will get too short.

Just, like, do it like that,    

and I'll, like, lean in.

And we'll pretend like it's my    

hand. (Camera clicks)    

Ew. Your hand is just too short.

Pax.    

PAX: Yeah?

KIM: Will you come to take a.    

Snapchat?

KOURTNEY: Paxy is, like, a    

professional photographer.

A social media...    

KIM: If you (bleep) drop my

phone...    

PAX: What? KIM: I'll k*ll you.    

No, no, no, you can just...

Oh, perfect, like that.    

Wait, just right there. Aah!

PAX: I won't drop your phone,    

I promise.

KIM: Okay. Just like that.    

We flop over. (Screams)    

Okay, never mind.

KOURTNEY: You're sitting on    

the mic. ]] PAX: That's a GoPro.    

KOURTNEY: Wait, I mean that...

KIM: Is the GoPro okay?    

PAX: Yeah.

KIM: I'll pretend like it's    

my arm... I'll go like this.

PAX: How's that?    

KIM: Okay, yeah.

PAX: Did I take it?    

KIM: Yeah. So cute.

We'll save it.    

PAX: Oh, yeah, that really

does look like your arm.    

KIM (filtered): Hey, guys,

we're on a boat today.    

Cute. Oh, my God.

I'm gonna need a professional    

selfie-taker.

Or is that called a selfie    

stick? PAX: I'll be your selfie    

stick. ]] KOURTNEY: Thanks, Pax.    

KIM: How the (bleep) do we

turn around?    

♪ ♪    

KIM: You look so pretty.

MJ: Thank you.    

Just like Diane Keaton, huh?

You don't like this color?    

KIM: It's a bit yellowy.

MJ: I like that.    

More trampy. KIM: More trippy.    

Mine's more like silvery-icy.

MJ: I know.    

KIM: And then Mom's doing,

like, whitish.    

MJ: I'm doing it the way

Hollywood used to do it.    

KIM: Yeah. ]] MJ: Mm-hmm.    

KIM: I am doing a campaign

for my new concealers, and I    

thought it would just be

really amazing to have my mom    

and my grandma in the campaign,

and have us all be blonde.    

Who should I FaceTime?

Let's see if Kourtney picks up.    

MJ: Let's see if she

recognizes me.    

She won't pick up.

KOURTNEY: Oh, my God, you    

look so pretty.

KIM: Doesn't she?    

MJ: Oh, thank you.

KIM: What's wrong?    

MJ: What's wrong?

KOURTNEY: Nothing.    

KIM: What's wrong?

MJ: What's wrong?    

KOURTNEY: Nothing. I can't

talk, 'cause P's here.    

I'll text you.    

HARRISON: Any pain with this?

KIM: Yes.    

HARRISON: Do you feel any

numbness or tingling in your    

thumb, your index finger or

middle finger?    

KIM: Yeah, I mean, if I hold

it up long enough, yeah.    

HARRISON: You do feel it.

You are definitely showing some    

of the cardinal signs for carpal

tunnel.    

SCOTT: I will bet you $ 

billion there's not a human    

being that you know that won't

go with what exactly I just    

said.

But you're out of your mind if    

you think I'm wrong.    

KIM: What's wrong?

MJ: What's wrong?    

KOURTNEY: Nothing.

I can't talk 'cause P's here.    

I'll text you.

KIM: Okay. You okay?    

Need me to come there?

KOURTNEY: No, no, no, it's    

not that big of a deal.

I'm fine.    

KIM: Are you fighting with

your boyfriend?    

KOURTNEY: No, not at all.

KIM: Oh, good. Scott?    

KOURTNEY: Yeah, I'll just

text you.    

KIM: Yeah, of course. Okay, bye.    

KOURTNEY: Okay, bye.

MJ: She okay?    

KIM: She is crying.

She said "Scott just texted me"    

that he introduced Mason to his

girlfriend.    

But he didn't even tell me

first.    

And we've been going to therapy

to discuss it, and he said he    

"was gonna wait. Just annoying."    

MJ: Gosh.

Why can't they get it together?    

One way or the other?

KIM: You know, I think it's    

just more of, like, a principle

thing, that they made this rule    

and they've been going to this,

you know, co-parenting therapy    

together.

I definitely want to be there to    

support Kourtney and Scott, but

it's just kind of, like, their    

thing, and I don't really get

involved.    

All right, you ready?

You want to go take a pic?    

MJ: Sure.

KIM: Do you want your cane?    

MJ: Yeah, I got it. KIM: Okay.    

MJ: Yeah. ♪ ♪    

KRIS: Oh, my God, that's so

good.    

PHOTOGRAPHER: That's great.

Great, great, great, beautiful.    

I think she likes being a

blonde.    

She looks good. (Laughter)    

MJ: How cute.

You're looking nice.    

KRIS: I'm just on a photo

sh**t, and I noticed I missed    

your call. You okay?    

SCOTT: Yeah, no, I'm fine,

but, you know, I've been going    

to therapy with Kourtney,

regarding what we're doing about    

the kids and meeting everyone,

and these things, right?    

KRIS: Yeah.

SCOTT: We all agreed to wait    

till after the New Year, so last

night, when we got home, the    

kids were there, so of course,

they met my girlfriend.    

Told Kourtney, and she just told

me, she goes, "You're a (bleep)"    

joke, you're disgusting, you do

whatever the (bleep) you want,    

you don't care," and I'm like,

"What?"    

She goes, "We discussed with the

therapist that you were gonna"    

wait, " and I said, " We discussed

with the therapist that we were    

gonna wait till after the New

Year, and after the holiday."    

KRIS: Yeah.

SCOTT: I put it in the    

friendliest... and then, she just

att*cks me.    

KRIS: I don't understand why

she can introduce her boyfriend    

to the kids, but you can't

introduce your girlfriend.    

You know, 'cause she's my

daughter, and I don't want to go    

against her, but I see your

point, too, so I would just ask    

her, like, why isn't it mutual?

SCOTT: You know her, she    

never has any reason.

It's just whatever the (bleep)    

she wants, or she this, she

that, and...    

KRIS: Yeah.

All right, well, listen, I'm    

gonna go finish up, and I love

you and I'll be home in a little    

while.

SCOTT: Okay, I'll talk to you    

later. ]] KRIS: Okay, ciao.    

SCOTT: Okay, bye. KRIS: (bleep)    

KIM: Kind of agree with Scott

on this one.    

'Cause she's Kourtney, she's got

to be difficult.    

KRIS: She is kind of

difficult these days.    

KIM: Yeah.

KRIS: Like, it's just like    

she's this little rebel.

KIM: Yep.    

KRIS: You know?

KIM: My wrist kills.    

We are snatched. KRIS: Oh, yeah.    

♪ ♪    

KIM: My wrists have just been

really hurting.    

When I'm looking at my phone,

like, if I'm on it for a long    

time, my thumbs start to get

numb.    

HARRISON: So, any pain with

this?    

KIM: Yes. HARRISON: Mm-hmm.    

What about with this? KIM: Ish.    

HARRISON: Yeah? What about that?    

KIM: Yeah.

HARRISON: But here is a    

problem.

You are definitely showing some    

of the cardinal signs for carpal

tunnel.    

I know, I'm just telling you the

truth.    

How does it feel when you're

doing a selfie?    

Do you feel any numbness or

tingling in your thumb, your    

index finger or middle finger?

KIM: Yeah, I mean, if I hold    

it up long enough, yeah.

HARRISON: You do feel it.    

Okay, well, there's a term I

have for this, it's called    

"selfie wrist."

I should call it "Kim Kardashian    

"wrist," that's what I should

call it, because it's all of    

this, that's it: It's too much.

KIM: So...    

HARRISON: So your job are the

following: Minimizing the wrist    

flexing like this, make sure you

wear the wrist splints at night,    

then I want you to do these

exercises at home, these are    

real simple.

KIM: Especially since I'm    

this week, I

definitely need my hand to be    

in, like, the best shape.

HARRISON: Light exercising.    

Around the world.

Exactly, that's it.    

   times, each direction, twice

a day.    

KIM: I'm not gonna lose

because of a wrist injury.    

I have to h*t that button.

HARRISON: Any other    

questions? ]] KRIS: Nope.    

HARRISON: Do you want some

water?    

You're looking dehydrated to me.

Yeah.    

KRIS: I look dehydrated?

HARRISON: You look    

dehydrated. You want some water?    

KRIS: I'm just... no, I

actually have some in the car,    

I'm just really hungover.

I can barely hold my head up.    

HARRISON (laughing): Okay.

KRIS: So...    

HARRISON: You are so funny.

(laughter)    

♪ ♪    

(indistinct chatter)

KIM: Hey, guys.    

CICI: Hey, Kim.

KIM: How are you?    

KRIS: Wow, Khloe, this is so

beautiful.    

Hi, Cici. ]] CICI: What's wrong?    

Your tooth just came out?

KIM: No.    

KHLOE: Need some dentures?

KIM: Okay, guys, so we are.    

Family Feud game.    

KRIS: Okay.

KIM: And we're gonna see who    

can play, okay?

We are auditioning.    

KRIS: I have to audition?

KHLOE: Uh-huh.    

KRIS: In front of who?

CICI: Kim. She makes the    

decision if you're on or off.

KIM: Are you guys ready?    

Taping is coming

up, and we don't have our lineup    

yet, so I'm auditioning the

family members.    

We gotta see who we're playing

against to see.    

The Hilton family would be

really funny.    

KRIS: Oh, my God.

KIM: We should recommend    

that. Okay, round one.    

"Name a place where little kids

hide their money."    

KHLOE: Pillow! KIM: Pillow.    

KHLOE: Ah, I got number two.

CICI: Under the mattress.    

KIM: Mattress. Yep.

CICI: Underwear drawer.    

KIM: Oh, yep.

Okay, Cici is gonna be good at    

this. Cici, you are good at it.    

Guys, we need to name something

we'd need an appointment for.    

Kourtney, what do you need an

appointment for?    

(buzzer sounds) Kourtney?    

KOURTNEY: A therapist.

KIM: She's so slow.    

Your mom is so slow.

KOURTNEY: Kim just takes    

everything so seriously, and I

truly don't want to be on the    

team. KIM: Name something that    

people fantasize about.

KRIS: Sex.    

MASON: Oh, my God. CICI: Money!    

KIM: Money, number one.

Becoming wealthy.    

CICI: Hello?! KIM: Vacations?    

KOURTNEY: Chonch is an MVP.

KRIS: Yeah, you really are.    

KIM: Name an activity you can

do at any age.    

KHLOE: That's a hard one.

KRIS: Shop?    

(buzzer sounds)

KIM: Definitely, Mom, you've    

got to get better at this.

They don't have shopping as an    

activity. ]] KRIS: Oh, my God.    

KIM: Ah, they b*at us on this

one.    

MASON: They did? ]] KIM: Yep.    

MASON: No!

KIM: All right, Cici is my    

number one choice, so she might

actually stand right next to me.    

I'm not sure how they run the

order.    

KRIS: Oh, wow.

KIM: And then, I'm sure MJ    

would love to do it.

So, my final team is gonna be    

me, Khloe, Cici, and MJ.

And I guess, like, my mom.    

KHLOE: Fillers.

KIM: Yeah, this is a filler    

over here. CICI: She's a filler?    

KIM: Yeah. ]] CICI: An extra?    

KIM: Yeah.

All right, I gotta go.    

CICI: What do you mean you

have to go?    

KIM: I have to go inside and

play.    

KRIS: She's gonna go

practice. (Laughs)    

♪ ♪    

KOURTNEY: The thought of my

kids being introduced to another    

woman and having somebody else

in their lives, I think it's    

hard for me and hard for them.

There's a lot going on for them,    

and I know that it can be

confusing, and it just, you    

know, makes me upset, especially

because we sat in front of a    

therapist, we said what we

thought was best for the kids,    

we felt like a lot of changes

have been made lately, and that    

this wasn't the best time.

Do you want to go in the living    

room?

Scott and I went to therapy    

today for the first time since

he introduced the kids to his    

girlfriend, but it's just hard

to go when I'm the only one    

who's actually, you know, doing

what we speak about, and    

following.

SCOTT: How do you feel like    

today went?

KOURTNEY: It's, like, hard to    

communicate in that way.

SCOTT: What, normal?    

You were pretty annoying for a

little bit, but...    

KOURTNEY: Why?

SCOTT: It was really sweet    

when you told me that you allow

me to be friends with your    

family. KOURTNEY: I'm saying be    

appreciative of what you have.

SCOTT: Hey, you don't think    

I'm extremely appreciative?

KOURTNEY: Not when you just    

do whatever you want.

SCOTT: What's whatever I    

want?

Live my life the exact same way    

you're living it?

KOURTNEY: It's not... it's    

called giving someone a

heads-up, and having a    

respectful conversation, giving

someone the respect.    

SCOTT: Sometimes, you want to

do certain things, or you map    

out certain things, but they

don't always go as planned.    

KOURTNEY: Yeah, but that

could also just be an excuse.    

I make sacrifices all the time,

and you're not following through    

with the things that you say

you're gonna do.    

You just go and do whatever you

want and I'm not okay with it.    

SCOTT: Do you think you're

difficult, or no?    

KOURTNEY: No. ]] SCOTT: No?    

KOURTNEY: No.

SCOTT: Do you think you're    

overly controlling?

KOURTNEY: No.    

SCOTT: Okay.

KOURTNEY: I did have to be,    

with you, in our relationship.

SCOTT: Okay.    

KOURTNEY: But...

SCOTT: Do you think there's    

any chance that you could ever

be in denial about anything?    

KOURTNEY: No.

SCOTT: Okay, I rest my case.    

KOURTNEY: I expect a lot for

my kids, I want the best for    

them.

SCOTT: I think you expect a    

lot from a lot of people, but...

KOURTNEY: I do.    

SCOTT: Not always, can your

expectations always be met...    

KOURTNEY: I understand that.

SCOTT: Even though people    

are trying their hardest to

please you.    

KOURTNEY: And I understand

that I'm a perfectionist, and    

whenever... SCOTT: Well, you're    

something.

KOURTNEY: I'm actually... try    

to not be controlling.

SCOTT: I will bet you $     

billion there's not a human

being that you know that won't    

go with what exactly I just

said.    

Family Feud?    

KRIS: We're supposed to play

in, like,    hours, and the.    

Hiltons pulled out.

KIM: Kanye's coming.    

I don't know why he wouldn't,

like, just do it.    

I got to jump ship, though.

(laughing): Yeah.    

KRIS: When Kourtney gets

upset, she often responds the    

same way I do, which isn't

pretty.    

SCOTT: She just fires these

m*ssile at me.    

KRIS: She's trying to cope.    

SCOTT: I will bet you $ 

billion there's not a human    

being that you know that won't

go with what exactly I just    

said. Your own family, anybody.    

There's not one person.

So you're in denial.    

You want to go tell your

therapist this, be my guest.    

KOURTNEY: Don't turn this

around on me.    

You're not gonna paint me out to

be some way that I'm not.    

We have rules.

Kids need rules, it's not hard.    

It's not complicated.

SCOTT: It's not, you're    

right. KOURTNEY: I'm not being    

overly crazy.

SCOTT: But you're out of your    

mind if you think I'm wrong.

KOURTNEY: When we agree to    

something, you have to follow

it.    

Scott knows that it gets to me

when he calls me controlling,    

because he knows, like, that's

how I had to be, in the    

relationship, but me being

controlling or not being    

controlling has nothing to do

with what's going on here.    

He just tries to get everyone on

his side and be... play the    

victim.

And it's really not fair.    

I've been doing pretty much

everything since day one, and if    

you're not able to follow the

guidelines...    

SCOTT: It ain't easy.

You're sick, girl.    

Not controlling.    

♪ ♪    

KENDALL: You have the best

snacks.    

KHLOE: Kendall, that Oreo

cake is probably amazing.    

KENDALL: I don't really like

Oreos.    

KHLOE: Kendall?

Okay, just have one bite.    

KENDALL: I'm eating fruit

snacks.    

KHLOE: MJ can't commit to

until Saturday, and    

we're doing it on Saturday,

'cause she just doesn't know how    

she feels. Family Feud    

with us?

KIM: You should totally do    

it.

It is... it's all I watch, every    

night. KENDALL: Never seen it.    

KIM: Kendall.

Like, oh, my God, I'm so    

excited, if you were to do it.

KENDALL: Saturday?    

KIM: Mm-hmm.

This would be so good for us, as    

a family... that feuds.

KENDALL: I guess, yeah, I'll    

do it, sure.

I just jump in when I know    

something, right?

KIM: I mean, when it's your    

turn, but you think about it.

KENDALL: It's a turn?    

It's a turn?

Oh, my God, guys, I can't do    

this.

KHLOE: Kendall, I'll give you    

the answer.

KIM: Nothing to be scared of.    

KENDALL: I'm standing next to

Khloe, so she can whisper things    

to me. Like,    

that's my dream of life.

KENDALL: Oh, my God.    

I'm offended...

KIM: This is, like, the best    

day of my life.

KENDALL: That I was added    

last minute.

KIM: 'Cause we never thought    

you'd want to do it.

We thought, never in a million    

years would you want to do it.

KENDALL: No, I'm a little    

nervous.

KHLOE: "Name an occupation"    

that would be bad for someone

with claustrophobia."    

KENDALL: Ooh.

KHLOE: Hurry up, she's gonna    

b*at us. ]] KENDALL: Oh, name an    

occupation... okay, um, uh,

tunnel digging, like, uh, what    

is it called?

KHLOE: "Tunnel digging..."    

KENDALL: No, no, no. So, uh...    

KHLOE: Seven seconds!

KENDALL: Cave... cave...    

KHLOE: Cave diver!

KENDALL: No, not...    

Coal mining, that's what I'm

thinking.    

(buzzer sounds)

KHLOE: Well, you said "cave"    

"digging." ♪ ♪    

KOURTNEY: Kim, when you sit

down, your butt looks so huge.    

KRIS: That's not very nice.

KOURTNEY: She likes having a    

big butt. ]] KIM: No, I don't.    

I cry about it on the daily.

KRIS: No, she doesn't.    

KHLOE: Oh, mine used to be.

I used to have the best ass.    

The best ass.

KRIS: You still have the best    

little booty.

KHLOE: Oh, it's not little.    

(laughter)

KRIS: Should we talk about.    

Family Feud? Family.    

Feud?

KRIS: We're supposed to play    

in, like,    hours and the

Hiltons pulled out.    

KOURTNEY: Why did they pull out?    

KHLOE: 'Cause they were

probably scared 'cause we're so.    

Family Feud.

KRIS: How great would it be    

if Kanye played and had a team?

KIM: Kanye's coming.    

I don't know why he wouldn't,

like, just do it.    

I bet if I said, "Look, like,

you know, the other family"    

pulled out..."

I got to jump ship, though, and    

go on his team.

KRIS: Oh, no, no, no, no.    

You're already on our team.

KIM: I know, but he    

doesn't... he doesn't have a lot

of family here.    

Who else, if we need another

team?    

KHLOE: The whole purpose of was    

for you.

KRIS: Yeah, me, too, and now    

you're gonna jump to another

team?    

KHLOE: And you were the best

one.    

KIM: You know who would be

amazing is Jonathan.    

KHLOE: Love Jonathan and all

but he's not a Kardashian, so    

why on earth...

KIM: Well, I'm just, I'm    

trying to help.

This is really hard.    

No one's really interested.

Kylie won't do it.    

Kourtney won't do it.

And Rob won't do it.    

We're kind of out of family

members.    

(line ringing) JONATHAN: Hello?    

KRIS: Hey, Jonathan.

JONATHAN: Hey, Kris.    

KRIS: So, we're sitting here

in a bit of a panic.    

JONATHAN: What happened now?

When you say that,    things    

come to my head.

KRIS: I know, well, we were    

suppos... we're-we're doing

like, tomorrow.    

Like...

JONATHAN: Get out of here.    

KRIS: Yes.

And the other family dropped    

out at the last minute and now

Kim's gonna jump ship and...    

KIM: So it could be, like,

the Kardashians versus the.    

Wests, but now I have to be on

his team and now we're short a    

player.

JONATHAN: Are you inviting me    

to play?

KIM: Yes, but where are you?    

KRIS: Yeah, where are you and

what are you doing tomorrow?    

JONATHAN: Well, I'm actually

in Miami and I'm-I'm hosting    

this... I'm, like, a judge in-in

this Burger Bash thing that Guy.    

Fieri's hosting.

We're tasting, like,    burgers.    

KIM: Ew.

JONATHAN: That's what we do.    

We're foodies.

KRIS: So, what time are you    

done with eating your burgers?

JONATHAN: Uh, midnight.    

That means I'd have to get on a

plane in the middle of the night    

and come straight there.

KIM: That's possible.    

JONATHAN: Well, if somebody

can find me a flight, I'll just    

come with    burgers inside of

me and get there.    

KIM: Oh, my God, we so can

make it happen.    

JONATHAN: Let me know.

KIM: Okay.    

This is so perfect.

Kanye is, like, so good.    

I definitely should go to the

West side.    

Family just to lose again.    

KHLOE: You were our team

captain.    

KIM: Well, you guys, we need

to play.    

We need to get it together.

It's just for fun.    

KRIS: So, you guys who watch

every single day    

and practice are gonna win.

KIM (laughing): Yeah.    

KRIS: Jonathan!

Welcome to Los Angeles.    

JONATHAN: Hi, guys.

KIM: Are you doing it or just    

watching? ]] MJ: I don't know.    

Is Jonathan coming?

KIM: Jonathan is here.    

I love my grandma and in a

perfect world she should be on    

the team.

Someone has to talk to Jonathan.    

KHLOE: It's your friend.

KIM: I'm not doing that.    

KANYE: No, Jonathan's a big boy.    

KHLOE: It's such a

cluster (bleep).    

Everyone's fighting.

There's real family feuds going.    

Family Feud.    

♪ ♪

KIM: Hey.    

(Khloe scoffs)

KIM: "Ugh"? What's the "ugh"?    

KHLOE: Oh, no... ]] KIM: Ugh.    

KHLOE: Just 'cause your

sunglasses are on still.    

I love when you do that.

KRIS: (clears throat)    

How many weeks are you now?

KHLOE: I have    weeks and    

four days.

Dr. Peter said when I have    

colostrum... what is that?

KRIS: Yeah.    

KHLOE: That I'm allowed to

have a drink.    

KRIS: Oh,    %.

And a painkiller.    

KHLOE: Yeah.

'Cause I mean, you just popped a    

baby out of your puss.

They've got to give you    

something to numb the pain.

(Kris laughs)    

KIM: Ugh, my hand hurts.

I forgot my brace.    

Paxy?

Will you come over here and    

help me?

KHLOE: What are you having    

her do?

KIM: The doctor said I can    

only hold my phone like this.

Okay. Will you do a video?    

KRIS: Kim.

What, you bring your own...    

KIM: Yeah.

So I'm having Paxy take my pic    

so I can rest my hands.

KRIS: Oh, my God.    

KIM: Hey, guys, so tomorrow,

I am launching my Valentine's.    

Day candy Kimoji Hearts perfume.

Check it out.    

KRIS: What are you gonna do,

take Paxy with you wherever you    

go? ]] KIM: Mm-hmm.    

KRIS: That is crazy. KIM: Cute.    

KHLOE: That one's good.

KRIS: Actually, I think Kim    

might be on to something.

KIM: Doesn't that look like a    

selfie? ]] KHLOE: Yeah.    

KRIS: It'll protect Kim's

hand without missing a b*at on    

social media.

Paxy should be on your payroll.    

I'm definitely gonna poach Paxy

to be my selfie assistant.    

KHLOE: You got a long-ass

arm, girl.    

KRIS: Well, I hope you feel

better.    

No one wants you out of

commission, missy.    

KIM: 'Cause you don't want to

be out of commission yourself.    

KRIS: That's right. Literally.    

(Khloe laughs) ♪ ♪    

KRIS: Do you think it's

possible to be addicted to    

throat lozenges? SCOTT: (sighs)    

So you're saying you're addicted

to sucking on something?    

(Kris laughs)

Yeah, it could happen.    

Remember I called you the other

day and I was just talking to    

you about, like, Kourt and the

kids and everything and, like...    

KRIS: Mm-hmm.

SCOTT: Yeah, whatever it was,    

months ago, when her boyfriend

met the kids, she never told me    

upfront. It was unexpected.    

It was an accident.

And instead of getting angry, I    

mean, I knew that was part of

life.    

Then kids ended up meeting

without her knowing and this and    

that and then she fires these

m*ssile at me and I was like,    

"Listen, I'm trying to do the

best I can."    

KRIS: Yeah.

I think she is trying to cope.    

When Kourtney gets upset, she

often responds the same way I    

do, which isn't pretty and I

think that when it comes to    

one's kids, and you're the mom

and they live primarily with    

her, you have a great deal of

control, everything's the way    

you want it.

When... I remember when my kids    

used to go to their dad's, it's

the hardest thing in the world    

to surrender.

And being a mom is the biggest    

job of your life.

SCOTT: Yeah. I get that now.    

KRIS: It's the hardest thing

you'll ever do and it's the most    

important thing you'll ever do.

And so, her response and her    

reaction, although it was not

what you would've loved, you    

just have to remember that it's

hard on everybody.    

SCOTT: After talking to Kris,

I realize that she's been there    

and she gets it more than

anybody.    

My biggest mistake was not being

as clear as possible.    

Should've told Kourtney exactly

what was happening.    

And I do realize this is

something that can be hard for    

somebody, but by no means was I

looking to make this any harder.    

I truly don't want Kourtney to

hurt about anything.    

KRIS: You know, it takes a

minute.    

It took me five years after I

got divorced to really find a    

happy place where everybody was

really settled and cool.    

SCOTT: I think like you said,

it's just a transition and it    

takes some time. ]] KRIS: Yeah.    

SCOTT: And I feel like

there's gonna be little bumps in    

the road, but we're getting

there.    

KRIS: I'm really proud of you.    

♪ ♪    

KOURTNEY: I haven't been on a

horse in    years.    

KENDALL: Thank you.

INSTRUCTOR: One, two, three.    

Jump. ]] KOURTNEY: Aah!    

(laughter)

INSTRUCTOR: He'll go where    

you want to go.

Just kind of think of your hands    

and your legs as being the

railroad track.    

She's doing well. Okay, ready?    

MAN: Awesome.

KOURTNEY (laughing): Oh, my.    

God, I feel like I'm gonna,

like, fall forward.    

MAN: There you go.

INSTRUCTOR: Whoa!    

MAN: Look at you. Good job.

KOURTNEY: Yay, Ken.    

(laughter)

KENDALL: She's leaning so far    

forward.

Kourtney, why are you leaning    

forward?

KOURTNEY (laughing): I don't    

know. Oh, my God.

KENDALL: That's hilarious.    

(laughs)

INSTRUCTOR: Gently holding    

onto the rein. Awesome.    

You did it.

KOURTNEY: Bye, horse.    

KENDALL: Thank you, guys.

INSTRUCTOR: You're so    

welcome.

KENDALL: Do you want that    

gray hair or do you want me to

get it for you?    

KOURTNEY: Where?

KENDALL: Right here.    

Literally right in front.

It's so gray.    

KOURTNEY: Let me see.

Oh, it's this long?    

KENDALL (laughing): Yeah.

KOURTNEY: Do you think it    

just grew really fast or do you

think it's been there?    

KENDALL (laughing): I think

it's been there.    

Right? I don't think they grow

that fast.    

KOURTNEY: I think it, maybe

it just grew overnight.    

So, I just had therapy with

Scott.    

KENDALL: Ooh, how was it?

KOURTNEY: It was good.    

KENDALL: I like that you guys

still go.    

KOURTNEY: It's, like, we have

to talk, like, really proper,    

like, with this girl and be

like, "I feel..."    

Or, like, instead of saying,

"Well, you did it because    

"da-da-da," like, you can't do,

like, mind reading.    

So I have to say, "I'm guessing

that you did this because blah",    

blah, blah, blah."

Like, instead of just saying you    

did it because whatever.

KENDALL: Has he brought her    

around more?

KOURTNEY: I don't know.    

I mean, he just apologized.

KENDALL: That's good.    

KOURTNEY: I did see his side

a little bit 'cause I was like,    

"I feel like you're doing things

selfishly."    

And he's like, "I'm doing things

for myself, but also because it"    

makes me happy and I'm putting

that onto the kids.    

Like, they can know, and I don't

want to lie to them and I don't    

want them to think that I'm

not being truthful about certain    

"things." So...

KENDALL: Yeah. That makes    

sense. ]] KOURTNEY: Yeah.    

After our last fight, Scott and

I had another therapy session    

and he apologized.

I'm not trying to control the    

situation, you know.

That's just me being an involved    

mother.

Ultimately, we're going to have    

disagreements, but I think we do

a really amazing job of getting    

along and working together and,

you know, trying to do our best    

to really just put the kids

first.    

♪ ♪    

KHLOE: Kanye's family, with

his cousins, they think they    

have this in the bag.

We're like, "(bleep) it."    

Whatever."

SCOTT: Something wrong with    

her hand?

KOURTNEY: She has carpal    

tunnel. ]] SCOTT: Wow.    

(Kim grunts)    

♪ ♪

KRIS: Jonathan!    

Welcome to Los Angeles.

JONATHAN: Hi, guys.    

What's up? ]] KRIS: Mwah.    

So happy you're here.

JONATHAN: I'm so happy to be    

here.

Straight from Miami at  :   in    

the morning. Wow.    

KRIS: Kanye hijacked my team.

JONATHAN: How did this    

happen? So I am your...    

KRIS: Yeah, you're my family.

JONATHAN: That's it.    

KRIS: That's all I got left.

JONATHAN: Well, it's good    

enough, trust me. KRIS: I know.    

KIM: Are you doing it or just

watching?    

MJ: I don't know.

Is Jonathan coming?    

KIM: Jonathan is here.

KRIS: There's Pollyanna.    

KHLOE: Mom, stop calling me

(bleep) Pollyanna.    

I'm not (bleep) Pollyanna.

KRIS: Oh, my God.    

The hormones have kicked in.

Full speed ahead.    

CICI: Hi. ]] KANYE: Hi.    

CICI: I'm so glad you're

here, but you took Kim off our    

team. KANYE: You guys are still    

gonna do good.

MJ: Hi. How are you?    

I've missed you so much.

KANYE: You look great.    

KIM: So, Jonathan came and

now my grandma's here.    

I mean, the fact that he flew

all the way over here and that    

my grandma showed up.

WOMAN: And she's, by the way,    

glammed and looks amazing.

KIM: And the fact that she    

spent all that time.

KANYE: I like it when the.    

Family Feud.

That'd be, like, fresh.    

KHLOE: Oh, there you are.

No, no, no. Excuse me.    

I am so over both you two.

(whispering): Jonathan should    

not be on our team.

KIM: I know, but we flew him    

out, we flew him out.

KHLOE: But you were    

"doll-hauling" to fly him out.

No one else was.    

KIM: Because Mom couldn't get

ahold of Grandma.    

KHLOE: That's just so lame.

KIM: I mean, I love my    

grandma, obviously, and in a

perfect world, she should be on    

the team, for sure, but how do I

break the news to Jonathan that    

he's not gonna play when he just

got on a plane at the drop of a    

dime?

I wouldn't waste someone's time    

like that. Wait, you guys.    

What do we do about Jonathan?

'Cause grandma's here.    

TRACY: He's in hair and

makeup right now by the way.    

KHLOE: I want... put grandma

in it; Tell Jonathan sorry.    

TRACY: You can't add, like, a

sixth player?    

CICI: It really hurt her

feelings.    

She does want to play, but she's

saying she doesn't.    

KIM: Okay, so someone has to

talk to Jonathan.    

KHLOE: It's your friend.

KIM: And I'm not doing that.    

KHLOE: It's such a

cluster (bleep).    

Everyone's fighting.

There's real family feuds going.    

Family Feud.

KIM: Let's go talk to Mom.    

KENDALL: So it's gonna be Mom

first.    

KHLOE: Wait, hold on.

We all think MJ should be on.    

Family Feud.

This is the Kardashians, and she    

wants to play.

She's saying she doesn't 'cause    

she feels bad.

And Kim doesn't want to tell.    

Jonathan, but, like, Jonathan's

not part of our family.    

It's (bleep) weird.

KRIS: Jonathan just flew here    

from Miami.

KHLOE: We don't care.    

He's still here and we're fine.

KENDALL: So why isn't.    

Jonathan on Kim's team?

KHLOE: Yeah, so if Kim wants    

him, Kim should have him.

COREY: They're still missing    

two players, by the way.

KRIS: Yeah, Jonathan should    

be on your team.

KIM: Okay, but how do we tell    

his cousins?

KRIS: Well, you just tell    

them.

He flew here all the way from.    

Miami.

You're the one who flew him    

here. ]] COREY: I'll tell him.    

KIM: No, no, no.

You tell... Wait.    

I got to call Kanye in here.

Babe, babe, will you come    

in here? KANYE: Yeah, hold up.    

KRIS: Why doesn't someone...

KIM: So excited, she, like,    

woke up early, got her hair and

makeup done.    

KANYE: No, Jonathan's a big boy.    

KRIS: Can't Jonathan be on

your team?    

KANYE: No, we got enough people.    

KRIS: I thought you were

missing two people.    

KHLOE: Why can't you guys

just tell Jonathan he can't    

play? Like, what's the big deal?    

KIM: 'Cause he flew all the

way from Miami, got up at  :      

in the morning to come, and he

had an event.    

No, he had an event today.

KRIS: She said she didn't    

know if she would feel good

today or not, and it was a h*t    

or miss, and I said, "Well, we

can't have a h*t or miss."    

KANYE: Y'all look so fresh

with her.    

She's so, like, regal and, like,

smart and, like, so fresh.    

KIM: So we got to kick

someone off of your team.    

KANYE: Why? For Jonathan?

KIM: Yeah. We flew him out.    

KANYE: I love Jonathan.

I'm not finna kick one of my    

family members off of TV they

first time on TV for Jonathan.    

Jonathan get on TV all the time

and stuff.    

KRIS: Why don't you go talk

to MJ, Kim?    

KIM: 'Cause, Mom, I...

KHLOE: This is your thing.    

KIM: No. This is your mother.

♪ ♪    

CICI: Oh, hi.

KRIS: Where's my mom?    

CICI: She's in the ladies room.    

KRIS: Did you tell everybody

that her feelings were hurt    

because she wasn't gonna do the

show?    

CICI: No, I said...

KRIS: 'Cause we flew Jonathan    

here from Miami in the middle of

the night, so why start this    

this morning?

CICI: Well, 'cause they asked    

me. ]] KRIS: Who asked you?    

CICI: Kim.

She said, "I didn't know my"    

grandma was here.

Why isn't she on the show?"    

KRIS: Yeah, because nobody

knew she was coming, and then    

she said she wanted to come

watch.    

CICI: Listen, I just told the

truth.    

KRIS: I know, but...

be a politician.    

So are her feelings hurt?

CICI: Ask her.    

KRIS: Mom! CICI: She says no.    

KRIS: Well, then why would

you say they are?    

CICI: 'Cause she's also said

they were.    

KRIS: Okay, you said that you

didn't know if you were gonna    

feel well or not today, so we

had to fly Jonathan in from.    

Miami. No, I'm just saying.    

I know, but I'm...

Now, Cici was saying that your    

feelings were hurt.

MJ: No, I didn't.    

KRIS: Because you weren't on

the show, and I just want to    

make sure that we have this

right.    

MJ: No, no.

That wasn't about Jonathan.    

KRIS: We can't just tell...

a TV show with hundreds of    

people.

MJ: I already have a lady    

taking me to the audience.

KRIS: Kim created this mess,    

and I have to clean it up.

Just another f*re to put out.    

(laughs) Oh, my God.

They're trying to figure it out.    

They can tell Jonathan he can't

be on the show if you want to be    

on it. MJ: No, Jonathan's fine.    

Like I said, he's young and

he'll know all the answers.    

KRIS: Can somebody go talk

to her?    

WOMAN: Tracy?

KRIS: It has to be somebody    

with a softer approach.

I'm being too direct.    

TRACY: Do you want me to go

talk to her?    

KRIS: Yeah.

TRACY: I'll get the final    

answer. Hi, MJ.    

Did you want to do it?

Are you doing it?    

MJ: No, Jonathan's doing it.

TRACY: But the thing is, if    

you want to do it...

MJ: No, no, I don't want to    

take his place 'cause he had to

come a long ways.    

TRACY: I think he'll be

totally fine and understand.    

MJ: No, I would've loved to

have done it, but if Jonathan    

came all that way, that's fine.

STEVE: Ideally, what do you    

want to work out?

COREY: MJ just stand next to    

you and... ]] STEVE: Who's MJ?    

COREY: That's her mother.

STEVE: That's the grandma?    

COREY: That's the boss.

KRIS: We flew somebody in    

last night because we didn't

have a player, and now my mom is    

like, "Well, what about me?"

And I'm like, "Oh, my God."    

COREY: She really wants to

play, like, she thinks she was    

playing.

TRACY: She doesn't want to be    

in the way, but she does want...

I know she wants to play.    

STEVE: Let me solve this

problem.    

Let me get Gaby.

She's executive producer.    

She's the only one who can solve

this problem.    

KRIS: I mean, there's just

not even any words for how    

ridiculous it is that Steve

Harvey then has to step in and    

try to figure this mess out for

us, so that everybody's happy.    

KIM: Jonathan, have you heard

the drama?    

JONATHAN: Nothing.

What happened?    

I was in hair and makeup.

I haven't even changed yet.    

COREY: So we got this fixed.

So it's all done.    

STEVE: We gonna put the

grandmother next to Kris.    

They're gonna share a mic.

They can argue and discuss they    

answers.

First time they've ever done    

six, but y'all special, they

gonna make it happen for you.    

KIM: They were about to kick

you off.    

I really fought hard for you.

JONATHAN: I would've    

literally, it would've been a

brawl in here after this hell.    

KIM: Honestly, Steve Harvey

really came through and figured    

this out for us.

The Kardashian side could have    

six players.

Everyone can play, and I think    

it still evens out.

Still a fair trade.    

KENDALL: How much longer do

you think?    

KHLOE: They're ready for us

as soon as we're ready, so    

everyone use the restroom and do

what they got to do.    

KRIS: Okay.

MAN: So nice to meet you.    

WOMAN: Wait with me.

MAN: Right this way.    

This way, you guys.

KIM: I think I can take on    

the fact that that team has more

players, and I feel really    

confident about my team.

I mean, it's me and Kanye for    

sure.

We definitely are gonna win    

this. ♪ ♪    

MAN: Right this way.

Right this way, you guys.    

(indistinct chatter)

KHLOE: The audience doesn't    

know it's us. Family Feud!    

Family Feud.

KENDALL: I'm so nervous    

'cause I just say stupid things,

so I feel like I would blurt out    

something stupid, and I don't, I

don't really watch the show, to    

be honest, so I... yeah.

I just don't know how this whole    

thing works.

ANNOUNCER: Are you ready,    

Kardashians? (Audience cheering)    

KHLOE: There's supposed to be

five people on each team.    

We're the morons who have six

people now.    

I don't even know what's going

on, just smile for the camera.    

STEVE: I don't know if you

will ever see all of them    

together again like this on the

show, but we got them right now.    

KHLOE: Kanye, he's an expert

at Family Feud.    

Him and Kim watch this every

night together.    

KIM: Go! ]] KRIS: Uh-oh.    

KHLOE: They study it, they

play this game.    

STEVE: Name a reason you

think Steve Harvey's a good    

kisser. ]] KANYE: Lips.    

(bell rings)

KHLOE: And, of course, the    

first round, we lost.

I don't want to look like a    

moron. I came here for (bleep)    

Kimberly, and now she's not even

on my team.    

STEVE: If you had a wild

party, and everyone is naked,    

name someone you'd hate to see

show up.    

KENDALL: I h*t the buzzer a

little bit slower, but...    

KIM WALLACE: My dad.

KENDALL: Her answer just    

wasn't as good as mine.

Donald Trump.    

(laughter)

KHLOE: Kendall is actually    

really good.

Then the Kardashians pick up the    

pace. STEVE: Name an animal with    

spots. ]] CICI: A Dalmatian.    

JONATHAN: What about a leopard?    

KRIS: A cheetah?

At the end of the day, truth    

prevails.

STEVE: This is for the win, a    

cheetah. (Bell rings)    

(audience cheers) KRIS: We won.    

Yep, that'll show you, Kim.

(buzzer sounds)    

KENDALL: You could've been on

the winning side, but you    

left us.

KIM: Kanye's cousins sunk it    

for us, not gonna lie.

KHLOE: Kim, that's what you    

(bleep) get for leaving our

team.    

Family Loser.    

♪ ♪    

REIGN: Watch, Mommy, watch.

KOURTNEY: Is this not the    

cutest kid in the universe?

Where'd she come from?    

SCOTT: Is something wrong

with her hand?    

KOURTNEY: She has carpal tunnel.    

SCOTT: From taking selfies?

KIM: Yeah. I have to do,    

like, tons of exercises.

KOURTNEY: She had such a    

problem that she was making

Paxy take the selfies.    

SCOTT: Can't you put your

finger on the back?    

KIM: No, the doctor just

says, like, this motion isn't    

good, like, it should be more

pointed down.    

Like a straight wrist.

SCOTT: That's not good for    

business.

KIM: I know, so I got to do    

what I got to do, so I'm just

doubling up on exercises, and    

it's all good. I did it.    

I limited taking selfies and

Snapchats, and my wrist really    

was better.

KRIS: I still think you have    

a bit of an obsession.

KIM: It's, like, legit how I    

make my money, so you should be,

like, begging me to stay on.    

KRIS: Get that money, honey.

Get it.    

KIM: I'm, like, fully healed.

KOURTNEY: I'm gonna challenge    

you, make you open a jar.

KIM: With my wrist?    

I can open a jar.

KOURTNEY: Yeah. No.    

KIM: I'll go get a jar of

pickles.    

SCOTT: Can you get me a

kosher pickle?    

REIGN: f*re.    

(Kim grunts)

KOURTNEY: Does that hurt?    

KIM: Mm-mm.

KOURTNEY: I think it does.    

Maybe...  % sure.    

KIM: (grunting)

I (bleep) really can't do this.    

KOURTNEY: You work out, like,

four days a week.    

KIM: This is a problem.

(grunting)    

I literally can't open it.

Oh, my God.    

KOURTNEY: Let me see if...

I just want to see if I can open    

it. ]] KIM: That is...    

SCOTT: Sounds like you're

giving birth in here.    

KIM: You couldn't either.

KOURTNEY: Hold on.    

I'm very strong. (Grunting)

(laughs)    

KIM: We cannot open this jar.

No, see if Scott can.    

KOURTNEY: (grunting)

I'm stronger than Scott.    

SCOTT: Let me see.    

KIM: On the next episode...

What the (bleep) is going on?    

KOURTNEY: We're doing a flash

mob.    

We're gonna embarrass Kim.

KHLOE: Oh, my God.    

CHOREOGRAPHER: Ah, da, ah,

boom, ah.    

KOURTNEY: Wait, what?

Who's your guardian if something    

happens to you? It's me, right?    

KHLOE: I'm going back and

forth between Kourtney or Kim.    

KRIS: You just have to think

where would I want my child    

being raised?

KOURTNEY: Did you decide what    

you're doing?
{"type": "series", "show": "Keeping Up With the Kardashians", "episode": "15x05 - The Family Feud"}