Doctor: I see you brought your wife along for moral support.

Russ: Yeah. She's here to make sure I go through with it.

Doctor: No one likes getting cut down there.

A vasectomy's a very simple procedure.

An incision is made above the testicles.

We sever the tubes, then we seal them.

That's it. No more sperm in the ej*cul*te.

How cool is that?

Russ: So cool.

Doctor: May I ask what birth control method you're currently using?

Russ: Oh, uh, abstinence.

Lina: Condoms.

Russ: But mostly abstinence.

Doctor: What made you decide that a vasectomy is the right procedure?

Russ: Oh, I didn't decide.

This was pretty much all her.

Doctor: Really?

Lina: I just don't want him going off and starting a new family.

He can barely afford the one that he has.

Russ: Wow. You know what? While you're down there, just take the whole thing off. I don't need it.

Lina: I'm comfortable with that.

S01E03

The Getaway

Russ: Yeah, I think Lina feels bad about the whole surgery thing, so, she's taking me on a little romantic getaway.

Jess: Oh.

AJ: Oh.

Jess: It's like a... vasectomy-moon.

Russ: I guess.

AJ: One last trot around the track before you're carted off to the glue factory.

Jess: Who's watching the kids?

Russ: What? You are.

Jess: What?

Russ: Dude, that's...

Jess: Since when?

Russ: We talked...

Since...

Jess (Laughing): I'm messing with you.

AJ (Laughing): Looking so dumb.

Russ: So not cool.

No, I'm just excited for the hotel sex.

We haven't had real sex in our own bed since, like, the kids.

Jess: Mm.

Russ: I feel like hotel sex is the only thing that's left anymore.

Jess: Oh, yeah.

I would k*ll someone for hotel sex.

Shep doesn't even look at me anymore.

AJ: Jess, what do you expect? You married an old guy.

Jess: No, that's not what it is. It's that I'm, like...

I annoy him. Like, I'm annoying.

Oh, thanks, assholes.

(Laughter)

Do you know that I told him the other day...

I went up to him, and I was, like, "I've been sexting the neighbor," and it was just, like, nothing.

AJ: Wait. What?!

Russ: You sexted the neighbor?

Jess: We were just joking around.

But his wife... she has no sense of humor.

AJ: Oh, she doesn't like you sexting her husband? She's terrible.

Jess: She doesn't want other people to be happy?

That's messed up.

AJ: Totally.

Jess: Right.

Russ: Yeah.

AJ: She's really unreasonable.

Jess: You shut up.

You... what time are you dropping your kids off tomorrow?

Russ: No idea.

AJ: Whenever, man.

What is time?

Jess: Thanks, brah.

Russ: I wish.

(Lina and Jess laughing)

Russ: Thank you guys.

Shepard: All right.

Jess: Have fun!

Lina: Okay.

Jess: And don't worry about your children.

Shepard: Hey, is it okay if we take 'em for ice cream?

Lina: Honestly, I don't care what you feed 'em.

Russ: Feed them rocks.

Shepard: Got it. Rocks.

Russ: Bye. Thanks again.

(Car horn toots)

Charlene: Excuse me. Do you have a second?

Shepard: Uh, look, Jess is sorry about texting your husband.

She just... she gets carried away.

Uh, but it's never gonna happen again.

Jess: I'm sorry.

Shepard: She's sorry.

Charlene: Marco never came home last night.

We had a fight, and he's not picking up his phone.

Have you guys been in contact?

Jess: No.

I swear, we have not.

Total bitch, right?

Shepard: Yeah.

Lina: Are we crazy for leaving our kids with that psycho?

Russ: I don't know. Shep's sort of normal.

Lina: He married her.

Russ: Open my wallet right now.

Look inside.

Tell me what you see.

(Lina gasps)

Lina: What?!

A condom?

Russ: Right?

Not only a condom.

The last condom.

The very last condom that you and I will ever use together.

Lina: The end of an era.

Russ: Indeed.

Russ: Wow.

Lina: I know.

Russ: Can we afford this?

Lina: I got a groupon.

Russ: 'Cause you're the best.

Lina: I am.

Russ: Wow.

Lina: I feel like this place is gonna make a k*ller Margarita.

Russ (Whispering): What's with all the khaki?

Lina: Oh.

"Welcome Nordoff Worldwide."

We're at a company retreat.

Russ: I can work at Nordoff.

Lina: You wouldn't last five minutes at Nordoff.

Russ: I could be a businessman.

Lina: Uh-uh.

Russ: Pork futures.

Lina: Really?

Russ: It's the future of pork.

Lina: That's not what futures is.

Russ: Hi. I'm David Nordoff. This is my wife Gail.

(Lina laughing)

We're about to use our last condom, so...

Lina: Sorry.

Russ: Do not disturb.

Russ: The guy gave it to me.

Thought I put it in the bag.

Lina: I know better than to trust you with a key.

Kim: Are you serious?

Tyler: No.

Kim: Did you lose the key in two minutes?

Tyler: No. Hey.

Russ: Hey.

Tyler: No, I think I gave it to you in the lobby.

Kim: No, you did not!

Tyler: I'm pretty sure I did, though.

Kim: No. Look.

Remember, the guy gave it to me...

Kim: And then... then the guy took all our stuff...

Kim: No.

(Lina sighs)

(Toilet flushing)

(Door opening)

Lina: Hey.

Russ: Hi.

What, uh... what happened to the thing I got you?

Lina: Um... I took it back... and got this.

Russ: It looks good.

Lina: So... want to do it?

Russ: Sure.

Ow. Your knee is...

Lina: What?

Russ: Oh, it's fine. I think I need you to...

I need you to warm me up or something.

Lina (Whispering): My jaw's getting sore.

Russ: Oh, shit. I fell out.

Lina: Oh, we can get it back.

Russ: No.

Lina: Come on.

Russ: I can't.

Lina: Oh.

(Lina groans)

(Russ sighs)

(Tyler and Kim moaning on other side of wall)

(Bed squeaking)

Russ: Oh, my God.

(Tyler moans)

(Russ sighs)

Tyler: You like that?

Russ: I mean...

Tyler: You like that? Huh?

Kim: Yes. Oh.

Lina: Can they hear us not having sex?

(Loud moaning)

Russ: Oh, look. It's the screamers.

Lina: Oh, man.

Her ass is so tiny.

Russ: Mm-hmm. It is.

Lina: Does that get you hard?

Russ: It probably would.

Lina: Well, look at it.

Lina: Whew!

Kim: Are you guys with Nordoff?

Russ: Uh, as a matter of fact, yeah.

Yeah, I run the, uh, green tech division.

I replaced Peterson. His wife...

Lina: He's lying to you.

Kim: Oh. (Chuckles)

Russ: Sorry.

He's... we're on a romantic getaway.

Kim: Oh, wow.

Lina: What about you guys?

Kim: Uh, I'm-I'm at Nordoff. But Tyler's my plus one.

Lina: Oh.

Tyler: I'm a constant plus one.

Kim: No, he's a really... actually a great chef.

Lina: Really?

Kim: Mm-hmm.

Tyler: Well, I mean, like, not technically yet.

Like, I'm not a chef yet.

Kim: Well, you're going to be.

Kim: We're gonna, um, open a restaurant so I can quit my stupid job.

And call it TK's.

Russ: We used to have a TK's.

Our own little TK's.

Lina: Yeah.

Russ: Little surf shop in Venice.

Tyler: Cool.

Kim: Oh, wow.

Lina: It was a really bad investment, but it was super cute.

We did all right for a little while.

Lina: No, we didn't, actually, but it was fun.

Kim: You know, while you're young.

Tyler: Yeah.

(Doorbell rings)

Charlene: I need to talk to your wife.

He's ignoring all my calls and texts.

I'm so sorry. I don't really understand how I could help here.

I thought that maybe, you know, he'd respond to you.

Jess: I think probably that should just end, don't you?

Charlene: No. No, you know, just... just can you communicate with him?

Like, the way that you communicate with him?

Shepard: I believe she's asking you to sext her husband.

Jess: All right, I don't think that that's a very good idea.

Shepard: She would love to help you.

Russ: So apparently they just make a small incision just right above the testicle and then they go in with two metal pliers, basically, and stretch the incision out a little bit, pull the two tubes out...

Tyler: That sounds awful, man. It sounds bad.

Lina: You feel a pinch.

Tyler: Remember when we, uh... when we fixed Brutus?

Kim: Oh, God. God, that was really sad.

Lina: I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

Russ: What happened?

Tyler: I mean, at first, nothing.

He just walked around the apartment humping everything like normal and then...

Kim: He humped a lot.

Tyler: One day the humping just stopped.

I mean, it's like he... he realized that there was no point anymore.

So now he just sleeps all day on the couch.

It's a bummer.

Kim: Aw, he's a good dog.

Tyler: He is.

Well, I'm pruning up. We should get back to the room.

Kim: Yeah.

Lina: Good luck with chef school.

(Moaning through wall)

(Bed squeaking)

Lina: Do you want to try again, honey?

Russ: No.

Lina: Oh, come on. You want to?

Russ: I need to take a walk.

Ina: Okay, baby. I'm going to wait here.

Russ: I bet he's got his finger in her ass.

I bet he's got his thumb, like...

Right up there.

(Moaning continues)

Tyler: Hey, dude.

Russ: Hey.

Tyler: Kim's taking a nap.

Russ: Yeah, Lina, too.

Tyler: Yeah. Guess we wore 'em out, huh?

(Both chuckle)

Russ: You-you know it.

Tyler: Can I get one of these?

Do you like cars?

Russ: Yeah.

Tyler: Check this guy out.

Russ: Nice.

Tyler: Yeah, right?

Russ: Wow. That a road runner?

Tyler: Yep.

Russ: Early '70s?

Tyler: Uh, '69.

Russ: Mm, second year they made 'em.

Tyler: Wow, dude.

Droppin' knowledge. Impressive. You're a lot cooler than I thought.

Russ (Chuckles): Thank you.

Oh, that's really beautiful.

Tyler: A man can dream, right?

Russ: How far away is it?

Tyler: Not far.

Russ: You want to go check it out?

How much are they asking?

Tyler: Eight grand.

Russ: No.

Tyler: Yeah.

Dude, I mean, this thing's got to be worth three times that.

Tyler: I mean, I guess they just want to get rid of it.

Russ: Aw, shit.

If I was your age, I would go for it.

I mean, you have no kids, no mortgage.

A wife with a good job.

I mean, look at this thing.

Oh, it's so sweet, dude.

Tyler: Eight grand is a lot of money though.

It's not though. I mean, if you have it and you can do it...

I don't know.

I would do it.

Tyler: Can you believe it?!

Russ: I feel so cool.

Tyler: Dude, this is my muscle car.

Russ: Dude, congratulations.

Tyler: Thank you.

Russ: This is awesome.

Tyler: Yeah.

I just want to really and sincerely thank you for helping me pull the trigger on this.

I never would've done it unless I met you and you, like, pushed me to do it.

Russ: No. Sometimes you just need that push, you know?

Tyler: Chef school can wait.

I mean, Kim will get it, right?

Russ: What?

This was your chef school money?

You said it was a good investment.

I can get, like, three times what I paid for it, right?

Russ: I mean... yeah.

I'm not exactly an expert, so, you know, I...

It's just, you know, with the...

You know, economy.

(Tyler whoops)

Charlene: So, uh, how does it usually start?

Jess: I don't know. This is weird.

It never went that far. We were just joking around.

What did you guys joke about?

Jess: I don't know, just stupid... like, "oh, neither one of us are having very much sex, like, um, with our partners."

Shepard: Well, maybe you could joke about that right now.

'Cause it's funny.

(Jess sighs)

Jess: "Shep... is asleep...

On... the sofa.

What are... you up to?"

(Phone chimes)

He knows that he's not supposed to text me, so he's not going to respond, okay?

Charlene: Okay.

(Phone dings)

Is that... is that him?

Jess: Um...

Shepard: "Just thinking about you."

That's so sweet.

"Wanna play?"

(Phone chimes)

(Phone dings)

"Only want to play if it's dirty."

"Thinking about... your balls."

Jess: No, you're not. No. Mm-mm.

Shepard: Well, change what you don't like.

Jess: "I've been a very bad girl.

Forgot... to... wear... panties.

Uh-oh."

(Phone chimes)

(Phone dings)

Shepard: "Sounds like you need to be punished."

Okay, so, working off of that, how do you think you should be punished?

Seriously.

Charlene: Yeah.

Jess: Okay, fine.

"I deserve to be tied up."

Shepard: That's right. Eh, uh...

Jess: "And... peed on"?

Shepard: See, now that sounds right.

(Phone chimes)

Charlene: What is wrong with you people?

Shepard: Excuse me.

We're trying to help you.

Jess: Okay, can we just regroup for a second?

We were just joking around.

Nobody was ever gonna act on anything, okay?

(Phone dings)

Shepard: "Let's meet up."

How 'bout that?

Charlene: Yeah, okay.

Yeah, let's do it.

"I'll be there.

Pick a place.

Getting excite...

Getting wet.

Gushing...

Thinking about it."

(Phone chimes)

(Phone dings)

Shepard: "Valley Oak Bar, north Hollywood.

On my way."

Charlene: Okay, let's go.

Jess: Let's not, let's not.

(Shortgh) Let's not.

Jess: Not him.

It's not him.

Shepard: He's late.

I don't think he's coming.

Jess: Yeah.

Charlene: Well...

Maybe... maybe he's not, but maybe... maybe I should be sexual messaging neighbors.

Maybe that will get his attention, you know?

Or maybe I'll go brunette.

Maybe I should just shave off all my hair... pubes, too.

You know, maybe I should get boobs, but... maybe I'll just get bigger drinks.

Shepard: I think it might be time to cut Charlene off.

Jess: Oh, you think so?

Shepard: And get her home.

Shepard: You know what, sweetie? Charlene and I were talking, and I just explained to her that sometimes people send texts and just, like you said, this is not... he's not gonna act on it, and it's...

Jess: Right.

Charlene: Right.

Shepard: He's not gonna show up, and you have nothing to worry...

But we'll just... We'll get, we'll get her a cab and she's... gonna go home.

Charlene: Yeah.

Shepard: It's gonna be okay.

Charlene: Thank you.

Jess: Oh, oh, you know what...

Shepard: Yeah, okay.

Charlene: Thank you.

Shepard: Okay.

That was weird.

Jess: Yup.

Shepard: Yeah.

I said it's gonna be fine, but I don't think so.

Jess: No.

Shepard: No, I-I don't think those two are gonna make it.

Jess: I don't think so, either, especially since he just showed up at this bar.

And I waved him off.

And that was that.

Shepard: You're smooth.

Jess: I'm very smooth.

Are you still mad at me?

Shepard: No. No, no... no.

Jess: No, you're not, because you kind of like it when I get us into these jams... that's kind of your thing.

Shepard: I knew who I was marrying.

You're really a lot of trouble.

Jess: Mm-hmm.

Lina: Where are those guys?

Kim: I don't know.

Sounds like a real bro-fest.

Lina: Russ always makes friends.

(Engine rumbling)

(Horn honks)

Tyler: What do you think? Huh?

Kim: Is that your guys' car?

Lina: No.

That is definitely not ours.

Tyler: I just bought this.

For us.

Kim: For us?

Well, I mean, like, I have my whole life to go to chef school, so...

Kim: You bought this stupid piece of shit for us?

Tyler: Well, it's not a stupid piece of shit.

Lina: Um, it's a...

It's a really a beautiful car.

Russ: It is, it's-it's, it is a... it's a '69.

Lina: Really?

Russ: Which... yeah, which was one of the first...

Lina: Wait, this is a '69?

Russ: Which was one of the first...

Kim: What about the restaurant?

Lina: That makes it even cooler.

Kim: That was our future.

The restaurant's still our future.

And, uh, Russ was saying that we should live in the now.

Lina: You know, restaurants usually fail within the first year, anyway, so...

Russ: They do, within the first year... some within six months.

Lina: He could actually be saving you money.

Russ: And you know what? You guys... you know, this is the time to-to ride free.

You know, with, like...

Lina: Once you start having kids... you're never gonna have a chance like this again.

Russ: Yeah, unencumbered.

Did this moron talk you into this?

He told me it was gonna be a really good investment.

Russ: That's not... No, you know what, I never actually, I, we didn't...

Did you just call my husband a moron?

Yeah, if he made my husband buy this car, then he's a moron.

Lina: Uh, my husband can't make anyone do anything.

Russ: That's true, I...

Lina: 'Cause my husband would never do anything this stupid.

Russ: Wait.

Lina: And if he did, he certainly wouldn't blame it on anyone else, right, honey?

Russ: Right.

Kim: I don't... I don't need your sad, boring old couple advice, okay?

I'm doing just fine alone.

Tyler: Babe, you should just take a ride in it.

(Lina and Russ laughing)

Russ: Do you remember when we were that dumb?

Lina: Baby, you're still that dumb.

I know, but that's how you like it.

Lina: I do.

Russ: Real dumb.

Lina: So dumb.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah!

So dumb.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

(Russ grunting)

(Lina screaming)

Oh, oh, my God!

Russ: Oh.

(Both moaning)

(Both breathing heavily)

Lina: Oh, yeah.

(Laughs)

(Laughing)

Can we do it again?

Russ: I don't...

We're out of supplies.

(Lina sighs)

(Knocking)

Russ: Uh, you don't happen to have an extra condom, do you?

Kim: Who the hell is that?

Tyler: Uh...

Lina: How did it go?

Russ: Barely felt a thing.

Doctor: Oh, hey, guys, uh, before I forget... no masturbating for 48 hours.

Russ: No problem.

Lina: You're never gonna make it.

Russ: No, not a chance.
{"type": "series", "show": "Married", "episode": "01x03 - The Getaway"}