[ Mendorax Dellora (Human Colony) Christmas Day 5343 ]

♪ Hark! The Herald Angels sing ♪

♪ "Glory to the newborn king!" ♪

♪ Peace on earth and mercy mild ♪

♪ God and sinners reconciled ♪

♪ Joyful, all ye nations, rise ♪

♪ Join the triumph of the skies... ♪

[ EXT. TARDIS - Night ]

( There is a note reading "Carol Singers will be CRITICISED" stuck to the TARDIS door. )

Nardole: ( mutters to himself ) Nothing there. Oh! This must be it.

( Nardole knocks on the TARDIS door. The Doctor answers. )

The Doctor: Is there anything on my head?

Nardole: Er, well, yes.

The Doctor: Describe it.

Nardole: Well, you've sort of got antlers.

The Doctor: Antlers?

Nardole: Yes, antlers.

The Doctor: Antlers!

( The Doctor returns inside the TARDIS, leaving the door ajar. )

Nardole: Hm.

( Antlers jingle )

The Doctor (O.C.): You are a time-space machine! You're a vehicle! I've never asked you to cheer me up with hologrammatic antlers! Thank you.

( The Doctor returns to the TARDIS door. )

The Doctor: Can I help you?

Nardole: Yes, are you the surgeon?

The Doctor: Close enough, why?

Nardole: Well, you know.

The Doctor: I don't know.

Nardole: There's a medical emergency.

The Doctor: Will there be singing?

Nardole: No.

The Doctor: Fine, then.

[ EXT. Street - Night ]

Nardole: We weren't sure where you'd come down.

The Doctor: Sorry?

Nardole: In your capsule.

The Doctor: I'm never sure. I don't like being sure about things. One minute you're sure, the next everybody turns into lizards and a piano falls on you.

Nardole: A piano?

The Doctor: It's been a long day.

Surgeon: Are you expecting a surgeon?

The Doctor: So what's the medical emergency?

Nardole: Didn't you read the agreement?

[ EXT. Park - Night ]

Nardole: There it is.

The Doctor: What?

Nardole: There, that's it.

The Doctor: That's what? Oh, the flying saucer. Is that new?

[ EXT. Flying Saucer - Night ]

Nardole: Come on.

Woman: Well, you took your time.

Nardole: Sorry, ma'am. This is him. This is the surgeon.

The Doctor: Hello.

Woman: You don't look much like your pictures.

The Doctor: That's an ongoing problem for me.

Woman: Doesn't look very impressive, does he? Nardole, what have you brought to my doorstep?

The Doctor: I've had a haircut, this is my best suit.

Woman: It's not even a suit.

The Doctor: Do I know you?

Woman / River: You most certainly do not. And now that you've met me, you'll do your very best to forget me.

The Doctor: River!

Nardole: Oi! Dr Song to you. Sometimes Professor, but mainly Doctor.

River: Don't use my name. Ever. How do you know me?

The Doctor: Well, it's a tiny bit complicated. People usually need a flowchart.

River: It doesn't matter. If either of you use my name again, I will remove your organs in alphabetical order. Any questions?

The Doctor: Which alphabet? Sorry, you really didn't want these questions, did you?

River: This way. We don't have a lot of time.

[ INT. Flying Saucer - Corridor - Night ]

The Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

River: My husband.

The Doctor: Your husband?

River: Didn't you read my message? My husband, yes. My husband is dying.

Nardole: Something wrong?

The Doctor: I think I'm going to need a bigger flowchart.

The Husbands of River Song

Original air date: 25 December, 2015

( Ecclesiastical singing )

[ INT. Flying Saucer - Night ]

River: Husband, I return to you.

King Hydroflax: Where is my queen?

River: Never far from you, my love.

Hydroflax: Aahhh.

The Doctor: No, wait. That's your husband?

River: Listen, you are being watched by four billion people. You are surrounded by warrior monks with sentient laser swords, genetically engineered anger problems and not enough to do. Best just stay still and keep your hands by your side.

The Doctor: No, wait... That's your husband?

River: My husband, your patient. King Hydroflax.

The Doctor: Yes, that's who you're married to, not anybody else?

Hydroflax: My love, attend me, woman!

River: I fly to you. Is there a problem?

The Doctor: Right, so you don't recognise me, then?

River: Why would I recognise you?

The Doctor: Oh, no reason. I don't like him. ( to Nardole ) Do you like him?

Nardole: Don't cross your arms.

The Doctor: He's a lying-down person. I don't like lying-down people. It's so untidy.

Nardole: Keep your arms by your side, like she said.

River: My one true love! The only husband I will ever have. My time with you has been too short.

Hydroflax: You have given me days of adventure and many nights of passion.

The Doctor: Oh-oh!

Nardole: Why d'you keep crossing them?

The Doctor: Because they cross, I've got cross arms.

Nardole: The end is near. I feel it.

River: Forgive me, my lord. I have acted against your instructions.

Nardole: My love?

River: If you die this day, this galaxy will drown any tears. Look at them -- your people! They watch and hope and pray. With so much at stake, I followed my heart. I disobeyed your orders... and sent for the finest surgeon in the galaxy!

( Crowd cheers on monitor )

( Nardole chuckles, playfully punches The Doctor on his arm and points. )

The Doctor: This might be an alarming question in the circumstance, but... you really do think I'm a surgeon, don't you?

Nardole: Oh...

The Doctor: OK, calm down, keep it together. Don't make puddles.

River: Surgeon. Attend your patient.

Nardole: Oh! ( whimpers )

The Doctor: Any tiny hint of species he might be?

Nardole: ( whimpers )

The Doctor: OK, never mind, you just stay there. You're probably going to need a mop.

River: Bow.

The Doctor: Sorry, what?

River: You are in the presence of his Infinite Majesty, King Hydroflax. You will bow.

The Doctor: Oh, no, I'm sorry, Your Majesty, I can't do that.

River: You what?

The Doctor: It's my back.

River: Your back?

The Doctor: Yeah, my back's playing up. It simply refuses to carry the weight of an entirely pointless stratum of society who contribute nothing of worth to the world and crush the hopes and dreams of working people.

Hydroflax: Can you save me, Surgeon?

The Doctor: Well, that depends upon what's wrong with you.

River: There's something in his brain.

The Doctor: You could have fooled me. ( Hydroflax gets angry and thrashes about. ) Oh, sorry. Sorry, just gallows humour. Probably the wrong word.

Nardole: Yeah, I would say it is.

River: My love, you must rest. The surgeon and I will discuss the procedure. Prepare, master of my life, to live anew.

( River Kisses Hydroflax on the forehead. )

River: Patience be with you all. Our King will rise again!

All: Our King will rise again. Our King will rise again! ( Chanting ) Hydroflax! Hydroflax!

[ INT. Flying Saucer - Night ]

The Doctor: All right, enough of this. The joke's over.

River: What joke?

The Doctor: Look at me.

River: Why?

The Doctor: I'm the Doctor.

River: You'd better be, you've got an operation to perform. Here's the entry wound, just below the hairline. And... there's the projectile. It should have k*lled him straight off, but he's very strong.

The Doctor: That's not a b*llet.

River: It's a diamond.

The Doctor: How did it get in there?

River: At speed. Do you recognise it?

The Doctor: No!

River: Yes.

The Doctor: The Halassi Androvar.

River: The very same. Hydroflax was leading the raid on the Halassi vaults. In the ensuing firefight, the whole thing blew up in his face, with the result that he now has the most valuable diamond in the universe lodged three inches inside his enormous head. So... can you remove it?

The Doctor: It's very small, it might be difficult to manoeuvre it.

River: Not the diamond. His head!

The Doctor: His head?

River: Yes. I think it would be easier just to remove the whole thing, don't you?

The Doctor: Wouldn't that k*ll him?

River: You're the medical expert, but I'd say so, yes.

The Doctor: Your husband?

River: Sort of.

The Doctor: Sort of?

River: I basically married the diamond. The Halassi want their diamond back, so they came to me.

The Doctor: Why?

River: I'm an archaeologist.

The Doctor: Slash m*rder slash thief.

River: An archaeologist is just a thief. With patience. Never had much of that. It'll fit in here, don't you think? I've checked it for leaks.

The Doctor: Is this what you're like when I'm not...?

River: Not what?

The Doctor: You're talking about m*rder someone.

River: No, I'm not. I'm actually m*rder someone. Cheer up, get a saw, I'll k*ll the lights, you k*ll the patient. I employed you! You agreed to this. Do you not know who that man is? King Hydroflax, the butcher of the Bone Meadows, who ends his battles by eating his enemies, d*ad or alive. The m*rder of a creature like that wouldn't weigh heavily on my conscience, even if I had one. What's that face? Are you... thinking? Stop it, you're a man, it looks weird.

The Doctor: I need more information.

River: For what?

The Doctor: For my diagnosis.

River: He's dying. We're about to steal his head and scoop out his brains. Aren't we overthinking?

The Doctor: I'll be the judge of that. I'm the Doctor.

River: You know who you remind me of?

The Doctor: Yes, probably a chap with a big...

River: My second wife.

( Hydroflax appears with guards in tow. )

River: Darling! You're up and about!

Hydroflax: False wife!

River: How much better you're looking!

Hydroflax: You plan to take my head.

River: Never crossed my mind. Is this your bag?

Hydroflax: Perhaps you should have just asked.

( Cyborg arm removes Hydroflax' head and places it on the table. )

River: Well! I wondered why we didn't share a bathroom.

The Doctor: You married a cyborg and you didn't even know it.

Hydroflax: I'll have you flogged and flayed and burnt. I will crush every last remnant of you from this universe.

River: How dare you! I'm your wife.

Hydroflax: You planned to m*rder me!

River: Don't change the subject.

Hydroflax: Why are you doing this? Who are you?

River: I'm Professor River Song. You have an ancient artefact of great value to good people, and whatever it takes, I'm going to bring it home to them. You have stolen so much from so many, King Hydroflax, and I'm the woman who's going to steal it all back.

Hydroflax: What are you?!

River: I'm an archaeologist. Look! I've got a trowel.

( Trowel whirs )

River: Ha-ha-ha!

The Doctor: Do not harm her! If you know what's good for you, do not lay a finger on that woman.

Hydroflax: Ignore him. att*ck!

The Doctor: Garbage disposal, right? Get ready to say, "Whee!"

Hydroflax: Put me down.

The Doctor: Back off from River Song. Give the order now. Get yourself under control.

Hydroflax: Do not att*ck the female.

River: Nobody move, or the head gets it!

The Doctor: Do you really have a sh**t trowel?

River: It's sonic.

The Doctor: Sonic trowel, you realise how ridiculous that sounds?

Hydroflax: Their thr*at are empty! Destroy them!

Cyborg: Negative. 78 percent of significant tissue damage.

Hydroflax: Do as you're told!

Cyborg: Decision overruled. Recommendation: chill.

The Doctor: Look at that, your body's got a mind of its own.

River: More like an onboard computer for the cybernetic component.

The Doctor: Plus in-built flash drive and vernacular friendly interface.

River: Cyber co-pilot.

The Doctor: Mobile life support.

River: Sexy.

The Doctor: It's not sexy.

River: It's a little bit sexy.

The Doctor: Why is everything sexy now?

River: Speaking of which... Ramone, prep for emergency extraction, two to go.

Ramone (O.C.): Standing by for teleport.

River: Put it in the bag.

The Doctor: Sorry?

River: The head. Put it in the bag.

Hydroflax: Do not put me in the bag.

River: Quickly, do it. Ramone, 20 seconds to jump.

Hydroflax: I will not be placed into a bag!

The Doctor: Stop shouting a minute if you want to go face-up.

Hydroflax: You will be crushed! You will be destroyed! You will beg my infinite mercy!

The Doctor: Oh, zip it!

River: Try to follow me and I'll put him in a blender. Ramone, now.

Cyborg: They will be tracked. They will be found.

[ EXT. Park - Night ]

River: Agh!

The Doctor: Ohh!

River: Ramone! Just once, can you get the height right?

Ramone (O.C.): Sorry, Professor.

Hydroflax: ( Muffled ) When I escape, I will bring terror to you and your family. There is no escape from the...

Ramone (O.C.): I'm on it. The capsule is really close.

( The Doctor laughs )

River: Is something funny?

Hydroflax: Who dares laugh at Hydroflax? You shall be crushed! You shall scream in fear! Let me out of this bag!

River: This is a serious mission in a critical phase. There is nothing to laugh about here.

The Doctor: We're being thr*at by a bag! By a head in a bag!

Hydroflax: I shall make dust of you. My enemies are meat for the devouring!

The Doctor: I can't approve of any of this, but I haven't laughed in a long time.

River: Good for you.

Hydroflax: Prepare to die in agony and submit to my supremacy! ( Shouts ) Unzip this bag!

The Doctor: You know, don't you?

River: Know what?

The Doctor: Stop pretending. You know who I am.

River: Who are you?

The Doctor: You know who I am, it's... it's... it's me.

River: Great. Who are you?

Ramone: Professor Song! Sorry, Professor, sorry about the height thing.

( River kisses Ramone passionately. )

River: Prove it.

The Doctor: Ugh! Doesn't it get dull after a while? As an activity, it's not hugely varied, is it?

River: I'm so sorry. This is my husband, Ramone.

The Doctor: Another one? Are you going to k*ll him, too?

Ramone: We're not actually married.

River: We are, in fact. I wiped it from your memory.

Ramone: Why?

River: You were being annoying. So, the Damsel, do we have a fix?

Ramone: Found the capsule just over in the village, but I can't locate Damsel. I've looked everywhere.

The Doctor: Who's Damsel?

River: Have you been thorough? It's not easy -- he does have 12 faces.

Ramone: None of these men are here. Are you sure it's one of these?

River: Yes! He only has these 12 faces. He'll be around here somewhere. This is the closest intersection with the Doctor's timeline. That's why I crashed Hydroflax's ship here.

The Doctor: Damsel.

Ramone: Codename: "Damsel in Distress". Apparently, he needs a lot of rescuing.

The Doctor: What if he has a face that you don't know about yet?

River: He has limits. Well, then, let's go find him.

[ INT. Flying Saucer - Night ]

Cyborg: You are in league with the former Queen.

Nardole: She employed me! I didn't really know anything.

Cyborg: You have information.

Nardole: Oh, hardly anything, really. A tiny bit.

Cyborg: You will give this information to us.

Nardole: Oh, absolutely! Course I will.

Cyborg: We will take the information.

Nardole: Anything you like. I'll even write it down for you.

Cyborg: That will not be necessary. You will be uploaded. We apologise for the inconvenience.

Nardole: Uploaded? How?

Cyborg: Recommendation: hold still.

Nardole: Ooh-ooh! No, this is no good. I don't like this.

Cyborg: Your cooperation is appreciated.

Nardole: I never agreed! No, this is unfair.

Cyborg: Pursuit now commences.

Nardole: This is too tall! I'm afraid of heights.

Cyborg: Recommendation: close your eyes.

Nardole: ( whimpers ) Aaargh!

[ EXT. Street - Night ]

Ramone: What if we can't find him? We need to get you off-world now.

The Doctor: "Off-world"? People never say that. Are you new?

[ EXT. TARDIS - Night ]

River: We can't hang around waiting, he could be ages.

The Doctor: Yes, he's probably off rebuilding a civilisation or defeating giant robot fish...

River: We'll just have to steal it.

The Doctor: .. from the ninth dimension. Sorry, what?

Ramone: The hopper is really close, we'd be out of here in less than ten minutes.

River: I need time travel. I need this TARDIS!

The Doctor: I'm sorry, the word "steal", somebody said "steal".

River: Yes. We're going to steal this box. Hush, you wouldn't understand.

The Doctor: You can't.

River: Why can't I?

The Doctor: You can't just steal a TA... a box.

River: Why not?

The Doctor: Look, it says "Police".

River: I have a key.

The Doctor: OK, this Damsel person, he sounds... he sounds pretty dangerous... ish.

River: It's a... time... machine. I can take it, do whatever I want for as long as I like and pop it back a second later, he'll never know it was gone.

The Doctor: Yes, he will.

River: How?

The Doctor: He'll just know.

River: Well, he's never noticed before.

The Doctor: Maybe... he'll notice now.

River: ( laughs ) I'll see you on Temple Beach. ( she kisses Ramone ) I've already picked out your swimwear.

Ramone: OK, but be careful.

River: Absolutely not. You, with me. Bring the head.

Ramone: ( to The Doctor ) Please, look after her for me.

River: Oh, before you come in, you'd better prepare yourself for a shock. It's not as... snug as it looks.

The Doctor: Finally.

Ramone: Finally?

The Doctor: It's my go.

[ INT. TARDIS - Night ]

The Doctor: Oh... my... God! It's bigger!

River: Well, yes.

The Doctor: On the inside!

River: We need to concentrate.

The Doctor: Than it is!

River: I know where you're going with this, but I need you to calm down.

The Doctor: On the outside!

River: You've certainly grasped the essentials.

The Doctor: My entire understanding of physical space has been transformed! Three-dimensional Euclidean geometry has been torn up, thrown in the air and snogged to death! My grasp of the universal constants of physical reality has been changed... forever. Sorry. I've always wanted to see that done properly.

River: Would you like a drink? Aldebaran brandy. Help yourself, but don't tell Dad.

( Beeping )

River: What's that noise?

The Doctor: It seems to have powered down, conserving batteries. It's an in-built life-support system. I'm not sure what powers it, but...

River: I really don't care. What's that noise?

The Doctor: I don't know. A signal? Distress call?

River: Homing beacon.

The Doctor: Possibly.

River: So the rest of him is coming?

The Doctor: He must be very cross -- he's lost his head.

River: Time we were off then.

( Vworp )

( Juddering )

The Doctor: You're doing it wrong.

River: I am certainly not.

The Doctor: Not those levers.

River: Hush.

The Doctor: You probably want to press that button.

River: Why?! That evacuates the waste t*nk on deck seven.

The Doctor: Does it?

River: What is wrong with you?

The Doctor: Better avoid deck seven then.

River: Something's interfering with the engines, which is technically not possible.

The Doctor: Maybe.

River: How would you know?

The Doctor: Maybe the engines are interfering with themselves. Wild theory, but what if this machine had certain safeguards. For instance, maybe it can't take off when a life form registers as being both inside and outside at the same time?

River: Head and body.

The Doctor: Which would mean -- and again, I'm just wildly theorising here -- that's the door would not engage properly.

River: Of course. It can't seal the real-time envelope.

The Doctor: Hence it can't take off. Not when someone is in and out at the same time. I mean, that just wouldn't be good manners, would it?

River: You're very quick.

The Doctor: Yes. For a Doctor.

River: Yes.

The Doctor: Seriously?

[ EXT. Street - Night ]

Nardole (O.C.): Hello? Hello, is that you?

Ramone: Nardole, is that you?

Nardole (O.C.): It's me, yes. Please, you've got to help me.

Ramone: What's wrong? Where are you?

Nardole (O.C.): In the alleyway. Can't you see me? Come a bit closer.

Ramone: What are you doing there?

Nardole (O.C.): Help me.

Ramone: Are you injured?

Nardole (O.C.): Well, er... yes.

Nardole: Sorry. So sorry. It made me!

Ramone: Nardole, why are you pointing a g*n at your own head?

Nardole: It's not my head! Well, it is my head, but it's not my g*n.

Ramone: What happened to you?

Nardole: Please. Just do as it says.

[ INT. TARDIS - Night ]

The Doctor: It's signalling. We have to assume the body is homing in on this.

River: So, how do we stop it?

The Doctor: Well, we could chop his head off. Oh, look...

River: Does sarcasm help?

The Doctor: Wouldn't it be a great universe if it did?

River: So, summing up, it's coming, we can't take off, we can't seal the doors.

The Doctor: Yep.

River: So... we just k*ll the head, right?

The Doctor: You can't sh**t the head in the face!

River: Why not?

Hydroflax: Aaarrgh!

The Doctor: Go on, then, tell him to put his hands up.

Hydroflax: Do not f*re if you value your lives.

The Doctor: Why, what are you going to do?

Hydroflax: k*ll me, and my body will burn.

The Doctor: Burn what?

Hydroflax: This world!

[ EXT. Alley - Night ]

Cyborg: Inquiry: are you acquainted with the criminal River Song?

Nardole: That wasn't me, that was him!

Cyborg: Repeat, are you acquainted with the criminal River Song?

Nardole: Please, just answer it.

Ramone: Yes.

Cyborg: You will take River Song a message.

Ramone: What message?

[ INT. TARDIS - Night ]

River: Suppose we believe you; how?

Hydroflax: My body contains a split quantum actualiser.

The Doctor: A perpetually s*ab black hole; that's your power source.

River: What sort of medical school did you go to?

The Doctor: A really good one for doctors.

Hydroflax: More than a power source. If necessary, a b*mb.

The Doctor: So you could wipe out this solar system.

Hydroflax: It wouldn't be the first.

River: It would be your last.

Hydroflax: A fitting end for the glory of Hydroflax.

The Doctor: So, why haven't you thr*at this before?

Hydroflax: A king does not endanger his people for no reason.

The Doctor: You're endangering them now.

Hydroflax: I'm cross.

Ramone (O.C.): ( banging at the door ) Dr Song, are you there? I have a message for you.

River: Ramone! Get in here! Ahh!

Ramone: You're going to die!

Hydroflax: k*ll her.

Ramone: No!

The Doctor: Put her down.

Hydroflax: k*ll her now!

Cyborg: Death initiating.

Ramone: I'm so sorry!

( The Doctor closes the TARDIS' doors. )

( VWORP! VWORP! )

Ramone: I'm sorry!

Hydroflax: Stop them! Stop them!

The Doctor: Where are we going?

River: Get the hell out!

Hydroflax: Stop them!

Cyborg: Death initiating.

The Doctor: You set the coordinates; where for?

River: Just get the damn head!

Hydroflax: k*ll them! Destroy them! k*ll them!

River: Here. With me.

[ INT. Corridors - Night ]

The Doctor: Where are we?

River: This way, come on.

The Doctor: What about the box? Stop holding my hand, people don't do that to me.

River: Hush.

The Doctor: Don't hush me. I'm not a hushing person.

[ INT. Plush Function Hall - Night ]

( Burbling )

Tannoy: We are currently cruising at warp factor 12.

[ EXT. Starship Harmony And Redemption - Night ]

Tannoy: Traversing the fourth galaxy of our seven-galaxy cruise. Next is the Andromeda galaxy.

[ INT. Starship Harmony And Redemption - Plush Function Hall - Night ]

Tannoy: Supernova approaching now to starboard.

Flemming: Ah, Dr Song. Your table is ready.

River: Flemming! How are the twins?

Flemming: Still digesting their mother, thank you for asking.

River: I'm sure it was a lovely ceremony.

Flemming: Oh, there were tears. And just a hint of screaming.

( They laugh )

River: Er, Flemming, I wonder, could you deadlock seal the baggage hold for me?

Flemming: It's a little irregular. The other passengers might want access.

River: Do you remember that time I was transporting dragon eggs?

Flemming: Consider it done.

( Bleeping, locks engaging )

Flemming: Is the gentleman here for dinner?

The Doctor: Yes, he is.

Flemming: Excellent! I'll have the chef prepare him immediately.

The Doctor: No, you won't.

River: He will in fact be joining me to eat.

Flemming: I was about to suggest that force-feeding might be required. ( polite laughter ) This way. Oh, may I take your bag?

River: Oh, no, that's fine, Thanks.

Hydroflax: ( Muffled ranting )

The Doctor: Sorry. It was my stomach.

Hydroflax: ( Muffled shouting )

The Doctor: I have an irritable bowel.

Hydroflax: My revenge will be merciless! I will rip you open and devour you!

The Doctor: It's having a day.

Hydroflax: You cannot escape!

Flemming: This way.

Hydroflax: Your actions will not go unpunished!

River: Here.

Hydroflax: Ow!

River: I don't suppose you mind if I freshen up. Not bad for 200, eh?

[ INT. Starship Harmony And Redemption - Dining Room - Night ]

The Doctor: 200?

River: I have an augmented lifespan. Long story.

The Doctor: So, what's the occasion?

River: I've got the diamond, now it's time to sell it.

The Doctor: I thought you were returning it to the Halassi?

River: Tell me, were you born boring, or did you have to work at it?

The Doctor: Where did you find a buyer?

River: Look around you. The starship Harmony And Redemption, minimum ticket price one billion credits, plus the provable m*rder of multiple innocent life forms. Suites are reserved for planet-burners. Thank you. Even the staff are required to have a verifiable history of indiscriminate slaughter. This is where genocide comes to kick back and relax. Do try the fish.

[ INT. Starship Harmony And Redemption - Hall - Night ]

( Banging )

Concierge: Mr Flemming, there's an issue.

[ INT. Starship Harmony And Redemption - Dining Room - Night ]

River: Why are you frowning?

The Doctor: How did you know?

River: It's audible.

The Doctor: Deadlock seals can be broken.

River: By geniuses. Hydroflax has a brain the size of a pea and it's currently under the table. He's gone back to sleep, I think.

The Doctor: You married him, though.

River: I told you, I married the diamond.

The Doctor: How?

River: I posed as his nurse. Took me a week.

The Doctor: To fall in love?

River: It's the easiest lie you can tell a man. They'll automatically believe any story they're the hero of.

The Doctor: River, there's, er... there's something I should probably tell you.

Waitress: Dr Song, your guest has docked, he should be with you in a very few minutes.

River: Thank you. Whenever he's ready.

Waitress: Of course.

The Doctor: What's the book?

River: Oh, it's my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on a spaceship.

The Doctor: Is it sad?

River: Why would a diary be sad?

The Doctor: I don't know, it's just that... you look sad.

River: It's nearly full.

The Doctor: So?

River: The man who gave me this was the sort of man who'd know exactly how long a diary you were going to need.

The Doctor: He sounds awful.

River: I suppose he is. I've never really thought about it.

The Doctor: Not somebody special then?

River: No. But terribly useful every now and then.

[ INT. Starship Harmony And Redemption - Anteroom - Night ]

Ramone (on monitor): Please! I just need you to get me out of here.

Concierge: He's in the main hold, sir, but you've deadlocked it.

Flemming: If you don't mind be observing, sir, you do seem a little nervous. Is someone thr*at you?

Ramone (on monitor): I'm the only one here.

Concierge: Confirmed, sir, there's only one reading in the hold.

Flemming: I'm on my way.

Concierge: Be careful, sir.

Flemming: Don't worry, I'll just stick my head round the door.

[ INT. Starship Harmony And Redemption - Dining Room - Night ]

The Doctor: So who is this buyer?

River: No idea, he just responded to the advert.

Scratch: Which of you is Song?

The Doctor: Who wants to know?

Scratch: I am Scratch.

River: Don't need your name. Are you empowered to purchase?

Scratch: I represent the Shoal of the Winter Harmony.

River: Don't care, don't want to know. I'll need immediate payment. Can you do that?

The Doctor: And could you either sit down or fetch us the wine list or something?

Scratch: You have the diamond?

River: Of course I have the diamond. Show me the money.

( Scratch splits his head making a squelching sound. )

The Doctor: Just a thought, you probably shouldn't do that in a restaurant.

Scratch: Once instructed, this will transfer the necessary funds to whatever account you choose.

River: Thank you.

Scratch: The diamond.

River: You're going to have to dig for it a bit, but somehow I don't think that's going to be a problem for you.

Scratch: Is this a deception?

River: No. The diamond is in there. This is a public place, there won't be any tricks.

Scratch: This is not a public place.

The Doctor: Block booking, that's clever.

River: You needn't have bothered. I've brought what you want. Please do assume that I have also taken precautions, and don't do anything that might make me cross and k*ll you.

Scratch: Statement accepted. The diamond is here?

( Hissing )

River: The payment, then.

Scratch: 100 billion credits. As we agreed. This accesses all the banks in the galaxy.

River: Thank you. Here you go, then. You may need to use a spoon or knitting needle or something.

Scratch: Be it known, we do not do this for ourselves.

River: I really don't care.

Scratch: We do it in honour of our distant and loving King, who once visited our world in blood and joy.

River: Well, isn't that lovely?

Scratch: We honour thee, we prostrate ourselves in your name... Hydroflax.

All (chanting): Hydroflax!

Scratch: For love of thee, we do this thing today. Hydroflax.

All (chanting): Hydroflax! Hydroflax! Hydroflax! Hydroflax!

Scratch: Give it. Give us the treasure.

All (chanting): Hydroflax! Hydroflax! Hydroflax!

Scratch: What is wrong?

The Doctor: Er... well, er... awkward.

[ INT. Starship Harmony And Redemption - Baggage Hold - Night ]

Flemming: I beg of you, not my head!

Cyborg: Information is required. You know of River Song, wife of Hydroflax?

Flemming: I do. I know River Song of old. And if you spare me, I'll tell you who she's really married to.

Cyborg: Explain.

Flemming: You need a head. I can get you a head... fit for a king.

[ INT. Starship Harmony And Redemption - Dining Room - Night ]

Scratch: Why do you delay? We have paid, we will receive.

The Doctor: Yes, you will. Of... by jingo, you will, yes, of course. But obviously, we have to, you know, er, check some...

River: Things.

The Doctor: Things. There are things that have to be checked before I get it to you. If we don't check the thing, then...

Scratch: We will receive!

The Doctor: Yes, you will receive, and here it is. Now, on its way. This small distance.

Scratch: We will receive!

The Doctor: Here you go. And you can have the bag as well.

River: You know, it's been... lovely. But we don't want to intrude on this special moment, so why don't we just leave you with the new baby...?

Scratch: You will remain.

River: Is that strictly necessary?

Scratch: I do not like... surprises.

The Doctor: Well, it's going to be a funny old day. Oh, boy. You know what? (grandstanding) I just can't stand idly by and let this continue. Death has been done this day! Noble blood has been spilled. And our tears will surely follow. The sky shall crack, the ground shall heave, and even the rocks and the stones shall weep their rage. Behold! The head of Hydroflax! ( The Doctor spins round, revealing the head of Hydroflax. The crowd hiss. ) Rest now, sweet prince. Walk amongst us nevermore. Shall we start the bidding at 200 billion? I'm sorry, Professor Song, but we really couldn't keep this treasure from the truly devout.

River: My apologies to the truly devout.

The Doctor: Shall we find out who is the most truly devout?

Scratch: This is heresy!

River: 200 over there.

The Doctor: 250 million by the sweet trolley.

Scratch: Silence! This is not our way.

The Doctor: It doesn't say much for your king if you can't put a price on his head.

The Doctor: Let us see what the king himself has to say.

Hydroflax: Aaargh!

River: Quick!

Flemming: Professor Song! Has the food disappointed you?

( The cyborg thuds into the dining room. )

( Panicked screams )

Hydroflax: At last, I am whole again. Come to me, my body. Well? Put me back.

Cyborg: Scan in progress.

Hydroflax: You don't need to scan me, just put me back.

Cyborg: Tissue deterioration now irreversible.

Hydroflax: What are you going to do about that?

Cyborg: Additional, the projectile inside your brain continues to move. Prognosis: death in seven minutes.

Hydroflax: Well, I refuse. King Hydroflax does not accept death.

Cyborg: Orders requested.

Hydroflax: Whatever I need to survive, do it. Now.

Cyborg: Orders accepted. You need a new head.

Hydroflax: No! No. Not a new head!

Cyborg: Orders implementing.

Hydroflax: No. No...!

( The cyborg sh**t the head, which turns into black dust, and the diamond rests on it. )

River: I don't suppose you could fetch that over for me, could you?

Flemming: As I was saying, Your Majesty. Well, your remaining Majesty. If it's a new head you're after, this is the guide to the very best.

River: Don't touch that. Give that back to me.

Flemming: The diary of River Song. The ultimate guide to the Time Lord known as the Doctor.

River: Don't you dare touch that!

Flemming: Long live the King.

Flemming: "The Pandorica Opens." Ooh, that sounds exciting. And goodness me, a picnic at Asgard. Some people really know how to snack, don't they?

River: You should know, I have a significant history of escaping.

Flemming: "The Crash of the Byzantium." Didn't they make a movie of that?

River: And when I do, I'm going to k*ll you.

Flemming: Oh, Jim the Fish! Well, we all know Jim the Fish.

River: And the longer you spend reading my diary, the longer I'm going to take.

Flemming: And you've just been to Manhattan. What planet is that?

River: So do, please, keep going.

Cyborg: This is irrelevant.

Scratch: If I may intrude, Your Majesty. The Doctor is a legendary being of remarkable power and an infinite number of faces. His head, I assure you, would be your crowning achievement.

Flemming: ( Tapping on the cyborg ) Besides which, many of us on this ship would be happy to see his career cut off, as it were, at the neck.

Cyborg: Proceed faster, or your head will be taken!

Scratch: I would give my head with gladness.

Flemming: This woman is the known consort of the Doctor.

Cyborg: Confirmation required. Uploading.

( Nardole's head appears from the cyborg's neck oriface. )

Nardole: Ooh. Ooh!

Cyborg: Is River Song the consort of the Time Lord known as the Doctor?

Nardole: Huh? I think so, yeah. Here, can I stay up for a bit? It's really very whiffy down there. Aww! (O.C.) Oh, it's awful!

Flemming: So, where is the Doctor now?

River: I haven't the faintest idea.

Flemming: Is that credible?

River: It's true.

Flemming: You're the woman he loves.

River: No, I'm not.

Flemming: She's lying.

River: The Doctor does not and has never loved me. I'm not lying.

Cyborg: Confirmed. The life form is not lying.

Flemming: Impossible. This is a trick.

River: No, it isn't.

Flemming: My information is correct. You are the woman who loves the Doctor.

River: Yes, I am. I've never denied it. But whoever said he loved me back? He's the Doctor, he doesn't go around falling in love with people. And if you think he's anything that small or that ordinary, then you haven't the first idea of what you're dealing with.

Flemming: Your Majesty, I assure you, she is the perfect bait. When this woman is in danger, the Doctor will always come.

River: Oh, you are a moron. No, he won't.

Flemming: He's probably already here.

River: No, he isn't, of course he isn't!

Flemming: Possibly on this ship.

River: Well, go on, scan it then. Go on, why don't you?

The Doctor: River...

River: Two hearts, stupid clothes, you can't miss him.

The Doctor: River!

River: Go on, scan the whole parsec! He's not here. God knows where he is right now, but I promise you, he's doing whatever the hell he wants and not giving a damn about me! And I'm just fine with that.

The Doctor: River...

River: When you love the Doctor, it's like loving the stars themselves. You don't expect a sunset to admire you back. And if I happen to find myself in danger, let me tell you, the Doctor is not stupid enough, or sentimental enough, and he is certainly not in love enough to find himself standing in it with me!

The Doctor: Hello, sweetie.

River: You are so doing those roots.

The Doctor: What, the roots of the sunset?

River: Don't you dare!

The Doctor: I'll have to check with the stars themselves.

River: Shut up! I was just keeping them talking till it kicks off.

Cyborg: What is this conversation? Explain.

River: You keep out of this.

The Doctor: We need to get to work.

River: OK, what have you got?

The Doctor: Four exits, two concealed, one in the ceiling.

River: There's also one in the floor.

The Doctor: No, I don't like it.

River: Too close to the engine ducts?

The Doctor: A bit too tight.

River: I hope you're not being personal.

Flemming: Excuse me, what are you talking about?

River: Hush, Mummy and Daddy are busy.

( Clock strikes two )

River: There we are. Two o'clock, here we go.

Cyborg: Cease this conversation.

River: Darling, in the event of a sudden meteor strike on the lower starboard decks, where would you say is the safest place to stand?

Flemming: Meteor strikes?

The Doctor: Exactly here, I should think.

River: D'you know what that isn't? A coincidence.

The Doctor: Your escape plan.

River: It's cheaper than a taxi.

Scratch: What meteor strike?

Tannoy: Alert. Meteor storm imminent.

River: That meteor strike.

Flemming: How could you know?

River: I'm an archaeologist from the future. I dug you up. See you in 400 years.

( Screaming )

( River and The Doctor fall through the floor to the deck below. )

[ INT. Starship Harmony And Redemption - Hall - Night ]

River: I had this book. History's Finest Exploding Restaurants. The best food for free. Skip the coffee.

The Doctor: What do you think, by the way?

River: Of what?

The Doctor: My new body.

River: I'll let you know. I've only seen the face. How have you got a new one, by the way? Aren't there rules?

The Doctor: A thing happened.

River: I bet it probably did.

Tannoy: Starboard decks compromised. Please abandon ship.

( The diamond falls from the deck above and River catches it in her dress. )

The Doctor: The diamond?

River: Good, aren't I?

The Doctor: I'm not sure good's the word.

River: Better not be.

The Doctor: We need to get this ship s*ab. Where's the bridge?

River: This way.

Tannoy: Please abandon ship. Please abandon ship.

The Doctor: We also need to stop that.

River: Toss for it.

The Doctor: I'll take the robot, you drive.

River: OK.

The Doctor: Oh, don't stop for strangers.

River: Look who's talking.

The Doctor: What's the point? It's over.

Cyborg: I will take your head.

The Doctor: What for? We're on a crashing spaceship and I don't even know if I can save it. You just sh*t your own king in your own face. You'd get beheaded if you had one.

Cyborg: I will take yours. King Hydroflax will live again.

( The Doctor catches the banking orb. )

The Doctor: Do you know what you need? Do you know what any decent headless king needs? Money. This connects every bank to every other bank in this galaxy. Right here in my hand. All the money you can eat.

Cyborg: Demonstrate.

The Doctor: With pleasure.

( The Doctor places the orb on the cyborg's neck pin. Sparks fly. )

The Doctor: Welcome to all the best firewalls in the galaxy. Nothing is protected like money. Every stock market within a light year is arguing in your head.

Cyborg: I do not understand.

The Doctor: Ha-ha! That's the way it is for most people.

Cyborg: Do not understand. Do not understand.

The Doctor: He had a bad day on the market.

Cyborg: ( Sparking )Do not understand. Do not understand.

The Doctor: Sorry, I appreciate that wasn't very funny, but I couldn't help saying it.

Cyborg: Do not understand. Do not under...

[ INT. Starship Harmony And Redemption - Bridge - Night ]

Tannoy: Surface impact in two minutes.

The Doctor: Where's everyone else?

River: They ran for it. So should we.

The Doctor: We need to get the nav com back online. And re-route the thrusters.

River: I'm trying.

The Doctor: So, King Hydroflax?

River: Oh, how many times? I married the diamond.

The Doctor: So you say.

River: Elizabeth I.

The Doctor: Ramone.

River: Marilyn Monroe.

The Doctor: Stephen Fry.

River: Cleopatra!

The Doctor: Same thing.

River: Hang on a minute. I recognise that planet.

The Doctor: Well, that's nice! Maybe they'll name the crater after us!

River: That's Darillium!

The Doctor: Always good to know where we're going. Could you concentrate on your work, please?

River: You know... the Singing Towers.

The Doctor: Yes, I'll be sure to give them a wave as we zoom past.

River: You always say you're going to take me there for dinner and then you always cancel at the last minute.

The Doctor: I'd quite like to cancel this time too, if at all possible.

River: Argh!

( They groan )

( Sonic screwdriver whirs )

River: What are you doing? That's the internal teleport.

The Doctor: Yes. ( he coughs ) I can use the power cell to push the thrusters.

River: Really? How?

The Doctor: Hold this, quickly.

River: Well, I don't see what good this will do.

The Doctor: Sorry, River. Crashing spaceships, that's my job.

River: You...

( River dematerializes )

[ INT. TARDIS - Night ]

( River materializes )

River: No, you don't!

( VWORP! )

[ INT. Starship Harmony And Redemption - Bridge - Night ]

The Doctor: More power! You can do it, you can do it.

( VWORP! )

The Doctor: No, River, no, no, no, no!

( The TARDIS has appeared on the bridge and absorbs the Doctor. )

[ EXT. Starship Harmony And Redemption / EXT. TARDIS - Night ]

( River comes out the TARDIS, followed by The Doctor. )

The Doctor: Get back in the TARDIS! This is my job!

River: This is my job!

The Doctor: I've been doing it longer.

River: I do it better.

The Doctor: River, not one person on this ship, not one living thing, is worth you.

River: Or you.

Computer: Surface impact in ten, nine, eight...

River: Teensy bit close.

The Doctor: Yeah, sort of.

River: Darling, shall we pop back indoors?

The Doctor: Yeah, good idea.

Computer: .. four, three, two, one.

[ INT. TARDIS - Night ]

( They gasp )

( River is unconscious on the console. )

The Doctor: Indestructible as ever. ( The Doctor picks up the diamond from the console. ) Married the diamond!

( The Doctor looks outside the TARDIS door and we see flames. The Doctor closes the door again and goes over to the console. )

( Beeping )

( CLANK! )

( Metallic thrumming )

( CLANK! )

( Thrumming stops )

[ EXT. Darillium Surface - Day ]

Alphonse: Hello? Sir... the ship, it came down, did you see it?

The Doctor: Yes, I did.

Alphonse: I've been searching for survivors.

The Doctor: I doubt if you'd find any. And I don't think any of them would be worth it, if that's a comfort. Brave of you to try, though. Well done.

Alphonse: Thank you, sir.

The Doctor: Those are the Singing Towers, aren't they?

Alphonse: Yes, sir, but it's just the wind.

The Doctor: The Singing Towers of Darillium. Here we are at last.

Alphonse: Sir?

The Doctor: You know what? They should build a restaurant right here, with a view of those towers. You could make a lot of money that way. You should do that.

( He chuckles )

Alphonse: You'd need a lot of money to begin with, sir.

The Doctor: The Halassi Androvar... I think you'll find that the reward is pretty substantial.

Alphonse: Why would you give me this, sir?

The Doctor: ( quietly ) Restaurant!

[ INT. TARDIS - Day ]

( CLANK! )

( VWORP! VWORP! )

[ INT. Restaurant Reception ]

The Doctor: Excuse me, um, I'd like a table on the balcony with a view of the towers.

Receptionist: I'm sorry, sir, the first available slot I have is Christmas Day in four years' time.

The Doctor: Not a problem.

[ INT. TARDIS ]

( River stirs from her unconscious state. )

( Computer beeps )

[ INT. Restaurant Reception ]

( Cutlery clinks )

Receptionist: Professor Song! The Doctor is waiting for you on the balcony.

River: Oh. Excellent.

Receptionist: This way, ma'am.

River: Do we have a good table?

Receptionist: The finest in all the galaxy, ma'am.

River: Ah. Er, one moment.

[ INT. Restaurant Corridor ]

( Whirring )

River: Ramone?

Receptionist: Professor Song. The Doctor will be with you in a moment.

River: What are you doing here?

Ramone: They pulled us from the wreckage, ma'am. Fixed us up. I've been working here ever since. Don't worry. The nasty part's all gone -- got deleted in the merger.

River: What about Nardole?

Nardole (O.C.): Oh, merry Christmas, ma'am. Yeah, good to see you again.

River: Merry Christmas, Nardole!

Nardole (O.C.): Sorry I'm off duty. I'm just having some me time.

River: I imagine that must be quite a challenge.

Nardole (O.C.): Yes, ma'am. ( chuckles )

River: So, Ramone... you have a metal body now.

The Doctor: Down, girl!

River: Now, that, my dear, is a suit.

The Doctor: Happy Christmas.

River: Really? I don't think you've ever given me a present before. ( She gasps ) It's a sonic screwdriver! How lovely!

The Doctor: When I saw the sonic trowel, I thought it was just embarrassing, but, look.

( Screwdriver whirs )

River: Oh, thank you.

The Doctor: You look, er, amazing.

River: Doctor, you have no idea whether I look amazing or not.

The Doctor: Well, you've moved your hair about, haven't you?

River: Well done. It's very sweet of you to try.

[ EXT. Restaurant Balcony ]

The Doctor: So what do you think? ( Haunting music plays ) The Singing Towers.

( Gentle music plays )

River: The music. Listen to it. Are you crying?

The Doctor: No. Just the wind.

River: Nothing's ever just the wind.

The Doctor: No? It blows through the cave system and harmonises with the crystal layer.

River: Why are you sad?

The Doctor: Why are you sad?

River: I told you, my diary's nearly full. I worry.

The Doctor: Please don't.

River: There are stories about us, you know.

The Doctor: Oh, I dread to think.

River: I look them up sometimes.

The Doctor: You really shouldn't do that.

River: Some of them suggest that... the very last night we spend together is at the Singing Towers of Darillium. That wouldn't be true, would it?

The Doctor: Spoilers.

River: ( gasps ) Well, that would explain why you kept cancelling coming here. Do you remember that time...

The Doctor: River, stop.

River: .. when there were two of you...

The Doctor: Don't.

River: .. because I want you to know that if this is the last night, I expect you to find a way round it.

The Doctor: Not everything can be avoided. Not forever.

River: But you're you. There's always a loophole, you wait until the last minute and then you spring it on me.

The Doctor: Every night is the last night for something, every Christmas is the last Christmas...

River: But you will. You'll wait until I've given up hope, all will be lost, and you'll do that smug little smile and then you'll save the day -- you always do.

The Doctor: No, I don't, not always. Times end, River, because they have to. Because there's no such thing as happy ever after. It's just a lie we tell ourselves because the truth is so hard.

River: No, Doctor... you're wrong. Happy ever after doesn't mean forever. It just means time... a little time. But that's not the sort of thing you could ever understand, is it?

The Doctor: Mmm. What do you think of the towers?

River: I love them.

The Doctor: Then why are you ignoring them?

River: They're ignoring me. But then... you can't expect a monolith to love you back.

The Doctor: No, you can't. They've been there for millions of years, through storms and floods and wars and... time. Nobody really understands where the music comes from. It's probably something to do with the precise positions, the distance between both towers. Even the locals aren't sure. All anyone will ever tell you is that when the wind stands fair and the night is perfect... when you least expect it... but always... when you need it the most... ( Haunting music plays ) .. there is a song.

( Music continues )

River: So... assuming tonight is all we have left...

The Doctor: I didn't say that.

River: .. how long... is a night on Darillium?

The Doctor: 24 years.

River: ( gasps ) I hate you.

The Doctor: No, you don't.

And they both lived happily ever after ...

And they both lived happily

happily
{"type": "series", "show": "Doctor Who Special", "episode": "2015-12-25 - The Husbands of River Song (Christmas Special)"}