Mike: Due to the continuing flu epidemic, the following teachers will be out today, and their classes cancelled.Oh, Kate you read 'em, I'm too nervous.

Kate: Professor Forrest, Chem.and Bio labs.

Mike: Oh, I knew I should have taken Chemistry.

Kate: Miss Gorse's English seminar.

Mike: Is our beloved Professor Thorn up there?

Kate: Yes.

Mike: Oh yes!Alright!No Drama!Let's hope it's not just one of those twenty four hour deals.

Kate: Mike, this is a person we're talking about, a human being.

Mike: He's not a human being, he's a teacher.

Kate: Oh, Mike, here's a good idea to keep you busy; due to the flu epidemics, substitute high school teachers needed this week throughout Long Island.

Mike: Go on.

Kate: Well that's it, you could substitute teach.

Mike: You should be in bed young lady.

Kate: Mike, I'm serious.

Mike: Well, give me one good reason why I should...teach.

Kate: Pay is fifty Dollars a day.

Mike: Ooh, that's one.

Kate: Substitutes will administer prepared lessons in subjects including Mathematics, History, Drama!

Mike: Drama!Well, I could err...Oh, but Kate, me!Teach!I'm the Anti-Teacher.

Kate: Well, it wouldn't be a bad idea down the road to have another skill to fall back on.

Mike: Kate, I wanna be an actor, I don't need a skill.

Maggie: Oh, hi honey, how are you feeling?

Carol: How do I look?

Ben: I'll call the paramedics.

Maggie: Think you can finally keep some food down?

Carol: Well what are you making?

Chrissy: Mamma.

Maggie: You won't have to wait for the video tape, Dad, Chrissy's talking now, just listen.

Chrissy: Mamma.

Maggie: Chrissy, say hello to you Grandparents.

Chrissy: ****!

Maggie: No, Daddy, Jason didn't train her to say that to you.Well you're darn tooting I'm gonna find out who taught her to say that.Sure Dad.Bye.Benjamin Seaver.

Ben: Relax Mom, I got it all on tape.

Maggie: Have you been using that word around Chrissy.

Ben: Oh, err...well...

Jason: Hey everybody.

Ben: Dad, Well gosh darn it, heck, anyway how are you?

Jason: Ben, what did you do?

Ben: It's not me, it's her.

Maggie: Chrissy learned a new word.

Jason: Oh!A new word!Oh, Chrissy!

Maggie: Yes, but err...

Chrissy: ****!

Jason: Did she just say...

Maggie: Yes, she did.Didn't she, Ben?

Ben: Dad, Mom has this crazy idea that somehow I had something to do with this.

Jason: Uh hu!

Ben: Hey, I'm innocent!I swear!No I don't.

Jason: Well, if somebody's taught her bad and who ever the hel...Oh, Chrissy.Maggie.Mike!Gosh, darn it, the heck, how are you?

Mike: Dad, this was the best day of the whole semester, my entire year!

Jason: Oh, really?Why?

Mike: Well, no classes.All my teachers were sick.Wow, Carol, hot date tonight?

Carol: Oh, Mike, I took a phone message for you.

Mike: Oh, good, where is it?

Carol: I tore it up.

Mike: Why?

Carol: Because I always do that.But this one I'll tell you about.You're expected to report to Principal Dewitt's office at Dewey high tomorrow morning.

Jason: What!Wait, why would they want you back at your old high school?

Carol: The only thing that makes sense to me is that they rechecked your grades.

Mike: Why does everybody assume the worst here?

Jason: Because it's you we're talking about, Mike.

Mike: As a matter of fact, I am going there tomorrow to teach.

Jason: Ha ha.

Mike: No, no, look Dad, with this flu thing going around, the school system needs some substitute teachers.

Carol: And they didn't call me!

Mike: Well, they probably did Carol, but your head was in the toilet at the time.

Jason: Mike, you really wanna go back to Dewey and face the man who set off fireworks the day you graduated?

Chrissy: ****!

Mike: No, but that's what he'll be thinking.

Dewitt: Alright people!Does anyone here have any experience with English?

Spaniard: habla Inglese

Dewitt: Why couldn't I get the flu, and not just one of those twenty four hour deals!

Secretary: Oh, we still need somebody to cover Mr.Hessman's very special ed classes.

Dewitt: Right, the thugs.Do any of you know martial arts?

Supply Teacher: I know Marshall Schwartz.

Dewitt: Close enough.

Dewitt: Not now, Seaver, I'm busy with the substitutes...Arrgghh!!

Mike: I'm back.

Dewitt: Seaver, what are you doing here?

Mike: Well, I came back to teach.We're colleagues now.

Dewitt: Get away!Get away!Estelle, do something for a change.

Secretary: Oh!!Welcome back Mike!!

Mike: Oh, so this is a new policy then.

Dewitt: Get out.

Mike: OK, fine.At least I showed up, so I get my money.

Dewitt: Great, from my own pocket.

Mike: Great, this is even easier than teaching.

Dewitt: Pardon me?

Secretary: He said...

Dewitt: I know what he said!You think teaching is easy!

Mike: Well, yeah.You just get up in front of a bunch of kids and you, you know...

Dewitt: Teach.

Mike: Right.

Dewitt: And that's...easy.

Dewitt: Come to think of it, Seaver, I could use somebody like you today.

Mike: Oh, so you want me to stick around?

Secretary: You want to send him in, alone and un-armed.

Dewitt: Uh hu.

Supply Teacher: Well what am I gonna teach?

Dewitt: Russian.

Supply Teacher: Well I don't speak Russian.

Dewitt: neither does anyone in the class, that's why they're taking it.Snap out of it!Err...the rest of you, heck, teach each other, I don't care.

Mike: So, err...this Hessman guy must be new, what does he teach?

Dewitt: Criminals, mostly.

Mike: Is this Mr.Hessman's...

Scuzz: Mike!

Mike: Scuzz!Hey, how you doing, you old scuzzmeister?

Scuzz: Well, six years of Dewey and still going strong!

Mike: Yeah.

Scuzz: This year, I might make it.

Mike: Oh, yeah, graduation?

Scuzz: No, Southmoor.Hey, guys, this is Mike Seaver!We was in Freshman's English together.

Mike: We sure was!Twice.

Student: Wow wow!This is Mike Seaver, class of Eighty eight?

Mike: Yeah, that's me.

Students: Wow!!

Student 2: Wow, I've heard stories about you, man.Hey, my big brother was in stall number one, the day you and Boner got all the toilets in the whole school to back up at once.

Mike: Well, maybe not all at once.

Student: Hey, you've been my role model, man!

Mike: Hey, thanks.

Student 2: And is it true they graduated you, just to get rid of you?

Mike: Where'd you hear that?

Scuzz: You're a legend here, man.

Mike: Yeah?

Student 2: And now he's our teacher.Alright!

Student: Hey, I don't think I ever had a cool teacher before.

Mike: Thanks.

Student: Oh, oh, you got to tell us about the time you snook the camera into the girls locker rooms.

Mike: Which time?

Student 2: Tell us about the time you k*lled Mr.Buginshoes!

Mike: Well, that was blown a little out of proportion!

Student 2: Yeah!

Student: Get out o' here, Mike!

Mike: Hey, look guys, there's plenty of time for fun stories, right?But first we got to get this quiz out of the way.

Students: Huh?What?No way.

Students: Smokey!f*re!Smokey!

Dewitt: Problems already, Seaver?

Mike: Ah, no, no, not at all, sir.

Dewitt: You got them to take the quiz?

Mike: Well, let's just say, I lit a f*re under 'em.

Dewitt: Good.

Mike: Come on Guys!Guys!That was not funny, there was a f*re, somebody could have gotten hurt.

Mike: Guys, give me a break, alright?It's just a simple test.

Scuzz: Mike, tell you what; we'll play one round of Poker, and then we're gonna take the test.

Mike: Great, hey, thanks, I appreciate this.

Scuzz: Your deal.

Scuzz: Great game, Mikey.

Mike: Great, thanks.Man, I feel like I'm being punished for something.

Dewitt: You are.You are.You're being punished for all those years of hell you put me through.You're being punished for all my former colleagues who've been driven out of this noble profession.Do you remember Mr.Wessler, the best damn Math teacher I ever had, he's a game-show host now.

Dewitt: Oh, wait a second, Mike, I'm making you feel bad.

Mike: Well, yeah.

Dewitt: Oh and after none of those kids in there would listen to you.

Mike: Uh hu.I mean...

Dewitt: You were being honest with them.

Mike: I was.

Dewitt: And they didn't have the decency to stand up there and get your easy money,teaching!

Mike: Yeah.

Dewitt: Ha ha ha ha, you little twerp.I haven't been this satisfied since my honeymoon!!!

Dewitt: Oh, what do you think it's gonna get easier?That was an eight a.m class.The tough guys don't even get up till noon.

Mike: Yeah, well I'm just waking up myself, alright, and I'm just barely breaking my second wind.You know what I mean.

Dewitt: You're not even gonna make it through the day!You'll crack, Seaver, you'll crack!And I'm gonna be here to stomp on the pieces.

Mike: Oh yeah!

Dewitt: Round two.Go get 'em!

Mike: Hey!Hey!No!You guys be quiet!Thanks.Look, before we have any fun, we gotta get these quizzes out of the way.

Pupil: Hey, Mike Seaver, it really is you!

Mike: Yeah!

Pupil: Hey, hey look man.We wanted to get you a little something.It's not an apple, but we figured it's something you could use.

Pupils: Woooo!!!

Mike: Hey!Hey!

Maggie: OK, Chrissy, this is a dictionary, and it's filled with words...wonderful words, clean words.

Carol: Mom, where's the mop?

Maggie: Oh, I'm airing out from the last time.

Carol: Well it's the next time again.I'll get it.

Maggie: Well the beauty of this book, Chrissy, is that you can say any word in it, and you won't make Mommy mad.

Carol: Mom, what are you doing?

Maggie: Oh, I'm teaching Chrissy the beauty of the English language.OK, Chrissy, pick any page here you want.

Chrissy: Goo goo.

Chrissy: ****!

Carol: Mom!

Maggie: It's important to show that we're not upset, or she'll be using this word all the time.

Chrissy: ****!

Mike: So, this is Mr.Hessman's Health class.Where's everybody else?

Student: The big kids are sick.

Mike: Ah.This shouldn't be so tough.Well, as long as we're here, why don't we go ahead and take this test, right?Hey, hey, where are you going?

Student: Me?

Mike: Yeah.

Student: To have this removed.

Mike: One kid.I can't even get one kid to listen to me.

Dewitt: (on the PA) You either.

Mike: Who's that?

Dewitt: I am the ghost of Mr.Buginshoes.

Mike: Hey look, look, you know I didn't k*ll you.You just moved to New Jersey to sell insurance!

Dewitt: Yeah!

Dewitt: Ha, you got me, Seaver.

Mike: Hey, have you been listening in on my classes?

Mike: No.

Mike: Alright, guys, we're gonna take this test and then...Oh, oh err...hi ladies.

Girls: Woo!!!!

Mike: Ladies, ladies, please.

girls: Woo!!

Students: Wooo!Seaver!

Mike: Scuzz, hey Scuzz, wait a minute, you're not in this class.

Scuzz: When I heard you was teaching it, I decided to audit it.

Student: Yeah, me too.

Scuzz: And then the word started spreading, this was the place to be and then...

students: Wooo!!

Student 2: Mikey, I liberated this from the AV room, I figured we could check out this documentary.

Mike: Cowgirls in Spain.

Student 2: Yippee yaw yey!Oh, and the beer's on its way.

Pupil: This'll be the best party of the year.

Students: Alright!

Pupil: Hey, you're a very popular teacher, Mike!

Students: Yeah!!!

Mike: I am not a teacher, alright?

Scuzz: You bet you aint.And that's the beauty of this deal; for once we've got someone behind the big desk, who's like us.

Students: Yeah!!

Mike: I'm not like you.

Student 2: Hey, pull the shades, it's time to learn something, class.

Mike: Turn off the movie, alright?

Students: Wow!!

Scuzz: That's right, you wait until Mike gets a good seat.

Mike: Hey, I am not like you.

Scuzz: Oh, that's OK, we got one of those films too.

Student 2: Show time!

Mike: Whoever does not belong in this class, get out!

Scuzz: Woo!Mikey, you're starting to sound like a teacher.

Mike: Look, I am a teacher!At least for right now, OK?So if you don't belong in here, get out!

Scuzz: What's happened to you, man?

Mike: I grew up.Hey, cut out the laughing, alright?You in the back of row, don't you dare put those pencils up the back of your nose, buddy, I've had enough clowning around today.

Pupil: How'd you know I Was gonna put 'em up my nose?

Mike: Because I've seen it before, in fact I've done it, and I've done it better; four pencils and magic marker.

Pupil: Sorry.

Mike: Alright, now let's see if we can get some work done.And if you girls think you have answers written in places I won't look, I've looked.And drop the spit ball Mr.!

Student: But I was...

Mike: Don't tell me you were just stretching, alright?

Student: Yes, sir!

Student: Oh, yes sir.

Mike: Alright people, not a word till I get back.And you, pencil nose, you're in charge!

Pupil: Me!I can't be the teacher, I hate teachers.

Dewitt: I wanted you to feel bad about every teacher you mistreated in your academic career!And I use that term in its broadest sense.I wanted you to crack and cry like a baby on a cold vermilion floor, like I do in my office every morning.

Mike: Isn't it carpeted?

Dewitt: Well yes it is...Seaver!

Mike: Eyes on your papers, people!You were saying...

Dewitt: I was saying...Wait a minute, you expect me to fall for this act?You're paying these people off, of course.

Dewitt: Tyrant?

Mike: Yeah.

Dewitt: Seaver, you just used a two syllable word.

Mike: That's why teachers can't be cool!That's why you're such a bozo!

Dewitt: That's righ...

Dewitt: No!

Mike: You know, I got another thing to say; it's that those kids are gonna take that test tomorrow, if it kills me.Mr.you better have a real good reason for being out of your seat, and Mr.get your ears away from this door, as this conversation has nothing to do with you!

Dewitt: Good golly, Miss Molly.

Mike: What?

Dewitt: There's a theory among educators that we all talk about when we gather at the...teacher place.The theory goes like this; if we could take one of our goof-offs, the ones who suck up our energy and give nothing back.If we could take such a student and turn him so that he could use his powers for good instead of evil, he, oh he, would be the perfect teacher...the one!The one, we've always been waiting for.You could be this man.

Mike: Me, a perfect teacher?

Dewitt: Chilling, isn't it?

Dewitt: Ah, yes, the mixture of flop sweat and cheap clothing, I know it well.

Dewitt: Well Mike, if you're the one, none of that matters.

Mike: Well, you know, I mean, all of the stuff I said behind your back and like the time that I put the...the PA mike in your private bathroom...

Dewitt: Oh Mike yes....That was you!!

Mike: Yeah.

Mike: I got to go check on my class, alright?And thank you for all the nice things you said about me.

Dewitt: Maybe I am imagining all this.Maybe I am hallucinating.I know, I have the flu.I do.I have the flu.I'm out of here.

Jason: Wait a minute, slow down.You've had quite a day now, just take it easy.You've learned something today, nobody ever thought you would...especially your parents.The question is, what are you gonna do with all this new found knowledge?Listen to me, now are you not to use that word in this house again, now do we have a deal?

Chrissy: ...
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "05x19 - Mike, the Teacher"}