By David Agnew (alias Douglas Adams with Graham Williams)

(From a story line by David Fisher)

EPISODE 4

First shown 20 October, 1979
6:05pm - 6:35pm

SCARLIONI: The unfortunate effect of an unstablised time field. Now, I shall do exactly the same thing to the whole of this city unless you reveal to me the secret of how to s*ab that field.

DUGGAN: You're mad. You're insane. You're inhuman!

SCARLIONI: Quite so. When I compare my race to yours, human, I take the word inhuman as a great compliment.

DUGGAN: You couldn't possibly

SCARLIONI: Oh, do be quiet.

ROMANA: Count, you must have realised by now that I'm not from this planet. Why should it worry me if you destroy Paris?

DUGGAN: What are you talking about?

SCARLIONI: You had your warning. Hermann, k*ll him.

ROMANA: No!

SCARLIONI: Ah, so you do care. I think you've answered your own question. Not a very clever bluff.

ROMANA: All right, what are you trying to do?

SCARLIONI: You agree to cooperate then?

ROMANA: Just tell me what you're trying to do and I'll see.

SCARLIONI: Excellent. Hermann.

HERMANN: Sir.

SCARLIONI: Take him away. Lock him up.

HERMANN: Yes, sir.

SCARLIONI: I shall keep him as an insurance policy, since it is unfortunately not possible to k*ll him twice.

SCARLIONI: Now, my problem is very simple. Four hundred million years ago, the spaceship which I was piloting exploded while I was trying to take off from the surface of this planet.

ROMANA: That was clumsy of you.

SCARLIONI: A calculated risk. The spaceship sustained considerable damage. I was in the warp control cabin and when the expl*si*n occurred I was flung into the time vortex and split into twelve different parts which lead, or have led, independent but connected lives in times in this planet's history. Not a very satisfactory mode of existence.

ROMANA: So you want to reunite yourself, yes?

SCARLIONI: More than that. I want to go back to where my spaceship is. Was. And stop my original self from pressing the button.

ROMANA: And you were hoping to do that with this lot?

SCARLIONI: You underestimate the problems with which I was faced. My twelve various selves have been working throughout history to push forward this miserably primitive race so that even this low level of technology could be available to me now.

ROMANA: But this won't work. Put yourself in that bubble and you would either regress back to being a baby again or go forward to old age.

SCARLIONI: I had worked out a way, but it would have taken rather too long. Now, with your help, I shall be able to return with ease. Now, build me a field interface s*ab. Do it.

ROMANA: All right, I'll help you.

DOCTOR: I'd like to make an appointment with Count Scarlioni at his earliest convenience, if you don't mind, that is.

DOCTOR: Ah, someone in authority. I wonder, would you be kind and tell the Count that I wait upon him, please? There's a good girl.

DOCTOR: The silent type, eh? I once knew a boy like you. Never said a word, very taciturn. Well, I said to him, there's no point in talking if you've got nothing to say. Did well in the end, though. Name of Shakespeare. Ever read any Shakespeare? Countess?

COUNTESS: A little.

COUNTESS: Hamlet. The first draft.

DOCTOR: What? It's been missing for centuries.

COUNTESS: It's quite genuine, I assure you.

DOCTOR: I know. I recognise the handwriting.

COUNTESS: Shakespeare's.

DOCTOR: No, mine. He'd sprained his wrist writing sonnets. Wonderful stuff. To be or not to be, that's the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles and. Take arms against a sea of troubles? That's a mixed. I told him that was a mixed metaphor and he would insist.

COUNTESS: Oh Doctor, I'm quite convinced that you're perfectly mad.

DOCTOR: Only Nor-norwest. Nobody's perfect. If you think I'm mad because I say I met Shakespeare, where do you think your precious Count got that?

COUNTESS: He's a collector. He has money and contacts.

DOCTOR: Contacts? Human contacts? How much do you really know about him, eh? I think rather less than you imagine.

HERMANN: Excellency!

SCARLIONI: Don't tell me. The Doctor's here.

HERMANN: Why, yes, sir. So I've only just been told by the maid.

SCARLIONI: I knew it. Bring him down here.

HERMANN: Yes, sir.

DOCTOR: How long have you been married to the Count?

COUNTESS: Long enough.

DOCTOR: Long enough. I like that. Discretion and charm. So civilised. So terribly unhelpful.

COUNTESS: Discretion and charm. I couldn't live without it, especially in matters concerning the Count.

DOCTOR: There is such a thing as discretion. There's also such a thing as wilful blindness.

COUNTESS: Blind? I help him to steal the Mona Lisa, the greatest crime in the century, and you call me blind?

DOCTOR: Yes! You see the Count as a master criminal, an art dealer, an insanely wealthy man, and you'd like to see yourself as his consort. But what's he doing in the cellar?

COUNTESS: Tinkering. Every man must have his hobby.

DOCTOR: Man? Are you sure of that? A man with one eye and green skin, eh? Ransacking the art treasures of history to help him make a machine to reunite him with his people, the Jagaroth, and you didn't notice anything? How discreet, how charming.

HERMANN: Excuse me, my lady. Doctor, the Count is very anxious to see you in the cellar.

DOCTOR: Think about it, Countess. Think about it.

DOCTOR: Ah, Count. Hello. I wonder if you could spare me a moment of your time. Romana, hello, how are you? I see the Count's roped you in as a lab assistant. What are you making for him? A model railway? Gallifreyan egg timer? I hope you're not making a time machine. I shall be very angry.

SCARLIONI: Doctor, how very nice to see you again. It seems like only four hundred and seventy four since we last met.

DOCTOR: Indeed, indeed, yes. I so much prefer the weather in the early part of the sixteenth century, don't you? Where's Duggan?

DUGGAN: Doctor, get me out of here.

DOCTOR: Ah, there you are, Duggan. Are you behaving yourself? Good, good. Now, Count, this is what I've come to say. If you're thinking of going back in time, you'd better forget it.

SCARLIONI: And why do you say that?

DOCTOR: Well, because I'm going to stop you.

SCARLIONI: Oh no, on the contrary, Doctor, you're going to help me.

DOCTOR: I am?

SCARLIONI: You are indeed. And if you do not, it'll be so much the worse for you, for this young lady, and for thousands of other people I could mention if I happened to have the Paris telephone directory on my person.

DOCTOR: Count, that sort of blackmail won't work because I know what the consequences will be if you get what you wanted. I can't let you fool about with time.

SCARLIONI: What else do you ever do?

DOCTOR: Ah, well, I'm a professional. I know what I'm doing. I also know what you're doing. Romana, put the equipment down.

ROMANA: Doctor, it's all right. He just wants to get back to his spaceship and reunite himself.

SCARLIONI: Doctor, I think we can dispense both with your interference and with your help. Your friend has done her work very well indeed.

DOCTOR: Count, do you realise what will happen if you try to go back to the time before history began?

SCARLIONI: Yes. Yes, I do. And I don't care one jot. Hermann.

HERMANN: Sir.

SCARLIONI: Lock them in the cellar. They shall stay long enough to watch my departure.

HERMANN: Yes, sir.

SCARLIONI: After that, k*ll them in whatever way takes your fancy.

HERMANN: Very good, sir.

SCARLIONI: I must say my farewells to the Countess.

SCARLIONI: My dear?

COUNTESS: Close the door. Now, what are you?

SCARLIONI: I beg your pardon?

COUNTESS: What have I been living with all these years? Where are you from and what do you want?

SCARLIONI: If I may answer those questions in reverse order, what I want is a drink. Will you have one?

COUNTESS: Stay away! Put it down! Now, who are you?

SCARLIONI: I am Scaroth.

COUNTESS: Scaroth?

SCARLIONI: Last of the Jagaroth. It has not been difficult keeping secrets from you, my dear. A few fur coats, a few trinkets, a little nefarious excitement.

COUNTESS: What are the Jagaroth?

SCARLIONI: The Jagaroth. An infinitely old race and an infinitely superior one. I shall show you what you want to know, my dear.

SCAROTH: I am Scaroth. Through me, my people will live again. I'd glad to see you are still wearing the bracelet I designed for you, my dear. It is, as I said, a useful device.

SCAROTH: Goodbye, my dear. I'm sorry you had to die. But then, in a short while you will have ceased ever to have existed.

ROMANA: If I'd know I was helping the Jagaroth.

DUGGAN: Jagaroth?

DOCTOR: Shush.

DUGGAN: What's a Jagaroth?

DOCTOR: They're not nice to know.

ROMANA: So that's why he had to go back in time. He had to reverse history in order to save the Jagaroth race, and I've made that possible.

DOCTOR: Yes, without the s*ab he only had the time bubble.

DUGGAN: And he couldn't get into that. You saw what happened to the Professor and the chicken.

ROMANA: It doesn't travel in time, it just goes forwards or backwards in its own lifecycle. If he'd got in it he'd just have become a baby again.

DOCTOR: What he was really trying to do was to put the whole world in the bubble, like those tiny jumps in time when we first arrived.

ROMANA: Of course.

DOCTOR: Cracks in time. He shifted the whole world back in time for two seconds, but what he really wanted to do was shift the whole world back in time four hundred million years.

ROMANA: But without the s*ab, he couldn't have been there himself to save his ship. Yeah, but how would he get the power? It would be fantastic.

DOCTOR: What do you think we've been chasing about for all this time?

DUGGAN: The Mona Lisas.

DOCTOR: Yes. He couldn't have sold them anyway.

DUGGAN: Why not?

DOCTOR: Well, before Leonardo painted them, I wrote These are Fakes on the blank board with felt tip. It would show up under any x-ray.

ROMANA: Doctor, there won't be any x-rays for it to show up on if he gets back to that ship.

DOCTOR: No, because you supplied him with the vital component he needed.

ROMANA: Wait a minute. When I made that component, I rigged it so that it could only go back in time for two minutes. After that, he'd be catapulted back to his own time, here. Now he couldn't do any harm.

DOCTOR: One minute would be sufficient for him to go back in time, contact his ship and prevent it exploding. He wouldn't then be splintered in time and all history would be changed.

ROMANA: We must do something to stop him.

DOCTOR: I've got an idea.

ROMANA: What?

DOCTOR: We'll ask Duggan.

BOTH: Duggan?

DUGGAN: Right, stand back again.

SCAROTH: You now see me as I truly am.

DOCTOR: Very pretty.

SCAROTH: And you will see the culmination of my live's work.

DOCTOR: How very fulfilling for you.

SCAROTH: For thousands upon thousands of years my various splintered selves have been working for this moment, and now, with the aid of this device, so kindly supplied by the young lady, I shall be able to make this equipment into a fully operational machine. I'm well aware of the limitations you have built into it, my dear. They will not affect the outcome. I shall return to my spaceship the moment before it exploded and stop myself from pressing the button. You will not be able to read the settings on the dial, Doctor. They will explode as soon as activated.

SCAROTH: Goodbye, Doctor.

DUGGAN: Well, that's got rid of that, then. I need a drink.

DOCTOR: What? We're going on a journey.

DUGGAN: Where to?

ROMANA: Four hundred million years ago.

DUGGAN: Where?

DOCTOR: Just don't ask. Come on.

ROMANA: We haven't got the time or place coordinates, Doctor.

DOCTOR: The Jagaroth will leave a faint trace through time, but we can only follow it if we get to the TARDIS in minutes. Come on.

DUGGAN: Mad, mad. They're absolutely mad.

DOCTOR: Is no one interested in history?

CLEESE: To me, one of the most curious things about this piece is its wonderful afunctionalism.

ELEANOR: Yes, I see what you mean. Divorced from its function and seen purely as a piece of art, its structure of line and colour is curiously counterpointed by the redundant vestiges of its function.

CLEESE: And since it has no call to be here, the art lies in the fact that it is here.

ELEANOR: Exquisite. Absolutely exquisite.

DUGGAN: Where are we?

DOCTOR: This will be the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

DUGGAN: We're standing on land.

ROMANA: He's out of his depth.

DOCTOR: Duggan, we are where I promised we'd be. Four hundred million years back in Earth history.

ROMANA: I can see why the Jagaroth wanted to leave.

DOCTOR: Yes.

ROMANA: Where's the Count?

DOCTOR: He'll be here. Ah. There's the Jagaroth ship. The last of the Jagaroth, a vicious, callous, war-like race. The universe won't miss them.

ROMANA: You can see why it must have exploded.

DOCTOR: Yes.

ROMANA: Its atmospheric thrust motors are disabled. The idiots'll try to take off on warp drive.

DUGGAN: That's a spaceship!

DOCTOR: The amniotic fluid from which all life on Earth will spring, where the amino acids fuse to form minute cells. Cells which eventually evolve into vegetable and animal life. You, Duggan.

DUGGAN: I come from that, that soup?

DOCTOR: Yes. Well, not that soup exactly. It's inert. There's no life in it yet. It's waiting on a massive dose of radiation.

ROMANA: The Jagaroth ship.

DOCTOR: Yes. The expl*si*n that caused Scarlioni to splinter in time also caused the birth of the human race, and that's what's about to happen. The birth of life itself.

DUGGAN: Here, while we watch?

DOCTOR: No, no, if we were watching we'd be in d*ad trouble. We've got to stop Scaroth.

DUGGAN: Scaroth?

DOCTOR: Yes, that's his real name. If we don't stop him, the entire human race will cease to exist instantly.

ROMANA: Doctor.

DOCTOR: Hmm?

SCAROTH: Stop! Stop, my brothers! In the names of the lives of all of us, stop!

DOCTOR: Scaroth. We've got to stop him.

SCAROTH: Keep out of my way. I must get to the ship.

DOCTOR: No, Scaroth, you can't.

SCAROTH: I'm in that ship. I'm in the warp control cabin. I must stop myself pressing the button.

DOCTOR: No, Scaroth, no. You've pressed it once. You've thrown the dice once. You don't get a second throw.

SCAROTH: But I will splinter in time again, and all my people will be k*lled!

DOCTOR: No! The expl*si*n that you in there are about to trigger off will give birth to the human race. The moment your race kills itself, another is born. That has happened. It will happen.

SCAROTH: What do I care of the human race? Scum! The tools of my salvation.

DOCTOR: No, the product of your destruction. History cannot change. It cannot!

SCAROTH: I will change it!

DOCTOR: Duggan. Duggan. I think that was possibly the most important punch in history.

DOCTOR: His time's up. He's gone back to the chateau.

ROMANA: Let's get back to the TARDIS.

DUGGAN: The ship! It's about to take off!

DOCTOR: It's about to explode, you mean. Come on!

SCAROTH: No, Hermann, no. It's me!

DUGGAN: The one nearest the wall?

DOCTOR: Mmm. It was the only one that wasn't damaged in the f*re.

DUGGAN: But it's a fake! You can't hang a fake Mona Lisa in the Louvre.

ROMANA: How can it be a fake if Leonardo painted it?

DUGGAN: With the words This is a Fake written under the paintwork in felt tip.

ROMANA: It doesn't affect what it looks like.

DUGGAN: It doesn't matter what it looks like.

DOCTOR: Doesn't it? Well, some people would say that's the whole point of painting.

DUGGAN: But they'll find out. They'll x-ray it.

DOCTOR: Serves them right. If they have to x-ray it to find out whether it's good or not, they might as well have painting by computer.

ROMANA: Like we have at home.

DOCTOR: Mmm.

DUGGAN: Home.

DOCTOR: Mmm.

DUGGAN: Yes. Where do you two come from?

DOCTOR: From? Well, I suppose the best way to find out where you've come from is to find out where you're going and then work backwards.

DUGGAN: Where are you going?

DOCTOR: I don't know.

ROMANA: Nor do I.

DOCTOR: Goodbye.

DOCTOR: Bye, bye, Duggan!
{"type": "series", "show": "Doctor Who", "episode": "17x08 - City of Death - part 4"}