Night in a graveyard. Buffy is fighting with a vampire while Parker is lying on the ground.

Parker: Buffy?

Buffy: Parker? Stay down.

She continues to fight the vamp while two other vampires grab Parker and start hauling him away.

Parker: Buffy!

Buffy runs to Parker's rescue, knocking away the two vamps with high kicks and fighting all three at the same time. Eventually she dusts all three vamps. Parker walks up to her holding his arm.

Parker: Buffy, I don't know what to say. After the way I've treated you, and now I owe you my life

Buffy: It's nothing.

Parker: It's everything. You're everything. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to get you to forgive me. Do you think one day you might .

Girl (giggling) Noooo.

Cut to Prof. Walsh's Psyche class. A girl is giggling beside Parker while Buffy watches behind them.

Prof. Walsh: These are the things we want. Simple things. Comfort, sex, shelter, food. We always want them and we want them all the time. The id doesn't learn it doesn't grow up. It has the ego telling it what it can't have and it has the superego telling it what it should want. But the id works solely out of the pleasure principle. It wants. Whatever social skills you've learned, however much we've evolved, the pleasure principal is at work in all of us. So, how does this conflict with the ego manifest itself in the psyche? What do we do when we can't have what we want?

Cut back to the graveyard scene again. Buffy stakes all the vamps.

Parker: Buffy, I don't know what to say. After the way I've treated you, and now I owe you my life.

We see that Parker now has a bouquet of flowers and ice cream in his hand

Parker: Can you ever forgive me?

Cut to commercial

Cut to the campus during the day. Buffy is sitting at a table with

Willow studying. Xander holds a lighter up to Buffy.

Xander: Rough day? Come on Buff. Be a lonely drunk. Rough day?

Buffy: Stop flicking at me.

Xander: Work with me here. I'm finally an essential part of your collegy life. No more looking down o n the townie. I'm the new bartender over at the pub. Got my lighter, my rag, my empathy face

Willow: aren't you two young to be a bartender?

Xander: Oh contraire, mon frere.

Buffy: mon frere means brother

Xander: mon girlfrere. Behold (holds up a fake id) Behold.

Willow: I don't believe this is entirely on the up and up.

Xander: What gives it away?

Willow: looking at it.

Xander: Well no one's going to see it anyway. Now I'm the bartender. I

kick people out

Buffy: You know there's more to it than wiping and kicking. Mixing drinks for instance.

Xander: Well, I've seen cocktail. I can do the hippy-hippy shake.

Buffy: Well, even if I've had a pretend cigarette I couldn't tell you my pretend problems. The real ones have clogged up my headspace.

Xander: ooh unload em right here baby. Rough day? You wanna talk about it? Shutting up now.

Willow: I'm pregnant by my stepbrother who'd rather be with my best friend whose left me with no place to live. No food except this bottle of wild turkey which I drank all up.

Xander looks confused

Willow: That was me being t*nk and friendless for ya.

Xander: Gets my Oscar nod

Buffy: You know what? It's classtime.

Xander: So are you going to come by tonight to the pub?

Willow: Oz. Bronze. Date.

Buffy: You know maybe, maybe he's just having trouble dealing. I mean, don't guys sometimes put the girl they really, really like inside these deep little brain fantasy bubbles where everything's perfect? 

They do that right?

Xander: How's that fugue state coming along

Willow: Parker.

Buffy: Maybe I'm in his bubble and then pretty soon he's going to realize that he wants more than just bubble Buffy and he'll pop me out and we'll go to dinner and it could happen right?

Willow: Buffy. And as my best friend you need to stop thinking about

Parker. He's no good. There are men, better men, wherein the mind is stronger than the penis.

Xander: Nothing can defeat the penis! Too loud, very unseemly.

Willow: I mean, I'm sorry do be so course but I feel strongly about stinky Parker man

Buffy: He can be really sweet. I'm telling you I think he had intimacy problems because of the death of his father.

Willow: Not interested. You got troubles, tell em to the bartender.

Xander: That's right. Cause the bartender's always ready to listen.

Cut to the pub:

Xander: What? What? Okay and you had a rum and coke, and you had a poker's light. And a vodka on the rocks. And a water. Is that right?

Customer one (boy): Do I have to write it down for you. A glass of ice water. A simple request? Ice water.

Customer two (girl): a cold ale, a Canadian lager, a glass of white wine. And a daiquiri

Xander: Ice water, right. Do you want that on the rocks?

Buffy walks in and sees Parker talking to a girl. She walks right into

Riley, spilling his drink on him.

Buffy: Oooh. Riley, I'm so sorry.

Riley: That's okay you know, but most people go around. I'm not saying you can't go through me, It's just that the other is much quicker.

Buffy: In my defense you do take up a lot of space.

Riley: I do. I'm (?). You looking for someone?

Buffy: Um, I just saw Parker over there.

Riley: right. Parker and his latest conquest. You know that boy should have (?)

Buffy: he's kinda a girl chaser huh?

Riley: sets em up and knock's em down. I guess maybe I'm old fashioned but my father says that if you wanna be a gentleman you

(Sees that she's ignoring him)

Riley: don't even care what my father says.

Buffy: I'm sorry what?

Riley: forget about it. You know I've got some people waiting. I'll see you in class right?

Riley leaves. Buffy sees Parker and the girl making out and goes to leave.

Cut to Xander at the bar. Two girls are talking. Xander flicks his cigarette lighter at a one of the girls.

Xander: Rough Day?

Girl: Nay, it's been super. We accepted Melody's pledge. And made her an official sister of Beta Delta Gamma. And our pins arrived today. I

designed it myself.

Xander: You are so sharp.

Guy: Hey Paula. You keeping this fine bartender from his duty? A man's gotta make a living.

Xander: s'all right.

Guy: So the guys and I are about to celebrate

Xander: Uh, I said it was all right. I'm due for a break.

Guy: Oh, so what were you discussing. Maybe we could all join.

Paula: Be nice

Guy: What?

Xander: ah, forget it.

Guy: Oh, no I rudely interrupted and it sounds like the two of you were having quite the meeting of minds. Possibly debating the geopolitical ramifications of bioengineering. You got a take on that?

Xander: I've got beer. You want some beer.

Guy: Yeah, a pitcher of Black Frost. You see I think we have a perfect venue here for conducting a little sociometry. A bi-polar continuum of attraction and rejection. No given your sociological statuses. I

foresee a B rejects A dyad. I'm sorry, lemme clarify. You see, we are the future of this country and you keep our bowl of peanuts full. We are what these girls want. And uh, four glasses.

Xander: How's about I see some ID cause you're not seeing a drop until

I'm satisfied that

Bartender: Just give em a beer

(Xander pours a pitcher for them and leaves)

Cut to Buffy sitting alone at the bar. Xander sees her and comes over.

Xander: Buffy? Rough day? Wanna tell me about it?

Buffy: It's just . Parker's problem with intimacy turns out to be that he can't get enough of it. And knew it. I knew what he was. If he were tied and gagged and left in a cave that vampires happen to frequent it wouldn't really be like I k*lled him really

Xander: Buffy

Buffy: I'm a slut

Xander: No

Buffy: Idiot

Xander: No. You gotta stop being so hard on.

Bartender: Hey

Xander: Sorry, so sorry.

Buffy: I'm better. This has helped.

Xander: Do NOT go anywhere.

She gets up to leave when a guy bumps into her.

Buffy: Oh, oh. I'm so sorry I just keep running into people today.

Guy #2: I can't imagine anybody minding. You're not thinking about leaving are you? Because we have a strict policy against you leaving. At least until you've had a drink.

Guy #1: Yeah, well what my friend is just saying is you shouldn't be sad and alone right now. I mean you're a very beautiful girl who should be covered with men. And, could we be those men? It's on us.

Buffy sees Parker leaving with the girl. She smiles at the guys and takes a beer from them.

Cut to the Bronze.

Oz is walking through the crowd with two drinks in his hands. Willow is sitting at a table.

Oz: Hey. You got a table.

Willow: I had to k*ll a man.

Oz: Well, it's a really good table

Willow: I copied out my notes for Psyche since you were so elsewhere this morning.

Oz: Thanks

Willow: It's really pretty simple stuff. You know, just what's the matter.

Oz: I dunno. I feel It's nothing.

They look at the stage where Veruca appears and starts singing. Oz is entranced and Willow notices. It seems like Veruca is singing right to

Oz.

Willow: We could go back to your place. I could make you soup.

Oz: No. That's okay I'm fine. Thanks.

They continue watching the band. Willow is getting uncomfortable.

Willow: Do you know her?

Oz: Veruca? No. I know their drummer. He's cool. I've never heard them play.

Things get more intense. Oz is mesmerized by Veruca.

Cut to the pub. Buffy is chugging a beer

Guys: Chug, chug, chug, chug

Buffy finishes the beer and burps

Guy #1: The thing that the modern day (?) failed to realize is that all the socio-echonomical and psychological problems inherent in modern society can be solved by the judicious application of way too much beer

Guy #2: Black frost is the only beer.

Buffy: My mother always said that beer was evil

Guy #1: Evil. Good. These are moral absolutes that predate the absolution of malt and fine hops. You see, wait where was I?

Buffy: I'm really not sure:

Guy#4: Well, Thomas Equines and (all the other guys stop him saying

“NO”)

Guy #2: There will be no Thomas Equines at this table.

Guy#3: Keep your theology of providence to yourself frat boy

Guy#4: I was just drawing a parallel between

Guy#1: Beer. Had the earliest morality developed under the influence of beer there would be no good or evil. There would just be kinda nice and pretty cool. Everything would be different.

Buffy: You guys really like to hear yourselves speak don't ya

Guy#1: Alright we're losing her guys

Guy #2: Say something i8nteresting.

Guy #3: Tell us about yourself

Guy#2: Yeah, what do you like.

Buffy: Well, I don't hate this for a start.

Cut to Buffy and Willow's dorm room the next day. Willow walks in from the bathroom with a towel over her shoulder and her bath stuff in hand. She seems upset.

Willow: My name's Veruca. I'm in a band. I'm Oz, I'm in a band too. Oh, and this is Willow. Oh, how fun and creepy. Groovy. Buff, have you heard of this Veruca chick? Dresses like Faith, voice like an albatross.

Buffy: (watching MTV) TV is a good thing. Bright colours. Music. Tiny little people.

Willow: What did you do with Buffy

Buffy: I'm suffering the afterness of a bad night of badness

Willow: You didn't. Not with Parker again.

Buffy: No, with four really smart guys.

Willow: Four? Oh. Ow. Oh Buffy, are you okay? Do you wanna talk about it?

Buffy: I went to see Xander. Then I saw Parker. Then came beer.

Willow: And then group sex?

Buffy: (Hits her) Gutter face. No! Just lots and lots of beer. It's nice. Foamy. Comforting. It's just beer.

Willow: Drowning your troubles over Parker. Mind frying man! He deserves a slow and torturous death by spiderbites. Well, for today we'll just have to throw spitballs at his neck in class.

Buffy: Okay. (Gets up to leave in her pjs)

Willow: Uh (stops her) getting dressed would be fun to.

Cut to Prof. Walsh's class:

Prof. Walsh: Next class we'll be moving on to personality types and disorders. For those of you who have done the reading you already know

(sees Buffy's hand up) yes?

Buffy: She read the reading.

Prof. Walsh: well, she'll have some time on her hands. As I was saying. We won't be able to cover it all in the class but that doesn't mean it isn't work knowing and it doesn't mean it won't be on the mid-term. Now, if I've been unclear in any way. Speak now.

(Buffy sees a girl eating a sandwich and she grabs it out of her hands and starts to eat it)

Willow: Buffy! Buffy are you okay?

Prof. Walsh: Good. Now before you go. Make sure you get the complete worksheet from the TA. Based on that do (?) and hand them to me at the start of the class on Monday. Buffy: (with her mouth full) Yeah, why wouldn't I be.

Cut to a lab where someone is brewing something in beakers. We see a glove turn a knob and fluid run down a tub into a vat of Black Frost beer (what Buffy was drinking the night before).

Cut to commercial.

Cut to pub that night. Buffy is watching Guy#1 pour beer into her glass

Buffy: This good. Ooh, good enough.

Guy#1: Still more is good.

Buffy: yeah. Foamy.

Guy#3: You should come to our class on big thinking. It's good.

(They all laugh. Cut to Xander at the bar. A girl approaches with a cigarette)

Girl: Boy, I'm having the worst day. You got a light?

Xander points to a no-smoking sign

Guy#1: I like girls

Buffy: You stupid

Guy#1: No, you stupid

Buffy: smelly head

Guy#1 pushes Guy#2 over. They all laugh and Xander looks on kinda concerned.

Cut to the dorm. Oz walks up to Willow as she comes out of her room

Oz: Willow. Hey. I tried calling

Willow: Yeah, I've been up at the library. How are you feeling?

Oz: What do you mean?

Willow: well, you weren't in class. Again.

Oz: Yeah, I was practicing. Hey Shy's playing again tonight

Willow: Shy?

Oz: yeah, Veruca's band and they asked me to sit in with them. It would be kinda cool if you were there.

Willow: Two Veruca shows in two nights. Are you sure you wanna share your groupie? I think I'm gonna study. Because of the fun.

Oz: well, yeah I guess how I could see it be dull for ya.

(There's an uncomfortable silence between them and Oz looks confused at Willow being so distant and cold)

Willow: See ya (she turns around and leaves)

Oz: Yeah. (He looks hurt and leaves)

Cut to the pub. Everyone is gone but the group Buffy is will

Guy#1: Stupid

Guy#2: No, you stupid.

Buffy: No you. (They all laugh)

Xander puts some music on the jukebox.

Buffy: You (they all laugh)

Buffy: Hey! She runs over to him and looks confused. She bangs on the jukebox and laughs

Buffy: thing. Like it.

Xander: It's time to go home Buffy

Buffy: Want more singing. Want more beer

Xander: No, I've cut you off.

Buffy: did it hurt

Xander: Out you go.

Xander picks her up and starts carrying her to the door. She struggles. Final she walks to the door with him.

Buffy: Ow, oh, want beer. Like beer. Beer good.

Xander: Beer Bad. Bad, bad beer. What the hell am I saying? Buffy, go home and go to bed.

Buffy: Say bye (pushes him)

Xander: Bye

Buffy: Bye (she leaves)

Guy#1: Hey, where'd girl go?

Cut to another part of the pub. Willow walks in and sees Parker stirring coffee. She approaches him.

Parker: Hey. Did you want something?

Willow: Yes. I wanted to give you a piece of my mind. I'm tired of you men and your manness. Buffy's really hurting right now. In fact she's in need of a big mental tidy. Parker how could you do this to her?

Parker: Oh, I don't get what you mean. What did I do?

Willow: She shared something very intimate with you. And you act like it's nothing more than a bag of some kind of snack food

Parker: Willow, I'm not sure I need to explain my actions here but if that's what you want

Willow: Yes followed by an admission of undeniable guilt. But go on. (She sits down with him)

Parker: some relationships center on a deep emotional tie. Or a loyal friendship. Or something. But most are just two people passing through life enriching or aggravating each other's lives briefly.

Willow: Go on

Parker: Just for one night can't two people who feel an attraction come together and create something wonderful? And then go back to their lives the next day better for it but never over analyzing it or wanting it to be more than it was? I have. She should too.

Willow: People like Buffy a-and me assume that intimacy means friendship and respect. People shouldn't have to ask first if you're going to be eyeing other prospects tomorrow.

Parker: People shouldn't have to preface casual sex with “just so you know I'll never grow any older with you.” It takes the f*re out of it.

Willow: Maybe.

Parker: Willow, I don't regret what happened. Or what we did. But I am sorry that Buffy's hurting and if I mislead her than I'm sorry for that too I didn't mean to. I'm impressed that you care so much about her. You're a good friend.

Cut back to the guys. They are getting more apelike.

Xander comes to clean the table and get paid for the drinks.

Xander: Alright, time to pay up and go home guys.

They throw money at him. Guy#1 leaves to go to the washroom. Xander continues cleaning and picks up a wad of cash from the table.

Xander: Let's see, I'll take this one, and this one. And you know I've always had a problem calculating the tip and you guys being so dapper and brain, maybe you can help me out. Okay great. See if your bill comes to thirty-eight dollars and people tip what, approximately thirty percent? That makes you tip what? (One of the guys gives him all the money). You are so smart. This is so the right amount. (Hears banging in the bathroom). Somebody didn't have their fiber today. Hey are you alright in there? Buddy?

Guy#1 bursts out of the bathroom. He has become a Neanderthal. He conks Xander over the head with a club.

Cut to commercial.

Cut to Xander lying down and the Neanderthal guy on top sniffing his unconscious form. Xander slowly wakes up and sees him. Cut to the three other frat guys afraid and backing away.

Guy#2: Oh God

Guy#3: Let's get outta here!

Neanderthal frat Guy#1 yells in Xander's face and Xander yells back. He gets up as the other frat guys begin to devolve into

Neanderthals as well.

Xander: (jumping up): Hey, hey, easy. We're cool. (They back him into a corner) Help. Oh God. (He pulls out his Zippo lighter and lights it. The Neanderthals are all afraid of the f*re and back away)

NG#1: f*re bad. f*re pretty

Xander: f*re angry! (They all run away out the door in fear. Xander closes the door behind them and calls his boss)

Xander: Jack! Jack! We've got a problem. The guys they they're some of the patrons are turning into cavemen

Jack: They've had it comin (he puts some Black Frost beer on the counter)

Cut to the campus. The cavemen are running around like apes, jumping into trees and fighting.

Cut to the pub:

Jack: you know I've been taking abuse from snot nosed kids for twenty years. They're always coming in here with their snotty attitude, drinking their fruity little micro brews and spouting out some philosophy Like it means a damn thing. Thinking they're different than us. Xander: They are now

Jack: they ain't. That's the great thing about beer. It makes all men the same.

Xander: Why are we talking about beer the guys are the beer.

Jack: Neat huh? My brother-in-law's a warlock. He showed me how to do it.

Xander: No. No neat. I served them that beer. I served Buffy that beer! Uh, how much beer would you say a person would need to consume before they start seriously questing for f*re?

Jack: Relax. It will wear off in a day or so.

Xander: In a day or so someone is going to get k*lled. You're a bad, bad man.

Cut to outside. The Neanderthals see cars. One stands in the middle of the road and gets h*t by a car. He is seriously injured. The driver jumps out to see if he's okay.

Car guy: I didn't see him, is he okay?

He sees what they are and runs away in fear. The other cavemen smash the car, then chase some girls down the street while the injured one remains on the street in pain.

Cut to Buffy's dorm. Xander and Giles are walking through the halls.

Xander: Well, I cut her off before the others so I don't think she had as much to drink.

Giles: I can't believe you served Buffy that beer.

Xander: I didn't know it was evil

Giles: But you knew it was beer

Xander: well excuse Mr. “I spent the sixties in an electric Kool-Aid funky Satan groove”.

Giles: it was the early seventies and you should know better

Xander: I'm not the dad of her. Buffy's a grown up. It wasn't enough to

They see Buffy in her room drawing cave pictures on her walls. She looks at them with a wild look and bangs on the picture she has drawn of a man on the wall.

Buffy: Parker bad

Cut to the pub where Parker and Willow have moved to a couch and are still talking

Parker: I don't mean this in a bragging way but I do get to know a lot of women

Willow: Well, getting to know people is good.

Parker: But I haven't found the one yet. I've yet to find the girl that I can just sit with. Feel totally at ease. Feeling whatever's on my mind. Or even sit with comfortably in silence. Willow, can I tell you something kinda private?

Willow: okay, I mean I feel you've shown me a perspective I haven't really thought much about before. What was it you wanted to tell me?

Parker: Just that I've enjoyed talking to you. Here. Tonight.

Willow: Me too. I mean, with you. You know, I'm wondering something. About you.

Parker: What?

Willow: Just how gullible do you think I am? I mean with you gentle eyes and your shy smile and your ability to talk openly even to me! 

You're unbelievable!

Parker: What?

Willow: This isn't sharing. This isn't connecting. It's the pleasure principle. That's right I got your number ID boy. The only thing you're thinking about is how long you can jump on my bones

Parker: Look, if you think that I'm

Willow: I mean, you men. It's all about the sex! You find a woman, drag her to your den, do whatever's necessary just as long as you get the sex. I tell you men haven't changed since the dawn of time.

The cavemen break in with the girls in tow

Willow: You see?

They knock Willow down and h*t Parker with a stick.

Cut to Buffy's room again.

Giles: fascinating really.

(Buffy's going around on a chair and then falls on the floor. She goes to the TV)

Buffy: Want people. Where people go?

Giles: The TV is off.

Buffy: Want! Want people.

Giles: She doesn't appear to be in any danger. Maybe you should stay with her.

Buffy snifs Xander.

Giles: or perhaps she should be left alone.

Buffy: Boy smells nice (she grabs him and snifs him)

Xander: Yeah, I think we need to track down the fun boys somewhat pronto. Jack said the effects of the beer would wear off

Buffy: Beer? Buffy want beer

Giles: You can't have beer

Buffy gives Giles an evil look

Buffy: Want beer

Xander: Giles, don't make cave slayer unhappy

She fakes a punch at Giles

Buffy: Buffy strong

Giles: Yes, Buffy strong

Buffy: Buffy get beer

Giles: Buffy get

Buffy tackles him, pushes Xander out of the way and runs out of the room.

Xander: Giles!

Giles: I'm fine. Just get her

Xander: Which way?

Giles: Um, check down there. We have to find her before someone gets hurt.

Cut back to the pub the caveman have knocked willow out and have made a shambles of the place. There is a f*re spreading. Caveguy#1 is leaning over Willow's unconscious form.

Caveguy#1: Woman. Man.

Caveguy#2: (waving a stick in the air) Woman!

Cut to commercial.

Cut to the pub. Caveguys finally realize the pub is on f*re and start to panic, not knowing what to do.

Cut to Xander running across campus.

Xander: Buffy! Buffy!

He spots her and approaches her. She looks confused.

Xander: Aha can't find the beer. Good. Freshman girls unable to hold the beer shouldn't have it. Get into trouble.

Buffy jumps away from him

Xander: Hey, we're good. Remember the boy? Boy smells good yeah? Is there any part of Buffy still in there.

Buffy starts to snif. They turn and see smoke

Xander: Oh no.

Buffy: f*re bad!

She runs towards the pub.

In the pub the Neanderthals have gathered all the girls in a corner and continue to prance around, not knowing what to do. Buffy breaks in but can't get through the flames. She sees a f*re extinguisher and gets it but is too far gone to know what to do with it so just throws it into the f*re. Then she sees Willow's unconscious form and something clicks inside. She jumps over the flames and to

Willow. Xander runs inside.

Xander: Buffy?!

Xander runs back outside because there is too much smoke

Xander: Where the hell is Giles?

Cut to Giles talking to a student

Giles: Blonde. Um, about this tall. Walks with a sort of a sideways limp.

Cut back to the pub.

Buffy: Bad. Bad.

Buffy sees windows. She jumps up and works her way across some pipes until she can bust the window open. The Neanderthals take cue and start knocking things over so they can make a stairway to the window. They all run out and the girls follow them. Buffy drags Willow out and up to the window where Xander is helping the girls outside

Xander: Are you alright?

Willow: Buffy's still in there.

Back inside Buffy sees Parker. He's awake and coughing. He doesn't see

Buffy who is looking at a big stick with a lot of interest.

Parker: Oh God. Help me. I can't breathe. (He sees her). Buffy. Oh god, what do we do?

Buffy clubs him over the head with a stick. She grabs his arm.

Cut to outside the pub. Xander and Giles stand beside a bench where

Willow sits and Buffy hovers over her protectively.

Xander: Did you guys have enough fun for one night?

Willow: Yes. Please.

Buffy: Buffy tired.

Xander: And was there a lesson in all this huh? What did we learn about beer?

Buffy: Foamy

Xander: Good, just as long as that's clear. Anyways I think that the boys in the car are contained for the time being. This will give them some time to ponder the geo-political ramifications of BEING MEAN TO

ME!

Buffy walks up to a van and sees the Neanderthals inside. She bangs on the windows getting their attention.

Giles: whose van is that?

Xander: I dunno. Wasn't locked.

Parker walks up to her alive and well

Parker: Buffy. Buffy I I dunno how to say this. I'm sorry for how I

treated you before. It was wrong of me and I'm sorry. You were great tonight, really. I might not deserve this but do you think that you could forgive me?

Buffy wacks him with the club again and knocks him out.

The g*ng gathers around and looks at him. Buffy walks back towards the van but Xander guides her away with the others.

The end.
{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "04x05 - Beer Bad"}