Lina:You're going, and that's it.

Russ: Oh, my God.

I got your stupid vasectomy. Isn't that enough?

Lina: No. You've blown off three follow-up appointments.

Russ: I don't need a follow-up visit.

I know that it worked.

Lina: How could you possibly know that?

Russ: Because I... eyeballed it.

Lina: What?

Russ: My stuff. It's practically clear.

Seriously, you could store contact lenses in it.

Lina: I am moving on.

I'm getting rid of all the baby stuff from the garage.

Do you think that's easy for me?

Russ: Even that bassinet?

Even the bassinet. You need to move on, too.

Russ: I just don't want to be told that I have meaningless semen.

Lina: If you want to get anywhere near any of this...

You're gonna have to take care of that.

S01E06

Invisible Man

Russ: I thought you took lessons.

Frankie: I'm still scared.

(Frankie whimpers) Russ: I want a refund, then.

Get this on.

Girl: What are you doing? Everybody can see you.

Girl 2: What's the big deal? Nobody's here.

(Indistinct chatter, laughter)

Russ: Can I ask you something?

Am I invisible?

Shepard: I don't know what that means.

Lina: He's been upset because some girls changed in front of him.

Shepard: Say what?

AJ: Boobs or beaver?

Russ: That's not the point.

Shepard: N-no, I-I'm gonna allow that.

Russ: They didn't care what I saw.

Shepard: Oh. Well, God bless you.

AJ: No, no, no. I see... I see your point, here. I mean, for all she knows, you're-you're a r*pist. You're a...

Russ: Yeah.

AJ:...sick, sexual maniac who follows her home, studies her patterns.

Maybe you borrow a uniform from an old cop buddy who owes you a favor.

"Is there a problem, officer?" Rag. Ether.

Nightmare.

Russ: Yeah, I... I think I-I was just trying to say, like, I-I want women to feel uncomfortable changing around me. Is that so much to ask?

Lina: I'm uncomfortable changing in front of you. (Phone ringing)

Shepard: Tammy. Mind if I...?

Jess: Get it? No, please, get it. Yeah.

Shepard: Hey, Tammy, what's up? Okay.

Lina: Who's Tammy?

Jess: Tammy is a musician that Shep has been working with.

Lina: So he's getting back into the music business?

Jess: I don't know.

Maybe. It's just nice to see him, uh, excited.

It's a nice change from his super-intense depression. And I just feel like it's so great to see him get off the couch and go to work and... Put on pants.

Lina: Right.

AJ: Pants are for losers.

You're wearing pants right now, dude.

Lina: Yeah.

AJ: Not up here.

Shepard: Right. No, it's on ventura. No, but come around the back.

Right. And they can, they can set up whenever they get there.

Yeah, we'll all be there. All right. Great.

All right, buddy. See you tomorrow. Hey, just got some great musicians for Tammy's session tomorrow. It's gonna sound really, really good.

Jess: Do you know that when you work, it makes me so hot?

Shepard: Really? How hot?

Jess: Well, let's say probably about doggy-style hot.

I-I don't want to put on the knee brace.

Jess: Uh-huh.

'Cause it pulls. You know, it's not...

All right, doggy it is.

Didi: Bowman?

Russ: Hey.

Didi: You have a co-pay of $550.

Russ: Sounds right.

Didi: You need to pay it.

Russ: Totally.

Didi: Today.

Russ: Oh. I don't... I don't have that kind of cash on me.

Didi: Oh, we take credit cards.

Russ: Well, I have the cards, but... not the credit.

You're going to have to pay the balance of this procedure.

Russ: Yeah, I'll pay it. Just not today.

Didi: Let's reschedule, then. We'll get something on the books after the payment is all squared away.

Russ: All right. Have a great day.

Child: My name is Albert Einstein and I was born in Germany in 1879.

I developed the theory of relativity.

Russ (Whispering): Look, it's not my fault, okay? We tried. It's over.

Lina: Seriously? What is wrong with you?

Russ: I'm invisible?

Lina: Here's what you're going to do.

You're gonna go back in that office, and write down that woman's name and scare the shit out of her.

Russ: How?

Tell her that your wife already sent the check and if they don't see you right away, that you're gonna stop payment on it and let it go to collections.

Tell her that.

Russ: You're getting pretty good at this.

Lina: No, being broke makes you crafty.

Russ: So then why don't you come with me and then you can do the talking.

Lina: I can't.

I have to take the baby stuff today.

Russ: Come on. I...

Don't make me go back to that cock-butcher.

Father: You guys want to take this outside?

Russ: I'm sorry. We're so sorry.

Lina (Whispers): Sorry.

Russ: Your son looks great.

Lina: It's his daughter.

Russ: It's your daughter.

Look... she looks great.

You're going back to the cock-butcher.

Russ: Hey, I never got your name.

Didi: Didi.

Russ: Oh, great name. So, Didi, there was a mix-up before.

Uh, it turns out my wife already sent the check.

Really?

Russ: But if I don't see the doctor right now, we're gonna cancel the payment.

And then it will go to collections, Didi. And they will call us and I will be forced to mention your name. Didi.

So you'd better polish your résumé.

Because you'll get fired.

Didi: Why would I get fired?

Russ: Because they'll call. And they'll know.

I don't know. I... it made sense when my wife said it.

I just need to see the doctor right now, okay?

Hello? Didi... please?

Oh, what am I, invisible now?

Doctor: Who says you're invisible?

I see you standing right there, Mr. Bowman.

Russ: Thank you, doctor.

(Didi sighs)

Lina: Bye-bye, baby shit. (Grunts)

Hi. Whew. Lot of memories here.

Employee: Okay, you just have to estimate how much this stuff cost you.

Lina: Um... my youth. Every time I cough, I pee a little.

Employee: I'll write down "$50."

Lina: Can I ask you a question?

Who gets this stuff?

Employee: Regular people.

People who need it.

Lina: Do you think that I could meet the person who gets my stuff?

I'd love to put a face with a, you know...

Employee: Doesn't really work like that. (Gasps)

Lina: I think I'm gonna need a minute.

Shepard: She'll be here soon.

Well, how long do you have the studio?

Shepard: I'm... by the hour.

Jess (Chuckling): Okay.

Shepard: So whenever she gets here, we'll... that's when we'll go. (Phone rings) Oh, hey, could be her.

And it is. Hey. What's up?

Jess: Sorry. (Chuckles) Trust me, this is worth it. She's really hot.

She has the talent of a much uglier girl.

Shepard: That's...

Well, listen, that's your call. You-you do what you guys need. Uh-huh.

"Oh, that's all right. So, you feel better?" She says, "no, 'cause I've been throwing up. I've been throwing up for the last couple of days."

Jess: Uh-huh.

So I said, "hey, what are you, pregnant?"

Guess what.

Jess: No. She's pregnant?

Shepard: She's pregnant. She and her boyfriend are gonna take the kid.

They're gonna raise the kid in Iowa. So they're going to Iowa.

Jess: That's gonna ruin her career.

Shepard: What do you want me to do?

Jess: Oh, my God, you know what you need to do.

Shepard: No, I don't. I don't know what I need to do.

Jess: Tell her to get rid of it.

Shepard: The baby. Get rid of the... That's what I should tell her?

Jess: Yeah, look at how happy you are.

You love working with this girl.

Shepard: I didn't love it.

Jess: Yes, you did, and you haven't... you...

Shepard: It was fun, it was fun.

Jess: Oh, my God, you haven't been this happy since you left the label.

All right, she's a good singer; I was trying to help her out, but it's over.

Jess: No.

Shepard: So that's okay. It's over.

Jess: Don't just do that.

Shepard: Now it's over.

Jess: Tell her about Liz Phair's abortion.

I don't know what you're saying now.

Tell her that right before Liz Phair was, like, about to break out, she got pregnant, but then you talked about it, and you arranged for her to get an abortion, and then nine months later...

(Blows raspberry) You know, she's a h*t instead of a mother. (Chuckles)

Shepard: That never happened.

Jess: That-that... just, PJ Harvey then, if that makes more sense to you.

I never met PJ Harvey, none of...

Jess: She probably doesn't even know who that is, either.

She'll be embarrassed to ask.

Okay, what is wrong with you? These... this is crazy.

Jess: Nothing is wrong with me.

Shepard: There's nothing to say to her.

She wants... it's her life. It's her life, so she...

Jess: Tell her that having kids is gonna ruin her life.

So our little baby boy is ruining your life?

Jess: No, he's not ruining my... you're ruining my life.

Shepard: Okay.

Jess: Don't do this.

I know what you're thinking, and that's, you know...

Shepard: Really? What am I thinking?

You need to do it, do your thing, fine.

Shepard: Can I just say, a lot of the shit that comes out of your mouth cannot go back in.

Jess: You could just get on the phone and just, like, talk to her is all I'm saying.

Shepard: You know what?

Jess: You could just put in the effort and do that.

I'm gonna talk to her, okay.

Try-try to not talk now. Do me that favor.

Doctor: Okay, let's see. Mm-hmm. Well, the good news is, the incision healed nicely. Everything looks perfectly boring.

Russ: Boring?

Boring is good. Boring is what you want.

Just one thing left to do.

Russ: sh*ts?

Doctor: Semen. (Groans)

(Indistinct conversations)

Hey, where do I go? I got to give this...

Father: One-sixth of 12.

Daughter: Two.

Father: Let's do two-fifths of 100.

Russ: Really? Right here?

Didi: Be sure to lock the door.

Father: Are you asking me or are you telling me?

Daughter: 21.

Father: 21.

Okay, one-sixth of 12.

Daughter: Two.

Father: Three-quarters of 100.

Daughter: 75. (Sighs)

(Muffled conversations)

Daughter: I divide the circumference by pi, right?

Father: That's right.

Daughter: But then how do I get the area?

Father: Okay, for the area, it's pi times 2r. See, we just multiply the diameter by pi.

Russ: That's wrong. Father: What about this here? A third of 15.

Daughter: Five.

Oh, the hell with this. It isn't gonna work.

Father: One-half of 20?

Daughter: Uh, ten.

Didi: You all set?

Russ: No, I haven't even started. I'm having a little trouble with the, well, the materials.

Didi: What kind of trouble?

Russ: It's just the magazines.

They're soft-core.

I just, I...

It's my second favorite core.

Didi: Don't they have a DVD?

Russ: Yeah, it's lesbians.

Lesbian p*rn just makes me feel like a third wheel, you know?

It's like, what do they need me for?

I'm just gonna get in the way. If you have anything, you know, like, under the desk or in a box or something, with dudes and chicks, that'd be awesome, but no g*ng bangs, okay? No threesomes.

Nothing in a moving vehicle, okay? Because I get carsick.

Didi: Do you want to come back at another time and bring your own materials?

Russ: Oh.

All right, I got this. Excuse me, do you mind keeping it down, okay?

I just, I have a... I have a meeting in there, so...

Father: She has a test tomorrow.

Russ: This is an important meeting.

Father: Well, this is an important test.

Russ: Maybe a little help, Didi?

Father: Third of 15.

Daughter: Five.

Father: One-half of ten.

Daughter: Five.

(Horn honking) (Phone ringing)

Lina: What's up?

Russ: Hey, I need your help.

Lina: They still wouldn't see you?

Russ: No, I got in. I just... I need you to take me home.

Lina: What?

Russ: What are you wearing?

Lina: Russ, no. I'm not having phone sex with you.

I'm in a thrift store.

Russ: Lina, seriously, come on.

The p*rn here sucks, okay?

And there's some assh*le in the lobby doing homework with his daughter.

Lina: This is so unfair.

Russ: I don't care.

I just... I need you to do something, okay? I did your script, now you do mine.

Lina: No, this is not a good time.

I just handed over the bassinet. It's official. No more babies.

Now I have to figure out my life. I'm just, I can't.

Well, can we figure it out after I come?

(Sighs)

Lina: What do you want me to say?

Russ: Well, first change your attitude.

Lina (Softly): What do you want me to say?

Russ: There you go. I got my shorts off. You're naked.

I want you to tell me how I'm gonna enter you.

Lina: Regular.

No, wrong, okay? Today we do my positions.

Lina: Oh, we're gonna be here all day.

Russ: Just... start cowgirl, okay, and then reverse it.

Lina (Weakly): Yee-haw.

Russ: Lina, please, I'm in a room right off of a... lobby with people right on the other side.

Lina: Okay, okay, fine.

So, I push you down on the bed.

Russ: Okay, good.

And then I climb up on top of you...

Russ: Okay.

Lina:...and put you inside me.

Yeah, and my hands are all over your...

Lina: Oh, yeah, you're grabbing my ass.

Russ:...tits, yeah.

Lina: I mean my tits, yeah, that's right.

Russ: Yeah, that's good.

Lina: Now I'm sitting on top of you and... Oh, you're so deep.

Russ: Yeah, put it inside.

Lina: Oh, my God.

Man: How much is this jacket?

There's no sticker.

Yeah, I don't work here, sorry, dude.

Russ: Who was that?

Lina: You don't know him.

Okay, where were we?

Russ: Uh, you were riding me.

Lina: Okay, right, so I'm riding you.

I'm riding you so hard.

Russ: That's good, yeah.

Lina: It feels so good, I'm digging my fingernails into your shoulders.

Russ: Yeah, it feels good.

Lina: Yeah, it does?

Russ: Yeah.

Lina: Yeah, you like that?

Russ: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lina: Okay, so now you're, you're sliding in and out of me, and... oh, I'm so wet.

And you put your finger in my butt.

Lina: Okay, yeah, I'm gonna do that, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, come, baby.

Come on, that's right.

Russ: I want to come inside you.

Lina: Okay, yeah.

Russ: Yeah, I'm gonna put another baby in you...

Lina: No, you're not. Russ, no!

Russ: Yeah, I'm gonna make a baby.

Lina: Russ, knock it off!

Russ: That's it!

Aw, you're gonna be so pregnant!

Lina: You're being weird.

Russ: Aw! Lina, come on!

Lina: You come on! We're not doing that anymore. It's weird.

Russ: Why can't I just pretend?

Lina: I don't want to.

Russ: I just need to feel like I'm still... dangerous.

Or something.

(Sighs)

Lina: I get it. Okay.

Okay, so, so I'm riding you.

Russ: Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna put a baby in you. Yeah.

Lina: Yeah, you are, yes. Baby, I want you to come inside me.

I want you to, I want you to sh**t it up inside me.

Russ: Uh-huh, I'm gonna sh**t it so deep.

Lina: You're gonna make me so pregnant... oh, my God!

Russ: I'm gonna make you so pregnant! That's it.

I want you to make me so pregnant. Can you do that for me?

Can you? Can you?

Can you put a baby in me?

Russ: Yeah, I'm gonna put a baby in you.

Lina: Do it! Come inside me. I want you to make a baby. That's right, yeah.

Get me pregnant, come on. Come on, get me so pregnant. Oh, God, yeah!

Russ: Yeah, keep going. Don't stop.

Lina: sh**t all over my eggs, come on!

Yeah, I'm gonna sh**t on your eggs.

Oh, my cum's going on your eggs!

Lina: Okay?

You make me pregnant? Will you knock me up?

Russ: I'm gonna make you pregnant! I'm gonna make you pregnant! Oh!

Lina: Make a baby, yeah!

Russ: Oh! Okay.

(Moaning)

Oh, wow.

Please tell me you got it in the cup.

Russ: I think I did. I think most of it.

Oh, my God.

Father: The area is pi times 2r.

Okay. All right, I'll see you at home.

We need waffles.

Russ: Okay.

Daughter: Diameter...

Father: Mm-hmm.

Daughter:...is pi, right?

Father: Yeah, that's right.

Could you remind me how to get the area?

Russ: Might be a little spicy. I had chorizo for lunch.

Oh, and by the way, the area of a circle is pi-r-squared. Duh.

Father: The r, that's the r.

Daughter: Oh.

Lina: You bought my bassinet.

Woman: Who?

Lina: That's my bassinet.

Well, I just donated it, literally I just donated it.

I hope your baby's as happy in there as-as my girls were.

Woman: Oh, yeah, I would never put a baby in this piece of shit.

It's for my ferret. Actually can you mind holding him while I light my cigarette?

It's really more of a coffin to bury him in.

'Cause he has cancer.

So, you say it's called a-a bassinet?

(Water splashing) (Harrison cooing)

Jess: Ooh, make little splashes?

(Dinging nearby) There's too much splashing in the bath.

And too many bubbles for one little baby.

Shepard: Hey.

Jess: Hi.

How'd it go with Tammy?

Shepard: She's on her way to Davenport.

Jess: Is that the name of a clinic?

Shepard: No. It's a place in Iowa.

Jess: Aw. Your daddy's a good man. But he didn't want our meal ticket to get an abortion. Isn't that right, daddy?

Shepard: Stop.

Jess: What?

That's what happened.

Shepard: What, are you mad?

Jess: You can't make people do things that they don't want to do, right?

Shepard: And I really don't want to be managing some kid. I don't.

Hi. Hi! Hey.

Want to watch a movie tonight?

Uh, you know, I can't. I'm gonna go to the office.

But, um, take a rain check.

(Harrison giggles) (Coos) (Shepard sighs)

Russ: Hey.

Lina: Hmm?

Russ: Do you want to have a date?

Lina: Mm... I'm not taking my shirt off.

Russ: That's okay. But can we talk about the pregnant stuff again?

Lina: No chance.

Russ: Come on.

Lina: No.

Russ: Well, then, can we pretend that I'm a cashier at Ralphs and you're, um, returning some old lettuce?

(Lina laughs)

Lina: Oh, look at this lettuce.

Russ: Ah...

Lina: It's so wilted.

Russ: Yes, yes! It is.

Lina (Laughing): You're so weird!

Man: Hey.

Jess: Hey.

Man: Can I sit with you?

(Jess laughs)

Jess: Sure.

(Man clears throat)

Man: Are you alone?

Jess: Uh...
{"type": "series", "show": "Married", "episode": "01x06 - Invisible Man"}