Written by: Eric Messer, Debra J. Fisher, Rob Wright

Transcribed by: Shay Fitzpatrick 

Season 7, Episode 15

Episode Number: 149

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[Scene: Magic School. Library. Paige, a man, and his daughter are there.]

Paige: So the wizard didn't realise the weight of the book. And after he put them on the shelves, they blew up everywhere and he had to re-conjure the entire library magically. But because he was a wizard, it only took him a couple of minutes. (The man and the daughter giggle.) Yeah, it's a cute story. (under her breath) The first couple thousand times you tell it.

Man: Excuse me?

Paige: Nothing. That's pretty much the bulk of the tour. Would you like to know anything about the facilities, students, teachers?

(Suddenly, Drake comes flying out of a room and he crashes against a wall.)

Drake: Boy. That was swinging! Hi.

Paige: Hi. This is Professor Drake. This is April, one of the students who's applying.

Drake: Oh, salutations. How do you do? Hello.

Paige: Drake is our visiting lecturer on advanced magical compositions.

Drake: In this case, magical musical compositions. That's the use of meter and tempo in spell casting and conjuring. (They hear a grunt and a loud noise coming from the room.) Oh, the troll is here. Why don't we see if he'll dance for us. Come on. (They stand at the doorway.) Hey, you put them down! All of 'em.

April: Wow, will I get to take his class?

Drake: Sure, why not?

Paige: Yeah, actually, Professor Drake's gonna be going on sabbatical in about a week.

Drake: That's right. I forgot about that little wrinkle. But with eager minds, and the power of magic, it's midsummer madness all the time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta cut in.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Street. A security officer is standing in front of an abandoned building, pointing a g*n. People are panicking and trying to get away from him.]

Security Officer: They'll burn! They'll burn! Don't you understand? They'll burn. We have to help them. (The police pull up.) I don't want to hurt anybody. We have to help them! They're burning. (The police get out of the car and point their g*n at him.) I don't wanna hurt nobody, but I need somebody to listen. We need help. (A police officer tackles him to the ground.) You don't understand. You don't understand. The f*re...

Police Officer: Relax, pal, you're under arrest. (He handcuffs him.) Get up.

Security Officer: We gotta help Marie!

Police Officer: Just calm down, buddy. Come on, everything's gonna be okay.

Security Officer: No, it won't. You don't understand. The f*re. You have to let me go so I can get help! They're gonna burn! They're gonna burn!

(Screams are heard from a muddy hole in front of the building.)

[Scene: Manor. Piper's Bedroom. Piper and Leo are there packing a suitcase. Wyatt is sitting on the bed.]

Piper: Uh, rain gear for the kids? 

Leo: Yes. 

Piper: Camera and film? 

Leo: Of course. 

(Piper picks up an Italian dictionary and flips through it.) 

Piper: Extra room for my... Pattini? 

Leo: (thinks) Pattini. 

Piper: Shoes. It's not a vacation in Italia if you don't have new shoes. (Leo laughs.) What's the matter? 

Leo: I don't know. I guess I still don't think that this is such a good idea. 

Piper: Why not? In Hong Kong, we'll buy you some suits or bootleg DVDs or something. 

Leo: It's not the shopping. It's this whole world vacation thing. I just think we should stay here and wait for the Elders' decision on me. 

Piper: Absolutely not. That's precisely why we should be going. Look, we're all together, we deserve a vacation. And we're not gonna sit around and wait for the other pattini to drop, so that's that. We're going. 

Leo: But what about the travel and the cost? 

Piper: Oh, for god sakes, Leo. We're orbing. 

Leo: Okay, well, what about Phoebe and Paige? 

Piper: What about them? 

Leo: Well, they made us this big send-off dinner last night. 

Piper: Oh, please. They ordered pizza. 

Leo: Right. And we're not helping with the clean up. 

Piper: Wow, if that's the best you got, you really do need a vacation. 

Leo: But... 

Piper: Arresto! Look, Phoebe and Paige just remade the world. I think they can handle the kitchen. Now, unless you have any more objections... (They pick up Wyatt and Chris and their bags.) Leaning Tower of Pisa, here we come. 

(Leo orbs them all out of the room.) 

[Cut to the Kitchen. Phoebe is on the phone. Paige is at the sink cleaning the dishes.] 

Phoebe: I know, but Elise, why can't we just do the interview here? You know, kind of like an Ask Phoebe at home thing. Oh, yeah, the place looks great! (Paige makes a face.) Yeah, call them, I'll hold on. 

Paige: That sounds exciting. 

Phoebe: I guess. 

Paige: What do you mean? You have Cosmo profiling you. That'd be great at any time. Sheesh. 

Phoebe: I know, but I still want to make the most out of my day. 

Paige: Phoebe, you asked to meet me here at... 8:22. That's not making the most of your day. That's some sort of weird OCD thing. What's going on? 

Phoebe: I don't know. Maybe meeting Drake and realising what little time he has left has made me want to make the most of the time I have left? You know, time's a'wastin'.

Paige: Yeah, well, at least you're not wasting all your time at Magic School. 

(The doorbell rings. Still on the phone, Phoebe heads for the front door.) 

Phoebe: (to phone) Yeah, Elise, I'm still here. Oh, they can move it, that's perfect. (Paige follows Phoebe to the front door.) Just as long as the sh**t's over by 3:00, 'cause I'm speaking at City College. All right, I'll be there in like twenty-five minutes. 

(Phoebe hangs up.) 

Paige: Sheesh, woman. You're a machine. 

Phoebe: Every moment counts. Can you do me a favour and help me get this place cleaned up by 2:00? Great, thanks. (Phoebe opens the door.) Hey, Darryl, how you doing? Gotta go.

(Phoebe grabs her coat.) 

Darryl: Hey, hold on a second. I need your help. Hi, Paige. 

Phoebe: I was afraid you were gonna say that. 

Paige: What's the matter? 

Darryl: I'm not sure, but I think I've been around you guys long enough to know when something is not right. 

Paige: What do you mean? Something magically wrong? 

Darryl: I don't know what else it can be. 

Phoebe: Listen, I'm on the clock here, so you gotta speed this up a little. 

Darryl: Okay, look, my friend Mike, my mentor, actually. He's the one that brought me into the force. I think that... he might be, you know, possessed, maybe. He's not crazy. I don't care what anybody says. I mean, Mike would not hurt a fly. 

Paige: Whoa, wait. Back up to the possessed thing, please. 

Darryl: Well, since Mike retired, he's been working at this jewelry store as security on Market. And lately he's been having these... episodes. 

Phoebe: What kind of episodes? 

Darryl: Well, they've been happening more and more frequently lately until yesterday when he just snapped. He started waving his g*n around, talking about he's gonna die in some terrible f*re at Cabaret Fantome. 

Paige: I haven't heard of that place. 

Darryl: Look... I haven't asked you guys for help like this before. 

Phoebe: Okay. Well, if I move my staff meeting to 11:00 and my 1:00 to 1:30, I should be able to help you right now. So I will check the archives for the club, Paige, you go with Darryl and check out this Mike guy, and we'll meet back here at like, I don't know, 1:10.

(Phoebe leaves. Paige shrugs her shoulders.)

[Scene: Bay General Hospital. A Room. Mike is strapped to a bed. He is yelling and trying to get free.]

Mike: No! I need... I need somebody to listen to me! I don't have much time. You understand? I don't have much time!

(Paige and Darryl stand at the doorway.)

Darryl: You see what I mean?

Paige: It doesn't seem demonic.

Darryl: Not demonic? I'm telling you, he doesn't even know who I am. He acts like he doesn't even know who he is.

Mike: Help! Let me get out of here!

Paige: He mostly seems afraid and panicky. All right, here goes. (They walk over to Mike.) Hi, I... I'm...

Mike: Marie.

Paige: No, I'm Paige. Who's Marie?

Mike: My fiance. She's trapped too.

Paige: Trapped where?

Mike: At the club with everybody else.

Paige: Cabaret Fantome?

Mike: Yes! Yes, you know it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You believe me?

Darryl: Just relax, Mike.

Mike: No! My name is George. I keep telling you that! We're gonna die. Don't you understand that?

Darryl: If that's not possession, what is it?

[Scene: Magic School. Phoebe and Paige are there. Phoebe shows Paige an old newspaper.]

Phoebe: Cabaret Fantome, deadly f*re. Maybe Darryl's friend isn't so crazy after all. The Count's club was the biggest, most corrupt in the city. Right until it b*rned down, k*lling everyone inside.

Paige: Okay, why would the Count set the f*re in the club, only to die in it himself?

Phoebe: I don't know, maybe he couldn't get out fast enough?

Paige: Maybe we should talk to George.

Phoebe: George? Who's George?

Paige: If I'm right, he's somebody who died in the f*re. I think he's a spirit that's possessed Mike and he's crying out for help.

Phoebe: Yeah, but why would he need help? The f*re happened over a hundred years ago.

(Drake walks in.)

Drake: Help from the pain of being a lost soul, perhaps. Paige asked me to do a little research in between classes.

(He drops a book on the table.)

Phoebe: "Possessions, Confessions, and Ghostly Obsessions: A demon's guide to everything magical."

Drake: Yeah, I used to sell these things lair to lair. Talk about a tough item to move.

(The book opens.)

Phoebe: "Lost souls are spirits of the d*ad, unable to move on because of spiritual confusion."

Drake: That's when souls die a violent death together. The fires of Gomorrah, the Flood, Pompeii. (The book starts to shake.) I would step back. The book likes to show off a little, don't you?

(A rope flies out of the book.)

Phoebe: What the hell?

Drake: Don't be afraid, it's simply illustrating a point. When souls die at once, the good ones can't move on because the bad ones are holding them back. And vice versa. They're lost, they're stuck in their respective afterlives, unaware of their tragic fate. It's really sad, actually.

(The book slams shut.)

Phoebe: Okay, but if they're unaware, how are we supposed to help George?

Drake: We can't. Unless we enter his world and find out which one of those bad souls is holding him back.

Phoebe: Excuse me?

Drake: Well, this spell would get us there, but I'm not gonna tell you what it is unless you take me.

Phoebe: Wait, us?

Drake: How many chances do we have to go to the 1890s?

Paige: It's not going to the 1890s that's the problem. It's getting back from the 1890s.

Drake: Don't you worry there, little lady. The spell will only keep us with the souls till the moment they become lost. In this case, it's when the f*re begins.

Paige: Okay, how do we free George?

Drake: I don't know, we wing it.

Paige: Uh, okay. I don't know. I'm gonna go check out some other things.

(Paige walks away.)

Drake: All right. You don't have to go, but you do.

Phoebe: I can't. I have an interview today.

Drake: Interview shminterview. How does an interview weigh in against the fate of an innocent? And if we are to help, your premonition skills could prove essential. And it is the next logical step in our whirlwind romance.

Phoebe: What whirlwind romance?

Drake: The one we'd be having if we had time. Come on, I don't have long to live, I'm dying here. A soul needs your help. So, what do you say?

(Phoebe sighs.)

[Scene: Street. Phoebe, Paige and Drake pull up outside a large abandoned building.]

Paige: Are you sure this is the place?

Phoebe: It says here it's where the cabaret used to be.

Paige: A vacant lot after 106 years?

Drake: It's probably haunted. Or better yet cursed. Cool, let's go.

Paige: Is there a special reason we can't do this from home?

Drake: The closer we are to where the souls were lost, the better the chances of finding the exact one we are looking for. Excuse me. Safety first.

(He gets out of his seat and climbs over to the back seat where Phoebe is. Phoebe giggles.)

Phoebe: What are you doing?

Drake: Getting comfortable. What else? You don't want my body... slumped in the front seat. It's too conspicuous. Phoebe, living isn't about tasks. It's about living.

(Drake clicks his fingers and an old sheet of paper appears in his hand.)

Phoebe: All right. Paige, are you gonna make sure Elise bumps my interview two hours?

Paige: I'm all over it.

Phoebe: And we will be back before two hours?

Drake: Yeah. We'll return just when the f*re begins. Which, based on what you said about George, seems imminent. "Free our souls from their shells, see where the lost spirits dwell, long enough to find their pain, quick enough to return again."

(Phoebe and Drake fall asleep.)

[Cut to inside Cabaret Fantome. 1890s. Phoebe and Drake appear on a staircase. Phoebe is wearing a red feathery dress and Drake is wearing a black tuxedo.]

Phoebe: Oh, my. (They look around and see men and women drinking and talking. A man is playing a piano.) This is...

Drake: Fantastic. Well, you look stunning.

Phoebe: Why, thank you. You don't look so bad yourself.

Drake: Well, thank you very much.

(Phoebe takes Drake's arm and they walk down the stairs.)

Phoebe: So, what do we do now?

Drake: We mingle.

(They walk through the room. A man sitting at a table near by with some women stands up.)

Count Roget: Ladies, please. (The women walk away.) Toulouse, who the hell is that?

(A man turns around and looks at Phoebe and Drake.)

Toulouse: Never seen 'em before, boss.

Count Roget: Nor have I. Find out who they are.

(Phoebe and Drake notice Count Roget staring at them.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Cabaret Fantome. Continued from before. Phoebe and Drake are walking through the room.]

Drake: Pardon us.

Phoebe: So all these people are stuck in some, like, ghostly limbo? As if the f*re never happened?

Drake: It happened. Otherwise they wouldn't be here.

(Drake watches a woman walk past them.)

Phoebe: All right, keep your eyes in your socket, buddy. We're here for George, remember?

Drake: That doesn't mean we can't enjoy ourselves. Come on, it's 1899. You may not remember, but I do. What, the Gilded age? It's a time when everyone thought life couldn't possibly get any better. There was science, there was art. There was peace and love. And romance. Everything was a celebration.

Phoebe: This is a celebration? Everyone's d*ad, just like...

Woman's Voice: George? George? (A woman walks up to a fortune teller sitting at a table.) What did you do to him?

Fortune Teller: I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.

Woman: Don't lie to me. I saw him over here talking to you and now he's gone.

Fortune Teller: What can I say? He likes my cards. Still, I don't know where he is. Now, if you'll excuse me.

(A man sits at the fortune teller's table. The woman walks away.)

Phoebe: Uh, excuse me? I couldn't help but overhear. Do you know George?

Woman: Who are you?

Phoebe: That doesn't matter. But what does matter is that George came to us for help. About the f*re?

Woman: What f*re? What are you talking about? I don't have time for this.

(The woman walks away.)

Phoebe: She doesn't know about the f*re either?

Drake: That's because it hasn't happened yet. Not as far as she's concerned. Not as far as they're all concerned.

Phoebe: Huh?

Drake: Don't you see? They're doomed to repeat the last few hours over and over again. It's like a never-ending loop.

Phoebe: Well, that's just terrible. What could possibly cause such a thing?

Drake: What or who?

(They look over at Count Roget. Toulouse walks up to Count Roget.)

Count Roget: Well?

Toulouse: Well, they're not the law. I don't know where they came from.

Count Roget: I'm more interested in how they got in. And if they're my way out.

Toulouse: What do you mean?

Count Roget: Toulouse, what if I was to tell you everyone in this room has been reliving this same night for over 100 years? Like rats on a wheel. I mean, nobody knows it but me. And what if, no matter what anybody did, or how hard they tried, there's absolutely no way out? And all the drinking and gambling and... the girls. Well, what if they didn't mean squat? What if, you'll love this, I told you that it was going to be like that forever? Forever. What would you say then?

Toulouse: Well... Would I get to keep my tips?

Count Roget: Bring me a Scotch. Champagne for the lady, and a cigar for the gentleman. I want them to be comfortable when I meet them.

Toulouse: Yes, sir.

[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Paige has put Phoebe and Drake on the chairs.]

Paige: Okay, if you guys are not back in two minutes, I'm calling Piper. (The doorbell rings. Paige walks into the foyer and opens the door. Elise and the photographers are there.) Hey, Elise. What are you doing here?

Elise: Well, what do you mean? I'm here with Cosmo for the photo sh**t. Where's Phoebe?

Paige: Uh, Phoebe... Didn't you get her message? She said she's gonna have to reschedule.

Elise: What?

Paige: Yeah, just for a couple hours.

(Elise walks inside and closes the door.)

Elise: I never got the message to push the sh**t. Are you out of your mind? We're talking national exposure here for her column. The kind you can't buy, and the deadline is tonight! And no, I can't just... (Elise sees Phoebe asleep in the chair in the conservatory.) Phoebe? Phoebe, we talked about this. (Elise heads for the conservatory.) You blow it with Cosmo once, you don't get a second chance. What is the matter with her?

(Paige stands in front of Elise, stopping her from walking any further.)

Paige: Well... I'd say that she's got food poisoning.

Elise: Food poisoning!

Paige: Shh. I think the more she can sleep, the quicker she'll get better.

Elise: When? When is she gonna get better?

Paige: Well, like I was trying to say... A couple hours. Have you thought about doing it at the office?

(They walk back towards the door.)

Elise: Well, that is where I originally wanted it, but...

Paige: See? You're brilliant. Really, a brilliant woman. Okay, I promise you'll have her there.

Elise: She better be.

(Elise leaves. Paige walks into the conservatory.)

Paige: Piper! Piper, Leo! (Piper, Leo, Wyatt and Chris orb in.) How was the vacation?

Piper: This better be an emergency. We were just about to go for a gondola ride. (Paige points to Phoebe and Drake.) Per l'amor di dio!

(Leo translates.)

Leo: Oh, for the love of god.

[Scene: Cabaret Fantome. A fan dancer walks on stage and talks to the piano player. Phoebe and Drake are sitting at a table. Count Roget is sitting at a table beside them.]

Drake: Hey, a fan dance. I love a fan dance. Wait'll you see this. (Phoebe looks uninterested.) Nevermind.

Count Roget: Yes, it is quite a sight. A beautiful woman onstage, nothing between her and the audience except two ostrich plume fans. The allure of the dance is to watch how she moves with the fans. Showing only what she wants, not an inch more.

Phoebe: Is the dance ever performed by a man?

Count Roget: So tell me, my new friends, how exactly do you know George?

Phoebe, Drake: What makes you think that we do?

Count Roget: Well, I saw you talking to his fiance, Marie. She seems terribly distraught, doesn't she?

Phoebe: She doesn't know what happened to him.

Drake: Do you?

Count Roget: I've been concerned about him recently. Keeping an eye on him, you know. He is my best barkeep, after all.

Phoebe: And you don't know what happened?

Count Roget: I wish I did. So, how did you come to learn about Cabaret Fantome?

Phoebe: Word gets out.

Drake: Hard to keep a place like this hidden forever.

Count Roget: Do you like the cigar?

Drake: Quite.

Count Roget: They're hand rolled in Havana, and shipped to my dealer Philippe, special. He's right across the street actually. Would you like to take in the night air, pay him a visit? He loves new customers.

Phoebe: Sure. Care to join us?

Count Roget: Sadly, I am unable to leave the club.

Drake: And why is that?

Count Roget: Because as they say... the show must go on, right?

Piano Player: Ladies and gentleman, please welcome your host, Count Roget.

(Count Roget stands up.)

Count Roget: Feel free to enjoy the show from here. It's a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Phoebe: We're dying to see it. (Count Roget walks up on stage. Everyone applauds. Suddenly, a glass window shatters and you can see a f*re on the other side. Everyone screams and runs for it. The clock says 12:00.) Right on time.

(Another window shatters near the fortune teller. Everyone screams.)

Drake: Could have waited till after the show. Come on, we gotta get to the spot.

(Everyone tries to escape and the doors slam shut. The place is going up in flames. Chandeliers fall.)

Maria: George!

(Phoebe and Drake head for the stairs.)

Phoebe: We have to help her.

Maria: George, where are you!

Drake: We can't. We stay, we burn. Don't worry, she'll be back tomorrow.

[Scene: Bay General Hospital. Room. Mike is struggling to get free from his bed. A nurse is trying to control him.]

Mike: The f*re!

(Darryl runs in.)

Darryl: What's wrong? What's going on? Go, go get some help!

Nurse: Right away.

(The nurse runs outside. Mike glows and calms down.)

[Cut to the Cabaret Fantome. Phoebe and Drake are at the top of the stairs. George suddenly appears in the room.]

George: Marie! (Marie runs over to him. They hug.) Just hold on.

(Count Roget sits down at a table. He sees Phoebe and Drake vanish.)

[Cut to the Manor. Conservatory. Piper and Paige are there. Leo walks in.]

Leo: There's nothing in the Book that tells us how to get them back. So... Since I can't talk to the Elders...

(Phoebe and Drake suddenly wake up.)

Paige: Phoebe?

Piper: Are you all right?

Phoebe: I don't know.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Continued from before.]

Phoebe: And that's when the good souls tried to escape, but couldn't.

Piper: Couldn't?

Drake: Yeah, all the exits were magically sealed. (Drake stands up.) I got d*ad leg. I'll be down here. Sorry.

(He sits back down.)

Leo: At least nobody knows they're gonna re-live it.

Phoebe: The Count definitely knew. He just stood there watching everybody burn.

Paige: You think he's a demon?

Phoebe: No, if he was, he wouldn't be reliving it.

Drake: No, but maybe he made a deal with a demon. If he's the one bad soul trying to hold everyone back, he'd do anything to keep from moving on.

Piper: Doesn't seem like much of a deal, though. He's stuck as well.

Drake: Yeah, but anything's better than purgatory. Trust me, it's... Besides, he's probably trying to buy time. Find another way out.

Phoebe: Okay, so how do we help George and the other souls move on?

Leo: First you've gotta find a way to separate their souls from the Count's.

Phoebe: Yeah, but how?

Piper: Find the demon who he made the deal with and get him to break it.

Paige: Think that demon's around?

Piper: Well, this one is.

Drake: Yeah, but not for long. Besides, that's not really the point. I mean, enough about me. What do you think of me?

Piper: Let's go check the Book. Andiamo.

Drake: Ciao, ciao.

(Piper and Leo leave the room.)

Phoebe: Maybe we should go talk to George and see if he remembers what the demon looks like.

Paige: Hello. Hello. Magazine. Interview. Cosmo. Canceling twice.

Phoebe: Well, I think this is a little bit more important than Cosmo, don't you?

Drake: Paige, there is a lot more to life than work. There's adventure.

Paige: Really? I wouldn't know.

Phoebe: Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you do it?

Paige: What?

Phoebe: Be me. You can glamour. You've done it before. Paige, it'll give you a little taste of life outside Magic School. And besides, if anyone knows me as well as I know me, it's you. Just fake it.

Paige: Why don't I just go talk to George?

Drake: Because if we have to go back at the Cabaret afterwards, the Count is expecting Phoebe. Feathers and all.

Paige: Feathers?

Phoebe: Don't ask.

[Scene: Bay General Hospital. Hallway. Phoebe, Drake and Darryl are there.]

Darryl: The doctors are saying that he's schizophrenic or something. First he's George, then he's back to being Mike again. Now he's George.

Phoebe: That must be who we saw get back into the club before we left.

Drake: Perhaps the f*re starting is what pulled George back in the time warp.

Phoebe: He knows what's really going on.

Drake: And can only escape long enough to cry for help.

Darryl: What are you two talking about?

Phoebe: The f*re that your friend's screaming about, Darryl, is real. Very real.

Drake: That's how poor George died.

Phoebe: And the only way he knows how to cry out for help is to possess your friend.

Darryl: But why? Why Mike?

Drake: Proximity.

(They hear Mike screaming from the room.)

Phoebe: You ready?

Drake: No.

Phoebe: Let's go.

Drake: Okay.

(They walk into the room.)

Mike: I gotta get out of the f*re! It's coming back! I need somebody to believe me!

Phoebe: We believe you, George.

Mike: George? Then you do believe me?

Phoebe: Yes.

Drake: We also saw Marie just as we left.

Mike: You can go in and out without getting b*rned? How?

Drake: Well, you kind of have to die first.

Phoebe: We can go back in to free you and everybody else, but we're gonna need your help.

Mike: Anything. Anything.

Phoebe: What can you tell us about the Count?

Mike: He's the one who did this. He cursed everybody to save himself.

Phoebe: Yeah, we know.

Drake: Maybe he was talking to someone else, maybe there's...

Phoebe: Did you see him talk to anybody else, anyone unusual that night?

Mike: Yes, yes! Every night before the show he sits with this frightening-looking man at the centre table. And then the Count, he signs something.

Drake: That could be the deal.

Phoebe: They might still be there.

Drake: This may be a silly question. Is there anything we can do to make you more comfortable?

Mike: Save Marie.

[Scene: Manor. Attic. Leo is there writing in the Book of Shadows. Piper walks in.]

Piper: Kids are down for the count. No pun intended. What are you doing?

Leo: Me? Nothing.

Piper: Yes, you are. You're writing in the Book?

(Piper looks at the Book.)

Leo: No, I was just looking for demons.

Piper: "Tips for future Whitelighters." What?

Leo: It's just something I was working on for the kids. You know...

Piper: No, I don't know. Why can't you just tell them this yourself when they're ready?

Leo: Because I might not be around.

Piper: Come on.

Leo: Look, Piper, I know you want to ignore everything going on with the Elders, but I can't. We don't know what they're gonna do to me or when.

Piper: They can't just yank you out of our lives, Leo.

Leo: How do you know that?

Piper: Because they can't. And if they did, I'd quit. We'd all quit. Is that why you didn't want to go around the world in 80 orbs?

Leo: Yeah, I just wanted to finish it. Just in case.

Piper: Okay. Did you even look for demons?

Leo: Yeah, I found this one. Sargon. Traders of souls, preys on the afterlife.

Piper: Well, it certainly looks like our guy except... we vanquished him already.

[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Hallway. Paige walks in.]

Paige: I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. (She sees a poster on the wall of Phoebe.) You owe me.

(Paige glamours into Phoebe.)

Paige/Phoebe: Hello, sis.

(Paige/Phoebe walks into the office. Elise, the photographer and the interviewer are there. Elise rushes up to her.)

Elise: Phoebe, there you are. You look great. You feeling better? You are so late.

Paige/Phoebe: I know. Maybe we should just reschedule.

Elise: Not a chance. Come meet everybody.

Cameron: Hi, I'm Cameron.

Paige/Phoebe: Hi, it's nice to meet you. So, you're the photographer?

Cameron: Uh, I'm interviewing you. We spoke on the phone? Twice?

Paige/Phoebe: That's right. I'm sorry. I got confused. I thought you said, "I'm the camera man." Get it?

Cameron: Okay, so I'm gonna ask you questions while they sh**t. Is that all right with you?

(She stands Phoebe in front of a background.)

Paige/Phoebe: Sure.

Cameron: Okay, great.

Paige/Phoebe: sh**t away.

(The photographer takes a photo. The flash hurts her eyes.)

Cameron: Are you all right?

Paige/Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, it's just new contacts.

Cameron: So why don't we start with what inspired you to become an advice columnist?

Paige/Phoebe: That's a really good question. Well, I guess growing up as an only child...

Cameron: I'm sorry, only child?

Paige/Phoebe: I meant Paige grew up as an only child. I mean, that's how she grew up until she met her sisters, you know, us, me. And that had absolutely nothing to do with why Phoebe became an advice columnist.

(Elise laughs.)

Elise: She talks about herself in the third person.

Paige/Phoebe: Yeah, what I meant to say was that Paige had a lot to do with my decision. Well, she opened up a whole new world for me, and made me see how much I really have to offer. And I can honestly say, that I would not be standing here today if it wasn't for Paige.

Cameron: Oh, great.

(Paige/Phoebe poses for the camera.)

[Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Leo are there. Phoebe and Drake walk in.]

Phoebe: Hi, okay. According to Mike...

Drake: George.

Phoebe: Whatever. There was in fact a demon in the club that night who...

Piper: We vanquished, five years ago.

Phoebe: What? Are you serious?

Piper: 'Fraid so.

Leo: And according to the Book, there aren't other demons who could've made the deal either.

Phoebe: Well, how do we get them to unmake it?

Drake: We go back.

Piper: No! What? No.

Phoebe: No, I think he's right. It's the only way we're gonna be able to find the demon.

Piper: But you said yourself you barely made it out alive last time. Besides, you don't even know what he looks like.

Phoebe: Well, George told us where to find him.

Drake: It's simple. We go back. I talk to him demon to demon, talon to talon, claw to claw. Make him unmake the deal.

Phoebe: Hopefully, the souls'll be released.

Drake: Yeah.

Phoebe: Okay. Let's do it. (Phoebe and Drake sit on a couch.) This time no messing around, okay? We get in, we find him, we get out.

Drake: Might wanna stay for the show.

Piper: Wait. What are we supposed to do?

Phoebe: What you always do. Worry.

[Scene: Cabaret Fantome. Phoebe and Drake appear at the top of the stairs.]

Phoebe: We're late.

Drake: No, we're not. Let's go.

(They run down the stairs.)

Phoebe: There's nobody at that centre table.

(Count Roget walks up to them.)

Count Roget: Your demon is long gone. In fact, he left 106 years ago. Right after we made the deal. Long before the f*re. You know... (in Mike's voice) The f*re! It's coming back! You gotta believe me! (Phoebe and Drake see George and Marie sitting at a table near by. Toulouse has a g*n pointed at them.) Please, you gotta help me and Marie! Or something like that?

Phoebe: Oh my god, that was you in Mike's body. You tricked us!

Drake: Slow down.

Piano Player: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host, Count Roget.

Count Roget: I regret to inform you that tonight's fan dance is going to be cancelled.

(He points a g*n at Phoebe and Drake. All the windows shatter. Everyone screams.)

Phoebe: You really think that g*n's gonna do anything?

Count Roget: Indeed. If you can burn, you can bleed. (He sh**t Drake in the chest. He falls backwards.) You really shouldn't bother. Both of you will die soon enough. Since your friend George has found a temporary way out, I now have found my permanent way out.

(Count Roget walks to the top of the stairs and disappears.)

[Cut to the manor. Attic. Piper is pacing.]

Leo: You know, they haven't been gone that long, relax.

Piper: Oh, no. I can't relax. I worry, remember? (Drake wakes up.) Drake, what happened? Why isn't Phoebe waking up? Drake, did you hear me? What the hell is wrong with Phoebe?

Drake: I suppose she didn't make it.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Attic. Continued from before. Count Roget/Drake is looking at himself in the mirror.]

Piper: What do you mean she didn't make it? How is that possible?

Count Roget/Drake: I don't know. (He hits the mirror and it spins.) Clumsy...

(He hits the mirror again and it hits him in the head.)

Piper: What's the matter with you?

Count Roget/Drake: Nothing. Actually, I'm splendid. I mean... swell.

Leo: Look, you have to go back and get her before the f*re starts.

Count Roget/Drake: It's already g*n.

Piper: Well, then you need to go get her. Go!

Count Roget/Drake: No. What do you mean, go back there? Forget it.

Leo: Why not?

(Count Roget/Drake looks out the window.)

Count Roget/Drake: Perhaps if I go... outside... Have a smoke, you know, like... Consider the possibility of going back. I gotta go. Excuse me.

Piper: Who are you? Count Roget!

(Piper tries to blow him up.)

Count Roget/Drake: Oh, not bad. I guess I did choose the right body.

(Leo puts up his hands. Piper stops him.)

Piper: No, don't. You're in enough trouble already with... (Count Roget/Drake shimmers out.) The Elders.

[Cut to Cabaret Fantome. The place is on f*re. Everyone is screaming and trying to escape. Phoebe is kneeling beside Drake.]

Drake: Go. I'm gonna die anyway. Get out of here.

Phoebe: Not like this. If George can get out, we can too. We just have to think about this. We have to think about it.

Drake: Fortune teller.

Phoebe: Okay. (They go over to the fortune teller's table. They look in a book.) Perfect. Perfect escape from the ordinary. Five card spread.

(She places tarot cards on the table.)

Drake: Listen, odds are the Count's possessed my body. Until he's evicted, I got nowhere to go. Only you can get out into your body. Even though I'm into your body, I still can't get out.

Phoebe: I'll come back for you.

Drake: If he puts up a fight, you just vanquish my sorry ass. I don't care. But only as a last resort.

Phoebe: Okay. Vita Brevis Abraxis.

(Phoebe disappears in a cloud of smoke. Drake coughs.)

Drake: Can I get a water?

[Cut to the manor. Attic. Piper and Leo are there. Piper picks up a vial.]

Piper: This should dispossess him, if we can find him.

Leo: He's off the radar. There's nothing in the Book to help locate him.

Piper: You were onto something a minute ago. (Phoebe wakes up and gasps.) Phoebe?

Phoebe: Where's the Count?

Piper: Wait a minute. What's my middle name?

Phoebe: Uh, Surly?

Piper: Ha. That's my girl.

Phoebe: Whatever, where's Drake's body?

Piper: We don't know.

Leo: We can't scry for him. But we're thinking maybe he's in a pub, or a restaurant.

Phoebe: Or a tobacco shop. I think I know where to find him.

[Scene: Street. Count Roget/Drake is running from a couple walking their dog. He steps onto the road and a motorbike rides past him.]

Count Roget/Drake: Whoa! What kind of terrible world is this?

(Piper, Phoebe and Leo walk around the corner.)

Piper: One you'll be leaving soon.

Count Roget/Drake: No. They'll take me away!

Phoebe: Go to hell!

(Phoebe throws a vial at his feet. Drake's body falls to the ground leaving Count Roget's soul standing there. Black shadows surround him and he screams. They suck him into the ground. Piper, Phoebe and Leo watch as the souls from the Cabaret Fantome are freed and rise into the sky.)

[Cut to Bay General Hospital. Room. Mike looks over at Darryl.]

Mike: Darryl?

Darryl: Mike. Is that you?

Mike: Of course it's me. (He notices that he's strapped to the bed.) What's... what's going on here?

(Darryl laughs.)

Darryl: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

[Cut to the street. Drake wakes up. Phoebe tries to help him up.]

Phoebe: Welcome back.

Drake: Thank you. (Drake pulls Phoebe onto his lap. Phoebe giggles.) Thank you for bringing me back. This boy was getting hot.

Phoebe: I'll bet.

[Scene: P3. Piper and Leo are sitting at a table. Leo is reading out of a book trying to speak Italian.]

Piper: Leonardo, it's bene.

Leo: The vacation was a great idea.

Piper: Just not great timing.

Leo: Yeah, well, life is short, bella.

Piper: Are you quoting Drake now?

Leo: He's got a point. Thanks for trying to distract me from the Elders.

Piper: I just wished it would've worked out the way I planned.

Leo: Could be worse.

Piper: I think from now on I'm gonna stop trying to control every little moment. The best ones kinda sneak up on you anyway.

(They smile at each other and clink their wine glasses.)

[Cut to another table. Phoebe is sitting there. Paige walks up to her.]

Paige: Excuse me, have you seen Phoebe?

Phoebe: Very funny.

(Paige sits down.)

Paige: Wow, I haven't seen you this relaxed in quite a long time. After having been you, I kinda see why.

Phoebe: Well, I'm trying to take a step back and enjoy every moment. Hey, thank you. You did a great job. Nobody ever knew.

Paige: Well, you're welcome. I think after reading the article, you'll find that your little sister got praised quite a bit.

Phoebe: Deservedly so.

Paige: I actually think I got more out of it than you did. I kinda miss being out there in the real world, you know.

Phoebe: Maybe you should do something about that.

Paige: Maybe I will.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, P3 is proud to present a one night only show by...

(Piper and Leo sit at their table.)

Leo: What's going on?

Announcer: Drake Demond.

(Everyone applauds.)

Phoebe: Oh my god.

Piper: This is what happens when you have one week to live?

Paige: What is he up to?

Phoebe: Just be grateful it's not a fan dance.

(Music starts playing. A spotlight shines down on Drake on stage. He sings "Everything's Kind Of Good". When he's finished the spotlight turns off and everyone applauds.)
{"type": "series", "show": "Charmed", "episode": "07x15 - Show Ghouls"}