Ben: Okay, boys and girls. Guess what kind of animal Wacky Benny's making now? Give you a big hint. (He crows like a rooster)

[sh*ts of the kids show yawning and boredom. The balloon animal Ben is making breaks and the children laugh]

Red Headed Boy: Is it a d*ad animal?

[Ben looks discouraged]

Birthday Girl’s Father: I say we put him out of his misery and bring out Emma's cake.

Birthday Girl’s Mother: He's so new to this. How's he gonna learn if we stop his act?

[Ben tries to salvage his balloon animal]

Red Headed Boy: You're a sucky clown.

Ben: (trying to stay positive and upbeat) And you're a super-duper audience.

[The red-headed boy is sitting on the floor right in front of Ben. He moves forward on his knees and punches Ben in the groin]

Ben: (leaning down and grabbing the boy’s arm) Hey, that is not okay.

Red Headed Boy’s Father: (running up to Ben) Hey, keep your hands off my son.

[The red-headed boy’s father shoves Ben, who shoves him back]

Ben: Tell him to keep his hand off me.

[Ben stumbles backward and falls to his knees against the French doors. The birthday girl’s parents move toward him]

Ben: I can't move my arm or leg.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene opens on the diagnostics conference room. It is now furnished with a large oval table and chairs, a rocking chair, a comfortable seating area with a sectional couch arranged in a semi-circle around a small table, and another smaller seating area with just two chairs and lamp on a table between them. Chase, Taub, Park, and Adams are seated at the table. House is wandering around the room]

Taub: So how does a completely healthy teenager have a mini-stroke?

Park: Head CT and cerebral angiogram are normal. Clotting parameters are normal.

[House rearranges a model of a human eye, which is sitting on a bookshelf, then sits down at the table between Taub and Chase and focuses his attention on Taub. There is a brightly colored diaper bag on the table beside Taub]

House: You're forgetting the wrinkly clump in the middle of his shirt. Thought we'd diagnose the middle-aged clown first.

Taub: (looking at House) It's probably from my seat belt.

House: Wrinkle pattern's too varied. It looks like someone shoved you or grabbed you.

Taub: (trying to ignore House) Probably from the diaper bag. If the patient's using drugs, cocaine could have caused an arterial spasm in his brain.

House: The tox screen was clean. I'm gonna say it was the ex-girlfriend you cheated on, not the ex-wife you cheated with. If the latter was prone to v*olence, you'd have been scattered in various dumpsters years ago.

Taub: (looking around at the team) Seriously? No one else wants to talk about the patient? New office furniture. Meaty topic.

[Chase pulls his wallet out of his pocket and takes out bill]

Chase: What's the action on the ex-wife?

Taub: (giving in and explaining) It was Rachel's boyfriend Phil. His company's moving him back to Portland. He wants me to change my visitation order so he can ask Rachel and my daughter to move out west with him. Things got a little heated.

[House makes a grab for the bill in Chase’s hand. Chase jerks it back quickly]

Taub: The patient was punched in the groin. Could have triggered a massive sympathetic discharge.

House: Carotid duplex is normal. Who's better qualified to be the daddy? The guy who spilled a little DNA in her gene pool or the guy who's gonna be there day and night to pass on important values like, not shtupping mommy after the divorce?

Taub: I am her daddy. She's staying here.

Park: House has a point. A couple nights a week with each kid may make you feel better. Doesn't replace two 'round-the-clock parents.

Chase: 'Round-the-clock or not, parenting's an impossible job. No way not to mess it up. Why shouldn't Taub be the one to do it?

Taub: Thank you?

House: Makes sense. Park's tiger mom and dad were so insufferable, she has to measure their affection in hours. Chase's careerist dad and alcoholic mom were so indifferent, he has to believe it's a wash. (looking at Adams) Your turn. What did your screwed-up parents do to screw up your view of parenting?

Adams: They were good parents.

House: That's an oxymoron. Chase is right. All parents screw up all children. He's also dreamy, but it's not relevant now.

Taub: So all parents screw up all children, but it makes some huge difference if I keep my daughter here or let her move? (returning to the case) Endocarditis. Flipped a piece of vegetation into his brain, which could have broken up before the angiogram.

House: Transesophageal echo to confirm. Screwed up is your best case. Bouncing between a philandering workaholic dad and an embittered, sexually betrayed mom, it's gonna lead to screwed-up squared.

[The team leaves to perform the test]

[Cut to Ben’s hospital room. Chase and Taub are preparing Ben for the test. Ben’s mother and stepfather are present]

Janey: Is endocarditis treatable?

Chase: Very. The echo will show us any growths on his heart valve. Most likely meds will be enough. He won't even need surgery.

Janey: He's just taken up performing and it's very stressful for him. Could that have caused this?

Ben: It's not stressful. I have fun.

Taub: Stress wouldn't be relevant, but anything that increases his adrenalin could have made it worse.

Janey: Maybe we find you a new hobby, one you're a little better at.

Ben: I'm gonna get better at it, and it's not a hobby. I-I think I want to get a job working as a circus clown, making people laugh.

Janey: Ben, I-I don't think that's a good idea.

Ben: It was good enough for my dad.

Chase: (looking at Ron) You're a, uh…

Janey: No, his biological father.

Ron: Could his dad's melanoma be a factor here?

Taub: That wouldn't be related.

Janey: Ben, you barely knew him. You're such a smart kid. You could aim a lot higher than face paint and seltzer bottles.

[Cut to House in a clinic exam room with a middle aged, overweight, male patient]

Clinic Patient Monroe: I need treatment for my type 2 diabetes.

House: There is absolutely no part of that sentence that is true.

Monroe: I've been experiencing weight gain, fatigue, and sluggishness.

House: Weight loss is a symptom of diabetes. Fatigue is a symptom of thinking you have disease you don't actually have, and sluggishness is a synonym of fatigue.

Monroe: I need Insulin. I know it.

House: Much as I'd like to k*ll you by dangerously lowering your blood sugar, m*rder violates my parole.

Monroe: (pointing to the printout of his test results) That bloodwork is week's old. Test me again.

House: I am the test. The test is negative. The test also thinks you're a giant pain in the ass. That last insult was your cue to leave.

Monroe: (pulling up his sleeve) Test me.

House: Fine. Wait right here.

Monroe: Thank you.

[House picks up the patient’s bloodwork results and leaves the exam room]

House: (to a nurse) Sleep study. Please make sure he's not disturbed for the next eight hours.

[Wilson is standing at the nurses station writing on a chart. House approaches]

Wilson: We need to talk about Saturday night.

[House wads up the patient’s bloodwork printout and tosses it toward a wastebasket]

House: No, no, no, no, no. Historians will talk of Saturday night, not us. The legendary night, on which we watch Santos shatter Rubio's jaw and you epically pay me $50.00.

Wilson: I have a chance to really watch it. A patient of mine has a pair of tickets he can't use, and obviously you're under house and office arrest. I just wanted to make sure you were cool if I go to Atlantic City without you.

[Wilson finishes writing and places the chart in a file]

House: Uh, no, thanks. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to decline your invitation to not spend Saturday night with you.

[House walks out of the clinic. Wilson follows]

Wilson: These are ringside seats.

House: Cameras are ringside too. If you want, I could sweat and spit and bleed on you from time to time.

Wilson: I'd take you if I could.

House: Well, I'd take me if either of us could. See what a tough spot I'm in?

[They stop at the elevator and House pushes the button]

Wilson: I'm going to that fight.

House: All right, I'll take the other ticket. Let me worry about logistics.

[House gets into the elevator, leaving Wilson looking confused]

[Cut to House entering the diagnostics conference room. All four team members are gathered around the table]

Chase: Patient's heart valves are normal. It's not endocarditis. But he has a thickened pericardium, which makes no sense.

House: He has a heart problem but not one that could have caused his T.I.A.

Adams: Syphilitic vasculitis would explain the T.I.A., and the pericardial inflammation.

Park: Syph test was negative. Plus, the kid's never been sexually active.

House: Yeah, I got that from the line in his chart that says "birthday clown."

Taub: His late father was a circus clown.

Chase: Histoplasmosis?

House: He's not immuno-compromised. (to Taub) And I assume you added that irrelevant tidbit because you're moved by the son's idiotic tribute and think it justifies keeping your daughter in New Jersey.

Adams: What if he has a heightened immune system?

Taub: I mentioned it because…

House: Take your time. We'll continue with the medicine.

Adams: Sjogren's could have given him chronic pericarditis and cerebral arteritis.

House: Sjogren's it is. IV immunosuppressants to treat. (looking at Taub) Anything?

[Cut to Taub hanging an IV bag in Ben’s hospital room]

Taub: This will calm your immune system. Should be out of here within the week.

Ben: My mom will be happy to hear that. I've got an internship that starts in three weeks.

Taub: I take it it's not at a place with a big top.

Ben: It's at my stepdad's law office. I know I'm not any good at being a clown yet, but when I do get a laugh and see those kids' eyes light up, that's how my dad made me feel when I was a kid.

Taub: You need to hang on to that.

Ben: Heh. My mom says he was a loving father but, always broke and, always on the road. It's a stupid way to make a living.

Taub: You're 16. Plenty of time to make money. Wanting to build a connection with your dad and pass on some of the joy that he gave you, that's not stupid at all.

[Ben’s nose starts bleeding]

Taub: Ooh. I got it.

[Taub pulls on gloves, hands Ben a tissue, and puts a basin under his chin]

Ben: (dabbing at his nose with the tissue) Is, uh, is this because of the medication? Is it normal?

[Ben leans over the basin and spits up some blood]

Taub: It's not normal, and it's not Sjogren's.

[Cut to the team entering House’s office. House is sitting at his desk, facing away from the door]

Taub: T.I.A., thickened pericardium, and now he's bleeding from his nose and mouth.

[House swivels around to face the team. He is holding one of Taub’s daughters. He is stroking her hair as she contentedly gnaws at a teething toy]

Taub: What are you doing with her?

[He rushes up and takes his daughter from House. House hands the teething toy to Taub]

House: "Her"? Surely this bundle of fun has an actual name.

Taub: It's Sophie.

Chase: Both your kids are named…

Taub: She's Sophie. The other one's Sophia. It different enough.

Adams: They actually have two completely different derivations. (When Taub looks at her, she shakes her head) No, they don't.

Taub: I wasn't in a strong negotiating position. (to House) Why is she here?

House: Ruby dropped her off. Seemed pretty upset. Apparently someone forgot that it was daddy's night. She wasn't even gonna leave her until I said that I was letting you off early.

Taub: Damn it. I just started back on the team. My schedule's a mess.

Park: If your own kids are a scheduling item, maybe you should let one of them move.

Taub: Patient has low platelets. Makes me think D.I.C.

[Sophie squeals]

House: She doesn't seem to like that idea. You're right. (speaking baby talk) He has no schistocytes in his smear. (Chase grins)

Park: He also has a low red count. What if it's a retroperitoneal bleed?

Chase: No Grey-Turner's sign.

House: (to Taub) She wasn't fussing like that when I was holding her. Maybe she likes the sound of my voice, which is weird because I have no genetic connection to her. (he stands) Could it be, she doesn't know the difference?

Taub: So many children of your own. No wonder you have such insight into my relationship with my babies.

House: Good point. How could I comprehend that you're too despised to keep them from having the same name, too overwhelmed to remember your own calendar, and too vain to admit that at this stage, you don't matter to either baby.

[Taub bounces Sophie, attempting to calm her]

Adams: Low white count suggests infection.

House: What if you're all right? Low platelets plus low red count plus low white count equals…

Chase: Aplastic anemia.

House: Kid needs a bone marrow transplant. Everyone except Adams, transfuse his platelets till you find a match.

[Chase, Taub (still holding Sophie), and Park leave]

House: (to Adams) You started college a semester late because you left high school a semester late because (he pulls a small note our of his breast pocket and reads it) you had five incompletes in your junior year.

Adams: And you're offering one bad semester as proof that my parents screwed me up?

House: Did okay before that. Straight As after that.

Adams: I went through a rebellious phase.

House: Don't tell me. Mom and dad were at each other's throats and the academic crisis was a cry for help.

Adams: Sorry to mess with your worldview, but I'm not messed up, so my parents couldn't have messed me up.

[Cut to all four members of the team in the lab]

Chase: Mom's HLA is only a 3/6 match.

Park: Maternal grandmother's worse than that. (to Taub) Where did you unload the baby?

Taub: Maternity ward. (Park grins) Shut up.

Adams: You realize you're making House's argument for him.

Taub: The part where he said any parent who uses day care should ship their child across the country?

Adams: No, the part where he said that baby doesn't need you. You've only got her a couple days a week and most of that's spent with a rotating cast of nurses.

Chase: That's how daddy likes to spend his time too.

Taub: Shut up.

Adams: First cousin's also a whiff.

Park: So much for genetics mattering. I'll try the marrow registry.

[Cut to Taub and Chase talking to Ben and his parents about the transplant]

Taub: Dr. Park is searching the registry. Transfusing his platelets will keep him healthy while we wait.

Chase: Are you sure there's no one on the father's side of the family? If one of them's a match, that'd speed things up a lot.

Janey: His parents died young. He was an only child. There's no living relatives that I know of.

Taub: Something will turn up soon.

Ron: How soon is soon? Will he miss a lot of school?

Ben: I'm actually thinking of just getting my GED.

Janey: How do you expect to get into a good college?

Ben: I'm gonna take classes on magic and juggling and try to make a go of this.

Ron: Ben, you keep your grades up, you can do anything in the world.

Ben: Like what? Work in some boring office? I mean, do you think my father would have done that for ten minutes?

Janey: You don't remember your father. You don't know…

Ben: (mimicking what Taub told him earlier) I want to build a connection with him, pass on some of the… the joy that he gave me. (squirming uncomfortably) My, uh, my back hurts. Uh.

[An alarm goes off]

Chase: His BP is dropping.

[Cut to Foreman’s office. He is in the middle of an important video conference call]

Man on Phone: We think we've dealt wit all the liability issues.

[Foreman’s computer monitor shows the two men he is speaking with plus a smaller window with the video of himself. House leans into the camera range]

Foreman: (looking back at House) I'm in a meeting.

House: Sorry. Since you paged me, I didn't want to keep you waiting.

Foreman: Yeah, I paged you, which means you're next.

House: That's cool. I'll wait.

[House walks behind Foreman]

Foreman: (turning back to his conference call) That's a good start. Let's go through it point by point. First up…

[House’s fingers appear behind Foreman’s head, making bunny ears. Foreman looks back at House, then back to the men he is speaking with]

Foreman: (closing his laptop) I'll call you back.

Foreman: (taking a large envelope from his desk) Just got this. The American Association of Rheumatology wants you to speak, 9:00, Saturday, in Atlantic City. Dr. Neusinger canceled on them at the last minute.

House: I hate conferences.

Foreman: This is a big one, and it's the premium slot. I'd like you to do it. I'll clear it with your parole officer. What do I need to do for you?

House: Halve the clinic hours that you recently doubled and double the hooker budget that you recently halved. I think you refer to it as petty cash.

Foreman: Fine. Just one thing. I'm gonna ask them to put you on in the morning. We're doing them a favor. Why should you have to spend the night?

House: You said that 9:00 was the premium slot. I mean, I want to feel like I've earned my hookers.

Foreman: The place will be a madhouse, especially since it's two miles from the Rubio fight at the exact same time. Nice try. You called up, pretended to be Neusinger, cancelled, and suggested yourself as a replacement. You go to that fight, you go to prison.

House: But that'd be redundant, when I have an angry black guy waiting for me to drop the soap right here.

Foreman: Better go do some of those clinic hours I recently doubled.

[Cut to House entering a clinic exam room. Monroe is sitting on the exam table. He holds out a urine specimen cup]

Monroe: Test my urine.

House: Looks like I was wrong about my diagnosis.

Monroe: Yeah. I have diabetes.

House: No, but you're not a hypochondriac or you would have imagined some new disease after I sh*t down the first one. So whose urine is that? Diabetic girlfriend without health insurance?

Monroe: It's not a scam. I'm sick. Now I have swollen ankles.

House: The medical term is cankles. (sitting down on the stool) Is there some black market in insulin that I don't know about?

Monroe: It's in my genes. My old man got diabetes at 50. My older brother, got it at 50. I just turned 50.

House: Well, it's a great argument if diabetes was a gold watch.

Monroe: I got sciatica, like my dad. Class-four hemorrhoids, like him. I need to get a jump on this thing.

[There is a knock on the door. Chase and Taub enter the exam room]

Chase: We had to stop the transfusion. Patient's having an allergic reaction to donor platelets.

Taub: No one in mom's family's a match, and as far as she knows, dad has no living relatives. It's been years since he died.

[House rolls across the room on the stool and takes Ben’s file from Chase]

House: (reading the file) If the kid's dad died young of melanoma, how come the overprotective mom never took him to a dermatologist?

Monroe: Are you gonna test my urine or what?

[House gives the file back to Chase, then rolls back across the room. He takes the specimen cup, unscrews the lid, gives the contents a sniff, then takes a swig and swishes it around in his mouth. Chase and Taub look horrified. House swallows]

House: Not diabetes. (turning back to Chase and Taub) Use cross-matched platelets. Try to find the patient some blood that's closer to his own. And get the real story on clown senior's death. Mom's hiding something. It's a good bet that it's medically relevant.

[House drinks the rest of the specimen cup contents, and screws on the lid]

House: Apple juice. Easiest way to fake a spike in blood sugar.

[House walks out, leaving Chase and Taub still in shock, and Monroe looking guilty]

[Cut to Chase and Taub talking to Ben’s parents outside his hospital room]

Taub: His family history of melanoma may have affected his cellular outlook.

Chase: If we had more data on the exact type of melanoma his father had…

Taub: Otherwise, we might not be able to find a marrow match.

Janey: He never had melanoma.

Taub: How did he die?

Janey: He didn't. He lives in Pennsauken, under a different name, Mitchell Gordon.

Ron: How could you keep this from me? From Ben?

Janey: He really needs to know his dad just breezed in and out of his life, drunk and incoherent? It's better to think the man's d*ad but decent.

[Cut to House and Wilson sitting at a booth in the hospital cafeteria. Wilson has a sandwich in front of him]

Wilson: You realize I have to invite someone else to the Rubio fight?

House: Nope. No realization whatsoever.

Wilson: You have a LoJack on your leg.

House: I was happy watching the fight on pay-per-view. You're the one who insisted we go to Atlantic City.

[House reaches for half of Wilson’s sandwich, but Wilson slaps his hand away. Wilson carefully cuts one of the sandwich halves in half and turns the plate so that the smaller pieces face House. House reaches past the quarters and picks up the sandwich half, taking a big bite out of it]

Wilson: Your biological father was a decent, God-fearing minister. The guy who raised you was a cold-hearted jerk. I'm trying to figure out why you're so convinced Adams has parentally inflicted damage.

House: You're trying to deflect.

Wilson: Now you are. You have to believe that every parent screws up every child or you were screwed out of a decent childhood.

House: My decent daddy of the cloth was also being indecent with my married mom. He probably would have taken other kids to the playground.

[House takes one more bite out of the sandwich, then tosses it back on Wilson’s tray, missing the plate]

House: It's not my fault. Bad parenting. (House slides out of the booth and leaves)

[Cut to Park and Taub standing in front of a door in an urban area. The apartment appears to be above a liquor store. Park pushes the buzzer and a man answers the door]

Park: Mitchell Gordon?

Mitchell: I've already got a religion. Go away.

Taub: We're doctors. Your son Ben is in the hospital, at Princeton-Plainsboro. He's very sick.

Mitchell: Yeah, well, I don't have a son. Not anymore.

Park: We know there are some issues there, but your bone marrow could cure him.

Taub: There's a hospital two miles from here. It's a simple test.

Mitchell: You said he was at Princeton-Plainsboro?

Taub: His mother feels it's better to do the test at a different hospital.

Mitchell: Well, I guess I don't have a son anymore.

[He closes the door and Taub again presses the buzzer button]

[Cut to Chase and Adams working in the lab]

Chase: House isn't gonna give up. Just tell him about your parents or make up a lie.

Adams: I don't want to lie. I don't want to validate his ridiculous theory.

Chase: It's not ridiculous. Even the best-intentioned parents end up damaging their kids.

Adams: You're a smart, successful doctor. How much damage could you have?

Chase: You know how I got interested in medicine? When my mother drank, she couldn't handle me, so she locked me in my father's study. Only so many hours you can cry and bang on the door before you give up, find something to read. We all have family dysfunction. That's why we're successful. To fill that hole.

Adams: My parents have a lot of money, but they didn't make it legally.

Chase: White-collar crime?

Adams: It started with card games. High-stakes poker. Then my dad got into narcotics, at first just selling but then, using too, or he never would have gotten into the sl*ve trade. Children mostly. Easier to pack in small crates. Plus the shipping's a lot cheaper.

[Adams reaches quickly over the counter and snatches up Chase’s cell phone. House’s image is revealed on the screen. He has been eavesdropping]

House: (from the phone) Won't even trust a co-worker. What did your parents do to you?

[Adams turns off the phone and puts it back down in front of Chase, who looks rather contrite]

[Cut to Taub and Park talking to Janey and Ron outside Ben’s hospital room]

Taub: (to Janey) You have to go see him yourself. He wouldn't even come to the door a second time.

Janey: Okay. I'll drive over there.

[An alarm starts beeping in Ben’s room. Taub and Park rush in. Ben is sitting up in bed. His breathing is labored and gurgly. Taub grabs a stethoscope and listens to Ben’s lungs, then taps his back]

Taub: It's a pleural effusion.

Park: He had a bleeding problem earlier. Must be bleeding into his lungs.

[Park takes something out of a cabinet drawer. She puts on gloves and inserts a needle into Ben’s lungs. A plastic tube is connected to the needle. She holds a gauze pad under the end of the tube, expecting blood, but the fluid is yellow instead]

Park: Except there's no blood.

Janey: What does it mean?

Park: It means you don't have to make that drive. The problem isn't his marrow. It's his liver.

[Cut to the diagnostics outer office. The team is assembled around the table. House is sitting on the couch, the leg with the ankle bracelet is propped up on a small table. Kneeling on the floor next to House’s propped up leg, is a man who has inserted a metal rod between House’s leg and the ankle bracelet, and appears to be trying to remove the ankle bracelet]

House: Liver failure. Explains everything. The question is, what explains the liver failure?

Adams: It's not an infection. We tried antibiotics, but he's not responding.

House: More curiously, what explains the mom lying about dad pushing up squirting daisies?

Park: (referring to the removal of the ankle bracelet) This is how you plan to get to the boxing game?

[House looks at Adams]

Chase: Why are you looking at her?

House: 'Cause I'm stunned, and I have to look at something. Match, bout, fight, contest, day, Helena. Almost anything works after "boxing," except the word "game."

Adams: Your bigger problem is the people who design those things aren't idiots.

Workman on the floor: Huh huh.

House: Can you believe she used to work in the can? Nothing is tamper-proof.

Taub: It's a synthetic problem. His liver's not synthesizing proteins, so fluid is leaking out of his blood vessels. And mom's a selfish jerk. She traded up, married a lawyer, wants to forget the lowly circus clown.

House: You're defending the father because you feel like a jerk for baking buns in two different ovens. You want to believe the mythical biological connection excuses being a man slut. Ow! (to the workman) I don't know why I'm starting to doubt your expertise. You do have a classified ad and a piece of metal.

Workman: It's temperature that sets it off, not force. The rivets go pop, I slide in the heating pad. Easy peasy.

Chase: More likely the patient has a hyperammonemic problem. His liver's not cleaning out his blood. The buildup of toxins is causing everything.

Taub: I'm defending the dad because he got screwed. After he lost his son, he lost his job. Been in and out of rehab, gave up clowning. Yes, as a parent, I empathize. I say we tell the kid.

Park: He's a minor, the mom's his guardian, and it's not even medically relevant.

Taub: She robbed them of 12 years together.

House: Or she ripped off the band-aid too late. That memory that she let son of Bozo establish is making him chase his father's moronic profession when he could be living the high life in Portland. And I mean that metaphorically, of course.

[The ankle bracelet starts beeping]

House: (to the workman) This is where you dazzle me with your contingency plan.

[The workman quickly gathers up all of his tools and runs out of the room]

House: I see why employers are reluctant to hire ex-cons.

[House pulls the rod out and puts it on the table. He gets up and, grabbing his cane, heads toward the office doorway]

Adams: Well, what about the patient? Is the problem hyperammonemic or synthetic?

Chase: Can't treat for both. One requires hemodialysis, the other a liver transplant, and we couldn't even get the kid a marrow match.

House: Get the mom's consent to pump him full of protein. If it's a synthetic problem, more fluid will leak into his chest and his heart will fail. If it's hyperammonemic, toxins will overwhelm his body and he'll go into a coma.

Park: Do you only like tests that involve the risk of death?

House: There are some slower, less conclusive tests, but why take that risk? (He hurries out of the office and down the hall)

[Cut to Foreman and two uniformed men following a radio receiver signal down a hall of the hospital. The signal gets stronger as they approach a door]

Man holding receiver: In here.

[They open the door to reveal House sitting on the side of a therapeutic whirlpool bath reading a magazine. He has his pantlegs rolled up above his knees and both legs in the water. He looks up as they enter]

House: (acting surprised) Oh, my God. The water. This is completely my fault. (Foreman looks extremely angry)

[Cut to Taub talking to Janey about the procedure as she prepares to sign the consent form]

Taub: There are very serious risks, but if we don't figure out what he has, we can't treat him at all.

[Janey signs the form and hands the clipboard to Taub]

Taub: I may be a little out of bounds here, but in case there are complications, it might be a good time to come clean to your son, let his father visit.

Janey: A little out of bounds?

Taub: I don't know the history, but everyone makes mistakes. Your son worships him.

Ron: Doctor's right about that.

Janey: Oh, yeah? And when did he learn that? When he encouraged Ben to drop out of school? (to Taub) Mitchell is not Ben's father any more than a sperm donor would have been.

[Cut to House sitting in the Eames chair in his office. His right leg is propped on the ottoman and he is examining the ankle bracelet. Monroe’s wife walks in]

Monroe’s Wife: Dr. House?

House: Unless you're a locksmith or an electrician with political contacts. I'm busy.

Monroe’s Wife: My husband saw you in the clinic. Wants treatment for diabetes.

House: My condolences on your forthcoming divorce.

Monroe’s Wife: He keeps imagining symptoms, and now I have to make him these awful anti-diabetic meals. (She digs a couple of syringes out of her purse)

House: Since I have no intention of testing him, treating him, or cooking for him… (He looks up from his leg and sees the syringes)

Monroe’s Wife: Could you write me a fake prescription for Insulin?

House: The advantage of fake prescriptions is, you don't have to be a real doctor to write one.

Monroe’s Wife: Just tell me what's safe to inject in his thigh. His symptoms will go away and then I can show him he was never sick. Water?

House: Imaginary medicine is not my specialty. I do have an imaginary colleague who's just sent me an imaginary page. (He picks up his cane and gets up from the chair) Imagine how sorry I am. (House leaves the office)

[Cut to Adams handing Ben a cup full of liquid. Ben takes the cup and sighs]

Chase: Still mad about what happened in the lab?

Adams: I'm not mad. I'm being professional.

Chase: You claim you're not screwed up. You may even believe it. But House doesn't and I don't, so you can wait till he camps out on your parents' lawn or you can admit you don't live on some higher plane and thank me later.

Ben: My, uh, my eye feels weird. What's happening to me?

[Chase and Adams turn to Ben. His left eye is round and popped out from the eye socket]

[Cut to Taub’s apartment. There is a knock on the door. Taub opens the door to Ruby, who has come to pick up baby Sophie]

Taub: You look tired.

Ruby: I hate it when people say that. I know, I look bad.

Taub: I thought you were gonna go to bed early last night.

Ruby: Like an idiot, I went out with my girlfriends to pretend I have a life, (taking the baby out of her playpen) when all I did was flirt with guys who'd have no interest in a mom, miss the baby I couldn't wait to get rid of, and then get yelled at by my mom for staying out too late.

Taub: You need your own place.

Ruby: Yes. I moved back home because it was too drafty at the Four Seasons.

Taub: So go back to work at the hospital.

Ruby: Day care costs more than what I earned as a nurse.

Taub: Have you considered sub-standard day care? Why don't you stay here tonight? (Ruby gives him a look) No. I mean, in the guest room. I'll watch the baby again, and you can get a real night's sleep.

Ruby: You'd do that?

[Taub’s pager goes off. He looks at it briefly then puts it down on the counter]

Taub: Win-win. Mommy gets a rest, (He takes the baby from Ruby) Daddy gets more time with his little angel. There’re some sweats in the closet in the back.

[Ruby smiles and heads toward the guest room. Taub holds Sophie up as he talks to her]

Taub: Lucky girl. Gets another sleepover with da-da. It makes a difference. Doesn't it?

[Cut to House twirling the metal rod the workman left behind. He is sitting in the outer office with his bad leg propped up on the table. The team enters, Taub in the lead]

House: (to Taub) Didn't answer your page last night.

Taub: Sorry. Battery died.

[Taub, Chase, Park and Adams all sit down around the table]

Chase: We got the patient's eye back in place with steroid injections, but a bulging eyeball means it's not a liver problem.

House: And mom's determination to keep dad away, even as her kid gets sicker and sicker, means she's got more to hide.

[House takes his leg off the table and leans forward]

Taub: It's not diagnostically relevant. Let's let it drop.

House: You just lost my vote. You flip-flopped on parental rights.

Taub: I've been trying to persuade the mother, but it's her son, so it's her call.

House: Well, that very evolved of you. Don't usually see Darwinian changes over breakfast. You made nice-nice with Phil. You decided that he'd make a decent father for thing 2 after all.

Taub: I had Sophie again last night and Ruby slept in my guest room, which has nothing to do with Phil, who will never be a father to my children.

Adams: Angioneurotic edema can cause rapid swelling.

House: Hey, we're having a conversation here. No abdominal pain. (to Taub) So that must have been nice, having Ruby and the baby under one roof.

Taub: Yes, it was nice having my daughter in my home. That's why I would like her sister to live near my home.

Park: Anasarca?

Chase: Swelling would have followed gravity.

House: Isn't that getting this whole parenting thing ass backwards? Aren't you supposed to figure out what you can sacrifice to maximize their niceness?

Taub: And do you think I should sacrifice myself from their lives?

House: Just one life, until the other one's mommy meets someone nicer than you.

Park: Swelling that fast and localized has to come from the lymph nodes. Burkitt's lymphoma.

[The camera pans in for a close-up as House has a medical revelation]

House: (to himself) Swelling. Cankles.

Taub: That's not a symptom of Burkitt's. Are you saying it's…

House: It's Burkitt's. Prep him for chemo.

[House starts to leave, the metal rod still in his hand. He comes back, puts the rod on the table beside the cane, then picks up the cane and goes out the door]

[Cut to Wilson entering Foreman’s office]

Wilson: I think you should give House permission to go to Atlantic City. We'll stop by the rheumatology conference. Everyone's covered.

Foreman: No.

Wilson: The guy has earned the right to go to one boxing match. He's done everything you've asked… Funded and staffed his own department. Hasn't even broken as much as a traffic law.

Foreman: You're right.

Wilson: So, you'll let him go?

Foreman: No. I get why he wants to go to that fight. I'd love to go myself, which is kind of why I have to stop him. My job is to be the jerk. House has to believe that I have authority over him.

Wilson: He can't function under someone's thumb.

Foreman: I know, which means you can't go either. (Wilson sits down across from Foreman) Your job is to be his friend, to stay here and sit with him and watch the fight on pay-per-view while bitching about me. If we both do our jobs, we might actually get him through his parole.

Wilson: (pausing to consider Foreman’s statement) You're right.

[Wilson pulls the ticket out of his breast pocket and looks at it]

[Cut to Taub, Rachel and Phil talking in front of the Pathology department]

Rachel: Sorry to show up like this.

Taub: I was expecting a battery of lawyers.

Rachel: No lawyers. Phil had something that he would like to say, so I thought that he should say it in person.

Phil: It was wrong of me to confront you about taking Rachel to Portland.

Taub: (to Rachel) You don't want to move to Portland?

Rachel: Of course I do, but this is about your daughter too and I'm not gonna do something like this without your support.

Taub: So you guys are trying to manipulate me by playing good cop/good cop?

Rachel: Is that how little you think of me? It's clear you're back working for House. I will see you this weekend when you pick up Sophie.

Taub: Sophia.

Rachel: We actually started calling her Sophie.

Phil: Yeah.

Taub: Great. It's cute.

[Cut to House in a clinic exam room pushing up Monroe’s pant leg and pulling down the sock]

House: Cankles.

[He turns to get something out of a cabinet]

Monroe’s Wife: Is there some problem with the prescription you gave me?

Monroe: I'm faint. I've been gaining more weight. I think I need a bigger dose.

House: If you double his placebo, he might drown. (Monroe looks at his wife) Also, you forgot to mention that your heart rate is slow.

[House puts the sensor of a heart rate monitor on the patient’s index finger]

Monroe: My… my heart rate is not… (House holds the monitor up for the patient to see) 52?

House: The technical term is slow. Those awful anti-diabetic meals you eat, do they contain bok choy?

Monroe’s Wife: A pound of it. Every day.

[House has taken the sensor off and returns the heart rate monitor to the cabinet]

House: Bok choy has glucosinolates, which inhibit thyroid function and account for all your symptoms.

Monroe: So this isn't diabetes?

House: You have a bad case of irony. The food that you're eating to stop making you sick is making you sick.

Monroe: Hey, maybe I don't have my father's crummy genes after all.

House: On the other hand, maybe you're fat enough to get diabetes even without ‘em. (House leaves the exam room)

[Cut to Taub and Park talking to Ben. Ben has a patch on his eye, but he looks a little better and is sitting up in a chair]

Ben: I can't believe I have cancer.

Park: We caught it early. You should be okay.

Ben: I could die. I never went anywhere, did anything. If my father had lived, everything would have been different.

Taub: Your mom and stepdad love you. They've given you a great home. That counts for a lot.

[Ben takes a breath then the alarms go off]

Park: He's crashing. Everything's shutting down.

[Taub puts an oxygen mask on Ben]

[Cut to a short time after the incident. Ben is now unconscious and in a hospital bed, hooked up to numerous pieces of machinery. Janey and Ron stand by his bedside. House and the team stand just outside Ben’s room discussing the situation]

Chase: Renal failure, lung failure, heart failure, all before we started chemo.

Taub: Burkitt's lymphoma is fast-moving, but not this fast.

House: No rush. ICU stands for take your time, in Latin.

Park: Multiple aneurysms?

House: That would mean that every symptom after his T.I.A. was a coincidence.

Adams: Cholesterol emboli?

House: Bingo. Fits perfectly. Check the file, confirm that we did major abdominal surgery on him and then completely forgot about it.

Taub: House.

[House looks back to see a strange man entering Ben’s room. The man speaks to Janey]

Mitchell: Hello?

Janey: (approaching the man, whom she seems to know) What the hell are you doing here?

Mitchell: I was told that this might be my last chance to see my son.

Janey: (to Taub) You had no right! This is none of your business!

Taub: I didn't.

Ron: I called him. (Janey looks unbelievingly at Ron) This man's Ben's hero. Let them spend five minutes together.

Janey: (angrily) No! (shoving Mitchell out of the room) Get out of here!

[Mitchell turns and walks down the hallway]

House: (to Mitchell) Wait. (approaching him) You sexually molested your son. Your walk, tabes dorsalis. You have late-stage syphilis, which you gave to our patient, presumably 12 years ago, which also explains why mom is not big on family reunions.

Mitchell: I shouldn't be here. (He turns and walks away)

[Janey rushes to her son’s bedside as House and the team enter the room]

Taub: We tested him for syphilis. He was negative.

House: After 12 years, the active infection would have died down. Everywhere except the arteries in his brain, where it could hide out from our tests. (As House talks there is flashback of the boy hitting Ben in the testicles, then a computer generated graphic of the series of events as House describes them) But when that six-year-old heckler punched him in his juggling pins, it kicked up the dormant bacteria in his pelvis. The immunosuppressant’s we gave him sent it into overdrive. The antibiotics we gave him actually started destroying the syphilis. But like pouring water on a f*re, that led to a trail of toxic smoke and ash, which made his immune system overcompensate. Severe Jarisch-Herxheimer reaction.

Ron: (to Janey) Is this true?

House: Yes, Jarisch-Herxheimer is real. It sounds silly, but… Oh, you mean the… the… right.

Janey: (looking back at Ron) I found stains on his clothes. He didn't understand and he didn't seem traumatized. I kept trying to talk to him, but before long, he'd forgotten, and he seemed… and he seemed happy and he seemed normal.

House: So you made daddy go away and you made sure junior had no reason to go looking.

Janey: I was just trying to protect him, like I should have done from the start. (to Ben) Sorry. (She turns to Ron who takes her in his arms)

House: IV penicillin and anti-TNF antibodies, he'll be fine. Apart from the whole daddy-r*pe thing.

[House leaves the room, Adams and then Taub following right behind]

Adams: We're not done.

House: No, we are not. Notify the dad's sexual partners. Notify his employer, his landlord. Notify the police.

Adams: I meant the kid. We're not gonna tell him he was molested?

House: To make him miserable or to forfeit your license?

Adams: To tell him the truth. He's a virgin. How do we explain the STD? It's a medical diagnosis. Screw the parents. The kid's our patient.

House: I guess Taub's got a tough choice to make when the kid wakes up.

Taub: Why is it my choice?

House: 'Cause you're a dad. How could the rest of us possibly understand?

[Cut to Ben’s room. He is now awake, and the machines have been removed. His mom and stepdad are with him. Taub is hanging a new IV bag]

Ben: What was… what was wrong with me?

Taub: It's called syphilis.

Ben: Uh, you… you can get that without having sex? (Taub looks up at Ron and Janey)

[Cut to House’s office later that evening. House is sitting at his desk when Taub walks in]

Taub: I didn't tell him.

House: (taking off his reading glasses) Your heart said he needed to know. Your brain knew he's better off without it. Following your heart is easy. Following your brain is tough. Especially after years of following that much smaller third organ. That's why all parents screw up all children.

[Cut to Adams standing in the elevator. House gets in just as the doors are about to close]

House: Evening.

[The elevator doors close]

Adams: Clever tactic, pretending you're not interested anymore.

House: How could that possibly work as a tactic? The fact is, once I saw those incompletes, I knew your parents screwed you up. The details are just gravy.

Adams: You're wrong. The only evidence you have is proof of something else. I ran away from home.

House: Because you had lousy parents.

Adams: Because I didn't. All my friends' parents were divorced or having affairs or barely knew their kids' birthdays.

House: You envied their dysfunction.

Adams: I-I thought it made them deeper somehow.

[The elevator stops. House and Adams get off and walk toward the exit]

Adams: It was stupid. I hitchhiked to Manhattan, moved in with an older guy. In two months, I came running home. It took my parents years to get over it.

House: That's when you started to excel. You were making it up to them. Your parents screwed you up by not screwing you up.

[They stop in front of the main desk]

Adams: How does briefly wishing I was screwed up make me screwed up?

House: It's normal to be screwed up. It's really screwed up to romanticize it. I guess that's why you wanted to work with prisoners.

Adams: It's why I wanted to work with you.

House: It was a tactic. (he walks away)

[Cut to Taub standing outside the door of Phil and Rachel’s apartment. He knocks. Phil opens the door. Rachel, holding Sophia, is in the hall behind him. She turns and sees Taub]

Rachel: Chris.

Taub: Yeah. I need to talk to you and Phil.

Rachel: (moving into the doorway) Is everything okay?

Taub: Yeah. (stroking his daughter’s head) I can't let you move.

Rachel: You drove all the way out here just to tell us what you already told us.

Taub: I'm sorry. (He turns and walks down the hallway, leaving Rachel standing in the open doorway)

[Cut to House’s apartment. There are two lamps on, but the rest of the apartment is dark. There is a knock on the door]

Wilson: House, open up. I don't want to miss the opening bell.

[When House doesn’t answer, Wilson opens the door with his key and enters]

Wilson: House?

[He puts the pizza and beer he is carrying down on the coffee table and takes off his coat. He turns on the TV, then picks up the beer and heads toward the kitchen. He pauses as something he sees on the TV grabs his attention]

Television Announcer: Telecast, we expect an electric atmosphere in the arena and a sellout crowd of about 10,000, for Rubio versus Santos, two great fighters with illustrious careers who might have been expected to meet a long time ago.

[Taking their seats just behind the announcer are House and Foreman. An astonished Wilson puts down the beer and sits down on the couch]

Television Announcer: As for Santos, his handlers tell us that he's done more roadwork than at any time in his career, hoping to prove tonight that he can box for 12 full rounds.

[On the television House and Foreman are seen toasting each other with plastic cups of beer. Wilson smiles, but doesn’t really seem that surprised]

Television Announcer: Significant because Santos hasn't heard the final bell in more than six years.

[Wilson opens the pizza box, takes out a slice, puts his feet up on the coffee table, and settles in to watch the fight alone]

Television Announcer: He comes in with straight knockout wins and we saw how a power puncher with a left hook was able to cut Rubio over the right eye in the tenth round of that last fight.

THE END
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x06 - Parents"}