Season 4 - Episode 01/02

"Fun Run"

[ 04x01/02 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: Did you ever think of this? Would a sober person walk in front of a car?

Andy: Ay-o!

Jim: I'm sorry, are you saying that Meredith was drunk at 9 AM?

Michael: Well...

Phyllis: That's despicable.

Pam: Michael.

Someone: That's not cool.

Oscar: There's no proof of that.

Michael: That's not...

Kevin: That seems early, even for her.

Michael: That's not what...no, no, I'm not saying that, that's disgusting.

Meredith: Drunk? No! You can't get drunk off Kahlua. It's just a kind of coffee.

Andy: Then... what are you saying?

Michael: I am saying... that... maybe I was drunk. Did you ever think of that?

Jim: Definitely not.

Kevin: That'd be DUI.

Phyllis: That's...

Michael: Okay.

Michael: Maybe she h*t me. You ever think of that? She h*t me? I don't know whose fault it was. I wasn't exactly looking at the road.

Pam: Hey, Toby. [walks past him to Kelly's cubicle]

Toby: Hey.

Pam: Kelly, we're going to visit Meredith at lunch. [Kelly's lying down on floor, head unseen under desk. She rolls to her side, away from Pam] Kelly?

Toby: Well, Kelly's been so upset about Ryan dumping her, that she can't even talk. [grins]

Kelly: [from under desk] I don't want to talk to anybody about Ryan! Please, go away!

[ 04x01/02 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Angela: They don't have this kind of technology at the vet's. It's not far.

Oscar: It's fair.

Michael: You know what, why don't go around the room and say one memory of Meredith. I'll start. I liked her jumpers. They reminded me of Kindergarten. Jim?

Kevin: I'll always remember Meredith's back. That's all I can see from my desk. All that red hair, over a nice strong back. Sometimes I pretend it's Carrot Top, and he's going to turn around and tell a joke.

Andy: So, how's the view old girl? [looking out windows] Oh! There's a cemetery. You think that's affiliated with the hospital, or is it a like a separate feature...

Michael: Hey! Okay, okay, okay, You can just close that.

Angela: Bye, Meredith. Here you go. We got you some balloons.

Meredith: See you guys. [chorus of goodbyes, all but Michael file out as he's talking, Creed takes Meredith's pills]

Michael: Let's just... Why can't you just forgive... Why, why are you having such a hard time laughing this off? How do you know that you weren't born with some sort of abnormal pelvis that it was just bound to crack at some point?

Meredith: Oh please, Michael.

Michael: I'm not going to leave until you forgive me.

Meredith: You're gonna be here a long time.

Michael: [standing for a while, sighs, turns to walk out] Oh, okay.

Meredith: Nurse! I just need some water. And my pills. Thank you.

Nurse: There you go.

Meredith: There's nothing in here.

[ 04x01/02 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Michael: This office is cursed. [sighs] And we need to do something about it.

Jim: Conference room?

Michael: Maybe the conference room, maybe the annex. I'm just saying, at least right here [indicates floor in front of his office] is cursed. Conference room, 10 minutes.

Michael: On the one hand, it's a relief to know that it's not just me, the whole office is cursed. On the other hand, I may have to deal with the dark unknown.

Dwight: Question: Has anyone recently offended a Gypsy?

Michael: We have to have done something wrong.

Stanley: You ran over an employee.

Michael: That was the curse, Stanley, and we are trying to find the cause of the curse.

Dwight: Mmm. [nods]

Michael: Oscar, are you Santaria?

Oscar: I was raised Catholic, but I'm agnostic now, so I guess I'm a secular humanist.

Michael: Oh. Great. We have a secular humanist here, that is disgusting.

Oscar: Michael, do you know what secular humanism is?

Michael: Yes. It is a philosophy which says people can improve their lives by using reason instead of religion or superstition.

Oscar: Oh.

Michael: Stupid.

[ 04x01/02 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Dwight: My cousin Mose's best friend was a dog. One day, he was foaming at the mouth, so I had to sh**t him d*ad. Turns out, he had only eaten one of Mose's cream pies. Did I feel bad for k*lling him? No. That's how you deal with a thief.

Michael: Yeah, the, uh, the charity's having some financial problems. What do I look like to you, Paul Newman? That's actually not a good example, because I have been compared to a young Paul Newman, my eyes and my face. And I make my own salad dressing. I mix Newman's Ranch with Newman's Italian. Sell it at flea markets for a slight loss. I could make... I could make a profit if I changed one of the ingredients to Wishbone [shakes head] but I won't do it.

Michael: Whoa, 'scuse me! Oh!

Bob Vance: Let... let's pick it up, Phyllis!

Michael: Oh, slow! Oh, ho, ho, ho. [laughing as he passes Phyllis and Bob] You guys are going so slow...

Phyllis: Go get him Bobby!

Michael: Come on, I'm going backwards.

Phyllis: Sic him!

Michael: Oh, all right! All right! All right! All right!

Phyllis: Sic him!

Michael: Okay! [Bob Vance and Michael in an all-out sprint, Michael grunting]

[ 04x01/02 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Pediatrician: You're gonna be just fine, Michael! You're gonna have a good life.

Michael: Thanks.

Pediatrician: Lots of people suffer dehydration; they all recover just fine.

Pediatrician: I'm Michael's pediatrician. Dehydration's pretty simple. He could also have been treated by a Boy Scout leader, a coach, or a, a... a water bottle.

Michael: Well, apparently, my insurance will not be covering this hospital stay. I will be paying out-of-pocket. Um... I kinda wish I'd been h*t by a car.

Michael: Hey, doc? You forgetting something? [pediatrician takes a lollypop from his pocket and gives it to Michael] Thank you.

Season 4 - Episode 03/04

"Dunder Mifflin Infinity"

[ 04x03/04 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: Yes. My old friend Ryan Howard is coming back today for some big presentation. Very, very excited. He is my protege. He is someone that I hand-raised, that I nurtured. Um... he is like a prime cut of veal whom I nourished with my milk. And now he is also my boss. So, win/win.

Oscar: [pointing] Um... [camera reveals that "RYAN" is crossed out on the "Welcome Back RYAN banner"; "A**HOLE" is now written in. Kelly is sitting next to the banner]

Michael: Oh, Okay. Okay. Just...[Michael takes down banner, clears throat] Well, our old friend Ryan Howard is back, and we're going to give a little presentation about the future of our company. So please listen up. [awkward pause] All right.

Ryan: [to Michael] Have a seat with everybody else.

Michael: You don't want me to help?

Ryan: You don't know what I'm going to talk about. [Michael heads toward chairs] Actually, can you do me a favor?

Michael: Yes?

Ryan: Can you get me a cold water?

Pam: I got it.

Ryan: That's all right, Pam. Michael's got it. [Michael and Ryan look at each other for 5 seconds]

Michael: [laughs] Um... yes, I'll be right back!

Ryan: Thank you.

Jim: That was slightly harsh, don't you think?

Ryan: I spent three years, driving around, getting him yams and magic wands. He can get me water.

Michael: I think I know what's going on. Ryan believes that there is some sort of special 'boss water' that he gets to drink now. And there isn't. But, um... don't tell him. Don't tell him that. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship.

Michael: Ryan is causing some problems. And you were always good at handling him. What should I do to control him?

Kelly: Well, he's super-ticklish, I don't know if that helps.

Michael: I know, I know, no, what... something else.

Kelly: Oh, he's also super-insecure about his height.

Michael: Uh-huh.

Kelly: And he doesn't care about anybody but himself.

Michael: Good.

Kelly: And don't have sex with him, 'cause if you do, the next two years of your life will be a total waste of time.

[ 04x03/04 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Michael: My generation's all about hard work and accomplishment. Like... the moon landing. Or Vietnam. Rolling Stones. Greatest band ever.

Oscar: You're forty-three. Mick Jagger's like sixty-five.

Michael: And still rockin', Oscar. One of the greatest all-time oldies was a little Oriental guy named Confucius. He literally invented the ancient Chinese secret. Here's some of his quotes. Confucius say, "Man who farts in church must sit in his own pew." Confucius say, "Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day." Confucius also say, "Virgin like balloon. One prick, all gone!"

Oscar: Did you Google Confucius and just print out the first thing you saw?

Michael: No, I skipped through all of the boring stuff and went right to his joke page. Which proves that he was old, but he was also hilarious.

[ 04x03/04 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Jan: [sighs, whistles] Michael, please would you not email while we're having lunch?

Michael: I'm not. It's solitaire. See?

Michael: BlackBerry. Why would anyone name something like this after a fruit? You wouldn't name an iPod after a fruit. [drops BlackBerry on desk] Excuse me while I type on my Banana. I'm gonna go to the Orange store and buy an Apricot computer. [thinks] Apple. [nods]

Michael: This is going on the outside. The pipe cleaner needs to go through the corner. Do not tape those on.

Pam: Hey, Michael.

Michael: Mmhmm.

Pam: Jan called and asked where you're going to meet for dinner. She wants you to call her.

Michael: I'm a little busy right now. Could you BlackBerry me a message?

Pam: Sure.

Pam: Michael doesn't know how to work his BlackBerry. So when he says BlackBerry me a message, he means write it on a Post-it note and stick it to his BlackBerry.

Ryan: Okay, everyone, I have a conference call, but after that, I'm going to lead a BlackBerry tutorial for anyone who's having any problems. Who here's set theirs up? [Jim and Andy raise their hands; Phyllis half-raises hers. Ryan notices that Michael does not raise his] Great. Well, I will see the rest of you at 2:30.

Jim: You didn't set up your BlackBerry, Dwight?

Dwight: Yes, I did, but I do not intend to use it. It is pointless technology.

Jim: As opposed to...

Dwight: Printing press. Tractor. Mechanical thresher. Telephone. Airplane. The only inventions that matter.

Jim: What about cars?

Dwight: They fall under the category of airplanes.

Jim: They do? So, cars are flightless airplanes.

Dwight: Correct.

Jim: Got it. They're like the penguins of the airplane family.

Dwight: That's an excellent analogy.

Jim: Thanks.

Pam: Hey, Dwight, what about vaccines?

Dwight: [scoffs] Vaccines are for chumps!

Dwight: My mom didn't believe in vaccines. I got my smallpox the old-fashioned way. And I survived. So... joke's on you hospitals.

[ 04x03/04 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Michael: [Creed is using the toaster as a mirror, and touching up his hair with a Sharpie and a comb] The one advantage to being older is that I know a few things about a few things, and I am young enough to not forget them. And old enough to know the difference between the two. I am old enough to take advantage of age discrimination laws, but young enough to date college girls. But old enough to know better. I'm at a perfect age. I could die now. But I won't, because I am young.

Creed: Sup? [rolls into kitchen on a skateboard]

Kevin: Hi, Creed, what's up?

Creed: Just boardin', you know how we do. [flips skateboard up]

Oscar: I... like your hair. I don't know if I told you.

Creed: Oh, thanks ese. So, what are you guys doing?

Kevin: What do you mean?

Creed: To look younger, so the kid doesn't replace you with machines.

Oscar: I think I'll just take my chances.

Creed: Suit yourself. But, if it were me, Botox [points at Oscar], wig [points at Kevin].

Kevin: Wha...

Season 4 - Episode 05/06

"Launch Party"

[ 04x05/06 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Dwight: [Dwight come into office unshaven] What?

Jim: Well it's just that you had no hair on Friday.

Dwight: It's called being a man. You should try it sometime.

Jim: How long have you been a man?

Dwight: I was born a man, Halpert.

Jim: That must have been extremely uncomfortable for your mom.

Dwight: I stopped shaving because my girlfriend broke up with me. Am I in pain? Hell, yeah. But I'll tell you something, I thrive in pain. I love pain. To me, pain is not pain at all. No. It is pure pleasure. And I hate pleasure. Almost as much as I love pain. So, yeah, I'm in pain.

Andy: [to Dwight] What do you think of Angela? There's just something about her. All that strength and steeliness and righteousness all wrapped up tight and shoved into a tiny little delicate frame.

Andy: No. I will not be playing it "cool" [makes air quotes] with Angela. Let me tell you a little story. When I was seventeen, I was waitlisted at my number one school. Even though I was a legacy, and I had like a thousand extra-curriculars, mostly drama, madrigals, barbershop club, I was waitlisted. Did I wait, on that list? No, I did not. I busted into the admissions office and I [singing] sang them all the reasons they should admit me to the school [end singing]. And guess what? I. Got. In. And here's the kicker. That school? Cornell.

[ 04x05/06 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Michael: What's wrong with me?

Pam: Excuse me?

Michael: I want you to look at me and tell me what is wrong with me. [Pam stares and nods] Don't avoid this. I know you're dying to say it, so just say it.

Pam: Sometimes your laziness borders on incompetence.

Michael: What, no. No. Okay, bags. I have bags under my eyes, Pam. I didn't see it at home, I didn't see it in the bathroom, I didn't see it on any of the city mirrors, but in this light...

Pam: [interrupting] The city mirrors, or the...?

Michael: The big, free mirrors that the city puts up, on trees and telephone poles? The big round things.

Pam: The ones for drivers to check their blind spots?

Michael: Yes. I have bags under my eyes, and I can't go to New York like this! What do I do? What do I do?

Pam: Put cold tea bags on your eyes.

Michael: Really?

Pam: Yeah.

Michael: That's it?

Pam: Mmhmm.

Michael: All right! Martha Stewart! You can be Martha Stewart's receptionist! Very good! I will be tea baggin' it. Nn... no.

Michael: [tea bags on eyes] Do I feel badly, that nobody out there was invited to a party that I was invited to? Not at all. Because they have to know that if they work hard and apply themselves, someday, they could be invited to a party like this. Of course, at that point, I will be going to much better parties that they will not be able to get into. What are you gonna do?

Kevin: I'm a little mad, that I don't get to go to the party in New York. But that's mostly just because we get reimbursed for gas mileage.

Oscar: I was going to be in New York tonight, to go to the Met, but I had to cancel. Because Angela's party is mandatory.

Creed: I go to New York all the time, to visit my buddy Frank. He's a mole person.

[ 04x05/06 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Meredith: Angela, what kind of music?

Angela: Uh... something cool that Ryan doesn't know about yet.

Meredith: How am I supposed to know what that is?

Angela: I don't know, but standing here's not going to give you the answer. Go.

Angela: Tonight my party will be broadcast out to five other states. Which means, it will be compared to Denise Stimm's party in Buffalo. Any idiot can defrost a microwavable hors d'oeuvres platter. And Denise proves that with every party she throws. Oh, and Denise? Stop telling people your hair's naturally curly. We all know you get perms.

[ 04x05/06 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Kevin: Kidnapping is the asportation of a person against the person's will, so Michael asported him. [giggles] Have you ever been aspor...

Oscar: Don't.

Dwight: Hey. The way I see it, it's getting late, and the only thing standing between you and a warm bed is my friend's pizza discount. So whattaya say? [pizza guy stares] Oh, so that's how it's gonna be. Well, I can stay here all night if I have to. I've done it before.

Pizza guy: I'm not scared of you.

Kevin: In every good hostage movie, during the part where it gets really tense, and you don't know whether the bad guys are going to let the hostages go free, the cops order pizza.

[ 04x05/06 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Toby: The lady cop acted like she'd never pulled someone over for driving too slow. And I tried to get out of it with the famous Toby Flenderson 10,000 watt smile. [smiles] It didn't work.

Toby: Damn it.

Kelly: Is that traffic school?

Toby: Yeah.

Kelly: Because we're not supposed to be doing personal stuff at work.

Toby: Yeah.

Kelly: Because yesterday when I was taking an online quiz about trying to find my ideal weight for my frame, you said that was inappropriate.

Toby: I remember.

Kelly: Just reiterating what you said to me.

Toby: Thanks Kelly.

Oscar: You know the octagon sign means stop.

Toby: Colorblind.

Oscar: An octagon is a shape. You can see shapes, can't you?

Toby: It's out of context. It's not the same as driving.

Season 4 - Episode 07/08

"Money"

[ 04x07/08 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: I used to get offers in the mail for credit cards all the time. They would say things like "don't pay for six months" or "you can transfer your account from another card"...

Dwight: No, [mumbling] I don't know.

Michael: Do you think I'll get any new ones? I could... [pause, eventually looks up at Dwight]

Dwight: What?

Michael: What do you mean, "what"?

Dwight: What... [mumbling]

Michael: Were you listening to what I was saying?

Dwight: I was aware that you were speaking.

Michael: What is the matter with you?

Dwight: What is the matter with... me?

Michael: Yeah.

Dwight: I'm... discombobulated.

Michael: Yeah.

Dwight: I need help.

Michael: All right, well, go find some. Get outa here, please. [Dwight sighs and leaves]

Oscar: Okay, you need to focus, Michael. You need to stop spending money.

Michael: Yeah. What?

Oscar: I hate to ask you this, but are there any retirement funds you can borrow from?

Michael: Um, my CDs.

Oscar: You have CDs?

Michael: I do.

Oscar: Okay, good, okay. What bank?

Michael: My CDs are in a portfolio, a rather large portfolio, um, called Case Logic

Oscar: [whispers] Case Logic.

Michael: And, um the Case Logic portfolio is currently in the back seat of my car. There is another smaller Case Logic portfolio clipped to my visor [Oscar vigorously shakes his head] What?

Oscar: I'm asking about Certificates of Deposit.

Michael: I've been putting money into CDs for years. I bought music that I didn't even like. No. [shakes head]

Jan: I just think that...

Michael: I can't.

Jan: Why?

Michael: I can't go back to that.

Jan: I think you can. I... what?

Michael: I don't know if I can do that. I can't see myself spending the next six years digging myself out of that kind of hole.

Jan: All right, well then maybe there's another way, you know? I mean, we could just... we'll think of something else.

Michael: We will? I can't. I don't have an idea in my head.

Jan: Well... well, we will.

Michael: I have...

Jan: We just will.

Michael: Okay. What? Um...

Jan: I have some ideas.

Michael: Tell me.

Jan: [laughs] I am not going to tell you yet.

Michael: Well, please? I won't tell anybody.

Jan: Oh, yes, you will.

Michael: Yeah, I will.

[ 04x07/08 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Andy: Gentlemen, a word. Look, you guys are my closest friends in this office.

Jim: Right back at ya.

Andy: And as such, I come to you...

Dwight: State your business!

Andy: I am dying of lovesickness and horny-sickness.

Dwight: That is impossible. Unless you mean gonorrhea.

Andy: I'm talking about Angela, okay? Did you hear what she was saying to Pam the other day?

Dwight: Yes, I did, 'cept I don't think she means it. Angela is in a great deal of pain because of the death of her cat, and she's in a kind of a grieving process, and it makes her say things. So... best to just lay off.

Andy: No can do. I am itching all over with Angela-pox.

Jim: Oh my God, you do have gonorrhea.

Phyllis: Hey, Andy! Maybe this is one of those situations where you just have to do her to get her out of your system.

Dwight: Stay out of this, you!

Andy: Hey, fellas! And... lady.

Kevin: I still do not have your reimbursement check.

Andy: That's not why I came over. I mean it's a week late, but... I just came over to say hi.

Oscar: Hi.

Kevin: [waves] Hi.

Andy: Angela, you like lacrosse?

Angela: Lacrosse, the sport?

Andy: Scranton U. Varsity's gonna scrimmage the J.V. squad. Should be pretty interesting. J.V. gets really amped.

Angela: Well, I guess it's a big opportunity for them.

Andy: Yeah.

Angela: Yeah.

Andy: You wanna go?

Angela: No.

Andy: Because we could get some food...

Angela: No.

Andy: Afterwards at the...

Angela: Andy, no. [Andy nods and starts backing away, Kevin giggles]

Andy: Still waiting on that check.

[ 04x07/08 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Jim: Pam! You don't think he'll mind if we take the shampoo, do you? [holds up large bottle]

Pam: Mmm. Mmm-mmm. [shakes head 'no']

Jim: Okay.

Pam: [Mose serves bacon] Thank you, Mose.

Mose: [clears throat] Everybody poops.

Jim: Yes, they do.

Mose: There's no other... way to get rid of the food.

Jim: Where's Dwight?

Mose: Gone.

Pam: Where'd he go?

Mose: His day place.

Jim: The office.

Mose: What office?

Jim: Hmm.

Pam: Mose, Angela hasn't been around here much lately, has she?

Mose: Angela?

Pam: Angela - she used to stay here sometimes?

Mose: Angela [leaves].

Mose: [on trampoline] Cannonball! Lemon b*mb! Jim, Pam, watch! Jim, Pam, watch! Jim, Pam, watch!

Pam: Okay, we're watching, Mose!

Mose: Okay, go Yankees! I'm a w*r hero!

Jim: You're doin' great, buddy!

Mose: Name's Mose, buddy! Dwight, can I stop? They're not even looking.

Dwight: Yeah, go ahead and stop. You guys, you should really be looking, he's working his ass off over here.

Jim: I'm sorry, did we or did we not pay for a show?

Dwight: Okay, go ahead, they're right.

Mose: Large spins!

Jim: [not watching Mose] More spins.

Dwight: Arr, dammit! [throws saw at table he was working on]

Mose: Helicopter!

Season 4 - Episode 09

"Local Ad"

[ 04x09 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: All right! So, anybody else? No bad ideas. Everybody, let's keep 'em coming... oh, God. Okay, Toby?

Toby: Well, you know how everyone fast forwards through ads these days? Well, what about an ad in slow motion. You know, if they fast forward through it, it'll just seem normal and it will catch your eye. Plus, uh, the slogan could be[/b]: Dunder Mifflin, we adapt to the pace of your business. [murmurs of approval by everyone but Michael]

Michael: There are no bad ideas but for an idea, that was really, really bad.

Toby: I spent three years in advertising before I came here.

Michael: And that is probably why most ads suck. [points to the ad men waiting outside the conference room] Oh, that's them! Those are the ad guys right there. All right, my very fortunate and creative group, go back to your desks and I will let you know when it is time to film. [everyone starts leaving the conference room] [loud whisper] Pam! Pam, come here for a second. Did you get the memo about dressing your best?

Pam: Yeah.

Michael: About dressing your best today?

Pam: Yeah, I distribute so I get all the memos.

Michael: Cool. Cool, I just wanted to make sure you got it.

Pam: Yeah, I get all the memos. [starts to leave]

Michael: Okay, good. Good.

[ 04x09 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Michael: This is Pam Beesly, representing our girl next door. Pretty but nothing special. You know, but she sort of keeps it real. What you might want to do, is if you could zoom in, like really quick zooms on her. Might be good. [walking away] Who else? [pointing] Oh, Creed... is the old guy over there. Don't look at him. You might want to use him to sort of get that Orville Redenbacher dynamic going.

Ad guy 1: Sure.

Ad guy 2: Right.

Michael: And if not we can just make him disappear. [walks quickly over to Jim's desk] This is Jim! Halpert. Jim has a very expressive face, don't you Jim? He is like our Mr. Bean.

Jim: Okay.

Michael: So do, um, do sad, do the sad face.

Jim: I don't want -

Michael: No, that's skeptical. Do sad.

Jim: Mmm...

Michael: That's, that's a pirate movie. [Jim stares at Michael] That's annoyed. Well, he doesn't do very well under pressure.

Ad guy 1: [shakes head] Yeah... no. [Jim turns to Pam with an exaggerated sad face; Pam laughs. Dwight walks towards Michael and the ad men]

Michael: And anybody else, we can just hire an actor to replace. Follow me! Let's get this movin'. [Dwight goes back to his seat, embarrassed]

[ 04x09 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Michael: All right, let's start.

Jim: All right! [sitting down behind Michael's desk] I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing, but...

Michael: You are my producer, you are a suit. I am the creative genius. You take care of all the boring stuff, and let my mind just run free.

Jim: Yup.

Michael: Now, we have eighty-five dollars, and a Sam Goody gift certificate...

Jim: Right.

Michael: ...and we need to be done by 9 A.M. tomorrow.

Jim: Mmmhmm. Why don't you start by telling me what you got.

Michael: We start on a single blank sheet of paper.

Jim: Love it.

Michael: And we widen to reveal ancient Rome.

Jim: Mm, can't do that.

Michael: Okay, we widen to reveal a spaceship blasting out of a woman's womb.

Jim: Definitely can't do that.

Michael: Bull[censored] man!

Jim: You know what?

Michael: This is bull[censored]!

Jim: Okay, Scott, why don't you take your head out of the clouds and come back down to planet Earth so we can make a commercial.

Michael: Ahhhh! [sweeps toys off his desk]

Jim: I'm just doing my job, man.

Michael: If you don't let me pursue my artistic vision, I am going to walk!

Jim: Good! Fine! I've got one Andy Bernard that will direct this puppy for half your fee... [dialing phone]

Michael: No! No! Jim, Jim, don't, don't...

Jim: What? What?

Michael: No, I can do it.

Jim: What?

Michael: I can do it good. I can do it good. Please, don't. Please. [kneels in front of desk] Please give me it.

Jim: Okay, make a commercial.

Michael: [taps on desk and starts to leave his office] Do you want this open or closed?

Jim: Closed. [Michael leaves his office, gives Jim two thumbs up, which Jim returns]

[ 04x09 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Michael: Hey, everybody, I just got off the phone with David Wallace, and he has given us the go-ahead to make the first ever Dunder Mifflin television commercial. Huh?

Everyone: [applause]

Michael: I can't hear you! [less applause] Heard you a little bit less that time. Must be...

Dwight: We had already applauded.

Michael: Okay, okay. Who could do music?

Pam: How about Darryl?

Michael: Actually, I'm a little concerned about having a black person do the music, because that could create a positive stereotype that could then become a... celestine prophesy, and keep the next Bon Jovi from ever picking up a piano.

Jim: Michael is on a mission to prove that he's creative. Which I think is odd, because Michael actually might be the most creative person I've ever known. Every day, Michael says and thinks things that no one has ever said or thought before.

Season 4 - Episode 10

"Branch Wars"

[ 04x10 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Andy: And let me just add, that as a member of The Finer Things Club, I would bring a strong financial contribution to any discretionary funds that we may have. Finally, here is a recommendation from former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum.

Oscar: Okay, that's enough, uh. Thanks, Andy.

Andy: Mmmhmm. [leaves]

Toby: He's gonna ruin everything.

Pam: Oh, my God. His letter of recommendation from Rick Santorum is three fifty-dollar bills.

Oscar: Wow. Now we can afford hard-cover books.

Toby: I like it just us three. [very quietly] I don't want it to change.

Toby: I love The Finer Things Club. My ex-wife used to have a book club, and I would read their book and sometimes listen from the kitchen.

Angela: The Finer Things Club was not sanctioned by the Party Planning Committee. Renegade clubs are dangerous. I squashed the Weight Loss Buddy Support Group. They didn't need to gather. It was just gross.

Meredith: [slurping her from her big cup] I don't know why I'm not in The Finer Arts Club [slurring]. It's bullcrap. [throws her cup on the floor, something splashes on the camera] You clean it up.

Andy: [opens envelope Toby has handed him] Dear Andrew Bernard, after carefully examining your application to The Finer Things Club, we are unable to offer you a position at this place and time. We would, however, like to place you on a list in case an opportunity arises when your inclusion can be tolerated. Your position as an ongoing financial patron, however, is yours to cherish. Sincerely, The Finer Things Club. [pauses to consider] Yeees! [to Phyllis] I got waitlisted.

Andy: I got into Cornell off the Wait List. A lot of people were like, "Oh, you just got into Cornell because your dad donated a building." No. Okay. I got into Cornell because I'm smart. I'm smart enough to have a dad who donates buildings to things.

[ 04x10 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Michael: Utica is snoozeville, um, Albany are the prepsters, Nashua, no parking, um, Akron is haunted, Camden... is in a basement, Yonkers has the two hot girls, and here in Scranton, we are the cool guys.

Michael: Woo! g*n!

Jim: Well, you're driving, right?

Michael: Yes, I am, but I want g*n for you.

Jim: Mmm... I'd prefer to sit in back.

Dwight: Wait! I wanted to sit next to you.

Michael: No, Dwight! Dwight, Jim is sitting next to me. You're gonna sit in the back left where I don't have to see your ugly moongob.

Dwight: Okay, that is so mean! You know what, I'm not going.

Michael: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Dwight, you're handsome. You're a very handsome man, get in the car.

Dwight: Woohoo!

Pam: [on phone] So, there was no sales call.

Jim: Nnnno. Uh, turns out, it was just a really bad idea involving f*re. But I think I fixed it.

Pam: Wait, you're going along with this now?

Jim: I have to. Pam, if I'm not there, someone's going to go to jail. Or die.

Pam: Right. And, you wouldn't be able to talk to Karen.

Jim: Well, I promise you that has nothing to do with it.

Pam: A little bit.

Jim: Well, yeah I don't want to see her get physically harmed, that's for sure.

Pam: Because you love her? [baby voice] Because you love her very much?

Jim: All right, I'm gonna go now.

Pam: Okay. Have fun with your girlfriend!

Jim: Okay, I will. [idiot voice]

Pam: I'm kidding around. We joke about that stuff all the time. I'm not really the jealous type, so, I don't care if Jim sees Karen. I care a little.

Security guard: They sprayed me in the eye. [Dwight and Michael are trapped by/under a copier in the stairwell]

Dwight: [moans] Scranton rules! [sprays Silly Spray]

Michael: Dwight! Stop it! [moans] Can you help me please, I'm being crushed.

Michael: Would it have k*lled you to spend the afternoon making love to her in a motel room? Like I begged you to? Pam would have understood. Heck, Pam would have done it.

Dwight: Pam is down for anything.

Jim: You embarrassed me.

Michael: You embarrassed us.

Dwight: Yeah. We shoulda brought Andy. I cut a chunk out of my penis for nothing.

Season 4 - Episode 11

"Survivor Man"

[ 04x11 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: Come in!

Pam: Oh, it's Creed's birthday today. Should we get him an ice-cream cake? Mint chocolate chip?

Michael: Pam, are you my friend?

Pam: Oh, no.

Michael: We have been friends forever, right?

Pam: Yes, I have been working with you forever.

Michael: Hypothetically... would you go camping with me, if I were to ask you? And bear in mind that I would never actually ask you to go camping. That Jim is also a friend of mine, and I would rather die than make any sort of improper ovation toward you.

Pam: I don't think so.

Pam: Here's the thing. When Michael invents a hypothetical situation, he eventually turns it into an actual situation.

Michael: Do you understand that Jim is like a brother to me, and I would never do anything inappropriate?

Pam: I do.

Michael: So, as friends, would you go with me on a camping trip?

Pam: No.

Michael: Thank you for your honesty.

Pam: You're welcome. Open or closed?

Michael: Split the difference. Hey... mint chocolate chip, please? Is Jim out there?

Pam: No.

Michael: Can you send Dwight in here?

Pam: Yeah. Dwight, Michael wants to see you in his office. [Dwight runs in]

Dwight: You wanted to see me?

Michael: Mmhmm. I had something very personal I would like to discuss. [Dwight closes door, takes off glasses, kneels in front of Michael's desk] Would you go find Jim, and send him in here, please?

Dwight: I'm on it.

Pam: Michael has employed Dwight to track you down.

Jim: How much time do I have?

Dwight: Jim, Michael's office.

Pam: Couple minutes, give or take.

Dwight: Now, Jim!

[ 04x11 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Dwight: And this... is a Hassenfass. Case-hardened steel. One side, as sharp as you'd ever want something to be. The other side serrated for maximum damage.

Michael: Okay.

Dwight: Look at that. Perfectly balanced. This is a fine precision instrument.

Michael: All right, Dexter, just give me the Kn*fe.

Dwight: Don't you want a sheath for that?

Michael: No, just get me a case. [Dwight looks at the camera, lifts his leg onto the desk, removes the sheath from his ankle, and gives it to Michael] All right.

Dwight: Anything else? Flint...

Michael: MmMmm. All I need...

Dwight: Parka...

Michael: No, Dwight!

Dwight: Tent, rainfly, gorp...

Michael: I'm telling you, all I will need are my instincts and my will to survive.

Dwight: Mmmnnnnmmm...

Michael: [holding up Kn*fe] What is this called again?

Season 4 - Episode 12

"The Deposition"

[ 04x12 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Jim: So, where did you learn how to play?

Creed: Cambodia. You?

Jim: My friend's basement. All right, ready to start?

Creed: Let's do this thing. [Creed loses the first point, tosses his paddle on the table and starts taking off his shirt. Jim retrieves the ball and looks back to see Creed with his shirt untucked and unbuttoned]

Jim: What are you doing?

Creed: We're not playing strip pong? [Jim shakes his head no] Okay. [Creed picks up paddle]

Oscar: I totally see that. [looking at spreadsheet]

Jim: Right. There, first...

Oscar: Yeah, yeah.

Jim: I think that's the question that you had...

Pam: What are you doing?

Oscar: It's a problem with the client. I think, Jim...

Pam: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. [makes 'talking' gesture with her hand] Jim, come on, we gotta get in there and practice. Okay? I'm not kidding!

Jim: Wow. [heads toward the conference room]

Pam: Now. Get good work done. Concentrate.

Jim: All right.

Pam: On your backhand. [Jim opens the conference room door and enters]

Stanley: Booyah! [laughs]

Phyllis: [laughing] Thought we were playing for fun.

Stanley: No one paid me to say 'Booyah.' Now pick up the ball.

Phyllis: But it's closer to you.

Stanley: [kicks ball toward Phyllis] Now it isn't.

Jim: What are you guys doing?

Phyllis: Oh, we're in a meeting.

Jim: Oh yeah, how long's this meeting going to last? [Stanley mumbles, looking at his watch]

Angela: [calling in, unseen] I have next meeting!

Andy: I played a lot of pong growing up. I spent a lot of time on cruise ships. I'm also a monster snorkler.

Andy: Okay, you know what, this table's not regulation.

Jim: Good eye - it's an oval. [Andy compares his arm length to his side of the conference table] You're measuring the table.

Andy: Do you know anything about physics?

Jim: Do you?

Andy: Just serve. Let's go. [hits one into net] Dammit! These balls are weighted weird, aren't they?

Jim: Yup.

Andy: Yeah. Get another one. [throws the offending ball at Jim, who takes another from his pocket]

Jim: Now, wait a minute. You're not gonna punch a wall, or me, or anything like that if you don't win the point, are you?

Andy: I don't know! No, okay, just... serve!

[ 04x12 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Michael: I have some, uh, experience. I, um, once had to testify in a traffic accident case.

Man: Then you're an old hand at this.

Michael: Yes. My testimony was actually very important, um, because the accident was my fault. [To Toby] Tell Meredith I said it another time [Toby nods].

Jan: Yes, Michael is going to be cross-examined today, which'll be very, very risky for me, nonetheless, not an easy decision to make, but it's a deposition. It's not going to be in front of a judge. And it's four million dollars.

Michael: Before we continue, I would like to make an opening statement.

Man: Fine. Please be brief.

Michael: [clears throat and stands] Ladies and gentlemen of... the... table. I would just like to say what a joy it is for me to be here today, but frankly, at my age, it's a joy to be anywhere [no one laughs]. I'm only forty-four, so I'm not old, and I guess that doesn't really play. But the point is, I have a sense of humor. And I implore you all to have a sense of humor as well. Jan, David, my wonderful girlfriend [indicates Jan, then turns to David Wallace], my gorgeous company... Why don't we all just take a big deep breath... and just relax [breathes in deeply, no one responds]. Good. That feels good [sits]. All right. Everybody feel better?

Diane Kelly: Two years ago, when you quote "kissed and fondled in the Chili's parking lot" [Jan sighs and shakes her head], were you aware of company guidelines specifically discouraging that behavior?

Michael: Na, Na-oh, Naa-es.

Diane Kelly: Yeah, I'm sorry, that's not a word.

Michael: Ye-ohh. Ye-no.

Diane Kelly: Okay. Were you aware that when Jan was with you, she claimed to be visiting clients, or, uh, traveling to see her sister in Scottsdale?

Michael: Very nice! [Borat voice]

Diane Kelly: I'm sorry. Excuse me?

Michael: High five! [Borat voice]

Jan: Sometimes when he gets nervous he, uh, talks like Borat.

Diane Kelly: Okay, Mr. Scott, would you mind, um, speaking in your normal voice for us. Please.

Michael: [shakes head] Can't stop.

Diane Kelly: Okay [nods].

Michael: Forgot normal talk.

Season 4 - Episode 13

"Dinner Party"

[ 04x13 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: My ideals at a party? Easy. Jim. Pam. Ryan. The Mayor. Barack Obama. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Because at the end of the night, Brad or Angelina would have to come and pick him up and I would get to meet them. Shia La Beef because of Disturbia. Umm, all of the children of the world. Val Kilmer. But he probably wouldn't come, too famous. Obviously George Clooney. Umm... And Jan definitely, if there was room.

Dwight: I'll tell you about my ideal dinner party. John Wilkes Booth. Lee Harvey Oswald. Osama Bin Laden. John Wayne Gacy. Jeffrey Lionel Dahmer. "Oh hey guys, welcome to my home. Oh, here comes the waiter with the soup, hope you guys are hungry." Meanwhile, the waiter suddenly nods at me. [Dwight nods] But I don't acknowledge him. But I know he's an assassin because I trained him. Boom. Two minutes later, five d*ad psychopaths at my dining room table. All that's left to do is dispose of the bodies and collect the reward. Ugh, it's almost too easy.

[ 04x13 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Jan: A little amuse-bouche, anyone?

Pam: [to Jim, quietly] Food!

Jan: Okay, trivia! Does anyone know what that means?

Andy: I believe it means mouth pleaser.

Jan: Oh!

Andy: It's French. I studied some French during my semester at sea. Or, shall I say a semester at la mer, which is French for 'sea.'

Angela: Andy, was that coordinated by the Cornell Study Abroad Office?

Andy: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Angela: The reason I ask is that Andy went to Cornell.

Jan: [Michael comes out of the powder room to rejoin the group] Ahh, did you wash your hands, babe?

Michael: Yes, I did, for you, princess. Even though I only went number one. [quietly to Jim] I didn't really wash my hands. Ohhh, what have we here? This looks delicious. [picks up amuse-bouche tray]

Pam: [quietly] Not with your hands.

Michael: [touching and moving each amuse-bouche] They need to be presented... royally... anyone?

Andy: Mmm. [takes one and eats it]

Michael: Good stuff. All right. Let's get down to some wine drinking.

Pam: Oh, my God, [eating a bar in the hallway] I thought I was gonna pass out. [Jim takes it from her and takes a bite]

Jim: We should probably get back.

Pam: Mmm-mm. I'm probably just gonna stay here for a while, say I got lost.

Jan: [coming up suddenly] Are you eating?

Pam: It was just a little...

Jim: I didn't have anything, Jan.

Jan: Really, Pam. This is a dinner party. [walks away. Pam looks at Jim accusingly]

Jim: I'm sorry. She scares me. [walks away, Pam keeps eating]

[ 04x13 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Dwight: Michael's dinner party is for couples only, which is why I wasn't initially invited. But that was then. I very recently entered into a serious, monogamous relationship. [looking around] If that idiot ever gets here.

Jan: So, this girl that I basically grew up with becomes Miss West Virginia, and then suddenly, all the boys start paying attention to me. And it was funny because, you know, I never even considered myself beautiful until people started pointing it out to me. You know, "Jan, wow, you are so much more beautiful than Miss West Virginia." [laughs] Ah, so that is why I uh... wait, Pam, what was your, what was your question?"

Pam: Where did you grow up?

[ 04x13 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Michael: It's been a rough couple of weeks.

Jan: Well, I just got into a little trouble with the neighbors.

Michael: Little trouble. Yes. Well, Jan fell asleep during her neighborhood watch shift.

Pam: Wow, you did neighborhood watch?

Michael: Yes.

Jan: I did, and I had a very late shift and I had a little bit of wine and I fell asleep.

Michael: So she's passed out, and some kids spray-paint a swear word on the neighbors' dog...

Jan: Yeah.

Michael: And the neighbors blamed Jan.

Jan: Yeah. But, you know, it was my fault.

Michael: It's like, you know, the dog shouldn't have been outside in the first place. Anyway, it's a tragedy, really, because the paint is not gonna come off the dog until it sheds...

Jan: Mm-hmm.

Michael: So...

Jan: Yeah.

Michael: Well.

Jan: It was me!

Jim: What's that?

Jan: I spray-painted that dog. It was sleek, and shiny, and perfect little haircut, it was parading around like it was God's gift to this God-forsaken town [laughs] and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I went over there and I held down my knee and I just spray-painted it until I was good and done. [claps] It bit me on the arm, [reaches out and taps Jim] I didn't even feel it.

Jan: What are you doing to him? What... [sees neighbors' dog] is this about that stupid, ugly mutt?

Neighbor: She's a Weimaraner, you bitch!

Jan: Please, please. Don't hurt him, okay?

Season 4 - Episode 14

"Chair Model"

[ 04x14 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: It is moving day. I have spent the last month here at Dwight's lovely farm, taking a little bit of a vacation, clearing my head after Jan and I, um [Dwight puts his fingers to his head and makes a sh**ting noise] ssp... No, I did not k*ll her. We were just at different places in our lives. No, I thought I'd be the bigger man and allow her to stay at the condo. She has since moved on; she is staying with her sister in Scottsdale. Fresh outlook, and it's all good.

Dwight: Okay, so look that over, make sure it's accurate.

Michael: Oh. What is this?

Dwight: Your bill, minus the ten percent Dunder Mifflin corporate discount.

Michael: You were charging me? I'm your friend.

Dwight: You occupied the America room for six weeks. That's our most popular room.

Michael: There was no other guest the entire time I was here.

Dwight: Right. Because you were in the America room. In an election year.

Michael: Okay. All right, Dwight. Take my money. Go ahead. Keep in mind that this whole thing was just a business transaction. The late nights, the talks, the slumber parties, the crying jags, that was all business, that had nothing to do with friendship, and being friends. Just ring me up. Go ahead [Dwight tears up bill].

Michael: Thank you, Dwight.

Dwight: We don't take debit cards, anyway.

Michael: Dwight, little help with the bags, please.

[ 04x14 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Michael: So, what about you, Angela? Do you have any single friends?

Angela: I don't.

Michael: A cute little religious type, someone who wears a uniform, or...

Angela: A Catholic schoolgirl?

Michael: No, no, obviously older.

Angela: A nun?

Michael: Love. Marriage. Baby carriage. Those have been my goals ever since I heard that song. Jan and I had love. We did not have marriage. We did have a baby carriage, which I got her for bringing groceries home, after she got a DUI.

Kelly: Hi, Michael.

Michael: [sitting at her desk] Hey, Kelly.

Kelly: Yeah, what are you doing here?

Michael: Nothing. Just hangin'. Chillin'. No agenda. Would you consider hookin' me up with one of your friends?

Kelly: Oh, all my friends are crazy. My one friend, Brianna...

Michael: Yeah?

Kelly: Oh, my God...

Michael: That's hilarious. What's her number?

Kelly: She's 23.

Michael: Mmm... nah, that's too young.

Kelly: Actually, I know a ton of people that I can set you up with!

Michael: Oh.

Kelly: Some of my friends' parents, they're getting divorced now. [Michael gets up and starts walking away] So I think some of those, like, older ladies, they're really looking for a guy to go on a date with.

[ 04x14 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Michael: ['Rita Klondike 507' is written on an index card] All right, time's up! Pencils down. Please pass your future Mrs. Michael Scotts forward.

Toby: Forcing your employees to set you up is not a, uh, uh, technical violation of any Dunder Mifflin rule. You know, but neither is forcing them to help you with a sh*t-by-sh*t remake of Indiana Jones. Huh-how do you make a rule book like that?

Michael: Pammy?

Pam: I don't have anybody.

Michael: You don't have one single girlfriend?

Pam: No...

Michael: I'm not looking for a perfect 10 here, just somebody to hang out with. Just fun, healthy young woman.

Pam: Sorry.

Michael: A kindergarten teacher, who is great with kids, maybe an ex-model, and now she wants to do something with her brain?

Pam: No, I don't, I...

Michael: How 'bout a professional volleyball player who models on the side?

Pam: I just...

Michael: You know, just a fun, guh, look, there, here, it doesn't have to be a model. I'm not, don't rule out model, but just in terms of models, there are like twenty different categories. There's face models, hand models, body models [Jim raises hand] - yes.

Jim: I actually know a sex model.

Michael: Really?

Jim: Yep. Yeah. She's blind, is that a problem?

Michael: No, I am, it's all about the personality, Jim.

Jim: Okay.

Pam: Are you talking about Beverley?

Jim: Yes.

Pam: Because she's not a sex model. She's a tollbooth operator.

Jim: Oh, yeah.

Michael: Send me a picture.

Michael: So far, these are my leads. A blind tollbooth operator and a twelve hundred pound catcher. It's a start.

Season 4 - Episode 15

"Night Out"

[ 04x15 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: You're gonna be okay, it's gonna...

Dwight: Ohhh, man! [sound of Ryan throwing up] There it goes.

Michael: Ahh, ooh!

Dwight: I am so sorry. I'm so sorry, sir.

Michael: [helping Ryan out of the taxi] Come on, come on.

Dwight: That'll come out of the upholstery. Oh, man. He threw up in the back of the taxi.

Ryan: Dehydration.

Michael: Here we go, let's sit down.

Dwight: It's dehydration. He went to the bathroom at the club like fifteen times.

Michael: All right, shhh. Dwight, leave him alone.

Troy: Hey, don't blame me for what Ryan does. I'm not his dad. I'm his friend, okay? And friends are there to help you have a good time. And sell you the stuff you need to have a good time.

Michael: You had a rough night tonight. But your life is very good, my friend. You've got a great job, you... you can have any woman you want, you're good looking, you, you know...

Dwight: Friends with a hobbit.

Michael: Frien..sss...yes, you're friends with a hobbit, and... look where you live. I mean, you've got it all.

Ryan: Yeah, New York is great.

Michael: No, I mean this apartment building, it's fantastic.

Ryan: Oh, this, this is not my apartment. This, this is the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Michael: Well, now I can say that I went to a museum.

[ 04x15 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Phyllis: [Phyllis, Pam, Toby, and Oscar are sharing iPod headphones] I don't understand. Which one is that?

Pam: That's the other Boleyn girl.

Phyllis: Oh.

Oscar: Honestly, the book is so much better than this.

Pam: Shh.

Stanley: [through the fence to Terri, who's holding a drink for him to sip] Ah, we don't know. They didn't give him his Christmas bonus this year, so...

Hank: [on phone] Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks!

Jim: Will do. [hangs up] I'll stop calling. [walks into lobby]

Kelly: Was he still there?

Jim: No, that was his wife, so he's on his way.

Kevin: Jim, how long? I have to go to the bathroom.

Jim: Well, he'll be here really soon, Kev.

Angela: If you hadn't made us stay, we'd all be home by now.

Stanley: Somebody's always got to be a hero.

Kelly: I'm so cold, I'm gonna faint. If I faint, it's totally your fault, Jim.

Jim: Let's be honest, it's not totally my fault. [indicates Pam] Shared responsibility.

Pam: Mmm?

Jim: Oh, I just mean if you, if you didn't lock the door, then we could be upstairs where it's warmer.

Pam: I'm supposed to turn the lock when I leave, it's part of my job.

Jim: Is that... I didn't know that was your... okay, so we're in agreement, this is not ideal... situation.

[ 04x15 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Michael: Ryan?

Ryan: Yeah.

Michael: Do you ever miss us?

Ryan: Not really. New York is...so great.

Michael: Ryan?

Ryan: Yes.

Michael: Do you remember what color my eyes are?

Dwight: Hazel. They're hazel.

Michael: Dwight, I asked him.

Ryan: No, I, I was going to say hazel, yeah.

Michael: Really?

Ryan: Yeah.

Michael: Not just because he said it?

Ryan: No.

Michael: Ryan?

Ryan: You're my friend, Michael. OK?

Season 4 - Episode 16

"Did I Stutter?"

[ 04x16 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: You know, I don't care what he did to me. He's mean to other people, that's what gets me. He's just...

Jim: Who else is he mean to?

Michael: Everybody. He just, he's always, he's always talking about people behind their backs to me.

Pam: What kind of stuff does Stanley say?

Michael: Like that people are stupid, and that they're idiots, and that they're sluts.

Kelly: Why would he say that?

Michael: Because he's mean. He's, he's like a really mean-spirited guy. He talks about how gay Oscar is...

Jim: Mm-hmm.

Michael: And that Angela's a midget, and that [indicates Jim] your chin is too big.

Jim: Hey.

Michael: I know, I know. I think it's tiny. I think it's too small if anything. And that your glasses make you look ugly.

Jim: She's never worn these glasses before.

Michael: Well, he's just mean.

Pam: Michael, I think that what Stanley did to you was rude. Maybe you should just get him aside and tell him that he was behaving badly.

Michael: It's complicated, Pam. I mean, the world looks a lot easier from behind your reception desk.

Jim: Well, I actually agree with her, I think you should talk to him. And you also might want to explain to Andy that no one wants to help him decide whether or not he has a rash.

Kelly: Oh, yeah, and then, yell at Creed, because you know what? Looking can be as bad as touching.

Michael: Okay.

Michael: I put Stanley on a pedestal, for a long time. But sometimes he can just be a big, fat jerk. I... jerks don't deserve to be on pedestals. Jerks should be placed up somewhere where everybody can see how jerky they are. Big marble... jerk stand.

[ 04x16 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Michael: Pam, stand up.

Pam: Hi everyone. My name is Pam, and I wear glasses.

Meredith: Hi, Pam.

Michael: Pretty disgusting.

Phyllis: I like your frames.

Pam: Thanks, Phyllis. Yours, too.

Phyllis: Oh, well, I'm already married. Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses.

Kelly: Ignore her, those glasses are so cool.

Pam: Really?

Kelly: Yeah, you look like Lisa Loeb or Tina Fey or someone. You should definitely wear them all the time.

Pam: Huh. Maybe I will.

Kelly: Guess who just became the cutest girl in the office.

Pam: What's it like without my glasses? Um, well, here, I'll show you. Unfocus your lens. A lot. I'm 20/400. You got it? Okay, I'm gonna spend the rest of the day like this. I can't see any of the things that would bother me on a normal day. I can't see anything disgusting, or ugly, or Michael... it's great.

Ryan: Yo!

Pam: Hi, can I help you?

Ryan: Haha, nice! I guess I have been a stranger lately.

Pam: [pointing] Ryan!

Ryan: Hey, Pam, do you want a bagel? [throws it]

Pam: Yeah.

Ryan: Think fast. [it hits her in the face] Honestly, Pam, the bagels in New York are the only good bagels in the world, I swear to God.

Pam: Okay.

Ryan: The only good bagels anywhere.

Pam: I've heard that. [reaches down to pick up bagel from the floor]

Ryan: Same with coffee, and women.

Pam: Okay.

Ryan: I'm gonna go find Toby. Oh, here's what you do. [takes her bagel] You scoop out the middle, like that, and then you just eat the shell. You know? [pats his belly, points to Pam] Fewer carbs.

Pam: Yeah, if I could have seen what he just did, I think I would have gotten angry.

[ 04x16 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Jim: A formal warning, seriously?

Toby: Well, as you know, Dwight has filed a lot of complaints against you over the years.

Jim: And no one cared.

Toby: But now it's being looked at as more of a productivity issue.

Jim: Productivity? My numbers are good.

Toby: I know, um, but Ryan thinks that, uh, they're not good enough.

Ryan: Wallace likes Jim. So going after him - that's a risky move for me, but in business, you gotta take risks. Sometimes you gotta get out on the open highway, with the top down [pushes button about eight times to get the top down. Finally it comes down and it's all bunched up. As he's fixing it, the car rolls backwards a bit.]

Season 4 - Episode 17

"Job Fair"

[ 04x17 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: Well, kids today have a very short attention span. They are into texting and video games and sex, and they just, they get distracted easily. And today they're being distracted by the other booths.

Michael: [clears throat] Hey, there! Michael Scott, regional manager, Dunder Mifflin.

Brad: Brad Bailey, nice to meet you.

Michael: That is a very firm handshake. Ow, ow, aahch! k*lling my hand, there.

Brad: Yeah.

Michael: So, what is your poison? You like uh, sales, accounting, customer service, what do you like...

Brad: Sales, uh, sales would be cool.

Michael: Sales is and could be very, very cool. If you like paper, and you love to laugh, this is the place for you.

Brad: Well, that's great.

Michael: Right here. We have a lot of fun.

Brad: Mmhmm.

Michael: [Pam returns] This is one of our staff. This is Pam Beesly, [takes piece of paper from Pam] receptionist extraordinaire.

Brad: Hey, Pam, what's up?

Michael: Check that out, huh?

Pam: Hi, nice to meet you.

Michael: Pretty nice.

Brad: Yeah.

Michael: She sits there all day.

Brad: Nice.

Michael: You get to look at her. Why don't you hold out your hand. [hands Brad paper] Tell me what you feel.

Brad: Paper.

Michael: That's called card stock. That's what you're feeling. Now what you're feeling inside is confusion, butterflies, exhilaration... You're thinking, "Am I good enough for this job? Do I have what it takes?" And I think we both know the answer. We'll find that out together. You can keep that.

Brad: Are you sure?

Michael: Mmm, yeah.

Brad: Sweet. [camera zooms in on Pam]

Michael: Don't fold it, though.

[ 04x17 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Michael: We have the Dundies, my birthday, those blow out, and it's sexy, it's sort of a sexy atmosphere, you know? The other day, in the parking lot, I actually found a condom. So. [to Pam] I've been meaning to ask you, do you know whose that was? [Pam shakes head no] So, sexy is fun...

Brad: Well, it was nice meeting you, I'm, I'm gonna take off.

Michael: Hey, you know what? Coincidence - I am going to go for a little stroll myself. Are you psyched about the summer?

Brad: Oh, yeah.

Michael: Yeah, me, too.

Brad: Okay, well, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Michael: Okay, be my guest.

Brad: Thanks.

Michael: And do your worst.

Michael: [to Brad coming out of the bathroom] Hey.

Brad: Whoa, come on!

Michael: So, I forgot to mention that my old temp is now my boss, so, gives you an idea of how quickly you can move up in this...

Brad: Yeah, I get it, okay, I'm not interested. Stop following me around; you're really starting to creep me out.

Michael: One other thing I wanted to...

Brad: Nnn, look. I was just being polite. I don't want to waste my life selling paper for your stupid company, okay? [walks away]

Michael: [laughs] Ohh...Nah.

[ 04x17 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Kevin: I'm gonna take so much money off that guy. That guy is a whale. I'm gonna clean him out. This is really gonna get me out of a hole.

Kevin: He's not my client.

Jim: If your client likes Italian food, you bring him to Cugino's. And if your client likes a little action, you bring him a gambler. And if your client hates Cornell, you bring him Andy.

Andy: [tries to break club over knee] Ow! Ow! [tries again] Owooh!

Phil Maguire: Guy's kind of a douche.

Jim: Yeah, well, you know...Cornell.

Phil: [chuckling] I guess.

[ 04x17 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Michael: Hey, Justin!

Justin: I'm sorry, I'm sort of in the middle of this.

Michael: Wait, you want this kid to be in the Air Force?

Air Force recruiter: Absolutely. Justin is smart, capable, ambitious, and he aims high.

Michael: Time out. You think this kid could be a fighter pilot?

Air Force recruiter: I think Justin can be anything he wants to be.

Justin: [chuckling] Okay.

Michael: Okay.

Michael: Have you given any more thought to Dunder Mifflin?

Justin: Well, you took away the brochure, so I sort of...

Michael: Well, yeah, but you don't need the brochure. The brochure is up here [indicates head] and it's in here. [indicates heart]

Justin: Oh.

Michael: I think you are smart, and capable, and you aim high.

Justin: That's what the recruiter just said.

Michael: I'm right.

Season 4 - Episode 18/19

"Goodbye Toby"

[ 04x18/19 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Toby: This is Jim Halpert...

Jim: Hi.

Toby: And Pam Beesly.

Holly: Oh, Pam! Toby says such nice things about you.

Pam: [to Toby] Thank you!

Jim: He didn't mention me, did he?

Holly: Oh, no, he said you were a really good salesman.

Jim: Thanks, Toby.

Toby: You're welcome.

Jim: I've always gotten along well with Toby. Uh, we're friends. But I don't think we'll stay in touch necessarily. I think I'll probably get updates on him from Pam.

Holly: Oh, I think that makes us neighbors.

Meredith: It's a couple streets over.

Holly: Oh, maybe you can show me some of the fun hangouts, and where to get my nails done.

Meredith: Sure! That sounds fun!

Holly: Great.

Meredith: I hate that bitch. I wanna cut her face. [Dwight walks by and hears]

Dwight: Stop! Don't look at me. On the counter you will find bread, peanut butter, and jelly. Pretend to make yourself a sandwich.

Meredith: Pretend? Or really make one?

Dwight: Really make one.

Meredith: Make your own [bleep]in' sandwich.

Dwight: Will you please? Make a sandwich. Now, according to my sources, you have an issue with the new H.R. woman. Well, so do I. And so does our secret benefactor. That's too much peanut butter. What I propose is a good old-fashioned hazing, and I need your help. If you choose to accept this mission...Wipe the Kn*fe off before you stick it in the jelly. Have you ever made a sandwich before? Dammit, Meredith!

[ 04x18/19 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Phyllis: [on phone] Well, who can do a party of this size? But you're in the business, you must surely know of some other businesses. Okay, well, I JUST WANT A DAMN DANCE FLOOR! Sorry. So sorry, I shouldn't have sworn, I'm so sorry. Um, thanks for your time. [knock on door] What? Sorry, I shouldn't have said 'what' like that, it was really rude.

Jim: Scared me. How's the party planning going?

Phyllis: Jim, I am so f[bleep]ed.

Jim: So it's going great, sounds like.

Phyllis: I don't know, I'm not used to the stress.

Phyllis: When I was growing up, my mom said, "the sky's the limit." I could do anything. Be a teacher's aide, nurse's assistant, some kind of volunteer. But now, I, I'm not so sure.

[ 04x18/19 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Toby: This is a picture I've been carrying around in my wallet for about six years. It's this unspoiled beach in Costa Rica, Playa Grande. Um, I take it out when I get stressed or depressed, and it really calms me down. Never thought I'd get to live here, you know. But it turns out they built these great new condos there, so, this could be me, right around, uh, where the trees used to be.

Toby: Hey.

Jim: Hey.

Pam: Hey.

Toby: Hey.

Pam: Did you just buy that?

Toby: Yeah, I guess it will be my, uh, thing in Costa Rica, be a nature photographer.

Jim: That's cool.

Toby: Yeah. Um, you mind if I get a picture?

Jim: Sure!

Toby: Think you could...[wants to hand the camera to Jim, but Jim is starting to snuggle up with Pam, posing. Toby aims the camera, the flash pops up] Okay. [takes picture] Okay.

Jim: Good one? [Toby puts on the lens cover and scurries away awkwardly] That's a cool camera.

[ 04x18/19 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Jim: Okay, this is the second time in two days that the website isn't working. Do you guys know anything about it?

Dwight: The website is hiding, forming alliances with other sites, preparing an att*ck for which we will have no defense.

Jim: Do you honestly believe that?

Dwight: Yes, I do.

Jim: I'm gonna get a second opinion.

Andy: It was down for a couple hours yesterday, then back up, and now I've heard from a very reliable source that it is once again out of commission. And that reliable source is you.

Jim: Okay, you could just say you don't know what's going on.

Andy: Um, I do, 'cause I just told you.

Jim: Is Ryan gonna f*re me? I don't know. I know that I've done everything I can, and I just brought in a huge sale, and... am I insane, or was this kid a temp two years ago? Because in the three years that he's been here, I think all he's ever done is start a f*re and grow a beard. And it's not even a good beard.

Troy: Troy Undercook, for Michael.

Pam: Ahh! I'm sorry, I didn't, I didn't see you come in.

Dwight: Troy! What are you doing here?

Troy: Just filling in for Ryan, as a favor.

Dwight: Where is Ryan?

Troy: He had an urgent matter in New York.

Dwight: Welcome to our land.

Pam: Dwight. [to Troy] Michael will be out in a second.

Dwight: Can I get you a t*nk of mead?

Jim: Hey, Troy, can you do me a huge favor? Next time you see Ryan, can you tell him to check his messages? That'd be great.

Troy: If I see him, I'll tell him.

Jim: Why wouldn't you see him? You work for him.

Troy: I report to Wallace now.

Jim: Okay, what's going on?

Dwight: Looks serious.

Someone: What's a...

Michael: Oh, my God.

Dwight: Troy, do you know anything about this?

Troy: Maybe I do.

Dwight: Maybe I do. Enough of your magical riddles!

[ 04x18/19 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Phyllis: And if the food stations are here and here... no! Here and here. Drinks here, then people can mingle. But then where would the band go?

Bob Vance: Mmm. Well, what about there?

Phyllis: Mmm, no Bob, I don't know.

Phyllis: It's times like these, I wish my mother were with me right now. She'd show me what to do. That's stupid; she's not here. [looks at watch] She's at water aerobics for the next forty-five minutes.

Stanley: Why don't we eat more corn dogs? They're delicious.

Oscar: Totally, they're the best.

Stanley: Corn dogs should be the standard. Corn dogs should be called hot dogs, and hot dogs should be called bad dogs.

Oscar: Why don't we make corn burgers?

Stanley: [chuckling] What a messed up world.

Oscar: Seriously, do you like my idea? Corn burgers.

Angela: I need you to make an announcement that this party is a disaster.

Andy: But I don't think it's a disaster. I think it's fun, and I like the food.

Angela: Deep fried Twinkies? It's gross!

Andy: Is that what that is?

Angela: Yes.

Andy: You know what, I didn't try those. [reaches for one] I could try this. Augh! Fried Twinkies, you kidding me? Starting to wonder about the food in this place [takes a bite]. Oh, God! That is so good.

[ 04x18/19 Deleted Scene 6 ]

Stanley: When I had my colitis, Toby was very helpful. He gave me seven weeks off. When I had my acid reflux, Toby was not as helpful. So I'm mixed on Toby.

Michael: Toby Flenderson, come on up here.

Toby: Uh, no, that's okay.

Michael: Come on, no, no, no.

Co-workers: Toby! Come on, Toby!

Michael: Toby!

Co-workers: Toby! Toby! Toby!

Toby: Okay, okay, I'm going.

Michael: Toby has written a fantastic speech for you, he spent a year on it. It's very funny and charming and heartwarming. And it rhymes, and if it's not any good, he has instructed us all to storm the stage and b*at him to a bloody pulp. [laughs] No! So, take it away, Toby! Whoo!

Toby: Well, uh, okay. Um. It's really great to be here tonight, with the Ferris wheel, the band, and the low sunlight. I'm gonna miss you all when I go to Costa Rica, and if I keep drinking beer like this, I'm gonna have to take a leak-a. [laughter from audience, Michael looks at camera unhappily] Look, on a more personal note, I just want to say thanks, you know, no matter what was going on in my life, you know, my divorce, or the custody battle, or that thing with my sister, it was just nice knowing I had a, a supportive place to come to where...

Michael: Ach, [to Darryl quietly] okay, okay, play the cutoff music.

Darryl: No.

Toby: I'm gonna really miss going to beers with you guys every Tuesday night [Pam holds up soda in salute, Meredith yells 'yeah!', Michael looks at camera] and lastly, I'd love to urge you to keep up with my fight to have the building checked for radon gas. You know, it's a, it's a real serious matter, and every time I try to have the, uh...

Michael: Blah, blah, blah, blah...

Toby: ...building looked into...

Michael: ...blah, blah, overstaying your welcome! Let's keep it moving! Let's keep it moving! Toby, everybody!

Creed: I gave Toby my buddy Jorge's number in Costa. He'll hook Toby up with everything: cable TV, women, oh, and this amazing coffee to snort.
{"type": "series", "show": "The Office", "episode": "04x99 - Deleted Scenes from Season 4"}