J.D.'s Bedroom. J.D. is asleep.

J.D.'s Narration: The worst thing about Elliot having picked my annoying intern, Keith, as her permanent booty call is that if he's had a few beers, he sometimes forgets which room is hers.

(Keith climbs into J.D.'s bed and kisses him on the neck.)

Keith: I'm here, lover.

J.D.: [asleep] Tender.

(Cut to ICU.)

J.D.: In my defense, Keith's a decent kisser and anyone waking up that way would let out a pleasure moan.

Turk: Same thing happened to me in college.

J.D.: Really? What guy drunkenly kissed you while you were sleeping?

(They look at each other in horrified realization.)

J.D.'s Narration: And it was at that moment that Turk and I remembered the incident we managed to block out for 12 years.

Turk: Uh, you OK with us not hanging out for a couple of weeks?

J.D.: Totally.

Turk: OK.

(Turk exits.)

J.D.'s Narration: I was going to miss Turk but luckily, my favorite intern was around to cheer me up: Jason Cabbagio. Or as I had brilliantly nicknamed him...

(Jason is struggling with an IV)

J.D.: Cabbage!

Jason & Mark: [in unison] Yes, sir?

J.D.: Oh, no Mark, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Cabbage.

Mark: Well, my last name is Cabbage.

J.D.: I know that, but I've nicknamed you "Wolfman" because of your keen sense of smell.

J.D.'s Thoughts: And your ridiculously hairy torso.

J.D.: Now, what can I do you for?

Jason: Dr. D, is the IV supposed to leak like this?

J.D.: Well, yes and no, mostly no, really - really, all no. But don't worry, I got your back. First thing is, take a little nipper yourself.

(J.D. takes a sip from the leaking IV line then sprays Jason with it.)

J.D.: Oh, got some on you, look out! OK, that's some of the fun that you can have, but no , seriously watch and learn, watch and learn.

(J.D. starts fixing the line.)

Jason: It's an honor to watch you work, sir.

J.D.: Take it all in, Cabbage, take it all in.

J.D.'s Narration: Yes, I like some interns more than others, but I never let my personal feelings affect my professional behavior.

(Keith enters, his scrubs spattered with blood.)

J.D.: You're late, Keith! Which doesn't surprise me because you're a bad person.

Keith: Sir, they needed help with a sh**ting victim downstairs.

J.D.: Lies will get you nowhere, Keith.

Keith: I'm covered in his blood.

J.D.: That could be anyone's blood.

(Carla enters with a patient in a wheelchair.)

Carla: Here's the g*n victim from downstairs.

g*n Victim: Hey, look! My blood.

J.D.: That's not your blood.

g*n Victim: Yes it is.

J.D.: Quiet time.

(Cut to hallway.)

Turk: All right, listen. If Mr. Burton wants the surgery, you just call me on my celly.

Elliot: Cool, what's your number?

Turk: You have my number.

Elliot: I don't, I changed phones.

Turk: Oh. But you didn't switch out the old numbers into the new phone?

Elliot: Yeah, but I decided just to put a couple of emergency numbers on here...

(Turk snatches Elliot's phone out of her hand and looks in the address book.)

Turk: "The Butterball Turkey help line." This one just says "That guy in the restaurant."

Elliot: Hey, I really clicked with "that guy in the restaurant," OK? We spent all night talking about...something, OK? Look, Turk, if I need you I can just call Carla. It's not like we hang out just the two of us anymore. I bet you don't have my number in your cell.

(Turk shows Elliot his phone. It reads:)

"Elliot Home

Elliot Work

Elliot Cell

Elliot's Parents

(in case Elliot isn't reachable)"

(Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room.)

J.D.'s Narration: Not even Keith could bum me out because everyone's favorite patient, Mrs. Wilk, is going going home today.

Mrs. Wilk: I'm sure not going to miss this food.

Carla: Well, the nurses and I got you this.

(Carla holds up a large poster-sized card that says "Congratulations" on the front.)

Carla: Huh?

Mrs. Wilk: Ohh!

Carla: You should see the size of the stationery store.

(They all laugh)

J.D.'s Narration: That was a huge courtesy laugh, because I was about to trump Carla's goodbye gift like nobody's business.

J.D.: Mrs. Wilk, I remembered how much you like basketball, so I got you a DVD of the NBA's "All Time Greatest Centers of All Time" signed by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Mrs. Wilk: Oh, J.D., this is so sweet.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Winner!

(Keith enters.)

Keith: My gift is in the same vein.

J.D.: Oh, is it, Keith?

Keith: Mr. Abdul-Jabbar is on my dad's flag football team.

(Kareem Abdul Jabbar enters.)

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Hi, Patricia.

Mrs. Wilk: Oh!

(Kareem Abdul-Jabbar looks at the DVD.)

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: That's not my signature. Did you sign this? It's illegal.

J.D.: OK. Back to the psych ward, Mr. Rosenberg. Crazy.

Admissions Area

J.D.'s Narration: That morning seemed like any other. Dr. Mickhead was back, having beaten the rap on m*rder his spouse.

(Dr. Mickhead enters, with a stack of orange jumpsuits.)

Dr. Mickhead: Anyone want a cool prison jumpsuit?

(Everyone rushes to get one.)

J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Kelso was having his daily staring contest with the last double chocolate chocolate-chip muffin.

Dr. Kelso: Let's end this charade. You win again. You always do.

(Dr. Kelso takes a bite the muffin. A black lands on his arm, pecks at the muffin, takes off and lands in a wreath.)

Dr. Kelso: Would someone explain what that bird is doing in my hospital?

Janitor: Sanchez appears to be flying, sir. I've named him Sanchez. He set up shop in that old wreath, there. I'd take it down, but the patients around here really seem to love the little guy.

Dr. Kelso: That disease-infested scavenger is a serious health risk!

Janitor: Oh.

Dr. Kelso: do you know the number one cause of death in the hospital?

(Dr. Cox enters.)

Dr. Cox: Your breath?

(Dr. Cox exits.)

Dr. Kelso: Infection. And do you know how quickly infection spreads in a hospital?

(Dr. Cox enters.)

Dr. Cox: Your breath.

Dr. Kelso: That doesn't make sense.

Dr. Cox: Hmm. Don't care.

(Dr. Cox exits.)

Dr. Kelso: Look. Infection can start with a simple sneeze...

(A boy sneezes and his mother wipes his nose. Her hand glows green to show that it is now infected.)

Dr. Kelso: ...and then a handshake...

(The woman shakes hands with a doctor. The doctor's hand glows green.)

Dr. Kelso: ...perhaps an accidental collision...

(A nurse bumps into the doctor, causing his paperwork to fall. She helps him pick it up, and her hand glows green.)

Dr. Kelso: ...then a simple touch on the shoulder.

(The nurse touches a patient on the shoulder, which then glows green.)

Dr. Kelso: And just like that, you have a patient in trouble.

(Todd enters. His mouth, crotch and butt are glowing green.)

Todd: Chinatown is awesome.

Dr. Kelso: I want that bird gone.

(Dr. Kelso exits. Keith and J.D. enter)

J.D.: Keith, I realize you'd like to be at your grandmother's funeral on Saturday, heck, we all would. But you can't just take a day off whenever you feel like it.

Keith: Then how come Cabbage got Saturday off so he could go see King Kong?

J.D.: Because, Keith, Cabbage is an ape enthusiast. Show him a little.

(Cabbage beats his chest, blows raspberries and screeches like an ape.)

J.D.: It's like I'm at the zoo. Put the thing in your mouth, when you...

(Cabbage pretends to pull something from his hair and eat it.)

J.D.: Yeah!

(Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room. Turk hugs her.)

Turk: See you, Mrs. Wilk.

Mrs. Wilk: I'm gonna miss you.

Elliot: I'm going to miss our late night talks.

Mrs. Wilk: You can call me any time you want, sweetie.

Elliot: Got you number right here on my phone. [to Turk] Sorry.

Turk: Don't even worry about it. It's OK.

(The exit the room.)

Turk: We are so not cool.

Elliot: We're not? Why are you making such a big deal out of this? It was a simple...

Turk: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA...

(Then enter Mr. Burton's room.)

Turk & Elliot: [in unison] Mr. Burton, hey!

Elliot: Now, in a few minutes, I'm be coming get you for your aortic bi-fem bypass surgery.

Turk: And if there's anything we can do for you, just let us know.

Mr. Burton: Well, if I don't make it, I want you to make sure my sons gets this note.

Turk & Elliot: [in unison] Done.

(Cut to a birdcage. A cell phone inside is ringing. Sanchez lands in the birdcage and Janitor shuts the door.)

Janitor: Oh-ho-ho, I can't believe you fell for that. Why would that call have been for you? It's my cell phone. Do you have my one button?

Sanchez: [squawk]

Janitor: Hey! Now I can't call my buddies in Saigon. Touché. What else can you do?

(Cut to cafeteria.)

J.D.: Hey, can I borrow five bucks? I left my wallet at home.

Dr. Cox: [mouth full] Whaddaya need five dollars for, because Abraham --

Carla: [interrupting] Because Abraham Lincoln is your latest president crush, or because Woolworth is having a 48 hour girdle sale? There, I did for you, don't talk with your mouthful.

(Carla hands J.D. some money.)

Carla: Here, all I have are hundreds.

Dr. Cox: [indistinct]

Carla: Because I worked the streets last night, apparently I'm a prost*tute.

(Dr. Cox gives her a thumbs up.)

Dr. Cox: [mouth full] OK!

Carla: Thanks.

J.D.: Thank you.

(J.D. gets in line. Sanchez lands on his arm, takes the money and flies away. Cut to Janitor. Sanchez drops the money into his hand.)

Janitor: Nice job, buddy. Let's go get you that hat.

Sanchez: [squawk]

Janitor: Mine.

(Cut to cafeteria.)

Carla: Where's my change?

J.D.: A bird took it.

Carla: I want it back by tonight, or I'm going to b*at it out of you.

(Carla exits. J.D. sits down.)

Dr. Cox: Why are you sitting here, Newbie?

J.D.: I'd sit with my interns, but Keith's over there and I can't stand him.

Dr. Cox: I've seen that kid. Horrible doctor. I would sooner leave my medical care in the hands of Dr. Acula. Yes, I read your screenplay and as much as it pains me to say it, I didn't hate it. All right, lookit, here's what you gotta do with this Keith. You turn the heat up on his ass, and sooner or later he'll make a mistake and then you bounce him the hell out of here.

J.D.: What did you think of the Transylvania dream sequence? Because I wrote it while I was on call, and the next morning I woke up and read it and I was like "what was I thinking," you know?

Dr. Cox: Bethany. Focus.

J.D.: Well, I can't just pick one of them out to t*rture.

Dr. Cox: Then dump on all of them. I'm sure they deserve it, I mean let's face the facts. You are their teacher, how competent can they be?

J.D.: Actually, just this morning, one of them had trouble with an IV. Yesterday, one of them made a diagnosis off a backwards X-ray, and last week one of them make a patient septic when he confused a suppository with a Mike & Ike.

Dr. Cox: Stellar group there, Newbie, let the torturing commence.

(Dr. Cox's watch goes off.)

Dr. Cox: Oh, I'm sorry, that means conversational time is o-v-e-r. Please exit the area. Please exit the area. Please exit the area.

J.D.: When you get a chance, I'd love to talk to you more about the screenplay.

Dr. Cox: Please exit the area. Please exit the area. Please exit the area.

(Cut to Nurses' Station.)

J.D.'s Narration: Turk and Elliot were having a hard time, too, because their patient, Mr. Burton, didn't make it through surgery.

Turk: We did everything we could for your dad.

Elliot: We are so sorry, Devin, Eric.

Eric: That's Devin, I'm Eric.

Elliot: Oh. You guys must get that all the time.

Devin: Why, because all black people look the same?

Elliot: God, no, because you're identical twins.

Devin: Is she always this r*cist?

Turk: Oh, there's a pattern.

Elliot: Identical twins, Turk!

(Cut to ICU. J.D. holds up a tongue depressor with a cotton ball up to Keith's chin at a distance.)

J.D.: [to himself] Uh- oh, Keith. It looks like someone's gone prematurely gray. That's gonna hurt with the ladies.

Carla: Wow. You know, Dr. Cox told me you were getting tough on your interns. I had no idea you were gonna go all cotton ball on their asses.

J.D.: I think I know how to deal with people, Carla. Check this. Cabbage, heat test!

(Jason runs over to J.D. and puts his finger in J.D.'s coffee.)

Jason: [in pain] It's a little hot.

J.D.: I'll add some milk. Thank you. See?

Carla: Yeah.

J.D.'s Thoughts: And now, it's goodbye, Keith.

J.D.: Interns, gather! The next intern who screws up is going to be suspended for two weeks! This is a list of all of your names. At least the ones I remember. At the end of each day, I will either write a smiley face or a sad face next to your name. One sad face and you are gonzo, and I want to warn you, I write my sad faces pretty darn sad. Allow me to demonstrate. [to Dr. Cox] Dr. Cox, may I borrow your pen?

Dr. Cox: Not going to happen. I had to strangle a nurse to get this clicky-top.

J.D.: Please? I'm in the middle of a very thr*at speech.

Dr. Cox: Return this pen or die painfully.

J.D.: Thank you. [to interns] So as I was saying, my sad faces...

(Sanchez lands on J.D.'s shoulder and steals his pen, then flies away.)

J.D.'s Narration: Around here, it can be pretty tough to hang onto things. So if someone's trying to take your new friend away, you might have to lie.

(Cut to hallway.)

Janitor: The bird's d*ad, sir. And if you're wondering, Sanchez tasted like chicken. I ate him.

Dr. Kelso: I get it. Now would you sign this order form so I can stop talking to you?

(Sanchez drops the pen into Janitor's hand.)

Janitor: Gracias. (thank you)

Dr. Kelso: De nada. (You're welcome.)

(Cut to Nurses' Station.)

Eric: You said our father left us a note?

Elliot: Yeah. Dr. Turk, give it to them.

Turk: Elliot, I gave it to you, you have the note, you give it to them.

J.D.'s Narration: And if you feel your credibility slipping, you might have to excuse yourself for a moment.

Elliot: Excuse us for one minute, there, Devin, Eric, um. Hmm..

(Cut to ICU. J.D. has drawn a large sad face on a pad of paper.)

J.D.: Anyway, I know it's in pencil, but that's what a sad, two-week suspension face would look like, all right? Very, very sad. Yes?

(A nurse hands J.D. a chart.)

J.D.: Who tried to give Mrs. Meadows an ACE inhibitor? She's six months pregnant, she could have lost the baby.

J.D.'s Narration: Of course, sometimes there's nothing you can do.

Jason: That was me, sir. Sorry.

J.D.: Oh, Cabbage. Not you, Wolfman. Ugh.

 Mrs. Wilk's room.

Dr. Cox: I uh, I can't believe you're finally getting out of this deathtrap. I mean the odds were against you. You had a life thr*at disease, life thr*at doctor...

(Dr. Cox looks at J.D. J.D. waves.)

Dr. Cox: Anyway, it was a pleasure treating you, and...

Mrs. Wilk: [interrupting] I know how hard it is for you to say something nice, so you can go.

Dr. Cox: Thanks.

(J.D. and Dr. Cox exit Mrs. Wilk's room.)

Dr. Cox: Why the grim face, there, Trish? Watching Dr. Kelso's afternoon staring contest with the last brownie?

Dr. Kelso: You bested me again, you little chocolate bitch.

(Dr. Kelso eats the brownie.)

J.D.: Nah, I'm just kind of sad about my intern.

(Jason is in street clothes, saying goodbye to the other interns.)

Dr. Cox: Why? You got what you wanted, you drove Keith out of here.

J.D.: No, I drove Cabbage out. That's Keith.

(J.D. points to Keith, busy going over a chart.)

Dr. Cox: That's Keith? That kid's the best intern we've got. Hell, I'd like to bronze him and turn my office into a Keith-edral and convert to Keith-stianity. F.Y.I., I still want my pen back.

J.D.: Oh, I don't have it.

Dr. Cox: You damn sure better find it, Newbie, and when you do, I want it buffed, shined and de-nerdified.

(Dr. Cox exits. Sanchez flies by and drops the pen on Dr. Cox's head.)

Dr. Cox: [whistles] You think that's funny? This isn't over.

J.D.: What's not over?

(Elliot and Turk enter)

J.D.: Do you know what's not over?

Elliot: You are making such a big deal about this. Turk, I did not lose it, you did.

Turk: I don't lose things.

Carla: Please, you lose everything. Sometimes I worry what you'll be like as a dad.

(Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. Turk is in the car on the phone with Carla.)

Turk: Yeah, baby, we're on our way back now. Junior and I just went to go pick up a pumpkin.

(Turk turns around and sees a pumpkin strapped into the car seat.)

Turk: I'm gonna have to call you back.

(Turk hangs up. Cut to pumpkin patch.)

Woman: Look, somebody left a baby here.

(Cut to Turk's and Carla's house. The pumpkin is in a crib, wrapped in blankets.)

Carla: Well, he is kind of cute.

Turk: Phew.

(Cut to a sink. Turk and Carla wash the pumpkin. Subtitle: One Week Later)

Turk: Our baby's first bath.

Carla: Oh, watch the head.

(Cut to a baseball diamond. Carla and Turk are cheering in the bleachers. Subtitle: Ten Years Later. The pitcher throws the ball and hits the pumpkin, wearing a helmet.)

Carla: What?!

Turk: OHHHHHHH!

Carla: Come on, that was intentional!

Turk: Charge the mound, son!

Turk & Carla: [in unison] Charge the mound!

(Cut to a college graduation. An older Turk and Carla hold the pumpkin, which is wearing a mortarboard. Subtitle: Twenty-One Years Later.)

Turk: We're so damn proud of you, son.

Carla: That's my little valedictorian.

Turk: Ha ha.

(Some one bumps into Turk and he drops the pumpkin, which splatters on the ground.)

Carla: No!

Turk: Put him back together, baby!

Carla: No!!

(Carla's and Turk's real son enters, across the road.)

Son: Mom? Dad?!

Carla: Son? Son?

Turk: Get over here, boy! You come over here and give your father a hug!

(Their son steps into the middle of the road, waving, and is h*t by a bus. Carla faints.)

Turk: NOOOOOO!!!!

(End fantasy.)

Turk: Dude, you all right? You were gone for a really long time.

J.D.: You're gonna be an awful father!

(Cut to doctor's lounge. J.D. and Jason enter.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: And now, to take care of my boy.

J.D.: Cabbage is back! g*ng, I should have made it clear, earlier. The suspension policy begins today at 4PM. So, my apologies to Cabbage.

Jason: That's OK, Dr. D.

J.D.: You get in there!

Keith: This is totally unfair! If I had messed up, I'd be gone.

J.D.: Let me explain something to you, Keith, OK? I treat each and every one of you like unique individuals, OK? Take Gloria, for example, she's 400 years old. She needs to sleep a lot. I work around that schedule.

(Gloria is snoring loudly on the couch.)

J.D.: Wolfman has gotta be home by daybeak, so he does all of his work come nightfall. Crazy Barry. Not allowed near children. We work around that.

Keith: How come I don't get a nickname?

J.D.: Not everyone's last name lends itself to a nickname, Keith.

Keith: My last name is Dudemeister.

J.D.: And what am I supposed to do with that? OK, I'm not a magician.

(Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room.)

Dr. Kelso: Patricia, it's been a real pleasure having you at Sacred Heart. And I certainly hope the next time you fall ill, you'll remember us. I'm...not implying that you'll get ill, it's just that you're old and chances are good -- stop talking, Robert.

Mrs. Wilk: [laughing] It's all right, I knew what you meant.

(Sanchez enters and lands on Dr. Kelso's shoulder. Janitor enters.)

Janitor: Dammit, Sanchez, I told you, Dorian's in room 136. This is...

(Janitor checks the room number.)

Sanchez: [squawk]

Janitor. 136. I was wrong. I apologize, Sanchez, you were right. As always. [to Dr. Kelso] What?

(Cut to ICU.)

Dr. Cox: Hey, Newbie!

(A bedpan hits J.D. in the head, knocking him over.)

Dr. Cox: Watch out for the bedpan. Now we're even. But answer me this one question, will you please?

J.D.: Those are beautiful antlers.

Dr. Cox: Ruh? Why is that screw-up still here?

J.D.: You see, Dr. Cox, I treat each and every one of my interns differenly...

Dr. Cox: [interrupting] And, you're done. So, you accidentally drummed your friend out of here because you were trying to eighty-six the Dudemeister, eh?

J.D.: that nickname will never stick. It's too long.

Dr. Cox: Listen carefully, Newbie. Things happen for a reason. Do me a favor and think back on all those mistakes your interns made and tell me this: who made them?

(Flashback to earlier that day.)

Jason: Hey. Dr. D, is the IV supposed to leak like this?

(Flashback to X-ray room.)

Jason: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking at here.

(J.D. enters and turns the X-ray over. Flashback to a patient's room.)

Jason: Don't worry. You're going to feel much better after I insert this suppository.

(Jason gropes around the medicine tray and picks up a candy. End flashback.)

J.D.: I don't remember who made those mistakes.

Dr. Cox: Yeah, you do.

(Dr. Cox exits.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, this sucks. But at least I didn't forge a note from a d*ad father.

(Cut to hospital Admissions Area.)

Turk: Are you guys ready? All right, Elliot, begin.

Elliot: [reading a note] My dearest Eric, it is my wish for you that you finally find a good woman...

Eric: I'm gay.

Elliot: ...so that she might find you a man...

Eric: Dad didn't know I was gay.

Elliot: ...so that he might find you a woman.

Janitor: I found your note inside Sanchez's wreath. I also found a bunch of little furniture. I don't know where he got that, he sure as hell didn't make it. He didn't have the time.

Devin: [reading the note Janitor gave him] Make sure you clean out the gutters at the lake house so the porch doesn't flood?

Turk: Ours is better than that.

(Cut to hospital exterior. Janitor shows Dr. Kelso a stuffed and mounted bird.)

Janitor: Well, it's done. I had him stuffed.

(Dr. Kelso flicks the bird's beak.)

Dr. Kelso: Terrific.

(Dr. Kelso exits.)

Janitor: And, he's gone. Wow, that was impressive, my friend. You're free to fly.

(The bird takes flight.)

Janitor: Farewell, Sanchez. Tienes mi corazón! [to himself] Tienes mi corazón. (You have my heart)

(Cut to locker room.)

J.D.'s Thoughts: Time to give Keith, here, a little treat.

J.D.: Hey, Todd. My buddy, Keith, here, says you're no good at rat-tailing.

Todd: Oh, really?

(Todd removes his towel and rat-tails J.D.)

J.D.: Oh!

Todd: Yeah! There! Tell him I'm good!

J.D.: Oh, he's good, Keith. Really good.

Keith: Thanks for the warning.

(Keith exits. Jason enters.)

Jason: Hey, Dr. Dorian.

J.D.: Hey, Jason, uh, we need to talk. Look, you're -- you're not progressing as fast as the other interns, and you've been making a lot of mistakes lately.

Jason: I know what you're going to say. I really am suspended for two weeks. But I promise, I'll do much better when I come back.

J.D.: Yeah, about coming back...

J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Cox was right. Things do happen for a reason.

(Cut to the bar.)

J.D.'s Narration: Like how going through a horrible experience with a friend can remind you how much you missed hanging out together.

Turk: "A woman, to find a man, to find a woman."

Elliot: [laughing] Excuse me for a sec.

(She makes a call on her phone. Turk's phone rings.)

Turk: "Incoming call from Elliot Reid?"

Elliot: You're on speed dial, baby.

Turk: Ah!

(Turk answers the phone.)

Turk: Wazzup?

Elliot: Wazzup?

Turk: What you doin'?

(Cut to hallway. Jason walks down the hall in street clothes.)

J.D.'s Narration: And in Cabbage's case, as much as I was gonna miss him, I was just lucky to get rid of him before he rally hurt someone.

(Jason stops to pick up a glove on the floor and dispose of it. His hand then glows green. He enters Mrs. Wilk's room.)

Jason: You've always been really nice to me and I just wanted to say thanks. And, goodbye.

(He shakes Mrs. Wilk's hand, which begins to glow green.)

Mrs. Wilk: Oh, goodbye, young man.

(She rubs her hands together, then touches her face, which turns green.)

TO BE CONTINUED
{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x12 - My Cabbage"}