PART THREE

Written by Ben Aaronovitch

Original air date: 20 September, 1989
Run time: 24:13

The Doctor: Not that way!

Ace: Doctor, it's a d*ad end!

Ace: Doctor!

The Doctor: Hang on, Ace.

The Doctor: I'm coming!

Ace: Doctor!

Spacecraft

Dig site

Warmsly: Yes, this site is where Arthur is supposed to have met Mordred in the final battle, and this lake, where Bedivere threw Excalibur.

Ancelyn: What do you know of Excalibur?

Warmsly: King Arthur's sword, Excalibur, wrought by the lonely maiden of the lake, who rose up out of the water holding the sword Excalibur aloft.

Ancelyn: This lake?

Warmsly: Thou rememberest how, in those old days, one summer noon, an arm rose up from out the bosom of the lake clothed in white samite, mystic, wonderful, holding the sword. And how I rode across and took it, and have worn it, like a king. It's all a myth, really. Honestly, women in water holding swords?

Bambera: Look!

Warmsly: It's that wretched girl!

Bambera: What are you doing in the lake?

Ace: Drowning. Here, you can be King of England.

Ancelyn: It's Excalibur.

Ace: That's what I said, Shakespeare.

Bambera: Where's the Doctor?

Ace: In a spaceship, down there! He's in trouble. We've got to help him.

Shou: Oi!

Ancelyn: Truly, the time of restitution has come.

Spacecraft

The Doctor: Come out, come out, wherever you are, you little tapeworm.

The Doctor: (coughs) Oh.

Brigadier: I just can't let you out of my sight, can I, Doctor?

The Doctor: Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart. So you recognise me, then?

Brigadier: Yes. Who else would it be?

Gore Crow Hotel

Elizabeth: Who are you? What do you want? Pat! Come quickly, Patrick!

Dig site

Bambera: Two people were down there and you didn't tell me.

Warmsly: Well, I...

Bambera: Down there, in a trap.

Ace: Yeah. Let's you in but it doesn't let you out.

Warmsly: Yes, well, Ace got out all right.

Bambera: But the Doctor is still down there.

Shou: And the Brigadier.

Bambera: I am the Brigadier.

Brigadier: So am I.

Ace: Hey, I thought it let you in but it doesn't let you out.

The Doctor: It let me out.

Bambera: Brigadier, I thought you'd retired.

Brigadier: So did I, Brigadier. Now, is the perimeter secure? This whole area is crawling with armed extra-terrestrials and they're hostile.

The Doctor: Same as ever, eh, Brigadier?

Churchyard

Morgaine: He has possession of Excalibur. Knight Commander.

Commander: My lady.

Morgaine: Take your men along that road. Seek out those who hold Excalibur and take the sword from them.

Commander: And if they resist?

Morgaine: Give them an honourable death.

Dig site

Ancelyn: My lord Merlin.

Brigadier: Merlin?

Ancelyn: Oh, he has many names.

Brigadier: He has many faces. And he has many companions. This must be the latest one.

Bambera: We've checked the perimeter. Doctor Warmsly is staying with the vehicles.

Brigadier: Oh, thank you, Bambera. Oh, see if you can get a blanket for this young lady, will you?

Bambera: Yes, sir. Perhaps I should make some tea, too.

Brigadier: Well, are you all right, Miss?

Ace: Just call me the latest one, and I can get my own blanket.

Brigadier: Oh dear. Women. Not really my field.

The Doctor: Don't worry, Brigadier. People will be sh**ting at you soon.

Gore Crow Hotel

Pat: Elizabeth?

Elizabeth: Pat, is that you?

Pat: You all right?

Elizabeth: Yes, I'm fine. I'm all right.

Mordred: Your wife?

Pat: Yes.

Mordred: With your aspect, it is well that she is blind.

Lavel: Do you have a phone?

Mordred: So, what have we here?

Mordred: Ah, there is light in this grey world.

Lavel: Don't move.

Mordred: Am I to do nothing?

Lavel: Yeah, you can get the tab if you like.

Mordred: Light and f*re. Come, drink with me!

Lavel: I said, don't move.

Mordred: Oh, I would wish for kinder words.

Morgaine: Mordred. Who is this?

Mordred: A warrior maid.

Morgaine: A warrior? Good. I would learn the strength of their forces.

Lavel: Stay back or I'll sh**t.

Morgaine: Be silent.

Morgaine: Rest here and tell me.

Morgaine: Ah.

Morgaine: Quietly, my child.

Morgaine: Now we know, Mordred.

Pat: You can't leave her like that.

Morgaine: Did my son drink well? Oh, I see that it is so. I must get the tab.

Pat: Get away from here, you...

Elizabeth: I can see. Patrick, I can see!

Dig site

Brigadier: Oh, Bambera, take the other car, will you?

Bambera: Yes, sir. Come on, Ancelyn. Looks like we get the deck chair.

Ancelyn: My lady is vexed.

The Doctor: We might run into trouble.

Brigadier: Oh really, Doctor? You do surprise me.

Ace: Winifred isn't following.

Brigadier: Good lord, is that her name?

Bambera: Now I'm vexed.

Ancelyn: What do you seek?

Bambera: Stay out of this. You don't even live here.

Ancelyn: Perhaps these?

Bambera: No.

Carbury Range Rover

The Doctor: Something's wrong.

Brigadier: What?

The Doctor: We haven't been att*cked yet.

Brigadier: Down!

Shou: Are they gone?

Warmsly: Who were they?

Brigadier: Now, Doctor, we've been att*cked. Happy?

The Doctor: Yes.

Brigadier: Oh, good.

The Doctor: As long as Morgaine's people are sh**ting at us, she won't be using more obscure methods of att*ck.

Brigadier: Such as?

The Doctor: I don't know, and I don't want to find out.

Castle

Mordred: The Knight Commander will stop them.

Morgaine: Stop Merlin? No, I will deal with Merlin in my own manner.

Citroen 2CV

Brigadier (O.C.): Over.

Bambera: Copy you, Greyhound. Will act accordingly. Over. You're from an alternative dimension?

Ancelyn: Yes.

Bambera: Good. You don't have cars there?

Ancelyn: No.

Bambera: Good. Hold on to this wheel.

Commander: Magnificent!

Carbury Range Rover

Bambera (O.C.): This is Seabird. Piece of cake, Greyhound One. We'll be with you shortly.

Brigadier: Much relieved to hear it, Seabird.

Ace: Professor, there's a whole pile of tinheads setting up on the road down there.

The Doctor: Brigadier, tell Bambera she's in trouble.

Citroen 2CV

Bambera: So, you married or what?

Carbury Range Rover

Ace: We've got to help them.

Brigadier: Well, what do you want us to do? The area's swarming with Morgaine's troops.

Ace: Doctor?

Ace: No.

Brigadier: Better get back to the hotel.

Outside Gore Crow Hotel

Elizabeth: I can do it myself.

Pat: You'll have to excuse my wife. Half an hour ago she was blind. Now, just who are you?

Husak: Major Husak, sir.

Pat: Hmm. You're not English, are you.

Husak: No, sir. If you'd please get into the vehicle.

Brigadier: Everything under control?

Husak: No, sir.

Brigadier: Don't worry, Major. You'll soon get the hang of it. Oh, this is the Doctor. Yeah, well, don't let him baffle you. And this is Peter Warmsly.

Husak: Ah, Mister Warmsly. If you'd join Mister Rawlinson in the vehicle, we'll evacuate you from the area.

Pat: Excuse me, there are a few questions I want answered.

Warmsly: And I have absolutely no intention of being evacuated. This area is where I live.

The Doctor: You're very angry.

Pat: Of course we're angry.

The Doctor: And you want to leave.

Warmsly: No, we do not want to leave.

The Doctor: Of course you want to leave.

Pat: Of course we do.

The Doctor: I wouldn't stand for any nonsense, if I were you.

Warmsly: Look, Doctor, the situation is perfectly simple. We are very angry and we...

Warmsly: Want to leave. Is that right, Pat?

Pat: Don't get in our way.

The Doctor: I wouldn't dream of it.

Pat: Just no reasoning with these people.

Husak: At the risk of being baffled, sir, I have one more evacuee on my list. A young lady.

The Doctor: She seems to have disappeared.

Brigadier: Well, there you have it, Major.

The Doctor: You've got enough w*apon here to fight a w*r.

Brigadier: That's the general idea.

The Doctor: It'll be useless, Brigadier.

Brigadier: Not this time, Doctor. Over here!

Brigadier: Open that box, will you?

Brigadier: Armour piercing, solid core, with a Teflon coating. Go through a Dalek.

The Doctor: A non-stick b*llet.

Brigadier: UNIT's been very busy, Doctor. We've also got high-explosive rounds for Yeti's and very efficient armour-piercing rounds for robots. And we've even got gold-tipped b*ll*ts for you know what.

The Doctor: No silver?

Brigadier: Silver b*ll*ts?

The Doctor: Well, you never know.

Brigadier: Quartermaster Sergeant! Silver b*ll*ts. Have we any?

Ace: You can come out now, they've gone.

Shou: That was close. I nearly got evacuated.

Ace: You may wish you had.

Gore Crow Hotel

Ace: What's that?

The Doctor: A shadow.

Ace: Professor, we've sussed out where the legend of King Arthur came from.

Brigadier: I'm sorry, miss, er, young lady, but the Doctor and I have important matters to discuss.

Ace: We reckon that when Ancelyn's lot dumped the freeze-dried king in the lake they must have told the story to some local.

Shou: But they couldn't handle the more outré aspects.

Ace: So they translated it into terms they could understand. And so old frozen chicken becomes King of the Britons.

Brigadier: Doctor, I really must...

The Doctor: No, Brigadier, this is important.

Ace: Since that's Excalibur...

The Doctor: It must be the source of Arthur's power.

Ace: And a vital control element to the spaceship under the lake. It wasn't stuck in the stone, it was plugged in.

The Doctor: Could be.

Ace: I bet Ancelyn knows. Knew.

Brigadier: Major Husak is leading a detachment to recover the bodies of Brigadier Bambera and Ancelyn.

Ace: What good are their bodies?

Brigadier: UNIT looks after its own, alive or d*ad, and I want these ashes buried with honour.

Track

Husak: Husak to HQ. The Seabirds are still operational. I repeat, the Seabirds are still operational.

Gore Crow Hotel

Brigadier: Doctor! Bambera and Ancelyn are alive.

The Doctor: They're alive?

Brigadier: And Major Husak said they seem to be heading north from here.

The Doctor: Towards the m*ssile convoy.

Brigadier: Yes. Bambera's own unit is there.

The Doctor: But if they lead Morgaine's troops...

Brigadier: It's a fully armed nuclear m*ssile.

The Doctor: If there's an accident. We'd better stop any engagement. Have you got a helicopter available?

Brigadier: Oh, better than that, Doctor.

Outside Gore Crow Hotel

The Doctor: Ah ha! Bessie!

Brigadier: Well, I knew how fond of it you were, so when you last went on your travels I had it put in mothballs.

Ace: Does it run on petrol or steam?

Woods

Bambera: Ancelyn! Ancelyn! Can't you do anything quietly?

Bambera: You're going to bring Morgaine's whole army down on us.

Ancelyn: Let them come. Do you not know I am the best knight in the world?

Bambera: Ancelyn.

Ancelyn: Yes, my lady?

Bambera: In this world we have a great and honourable tradition of tactical withdrawal.

Ancelyn: Ah, you wish to run away. Well, there can be but thirty of them at the most.

Bambera: If you don't start running, I'll k*ll you myself. Now come on!

Ancelyn: Winifred?

Bambera: What?

Ancelyn: Art thou betrothed?

Bambera: Not now, Ancelyn!

Outside Gore Crow Hotel

The Doctor: Ace, things may get dangerous, so I want you to have this.

Ace: It looks like a piece of chalk.

The Doctor: It is. I got it from the dartboard. But it will protect you against Morgaine's sorcery.

Ace: A piece of chalk?

The Doctor: A piece of chalk. At the first sign of anything strange, I want you to draw a chalk circle, and you and Shou Yuing stay inside it along with Excalibur.

Ace: Right, Professor. Chalk circle. Sure.

The Doctor: And remember, stay inside the circle. Don't leave it until I return.

Ace: Doctor, you are coming back, aren't you?

The Doctor: Trust me. Ready, Brigadier?

Brigadier: Ready.

Ace: Naught to sixty in twenty minutes.

Shou: As fast as that?

The Doctor: Appearances can be deceiving, Ace.

The Doctor: And remember, look after Excalibur and stay in the circle.

Ace: Gordon Bennett.

Shou: Wicked.

Castle

Morgaine: Merlin, you fool. To place such a trust in children. I swear that you shall rue this day, if you live.

Gore Crow Hotel

Shou: What are they?

Ace: Silver b*ll*ts.

Shou: Really?

Shou: What did the Doctor say? At the first sign of something strange...

Ace: Looks like Colonel Blimp has a fancy taste in hardware.

Shou: You don't like him much, do you?

Ace: I like to be treated as a person, not A latest one. Anyway, I don't trust him to guard the Professor's back. That's my job.

Shou: Do you think that counts as strange?

Ace: Where's the chalk?

Castle

Morgaine: With f*re, I shall summon you. With silver I shall bind you.

Gore Crow Hotel

Ace: Do you think we should sprinkle holy water or something?

Shou: I don't know. It's not my mythology.

Shou: Ace?

Ace: Yeah?

Shou: What's happening?

Overlooking the dig site

Brigadier: Doctor, I've just received the most peculiar from the hotel.

The Doctor: Does it say anything about Ace and Shou Yuing?

Brigadier: No. All it said was, night has fallen here.

The Doctor: I'll deal with that later. First, I've got to put an end to this bloodshed.

Brigadier: Oh, how, Doctor? Stand in the middle and shout stop?

The Doctor: Good idea.

Gore Crow Hotel

Ace: Stupid.

Shou: What did you say?

Ace: What?

Shou: Nothing.

Ace: This is stupid.

Shou: What did you call me?

Ace: I said, this is stupid. You deaf or something?

Shou: No you didn't. I heard you. You called me stupid.

Ace: I'm not a freak.

Shou: What?

Ace: I said, I'm not a freak. I'm Ace. Are you dumb or what?

Shou: I'm not stupid.

Ace: Then why do you keep saying stupid things?

Shou: That's good, coming from a reject like you.

Ace: Listen here, toad-face. Just you shut your mouth or I'll knock your teeth in!

Shou: I bet nobody likes you.

Ace: Shut up.

Shou: First chance he got, the Doctor went off without you.

Ace: Shut up! Shut up!

Shou: I bet even your parents hated your guts!

Ace: Shut up, you yellow, slant-eyed...

Ace: Someone's playing games with our minds.

Castle

Morgaine: Oh, they breed their children strong on this world. Huh. No matter. There shall be an end to these games.

Dig site

Bambera: Get out, they're coming this way!

Ancelyn: Mordred! Face me, Mordred! Mordred!

Ancelyn: Is your army not enough to give you courage?

Mordred: Courage? Ha, to face you, Ancelyn, who fled the field at Camlan? Ancelyn the Craven, I call you.

Ancelyn: What care I for the words of a half-man who cowers from a woman's wrath.

The Doctor: Stop! I command it! There will be no battle here!

Mordred: This is no battle. Tis but a ruse, a diversion. My mother hath summoned the Destroyer, the Lord of Darkness, Eater of Worlds. Look to your children, Merlin, for soon they shall be no more.

The Doctor: Ace, what have I done?

Gore Crow Hotel

Morgaine: I am Morgaine of the Fey. I am power beyond your imagining. Surrender to me what is mine by right of conquest. Give me Excalibur.

Ace: Never!

Morgaine: Then you shall be given over to the Destroyer.

Morgaine: And become his handmaidens in hell. Bwahahahaha!
{"type": "series", "show": "Doctor Who", "episode": "26x03 - b*ttlefield - part 3"}