MAXXIE: Pretty good fella, but not good enough. 

MALE DANCER: h*m*! 

MAXXIE: Yeah, because I rule, basically... 

MALE DANCER: Shit bender.Ah, Kelly, you're t*nk'! 

FEMALE DANCER: What about you, you sweaty f*ck! 

MALE DANCER: Aargh! Get away, you scummer. 

MAXXIE: Later then! What you think of that, then? Tone? 

TONY: What? Think of what? 

MAXXIE: The moves... Me, Jonno and Kel worked it out. 

TONY: It's OK. 

(Cut to to Tony and Maxxie sitting in a bus. A van drives by and blares his horns. Tony panics.) 

MAXXIE: Hey! Nothing to worry about, dude. Yeah? 

TONY: Yeah. 

MAXXIE: It's all right. Everything's cool.

(Cut to to Maxxie and Tony walking down a street. A group of young girls are sitting on a car bonnet.) 

GIRL 1 : Hi, Maxxie. 

MAXXIE: Hey. 

ALL: Hi. 

GIRL 1: Who's that? 

MAXXIE: That's Tony. 

GIRL 1: Hey! What's up with you? 

TONY: I had a traumatic subdural haematoma with motor and perceptional complications. 

GIRL 2: Are you mental? 

TONY: Yes. 

GIRL 3: I'd still give you one. 

GIRL 4: Totally. He's well fit. Yeah, Queenie? 

GIRL 5: Yeah. He's buff. 

MAXXIE: Hey come on, Tone. See you later, girls. 

ALL: See you Maxxie! Bye! 

GIRL 3: I wanna give Maxxie one. 

GIRL 4: You can't. He's h*m*. 

GIRL 3: Bummer. 

(Cut to to Maxxie's kitchen. Tony and Maxxie are sitting at the table.) 

MAXXIE'S MUM: See? I remembered your favourite. 

TONY: Thanks. 

MAXXIE'S MUM: You've grown, Tony. And there's another two inches in you, easy. How's your Mum? 

TONY: I don't remember you. 

MAXXIE'S MUM: Oh, well. We used to have lovely chats when I was cleaning your mum's place. You were such a clever little lad. 

TONY: I'm stupid now. 

MAXXIE'S MUM: No. 

MAXXIE: Here you go, mate. (Maxxie's Mum hands him his plate.) Thanks, Mum. 

MAXXIE'S MUM: Oh, we used to giggle. Well, you never did know what your mum was going to say next. 

MAXXIE: Ketchup, Mum? 

MAXXIE'S MUM: Yeah, right. (Maxxie Mum's gets the ketchup from the kitchen.) Bloody hilarious jokes she told. Filthy. Oh, a right laugh, your mum. 

(Cut to to Tony's mum sitting in the bathroom in her house. She looks sad. Effy enters.) 

EFFY: Mum? I need to pee. (Pause) I can manage it myself usually. 

TONY'S MUM: Yeah, sorry. 

TONY'S MUM: Oh, f*cking... f*cking... f*cking thing! 

EFFY: Oh! Ooh. Oooh! Ooh la la! 

(Cut to to Maxxie's Dad dancing with his dog in a courtyard outside a block of flats). 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Yee-ha!

BOY 1: Oi, look out. Here comes Batty Boy. 

BOY 2: You wanna watch it, Dale. He'll slip you a big fat cock! 

BOY 3: No f*cking way, man! 

BOY 1: Cockety-cock-cock! 

BOY 2: Or he'll slurp you a big fat cock! 

BOY 4: A big f*cking cock, yeah. He'll be like, "All right, my lover!" and wank you silly all over his face and then he'll be like tying you up and shoving his big fat cock right up your arse and you wouldn't be able to f*cking stop him cos it's f*cking t*rture. You're shrieking and then yo'ure like... I'm just saying f*cking h*m*, though, innit? 

ALL: Yeah, f*cking h*m*. 

BOY 3: f*ck' h*m*. We'll f*ck them up. 

BOY 2: f*ck' queers! 

MAXXIE: Lads... 

BOY 1: Yeah, f*ck' 'omos! 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Nice one, Taz! 

MAXXIE: Hey, Taz! 

MAXXIE'S DAD: All right, love? 

MAXXIE: Yeah, tea's ready. 

MAXXIE: Nice routine, Dad. 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Nice? It's gonna f*cking slay them at the regionals. 

MAXXIE: Cool. 

MAXXIE: I just wanted to ask, is it OK if I drop out of my A-levels and... 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Come back? 

MAXXIE: I wanna leave college and audition for musicals in London. 

MAXXIE'S DAD: You're getting qualifications and you're coming to me on the building. 

MAXXIE: But how's a history A-level gonna help me be a builder? 

MAXXIE'S DAD: You'll be an educated builder. 

MAXXIE: Dad, I want to be a dancer. 

MAXXIE'S DAD: They have dancing every Thursday down the centre. You love that. 

MAXXIE: No, but... 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Pastimes. That's what we're into. 

MAXXIE: Dad... 

MAXXIE'S DAD: The rest isn't for us. Get the dog. 

MAXXIE: Taz. 

BOY 3: f*cking turd burglar. 

BOY 4: Watch out, Dale. 

BOY 2: f*cking dog! 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Quiet, boy. You got something to say, kidder? 

BOY 3: Say what I like. Free country, innit? 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Fair point. But here's my suggestion, son. You tell your Dad what you said to Walter Oliver. All right, my lover? (to the group) Lads... 

BOY 2: You got f*cked up, man! 

BOY 5: Big, big time. 

(Cut to to Tony in the bathroom in Maxxie's house. He is struggling to undo his belt.) 

TONY: Sid? Sid! Sid! 

MAXXIE'S MUM: Tony? 

TONY: I need to pee. My hands don't work. 

MAXXIE'S MUM: Well, I always sorted you out when you were a baby. 

TONY: I got to register for college, sign my name on a form. But my head's forgotten bits of me. All sorts of bits... 

MAXXIE'S MUM: Give it time, love. 

TONY : Just... I can aim. 

MAXXIE'S MUM: Right... 

MAXXIE'S MUM: All right? 

MAXXIE'S MUM: Bloody hell, Tone! You always did make me laugh. 

TONY: You're making me miss. 

MAXXIE'S MUM: You and every other bloke in this sodding house. 

MAXXIE'S MUM: Whatever happened to that nice lass you had? 

(Cut to to Michelle in a bar, visibly drunk.)

MICHELLE: Oh, my God! OK, watch this! Watch this you bunch of p*ssy-f*ck, OK? One, two, three. Go! Oh, my God! 

(Cut to to Chris and Jal in a high-rise building.) 

CHRIS: We on the right floor? 

JAL: Dunno, do I? 

CHRIS: All right...angry boots. 

JAL: I want to get ready for the party. 

CHRIS: Well, that'll take all of about 30 seconds, won't it? 

JAL: I get ready. I dress up. 

CHRIS: Nah...that's what we love about you, Jal... Unstudied. 

JAL: f*cking hell... I dress up! 

CHRIS: Is this the door? Whoa. You don't see that every day. 

MAXXIE'S MUM: It's open! 

TONY: That'll be Sid. He's gonna take me home. 

MAXXIE'S MUM: Oh...Chris...Jalander. Oh, what a nice surprise. Came just at the right time. 

CHRIS: Right... 

TONY: Where's Sid? 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Ah! Hi, guys. Hi, Tony, Chris. Hello, funny name. Where'd you lot spring from? 

MAXXIE'S MUM: Just finished seeing to Tony. 

CHRIS: Yeah. She was... seeing to him... 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Great. How are you, lad? 

TONY: Better, thanks. She's got warm hands. 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Oh, they're lovely and warm. Always say that. (pause) So you're all dancing the night away tonight, huh? Yeah...bit of a party! 

JAL: It's not really a party. 

CHRIS: Yeah, that's right. 

TONY: What party? 

(Tony, Chris and Jal are waiting for a bus.) 

CHRIS: Look, sorry, Tone. But your mum says we gotta take you home. 

JAL: Maybe your folks think it's a bit too soon to be going out. 

TONY: f*ck my folks. Where's Sid? 

CHRIS: Uh, he couldn't make it, mate. His dad made him stay in and... 

JAL: Mow the grass. 

CHRIS: Yeah, that's it. He's mowing the grass. 

JAL: He couldn't make it, Tony. All right? Sid couldn't make it... 

[Sid's house.]

CASSIE: Hey! Hi, Sid! When are you coming to see me? Everyone's so lovely in Elgin. Here's my new friends, Rory and Lachlan. 

LACHLAN: All right, wee man? 

RORY: Hello there, Sidney. 

CASSIE: Rory's going to let me blow his chanter later. 

RORY: It's easy. Ye just need to learn tae finger it. 

CASSIE: And I've already been beating Lachlan's bodhran. 

LACHLAN: Magic! Aye! 

SID: What?! 

CASSIE: I'm not very good. 

LACHLAN: Aye, ye are! 

CASSIE: Anyway, there's a present in there, Sid. And watch what I can do. 

SID: Mighty f*cking Scotland. 

(Maxxie's house.) 

MAXXIE:Don't you care what I want?! Don't I get to decide? 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Yeah. You're gonna decide to be a builder who dances in his spare time. 

MAXXIE: I don't want to be a f*cking builder! 

MAXXIE'S DAD: What's wrong with it? 

MAXXIE: Nothing. Nothing. I just... I can do this, Dad! (pause) You don't think I can do it, do you? 

MAXXIE'S DAD: No, lad. 

MAXXIE: f*cking hell! Thanks, Dad. It's not my fault, is it!? 

MAXXIE'S DAD: What? 

MAXXIE: That you're stuck in a f*cking white van all your life. 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Don't you speak to me like that! I'll clout you round the f*cking earhole. 

MAXXIE: Like you clout the f*cking dog?! 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Don't bring the f*cking dog into it. I'll have no f*cking swearing in this house. 

MAXXIE: Mum f*cking swears at you all the time. 

TONY: Don't wait. 

JAL: We said we'd take you home. 

TONY: Don't wanna go home. 

ANSWAR: Groove up on the party. Yo, when I'm cruising in my Lamborghini. The chicks see me, they go, "Mmm, wow, he's so sexy" And I might get my sh*t for the end of the night, 'cause p*ssy is p*ssy and baby, you're p*ssy for life. I wanna f*ck you, f*ck you. You already know I wanna f*ck you, f*ck you... 

ANWAR: Argh! Ow! Oh... f*ck' hell... Sorry. I gotta remember to stand pimp in these. 

JAL: What's happening, "blood"? 

ANWAR: I'm in for some serious slippy-slidey todger action at this party, man! 

CHRIS: It's not...really a party. 

ANWAR: Are you pissing me? It's the biggest night of the year. Everybody's going! 

CHRIS: Yeah, except Tony. 

ANWAR: Yeah? Shame, man. It's gonna be... Huh! Wah! Chugga-chugga-wah! h*t me! Ow! 

JAL: Tony can't go. Remember? 

TONY: f*ck... 

CHRIS: Yeah... Come on, mate. 

JAL: I told you to keep quiet about the sodding rave. And why are you dressed as a crack dealer? 

ANWAR: You think it's too much? 

JAL: If I'd just met you, Anwar, I'd rather slit my wrists than give you one. 

ANWAR: That's because you don't give anyone one. Yeah? Watch out or they'll take your tits into care. 

JAL: Huh? 

ANWAR: Because they don't get out enough. (Anwar starts laughing) You geddit? Your tits... 

ANWAR: Hello, Mr Stonem. 

TONY'S DAD: Wondered where you were. (Tony walks inside)Thanks for bringing him back. 

CHRIS: That's all right. No problem. Maybe we'll pop round... (Tony's Dad closes the door) ...tomorrow. Let's go get f*cked. 

TONY'S MUM: Are you not going to have anything, Tony? 

TONY: No. 

TONY'S MUM: OK. So, um, what did you get up to today? 

TONY'S DAD: He shouldn't be going out! I mean, he's wandering around, God knows where... 

TONY'S MUM: Jim... 

TONY'S DAD: We don't even know who he's with! 

TONY'S MUM: Jim... 

TONY'S DAD: I mean, he could have a bleed or a fit or... 

TONY'S MUM: Yeah, Jim. He's here. 

TONY'S DAD: Oh, f*ck it. 

TONY: f*ck it. 

EFFY: f*ck it. 

TONY'S DAD: All right, all right. Just... for Christ's sake, eat something! Look, Mum's made it easy. It's all...lovely and... bite-sized. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Come on, let's talk about something else. Come on. 

TONY'S MUM: Yeah, yeah, ok. Um, what do you want to talk about? 

TONY: Dirty jokes. 

TONY'S MUM: What? 

TONY: Maxxie's mum says your jokes are filthy. 

TONY'S MUM: You saw Jackie Oliver today? 

TONY'S DAD: Jackie probably was thinking about someone else. Right, Anthea? 

TONY'S MUM: Yeah, yeah... Anyway... This mate of mine's been going to the doctor, yeah? 

TONY'S DAD: Who's that? 

TONY'S MUM: Er, don't think you know him. Um, anyway he had to have some tests. He had palpitations or something... So, he eventually goes back to the doctor to get the results and, er, the doctor says, "Sit down. I'm afraid there's good news and there's bad news. The bad news is you've only got a month to live." My mate's like, devastated, he's gutted. But he pulls himself together and he says, "What's the good news?". And the doctor says, "See my new receptionist? Blonde. Great arse. Huge tits. Well, I'm f*cking her." 

EFFY: That's crap. 

TONY: Yeah... 

TONY'S MUM: My name's Anthea Stonem. Thank you and good night. 

TONY: They'll take her tits into care... They're gonna... They don't get out enough! I got it! I got it! 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Look, I've told you before, he's not leaving college. That's it! 

MAXXIE'S MUM: You don't need to be such a monster man about it! > 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Who's being a monster man? 

MAXXIE'S MUM: You is. 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Bollocks! 

MAXXIE'S MUM: What's eating you, you big old bully!? 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Nothing! Nothing. Just, just leave it alone. He's not leaving, that's final. 

BANDY: All right, Walter. 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Bandy... How you doin'? 

BANDY: Only passable, Walter. It seems like my Dale has overstepped his mouth. 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Little misunderstanding, that's it. 

BANDY (to the boy): What have you gotta say, dildohead? 

DALE: Sorry, Mr Oliver. 

BANDY: And...? 

DALE: Sorry, Max. 

BANDY: He's baked a cake of remorse. 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Very nice. 

BANDY: So we're all right then, Walter? 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Water under the bridge, Bandy. How's the wife? 

BANDY: Oh, not bad. They gave her early release. Still gotta wear the electronic tag, of course. 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Bummer. 

BANDY: Yeah. And they've banned her for life from operating a concrete mixer or a cattle prod. 

MAXXIE'S DAD: It's probably for the best.

TONY'S DAD: Oh, Tony! For f*ck's sake. Come on! (Tony's dad wrestles Tony onto his bed.) f*cking hell. 

TONY: Get off! 

TONY'S DAD: Oh, f*ck. 

MAXXIE: Tony? Are you all right? 

TONY: No. Nobody wants me to come out any more. 

MAXXIE: Oh, f*ck it. Come anyway. 

TONY: My dad won't let me go back to college. 

MAXXIE: And mine won't let me leave. We're both bummed, bruv. 

TONY: Why doesn't Sid come any more? Can't remember when he was here. 

MAXXIE: He misses you, Tony. 

TONY: I miss me. 

MAXXIE: Come out. I'll get you dancing. 

TONY: Yeah? You gonna gay me? 

MAXXIE: Hey...Tony's here. 

MAXXIE: Who's that? 

KENNETH: Hello, everybody. I'd like to sing a little ditty that I hope you'll rather enjoy. Alastair, would you mind pressing play, please? Thanks awfully. Raaaas! Gimme a riddim blood. Mi gonna tear it up with a back ender. I wanna hear it big, blud. I wanna hear it h*t out, blud! I wanna hear it massive! 'Cause we're takin' it uptown! 

CHRIS: Hey Maxxie! 

TONY: f*ck me... You're just a kid. 

EFFY: You're mental. 

TONY: Thanks. 

EFFY: Ready? 

CHRIS: Hey, Jal! Where's your moves? 

ANWAR: f*ck me senseless. 

CHRIS: Whoa! 

MAXXIE: Yeah. He's hot, man. 

CHRIS: Ah, you gay boy! 

MAXXIE: Shut it! 

SID: Here I come, Cas. I'm coming! 

EFFY: It's OK, Tony. Come on. 

ABIGAIL : No way. Look who's coming. It's Tony Stonem. 

ABIGAIL: Oh, my God Tony, hi! You look so, so OK. Not like... Well, they said you were like a total mong, and I would have been so pissed if you were a vegetable and had to be switched off, yah? 

TONY: Do I know you? 

ABIGAIL: Tony! You do... You know me really rather well. Remember? You were a very naughty boy. But I forgive you... (She glances down at his cortch.) Is it all still working, yah? 

TONY: Sorry. Can't place you. 

ABIGAIL: You remember, Tony. How you said I was like your total dream shag? 

TONY: I said that? 

ABIGAIL: Because Michelle had the funny tits, and was so boring, and you wanted to go out with me because I had the longest tongue you ever... 

EFFY: He can't...place you. 

ABIGAIL: Oh... 

EFFY: Come on, Tone. 

EFFY: Tongue? 

TONY: Oh, yeah. 

TONY: Ah! Get off! Ahh! Help! Wanna get out! 

MAXXIE: Tony! Tony! Tony! 

MAXXIE: Get the f*ck out of my way, will you! 

MAXXIE: Tony! Tone? Tone? Tone? Stop f*cking about, yeah? Wait... Wait. 

BOY 1: All right, Blowjob. 

BOY 2: f*g. 

DALE: Cocksucker! 

BOY 3: w*nk*r! 

BOY 4: All right, gay boy? 

ALL: f*cking get him! Get him! 

MAXXIE: Tossers. 

DALE: Sent them the other way. 

MAXXIE: The f*cking cake. I should've knew it when I saw the hundreds and thousands. 

DALE: Lemon Drizzle. It's a piece of piss. 

MAXXIE: Dale, you can't just treat me like shit and then just... Just... Ah...f*ck it! 

(Maxxie's house.) 

MAXXIE'S MUM: Jim? What's wrong? 

TONY'S DAD: Sorry it's so late... I've lost Tony. 

TONY'S DAD: He doesn't answer his phone. I don't even know if he can. I can't keep him in. But... He's not right. 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Who is? Everything's mental. This competition last week. f*cking break-dancing chihuahua. I mean, what's it come to? 

TONY'S DAD: Right. You never know what's gonna happen till you're sitting in a hospital. And I'm thinking, I've really, really f*cked up here, because I'm supposed to stop this happening. And now I don't know where he is. Something happens, suddenly you've lost them.

MAXXIE'S DAD: His friends'll look after him. 

(Outside the club.) 

MICHELLE: What you on? 

SID: Cass sent me a tab. 

MICHELLE: She misses you, right? I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I go to see him. I went to see him. 

SID: Well, I suppose you deserve some fun. 

MICHELLE: Those guys just like my tits. 

SID: Oh. Sweet. You're avoiding me. 

MICHELLE: You make me think about him. 

SID: You're not the only one, Chelle. I was there every day trying to get him to say something. And everybody really, really f*cked up and I'm just trying to... to... And nobody comes but me 'cause it's so terrible. You should have f*cking helped me. 

MICHELLE: All right! When it happened... before the bus... ..he was on the phone and he said something. I don't think he remembers. But he said... 

SID: Chelle. 

MICHELLE: f*ck's sake, I'm trying to tell you this! 

MICHELLE: Oh, Jesus! Tony? 

TONY: Hello. 

SID: Wait, I'll go back with you. 

TONY: Effy's taking me. I will remember everything. 

SID: Where are you going? 

MICHELLE: Not now, Sid!

TONY: Got lost. Where do I f*cking live? 

[Maxxie's house.]

MAXXIE'S MUM: Walter will run him round in the morning. Look, don't worry yourselves, OK. She's a bit upset. 

MAXXIE: Yeah. 

MAXXIE'S MUM: College starts today. He's in there, love. Talking, not shouting. 

MAXXIE: OK.

MAXXIE'S DAD: Lovely bit of cake, that. Young Dale's got the magic touch. 

MAXXIE: He's got that all right. 

MAXXIE'S DAD: You're good enough. 

MAXXIE: Yeah. I am. I'm bloody good. 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Get it from your old man, probably. 

MAXXIE: Reckon? 

MAXXIE'S DAD: I'm artistic, yeah. Not as artistic as you, mind. 

MAXXIE: Some things is just the way they are. 

MAXXIE'S DAD: Yup. I got lucky, didn't I? You didn't turn out like the f*cking ASBO Army out there. 

MAXXIE: No, Dad. 

MAXXIE'S DAD: I feel like taking some f*cking credit for it. OK? 

MAXXIE: I'm never gonna be a builder, Dad. 

MAXXIE'S DAD: You'll understand this one day, kid. You're everything I've got to show for my life. And I'm not ready for you to go, because I f*cking love you too much. I'm an idiot, I know. 

MAXXIE: I love you too, Dad. 

MAXXIE'S DAD: So if you're not coming building, back to college. Give me the last year. And then it's game on. All right? 

MAXXIE: All right. 

MAXXIE'S DAD (to the dog): Taz. On your bed. At least the sodding dog does what he's told. 

[Maxxie's room.] 

TONY: I can register if I write my name. 

MAXXIE: It's more than that, Tony. It's not just signing your name. 

TONY: Then f*cking help me! Or are you going to be a complete f*cking arse-wit like everyone f*cking else I know?

MAXXIE: Whoa! He speaks. You gotta slow it down. Stop trying to write. It's just a shape your hand makes. Close your eyes and just kinda... dance it. 

(Tony closes his eyes.) 

MAXXIE: Tone. 

(Tony opens his eyes. He sees he has written his name.) 

TONY: Do I have to gay you now?
{"type": "series", "show": "Skins", "episode": "2x01 - Tony and Maxxie"}