[Scene opens to a close-up of a doctor talking to a couple in a hospital room. The camera pulls back and we see the mother (Melanie) in the bed holding an infant and the father (Joseph) standing by the bedside]

Doctor: I want to reassure you, your child can have a completely normal life.

Joseph: How can a baby have male and female DNA?

Doctor: It’s a condition called Genetic Mosaicism. The ambiguous genitalia can be surgically repaired.

Melanie: Repaired?

Doctor: Made to look more typical.

Melanie: More typical? But you haven’t even told us if the baby is a boy or a girl.

Doctor: That’s — that’s a choice you have to make.

[Flash forward 13 years to the present. We are now watching a Jr. High basketball game in which the baby in question (Jackson) is a participant (as a boy). His Mother and Father are in the stands cheering him on. Jackson has the ball.]

Melanie: (clapping and cheering) Good job Jackson.

[We see Jackson dribble up the court, pass the ball to another player, and then get the ball back again]

Melanie: (softer this time) Take it. (Meaning, take the sh*t)

[Jackson hesitates, then passes the ball to another player who takes the sh*t and misses]

Melanie: (disappointed) He had the sh*t. He lost his nerve.

Joseph: Honey its OK, he’s doing great.

[Jackson gets the ball again]

Melanie: Three.

[In slow motion we see Jackson trying to make a decision. He sees the time clock counting down the last 4 seconds of the game. He takes the sh*t and makes a basket just as the buzzer sounds. The crowd cheers, with the camera on his ecstatic parents. Jackson gets high fives from his teammates]

Melanie and Joseph: Whooo!

Joseph: (enthusiastically) No fear that time.

[Jackson waves to his parents in the stands. They are clapping. Then Jackson bends over, clutching his stomach. He goes down on his knees and collapses to the floor. His father sees it from the stands]

Joseph: Melanie!

Melanie: Oh my God! Jackson?

[Jackson’s father, teammates, and his coach all cluster around him]

[Opening Credits]

[Open to Foreman and Thirteen juggling for position in front of a full length mirror while getting ready for work. Thirteen chuckles]

Thirteen: (moving in front of Foreman) Black heels or the boots?

Foreman: You know I’m a fan of those heels.

Thirteen: (looking over her shoulder at Foreman) Boots it is.

[She sits down on the bed to put on her boots]

Thirteen: For all we know, House knows you’re a fan of those heels.

Foreman: (tying his tie in front of the mirror) Like House is going to find out we faked our breakup because of your shoes? (thinking) Go with the boots.

[Cut to House and Wilson eating together in the hospital cafeteria]

House: You gonna eat that? (meaning Wilson’s breakfast)

Wilson: Have at it.

[Pan wide to see Cuddy entering the cafeteria]

Wilson: Did you just ask my permission before you took my food?

House: Yes we can.

[Cuddy comes up to them with a file in her hand]

Cuddy: Adolescent genetic mosaic collapsed during a basketball game, presenting with persistent pelvic pain.

House: (reaching up to take the file) Fun!

Cuddy: The parents haven’t told their son that he could have been their daughter. They want assurance that you won’t either.

House: Less fun, but still.

[House takes the file and heads out the door leaving both Cuddy and Wilson speechless]

Cuddy: That was easy.

[Cut to House and the team in the conference room. House is standing, the team is sitting around the table]

House: (throwing a patient file to each member of the team) Our new patient, part girl, part boy, all Thirteen’s dream date.

[Thirteen gives him a disgusted look]

Foreman: Severe pelvic pain started during a basketball game, could be dehydration.

Kutner: ER gave him fluids when he came in.

Foreman: Still, it feels chronic.

Taub: We got a kid who could mate with himself and we think he didn’t have enough to drink? There are dozens of intersex disorders, persistent pelvic pain could mean Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia, PMDS?

Kutner: Those conditions occur in intersex kids who are chromosomally XX or XY, not XX and XY. Parents recently started him on testosterone, maybe there’s something —

Thirteen: Vitamins wouldn’t cause pelvic pain. (There’s a pause and everyone looks at her) There’s a note in here, we’re supposed to refer to his testosterone sh*ts as vitamins. His parents aren’t just liars, they want us to be liars too.

House: I won’t do it. (pause) You guys will though.

Taub: He’s a kid. Parents don’t think he’s ready to deal with it.

Thirteen: My dad was the same way about me maybe having Huntingtons, its —

House: Well that was your experience. Must surely apply in this situation.

[Thirteen looks hurt]

Thirteen: Pain could be caused by a blind uterus hidden in his abdomen. He needs an MRI.

Foreman: Right, boy with girl genes; I’m sure you’re the first doctor brilliant enough to check for a uterus. He could have complications from the surgeries on his penis, that can cause pelvic pain.

House: Way to multitask, impress your boss and humiliate your ex. MRI’s a waste of time. To continue the humiliation, go put a camera up his penis.

[Jackson’s parents come into the room without knocking just as House and the team are heading toward the door]

Melanie: Your Dr. House, aren’t you? What do you think is wrong with our son?

House: (clearly surprised at their by their unannounced entrance) These people were just coming to tell you. This is better, don’t have to worry about them losing their way.

Melanie: We think that he has a blind uterus, he should have an MRI.

House: (looking at Thirteen) Did you send them a text?

Joseph: Over the past thirteen years, we’ve educated ourselves.

House: Well, who needs med school when you’ve got Wi-Fi? (to the team) Go schedule their son for an MRI with contrast right away.

Joseph: Thank you. (Joseph and Melanie leave)

[The team heads out to do the test and House heads to his office. Kutner stops him for a moment]

Kutner: You just said an MRI was a waste of time.

House: So’s arguing with them.

[Kutner, looking puzzled, follows Taub and Thirteen]

[Cut to Jackson sliding into the MRI machine then to Taub and Thirteen in the control room]

Thirteen: Contrast in.

Taub: (talking into the microphone) Jackson, we’re going to get started so try to lie still.

Taub: (to Thirteen) How long do you think the post-breakup awkwardness is going to last?

Thirteen: Foreman and I are both professionals. (then, talking about the scan) Stomach and liver are clear.

Taub: If by professional you mean he’s a T1000 built by Cyberdine Systems? I never understood what you saw in him.

Thirteen: He’s not really your type huh? (talking about the scan) Moving down for the pelvic floor.

Taub: Here’s my impression of Foreman on the happiest day of his life. (he turns toward Thirteen with a blank expression on his face) Now the saddest day of his life. (same blank expression)

Thirteen: We just broke up. I’m not quite ready to mock him yet.

Taub: House was a jerk to split you two up, but, bottom line, he did you a favor.

Thirteen: Area around the intestinal tract is clear. No blind uterus. (Thirteen gets out of her chair and goes out the door)

[Cut to Wilson sitting at his desk in his office. Kutner opens the door and remains standing in the doorway]

Kutner: I think, there’s something wrong with House.

Wilson: Who’s he making miserable now?

Kutner: Actually, no one. He OK’d an MRI just because the parents wanted to look for a blind uterus. There was no fighting, no arguing, he just went along.

Wilson: It’s a valid medical theory.

Kutner: He doesn’t think it is. House, decided to humor, these parents.

Wilson: Maybe he had a great cup of coffee, or a tremendous bowel movement. Bottom line is your boss is in a good mood, stop analyzing it and just enjoy it.

[Kutner gives a slight nod and leaves. Camera on Wilson, who is just as curious about House’s behavior as Kutner]

[Cut to Taub and Thirteen in Jackson’s hospital room]

Thirteen: We’re going to use this scope to fill your bladder with saline, than examine your urethra for any narrow spots.

Jackson: Why would there be a narrow spot?

Taub: Sometimes it just happens.

[Thirteen gives Taub a look of disdain. It is obvious she doesn’t like lying to Jackson]

Jackson: Can my parents come in?

Taub: Sure.

Thirteen: I thought it would be awkward for you, having them here.

Jackson: I have this feeling they’ve seen me naked before.

[Melanie and Joseph come into the room]

Taub: (about to perform the test) Now take a breath, just try to relax.

[Jackson is very nervous. He looks to his Mother for support]

Jackson: Mom. (Melanie comes to him beside the bed)

Melanie: Its okay honey. Its okay. Hey, remember those sprints they made you run in practice? Those were so hard, but you pulled through. You can do this too. (She kisses him on the forehead)

[Jackson is squirming and looking very uncomfortable]

Taub: Up to the bladder, start the saline.

[Cut to an image of what the scope is seeing]

Taub: I’m going to look around and pull back on the scope. (Jackson whimpers)

Jackson: (very tense) It feels tight.

Thirteen: That pressure’s normal, just try to hold on for a few more minutes.

Jackson: (groaning) Its not down there, its my chest (putting his hand on his chest).

[A machine starts beeping; Thirteen hurries to get a stethoscope and listens to Jackson’s chest]

Jackson: (breathlessly) Can’t breath, can’t, can’t breath.

[Taub pulls out the scope]

Joseph: Is he okay?

Thirteen: Muffled heart sounds. Jugular’s distended.

Taub: Pericardial effusion we need ten gauge and a syringe.

Melanie: What’s happening?

Thirteen: His heart is filling with exudate, if we don’t drain it, it will stop beating. (She jams a syringe into his chest and pulls up on the plunger)

[Cut to the conference room. The entire team and House are sitting around the table]

Thirteen: We drained the fluid from his pericardial space; his heartrate is back to normal.

Taub: Pelvis, plus heart, doesn’t fit with any of the syndromes associated with mosaicism.

[The camera has pulled back to reveal House at the head of the table. He is holding his cane in both hands under his chin]

Foreman: Could be drugs, toxins, an infection?

Kutner: (to House) You’re okay with this?

House: (who looks bored) With what?

Kutner: That we’re considering a diagnosis unrelated to this kid being a shemale. Assuming a coincidence like that would usually t*rture you, but you’re completely unfazed.

House: Completely unfazed? You think I’m totally lacking in any fazing? The idea that I’m anything less than half-fazed, I actually find offensive. It greatly fazes me.

Thirteen: He started testosterone —

House: Vitamins

Thirteen: (continuing) A few months ago. That can cause autoimmune diseases like Polyarteritis and SLE, which can cause pericardial effusion and pelvic pain. So it is related.

House: Now I’m unfazed. Start him on corticosteroids for the autoimmune and Finasteride to block the vitamins.

[Cut to Wilson entering Cuddy’s office]

Wilson: You slept with House.

[Cuddy (standing behind her desk) puts down the file she was looking at]

Wilson: He asked permission before taking my bagel, took the case without a fight, honored the parents’ request for an MRI.

Cuddy: Yes, those were my terms for sleeping with him.

Wilson: He’s in a good mood.

Cuddy: Sex with me would explain that, but it doesn’t explain why I’m not curled up in a ball weeping in shame. (She sits down) I did not have sex with House.

Wilson: If you two aren’t keeping something from me that means he’s keeping something from both of us. That can’t be good.

Cuddy: Or he’s just in a good mood, this is not a crisis. Maybe you can get back some of that money he owes you?

Wilson: (considering what Cuddy just said) Hmm.

[Wilson leaves the office. Cuddy looks concerned]

[Cut to Thirteen talking with Melanie and Joseph in a waiting area]

Melanie: Testosterone blocker? Does that mean if Jackson has SLE or whatever that other thing was that he’d have to go off the hormones?

Thirteen: Probably.

Melanie: Then Jackson will stop developing, he’ll never go through puberty.

Joseph: Maybe this isn’t what’s wrong with him. Maybe the testosterone didn’t cause it.

Melanie: Yeh, but if it is, then he’ll never be a man. Did we make the wrong choice?

Joseph: You’ll need to tell him the testosterone blocker is something else.

Thirteen: Or maybe this is a good opportunity to tell him the truth. It might make it simpler, for all of you.

Melanie: You want us to tell a sick adolescent boy that he’s really not an adolescent boy. That doesn’t seem simpler to me. No, just, (signing the consent form) give him the meds.

[Cut to an exam room in the clinic. House’s patient is a twenty something male]

House: So, you have pain in one arm and both your legs. Does it hurt right now?

Ian: No, its, when, I like put pressure on them. See, it hurts when I do this, (with his right forefinger, he pokes himself on his upper left arm) Ow, and this, (pokes himself on his left thigh) Ow, and this, (pokes himself on his right knee) Ow.

House: (taking the patient’s right forefinger and squeezing it) How about this?

Ian: Owwwwwwwwwwwwww!

[House sits back with a look of incredulity on his face]

[Cut to Cuddy talking to a nurse at the Clinic desk]

Cuddy: Did you give House the moron with the broken finger?

Nurse Helen: They’ve been in room two about ten minutes.

Cuddy: The patient should have been screaming for another doctor seven minutes ago.

[Cuddy and Helen look to see House and Ian coming out of the exam room]

Ian: (holding up his bandaged right forefinger) Thanks brah.

[House nods, puts the file in the rack and then walks away, twirling his cane]

[Cuddy realizes something weird is going on]

[Cut to Jackson’s hospital room. Thirteen is preparing to give him an injection]

Jackson: If I have this IV, why do I need a sh*t too?

Thirteen: Just some extra medicine, just to be safe. I hear you’re quite the basketball player, what position?

Jackson: Point guard.

Thirteen: Small forward. How’s your crossover dribble?

Jackson: It’s okay, I’m not really that into basketball.

Thirteen: You’re going to feel a little pinch, okay. So, if you’re not that into it, why’d you join the team?

Jackson: My Mom kinda made me do it.

Thirteen: My parents were the same way, always pushing me to try new things.

Jackson: It was more like what she didn’t want me to try. (pause) I wanted to take dance, but she flipped out and made me choose between basketball and hockey.

Thirteen: What does you’re Dad say?

Jackson: He seemed okay with it, than he just caved into my Mom.

Thirteen: (looking at Jackson’s hand) Your palm is red.

Jackson: What’s that mean?

Thirteen: That we still don’t know what’s wrong with you.

[Cut to Cuddy poking her head into Wilson’s office]

Cuddy: You were right; he is in a good mood.

[Cut to the conference room. We can see House asleep in the Eames chair in his office. Foreman is sitting at the table when Kutner comes in sipping a drink from a straw and carrying a styrofoam food container]

Kutner: (to Foreman) Bummer it didn’t work out with you and Thirteen.

Foreman: It happens.

Kutner: You guys seemed happy together. It’s probably for the best, you know, the bisexual thing and all.

Foreman: It was never an issue.

Kutner: No, it never is, until it is. This is Thirteen. Before you guys got together she was hooking up with a different girl every night. Long term you really think you could compete with that?

[Kutner looks to House’s office where Cuddy and Wilson have just entered, cut to the office where House is still asleep in the chair]

Cuddy: House, we have to talk.

Wilson: Stop pretending to be asleep, we’re not leaving. House. (Wilson kicks the ottoman. House’s head lolls to the side, he does not wake up)

Kutner: (still in the conference room, but watching through the glass) What’s going on?

Wilson: House, (he’s worried now. He leans down to feel for a pulse) House.

[Kutner runs into the office and Foreman is up and running also]

Wilson: He’s not breathing.

Cuddy: Can you get a pulse?

Wilson: Barely.

Cuddy: (to Kutner) Call a code.

Wilson: Get an ambu bag from the nurses station.

[Kutner runs to the phone]

Foreman: Heart’s still working that means synapsis is still f*ring, we just need to get a message through.

[Foreman rips House’s shirt open and twists his left nipple. House comes instantly to consciousness with a cry of agony and a huge intake of air]

House: Aaahh!

Wilson: You stopped breathing.

Cuddy: What the hell is going on? (Close-up of House who looks guilty)

[Cut to close-up of House using an oxygen mask. Cuddy is using a light to check his pupils. The whole team is now in the office]

House: I think my penis stopped breathing; do you know CPR?

Cuddy: Looks like your brain is Okay. Pupils are equal, round, and reactive.

House: I’m fine, other than the fact that my nurple is now purple. (to Thirteen) No wonder you broke up with him. I’m surprised yours are still attached.

[Thirteen gives him a look and glances at Foreman]

House: (to Thirteen) By the way, I can see that from here. I assume those are our patient’s lab results.

Thirteen: Patient can wait; you could have died.

Wilson: The only reason you’d ignore a near death experience is you don’t care or you already know why it happened.

House: Its called Vicodin, I took too many.

[Cuddy now has a stethoscope out and is checking House’s heart]

House: (loudly) Can I please get some information about our patient?

[Cuddy flinches at the volume and takes the stethoscope earpieces out of her ears]

Thirteen: Patient’s palms are red; lab tests confirm liver and kidney dysfunction.

Kutner: I don’t remember you taking any Vicodin today.

House: I don’t remember hiring my Mother. What causes the enzymes in little Boy George’s existing heart problem and pelvic pain?

Wilson: You didn’t take any yesterday at breakfast either.

House: I don’t remember having breakfast with my Mother.

Foreman: Amyloidosis with systemic involvement.

Thirteen: Protein levels are normal. This kid’s depressed, if he’s self-medicating with drugs and alcohol that would explain his symptoms.

House: Search the school; search the home.

Kutner: Seriously, or are you just deflecting?

House: Both. (He gets up from the chair)

Cuddy: Where are you going?

House: (grabbing his jacket) Nowhere, I’m staying right here, so we can properly discuss this. (He walks out the door)

Wilson: (realizing something) He’s on Heroin.

Cuddy: How can you? —

Wilson: Number one, he’s happy, which means he’s high. Number two, when he moved his bad leg he didn’t use his hands to support it. Whatever he’s taking, it’s stronger than Vicodin.

Cuddy: What are we gonna do?

[Cut to Thirteen and Foreman searching Jackson’s bedroom]

Thirteen: You really think House took too many Vicodin?

Foreman: The guy pops’em like candy, I’m surprised it hasn’t happened before. You miss sleeping with women?

Thirteen: Excuse me?

Foreman: Simple question.

Thirteen: Yes. It’s a simple answer.

Foreman: I’ll check under the bed.

Thirteen: I also miss sleeping with other men and I’m sure you miss sleeping with other women. Monogamy is like saying your never going to have any other ice cream flavor besides rocky road.

Foreman: So, your saying, if you don’t have pink bubble gum for a while that one day you’re going to chase down the ice cream truck?

Thirteen: No. Rocky Road is great. It’s a very delicious and complicated flavor. I also know that if I have other flavors, then rocky road is going to be left in the freezer where anyone can just, dip in. Can we please drop the metaphor? (She finds a piece of paper in a desk drawer). Why is this coming up now?

Foreman: Kutner said the silver lining of our breakup was, I wouldn’t be dumped for a girl. (talking about their search) There’s nothing in here either, seems like we’re wrong about this kid having drug or alcohol —

Thirteen: When did he bring that up?

Foreman: Earlier today, right before —

Thirteen: This morning Taub called you a robot.

Foreman: Huh! Either it’s a big coincidence or, their jerking us around. They know.

Thirteen: And if they know, House knows. This is bad.

Foreman: No, this is good. House only has two ways to handle us going out, he jerks us around or he fires us. He chose option A; this is good.

[Thirteen unfolds the paper she found and reads it]

Thirteen: But this is bad.

[Cut to House’s office. Foreman and Thirteen are back from the search. House is pretending to be asleep in his office chair. Kutner is sitting in the Eames chair holding an ambu bag]

Thirteen: (reading from the paper she found in Jackson’s desk) “I stand alone my soul and me, beneath the mask that others” (pause as she looks at House) “see.” (She looks back at Kutner questioningly)

Kutner: His chest is still rising. He’s just screwing with me cause Cuddy made me babysit.

Thirteen: (continuing) “A pain that tears and bites and will not bend, only when I sleep, will it end.”

House: Downer, and medically ire… (his voice fades out as if he’s falling back asleep)

Thirteen: (to Kutner) You sure his chest is moving?

Kutner: House? (He gets out of the chair and moves toward House)

Foreman: If he’s faking you think he’s going to come clean because you said his name?

House: (to Kutner with his eyes still closed) Back off. Only Thirteen gets to grab my nipples this time.

Thirteen: You know, recreating the moment when you made us crap our pants isn’t actually all that funny.

[House opens his right eye a crack]

Foreman: (quietly to Thirteen) That is sweet that you’re worried about House.

[House finally lifts his head up]

House: Unless the next stanza reads, “Hoping to fry my brain to death, I smoked some primo crystal meth,” I’m not interested.

Thirteen: You can’t deny that this kid may be suicidal.

House: We’re not here to make him happy; we’re here to diagnose him.

[Taub comes into the office]

Taub: It’s an infection. Swab of the kid’s water bottle turned up Toxoplasmosis.

Thirteen: I’ll start him on Pyrimethamine. (She leaves)

[Foreman continues to stare at House with his arms crossed. House stares back]

[Cut to Thirteen showing Jackson’s parents the poem she found in his desk. They are standing outside Jackson’s hospital room]

Melanie: (worried) I had no idea he felt this way.

Joseph: Is there a therapist here that you can recommend?

Thirteen: It might help more if you talk to him.

Melanie: (shaking her head) He’s not ready.

Joseph: If telling him the truth would help him stop feeling like this.

Melanie: If I knew that it would make him less confused I’d tell him right now, but if she’s wrong we’d only make things worse.

Thirteen: He obviously senses he’s different. He’s looking for answers.

Melanie: Every teenager feels different. He’s sick; this isn’t the time to spring this on him. (She looks at her husband)

Joseph: Okay.

Melanie: When you give Jackson the antibiotics, will you please restart the testosterone?

Thirteen: Sure.

[Cut to the doctor’s locker room. Kutner and Taub are getting ready to go home when Foreman walks in]

Foreman: I get House wanting to jerk me and Thirteen around, but you guys?

Kutner: Told you they were still together. (He turns toward Taub with his hand out)

Foreman: How’d he know?

[Taub hands Kutner some money]

Taub: Noticed you smell like Thirteen’s soap every morning.

Foreman: (to Kutner) You figured it out?

Kutner: Yes, I’m a little slow; maybe someone should let me know when I should be insuIted.

Foreman: Than House doesn’t know.

Kutner: He probably does now that you felt her up during that last differential.

Foreman: You noticed this, but House didn’t?

Kutner: Yes, I get it; He’s generally smarter than me. Can we please move on?

Foreman: He’s not generally smarter than you; he’s always smarter than you. Unless?

[A phone rings, and we cut to Wilson sitting at a table in a restaurant. He answers the phone]

Wilson: Hello.

[Cut to Foreman calling from House’s office]

Foreman: House is on Heroin.

[House is sitting at the table across from Wilson eating a burger]

Wilson: (haltingly) Well, that’s certainly, an interesting notion.

Foreman: It’s why his lungs stopped, its why he OK’d the MRI, its why he missed things he wouldn’t ordinarily miss.

Wilson: Uh, we’ll runs some tests, and I’ll let you know.

[A waitress puts two drinks on the table]

Foreman: He’s there isn’t he?

Wilson: Well that would certainly explain the inappropriate responses. I gotta go. Okay. (to House while putting his phone back in his pocket) sorry, consult.

House: (about the drinks) When did you order these?

Wilson: When you were in the bathroom. I thought a celebration was in order. To cheating death.

[They toast, but House puts his drink down on the table without drinking]

Wilson: You off bourbon? We can get you something else.

House: I came here expecting a burger. Figured I’d have to endure a little lecture on moderation.

Wilson: You never listen. So why —

House: Instead, I get a drink; a nice little serving of respiratory depressant on the day that my lungs stop working.

Wilson: You seem fine now.

House: You don’t believe that I OD’d on Vicodin. You figure I’m on something stronger, and because you can never, ever assume anything but the most screwed up scenario as far as I’m concerned —

Wilson: Funny how I’m usually right.

House: You think that I’m on Heroin. This is your version of a tox screen. Because if I am on Heroin; I can’t drink that without risking another bout of not breathing.

Wilson: Well? (Wanting House to prove he’s not on Heroin)

[House drinks the bourbon, and Wilson looks confused and frustrated]

House: Goodnight. (He gets up from the table and leaves)

[Cut to Jackson’s hospital room. Thirteen is preparing to give him an injection]

Jackson: Another sh*t?

Thirteen: I'm afraid so.

Jackson: That looks like the vitamins my parents give me, same red top.

Thirteen: These aren't vitamins.

Jackson: What is it?

Thirteen: I can't tell you that. You should ask your parents.

[Cut to the ally behind the restaurant where Wilson and House were eating. House is vomiting behind a car]

Wilson: You idiot!

House: Okay, I admit it. I have bulimia. I look good though, don't I?

Wilson: Heroin. Heroin! House, of all the stupid —

House: I'm not on heroin.

Wilson: (angry) I just caught you with your fingers down your throat.

House: I'm on methadone. Stupid product. Heroin without the high.

Wilson: Yeah, and twice the risk of death.

House: But no risk of arrest.

Wilson: You nearly died.

House: Today was a fluke. I nodded off.

Wilson: Right, you're safe as long as you never sleep again. Mistime your dose, you die. Couple of drinks, you die. Mix it with the wrong drugs, you die. You want to detox from Vicodin? Pick something that won't k*ll you.

House: I'm not detoxing.

Wilson: If you're looking for something to help with your pain —

House: Doesn't help my pain, it eliminates it. (House tosses his cane into a nearby dumpster and turns to walk away. He pauses) My leg doesn't hurt anymore. (He walks out toward the street leaving Wilson bewildered)

[Cut to Melanie and Joseph talking to Cuddy in her office]

Melanie: She completely disregarded our instructions.

Thirteen: He asked a question. I was tired of lying. I didn't tell him anything about his genetic condition.

Melanie: I want her removed from our son's case.

Cuddy: I'm sorry for the position Dr. Hadley put you in, but I can't do that. She's a valuable part of Dr. House's diagnostic team. If he stays on the case, so does she.

Joseph: We have to deal with Jackson. These questions aren't gonna go away.

Melanie: He's not ready for this.

Joseph: Let's hope you're wrong.

[Joseph leaves the office and Melanie reluctantly follows]

Thirteen: (to Cuddy) I'm sorry. I'll stay away from their son.

Cuddy: No — you won't. In about 15 minutes, you're the only person that kid's gonna trust. If he needs a hand to hold, make sure yours is available. (Thirteen nods and leaves the offices. Cuddy looks frustrated)

[Cut to Jackson’s hospital room. His father is sitting on the bed explaining his genetics to him]

Jackson: So what? Am I a boy or a girl?

Joseph: Some of your cells are male… and some are female.

Jackson: So basically I'm a freak.

Joseph: No, no, buddy. You're just a little different.

Jackson: You've known this...since I was born, and you never told me.

Joseph: We didn't want you to be confused.

Jackson: So you lied to me.

Melanie: Oh, please, sweetie, we were just trying to protect you.

Jackson: Don't. Just leave me alone. Get out.

Melanie: (to Joseph) Let's go.

[They leave. Jackson is crying. As his father looks back at him, he turns his head away, ignoring him]

[Cut to a hospital bathroom. House is sitting on the toilet in one of the stalls reading a journal. Cuddy is outside the stall door]

Cuddy: You still breathing in there? 'Cause if not, I'm sending in janitorial.

House: I'm not breathing, but it's strictly voluntary. Should've seen the guy who was in here before me.

Cuddy: I know about the methadone.

House: (sighing) It's legal. I have a prescription.

Cuddy: Whatever doctor you conned into writing it clearly had no idea about your addiction issues — Your lack of —

House: He knows I'm in pain. What I put in my body is my business.

Cuddy: You keep taking this, you could die.

House: If you'd said that if I keep doing this you could die, then it'd be your business.

Cuddy: I can't sit by and watch you k*ll yourself. As long as you're in my hospital, you can't do methadone.

[House gets up, opens the door, and throws the journal in the trashcan]

House: I'll send someone for my stuff. (He starts to walk out)

Cuddy: That's it, you're quitting? You're choosing methadone over this job?

House: I'm choosing lack of pain over this job. (He walks out)

[Cut to Jackson’s hospital room. Thirteen is with him]

Thirteen: Eventually you have to talk to your parents again.

Jackson: No, I don't. (Thirteen pulls up a chair and sits down beside the bed) I have this one friend — on my basketball team, Will. We hang out a lot. I really like him. Now I'm worried that I...you know, “like” him. (pause) Maybe I'm supposed to. Because if I'm really a girl.

Thirteen: Do you feel like a girl?

Jackson: I like dancing more than basketball. Is that what that means?

Thirteen: Jackson. As hard — as it is right now, at least it's out in the open.

You don't have to hide behind a mask. I found the poem you wrote in your room. (She hands him the poem) No matter how bad things get, k*lling yourself, is never the answer.

Jackson: (unfolding the paper) This was an English assignment. We were supposed to write a poem in the style of Sylvia Plath.

Thirteen: You don't feel this way?

Jackson: I'm sad sometimes; I don't wanna die. At least, I didn't. (Thirteen looks out of the room at Jackson’s parents, wondering if she made a mistake) Are these antibiotics supposed to make you nauseous?

Thirteen: Yeah, they can.

[Jackson leans over the side of the bed and vomits blood]

[Cut to House standing in front of his bathroom mirror. His pager, which is lying on the sink, beeps three times. He turns if off and tosses it into the wastebasket, then pulls shaving cream and a disposable razor out of a brown paper bag. With the camera sh*t on the mirror, he wets his face, lathers up with shaving cream, washes the shaving cream off of his hands, and prepares to shave],

[Cut to the team coming out of the clinic. Foreman has just talked to Cuddy. They walk toward the elevator]

Foreman: We're on our own.

Taub: Is he okay?

Foreman: He's fine. He's just not here.

Kutner: Did he quit? Did she suspend him?

Foreman: She didn't say. She just told me I was in charge until further notice. So if we add bloody vomit to our patient's list of symptoms.

Thirteen: Surgeon reports the bleeding was caused by a gastric fistula caused by Necrotizing Pancreatitis.

Kutner: She must've told you something.

Foreman: Nothing that would help us with this patient.

Taub: Heart, liver, kidneys, and pancreas. Obviously whatever this kid's got is something systemic.

Thirteen: Zollinger-Ellison?

Taub: Or Systemic Scleroderma.

Thirteen: Zollinger-Ellison fits better.

Foreman: Why?

Kutner: Can we at least call House?

Foreman: We can. I have. He's not answering. Put the patient on proton pump inhibitors. If he gets better, it's Zollinger-Ellison; If not, it's scleroderma.

[Taub and Kutner get on the elevator. Foreman holds Thirteen back]

Foreman: Zollinger-Ellison doesn't fit better. You don't want it to be scleroderma because that means he's gonna die.

Thirteen: Patients die all the time.

Foreman: Not the ones whose family you've ruined. I don't think that, you do. It's not your fault.

Thirteen: He was no more confused than any other teenager. Then I started a f*re and threw gas on it.

Foreman: You were trying to help. (He hugs her)

[Cut to Wilson knocking on House’s apartment door. A woman answers]

Wilson: Hi, is House here?

Woman: (getting ready to leave) He's getting dressed. (She calls to House) I'll be back around 10:00 tonight. (to Wilson as she heads out the door) Go on in.

Wilson: Okay. (Wilson sidles by her like he’s afraid to touch her. He closes the door)

Wilson: (to House) Who was she?

House: I hired her to watch me sleep — make sure I don't stop breathing.

Wilson: Home nurses usually wear scrubs.

House: She's not a nurse.

Wilson: You hired a hooker to watch you sleep? That just can't (He stops as House walks into the living room. He looks astonished)

House: Surprisingly, hookers are cheaper. And they don't sue for sexual harassment. (holding up two ties) Which one?

Wilson: You, shaved.

House: The red one then.

Wilson: You have two ties?

House: (walking across the room to a small mirror on the wall) Meeting at St. Sebastian's today. Gonna try and talk 'em into starting up a diagnostics department.

Wilson: Sounds great. I just came by to check up on you. See how you were doing.

House: (Tying his tie in front of the mirror) I'm fine.

Wilson: I guess you are.

[House finishes tying the tie, snugs it up, and straightens his jacket]

[Cut to Taub talking to Melanie and Joseph outside Jackson’s hospital room]

Joseph: He hasn't responded to the medication at all?

Taub: I'm afraid not. (Thirteen is standing at a nearby counter)

Melanie: So, that means he's got the other thing?

Taub: I'm so sorry. We'll start him on anti-inflammatories. If we're lucky, that will slow down the progression.

[Melanie sees Thirteen and marches up to her, angry]

Melanie: My son has a death sentence and I can't go in there and be with him because of you.

Thirteen: I'm sorry.

Melanie: You find a homework assignment and decide he's suicidal; make it your own personal mission.

Thirteen: I let my feelings —

Melanie: Oh, don't you dare apologize. Like it could absolve you of what you've done to me, my family. He was fine. (Cuddy intervenes)

Cuddy: I understand why you're angry. But this isn't where you belong right now.

Melanie: He won't let us in the room.

Cuddy: He's a teenager, you're his mother. This is not the time to start listening to him. Go be with him. (Melanie walks back toward Jackson’s room.

Thirteen: (to Cuddy) Thank you.

Cuddy: I didn't do it for you.

[Cut to Cuddy’s office, Wilson is there waiting, when Cuddy enters]

Wilson: We made a mistake.

Cuddy: No, we didn't.

Wilson: The methadone's good for him.

Cuddy: The methadone is gonna k*ll him.

Wilson: He shaved. He was wearing a tie. He has a meeting at St. Sebastian.

Cuddy: If he buys a new pair of shoes, should we let him smoke crack?

Wilson: Cuddy, he's happy.

Cuddy: House doesn't do happy, pain or no pain.

Wilson: Okay, maybe, but, he's our friend. And this is his one chance to not be miserable.

[Quick cut to Jackson’s hospital room. His parents are sitting by his bed. His mother puts her hand tentatively on top of her son’s]

[Cut to Thirteen’s apartment. Foreman and Thirteen are again getting ready for work in front of the full length mirror]

Foreman: The heels. Very nice.

Thirteen: No reason not to wear them now that House is gone.

Foreman: You okay?

Thirteen: Yeah. Just tired.

Foreman: Got some good news. Patient's scleroderma is responding to the anti-inflammatory meds. His AST level's dropped a bit.

Thirteen: So he's dying slightly less quickly than we thought. That's great news. (pause) I'm not okay.

Foreman: Next time just say that.

Thirteen: What's his AST?

Foreman: Uh... 185, I think.

Thirteen: That's a pretty fast drop. Are we sure it's from the anti-inflammatories?

Foreman: What else could it be from? He's been off the antibiotics for a while. Proton pump inhibitor's wouldn’t —

Thirteen: He's back on testosterone.

Foreman: Testosterone wouldn't help his liver function.

Thirteen: But it could improve his kidney function, which would also lower his AST.

Foreman: But not in kidneys damaged by scleroderma.

Thirteen: Which means it's not scleroderma.

[Cut to Cuddy’s office. House walks in. He is still clean shaven]

House: I have an interview, in two hours.

Cuddy: Wow.

House: Hand over my letter of recommendation.

Cuddy: Sorry, I haven't done it yet.

House: You have no right to sabotage —

Cuddy: I was busy with this. (She hands him a sheet of paper) It's a list of requirements for your methadone treatment. Weekly drug tests. Supervised doses administered on a precise schedule, by me, or, one of the nurses.

House: Seems weird, getting my meds here when I'm working somewhere else.

Cuddy: Yes. (pause) I'm offering you your job back. (She sits down)

House: I want a raise.

Cuddy: No.

House: And a bigger office... but in the same spot.

Cuddy: No. We both know this is where you belong.

House: Okay.

Cuddy: Welcome back. (House starts for the door, then pauses and turns around)

House: (sincerely) Thank you.

Cuddy: You're welcome. (He leaves)

[Cut to the conference room. Taub is sitting at the table and Kutner is getting himself a cup of coffee. House walks in, Kutner sits down]

Kutner: You okay?

House: I have issues with authority. You?

Taub: We thought you were gone.

House: Cuddy missed me.

Taub: And what happened to your cane?

House: She asked to borrow it for some reason. Patient d*ad or do I need to do anything? (House takes off his tie and loosens his shirt collar)

Taub: He's got scleroderma. (Foreman and Thirteen come in)

Thirteen: It's not scleroderma.

House: Wow. Two days, and you've already got two separate theories. (House sits down)

Foreman: You're back. Good. We noticed a drop in AST levels. It's not from the anti-inflammatory meds.

Thirteen: It's because his kidneys got better from the testosterone.

Foreman: Which rules out scleroderma.

House: When did you two come up with this?

Thirteen: We ran into each other in the lobby. (She sits down)

House: So, what did we miss? When I say "we" I mean "you," since I wasn't here.

Thirteen: We've ruled out Zollinger-Ellison.

House: That was a dumb idea.

Thirteen: Why?

House: Because it was wrong.

Taub: Also toxoplasmosis, dehydration, SLE, various intersex disorders.

House: Oh, crap. (pause) This kid like energy drinks?

Kutner: I saw some empty bottles in the team locker room.

Taub: But energy drinks don't explain —

House: Nice work. (He gets up and heads for the door)

Foreman: So, we're okay?

House: Why wouldn't we be? (to Thirteen about her shoes) Nice heels. (House leaves)

[Cut to Jackson’s hospital room. Both of his parents are there. House walks in]

House: This is all your parents' fault.

Melanie: Excuse me?

House: (to Jackson) Chug a lot of energy drinks before, during, and after practice? (Jackson nods)

House: Your son came in here with simple dehydration. That's why he collapsed during the game.

Melanie: The ER treated him for that. It didn't help the pain.

House: That's where the energy drinks came in. They put a strain on his kidneys so he needed more time to rebound from the initial dehydration.

Joseph: Then why isn't he better?

House: That's where your idiocy came in. Before we could give him another glass of water, you two insisted I do an MRI. So, I go down a blind alley looking for a blind uterus. And my team injects him with contrast material. If his kidneys had been healthy, they would've filtered out the contrast in a couple hours. Since they weren't, it went around and around, eventually getting absorbed by his heart, his liver, and his pancreas; getting in trouble everywhere it went. Your son was fine when he got here. It was your freaked-out overprotectiveness that nearly k*lled him.

Melanie: Nearly?

House: He's young. A few weeks of dialysis, he should be fine.

[Melanie gives a sigh of relief an puts her head on her husband’s shoulder]

House: You gave birth to a freak of nature. (He turns and opens the door) Doesn't mean it's a good idea to treat him like one. (House leaves the room)

[Cut to aerial view of PPTH at night, then to Jackson’s hospital room where Thirteen is sitting on the bed talking to Jackson]

Thirteen: How you feeling?

Jackson: A little bit better.

Thirteen: I saw you talking to your parents earlier. That's good.

Jackson: My mom asked if I wanted to take dance lessons.

Thirteen: That's great!

Jackson: I'm actually worried I might miss basketball. Starting to get good.

Thirteen: No reason you can't do both. (Jackson nods and Thirteen smiles at him)

[Cut to House’s office. He is sitting behind his desk manipulating some dice in his right hand and obviously thinking. Cuddy walks in carrying a medicine cup]

Cuddy: Starting tomorrow, you'll come to my office for your fix.

House: I'm done with the methadone. I screwed up.

Cuddy: The kid’s parents wanted that MRI.

House: I knew he didn't need it. I did it anyway. That's what got him sick.

Cuddy: You just solved a case that no one else could solve.

House: I created a case. I played nice because, I was in a good mood because, I didn't hurt. (He gets up)

Cuddy: You don't need your pain to be a good doctor.

House: (firmly) I'm not interested in good.

Cuddy: You're afraid to be happy.

House: Why do you care if I'm happy?

[long pause]

Cuddy: You're afraid of change. The one thing you have is your intellect. You think if that's compromised, you have nothing. (She holds up the dose of methadone) Just take it.

House: No.

Cuddy: Don't do this.

House: It's already done. (He throws the methadone in the wastebasket and grabs a hospital cane which is propped against the wall) This is the only me you get.

[House limps out of the office, turning out the light on his way out, leaving Cuddy standing in the dark]

The End
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x16 - The Softer Side"}