Jason: Fine.Fine.So what about Ben?

Jason: What?

Jason: That's where all the counter girls wear the coconut bras?

Jason: No, no I haven't.And skipping class is serious, but is it worth a suspension?

Maggie: Oh, there is another Ben Seaver in the school?

Jason: So he hasn't been attending any of those classes?

Ben: Guys.Hey guys wait up.I'll take this one.I'm back from lunch.

Maggie: Ben Seaver, how could you do this?

Bens: I'm sorry mum.

Jason: And don't come out young man until I tell you to move.Hey you moved.

Ben: I breathed.

Jason: Well keep it to a minimum.

Maggie: Jason, why would he do this?Why would he skip school for three months?

Jason: I don't know.

Maggie: Remember when he used to just love going to school?

Jason: No.He never did.

Maggie: Well sure he did.All through the early grades.

Jason: Honey, all I know is that when you went back to work and I was driving him, I had it drag him out of the car.

Maggie: So you are saying that my being a working mother caused all this?

Jason: No sweetheart.Don't be ridiculous.Your career lasted what, three years?

Carol: It's official Ben.You are now a total loser.

Ben: Carol, why don't you go pluck those hairs off your face?

Mike: Hey.

Ben: Mike, guess who's got a two week vacation?

Mike: Uh let me guess, is he tall and goofy?

Ben: Well he's tall anyway.

Mike: Hey!

Carol: I can't believe you are so proud that you got suspended.

Ben: Mike, explain it to her.

Mike: Woo woo wo.You got suspended?

Ben: Yipper dipper.And I took the whole Drea Himer naughty club with me.

Mike: Ah Ben, Ben.This is not good.

Ben: Why not?

Mike: Because some how I am going to be blamed for this.

Carol: I knew this day was coming.I mean you could only be repulsive for so long and then the world just vomits you out.

Jason: Ok everybody.We want to talk to Ben.

Carol: Come on Chrissy.I'll tell you a story.

Chrissy: What story?

Carol: Well, it's called the boy with no brain.

Jason: Alright Ben, number one: no TV.

Ben: Ever?

Jason: Ever.

Ben: Well what if there's a natural disaster and I have to turn it on for further instructions?

Jason: You'll die.

Maggie: Jason, I was going to handle this.

Ben: Yeah dad.Let's hear what's on mums mind.

Maggie: Ben, we are going to go over every class you skipped.You are going to catch up in these two weeks even if you have to study twenty four hours a day.

Ben: Dad, you were saying?

Jason: Well Ben, there's always boarding school.You know, where your day begins at six am with a nice brisk ten mile run and then it's off to classes for eight or nine hours.You don't skip classes in boarding school.Otherwise large women with no sense of humour hunt you down with dogs.

Jason: What's so funny sweetheart?

Chrissy: The Farside.Everybody does it with Rhinos.

Jason: Need any help with words?

Chrissy: Do I look like Ben?

Maggie: That is quite enough Chrissy.

Carol: Good morning all.The editorial page please.

Jason: There you go.

Chrissy: What is an editorial page?

Carol: Well it's where opinions are voiced on important issues.When you get older you'll be reading it.And when Ben gets older, he'll be sleeping under it.

Maggie: I think it would be nice if everyone left before Ben gets here.

Carol: well I'd love to leave.I can_t even look at him.

Maggie: You know it has been a long time since just the two of us have been at home together.

Ben: Yeah.

Maggie: Remember when it used to be like this every day?

Ben: Sure, then you went back to work.

Maggie: That bothered you?

Ben: Doesn't matter.

Maggie: Uh, I didn't think so.

Ben: But you did come home for Chrissy though.

Maggie: Honey, if I knew you were going to turn out like this, I never would have gone back to work.

Ben: Thanks.

Maggie: No, no.Ben, I figured we'd start each day with a ten minute free period.You can think.You can talk.You can ask me anything and maybe we get to know each other better.You can do whatever you want.

Ben: Great.

Maggie: Right.So what are you reading?

Ben: The Nicks lost.

Maggie: Hmm, well the Lakers are pretty strong when Magic is on his game.

Ben: You knew Magic Johnson played for the Lakers?

Maggie: Oh yeah, I've been following him since he was at Michigan state.That's a college Ben.So, what does the article say?

Ben: The Nicks blew.

Maggie: But what word does the writer use to convey that thought?

Ben: He used the word blew.The Nicks blew like the exhaust from a Thai restaurant.

Maggie: That's called a simile.

Ben: A what?

Ben: I don't know mum.I'm as dumb as a post.

Maggie: Right.

Ben: What?

Maggie: Dumb as a post.That's another simile.

Ben: Yeah?

Maggie: Yeah.And how many rebounds did Ewing get?

Ben: Um, ten defensive, eight offensive.

Maggie: And that makes?

Ben: Eighteen.

Maggie: And the game was played in?

Ben: Los Angeles.

Maggie: Which is in?

Ben: Urrrr.

Maggie: It's where all the big movie stars live.

Ben: The Betty Ford clinic?

Maggie: Which is in?

Ben: California.

Ben: Mum, would this be a simile: Carol is butt ugly?

Song: Monday morning and out to school.The teacher is teaching the golden rule.American history and practical math.You studying hard to open the caf?Working your fingers right down to the bone.The guy behind you won't leave you alone.Ring ring goes the bell.The cook in the lunch room is ready to fail.You are lucky if you can find a seat.Back in the classroom open your books.The teacher don't know how mean she looks.Soon three o clock rolls around.You find the day is over.

Ben: Wow.look at all those things crawling around.

Maggie: They are called micro organisms.

Ben: And they all live in the wad of my spit?

Maggie: That's right.

Ben: Wow.Kind of makes you think twice about swallowing, doesn't it.

Maggie: Imagine what happens when you kiss a girl.

Ben: Yeah, that...mum!

Maggie: Oh lunch time.You get another ten minute free period.

Ben: Where did you learn all this stuff Mum?

Maggie: In college.

Ben: You went to college?

Maggie: Oh what did you think?You think I was making all this up?

Ben: I wasn't sure.

Maggie: Well I'm not.

Ben: Well how can I reuse something like what's in my spit, or where Massachusetts is?

Maggie: Well, let's say you wanted to go to a Celtics game.Without Massachusetts, you don't stand much of a chance.

Ben: Well, they could be on the road in Philadelphia which is in Pennsylvania, or Denver which is Colorado, or Chicago which is in Illinois.

Maggie: Ben, I do believe you are learning.

Ben: And I am getting a nice trim fanny.

Maggie: Honey, I'm so sorry that all I have is Jane Fonda tapes.

Ben: That's ok mum.Actually, I kind of like watching all those women in tight...What's for lunch?

Maggie: Hi honey, how was your day?

Jason: Well, people are losing their minds at an alarming rate, which leaves us sitting pretty.

Maggie: Look at this.

Jason: What's that?

Maggie: I gave Ben a test to see what he's learnt these past two weeks and he passed every course.

Jason: Carol's as ugly as a butt?

Maggie: Oh honey, I am so proud of him.You should see him and he's actually enjoying learning and we are getting along so well and I'm sorry I'm gushing.

Jason: Gush, gush!

Chrissy: Hi mum.Hi dad.Bye mum.Bye dad.

Jason: Is it me or is Chrissy starting to smell like roast pork?

Maggie: Chrissy, what do you have under your jacket?

Chrissy: It wasn't my idea.Veto said Ben's got to have this.He's gone two weeks without it and he must be going crazy by now.

Jason: Chrissy go to your room.On second thought, go sit on the front porch and air out.

Maggie: What's that?

Jason: Leylanni cloven hoof special.Honey, she's right next to my barber.Look, there is a greasy note in there.

Jason: Oh come on honey.Just a minute ago you were gushing.You don't know if he's going to revert to his old ways.Maybe you've given him the strength to resist that kind of temptation.

Ben: Hey mum, I wanted to talk to you ......alright.Leylanni's clove hoof special.Oh yeah.Did Leylanni deliver em herself with her wicky wicky wagon?

Maggie: Oh!

Jason: Hm hm.

Maggie: Oh!

Jason: Hm Hm.

Maggie: Oh!

Jason: Yeah yeah what?

Maggie: Oh I can teach Ben at home.

Jason: What?

Maggie: Honey we don't have to send him back to the coconut boys and who knows what on a stick.

Jason: Honey, you are not a teacher.

Maggie: No, no, Jason.I was for two weeks and he's done better than he has in weeks.

Jason: But I'm sure there are some legalities,

Maggie: So we'll get a lawyer.I'm just talking about for the rest of the semester.I Just, Jason I just want Ben to know how really good he is and that he's not a dummy.

Jason: Well there's a lot more to school than the academics Maggie.There is socialization.

Maggie: Oh, socialization!Is that what you call three guys starring at a girl in a coconut bikini?

Jason: Was when I was growing up.

Maggie: Jason, right now Ben needs to focus on learning.He could be lost forever if he doesn't start now.

Janson: Honey, its a lot different teaching for two weeks than teaching for two months.

Maggie: Well that's what I'm counting on Jason.I mean I want to be there for him like I wasn't...before.

Jason: You really believe in this don't you?

Maggie: Jason, we've gotten so close in the last two weeks.I just, I just don't want to lose that.

Jason: Well Ben's counting on going back to school tomorrow.

Maggie: Wwell I'll tell him at breakfast tomorrow.He's easier to handle before he's been fed.

Chrissy: Wo!How come you are wearing good clothes for school?

Ben: Cos all my dirty clothes are dirty.

Chrissy: It's ok.I was nervous my first day too.

Ben: Hey, I'm not nervous.

Chrissy: Then how come you re up before the good cartoons are on?

Ben: Hey, leave me alone.Ok.

Chrissy: Nervous.Very nervous.

Ben: Yeah.I can't wear this to school, this is weenie junk.

Maggie: Ben, you are up early and you are dressed like such a little gentleman.

Ben: Look mum, I got to go change for school.

Maggie: Ben, uh, I wanted to talk to you about school.

Ben: Well what about it?

Maggie: Ben, what you have learned in these two weeks has made me so proud.What would you say if, uh, you didn't have to go back to school?

Ben: You mean I learned so much I graduated?

Maggie: No Ben.I'm saying that you have done better in these two weeks than you have ever done at Dewey.And how would you feel about just going to school here at home?

Ben: Mum, this isn't funny.

Maggie: Ben, I saw you actually excited about doing schoolwork.I mean you and I had fun together.

Ben: Shhhh.Mum if my friends heard you say that they'd laugh at me.You know what they are going to do when they find out I'm going to Mummy High?

Maggie: Honey, I really think it's for the best.And underneath I think you do too.I mean can you honestly tell me, can you honestly say that you can hang out with Veto and the Coconut Boys and not get into trouble?

Ben: I certainly...I most certainly Carol...So this is what I get for my two weeks of hard work?More punishment?

Maggie: Ben, when you're older you'll understand.

Ben: I won't be getting any older.Mummy's boys have a short life span.

Jason: I see he took the news well.

Maggie: Jason, I firmly believe that underneath it, deep, deep, deep within his soul, he knows this is for the best.

Jason: I don't know Maggie.I mean when I was his age, all I cared about was snapping towels with the guys and smelling bad and getting all goofy and nervous around females.

Maggie: That happened when you were younger too?

Jason: There is no need to lash out at me Maggie.

Maggie: Yes there is.I don't feel like I have your support in this.

Jason: Honey, look, all things considered, when you look at the options, I think that teaching Ben at home is worth a sh*t.But if you want me to say that what you are doing is absolutely one hundred percent, no doubt about it right.....I can't say that unless you want me to lie.

Maggie: Would it be a big lie?

Maggie: How could you forget that Los Angeles is in California?It is the corporate headquarters of Laylanni's loo al on a stick.

Carol: Um mother.A word.You hurt, don't you?

Maggie: No.

Chrissy: Listen you rocks.Because of you she is going to want to try this on me.There goes my socialization.

Ben: Hey look.I'm not too happy about this either.The last place I want to be is here.

Maggie: Hey Ben, I want to see everything you missed today covered in your homework and you will stay in your room until you know it back and forwards or you will rot like a bad melon.And that is a simile that you can take to the man.

Maggie: What?

Maggie: Wow, thanks.Just when I was beginning to doubt myself.

Maggie: But the you'd be out of a job.

Ben: Uh mum, I'm too sick to stay at home today.I got to go to school.

Maggie: Ben, don't...it's ok honey.Go.

Ben: You re not arguing?

Maggie: No.It was a mistake teaching you at home.I'm sorry I ever got into it.

Ben: How could you say that?Come on, I was doing good wasn't I?

Maggie: Ben, just go to school.You're going to be late.

Ben: I don't want to go to school.

Maggie: Oh so now you want o stay at home?

Ben: I didn't say that either.

Maggie: Ben those are your two choices.Make up your mind.

Ben: Yeah I know.It's driving me nuts.

Maggie: What is?

Ben: Mum, I like studying with you.And I actually learn something.It's not real neat having everybody calling me stupid.

Maggie: Who calls you stupid?

Ben: It's my image.It's what I do.It's what I am.

Maggie: I don't like that.

Ben: I don't like it either.But you know, I'll tell y you what's worse.having all those guys calling me a mum's boy.

Maggie: Who's saying that?

Ben: They all are mum.When they walk by the house dragging the bat against the fence, they are saying it.When I hear tires squeal late at night, it's meant for me mum.I just don't know what to do mum.I mean it's really neat having you all to myself.Its really neat not feeling dumb.

Maggie: You did like being here with me?

Ben: Shhh!They could show up at any time.They've been known to hide in bushes.

Maggie: Well you are more trouble than you are worth young man.

Ben: Hu!

Maggie: You are too dangerous for public school and you can just tell your friends I said so.

Ben: I'm not dangerous.

Maggie: Such things wouldn't be said about a mum's boy, would they?

Ben: Oh.So I could like go to school here and no one would have to know that I am actually liking it?

Maggie: That's right honey.

Ben: Honey!

Maggie: I mean d*ad b*at.You are too wild to be let loose on the streets.

Ben: Thank you.

Maggie: You are welcome.This isn't going to be any picnic young man.

Ben: Are we still acting or should I be worried.

Ben: Mum, how come you had to go back to work?

Ben: That's sick mum.

Maggie: Ben I know this has been a big change for all of us.And I worry about not being here for you because, well, you are the youngest.And I worry about not being here for Carol because she's a girl and she needs her mother.And I worry about not being here for Mike, to stop him from accidentally bl*wing something up.And believe me, I worry about leaving your father here to cope with all you monsters.

Ben: You shouldn't worry so much Mum, You'll make yourself crazy.
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "06x23 - Home Schooling"}