SACRED HEART -- SECOND FLOOR HALL

J.D. casually rounds the corner and stops.

J.D.'s Narration: After four years, I know the hospital so well I can sneak in a little nap-walk before rounds.

He yawns and closes his eyes, and begins meandering down the hall.

J.D.'s Narration: Two quick steps to the left to avoid overly ambitious orderly....

A busy orderly bustles past.

J.D.'s Narration: Hop over the d*ad guy Doug's dragging because he lost his gurney again....

J.D. steps over the body bag.

Doug: The man's d*ad, J.D. Show some respect.

J.D.'s Narration: And, finally, Dr. Kelso's 9 A.M. wrong shoulder tap.

J.D. reaches his arm around to tap Dr. Kelso on the opposite shoulder as he strolls past.

Dr. Kelso: [Turning to look] Dammit! Every morning, tapping -- no one's ever there!

J.D.'s Narration: 'Course, you can't be ready for everything.

A hand grabs him, and he opens his eyes to be faced with an uncharacteristically chipper Janitor.

Janitor: Hey. Help me move this weekend.

J.D.'s Thoughts: We scoff. [J.D. does so.] And we walk away.

Follow to...

NURSES' STATION

Jordan and Dr. Cox walk Jack up to the desk.

Dr. Cox: Remind me again why you're having our son baptized?

Jordan: Oh, what do you care? You're not even going!

Dr. Cox: Fine, let him go to church. I mean, I let him go to magic shows. I'll just tell him it's all a lie when he gets home so he doesn't have any of those crazy nightmares.

Jordan: By the way, I invited your sister.

Dr. Cox: Jordan, please tell me you didn't.

Jordan: Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't realize you'd be so upset. I'll call her and tell her not to come.

[Laughs and turns to Carla, Turk, and J.D. behind the desk] How weird would it be if I was like that!

Carla: Totally! [Laughs.]

Jordan: Weird!

She takes Jack down the hall.

J.D.: [To Cox] When is this joyous occasion?

Dr. Cox: You're not invited.

J.D.: Oh, I see. Family only, everyone! That's how they're doin' it.

Carla: I'm going.

Dr. Cox: Newbie, gimme a break, will ya. Of course you're going. As a matter of fact, I...I'd like you to be the boy's god-father.

J.D.: [Touched whisper] I...am honored.

Dr. Cox: [Mocking his tone] I...am lying.

He makes a smug face and goes off down the hall.

Carla and Turk try to stifle their giggles.

J.D.: I'm--I'm not sure I see how that's funny.

He wipes a tear from his eye with his sleeve.

Cut to...

ADMISSIONS -- FRONT DESK

Elliot is down here with Turk, who checks his beepers.

Elliot: Uh, what's with the second beeper?

Turk: Carla gave it to me. She's got me on 24-hour baby-making alert. Man, we haven't had sex since her last ovulation. Did you know that women only do that once a month?

Reveal J.D. leaning on the desk.

J.D.: Of course I knew that, Turk. I'm a doctor.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Once a month? That's crazy!

Elliot: I don't know why I even bother ovulating. Little Haley doesn't have a chance this month. [Pats her belly, to J.D.'s bewilderment.] I name my eggs -- big frick. Last month it was "Cassy."

J.D.: Ooh, "Cassy"'s pretty.

The conversation a little too girly, Turk wanders back to work.

Elliot: Oh, she would have been, J.D. She would have been.

Cox and a blonde woman come through the front doors.

Dr. Cox: [Whistles] Everyone, this is my sister, Paige. Paige, I'd like you to meet random people I don't care about.

Kelso joins Elliot and J.D. at the desk.

Dr. Kelso: Ahh! Here for the baptism! I remember my son Harrison's big day. All of us laughing at him in his frilly little baptism dress. Heh. Well, we're not laughing anymore. Harrison's a poofter. [Extending his hand] Bob Kelso.

Paige shakes his hand as he leaves.

J.D.: Hi, I'm J.D. I'm sure Perry's spoken of me.

Paige: Noo....

J.D.: Nothing about taking a talented go-getter under his wing? Or being surrogate father to a boy who's lost his own? Nothing about that at all? I'm surprised, it's interesting to me, but okay.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Don't cry in front of people.

Paige: Perry and I don't talk much.

J.D.: Oh, they don't talk much, everybody! There's no talking in the family.

Dr. Cox: Rest assured, Newbie, even if we did talk from morning till night about all the big and tiny things that matter most to me -- the big being my son Jack, a cure for cancer, and the resurgence of the hard-shelled taco; the small--

Paige: [Imitating her brother] -- The small being my ex-wife, Jordan, wind energy, and a-ha-hall fruit-infused liquors -- your name still would not have come up.

Dr. Cox: I'm honestly not sure which one of you I find more hhhirritating.

J.D.: What does he find "he-h-irritating" about you?

Dr. Cox: f*re at will.

Paige: I've embraced the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior.

Everyone falls silent and Perry rubs his head.

J.D.'s Thoughts: I'm not sure why it was suddenly so awkward, but I wish something would break the tension.

A beeper goes off.

Turk emerges from the hall, doing an excited dance.

Turk: [Singing] Hallelujah! A brotha's 'bout to have some sex! Ha Ha! Hallelujah! A brotha's 'bout to have some seeeeeeex!

[Steps in front of J.D. and bends over.]

Smack the money-maker! Smack it.

J.D. spits in his palm and smacks Turk on the rear.

J.D.: That's how he likes it.

Turk: [Leaving] Ahhh! Sex time, people!

J.D.: [To Paige] He's married, so it's strictly procreation sex. His wife's throwing her legs up in the air, because they're trying for a boy -- like Jesus!

===

OPENING THEME

COMMERCIALS

===

I.C.U. -- WARD

Waiting for Dr. Cox to finish with his patient, Paige passes the time by talking to J.D.

Paige: You know what used to drive Perry nuts as a kid? Every night we'd play Horse in the driveway, and I'd always kick his ass.

J.D.: Can Christians say "ass" now? I have a friend -- Pat Casey -- he called his mom an ass once? She h*t him in the face with an iron! He still goes to church, but he can't whistle anymore.

Paige: Okay. I'm gonna go say hi to Jordan.

She goes off as Cox comes back from his patient.

J.D.: She's dynamite. How'd you end up with a born-again Christian sister?

Dr. Cox: I don't know. Maybe the T.V. was broken one day and she picked up the Bible and found it to be just a darn good read. Or maybe it had something to do with our mother's ability to watch silently as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room. Whatta you think there, Newbie?

J.D.: [Thrown] Probably the "room to room" thing.

Dr. Cox: Uh-huh.

He begins to head out.

J.D.'s Narration: It's always hard to find the right words at a moment like this.

J.D.: Dr. Cox! If it makes you feel any better, at the baptism I'll be there to keep Paige company.

Dr. Cox: Yeah. You're not going. [Continues out.]

J.D.: Dammit! [Under breath] Stupid baptism.

===

TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT

From the open bedroom door, we see Turk excitedly enter the apartment and run in here.

Turk: [Singing] I'm gonna have some sex! I'm gonna have some seeeeeeeee-[disgusted]-eeaaaggghhh!

He sees Carla on the bed, less vixen than bookworm, in sweats and surrounded by open texts on the bed.

Carla: [Eying a thermometer] Okay, so my cervical mucus is peaking, my temperature is slightly elevated, and these pillows will keep my vagina angled so that the semen can pool against my cervix.

Turk: Baby, that is some god-awful dirty talk.

Carla: Turk, we're making a baby. Let's get down to business.

Turk: Honey, I need to feel the heat! I need at least thirty minutes of foreplay -- then, and only then, can I be fully ready...to make love to you.

Carla: Tyra Banks.

Turk: [Hips thrusting] Uhhn.

Carla: There. You're ready.

She flops back on the bed.

===

NURSES' STATION

The foreboding chants of "Koyaanisqatsi" play as Janitor circles the desk, glaring evilly at a wary J.D.

The mood is broken when he steps behind a group of doctors.

Janitor: Oh, hey fellas? I'm trying to give somebody evil eye over there. Would you mind breaking it up so I can...? [They nod and disperse.] You understand. Thanks, fellas. Very nice of you. I appreciate it! Thank you.

As soon as everyone's cleared, the music resumes and Janitor continues his glare until he's completely around the desk and gone.

Behind J.D., Elliot and Jordan watch this quizzically.

J.D.: [To the ladies] He's just mad because I won't help him move.

Jordan: Well, you shoulda done it. Helping someone move is like oral sex -- you do it once and then they owe you for life.

Elliot: Mm. My high school boyfriend's an accountant now, and he still does my taxes for free.

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

Elliot: You know what's weird? He also does my brother Barry's.

Dr. Kelso: [Looking up from his chart] My son, Harrison, dabbles in sado-masochism and he has a new gimp named Barry. Or is it Larry? At my age, it's getting harder and harder to keep track of his gimps.

J.D.'s Narration: And then it occurred to me -- this was the perfect opportunity to take an enemy and turn him into a friend!

Deep in thought, J.D. stares deeply into space.

Cut to...

I.C.U. -- HALL

J.D. stands before the Janitor, staring into space briefly before committing to his decision.

J.D.: I'll do it!

Janitor: I knew you would. You're very predictable.

J.D.

&: No I'm not! ... Stop doing that! ... Peanut butter egg dirt!

Janitor

Dr. Cox passes with a chart in hand.

Dr. Cox: Newbie, let's go. Mr. Donnelly's test results are in.

Follow to...

MR. DONNELLY'S ROOM

They enter where the man's family are holding vigil around the bed.

J.D.'s Narration: It's never easy to tell a family that medicine isn't working.

Dr. Cox: I, uh, I wish I had better news for you. Unfortunately, we're not seeing the improvement we'd hoped for with this medication.

Mrs. Donnelly: What are our options?

Dr. Cox: I'm afraid there are no other options.

Behind them, Paige enters.

Paige: There's always prayer.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, no.

Paige: You know, with God by your side, anything is possible.

Dr. Cox: Could I speak with you in the "stop filling my patient's head with false hope" ward?

He ushers her into...

HALL

...and closes the door.

Dr. Cox: Paige. We have protocol here. First we shake our magic 8 ball, then we explore all witchcraft-related options.

Paige: Oh, right -- 'cause people who believe in God are crazy! And you're the sane one!

Meanwhile...

MR. DONNELLY'S ROOM

J.D. attracts the family's attention to the heated discussion outside.

J.D.: Hey! You guys like improv? 'Cause I'm kind of an expert. There's a game we play in class where you make up what people are saying. Like, watch: "Do you want some pie?" [As Cox points at his chest] "Not me, I hate pie." [As Paige raises her hands] "What are you talking about? Who hates pie? Everyone loves pie!" [As Cox throws his hands in the air and gestures at the family] "I've always hated pie! You never understood me!" "You're a pie r*cist!" "Well, you're a cobbler whore!"

Mrs. Donnelly gives him a look.

J.D.'s Thoughts: For God's sake, get off pie!

Meanwhile...

HALL

Paige: Jerk!

Dr. Cox: Republican.

Meanwhile...

MR. DONNELLY'S ROOM

J.D.: [With an arm flourish] "Piiiiiie."

Cut to...

CAFETERIA -- LATER

J.D. takes a bite of pie. Elliot and Turk are at the table with him.

J.D.: Gotta find an improv class that doesn't meet in the back of a pie shop.

Turk: [Beeper going off] Aw, dammit, I gotta go have ovulation sex again.

J.D.: Are you actually complaining about getting to have sex? Because that is so insensitive, Turk!

He stands.

Turk: J.D.!

J.D.: Let me feel my feelings, Turk! We worked on this!

He storms off.

Turk: I've really gotta stop doing that!

Elliot: You can talk to me if you want?

Turk: Elliot, I can't talk to you about sex -- I don't understand any of that crazy gibberish you use.

"Penis" is "schwing"-something....

Elliot: "Schwing-schwong," "peepers," or "peep."

Turk: Right. And "vagina" is...?

Elliot: Disgusting! But also "bajingo" or "hoo-hoo."

Turk: Here's the deal: I'm trying to get in the mood, right? And Carla's going on and on about her cervical mucus.

Elliot: Up-bup-bup. Mm-mm. From now on [whispers] "cervical mucus" will be referred to as "icky sticky."

Turk: "Icky sticky."

Elliot: Continue.

She takes a sip of her coffee.

===

I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION

Dr. Cox is going over some paperwork as J.D. arrives with two cups of coffee, offering Cox one.

J.D.: Morning, sunshine!

Dr. Cox: Never say that again.

J.D.: [Putting the cups down] Noted.

That was quite a fight you had with your sister yesterday. Won't it be a little awkward when you show up at St. Mary's Cathedral on the corner of Maple and Pine, right across from Temple Oheb Shalom, at 4 P.M. today?

Dr. Cox: That's not where the baptism is, but nice try.

J.D.: Mark my words -- when that little bastard's dipped in water, I will be there.

Dr. Cox starts down the hall. J.D. joins him.

Dr. Cox: Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by. Mr. Donnelly's labs came back and it looks like the steroid is finally working. If you happen to be keeping score at home, that would be Medicine, One -- God, Zero.

J.D.: Ah, you don't have to rub it in her face.

Dr. Cox: Yeah, and I don't have to stick Kelso's stethoscope down my pants every morning, but I still do. Now isn't there some other relationship you could be out there trying to fix?

J.D. stops.

J.D.'s Narration: Actually, there was.

Cut to...

APARTMENT

J.D. still has his cups of coffee. He offers the Janitor one.

J.D.: Morning, sunshine!

Janitor: I don't like that.

J.D.: Nobody seems to.

Janitor: Well, come on. [Hefts a cardboard box] Grab some boxes, let's get to movin', huh?

J.D. takes a box and moves over to the window to start packing.

J.D.'s Thoughts: I hope I can find a way to connect with him.

He watches the Janitor reach for a vase on a shelf, knocking one of the others.

J.D. leaps across the room and snatches the urn just before it hits the floor.

Janitor: Thanks for saving that -- that's one of my favorite pieces.

J.D.: [Stands and safely puts the vase in the box] You're welcome, friend!

I gotta say, you got a lot of Asian art around here.

Janitor: When I was a kid, I always thought I'd, uh, travel the world, you know? So after college, I went to China. Did all the normal touristy things -- I saw the Great Wall, ate the food, had a baby with a local -- you know, just the regular stuff.

Anyway, I guess I decorate my place this way 'cause it reminds me of a more...optimistic time. That probably sounds crazy.

J.D.: [Over sympathetic] Doesn't sound crazy at all.

Janitor: [Patting J.D.'s shoulder] Thanks, man.

J.D.'s Narration: And like that, I was in.

===

STREET

Turk pulls his car to the side to check his beeping beeper.

Turk: Damn!

Across the street, he notices a sign:

DONUTS DONUTS

Day Old Donuts

50% Off

After 5PM

Cut to...

TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- LATER

Turk enters the front door, where Carla stands waiting for him.

Carla: I paged you an hour ago!

Turk: I was in surgery.

Carla: [Rubs his face] Is that doughnut glaze on your cheek?

Turk: Guess we're not having sex, huh?

Carla: Oh, ho, ho, no. We're having sex. Get in there.

Turk: Wait, baby...I'm too full.

Carla: Now, Turk.

Turk: Man!

===

APARTMENT

J.D. and Janitor sit at a table, a couple beers in front of them.

J.D.: Long story short, after confirming it with my bunk-mates, that counselor and his [air quotes] "friendship lotion" were transferred out of our cabin and we never spoke about it again.

Janitor: Well, "what doesn't k*ll ya..."

They clink their bottles together and sip.

J.D.'s Thoughts: We're as thick as two thieves in a pod!

Janitor: Okay! Time to move some of the heavier stuff, so you might want to put on these gloves.

He hands some black gloves to J.D.

J.D.: Ooh!

Janitor: Aaaand the attic upstairs has a lot of fiberglass in it, so a little hat.

He tosses a little black wool cap to J.D.

J.D.: Thanks, pal!

Janitor: Sure, bud!

He leaves the table as J.D. dons his new gear.

J.D.'s Narration: I figured out why I'm so great at managing relationships....

Meanwhile...

SACRED HEART -- MR. DONNELLY'S ROOM

Dr. Cox and Paige enter.

J.D.'s Narration: ...I don't rub things in people's faces...

Dr. Cox: I thought you might like to know that your husband's chest x-ray looks better. He is finally starting to improve.

Mrs. Donnelly: Thank you so much.

Dr. Cox: I was really just doing my job--

Mrs. Donnelly: Oh, I'm...talking to Paige. She was up all night praying with us.

Dr. Cox's face shows surprise and suppressed rage.

Meanwhile...

TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- BEDROOM

Mission accomplished, Carla throws Turk off of her.

Carla: Stupid jerk!

She angrily gets up and leaves the room.

J.D.'s Narration: ...I never go to bed very, very mad...

Turk: [Satisfied] Angry sex is awesome!

He smiles at the slamming door.

Meanwhile...

APARTMENT

J.D. gingerly picks a small golden Buddha statue up off a table.

J.D.'s Narration: And I've always known if I make even the slightest gesture of friendship to a difficult co-worker...

An Asian couple, the Kwans, enter.

Mr. Kwan: Who are you!?!?

J.D.'s Narration: ...I'll end up robbing an Asian couple's house.

He runs.

===

COMMERCIALS

===

STREET

Still carrying the Buddha statue under his arm, J.D. flees the scene of his crime, with two dogs chasing after in hot pursuit.

J.D.'s Narration: I couldn't help wondering what the sentence was for stealing a Buddha. After all, people get pretty sensitive about religion.

Meanwhile...

DR. COX & JORDAN'S APARTMENT -- LIVING ROOM

Perry, in a hockey jersey, and Paige, in a nice dress, are on the sofa as Jordan brings Jack out in his baptism outfit.

Dr. Cox: Could I comment on the baptism dress?

Paige: I think you should wait to see the matching slippers and tiny handbag.

Dr. Cox: You're actually encouraging him to cross-dress on the same day that you're introducing him to a religion that will condemn him to Hell for it. That's a trauma twofer.

Jordan: Can you two please just try to get along? Now I'm getting some blush for Jack, because this lace collar is washing out his face. Terrible.

She puts the baby down in a chair and leaves the room.

Dr. Cox: Paige, will you just acknowledge that medicine made Mr. Donnelly better?

Paige: Fine. It was medicine.

Dr. Cox: Aha.

Paige: Thank God for creating medicine.

Dr. Cox: [Flipping out] A-ghe-de-geh-geh-geh! [Stands.] That's it! That is it. [Grabs Jack, who begins giggling wildly.] Now you, you may be a total goner, but God's not getting his hands on this one. No way, no how. Come on, Jackie boy, we got places to go.

He takes Jack out the door.

===

TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- BATHROOM

Turk stares at his reflection.

The opening strains of Bryan Ferry's "sl*ve to Love" come up.

Carla: [From outside] Turk! I'm ready!

Turk: [To reflection] All right. So angry sex is awesome. That's no reason to go down a bad road.

Follow to...

BEDROOM

Carla is stood waiting for Turk as he comes out of the bathroom.

♪ sl*ve to love ♪

Turk: [Turning out the light] Baby, you know what I miss? When your body was kickin'.

♪ sl*ve to love ♪

Turk: [Taking off his shirt] I ain't touchin' no damn diapers.

Carla angrily grabs his shoulders and pulls him down on the bed.

Turk: Aaaggh!

♪ sl*ve to love ♪

Turk: [Breaking their kiss] Baby, all I'm saying is that in some European countries, it's totally acceptable for a man to have a mistress.

Carla:: Why you--

He kisses her again, and she fiercely pulls him to her.

Turk: Mm! Mmmhhgh.

Time lapse...

Carla huffs out of bed.

Carla: I'm gonna make you pay for every word you said!

The door slams.

♪ sl*ve to love ♪

Turk: Worth it!

===

BAR

J.D. is at the bar, an appletini in front of him, deep in thought.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Now that I'm on the lam, I thought about two things. One, what my prison name would be...

J.D.: Gizmo!

J.D.'s Thoughts: ...and Two, whether some relationships were beyond repair. [He pulls the Buddha statue next to him closer.]

Then Fate threw me another curve.

Dr. Cox and Jack arrive next to him.

J.D.: Hey, who's your friend?

Dr. Cox: My boy in a dress. Who's yours?

J.D. gives Jack a quick tickle, and Cox sets him on the bar.

J.D.: Well, seeing as he gave me the strength to outrun the sheriff's K-9 unit, I'd say he's my new god.

Dr. Cox: [Barely interested] Ah.

J.D.: You can rub mine's belly if I can rub yours'.

Dr. Cox: [Not in the mood] Don't you touch my son.

===

TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- LIVING ROOM

Turk, all dressed up, sits at the table with the equally fancy Elliot, who's putting the finishing touches on a small gift.

Turk: Angry sex is like a drug. I can't stop!

Carla: [Sticking her head out the bedroom door] I'll be right out, I'm just fixing my hair.

Turk: Rake's in the closet, baby!

Carla glares at him and slams the door.

Turk: [To Elliot] Help me!

Elliot: Turk! Just go back to the way things were. Carla loved it. Don't you get it? Trying to make a baby with you is the sexiest thing in the world to her.

Turk: Elliot, I'm a man. I've been programmed to think that a baby is the worst possible consequence of sex.

Elliot: Well, it's not.

***FLASHBACK***

WOODS

Elliot and her boyfriend are in a parked car, partially undressed.

Elliot: [Playfully waving a honey bottle] Honey for my honey!

She drizzles some on his chest and starts licking it off. She pauses at the sound of growling and looks up to see a giant bear just outside.

Guy: Why are you stopping?

Time lapse...

Elliot and her boyfriend wail in fear as the bear shakes the car.

***BACK TO PRESENT***

Elliot: Losing a baseball scholarship because a bear ate your arm is a much worse consequence of sex.

Turk: You have to help me end this angry sex cycle!

Carla comes out of the bedroom (her hair doesn't really look any different).

Carla: I'm ready.

Elliot: Oh, Carla, uh, Turk's making you mad on purpose because the angry sex is so good.

Turk looks horrified.

Elliot: [Awe-inspiring gasp] The cycle is broken!

Carla slaps Turk in the head.

===

BAR

Dr. Cox and J.D. are turned to the proper chair they've put Jack in behind them.

Dr. Cox: There will be no whining or crying while we sit here, understood?

J.D.: [Stroking the kid's hair] He seems fine.

Dr. Cox: I wasn't talking to him.

J.D.: I don't whine or cry.

The Janitor comes up behind him.

Janitor: [Producing a collection of small cardboard squares] Really? Then how do you explain these photos of you whining and crying as you run away from the Kwans' apartment?

J.D.: [Looking at them] These are coasters.

Janitor: My camera's broken.

J.D.: You turned me into a felon!

Dr. Cox: You know what, there, Newbie? You can go to the baptism. Now take Jack; Jordan'll k*ll me if he's not there. Plus, I know you -- you're exactly one watered-down appletini away from trying to fix my sister and me.

J.D.: No, thank you. If there's one thing I learned from this guy [gestures at the Janitor], it's I need to stop trying to fix people's relationships.

Janitor: You're welcome.

J.D. stands, takes his Buddha, and picks Jack up into his arms.

J.D.: Still, I've never known you to judge a person based on their beliefs. In fact, you're pretty tolerant of everyone. Except Hugh Jackman.

Dr. Cox: Meh.

J.D.: I just don't understand why your sister being religious bothers you so much.

Dr. Cox: ...It doesn't.

J.D.: Then why are you so angry?

He leaves.

===

CHURCH

J.D. shows the priest the little meeting he's set up between Buddha and the crucified Christ.

J.D.: "So, do you like pie?" "Look at me, do I look like a guy who doesn't like pie? I love pie. Incidentally, where do you buy your loincloths?"

Meanwhile...

Jordan (with Jack) and Paige stand in the back of the church.

Jordan: I--I don't think I can do this without Perry. I mean, he's my everything.

Paige: You're right. It would be weird if you were like that.

Jordan: Right?

Paige: Yeah.

Jordan: Yeah.

Meanwhile...

Elliot sits between Turk and Carla in a pew.

Turk: [To Carla] I just don't understand why we can't have fun while making a baby.

Carla: [To Turk] I am just so glad you have to hurt my feelings to have fun.

Turk: [To Carla] I can't believe you! Wha-- Calm down!

&

Carla: Great, that's really nice for you. "Calm down"? I'm gonna k*ll you!

Turk: [To God] You hear that? She's gonna k*ll me! Get her.

Elliot: Okay, look, you two stop fighting or I will turn this church around.

J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes I think it takes a child to make you see the light.

Joseph Arthur's "In The Sun" comes up as the ceremony begins.

Everyone turns to watch Jordan and Paige carry Jack up the aisle.

♪ I picture you in the sun

Wondering what went wrong ♪

Fade into the women holding Jack over the font as the priest sprinkles his head with Holy Water.

♪ And fallin' down on your knees

Askin' for sympathy ♪

Fade into Turk, Elliot, and Carla watching on with tenderness.

♪ And being caught in between

All you wish for and all you seen ♪

Fade into the priest blessing Jack with oil.

♪ And tryin' to find anything

You can feel that you can believe in ♪

Carla is visibly touched by the scene.

Paige glances over to the side of the church where Perry enters. He hoists his beer with a smile and takes a sip. Paige smiles.

♪ May God's love be with you

Always

May God's love be with you ♪

Jordan and Paige help Jack light his baptismal candle.

♪ I know I would apologize ♪

Elliot: Isn't he beautiful?

♪ If I could see your eyes ♪

Turk: Yeah.... He is.

♪ 'Cause when you show me myself, you know

I became someone else ♪

Perry watches on with emotion in his face as his sister holds Jack, who points heavenward (or cameraward -- whatever).

♪ But I was caught in between

All you wish for and all you need ♪

Fade to...

SACRED HEART -- PARKING LOT -- LATER THAT DAY

The song fades low as we come to Perry sh**ting hoops by himself. Paige arrives as he misses his sh*t.

Paige: Oh! Wow! Has anyone ever told you you're an extremely average athlete?

Dr. Cox: That's cold, sis. It's ice cold.

You know, uh, I been thinking about why I hate seeing you so much.

Paige: Please, Perry, don't hold back.

Dr. Cox: It's not the God stuff. [Faces her seriously.] I have worked hard to try to forget everything about our childhood. But when I see you, I...I can't think about anything else.

Paige: It's hard for me, too.

Dr. Cox: But I don't see why you can't be there for the major events in Jack's life.

Paige: I'd love to see him turn three.

Dr. Cox: The major events, Paige: His graduation, his wedding, his divorce, and his funeral -- the Big Four.

He tosses the ball at her.

Paige: I b*at you at Horse, he has a church wedding.

Dr. Cox: Done.

With her back turned to the net, she tosses the ball over her head. Swish.

Paige: [Grinning] That went in, didn't it.

Dr. Cox: Did you thank the G-Man for that?

Paige: That was all me, baby.

They high-five.

Dr. Cox: [Snickering] Yeah, it was.

The camera pans to reveal J.D. watching from the wheelchair ramp.

J.D.'s Narration: So maybe relationships can be fixed. Whether it's by coming around to your spouse's way of thinking...

Meanwhile...

TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- BEDROOM

Partially out of his fancy clothes, Turk looks over Carla's fertility info.

Turk: Well, I'm sorry. I didn't get how this baby-making stuff could be sexy. But I do now.

He goes over to her.

Carla: Well, you know, Turk, I can get angry if you give me a little help.

Turk: [Grabbing her] If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny DeVito.

Carla: [Grimacing] Aw, Turk, a little help.

Turk: [Nods] Mm-hmm.

Carla: Mm.

They tumble out of frame.

Meanwhile...

THE KWANS' APARTMENT

The couple smile at each other.

J.D.'s Narration: ...or by reassuring the Kwans that their Big Guy didn't desert them.

They look again at their returned Buddha, who wears a sign reading "I MISSED YOU".

Fade to...

SACRED HEART -- PARKING LOT -- EVENING

A taxi waits.

J.D.'s Narration: In the end, you just have to be willing to take the first step.

Dr. Cox walks his sister out to the cab.

Dr. Cox: By the way, if you want, Jack's birthday is in the spring...sometime.

Paige: March 21st. Bye, Perry.

She kisses him on the cheek and climbs into her cab.

Dr. Cox: Bye, Paige.

[Bends down to the open window.]

You know, "Paige" is a silly name.

Paige: "Perry"'s worse.

He rolls his eyes as the cab pulls out of the lot. He watches after it as the song fades out.

Fade to Black
{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x05 - My New God"}