House: "Patuxent River Naval Air Station near D.C. was commissioned in 1943 by John McCain's grandfather." I'm thinking of going hang gliding.

Park: Pax river is, like, completely flat. I think that's why they tested the V-22 Osprey there. [Everyone stares.] I like naval stuff.

House: I like their oranges and lint. What looks like kidney disease, but isn't? [hands them files] And where's Chase?

Taub: Root canal and Berger's. The first one was regarding Chase. Root canal, if done correctly, doesn't look like kidney disease.

Foreman: [enters with a blue file folder] Got a case for you.

House: [not taking the file] Smells funny.

Foreman: Patient had an idiopathic anaphylactic reaction. It stumped two E.R. docs and an immunologist from Johns Hopkins.

House: [picks up a red file] Patient went from asymptomatic to fried kidneys in less than a year. Stumped three internists and a department chair from Harvard.

Foreman: 14-year-old girl, intermittent att*cks.

House: Four-year-old boy, consistently at death's door.

[Foreman smiles and turns to go. House blows the smoke from his finger/six-sh**t and “holsters” it.]

Adams: This patient died five years ago.

[Foreman turns.]

House: I didn't say which side of the door he was on. [With a flourish, Foreman drops his file on House’s desk.] The fact that he's d*ad makes it more interesting. Four-year-olds do not die of Berger's.

{Foreman is out the door. House glares at Adams.]

Adams: I thought it was relevant.

House: Death is a consequence, not a symptom. If it's not a symptom, it's not relevant. [He picks up one file in each hand, weighing them.]

Taub: Shouldn't we be trying to maximize what we can save here? 14-year-old, your freedom, our asses?

House: [gets up] Right… save your asses.

[He leaves, taking his file with him.]

[END OF TEASER]

[OPENING CREDITS]

[ACT ONE]

[Cut to the conference room. Taub, Park and Adams are reviewing Foreman’s file.]

Park: She was in a car accident when she was two. She only had minor injuries, but her father died.

Taub: That was 12 years ago. You think that's pertinent?

Park: No, I think it's sad. She got sick in the middle of her 14th birthday party. Which is sad and pertinent. Maybe she was opening a present that triggered the reaction.

Chase: [enters] Where's House?

Taub: Pissing contest with Foreman.

Adams: [handing Chase a copy of the file] Last thing she ate was strawberry cake, but allergy tests for everything were negative.

Park: Do you like your dentist? I'm still going to my pediatric one. What's your dentist's name?

Chase: [surprised] Williams.

Adams: What if it's not an allergic reaction? Hereditary angioedema or systemic mastocytosis could mimic anaphylaxis.

Park: You're not sure of his name? You just saw him this morning.

Chase: His assistant's name is Angie. Her home number is…

Taub: Normal complement studies. No skin lesions.

Park: [leaning over and inspecting Chase’s hand] You had a manicure. This is fresh! You weren't at the dentist. Why would you lie about that?

Chase: To avoid having this conversation.

Adams: Elevated BP. What about pheochromocytoma?

Taub: Or an anaphylactoid reaction, which could be triggered by certain opioids.

Park: You've had your hair cut three times since I've met you. You can't be embarrassed about a manicure. There's gotta be a deeper reason.

Chase: Did House give you homework?

Adams: She's not on any meds.

Taub: Haven't you heard? Everybody lies.

Adams: And the tox screen was clean.

Taub: Feel free to jump in at any time.

Chase: We'll check catecholamines for pheo and run an expanded opioid panel. You see what the patient says about drug use when her mother's out of the room. [He and Taub leave.]

[Cut to Iris’s room. She’s a soft-spoken teenager with a thick braid.]

Iris: No, never.

Adams: Nobody's here to bust you, Iris. We just need to know if…

Iris: No, I already told you. I just take vitamin C sometimes.

Adams: What exactly were you doing when you had your reaction?

Iris: Opening a birthday present. The Magic 8 Ball. [Adams gives her a look.] The joke gift, not the cocaine. Is that it?

[Cut to the hallway. Taub is talking to Faye, Iris’s mother.]

Taub: Certain drugs could explain her reaction.

Faye: What kind of drugs?

Taub: What kind did you have in mind?

Faye: Iris has always been a moody girl. And now that she's a teenager, it's gotten worse. So for the past few months I've been… giving something to relax her. Diazepam. [Taub looks exasperated.] I tell her it's vitamin C. Being normal is very important to Iris. She couldn't handle the thought of being on meds.

Taub: Anti-anxiety medications would explain it. If we keep her off, she'll be moody, but healthy. [In her room, behind them, Iris leans away from Adams and starts vomiting on the floor. Taub looks.] Or it's something else.

[Cut to Wilson’s office. House opens the door and enters.]

House: I need to DDX a patient with you.

Wilson: I thought you had a team for that.

House: According to Foreman, they're only for DDXing people who are still alive.

Wilson: You have a d*ad patient?

House: Bigotry is boring when we add modifiers. I don't see creed, color, pulse.

Wilson: Foreman will find out you're taking this case and he'll bust you. But you know that, which means… you want to go back to jail… because it's the one place you're unable to indulge your self-destructive habits.

House: Yeah, it's much more likely that I'm taking this case because I miss showering with Cro-Magnons than that I actually happen to find it interesting. Four-year-old kid. His kidneys died, they transfused. His lungs died. He died.

Wilson: Have you seen Bride of the Monster? I just got the Ed Wood box set.

House: What if the chicken was the egg? What if the lung involvement came first?

Wilson: I don't really care about the movie. I just don't want to indulge your…

House: Lupus.

Wilson: Because this is a bad idea, House.

House: If the kid had a rash or some circulation issue… [He looks at his watch.] Damn! [Wilson looks startled.] I just realized I'm late for my anger management class.

[He leaves. Wilson stares after him.]

[Cut to a generic, self-help-group room. There’s a stage with a drum set on it. On one wall there is a large coffeepot. Gene, the group leader, writes “Temper Triggers” on the blackboard and underlines it.]

Gene: Traffic, for sure.

Dixon: Taxes.

Gene: Definitely taxes.

Lena: Spoiled grandchildren.

House: Platitudes.

[The others look at him. Gene shakes his head like he’s heard this before.]

Gene: Any others?

House: And I lose my temper when someone suggests that a handful of pop-psych catch phrases can control our most seminal, intractable, and natural reaction to a d*ad child. [He turns to a man who is slumped forward in his chair, elbows on his knees.] Am I right, Emory?

Gene: I don't think Emory wants to share right now.

House: They blew it, didn't they? They missed your son's rash. A faint one, on his cheek.

Emory: [quietly] He didn't have a rash. I think we should talk about Lena's grandchildren.

House: They're alive. Was he sensitive to sunlight?

Emory: No.

Gene: Greg…

House: Cold fingers and toes?

Emory: [sharply] No!

[House thinks]

[Cut to the end of the session. Emory and House are putting their jackets on.]

House: Wegener's granulomatosis. I need to examine your son.

Emory: You're a bit late for that… you ass.

[He starts to leave. House follows him.]

House: With you and your wife's consent, we can get an exhumation order. Find out what k*lled him.

Emory: Ex-wife. And you'll never get her consent. She's moved on… new hub, new kid. She wants nothing to do with Drew's death. Or me.

[He turns to leave again. House grabs his arm.]

House: You're angry because your kid died. More than that, because you don't have an answer. People need answers.

Emory: [miserable] He's in a crypt at St. Jude's Cemetery.

[Cut to Iris’s room. Adams palpates her abdomen.]

Adams: You feeling any pain or cramping here?

Iris: A bit. But not just there, um… here. [She touches her chest.]

Taub: Breast tenderness. Have you been having regular periods, Iris?

Iris: Not really.

Faye: What is it?

Taub: I think we should run a pregnancy test.

Faye: Iris isn't sexually active. She doesn't even have a boyfriend.

Adams: Pregnancy would explain all of her symptoms. Can even cause some unpredictable allergic reactions.

Iris: How can I be pregnant if I've never even had sex?

Adams: We just need a drop of blood.

[Iris looks down, distressed and confused.]

Taub: What's the matter?

Iris: My… my arms. I can't feel my arms.

[END OF ACT ONE]

[ACT TWO]

[Cut to St. Jude’s Cemetery. House follows Milton, the ancient caretaker, down a circular drive.]

House: At this rate, I'm gonna need to pick out a plot for myself.

Milton: Thanks to your generous donation, you have all morning.

House: More like 13 minutes.

Milton: Before we proceed any further, doctor, I'd like inquire as to exactly what procedure you intend to perform on the remains.

House: Have you ever heard of the North American Man/d*ad Boy Love Association?

Milton: I consider these grounds to be a holy place, and I would ask you to observe them with due decorum.

House: So you're taking bribes to plunder graves, and I need to show respect. [Milton doesn’t move.] I think they got the cause of death wrong. And if I find a hole in the cartilage of his nose, right about here, then it means I'm right.

Milton: Please be respectful.

[Cut to Milton opening the double doors to the crypt.]

Milton: I prepared the sarcophagus for you.

House: Thank you, Igor.

Milton: It's Milton.

[Milton leaves. House takes out a flashlight and looks around. Everything is stone and looks clammy. It’s totally quiet as House prepares to take the lid off the sarcophagus. The ringing of House’s cell phone shatters the silence. House jumps and drops the tool he was going to use to pry off the lid.]

House: [answering phone] You owe me a new pair of pants.

[It’s pitch black except for the occasional ray of light from House’s flashlight. He has put his phone on speaker so he can continue to work as he talks.]

Adams: [voice] She is pregnant. Test came back positive.

House: So… she lost the use of her arms and her innocence. A vengeful God? [He gets the lid off the sarcophagus with a clatter.] Or…

Taub: [voice] Cerebral tumor.

Adams: [voice] Vasculitis.

Park: [voice] MS.

House: [peering through the gloom at the body] I gather from the silence that Chase isn't there.

[Cut to the conference room. Chase enters.]

Chase: Nope, I'm here. Where are you?

House: "Nowhere"… he said cryptically. I assume you concur with the diagnosis.

Chase: Absolutely.

House: Even though there are three diagnoses? And MS and vasculitis usually get better with pregnancy.

Chase: Yeah, I was saying I agreed with the other one.

Park: [rising from her seat to stare intently at Chase] He's had his eyebrows waxed.

[Intercut between House in the crypt and the conference room.]

Chase: [voice] I met a woman who likes her men well groomed.

House: All over? [He inserts a metal tool in the corpse’s nose] I assume, from the silence, that Chase has had a Brazilian.

Adams: Cool.

Park: Interesting.

Taub: Ouch.

[In the crypt, House finishes examining Drew. He obviously didn’t find what he was looking for.]

House: Question is… is this really about a woman? Or is it about something more profound?

Chase: Another question is, could the paresthesia be caused by an STD? HIV-related mononeuritis multiplex.

House: [shining his flashlight along Drew’s body] I gather from the silence that either you all agree with Chase or you're just staring at his emasculated brow. In either case, test for HIV and do an MRI to rule out tumors. [looks at his watch] And check Chase for testosterone.

[The connection clicks off. House focuses his search on Drew’s fingers which are caked with dirt.]

[There’s a loud banging noise. Cut to Iris in the MRI. Cut to the observation room. Adams and Chase are at the table, monitoring Iris. Taub enters.]

Taub: Blood work was negative for HIV. All the money's on tumor.

Adams: How was the Brazilian?

Chase: It was fine. Hurt a bit.

Adams: What about House's theory? Why'd you really do it?

Chase: 'Cause I'm vain and shallow.

Adams: And you weren't before?

Chase: The girl I was seeing wasn't. There's nothing profound here.

Taub: No tumor, either. It's not her brain.

[Cut to the MRI.]

Taub: [to Iris] Everything looks good.

[Iris reaches over to rub her right arm.]

Adams: What's the matter?

Iris: My arm, it's…

Chase: Still nothing?

Iris: No, now they're sore.

Adams: [puzzled] Paresthesia's gone.

[Taub lifts the right sleeve on Iris’s gown. It’s covered in purple bruises.]

[END OF ACT TWO]

[ACT THREE]

[Cut to an elevator. House, in his winter coat, and the team get off.]

Chase: Could the bruising be caused by a physical trauma?

Taub: You think she fell out of bed, repeatedly?

Park: A blood disorder. Maybe thrombocytopenia.

Adams: A vitamin K deficiency or scurvy could explain bleeding problems, and pregnancy could exacerbate it.

House: Boys, do a home search. Girls, do lab tests. I'm pretty sure that's not sexist.

[The team takes off. House turns to his office. Foreman, is leaning on a wall on the opposite side of the hall, waiting.]

Foreman: Where have you been?

House: Picking up dry cleaning. Filling up the t*nk. Violating the d*ad. If you don't believe me, call the monitoring company.

Foreman: I did. Unfortunately, the Patuxent River Naval Air Station was GPS testing and disrupted the signal, at the exact same 45 minutes you weren't here.

House: Well, if I'd known I had 45 minutes of freedom, I'd have gone hang gliding.

Foreman: I admire the creativity. But what happens when the stunt doesn't work? Think you're gonna have to pay off a bet? Think I'm gonna triple your clinic hours? I'm gonna call your P.O., and you're gonna go back to jail.

[They look at each other. Foreman turns and leaves.]

[Cut to House and Wilson in the cafeteria.]

House: There are Mees' lines on his fingernails, so now I'm thinking heavy metal poisoning.

Wilson: You're an addict. And I'm an idiot for thinking that your addictions were limited to pills, anti-social behavior, and sarcasm.

House: [burps loudly] Sorry. Vicodin repeating on me.

Wilson: You're also addicted to puzzles. You show all the classic behaviors. Lying, neglecting responsibilities, and you can't stop, no matter how devastating the consequences.

House: Working on a medical case is not a parole violation. It's my job description.

Wilson: Your job description is doing what Foreman tells you to do.

House: Never mind Bride of the Monster. You need to watch Norma Rae.

[Cut to a restaurant. The anger management group is at a table. House stands next to them.]

House: Before we get started, I just want to thank you all for agreeing to relocate. Um, I had an appointment in this part of town, and I obviously didn't want to miss this meeting. But, uh, thank you. I'm buying. Not literally. Hey, Emory, should we, uh, powder our noses?

[Emory follows House down a hallway that leads to a back door.]

House: Hey, did you know your ex-wife still lives right behind this place?

[Cut to House opening a back gate. Emory follows him through.]

House: She finishes work at 4:00. Picks up her new kid at 4:15. Gives us about 20 minutes. I made some calls. It's amazing what people will tell you if you ask rudely enough. [points to a picnic table on the back patio] Was that table here? [Emory nods.] Some kinds of pressure-treated wood can contain arsenic.

Emory: We shouldn't be here.

House: We don't have a choice. This is the only way you're gonna get your answer. Does your ex leave a spare key anywhere?

Emory: How did he look?

[House looks at him. Emory is on the verge of tears.]

House: Peaceful.

[Cut to Chase in Iris’s bedroom. Taub enters.]

Taub: Vitamin K deficiency's a bust. Fridge has more spinach and broccoli than a farmer's market. The Brazilian… you said it hurt "a bit."

Chase: You've had one?

Taub: More than one, and you haven't. They hurt all your bits. That's my dark secret. What's yours?

[Chase continues searching the room as he talks.]

Chase: I had the nails and eyebrows done, but that's it. I just needed to create a distraction, though. I met a TV producer at a dinner. She asked me to appear on the medical segment. Screen tested it yesterday and sh*t it today.

Taub: You're a TV doctor?

Chase: It's a one-off.

Taub: When's it air?

Chase: Two hours ago. Otherwise, I'd still be lying.

Taub: [picking up the Magic 8 Ball] This is what she was opening when she had her att*ck. Will anyone believe Chase is an actual doctor? [He shakes the ball and reads the bottom.] "Don't count on it."

[Chase is looking in a dresser drawer. He looks at the outside then reaches in and pulls up the false bottom. He looks at Taub who comes over. In the lower part of the drawer there is a stack of letters, a silver flask, some cards and various other items. Chase picks up the top letter.]

Chase: She does have a boyfriend.

Taub: Love letters. [He picks up the rest of the letters. Chase gets the DVDs that were under them.] p*rn.

Chase: The nasty kind. t*rture, r*pe… animals.

Taub: Sweet kid.

[Cut to a door opening. House, followed by Emory, enters the house. House goes straight to the kitchen and starts inspecting things. Emory looks around the living room, pulls a bottle from his jacket and takes a drink.

[Cut to Emory steeling himself before opening the door to a room. On the other side is a typical “boy’s” room. Emory sighs. He sinks onto a seat and cries quietly as he traces Drew’s height markers along the closet doorjamb.]

[House comes down the hall, looking for Emory. He finds him on the floor of the room with a file-size cardboard storage box open in front of him.]

Emory: This is all that's left. One box in the bottom of a closet.

[House joins him. Emory picks up a stuffed zebra and holds it to his face. House shows him a set of joke teeth.]

Emory: Ohh. He used to wear those stupid things all the time. Used to have to pretend I was scared.

House: Made in the People's Republic of Lead Paint.

[They both look up at the sound of a car pulling up outside]

Emory: Back door.

House: [grabbing his backpack] Let's get out of here first. We need to catch the end of our class.

[Cut to Iris’s room. She’s looking at the pile of letters Chase and Taub found.]

Iris: I met him at school. He was the only boy that liked me.

Faye: It's a little more than like.

Iris: We haven't had sex.

Fay: Oh, come on, Iris. You're pregnant.

Iris: So I'm just lying about everything?

Faye: [getting angry] Well, you lied about the boyfriend. You obviously lied about sex and this… garbage.

Iris: They're his. He can't keep them at his place.

Faye: Well, I'm glad we could be so accommodating. What else don't I know? [Iris crumbles and Faye relents.] Honey… what is it?

Iris: He came here last night. And he told me I should leave. [Crying] But I didn't want to, and he got mad.

Faye: He h*t you?

Chase: Physical trauma.

Taub: Explains the negatives of the blood disorder.

Faye: We should call the police.

Iris: I won't tell them anything.

Faye: That's ridiculous. He b*at you!

[Iris seems woozy. She looks at Chase and Taub who are very out of focus.]

Chase: What is it?

Iris: It's getting hard to see. What the hell is happening to me?

[END OF ACT THREE]

[ACT FOUR]

[Cut to House’s living room. He and Emory are on the couch. House is pouring liquids into glasses.]

House: Rubbing alcohol, vinegar. [He inspects the next bottle.] Not sure what this is.

Emory: Aren't there actual medical tests?

House: d*ad patients usually get a lower standard of care. Pink means lead. Orange means mercury. And rust means arsenic.

[He adds another liquid to the glasses while Emory takes a swig from his own bottle.]

Emory: And what's brown mean?

House: Scotch.

[Emory scoffs as House drinks the contents of one glass.]

[House checks the contents of each glass. No change. He turns to Emory and they each sighs. Emory looks at the stuffed zebra on the table and gives a slight chuckle.]

Emory: He used to call him "Deezer." He couldn't say "zebra." He'd have his own words for everything. We called 'em "Drewisms."

House: How does your ex-wife do it? How come she's not… angry and miserable?

Emory: She treated it like it never happened. She never even cried. Not even at his funeral. I was a mess, and she just sat there like… a statue.

[Cut to the hospital lobby. Foreman is waiting for an elevator. Wilson joins him.]

Wilson: We have a problem.

Foreman: Does it limp?

[The elevator arrives and they get in.]

Wilson: Why do you care if he works on two cases?

Foreman: 'Cause next, it'll be three cases, then four. Then animal cases and ghost cases. Then animal ghost cases. Assuming, of course, we are talking about House.

Wilson: You're just setting yourself up to fail.

Foreman: He has a lot more to lose than I do, and he knows that. He's rational.

Wilson: No, he's not.

Foreman: He's the most rational man I've ever met. Annoyingly so. He isn't gonna put himself back in jail over a d*ad kid.

Wilson: He's an addict, and he will put himself back in jail over a puzzle.

Foreman: He'll back down.

[Foreman gets off the elevator.]

[Cut to the conference room. House is there, Chase, Park and Adams enter and take seats at the table.]

Park: Halfway through the perimetry exam, her tunnel vision went away. She can see perfectly.

Chase: TIA. The word "transient" is right there in the name.

[House chuckling. The others look over. House is sitting with Taub. They are enjoying something on House’s computer screen.]

Chase: Ah, here we go.

[House turns the computer around. Chase, dressed in a bush shirt and hat is standing in front of a studio wall. An inset picture of Australia says “DOCTOR DOWN UNDER.” House presses the play button.]

Chase: Chesa, after giving the pics an eye or two, I can confirm that Lauren's surgeries cost her some big bikkies. Not only was there a gut tuck, nose tuck, and arse tuck, but her new, fake norks stick out like nuts on a mutt.

[At PPTH, Chase ducks his head while Doctor Down Under gestures to ensure we know what “norks” are. Cut to the in-studio hosts, laughing. Back at the hospital, Taub smirks.]

Chase: The original script was…

House: Shh, shh, shh.

Chase: [on screen] Anyone notice…

House: [pointing at the computer] He's enlightening us.

Chase: [on screen] That's 'cause he's retooled the ol' todger. Let's just hope no one cut the wrong wire, eh? [Doctor Down Under gestures and laughs like an idiot.]

[Chase mocks their laughter as he comes over and shuts the laptop.]

Park: So you just wanted to look pretty on TV.

House: Question is, why did he want that? [looks at his watch] Clinic time.

Taub: What do you want us to do?

House: MRA 4 TIA. ROFL.

[He starts to leave.]

Adams: Thought you only had clinic on Tuesdays.

House: Oh, you're right. [leaves anyway]

[Cut to Exam Room One. House enters. Mickey stands.]

Mickey: Hi. I'm here for the free flu sh*t. I got a call saying…

House: I'm here to find out why you didn't care about your first kid. Losing a child… just breezed right through it.

Mickey: How do you know about my first kid…

House: Didn't even squeeze out a single tear at the funeral.

Mickey: Where are you getting this?

House: You couldn't wait to squeeze out a brand-new replacement kid.

[She slaps him, hard.]

House: Damn it.

Mickey: You had no right to say that.

House: I know. I deserved the slap. But I was hoping that you weren't capable of it. Apathetic hyperthyroidism. Could have kidney involvement. Could be genetic. Definitely causes apathy. I was hoping that your lack of emotion was a symptom of something you could have passed on to your first son.

Mickey: [She figures it out.] You know Emory.

House: We belong to the same club.

Mickey: He wants to relive this. I don't.

House: So I heard.

Mickey: [uncomfortable] Emory was a wonderful man. Never afraid to show his emotions. Which is great, most of the time. But when Drew died… it overwhelmed him. I vowed I wouldn't let that happen to me.

House: So that's why you left him?

Mickey: I left because of his eyes. He had Drew's eyes.

House: Who used to babysit Drew?

Mickey: My father, but…

House: His place or yours?

Mickey: There are two types of people. Those who can move on, and those who can't. My father keeps up a good front, but he's just like Emory. You need to leave him alone.

House: So he has two types of people inside of him.

[House walks out, leaving Mickey standing there.]

[Cut to House striding through the hall. He reaches Iris’s room.

House: MRA was normal.

Taub: Yeah, how did…

House: [to Iris] I found out where your boyfriend lives. When I paid him a visit, he took off. Ran in front of a car.

Iris: You're lying.

House: He's down in the E.R. right now.

Iris: Shut up, you lying sack of crap.

Faye: Iris!

House: How do you know I'm lying? How do you know your boyfriend's okay?

Iris: 'Cause I'm right here, you dick.

[END OF ACT FOUR]

[ACT FIVE]

[Iris’s room. Chase and Taub are talking to Iris and Faye.]

Chase: Iris has dissociative identity disorder. Also known as multiple personality disorder.

Iris: Are you saying I'm crazy?

Chase: It's the mind's response to a severe trauma. A person experiences something that's too difficult to accept, so they create alternate personalities that don't have to accept it. Some think it's quite a natural reaction.

Faye: Iris hasn't had any severe traumas.

Taub: The car accident?

Iris: I was two. I don't remember anything. These personalities that I'm supposed to have… Where are they?

Taub: They only come out when you're afraid or anxious. That's why House used the hurt boyfriend story.

Faye: But if there's no boyfriend, where did the bruises come from? The pregnancy?

Chase: When you say your boyfriend h*t you, it means you actually h*t yourself.

Taub: And the pregnancy… doesn't take a boyfriend, just a boy. [Iris sits, barely moving, trying to grasp all this.] You may not be aware of half the things you've done.

Faye: How could this be happening to my own daughter without me knowing it?

Taub: Diazepam was masking it. Taking her off made it more apparent.

Iris: But I… I wasn't on… "diazepam"? What is that?

Faye: That's what those vitamin pills were. Iris… I am so sorry. I just… I thought you were moody. I didn't want you to think you needed medication. [Crying] Oh, my God. I can't believe how stupid I've been.

Chase: [sitting on a stool next to Iris’s bed] We need you to help us with something. Different alters can he different apparent symptoms. Allergies, paresthesia, vision loss, changes in blood pressure.

Iris: Do you think I'm making this up?

Chase: Your symptoms are real. But some are physiological, and others are psychological.

Faye: So there's something wrong with her… in addition to the multiple personalities?

Chase: Yes, but we won't know what until we access her alters and compare their symptoms.

Iris: Well, how do you do that?

Chase: Hypnosis.

[Cut to House’s office. House is getting ready to go out.]

Wilson: Foreman's not gonna back down.

House: He's not an idiot.

Wilson: Yes, he is. Just like you. If you keep being stubborn, he will keep being stubborn. Eventually, you will screw something up. Which will be bad news for both of you. But… only one of you will be in prison. It just isn't worth it, House.

House: [quietly] Okay.

[House tosses his backpack on a chair and sits down at his desk. Wilson sighs and leaves.]

[Montage of House fidgeting, with the sound of House clicking a pen open and shut throughout. Cut to House’s hand, playing with a rubber band. Cut to his feet on his desk, bouncing his ball against the wall. Cut to his feet on the floor, jiggling his heel. Cut to him trying to concentrate on something he’s reading while he clicks the pen against his forehead. He has an idea and gives up on trying not to work on Drew’s case. He drops the pen on his desk and grabs his jacket.]

[Cut to a suburban road. House crosses the street to a small, wooden house. He’s talking to his parole officer on the phone.]

House: Uh, y-yes, sir. I… yes, I know I told you that I had a chiropractor's appointment, but, uh, I got a flat. I know, right? So… [He reaches the porch and rings the doorbell.] …you know, don't send out the marines. I should be back on the road in a few minutes. Okay bye. [He hangs up. A man in his 60s opens the door.] Dr. James Wilson, County Coroner. I'd like to ask you about your grandson, Drew Lemaine.

[Cut to House looks at various craft figurines. A door opens and closes and Mickey’s father comes back in the room. He pours a cup of tea for each of them.]

House: What did he do when he was here? Where did he play? What did he eat?

Grandpa: We watched lot of TV. And ate biscuits.

House: Did you give him sidewalk chalk?

Grandpa: No.

House: Finger paints?

Grandpa: No!

House: A sandbox?

Grandpa: It's like I said. We watched a lotta TV.

[A car door slams outside. House looks up at the sound.]

House: You expecting someone?

Grandpa: What? [The door opens. Mickey and her husband, Ray, rush in.] Dr. Wilson my ass!

Mickey: I told you to leave him alone, you son of a bitch!

[Ray grabs House by the shirtfront.]

House: Temper trigger.

[Ray punches House in the face.]

[Cut to Iris’s room. Taub and Adams watch; Park takes notes. Chase, who did a hypnosis rotation in Melbourne, is talking to Iris.]

Chase: Who am I talking to now?

Iris: [little girl voice] Nobody.

Chase: You must be somebody.

Iris: I'm too little. Nobody sees me. Nobody knows I'm here.

Adams: BP just went to 140 over 90.

Chase: What is it?

Iris: My arms.

Chase: You can't feel them? It's okay. We can fix that. Do you hurt anywhere else?

Iris: Not right now.

Chase: But you used to hurt?

Iris: When I ate strawberries. [pause] And when I remember…

Chase: Do you remember being hurt?

Iris: I remember everything.

[A muffled car horn can be heard. Flashback to the car accident ten years earlier. There is a lot of broken glass. Baby Iris is wearing a parka and a pink hat. Her father talks to her. His voice is weak.]

Father: Baby… It's going to be okay, baby.

[Siren approach]

[Cut back to Iris’s room.]

Faye: [stroking her daughter’s hair] Iris? Why didn't you ever tell me?

Iris: [back as her 12-year-old self, crying] It was my fault Daddy died.

Faye: Oh, no. No.

Iris: Yes, it was. I was crying and he couldn't drive. It was my fault daddy's…

Faye: Oh, no. No, no, honey.

Iris: Yes.

Faye: You were just a baby. It wasn't your fault. No, shh. [Sobbing] Oh, baby.

Iris: It was my fault. I'm sorry, Mommy.

Faye: Shh.

Iris: I'm so sorry.

[Taub notices a spot on Iris’s blanket. He pulls it back and there is blood everywhere, spreading out from Iris’s pelvis. Faye gasps]

[END OF ACT FIVE]

[ACT SIX]

[Cut to the conference room. Adams is writing on the whiteboard. There are columns with symptoms for each of Iris’s personalities.]

Chase: It wasn't a miscarriage. Test shows she's still pregnant. Okay, cross out everything that doesn't appear in every alter.

Taub: When she opened the Magic 8 Ball, that triggered a switch to a personality with a strawberry allergy.

Adams: [reading the symptoms that haven’t been crossed out] Pregnancy, vaginal bleeding, and elevated B.P.

Park: Could be pre-eclampsia.

Adams: Worst case, could be an ectopic pregnancy.

Chase: We need to ultrasound.

[He leaves with Adams right behind him.]

[Cut to treatment room. Chase is doing the ultrasound.]

Adams: Not seeing an embryo in the fallopian tube.

Chase: I'm not seeing an embryo anywhere.

[Cut to hallway. Chase and Adams are talking to House who has a black eye.]

House: Which idiot did the pregnancy test?

Adams: I did one of them. Chase did another. Taub did a third. Three tests, three positives. What happened to your eye?

House: I grabbed Park's ass. Exoplanets.

Adams: I think he said exoplanets.

Chase: Wait for it…

House: We can't actually see them… but we infer their existence because of the effect they have on the star they orbit.

Chase: Pregnancy test only infers an embryo's existence because of elevated hCG levels.

Adams: [nodding] Which could also be caused by choriocarcinoma, which affects the placenta, mimics pregnancy, and causes elevated BP and vaginal bleeding.

Chase: Occult choriocarcinoma, which is why we didn't see it on the ultrasound.

House: Tell all the alters that they have cancer. [walks away]

[Cut to House entering a lounge. Wilson is on the couch reading. He looks at House.]

Wilson: Mom or dad?

House: Mom, dad, and mom's dad. The good news is, made me realize that you were right. I can't drop it. But now that I accept that, I feel much less conflicted. I've ruled out Wegener's, Berger's, heavy metal poison…

Wilson: Two trains are about to collide, and I'm trying to talk them out of it.

House: Feels like I'm missing something.

Wilson: No, no. You don't want to listen to me, then I don't want to listen to you.

House: That is so fifth grade.

Wilson: [sitting up] I agree. And you know why? Because I'm just as bad as you. I knew this would fall on deaf ears, but I just kept talking and talking.

House: You're right.

Wilson: You don't even know what I just said.

House: That is ridiculous. You said, "blah blah blah blah blah, deaf ears, blah blah blah blah blah." Absolutely essential information. [He leaves.]

[Cut to Mickey cleaning up her living room. As she stands, she notices something in the yard. She leans to the window and sees House crouched down, talking to her son.]

Mickey: Ray… [yelling as she opens the door and heads for House] Ray! Leave him alone. What are you doing to him? [The boy whimpers slightly as she clutches him.] It's okay.

Emory: Mickey…

Mickey: You? You brought him.

[Emory is standing just outside the fence.]

House: I asked him to meet me here for a family reunion.

Mickey: Ray!

Emory: Let's just get out of here, okay?

House: I know what k*lled your son.

Mickey: You don't get it, do you? I don't care what k*lled him!

House: It's called Alport syndrome. It's a genetic condition characterized by kidney failure, bronchial myomas, Mees' lines, and deafness.

Mickey: Idiot. Drew wasn't deaf!

Emory: [quietly] House…

Ray: Son of a bitch! [hurtling across the yard and grabbing House] Get away from them!

Emory: [trying to get him away] House, House!

House: It's a genetic condition!

Ray: Shut up!

House: [loudly and enunciating each syllable] Genetic! [Ray and Mickey look at each other as what House said sinks in.] Your father has the gene. So do you. It's grandpa's slight deafness that gave the game away. You're apparently asymptomatic. You could still pass the gene onto your children. Plural.

Mickey: [holding her son who has his face buried in her leg] You're lying.

[House holds up a tuning fork. He taps it against his head and it makes a high, quiet sound.]

House: [gently] He has high-frequency hearing impairment. [Mickey looks down at her son who has not moved.] And so did Drew. That's why Drew made up his own words. 'Cause he couldn't hear properly. It's okay. Now that we know what it is, he'll need treatment, but he'll live. [to Ray, who finally lets go of House’s shirt] There are platitudes that can help you with that.

[Ray goes to Mickey and their son. A siren shrieks once as a police car pulls up across the street. Emory gives a few shaky sighs. House opens the gate and crosses the street as Mickey approaches Emory, finally crying.]

Mickey: I miss him too.

[House gets in the back of the police car. He looks at Emory and Mickey who are both crying as the cruiser drives off.]

[Cut to Iris’s room. She’s asleep. Faye is holding her hand. Adams checks the IV bags.]

Adams: She's responding well. [leaves]

[Cut to the waiting area outside Foreman’s office. House watches as Foreman, inside, angrily paces back and forth. He is clearly nervous.]

[Cut to the office. Foreman is talking to Wilson.]

Foreman: Cuddy thr*at him with clinic duty. I thought thr*at him with jail would be different.

Wilson: Not an irrational thought.

Foreman: I'm still sending him back.

Wilson: He saved two lives.

Foreman: Which means it's too late for me to back down. It's no longer my choice. It's just me telling him he can get away with anything. I have to send him to prison.

Wilson: [sighs] Your job is to keep this machine running. It's your choice to make House a useful tool or a monkey wrench. Cuddy's way didn't fail because she didn't try to control House. She managed him. She knew better than anybody what a tool he could be.

[Cut to the waiting area. House is hunched over, fidgeting with his cane. The door opens. House looks up as Wilson comes out. Wilson gives him a significant look and leaves. Foreman comes out and sits in the chair next to House.]

Foreman: [long pause] What would Cuddy have done?

House: Ten clinic hours.

Foreman: [sighs] Cuddy's not here anymore. You got 30.

[Foreman goes back into his office. House thinks.]

[THE END]
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x07 - d*ad & Buried"}