By David Agnew (alias Douglas Adams with Graham Williams)

(From a story line by David Fisher)

EPISODE 3

First shown 13 October, 1979
6:20pm - 6:45pm

ROMANA: I thought the Louvre was meant to be well-guarded.

DUGGAN: It is. It just looks as though every alarm in the place has been immobilised. A fantastic feat.

ROMANA: The Count's got some clever technology here as well.

DUGGAN: There's another alarm been immobilised.

ROMANA: You've got a pretty cynical attitude to life, haven't you, Duggan.

DUGGAN: Well, when you've been around as long as I have. How old are you, anyway?

ROMANA: Hundred and twenty five.

DUGGAN: What?

ROMANA: It's gone!

DUGGAN: The system around it should be absolutely impregnable. It can't be turned off!

ROMANA: Well, someone seems to have managed it somehow.

DUGGAN: But the only way that you can get into that painting is to

DUGGAN: Hells bells!

ROMANA: That's what it sounds like. Let's go!

DUGGAN: Split up. We'll meet back at the cafe.

ROMANA: But how do you suggest we get out?

DUGGAN: See that window?

ROMANA: Yes.

KERENSKY: Mona Lisas.

SCARLIONI: Doctor, will you explain to me exactly how you come to be in Paris 1979 and

TANCREDI: Florence 1505. I am waiting, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Well, I do flit about a bit, you know.

TANCREDI: Through time?

DOCTOR: Yes, I suppose so.

TANCREDI: How, precisely?

DOCTOR: I don't know. I don't seem to be able to help myself. There I am, just walking along minding my own business and pop! I'm on a different planet or even a different time. But enough of my problems. What are you doing here?

TANCREDI: I will tell you. The knowledge will be of little use to you, since you will shortly die. I am the last of the Jagaroth. I am also the saviour of the Jagaroth.

DOCTOR: Well, I mean, if you're the last of them, there can't be that many about to save, can there? Jagaroth?

TANCREDI: You've heard of us.

DOCTOR: Jagaroth. I think it was on one of my trips. Yes, you all destroyed yourself in some massive w*r. Wait, when.

TANCREDI: Four hundred million years I think is the figure you're looking for.

DOCTOR: Is it really? How time passes. So what are you doing here?

TANCREDI: Surviving. The prime motive of all species. We were not all destroyed. A few of us escaped in a crippled spacecraft and made planetfall in this world in its primeval time. We found it uninhabitable.

DOCTOR: Yes, well, four hundred million years ago it would have been a bit of a shambles. No life to tidy it up. No life.

TANCREDI: We tried to leave but the ship disintegrated. I was fractured. Splinters of my being are scattered in time. All identical, none complete. I am not satisfied with your explanation. How do you travel through time?

DOCTOR: Well, as I was saying

TANCREDI: What is that box?

DOCTOR: What box?

TANCREDI: That box.

DOCTOR: That box? I don't know. I've never seen that box in my life. Ah!

DOCTOR: The original, I presume? Completed in 1503 and it's now what, 1505, and you're getting the old boy to do you another six, yes, which you then brick up in a cellar in Paris for Scarlioni to find in four hundred and seventy four time. That's a very nice piece of capital investment.

TANCREDI: I can see that you are a dangerously clever man, Doctor. I think it's time we conducted this conversation somewhat more formally.

DOCTOR: Oh, thank you.

TANCREDI: Hold him here while I collect the instruments of t*rture. If he wags his tongue, confiscate it.

DOCTOR: How can I talk if you confiscate my

TANCREDI: You can write, can't you?

DOCTOR: Yes.

DOCTOR: He's mad, isn't he? Must be a tough job humouring him. You don't believe all that, do you?

SOLDIER: What?

DOCTOR: Well, Jagaroth spaceships. Isn't it. Isn't it?

SOLDIER: I'm paid simply to fight.

DOCTOR: Yes, well, I mean, quite honestly, when you think about all that Jagaroth spaceship.

SOLDIER: When you work for the Borgias, you believe anything.

DOCTOR: The Borgias? Yes, yes, I see your point.

SOLDIER: As I said, I'm paid to fight.

DOCTOR: Yes. As I said, I see your point.

DOCTOR: No, no, it's all right, all right. Come on now. Smile. You can do it. There you are.

DOCTOR: There we are. Here we are, look.

DOCTOR: Isn't that nice? Isn't that nice?

DOCTOR (OOV.): Dear Leo. Sorry to have missed you. Hope you're well. Sorry about the mess on the panels. Just paint over, there's a good chap. See you earlier. Love, the Doctor.

TANCREDI: Just about to pop off through time again, Doctor? How very discourteous when I'd gone to all the trouble of fetching the thumbscrews.

SCARLIONI: Kerensky.

KERENSKY: Yes?

SCARLIONI: Where am I?

KERENSKY: In Paris, of course.

SCARLIONI: Paris.

KERENSKY: Yes.

SCARLIONI: A dream. Perhaps a dream.

KERENSKY: Who, who are you?

SCARLIONI: I am who I am, Kerensky. I am the one who pays you to work. Now, to it. Time is short.

KERENSKY: But your face.

SCARLIONI: Do you pick a quarrel with my face, Kerensky? Beware I do not pick a quarrel with yours. I may choose instruments somewhat sharper than words.

KERENSKY: Who are the Jagaroth?

SCARLIONI: So, no dream. The Jagaroth. You serve the Jagaroth. Now work!

KERENSKY: It's the Jagaroth who need all the chickens, is it?

SCARLIONI: The chickens! You never cease to amaze me, that such a giant intellect could live in such a tiny mind.

JAGAROTH (OOV.): Scaroth!

SCARLIONI: I must think. I must have time to think.

KERENSKY: What have you been making me work for? I thought we were working to feed the human race.

SCARLIONI: The human race. We are working for a far greater purpose, on a scale you could not conceive. The fate of the Jagaroth is in my hands, and you will work for my purpose willingly or unwillingly.

DUGGAN: I thought these places were meant to be open all night.

ROMANA: You should go into partnership with a glazier. You'd have a truly symbiotic working relationship.

DUGGAN: What?

ROMANA: I'm just pointing out that you break a lot of glass.

DUGGAN: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.

ROMANA: If you wanted an omelette, I'd expect to find a pile of broken crockery, a cooker in flames and an unconscious chef.

DUGGAN: Listen, I get results.

ROMANA: Do you? The Count's got the Mona Lisa.

DUGGAN: Yeah, all seven of them. You know what I don't understand?

ROMANA: I expect so.

DUGGAN: There are seven potential buyers and exactly seven Mona Lisas.

ROMANA: Yes.

DUGGAN: Yet six of them have been sitting bricked up for centuries.

ROMANA: What, buyers?

DUGGAN: No, Mona Lisas. How did the Count know where they were? How did he know where to get them?

ROMANA: Taxes the mind, doesn't it.

SCARLIONI: You will now see the true end product of your labours. This is what you will now produce for me. Look at it.

KERENSKY: But Count, this machine is precisely the reverse of what we, of what I have been working on.

SCARLIONI: But you will agree that the research you have done under my guidance points equally well in either direction.

KERENSKY: Yes, yes, it does. It means increasing the very effect I was trying to eliminate.

SCARLIONI: Precisely.

KERENSKY: But the scale of this is fantastic. Count, what you are trying to do, this is monstrous beyond imagining.

SCARLIONI: But you will do it.

KERENSKY: No! A thousand times no.

SCARLIONI: What?

KERENSKY: Even if I wanted to, I could not.

SCARLIONI: Oh? Why is that?

KERENSKY: Equipment on this scale, power on this scale, it would cost millions and millions. Even you, Count, could not afford such things.

HERMANN (OOV.): Excellency!

HERMANN: Excellency! The Mona Lisa is no longer in the Louvre!

SCARLIONI: Ha ha! Excellent, Hermann, excellent.

HERMANN: The moment the news breaks, sir, each of our seven buyers will be ready.

SCARLIONI: And how much money will this bring us, Hermann?

HERMANN: About a hundred million dollars, sir.

SCARLIONI: Continue with your work, Professor. Enjoy it, or you will die.

TANCREDI: I haven't started yet.

DOCTOR: I know, it's just his hands are cold.

TANCREDI: So sensitive. I think we're in for a little treat.

DOCTOR: All this is totally unnecessary.

TANCREDI: You make it necessary. You will not tell me the truth.

DOCTOR: I've changed my mind. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's being tortured by someone with cold hands. What is it you want to know?

TANCREDI: Excellent. I want to know how you travel through time.

DOCTOR: It's simple. I'm a Time Lord.

TANCREDI: And the girl? The truth.

DOCTOR: Well.

TANCREDI: Time is running out, Doctor.

DOCTOR: What do you mean, time's running out. It's only 1505.

DOCTOR: All right, all right. I'll tell you. There is one thing I'd like to know is how do you communicate across time with the other splinters of yourself?

TANCREDI: I am asking the questions.

COUNTESS: Why do you still worry, my dear? We've done it! We have the Mona Lisa. Think of the wealth that will be ours.

SCARLIONI: The wealth is not everything.

COUNTESS: Of course. The achievement. Yes, the achievement.

SCARLIONI: Achievement? You talk to me of achievement because I steal the Mona Lisa? Can you imagine how a man might feel who has caused the pyramids to be built, the heavens to be mapped, invented the first wheel, shown the true use of f*re, brought up a whole race from nothing to save his own race?

COUNTESS: What are you talking about? No one can achieve everything.

SCARLIONI: I do not ask for everything. I ask for but a single life and the life of my people.

COUNTESS: Are you feeling all right, my dear?

JAGAROTH (OOV.): Scaroth.

SCARLIONI: Yes.

JAGAROTH (OOV.): Scaroth.

SCARLIONI: I'm feeling quite well. Please leave us.

COUNTESS: Us?

SCARLIONI: Me. Leave me.

JAGAROTH (OOV.): Scaroth! Scaroth.

COUNTESS: Are you sure there's nothing I can do?

SCARLIONI: Go. Go!

SCAROTH (OOV.): Scaroth.

SCARLIONI: Scaroth.

SCAROTH (OOV.): Scaroth. Scaroth.

DOCTOR: Are you all right?

TANCREDI: Continue. The interface of the time continuums is unstable, I know that. Tell me, tell me something useful.

SCAROTH (OOV.): Scaroth!

TANCREDI: Wait!

DOCTOR: Right-o.

TANCREDI: No, not you. Continue, Doctor.

SCAROTH: Scaroth!

TANCREDI: A moment!

DOCTOR: Is he often like this?

SOLDIER: I'm not paid to notice.

TANCREDI: Yes, I know.

SCAROTH (OOV.): Scaroth!

SOLDIER: Captain!

TANCREDI: I know. Leave us.

SOLDIER: Us?

TANCREDI: Me. Leave me!

SOLDIER: Sir.

SCAROTH (OOV.): Scaroth!

TANCREDI: I'm coming. Yes.

SCAROTH (OOV.): Scaroth! We are here. Together we are Scaroth. I am Scaroth.

SCAROTH (OOV.): Me, together in one. The Jagaroth live through me. Together we have pushed this puny race of humans, shaped their paltry destiny to meet our ends. Soon we shall be. The centuries that divide me shall be undone. The centuries that divide me shall be undone.

TANCREDI: The centuries that divide me shall be undone!

TANCREDI (on scanner): The centuries that divide me shall be undone.

TANCREDI: Undone!

SCARLIONI: So, the Doctor has the secret. The Doctor and the girl.

DOCTOR: The centuries that divide me shall be undone. I don't like the sound of that.

ROMANA: Your coffee'll get cold.

DUGGAN: What?

ROMANA: Here, have some coffee.

DUGGAN: That's it.

ROMANA: What?

DUGGAN: I'm washed up. I'm sent to Paris to find out if anything odd is happening in the art world and what happens? The Mona Lisa gets stolen under my nose. Odd, isn't in it.

ROMANA: I'm going to leave a note for the Doctor. I really think we should go and get it back, don't you?

DUGGAN: Yeah, but which one? I've seen seven. What am I going to see today, half a dozen Eiffel Towers lying about?

ROMANA: The real Mona Lisa. The original.

DUGGAN: Well, how do you account for the others?

ROMANA: Well, perhaps you're right. Perhaps Scarlioni has discovered a way to travel in time. Yes, perhaps he went back in time, had a chat to Leonardo, got him to rustle up another six, came forward in time, stole the one in the Louvre, and now sells all seven at enormous profit. Sound reasonable?

DUGGAN: I used to do divorce investigations. It was never like this.

ROMANA: There's only one flaw in that line of reasoning as far as I can see.

DUGGAN: There is?

ROMANA: That equipment of Kerensky's wouldn't work effectively as a time machine.

DUGGAN: It wouldn't.

ROMANA: You can have two adjacent time continuums running at different rates.

DUGGAN: You can.

ROMANA: But without a field interface s*ab, you can't cross from one to the other.

DUGGAN: You can't.

ROMANA: I'm just guessing. Come on, let's get back to the chateau where at least you can thump somebody.

DOCTOR: Well, what news?

GENDARME: Sir, it is very grave. The picture of the Mona Lisa has been stolen.

DOCTOR: What?

DOCTOR: Excuse me. Ah, it's you. Did you notice two people trying to stop that painting from being stolen last night?

GUIDE: Excuse me, monsieur?

DOCTOR: Two people. One was a pretty girl and a young man, fair hair. He was always hitting. Shush. Were they here?

GUIDE: No, monsieur, no. But I think you should speak to the police.

DOCTOR: Shush. No time. I've got the human race to think about. Shush. The human race.

TV: The stolen picture, probably the most famous in the world, was painted in 1503 by Leonardo da Vinci and is of the wife of Francesco.

CUSTOMER: I'll see you.

DOCTOR: Patron, you remember those two people I was in here with yesterday? We kept being held up and att*cked. Smashing things. You don't happen to know where they went, do you? No. They can't have been mad enough to go back to the chateau.

DOCTOR: Thank you. (reads) Dear Doctor, gone back to the chateau. Thank you.

HERMANN: As soon as the alarm sounded, Excellency. He was halfway through the window and she was outside. I thought you might wish to speak to them so I called off the dogs. They cannot be professionals.

SCARLIONI: My dear, it was not necessary for you to enter my house by, we could hardly call it stealth. You had only to knock on the door. I've been very anxious to renew our acquaintance. In fact, I was almost on the point of sending out a search party.

DUGGAN: Listen, Scarlioni.

SCARLIONI: I'm speaking to the young lady. You have some knowledge which could be very useful to me.

DUGGAN: You'd better not touch her, Scarlioni.

SCARLIONI: Oh, do be quiet.

ROMANA: I'll look after myself, thank you.

SCARLIONI: Please, do sit down. Oh.

SCARLIONI: Now I understand you have some highly specialised knowledge which could be of immense service to me.

ROMANA: Who, me?

SCARLIONI: I'm speaking of temporal engineering. I am told that you are a considerable authority on time travel.

ROMANA: Well, I don't know who could have given you that idea.

SCARLIONI: Your friend the Doctor let it slip.

ROMANA: The Doctor? But he's in er

SCARLIONI: Yes, Florence, sixteenth century. That's where I, we met him.

DUGGAN: Can anyone join in this conversation or do you need a certificate?

SCARLIONI: If he interrupts again, Hermann, k*ll him.

HERMANN: Sir.

SCARLIONI: Perhaps you'd care to come downstairs and examine the equipment in more detail?

ROMANA: And if I refuse?

SCARLIONI: Oh, must we go into vulgar thr*at? Let us just say that I shall destroy Paris, if that'll help you make up your minds.

ROMANA: And am I supposed to believe you can do that?

SCARLIONI: Well, you won't know until you've seen the equipment, will you. Bring him.

HERMANN: Yes, sir.

DUGGAN: Can he?

ROMANA: What?

DUGGAN: Destroy Paris?

ROMANA: What, with this lot?

DUGGAN: Yeah.

ROMANA: No trouble. Blast the whole city through an unstablised time field.

DUGGAN: You don't seriously believe all this time travel nonsense, do you?

ROMANA: Do you believe wood comes from trees?

DUGGAN: What do you mean?

ROMANA: It's just a fact of life one's brought up with.

SCARLIONI: You're beginning to appreciate the truth of my words then, are you?

ROMANA: That you can destroy Paris? Yes.

KERENSKY: Why all this talk of destruction? What are you doing with my work?

SCARLIONI: Professor, I shall show you. Would you care to examine the field generator?

SCARLIONI: You will now see, my dear, how I deal with fools.

KERENSKY: No, not that switch!
{"type": "series", "show": "Doctor Who", "episode": "17x07 - City of Death - part 3"}