Molly: Now, the first couple of sh*ts will show you if the sights are off or the barrel's bent.

Carny : Let me make this real easy for you. The sights are off and the barrel's bent.

Molly : Mm, you're off to the left about an inch. That's it. sh**t around the star. Not at it.

Henry: Yes!

Molly: Yeah! You did it!

Henry: I didn't.

Carny: You just won your girlfriend a teddy bear. [He points at a huge bear.]

Henry (beaming and turning to Molly): Cool! Hey, which one you think she'd like best?

Henry: And then Thursday night, this physicist is giving a lecture in Brooklyn. It's about time travel and the grandfather paradox. I don't know if you're busy…

Molly (stopping them both): Okay, Henry. Henry… um… can we talk for a second?

Henry: Yeah.

Molly: I'm really happy that we've been hanging out so much.

Henry: Yeah, I-I like you too. Heh.

Molly: Can you put down the bear? [He does so.] Henry…

Henry: What? [She looks at him silently, as if she wants to do or say something but can’t. Henry seems to get it.] I can't.

Molly: I know. You have a girlfriend. It's just… she never seems… to want to do anything with you. Are you crying?

Henry: No, I have allergies. I must just be, like, tearing up. [He wipes a tear away with a finger but something is actually wrong.]

Molly: Henry, I think that's blood.

Henry: What? I-it… 

Molly: Oh!

OPENING CREDITS

[House and his team are in the diagnostics room, sitting at the table. They are all staring at the corner of the room where the coffee machine is. We can’t see what’s going on but only hear that someone is probably using it.]

House: 35-year-old male cries blood, and he's not vampire Bill. Go!

Park: Should we ask?

Chase: Nope! 

House: What, her? [A red-haired voluptuous woman holds a cup and walks to House to give it to him.]

House: Yeah, my favorite companion is retiring from "companning." So I'm interviewing replacements. Thank you… Butterscotch. Is that a family name? [She stands beside him and waits. In the hallway, there is a lineup of similar women waiting.]

Adams: How long are you gonna be using the office for sex games? Just so I can plan my day.

House: Sex and work? I'm not a savage.  I asked for a cappuccino.

Butterscotch: That's what this is.

House: No, cappuccinos got a nice, stiff foam on it. This is wetter than… oh… almost slipped there. Well, thank you, Ms. Scotch, but poor foaming's a deal breaker. Could you ask the next candidate to come in?

Taub: Initial exam showed no sign of trauma or subconjunctival hemorrhage.

Park: Lymphocytosis? ALC's in normal range, but it's in the high end of normal.

House: Take a seat, Fawn. And tell me, what's your favorite Woody Allen movie? [The team stares at House and the woman.]

Fawn: Annie Hall.

Chase: You're interviewing hookers but not gonna talk to them about sex?

House: Sex is a given. They're hookers. [He takes notes.] Defend your choice.

Fawn: It's the most popular.

House (disappointed): Ohh… that's so close. We would have accepted, "Diane Keaton looks great in suits," or, "it's a trenchant commentary on today's mores," or, "I needed the eggs." Thanks for your interest. [She gets up and leaves.] To get the gig, call girl — sorry, call woman — needs a combination of skills that I find useful/entertaining for the remaining 57 minutes of the hour I paid for. [Another woman enters and sits down.]

Taub: Lymphocytosis works. Maybe we should take another look at the blood.

Adams: Could also be cavernous sinus thrombosis. Clot builds up pressure at the base of the brain.

House: Rerun the patient's blood panel and get a CT venogram of his head. Let's see which one of you is right. [The team leaves and House turns to the next applicant.] How are you with small appliance repair?

[Cut to the patient’s room. Chase is there with Henry and Molly; Adams is wheeling another bed in.]

Molly: Uh, this cavernous sinus thing, is it dangerous?

Chase: If Henry's got it, we can treat it with a combo of drugs and surgery. Success rate is over 70%.

Molly (to Henry): Do you want me to call Amy again?

Henry (somehow embarrassed): No, it's fine.

Molly: Amy's his girlfriend. I'm the neighbor. I did leave a message at their number.

Adams: Do you wanna try her cell? Be here for a few more hours at least.

[Henry sits on the new bed and they get him ready to leave the room.]

Henry: Oh, she doesn't have one. She worries about radiation.

Molly: I could stop by on my way home. She knows who I am, right?

Henry: You don't need to, but thanks.

Molly: Good luck. [Adams and Chase push him out of the room.]

Henry: Okay.

[Cut to the pathology lab where Taub and Park are checking Henry’s blood.]

Park: Have you ever paid for sex?

Taub: Every guy who's ever seen a Merchant Ivory movie has paid for sex. [Turning to her] No. It just… seems too demeaning to women.

Park: Given the things you've done to women, that seems arbitrary.

[A young man entering stops them both; he is wearing a lab coat.]

Young man: You're Chi Park, right?

Park: Who's asking?

Young man: Uh, you called about my guitar flyer.

Park: You're Micah. This guy's selling a 1974 Gibson SG standard in tobacco for $1,250.

Micah: Yeah, actually, I came in to tell you I already sold it. Sorry.

Park: Oh, um… thanks anyway. [He nods and leaves the lab.]

Taub (Looking through the microscope): Blood panel results seem pretty much the same as before, and that guy likes you.

Park: Maybe we should check for diabetes. Could weaken conjunctival vessels. And shut up.

Taub: If I'm wrong then why is he coming back?

Micah: My band is rehearsing tomorrow night. You should come by and jam with us.

Park (embarrassed): That… sounds fun. I'll think about it.

Micah: Great. Call me.

Taub (singing with a child’s voice: Park has a boyfriend.

Park: I'll break your face.

[Cut to House’s office. Adams comes in; the last hooker we saw during the first round of interviews is now juggling with three big yellow balls. Another woman is sitting in House’s chair and House is in front of her on the other side of the desk, watching her doing card tricks.]

House: This is the talent portion of the interview.

Adams: Okay. You like cards. But you can juggle. I fail to see how this would be of benefit to you.

House: What if I'm busy? [He turns to the hooker behind him.] Have you got anything else?

Cindy (the one juggling): Sure. [She bends down and starts walking on her hands and doing some sort of splits at the same time.]

Adams: CT showed no clots or malformations. Park and Taub ruled out lymphocytosis and diabetes.

House: Well, since you have nothing of relevance to report, I assume that you're here to toss your panties in the ring.

Adams: Patient's got a mysterious girlfriend he really wants to see. She's unreachable by phone, and the neighbor's never even seen her.

House (to the hooker playing with the cards): What do you think?

Debbie: He's gay.

Adams: I think he's a junkie. The girlfriend is a fix. The guy's inhaling glue.

House: Can you repair a blender?

Adams: Can you bite me? Go search the patient's home. Well, thank you, ladies. I've seen a lot of very talented candidates. Got a tough decision the next few days. [He grabs a file with the “resumes” and puts it in his bag pack.] This is the part I hate. [He leaves his office.]

Chase: Well… this is not exactly a crack den.

Adams: Doesn't exactly look like a woman lives here, either.

[Chase spots a bunch of roses with a card.]

Chase: "To Amy. I love you."

Adams: Okay. She exists. Doesn't mean he's not a drug addict.

[Thy start looking around, Chase in the kitchen area and Adams by the living-room.]

Chase: It's good you're playing it cool with House. Once he gets a rise out of someone…

Adams: Yeah, I'm not crazy about the whole hooker thing, but I get it. Other than the fact that it's exploitative and dangerous for women, you get what you need without any of the emotional baggage.

Chase: You're not seeing anyone I take it.

Adams: I've been volunteering at the Trenton Free Clinic. Keeps me busy.

[While Adams is looking in drawers, Chase looks in the fridge, then inspects a tea pot (it is shaped kind of like Aladdin’s magic lamp!).]

Chase: You volunteer every night and every weekend? No time to grab dinner?

Adams: What's more important — making small talk over ravioli or helping people who are less fortunate?

Chase: With that rationale, none of us should ever eat again.

Adams: Let's just say I'm not hungry right now.

[Adams opens the door to the bedroom and spots something…]

Adams: Oh, God…

[They both get closer; a woman is laid down, she is not moving.]

Adams: I don't think she's breathing. Do you think she OD'd?

Chase: That or he k*lled her. Pulse?

[Adams leans over the body and puts her hand on the woman’s neck to check.]

Adams: No.

Chase: I'll call the coroner.

Adams: I don't think that's gonna be necessary.

[Cut to House’s apartment where a soft piano music is playing in the background. House and Dominika are sitting on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table; they are going through files of “resumes” of hookers and pictures of them in their underwear. Dominika hands one of them to House to check it out. House is wearing his reading glasses.]

Dominika: This one works in financial district. She can get tips, give you leg up in market. What is "fudgey Gonzalez"?

House: Uh, imagine a "vanilla Gonzalez," but from the other side.

[She smiles, as she understands. House’s cellphone rings, he picks it up from the coffee table and answers it.]

House: I'm about to make a decision, but there's still time for you to sneak under the wire.

Adams: My favorite Woody Allen movie is Melinda and Melinda. [House makes a face.] Our patient is not a junkie, but he does have a girlfriend. [Back with Chase and Adams, on the phone, in Henry’s bedroom. The “girlfriend” is now sitting on the bed: it is a plastic doll!]

[Cut to Henry’s room, Chase and Adams are getting explanations from Henry. The plastic girlfriend is sitting in the chair next to Henry’s bed.]

Henry: I call her my "girlfriend" because people understand that. If I explained it, they'd just think I was a weirdo.

Chase: We're not here to judge anyone's fetish.

Henry: I'm not a pervert. It's not like I'm more attracted to dolls than humans.

Chase: So you don't have sex with her?

Henry: It's not just about that.

Adams: Does the doll talk to you?

Henry: I know she's not a real person. In a lot of ways, she's better than a person. I can tell her things, and she won't argue with me or make fun of me. I come home every night, and I know she'll be there waiting.

Adams: So is your toaster.

Henry: No one in the world has an emotional attachment to a toaster. But a lot of people are willing to spend $7,000 on women like Amy.

Chase: Have you ever tried an actual—

Henry: Yeah, I'm 35. I've been in relationships. Just none of them fulfilled me. And one day, I saw this website, and… maybe the perfect woman's out there somewhere, but it's not worth going through what it would take to find her. Amy makes me happy.

[As he talks, Henry is getting more and more red. Chase approaches him.]

Chase: You're swelling.

Henry: It's sort of hot in here.

Chase (touching Henry’s forehead): Not that hot.

[Cut to the diagnostics room, the team is sitting at the table; House is standing by the window, looking at the hallway.]

Adams: Bleeding plus two new symptoms. Fever and neurological.

Chase: I'm not sure about that last one. I think he's just… weird. He wasn't hallucinating. He didn't have a thought disorder.

Park: And you don't think it's "disordered" to talk to—

Chase: It's not all that different from talking to your cat or a Teddy bear.

Adams: You don't have sex with your cat or Teddy bear.

House: If you did, you'd probably talk to them more. Guy loves an imaginary being who's never going to respond to him. He's no crazier than millions of churchgoers.

Adams: You think anything off about any patient is a symptom. This guy buys flowers. Real flowers for a piece of plastic in a dress.

House (walking around the office and stopping at the end of the table): You know what's really crazy? Living with a human being. Someone with opinions and feelings. Gets mad just 'cause you want to take Salsa classes with them one night a week. [pissed] One night.

Taub: He's just running away. He hangs out with a doll, he never needs to fear rejection.

Park: It's sad.

House: You do understand the irony here? Every person in this room has a sex doll. At least the patient has the stones to be honest about it.

Taub: Ooh, a metaphor. What you didn't foresee is that is that I actually do have a sex doll.

House: Your doll is your kids. Yours is your parents, yours is your charity. All excuses for not being in a relationship.

Chase: He's not wrong.

House (pointing at Chase): And you—

Chase: I have meaningless sex with random strangers. Thanks for the insight, but I stopped that months ago. I actually had a relationship.

House (sitting down): With a patient. You just date whoever happens to cross your path.

Chase: My dating is getting in the way of my dating?

House: You don't go looking for the right person. You just shack up with whoever's in the room, and then you get surprised and/or divorced when it doesn't work out. I'm surprised you haven't asked Adams out yet.

Park (clearing her throat): Uh, for your information, I've got a date tonight. I'll be jamming with a cute guy and his band.

House: You'll bail.

Taub: He's right. The obvious solution is for me to hand my kids over to your parents.

House: Can we stop trying to argue the premise and move onto figuring out why it is that you're all social morons?

Taub: You do understand the irony here. You mocking us for avoiding relationships, but you can't handle losing your "doll." You’re spending all this time and energy interviewing for a new one.

House: You're right. That is stupid. [He gets up to leave.]

Adams: What about the patient?

House: Dude's banging a sex doll. A festering cesspool of bodily fluids and associated bacteria. Swab her out and find out which one. [He leaves the office.]

[Cut to the cafeteria. House is sitting in a booth with Emily, the hooker who wants to “leave” him.]

House: I need you. Please don't quit. You're the only hooker I know who can tune a piano. If it's about the money, then I can up you to three nights a week.

Emily: I'm getting married, House. His name's Harris. [House seems a bit shocked. She holds up her cell phone to show him a picture of her with a Black man, both holding glasses of champagne.] He's a certified accountant, he loves schlocky horror movies, and he just moved in. We're very happy.

House (looking at the picture closer): Well, you're happy, yeah! You're happy because he doesn't know about your employment history.

Emily: He knows. We've talked about it, and he accepts me for who I am.

House: No. He… If he accepted who you were, he would not be making you give up your career. Women need their own identities, their own livelihoods. Otherwise, why was I smoking all those Virginia Slims?

Emily: I know this is weird for you, but you need to figure out a way to be okay with it. I'll miss you, too.

[House seems really upset. Emily gets up, gives him a kiss on the corner of the mouth and leaves.]

[Cut to the procedure room, Chase and Adams prepped Amy for her swab (as if she was a real woman!).]

Chase: I feel like the stirrups are overkill.

Adams: I've never done a pelvic on a doll before. I'm unfamiliar with the protocol. [She sits down in front of the doll’s legs and looks a bit stunned.] I'm pretty skeeved out right now. I'm not gonna lie.

Chase: What House said back there—

Adams (doing the swab): House says a lot of things.

Chase: I don't just date whoever shows up. I mean, I did meet women in the hospital, but they weren't just flings.

Adams: Basically, you're explaining why you're not going to ask me out.

Chase: That's not what I was — did you want me to ask you out?

Adams: Yeah. I told Park to tell Taub to tell House to pass you that note. [Looking at the sampling] It's completely clean in there.

Chase: He said he just bathed her. [He checks out the doll’s side] Adams… there's a swelling beneath the skin… 3-inch mass.

Adams : Is it… part of the doll's skeleton?

Chase: It feels like a tumor.

Adams: CT showed an air-filled mass in the doll's abdomen. It's probably just a chemical reaction. Henry left her too close to a heating pipe or something.

Chase: This guy brushes her hair every morning, brings home movies for them to watch together. You think he tosses her in a broom closet at the end of each day?

Adams: More likely than it getting stomach cancer.

Chase: How about clostridium? Bacteria got trapped in the airtight cavity, produced gas…

Adams: It doesn't explain the neurological issue.

Chase: We can explain that the same way we explain the tooth fairy.

House: Oh, I get to play Solomon. Cut the doll open.

Chase: We can't just destroy the patient's property. That thing cost 7 grand.

[They stop in front of House’s office.]

House: Exactly. Ask him for consent. If he says yes, then we get to go hunting bacteria. If he says no, there's no need because he's crazy, and we need a different theory. See ya. Gotta go build a temple.

[House heads towards Wilson’s office. Chase and Adams go the other way. Cut to Henry’s room where Adams is explaining to Henry what they want to do.]

Henry: Okay.

Adams: You sure? It won't be able to heal when we're done.

Henry: But you think she could tell you what's wrong with me.

Adams: Yes.

Henry (on the verge of crying): Okay.

[Chase is also here; he pushes the chair where the doll is sitting, to take it out of the room. Adams stops him and leans over the doll to do the procedure.]

Chase: Should we take her to the procedure room?

Adams: It's not a “her,” which means we can do this anywhere. [She opens up the doll’s shirt and takes her scalpel.]

Chase: Adams… you can know something's not real and still love it. [He points at Henry, he is crying.]

Adams: I think the procedure room might be better for this.

[Cut to Wilson’s office, he is sitting behind his desk while House is on the couch.]

Wilson: You are a horrible person.

House: All I need is to break up one marriage. You've broken up three of your own. You're like the Stephen Hawking of k*lling relationships. Actually, no, Stephen Hawking is the Stephen Hawking of...

Wilson: Okay. I have work to do. [He turns to his laptop and starts typing on the keyboard.]

House: Your computer is off.

Wilson: Sorry, I can't hear you over my "stereo."

House: Why do you assume that marriage is better than hooking? We don't know anything about the guy. He could be a serial k*ller.

Wilson: Even if that were true, it would still be a toss-up.

House (getting up): What kind of guy marries a hooker? Somebody who hires hookers. And someone who hires hookers is not exactly the monogamous type. If we expose him as a cheater…

Wilson: You're a coward.

House (holding up his cane like a sword and speaking loudly): Would a coward fight to the end to save a damsel in soon-to-be-proved distress?

Wilson: Absolutely, if what he's afraid of is other damsels. Your last relationship failed so miserably, you ended up in jail. Now you're clinging to this hooker when there are about 3 billion other women out there who aren't call girls, some of whom are attractive and intelligent, one of whom is living in your apartment and is married to you!

House (having some sort of epiphany): You're right. Why am I asking you for help? [He leaves Wilson’s office.]

[Cut to the procedure room, Adams is cutting open the doll’s side with a scalpel. Park is standing next to her.]

Park: You shouldn't sleep with Chase.

Adams: Thank God. You got here just in time. What do you have against him?

Park: Nothing, but House has a way of getting into people's heads.

Adams: Just like last week when he was prying into your relationship with Chase? It was silly then, and it's silly now.

Park: Why was it silly then? I'm not 5'9" with curves and flowing hair, so it's impossible for me to get it on with a good-looking guy?

Adams: Wow. Do you resent me? You're the quirky, hardworking h*m* and I'm the evil cheerleader who steals boys? If you're not getting any, it's not my fault.

[Cut to a grocery store where Taub is shopping with one of his daughters. They stop in front of the cereals.]

Taub: Should we get the one with the panda on it or the bird? [He points at one of them randomly.] Good choice. Pandas eat only bamboo, they know nothing about cereal.

[He throws the box in the cart. A young woman is observing them. She approaches Taub.]

Woman: Your little girl is adorable.

Taub: Thanks. She keeps me very busy.

Woman: You and her mom must be very proud.

Taub: Her mother… died in childbirth.

Henry (overjoyed): Amy. How'd it go?

Adams: We're growing cultures now, but she looked clean, and there was no telltale smell. I'm guessing the lump was just an air bubble that got trapped in the mold.

[Henry pulls Amy’s gown apart and sees the bandage.]

Henry: You bandaged her up.

Adams: I threw in some stitches, too. Just wanted to make her look her best. Do you want me to put her in her chair? [Suddenly, Henry falls down, in pain, he seems to be unable to breathe.] Henry? [to the nurses] Call a code!

[Cut to the inside of a food truck “Knish Upon a Star”, parked in front of a building. House is wearing an apron and he is taking out of the oven a tray of baked knishes. Dominika is looking outside with a pair of high-powered binoculars.]

House: You looking at the apartment with those or the transit of Mercury?

Dominika: If night comes, you'll be thanking me. [pointing outside] They're seeking heat.

House: He's an accountant. How late do you think he's going to party?

Dominika: I bought jar to pee in.

[House’s cell phone rings, he takes it out of his pocket and answers it.]

House: Yeah.

[On the other side of the line, the team is in the diagnostics room, sitting at the table, around the speakerphone.]

Adams: We heard crackles in Henry's lungs. We diuresed him, but he still needs oxygen.

Chase: Echo shows normal heart function. Could be high output failure from anemia.

Taub: Hematocrit was rock normal.

House (over the phone): What is this? Mushroom?

Dominika: Say "mushroom," charge $2. Say "truffle," charge $5. Is that the man who wants to marry hooker? [A Black man walks down the stairs in front of the building.]

House: Probably. But he's not the one we're after. [He is still holding the phone to his ear but not really paying attention to it.]

Park: Should we ask?

Chase: Nope.

House: Oh! How rude of me not to situate you. I'm doing Emily a favor. We're going to track her fiancé until Dominika can seduce and expose him as the lying cheater I need him to be.

Taub: I'm guessing she didn't ask for this favor.

House: Oh, you know, the noblest gifts are the ones we give anonymously.

Adams: Crackles are nonspecific. Hypoxia plus bleeding could indicate D.I.C. or some other—

House: No neurological symptoms? I knew your bleeding heart would bring you around. Too bad it's also taking you off the market. And by market, I mean Chase. Come on, buck up, Chase. There's always Park. Unless… How did band practice go?

Park: Great.

House: Does she look like she's lying?

Adams: Kind of.

Park: Popo needed a ride to the doctor, and my mom couldn't, so—

House: You're terrified of dating because… a previous relationship ended because your latent rage made you vicious in arguments. Or—

Taub: Or reincarnation. In a past life, she was Anne Boleyn.

House: Interesting. Taub feels confident enough to turn the spotlight on himself. It's almost as if he wants me to ask… what's her name?

Taub: Wendy Jacobson. 33, Brown grad, family therapist.

House: Nice choice. Since you got two families to "therapize."

Taub: First date we didn't discuss everything important—

House: So it was just a one-night stand.

Taub: You're wrong. I actually like her. I'm going to see her again.

House: Mazel tov. Great relationships often start with snap decisions aimed at proving me wrong.

Adams: Air bubble in the doll could mean the silicone is degrading. If he hailed some particles…

House: Silicone deposition. That could work. Start him on plasmapheresis. Now, turning to Adams, my theory is tripartite—

[Adams hangs up the phone on House. He puts his phone away and continues looking at the window with Dominika.]

House: Want to hear my thesis? It's kind of interesting.

Dominika: No man comes out. But old naked lady in 3-C is eating whole block of cheese.

Henry: Will this hurt?

Adams: No, you might feel a little cold, though.

Henry (noticing something): Crap. [The door opens and Molly comes in.]

Molly (happily): Hey. I only have a second, but I went to the time travel lecture.

Henry: Ah.

Molly (noticing the doll in the chair): Whoa. That is… awesome. [She approaches and touches it.] What is it? It's so… oh, realistic. Oh, and it's all bandaged up. It is one of those CPR things?

Henry: No.

Adams (embarrassed): We're starting a procedure. A little privacy—

Henry: No, no, it's-it's good that she's here. Molly, I'd like you to meet Amy.

Molly (laughing): What?

Henry: I'm serious. I know it seems a little strange, but she means a lot to me.

Molly : I, um, got to get back to work.

Henry: But you just got here. Sit down.

Molly: Yeah, but I-I said that I only had a second. Enjoy the handouts. [She leaves the room.]

[Cut to the babies’ room at Taub’s. He is putting his daughter to bed and Wendy is watching him. He closes the door on his way out.]

Taub: Listen, um, I have to admit something.

Wendy: Okay.

Taub: Her mom isn't d*ad. We're separated.

Wendy: Uh-huh.

Taub (embarrassed): You're the first person I've asked out since then. I'm not used to explaining… I panicked. Which I regret, because now that I've gotten to know you, I like you. It was a really stupid lie. I'm sorry.

Wendy: Was that a different baby?

Taub (awkwardly): No…

Wendy: That was a different baby.

[Cut to Henry’s room. He is alone with Amy the doll sitting in the chair next to his bed. He is reading the notes Molly gave him.]

Henry (to the doll): It's nice having you here. I wish you could come over and get in bed with me.

[Suddenly Henry hallucinates the doll turning into a real woman. She gets up from the chair and approaches Henry’s bed.]

Amy: Like this?

Henry: You're talking?

Amy: It's not all I can do. [She unbuttons her shirt and takes it off, her skirt too. Wearing only her underwear, “real” Amy climbs on top of Henry.]

Henry: Amy, there are doctors…

Amy: Shh…

Henry: I don't know.

Amy: Just put your hands on me.

[He does as she asked, she kisses him, but his mind is jumbled: he sees Amy, then she’s covered in blood, then he’s covered in blood and screaming in pain. In reality, Henry is unconscious, screaming in pain; Adams is trying to hold him down to the bed while Chase is giving him a sedative.]

Chase: Pushing lorazepam. If it wasn't neurological before, it sure is now.

Adams: Right upper quadrant's distended. He's hallucinating because his liver's failing.

[Cut to the diagnostics room, the team is sitting while Chase is making coffee for himself. House is cleaning his sunglasses.]

Taub: Elevated transaminases confirm liver failure. We'll have to put him on the transplant list in a couple days.

Adams: It's clearly not the silicone. Could be vasculitis.

Chase: Serologies were negative.

House: Yeah, if you want Adams to hear, you might want to not stand so conspicuously far away.

Chase: I'm making coffee. And sometimes, I date co-workers. Like everyone else on the planet.

Park: Hepatic fibrosis. If it damaged his platelets, it'd explain the bleeding.

House: Unexpected. I actually thought you might agree with my theory. Because that would mean nothing's your fault. You fell into relationships based on proximity. Of course they failed. [Chase sits down at the table.] But I guess I was wrong. You picked perfect women. You just screwed it up.

Adams: How about all five of us live together and the $7,000 sex doll? It'll solve all our hang-ups.

Taub: $7,000?

House: Adams suggests that we all sleep together, and your issue is high prices?

Taub: Pretty sure she was joking.

House: Yes, I'm 99% sure that you're right, but I would never forgive myself—

Taub: Those dolls are only $5,000. He must have had it customized somehow. [They all look at him in disbelief.] Oh, like, you didn't check the website?

House: I guess we don't need to ask how your dating life is going.

Taub: I was curious.

Adams: Hepatic fibrosis wouldn't cause difficulty breathing.

Chase: It would if liver failure opened pulmonary av shunts.

House: Fibrosis fits. Start the patient on steroids and find out how he pimped his ride.

Taub: Why?

House: Because I don't know the answer. [He gets up and heads for the elevator. Wilson happens to be walking by and stops to talk to House.]

Wilson: Hey. Foosball?

House: Can't. Marriage to destroy.

Wilson: Okay… [He heads for his office.]

House: "Okay" as in passive-aggressive reverse psychology? Or as in depressed resignation

Wilson: "Okay" as in I changed my mind.

House: Expand.

Wilson: Oh, it's morally reprehensible and bound to fail, but in a weird way, it's a step forward. This thing with Emily.

House: Contract.

Wilson: It's real without being real. It's a long-term relationship that can't actually hurt you. It's, um… a stepping stone. It means you want more.

House: So, passive-aggressive reverse psychology. Got it. [He enters the elevator and the doors close.]

[Cut to House and Dominika, they are outside in front of the lunch area of a building. A Black man in the background is talking on the phone. House is sitting on a bench with Dominika; he has his sunglasses on. He is prepping up, setting up a small microphone in her vest.]

House: Try not to come on too strong, okay? Just get to know him a little. Ease into it.

Domonika: Why would I ease?

House: True. You could just walk up and stick your hand down his pants, but I heard there's a middle step.

Dominika: Men want to have sex.

House (putting an earplug in his ear to be able to listen to Dominika’s conversations): Not with crazy people. Well, yes, a lot with crazy people, but not that kind of crazy. Well, yeah, that kind of crazy—

Dominika (talking right in the microphone): They don't care how crazy if she look like me. Okay. Easing.

Dominika: Hi.

[She gets up and walks to the Black man. House is not looking at them but he can hear the whole exchange.]

Harris: Hey.

Dominika: I'm Jennifer, new to marketing department. [They shake hands.]

Harris: Harris. Accounts receivable.

Dominika: Oh, interesting. Do you want to get out of here and have sex?

Harris: Uh, sure. [Dominika gives a look to House, he gets up and walks to them] You know, I got 45 minutes left on my lunch break.

Dominika: Mm-hmm.

Harris: Where you wanna go?

House (stopping them): Off to a place where men don't cheat on the women they love. [He takes off his glasses and the earplug.] You're not invited, obviously.

Harris: Cheating? What are you talking about?

House: Why, I hope you're speaking out of some deep kind of moral relativism because—

Harris: Who are you people?

House: You're not Emily's fiancée.

Harris: Emily's my sister.

[Cut to the procedure room, Adams is fixing the IV in Henry’s arm.]

Adams: We called the company that made Amy. They said they modeled her after some photos you sent them. [She shows him one of the pictures on a cell phone.] Who is she?

Henry: We met last Christmas. She's a yoga instructor. Totally different from me. She-she loved Chopin, hated Indian food. She changed entire my life for 17 weeks.

Adams: My husband cheated on me… with a girl he met on the plane coming back from our honeymoon. It's not easy to get past things like that.

Henry: She wasn't unfaithful. She didn't betray me. She just… she just wasn't in love with me. [He is about to cry.]

Adams: I know Amy's not going to break your heart. But she's also not going to change your life.

Henry (looking up): The lights are bright.

[Suddenly Henry starts vomiting.]

Henry: Sorry. What's happening to me?

Adams: Is your neck stiff?

Henry: Yeah.

Adams: I think you have meningitis.

[Cut to House’s apartment, House is pacing the floor in front of Emily who is sitting on his couch.]

Emily: I'm not leaving the business. I'm just leaving you. I didn't want you to feel bad.

House: So let me get this straight. I'm being dumped by a hooker… who's worried about my feelings?

Emily: You're married.

House: Half your clients are married. And you're a hooker.

Emily: My other guys sneak around, but you'll take me into the bedroom while your wife's in the next room. That's just… mean.

House: Oh, my God. The marriage, it's a sham. The only really thing about it is the green card she's going to get at the end of it. So, if you want to get the meter running…

Emily: It's still mean.

House: It's not a marriage. It's a felony.

Emily: I've seen how she looks at you when you're together. Trust me. She likes you. And I've seen how you look at her. 

[Cut to Henry’s room, he is in pain; then to the diagnostics room where the team and House are once again sitting at the table. House seems lost deep in his thoughts, playing with a rubber band.]

Adams: Fever's up 105. He's not responding to meds. At this rate, he'll be d*ad by the time we get the cultures back.

Taub: Spinal fluid was full of white cells. Meningitis could be carcinomatous.

Park: Cytology showed nothing.

Chase: An amoebic infection would cause fever and meningitis.

Adams: But not liver failure.

Park: It could if he had a clot.

Taub: How could amoebas get past his cribriform plate? He went swimming in a frozen lake in New Jersey?

[House gets up silently; he is still deeply lost in his thoughts.]

Chase: Adams said his ex-girlfriend was a yoga instructor.

Adams: Maybe he sprained his chakras.

Chase: Yoga nuts are way more likely to be into alternative medicine. He has this little weird teapot in his house.

House (turning around suddenly): What was it like?

Chase: Um, little. Weird. Teapot-ish.

[House goes to the whiteboard and draws a teapot shaped like the one we saw Chase hold when they visited the apartment (Aladdin’s magic lamp!).]

House: Like that?

Chase: Yeah.

Park: You think he drinks some sort of toxic herbal tea?

House: Yes… if by "tea," you mean salted tap water. And by "drink," you mean poured up his nose. His girlfriend didn't just leave him with a broken heart. She left him with a neti pot. It's an Indian method of… clearing the sinuses during allergy season. Also known as now. [As House speaks, we see glimpses of the past: Henry is filling the pot with tap water and leaning over the sink, he puts water in his nose.] The distilled water can act as a snot flushing system. With tap water, it can act as an amoeba delivery system to the fluids around the brain. Start him on metronidazole. If he's lucky, he'll get to see his plastic children walk down the aisle.

[Cut to Henry’s room, he is sitting in bed, Adams is writing in his file.]

Henry: My neck feels much better.

Adams: Your fever's gone, and your liver function's almost back to normal. You should be able to go home soon.

Henry: I'm going to have some hospital bills to pay. I don't suppose used sex dolls go for anything online. [Adams laughs and heads for the door. Henry stops her.] Dr. Adams? Can I get your email?

Adams: What for?

Henry: I just thought maybe we could see each other again.

Adams (embarrassed): I-I can't.

Henry: No, I know. It's a professionalism thing, but you won't be my doctor when I get out of here.

Adams: It's not that. It's—

Henry: What is it? You said I should change my life. You were talking about yourself, too. I know you were.

Adams: Henry, I-I think you should ask Molly out.

Henry: I should have known this would happen.

Adams: You're a good guy, Henry. You deserve more than a doll. Promise me you'll keep trying.

Henry: Okay.

[Cut to the locker room. Taub and Park are getting ready to leave the hospital.]

Park: Date tonight? So she can't deal. There's someone out there who can. You just got to find her.

Taub: I'd love to prove House wrong, but… I ruined my marriage, broke two people's hearts, had two kids who are always going to wonder why I didn't love their mommy enough. It's better if I just… focus on what I do have. [He closes his locker.] Give that band guy a call.

Park: I'm not that good at guitar. Or flirting or small talk. I'm not as pretty as Adams, I have stuffy clothes, and I hate my hair.

Taub: Adams works 80 hours a week fixing bunions on hobos because she can't face getting to know someone new. Trust me. You find a boyfriend, she'll be the jealous one. [He leaves.]

[Cut to the lobby of the hospital. Adams is at the nurse station looking at files. Chase walks by and heads out since his day over.]

Chase: See you tomorrow.

Adams: Do you…

[He stops and turns around. She catches up.]

Adams: Want to get a drink?

Chase (suspicious): To annoy Park or to prove House wrong?

Adams: Oh, I… It's just, um… I think it's time for a change.

Chase (surprised): I don't really think that's a good idea for me right now.

Adams (embarrassed): House has a way of getting in people's heads.

Chase: Yeah.

Adams: Yeah. [Chase leaves.]

[Cut to the diagnostics room, Park is talking on the phone.]

Park: No, mom. I'm still at work. I'll be home in a couple hours. Love you too.

[Micah is also there, sitting on the couch with a guitar. Park hangs up the phone and goes to sit beside him. She also has a guitar.]

Micah: Ready? [She nods.] One, two, three, four.

[They both start playing Sonny and Cher’s “I Got you Babe”. They are also singing.]

**

Dominika: I fix blender.

House: So I see.

[She fills up a glass and walks to House.]

Dominika: I had fun seducing hooker's fake fiancée. Sorry it didn't work.

House: Yeah, I thought I'd take a break from the whole hooker thing.

Dominika: I think maybe you need milk shake. Is pistachio.
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x17 - We Need The Eggs"}