("Ain't No Rest for the Wicked" by Cage the Elephant playing)

(A jet-black vintage sports car sails down Sunset, cruising through the adult Disneyland that is nighttime Los Angeles. Neon and billboards reflected on the windshield. The Devil himself. Say hello to LUCIFER MORNINGSTAR)

♪ I was walking down the street ♪

♪ When out the corner of my eye ♪

♪ I saw a pretty little thing approaching me ♪

♪ She said, "I never seen a man ♪

♪ "Who looked so all alone ♪

♪ Oh, could you use a little company?" ♪

♪ Not even 15 minutes later, I'm still walking down the street ♪

♪ When I saw the shadow of a man creep out of sight ♪

♪ And then he swept up from behind ♪

♪ He put a g*n up to my head ♪

♪ He made it clear he wasn't looking for a fight ♪

♪ He said, "Give me all you got ♪

♪ "I want your money, not your life ♪

♪ But if you try to make a move, (siren wailing) I won't think twice" ♪

♪ I told him, "You can have my cash ♪

♪ "But first you know I got to ask ♪

♪ What made you want to live this kind of life?" ♪

♪ He said there ain't no rest for the wicked ♪

♪ Money don't grow on trees ♪

♪ I got bills to pay, I got mouths to feed ♪

POLICE OFFICER: Turn the music down, sir.

♪ There ain't nothing in this world for free... ♪

POLICE OFFICER:  Hey, cut the music.

LUCIFER: (chuckling) I'm sorry.

(music volume decreases)

POLICE OFFICER: You know why I pulled you over?

LUCIFER: Well, obviously, you felt the need to exercise your limited powers and punish me for ignoring the speed limit.

It's okay. I understand.

I-I like to punish people, too.

Or at least I used to.

POLICE OFFICER: License and registration.

LUCIFER: (sighs) Coming right up.

♪ Man creep out of sight ♪

♪ And then he swept up... ♪

POLICE OFFICER: Are you trying to bribe me, sir?

LUCIFER: Yes, of course.

♪ He said, "Give me all you got..." ♪

LUCIFER: Is that not enough?

Take more. It's only money.

POLICE OFFICER: It's against the law, sir.

LUCIFER: (chuckles) You people are funny about your laws, aren't you?

You break the law sometimes, don't you?

♪ I said, "You're such a sweet young thing..." ♪

POLICE OFFICER: Sometimes... I put my siren on and drive really fast for no reason at all, just 'cause I can.

LUCIFER: Right?

And why wouldn't you? It's fun.

It feels good to get away with something, doesn't it?

POLICE OFFICER: Yeah.

LUCIFER: Uh, it's okay, Officer. People like to tell me things, those deep, dark, naughty little desires that are on their mind. It's a gift.

Must be something about this face. You're tempted to keep that, aren't you? Well, what are you waiting for, permission? Go on, take it, buy yourself something pretty. You deserve it. But if you don't mind, I really must be on my way.

POLICE OFFICER: Oh, yeah, of course. Hey, have a nice evening.

LUCIFER: You, too, Officer. You, too.

(music volume increases)

♪ "You can have my cash, but first you know I got to ask ♪

♪ What made you want to live this kind of life?" ♪

♪ He said there ain't no rest for the wicked ♪

♪ Money don't grow on trees ♪

♪ I got bills to pay, I got mouths to feed ♪

♪ There ain't nothing in this world for free ♪

♪ Oh, no, there ain't no rest for the wicked ♪

♪ Until we close our eyes for good. ♪

(Lucifer pulls up in front of his bar, Lux)

Hey, boss.

("Fame" by David Bowie playing)

♪ Fame makes a man take things over ♪

♪ Fame lets him loose, hard to swallow ♪

♪ Fame puts you there where things are hollow ♪

♪ Fame... ♪

(Lucifer glides through... soaking up the sights and sounds of elegant debauchery like a proud, modern-day Gatsby. His eyes land on the exotic, dark-haired beauty tending bar over yonder. MAZIKEEN. But she’s always been just MAZE to Lucifer. She leans seductively with her back against the bar, doesn’t turn around as Lucifer approaches...)

MAZE: Where have you been?

LUCIFER: Oh, holed up in a château, copulating with a young woman named Faith.

It's ironic, isn't it?

MAZE: Thank you, Patrick. You can go.

LUCIFER: (chuckles) You little devil.

MAZE:  What? I dropped something.

LUCIFER: Well, I'm sure you did.

MAZE:  Now, Lucifer, I am a big fan of sex.

LUCIFER: Obviously.

Maze: But I didn't leave Hell to be a bartender.

Shouldn't you be spending your valuable time doing something more significant?

(Lucifer scoffs)

MAZE: You're the lord of Hell, for crying out loud.

LUCIFER: I am retired, Maze. I've got nothing but time.

Thank you.

(music plays in slow motion)

(echoing): ♪ Fame, fame... ♪

Maze: I think you have a visitor.

(Lucifer sighs)

(Through the SLOW-MOTION crowd, Lucifer sees AMENADIEL. The man is a study in grim intensity. He’s Lucifer’s brother AND AN ANGEL. Yep, majestic wings and everything. But Amenadiel’s also a badass. Last thing he radiates is angelic goodness. )

LUCIFER: Amenadiel, how's it hanging, big guy?

Huh?

Your return to the Underworld has been requested.

LUCIFER: Oh, right, okay.

 Let me just, uh, check my calendar.

Yeah, here it is.

Uh, the seventh of never through to the 15th of ain't-gonna-happen.

How does that work for you guys?

(Amenadiel just stares at him... grim, not amused.)

(sighs)

LUCIFER: Look, remind Dad that I quit Hell because I was sick and tired of playing a part in his play.

AMENADIEL: I'm gonna warn you against disrespecting our father, Lucifer.

LUCIFER: Yeah, well, our father's been disrespecting me since the beginning of time, so pot-kettle, don't you think?

AMENADIEL: You are a mockery of everything divine.

LUCIFER: Thank you. Thank you, but lately I've been doing a fair amount of thinking.

Now, do you think I'm the Devil because I'm inherently evil, just because dear old Dad decided I was?

AMENADIEL: What exactly do you think happens when the Devil leaves Hell?

(Lucifer scoffs)

AMENADIEL: All of those demons, all of those tormented and tortured souls, where do you think they go?

LUCIFER: Don't know, don't care. Not my problem, brother.

So consider the position officially open.

And you, my feathered friend, can go to Hell.

(In a blink, Amenadiel's wing-tip is at Lucifer's throat. Ancient steel fused at its tips. But Lucifer doesn't flinch, chuckles)

Yeah, try it. You think Father's upset now.

(chuckles)

AMENADIEL: You know, he will not be merciful for much longer.

(thr*at planted, Amenadiel withdraws, and exits... and the club now slips back into regular motion. Lucifer only now deflates. Amenadiel clearly rattles him)

(Lucifer stands outside, spinning A COIN in his hand, still thinking about his conversation with Amenadiel... when A TAXI slows to a stop in front of Lux. The rear window rolls down. A beautiful, hot mess appears. This is DELILAH)

DELILAH: Hey, you. Remember me?

(Lucifer smiles... of course he does but teases...)

You're famous, aren't you?

GIRL: Delilah!

LUCIFER: Delilah, isn't it?

Girl: I love you, Delilah!

Can I have your autograph?

DELILAH: (chuckles) If I can have a drink.

(Lux. Lucifer and Delilah sit at a booth)

LUCIFER: So are you gonna tell me why you really came back?

DELILAH: There's something I need to know.

And what's that?

DELILAH: Did I... sell my soul to the Devil?

(Lucifer chuckles) 

Well, that would imply the Devil's actually interested in your soul.

LUCIFER: Look, all I did was introduce you to a few key people who owed me favors, that's all.

DELILAH: I mean, with all the good came a hell of a lot of bad.

LUCIFER: Oh, right, so the Devil made you do it, did he?

The alcohol and the drugs, the topless selfies.

The choices are on you, my dear.

I mean, Jimmy Barnes?

LUCIFER: I can't believe you almost married that sweaty little imp.

DELILAH: He produced my album. You introduced me to him.

LUCIFER: I suggested you work with him, not sleep with him.

DELILAH: Well, I got confused.

LUCIFER: And then you left him at the altar.

DELILAH: Yeah, that was rude of me.

LUCIFER: No, actually, I quite enjoyed that bit.

(both chuckle)

DELILAH: You know, he trapped me in the bathroom at the Grammys, said he wanted to get back together. Then I hear he's marrying a supermodel... this weekend. And I'm jealous. Oh, God, I'm a mess.

LUCIFER: God has nothing to do with your mess. Look... You didn't sell your soul, Delilah. You do owe me a favor.

DELILAH: I'm scared.

LUCIFER: You should be.

Because what I'm about to ask you is gonna be quite difficult for you.

Pull yourself together. That's it, that's all I'm asking. 'Cause you're wasting your talent, your life.

DELILAH: Hmm?

LUCIFER: You're human, darling. (chuckles)

(Lucifer and Delilah walk out... saying goodbye...)

DELILAH: I'm gonna do as you asked. I'm gonna get it together. Promise, Lucifer.

LUCIFER: Look, it's not about me.

What happens now, that's up to you.

Okay?

DELILAH: Yeah.

LUCIFER: Come here, you.

(tires squealing)

(gasps)

LUCIFER: Oh, no, no, no, not yet.

(gasps)

What did you do?

I'm sorry.

"Sorry."

Why did you end her life?

Why else?

Money.

"Money."

LUCIFER: Oh, it's times like this I wish I was still in Hell.

All the fun activities I'd have planned for you.

Hey, man, I just pulled the trigger.

(gasps, exhales weakly)

(siren wails in distance)

(helicopter whirring)

♪ ♪

А full-blown crime scene. Cherry tops spin. Police swarm. CORONER’s put Delilah’s body in a bag and into the back of their van as an UNMARKED COP CAR pulls up. Out hops LAPD homicide detective CHLOE DANCER (30s). Beautiful, but downplays it on purpose. She’s smart, cold and direct.

Another plain-clothed detective walks up from the other direction. He’s DANIEL ESPINOZA (40ish). 

Man: Want to hear what I've got so far?

CHLOE: Lieutenant said this is my case.

DAN: Yeah, Chloe, it is your case, but try not to take too much time.

It's an easy one.

That's our bad guy.

Eddie Deacon, he's a low-level drug dealer.

I found these in his pocket, and I found this in Delilah's purse, so obviously drug-related.

She probably owed him a bunch of cash or something.

She's not exactly selling out stadiums these days.

How do you know he's low-level?

DAN: Look at his car.

Did you look at his watch?

That thing ain't cheap.

DAN: It's probably fake.

Look... there's gonna be a lot of attention on this one, Chloe.

I wouldn't pick at it too hard.

Not after Palmetto Street.

I asked for this case because of Palmetto Street, Dan.

So, anyway, any witnesses?

LUCIFER: Lucifer Morningstar.

"Lucifer Morningstar"?

Is that, uh, a stage name or something?

LUCIFER: (chuckles) God-given, I'm afraid.

You know, you look familiar.

Have we met before?

CHLOE: Yeah, five minutes ago.

And I'm asking the questions.

CHLOE: Talk to me about your relationship with the victim.

LUCIFER: Well, she used to work here a few years back.

I would occasionally accompany her while she sang.

Then she became a big star and someone decided to end her life.

CHLOE: Do you know the sh**t?

LUCIFER: No, but we did have an interesting little chat just before he kicked off.

I asked him why he did it.

CHLOE: Huh, like to play cop, do you?

LUCIFER: (laughs) No, I just like to play in general, Detective.

What about you?

CHLOE: So, you had a conversation with a d*ad guy?

LUCIFER: Oh, no, he wasn't quite d*ad. His soul hadn't crossed the threshold.

CHLOE: I see. Did he tell you why he did it?

LUCIFER: Why, money, of course. You humans, you love your money, don't you?

CHLOE: Yes.

Yes, we do.

And, uh, what planet are you from... London?

(laughs)

LUCIFER: Yes, he also said, "I just pulled the trigger."

Now, don't you think that's interesting?

CHLOE: Delilah was sh*t to death by a drug dealer.

And looks like Delilah herself kept the guy pretty busy.

You know, it's sad, it's ugly, but it's not rocket science.

Something probably went south between them.

She gets riddled with b*ll*ts, and a nice little act of God takes him out.

LUCIFER: You know, it doesn't work like that, Detective. It's quite a neatly wrapped little present for the LAPD, don't you think?

CHLOE: Why don't you tell me something?

How does she end up dying in a hailstorm of b*ll*ts, and you get away without a scratch?

I think that's interesting. Don't you?

LUCIFER: The benefits of immortality.

CHLOE: "Immortality."

Mm, of course, uh, you spell that with one or two M's?

I always forget.

LUCIFER: What will your corrupt little organization do about this?

CHLOE: Excuse me?

LUCIFER: Will you find the person responsible?

Will they be punished?

Will this be a priority for you?

Because it is for me.

CHLOE: You got some balls on you, pal.

LUCIFER: Oh, thank you very much, but they're really quite average.

CHLOE: I bet.

LUCIFER: Now, are you sure that we haven't met?

I could swear I've seen you naked.

Have we had sex?

CHLOE: We're done here.

LUCIFER: Uh, Detective, wait!

Someone out there needs to be punished.

We're not done.

CHLOE: Yeah. Yeah, we are.

♪ ♪

♪ Once in the evening ♪

♪ There was harmony... ♪

If there is anyone here that would oppose this holy union, speak now or forever hold your peace.

LUCIFER: Excuse me. Yeah, I have a problem.

Has-has anyone else noticed how incredibly, jaw-droppingly, loin-stirringly beautiful this young woman is and how short, sweaty and altogether fugly this homunculus is?

I mean, what is this... a wedding or a kidnapping? Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, good luck with that, Padre. Ooh, why you're at it, say hey for me.

It's been a while. (chuckles)

LUCIFER: Jimmy Barnes!

Remember me?

Hey, man, this is a private event.

How did you get in here?

LUCIFER: Yeah, and quite a lavish one for a record producer on the outs. You do remember me, don't you?

Yeah, yeah, I remember you. Now, what do you want? I'm a little busy.

LUCIFER: Well, I can't believe that you're getting married the day after your ex-fiancée and once brightest star was m*rder in cold blood.

Jimmy: Yeah, that's very sad.

But you know what, she ruined my wedding once.

I'm not about to let that happen again.

LUCIFER: It's hard to be rejected, isn't it, Jimmy?

Twice. (chuckles)

JIMMY: What?

LUCIFER: Well, you tried to get her back recently.

I mean, I'd k*ll someone if they denied me once. Not that that's possible.

So, come on, what do you say, Jimbo, huh? Did you want her d*ad?

Look, stop looking at me that way, you freak.

I am not playing that mind game with you.

No, of course not!

I was furious and I was humiliated when she dumped me, but I think, I-I think I've rebounded pretty well.

LUCIFER: Yes, clearly. Respect.

Jimmy: Should go play your mind games with 2Vile.

The rapper?

Come on.

Delilah dumped me for that lunatic.

They were always fighting.

He slapped her around a bunch.

He surrounds himself with g*n-toting morons 24-7.

He is the real deal.

Right.

LUCIFER: Sorry, how rude. Allow me to introduce myself. Lucifer Morningstar.

I really don't want to have sex with him tonight.

(congregation gasping)

Oh, my...

I'm sorry, I...I can't believe I just said that.

LUCIFER: Oh, no, no, no. Let's be honest here.I mean, you're not marrying this human stain 'cause you're actually in love with him, right?

God no.

No.

Right.

LUCIFER: (claps) Well, I should get going.

Ooh!

Best of luck with you crazy kids, all right?

("Devil's Haircut" by Beck playing)

♪ Something's wrong 'cause my mind is fading ♪

♪ And everywhere I look, there's a d*ad end waiting ♪

♪ Temperature's dropping at the rotten oasis ♪

(doorbell rings)

♪ Stealing kisses from the leperous faces... ♪

BUTLER: Good afternoon, sir.

LUCIFER:  Yes, I'm here to see the man sadly known as 2Vile... is he in?

I'm sorry, sir. He's unavailable.

He's in mourning, I'm afraid.

LUCIFER:  Right. I have narcotics for him.

BUTLER: Right this way, sir.

(Lucifer follows the Butler into the den. Furniture from MOMA. k*ller city views. The ultimate in tacky Hollywood living)

♪ Hold up, it's the game, it chose us ♪

♪ Pioneers started on my corner like the Cold Crush ♪

♪ Had smokers lining up the block like a gold rush... ♪

Here you go, baby.

LUCIFER:  Can someone please turn down this god-awful music!

Hello, disc jockey!

Thank you.

(Tattooed hip-hop thug 2VILE appears through a thick haze of POT SMOKE)

2VILE: Who's this clown?

BUTLER: He has narcotics for you, sir.

LUCIFER:  My name is Lucifer Morningstar.

2VILE: "Lucifer Morningstar"? (laughs) Now, that's a good hip-hop name.

LUCIFER: Well, that offends me.

2VILE:  What, you don't like hip-hop?

LUCIFER: No, I most certainly do not.

2VILE: Well, that offends me. You have a problem with black people?

LUCIFER: No, not in the slightest. I just hate your music. (laughs)

And when I say "your music," I mean your music.

Not the music made by other black people.

Without the blues, there'd be no devil's music whatsoever.

There are, of course, many giants in the field.

Just not you... am I being clear?

2VILE: (chuckles) Yeah, you're being clear all right.

Good.

If you're looking to get yourself k*lled.

(g*n clicking)

LUCIFER: Yes, well, don't waste your munitions... I'm immortal.

Tell me about Delilah.

2VILE: You ain't seen the news? Bitch is d*ad.

(That ignites Lucifer. He violently SHOVES 2VILE, sending him SHATTERING THROUGH A GLASS DOOR, toppling over the balcony to certain death just as Lucifer grabs him by his blinged-out

chains. Suspending him high above the hillside)

(g*n)

2VILE: Don't sh**t, you idiot!

I didn't k*ll her.

LUCIFER: Why should I believe you?

2VILE: Because I loved the girl.

LUCIFER: People sometimes k*ll people with whom they're in love.

The heart's mysterious.

So I'm told.

2VILE: Ain't like that.

Girl made me crazy!

LUCIFER: Women can do that.

Doesn't mean you should b*at them up, does it?

2VILE: We worked that out a long time ago.

I h*t her once 'cause I found out she was cheating on me.

LUCIFER: All right. With whom?

2VILE: I don't know. I don't know.

She wouldn't tell me, all right?

Said it was a big secret, some-some, uh, rich married guy.

LUCIFER: Well, does she have a friend that she might've confided in?

2VILE: She didn't trust no one, man.

Uh, uh, her therapist.

Her therapist is probably the only one who knows.

She-she's some, uh, uh, Dr. Linda in-in Beverly Hills.

Saw her, like, five times a week on the DL.

Used a fake name, everything.

LUCIFER: Oh, did she now?

Well, thank you for your time.

Chloe: LAPD! g*n down. On the floor, down! You two against the wall.

LUCIFER: Detective, welcome to the party.

CHLOE: Grab the bucket, collect the g*n.

Now!

LUCIFER: You sly dog, you did listen to me.

CHLOE: I ran the d*ad guy's cell phone. 2Vile was the last person he called.

2VILE: Come on, man.

CHLOE: What I find highly interesting is how you made the connection on your own.

Well, I've been busy, my dear.

CHLOE: Talk to me about Delilah.

LUCIFER: We've been over that one, Detective.

And why you called the sh**t two days before she was m*rder.

2VILE: Fine. Yeah, I called Eddie 'cause he hooks me up sometimes.

He met Delilah through me. Whatever. Don't make me a k*ller, do it?

CHLOE: No, but it does make you a suspect.

What, so everyone on Eddie's phone's a suspect? Are you joking? You gonna drag half of Hollywood downtown. Be like the Oscars or something.

Wait, aren't you that chick from that film?

Hmm, what's this? What film?

You used to be an actress or something, right?

Yeah.

That teen movie... I forget what it's called.

LUCIFER: Of course. Hot Tub High School. That's where I know you from.

CHLOE: Let's just stick to my questions, shall we? So...

The one with the famous nude scene, coming out of the hot tub!

It was, like, a complete Fast Times rip-off.

She was, like, the new Phoebe Cates!

CHLOE: Thanks, I appreciate that.

That was quite a nude scene.

CHLOE: I have far too many b*ll*ts in this thing for you to still be talking. You, we need to have a conversation right now.

LUCIFER: That's a waste of time, Detective. I've just thr*at his life... he's not our guy. He would've said, trust me.

CHLOE: You did what?

Yeah, isn't that illegal?

CHLOE: Uh, little bit, yeah. You stay put. You, you're coming with me.

What? Ooh. (laughs)

With pleasure.

At least, perhaps now, you'll listen to me.

Although, I'm not quite sure why I'm being arrested.

CHLOE: Because you're interfering with a police investigation. You've broken I can't even count how many laws. And you pissed me off.

LUCIFER: Right, I can get out of these, you know?

CHLOE: Funny. How'd you do that?

LUCIFER: (sighs) Come on, we're wasting time.

We should be out there solving a homicide and punishing those responsible.

CHLOE: "We"? You're insane. I'm taking you in. Get in the car.

LUCIFER: No, that's boring. Not to mention pointless. Come on, I'll help you. It'll be fun.

CHLOE: How could you possibly help me?

LUCIFER: I have a certain skill set. I can be very persuasive with people and tend to see things that others cannot.

CHLOE: So, you're psychic or something?

LUCIFER: No, I can't read people's minds. I'm not a Jedi.

People just like to tell me things.

CHLOE: Hmm, just-just tell you things? Just confess their sins, just like that?

LUCIFER: No, not their sins.

I have no power over people's sins. I actually get a bad rap for that.

I have the ability to draw out people's forbidden desires.

The more simple the human, the easier it is.

The more complex, the more challenging and exciting, really.

But no, the actual sins, the sins are on you people.

CHLOE: "You people"? I got it. I got it! The name? The whole Lucifer thing? And desire's, like, your superpower.

LUCIFER: Mm, it's more like a gift from God really. Okay, look. Tell me, Detective, what do you desire more than anything else in this life?

CHLOE: This is it? This is your big trick? (sighs) I guess, when I was a little girl, I... always wanted to be a cop like my daddy, so that... that one day I could help people and... and be taken seriously... ...when I say to shut up and get in the damn car.

LUCIFER: You're not, like, a Jedi or something, are you?

CHLOE: Get in the car.

LUCIFER: No, no, no, no, no. Look.  I know something you don't know.

CHLOE: Really? What's that?

LUCIFER: Won't say unless you take me with you on this. Please, come on. I got to 2Vile, didn't I?

CHLOE: Why do you care about this so much? About Delilah?

LUCIFER: Look, I just... I just do. Look, if I hadn't meddled with her career, maybe she wouldn't have died.

CHLOE: Okay. Okay, fine... but if this little clue thing of yours doesn't pan out, these are going back on, and they're gonna stay on. Is that a promise?

Chloe: Yeah, therapist in Beverly Hills with the first name Linda. See if Delilah was a client.

Ah-ah, actually, she had a pseudonym, which I also happen to know.

I'm quite good at this, aren't I?

Uh, Penny Lane.

CHLOE: Okay. Delilah may have gone by Penny Lane. Thanks. Don't look so smug.

Nothing's panned out yet.

LUCIFER: No, no, no, it's not that.

It's just that I knew that I recognized you.

CHLOE: Right. Right, you've seen my boobies. It's exciting. What, are you 12?

LUCIFER: So is the, uh... is the movie why you've got such a chip on your shoulder?

CHLOE: Uh, it's low on the list of things I have to live down, I guess.

Right.

Attractive female cop struggling to be taken seriously in a man's man's world... that it?

CHLOE: Yeah, something like that.

LUCIFER: Well, they're thr*at. You're clearly smart and have notable instincts.

Ignore them. Trust yourself.

(cell phone rings)

CHLOE: Detective Decker. All right, text it to me. Thanks.

What's that?

CHLOE: (sighs) What you were saying stands up. There's a Penny Lane who sees a Dr. Linda Martin in Beverly Hills.

Excellent. I'll clear my schedule.

(cell phone rings)

LUCIFER: Ooh, someone's popular.

CHLOE: Please stop talking. Hello. What? You're kidding me. Is she okay? Oh, of course, he's not there. Thanks. We got to make a pit stop.

LUCIFER: What? No, absolutely not.

CHLOE: My kid got into a fight. I got to pick her up. What, can't she get herself home? She's seven.

LUCIFER: Look, I'm not here to help you run errands. I'm here to help you solve a homicide.

CHLOE: Really?

("Sinister Kid" by the Black Keys playing)

Chloe: All right.

Wait here.

LUCIFER: With pleasure. Despise children.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ A sinister kid is a kid who ♪

♪ Runs to meet his Maker ♪

♪ A drop-d*ad sprint from the day he's born ♪

♪ Straight into his Maker's arms ♪

♪ And that's me, that's me ♪

♪ The boy with a broken halo. ♪

I don't think you're allowed to smoke in here.

LUCIFER: Oh, dear, what will become of me?

My mother is a police officer.

She could arrest you.

(lighter snaps shut)

LUCIFER: Oh, I think I might know your mother.

What's your name?

LUCIFER: Lucifer.

(whispering): Like the Devil?

LUCIFER: Exactly.

My name's Beatrice, but everybody calls me Trixie.

LUCIFER: That's a hooker's name.

What's a hooker?

LUCIFER: Ask your mother.

So... why are you in trouble?

See that girl over there?

She was bullying me.

She created a fake Snapchat account and used it to make fun of me.

So... I kicked her in the no-no-touch-touch square.

LUCIFER: Oh. Oh, I see.

Well played.

Well played, indeed.

LUCIFER: Hello, mean girl. Did you know there's a special section of Hell reserved for bullies?

So have fun.

(screams)

What did you do?

LUCIFER: Oh... I just think someone's feeling a little guilty.

(school bell rings)

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, munchkin.

Chloe: Wow, shocker, you're late.

Come on, give me a break.

I'm putting a case to bed.

Right, like I'm not working a case, too.

Oh, yeah, the one you tried to steal from me.

You mean the open and shut one.

You did open and shut it, right?

I'm being diligent, Dan. It's a high-profile case.

Exactly, which is why you need to be smart about it.

LUCIFER: She is smart. You're the dimwit.

Perhaps you should refrain from arguing in front of the child.

It's unbecoming.

I don't know whether to laugh or to sh**t you.

LUCIFER: Surprise me.

Isn't he funny, Daddy?

Chloe: Hey, can you, uh, drop Trix at my mom's?

We got to go. Thank you.

Trixella, give Mommy a kiss.

I love you so much.

Good job standing up to the mean girl.

Thanks, Mommy.

What's a hooker?

Daddy will tell you.

Bye, Lucifer.

It was nice meeting you.

Chloe: Hmm.

Think she likes you.

LUCIFER: Of course she does... what's not to like?

Was your offspring planned or a mistake?

Planned, sort of.

LUCIFER: Really? 'Cause I've never understood the human desire to procreate.

That's probably a good thing.

LUCIFER: I mean, children are hideous little creatures, terrible, taxing burdens.

Mmm. Mmm.

LUCIFER: Oh, um, yours is fine. I mean, you know, nothing to crow about, but nothing to be too embarrassed about, either, so that's quite good, isn't it?

Are you at all aware of how dickish you sound?

LUCIFER: No. Speaking of dicks... why was that ex-husband of yours pressuring you to close the case?

No reason.

LUCIFER: Strange.

Yes, you are.

LUCIFER: Did my father send you?

(door opens)

LINDA: Okay, Detectives, I'll see you now.

Chloe: Thank you.

LUCIFER: Oh. "Detectives."

Chloe: Dr. Martin, I'd like to ask you a few questions about Delilah.

LUCIFER: You're thinking about it, aren't you?

LINDA: What?

LUCIFER: Yes, I wouldn't recommend it.

I'm like walking heroin.

Very habit-forming. It never ends well.

(sighs)

I'm sorry, do... do you two know each other?

No, no, but I know that look.

LINDA: I don't know what you're talking about.

LUCIFER: That is interesting 'cause... you don't look at me that way.

What way?

LUCIFER: With carnal fascination.

That's 'cause it doesn't exist.

LUCIFER: No, you see, that's just it... with most women, it does. 

I tend to appeal to the dark, mischievous hearts in all of you, but you, Detective, you seem oddly immune to my charms.

Referring to them as "charms," I think, is a bit of a stretch. Truth be told, I find you repulsive.

Like, on a chemical level.

LUCIFER:  That's fascinating. Now, tell me, Linda...

You say it's fascinating, and yet I can see that it disturbs you, doesn't it?

Deeply.

Chloe: Dr. Martin, we know that, um, Delilah was having a clandestine affair with a wealthy married man, so if you just tell us his name, we will be on our way.

LINDA: I'm sorry, I can't do that.

LUCIFER: Oh, she's one of the complex ones. Linda, darling, why don't you tell me? Hmm?

LINDA: Well, I can't.

(Lucifer chuckles)

LINDA: I want to, but I can't.

(laughs)

LINDA: (laughing): Oh, you're the devil.

LUCIFER: (chuckles) Correct.

Now, come on, Dr. Martin.

I know you want to.

LINDA: Oh, man, and it's really, really juicy, too.

Ooh, I bet it is.

LINDA: No, I can't.

What did you do to her? Did you roofie her?

LUCIFER: Oh, no, it's not her fault.

She's just reacting to me.

Just watch and learn, okay?

Right, the answer is yes, we can take a trip to pound town if we must, but first, you're gonna have to tell us, Linda, okay?

LINDA: (moaning): Um...

(chuckles)

LINDA: Okay... (chuckles) it's Grey Cooper.

Grey Cooper?

Seriously?

That is juicy.

Grey Cooper, the actor?

The one who's married to Amanda what's-her-chops?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, he's horrible. So square-jawed, so handsome, so vanilla.

Oh, I'm really quite disappointed in Delilah. That's truly terrible taste in the opposite sex.

Thank you very much, Dr. Martin.

We'll be in touch.

All right, we got to go.

LUCIFER: Yes, of course, but I... I made a deal, so I'm gonna have to hold up my end of the bargain. You wouldn't mind waiting outside?

Are you seriously talking about having sex with her right now?

LUCIFER: Well, it won't take long.

LINDA: I do yoga. Hot... yoga. I'm freakishly flexible. Want to see?

Wow! (chuckles) I really tried to keep that one in.

LUCIFER: Well, you tried... that's what matters.

Uh, look, I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to take a rain check.

I will be back, okay?

I certainly hope so.

LUCIFER: My word is my bond.

♪ It's always something ♪

♪ Before the late night ♪

♪ Around the corner... ♪

LUCIFER: Excuse me! Excuse me.

Ah, excuse me. Thank you.

Hey, hey, sir.

(tires squealing, g*n)

Who the (bell rings) is this guy?

What the hell are you doing?

Chloe: Excuse me. Excuse me.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Sorry, he's with me.

That's not Grey Cooper.

No, of course not.

What the hell is this?

We need to speak with Mr. Cooper.

God, Delilah, yeah, heard about that this morning.

I can't believe it.

We did a movie together last year.

Got pretty close.

Lovers?

Friends.

LUCIFER: Friends who were lovers?

Chloe: Settle down.

I'll handle the questions.

Mr. Cooper, when did you last have contact with Delilah?

LUCIFER: Well, actually, I just have one more question before you proceed with the boring ones. Tell me, Mr. Cooper, what do you want more than anything in this world? What's your deepest, darkest desire? You close your eyes, what do you see?

I'm the president of the United States of America.

LUCIFER: Ha! Well, who's the Devil now, eh?

Those are some pretty big aspirations there, Mr. Cooper.

(chuckles) Well, after the acting and stuff.

LUCIFER: No need to be embarrassed. Hell, if Arnold can do it, right?

(chuckles)

Now, you wouldn't want any nasty secrets screwing that up for you, though, would you?

Is there a point to this?

Mr. Cooper, were you having an affair with Delilah?

AMANDA: Honey! Have you been getting my texts? I thought they were breaking you for lunch like a half hour ago.

What's going on?

These people are detectives.

Real ones?

CHLOE: We have some questions about Delilah.

Oh. Oh. Yes, it's so sad.

Yeah. Very sad.

Your watch, where'd you get that?

Oh, it's a prop.

Amanda: No, that's the one Delilah gave you, isn't it?

For Time Will Tell?

Grey: Right. That's the movie that we did. It was a wrap gift.

(chuckles) Yeah. She buy a $10,000 watch for the whole crew?

Uh, no.

Just me, as far as I know.

'Cause we were, you know, costars and everything.

You know, you're gonna have to get much better at lying if you want to be president.

I know, right?

So you were sleeping with her, then, yeah?

Oh, yeah. (chuckles)

(laughing)

Crap. I just said that in front of people.

Whatever. It's not like I didn't know.

God, you are a terrible liar.

And actor, by the way.

You knew?

Of course.

Why else do you think I've been sleeping with Bobby?

Are you serious?

Oh, yeah. And it is good.

Mmm. I climb that man like a tree.

Right, Bobby?

Grey: My bodyguard?

What a cliché.

Oh, I'm a cliché? Well, you're a dick.

Oh, boy.

Hey, guys...

Come on!

Hey, guys. Arrest them.

Seriously?

(grunting)

One of them's got to be guilty.

♪ ♪

♪ h*t me point-blank, h*t me point-blank ♪

♪ h*t me point-blank... ♪

Thanks. (sighs)

So, Grey and Amanda have zero connection to the sh**t.

(sighs) But the sh**t had the same watch as Grey.

That can't be a coincidence.

Maybe Delilah gave him one, too, like kind of a go-to gift. I...

Well, that would imply she was actually sleeping with that maggot.

Really?

Jimmy, 2Vile, Grey Cooper.

That's three other maggots she's sleeping with.

I don't think there's a lot of discretion going on with her.

Yeah. I suppose you got a point.

CHLOE: (chuckles softly) God, what am I doing here?

LUCIFER: Wrong deity, but, yes, that is the eternal question.

CHLOE: (chuckles) No. I mean here, in a bar, with you.

LUCIFER: Well, I don't know. You tell me, Detective. I mean, despite your proclaimed revulsion, you can't deny that there's a connection between us. Tell me, what do you actually want?

CHLOE: You mean what do I desire more than anything else in this life?

LUCIFER: Yes.

CHLOE: Mm-hmm.

LUCIFER: No tricks. Not that they work on you, you freak.

LUCIFER: (chuckles) Seriously. I'm curious.

CHLOE: I don't know. What-what I told you's true. I-I really do want to help people. My father was a cop. He was a great cop. My mother was an actress. Really cheesy one. (chuckles)

I tried the acting thing. I took off my top.

Wasn't really contributing to the betterment of society.

LUCIFER: I disagree. I love that movie.

CHLOE: (chuckles) So I quit. Decided to become a cop like my dad and, uh, dealt with the whole Hot Tub High School thing, until, um, I became a detective and found a whole new way to ostracize myself.

LUCIFER: Ah, the... reason your ex-maggot was pressuring you to close this?

CHLOE: Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. There was a case, a sh**ting on Palmetto Street where a cop was sh*t, and I saw it differently than pretty much everyone in my department, including my ex.

And I stuck my neck out, and it backfired. And, uh, now... (chuckles) no one wants to work with me.

LUCIFER: Well, I'm available.

Too bad your little protégé isn't around to collect the check.

Reporter: The soundtrack album for the movie Time Will Tell has reached number 15 on the Billboard charts and is still climbing. Song and record sales...

CHLOE: Oh, wow.

LUCIFER: What?

CHLOE: Delilah didn't give that watch to the drug dealer.

♪ Got a heavy load, sometimes I wonder... ♪

Stop, stop, stop!

(music stops)

What is it? You got a gerbil in your throat? What's going on?

LUCIFER: Hello, Jimmy.

Really?

How's the album sales doing?

What album?

Soundtrack to Time Will Tell, which you produced.

Whitney Houston h*t the top ten for album sales after her death.

Michael Jackson h*t the stratosphere.

Not sure you'll achieve such heights having Delilah k*lled, but that sure is a boatload of royalty checks headed your way.

Guess you really needed the cash, huh?

Which is why you had to pay the sh**t with your watch.

The watch Delilah gave you. Now, that's just sick.

But then you are, so...

(g*n clicks)

Hey, Jimmy?

I made her, and she ruined me.

She humiliated me. She owes me.

LUCIFER: You're not God, Jimmy. You didn't make her.

But you did destroy her.

So I'm gonna punish you.

You back off, you freak. I mean it.

I am not going to jail for that bitch. No chance.

Listen to him, Lucifer. Back off.

LUCIFER: I told you, it's fine. I'm immortal.

Why did you do that?

He was gonna k*ll you.

LUCIFER: No, no, no, no, no, no. You just... you just let him off too easy. He needs to pay! He needs to suffer! He needs to feel the pain, not escape it!

Don't worry. I'm sure where he's going, the pain's coming.

LUCIFER: No. No, it's not, actually.

And you know why? Because I'm here and he's...

(g*n)

(gasps)

(gasping)

LUCIFER:  Chloe...

(gasping)

(weakly): I don't want to die.

LUCIFER: I won't let you. Your father will just have to wait for you.

(g*n)

(groaning)

LUCIFER: Just... give me one second.

(g*n)

(grunts)

Jimmy: No, please! No, no, please! Please.

Please don't k*ll me.

LUCIFER: Oh, Jimmy.

You're gonna wish that's all I did to you.

(screaming)

LUCIFER:  Well, look who's back.

(groans)

How long have I been out?

LUCIFER: (sighs) Three years.

What?

(chuckling)

You're such an ass.

LUCIFER: Thank you.

Oh, God.

He was f*ring at you. Why aren't you... more d*ad?

LUCIFER: You're having a very hard time with the immortal thing, aren't you?

(sighs)

What happened with Jimmy?

LUCIFER: Jimmy? Jimmy got what he deserved.

Hmm?

Well, I'm pretty sure I'd be d*ad if you hadn't helped me, so... thank you.

LUCIFER: Sorry, what was that? That last bit.

I didn't quite get that.

Thank you.

LUCIFER: You're welcome. And, besides, you know, you're far too interesting to let die.

You saved my life because I'm interesting?

LUCIFER: Wildly irritating as well, but yes.

(chuckles softly)

So what now?

Well, I mean, I've obviously proven myself to be an invaluable crime-fighting tool.

You're a pariah in the department.

I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Don't you?

Who the hell are you?

LUCIFER: I told you, I'm...

Lucifer!

LUCIFER: Uh, yes. Hello, child. Um, just... Why don't you save some of this unpleasantness for your mother, yeah?

(groans)

Ooh.

Sorry.

Oh.

God.

Are you hurt?

I'm okay.

LUCIFER: Right. Well, I'd stay for the family reunion, but it's giving me terrible IBS.

LUCIFER: So, look forward to seeing you soon, Chloe.

I don't.

LUCIFER: Bye, now. Glad you're not d*ad.

♪ Always something before the late night ♪

♪ Around the corner, there's always ♪

(distorting): ♪ Something waiting for you... ♪

LUCIFER: (groans) Bloody hell.

LUCIFER: What do you want from me?

I've been watching you, Lucifer.

LUCIFER: You perv.

And I'm not sure I like what I see. You're showing restraint, mercy.

LUCIFER: You scared I'm turning my back on the dark side, bro?

Lucifer, there is a balance here that we must maintain.

I strongly suggest you do what I told you to do and go back to Hell.

LUCIFER: Don't thr*at me, Amenadiel.

I mean, you don't want to start a w*r.

I would love a w*r.

(chuckling)

Oh, Luci. My hatred for you grows stronger with every visit.

LUCIFER: Well, I wouldn't have it any other way, pal.

I look forward to eating your heart one day.

Peace.

(wings flapping)

Ugh.

LUCIFER: I sense your disapproval, Maze. What is it?

MAZE: I just can't understand why you would save a human life.

LUCIFER: Well, there's... something different about her that I don't quite understand, and it vexes me.

MAZE:Maybe it's not her that's different.

LUCIFER: (chuckles) Is this where I'm supposed to ask, "Whatever do you mean?"

MAZE: I'm worried the humans are rubbing off on you. Stop caring. You're the Devil.

LUCIFER: Yes, I am.

♪ ♪

Okay. Right.

Uh...

LUCIFER: Here's the deal. We can have as much naked cuddle time as you desire, but... you're gonna have to listen to me, too. There's a few things that I'd like to discuss with you. You know, just a... an existential dilemma or two. Deal?

LINDA: Yes.

LUCIFER: Lovely.

♪ Oh, no, there ain't no rest for the wicked ♪

♪ Until we close our eyes for... ♪
{"type": "series", "show": "Lucifer", "episode": "01x01 - Pilot"}