AVENUE

Tammany Hall's "To The Woman" blares.

Close-up on J.D.'s helmeted, goggled face as he cruises along on his ride.

J.D.'s Narration: Since my scooter was in the shop, I didn't know how I was gonna get to work today. But luckily, my neighbor, Ronald, lent me his ride.

[Pull back to reveal J.D. perched on a tiny motor scooter.]

Ronald's six. But I still got there in time to steal the security guard's Arts & Leisures section.

He makes a hand signal and turns off the exit.

Cut to...

SACRED HEART PARKING LOT

J.D. zooms past the security gate, nabbing the newspaper from the security guard.

J.D.: Hellooooooo!

The guard gives chase.

J.D.'s Narration: Around here, everyone has some sort of morning ritual...

Meanwhile...

PATIENT'S ROOM

Elliot takes a seat at the bed of an older woman, a newspaper in hand.

J.D.'s Narration: ...Whether it's getting help on the daily word jumble from your dyslexic tracheotomy patient...

Elliot: [Reading] Uh, T P I P O E.

She blocks the hole in the woman's throat with a finger so she can speak.

Marcia: [Gasps] "Pot pie."

Elliot: Save your voice, Marcia. Mm, save it.

The camera pans up a floor to...

PHYSICAL THERAPY ROOM

Dr. Kelso brings an orderly over to an empty space on the floor.

J.D.'s Narration: ...cursing out an innocent orderly over a stolen physical therapy tub...

Dr. Kelso: Dammit, you better find it! Physical therapy tubs don't just disappear!

The camera pans up a floor to...

ROOF

The Janitor is sat in a stainless steel tub.

J.D.'s Narration: ...or for some, just a relaxing afternoon soak on the roof.

The Todd, in a very tiny speedo, approaches him.

Todd: Oh, come on, let me in. This totally covers my boys.

The Janitor taps a sign taped to the side of the tub which reads "NO BANANA HAMMOCKS".

Janitor: You try and get in here wearing that thing, I'm gonna give you a four-story atomic wedgie.

The alarm on his watch goes off.

Down below, J.D. is seen riding his tiny scooter. The Janitor stands from his tub and grabs a mirror off the ledge of the roof, reflecting the sun in J.D.'s face.

J.D.: [Veering] Waaagggh! My eyes!

He blindly steers into some hedges, getting thrown from his scooter in a spray of leaves.

Cut to...

NURSES' STATION -- A LITTLE LATER

J.D. sits on the desk in the care of several nurses who finish bandaging his elbow.

J.D.: Well, yeah, it hurt. But when you accept the keys to the hog, you become a lifetime member of the Danger Club. Excuse me, fine ladies...[stands and hefts his teeny bike]...I've got lives to save.

He starts down the hall, joining Elliot.

Elliot: [Gasps vaguely] Ronald's gonna be mad!

J.D.: Well, he's six. What's he gonna do, kick my ass?

J.D.'s Thoughts: Again....

He dumps the bike in a nearby trash can.

Elliot: [Handing her chart to him] Hey, check this chart out -- this guy says he's been in pain for like three months.

J.D.'s Narration: For doctors, pain is complicated. Every patient handles it differently depending on their race...

Flash to...

EXAM ROOM

An Asian Benihana-type chef sits with a large Kn*fe sticking out of his bloody shoulder.

Chef: Does what hurt?

Flash to...

BIRTHING ROOM

A man stands holding the hand of his laboring wife.

J.D.'s Narration: ...gender...

Husband: Ow! I just bit the inside of my lip! Ahh! Nothing has ever hurt so badly!

His wife glares at him.

Flash to...

ANOTHER EXAM ROOM

A black-leather-clad guy sits on the table as the doctor prods the fish-hook threaded through the guy's cheek.

J.D.'s Narration: ...or even their sex life....

Freak: Ohhhh! Yeah...that feels good!

Flash to...

PATIENT'S ROOM

J.D. and Elliot enter, standing at the foot of the bed.

J.D.'s Narration: And since there's no way to truly gauge how much pain someone's in, we have to rely on an archaic chart.

Elliot: [Scrutinizing the chart] Mr. Peele, you're about a...7 on the pain chart.

She holds the chart up, matching the screwed-up little doodle face to the patient's actual pained expression.

Elliot: Yep. You're a 7.

Mr. Peele: What's a 10?

Outside the window, a screaming Todd is lowered by the stretched back of his speedo. Looks like Janitor made good on his thr*at.

Todd: Aaaaaaagggghhhh! AAAAAGGGGHHH! Aaaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhh! AAAGGGHHH! AaaaaAAAAAAggggghhhhh! Aaaagggghhhh!

J.D.: That's a 10.

Todd: ...Aaaaagggghhhhh...!

===

OPENING THEME

COMMERCIALS

===

I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION

J.D. walks past, slowing at the sight of a basket on the desk.

J.D.'s Narration: After four years here, I'm finally comfortable helping myself to the nurses' muffin basket.

Kicky swing music blares as J.D. frantically grabs a bite of each muffin.

J.D.'s Thoughts: [Continuing on] Mmmmm! Blueberry-cran-carrot-zucchini-poppyseed-chocolate chip!

J.D.: All right, everybody! [His interns in the ward turn to look.] Last one here [draws an imaginary line on the floor with his foot] has to do a double shift this weekend!

They all run and dive to reach their hands to the line. It's close.

J.D.: Keith, you just lost your weekend!

They all stand up.

Keith: What!? I totally b*at Lisa!

J.D.: Lisa, call that androgynous husband of yours and tell him or her you're mine this weekend.

Lisa: But I feel like I edged out James.

J.D.: Okay, my ba--I guess we're not crystal clear on the ground rules. Okay, tomorrow it'll be the last one to touch my face -- no, I'm not gonna like that. The last one to touch my bott-- no, that's probably illegal. I'll tell you what, I'll just e-mail everyone. [Claps] That's what I'll do; in this day and age, that's what you do.

[Leads them to a bed] Okay, over here, guys, Mr. Jenkins spent all night without being treated. Now, I know he's homeless and smells like an obese man's twosie --

Mr. Jenkins: Heeey.

J.D.: Sorry, thought you were dozing. The thing is, guys, it doesn't matter if he's a homeless guy or [goes over to the next bed] some senile old r*cist --

Mr. Bursick: Which people do I hate, again?

J.D.: Immigrants, Mr. Bursick, you hate all immigrants.

Mr. Bursick: And why do I hate--

J.D.: I don't have time, Mr. Bursick!

[Goes over to the interns] Guys, if I give you a patient, I expect you to work your butts off for him. And P.S.? Mr. Jenkins is a Vietnam vet. Let's take care of him...like he took care of our nation.

[They stare at him.]

Get outta here!

They leave, revealing Dr. Cox going over a chart nearby.

J.D.: That's how you light a f*re under their butts, Perry! You get 'em going with some inspiration!

Dr. Cox: Too much! talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much...talking. Why did you order a B.M.P. test on my patient, Mrs. Wilk, last night?

J.D.: Because she's my patient.

Dr. Cox: Interesting, seeing as I admitted her.

J.D.: And I treated her last night.

Mr. Bursick: Dr. Dorian, why do I hate all--

J.D.: Because they're stealing all of our jobs, Mr. Bursick! Stealing all of our jobs....

Perry, we spent an equal amount of time with Mrs. Wilk. Now seeing as we're both attendings -- i.e. [air quotes] equals -- why don't we let her decide who her doctor is, huh?

Dr. Cox: Or...we could skip the day-trip to Unnecessary Land and instead simply concede that Mrs. Wilk is my patient and that, while we are both attendings, we are in no way equals -- we are in fact not equals. We are -- hmmm! -- unequals.

Cut to...

MRS. WILK'S ROOM

The middle-aged woman is lying in her bed.

Mrs. Wilk: I choose Dr. Dorian.

J.D.: [Overjoyed] Oh my God. Oh my God! I don't even believe it! I don't believe it! I don't believe it-lieve it-lieve it! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yes! I'm shaking. Look at this! It's crazy talk!

Mrs. Wilk: He played Hearts with me all night.

Dr. Cox grumbles and leaves.

Mrs. Wilk: [To J.D.] You're a very strange young man, aren't you.

J.D.: I was a preemie.

===

MR. PEELE'S ROOM

The man's wife stands over his bed, comforting him in his pain as Elliot enters.

Elliot: Mr. Peele, I have run every test, and I cannot find any medical reason for your pain.

Mr. Peele: [Pained] Guhhhhhh!

J.D.'s Narration: Then Elliot did what every good doctor does when they're truly stumped. She pawned him off.

Elliot: I've called a surgical consult.

Mr. Peele: [Pained] Nnnneeegh?

Turk comes in.

Turk: Help has arrived! Help has arrived.

Elliot: Ah! Turkleton!

She passes the chart to Turk and leaves.

J.D.'s Narration: And then Turk said what every surgeon says when he's not sure what to do.

Turk: [Looks over the chart] Hm. Mind if I slice you open?

Mr. Peele: [Pained] AAAAAGGGHHH!

Turk: [Startled] Aaagh! Uncool!

===

NURSES' STATION

Carla looks over the station full of staffers.

Carla: 'Kay, listen up, everyone! I'm sure you all got the flier I made reminding everyone of the annual staff picture! [Holds it up.] I need to know by a show of hands how many of you aren't going to be able to make it?

They all raise their hands.

Carla: [Whining] Oh, come on! Aren't you guys embarrassed by our last three staff pictures?

She gestures to the framed photos on the wall.

2002 featured Carla, Laverne, Todd posing in a speedo, and two other staffers.

2003 featured a slightly disappointed Carla, Laverne, Todd posing in a speedo, and one other staffer.

2004 just had a very disappointed Carla...and Todd posing in a speedo.

Carla: Laverne. [Nurse Roberts comes close.] I'm gonna need a little bit of your church enthusiasm to help sell this?

Nurse Roberts nods, and they stand on their chairs.

Carla: Dammit, everyone! [They look.] We are a family!

Nurse Roberts: A family, people-uh!

Carla: And I know we love each other.

Nurse Roberts: Love's all we got-uh!

Carla: So can't we just take ten minutes from our day to take a real staff photo?

Nurse Roberts: [Grabs a tambourine and starts singing] Yes, we can! Ha! Yes, we can!

Turk and Elliot start to dig it.

Carla: The tambourine's a little much, Laverne.

Elliot: Carla, I don't photograph well. On my driver's license, I look like Gary Busey.

She walks out, passing a doctor who also looks a lot like Gary Busey ('cause, well, he's played by Gary Busey).

Gary Busey Doc: They say the same thing about me.

He chuckles to himself and walks off in the other direction, passing Turk.

Turk: See you later, Elliot.

Dr. Cox: [Putting his arm around Kelso's shoulder] I am gonna let Big Bob, here, give the first excuse.

Dr. Kelso: Blah blah blah, I'm not doing it.

He walks off, Cox follows along behind.

Dr. Cox: I'm caught on his collar!

Carla: This picture is happening!

The Janitor mops over near her.

Janitor: No, it's not.

Carla: Oh, what do you know, mop jock?

Janitor: A pretty good couple things over the years: The kitchen f*re of '97. The kitchen f*re of '98. The arson conviction of Luis the fry-cook. And, of course, the eventual termination of the hospital's Convicts-to-Cooks program. Bottom line -- not gonna happen.

He mops off.

Behind him, Turk has found Laverne's tambourine.

Turk: [Banging the tambourine and singing] Not gonna happen! No, not gonna happen! Ha ha! Not gonna happ--

[Stops at Carla's pissed look] By the way, I, uh...I won't be at the picture, either.

He runs off.

Carla: [Evil growl, kinda like Eartha Kitt] You'll be there. You'll all be there.

NURSES' STATION -- PATIENT SIDE

J.D. slides along the desk, stopping next to Dr. Cox.

J.D.: Helloooooo!

If you're wondering what a "thank you for being my doctor" card from Mrs. Wilk looks like, it looks a little something like this.

Dr. Cox: [Reading the card J.D. holds in front of him] "Happy Anniversary, Gals"?

J.D.: Oops. This one's actually for my aunt Judy and her lady friend. Must've grabbed the wrong card.

Dr. Cox: [Flicking his hand, walking off] Ah, Newbie....

J.D.: [Chasing after] Ohh, right -- your imaginary warning light. Don't be mad, Perry -- this day was bound to come. See, I've studied you. I've taken your best qualities and my best qualities and I've combined them into something even better. Much the way that iced tea and lemonade were joined to become an "Arnold Palmer."

Incidentally, has anyone ever done less to become famous? I mean, "Yay for me -- I mixed two drinks together!"

Dr. Cox: Arnold Palmer is a golfer.

J.D.: I'm sure he has lots of hobbies, Perry. The man's a drink mogul. [Walks off, his face in his card] "Dear..."

Follow to...

MRS. WILK'S ROOM

J.D. enters, the exiting nurse passing him the woman's chart.

J.D.'s Narration: In a hospital, even the best of moods can be ruined simply by somebody handing you a chart.

She raises her brow to him, waiting for the news.

J.D.: Do you have any family, Mrs. Wilk?

Mrs. Wilk: No. I was married twice. Divorced one, the other one died. Wrong one died.

J.D.: [Sits on her bed.] Look, Mrs. Wilk, you have something called systemic amyloidosis. Now, it's in your liver now, but it'll eventually shut down all your organs. There's a treatment, but it's very invasive, and at best it'll just give you a little more time.

Mrs. Wilk: [Thinks] Well, I've had a great life, so--

J.D.: Say no more. I'm gonna take amazing care of you.

Mrs. Wilk: Okay.

===

HALL

J.D. and Turk walk through.

Turk: How's it going today, buddy?

J.D.: Pretty crappy. I just had to tell an old lady she's dying. How about you?

Turk: Okay. Elliot turfed this chronic pain patient to me -- I have no idea what's wrong with him, so I have to do exploratory surgery.

J.D.'s Narration: I always wondered what exploratory surgery was like.

***FANTASY***

O.R.

Turk is in surgery, assisted by a couple nurses.

Turk: I've made the first incision. I'm going in.

He dives, head-first, into the patient's open cavity.

Inside a blood-red cavern, Turk drops in.

Turk: [Shouting upward] Nurse! Hat!

His Indiana Jones-style fedora is passed down, and he dons it, starting off.

Turk: Colon? Why'd it have to be the colon?

He climbs a slope to an isolated pedestal, upon which sits a fist-sized golden rock.

Turk: Removing the golden tumor.

Armed with his bag of sand, he shakes the nerves out of his fingers and quickly makes the switch.

Success!

No! The natives are angry! The trap has been tripped! Arrows start flying! The cavern shudders!

Indiana Turk runs through!

Outside, Turk sticks his head out through the incision.

Turk: Ladies....

Poison darts all over them, the nurses fall over, d*ad.

Turk: They knew the risks.

***BACK TO REALITY***

WHEELCHAIR RAMP

J.D. and Turk exit the hospital.

J.D.: Watch out for colon darts.

Turk: [Looking around] Where's the doughnut truck? I got paged there was a doughnut truck out here?

Elliot emerges from the confused mob of doctors already out here.

Elliot: I got paged that there was a handbag sample sale!

Todd steps out of the group.

Todd: Where's the booby-touching booth?

J.D.: It's weird. It was like everyone was lured out here by the thing they want most in the world.

Dr. Cox: [Rushing up to J.D., pager in hand] Hey! You're not getting your ass kicked!

Dr. Kelso: Hold the phone! Look! Bleachers! Ladder! Bucket of combs! She's trying to take the picture! Scatter!

With a simultaneous "hoooog!" they all flee.

From the top of the ladder, Carla views the mayhem.

Carla: NOBODY MOVE! Laverne! Door!

Nurse Roberts: [Holding them back with a broom] Nobody's gettin' past here, baby!

Time Lapse...

Everyone's gathered on the bleachers for their picture, Carla proudly holding up the 2005 sign.

Carla: Okay, everybody -- one, two, three!

Meanwhile, up on the roof, Janitor has his J.D.-blinding mirror.

Janitor: ...And three.

As the picture is snapped, he reflects the sunlight into the lens.

===

MRS. WILK'S ROOM

J.D. enters, finding Dr. Cox next to the woman's bed.

J.D.: What are you doing here?

Dr. Cox: Mrs. Wilk was asking me some questions that I actually thought would be best answered by you.

Mrs. Wilk: Why did that sweaty attorney ask me if my affairs were in order?

J.D.: Because I wanted to make sure that you're as comfortable as possible.

Mrs. Wilk: As comfortable as possible? For what?

Dr. Cox: [Takes a seat, grinning with anticipation] I'm going to sit for this.

J.D.: For the place that you're going. You know, the big puffy clouds...the bright lights...all your old friends...?

Mrs. Wilk: Seattle?

J.D.: No, no no no -- not--not Seattle, the...you know, the dying...peacefully...place.

Mrs. Wilk: What are you talking about?

Dr. Cox: [Giddy] Now, I'm going to stand! [Does so.]

J.D.: This morning you told me that you had a great life.

Mrs. Wilk: Exactly, and I'd like to continue it!

Dr. Cox "sympathetically" comes over and puts his arm around J.D.

J.D.: Oh, this is just a misunderstanding. I'm so sorry. Tell her there's a misunderstanding, then.

Dr. Cox: He's tried to k*ll before.

J.D.'s Narration: In a hospital, the words "I'm sorry" can mean a lot of different things.

Mrs. Wilk lowers her eyes in disappointment.

Fade to...

MR. PEELE'S ROOM

The man raises his lowered eyes to Turk, who comes in with the chart.

Turk: So, the surgery went fine. Unfortunately, I didn't find any medical reason for your pain.

J.D.'s Narration: It can mean "I'm giving up on you"...

Turk: Sorry.

Fade to...

NURSES' STATION

Carla looks at her ruined photo, all white from lack of contrast.

J.D.'s Narration: It can mean you're not sorry at all...

The Janitor comes up behind her with his mirror.

Janitor: Sorry your picture didn't come out.

He hides the mirror as she turns.

Carla: Yeah.

As she wanders off, he pulls the mirror out to peer into the room behind him:

MRS. WILK'S ROOM

J.D. and Cox stand at the woman's bed.

J.D.'s Narration: And sometimes, "I'm sorry" can mean "your services are no longer needed."

Mrs. Wilk: I'm sorry, Dr. Dorian.

Dr. Cox: [Ushering J.D. out] So, you gave her the old death sentence, did ya. In the business, we call that a rookie mistake. But thanks for playin'.

He slams the door in J.D.'s face.

===

COMMERCIALS

===

NURSES' STATION

Dr. Kelso stands over a large fruit basket, where every piece of fruit is missing a bite out of it.

Dr. Kelso: Who the hell's responsible for this?

He walks off, behind J.D. who stands frozen with his mouth full of fruit.

J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, not even my giant mouthful of apple-pear-orange-banana-cherry-berry could lift my depression about losing my patient to Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox approaches him.

Dr. Cox: Hand over your stethoscope.

J.D.: [Swallows hard.] What?

Dr. Cox: In victory, I get your stethoscope. It's a trophy. You're lucky we're not back in olden times -- I'd-a made a necklace outta your teeth.

J.D.: [Handing the stethoscope over] I find this highly unprofessional.

Dr. Cox: Now I'm going to check on Mr. Jenkins, your w*r hero. I feel he, too, deserves a competent doctor. In fact, I'm gonna take all of your patients and consequently your only reason for getting out of that lacy, over-pillowed four-poster virgin cocoon you call a bed every morning.

He bumps J.D. in the shoulder on his way past.

J.D. turns to look wistfully towards Mrs. Wilk's room.

J.D.: Gotta get Mrs. Wilk back.

[She aims a remote at the window, and her shades snap shut.]

Who gave her a shade remote? I didn't even know we had shade remotes!

===

NURSES' STATION -- HALL SIDE

Carla sits behind the desk, looking at her ruined picture.

The Janitor approaches.

Janitor: Aww, either your picture didn't come out, or we got a hospital full of vampire doctors.

J.D. passes.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Vampire doctors? How did he hear about my screenplay?

Carla: [Standing] I don't know why you did it, but I know it was you.

Janitor: How?

Carla: Because it's always you.

Janitor: It's not always me!

Behind him, Kelso shakily rolls past, arms flailing.

Dr. Kelso: Aaaaaaaaaagggghhhhwhoooooooaaaaahaaaaauuuuuugh!

There's a loud clash and clatter down the hall, and Kelso is revealed to have fallen in a heap on top of a staffer.

Dr. Kelso: Who the hell put tiny wheels on my shoes!?

Yep, four little white wheels on each of his wingtips.

Janitor: [To Carla] Well, that's his fault -- he took a nap in the lounge.

Carla: Why would you ruin this for me? I mean, I didn't even ask you to be there!

Janitor: Imagine that. I been working here thirteen years, and I guess I don't rate as part of the family.

Carla: Did you want to be in the picture?

Janitor: No! It's just--I--it's...I gotta go.

He walks off.

Once he's cleared, Kelso competently rolls past in the other direction.

Dr. Kelso: I actually love these.

===

PATIENT'S ROOM

J.D. and Keith enter.

J.D.: [Reading a chart] Miss Brooks, your blood work looks fine.

He passes the chart off to Keith, and we get a look at the hot woman in the bed.

J.D.: But I'd like to take one more sample...just for me.

Intense music plays as J.D. pulls his lips back to reveal his fangs, and moves in to the woman's neck. She writhes and moans as he sucks.

Keith produces a vial which J.D. spits the blood into.

J.D.: You know, you taste a little anemic. [To Keith] Get that down to the lab, buddy.

Keith: [Leaving] Right away, Dr. Acula.

J.D.: That's what they call me. How you doin'?

***BACK TO REALITY***

CAFETERIA

J.D., at a table across from the enthralled Turk and Elliot, closes his script.

J.D.: The end.

Turk: So Dr. Acula is a doctor and a vampire?

J.D.: He's both. And at the very end, I'm gonna put "Dr. Acula" across the screen, take that period, get it outta there, squish it together -- it'll say "Dracula"!

(They bother to demonstrate this with an on-screen text graphic as he explains.)

Turk: That is an awesome ending!

J.D.: Um, thank you for telling me what I already know, Turk.

He smugly stands and leaves, clutching his precious script.

He does a little spin before exiting, going right past Mr. Peele's wife, who talks to a staffer.

Elliot: Frick! It's Mrs. Peele! One of us has to talk to her!

The woman starts heading towards them.

Turk: All right, the first one to chug their slushy is off the hook. Come on! Here we go!

He pulls the lid off his cup and takes a big gulp.

Turk: Aaaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh! Brain freeze!

Mrs. Peele: Why is my husband being discharged?

Elliot: Look, Mrs. Peele, we really cannot--

Turk: [Rubbing his head] Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!

Elliot: [Jabbing him] Turk, come on!

Turk: [Rubbing his head] It's so cold!

Elliot: Mrs. Peele, even though Dr. Turk is currently incapacitated by his cherry-flavored beverage, he is a fantastic surgeon --

Turk: [Still pained, but gives a thumb's up] Uh-huh.

Elliot: -- and he didn't find anything. And I am a great doctor --

Turk: [Waves his hand vaguely] Ehhh.

Elliot: -- and I didn't, either. Don't you think that...maybe the pain could all be in his head?

Mrs. Peele: Last week, we were all watching T.V., and he was in too much pain to get up and use the bathroom. So he soiled himself, on the couch, right in front of our son. How do you explain that?

Turk: [Now recovered] Maybe there was a really good game on television?

Mrs. Peele sh**t him a look.

Elliot: Probably not.

===

HOSPITAL EXTERIOR -- BENCH

J.D. sits reading over his "Dr. Acula" script.

Up on the hospital roof, the Janitor positions a magnifying glass.

From the intense sunlight being cast on it, J.D.'s script catches f*re.

J.D.: [Tossing it away] Agh! My screenplay!

Dr. Kelso rolls over, a pipe in hand. He takes a seat next to J.D. on the bench.

Dr. Kelso: Hey, sport!

He bends down towards the ground, and comes up with his pipe a-smoking.

J.D.: You just lit your pipe on my title page!

Dr. Kelso: I heard Mrs. Wilk gave you the axe.

J.D.: She said "I've led a great life." And every doctor in the world knows that's code for "I'm ready to die."

Dr. Kelso: How old do you think I am, Dorian?

J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, there's no way to answer that and not get in trouble. Change the subject.

J.D.: Sir, I would be honored if you and Enid would join me at my place on Sunday for some homemade jambalaya.

Dr. Kelso: Well, it would be good for Enid to get out of the house....

J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh my God, he's actually thinking about it! Change the subject back!

J.D.: You're seventy-eight, sir.

Dr. Kelso: You think I'm that old?

J.D.: Jambalaya....

Dr. Kelso: I'm fifty-seven, numb-nuts.

J.D.: Really?

Dr. Kelso: And I know they say fifty-seven is the new forty --

J.D.: Who?

Dr. Kelso: -- but lately, it seems all people see when they look in my direction is some old guy. Hell, just last week, I was in the mall hanging out at Brookstone, and some kid asked me if I was lost.

J.D.: Brookstone? Were you looking for gadgets, sir?

Dr. Kelso: If that's what you call trolling for mall ass, then yeah.

J.D.: [Under breath] Okay....

Dr. Kelso: The point is, you think Mrs. Wilk is old enough to die. I'm betting she doesn't agree.

===

CAFETERIA

Carla arrives with her tray at a table where J.D., Elliot, and Turk are already seated with their food.

Carla: How'm I supposed to know the Janitor has feelings?

Elliot: We should have just believed Mr. Peele. I mean, it's not like somebody just poos their pants for no reason.

J.D.: Turk did that in college on a bet.

Turk: Carla did not know that story. Thank you.

J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes when you're feeling guilty, it's like a storm cloud over your head.

***FANTASY***

The atmosphere of the cafeteria clouds over, and at a crack of thunder and a flash of lightning, a small rainstorm pours over the table.

J.D.'s Narration: I knew there was only one way to make the guilt storm go away.

Cut to...

I.C.U.

The rain continues to pour over J.D.

J.D.: Mrs. Wilk, I'm sorry.

He heads towards her open door, where he's instantly bathed in warm, dry, forgiving sunlight. Dog-like, he shakes his dripping hair.

***BACK TO REALITY***

MRS. WILK'S ROOM

J.D. stands in front of the woman, eyes closed and tossing his dry hair.

J.D.: Mrs. Wilk, I just wanted to say I was wrong to think you wouldn't want to try every possible treatment there is to avoid...you know...the place where...you know, there's clouds...and the...Space Needle.... Seattle.

Mrs. Wilk: Yes, you were. But thank you.

J.D.: You're welcome.

You got a lot of pluck for an older gal.

Mrs. Wilk: How old do you think I am?

J.D.: Jambalaya!

J.D.'s Narration: There are a lot of ways to make amends....

Meanwhile...

I.C.U. -- HALL

Carla approaches the Janitor.

Josh Radin's "These Photographs" comes up.

J.D.'s Narration: It can be as simple as including someone...

Carla: Hey. I want you to be in the picture.

He looks from one side to another, then unceremoniously drops his mop and grabs her about the waist, lifting her up and shaking her in an awkward bear hug. She whimpers uncertainly, and finally there's the sound of cracking vertebrae.

He sets her back down.

Carla: [Smiling] I thought you were trying to k*ll me.

Janitor: I fought the urge.

Carla: Okay....

Janitor: Thanks.

Meanwhile...

MR. PEELE'S ROOM

The man's wife helps him dress as Turk and Elliot come in.

J.D.'s Narration: ...or as complicated as committing to a difficult journey.

Turk: Mr. Peele. We believe your pain's real.

Elliot: And you're not going anywhere until we figure it out.

Mrs. Peele: Thank you.

Meanwhile...

ADMISSIONS

J.D. stands talking to a waiting woman.

J.D.'s Narration: The important thing is to regain the respect of your peers.

Dr. Cox approaches him. They start down the hall together.

Dr. Cox: Say, Newbie. I, uh, I gotta hand it to ya -- it took the heart of a lion to apologize to Mrs. Wilk like that.

J.D.: Thank you.

Dr. Cox: Of course, it took the incompetence of a bewildered jackass to make that error to begin with. Never make assumptions based on your own perceptions. Just...never do it.

J.D.: Really? You've been spending a lot of time treating my guy, Mr. Jenkins, right?

Dr. Cox: Yeah, he's a Vietnam veteran, he deserves as much.

J.D.: Yeah, actually, he's just a homeless guy. I made up the w*r veteran story to motivate my boys! But, what're you gonna do?

Dr. Cox starts flashing his "warning light."

J.D.: Oh, come on! You've gotten me like a hundred times. I finally got ya once! It was bound to happen, right?

Dr. Cox: I see your point. Kindly blow it out your ass.

J.D. chuckles.

They come out the emergency exit and down the wheelchair ramp, to the bleachers where it looks like all of Sacred Heart are gathered for their picture.

At the center, Janitor stands next to Carla, tidying his three-piece suit.

Carla: How did you get all these people to come down here?

Janitor: Fear.

Carla: Okay, everybody! One! Two! Three!

She proudly holds up her 2005 sign and they all cheer as the picture is taken.

Fade to Black
{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x06 - My Missed Perception"}