LOGOPOLIS

BY: CHRISTOPHER H. BIDMEAD

Part One

First Air Date: 28 February 1981
Running time: 24:32

ADRIC: Doctor.

DOCTOR: Chameleon circuit.

ADRIC: What? Doctor.

DOCTOR: Look, whenever you see me in this part of the TARDIS, pacing up and down like this, be a good chap and don't interrupt me, will you, unless it's terribly urgent. It's not terribly urgent, is it?

ADRIC: Well, no.

DOCTOR: Good, so now you'll know in fact there's no need for you to come barging in here at all, but if it is terribly urgent you can always ring the Cloister Bell.

ADRIC: The Cloister Bell?

DOCTOR: Yes.

ADRIC: What's that?

DOCTOR: Well, it's a sort of communications device reserved for wild catastrophes and sudden calls to man the battle stations.

ADRIC: But the TARDIS doesn't have battle stations.

DOCTOR: No, no, no, nothing along those lines. I sometimes think I should be running a tighter ship.

ADRIC: A tighter ship?

DOCTOR: Yes. The second law of thermodynamics is taking its toll on the old thing. Entropy increases.

ADRIC: Entropy increases?

DOCTOR: Yes, daily. The more you put things together, the more they keep falling apart, and that's the essence of the second law of thermodynamics and I never heard a truer word spoken. Come on. Come on.

DOCTOR: Have you seen the state of the time column recently? Wheezing like a grampus.

ADRIC: But it will get us to Gallifrey, won't it?

DOCTOR: Gallifrey? Oh yes, yes. Are you really set on going to Gallifrey?

ADRIC: Yes.

DOCTOR: Oh.

ADRIC: That is where we're going, isn't it?

DOCTOR: That's one of the questions I was just pondering. There's bound to be an awful lot of fuss about Romana. Why she stayed in E-space, official investigations, that sort of thing.

ADRIC: The Time Lords won't approve?

DOCTOR: What? She has broken the cardinal rule of Gallifrey. She has become involved, and in a pretty permanent sort of way. I think that you and I should let a few oceans flow under a few bridges before we head back home.

ADRIC: So we don't get to go to Gallifrey.

DOCTOR: Yes. Let me put another question to you. I have a place in mind that's on the way, well, more or less, give or take a parsec or two. It's my home from home. It's called Earth.

TEGAN: Passport.

VANESSA: Oh, she's going to go back in there. Forget her head if it wasn't screwed on, I tell you.

VANESSA: There we go.

TEGAN: Okay, Aunty Vanessa, let's go. More choke. Easy on the throttle as you turn her over.

VANESSA: While I do that, dear, I wonder if you'd mind shutting the front door.

VANESSA: And don't forget your bag. You might need it.

TEGAN: Rats. I promise I'll get organised one day.

VANESSA: Now calm now, Tegan, dear. Look, we've got plenty of time. You get yourself so excited.

VANESSA: Wish you and I had half her energy, though.

TEGAN: Sorry, Aunty. First flight nerves, I guess. Here, let me have a go.

VANESSA: That's a good idea. I'm not having any luck here with it at all this morning. It's really very cold.

TEGAN: It's cold.

VANESSA: There we are. Got all your things? Right.

TEGAN: I've got the knack.

VANESSA: You sure have.

TEGAN: Ladies and gentlemen. Although the fasten seatbelt sign is now off, we suggest that you keep your seatbelt fastened when seated. If necessary, you may move about the cabin. Smoking is now permitted.

ADRIC: Earth's the planet with all the oceans, isn't it?

DOCTOR: That's the chap.

ADRIC: Wet.

DOCTOR: Britain is. That's the one place where we can find these blue boxes.

ADRIC: TARDISes?

DOCTOR: Yes, but they're not. No spacious accommodation, no viewer screens. They don't even time travel. Just elementary Earth communications devices, and more or less obsolete by the time we'll be arriving there. There's some in the North that are still in use.

ADRIC: But we've got communications devices.

DOCTOR: But not a police box.

ADRIC: A police box?

DOCTOR: Yes. What the mathematical model of a TARDIS exterior is based upon.

ADRIC: I'd like to see Earth, but why go all that way just to look at something that looks like the TARDIS?

DOCTOR: Because I want to measure it.

ADRIC: Whatever for?

DOCTOR: Block transfer computation.

ADRIC: I've never heard of that.

DOCTOR: I'm not surprised. Logopolis is a quiet little planet.

ADRIC: Logopolis? But I thought we were going to Earth?

DOCTOR: No, that's the other place. We go to Logopolis afterwards.

ADRIC: You mean we're going to measure Logopolis, too?

DOCTOR: No, no, no. It's all to do with the chameleon circuit problem. We measure the police box on Earth, then we take the measurements afterwards to Logopolis. Come on, I'll show you.

ADRIC: What is it?

DOCTOR: The Cloister Bell.

ADRIC: It's stopped.

DOCTOR: Yes.

ADRIC: Well, what does it mean?

DOCTOR: Well, nothing, when it's not ringing.

ADRIC: But it did ring. Is there a wild catastrophe?

DOCTOR: Apparently not.

ADRIC: Well, something must have made it ring.

DOCTOR: Yes, or else our old friend entropy's nibbling away at the system circuitry. Let's take a look.

ADRIC: But you were saying about the chameleon circuit.

TEGAN: Hell's teeth, Aunty Vanessa. It is a flat.

VANESSA: I thought there was something funny about that steering, but you wouldn't listen to me.

DOCTOR: Well, it's only the exterior of a TARDIS that exists as a real space-time event.

ADRIC: But mapped on to one of the interior continua.

DOCTOR: Precisely. That's very good.

ADRIC: So you can change it into anything you like.

DOCTOR: Ah, well, that's a sore point. According to the handbook, yeah, because the outer plasmic shell of a TARDIS is driven by the chameleon circuit, or so the theory runs. In practice I always meant to ask Romana to help me fix it one day.

DOCTOR: Ah. I suppose we're going to miss Romana.

ADRIC: And K9, too.

DOCTOR: Yes. Still, the future lies this way.

TEGAN: Come on, Aunty. We've got to do something.

VANESSA: Yeah. Telephone for help.

TEGAN: Absolutely not. Cars. I hate 'em.

VANESSA: That's not what you said when I offered you a lift.

TEGAN: Sorry, Aunty, but you just don't get this sort of silly aggravation with aircraft.

VANESSA: Well, perhaps if we sit here and look helpless, someone might offer us a lift.

TEGAN: Pathetic. We'll crack this ourselves. Now then.

TEGAN: Where's the wheel spanner?

ADRIC: So the chameleon circuit's stuck?

DOCTOR: Exactly.

ADRIC: In Totter's Yard.

DOCTOR: In a totter's yard. Anyway, it was ages ago. It doesn't matter. She was in on Gallifrey for repair when I borrowed her.

ADRIC: I thought she was yours?

DOCTOR: Well, on a sort of finders-keepers basis, yes. I should have waited till they'd done the chameleon conversion, but there were other pressing reasons at the time. Anything happening up there?

ADRIC: No.

ADRIC: Yes.

DOCTOR: Good. Ah.

ADRIC: What do these numbers and letters mean?

DOCTOR: Well, it's an early version. The instructions have to be punched in by machine code.

ADRIC: Oh, how boring.

DOCTOR: Boring? In theory we should be able to do things like this.

DOCTOR: There. You have a door there.

ADRIC: Yes, I suppose that's useful.

DOCTOR: Well, we've got to be able to get in and out.

ADRIC: No, no, I mean being able to change like that.

DOCTOR: That's how the Master hid from us on Traken. Anyway, if this worked, I'd just have to punch a few buttons like this, and we'd be a pyramid.

ADRIC: It's very distinctive.

DOCTOR: Yes. I'm not sure we should be distinctive.

ADRIC: Why? Who's looking for us now? You've disposed of the Master.

DOCTOR: Yes. But since we left Traken, and then the Cloister Bell.

ADRIC: Wild catastrophe?

DOCTOR: Mmm.

ADRIC: Man the battle stations?

DOCTOR: Yes. Ah, Earth. Nearly there.

VANESSA: Completely remove the wheel-nuts, remove the hub trim, exchange the road wheels and replace the hub trim and wheel-nuts. Oh, dear.

TEGAN: Now that's what I call travelling.

VANESSA: You and your aeroplanes. I sometimes think you should have been born with wings.

TEGAN: Oh, rabbits.

VANESSA: By the way, dear, don't you think you should put a jack underneath there before you take that wheel off?

DOCTOR: We've missed.

ADRIC: What's supposed to happen?

DOCTOR: At least, I suppose it's a miss, but I thought just for once we'd materialise on the right coordinates.

DOCTOR: Two point six metres off target. What a landing.

ADRIC: It's not bad for the TARDIS.

DOCTOR: That's what I just said. What a landing. No, no, no, no. Don't open the door.

ADRIC: Aren't we going out there to measure it?

DOCTOR: There's no need to draw attention to ourselves. There's a simpler way, if I can just organise it. The TARDIS and I are getting rather better at these short hops.

ADRIC: It's just like the TARDIS!

DOCTOR: I hope not. That could produce some unpleasant dimensional anomalies. No, it's just an ordinary police box, around which we've materialised with considerable finesse, I hope you've noticed.

ADRIC: Police telephone, free for use of

DOCTOR: No, no, no, leave it alone.

DOCTOR: It's a communications device. Adric, take down these dimensions. I've been meaning to do this for centuries.

VANESSA: It's nearly done.

TEGAN: I don't really belong at ground level, Aunt Vanessa.

VANESSA: Yeah.

TEGAN: I didn't mean to be rude about your car. It's very nice of you to give me a lift to the airport.

VANESSA: My little runabout's used to being insulted by now.

TEGAN: Cars are all right, I guess. Just more fun to have your own plane back home. What kind of a maintenance schedule are you running here, Aunty Vanessa? This tyre's flat, too.

DOCTOR: Three point six seven metres normal to the back surface.

ADRIC: How much more of this is there?

DOCTOR: It has to be measured in every dimension.

ADRIC: But it can't have thirty seven dimensions! You said it was an ordinary Earth object.

DOCTOR: In every dimension. I need every detail. The Logopolitans convert that into a precise mathematical model.

ADRIC: Why?

DOCTOR: Well, to overlay it on the TARDIS.

ADRIC: And that's block transfer computation.

DOCTOR: Well, it's a way of modelling space-time events through pure calculation.

ADRIC: Really?

DOCTOR: No, transcendentally. It's quite hard to explain in a word.

ADRIC: Creating solid objects through pure mathematics.

DOCTOR: Yes. I meant to do it all of course when they first offered to do the chameleon conversion for me. It's highly specialised. But they say it'll work. Leg up.

VANESSA: Oh, please, dear, do let's get a man from the garage.

TEGAN: No way. The stories I've heard about the way they exploit helpless women. You want the job done well, you do it yourself, that's what Dad used to say.

VANESSA: Perhaps some knight errant will stop for us.

TEGAN: You have to learn to fend for yourself in the outback, you know.

VANESSA: Your father's farm is hardly the outback, my dear, and neither is this. You know, I can see a garage not even a quarter of a mile away.

TEGAN: Industry and application, Aunt Vanessa. Air stewardesses are supposed to be resourceful.

VANESSA: You're not an air stewardess yes, dear.

TEGAN: I will be after today.

VANESSA: If ever we get to the airport.

TEGAN: We will, just as soon as I get this wheel off.

VANESSA: Oh, god. You know, I thought I saw a man hovering over there. Perhaps he needed a wave of encouragement.

TEGAN: It's the 1980s, Aunt Vanessa. No knight errants.

ADRIC: So why do we have to go to Logopolis if the theory's as simple as you say?

DOCTOR: Because the actual working-out's incredibly tedious. Lots of fiddly computations. Much better to leave it to the Logopolitans. They do it standing on their heads.

ADRIC: Not with a computer?

DOCTOR: Standing on their heads is an expression.

ADRIC: Oh.

DOCTOR: As a matter of fact, they don't use computers, they use word of mouth.

ADRIC: Is that another expression?

DOCTOR: No.

ADRIC: They speak it?

DOCTOR: Mutter. Intone.

ADRIC: Intone the computations?

DOCTOR: Yes.

ADRIC: Why?

DOCTOR: I've wondered that myself. I never quite had the nerve to ask them.

DOCTOR: Another instrumentation failure.

ADRIC: A gravity bubble?

DOCTOR: No.

DOCTOR: Definitely a gravity bubble. Pretty local too, by the look of it.

ADRIC: Is that dangerous?

DOCTOR: Well, we'd better not dematerialise till I've investigated. I have a feeling I'm overlooking the obvious again. Back in two shakes.

DOCTOR: What are you doing, Adric?

ADRIC: I thought it might have something to do with the gravity bubble.

DOCTOR: What?

DOCTOR: I'm afraid you're right. No! You'd better leave this to me.

DOCTOR: Get back to the TARDIS.

ADRIC: But this is the TARDIS.

DOCTOR: A TARDIS, perhaps.

ADRIC: It looks just like yours.

DOCTOR: Yes, down to the last detail. No, wait, wait.

DOCTOR: This could be terribly dangerous. You'd better stay with me.

VANESSA: There you are, Tegan, dear. I've got the knack too.

TEGAN: I wish there was a knack to bl*wing up a spare tyre with a hole in it. Really, Aunt Vanessa, what's the point in driving around with a dud spare tyre?

VANESSA: It's the garage, then.

TEGAN: Crooks and swindlers, but I suppose we've got no choice.

VANESSA: Unless we wait for a knight errant?

TEGAN: No, thank you. Look, you stay here and get your breath back, and I'll go.

VANESSA: Take your bag, dear. You might have to pay for it. Ah, there's a girl. Good girl.

TEGAN: (reads) Police telephone, free for use of public. Advice and assistance obtainable immediately. Officers and cars respond to urgent calls. Pull to open.

TEGAN: That's funny. It's very peculiar indeed.

ADRIC: So it is another TARDIS.

DOCTOR: It's too early to tell.

DOCTOR: There are other things that can cause this sort of dimensional anomaly. See if you can do that again.

TEGAN: Hello? Anybody there?

TEGAN: Well, there must be intelligent life at the end of this lot.

TEGAN: Hello? Anybody receiving me? Hello? Come in, anybody. My name's Tegan Jovanka. I'd like to speak to the pilot.

TEGAN: Is that the crew in there?

VANESSA: Tegan? Goodness me.

ADRIC: How many more of these are there?

ADRIC: It couldn't be an infinite regression, could it?

DOCTOR: I hope not, because if it is, we'll never get out of it.

DOCTOR: Here, you do it.

ADRIC: Listen.

VANESSA: No!

ADRIC: Someone's trying to get in touch with us.

DOCTOR: We can't go back now.

ADRIC: Done it.

DOCTOR: We must be getting near to the nucleus of the bubble.

ADRIC: What's causing it?

DOCTOR: Another TARDIS.

ADRIC: What? Materialising round the police box just as we planned to do?

DOCTOR: Yes. Someone's been here before us. Stay here, Adric.

DOCTOR: Ah, good morning.

DETECTIVE: Good morning. This your vehicle?

DOCTOR: Which vehicle?

DETECTIVE: The sports car.

DOCTOR: No.

DETECTIVE: Ah.

DETECTIVE (OOV.): I just wondered how you came to be here. There is only the road, after all.

DOCTOR (OOV.): It isn't easy to explain.

DETECTIVE: Well, while you're trying to work that one out, perhaps you'd like to explain this?

DOCTOR: So he did escape from Traken.

DETECTIVE: I think you'd better come along with us.

DOCTOR: But he's still about, somewhere.

DETECTIVE: He, sir?

DOCTOR: Yes. The Master.
{"type": "series", "show": "Doctor Who", "episode": "18x25 - Logopolis - part 1"}