Erin: [phone rings, whispering] Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin... He's not available right now... Uh huh... Yes... Sure, I'll give him the message when he gets up-- gets back.

Jim: Michael had chicken potpie for lunch. Actually, let me rephrase that, Michael had an entire chicken pot pie for lunch, and- let me be more specific. Michael ate an entire family-sized chicken potpie for lunch and then he promptly fell asleep, so we're all trying to be very quiet so as to not wake him up before 5:00 pm. Which, actually, should be in about... ten minutes.

Jim: [whispering] Okay, I'm gonna go in there and change the computer. Are you sure you can change his watch?

Pam: [whispering] I can do it.

Dwight: [whispering] What do you need from me?

Dwight: Normally I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. [laughs heartily] No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who sh**t your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

Michael: [mumbles in his sleep as Pam and Jim change the clocks in his office]

Dwight: [changing the clock in Michael's car] Like clockwork.

Jim: [silently counting] Three, two, one... [Erin turns on the office lights, all laugh loudly]

Michael: [wakes up, joins in with the laughter] Uh oh. What's so funny?

Pam: You had to be there.

Michael: Oh yay! Geography joke. [still laughing, notices the time] Oh! Wow! Okay. Alright, let's all go home. Come on. See you all tamale.

Michael: See you later!

Dwight: Bye Michael! [all applaud and cheer, Dwight imitates g*n] Yeah!

Jim: [at company picnic] All right, you ready for this?

Pam: Yeah, we walk around, everyone sees our faces and we leave, right?

Jim: Yeah.

Pam: Okay.

Jim: Wait, should I have left the car running? [both laugh]

Pam: Oh, don't get us wrong, we like picnics.

Jim: Come on, who doesn't like a picnic?

Pam: Tell them what happened last year.

Jim: I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt.

Pam: No, no, that guy who h*t on me.

Jim: Oh, right, some drunk guy h*t on Pam last year. Said he was grabbing her for balance.

Pam: Yeah, you don't grab these [gestures to her chest] for balance.

Jim: Well...

Dwight: I'm gonna say 30.

Rolph: Ah, 40. Insect repellent, which we clearly need, reduces the effectiveness of SPF.

Dwight: Good point, but, thought of that already. Combination SPF/repellent.

Rolph: Woah. Homemade?

Dwight: Of course. You think the EPA would ever allow that much DEET? [both laugh]

Dwight: Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks.

Kevin: Michael, isn't that Holly?

Michael: We're just friends. [approaches Holly and AJ] Hey, hey, wait a second. Who let you in here, is what I want to know.

Holly: Oh no, I see they're letting just anybody in here.

Michael: Mmhmm. Yeah, that's right.

Holly: All right.

Michael: All right. Mmhmm. [both start laughing and hug] Hey.

Holly: Hi. You remember AJ, my boyfriend?

Michael: A little bit. Uh, I meet a lot of people.

AJ: Hey Michael.

Michael: Hey. [hugs AJ a little too forcefully] Arrggh. So would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you? Or both of you? Either or. The combinations are endless.

Holly: Lemonade sounds great.

Michael: Okay.

AJ: I'd love an iced tea, actually.

Michael: You can go to hell. [laughs] I'm kidding. Um, sure, I will get you the best iced tea in the world.

Michael: I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of b*llet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one[/b]: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The-and the reason is... because... in terms of the soup, we like to- that doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates.

Charles: Jim. Pam.

Jim: Hey, how are you?

Pam: Hey Charles.

Charles: Nice day, huh?

Jim: Yeah.

Charles: Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest. [walks away]

Jim: I don't get it. He's not even my boss anymore.

Pam: Do you want me to b*at him up for you?

Jim: No, I shouldn't have to ask you to do stuff like that. You should just do it.

Dwight: Listen up everyone! I've gone over this lineup very carefully. We cannot forget the humiliation we suffered last year at the softball game with Jim's whole spider-in-the-mitt incident. Right?

Jim: Well, I could've died, so... I looked it up online afterwards.

Dwight: Erin, back row. Ryan, you move up a row!

Andy: Bro-migo, you think you could put Erin on my row?

Dwight: Why? I don't understand.

Andy: If-

Dwight: Woah, woah, woah. W-w-wait a minute. I get it. You want her to set you up so you can spike it.

Andy: Uh... [laughs sheepishly]

Dwight: I'll tell you what, I'm gonna do you one better. I'm gonna put you next to Phyllis. She is the best setter on the team.

Andy: That's...

Dwight: Sly dog.

Andy: ... not what I meant.

Dwight: Come on, folks!

Michael: What is up with you two, Holly?

Holly: Um, not much.

AJ: We're designing a house.

Michael: Cool. For who?

AJ: For us.

Michael: Wow... I'm designing a chair. It's part of your pants. You sit down, you're supported.

Holly: I remember your chair pants idea. [laughs]

AJ: I like that. Put me down for a pair. I'm a size 34 waist.

Michael: All right, fatty. I will do it. You know what, we should actually rehearse.

Holly: Okay, yeah.

AJ: You guys are really gonna do this?

Michael: You bet your fat ass we are.

Michael: Well, in his infinite wisdom, David Wallace has authorized us to put on a little presentation about the history of Dunder Mifflin.

Holly: Yep, the old comedy team is back together again.

Michael: That's right.

Holly: [in a New York accent] Have ya hoyd the news? Extry! Extry! Read all about it!

Michael: Newspapers for sale!

Andy: [playing volleyball, yelling at Erin, who h*t the ball out of bounds] Are you blind?! Are you blind?! [turns attention to a man on the other team] Sir, with the glasses, are you literally blind? I'm concerned you might be in danger.

Man: These are expensive Ray-Bans, jackass.

Andy: Okay, I was just looking out for you. [to Erin] You're doing great, by the way.

Erin: Thanks.

Kevin: [playing volleyball] I got it. [Kevin misses]

Dwight: Ohh! Oh, Kevin! Come on!

Andy: Are you blind?!

Dwight: I could've gotten that, idiot!

Andy: Can you see things with your eyeballs?!

Dwight: It's not a sledgehammer! Come on, people! We need to get our heads in the game! Let's focus! Come on, you're better than this! I am better than this! Phyllis, why are you sitting on the ground?!

Phyllis: We've been out here for a while. I don't need this.

Dwight: [grunts in frustration]

Dwight: [playing volleyball, Ryan hits the ball away, not paying attention to the game] Oh come- Ryan, come on, man! W-w-wait. Net. Net. Her hand's on the net.

Woman: So what?

Dwight: Rule violation. Ball is ours. Give it to me. Our point. Okay. Hey, Pam, how ya doin? Hey, do you know if you're right-handed or left-handed? Or do you even know? What hand do you use to answer the phone?

Pam: Back off, Dwight. [serves] Hyuh! [the opposing team misses the ball, the Scranton team cheers] What?

Pam: Maybe I played a little in junior high... and in high school... maybe a little in college... and went to volleyball camp most summers.

Pam: [serves] Hyuh! [other team misses and Scranton cheers] Well, look at that, we win!

Jim: Nice job, Beesly.

Dwight: Yes! We advance to the next round!

Phyllis: Oh, Lord in heaven.

Stanley: [to Phyllis] Had to be part of the group. [laughs]

Michael: I brought some snacky snacks, in case we get hungry.

Holly: Ooh, yes please. [takes a bite] Mmm. So what do you have planned for us today? Hmm?

Michael: [watching her eat] What?

Holly: Do you have a script for the sketch, or...

Michael: Um, no, I just thought we'd wing it. That cool?

Holly: Crystal cool.

Dwight: [playing volleyball] h*t it Andy!

Andy: Bump! I bumped it!

Kevin: Set!

Dwight: Don't set it to yourself!

Kevin: [Pam saves the play and Scranton cheers] Yeah!

Phyllis: Ow, my ankle!

Dwight: What happened?

Phyllis: I... twisted it.

Dwight: You weren't even moving. [Phyllis leaves the court] Okay, sub!

Angela: I can play.

Rolph: Is there a... Meredith here?

Meredith: Yeah! Man in!

Angela: Rolph, did you not hear me?

Rolph: I don't hear cheaters, tramps, or women who break my friend's heart. Let's go!

Michael: We could do a movie... sort of thing.

Holly: [gasps] We could do Back to the Future.

Michael: Oh!

Holly: We have to convince Dunder and Mifflin to go back in time... fix their parents. [both laugh]

Michael: Could we get a Delorean?

Holly: Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorize the whole community.

Michael: Oh! [to the theme of "Jaws"] Dun-der. Dun-der...

Holly: Dun-der. Dun-der...

Michael: Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!! [both laugh]

Holly: Oh... We haven't found our great idea yet.

Michael: No. No.

Holly: Oh.

Michael: We're circling it.

Holly: Hmm...

David: [playing volleyball, Scranton wins another game] Nicely done. We're still going to crush you though!

Charles: Yes we are!

Rolph: You suckers are goin down! They're gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces!

Dwight: Okay, Rolph! Woah. Wait, wait- [shouts of disapproval]

Rolph: It's true!

Toby: Ah, this reminds me of the HR convention last fall.

Kendall: Oh yeah, with Bernie and Efrem. That was hilarious.

Toby: Really, really funny.

Kendall: Really funny.

Dwight: Listen guys, one more point and we play corporate. [they get the last point, Jim and Dwight hug]

Oscar: Settle down gentlemen.

Pam: Good game!

David: Welcome to the 43rd Annual Company Picnic, everybody. Thanks for being here. Now, a couple of employees have volunteered to entertain us with a song.

Michael: [shouts from behind the trees] Uh, it's a sketch now.

David: Okay, introducing Scranton's Michael Scott performing with Nashua's Holly Flax! I have not seen this. [applause]

Michael: And now, presenting...

Both: SlumDunder Mifflinaire! [laughter]

Michael: [imitates Who Wants To Be a Millionaire theme music as both sit in folding chairs]

Holly: Are you ready to play SlumDunder Mifflinaire?

Michael: Yes, I am.

Holly: For one hundred dollars, where did Dunder meet Mifflin? A.) On easy street, B.) a tour of Dartmouth College, C.) they never met, D.) brushing their teeth?

Michael: Ohh, I'm thinking... I'm going to say... B, tour of Dartmouth College.

Holly: That is correct! [both run to another side of the stage, acting out a different scene] How did you know that?! [pantomimes electrocuting Michael]

Michael: [screams] Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!!

Holly: [now pretending to be Dunder and Mifflin] Nice campus. Think you'll get in?

Michael: Yeah, I'm definitely getting in. I'm a shoo-in.

Holly: I'm Robert Dunder.

Michael: I'm Robert Mifflin. [pause to see audience's response] Ah, okay. [both run back to chairs]

Holly: Robert Mifflin had a great life. But unfortunately, had undiagnosed depression, which over nine million Americans suffer from and is very treatable. For two hundred and fifty dollars, how did he k*ll himself? A.) A rope, B.) a Kn*fe, C.) a g*n, D.) brushing his teeth!

Michael: Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than I've ever seen in my life. I will say, C, a g*n. He sh*t himself in the head.

Holly: That is correct!

Michael: Yes!

Stanley: I usually don't enjoy the theater, but this is delightful.

Holly: The economic downturn has been difficult recently, forcing the closures of both Camden and Yonkers, to be followed soon by what other branch? For five-hundred thousand dollars, is it A.) Scranton, B.) Buffalo, C.) Utica, or D.) toothbrush!

Michael: I will say B, Buffalo! Final answer!

Holly: That is correct!

Man from Buffalo: [over crowd of murmurs] What is he talking about?

Holly: [pantomimes biting off Michael's fingers, Michael screams] How did you know that?!

Michael: David Wallace told me!!

Woman from Buffalo: David, is this true?

David: Uh, okay everyone, we're at a picnic today...

Man from Buffalo: Are we losing our jobs or not, David?

Holly: They didn't know?

Michael: [whispers] I guess not.

David: I'm sorry, this certainly wasn't the time or the place to announce this sort of thing, but there have been talks about closing the Buffalo branch.

Woman from Buffalo: And?

David: We're- we're closing the Buffalo branch.

Man from Buffalo: [over shouts of protest] You've got to be kidding me! You've got to be kidding me! We're the best branch in the company! I can't believe it. [Michael and Holly bow]

David: How could you possibly think that the right way to announce a branch closing was in a comedy sketch at the company picnic?

Michael: Well... I didn't know they didn't know.

David: What about the fact that they're here today? What about that? That didn't throw up any alarms? No, Michael needed a little bit for his comedy sketch, and he thought, "oh, this would be really funny."

Michael: Thank you.

David: Damn it, Michael, I told you that in confidence. Now I have to go over and deal with these employees and their families. A little boy just walked up to me and said, "is my daddy gonna have a job by Christmas?"

Michael: Well, he's just thinking about his own gifts.

Meredith: Maybe we shouldn't play due to the circumstances.

Dwight: Hey, people need volleyball now more than ever.

Pam: How do you figure?

Dwight: Because if we don't play, then the other team wins.

Oscar: Dwight's right. Corporate deserves to get its ass kicked.

Pam: Let's do this.

Andy: [playing volleyball] Jim, come on! [Jim scores a point, Scranton cheers]

Charles: Look who just woke up! [laughs, scores a point on the next play] I've been up for a while.

Kevin: It's six to six. It's a nail-biter. [ball hits Kevin]

Angela: Kevin! Now it's seven-six, or is that too much accounting for you?

Rolph: Here's an accounting question for you[/b]: what does one fiance plus one lover equal? Answer[/b]: one whore.

Dwight: Okay, knock it off, Rolph.

Rolph: What? She is sitting there, casting aspersions-

Dwight: Rolph, please. I am asking nicely-

Rolph: No way! You don't mean that!

Dwight: Rolph, leave it alone!

Erin: [hits the ball over the net and scores a point] Yeah! Boo-yah!

Pam: [running for the ball] I got it!

Dwight: Pam!

Pam: [falls] Oof!

Jim: You all right?

Pam: Yep. No, no, no, I'm fine.

Jim: You sure?

Pam: Yeah.

Jim: Hey, easy, easy...

Charles: Woah, woah, woah, woah, you wanna get that looked at.

Pam: No, no, it's fine. Just gimme a second.

Charles: I don't know. You know, this is a company picnic, so technically that is a company injury, you know? Safest thing to do is get that examined, right David?

David: Yeah.

Jim: All right, you know what? You're just trying to get rid of our best player.

Charles: Oh, Jim, you're putting a volleyball game in front of your fiance's health.

Jim: No, uh-

Pam: Look, seriously, I can move it fine. Come on, let's go, it's our ball. Let's go!

Charles: Yeah, I don't think we can let you play with that foot.

Dwight: [whispering] Tell you what. I spotted a small hospital a few kilometers south of here. Get her back as soon as possible. I'll stall 'em.

Charles: I guess that's it for you, Jim.

Jim: All right, you know what? [picks Pam up and carries her off the court] Let's do this.

Pam: We'll be back!

Dwight: Oh man, I am so mad that Pam got hurt! Argh!! Rrrraah!!! [kicks volleyball into the woods, calmly] I'll get it. [walks slowly toward the woods]

Michael: Probably shouldn't have mentioned Buffalo.

Holly: Hindsight.

Michael: Should've had hindsight.

Holly: How do you think it went before the Buffalo thing?

Michael: I think it went well. I think it was good.

Holly: There weren't any laughs.

Michael: No, it was a tough audience.

Holly: Yeah, but we wrote it specifically for this audience.

Michael: Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time, and that was one of them.

Holly: Well, I'm glad we did it.

Michael: Me too. [long pause] We have a lot of good material for next year's sketch.

Holly: I can't wait.

Jim: [on the phone] Yeah, she's with the nurse right now, so you'll have to stall a little longer... No, don't send in the subs yet... Dwight, I don't know. Think of something!

Nurse: To be safe, we should do an x-ray.

Pam: How long will that take?

Nurse: Oh, shouldn't be too bad, it's a slow day. So, no other radiation this year, no metal plates, no chance you're pregnant...

Pam: I'm sorry, can we just hurry this up? I've got a game to get back to.

Nurse: Oh good, because my next question was "do you have a game to get back to."

Holly: What'd you think?

AJ: I loved it. You know, there was a part near the end that seemed like that went on a little long, but...

Michael: Well you guys should h*t the road before... I close down another branch.

Holly: [laughs] Okay. So good to see you.

Michael: Good to see you. [they hug] AJ.

AJ: Michael. [they shake hands]

Michael: I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and... Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.

David: Dwight, come on now, it's time to put in the subs.

Charles: Yeah, it looks like Pam won't make it back. Okay?

Dwight: Okay. Fine.

Charles: All right! Come on.

Dwight: Except, you know what? It's not fine. How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four?

Andy: Dwight.

Dwight: No, no, hear me out. Five? Six?

David: Dwight.

Dwight: Seven? Can I finish please?

David: Okay.

Dwight: Eight?

Jim: [on the phone] Oh, Dwight, we're so close! Just buy us a few more minutes... Well, they just called me in for an update, so I'll call you right back... Okay... Okay, great. [goes into a private room where Pam and the doctor are, the voices are inaudible, but the camera can see through a window, Pam and Jim look in shock, they hug and Jim goes back out into the hall to call Dwight back, trembling] Hey, Dwight, uh... send in the subs! [laughs] Ohh! [goes back into the room to hug Pam]
{"type": "series", "show": "The Office", "episode": "05x28 - Company Picnic"}