KINDA

BY: CHRISTOPHER BAILEY

Part One

Original Air Date: 1 February 1982
Running time: 24:50

SANDERS: Boo!

HINDLE: Argh!

SANDERS: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What's the matter, boy? Bad dreams, eh? Look, just a joke, that's all.

TEGAN: Hello. Who's winning?

ADRIC: I am.

ADRIC: Thank you.

ADRIC: She's hopeless in her present state of mind.

NYSSA: Don't exaggerate. I only fainted.

ADRIC: Twice.

TEGAN: Where's the Doctor?

ADRIC: In the TARDIS, rigging up a delta wave augmenter for Nyssa.

NYSSA: I'm all right, really.

ADRIC: You see?

NYSSA: I can't seem to concentrate, that's all.

TEGAN: Doctor!

DOCTOR: Hmm. Nearly there.

TEGAN: What's wrong with her?

DOCTOR: Oh, just mild mental disorientation. Nothing that forty eight hours of induced deep sleep won't cure.

TEGAN: Is that the delta wave augmenter?

DOCTOR: Yes, of course. There's no need to shout. Come along, Nyssa.

ADRIC: That's the sonic screwdriver.

DOCTOR: Well done, Adric. It's functioning as a delta waveform generator.

ADRIC: What if we need it?

DOCTOR: Why should we need it?

TEGAN: I suppose we're stuck here now while she sleeps.

ADRIC: It's beautiful.

SANDERS: No sign of Roberts.

HINDLE: No, sir. Sir, as designated SR security, I would like to protest at your failure in present dangerous circumstances to institute an official around-the-clock alert. Furthermore

SANDERS: Wait a minute.

SANDERS: What dangerous circumstances?

HINDLE: Sir, in my opinion

SANDERS: Your what?

HINDLE: Sir.

SANDERS: Tell him.

TODD: Tell him what?

SANDERS: In your opinion, are we in any danger from the primitives?

TODD: I've already told you.

SANDERS: Tell him again!

TODD: The Kinda pose no thr*at whatsoever to the security of this expedition. They are culturally non-hostile.

SANDERS: There you are.

TODD: Of course, from their point of view, we might pose a thr*at to them.

SANDERS: How do you mean? What point of view could they have? They're savages.

TODD: There is the matter of the hostages we've taken.

SANDERS: Standard procedure.

TODD: Our procedure, not their. Please give me that.

SANDERS: What?

TODD: The Kinda artefact. Thank you.

HINDLE: Nevertheless, I should like my protest to be entered officially in the log.

SANDERS: Oh, you would, would you, boy?

HINDLE: Yes, sir.

SANDERS: You're improperly dressed, Mister Hindle. What's more, you have not brushed your hair. Kindly retire and attend to it. Dismiss!

DOCTOR: There you are, Tegan. There's always something to look at if you open your eyes.

TEGAN: What is it?

DOCTOR: Good question. Any ideas?

DOCTOR: Go on, I'm sure it's safe.

DOCTOR: Wait a minute. That one again. Now that one. A perfect fifth. A chromatic structure in eccentric sequence. Eccentric, that is, to our ears, not to the ears of whoever built it.

DOCTOR: Adric!

ADRIC: What?

DOCTOR: Adric, don't wander off. Not on a new planet. So, Tegan, the question is, who built it and what is it for?

TODD: You push him too hard.

SANDERS: Nonsense.

TODD: He'll crack.

SANDERS: Think so?

TODD: If you want my opinion

SANDERS: No, thank you. Too many opinions as it is. Meet a few difficulties and suddenly everybody's got an opinion. That's how things fall apart. He's a washout.

TODD: Is that your opinion?

SANDERS: Yes, it is. The difference is, I'm in charge.

SANDERS: I'll tell you something. I welcome these difficulties. It was all too easy around here. I was starting to feel at home. First time ever, anywhere, in forty years. And that, when you're a couple of dozen parsecs off home world, can be a dangerous feeling to have. I think so, don't you?

TODD: Which still leaves us with the question, where is Roberts?

SANDERS: It does.

TODD: And the others.

SANDERS: I know, yes.

TODD: There are now only three of us left.

SANDERS: I can count!

TODD: Well?

DOCTOR: Of course, to build this, to achieve the delicate resonances involved, would require a high level of technical skill. And yet, look around you. No signs of civilisation, no cultivation, no roadways, even. And yet whoever built this must have a musical sense not unlike, not entirely unlike, our own. Are you sure you're all right?

TEGAN: What? Yes, yes, I'm fine. Just a bit sleepy, that's all.

DOCTOR: Must be the fresh air. It's very puzzling, don't you think?

ADRIC (OOV.): Doctor?

DOCTOR: Now where's he got to?

DOCTOR: No, Adric!

ADRIC: What the? What is it?

DOCTOR: Whatever it is, it could be distinctly unfriendly. Look at it.

ADRIC: Direct beam.

DOCTOR: Hmm. It's obviously an armoured suit of some kind. I would say its occupant was probably human in shape

DOCTOR: Binocular, bipedal, and the whole thing is controlled directly from the brain of the wearer with these.

ADRIC: But where is he?

DOCTOR: Or she, or

DOCTOR: No, Adric!

DOCTOR: Stand still. Don't move. Not a muscle.

ADRIC: I'm sorry. I suppose it must have some sort of autocontrol function. So it can work with no one in it.

DOCTOR: Adric.

ADRIC: Yes?

DOCTOR: There is a difference between serious scientific investigation and meddling.

ADRIC: Yes.

DOCTOR: Isn't there?

ADRIC: Yes!

DOCTOR: That's better.

DOCTOR: No. Besides, it looks as if we've arrived.

DOCTOR: Look, I was right. Two arms, binocular, bipedal. Human, or humanoid at the very least. I'm delighted to meet you.

HINDLE: Stay where you are.

DOCTOR: Intentions unknown. Hypothesis unfriendly, as K9 would say.

HINDLE: Where's Roberts?

DOCTOR: Roberts? Was Roberts

HINDLE: Answer the question!

DOCTOR: I'd be very pleased to. It's a little difficult to concentrate

DOCTOR: Thank you.

SANDERS: Well?

DOCTOR: Well, I'm afraid we can't help you. The, er, thing was empty when we came across it.

SANDERS: What are you doing on S14?

DOCTOR: S14?

TODD: Deva Loka. Land of the Kinda.

DOCTOR: The Kinda are the native lifeform.

TODD: Yes.

DOCTOR: Who built the chimes.

TODD: Yes.

SANDERS: Well?

DOCTOR: Could you repeat the question?

SANDERS: What are you doing on S14?

DOCTOR: Just passing through. Look, I don't suppose there's a chance of some breakfast? Are you hungry, Adric? Adric? He usually is. Boys, you know. If you could oblige? Look, if we turn out to be hostile, then fair enough. Until we do, why not give us the benefit of the doubt? It's commonsense really, don't you think?

SANDERS: Follow me.

SANDERS: You know something? This is my fourteenth ex and rec, and I've never seen a planet like this one. Look at it. Paradise, isn't it? The sun shines, the birds sing, food grows on trees. Even the ILF is friendly. Or used to be.

DOCTOR: The ILF?

TODD: Intelligent Life Form.

SANDERS: The primitives.

DOCTOR: The Kinda.

TODD: Yes.

SANDERS: Oh, you're not eating.

DOCTOR: Ah, no, no. I don't seem to be very, er. These difficulties you referred to?

SANDERS: Well, go on, tell him. Why not?

TODD: Originally there were six of us.

DOCTOR: Roberts?

TODD: And two more before him. They disappeared. Simply haven't returned to the dome.

DOCTOR: What, do you think the Kinda took them?

TODD: Impossible.

DOCTOR: Are the Kinda dangerous?

SANDERS: We don't know. You see, with the Kinda, they seem innocent enough, and they smile a lot, or they used to.

DOCTOR: Used to?

SANDERS: Until we took the hostages.

DOCTOR: The hostages?

SANDERS: Only a couple. Standard procedure. It's in the manual.

DOCTOR: Could I see them?

SANDERS: Why would you want to do that?

DOCTOR: I've a friend still in the forest. I'm quite concerned for her safety. I'd like to know how much of a thr*at the Kinda are.

HINDLE: Sir, I must protest!

SANDERS: Yes, of course. Why not. Todd'll show you. They're not very interesting though.

TEGAN: Hello.

ANATTA: You, my dear, cannot possibly exist, so go away.

TODD: Sanders doesn't think they're ill. He thinks they're sulking.

DOCTOR: Hmm. Complete lack of neuromuscular reaction. They're not sulking. Shock, wouldn't you think, in the circumstances? Your arrival here must have come as something of a surprise, and then to lock them up.

TODD: I argued against it. It's totally illogical.

DOCTOR: Oh, illogical. Please let me out of here. Have you any idea of the affect upon a primitive mind

TODD: Primitive? Is that what you think? I'm not so sure. Does that design remind you of anything?

DOCTOR: Well, it could be the double helix.

TODD: It is. The heart of the chromosome. They all wear them.

DOCTOR: Thank you. What could they know of molecular biology?

TEGAN: Look, hello.

ANATTA: Did you see?

ANICCA: Why, did you?

ANATTA: I asked first.

ANICCA: So you did see.

ANATTA: It proves nothing. Because an illusion is shared doesn't mean

ANICCA: Of course not.

ANATTA: Besides, how do I know that what you think you see

ANICCA: Is what you think you see?

ANATTA: Or vice

ANICCA: Versa.

ANATTA: Exactly.

ANICCA: I can only conclude it is you who have invented her as a means of putting me off my game.

TODD: There are no predatory animals on Deva Loka. No diseases, no adverse environmental factors. The climate is constant within a five degree range and the trees fruit in sequence all the year round.

DOCTOR: Which means the Kinda have no need of shelter and no fears for food supply.

TODD: Right. And there's something else.

DOCTOR: What?

TODD: I think the Kinda are telepathic.

TEGAN: I suppose you're also going to tell me I don't exist. Well?

DUKKHA: Don't be silly. Of course you exist. How could you be here if you didn't exist?

TEGAN: But where am I?

DUKKHA: Guess.

TEGAN: What?

DUKKHA: Go on.

TEGAN: It looks to me like the middle of nowhere.

TODD: They can't speak. They have no language and yet they can communicate. Take no notice of me, Doctor. It's only a guess, and guesses are not science. Have an apple.

DOCTOR: I thought the native produce was forbidden.

TODD: I'm a scientist. I do not feel bound by Hindle's stupid precautions. Beautiful, isn't it?

DOCTOR: Yes.

TODD: You heard Sanders.

DOCTOR: What?

TODD: Paradise, he called it. Perhaps he said more than he knew.

TEGAN: What's so funny?

DUKKHA: I'll tell you.

TEGAN: Why do you wear that thing?

DUKKHA: Why shouldn't I?

TEGAN: The old couple playing chess wore the same design.

DUKKHA: They would.

TEGAN: Why?

DUKKHA: Because we're the same.

TEGAN: As what?

DUKKHA: Each other.

DOCTOR: There's a Kinda out there now.

TODD: Yes. Strange, he's often there. The others keep well away.

DOCTOR: He doesn't look as if he's living in paradise.

TODD: No, he doesn't, does he.

DOCTOR: What are your plans for this planet?

TODD: If I told you that, Hindle would have a fit.

DOCTOR: Oh, well, of course, if Hindle would have a fit.

TODD: The mother ship returns in six seasons. If we've survived, we will submit a report which will be assessed with a view to colonisation.

TODD: Our mother world is very overcrowded.

HINDLE: What have you two been talking about?

TODD: I beg your pardon!

HINDLE: I want to know.

TODD: What gives you the right? This is my laboratory!

HINDLE: I am designated SR security.

TODD: What do you want?

HINDLE: Sanders wants to see you. Both. What's that? Give it to me. The manual strictly forbids

TODD: Does it really?

DOCTOR: An apple a day keeps the er. No, never mind.

SANDERS: Have you got a better idea?

TODD: I was just pointing out that if you

SANDERS: Well, don't. I'm not Roberts. Oh yes, incidentally, while I'm away, Mister Hindle will be in charge.

DOCTOR: I don't think that's

SANDERS: Yes? What?

DOCTOR: Nothing.

SANDERS: Good. Oh, I know the nonsense she's been filling your head with. Well, answer me this. If the Kinda are so clever, how is it they didn't build their own interplanetary vehicle and come and colonise us?

TODD: I don't quite see what that

SANDERS: The point is, they're just a bunch of ignorant savages.

ADRIC: Mister Sanders, are you going in that machine?

SANDERS: The Total Survival Suit? Yes, of course. Why?

ADRIC: Well, I was just thinking that if that machine has malfunctioned in some way then that might explain what happened to Roberts.

SANDERS: Good thinking, boy. Well done. Yes, that's what this situation needs. Good, down the line, practical thought, that's all. Yes, yes, I think you've h*t it right on the nail.

TEGAN: Am I dreaming you, is that it?

DUKKHA: Are you?

TEGAN: Or imagining you?

DUKKHA: Possibly.

TEGAN: Then I can abolish you, can't I.

DUKKHA: Puzzling, isn't it? And by the way, one thing. You will agree to believe in me sooner or later. This side of madness or the other.

HINDLE: Very good.

DUKKHA: Have you changed your mind yet?

TEGAN: No. I have not.

DUKKHA: Oh good, because there's someone I'd like you to meet. Or do you two already know each other? I hope you two are going to be friends. Do you think you will?

TEGAN: More tricks?

DUKKHA: Well, yes, I suppose so.

TEGAN: It's a bit obvious, isn't it?

DUKKHA: Oh yes, of course. A child could see through it. And that's why I like it. Obviously one of you is real and the other an illusion created by me. That's obvious, isn't it.

TEGAN 2: Yes, it is.

DUKKHA: Is it? Well, in that case, all that remains is for you two ladies to work out which one of you is which. Obviously.

SANDERS: Mister Hindle! Mister Hindle!

TODD: What's your plan?

SANDERS: Plan? I don't have any. Where is Mister Hindle?

DOCTOR: Can I come with you?

SANDERS: Certainly not. You'll stay here.

DOCTOR: I'm quite concerned about my friend Tegan.

SANDERS: I'll keep an eye out for her.

DOCTOR: That may not be enough.

TODD: I really think you should think twice about leaving Hindle in command.

SANDERS: I never think twice about anything. Wastes too much time.

DOCTOR: He's not altogether s*ab. In fact I think he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

SANDERS: Well then, being in charge should do him some good, what? Might even make a man of him. Hindle!

SANDERS: Oh, there you are, boy. You're in charge now, boy. Carry on. (to Adric) Out you go. I'm closing the airlock. I'll be back in a couple of days at the outside.

HINDLE: As you wish, sir. A full account will, of course, be entered in the log.

HINDLE: Doctor, you don't fool me, I'm afraid.

TODD: Don't be ridiculous!

HINDLE: You too. You're no longer considered to be reliable.

TODD: Really, am I not.

HINDLE: No.

TODD: Then you're going to have to sh**t me, aren't you, because I've absolutely no intention

TODD: No. It's impossible.

HINDLE: You're all under arrest.

TODD: You have neither the power nor the right to arrest us.

HINDLE: You forget, I'm now in command! I have the power of life and death over all of you!
{"type": "series", "show": "Doctor Who", "episode": "19x09 - Kinda - part 1"}