Season 8 - Episode 01

"The List"

[ 08x01 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Andy: I gotta say, I think it's kinda cool not knowing. It's like one of those movies that ends on a note of mystery. Did the butler do it? Are they ghosts? You know? It's kinda sophisticated.

Kelly: Everybody hates those endings!

Pam: [weepy] Yeah, I hate those endings.

Oscar: I- [Sees Kevin looking at the list upside down and turns it.]

Kevin: I was looking for patterns.

Oscar: I know.

Ryan: It's all a mind game. He wanted us to see the list. He's a genius. You guys just don't get him.

Creed: I made a list like this for Congress when I worked in Hollywood in the 50's, they're meaningless.

Toby: Guys. Really, it's ok. Everyone has made a really solid first impression, I don't think there's any reason for anybody to worry.

Toby: I am on the wrong side, and I am freaking out here.

[ 08x01 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Dwight: [grunting, trying with Jim to lift Kevin planking on his desk] Man, it's like hoisting a manatee. I can't get a grip it's so vast.

Jim: Ryan? A little help?

Dwight: God. How do whalers do it?

Ryan: Here's the way trends move across the country. They start in Japan. L.A. And New York get it soon after that. Seattle looks at it, decides not to do it. Chicago gets it three months later. Then it travels down the Mississippi, OK? All the red states start doing it. Good Morning America does a piece about it. And then, it shows up in Scranton.

Andy: Creed! Wha- [Shoves Creed with his foot, Creed grunts] This is a safety issue with you. There's no way to know if you're d*ad!

Gabe: Good morning. [suitcase falls and he laughs awkwardly]

Gabe: Corporate wants me up here, Dunder Mifflin wants me down there. What they worked out is that Monday, Wednesday and Friday I'm here in Scranton, Tuesday Thursday I'm in Tallahassee, I mean I feel like Vera Farmiga in Up in the Air, you know? More money more problems. Although, I didn't get a raise, so you know. Same money, more problems.

Ryan: It's called owling. You'll read about it in like eight months.

[ 08x01 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Jim: Uh, I will have the chicken piccata with a side salad.

Robert: That sounds good.

Kevin: Chicken piccata, side salad.

Darryl: Chicken piccata, salad on the side please.

Oscar: I'll start with a side salad and uh, oh, chicken piccata.

Toby: Chicken piccata, side salad.

Angela: Side salad, chicken piccata on the side.

Phyllis: I'll start with a side salad, then a chicken piccata.

Dwight: Steak. Rare.

Robert: Jim, you alright? What are you doing?

Jim: Good. What? Nothin'

Pam: Oh! Text from Jim. "This is..." hmm.

Ryan: Profound man, your husband.

Dwight: One more. To our boss!

All: Hey!

Jim: I don't think we have to do this again cause it's gonna take a whole. [everyone clinks glasses]

Dwight: You know what? Let us treat you. What do you say? It has been such a pleasure.

Robert: I can expense it.

Darryl & Oscar: Let him expense it, Dwight.

Dwight: I insist. It is gonna be our treat, please?

Robert: Thank you.

Waiter: Hi, Mr. Shrute. I've waited on you before. I just wanted to let you know that gratuity is not included in the bill and tips are expected.

Dwight: Oh, tips are expected?

Waiter: Yes sir.

Dwight: Then expect to be shocked. Jim, you owe me $14.75. Oscar, $14.75. Darryl....

Gabe: My entire childhood, I was the one left out, and I said to myself: Gabe, if you just achieve some success, you'll be part of them. You'll be part of the happy ones. But instead, people just used my success as a new way to shut me out.

Meredith: Hey, this ain't no Breakfast Club, bitch.

Dwight: Whoo! Yeah! Yeah!

Jim: Come on, man.

Dwight: Winners!

Season 8 - Episode 02

"The Incentive"

[ 08x02 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Andy: When you're a kid, you picture a pilot kinda like this [imitates plane noises while steering wildly] But then you learn that's crashing the plane. The right way to do it is more like this. [calmly pulls imaginary steering back and forth] Or better yet, like this. [takes hands off imaginary wheel] Now that I'm manager, I think about that a lot. I let Dwight run the meetings, I let good people do good work and I stay out of the way.

Andy: Which combo do you think Robert's gonna like better?

Phyllis: Just wear one of your bowties.

Kelly: No! I mean, let him, he should just explore other options...

Kelly: Bowties, no offense, are a black thing. They're for rappers and NBA players. I cringe when I see Tucker Carlson trying to pull off a bowtie. It's like yeah Tucker, you're so street.

Andy: This is combo number seven.

All: Hmm, no.

Pam: I don't like that clip.

Andy: You're right, you're right, you're right. Uh! It's so hard to find an occasion for this clip.

Jim: I'd hang on to it though, cause I can think of a bunch. Like a 70's theme party, or a 70's theme meeting, or a 70's theme convention...

Andy: Sure.

Jim: 1870's...

Andy: Thanks T-Dog.

Ryan: T-Dog?

Toby: I thought I was T-Dog.

Jim: Nope, he means tuna dog.

Andy: Tuna dog!

[ 08x02 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Andy: I thought the plane was flying pretty well on auto-pilot. And then Robert California ran into the cockpit with a g*n and he was like "Fly this plane to Cuba, and on the way b*mb Texas" Well I don't know how to get there. Or even how to fly, even. And I don't have any b*mb.

Erin: Hey. Maybe it'd help to just talk it over. Over a cup of cool old tea.

Andy: [sighs] Yeah.

Erin: What if you were to just start with your ideas about how to double profits. Just say them all and maybe one of them will rise to the top.

Andy: I don't have any ideas though.

Erin: Well I have an idea.

Andy: You do?

Erin: What if Dunder Mifflin were to take on 15-20 foster kids? You'd get huge checks from the government and honestly they would be ecstatic to live in the warehouse. It would be like Hogwart's.

Andy: Yeah....I don't think that's legal. It's a nice thought though. [Erin hands Andy a gift] What is this?

Erin: I just wanted to say congratulations on your new job, officially.

Andy: You didn't have to do that. [opens box to reveal red mouse cat toy attached to key chain]

Erin: I saw it at the checkout counter, it made me think of you. I don't know why. I made it into a key chain.

Andy: You're the only person who's congratulated me.

Season 8 - Episode 03

"Lotto"

[ 08x03 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Toby: If I won the lottery, I don't know. I don't think I'd make any changes to my life. Quit my job, move, meet someone....

Ryan: I'd give 35% to AIDS related charities. 25%. If they can't cure AIDS with 25%, the extra ten's not gonna make a difference. At some point, you're just throwing good money after bad.

Phyllis: The first thing I'd buy is new boobs. For my mom. She has the worst boobs. It- It's embarrassing.

[ 08x03 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Jim: Ok, ok. We are so close. All we have to do is figure out that corner and we're basically there.

Dwight: I know. Kevin, we've been friends for a long time, right?

Kevin: Egons.

Dwight: So if I was to ask you to sacrifice your body and lay down on a greasy corner and act as a human bumper shield-

Jim: Ok, Dwight! Come on. Here, I think I have an idea.

Dwight: I wouldn't be asking you lightly, now would I?

Kevin: No.

Dwight: Right. Now do you wanna wear a trash bag, er...

Jim: Dammit Dwight!

Kevin: However it's normally done.

[ 08x03 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Jim: Ok, I have a question. Why is the truck so far away?

Kevin: Yeah Jim, why's it so far?

Erin: Why's it so far away?

Jim: Ok, I just asked that ques-, I don't know. I mean it seems like the door is huge, right? So you should be able to back the truck up to the paper.

Dwight: Yeah, why is it so far away Jim?

Jim: So this warehouse has been around for what? Like a thousand years? And they never thought to back the truck up into it? I guess sometimes it just takes a fresh set of eyes. Alright! [knocks on side of truck]

Kevin: Back...

Erin: Yeah.

Kevin: That looks good. Back. Whoa whoa whoa!

Jim: Whoa whoa whoa!

Erin: You're doing great! A little farther away from the wall!

Kevin: No no no!

Erin: Good...

Jim: No! Stop! Stop stop stop stop! You're way over! Ok, you gotta cut it! Cut it hard! (bleep!) Stop stop stop stop! Stop, stop! Dammit Dwight. Great.

Dwight: Come on!

Jim: Good.

Season 8 - Episode 04

"Garden Party"

[ 08x04 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Oscar: I cannot believe how condescending Andy's being.

Darryl: He gets condescending when he's nervous. Or when he's excited or sleepy. Not an easy person to be friends with.

Meredith: Well I just hate being treated like some bum with no class. I'm a lady. I'm a mother. I'm a former boxer!

Andy: Hey guys, getting psyched for the party? Ryan? Can I count on you to wear an understated satirical outfit?

Ryan: Can't wait. A folk colonialist gathering when unemployment's at 9%. I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Andy: Awesome.

Dwight: Erin....the receptionist!

Andy: Oh, oh, oh, Kevin. I am reminded of a lame but useful saying I learned as a kid. What is the difference between Hors d'oeuvres and the animals on Noah's ark?

Kevin: What?

Andy: With Hors d'oeuvres we only take one at a time.

Kevin: Oh, OK. What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a blonde?

Jim: Chapter seven: The host should always present something spectacular to draw the eye of his guests.

Dwight: When all this is over, I'd like to actually go to one of Trickington's parties, they sound like a blast.

Dwight: Ladies and Gentlemen! I present to you...the Alamo! [reveals lump of ice]

Angela: Little Cici asleep?

Pam: Yeah, she just went down.

Angela: Such a precious little angel.

Pam: Aww.

Angela: Cecilia....and Phillip.

Pam: Yes, after my grandfather.

Angela: Phillip is wasted on you. Jim is never gonna take the time to call him Phillip! He doesn't even take the time to get a haircut. And Phil! Ugh! It's just something you do to a hole!

Pam: Well I'm having my baby first, so that's that.

Angela: You know what? It could go either way. My doctor said my hips are so dainty that I'll most definitely have a C-section, so I could go early.

Pam: You think your doctor's going to give you a C-section at six months?

Angela: Yeah! If I request it he will. And that is that.

Andy: My parents are used to a certain type of class. The people that I work with are a different type of class. One is not better than the other, it's just that maybe one's a little higher than the other?

Season 8 - Episode 05

"Spooked"

[ 08x05 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Angela: Oh, no.

Jim: Pink is the red-

Robert: What are we talking about?

Jim: I was talking about my wife, and how she believes in ghosts. And then we had a little debate. Meredith said she believes in them too.

Robert: Have you seen a ghost?

Meredith: Seen and banged.

Oscar: Hmph.

Meredith: Ok, I met him in a bar, right? There's something weird about him. He doesn't smell right, the clothes are all tattered and dirty and from another age. Anyways, we end up back and my place and we go at it all night-

Oscar: Meredith, don't.

Robert: No, no. I'm very comfortable with all things sexual. Continue.

Meredith: I wake up the next morning, all my stuff's gone. Whole house turned over. No trace. You tell me what happened.

Robert: Have you considered the possibility that you slept with a drifter?

Meredith: He didn't smell like a drifter.

[ 08x05 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Bert: What are you anyway?

Dwight: I'm a Jamaican zombie woman. Leave me alone, ghoul.

Bert: I'm a zombie from Walking d*ad. It's a show.

Dwight: Uh, I know what it is. Ok? I have like a thousand people over every week to watch it. Ok? We all kinda hate it though.

Bert: Who's your favorite character?

Dwight: The city of Atlanta.

[ 08x05 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Stanley: If ghosts are real, how come everyone knows what they look like? It's not like a bunch of people got together and agreed on a lie.

Pam: Thank you.

Oscar: Interesting. Every culture holds this true. Clearly, there's some sort of real phenomenon out there...

Jim: Oscar, how are you on that side?

Pam: This isn't about sides. This is about me seeing a blueish gray old man in the mirror and then he vanishes.

Creed: Pam, this is important. Was he me? Am I him?

Pam: No, Creed.

Jim: But that would make more sense. [Pam sighs]

Season 8 - Episode 06

"Doomsday"

[ 08x06 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Andy: Let's not make any mistakes today. Or at least no more than four.

Stanley: This doomsday device sounds like a scare tactic to me. Y2K all over again.

Stanley: Oh, I was all about the Y2K bug. Paid some guy to update my PC, threw out my microwave, canceled my plane ticket, sold all my stocks, spent New Year's Eve with a gas mask on my face. I was even wearing a diaper! Someone said Y2K would get the toilets.

Pam: This could be real. Dwight's pretty handy with computers. He fixed my laptop once.

Jim: Ok, he didn't fix it. The brightness level was all the way down.

Pam: You couldn't fix it.

Jim: I wasn't here that day.

Pam: Yes you were.

Jim: No- Ok. Well, we'll talk about it later. Straussburg! I had a meeting in Straussburg and I dropped you off beforehand. I was wearing a tan shirt with stripes?

Pam: I don't think so, babe.

Jim: Ok, this is crazy.

[ 08x06 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Jim: I have never played squash. But I have seen it in countless 80's movies and it seems like the most common mistake is that you serve too hard and h*t yourself right in the squash balls. So, as long as I don't do that, I think I'll be alright.

Robert: Eleven love. I win again.

Jim: [grunts] Good game. You are a worthy opponent. You wanna play one more?

Robert: I don't think so.

Jim: No? Come on.

Robert: Why? Not only are you terrible at squash, but you don't even seem to enjoy it. Jim, this is not enough of a challenge for me.

Jim: Well, that is... because you didn't realize that... I was left-handed.

[ 08x06 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Darryl: What are you doing here, Gabe?

Gabe: Well Darryl, considering that I basically own the place, I'm just chillin' at mi casa. This is me, in repose..I suppose.

Gabe: You know, there's this expression: Bro's before Ho's. And what that's short for is brothers before whores. Uh, I don't buy that. I would throw any brother under the bus for any whore. Woman.

[ 08x06 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Andy: Robert, do you wanna smoke pipes during our meeting?

Robert: Let's wait, until we have something to smoke about.

Andy: Yes. Of course. [whispers] Erin..[throws pipes at Erin]

Dwight: Hey, Andy.

Andy: Yeah?

Dwight: Maybe I could sit in on this one with you? You know, that way I can cover you in case you need to urinate or you just want another opinion, or defecate...

Andy: I don't think so.

Dwight: Well I just thought with my new increased responsibilities and all...

Andy: Yeah. I'm still figuring out the two man bobsled here, so let's hold off on the D-man for now.

Season 8 - Episode 08

"Gettysburg"

[ 08x08 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Robert: Haha! There he is. You mind lending a hand? I'm typing up a memo to share your ideas with the board.

Kevin: I can do that.

Robert: Great....ok.

Kevin: Your arm feels good on my back.

Kevin: For some reason, my boss is obsessed with cookies. It's not my specialty. My specialty is pizza. But I'm flexible.

[ 08x08 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Andy: Charge!

Kelly: Isn't Gettysburg like three hours away?

Erin: No. It's like two hours and forty-six minutes.

Andy: It's kind of a haul, so we should probably get going. And tuna, I made a special sandwich for you, guess which kind.

Jim: Tuna?

Andy: Yes! Tuna of the land. Turkey. With pesto.

Jim: And to drink?

Andy: Water.

Jim: Oh-ho, I am in.

Jim: I'm excited, I've actually never been to Gettysburg. Uh, my family was gonna go once, but then my brothers convinced me if was full of d*ad soldier zombies, so I freaked out and we turned the car around. But I'm older now, I can outrun a zombie.

Andy: Getting everyone on the bus, check. Giving everyone hats, check. Sexiest eastern European girls, uh, check.

Darryl: Hey, Devil's Den is that way, we should check it out. That's where the sn*pers hid.

Andy: Please! Everyone and their mother goes to Devil's Den. It's the Olive Garden of Gettysburg.

Phyllis: Oh, I like Olive Garden.

Andy: Well, I meant that in a bad way. Obviously it tastes good, but it's not cool.

Jim: Where do all the cool kids go when they come to this consecrated ground?

Andy: That is what I'm showing you.

Dwight: I know what you guys are all thinking right now: Hey, let's go pee on the grave of some confederate soldiers, but you know what? Joke's on you. It only makes the flowers grow back more beautifully.

Dwight: Best thing you can do for the deceased is to pee on their graves. Then you dance and work the urine into the root systems. Doesn't hurt to have a smile on your face, either.

Oscar: Guys! Over here, we found the bus.

Phyllis: Open the door, Jim.

Jim: It's locked.

Phyllis: Are you sure? Yeah, it's locked.

Dwight: It's not locked, gimme that...

Jim: That's weird, if it's not locked, why isn't it opening?

Dwight: It's, it's latched closed.

Jim: Ok, you know what? Andy probably has the number for this guy. I'm gonna find him.

Darryl: I'll come with you.

Phyllis: Ow! Ee! I sat on my sandwich.

Oscar: And that's how the printing press was invented.

[ 08x08 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Andy:[enters office doing Michael Jackson impression] Everybody b*at it. Don't b*at it, stay where you are.

Erin: There you are. Dillinger Graphics said their shipment is late.

Andy: What did you say?

Erin: Nothing, I just-

Andy: What would you say?

Erin: That it'll be the first shipment out today.

Andy: That is exactly the right thing to say! Do it! Git-er-done! Phyllis, you just married Joe Order, you're new name is Phyllis Order [fill this order], get it?

Phyllis: I don't get it.

Andy: Jim, in regards to our high-five scheduled for four PM today, it has been moved up to now. Yes.

Jim: We didn't have one scheduled.

Season 8 - Episode 09

"Mrs. California"

[ 08x09 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Gabe: They say that if you can strengthen your core, it improves your sexual performance. So, you will find me on the Ab-Blaster. And then you will find me blasting...uh, a very nice young woman.

Meredith: Gotta get in shape. I'm doing Ironman next month. And I want him to be attracted to me.

Dwight: Hey, what are you listening to?

Gabe: Steve Martin. [laughs, then falls] uh, I'm fine. [grunts]

Erin: Um, where's the shower?

Dwight: There is no shower.

Kathy: There isn't?

Dwight: What does this look like, a shower store? Get lost.

Oscar: You have got to be kidding me! No shower?!

Dwight: Exercise lengthens life. Improves mood, boosts sex drive, and I've already covered the BM of it all. It's miraculous the effect that I will have on their lives.

[ 08x09 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Andy: So, Roberto Californio doesn't want to work with his wife. I get it. And, he wants to give his wife a job. Totally get it. What I am struggling with is the part of this that's impossible.

Robert: I love my wife.

Jim: This whole thing is making me very uncomfortable. I'm not getting between the boss and his wife so just ask me about something else. You know Stanley's tie is really the story of the day...

Stanley: It's my birthday.

Jim: Ok, so that's a disaster. Luckily have a two-part plan. One, run. Two, hide. It's pretty smart, right? [walks into Vance Refrigeration office] Hi, how you doing? I'm Jim Halpert from across the hall. We are redoing our supply closet and I was wondering if I could take a look at yours for some ideas.

Bob's Secretary: Let me just check with Bob.

Jim: You absolutely should. He said it was ok, so till you get him, I'll just be in, you know. [closes door behind him to supply closet]

Bob's Secretary: [on phone] Bob? Jim just went into the closet.

Andy: Ugh! He's always one step ahead of us! How does he do that?

Mrs. California: This is insulting!

Robert: This whole accusation is insulting. Come on.

Season 8 - Episode 10

"Christmas Wishes"

[ 08x10 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Robert: Where can I get a drink? Oh...

Andy: Oh, uh. Well, we thought we wouldn't put the alcohol out till 11AM. It's just...common...decency.

Robert: Par for the course. Par for the...freaking course. I'll be in the party room having a cookie until 11. Haha! Yule-log.

Robert: Not destroyed. No..... Not destructive. Quite...off-kilter, sure. But... that's too vague. [long pause] Erratic. Darkly erratic. [laughs awkwardly] That's my mood.

Meredith: Cake?...You seem a little down.

Robert: I am. [laughs] I'm a mess.

Meredith: How about I fix you some warm milk with some bourbon?

Robert: Oh, that sounds nice.

Meredith: Maybe watch a movie...under a blanket...

Robert: Lovely. Wait, where is this taking place?

Meredith: The Murphy bed of my basement.

Robert: What...is happening to me? [pause] The lines in your haggard face are paths that lead nowhere. Your hair is the f*re of hell. [hugs Meredith] I sincerely hope you find a sexual partner tonight.

[ 08x10 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Andy: It's come to my attention that someone, who shall remain nameless, wants to switch desk clumps.

Jim: Cathy wants to leave our clump?

Andy: Don't look. Who it was is not important...but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he.

Dwight: Hey. Enjoy your new clump.

Kathy: Thanks.

Dwight: It's so much closer to the bathroom, right?

Kathy: Yeah.

Dwight: Uh huh.

Jim: Sorry it didn't work out. Hope you find what you're looking for.

Kathy: No, I just have more room.

Jim: That's ok.

Dwight: You'll be fine over there.

Erin: [talking loudly] Sorry guys, Jim! This package came for you, do you want me to put it on your desk?

Jim: That'd be great, thank you. [Erin throws package, it hits Kathy. She thinks it was Jim who threw it]

Dwight: So, I got this bucket from Jim's garage and I filled it with everything disgusting. Except excrement. I can't wait to see the look on his face when that falls on my face. [laughs, then camera shows bucket being dumped on Kathy] Dammit Kathy!

[ 08x10 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Andy: For the past month, I have been collecting wishes from everyone in the office, and I intend to make good on every single one of them.

Andy: Oh, I see.

Andy: Now look, I may not have a great laugh like Santa, or a flying sled. But tell you what I do have. A Prius, a heart of freaking gold....

Kevin: This.

Andy: Alright, you got it.

Andy: ...and an American Express green card.

Andy: Ryan, for your holiday wish, you wanted ten sick days.

Ryan: I'd be satisfied with eight.

Andy: Well I'll do you one better.

Ryan: Nine?

Andy: I got you health insurance.

Ryan: Oh, neat.

Andy: Yeah! Right? But with great perks come great responsibility, so I'm gonna be expecting a lot more from you...no more zoning out in your office.

Ryan: Oh, great.

Andy: Yes!

Season 8 - Episode 11

"Trivia"

[ 08x11 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Kelly: Cause it's like, really...

Andy: Einsteins! Great work.

Kevin: Thank you.

Andy: You know what I thought would be fun? Is we do like uh, a switch-em-up maybe? Since only one of us needs to win, maybe I can get Kevin and Kelly and put together an all-star team?

Oscar: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Andy, there is no switching teams.

Kevin: Andy, we're fine. We don't wanna switch. We're already like, the perfect unit.

Andy: Alright. Well just stay focused, try to concentrate.

Meredith: Whoo! Brought some brain food.

Erin: Yeah!

Kelly: Having fun.

Meredith & Kelly: One, two, three...[team takes sh*ts]

Kevin: When I dropped out of school to watch more sports, a lot of people thought that I was nuts. Well who's laughing now?

Announcer: Say "Shalom" to your shrubs on this Jewish holiday that celebrates the new year for trees.

Kelly: Tu Bishvat!

Announcer: That's correct.

Einsteins: Whoo!

Announcer: Point for the Einsteins.

Kelly: Hey, is it true that you're not allowed to spend time with your girlfriend during the month of Tu Bishvat?

Announcer: Uh, I don't think so.

Kelly: I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Ryan lies to me and says he has a whole Jewish holiday for an entire month.....

Oscar: It gets better, kids. It gets so much better that one day, your stupid coworkers will be excited to show up at your gay bar and ruin your trivia night.

[ 08x11 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Andy: Alright, if you're not going to help us out by buying our own paper, could you sell eight hundred dollars more paper than usual today? That would be amazing.

Jim: Andy, it's the last day of the quarter. We've already called all our clients, so making that much in a day is going to be tough.

Andy: Not helping, tuna.

Stanley: Yeah, I'm sitting on twenty-five hundred in sales I can make at any time but those are my wait till the separation is legal sales.

Andy: We gotta figure this out. Think of the look on Robert's face when we tell him we met our 8% goal.

Kevin: Oh, will we get to see that look?

Andy: No, that's why...that's why I said think of it.

Jim: Andy, we're gonna do our best. But you know what? At the end of the day seven point...whatever percent is pretty good.

Group: Yeah.

Angela: Yeah, it is, Andy.

Andy: Have I mentioned that it's also quite good for amateur animation? [flips crude animation of stick figures representing him and Robert] Took me two weeks.

Season 8 - Episode 12

"Pool Party"

[ 08x12 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Ryan: Two pools. A divider. A bridge. Good choice. It says everything about everything, right Robert?

Kathy: What's the water like?

Darryl: Nice.

Angela: Oh, it is warm.

Phyllis: Robert's house is, well....I don't mean to sound offensive, but it's like where a basketball player would live.

Erin: Oh, Dwight.

Dwight: Uh huh.

Erin: That feels so good!

Dwight: Yeah....baby.

Erin: [grunting] Hey, Andy.

Andy: Hey.

Erin: Dwight gives the best back massages.

Andy: Yeah, it sounds like it.

Dwight: Hey, have you ever been checked for scoliosis?

Erin: I don't know, why don't you check me Dr. Shrute. [laughing]

Dwight: No, seriously. Your spine is jacked. It's like the devil's cursive.

Erin: You mean more like dangerous curves...

Dwight: You'd be like 8 feet tall if this thing was straightened out...[pushes Erin back to floor]

Erin: Ow!

Erin: You date a guy, you find out he was engaged to your coworker so you throw cake at him. It's over. You start liking him again so you ask him out with a puppet show. He says no. Then he follows you home to make sure that you don't kiss somebody. Then he ignores you at a pool party? Am I right ladies?

Dwight: [Erin helps Dwight stretch his inner thighs] Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oooooh, yeah.

Jessica: You guys ready?

Andy: Bring it on guys.

Dwight: Yeah...

Andy: Let's go before I vomit. [Erin and Dwight enter pool]

Dwight: Ready?

Erin: I'm ready.

Jessica: Whoo!

Andy: Alright! Here we go.

Erin: Ok.

Dwight: RAHHH!!!!!!!

Jessica: Yeah, come on!

Dwight: Get her! Ruin her! [Andy and Jessica b*at Dwight and Erin]

Andy: Hey! High-five!

Jessica: Yeah!

Jessica: My brother and I were the chicken fight champions of our swim club growing up. I mean, we b*at the Strauss twins. Ok, I guess somebody didn't grow up in west Hartford, Connecticut.

Robert: This room I liked for the view. I dreamed that I would watch my guests walk to their cars at dawn, their faces flushed with the shame and regret for the choices they made the night before. [laughs]

Ryan: I get that.

Gabe: Beautiful sentiment.

Jim: To the shame room! [raises bottle]

Gabe: [Robert laughs] I live in this room.

Oscar: [Toby and Oscar swig from wine bottles] Oh, Mineral-ey.

Toby: Mineral-ey.

Season 8 - Episode 13

"Jury Duty"

[ 08x13 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Jim: I would love for everyone to just forgive me. But, if that's not happening, I'm not averse to just buying them all off.

Jim: Alright guys. You know how we all like the red licorice but it's always buried behind like a ton of black licorice? [points to pile of candy] Bought it all. Now it's like red city in there. So, enjoy it.

Phyllis: Mmm-hmm. Moneybags. Must be nice.

Andy: So you effectively spent what...four dollars on the entire office?

Jim: Uh, I can't get a handle on it. Am I cheap or rich? I can't...

Andy: You're nothing. When I think about all the gas money I spent on you. Washing my car to make sure you-

Jim: [interrupting] Alright. Well, enjoy the red licorice, and good riddance, right? [tosses black licorice into trash]

Darryl: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! So you're just gonna throw away perfectly good food?

Jim: It's not really food, right?

Creed: I'm really hating this Jim guy!

Jim: Ok, ok, ok.

Stanley: I know what you can do Jim. Take those black licorice, then go get some of those red licorice, take 'em in your hand, roll 'em up real tight...

Jim: "And shove it up my butt."

Stanley: Dammit Jim! You stole my afternoons, now you stole my line! It's not "shove it up your butt" it's....I'll k*ll you! I'll k*ll you d*ad!

Darryl: Eat it.

Jim: I'm not gonna eat it.

Darryl: Eat. It.

Jim: I'm not-

Stanley: EAT IT! [Jim begins eating black licorice]

Jim: [on phone] They hate me, Pam.

Pam: They don't hate you.

Jim: No, it's bad. Darryl canceled go-karting....

Pam: When were you going go-karting with Darryl?

Jim: It's a lunch thing.

Pam: Alright. Just don't worry, we'll figure this out.

Jim: I feel like a stranger in my own country.

Pam: Ok, drama.

Jim: Ok. Well, hey, you're not here. You don't know, Ok? It's intense. They made me eat black licorice.

[ 08x13 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Dwight: I have a recurring nightmare that I've been wrongly accused of a crime and twelve of these idiots are on the jury. Stanley is fast asleep, Kevin eats the evidence, Phyllis's name is Allison but it really is Phyllis, Jim is foreman of the jury and pronounces me guilty. The cop takes me away and tells me that I've been a bad boy and we have sex in the hall. She leaves the handcuffs on. They take me away to prison. The guards are all women. [sighs]

[ 08x13 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Andy: Everyone, this is Officer Foley from the Scranton PD. Works down at the courthouse. I think he has something he's like to say.

Officer Foley: I understand that some of you don't believe that Mr. Bernard drove his friend into the courthouse for jury duty last week.

Darryl: Correction: we don't care.

Erin: Hey, aren't you an actor?

Andy: No.

Erin: Weren't you in Sweeny Todd last year with Andy?

Officer Foley: Uh, no.

Darryl: You hired your actor friend to come here as a cop?

Andy: That is so offensive and ridiculous. I-

Darryl: So if I started singing "Down By the Old Mill Stream", you couldn't join me in a three part harmony. [Andy and Officer Foley shake their heads no, Darryl begins singing] Down by the, down by the, down by the....

Andy, Darryl & Officer Foley: [singing] Old mill stream. When I first met you, down by the old mill stream [Andy & Foley hold "stream"]

Darryl: [Low singing] Old, mill, stream.

Andy: Ho hah!....oh, sh**t.

Darryl: Mm hmm.
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