[Open on a close-up of a young man’s eye. There is silence for a moment then the roar of a crown as he downs his opponent. It’s a high school wrestling match. Each time the focus is on Seth, there is silence. When the picture widens, the crowd can be heard, cheering. Laura comes to the edge of the circle.]

Laura: [signing] You look like superman.

Seth: [signing] I’m nervous.

Laura: [signing] You’re going to kick ass. [Ellie, Seth’s mother, waves from the stands.] I think your mom’s trying to get your attention.

Ellie: [signing] Check it out. [She opens her sweater. She’s wearing a t-shirt that says “Deaf Pride.”]

Seth: [signing] You’re not deaf.

Ellie: [signing] I’m proud of you.

Referee: 145 pounds. Johnson. Miller.

Seth: [signing] Gotta go.

Laura: [signing] Good luck.

[The whistle blows. The match is alternately silent and at full volume. There is a sign interpreter or, perhaps, Seth’s coach, talking to him. Suddenly there is a sound like a sonic boom. Seth yells and staggers out of the circle. He jerks his head as he hears it again.]

Seth: AAAAH!

[Seth falls to his knees. His hands are pressed against his ears. He rolls onto his back.]

Seth: AAAAH! OHHHHHHH!

[Opening credits]

[Open on House’s bedroom. He’s lying on his side, his eyes closed.]

Amber: [voice over] House. House. I know you’re not asleep.

House: [without opening his eyes] That insight would be a lot more impressive if you weren’t just a product of my exhausted brain.

Amber: Aren’t you curious about why I’m here?

[He finally opens his eyes. She’s sitting in the chair in the corner. She’s wearing her lab coat.]

House: Curious why no French maid’s outfit. No spanky pants.

Amber: I’m a hallucination, not a fantasy.

House: It’s insomnia. Four nights without REM sleep can cause p+

Amber: That might explain why you’re hallucinating. Doesn’t explain why you’re hallucinating Wilson’s d*ad girlfriend.

House: Probably just my secret and very unconscious desire to get Wilson into my bedroom.

Amber: Or maybe your guilt over Kutner’s su1c1de reminds you how guilty you felt about me.

House: Who cares why you’re here. A decent night’s sleep, you won’t be.

[He turns over and Amber is no longer in the chair. His beeper goes off. As he looks at the message, Amber’s sitting at the foot of the bed.]

Amber: Guess I’ll be around a few more hours.

[Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House enters.]

Taub: Need some coffee?

House: Addictive substances are no substitute for nature’s healing balm. [He takes a Vicodin] Make this fast. I need to sleep.

Thirteen: Deaf 14-year-old started hearing imaginary expl*si*n.

House: Exploding head syndrome. Cool. Well, obviously his brain knows how to hear.

Taub: Patient went deaf at age four. Complication of meningitis.

Amber: So why no cochlear implant?

[House stares at Amber who is trying to write on the white board while Foreman talks.]

Foreman: Usual suspect are insomnia, which he doesn’t have; migraines, which he doesn’t get; and head trauma, which didn’t show up on the CT.

Amber: Damn imaginary pen.

House: [glances at her then back at the chart] Mom’s signature’s on everything. Did Dad die?

Foreman: No, doubt it. He was a sperm donor. Medical records couldn’t be cleaner.

House: So we’re left with temporal lobe seizure.

Amber: Wrong.

Thirteen: Someone at the wrestling meet would have noticed a seizure.

House: Could have just looked like a bad sh*t to the leg. Put him in the seizure lab. See if his head blows up all over again.

[The team leaves]

Amber: You’re going to ignore your own subconscious? Gonna be the limp leading the blind.

[He looks at her. She shrugs.]

[Cut to Cameron and Wilson in Wilson’s office looking at a file. They look up as the door opens.]

House: I need a scrip for sleeping pills. My neighbor’s dog’s been keeping me awake and seems strangely invulnerable to poison. [Wilson puts the file on the table and goes to his desk.] Why is the soon-to-be-second-prettiest Dr. Chase here?

Cameron: I’ll take that as a congratulations.

Wilson: We’re discussing a case.

Amber: Why did he close that file?

House: Wedding in two weeks? I’d say you were pregnant but I don’t think Chase’s body is mature enough to produce sperm.

Cameron: It’s a small ceremony. Why wait?

Wilson: [offering the scrip] Nighty night.

Amber: Drugs with no lecture? He wants you out.

House: Interesting case?

Cameron: Possible prostate cancer came into the ER.

Amber: Pencil cup.

[House knocks the pencil cup to the floor using his cane. Cameron stands to pick it up. House grabs the file and opens it.]

House: Ho! No wonder his prostate’s enlarged. It’s full of pool cues and cigars. [The folder holds flyers from various venues.]

Cameron: Chase’s best man doesn’t get here till the day of the wedding so I asked Wilson to throw his bachelor party.

House: No retired ministers available to plan it?

Wilson: Chase doesn’t want some big, raucous party.

House: So she says. Luckily, there are people in this world ready to stand up for what’s right.

Cameron: No, no, no. I don’t want p+ I don’t want you to p+

House: Listen. There are two things I do well. Bachelor parties rank… towards the top.

Amber: [waiting by the door as House leaves] I get to help, right?

[Cut to seizure lab.]

Foreman: Starting five hertz. House made it through that entire differential without mocking our patient for not having a cochlear implant.

Thirteen: The patient doesn’t want an implant because he’s comfortable with who he is. It’s admirable.

Foreman: He’s deaf. It’s not an identity, it’s a disability.

Thirteen: It’s also a culture. The deaf have their own schools, their own language. [looks at Seth] Still no spiking.

Foreman: Going to 20. Anything I can simulate with a $3.00 pair of earplugs is not a culture. No sign of seizure. Temporal lobe activity is still clean.

[Ellie has been watching Seth. He’s rubbing his eyes.]

Ellie: Doctors, doctors. He can’t see. One of his eyes.

[Cut to Clinic.]

House: The limp leading the blind.

Thirteen: Is that supposed to mean something?

House: So exploding head syndrome plus vision loss.

Taub: Subclavian steel syndrome. Vascular defect coupled with constant arm movement could siphon blood flow from the brain.

[There’s a pharmacy bottle on the counter with House’s name on it. It contains Zolpidem 200 MG capsules. The directions are “Take one capsule by mouth three times daily for 10 days until all taken.”]

Thirteen: We should do an angio p+

House: [grabbing the bottle] Know ourselves out. [He goes into one of the treatment rooms, shuts the door and leans against it.] How did I know he was gonna go blind? [Nothing] Don’t get cute, Gazoo. You’re in my mind. You’re obviously there.

Amber: C-reactive protein. I noticed in his file it was slightly elevated. I figured the stress of the seizure lab would drive inflammation even higher. Lead to optic neuritis.

House: That’s a lot clearer than “the limp leading the blind.”

Amber: It was just a glimmer. I couldn’t put it into words.

House: It was a long sh*t. I don’t even remember the c-reactive protein level.

Amber: Obviously you do. You just don’t know it.

House: How high is K2?

Amber: I don’t know.

House: Me neither. But I read a book about it years ago. Fierce, sexy Sherpa on the cover, bending over p+

Amber: 28,251 feet.

House: Cool. An all-access pass to my own brain.

Amber: Go play the kid some music.

House: Why?

Amber: Another long sh*t.

[Cut to treatment room. Ellie translates what the doctors say into ASL (American Sign Language).]

Foreman: We’re using iodine dye to track the blood flow in your neck and arm.

[Seth nods. Public Enemy’s “Fight the Power” can be heard. House’s feet and cane, dancing, can be seen coming down the hall. His face is obscured by an enormous boom box. When he reaches the doorway, he pivots. He’s wearing Kanye West “shutter shades.” Everyone has to shout to be heard over the music.]

Foreman: House, what are you doing?

House: What does it look like I’m doing? Fighting the power.

[Seth is smiling. House puts his cane on the foot of the bed and the boom box on Seth’s chest. He places Seth’s right hand over the speaker.]

House (continues): Feel that? How cool is that? [Foreman and Ellie watch, annoyed.] Apparently your mom doesn’t care what you’re missing.

Ellie: You’re an ass. [She reaches over to turn off the music. Seth stops her and signs.] He says he feels the vibrations in his abdomen, but not his hands. What does that mean?

House: [removing the glasses and turning off the boom box] It’s a new symptom. Neuropathy.

[Foreman removes the boom box from Seth’s chest. House walks to a trashcan and tosses his sleeping pills. Amber leans against the wall, smiling.]

Amber: Thought you were gonna get some sleep.

House: Case got interesting.

[Cut to Seth’s room. He and Laura are having a conversation in ASL. House and the team observe from the hall. House raps about a dozen times on the glass wall in a slow, steady pattern. Seth and Laura don’t notice them.]

House: Like the zoo. Except you can bang on the glass as much as you want.

Foreman: How did you know about the neuropathy?

House: Good question.

Foreman: Enough with the riddles.

House: Tell me about it.

[As they walk down the hall Amber is there, holding three oversized bowling pins.]

Amber: Think “wrestling record.”

House: Juggling. No, pins. Three pins. Patient was pinned in his last three matches. Leading up to that he was 15 and 0. I figured his balance was off from diminished sensation.

Foreman: Could be increased ICP from a brain tumor.

House: That we missed on the head CT?

Thirteen: Cutting weight for wrestling could have led to rhabdomyolysis.

House: He just went up a weight class three months ago.

[They turn a corner. Amber’s waiting there.

Amber: Foreman’s right.

House: Actually, increased ICP could make sense.

Foreman: You just said p+

House: I was processing.

[He goes to the elevator. Amber is there, trying to push the “up” button.]

Amber: It also puts a new symptom on the table.

House: His deafness. What if it was caused by NF2 cancer instead of his childhood meningitis?

Foreman: So meningitis was a coincidence?

House: Or a byproduct of the cancer suppressing his immune system. MRI his head.

Taub: If you’re right about NF2, his deafness may be reversible. I’ll set it up and talk to the patient.

[He leaves. Foreman and Thirteen start to follow.]

House: You two… doing anything?

[Cut to a strip club. “Spread Your Love” by Vibrolux is playing. Foreman and Thirteen are sitting against the stage. They take simultaneous sips of their drinks without taking their eyes off the pole dancer.]

Foreman: You know what a broken cowboy is? [She looks at him] It was on House’s list of requirements.

Thirteen: I have three theories.

Foreman: [smiling at her] Why is House so into this bachelor party thing?

Thirteen: He needs a reason to be into a bachelor party?

Foreman: He needs a reason to be into anything.

Thirteen: Give me your wallet. [The dancer is crawling on all fours toward them]

Foreman: House could be trying to tempt Chase into cheating. Break them up.

Thirteen: [looking away from the dancer for the first time] You think House is into Cameron? [She slips a bill into the dancers boy shorts.]

Foreman: I think House is into Cameron being into him. Marrying Chase would shatter that fantasy.

Thirteen: If Chase cheats then they shouldn’t be getting married in the first place.

Foreman: So you’re okay with House getting Chase smashed enough to make a stupid mistake?

Thirteen: Being drunk doesn’t change who you are. It just reveals it.

[A new dancer grabs the pole, inverts, wraps one leg around it and spirals down. No hands.]

Foreman: You think she can do the broken cowboy?

Thirteen: God, I hope so.

[Cut to Seth’s room. Ellie is there, translating. Laura is next to her]

Taub: NF2 is an extremely slow-growing cancer which makes it very treatable. If we’re right, taking out the tumor means there’s a chance you’ll regain your hearing.

Seth: [signing] No

Ellie: [signing while she speaks] He said you have to.

Taub: What’s wrong.

Ellie: He wants you to treat the cancer but leave him deaf.

Taub: Yeah, sorry. Doesn’t work like that.

[She signs to Seth who signs a question back.]

Laura: [signing] It will be okay.

Seth: [signing] I’d have to change schools. I’d barely see you.

Laura: [signing] You won’t see me at all unless you get better.

[Seth lays back on the bed, thinks, exhales loudly and becomes resigned to it. Ellie nods.]

[Cut to image viewing room. Taub is showing films to House and Amber]

Taub: Imaging shows slightly elevated ICP, but no masses on or around the nerves. It’s not cancer.

House: Slight bowing in the wall of the fourth ventricle could still indicate a tumor.

[Thirteen and Foreman enter.]

Foreman: We brought pictures.

Thirteen: The fact that you sent me on a scouting mission p+

Amber: No skirts.

House: You’re not on the guest list. Bachelor parties are an ancient and sacred male rite of passage.

Taub: The ventricle bowing is most likely a pre-existing anatomical anomaly, not the indication of a tumor.

Thirteen: No way to know for sure without a brain biopsy. If I get drunk enough, there’s a chance I might make out with one of the strippers. Or become one.

House and Amber: Sold.

Taub: We can’t just drill into our patient’s brain on a hunch.

House and Amber: [Looking at the picture of a stripper] Oh, God, not her.

House: She’s the one that got me hooked in with Madoff.

Foreman: Taub’s right. It’s not cancer.

House: Yeah, by all means, abandon a great diagnostic theory because it’s difficult to prove. Do a biopsy. We need to take a better look at his fourth ventricle.

Amber: Or an older look.

Taub: The mom’s never gonna let us touch his brain without some evidence.

Amber: Patient broke his nose years ago. Hospital could have done an MRI.

House: [exhales] Okay. [He gathers up Seth’s films.]

[Cut to Wilson’s office. He’s talking to Chase.]

Wilson: The main reason my third wife and I eloped was to avoid House’s bachelor party. [long pause] Have you seen Caligula?

House: [entering] My patient’s brain now… versus three years ago. [he puts films on the light board.] See any difference? [to Chase] Is he telling you to avoid the party?

Wilson: I took an oath to do no harm.

House: Sure. Don’t come. If you want your wedding vows to be meaningless.

Chase: This should be interesting.

House: You are going to commit to that one special woman forever. Which is beautiful. But if your commitment the day after the wedding is the same as your commitment the day before, then the wedding meant nothing. So, and I see no logical way around this, if you want your marriage to matter, you have to be a wanton, trolling, muck-covered pig the day before.

Chase: You’re evil. Se ya.

Wilson: [who has been studying the films through all this] The wall of the fourth ventricle changed. It isn’t bowed in the older scan.

House: Evidence of NF2, right?

Wilson: You’d need to do a brain biopsy to confirm. [House takes the scans] Uh, I’m not going to the bachelor party. Every time I go to one of your parties, I end up embarrassing myself in some new and unexpected way.

House: [opening the door] That whole thing with the duck was hardly unexpected.

Wilson: I’m not going.

House: Okay.

Amber: [who just “arrived”] It’s not okay.

[Cut to brain biopsy. Seth’s head is in a vise. The drill bit is visible behind him. Chase pulls the drill back.]

Amber: Do you know who we need? [She and House are in the observation balcony] That stripper you got for Wilson’s bachelor party. You could do body sh*ts right off her.

House: Why go back to that well? In the nine years since Wilson’s party, a whole new generation of hot girls have been abused by their stepfathers.

Amber: She loved cats.

House: What made you remember the stripper loved cats?

Amber: Chase has a cat. They’ll bond.

Chase: [on speaker.] Ahem, House? You, uh, entertaining yourself up there?

House: [turning on the intercom with his cane] Just rehearsing for the revival of Evita. What’d you find?

Chase: The biopsy shows nerve inflammation consistent with increased intracranial pressure. Something’s wrong, but it’s not cancer.

Amber: He’s going to go through life deaf.

House: He’s okay with that.

Amber: He has no idea what he’s missing. His mom’s a moron. He’s gonna pay for her stupidity for the rest of his life? Are *we* okay with that?

House: [thinks then turns on intercom] Why are you closing? Supposed to put in a cochlear implant.

Chase: Wasn’t in the paperwork.

House: Really? Well, someone must have screwed up. I’ll go track it down.

Chase: I’ll wait.

House: That’s a great idea. Let the kid spend more time under anesthesia with his skull cracked open.

Chase: I’ll wait.

House: I have been known to lie to serve my own agenda. An implant does absolutely nothing to help me diagnose him.

Chase: [to a nurse] Let’s get an implant tray in here.

[Cut to Seth’s room. It is totally silent. Chase types on the implant’s keyboard. A huge noise fills the room causing Seth to grab his head. He hears voices, the IV dripping, every movement of a monitor, a clock ticking, footsteps, etc.]

Chase: Just… Just try to relax.

Seth: [signing] What did you do to me?

[Cut to Cuddy’s office. Ellie is sitting on the couch.]

Cuddy: Her son didn’t want the implant.

House: If he still doesn’t want it, after having time to adjust, I’ll take it out. I’ll blind him too if he wants to experience that culture.

Ellie: Remove it now.

House: Kid’s just had brain surgery. He’s not s*ab.

[Amber is now sitting next to Ellie.]

Cuddy: Ms. Miller, I’m not trying to minimize Dr. House’s wrongdoing, but the best thing…

Amber: Why is she sitting? [Now she’s standing behind House] She’s not yelling, not thr*at, not pacing. [she’s next to Ellie again] Just sitting.

Cuddy: Understand, Dr. House? [he’s in a fog] House. Focus. I need you to say you accept the arrangement.

House: No problem. [to Ellie] You’re not mad.

Ellie: I’m mad.

House: Not mad enough. You wanted your son to hear. You just didn’t have the guts to make him get the implant.

Ellie: Once my son is s*ab, I want that thing out of his head. [she leaves]

Cuddy: Why did you do this?

House: Because he is ignorant and he’s being raised by an idiot.

Cuddy: Not good enough. You always have p+

House: [shouting] My patient is opting into a handicap! It’s an insult to all the other gimps out there.

Cuddy: Okay. But I’m still putting Foreman in charge of the case.

House: That’s the arrangement? [she nods slightly] Okay.

[Cut to House leaving the clinic and putting a large cell phone earbud on. Amber is waiting for him.]

Amber: You’re okay with Foreman in charge? Who you calling? Oh… Right. You don’t want to look like a lunatic.

House: Yeah, about that…

Amber: You think we did the wrong thing?

House: I’m not sure. [they enter the elevator] I’m not even sure why we did it.

Amber: Well, that argument you made to Cuddy sounded pretty good.

House: To you, maybe.

[Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. The team is there. House enters and takes off the earbud.]

House: Huh. I figured by now you’d be at the board in your monocle and jodhpurs.

Foreman: Yeah. You did something stupid. Quick, better mock someone.

Thirteen: Why did you do it?

House: Why did I give a human being the power of hearing? You ask God the same question, he’ll give you the same answer.

Taub: Patient has a fever now too.

Thirteen: Probably just a post-op complication. Arnold-Chiari?

Foreman: Not without muscle weakness.

Taub: Pseudotumor Cerebri?

Foreman: We checked his eyes before the surgery. No papilledema.

Amber: Candy. [She’s biting into something.] I’m pretty sure Wilson’s stripper’s name was something sweet.

Taub: Maybe his fever is more than the post-op reaction. His girlfriend was sick a few months ago. [Amber is in the background, making a disgusted face over what she’s eating] Maybe her flu was really Epstein-Barr.

Amber: Lolly? [She’s got a giant, red, all-day sucker]

Thirteen: They swap spit, virus travels to his brain, leads to meningitis, leads to increased intracranial pressure.

Amber: I agree. Taffy? [She’s stretching a long piece of pink taffy.]

House: I agree.

Foreman: Go ahead. Start him on rivavirin for Epstein-Barr.

House: Keep making decisions like that. It really bolsters the illusion that you’re in charge.

[Cut to Wilson’s office. House enters]

House: Why aren’t you in my office?

Wilson: Because I know what the word “my” means.

House: I did something insane, and you’re not all over me analyzing why.

Wilson: It was nice.

House: I gave that idiot an implant to prove to him what an idiot he’s been. How is that nice?

Wilson: You didn’t do it to solve the case. You didn’t do it to save his live. You… did it to make his life better. It was a caring act p+ which you did in a way that was immoral and illegal, but… Baby steps.

Amber: Doesn’t sound like us.

Wilson You can’t make me go to the bachelor party.

House: I know.

Wilson: And you’re okay with that?

House: [opening the door] What choice do I have? [He and Amber leave]

[Cut to Seth’s room.]

Seth: [signing] Make them take it out.

Ellie: [signing] They can’t operate again. First you have to get better.

Seth: [signing and shaking his head] I don’t want this thing in me.

Ellie: Seth! [whispers] Please, God.

Seth: [signing] What did you say?

Ellie: Seth?

Seth: [signing] Is that my name? [He finger spells S-E-T-H. Ellie nods]

Ellie: Yes.

Seth: [signing] Say it again, please.

Ellie: Seth. [They hug for a very long moment. Taub enters. Ellie stands up] Oh. I think he just wet the bed.

[Taub and Ellie look at the foot of the bed. Urine is pouring onto the floor.]

[Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. The white board has peeeeeeeee written on it in a downward arc. House puts a pint of pink ice cream on the table. He adds several more pints from a cooler as the team enters.]

Taub: Kid’s dehydrated but s*ab. Thankfully, the fountain of whiz seems to have stopped for the moment.

House: Not before hosing Epstein-Barr off the table. Now eat up. We’re gonna pick out the ice cream flavors for the bachelor party. [He sticks a spoon in each container. They each taste some.]

Taub: Could be systemic autoimmune disease, sarcoido — This tastes like… vodka.

House: Well, it would be stupid if it tasted like bourbon. That’s the brown one.

Thirteen: It is vodka?

House: Flash frozen in a secret process. Guy figured it out in his basement. [He swallows a spoonful of yellow ice cream] Limoncello. Genius.

Foreman: The symptoms came on too hard and too fast. Sarcoidosis is progressive.

Amber: [she’s joined them at the table] Remember in med school when Donovan gave grand rounds? There was that guy who was peeing liters.

Thirteen: Glomerulonephritis? A wrestler. Steroids could have damaged the kidneys. Hmm. The scotch is nice. [She passes it to Foreman]

Taub: His urine would have been brown.

Amber: Donovan ruled out osmotic diuresis p+ kidney disease. [As House sits down, the entire room, except Amber and him, fades to grayscale. The team can still be heard, quietly.]

Taub: Pheochromocytoma?

Thirteen: No hypertension. Plasma metanephrine’s normal.

Foreman: Devic’s?

Amber: It happened at night. That was the clue. Night, recumbent body position, changes in BP

House: [long pause] It’s his heart. [He looks at the team. They’re back to normal] Run a 12-lead EKG, watch him for four hours. Foreman concurs.

[Foreman is listening with his chin stuck up in the air. He drops his chin in resignation.]

[Cut to House’s office]

House: What the hell just happened? Everything started to fade away.

Amber: You’re getting better at focusing. Ignoring everything that doesn’t matter. [She sees Chase approaching] Uh-oh. He looks pissed. I think he might h*t us.

House: Is your eyesight better than mine?

Chase: We need to talk about the bachelor party.

House: Excellent topic choice. Surgery’s so boring and my lying to you is just so yesterday.

Chase: It’s my fault for letting you talk me into the implant. Cameron is not going to be happy about this party.

House: But you, on the other hand p+

Chase: Plan on spending the rest of my life with Cameron.

House: So… I need to cancel the fart band?

Chase: So… I need you to kidnap me.

House: Spoken like a true Aussie. By the way, if you know where I can get me the sheet music to Waltzing Matilda… [Chase starts to leave] Hey. Want some ice cream? We’re having a sundae bar. [He tosses Chase a pint.]

Chase: Sweet. [He leaves]

Amber: [snapping her fingers] That’s her name.

House: Sundae or bar?

Amber: Karamel.

House: With a “K.”

[Cut to Seth’s room. Laura inspects the implant]

Laura: [signing] I wish I could get an implant too.

Seth: [signing] You don’t need one. No one does.

Laura: [signing] It’s a great thing. It’s going to open up a whole new world for you.

Seth: [signing] I don’t want a new world. This doesn’t have to change things.

Laura: [signing] I’ll be back in a minute. [speaks to Thirteen] Bathroom? [She has the flat intonation that’s common for deaf people when they talk]

Thirteen: [points] Down the hall, two doors on your right.

Seth: [signing and speaking] Do I… sound like… her?

Thirteen: It takes time.

[Cut to Houses office. He downs a can of K-Blast, an energy drink and crushes the can. There are several more cans on the desk. The team enters.]

Taub: You still haven’t slept?

House: [burps loudly] And then I have a clever response. [He opens another can.]

Foreman: EKG normal sinus, normal intervals. His heart’s fine.

Amber: His heart’s not fine.

House: The heart was fine during this test. The arrhythmia’s hiding.

Foreman: Or we were wrong about the heart.

Taub: Could be the thyroid.

Thirteen: Hashimodo’s would explain the kid’s urine and brain pressure.

Amber: Treadmill.

House: Or, the arrhythmia is hiding. We need to stress him. Put the patient on a treadmill.

Foreman: The patient just had brain surgery. A stress test could cause a brain bleed and k*ll him.

House: I value your opinion. I value rejecting your opinion.

Foreman: You’re not doing this. You haven’t been sleeping p+

House: Cuddy doesn’t actually want you in charge. She just wants to avoid a lawsuit and to win an NAACP award.

Foreman: And if I let you risk our patient’s life testing an organ we already tested, we accomplish neither. Run a thyroid panel.

[Taub and Thirteen leave. Foreman follows them.]

[Cut to House and Amber walking down the hall. He’s wearing his fake earbud]

House: How do we get him into the stress lab without Foreman’s sign-off.

Amber: We could k*ll Foreman. [House gives her a look. They pass a pretty blonde.] Is she new?

House: Focus. The lab simulates stress. What if it’s not simulated?

Amber: We could tell him his girlfriend dumped him.

House: That’s a tough sell since she never leaves the room for more than five minutes.

Amber: We could k*ll her. [another look from House] Or… Asthma meds. Force the heart to b*at faster.

House: Revealing the arrhythmia. [whispers] Nice idea.

Amber: It was yours.

[Cut to hall outside Seth’s room. House takes a syringe out of a cart. Seth can be heard yelling. Nurses are running into the room. House enters.]

Ellie: I just left the room for a few minutes.

Thirteen: He ripped out his implant. So much for improving his life. [She’s trying to stop the bleeding]

Amber: Actually, I think we just saved it. [she turns to the monitor]

House: Look at that. Arrhythmia.

[Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House is at the white board.]

Foreman: You were right about the heart. Should have listened to you.

House: The correct phrasing would be, “I should always listen to you.”

Taub: He’s got problems everywhere. What goes everywhere?

Thirteen: Blood. Could be thrombocythemia. Excess platelets lead to clotting throughout the body.

Foreman: Not with a normal platelet count.

Taub: So the clotting doesn’t start in the blood. It starts in the lungs. Pulmonary embolism.

Foreman: Should do a VQ scan, see if his lungs are clear.

[Amber flicks her Bic and waves it over her head. House thinks.]

House: Go.

[The team leaves and Amber turns the lighter off.]

[Cut to the morgue. There is a body on the table in the background. House is at the near table. It is lined with champagne and sh*t glasses and House is filling them.]

House: You sure I did this at Wilson’s party?

Amber: Last time you used grain alcohol instead of the Sambuca.

House: And it worked?

[He lights the wick on a cloth-covered liquor bottle. Amber nods. House juggles the lit bottle. The last toss is a little close. He leans back.]

House (continues): Explains my lack of eyebrows by the end of the evening. [He lights the first glass and lifts it] By the power of Greyskull, I p+

[The glass gets too hot. He drops it among the other glasses which flame up randomly. Still holding the bottle with the wick, House staggers back into the exam table with a body. The extra bottles of alcohol are there. The wick lights them and the flames jump to the corpse’s chest hair and the blanket covering him. House scrambles to the sink. While Amber talks, he keeps trying to put out the f*re by putting a wet blanket on the corpse.]

Amber: [shrugs] This is why we’re rehearsing. Ever wonder what’s happening every time our patient gets sicker?

House: [trying to stay ahead of the flames] Not right now!

Amber: First symptom, wrestling. Then, under the lights of the seizure lab p+

House: Are you going somewhere with this? Because this feels p+

Amber: Just keep doing what you’re doing. It helps. Then, under the stress of blindness… and post-op fever. What do all the symptoms have in common?

House: [has finally put out the f*re. He thinks] Heat. See, if you hadn’t been here that would have just popped into my head. Which actually would have been way cooler. [He takes out his phone and dials] Foreman. The kid’s got Uhthoff Phenomenon. Which means it’s MS. Start him on double-dose interferon. [He hangs up]

Amber: Let’s get our drink on.

House: Not before I’ve added “chemical burns” to this guy’s cause of death.

[Cut to Foreman, Cameron and Chase getting off the elevator in the lobby.]

Foreman: Patient’s responding to interferon. Looks like I can retire as department figurehead.

Male Officer: Dr. Robert Chase? We’re with the Department of Citizenship and Immigration. Did you recently apply for a marriage license?

Chase: Uh… Yes.

Male Officer: According to our records, your work permit is expired. If you could come with us. [he grabs Chase’s arm]

Cameron: Um, I’m his finance. I can come along and clear this up.

Female Officer: I’m sorry, Ma’am. Illegals only.

Chase: [calling across the lobby] I’m… I’m sure it’s a mistake. I’ll call you as soon as I know what’s going on.

Cameron: [to Foreman] Don’t let House get him in too much trouble.

[Cut to the party. Do What You Wanna (Mr. Scruff’s Soul Party Remix) is playing. House is wearing a belted, black velvet smoking jacket with satin lapels and cuffs. He lights the first glass in a series and the flame dances along the row and up a pyramid of glasses. Guests are chanting “Go, go.” House climbs on a chair so he is level with the top of the pyramid. House and Chase each raise their arms, acknowledging the feat. Taub is standing between two strippers who are much taller than he is. Foreman and Thirteen join the applause. House takes the top glass, a large brand snifter that is on it’s side, off the pyramid.]

House: Allow me to welcome you to the best night of your life. [He pours the flaming alcohol into a tumbler.]

Chase: A-huh. [He covers the glass with his hand, putting out the flame. Then he drinks it in one swallow. House has him in a one-armed hug.]

House: Now, ah, a few ground rules for the evening. Uh, safety is job one. We’ve now gone for 18 days without an injury in the workplace. [The door opens and Wilson slowly walks in. He looks around while House speaks. Foreman and Thirteen clink glasses and drink.] Uh, yes, these girls are all working their way through law school. Don’t test them.

Wilson: House!

House: [smiling as he leans past the glasses so he can see Wilson] I knew you couldn’t stay away.

Wilson: [waves House over with his patented two-finger gesture] This is my apartment. You can’t do this.

House: Clearly, reality begs to differ.

Wilson: Where’s my furniture?

House: Out back somewhere.

Karamel: [from behind Wilson] James.

Wilson: Karamel?

Karamel: [She hugs him and he awkwardly hugs back, his briefcase in hand.] Hi. How’s your wife?

Wilson: Uh… We… We got divorced.

Karamel: Ohhh.

Wilson: How’s your cat?

Karamel: d*ad.

Wilson: Oh.

Karamel: How ‘bout we go have a drink?

Wilson: Oh…

Karamel: This way.

Wilson: Okay.

[The music becomes Jada’s American Cowboy. A stripper feeds Chase some of the special ice cream from her finger. Taub is dancing, sandwiched between the two tall strippers. Chase dances with a stripper who later licks his nose. Wilson, who is no longer wearing his jacket, licks his way up Karamel’s torso. When he reaches her bra he removes the sh*t glass and downs the contents p+ no hands. Karamel takes the empty glass so he can crawl back up and get the slice of lime from her mouth. He pumps the air in victory. Thirteen dances up to Karamel for her turn.]

Wilson: [to Foreman] You’re okay with this?

Foreman: I paid 50 bucks for this.

Wilson: You guys are great together. Trust is everything. I gotta get some air. Keep it real. [As he makes his way to the door it becomes apparent that, in addition to his jacket, Wilson is no longer wearing his pants.]

[Cut to the bathroom. House is sitting in the tub with a bottle. The music can be heard, muted. He takes a drink.]

Amber: You should be out there, enjoying the lap dances of your labors.

House: Eh. I kinda like it in here.

Amber: [sitting in the other end of the tub with a matching bottle] Me too. To us, figuring out MS.

House: And the blindness and neuropathy and arrhythmia and anything else we did. [they drink] What exactly did my team do?

Amber: Looked good in their lab coats. Except for Taub. Some people just work better alone… so to speak.

[Cut to the living room. Chase is holding a large, stuffed kangaroo. He’s talking to a stripper. Foreman comes up and hugs him from behind.]

Foreman: One more drink.

Chase: No, I can’t. I gotta take a break.

Taub: Meet Karamel.

[He steps to one side. Karamel is stretched out on her side, on a table. Chase chucks the kangaroo.]

Foreman: Huh?

Chase: Maybe one more drink.

[He and Karamel laugh as she turns onto her back. Someone empties a sh*t glass onto Karamel’s belly. Chase starts licking his way up her body. He stands up.]

Chase: What’s that taste? Is that p+ Is that strawberry? [He gasps once and keels over.]

[Cut to the bathroom. There’s a knock on the door.]

Foreman: House, you in there?

House: Use the other bathroom. It’s in the kitchen. Looks like a sink.

Foreman: Chase went into anaphylactic shock from the stripper’s body butter or something.

House: Is he okay?

Foreman: One of the residents had an epi pen, so he’s fine but we’re taking him to the hospital to be safe.

House: [quietly] Okay. [long pause] I knew that Chase was allergic to strawberries, didn’t I? [Amber shrugs slightly] That’s why you wanted Karamel at this party.

Amber: I suggested Karamel ‘cause she was great at Wilson’s party.

House: I knew about her body butter. I knew about his strawberry allergy. I tried to k*ll Chase. Why would I do that? I don’t want Cameron.

Amber: You’re not a big fan of other people’s happiness, either.

[House’s cell phone rings. He answers it.]

House: Hello. [pause] You confirm? [pause] Thanks. [hangs up] That kid we saved… He’s dying. It’s not MS. We were wrong.

[Cut to PPTH ambulance bay. Chase is being wheeled in.]

Cameron: Thank God you’re okay. What happened?

Chase: [quite drunk] Thee was a girl p+

Foreman: Long story.

Cuddy: Patient’s lung failure rules out MS. We put him on a ventilator.

Foreman: [takes films and handles them awkwardly] Uh, enlarged lymphs could p+

Cuddy: Are any of you sober?

[Cut to House’s apartment building. He’s unlocking his door.]

Amber: Turn around. You need to go to the hospital.

House: I need to sleep. [He enters the apartment and closes the door in Amber’s face.]

[Cut to the apartment. Amber is there, waiting, when House turns around.]

Amber: I’m you. You can’t just shut a door.

House: You tried to k*ll Chase. I need to push you back down. You’re dangerous. [his cell phone rings]

Amber: It’s the hospital.

House: Not answering. [he answers on the second ring] Hello?

[Cut to treatment room. Taub, Foreman and thirteen all have IVs. As the conversation continues, it cuts back and forth between the hospital and House’s apartment.]

Cuddy: I’m here with your team, trying to sober them up so they can help treat your dying patient.

House: Foreman’s dying patient.

Cuddy: What causes lung failure plus your patient’s previous symptoms?

Amber: Eosinophilic pneumonitis. White blood cells accumulate, clog up the lungs, lead to heart problems. It fits.

Cuddy: House, are you there?

House: It’s not eosinophilic pneumonitis. I gotta crash.

Cuddy: House, don’t hang up. We need your help.

House: I can’t.

Amber: We can solve this.

House: Good night. [He hangs up and picks up his cane.]

Foreman: Eonsinophilic pneumonitis could actually make sense.

Thirteen: No, House ruled it out because it would affect the larynx. Patient would be… hoarse. Which we wouldn’t notice in a deaf kid who rarely speaks.

[The team gets up to leave.]

Cuddy: Wait. Everyone’s getting breath mints.

[Cut to Seth’s room. Thirteen and Foreman enter.]

Foreman: We need to hear Seth speak.

Ellie: [translating to ASL] But that means taking out the tube. Isn’t that dangerous?

Thirteen: It’s the safest way to confirm what’s wrong with him.

Foreman: I need him to breath out as I pull out the tube.

Ellie: [signing and whispering] Breath out.

[Foreman removes the tube.]

Thirteen: Say “ah.” [Ellie translates.]

Seth: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Foreman: I’m sorry. We were wrong. I need to, uh, suction out your throat before we reintubate. [Just before he inserts the suction tube he stops and inspects Seth’s mouth and teeth.] Your son smoke?

Ellie: [signs “smoke”] Smoke? I don’t think so.

Foreman: Tobacco stains on his teeth.

Ellie: [signs and translates Seth’s reply] He says he used to chew tobacco to cut weight for wrestling.

Foreman: Used to.

Thirteen: Chewing tobacco wouldn’t explain his symptoms.

Foreman: But not chewing tobacco might. Taub was right. It’s sarcoidosis. The tobacco releases toxins. Those toxins suppressed his immune system. Once he quit chewing, the absence of those toxins kicked a dormant condition into hyper-drive.

Ellie: Is it treatable?

Thirteen: Usually responds to corticosteroids and methotrexate. I’ll start the meds.

[Cut to Cuddy’s office the next morning. House enters.]

House: I need sleeping pills. I was gonna h*t up Wilson but he’s not answering his phone.

Cuddy: He must have left it in his pants. Which he wasn’t wearing when the police found him trying to walk home… oddly, from his own apartment.

House: [looks at Amber guiltily] Pills.

Cuddy: Your patient’s doing fine, thanks to your team.

House: It wasn’t eosinophilic pneumonitis, was it?

Cuddy: Sarcoidosis.

House: Good.

[She fills out a prescription and tears it off the pad but holds it away from him.]

Cuddy: House, please talk to me.

[Long pause as House and Amber look at each other.]

House: I haven’t slept through the night since Kutner k*lled himself.

[She hands him the scrip. He looks at Amber, turns and leaves.]

[Cut to Seth’s room.]

Ellie: [signing and talking] The wrestling might have to wait. I’m gonna tell your doctors to repair your implant.

Seth: [signing] You always said that was my decision.

Ellie: [signing and talking] And then you ripped it out rather than live with it for a few days even. I’m your mother. This is my call. I don’t know if I’m making the right one, but it’s mine to make.

[Cut to House’s bedroom. He wakes and stretches. He looks around. He checks out the hallway. In the bathroom, he turns on the sink and splashes his face. He smiles at himself in the mirror and dries his face. He turns to leave.]

Amber: Sleep well?

[The End]
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x22 - House Divided"}