Season 3 - Episode 01

"Gay Witch Hunt"

[ 03x01 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Jan: [on speakerphone] Okay, what is your goal for after lunch?

Michael: I will do my job to the best of my abilities.

Jan: [under breath] Heaven help us. [aloud] Specifically.

Michael: I will do my regional manager job to the best of my capability.

Jan: Specifically, Michael.

Michael: Specifically, Jan, I will make at least ten phone calls to clients.

Michael: Yes, I have to begin every day by letting Jan know what I intend to accomplish, and then I have to call her at the end of the day to tell her what I did accomplish. But it's not mandatory. It's something that I... wanted to do... and so it's voluntary, really. Even though she... makes me. I think she just wants to hear my voice. Because we're no longer lovers, and she's just hurting. But things are going well with Carol. I've seen her seven times in the last few months, and I'm growing very fond of her kids. Tommy, who I call Tomas, and the little girl...

Jan: [on speakerphone] Are you on the toilet, Michael?

Michael: [quietly] No.

Jan: Well, I know sometimes you are and... that you wouldn't tell me, so I'm just going to assume that you are, and call me back when you're finished.

Michael: Okay. [Jan hangs up. Toby opens the office door.]

Toby: Michael?

Michael: [sigh]

Michael: Hi, honey. You holding up?

Pam: Yup.

Michael: Yeah.

Pam: I'm... painting my new apartment tonight.

Michael: Oh, good. By yourself?

Pam: Yes.

Michael: Aw. Well, hang in there, okay? You know what? You should get one of this big body pillows. That way you wouldn't miss you-know-who so much.

Pam: Thanks.

Michael: Roy.

Pam: Right.

Pam: What do I think? I think everybody should stay out of everybody's personal business!

Oscar: Yes, I'm gay.

Meredith: [shocked expression]

Meredith: Why are all the best-looking single men always gay?

Andy: Hey, Big Tuna. You ever Google Google? What do you think would happen?

Jim: Let's find out. [starts typing]

Andy: [makes frustrated noises]

Jim: Oh! Lots of results.

Andy: I didn't mean you should do it. You were supposed to ponder it. It's... You removed the fun. Thanks a lot, Big Tuna.

Season 3 - Episode 02

"The Convention"

[ 03x02 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: Today I'm headed to Philadelphia for the annual Northeastern Office Supply Convention. [makes horns gesture and heavy metal scream] Wooo-yaaaaah! Oh, these things tend to be kind of crazy.

Michael: [Angela enters Michael's office] Ah.

Angela: Sign.

Michael: Per-diem. [singing as he signs] Perrrr-diiiiieeeemmmm! [shows off $100 bill to Ryan] You know, Ryan, it's all about the Benjamins.

Ryan: [reading checklist] Fun jeans.

Michael: [points to door] Right there.

Ryan: Fourth quarter projections for Jan?

Michael: Yes. What? Oh, yeah, have Pam give those to me.

Ryan: Will do.

Michael: Sure you don't want to come?

Ryan: Yeah.

Michael: Gonna be fun! Change your mind we can get you a cot.

Ryan: [shakes his head]

Michael: A couple of years ago, I went to one in Hartford. "Connecticut." And Todd Packer and I went to this bar and met a girl. And [laugh] Packer decides to make out with her. Turns out that her boyfriend is the bouncer at the bar. [laugh] I love this. The bouncer chases us out to Packer's Vette, jump in the Vette, he peels out, and I [laugh] I don't make it to the car. [turns serious] Um, and the other bouncers caught up with me and really did a number on me... It was in the paper... [brightens] But to answer your question, yeah, I'm really excited about this weekend.

Michael: See that factory?

Dwight: Mm-hm.

Michael: I almost worked there.

Dwight: No!

Michael: Yup. Yeah, I applied for a job there.

Dwight: What would you have done? Been manager?

Michael: I was going to be a bottle capper.

Dwight: You? A bottle capper?! [laughs in disbelief]

Michael: I know, I know. Crazy world. Crazy, crazy world.

Josh: Yes, I'm aware of Jan and Michael's... history. Um, I don't really like to talk about it 'cause it's unprofessional. Kind of gross.

Michael: Josh reminds me of a guy I went to high school with. Big football star, girls loved him. Whatever. Guess what he's doing now. He's a TV announcer for the Eagles. Up in the... [laughs] He doesn't even get to play in the game, I mean.

Dwight: So, you ever been convicted of a felony?

Josh: What? Uh, no. [to Jim] Uh, I want you to make sure you call Karen and get her to fax that vendor list over.

Dwight: Misdemeanor?

Josh: Um... When I was in the Coast Guard, a couple of us broke into the women's barracks and we got arrested for trespassing.

Dwight: Coast Guard? So you know how to fight underwater?

Josh: [stunned]

Jan: [Jim, Josh, and Jan walk in the hotel lobby] Josh, um... [Jim continues walking ahead] Why don't you come up to my room for a couple of minutes and we can just go over the schedule for tomorrow together.

Josh: Can we do it over breakfast? It'll be...

Jan: A quick drink?

Josh: Thanks, but maybe another time.

Jan: [putting on a good face] Great! [walks off]

Season 3 - Episode 03

"The Coup"

[ 03x03 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: Okay. [Jan leaves Michael's office; Dwight enters]

Dwight: Hey. [shuts door] Is everything okay?

Michael: It is not your business, Dwight.

Dwight: If the branch is in trouble, there are things you can do.

Michael: What do you know about management, Dwight?

Dwight: I know that we need to cut costs. We could f*re Meredith. That's a big cost.

Michael: I'm not f*ring anyone.

Dwight: Creed might be living here, we could charge him rent.

Michael: ... What?

Creed: Four nights a week, I sleep under my desk, and then three nights I stay at my place in Toronto. They don't know about this job up there. It's a welfare state. Beautiful countries, both of 'em.

Michael: Okay. Here we go. Everybody, you know what? It dawned on me we were all in there watching a movie together before we were so rudely interrupted, Let's get back in there. [no takers] Come on. Movie Monday! Come on, Stanley let's go.

Stanley: [standing at the supply shelf] I'm on the phone.

Michael: Ryan?

Ryan: I'm pretty sure Jan said that we're not supposed to.

Michael: Okay, well, we had scheduled this time to watch a movie together, so I guess I will just go play some online Scrabble.

Dwight: [looks to Angela]

Angela: [shakes her head disapprovingly]

Dwight: The Schrutes are a very loyal breed. But I also have Mannheim blood from my German grandmother. And the Mannheims knew when to cut and run. No sense going down with a losing regime. But the Schrute blood... It's amazing that when these two bloods mix, the whole thing didn't explode.

Michael: So, she sleeps with him, but she is still in love with the head surgeon, um, the McDreamy guy, and she starts crying, but the dorky doctor, he's in love with her... [phone rings]

Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. ... Uh, sure, I'll get him for you. [to Michael] It's Jan for you.

Michael: Really?

Pam: Yeah.

Pam: I may have a few weeks ago faked a call from Jan in order to get out of a synopsis of, I think it was, Navy: NCIS. Since then, Michael's been suspicious.

Kevin: Nnnnice. Wow!

Jim: [playing Call of Duty] Oh? Someone's left out in the open, taking a little siesta. Not smart. [sh**t] Yes! Finally k*lled you... [Karen's desk is empty]

Jan: Hey, Jim?

Jim: Hey, Jan.

Jan: How's work going?

Jim: [nervously] Pretty good.

Jan: [kills Jim's character, giggles] Oh, you know what, I gotta see Josh right now, but remind me to tell you what Dwight said to me earlier, okay? You'll get a big kick out of it. [leaves]

Jim: [baffled expression]

Jim: Things are a little bit... different here in Stamford. [shrug] It's not bad.

Season 3 - Episode 04

"Grief Counseling"

[ 03x04 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Hannah: Hey Jimmy. Want to see some pictures of my baby?

Jim: Umm... sure.

Hannah: [shows picture] Here he is.

Jim: [chuckles] He's so cute.

Hannah: And here's his first bath. Warning[/b]: contains nudity.

Jim: That's okay. [Hannah shows pic of husband naked with baby] Oh, no, it's not. I'm sorry, is that your husband in the tub with him?

Hannah: You think we should have left our baby in the tub alone? [Jim shakes head] Talk to me when you have kids.

Jim: Sounds good.

[ 03x04 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Jan: [on the phone] Ed Truck died over the weekend.

Michael: Oh, wow. He...

Jan: Yeah. And I know... I know he was your boss, so I thought you should know.

Michael: Does his family know?

Jan: Yes, they know, Michael.

Michael: But I'm the first in the office?

Jan: I guess, yes. I think it would be appropriate for you to make an announcement to your team, in case they want to pay their respects.

Michael: Okay, yes, sure, I will do that...

Jan: Good.

Michael: ...'Cause I'm the first to to find out. Nobody else knows and it is my responsibility to tell them. Well, good. How are you holding up? Want me to come over? [Jan hangs up]

Michael: Ed Truck died. And it blows. They say that with grief, time makes it worse, which is bad for me because I found out before anybody so I've had more time to be sad.

[ 03x04 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Dwight: Attention, everyone. As you know, Ed Truck is d*ad. If you have any contact information on Rolodex files or in Microsoft Outlook, remove it now. Also, if you have any photographs, Pam will make her shredder available during lunch. That is all.

Dwight: Remembering the d*ad doesn't help anybody. The way to best honor them is to figure out what k*lled them and prevent that thing from k*lling anyone ever again. In this case, some sort of steel exoskeleton to protect the neck, or else a device that allows the head to live separately from the body. I'm working on both.

[ 03x04 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Michael: I would like you all to clear your schedules this afternoon, because I am telling corporate to send in a grief counselor. We need to find out what is blocking you. And that way, we'll be able to honor Ed the way he deserves to be honored. May he rest in peace.

Kevin: ...ces. [chuckles]

Michael: What was that, Kevin?

Kevin: Nothing.

Michael: No, you said something, didn't you?

Kevin: May he rest in pieces. [chuckles] You know, because there's, like, two pieces of him.

Michael: You think that's funny.

Kevin: No. [chuckles]

Michael: You are disgusting.

Dwight: Michael, no need to call corporate. We are supposed to use Toby. He's trained as a grief counselor.

Michael: No, that can't be right.

Toby: Well, I am trained in grief counseling, but, ahh, I don't think that's what they need right now.

Michael: Well, then I guess that makes you about the worst grief counselor in the world, doesn't it?

[ 03x04 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Roy: Hey there.

Pam: Hi.

Roy: So how's your day going?

Pam: Well, I will be spending the entire afternoon in grief counseling for someone I've never met.

Roy: That sucks. [laughs] You guys got it much harder up here.

Pam: Closer to the epicenter, I guess.

Roy: [laughs] Cool, all right.

[ 03x04 Deleted Scene 6 ]

Toby: Well, as you know, Ed Truck passed away. So, I'm here to talk about it if anyone would like to.

Kevin: Not really.

Michael: You're ruining it, already. They should not be given the choice.

Ryan: I did not know Ed Truck. So I will probably spend the day zoning out and planning my weekend. I think Ed would have wanted it that way.

[ 03x04 Deleted Scene 7 ]

Toby: Is anyone having any trouble eating?

Kevin: No.

Toby: Concentrating? Is anyone having trouble getting their work done today?

Stanley: I'm having trouble getting my work done today.

Toby: Well, look, sometimes things crop up later. So, uhh, you should know I'm always available if anyone would like to talk.

Michael: Wow. Wow. No. No. You are the most heartless, soulless person I've ever met.

Toby: Michael, I'm sorry...

Michael: No. No. Shh. Enough. It is going to take me hours to undo all the damage that your have done here. Dwight, Ryan, I want you to take the table out. We're gonna go on a five minute break, and when you come back, we're going to start with a clean slate, and, in the interim, I would like you to forget everything that Toby has said, okay?

Michael: I don't think I'm overstating it when I say that Toby is a plague on this company. And he is worthless. You give people a chance to shine and they blow it, just like you knew they would. Grief counseling is not about, "Are you hungry? Would you like a sandwich?" These people are so far gone, you have to stick a food tube down their throats.

[ 03x04 Deleted Scene 8 ]

Michael: Okay, part of the problem was that Toby talked at you. Now, I am going to talk with you. First off, I want you to be comfortable, because you really can't grieve if you're all tight and buttoned up. So, guys, loosen your ties, just take your jackets off if you want. Ladies, let your hair down. You know what? Even take your shoes off. I wanna get personal and I want you all to really open up. And I want you to know that anything and everything can be said.

Angela: Okay. I don't think Kevin should take his shoes off.

Kevin: My feet do not smell. Angela knows that hyperhidrosis is a medically diagnosed condition.

Michael: I found an exercise in Toby's binder that he managed to miss, that involves screening the part of you that says, "I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna talk about that. That is too private." Here's how it works. I'm going to throw you this ball.

Toby: Yeah, the ball-throwing exercise is in the binder. It's in the section marked, "Fun Ways To Make Brainstorming Sessions Explode With Excitement and Creativity."

[ 03x04 Deleted Scene 9 ]

Roy: Hey, my cousin Billy, they just had the twins.

Pam: Really?

Roy: Yeah.

Pam: Wow, I thought that was supposed to be, like, next month.

Roy: Yeah, I know. I guess they couldn't wait. I'll bring in a picture if you...

Pam: Yeah, I'd love to see them. Oh, and tell them I say, "Congratulations."

Roy: Sure.

Pam: I should probably head back in.

Roy: Yeah?

Pam: But, umm, thanks for the break.

Roy: No problem.

Michael: [in his office playing with a Dunder Mifflin Truck when it drops and the "head" of the Truck comes off]

[ 03x04 Deleted Scene 10 ]

Pam: Michael once told me that Home Alone is the saddest movie ever. When I asked him why, he said, "Because the whole family forgets the kid at home. There is nothing funny about that."

[ 03x04 Deleted Scene 11 ]

Michael: That's... Hold it, hold it, hold it. Start, like, right in there. [Dwight digs hole in ground] Just dig.

Dwight: Ow! God!

Michael: Okay, give it to me. You don't know what you're doing. All right. [Michael starts digging]

Man: Hey! Hey! What are you guys doing over there?

Michael: Nothing. Let's just... all right. [talks to warehouse guys] Guys, do you have a box we could use?

Season 3 - Episode 05

"Initiation"

[ 03x05 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Jan: What I want, Michael, is an hour-by-hour log of how you spend your work time.

Michael: Well, that's really not the way I roll, because sometimes I'm in the zone, and sometimes I'm in the zoning out.

Jan: Zoning out?

Michael: Do you want me to go on Amazon and order you a slang dictionary? Cause I'll do it.

Jan: If you can account for your time...

Michael: Yes, big if.

Jan: ...then maybe corporate can justify your salary.

Michael: A woman spurned.

[ 03x05 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Pam: It's like mommy and daddy are fighting. Except mommy outranks daddy and mommy is way scarier.

[ 03x05 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Dwight: Take a good look at this boy...

Michael: I always do.

Dwight: ...because you are never going to see him again.

Michael: If you lay a finger...

Dwight: Today is Ryan's first sales call and I am bringing this boy home a full-grown man.

Michael: Would you look at that? [Hugs Ryan] [Dwight attempts hug] Damn it, Dwight! Come on.

Pam: Dwight is taking Ryan on a sales call today. So if we find Ryan's body in a heavily-wooded area tomorrow, I owe Jim $30. It's an old bet, but a deal's a deal.

Dwight: I once saw a movie called "Training Day". It starred an African-American and Ethan Hawke. In it, the African-American trains Ethan Hawke with various tests and trials. Today, Ryan is Ethan Hawke, and I am the African-American.

[ 03x05 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Dwight: Get in the car.

Ryan: I don't have a key.

Dwight: Don't you realize the key is inside you? [pretends to pull key out of Ryan's ear]

Ryan: He's the top salesman at the company. He's the top salesman at the company. He's the top salesman at the company. Today's gonna be great.

Dwight: No, but seriously, your ears are the key. 90% of a good sales call is listening, only 10% is talking.

Ryan: Huh.

Dwight: Get in the car. [Ryan knocks the car door] Get... get in the car.

[ 03x05 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Dwight: Sales is not all in here. [wails arms] It's also in here.

Ryan: What was that first thing you did?

Dwight: [wails arms] You know, selling, typing, dialing.

Ryan: Oh.

Dwight: What is that in your ear? [pretends to pull beet seed out of Ryan's ear] A tiny beet seed. You need to clean your ears better.

Ryan: It's going okay. I've already learned more about beet agriculture than I ever thought I'd know.

[ 03x05 Deleted Scene 6 ]

Michael: "9:00 to 10:00, checked in with receptionist. Met with Jan, RE[/b]: log. Lost log. Found log." "10:00 to 11:00, light salad, three points." That's on the wrong page.

Pam: Hey, let's focus today. Make today all about focus. I'll help you.

Michael: Okay. That sounds good. [puts banana in toy mouth that's in his mouth] [laughs] Yes. Actually, today's a good day to do that.

Pam: Yeah.

[ 03x05 Deleted Scene 7 ]

Ryan: You know, every time I think I h*t rock bottom at my job, the floor opens up, like at a carnival ride. I'm gonna retrace my steps. College, four-year degree, student loans, business school, alone in a beet field. I... there's a step missing. "Hey, mom." "Hey, Ryan. How's that five-year plan coming?" "Oh, it's great. Today, I knelt down in cow manure and I got abandoned in a beet field." "Oh, that's cool." "Yeah, that's really cool. I'm learning a lot. I'm really glad I took this full-time job."

[ 03x05 Deleted Scene 8 ]

Dwight: Sales is about people, Ryan. About understanding them and learning how to get along with them. Case study[/b]: me. To understand me, you have to know that I work in the city, but I live here on this small, beautiful farm. It's a family farm. Many Schrutes were born here and many of us end up here. My grandfather was a good man who did some very bad things. What the... Damn it! Those kids! [discovers two teenagers naked, running] You! You, get out of here! This is not a cheap motel! This is a farm and cemetery! Freaks! You're lucky I don't have my crossbow! Let me show you the compost pile.

[ 03x05 Deleted Scene 9 ]

Kevin: [in the kitchen and Stanley comes in and swipes Kevin's pretzel without Kevin seeing] sh**t.

Stanley: There's four things that I love. My wife, my daughters, Pam Grier, and a hot, chewy roll of buttered dough.

[ 03x05 Deleted Scene 10 ]

Michael: What makes them so good?

Stanley: I do not know.

Michael: I mean, they're just dough twisted up with some candy. They taste so good in my mouth.

Stanley: That's what she said. [Stanley and Michael both laugh]

[ 03x05 Deleted Scene 11 ]

Karen: Look, I've never seen a Clint Eastwood movie.

Jim: See, that's weird.

Karen: But if you said "Go ahead, make my day," I would know that it's from "Dirty Harry". How can you not know that's from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"?

Andy: Yo, mama! Ask me how bad I wanted to bone Jennifer Grey.

Jim: I saw the movie. I just don't know every line from the film.

Andy: Seriously, you guys, ask me.

Karen: You didn't know that "Bueller?" was from Ferris Bueller?

Andy: Let's just say, me and Jennifer Grey probably would've broken a few laws.

Season 3 - Episode 06

"Diwali"

[ 03x06 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: How do I explain this to Jan?

Kelly: Um, well, basically, it's like a really big party, and everybody gets super-dressed up, and there's a bunch of different gods, and each of the gods has a special power, like the Care Bears, you know?

Michael: Oh, please, stop talking. Three words or less.

Kelly: Like, an Indian Halloween?

Michael: An Indian Halloween. Okay, great. [to phone] Pam, could you put Jan on, please?

Pam: [on phone] Michael, you're on with Jan.

Michael: Hello, Jan.

Jan: Michael, what is this about you letting everyone leave work early today?

Michael: Well, I was letting everybody go to the big Diwali party.

Jan: What is Diwali?

Michael: What is Diwali?

Jan: Yes.

Michael: You don't know what Diwali is? Wow, Jan. I'm surprised. It's the Hindu festival of lights. I just assumed you'd be familiar with it. It's the most sacred and honored Hindu holiday in the world. It's like Christmas, Easter, and Halloween---

Jan: Mich---

Michael: ---rolled into one.

Jan: Oh.

Michael: I bet you're not even aware that our own Kelly Kapoor, who works in...

Kelly: Um, customer service.

Michael: ... customer service is a Hindu person.

Jan: Oh.

Michael: And.

Jan: Yes, of course, I know Kelly.

Michael: Yeah.

Jan: I thought she was Muslim.

Kelly: What? I'm not Muslim!

Jan: Well, I think it sounds lovely. I think it sounds like a good idea.

Michael: You do?

Jan: Yes, of course. It's important to celebrate our company's rich diversity. And, and in fact, Michael, if you had planned better, we might have been able to charter a bus to the event---

Michael: Oh, I dunno about that.

Jan: ---or, or, or been a sponsor for the party itself.

Michael: For Kelly, that seems a bit much.

Jan: Hey, one person is an integral part of the fabric---

Michael: [hangs up]

Kelly: She's so wonderful.

Michael: Yeah, you should see her naked.

Michael: I had promised Carol a romantic evening on the town. Um, I wanted to take her on this spooky hay ride thing, but it was like seventy dollars a person, and she's allergic to hay. So I said, "Pop a Claritin, and I will spot you the seventy bucks," and she's like "I don't like to borrow money or take unnecessary medication." And I'm like, "Well you're really not gonna like what I slipped in your drink last night." And she's like, "What the hell are you talking about?" And I'm like, "I'm kidding. I didn't put a roof..." [cracks himself up] ... We laughed so hard... It was hilarious... oh... [calms down] So yes, I'm very excited about the Diwali party.

[ 03x06 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Kevin: For Diwali 07, you must consider Scrantonicity. For a fraction of the cost of this DJ, you could have the rocking sound stylings of a Police cover band.

Mrs. Kapoor: No Police cover.

Kevin: No, okay, well, let me send you a demo, and... Better yet, I'll give Kelly the demo, and she can give it to you. It'll save us both on postage.

Mr. Kapoor: [nods]

Kevin: Excellent.

[ 03x06 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Carol: You're the temp!

Ryan: Um, yeah. [shakes her hand] Ryan.

Carol: Hi, I'm Carol.

Ryan: Hi, nice to meet you.

Carol: The wavy brown hair and blue eyes.

Ryan: Ah.

Carol: Michael talks about you... a lot.

Ryan: Yeah.

Carol: Top of your class at business school, and you live on Shady Hill Road, right?

Ryan: Wow, um... Sorry you had to...

Dwight: Does Michael talk about me a lot?

Carol: [pause] Yes.

Dwight: He does? What does he say.

Carol: He says... "I love him." He loves you.

[ 03x06 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Andy: At Cornell, in my fraternity, my house name was "Hubble" because I was so good at finding a party. I was like a powerful space telescope, so... Freshman year, when my skin was still really bad, they called me El Guapo.

Andy: Yeah. Big Tuna, tuna?

Jim: Nope, I got eel.

Andy: [speechless]

Karen: [looking for Jim's sushi] Eel... eel.

Andy: Didn't see that coming.

[ 03x06 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Michael: And perhaps the most important person to Indian culture, Sir Ben Kingsley. Because of him, the British left India, and then he became an actor like Ronald Reagan.

Pam: Michael?

Michael: Yeah?

Pam: Your shirt is buttoned wrong.

Michael: So, any questions?

Season 3 - Episode 08

"The Merger"

[ 03x08 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: And this is, don't tell me, Martin... Ne... Ne...Nack.

Dwight: Nash.

Michael: Martin Nash. Okay.

Dwight: Male, age 37...

Michael: Good.

Dwight: Mocha complexion. Supplier relations. Either caught a fish or was standing next to a man who caught a fish in Key West, Florida.

Michael: What are you talking about?

Dwight: [holds up piece of paper] It wasn't clear on the Google Image search.

Michael: All right, just...

[ 03x08 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Jim: Hey, Kev. How you doing?

Kevin: Hey, man. Good. Listen, my M&M's are under the desk if you want any.

Jim: Okay.

Kevin: Hidden from [whisper] them.

Jim: Smart. Good. [to Angela] Hey, Angela.

Angela: You need a hair cut.

Jim: Bye, Angela. All right, Kev.

Kevin: See you later, Jim.

Jim: See you later.

Kevin: [to Angela] It's his first day back.

Angela: His hair's flipping out on the sides.

Kevin: [smiles] I like it.

Angela: Oh, my Lord.

[ 03x08 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Pam: This is weird with you facing the other way.

Jim: Yeah, I never even knew that part of the office existed. [Pam chuckles] Hey, who's that guy? [Jim points to Stanley]

Pam: That's Stanley Hudson.

Jim: Huh.

Pam: He's one of our salesmen.

Jim: Seems like a nice enough guy.

Pam: Oh very.

Jim: What about, uh.. [points at Meredith]

Pam: Hmm, that is... Janet Fenstermaker.

Jim: Really?

Pam: [Pam nods head] You should say hi. Use her full name.

Jim: Thank you for all of this. This is so helpful. You know what? One last question. Um, who is that fine older gentleman in the corner? [points to Creed]

Pam: Uh, that is Creed Bratton. He has four toes and he fought in the Civil w*r.

Jim: For the North.

Pam: For both sides. Whoever paid more.

Jim: Obviously.

Pam: Yeah.

Ryan: Hey, uh sorry. Seriously, can you guys... I'm trying to get some work done.

Jim: Sorry. Man. [Pam hesitates and then leaves]

Ryan: Thanks.

[ 03x08 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Karen: Hey, nice thermos.

Meredith: [notices Karen has same thermos as herself] Hey. That's funny.

Karen: Yeah.

Meredith: [holds out flask] Do you want a little?

Karen: Uh no, I'm fine, thank you.

Meredith: Okay. If you change your mind, you just let me know, okay?

Karen: Yeah, I'm okay, thanks.

Meredith: That's cool.

[ 03x08 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Andy: [approaching Kevin to shake hand] Hi, Andy Bernard.

Kevin: Kevin Malone.

Andy: Nice to meet you.

Kevin: What's that on your shirt? [points to Andy's shirt]

Andy: That is a penguin. You like it?

Kevin: The Penguin.

Andy: Andy, or Andrew.

Kevin: Okay, Penguin. [laughs]

Michael: Smiles.

Andy: Yeah.

Michael: Good, what's funny?

Kevin: Michael, have you met the Penguin?

Michael: Oh, nicknames, yay! Penguin power.

Andy: Ha, that's why I wore this shirt.

Michael: Good.

[ 03x08 Deleted Scene 6 ]

Michael: Hey, girls. What's happening? Startinng to blend? Well, before long, you guys keep hanging out, you guys you are gonna share the same menstrual cycle.

[ 03x08 Deleted Scene 7 ]

Martin: [sniffs. Pans to Creed eating his mungbeans.]

[ 03x08 Deleted Scene 8 ]

Hannah: [pushing back desk item] Here you go.

Meredith: That was in your way?

Hannah: Um

Meredith: Sorry.

Hannah: Yeah, I mean my stuff's coming over, but umm... is this...is this yours? [holds up travel mug]

Meredith: [takes mug] Yes.

[ 03x08 Deleted Scene 9 ]

Andy: Hey Kevin.

Kevin: Yeah.

Andy: Have you lost weight?

Kevin: Well... I... Hey. You've never met me before.

Andy: I know, but you just give off the vide of a guy who's getting thinner.

Kevin: Well, thanks. I appreciate that.

Andy: You're welcome.

[ 03x08 Deleted Scene 10 ]

Kevin: You know who I really like? That guy, Andy.

[ 03x08 Deleted Scene 11 ]

Michael: Can't we all get along? No, we can't. But here's the thing[/b]: yes, we can. Well, why not? Because of differeneces. Well, can we overcome these differences? No. Can we find each other and connect with each other in spite of these differences? No, we can't. But, we have to try and that is why I created the Integration Celebration.

[ 03x08 Deleted Scene 12 ]

Michael: I need somebody to pick a card. [Dwight raises hand] One of the new people, please? Tony? [Tony walks away]

Andy: [gets up] I'll do it.

Michael: All right. Good. Thank you. [Andy picks a card] Do not look at your card. Now, I've always said that to be a great salesman is to have the ability to connect with people right here [puts hand over heart]. So to be a great salesman is to be a king of hearts. Turn over your card.

Andy: [turns over card] King of hearts.

Dwight: [starts clapping] Very good Michael. Really good. [Michael shushes Dwight]

Michael: So I think in order for us all to work together well we must come together as a family and then we can all be [starts to fan out the rest of his cards facing the group showing kings of hearts] a king of hearts.

Andy: [claps] That was fantastic.

Dwight: [clapping] No, no, it's better than fantastic. It's super perfect.

Michael: Dwight, don't, don't be a suck up.

[ 03x08 Deleted Scene 13 ]

Michael: What I want all of you [points at Scranton branch] to do is approach one of the new people and tell them the one thing that you like most about them. Who wants to start? Who wants to give it a sh*t?

Meredith: [raises hand] I want to.

Michael: Okay Meredith, let's give it a sh*t.

Meredith: [to Martin] I love your complexion. It's like devil's food cake.

Martin: Thank you.

Michael: [clapping] Beautiful. Very good, nice.

[ 03x08 Deleted Scene 14 ]

Dwight: It just goes to show you, you play with f*re and you are gonna singe your eyebrows. And they do not grow back the same way. [takes of glasses and points to right eyebrow]

[ 03x08 Deleted Scene 15 ]

Andy: It is inspiring to me to watch you navigate these murky waters.

Michael: Okay.

Dwight: Bull... [bleep] [clears throat] Sorry.

Michael: We heard it.

Jim: Yeah.

Michael: We heard what you said. You didn't cover it at all.

Dwight: I had a tickle in my throat.

Michael: [points at camera] They're gonna have... You can't say that, all right?

Dwight: I can't say [clearinng throat noise]?

Michael: [clearing throat noise] Idiot. Dwight's an idiot! Did you catch that or did... did the cough cover it?

Dwight: Sometimes it hurts Michael.

Michael: [cleaing throat] You're a jerk. Dwight's a jerk!

Season 3 - Episode 10/11

"A Benihana Christmas"

[ 03x10/11 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: William Randolph Shakespeare once wrote in one of his plays, and I'm paraphrasing here, "Love doth be poison." Brilliant. And a lot of people don't give Shakespeare enough credit. They think it was somebody else. A-holes.

[ 03x10/11 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Angela: When Michael suggested canceling Christmas, I was outraged, not on my behalf, but on behalf of baby Jesus. I mean, would he cancel Christmas because he got dumped or he was two weeks behind on his party planning, on top of the fact that his cats were ill? I think not. I think baby Jesus would suck it up and plan his party.

[ 03x10/11 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Karen: We didn't have a party planning committee in Stamford. Somebody would just volunteer to run out to Carvel and pick up an ice cream cake. So the fact that they have a committee here, fascinating.

[ 03x10/11 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Angela: This is ridiculous. I... I've spent so much time, like I always do. And for that little trollop to come in here and throw her own party... Are you even listening to me?

Toby: Angela, what do you want me to do?

Angela: I want you to tell her to stop, Toby. Am I being clear?

Toby: [sighing] Look, it's a free country. If she wants to throw a party...

Angela: What are you...?

Toby: ...using her own money...

Angela: And what...

Toby: ...then she should be allowed to.

Angela: No she shouldn't.

Toby: The more the merrier.

Angela: [Angela slaps Toby on the face.] Stop it.

Toby: Oww.

Angela: I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention to hurt you, but I want to wake you up to the injustice that's going on right in front of your face.

Toby: That really hurt. I'm writing you up. [Angela makes an angry face] Hey, you are not allowed to touch other employees. Am I being clear?

Angela: Michael was so right about you. You are pathetic.

[ 03x10/11 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Creed: I don't care which party I go to. Once you've danced naked at a hash bonfire with the spirits of the d*ad, all parties seem pretty much the same.

[ 03x10/11 Deleted Scene 6 ]

Kevin: I think I'll go to Angela's party, because that's the party I know.

[ 03x10/11 Deleted Scene 7 ]

Phyllis: Where would you like the Rice Krispy Treat stars?

Angela: They're Sugarplum fairy wands.

Phyllis: Sugarplum fairy wands.

Angela: It's like you weren't even at the meeting.

[ 03x10/11 Deleted Scene 8 ]

Stanley: I'm going to the party in the break room, because they have more chairs in there. If I have to stand around a long time, I get real unpleasant to be around.

[ 03x10/11 Deleted Scene 9 ]

Angela: [Phyllis puts down phone] Hmm hmm. [Phyllis gets up and goes to Angela's party]

[ 03x10/11 Deleted Scene 10 ]

Michael: No, no, no, no. You know what, I better hold off. I wanna make sure I don't dial Carol before I get drunk.

Jim: So, really, you're just calling her?

Michael: Yeah. You know what? I am. I'm gonna call her. That's a good idea.

Dwight: [from across the table] Where's Michael going? Michael? Is he sick? Is he choking?

Michael: [on [phone] No, I don't think I'm asking too much. I think it's only fair that you tell me exactly what I did wrong. Okay. Uh huh. Well that... yeah. Uh huh. All right. Well, could you tell me something that I did right?

[ 03x10/11 Deleted Scene 11 ]

Ryan: [knocks on office wall] Hey.

Kelly: Hello, Ryan.

Ryan: Merry Christmas. [hands over a gift]

Kelly: Oh, thank you. Do you always get presents for your ex-girlfriends?

Ryan: Okay, we're never technically... um is there.. Is there a problem?

Kelly: Well, I didn't get you anything, because you have treated me inconsiderately, and I'm not gonna stand for that anymore.

Ryan: Um That's... That's fair. I'm sorry. Merry Christmas. [Ryan starts walking away.]

Kelly: [runnning after him] Wait, Ryan, you're not mean. You're adorable. I'm so sorry. I got you a present, too. But then when I got to work, I didn't see anything on my desk from you, so I threw it away. And then Asuncion took the trash out, that's why I think it's in the dumpster. I'm so sorry. I'm the worst. [Kelly hugs Ryan]

[ 03x10/11 Deleted Scene 12 ]

Angela: There's no fizz in this punch. Phyllis!

Phyllis: I'll just go get a ginger ale.

Angela: No, I've got it, Phyllis. Stay. Have fun. Eat your wand.

[ 03x10/11 Deleted Scene 13 ]

Ryan: [talking to Kelly in dumpster] Hey, Kelly, you know what? Throw my gift away, too.

Kelly: [from inside dumpster] No, you paid money for that CD.

Ryan: I'm serious. It'll show that we don't care about material things.

Kelly: I don't understand.

Ryan: Kelly, I'm so cold!

Kelly: [starts to cry] You don't have to scream at me.

Ryan: Are you having fun in this relationship?

Kelly: Sometimes.

Ryan: I don't know Kelly, sometimes I look at us and I think...

Kelly: [crying] Don't dump me while I'm in the dumpster. Just go back inside if you're so cold. I'll just stay in the dumpster. [Ryan smirks]

Ryan: [both inside dumpster] Did you look over here?

Kelly: Who's eating all these apples?

Ryan: Kelly.

Kelly: And what are these? Are... Why are there egg yolks in here? Aren't you supposed to eat the yolks?

Ryan: Michael was on an egg-yolk diet. He's so weird.

Kelly: Do you think I should diet?

Ryan: No, you're perfect. [Kelly gasps] What? Did you find it?

Kelly: No, I'm scared.

Ryan: All of a sudden?

Kelly: Uh huh. Hold me.

[ 03x10/11 Deleted Scene 14 ]

Michael: Oh, honey, here's Stanley.

Second Cindy: Hi.

Michael: He is also in an interracial relationship, so, you know, if you have any problems, you can always call him.

Stanley: Oh, you're gonna face far greater problems than I can possibly help you with.

Michael: Sounds good. Okay, let's go.

Season 3 - Episode 12

"Back From Vacation"

[ 03x12 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: I just had the best, most romantic week of my life in Sandals, Jamaica. Went with a lady, and we laid on the beach and drank fruity drinks for free, because it was all-inclusive. And then I flew back to Scranton, and then they lost one of my bags.

Michael: Hey, Mister tally man, tally me banana, six hand, seven hand, eight hand, BRUNCH! [snickers] So delicious. Dinner, too. And every morning I would watch the sunrise and I would eat a mango. That is how I want to feel all the time. It's called island living. You know, how they say take a chill pill? In Jamaica, I took one. Guy on the beach sold it to me for $40. And after I finished vomiting, I was more relaxed than I ever have been. Lost six pounds, too. That's how I want every day to be.

Pam: Michael sends me a postcard from every vacation he goes on. Atlantic City, he wishes I was here. Busch Gardens, Virginia, all I got was this lousy postcard. And this time, I'm Jamaican-him-crazy. I don't know how far away he thought he was, because he put $10 worth of stamps on this.

[ 03x12 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Dwight: Hello, you're back.

Michael: Yeah, mon. Me just got back to the office.

Dwight: While you were gone...

Michael: Me had an i-rey time.

Dwight: While you were gone, Jim glued my desk drawers together. He changed my voicemail so that my voice sounded like a chipmunk. He told me that we had a meeting at 4:00 AM, and I was the only one who showed up.

Michael: Dwight, please, please.

Dwight: He turned over my...

Michael: I just got back from vacation, mon, all right? So chill. Let's don't... Don't harsh my mellow, mon.

Dwight: I took a vacation once. Never again. While I was away, Jim had my desk shipped to me in Roswell.

[ 03x12 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Michael: Presents. I got presents for everybody. Dwight, a genuine Rastafarian wig.

Dwight: Unbelievable.

Michael: Andy, I got you a genuine Jamaican T-shirt. They love Milli Vanilli down there.

Andy: I give thanks, mon.

Michael: You are so welcome, mon. Angela, you just got leied. [puts lei on Angela]

Angela: No, I didn't.

Michael: Yes, you did. Okay. Oh, Pam, I forgot to get you something.

Pam: That's okay.

Michael: I'm just kidding. Coconuts for your coconuts!

Pam: No.

Michael: [laughs] Try it on.

Pam: No.

Michael: Go ahead. Let me know if I miscalculated the size. I don't think I did.

Pam: Thank you.

Michael: Stanley, I got you some ganja. I'm just kidding. It's coffee. I bet you wish it was ganja.

Michael: I just got back from vacay. Come on. Give me a break, man. [holds up CD] Waves over Jamaica, $6.99.

Creed: Did he actually give you some ganja?

Stanley: No.

Creed: You want some?

[ 03x12 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Michael: Okay, let me tell you a little story. When I was on vacation, I met a man named Bavon. And Bavon takes people parasailing. And you know what he said to me? He said that he loves going to work every day. How many of you can say that you love going to work every day like Bavon? [Dwight and Andy raises hand] No one.

Kevin: But, Michael, Buvon gets to go parasailing every day, and that's fun.

Michael: His name is Bavon. And you know what? I'm sure Bavon gets sick of his job, too. I'm sure he would like to take a day off. I'm sure he would like to spend a vacation selling paper, but he has the right attitude. And that is something that you learn when you go to Jamaica, and you really apply yourself.

Michael: I would love to take them all to Jamaica, but is that good management? Yes. But is it the best management? Well, I can't afford it, and corporate won't pay for it. So who's the real criminal?

[ 03x12 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Michael: How many of you know the meaning of the Jamaican term, Hakuna Matata?

Jim: [raises hand] Are you stoned?

Michael: I...

Jim: In the picture, are you high?

Michael: Oh, that's red eye.

Jim: Is that not what happens when you're high?

Kevin: You look like you have the munchies.

Michael: Well...

Kelly: I have the munchies. I'm gonna get some of those chocolate wafers.

Michael: Hey, can we just focus?

Pam: Michael and Jan together in Jamaica. I guess I would just need a little bit more evidence than seeing it with my own eyes.

Ryan: I don't know if Michael and Jan really went to Jamaica, because Michael's way into Photoshop. For example, I never went with him to Egypt. [holds up picture with Michael and himself in Egypt]

[ 03x12 Deleted Scene 6 ]

Phyllis: Where did you save the list of exchanges?

Stanley: I will gladly give you that information when my bonus comes through.

Phyllis: But I won't be able to do inventory without it.

Stanley: Then you won't be able to do inventory.

Phyllis: Yeah, I really like Stanley, but I'm not always sure if he likes me. I guess that's okay, 'cause I don't really like him.

[ 03x12 Deleted Scene 7 ]

Dwight: Come on. Come on.

Michael: Okay. Well, Jan's email password is not Dunder Mifflin, Sandals, Jamaica, Michael, Michael Scott, Jan Scott, or Mrs. Jan Scott.

Dwight: Try Dwight.

Michael: Her passwords aren't going to be Dwight, Dwight. That's stupid. Okay.

Michael: Don't you have some sort of chaser or gobbler thing that you can send out that's able to eat up that other emails? I read about something like that. Well, I am in America and I am online, so I do think it involves you. Uh-huh. And if I were a subscriber, would then you be able to send out the gobbler? I'd... Yes, I will hold.

[ 03x12 Deleted Scene 8 ]

Someone: So your trip to Scottsdale was good?

Jan: Oh yeah, Arizona's beautiful. Yeah. It's great to... great to see my sister.

Someone: Burnt.

Jan: Oh, yeah, I know. I don't... I don't normally lay out in the sun a lot, but, you know, when it's Scottsdale... I was visiting my sister and...

Meredith: When a woman gets older, she'll go just about anywhere with just about anyone. I've done some things I'm not so proud of, but I've seen the world.

Angela: Your body is a temple. You have to respect it. You can't just whore it out.

Kevin: I should be turned on. But, last year, remember, I had that skin cancer scare, and so now all I can think is that I hope she was wearing sunscreen. God, I would love to rub some on her.

Dwight: The worst part about the Internet, when a secret is out, everyone knows. The best part about the Internet, that video of the dancing Indian midget, crossbow.org, massively multiplayer online gaming, i.e. Everquest. I also enjoy online banking.

[ 03x12 Deleted Scene 9 ]

Pam: Okay. So I went on the Internet, and she is not gonna find another apartment for that price. I mean this one is twice as much, and it doesn't have parking. Does she like to park?

Jim: Oh, loves it.

Pam: Okay. This one is the same price but it's got...

Jim: Green walls.

Pam: I think that's mold.

Jim: Ooh... fancy.

Dwight: Spiderman, Peter Parker, would not reveal his love for Mary Jane for fear that she might be captured and harmed by the Green Goblin. Now, if Michael had studied the Spidey principles that I'd drawn up for him, Jan's boobs might not be all over the Internet. [Dwight pretends to sh**t out webs from his palms]

[ 03x12 Deleted Scene 10 ]

Dwight: Attention everyone! May I have your attention, please? Listen up. If we all work really hard and focus, we should be out of here in seven hours. Now, somewhere in these stacks, I have hidden a deck of cards. That should motivate you to keep your eyes open. If you find the deck of cards, you can redeem it with me in exchange for a free soft drink. [Jim shuffles the deck of cards] Get back... Back to work!

Pam: Yes, it is The Island Luau Inventory '07. It's actually a success compared to Disco Audit '05.

[ 03x12 Deleted Scene 11 ]

Roy: What's the problem?

Ryan: We have seven fewer boxes of Canariola copier paper in stock than we're supposed to.

Roy: Let me see this. [scans one box seven times] Looks good to me.

Stanley: I wouldn't have come, but I know Jan is showing up soon. I don't wanna miss the show.

Michael: [Kelly singing] Hey! Hey! Stop your mouth, please.

Kelly: Eighty-six. Eighty-seven. [singing] Eighty-eight. Eighty-nine.

[ 03x12 Deleted Scene 12 ]

Andy: Hey Dwight, I bet I can stack faster than you can.

Dwight: Please, I can double your pace.

Andy: Oh, yeah? Prove it, champ. You ready?

Dwight: Let's go.

Andy: One, two, three, go!

Jim: [Dwight and Andy stacking boxes rapidly] Nice.

Andy: Get out of my way, Jim!

Dwight: Jim, move!

Jim: Okay.

Dwight: Okay.

Andy: Dang it.

Dwight: Two at a time!

Andy: Those aren't straight. Totally crooked. Totally crooked. You're disqualified.

[ 03x12 Deleted Scene 13 ]

Meredith: [to herself] Be careful. [yells as boxes fall on her] Hello? I'm stuck!

Michael: Hey, Stanley, in case I don't see you again after tonight, here is your bonus, $1,000 cash. Keep the change. [hands Stanley a piece of Jamaican currency]

Stanley: There is a butterfly on this. Why?

Michael: It is Jamaican. The exchange rate is 65-to-1. I don't remember in which direction.

Stanley: So it's either worth $15 bucks or $65,000.

Michael: Yes, good luck with that.

[ 03x12 Deleted Scene 14 ]

Toby: You know, I actually lived in Honolulu for a year.

Kevin: Oh, so you've been to a real luau.

Toby: Yeah.

Kevin: Yeah.

Angela: I tried. We didn't have time.

[ 03x12 Deleted Scene 15 ]

Dwight: You're a box short on the black, medium-line ballpoints.

Creed: I don't know what to tell you.

Creed: One year, I had a close acquaintance of mine back a truck in here and clean out this whole place. That was a very good year. I think they blamed it on some kid.

Season 3 - Episode 17

"Business School"

[ 03x17 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: Well ultimately I went into business to inspire people. They say those who can't do, teach. I can do both. I teach doing.

[ 03x17 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Jim: OK, here we go... Digest of business terms, CliffsNotes on business economics, and a sales encyclopedia.

Michael: Wow! That's a lot of books, do you have, umm, one book that sums up all of these.

Jim: Those are the books that sum up the other books.

Michael: So no?

Jim: What are you reading?

Michael: Oh, umm, ever since I started here, I've kept a diary of all my sales.

Jim: Oh, that could be interesting.

Michael: No, it's just mileage mostly, but there's one chapter that I call wisdoms. I'm going to read you a series of statements, and I want you to tell me, on a scale of one to ten, how smart they are.

Jim: [clears throat] I am ready.

Michael: Don't do what I say, say what I do.

Jim: Five.

Michael: Just getting warmed up. Mistakes are just successes that you mess up.

Jim: Hmm... Five.

Michael: This... You know this is a scale of one to ten?

Jim: Yeah.

Michael: OK. Do you want me to repeat that?

Jim: No, I got it.

[ 03x17 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Creed: [motions to phyllis's desk]

Stanley: She's on her honeymoon. She won't be back for six weeks.

Creed: I'll wait. [sighs]

[ 03x17 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Meredith: Here's a joke for you. Why did Pam hook up with Roy at Phyllis's wedding?

Angela: Don't Meredith.

Meredith: You ready?

Oscar: You know I don't like to participate in the...

Meredith: Why did Pam hook up with Roy at Phyllis's wedding?

Oscar: Really, it's just that I don't like to participate...

Meredith: Grow up.

Oscar: It's just... I'm sorry... It's gossip, and I don't think it's healthy.

Meredith: Get over yourself.

Oscar: Well, I'm not going to get over myself... it's wrong.

Meredith: Because Roy use to... [long censor beep]... with the rice... [long censor beep]... [laughs]

Oscar: [laughs] That's disgusting.

Meredith: [still laughing] I know.

[ 03x17 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Michael: Everybody please stand, and get up on your desks. [goes to stand on desk] Just stand right up.

Ryan: Michael it's not... It's not...

Michael: That's, yep a little flimsy. Umm... OK... Ahh... Alright, no more desks. Oh OK.

Michael: I have a lot of big ideas, and the trick is to get it out of my brain and into theirs, in a way that is easy to swallow. Simple... [holds up snickers] Kids love candy bars.

Michael: Lets try a little... Little social experiment here. Raise your hands if you like to buy things. OK, I see some people who like to buy things. You're it, you are the reason this world rolls along, give yourselves a round of applause. Say, say you want to start a business, and business is all about buying and selling, is it not? So say you want to sell lemonade, or stickers. Something you have to keep in mind, you must, and you might want to jot this down, you must sell the stickers for more than you bought the stickers for.

Student 1: How have you adopted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world?

Michael: Oh, Oh, I take umbrage to that premise...ses. Umm, let me ask you this[/b]: How many people exist in the world? Over forty billion. What are they going to be writing on... rocks? Any one else? [points] Yep.

Student 2: Just following up on that first question...

Michael: No no no no no. Never follow, always lead.

Student 2: OK.

Michael: OK.

Student 2: New question.

Michael: Very good.

Student 2: In the digital age...

Michael: OK.

Student 2: ... email...

Michael: Bop bop de Bope bop bop bop bop bop. You only have me for a limited time... Yes.

Student 3: Do you believe your high fixed cost are warranted given your diminishing market share.

Michael: How can I put this? That question makes you sound gay.

[ 03x17 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Karen: [Karen sees Pam's art show flyer on the cabinet door, she looks around to make sure no one is looking, then proceeds to rip in down, Oscar comes out of the bathroom, Karen acts like she was just looking at it and then walks out of the kitchen]

[ 03x17 Deleted Scene 6 ]

Dwight: BAT!

Meredith: [comes out of the bathroom... screams... runs back into the bathroom]

Dwight: What is a leader? I asked Jim that, and he said he had never heard the word before. In America, in 2007. He said he knew the word ladder... What an ignoramous.

Meredith: [Bat hanging from ceiling cleaning itself] I really want to come out.

Dwight: You want rabies? Be my guest.

[ 03x17 Deleted Scene 7 ]

Pam: [looking with Kevin at the art show flyer] Should be fun.

Kevin: Your name looks really nice.

[ 03x17 Deleted Scene 8 ]

Creed: Goodnight Mary-Beth.

Kelly: Hope she's OK.

Angela: Just goes to show the power of prayer.

Kelly: You prayed for this?

Angela: In a general sense.

[ 03x17 Deleted Scene 9 ]

Kenny: So cool you're back with Roy. Maybe we can rent that cabin on the lake again this summer.

Pam: Yeah, that'd be nice.

Kenny: There'll be two of you and only one of me this time, since Denise left me. So I think it's fair I only pay a third.

Pam: Yeah that seems fair.

Season 3 - Episode 18

"Cocktails"

[ 03x18 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Karen: I think it's great that Jim's invited. It's important to have contact with the New York execs, or they'll think everyone here is like Mi...chael.

[ 03x18 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Roy: [Points to Pam's painting of the building] [laughs] You gotta sign that.

Pam: [laughs]

Roy: No you gotta put your name in the corner. I've seen that artist do that. Its good too, cause like you can know who paints what, you know.

[ 03x18 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Ryan: Hey, are you going to Poor Richard's?

Toby: I don't know, you?

Ryan: Maybe.

Kelly: I'm going and so are both of you. We're all going.

Ryan: Hey, isn't there some rule against inter-office dating?

Toby: [whispering] I am not doing your dirty work for you.

Kelly: I hear whispering.

[ 03x18 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Jim: Ok, so promise that you'll wait till we leave the parking lot before you go to the bar.

Pam: Yes boss.

Karen: See ya Pam.

[ 03x18 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Kevin: Oscar, Angela? I didn't think you guys would come.

Angela: Why wouldn't we come?

Kevin: Because of reasons...

Kevin: Are there carbs in vodka?

Waiter: Hey folks, what can I get you? Oh, hey Meredith.

Meredith: Hey

Waiter: Another vodka?

Meredith: Yeah. Jack, these are my co-workers.

Kevin: Sup?

Waiter: [pointing to each correct person] Ryan, Pam, Stanley, Kelly, Kevin, Creed. How'd I do?

Stanley: Hmm, come here much?

Oscar: These wings are all fat and bone.

Angela: This place is disgusting. [They smile at each other]

[ 03x18 Deleted Scene 6 ]

Dwight: Why would the architect design stairs this wide? Was there an obese family in here before you?

Rachel: I don't know that. I'm sure the architect passed away many years ago.

Dwight: How convenient.

[ 03x18 Deleted Scene 7 ]

Jan: I am attracted to weird, wrong men. I dated a violent karate instructor and then an unemployed fireman. Life has been complicated. I've made some decisions that I'm not proud of; my marriage, being overly litigious with my family. I orgasm fairly easily. Michael was kind of like my dirty secret, you know, having sex with him, oh I was just turned on by my own degradation. Um, why, anyway, I was told by somebody recently that I respect that I'm old enough to have a mature relationship, and that's what this whole evening is about and I have high hopes.

[ 03x18 Deleted Scene 8 ]

Melissa: [at the door] Hi Ryan.

Ryan: Hey.

Melissa: How are you doing? I've, I've missed you.

Ryan: I've missed you too...

Melissa: Don't you remember me?

Ryan: Um, you ah, you gotta give me a hint. Um, did you meet me at the gym?

Melissa: No.

Kelly: [still at the table] Who the hell is Ryan talking to?

Ryan: [at the door] Are you a client of Dunder Mifflin.

Melissa: No.

Stanley: [at the table] Oh, not again. Melissa!

Melissa: Daddy.

Stanley: Wait for my outside. [To Ryan] She is sixteen years old. What is wrong with you?

Ryan: Okay, okay. Stanley, let me explain to you what happened.

Stanley: No, no, no, no.

Ryan: She came right up to me just like she did when you brought her into work.

Stanley: No, no, no. You planned this whole thing boy. I'll snatch your spine out your back.

[ 03x18 Deleted Scene 9 ]

Dwight: Space shuttle. Which one? Oh, Atlantis. Good thing it's not the Discovery. You play soccer?

[ 03x18 Deleted Scene 10 ]

Michael: What a weird day. I don't understand it, but you don't get to understand everyday of your life. Maybe five, ten days a year, I'll get home and I will have no idea what the hell just happened. Guess everybody has days like that. Sometimes they're the nicest ones. Still, I think there might be something wrong with Jan.

Season 3 - Episode 19

"The Negotiation"

[ 03x19 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: Look, I am not a gazillionaire. I can't... I can't dress like Donald Trump dresses. I have to stay within the parameters of my budget. I can't shop at a fancy Norwegian boutique. I buy my suits the old fashioned way. I buy them from discount stores... or on eBay. And when I found out that Ross was having a midnight madness sale, I ran, not walked, as per the instructions on the flier. And I got there, and when the doors opened, all of these women ran to this one bin. And I did too. And I grabbed this suit. And a woman, sort of a, I don't know, Missy Elliot type, grabbed the jacket. And, uh, we had kind of a heated tug of w*r. And I could tell by the way she was screaming that this must be a get. And I figured she was just buying it for her husband, to answer your question from before. Um, anyway, she s... socked me, in the eye. And she got it, she got the suit. But, I went to the Ross, in Trenton New Jersey, and I found the exact same suit. And I didn't have to deal with Missy Elliot.

Season 3 - Episode 20

"Safety Training"

[ 03x20 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Andy: When people think of Andy, they think of hate and anger. When people think of Drew, they think of baked goods.

Kelly: Oh my God, these cookies have no flavor. How is that possible?

Kevin: They are the worst. Who's this Drew chick?

Phyllis: Drew isn't a girl... She's Andy.

Andy: Oh no, nobody likes my cookies. I'm so angry, argh I want to h*t something. [laughs] Totally kidin' guys.

Andy: Little device I learned to diffuse tension, be the first to make fun of yourself, because if they make fun of you before you do... Then you might lose your mind.

Kevin: [pours the last of the coffee into his mug]

Andy: Ahhh... Is that the last of it?

Kevin: I'm sorry.

Andy: It's OK. I can't always have what I want, but I can always want what I have.

Kevin: Well, would you like a cup of no coffee? 'Cause that's what we have.

Andy: Is it fresh? [winks]

Kevin: Are you going to b*at me up?

Andy: Umm... [draws back arm] No. [laughs]

Andy: People don't need to be afraid of me. I can't achieve anger any more, and I have a new car. Toyota Prius, because Andy didn't care about fuel efficiency, but Drew has seen "An Inconvenient Truth". Nearly twice.

Angela: [walks around Andy's new car keying it]

[ 03x20 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Michael: OK, come on everybody, go time. Pam let's go.

Pam: I thought I'd stay and answer the phones.

Michael: Don't worry Pam, you will be answering phones for the rest of your life... Your long lovely life. [whispers to camera] saved it.

Michael: Here we go.

Dwight: Come on.

Michael: Field Trip.

Dwight: Step lively. Single file everybody.

Michael: Like we're going to the science museum.

Dwight: Let's single...

Michael: Learn by touching.

Dwight: Single... OK.

Michael: I've been told that I'm a tactile learner.

Dwight: Buddy system, everyone buddy up, find a buddy.

[ 03x20 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Kelly: You should work out Ryan, you would look so hot.

Ryan: Totally, we should both work out.

Kelly: Screw you.

Michael: Kelly, Ryan looks great. You should be thankful that you...

Larry: Sir, could you please, please focus on Darryl?

Michael: I...

Larry: Try.

Darryl: Summing up.

Michael: Sum it up Darryl, sum it up.

[ 03x20 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Michael: We got b*at today, Dwight.

Dwight: [sighs]

Michael: But it was not a fair fight.

Dwight: No it was not. Remind me again, what was the fight exactly, who was it between, and what was the outcome?

Michael: It was the warehouse guys...

Dwight: Right.

Michael: ... Dwight, they embarrassed us...

Dwight: Argh!

Michael: ... because they had a much scarier safety presentation.

Dwight: Ghaaa!

[ 03x20 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Michael: You know what's funny? Robin Williams. [sighs] When a cat gets stuck in a washing machine. City Slickers. Talking like Borat. You know what's not funny? Safety, or making fun of the person trying to talk about safety. [in Borat voice] Not nice. I must show people how dangerous office can be. High five... Now that's funny.

Michael: How do you make depression sexy? How do you... How do you get people interested in depression? That is the conon... the conun... the conumbery

Michael: Those warehouse guys, think that we are all flabby, middle management, nerf balls. Well I'm going to show them that we have nerfs of steel. [winks]

[ 03x20 Deleted Scene 6 ]

Andy: [Michael, Andy, and Dwight are standing around a trampoline] You know guys, I recently learned some pretty cool stuff about the difference between feeling something and... acting on that thing.

Dwight: Can you tell Andy to focus on the springs? Please.

Michael: Yeah, Drew.

Andy: Yes bosses.

Michael: You know Drew, why don't you go inside. Dwight come here. Where should we put this?

Dwight: OK, ahh, turn around, and do a broad jump for me on go. Ready... Go! One Mississ... OK, you went that far on one Mississ. Ippi would take you to here. This trajectory times the propulsion from your quadriceps would be about three Mississippi, maybe three and a quarter. So one Mississ... correct... ippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi... e. Right here.

Michael: OK, good. Thank you. Wanna take our time, do this right.

[ 03x20 Deleted Scene 7 ]

Phyllis: [phone rings] Hello? Hi Bob Vance. [laughs]

Karen: That's three times in ten minutes.

Stanley: Where's my five dollars?

Phyllis: You are my little teddy bear. I wantcha.

Stanley: I always knew my co-workers were annoying. I never realized I could profit from it. Go ahead Bob Vance, call Phyllis, all day.

[ 03x20 Deleted Scene 8 ]

Andy: [Michael is up on the roof of the building] Michael, go ahead, we're listening.

Michael: I'm going to wait. I don't want to say this twice, it's too painful and I'm too depressed.

Creed: [talking through bullhorn] Michael, you can not fly, you can not, I've seen this too many times.

Kelly: Give me that thing, I want to try.

Jim: Oh, you know what we should probably preserve the batteries.

Kelly: I was just going to say that [yells toward Michael] you have a cute butt. Oh my God I did not just say that, did I just say that? Oh my God I'm so adorable.

Angela: I know the timings bad, but I hate to be a nudge, but there's stuff that he has to sign that needs to be mailed by four.

Dwight: OK, if he's not down by four, I'll get the papers up to him.

Angela: OK, it's three forty eight.

Jim: OK, Ryan you know what? You can do this.

Ryan: Oh, no, I have no training in this sort of thing.

Jim: Come on.

Stanley: Don't play dumb, you know damn well what we talking about.

Jim: Come on. He'll listen to you.

Everyone: Come on Ryan.

Angela: Let's do it.

Dwight: Come on pretty boy.

Ryan: Michael, you have always taken a great interest in my career.

Michael: I will miss you the most Ryan.

Ryan: Oh, what is your deal man!? Seriously I don't get it.

Andy: Let me borrow that chief. Michael, you don't have to prove anything to anyone but yourself. So don't jump just to prove anything to us. OK? That said, if you need to prove something to yourself, you should jump.

Jim: Oh!

Andy: Up to you.

Jim: No no no!

Andy: If you do jump, I want you to reach for the sky.

Pam: Hey!

Jim: OK. careful, thanks. [takes bullhorn from Andy]

Andy: Grab a comet and kiss the moon! Kiss it!

Kevin: See this is why you always take ten thousand to one. You never know.

Darryl: You own a convertible. Come on man that's, that's hot. Women love that stuff right?

Dwight: It's only leased, and it's got rust damage, he'll never get his deposit back.

[ 03x20 Deleted Scene 9 ]

Michael: Coal miners, crab fishermen, Dog the bounty hunter, all dangerous jobs. But also upper middle management. [takes deep breath] Wow! I could have fallen off a roof today... And you don't worry about falling off a roof when you work on a crab boat... And there are no roofs in coal mines.

[ 03x20 Deleted Scene 10 ]

Andy: [in parking lot] Goodnight Stanley. [sees his car is keyed, just nods his head]

Season 3 - Episode 21

"Product Recall"

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Kelly: Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. And rest assured your voice has been heard. Okay, I'll be thinking about you all day. Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. And rest assured your voice has been heard. Okay, I'll be thinking about you all day.

Ryan: Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. I'll be thinking about you all day. Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. I'll be thinking about you all day. Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. I'll be thinking about you all day.

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Michael: The key to a crisis is dealing with it right away. Like that aspirin company that sent out the poisoned aspirin in the regular aspirin bottles. If you don't act fast, you will lose customers.

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Dwight: Hello, CNN? I need to speak to your Scranton-area bureau chief? All right, then the bureau chief for the Greater Wilkes-Barre area? How about, ah, Lackawanna County. Okay, Northeastern Pennsylvania then. This is extremely urgent! No... you put your supervisor on the phone!

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Kelly: Customer service isn't like accounting. It's not just typing numbers into a calculator and then it tells you an answer.

Oscar: We do a lot more than that.

Kelly: Okay, or hand out checks, or whatever it is you do. Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you think that people don't like you. But guess what, from now on you guys are not losers! So give yourselves a round of applause.

Oscar: I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer phone calls.

Kelly: The annex rocks. All you need to do is make sure that you make a connection with the customer. They just wanna know that you're sorry. Do that and you'll be fine. Make sense?

Angela: Mm-hm.

Kelly: Okay, role-playing time!

Angela: Alright, I think I'm trained.

Kevin: Ooh, can I be a pirate?

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Creed: [hums]

Chad Lite: Hello.

Creed: Hey!

Chad Lite: Excuse me. You're Creed Bratton, guitar player for Grass Roots in the late 1960s.

Creed: I am indeed. How'd you know that?

Chad Lite: I wrote your obituary.

Creed: Oh, oh that's right! Good work. Thank you very much, sir [shakes hand].

Creed: About 10 years ago, for tax reasons, I faked my own death. I've been collecting benefits as my own widow ever since.

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 6 ]

Andy: Oh, my God!

Jim: Oh, my God! Wow.

Andy: I had no idea.

Jim: Then you did nothing wrong. We should go.

Andy: How could I not have realized?

Jim: She looks older.

Andy: Yeah, she does, doesn't she?

Jim: No.

Andy: She acts older, too. She knows everything about European history, and photosynthesis, and she made me this lanyard with, like, a Fimo clay thing. She's a real Renaissance woman.

Jim: Or a high school girl. Let's go [mouths 'wow' to the camera].

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 7 ]

Andy: Chicken pot pie.

Jim: What's that?

Andy: That's what I was eating, in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven for dinner. And I got out of the car to shake the crumbs off my shirt, and this smoking hot woman comes up and we strike up a conversation.

Jim: Oh. You don't have to tell me this.

Andy: She lets me buy her and her friends some wine coolers for a dinner party she's going to.

Jim: You shouldn't be talking about that.

Andy: I threw in some scratch tickets, 'cause generous guy, and next thing you know we're making out in the woods.

Jim: Hypothetically. Hypothetically you were making out in the woods.

Andy: No, we were really making out in the woods.

Jim: No, can't help you now.

Andy: I gotta go talk to her.

Jim: No. D-

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 8 ]

Michael: With dissatisfied clients, it doesn't matter what you did. All they wanna hear is that you're sorry. They're like women that way. And this client is a woman. So when I say I'm sorry, it will be twice as effective.

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 9 ]

Michael: So we're good?

Barbara Allen: No, we're not.

Michael: I'm sorry.

Barbara Allen: Well, okay. But I don't accept.

Dwight: [whispering] Say you're sorry times infinity...

Michael: Okay.

Dwight: ...'cause there's no comeback for that.

Michael: All right. We are infinitely sorry.

Barbara Allen: I'm still furious.

Michael: You understand? You... you get this check.

Barbara Allen: Mmm.

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 10 ]

Spanish Teacher: Can I help you?

Andy: Yeah. I'm Mr. Bernard Johnson, MD. I'd like to talk with Jamie about a certain heart condition. Diagnosis[/b]: broken.

Jamie: Get out of here, Andy.

Andy: Who's this guy?

Jamie: My boyfriend.

Andy: You're such a liar.

Spanish Teacher: Sir? You need to get out of here, before I call the police, okay?

Andy: Yeah, maybe you should call the police. See whose side they take. Warning, most cops are dudes.

Jim: Dr. Johnson, we need you in surgery right away.

Spanish Teacher: What?

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 11 ]

Dwight: I don't believe in apologies. When someone in the yakuza makes a mistake, they cut off a portion of their own pinky finger. And in that way, save face. And knowing the Japanese, they probably get an even better prosthetic finger. With a Kn*fe you can take out of it, or a screwdriver or a corkscrew.

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 12 ]

Angela: Why am I getting all of the bad ones?

Kelly: Why can't you just say you're sorry and make them feel better?

Angela: I'm not gonna lie and say I'm sorry when the company didn't do anything wrong. That's immoral, and this is ridiculous.

Oscar: Would you, please? Please.

Kelly: Well, you have to do what I say, okay? Because Michael put me in charge, even though you're old enough to be my mother.

Angela: What? Well what you say is stupid, and your job is pointless. And you're a slut and everyone thinks so.

Kelly: Well, you're fired, okay? Go back to accounting, Angela.

Angela: Gladly. I quit.

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 13 ]

Kevin: If cartoon characters didn't have sex, then how would we get new cartoon characters? From the sex! [giggles]

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 14 ]

Michael: The customer is always right. Mrs. Allen was our customer. She was wrong. Is that a contradiction? No. Because she's not our customer anymore.

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 15 ]

Pam: Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. My favorite is the one for his mother.

Michael: Hey, Mom. Happy birthday, belatedly. Sorry I forgot. I had put it on my calendar and Pam threw that out.

Pam: My personal favorite is the one he made for his condo association.

Michael: And without denying the seriousness of the situation, I would just like to remind you that in much of the Netherlands, swimming naked is the norm. So in Norway, you'd be the weirdos.

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 16 ]

Jim: Okay, Andy, we need to go. Seriously.

Andy: Dude, there she is. Don't look, don't look. She's sitting with Denise. How am I supposed to do this? Denise hates me.

Jim: Don't do it.

Andy: What is your problem, man? Can't you support a bro? That's why you don't have any friends, Tuna. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just, I need...

Jim: That's okay.

Andy: ...your help. I love her.

Jim: What?

Andy: Yeah. I lo- I love her. Is this what love is? This, like, horrible feeling in my stomach?

Jim: No, that's your conscience. Listen to it.

Andy: Look, okay, just be my wingman. Beer me five minutes. Talk to Denise. She's really into White Russians and whippets.

Andy: Jamie, can I talk to you for a second?

Jamie: Yeah. I only have a minute.

Jim: [sits down next to Denise] So, high school.

Denise: Do you have a cigarette?

Jim: Oh, I don't smoke. Sorry.

Denise: There's nothing to do in this town.

Jim: You should take up a musical instrument.

Denise: Yeah, I should take up that. Jamie?

Jim: Hey, uh, does Mr. Nortman still teach here? He's a jerk, right?

Denise: He's d*ad. Hey, do you have any weed?

Jim: No, nope. What else? What else? You watch The Hills? What is Heidi thinking?

Denise: How old are you?

Jim: How old do you think I am?

Denise: Forty?

Jim: [shakes head]

Denise: Are you someone's dad here?

Jim: Not that I know of.

Denise: Ew. What kind of car do you have?

Jim: I drive a Saab station wagon.

Denise: My dad just gave me his old Lexus.

Jim: Really? Way to earn it. Hey, Andy?

Andy: What?

Jim: Yup.

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 17 ]

Dwight: Very well [hangs up phone]. I just got a call from Debbie Brown over at the mill. She claims innocence and is willing to come over here and defend herself.

Creed: No time. Dwight, I love Debbie Brown. She's a close personal friend. But quality is my life. This company has a reputation to uphold. As much as it pains me, someone has to be held accountable.

Dwight: You're right. Mercy is for girl-babies. Time to put this dog down.

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 18 ]

Michael: Are we ready?

Dwight: Final touch-ups.

Michael: Okay. Am I shiny?

Dwight: Yeah.

Michael: Okay. We good? Okay, that's enough Aqua Net.

Dwight: I don't know...

Michael: [clears throat] Stop it.

Dwight: [coughs]

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 19 ]

Kelly: Hey, Angela. I'm sorry that I said you were old enough to be my mother. I don't know why I said that. I think I might be hypoglycemic or something, but still, it's no excuse. So, I'm very sorry.

Angela: Oh. Thank you, Kelly [long pause]. And I wish I hadn't called you stupid.

Kelly: Do you think I'm a slut?

Angela: No, but some of your outfits are not appr-

Kelly: Apology accepted! [hugs Angela]

Angela: I didn't apologize.

Kelly: We're like best friends now!

Angela: We're not.

Kelly: I'll text you!

Angela: Don't!

Kelly: Bye, Angela!

Angela: Fine.

Kelly: That is all I was looking for today. She got something out of my training session. I mean, she will never work in customer relations. Oh, my God, no. Never. But maybe she'll be less of a grump.

Angela: Kelly's not so bad. She really taught me something today [rolls eyes].

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 20 ]

Michael: I have literally apologized an infinite number of times on this, and there are still calls for me to resign. Calls from an annoying woman, and possibly even the media alike. Well let me tell you something, something from the heart. I will not resign. I need this job. My mortgage is hundreds of dollars a month. With this job, I can barely cover that. I have a company car, but I still have to pay for gas, and gas prices are high. And I have no savings whatsoever. And it wasn't even me. It's so not fair that they want me to resign.

[ 03x21 Deleted Scene 21 ]

Dwight: ...to the fullest extent of the law [hangs up phone]. Listen up, everyone! I just got off the phone with the mill. Final responsibility for Watermark-gate has been assigned. Floor manager Debbie Brown has officially been terminated. Lets give a big hand to Creed Bratton, without whose earnest and diligent sleuthing this scandal might never have been resolved [claps].

Creed: Just doing my job, guys.

Season 3 - Episode 22

"Women's Appreciation"

[ 03x22 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Jan: So how are you liking the Wall Street Journal subscription?

Michael: Love it.

Jan: Are you reading it everyday, like we decided you would?

Michael: Uh, yes, I am.

Jan: Good, good, it's the best business reporting isn't it?

Michael: Uh, yeah, it's okay. Its just, I don't think the cartoons are very funny.

Jan: Wait, wait, what cartoons?

Michael: The a cartoon that goes with each article. This one says Mel Karmazin? I don't, I don't know. I guess I get it.

Jan: [Sigh]

Michael: We should really start recycling.

Jan: Right uh, Michael.

[ 03x22 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Kelly: Hey, what's going on?

Stanley: Phyllis got flashed in the parking lot.

Kelly: [Screams]

Stanley: Okay, you need to stop that right now.

Bob: Phyllis, you okay? You sure?

[ 03x22 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Andy: Hey good lookin', what ya got cookin'?

Dwight: I got nothing cooking, it's cooked. It's borscht and its served cold.

Andy: Hey listen, I'm sure everyone's already told you but, your presentation out there, was pretty inspiring stuff. Must be nice being a woman around here, knowing they have a protector in you.

Dwight: If you are trying to kiss my ass, I would not suggest it. Believe me, you do not want to kiss this ass.

Andy: Borscht, according to Dwight it's best served cold. You know what else is best served cold? Yeah, gazpacho. You see what I'm doing? I am establishing a mutual love of cold soups. This is the first step in my plan to win Dwight's trust.

Andy: I should make you my vichyssoise.

Dwight: I will never be your vichyssoise.

[ 03x22 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Michael: Orgasms, why can women have them? Yep?

Jim: No. I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think this is the place to do this.

Michael: Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be a woman. I have a full-length mirror in my bathroom, and before I get dressed I will tuck myself between my legs just to see. And, um, it's uncomfortable. So maybe I do understand.

[ 03x22 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Kelly: [sings] We're going to the mall. Bye Ryan, bye.

[ 03x22 Deleted Scene 6 ]

Dwight: Lets go, fall out, let's go. Move, move, move, move, move.

Michael: I got g*n. Damn it.

[ 03x22 Deleted Scene 7 ]

Andy: Let me be clear. There's only one thing that's important to me, and its not friendship. Its dominance, and I think I know a thing or two about dominating. Okay, I lived with a dominatrix for three years in Stamford. Mistress Lila. Taught me more than any college professor I ever had, while attending Cornell, which is where I went to school.

[ 03x22 Deleted Scene 8 ]

Michael: Look at that! Come on! Free underwear!

Pam: It is totally inappropriate, but on the other hand...

Michael: Hey, Pam, how bout something like that for you. Could sort of cover up any imperfections in the mid section. Just show off the twins a little bit.

[ 03x22 Deleted Scene 9 ]

Jim: That's pretty cool.

[ 03x22 Deleted Scene 10 ]

Andy: You can make people believe anything. Today I made Dwight believe I like cold soups. Why? I don't know. I don't have to know. That's what makes me so dangerous.

[ 03x22 Deleted Scene 11 ]

Michael: Idiot.

[ 03x22 Deleted Scene 12 ]

Michael: I learned a lot about women today. And any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. Jan and I broke up. Why? Because she didn't like one message I left on her voicemail? But that is her peariagative. I thought I understood women, but maybe, can't believe I'm gonna say this, maybe, women don't understand themselves.

Season 3 - Episode 23

"Beach Games"

[ 03x23 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: So we have about an hour and a half. I suggest that you all go potty now and then we will be congregating on the party bus. Fun on wheels. Only way to travel. Besides a monorail.

Phyllis: Well, Bob was going to just drive me.

Michael: No. No, no, no. No guests today. Classic g*ng only. Just us good friends, and Karen and Andy.

Pam: Sometimes Michael gets nostalgic and he talks about the classic g*ng. That's Michael, me, Jim, Dwight, Angela, Kevin, Oscar, Stanley, Phyllis, Creed, Meredith, Kelly and Ryan. We're a regular Ocean's Eleven.

[ 03x23 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Pam: Jim, David Wallace is calling for you.

Jim: Oh, okay. Hello. Hey, David. Sure.

[ 03x23 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Michael: Pam, you broke up with your boyfriend and then kept working together. How did that work out?

Pam: You remember you fired Roy for attacking Jim and I don't talk to him anymore really.

Michael: Acrimonious.

[ 03x23 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Michael: This way to the party bus. Good.

Meredith: [Sign says 'No Alcohol, No Loud Talking'] Um, What the hell?

Michael: It's a bus that takes you to a party. Here we go.

Meredith: Um, I forgot my...

Michael: Here we go. Come on. Okay, everybody here?

All: Yeah!

Michael: Then, Mr. Driver, we are off like a herd of turtles! Johnny Carson. [Meredith runs to catch up to bus with her large drink cup]

[ 03x23 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Dwight: Seat belts fastened, folks. Safety first. Hey what is all this?

Michael: Nothing.

Dwight: If I guess, will you tell me?

Michael: No.

Dwight: Please?

Michael: No!

Dwight: Is that a sumo suit?

Michael: No.

Dwight: I know, we're putting on a play for Japanese investors.

Michael: No, we are not.

Dwight: Please tell me. I've been so good...

Michael: You are really annoying me. If you don't knock it off...

Dwight: Please.

Michael: ...I'm never gonna tell you anything ever again. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Dwight: Please.

Meredith: Can we please pull over at the next rest stop?

Michael: No. We're only 10 minutes from the lake.

Meredith: Pull over! Pull over! [Meredith uses a bush while all the other passengers look the other way, except Creed]

[ 03x23 Deleted Scene 6 ]

Michael: Yes, I am choosing my apprentice. Which is why I have modeled all my games after Survivor.

Michael: Any questions?

Jim: Just one.

Michael: Yup.

Jim: The torches are lit.

Michael: Yes, for dramatic affect.

Jim: No, Michael, people are blindfolded. That's a hazard.

Michael: Very good, Jim. Pam, please note that Jim is very astute. All right, are we ready?

Jim: Are you not gonna put out the torches?

Michael: Set!

Jim: Okay.

Michael: Go!

[ 03x23 Deleted Scene 7 ]

Phyllis: I think Jim would be a good boss. Plus he's eye candy. It's OK, Bob... Vance knows he's on my list. Um, George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jim, and that British guy that got in trouble with a prost*tute.

[ 03x23 Deleted Scene 8 ]

Andy: It is an honor just to be considered for Michael's job. Honestly. And if I win it, then I will be ordering a pretty sizeable Most Improved Player plaque to put over the hole I punched in the wall.

[ 03x23 Deleted Scene 9 ]

Michael: [sighs] Okay. Pam, who came out best in the race, in your opinion?

Pam: Um, Karen left her blindfold on the longest but she also threw her egg at Jim.

Michael: Because he wasn't following the rules.

Pam: I think they were just having fun.

Michael: But they didn't complete their task, Pam! If people can't carry an egg in a spoon, blindfolded, then what does that tell you about how they will be able to manage a sales report, or conduct a business call?

Pam: It tells me nothing.

Michael: Exactly. Are you sure you're doing that right? Taking an awfully long time.

Pam: There's 800 of them!

Michael: Okay, all right.

[ 03x23 Deleted Scene 10 ]

Michael: It's very important that you all try to eat as many hotdogs as you can...

Meredith: Hotdogs are really unhealthy.

Michael: Son of a bitch. God! Okay. All right you know what? Here we go. On your mark! Get set!

Phyllis: Is there any mustard?

Michael: No mustard! No mustard! Just... eat it. Eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it will slide down your gullet more easily.

Everyone: That's what she said!

Michael: No, no, no, no, not that--- just... come on, you guys, let's do it! I'm serious. Who's got the hungry?

Dwight: I do!

Michael: Who's got the hungry?

Dwight: I do!

Michael: Come on, Ryan...

Dwight: Let's go.

Michael: Ryan, I want to see you with a hot dog in your mouth. Right now.

[ 03x23 Deleted Scene 11 ]

Jim: Karen and I are having our own contest to see who can eat the most normal amount of tuna salad in an unspecified but very cofortable amount of time. I don't know what to tell you. Right now? d*ad heat.

Andy: Keep eating tuna, Big Tuna. Loser!

Jim: He's gonna throw up.

[ 03x23 Deleted Scene 12 ]

Michael: [Dwight and Stanley are in sumo suits] Ready! Go!

Phyllis: The guy who sits behind me and the guy who sits across from me are fighting to see who becomes my boss. [laughs]

Dwight: [Dwight knocks Stanley down] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Eat sand, you fat, old man!

[ 03x23 Deleted Scene 13 ]

Kevin: Oh, I'm out of it. Let's face it, the hot dog-eating contest was my best sh*t.

[ 03x23 Deleted Scene 14 ]

Ryan: Michael, since Andy isn't here, maybe I could be the team captain.

Michael: You? You haven't made a sale.

Ryan: I know, but I'd like to give this a try.

Michael: Don't try to flirt your way into this. Sometimes you really creep me out.

[ 03x23 Deleted Scene 15 ]

Andy: [in sumo suit, waves down a car, which swerves around him, runs after it, waving his arms] Wait! [throws sumo hair-hat at the retreating car]

[ 03x23 Deleted Scene 16 ]

Michael: Andy Bernard is in first place with four hot dogs! Dwight Schrute is a close second with three and a half! Here comes Stanley! Here comes Stanley, with three hot dogs!

[ 03x23 Deleted Scene 17 ]

Michael: This is an inflatable sumo suit. [blows] Now, in the olden days, when they wanted to find a guy who could be king, they would have him pull a sword out of a stone. Well, times have changed. [blows] And it's not even about who is the best sumo wrestler. It's about who is the best boss. And I don't even care who wins. [blows] It's how they wrestle in a blow-up suit... [breathes in] that will tell me all I need to know [blows] or how sumo... [collapses]

Season 3 - Episode 24/25

"The Job"

[ 03x24/25 Deleted Scene 1 ]

David: Where do you see yourself in ten years?

Michael: Well, [clears throat] I've actually done a lot of thinking about that. And in ten years, I am living in a big house, with my kids. And in this house we have screens on the walls that have famous art on them and I have a remote that works everything, that has like a belt-loop attachment, or in my ear, like a gluetooth. And, because it's the future, I can take just a little tiny pill and get all my vitamins for the whole day.

David: A... multivitamin?

Michael: Well, I don't know what it's gonna be called, but... my point is, the future of this company is now. And the future... is me.

Phyllis: Michael, what happened?

Michael: Jan got fired. And I realized that I could not work for a company that would f*re my girlfriend. But more than that, I realized that... I couldn't take a job that would take me away from this place. This is where I belong. This is... my home. And home is where the hardest.

Oscar: Home is where the heart is.

Michael: Heart is. That makes a lot more sense. You think they'd help each other out like that at corporate? [Oscar shrugs] I think not!

[ 03x24/25 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Kelly: Well, if Michael gets the job, I will be so upset, because Dwight used to have a crush on me, so if he's boss, it'll be really awkward.

Pam: Mmm-hmm. [nods]

Kelly: But if Jim gets it, you should be happy, because you have a crush on him, and he totally doesn't feel the same way, and then he'll be gone.

Pam: Yeah, well, you know, whatever happens. [Kelly puts her hand on Pam's shoulder] Oh.

Kelly: Pam, he's just not that into you.

Pam: Oh, I know. We talked about it and he told me.

Kelly: No, seriously Pam, wake up.

Pam: Okay.

Pam: Kelly made me realize something. She and I have... nothing in common. And I need more friends.

[ 03x24/25 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Dwight: Define scorched earth policy.

Andy: When an attacker goes through another country sometimes they wi...

Dwight: Nyah ah! Too long! What is the Dharma Initiative?

Andy: It is the source of all energy on this planet.

Dwight: Wrong. It is a corporation formed by aliens.

Andy: I'm a very good interviewee. Why? Because I have something that nobody else has. And that is... my brain. Which makes me charming, witty, intelligent... [long pause] and quick on my feet.

Dwight: Who was the second man on the moon?

Andy: Trick question. There was no second man on the moon.

Dwight: Inventor of the cotton gin.

Andy: Eli Edison.

Dwight: Talk me through an appendectomy.

Andy: Step 1, disinfection. Step 2, incision. Step 3, remove the appendix tenderly so it doesn't burst and spread toxic...icity everywhere.

Dwight: Step 5, [talking over Andy, indistinct] ...the wound.

Andy: Re-suture. Sutures, yes.

Dwight: When is the Paleolithic Age?

Andy: 17 B.C.

Dwight: What is a scented candle?

Dwight: How is the new boss? Tough. Do people respect him? They have to. Do they like him? Irrelevant. They do not. And I hate them back.

[ 03x24/25 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Michael: New York real estate. I started by looking for a brownstone, like the Huxtables had, [shakes head] but instead I found this very, very, nice place in Jamaica, Queens, mon. It is on the last stop of the subway, which is wonderful, because if I fall asleep, I still end up at home. It is a suh-weeeet one bedroom. I have a roommate, uh, Vijay Chokalingham, he's a h*m* at Queens College. He actually works in the Indian restaurant right below the apartment, so... free food, and the place always smells like curry. So, win/win.
{"type": "series", "show": "The Office", "episode": "03x99 - Deleted Scenes from Season 3"}