EXT. CRU

Casey : So, if the light we're seeing is millions of years old, then the stars might already be d*ad.

Max : But it's not just the stars that are in the past. It's everything. Even you looking at me now.

Casey : So, you're not you?

Max : No, I'm me. But you're seeing me one billionth of a second ago.

Casey : So... everything is history and relationships are just memories.

Max : Except for the light.

Casey : Which is in its own present, our past and someone else's future.

Max : The Hawking of Hearts.

Casey : You know what that means?

ZBZ HOUSE – Casey & Ashleigh’s room

Casey just wakes up. She was dreaming...

Casey : What? Why are you staring at me?

Ashleigh : You were making out with your pillow.

Casey : No, I wasn't!

Ashleigh : Must have been an awesome dream. You were drooling.

Casey : I don't drool! Much.

KT HOUSE – Living room

Rusty : All right. Lightning round. Loves rainy sunday mornings, is a Pisces, and can't live without cuts two, three and eight from “The Best of Sting”. Ferret.

Pickle : He is such a romantic.

Rusty : Afraid of apricots?

Ben Bennett : Wingnut!

Pickle : That's Heath.

Rusty : Heath is correct. Wingnut?

Ben Bennett : This active recognition test is gonna be tough. I mean, likes, dislikes, embarrassing secrets...

Pickle : I know more about the actives now than I ever wanted to know.

Rusty : Except for this guy. Joshua Whopper.

Pickle : Isn't that the guy who's always carrying a Kn*fe?

Rusty : Whoever it is, we better figure it out or we're scrubbing toilets until initiation.

Beaver : Empty your wallets.

Ben Bennett : Why?

Heath : Lunch buffet.

Rusty : You're shaking us down for a strip club?

Beaver : It's not just any strip club. It's Gentlemen's Choice. We need to make a Cappie trip.

Rusty : Last time Cappie went to the strip club was when he was... Oh, no.

Heath : No one mentions Rebecca.

Rusty : Hey, Cap, so you broke up with Reb...

Ben Bennett : You weren't supposed to...

Cappie : What's going on?

Beaver : Nothing. Why?

Cappie : Beaver. I'm fine.

Pickle : So, I can get my money back then?

Beaver : No.

Cappie : Any last minute questions on the active recognition test? ART's in two days.

Rusty : I have one. I took the liberty of downloading National's list of current actives.

Ben Bennett : Suck up.

Rusty : There's an active on the list no one has ever seen. Or ever met. Who's Joshua Whopper?

Cappie : Extra points for being industrious, Spitter, but don't worry about him. He's not on the test.

Rusty : OK, yeah, but according to the rules of the Arts, each pledge must know every active.

Cappie : But not Joshua. Trust me. Leave the Whopper alone.

Credits

ZBZ HOUSE – Dining room

Ashleigh : Rebecca's been eating her feelings since 7:00 this morning. It's her second box of cereal.

Casey : I wonder if she'll give away her clothes. I wouldn't mind that Marc Jacobs cocktail dress. It was already pretty tight on her.

Ashleigh : She and Cappie broke up.

Casey : What? Really?

Ashleigh : Looking for a job is way harder than I thought. What about babysitting?

Casey : And what about your irrational fear of little people?

Ashleigh : Good point.

Casey : You know, I'm actually thinking of hiring an astronomy tutor.

Ashleigh : I could help. I love looking at the stars

Casey :. That's what I thought the class was going to be about when I signed up for it. But all we're learning about is black holes, dark matter, alternative universes.

Ashleigh : Why don't you drop it?

Casey : I still need one science course for general ed. So, who do you think I can get to help me?

Ashleigh : Ivy took it last semester.

Casey : Ivy? I think we're in a fight or something.

Ashleigh : What about Rusty? He's science-y.

Casey : And that worked out so well the last time.

Ashleigh : Oh, wait. What about Max?

Casey : Max? Rusty's friend Max.

Ashleigh : He must know all about astronomy. He worked for NASA or something I think.

Casey : He's probably pretty busy.

Ashleigh : Yeah, you're right.

Casey : Still, it couldn't hurt to ask. Thanks.

KT HOUSE - Hallway

Ben Bennett : Joshua Whopper looks exactly like Abraham Lincoln.

Rusty : You see the problem?

Pickle : The 16th president of the United States was a Kappa Tau?

Rusty : Guys, get the fact that Abe is about 200 years old and was not a Kappa Tau. This is a trap. We have no idea who Joshua Whopper is. Which means, when Cappie said, "Trust me," he probably meant, "Don't trust me. Which means Josh Whopper is going to be on the active recognition test. And after every one of us fails we're going to be breaking out the gas masks, Hazmat suits, and we're gonna go on porcelain patrol until initiation. We gotta find the Whopper.

Ben Bennett : How do we do that?

Pickle : We look for a guy with a beard and a funny hat.

CRU – Max’s room

Max : Oh. It's you.

Casey : Yes. And you're you? You're probably wondering what I'm doing here.

Max : Would... Actually, I was thinking about... That's not really relevant now. So...

Casey : I really need a tutor for Intro to Astronomy. And I know it's not your major specifically, but Rusty mentioned you had some connection to NASA. Which got me thinking... I really need help with the class. Max... NASA... So I'm here.

Max : Maybe this isn't such a good idea. It didn't go too well with blackjack and Casino Night.

Casey : Well, I'm big on second chances. Actually, I'm big on third and fourth chances, too.

Max : Could you do tonight? 8:00 here?

Casey : Sounds... intimate.

Max : Well, it's just... where I live.

CRU - Administration

Pickle : Excuse me, Miss Brown? Sorry. I'm the new guy. And I don't want to be a nark or anything, but I just saw a woman from admissions throw away her recycle bin 'cause she said she hated the Earth.

Woman : Was it Constance? Big redhead? Show me, please. Thank you. I can't stand her. I mean, who does that? I've talked to her before about this...

While Pickle and the woman leave, Rusty and ben Bennett come...

Rusty : Password protected.

Ben Bennett : How long is this gonna take you to hack in?

Rusty : Well, with the 256 bit encryption and double coded keys, between two hours and never. I need her password. Uh... Jordan. Sarah... Arlo...

Ben Bennett : Hey, you know what I always do? I always tape my password to my top drawer.

Rusty : No one does that anymore.

Both : Password.

Rusty : All right, we're in. Joshua Whopper. Physics 405, English Lit 320, Chemistry 401. Straight A's?

Ben Bennett : Wait a second. There's a Kappa Tau that's smarter than you?

Rusty : Yeah, it appears so. And he has a class tomorrow at Lasker Parks Hall. Let's go.

MICHAEL’S HOME

Calvin : “40 Year Old Virgin” is a masterpiece. Although “Knocked Up” runs a close second.

Michael : But don't you think Judd Apatow's movies can be... a little misogynistic, kind of h*m*?

Calvin : Was it the chest waxing thing?

Michael : No, it was the "you know how I know you're gay" thing. It objectifies gay life.

Calvin : So now you're gonna teach me about being gay? If I recall, last night I taught you a few things.

Michael : A point taken. But how many other gay people do you hang out with? I mean, besides me?

Calvin : Is that a trick question? Fine. None.

Michael : Then you have to admit that your world view is slightly limited. Which is... why I was thinking we could go to Gentlemen's Choice.

Calvin : You want to go to a strip club?

Michael : No, the other Gentlemen's Choice. The hottest... Well... only gay bar in Cyprus. We'll meet up with some of my friends, we'll hang out.

Calvin : Trash Judd Apatow...

Michael : You've never been to a gay bar, have you?

Calvin : I just don't really like tight shirts and guys in Daisy Dukes.

Michael : Don't mock what you don't know. Besides, that's not Gentlemen's Choice. Come on. It wouldn't hurt you to actually hang out with other gay people every now and then. Who knows. Maybe you'll even meet a friend or two. It's time to broaden your horizons.

Calvin : Spread my big gay wings?

CRU - Dormtroms

Max : So you break through the line and no one touches you, you keep on rolling. That's inertia. That's Newton's first law of motion. Then you power right through an undersize fullback. That's Newton's second law, force.

Guy : Hell, yeah.

Max : OK. Then the third law. You h*t the quarterback, knock him out cold. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Guy : Hell, yeah.

Casey : Max, I was hoping to understand gamma ray bursts.

Max : OK, yeah. That's a rocket of electromagnetic energy created by a collapsing star. Kind of a good and bad thing if one heads our way.

Casey : Bad first.

Max : Well, the world would plunge into darkness, polar ice caps would melt and deep sea creatures would rule the earth.

Casey : And the good?

Max : Well, no more student loans.

Casey : Got it. But that would never happen, right?

Max : Casey. No matter how invested you are in your view of the universe, you have to be prepared for things to change.

Casey : Are we talking about gamma rays or something else?

Max : I don't know... Maybe neither.

EXT. CRU

Rusty : That's not something you see every day.

Ben Bennett : What?

Rusty : Cappie on campus.

CRU - Class

Rusty : Dr. Shapiro?

Teacher : If you have any questions about today's lecture, my office hours are this afternoon from 3:00-5:00.

Rusty : No, I'm fine with today's lecture. Actually, I'm not even in your class. I just had a question about one of your students. I'm looking for Joshua Whopper.

Teacher : It's a lecture class. I don't know everyone individually.

Rusty : Are you sure?

Teacher : Well, anyone with an A in my class doesn't come to office hours. Sorry, gentlemen.

Ben Bennett : Well, we're d*ad. Cappie's gonna ask us who Joshua Whopper is, and we got zip.

Rusty : Wait. It's crazy. What if Josh... No. Cappie on campus...

Ben Bennett : Why are you talking to yourself? I'm standing right here.

Rusty : OK, Joshua's smart. He's secretive. He has dozens of majors. He hangs out at Lasker Parks Hall. What if Joshua Whopper is Cappie?

EXT. CRU

Ashleigh : Wow. That sounds great. I'm gonna be a naturalist intern.

Casey : You'll have to wear hiking boots.

Ashleigh : So, how was your tutoring session?

Casey : I'm less confused about astronomy and more confused about Max. OK, here it goes. I kind of like him.

Ashleigh : Oh, he's cute. Weird, but cute. So, how was it? Was it all gushy and romantic? Or did he get all science-y and weird?

Casey : Neither. Both. I don't know. Honestly, I'm not sure what happened.

Ashleigh : Wait. He's not just an Evan/Cappie in a dork suit, is he?

Casey : No, that's the strange thing. He's totally unlike Evan or even Cappie. Max is so far outside my normal dating pool, I can't read him at all. It's like all the usual fraternity/sonority dating rituals have been tossed out the window. We're from different planets.

Ashleigh : You need a translator. Someone who can speak both Greek and geek.

KT HOUSE – Cappie’s room

Cappie : French maid, hers. Amazon princess, hers.

Rusty : What happened with you and Rebecca?

Cappie : We figured we were headed in different directions, so better to cut it off now before anyone got hurt. Devil temptress, hers. Super chick. That's mine. Where are the bracelets?

Rusty : And you're OK?

Cappie : You mean do I need to go and get hammered at Gentlemen's Choice, pay a bunch of naked girls to pretend they love me? No. That sounds like fun.

Rusty : You're not joshing me?

Cappie : Nope. I'm not joshing you. Oh, let's see. Margaret Thatcher. Mine.

Rusty : Margaret Thatcher was one whopper of a prime minister? Maybe she was listening to Josh Groban, watching Judge Wapner.

Cappie : I'll bite.

Rusty : I know who Joshua Whopper is.

Cappie : No. You don't.

Rusty : Oh, yeah, I do. Dozens of majors, secretive about his name, smarter than he lets on and he was walking out of Lasker Parks Hall. I saw him. He's you. You're him.

Cappie : Rusty, you don't want to go there.

Rusty : Why not? I figured it out, didn't I? I know your real name.

Cappie : You don't. Because if you dug a little deeper, Nancy Drew, you would have discovered that Joshua Whopper has been a student at CRU since 1984, which just so happens was a dark time for the Kappa Taus. "Thanks to the invention of the microchip, CRU was finally able to track grades by computer. And the administration began to enforce Greek minimum grade point averages. It didn't appear that the Kts would survive. The only person in the house making grades was a pledge. Lasker Parks, a computer science geek."

Rusty : Lasker Parks? He invented the...

Cappie : Uh, Spitter, don't interrupt. "So, Lasker enlisted his pledge class for help. They stole the password to the university mainframe and for their pledge project they created Joshua Whopper, a computer program. A safeguard to ensure that the Kts will never again fall prey to grade standards. Every semester the program chooses random large classes and enrolls Joshua Whopper and awards him an A."

Rusty : So, the less attention Joshua Whopper gets, the better.

Cappie : Yeah. And don't tell the pledges about him. This is something you're supposed to learn as an active.

Rusty : Well, why do we even need him? It's...

Cappie : Have you seen our grades? Without Josh they would have shut us down years ago. So, you understand why this has to remain a secret?

Rusty : Totally. Oh. Hey, you forgot this.

Cappie : Nope. That's mine.

EXT. CRU

Ashleigh : So, it turns out a food service coordinator is actually...

Calvin : The guy who makes the French fries.

Ashleigh : Exactly. Which is why I told him I'd go broke keeping my pores clean.

Calvin : I'm sure they understood.

Ashleigh : I know, right? Plus, if I took the job I'd have even less time to see you.

Calvin : Yeah, I know. It has gotten pretty intense with Michael and me.

Ashleigh : I knew you guys would h*t it off. Hey, why don't we all go to Dobler's tonight? You treat this time and then I'll pay when I get a... Maybe... Maybe I could be a bouncer.

Calvin : I'm actually hanging out with Michael tonight.

Ashleigh : That's... good.

Calvin : But you should come.

Ashleigh : Really?

Calvin : Yeah. I wouldn't mind the company. We're going to Gentlemen's Choice.

Ashleigh : The strip club?

Calvin : No, the other one.

Ashleigh : Oh. Yay !

CRU – Dale & Rusty’s room

Dale : ... is afraid of the color green, has never eaten chicken, and likes to chase geese?

Rusty : Jeremy.

Dale : Dude, do you honestly want these guys to be your brothers? I don't even know how most of these kids got into CRU. And what kind of parents name their kid Ferret?

Rusty : You promised not to disparage.

Dale : I'm sorry. I'm just not impressed, that's all. Here's a winner. "Barks at parked cars."

Rusty : That's Pillbox.

Dale : Sadly correct. This guy has some promise. Smart, s*ab, good family life. Real name?

Rusty : I don't know. I give up.

Dale : Joshua Whopper.

Someone knock on door...

Rusty : I think we're done.

Dale : Who is this guy? Is he smarter than me?

Rusty opens the door...

Dale : Hey, Casey. Just... helping out your little brother here. You know, 'cause I care.

Casey : Rusty, can I talk to you for a sec? In private?

Rusty : Sure.

Dale : No, no. You guys don't have to leave. I'll just, uh, listen to my music. You know, meditate. Expand my mind.

Rusty : What's up?

Casey : Rusty. There's someone on the honors engineering floor who I kind of like.

Rusty : Here?

Casey : I kind of like... Max.

Rusty : I should warn him.

Casey : What do you mean?

Rusty : 'Cause you date like Sherman marched, Casey. With scorched Earth and broken spirits left in your wake.

Casey : OK, A: ouch, and B: all I need you to d is find out if he likes me. That's it.

Rusty : That's just way too junior high dating strategy.

Casey : How would you know?

Rusty : OK, A: ouch. And B: because I read your diary.

Casey : Fine. Please, Rusty. Please, Rusty, please!

Rusty : OK. Stop, stop. All right, I'll do it.

Casey : I knew I could count on you, little brother.

Rusty : I'm the best.

Casey : Yes, you are.

Casey leaves...

Dale : Max? Really? The guy's a freakin' loser.

KT HOUSE - Hallway

Someone ring the frontdoor bell...Cappie opens the door...

Woman : Hi. I'm looking for Joshua Whopper.

Cappie : Why would you... Why would you need to do that?

Woman : I'm Claire Golan, Dr. Shapiro's TA, and after some students came to Dr. Shapiro looking for him she checked her midterms. His test is missing, which means Dr. Shapiro's gonna k*ll me.

Cappie : Well, Claire, I'm sorry to hear that, but it was nice knowing you.

Woman : Then she'll take it to the Gender Studies Review Board, then the Academic Review Board.

Cappie : All those people will have to meet Joshua Whopper?

Woman : Yes, they would. Unless I can get this all cleared up.

Cappie : Today's your lucky day, because... I'm Joshua Whopper.

Woman : You are? Great. Then would tonight be OK, 9:00?

Cappie : Sure. For what?

Woman : For the make up midterm. While the material's still fresh?

Cappie : Tonight, tonight?

Woman : That's so cool of you. You're a total lifesaver.

Cappie : Hey, Claire, I'm taking two gender studies classes with Dr. Shapiro. Which one is this again?

Woman : The Phallus.

CRU – Max’s room

Rusty : So, you're tutoring my sister now?

Max : Yeah, we only did it once. No, I mean tutoring. I'm not... I didn't... I wasn't saying that...

Rusty : OK, thank you. Good to know.

Dale : I've won a lot of awards too, Max. A lot bigger than the... National Science Foundation gold medal.

Max : Oh, that one. I assisted Professor Lowy with his work on fuel cell technology. Dale, maybe you can answer this. Why do they always put the environmental awards on the wooden plaques?

Dale : Nobody likes a show-off, Max.

Rusty : But with all that studying and tutoring, I bet you don't have much time to date.

Max : No. Not really.

Dale : European Science Foundation Legion of Honor?

Max : Ah, the Neues Schloss Hotel in Zurich is pretty cool.

Rusty : It's hard to tell if they like you as much as you like them. So you test the waters...

Max : Agreed. Maybe... maybe it'd be smart to... ask a family member. See if the other person's interested...

Dale : For heaven's sake, will somebody just say what they really mean? Max, I demand to know your intentions.

Max : Is he all right?

Rusty : Apparently not. Who's that? She's pretty. Is that your sister?

Max : Girlfriend.

Dale : Thank you.

ZBZ HOUSE – Living room

Casey : I don't get it. I asked him to tutor me. Why didn't he just say he had a girlfriend?

Rusty : Why would he do that?

Casey : You're kidding, right? Asking him to tutor me meant I was interested in going out. If he has a girlfriend he should have said no.

Rusty : What would you say if you just wanted him to help you with your class?

Casey : That I wanted him to tutor me. You really didn't pay very close attention to my diary. You know what? I'm bowing out before this gets super complicated. This is what you get when you try to date amateurs. Will you make sure Max gets it? I owe him for an hour of tutoring.

Rusty’s cellphone rings...

Rusty : Hey, Cap ! What's, uh... OK, I'll be right there.

A few minutes later...In the dining room...

Ashleigh : Looks like we have a 1066 here.

Rebecca : Serial k*ller?

Ashleigh : Major crime alert. I'm thinking of becoming a student security officer.

Rebecca : Their uniforms are hideous.

Ashleigh : OK, you know what you need?

Rebecca : A bigger spoon?

Ashleigh : An evening out with me and Calvin at Gentlemen's Choice.

Rebecca : The strip club?

Ashleigh : No. The other one.

Rebecca : I'll take a pass. I'm not in the mood to hang out in a bar packed with guys.

Ashleigh : But these guys are exactly what you need. Gay bars are tailor made for depressed straight girls. There's lots of great music, hot guys that don't h*t on you, and all night they tell you you're fabulous.

KT HOUSE – Cappie’s room

Rusty : All right, lightning round. Who said a male's masculinity is defined by his relationship with not only his but a woman's phallatical display?

Cappie : I have no idea, but it sounds kind of he-she.

Rusty : No offense, but we're screwed. This books are scary thick and I can't even wrap my head around the class description in the syllabus. "The thrust of the phallus is how perceptions of masculinity affect psycho, social and interpersonal relationships."

Cappie : Rusty, don't go soft on me.

Rusty : Cap, I'm b*at. This class is really hard. I just can't cram it in fast enough.

Cappie : All right. We need a helping hand. Reach under those books.

Rusty : What are you thinking?

Cappie : We get everybody in here, we bang our heads together, everyone pitches in. If Joshua Whopper's going down he's not taking the rest of us with him. Clearly we've all taken gender roles for granted.

KT HOUSE – Living room

Beaver : I've never had such clarity before. Maybe we'd be better brothers if we treated each other as sisters.

Heath : An open exchange of feelings.

Beaver : Sadly, it appears our phalluses have led us astray.

Cappie : I'm gonna miss you. I'm gonna miss you, too.

Beaver : Now I know I have a heart... because it's breaking.

Cappie : And, uh... I think I'm gonna miss you most of all, Scarecrow.

Rusty : I'm going with you.

Cappie : Right. Sorry.

Heath : Hey, Beav, are you... Are you crying?

Beaver : Yes, and I don't care. But I didn't get you anything.

Ben Bennett : Later. Just take a sip.

Pickle : We were thinking about going to the backyard, just bl*wing some stuff up.

All : Yes!

ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway

Max : Hey, Casey? Sorry to bother you. I came to return your check. I can't cash it.

Casey : I had a feeling you weren't going to make this easy.

Max : No, it's not...

Casey : Look. I gave you a check. It's yours. Do what you want. Consider it a lovely parting gift. Clearly, you have some issues. You need to work them out, and I wish you luck with those.

Max : No, Casey, you didn't sign the bottom of it.

Casey : Right. Great. So I'll just get a pen, then.

Max : Casey, wait.

He Kisses her...

Max : Hmm...Bye...

ZBZ HOUSE – Casey& Ashleigh’s room

Casey :  And then he just left. No, fled. Fled is more the word. He does that a lot. He's so weird. I don't even know why I care.

Ashleigh : Well, how was it?

Casey :  What? The kiss? It was... great. Really great. Which pisses me off even more.

Ashleigh : Why?

Casey :  Because even with all those brains he's just Evan in a dork suit. He has a girlfriend, remember?

Ashleigh : Well, maybe he's looking to turn his twosome into a threesome.

Casey :  Max? Please. He's the sweetest... least corruptible guy in the world.

Ashleigh : It's always the quiet ones.

Casey :  Well, then I'm just gonna yell at him, Ash. Perfect. Where are you going?

Ashleigh : Calvin is meeting Rebecca and I at Gentlemen's Choice. Do you want to come? You're going with Calvin to a strip club?

Casey :  No, the other one.

GENTLEMEN’S CHOICE (The Other One)

Michael : What do you think?

Calvin : It's not so scary. Kind of nice.

Michael : And maybe you'll find another gay guy on the planet to talk to.

Calvin : Yeah. Chances of that are highly unlikely.

Michael : I got it.

Calvin : Heath.

Heath : Hey. Calvin.

Calvin : Heath, this is my boyfriend, Michael.

Michael : Hi, Michael. You guys know each other?

Heath : Yeah. I'm a Kappa Tau. He's an Omega Chi. We're like, locked in mortal combat.

Michael : Mortal enemies. I got it.

Ashleigh : Calvin ! Hey ! You want to go this way?

Michael : Hey, Calvin. The plan was for you to hang out with gay guys, not straight girls.

Calvin : I know, but Ashleigh called me and said Rebecca needed a pick-me-up. Bad breakup.

Michael : Say no more. Me and my buddies will handle it.

Calvin : So, where's Greg?

Heath : I don't know. We broke up about a month ago.

Calvin : You broke up with Greg.

Heath : Yeah.

Guy : Can't we take the night off?

Michael : Duty calls. If straight guys weren't  so insensitive then we wouldn't be left to pick up the pieces. But they are so this is part of the job. OK, go.

Gay Guy : Oh, my God. You two look so fabulous. And crazy hot. Are you gonna dance with me or am I gonna have to call my friends over for some help?

Rebecca : We'll dance.

Ashleigh : See?

Heath : First time here?

Calvin : Yeah, first time.

Heath : What do you think?

Calvin : It's OK. Michael wanted me to make some new friends. Preferably ones that weren't into Judd Apatow.

Heath : You know how I know you're gay?

Both : You're in Gentlemen's Choice.

CRU - Class

Cappie : Then Lacan stated that man finds satisfaction for his demand for love in the relation with the woman. And as much as the signifier of the phallus constitutes her as giving in love, which she does not have.

Rusty : Yes. What about Furhagen?

Cappie : The relationship between man and woman beyond the phallus is the very same as the relationship between the subject and the real of its body.

Rusty : Yes, yes. What about...?

Cappie : You know, Spitter, the answer to every question is the same. The phallus half of the relationship has a tendency to screw things up.

Rusty : Cap?

Cappie : I couldn't step up for Rebecca. I couldn't change. She need more. She need real support and I couldn't give it to her. So... I miss her.

EXT. Calhoun Hall

Casey : There you are. Hey, tutor. I just have one last question. Did you think that kissing me would make me somehow want you more? Who do you think you are?

Max : That's two questions.

Casey : Regardless of what you might have heard, I'm no longer about crazy, dysfunctional triangles. I'm not going to be a one man girl to a guy who's a two girl man. I mean, why can't anyone just have a normal relationship? Is that so difficult?

Max : No.

Casey : What would your girlfriend say if she knew what you were up to?

Max : She's not exactly my girlfriend anymore.

Casey : If she's not exactly your girlfriend anymore, then why would you call her your girlfriend to Rusty?  And why do you keep a picture of her? Did she break your heart or something?

Max : Yeah.

Casey : I get it. It's tough. Trust me. I am the queen of not letting go. But you've got to move on.

Max : My girlfriend's d*ad.

Casey : Good progress. I know it seems harsh, but admitting that she's d*ad to you is the first step to moving on. You know, I had to do the same thing with my last boyfriend. It's not like we don't all have old ghosts.

Max : My girlfriend, she really is d*ad. We met freshman year in the dorms. And then just before junior year she discovered this tiny lump on her neck. That's when it started.

Casey : I'm sorry, Max. When did she die?

Max : About six months ago.

Casey : You know, when I was 17, Rusty had this cat that nobody liked. Nobody except for him. She was kind of a cross between a Bengal and an actual Bengal tiger. The day I was nominated for prom queen I wanted to celebrate, so I borrowed my mom's car.  And I hadn't driven much, so I was nervous. Then when I pulled out of the garage...

Max : You drove over the cat.

Casey : And I just compared a d*ad cat to your girlfriend who died of cancer. It's just I've never... known anyone who died. Except for Rusty's cat.

Max : It's OK. You're not the first person who's done it.

Casey : Do people talk about cats?

Max : I get a lot of different reactions when I talk about her. Which is usually why I try to just avoid the subject all together. It's... It's still tough. You know? And I guess that's why I haven't really gone out with anyone since she died.

Casey : Got you.

Max : Casey. I don't think now is a good time. And it's not you feeling weird. It's me too. I thought I would be over her, ready to move on. But the more I'm... more I'm around you, the more I think of her. And I just... I like thinking about her.

Casey : Well, maybe we should both just say good night. Good night, Max.

KT HOUSE – Basement

Cappie : What is Beaver's favorite color?

Rusty : Chartreuse.

Beaver : Reminds me of beer.

Heath : Why do we call Brother Doug "Corn Nuts?"

Rusty : Myrtle Beach. He went out for a salty ocean swim, laid out naked and roasted his... corn nuts.

Beaver : OK, last question, Pledge Spitter. Cappie is your big brother. Tell us something about him that only you would know that you've learned in the last 24 hours.

Rusty : Cappie's not Joshua Whopper.

Cappie : They gout. My clean a bruder.

Beaver : Turn around!

EXT. CRU

Michael : What do you want to do tonight?

Calvin : I suppose watching Superbad would be out of the question?

Michael : If you agree to go to a seminar on q*eer musicology.

Calvin : Yeah, I guess the Apatow Dvds will stay in the closet.

Michael : Then how about Gentlemen's Choice?

Calvin : You know, I liked that.

Michael : Yeah? I noticed. You never mentioned that you knew a Kappa Tau.

Calvin : Heath? We... met during rush, you know. It's no big deal.

Ashleigh comes...

Ashleigh : Oh, my God. I got the job.

Girl : And you can start your first exciting campus tour next week.

Ashleigh : Oh, my god! I have a job!

KT HOUSE - Party

Rusty : Hey cap. I'm sorry for messing things up with Joshua Whopper.

Cappie : It's OK.

Rusty : We can always depend on you. You're the one who got the A in Shapiro's make up exam.

Cappie : I got lucky. It actually turned out to be one of the best classes I've never taken.

Rusty : You know, sometimes people can change. It just takes the right person. Even phalluses... can grow.

Cappie : You should be ashamed of yourself, Spittles. To Joshua Whopper. Too bad Joshua couldn't make his own party. After his stellar showing of the phallus, he's back to work doing what he does best. Making our house a little bit better. Because Joshua Whopper embodies the very best of Kappa Tau. He's unselfish, dedicated and he's always willing to put his brothers first. To Joshua Whopper.

CRU – Astronomy class

Casey : Andromeda, Pleiades... Orion's belt, Big Dipper, and....

Max : Lyra. Ashleigh said you might be here.

Casey : This is the only part of the class I enjoy. But after a while it all starts looking the same.

Max : The trick to the constellations is to know the stories behind them. Lyra's my favorite. It was the musical instrument of Orpheus, the greatest musician that ever lived.

Casey : I have all his CDs. Kidding.

Max : Do you know the story? So, Orpheus loved one thing more than music and that was Eurydice, the most beautiful girl that ever lived. But she died. She was poisoned. And Orpheus could not live without her. So he went down to Hades to bring her back. The ruler of Hades agreed, but there was a catch. If he turned back to look at her face she'd be gone forever. Just before he got to the surface he heard this rock crash behind him, so he turned back to see if she was all right. And that was it. The gates to the underworld slammed shut she was gone forever.

Casey : That's terrible. What happened to him?

Max : He... He spent the rest of his life wandering the Earth alone.

Casey : Do you want to take a look?

Max : No. I'm not turning back.

They kiss....
{"type": "series", "show": "Greek", "episode": "02x04 - Gays, Ghosts and Gamma Rays"}