Alex: Three... two... one...

Alex: Tea and toast.

Grandma: Ah. You know I could have done at least with a bit of grapefruit. Or a croissant or some buck's fizz to f*ck me up nicely some mentholated cigarettes.

Phone ringing. 

Alex: Hi, Dad.

Alex dad: Alex. Right. How you getting on? You all set for the move next week? 

Alex: Yeah.

Alex dad: Good. Good. Erm, remember to label everything. D'you hear me Alex?'

Alex: Yeah I will.

Alex dad: Is she there?'

Alex: She's... she's still sleeping.

Alex dad: Well the home are expecting her next Wednesday, so just remind her.'

Alex: Yes. 

Alex dad: OK.'Remember to label everything.'

Alex: I'm doing it, Dad.

Alex dad:'You better be.' 

Grandma: Silly old twat.

Alex: He's your son, Gran.

Grandma: Did he at least remember to wish you good luck for today? No, well never mind. You don't need any. 

At Roundview.

Doug: You and I have a lot in common. Your first day. Mine too. Be confident. Assertive. Give them a chink of ligh and they'll take you to the cleaners, Boyo.

Alex: Yeah, I'm used to being the new boy. I'll get by.

Doug: Here we are. Information Communication Technology. Your first class.

Alex: Pretty sure I didn't sign up for that.

Doug: Ah, yes, your father phoned. He changed some things around.

Alex: Right.

Doug: Class, this is Alex Henley. He's new today. So go, take him to your bosoms and show him a thundering good time.

Liv: Doug. Problem with the flies.

Doug: Oh... goodness! I do apologise. We don't want to see that, look you. There's another thing. I'm not Doug any more. I'm also the head teacher and that means you have to call me by my proper name Mr Cyhoeddus-Gwalchmai. Yes, all right, very amusing. All right settle down.

Nick: Rich is supposed to be my project partner.

Alo: His girlfriend just died. I don't think he cares about your f*cking coursework.

Nick: I suppose.

Alo: He'll be back when he's got over things. Just get Franky to do it for you. Everyone else does.

Alex: Mate, I'm really really sorry.

Alo: What the f*ck was that for?!

Alex: It's numbers mate. Only numbers.

Liv: Mini. How long is this going to go on for? I called you four times last night.

Mini: I was busy.

Liv: With what?

Mini: Bloody hell, Mum. I was doing coursework.

Liv: You don't need to avoid me.

Mini: Why would I be avoiding you?

Liv: Because you don't want to talk about her.

Mini: That's not it.

Liv: Come on, Mins. We have to see each other every day. Gracey would say...

Mini: I'm not avoiding you, OK?

Alex: Hey.

Liv: Yeah? What's your problem?

Alex: Huh?

Liv: Punching people?

Alex: I don't have a problem.

Liv: So why did you do it?

Alex: Numbers.

Liv: What?

Alex: If you live by this, everything's random.

Liv: So what are these numbers telling you now?

He kisses her. She beats him. 

Alex: Alex.

Liv: Liv.

Alex: Pleased to meet you.

Liv: I never even knew this was here. I only live, like, 200 yards away.

Alex: Yeah. It's funny what you see and what you don't see. Like you and your friend aren't speaking to each other.

Liv: What?

Alex: And why you're pouring a quarter of whisky into your coffee before noon.

Liv: I'm an alkie.

Alex: I'm a psycho.

Liv: With a magic dice.

Alex: Everything about me's magic.

Liv: Hmm. 

Alex: Yeah, you should try it - keeps things buzzy.

Liv: You reckon?

Alex: Erm, what was the name of your friend that died?

Liv: Grace.

Alex: You want to meet the wicked witch? Hello? Gran? She'll be here somewhere. 

Liv: She does exist, right?

Alex: Pretty sure she does, yeah.

Grandma: Oh, hello, Alex.

Alex: Are you wanting to come out of there or...?

Grandma: No. I'm fine where I am. Oh...! I was joking.

Alex: Sure, Gran.

Grandma: I must have got a bit confused.

Alex: Erm, this is Liv.

Grandma: She's a girl.

Alex: Yep, that's right. She's a girl.

Grandma: I like the colour of you.

Liv: Thank you.

Alex: Beans for three. There you go, Gran.

Grandma: Very handsome. Wouldn't you say?

Liv: Of course I am.

Grandma: It's the cheekbones. He gets them from his Grandad William. He was an extremely virile man.

Liv: Right.

Grandma: I was only 13 when I met him.

Alex: You were 23, Gran. Don't go overboard.

Grandma: Oh, yes. There was a dance. He was all dressed up in uniform. He comes over, with a shiny penny in his right hand. He throws it up, catches it. And he says... Heads - we have a dance then we go our ways. Tails - you come with me and we'll get wed at Dover as soon as you like.

Liv: And you married him?

Grandma: Well, I screwed him senseless for quite a while. You know, they're going to put me in a home. Alex is packing my things away, getting me ready.

Liv: Why are they putting you in a home?

Grandma: Because I'm losing my mind. Alex is doing a nasty little job for his dad.

Alex: I'm just trying to look after you, Gran.

Grandma: Yes, well, tell your dad to keep his poisonous little hands off my house.

Alex: You better go. So, you had the baked beans, a glass of coke... That's about £3.50.

Liv: And there wasn't even a dessert.

Alex: Maybe next time, yeah?

Liv: Some of us are going to the pub. Latimers. And... er... you should come along.

Alex: Maybe.

Liv: Sure.

Alex: "15th September, 1964. 13 miles off St Kilda. The sea was rough, Force 9 today, but the Captain was determined to run for Norway and refused to put in at Greenock."

Grandma: Oh! Idiot.

Alex: "One engine is down and we are taking in water, but I have taken bets from eight of the crew against making it. If we are rescued, I will be a rich man."

Alex: Hi. Erm... anybody want a sh*t?

Alo: Look I don't want any trouble, mate, all right?

Alex: No. A sh*t. You know? Or a... something. Take that as a yes, then.

Liv: I'll give you a hand.

Alex: Nah, it's OK. I've got it.

Mini: You got a new friend, then?

Liv: He's a nice guy.

Alo: He's a whack job. Have you seen what he's done to me?

Liv: Just give him a break.

Mini: We don't need any new friends. I'm fine.

Nick: Whoa, that's a lot of cash.

Alex: Yeah, I like cash. I like the feel of it in me hand.

Nick: Er... I see that. 

Alex: What was she like? Grace.

Nick: Mate. You're cool and everything. But leave that alone. All right?

Alex: Yeah, sure.

Liv: Alex, this is, er, Mini, Alo, Nick and Franky.

Mini: You're boring.

Alex: You're way too cool to be her friend.

Liv: It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it.

Alex: Her boyfriend's getting a bit anxious.

Liv: Oh, that's just Alo. He's not her boyfriend, trust me.

Alex: I guess you guys are a little on edge, yeah?

Liv: We're, er... yeah. This was probably a mistake.

Alo: All right, f*ck it. I'm dancing. Liv? Franky? Come on, yeah? Yeah?

Nick: That's way too gay, mate.

Alo: What?!

Alex: I'll dance with you.

Alo: Um, yeah, maybe, mate. 

Alex: Oh, shit! Shit. Sorry.

Nick: f*ck it. Come and gay me.

Alo: Huh?

Nick: Are you dancing or what?

Alo: Yeah.

Alex: Hi, Dad.

Alex dad: 'Alex. Where are you? Erm... I'm at home. I've been calling the house phone. Nobody answered.'

Alex: Yeah, well, Gran likes to turn the TV up loud.

Alex dad: 'Where are we with her? Are you packing her stuff?'

Alex: Yeah, it's not... It's not... It's not simple.

Alex dad: 'What are you talking about?'

Alex: I've been thinking.

Alex dad: 'Not your job to think, Alex. It's your job to act. I'm relying on you. OK?'

Alex: OK.

Alex dad: I'll be flying over next week. Want it all sorted out by then. Clear?'

Alex: Crystal.

Alex dad: Good. Say hello to your gran for me.'

Alex: "How are you, Alex?" "Oh, good, thanks, Dad. "First day at college today." "Oh, yeah, how did that go?" "Oh, really well, thanks. "I met this really nice girl and... and she was so..."

Liv: And she was so...?

Alex: So... Are you a gambling woman?

Liv: Alex, what the f*ck?!

Boy: Alex. How's it going, you all right? Good to see you again. Usual table, yeah?

Alex: You know how to play cards?

Liv: No.

Alex: Oh, shit. That makes two of us. Right, then. Rock'n'roll.

Alex: Ah. Ace flush. Full house.

Boy: Hey, calm down! Calm down!

Liv: What's going on?

Alex: They just want to make me a cake. Celebrate my victory.

Boy: He says you're a cheat.

Man: No, no. Not a cheat. A f*cking cheat.

Alex: Well, obviously, I'll take issue with that. No! Now, look, you're scaring my girlfriend. I don't suppose you know kung fu?

Liv: No.

Alex: Oh, dear.

Man: You're a f*cking tosser.

Alex: I'll tell you what. Let's play tossers, eh? Call it, go on. Call tails, I dare you. For the money? Then we can part as friends, yeah?

Man: Tails.

Alex: Collect the money, Liv. Run.

Liv: f*ck. You're just...

Alex: I'm a cheat.

Liv: Yeah. You're a f*cking cheat. Jesus!

Alex: Ah, shit, sorry. I've got to... My gran, you know? Taxi's on me. Here, er, take some of this.

Liv: OK, but...

Alex: I've had a lovely time. See you at college, yeah?

Liv: Alex... you don't have to be shy.

Alex: I know. Take care, yeah?

At a gay boy's flat. 

Alex: You need to update your profile pic.

Gay boy: Oh... it was a little while back.

Alex: In a galaxy far, far away. Yeah.

Gay boy: It was all right though? Yeah?

Alex: Sure. What's this?

Gay boy: You're a nice kid. Take it.

Alex: I'm not a f*cking rent boy. And even if I was, 20 quid?! Seriously? You're missing the point, mate. Just for a moment, everything was meaningless. Oh, well. Cheers. Oh, and erm... you need to see someone about your dental hygiene problem. I'm not telling you that to be cruel, I'm telling you because it's true. 

Alex's house. 

Alex: Three, two, one.

Alex dad: Alex, I need you to call me back. Alex, why aren't you answering your phone? Alex, your behaviour is concerning me. I'm waiting to hear from you. OK? Call me.'

At Roundview.

Liv: What's your stupid card say today then?

Alex: One. Break and enter a stranger's house.

Alex: Liv. Liv, is anyone in?

Liv: No. Definitely a serial k*ller.

Alex: f*cking 'ell! This place stinks!

Liv: Yeah. What a dirty bastard. 

Alex: Exotic p*rn collection. Whoah! Let's f*ck with this guy's head.

Liv: You're not going to take a dump on the bed or something?

Alex: Uh-uh. Exact opposite. 

[later]

Alex: Liv, I'm... f*ck!

Liv: Whoo-hoo!

Alex's house. 

Alex: My dad's here. Hi, Dad.

Alex dad: Hello, Alex.

Alex: What are you doing?

Alex dad: I'm doing what you were incapable of doing. Sorting things out.

Alex: Look, we don't need to do this. She doesn't have to go into a home. I'll quit college and I'll get

a job. I'll... I'll look after her.

Alex dad: No.

Alex: Why not?

Alex dad: Because that's my decision.

Alex: No, that's not an answer!

Alex dad: If you're going to get emotional, I won't discuss it with you.

Alex: You're not discussing it with me anyway!

Alex dad: We all need to take a break! Calm down. Meet me tonight for dinner, OK, and pack this stuff away. Or I will. Mum? I'll come back later.

Grandma: We don't need you. William's looking after me.

Alex father: No, Mum. Dad died a very long time ago. Here. I'll call you later - and pick up this time!

Grandma: Alex, let's dance. 

Liv: Come on.

Alex: No, not now. Not now, really.

Grandma: One last dance for old time's sake. It's no fun dancing on your own.

Nick: So I've got the rules right? Number six is always "run away". Number one. Hang myself, right. Number two.

Alex: Not sure the dice is for everyone.

Nick: Two. Get into heroin.

Alex: Case in point. Let's start smaller, eh?

Nick: Wank myself stupid?

Alex: Now you've got it.

Boy: Can I have your attention, please? Everyone? Everyone, yeah? Just to let you know, this afternoon there'll be a memorial service for Grace Blood, who tragically died as the result of a tragic accident. I'm sure it would mean a lot to her if you could attend. These are... bloody difficult times, yeah? But if we talk about it, we'll get through this. As a community. Together. Yeah? And there's one more thing. Refurbishment's finished on the squash courts. They'll be open again from tomorrow. Thank you.

Alex: So?

Liv: We're not f*cking going, that's for sure.

Mini: So you decide for all of us. Thanks.

Alo: I don't think she meant it that way...

Liv: Did he even know her? We're not going. 

Nick: Maybe we should, you know, show face or something.

Mini: Better ask her permission.

Mini: What's your problem?!

Mini: Who's got a problem? Not you. You're out every night with Mr f*ck here.

Liv: Don't say that.

Mini: Tomorrow will probably mess with your busy schedule.

Liv: f*ck you Mini!

Liv: Why did she..? Why did she have to f*cking...?

Alex: She just wants attention.

Liv: No, Grace! Why did she...? Why did she have to f*cking...?

Alex: Liv. I didn't get around to telling you about me. I'm gay.

Liv: Stop it. Stop f*cking with my head!

Alex: I thought maybe you knew.

Liv: No, you didn't think that! 

Alex: I was going to tell you.

Liv: You spineless little shit. You can't stand up to your dad. Can't deal with your own life. You used me!

Alex: I've just never had a proper mate before.

Liv: What? What!? Who said I was your mate, you twat!

Mini: Who the f*ck are you anyway? We don't know you. We don't need you. Bit stupid.

Liv: Leave me alone!

Alex: C'mon, Gran. I don't wanna play hide and seek today.

Boy: There are things we want to say. And sometimes...

Liv: Oh, Christ.

Boy: Words aren't enough.

Franky: She f*cking hated you, you moron! She told me you showed her your dick!

Mini: Franky !

Boy: Oh my god. That's a bloody lie! I never... It was an accident. She saw it, accidentally!

Liv: I'll take that. What the f*ck is wrong with all of you?! What the f*ck!

Mini: Liv!

Liv: You wanna remember something? You want some fond memories to wank over? Well, remember this. f*cking w*nk*r. 

Franky: I think Grace would've liked that.

Mini: Oh, yeah. Liv's always had top tits.

Alex: I'm sorry.

Liv: You f*cking should be!

Alex: I know. I really am. I just get in over my head sometimes.

Liv: Oh, really? I practically had my tongue down your throat!

Alex: Yeah, and that was a nice thought.

Liv: Oh, Jesus!

Alex: Look. I want to make it up to you. I think I can help.

Liv: With what?

Alex: With everything.

Mini: So what are we here for? This had better be a pretty f*cking decent party.

Nick: Looking good so far. 

On the boat. 

Alo: Woo-hoo! Woo!

Liv: Go on, Alo.

Alo: f*cking hell. 

Nick: Alo ! 

Alo: Woo-hoo! Woo!

Liv: Alo, I thought you were the DJ.

Alo: The high seas!

Liv: We should go on boats more often.

Nick: Sweet boat. Shit weather.

Alex: Yeah. It was a tough choice between taking out the boat or the 'copter. You know how it is.

Nick: Nice one. Alo, Alo!

Franky: You should be a captain, Alo. You should have your own boat.

Liv: Did you steal it?

Alex: Isn't hard to rent a boat. You just need a false ID and a stack-load of cash.

Liv: Why? Why do you care? You didn't even know her...

Alex: I know you. And... I need a friend right now. So does she.

Liv: Being angry with me isn't... it isn't going to change anything.

Mini: So?

Liv: So talk to me.

Mini: I don't want to. Or even if I did, I... I can't. Not without her here. I need a light...

Liv: I haven't got one...

Mini: It's funny, that looks like the one in... Oh!

Liv: What? f*ck! What the f*ck is it doing?

Alex: It's a she. And she's not doing anything.

Mini: Alo! Alo! ALO!

Alo: What's going on?

Nick: Alex? What the f*ck?

Alex: My gran didn't want to go where she was told... She wanted to go somewhere else instead. That's it.

Alo: Oh, that's it! What a relief!

Alex: You said you weren't allowed to go to Grace's funeral.

Mini: You don't get to say her name, Gay Boy. This isn't her.

Alex: Will you help me?

Alo: You've gotta be kidding me!

Alex: I'm asking. All right? I'm asking for a bit of help.

Franky: Yeah, let's do it.

Nick: What?

Liv: Just help him, you idiots.

Alex (reading): "My dear. The weather is turning and I'm scared for this leaky old tub. But I have to take the odds, whatever they are. Life's a gamble, honey chuck, you win and you lose. But I know you'll wait for me... until I round Cape Horn and sail in to the tide to hold you tight. Always yours, William."

Franky: If you see our friend... tell her we miss her.

Alo: Um... is it supposed to float like that?

Alex: I dunno... Three... two... one... Pow!

Voice: 'This is Matty. I'm not around but leave a message.'

Franky: It's me. Don't ever come back.

Liv: What are you going to tell your dad?

Alex: In the grand scheme of things... that really doesn't matter now. I needed that.

Liv: No problem.

Alex: You do get what "gay" means, right?

Liv: That you put it where the sun don't shine!

Always: Friends?

Liv: riends. Whatever. Always run away.

Alex: Bet you don't dare. Bet you.

Liv: f*ck!

Alex: We didn't really think about that.

Liv: You got that dice?

Alex: How do we know what it said?

Liv: It said swim, sucker.

Alex: Bye, Gran. Be happy.
{"type": "series", "show": "Skins", "episode": "6x03 - Alex"}