[Open the sound of a champagne cork being popped. There’s a quick succession of images of upscale clothing as The Chordette’s Mr. Sandman plays in the background.]

♪♫ Bum bum bum bum bum bum‚ bum bum bum bum, bum bum bum

[A pair of faceless mannequins in very expensive outfits. Click and it changes to another mannequin’s torso and arms, holding an orange purse and wearing clunky orange bracelets. Click and three more well-dressed mannequins are spread out in over a large area. Click and champagne is being poured into a glass. Click for a pair of 4-inch open-toed pumps and two purses. Click to another mannequin in orange with an oversized pearl bracelet. Click and there’s a pair of large sunglasses, resting on a black and gold lizard case.]

♪♫ Bum bum bum bum bum bum‚ bum bum bum bum, bum bum bum

♪♫ Mr. Sandman

[Click as someone takes a gold camisole on a hanger off the rack. Click to a pair of red heels alone on a multilevel display. Click on a necklace. Click and Cuddy is fastening the neck of a leopard-print blouse.]

[She’s standing in front of a triple mirror in a dressing room the size of some living rooms. Behind her is a coffee table with a couple of chairs. On the far side of that Arlene sits on a sofa, typing into her Blackberry.]

Arlene: If you're going to dress like an Italian hooker, at least let it be this year's Italian hooker.

[Cuddy looks exasperated as her sister, Julia, walks past, carrying an outfit.]

Julia: She's not telling us we look fat. That's a major breakthrough.

Arlene: If you didn't want to be insulted, you wouldn't have invited me.

Saleswoman: Would anyone like some champagne?

Cuddy: No. [She pulls the blouse off. She’s wearing a purple bra.]

Arlene: Yes, three glasses, please.

Cuddy: Mom.

Julia: Yeah, it's not — it's not even lunch.

Arlene: If you'd prefer, I'll make it a mimosa.

Julia: What do you think? [She shows Arlene the gold camisole.]

Arlene: Perfect… for a night on the town. [She turns to Cuddy who is adjusting a skin-tight t*nk top.] Perfect for breast-feeding.

♪♫ Please turn on your magic beam

♪♫ Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream

[Arlene takes off her glasses and puts her hand in her shirt.]

Arlene: My heart's doing that weird thing again.

Cuddy: Beating? That's normal for humans.

Julia: Come on, Lisa, take her seriously for once.

♪♫ Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream make him the cutest…

[Cuddy sits next to Arlene and checks the pulse in her neck. She looks serious.]

Arlene: What? What is it?

Cuddy: I think we need to get you to the hospital.

[Arlene and Julia look at each other. Cuddy looks worried and a little guilty at having scoffed at her mother’s complaint.]

♪♫ Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream

[Title card. No opening credits.]

[Cut to the morgue. A body is on a stretcher. One foot is purple. A toe tag hangs on that foot. House, Chase, Foreman and Taub are sitting in a line, eating potato chips and watching a cartoon on a small, portable TV. Masters stands, facing them.]

TV: I'm dying to try it.

Masters: Is no one gonna tell me…

House: [without taking his eyes off the screen] Shh-shh-shh.

TV: How delightful.

[House smiles at the TV, eats a potato chip and reaches into the bag, which is on the table next to the corpse’s head, for another one.]

Masters: [whispers] Why we're in the morgue?

Chase: House is on the lam from someone. Taub's got his money on Wilson, but I'm pretty sure it's Cuddy.

Foreman: Fool's bet. There's a whole world of angry patients, creditors…

[The doors open. Cuddy stomps in, looking annoyed. House rolls his eyes.]

Cuddy: She needs a doctor.

[Chase makes a fist then holds out his hand for a disappointed Taub to slap it.]

House: Yes, just not me. Your mom is a 65-year-old woman with high blood pressure.

Cuddy: What about the macrocytic anemia?

House: Borderline, which is the lab equivalent of imaginary, which, by the way, matches the rest of her medical history.

Cuddy: You really think she's psyching herself into atrial fibrillation?

House: So get her a cardiologist. You don't want me involved. You don't want you involved. All that ethics stuff that I don't give a crap about suddenly makes sense. If you're emotionally invested, you cannot make rational decisions. You know this would be a disaster.

Cuddy: [quietly] This is my mother.

[The guys turn to look at House. Ball’s in his court.]

[Cut to Arlene’s room. Cuddy stands next to House. He’s got a tie on, slightly crooked, and he’s wearing a too-tight lab coat.]

House: [smiling “pleasantly”] Treadmill test went well — no chest discomfort or ischemia. The abnormal rhythm will probably resolve itself, and if not, a daily pill will keep it under control. I will follow up later today.

Arlene: [blinks] Is it connected to my other symptoms?

Cuddy: Which other symptoms, Mom?

Arlene: Aye… Not her fault. This "Dean of Medicine" stuff — very impressive at parties. But she's forgotten how to be a real doctor. It's all in my file.

[House stares at her like she’s a weird exhibit at the zoo. He and Cuddy look at each other.]

House: There are 15 years of clinic visits in this file.

Arlene: I don't want to be a bother. But isn't this what you do for a living?

House: [opening the file] So… we're looking for a disease that can last a decade and a half, causes constipation, diarrhea, flu, cold, dizziness, rashes, back and joint pain, "heart feeling weird," "kishkes feeling wobbly," one actual hip replacement. And which has eluded detection by years of blood work, X-rays, and MRIs. Well, one thing does pop to mind.

Cuddy: [cutting him off] We'll monitor you, and we'll give you a thyroid test. And House's team will do a home search for environmental toxins.

Arlene: He seems to know his stuff. How come he can't afford a coat that fits?

[Cuddy’s hand hits the table as House leans toward her with a “told you so” smile.]

[Cut to Arlene’s house. Taub and Masters are searching it. There’s a picture of Arlene with her grown daughters who are dressed as cowgirls.]

Masters: No radon, no mold, no lead in the pipes.

Taub: Yeah, yeah, great. Have you seen Cuddy's high-school yearbook?

Masters: Okay, that is clearly not related to the case, so—

Taub: There is no case. Cuddy won't let House see the yearbook, so he figures there's something to hide. Any guesses? It's clearly related to being a giant teenage dork.

Masters: So you thought I'd have some insights.

Taub: Oh, no, no. I didn't mean.

Masters: Relax. I was crowned homecoming geek. I'm sure you can relate… [he looks at her quizzically] because you knew some dorks.

Taub: I was the class president and head boy at — AAH!

[He’s pulled some pictures out of a drawer. Masters comes over and he hands her a couple.]

Masters: Oh… Is that — is that Cuddy's mom?

Taub: Certain parts of her… and certain parts of some muscular Hispanic gentleman.

Masters: Should we consider STDs?

Taub: I think I just caught one looking at these photos.

Masters: [reading the label on a bottle that was in the drawer] What does "azarcon" mean? I—

Taub: It means we might have an actual case.

[Cut to the hospital. House and Cuddy are walking down the hall.]

House: Mexican herbal medication for stomach problems, but only in the sense that lead chromate is an herb and poison is a medication.

Cuddy: I'll start a chelation I.V. Thank you so much. That wasn't too much of a disaster, was it?

[She starts to enter Arlene’s room. House stops her.]

House: You know… that's not the only thing they found in her home.

Cuddy: Not my yearbook…

House: Nope. Just some stuff that could cause severe nausea and permanent erectile dysfunction… and which proves that your mom is doing the help. According to her diary, it's some contractor named Jesus… which, granted, was originally a Jewish name, but…

[Cuddy has been staring at him, eyes wide open. She blinks a couple of times and turns to look at her mother.]

Cuddy: Go, Mom. [She gives him a kiss and enters the room.]

Cuddy: So… why were you taking a Mexican folk remedy?

Arlene: A friend uses it.

Cuddy: A friend? Mom… just for medical reasons, you should have told me. If you're sexually active—

Arlene: At my age, he's more the active one.

Cuddy: Mom's having a fling.

Julia: I know.

Cuddy: You do?

Arlene: She's been giving me lousy advice about it for five years. I have physical needs.

Julia: He's a married man, Mom.

Arlene: She doesn't want sex with him. I do want to have sex with him. Tell me, who's being hurt?

Cuddy: Hold on. Five years? Why didn't you tell me about it?

Arlene: I don't know. We don't have that kind of relationship. [long pause. Cuddy looks hurt.] Does that really surprise you?

[Cut to a dingy hotel room. Taub is shifting a box as big as he is. Foreman watches him.]

Foreman: You’re not ready? You said you had two guys helping you move.

Taub: They couldn't get out of work. I'm trying to economize. And this hotel is cheaper.

Rachel: [knocking on the open door] Hi. I'm sorry. I just wanted to drop off some mail and talk to you about something.

Taub: Of course.

[He puts down a box and follows her into the other room.]

Taub: Rache…

[They’re sitting on the bed. The door is open. Taub fondles her hand which is resting on her knee. She pulls her hand away.]

Rachel: Chris, that's not why… We got to move on.

Taub: What does that mean? Have you moved on? With who? Is it Phil?

Rachel: I don't want to talk about this. I know that you're worried about money, so—

Taub: You're trying to change the subject.

Rachel: Yeah, which you could have gleaned from, "I don't want to talk about this." I got you a tryout to be a part-time medical consultant on lawsuits.

Taub: Wait, with your brother? Have you completely forgotten the last time I saw him?

Rachel: That was five years ago. Jamie had just found out that you'd been cheating on me with your partner's daughter. It's a little overreaction. Might have been—

Taub: He broke my nose and then called me the most horrible person he's ever met.

Rachel: He shouldn't have broken your nose.

[She hands him a business card and gets up, leaving him sitting alone.]

[Cut to Arlene’s room. She’s browsing the web on the MacBook that Apple spent a lot of money to have prominently displayed. House enters. The lab coat is unbuttoned and only half the shirt is tucked in. He’s still wearing the tie and the back half is several inches longer than the front.]

House: You know, texts, calls, and emails all go to the same magic device these days. You only got to send one.

Arlene: Then it's even weirder it took you so long to get down here.

House: [playing nice] Yeah, that's a crazy mystery. It's not like I got a department to run.

Arlene: This other magic device [her computer] tells me that lead poisoning wouldn't cause all my symptoms.

House: True. But it could cause the 5% that are real.

Arlene: You think I'm a hypochondriac?

House: Well, let me answer this way— maybe you're imagining that I think you're a hypochondriac.

Arlene: Look, my hand just started to shake. It's a side effect of these arthritis pills. Read the label.

House: I did… when I was typing it up, right before I slapped it on a bottle of sugar pills.

Arlene: You printed a fake label… just to prove I'm a hypochondriac?

House: Did it work?

Arlene: It got you fired, you schmuck.

[Cut to Cuddy’s office. It’s night. She’s behind her desk on her MacBook. Her iPad is on a stand on her desk. House is pacing.]

Cuddy: An hour to convince her to go with Dr. Kaufman, and only then because he runs internal medicine. She wanted to leave the hospital entirely.

House: My God, a woman getting better wants to leave the hospital?

Cuddy: If she's getting better, it's not because you made her feel like a fool.

House: It couldn't be more because. If I hadn't, she'd have diagnosed herself with six new forms of cancer. She'd never leave.

Cuddy: It's hard enough dealing with my mom being sick. This juvenile— [Her phone rings.] Yeah?

[Dr. Kaufman is in Arlene’s room. Julia is there too.]

Kaufman: Lisa, it's gonna be okay, but she's in a-fib at 170.

Cuddy: Oh, God.

Kaufman: I think we should cardiovert while she's unsedated.

Cuddy: I'll be right there. [to House] A-fib's at 170.

[She starts to rush out.]

House: Wait. I'm sorry she's sick. I'm not sorry I'm off the case.

Cuddy: You're not off the case.

House: You don't think you can convince her—

Cuddy: No, no. You are staying on. She just can't know about it.

[Cut to Kaufman walking down a hall by a nurses’ station. House joins him. Kaufman looks annoyed.]

House: Top of the morning, Dr. Kaufman. Here's the deal. You copy me

on all the imaging. I'll have my guys run the lab tests.

Kaufman: No.

House: I thought you spoke to Cuddy.

Kaufman: Yeah. Then I spoke to the elder Cuddy, who specifically requested you not be involved.

House: Listen, Kauffy, you are perfectly competent, bordering on good, even. But you know I'm better. If you want, we can pretend it's 'cause I got a team and more resources. Either way, it'd be crazy to ignore my advice.

Kaufman: It's not gonna stop at advice. You're gonna start cutting me out, go behind me to your girlfriend. And if something goes wrong, still me standing up there alone at the M&M. Please… stay away from my patient.

[Cut to Diagnostics conference room. He’s adjusting a listening advice. The team watches.]

Arlene’s voice: Which button?

Cuddy’s voice: The one by your right hand with the design of the bed next to it and the arrows pointing up or down.

Taub: You bugged the room?

House: I absolutely, without apology, will admit that someone may have allegedly done so.

Masters: Guess we can pass unethical and skip straight to illegal.

House: Not according to the recent Supreme Court case of bite versus me.

Arlene’s voice: Dr. Kaufman's single. Did you know he went to Harvard Medical School?

Cuddy’s voice: Mom, stop yenta-ing for one minute!

[Taub smiles and Foreman smirks.]

Arlene’s voice: If you want gloomy and unable to commit, then stick with the goyishe one.

House: This is completely unethical. Why are we listening to this?

Masters: I know I'm a pain, but it's impossible for me to work with you if you—

House: Fine, fine! Instead of a live stream, I'll get a recap from Cuddy 20 minutes later — thank you for saving America.

Chase: Could be leukemia. Anemia from taking over the marrow, a-fib from infiltrating cardiac muscle.

Foreman: Sounds good.

House: Yeah. I was really hoping for a different diagnosis — one that Kaufman hadn't already come up with. He just started a bone-marrow biopsy.

Masters: So we don't need to do anything.

House: I don't. You do. Go to admitting. Find us a new case. [House takes his backpack and goes to his office. As soon as Masters leaves, he leans back into the conference room and whispers to get the guys’ attention.] Whff! Psst, psst! Whaa! Phfffft!

[Chase, Foreman and Taub enter his office.]

House: DDX.

Foreman: Um, we just did it.

House: No, we just did the fake one. Why do you think I let the truth fairy know about the bug? I was testing her. She failed. She's still a narc. Thiamine deficiency fits better than leukemia.

Taub: You think she's an alcoholic?

House: I had dinner with Arlene. I mixed her a gin and tonic. And I'd run out of the tonic, so I substituted sleeping pills. Next morning, she assumed the blackout was from the drinking. How many old ladies are used to passing out from boozing? The answer is the boozers. We're gonna have to slip her the thiamine pills.

Foreman: We've got to run this by Cuddy.

House: [nods] Why do you think I'm in such a bad mood?

[Cut to Cuddy’s office. She’s at her desk, shocked and upset.]

Cuddy: Alcoholic?

House: Treatment's very easy, safe. It's literally a few vitamin pills. It'll fix her heart, and it won't interfere with the biopsy Kaufman's running. [He places a bottle of pills on her desk.] Put 'em in an antacid bottle. Just tell her it's for stomach problems.

Cuddy: I have to ask her about this.

House: Of course. Absolutely. You'll ask. She'll deny. You'll push it. She'll get offended. You'll be exactly where you are now, except it'll be harder to treat. You've absolutely got to do that.

Cuddy: I don't think she'll lie to me.

House: She just spent the last five years going south of the border down Mexico way.

Cuddy: We have our issues, but since Dad died, we tell each other the truth when asked directly. It's important to us.

House: Addicts lie.

[Cut to Arlene’s room. Julia is there. Cuddy enters. She’s holding the bottle of pills.]

Cuddy: Can I speak to Mom alone?

Arlene: Why? You're scaring me, Lisa.

Cuddy: Mom, I think your drinking is causing your heart problems.

Julia: Is this about the champagne? She ordered—

[Cuddy shakes her head and Julia butts out.]

Cuddy: Patsy and Anne told me last week you lost control at the museum luncheon.

Arlene: You're talking to my friends behind my back.

Cuddy: We are all concerned. Just tell me honestly… how much have you been drinking?

Arlene: I may be your patient, but I am still your mother. And I'm telling you I am not a drunk.

Cuddy: [long pause] Okay. [She starts to leave then turns back.] For your stomach pains. [She gives Arlene two pills and pours her a glass of water.]

[Cut to the lobby. Cuddy is sitting by the wall of water. House joins her.]

Cuddy: If something like that comes up again, just… do what you need to do.

House: And keep you out of it?

Cuddy: Yeah. I am being a coward, which is exactly why doctors shouldn't treat their own families. Congratulations. You were right, as usual.

[She leaves.]

[Cut to large office, decorated to impress clients. Jamie, Rachel’s brother, is behind the desk, talking to Taub.]

Jamie: The hitting you was not optimal. I was going through my own divorce at the time. I have had years of therapy. Now when I get mad, I do some deep breathing, squeeze my stress ball.

Taub: Hey, I kind of deserved it.

Jamie: That's for sure. Here's the deal. I do a lot of med-mal, insurance. I need a new non-testifying expert. I'll give you one case as a tryout. You kick ass, I put you on retainer. Average 15 hours a week, it's 50 a year.

Taub: 50 what?

Jamie: You kidding? $50,000.

Taub: I'll take it.

Jamie: You drive a soft bargain. You got to sign an N.D.A.

[He goes into his files to get the non-disclosure agreement form. Taub stands and sees an x-ray on a table.]

Taub: Sure. Is this…?

Jamie: Uh, that's a case I'm about to settle. I rep a giant pizza-delivery company. Driver h*t that kid, messed up his legs.

Taub: And gave him a microbleed in his brain, right?

Jamie: What? No.

Taub: This little white mark.

Jamie: Your predecessor checked, so did the kid's doctors. I don't know what that is, but he's fine.

Taub: Probably. But if there's any doubt—

Jamie: It's a multimillion-dollar case. We're settling in two days. Lay off it, okay?

Taub: Okay. You're right. I'm off.

[Jamie sqeezes his stress ball. Hard.]

[Cut to the hospital House gets off the elevator. Cuddy is waiting for him near Arlene’s room.]

Cuddy: She spiked a fever. It's 102.

House: That means I was wrong about the thiamine deficiency.

Cuddy: You were wrong about the alcoholism.

House: True dat. It's actually looking more and more like leukemia.

Cuddy: Kaufman rushed the biopsies. It's not cancer.

House: So there's a bright side… Kaufman was wrong too.

[She shakes her head in disbelief and walks off.]

[Cut to a patient room. An unconscious man is in the bed. The entire team is there.]

House: DDX.

Chase: Okay… What disease can turn Cuddy's mother into a coma patient named Stewart?

House: Lupus? We got fired from that case. We're moving on.

Taub: We were already fired.

House: By the patient. This time by Cuddy, so it's real. She somehow realized that her completely unworkable system was completely unworkable. Okay, pop quiz, hot sh*ts — I chose vegetable Stew for a reason. You got 60 seconds, no "hintsies." [He taps his wristwatch then mimes zipping his lip.]

Foreman: You're not gonna talk to us?

House: Exactly. You're gonna have to— [Oops. He talked] Hey! [scoffs] You're good.

Masters: So this is just a test? [House nods]

Foreman: Pupils fixed and dilated — an addict, found with an empty bottle of phenobarb next to him. How is this a mystery? It's an overdose.

Masters: [reading the chart] Glutethimide! Script filled last year. Could mimic fixed and dilated without the brain death… [House starts to give her a double “thumbs up.”] Except he'll just get better on his own, so why would you take this case?

[House shrugs elaborately.]

Chase: Because House doesn't care about the treatment as long as the case is interesting.

Masters: I'll do a blood draw and put glutethimide on the tox screen.

[House bows to her. He leaves, followed by the guys.]

[Cut to the hallway.]

House: Really? You thought that case was interesting?

Chase: Oh, guess we're still on Arlene.

Foreman: Aren't there other ways of keeping Masters occupied?

House: Not according to my sexual harassment seminar.

[Cut to a treatment room where the team works on the DDX and hides from Masters at the same time.]

Taub: Maybe it's not hypochondria. She said she gets a lot of rashes. Add the fever — sounds like autoimmune, S.L.E.

House: Congratulations, you can think exactly like a semi-competent internist. Kaufman's starting her on prednisone. But the heart problems were first.

Foreman: Endocarditis.

Chase: With no murmurs?

House: It's usually a late sign.

Chase: Echo showed pristine valves.

House: Below the resolving threshold.

Foreman: Kaufman's prednisone will suppress her immune system — could k*ll her.

Taub: You got to tell him it's endocarditis.

House: Check the wiretap. His I.D. guy's been putting the same argument to him. He can't convince him. You think I got a better sh*t?

Taub: So what do we do?

House: We switch her meds. [Taub and Foreman are really shocked.] We get a solution of broad-spectrum antibiotics, stick it in an I.V. bag marked for prednisone. Kaufman can only be there a few times a day. Tell Arlene you're from the pharmacy, switch 'em out.

Foreman: This is nuts. This is way too complicated.

House: [loudly] It's hanging an I.V. bag!

Foreman: [louder] If the attending doesn't know what she's on, the risk of drug reaction—

House: [louder still] What risk? We know how he's treating her. We bugged the room.

Foreman: [very loud] This is not about information! We're talking ethical and legal violations on a scale that should make even you puke!

House: [shouting] She's dying!

Foreman: That doesn't mean we should all go to jail to save her! [normal voice] You're losing control because… this is your girlfriend's mom.

Chase: You gonna run this by Cuddy?

House: No. She said to keep her out of it, do what we need to do. Look, I know what I'm suggesting is completely screwed up. That's because this situation is completely screwed up. Do it, or you're fired.

[He leaves.]

Foreman: We stick together, he can't f*re all three of us.

Chase: Give me your prescription pad.

Foreman: Why are you doing this?

Chase: Because I think it's endocarditis, and I think the prednisone will k*ll her. And I forgot my prescription pad.

[Taub gives him a pad and he leaves.]

[Cut to Diagnostics conference room. Foreman is brooding. Taub is thinking.]

Taub: Am I a horrible person? I used to win awards for volunteer work. I went to Guatemala and fixed cleft palates. Now we're sitting back letting Chase do our dirty work.

Foreman: We're doing the right thing — stay out of it.

Taub: I don't know. I don't know about anything anymore. Then this thing with the kid, Rachel's brother—

Foreman: Stay out of that too.

A: radiologists — experts, unlike you — said no bleed.

B: you yourself said it's probably not.

C: you've got no doctor-patient relationship.

D: you'll lose your consulting job.

E: your ex will k*ll you.

F: I'm running out of alphabet here.

[Chase enters. The others look at him.]

Foreman: You do it?

Chase: Had the bag, walking towards the room, and Cuddy's sister says, "Hey, Dr. Chase." I met her at that charity event last year. One of you two has got to do this.

Foreman: I met Arlene at the same benefit.

Taub: Conveniently. Come on, don't ask me. I don't even know if I believe it's endo—[His phone chirps. He looks at the caller ID.] Damn it. It's Rachel's brother. He wants me to check out some new case.

Foreman: Conveniently.

Taub: It's a tryout. I need this job. I got to do this.

Foreman: So you're just gonna ditch us, run off, and work on some other case?

[Cut to a home. The doorbell rings. The woman inside answers. Taub is on the doorstep.]

Taub: Are you Timothy's mom?

Timothy’s Mom: Yeah.

[Timothy is behind her, in a wheelchair.]

Taub: My name is Christopher Taub. I'm a doctor at Princeton Plainsboro. I saw your son's file. I think he might have a very small bleed in his brain.

Timothy’s Mom: Wait, you — you saw his file? H-how do you even know who we are? I-I’ve never—

Taub: Your son could die of a brain hemorrhage. He needs a cerebral angiogram today. Get in your car and meet me at the hospital.

Timothy’s Mom: Timothy, we're gonna go see the doctor.

[Cut to Arlene’s room. Julia sits on the edge of the bed, holding her mother’s hand.]

[Cut to a men’s room. House, Chase, Foreman and Taub are there.]

House: Another pop quiz. How many idiot doctors does it take to switch an I.V.? The longer we wait, the more the prednisone is gonna k*ll her immune system. Forget playing pharmacist. Mom naps every afternoon. Wait by the room. When she falls asleep, get the sister out somehow.

[Cut to Cuddy’s office. Masters knocks and enters. It’s dark and thunder can be heard in the background. A storm has apparently started since Taub went to Timothy’s house.]

Masters: Hi, Dr. Cuddy, is now a good time to talk?

Cuddy: Not really.

Masters: So, um, you know how you had us consulting and then stopped having us consult?

Cuddy: Why are you still here?

Masters: Um, well, I think the stopping might have… stopped. House put me on this weird case where there's no treatment — I think maybe to distract me. Uh, and they've been acting odd.

Cuddy: I'll look into it. Thank you for coming to me.

Masters: Because I-I'm worried that he's switching your mother's medications. I checked with the pharmacy — Dr. Chase got prednisone and antibiotics for my coma patient, which wouldn't treat him, but could treat conditions that cause… heart failure.

[Cut to House’s office. It’s pouring outside. Cuddy is agitated and pacing.]

House: You told me to keep you out of it, do what I needed to do. What the hell did you think that meant?

Cuddy: I meant, like, if you had to slip her a few more vitamin pills or something. This is life-thr*at! It's illegal. I wasn't expecting something like this.

House: Only because you intentionally weren't thinking about it 'cause you don't want to make any tough decisions.

Cuddy: [calmer] Are you completely sure it's endocarditis?

House: That's not a real question. Endocarditis fits better than the alternatives. [deep breath] We're having a little trouble hanging the right I.V. The fastest way is with you help.

[Cut to Arlene’s room. Cuddy is fixing an I.V. bag with a prednisone label.]

Cuddy: Where'd Julia go?

Arlene: She's got a family.

Cuddy: I've got a family.

Arlene: Three kids and a husband — that's a family.

Cuddy: You are always tougher on me than Julia. Why is that?

Arlene: I'm not.

Cuddy: I was thinking about when you made me run for yearbook editor — I didn't want to. I didn't have a social life my whole senior year. You let Julia do whatever she wanted.

Arlene: We're debating 12th grade now?

Cuddy: Like anything's changed.

Arlene: What do you want, Lisa? Do you want to hear I love you both the same? Of course I do.

Cuddy: Okay.

Arlene: But times like this, when we argue, it reminds me… I have more in common with her. She's nicer to me. I love you both… but I like her more than you.

[Cuddy nods. Her arms are folded across her chest. She leaves.]

[Cut to a lounge. Foreman is watching TV and wearing a sweatshirt. Taub enters, wearing his coat. It’s still dark and raining outside.]

Foreman: I called you three times.

Taub: My phone wasn't exactly on. I figure I'll be getting some angry calls once radiology sends back the angiogram.

Foreman: They already did. [picks up an x-ray from the table] Here… this is what you saw. It's an anatomical variant of the skull — the bone in proximity to a blood vessel. There was nothing wrong with him. That was reason "G."

Taub: That's good news for him.

[Cut to Arlene’s room. She can’t breathe. Kaufman is holding an oxygen mask over her nose. Cuddy rushes in.]

Cuddy: Lungs clear?

Kaufman: Diffuse wheezing, tightness, pruritis.

Cuddy: It's an allergic reaction.

Kaufman: Looks like. Doesn't make any sense. She's on prednisone. How could she get an allergic reaction?

[Cut to Cuddy’s office. Her face is in her hands. House is pacing. Chase, Foreman and Taub sit in a row.]

Cuddy: I switched out the antibiotics, put her back on prednisone — her breathing's normal. But the a-fib's back, and her fever's up.

Taub: Allergy's got to be due to our antibiotics.

House: Does Kaufman know what we did? That's good.

Cuddy: No, that is terrible! He doesn't know that she got worse on antibiotics, so now he's thinking endocarditis. He'll put her back on the antibiotics that almost suffocated her. What do we do?

House: We push through this. It started in the heart. Endocarditis still fits. It's just got to be fungal. We have to switch Kaufman's antibiotics for amphotericin B.

Foreman: I don't know if you're right. I don't care. But we are gonna end up k*lling this woman if we keep confusing her attending with these secret meds.

House: I don't care about confusing the attending! I want this woman—

Foreman: We're not talking about simple antibiotics anymore. Amphotericin B is dangerous in itself. It's a poison. That's why it kills fungi. It'll give her fever, chills—

House: Which she already has, which will help us hide it.

Cuddy: I don't think I can take a risk like that.

House: [shouts] Well, then you shouldn't have let her f*re me! [calmer] Look, all you have to do is switch the I.V.s again.

Cuddy: This has blown up on you once already.

Taub: He's right.

Chase: Yep.

Cuddy: I'm so sorry I got you guys into this. You should go.

[Foreman is out the door immediately, followed by Taub and Chase.]

House: I'm right.

Cuddy: I know. And I'll do it, but—

[The team didn’t close the office door, behind House, when they left. Cuddy looks up and House turns to see Masters standing there. House turns back to Cuddy and rolls his eyes heavenward.]

[Cut to Masters sitting on the couch, reading the last entries in Arlene’s file.]

Masters: I agree. Fungal endocarditis fits. [Cuddy and House are both relieved.] But we still have to tell your mother. [Cuddy looks at her, disbelievingly.] I don't want to tell her, not at all. But the patient is the highest priority.

House: I'm kicking you out of your office. Yes, you. This is not her office yet. [Cuddy leaves. Masters looks scared. House crosses to sit behind the desk, looming over Masters in the process.] If you tell anyone, I will get you thrown out of med school, and I will destroy your career.

Masters: I've thought about that. Lying about me… won't work. Everybody knows your reputation. [She’s nervous but resolute. She punctuates her speech with little head nods as if to reassure herself that she agrees with what she’s saying.]

House: True… but I won't have to lie. Buried in your coma patient's big, big file is a form that doesn't allow treatment without the expressed consent of the relatives.

Masters: Wait…

House: You drew blood. And that's not just a screw-up. It's a criminal as*ault.

Masters: But you told me—

House: No. As you may recall… [He mimes zipping his lip again.]

Masters: You set me up? [long pause as she processes this] Why?

House: [very quiet, very serious] Because this patient is the highest priority.

[Masters nods slightly, nods again and tries to smile.]

[Cut to a bathroom. The door bursts open, Masters rushes in and just gets the toilet lid up in time to vomit. She leans back and wipes her hair out of her face. She’s breathing heavily.]

[Cut to a men’s room. The janitors haven’t been there – there’s toilet paper scattered on the floor. Taub stands in front of a urinal. Finished he shakes once and starts to zip himself up. A hand grabs the back of his neck and shoves his face into the wall. He falls to the floor. His nose is bleeding profusely.]

Jamie: You made her think I was hiding her son being sick! She scuttled the settlement. She reported me to the bar. I got to deal with that crap now. I will sue you for slander, for tortious interference, and anything else I can use to destroy you. Oh, and my sister says stay out of her life… You failure. [whispers to himself as he leaves] Five years of therapy.

[Cut to Arlene’s room. Kaufman, Cuddy and Julia are there. The door opens.]

Masters: Dr. Kaufman? I need to speak with you and the patient alone.

[Cut to Arlene’s room shortly thereafter. Kaufman is agitated. Cuddy is on the couch under the window, head in hand. House and Masters are at the foot of the bed, facing Kaufman.]

Kaufman: I'm skipping the credentials committee. I'm going straight to the state board and reporting you for — what you've done is so off the spectrum, I don't know there's a specific name for it.

House: [to Masters] I think he's talking to you.

Cuddy: Marty, calm down.

Kaufman: And you — what you did is worse. He's an insane lunatic. You're the Dean of Medicine!

Arlene: I want you off my case.

Kaufman: That's exactly right.

Arlene: Don't get excited. You're fired too.

Kaufman: What?

Arlene: I'll never get away from House or my daughter if I stay here. Transfer me

to Princeton General.

Cuddy: Mom… you're very ill, and you're very angry. You really think now is the right time to make a decision like this?

Arlene: You lied to me and betrayed me. Do you think I really care what you consider a good idea anymore?

[She turns her head away while everyone lets this sink in for several moments.]

Cuddy: I'll get the ambulance. [leaves]

House: [to Masters] Happy?

[Cut to Cuddy’s office. She and House enter. She’s almost in tears. The storm outside rages on.]

Cuddy: I can't believe it. What just happened?

House: You just k*lled her.

Cuddy: Are you blaming me? This is all because you're so arrogant, you goaded her into f*ring you!

House: Actually, my mistakes started a little after that, when I agreed to your brilliant scheme to keep me on the case after she'd fired me off it.

Cuddy: She would have left the hospital.

House: Only 'cause you would have let her, like you did just now.

Cuddy: You think I can control her?

House: I don't know. I've never seen you try.

Cuddy: I have been rebelling against this woman my entire life.

House: Here's what I've seen. She insults you, you complain to me. I drug her at dinner, you never let her know. We slip her medicine, happens behind her back. You never confront her… and it pisses me off.

Cuddy: Are you taking this personally?

House: She leaves, she dies. One day… maybe a week from now, maybe a year from now, you're gonna decide that the man sleeping next to you k*lled your mother. [He looms in] Get me my patient back.

[Cut to the ambulance bay. Cuddy dashes through the rain and opens the door to an ambulance. Arlene is on a stretch and Julia is sitting opposite her.]

Julia: This is really bad, Lise.

Lisa: I swear to God, Jules, I will call security! [Julia balks for a moment then leaves. Cuddy climbs in and sits in her place.] I asked you before why you were tough on me.

Arlene: I wasn't.

Cuddy: You were. And I know why. You see something in me that you didn't see in Julia and you didn't see in you — a type of ambition, a type of brains. That's why you rode me. You made me yearbook editor, summa undergrad, A.O.A. in med school. The only time I ever see light in your eyes is when you hear me talking about my job. The reason you keep coming to see me in the clinic is because you trust me. You trust my medical judgment. So here it is. If you transfer to Princeton General, you'll be treated well, and you'll die. If you stay here with House, you'll be treated badly, but you'll live. I don't care if I have to slash the tires of every ambulance in this bay, Mom. I am not letting you leave my hospital.

[Cut to Arlene’s room. She’s being transferred back to her bed.]

Nurse: One, two, three.

Cuddy: I got it. How you feeling, Mom?

Arlene: I feel a little dizzy.

House: Your heart's still weak from the infection. We'll hang an antifungal I.V. [He starts getting the I.V. bag ready]

Arlene: If you're so great, how come you're not running your department anymore?

Cuddy: What are you talking about, Mom?

Arlene: That's what he told me.

House: Two days ago? I said that I didn't have a department to run, I was being sarcastic.

Arlene: No, you weren't.

House: Right, because people who are talking can't tell if they're being sarcastic.

Arlene: That doesn't make any sense. Of course they can. But you weren't.

[House and Cuddy exchange looks. House thinks for a moment then speaks very deliberately.]

House: I love A-Rod. He's soooo modest. And I highly respect the paintings he has of himself as a centaur. Question — do I like A-Rod?

Arlene: Yes… Whoever he is.

Cuddy: She can't recognize sarcasm?

House: Deficit in the right parahippocampal gyrus, which means CNS involvement before the fever. [puts the I.V. bag down] I was wrong about the endocarditis.

Arlene: [weakly] I-I don't — I don't feel— [She passes out.]

Cuddy: Mom? Mom! Heart rate 170. Nurse! [to House] Do something.

House: I am.

Cuddy: House!

House: The fever was hypothalamic. That means brain, heart, anemia, allergy. You hear that, what do you think?

Cuddy: [injecting something in Arlene’s I.V. line] I don't know.

House: You think heavy-metal toxicity.

Cuddy: It can't be. You treated with chelation for lead.

House: She got better, then she got worse. She never stopped being poisoned.

Cuddy: What are you doing?

[He goes to a cart, opens a drawer and takes something out.]

House: You really want me to stop and explain? [He snaps on a glove, unsheathes a scalpel and makes an incision in Arlene’s hip. Arlene, who is still out of it, moans slightly.] There it is. Look at that.

Cuddy: The muscle's black. Necrosis?

House: Metallosis. Her artificial hip "weared and teared" way too much. It's cobalt poisoning. We need Chase to get an O.R. I'm gonna start chelation again.

[Cuddy pulls another bag out of the cart. She and House look at each other as they begin to work on Arlene together.]

[Cut to Taub’s hotel room. He’s sitting on the bed. His nose is packed and he looks a mess. There’s a quiet knock on the door. He doesn’t answer. After another knock, Rachel enters and sits next to him.]

Taub: I thought you didn't want to see me.

Rachel: I didn't. Foreman called me. I didn't know that you thought that little boy had a bleed in his head. I will k*ll my brother if he messes with you anymore.

Taub: What do you care?

Rachel: Chris… you were a crappy husband… but you are a good person.

[She pulls his head onto her shoulder and holds him. He wraps his hand around her forearm.]

[Cut to locker room. Masters is packing up her locker. House enters.]

House: Once again, you are unfired.

Masters: Why?

House: You sold me out even though you knew that you were gonna get thrown out of med school. That's just… kind of impressive.

Masters: I keep my job if I stand up to you. I keep it if I don't. I… don't buy it.

House: When Cuddy was protecting me before, she was protecting a doctor. She's now protecting a boyfriend. The hospital's not gonna put up with that for long. So I need you to protect me from doing something Cuddy will regret. See you bright and late tomorrow.

[He leaves. Her chin wobbles a little and she snuffles, but she puts her lab coat back in her locker.]

[Cut to Arlene’s room. Julia is holding the old artificial hip.]

Julia: Mom… Why would you want to keep this?

[Cuddy enters.]

Arlene: So I can mount it on the wall, like a moose head. [Julia steps away. Arlene gestures at her computer.] It says here cobalt can cause rashes, dizziness, and stomach problems. You still think I've been imagining the whole thing?

Cuddy: Okay, you might have a point. How do you feel?

Arlene: You know, a little dizziness… some pain.

[Cuddy is gripping the side rail of the bed. Arlene slips her hand, with an oximeter on her finger, into Cuddy’s hand. They hold hands. Cuddy smiles.]
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x11 - Family Practice"}