Half-Acre. Elliot and Keith are sunbathing. Elliot unclips her top and J.D. prepares to apply sunscreen.

J.D.'s Narration: It was a beautiful day. So I invited Elliot over to my half-acre for some friendly sunbathing.

(J.D. rubs sunscreen on Keith's back.)

J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, she brought Keith.

Elliot: Oh, thanks for doing that, J.D., I do it myself, but the Bopsie twins are already loose.

J.D.: Don't worry. It's not that h*m*, is it?

Keith: [biting his towel] Oh, God, no.

J.D.'s Narration: Keith didn't know I mildly disliked him. He also didn't know I was rubbing Crisco on his back.

Keith: Does it smell like pie crust?

J.D.: That's the rhododendron, Keith, everybody knows they smell like pie when they bloom.

Elliot: Hey, nice new watch, J.D.

J.D.: Thank you!

J.D.'s Narration: It wasn't a watch. Now that Elliot had gotten serious with Keith, I needed to get tighter with Turk. And since he's so busy being married and trying to have a baby, I had only one option.

J.D.: [to his watch] Come in, brown bear.

J.D.'s Narration: I got us watchie-talkies

(Cut to Turk and Carla's apartment.)

Turk: [on watchie talkie] Hey, white shadow.

J.D.: That's not my handle.

Turk: [sigh] Hey, Gizmo.

(Cut to half-acre.)

J.D.: Right on. Hey, what are you doing, man? I'm about to take out the slip and slide. Let's do it.

Turk: Dude I can't.

(Cut to Turk and Carla's apartment.)

Turk: [on watchie talkie] It's baby-making time. How's it going with Keith?

(Cut to half-acre.)

J.D.: [on watchie talkie] Awesome, check this.

(J.D. holds the watchie-talkie to Keith's back, which is sizzling. Cut to Turk and Carla's apartment.)

Turk: [on watchie talkie] Bacon back! Classic!

Carla: Hey stud, you ready to fertilize an egg?

Turk: [on watchie talkie, whispering.] Gotta go. Maintain radio silence on all channels.

(Cut to hospital hallway. Dr. Cox walks down the hallway to the ICU, flanked on either side by staffers standing at attention.)

J.D.'s Narration: A local magazine named Dr. Cox the best doctor in the city. Dr. Cox felt this was big news.

Dr. Cox: All right. Here's how it's going to work, people. I'm going to ask each and every one of you just exactly who is the very finest physician in this city. To which you will respond: "You are!" If you do not reply in a timely and exuberant fashion, my associate here will take his mop, and these are his words, not mine, popsicle you.

(Janitor makes a violent upwards movement with his mop.)

Dr. Cox: Now, my lovely ex-wife will demonstrate. Darling, just exactly who is the very best physician in our fair city?

Jordan: You are. And now, as agreed, you owe me a night on the town and some me actually getting to finish sex.

Dr. Cox: Well done. Now, down the line we go.

(Dr. Cox walks down the line as Janitor walks behind the line. Dr. Cox points to each person in turn.)

Nurse: You are!

Patient: You are!

Nurse: You are!

Laverne: You are!

Lonnie: Yar!

(Janitor "popsicles" Lonnie)

Lonnie: GOD! Why?

Janitor: You combined "you" and "are," you said "yar." It made no sense.

Dr. Cox: It's true, Lonnie. Everyone heard it. Poke him again.

(Janitor pokes Lonnie again.)

Lonnie: Dihh.

Dr. Cox: Bob Kelso, will you be joining us?

Dr. Kelso: Hmm? There was a line. I assumed it had something to do with cupcakes.

Dr. Cox: Bob, obviously you read the article.

Dr. Kelso: Perry, the last publication I read was the issue of "Out" my son left by the crapper when he was home this weekend asking for money. You'll never get my validation, hot sh*t.

(Dr. Kelso exits.)

Dr. Cox: And just exactly where was the poke?

Janitor: Mm. I froze. Give me another twenty bucks, I'll go crack him over the head.

(Dr. Cox slaps a twenty into Janitor's hand.)

Dr. Cox: Eh, k*ll him if you have to.

(Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment. Turk and Carla are in bed.)

Turk: That was amazing baby. I've never felt so close to you.

Carla: Oh, me too. Ahh. Turk?

(Turk is out of bed and dressed already.)

Turk: Were you not done cuddling honey? Because I was thinking we could go over to J.D's half-acre, put a blanket down, you can lie on my lap while I stroke your hair.

Carla: Real reason, Turk.

Turk: J.D. has a slip and slide and I want to show him some of my slammin' new moves. I call this "The Captain."

(Turk strikes a pose.)

Turk: Right? And there's this one: "The Dolphin."

(Turk strikes another pose.)

Carla: I swear Turk, sometimes I think you and J.D. are more of a couple than we are.

J.D.: [over watchie talkie] Tell her I've known you longer.

Carla: Ugh.

Nurses' Station. Keith is showing his sunburn to Elliot

Keith: Yeah, I just don't usually burn this bad.

Elliot: Ohh. Don't worry, later I'm going to find some aloe and rub it on wherever it hurts.

Keith: Well, it's just on my back, really.

Elliot: Keith, that was innuendo, you were going to work on this.

Keith: Oh, right, right, right, right. OK, um, it also hurts under my pants -- in my pants. Dammit! I can't get this!

Elliot: Sweetie, you'll get it. You'll get it.

(They kiss. Laverne watches.)

Elliot: What? Laverne, what?

Laverne: No judgment here, child.

J.D.'s Narration: People were starting to talk about Elliot and Keith. But I decided to stay above the fray. Then I changed my mind.

J.D.: Can you believe those two?

Laverne: No, I can't. All that carrying on in public.

Nurse #1: It's way too much.

J.D.: It's just too much. Sorry, I switched places so I could go again.

(Rex enters.)

Rex: Dr. Dorian?

J.D.: Yes, Rex?

Rex: Uh, Mrs. LeVinne won't take her medication.

J.D.: Mrs. LeVinne has dementia, Rex, and I know she loves sweets. So take the pill, put it in some raspberry jam, put it on your finger, dip it in her mouth, helloo!

(Rex exits.)

J.D.'s Narration: Rex would forever remember that morning as the time he lost his fingertip. But with patients, it's luck of the draw. you can't choose how tolerant they are.

(Pan to hallway. Turk pushes an old lady in a wheelchair.)

Patient: Young man, can you make sure they don't give me any black blood?

Turk: I'll try.

(Cut to a patient's room.)

J.D.'s Narration: You can't choose how classy they are.

Carla: Oh, your hernia stitches look great, Mr. Borland.

Mr. Borland: Could you give them a kiss?

Carla: Maybe later.

(Cut to another patient's room.)

Dr. Cox: Hello.

Patient: It's about time. Are you my doctor?

Dr. Cox: Yes, I am. I'm gonna go ahead and give a second so you can think about how lucky that makes you.

Patient: Don't try to be funny. Now here's a list of things I'm going to need you to take care of.

(She hands a list to Dr. Cox.)

Dr. Cox: That is so helpful. Let's take a look at this.

(Dr. Cox exits and crumples up the list and tosses it aside without looking at it. Cut to cafeteria.)

Keith: Hey!

Elliot: Hey, when are you coming over tonight?

Keith: I can't, I'm on call. I'm really worried about a patient with metastatic adenocarcinoma.

Elliot: Aww, see this is why I hate cancer.

(Dr. Cox enters and whistles.)

Dr. Cox: Listen up!

Keith: You are!

Dr. Cox: We're not doing that anymore. Now, you're fairly strong at diagnosing, right?

Keith: Yes, sir.

Dr. Cox: Terrific. I need to you to go upstairs and figure out what's wrong with that darn third-floor coffee machine. And Gandharoo, I need you to talk to a young pregnant black girl who will not let me call her mom.

Turk: Why would she listen to me?

Dr. Cox: I may have told her that you're Kanye West.

Turk: I'm actually all right with that.

Dr. Cox: Let's go, group.

(Dr. Cox, Turk and Keith exit.)

Elliot: They are three manly men.

Jordan: Perry gets his chest waxed.

Elliot: Keith likes to knit throw pillows.

Carla: Turk might be sterile.

Jordan: We have a winner.

Carla: I can't get pregnant and I already got a fertility test.

Elliot: So why don't you just ask him to get tested?

Carla: Oh, Turk is very sensitive when it comes to his manliness. Remember when I told him his backpack looked like a purse?

(Flashback: Turk's and Carla's apartment - bathroom. Carla is knocking on the door.)

Carla: Turk, honey, I didn't mean it.

Turk: I'm a man! And a man does not carry a purse! GAAAHHH!! AAAH!

(End flashback.)

Carla: Yeah, ha ha ha, huh.

Elliot: So, if you can't ask him to get tested, then what the hell are you going to do?

Carla: That's easy. I'm gonna sperm-jack him.

Jordan. Sure-sure.

(Cut to ICU.)

Elliot: All right, everyone, I've made a little tweak to the schedule. Uh, Lisa, you're on tonight and Keith is off because he's got some hospital-related business to tend to.

Lisa: Agh-k-pbth.

Elliot: Hey, don't give me that look, Lisa, you'd be off if you had a good reason.

Lisa: Like if you and I were sleeping together?

Elliot: First of all, the only woman in this hospital that I would even consider sleeping with is is Jamie in pediatrics, mmmm.

(All the women sigh and moan.)

Elliot: And, secondly, uh, I'm the attending. So tough tuckus.

(Elliot and Keith exit.)

J.D.: Uh, wow.

Lisa: It's just so unfair!

Gloria: So unfair.

J.D.: It really is unfair, you guys!

Turk: [on watchie-talkie] Hey, Gizmo, can you check on Mr. Jensen for me?

J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] No problem, brown bear. Are you nude right now?

(Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment.)

Turk: [on watchie-talkie] Yeah! How did you know?

J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] Because your voice is always higher when you're nude.

(Cut to ICU.)

Turk: [on watchie-talkie] Ha ha ha! That's true!

Dr. Cox: It's not weird that you know that at all.

(Dr. Cox enters his patient's room.)

Patient: Uh, Bob, just a note about the tapioca, I'm much more partial to flan.

Dr. Kelso: You're a flan fan? Fun to say, more fun to eat. Anyway, anything that you need, you just ask Dr. Cox. Perry, Bonnie here is an old friend.

Dr. Cox: Can't say I'm shocked.

Dr. Kelso: Take care of her.

Dr. Cox: You can count on me, Bobboo.

(Dr. Kelso exits)

Dr. Cox: Here's the lowdown. In three hours my shift ends, at which point I will be leaving you and meeting with my ex-wife for a celebratory best doctor in the city date guaranteed to end in crazy hotel room sex. I'm thinking six-inch heels, a leather mask, and fishnet stockings. Who knows? She may even get dressed up. good news for you though, is that you have a simple case of hyper-calcemia. Any trained monkey can treat it. Let's see who that monkey's gonna be.

(Dr. Cox takes Bonnie's banana and holds it out the door.)

Rex: Ooh, banana.

(Dr. Cox grabs Rex and drags him into the room.)

Dr. Cox: Rex it is. Good night. You're in very capable nine-fingered hands.

(Dr. Cox exits. Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment - bedroom. Turk is blindfolded and tied to the bed.)

Turk: I don't know what's gotten into you, baby, but I am turned ON!

(Pan to Carla, who is fidgeting with a vacuum pump.)

Carla: OK, honey, this might feel a little weird, but I promise you, you will love it.

(Cut to living room. Turk has the vacuum pump.)

Turk: Honey? How could you think I wouldn't notice this on my dangle?

Carla: You were enjoying it until it started making that grinding noise.

Turk: I know we're having a hard time getting pregnant. But sweetness, it could be you.

Carla: I already got tested.

Turk: Oh.

(Cut to the bathroom. Carla is knocking on the door.)

Carla: Turk...

Turk: I'm a man! And I can make babies!

(Cut to hospital hallway. Dr. Cox and Jordan are dressed up to go out.)

Dr. Cox: I'm not afraid to tell you, Jordan, I think it's going to be a hell of a night. I got us a penthouse.

Jordan: Great! How much did that run you?

(Dr. Cox indicates the magazine he is carrying.)

Dr. Cox: Oh, about five bucks. I figure while I'm in the shower you can get yourself revved up.

Jordan: Awesome.

(Janitor blocks their path with his mop.)

Dr. Cox: Aw, now what the hell, Mongo?

Janitor: Sorry. I'm his man now.

(Dr. Kelso enters.)

Dr. Kelso: Hello, Perry.

Janitor: Now don't get me wrong. I h*t him hard, twice. It just made him mad. That guy's got a skull like a mountain goat.

Dr. Kelso: Perry, when I told you to treat Mrs. Cooke, I meant it. If I'd wanted to waste my breath I would have given my wife mouth-to-mouth when she went into cardiac arrest. She's OK, my mistress used to be a lifeguard. Now, get your ass back in there.

(Dr. Kelso exits.)

Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, baby. It looks like we're gonna have to take a rain check.

Jordan: No, you are.

(She takes the magazine and approaches Janitor, who lets her pass.)

Janitor: Enjoy your evening, ma'am.

Jordan: Thank you.

(Jordan exits. Dr. Cox starts after her, but Janitor stops him.)

Janitor: No can do.

(Cut to ICU. Elliot and Keith are about to leave.)

Elliot: Hey, we're gonna get going.

Dr. Cox: No, no, no, no, there is no way that you get to spring your little boy toy here for a night of passionless passion while my ass is stuck here and Jordan is in a hotel somewhere whispering sweet nothings to a shower nozzle.

Elliot: Aww--uhh.

(Elliot turns to J.D. for help.)

J.D.: I'm gonna go hang out back here.

(J.D. retreats to the group of interns watching.)

Dr. Cox: I tell you what we're gonna do. We'll leave it up to your interns. [whistles]] Who here doesn't think that Barbie should abuse her power?

(All the interns raise their hands.)

Dr. Cox: Ah. There we go. Fair and square.

J.D's Narration: It's a strange feeling when everyone is stuck in hell, and you're not.

(Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment - bathroom.)

Turk: I might be sterile?

Carla: Oh, honey, stay calm. Nobody knows but us.

J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] You f*ring blanks, buddy?

Turk: Ohhh....

(Cut to Elliot's apartment. J.D. is watching TV.)

J.D.'s Narration: I was just glad to watch TV and for once, not be in a world of crap.

(Elliot enters, angry.)

Elliot: Why didn't you stand up for me?

J.D.'s Narration: Or not.

Elliot: Attendings switch schedules all the time, J.D. You switched last week and I totally defended you. You know what's really going on here? You don't like Keith. Go ahead, tell me I'm wrong.

(J.D. shrugs.)

Elliot: Thanks, J.D. You're a great friend.

(Elliot exits to her bedroom and slams the door.)

Turk: [on watchie-talkie] At least you're not sterile.

J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] Amen to that, C-Bear.

Elliot's apartment - Kitchen.

J.D.'s Narration: The next morning, I braced myself for Elliot's odd brand of revenge.

(J.D. is cracking eggs into a bowl, but the shells are all empty.

J.D.'s Narration: And there it was.

J.D.: Did you individually drain all my eggs?

Elliot: Morning!

(She holds up a Ziplock bag off egg yokes and whites.)

J.D.: Fine, I'll just have an apple.

Elliot: Oh, looking for this?

(She holds up another bag of apple flesh. J.D. squeezes his apple. It is hollow.)

J.D.: How did you do that?

(Elliot returns to her room and slams the door.)

J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] I'm having a rough morning, Brown Bear, how you doing with your sterility?

(Cut to Turk, in a crowded elevator full of hospital staff.)

Turk: [on watchie-talkie] Uhh, can't talk about that right now, I'm in an elevator.

J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] Not reading you, Brown Bear! I repeat, are you still sterile?

Laverne: This is so juicy I feel dizzy.

(Cut to Nurses' Station. Turk disposes his watchie-talkie in a trash can.)

Turk: Stupid watchie-talkie.

(Pan to Laverne, surrounded by a group of nurses.)

Laverne: I heard they're trying to have children, but they can't because he--

(She notices Turk and stops. The nurses gasp.)

Carla: Don't worry, baby. I'll kick her ass for you later.

Turk: Mmm.

Carla: We can go to the fertility clinic after work.

Turk: I can handle this thing by myself. Besides, when you went to get your fertility test you didn't take me.

Carla: Are you sure?

Turk: Yeah, yeah, besides, I've been giving the fellow some inspirational pep talks. [to his waist] Gotta want it, boys! There's no "I" in sperm!

(Cut to cafeteria. Elliot enters and hands Keith a folder.)

Elliot: Hey! You get a patient with elastic seizures!

Keith: Awesome! Every intern wanted this case.

(Keith exits and Elliot sits with Carla and Jordan.)

Carla: Elliot! You're asking for trouble. Everybody's already talking.

Jordan: Mmhmm.

Elliot: Keith is the best intern. I mean he shouldn't be punished because he has to sleep with me.

Jordan: Has to?

Elliot: Ge--gets to. He gets to sleep with me. As a woman, have you ever noticed how old self-esteem issues sort of creep up on you?

Carla: I have sausage fingers.

Jordan: Do you remember wen I pulled strings with the board and got Perry that promotion?

Elliot: Yeah.

Jordan: People started talking. And Perry got totally emasculated. So it worked out great for me.

(Jordan rolls her eyes.)

Elliot: I should not care what other people think. Right, Carla? Oh, sweetie, they're beautiful!

Carla: [sadly] They're kielbasas.

(Cut to hospital exterior. Janitor is dumping trash into the dumpster.)

J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] Come in, Brown Bear, come in Brown Bear. If you're around, I'm having some java out front.

(Janitor takes a cantaloupe out of the dumpster and throws it at the roof.)

Janitor: Huah!

(Cut to J.D., in the parking lot. The cantaloupe hits him on the head. Cut back to Janitor.)

J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] Waah! I'm h*t! I'm h*t!

Janitor: Haa! Oh, this is gonna be fantastic.

(Cut to Nurses' Station.)

Turk: All right, look. I know I said I wanted to go by myself to get tested today, but I've been doing some thinking and I'm scared. So, it'd mean a lot if you went with me.

J.D.: Of course, buddy.

(Cut to fertility clinic waiting room.)

Turk: You know I'm not comfortable getting busy with myself.

J.D.: Well, you're in luck. This happens to be my specialty. Here's some tips. If you can't get over the fact that you're doing it to yourself, sit on your arm until it falls asleep, then pull it out and use that. I call it "The Stranger."

Turk: If I ever have kids you are never allowed to babysit.

J.D.: I can't believe you're ready to have kids. We spend all day taking care of old people, washing them, cleaning them, why would you want to bring that home?

Turk: J.D., we're talking about kids. Not going home to a house full of old folks.

(Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. Elliot's apartment full of old people.)

J.D.: All right, fellas, two quick announcements! First of all, whoever's been filling up my Tivo with JAG reruns, let's cut it out. Secondly, Harvey, no matter how drunk you get, I like to sleep alone.

Harvey: But I like to snuggle.

J.D.: That's your problem, buddy, I got my own thing.

(End flashback.)

Nurse: OK, uh, Chris Turk?

Turk: Yeah.

Nurse: We're ready for you.

J.D.: Excuse me, are any of the reading materials in there available for those of us out here?

Janitor: [on watchie talkie] Hey J.D., this is--that black surgeon you always hang out with. Come on outside to the ramp -- dawg.

(Cut to hospital entrance. Janitor is on the roof with a computer monitor.)

Janitor: Any second. Any second, now.

(Cut to Mrs. Cooke's room. Dr. Cox exhales loudly.)

Mrs. Cooke: Oh, for God's sake, breathe through your nose. You sound like my bulldog.

Dr. Cox: You know, as a doctor, I rarely root for the disease, but with you, I find myself cheering "Go, hyper-calcemia with underlying M.E.N. syndrome, Go, go go!"

Mrs. Cooke: Do you drink out of the toilet? My bulldog drinks out of the toilet.

Dr. Cox: God Almighty.

(Dr. Cox exits as the interns march in.)

Lisa: Dr. Reid. We think it is lame that you give Keith preferential treatment. We're filing a formal complaint with Dr. Kelso.

Elliot: Oh, OK. Sure, you know what? You guys can tell Dr. Kelso whatever you want because all he's gonna hear are the facts. I'm sleeping with Keith, he gets his schedule shifted and he gets the most interesting cases. [pause] Who wants twenty bucks?

(All the interns except Lisa raise their hand.)

Elliot: Well, that's not gonna work because I don't have that much money, so...

(Cut to privacy room in fertility clinic. Turk enters with a sample jar. He sits down, looks at his hand, then sits on it. Someone knocks on the door.)

Turk: I just got in here!

(Carla enters.)

Turk: Baby, what are you doing here?

Carla: I was home, thinking about my fertility test and how badly I wanted you to be there with me.

Turk: Baby, I'm a man, and we're not that vulnerable.

Carla: I don't really know why I didn't tell you about it. I guess I was just scared that if I got bad news, I'd be letting you down.

Turk: I can see how you'd feel that way.

Carla: Anyway, I thought I'd come over.

Turk: Aww, thanks, sweetie. But you might want to go outside, because I'm about to fill - this - up.

Carla: Why would I wait outside?

(Carla turns off the light.)

Turk: That's what's up.

(Cut to Mrs. Cooke's room. Dr. Kelso and Dr. Cox stand outside.)

Dr. Cox: You are more than welcome to have your g*ons take both of my thumbs and break them, Bob, but I am officially O-U-T out. I mean, come on. I don't even see how you can like that woman.

Dr. Kelso: I don't. She was married to my best friend, Richard. He died a few years back. You know the deal with friends. If they love them, you have to love them whether you like it or not.

J.D.: Dr. Kelso, do you really believe that? Or are you just saying that to look good? Ah, who am I kidding. You don't care what anybody thinks about you, do you? I gotta tell you though, you gave me some good advice about how to deal with Elliot. Gootchie, gootchie, gootchie goo!

(J.D. tickles Dr. Kelso, then exits.)

Dr. Kelso: Can I f*re him?

Dr. Cox: Sleep on it. Say, one more thing about Devil Lady in there. Why me?

Dr. Kelso: I know it's a minor condition, Perry, but you know how things can turn.

Dr. Cox: But, you wanted me in there because I'm the best, what, Bob?

Dr. Kelso: No.

Dr. Cox: Say it, or I'll go in there and tell her you're dying to be with her a lot more often.

Dr. Kelso: [gibberish]

Dr. Cox: Beg pardon?

Dr. Kelso: You're the best doctor.

Dr. Cox: Thank you, Bob. Means a lot to me.

(Cut to Admissions Area. Elliot is addressing the interns.)

Elliot: Listen, I know that everyone is very upset, but I really don't think that there's any need to bother Dr. Kelso, and uh...

Lisa: It's too late, Dr. Reid.

J.D.: You're right, Lisa, it is too late, because from now on, I'm going to be handing out all the case assignments. For instance, this cool case right here.

(J.D. takes the folder from Keith.)

J.D.: Should I give it to the most annoying intern? Because that would be you, Lisa. Or maybe I should give it to the most incompetent intern missing a finger, because that would be you Rex. Or maybe I should just give it to the best intern, which would be you, Keith.

(J.D. gives the folder back to Keith.)

J.D.: Now if anyone wants to tell on me, to whomever they like, they can. Good day.

(Cut to half-acre. J.D. hands Keith a beer.)

J.D.: Here you go.

Keith: Thanks again, Dr. D.

J.D.: [to Elliot] All right, if you like him, I like him.

(Elliot kisses J.D. on the cheek. Turk and Carla enter.)

Turk: Hey! I'm not sterile!

J.D.: Congratulations!

(Turk and J.D. hug. Keith and Elliot cheer.)

Elliot: Turk's not sterile!

J.D.'s Narration: My friends were all happy. And even though I felt like the fifth wheel, I could take solace in something.

J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] Oh, hey, Turk. I forgot, I can't raid the freezer with you.

(Cut to Janitor, in the freezer. He has a hammer, and is shivering, covered with frost.)

J.D.: [on watchie-talkie] Be careful in there, they lock it up at three.

Janitor: [shivering] Mmm? Oh. Oh-ho ho. I'm gonna k*ll him.

(Cut to half-acre.)

J.D.'s Narration: I had finally won one.
{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x14 - My Own Personal Hell"}