Joe: Let's get back to Phil and Diane. [sh*t of a couple in the darkened audience] Phil's been having a hard time finding work, and Diane wants him to talk to her about his fear, his disappointment. And Phil wants Diane to trust him that they'll get through this, ideally, without having to keep discussing… [exaggerated inhale/shudder] feelings. Not your exact words, but am I wrong?

[Diane smiles.]

Joe: And most guys out there are the same way, but ladies, if you're feeling frustrated, remember… it's not our fault. We were raised to be strong, not emotional, to deny vulnerability, not embrace it. And do you know what that makes us? [pause] Dinosaurs. [audience chuckles] Nobody needs us to hunt wild animals for food. Nobody needs us to cut down trees to build shelter. They need us to evolve, to catch up.

[Joe goes to the table and pours himself some water. His wife, Marlene, watches from the wings and smiles.]

Joe: Since the 1960s, women's roles have shifted radically. [drinks] And as -- uh, as their-- in--as their roles have changed, so have women, they've -- they've, uh -- well, they've become tougher, and more demanding of us. They're partners. And–and -- who can blame them? Who –- who can -- who can, uh… expecting us to -- to do this—

[As he gets more and more incoherent, Joe wanders around the stage. He stops speaking when he falls off the stage, onto the floor in front of the audience. Marlene and some aides rush out.]

Marlene: Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe.

Aide: [on phone] We need an ambulance.

OPENING CREDITS

[Cut to Diagnostics. House, Adams and Park are at the table. Taub is holding two mugs of coffee. He puts one in front of House.]

Taub: You want?

Adams: I'm good. [He sits as Chase joins them.] Your limp's almost gone.

House: It pains me to interrupt the collegial banter, it pains me even more to listen to it continue. 38-year-old man. Spikes a fever and collapses during a speaking engagement. E.R. checks out blood volume, cardiac function, and autonomic reflexes, all normal.

Chase: Patient makes a living telling men to behave more like women. I'm surprised you didn't throw psych symptoms into the differential. Either way, could be a cerebral AVM.

Park: E.R. did a head CT. No sign of AVM. Decent thought, though.

House: The patient's philosophy makes perfect sense. Its only flaw is that it's impossible. Evolution does not work that way. You can't talk legs onto a fish. We're gonna go extinct, and we're gonna do it drinking scotch and driving muscle cars. Am I right? [He puts up both fists.] Am I— [After a long pause, Chase and Taub reluctantly do knuckle bumps with him.] Thank you.

Chase: Cephalic fibromuscular dysplasia?

Park: It doesn't explain the fever. The patient's talking about compromise. If you don't think that's possible, you don't think relationships are possible.

House: Anyone in this room in a position to disprove that?

Park: This guy's just playing to his audience. Women are, by far, the biggest consumers of the self-help industry.

Taub: He could have a pulmonary embolism. Clot in his lung increases right ventricular afterload, drops the blood flow to his brain. We should do a pulmonary angiogram.

[House watches intently, his eyes flicking from Taub to Adams and back.]

Adams: Patient lacks major risk factors for a P.E. Doesn't rule it out, just makes it unlikely. Maybe we start with a D-dimer?

Taub: [nods] Less invasive than the angiogram. Good idea.

House: [reluctantly] Fine. [inhale] Now, I am hereby searching for a number two. So I'm eating a lot of bran. [fake laugh/snort] Also, I want a team leader. Someone to fill Foreman's old job.

Chase: Why?

House: You're right. We don't need any more structure. It's not like we had a near-fatal s*ab.

[House looks into the hall. The rest of the team follows his gaze. Dominika is there. She gives House a little wave as she walks toward his office.]

House: Well, if it isn't the old ball and Ukraine.

[He smiles and goes to his office.]

Adams: Who's that?

Chase: His wife.

[Adams and Park booth look surprised. Taub smirks.]

[Cut to the office.]

House: Dominika.

[He puts his free arm around her waist as she gives him a light kiss and a hug.]

Dominika: House. You survived prison.

House: And you Atlantic City, where they also have gangs and pruno, but slightly less recidivism.

[Behind them, the team leaves the conference room.]

Dominika: I start Ukrainian food truck business. After gambling — win, lose — everybody likes a little knish.

House: You're here, and I seem to remember throwing out a bunch of certified letters from immigration. I'm assuming there's a connection.

Dominika: Our green card interview is in four days. They come to the apartment, they ask questions about marriage, vacations, family history, what side of the bed each sleep on.

House: We've never taken a vacation, I don't like your family, and on top. I hear Kiev is lovely this time of year. And your mother, who may or may not be d*ad for all I know, misses you.

Dominika: Can it be that genius doctor is afraid to take on a silly government apparatchik?

House: Well, I would say more not interested than afraid, but why quibble?

Dominika: Then I go to plan "B." Make you an offer that cannot be refused.

[House looks interested.]

[Cut to Joe’s room. Taub, Adams and Marlene are there.]

Taub: How long you been doing seminars?

Joe: The marriage counseling, just, uh, the past couple years. Before that, I did corporate coaching.

Adams: Can't imagine the same advice works for both audiences. Guess you shifted with the market?

Marlene: There's nothing cynical about my husband. He and I—

Joe: No, it's okay. I get it. What guy thinks men should be more like women? A macho jerk who got a big wake-up call courtesy of three drunks who b*at the crap outta me outside a sports bar in Milwaukee.

Taub: I'm guessing that explains the broken wrist in your medical history?

Joe: Those morons did me the biggest favor of my life. I realized I'd sacrificed my health because I couldn't back down from an argument over football. Meeting Marlene was the final piece in the puzzle. She changed my career, my diet. She gave me a whole new direction in life.

Taub: We'll need to know exactly how you changed your diet, and when.

[Cut to Wilson’s office. He’s doing paperwork. House enters.]

House: Need my apartment key back.

Wilson: If you're breaking up with me, can we at least talk about it first?

House: Maybe if you weren't all nag and no shag.

Wilson: I don't sleep with married men.

House: I'll get a copy made.

Wilson: You're an ex-con. If you get caught perjuring yourself to Homeland Security, you'll end up back in jail.

House: And that would be troubling if there was the slightest chance that we'd get caught.

Wilson: You barely know each other. You've got about five minutes to remake yourselves into a convincing married couple. And… why? Dominika gets a green card. What's in this for you?

House: This is what men do for the women they pretend to love. Also, she's paying me 30,000 bucks once we pass. Apparently knishes sell like hotcakes.

Taub: [entering] Lab results.

House: Afraid you're gonna have to finish your nag later.

Wilson: I said I think it's stupid, right? Then I think I'm done.

[House and Taub leave. The rest of the team is in the hall, waiting.]

Taub: D-dimer came back normal. Rules out pulmonary embolism.

Adams: And our patient's a true believer about the follies of masculinity. He underwent a spiritual overhaul three years ago. He also went off gluten and red meat. Unfortunately, that doesn't explain any of his symptoms.

House: One of those points is not absurd.

Adams: What's absurd about a change of heart? What this guy believes is making him a better person. He's going against his baser instincts.

[The elevator arrives and they get in.]

House: "Base" meaning foundational. Meaning things we are biologically programmed to do. Yes, perfectly natural that he stopped doing that stuff. [confidentially, to Adams] You know, that's the kind of lapse that could take you out of the running for team leader.

Adams: I feel surprisingly okay with that.

House: Comes with a 50-buck-a-week raise.

Park: I'm in.

Chase: You don't want to do that. Might need your dignity later in life.

[Getting of the elevator.]

House: You didn't. And she could be on her way to living the dream unless the rest of you nut up and give her— [He stops and thinks.] This spiritual overhaul… did it come after a physical overhaul? A major injury of some kind?

Taub: Bar fight. But there's no way a broken wrist explains—

House: Adams, come with me. [to Chase] You too. You guys… get a copy of that made. [He gives his key to Park.]

[Cut to Joe’s room.]

House: Did those dudes bend your ball sack like Beckham? Three years ago. The bar fight.

[Joe and Marlene gape at him.]

Adams: This is Dr. House. He has a theory.

[House opens his arm, “dropping” his pen several feet away.]

House: Oh, Dr. Adams, would you mind? [Adams turns to the door, bends over and picks up the pen. Marlene glances at her. Joe continues to stare at House.] I asked you a question. I assume you know the answer.

Joe: Yeah, I took a couple serious knees to the groin.

[House drops a box of tissues from the bed tray onto the floor behind him.]

House: Wha — what has gotten into me? Dr. Chase. [Chase looks suspicious.] Just pick it up.

[Chase turns and stoops to pick up the box.]

Joe: Do you know what's wrong with me?

House: Nothing that The Golden Girls couldn't have handled in 23 hilarious minutes. You had a hot flash. Those guys kicked your guys hard enough to do lasting damage. You didn't even look when presented with two reasonably attractive tuchi. [loudly, to Chase and Adams] Yeah, I said it!

Joe: I was listening to my doctor.

House: People generally listen with their ears, leaving their eyes free to wander. I'm guessing that your testosterone level is just below "Bieber." Do a blood test to confirm, and start hormone replacement. It's no wonder that you think women are so great. You've basically been one for the last three years.

[On that exit line, House opens the door and leaves.]

Taub: Tests confirm House is right. Low testosterone explains all your symptoms. They should go away with replacement therapy. Uh, we're gonna give you a fairly high dose. Over time, your personal physician may reduce it a little. [picks up syringe] Just need you to turn around.

Marlene: Will the sh*ts increase his libido?

Joe: Are you worried about that?

Marlene: No. [slight laugh]

Joe: Have you been unsatisfied?

Marlene: No. No, it's just… Well, it's usually me that initiates things. Sometimes I–I think maybe you aren't that attracted to me.

Joe: Are you crazy?

Taub: With these injections, you will see an increase in sex drive.

Joe: Okay, great.

Marlene: Yeah.

Taub: Okay.

[Joe leans over the bed. He and Marlene smile at each other as Taub gives him the sh*t.]

Taub: All done.

Joe: Okay. [He starts buckling his pants.] Oh, something's wrong. I think I peed myself.

Marlene: Is that from the testosterone?

Taub: [guiding Joe to a seat] It couldn't be. I don't think you're going home just yet.

[Cut to Diagnostics. House is listening and drumming his fingers on his cane.]

Chase: It's not a plumbing problem. Means it's probably neurological.

House: And?

Chase: [pulling some papers to him] And name Dominika's three brothers.

House: Uh… Volodymyr, Oleksiy, and… [frustrated] aaugf.

Adams: Low testosterone is off the table as a symptom. Guy got his nuts cracked three years ago. Don't need to look much further than that.

House: So his hose just happens to spring a leak at the same time he's in a hospital for a totally unrelated problem. [points to Chase, triumphantly] Fjodor.

Chase: It's Fedir.

Taub: If low testosterone means I can't get sick with something else, then punch me in the junk right now.

House: I would, if it weren't redundant. Is Fedir the one who married Mykola?

Chase: [reading] Mykola is… Dominika's uncle?

Adams: How is it you can retain every detail of our habits and personal lives, and none of this?

House: 'Cause I find it hard to remember things I don't give a crap about. Ergo, Dominika has one brother, and his name is Al.

Park: Maybe the testicular damage set the stage for something worse. Multiple Sclerosis causes incontinence, and progresses faster in men with low T.

House: Way to stay on point. It's that kind of leadership that's putting you at the head of the pack.

Chase: There is no pack. She's the only applicant.

House: Well, that's settled, then. Have your underlings do an LP and get a cranio-spinal MRI to check for plaques associated with M.S. I will go tell Foreman about your promotion.

Chase and Adams: Wait.

[Cut to the team leaving Diagnostics and walking down the hall.]

Park: So nobody cares about the job till I apply, and suddenly it's the last limited-edition light saber at Comic-Con.

Chase: Just seems like it should go to someone with more… seniority.

Adams: Meaning you.

Chase: I said "more," not "most."

Adams: Meaning you or Taub.

Taub: House is a dictator. Second in command is a meaningless position.

Park: Doesn't look meaningless on my resume.

Adams: Doesn't have to be meaningless at all. The right person could turn it into something. Get the department running smoothly.

Chase: I wonder who that "right person" could be.

Adams: House is the head of the department. It's only fair that a woman should hold the other position of authority.

Park: Yeah, let's go affirmative action on this, because then I'll definitely win.

Taub: This is what House wants. Wind us up and watch us fight over an empty title, which would make us extra stupid because of what we've just been through. We should let him choose whoever he wants and move on.

[Cut to Joe’s room. Taub, assisted by Adams, is giving him a lumbar puncture.]

Joe: So if these proteins are in my spinal fluid, that means I have M.S.?

Taub: Proteins may indicate M.S. There's no one definitive test. That's why Dr. House ordered an MRI as well.

Adams: This is anesthetic. It's a scary diagnosis. But advances are being made. Several drugs approved just this year.

Joe: To be honest, at the moment, I'm feeling a little more worried about the testosterone injections. It's making me feel, uh, different. Just kind of amped. I went through this big life change, and it felt really… meaningful. But what if it was all just chemistry?

Adams: Loss of testosterone could have been a factor, but think of it as a catalyst. It got you to reevaluate. Now you know what's important. You can choose to hold onto that. Right?

Taub: It's certainly worth trying. [to Joe] Deep breath. Stay very still.

[Cut to Foreman’s office.]

Chase: Just tell House to drop the whole team leader thing. That's the only way it'll go away.

Foreman: I don't think it's such a bad idea. A little more structure in your department couldn't hurt.

Chase: Yeah. House is doing this because of his great love of structure, not because he wants us to turn on each other.

Foreman: So don't do that. It makes sense to have someone in there with a little more accountability.

Chase: As long as it's not Adams. She sees the whole thing as an opportunity to remake the department in her image. Or Park, for obvious reasons. And Taub's got the kids. He's pretty busy.

Foreman: Are you seriously angling for a job that you mocked its fate the whole time I had it?

Chase: I don't want the job.

[Foreman gets in the elevator.]

Foreman: You just don't want anyone else to have it. This'll be great.

[The elevator doors close.]

[Cut to House’s apartment. He is hanging a picture of an old man with a large mustache.]

House: Your grandmother's kind of sexy.

Dominika: That is Taras Shevchenko, the greatest Ukrainian poet.

House: Is he the guy behind "There once was a man from Kremenchuk"?

Dominika: Help me move coffee table.

House: [helping] Well, then where will we have coffee? And by "coffee" I mean scotch.

Dominika: Coffee and booze are artificial high for me. High is in exercise.

[She jumps onto the couch cushions and over the back to reach the stereo. Amy Grant's “Every Heartbeat” starts. Dominika starts jumping around to the music.]

Dominika: Dance aerobics. Fun, and good for the butt.

[There’s a knock on the door. House doesn’t take his eyes off Dominika as he walks over and opens it. He glances at Park as she enters then goes back to watching Dominika.]

Dominika: Whoo!

Park: Amy Grant?

House: I know. But there's a hot girl jumping up and down in my living room, so…

[Park turns off the music. Dominika is unhappy.]

Dominika: Aww!

Park: You have a limited amount of time to learn a ton of uninteresting facts. Welcome to my wheelhouse.

[Park puts a pile of papers and things on the table. She takes off her coat and sits on a chair in front of the fireplace, facing the couch.]

House: You brought a protractor?

Park: You never know when you might need to make a pie chart.

House: [sits on the couch] Looks like someone is currying favor for the team leader position.

[Dominika joins House and puts her arm around his shoulders.]

Park: Yes. We'll be using a basic alphabet technique with a mnemonic multiplier. In high school, they called me "The Bookie Monster." [claps] Pop quiz. Where did you get the candlesticks? [She points to the mantelpiece.] On three. One, two, three.

House: Morocco.

Dominika: Denver.

[Park sighs and reaches into her bag. She pulls out two energy drinks, which she hands to Dominika who passes one to House.]

Park: Drink up. It's gonna be a long night.

[Cut to Taub and Adams monitoring Joe’s MRI.]

Adams: You really think this guy's gonna hulk out once the hormones kick in?

Taub: Some male lizards do push-ups to attract mates. When scientists gave them extra testosterone, they did push-ups until they died. Same drive you took advantage of to get Chase to carry a box of files down to your car yesterday.

Adams: Periventricular and subcortical white matter are clean. So you're saying masculinity is ingrained and irrational.

Taub: I'm saying it's pointless to try—

Adams: By extension, you're also saying femininity is enlightened and rational. It's the way we should all be, guys just are incapable of it.

Taub: [changing the subject] Brain stem and cord are clean.

Joe: Is it okay if I scratch my nose?

Adams: Go ahead. [to Taub] Guess he doesn't have M.S.

Joe: Something's wrong.

Adams: Is it your hand?

Joe: No, it's my eyes. I'm–I'm seeing double.

[He holds his left hands in front of his face and looks at them.]

**

[Cut to the ocean. A palm branch and a green islet can be seen. House, wearing a bright orange Hawaiian shirt and a lei, is holding Dominika close.]

Park: [voice] Smile. It's your honeymoon.

House: [hugging Dominika close] So what causes double vision on top of all the other symptoms?

Adams: [at the conference table] It's not a brain tumor or we would've seen it on the scans. Eye exam didn't offer anything conclusive.

Park: Let's do some winter sh*ts. Wardrobe change.

[House and Dominika get their coats. Hers is fur.]

Taub: Thyroid eye disease in conjunction with Graves.

House: Thyroid level was normal.

[A TV on a cart rolls through the door.]

Chase: Check it out. Simpson traded this in exchange for me helping out on some of my days off.

House: Quite the display of initiative and leadership.

Adams: But you're way too smart to fall for a blatant bribe like that.

Park: Or a blatant flaunting of cleavage. Like those.

[She takes a picture of Adams’s very blatantly flaunted cleavage.]

Taub: What happened to not letting House get to you? You're like lemmings, marching off the cliff of competitive humiliation.

Adams: All I'm doing is my job. House has indicated that he considers me attractive. There's nothing wrong with me using my strengths to my advantage.

Park: With an argument like that, maybe you should just drop down to your knees and — I mean, unless that's not your strength.

[House freezes, watching this. Dominika slips between his arms and clings to him. They are both wearing fur hats.]

Dominika: Oh, big hug, big man. It's cold out here.

Taub: At the risk of derailing this very productive photo sh**t and bickering session, what about myasthenia gravis? Extra-ocular muscle weakness leads to double vision, atonic bladder leads to incontinence. Could've been triggered when his T got really low.

Dominika: [putting on a embroidered blue jumpsuit] Ooh, a little one. He'd be a good pick.

House: Smooth. You let the rest of them compete, tear each other to pieces, then you swoop in with a save. Start the patient on IVIG and plasmapheresis.

Taub: Can you handle that, please? I need a minute.

House: Well, make it quick. We're doin' Memphis.

[He’s wearing an Elvis wig that adds about 5 inches to his height and 10 pounds to his weight.]

[Cut to House’s office. He enters, followed by Taub.]

Taub: You think you want this, but it's a bad idea.

House: I was gonna go Dollywood, but I'm not sure I could pull off that wig.

Taub: Everybody was playing nice, and in your world, nice doesn't solve cases, but after what happened, a little bonding is a good thing. [House takes a Vicodin.] We still have ideas, we still argue. Maybe it could work better if we appreciate each other.

House: That was impressive. You said that whole thing without once moving your lips. [Taub looks puzzled.] The ones you're not moving.

Taub: Oh. I get it. I won't play along with your stupid games, so I'm no longer a man. Clever.

House: Actually, you won't play along with my stupid games because you're no longer a man. Still clever, though. Studies have shown that raising kids lowers testosterone levels in men. The more involved you are, the lower it gets.

Taub: Right. Having kids has neutered me. Or maybe it's helped me finally grow up.

[He leaves.]

[Cut to Joe’s room. Adams is checking the monitor.]

Adams: How are you feeling?

Joe: As long as I keep my eyes closed, pretty good. Really good, actually. I got energy, I feel confident, clear.

Adams: Testosterone does tend to perk you up.

Marlene: [entering] Hey, Hon. I brought you a burger.

Joe: Really?

Marlene: You're in the hospital. Eat whatever you want.

Joe: You're the best wife ever. And I'm not just saying that because of how great your ass looks in those jeans. I'm sorry. That was—

Marlene: [smiling] No, it's okay. Girl likes to know she's appreciated.

Joe: Come here. So I think we should talk to Leading Lights about seminars and DVDs.

Marlene: Are you sure? You were worried about the commitment.

Joe: Yeah, there's no point in being in business with them halfway. You okay with that?

Marlene: It's good to finally have a decision.

Joe: Okay.

[Cut to Wilson’s office. House, Dominika and Park are there.]

House: Fedir is the brother she worries about the most. Ever since Luba passed. [Wilson enters.] Sorry. But this is the closest we could find to the cold, soulless offices of a government bureaucracy.

Wilson: If you're not using your office, I will.

Park: Does Dominika still communicate with her high school friends?

House: Uh, Vasyl, yes. Oksana, no. Not since she kissed Pavlo. 'Cause that bitch knew that Dominika liked him.

[Wilson is almost out the door when he hears this. He closes the door again.]

Wilson: Wrong.

Dominika: Oh, Oksana is a slut. d*ad to me.

Wilson: The right answer is the wrong answer. No husband would pay that much attention to his wife's friend dramas.

Park: Haven't you been divorced three times?

Wilson: In-between those divorces, I was married, non-fraudulently, for 12 years total, which is 12 years longer than anyone in this room. [He sighs loudly.] Move.

Park: So are you going for this team leader thing?

Chase: Probably.

Park: You deserve it. You have way more experience than me.

Chase: You're giving up?

Park: I wish. I still have a lot of med school debt, and my parents need help with their mortgage. So I could kinda use the money.

[She slides open the door to Joe’s room and they enter.]

Joe: As of an hour ago, I'm just seeing one of everything. Looks like you guys were right—

Chase: We'll be right back. [He backs out and gestures for Park to follow him.] "I could use the money"? You want to game me, you gotta do better than that.

Park: Chase—

Chase: You want to be a leader, you have to know how to manipulate. You can't just spill—

Park: I think the whites of his eyes were yellow.

[Chase re-enters the room and checks Joe’s eyes with his flashlight which isn’t needed to see how yellow Joe’s eyes are.]

Joe: Everything okay?

Chase: Jaundice.

Park: There's something wrong with your liver.

**

[Cut to Diagnostics.]

Chase: Liver function tests confirm his enzymes are totally out of whack.

Park: So much for myasthenia gravis.

House: Can we hurry this up? I have a government to defraud at noon.

Adams: If you need to leave, you should. I'm fairly confident our patient's got sarcoidosis.

Park: Wow, you said that with so much authority. Did anyone else get chills?

Chase: Just until I realized our patient has no sign of parenchymal lung abnormalities, which makes sarcoidosis a long sh*t. And bookkeeping isn't gonna get you any farther than boobs.

House: Though in fairness, the boobs were really, really helping.

Taub: I still think it's myasthenia gravis.

Park: Did you miss the recap? We treated for that. The liver t*nk.

Taub: But his vision got better.

Adams: Liver problems could be a sign of celiac. He's been back on gluten since he's been in the hospital. Yesterday he had a burger.

Taub: That would've kicked the celiac into gear, causing the liver problems.

Chase: So your theory is that he has two unrelated diseases. And he's already got low testosterone. I seem to remember something about House hating coincidences.

House: It's true.

Park: I think it's Lyme disease. One single disease named "Lyme."

Adams: Without a rash.

Chase: 10% of cases present without a rash.

House: Lyme disease it is. Start the patient on antibiotics. Now I have to get home before my fake wife gets real annoyed.

[Cut to Joe’s room. He shifts in his bed.]

Chase: Something bothering you?

Joe: I asked the nurse for an extra pillow. That was half an hour ago.

Chase: Sorry. Things can get pretty hectic.

Joe: It was a pillow. I mean, how hard can a pil — Listen to me. I'm being a jerk.

Chase: Testosterone can give you a shorter temper even when you're not sick. You noticed and adjusted. That's a good thing.

Marlene: [enters] Hey. Just got a call from our lawyer. You changed our counter to leading lights?

Joe: You deserve proper billing and a salary bump in the second term.

Marlene: We talked about this. We decided it wasn't worth potentially bl*wing the deal.

Joe: [cutting her off] It'll be fine.

Marlene: I've got to get some work done.

**

Dominika: These are such pretty flowers you buy for me every Friday, from Japanese florist, on corner of Edison and Conway.

House: Just one more thing. [He opens a box.] With this ring, I thee wedded. You left it here when you skipped town with your boyfriend.

Dominika: You kept the rings.

House: Actually, I tried to trade them to a hooker for unspecified favors, but it turns out she doesn't accept zinc.

Dominika: Like modern fairytale.

[There’s a knock on the door. House answers with Dominika clinging to his arm.]

Weinmann: Dr. and Mrs. Gregory House?

House: Yeah.

Weinmann: Nate Weinmann. U.S. Immigration.

[They shake hands.]

House: Welcome to our home.

[Cut to the hospital. Chase enters the a waiting room Marlene is in.]

Chase: Give him time. When I was 14, there was a girl I wanted to impress, so I jumped off the roof of her house. Broke my ankle. Joe's basically going through puberty. It'll take him a while to adjust.

Marlene: I-I tracked down a video from one of Joe's business coaching seminars from before I knew him.

Joe: [on the computer] I'm hearing a lot about the value of compromise. We don't live on Sesame Street. We live in the real world, the business world. If you're not a winner, you're a loser. If you aren't comfortable with that, go open a pottery studio.

Marlene: I never would have gone out with the guy in this video.

[Cut to House’s apartment.]

Weinmann: Uh, do you remember the last time she visited Vasyl?

House: Uh, let me see, that would be… August? No. No, July. 'Cause I remember it was right after our half-anniversary, and I forgot to put a gift in her suitcase. And… I've never heard the end of that one.

[Dominika, coming out of the kitchen with a snack, smiles at him. She offers the plate to Weinmann.]

Dominika: House specialty. I made up this pun.

Weinmann: [chuckles as he takes a pastry] Is it — Thank you.

Dominika: Mm-hmm.

House: Honey, why do you do this to me? You know I'm watching my weight.

Dominika: Then maybe you'll stop eating cheese in front of open fridge in middle of the night.

Weinmann: This is delicious.

Dominika: Thank you.

Weinmann: So everything looks good in here. I'm just gonna step out and get a corroborating interview from one of the neighbors.

Dominika: Neighbors? It's-it's middle of the day. I-I-I think everybody's at work.

Weinmann: Yeah, then they're at work. I just got a form to check off, and you will be on your way to permanent status.

[He walks out. Dominika and House look at each other, worried. House walks to the closed door and listens.]

Weinmann: 'Scuse me, sir. Do you have a minute?

[Cut to the hallway. Weinmann is speaking to a man in an overcoat and matching cap who is locking the door of the apartment opposite House’s. He turns around. It’s Wilson. He speaks in an English accent that is better than the one House used in The Socratic Method, but no by much.]

Wilson: How can I help you?

Weinmann: Do you know Dr. and Mrs. House?

Wilson: Of course, they've been my neighbors about two years, now. Lovely couple. I see them almost every night. They seem always to be together.

Weinman: Great, well, thanks for your help.

Wilson: Cheerio.

[A large man appears from somewhere.]

Hastings: Hey, what're you doing? That's my door.

Wilson: [flustered, in his normal accent] Handing out menus for a new Chinese place.

Hastings: You're that guy that plays noisy video games with House on Saturday nights.

[Wilson turns and looks at Weinmann. The both look at House, who is standing in his doorway with Dominika right behind him.]

House: There's a simple explanation.

Weinmann: [ominously] Be at my office tomorrow at 10.

[The door closes behind him.]

**

[Cut to House’s office. Chase is in House’s chair. Adams and Park sit facing him. Taub pace behind them.]

Taub: The patient's shown zero improvement.

Chase: Because he's only been on the antibiotics overnight.

Taub: Or because he doesn't have Lyme disease. Where are you?

House: [on speaker phone] Oh, just chillin'. U.S. Citizenship and Immigration. Waiting on my fraud interview with my wife and my attorney. [Cut to USCIS. House, Dominika and Calvin Ayres, their attorney, sit on airport-style chairs.] No big.

Ayres: [loud whisper] House. Hang up.

[A large guard, standing by the door, shifts. Cut to the office.]

Taub: I still think it's myasthenia gravis plus celiac. His change in diet has to be significant.

Adams: We just need to do an intestinal biopsy to confirm.

Chase: With his low platelet count, a biopsy puts him at risk for an abdominal bleed, which puts him at risk of death.

[There’s a click as House hangs up.]

[Cut to USCIS. Ayres has House’s phone in his hand.]

Ayres: Either you're done, or you're walking in there without a lawyer.

[The phone rings. House grabs it from Ayres.]

House: I know, it sounds like a phone, but it's a timer to remind me to pee before our meeting. [He walks into the bathroom, looks and the screen and answers in a British accent.] Hello, old chap.

[Intercut between the bathroom and Wilson’s office.]

Wilson: You need to save yourself. I was up last night trying to find another angle, but I can't. Tell immigration you were in love with Dominika, but your marriage fell apart, and that's why you haven't been living together.

House: She'll be deported, permanently.

Wilson: House, I know you like Dominika, you have fun with her, but you got caught. There's no getting out of this. The best you could hope for is that you don't go back to jail.

[Ayres enters the bathroom and taps House on the shoulder.]

House: Tell my team to-to skip the biopsy and give the antibiotics more time.

[House hangs up. He and Ayres leave the bathroom.]

Ayres: They're ready for us.

[Cut to Joe’s room. He and Marlene are having a discussion.]

Joe: I drew a line in the sand, and I won. We should be celebrating.

Adams: [entering] Do you need a few minutes?

Joe: I’d rather keep getting better.

Marlene: That's just it. You won. You made a demand that could've blown up the deal, and you never even asked me.

Joe: Deal didn't blow up. They caved.

Marlene: Joe, you say it in your seminars. Process matters just as much as results.

Joe: Are you seriously busting my chops because I made one little move without you? How 'bout stepping aside and letting me be the man in this relationship for a change?

Marlene: I really can't talk to you right now.

[She leaves, quickly.]

Joe: I don't know why I said that. Just — I got so angry.

Adams: Hopefully after this dose, you'll start to feel better, and we can get you home. [She looks at this lunch plate with the remains of a sandwich and a few veggies on it.] But I'd like to do one more test.

**

Ayres: The testimony of one angry, nearsighted neighbor shouldn't outweigh all other evidence. Photos, utility bills—

Weinmann: Yes, because your clients would never fake anything.

Ayres: Uh, we acknowledge the neighbor thing was a mistake, but that doesn't mean that all of the other documentation should just be thrown out.

Weinman: Look, look, you know, I get that it's your job to try to act like there's a case here, but shut up.

Ayres: [quietly] Okay.

Weinmann: USCIS will be denying Miss Petrova's green card application. You'll be referred to immigration court for deportation proceedings, and we're gonna inform your parole officer about evidence of fraud. So, unless anybody has anything else to add…

[Dominika looks at House. As Weinmann talks, she become visibly upset.]

Dominika: [emotionally] Please, I am begging, do not send him back to jail. Maybe we have not lived together all these—

Weinmann: Mrs. House, I have to advise you not to continue.

Dominika: This man and I, did we marry for love? No. But this past week, we have a lot of fun. Working really hard to fool the U.S. government, right?

Ayres: [to House] Don't answer that.

House: [to Ayres] Way ahead of you.

Dominika: [nearing tears] It was fake, but… it felt real. Maybe because it become real. This man — my husband — I want to stay with him, but if I cannot, please send me away, and let him be free. I love him.

[House stares at her, unnerved. Weinmann thinks before speaking.]

Weinmann: I didn't buy a word you said. But a judge might. [long pause] I'm gonna let you stay. But for the next six months, I'm gonna hold onto this file, and our investigators are gonna show up unannounced at 6:00 a.m., 11:00 at night, and they better find the two of you sitting on the couch, watching NCIS, eating ice cream from the same spoon. Or both of you will be sent to places farless pleasant than New Jersey.

[Dominika silently walks out, followed by House and Ayres. As they reach the hallway Dominika begins to smile.]

House: [whispers to her] What you just said in there…

Dominika: [quietly] Don't worry. I'm much too smart to be falling in love with you. I will be needing extra shelf in bathroom.

[House is stunned. She walks off.]

[Cut to the lab. Adams is looking in a microscope. Taub enters.]

Adams: Abdominal biopsy showed flattened villi. Looks like you were right about celiac.

Taub: You do remember Chase got s*ab doing a test House didn't order?

Adams: Good comparison, since both patients were tweaked on steroids.

Taub: You only did this to score points over Chase and Park.

Adams: We were right. I proved it, and the patient didn't bleed out. Why are you being a jerk about this? Let's go see if House is back.

[Their beepers go off. Taub looks at his screen.]

Taub: Patient's having trouble breathing.

Adams: So much for celiac.

**]

[Cut to Diagnostics. House spins his wedding ring on the table.]

Taub: His breathing is s*ab, but his lung function is at 60%, and his liver is t*nk.

Adams: And he has major symptoms of celiac without actually having celiac.

Chase: Could be Whipple's.

[The ring stops spinning. House picks it up and plays with it.]

Taub: Doesn't explain the incontinence. Intestinal lymphoma?

Chase: Doesn't explain the double vision. [to House] Any time you want to jump in.

House: Is dance aerobics even a thing?

Adams: I hear it's good for the butt. What about a parasitic infection? Strongyloides is known to damage the small intestine.

Chase: In this country, he's about as likely to get that as win Powerball.

Park: Someone does win Powerball. Every week. The patient went to Puerto Rico a few months ago. One of the few places in the U.S. you could pick up strongyloides.

Taub: Treatment is ivermectin. We give that to someone with liver problems, he could have seizures, or worse.

[They all look at House.]

House: Do it.

[Cut to Taub watching a video of one of Joe’s old corporate coaching videos.

Joe: I'm hearing a lot about the value of compromise. But we don't live on Sesame Street, we live in the real—

[House suddenly appears, leaning over Taub’s shoulder. Taub stops the video.]

Taub: I was wondering if maybe we overlooked a symptom, or something.

House: Makes perfect sense. If you're the patient, and "pantywaist" is the symptom.

Taub: Adams and I both thought the patient could have celiac, but only she was willing to go out on a limb and run the test. I gave up.

House: Now you're in here watching a motivational speech. Even your attempt to get your balls back lacks balls.

[Taub starts the video again.]

Joe: — world, the business world. If you're not a winner, you're a loser.

Taub: His voice — it's lower than it is now.

House: If only there was a good reason for a professional speaker to be hoarse.

Joe: Go open a pottery studio.

Taub: Good point. [turns off the video]

House: It's not a good point. It's a decent point. You're doing it again. You have any other videos? Other seminars?

Taub: A couple.

[He opens one.]

Joe: When you see a weakness, that's a time for strength. [clears throat] A lot of people say, "Oh, I feel bad about it. The other guy made a mistake."

House: You bailed too early. Now I get all the credit.

[He leaves, followed by Taub as the seminar continues to play.]

Joe: That kind of thinking is what makes you have a bad day.

[Cut to Joe’s room. House enters, followed by Taub.]

House: Chronic hoarseness is a symptom of a condition called silent thyroiditis.

Joe: But I'm not hoarse.

[House unhooks Joe’s IV.]

House: Exactly. But you were three years ago. Silent thyroiditis comes and goes. And it, in turn, is a symptom of polyglandular autoimmune syndrome type 3, which makes this a really bad idea. [He throws the ivermectin in the trash.] PAS 3 att*cks the body's own endocrine system, moving from gland to gland. [CGI of Joe’s glands under att*ck.] It started in the thyroid, and probably helped along by your low testosterone, moved on to the gut.

Taub: Where it caused celiac disease, or it would've if you weren't on a gluten-free diet. I was right.

House: This is incredibly relevant. Eventually, PAS 3 att*cked your thymus gland. You developed myasthenia gravis, which landed you in here, and you started eating gluten, which only made things worse.

Joe: So am I gonna be okay?

Taub: We'll treat the various conditions with high-dose steroids. Assuming they respond, you should be fine.

Marlene: And the testosterone?

House: Kicked in the nuts is kicked in the nuts.

[Cut to a lab. Chase, Park and Adams are seated at the bench. Each has a tray with a pig’s foot on it.]

House: Over the past week, you've all had good moments and bad. No one candidate has prevailed. And so now, we embark upon a contest of medical strength, stamina, and skill.

Chase: Can we just get this over with?

House: If the competitor representing Australia would like to take a point deduction, he should, by all means, continue yapping.

Park: Your glee is on the verge of making this not worth it for any of us.

House: Can I at least light the torch?

Park: Hurry.

[House lights a Bunsen burner and smiles.]

House: I declare open the games of the number one, number two competition. Je declare ouvert— [Chase gives him a look.] All right. Ready, set, suture!

**

Taub: T time.

Joe: What happens if I don't take it? Or at least go to a much lower dose?

Taub: Are you having side effects?

Joe: No, I feel great. Faster, clearer. More like myself. But my marriage and my career, they're both built on me being somebody else.

Taub: Low testosterone can cause depression and problems sleeping. It's also been linked to conditions such as osteoporosis and diabetes. It'll make your life harder and more dangerous on top of all the meds you'll be taking.

Joe: I'll take that risk. I'm a better man without it.

[Cut to House eating potato chips while watching the contestants doing labs. Amy Grant's “Every Heartbeat” plays. Taub joins him.]

Taub: Well, this certainly has brought more structure to the department.

House: Really, I'm just excited for the wheelchair race. You were smart not to enter. Never in, never lose. And since you no longer have stones.

Taub: I'll split the 50 a week with you.

House: Deal.
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x13 - Man of the House"}