Sal: Attention, staff. Dr. Lola Spratt used to be fat in high school.

Pictures don't lie. That is all.

Lola: What? God. Dick-bag.

Sal: Attention, staff. Chief's right breast is made of spaghetti.

Chief: How did you know that?

Sal: Attention, staff. It takes longer to build a blond snowman because you have to hollow out the head.

Dori: That's offensive, but most stereotypes are based on truth.

Sal: Attention, staff.

Don't tell Dr. Valerie flame that I stole her favorite eraser.

That is all.

Valerie: [ Gasps ] Damn it.

I was just about to make a mistake, too.

There goes that plan.

Sy: You know, erasers are very expensive. It's much more cost-effective if you don't make any mistakes at all.

Blake: Okay. You're gonna feel a little pinch.

Sal: Attention, staff. Will the clown doctor please report to the E.R. to suture a young boy's head. That is all.

Blake: [ Chuckles ] Will someone tell him I'm down here and I'm doing it?

Sorry about that.

Sal: Attention, staff.

Dr. clowns, stop "clowning" around -- L.O.L.-- and suture a young boy's head.

That is all.

Blake: I am here! And I am doing it!

[ Inhales deeply ] [ Chuckles ] Sorry.

It's just that if I'm off by even a millimeter, he could lose an eyebrow.

Or, even worse, an eyelash. But that is not something you should worry about and certainly not something you should have been told.

Sal: Attention, staff.

Will Dr. "Fake" Downs please report to the hardware store, because I just nailed him.

Blake: Put that on ice, please. Sy, where's that P.A. booth?

I want to give that guy a real piece of my mind.

Sy: I don't know who he is.

N-no one knows who he is, where he is.

Owen: I heard he's a robot.

Lola: Well, I met him once. Owen's right. Robot.

Chief: That P.A. announcer's name...

is Sal Viscuso! [ Thunder rumbles] and he lived here in the '30s, when this hospital was an orphanage.

Arthur Childrens was afraid of dying.

In his desperate search for immortality, he conducted experiments on the orphans here, hoping to extract a serum that would freeze the aging process.

It was a stormy night, much like tonight. ,

Lightning was not on his side and young Sal was accidentally k*lled.

Arthur: Oh, boy.

Chief: Racked with guilt, Arthur shut down the orphanage and opened this hospital.

It's said that the ghost of the 10-year-old Sal still haunts this place, while also regularly providing very useful information over the P.A. from the same secret lab where he died.

But no one knows where it is. [ Thunder rumbles ]

Lola: Oh. So are you gonna come over here or...

Chief: No, I'm good here.

Sy: Ghosts? That's ridiculous!

Secret labs? Oh, I laugh at that. 10-year old boys accidentally k*lled during anti-aging experiments? Oh, please, honey child.

[ Laughs ] I have to go. Bye.

Blake: If I was in a secret lab where would I be?

Owen: Blake, I'll help you find it.

I'm a ghost hunter. I've got my own night-vision cameras, tons of cool equipment.

Dori: Ghost sightings are manifestations of psychological issues.

Owen: Not true, Dori. I've been able to see specters ever since that summer I lived with my uncle. Slept in his bed with him. So, what do you say, guys?

You're about to be molested.

Valerie: I'm sorry. What?

Owen: I said let's go bust some ghosts!

Valerie: Ah. [ Thunder rumbles ]

Sy: Sal? Sal, are you in here? Because they are on to you.

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Screams ] [ Screams ]

[ Thunder rumbling ] Sy: Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm stuck.

It's stuck -- and it's my good hand, too! Now I'm going to have to learn to bat lefty! That means I'm gonna pull all the balls to right field!

Nooooooooooo!

Owen: Okay, team. Listen up. Here are your assignments -- Valerie, you're the former Christian whose faith was rocked by an experience with a poltergeist one night as you slept in your uncle's bed. Lola, you're the tech whiz.

You've kept yourself glued to your computer since you were a boy, because it's the only way you know how to keep yourself from revealing your most horrible secret to your parents...

That you can see spirits.

Dori, you're the intern.

A curious freshman attracted to my power.

But you're not gonna sleep with me, because I'm your uncle.

Gear check.

Lola: I've never seen such acute displacement of emotional trauma.

This can only end awesome.

Owen: Okay.

Don't be afraid, everyone. Remember -- it's your fault.

And if you ever speak a word of this to anyone, Santa Claus will never come to your houses again. Let's do this.

Blake: [ Sighs ]

Owen: Let's go, Blake -- to the abandoned basement!

Blake: You been in this one spot this whole time?

Chief: Yep!

Sy: I'm so hungry. Maybe I could eat that bottle.

Ow! Oh! Now I can't play first base.

Owen: You don't have to be afraid of anything.

He can't hurt you anymore, Owen.

Lola: Oh, my God!

He just called Blake "Owen." That's so sad and awesome.

Valerie: Quiet.

He's about to say another crazy thing.

Owen: Your uncle won't touch your penis anymore.

All: Oh!

Sy: [ Exhales deeply ]

I need some antibiotics.

Oh. "Anti." I'm sure the rest says "biotics."

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Blake: f*ring records. Retiring records.

Owen: [ Sniffs ]

You smell what I'm smelling? That's evidence that the d*ad are close by.

Sulfur, whiskey, old TV guides.

Blake: Bingo! Hiring records. Sal Viscuso.

Born 1929. No date of death. Sal Viscuso is still very much alive.

[ All gasp ] What the hell was that?

Owen: I don't know.

It came from the hallway. [Panting ]

There's no one here.

Blake: [ Screams ] [ All screaming ]

Owen: [ Screaming ]

Sy: [ Screaming ] Arthur Childrens!

I was on my way in here to tell Sal to move his P.A. booth.

Arthur: I can no longer trust you to keep my secret, Sy.

Sy: But there's close to a 100% chance that you are a very dapper hallucination, because I just drank those chemicals.

Arthur: If I was a hallucination, could I do this?

Sy: Ow! My subconscious totally made you up.

Arthur: Then why is your subconscious kicking you in the face?

Sy: Ow! Ow! Do you have to keep doing that? Ow!

Blake: Owen, I am so sorry that we doubted you.

Owen: That's the first ghost I've ever seen that didn't resemble an older man!

Most ghosts look just like my father's brother.

Blake: We thought you had created this whole ghost scenario in your head because you were clearly molested by your uncle.

Owen: Wait. What did you just say?

Blake: To get to Sal, we just have to find his secret lab. And bingo again!

There's an unaccounted-for space right up here behind this wall on the second floor. Let's go.

Owen: [ Weakly ] No. Wait.

Blake: Bingo a third time.

Sy: Ow! Ow!

Blake: I know you're in there!

Something. Need something. Yeah. Perfect. [ Grunting ]

Damn! I'm coming, Sal! [ Pounding ]

Sy: You hear that sound? That sound is real! That's what real sounds like.

You, sir, are a hallucination! [ Thunder rumbles ]

Arthur: You're right.

I am a hallucination. But I have feelings. I was born hoping one day to become a dream, and then when I became a full-on hallucination, I thought, "Look ma, I made it.

Are you happy now?" I want to be a real man.

Can't a hallucination have a dream? No. [ Pounding continues ]

Sy: In here!

Blake: [ Panting ] What?!

[ Knock on door ]

Sal: Sorry about the banging.

Sy: Sal.

Sal: Eighty years, and you'd think I'd remember the code.

Sy: Sal, listen!

I need you to go find a Kn*fe and cut my arm off so I can be free.

Sal: [ Sighs ] Attention, Sy. Why don't I just move the shelf?

Sy: That is all?

Sal: That is all.

Sy: [ Sighs, groans ]

Blake: Where is he? Sy! Where have you been? You've...

Hey, that's him. Hey! Hey, come here! I want to -- Hey, stop that kid!

Chief: No, thanks.

Blake: Who are you? Huh?

Sal: Just leave me alone!

You won't find him again.

Take my advice, son. Ain't nothing you can do about it.

Blake: Yeah. Who are you? A friend.

Blake: A friend, huh?

Thank you, friend.

Sy: So Arthur Childrens' youth serum experiments didn't k*ll Sal, but it did stunt his natural aging process.

Chief: But if he's been a kid for decades, he might as well be a ghost.

I mean, at least that's the way it looks from here.

I don't mean here here, I mean the royal here.

Sy: Ah, tomato.

Owen: Hi, aunt Joy. It's Owen. I'm great.

Is uncle Ken available, please? I need to speak with him.

He's on a scout camp-out?

Sal: I ain't 'fraid no goat.
{"type": "series", "show": "Childrens Hospital", "episode": "04x11 - Attention Staff"}