Originally written by Adam Chase

Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are there,

Rachel is serving brownies.]

Rachel: Here you go Pheebs. Who else wants one of my special

        homemade brownies? 

Chandler: I will have one. (Ross and him both take one.)

(Phoebe takes a bite and spits it out and screams.)

Chandler: Okay, I’m not gonna have one.

Ross: Neither will I. (they both put back the brownies.)

Phoebe: No, no, it’s just my tooth.

Chandler: All right I’ll have one. (he and Ross take another

          brownie,)

Ross: So what’s a matter, you need a dentist? I’ve got a good one.

Phoebe: No thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I can’t see him.

Chandler: See that is the problem with invisible dentists.

Ross: Why? Why can’t you go to him?

Phoebe: Because, every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies.

Chandler: That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I

          look down the hygienist’s blouse.

Rachel: Phoebe, what? Umm...what?!

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt Mary, and then there

        was umm, John, my mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend

        ‘Albino Bob’.

Rachel: And all these people actually died?

Phoebe: Yes, while I was in the chair! That’s why I take such good

        care of my teeth now, y'know, it’s not about oral hygiene, I 

        floss to save lives!

Ross: Pheebs, come on, you didn’t k*ll anybody, these people just

      happened to die when you went to the dentist. It’s, it’s, it’s

      just ah, a coincidence.

Phoebe: Well tell that to them. Oh! You can’t, their d*ad.

                 OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]

Ross: Thanks, g*n. (takes the plate g*n serves him and

      Rachel comes up and kisses him) (to Rachel) Hey! (to g*n)

      Umm, can I get a napkin too?

g*n: Oh, like you don’t already have everything.

Phoebe: (trying to bite into an apple) Ow! Ow! (drops the apple in

        disgust.)

Rachel: Phoebe, your in pain, would you just go to the dentist, just

        go.

Phoebe: All right, fine, fine, but if you’re my next victim, don’t come

        back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the TV set.

Rachel: I promise.

Phoebe: Although, don’t feel like you can’t visit.

Joey: (entering with Monica) Hey, is, is, is Chandler here?

Ross: (patting his clothes like he is looking for his wallet) No, no he’s

      not.

Monica: You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing her ex-husband.

Ross: What? (to Joey) So what are you going to do? I mean how,

      how are you going to tell Chandler?

Joey: Well, I was thinking about that and I, I think the best way

      would be, to not.

Rachel: Joey, you can’t keep this to yourself, if you know about this,

        you have to tell him.

Joey: It’ll k*ll him. I mean it’ll, it’ll just k*ll him.

Phoebe: Well, you could wait ‘til I go to the dentist, maybe I’ll k*ll

        him.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, All are there except for Chandler.]

Joey: (looking out the window) Ewww! Ugly Naked Guy is using his

      new hammock. It’s like a Play-Doo Fat Factory. 

Phoebe: Well, I’m going to the dentist, so listen, okay, just be on the

        look out for anything that, that, that you can fall into, or,

        or that can fall on you, or... All right, just look out! Okay,

        And um, I also just wanna, I just wanna tell you all that 

        um...... (starts to cry and runs out)

Ross: Okay, I have a problem I have to go into work for a few

      hours, some kids messed up the h*m* Sapien display.

Joey: What did they do?

Ross: Well, they painted over the word ‘Sapien’ for one thing, then

      they rearranged the figures, let’s just leave it at that.

Monica: So, do you want me to watch Ben for you?

Ross: Yes, that’s what I was going to ask, thank you.

Rachel: Whoa! Wait! Hello! What about me?

Ross: You? You! Want to watch Ben? (in the background Monica

      mouths ‘Don’t worry, I’ll be here the whole time.’ to Ross.) Yes!

      That’d be great, no, I just wanted to ask Monica, because I know

      how empty her life is. (Monica sarcastically mouths ‘Yeah!’ and

      holds up her thumb.)

Joey: Hey-hey, Ross?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: I’ve got a science question.

Ross: Hmm?

Joey: If the h*m* Sapiens, were in fact ‘h*m*-sapien’, is that why

      there extinct?

Ross: Joey, h*m* Sapiens are people.

Joey: Hey-hey, I’m not judging.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are babysitting

Ben.]

Rachel: (holding Ben) Look Benny, spoon. (moves it back and

        forth) Spoon. Come on! All right, y'know what I think he’s bored.

Monica: Here. Ben, do you wanna play the airplane game, do you

        wanna show Rachel? Come here. (takes Ben) We’re gonna do

        something fun. Okay. (throws Ben up in the air a little bit 

        and catches him) Weee!! (moves into the living room and does it

        again) Weee!! (starts to walk back into the kitchen as she 

        does it again, and hits Ben’s head on that wooden beam across

        the ceiling.)

[cut to later]

Monica: (to Ben) Who’s so brave, you’re so brave, yes you are,

        you’re so brave.

Rachel: Okay. Okay honey, he’s fine, he’s fine, let’s just put him

        down. Come here, Ben. (sets him on the couch) See that’s a good

        boy. (to Monica) How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me,

        what is he going to say?!

Monica: He’s not gonna say anything, because we’re not gonna tell

        him.

Rachel: We’re not?!

Monica: No we’re not.

Rachel: All right, I like that. 

Monica: Okay.

Rachel: So we’re okay, we’re okay, we’re okay, (starts to exam

        Ben) aren’t we? No, we’re not okay, we’re not okay, there’s a

        bump, there’s a bump.

Monica: Oh my God! Well push it in! Push it in!

Rachel: I cannot push it in!

Monica: Okay, we’re gonna need a distraction.

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay.

Monica: I got it!

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: The second that Ross walks in that door, I want you take

        him back to your bedroom and do whatever it is that you do that

        makes him go, (high pitched) rweee!!

Rachel: Or. We could put a hat on his head.

Monica: A hat! Yes! We need a hat.

Rachel: We need a hat..

Monica: Where are we gonna find a tiny little hat?

Rachel: Oh, oh, oh, I’ll get ‘Rainy Day Bear’!! (runs to get him)

Monica: Because he’ll know what to do? (Rachel comes out of her

        room with a bear that’s dressed in a rain suit.) Oh my God, 

        you’re a genius!

Rachel: Oh God, oh God, it’s sowed on though.

Monica: Give it. Give it.

Rachel: Okay.

(Monica takes the bear, grabs his hat, and rips off his head.)

Monica and Rachel: Oh!!

Rachel: Oh, it’s just like a bloodbath in here today.

[Scene: The street, Chandler and Joey are walking past a jewelery

store.]

Chandler: Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second. Do you think

          these pearls are nice?

Joey: I’d really prefer a mountain bike.

Chandler: Janice’s birthday is coming up, I want to get her

          something speacial. Come in here with me.

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. Do you ah, want to get her

      something speacial, get her flowers, get her candy, get her 

      gum, girls love gum.

Chandler: That’s a good idea, ‘Dear Janice have a Hubba-Bubba

          birthday’. I would like to get her something serious.

Joey: Oh, you want something serious. Y'know what you should do,

      you should get her one of those um, barium enemas. Those are d*ad

      serious.

Chandler: All right. Look, I’m gonna go in here, and you don’t buy

          me anything ever. (starts to go into the store)

Joey: (stopping him) No, no, you can’t, you can’t, okay, you can’t,

      you can’t buy her pearls, you just can’t, you can’t, you can’t.

Chandler: Why not?!

Joey: Oh God. Uh, okay, here’s the thing, this is the thing, okay, the

      thing is...

Chandler: What is the thing?

Joey: Okay. I went down to the ‘Mattress King’ showroom and,

      and I saw Janice, kissing her ex-husband.

Chandler: (shocked) What?

Joey: They were in his office.

Chandler: Well she, she wouldn’t do that, she’s with, she’s with me.

Joey: I’m telling you man, I saw it.

Chandler: Yeah, well, you’re wrong! Okay, you’re wrong.

Joey: I’m not wrong! I wish I was. I’m sorry. Bet that barium enema

      doesn’t sound so bad now, huh?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are dressing up

Ben in the entire rain suit from Rainy Day Bear.]

Monica: It just makes more sense as an ensemble.

Rachel: Right.

Monica: Besides, it takes the focus off the hat.

Phoebe: (running through the door) No! Oh! You’re alive! You’re

        alive!

Rachel: See Pheebs, I promised you no one would die, didn’t I?

Phoebe: Yeah, well, we’ll see about that. Can I use your phone? I

        just wanna call everyone I know.

Monica: Sure, we have no money, go ahead.

Phoebe: (on phone) ‘Hey! You’re not d*ad! Okay, see ya!’

Ben: Monica.

Monica: Oh my God! He just said my name! Did you hear that?

Ben: Monica bang!

Rachel: Okay, I heard that.

Monica: Did he just say ‘Monica bang’?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Monica: Oh my God! He’s gonna rat me out!

Ben: Monica bang!

Monica: Oh-ho-ho, sweetie, sweetie, you gotta stop saying that,

        now. It’s no big deal, it’s not even worth mentioning, you see

        we all do it all the time. See watch this, Ben, Ben, Ben. 

        (goes over and starts hitting her head on the post) Ow, Monica

        bang! (does it again) Everybody bang. (repeats) Ben bang. 

        (repeats) Rachel bang. (repeats) Bang, Rachel bang! Oh, isn’t 

        that fun?

Rachel: (goes over and hits her head on the post) Look at that!

        (repeats) Look at that! (repeats) We all do it. (repeats) Okay,

        I’m stopping now.

Monica: You okay?

Rachel: Oh yeah! Y'know, if it’s not a headboard, it’s just not worth

        it.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is waiting for Janice to arrive,

and is angrily fllipping through a magazine.]

Janice: (entering) How’s my Bing-a-ling?

Chandler: Ah, I don’t know, you tell me. Anything you ah, wanna

          tell me, because, if you ah, you should, if you, you would,

          tell me.

Janice: Why are your eyes so white?

Chandler: You tell me! Maybe, it’s because I was just fooling with

          my ex! Oh no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that was you!!

Janice: Oh my God!!

Chandler: All right!

Janice: How did you know?

Chandler: Joey told me, he saw you two kissing.

Janice: In the park?

Chandler: No! In his office! How many kisses were there?

Janice: Just those two!

Chandler: Wh-wh-why, wh-why, why, why was there kissing!?

          There should be no kissing!!

Janice: Oh, I’m sorry honey, I’m so, so, (nasally) haaaaa! I’m so, so

        sorry, I just (nasally) haaaaaa! But I, oh what happened was,

        I-I-I can’t breathe. Can you get me a bag, or something?

Chandler: (giving her a bag) Here.

(Janice starts to breath into it and sucks in the reciept, and then

spits it out.)

Janice: The receipt.

Chandler: I’ll take it! All right look, I gotta know. Are you finished

          with me? (Janice shakes her head no) Are you finished with

          him? (Janice shakes her head no) Do you still love him? 

          (Janice shakes her head yes) Do you still love me? (Janice

          shakes her head yes) All right look, (grabs the bag) I’m

          gonna need an actual answer here okay, so which is it, him 

          or me? (his phone starts to ring)

Janice: I don’t know.

Phoebe: (rushing in) Okay. If you’re alive you answer your phone!

                COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are

there.]

Monica: Okay, Ben, I won’t tell your daddy that you had ice cream

        for dinner, if you don’t tell about our little bonking incident.

Rachel: Monica, number one, I don’t think Ben understands the

        concept of bribery, and number two, I... (Joey starts laughing 

        in the background) (to Joey) What?!

Joey: You said number two.

Rachel: I also said number one.

Joey: I know. (giggles harder)

Ross: (entering) Hey! Everyone.

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: How’s my little boy?

Rachel: He’s perfect, he’s never been better.

Ross: (noticing the outfit he is wearing) What’d you do, take him

      whaling?

Ben: Monica.

Ross: Oh my God, he just said your name, that’s great! Good job

      Ben.

Ben: Monica bang!

Monica: Oh that’s right, that’s what I’d sound like if I exploded.

Phoebe: Woo-Hoo! The curse is broken! I called everybody I

        know, and everyone is alive.

Joey: Uh.

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still. (Phoebe runs to the

      window and gasps.)

[Cut to later, all except Chandler are staring out the window at Ugly

Naked Guy.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! I k*lled him! I k*lled another one! And this

        curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big.

Rachel: Well maybe he’s just taking a nap.

Joey: I’m tellin’ ya, he hasn’t moved since this morning.

Monica: All right, we should call somebody.

Ross: And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at all the time

      isn’t moving.

Rachel: Well, we have gotta find out if he’s alive.

Monica: How are we gonna do that? There’s no way.

Joey: Well, there is one way. His window’s open, I say, we poke

      him.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is throwing darts, as Joey

enters.]

Joey: Hey! Y'know how we ah, save all those chopsticks for no

      reason we get when we get Chinese food?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Well, now we got a reason.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Well, we’re fashioning a very long poking device.

Chandler: All right.

Joey: Hey uh, what’s a matter?

Chandler: I talked to Janice.

Joey: Oh my God, is she going back to him?

Chandler: She doesn’t know. Says she loves us both. Y'know I

          woke up this morning and I was in love, well I was happy.

          Y'know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of

          condoms. And now I can’t even return them, because she

          choked on the reciept!

Joey: What are you ah, what are you gonna do?

Chandler: I don’t know, y'know. What, what, would you do?

Joey: Well, it doesn’t matter what I would do.

Chandler: Come on, tell me.

Joey: All right, you’re probably not gonna want to hear this but ah, if

      it was me, and this is just me, (Chandler gets ready to throw

      another dart) I would ah, I would bow out.

Chandler: What? (turns around quickly still ready to throw the dart

          and Joey quickly ducks and hides behind the chair) What are

          you, what are you talking about?

Joey: They have a kid together, y'know. They’re like, they’re like a

      family, and if, I don’t know, there’s chance they could make that

      work, I know I wouldn’t want to be the guy who stood in the way

      of that. Are you okay? Do you wanna ah, come poke a nude guy?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross has just finished putting Ben to

sleep, and is entering from Rachel’s room.]

Ross: Well, he’s finally alseep. About that ah, bump on his head?

Rachel: Are you, are you, are you sure it’s ah, a new bump? I mean,

        no offense, I’ve always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed

        child.

Ross: It’s okay if he bumps his head, kids bump their heads all the

      time, y'know, it was your first time babysitting, I figured you

      did the best you could.

Rachel: (confidently) I did!

Ross: I know! I’m saying you have to watch them all the time.

Rachel: I did!! I watched! I watched! I watched Monica bang his

        head against that thing!

Ross: Monica did it?

(Monica runs into the kitchen from the terrace.)

Ross: Monica?

Monica: Yeah.

Ross: Umm, did you notice anything wierd about Ben today?

Monica: No. Why?

Ross: Well, I was just playing with him, and y'know we were doing

      the alphabet song, which he used to be really good at, but 

      suddenly he’s leaving out ‘e’ and ‘f.’ It’s like they just ah,

      I don’t know, fell out of his head.

Monica: Really?!

Ross: Oh, and also, he’s, he’s walkin’ kind of funny, his left leg is

      moving a lot faster than his right leg, and he’s in there just

      sort of y'know... (walks around in a circle) 

Monica: Oh my God, I wrecked your baby!! (runs into the bedroom)

Rachel: I hope it’s still funny when you’re in hell.

Monica: (coming out of the bedroom) You jerk! You know how

        much I love that kid! (starts to chase Ross around the living 

        room)

Ross: Monica bang! Monica bang! (runs into one of the posts) Ow!

Rachel: I’ll get the hat.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Janice are there.]

Chandler: Janice, I have something I need to tell you, and I want you

          to let me get through it, because it’s, it’s, it’s not gonna

          be easy.

Janice: Okay.

Chandler: I think you should go back with Gary. I don’t wanna be

          the guy that breaks up a family, y'know when my parents

          split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see 

          him I was always think y'know ‘You’re the reason, you are

          the reason why their not together.’ and I hated that guy.

          And it didn’t matter how nice he was, or how happy he made

          my Dad.

Janice: Wow!

Chandler: Yeah, well. It’s the right thing to do.

Janice: Oh! You’re right. Oh God. But, before I can say

        ‘good-bye’, there’s something I really need you to know, 

        Chandler. The way I feel about you, it’s like, I finally 

        understand what Lionel Richie’s been singing about. Y'know, I

        mean what we have, it’s like movie love, you’re my soulmate, 

        and I can’t believe we’re not going to be spending the rest of 

        our lives together.

Chandler: Then don’t leave me!

Janice: What?

Chandler: Forget what I said, I was babbling! Pick me!

Janice: No, you were right, you were right. I mean, I-I-I’ve got to

        give my marriage another chance.

Chandler: No you don’t! No, no, no, I say you have to give your

          divorce another chance.

Janice: (standing up) I’m sorry. (hugs him)

Chandler: Ohhh. Don’t go.

Janice: No, I-I-I gotta go. (she starts to walk away, but Chandler

        doesn’t let her go.)

Chandler: No. No! No! No!

Janice: Honey, honey, people are looking.

Chandler: I don’t care! (turns around and to the people watching

          them) I don’t care!!

Janice: Yeah, um, I’m, I’m leaving now. (tries to get her leg out of

        Chandler’s grasp, she finally does, but Chandler takes off

        her shoe.)

Chandler: You can’t leave! I have your shoe!

Janice: Good-bye Chandler Bing. (walks out with one shoe)

g*n: Rachel has those in burgendy.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, and

Ross are holding the giant poking device.]

Joey: All right now remember, something this big and long is going to

      be difficult to manouver, fortunately I have a lot of experience 

      in that area.

Ross: Can we please focus here, a naked man’s life hangs in the

      balance!

Phoebe: I’m telling you he’s d*ad. What we are about to have here

        is a d*ad fat guy on a stick.

Joey: All right, ladies and gentlemen, let’s poke. (they start to

      advance the giant poking device) Steady. Steady. Okay, a little

      higher. Careful of the angle. Okay, okay, we’re approaching the

      window (as he says this the camera cuts to their view of Ugly 

      Naked Guy, so that we actually see him!) Thread the needle. 

      Thread the needle. 

(They thread the needle and start poking him, he then stirs.)

Phoebe: He’s alive! He’s a-live!!!

Monica: And yet, we’re still poking him.

Joey: Okay, retract the device, retract the device.

Ross: He does not look happy.

Rachel: Hey-hey, now he’s showing us his poking device.

Joey: Hey, that’s never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!

                  CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is listening to a Lionel Richie

album]

Chandler: (singing) ‘I’ll hold you close in my arms. (Phoebe enters) I

          can’t resist your charms. And love....’

Phoebe: (joining him) ‘Love....’

Chandler and Phoebe: ‘I’ll be a fool for you. I’m sure, you know I

                     don’t mind.’

Chandler: (high pitched) ‘No you know I don’t mind.’

Chandler and Phoebe: ‘Yes! You mean the world the world to me.

                     Oh..’

Chandler: ‘I know.’

Phoebe: ‘I know.’

Chandler: ‘I’ve found.’

Phoebe: ‘I’ve found....’

Chandler and Phoebe: ‘...in you, my endless (Phoebe goes high

                     pitched, Chandler goes low pitched) love.’ (they

                     both look at each other.) ‘My endless love.’ (once

                     again they don’t match tones, and they just look 

                     at each other)

END
{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "03x08 - The One With The Giant Poking Device"}