Air Date: 12 Nov 2009

The Impala roars up a country road and squeals around the corner into a car park, past an old fashioned sign "Welcome to The Pineview Hotel". They pull up and jump out. Dean runs around the back of the car and suddenly stops, looking confused. In front of him are a line up of identical Impalas.

Sam: Hey. Come on.

Chuck Shurley is pacing back and forth at the bottom of the steps leading up to the hotel.

Sam: Chuck! There you are.

Chuck: (Surprised) Guys?

Dean: What's going on.

Chuck: Ah, nothing. You know, I'm just kinda hanging. What are you guys doing here?

Dean: You told us to come.

Chuck: Ah, no I didn't.

Sam: Yeah you did, you texted me. This address, life or death situation. Any of this ringing a bell?

Chuck: I didn't send you a text.

Dean: We drove all night!

Chuck: I'm sorry, I don't understand what could...oh no.

Dean: What?

Becky: (From the top of the stairs, squealing) Sam! You made it!

Sam: Oh, ah, Becky, right?

Becky: (Running down to them) Oh, you remembered. (Her voice lowers) You been thinking about me.

Sam: I...

Becky: It's ok, I can't get you out of my head either.

Chuck: Becky, did you take my phone?

Becky: I just borrowed it from your pants.

Chuck: Becky...

Becky: What? They're going to want to see it!

Sam and Dean: See what?

Becky: Oh My God. I love it when they talk at the Same time!

A guy appear at the top of the stairs with a clipboard.

Guy: Hey Chuck? Come on pal, it's showtime.

Becky runs excitedly up the stairs. Chuck turns to Sam and Dean.

Chuck: Guys. I'm sorry. For everything.

Sam and Dean look at each other, confused, then follow him up the stairs.

...

INT. Hotel FOYER

They all enter, Dean and Sam last.

A large man walks past with a stein of beer.

Man: ha-ha-ha. Hey Dean, looking good.

Dean: Who the hell are you?

The man turns back to him. He is wearing much the Same clothes as Dean, down to a Samulet around his neck.

Man: I'm Dean too. Duh.

Scarecrow: Uh-oh. It's Sam and Dean. I'm in trouble now.

He is just a guy in costume. He has a can of soda in one hand, his sythe in the other.

Scarecrow: Have fun you two. Aaaah!

He jiggles his sythe in Sam's face then walks away. Sam gives the scarecrow major bitchface. Becky stands behind them, giggling.

Dean: (Astounded) What?

He turns to Sam and they both look around the room. It is filled with people dressed as every monster they've ever fought, bloody Mary, clowns, people with black demon eyes, a skinny woman dressed as Bobby, a guy dressed as Ash. There are tables of merchandise with the Impala on coffee cups, Chuck's books and more.

Sam: Becky. what is this?

Becky: It's awesome! A supernatural convention, the first ever.

Sam gives another bitchface, Dean still looks totally confused.

END Teaser

INT. Hotel AUDITORIUM

A small crowd sits facing the stage. The Convention Manager steps up to the microphone.

Con Manager: Welcome to the first annual Supernatural convention. At 3.45 in the Magnolia room we have the panel, 'Frightened little boy, the secret life of Dean'. And at 4.30 there's the 'h*m* subtext of Supernatural.'

Sam and Dean are standing at the back of the hall, Becky beside them. Dean's eyebrows reach his hairline at the man's words and Sam's brow furrows.

Con Manager: Oh, and of course the big hunt starts at 7pm sharp.

Cheers and applause from the audience.

Con Manager: But right now, right now I'd like to introduce the man himself. The creator, the writer of the supernatural books. The one, the only, Carver Edlund!

Massive amounts of cheering and applause break out as Chuck timidly walks onto the stage. Sam and Dean are stonefaced.

Chuck: (feedback on mic) Ok. Ok good, this isn't nearly as awkward as I...(he clears his throat, then again) Dry mouth.

Chuck takes a very long gulps from a bottle of water. There is total silence in the room while he does so.

Chuck: Ok. Uh...ahem. So I guess...questions?

Every hand in the room goes up. Chuck looks startled.

Chuck: Uh...you?

He points at a skinny young man in the front row (Barnes). The man leaps up, grinning.

Barnes: Hey, Mr Edlund. Uh...big fan. I was just wondering, where'd you come up with Sam and Dean in the first place?

Chuck glances back at Sam and Dean. The cock their heads, interested to hear his answer.

Chuck: Oh, ah, I...it just came to me.

Dean purses his lips and tilts his head back. Hands sh**t into the air again. Sam and Dean look perturbed.

Chuck: Ok. Yeah. The hook man.

Hook Man: (heavy German accent) Ah yeah. Why in every fight scene, Sam and Dean are having their g*n knocked away by the bad guy? Why don't they keep it on some kind of bungee?

Sam looks interested. Dean looks pissed.

Chuck: I...yeah, I really don't know.

Hook Man: Ja, follow up. Why can't Sam and Dean be telling that Ruby is evil? I mean she is clearly manipulating Sam into some kind of moral lapse. It's obvious, nien?

Now Sam looks pissed, Dean looks thoughtful as he turns to Sam. Becky is sh**ting death stares at Hook man.

Becky: (walking down the row of chairs) HEY! If you don't like the books don't read em Fritz.

Chuck: Ok, Ok, just..okay, it's okay. so, next question. (hands sh**t up) Yeah, you.

Fan: Yeah, at the end of the last book, Dean goes to hell. So, what happens next?

Chuck: Oh. Well there lies an announcement, actually. You're all going to find out.

Chuck looks up at Sam and Dean. They eye him suspiciously.

Chuck: Thanks to a wealthy Scandinavian investor, we're going to start publishing again.

The room erupts, people leap from their seats, yelling and cheering and applauding. Becky jumps up and down, screaming.

...

INT. Hotel FOYER

Chuck moves from the bar to where Becky sits with two cocktails in tall glasses with many straws and slices of lime.

Chuck: I got you a yellow-eyed cooler.

Becky: (Smiling) Thanks Chuck.

Chuck: (sitting) Sure. Ahem. So, Becky...I was wondering...ahem...are you doing any...

Becky: (Eyes lighting up) Oh, Hi Sam!

Sam nods at Becky distractedly. Chuck sighs.

Dean: (To Becky) Excuse us. (To Chuck) In case you haven't noticed, our plates are kind of full, ok? Finding the Colt, hunting the devil. We don't have time for this crap.

Becky is giving Sam come hither looks. Sam is trying not to notice.

Chuck: Hey, I didn't call you!

Sam: He means the books, Chuck. Why are you publishing more books?

Chuck: Um...for food and shelter?

Dean: (Leaning over Chuck's chair) Who gave you the rights to our life story.

Chuck: An Archangel, and I didn't want it!

Sam: Well, deal's off, ok. No more books. Our lives are not for (He glances at Becky) public consumption.

Sam glances at Becky, Becky turns slowly to stare at Chuck.

Chuck: Ah..Becky. Would you excuse us for just a second?

Becky: (nodding quickly) Uh-huh!

...

Dean and Sam follow Chuck into the hallway.

Chuck: Do you guys know what I do for a living?

Sam: Yeah Chuck, we know.

Chuck: Then could you tell me? Cause I don't, all right? I'm not a good writer. I've got no marketable skills. I'm not some hero who can just h*t the road and fight monsters, Ok? Until the world ends, I gotta live, all right? And the Supernatural books are all I've got. What else do you want me to do?

A woman screams. Sam and Dean immediately take off toward the sound.

Chuck: No, guys...wait!

...

Sam and Dean run up the stairs. A maid is crouched in the corner of the hallway.

Sam: (Helping her up)Hey, are you ok?

Maid: I think so.

Dean: What happened?

Maid: I saw a ghost.

Behind Sam and Dean others are gathering. The skinny man from the audience and the large guy from the foyer are close.

Barnes: (In a very deep fake voice) A ghost? Could you tell us what it looked like?

Dean: Why don't you leave this to the grownups pal.

Maid: A woman. She was in an old fashioned dress. Really old. Like a school marm, or something?

Another Man: Did she say something to you?

Maid: (Beginning to grin) Ok. (raising her voice) Gather close everybody, for a terrifying tale of terror. I saw, a ghost!

Sam shakes his head, walking away. Dean follows.

Maid: (Voice fading) None other than the ghost of Leticia gore herself! I was on the third floor getting ice for a guest...

Becky runs up to Sam and Dean: Oooo, the LARPing's started.

Dean: The...What is that again?

Becky: Live Action Role Playing? It's a game. The convention puts it on.

She hands Sam a piece of paper.

Sam: (Reading, and frowning) "Dad's Journal. Dear Sam and Dean, this hotel is haunted. You must hunt down the ghost. Interview witnesses, discover clues, and find the bones. First team to do so wins a $50 gift card to Sizzler. Love Dad"

Becky: You guys are soooo g*n win.

...

INT. Hotel FOYER

Many people. all dressed in suits, flip their FBI badges out at the convention manager.

Con Manager: Well yes Agents Lennon and McCartney, as manager of this fine establishment I can assure you that it is indeed haunted. This building was once an orphanage, run by mean old Leticia Gore. 100 years ago this very night, Miss Gore went insane, and butchered four little boys before k*lling herself. Now folks say that the souls of those poor little boys are trapped here and the evil spirit of Miss Gore punishes them to this very day.

Sam and Dean stand in the background watching.

Dean: Well that's just about all the community theatre I can take.

Sam: Yeah, this cannot get any weirder.

Barnes and Damien walk past.

Damien: (growling) Dad said...he said I may have to k*ll you.

Barnes: k*ll me? What the hell does that mean?

Damien: I don't know.

Barnes: Oh...

They continue walking. Sam and Dean look at each other.

In Unison: I need a drink.

...

One of the convention guests (Alex) walks down a hallway alone, holding a cardboard EMF in front of him.

Alex: EMFs going nuts.

A woman jumps out at him, arms raised.

Woman: (Very fake) Oooo, I'm mean old Leticia Gore. They buried me in the basement. Ooooo.

Alex sh**t a toy g*n at her, a small orange ball bounces off the chest.

Woman: (slightly pissed) Ow. You got me.

Alex: (Rolling his eyes) You're supposed to vanish?

Woman: (Sarcastically) How am I supposed to vanish?

...

INT. HALLWAY

The Same guest turns the corner, talking on his phone.

Alex: Yeah, ok Dean, we'll see you in five. Hey, but seriously dude, don't eat my skittles.

An apparition of a young boy appears before him.

Boy: Help us! Help us. Miss Gore won't let us have any fun.

Alex: (Staring) This is part of the game right?

The apparition disappears into thin air.

Alex: (Shouting) Holy mother of crap!

He runs down the hallway into a library, gasping for breath.

Alex: That. Was. AWESOME!

He begins yelling as he is grabbed, turned upside down and smashed into the glass of the bookcase, a picture and the door, and then stilled, hanging upsidedown.

Woman's Voice: Naughty, naughty, naughty!

A woman appears, staring at him. He screams as she rushes at him. As she goes through him he falls to the ground. He spins around but the room is empty.

END ACT ONE

INT. BAR.

Dean downs a sh*t glass. Sam sits beside him staring moRosely at his beer. Dean looks down the bar. The Woman that was pretending to be the ghost is clicking away on her phone.

Dean: How you doing?

Woman: (Not looking up) Busy.

Dean: Well you sure look lovely tonight. Especially for a d*ad chick.

Woman: (Still not looking up) Buddy, I have heard that line 17 times tonight, ok? And all from dudes wearing MacGyver jackets.

As she finishes speaking she looks up from her phone to Dean, and pauses. He just looks at her. She smiles.

Woman: But you seem different.

Dean: How so?

Woman: Well, you don't seem scared of women.

Dean smirks at her.

A loud voice is heard and Dean looks past her.

Guest (Alex): For the last time I'm not making this up, ok? She's upstairs, a real live d*ad ghost.

Dean: Excuse me.

Sam and Dean walk over to Alex

Alex's Friend: I'm sure it was just one of the ghost actors.

Alex: Who b*at the hell out of me and then vanished?

Sam: You saw something?

Alex: (To Sam) This isn't part of the game jerk. (To his friend) Look, I'm getting out of here and you should do the Same. (He walks away)

Alex's Friend: Alex, wait. Hey, come back!

Sam: What do you think?

Dean: I don't think that guy's a good enough an actor to be acting.

...

INT. FOYER.

Manager: Why yes agents Jagger and Richards. As manager of this fine establishment I can assure you it is indeed haunted.

He continues his spiel as Sam and Dean pass him on their way to the front desk.

Dean: Excuse us, mind if we ask you a few questions?

Hotel Manager: Look, I don't have time to play Star Warsguys. Go ask the guy in the ascot.

Dean: (sliding $50 across the desk) Actually we ah...really want to talk to you.

Hotel Manager: Ok. You guys are really into this.

Sam: You have no idea.

Hotel Manager: What do you want to know?

Sam: All this stuff they're saying. This place being haunted. Leticia Gore. Any truth to it?

Hotel Manager: We generally don't like to publicise this to...normal people...but yeah. 1909 this place was called 'Gore Orphanage'. Miss Gore, k*lled four boys with a butchers Kn*fe, then offed herself.

Dean: And is tonight really her anniversary?

Hotel Manager: Yep, guess your convention folks want authenticity.

Sam: There been any sightings?

Hotel Manager: Yep, over the years. A few maids have quit saying they heard the boys or saw them. A janitor even saw Miss Gore once.

Dean: Where did Miss Gore carve up the kids.

Hotel Manager: Look, I don't want you stomping all over the joint. A lot of this place is off limits to nerds.

Dean slides across another $50.

Hotel Manager: (Softly) The attic.

Sam and Dean don't notice Damien and Barnes listening in behind them.

...

INT. ATTIC

Dean and then Sam crawl in through a small space, both with flashlights. The EMF starts buzzing.

Sam: The EMF's going nuts.

Dean: Great. We got a real ghost, and we got a bunch of dudes pretending to be us poking at it.

Sam: No way this ends well.

Dean: Yeah well serves them right.

Sam: Dean...

Dean: I'm just saying.

They continue looking.

...

INT. ATTIC

Damien: (In deep voice) It's gotta be around here someplace.

Barnes: Yeah I dunno man. No one else is looking for the attic.

Damien: (In normal voice) Ok, all right, dude. 1. Stay in character. All right? If it's just me, I look stupid. and 2. You heard the guy downstairs. I think this is part of the game.

Boy: Help us.

Barnes: Oh my God! That make up is amazing.

Damien: Amateur. Stay in character!

Barnes: Sorry. Ahem (In deep voice) Sorry.

Boy: Help us. Miss Gore won't let us have any fun.

Damien: Where's the body buried kid. We'll light her up nice and toasty.

The Boy points behind them. They turn, seeing nothing. When they turn back the hallway is empty.

Barnes: Wow. Fast runner.

Damien: (looking behind them again) Dude. Check this out.

There is a mark on the wall beside a painting. They move the painting, revealing a bloody handprint.

Barnes: Must have been what he was trying to tell us.

Damien: Gee you think Sammy?

The back of the painting is covered in handprints. Skinny rips the backing. There is an old map inside.

Barnes: (In normal voice) Ok, this is the coolest game ever.

They both giggle.

Damien: Ahem (In deep voice) Yes.

...

INT. ATTIC

Sam and Dean continue shining their torches into every corner.

Boy 2: My mommy loves me.

Sam spins around to see the boy crouching in the corner, hands holding his head. Dean comes up beside Sam.

Boy 2: I said my mommy loves me.

Sam: I'm sure she does.

Boy 2: My mommy loves me this much!

He moves his hands, revealing he has been partially scalped, then disappears.

...

INT. BAR

Becky looks up from her drink and sighs longingly. Sam is pacing while on the phone. He sighs, then notices Becky watching and nods at her. She smiles back, licks straight up the middle of her palm and blows it at him. Looking very concerned, Sam half waves at her. She winks back. The camera pans out to reveal Chuck standing next to her, watching the back and forth.

Chuck: Awesome.

Sam: (walking back to where Dean sits) All right. So that was a guy with the County Historical Society.

Dean: And...?

Sam: Not only did Leticia Gore butcher four boys, but one of them was her own son.

Dean: Her son.

Sam: Yeah. According to the police at the time, she scalped the kid.

Dean: Oh that's it, I'm g*n deep fry this bitch extra crispy. Dude say where she was buried?

Sam: He doesn't know.

They overhear the conversation at the next table and head that way.

Barnes: (In character) Check it out. There's the orphanage, here's the carriage house, and right there... cemetery.

Damien: You think that's where Leticia's planted?

Barnes: It's worth a sh*t.

Sam reaches out to touch the map.

Barnes: Hey, hey!

Damien: (Grabbing it) Hey, do you mind?

Sam: (To Dean) It's real. A century old, at least, and he's right, there is a cemetery on the grounds.

Dean: (To Damien) Where'd you get that.

Damien: It's called a game pal. It ain't called charity.

Dean: (Signing) Yeah right. Gimme the map Chuckles.

Damien: Yeah well you're the Chuckles, Chuckles. Besides, Dean don't listen to nobody.

Damien pulls back his jacket to reveal a plastic g*n. Dean rolls his eyes.

Barnes: (In character to Damien) Dean! Cool it.

Sam: Dean!

Dean: What! They're freakin' annoying.

Sam: Look, guys. We all wanna find the bones right? We just thought...it would go faster if we all worked together.

Damien and Barnes exchange looks.

Barnes: Ahem. We..ah...we get the sizzler gift card.

Dean: (rolling his eyes again) Fine.

Damien: And we get to be Sam and Dean.

Sam and Dean exchange looks.

Dean: Fine.

Damien: (whispers to himself) Yes.

...

EXT. Hotel

Damien and Skinny walk along a path, Dean and Sam behind.

Damien: (Turning back) Hey, Rufus, Bobby, would you hurry it up?

Sam: Are you all right?

Dean: (Grumpy) I'm trying to be.

Barnes: So where were we?

Damien: Barnes: Right, got it. Ahem (goes into character) Why are we even here Dean? You just following dad's footsteps like a good little soldier? You that desperate for approval?

Damien: (In character) This isn't you talking Sam.

Dean turns to Sam with a 'How much do we have to put up with' look. Sam frowns.

Barnes: See that's the difference between you and me. I got a mind of my own. I'm not pathetic.

Dean: So what are ya going to do Sam? Are you going to k*ll me?

Sam: Man I am so sick of you telling me what to do.

Dean: All right, you know what? That's it. That is it.

Damien: What's wrong Bobby.

Dean:

(So angry he can't speak for a moment) I'm not Bobby, ok? You're not Sam. You're not Dean. What is wrong with you? Why in the hell would you choose to be these guys?

Barnes: (In normal voice) Because we're fans. Like you.

Dean: No. I am not a fan, ok. Not fans. In fact, I think that the Dean and Sam story sucks. It is not fun. It is not entertaining. It is a river of crap that would send momst people howling to the nut house. So you listen to me. Their pain is not for your amusement. I mean do you think they enjoy being treated like... like circus freaks?

Damien: Uh...I don't think they care, because they're fictional characters!

Dean: Oh they care. Believe me. They care a lot.

Dean storms off down the path, leaving the others staring after him. Damien and Barnes turn back to Sam with a WTF look.

Sam: He..uh...he takes the story really seriously.

...

EXT. CEMETERY.

The four start shining their flashlights on the gravestones.

Dean: I found the four boys.

Sam: And here's Leticia Gore.

Dean looks up. Damien and Barnes are tip toeing around the edge of the cemetery, shining their torches in the bushes.

Dean: Ah...what are you guys doing?

Damien: (In character) We're looking for bones genius. They gotta be around here somewhere.

Dean: Ok. Generally, bones are in the ground.

Sam dumps his bag and leans down.

Damien: (In character) Yeah, I know that. I just...

Damien: (watching Sam pull shovels out of his bag) Wait, hold on. Are you guys serious?

Dean: Deadly.

Barnes: We're not really digging up graves you guys, we're just playing a game.

Dean: Trust us. You wanna win the game, right?

...

EXT. CEMETERY

Dean finishes digging out the grave and hits the coffin. The others stand around the grave shining their torches. The wind picks up as Dean grunts and lifts the coffin lid, revealing a skeleton. Damien gags.

Damien: That's not a plastic skeleton. That's a... that's a skeletonskeleton.

Barnes: You just dug up a real grave.

Dean: (still in the grave) Yeah.

Damien: You guys are nuts.

Sam: I thought you guys wanted to be hunters.

Damien: (Freaking out) Hunters aren't real man. This isn't real.

Damien and Barnes turn to walk away.

Barnes: My God. You guys have seriously lost your grip on this, ...

Barnes turns back to look at Sam and freezes.

Sam: What?

Gore: (Beside Sam) Naughty, naughty, naughty!

Gore backhands Sam across the cemetery. Damien and Barnes scream and turn to run. Dean heaves himself out of the grave, grunting with the effort. Barnes trips and falls.

Damien: (Turning back) Barnes!

Dean rummages in his duffel, pulling out salt and burn materials.

Damien pulls Barnes to his feet and they turn to run again. Gore is in front of them. They scream and grab hold of each other.

Damien: Oh my God!

Gore: Naughty, naughty, naughty!

Gore pushes a hand into each of their chests and they begin screaming. Dean looks up from where he is pouring salt on her skeleton then quickly pours keRosene and reaches into his pocket for his lighter, flicking it and dropping it into the grave in one movement. Gore screams as she burns up. Damien and Barnes stare at the place where she was, panting. Sam lifts himself to his feet while Dean turns to face Damien and Barnes.

Dean: Real enough for you?

Damien and Barnes turn to look at Dean, horrified.

END ACT TWO

INT. BAR

Close up of an empty sh*t glass. It is filled to the brim and a hand reaches out to grab it just as earlier. Damien sh**t it down and exhales carefully.

Barnes: That was...really...

Dean: Awful. Right?

Damien and Barnes turn to find Sam and Dean standing behind them.

Dean: Exactly. Round's on us guys.

He slaps Barnes on the shoulder and puts a note on the bar.

Sam: See you around.

They turn to go.

Damien: Hey. How'd you know how to do all that.

Sam: We..uh...We read the books.

Dean nods in agreement. They turn and cross the room to where Chuck is standing with the convention manager.

Dean: Hey Chuck. Good luck with the Supernatural books, and screw you very much.

They turn and walk away.

Con Manager: Fans of yours?

Chuck: Hmmm. I'd say no.

Sam and Dean approach the main doors. They are locked. They push against them then turn around, looking around the room.

Dean: That's weird.

Sam: Definitely.

...

INT. Hotel

Dean strains to open a window with no luck. Sam approaches.

Dean: Hey. Anything?

Sam: Every exit's locked. Almost like...

Dean: Something's keeping us in?

Dean knocks his fist against the window in frustration.

Sam: Yeah. This is bad.

Dean: Gee ya think Sammy?

A woman screams and they start running.

The actor woman ghost from earlier runs out of a room, looking behind her, and is caught by Dean.

Woman: Don't go in there!

Dean: Get downstairs ok? Go go!

Sam and Dean walk into the library. The Gore's son is again crouching in a corner holding his head.

Boy: Why'd you do that? Why did you send my mommy away?

Dean: Ah, maybe because of the high and tight she gave you, huh? How bout some thanks.

Sam: Ahem.

Dean: Well, I'm just saying a little gratitude might be nice once in a while.

Boy: My mommy didn't do this to me.

Sam: What? Then who did?

The boy disappears.

...

INT. HALLWAY

Hook Man walks down the hallway. He turns, hearing footsteps behind him. It's the three ghost boys.

Hook Man: (Sighing heavily) Ja, how original. Supernatural bringing us more creepy children. Sigh.

Boy: Miss Gore wouldn't let us have any fun.

Hook Man: You look nothing like real ghosts, just telling you.

Boy: But Miss Gore is gone and now we can have all kinds of fun.

They each bring a large Kn*fe out from behind their backs. Hook Man freezes. Close up of his hook drops to the floor. He starts screaming in German. Sam and Dean are coming up the stairs, they start running. They find the Hook Man d*ad, scalped just like Gore's son

...

INT. AUDITORIUM

Chuck: Well guys I guess we're out of time. So thank you for your incredibly probing and rigorous questions, and have a good...

Sam runs out onto the stage and whispers in Chuck's ear.

Chuck: Hey...What? Holy crap.

The audience murmurs in concern.

Sam: (Covering Chuck's mic) You gotta keep everyone safe in here Chuck. This is life or death.

Chuck: For how long?

Sam: As long as it takes.

Chuck: Well...how the hell am I supposed to do that?

Sam: I don't know man. Just do it.

Sam walks off the stage.

Chuck: Ok. So ahh, good news. I got much more to tell you... I guess.

...

INT. DOOR OF AUDITORIUM

Dean opens the door and ushers the staff inside.

Hotel Manager: Buddy, I got work to do.

Dean: You're g*n want to see this, trust me. It's g*n be a hell of a show.

All the staff file in, ending with the actor ghost woman, looking pissed off. Dean closes the door, Sam joins him and they begin laying salt.

Chuck: (On stage) Ah, what does the future hold for Sam and Dean? Well, how do you feel about angels? Yeah, because let me tell you, they're not nearly as lame as you think.

Dean: (To Sam) Ok. New theory. The legends about Leticia are ass-backwards obviously.

Sam: Yeah. So all right, let's say those three orphans were playing cowboys and Indians.

Dean: LARPing as cowboys and Indians.

Sam: Whatever. And let's say they scalped Leticia's son and k*lled him.

Dean: Mom catches 'em in the act, flips out, slices them and dices herself.

Sam: If that's true it means we've got three bloodthirsty brats in the building.

Dean: Yeah and Leticia was the only one keeping them under control.

Sam: Smooth move on our part.

Dean: Yeah, well we gotta get back to the cemetery, torch the kids' bones.

Sam: How? We're trapped, we don't even have our g*n! The ghosts are running this joint and they're only scared of one thing.

Dean: (Eyes lighting up) Exactly.

Cut to actor ghost woman.

Woman: You want me to do what?

Dean: You're an actress. We just want you to act.

Woman: I work at Hooters, in Toledo. No, you can forget it.

Sam: You'll be safe, we promise. This is really important.

A hand drops on Dean's shoulder.

Damien: We wanna help.

Dean: (To Sam) Just give her the puppy dog thing ok? (To Damien and Barnes) Guys, no.

Barnes: Why not?

Dean: Cause this isn't make-believe.

Damien: Look, we know. We're not nuts. We're freakin' terrified.

Barnes: Yeah but if all these people are seriously in trouble, we gotta do something.

Dean: Why?

Damien: Because. That's what Sam and Dean would do.

...

Cut to Chuck on stage.

Chuck: No, there's really no such thing as a Croatoan virus for down there. You really should see a Doctor.

...

INT. LIBRARY.

The actor woman walks into the room nervously.

Woman: I don't wanna do this.

Dean: (Leaning around the corner) I'm right here sweetheart, I've got your back. Trust me, this is going to work.

He pulls back so he can't be seen, grimacing.

Woman: Boys? Boys? Come here this instant. You come when I call you. You understand me?

Boys: Miss Gore?

...

INT. MAIN DOOR

Sam, Damien and Barnes throw their weight against the door, attempting to force it open.

Sam: Push it!

...

INT. LIBRARY

Woman: You boys have been very naughty. Now you open the doors. Open the doors right now.

The boys all flicker backwards, worried.

...

MAIN DOOR

The door gives a little.

Sam: Go go go

Barnes squeezes out, then Damien.

...

LIBRARY

Woman: Very naughty, you hear me?

Music starts playing on a cell phone. The boys frown and look at each other. Downstairs the main door slams closed.

Sam: Damn it.

Upstairs in the hallway, Dean closes his eyes and bangs his head softly back against the wall. The ACTRESS, looking scared, slowly reaches into her skirt pocket, takes out the phone and kills the music. The boys stare at her. Dean raises his iron bar and comes into the room.

Dean: Run.

The boys raise their knives and move toward him.

END ACT THREE

EXT. GRAVEYARD

Damien and Barnes dig a grave each.

Barnes: Oh my God. Supernatural makes digging graves seem so easy. It's not though. I'm g*n throw up.

Damien: No you're not.

They keep digging.

...

INT. LIBRARY

Dean is thrown against the wall, his iron bar sliding across the room. The boys raise their knives and move towards him. Sam swoops up the bar and disperses them. He puts out a hand to pull Dean up.

Dean: (Standing) Thanks.

Sam is flung back against the wall, losing the iron bar.

Dean: Sam!

...

INT. AUDITORIUM

Chuck is now sitting in a chair. The audience looks bored.

Chuck: Let's see, what else? I fell in love for the first time at 16. Lost my virginity, actually. But then she went around telling everybody it didn't count.

The hotel manager moves toward the door.

Chuck: (Jumping up) Excuse me! You really can't leave. Please sir.

Ignoring him, the manager reaches for the handle.

Chuck: Don't open that door!

The manager opens the door, breaking the salt line. He goes to walk out but jumps back when one of the boys appears in the doorway, grinning. The crowd gasps and jumps to their feet. The boy lifts the Kn*fe and slowly steps inside the room. Chuck flies forward and disperses the ghost with an iron stand. He grabs the doors and slams it closed again.

Chuck: (Turning back to the auditorium) I said nobody leaves damn it. Now somebody salt this door.

Becky is watching him with the Same glint in her eye she used for Sam.

...

INT. LIBRARY

Dean slams to the ground on his back, a boy on top of him, glaring at him.

...

EXT. GRAVEYARD

Damien flicks repeatedly at his lighter. It doesn't flare.

Damien: How come Dean can always light the stupid thing on the first freaking try? (He keeps flicking) Come on!

...

INT. LIBRARY.

A boy grabs Sam by the hair and yanks him backwards. He holds his Kn*fe to Sam's hairline.

Sam: No!...Dean!

Dean is also being held down. Dean has one hand holding off a hand at his throat, the other the Kn*fe at his head. Both men grunt with the effort as the knives get closer.

The boys burn up. Sam and Dean lay panting and gasping.

...

EXT. GRAVEYARD

Damien and Barnes stand watch over the graves as they burn.

...

INT. LIBRARY.

Dean: (Picking up iron bar) You know maybe that guy was right. Maybe we should put these things on a bungee.

END ACT FOUR

EXT. CAR PARK

Emergency vehicles are lined up, a few people talking to police, the hook man's body being removed. Dean comes down the stairs with Damien and Barnes.

Dean: You know I gotta hand it to you guys. You really saved our asses back there. So ah, you know, thanks.

They stand looking at each other for a moment.

Dean: Guys, I don't even know your names.

Barnes: Oh. Well, I'm Barnes. This is Damien. What's yours?

Dean looks at them for a moment, considering.

Dean: Dean. The real Dean.

After a moment Damien and Barnes laugh.

Damien: Ahhh, yeah right. Me too!

Barnes: Get the hell out of here Dean!

Dean looks disappointed for a second, them smiles.

Dean: Well, anyway. Thanks. Really.

He goes to walk away.

Damien: You're wrong you know.

Dean

(Turning back) Sorry?

Damien: About Supernatural. No offense but I'm not sure you get what the stories about.

Dean: (Smirking) Is that so.

Damien: All right. In real life, he sells stereo equipment. I fix copiers. Our lives suck. But to be Sam and Dean, to wake up every morning and save the world. To have a brother who would die for you. Well who wouldn't want that?

Dean: Maybe you got a point. You know, you two don't make a bad team yourselves. How do you know each other anyway?

Barnes: Oh. Well, we met online. Supernatural chat room.

Dean: Oh. Well it must be nice to get out of your parent's basement. Make some friends.

Damien: We're more than friends.

He takes Barnes hand, they twine their fingers together.

Damien: We're partners.

Barnes drops his head onto Damien's shoulder and they both grin at Dean.

Dean: Oh. Wow. Ahem. Howdy partners.

Barnes: Howdy.

Further down the car park Sam stands with Becky and Chuck.

Becky: Look Sam. I'm not g*n lie. We had undeniable chemistry. But like a monkey on the sun it was too hot to live. It can't go on. Chuck and I, we found each other. My yin to his proud yang. And well, the heart wants what the heart wants. I'm so so sorry.

Chuck: Yeah Sam. Sorry.

Sam grimaces at them both. Chuck smiles sheepishly at him.

Becky: Will you be all right?

Sam: (putting on a sad face and sighing heavily) Honestly I don't know. I'll just have to find a way to keep living, I guess.

Becky: God bless you.

Sam: Ok. Oh, hey. Chuck. If you really wanna publish more books, I guess that's ok with us.

Chuck: (Excited) Wow. Really?

Sam: No not really. We have g*n and we will find you.

Chuck: Ok, ok. No more books.

Sam: See you around.

He turns and begins to walk away.

Becky: (Running after him) Sam! Wait, one more thing. In chapter 33 of Supernatural Time is on my Side, there's that girl Bela? She was British, and a cat burglar.

Sam: Yeah I know.

Becky: She stole the Colt from you and then she said she gave it to Lilith, remember?

Sam: Yeah.

Becky: Well you know she lied right, she didn't really give it to Lilith.

Sam: (looking at Chuck) Wait, what?

Becky: (Excited) Didn't you read the book? There was this one scene where Bela gives the Colt to a demon named Crowley. Lilith's right hand man. And I think her lover too.

Sam: Crowley. (To Chuck) Didn't it occur to you to tell us this before?

Chuck: I'm sorry. I didn't remember. I'm not as much of a fan as she is.

Sam: Becky, tell me everything.

Becky gives Sam a huge smile and begins laughing.

...

EXT. CAR PARK

Dean leans against the Impala, lost in thought. He smiles slightly.

Sam: You ok?

Dean: Yeah, you know? I think I'm good.

Sam: Well, you're not going to believe it, but I got a lead on the Colt.

Dean: What?

Sam: Long story, I'll tell you on the way?

Dean: What are we waiting for?

They get in, slam the doors and cruise out of the car park.

END ACT FIVE

Chuck on stage.

Like a lot of authors, I started writing because of love. Yeah, I had a huge crush on Nancy McKeon, who played Jo in The Facts of Life. I must have written her 40 to 50 letters, she never wrote back.

I don't think the Benders made flesh suits out of all their victims. Maybe just like a coupla scarves.

Actually my favourite movie was Beaches. Hilary and CC were just so brave. So strong.

The way I look at it, it's really not jumping the shark if you never come back down, ya know?

END EPISODE

TRANSCRIBED BY TMATEOTB
{"type": "series", "show": "Supernatural", "episode": "05x09 - The Real Ghostbusters"}