Opening Credits

[SCENE – Student café. Cory walks from the counter to the couch carrying two cups of coffee. He gives one to Topanga, who is sitting on the couch, and sits with her.]

Cory: Alright, drink up. We do not want to be late.

Topanga: Cory, don’t worry, we’ll make it.

Cory: Topanga, that’s what you said on Sunday and we missed most of 60 Minutes. M’kay? It’s not called 15 Minutes, Topanga.

(Shawn, Rachel, and Angela enter dressed in hip black clothes)

Rachel: (To Shawn & Angela) Where are Jack and Eric?

Angela: Y’know, we gotta get going because the place is gonna be packed.

Shawn: I bet you anything we’re waiting because of Jack and his hair.

Topanga: Where are you guys going?

Angela: The Blue Room.

Cory: Oh, I hate that place. Loud music, tight clothing, wild dancing…

Shawn: (Sarcastic) Yeah, why would we ever want to go there?

(Jack and Eric enter)

Jack: I’m not going, man.

Eric: It’s fine!

Jack: It’s not fine, it’s a disaster. You don’t understand, it’s just… (gestures towards his hair) It’s not holding, alright, it’s not holding.

Topanga: (To Cory) I like dancing.

Rachel: Hey, so why don’t you come with us?

Cory: Because we have other plans tonight. (To Topanga) Or did we forget about watching the Doyle quintuplets on 20/20?

Topanga: We can tape it.

Jack: (To Eric) Of all the night to run out of hair gel.

Cory: (To Topanga) No, no, no. Taping is just not the same, Topanga.

Eric: (To Jack) Y’know, something, Jack? If I were a woman I’d think you were swell. (Raises eyebrows seductively)

Jack: Really? (Eric nods)

Topanga: (To Cory) Okay, fine, then we can watch it then go with them afterwards.

Cory: (Laughs incredulously) At 11 p.m.!?

Topanga: (To Rachel/Shawn/Angela) You guys go and have fun.

Shawn: Okay. You wouldn’t really have fun, anyway. It’s not your scene. (Cory and Topanga look shocked as Shawn and the rest walk away)

[SCENE – Cory and Topanga’s bedroom. Topanga enters, brushing her hair. Cory is watching TV in bed]

Topanga: Not our scene? What do they mean by not our scene? (Sits at foot of bed)

Cory: (Referring to TV show) Those quintuplets are as cute as the dickens.

Topanga: They think just because we’re married we’re not fun, anymore?

Cory: I’ll tell you who’s fun: Ricky.

Topanga: Who’s Ricky?

Cory: He’s the one that no one thought would make it (Points to TV) (To TV) You get ‘em, Ricky! (Topanga turns off TV) What did you do that for?

Topanga: We are boring!

Cory: According to who, Topanga, the in crowd at the Blue Room?

Topanga: Our friends didn’t even invite us to go along with them.

Cory: Topanga, who cares, alright? Now turn on the humidifier and come to bed. (Topanga turns it on and lays in bed with Cory as he snuggles it. Cory holds out his hand, and Topanga takes it) We got everything we need right here, don’t we?

Topanga: I guess so.

Cory: (Happily, pumping fist) Spoons! (He lays on his side. Topanga turns off the light and leans on his shoulder. Topanga turns the light back on)

Topanga: We’re in a rut. Just because we’re married doesn’t mean we have to be old.

Cory: Old? Why, because we chose to stay home and have a nice quiet evening while the others are out gallivanting (Waves hands mockingly) around, trolling for happiness?

Topanga: We have become your parents.

Cory: (With a solemn expression, sits up and looks Topanga in the eye) Never, never, mention my parents in bed. (Points menacingly)

Topanga: Cory, we have to do something drastic.

Cory: (Gets out of bed) Okay, okay fine.

Topanga: Where are you going?

Cory: I am getting dressed and we are going to that Blue Fish Room…

Topanga: (Gets up) No, no, no. Not like this. Not because I’m forcing you to go with me.

Cory: Okay, fine, back to bed. (Gets back in bed)

Topanga: (Joins him) Cory, I just don’t want to be excluded anymore. I wanna have fun.

Cory: Alright, maybe you’re right. Maybe I am becoming a little set in my ways. You wanna show everyone we’re fun?

Topanga: (Nods) That’s all I’m saying.

Cory: Okay, tomorrow night, you and your old man are going to go to the hippest, hottest, ragingest party anyone’s ever seen.

Topanga: Really? Where?

Cory: Right here. Whooo-oop! (High fives Topanga) Now let’s get to sleep. There’s a 6 a.m. sale at the Linen Loft and guess who’s got coupons! (Holds up coupons)

-Commercial Break-

[SCENE – Jack, Shawn, and Eric’s apartment. Jack is reading the paper, alone, in the kitchen. We hear a thud from the bedrooms]

Eric: (From the bedrooms) Ow! (Enters, rubbing head)

Jack: Morning, Eric.

Eric: Make it better, Jack.

Jack, Alright, y’know what, for the last time. (Puts down paper) Kissing the boo-boo doesn’t make it go away. You’ll be fine. (Pours some cereal into a bowl)

Eric: Y’know what, Jack, I don’t know. This boo-boo feels different, it feels… special. (Jack gets some milk from the fridge) My nose is all tickly and I just feel like… (Sneezes into Jack’s cereal bowl) You’re gonna pour milk into your cereal!

Jack: Not that I’m gonna eat it now. (Walks over to sink, Eric follows)

Eric: Jack, this is amazing! I sneezed and I saw a vision of you pouring milk onto your cereal.

Jack: No. This is just more background information for the nice people at the asylum. (Dumps cereal and puts bowl in sink)

Eric: Y’know, they were nice! (Jack gets a bagel) Jack, I’m telling you. Smashing my head is what gave me my special powers! (Jack turns on the TV) When I sneeze I see the future! Wait a second, I feel one coming on… (Sneezes, Jack pulls his bagel away) There’s a f*re at the Peterman Warehouse!

TV Newscaster: This just in: there’s a f*re at the Peterman Warehouse. (Eric points at he screen in triumph)

Jack: No, no, no! This can’t be happening! (Sits on couch)

Eric: Yes, we’ve been down this road before! Something amazing happens to me, you try to resist, and I pull you down with me, anyway!

Jack: Fine. I’m gonna die either way. Alright, I believe in your stupid little powers, Eric.

Eric: (Sits with Jack) Alright! See, that was painless. Now, the first thing I believe we have to do is determine why God gave me this power. I wonder why he gave to me and not some like, say, oh, I don’t know, you! (Laughs, then sneezes on Jack’s face) 21, 46, 53!

Jack: You snotted on me. (Gets up)

Eric: Dude, 21 46 53, those are my Nana Booboo’s measurements. (Stands) She is hot! (Outline’s a woman’s curves with his hand, only the ass is quite large)

TV Newscaster: And hurry to those lotto machines, folks, tonight’s Pennsylvania lottery is nearly four million dollars. And in other news…

Jack: Oh, no no. Those aren’t Nana Booboo’s measurements, those are lottery numbers!

Eric: No. The lottery’s got six numbers, Jack.

Jack: You’re right! That’s right! Come on, sneeze me the rest!

Eric: Hey, I am not a carnival act! Alright, yeah, I am a carnival act, but my sneezing is a gift. It’s a gift that should not be abused! Unless, of course, we can use it to get chicks!

Jack: We get those lottery numbers you can buy all the chicks you want, okay? So, come one, sneeze me the rest.

Eric: (Sneezes) The king of Norway’s having a fish!

[SCENE – Student café. Cory is handing out flyers. Rachel and Angela are sitting on the couch, on a laptop computer. Shawn is in a chair, reading]

Cory: (Hands out a flyer) Come to our party. (Hands out a flyer) Come to our party. (Hands out a flyer) Come to our party. (Hands out a flyer to Angela. Walks away) Come to our party. (Hands out a flyer) Come to our party.

Angela: What party?

Rachel: (Reading flyer) “Cory and Topanga’s ‘We are out of our rut’ rip-roaring party party.’ (Her and Angela laugh) Wow.

Angela: (Reading flyer) “Cake. Ice cream. Games. Surprises.” Look Shawn, surprises!

Shawn: (To Cory) Hey, Cor, what’s with the party?

Cory: What, a couple of people like us can’t throw a ho-down? (Does a corny, ho-down jig, Rachel laughs) (Hands flyer to Shawn) Read this.

Shawn: “You are out of your rut.” That sounds good, congratulations.

Cory: Right, so I want all you kids to wear your tassels, and your leather, and your get-up ‘n’ such, and I will see you tonight!

Rachel: Tonight?

Cory: Yes, tonight. Saturday night. I know I’ve been out of the loop for a while, but isn’t that the night you all rabble-rouse?

Angela: Uh, yes it is, especially this Saturday night. Cory, your party is the same night as Jerry Dervin’s.

Cory: So?

Rachel: Jerry Dervin’s party is the best party of the year.

Cory: Oh, really?

Shawn: Hey, look. No big deal. (Stands up) We’ll go to Cory and Topanga’s party, and then we’ll go to Dervin’s party and have some fun.

Cory: Excuse me?

Shawn: Don’t worry, Cory, we won’t leave until your party’s over. What, your thing will be done by ten, right?

Cory: Look carefully, Shawn. (Holds flyer in front of Shawn’s face) What does this say?

Shawn: (Reading) “No parents allowed.” Nice touch.

Cory: Thank you, thank you. Read on.

Shawn: “8:00 to… question mark.”

Cory: Question mark, Shawnie. Do you know what that means? It means that nobody knows when this party’s gonna end, okay? Do you know?

Shawn: No.

Cory: Do I know?

Shawn: No.

Cory: It’s totally impossible to predict!

Rachel: Cory, don’t worry. We’re gonna spend plenty of time at your party.

Cory: No, no, it’s fine. You go to Dervin’s and make nice-nice with the cool kids. But you’re making a big mistake, missy, but doubting the power of a Cory and Topanga party. Oh, sure, we won’t be in leather. But that’s because I’m allergic and Topanga is a sweater.

Shawn: Cory, calm down, we’re coming to your party.

Cory: Don’t do me any favors, okay? The whole campus has these flyers, Shawnie, so there might not even be room for you or this thing on your face. (Pokes Shawn’s goatee)

Shawn: C’mon, You don’t mean that.

Cory: Don’t come to our party (Takes Shawn’s flyer) Don’t come to our party (Takes a flyer) Don’t come to our party (Takes a flyer) Don’t come to our party (Takes Angela & Rachel’s flyer) Don’t come to our party (Takes a flyer) But well compare notes on Monday, about who went to the better party. (Opens door) And I take notes like a secretary. (Exits)

[SCENE – Outside a convenience store. Jack walks towards it briskly, and Eric follows behind him wearing a helmet with an Eric sticker on the front]

Eric: I still don’t see why I have to wear this stupid thing.

Jack: (Enters store) Because you have a propensity for… (Eric walks in too, but hits his head on the door as he does so) head trauma.

Eric: (Stands up and looks around, dazed) You don’t care at all about my head. (Jack is writing numbers on a lotto ticket) You just care about your stupid lottery numbers. I mean, sure, the helmet looks good. But this wasn’t a gift given out of love, this was given out of greed. Y’know something, Jack? You take all the fun out of sneezing.

Jack: Okay, you know what? (Takes out a pepper shaker and shows him) Sneeze, you baby. (Throws pepper in his face)

Eric: No, c’mon, no more pepper. My nostrils hurt.

Jack: (Throws pepper) Sneeze!

Eric: No!

Jack: (Throws pepper) Jackass!

Eric: No!

Jack: Come on, man, look. I got 21, 46, 53, and then I got nothing. I got nothing, here, okay? You need to help me out. Alright? Come on. It’s now or never, let’s go (Leads him to the line)

Eric: (Sneezes) Oh, my gosh.

Jack: The numbers?

Eric: No. Someone’s in trouble, Jack, that’s what I just sneezed. We’ve got to out of here.

Jack: That’s ridiculous. Who’s in trouble?

Eric: I don’t know. But I do know that he needs my help. God gave me these powers to help people. Not to give stupid lottery numbers.

Jack: I’m people, I’m people, help me!

Eric: (Walks away, but stops and sneezes on a woman) (To woman) He’s cheating on you. (She turns and looks angrily at the man behind her. Eric sneezes on her again) And he’s gonna rob this place. (To man) Y’know what, you’re just a bad guy! (Exits, staring at the guy. Hits his head on the door, again, as he exits)

[SCENE – Cory & Topanga’s apartment. There are streamers hanging across the ceiling and balloon. Cory is wearing a Mr. Rogers sweater in the living room.]

Cory: Topanga! Could you come in here for a moment!

Topanga: (Enters) (Referring to decorations) Oh, my. Honey, don’t you think this might be a little bit much?

Cory: Nah, I think people appreciate it when you go the extra mile.

Topanga: (Ovens dings) Oh, my quiches are done. (Takes them out of the oven)

Cory: Y’know, I thought people would be a little tired of Twenty Questions so I got a few other games. (Gets some games down from on top of the fridge)

Topanga: Oh, Cory I think people will be tired of playing Par– (Sees the games Cory has) Oh! Clue! I haven’t played that game in years!

Cory: Exactly. That guy Dervin may have flash, but we’ve got substance. This party is going to be quite satisfying (Rubs stomach)

Topanga: Taste this. (Feeds Cory a quiche)

Cory: Mmmmmmm! Quiche-licious! (Tries to take another, but Topanga pulls away)

Topanga: Cory, you have to save some for our guests. They’re gonna be here in two minutes.

Cory: It’s 7:58 already? I haven’t even picked the music, yet! (Scurries over to stereo, Topanga goes to put the quiches on a dish) What should we start with?

Topanga: Uh, I don’t know, put on something we can dance to.

Cory: That’s exactly what I was thinking. (Puts on what sounds like jungle music with bongos ‘n such. Starts dancing over to Topanga, who reluctantly begins to dance, too)

[SCENE – Outside Cory & Topanga’s dorm. Shawn, Angela and Rachel enter]

Shawn: Angela, if you tell me one more time we left Dervin’s party right before you were about to “get your groove on”…

Angela: You’ll what?

Shawn: Nothing, dear.

Rachel: Well I was getting on my groove, too, y’know. (Angela and Shawn look at her funny) What? It would have happened eventually.

Shawn: Hey, look, it’s only 10:00 we’ll be back at Dervin’s by eleven.

Angela: Cory does not want us here, anyway.

Shawn: That’s what he says. What he meant was “If you don’t, I’ll nag you till you bleed” (They turn to the door. There are four signs on it. Sign 1: “Entering Funville!” Sign 2: “Do not enter unless authorized for FUN!” Sign 3: “Danger: Party Ahead” and Sign 4: “No Parents Allowed!”)

Angela: Damn! (They open the door to go in, but only see Topanga and Cory sitting alone. Topanga is sliding her quiches across the coffee table as Cory crushes them.)

[SCENE – Outside Cory & Topanga’s dorm. Continued from earlier. Rachel, Angela, and Shawn shut the door before Cory & Topanga see them]

Shawn: Nobody came?

Rachel: I feel so bad…

Angela: They look devastated.

Rachel: Y’know, we should do something. (Shawn starts walking away)

Angela: Where are you going?

Shawn: Back to Dervin’s party. (Angela and Rachel shrug, then follow Shawn)

[SCENE – Cory and Topanga’s dorm. Cory is sitting on the couch and Topanga is leaning on him]

Topanga: Cory?

Cory: Yeah, honey?

Topanga: Nobody came to our party.

Cory: I know. I almost left.

Topanga: (Props herself up and looks Cory in the eye) That’s it. We are a boring married couple who doesn’t know how to have fun.

Cory: No, we’re not a boring couple. We’re a young, vibrant, healthy, exciting couple who’ve been saddled with superficial friends who wouldn’t know a good party if it fell on their heads!

Topanga: Maybe. (Gets up and grabs a garbage can. Goes over to snack table to start throwing out leftover food)

Cory: Y’know, maybe it’s a good thing that no one showed up. (Gets up) Y’know what I’m saying? I mean, those quiches weren’t your best.

Topanga: What?

Cory: No, don’t get me wrong, they were great. I’m just saying, y’know, uh, you’ve made better. It’s a compliment, really.

Topanga: Really? Well, do you want a compliment from me? Bite me.

Cory: Excuse me?

Topanga: Well, maybe nobody came to the party to eat my quiches because they read the great jokes on the flyers. “Come join our party, it’ll be party-rific!” “Buckle up for the ride to Funville!” What is that?

Cory: Uh, it’s called wit. And it wasn’t the jokes that kept people away.

Topanga: Was it the signs on the doors?

Cory: No.

Topanga: Because I guess not as many people were authorized for fun as you though.

Cory: What about your dumb dance music? That really packed ‘em in!

Topanga: Oh, my dumb music? Are you sure you don’t mean dumb-tastic or super duper dumb-dumb?

Cory: You know what, Topanga, you were the one who started this whole thing! (Mocking) “I wanna be hip! You wanna know what?” I was perfectly happy staying home an a Saturday night and doing nothing.

Topanga: Well I’m not. I wanna go out, Cory. I wanna have fun. I wanna be wild.

Cory: Wild! Hah! You wouldn’t last ten minutes in those night clubs

Topanga: Cram it, old man. (Wipes guacamole across his face and sweater)

Cory: That is it! (Pours chocolate sauce over Topanga’s blouse)

Topanga: Oh… my… (They stare each other down, then run to get a*mo. They start by getting the quiches and throw them all at each other. Then, Topanga gets some cherries and starts shaking a can of whipped cream) Oh, you want more Mr. Rogers? (Sprays him with whipped cream.

Cory: Oh, a sh*t at my sweater, very funny! (Squirts mustard at her) What about your wild little get up, huh? (Topanga throws cherries at him) When’s the PTA meeting?

Topanga: (Tears off Cory’s sleeve) Mr. Rogers!

Cory: Soccer mom! (Tears off Topanga’s sleeve)

Topanga: Aahh! Cory, this was a nice blouse!

Cory: Yeah, and now it’s a ripped one. (Topanga tries to flick the separated sleeve off her arm) It’s off your shoulder a little bit, there. (Topanga pulls her sleeve off)

Topanga: Yeah, I could say the same about yours. (They suddenly start kissing and fall on the floor)

[SCENE – Alleyway. Eric and Jack are there, alone]

Jack: The middle of nowhere, Eric.

Eric: Something bad’s gonna happen here, Jack, I feel it.

Jack: Wait a minute, something bad is happening. You are costing me four million dollars. For million dollars! Gimme my numbers!

Eric: Hey! Hey! Hey! Obviously, Jack, you’ve never had super powers, okay? So you don’t know what’s going on. Look, Jack, don’t you get it? There is no way that that money can be as satisfying as what we were brought here to do!

Jack: Look around you, Eric! There’s no one here to save! (Holds up a hand as though he’s had an epiphany, then throws Eric at the dumpster and starts hitting his head against it) Give me… My… numbers…

Eric: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (Sneezes) 12! 22! 42! (Jack stops hitting Eric’s head, Eric weeps)

Jack: What was that?

Eric: (Weeping) I said 12, 22, 42.

Jack: The numbers! (Gets ticket from coat pocket) Yes! Alright, thank you, buddy! (Writes them in, starts to walk away, but Eric grabs his coat and stops him)

Eric: (Weeping) Yeah, that’s right, you know what? You take your numbers and you remember as you’re sitting there with your four million dollars that to get it you had to bash your best friend’s head against the dumpster…

Jack: You had a helmet on.

Eric: It was you…

Jack: What was me? What’re you talking about?

Eric: It was you all along! (A bum emerges from behind the dumpster)

Bum: He’s reaching out to you, Jack. He’s trying to save you.

Jack: (Laughs incredulously) Save me?

Eric: That’s right. Save you from your greed. My vision was about you!

Bum: (Walks over, puts hands on Jack and Eric’s shoulders) (To Jack) He’s right. You’re the one in danger.

Eric: Yeah. Yeah, Jack, I mean, look what this lottery has done to you, and you haven’t even won it yet!

Jack: (Takes a couple paces, the bum pats him on the back) You’re right. I let greed take me over. I didn’t care what happened to you, what happened to our friendship. Y’know, it’s unbelievable, the things that people do for money. (Pause) Oh, well, off to buy me a ticket. (Exits)

Bum: (To Eric, shrugs) Hey, we tried.

[SCENE – Outside Cory & Topanga’s apartment. Shawn, Angela, and Rachel enter followed by a large group of people]

Dervin: This party better be good, Hunter. Dervin’s party was awesome.

Shawn: Shut up, Dervin! (To group) Alright, I’m gonna go over this one more time. On the other side of this door, it’s ugly. These people are wonderful but… they’re incredibly square. And remember: nobody gets their 20 bucks unless they stay the full hour.

Rachel: This was a really sweet thing to do, Shawn.

Angela: I just hope we’re not too late.

(Shawn opens the door. Inside, Cory and Topanga are wrapped in a Twister mat, Cory on top of Topanga, kissing. They both have food remnants on them. They don’t notice Shawn.)

Topanga: This is the best party I’ve ever been to.

Cory: Oh. (They kiss) Topanga, I was wrong. (Eats a food particle from Topanga’s forehead) I love your quiche. (They kiss again)

Topanga: I love every boring bone in your body. (They kiss again)

Cory: Really?

Topanga: Let’s never go anywhere again. (They kiss a lot. Shawn closes the door)

[Cut to back outside the door]

Shawn: (To Angela) You think they do that every night?

Angela: Well, gosh, that’s probably why they go home at nine.

Shawn: (Dervin tries to get in) Whoa, hey, hey, okay, party’s over. There’s

no way we’re gonna save this one.Dervin: I’m going back to Dervin’s.

Rachel: You are Dervin! (Dervin and everybody except Shawn, Angela, and Rachel leave)

Angela: I cannot believe that we felt sorry for Cory and Topanga.

Rachel: I know. I mean, I feel sorry for us. (Exits)

Shawn: I wonder what their food bill is in a month.

Angela: I don’t know, y’know, let’s just go back to Dervin’s.

Shawn: Yeah.

Angela: Y’know what? Forget Dervin’s. Let’s just go to a grocery store. (Shawn nods with approval and puts his arm around her as they exit)

[SCENE – Jack, Eric, and Shawn’s apartment. Jack is sitting on the couch, watching TV]

Jack: Eric, quick, come out here!

Eric: (From bedroom) (Cartman voice) No!

Jack: Come on, I said I’m sorry.

Eric: (enters) You’re not sorry. You’re evil.

Jack: Well, just sit down and watch me get filthy rich. (Grabs his ticket) They’re about to announce the winning lottery numbers.

Eric: (Points to TV) That’s blood money.

Jack: I’ll give you half.

Eric: Oh, turn it up. (Sits)

TV Newscaster: And here are tonight’s winning lotto numbers…

Eric: I’m gonna buy myself a new helmet.

TV Newscaster: 32, 6, 27, 18, 9, 2.

Eric: (Stands and pumps fist in triumph) We’re rich!

Jack: (Pulls Eric down) No, we’re not. Those aren’t the numbers you gave me. This is worthless, and you’re worthless. (Tears up ticket) Here!

Eric: No, Jack, no.

Jack: Eat it! Eat it! (Shoves it in Eric’s mouth)

TV Newscaster: (Jack notices TV, Eric is chewing the ticket) Well, so much for the New York lottery, now for the four million dollar Pennsylvania lottery.

Jack: Oh my God.

TV Newscaster: The winning numbers are: 21, 46, 53, 12, 22, 42. And in other news…

Eric: Well that’s a coincidence. (Eats last piece of ticket, Jack looks at him evilly) (Sneezes) Oh, what you’re gonna do to me.

[TAG – Cory and Topanga’s bedroom. Topanga is laying in bed, watching TV]

Topanga: Cory, come quick! John Stossel is doing and exposé on tainted meat!

Cory: (Runs in and jumps in bed. Topanga takes his hand) Now I ask you, would you rather be spending the night at some glitzy club, or learning how to spot a bad brisket?

Topanga: You’re right. Brisket.

Cory: It’s not like I don’t enjoy dancing or going out and having fun, it’s just the best time that I have is when I’m here with you. (Topanga kisses him)

Topanga: (Watching TV) Oh, look. Bad flank steak.

Cory: I love you. (She kisses him again, then they turn back and watch the TV. A horrified look appears on their faces)
{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "07x18 - How Cory and Topanga Got Their Groove Back"}