Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

Lisa Kudrow: (voiceover) Previously on Friends

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is talking to Ross]

Joey: There’s this woman, that I like.  A lot.  Well, it’s complicated.  She’s with this other guy.  For a long time.  And I could never do that to the guy, y’know?  ’Ccause we’re really good friends.

Ross: So, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh… is he a good guy?

Joey: Yeah, he’s the best.

Ross: Then talk to him! He might be fine with it.

Joey: Oh, I don’t know.

Ross: Joey, it’s worth finding out. I mean, if you really like her.

Joey: I do! So much! I can’t stop thinking about her! I can’t sleep, I—

Ross: Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to go for it. How often does this happen to you, huh? You owe it to yourself. (Walks towards the door until…)

Joey: It’s Rachel.

[Fade to Black, then fade in again with Ross stopped at the doorway.]

Ross: (closes the door) Did you um—I’m sorry, did you just say it’s Rachel?

Joey: Yes.

Ross: Um, you…you like Rachel?

Joey: Yes. I like Rachel.

Ross: Rachel?!

Joey: (startled) Yeah, okay but look, buy uh—Hey-hey, y’know, y’know who else I like? You! And it-it doesn’t get said enough. I like you Ross.

Ross: But R-R-Rachel-Rachel?!

Joey: Yeah, but it’s not a big deal.

Ross: It’s not a big deal? Oh, I’m sorry I just…um, I…what about all the stuff you-you just said? I mean how about, I like—you-you can’t stop thinking about her. Like how you can’t sleep?

Joey: I’m an actor, y’know? As-as a group, we tend to be over dramatic.

Ross: Rachel who’s carrying my baby? Rachel?

Joey: Look no, I-I know it’s bad, and I know it’s wrong. Okay? But-but it’s not like anything’s ever gonna happen. Y’know? These-these are just feelings, they’re gonna go away.

Ross: Y’know what? I-I gotta go. (Starts to leave.)

Joey: Oh come on Ross! Hey Ross-Ross don’t…

Ross: (stops) I just—y’know—I-I just have one—Rachel?!

(He exits and starts to walk away, passes a window, stops, and says "Rachel?!" again. Joey sighs and turns around to face g*n.)

g*n: Rachel?!!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Chandler are on the couch.]

Rachel: Oh-oh! Okay, she’s kicking!

Chandler: Oh! (Puts his hand on her belly.) She’s growing inside you.

Rachel: Whoa!!

Chandler: Oh! (Pulls his hand away.)

Rachel: Wow that was a big one.

Chandler: I think that’s the youngest girl ever to reject me.

Phoebe: (entering) Oh hey you guys!

Chandler: Oh hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: Hey listen let me ask you, do you believe in soul mates?

Rachel: Oh yes I do. I do. I believe that there is one perfect person out there for everyone. And do you know how you find him? You stop looking for him. That’s why I stopped looking for Russell Crowe. He’ll find me.

Phoebe: Uh-huh, (To Chandler) and you?

Chandler: No. I mean I believe that uh, certain people are more suited for each other and I believe in falling in love, but soul mates, I don’t think they exist.

Phoebe: Okay, good.

Chandler: Why?

Phoebe: Well last night, I met Monica’s.

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: Yeah, I had a date with this guy, and I swear to God, he is her other half.

Chandler: Come on, don’t be crazy. (To Rachel) You don’t think there’s someone out there better suited for Monica than me, do ya? (Rachel looks at him.)

Rachel: (To Phoebe) Well, what’s he like?!

Phoebe: Well he’s tall.

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Phoebe: He has brown hair.

Rachel: Of course, of course.

Chandler: A tall guy with hair similar to mine, oh unknowable universe!

Phoebe: He works with food!

Rachel: Oh sure. Older?

Phoebe: Obviously, and he’s British.

Rachel: Oh, I was just gonna ask!

Phoebe: Yeah? And, he’s-he’s so centered and mature and confident.

Rachel: Oh, it’s so sad they never had a chance to meet.

Chandler: Luckily, the guy she settled for can’t hear what you’re talking about.

Phoebe: Oh, I’m so sorry. Um, and maybe I’m wrong! I but—y’know I’m gonna go out with him again, I’ll find out more.

Chandler: You believe that this guy is destined for someone else and you’re still gonna date him?

Phoebe: Well, he may not be my soul mate, but a girl’s gotta eat.

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is opening the door to Monica.]

Monica: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Monica: I just talked to Joey, I just—I want to see how you were.

Ross: Oh y’know, I still—I can’t believe it. Joey and Rachel I mean it’s… It’s like you and me going out, only weirder!

Monica: All right, I know you’re hurting, and-and I want to be supportive, but don’t say that again.

Ross: Oh my God! What if, what if they get married? Then he’d be the stepfather of my child.

Monica: Honey, I don’t think that’s something we need to worry about! First of all he’s-he’s never gonna tell her how he feels about her. And even if he did you have no idea how she’d react.

Ross: Sure, because women never like Joey. Y’know, I think he’s a virgin.

Monica: Joey…he’s not even thinking about going after Rachel!

Ross: He’s not?

Monica: No! All he’s thinking about is how you’re taking this! I mean, listen it’s totally freaking him out. He’s talking about moving to Vermont.

Ross: Why?

Monica: He says he wants to leave the country. (Pause) He thinks you hate him.

Ross: Hate him? I… No, I don’t hate him. (Pause) It’s just it’s Rachel, y’know?

Monica: Honey I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you. But, I don’t want you to lose Joey over it. And right now he just needs to know that you’re still his friend.

Ross: Okay. Okay, I’ll talk to him.

Monica: All right. Now do it soon, he just asked me how to convert his dollars into Vermont money.

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are on the couch as Phoebe enters with Monica’s soul mate.]

Phoebe: Oh! Hi!

Monica: Hi!

Phoebe: Umm, Chandler, Monica, this is Don.

Don: Oh, hello. (Shakes Chandler’s hand.) Hello. (Shakes Monica’s hand.)

Phoebe: (mouths to Chandler) Soul mate.

Chandler: (mouths to Phoebe) What?

Phoebe: (cough talks) Soul mate.

Monica: So, what have you guys been doing?

Don: Well, we just had a terrible lunch today at Reattica. What is with all the sun-dried tomatoes at that place?

Monica: I know! What is this, 1985?!

Don: That’s exactly what I said. Phoebe, isn’t that strange.

Monica: Not really.

Chandler: What’s wrong with sun-dried tomatoes? (Everyone stares at him.) On a barbecue chicken pizza? (Still there’s staring.) No?

Monica: So Don, what-what other restaurants do you like?

Don: Well, Octavio, 27&7—Oh! And there’s this great little place, Alessandro’s.

Monica: Oh my God! That’s my restaurant, I’m the chef there.

Don: You’re kidding me!

Monica: No!

Don: Your food is fantastic! Wow, I really want to talk to you about your menu, once I get some coffees first. Um, anyone want any?

Monica: Oh, I’d like a latte. Oh y’know what? If you’re gonna talk about me, I’m gonna go with you.

(They go over to the counter and Chandler moves closer to Phoebe.)

Chandler: What are you doing?!

Phoebe: Nothing! I swear to God I didn’t know you guys would be here! And the good news is you didn’t believe in soul mates. So…

Chandler: I believe in tall, handsome strangers who h*t on my wife!

Phoebe: They’re just talking, and y’know what? Just because I think they’re soul mates doesn’t mean anything’s gonna happen.

Monica: (returning) Phoebe, good work.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Monica: Yeah! Oh he’s great, I love him. (Walks away and Chandler glares at Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Don’t worry, we’ll find you someone else.

[Scene: Joey’s Apartment, there’s a knock on the door and Joey answers it to Ross.]

Joey: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Joey: Look, I understand if you came by to h*t me, I deserve it.

Ross: No, I don’t want to h*t you.

Joey: Oh what then? Kick me?

Ross: No.

Joey: (getting worried) Bite me?

Ross: No, no I don’t want to do anything to you. All right? I just want to tell you that I’m not mad at you and…and that I certainly do not hate you. I just, I just came here to say that. (Starts to leave.)

Joey: Oh now—Hey Ross-Ross! Do you wanna-wanna come in for a beer or something?

Ross: Uh…yeah sure. (Enters.)

Joey: Do uh, do you got any beer? All-all I got is this melon stuff that Rachel left. I don’t…

Ross: Okay.

Joey: (pouring two glasses) Hey look Ross, you need to understand something okay? I uh…I am never gonna act on this Rachel thing, okay? I-I would never do anything to jeopardize my friendship with you. (He hands Ross a glass.)

Ross: Thank you.

(They clink glasses and take a drink. Ross likes it, Joey hates it. Then Ross sees Joey hating it, mimics he hates it as well.)

Joey: Anyway, it uh…look it’ll just…take me a while to get over her, that’s all. I’m not even sure how to do that, I mean I’ve never been in love before so…

Ross: What?! You’re in love with her.

Joey: Yeah, I thought you knew that.

Ross: Umm, no.

Joey: Wow. Hey look, if it helps, I don’t want to feel this way. Honest. I just keep thinking, "Ah, I’ll get over this." Y’know? I just—It just keeps gettin’ harder. I don’t, I don’t know what to do. Y’know? What do I do?

(Pause)

Ross: I think you need to tell her how you feel.

Joey: Okay that’s the green stuff talkin’.

Ross: No, I’m serious. You-you need to find out where she is, because if she’s not where you are, then you can start to move past this.

Joey: But what if uh—and I’m not saying she will be—But…

Ross: If she is where you are then uh…then my feeling weird about it shouldn’t stand in the way.

Joey: Are you sure?

Ross: Yeah. Look if-if she’s gonna end up with somebody else, the truth is she couldn’t find a better guy. So…

Joey: Hey thanks.

Ross: So when do you think you’re gonna talk to her?

Joey: Oh my God I have to tell her! I haven’t even thought about what I will say. What should I say?

Ross: I’m understanding, but let’s not get carried away.

Joey: I’m sorry, you’re right. What am I gonna say? (He takes another sip of the green stuff and recoils at the taste.) Oh!

Ross: Yeah, tell me about it. (He stands up, turns his back to Joey, and enjoys another sip.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Chandler are watching Monica and Don talk.]

Don: …so I’ve been slowly phasing out the wine importing and focusing more on the cheese side of things.

Chandler: Cheese you say? That’s some pretty smelly work, huh Don?

Don: Excuse me?

Chandler: Cheese, it’s smelly. You must smell a lot of the time too.

Don: Uh, not really. But when it comes to cheese, I’m one of the people who thinks the smellier the better.

Monica: Me too! Yeah, Chandler can’t stand it. He won’t even allow me to have blue cheese in the house.

Don: And you’re still married to him? (They both laugh, and Chandler tries to but fails.)

Monica: You know what I’d love to do? I would like to go to France and eat nothing but bread and cheese—Not even bread, just cheese. No, I want the bread. Yeah. Ah, and pastries… (Breathlessly) And pate. Oh, I’m really not high, it’s just I used to be fat.

Don: Well if you where ever enter the Loire valley let me know, I’ve got a great little villa you can stay at.

Chandler: Is it made of cheese?

Don: No. But God, a house made of cheese, wouldn’t that be incredible?!

Monica: I’d move in tomorrow!

Chandler: (disgusted) Oh come on! (To Phoebe) Are you listening to this?

Phoebe: I’m so sorry.

Chandler: What do we do?

Phoebe: I don’t know, they both want to live in a house of cheese! I don’t know how you fight that.

[Scene: Outside Ross and Rachel's, Joey walks up to knock on the door, but stops.]

Joey: Okay. Okay, I can do this. I can tell her how I feel. Just uh, just stand up straight. (Does so.) Take a couple deep breaths. (Does so.) Look confident. (Does so as Rachel opens the door and startles him.)

Rachel: Joey? What’s up?

Joey: I uh, I just came by because I-I want to talk to you about something.

Rachel: Okay what’s up?

Joey: Here? In the hall? What are we animals?

Rachel: Well honey, I’m late for a meeting. So can you just make it quick?

Joey: Okay umm, I just came by to tell you that I…want to have dinner with you tonight. That’s all.

Rachel: Sure! That sounds great! Just leave me a message and tell me where to meet you. Okay? (Walks away.)

Joey: Okay. That’s good. Okay, that give you a couple hours to prepare what you’re gonna say. Good. Yeah. (Someone comes out of his apartment and it startles Joey again.) Don’t you people ever knock?!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are entering.]

Monica: I’d like to have Don and Phoebe over. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Chandler: Sure, why don’t you set it up. I’ll just be over here, browsing through the personals.

Monica: Are you okay? You’ve been acting weird all afternoon.

Chandler: Yeah, fine. Fine. Not perfect!! But good enough.

Monica: Jeez! What is with you?

Chandler: I’m sorry, did you say cheese?

Monica: All right, what’s going on?

Chandler: Phoebe thinks you and Don are soul mates, and I don’t believe in that kind of stuff. But then you two totally get along. So look, I won’t stand in your way if you want to run off with Don and live in a house of cheese.

Monica: Chandler, you don’t believe in soul mates?

Chandler: No. But I’m sure (mimics Don) ‘tomatoes’ does.

Monica: I don’t believe in soul mates either.

Chandler: You don’t?

Monica: No. I don’t think that you and I were destined to end up together. I think that we fell in love and work hard at our relationship. Some days we work really hard.

Chandler: So you…you don’t want to live with Don in a cheese house?

Monica: No, I’ve had second thoughts about that. Do you realize how hard that would be to clean?

Chandler: I love you.

Monica: I know.

Chandler: Y’know what? I am going to take you out to dinner tonight. I found this place that makes the greatest mozzarella sticks and jalepino poppers . (Monica doesn’t look impressed.) No? Really? They taste so good.

[Scene: A restaurant, Joey and Rachel are having dinner.]

Rachel: …and I know Chandler is kidding but it happens every time he touches my stomach. I mean I’m really worried the baby’s not going to like him. (Joey is staring at the table.) Are you okay?

Joey: What? Yeah! Sure! Uh, look at the uh, the reason…(Exhales slowly)—Is it hot in here?

Rachel: No. Not-not for me, but why don’t you take off your sweater?

Joey: I would, but this is a nice place and my T-shirt has a picture of Calvin doing Hobbs.

Rachel: Oh my God! Really?! Can I see it?

Joey: Yeah. Sure. (They both half stand up, Joey pulls the neck of his sweater out, and Rachel looks down it to see his T-shirt.)

Rachel: Huh. Wow, I wouldn’t think Hobbs would like that so much.

Joey: Uh… How long have we known each other?

Rachel: Um, seven…e-e-eight, eight years. Wow.

Joey: Uh-huh, long time.

Rachel: Yeah.

Joey: But over the past few weeks…

(A waiter runs over interrupting Joey.)

Waiter: Hah, sorry about the wait, but it is mega-jammed in here! We have a couple specials tonight…

Joey: Actually uh, could you give us a second?

Waiter: Sure. Sure. (Turns away, then turns back) Second’s up! (Joey glares at him.) Not…that kind of table. (He walks away.)

Rachel: So you were saying?

Joey: I’m not quite sure.

Rachel: Okay, well you had asked me how long we had known each other, and I said, "Eight years." And the um, waiter came over and cut his tip in half, and umm…now here we are.

Joey: Yeah, here we are. Uhh… I… I think I’m…falling in love with you.

Rachel: (stunned) What?

Joey: I’m falling in love with you.

Rachel: (looking around) Who are you talking too? Oh, you’re kidding! Oh, it’s a joke! (Laughs.) It’s funny. It’s funny. I don’t get it. (Joey doesn’t say any thing and Rachel realizes it’s not a joke.) Oh. (Pause) Okay. Umm… I-I…uh, wow. Are you uh… How did umm… When?

Joey: Does it really matter?

Rachel: Wow! Wow. Wow. Wow, it is hot in here.

Joey: Okay look Rach, I know this is a lot. You don’t have to say anything. You-you uh, you take as much time as you need. (Long pause as Rachel says nothing.) Okay, you gotta say something!

Rachel: Joey, Joey I love you so much, but I…

Joey: But. (Hangs his head down.)

Rachel: Joey.

Joey: Yeah-yeah right. That’s okay. That’s fine. That’s uh, pretty much what I was expecting. So uh, it’s no big deal. All right? I think I’m gonna go. (Stands up.)

Rachel: No! Joey please! Please don’t! Please don’t leave like this! Now come on, you cannot do this to a pregnant woman! (Starts to cry.)

Joey: Don’t start doing that. You can’t do that Rach, ‘cause then you’re gonna make me do that. (Starts to cry.) Oh, here we go! (Sits down next to her.)

Rachel: Can I? (Hug him.)

Joey: Sure!

(They hug.)

Rachel: Oh Joey honey I don’t…I don’t want to lose…

Joey: Hey-hey-hey, hey! You can’t. Okay? Ever!

Rachel: I’m so sorry.

Joey: Oh no-no Rach, please, don’t be sorry. Okay? Don’t be sorry. (They hug again.) Y’know I was only kidding you.

Rachel: Yeah, that was a real good one.

Closing Credits

[Scene: A restaurant, Joey and Rachel are still hugging as a waiter walks by the table to talk to the annoying waiter from before who is watching.]

Waiter No. 2: Is this your table?

Waiter: Yeah.

Waiter No. 2: God, you’re gonna be here all night!

Waiter: I know! I haven’t even read them the specials yet!

Waiter No. 2: What’s the matter with them?

Waiter: I don’t know. I think maybe one of them is dying. (Pause) I kinda hope it’s the girl. (The other waiter is shocked.) The guy is really cute!

End
{"type": "series", "show": "FRIENDS", "episode": "08x16 - The One Where Joey Tells Rachel"}