THE ANDROIDS OF TARA

BY: DAVID FISHER

Part One

Original Air Date: 25 November 1978
Running time: 24:53

DOCTOR: Rook to bishop's four.

DOCTOR: I saw Capablanca make that move against Alekhine in 1927.

K9: He lost, master.

DOCTOR: Who?

K9: Capablanca.

DOCTOR: Are you sure?

K9: Master, I have been programmed with all the Championship games since 1866. Capablanca lost.

DOCTOR: I must have been called away. Are you really sure?

K9: King to knight's two.

DOCTOR: King to knight's two. King? That's a terrible move. You've weakened the king's side.

K9: Clock, master.

DOCTOR: I know, I know. I'll check your programming sometime. We're not supposed to be playing draughts, you know.

K9: Master.

ROMANA: What are you doing, Doctor?

DOCTOR: Shush. We're playing chess.

ROMANA: Yes, I can see that, but aren't you forgetting something?

DOCTOR: I don't think so.

ROMANA: What about our task? The Key to Time, remember?

DOCTOR: Oh, that old thing.

ROMANA: Yes, that old thing. The Guardian did stress the need for urgency, didn't he?

DOCTOR: Shush.

ROMANA: I'll do it.

DOCTOR: If you must.

DOCTOR: I just feel I deserve a little break. After all, we've got half the segments. I prefer to play chess.

ROMANA: Really. Materialisation in fifteen seconds. Mate in twelve.

K9: Correction, mistress. Eleven.

ROMANA: Eleven? Oh yes. Sorry, K9.

K9: Apologies are unnecessary, mistress.

DOCTOR: Mate in eleven? Oh yes, oh yes. Well, that's the trouble with chess, isn't it. It's all so predictable.

ROMANA: Materialisation commencing now. Five, four, three, two, one.

ROMANA: Was that smooth enough for you, Doctor?

DOCTOR: Hmm?

ROMANA: I said, was that smooth enough?

DOCTOR: Mate in eleven? What, have we arrived? Oh good. Where?

ROMANA: Tara.

DOCTOR: Tara?

ROMANA: Earth-type gravity, oxygen atmosphere, climate, temperate.

DOCTOR: Ah. Peaceful looking place. That shouldn't give you too much trouble.

ROMANA: Me?

DOCTOR: I think it's rather beautiful, don't you? Very good for. Yes, I think it would be.

ROMANA: What?

DOCTOR: Shouldn't you be getting changed?

ROMANA: Oh yes, all right.

ROMANA: Tara, Tara. Tahiti?

ROMANA: No. Tally ho. Tara!

ROMANA (OOV.): What are you looking for?

DOCTOR: Well, it's in here somewhere.

ROMANA (OOV.): I said, what are you looking for?

DOCTOR: Aha! Aha! Goody. Gosh, that takes me back.

DOCTOR: Or forward. That's the trouble with time travel, you can never remember.

ROMANA (OOV.): What is it?

DOCTOR: Last time I used this, I was with Isaak Walton. Yes. Yes, it's all here.

ROMANA: Well, how do you like it? Good. According to our records, it's what everyone on Tara's wearing this year. Isn't that right, K9?

K9: Affirmative.

ROMANA: Aha.

DOCTOR: Aha.

ROMANA: Where are you going?

DOCTOR: Fishing.

ROMANA: Fishing? What's fishing?

DOCTOR: Fishing? It's an art, worthy of the knowledge and practise of a wise man. Isaak Walton

ROMANA: Look, we haven't got time for you to practise anything. We've got to find the fourth segment.

DOCTOR: You find it. I'm taking the day off.

ROMANA: The day off?

DOCTOR: Yes. After a journey of four hundred years and twelve parsecs, I'm allowed a rest of fifty years.

ROMANA: Where does it say that?

DOCTOR: Section ninety three, paragraph two, laws governing Time Lords. You look it up. Go on.

ROMANA: What? You just made that up.

ROMANA: But you can't just spent the fifty years fishing.

DOCTOR: Well, of course not. I'd get bored. I just propose to spend the next couple of hours fishing.

ROMANA: But what about the fourth segment?

DOCTOR: You get it.

ROMANA: Right, I will.

DOCTOR: Yes, you do that. It's a lovely day, beautiful countryside. The walk will do you good.

ROMANA: Thank you.

DOCTOR: Would you just mind standing aside, please? You're casting a shadow. It frightens the fish.

ROMANA: Frightens the fish. Look, I'm going to get that fourth segment and I'll be back here in under an hour. You be ready to leave.

DOCTOR: Yes.

GRENDEL: Here, beast!

GRENDEL: It's incredible!

ROMANA: I don't know how to thank you. If you hadn't have come along when you did, that beast would have got me. What's your name?

GRENDEL: My name? Er, you're not damaged in any way?

ROMANA: No, no, I just stumbled slightly, that's all.

GRENDEL: Your head isn't injured?

ROMANA: No, I don't think so. There's no harm done. I'm sorry if you're somebody frightfully important, but I'm a stranger here, you see. My name's Romana.

GRENDEL: Ah, the fair Romana. That's a pretty name.

ROMANA: Thank you. Tell me, are there many creatures like that around here? I understood that the fauna of Tara were supposed to be friendly.

GRENDEL: I always keep some beasts in my woods to hunt, but they don't usually att*ck people unless they're frightened in some way.

ROMANA: Your woods?

GRENDEL: Yes. These are part of the estates of Gracht. What a curiously shaped stone.

ROMANA: Yes.

GRENDEL: Oh, have you hurt your ankle?

ROMANA: No, no, it's nothing, really. Could I have my stone, please?

GRENDEL: Of course, as soon as its been registered.

ROMANA: Registered?

GRENDEL: Yes. Do you not know the law?

ROMANA: No. As I said, I'm a stranger here.

GRENDEL: The law decrees that all minerals, particularly unusual ones like of this kind, must be registered with the Knight of Castle Gracht.

ROMANA: Who's that?

GRENDEL: Me. I am Count Grendel, Knight of Gracht, Master of the Sword.

ROMANA: Oh, I see.

GRENDEL: What's happened to the statue?

ROMANA: Is it important?

GRENDEL: Only to superstitious fools.

ROMANA: Oh?

GRENDEL: It's our family emblem. At least, it was. It's supposed to guard our fortunes. How very odd.

ROMANA: Look, I'm sorry, but I really must

GRENDEL: It's of no importance. What is important is to get that ankle of your attended to.

ROMANA: It's nothing, really.

GRENDEL: I shall take you to my castle. My steward can register your stone while my surgeon attends to your injury.

ROMANA: Look, it's very kind of you, but I really couldn't

GRENDEL: Then I shall provide you with a mount and an escort to take you wherever you wish.

ROMANA: It's just a question of time.

GRENDEL: An hour, no more. What's an hour out of your life?

GRENDEL: I shall not take no for an answer.

ROMANA: What's that? Is it yours?

GRENDEL: My favourite charger. Strong as a tree and swift as the wind.

ROMANA: Well, how does it go? What makes it work?

GRENDEL: Good heavens, I don't know, my dear.

ROMANA: You don't?

GRENDEL: I'm a knight, not a farrier.

DOCTOR: Do you mind not standing on my chest? My hat's on f*re. I don't think we've met before.

ZADEK: Who are you?

DOCTOR: Hmm?

ZADEK: Who are you?

DOCTOR: Call me Doctor.

ZADEK: What are you doing here?

DOCTOR: Oh, fishing.

ZADEK: This is Prince Reynart's hunting estate.

DOCTOR: What? Prince Reynart?

ZADEK: Yes.

DOCTOR: I've never heard of him. Decent sort of chap, is he?

FARRAH: Shall I k*ll him, Swordmaster?

DOCTOR: No, no, that won't be necessary.

DOCTOR: Good heavens, electrically charged. The control's in the hilt, I see.

ZADEK: You know about such things?

DOCTOR: Well, I've travelled.

FARRAH: He said he was a doctor.

ZADEK: You know about machines, electronics?

DOCTOR: A little.

ZADEK: You don't look like a peasant.

DOCTOR: Well, of course not. I've travelled.

ZADEK: But you have certain skills. Can you mend an android?

DOCTOR: What? What did you just say?

ZADEK: An android.

DOCTOR: I thought you said an android. What's wrong with it?

ZADEK: It won't go.

DOCTOR: Why don't you just try your local android dealer?

FARRAH: Shall I k*ll him now, Swordmaster?

DOCTOR: Look, that isn't necessary. You see, I'd really love to help you out but I'm frightfully busy and where is this android?

GRENDEL: There is Castle Gracht, my dear.

ROMANA: It's beautiful.

GRENDEL: It's the ancient home of the Grendels of Gracht. And it's quite, quite escape-proof, I'm glad to say.

TILL: My lord is come! Open the gate!

GRENDEL: There, that wasn't too bad, was it?

ROMANA: There's no need to carry me. I can still walk.

TILL: Master.

GRENDEL: Fetch Madame Lamia.

TILL: Master.

GRENDEL: She's my surgeon. Come, my dear.

GRENDEL: There.

ROMANA: Oh, thank you. You won't forget to register my stone, will you?

GRENDEL: What?

ROMANA: My stone.

GRENDEL: Oh, no, no, of course not, my dear.

LAMIA: I got your message.

GRENDEL: Oh, Romana, my dear, this is Madame Lamia, my surgeon-engineer.

ROMANA: Hello. Engineer?

LAMIA: I don't believe it.

ROMANA: What's the matter?

LAMIA: It's incredible. It's a marvellous job. Who did it?

GRENDEL: The question is not so much who, my dear, as why.

LAMIA: I'm a peasant. I leave politics to my betters.

GRENDEL: Very wise of you, my dear.

ROMANA: Now look, I don't know what all this is about, but I must

GRENDEL: Restrain her.

LAMIA: What do you want me to do with her, my lord?

GRENDEL: Well, we can't have her running around the kingdom. Disassemble her. We can cannibalise her for parts.

ROMANA: What parts? Now, wait a minute.

GRENDEL: I should like to keep the head. You're right, it really is quite remarkable.

DOCTOR: Ahem, you're standing on my scarf.

FARRAH: I'm terribly sorry.

DOCTOR: If you don't stop burning my scarf, you're going to have to k*ll me.

REYNART: Doctor, you must forgive Swordsman Farrah. He tends to get overenthusiastic in the pursuit of his duties.

DOCTOR: Perhaps he does

REYNART: But particularly in defence of his prince.

DOCTOR: Well, maybe he does get too enthusiastic in the course of his duty. What about my scarf?

ZADEK: Peasant, you will speak with respect when you address Prince Reynart of Tara.

DOCTOR: I told you, I'm not a peasant.

REYNART: But you do know about androids.

DOCTOR: Well, that depends.

ZADEK: On what?

REYNART: On how we treat him, obviously.

REYNART: So you're not a peasant.

DOCTOR: No.

REYNART: Very well, I'll make you an offer. One thousand gold pieces if you can mend our android.

DOCTOR: One thousand gold pieces? Pfft. Do you think you can buy me for money? Ha! Five hundred.

REYNART: Done.

DOCTOR: Suppose I can't mend the android?

ZADEK: Then we shall give you to Swordsman Farrah for sword practice.

REYNART: No, we won't, Zadek. This man is obviously a gentleman. If he can mend our android, we shall reward him. If he cannot, you have my word, Doctor, you will come to no harm. You may go free.

DOCTOR: Thank you.

REYNART: Wait. The android?

DOCTOR: Oh yes, yes. Where? Excuse me.

REYNART: There he is, Doctor.

GRENDEL: I always enjoy watching you work, my dear.

LAMIA: Thank you, my lord. I shall make the cut here.

GRENDEL: Excellent.

ROMANA: Count, far be it from me to query this lady's competency as a doctor, but where I come from you don't cut off the patient's head if you wish to cure their ankle!

LAMIA: Ankle?

GRENDEL: Yes, there was supposed to be something wrong with its ankle.

LAMIA: It's swollen.

ROMANA: Well, what did you expect?

LAMIA: Extraordinary. If I didn't know better, my lord.

LAMIA: She is not an android.

GRENDEL: What?

LAMIA: She is real.

ROMANA: Brilliant.

GRENDEL: Well, you can keep your head, my dear. I may have a better use for it.

DOCTOR: That's not bad. I have seen better.

REYNART: Don't you sometimes wish, Zadek, that our fathers had permitted us to learn peasant skills?

ZADEK: No, your highness. If we'd have meant to have been peasants, we'd have been born peasants.

REYNART: Perhaps you're right, Zadek. Well, Doctor, can it be fixed?

DOCTOR: Well, that depends. Fixed for what?

REYNART: Zadek.

REYNART: For one thing, it must wear this.

DOCTOR: Why?

REYNART: Tomorrow, at the appropriate hour fixed by the astrologers, in the great Coronation room of the Palace of Tara, I am to be crowned King.

DOCTOR: Well, congratulations.

REYNART: They will be in order if I get there.

DOCTOR: Why? What's to stop you?

REYNART: Count Grendel of Gracht.

DOCTOR: What?

REYNART: He'll k*ll me if he needs to. After all, you can't crown a d*ad Prince. Grendel and his men will be watching every entrance to the palace to prevent my getting to the Coronation room at the ordained time.

DOCTOR: So?

REYNART: If I fail to appear at the right moment, I forfeit my right to the crown.

DOCTOR: Ah. And that's when Grendel of Gracht steps in?

REYNART: The only other contender for the throne is the Princess Strella, but she disappeared some time ago. Nobody knows where she is.

DOCTOR: Where does George come into all this?

ZADEK: There have been three attempts on his Highness's life already. The next one could be successful.

DOCTOR: Ah, I see. Let them att*ck George here instead of the Prince.

REYNART: Precisely. We use George, the android copy of me to create a diversion, to distract their attention.

DOCTOR: And draw their f*re.

REYNART: To draw their f*re, while we slip past the guards into the Coronation room. What do you think, Doctor?

DOCTOR: Well, it has been done before.

LAMIA: I don't like it.

GRENDEL: I'm not asking you to like it, just do it.

LAMIA: Is it wise? Think of the risk.

GRENDEL: You question my commands?

LAMIA: No, my lord, of course not.

GRENDEL: Then do what I tell you or I shall have you flogged, and don't imagine that I won't.

LAMIA: Yes, my lord.

ROMANA: What are you doing? What? No! Please, no! Ah.

GEORGE: Congratulations, Doctor. Thank you. And now if you will forgive me, gentlemen, I must retire.

GEORGE: Goodnight, gentlemen.

REYNART: Excellent! Farrah, bring wine. Do you know, it's quite eerie seeing oneself walk and talk like that. I never thought I'd see that thing going again.

DOCTOR: Well, it'll do for now, but if I'd had the proper tools I could have done a much better job.

REYNART: It's good enough to fool Grendel and his men, don't you think so, Zadek?

ZADEK: I hope so, your Highness, for our sake.

REYNART: Oh, Zadek, always the pessimist. Thank you, Doctor.

DOCTOR: My pleasure.

REYNART: Zadek.

ZADEK: Five hundred gold pieces.

REYNART: You wouldn't be interested in permanent employment, would you, Doctor?

DOCTOR: No, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm otherwise engaged.

REYNART: Pity. Still, you will stay and drink a toast to our success for tomorrow, won't you?

DOCTOR: All right.

REYNART: One of our local wines. Modest, demure, but palatable. Join us, Farrah.

FARRAH: Thank you, your Highness.

DOCTOR: You look better without your helmet.

FARRAH: Cooler, anyway.

ZADEK: With your permission, your Highness. To the King.

DOCTOR: To the King.

FARRAH: To the King.

REYNART: Not yet. Tomorrow, perhaps, thanks to the Doctor.

DOCTOR: Thank you.

FARRAH: To the Doctor.

REYNART: The Doctor.

FARRAH: Your Highness?

DOCTOR: Potent stuff.
{"type": "series", "show": "Doctor Who", "episode": "16x13 - The Androids of Tara - part 1"}