[sound of coughing]

Ricky: We're going to make some good f*cking money here boys.

Julian: Let's just f*cking get this over with, Rick.

Ricky: My f*ck, this is a good time boys.

Tell me that's not the best f*cking dope you ever smoked Bubbs.

Bubbles: Should I be getting baked for this, boys?

Ricky: Yes, Bubbles, get high, this is fun.

Bubbles: Walkie check Ricky.

Ricky: Good check.

Bubbles: That water bong's so smooth, you don't realize how high you're getting until it's too late.

Ricky: Bubbles, you're breaking up.

Switch to channel two, okay. Just turn on the radio and relax, everything's fine.

Bubbles: Channel Two?

VHF, what's that now?

[sound of music from radio]

Bubbles: [singing]

Bubbles: [singing through PA system]

Ricky: I know I'm baked but, doesn't that sound like it's coming through the PA?

Julian: f*ck, it sounds like it man.

[sound of Bubbles singing through PA system]

Ricky: Bubbles, everything you say is coming over the PA right now.

Bubbles: Ricky, I am f*cked up out here.

I don't mean to interrupt your meat-stealing operation there boys but I need to keep talking to you til you get back.

I'm freaking out a little bit.

Ricky: Bubbles, every f*cking word you're saying is coming over the PA.

Julian: He must have his finger on the button man, he can't hear us.

Bubbles: [singing]

Bubbles: [singing over PA system]

Ricky: f*ck! Meat dicks, meat dicks.

Julian: These are just birthday presents.

You have no right to look in them.

We're going to leave now. Rick, let's leave, calmly, come on.

Bubbles: Oh, I'm f*cking high!

[music]

Bubbles: Where do I know that big cocksucker from?

Ricky: Don't even f*ck the mind who that is?

Phil: What are you doing?

Ricky: Get the f*ck out of the way with your stupid fish and your hockey stick!

Bubbles: Ricky, I'm not selling meat in the liquor store parking lot again. I don't want anybody I know to see me.

It's embarrassing.

Ricky: Bubbles, just smoke some of this home made blender hash, alright, and relax.

Julian: Corey and Trevor should be doing this greasy shit, not us.

Ricky: f*cking Corey and Trevor.

Corey and Trevor just vanished. No idea where the f*ck they went.

Just ran away on me. Disappeared about six months ago and left a stupid note saying they're ever, never coming back.

Thanks guys. Now I'm in a liquor store parking lot selling f*cking meat instead of Corey and Trevor.

What the f*ck are you looking at?

Phil: What are you doing here man?

This is my parking lot! I sell mackerel and blueberries.

Bubbles: [coughing] Great, Phil Collins is here.

Phil: Hey, hey. Bubbles, Julian.

How are you guys doing? Selling stolen meat eh?

Wanna buy some trout?

Julian: Phil, would you get the f*ck out of here.

Here, here, take this thing.

Phil: Yeah, well alright, Julian. Ah, geez.

Bubbles: Here Julian.

Julian: f*ck!

Bubbles: [singing] I am high! High, high.

Woman: Julian? Don't you remember me Julian?

Julian: Ah?

Woman: Oh my, Bubbles. Is that you?

It's me. Your grade three teacher, Mrs. Anderson.

Bubbles: [coughing] Hi, hi Mrs. Anderson.

Ricky: Oh my god, I'm so god-damned high.

Bubbles: Ricky, no Ricky.

Mrs. Anderson: I better be going guys.

You know, it's never too late to change the path you're going down in life, boys.

Julian: Thanks, Mrs. Anderson.

Bubbles: Let's get the f*ck out of here, Julian.

Ricky: Forty-two bucks already today boys.

I can't believe it. Where the f*ck are you going, Julian?

Julian: I'm not stealing meat anymore man, it's f*cked.

Ricky: Man, what the f*ck are you talking about?

You're giving up seventeen, eighteen bucks a day.

Julian: I gotta get a job or something man.

Ricky: A job? Julian, we don't work. You know us.

Bubbles: Ricky, think about what you just said.

Maybe we should work. Getting a good job is a good idea Julian.

Julian: Listen, if I don't start making some cash soon, I'm going to lose my f*cking trailer man.

Seventeen bucks a day, not cutting it.

Ricky: Why is he so f*cking worried about his trailer getting repositioned? We're doing good here man.

More money for us buddy.

See buddy, now this is what I'm talking about. Business.

Jim Lahey: Hey Rick. Open for business?

Ricky: How's it going Sir? What can I get for you?

Jim Lahey: What do you got that's fresh?

Ricky: Jim, we both know you came over here for more than just a box of meat.

Jim Lahey: Well Ricky, I was hoping to get a few grams for Randy. But he, look, he doesn't want to pay twelve bucks a gram anymore.

He's smoking a lot of dope Rick.

He's a good customer. How about ten?

Six grams, sixty bucks?

Ricky: Oh my f*ck, Cheryl! What are you doing?

I told you to stay off the counter. Look, you can have this but that's it alright. Now take that and get the f*ck out.

Ricky: My father grazed me to that, that other things like animals that live or like I that live and I'm supposed to be the same to them and try to treat them good but I've got f*cking insects now coming to my trailer and frogs and f*cking these things that look like cats but they got these long beaky nose things. They're all attracted to my dope.

I can't sell my f*cking things coming in like crows.

I nicknamed this one crow Cheryl and she's pretty cool but I have to give her a peanut butter sandwich so she'll stop stealing my f*cking weed and it's just, it's making me lose my f*cking mind. I'm sick of all this shit.

I gotta sell this f*cking dope soon or I'm going to snap.

Ricky: I'm getting pretty sick of you and Randy showing up here offering me ten or eight or anything else.

You know what, if you cops started doing your job and you busted some growers I wouldn't have problem.

Nobody gives a f*ck about good dope. I'm sick of this shit Jim.

Look let me spelt it out for you. See what that says?

Twelve bucks a gram, firms.

Jim Lahey: Are you selling any of this dope, Ricky?

Ricky: I sold a little bit.

Jim Lahey: Well, I refuse to pay twelve bucks a gram when you can get it for six down at the mall.

Ricky: Well, you know what Jim?

Go down to the f*cking mall and get the shitty mall dope.

You only get f*cking one joint out of a gram, it's shit.

Jim Lahey: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Look, I'll take one gram.

Bubbles: Hey Ray. What, are you redoing your plumbing?

Ray: f*ck no. Son of a f*cking whore.

[crashing sound]

Ray: f*cking, I don't use this as plumbing Bubbles, you know that. f*cking selling it as scrap metal.

You know, get my liquor money buddy.

Bubbles: Ray! Ripping the plumbing out of your walls for liquor money is f*cked!

Ray: No, Bubbs.

Bubbles: Ray, do you ever wonder if you've chosen the right path in life?

[pipes clanging]

Ray: What do you mean, like, if your rig is on the right road?

Bubbles: Yeah, that type of thing.

Ray: f*ck yeah, buddy. You kidding me.

I think about that shit all the time.

Every f*cking day I think about that. You know, I'll be, I'll be perfectly honest with you buddy.

I'm sick of working with Randy, running this park.

Bubbles: Ray, all you really do is get drunk and drive around waving at people.

Ray: Yeah, I know but I'd give it all up in a second buddy.

If there was just some f*cking way back on the road.

Like that's ever going to happen.

Bubbles: Hey, do you think you can work with Ricky tonight?

I just don't think I can.

Ray: Why, are you guys having a problem or something?

Bubbles: Ray, I love those guys like brothers, you know that.

But, I just can't do this greasy small-time crime shit anymore.

Ray: I know what you're saying Bubbles.

It's a young man's game. That's why I got out of it.

So here, if I were you, I'd do it one more time and then get the f*ck out of it. You know, get me five pounds of bacon and a half pound of regular beef too while you're at it, would you?

Bubbles: You know what Ray?

I think maybe I should be doing my own jobs that I plan.

I think it would be less stressful.

Ray: You need a hobby like mine Bubbs.

Bubbles: Hobby? What's your hobby, Ray?

Ray: Drinking.

Hey buddy, want a beer.

Bubbles: I'd love a beer.

Ray: Here, go ahead.

Bubbles: Do you think I could get in on this scrap metal bullshit with you? I have connections in the cart world.

Ray: f*ck yes. I could use a hand buddy.

Bubbles: Alright, let's do it.

Ray: Let's do it.

Bubbles: Want to keep it on the downsie though.

Ray: Alright, no problem.

Jacob: I can't believe we're working together.

This is awesome.

Julian: Yeah, thanks for the job Jacob.

Jacob: Oh my god, Julian. Is this your car?

Julian: Yup.

Jacob: Monte Carlo. What a cool car.

Is it an '86?

Julian: '87.

Jacob: f*ck, it's in great shape man.

Julian: Thanks man.

Jacob: Can you light her up?

Julian: I'll see what I can do.

[tires squealing]

Jacob: Yeah, light it up!

BAM!

See you later Julian.

[knocking sound]

Sam: Julian?

Julian: Oh my f*ck.

Sam: You're delivering pizzas now?

Julian: No man, my cousin's car broke down and I

Sam: Your cousin, yeah.

Julian: Twenty-two bucks.

Sam: Your cousin?

Julian: Twenty-two bucks Sam.

Sam: Yeah, okay. I got it right here.

Uh, I got most of it.

Julian: What do you mean?

Sam: I got, twenty-one fifty.

Julian: Sam, this is coming out of my own pocket, come on!

Sam: I'm not made of money man.

Come on, twenty-one fifty. Take it or leave it.

Julian: [sighs]

Police Officer George: Alright, next item. Harvey, Bern, all this luggage disappearing at the airport.

What leads have you got?

Nothing? You're off the case.

Ted and I will take this one over.

Hodgson, Chambers, want you to start laying down some muscle on this meat stealing ring. I mean, come on guys, they're stealing meat. How hard can this possibly be?

It's getting embarrassing. Alright, that's it.

Don't f*ck around out there.

Jim Lahey: Hey George, what about me?

Police Officer George: Actually, you know what, hold up everyone!

You know, Jim, there is something you can do for us.

Jim Lahey: What's that George?

Police Officer George: Take a run up to Horton's for the boys.

[laughter]

Jim Lahey: Every f*cking day.

Police Officer Ted: Guess you thought being back in the force would be more exciting. Double double decaf, Boston cream.

Jim Lahey: Double double. Triple single.

That's only seventy five cents, Terry. For f*ck's sakes.

Ricky: Hey.

Lucy: Hello. How are you?

Ricky: Hey Trin.

Sarah: Nice cooler Ricky. Is that yours?

Ricky: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah? How can you tell?

Ricky: What are you book learning Trin?

Trinity: Ah, mammals and stuff.

Ricky: Cool.

Trinity: Birds.

Ricky: How's the little bottle of joy doing?

Lucy: Fine.

Ricky: Well, I got you some meat. Lots of meat.

You got a bunch of pork chops and ground beef.

And bacon and this stuff, couple of those things.

Lucy: You know what dude, as great as it is that you got all this stuff and I know that you're trying, you know what we really need? Some money.

Ricky: Lucy, don't tell me you're going to start busting my cock too. You know what I'm going through right now.

And Julian quit working for me today.

Lucy: Uh-huh.

Ricky: I'm trying to sell this friggin dope.

What do you do when guys are selling dope down at the mall for six bucks a gram, even though it's shit, but people are buying it. I'm f*cking trying here Lucy.

Lucy: Would you like a piece of licorice Sarah?

Sarah: Sure.

Lucy: There you go. Enjoy. Chew on that.

Sarah: Uh-huh.

Ricky: I'm not trying to freak out. I'm sorry.

Lucy: Uh-huh.

Ricky: You got another baby on the way and that got me learning that I gotta become better.

For the person that's going to be born.

You know that I always become a better person when the person that gets born is born. I'll do whatever it takes Lucy.

That's what I'm talking about here.

You think I want to be stealing f*cking meat, I'm doing it for you guys.

Lucy: What happened to the guy I made love with in the bathroom of Kentucky Fried Chicken?

What happened? Where is that guy, huh?

Ricky: Lucy, please. We all know this is all Corey and Trevor's fault. I f*cking know you know where they are Sarah. I know you do.

And if I ever see those guys again, it's f*cking on, big time!

Sarah: That's right, Ricky.

Ricky: You got one of those Corey and Trevor things on your arm?

Sarah: Yeah I did. I did, because I miss them, because I loved them. You drove them out of here.

You know and you blame everything on them.

Ricky: I drove them out of here?

I gave them opportunities Sarah to grow dope.

You know what they did?

They couldn't handle it and they had to run away.

Sarah: I don't know where Corey and Trevor are Ricky.

If I did, I wouldn't tell you. But I don't know where they are.

Corey and Trevor are in a mental institution in an undisclosed location.

Ricky had them so overworked last year growing dope that they had complete nervous breakdowns.

Ricky: f*ck Corey and Trevor. I mean, I was always there for those guys. I helped them.

I taught them how to steal cars, how to steal gas.

Showed them how to grow dope. I cared for them.

I fed them. I was as good a friend to Corey and Trevor as anybody was. I was basically like their f*cking dad.

Nobody showed those guys more love than me.

Knock knock boys.

Trevor: Who's there?

Julian: So, we're cool?

Trevor: Yeah man.

[g*n sh*ts]

Ricky: Let's go, smokes. You're f*cking lucky.

Corey: f*cking snakes dude. f*ck no.

[music]

Sarah: The doctors strongly recommend that Corey and Trevor never come back to Sunnyvale again, not even for a visit.

And they're d*ad set against them ever talking to Ricky again or they say they could lose their minds completely.

Ray: Hey buddy.

Ricky: Where the f*ck are you guys coming from?

Ray: Just up at Shitty Bills.

Bubbles: Are you hungry?

Ricky: Yeah. I am f*cking hungry.

Ray: Are you hungry enough to blow 23 bucks on pizzas with the old man buddy?

Ricky: Where the f*ck did you get that kind of money?

Ray: I'm telling you Rick, you should rip the plumbing out of your place too. You would not believe the f*cking money I make in scrap metal, look at that.

Ricky: It's crazy.

Ray: Crazy? Better than delivering pizzas like f*cking Julian, Ill tell you that.

Ricky: What are you talking about?

Ray: He didn't tell you?

Ray: He's delivering pizzas.

Ricky: Is that true Bubbs?

Julian's delivering f*cking pizzas? That's his new job?

Bubbles: Ricky, don't be teasing him.

J-Roc: Hey pizza boy.

Jules? What you doing here dawg?

Julian: What are you guys doing here?

Cleaning floors J-Roc?

J-Roc: No you man, just filling in for some ma-f*ck.

What you doing here?

Julian: Just, it's uh, this charity thing I'm, it's a pizza run, it's, for the kids, it's uh, you know.

Tyrone: Charity pizza run?

Julian: Yeah, charity.

J-Roc: What are you talking about, you man?

Last I heard, you were stealing meat, you know what I'm saying.

Which is already whack. Not to mention it was with that snuffleupagus, walrus-ass manatee Phil Collins.

But now you delivering pizza B? Eh, you want a pipe?

Julian: J- Roc, twenty-nine dollars.

Bubbles: Alright, look. Here's the meat pre-list.

15 rib roasts, 30 ten pound bags of hamburger, 12 turkeys, 40 chickens, 50 sirloin steaks, 2 dozen pot roasts and 20 LOLs, otherwise known as legso lamb.

Can we pull this off? That's theft over a thousand?

Ricky: Bubbles, don't worry about it. I promise you.

We're not going to go to jail. All we gotta do is order some pizza.

Bubbles: Got me Ricky. Walkie check, walkie check.

You got me now?

Ricky: Yeah, that's a lot better Bubbs. You're clear.

Bubbles: Let's get this bullshit over with.

Ricky: Alright, see you in five or ten minutes man.

This is the most meat we've ever stealen in one time so the trick is, go to a specialtilization meat store and get a man on the inside. So basically Bubbs is the man on the inside. He goes in and sneaks in the freezer, waits til th close, and comes and opens the door, and we take all the f*cking meat we want, it's perfect.

Bubbles: Alright Ricky, I'm in the freezer.

Hurry up, I don't like being cold.

Ricky: Just hang in there man.

I'll have some warm stuff for you when you get out.

Hot chocolate, whatever.

Bubbles: Is the clerk leaving yet or what?

Ricky: Open 9 til 9. What the f*ck!

Uh, Bubbles, bit of a problem. It seems like they're open later than they used to be. I don't know what happened.

I thought I checked it but you're going to have to be in there for a little bit longer than expected. Not that bad, not that much longer though okay?

Bubbles: Define a little bit longer!

Ricky: Hopefully only like twenty minutes.

I don't know yet.

Bubbles: That doesn't make any sense Ricky.

That means they'ren til 6:20? Nobody closes at 6:20.

Ricky: It's not that bad. It's just, you know, it's like being in a freezer I guess. It's cold, or draw some things in the frost.

Pretend it's winter time, you're building a snow man out of meat and cats are running around playing. And Bubbles: Ricky!

Do you realize what you just said to me?

Ricky: Bubbs, let me tell you a little story.

When I was twelve years old, me and my dad were stealing meat.

I was in the f*cking freezer for seven hours.

He couldn't get me out and the locks were all different and Bubbles: Ricky, I don't care how long you were in a meat freezer!

Ricky: I did seven f*cking hours buddy. You can do three.

The first two hours are going to suck, I'll tell you right now. But after that, it's really not that bad.

Jacob, where the f*ck is that pizza man?

I ordered it forty-five minutes ago.

Julian: Did you order a pizza?

Ricky: Hey, pizza guy. Over here.

Julian: [sighs]

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

Ricky: What are you talking about?

Julian: Do you think it's some kind of a joke that I'm working here Ricky?

Ricky: Julian, you're playing pizza games.

I got a better offer for you. We can make two thousand dollars in meat tonight. Two grand. Bubbles, it's okay to come out now man. Come on out.

Bubbles?

f*ck, he must not hear me.

Julian: How long's he been in there?

Ricky: Not that long, ten, twenty minutes.

Well, yeah, close to three hours, I guess.

Julian: Three hours?

[glass smashing]

Ricky: Alright Bubbles, start gathering up the meat.

We're inside.

Hey buddy.

Aw, f*ck!

God, Bubbles can you hear me?

Bubbles: Yeah, I can hear you's boys.

Little disappointed in yas.

Julian: Help me get him out of here Ricky.

Ricky: We're not leaving here without meat.

Julian: f*ck the meat!

Go find a coat or a blanket or something, we gotta warm him up Ricky.

Bubbles: Very cold, very cold.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

That bread feels wonderful Ricky. Wonderful.

[moaning]

Ricky: I'm so f*cking sorry, what happened tonight.

Take tonight off and we'll get back at her tomorrow, alright?

Bubbles: Back at her? f*ck that Ricky.

I'm not working with you and Julian anymore.

Sorry, but that's it.

I'm done.

I gotta go to sleep boys. Just sleepy times.

Julian: Two pounds. What a f*cking waste.

Ricky: Holy f*ck! Raykins.

That's what those furry little bitches are Julian that are f*cking you over, raykins. On top of the mold, I'm going to snap man, I can't deal with this shit.

Two pounds of dope going up because of mold.

Great. Man, I hate to keep blaming Corey and Trevor, it's their f*cking fault. They should be here dealing with this shit, not me.

Julian: Sounds like you miss them Rick.

Rick: Yeah, maybe I do f*cking miss them Julian.

I f*cking miss Corey and Trevor alright, I said it.

Julian: Get over it, cause they're never coming back.

Listen, we're going to sell this dope.

But we have to be patient and sit on it.

Wait for the right person to smoke it okay?

And Ricky, we gotta lower the price to ten bucks a gram.

Ricky: Oh f*ck!

Alright, I'll go to ten, but no lower than ten.

It's still f*cking twelve for Lahey and Randy.
{"type": "series", "show": "Trailer Park Boys", "episode": "07x01 - I f*ck' Miss Cory & Trevor"}