(Scene opens at a diner at night, two tough looking guys are sitting at a table, a waitress serves one of them what looks like some meat and chips on a plate)

Waitress: Here you go.

Tough guy1: Fried crap will k*ll ya. [Second guy starts coughing] See?

[They both start looking around the diner warily]

Tough guy1: Dynamite the doughnuts. [Second guy brings out a pair of g*n and they both stand up]

Tough guy2: Hands in the air right now!

Tough guy1: Get up! Let's go!

Tough guy2: Move it!

[The waitress and waiter both look shocked and put up their hands. Tracy and Jeremy (a young couple) are chased away from their booth to stand next to the counter]

Tough guy2: All your wallets, I want them on the counter! Right now!

Tough guy1: You! Your watches, your jewellery, take it all off!

[Second guy whispers something into the first guy's ear]

Tough guy1: We're moving into the backroom, go, go!

Tough guy2: Move it! Come on. [He tugs Tracy and holds her back] Not you.

Jeremy: Hey! Hey!

Tough guy2: She's staying right here. [he points his g*n at Jeremy to make sure Jeremy doesn't interfere]

Jeremy: I'm not going to let them do this!

Waiter: Woah! [he holds Jeremy back]

[Tough guy1 cocks his g*n and puts it under Jeremy's chin]

Tracy: No Jeremy, please, just do what they say, please.

Jeremy: Okay, okay.

Toughguy1: Move!

[The other 3 start moving into the back room and second guy starts leering at Tracy before he starts coughing uncontrollably. Jeremy takes his chance and picks up something heavy to cosh the first guy while he's not paying attention. He then tackles the second guy to the ground and starts pounding the guy's head against the ground]

Jeremy: Son of a bitch, you thought I was going to let you hurt my wife?!

[Second guy's eyes are starting to glaze out when the waiter stops Jeremy]

Waiter: Hey mister! Your wife.

[Camera pans to the corner where Tracy was flung after the tackle. She's sitting up but looks like she's gone into anaphylactic shock and can't breathe]

Jeremy: What did he do to her?

Waiter: Nothing.

[Camera zooms into her throat where CGI takes over and we see her throat closing up. Jeremy takes Tracy in his arms]

Jeremy: Tracy!

(A sh*t of Tracy in a hospital bed with Jeremy comforting her beside her before we see a close-up sh*t of Tracy's case file in House's hands. We're back to the Diagnostics conference room)

Cameron: 20-yr-old married African-American female couldn't breathe. Anaphylaxis-like throat-swelling.

House: Children?

Cameron: You think pregnancy would explain the--

House: It explains the marriage. Who the hell gets married at 20?

Foreman: I'm guessing people in love?

House: Show me a 20-yr-old who's not in love. You get married at 20 you're going to be shocked at who you're living with at 30. [He looks out the glass wall to find Wilson chatting up a pretty nurse - they seem to be enjoying their conversation and the nurse is laughing at some joke Wilson has made]

Cameron: Not allergies, negative on the skin test - 4 days of antihistamines and steroids.

House: Who's he talking to?

Cameron: What?

House: It's got an ass, technically that makes it a who.

[the Ducklings turns around to see]

Cameron: Uhh... new nurse in Peds. Wendy something. Swelling just started to go down.

House: You seen her here before?

Cameron: Couple times. I tried following her home, but she gave me the slip.

[Foreman is amused by Cameron's remark]

Cameron: Swelling's--

[House suddenly walks out of the room to join Wilson and Wendy. Wendy is laughing at something Wilson said again]

House: You think that's funny, ask him about the time he sabotaged my cane.

Wendy: [laughs] You serious?

Wilson: There was a point to it. Wendy, this is House.

House: Something about not getting too uppity with normal folks who walk good.

Wendy: You're everything I'd heard. Nice to meet you. [she walks off]

Wilson: [grimaces at House] Why so rude?

House: You sprinted through 3 bad marriages, into an affair with a dying patient - now a naughty nurse? How many more failed relationships are we both going to have to deal with before you learn to love yourself? And I mean that in a literal way.

Wilson: It's amazing how you can not only know it's a relationship but that it's a bad relationship based on nothing but... nothing.

House: I know you.

Wilson: I'm not with her, not even trying.

House: You're lying to me, that's interesting.

Wilson: [walking towards his office] Well, as long as it's interesting.

[House walks back into the conference room]

Cameron: Swelling is--

House: Why is she hanging out here?

Cameron: Anyone interesting in what happened with the swelling?

House: She's in Peds, it's the next wing over.

Cameron: If you're wondering if Wilson's dating her, ask Wilson.

Foreman: Clearly he did and Wilson denied it, and House doesn't believe him. It's gotta hurt, that's why it pays to have more than one friend, House.

House: If he's not hitting that then why's she here?

Cameron: Because I'm hitting that and it's totally hot. [House, Chase and Foreman look at her shocked for a moment] Swelling took 4 days to resolve, patient has unexplained intensive abdominal pains.

House: So explain them. Wake me when they've done an exploratory laparotomy. Anybody know her? Know her story?

Cameron: Up an' at 'em. [she spreads the case file on the table in front of House] They did a laparotomy. Liver, bowel, gall bladder, appendix all clean.

House: Belly pain plus throat swelling.

Chase: She was in some sort of as*ault right? Simple neck trauma.

Cameron: He says they didn't touch her neck and if they did it would have been resolved by now.

[House sits down at the table to look at the file]

Foreman: Didn't need to touch her, some guy coughed on her right?

Cameron: He's in jail and he's completely healthy except for the broken head he got from the beating he took.

[Chase gets up and comes to stand behind House so he can look at the case file. House closes the file and looks up at Chase]

Chase: There's pot. On the tox screen. [House opens the file again] Salmonella from the pot would explain the stomach pains.

Foreman: At a stretch, she'd have a fever.

Chase: She's on steroids from the swelling therefore no fever. And the smoking explains the throat.

Foreman: Sorry, take it back, that's a stretch.

House: Got a better idea? [Silence] Then stretch away. Start her on floroquinolone for the salmonella.

(Next scene, House enters the clinic. A patient - Michael Tritter stands there waiting)

Tritter: I was waiting 2 hours out there. [He puts a piece of gum in his mouth and House closes the door]

House: Fascinating. Have you considered a career as a memoirist? [He sits down on the stool] Let's see it.

Tritter: You don't to introduce yourself? [He starts unzipping his pants]

House: Sorry, I thought you were waiting 2 hours, didn't know you wanted to chat. Hi, I'm Greg. How 'bout that local sports team? [He checks out Tritter's crotch as Tritter pulls his pants down] It's not an infection.

Tritter: How can you tell--

House: You want me to touch you? It's your private place. You're chewing nicotine gum which causes dehydration which causes wear and tear. Try a lubricant or foreplay if you're cheap.

Tritter: Just take a swab and get it tested, ok?

House: Sorry, already met this month's quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots. [He pops a vicodin]

Tritter: You're rude.

House: Wow, you're like a... detective or something.

Tritter: And you're smart, and you're funny but you are bitter. [He starts pulling up his pants] And you're lonely, so you treat everyone around like they're idiots and you get away with it because of your cane.

House: Please stop, it's hard to write through the haze of bitter tears.

Tritter: But you're not actually getting away with it. Last nurse you made fun of, she probably slipped some crap into your coffee.

House: Nyeah, I asked for decrappinated coffee. [He takes his cane and is about to walk out when Tritter deliberately kicks at his cane. House loses balance and falls against the door. He looks back in surprise]

Tritter: Treat people like jerks, you get treated like a jerk.

[House walks back to the stool wearing a resigned look. Tritter pulls his pants back down and House takes a swabbing]

Tritter: Thank you.

House: Bend over. [Tritter smiles like it's a joke]

Tritter: You're kidding me.

House: If you have an infection, you'd have a fever. You're chewing nicotine gum which messes with the weather in your mouth so I need to [he shows the thermometer] vacation elsewhere.

[Tritter pulls down his pants a bit more and bends over. House shoves the thermometer up and Tritter gives a little yelp of pain]

House: And wait 'til I put the thermometer in. [Tritter tries to look back to see what House is doing] Uh uh, you break it, you bought it.

[Leaving the thermometer where he shoved it, he walks out of the clinic room to the nurse's counter]

House: Leaving early today. [He returns Tritter's file] Did you ever get that thing where you're sure you've forgotten something but you can't figure out what? [Nurse shakes her head] Guess it can't be that important. [He throws away the swabbing test he did on Tritter and walks off]

(Foreman is talking to Tracy and Jeremy)

Foreman: Salmonella's a bacterial infection that you can get from pot plants, causes stomach pain.

Tracy: And my throat?

Foreman: The thinking is it's an inflammatory reaction to the smoking.

Jeremy: How much would you need to smoke for your throat to go nuts like that?

Foreman: Most cases a lot.

Jeremy: We don't smoke a lot.

Foreman: Let's just start the treatment.

Jeremy: You think we're liars as well as druggies?

Foreman: Actually I'm wondering if you'd mind getting her a cup of ice chips.

Jeremy: You're not going to get any different answer from her.

Tracy: No, no, he can stay. No offence but this place is scary, I feel better when he's around.

Foreman: Tracy, I need to talk to you.

Tracy: We don't do a lot of drugs.

Foreman: I need to know your answers aren't being pressured. [Jeremy looks annoyed]

Tracy: Look, if you think the antibiotics are a good idea, you can give them to me.

Foreman: Okay. [Hangs up the drip] Worse case scenario, it'll help us rule out a few things.

[Jeremy makes a noise of disbelief]

Tracy: He's a good guy, he just has a hard time holding in his emotions.

Jeremy: You don't have to apologise for me.

Tracy: That mean you're going to do it for yourself?

Jeremy: I got nothing to apologise for.

Tracy: [sighs] He's young. [she starts scratching at her arm] Itchy.

[Foreman takes a look at the arm]

(Chase and Foreman talking to House as he signs something at the nurse's station)

Foreman: Allergic reaction to the floroquinolone.

Chase: We should switch her to a different antibiotic.

House: Why?

Chase: We can't treat the salmonella unless--

House: Salmonella? That was a total stretch.

Foreman: Man, why does that sound so familiar? You think it's 'coz I said it an hour ago?

House: Then it was a dumb thing to say, now it's smart. She's got the rash so we know she's unusually susceptible to allergic reactions so that's what brought her in. Probably the peanut butter in her sandwich.

Chase: Stick test was negative for peanuts.

House: That's because you foolishly tested her while she was lying down.

Foreman: Exercise-based anaphylaxis? Think that requires exercise. When her throat closed they'd just got done eating, not even competitive eating.

House: And getting robbed. Always gets my heart rate up. Give her the same food she ate at the diner and stick her on the treadmill.

Foreman: Better yet put a good to her head, thr*at to r*pe her.

House: You don't think I'm going to get a response?

Foreman: No.

House: You're on, 50 bucks.

Foreman: I'm not betting on a patient's--

House: A hundred bucks? If you say so. [He walks into a room and Chase and Foreman exchange a look before walking off together]

(Tracy is running on the treadmill.)

Foreman: Tracy, I'm increasing the speed a little.

Tracy: My stomach really hurts! Jeremy, you out there? Talk to me!

Jeremy: You're doing great! Isn't this enough?

Foreman: We're not getting any allergic response yet.

Jeremy: Come on, shut it off.

Foreman: We don't complete the test, my boss will just come down here and do it himself; you do not want that.

Jeremy: She's in pain - look at her!

Foreman: I don't want to have to ask you leave.

Jeremy: You're gonna ask me to leave, are you kidding me? This is my wife! You guys aren't helping her, you're just hurting her! What? You guys have all this equipment here, and you're not doing anything! You can't even figure out what's wrong - ah! [He screams and clutches his stomach.] God, it hurts!

Foreman: Where?

Jeremy: My stomach and my chest. Ah!

Foreman: [picking up the phone] It's Foreman: get me a wheelchair!

(Short sh*t of Jeremy and Tracy in a room, then cut to the hallway in front of Diagnostics.)

Foreman: He's as sick as she is, now.

House: Told you it would work.

Foreman: It worked on the wrong patient.

House: We can spend all day arguing right and wrong. Give me the hundred bucks.

Foreman: We didn't bet!

House: We could spend all day arguing whether we bet or not. Give me the hundred bucks.

Chase: Come on Foreman, pay up. He won! Or he just never finished the DDX.

Foreman: [pays up as they enter the locker room] Husband's test showed no MI. No aortic dissection. It's not his heart, it's just nonspecific chest and abdominal pain.

House: So, psychosomatic? Panic att*ck? [House takes Cameron's stethoscope and begins to break into a locker.]

Cameron: Pain persisted after he got Lorazepam and morphine. Who's locker is that?

House: Mine. Chest, stomach, throat. What does it all mean?

Cameron: We're in the nurses' locker room!

House: I know that. [The locker opens.] Oh, that is so annoying! Wilson's girlfriend's left her stuff in my locker again.

Chase: Great, I hadn't committed any felonies yet today.

House: Relax, you know they're going to blame...

Foreman: House, you wanna mess with Wilson, no problem. But you've got no reason to screw around with -

House: Can we get back to the medicine?

Foreman: Okay. Why assume one disease? His chest, her throat.

House: So it's just a coincidence that they both got crippling stomach pains. Wow, they really are a great couple. So much in common. One blue shoe - what do you think that means?

Foreman: It means you're insane! Wilson's not dating her.

House: You feeling luckier?

Foreman: It doesn't matter what I answer?

House: Two hundred it is.

Cameron: If they're married and caught the same disease, then it means they -

House: Aha! Brochure to a jazz festival in the Poconos this weekend.

Chase: Wilson likes jazz. Foreman, pay the man.

House: Four, five, six novels, no music. What does that mean?

Foreman: She's literate.

House: It means she spends her time reading, not listening. She'd only want to go and watch jazz if the only person wanted to go. She has a martyr complex. Issues of inferiority.

Cameron: Married couple. Same disease. They either got it from each other, or in the same place.

House: Infectious or environmental. All you have to do is check out parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, radiation, toxins, chemicals, or it's internet p*rn related. I'll check the internet, you guys cover the rest of the stuff.

(The team checks out Tracy and Jeremy's home.)

Chase: If they can live here without k*lling each other, they must really be in love. It's tiny.

Foreman: Then how come it's taking you so long to search it?

Chase: Box of condoms in his jacket.

Foreman: I know you're poor now, but buy your own.

Chase: She's on the Pill - why would they need condoms?

Foreman: No, no, put that back.

Chase: Why?

Foreman: We show that to House, he'll just call the guy a cheating bastard. Look how he is with Wilson!

Chase: He'd be right. Could be an STD.

Foreman: One that doesn't give him any symptoms in his sexual organs? He never mentioned anything.

Chase: Maybe they're embarrassed. What else could it be? You think they just like the sexy feel of latex against their genitals?

Foreman: Maybe the wife just wants to be extra cautious?

Chase: Come on, you really believe that?

Foreman: Yeah.

Chase: Good. Then I'm sure you'll have no problem convincing House.

(A hallway.)

House: That cheating bastard!

Foreman: He loves her!

House: Right, I bet he told you that she's the love of his life.

Foreman: People lie, I get it, but they don't go up against two armed g*n to save someone unless -

House: There's a reason that we don't let kids vote or drink or work in the salt mines. They're idiots! 20-year-olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often.

Foreman: Sorry! Ridiculous of me to draw a conclusion based on actually observing them. I should have just depended on your misanthropic view of human nature.

Chase: Gonorrhea explains all their symptoms. Fitz-Hugh Curtis syndrome for her belly pain, Costochondritis and bladder infection for his chest and abdominal pain.

House: Good. Now go rub their lying, cheating privates with a cotton swab.

(Tracy and Jeremy's room.)

Jeremy: Why would you want to look at our -

Tracy: Is this because of our condoms? You found them in his jacket, figured he hiding something from me. I thought I was pregnant last month, kinda freaked me out. I'm way too young to have kids.

Foreman: So you just wanted to be extra cautious.

Chase: Wish one of us had figured that out, stuck to his g*n. Still, we're gonna check you both.

Jeremy: She's the only girlfriend I've ever had. She's the love of my -

Foreman: Please don't say it.

Jeremy: I can't say I love my wife?

Foreman: We're still gonna test ya.

Jeremy: Why is it? I'm white?

Foreman: Yeah, that's it.

Tracy: Jeremy, I wish you would stop it. You're really embarrassing.

Jeremy: Everybody thinks they're so liberal, but I see how they look at us, white and black. Especially black. I'm sorry, Trace, but it's true.

Foreman: Great. Prove us all wrong.

(Hallway.)

Foreman: No scarring, no purulent discharge, and the NATs were negative. They don't have an STD.

House: What's that, you say? You have a problem with interracial couples?

Foreman: Thank you, Chase.

House: No! Haven't any of your shorties ever been whities?

Foreman: Not sure I understand your ghetto slang, Dr. House. How many black women have you dated, by the way?

House: I don't care about color. As long as they can help me breed a superior race.

Foreman: Yeah, my exes have usually been black, so what? It's not a racial thing, it's cultural. I have more in common with them, like I assume you only date emotionally stunted bigots.

House: Sorry, you're right. That kind of prejudice is totally fine.

Foreman: The abdominal pain's getting worse. We've had to up their morphine twice.

House: Take the wife off the steroids. If she spikes a fever, we'll know it's an infection. If she doesn't, it's environmental.

(Cuddy's office.)

House: He got off easy. I almost gave him a colonoscopy.

Cuddy: That was one of the stupidest things you have ever done, and there is heavy competition for - [House is rifling around in something.] What are you doing?

House: Hmm, only ate half your breakfast. Feeling a little sick this morning?

Cuddy: I'm not pregnant, they burnt my omelet. You need to apologize to this guy.

House: I'm a man of principle. I don't care how much time and money it costs you to defend me.

Cuddy: He wants to k*ll you.

House: No empty coffee cups. Off the caffeine. Good for baby.

Cuddy: Cup's in the other wastebasket, baby's in your mind! You can berate patients all you want. Shoving objects into their rectums is assult. Pay attention to me.

House: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you. Can't ignore that rapidly expanding first trimester ass, though.

Cuddy: Sometimes an ass is just an ass. You are not always right, House. Apologize to the guy.

(Tracy is dreaming in her bed, tossing and turning. She wakes up to see a man towering over her bed.)

Tracy: What are you doing here?

Jeremy's dad: Stay away from my son.

Tracy: How did you find us?

Jeremy's dad: Stay away from that girl. [He begins to twist Jeremy's arm. Jeremy and Tracy both scream. Across the hall, Foreman and a nurse run in. It is a hallucination, and Jeremy has rushed to Tracy's side.]

Foreman: What happened?

Jeremy: She's dreaming! She started screaming.

Tracy: They're breaking Jeremy's arm, please!

Foreman: No one's hurting him.

Jeremy: Baby, it's me, it's Jeremy. Tracy, Tracy... She's okay. Baby, it's just a bad dream, everything's okay, Tracy. Tracy? [Tracy makes no answer. Foreman gazes into her eyes, which make no reaction.]

Foreman: It was an acute delirium.

Jeremy: Well, she's talking, right? I mean, she's coming out of it.

Foreman: Well, she's not really talking. She's just making sounds.

Jeremy: Okay, when's she gonna come out?

Foreman: Jeremy, she's in a coma.

(Tracy is undergoing an MRI, and Foreman talks to Jeremy in his room.)

Foreman: So her vitals are pretty s*ab, but her response to stimuli is getting weaker, which means the coma's getting worse. The brain is slowly shutting down.

Jeremy: Can I see her?

Foreman: We're getting more images to check for masses or infection. [Jeremy groans.] I'll increase your morphine.

Jeremy: Her hallucination. If you knew what it was, would that make any difference? Medically, I mean.

Foreman: Not usually. In some cases, the form of the hallucination can tell us what part of the brain is being h*t.

Jeremy: I think it was about my dad.

Foreman: Your dad was breaking your arm?

Jeremy: He was a drunk, pill-popping r*cist. He caught me sneaking into her house when we were thirteen. She lived next door. He broke my arm and thr*at to hurt her. We ran off when we were sixteen.

Foreman: You still in touch with him?

Jeremy: k*lled himself a couple of years ago.

Foreman: Hmm. It's not medical, I just thought blacks were the r*cist ones.

(The doctors are looking at the MRI of Tracy's brain in House's office.)

Chase: Some generalized edema throughout and areas of increased signal here, here, here, and here.

Cameron: Damn. All over her brain stem.

Chase: It could be plaques, hyperdensities from the edema...

Foreman: Or tumors or anything.

House: You add brain involvement to the chest, stomach, throat, what've you got?

Foreman: Didn't spike a fever when we took her off the steroids, so it's not an infection.

House: Leaving environmental. What flavor?

Cameron: Environmental doesn't make sense, either. If it were toxin, we'd see it in their livers. None of their neighbors are sick, no coworkers -

House: They both got it, meaning it's infection or environmental, and since it's not an infection...

Foreman: What if they didn't both get it? Maybe we got our basic assumption wrong and it's two different diseases?

House: Maybe we didn't and it's sarcoidosis.

Foreman: Sarcoidosis isn't infectious or environmental.

House: Tell that to the clusters of sarcoidosis cases.

Chase: Firefighters and residents of pine tar forests?

Foreman: I did see these two putting out that blaze in the Pine Barrens.

House: If sarcoidosis has two environmental causes, it has environmental causes. We just don't know all of them yet. Husband's chest. He has slightly enlarged hylar lymph nodes. Sarcoidosis explains almost all of their symptoms, including her getting worse off the steroids.

Cameron: It doesn't explain his throat swelling.

House: That's what 'almost' means.

Cameron: 90% of sarcoidosis cases have lung scarring.

House: Oh, 90%?

Cameron: Oh, almost.

House: Fine, I'll consult a specialist. [He climbs over the balcony wall and into Wilson's office.]

Wilson: If this is more dating advice...

House: Love to gossip, but I've got work to do. Is this sarcoidosis?

Wilson: It's pretty nonspecific. Could be granulomas, could be plaques. What's this? Oh, oh, you stole Wendy's personnel file?!

House: In a way, aren't we all guilty of bribing the janitor of taking the file and giving it to me? Yes, I take my share of the blame, but society's also -

Wilson: First of all, I am not dating her.

House: She is so wrong for you. You know, she filed a form so the hospital would take extra withholding. Who does that?

Wilson: She's much too cautious for me. Point taken, I'll start dating her so I can break up with her and start dating a stripper. You're a miserable jerk who can't stand to be alone.

House: I didn't try to break up your marriages; you did that yourself.

Wilson: My marriages were so crappy I was spending all my time with you. Your real fear is me having a good relationship.

House: Yes, that keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness monster, global warming, evolution, and other fictional concepts. Although a big, romantic weekend in the Poconos could change everything. [Wilson is very confused. They make eyes at each other, and points to House and himself a few times in apparent disbelief.]

Wilson: You don't... no. I don't think it's sarcoidosis. [House walks back.]

House: He says it's sarcoidosis. Start them both on methotrexate.

Foreman: And if you're wrong?

House: If Wilson's wrong. We'll biopsy her just to be sure.

Chase: The brain stem? Brain damage is not only possible, it's likely!

House: Good point. Let's biopsy something safer, like her shoes.

Cameron: The husband, he'd have to give consent. He can't right now.

House: Why? This guy write with his stomach?

Cameron: He has a conflict of interest. It's not his brain we're cutting open, but he's getting all the benefit. He'd do it just to save himself.

House: Or to save her. She's the love of his life, remember?

Foreman: He never said that.

Cameron: She needs a guardian ad litum. I can't let you do this.

House: How're you going to stop me? Call Cuddy?

(Clinic.)

Cuddy: Cameron's right, there's a conflict.

House: No, there isn't! Not unless one of them wants to die a horrible, painful death.

Cuddy: I'm sure the guardian will figure that out.

House: In a couple days! Will the guardian convince the disease to hold off eating her brain until we can get the legalities worked out?

Cuddy: I just don't want some plaintiff's lawyer owning my hospital. Legalities help. Speaking of which, did you get your thermometer back yet?

House: Uh, we had a nice chat. Did you know he's a Rotarian? Listen, she'll die without the biopsy.

Cuddy: I need to cover the hospital's ass. You're too biased. I send you in there, you'll steamroll over him. Something goes wrong, he'll sue us for not disclosing the risks.

House: Then have Wilson talk to the husband. Wilson kills people left and right, no one ever sues him.

Cuddy: Fine, but only if you apologize to the clinic guy.

House: Nah, probably better to just let that couple die.

Cuddy: I don't care if you mean it. Just do it.

(Wilson is talking to Jeremy.)

Wilson: Unfortunately, we don't see any way around a biopsy. We'll do all we can to minimize any damage.

Jeremy: No.

Wilson: The methotrexate isn't showing any effects, yet. You could both be -

Jeremy: She's brilliant. All A's in college while working full-time. I can't do that to her.

Wilson: And if you both die, you think she'd want that?

Jeremy: Do it on me instead.

Wilson: It's not in your brain.

Jeremy: It will be. It's the same disease, right? Do it then.

Wilson: She could die before you show the symptoms.

Jeremy: Then stop treating me.

(Outside the room.)

House: Great job. Why don't you just sh**t him in the head?

Wilson: Hold on, that gives me an idea. You know what could save this couple, lots of misdirected sarcasm.

House: They're d*ad. Yelling at you might prevent you from screwing up like this --

Wilson: I didn't screw up. I did my job!

House: Your job was to get me the biopsy.

Wilson: No, it was to present the patient with his options.

House: Two options: biopsy or no biopsy. He chose the third, no treatment. How do you even do that?

Wilson: Remember when you used to just weave elaborate conspiracy theories about my love life? Those were such good times.

(Diagnostics.)

House: How much morphine is the husband on?

Chase: We can't increase it any more, his respirations are depressed.

House: Decrease it! Drugs cloud peoples' judgement. Cold turkey, you sucker.

Foreman: Uh, no.

House: Good point.

(House is poking around a cart.)

House: Did I ask you guys to follow me?

Cameron: No, which made us nervous.

House: They'll catch on if they notice that he's off the morphine drip. sh**t him up with one of these puppies instead.

Cameron: No!

House: You do understand it's not really a puppy.

Cameron: It's naloxone.

Foreman: An opiate blocker? It'll feel like he's swallowing a bonfire. That's pretty unethical, even for you.

House: How is that unethical? It'll lead to a diagnosis!

Cameron: It's leading to the t*rture of the husband on the off chance he'll allow a procedure on another person!

House: Which will lead to a diagnosis, didn't I just say that?

Chase: Give it up. Foreman and Cameron are too ethical, and I'm too scared of getting sued.

House: Fine. Now I'm just going to find someplace safe to hide this, where I won't be tempted to use it.

Foreman: You're not doing it, either. What, you're gonna run for it?

House: If they die now, they'll never be able to grow old and tired of each other. [He hands the meds to Foreman and leaves.]

Chase: We can't babysit House all day.

Cameron: I'll tell Cuddy to put a nurse by his room. [Foreman looks at the meds House gave to him.]

Foreman: Damn it! [He runs off, throwing the tube to Chase.]

Chase: Atropine? What happened to -

Cameron: He knew we'd stop him. He stuck both of them in his pocket.

Chase: That's actually pretty clever.

(Foreman runs into Jeremy's room to find House injecting the naloxone.)

House: Guess I can't use that trick again, huh? [Foreman tries to open the cart, but it's all locked up.]

Jeremy: Oh! Ow, my stomach, ow!

House: It's a pretty smart plan, Jerry, but I'm on to you. There's only one good reason to k*ll the biopsy. You poisoned your wife, and don't want the coppers to get wise.

Jeremy: No!

House: Oh. Then you're just a moron!

Jeremy: Biopsy me!

House: Only if this thing hits your brain, you moron! I can't stress that moron thing enough. You're k*lling your wife!

Jeremy: She is the love of my life!

House: Careful. Once you say that and you're on wife #2, you're gonna feel real guilty about saying that. Feel that? Get used to it, the pain's gonna get a lot worse.

Foreman: No, it won't. The morphine just isn't working right now for some reason. I'm putting you on a tranquilizer in the mean time. It'll work again soon.

House: Wanna bet?

Jeremy: I don't care about the pain. I need to be in pain, so I can get worse. That means you can do the biopsy on me!

House: Dude, she's in a coma. Who're you trying to impress?

Jeremy: I'd die for her.

Foreman: Give up. Or we can wait for him to grow up and get all cynical.

(Clinic)

Cuddy: I was just going to call you.

House: I need a court order to biopsy this woman's brain.

Cuddy: Speaking of litigation... [They enter Cuddy's office. Tritter is sitting inside.] Michael Tritter, you know Dr. House. You guys can talk here. [She leaves.]

Tritter: I don't want to sue you.

House: Good.

Tritter: I want to b*at the crap out of you.

House: Less good.

Tritter: I'll tell you why. You're a bully. And bullies, they don't back down until they run into someone stronger and meaner.

House: But you'll accept an apology.

Tritter: Yes.

House: Not really a recipe for sincerity.

Tritter: I'm not looking for sincerity. I'm looking for humiliation. Something that will make you think twice before you treat the next patient like crap.

House: Here's what's gonna happen: you go brag to your friends about how you made the big, nasty doctor go poop in his pants, I get Cuddy off my back by telling her I humiliated myself, here's the catch - we're both gonna be lying. I'm not apologizing. If anything, you deserved a bigger thermometer. [He leaves Cuddy's office to find Foreman and Chase.] What's wrong?

Foreman: Jeremy's worse.

House: Then that's what's right. You cut the stubborn jerk's head open and take a slice.

Foreman: It's not his brain. Lactic acid's up to 39, his intestines are rotting.

Chase: This isn't sarcoidosis.

House: He'll get his wish. He's dying, just not in a way that's going to help his wife.

(Diagnostics.)

Cameron: Worse. She's losing response to stimuli, he's vomiting blood and his lactic acid's 45.

Chase: He's got isochemic bowel.

House: So what?

Chase: Well, let's see. Lack of blood flow's causing his guts to die, which will cause him to die unless we cut out a few feet of small intestine and reattach the ends. I don't know, seems like a match.

House: Why does he have it? What does it tell us?

Cameron: Small cell vasculitis?

House: Good. Now, let's hear it again, but now with a more environmental or infectious feeling.

Foreman: Or, like I said before, it might not be environmental or infectious. He has vasculitis, she has porphyria. Belly pain plus hallucinations, classic symptoms. Can even cause a coma.

House: Fine. Start her on hematin for porphyria.

Cameron: What about him?

House: Take out the d*ad bowel, it's all we can do. And biopsy it. If Foreman's right, it might save him. If Foreman's wrong, it might save both of them.

(Lab.)

Foreman: The bowel's not d*ad.

House: Unless he's been tossing down cans of frosty lactic acid, the bowel is d*ad. What we're looking for is a reason it's d*ad.

Foreman: The bowel's not d*ad. Just general swelling and edema. The high lactate was probably from stress. We just sliced him open from chest to pubic bone for nothing.

House: Nothing's something. Forget the isochemia. Add the edema and swelling.

Chase: Probably from cutting him open.

House: Probably, not definitely. Okay, back to the beginning. What did we talk about? Anything, I want to hear it all again.

Cameron: Allergies, doesn't fit at all now.

Chase: STDs, maybe we got the wrong one. What about syphilis, neurological symptoms -

Foreman: He wasn't cheating on her.

House: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love of his life. Don't you have to wait 'till he's d*ad to make that determination?

Foreman: She's his only girlfriend ever. They grew up next door. They ran off together as teenagers. Sarcoidosis. We only ruled it out because we thought he had isochemic -

House: Why did they run off?

Cameron: What difference does it -

House: Kids talk about running off, not many do it. What was the reason?

Foreman: They were trying to escape his evil, pill-popping, r*cist dad. You would have liked him. We should do another biopsy.

House: How'd you know the dad was r*cist?

Foreman: He b*at up his son for dating a black girl. Extrapolated from that -

House: You see racism everywhere. Maybe he just didn't like this black girl.

Cameron: It's not sarcoid. We would have seen granulomas in -

House: She has pretty eyes. Forget infectious. Forget environmental. Defective DNA is keeping them from making a critical protein, hence the fluid build-up. Hits the throat, stomach, chest, and brain.

Cameron: Angioedema?

House: Hereditary Angioedema. Symptoms fit perfectly.

Chase: It's an incredibly rare disease. They would both have to have a parent -

House: Is it a coincidence that your sister has great hair, or that these two have green eyes?

Foreman: You're not saying... they're not brother and sister?

House: Ew, God, no! That would be sick. Half-brother and sister. Different moms. Dad must have had an affair with her mom. That's why he flipped out when the kids started dating, he had it himself, probably why the pills.

Foreman: You won't know for sure -

House: Test them for HAE or paternity. It's going to take a day. She doesn't have a day. Start treating and see what happens.

(Tracy's room.)

Cameron: Any change?

Foreman: Her response to stimuli is still just as weak.

Cameron: I almost hope she stays in a coma.

Chase: That's sweet, Cameron.

Cameron: I'd like to avoid shattering both of their lives.

Chase: You don't think dying will do that? [Tracy moves her finger, and the oximeter falls off her finger.]

Foreman: It's just her oximeter.

Jeremy: Tracy, Tracy, she's awake. Oh God, baby, it's going to be okay.

(House's office.)

House: Awesome, can I tell them?

Foreman: We've obviously got to let them know what's wrong, but the cause, the brother-sister thing...

House: Good plan. You've just got to keep them away from doctors, the internet, and anyone who's not a total moron.

Foreman: Yesterday he was willing to die to save her. You've got to give him time to recover -

House: He might be a little vexed that you kept letting him hump his sister in the mean time.

Foreman: Unless their dad was also the product of an incestuous union, the chances of serious complications are minimal.

House: Noble of you to take that risk. Tell them, or I will.

(Tracy and Jeremy's room.)

Jeremy: So we just need to take these pills?

Foreman: Twice a day. Angioedema's very treatable, you'll be fine.

Jeremy: So, what, we caught this from each other, or...

Foreman: No, it's a condition you both always had. The onset of symptoms are sometimes caused by stress or trauma - the incident at the diner.

Tracy: So we got it as kids?

Foreman: It's, um, it's a genetic disease. It's, uh, there's no good reason two unrelated people would get it. We think you guys should take a DNA test.

Jeremy: How can we be related?

Foreman: We think you have the same dad. But we don't know for sure until we do the tests.

Tracy: Oh, God. Oh, your father!

Jeremy: No, no, this can't be true!

Tracy: Jer, Jer, I'm lighter. I'm lighter than both my parents, and our eyes! Everyone always talks about how we have the same eyes!

Foreman: You're not really siblings.

Tracy: We have the same father!

Foreman: You didn't fight in the back seat on car trips, you didn't change each others' diapers, you just met and fell in love. The way you feel, that hasn't changed.

(Diagnostics. House is playing video games while Chase and Foreman pack up.)

Chase: Hey, Foreman, can you wear the beeper for a couple hours this weekend? What?

Foreman: We just destroyed two peoples' lives.

Chase: I'm not allowed to run errands any more?

Foreman: I'd like to see some sign that it affects you, or that you recognize that it affects other people.

Chase: So are you going to wear the beeper or not?

Foreman: Sorry, can't.

Chase: You just want to punish me.

Foreman: I'm busy.

Chase: With what?

Foreman: I'm going out of town.

House: Doing what? Foreman, you're not missing a blue shoe, are you? Com - you can't be when you know the answer beforehand!

Foreman: We can spend all day arguing whether you can bet when you know the answer beforehand. Give me the two hundred bucks.

House: What? [Foreman leaves, and meets up with Wendy in the hallway.]

Foreman: Hey.

Wendy: Hey. [And smooch!] You okay?

Foreman: I was just wondering, you really like jazz?

Wendy: I love it.

Foreman: You lying?

Wendy: I'm lying. I wanna spend time with you. Is that so terrible?

Foreman: No.

Wendy: Maybe we shouldn't walk out together. People see us leaving, and -

Foreman: Well, they gotta find out sometime. [He stops her by Tracy and Jeremy's room.] Let me just meet you at your place. [He goes in.]

Jeremy: She got her own room.

Foreman: She just needs some time alone. You want me to hang out here a bit? [Jeremy nods tearfully.]

(End montage. Wilson walks into his hotel room and sits on the bed - all alone. Cuddy peers at the "neg" on her pregnancy test. Foreman comes to sit next to Jeremy. And House speeds home on his motorbike. He is pulled over by a cop, and gets off the bike.)

House: If you've come to return the thermometer, don't bother. I've moved on.

Tritter: If you'd actually read my chart, you'd know that I'm a cop. You were going 40 in a 25 zone.

House: Oh, come on. This isn't because I was speeding, it's because I'm Latino.

Tritter: License, registration, proof of insurance.

House: Sorry, cool jacket. Only pockets for important stuff.

Tritter: That's a shame.

House: 50 buck ticket. Is that your way of beating me up, or is that the price for sticking something in you?

Tritter: You took a pill while examining a patient, that's serious addictive behavior. I'm betting that you're holding right now.

House: I wasn't weaving, I'm not drunk, you've got no reason to -

Tritter: Pupils dilated, appear to be under the influence of a narcotic. Would you mind turning around, please, and putting your hands behind your head?

House: Does that polite crap ever work on people? [Tritter grabs him and does the above for him.]

Tritter: Most people realize that there's only one answer. [He reaches into a pocket and finds some Vicodin.] Got a prescription?

House: I'm a cripple who works in a hospital. You don't think I've got a valid prescription?

Tritter: Arrogant son-of-a-bitch like you? Oh, I bet you didn't bother. You are under arrest for possession of narcotics. [He cuffs him.] You have the right to remain silent, which you should take advantage of for once in your life. If you give up the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "03x05 - Fools For Love"}