Season 1 - Episode 01

"Pilot"

[ 01x01 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Dwight: Dwight Schrute. My father's name, also Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name, Dweide Schrude, Amish. That's my family. I don't know where they came, the Amish, came from originally. Uh, Amland.

Michael: [holding up a Dundie and pretending it is talking] Hello. I'm Michael Scott. I'm the best boss in the world.

Jim: My name is Jim Halpert and I am a sales rep, which is a very important job. Um, without me dozens literally dozens of small businesses would go paperless. They would have to write on their hands, or bed sheets, or who knows you know. Total chaos, total chaos. I mean or they could get their paper somewhere else. Staples maybe. I don't know.

[ 01x01 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Michael: Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?

Pam: I guess.

Michael: Yeah, at one time or another every guy in the office has sprayed on Pam.

Pam: What?

Michael: Messages?

[ 01x01 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Dwight: People respond to the human touch and that's what I give them. I can look at a client and I can say, "Hello, how are you? How's business been going?" And we can go back and forth for sometime and uh, then I'll say, How much, how many reams do you want?" And they'll order it and then I'll take care of all the sales. I'll make sure that they get that paper. And they appreciate that.

[ 01x01 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Michael: Ah, right here. Three Stooges. High five. [Michael and Ryan high five] Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. [camera cuts to Pam then back to Michael] Now, who was the one before Curly?

Ryan: Uh, Shemp.

Michael: Curly? Very good. Curly Joe DeRita.

Ryan: Just Curly. Joe DeRita was different.

Michael: Well, comedy's kinda my thing. Watch this, here's Curly Joe. Mmm. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh, I forgot. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I'm h*tler. Right. [Continues with cod German] Me, me, me, me, me, me. Curly Joe h*tler. [laughs]

[ 01x01 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Michael: All these people are walking around and they're happy and their lives are just going along, ignorance is bliss. But if they knew what was lurking on the other side of that fence that furry monster. [imitating monster] "I'm gonna get you, downsizing." No. They wouldn't... They'd freak. And I'm not going to play God. They look to me for support. And they look to me for guidance and leadership. And I think if I could lie to them and it serves them, then that's what I'm going to do.

[ 01x01 Deleted Scene 6 ]

Michael: So this is our sales staff. They are the ones who are making calls and making us lots of money. [comes to a screeching halt and laughs] This is accounting. The numbers dudes. Do not let the job description fool you, they are all completely crazy. Especially that guy, he is a mental patient. [camera zooms in on Kevin] Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. The last place you'd want somebody like that is accounting. [hides behind office plant] "Very interesting, but stupid." Artie Johnson. It's a crazy place.

[ 01x01 Deleted Scene 7 ]

Angela: My name is Angela and um, I'm in charge of the accounting department. There are three of us, Kevin and Oscar.

Oscar: It's my job to keep the books in order. And, um, I... I'm, uh, immediately below my supervisor.

Angela: Oscar, how do I describe him. He's like a stapler. Do I need a stapler? Yes. But, I'm still the one that has to push it down.

Oscar: There's a lot of anxiety. I don't want to get laid off. This place is like five minutes from my house.

Kevin: I don't wanna be laid off. This is a good job for me. 'Cause I need my nights free. I'm in a band.

Angela: Not very worried about downsizing right now. Because, uh, I think you've met Kevin and um...

Oscar: Can I just say one thing? Um, my friend is Jewish, Art Geller. And a couple of years ago he, um, showed me how you can plant a tree in Israel, so I planted a tree. So... You know 'cause... Yeah we work in paper. Well, you know, I try to give back.

Angela: I have a lot of cat figurines on my desk. I think cats, really, are old souls. And, uh, Phyllis thinks so too.

[ 01x01 Deleted Scene 8 ]

Michael: What you don't know... Well, it can hurt you, but if you don't know it won't hurt you. Then, you can just be happy for a little while at least.

[ 01x01 Deleted Scene 9 ]

Michael: What's that?

Pam: Wired.

Michael: Oh, John Belushi. What a crazy guy. Phew, freaked myself out this morning.

Pam: Oh, yeah.

Michael: Yeah. I thought I found a lump. I checked the, uh... I check the jewels every month. This time... You know, it's a little different. It was fine. It was fine. But freaky, man, you know. Testicular cancer, God. Cancer, whoa testicles. So... What's, um... What you eating?

Pam: Smoked turkey.

Michael: Oh, place around the corner. Nice. All right. See you later.

[ 01x01 Deleted Scene 10 ]

Michael: Do I need to speak up? [grabs boom microphone] Hello.

[ 01x01 Deleted Scene 11 ]

Documentary Crew Member: [boom microphone drops into the camera sh**t] Can you move it out? Can you move it? Is that all right? Can you make that work?

Dwight: That's fine.

Documentary Crew Member: [new take] No, you don't even need ... That's fine. We'll keep it...

Dwight: I'm sorry it makes me nervous.

Documentary Crew Member: Understood, but it is what we need to capture what you're saying as clearly as possible.

Dwight: I understand. It's in a blind spot because I'm trained in several martial arts and one of them, uh, includes, uh, an awareness that the masters bring, uh, of anything on all sides of you. It could be behind you or whatever. This is directly in a blind spot, so I'm trained to respond negatively to something right above my head. [new take] This now I have an eye on. You see, it's on my periphery and if I needed to block it, att*ck it, stop it somehow. [does a martial arts move with his hands] I could come right out. I mean, I know you're doing your job, but... Documentary Crew Member[/b]: [talking over Dwight] It's...

Dwight: I'm doing my job.

[ 01x01 Deleted Scene 12 ]

Michael: I think better to be a happy idiot then a, um... Then someone who knows the truth.

Season 1 - Episode 02

"Diversity Day"

[ 01x02 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Mr. Brown: Thanks for filling these out. I promise this will be quick. We only have about an hour.

Michael: Yeah. I would like to see us erase 100 years of racism in an hour.

Mr. Brown: Does this company have 100 years to erase?

Michael: No, the country.

Mr. Brown: Oh right, more like 200 years.

Michael: Yeah, more like a 1,000.

Mr. Brown: Okay, um. Uh, I'll try to make this quick.

[ 01x02 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Dwight: I am a salesman, okay. And I don't think we should be doing this during prime sales hours. If you can prove to me that diversity is going to help my sales, I'll go elephant running with James Earl Jones. I really will, but not on spec.

[ 01x02 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Mr. Brown: HERO, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness.

Michael: I just think that HERO? It's cute, but it's... It's empty, you know? It's easy. Dwight, you know what, I came up with some terms of my own. Could you put these on the board? The first one is Inclusion, New Attitudes, Color-blind...

Mr. Brown: Oh, nice.

Michael: Expectations....

Mr. Brown: Good.

Michael: Thank you. Sharing...

Mr. Brown: Great.

Michael: And tolerance.

Mr. Brown: Beautiful.

Pam: Um, that spells incest.

Mr. Brown: Oh, my sorry. That is not appropriate.

Michael: Well, it's not ideal but you have to give me some credit 'cause I made it into a word.

Mr. Brown: Yeah, but it's not appropriate. This is not helpful as a memory aid.

Michael: I will give you a number of reasons why it is, actually. Okay, first, incest is bad. Racism is bad. No brainer, right? Two, incest. We're all a family, right? We're all brothers and sisters. Racial message? Um? Number three, and this is a fact. The states where they have a lot of racism are the states where they have a lot of incest. Okay? And finally...

Mr. Brown: Okay, Michael, I just...

Michael: No, no, no, no, wait. Final one, final one this is important. The more we can encourage interracial dating as a society the further away we get from incest, literally.

Pam: It would've been just as easy for him to spell insect. Of course, that wouldn't have made any sense either.

[ 01x02 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Mr. Brown: Does anyone have anything else at all? Anyone besides Michael?

Ryan: I have something.

Mr. Brown: Yes, please.

Ryan: Um, well I grew up here in Scranton and when I was a kid the guy who lived next door was a former baseball player, who actually played pro ball before the leagues were integrated. And he had the most incredible stories about...

Michael: Okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry this guy's a temp and I should've told you that.

Mr. Brown: No, no, no, no. An outsider's perspective would probably be pretty helpful.

Michael: Yeah, but no, seriously. Uh, you know, he's not a member of the full staff so, uh, Ryan you wanna just step outside?

Ryan: What do you want me to do?

Michael: Well, maybe you should go down to the parking lot. You know what. Yes, go down to the parking lot and check to se if any of our guests have parked in the handicapped spots. Cool? 'Cause the handicaps get a raw deal. Oh, you know what. That ties right into New Attitudes. New attitudes about handicap people. Very important.

Mr. Brown: I'm sorry, Michael. We're actually out of time.

Pam: Yeah, um, there's good things about Michael. He uh, uh... Yeah, definitely. Um...

[ 01x02 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Michael: "In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck." [laughing] He's going to lose it when he reads that. Doh! Hogan! Not again, Hogan! Get Col. Burkhalter on the phone! [laughing] I'm kind of a Hogan around here. And kind of, Jan is kind of Col. Burkhalter, then Dwight is Schultz. But, it's... Oh, God. We have fun. We have fun. 'Cause he's gonna be pissed. [making voice] No doubt about it.

[ 01x02 Deleted Scene 6 ]

Dwight: What you doing?

Jim: Freecell.

Dwight: Solitaire is a one-player game. It can't have two players.

Jim: Well, I mean.

Dwight: What's your win rate?

Pam: Seventy-six percent. What's yours?

Dwight: You're not allowed to play two-player. You need to start over.

Pam: You're doing fine.

[ 01x02 Deleted Scene 7 ]

Michael: Are we going? [Dwight puts four fingers in front of the camera to start a countdown] Don't do that. Just say action when we're ready.

Dwight: Dunder Mifflin, Michael Scott, Diversity Tomorrow, take four. And action.

Michael: [mumbling] Should I... turn, no. Do it again.

Dwight: Diversity Tomorrow, take five. Action.

Michael: Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a r*cist, I will att*ck you with the North." And those are the principles... Damn it. Okay, sorry. Don't laugh; please don't laugh this time Dwight. You're... it's, it's bugging me. Let me give myself a countdown, ready? Three, two, one.

Dwight: Take six.

Michael: Just let me do it! God! Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton... Keep the camera steady please! People are gonna get sea sick watching this. Ready? Three, two, one.

Dwight: Action.

Michael: Don't. Please don't say anything. [sighs] Oh, God.

Dwight: And action... Lights, camera, action. Whenever you're ready.

Michael: Could I count myself down please, Dwight. Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a r*cist, I will att*ck you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.

Dwight: Cut.

[ 01x02 Deleted Scene 8 ]

Michael: [wandering around the room during his diversity exercise] I want you to push it. I want you to push 'cause breakthroughs are right around the corner. Something's going to pop here. Something's going to pop between a party. Feel what it's like to be in someone else's skin. What does it feel like to be a different race? It feels pretty bad doesn't it. So let that come out.

[ 01x02 Deleted Scene 9 ]

Michael: Yeah, I marched on Washington back in the day. I went to the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial, U.S. Mint, congressman talked to our class. It was pretty cool.

Michael: Talk like you're talking to that race. I have a feeling that this could get kind of volatile. So keep it going. [camera shows Devon sitting outside with West Nile]

[ 01x02 Deleted Scene 10 ]

Jim: Um, what's going on here?

Pam: People treat us like the race on our forehead. And then we guess what race we are.

Jim: Ah, good. Good luck. Doing good. [goes to the index cards and writes another race down]

Dwight: Oh, man, am I a woman?

Jim: Yes, yes.

Dwight: God!

Jim: How embarrassing is it? That's not fair. Here...

Dwight: It's not fair.

Jim: Try this. [takes Dwight's 'Asian' race and switches it with the one he wrote]

Dwight: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Jim: Go get 'em.

Dwight: Good. [clears throat] So, am I a hunter gather culture?

Pam: No.

Dwight: Do I live near a harbor or an ocean?

Pam: No.

Dwight: No, I'm an inland. Am I a mountainous?

Pam: No.

Dwight: Am I nomadic?

Pam: No.

Dwight: Okay, okay, okay, okay. I think I got this. Um, I am treated in a foreign way with a great deal of prejudice. Am I one of those tribes in Africa? The piggies, or whatever?

Pam: No.

Dwight: No. But I am, I am human, right? [Pam hesitates]

Dwight: [Dwight's new race is 'Dwight'] I could be French.

Dwight: [takes his 'Dwight' race off his forehead] Damn it, Jim! That's not funny, Jim!

Michael: Oh, okay. Here we go, breakthrough radar. What happened? What happened here?

Pam: It didn't have anything to do with race.

Michael: Okay, all right. Let's keep on track. Keep on point. Let's do it.

[ 01x02 Deleted Scene 11 ]

Pam: One time we had an ethnic festival in Scranton. One time.

Michael: Try my googi, googi. [Lowering voice] Try my googi, googi. [High-pitched voice] Try my googi, googi. Try my... [Kelly slaps Michael] All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Kelly thank you. [claps] She's not here, but she gets it. That's what we have been looking for. The whole time. [trying not to cry] Oh, man. This is what I thrive on. You know? It's like Don Rickles on acid, man. Right?

Jim: Um, why did she slap Martin Luther King?

Michael: What, huh?

Pam: What card was she?

Jim: I think she wasn't wearing a card.

Michael: It's good. This is good. We got it happening now. All right? Let's keep it rolling. Let's round it up.

Season 1 - Episode 03

"Health Care"

[ 01x03 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Dwight: [heated discussion in the 'Dwight Schrute Workspace', door opens] I did not dismiss you.

Oscar: Well, you have no right to ask those questions.

Dwight: You came into my office voluntarily.

Oscar: Because I don't want my benefits slashed.

Dwight: Well, maybe they won't get slashed if you answer all my questions.

Oscar: I'm reporting you.

[ 01x03 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Dwight: You know when ever a worker is promoted above their peers there's always going to be a little bit of jealousy. Uh, it's natural. And that's going to lead to goofing off and that's okay that's fine. As long as they are willing to suffer the consequences.

[ 01x03 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Oscar: Michael I need to talk to you.

Michael: Sorry, too busy can't even come to the door.

Oscar: [opens door] Michael.

Michael: Yeah, no... [hurries to get up from chair]

Oscar: Michael, Michael I... [blinds rustle] ... inside.

Michael: You know what. I, um, I'm out the door. I'm going to a meeting. Pam, I'm headed out to another meeting. So see you later. Uh, here we go.

[ 01x03 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Pam: We stole Dwight's trashcan and she found some of his early attempts at his sign.

Jim: Okay, here's uh, this is very simple. "Dwight's Workspace," nice.

Pam: Mmm hmm.

Jim: Um, this one interesting the power comes from the font in this one. "Schrute Space," very medieval, very England. Um, this one's forceful, this one's very Dwight. "Quiet! Dwight Schrute Working," it's good.

Pam: Mmm hmm.

Jim: I really heard him on that. This one's interesting I'm not really sure what he meant by this. Um, "Dwight Schrute Privates." Tough to say.

Pam: Yeah.

[ 01x03 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Jim: Okay, you know what, Dwight. What if you got a really serious disease like Ebola.

Dwight: Psssh, no.

Jim: Well, it could happen. Have you ever seen the movie Outbreak?

Dwight: Yeah. Well, have you ever seen the movie Unbreakable? 'Cause that guy couldn't get sick, just like me.

Jim: Okay. Have you ever seen the movie Sixth Sense? Maybe you are already d*ad.

Dwight: Unlikely.

[ 01x03 Deleted Scene 6 ]

Pam: You promise these are confidential?

Dwight: 100%.

Pam: Did you just mark on that?

Dwight: I don't think so, no.

Pam: You made a "P."

Dwight: Wrong. [walks away] Thank you Jim. Kevin. Stanley. [whispering] Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley. Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley. You finished?

Oscar: Oh, yeah. Here's the rest of them.

Dwight: That was... unauthorized.

[ 01x03 Deleted Scene 7 ]

Michael: Well, it is time to call in a little favor. A buddy of mine runs this tourist attraction, actually it's big. It's probably one of the most popular in the state. So...

Man on Phone: Hello.

Michael: [on his cell phone] Hey, hey Craigers, my man! It is Michael Scott here. [silence] Dunder Mifflin, we supply your office paper.

Man on Phone: Oh, I think we already did our order this month.

Michael: No, no, no, no. No, actually to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, here's the deal. Um, trying to give the troops here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could bring them down to go on your big ride.

Man on Phone: You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride.

Michael: Well, it says here that it's a 300ft drop.

Man on Phone: Well, it goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly.

Michael: So it's not a free fall?

Man on Phone: It's an industrial coal elevator.

Michael: Uh, okay. So um, once you get down into the mine, what do you do? Is it like, uh... Do you have laser tag down there or something?

Man on Phone: No, you just look around. It's a historically preserved coal mine.

Michael: That's it?

Man on Phone: Well, there's the adjacent Anthracite Heritage Museum. They got some really interesting old mining tools. There's also a photo mural exhibit. Uh, bat guano sculpture. [Michael hangs up cell phone]

Michael: Uh, he's a small client. They don't really buy much.

[ 01x03 Deleted Scene 8 ]

Dwight: Why do you want health care, Pam? Hmm? Why do you want it?

Pam: In case I get sick.

Dwight: Why don't you just go ahead and use Roy's health care plan, huh?

Pam: Because we're not married.

Dwight: But you're engaged. Aren't you and maybe you've set a date for the wedding, hmm? And because you know you're going to get married you don't have to take our health care plan seriously.

Pam: We haven't set a date. [Dwight laughs]

Dwight: You really expect me to believe you haven't set a date? I think you have. Sure Pam, sure. But you know what, you've been engaged for three years and I know you've set a date. And you know what else, I know you've got coverage under Roy and I know that you wrote down those fake diseases. Admit it. Admit it, Pam.

Pam: Shut up, Dwight.

Dwight: You wrote down... I didn't give you permission to.. I didn't...

Pam: I'm not talking to you anymore.

Jim: Dwight, I uh, I have something to confess.

Dwight: You're doing the right thing. Go ahead. What 's your confession?

Jim: Um...

Dwight: Let it out.

Jim: You're a jackass.

Dwight: Okay. You wanna do this the hard way. We'll do this the hard way. You wrote down those fake diseases didn't you?

Jim: No. Was that the hard way?

Dwight: I know you did.

Jim: Well, then why are you wasting everybody else's time interrogating them?

Dwight: Well, because I want to know who wrote those diseases down.

Jim: Right.

Dwight: You want you to take this pen and this piece of paper and write this down. Write this down.

Jim: Okay.

Dwight: I, Jim Halpert...

Jim: Wait, slow down.

Dwight: ...confess to health care fraud.

Jim: One second 'cause that sounds really good. Is jackass one word or two? [Dwight sighs] One, right? 'Cause, 'cause of the show, it's one.

Dwight: One word.

[ 01x03 Deleted Scene 9 ]

Michael: I've really learned from the greats. The great improvisers, Drew Carey, Ryan Stiles, uh, the Brady guy not so much. He's more the signing, Wayne Brady. Um, Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. [as Robin Williams] "Hi. I'm Mork from Ork." Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo. [as Robin Williams] "That's Good morning, Vietnam!" Well, hello to you. You know it would be... God. And you know what, sometimes when I'm watching somebody like um, like Jay Leno. He'll be half way through his step [snaps his fingers] And I will already be laughing at the punch line. He hasn't even gotten to it. He doesn't even know what it is it. So it's fun, you know it's fun having a mind that works like that. That is just a few steps ahead of... comedically ahead of like what's going on. Like I'll watch T.V. and I'll be watching a show and I will think, oh, I know someone's gonna walk in here right now and say something funny. And then they do. Or, um, I know they'll be like oh boy that person deserved to be slammed down. There's going to be some sort of insult. And there is. You know, there's like, "Oh you're... God your butt is fat." And I knew it. I know it's like I knew they were going to say that. I knew they were gonna go there. Don't go there. Um, but other... You know it's like uh, you know Leno, um and Letterman, Carson, you know. Need I say more? No.

[ 01x03 Deleted Scene 10 ]

Dwight: Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her.

Michael: We're all going bowling!

Season 1 - Episode 04

"The Alliance"

[ 01x04 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Dwight: Good, excellent, and file sharing off and done. Security software, 128-bit encryption, firewalls. Get up, I'll install it on your computer.

Jim: No thanks.

Dwight: Pssh, stupid. Identity theft happens all the time. I can become you like that. [snaps fingers] But no one can become me.

Jim: No one wants to be you, Dwight.

Dwight: Not true. And if they did, they couldn't because I'm password protected.

Jim: Is your password Frodo?

Dwight: No. [typing on keyboard]

Jim: Did you just change it to Gollum?

Dwight: No. [typing on keyboard]

[ 01x04 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Pam: [telephone rings] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold please.

Michael: All righty then, well I see you're going for the whole bored supermodel thing. "Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. May I help you?" [takes a drag from an imaginary cigarette] Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.

Pam: I wasn't really going for anything.

Michael: No, no. I get it, I get it, I get it. A child is born, "Oh, oh-hum." A beautiful sunset, "No, I'll catch the next one." Right? Unicorn walks into the office, "Oh, do you have an appointment?" [laughs] Okay, look Pam this is not meant as a criticism, but let me tell you what you're doing wrong. You are the voice of this company, right? And when clients call and you're not smiling they can hear that in your voice. It is a real turnoff.

Pam: Are you being serious?

Michael: Yes, I am, absolutely. So, the next call we get I'd like you to smile. I'd like to see a big smile.

Pam: Okay.

Michael: Okay. [waits for call]

Pam: No one's calling.

Michael: I know, somebody will. And we'll wait.

Pam: Sometimes there's a lot of time between the calls.

Michael: I know, I know, we will wait.

Pam: Okay.

Michael: We will wait for the call and you will smile. Let me try something, just while we're waiting.

Pam: Okay.

Michael: Tell me if I'm smiling or not. [covers face with hands] Hi Pam, how are you? Was I smiling?

Pam: Yes.

Michael: Okay, let me try this one. [covers face with hands] Hi Pam, how are you?

Pam: No.

Michael: I mean you can tell.

Pam: Yeah, I could tell.

Michael: I wasn't smiling that time and they can tell too.

Pam: That was a good example.

Michael: Thank you. All right, when we get a call I'll come back and you'll do the smile.

Pam: Okay. [telephone rings]

Michael: Show time! It's show time!

Pam: [smiling] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. One moment I'll transfer you.

Michael: Okay.

[ 01x04 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Dwight: [throwing away a banana, mayonnaise, and a sandwich from the refrigerator, smells the mayonnaise] God. [drinks from the milk carton and puts it back] Mmm.

Jim: [looks in the refrigerator] Hey Dwight, my tuna sandwich isn't in the refrigerator. You wouldn't know anything about that would you?

Dwight: It was rotting.

Jim: It was not rotting.

Dwight: Any employee may dispose a food item...

Jim: Stop. Dwight, stop.

Dwight: ...that risks contaminating the other food item. Read the official kitchen regulations memo.

Jim: Dwight, you wrote that memo. Okay, it's not an official memo.

Dwight: Uh, uh, not my problem. Okay, this is a paper factory not a bacteria factory.

Jim: Dwight, it's not a factory at all. Do you have to do what you are doing? [Dwight is tapping each of the bobble heads on his desk and making them bobble]

Dwight: Uh, if they don't bobble, what's the point?

[ 01x04 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Angela: What is this?

Oscar: My nephew does it every year. Anything you could give would be fantastic.

Angela: Okay, but I don't want to be put on a mailing list.

[ 01x04 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Jim: We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.

Dwight: God... Damn it! Why us?

Jim: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong. God, it's freezing, I gotta go in. You stay though for like five minutes.

Dwight: [talking over Jim] Okay.

Jim: You don't want to arouse suspicion.

Dwight: I'll stay for ten.

Jim: Good. I like it. You know what. Pretend to smoke. [Dwight pretends to smoke]

[ 01x04 Deleted Scene 6 ]

Michael: Do a poem for Meredith's birthday or uh, limerick. Limerick. Um, [knock on door] there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Come on in. Who had a big, smifflin.

Toby: Hi, do you mind if I sign the card real quick?

Michael: No, not at all come on in. [Toby signing the birthday card] No, no. You can't. No, red hair is my area. We have it on tape, so...

Toby: It's just a birthday card.

Michael: I was going to put that in my message, Toby. All right? So just cross it off. Cross it off, now. [Toby writes on birthday card] What are you doing? Oh come on, you're ruining it. Toby, come on. Just, look at that. That's wrecked. Ass. Get some white out.

Toby: There's some right there.

Michael: That's my white out. Get your own white out. Just... what's the matter with you? God. [Toby leaves] Okay, um, there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Who had a big, puttifflin. [thinking out loud] Mifflin, spifflin.

[ 01x04 Deleted Scene 7 ]

Jim: Uh, by the way. Have you heard Dwight say the word immunity, yet? Because if I can get Dwight to say the word immunity, it might be the greatest day of my life.

Dwight: Hey.

Michael: Hey.

Dwight: You wanted to see me?

Michael: Uh, yeah. What do you know about Meredith?

Dwight: I don't think she'd be missed.

Michael: There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.

Dwight: Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies.

Michael: I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.

Dwight: She had a hysterectomy.

Michael: Which one is that again?

Dwight: That's where they remove the uterus.

Michael: Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny here, okay. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?

Dwight: It could be kind of funny.

Michael: [sighs] Come up with a joke that I can use, okay?

Dwight: Mmm-hmm.

Michael: Help me out here.

Dwight: Okay. Hey Meredith, where's your uterus?

Michael: No, not a uterus joke Dwight. Please. Something useable. A joke.

Dwight: If I find a joke for you, will you grant me immunity? [cut to Jim holding his hands up like a champion]

Michael: What?

Dwight: From the downsizing.

Michael: There's not going to be downsizing, Dwight. You know what, I am on a deadline here and just, okay. Thanks. Thanks for your help. I'm... I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. [Dwight leaves] Thanks for coming in, that's always... Always helpful when I give him a call. Call him in.

[ 01x04 Deleted Scene 8 ]

Michael: Meredith. Oh, oh man, ah gosh. I can't remember why I came over here. Ha, ha.

Meredith: I hate that.

Michael: I know. Ugh, that is so annoying. [makes fart noise] Brain fart. By the way, do you remember any funny interactions we may have had recently that I've forgotten about? Just, you know we bumped into each and you said, "Brr, brr." And I went, "Argh, Argh." You know? Anything? [shakes her head 'no'] Well, if you think of something, let me know. 'Cause I like to know. 'Cause I'm going crazy.

[ 01x04 Deleted Scene 9 ]

Michael: Oscar, uh for future reference just think you should know, that you should probably make it clear that your nephew is doing the walkathon and that he doesn't actually have cerebral palsy. Okay.

Oscar: I never suggested...

Michael: No, no. I know you didn't intend to, but I just I got the idea and I, uh, I just don't it has a lot of ethical merit to make people think something. You know? And then prey on their emotions.

Oscar: Michael, if I gave you...

Michael: No, hey it's just kinda uncool, okay? I, just... Play fair, you know, play fair.

Oscar: Thank you.

Michael: Thank you.

Oscar: Okay.

[ 01x04 Deleted Scene 10 ]

Meredith: "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."

Michael: Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.

Meredith: No, I...I get it. It's funny.

Michael: [laughs] You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, Okay, here's a good one. Um..."Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back." 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?

Meredith: You're right. You're right. Yes.

Michael: Divorce. Um... Okay, "Meredith is so old..."

Oscar: How old is she?

Michael: If everybody... could do it? "Meredith is so old..."

Everybody: How old is she?

Michael: "She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her."

Michael: [clears throat] What's the difference between Meredith and Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson's surgery was unnecessary.

Meredith: You're talking about my hysterectomy.

Michael: Yes! Thank you. God. She gets it. [laughs] We just picked the best one right? Just had it.

Pam: [whispering] I'm so sorry. [Angela, Phyllis, and Pam all whispering] ... seriously, we're just...

Michael: Um, no, no. Come on. No. Don't comfort... don't comfort her, that's not... She doesn't need comforting. We're just joking around. I think she's... No that's very unprofessional. I think she's being very unprofessional over there.

[ 01x04 Deleted Scene 11 ]

Dwight: I'm only going to ask you this once. Are you part of an alliance?

Ryan: What?

Dwight: Well played.

Season 1 - Episode 05

"Basketball"

[ 01x05 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Michael: [slams palms on desk] Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you.

Pam: New pants?

Michael: Uh, yes. Thank you for noticing.

Pam: Abercrombie & Fitch?

Michael: Uh, they look that good? Wow. [Mike Myers voice] Oh, Pam please behave. Mike Myers, genius. Um, no actually I got them at a fancier place. Target.

Dwight: Michael, could I talk to you for a second, please?

Michael: Uh...

Dwight: In your office? [in Michael's office] You know that is why you have an assistant regional manager.

Michael: Yes, yes. Assistant to the regional manager.

Dwight: [to camera] Same thing.

Michael: No, it's not. It's lower.

Dwight: It's close.

Michael: What was that?

Dwight: What?

Michael: That look?

Dwight: What look?

Michael: Like trying to find the camera, to give the camera a look. Okay, we're done. Is that your stomach? I keep hearing somebody's stomach. [whispers] God.

[ 01x05 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Michael: So, you uh, see the Sixers game last night?

Darryl: Yeah.

Michael: [howls like a wolf] Oww whoo whoo! The Answer was on f*re!

Darryl: Iverson. Yeah, always man. It's very important.

Michael: Oh, man! Man I tell ya. Iverson has maybe got me b*at by like 20 pounds, 3 inches. [makes 'pop' noise with his mouth]

Roy: What? Iverson's not fat.

Michael: No, neither am I. We both look good.

Michael: Do I have a nickname on the court, um? Well, The Answer would be nice, but it's taken. So, uh, probably The Question. The Answer dishes to The Question. The Question back to The Answer. Answer over to The Question. The Answer, whew, [makes sh**ting motion] three points. The Question, whew, whew, [makes sh**ting motion] six points. Nothing but net. Question, who's the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister.

[ 01x05 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Kevin: I can't work Saturday.

Dwight: Please, have a seat. [Kevin sits down] Okay, why not?

Kevin: I'm in a band.

Dwight: Marching or garage?

Kevin: It's a Steve Miller Tribute Band.

Dwight: I tell you what. You give me a tape of your band and a tape of the Steve Miller Band and I'll get back to you. That is all.

[ 01x05 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Todd Packer: [on the phone] Mello.

Michael: Packer. Pac-man.

Packer: Whoa. Hey.

Michael: Pac-man [imitating the noises of the video game Pac-man eating dots]

Todd Packer: [on the phone] Is this Michael Scott? My secret lover. My intercom, I told you never to call me here. Never! [Michael's laughing]

Michael: I'm not your lover! I'm am not Michael Scott, I am Dr. Bergerstein. Your proctologist.

Todd Packer: [on the phone] Bergerstein!

Michael: Ah, yes. Ah. [laughs]

Todd Packer: [on the phone] Bergerstein!

Michael: It's not a Jewish joke, so don't worry.

Todd Packer: [on the phone] I want my money back you greedy Hebrew. Bergerstein!

Michael: [clears throat] No, hey, hey , hey. You know what I just wanted to remind you about the game today. One 'o clock. Big game, big game.

Todd Packer: [sounds sick on the phone] I can't make it.

Michael: Mmm. No, you said you could man. We're counting on ya. You know you're playing point guard.

Todd Packer: [on the phone] I... I'm not coming.

Michael: No. Hey... I mean, although it's just for fun, you know we want... I was counting on you man.

Todd Packer: [on the phone] Oh, God! Stop whining. You know, you only come to the pick up game once a year. You little bitch. [Michael picks up phone, takes it off speakerphone] All right, yup. Hey, okay. No problem, you know, best you can do. Hey, you know. Hey, nice talking to you too. All right take care. [sighs] Michael Scoot. That's funny. He's a good friend.

[ 01x05 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Dwight: [eating Tootsie Rolls from Angela's candy on her desk] Mmm. Good. Mmm.

Angela: They're one per person. [points to sign "Please take one!!]

Dwight: Would you like to have a vacation this year? That's what I thought. [continues eating Tootsie Rolls] Mmm, delicious.

[ 01x05 Deleted Scene 6 ]

Pam: Well, I though we were saving money for the wedding, but apparently Roy thought it was more important to buy two WaveRunners. I don't really ever get to use the other WaveRunner that's supposed to be mine because his brother uses it and they race.

[ 01x05 Deleted Scene 7 ]

Dwight: Jim, you're the new schedule guy, huh?

Jim: I'm trying, yup.

Dwight: Yeah, I hear that. You know what? This little baby might come in handy.

Jim: Great, thanks.

Dwight: On one condition. You...

Jim: Forget it. It's just a dry erase board.

Dwight: Oh, no it's not. Okay, check it out.

Jim: Okay, that's insanely complicated and the first thing I'm going to do is erase it.

Dwight: No, you're not because I spent hours on it.

Jim: Well, then keep it.

Dwight: Okay, I will. Okay, fine. You'll be back.

[ 01x05 Deleted Scene 8 ]

Michael: [misses a free throw badly] I... I think you can play. Like you could when you were a kid. I think you can never give up the play. Because if people stop playing, then they stop living. It's like a shark. If a shark stops playing he stops living. And sharks are very playful creatures.

[ 01x05 Deleted Scene 9 ]

Angela: [Dwight holds the first aid kit up] I'm the safety officer, not you.

Dwight: Isn't that crazy? I'm a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. Lackawanna County says that it's okay for me to perform CPR, but for Michael my lips aren't qualified enough for his perfect little face. It's nuts.

Angela: Is that really necessary?

Dwight: [wearing a face guard] I've almost had my nose broken a dozen times.

[ 01x05 Deleted Scene 10 ]

Michael: You know what. I think most basketball movies are great movies. Because it's a great subject. There's one about a little kid who, um, joins a professional basketball team and he's really, really good and he can dunk and he's like 3 feet tall. And he can dunk the ball. That, oh, I love that movie. That movie kind of, that movie makes me cry. I don't like to cry on camera, but that movie makes me cry. Um, because it touches a cord in me about hoops. [Michael's free throw is really short] Short, short, short! And basketball is like jazz, you know. To like pertipify it there's a jazz musician, a guy, you know... if you know jazz you know who I mean. He's uh, God what was his name? Um, he plays one of those curly horns, like those really shiny curly horns that's used in jazz a lot.

Warehouse Worker: [back to the basketball game] Let's go Lonny.

Jim: [Michael steals the ball] Yeah, Michael. Go Michael. [makes sh*t]

Dwight: Yes!

Michael: Birdie. He's not the guy with the cheeks. Kenny G. Is... if you knew jazz, you'd know who I mean. Kenny G. God. Glad I remembered that. Jazz people know who he is.

[ 01x05 Deleted Scene 11 ]

Michael: [back to the basketball game] Dwight, pass it to Jim! Pass it to Ryan!

Stanley: Oh, my ankle!

Michael: Stanley, gotta play hurt.

Stanley: Oh, actually no I don't Michael.

Michael: I just want you know, you've been a big disappointment to me today, okay.

Stanley: [in pain] Oh. Go away.

Michael: I'm in. I'm in. Here we go. [Lonny gets around Michael to score and he ends up in front of Phyllis] Zone, Phyllis! We're playing zone!

[ 01x05 Deleted Scene 12 ]

[Kevin makes seven straight sh*ts from the free throw line]

[ 01x05 Deleted Scene 13 ]

Everybody: [Michael hits a half court sh*t] Ah! [clapping]

Michael: Yes! Yes! All right. We got game!

Season 1 - Episode 06

"Hot Girl"

[ 01x06 Deleted Scene 1 ]

Dwight: The perfect girl for me would be Konikotaka. She has the most amazing story. She was orphaned at age 10 when both her parents were assassinated, and she was taken in by a wealthy, but very cruel, businessman. So she practiced aikido in secret for years until she could avenge the death of her parents. She's also a survivor of monster r*pe.

[ 01x06 Deleted Scene 2 ]

Dwight: This is really well made. Good stitching. Excellent fabric. [shakes the purse from side to side by it's handle] You sell a lot of these?

Katy: It's very popular, yeah.

Dwight: I knew it. Is it waterproof?

Katy: I'm not sure. It's faux snakeskin.

Dwight: Snakes are waterproof. So, I'm betting that it's waterproof. Do you know the difference between a snake and an eel?

Katy: No.

Dwight: 'Cause I could look it up real easily.

Katy: You're really into reptiles, huh?

Dwight: My belt's made out of alligator. Check it out. [lifts shirt]

Katy: Oh, um, it's okay.

Michael: Dwight. Dwight. Dwight! Okay, that's it. Keep it in your pants.

Dwight: I was just showing her my belt.

Michael: Well, don't do that. Where are your glasses?

Dwight: I....

Michael: He wears glasses. Did you know that?

Dwight: Not all the time.

Michael: Well, now suddenly he can see. [laughs] Okay, take off. See ya. Bye-bye. [gives coffee to Katy] There you go steaming hot cup of joe.

Katy: Thank you.

Michael: Oh, I know your hero. Yeah, saving you from Animal Planet Jack over there. [laughs]

Katy: Ha. Yeah, asks a lot of questions.

Michael: Yeah, yeah he is the worst.

[ 01x06 Deleted Scene 3 ]

Michael: What's the um, saying, "once their laughing they're... that's... Once they're laughing that's 50 percent of them being horizontal. So, not that I'm just... Not that that's my... that's what I'm trying to do, but I think it helps kind of melts the ice. Breaks the ice, melts... Breaks the ice and melts them. Melts their hearts.

[ 01x06 Deleted Scene 4 ]

Michael: Thank you, Al Gore... for the Internet. Can send messages from one side the global to the other in the blink of an eye. Can you believe we couldn't do that ten years ago?

Katy: We could do that ten years ago.

Michael: Right, but 20 years ago we couldn't and that is amazing. Here's Toby from Human Resources. This is Katy. Toby, Katy.

Toby: Hi.

Katy: Hi.

Toby: Hey, did you go to Bishop Ohara?

Katy: Yeah.

Toby: Yeah, me too.

Katy: Cool, what year where you there?

Toby: '89.

Katy: Oh.

Michael: [talking over Toby and Katy] Toby's divorced. God, that's hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids right? That'll damage ya. Sorry man. That's uh, that's a bad one. How much you paying her? What can, you can't even afford anything now, right? You're all right though, right? Don't ask me for a raise. [laughs] Cup of Soup's a good idea though. That'll... that's a good budgetary thing to do.

Toby: It's just a snack.

Michael: Well, they're good snacks. They're good food, good meals, good lunch. Roman noodles are good too. You still sleepin' in the car?

Toby: No.

Michael: 'Cause he slept in the car a couple times.

Toby: Just the once.

Michael: Are you still taking the antidepressants? 'Cause it was a good idea. 'Cause it'll help. It'll help, man.

Katy: I'm gonna go back to my table.

Michael: Okay. I'll see you in a bit. [whispering] She's pretty cute isn't she? See you in a bit.

[ 01x06 Deleted Scene 5 ]

Ryan: I mean whatever one you want.

Kelly: Um, I like that one I think. [Ryan hands her a purse]

Ryan: Yeah, I mean, it looks real good, probably.

[ 01x06 Deleted Scene 6 ]

Pam: You know Michael's been talking to her too.

Jim: Oh, really?

Pam: What do you think his chances are?

Jim: Well, Pam I'm not gonna lie to you, he's chances are none. Um, he's 41 years old, he is losing his hair and his cell phone ring is "Mambo #5." So...

Pam: [laughs] I like that song.

Jim: I don't know though. I mean, you know that was a h*t.

Pam: [laughs] 10 years ago.

Jim: Yeah, was it 10? Yeah, I have it on a mix tape from junior high.

[ 01x06 Deleted Scene 7 ]

Jim: Went well?

Dwight: I think it did.

Jim: You know what, just in case she's looking you should put some stuff in it.

Dwight: Seriously?

Jim: Anything. [Dwight begins to fill his new purse] Good. Yup.

Dwight: What else?

Jim: Post-it Notes. Wow, that purse holds a lot.

Dwight: It's a mini-briefcase.

Jim: Yeah, oh, I know. Looks great. [Dwight throws the purse over his right shoulder and gets back to work]

[ 01x06 Deleted Scene 8 ]

Kevin: Do you like Steve Miller?

Katy: No.

Kevin: 'Cause I'm in a Steve Miller Tribute... Tribute Band.

[ 01x06 Deleted Scene 9 ]

Jim: Hey, Dwight. I need your stapler.

Dwight: It's in my purse.

Jim: Oh, great thanks.

[ 01x06 Deleted Scene 10 ]

Dwight: Let me describe the perfect date. I take her out to a nice dinner. She looks amazing. Some guy tries to h*t on her. Uh, now he wants to fight. So I grab him. I throw him into a jukebox. Then the other ninja's got a Kn*fe. He comes at me. We grapple. I turn his Kn*fe on him. Blood on the dance floor. She's scared now, I take her home. I'm holding her in my arms. I reach in for a kiss. I hear something in the leaves. I flip her around. She gets a poison arrow right in her back. She was in on it the whole time. But, I knew.

[ 01x06 Deleted Scene 11 ]

Michael: All right. That's looking good. Hey um, Ryan do you have any music I can borrow.

Ryan: What kind do you like?

Michael: Ah, I know, everything really. I love it all. I love music.

Ryan: Okay, do you like hip-hop? Do you like indie rock?

Michael: Yes, I love both of those so much. A lot of 'em.

Ryan: Okay. Do you like The Strokes?

Michael: Mmm hmm. I like 'em.

Ryan: Do you like The Hives?

Michael: Yes. God. They're awesome.

Ryan: You like the Fleebulls, The Glorps?

Michael: Uh huh. Yup. That last thing they did was great.

Ryan: Yeah, I had a feeling you would like those.

Michael: Cool, so maybe hook me up with some Fleebulls and some Hive.

Ryan: Absolutely.

Michael: All right. This is gonna be good.

[ 01x06 Deleted Scene 12 ]

Dwight: Hi, here you can have this. [Dwight gives Kelly his purse] It's a mini-briefcase, but you can use it as a purse.

Kelly: Uh, thank you.
{"type": "series", "show": "The Office", "episode": "01x99 - Deleted Scenes from Season 1"}