FADE IN

EXT. - TRAIN STATION - DAY - DOCUMENTARY - BLACK & WHITE

JOE: (on the phone) We just arrived. Yeah, kids okay on your end? Good. Yeah, yeah, he's VERY excited. Hey, hey, listen, I gotta go, okay. I'll call you tomorrow. (pulls out his luggage from a wire bin) Excuse me.

[A young lady, JENNY, starts doing a passable imitation of a car alarm, in reaction to a teenaged boy with a HUGE growth on his forehead.]

JOE: (protectively) Get away. Get away.

FATHER: Sorry about that. Sorry.

JENNY: (tearfully) What's wrong with him?

EXT. - TRAIN STATION - DAY

JOE: Excuse us.

DOC - B & W

JOE: I oughta go back and kick the hell out of that guy.

TRAIN STATION

JOE: She's old enough. She didn't have to scream like that.

KENNY: It's okay, Dad. It didn't bother me.

DOC - B & W

KENNY: For the first time, none of these people bothered me. I just think thirty-six more hours.

TRAIN STATION - The earnest young doco-maker, DARNELL, walks backwards in front of Joe and Kenny.

DARNELL: Thirty-six more hours. How do you figure that, Kenny?

DOC - B & W

KENNY: Tomorrow at this time, I'm scheduled for surgery. It's a ten hour procedure, throw two in it for prep, thirty-six until I'm just another face in the crowd.

TRAIN STATION - Joe, Kenny pull ahead of the crew as they emerge from the station.

EXT. - PPTH - DAY - Side-on view of the back of PPTH.

INT. - OR - Kenny is lying on the table, prepped.

DOC - B & W - Flashes of the prep, a nervous CHASE.

CHASE: (formally) Kenny has a frontonasal encephalocele. It's a midline deformity. He's here to undergo a facial bipartition.

OR - Darnell, cameraman, camera are arrayed in appropriate sterile gear.

DARNELL: And what does that mean?

CHASE: Well, we have five surgeons...

DOC - B & W

CHASE: ... four nurses. He's going to require six units of blood.

DARNELL: Will it fix him?

CHASE: It'll repair a lot...

OR

CHASE: of the damage done by the...

[Darnell looks at her cameraman.]

DARNELL: We need a sound bite. (to Chase) Would you say he'd be ready for the junior prom?

DOC - B & W

CHASE: Yeah, yeah, well, that's probably true.

OR - Darnell waits impatiently.

DARNELL: No, I need you to say it.

DOC - B & W - As Chase opens his mouth, he’s interrupted.

CRANIO SURGEON: Dr. Chase?

OR - Chase turns.

ANESTHESIOLOGIST: We got an issue.

[Chase goes to Kenny, feels his throat pulse.]

ANESTHESIOLOGIST: Heart rate's skyrocketing. It's over 180.

CHASE: He's in v-fib. Paddles.

DOC - B & W

CHASE: Charge to 300. (to cameraman) Turn that camera off.

OR - Filming continues.

CHASE: Is this a reaction to anesthesia?

ANESTHESIOLOGIST: Haven't given it yet.

[Cameraman deftly avoids everyone as Chase takes the paddles.]

CHASE: Clear! [He shocks Kenny. Nothing.] Crank to 360.

DOC - B & W - Chase sees they're still filming.

CHASE: (to cameraman) I said 'Turn that damn camera off!' (to the room) Clear!

[Someone puts a hand out, blocking the lens.]

CREDITS

INT. - CUDDY'S OFFICE - DOC - B & W

CUDDY, dressed to the nines, sits in a chair along one corner of her office. She picks up a file, begins.

CUDDY: A teen-aged boy with a cranio-facial deformity was about to undergo a reconstructive procedure when he had an unexplained cardiac arrest.

[The camera moves to the sofa. Chase is at Cuddy’s end, looking attentive, HOUSE at the other end, staring into the lens, looking almost catatonic.]

HOUSE: Good.

[Chase stares at House, shocked.]

CUDDY: (whispers) Good?

[Cuddy, Chase stare at House, appalled.]

HOUSE: (still staring intently) I mean... go on.

CHASE: We have the patient on a pacing wire. It's the only thing keeping his heart going.

HOUSE: Yeah, we know. We're doctors.

CHASE: Right. I was just... it was just for them... (indicates the crew)

INT. - CUDDY’S OFFICE

DARNELL: Just be yourself.

DOC - B & W

CHASE: Until we are able to figure out exactly what is causing the heart block, the reconstructive surgery is on hold, obviously.

HOUSE: (incredulously) That's yourself? (grimaces) Fascinating case. (rises) I will see you again after I have saved his life. (takes the file from Cuddy) Have a warm bath waiting.

CUDDY'S OFFICE - The crowd scatters. House strides across Cuddy's office.

DOC - B & W - Nearly at the door, House turns to the cameraman.

HOUSE: You following me?

CUDDY: (smugly) Darnell will be trailing you throughout the case.

DARNELL: Pretend we're not here.

HOUSE: If I do that, won't I bump into you?

DARNELL: We'll stay out of your way.

HOUSE: (summoning patience) You know, it's a joke. (falsely sincere) See, I became a doctor because of the movie 'Patch Adams'.(considers) Uh, listen, do you want to get ahead of me, maybe back up, I don't know, low down, makes me look more powerful...

CUDDY'S OFFICE - House opens the door, herds Darnell, crew out.

DARNELL: (buying it) That's, that's perfect.

HOUSE: (oozing faux charm) Yeah. Also my eyes look better in...

DOC - B & W

HOUSE: ...rooms with summer colors.

CUDDY'S OFFICE

DARNELL: You know what, it's black and white...

DOC - B & W - House slams the door in her face.

CUDDY'S OFFICE - House keeps his back to the door. Cuddy goes on the att*ck.

CUDDY: You think I LIKE the cameras? (stalks across the room) You think I want the whole world watching you check out my ass and question my wardrobe?

HOUSE: (unrepentant) Would it be better if I checked out your wardrobe and questioned your ass?

CUDDY: (behind her desk) A little part of me...

HOUSE: There is no little part of you.

CUDDY: (persevering) ...thought that maybe you would see what great PR this could be for the hospital, and not make ME force YOU to act like a human being.

HOUSE: You using force on me is... intriguing. (glances outside her office) On the other hand, cameras make people act. Sometimes like human beings, sometimes just weird, sometimes they wear open-tipped bras.

CUDDY: It's cold in here.

[House takes a split second to reclaim his brain from his breeches.]

HOUSE: Less obvious point is that I need my team (glances again at the crew)to be unafraid of the metaphorical fart.

CUDDY: That production company is covering all the medical costs for this kid. So, either you let them continue filming... or the kid goes home with the same face.

[Cuddy sits, triumphant. House glances back at the crew once more, then, having no suitable rejoinder, beats a swift retreat.]

DOC - B & W - House leaves Cuddy's office.

HOUSE: Sorry about that. Private. (glares back at Cuddy) She waxes her mustache once a month... sometimes gets some pretty gnarly ingrown hairs.

[The camera leaves House to refocus on an annoyed, suspicious Cuddy.]

INT. - AUDITORIUM - The remaining candidates, COLE, TAUB, VOLAKIS, KUTNER, THIRTEEN, sit scattered across the auditorium. TERZI sits confidently down front.

COLE: So, did he hire you flat out, or are you competing for one of the spots?

TERZI: I'm not sure what you mean by that.

VOLAKIS: She's not competing. She was hand-picked by House. She's safe, like Foreman, so that takes three spots down to one.

[The left-side door bangs open; the crew back in before Darnell, House. The candidates register their surprise.]

HOUSE: Where's Foreman?

COLE: He's in the bathroom.

HOUSE: Good. Come on, let's go for a walk.

[House reaches up, grabs the boom mic.]

DOC - B & W

HOUSE: (with faux drama) Walks look good on camera. They give the illusion of the story moving forward.

[The candidates follow, watching the camera. Kutner waves as he walks past.]

INT. - HALLWAY - DOC - B & W - House leads them down a narrow hallway.

HOUSE: New patient.

INT. - HALLWAY

HOUSE: Sixteen-year-old boy with second-degree...

DOC - B & W

HOUSE: ...infranodal heart block, post-arrest.

HALLWAY

THIRTEEN: Any reports of light-headedness or syncope?

DOC - B & W

HOUSE: Certainly not light-headedness.

[Volakis pulls ahead, turns to House.]

VOLAKIS: Why did you hire her?

HOUSE: Not in front of the company.

KUTNER: Are we going to be on TV?

HOUSE: I'm making a music video. Come on, move faster, more energy.

TAUB: (suspicious) Why are you glad Foreman's not here?

HOUSE: Because... he would object to what I'm about to do.

[House gives a little mewl of faux disappointment, indicates the sign by the door. The camera follows - 'Restricted Access, No Metal Allowed, Strong Magnetic Field'. He mouths 'Sorry' as he closes the door.]

INT. - MRI CHAMBER - The candidates stand awkwardly around the MRI machine, the loud thrum of the MRI overshadowing all.

HOUSE: (to the tech) Hey buddy! [The patient raises his head curiously.] You stay in there. (points at the patient)We'll be out here making sure he doesn't move again. (to the universe) Gah! FINALLY hear myself think. Our patient has...

VOLAKIS: Why did you hire her?

[Terzi glares at Volakis.]

HOUSE: Because she has way more diagnostic experience than the other swimsuit models I was considering. (references the file) Our patient has a frontonasal encephalocele with a midline cleft. (raises a picture) Ew. Don't stare directly at it. (hands it to Thirteen) So, what caused Big Head's heart to stop?

TAUB: Simple. His big head. Increased intracranial pressure would cause heart block.

HOUSE: Wrong. Sixteen years they've been testing that insane noggin to death.

[Cole hands the pic to Taub.]

TERZI: (acquiring the pic) What about a congenital heart defect? He has a midline anomaly on his head, makes sense he'd have a midline anomaly in his heart too.

HOUSE: That sixteen years of testing didn't show?

VOLAKIS: Why did you bring her in so late? It's not fair. The rest of us...

HOUSE: Hey hey! You want fair, you picked the wrong job. The wrong profession. (pauses to think) The wrong species. Forget the deformity. Treat the patient like he's any other really, really ugly kid.

COLE: Infection. Could be endocarditis.

THIRTEEN: Well, since he doesn't have a prosthetic heart valve, I assume you're thinking he's an IV drug user?

COLE: House said assume he's normal. Dealers don't ask for ID and don't care what you look like.

HOUSE: Nice. You're right about the habit, you're wrong about the substance. (indicates the pic) Blackened skin under the nose equals frostbite from huffing Freon. Freon's toxic, damages the heart.

TAUB: Discoloration could be acanthosis nigricans. It's a common side effect of these deformities.

THIRTEEN: There's also discoloration on the cheeks and forehead.

HOUSE: Do a nuclear study. If I'm right, you'll see scarring of the heart.

[The candidates scatter. Terzi stays behind, walks over to House.]

TERZI: I'm not part of some game, am I? I gave up a career because I thought this was a firm offer.

HOUSE: Yes. This is a real offer.

[Terzi nods, walks away. House stares after her.]

INT. - WILSON'S OFFICE - House leans against Wilson's door, stricken.

HOUSE: I think she might be an idiot.

WILSON: (working on the ever-present paperwork) Who?

HOUSE: But she can't be an idiot. She's in the CIA, for God's sake.

WILSON: The Bay of Pigs was a daring triumph.

[House paces to the far side of Wilson's desk.]

HOUSE: She had good ideas in Langley.

WILSON: All your ideas.

HOUSE: She was able to identify that they were good ideas.

[House paces back to the door.]

WILSON: s*ab in the dark here. Is she pretty?

HOUSE: She's new. She's nervous.

WILSON: She's a 'C' cup.

[House reaches the door again.]

HOUSE: She said one dumb thing in the differential.

[House turns, puts his back against the door.]

HOUSE: They ALL say dumb things in differentials.

WILSON: A 'D' cup? (b*at) If she's no good, just f*re her.

HOUSE: I can't! I just hired her. She left a career.

WILSON: (double-takes) Wow!

[House glares at Wilson.]

WILSON: Either that's actual guilt, or I've GOT to see this woman.

[House continues the death-glare before turning away, staring off into the distance.]

INT. - OUTSIDE POTW'S ROOM - DOC - B & W - Joe, Taub confer.

JOE: My son is not 'huffing Freon'.

TAUB: Mr. Arnold, Dr. House is like a savant when it comes (glances quickly at the camera) to diagnostics.

JOE: What's his genius theory? Because Kenny's not normal, (gestures at his son) he's doing drugs to deal with his pain?

TAUB: Maybe a way to look at this is that you ARE normal. (nods)

JOE: And what's that supposed to mean?

TAUB: You're like any other parent... who thinks HIS kid can't be doing drugs.

[The camera blurs, refocuses on Kenny, resting.]

INT. - NUCLEAR STUDIES LAB - DOC - B & W - Kenny is sitting up.

KENNY: Doing this because my dad thinks I'm on drugs?

INT. - NUCLEAR STUDIES LAB - Kenny sits on a diagnostic table. Kutner prepares to administer the test.

KUTNER: I was doing drugs behind my parent's back at your age, and I had a lot less reason to be.

[Kutner realizes the stupidity of his comment, tries to make amends.]

KUTNER: Not that your life must be miserable.

DOC - B & W - Kutner turns, looks directly at the camera, still trying to fix his boneheaded comment.

KUTNER: Not that I am suggesting you should be doing drugs.

NUCLEAR STUDIES LAB

KUTNER:(desperately changing the subject) How's school going?

KENNY: I'm homeschooled.

KUTNER: Really? You're lucky. Going to school was boring.

KENNY: My dad took me out and it wasn't because it was 'boring'.

KUTNER: I had a rough time in school too. Maybe not like you (makes a hand gesture like Kenny's deformity) but, uh, well... I don't mean to compare our situations. (thinks a moment) Actually, I guess I am comparing our situations, but only to show you how yours is worse.

DOC - B & W - Kutner turns to the cameraman.

KUTNER: You can edit that out, right? So I don't look like an idiot?

NUCLEAR STUDIES LAB

KENNY: Relax. Everyone acts like an idiot around me. Makes ya think it's not an act. Can I have something for my headache?

KUTNER: Yeah. Is that new?

KENNY: Sixteen years old. It has the same birthday I do.

[Kutner stares, astonished.]

KUTNER: (quietly) I'm gonna start the test now.

INT. - OR - House, et al. lurk in a random OR.

KUTNER: Studies showed no signs of scarring in Kenny's heart.

TAUB: It wasn't drugs.

[House, Kutner, Taub stand in a half-circle. House peruses the film.]

HOUSE: Well, then give me something better. What's causing heart block?

TAUB: Could be toxoplasmosis. We should do an LP to test for infection.

HOUSE: If it was toxoplasmosis, we'd've seen enlarged lymphs. And because you're not pretty enough to be an idiot, you must know that already. Which means you just said it because you want to do an LP for intracranial pressure.

[Kutner watches, smirking as House, Taub spar.]

TAUB: Because it IS intracranial pressure.

HOUSE: Wait. I'm not done. You thought I wouldn't catch on, which means either you think I'M an idiot, which is flattering, doing my hair differently, or ...

KUTNER: The kid's got headaches. He's been popping acetaminophen like peanuts...

HOUSE: (to Kutner) How could you POSSIBLY think that I was done? I prefaced that with an 'either'. It needs an 'or'. (to Taub) Or you ARE an idiot. Which is possible. I'm not great at judging men's looks.

[House seems embarrassed at the admission. Taub gawps at Kutner, obviously unsure how to take that.]

INT. - CUDDY’S OFFICE - DOC - B & W - Cuddy sits at her desk, looking earnest for the camera.

CUDDY: The OR?

DARNELL: And the MRI room.

CUDDY: Yes. (long b*at) Dr. House frequently conducts differential diagnosis in a variety of places. (shoveling fast, furious) He feels that a... change in venue often leads to a change in thinking processes.

[She nods - 'That's my story - I'm sticking to it'.]

CUDDY: I have to go take care of something else.

[She pops up brightly, charges out of her office. Her expression changes to one of fury as soon as she’s beyond the camera's range.]

INT. - OR - The argument continues.

TAUB: Just let me do a CT scan, see if I'm right. The sooner we fix the problem, the sooner we can get to his reconstructive surgery.

HOUSE: Who cares if you're d*ad? It's how you look. Well, since you've given me nothing better, we're back to drugs.

TAUB: The one thing we're know it's not.

[House hands the film to Taub.]

HOUSE: Decreased uptake on the membranous septum.

KUTNER: Could be an artifact. We can redo it.

HOUSE: But nothing's nothing. Do an EP study.

TAUB: EP study means we have to stop this kid's heart.

[House looks grim. He and Taub exchange looks. They both look at Kutner, who beams.

KUTNER: I'll set it up.

[He dashes off. Then, a voice from above.]

CUDDY: House!

[House turns, sees Cuddy up on the observation deck.]

CUDDY: You have a minute? .To redo some valves?

[House looks guilty, walks off. Taub smiles.]

INT. - CARDIO LAB - DOCUMENTARY BLACK & WHITE - Taub is prepping for the test.

TAUB: I'm gonna thread this catheter through different areas in your heart. And once I've found the right pathway, I'll apply some electrical energy.

INT. - CARDIO LAB

KENNY: Will it stop my heart?

TAUB: Sounds worse than it is. You'll be fine.

KENNY: It gonna hurt?

TAUB: There'll be some discomfort. (b*at) If you've done drugs, I understand. Being different's really hard.

[Taub glances at the camera as it moves in closer.]

DOCUMENTARY BLACK & WHITE - Taub raises his eyebrows - 'do you mind?'.

CARDIO LAB - Darnell touches the cameraman's arm. The camera backs off.

TAUB: Kenny. Uhm, it's more important for you to get better than to worry about getting in trouble.

KENNY: If I did drugs, that could explain my heart problem?

TAUB: It could.

KENNY: Then you could do the surgery to fix my face?

DOC - B & W

TAUB: That's why we're here.

KENNY: You know how famous people, everywhere they go, people are watching them, staring? They never have a chance to just be. (pause) Ya know? And a lot of them turn to drugs. People stare at them because they're beautiful. But me, they just stare at....

CARDIO LAB - Kenny begins to cough.

TAUB: You okay? (the coughing eases) I need to know what kind of drugs, Kenny... and how much.

KENNY: Uhm, coke, mostly. Lotta coke. And then uh, when I run out, I used to go to LSD. Or acid.

TAUB: Those are the same thing.

KENNY: They are?

TAUB: You don't do drugs, do you?

KENNY: I drank from my dad's liquor cabinet...

TAUB: We're not going to do this test.

[The coughing gets worse.]

KENNY: No....

TAUB: I need you to turn on your side.

[Kenny begins to spit up blood.]

TAUB: We need to intubate. (louder) I need some help in here!

DOC - B & W - The camera catches a glimpse of Kenny, coughing his life's-blood onto the floor.

FIRST ADS

INT. - CUDDY’S OFFICE

House is pacing. Cuddy sits in a chair just outside the door, reading a magazine, looking nervously into her office. The rest of the g*ng is standing, sitting, or leaning as they find space.

HOUSE: Too bad you guys are going for a theatrical release. Vomiting blood would have made a great act-out. Likely causes?

KUTNER: Mallory Weiss tear.

HOUSE: No pallor. No melena. (scornfully) Why are you wearing a tie?

INT. - CUDDY’S OFFICE - DOC - B & W

KUTNER: (earnestly into the camera) I always wear ties. I'm a doctor.

DARNELL: Please don't look at the camera.

KUTNER: Sorry.

[Volakis looks up from her vantage point on the table by the sofa.]

VOLAKIS: (earnestly) Nasal papilloma. Hemorrhage could have overwhelmed the heart.

HOUSE: Nice lipstick.

VOLAKIS: Thank you.

[The camera is deliberately blocked by House's suit jacket.]

HOUSE: Bad idea.

CUDDY’S OFFICE

HOUSE: The hemorrhage came after the block.

[The cameraman moves. House moves with him. Foreman speaks up from where he's leaning against the bookcase.]

FOREMAN: House. Let them do their job.

HOUSE: Anybody here more interested in the medicine and a little less interested in the paparazzi?

[House cocks his thumb at the camera crew, thoroughly annoyed.]

TERZI: Upper GI bleed. Could be something he ate or drank. Maybe a peptic ulcer.

HOUSE: Good.

FOREMAN: Except no abdominal pain, the patient hasn't lost his appetite, and the last I checked the gastrointestinal tract isn't connected to the heart.

HOUSE: Yeah. But other than that. Real good.

THIRTEEN: Nasopharyngeal angiofibrosis.

HOUSE: I just said it wasn't a nasal tumor.

COLE: Stomach cancer. Tumor causes bleeding, body's reaction to the tumor causes paraneoplastic syndrome which leads to heart block.

[House walks over to the far corner where Cole is standing.]

HOUSE: Finally! Someone who is NOT just a pretty face. You and Taub, run the 'scope, find the tumor.

[Taub stands.]

TAUB: Ah... could be dangerous. If the bleeding was caused by liver failure as a result of the intracranial pressure....

HOUSE: Liver is the one organ you can't ascribe to intracranial pressure.

[The camera, everyone’s eyes swing to Taub.]

DOC - B & W - Taub does a 'deer-in-the-headlights'.

TAUB: True. [Taub walks off.]

INT. - MEN'S ROOM - Taub, Cole are at the urinals.

TAUB: (muttering) Intracranial pressure CAN cause liver problems. It causes an increase in the cavernous sinus pressure, which causes pressure in the superior vena cava, which shuts down the liver.

COLE: Did you just think of that?

TAUB: No.

COLE: Then why didn't you say anything...?

TAUB: Think he'd change his mind? Not a chance.

[Taub finishes, goes over to the sink.]

TAUB: House would have undercut me, forced me to do a procedure I'd just argued against...

[Taub turns to Cole as he joins him.]

TAUB: ...and then I'd look like a hypocrite in front of the thousands of people and potential future employers watching this film.

COLE: If you're right and you stick a 'scope back down a kid with liver failure, he could bleed again.

TAUB: I know.

INT. - POTW'S ROOM - DOCUMENTARY BLACK & WHITE - Taub explains the procedure to Joe.

JOE: He just vomited blood. Isn't that dangerous?

[Taubs thinks, glances at the camera, comes to a decision.]

TAUB: (oozing sincerity) Nope. You're in good hands.

[Joe still unsure, throws up his hands.]

JOE: All right.

[The camera swings to Kenny, being examined by Cole. Kenny looks concerned as he watches his father.]

EXT. - PPTH - DAY - The backside of PPTH bakes gently in the sun.

WILSON: (VOICEOVER) Well, it's great how he rebounded...

INT. - WILSON'S OFFICE - DOC - B & W - Wilson is at his desk, radiating serious.

WILSON: ... from that setback.

DARNELL: What setback?

WILSON: He didn't tell you about the... well, it's his right. The records WERE sealed. Personally, I think he WAS just tapping his foot and reaching for the toilet paper. Obviously, it was a witch hunt.

DARNELL: You think they singled him out because...

WILSON: No. Literally a witch hunt. Dr. House is a practicing Wiccan. It's a beautiful religion. It's very caring.

[Wilson startles at the bang of the door.]

HOUSE: Hey, hey, hey hey! [House puts his face into the sh*t. Very annoyed.] You have an all-access pass to the case, not my Fave Five. So go.

INT. - WILSON'S OFFICE - House shoos Darnell et al. out.

HOUSE: Come on, come on - let's go!

[House watches them leave, stalks over to steal Wilson's chair.]

HOUSE: I think I'm going blind.

WILSON: Hairy palms, too?

[Wilson moves from atop his desk to one of the chairs against the wall.]

HOUSE: She said something idiotic again and I didn't even notice it. It took Foreman to point out that it was idiotic. She's making ME an idiot.

WILSON: That's cute. You have a crush.

HOUSE: No, I think it's something systemic.

WILSON: Thirteen's pretty. You're obviously okay with her.

HOUSE: She k*lled a PATIENT.

WILSON: The bitch is pretty.

HOUSE: The bitch is a bitch.

WILSON: Ask her out.

HOUSE: The bitch? She's a BITCH.

WILSON: No. The one that's making you an idiot. The story of life. Boy meets girl, boy gets stupid, boy and girl live stupidly ever after.

[House's pager goes off.]

WILSON: Pretty girl k*ll again?

HOUSE: Nope, Elephant Boy just vomiting up blood again.

[House rises, heads out. Wilson stares after him.]

INT. - AUDITORIUM - Candidates, film crew, Foreman - all eyes are on the door as House walks in. House glares suspiciously at the candidates as Cole begins his report.

COLE: No tumors in the patient's stomach. So...

TAUB: (interrupting) The laparoscope caused variceal bleeding. Took twenty minutes of banding to stop it.

COLE: Taub was right about the liver failure.

HOUSE: Yeah.

[House transfers his glare to the film crew.]

TAUB: His cranio-facial deformity is causing intracranial pressure which is cau...

HOUSE: Nope. Where are the nosebleeds? Where's the labored bleeding? You were right about me being wrong. You're wrong about you being right. (to the room) I need new ideas. Anybody.

[House looks around.]

INT. - AUDITORIUM - DOC - B & W - Thirteen stares at the camera, trapped, then guiltily at House. Volakis glances at House, then down, away.

AUDITORIUM - Silence reigns as Foreman, House look on.

DOC - B & W - The other candidates are equally unwilling to risk appearing the fool on film.

AUDITORIUM - House grows more and more impatient. Finally, he whirls on the film crew, causing the mic operator to jump back.

HOUSE: Does it bother you...

DOC - B & W

HOUSE: ...that this kid's gonna die because you won't put down that camera?

AUDITORIUM

HOUSE: At all? You know?

DARNELL: You people should be extra motivated. I'm sure they all want to look good in the film.

DOC - B & W

HOUSE: (sarcastically patient) No. Now they're too worried about looking BAD.

AUDITORIUM

TERZI: Dr. House.

[House turns.]

TERZI: Heart block plus liver failure could mean auto-immune. Maybe scleroderma.

HOUSE: (out of the corner of his mouth) Foreman? Does that make sense?

FOREMAN: Not without tight skin on the hands, muscle weakness, and a thirty-year-old patient.

THIRTEEN: Liver failure plus heart block could be a mitochondrial disorder.

[House raises his eyebrows, deciding if it makes sense, then calls to Kutner.]

HOUSE: Hey. Say what she just said.

KUTNER: (confused) Liver failure plus heart block could be a mitochondrial disorder?

[House considers, then raises his cane - 'go forth'.]

HOUSE: Go look for signs of retinal degeneration.

TAUB: No. It's ICP. You're only going to see swelling.

House indicates Taub with his cane.

HOUSE: Take him with you, so he can see the degeneration too.

Taub gets up obediently; Volakis, Taub leave.

INT. - ER - DOC - B & W - Cameron is dealing with a patient, middle-aged, male.

DARNELL: So, before you worked here in the ER, you worked for House, right?

CAMERON: Three-and-a-half years.

DARNELL: Why did you leave?

MALE PATIENT: Hey. I don't want to be on TV. I'm not signing a release.

DARNELL: We'll blur you out.

CAMERON: (to patient) Take off your pants.

MALE PATIENT: (to cameraman) Will you be able to use any of this if I start swearing?

INT. - ER - Darnell stands there looking earnest.

DARNELL: Did House treat you as badly as he treats his current fellows?

DOC - B & W

CAMERON: Loaded question.

MALE PATIENT: (bending over table) Faaark. (giggles) That's not even a word.

ER

MALE PATIENT: (still giggling) Fork!

DARNELL: (dryly) Very clever.

[Cameron, Darnell share a moment of exasperation.]

DOC - B & W

CAMERON: I learned how to be a doctor from House. Or at least a doctor who learned how to be a doctor from House, if that makes any sense.

ER

DARNELL: And you left his team because you couldn't stand him any more?

DOC - B & W - Cameron leans over, examining the patient.

CAMERON: No... no. I... I love Dr. House.

ER

DARNELL: Well that's something we haven't heard.

DOC - B & W - Cameron stares at the camera, realizing the implications too late.

CAMERON: I mean... (the blue screen of death descends) what did you ask me again?

DARNELL: Why you left.

[Cameron tries, fails, to make it better.]

CAMERON: I loved... being around him. Professionally. You know... he was always... stimulating. Not... in an erotic sense of the word.

MALE PATIENT: (grinning knowingly) Fork! They forked. And then they spooned.

INT. - LAB - DOCUMENTARY BLACK & WHITE - Volakis' face fills the screen.

VOLAKIS: Lean forward and place your chin on the rest.

[Kenny tries, fails.]

KENNY: I can't reach it.

INT. - OPTICAL TESTING ROOM - Volakis, unsure, glances over at Taub.

VOLAKIS: Uh, scootch in a little.

[Taub turns confidently to Joe.]

TAUB: I'll take care of it.

[He begins to walk over to Kenny.]

JOE: (quietly sarcastic) Just like last time?

Taub stops, turns back, glares at Joe before continuing over to Kenny.

TAUB: Maybe we should try this the old-fashioned way (waves a ophthalmoscope back and forth), hmmm?

[Taub shooes Volakis, who moves the equipment table out of the way, then stands behind Taub, hands on hips, very put out.]

TAUB: 'k.... Look up at the ceiling. And try not to blink, okay?

DOC - B & W - Taub examines one eye, then the other.

TAUB: Ok, good. Now straight ahead.

OPTICAL TESTING - Taub continues the exam as Volakis glares.

DOC - B & W - He straightens triumphantly.

TAUB: There it is. Swelling. No degeneration.

[He smiles at Kenny then glances at Volakis, who nods her agreement.]

TAUB: (VOICEOVER) It's not mitochondrial. Swelling proves...

INT. - HALLWAY - The g*ng proceeds down the hallway, crew tagging along behind like a set of meta-ducklings.

TAUB: ... there's increased pressure in his brain.

[The g*ng round the corner.]

HOUSE: Absolutely.

TAUB: So now we can reschedule the reconstruction.

HOUSE: Absolutely not.

TAUB: Your test proved you wrong. We found exactly what I predicted we'd find.

HOUSE: Swelling means there's increased pressure. You get a gold Star of David for proving that...

[They round another corner.]

HOUSE: ...yes, this kid has a big head and big heads cause pressure. Doesn't explain the liver.

TAUB: Too much acetaminophen does.

HOUSE: JRA explains all of it, including the liver. One theory's better than two.

[Taub throws up a hand in frustration, covering the gesture by running his hand through his hair.]

HOUSE: Treat with steroids.

TAUB: IF you're wrong...

[Taub stops, forcing House to stop and face him. The camera halts, swings around to better record the confrontation.]

TAUB: ...steroids are going to mess with his immune system...

DOC - B & W

TAUB: ...put off his surgery for months.

HOUSE: You really want to lose this argument in front of the camera?

[Taub glances furtively at the camera, considers, caves.]

TAUB: I'll speak to the father.

[Taub walks off. House shrugs to the camera before walking off in the opposite direction.]

INT. - POTW'S ROOM - Taub, Joe confer at the foot of Kenny's bed. The crew arrange themselves around the bed.

TAUB: Dr. House believes that Kenny has JRA - Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. And we need to start administering steroids.

DOC - B & W

JOE: Will the steroids fix it?

[Taub looks at the camera, considers, decides.]

TAUB: I don't think he has JRA.

POTW'S ROOM

TAUB: I think Dr. House is wrong, and that the steroid treatment could be dangerous.(pause) I think I can get House thrown off the case, and get Kenny the facial surgery he needs.

SECOND ADS

INT. - CUDDY’S OFFICE

Cuddy at her desk - Taub stands facing her. House stares out her door.

CUDDY: The father refused steroids until we're sure about the diagnosis.

HOUSE: I AM sure. (turns) It's JRA.

[House stalks back to Taub, leans over to get into Taub's face.]

HOUSE: And why would he even doubt that, unless a FORMER fellow of mine was chirping in his ear.

[He paces back doorwards.]

TAUB: The decision was his. I merely voiced my concern.

[As he passes Taub, House fires a question at him.]

HOUSE: Why did you take this job?

[House reaches the door again, turns, continues to interrogate Taub.]

TAUB: He's got a bulging cyst...

[Cuddy stares dispassionately.]

HOUSE: You had a perfectly good plastic surgery practice... lots of money.

TAUB: ...fluids aren't draining properly...

[House paces back to Taub. Cuddy raises her eyebrows at the antics.]

HOUSE: The temptation to come screw with me just too much for you? There's got to be a better reason.

TAUB: He needs surgery.

[House leans over again, even heavier on the sarcasm.]

HOUSE: Oh, and I think I mentioned this earlier - you're fired.

[Taub cocks his head questioningly. Cuddy glares at him.]

CUDDY: (to Taub) What you did was over the line. (indicates the door) Get out.

[House makes a lunge for the door, holds it open for Taub. Taub looks back at him.]

CUDDY: But don't go anywhere. You're not fired. (b*at) YET.

[Taub looks to Cuddy, then House, then leaves. House shakes his head, cocking a thumb in Taub's direction, starts to say something. Cuddy cuts him off.]

CUDDY: No-one is f*ring anyone in the middle of this case. Not while those cameras are here, and not while Taub is the ONLY person that his father trusts.

[House considers, nods, turns to leave. He gets as far as the door before Cuddy calls after him.]

CUDDY: Where are you going?

HOUSE: To do what I always do in these situations.

[House throws open the door, starts to walk through it.]

HOUSE: Treat my patient behind his back.

[Cuddy looks at House with mixed patience, exasperation.]

CUDDY: That's one option.(b*at) Or you can do a CT scan of the kid's head. If there's no mid-line shift, we know Taub's wrong and you get your consent to give the kid steroids.

[House considers in silence, as he holds the door open.]

HOUSE: Just a warning. If we have to start getting consent every time we do a procedure, soon they'll be asking for INFORMED consent.

[With that dire prediction, House throws the door open further, turns, leaves.]

INT. - CT LAB - Kenny is being sent into the CT scanner. Taub is at the computer, Foreman standing next to him.

FOREMAN: Didn't think you had the guts to stage a coup.

TAUB: Coup failed. I'm scheduled for execution at dawn.

FOREMAN: No, you're not.

TAUB: No reprieve from the governor.

FOREMAN: You're a test result away from becoming House's front-runner. He doesn't care about what you said or what you did five minutes ago. He just wants the next good idea. (b*at) Show me twenty percent magnification of the forebrain.

TAUB: I look at our patient, as soon as I saw his face, I saw a regular kid.

[Foreman stares at him.]

TAUB: One thing about being a plastic surgeon - you don't see what is, you see what could be.

FOREMAN: Talk like THAT around House, doesn't matter how many good ideas you come up with.

[Taub glances to Foreman, quirking his lips.]

INT. - TAUB'S OLD PRACTICE OFFICE - House sits in a leather chair inside a elegantly appointed office, clicking his finger between his teeth as he waits.

EX-PARTNER: So.

[House sits across a desk from a middle-aged man in long sleeves, tie.]

EX-PARTNER: Tell me what you don't like about yourself.

HOUSE: Uh... gosh. Uh... there's so many things.

[Taub's ex-partner listens attentively.]

HOUSE: Ah... is Dr. Taub available? Because he was very highly recommended....

EX-PARTNER: Well, he's no longer practicing with us, but I've taken over all his files, so if you tell me what needs work...

HOUSE: Do you know why he left?

EX-PARTNER: Well, he had... personal issues to deal with so if we could just....

HOUSE: Oh, my Goodness! Is he okay?

EX-PARTNER: Oh, yeah. He's fine.

HOUSE: 'cause... because my friend had his ears done by Dr. Taub. Should he worry that they may... pop back?

EX-PARTNER: (smiles gently) No. It wasn't a professional issue. I'm sorry, I really can't go into more detail. Shall we discuss YOUR needs?

[He opens a file.]

HOUSE: You know that toe... next to the big toe? Mine's bigger than my big toe. Is there any way to shorten it? Or make my big toe bigger? Like a toe-gmentation? (inquiring) Did he lie, cheat, or steal?

EX-PARTNER (realizing what House is up to): You're not here for a consultation, are you?

HOUSE: What gave me away? Was it my obviously perfect feet?

[House rises, picks up his cane, leaves.]

INT. - HOUSE'S OFFICE - The camera crew, Darnell, candidates are in various states of repose. Taub is perusing the CT scans as House enters, takes off his jacket, throws it in the direction of the chair. Darnell ducks.

HOUSE: Hi!

[The cameraman starts to pick up his camera, now that the main attraction has returned.]

TAUB: CT shows...

[Taub starts to offer the CT film to House, who snatches it abruptly from his hand.]

HOUSE: Let's go!

INT. - NURSE'S STATION - DOC B & W - Cuddy reviews a file as the crowd suddenly descends. Recovering her aplomb, she turns to House.

CUDDY: What are you two doing here?

HOUSE: Skipping three scenes. CT's back. (indicates Taub) He's gonna say that there's evidence of an anomaly, I'm gonna say he's wrong, he's gonna go back to the father, and we'll all end up here.

[Taub snatches the film back from House.]

POTW'S ROOM - Taub shows the film to Cuddy; House lurks off to the side.

TAUB: Defect is pushing on the right frontal lobe. This bend is a sign of herniation.

HOUSE: Or it's a sign of increased pressure from JRA.

[Cuddy takes the film from House, holds it up to the light, goes in search of a lightbox.]

DOC - B & W - Taub starts to follow. House calls out.

HOUSE: Dr. Taub would rather distract you from the truth...

INT. - NURSE'S STATION

HOUSE: ... with sparkly things like four-carat diamonds.

[Taub stops, turns to House.]

TAUB: (half-pleading, half- warning) House.

HOUSE: Your partner said...

DOC - B & W - House, Taub square off to the side.

HOUSE: ...that you left for personal reasons. But your wife said you lost a patient.

TAUB: You son-of-a-bitch. You spoke to my wife?

HOUSE: See, that confused me.

[Taub starts to walk away. A furtive glance camera-ward sends him bolting for the safety of another treatment room. House follows.]

HOUSE: Why would you give her a diamond if you screwed somebody else over? If you screwed HER over, I mean that could... I....

Taub disappears inside the other room.

INT. - PATIENT'S ROOM - House follows. A doctor and his assistant perform some kind of gynecological exam on a middle-aged woman. He looks up at their entrance.

DOCTOR: Get that camera out of here!

[Taub whirls, shoves the cameraman back out the door, slams it shut, turns back to face House, who gives a guarded glance in the direction of the patient before turning back to Taub. By unspoken accord, they move their conversation closer to the wall.]

TAUB: You say anything to her?

HOUSE: Just asked questions.

[The woman raises her head in complaint.]

FEMALE PATIENT: Get them out of here too!

[Taub turns to the woman.]

TAUB: (snaps) We're doctors.

[Taub gives the woman a brief exaggerated smile, before turning back to House.]

TAUB: I screwed around with a nurse. It became a deal. My partners found out... and I resigned. (quietly bitter) There. Happy?

HOUSE: If you could be a bit more descriptive, I'd be happier.

TAUB: Some people pop pain pills. I cheat. We all have our vices.

[Taub strides past House out to the waiting camera.]

INT. - POTW'S ROOM - DOC B & W - Taub turns right, instead of back to Kenny. Cuddy calls after him.

CUDDY: Taub. I don't see it. Stay away from the family. (to House) House, start steroids and stay away from his family.

[Cuddy walks away. Taub, House stare after her, neither one completely satisfied. Taub glares at House, walks off. House looks at the camera, but says nothing.]

INT. - POTW'S ROOM - Joe sits next to Kenny's bed, looks up as the door opens. House walks in, notices the camera crew, glares at them.

DOC - B & W - House walks over to Kenny's bedside.

HOUSE: Wow! You are ugly.

[House looks at the camera as if searching for validation... or a reaction.]

KENNY: Wow. You're an ass. I have a deformity.

HOUSE: I know. That's why you're ugly.

House picks up Kenny's chart from the foot of the bed.

HOUSE: But you're a lucky boy. Anywhere else in the animal kingdom, your parents would have eaten you at birth.

[Joe glares at House.]

HOUSE: Your son needs steroids.

[He puts the file back.]

HOUSE: Dr. Cuddy agrees.

JOE: Does Dr. Taub?

HOUSE: He's not a real doctor. He's a plastic surgeon. All he cares is that your son looks good in his COFFIN.

JOE: So, I'm supposed to believe you. A doctor who cares.

HOUSE: You shouldn't care if I care.

JOE: I don't trust you.

HOUSE: Because... I don't think the surgery's important. You're putting your trust in someone who DOES think the surgery's important. You're willing to take chances, to risk your son's life for something he doesn't need?

KENNY: I DO need it!

[House backs up slightly from the force of Kenny's words.]

DOC - B & W

KENNY: (to House) I can't have real relationships, I can't even have a real conversation. Not even with my Dad.

[Joe looks at his son, shocked.]

KENNY: Dad, I know you love me. But you don't treat me normal. You're always protective. The world can always go to hell. But you never yell at me, even when I screw up.

[Kenny looks up at House.]

KENNY: I want to be normal.

[House bows his head ever so slightly in acknowledgement.]

HOUSE (quietly): Take your steroids. And you get to live.(shrugs) And you can do your surgery. And it'll only change your face. It won't change who your face made you.

[House turns, walks away. Joe looks uncomfortable, as if undecided whether to be angry or sympathetic.]

INT. - HALLWAY - Wilson, House are outside a storage room - Wilson leaning against the door, trying (and failing) to look innocent - House jangling keys, trying to find the right one for the lock.

WILSON: We're gonna get caught.

HOUSE: But not on film. All their camera equipment's in here.

[Wilson gestures - 'you've got a point'.]

WILSON: Where'd you get those keys?

HOUSE: Blue the janitor.

[Wilson struggles to parse that.]

WILSON: What?

HOUSE: That's his name.

WILSON: His name's LOU.

[House finally finds the right key.]

HOUSE: Owe him an apology.

[House opens the door, agitated.]

HOUSE: Just watch twenty minutes of this stuff, tell me if I'm out of my mind.

[House picks up his cane, passes Wilson, being careful not to touch him, goes inside.]

WILSON: (dryly) Finally. We have video evidence.

[Wilson follows as House looks back to make sure they weren't seen, closes the door.]

INT. - STORAGE ROOM - House, Wilson sit at a table laden with editing equipment, watching footage.

TERZI: (ONSCREEN) Dr. House. Heart block plus liver failure could mean autoimmune. Maybe scleroderma.

HOUSE: (ONSCREEN) Foreman, does that make sense?

FOREMAN: (ONSCREEN) Not without tight skin on the hands, muscle weakness, and a thirty-year-old patient.

[House hits the 'Stop' button.]

WILSON: Can I see that again?

HOUSE: What did you miss? She screwed up, I didn't...

WILSON: No, just the part where she leans forward. I think you can see through her dress.

[House gives Wilson an exasperated look, but winds the film back, hits 'Play'.]

TERZI: (ONSCREEN) Upper GI bleed. Could be from something he ate or drank. Maybe a peptic ulcer.

HOUSE: (ONSCREEN) Good.

[House winces, puts his head on his hand.]

WILSON: You... thought... that was a good idea?

HOUSE: What am I going to do?

WILSON: (laughs) Just... enjoy.

HOUSE: I'm gonna to keep her around because she makes me an idiot?

WILSON: Well, you're protected. Foreman seems immune.

HOUSE: You think he's gay?

WILSON: Did he become an idiot around Chase?

[House considers the point.]

HOUSE: (ONSCREEN) I just said it's not a nasal tumor...

WILSON: Wait a minute. Rewind that. Was that Thirteen? (grins, chuckles) Wow!

[Wilson gets up, heads for the door.]

HOUSE: I can't believe I'm that guy.

WILSON: EVERY guy is that guy.

HOUSE: I'm not every guy.

WILSON: What is this - semantics here? Okay... ALL guys are that guy.

HOUSE: I'm not all guys.

HOUSE: Cameron was smart.

WILSON: You know, I'm beginning to doubt that.

[Wilson walks out. House hits 'Play', considers.]

INT. - LOCKER ROOM

CAMERON: I wanted to clarify something I said earlier. I love Dr. House. And then I qualified it. Which, after thinking about it, I didn't really need to do. I did love being around him. I guess... I just wanted to qualify what I qualified before. (b*at) I'm looking defensive, aren't I?

[Cameron has actually been looking into a mirror as she practices her speech. Chase sits on a bench on the other side of the room.]

CHASE: No, no. I think that's great. It clears everything up.

[Cameron turns, gives Chase a look of equal parts exasperation and terror, turns back to the mirror.]

CAMERON: It's no big deal, really.

INT. - LIGHT BOX ROOM - House walks over to the light table. Taub is looking at the films again.

TAUB: There's a masked lesion in the left anterior temporal lobe surrounded by edema.

HOUSE: Did you just insult me in Pig Latin?

[Taub looks up.]

TAUB: Dr. House. Please. Will you just take a look at this?

[He walks over to one of the lightboxes, hangs the film up.]

TAUB: The defect is causing this nodular shadow here. You see?

HOUSE: You're right. I didn't see that before. [House looks down at Taub.] Come on. Let's go!

[He heads off. Taub grabs the film, follows.]

INT. - POTW'S ROOM - House slides open the door, sticks his head in.

HOUSE: Hey.

[Joe gets up as House enters.]

HOUSE: I know you think you're feeling better... on account of feeling better, but this trusted family doctor thinks that he's found a masked lesion, so if you could lie back down and struggle to breathe....

TAUB: Okay. You were right.

[Taub comes fully into the room.]

TAUB: I'm thrilled I'm wrong. This is great, Kenny. You're gonna get your surgery now.

[Kenny, Joe rejoice.]

KENNY: (to House) First person I'm comin' back to see... is you. 'Cause compared to me, you're gonna look like butt.

JOE: Hey.

KENNY: What? No comeback?

[Taub smirks. House is staring down intently.]

HOUSE: (to Taub) Look at that.

TAUB: What?

HOUSE: His little finger. It's twitching.

[Joe, Taub look down.]

TAUB: No... it's not.

HOUSE: Just give it a second.

[Kenny's little finger twitches.]

HOUSE: There.

[Kenny looks up at House inquiringly.]

TAUB: And?

HOUSE: He's not better.

[Taub starts to say something.]

JOE: What's wrong?

HOUSE: My diagnosis. I don't know what he has.

[House turns to Taub.]

HOUSE: Cancel the surgery.

[House walks away. Taub looks at Kenny, who looks at Joe. All are unsure.]

THIRD ADS

INT. - AUDITORIUM

The camera crew are in the back, filming. House is in the front, pacing. The candidates are in the middle, thinking.

HOUSE: New symptom. Involuntary muscle movement.

TERZI: (disbelieving) Twitching finger is a symptom?

HOUSE: The body doing something it's not supposed to do is the DEFINITION of a symptom.

TAUB: Kid's about to have a life-changing operation. He's nervous.

HOUSE: Or he's not.

[Foreman speaks up from his perch on the desk.]

FOREMAN: Or you were right. Kid got better when we put him on steroids. This is JRA. And it's under control now.

[House has taken up a perch on the table closer to the door.]

HOUSE: Or the steroids have just tempered his condition.

[House reaches into his jacket pocket for his pills.]

HOUSE: You get a haircut, and still got bad hair.

THIRTEEN: What about Lyme disease?

[Volakis looks over at her inquiringly. House pauses, bottle in his hands.]

THIRTEEN: It explains everything - the heart issues, the internal bleeding, even why he'd get better on steroids.

[House carefully spills some pills into his hand.]

HOUSE: On the other hand, if he has Lyme Disease, there would be other subtle clues, like a huge, target-shaped rash. But thanks for playing.

[House swallows the pills.]

TAUB: Why can't you just accept the fact you cured this kid?

[House freezes, focusing all his attention on Taub.]

TAUB: (accusing) You want to stop his surgery! You're not normal.

DOC - B & W

TAUB: So you don't want anybody else to be normal. You don't think normal's healthy.

AUDITORIUM - House stares at Taub, disbelieving.

DOC - B & W - Thirteen looks around, embarrassed. Kutner looks around as if hoping he won't be called on.

AUDITORIUM - As House searches the auditorium for someone with the courage to state an opinion, Volakis pipes up.

VOLAKIS: (timidly) Could be rheumatic fever. Also explains why the steroids helped - it's a similar inflammatory disease.

COLE: Rheumatic fever doesn't explain liver failure.

HOUSE: Taub thinks that acetaminophen does.

[Darnell leans forward in her chair, the better to observe.]

DOC - B & W

TAUB: Fine. Let's test your theory. Remove his pacing wire. If he's better, his heart'll b*at just fine on its own, and then he can have his operation.

[The camera goes from Taub to Thirteen, who is doing her best to duck, to House.]

HOUSE: If I'm right, his heart will stop. (b*at) Kutner, keep the paddles on stand-by.

[House gets up from the table.]

HOUSE: Another chance to blow someone up.

[House walks off.]

EXT. - PPTH - DAY - The backside of PPTH, from above.

TAUB: (VOICEOVER) There'll be some minor discomfort...

INT. - POTW'S ROOM - Taub is getting ready to pull the wire. Joe stands to the other side of the bed, looking concerned.

TAUB: ...and you'll feel a slow, steady pulling sensation.

[Kenny looks from Taub to Joe.]

JOE: Are you SURE his heart is ready for this?

[Before Taub can reply, House chimes in from where he is leaning against the counter in the back of the room.]

HOUSE: Absolutely.

DOC - B & W

HOUSE: He's convinced he's sure. Whereas, I care about your son, and have therefore brought a professional defibrillist.

[Kutner, paddles in hand, winks, raises one of them confidently.]

POTW'S ROOM - Joe, not favorably impressed, turns to Taub.

TAUB: (confidently) We're not going to need those.

[Taub glares at House. House stares back, unimpressed.]

KENNY: Dad. I feel fine. My finger hasn't moved in a while.

[Taub looks on, waiting. Joe fidgets, undecided.]

JOE: Okay. Take 'im off.

TAUB: Here we go.

House gets up, moves closer. Kutner stands ready, paddles still in hand.

DOC - B & W - Taub pulls the wire, slowly but surely.

POTW'S ROOM - Joe looks on nervously as Kenny winces a little. House moves still closer.

DOC - B & W - The monitor shows Kenny’s heart rate holding steady.

POTW'S ROOM - Kenny winces again, then the wire is out. Taub holds it up as House looks on. Joe looks at the monitor, at Taub.

TAUB: Heart rate's 85 beats per minute.

DOC - B & W - The monitor holds steady.

TAUB: BP 110 over 70.

JOE: Is he okay?

POTW'S ROOM

KENNY: I feel the same.

[Kutner puts up the clearly unneeded paddles.]

TAUB: (to House) He's fine.

[House considers.]

TAUB: (to Kenny) You're fine.

JOE: Thank God.

[Joe reaches down, hugs his son tightly.]

HOUSE: What you do mean, 'Thank God'?

[He turns, starts to walk towards the door.]

DOC - B & W

HOUSE: (over his shoulder) God's the guy who gave it to him.

[House walks out, sliding the door shut behind him.]

POTW'S ROOM - Taub smiles. Joe releases his son, looks up at Taub.

JOE: Thank you.

[He looks down at his son, then back up at Taub.]

JOE: Thank you.

DOC - B & W - Kenny is looking a bit dazed, but happy.

SERIES OF sh*ts

WALKING THE HALLWAY - DOC - B & W - Joe accompanies Kenny as he is pushed down the hallway towards the OR.

WALKING THE HALLWAY - The camera crew is filming as Kenny, his father go through the doors.

HOUSE THINKING - House bounces the BOUO against the whiteboard, thinking hard.

COMPUTER VIEW OF POTW'S FACE - Views of Kenny's face - a CGI mockup on the left, and pictures of him at various ages on the right.

BACK TO SCENE

INT. - OR CONTROL ROOM - Chase and the chief surgeon are standing in front of the computer screens.

DARNELL: Can you tell us about the procedure?

SURGEON: We have to use both an extra- and intra-cranial approach to get enough exposure to reduce the encephalocele cyst and do the bony reconstruction.

DOC - B & W - Darnell walks over to where Thirteen is lurking off to the side.

DARNELL: (to Thirteen) And how are you participating in the procedure?

OR CONTROL ROOM - Chase turns to Darnell, answers the question for her.

CHASE: She's not. (smiles)

DOC - B & W

THIRTEEN: They don't want me here because they think the kid's cured. I don't.

OR CONTROL ROOM

DARNELL: And what do you think the problem is?

DOC - B & W

THIRTEEN: Wish I knew. I just know that if Dr. House is right,(looks over her shoulder) something's gonna go wrong.

DARNELL: Dr. House doesn't think he's right.

THIRTEEN: Well, then I'll just waste a few hours watching the surgery.

CHASE: See, the danger is...

OR CONTROL ROOM

CHASE: ...we have to reconstruct all the way down to the cranial base...

[Chase indicates the computer picture.]

CHASE: ...and there are some big vessels down there. So what we'll do is work our way down to here...

[Thirteen goes on the alert.]

THIRTEEN: When were these pictures taken?

CHASE: Well, about three weeks ago. Why? What do you see?

[The computer screen again with more recent pictures on it.]

THIRTEEN: Well, the acanthosis nigricans was already there.

CHASE: (condescendingly) It's... been there a lot longer than that. (to the camera) Probably his whole life.

THIRTEEN: What about around his hairline?

OR CONTROL ROOM

CHASE: What? There's no discoloration.

DOC - B & W

THIRTEEN: There is now.

[Chase looks at the camera, then back down, considering.]

INT. - HOUSE'S OFFICE - House sits in the Eames chair, fiddling meditatively with the BOUO.

[Wilson opens the door without knocking, comes in. House puts the BOUO up against his forehead.]

HOUSE: I have a new theory. Her bad ideas don't indicate a lack of intelligence, they indicate an open mind, the willingness not to be trapped by conventional....

[Wilson holds up a hand. When House stops, Wilson indicates him.]

WILSON: You've got a problem.

HOUSE: Tell me something I don't know.

WILSON: You hire beautiful girls, enslave them...

[House rolls his eyes, steeling himself against the lecture.]

WILSON: ...force them to be around you because you don't know how to have an actual relationship. If they're qualified, keep them. If they're not, f*re them... and ask them out.

[Wilson spreads his hands in a 'that's all' gesture.]

HOUSE: You DO realize that 'tell me something I don't know' is just an expression.

WILSON: Thirteen...

HOUSE: You think that just because she's as beautiful ... ergo...

[Wilson shakes his head.]

HOUSE: ...you think that because she hasn't had a decent idea....

WILSON: No, my point is, she's about to enter your office, so you should shut up!

[House instantly goes on the alert as Thirteen bursts excitedly into the room. By the time she comes to a stop in front of him, House has schooled himself back into his customary boredom. Wilson turns his back, walks a few steps away to give them privacy.]

THIRTEEN: You were right about the diagnosis.

HOUSE: Yes. It was JRA. I'm very proud.

THIRTEEN: No, I mean you were right about being wrong.

[Wilson turns back around.]

THIRTEEN: He's got Lyme Disease. It explains everything.

[House blinks.]

HOUSE: Would you just hold up some fingers so I can see if I'm literally blind? We ruled out Lyme Disease HOURS ago.

THIRTEEN: All the symptoms fit.

HOUSE: I am so ashamed. (to Wilson) She really that good looking?

WILSON: Apparently.

HOUSE: How many lives have been lost because of pretty girls?

THIRTEEN: The target rash is hiding!

[House sits, finally listening, weighing her words.]

THIRTEEN: No one ever looked at him closely enough.

[She pauses, then dashes back out. House watches her go, then looks at Wilson, levers himself out of the chair, and follows Thirteen.]

INT. - OR OBSERVATION ROOM - House and Wilson stand in the observation area as the surgical team begins the surgery on Kenny.

INT. - OR - They look at Kenny's face. Thirteen indicates the shadow that wasn't there before.

DOC - B & W - They begin to shave Kenny's head. As they do so, the rash appears.

Thirteen looks up at House, as if asking for vindication.

OR OBSERVATION ROOM - House stands there, hands folded over his cane, wearing an expression of complete satisfaction.

HOUSE: She's getting uglier by the second.

[Wilson smiles.]

INT. - HOUSE'S OFFICE - DOC - B & W - House sits behind his desk, dressed in only a t-shirt.

HOUSE: We can try and pretend we're above it. We can try and intellectualize it away, but ultimately, shiny, pretty, perky things are good, and ugly, misshapen teenaged boys are repulsive.

DARNELL: The question was... do you resent Dr. Cuddy's interference in your practice?

HOUSE: Oh. Well, then, I guess my answer wasn't very helpful, was it?

EXT. - PPTH - TWILIGHT - The sun sets over PPTH.

INT. - AUDITORIUM - House stands in the front of the auditorium, hands folded over his cane, twitching his fingers nervously.

HOUSE: Mini-stud. Stand up.

[All eyes lock on Taub. Taub stands.]

HOUSE: I spoke to your other partner.

TAUB: After Cuddy told you...

HOUSE: No, I stayed away. Did it all over the phone. I asked for a reference, said you were applying for a plastic surgery job.

TAUB: Oh, God.

HOUSE: Yeah. (b*at) He went nuts. Apparently you signed a non-compete. Now why would you agree to that?

TAUB: I don't want to practice plastic surgery.

HOUSE: You sign a contract because someone's making you, someone's getting something from you. (coldly) What did they give you in return?

TAUB: They agreed to keep their mouths shut.

HOUSE: So, you gave up your chosen career, just so they'd be quiet.

TAUB: I love my wife.

[Taub looks down at House, quietly challenging. And everyone looks away. Even House's eyes flick away before they come back to Taub, his expression softening slightly back to curiosity.]

HOUSE: You risked this job. With nothing to fall back on.

TAUB: I thought you were wrong.

[House considers.]

HOUSE: Sit back down.

KUTNER: You're keeping him because he's a philanderer? Where do I sign up?

[Taub glances sharply at Kutner.]

HOUSE: (reprovingly) Ask the Mormon. (explaining) I'm keeping him because he's interesting. (briskly) Dr. Terzi, would you please stand up?

[Dr. Terzi is confused, a touch arrogant, but shrugs, stands. Volakis stares daggers at her.]

HOUSE: Nice. [House frankly admires her.]I have treated you unfairly. [House walks over to her.] Prejudged you. And for me to be a better person, I have to rectify that situation. (bluntly) You're fired.

[Terzi's smug smile fades into a glare as the reality hits. Volakis stares, confused.]

HOUSE: You... wanna grab some dinner?

[Terzi stares at him, uncomprehending. Foreman shakes his head, unbelieving.]

HOUSE: Maybe a movie? Seriously.

[Terzi glares at him, grabs her portfolio, stalks out. Volakis struggles not to smile. House follows Terzi with his eyes as she leaves.]

INT. - CUDDY’S OFFICE - A wide-screen monitor is in Cuddy's office. The rough-cut is being played.

[Onscreen, Darnell is walking down a hallway towards the camera.]

DARNELL: (ONSCREEN) Just days ago, with Kenny's condition worsening, it was Dr. Gregory House, reassuring Kenny and his father.

HOUSE: (ONSCREEN) I care about your son.

[Cuddy sits, sipping from a mug of coffee, enthralled. House sits with his hands over his mouth, appalled.]

DARNELL: (ONSCREEN) The charming House, who happens to be a film buff with a soft spot in his heart for children, tells us how he got his start.

HOUSE: (ONSCREEN) See, I became a doctor because of the movie 'Patch Adams'.

[House winces, the hands go higher. Cuddy smirks, turns to him. Her attention returns to the screen as Darnell continues.]

DARNELL: (ONSCREEN) Determined to save the boy's life, as well as keeping...

HOUSE: The horror.

CUDDY: Well, it's nice of them to send us an early copy.

HOUSE: Not so much sent... as stolen.

DARNELL: (ONSCREEN) In the end, it was Dr. Gregory House who served as not only a doctor, but a rock for Kenny and his father.

HOUSE: (ONSCREEN) ...You're putting your trust in somebody who DOES think the surgery's important.

DARNELL: (ONSCREEN) House, one of those rare doctors who wears his heart on his sleeve...

[At Cuddy's laugh, House can't take it any more, jumps up out of his chair.]

HOUSE: God!

[He pounces swiftly, shuts off the monitor, turns back to Cuddy in protest.]

HOUSE: I was saying that was a STUPID thing to do.

[Cuddy sits, smirking, wiping away faux tears.]

CUDDY: It's difficult not to be moved.

HOUSE: Oh, stop it! Suddenly, I don't feel I can trust Michael Moore movies.

[He considers his options a moment, then makes a break for the door.]

CUDDY: Where you going? Kittens to get out of trees? Deaf kids to read to?

[House glares at her - 'yeah, right'.]

HOUSE: I owe it to the world to make sure this EVIL never sees the light of day.

[He holds the door open another moment, then stalks out. After the door closes behind him, Cuddy picks up the remote, turns the monitor back on.]

DARNELL: (ONSCREEN) Is there anything else?

[Kenny looks at the camera, head wrapped in bandages. The deformity is gone. He nods.]

KENNY: (ONSCREEN) Thank you, Dr. House.

[Cuddy gives a real smile, as Kenny does the same on-screen.]

KENNY:(ONSCREEN) Thank you.

FADE OUT
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "04x07 - Ugly"}