J-Roc: What's crackin', y'all. Let me be the first to officially welcome y'all ma-f*ck to my brand new joint.

Scrilla Villa. A-ight y'all, check it out.

Let me explain something to you, you know what I'm saying.

Me and T had to get things set up, you know what I'm saying.

With the babies on the way, with the family, you know what I mean.

So we had to start working. That's when I realized that the airport has some unique job opportunities, dawg.

Tyrone: That's right. We had to seize the mother f*ck.

J-Roc: Carpe dizum, you know what I'm saying?

That's why we started gankin' luggage. This is all the shit we ganked from overseas, you know what I'm saying. It's all from Europe. It's tight.

Ma-f*ck come back with some crazy ass shit, dawg.

You want a box for your bling? Ten ma-f*ck. It's tight, cheap and dope.

I'm out. And this here room's what I call liquors of the world, dawg.

You know what I'm saying? Look at all the shit the ma-f*ck bring back.

It's your passport to getting drunk. Glug, glug. [making guitar noises]

Real snake. What?! I'm saying. We so busy now, you know what I mean, I even had to hire employees. That's Lucy right there, you know what I mean.

Lucy, one of my employees. That little ma-f*ck ain't though.

I ain't paying for that ma-f*ck.

Lucy: I had to go back to work when I found out that I was pregnant.

I knew that Ricky was never going to get his shit together and I'm going to be taking care of this baby on my own, so this seems like an honest gig.

J-Roc: Lucy, you ready to do this family portrait?

Lucy: Yeah, yeah. I just gotta figure out this, how it works.

J-Roc: Like to introduce my family dawg. I ain't saying they both mine, I ain't saying they ain't. Who knows about my ancestry, you know what I mean. But me and T decided we too close to go through all that DNA bullish, so we just going to be co-daddies to these two little pimps right here.

Lucy: Smile.

[camera clicks]

[music]

Bubbles: Hey Ray.

Ah, for f*ck's sakes.

Ray: What's up man?

Bubbles: What's going on?

Ray: Hey bud, how are you doing?

Bubbles: You gotta come see it. I got it set up. Is it ever decent.

Ray: Oh yeah?

Bubbles: Check it out, you head up on the deck.

Ray: Alright.

Bubbles: Alright.

Look at that. Look at the detail.

Ray: Awesome buddy.

Bubbles: Eh? This is awesome!

Ray: So what's going on with you and Rick and Julian. You guys cool or what?

Bubbles: Yeah, we're cool. I'm just not hanging out with them anymore, ever since Ricky almost froze me to death. You know, I have a hobby now and that's what I'm going to do from now on. My hobby is trains and just like your hobby's drinking.

Ray: It's drinking buddy. Hey, Shitty! There's Shitty bud. Shitty!

Shitty: Hey boys.

Ray: Hey Shitty.

Bubbles: Hey Shitty. How you doing? There's a load there so get her loaded up.

Ricky: Hey Shitty. Bubbs, how's it going buddy?

Bubbles: Oh not bad Ricky. At least I'm not freezing to death.

Ricky: I'm sorry about that. Look, I really need to talk to you.

And Dad, can I talk to you too about some pretty serious stuff.

Ray: Of course buddy, what's up?

Ricky: Let's get away from Shitty. It's pretty private.

What the hell is all this shit. What are you guys doing?

Bubbles: Nothing Ricky. Nothing you'd be interested in.

Ricky: I know what's going on.

Better not f*ck with any of my stuff Shitty, just leave it where it's at.

Ricky: Is there any way that Lucy could have gotten pregnant without my bird doing stuff to her?

Ray: [laughs] You're joking right Rick?

Ricky: No actually, I'm pretty serious Dad.

Ray: f*ck, um.

Ricky: But there must be another way. I mean, we have done some stuff but, me and Lucy haven't banged in seven months and she's six months pregnant so, does that work out?

Ray: Bubbles, answer that. I gotta rock a piss off bud.

Bubbles: Ray? Look Ricky, just think of this train engine as Lucy right.

If you put fuel into it, it'll go. But if you don't, it doesn't.

Ricky: So you're saying that, what?

Bubbles: Ricky, a train will only go if there's fuel in it right.

So if it wasn't your nozzle that was putting fuel into Lucy, someone else's nozzle must have been. You know?

Ricky: You sure?

Bubbles: Yeah.

Randy: So let me get this straight?

Mr. Lahey gets one night off and you guys don't even include me?

Barb Lahey: Well, maybe if you weren't so high all the time Randy.

Randy: [grunting] Oh, moose balls!

Barb Lahey: [laughs]

Randy: My pants!

Barb Lahey: [laughs]

Randy: It's not funny Barb.

Jim Lahey: Randy.

Randy: [yelling and banging]

Barb Lahey: Randy!

Randy: My best pants.

Jim Lahey: Randy?!

Randy: This is friggin [banging]

Barb Lahey: Randy!

[Gentle music]

Julian: Hey. I heard about Lucy man. I'm sorry man, that sucks. You okay?

Ricky: Yup. Check it out Julian. The rankins are getting a lot bigger, huh?

Julian: Yeah, he's cute. So, are you coming to the airport with me or not? Cause I gotta get going.

Ricky: No, I'm not working for J-Roc man. It's against my vice principles.

I'm a dope dealer. I'm not going to steal luggage.

I understand if you want to I guess, but I'm not.

Julian: I've got no choice man, I have to. Trailer's re-mortgaged.

If I don't come up with a payment, I'm going to lose it.

Two hundred and forty-five dollars. Where the f*ck am I going to come up with that kind of money? Anyway, I gotta get going, but listen to me, you are handling this well okay.

So keep it up, don't do anything crazy alright.

Ricky: I'm good.

Julian: Alright. We'll get drunk when I get back or something.

Ricky: What's going on here? Big black Cadillac. J-Roc?

Lucy is f*cking banging J-Roc? I can't believe it.

J-Roc borned my baby. f*ck!

[sound of airplane]

Police Officer George: We good to go?

Police Officer Ted: Yeah.

Police Officer George: Focus.

Police Officer Ted: Yeah, the focus is fine.

Police Officer George: Alright, just a waiting game now. Oh yeah, look at that.

Hey look, check it out. Jamie, Tyler and the rest of the g*ng.

Think they might be, oh I don't know, stealing luggage.

Police Officer Ted: You think Jamie's smart enough to master mind that?

No, I don't know about that.

But, Julian sure as hell is.

[car brakes squealing]

Police Officer George: This is going to get interesting.

J-Roc: All luggage look the same nowadays, you know what I mean?

Give me a kiss mother-f*ck.

J-Roc: Bye Suzanne, lovely to see you.

Ricky: Wait right there Lucy!

J-Roc: Suzanne, you go to the car. A- ight Suzanne, I'll see you in a minute.

Ricky: Lucy, wait right there. I need to talk to you.

J-Roc: Suzanne, go to the car. Suzanne.

Ricky: What the f*ck!? You banged Lucy and gave her a baby?

J-Roc: I never banged Lucy, dawg, or Suzanne, what I'm saying.

I tried to h*t her a couple of times you know what I'm saying, but she wasn't feeling me dawg. T tried too. But we didn't.

Ricky: Oh, so it's f*cking T. What's the deal man, you got nothing better to do.

Couldn't help yourself, take a little something something from Lucy?

Tyrone: I didn't do nothing man. Relax yourself man.

You know the rule, bros before hos man. Come on, Ricky, you know that shit man.

Julian: Would you calm down?

Ricky: I got a question. Why the f*ck were you kissing her then?

J-Roc: I got a question too. Can I ask you somethin'?!

Would you calm down mother- f*ck?

Ricky: I just want to know why you were kissing her.

I wasn't kissing her, we was actin'. Saying?

Ricky: Actin?

J-Roc: We was just actin'. Me and Lucy was pretending to be married cause we taking luggage and we don't want f*ck to find out dawg.

Julian: We're trying to work here. Alright.

Go home, we'll deal with this later back at the park. Not here.

J-Roc: That's right. Know what I'm saying.

Ricky: Fine then guys. Let the little luggage bandits do their little thing here.

J-Roc: There ain't no luggage bandits here.

Ricky: I'm going to f*cking find out who banged Lucy and gave her a baby. I am.

J-Roc: It wasn't me. There ain't no luggage bandits here.

Ricky: I'm going to find out. I'll tell you that J-Roc.

Jim Lahey: God-damn, George and Ted are making me pull their shift at the liquor store today.

Barb Lahey: Oh Jim, you promised.

Jim Lahey: What can I do Barb?

Barb Lahey: Oh, we are going to get so far behind at line dancing.

How are, oh. Oh, never mind.

Maybe we can do a little bit of horizontal line dancing at home, eh?

[laughter]

[Banging at door]

Barb Lahey: Oh hang on.

Ha?

Jim Lahey: What's that?

Barb Lahey: I don't know.

Barb, ever since I seen you, you are the sun that lights up my world.

Jim Lahey: Sounds like Randy when he's high.

Barb Lahey: Yeah, when isn't he high?

Jim Lahey: Barb, I think you should lighten up on Randy.

At least he's trying. You gotta admit, it's pretty special for him to send you those.

Ray: Alright buddy, think about what I said. Come over for supper tonight bud.

Newfoundland steak and mashed potatoes buddy, whaddya think?

Bubbles: Oh, count me in Ray. I'd love some. Is that my Model Train Magazine?

Ray: Yeah, f*cking right buddy.

Bubbles: Can I have it?

Ray: Wait a sec, hold it. Got a problem. Need a boost buddy. Car won't start.

Bubbles: Well, I can't boost it. Give me my magazine.

Ray: Bubbles, work before play. That's exactly what I taught Ricky.

We gotta figure out this problem before we do anything.

I need a boost, go get me your lawn mower or something.

Bubbles: Just let me get this straight, you're holding my magazine ransom?

Til I give you a boost. I got nothing I can boost you with.

Ray: I'm not holding this ransom, I'm saying we gotta do work before we do pleasure.

That's the way it always is in life Bubbs.

Bubbles: Well, what am I going to boost it with? All I got is a go cart.

Ray: Your lawn mower. Get your lawn mower.

Bubbles: Ray, you know how jumping the things starts.

You hook two of the pinchers to your battery and two of the pinchers to another battery, and if I don't have a battery then there's nothing to hook it too. Now give me my magazine!

Ray: If I had to do this myself, I wouldn't have even asked you.

I need you help, I'm asking for your help.

Bubbles: There's nowhere to hook it!

Ray: I've got your magazine.

Ricky: Lucy! Where the f*ck are ya? I need to talk to you.

Sarah: Ricky? Ricky, what are you doing?

Ricky: I want to find out who brought this baby by Lucy.

Is what I'm f*cking doing, until these idiots got in my god damned way.

Sarah: Ricky!

Ricky: Lucy, where is you at?

Sarah: What the f*ck are you doing? Are you guys okay? f*ck.

You can't just come in here and push people over and eat my f*cking bread Ricky.

Ricky: Well, Lucy had a baby borned by somebody.

I'd like to find out who the f*ck it is. Where is she?

Bubbles: Alright Benjamin Franklin. You should me where to hook this.

Ray: You see the red thing in your hand there Bubbles, that goes Julian: Guys, guys, guys.

[everyone talking at once]

Julian: Where's Ricky at?

Ray: I don't know where Ricky is. I haven't seen him all day.

Just, put that on the red thing. Red on red.

Julian: What are you trying to do? You can't boost a car with a go cart Ray.

Come on, get in there, I'll give you a boost.

Ray: I can do it. You could've done it.

Bubbles: Give me my magazine.

Ray: You could have done it Bubbles, you just didn't try.

Julian: Oh Ray, number one, you got a loose terminal here bud. That's not going to do anything.

Bubbles: Decent! Julian, check this out. Look.

10th Annual Bangor International Model Train Convention.

Look who's hosting. Sebastian Bach, Skid Row.

My god, trains from all over the world. This year featuring the Swayze Express.

Julian: Swayze Express? Patrick Swayze.

Bubbles: Julian's always been really sensitive about the whole Patrick Swayze thing because when we were kids in school, the other kids used to tease him and call him Patrick Swayze but Julian was really into Dirty Dancing.

I remember one time me and Ricky were coming over to get Julian to go ride bikes and we walked in the trailer and Julian was dressed up like him, pretending he was in the movie Dirty Dancing.

Ricky told everyone in school and then from then on they teased him, Patrick Swayze.

Julian: Are you f*cking with me here Bubbs, cause it's not funny man.

Bubbles: No Julian, not that Patrick Swayze, not the actor, Patrick Swayze.

That's a different one.

Ricky: f*ck!

Ray: Finally someone who knows what the f*ck they're doing.

Ricky: Julian, where the f*ck is Lucy?

Julian: How should I know?

Ricky: You're a cole-worker.

Julian: Actually, I quit Ricky. Last I saw, she was heading back home.

Ricky: Here she comes right now.

Julian: Don't do anything stupid Ricky.

Ricky: Why the f*ck not Julian.

Ray: Ricky, I need a boost. Give me a boost buddy.

Ricky: Dad, I don't got time for boosts right now. Lucy's banging J-Roc.

I gotta go deal with this right now.

Ray: Ricky, I need a f*cking boost! And I need it now! Alright.

Bubbles, get this f*cking go cart out of my way.

Julian, get that black piece of shit out of here and down the road.

I don't ever want to see it around my car again.

Ricky, I want you to bring your car from there to here, hook up those cables to your car, get me the f*ck started so I can get out of here, okay?

Ricky: Alright. Does anyone know how the f*ck these things go on.

Bubbles: Yes, I know how they work!

Ray: You don't know how they work.

That's what started this problem Bubbles.

You don't know how they work. You said you did Bubbles: I do Ray!

Ray: but you don't! You couldn't even hook them up to your go cart Bubbles.

Bubbles: I'm not getting involved Ray: I don't want to argue about this anymore.

Julian: Red on positive, black on negative.

Ray: I just want to get home. Cook supper for me and Bubbles, you're still coming over for supper, aren't ya?

Bubbles: Yes! I'm coming for supper.

Ray: Alright, mashed potatoes and Newfoundland steak.

Lucy: The navy is really good. I actually can't see your underwear for once.

Sarah: Yeah, they look really good Randy.

They are a big improvement.

Randy: They're so comfortable. My other ones were so tight.

Sarah: Yeah, they're only one size bigger too. Randy!

Randy: Sorry, Sarah.

Ricky: Lucy, get the f*ck out here. Tell me what's going on.

Nice pants Randy. You still look f*cking stupid.

Lucy, I'm serious - get out here and talk to me.

Randy: Why don't you just calm down Ricky.

Ricky: f*ck off, what do you want? Who is it Luce?

That stupid f*cking idiot, dumbi-cop George Green?

Cause it can't be me Lucy, I checked.

Lucy: Okay, you know what Ricky. Don't be stupid.

Ricky: You look me right in the eyes, right now.

Tell me I'm the father of the yet to be unborn baby.

Lucy: Okay, you're getting way Ricky: See, you can't. You can't do it.

Lucy: We can't talk about this right now. You have to chill the f*ck out.

Alright, I'll talk to you later.

Ricky: Lucy! Lucy!

Police Officer George: What a shame.

Another baby that's going to be born in jail.

Police Officer Ted: You tagged her at the Cheeseburger Picnic didn't you George?

Police Officer George: It was one time Ted. I was drunk and high, doesn't count.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. You think you're so f*cking tough, smoking that big mall dope eh?

Randy: It's good dope.

Ricky: Nice new pants. Good price? How's got the best dope in town?

Randy: You do Ricky. You get to the best frigging dope. But you charge too much.

Lucy: Oh Ricky, leave him f*cking alone.

Ricky: I'm going to spit on you right now Randy.

Randy: Don't you dare spit on my pants Ricky.

Ricky: f*cking stupid those pants are. [spitting]

Randy: How dare you! [spitting]

Ricky: You just f*cking spit on me!

Randy: Good! Good, yeah.

Ricky: I'm going to wipe it all over your body.

Police Officer George: Well, we got all the evidence we need.

We also have four hours of paperwork now, so I don't think we're doing Chippendale's tonight.

Police Officer Ted: I'm not going to miss that.

Police Officer George: Actually, we have someone who can do all that.

He's working at the LC right now.

Police Officer Ted: Right.

Lucy: Ricky, leave Randy alone.

Randy: Ow!

Ricky: Lucy, I will make you have a uternity test if I have to.

Just tell me who it was, please.

Lucy: No, I can't tell you.

Come on. Are you alright bud.

Ricky: Randy, I'm sorry man. I'm just really stressed out.

Are you alright?

Randy: Yeah, I'm okay Ricky.

Ricky: Get the f*ck out of here. Lucy, will you please just tell me.

Lucy: Fine, I can't take this anymore.

Do you remember the second weekend that you and your father spent in the drunk t*nk?

[Gentle music]

Lucy: Well, I had a moment of weakness.

Come on, it just happened one time, I swear. Okay. I'm really sorry.

Ricky: Lucy, Who did you bang the weekend me and my dad went to the drunk t*nk?

The second time? Tell me who it was.

Lucy: Okay, it was Randy. There I said it.

Ricky: Randy?

Lucy: I banged Randy.

Randy: It's true. We made love a couple of times that Saturday night.

Ricky: You're the father of my baby?

Oh my f*ck!

Jim Lahey: No thanks, don't drink.

Sam: Jim? I hardly recognize you. You're sober.

Jim Lahey: Very funny Sam. Can I see some I.D. please?

Sam: I.D., what are you crazy? I'm f*cking 49, get the f*ck out of Jim Lahey: Newsflash shit-glasses, you're going back to your cave.

Sam: Oh, I see what's going on here. It's because I used to date Barb, isn't it?

I don't deserve this man, it's not fair.

Jim Lahey: Life's not fair same. This is real time, not cave time.

Sam: Hang on, hang on, I've got to give the kids back their money.

Jim Lahey: Move it Sam. You got a shower in this rig.

Sam: Of course I do. It's just not working.

Jim Lahey: Surprise, surprise. Why don't you scuffle off to your antediluvian world, find some water and hose yourself down?

Sam: Don't think I haven't noticed those sly cave man references, Lahey.

George: Hey Jim, how's the liquor store treating you these days bud.

Jim Lahey: Good George, good.

Ted: Had any relapses?

Jim Lahey: How the mighty have fallen.

Ted: What's that supposed to mean?

Jim Lahey: Birds of a shit feather, Ted.

George: Well, speaking of shit Jim, we need you to file the paperwork on this warrant.

For your friends down at the trailer park.

Jim Lahey: George, I'm pulling a double shift now.

If I have to do this, I'll be up til four a.m.

George: Well, we're going to be up until 4 in the morning too Jim.

Ted: Getting drunk, doing security for the Chippendale's.

George: Get it done.

Jim Lahey: f*ck!

Barb Lahey: So what do you want to talk about Randy.

Or do you need to be high first?

Randy: Barb, there's no real easy way of saying this. I frigged up.

Barb Lahey: What are you talking about?

Randy: Basically I banged Lucy and knocked her up. No big deal.

Barb Lahey: Oh my god. That was you? Oh, greasy.

Do you know the whole park is talking about that.

Jim Lahey: You cheated on me Randy?

You cheated on us? You cheated on us.

Randy: Well, Mr. Lahey. I want to make this work.

If we stay together, we can help Lucy raise our baby.

Barb Lahey: Our baby. No, I don't think so Randy. That'd be your baby.

Randy: Oh cinnamon cocks.

Jim Lahey: Randy, it pains me to say this, but I think it would be better if you moved on alone.

Barb Lahey: And now that we've established that, I'd like you out of this trailer, now.

Randy: You don't expect me to go live in the supervisor trailer with Ray do you?

Barb Lahey: No, I don't expect you to go live there Randy, because you're fired.

Randy: What? What am I going to do?

Barb Lahey: Well, you could go back to mowing lawns.

I mean, they don't mind you doing that when you're stoned.

Jim Lahey: Barb.

Barb Lahey: Jim?

Jim Lahey: Randy.

Randy: Mr. Lahey.

Barb Lahey: Jim! So that's a hundred and seventy six ninety-two.

Now would you like me to give it to you or should I give it direct to your drug dealer?

Jim Lahey: Barb.

Randy: Look, you guys have a good time frig dancing.

And Barb, your scalloped potatoes are f*cked.

Jim Lahey: They're fantastic Barb.

Ray: I'm not knocking Shitty buddy. But he's just a middle man.

You should be making twice as much money.

Bubbles: Well I know Ray, but Shitty drives a hard bargain.

Ricky: Hey boys. Whoo. Hey boys. I plan on having a few drinks tonight.

You guys want to get drunk with me?

Julian: Bubbs.

Bubbles: Ricky.

Ricky: Hey buddy. f*ck, Lucy's baby is not going to be mine, cause she's being borned by Randy Dad.

Ray: I know.

Ricky: Love you buddy. Drinks tonight?

Ray: Okay buddy.

Ricky: f*ck, I almost forgot. I almost forgot.

I sold some dope down at the bowling alley man. Don't tell anybody, alright.

I got that for your mortgage payment.

Julian: Ricky, I can't take this.

Bubbles: Oh, he's down. He's down.

Ricky: Dad, I love you buddy.

Oh, I'm getting drunk tonight, I tell ya.

[music]
{"type": "series", "show": "Trailer Park Boys", "episode": "07x02 - I Banged Lucy and Knocked Her Up... No Big Deal"}