Nurse: For 2 months he's been lying here in a coma helpless.What are his chances doctor?

Doctor: Not good.

Nurse: We're still trying to locate his family.

Doctor: Seeing him like this it just makes me realize I love you Deanndra.

Director: And cut!!Craps!!

Mike: Artie!Artie!What'd you think?

Artie: I laughed, I cried, you're on at 5.

Mike: Thanks.

Kate: Hi!

Mike: Kate!!

Kate: You were wonderful!

Mike: Oh thank you, you know I'm really getting into this coma stuff and I think people are really starting to notice.

Lennette: Castille Flackman, head writer, it is a pleasure.

Mike: I see your name on the credits every week.Wow!

Kate: Do I want to what!?

Mike: Excuse me, honey I think he wants to talk to me alone.Just this once.

Lennette: We've been so impressed with your performance, you are Straughn Waverly, the way you have explored textures and the internal harmonics.

Mike: Yeah Yeah, what's this?

Lennette: The episode America's been waiting for

Mike: Carol!Carol!I need you to watch me do my line and tell me what you think.

Carol: Mike!Leave me alone.

Mike: If I make enough money, I'll move out.

Carol: I'm all ears.Just make it fast.

Mike: Ok, let me give you some background.

Now in 1974, Taylor Palmerance, the patriarch of Green Valley disinherited his 3 sons, Frisco, Corrigan, and Murray.

Carol: Do any of them know your line?

Mike: That's not my line, I'm getting prepared.

Carol: Mike!!

Mike: Cruz Bannister.Well!!??

Carol: Well what!??You laid there and belched.

Mike: No no no, Carol that was the name of the m*rder.But you're right I can do much better than that.Cruz Bannister!!Well?

Carol: They pay you for this!!??A speck of protoplasm could do better.

Mike: Ok, you're right, you're right.What was I thinking?You're still on the respirator.Cruz Bannister.

Maria: Howdy stranger!?

Carol: Oh Shut up!Bran, let me appeal to you as a human being.

Bran: Cool.

Carol: You see I'm falling behind in my studies, I can't study at home because my brother keeps rehearsing his stupid soap opera line and I can't study here because like you're an insensitive boob, and my academic performance is suffering.

I am suffering, and all I am asking from you is a little bit of human understanding.

Bran: Carol you have never mentioned this before, your brother is on a soap opera!??Which one, who does he play!!??

Carol: I don't know, I don't care, he just lies there and breathes.

Bran: Ah!!My roommates brother is Straughn Waverly the third.

Students: Who's brother!??

Bran: Carol, my roommate.

Student: I didn't know you had a roommate!

Bran: Girls, Carol Seaver

Student: How do we really know that you brother is Straughn Waverly!??

Student: Yeah!!??

Carol: Well, If he weren't on the show, how would I know the name of the m*rder is Cruz Bannister.

Bran: Cruz Bannister!!??The m*rder is Cruz Bannister!!??That's it!AH.

Student: Carol do you think you can take us to see the show?

Carol: Hey, I'm his acting coach.

Students: Alright!!!

Luke: There, I almost got it.

Chrissy: Where did you learn so much about fixing dolls?

Luke: I was a surgeon at a doll hospital.

Chrissy: You were not!

Luke: Oh yeah!!??When chatty Kathy lost her voice, who do you think got her talking again?

When Betsy Wetsy dried up like the Sahara, who do you think opened up the flood gates?

And when My Little Pony got the trots, who do you think got her back on track?Let's see well it's as good as new.

Chrissy: Thanks Luke, when I'm all grown up you better watch out!

Mike: Hey Luke!What are you doing dressed up in Ben's weeny suit?

Luke: I want to make a good impression on the Kimbell's.

Mike: So you are dressing like Ben?These people don't like you the way you are, then the heck with them.Go upstairs throw on some jeans.

Carol: Mike.

Kate: Whoa!This dressing room is huge.

Mike: Kate, look at this!!?My sofa, my waste paper basket, and look at this my chair with my name on it.

Kate.Mark Seaver??

Mike: Can't have everything haha.Glen!!You remember my girlfriend?

Glen: Can it!Bad news.

Lennete: Straughn Straughn, we've re-written your whole scene.

Mike: You're kidding!?Do I still wake up?

Lennette: Of course, but you don't say Cruz Bannister anymore, now you say Brook Sunderfield.

Mike: He's the m*rder?

Lennette: She.

Mike: Wow!This is a curveball!Uhh..Brook Sunderfield...Is that ok?

Glen: Is this kid a trooper or what!!??Blow it and I yank out you nose hair!

Mike: Uhh, why did you change the name of the m*rder?

Lennette: Some serpent in our midst gave the name Cruz Bannister to the Columbia University paper.

Glen: The more I think about it, the more I would like to pop the weasel that did it.

Mike: Ohh, kids today.

Lennette: Straughn, better get into wardrobe, roll tape in five minutes.

Mike: Ok, right.

Glen: You need anything, you let me know.

Mike: Ok, I can't think of a thing.

Kate: Oh I can, this may seem petty but Ernie put mark on the chair.

Glen: Say no more, Ernie's history.He's fired!!

Mike: No no, just maybe change the name on the chair, don't f*re anybody.

Glen: Well, ok...

Mike: Well??

Kate: Ill, sorry looking buns,

Mike: Hello?Straughn Waverly the third.

Luke: Yeah, hello is Mike Seaver there?

Mike: Yeah, Luke, it's me Mike.I was just getting into character, what's up?

Luke: Look you've been straight with me, felt I owed you a goodbye.

Mike: A goodbye, hey listen pal you're just moving across town.

Luke: I'm leaving town,.

Mike: Luke, where are you going!?

Luke: I'll spend the winter in Florida, don't worry I'll be fine.

Announcer: Sorry for the interruption, all buses will be boarding....

Mike: Luke don't do this!

Luke: I'll look you up someday.

Mike: Luke!

Kate: What's wrong!?

Mike: Kate, call the bus station, find out the next bus that leaves anywhere for Florida.

Kate: Mike, I know you are nervous about today, but running away isn't the answer.

Mike: No Kate!I'm not running, Luke is.

Mike: Get Glen on that I got a problem.

Artie: Glen, the kid's got a problem!!

Lennette: Straughn, why aren't you in wardrobe!?

Mike: Look is there anyway we can put this off till tomorrow?

Lennette: Impossible!Tomorrow you lead the SWAT team to the m*rder's lair with your shirt off.

Mike: Maybe we can just delay it for an hour or two.

Glen: Entertainment tonight is here for crying out loud!!Be a man!!

Mike: Look there's this boy that's been living with our family and he's about to run back down to the streets and I am the only one who can stop him.

Glen: Entertainment Tonight!

Kate: There's a bus to Fort Lauderdale in 20 minutes.

Mike: Ok!Ok!So I can be back in..

Lennette: Wait a minute, so this boy has been in your home and now at the moment of truth your heart goes out to him.It's wonderful.

Mike: So can I go!??

Lennette: No!!But that storyline screams daytime nanny.

Kate: Can't you just let him go!!?

Glen: Is she anybody!?

Lennette: No!!

Glen: This scene sh**t in 5 minutes with you in that bed!!

Lennette: Straughn I have designed whole storylines around you, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Mike: I know, I understand.Look I have an idea, what about if we put a dummy in the bed today and tomorrow I'll come back and do the shirtless SWAT thing.

Glen: How about this?No more Straughn!You're fired!!!

Mike: Are you serious!?

Glen: It's so simple, stay not fired, leave fired, history, out of here deep sixed.

Mike: I got to go.

Glen: Well, there's the door..You're fired!!!

No no no, you wouldn't understand people cry and throw themselves at my feet and beg me to hire them back when they're fired and you're fired!!!

Mike: I heard you.

Glen: Listen I lost my head, you're not fired, we'll work something out.

Mike: Thanks.

Glen: And now that you are working for me again... You're fired!!!Bing!!Bam!Boom!You're out!Something's wrong, I'm not enjoying it.

Lennette: Forget him, he's obviously not Straughn.

Mike: Uhh, look Kate I need to find my jacket.I'll be back as soon as I can.

Kate: Don't worry about me, just go.I'm proud of you Mark Seaver.

Artie: Can I help you?

Carol: Yes, I'm looking for Mike Seaver.

Artie: Never heard of him.

Carol: Well he's on this show, I should know, I'm his sister.

Artie: Excuse me toots, I've only been with this show since it was created you know?You don't believe me, you go ask the producer there.

Glen: You're fired!!Fired!!Fired!!Do you understand!!??

Carol: Hi, I'm looking for Mike Seaver.

Glen: Mike Seaver!??There's no Mike Seaver.There never was a Mike Seaver.There's just air!Air!

Student: I smell a wookie.

Bran: I knew Cruz couldn't have done it.

Carol: Wait this is Mike!Look this is my brother.

Lennette: What are your kids doing here?

Carol: We are not kids, we are students from Columbia University.

Lennette: Security!!

Mike: Excuse me.Excuse me.

Luke: It's busy!

Mike: Luke!?

Luke: Mike!!?

Mike: Hey.

Luke: What are you doing in here?You're suppose to be in a coma.

Mike: Come on let's get out of here.

Luke: I can't, I'll lose my free seat.

Mike: What!?You're going to ride all the way to Florida in a rest room!?

Luke: b*at's hanging on the back of a skateboard.

Mike: Come On!Come on!Let's go!

Luke: Just let me go!!

Mike: Like I'm going to let you wander the streets while I lead the SWAT team to the k*ller with my shirt off.

Bus Driver: Fort Lauderdale express, get comfortable or get off!!

Mike: Luke, what was wrong with the Kimbell's?

Luke: I don't trust a man who uses a popsicle stick to fix a cat.

Mike: I'm serious, what was wrong with the Kimbell's!!??

Luke: I'm just getting tired of getting used to people and having them ditch me.

Mike: Ditch you!?

Luke: Yeah, my dad slit when I was 2, my mom died and you guys are...

Mike: Us!??Look how great you fit in with us!!?I mean only after a month you were part of our family.

Luke: Not quite.

Mike: Driver, stop this bus!

Bus Driver: Blow it out of here!

Maggie: Jason.Jason.I heard a noise down stairs, maybe Luke's back, are you awake?

Mike: Mom!Dad!I'm sorry it's so late, but I've made a decision.

I don't want Luke going to the Kimbell's.I want Luke to stay right here and I will take full responsibility for him.

Maggie: Mike...

Mike: Mom!You said it yourself, Luke fits in around here.

Maggie: Well that's true.

Mike: And that's because he loves us and we love him and that' the bottom line.

Maggie: I can't say I haven't had the same thought from time to time.Jason.

Jason: Hmmm...

Maggie: That makes it unanimous then.

Mike: Thanks mom.

Maggie: We'll work it out in the morning.

Mike: Thanks dad.

Maggie: Mike, your father and I are proud of you.

Jason: Hmmm...

Mike: Goodnight.

Maggie: Goodnight.Oh Jason isn't this wonderful??Jason.Jason!Wake up!

Jason: What's going on!!??What is it!?

Maggie: We just had another child.
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x05 - The Young and the Homeless"}