[Scene: School Cafeteria. Cory walks to up a vending machine to get a snack, while Feeny retrieves coffee from the machine next to it.]

Cory: Good morning, Mr. Feeny. (Puts money in machine and pushed button)

Feeny: Morning, Mr. Matthews. (Cory pulls a candy bar from his machine) A candy bar? Doesn’t your mother feed you a proper breakfast?

Cory: Oh yeah, she does. But I gotta get the taste of shredded wheat out of my mouth. (Opens candy bar)

Feeny: Y’know, you’re not doing your body any favors loading up on junk like that. (Sips coffee)

Cory: Oh, thanks, Mr. Feeny. And please enjoy that high-vitamin astronaut drink you’re sucking down. (Steps away)

Feeny: There’s no gravity in space, Mr. Matthews, therefore astronauts suck up. Learn from them. (Walks away)

(Cory walks over to a table where is friends, Shawn and Nicolas are sitting and joins them)

Shawn: He’s a teacher, man. Keeping ragging on him, he’s gonna make your whole sixth grade year miserable.

Cory: (Shrugs) I’m gonna be miserable anyhow, this way I’m taking him with me.

Shawn: Hey, who’s that? (Looks to a table where Feeny is sitting with a younger, female teacher)

Nicolas: I think she’s new.

Shawn: She must be new, she’s talking to Feeny.

Nicolas: (To Cory) Oky, so how late did you stay up last night?

Cory: Monologue.

Nicolas: Monologue, first guest.

Shawn: Monologue, first guest, bad sketch.

Cory: Monologue, first guest, bad sketch, funny zoo animal.

Nicolas: Monologue, first guest, bad sketch, funny zoo animal… Steve Lawrence!

Cory: Whoa!

Shawn: Steve Lawrence! (Nicolas nods)

(Bell rings)

Shawn: (Stands with friends) And there’s the bell.

Cory: Four hours till lunch. (They all walk off)

[Opening Credits]

[SCENE – Feeny’s classroom. Feeny has them acting out the famous scene from Romeo and Juliet, with a female student of his, Vanessa, lies on the desk while Nicolas stands over her]

Feeny: She’s d*ad, Mr. Bornihay. Pick up the Kn*fe and k*ll yourself.

Nicolas: Come on, Mr. Feeny, you and I both know she’s not really d*ad. May I please s*ab her a few times just to make sure?

Vanessa: (Sits up quickly and gets in Nicolas’s face) Hey! You touch me with that Kn*fe, you better k*ll me the first time.

Nicolas: (Terrified) Mr. Feeny…

Feeny: All right, all right… (Lays Vanessa back down)

[Cut to Shawn and Cory, sitting in the back of the class. Shawn, sitting behind Cory, leans forward to speak. Cory has his hand cupped around his right ear]

Shawn: (Whispering) Cory.

Cory: (Whispering) Huh?

Shawn: (Whispering) What’s the score?

Cory: (Quietly, not quite whispering) Bottom of the third, two out, Dykstra’s on second, Kruk’s on first, 3 and 2 to Dalton. (Out of nowhere, Feeny’s hand pulls Cory’s hand away from his ear, revealing a small headphone)

Feeny: (Pulls headphone out of Cory’s ear) What’s this, Mr. Matthews?

Cory: (Cups hand to ear) Huh? What’d you say, Mr. Feeny? You took my hearing aid.

Feeny: (Pulls at the cord and takes Cory’s radio, then puts the headphone in his ear) (Recites play-by-play unemotionally) Smoltz delivers, Dalton swings. Oh, he got a piece of that one. It’s a long drive, deep to center. Otis Nixon back, back to the warning track, climbs up the wall, and… (Turns off radio)

Cory: (Buries face in hands, sighing) Ohh!

Feeny: (Wrapping headphone wire around Cory’s radio) Mr. Matthews, Romeo and Juliet is Shakespeare’s ultimate testament of love between a man and a woman.

Nicolas: (From offscreen) Help! Help! Mr. Feeny! Help! (Camera cuts to Nicolas, who is pinned to the desk by Vanessa, who’s trying to s*ab him with the fake Kn*fe) Help! Help!

Feeny: (Rushes over, manages to take the Kn*fe from Vanessa) Ms. Kincaid, thank you! Thank you (leads her off the desk) for that, uh, vigorous interpretation. (Places Kn*fe & radio on his desk, turns to Cory) Mr. Matthews, you do not listen to the ballgame in the middle of my class.

Cory: (Stands) Mr. Feeny, who cares about some guy who k*lled himself over some dumb girl?

Feeny: (Shakes his head, paces towards Cory) The tragedy here, Mr. Matthews, is not about a dumb girl or the boy who kills himself because of her. It’s about the all-consuming power of love and the inevitability of its influence on each of our lives.

Cory: (Looks at him with confusion) Are you aware that I’m on eleven years old?

Feeny: Are you aware that you have detention Friday afternoon?

Cory: No, actually I did not know that. (Feeny nods)

[SCENE – Cory & Eric’s room. Eric is pacing back & forth while talking on the phone.]

Eric: (Into phone) You will? Okay, great. (Pause) Yeah, me too. (Pause) All righty. Okay. Bye. (Hangs up) Yes!! (Jumps)

Cory: (Enters) YES! Phillies won, 8-3!

Eric: I’m going out with Heather Ralston! (They give each other high fives)

Cory: You know what that means?

Eric: It means every guy in the tenth grade wants to be me. (Sits on bed)

Cory: It means if they win Friday night, that they’re in the playoffs!

Eric: Look, Cory, we gotta talk about something.

Cory: (Disregards Eric’s remark, paces away in thought) That makes the game we’re going to the most important game of the year!

Eric: Look, Cory, my date with Heather’s Friday.

Cory: (Paces back) Now, I got a slight case of detention from Feeny, but I’ll just meet you at the bus. (Realizes) (Sternly) What?

Eric: It’s the only night she was available.

Cory: You’re not going to the game? (Sits on bed) That’s terrible.

Eric: Actually, Cory, it, uh… it gets worse.

Cory: (Desperately, semi-serious) She’s going to the game with us?

Eric: (Encouragingly) You’re really close!

Cory: (Unsure) She and I are going to the game?

Eric: (Stands) Come on, Cory, it’s my first date with her. It’s really important to me.

Cory: (Stands) But Eric, going to the Phillies game is like our special thing.

Eric: Cory, I’m trying to get a special thing going with Heather. Now, look. You could be happy for me and accept this like a mature guy or you can…

Cory: (Interrupting, screaming) DAD! (Exits running)

Eric: (Continuing his thought) Overreact.

[Cut to Matthews’ living room. Alan is sitting on the couch reading the newspaper, Morgan is also on the couch playing with her doll, and Amy is sitting at the desk next to the staircase reading some letters. Cory enters, running]

Cory: Dad!

Amy: Just the kid I want to see.

Cory: Mom, we have a major problem. (Moves towards Alan at the couch)

Amy: You have detention with Mr. Feeny. (Cory stops)

Cory: (Rhetorically) How could you possibly know that?

Amy: (Steps over to Cory) He stuck his head over the fence and told me while I was bringing in the groceries.

Cory: (To Alan) I want to move.

Alan: Why did you get detention?

Cory: You know, you’re missing the bigger issue, Dad. You bought a house next to my teacher. I want to move. I want to move now. (Moves towards door) Get the guy with the gold jacket. I’ll be in the car.

Alan: Why did you get detention? (Cory stops, walks back)

Amy: Apparently, he’s rather listen to the baseball game on the radio than try to understand the emotional content of Romeo and Juliet.

Cory: Mom, I’m a kid! I don’t understand the emotional content of Full House!

Morgan: (Raises hand) I do!

(Eric enters from upstairs)

Cory: Besides, I don’t know why you’re dumping on me. I’m not the one who sold out my only brother for some girl.

Amy: (Excitedly) Eric, she said yes! (Runs over to him, hugs him)

Eric: Yep.

Amy: Congratulations.

Cory: You were in on this?

Eric: Oh, come on, Cory, don’t you think you’re making a big deal about this game.

Cory: (Walks past them) I don’t care about the game. I don’t care about the tickets. I wouldn’t take them if you offered them to me.

Eric: Alright, look. (Walks over) I’ll just take Heather somewhere else. Here, you want the tickets? (holds them out)

Cory: Yes! (Grabs at tickets, but Eric snatches them away)

Eric: Get real! (Exits into kitchen)

Cory: Dad!!

Alan: Cory, he paid for those tickets with his own money, he can take whoever he likes.

Cory: But I earned those tickets. I slept with him for eleven years!

Alan: Look, pal, when you’re older you’ll understand how your brother feels because girls will be important to you, too.

Cory: (Defeated) Fine. My brother betrays me, my parents take his side… Fine, I don’t have a friend in this house. (Walks past Morgan)

Morgan: Do you want me and Debbie to go to the baseball game with you?

Cory: (Mockingly) Hey, go to the game with my sister and her doll. Great! Maybe during the seventh-inning stretch I could run through the stadium in my old Spider-Man underwear.

Morgan: Well, you don’t have to dress up for me.

[SCENE – School cafeteria. Cory, Shawn, and Nicolas are looking at their disgusting lunch food. After prodding his meat-type product, Shawn looks up to his friends]

Shawn: Well, mine’s got fuzz.

Cory: (Poking his) Mine’s got lips.

(Nicolas takes his lunch from his brown paper bag and then puts the bag aside)

Shawn: Hey, bag man. Rough life being an only child, huh?

Cory: (Looking at Nicolas) Yeah. Rougher life being an orphan, which is what I am as of last night.

Nicolas: What happened?

Cory: I dumped my family and my family dumped me. It was mutual. They’re keeping the house.

Shawn: Well, we’re here for you, Cory.

Cory: Thanks. You’re my new brothers. (Pats Shawn’s and Nicolas’s arms) Hey, how about we go to the game Friday night?

Nicolas: I thought the game was sold out.

Cory: It is, so we go down early. There’s always guys with extra tickets.

Shawn: Don’t you have detention Friday?

Cory: Uh, don’t worry about detention. I can handle Feeny. Feeny loves me.

Shawn: Feeny hates you.

Cory: Well, it’s one of the two. We’ll see who’s right. (Walks over to the table where Feeny is sitting alone) Mr. Feeny, may I sit down?

Feeny: (Reading a book) I’d rather you didn’t.

Cory: (Calling back to his friends) Hates me. (Sits)

Feeny: (Sternly) Mr. Matthews, I spend 35 to 40 hours a week dealing with the perceived problems of whiny little people like yourself. Now, this is my lunch period, my respite from the fray. I spend four hours with you every morning and three hours with you every afternoon. Now for God’s sake get out of my face. (Cory looks terrified) (Calling to a colleague) Evelyn!

Evelyn: (Walks over and salutes) George.

Feeny: (Stands, pulls out a chair) I saved a place for you.

Evelyn: (Sits down with lunch tray) Oh, aren’t you sweet? (Sighs, takes off glasses) (Looking at Cory) And who is this young man?

Cory: Uh, my name’s Cory Matthews. Mr. Feeny’s my teacher. He hates me.

Evelyn: Now Cory, I’m sure that Mr. Feeny doesn’t hate you.

(Feeny sits, he and Cory exchange sarcastic smiles)

[SCENE – Cory’s backyard, where a tree house sits in a tree. Amy walks through the yard with a brown paper bag, takes a step up the ladder on the tree, and leans into the tree house, pushing the curtain aside. Cory is inside the tree house.]

Amy: (Holding up bag) Oh, good. Caught you home. Housewarming gift. (Holds out bag, Cory takes it) Chocolate pie with a side of barbequed chicken and corn on the cob. Now, I would’ve bought you a plant, but, hey, you’re in a tree.

Cory: Thanks, mom.

Amy: Are you all right?

Cory: Of course I’m all right. I’ve been in this tree house a million times.

Amy: Never after dark… (Laughing maniacally) Bwa ha ha ha…. (Exits)

(Cory opens his bag and looks through it)

Morgan: (Calling from the foot of the ladder) Cory!

Cory: (To self) I gotta build a moat around this place. (Leans out the door to talk to Morgan)

Morgan: Do you want Debbie to keep you company?

Cory: Why would I want your doll to keep me company?

Morgan: In case you get scared.

Cory: Morgan, I’m eleven years old. I don’t get scared. And even if I did get scared and had to defend myself, my w*apon of choice would not be a chick with a plastic head.

Morgan: Well you don’t have to get so snippy. (Exits)

Cory: (Looks up and can see right into Feeny’s dining room. He sees Feeny setting a very fancy meal for two people, putting out a salad) Hey, America’s funniest home teacher. (Feeny sets out flowers. Feeny’s phone rings and he picks it up. After a brief phone conversation, and a sh*t of Cory looking interesting, Feeny looks dejected, hangs up the phone, and begins to clear one of the place settings. Feeny then sits, all by himself, and serves himself some salad, as Cory looks on while taking a bite of his large chicken leg.)

[SCENE – Cory and Eric’s room. Cory enters, looks around to see if the coast is clear. It is, so he goes towards his drawer and begins sifting through his sock drawer. Amy enters from the bathroom carrying a bunch of laundry. Quietly, she drops the laundry, picks up a toy g*n, and points it to Cory’s back.]

Amy: Okay, mister, drop my son’s underwear.

Cory: (Holding his hands out sideways) Mom, it’s me.

Amy: How do I know it’s you?

Cory: Who else would want my underwear?

Amy: (Withdraws the g*n) Good point. (Puts in on the bed)

Cory: Now, don’t get your hopes up. I’m not moving back in or anything.

Amy: Oh, hey, I’m just here straightening up the room for the boy we rented it out to.

Cory: Well, I hope he’s got better luck with brothers than I did.

Amy: (Motherly, strokes Cory’s hair) You still feeling a little abandoned, Cor?

Cory: Yeah, well, life goes on.

Amy: Yeah, that’s what your dad said when it happened to him.

Cory: Why? Who abandoned Dad?

Amy: You did.

Cory: I never did anything like this to Dad.

Amy: (Folding laundry) Oh, when you were little you couldn’t wait for your dad to get home from work so you could throw the football around with him. I’ll tell you something, he looked forward to it as much as you did.

Cory: So how come we don’t do that so much anymore?

Amy: Well… (Pats bed, she and Cory sit) You got a little older, and you had a bunch of friends, and you were more interested in throwing the football around with them.

Cory: Wait a minute, it sounds like you’re saying I’m the bad guy.

Amy: No, honey, there’s no bad guy. All I’m saying is that it’s natural that people grow up and priorities change. Okay? (Stands to attend to laundry)

Cory: Mom?

Amy: Hmm?

Cory: (Nodding) You were always very cordial to me when I lived here.

Amy: Thank you, Cory, and I give you my word that the new boy will never replace you in our hearts. (Smiles, touches Cory’s cheek, exits with laundry).

[SCENE – Feeny’s classroom at four ‘o’clock. The room is empty except for Feeny grading papers at his desk and Cory sitting silently, in his Phillies jersey, at the nearest desk. Cory is tapping his hands, bored.]

Cory: (Sighs) You’re not gonna talk to me at all, are you, Mr. Feeny? (Feeny ignores him) Because I’ve been sitting in this seat for 38 minutes and I’ve been very good and I think you should let me go. (Feeny, wordless, staples some papers together a bit violently) Look, and eleven-year-old boy cannot sit still this long. I’m gonna get up. (Cautiously, Cory stands) I’m up. (Feeny says nothing, not even looking up) I’m dancing. (Cory does a little dance around his desk in front of Mr. Feeny) (Grinning) I’m leaving. (Walks backwards to the door, puts his hand on the knob) My hand is on the knob. (Opens door) The door is open. (Steps out, shuts door) Fine. (From behind the closed door) I’m in the hall! (Feeny staples another paper) (Agitated, Cory reenters) Mr. Feeny, this stinks! (Points, wanders back towards his desk)

Feeny: It’s supposed to stink, Mr. Matthews. It’s detention. You’re being detained from whatever it is you’d rather be doing.

Cory: (At desk) Well, I think it’s a cruel and unusual life-sucking t*rture.

Feeny: (Nodding) You’ve captured the essence.

Cory: Why do we have to stay here? Just because I don’t want to hear about this love stuff? Because I know it only leads to no good, and I know in your heart you agree with me.

Feeny: (Writing on a paper, vaguely interested) What brings you that conclusion, Mr. Matthews?

Cory: ‘Cause you and I had dinner together last night.

Feeny: Really? I wasn’t aware.

Cory: I had chocolate pie and you had salad for two all by yourself.

Feeny: (Looks up) How did you know that?

Cory: ‘Cause I slept in my tree house last night. You know why? ‘Cause this love stuff has turned my whole family against me. And you’re teaching us how it’s worth k*lling yourself for when I know you don’t really believe that, do you?

Feeny: (Smacks down his red pen) Well… You shrewd little observer of the human condition. (Stands, imposingly) How blissful it must be for you to have lived so little and yet already reached your conclusions about the greatest wonder of the universe.

Cory: (Stutters) Y-you know what, Mr. Feeny? Keep the radio.

Feeny: (Paces from behind his desk) Shakespeare wrote plays and sonnets. The Greeks wrote tragedies and comedies. Robert Burns, Emily Dickinson, the br*wnings examined the depths of human emotions. (Leans on his desk directly in front of Cory) And do you know what each one of these poets, playwrights, and philosophers had in common, Mr. Matthews?

Cory: (Unsure) They all took your class?

Feeny: Every one of them was older than eleven. (Stands, paces around some more) You come into my classroom at the beginning of the year, and at the end, you go. And I really don’t know if in the time we spent together I have taught you anything! Well, this afternoon, Mr. Matthews, you are going to learn something from me! (Points) (d*ad serious) Do I have your attention?

Cory: Yes, sir.

Feeny: (Paces back in front of Cory, scratching his head, then sits on the desk next to him) I live on the other side of the fence from you, Cory. And it’s impossible not to face in you’re direction every once in a while and notice the people in the next yard. And through the years, I’ve got to know them. It is apparent that they are fine individuals, but (pause) their real strength (pause) comes from being a family. And do you know why they’re a family, Cory? Because, at one time, a man and a woman realized that they loved each other and pursued the unlimited potential of what may come from that love. (Gestures to Cory with open arms) And here you are. (Stands) There is no greater aspiration than to have love in our lives, Mr. Matthews. Romeo knew it and died for it. Others know it, and prepare salads. And those who don’t know it will sit in detention for the rest of their lives. (Cory looks petrified) (Feeny circles back to behind his desk) This particular detention is over. (Cory is frozen)

[SCENE – Matthews’ living room. Cory, still adorned in his Phillies jersey, enters from the backyard carrying a bag. He looks around and shuts the door gently, and though he’s sneaking in. He smiles, then runs to the staircase, where he sees Morgan sitting at her nearby play table having a tea party.]

Morgan: Do you want to have tea with me?

Cory: No, Morgan, I don’t want anybody to know I’m here, okay?

Morgan: Oh, okay. You’re moving back in?

Cory: Yeah, don’t tell anybody.

Morgan: Oh, okay. (Yelling) Cory’s back!!

Cory: No!! Shhh!! (Backpedals into Alan) (To Alan) Hi, honey, I’m home.

Alan: (Playing along) Well, it’s about time. Dinner’s on the table and the kids have been animals. (Morgan laughs)

Cory: (To Alan) I know that you and Mom will lose out on all that rental income, but I want my old room back.

Alan: Well, that comes at quite an economic blow, but we’ll try to get by.

Cory: Dad, I’m sorry I dumped you for my friends.

Alan: When did you do that?

Cory: You know, all the time.

Alan: Well, Cory, I’m glad that you have friends. And I’m glad you’re back. (Hugs him)

Cory & Alan: (While hugging) (Cory is serious, Alan is mocking, simultaneous nonetheless) No, don’t hug me!

[SCENE – Cory is in his rooms playing video games with his toy g*n pointed at the screen.]

Cory: Die! (sh**t the screen) Die! (sh**t it again) Die! (sh**t it again) (Eric enters) Die! (sh**t the screen) Die! (sh**t at Eric) Die! (sh**t the screen again)

Eric: (Pointing to the screen) You missed the puppy-looking thing in the corner.

Cory: Die! (sh**t it, emitting an odd dying animal sound)

Eric: There’s one we don’t have to neuter. (Takes off jacket)

Cory: (Puts down the g*n) Five to three. The Phillies are in the playoffs.

Eric: Yeah, I heard.

Cory: What do you mean you heard? You were there.

Eric: I really wasn’t paying that much attention to the game, Cory.

Cory: Why not? It was a great game.

Eric: It was not, however, a great date.

Cory: You had a bad date?

Eric: No, I had a great date. (Grabs a crate, sits on it) Heather was beautiful. She knew what to say, she knew what to do. Unfortunately, her date spilled food, tripped over chairs, and had nothing interesting to say for nine innings.

Cory: Eric, you’re much too cool for some girl.

Eric: News flash! I’m not cool. (Stands) You don’t know what you’re talking about.

Cory: Okay, you’re not call. And now you know better than to go to a game without your brother.

Eric: (Sitting at desk) You’re right.

Cory: I am?

Eric: Yeah, that’s my first and last date with Heather. I never want to see her again.

Cory: Good. (Picks up g*n and begins sh**ting the screen. Stops, looks to Eric) You don’t mean that.

Eric: (Lying) Yes, I do.

Cory: (Hands Eric the phone) Here.

Eric: What’s this?

Cory: Call her.

Eric: Who?

Cory: (Mimicking) “Who?” Heather! My nemesis! Call her!

Eric: Why?

Cory: ‘Cause you’re sitting there, drooling and pathetic, and I know somewhere inside’s my cool brother. And I’m not gonna get him back unless you call her.

Eric: Look. (Puts down phone) I’m not calling her. I sat there all night and didn’t say anything, what could I say now?

Cory: (Hands him the phone) Take her to a movie. There, you’re supposed to sit and not say anything. A movie’s perfect for your current skill level. (Walks to the door)

Eric: Why do you want me to call her?

Cory: I’m told love is worth it. (Shrugs, exits)

[Cut to the living room. Morgan is at her tea table. Cory enters from upstairs. Morgan looks up to Cory, than goes back to her imaginary tea]

Cory: Aren’t you going to invite me to have tea with you? (Morgan picks up a doll from the chair and throws it on the floor. Then, she gestures towards the chair, offering it to Cory. Cory sits) Morgan, I want you to know something. No matter how old I get, I’m always gonna be your big brother.

Morgan: Sugar? (Pantomimes pouring)

Cory: And even if I ever – which I won’t – get interested in girls…

Morgan: Milk? (Pantomimes pouring)

Cory: …and it seems like I don’t care about you anymore…

Morgan: Ketchup? (Pantomimes squirting)

Cory: …I still always want you to invite me to have tea with you.

Amy: (Enters) Morgan, honey, put your tea set away and brush your teeth. It’s time to go to bed.

Morgan: (Stands, tugs on Cory’s shirt) Do I have to?

Cory: You’re asking me? (Morgan nods) (To Amy) How about if we just stay up and finish our tea?

Amy: You volunteering to put your sister to bed?

Cory: (Shrugs) Yeah, I guess I am.

Amy: Why?

Cory: (Nodding) ‘Cause I don’t understand anything about my entire life. (Amy exits, Morgan give Cory a kiss on the cheek) (Insincerely) Yeah, thanks…

[TAG – Lunchroom. Cory, Nicolas, and Shawn are once again watching Feeny and Evelyn.]

Nicolas: Two days in a row.

Shawn: She just doesn’t learn.

[Cut to Feeny’s table with Evelyn]

Feeny: Evelyn, I hope I’m not being too forward, but instead of cafeteria lunch, maybe one evening we could have dinner together?

Evelyn: Of course, George. I’d love it.

Feeny: Good. (Cory looks confused) (He and Evelyn get up and begin walking) I’m quite the cook, you know.

Evelyn: Really?

Feeny: Oh, yes. Just the other night, I prepared a lovely salad nicoise for my sister, but she, uh, had to cancel at the last moment. (Stops at Cory, Evelyn proceeds onward) Confused, Mr. Matthews?

Cory: (Nods) Yes I am, sir.

Feeny: As it should be. (Walks away)

-End-
{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "01x01 - The Pilot"}