THE PIRATE PLANET

BY: DOUGLAS ADAMS

Part Four

Original Air Date: 21 October 1978
Running time: 25:16

DOCTOR: Hello, everybody.

CAPTAIN: Doctor!

DOCTOR: Sorry I couldn't make the jump myself. I've got a terrible head for heights.

CAPTAIN: Then who?

DOCTOR 2: I've discovered your little secret. We're not all quite as we seem.

DOCTOR: Neat little machine, isn't it. And the image it projects might almost be real.

DOCTOR 2: Hello, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Hello. How are you?

DOCTOR 2: Oh, terribly well. Can't complain.

DOCTOR: Goodbye.

DOCTOR 2: Bye, bye.

DOCTOR: And just as I can switch off that image of myself, I can also switch off the image of another apparently real person.

NURSE: Try all you like, Doctor, it won't work on me. My new body has almost attained fully corporeal form. It can no longer simply be turned off. Guards, seize him!

CAPTAIN: Do as she says.

ROMANA: Here we are. This is the doorway. Can you open it?

PRALIX: Brothers, we shall direct our mind energies against the door. It shall open for us.

ROMANA: Pralix, look out!

ROMANA: Very impressive.

NURSE: Mister Fibuli, place the crystals in the machine.

FIBULI: Madranite one five.

ROMANA: Look out!

PRALIX: The power, it's gone. The power has gone.

ROMANA: Pralix, what happened?

PRALIX: I don't know. We can't tell. The contact between us has gone. We can't function.

ROMANA: Well, so much for the paranormal. It's back to brute force, I suppose.

NURSE: Is it working?

FIBULI: Yes, full power.

NURSE: Good. Now we'll show these zombies who rules here.

DOCTOR: So, Xanxia, the tyrant queen of Zanak.

NURSE: Bring the manifest.

DOCTOR: What about the real you? That wizened old body in the time dams back there.

NURSE: That thing is not me. This is now the real Queen Xanxia.

DOCTOR: Oh, no, no, no, not yet it isn't. Your new body's based on a cell projection system, I think.

NURSE: Permanent regeneration based on cells in my old body, and thus containing all the memory patterns and all the brilliance built up over the centuries.

DOCTOR: Ah, but it's still unstable, isn't it? You're still dependant on the last few seconds of life in the old body.

NURSE: I'm nearly complete. My molecular structure has almost bound together, finally and forever. That is why you could not turn me off.

DOCTOR: It won't work, you know. Believe me. I'm an old hand at regenerations. It can't be done that way. Those time dams back there, they just won't work.

NURSE: I have calculated every detail. I shall live for ever.

DOCTOR: Bafflegab, my dear. I've never heard such bafflegab in all my lives.

NURSE: You dare to mock me?

DOCTOR: Yes.

DOCTOR: Ow! Ah, now we're getting somewhere, aren't we.

NURSE: You shall die now for your insolence.

DOCTOR: No, Captain. Captain, listen to me. This concerns you. You're being used, you know. You're being used by her just to do her dirty work. And what's your reward, Captain? Eternal life?

NURSE: What do you know of eternal life?

DOCTOR: Enough to know it can't be sustained by those time dams back there.

NURSE: When this body becomes fully corporeal

DOCTOR: It never will. Not ever.

NURSE: My calculations

DOCTOR: Are wrong.

NURSE: No, impossible!

DOCTOR: Inevitable, because they are based on a false promise.

NURSE: I gutted my own planet Zanak for all the energy it contained. I've ransacked planets from Bandraginus to Calufrax. Do you think I'm going to stop now?

DOCTOR: What next, suns? It's no good. The energy needs of the time dams increase exponentially. There just isn't enough energy in the universe to keep them going for ever. In the end, you'll die.

NURSE: You're lying, trying to save your worthless neck.

DOCTOR: I just don't think it's worth all that effort. What do you think, Mister Fibuli? Captain? What do you think, Captain.

DOCTOR: Ah, so that's how you control him.

NURSE: The Mentiads must still be approaching. Captain, deal with them.

CAPTAIN: By all the

NURSE: I said, deal with them.

CAPTAIN: Mister Fibuli, seal the Bridge.

FIBULI: Aye, aye, Captain.

MULA: I get the feeling the Doctor's not in control here.

NURSE: We are impregnable. The Mentiads are powerless. The guards will pick them off at will. Captain, is Calufrax now entirely rendered?

CAPTAIN: Mister Fibuli?

FIBULI: Oh, er, yes, sir. All operations on Calufrax are now complete.

NURSE: And you have located a planet where we can find the mineral PJX one eight?

DOCTOR: PJX one eight? But, well, that's quartz.

FIBULI: Yes.

DOCTOR: Yes, but from where? Where?

FIBULI: It's the planet Terra in the star system Sol.

NURSE: Captain, we will mine that planet immediately. Prepare to make the jump.

DOCTOR: Earth? Earth? Do you really mean to go on with this madness? But Captain, Earth is an inhabited planet.

DOCTOR: Billions and billions of people. You can't be that insane.

NURSE: Jump immediately, Captain.

CAPTAIN: It'll take ten minutes to set the coordinates.

FIBULI: Ten minutes, Captain.

DOCTOR: You can't possibly succeed. The Mentiads will destroy you.

FIBULI: No, Doctor, not whilst we have the psychic interference transmitter.

DOCTOR: What, that?

FIBULI: Yes, yes. You see, whilst that is fully operational, the Mentiads are powerless. Oh, the doors.

DOCTOR: It's all right, I'll close it.

FIBULI: Thank you.

CAPTAIN: Stop him!

NURSE: Leave him. There's no time.

FIBULI: Dematerialisation minus nine minutes, Captain.

NURSE: Is the engine room still sealed?

FIBULI: Yes, sir.

NURSE: Then he can do no damage. Xanxia shall live.

DOCTOR: Kimus and K9?

ROMANA: They were with you.

DOCTOR: No, I sent them to sabotage the engines. The planet's about to jump again.

ROMANA: Doctor, we're fighting a losing battle. The Mentiads can't get their psychokinetic powers to work.

DOCTOR: Yes, I know. I know. They've got a psychic interference transmitter on the Bridge.

PRALIX: Here's Kimus.

KIMUS: It's no use, Doctor. The engine room is barricaded with steel inches thick.

DOCTOR: Where's K9?

KIMUS: I thought he was following on. His batteries are exhausted from trying to burn down the door.

DOCTOR: Listen, you and Mula stay here and cover us. The rest of us, the engine room.

ROMANA: What are we going to do, Doctor?

DOCTOR: I don't know.

K9: Master.

DOCTOR: Come on, K9, we need you.

K9: Batteries my exhausted nearly are.

DOCTOR: Listen, K9, that's all right. The Mentiads can still open the door if you can set up counter interference in the psychic plane. Wavelength three three seven point nine eight microbars. Can you do that?

K9: Negative, master. Recharge I imperative it is.

DOCTOR: That's all right, K9. You're still my best friend.

K9: Doctor.

DOCTOR: What? What?

DOCTOR: Oh, K9.

ROMANA: What did he say?

DOCTOR: He said there's a power cable right behind me. Quick, open his inspection hatch.

ROMANA: Right.

DOCTOR: That's it. K9, can you divert any of this current into your frequency projectors?

K9: Affirmative, master.

DOCTOR: Good boy. Keep it going, K9.

PRALIX: It's clearing. The buzzing, it's clearing.

DOCTOR: What? Enough to open a door?

MENTIAD: Brothers.

DOCTOR: More power, K9, more power.

PRALIX: Doctor, we're not nearly strong enough to open it.

ROMANA: Doctor, do you remember what happened when we first tried to materialise on Calufrax?

DOCTOR: Yes.

ROMANA: We couldn't because Zanak was trying to materialise in the same place.

DOCTOR: That's right. And if we couldn't materialise then neither can Zanak. Quick, back to the TARDIS. K9, keep generating power. Pralix.

PRALIX: Yes.

DOCTOR: Read my mind. What can you see?

PRALIX: A strip of metal

DOCTOR: Right.

PRALIX: Subdivided at one end with an acute angle halfway along.

DOCTOR: Right, right. Now, whatever happens, you keep concentrating on my mind. Come on, Romana. We've got a planet to save.

ROMANA: What were you thinking of, Doctor?

DOCTOR: A bent fork.

ROMANA: Why should anyone want to bend a fork?

DOCTOR: I haven't the vaguest idea.

ROMANA: Doctor, behind us. Guards.

DOCTOR: Cover your heads. We're almost there.

DOCTOR: Get off now.

ROMANA: Come on, Doctor.

DOCTOR: No, no, no, wait a minute. The inertia neutraliser. You know, I think the conservation of momentum is a very important law in physics, don't you?

ROMANA: Yes.

DOCTOR: I don't think anyone should tamper with it, do you?

ROMANA: No.

DOCTOR: No, nor do I.

DOCTOR: Newton's revenge. Come on.

FIBULI: Captain, sir.

NURSE: Yes?

CAPTAIN: Speak, Mister Fibuli.

FIBULI: The psychic interference transmitter, sir. There seems to be something counter-jamming it.

CAPTAIN: What? We dematerialise in three minutes. (broadcast) All guards on alert! Someone is using a counter-jamming frequency projector. Find it and destroy it immediately.

FIBULI: Captain, do you suppose any of the guards know what a counter-jamming frequency projector looks like?

CAPTAIN: Destroy everything!

ROMANA: Newton? Who's Newton?

DOCTOR: Old Isaac? Friend of mine on Earth. He discovered gravity. Well, I say he discovered gravity. I had to give him a bit of a prod.

ROMANA: What did you do?

DOCTOR: Climbed up a tree.

ROMANA: And?

DOCTOR: Dropped an apple on his head.

ROMANA: Ah, and so he discovered gravity.

DOCTOR: No, no, he told me to clear off out of his tree. I explained it to him afterwards at dinner.

ROMANA: There's the TARDIS, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Going in to land.

ROMANA: We'll never make it.

KIMUS: (to Mula) Wait here.

KIMUS: Pralix. Pralix, what's happening? Where's the Doctor?

PRALIX: I'm concentrating on the Doctor's mind. Do not disturb me.

MENTIAD: We're still too weak to move the door.

KIMUS: K9?

K9: Counter-jamming field increasing slowly.

KIMUS: Good. Good. I'd better get back.

DOCTOR: This is the most dangerous manoeuvre the TARDIS has ever attempted. Don't take it personally, old girl, just try and survive. Now, Earth coordinates?

ROMANA: Five eight zero four four, six eight four eight eight four.

DOCTOR: Good. Multiloop s*ab, synchronic feedback.

ROMANA: Doctor, if we're going to try and materialise at exactly the same point in time and space, how do we know when to do it? It only happened as a fluke the first time.

DOCTOR: That's a good point. Now, listen, Zanak could try to dematerialise at any moment. We've got to be spot on. You'll man the warp oscilloscope and the gravity dilation meter.

ROMANA: Right.

DOCTOR: They'll both peak when Zanak goes into demat and remat mode. Then brace yourself.

ROMANA: Right.

NURSE: How soon, Captain, how soon? This waiting is intolerable. We must jump. We must jump!

CAPTAIN: We are now ready.

NURSE: Then jump! Jump instantly!

CAPTAIN: Planet Terra, star system Sol. Galactic coordinates five eight oh double four, six eight four double eight four. Surround jump commences in five seconds. Four, three, two

ROMANA: Now, Doctor. Dematerialise now!

ROMANA: Doing well so far, Doctor.

FIBULI: Captain, sir. Captain! There was a slight disturbance in the warp oscilloscope during dematerialisation.

CAPTAIN: Monitor it. Prepare for rematerialisation. Surrounding Terra in five seconds.

ROMANA: Rematerialisation commence now.

CAPTAIN: Mister Fibuli, it's happening again.

NURSE: What is it, Captain?

FIBULI: It must be the Doctor's vessel, Captain, trying to materialise in the same space as us. Every circuit's jamming.

ROMANA: It's getting worse. There's no way we can survive this.

DOCTOR: It'll go on getting worse until one of us explodes or the Mentiads raise that door.

ROMANA: What are you doing?

DOCTOR: I'm opening a communications channel.

DOCTOR (OOV.): Pralix? Pralix, can you hear me?

PRALIX: Brothers, the Doctor is trying to reach me. We must concentrate together. It is too faint for me to hear.

DOCTOR: Romana?

ROMANA: Doctor?

DOCTOR: Switch off the TARDIS forcefield.

ROMANA: What? But that's madness! It's the only protection we've got.

DOCTOR: I know. Do it.

ROMANA: It's been nice knowing you, Doctor.

DOCTOR: And you.

PRALIX (OOV.): Doctor, are you there? What's happening?

FIBULI: Oh, Captain, it's getting worse! We must back off.

NURSE: More power, Captain. More power!

DOCTOR: Pralix? Pralix, do you have the strength to raise the door yet?

PRALIX (OOV.): No, Doctor. Our minds are so weak we couldn't life anything bigger than a spanner.

DOCTOR: Spanner? Spanner. That's it! A spanner in the works. Pralix, forget the door. Can you project your minds beyond it?

ROMANA: Doctor, the TARDIS is about to explode. It's going to explode!

DOCTOR (OOV.): There, on the floor.

DOCTOR (OOV.): Now, follow my movements. Macrovectoid particle analyser. Omnimodular thermacron. There! Megaphoton discharge link.

PRALIX (OOV.): What do we do?

DOCTOR (OOV.): h*t it.

DOCTOR: You can never relax for a moment in this job.

ROMANA: We've done it, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Yes, the question is, will we ever be able to do anything else again? Shall we try and materialise?

ROMANA: Yeah.

DOCTOR: Come on.

ROMANA: Is that her?

DOCTOR: Yes, that's her, the old harpy.

ROMANA: It's a pity we can't just switch her off.

DOCTOR: Yes. Any interference in the time dam field, though, would trigger off an expl*si*n that would blast us off this planet.

ROMANA: Well, what do we do then?

DOCTOR: I think we adapt the Captain's plan.

ROMANA: The Captain's plan?

CAPTAIN: Mister Fibuli, d*ad. d*ad. He was a good man.

NURSE: Pull yourself together, Captain. We can still defeat the rabble out there.

CAPTAIN: Somehow, somehow, Mister Fibuli, my friend, you shall be avenged.

DOCTOR: The Captain's trophy room. Well, what do you think?

ROMANA: Incredible. A masterpiece of gravitic geometry.

DOCTOR: Yes, obviously. All the forces cancel each other perfectly, otherwise Poof!

ROMANA: So all that shouting and blustering was just an act to lull Xanxia into a false sense of security while he built this.

DOCTOR: Yes. Let that be a lesson to you, my girl. Never take anything at its face value.

NURSE: Hurry, Captain, hurry.

KIMUS: Oh, it's no use. We can't get it open.

PRALIX: Then we Mentiads must try to open it.

MENTIAD: Brothers, our strength is increasing. It may be possible. Come.

DOCTOR: The Captain's plan, we must be able to use it.

ROMANA: But he'll have the controls on the Bridge.

DOCTOR: Yes.

ROMANA: Wait a minute. The only way the Captain could destroy Xanxia without bl*wing himself and this whole mountain to atoms would be to get inside the perimeter of the time dams without disturbing it, right?

DOCTOR: Right.

ROMANA: Which would require astronomic energy sources.

DOCTOR: Here they are, all perfectly balanced out.

ROMANA: So when he has enough of them, all he has to do is alter the balance slightly and create a standing vortex in the middle of the time field, so time starts up at the normal speed and the Queen dies.

DOCTOR: Right.

ROMANA: Brilliant! But I don't see how it helps us.

DOCTOR: And it wouldn't have worked anyway.

ROMANA: Why not? The theory's sound enough.

DOCTOR: Yes, but Calufrax isn't.

ROMANA: Calufrax?

DOCTOR: Is not a normal planet. It's an artificially metricised structure consisting of a substance with a variable atomic weight.

ROMANA: So that means Calufrax, the entire planet

DOCTOR: Is the second segment of the Key to Time.

ROMANA: Of course. No wonder the tracer kept going mad.

DOCTOR: Try it now.

ROMANA: What?

DOCTOR: The tracer. You have still got it?

ROMANA: I thought you had it.

DOCTOR: What?

DOCTOR: There.

ROMANA: But we can't move that. We can't move anything here. If we do, we'll just upset the whole system and create a gravity whirlpool.

DOCTOR: Not if I do something immensely clever.

NURSE: Have you done it? Is it ready?

CAPTAIN: Yes, Xanxia. At last I am ready.

NURSE: Captain, look.

CAPTAIN: I shall be free from you, you hag.

NURSE: What are you doing?

DOCTOR: No, Captain, don't! Don't do it! It won't work!

NURSE: Die, you fool! Die! And now, Doctor, it's your turn.

DOCTOR: No, please, I can explain everything.

NURSE: No, Doctor. Never again.

DOCTOR: No one else come in. No one else!

MULA: Are they d*ad?

DOCTOR: Well, the Captain certainly is, but Xanxia's another matter. You'd all better get out of here. This place is pretty unstable. Get down to the foot of the mountain.

KIMUS: What about you?

DOCTOR: It's all right, I'll follow on later. Off you go.

DOCTOR: Phew. Ah, look, this might be a bit tricky. I want you to go and find K9, take him back to the TARDIS and wait for me there.

ROMANA: What about you?

DOCTOR: Well, I've got a couple of things to do here. Please go. Please go. Go.

ROMANA: All right.

DOCTOR: Now, Captain, let me see.

ROMANA: What did you do on the Bridge, Doctor?

DOCTOR: You'll never believe it.

ROMANA: Try me.

DOCTOR: All right, I will. I've switched the Captain's circuits around to create a hyperspatial force shield around the shrunken planets, then I put his dematerialisation control into remote mode.

ROMANA: So we can operate them from here.

DOCTOR: Precisely.

ROMANA: But I don't see how that helps.

DOCTOR: What? Well, first I dematerialise the TARDIS, then I make Zanak dematerialise for a millisecond or two, then I invert the gravity field of the hyperspatial forceshield and drop the shrunken planets

ROMANA: Into the hollow centre of Zanak!

DOCTOR: Exactly.

ROMANA: What then?

DOCTOR: Well, I would have thought that was perfectly obvious. They expand in an instant to fill a hollow space and bang.

ROMANA: But what about Calufrax? How do we get hold of Calufrax?

DOCTOR: Well, naturally, Calufrax is flung off into the space time vortex and we pick it up later in the TARDIS.

ROMANA: Well, naturally. Oh, that's quite ingenious.

DOCTOR: Quite ingenious? It's brilliant. It's fantastic!

ROMANA: All right, it's fantastic.

DOCTOR: Fantastic. Right. Here we go then. There.

ROMANA: Congratulations.

DOCTOR: Clever, eh?

ROMANA: Fantastic.

DOCTOR: Yes.

ROMANA: But Doctor, haven't you forgotten something?

DOCTOR: Me?

ROMANA: What about the Bridge, and the time dams?

DOCTOR: Bridge and time. K9?

K9: Piece of cake, master. Blow them up.

ROMANA: Oh, isn't that rather crude?

DOCTOR: Oh, it's a bit crude, but immensely satisfying.

DOCTOR: Come on, Romana.

KIMUS: Doctor, when all this is over, will we really be free?

DOCTOR: I don't see why not. It's entirely up to you. You've got to make this world a better place to live in. You've got plenty of material wealth, but there are other things. The other lead, Romana.

ROMANA: I'll do it.

DOCTOR: Thank you. (to Kimus and Mula) Now, I think this is a good place in the universe to settle down. You've got reasonable sun, good neighbours and some quite convenient stars for when you get round to ordinary space travel. I think you're going to be all right here.

ROMANA: Ready, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Good. Next. (the Mentiads) What I want to know is am I going to blow up that Bridge, or are you?

PRALIX: We will.

DOCTOR: Good. I'll get out of the way while you concentrate.

DOCTOR: That was very satisfying. Come on, Romana, we've got a job to do.
{"type": "series", "show": "Doctor Who", "episode": "16x08 - The Pirate Planet - part 4"}