Receptionist: Mike Seaver!

Mike: Here's my number then.

Auditioner: Hello, Mike.

Mike: Oh, hi, very nice to meet you.

Auditioner: Are those prop books?

Auditioner: Mike, I usually get eight by tens for my actors.

Mike: Oh, oh, well...ah...see I'm just starting out, so I'm using two by threes.But I'm gonna work my way up.

Auditioner: What kind of experience do you have?

Mike: Ah, well...errm...I auditioned for a play at the Lincoln Centre, and I auditioned for the Swimmy the happy fish commercial, and I was this close to being a roll-on deodorant.

Auditioner: Now, this sh**t's next Thursday, will you be available?

Mike: I got the part!I got the part!

Auditioner: No, Mike, Mike, I'm just checking you're availability.Do you have school that day?

Mike: I'll drop out!

Mike: Ah...it doesn't matter what happens to me Sarah, but you've got a family who loves you...

Auditioner: Hang on, there's an ambulance on the way.

Mike: Sarah, I'm not gonna make Sergeant, am I?

Auditioner: Thank you.

Mike: You're welcome.

Auditioner: No, see, you're supposed to say goodbye, now.

Mike: Oh, oh, right.Goodbye.

Auditioner: Ha.He reminds me of a young Michael J.Fox.

Ben: You mean it?Really?Yes!Alright!

Carol: Good news, Ben?

Ben: The best of my life!I'm in the bake sale!

Jason: Maybe I've been sending you mixed signals, Ben.You want to go and toss the old football around?

Maggie: Hold on, Ben.You think, you can just tell me to make three hundred cookies, and leave.

Ben: Mom, you're the greatest.

Mike: Mom!Dad!The coolest thing happened today!You're never gonna guess what happened!Go on, take a guess!No, you'll never guess!

Carol: You're in the bake sale, too.

Jason: No.

Maggie: You got a part on television!

Mike: Yeah!On New York Heat!Produced...produced by Mr.Aaron Spelling.

Jason: Starring Morgan Chase!

Mike: Yeah.

Jason: You're gonna meet her!

Mike: Yeah!

Jason: Woo woo!She's a...She's very talented.

Mike: Yeah Dad, and I play Officer Bukowski, the heroic rookie cop, who takes a b*llet and dies in the line of duty!

Jason: You die!

Mike: Yeah

Maggie: Oh, that's wonderful!!

Carol: Well, why did they pick you, over a real actor?

Mike: A real actor?Ah.You know, I know we teased each other a lot over the years, Carol, but...I...I thought that maybe this time you'd understand; I mean this is my big break.I thought that just for maybe once, you'd be happy for me.

Carol: I was only kidding.I mean, that's just what Mike and I do.

Jason: Yeah, well maybe this time you've gone a little too far, Carol.

Carol: I'll go and apologise.

Mike: Not a real actor, rat breath.

Mike: No, no, no, Operah, my first role was not opposite De Niro in Street; it was on New York Heat.You know what, Operah, we have something in common...I'll tell you, I'll tell you...When I was on the cover of TV guide, they used Anne Margaret's body too.

Ben: Hey, Mike...

Mike: Oh, hey, hey, hey Benny!Did you hear the great news?

Ben: Yeah; you're gonna be on New York Heat.

Mike: Right!Did Mom and Dad tell you?

Ben: No, I heard Carol talking on the phone.She'd been calling all her friends and bragging about you.

Mike: This is our sister you're talking about?

Ben: Yeah, the one with the constipated look.

Mike: Well, well, well.This is very interesting.

Ben: You know, I always knew you'd end up on TV.But, I figured it would be on the News.

Mike: Hey, as long as you're here, you wanna help me run my lines?

Ben: Me?

Mike: Yeah, yeah, look.OK, now you can play, Officer Sarah McCauley.

Ben: You mean, Morgan Chase?

Mike: Yeah.

Ben: Ho ho ho!

Ben: I'm getting into character.

Mike: OK.Bang!Ah...ah.

Ben: Oh, Bukowski, that b*llet was meant for me; why'd you do it?

Mike: Oh...it doesn't matter what happens to me, Sarah, but you've got a family who loves you.

Ben: Hang on, there's an ambulance on the way.

Mike: Sarah, I'm not gonna make Sergeant, am I?

Ben: I see this every day, and I never get used to it.

Jason: Ben, homework, or no homework, we're tossing the football around.

Ben: Dad, see, we were just err...

Jason: Go on!I've gotta talk to Mike...and Ben, don't let your mother see you with those breasts.Mike...

Mike: Dad, Dad, look, I was doing my homework, alright?So, look, you don't have to worry, this...this part is not gonna interfere with my homework at all.

Jason: Forget school!

Mike: Huh?

Jason: Could you get me Morgan Chase's autograph?

Director: Stand-in!!You ready?

Mike: Ready.

Director: Roll 'em!Slate it!In one-twelve, take one!Marker!And...action!Wait for the cue...g*n!!g*n!!Switch!!And...action!

Actor: Bukowski's been h*t!Morgan Chase: Bukowski, I'm sorry!That b*llet was meant for me!Why'd you do it?

Morgan Chase: Bukowski, I'm sorry!That b*llet was meant for me!Why'd you do it?

Mike: Sarah, it doesn't matter what happens to me, but you have a family who loves you.Morgan Chase: Hang on!

Morgan Chase: Hang on!

Mike: Sarah.

Morgan Chase: Yeah.

Mike: I'm not gonna make Sergeant, am I?

Morgan Chase: You're just a kid.I see this every day, and I never get used to it.

Director: And cut!!!Was it good for you.OK, we got it.Let's move into closure.Nice job, kid!

Mike: Thank you, Richard.Hey, I owe you, Paul.Gracias, PJ.Dude!He said, nice job!!You wanna congratulate me?

Morgan Chase: Excuse me, Mike.

Mike: Wow, she knows me, by name.

Maggie: Ben, I made your cookies.Took me all day, but that's the joy of being the selfless mother, I am.

Ben: Mom, I forgot to tell you; I dropped out of the bake sale.

Maggie: What?

Ben: Well, see, when I told Laura-Lynn that Mike was gonna be on TV, she got all excited, so who needs cookies?

Jason: Want me to hold him, while you smack him around?

Maggie: I want you to sit down, right here young man, and eat these cookies...all three hundred of them.

Ben: Alright!!

Mike: They liked me...they really liked me!!

Jason: Hey!

Mike: Yeah!Yeah Dad, and the Director himself said, nice job!

Jason: Well that's great, Mike.

Maggie: That's great, honey!

Mike: Yeah, yeah, here's my contract, look!It says, Michael Seaver, here and after the artist.I am now legally an artist.

Ben: I'll get it.

Jason: Alright, our son's first contract.We're gonna get this framed, Mike!

Ben: Mike, it's Tony from the acting class.

Mike: Oh, oh, right.We gotta study tonight...errm...Tell him I'll call him back later.

Jason: And I'm glad to hear, you're keeping up with your school work too.

Ben: He'll call you back later.

Mike: Oh yeah, and Dad here's your autographed picture of Morgan Chase.

Jason: Oh!!Where'd you get the idea, I'd want one of those?

Mike: From you, Dad.

Jason: Carol, your brother knocked 'em d*ad today on New York Heat.

Carol: It's just a stupid TV show.

Mike: That hurts, Carol.You know, that really, really hurts.

Maggie: Carol!

Carol: Mom, he was just acting again.He's a good actor.

Jason: Well go tell him that.

Maggie: She had to have this re-touched, nobody is this gorgeous.

Jason: Oh...somebody is.

Maggie: Too little, too late.

Mike:(on the phone) I am not crazy, Tony.I have a reason for not studying for this test tomorrow.Look, with my acting career taking off, I don't need to study, I'm dropping out of school.Yeah, Tony, I'm serious.Look, I don't want you telling any one yet, alright?So just put a sock in your big...Carol!Look, Tony, I'll talk to you later, OK?Of course, I'm not dropping out of school, Tony, I was just kidding!Yeah, alright.Later.(puts the phone down) Oh, man, this acting stuff is almost too easy.

Carol: You weren't acting!You're really gonna quit school over one crummy acting job on one stupid TV show!

M ike: You're calling a TV show on ABC, stupid!

Carol: Yes, if it means you're gonna quit!Mike, think, or get as close to it as you can.I mean, what if this job was a fluke?I mean, what if you never work again?What if, this is the beginning of the end?A painful, lonely, bitter end, with your family as your only solace!

Mike: What if I flush you down my toilet?

Carol: I'd see your future there!

Mike: Oh, oh, you know Carol, I should have known that Ben was crazy when he told me that you were bragging to all you friends about me!!

Carol: What?

Mike: You have never, ever, in your entire life, believed in me.So how could you possibly understand this now?

Carol: Yes.

Mike: Good.

Carol: Mike, whether you know it or not, I love you, I support you, I'm on your side.

Mike: Well, I don't know what to say.

Carol: See, anybody can act!Bozo!

Ben: Five minutes to New York Heat.

Maggie: That's right, Mom, he plays Bukowski, the heroic rookie who takes a b*llet and dies in the line of duty.Oh, and you'll call Mark and Stacey for me?Great, thanks.

Jason: Is there anyone on Long Island who doesn't know that Mike's on TV tonight?

Maggie: Yes.

Mike: In less than five minutes, I will be seen by Producers and agents all across the country and they will be beating a path to my door.Wo ho, they're early!

Ben: No Mike, this is my lovely date.Stinky, what are you doing here?

Stinky: Hey Mike, thanks for having me at your debut.

Mike: Oh sure, hey it's real...

Ben: It's about time!

Laura-Lynn: What?

Ben: For the show to start.But you're as punctual as always, dear.

Laura-Lynn: That's better.

Ben: I'm sure you remember my brother.

Laura-Lynn: It's always enchanting to meet someone who's tasted celebrity.Stinky...fetch.May I have your autograph?

Mike: Oh, wow, sure!

Laura-Lynn: Sign it, to Laura, the sexiest blonde I know, your obedient servant, Michael Seaver.

Maggie: OK, I'll get the lemonade; you kids pick your seats.

Laura-Lynn: Thanks.

Ben: So, would you like to see the room where Mike grew up?

Laura-Lynn: Oh, that'd be lovely

Ben: This shirt used to be Mike's.

Laura-Lynn: Wow!

Ben: And the pants!

Carol: So, Mike have you dropped your b*mb yet?

Stinky: No, that was me.I'm sorry.

Jason: OK, everybody sitting close together.I wanna get everybody in this sh*t.

Mike: Dad!You're taping the show, and you're taping us watching it?

Jason: Yes I am銆?

Mike: OK, Mom, Dad, after the show I have a little announcement I'd like to make.

Carol: And you'll want to make sure you save plenty of tape for that.

Morgan Chase:(TV)I'm telling you you're making the biggest mistake of your life.You caught me at a bad time chief, can I call you back after I finish showering?There he is!He's about to make his move.Alright, get your hands up!

Mike: This is it!This is it!

Actor:(TV) Bukowski's been h*t!

Morgan Chase: Bukowski!I'm sorry, that b*llet was meant for me!Hang on, there's an ambulance on the way.

Mike: They cut my lines!

Maggie: You were wonderful!I'll get the cake!

Mike: Forget the cake!Don't you guys understand?My...my...my part ended up on the cutting room floor!

Jason: Well, don't be so hard on yourself.You were just on National TV!

Mike: But Dad, don't you get it, my lines were cut!

Stinky: I thought you were gonna talk in this show.

Mike: So did I.

Maggie: Oh, but honey when you got sh*t, you did a wonderful fall.

Mike: Mom, that was a stunt man!

Jason: The cough, the cough!It was a heck of a cough!

Mike: Dad, it wasn't even my cough; they dubbed it!I mean, he went, hahaha, and I went huhuhu.

Laura-Lynn: And I let you grope me for that!I feel so dirty.

Maggie: Oh, oh the credits.

Jason: Yeah, come on Mike!Let's get this in perspective here.Let's look at what you have accomplished.

Mike: Coughing Boy!!Michael Weaver!!

Stinky: Well, I had a lovely evening.Night Mike, Carol, doctor and Mrs.Weaver.

Maggie: Oh, honey, don't be upset.It was your first job, you did OK.

Jason: Yeah Mike, come on!They picked you!They paid you!They said you did a good job.Think of it as a learning experience.

Carol: Sort of like school.

Jason: Well, on a happier note...errm...Mike, what's the big announcement?

Mike: Announcement?Well err...

Carol: I'll tell them, Mike.

Mike: Err...No you won't.

Carol: Yes I will.

Mike: No, Carol.

Carol: Well, it's just that, you two shouldn't worry this'll go to Mike's head and make him drop out of school; because Mike knows he has a lot to learn, right Mike?

Mike: Err...Yeah!

Maggie: Mike, that's a very mature point of view.

Jason: I never doubted you for a minute.Let's eat that cake.

Mike: Alright, so what's going on here Carol?You covered for me.

Carol: OK, I'll admit it, I'm not totally grossed out to be related to you.

Mike: Oh, come on, don't go getting all mushy on me.

Carol: It's just that when I say you on TV before, I felt something about you that I've never felt before...it's pride.

Mike: Carol, you're....err...proud of me?

Carol: Yeah.Who knew?

Mike: So you really were bragging to all your friends about me?

Carol: Bragging is such a strong word.

Mike: So you really meant it when you talked about being on my side and supporting me and loving me?

Carol: Yeah.

Carol and Mike: Don't tell anyone about this.

Maggie and Jason: Wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa!
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "05x07 - Coughing Boy"}