Hallway. J.D. enters, heading towards the Nurses' Station with a cardboard box. He passes Todd, waiting around the corner.

J.D.: Todd, what are you doing?

Todd: Waiting for my moment.

J.D.'s Narration: OK, moving on. It was time for my new daily ritual: asking Dr. Cox to lunch.

J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox, what are you doing for lunch?

Dr. Cox: Not having it with you, Paula.

J.D.: Oh, good luck eating. This is every spoon from the cafeteria. And guess what? Today just happens to be soup and frozen yogurt day.

Elliot: Ooh! I'm gonna have, uh, tomato and strawberry.

Dr. Cox: Lunch for us, not going to happen. Normally, I'd tell you something harsh right about now, like "we're not friends," but then you'll just grin that stupid grin and shake your head back and forth, like "how could that possibly be true?"

J.D.: Because it's ludicrous.

Dr. Cox: Ah, just give me a spoon, will you please?

Dr. Cox: Oh, for goodness sake.

J.D.: You called my bluff, and today isn't soup and frozen yogurt day, it's actually salad and smoothie day.

Elliot: I'm still having tomato and strawberry.

Carla: I'm having a weird pregnancy craving. Hey, J.D., if you go out, would you give me a hot Italian sausage?

Todd: I got a hot Italian sausage for you right here! People think I just luck into these situations, but it's really a lot of hard work. You know what else is hard? I should go.

J.D.: I think I may vomit.

J.D.'s Narration: Some doctors like to change into their streets when they go out for lunch. Not me. I like how the world reacts to me as a doctor. Whether it's a friendly greeting from the world's slowest bagger...

World's Slowest Bagger: Hey there, Dr. Dorian.

J.D.: Lookin' good pal, eggs on top, OK? Eggs on top.

J.D.'s Narration: ...Or a smile from the manager of the herbal section.

J.D.: Hey, Rebecca, you got that Echinacea for me? Just kidding, you know I think all this stuff is voodoo. Good to see you. Hey, looks like somebody else is sick of that cafeteria stuff, huh?

Dr. Cox: Aw, now what the hell, do you follow me here?

J.D.: A friend dropped me off.

J.D.: EAGLE!

J.D.: Hey, wanna go splitsies on some deli counter meatloaf? I can't finish a whole serving. I mean I can, but I don't like to. It all goes right here.

Dr. Cox: God, could this be any more of a nightmare?

Jill: Guys!

J.D.'s Narration: Yes, it could be more of a nightmare. Jill Tracy was a former patient who had once tried to k*ll herself. Sad, yes, but this did not change the fact that she was unbelievably annoying.

Jill: Oh my God, what are you doing here? I was supposed to meet a guy for a date. I know what you're thinking, a Tuesday lunch date at the supermarket? He is so not into her. Well guess what? He's not!

J.D. & Dr. Cox: [forced laughter]

Jill: I waited for an hour just thinking "how many more guys from my yoga class can reject me before just saying enough," you know? Yogurt pretzels, oh yeah. These are addictive. I'm gonna have one anyway. So, you guys wanna grab some lunch?

J.D.: Oh, we have to get back to the hospital.

Jill: Bummer. Trail mix! Arrarrarr! Ha, I'm just kidding, I won't. Oh, stop, I'll have some.

Dr. Cox: You know what, Newbie, stay. Have lunch.

J.D.: One of those emergencies, I should probably go, too. How are things?

Jill: Mmm...

Rebecca: You know that's stealing.

J.D.: Oh, come on, Rebecca, everybody's doing it.

J.D.: I won't tell anyone if you don't.

Rebecca: Security!

J.D.: Security?

Rebecca: We've got a grazer.

J.D.: I don't think there's a security force at...

J.D.: OK, hey fellas.

Jill: Ha ha! Wherever you're taking him, take me, too! Nah, you go ahead.

J.D.: Where's the shaving cream, is that aisle two, still?

Hallway. J.D. walks through.

J.D.'s Narration: Today was a busy day at Sacred Heart.

J.D.'s Narration: We had three separate patients waiting for transplants. And we were doing everything we could to keep them alive until we could locate donors. There was Mrs. Sikes, who needed a new liver. There was Mr. Dennison, who needed a new heart valve. And then there was Dr. Cox's guy, Dave Bradford.

Dr. Cox: So, now, Davey-boy, I promise you, we're going to find you a kidney. I would literally swear on my father's grave, but whenever I go there, I usually just end up dancing on it.

Mr. Bradford: And so begins another round of "who had the worst dad." One of my pop's nicknames for me was Sparky, because he liked to light matches off my neck.

Dr. Cox: We've been over this before. You win on account of your father's not d*ad yet.

J.D.'s Narration: Most doctors stressed with so many people clinging to life. Dr. Cox vibed on it.

Dr. Cox: As I lie in bed each morning and ask myself why I should put both feet on the floor, there are precious few reasons that I've ever been able to come up with. A chance to escape Jordan's morning breath? Sure. Scotch! It's too early to drink it, yes, but people, it is never too early to think about. And of course, the ever present possibility that I might finally happen upon Hugh Jackman and be able to give him the present that I've been holding for him.

Dr. Cox: BAM! Still, the most persuasive argument I've ever been able to come up with is the fact that I get to come here, to this hospital, every day and help keep people alive.

Turk: That's ironic, because four people just died while you were talking.

Elliot: Look, we need to keep these people going until we can find donors.

Dr. Cox: All right, Barbie, go check on Mrs. Sikes' ammonia levels, she's encephalopathic.

Dr. Cox: Ghandi, review Dennison's chart and get me a consent.

Dr. Cox: Bobbo! Get on the horn to cronies at local hospitals and get me a donor update.

Dr. Kelso: Fine, some of the boys are coming over tonight anyway, I'll bring it up to Morrison while he sets up the projector for the stag flicks.

Dr. Cox: Just the organs, Bob, don't need the visual of old men with erections.

Carla: And now it's in my head forever.

Dr. Cox: Sorry, go step up Davey's dialysis to take your mind off of it.

Dr. Cox: Newbie, you feel like a sandwich?

J.D.: I do feel like a sandwich.

Dr. Cox: You feel more like a pastry, a very doughy pastry. I don't feel good about that. Way too easy.

J.D.'s Narration: I had one objective: Pick up everyone's lunch at the grocery store and get out of dodge.

J.D.: Whoa!

Jill: J.D.!

J.D.: Hey, Jill.

Jill: How weird is it that we're both here two days in a row?

J.D.: Mmm.

Jill: I was thinking there might be a 50% chance that the guy who blew me off yesterday just got his days wrong and would be waiting here with roses. Is that sad?

J.D.: It's not not sad.

Jill: Plus I have the whole day free. My shrink couldn't make our appointment. He found his third wife in bed with his second wife and got so depressed that he downed an entire bottle of his bulimic daughter's Prozac. So now he's back in the hospital.

J.D.: That's an awesome story, Jill.

Jill: It's true, Heh hee hee.

Elliot: Hey, what did you do last night?

Carla: Turk made me watch Anaconda with him.

Elliot: Oh, is that the one with the giant snake?

Todd: No, this is the one with the giant snake. I was back here for 45 minutes waiting for a setup. My back is k*lling me. But I nailed it. It's about commitment.

Carla: Hey, how could your intern used to sleep with him?

Elliot: She's a tramp with no morals.

Lisa: I never slept with the Todd.

Elliot: Lisa is sweet and people just don't give her a chance.

Carla: I wonder who else Todd lied about sleeping with.

Nurse #1: I didn't sleep with him.

Nurse #2: God no.

Nurse #3: Are you kidding me?

Gloria: Todd, is he the big, black security guard with the hook hand?

Elliot: Uh, no.

Gloria: Then no.

Mr. Bradford: So I am I ever getting out of here?

Dr. Cox: We haven't found you a kidney yet, but I have some ideas.

Mr. Bradford: Yeah, this will do.

J.D.: Ah, what the hell. I can live with one kidney.

Dr. Cox: Because we'll probably just go ahead and sell this one.

J.D.: Stay away from my organs!

Turk: Dude, what the hell are you doing?

J.D.: Having lunch. The cafeteria stinks and I can't go to the grocery store because apparently crazy Jill Tracy lives there. Every time I try and shop she follows me around, like I'm her only friend in the world. It's pathetic.

Turk: I'm gonna go talk to Carla.

J.D.: I'll come, too.

Turk: Figured.

Carla: Hey, why do think Todd lies about hooking up with all those women?

Elliot: Maybe he's just overcompensating. You know, my brother, Barry, used to brag about all the girls he was dating, right before he quit JV baseball and started dancing for Japanese businessmen.

Turk: Todd's not gay.

Carla: Turk, he has leather jeans in, like, three different colors.

Elliot: Barry used to dance in leather jeans. He'd come home and they'd be stuffed with yen.

Janitor: I'll tell you when I first suspected he was gay. It was very subtly, but...

J.D.: Oh, yeah, Dale, this is totally going to bring out your pecs. Plus, I'm using olive oil so I can lick it off later. Make 'em dance!

J.D.: Oh, they're dancing! Somebody's making them dance! Whooo-wee!

J.D.: Tell them it never happened!

Janitor: It happened. I was there.

Dr. Cox: I think I just got the move on signal from a hook.

Elliot, Turk & Carla: [in unison] Mmhmm.

Dr. Cox: Anyway, give me the update here.

Carla: Your guy Bradford's electrolyte and fluid balance are s*ab.

Turk: Mr. Dennison isn't looking so good. He's on max inotropes and still in failure.

Elliot: Mrs. Sikes is fully encephalopathic. Her ammonium level's through the roof. She's circling the drain.

Dr. Cox: Come on, now, let's try to keep these people alive. What do you say?

Lisa: Dr. Dorian? Can you help me?

J.D.: Sure, what's going on?

Lisa: She was admitted a short time ago and she hasn't regained consciousness. Tox screen's positive for cocaine.

Lisa: Do you think she could have OD'd?

J.D.: She had been, uh, stood up on a couple dates. And, uh, she hadn't seen her shrink in a while. She was definitely depressed.

Lisa: How do you know all that?

J.D.: She told me.

J.D.'s Narration: In hospitals, there are certain rules.

J.D.'s Narration: With surgeons, if the overcompensating, pumped-up, shaved-down doctor seems gay...

Turk: 'Sup, man, you trying a new workout?

Todd: No, why?

Todd: Oh, he's glistening.

J.D.'s Narration: ...He's probably gay.

J.D.'s Narration: And if there's good news for one doctor...

Dr. Cox: People, I've got our organs.

J.D.'s Narration: ...It probably means bad news for another.

Mrs. Tracy: You can use her organs.

J.D.: Thank you.

Mrs. Tracy: Just tell me this: Is there anything anyone could have done?

J.D.: [pause] No.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Unless you mean me.

ICU. J.D. enters.

J.D.'s Narration: It's amazing how quickly people improve once they get a new organ. Whether it's Mrs. Sikes, with her new liver, Mr. Dennison, with his new heart valve, or Dave.

Dr. Cox: How, uh, how does that new kidney feel, huh?

Mr. Bradford: It's a little loose. But I'll get used to it.

Dr. Cox: Yeah you will.

Mr. Bradford: Hey, thanks for everything, man.

Dr. Cox: Don't sweat it.

Dr. Cox: All right, people, gather round, here we go. Now, I'm sure we all recognize how rare it is to get a win like this, but seeing as we're surrounding by patients who are clinging to life, I'm going to give kudos in whisper form. [whispering] And since I am an egomaniac, first props come to me. Let me hear it, people.

Turk: [whispering] You are some kind of superhero.

Carla: [whispering] You're a god.

Elliot: [whispering] You're a beautiful healer.

Dr. Cox: [whispering] This was not a complete and total solo effort. It was an extraordinary job done by each and every one of you.

Dr. Kelso: I can't hear a word he's saying.

Dr. Cox: Be older, Bob.

Dr. Kelso: Oh, just because I can't hear your silly-ass whispering, it doesn't mean I'm old. Matter of fact, I'm going over to my office to tinker with my new computer.

Turk: Ooh, what kind is it?

Dr. Kelso: It's about 3:30. Ha ha ha ha! I heard what he said, people, but damn that joke's a classic.

Dr. Cox: And why are you not giddy with praise, like those other people. Don't you know I dole out compliments at most once a year? And like a squirrel, you must gather these acorns of kind words to sustain you for the upcoming cold, sarcastic months.

J.D.: Any idiot could have seen that Jill was in trouble. I'm supposed to be a doctor, and I'm the reason she's d*ad.

J.D.'s Narration: Then he said the words I never expected to hear.

Dr. Cox: Why don't you and I go grab some lunch. That'd be good. Come on.

Elliot: Oh, my God, he looks so sad.

Carla: I just want to hold him like a big, gay baby.

Turk: Ugh, this is incredible. An hour ago, you guys hated him.

Carla: An hour he wasn't our new, gay best friend.

Turk: Leave the Todd alone, OK? Because every time you two meddle, you know who suffers? Me. Remember when the Janitor took that chiropractic class and you guys wanted to encourage him?

Turk: Guys, uh, I'm really not comfortable with this.

Janitor: Now, now, you'll be fine. I've already done this on four mop heads, all right? Haven't had a complaint yet.

Janitor: OK.

Turk: Oh.

Janitor: On three. One, two...

Turk: AAAHH!

Janitor: Better? Yes?

Turk: WWAAAAAAHHAAAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!

Elliot: You're fine. We're doing this.

Turk: Does this sound fine to you?

Janitor: I can fix that, buddy. On the count of three. One, two...

Turk: Ooohh!

Janitor: Yeah?

Turk: No.

Janitor: You owe me 500 dollars.

Surveyor: Excuse me, could you spare a few minutes for AIDS research?

Dr. Cox: Yes, I can, but I'm not sure just how much we'll get done. I tell you what. We'll go over here and brainstorm while we wolf down these sandwiches. Newbie, come.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Vintage Cox.

J.D.: You know what I was thinking the whole time I was havig lunch with Jill?

Dr. Cox: What's that?

J.D.: God, this girl's annoying.

Dr. Cox: I saw her in that supermarket, too, but I'm not torturing myself. Would you like to know why?

J.D.: Why?

Dr. Cox: Because she didn't come to the hospital looking for help. We just randomly bumped into her out here in the world. I mean, don't get me wrong, if a guy gets sh*t, or if he has a heart att*ck and I am physically the closest doctor to him, I will intervene. But shy of that, you can't. I mean, you just can't. It's too much to ask of yourself.

J.D.: OK, I hear you.

Dr. Cox: No, you don't. Once you start blaming yourself for deaths that aren't your fault, my friend, that's a slippery slope that you can't come back from. And trust me, I've seen it ruin a hell of a lot of good doctors and I will not let it happen to you.

J.D.'s Narration: And because he said that, I knew it wouldn't.

Elliot: Game time. Let's go.

Carla: Todd? Do you have a second?

Todd: I was actually on my way to the gym.

Carla: That's kind of what it's about.

Todd: Whoa. Did something happen to the gym? Don't lie to me.

Elliot: We know about your...

Carla: ...Situation.

Elliot: You are hiding from yourself.

Carla: Stop hiding, Todd.

Elliot: We accept you.

Carla: No matter who you love.

Todd: The Todd's confused.

Elliot: [to Carla] He was like a little baby. [to Turk] Ah ha, well you were wrong. It went great. I mean, at first, the Todd was a little emotional, but by the end of it, he was saying how happy he was that he didn't have to lie. And then he French-braided my hair, and then took it out because he said I could not pull it off. Oh, he is so honest.

Carla: It was great, it was like he changed into a whole new person. God, how awesome is it gonna be without that inappropriate pig wandering the halls anymore?

Todd: Hey, Mickhead? Is that package for me? You know it is!

Turk: You ladies must be so proud.

Elliot: Todd, what -- what are you doing?

Todd: I'm getting my gay on. Hey, buddy, you and I should totally have sex some time.

Turk: See, I knew this would come back to me.

Dr. Cox: What the hell is going on?

Turk: Everybody's failing. Mrs. Sikes is indicating peripheral neuropathy, my valve transplant patient's suffering partial complex seizures.

Dr. Cox: How, uh, how're you feeling, there, Davey?

Mr. Bradford: Pretty good. But my feet are a little numb.

Dr. Cox: You hang tight, all right?

Mr. Bradford: OK.

Dr. Cox: I don't get it. I don't get, That doesn't make sense.

Dr. Kelso: Perry, the autopsy just came in on your donor, Jill Tracy. She didn't die of an overdose.

J.D.'s Narration: And just like that, whatever burden of responsibility I felt was lifted. But like I said before, good news for one person can mean bad news for another.

Dr. Cox: She died of rabies? [pause] OK, people, all of our transplant patients are infected. We now know what we're dealing with. Let's get involved, we can do this. [whistles]

Surgeon: Todd, you were impressive in surgery today.

Todd: Thanks, man, you were really impressive in the shower this morning. You know, dong-wise.

Carla: Todd!

Todd: What?

Carla: Stop it!

Elliot: The whole point of coming to grips with your sexuality was to accept yourself and stop being that guy.

Todd: I'm sorry. This whole change is just scaring me. I'm not sure who I am anymore.

Carla: Come here.

Elliot: Oh, get over here, sweetie.

Todd: Oh.

Elliot: It's OK, let it out.

Carla: We're here for you.

Todd: Ohh..

Todd: Brbrbbrbrbrbrbrb...

Carla: WHOA!

Elliot What the hell are you doing?!

Todd: Motorboating. You know, I really gotta thank you gals for outing me. Chicks dig gay dudes.

Todd: Hey, Lisa. I heard you lied and said we didn't do it. Admit it. We doinked.

Lisa: I was sad because my dad died.

Todd: I wasn't.

Carla: So this whole thing was an act?

Elliot: Oh, my God, I cannot believe I let you into that fitting room yesterday while I was trying on bras.

Carla: Ew.

Todd: That was a very special time for me.

Elliot: Ohh.

Carla: Unbelievable.

Elliot: He saw the girls.

Todd: Oh, it's cool if you want to walk away, ladies, 'cuz I love to watch you go.

Todd: Nothing wrong with those.

Todd: Nothing wrong with that either.

Todd: Or that.

Todd: Or that. Phew.

Janitor: What the hell are you?

Todd: I'm the Todd.

J.D.'s Narration: We did everything we could over the next few days to keep the transplant patients going, but odds were against us.

J.D.'s Narration: First we lost Mrs. Sikes...

J.D.'s Narration: ...And then Mr. Dennison.

J.D.'s Narration: And I knew that Dr. Cox needed me the exact same way I needed him earlier.

J.D.: Hey. Hungry?

Dr. Cox: No.

J.D.: I guess that lunch was kind of a one time thing, huh?

J.D.: There's no way you could have seen that coming. I mean, rabies? Come on, there's, like, three reported cases a year. In fact testing for it would have been irresponsible. You would have wasted time those people didn't have.

Dr. Cox: I was obsessed with getting those organs.

J.D.: You had to be. The fact is, those people were going to die in a number of hours and you had to make a call. I would have made the same call.

Dr. Cox: Yeah?

J.D.: Yes. Now I got us lunch. And I think we should eat it.

J.D.: Right then I knew I was going to pull him out of this. But unfortunately, sometimes the hospital picks a day where it's just going to pile it on.

Dr. Cox: Oh, God. Come on.

Dr. Cox: Clear!

Dr. Cox: Still in V-tach, clear!

Dr. Cox: Come on. VF, Clear!

Dr. Cox: Aw, come on. Come on, Come on! GOD! GOD, GOD!

Dr. Cox: He wasn't about to die, was he, Newbie? Could have waited another month for a kidney.

J.D.: Where are you going? Your shift's not over. Hey! Remember what you told me? The second you start blaming yourself for people's deaths...there's no coming back.

Dr. Cox: (faces J.D.) Yeah...you're right.
{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "05x20 - My Lunch"}