Airport loudspeaker:  Attention, passengers…

Joni:  You have to lift up the sign so he can see it.

Joni: Evan.

Hayes: Hey, buddy. Aren't you excited to see your Uncle Brant?

Evan: No.

Hayes: No? I think you are. I think something else is making you upset. You know I'm leaving soon, and it's okay to be upset about that, but, hey, do you remember what I told you when we were watching wrestling on Saturday night?

Evan: Yeah. That you and Uncle Brant are like the Reaper Brothers.

Hayes: That's right. And Uncle Brant has been in the ring a whole year. Now it's time for daddy to tag in. But while I'm away, I need you in your Uncle's corner, making sure he keeps you and your mom safe. Can you help me with that? (Evan nods) Good. Now let's get ready with that sign.

Airport loudspeaker: (in the background) Attention, ladies and gentlemen, we are now boarding at Gate 47.

[They spot some soldiers coming in from the gate]

Hayes: (to Evan) Now. (Evan holds up the sign)

[As Brant comes down the escalator, it is now obvious that he is being escorted rather than accompanied, by the other soldiers. Two MPs hold on to each of Brant’s arms. Three other soldiers follow behind them. Hayes motions for Evan to put down the sign and steps forward toward the soldiers]

Hayes: Brant, what happened?

MP: Captain please step aside.

Hayes: Sir, this is my brother. What's going on?

MP: Pfc Macklin has been charged with treason.

Hayes: Oh, so there's got to be some mistake.

Brant: I'm sorry.

[The soldiers move quickly away from Hayes. When they are about 20 ft. away, Brant collapses and appears to be having a seizure. Hayes runs toward his brother]

Hayes: Brant! Brant! Brant!

[Hayes is stopped by one of the MPs]

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene opens on a grainy video of men walking down a dirt street. It is a military video]

Adams: Army apparently thought they were clearing an insurgent hideout. After this was leaked on Saturday, the A.P. investigated.

[The men in the video do not look thr*at. One is carrying a white cloth, another opens his arms as if in surrender or greeting. The camera now focuses on House (sitting) and the team (standing behind him), who are watching the video with grave looks on their faces. From the video the sound of g*n can be heard]

Adams: 34 civilian casualties. Six kids.

Foreman: There will be MPs stationed at every entrance to the second floor, as well as outside his patient room.

House: No. Don't do that. Every time there's people in uniform in the cafeteria, they get served first.

Foreman: Make sure your IDs are clearly visible. I'll speak with the cafeteria staff about showing more disrespect. 20 year-old male, generalized tonic-clonic seizures. Army Docs scanned for structural abnormalities. EEG was normal. So was—

House: Do you need me to sign for this?

Foreman: Let me know if you need anything. Like a transfer.

[Foreman leaves. The team members sit down around the table and all pick up their copies of the patient file, except for Chase, who already holds a copy and has been reading it throughout the viewing of the video]

Chase: Typhus?

House: Patient has no hair. Probably means no lice.

Adams: Leishmaniasis.

Park: No fever. Why couldn't they take care of him at a military hospital?

House: I think because they wanted to annoy you. Any other conscientious objectors?

Park: So, I'm the only one who has a problem when someone whose duty's to protect our country bl*wing—

House: bl*wing the whistle is honorable precisely because it's not dutiful. Sorry, you said bl*wing. Maybe you were going somewhere else with that.

Park: He's a coward.

Adams: He risked his freedom.

Park: He anonymously downloaded a computer file from a secure page and uploaded it to an unsecure page. Not exactly storming Omaha Beach. The EEG was normal because he was faking it to avoid going to prison.

House: Let's treat him with not medicine.

[House picks up Adams’ purse from the floor beside her chair. He reaches into it and takes out a disc of birth control pills]

Adams: (reaching for the pills) Give those back.

House: Why? You got 28. You can share.

[Cut to the team walking down a hospital corridor]

Adams: Something's going on with House. He just seemed off. Didn't even notice that I walked out of the room with this. (She holds up House’s red coffee mug)

[They all pause for a moment at a corridor intersection]

Chase: You began to suspect he was off when he didn't notice the mug you stole to see if he was off? What else didn't he notice that you don't want us to notice?

Park: (pointing) Those are the same clothes you wore yesterday.

Taub: And you got very defensive when House took your birth control.

Chase: Who was he? Or better yet… she?

Adams: Do I need to explain the physiology behind birth control? Attention deficit in a man who has no attention deficits has to be symptomatic of something.

Taub: You're right. I'm thinking either massive brain tumor, or his soap got canceled and he's distracted.

Adams: Could be dietary. Refsum.

Park: Or maybe he thinks you just have more than one non-descript white blouse.

Adams: Or serotonin syndrome. I'm not saying he's definitely sick. I'm just saying we should look into it.

Chase: No, we shouldn't. If you believe House is sick, it's only because that's what he wants you to believe.

[Chase and Taub head on down the hallway. Park turns down another hallway]

Park: (to Adams) Let's go.

[Cut to Adams and Park talking to Brant in his room. Hayes is sitting in a visitor chair]

Adams: (pouring water from a pitcher into a glass) We think the long flight home allowed clots to form in your leg.

[She hands the water and a pill (in a small cup) to Brant]

Adams: Take this pill. (Brant swallows the pill) If you feel any numbness in your leg after a few minutes, it means we're right and you should get comfortable, because you're gonna be here for a while.

Park: (to Brant) While we wait, can you tell me why?

Brant: It was the right thing to do.

Park: There are reports that insurgents are using your video to recruit new members.

Brant: Making the voting public aware of what's really happening on the ground will help bring our troops home faster. (Hayes grunts) My brother's grunt means he disagrees.

Hayes: I think you're being naive. And I know you took an oath. If you want to influence policy, run for office.

Brant: Dad raised us to believe that exposing the truth is honorable. Hayes likes to follow the rules.

Hayes: Yeah, because that's what Dad taught us was honorable. You were ten when he died. You couldn't possibly have any idea—

Brant: if Dad always believed in blindly following the rules, how do you explain Tora Bora? (to Park and Adams) My dad was commanding a Special Forces unit. He lost communication with his men. They were assumed d*ad. He was ordered to abandon them and focus on the primary mission. He disobeyed that order, went and found his men still alive, and fighting. He saved their lives.

Adams: Did he die in service? If it was something genetic, it could help us.

Hayes: It won't help. It was a one-car accident.

Brant: That's the army's official story. My brother's naïve on this and… I can't feel my leg.

Adams: I'll get the discharge papers.

Brant: I have a blood clot.

Park: No, you don't. We gave you a placebo to see if you'd fake another symptom to delay going to prison.

Hayes: Wait a second. He's not faking.

Park: Because that's not the way your Dad raised him?

Hayes: Yes.

Brant: My stomach hurts too. What's going on?

[Adams moves to the bed and opens Brant’s gown to reveal bruising on his stomach]

Adams: He's not faking.

[Cut to the diagnostics conference room. House and the team are gathered around the table. House knocks back a container of wintergreen Tic Tacs]

Chase: Just because he's got abdominal bruising doesn't mean he wasn't faking the numbness.

Adams: He's not contesting the treason charges. If his code of honor is that strong, he's not gonna bother faking symptoms.

House: (tossing the Tic Tacs onto the table) Pleading guilty is not honorable. It's just stupid.

Adams: A distal esophageal rupture can lead to compartment syndrome in his thigh — explains both symptoms.

Taub: No pain when he swallows.

House: What is honor? Dying for your country? Getting straight As? k*lling your daughter because she had the audacity to get r*ped?

Taub: Ruptured triple-A.

Park: Doesn't explain the seizures.

Chase: Pancreatitis. Gallstones obstructing his pancreatic duct.

House: (getting up and going to the minifridge) People define honor as whatever makes them feel honorable. It's a circle going nowhere. Which I guess is what circles do.

Taub: We'll ultrasound his belly and look for the obstruction.

[Chase, Taub, and Park all leave. Adams stays behind]

Adams: (holding out a paper to House) I need your signature on this order. The Army's leaning on Foreman to make sure this is done by the book.

[House has taken a beverage out of the minifridge and if preparing to take a sip]

House: Didn't need an order for his last treatment.

Adams: This last treatment wasn't a treatment.

House: Forge it.

Adams: I will. From now on. But I need the original so I know what to forge.

[Cut to Wilson in a Clinic exam room. The patient is middle-aged man. With him is his date]

Gloria: We were having coffee when the dizziness started.

Wilson: Business meeting?

Mel: Date. Our first. We met at the 98 Cent store.

Gloria: We were reaching for the same tube of cheese.

[Wilson is looking inside Mel’s nose with a light scope]

Wilson: Huh.

[The exam room door opens and Adams peeks in]

Adams: I'm sorry.

Wilson: Yeah.

Adams: I need to talk to you.

Wilson: Just about done.

Wilson: Good news, based on her thrifty shopping habits and taste for artificial dairy she's clearly not a gold digger. Bad news, based on his rhinotillexomania, he is. Compulsive addiction to nose-picking. A small cut on the inside of the left nostril led to an infection in the cavernous sinus.

Gloria: It was very nice meeting you, Mel. (She heads for the exam room door)

Mel: It's not true. Gloria, wait, I can change.

[Mel follows Gloria out of the room. Adams closes the door and turns to Wilson]

Adams: (holding up some papers as Wilson strips off his gloves) My PPTH contract. House signed it six months ago. He signed this today. (She holds up the treatment order House signed)

[Wilson takes both the contract and the treatment order out of her hands and examines them]

Adams: His hands are unsteady. Given his Vicodin abuse, I think he has hepatic encephalopathy. He's been forgetful, inattentive.

Wilson: Dominika's been trying out new knish recipes. One of them didn't agree with him. A little sleep deprivation could account for his forgetfulness and inattention. He loads up on caffeine. That explains a jittery hand.

Adams: Maybe. But if I'm right, his liver's in decline. It's curable, but if he doesn't get treatment, it could actually be fatal.

Wilson: This happens all the time. One of the symptoms of working for House — you start seeing zebras everywhere. There's nothing wrong with him.

[Wilson hands the papers back to Adams and she leaves, but Wilson does not look as unconcerned as he pretended to be]

[Cut to Wilson opening the door of Clinic exam room #2. It is dark and House is lying on the exam table]

Wilson: House.

House: Shh. I'm with a patient.

[Wilson flips on the lights to reveal a man asleep in a chair with his head on a table]

House: Sleep study.

Wilson: (picking up a pill bottle and reading the label) You drugged him?

House: (looking at Wilson) I didn't say the study was voluntary.

Wilson: (putting his hands on his hips) I think you're sick.

House: What, 'cause I'm sleeping in the clinic like I always do?

[Wilson tosses the pill bottle to House. It hits the exam table and falls to the floor]

Wilson: Slow reaction time.

House: Because I just woke up from sleeping in the clinic like I always do.

[House supports his bad leg and starts to sit up]

Wilson: You're forgetful.

House: Sorry. What did you say?

Wilson: You forgot that we were supposed to have lunch.

House: I didn't forget. I was sleeping, in the clinic—

Wilson: I'd like to run some tests.

House: For what? Where's this coming from?

Wilson: Hepatic encephalopathy. I've watched you destroy your body with Vicodin for years. I'm surprised your liver's lasted this long. I'll do the examination myself.

House: While having you juggle my jewels sounds interesting, there's no such thing as friends with benefits. It always gets weird.

[House lies back down on the exam table. Wilson turns out the lights and leaves, shutting the door behind him]

[Cut to Brant’s hospital room. There are two MPs guarding the door. Chase and Park are preparing to do an ultrasound of Brant’s abdomen]

Chase: Your friends out there are getting a little handsy.

Brant: Get enough death thr*at, eventually they start taking them seriously.

Hayes: A convoy was h*t outside of Kunar Province. Eight American soldiers were k*lled.

Brant: Army spokesperson's claiming that it's revenge for the att*ck that I made public. Better me take the blame than them.

Park: You don't think you're to blame at all?

Brant: And you do. Like everyone else. A strike like that would take more than three days to plan.

Hayes: So the next one might be your fault?

Chase: Lateral view looks good. If you have such a negative opinion of the army, why did you enlist?

Brant: I needed to find out what really happened to my dad. There were two redacted pages in his service record. Going into intelligence was the quickest way to up my security clearance.

Chase: Then why would you leak that video?

Brant: Part of my job was to grab a cup of tea with the locals. The face time is supposed to make them more likely to trust us with sensitive information, but they became my friends. If there was another att*ck, civilian casualties, and I had done nothing…

Park: Your spleen, it's enlarged. We should do a biopsy and look for any—

Chase: (looking at Brant’s catheter bag, which contains red urine) He's got urinary bleeding.

Park: (who notices that he is bleeding at the IV site on his hand) Not just urinary.

Chase: Call the blood bank.

Hayes: What's happening to him?

[Chase examines Brant’s face. Brant looks confused and out-of-it]

Chase: His spleen must be sequestering platelets.

[The monitors start beeping]

Park: He's bleeding too fast to wait for a platelet infusion.

Chase: We need to squeeze his spleen to release the ones he's got. Tell the O.R. we're on our way.

[Cut to the O.R. Chase is operating on Brant. Taub and Adams are assisting]

Taub: Pressure's dropping.

Chase: Almost there.

Taub: BP's 70 over 40, and he's hypovolemic.

[Chase reaches inside Brant’s abdomen and squeezes his spleen. A computer generated graphic shows platelets being released from Brant’s spleen. A monitor beeps]

Adams: Pressure's rising.

Taub: And he's starting to clot.

Chase: Good news is we can control the bleeding. Bad news is… Bleeding's not the problem. Unless spleens are supposed to be lumpy.

[Cut to Adams talking over a combat video game being played by House and Taub in the diagnostics conference room. Chase, Park, and Adams are looking at test results]

Adams: He's clotting, but CT confirms splenic nodules.

Dr. Taub has an interesting theory.

Taub: No, I don't.

House: You're forfeiting? 'Cause if you can't play the game and work…

Taub: Extramedullary hematopoiesis.

Park: No history of anemia.

House: She's right. You're an idiot. Try again.

Taub: Where I come from, this is called cheating.

House: Where's that? Stickford-upon-anus?

Taub: TB.

Chase: PPD's negative. Could be bru—

House: Don't interrupt Dr. Taub.

Taub: Brucellosis. (to House about the game they are playing) You just took out a family of four.

House: They were clearly armed insurgents, and anyone who claims or proves otherwise is a traitor. No rash or back pain.

Adams: You defend the patient for being a whistleblower, then att*ck him for being an honorable whistleblower. Now you defend him for being a maligned, honorable whistleblower?

House: Adjectives matter. Hate nurses, love naughty nurses. Taub, pitch again.

Taub: I've pitched like five—

House: It's your turn.

Taub: Lymphoma.

Adams: If cancer caused his seizures, we would have seen cerebral masses on his head CT.

Taub: (referring to the game) Yes!

House: Taub, pitch again. Now.

[Taub is having trouble concentrating on both the differential and the game at the same time]

Taub: (talking fast) The nodules in his spleen were granulomas. He's got sarcoidosis!

House: Someone tell him he's wrong.

Chase: Sorry, House. Sarcoid does explain the seizures.

Park: And the bruises.

Taub: (loudly) Say bye-bye, House.

[House’s game avatar gets blown up. The game is over, and Taub won]

Taub: (jumping up jubilantly) Yes! Yes!

House: (plopping down on the couch) Sarcoidosis it is. Treat with steroids. Then come right back here, 'cause I'm not gonna rest until I've made orphans of all your virtual children.

[Cut to the team walking down a hospital corridor]

Adams: House never loses.

{They stop walking to talk]

Taub: Seriously? Me beating House is medically significant?

Park: It could be. Reduced fine motor control. Add that to inattention and liver flap. It does make sense.

Adams: We have to talk to Foreman.

Taub: No, we don't. First of all, because I can b*at him in that game. And, second, even if you are right, there's no reason to believe that House's medical judgment is impaired.

Adams: So we should wait until he kills someone for confirmation?

Chase: You really think it's a coincidence that we're treating a whistleblower and now talking about bl*wing the whistle on House? You're right. Playing dumb, messy signature, losing a video game — it's way too complicated to fake.

[Cut to Chase and Taub preparing to treat Brant with steroids. Hayes is also in the room]

Brant: No. I won't take it.

Taub: Without this injection, you could have a fatal arrhythmia.

Brant: Tell Major Mathewson that I'm not taking any more treatment until they give me a live television interview.

Hayes: You can't really think they'll agree to that.

Brant: People need to know the tape's not the reason for that att*ck. They need to know why I did this.

Taub: The people who think you're a traitor will still think you're a traitor, and the people who think you're a hero will still think you're a hero.

Brant: The truth makes a difference.

Hayes: If Dad were here, he'd be begging for you not to do this.

Brant: If Dad were here, he'd be proud of me.

[Cut to Major Mathewson leaving Foreman’s office. Hayes, Taub, and Chase wait outside. Foreman shakes his head as the Major leaves]

Taub: The conspiracy theorists are gonna go nuts if the patient dies.

Foreman: I told him that, and he told me that option is still less damaging than giving the kid a national platform.

Hayes: So what do we do now?

Taub: You explain to your brother that he overplayed his hand.

Hayes: That won't make any difference. The idiot thinks he's doing the right thing.

Chase: What if we convinced a court that his refusal is part of an underlying psychiatric disorder? They assign a conservator. We do what we want.

Foreman: Fraud. Great.

Chase: Narcissistic personality disorder. Both the leaking of the tape and the refusal of treatment indicate that he has no fear of consequences.

Foreman: So instead of defrauding the court, you'll waste their time? No way a judge classifies a personality disorder as a mental illness.

Taub: If a decorated military officer, who happened to be the patient's brother, corroborates, they might.

Hayes: So you want me to sign a piece of paper that says my brother is crazy for doing what he thinks is right?

Taub: I want you to save his life. His heart could go at any time.

Hayes: He's a fool, but he's not crazy.

Chase: The patient was refusing treatment because of honor, and his brother is refusing to be his conservator because of honor.

[Taub approaches the group]

House: Oh, good. Taub's cured the patient.

Taub: I had to go to the bathroom.

House: Bathroom's that way. You just ran in from that way.

Taub: That one's been out of order for two days. I had to go up to the third floor.

[House gets up and heads toward the out-of-order bathroom. The rest of the team follows along]

Taub: I'm not lying. It's out of order.

House: I believe you. I'm gonna fix it.

Chase: We could treat if he doesn't know he's being treated. Lace his sponge bath?

Park: It would take too long to reach his bloodstream.

Adams: What if we aerosolize steroids and blast the room?

House: Speaking of which…

[House enters the men’s room, and the team tags along]

House: It'd be too hard to get the prednisone concentrations right. No one fixes anything unless they have a compelling reason.

[House enters the stall with the out-of-order sign on it]

House: If we're gonna treat, we have to give him a compelling reason, something that he wants more than an interview. (loudly) f*re in the hole!

[Cut to Brant’s hospital room. Brant is holding paper file]

Chase: A signed order from Major Mathewson. They've agreed to declassify the redacted pages from your father's service record. In two days, you'll have all your answers.

Taub: But the only way you'll live long enough to get the truth is by accepting treatment.

Brant: I don't trust the Army to follow through on this.

Hayes: But you trust me. I'll make sure those pages get here.

Brant: (handing the file to Hayes) Okay. (He allows Taub and Chase to treat him)

[Cut to Chase and Taub leaving the room after treating Brant]

Chase: Selfishness is apparently honorable now. He wanted to create change. Instead, he's just satisfying his own curiosity.

Taub: He's getting the truth. Most he could hope for. I need to take a dump. Specifically, House's dump.

Adams: You set this up?

Taub: All it took was showing up two minutes late and a $2.00 sign. (He turns away from the microscope) Bile deposits are irregular. House's liver is failing.

[Chase walks over and presses a key to bring the microscope view up on the computer monitor. They all look at it with grim faces]

Chase: Cognitive impairment will get progressively worse.

**

Taub: What's going on?

Brant: My foot. It's k*lling me.

[Taub pulls back the blanket and looks at Brant’s feet]

Adams: It's completely cyanotic. This isn't sarcoidosis.

[Cut to the Diagnostics conference room. House is sitting on the couch. All four members of the team stand in front of him]

House: Cholesterol embolization.

Park: Are you even gonna acknowledge what we just told you?

House: That you pilfered my poo-poo? Yeah, I was thinking, it would be less awkward for all of us if we could just pretend that never happened.

Adams: It's not an embolization. No instrumentation inside the arteries.

House: Thank you for getting us back—

Adams: And if we start you on treatment now, get you off Vicodin—

House: What's the opposite of "thank you"? I'm pretty sure it ends in "you". I know my body. I'm fine. Methemoglobinemia.

[House is eating Tic Tacs]

Chase: Army tests for GPD deficiency.

[House sits up and puts the Tic Tacs on the table in front of the couch. Chase sits down on the couch across from House]

Chase: If you're not sick, then our test, accurate 99.5% of the time, yielded a false positive, three separate times. The odds of that are in 1 in 8 million.

House: The test is accurate. The diagnosis isn't. Sample was obviously contaminated with other foods interacting with my liver enzymes. Now could we talk about the sick patient?

Park: His clot dissolved. That could have caused the vasospasm. D.I.C. could have been caused by Bernard Soulier syndrome. And, you're sick, and, you have to do something about it.

Adams: If we had a patient file with the same symptoms you're exhibiting…

House: And the symptoms I'm not exhibiting? Jaundice, ascites, fetor hepaticus.

Taub: We can't tell if your breath stinks because you've been popping mints like they're Vicodin.

Chase: You'd still diagnose hepatic encephalopathy. I know that because four doctors you trained have unanimously diagnosed you with hepatic encephalopathy.

House: Park's right. Treat the patient with Heparin.

[The team leaves the conference room]

[Cut to House’s team having an impromptu meeting in a hospital stairwell. Adams, Taub, and Park all have their hands raised as if responding to a vote. Chase has not yet been convinced]

Adams: We'll have a stronger argument if we go to Foreman as a united front.

Chase: We'll have a stronger argument if we have an argument. If House is sick, it's his business, not Foreman's.

Taub: Foreman's business is to make sure his doctors are able to do their jobs, that lives aren't put at risk.

Chase: Telling Foreman will put lives at risk. We tell Foreman, House either agrees to treatment or get suspended, which means House gets suspended. And considering House at 90% is better than any other doctor at this hospital at 100%, that means our patients get a lower standard of care.

Park: House could be at 90%, he could be at 60%, we don't know.

Chase: And until we do, there's no reason to do anything more than what we've done.

House: Blurry vision… headache, a bit of nausea, and dizziness. I am com-pletely baffled.

College Kid: I only had eight beers. h*m* class pong tournament's in a week. I'm working on my tolerance.

House: Hop on one foot and sing the iCarly theme song. Like you don't know it.

[The young man hops down off the exam table and starts singing the song while hopping on one foot. House sits on the stool and watches him, occasionally mouthing the words as the patient sings]

[The exam room door opens and Wilson peeks in. The patient continues to hop and sing as Wilson enters the room]

House: Damn it, man. Can't you see I'm doctoring?

House: If you want to talk to me, you can buy me a sandwich in an hour.

Wilson: Or I could just hover here until you're done.

[The patient stops as House sticks a tongue depressor in his mouth,]

House: Heard enough. Just never could figure out the "breathe air" part. Next year, stick to whiskey. Or at least stay away from week-old green beers. A lot less likely to contain tartrazine-laced green food dyes for which you apparently have an intolerance. Once you break the seal, it'll be out of your system in 48 hours.

[House and Wilson leave the exam room. The camera cuts to them leaving the clinic also. They talk as they walk down the corridor]

House: What are my choices here? If I tell you I'm fine, you won't believe me.

Wilson: I've scheduled a liver function test.

House: If I ignore you, then you'll just ignore my ignoring. Which is rude, frankly.

[House pushes the elevator button. The door opens]

Wilson: Depending on the results, we'll customize a treatment plan.

[Wilson follows House onto the elevator. House shakes a couple of Vicodin into his hand and dry swallows them]

House: If I tell you I think I'm sick and I need your help and we need to set up a time to talk about it, you'll just assume I'm lying. Again, rude. Also hurtful.

[The elevator reaches the floor where Brant’s room is, and they step out and walk toward the room]

Wilson: Why is it that you can find the smallest thing wrong with anyone else, but when it comes to you…

House: I really don't have a choice here, do I?

Wilson: No, you don't.

[They reach Brant’s room. House spreads his arms in preparation for a search by the MPs guarding Brant]

House: (to the MP) I'm on the list. (referring to Wilson) But he's not.

Wilson: You can't ignore me forever.

House: Well, if you're right, that's not gonna be all that long.

[The MPs perform the search]

House: (to the MP who is searching him) Do it slow.

[The MP opens the room door to let House enter. He walks to the far side of the room and sits in a visitor chair, putting his feet up on Brant’s bed]

Brant: Who are you?

House: Well, considering the only people allowed in this room are your doctors and your family… I'm your long-lost cousin Ralph. So glad to finally meet you.

[House picks up a magazine from a side table and begins to read]

Brant: Are you gonna check on me?

House: It's gonna be at least two hours until we can tell if the Heparin's working.

Brant: Then what are you doing here?

House: You know, my father taught me that it's dishonorable to interrupt someone when they're reading.

Brant: Honor's not a punch line. Get out of my room.

House: So was it worth it? (He puts the magazine back on the table) Best case, you spend the rest of your life in Leavenworth. Worst case, you spend the rest of your life here.

Brant: Justice for 34 deaths outweighs anything the Army can do to me.

House: They got justice? Do they know that? What if only ten people had died? Four?

Brant: Even one civilian death…

House: What if they just maimed a few guys? Would that have been worth it?

Brant: My job was to log that tape, get all the details in the official record. After the tenth time of watching it, I stopped trying to convince myself that the shovel could have been mistaken for a g*n. 'Cause all I could see were the victims' faces. All I was doing was trying to read that kid's lips to make out his last words. I couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat. Think I like the cue ball look? My hair turned gray in three days. My body was telling me I had to do whatever I could to make sure that something like this never happened again.

House: Your hair turned gray in three days.

[Cut to House working his way through the cafeteria line. The team is right behind him. He takes the lid off of a small drink cup, and as he talks, stuffs candy bars into the cup]

House: Loss of hair color indicates an autoimmune condition, likely Grave's disease. Hyperthyroidism leads to a hypercoagulable state, which causes thrombosis. Start him on antithyroids.

Adams: You want to reject our current diagnosis because he had a few gray hairs, panicked, and shaved his head?

[House tries to stuff one more candy bar into the cup, but it does not fit, so he puts the last candy bar back, then puts the lid on the cup]

House: I want to reject our current diagnosis because I think we're wrong. And treating for wrong diagnoses can result in side effects like death.

Taub: Even if he did full go gray, stress seems way more likely than Grave's.

House: I haven't read any journal articles proving that veterans have a higher incidence of depigmentation. Of course, that could be the hepatic encephalopathy talking.

Chase: Our treatment for Bernard Soulier hasn't had time—

House: So you all just want to ignore the new symptom?

Adams: It's not Grave's because it's not a symptom at all. And the antithyroids you want could reduce his blood pressure and his ability to breathe. Which can result in side effects, like death.

[House has arrived at the cashier station. He pretends to be sipping from the straw in the drink cup as he pays for his purchase]

House: (to the cashier) Small soda. Grave's it is. Start him on antithyroids.

[House walks away from the team, who stop to consider his latest treatment plan]

Park: I know we disagree with House all the time, but, before, I could say, "okay, he's a genius." Now… maybe he's just really smart.

Chase: We're not gonna give him the antithyroids.

[Cut to Chase and Adams entering Brant’s room. Hayes is in the room with him]

Chase: Feeling okay? Any better?

Brant: Pretty good.

Hayes: He did just ask me for a blanket.

Adams: You're cold?

Brant: A little.

Chase: For how long?

Brant: It's really nothing. Maybe an hour or two.

[Adams takes Brant’s temperature]

Adams: He's at 104.

Chase: It's not Bernard Soulier.

[Cut to the diagnostics conference room. House (standing) is confronting the team, who are all sitting around the table]

House: Bold move. You've gone from speculating I'm sick, to acting like I'm d*ad.

Taub: We acted like we don't trust your judgment, because we don't trust your judgment.

House: Why don't you start by not trusting your own.

Adams: We did more blood work, it's not Graves either.

[Foreman opens the door]

Foreman: (to House) Talk to you for a minute?

House: Anything you have to say to me, you can say to them. It's only fair. Cause

anything they say to me, they also say to you. (to the team) Jiggle your pockets. Whose got the silver coins?

Foreman: Until you receive a clean bill of health, I'll be authorizing all treatment orders.

[They all look at House to see how he will respond]

House: Well, I would say that that was an incredibly stupid mistake but apparently I'd have to clear that opinion through Foreman first.

Adams: White count is high. So all the infections we ruled out when he came in are back on the table.

Park: Legionnaire's.

Chase: Unlikely without pneumonia.

House: Taub. Loyalty issues in his personal life. Makes sense that they'd cross over into his professional one.

Foreman: I was hoping we can get a diagnosis before the witch hunt.

House: The patient's infection is an inherently less interesting puzzle than the s*ab wound to my back.

Taub: Fine. I told Foreman. Can we move on now? What about dengue?

Foreman: Patient isn't in enough pain.

House: No. I don't mean about dengue. I have no idea. Taub's only confessing because he wants us to focus on the patient.

Adams: I told Foreman.

Chase: I did.

House: The next person to confess is fired. Or Spartacus.

Foreman: For clarification, no one's getting fired. Who else has a pitch?

House: And then… there's Park. The only one who didn't confess. The same cowardice that makes someone unable to move out of mommy and daddy's home might also make someone a tattletale.

Park: You thr*at to f*re the next person who—

House: And it's malaria.

Adams: No, it's not. The Army issues anti-malaria medication.

House: And has done for ten years. That's the equivalent of 5000 generations of the Afghan mosquito, anopheles gambiae. That's plenty long enough to develop a resistance. Anopheles, by the way, is Greek for "useless."

Foreman: Cover for intra-abdominal sepsis and treat with antimalarials.

[The entire team leaves the conference room]

House: (to Foreman) And was I also right that it was a stupid idea?

[Cut to Brant’s room. Taub is holding a small pill cup. Park stands at the bottom of the bed, and Hayes sits in a chair beside the bed]

Taub: We believe you have malaria. These pills—

Brant: I don't want any medication. My dad's file should have been here.

Hayes: Brant, I told you, I looked into it. There's just a delay.

Brant: I believe that's what the Army's saying. I don't believe it's true. If they're not going to keep their end of the bargain, neither am I.

[Cut to Taub and Park leaving Brant’s room]

Park: So we got groped for nothing. If he doesn't want to stay alive—

[Hayes calls out from behind them]

Hayes: Hold on. Is it too late to become his conservator? I know what I said before. Right now I don't care.

Taub: Of course not. We'll get the paperwork drawn up.

[Cut to Taub sitting at the conference table drawing up the legal papers. Adams enters the room]

Adams: He changed his mind? Why?

Taub: (raising his hand in the air) His brother's dying. He needs a more substantial reason?

Adams: His brother was dying the last time we asked him to be the conservator. So instead of pushing the issue with the Army to get the file, he just decided to give up on his code?

Taub: Apparently.

[Cut to Taub approaching Hayes outside Brant’s room. He is carrying a thick file]

Hayes: So where do I sign?

Taub: We don't need you to. The Army gave the file to you yesterday. Major Mathewson had another copy sent over to us.

Hayes: Ah. You know, there's a reason I didn't want that file released.

Taub: I know. I read it. I'm gonna treat my patient now.

[Taub leaves Hayes and enters Brant’s room]

Brant: I was right. Wasn't I?

[Taub turns to Hayes who is standing in the doorway. Hayes walks slowly into the room, and taking the file from Taub approaches his brother’s bed]

Brant: How did he die? What did they cover up?

Hayes: They didn't cover up anything. I did. Dad died in that car accident because he was drunk. k*lled a pedestrian too.

Brant: What are you— what—

Hayes: He drank, Brant, a lot. You were too young to see it. I, uh, I had some of dad's buddies… take care of his files. It was the only time I ever broke the rules. I'm sorry.

Taub: Can I begin treatment?

[Brant nods]

[Cut to the diagnostics conference room. House, Foreman, and the team are running a new differential]

Taub: Fever hasn't broken. White count is still up. Renal function is declining.

Foreman: So he has all the signs of malaria, except the antimalarials aren't curing him.

[House, who is sitting in a one of the side chairs, leans down and picks up a large drink cup off of the floor]

Adams: Gonorrhea? If it got into his heart…

Chase: We did an echo. His valves look good. What about— (He interrupts himself as he observes House taking candy bars out of the large drink cup) you bastard. You were faking. (He puts his head in his hands, then looking up, explains to the team) Yesterday, House stole candy by putting it into a cup. The cup was too small, so his solution was to remove some of the candy. But the obviously logical thing was to just get a bigger cup, which he did today, because he's no longer faking.

Taub: He couldn't have faked it. We tested your—

House: I took St. John's Wort to alter the way my liver metabolized acetaminophen. Then some n-acetylcysteine just to finish it off.

Foreman: You tortured them to t*rture me just to see who you could trust?

House: I did it to save lives. God, I wish I could rationalize that one.

Park: And now you're going to brilliantly deduce which one of us is the rat?

House: What makes you think I haven't already?

[They all look at House as the mention of a rat gives him his epiphany]

House: To be continued. I need to brilliantly cure a patient.

[He gets up and leaves the conference room]

[Cut to Brant’s hospital room. House is sitting beside Brant’s bed. Hayes stands near the foot of the bed]

House: No hair usually means no lice. What we didn't account for was that it wasn't your hair. Tea was not the only thing that your Afghani neighbors shared with you. I'm sure they were generous enough to let you sit on their furniture, which was infested with rat lice. You have typhus. Caused the vasculitis and explains all your other symptoms. But here's where it gets interesting. One of those symptoms, a lawyer might argue, was leaking the tape. There are psychiatric issues associated with typhus. If you change your mind, plead not guilty, you've got a case.

Brant: I'd be undermining everything I've been trying to do.

Hayes: You did what you thought you had to do. Going to jail proves nothing.

Brant: It proves I still have my honor.

House: You're not doing this for honor. You're doing this to please your father. And the pathetic thing is that the man you're trying to please never existed.

[Cut to House entering Wilson’s office]

House: Traitor. You've been avoiding me for two days. 'Cause, when I stranded you behind the barricades, you went straight to Foreman.

Wilson: I've been avoiding you because you're an ass.

House: I've been an ass my whole life, I can't get rid of you.

Wilson: You can get rid of me now. Just turn and limp away.

House: Huh. Your whiny righteousness has the stench of sincerity. Fine. I have to punish my whole team so that one of them will step forward.

Wilson: Makes sense.

House: (sighing) Damn. Now I'm gonna have to punish my whole team so that one of them will step forward.

Wilson: You just said that.

House: Yeah, but I meant it this time. First time I was just testing you. Either you were gonna genuinely confess or falsely confess or actually…

[House pauses as he finally figures out which member of the team is the traitor]

House: His name's li'l Chase. He's a rat. You're a rat. Get it? Taub confessed to telling Foreman to protect the patient. Adams confessed to protect Taub. But your confession was just piling on. There's no rational reason for you to have done it.

Chase: And my punishment will be nothing. You wanted me to tell Foreman. Your ability to solve puzzles is the only thing that matters to you. And you're smart enough to know even you'll lose your edge at some point. You want to make sure someone's there when you do.

House: If that were true, why are li'l Chase's li'l cousins scurrying through your apartment's floorboards right now?
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "08x15 - bl*wing the Whistle"}