Scene: Webcam conversation between Bernadette’s Office and the International Space Station

Howard: Hey, Bernie.

Bernadette: Hey, how’s my little astronautie hottie?

Howard: Okay, I guess. It’s just, being cooped up in this tin can for weeks on end is starting to get to me.

Bernadette: Well, hang in there. You just have a couple more days to go, and then you’ll be home.

Howard: I know.

Bernadette: I got to get back to work. I love you.

Howard: Love you too. Hey, Bernie? Before you go, can you do something for me?

Bernadette: What do you want me to do?

Howard: Okay, here it is. I really miss gravity. Can you drop something so I can watch it fall?

Bernadette: Really, you’re serious? Okay. (Drops a pencil)

Howard: Oh, baby, you’re k*lling me.

Scene: The apartment. Penny enters, carrying a box.

Penny: Ugh. Hey, Sheldon? Hi. This came for you today. It’s from your mom.

Sheldon: Oh, thank you, Penny.

Penny: M-hmm.

Sheldon: Yeah, wait, here. For your troubles.

Penny: Oh, boy, a whole dollar. Now, I can quit my paper route. So, what’s in it?

Leonard: Mmm, doesn’t matter. Half the time, he just ends up playing with the box.

Sheldon: Yeah, it’s journals and research papers I wrote as a child.

Penny: Aw, how cute. Is this like a diary?

Sheldon: No, that’s my potty training journal.

Penny: Really, your potty training journal?

Sheldon: Yeah. And forgive my crude penmanship. I didn’t start typing until I was six.

Penny: August 7, 8:42 a.m. This is humiliating. What was wrong with diapers?

Sheldon: There are some charts in the back where I kept track of shape, colour and consistency.

Penny: Oh, disgusting.

Leonard: No, what’s disgusting is he’s still keeping track.

Penny: Why do you need all this stuff?

Leonard: No, no, no, no.

Penny: Sorry!

Sheldon: I am glad you asked. Are you familiar with the Higgs boson?

Penny: Of course, it is, it’s been in the news. And it’s a very famous boson.

Sheldon: Nice try. Now, in 1964, Dr. Peter Higgs, accomplished self-promoter and physicist, he wrote a paper postulating the existence of a subatomic particle called the Higgs boson. Now, initially the paper was rejected, but recently, he was proven right, and now he’s on the fast track to win a Nobel prize.

Penny: Yeah, that’s basically what I said.

Sheldon: Yeah, the point is Higgs is being celebrated for work he did 50 years ago, so that got me thinking, perhaps I’ve already h*t upon the idea that will win me my Nobel prize.

Leonard: I didn’t know they gave Nobel prizes for making boom-boom in the potty.

Penny: You really think there’s some kind of scientific discovery in here?

Sheldon: Well, this box only covers my work through nursery school. There’s a good deal more to come. I didn’t really h*t my academic stride until I cut out that time-suck known as playing outdoors.

Leonard: So, you’re going to spend hours and hours combing through all this stuff?

Sheldon: That’s a good point. My time is much too valuable. You know, perhaps I should find someone to do it for me. You know, someone with a rudimentary understanding of science, but whose real talents lie in menial labour.

Leonard: Not gonna happen.

Sheldon: Well, if I didn’t think you could handle it, I wouldn’t be asking.

Leonard: If you want help, just hire a grad student.

Penny: Maybe I could do it.

Sheldon: You, really? You can assess the quality of my work? Okay, um, here. I wrote this when I was five years old.

Penny: A proof that algebraic topology can never have a non self-contradictory set of abelion groups. I’m just a blonde monkey to you, aren’t I?

Sheldon: You said it, not me.

Credits sequence.

Scene: Sheldon’s office.

Sheldon: All right, Ms. Jenson. Uh, before we begin, may I offer you a refreshment? Water, coffee, tea, a marijuana cigarette?

Ms Jenson: No, thanks. I’m fine.

Sheldon: Now, are you sure? Everyone’s smoking them. I think they’re the best.

Ms Jenson: I don’t do drugs.

Sheldon: Excellent, yeah. That was a ruse. They’re not the best. Physics is the best. And by the way, coffee was also an unacceptable choice. All right, so I see here you’re from Des Moines, Iowa. Uh, you’re summa cum laude in theoretical physics from Stanford University. Oh, and two years ago, you had a persistent ear infection. I hope that didn’t cause any hearing loss.

Ms Jenson: No, of course not. How did you know about that?

Sheldon: I did a comprehensive background check. Medical records, credit reports, criminal history. (Hiding mouth behind book) I trust you paid off those parking tickets.

Ms Jenson: Yes, I did.

Sheldon: Hearing unimpaired, good.

Ms Jenson: Look, Dr. Cooper, I really want this position. It would be an incredible honour to work for a man of your brilliance.

Sheldon: Flattery will not get you this job, Ms. Jenson.

Ms Jenson: It’s not flattery if it’s the truth.

Sheldon: Oh, well, thank you. Welcome aboard.

Scene: A University corridor.

Leonard: You talk to Howard lately?

Raj: Uh, yeah, last night. He kept making me drop pencils for him. I got uncomfortable. (Entering Sheldon’s office) Hey, Sheldon, hope you’re hungry, they’re serving macaroni and… (spots Ms Jenson) che-ee-ee-ese.

Leonard: Smooth. Hi.

Ms Jenson: Hello.

Leonard: Sheldon, aren’t you going to introduce us?

Sheldon: No. I have people for that now. You’re up.

Ms Jenson: I’m Alex, Dr. Cooper’s new assistant.

Leonard: Ah, congratulations and may God have mercy on your soul. I’m Leonard. This is Raj.

Alex: It’s nice to meet you. I’m so excited to be working with Dr…

Sheldon: Yeah, please reserve chitchat for your breaks, Ms. Jenson. FYI, there will be no breaks.

Alex: I should probably get to work.

Leonard: She seems nice.

Raj: Hey, you already got a girlfriend. I call dibs.

Leonard: All I said was she seems nice.

Raj: Yeah, well, I love her.

Scene: Webcam conversation between Bernadette’s Office and the International Space Station

Bernadette: Hey, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you today. Everything okay?

Howard: Uh, no, not really.

Bernadette: What’s wrong?

Howard: Well, remember the Soyuz capsule they were sending to bring us home?

Bernadette: Uh-huh.

Howard: It’s delayed. We’re gonna be here at least another week. Maybe ten days. It’s the Russians, so you don’t know. They left dogs up here in the sixties.

Bernadette: Come on, Howard. No one’s leaving you up there.

Howard: I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I can’t sleep, and zero gravity is giving me crazy acid reflux. I’m down to my last three Tums.

Bernadette: You’re going to be fine. You survived that Weight Watchers cruise with your mom. And they ran out of low-fat ice cream on day two. Just calm down and take a few deep breaths.

Howard: Okay, okay. What am I doing? I’m using up all the oxygen. If I die, promise you’ll never have sex with another man.

Scene: Penny’s apartment. Amy is applying very red lip gloss.

Amy: Oh, yeah. I’m a man-eater now.

Penny: Okay, for the final touch, this is an eyelash curler. You just place it on your lashes and squeeze it closed.

Amy: Oh, I don’t know. Looks like something used by Tinkerbell’s gynecologist.

Penny: Who I hope for her sake is not Captain Hook, so… who are you calling?

Amy: I’m going to video-chat Sheldon. If my new look leads to phone sex, I’m going to have to ask you to leave the room.

Alex: Dr. Cooper’s office.

Amy: Oh, hello. Who are you?

Alex: I’m Alex, Dr. Cooper’s assistant. Can I help you?

Amy: I’d like to speak to Sheldon.

Alex: I’m sorry. He’s asked me to hold all calls unless you’re Stephen Hawking, his mother or himself from the future.

Amy: All right. Well, tell him Amy called.

Alex: Last name?

Amy: He knows my last name. I’m his girlfriend. We have a contract and everything. I’ll send you a PDF.

Alex: All right, I will tell him you called.

Amy: Hmm, that’s weird.

Penny: What?

Amy: Sheldon told me he had a new assistant named Alex. He didn’t mention that Alex was a girl.

Penny: Maybe he didn’t notice.

Amy: You’re right. I don’t have to worry about Sheldon.

Penny: No, you do not.

Amy: It’s her I have to worry about.

Penny: Oh, Amy, really? She is not going to come on to Sheldon.

Amy: Oh, really? Look at this face (Sheldon’s picture on phone) How can any woman spend eight hours a day alone with this face and not fall in love with it?

Penny: Well, for starters, at some point, that face starts talking.

Scene: University corridor.

Penny: Amy, this is crazy. You have nothing to be suspicious about.

Amy: I’m not suspicious. I just want to stop in, say hi to my boyfriend and meet his new assistant. (Throwing open Sheldon’s office door) Aha!

Penny: Can we go now?

Amy: Hang on. (Rubs Sheldon’s telephone receiver under her armpit)

Penny: What are you doing?

Amy: Isn’t it obvious? I’m spreading my scent to mark my territory.

Penny: Come on, Amy. That is not gonna work.

Amy: Really? Because just before you became my best friend, I did this all over your apartment.

Scene: The cafeteria.

Raj: Has your, uh, assistant said anything about me?

Sheldon: Oh, in fact, she has. Uh, her exact words were, what is that guy’s problem?

Raj: I’m in her head. Let the dance begin.

Alex: Here’s your frozen yoghurt, Dr. Cooper.

Leonard: This should be fun.

Sheldon: Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?

Alex: Yes.

Sheldon: Half a teaspoon of sprinkles?

Alex: Rainbow, not chocolate.

Sheldon: Two cherries?

Alex: One on top, one on the bottom.

Sheldon: Stems removed?

Alex: Um, top one, yes. I didn’t check the one on the bottom.

Leonard: Oh!

Alex: I’m so sorry, Dr. Cooper.

Sheldon: It’s all right, Alex. I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed.

Leonard: Wait, Alex. Do you want to join us?

Alex: Um…

Sheldon: Uh, Alex, a moment. I need a word with Dr. Hofstadter. Do you think it’s appropriate for her to sit with us, given her station?

Leonard: Given her what?

Sheldon: If I’ve learned anything from British television shows on PBS, it’s that servants dine downstairs with their own kind.

Leonard: What?

Sheldon: It’s a kindness, Leonard. Otherwise, you’re cruelly tempting them with a glimpse of a world that’s just beyond their soot-stained fingertips.

Leonard: Oh, sure. Please join us.

Alex: Oh, okay. Thank you.

Leonard: So, Alex, what’s the topic of your dissertation?

Alex: I’m looking for Trojan asteroids at Earth’s L-Five Lagrange point.

Leonard: Oh, that happens to be Dr. Koothrappali’s field of expertise. You two have a lot to talk about.

Alex: Is that true? Is he all right?

Leonard: No. But compared to your boss, he’s the poster boy for sanity.

Alex: It’s okay, I’ve been around scientists all my life. My dad’s an astronomer at SETI.

Leonard: Oh, SETI, the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence. You should introduce him to Sheldon. The search is over.

Alex: So, what kind of research are you doing?

Leonard: High-energy lasers.

Alex: Ooh. Military?

Leonard: Not yet, but I can remove unwanted hair from two miles away.

Amy (to Penny, on other side of room): You were right. I had nothing to worry about. That skank’s your problem, not mine.

Alex: You’re very funny, Dr. Hofstadter.

Leonard: Thank you.

Sheldon (choking): Cherry stem! Cherry stem!

Scene: Webcam conversation between Bernadette’s Office and the International Space Station

Bernadette: How you doing, Howie? You feeling a little better?

Howard: Oh, a lot better, thanks. One sec. Listen close, I don’t have a lot of time. I need you to go to my house. In my bedroom, you’ll find a model rocket. I want you to take it and bring it back to your place.

Bernadette: Okay.

Howard: Step two, build a version roughly fourteen stories high. Fill it full of rocket fuel and come get me. I’ll leave the door unlocked.

Bernadette: Howie, honey, maybe you should talk to someone, let them know you’re having a little anxiety.

Howard: No, no, I’m fine. No anxiety. We should probably talk in code. From now on, frog is me, sandwich means you and lemon means rocket. So, come on, sandwich, build me a lemon ’cause froggy wants to come home.

Scene: Penny’s car.

Amy: Look at you, putting on a brave face.

Penny: There’s nothing to be brave about. Everything’s fine.

Amy: Really? I don’t know how much you know about primate behaviour, but Sheldon’s assistant was clearly courting Leonard. Were she a mandrill, she would have bent over and displayed her brightly coloured hindquarters like a big red welcome mat. By the way, you try that at the junior prom, you get kicked out.

Penny: Okay, maybe she was flirting with him, but who cares? Look, I don’t even know where my relationship is with Leonard is right now.

Amy: So says your prefrontal cortex. But meanwhile, the limbic system of your brain is calculating that if another woman is attracted to Leonard, it must be because he’s desirable.

Penny: Well, of course he’s desirable. I mean, he’s great. He’s smart, he’s sweet, and, ooh, in the bedroom, whew, let me tell you, he really tries.

Amy: So it does bother you.

Penny: Fine, it bothers me a little. No. You know what? This is stupid. It doesn’t bother me. Okay, it bothers me. But only because she wouldn’t stop laughing. Leonard is not that funny.

Amy: And there you have it, prefrontal cortex reasoning versus limbic lust. If this were a boxing match, they might call it the thrilla adjacent to the amygdala. If you were a brain scientist, you would be busting a gut right now.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: So, how was work today?

Leonard: Ah, it was all right, I guess. Got to Heimlich a cherry stem out of Sheldon. Caught Raj right in the eye.

Penny: Oh! You’re kidding.

Leonard: No, Raj had to go to the nurse.

Penny: Wow. Anything else?

Leonard: Mmm, the nurse is a woman, so he couldn’t talk to her. She had to bring him a Grover puppet so he could point at what hurt.

Penny: Oh, is that it?

Leonard: Isn’t that enough? It had the w*apon fruit and a puppet. What more do you want?

Sheldon (arriving with Alex): Oh, good, Leonard, you’re here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails.

Leonard: What do you got?

Sheldon: I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.

Leonard: Magnets: What Do They Stick To? If the answer is metal, it’s not exactly groundbreaking.

Sheldon: The original title was “A Rederivation of Maxwell’s Equations Regarding Electromagnetism”" I dumbed it down because some of the more religious people in town were starting to say I was a witch.

Alex: Sheldon thinks the approach in this paper might change the way we calculate ferromagnetic hysteresis.

Penny: Oh, it’s about time. I hated the old way. Hi. I’m Penny.

Alex: Alex. Uh, do you work with Dr. Hofstadter?

Penny: In a way. We’ve kind of been involved in a five-year experiment.

Alex: Oh. Well, you’re lucky. He seems very talented. And I’m sure a lot of people want to work with him.

Penny: Well, a lot of people can’t. Uh, hey.

Leonard: Where are we going?

Penny: My limbic system wants to take your pants off.

Alex: She seems nice.

Sheldon: Notice people on your own time. We’re working.

Scene: Webcam conversation between Bernadette’s Office and the International Space Station

Bernadette: Hey, Howie, how you feeling?

Howard: Better. Much better. The other astronauts held me down, gave me a sh*t. Oooh. Attention, people of Earth. Tonight, there will be two moons in the sky.

Bernadette: Howie, stop that. NASA’s watching this! Put your pants back on!

Howard: Whee! Whee!
{"type": "series", "show": "The Big Bang Theory", "episode": "06x03 - The Higgs Boson Observation"}