Maggie: Still no sign of Mike? I'm going to call the police.

Jason: And what are you going to say? It's three am and our 18 year old son isn't home yet?

Maggie: Your right, your right, he's in junior college for god's sakes.

Jason: That's right. It's not like he's a baby anymore. Maggie, if you are not going to call the police , I will. You know I really thought all this was behind us now...and...

Mike: Hi guys.

Jason and Maggie: Hi Mike...MIKE????

Jason: Wait a minute, where have you been? It's a school night.

Maggie: We were terrified something happened to you.

Mike: Well, nothing did... Good night.

Jason: Mike, sit... Come on, we want to know where you've been since your last class.

Mike: All right, I'm sorry, I didn't plan on being this late. It's not my fault that the lift broke.

Jason: Look, we don't care who's fault....What lift?

Mike: Oh the ski lift.

Maggie: Why were you on a ski lift？

Mike: Well what would you want me to do mom? Walk up the ski slopes?

Jason: We want you to be on Alps land in junior college mike, not on slopes. What slopes?

Mike: Oh come on, does it really matter dad?

Maggie: Yes, where did you go?

Mike: North.

Jason: We'd like a little more to go on, Mike.

Mike: Ok, I went to Lake Placid.

Maggie: Mike, lake placid is over two hundred miles away.

Mike: Which is another reason why I'm so late. What do you guys want me to do? Get a speeding ticket?

Jason: All right, let's cut the tap dance Mike...

Mike: Dad, dad, dad...all right look, I was at college, and me and a couple of the other guys were hanging out at "landonware" discussing philosophy and junk like that when somebody mentioned that they got the first seasons snow on lake placid. So since I didn't have an afternoon class, we decided to...

Jason: You have sociology on Wednesdays.

Mike: No no no, I dropped that duffus class weeks ago. So anyway, I'm on my way up the lift for the last run of the day before we head home and boom. This whole snowman just falls on the tow chain, and it stops us d*ad halfway up the mountain. So there I am stranded, facing the very real possibility of freezing to death.

Maggie: You dropped sociology.

Mike: Yeah, so...

Jason: And you think that now your in college, you can do whatever you like, come and go whenever you like, no questions asked.

Mike: Pretty much, yeah.

Jason: Now how do you expect to be awake for economics in 5 hours?

Mike: Dad, I'm not nearly as irresponsible as you think. It just so happens that I dropped that class too. So anyway...

Maggie: So you dropped two classes, without even telling us?

Mike: Mom, its not like I'm keeping it from you. I mean hey, college doesn't mind if I drop a class here or there. Dad, I even have got a professor who told me if I didn't care about his class, don't come.

Jason: That's it, you're grounded.

Mike: I'm what?

Jason: Grounded. Remember, grounded? No dates, no parties, no life.

Mike: Dad, you cannot ground an 18 year old college man.

Jason: I'm not, I'm grounding an 18 year old ski b*mb.

Mike: But dad, grounding is for kids.

Jason: Well that's exactly what you are.

Mike: Mom could you believe he just said that to me? To me, a guy old enough to die for his country.

Maggie: Maybe sooner than he thinks.

Mike: I don't get this, what the heck is going on around here?

Jason: We just want you to behave like the adult that you are Mike.

Mike: Oh so now you admit that im an adult.

Jason: Well, let me put it to you this way, all right? As long as you live under this roof, you live under my rules

Maggie: Our rules.

Jason: Yes.

Mike:Well ,then,fine,then maybe I won't live under this roof.

Jason: Fine.

Mike: Fine.

Jason: Fine.

Mike: Fine, starting tomorrow.

Mike: Think about it Ben, what is dad's major weakness?

Ben: Expensive haircuts?

Mike: No no no, I said major.

Ben: Uhh...Mom!

Mike: Right. See, mom will send me out there freezing and get dad to cave in. I bet it wouldn't even take a whole night. In fact I'd be surprised if mom even lets me get out the front door. And then dad will beg me to stay, on my terms.

Ben: Wow.

Mike: If I don't take a stand now, dad is just going to treat me like a kid my whole life.

Jason: Look, if we don't take a stand now, he will act like a kid his whole life

Maggie: Jason, aren't you being a tad irrational?

Jason: How could you say that?

Maggie: Ok well have you thought about how this could traumatize Ben and Carol?

Carol: I'm going to set the dinner table.

Maggie: Thank you Carol.

Carol: Can I sit where Mike used to sit, now that's he's history?

Jason: Sure, why not?

Carol: Great.

Jason: Carol seems to be bearing up rather well.

Maggie: Jason where will he live?

Jason: I will tell you Maggie, Here! In the same pig sty of a room he lives in now.

Maggie: I'm not following this at all.

Jason: Look, I don't want him to move out, and he doesn't want to move out either. He's trying to bluff us Maggie, and I'm going to call his bluff. Jason Seaver is one savvy poker player.

Mike: Sure, Ben you can walk me to the front door.

Jason: We need to present a united front on this one, agreed?

Maggie: Yeah yeah yeah.

Mike: Well, I guess I will be seeing you.

Jason: Guess so.

Carol: Table is all set. Oh dad, will it also be ok if I turn Mike's room into an exercise room?

Mike: What?

Jason: That's a good idea honey.

Carol: Thanks.

Mike: You can at least have the decency to wait until the body is cold.

Carol: Life goes on.

Jason: Mike, you have a forwarding address?

Mike: Uh yeah, BLA 523.

Jason: What?

Mike: My license plate.

Maggie: Pardon me?

Mike: Yes mother, I'm going to live in my vehicle.

Maggie: Jason, he's going to live in his vehicle.

Jason: Well I trust your vehicle won't be parked in my driveway.

Mike: What?

Jason: Well, moving out, generally means off the premises.

Maggie: Jason this thing has gone too far.

Jason: Maggie?

Maggie: No, Mike...You can live in your car, on my half of the driveway.

Mike: Thanks. Living room, Robus room, home sweet home.

Carol: Boy is it freezing out here.

Mike: Thank you Carol for that startling weather bulletin. Get out.

Carol: Mike, don't you think I know what you are doing?

Mike: Carol, I don't even think you know what you are doing.

Carol: You have no intention of moving out, you just want to guilt dad by living here and good off.

Mike: You really don't know me at all do you Carol? Now get out.

Carol: Look, I agree that it's silly for a college student to be grounded like some child. An 18 year old should feel free to come and go as he or she pleases.

Mike: Hold on I get it. So you aren't on my side because I'm your brother and you care about me. But because you turn 18 next year and you want to grease the track for your self.

Carol: You really don't know me at all do you?

Mike: Carol your selfishness sickens me.

Carol: You will get over it. The point is that we both have an interest in getting dad to give you the kind of freedom that all 18 year olds so richly deserve, and I can help. Here's some tasty treats to help keep your strength up.

Mike: Carol, these are still frozen.

Carol: Just start your car, set it on the engine and in 20 minutes you got hot ravioli. And just remember, I'm with you on this. In spirit, anyway.

Jason: It's cold out there. Anything going on in the world I should know about?

Mom: Teenage boy banished by juvenile father freezes, film at 11.

Jason: Juvenile? Well Maggie I am a highly trained mental health practitioner schooled in the complexities of the adolescent psyche. Now one may agree or disagree with my strategy but I am being anything but juvenile.

TV: The weather service is calling for a major snowfall in long island tonight

Jason: Yes!!

Maggie: I'm going upstairs to read.

Jason: Maggie...Come on, I meant the farmers here they need the snow.

Maggie: The farmers?

Jason: Well there is a drought going on in this country Megan, I think we have to be concerned with people with bigger problems than our own.

Maggie: You do that.

Jason: "Hello snow" What does he think he's doing anyway?

Mike: Oh wow, snow! All right. I got them right where I want them. Who does he think he's dealing with anyway?

Mike: Ah...it's about time...

Maggie: It's freezing out here.

Mike: Oh well if you insist mom I guess I'll come inside.

Maggie: No, you can't come inside.

Mike: No? Well I was only thinking of you mom.

Maggie: Are you hungry Mike?

Mike: Oh no, it's too cold to chew.

Maggie: Are you sure?

Mike: Yeah, oh mom here. You better go inside. You'll catch your death. Oh, and tell dad that I will be fine.

MOM: I can't tell your father I'm out here. I just want to tell you that there is a space heater in the storage room above the garage.

Mike: Oh but that would be using dads electricity. And that would be so wrong, but thanks anyway.

Maggie: well Mike, you do what you have to do.

Mike: Working like a charm.

Jason: Come on Mike, have some sense. So how's the baby?

Maggie: Freezing.

Jason: Freezing?

Maggie: I didn't mean freezing I meant fine.

Jason: No wonder she is freezing, it's snowing in her room.

Maggie: All right, so I went out to check on Mike. So sue me.

Jason: Honey I'm just as concerned about Mike as you are but he's got an important lesson to learn here, and you know Mike...he doesn't learn easy.

Maggie: I know, he's bull headed like his father.

Jason: Oh so what do you suggest? We just let him blow college? He will be forty years old, we will still be buying his lifts tickets. He will start knocking over convenient stores, get arrested. Do you have time for a trial, what with the new baby and work and all?

Maggie: Jason, you are being a whacko. Now I agree that we have to get him straightened out, but can't you just be honest with him? Do you have to trick him?

Jason: Well we have to send Mike a message. This is it. Make no mistake where you are, this is it, the waiting is over.

Maggie: You are basing your action on a song by the Doobie brothers?

Jason: No.

Maggie: Well I hope not.

Jason: That is a Kenny Login's tune. Michael o Donald's sang on it, so a lot of people think it was a Doobie brother's record, but no.

Maggie: Jason!!!

Jason: Ok, all right, I'll talk to him.

Maggie: Actually, it's a Kenny Login's tune.

Jason: Mike? I just want to be sure you are ok. Ok, fine...you know you are bull-headed, just like your mother. Look, how about we call it a cease-f*re ok? How about he go inside and talk about it.... I see you are way ahead of me. OH GOD!!!

Mike: Dad I thought we had an understanding.

Jason: You can't live under my roof.

Mike: But dad I was just...

Jason: Oh and I was all worried about you out in the snow...and now you are here, you got the TV blasting, warm as toast, you don't have a care in the world.

Mike: Well dad, I wasn't up until a minute ago, I was outside, cold and lonely and hungry.

Guy: Pizza.

Jason: What?

Mike: Dad I did not order that pizza.

Jason: Well if you think I'm paying for that you are nuts.

Guy: Hey relax pal, it's already paid for by Maggie Seaver.

Jason: Maggie Seaver, well doesn't that just fit...Mike get inside right now.

Mike: Dad I...

Guy: Well hey don't you want it? I told you it's already paid for...nice tip.

Jason: All right Mike, why don't we just lay out all our cards on the table now.

Mike: Fine.

Jason: Fine.

Maggie: Are you two going to go through this fine-fine business again?

Jason: Here's your pizza.

Maggie: Jason it was so cold, and he looked so hungry.

Jason: Well the last thing I'm worried about right now is pizza.

Ben: What pizza?

Maggie: Ben this doesn't concern you, go to bed.

Ben: Is Mike still kicked out?

Jason: Mike is not kicked out.

Ben: Then It worked.

Jason: What worked?

Ben: Um nothing, certainly not Mike's plan.

Jason: Mike you are not fooling anybody, I'm not stupid. I know you didn't intend to live in your car; you were just putting on that pathetic little act so that I cave in.

Mike: Well no dad, I would not use the term cave in.

Carol: What's all this shouting about? You guys are going to wake the baby.

Maggie: Carol, we are having a discussion with your brother, do you mind?

Carol: Not in the least. Oh, well, before I go upstairs I want to say something.

Maggie: what is it Carol?

Carol: Well actually, as delighted as I am to see Mike out of my house, I do believe that 18 year olds is legally endowed with certain undeniable rights, and among these are...

Jason: You want to know what I believe Carol?

Carol: What?

Jason: I believe that you are not so concerned about Mike's rights as you are about t the fact that you are going to turn 18 next year and you're thinking about your personal freedom, now am I getting warm?

Carol: You really don't know me at all do you?

Maggie: Good night Carol.

Mike: Smooth, real smooth.

Jason: All right where were we?

Maggie: Oh you were just saying that Mike was putting on an act, you know, sort of the same thing the old savvy poker player was doing？

Mike: What？

Jason: Ok I admit it; I didn't want you to move out Mike, anymore than you wanted to move.

Maggie: Finally the truth.

Jason: I just couldn't bare to watch you just fritter away your first year in college. Dropping classes left and right or walcing in and out as late as you please, and making your mother and I worried sick about where you are every night.

Mike: Well first of all, I did not fritter, ok? I merely fined tuned my class schedule. And and I did not walce in here, I don't even know how to walce.

Jason: I can't live with you like this Mike.

Mike: And I can't live with your stupid rules because they haven't changed since I have been a toddler.

Jason: And they won't until you change.

Mike: Well fine

Jason: Fine.

Maggie: Great, now we are back to fine. I mean 2 bull headed know-it-alls, staring each other down, neither one willing to admit that the other one just might have a point. Jason, we need to present a united front on this one.

Jason: All right, uh, maybe it's not appropriate for someone your age to be grounded.

Mike: Exactly, that's what I have been trying to say all along....what?

Maggie: No it's your turn to concede a point.

Mike: Mom, I have nothing to concede...Ok, maybe scaring you guys by not telling you where I was, was a little wrong.

Jason: You bet it was wrong. And maybe a college man should have a little leeway in making his own decisions.

Mike: And I guess I could run it by you before I drop classes, but just to hear your advice.

Jason: That's all I ask.

Maggie: Now we are getting somewhere...see? Isn't this fun?

Mike: Boy, I sure didn't think you would send your son out there to freeze.

Jason: Mike the only reason I sent you out there to freeze was because I love you.

Mike: Well I'd hate to see how you treat a stranger.

Maggie: Mike...

Jason: Well if a stranger moved in here, I wouldn't care where he went or what he did, or how he screwed up his education.

Maggie: Oh Jason.

Mike: Oh yeah, well if a stranger moved in here, you wouldn't expect him to live by your stupid rules either.

Jason: No, but I'd expect him to pay rent then.

Mike: Well, beats the heck out of being grounded.

Jason: Oh you think so?

Maggie: Oh wait a minute, wait a minute. What did you say?

Mike: Beats the heck out of being grounded.

Maggie: No, no no not you. You!

Jason: Oh you think so? Oh Maggie what's with you?

Maggie: You said that if a stranger moved in that you'd expect him to pay rent. And you said that if a stranger moved in, he wouldn't be expected to live by your dad's stupid rules.

Jason: Stupid rules?

Maggie: I was just quoting. But the point is, honey, we may have stumbled on to a solution.

Mike: Yeah, what is it?

Jason: OH!!!

Maggie: Uh huh!

Jason: Maggie, maybe you are on to something

Mike: Great, tell me what it is.

Maggie: It would help the two of you look at each other in a whole new light.

Mike: What light?

Jason: As long as it's not just symbolic.

Mike: I am in the room here.

Maggie: What do you mean?

Mike: Yeah.

Jason: Well, your mother is suggesting that you pay us rent.

Maggie: Yes.

Mike: What you want me to pay to be treated like this?

Jason: No no, you pay to be treated like a stranger.

Maggie: That's not exactly what I meant.

Mike: Oh so you guys couldn't get on my case about anything.

Maggie: I didn't say that.

Jason: Not exactly. It means we strike up a rental agreement, and if you violate that you are out on your keester.

Mike: But if I didn't violate it you guys couldn't say anything right?

Maggie: No I know I didn't say that...

Mike: Ok, mom this idea of yours is going to work out great.

Maggie: Funny, I don't remember thinking of it.

Jason: No, this could work.

Maggie: Jason, I don't get you...I mean what ever happened to "as long as you live under this roof, you live by our rules?"

Mike: Oh yeah.

Jason: Maggie, we are trying to work something out here, we don't need your negative energy.

Mike: No dad, you know that storage room above the garage? Technically that is not under this roof.

Jason: Good thinking.

Maggie: Wait a minute. I am not sending my son to live in a garage.

Mike: No mom I will just fix it up like a regular apartment.

Ben: It worked for the Funds on "happiness"

Maggie: Ok. ok...

Mike: SO dad, how much would you charge me for this room?

Jason: 75 minimum.

Mike: For that dump?

Jason: Ok, 60.

Mike: 20.

Jason: 60

Mike: 30

Jason: 60

Mike: 50

Jason: Done.

Mike: Fine, plus meal privileges.

Jason: If you are on time.

Mike: No problem.

Jason: And do dishes...

Mike: Once a week.

Jason: twice.

Mike: Oh ok, and the room is off limits to parents?

Jason: And girls.

Mike: Oh dad...

Jason: No slack on that one.

Mike: All right no girls I will only have men over....You know what I mean.

Jason: Well, now. We have a whole new relationship here: Landlord-tenant.

Mike: Yeah, that's what we have.

Jason: So we have an agreement.

Mike: We sure do.

Jason: Honey id like you to meet out new tenant, this is Mr....

Mike: Seaver.

Jason: Seaver. What a coincidence I'm Dr. Seaver.

Mike: And this incredibly attractive young lady is...

Maggie: Not amused. But at least the two of you are shaking hands instead of acting like raving idiots.

Jason: She loves this idea.

Mike: Yeah this is going to work out just fine.

Jason: Well since it's fresh in our minds why don't we put it in writing...Now do you want to be the party of the first part, or the party of the second part?

Mike: I don't care as long as I'm invited.

Jason: All right I will be the party of the first part. No no no, any references to parties would set the wrong tone. So first of all we are going to talk about your obligations, Mike? Mike? Mike?
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "04x03 - Family Ties: Part 1"}