FADE IN:

INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY

TONY: Wow. What'd you do? Spend the night sake-b*mb?

KATE: It's a cold, Tony. Sake-b*mb?

TONY: Oh, come on, Kate. Don't tell me you've never heard of sake-b*mb?

KATE: Would I ask if - forget it. I don't want to know.

TONY: You take a cup of hot sake. You drop it in a beer. You toss it back and - and KA-BOOM!

KATE: Sake-b*mb.

TONY: Great for a cold.

KATE: I'll stick to honey and hot tea, thanks.

TONY: McGee, Kate's never been sake-b*mb.

MCGEE: You know, I don't think I have either.

TONY: I work with a pair of w*nk*r.

GIBBS: And you make three, DiNozzo.

TONY: Good morning, Boss!

KATE: Good morning.

GIBBS: Cold or flu?

KATE: Just plain cold. Don't worry. I will sneeze into my tissues, unlike some people.

TONY: I have allergies, Kate.

GIBBS: Never had allergies. Never had a cold.

KATE: You never had a cold?

GIBBS: Nope. Never had the flu either.

KATE: Why do I believe that?

TONY: If you were a bug, would you att*ck Gibbs?

MCGEE: I get colds all the time.

TONY: Of course you do, Probie.

MCGEE: This one is just addressed to "NCIS Special Agent."

TONY: I think that's mine, McGee. Huh?

MCGEE: How do you know?

TONY: I recognize the lips. And the scent.

KATE: Gummy Bears?(TONY OPENS THE ENVELOPE AND BLOWS)

(FADE OUT)

(THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES / CREDITS AND OUT)

MUSIC IN:

INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY

"SWAK"

(SFX: GIBBS WHISTLES)

GIBBS: We've opened a letter with white powder. Use the southeast corridor to the holding room. You all know the drill.

KATE: Tony! (INTO PHONE) Letter opened in Special Agent Gibbs's office dispersed a fine white powder. Initiating bio-att*ck procedures. Third floor is evacuating.

GIBBS: McGee, are you up on procedures?

MCGEE: Yeah, we shower, burn our clothes, get our blood tested. Nobody leaves the building until the substance is identified except...

TONY: Lucky me! I win a free trip to Bethesda to be pricked like a pin cushion.

KATE: They've shut down the air. Let's h*t the showers, Tony!

TONY: Thought you'd never ask. Sorry, Boss.

CUT TO:

INT. SHOWERS - DAY SOUND OF WATER OVER DIALOGUE

TONY: Who would send me a letter with anthr*x?

KATE: Pick a girl, Tony. Any girl.

TONY: It's not funny, Kate.

KATE: Yeah, I know.

TONY: This is serious.

KATE: I know, Tony. I'm sorry.

TONY: This very instant somebody is incinerating my Ermenegildo Zegna suit, my Armani tie, my Dolce Gabbana shirt, and my Gucci shoes!

MCGEE: You know, it might not be anthr*x.

TONY: I like the sound of that, Probie.

MCGEE: It could be small pox, bubonic plague, cholera...

TONY: Probie!

MCGEE: Foot powder, face powder, talcum powder.

TONY: Honey Dust!

MCGEE: Honey Dust?

TONY: Honey Dust. I give it to girls - women, sorry, Kate. I give it to women at Christmastime. Very sensuous. You apply it with a feather.

KATE: You don't use the whole chicken?

MCGEE: I never heard of Honey Dust.

KATE: Yeah, that's because your mother raised you to respect women, McGee.

GIBBS: It makes a women's skin feel silky smooth. When kissed, it tastes like honey. (V.O.) Got a box of Honey Dust last Christmas. No card.

TONY: Ah, I think the post office screwed up, Boss. Someone else got your bottle of Jack and you got the--

KATE: Hey! Doesn't the post office irradiate our mail?

MCGEE: Yeah, that's right. All Federal mail is funneled through the Ion Beam facility in Bridgeport, New Jersey. If it has DNA, it dies.

TONY: The diseases that you named, they have DNA?

MCGEE: They do.

KATE: Ah, you should have let him squirm.

TONY: Ha ha! Then it's no worries.

GIBBS: Unless the post office screwed up again.(SHOWER OUT)

CUT TO:

INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY

(MUSIC OVER ACTION/MEN IN SUITS/ CLEAN AND VACUUM)

(SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN)

CUT TO:

INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY

GIBBS: You should have given the letter to me, McGee.

MCGEE: I know, Boss.

KATE: It's not McGee's fault. Tony snatched it out of his hand.

TONY: So now it's my bad?

MCGEE: You did grab it, Tony.

TONY: Lame excuse, Probie. You should have stopped me.

DUCKY: Where do you think you're going?

GIBBS: To find out who sent the letter.

DUCKY: Ah ah ah ah ah. You cannot leave autopsy. It's negative pressure so airborne pathogens can't contaminate the rest of the building.

GIBBS: Ducky, I have been scrubbed, sanitized, for all I know, sterilized! I have an investigation to open!

DUCKY: I have a possible contagion to contain. Until your blood test clears you, I cannot permit you to leave this room.

(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)

PARAMEDIC: Who opened the envelope?

TONY: He did.

MCGEE: No no no! It wasn't me!

TONY: Just kidding. I'm your pin cushion.

PARAMEDIC: Did you inhale any powder?

TONY: I might have.

DUCKY: We took blood. Jimmy?

JIMMY: Yeah. Four blood vials on ice to go.

(KATE SNEEZES)

KATE: It's a cold. I had it before I came in this morning.

DUCKY: Which makes you even more susceptible to airborne pathogens. You should go in the hospital, too.

KATE: Oh, no!

GIBBS: Kate, play it safe. Go with Tony.

KATE: That's safe? How long are we going to have to stay in isolation?

PARAMEDIC: At least overnight.

TONY: Can we have double beds because I hate it when you get that crease when you push the two--

(GIBBS WHACKS TONY)

TONY: If I get anthr*x, how will you feel?

GIBBS: Not as bad as you, DiNozzo.

PARAMEDIC: Let's go.

KATE: I'm warning you, DiNozzo.

TONY: Yeah?

KATE: I do not feel well.

TONY: You need to relax. You need a foot massage.

KATE: I don't want you anywhere near my feet. I don't want you touching my feet.

TONY: You don't feel well and--

(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN/ CLOSED)

CUT TO:

INT. LAB - DAY

(MUSIC PLAYS B.G.)

(MUSIC OVER ACTION/ ABBY SAMPLES THE ENVELOPE AND PERFORMS TESTS)

ABBY: So how long to Atlanta?

LIEUTENANT: Less than an hour. Your music's sweet.

ABBY: So are you. Hoo! Talk to Mama.

GIBBS: (ON MONITOR) I didn't take you for the cheerleader type, Abby.

ABBY: Oh, I'm not. Grammy taught me that.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: (ON MONITOR) She was an Olympic swimmer. Won the Silver in the two hundred meter butterfly.

(SCENE CUT)

JIMMY: What does swimming have to do...

(SCENE CUT)

JIMMY: (ON MONITOR) ...with cartwheeling?

ABBY: Nothing.

(SCENE CUT)

JIMMY: I don't understand.

MCGEE: You can't think logically with Abby. Her mind operates like a pachinko machine.

GIBBS: What was the powder, Abby?

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: White.

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: (ON MONITOR) With a hint of tan.

GIBBS: Abs!

ABBY: (ON MONITOR) Well, it's all I know until my baby speaks to me. I'm auto-sampling for anthr*x, botulism...

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: .... Plague, cholera, all those nasty little bio-buggers.

(SCENE CUT)

GIBBS: How long?

ABBY: (ON MONITOR) A couple hours.

GIBBS: I thought you said these tests were fast.

ABBY: (ON MONITOR) It's not a pregnancy test, Gibbs.

(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)

CUT TO:

INT. ISOLATION HALLWAY - DAY

TONY: You should drink more water.

KATE: Tony.

TONY: Your urine's too dark.

KATE: I have a cold. I can't believe you're commenting on my - eeugh!

DOCTOR PITT: Neither can I. Doctor Brad Pitt. Yes, it's my real name and no we're not related. I wish we were. I'd love to meet Angelina Jolie.

(KATE LAUGHS)

TONY: If I said what he said you would... elbow me.

(TONY/ KATE AND PITT WALK TO THE ISOLATION CUBE)

DOCTOR PITT: Well, it's not The Four Seasons, but let's hope you're not here long.

(SFX: WHOOSH)

KATE: Negative pressure?

DOCTOR PITT: Mm-hmm. Air can flow in, but not out. I'd like you to meet Lieutenant Emma Ingham, your duty nurse for tonight.

EMMA: Hi, guys. How are you?

DOCTOR PITT: As a precaution, I'm starting your prophylaxis with streptomycin.

KATE: Prophylaxis is a measure taken for the prevention of disease, Tony.

TONY: That's why I use them.

(SFX: EMMA LAUGHS)

KATE: Oh, you don't want to encourage him, Lieutenant.

EMMA: Sorry. Um... take any beds you want, you guys.

TONY: Thank you, Nurse Emma.

DOCTOR PITT: But it's prudent to keep some separation in case one of you has been infected.

KATE: Thank you, Doctor!

DOCTOR PITT: Brad. We're informal here.

KATE: Kate.

TONY: Are these things sunlamps, Brad?

DOCTOR PITT: U.V. Kills the bacteria in the air, although I can arrange for a sunlamp if you wish.

TONY: Oh, not for me. It's for Kate.

KATE: What?

TONY: Yeah, a little nude sunbathing might get rid of those tan lines.

KATE: Doctor, could you put him to sleep, please?

TONY: 'Bye Nurse Emma.

EMMA: Bye.

(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)

GIBBS: (V.O.) Swak?

CUT TO:

INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY

ABBY: It's sealed with a kiss, Gibbs.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: (ON MONITOR) Didn't you ever get a love letter?

GIBBS: Does a Dear John count?

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: Ah. I feel sorry for you, Gibbs.

(SCENE CUT)

GIBBS: Is there a return address?

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: Twenty seven Old Mill Bottom Road...

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: (ON MONITOR) Annapolis, Maryland.

GIBBS: McGee, you got that?

MCGEE: Got it. I just wish I had my PDA.

GIBBS: Use Ducky's.

JIMMY: Uh... uh... Agent Gibbs, Sir, Doctor Mallard doesn't have...

GIBBS: Requisition replacement cell phones and w*apon for my team. Go!

JIMMY: p*stol?

GIBBS: Well no, Palmer. Crossbows if you think they might work better. (TO ABBY) Cancelled stamp?

ABBY: (ON MONITOR) Noon yesterday, Annapolis.

(SCENE CUT)

GIBBS: (ON MONITOR) Open it!

ABBY: Normally I'd request a please, but...

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: (ON MONITOR) ...Considering the situation.

MCGEE: Boss, I can't find Ducky's PDA.

GIBBS: McGee, it's a pad and a pencil!(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS)

CUT TO:

INT. INNER LAB - DAY

DUCKY: Oh, beautiful calligraphy.

ABBY: Beautiful paper. It must be thirty two pound cotton rag.

GIBBS: (ON MONITOR) Abby, does that mean you can trace it?

ABBY: The water mark will tell me where it was made...

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: (ON MONITOR) ... When it was made, and who sold it. The person that sent this... may as well have signed it.

(SCENE CUT)

DUCKY: You know, there was a time when every young woman of breeding was taught calligraphy.

(SCENE CUT)

DUCKY: (ON MONITOR) My mother still tries, but her hand shakes so that...

(SCENE CUT)

DUCKY: ...Even I can't read all her missives.

(SCENE CUT)

GIBBS: Can you read this missive, Ducky?

(SCENE CUT)

DUCKY: Oh, yes. It's perfectly legible.

ABBY: Um... I think he means read it out loud.

DUCKY: Oh, sorry. Of course. Uh...(READS) "If you are reading this and have not initiated biological att*ck procedures, I suggest you do so immediately."

(SCENE CUT)

DUCKY: (ON MONITOR) "Since the powder dispersed by opening this envelope contains genetically altered..."

(SCENE CUT)

DUCKY: "...Y. pestis.

(SCENE CUT)

GIBBS: Which is Latin for what?

(SCENE CUT)

DUCKY: Plague!

(MUSIC UP AND OUT)

FADE IN:

INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY

GIBBS: The powder in that envelope carries bubonic plague?

(SCENE CUT)

DUCKY: Pneumonic is more likely.

GIBBS: (ON MONITOR) There's more than one?

DUCKY: Oh, there are three, actually. But pneumonic is by far the most dangerous since it can be spread simply by breathing the Y. pestis particles.

(SCENE CUT)

GIBBS: Tony must have breathed in some of them.

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: It may not be alive. Y. pestis needs a host or moisture for it to survive more than a few hours.

(SCENE CUT)

MCGEE: Plus it was irradiated when it went through the mail, Boss.

GIBBS: I got a Honey Dust for Christmas, McGee.

ABBY: (ON MONITOR) I'll narrow my test to pneumonic Y. pestis.

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: If I can isolate the strain, then Bethesda can h*t it with a specific antibiotic.

(SCENE CUT)

DUCKY: Yeah, well that may not help. It says here, "I have genetically altered the Y. pestis to render it impervious to antimicrobials.

ABBY: That bitch! She created a strain that...

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: (ON MONITOR)... Antibiotics can't whack.

GIBBS: Ducky, give Bethesda a heads up.

DUCKY: (ON MONITOR) Right.

GIBBS: A swak does not mean that this bitch couldn't be a bastard!

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: You're so right, Gibbs. I have this friend who's a tr*nsv*stite. Her lips could outswak Angelina Jolie's. Remember, McGee? You met her at my birthday party.

(SCENE CUT)

MCGEE: Yeah, the low-cut red dress with a built-in plastic--

(GIBBS WHACKS MCGEE)

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: I saw that, Gibbs.

GIBBS: (ON MONITOR) Read, or you'll feel it.

ABBY: Not while you're down there.

GIBBS: (ON MONITOR) What?!

ABBY: However, there is an antidote. She made a magic b*llet.

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: (ON MONITOR) "Which if administered within thirty two hours of infection, will eradicate the disease."

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: "To procure the antidote, NCIS must make public the true results reported in...

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: (READS ON MONITOR) ... "Dossier R-Zero Three Seven Seven.

GIBBS: McGee, pull up the file.

MCGEE: Yep, Romeo Zero Three Seven Seven. On it, Boss.

GIBBS: Is that it?

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: That's all she wrote.

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: (ON MONITOR) It's guilded inside.

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: I can see the swak through - uh-oh. We have a moisture strip in here.

(SCENE CUT)

GIBBS: Yeah, keeping the bug alive until the letter is opened.

ABBY: (ON MONITOR) I'm afraid so, Gibbs.

GIBBS: Check the cancelled stamp, Abs!

(SCENE CUT)

GIBBS: (ON MONITOR) One way to get around postal irradiation - to not use the post office.

(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)

DUCKY: I spoke with a Doctor Brad Pitt.

ABBY: You're kidding.

DUCKY: No, that's his name. He made a point to stress that he is not related in any way to the actor.

ABBY: Hey, did you hear when Brad and Jen split up?

GIBBS: (ON MONITOR) Abby!

ABBY: Gibbs, I can't until I can put this under a microscope. And I can't do that until NCID gives me approval to irradiate.

(SCENE CUT)

GIBBS: Okay, which will be when?

ABBY: (ON MONITOR) The Navy is sending a sample to Atlanta.

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: It should be there... well, now.

(SCENE CUT)

ABBY: (ON MONITOR) And then it'll be twelve hours for DNA confirmation.

GIBBS: Ducky, what's the incubation period?

DUCKY: (ON MONITOR) A day at most.

GIBBS: How long until it kills?

DUCKY: (ON MONITOR) Well, not very long, I'm afraid. In the fourteenth century, the novelist Boccaccio wrote...

(SCENE CUT)

DUCKY: ... That plague victims had lunch with their friends and dinner with their ancestors in paradise.

(SCENE CUT)

GIBBS: McGee, where's the file?

MCGEE: Boss, I cannot access it from--

GIBBS: Ducky! We're coming up!

(SCENE CUT)

DUCKY: We've already been through this, Gibbs! You can't!

(END INTERCUTS)

CUT TO:

INT. ISOLATION ROOM

(SFX: TONY SNAPS HIS FINGERS)

TONY: You know what this feels like?

KATE: I'm afraid to ask.

TONY: Like I'm the king of cool.

KATE: Elvis?

CUT TO:

INT. OBSERVATION ROOM

TONY: (FILTERED) Elvis was the king of rock and roll. Travolta is the king of cool.

(EMMA GIGGLES)

KATE: (V.O./FILTERED) Well thanks for the clarification.

CUT TO:

INT. ISOLATION ROOM

TONY: And do you know why I feel like Travolta?

KATE: I feel a movie coming on.

TONY: The Boy in the Plastic Bubble. Travolta plays this boy born with an immune deficiency. This is before AIDS. He lives in this giant plastic bubble.

KATE: Tony. Tony, please.

CUT TO:

INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY

KATE: (FILTERED) We're stuck here together. Can we just make a pact? Until we're out...

CUT TO:

INT. ISOLATION ROOM

KATE: I won't make fun of all the stupid things you say and you won't tell me any more film scenarios. Deal?

TONY: Deal.

KATE: Thank you.

TONY: Emma.

EMMA: (FILTERED) Yes?

TONY: You may find this of interest. You look pretty without the mask, by the way.

CUT TO:

INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY

TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Ralph Bellamy plays the doctor. Ralph Bellomy was this...

CUT TO:

INT. ISOLATION ROOM

TONY: ... Great old time actor. He was in "His Girl Friday" with Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell.

CUT TO:

INT. LAB - DAY

DUCKY: I cannot believe that Gibbs broke protocol!

(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)

ABBY: He didn't.

DUCKY: He left autopsy.

ABBY: But not isolation.

GIBBS: McGee,

MCGEE: Yeah.

GIBBS: You use Abby's computer to access that case file!

MCGEE: On it.

GIBBS: Okay. Abby, pull surveillance videos from the squad room. Everything from twenty three hundred last night when I left until McGee came in this morning.

ABBY: You've got to get a life, Gibbs.

GIBBS: The last thing I need is another wife.

ABBY: Life. You've got to get a life.

MCGEE: Boss! Boss, I found the file. It's a r*pe case.

GIBBS: Get the investigating agent down here.

MCGEE: I can't. It was Pacci.

(INTERCUT FLASHBACK OF PACCI'S DEATH)

GIBBS: Put it up on the plasma, McGee!

MCGEE: Okay!

GIBBS: Sarah Lowell. Age twenty one. Senior, Vassar. r*ped February tenth, oh-one at the Admiral's Bay Hotel in Annapolis.

DUCKY: Surely you remember the case, Jethro. The maid found the poor girl naked, tied to the bed two days after she was r*ped.

GIBBS: Duck, contact Cassie Yates in Norfolk. Tell her what happened. I need her help.

DUCKY: Yeah, good idea.

ABBY: Gibbs! I thought Cassie was working narcotics suppression.

GIBBS: Four years ago Cassie was Pacci's probie.

ABBY: Oh.

GIBBS: The victim was visiting Annapolis to register for an advanced study program at Saint John's. Police had the case for three days before they called us in.

ABBY: They found a Navy suspect?

GIBBS: A dozen of them. Firsties were partying at the hotel the night of the as*ault.

ABBY: Firsties?

GIBBS: Academy seniors. They'd just got their fleet assignments and... are you scanning?

ABBY: Gibbs, I can multitask! I can listen to you. I can scan the video. I can rub my tummy and...

GIBBS: DNA testing cleared them, closed our investigation.

ABBY: But someone wants it reopened.

GIBBS: McGee! Call Annapolis P.D. I want their file on this case.

DUCKY: I spoke to Cassie. She remembers the case. She'll be here in fifteen minutes.

GIBBS: From Norfolk?

DUCKY: No, Anacostia. She's working a drug sting.

MCGEE: Boss. Boss, I can't call. They're not going to be able to hear me. (b*at) I'm going to use the computer.

ABBY: Gibbs! Look who else doesn't have a life. Tony came back around midnight.

GIBBS: He does his best work at night.

ABBY: So he tells us. Here's Tony leaving. That's Ben the mailboy. He didn't do it.

GIBBS: Why not?

ABBY: He's a Vegan.

GIBBS: h*tler was a Vegan.

ABBY: h*tler was a vegetarian. Big difference. Vegans are so against cruelty they won't even use cosmetics tested on animals.

DUCKY: Abigail, could Y. pestis be altered to withstand irradiation?

ABBY: No way. Altered or not, it's still a living organism.

GIBBS: Could the gilding in the envelope protect it?

ABBY: It would have to be at least ten mils thick. This is barely one. Uh-oh.

GIBBS: Abby, I do not want to hear any more uh-ohs.

ABBY: Sorry. But this swak didn't bleed through. There's another one inside.

GIBBS: Get that letter out here where you can examine it!

ABBY: Gibbs, I've told you! I have to wait for Atlanta to--

GIBBS: Any doubt it's pneumonic plague?

ABBY: No, but...

GIBBS: Then no "buts"! Okay? We're losing time. k*ll those bugs! Now!

CUT TO:

INT. ISOLATION ROOM - NIGHT

TONY: Think they really zap bugs?

KATE: What?

TONY: These blue lights.

KATE: Are you serious?

TONY: Ever heard of a placebo, Kate?

KATE: Tony, placebos are administered for a psychological effect.

TONY: Precisely. How do you know these lamps aren't there to make us think they're helping? Hmm?

KATE: Maybe because they're there to k*ll whatever bugs we breathe into the air.

TONY: You may have a point.

KATE: You're afraid, aren't you?

TONY: Kate, come on. Me? Afraid? Have you ever seen me afraid?

KATE: Well, not when the danger is something that we can confront. But all we can do here is lie around and hope that we're not infected.

TONY: Now who's afraid?

CUT TO:

INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - NIGHT

KATE: (FILTERED) Anyone with half a brain. I take that back.

CUT TO:

INT. ISOLATION ROOM - NIGHT

KATE: You're not afraid.

CUT TO:

INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - NIGHT

DOCTOR PITT: All the blood cultures came back negative except for Special Agent DiNozzo's. (V.O.) He's infected with Y. pestis.

(MUSIC OUT)

MUSIC IN:

INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT

(MUSIC OVER ACTION/CAMERA PANS AROUND THE SQUAD ROOM)

CUT TO:

INT. LAB

GIBBS: Damn it, Abby! How much longer?

ABBY: Gibbs! Patience is not your virtue, is it? Look at the plasma.

GIBBS: Moldy bread.

ABBY: It's a Y. pestis microbe from the powder in the letter. This is the Y. pestis as the human race has known it for a half a millennium. The strain of plague we fight with antibiotics.

GIBBS: The one in the letter has blue tips.

ABBY: It's been genetically altered to resist antibiotics. You catch that, you're stuck in the Dark Ages, which personally I wouldn't mind until it k*lled me.

GIBBS: This wasn't whipped up in your local meth house.

ABBY: No, this took a hot molecular biologist and a big-buck lab to make this bio-w*apon. Oh, my baby's calling. I ran a mass spec on the swak.

GIBBS: You're analyzing lipstick instead of the letter?

ABBY: Well, I figured anyone who's into calligraphy has got to wear esoteric lipstick. And since all lipsticks are tested by the FDA...

GIBBS: You'll identify the brand.

ABBY: Yeah. If it's as rare as I think it is, I can find out who sold it.

GIBBS: Yeah, that's good thinking, Abs.

ABBY: What?

GIBBS: (LOUDER) Good thinking, Abby!

ABBY: I don't know, Gibbs! I can't hear you! It must be the helmet head! Not nice, Gibbs. Not nice. This is weird. All the basics are there - wax, oil, eosin dye, titanium dioxide, but they're in such low levels...(SFX: GIBBS SHOUTS)

(SFX: COMPUTER BEEP TONES)

ABBY: Whoa!

GIBBS: What is that?!

ABBY: The reason the Y. pestis survived postal irradiation. Seventy two percent of the lipstick is pure lead. A lead swak on the outside of the envelope. Lead swak in the inside. In between Y. pestis on a moisture pad. This is one smart bitch.

CASSIE: Wash your mouth out with purple soap.

ABBY: Cassie! Wow, are you suppressing drugs or selling them?

CASSIE: I'm working undercover. Everything I'm wearing is confiscated even the La Perla underwear.

ABBY: Nice.

CASSIE: Gibbs! Is that you playing Tella Tubby? Is this the anthr*x letter?

ABBY: No, it's not anthr*x. It's plague.

CASSIE: Thank god. anthr*x scares the hell out of me. May I?

ABBY: Yeah.

CASSIE: I know this return address.

ABBY: Back-tracked it to the Admiral's Bay Hotel, Annapolis, where the girl was r*ped.

DUCKY: Gibbs! Gibbs, all the blood tests came back negative except--

GIBBS: Tony.

Get it off --!(GIBBS TEARS HIS SUIT OFF)

GIBBS: Is he sick yet?

DUCKY: Well, not outwardly. But the doctor says his temperature is elevating. They Y. pestis is attacking his pulmonary system. Hi, Cassie.

CASSIE: Hey Ducky. How far are we into this thirty-two hour window?

DUCKY: Too far. Tony will begin coughing soon. When his sputum becomes bloody, he'll only have a few hours to live.

GIBBS: Abby, get that damn letter out of there!

ABBY: I'm getting it.

CASSIE: This is too easy, Gibbs. Custom paper and calligraphy that's traceable. A gene-altering bio-att*ck.

GIBBS: Do you know who sent it?

CASSIE: No, but I know who they want us to think sent it.

CUT TO:

INT. ISOLATION ROOM - NIGHT

TONY: Bedtime snack, Brad?

DOCTOR PITT: Oh, IV drip increases the efficacy of streptomycin.

TONY: They teach you efficacy at Harvard Medical?

DOCTOR PITT: Michigan.

TONY: Can't be. It's too weird.

DOCTOR PITT: What, are you a Wolverine, too?

TONY: Buckeye!

DOCTOR PITT: Wait, you're that DiNozzo?

TONY: Yeah.

DOCTOR PITT: Ninety-two. Columbus!

TONY: We kissed our sisters.

DOCTOR PITT: Thirteen-thirteen tie. You broke your leg in the fourth quarter.

TONY: You broke my leg in the fourth quarter.

(CAMERA ANGLE ON KATE)

KATE: Oh, god. They're going to start bonging beers next.

EMMA: I don't think so.

KATE: Oh, you don't know Tony. He epitomizes h*m*.

EMMA: His blood test came back positive.

KATE: Positive?

EMMA: You're okay. He's the only one infected.

DOCTOR PITT: (V.O.) So you didn't feel like an old man on spring break?

TONY: Are you kidding? Co-eds love a mature man who can bong a beer in under six seconds.

(LAUGHTER)

DOCTOR PITT: Well that leaves me out.

TONY: So tell me, Doc. What have I got?

DOCTOR PITT: Pneumonic plague.

TONY: Plague? (LONG b*at) Plague.

KATE: Yeah, Tony. Plague! Because only you would go off and get a disease from the Dark Ages!

TONY: I didn't put plague in the letter.

KATE: You opened it!

TONY: Yeah, so I opened it. What are you so upset about? It's not like you're lying...

KATE: Yeah, that's right, Travolta. I'm infected, too.

TONY: Oh, Kate. I'm sorry.

KATE: Well, you're going to be sorrier.

TONY: No, don't tell me Gibbs got it.

KATE: Oh, no, no. Just us. But I am going to make your life hell!

TONY: How, it can't be worse than the plague. (b*at) Maybe it can. (TO DOCTOR PITT) Maybe she can.

KATE: I'm warning you, DiNozzo.

TONY: You know, I recall a couple of plague flicks.

KATE: I'm going to tell Emma all of your dating tricks.

TONY: Mmm, Flesh and Blood comes to mind. Paul Verhoeven directed. Rutger Hauer starred.

KATE: Tony thinks that speaking Italian turns women on.

TONY: Obviously you never saw Jamie Lee Kurtis in A Fish Called Wanda.

DOCTOR PITT: Kate...

KATE: I know. You want to start my IV.

(KATE SNEEZES)

TONY: If I catch your cold I'm going to be very pissed. (TO DOCTOR PITT) She'll be okay, right?

CUT TO:

INT. INNER LAB - NIGHT

(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)

GIBBS: Hey, McGee.

MCGEE: Yeah.

GIBBS: Special Agent Yates needs your computer.

MCGEE: Cassie!

CASSIE: Hey, McGee. Can I sit in?

MCGEE: Yeah, sure. Boss, Cassie and I had parking spaces next to each other at Norfolk.

GIBBS: Why are you yelling at me, McGee?

MCGEE: So you can hear me through your hel - helmet?

GIBBS: The blood tests were negative.

(MCGEE TAKES HIS SUIT OFF)

MCGEE: Ah, sweet.

GIBBS: Not for DiNozzo.

MCGEE: Positive? Is he going to be okay?

GIBBS: If he isn't, he'll be answering to me.

(SFX: RAPID COMPUTER BEEP TONES)

CASSIE: Almost there.

MCGEE: Ah, no. Cassie, I already downloaded the NCIS report from the r*pe investigation.

CASSIE: My notes are in my training file. I was only a probie, but Pacci had me interview Sarah.

GIBBS: Oh, yeah. You're a female, about the same age. Easier to talk to you than it is to a male agent.

CASSIE: It didn't help. She didn't remember a thing.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE - FLASHBACK

CASSIE: (V.O.) Traumatic amnesia. Not unusual for r*pe cases.(BEGIN FLASHBACK SCENES)

GIBBS: (V.O.) If she had amnesia, who accused the Midshipman?

CUT TO:

INT. LAB - DAY

CASSIE: (V.O.) Her mother. Recognize her?

DUCKY: (V.O.) Vaguely familiar.

CASSIE: (V.O.) How about in this photo?

DUCKY: (V.O.) Good god yes. That photo was on every front page in the world. She was more famous than Hanoi Jane.

GIBBS: Blow that up. Get closer on the headband.

CASSIE: My god, that's a swak!

GIBBS: She a microbiologist?

CASSIE: No, but the best in the world work for her. Hanna's CEO of Lowell Pharmaceuticals.

GIBBS: McGee, I want a search warrant!

MCGEE: On it, Boss.

GIBBS: I'll grab a change of clothes and will meet you downstairs in five. Go to Bethesda and keep me updated on Tony's condition.

DUCKY: Of course.

GIBBS: Find out why Kate hasn't checked in!

MCGEE: You got it.

JIMMY: I got the phones, but they wouldn't trust me with the w*apon.

GIBBS: I wouldn't either, Jimmy.

(GIBBS WALKS TO THE ELEVATOR)

JIMMY: Uh, that's Agent DiNozzo's cell phone, Sir. Gibbs?

CUT TO:

INT. ISOLATION ROOM - NIGHT

DOCTOR PITT: Why are you doing this, Kate?

KATE: Damned if I know. But I'm doing it. You're not going to tell Tony.

DOCTOR PITT: Well, I've already informed Doctor Mallard you're not infected.

KATE: Ducky will understand. Gibbs will be the problem.

DOCTOR PITT: No. The problem is that Tony can infect you.

KATE: What with all the UV lights and air scrubbers, or are they just here for patient morale?

DOCTOR PITT: I cannot permit you to stay. This strain has been genetically altered to resist antibiotics. Do you realize what that means?

KATE: That the IV in Tony's arm is useless. So why do it?

DOCTOR PITT: Well, it can't hurt. And it gives him...

KATE: Hope.

TONY: Kate, tell Doctor Brad about that wet t-shirt contest you won.

KATE: Tell Emma about the transsexual you tongued.

TONY: That never happened.

(EMMA LAUGHS)

TONY: That never happened.

(SFX: TONY COUGHS)

TONY: Thanks for passing along the cold, Kate.

(FADE OUT)

MUSIC IN:

INT. BUILDING LOBBY - DAY

CASSIE: How do you want to handle this?

GIBBS: Subtle approach. You serve the warrant. I'll shove my Sig in her face.

CASSIE: Gibbs, Hanna Lowell has been arrested at more protests than Jesse Jackson. She won't be intimidated.

GIBBS: Okay, then I'll sh**t her and I'll go after whoever made the damn bug for her.

CASSIE: You're not going to k*ll her.

GIBBS: I said sh**t, not k*ll.

CASSIE: There are dozens of microbiologists here. It would take days to interrogate them. Tony doesn't have days.

GIBBS: Do you know where her office is or should I ask the receptionist?

CASSIE: Boss always has the top floor office.

GUARD: Excuse me. Excuse me. You have to check-in with the receptionist. Do you have an appointment?

GIBBS: No. We have a federal warrant.

GUARD: Security alert.

CUT TO:

INT. OUTER OFFICE - DAY

HANNAH: (V.O.) It's about time you got here.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE - DAY

HANNAH: I left enough cookie crumbs.

GIBBS: You left more than cookie crumbs, lady.

HANNAH: I regret I resorted to such a dramatic act, but you people at NCIS left me no choice when you lied to protect the Academy. Now, you admit that a Midshipman r*ped my daughter and this will all be over.

CASSIE: The DNA testing cleared...

HANNAH: Oh, stop it. I know how easy it is to dope a DNA test.

GIBBS: You love dramatic acts.

CASSIE: They can be very effective.

GIBBS: The effect of this one is going to imprison you for life.

CASSIE: That long, hmm?

GIBBS: You're dying.

CASSIE: Rather rapidly. Which makes incarceration highly unlikely.

GIBBS: From the looks of it you want to protect just about every living thing on the planet except for Federal agents.

CASSIE: My daughter never recovered from the horror of that weekend. The truth will help her heal. Please! Please, give it to her. You won't get that antidote until that Midshipman comes--

GIBBS: We don't need it. The post office went postal on your plaque. Zapped it right through the lead swak. No one was infected.

HANNAH: Oh, I don't believe you.

GIBBS: I don't give a damn whether you believe me or not. You are under arrest for a biological att*ck on a Federal agency. Take her to interrogation. I'll wait here for the task force to arrest the others.

CASSIE: You have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right...

HANNAH: There are no others. I acted alone.

GIBBS: You are not a microbiologist.

HANNAH: (SHOUTS) I stole the Y. pestis! Doctor Pandy doesn't even know it's missing.

CUT TO:

INT. OUTER OFFICE - DAY

GIBBS: Doctor Pandy!

RECEPTIONIST: What?

GIBBS: Where's Doctor Pandy's lab.

RECEPTIONIST: North wing, ground floor, B-L-Alpha. But you need authorization to enter the North wing!

HANNAH: Someone was infected. I hope it was Westmoreland.

CUT TO:

INT. ISOLATION ROOM - DAY

(SFX: TONY CONTINUES COUGHING)

DOCTOR PITT: Lay back, Tony. All right, everybody behind the shield. Tony, I'm going to need you to take a deep breath and hold it.

TONY: I don't think I can, Brad. Maybe Emma can do it for me. You have very healthy lungs, Emma.

EMMA: Is he always like this?

TONY: Unfortunately. Tony's humor has always been sexist, juvenile, raunchy.

EMMA: Funny?

KATE: Oh, sometimes he can be funny.

CUT TO:

INT. BL-ALPHA ROOM - DAY

PANDY: There is no antidote. I developed a vaccine, not an antidote. It's of no use once the victim is infected. Hannah misunderstood.

GIBBS: She understood.

PANDY: No, it's the brain tumor.

GIBBS: That's what's k*lling her?

PANDY: It's inoperable, obviously affecting her mind. Why else would a woman who fought to ban biological w*apon use them?

GIBBS: I don't know. Why is Lowell Pharmaceutical making them?

PANDY: We're not.

GIBBS: You didn't create this beast?

PANDY: Yes! But only to develop a defense against it. Antibiotic resistant diseases are potential t*rror1st w*apon.

GIBBS: A t*rror1st isn't k*lling my agent, you are!

PANDY: I understand your anger.

GIBBS: No, you don't! But if you don't save him, you will.

PANDY: It has a su1c1de gene that stops it from replicating after thirty two hours....as a security precaution.

GIBBS: It dies?

PANDY: Yes.

GIBBS: It's d*ad now?

PANDY: If it's over thirty two hours since the specimen has been infected, all of the Y. pestis is d*ad. However, the damage will have been done.

GIBBS: The specimen is going to die?!

PANDY: No. No, not necessarily. He has the same chance of survival as those infected in plagues of the past, probably better since he will be healthy and young.

GIBBS: What was the survival rate of the past?

PANDY: People were weakened by depleted crops, bad nutrition..

GIBBS: Damn it! What was the survival rate?!

PANDY: Fifteen percent.

CUT TO:

INT. ISOLATION ROOM - DAY

DUCKY: It looks like pneumonia.(SFX: TONY COUGHS B.G.)

DOCTOR PITT: Worse, I'm afraid. He's showing signs of cyanosis. His fingernails and lips are going blue.

DUCKY: The Y. pestis is starving his body of oxygen. It's too late to reverse, isn't it?

DOCTOR PITT: It's never too late.

DUCKY: Until I get the body.

CUT TO:

INT. ISOLATION ROOM - DAY

TONY: I'm sorry I teased you with all those movies, Kate.

KATE: Teased? You've tortured me. For two years all I've heard is John Wayne and Clint Eastwood, James Bond.

TONY: James Bond... is a character... played by Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, and Pierce Brosnan. Why are you wearing a mask?(SFX: TONY COUGHS)

KATE: Because I have a cold.

TONY: (WEAKLY) Why aren't you sick?

KATE: Because I'm stronger than you, Tony.

TONY: (WEAKLY) Are not.

KATE: Am too.

(TONY CHOKES/ GAGS)

KATE: Tony! Tony! Sit up!

DOCTOR PITT: Kate, you should leave. Now!

(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)

CUT TO:

INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY

(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)

DUCKY: You were brave to stay with him, Kate.(KATE CRIES)

KATE: (CRYING) He's dying, Ducky.

GIBBS: Ah, the hell he is!

CUT TO:

INT. ISOLATION ROOM - DAY

(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)

DOCTOR PITT: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who the hell are you?

GIBBS: His boss. The bug has a su1c1de gene. It's d*ad. It's been d*ad for over an hour. He's no longer infectious. (WHISPERS TO TONY) Tony, listen to me. Are you listening?

TONY: (GASPS WEAKLY) I'm listening. I'm listening, Boss.

GIBBS: (WHISPERS) You will not die, you got that? (b*at) I said, you will not die.

(GIBBS HITS TONY)

TONY: (WHISPERS) Okay, I got you, Boss.

GIBBS: (WHISPERS) Good. It's your new cell. I'd get the number changed. Women keep calling for Spankie.

TONY: (WHISPERS) Spankie.

CUT TO:

INT. WAITING ROOM - DAY

CASSIE: (V.O.) Will you excuse me? (TO GIBBS) How's Tony?

GIBBS: Ah, he'll make it. What happened?

CASSIE: Oh, Hanna lost it in the car. Started rambling, flashing peace signs. When she bared her breasts and shouted "Make love not w*r!" I drove straight here.

GIBBS: Sure it wasn't an act?

CASSIE: Her neurologist says it's the tumor. He just left. He wants her released into his care.

GIBBS: Not likely. He can see her here as much as he wants. Is that Sarah?

CASSIE: Just as blank as four years ago. (TO SARAH) Sarah, this is Special Agent Gibbs.

SARAH: I am so sorry. I can't believe this. I knew someday Mother would do something terrible. I told her, but she wouldn't believe me.

GIBBS: Told her?

SARAH: That it wasn't a Midshipman.

GIBBS: So you remember who as*ault you?

SARAH: No!

GIBBS: How do you know it wasn't a Midshipman?

SARAH: I... heard they were all cleared.

GIBBS: Are you sure you don't remember?

SARAH: (LONG b*at) Yes.

CASSIE: You know who r*ped you, don't you, Sarah? (LONG b*at) Sarah?

(SARAH CRIES)

SARAH: (CRYING) I wasn't r*ped. Will thought it was funny... tying me to the bed.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - FLASHBACK

SARAH: I'd said that the Midshipman looked cute in their uniform. And so when he went out to get us some burgers and shakes, he tied me up so that way I wouldn't run off with one of them. It was a joke! (DIALOGUE OVER MONTAGE OF FLASHBACK SCENES)

(FILTERED VOICES B.G.)

SARAH: And then when he didn't come back... I started going crazy - first worrying about why and then... and then being found.

CASSIE: What happened to him?

SARAH: He was k*lled by a h*t-and-run driver crossing the road.

CASSIE: Why did you say you were r*ped?

SARAH: I was tied naked to a bed. What else could I tell my mother?

CUT TO:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT

KATE: Can I sleep here?

DOCTOR PITT: As long as you don't give Tony that cold.

(SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN)

CUT TO:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT

EMMA: He's asleep.

KATE: Thank you.

(SFX: LIGHTS CLICKS OFF)

TONY: This reminds me of the end of Alien.

(KATE CHUCKLES)

(ENDING CREDITS UP AND OUT)

(FADE OUT)

(ENDING CREDITS UP AND OUT)
{"type": "series", "show": "NCIS", "episode": "02x22 - SWAK"}