Tiffany: Tiffany Ching here at the Sufa county court house where the trial of Oliver Martin continues today.

Martin the noted Jockey was sworn in then testified that he indeed throw the briskee handy ca, but only because his horse "Bone Weary" told him to do it.

Jason: No comment, no comment!

Maggie: Don't!Don't!Don't!

Chrissy: I can make daddy walk backwards like a duck.

Carol: Chrissy, it's not a toy, it's for grown ups.

Mike: Yeah right, and besides I can make him Cha-cha.

Ben: Do it again!I want to see it.

Mike: Ok, ok.Alright watch this.

Ben: Ha!

Mike: Pretty good huh?

Maggie: Oh, my poor baby, I can't wait till those glasses of yours come in.

Luke: They're in the doctor called yesterday.Actually it was another doctor...Dr.Pepper.

Jason: Hello everybody!

Maggie: Hi honey.

Chrissy: Daddy!You were on TV!

Jason: Yeah.

Maggie: Oh Jason!We're all so proud of you!

Jason: Well get ready to be even more proud.Guess what I was offered because of all this trial publicity?A column in the Long Island Sentinel.

Chrissy: That's great daddy!!What's a column?

Maggie: Well it's something you write that... Well sweetheart it's something that is hard to explain if you haven't read a newspaper.

Ben: But some of us would still like to know.

Maagie: Well it's....

Jason: Ben, it's a series of articles all on one theme, mine will deal with psychology.

I'll help people with their fears, and their hopes and their dreams and their fantasies.

Ben: Kind of like a 900 number.

Chrissy: What's a 900 number?

Ben: Well it's kind of expensive but....uhhh...I have no idea.I mean I've never paid 2 dollars a minute to talk to some girl in a bikini.

Hey kids let's go bake a hot apple pie.

Carol: Well I think your column sounds great dad.It's just too bad your children aren't mature enough to appreciate it.

Ben you moron!!You taped over Bambi!

Maggie: Jason tell me more about you column.

Jason: Well I worked it all out over the phone with the editor, a guy named Doug Stanton.

Maggie: Doug if you give the penny, I'll pinch it Stanton?

Jason: Well Pinch is his middle name.

Maggie: Oh I worked for him years ago.When it comes to paying writers he can be frugal.

Jason: You got to get up pretty early in the morning to frugal Jason Seaver, Maggie.And something else, I'm a good negotiator.

Maggie: Oh good, what's he paying?

Jason: Well we haven't nailed that down yet.

Maggie: How long is the column suppose to be?

Jason: Sometimes long, sometimes short.It just...

Maggie: Daily?Weekly?

Jason: It's unstructured still .

Maggie: Well I assume your getting Bylines.

Jason: Maggie, not all this is etched in stone.

Maggie: So in other words Mr.Negotiator, you could be working long hours for little or no money while someone else gets the credit.

Jason: I've been frugaled.

Maggie: Doug Stanton you conniving piece of filth.

Doug: Maggie Malone, the bubblehead that left me for the five o'clock news.

Maggie: I haven't been on TV for ages, get over it.

Doug: I won't say another word.Sit!Talk to me!That is if you can handle it without a teleprompt.

So what brings you here?You want to actually see people work for a living?

Maggie: My husband is Jason Seaver.

Doug: What the Oliver Martin case!?The shrink with the big hair!!?I hired him to do a column for us.

Maggie: I'm here to make sure you don't take advantage of him.

Doug: Maggie!I'm insulted!!I'm giving him double basic with inflated top end.

Maggie: Really??And how much do you pay the paper boys?

Doug: Well no top end.

Maggie: Just after a decent salary and some guarantees on column length and bylines

Doug: Maggie!You're k*lling me!

Maggie: Do you want him or not?

Doug: Ok, I'll pay him senior scale, but don't you dare say a word about this to the paper boys.

Maggie: Done.

Doug: I am going to smash this worthless piece of junk.

Maggie: You bought the Shitake 2000??Why don't you just paint ink on your hands??

Here hold this down while I feed this through the J clips.

Doug: When did you learn so much about printers?

Maggie: I research them, when I make a major purchase I do my homework.There all better.

Doug: Now wait a minute, this could be a column.Every week you could tell my readers how to get the best value for their dollar.

Maggie: Well I came here to talk about Jason's column.

Doug: Well sure, there's enough room for both of you.

He'll do the shrink stuff, you do the microwaves, VCR's, furniture polish, all that Ralph Nader crud.

Maggie: You mean consumer awareness?

Doug: See??You got a handle on this already.

Maggie come on, your writing is punchy, to the point, I know you'll never use a passive sentence or a fancy buzzword like buzzword.

What do you say?

Maggie: Will I receive some form of salary?

Doug: Maggie, You're k*lling me!!

Chrissy: What are you doing Mike?

Mike: Well, I'm making out my lesson plan for next week.

Carol: Oh would you like to borrow, Chrissy's crayons?

Jason: Ladies and Gentlemen, Tada!

Ben: One crack and I'm gone.

Jason: Mike, cut that out!

Mike: You don't know what you're asking dad.

Carol: Well I'll say something, I think you look brainy.

Ben: Ah!!

Mike: OH!!Don't stop him dad, my pancreas is about to blow.

Ben: Dad, brainy is just another word for geek.

Jason: I wear glasses, I'm not a geek.

Ben: Sure, you've got a woman.

Mike Oh god, I got to go lay down.I think I just hurt myself.

Maggie: Hi everybody.

Jason: Hey.

Maggie: Guess what!?

Jason: Your meeting went well with Doug Stanton!?

Maggie: Oh did it ever?And I got you, hold on to your hat.

I got you more money than the paper boys.And guess what I was offered?

Jason: Three bags full of waffle irons.

Maggie: No, a column.

Jason: Honey, you're writing a column too!!?That's wonderful!

Carol: Way to go mom!

Maggie: I'm going to call it, Maggie Malone consumer watchdog and I'm testing these for my first piece.

So its waffles all weekend.

Chrissy: Yes!!!

Maggie: Hold on, I'll get it.

Carol: Isn't this exciting two people in the same family with columns.

Chrissy: Daddy.Mommy gets waffles with her column, what do you get!???

Jason: Well it's not a material thing, just the satisfaction I get out of helping people solve their problems.

Chrissy: Oh that's nice.Boring.

Maggie: Well I'm sorry too.Thank you.Well, I knew it was too good to be true.

Jason: Who was that?

Maggie: Doug Stanton, his publisher slashed his budget so he only has enough money for one column.

Jason: Well he better not cut your column...He better not cut my column.Who got the axe here?

Maggie: Neither, you know he actually had the never to for each of us to submit a sample column.

I told him we refuse to compete.

Jason: Are you saying?

Maggie: I'm saying the column is all yours.

Jason: That's one darn shame!I'm sorry Maggie.Are you alright with that?

Maggie: I'm fine, Carol, Chrissy, please help me pack these stupid waffle irons.

Jason: You said stupid and that is a sign of tension.I'm sensing it.

Maggie: Don't be silly, I'm very happy for you Jason.

Jason: You sure?

Maggie: Absolutely.

Maggie, I am a professional at this and I'm sensing your pain here and if I let you give up your column you would never forgive me.

Maggie: So you are saying you will give up your column!?

Jason: Just as I would never forgive you.I think we ought to let Stanton decide.

Maggie: Jason, I don't think it's a good idea our competing.

Jason: Well, let's not think of this as competing Maggie.Let's see it as a chance for both of us to have something wonderful.

Maggie: Oh what the heck!!?Desert waffles for everybody.

Chrissy: Yes!!

Ben: Somebody said waffles?

Maggie: Oh Ben!I love your glasses, They make you look so brainy.

Ben: That settles it, I'm gonna die a virgin.

Carol: Am I in the right house?Mike Seaver studying twice in a same day?

Mike: Come on!Let's get it down, Carol.I'm working on something very technical and complex here.

Maggie: Mike, have you finished the waffle questionnaire yet?

Mike: Yeah.

Jason: I've got a great title for my column.Between your ears with Jason Seaver?

Maggie: Sounds kind of crowded.How about something punchy like Shrink wrap?

Jason: No no, seriously, how do you like mine?

Maggie: Ha ha ha, Chrissy come on, it's time for you to go to bed.

Carol: Boy, Mom and Dad are flirting with big trouble.

Mike: What are you talking about Carol?

Carol: Mom and Dad both going after the same column!!?Competition is a weed in the garden of love.

Mike: And you Carol are the fertilizer?Oh come on!Why are you making such a big deal out of this for?

Carol: Because it is a big deal.How can I explain it to you?Let me use an example.

Mike: Ok fine.

Carol: Suppose you and I were competing against each other for something ok?So there we are brother and sister.

Mike: What are we competing at?

Carol: It doesn't matter, it's an example.Ok?So there we are.

Mike: Now, how can I follow your example, if I don't know what we are competing at?

Carol: Ok fine, it's a spelling bee.

Mike: Ok fine.

Carol: Good.So there we are.

Mike: Wait a minute, why would I want to be in a spelling bee?

Carol: It doesn't matter, it's a hypothetical situation.

Mike: But Carol you would b*at the pants off me, now can't we just pick something I'm good at?

Carol: Ok fine, how about one on one basketball?

Mike: Ok.

Carol: Great.Basketball, so there we are.

Mike: Why would you want to play basketball against me?You can't even dribble.

Carol: Ah!

Jason: Mike, Carol.How does this sound for my first piece?The id, ego and superego, merging the self in a non fraternal world.

Mike: Ooh, I like that dad.That's great.

Jason: I think so, I like it.I'm excited.

Carol: You're kidding, you understood that?

Mike: Yeah, dad's writing an article about fraternities.

Maggie: Jason, is that a passive sentence?

Jason: Which one?

Maggie: That one.And that one, and this one with the word buzzword in it.

Jason: Pretty good huh?

Maggie: It's funny how some people don't like that word.As a matter of fact some people hate that word.Jason, lose the word.

Jason: Honey, it's not like this is the first time I've ever been published.

Maggie: Yes, that was for other psychiatrists, this is for actual people.

Jason: Why do you think I used the popular term buzzword darling??

Maggie: Cupcake, I'm just trying to give you the benefit of 20 years of journalistic experience.

Jason: And I appreciate that puppy toes and all the love it shows, but I'm going to continue to write about my proven scientific theory while you can confine

yourself to writing about, I'm just going to say it.Waffles.

Maggie: Maybe I'll work on this tomorrow.

Jason: Me too.I'm kind of tired.

Jason: You're opening the window?

Maggie: It's a little stuffy in here.

Jason: Fine, have the house you want it Maggie.Don't worry about my stuff neck.

Maggie: I didn't know you had a stiff neck?

Jason: Oh no, I didn't mention it, because I was afraid you would want one too.

Maggie: Now what is that suppose to mean?

Jason: Oh nothing Maggie, just a little shrink wrap.

The window will now be closed by me which yes I realize is a passive sentence Maggie, but it does get the job done.Stupid.

Maggie: Want me to do it?

Jason: Oh the authority on everything, yes.

Maggie: As a matter of fact, I am.

Jason: You shouldn't have closed the widow Maggie, now you will be uncomfortable.

Maggie: No Jason, because I will be much more comfortable sleeping on the cold hard floor than next to you.

Jason: Oh that's real mature Maggie.How am I going to sleep in this nice warm bed when you're down there?

Maggie: You made your nice warm bed now lie in it.

Jason: I won't and you can't make me.

Maggie: I can't believe you're doing this.

Jason: I'm doing it Maggie and I'm doing it all by myself and I'm doing it better than you.

Maggie: Fine!

Jason: Fine.

Maggie: Goodnight!

Jason: Goodnight.

Mike: Guys we have had Belgian waffles, Mystique waffles, Mushu waffles, Waffles Rancheros.

Does anyone know what the heck that was last night?

Chrissy: Liver onion waffles.Ughh!!

Carol: Knock it off you guys, we have to keep eating these waffles until mom finishes her column.

Maggie: Oh, I finished my column last night honey.

Carol: Then why are you ramming these stinking waffles down our throats!!??

Ben: Waffles!?

Luke: Yes!Excellent!

Carol: I'll get the cereal.

Ben: Ahh!Carol broke my glasses!

Carol: Well, what were they doing on my chair!!??

Ben: That's not important, the important thing is they're broken.

Maggie: Are you sure??

Ben: Yes!They're broken!

Mike: No they're not you nearsighted little weeny.They're just bent.

Ben: They're broken!

Maggie: Well sweetheart if your glasses are broken, a little masking tape will make them as good as new.

Ben: Masking tape!?Uhh... I was wrong, they're not broken, It's a miracle!I can see!I can see!

Jason: Good morning family.

Mike: Hey dad.

Jason: Dearest.

Maggie: My love.I will be taking my column back to Doug's office this morning, It'll be my pleasure to bring yours with me.

Jason: Oh how very thoughtful of you?But then you always are.Oh let me help you with that.

Maggie: Oh thank you Jason, how very thoughtful of you.

Jason: The least I could do.Watch your step.I'll get that.

Maggie: Thank you.

Jason: Ok.

Carol: My gosh!!Those two are ready to go for each other's throats.

Mike: Oh Carol, you sound like a broken record.They're just being lovey dovey.

Ben: Yeah Carol, newsflash maybe they're acting happy cause they're happy.

Luke: Yeah, has anyone heard an angry word out of them all weekend?

Chrissy: If they were really mad they could never hide it from us.

Maggie: Doug would like to see us at 3 o'clock is that ok for you?

Jason: Perfect, see you then.

Carol: There!Now do you see what I'm talking about!?

Mike: Judges?

Luke, Ben, Mike, Chrissy: Een!!

Ben: Well Kenny, my first day of geekdom is officially over.

Kenny: Ben, cool guys wear glasses too you know.

Ben: Yeah!??Name 20.

Kenny: Woody Allen, Hays Forli Ciano, Aco...

Ben: Aco?

Kenny: My sister likes them.

Ben: She's 4 years old.

Kenny: What abut Clark Kent?He wears glasses and he has Lois Lane.

Ben: When he's Clark Kent he doesn't give him the time of the day, but as soon as though glasses come off, ba bing ba boom.

Look over there it's Jessica Hart, I've had a crush on her since the fifth grade, she doesn't even know I'm alive.

Don't breathe here she comes.

Jessica: Hi, aren't you in my third period English class?

Ben: Uhh...

Jessica: I recognize those cool glasses, are you new in school?

Ben: Yes.

Jessica: My name is Jessica, what's yours?

Ben: Kent, Clark Kent.

Jessica: You want to walk me to the bus Clark?

Ben: Sure.Ba bing ba boom.

Maggie: Doug, you slimy snake in the grass.

Doug: You walking Cupee Dog.

Jason: Stanton you old Toad.

Doug: Hey, take it easy I got feelings.

Jason: Sorry.

Doug: Sit.Maggie Malone, Jason Seaver.Talk to me!

Maggie: You old toad!??

Jason: I drew a blank.

Doug: No you stay where you are.I'm coming down there with a letter opener to cut out your heart and stomp on it.I love this business.One minute.

Jason: I guess it would be wrong for us to look at them.

Maggie: Yes. very unprofessional.

Jason: Whoa!!Mine doesn't have a mark on it!

Maggie: Mine does, it's covered in red ink.

Jason: Well that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't like it.

Maggie: Jason, he used it as a coaster.I suppose a congratulations are in order?

Jason: Honey, believe me when I encouraged you to follow this thing through I never dreamed, well I dreamed, but I really didn't think...

Maggie: Jason I'm very happy for you.

Jason: I know you are.I'll make it up to you.

Doug: Ok, well where were we?Oh right.My wife tells me I'm too blunt with people.I'm trying to work on it.Jason, I love your tie.

Jason: Oh thank you.

Doug: Your column wanted to make me toss my cookies.Maggie make a few changes, we can get that in the morning edition.

Maggie: You're giving me the column?

Doug: Of course what did you think?

Maggie: Well I thought...

Doug: I only make marks on my second pass.I just couldn't face reading that again.

Jason: Well was there anything you liked about mine?

Doug: Uhhh....Uhhh....Umm...

Jason: Ok, I get the picture.

Maggie: Oh Jason.

Jason: I got it, I got it.That's no problem, it's fine.That's ok , I'll see you at home.

Maggie: Honey.

Jason: Uh huh.

Maggie: Are you alright?

Jason: Oh yeah.

Maggie: You know after you left, part of me wanted to tell Doug to take his column and sit on it.

Jason: Well that wasn't necessary.

Maggie: Fortunately the part of me that spoke accepted the column.But I did tell hi I resented the way he treated you.

Jason: Well he was blunt, wasn't he, but he was right.

I got a copy of your article Maggie, no buzzwords, no passive sentences, only sharp, intelligent, funny.

Reminded me of the night I danced with Fred Estair.

Maggie: You never danced with Fred Estair.

Jason: Yes I did.I was watching Top Hat on TV.

Fred got up and did some of those steps, made it look easy.I got up and did some of those steps, did a big kick and popped a hamstring.

That's when I realized you have to be a real pro to make something so hard look so easy Maggie.And you are a pro.

Maggie: Oh Jason!Don't you think it's a little warm in here?

Jason: I will open the window.

Maggie: No no, not that kind of warm puppy toes.

Jason: Oh... that kind of warm.
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x04 -  Paper Tigers"}