Jim: All right, let's get started. Umm... Oh, first off, we're supposed to be pushing cardstock this week. So... let's push cardstock this week. Uh, also... [to Dwight] what is this?

Dwight: Tape recorder.

Jim: For what?

Dwight: For recording. Michael is on vacation and he's asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts.

Jim: OK. Uh, Karen, any news from that law firm?

Karen: Yeah, the deal closed yesterday, it's the six month commitment.

Jim: Oh my God, Dwight, what're you doing?

Dwight: What?

Jim: You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office.

Dwight: I'm not.

Jim: Dwight, you know what, just back up, okay, that's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh my God! He's got a Kn*fe!

Dwight: I do not have a Kn*fe!

Jim: No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic Kn*fe to Stanley's neck?!

Dwight: [leans into tape recorder] Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!

Jim: [picks up tape recorder and speaks into it] Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet.

Dwight: Give me it. I am not.

Phyllis: Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in! Dwight, get his autograph for Michael quickly...

Dwight: Jim Carrey did not just walk in, OK.

Karen: Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?

Jim: Oh my God, Karen, you're right, that is Animal from the Muppet Babies.

Dwight: You can't see... You can't see my stomach.

Andy: I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!

Michael: Hey, mon!

Pam: Hey. You have a bunch of messages and... [sees Michael shaking head with beads in hair] that's nice. Hannah quit while you were gone. I guess she memo-ed to file some complaints she had about being a working mother? And so you might also have to be deposed.

Michael: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Relax.

Pam: OK.

Michael: Just relax, OK? I'll get to all of it later.

Pam: It's kind of serious.

Michael: Aren't you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me.

Pam: How was Jamaica?

Michael: It was so good. Oh, Hey mon! At Sandals, Jamaica, when somebody says "Hey mon," everybody says "Hey mon" back.

Stanley: Oh, Michael, I'm glad you're here.

Michael: Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too.

Stanley: My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised.

Michael: OK, well payroll is in charge of all that.

Stanley: They said I should talk to you.

Michael: Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I'm gonna...

Stanley: I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check.

Michael: You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon.

Jim: You want to talk about it?

Karen: Nope.

Karen: I still haven't found an apartment yet. I'm living in a hotel. Yesterday, I saw a "for rent" sign down the street from Jim and he said he didn't think it'd be such a good idea. He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away.

Michael: Feelin' hot, hot, hot! [playing conch shell] Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing.

Pam: That's good. [Michael continues to play conch shell]

Michael: You know, I had never been out of the country before now?

Pam: Huh.

Michael: Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great, you know. They just relax, they party all the time.

Pam: It's kind of an impoverished country.

Michael: Yeah... Gosh. Great. You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three.

Pam: But you can't today, we're doing inventory.

Michael: Inventory's at the end of December.

Pam: We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed.

Michael: I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it.

Michael: Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?

Michael: Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin warehouse inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it.

Angela: By the end of the day? That's impossible.

Michael: The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible."

Jim: Yep, it's English, it's "impossible."

Angela: Michael, there's no way we can do it in time.

Michael: How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some f*re dancers. That's all you need.

Michael: Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling... and settled. Good, there is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? [points to a TV monitor of a picture from Jamaica and reads] "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem." This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here. So what, if we have to stay late to do inventory? No problem.

Pam: Oh my God. Is that Jan? [points to same monitor]

Everybody: What? Where?

Pam: On the left.

Everybody: Oh yeah, oh my God.

Michael: No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue.

Michael: Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.

Michael: [on phone] Hey dude. I just got back from Jamaica.

Packer: Big whoop! I was in Hot-lanta. That whole town is whacked.

Michael: Yeah, that sounds amazing. You know what? The lady Jan Levinson wanted to go to Montego Bay.

Packer: You took the ice queen? I don't buy it.

Michael: Well I'm looking at a photo, right now. And I'm telling 'ya, could be in Maxim.

Packer: They wouldn't give you a subscription to Maxim.

Michael: Oh no?

Packer: No.

Michael: OK. Well, check this out. I am sending you some email. You got it?

Packer: Well, no. I got nothing.

Michael: Check it again. h*t refresh.

Packer: Yeah, Mike, still nothing.

Michael: OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... [reading computer screen] Packer@DunderMifflin.com. Packaging@DunderMifflin.com. Uh oh.

Packer: Wait, I just got it from somebody else. Wow. This is hot. Damn! How do I get you out of this picture?

Michael: Darryl?! Hey. Hi. Where's Darryl?

Roy: He's in the office.

Michael: OK, Hey, man, how's it going?

Darryl: All right, what's up Mike?

Michael: That's great, OK. Um, so did you get an email from me?

Darryl: Yup.

Michael: OK. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not "packaging." Did you already, um, forward to a whole bunch of people?

Darryl: Uh huh.

Michael: OK. Um, well, did you get the second email that I sent? Explaining that the first email was a mistake and that you should delete it.

Darryl: Yup.

Michael: And you sent that out to everyone?

Darryl: Mike, I'm very busy down here. [eats chicken]

Jim: Yikes.

Kevin: Already sent it to you my friend.

Jim: Fantastic.

Andy: Boring. Call me if she rolls over.

Pam: Hey.

Jim: Hey.

Pam: You OK?

Jim: Yeah.

Pam: You sure?

Jim: Yeah. Yes. Um, I'm just in this, like, stupid fight with Karen.

Pam: Oh. You want to talk about it?

Jim: Really?

Michael: I have a special assignment for you.

Dwight: Who's the target?

Michael: A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture. The file name is "Jamaican Jan Sun Princess."

Dwight: What's it of?

Michael: Not important.

Dwight: Unless you're willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment.

Michael: OK, forget it.

Dwight: OK, I accept it.

Jim: So, I dunno, I just feel likes we've been dating a month, right? Same street. I think that might be a little close. A little much.

Pam: Hmm.

Jim: Hmm, what?

Pam: How far away does she live now, like ten minutes?

Jim: Yeah, I guess.

Pam: Honestly, I think you should go easy on her.

Pam: No, I didn't mind helping Jim with his problem. That's what friends do. I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah.

Jim: Hey, thanks a lot.

Pam: Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell... which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan!

Jim: Oh, yeah, How have we not talked about this already? I mean what happened there? Kidnapping? [both start laughing]

Toby: Hey I need to talk to you right now.

Michael: Not now, not ever.

Toby: About you and Jan.

Michael: Aww, none of your business.

Toby: Wish it were true, but it, it uh, seems from that photo that you took, you've entered into an intimate relationship.

Michael: That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops.

Toby: Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife... we don't talk now.

Michael: This is probably the icebreaker you need.

Toby: You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR.

Michael: I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv.

Toby: All right, if you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it.

Michael: No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough, weirdo?

Toby: All right, thanks Michael.

Michael: OK.

Angela: OK, we only have three hours people to plan a whole luau, and you're not helping.

Karen: What are the ingredients of poi?

Phyllis: I called every grocery store in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs.

Angela: Did you try the petting zoo?

Pam: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just a second. Michael, it's Jan on the phone for you.

Michael: Oh, God, no. No, no! Hang up! Hang up! Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I h*t a deer. I h*t a deer with my car. Tell her I h*t a cat. Tell her I h*t a cat.

Pam: He'll call you back. OK, great.

Michael: She bought it? [Pam nods] OK. OK.

Dwight: [to Jim and Ryan] Michael h*t a deer?

Dwight: Michael! Michael! [pokes head through blinds in Michael's office] There's an emergency in the warehouse.

Michael: There an accident? Somebody hurt?

Dwight: No, it's... involves the photograph.

Michael: Oh. God. No, no, no, no, no.

Roy: [starts clapping] Mike, you are a rock star, man. You are the man! Well done.

Michael: All right. [continued clapping and cheering for Michael]

Roy: That corporate booty, he likes to h*t it!

Michael: Hello. Hi. Attention everyone. Um, apparently, there is an email circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rating picture of me and a woman---

Kevin: Jan.

Michael: No, Kevin. A woman. Maybe Jan, maybe...

Jim: Urkel Grue.

Michael: My point is that, if you get it, I would ask that you just delete it. Sight unseen. Let's be professional, all right?

Michael: Feelin'... feelin' hot, hot, hot! [plays conch shell]

Pam: Hey.

Michael: Hey.

Pam: What are you doing out here?

Michael: Island living. You know?

Pam: Jan called. She's coming in later to talk to you.

Michael: Did she say what it's about?

Pam: That's all she said.

Andy: Ole ole - ole ole... Ole ole - ole ole. People in the party - hot hot hot [playing conch shell]

Jim: Uh, I think you dropped this [hands over piece of paper]

Karen: You sure?

Jim: Definitely.

Dwight: I have disconnected the office T1 line. I have ordered that that [referring to large picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica on the wall] be taken down and destroyed all print outs from the bathroom.

Michael: There are copies in the bathroom?

Dwight: There were. A lot of them.

Michael: All right.

Karen: I think I owe you one.

Pam: Sorry?

Karen: For talking sense into Halpert. The Day's Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing.

Pam: Oh, yeah, no. Don't worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous.

Karen: Yeah, but... thanks. Seriously.

Pam: Sure.

Darryl: Oh, yes! Yes! What'd I tell you? I knew he'd turn up [holds up an iPod inside speakers] You see that? This is the greatest night of my life.

Dwight: Who did this to you? [refers to Pam crying] Where is he?

Pam: What? No, it's not... it's nothing.

Dwight: [takes off coat to tie around waist] It's hot in here.

Pam: Yeah.

Dwight: Yeah.

Pam: [Dwight hands out handkerchief] Thanks. You don't need to stay here.

Dwight: I know. [puts arm around Pam who continues to cry] So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?

Jan: Hello everyone. Hello Michael.

Michael: Guh.

Kevin: Hi Jan, you look... tan.

Jan: I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister.

Kevin: Yeah. How was it?

Jan: Very sunny. Family's important. Michael, I would like to speak with you, in your office.

Michael: OK, yup.

Jan: Why am I here, Michael?

Michael: I...

Jan: In the last year, I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not... communicate. This is nether here or there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies and that for once, I should indulge them. You following me?

Michael: I... I... Yes.

Jan: I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even, even if it means... lowering my expectations or, or redefining the word, itself.

Michael: OK, yeah.

Jan: This is the kind of thing, you know? I am... attracted to you. I, I don't know why, I... but, I am. And, I need to follow my instincts. At least that's what Dr. Perry thinks.

Michael: Who is Dr. Perry? I...

Jan: This is the point, OK? You're wrong for me. In... In... every way. But I still find myself wanting to... be with you.

Michael: And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well.

Jan: Good, good.

Michael: So, umm... thanks for coming by. So, I, uh...

Jan: Well, good, OK. Thank you... for taking the time...

Michael: Well thanks for coming over, I appreciate - [Jan leans over and kisses Michael passionately]

Jan: Wait 15 minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo.

Michael: Jan, you... complete... me.

Jan: Oh, God.

Roy: Hey, remember when we were planning our honeymoon and you wanted to go to Hawaii and I wanted to go to Mexico?

Pam: Yeah.

Roy: I was definitely right. [both laugh] Oh, brother.

Kevin: What am I going to do? [Refers to large pictures of Jan and Michael] I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art. [smirks]
{"type": "series", "show": "The Office", "episode": "03x12 - Back from Vacation"}