[The scene opens on three business professionals rushing through a small airport terminal]

Norris: How am I supposed to walk into that meeting with no presentation? How the hell did you screw this up?

Valerie: It wasn't me.

Russ: She's lying.

Valerie: No, we agreed.

Russ: Her team had all the financials.

Valerie: (to Russ) And we were swamped modeling them. That's why we agreed that you would do the slides.

Norris: Well, one of you screwed up, so please try to figure it out, 'cause when the client dumps me, I need to know who to f*re.

Valerie: Look, I confirmed it in an email. Hold on.

[They stop on the tarmac by the plane. Valerie finds the email on her phone]

Valerie: (holding the phone up in front of her boss) Here.

Norris: (after reading the email on Valerie’s phone) She did tell you about it, Russ.

[Valerie shows the email message to Russ, who looks at it but is having a hard time seeing it. The message is blurry]

Russ: I… I never got this.

[Russ looks peaked and his breathing is shallow and rapid]

Valerie: Russ, are you okay?

Norris: Are you drunk?

Russ: I'm not drunk. (He vomits onto the tarmac)

All: Oh! Ah!

[Russ wipes his mouth and looks up at Norris and Valerie]

Russ: I'm not drunk.

[Russ runs back into the airport terminal]

Valerie: I had no idea he was drinking again.

Norris: Well, you should have.

Valerie: Give me five minutes. I'll go to the business center and print the graphs directly from the spreadsheets.

Norris: Run. And bring me some paper towels.

[Valerie starts for the terminal but stops and grabs her head with both hands as a loud booming sounds in her ears]

Valerie: Ah! Ow! Ah!

Norris: What?

Valerie: Ah! Ah! Oh, it hurts.

Norris: Don't tell me you were drinking too.

Valerie: No. Ah! My ears. Oh my God. Oh. Ohhhhh.

OPENING CREDITS

[The scene opens on House seated behind Wilson’s desk at PPTH. The entire team is gathered around]

Foreman: 27 year old female intense, intermittent ear pains, saw six doctors…

House: Tell her to stop lurking in the front row. If she wants to h*t on musicians that's what four buses are for. Next.

Taub: If I ask why were in Wilson's office is there any chance I'll get a straight answer?

House: Try it. Try it.

Taub: 14-year-old boy, joint pain and excess hair growth.

House: Tell him to masturbate, no more than 3 times daily. With meals. Next.

Foreman: Did I mention that the 27-year-old female is really hot. And her husband is really not…

House: Wild guess, he's rich.

Foreman: Not unless social workers have g*n pulling in the big money recently.

House: (holding out his hand) Gimme...

[Chase, who is holding the file, hands it to House]

Thirteen: You're taking the case because she's hot?

House: No, that would be an accident of genetics. It's because she's hot and her husband is ugly. It's a fascinating window into the mysteries of human psychology. Also, she's really hot.

Thirteen: Or... She, you know, loves her husband.

House: (reading the file) She loves something about him.

Chase: Vitamin deficiency? She changed her diet a few months ago.

Foreman: To a healthier diet, raw foods, lots of nuts.

House: It's not the ear, it's the heart. Her protein is cheese, which can raise cholesterol. Hers was already elevated. Gave her arterial blockages.

Chase: Cardiac arrhythmia presenting as ear pain. Very rare. Cool.

House: So, beauty and the beast. (He hands the file back to Chase) Who wants to go see? (House’s phone rings)

[The team heads out the door and House rises to follow them, taking out his phone as he goes. He closes Wilson’s office door, leaving the team to wonder why he is not following them. House checks his phone. The caller is someone named Wibberly. He presses the “ignore” button.]

[Cut to Valerie’s hospital room, where the team, minus House, has assembled]

Valerie: Let's see – Dr. Taub, Foreman, Chase, and Hadley.

Taub: Four for four.

Valerie: Wow, I can't believe I get all these doctors, and such good-looking ones too.

[They have transferred Valerie to a wheelchair and all four of them wheel her out of the room]

Thirteen: Yeah. It's almost like we don't all need to be here.

Chase: Your case presented a very interesting diagnostic challenge.

Valerie: Oh.

[Cut to Wilson entering his office. He turns on the light to reveal House sleeping on the couch]

Wilson: (sighing) You can't sleep in your own office? Or bedroom for that matter?

House: (rolling over) Got to avoid my natural habitat. Some idiot I went to med school with keeps leaving messages and wants to drop by for lunch.

Wilson: So tell him no.

House: It's complicated.

Wilson: It's too complicated for you to tell someone you don't like, to screw off? That's practically your hobby.

[Wilson opens the blinds, letting in bright sunshine and causing House to wince]

House: A few months ago he was... sort of part of my therapy. My shrink told me to write a letter of apology to someone I hurt.

Wilson: (taking off his coat and putting on a labcoat) And how did you hurt him?

House: We were in a seminar on flatworm genetics. I switched my final paper with his.

Wilson: You plagiarized? Doesn't sound like you.

House: I was testing a theory. I thought that our professor was biased against me. I assumed he'd get a high grade with my paper and I'd get a low grade with his. Interestingly, I was wrong. I got an "A.”

Wilson: So you're in this mental hospital, delving into your subconscious, and this is who you choose to apologize to?

House: Yep. Lorenzo Wibberly.

Wilson: Of all the people in the world you've hurt?

House: Not everyone has a name that's so easy to find in the white pages.

Wilson: Um... I'm in there, and so is Cuddy.

House: Yeah. And yet, I picked him. It's funny, isn't it?

Wilson: (grabbing a patient file and heading for the door) Yes, it's hilarious. Great to see what a success your therapy was. (He leaves, closing the door behind him)

House: (loudly) We said we'd never go to sleep angry.

[Cut to Taub and Thirteen wheeling Valerie back to her room after the test. Her husband, Bill, is with them]

Taub: We did find an arrhythmia. But it's not from your arteries. They're clean.

Bill: Will the pain come back?

Thirteen: We'll start her on cardiac meds. That should help. But we still need to figure out what's causing the arrhytxmia.

Russ: (sitting in a chair in the corner of Valerie’s room) Hey, Valerie.

Bill: (holding out his hand) Russ. It's so nice of you to stop by.

Russ: (ignoring Bill) I got lots of free time now.

Valerie: You don't blame me, do you? You were drunk in front of Norris.

Russ: No. No, no, no, no, no. I'm drunk now. Then, it was like someone poisoned me or something.

[Thirteen motions to Taub, who hurries out of the room to get help]

Thirteen: Maybe you should come back later.

Russ: (rising) Okay. I just wanna say good-bye.

Valerie: Okay, Russ. Thank you for coming by.

[Russ leans down to Valerie and puts his hand around the back of her neck. Thirteen grabs his arm and Bills pulls him from behind and shoves him away from his wife]

Valerie: Hey!

Bill: Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey. What are you doing?

Russ: (to Bill) You poor son of a bitch. She doesn't love you any more than she loved me.

Thirteen: Okay, you need to leave right now.

Bill: (confused) You're pretending you had an affair with my wife?

Russ: Yeah, we're all pretending. You got nothing to worry about. (He looks at Valerie)

Valerie: Tell him where you were six months ago, Russ.

Russ: I had a breakdown. I had some paranoid tendencies, as they say. But it turns out, I had a right, to be paranoid.

Valerie: You need help.

Taub: (coming back into the room with two security officers) Get him out of here.

Russ: Okay. Okay.

[Russ forms his hand into a g*n, pretends to sh**t Valerie and then leaves with the security officers]

Valerie: Oh, my God.

Bill: (kneeling before his wife) Honey, are you okay?

Valerie: (sniffling) Yeah, I'm okay.

Taub: We'll keep an eye out. He's not getting back into the hospital.

Valerie: (to Bill) He's making all that up. You know that, right?

Bill: Yeah, of course.

[Thirteen looks at both of them questioningly]

[Cut to House lying full out on the sofa in Cuddy’s office. He has his phone on speakerphone as he talks to the team, who are all gathered around the table in the diagnostics conference room]

Chase: Where are you?

House: Undisclosed location.

Taub: Who are you hiding from?

House: (looking at two framed photos on the coffee table) Wilson. And the lunch date that Wilson is, no doubt, right now trying to sic on me. But in the great game of chess that is our relationship, Wilson sees only one move ahead. (He sits up and picks up the photos) I see dozens. That is why he will never mate me. (When there is no response from the team, House clarifies) That's a chess term.

[House looks at the two photographs. One is of a younger Cuddy, standing in, what looks like a jungle, holding a lemur. At her feet is a chimpanzee. The other photo is a recent picture of she and Lucas. A scheming House looks around the office]

Foreman: That's great. A co-worker confronted our patient. Altered mental status. Basically accused her of poisoning him. We think he was projecting.

House: So he's poisoning her.

Chase: What could he get his hands on to cause supraventricular tachycardia?

House: (riffling through Cuddy’s desk drawers) Does he have dry skin? Thin eyebrows? If you're sharing an amazed look, please do it louder.

Taub: He might have. How did you know that?

[House finds a pair of scissors and some tape, and limps back to the couch]

House: If he has hypothyroidism and he dumped his meds in her coffee, that would make her heart go boom. (taking one of the photos out of the frame) In a bad way.

Foreman: We'll treat with beta blockers.

Thirteen: I'm sorry, but I totally disagree.

Chase: With what?

Thirteen: With everything. Why are we assuming he's lying and she's telling the truth?

Foreman: Because she's a successful, happily married consultant, and he's a crazy, drunk weirdo who we just tossed out of the hospital.

House: (taking the other photo out of its frame) And she's hot.

Thirteen: Maybe she picked him because he's vulnerable. There's something off about her, I can feel it.

Foreman: If you had any evidence, it would be –

Thirteen: Why didn't she tell us a co-worker puked on her shoes right before she collapsed?

Foreman: Because it's medically irrelevant. He was drunk, she was sick.

[House sits looking at both photos as Thirteen and Foreman argue]

Thirteen: You don't think it's suspicious she didn't even mention it to her husband?

House: Yeah, Foreman. Why did you break up with Thirteen? Oh, no, wait, the non-subtextual thing she was saying, why that?

Thirteen: This is about the case, not some imaginary issue that you think Foreman and I have.

House: Great, start her on beta blockers.

[House turns off his phone and starts to cut something out of one of the photos]

Foreman: (to Thirteen) You'll do it.

Thirteen: I don't think he was talking to me.

Foreman: Well, I am.

Thirteen: I'm the only one who thinks you're wrong.

Foreman: Maybe that's why I'm asking you to do it. (Thirteen leaves the room)

[Back in Cuddy’s office, House puts the defaced photos back on the table and sits looking at them, proud of his handiwork. In the jungle photo, Cuddy is now holding Lucas’ head, while in the other photo, House has replaced Lucas’ head with that of the chimpanzee. House’s expression turns sour as a man walks into the office]

Wibberly: Greg? Lorenzo Wibberly. Dr. Wilson said you'd be here. How ya been?

House: (to himself) Check, and mate.

[Cut to the hospital cafeteria. At a table, Wibberly is eating, while House drinks a cup of coffee]

Wibberly: Look... I'm sorry this is awkward or whatever. I just thought it was nice of you to write that letter, and I wanted to tell you that you don't have to feel bad.

House: (looking uncomfortable) Thanks. So where are you working these days? You got your own practice or you at a hospital?

Wibberly: I thought you knew. Dani's, the organic supermarket chain.

House: As an in house doctor?

Wibberly: I actually never got licensed. I didn't graduate med school. I planned on going back, and then my father got sick and I had to take care of him and had some bad luck.

House: Why didn't you graduate?

Wibberly: I was one credit short. And I was sort of already on academic probation. So...

House: (almost afraid to ask) Which credit?

Wibberly: I got a, uh... He failed me on that paper you switched. I thought you knew.

House: (hopefully) So I'm guessing you're the CEO of this supermarket chain?

Wibberly: I bag groceries. Life works out weird sometimes.

[House looks rather remorseful]

[Cut to Valerie talking inside the MRI. Thirteen is in the control room]

Valerie: We were gonna do it in Santa Barbara because of his parents. But then I found this beautiful hotel in Montauk and –

Foreman: (entering the control room) You're testing her for a brain tumor?

Thirteen: That's what I told her. You can chastise me after you look at the monitor. Look what's lighting up.

Foreman: Lateral frontal cortex, Broca's area – so what?

Thirteen: I told her it was customary to talk during MRIs, to relax. I spent the last 30 minutes asking her about everything in life that she loves, then hates, then feels any emotion about at all.

Foreman: (looking at the monitor) There's nothing in the paralimbic system, amygdala.

Thirteen: Because she's using the language part of her brain and bypassing the emotional. She can understand love and pain and empathy, but she can't feel them at all. She's a psychopath.

[Cut to House, Thirteen, and Foreman walking down a hospital corridor toward Valerie’s room]

Thirteen: Why do you want to meet her so badly?

House: Psychopaths always fascinate me. I think it's their cultural literacy and strong family values. Or is that Jews?

Foreman: We're not gonna be able to get an honest read on her unless we figure out a way to get the husband out of there.

House: Hmm. I got an idea. (to Bill) Can you get out of here? Thanks. (Bill leaves. House looks at Foreman) It was the "thanks" that did it.

House: (to Valerie) Hi, I'm Dr. House. How long have you been a psychopath?

Valerie: (glancing at Thirteen) Are you kidding?

Thirteen: He's not.

Valerie: Are you saying I'm like Ted Bundy or something?

House: Psychopathy can get a bad rap. It doesn't necessarily mean you're violent. Just that you're completely without conscience, you lack any normal emotion, you manipulate everyone around you, you're promiscuous, you lie pathologically. Any of this ringing bells?

Valerie: (to Thirteen) Is that why you were asking me all those weird questions?

House: Yeah – though you have Darwin to thank for that. She got the creeps around you. Which oddly, is an actual medical phenomenon around psychopaths. Probably an evolved response to predators.

Valerie: I'm sorry, you're really freaking me out. I have no idea what –

House: Relax. We have a duty of confidentiality. And you have an undiagnosed heart problem that could k*ll you at any moment. We believe that your mental abnormality is related to your physical one. So if you want to keep on predating...

[Valerie pauses for a moment trying to decide whether or not to be truthful]

Valerie: (bluntly) What do you want to know?

[House looks at Thirteen, who steps up to the bed]

Thirteen: Your co-worker's story was true. You poisoned him.

Valerie: No. I gave him a little valium and an emetic.

House: You sure you understand what the word "no" means?

Valerie: I've had them both before, why can't he?

Thirteen: So you were just helping him out? And I assume he was cool with the whole seducing and f*ring part too?

Valerie: Russ knew what he was getting into. He got sex every Thursday night, and I got to take credit for his best ideas.

Foreman: And what are you getting out of your marriage?

Valerie: Same thing you get out of your job. Bill has a trust fund. And I have a prenup his parents made me sign.

House: Told you he was rich. She's not that weird.

Valerie: I'm not so different than anybody else. Everyone I've ever known – my family, my classmates, the people I work with. They're all out for themselves. Difference is, I could admit it to myself.

Thirteen: She kind of reminds me of someone I know.

House: Tell me about it. Some of my co-workers will insult people right to their faces. How long have you been this way?

Valerie: Just how I am. Are you gonna cure my heart problems now?

[Cut to House, Thirteen, and Foreman walking down a hospital corridor toward the elevator]

House: So psychopathy plus cardiac arrhythmia. Go.

Thirteen: I thought you were bluffing to get information. You really think they're connected?

House: Two rare conditions in one patient, it's a fair assumption they are.

Thirteen: Psychopathy is generally just genetic. Nothing you can do about it. Something that hits 30 years after birth isn't gonna be connected.

House: Her disease isn't gonna lie dormant that long. Did her heart warp her brain?

Thirteen: Maybe a handful of diseases.

House: It'll be super awesome when we find it. (He stops in front of the elevator and pushes the button)

Foreman: Tertiary syphilis can cause pseudopsychopathic syndrome and cardiomyopathy.

House: Fits best. Start her on penicillin, and rule out Wilson's and Hashimoto's. There's your handful. Wasn't so hard, was it?

[House gets into the elevator and Thirteen turns to go treat the patient. Foreman pauses a moment and then gets on the elevator with House]

Foreman: You've gotta do something about Thirteen. She flouted both my authority and yours.

House: Yes, and she got it right and you got it wrong.

Foreman: Which just aggravates the problem. She'll do it again. Next time it won't work out so well. You gotta punish her.

House: You're her boss. In some vague, never to be usefully defined way. You punish her.

Foreman: I'm also her ex, which, as you know, makes it a little complicated.

House: The fact that you also fired her takes it from a little complicated to a little moronic.

Foreman: It was the only way I could –

House: It wasn't because you were too in love with her. It was because you were too in love with your career. We're almost at my floor so I'll summarize. Your problem, not mine. (He gets off the elevator)

[Cut to House entering the clinic. Cuddy is standing at the main desk]

Cuddy: You cut up my only copy of that photo.

House: That rare daguerreotype. You can charge me for the effort it takes to search your hard drive for a new copy.

Cuddy: (she follows House to the door of an exam room) Not the one of me and Lucas. The one from Ecuador.

House: Right. I had forgotten your deep emotional attachment to lemurs.

Cuddy: To my dad.

House: You got his tail?

Cuddy: He was holding the camera. That was the last trip we ever took together. And I don't have a digital copy.

House: Well, I could stand here all day apologizing, but I'd rather expiate my sins with good clean work.

[House enters the exam room, where Wilson is treating a patient]

House: You ignoring my texts?

Wilson: The crazy ones you sent trying to get me to make you feel better about destroying your classmate's life? No, I never got those.

Jose: ¿Y este quién es? (Who is this?)

Wilson: (in poor Spanish) Él es un doctor de medición (He is a doctor of medical.)

House: También de la medicina (Also of medicine.) Doctor Wilson me llamó a una consulta (Dr. Wilson called me in on a consult.)

House: Wibberly's got some agenda. Probably trying to guilt me into getting him a better job.

Wilson: How pissed was he?

House: Not at all. That's how I know he's got an agenda.

Jose: (rubbing his eye) Me duele mucho (It hurts a lot.)

House: Entonces no te lo hubieras golpeado (Then you shouldn’t have h*t it.)

Jose: Trabajo en condiciones muy peligrosas (Very dangerous working conditions.)

Wilson: If you feel guilty, you should do something to help. You are responsible.

House: No te preocupes. (Don’t worry.) El Dr. Wilson es un muy buen médico.

Wilson: Thanks.

House: Quién tiene una enorme consideración por los pacientes por su propia batalla fatal con impotencia. (Dr. Wilson is a very good doctor. Who has enormous empathy towards patients which stems from his own crippling battle with male sexual dysfunction.)

Wilson: What?

House: All I'm responsible for is the foreseeable consequences of switching papers. A bad grade or a sleepless night, worst case, a retest. There was no way to know that one seminar paper was gonna destroy this idiot's life.

Wilson: If there's any karma in all this, he's probably happier than you are.

House: Good point. If he's happier, there's no harm done. I'll go find out.

Wilson: That is absolutely not what I said.

House: (to Jose) Always with the modesty, this one.

House: La siguiente vez que tu quieras drogarte secretamente y confundir tu dedo con un clavo, las gotas para los ojos son buen remedio, pero usa menos por eso es que estas llorando demasiado. (Next time you want to get secretly stoned at work and mistake your thumb for a nail? Eyedrops are a good call, but use less, that’s why you’re tearing up so much.)

Wilson: What did –

Jose: Ah, dice que tu eres muy buen doctor (He says you are a very good doctor.)

Wilson: Hmm...

[Cut to Wibberly opening his front door to House]

Wibberly: You want something to eat?

House: I'm cool. How's work? You happy with it?

Wibberly: You know... It's a job. I don't need to take any work home with me at least.

House: Free time... Wouldn't have any of that if you were a doctor.

Wibberly: Yeah. True. You like chili? I could reheat some.

House: (looking out the sliding glass doors at the back of the house) Is that your yard? That's nice.

Wibberly: Yeah. That sugar maple, 100 - 150 years old. Most beautiful leaves in the fall. Sitting underneath on the bench – It's like paradise.

House: I don't have a yard, myself. You got a good thing going.

Wibberly: I know.

House: (looking around the living room) So what are the boxes for?

Wibberly: I'm moving.

House: From paradise?

Wibberly: Well, my dad's medical bills and me being one of those idiots that got an adjustable mortgage. So…

House: You're losing your home.

Wibberly: Hey, it could be worse, right?

House: How?

[Cut to Taub and Thirteen talking with Valerie and Bill in her room]

Taub: Even if the tests are positive, you don't have to worry.

Bill: You're testing for syphilis, not a cold.

Valerie: Honey...

Taub: At this stage, it's probably not communicable.

Bill: You think I'm worried about myself? I just want my wife to get better.

Thirteen: She might have caught it at birth. So it doesn't prove she was cheating. If you were worried about that.

Bill: Of course not.

Valerie: How many weeks am I gonna have to – (coughing)

Bill: (to Valerie) You okay? Why is she coughing?

Taub: I don't know.

Bill: Do you want some water? (He takes the water pitcher off the bed table and goes to get water)

[Valerie stops her, obviously fake, coughing and turns to Thirteen]

Valerie: Are you thr*at by me?

Thirteen: (surprised by the abrupt turn in behavior) Not at all.

Valerie: (coldly) Well, you should be. You let him know what I told you, I will not only have your license pulled, I will sue you for everything I lose in the divorce. So the fun you get out of making those snotty little comments, is it worth $19 million? Oh, wait, will you hold that look? I'm really bad at showing emotions. How's this? (She gives a little hiss of surprise)

Valerie: (to Bill, who has come back with a full pitcher) Thanks, baby.

Thirteen: Can I have your arm please?

[Thirteen turns over Valeries arm. There is a sharp snap and the arm breaks]

Valerie: Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! My arm! You broke it!

[Cut to House, Taub, Thirteen, and Chase gathered around the table in the diagnostics conference room. Foreman is leaning against the bookcase behind House]

Thirteen: I don't know what happened.

House: (looking at a lab report and then putting it down on the table) Neither do I, but I know what happened after. She called Cuddy and demanded that I kick you off the case. I backed you up, because I trust you. But you're gonna have to earn that trust now.

Thirteen: Thanks.

Taub: (reading the lab report that House put down) Actually, he backed you up because of the new B.U.N. creatinine numbers. Brittle bones were from kidney failure.

House: There is that. So, heart and kidneys.

Foreman: And brain.

House: Nope, psychopathy is not a symptom.

Chase: It was yesterday.

House: In the meantime, kidney failure ruled out syphilis and testing ruled out the other ideas that would've fit.

Foreman: Protein levels, kidneys, arrhythmia. Could be paraneoplastic. I'd say lymphoma.

House: Get her to radiotherapy.

Thirteen: We can't start radiation without immunoassays on her urine.

Foreman: Great, so you cast a spell and magically fix her kidney so she can give us some urine to test.

Thirteen: We have some left over from admission.

Foreman: Not enough for a completely accurate reading.

Thirteen: Then how about partially accurate?

House: Those of you who haven't slept together, you can go. Everyone else, stay behind.

[Chase gets up and leaves, but Taub just sits there, looking at House]

Taub: Oh. Sorry. (to Thirteen) That was our secret, right? (He leaves)

House: (to Foreman and Thirteen) Go have sex.

Thirteen: No, thanks.

House: Fine, I'll cover the Viagra and the lubricants. Just get me a receipt.

Foreman: We have zero feelings for each other.

House: (rising from the chair) Well, that's too bad, 'cause things worked much better when you did. Would it help if I slept with her?

Thirteen: We were getting to a diagnosis.

House: No, we were already at the diagnosis. You were creating a fake argument about an irrelevant treatment issue, 'cause you can't stand to be around each other. So have sex, fight or quit, I don't care. Whatever you're doing now isn't working. (He picks up the file and goes to his office)

[Cut to Valerie being rolled out of her room, leaving Bill standing in the doorway. Thirteen is still in the room]

Thirteen: (to Bill) You okay?

Bill: Yeah. Look, I get that you gotta act fast – Radiation? You definitely ruled out everything else?

Thirteen: I'm sorry, but... We could still check for environmental toxins. Where does she spend most of her time?

Bill: Mostly at work, at home –

Thirteen: Hobbies? Recurring activities outside the home?

Bill: No, not really. She took a landscaping class, at the Y.

Thirteen: When did it meet?

Bill: Every Thursday night this summer.

Thirteen: You dig in soil, you can be exposed to pesticides, heavy metals, lots of bad things. Can you find out all about her landscaping class, where it was, details like that?

Bill: Yeah, I'll do it now.

[Cut to House in the control room of the radiation suite. He pushes the mike button so that he can talk to Valerie, who is undergoing radiation therapy]

House: So when you watch Star Wars, which side do you root for?

Valerie: Dr. House. What are you doing?

House: Just checking in on your radiotherapy.

Valerie: From what I hear, you never visit patients. And now, you've come to chat with me twice.

House: I want to know how you like being a management consultant. I'm thinking of getting into it. That or psychopathy maybe. Which pays better?

Valerie: I think you're already into one of them. Dr. Hadley made a joke yesterday. She said I sound like you.

House: I'm sure you understand what “joke” means.

Valerie: So you're not just out for yourself? For example, you would never interrupt a sick woman's treatment just because of some personal obsession?

House: Of course I'm self-interested. We all are. We're born that way. The rest of us are born with consciences.

Valerie: Which is something you just sound ecstatic about.

House: I'm not saying it's logical. I'm just saying it's human.

Valerie: So if you know your conscience is just an animal instinct, you don't need to follow it. I think you realize that. That's why you're talking to me.

[House switches off the microphone]

[A quick nighttime exterior sh*t of PPTH and then the scene cuts to Valerie, who is back in her hospital room. Thirteen is with her. Bill enters]

Bill: You - You lied about your landscaping class. Dr. Hadley thought the soils might be poisoned.

Valerie: (to Thirteen) You told him that?

Thirteen: I just thought –

Bill: Russ said you were having an affair. Was that your cover? Every Thursday night you'd –

Valerie: I'm so sorry.

Bill: Oh, God.

Valerie: It's not what you think. Do you remember that telecom case I said that we didn't get last year? In fact, we did, and I was swamped. Every Friday morning we had a conference call with London, so the night before I would –

Bill: That's your excuse? You expect me to believe that you were at the office?

Valerie: What's the biggest argument we've ever had? You said I spend too much time away from home. That I don't need a job, that you would take care of me.

Bill: Yeah, that's all true.

Valerie: You yelled at me. You made me feel like you didn't value anything that I did. I need this job to feel like I'm accomplishing something on my own. That's why I lied to you.

[Thirteen is watching Valerie’s excellent performance with a look of incredulity on her face]

Bill: If I call your office tomorrow and I check –

Valerie: Call my office, call my secretary, call my clients – interrupt their dinner, wake them up, I don't care. I just want you to know the truth. You know I love you. Come here. Please. (Bill shakes his head, but comes to the bed. Valerie pulls him down and puts her arms around him) It's okay.

[Over Bill’s shoulder, Valerie shakes her head and sh**t a look at Thirteen, almost daring her to say something about the lies she just told her husband]

[Cut to Valerie talking to Cuddy about Thirteen who is also in the room]

Valerie: f*re her.

Thirteen: What for? You seemed to have lied your way out of any trouble.

Valerie: Until Bill checks up on my cover. And I have to create a whole new one to cover that one up. I've done it before but it's a pain. And I would like Dr. Hadley to share that pain.

Cuddy: She didn't reveal any confidences, and she had a valid medical reason to ask about your landscaping class.

Valerie: We can see what a jury says about that.

Cuddy: And admit to your husband the truth? You're not gonna sue us. We will remove Dr. Hadley from all patient contact.

Thirteen: What?

Cuddy: But it's for Dr. Hadley's benefit, not yours. We have no obligation to inflict you on her. (Cuddy starts to leave, but pauses when Valerie speaks)

Valerie: Fine. (to Thirteen) But just so you know, this is not for your benefit. Dr. Cuddy's furious that you put her hospital at risk. She just knows it's a bad idea to admit it in front of me.

Cuddy: Think what you want. By the way, your orderly's outside. But I'd wait about another ten minutes if you really want your husband to think you're having radiation treatments.

[Cuddy leaves. Thirteen is about to follow her, but is stopped by Valerie]

Valerie: Dr. Hadley, are you by chance gonna cry? 'Cause that's one I just can't do.

[Thirteen, looking tearful, leaves the room]

[Cut to a quick exterior, early morning sh*t of PPTH and then to Thirteen sitting alone in the diagnostics conference room. Her phone vibrates]

Thirteen: (picking up the phone) Hello? This is Dr. Hadley. (listening) What?

[Cut to Thirteen walking determinedly into Valerie’s room. Chase and Bill are in the room]

Thirteen: (angrily) You called the medical board?

Valerie: What is she talking about?

Thirteen: Accusations of sexual harassment. You don't think I know it's you?

Chase: Thirteen, come on.

Thirteen: You already got me fired from the case. What else do you want?

Foreman: (appearing at the door of the room) Dr. Hadley. Get out here now.

[She turns away from Valerie’s smug expression and goes out into the hallway with Foreman]

[Cut to Foreman and Thirteen talking in a empty procedure room]

Foreman: You're acting like an idiot.

Thirteen: (still very angry) She's trying to make me lose my license.

Foreman: And she'll fail, unless you're stupid enough to go in there and scream at her.

Thirteen: Sexual harassment accusations are incredibly serious.

Foreman: If she made them anonymously, the case goes away. If she used her name, we all back you up, it goes away. You're completely overreacting.

Thirteen: You'd be pissed off too if you were me. Or maybe not, I don't know. You're just about as emotional as she is.

Foreman: I'm doing you a favor.

Thirteen: I know. And even when you try to do something nice, you sound like a jerk.

Foreman: I'm sorry.

Thirteen: For what?

Foreman: For f*ring you.

Thirteen: Don't do that, that's not what this is about.

Foreman: Then I'll apologize anyway. I did it for me. Not for you. I realized that right after I fired you. But I couldn't admit it. Screwed everything up. I hope that we can still work together. (Foreman’s pager goes off and he hurries out of the room)

[Cut to Taub and an orderly wheeling Valerie quickly down the hall. There is blood running down her face and neck from her mouth. Foreman is explaining the situation to Bill]

Foreman: Something's wrong with her liver. Blood flow is backing up, spilling into her esophagus.

Bill: From the cancer?

Foreman: This isn't lymphoma. We don't know what it is. We can wrap bands around the veins, but the bleed is so bad, that might not work. I want to try something called a "tips," a shunt that makes the blood bypass the liver.

Bill: That – that'll save her?

Foreman: It should help preserve her liver and heart. The liver cleans out toxins, bypass it too long, she'll get brain damage, eventually die. That's still probably less dangerous than bleeding out now.

[Taub and the orderly wheel Valerie through the doors to the OR. Foreman remains outside, needing to get permission from Bill]

Bill: Probably? Valerie, she usually makes the decisions.

Foreman: You gotta step up now.

Bill: Was she cheating on me?

Foreman: I can't discuss –

Bill: Just tell me she wasn't lying. Just tell me that. I'm supposed to make this decision? I don't even know who she is anymore.

Foreman: Either way, you gotta do it right now.

Bill: Do whatever you think is right.

[Foreman rushes into the scrub room, peeling off his labcoat as he goes]

[Cut to the diagnostics conference room. House and the team are running a new differential]

Chase: I'd give her a day. Two days at the most.

House: Great. You be the clock. Everyone else will be the doctors. Heart, kidneys, now liver.

Thirteen: Amyloidosis?

Chase: No speckles on the MRI. Alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency?

Foreman: Too much kidney failure.

Taub: Primary hepatic fibrosis?

House: That's our best guess. Start her on steroids.

Chase: Even if we're right, the liver's probably too scarred. We've got to list her for a new one.

Thirteen: With an unconfirmed diagnosis? Not gonna happen.

Foreman: How about a family member?

Chase: I don't think the husband is the right blood type. Even if he was, he's not gonna give his liver now.

Thirteen: He left her, I assume?

Taub: Not yet. Says he won't abandon her while she's sick. She have any other family members?

Thirteen: No one's gonna risk their life to save hers.

House: Man, one false accusation from a psychopath, and you turned out to be a real bummer. I'm gonna go see if Wilson has the liver left.

[Cut to House sitting at the desk in his office. He is writing something]

Wilson: (entering the office) What are you doing?

House: Paying Wibberly's mortgage for a few months. (He rips the check out of the book) Congratulations on another successful round of hectoring.

Wilson: Wait a minute, is that actually a check for him?

House: No. It's a giant novelty item for winning the lottery. You're just standing really far away.

Wilson: Of all the people to go the extra mile for, why this guy?

House: (putting the check in an envelope) I don't know. He just kinda smells good and makes me laugh.

Wilson: Why not Cuddy? You never apologized after you defaced her photo.

House: Maybe because I recognize that sending someone to the poorhouse is a little more serious than editing a snapshot.

Wilson: No, it's because Cuddy actually means something to you, which makes it much harder to apologize.

House: (addressing the envelope) Oy. If it will make you shut up, I will tell her I'm sorry about the photo.

Wilson: Forget the photo. House, she was in love with you. (House licks and seals the envelope) And all she got in return was abuse. For years you toyed with her emotions.

House: She wasn't in love with me.

Wilson: The fact that you still can't admit it just proves my point.

House: (fed up, and leaning back in his chair) What do you want? Helping the guy was your idea.

Wilson: No, help the guy, whatever... I'm just pointing out that it's much easier to soothe your guilt by throwing money at a stranger than by making amends to a person you actually care about.

House: You had me at "much easier." I'm gonna pretend to go to work now. (House bangs loudly on his keyboard, and pretends to return the carriage as if on an old typewriter) Bing! (Wilson, looking disgusted, leaves)

[Cut to a woman leaving Valerie’s hospital room. Thirteen sees her and, finding out who she is, runs down the stairs in an attempt to catch up with her. She intercepts her in the main lobby]

Thirteen: Sarah? I'm Dr. Hadley. I'm–I'm sorry to bother you, but I was told you're Valerie's sister? I was just surprised you came to visit.

Sarah: Yeah, so is the rest of my family.

Thirteen: I was even more surprised you got tested as a donor.

Sarah: Wrong blood type.

Thirteen: But why? I mean, you know what she's like.

Sarah: She's not that bad.

Thirteen: Yes, she is.

Sarah: Our dad was a mean drunk. I was the older sister. I was supposed to stand up for her, not the other way around.

Thirteen: She protected you when you were kids?

Sarah: Yeah, and then all of a sudden... All of his crap and all of his abuse... It just changed her. It made her cold.

Thirteen: When?

[Cut to House sitting at his desk, feet up, and fiddling with the envelope containing the check to Wibberly. Thirteen rushes in]

Thirteen: We were wrong. Psychopathy is a symptom. I spoke to her sister. She wasn't always like this. She changed, and right around adolescence.

House: So liver, heart, brain, can lie dormant, and, it starts at puberty. (he pauses, thinking) The raw food diet made it go fulminant... Nuts are high in copper. It's Wilson's Disease.

Thirteen: We ruled that out. No keyser-fleischer rings.

House: There is one other sign. I know there are lipstick lesbians. Are there nail polish remover bisexuals?

[Cut to House and Thirteen entering Valerie’s hospital room]

Bill: She's not supposed to be here.

House: As a doctor. You didn't say anything about her capacity as a beautician's assistant.

[House takes a bottle of fingernail polish remover from Thirteen, and wetting a cotton ball, puts it on one of Valerie’s fingers. He rubs it a bit, and when he removes it, the top of her fingernail is blue]

Bill: Her fingernail's blue?

House: Yep. (to Thirteen) start her on chelation.

[House leaves]

Valerie: What just happened?

Thirteen: You're gonna get better. Your body has an inability to process copper. It caused all of your problems. Even what's wrong with your brain.

Bill: And that's gonna change too?

Thirteen: It's probably rewired her neurons permanently by now.

Valerie: But it's possible?

Thirteen: Maybe. I have to go get the chelation equipment. Bill, I need you to sign some forms.

[Bill follows Thirteen out of the room. They stop in the hallway to talk]

Thirteen: You don't see what she's doing? She's laying the groundwork to get her treatment, wake up a completely different person, so that you and all of your money stay with her. It's a lie.

Bill: You said there was a chance.

Thirteen: Okay, there's a teeny chance. But even if it cures her, it's not going to make her love you.

Bill: I was happy before...

Thirteen: I know. And I'm sorry, but it wasn't real.

Bill: It felt real. I don't know... Maybe that can be enough.

[Cut to House and Wibberly sitting in Wibberly’s living room]

Wibberly: You're really doing this for me?

House: Tax shelter. I'll take some of that chili now.

Wibberly: (holding the check) I can't accept this.

House: Fine. Forget the chili. Bye, Wibberly. (House stands up to leave)

Wibberly: (stopping House) I got an "A+” with your paper. I was an orthopedic surgeon for ten years at New York Mercy. I had a gambling problem. I tried to cover it by over-billing some medicare patients. Lost my license. That's why I'm here. Not because of you.

House: Why are you telling me this now?

Wibberly: (sighing and standing up) Because I thought you'd be the same bastard you were in med school, but, uh... (He hands the check to House, who takes it)

House: (giving the check back to Wibberly) Keep it.

Wibberly: No, I can get another place.

House: Just take it. I screwed you over.

Wibberly: (giving the check back to House) You got me an "A+.”

House: Take it.

Wibberly: No!

House: (yelling) Do I have to shove it down your throat? (He pries open Wibberly’s hand and forces the check into it) Take the damn check!

[They look at each other for a moment, then Wibberly holds out the check. House takes it and leaves]

[Cut to Valerie’s hospital room]

Thirteen: Your vitals are up.

Valerie: Treatment's working.

Thirteen: I’m not sure we can fix your liver, but we can definitely list you for a new one.

Bill: When you're better, we're gonna take a long vacation. You wanna go to Vietnam, one of the beaches, we're gonna get a hut. Just you and me, nothing to worry about.

Valerie: (to Bill) You're pathetic.

Bill: Wha–what?

Valerie: I mean, when you had a suspicion, fine. But you know now. How can you be this pitiful?

Bill: You don't mean this. You're sick.

Valerie: I'm not sick. I almost died and I still might. And who knows, maybe it's focusing my mind because the idea of spending the rest of my life with you –

Bill: Valerie...

[Valerie turns her head away. Bill, looking hurt, picks up his coat and leaves]

Thirteen: Why did you do that?

Valerie: Because he's pathetic.

Thirteen: He hasn't changed... But you have. The treatment actually worked on your brain. If you were still a psychopath, you would've just kept draining him dry.

Valerie: What do you want?

Thirteen: You're feeling something. What is it? What do you feel?

Valerie: I don't know. It hurts.

Thirteen: It will.

[Valerie stifles a hitch in her throat, and for the first time, looks truly upset]

[Cut to Foreman sitting alone at the table in the diagnostics conference room working on his computer. Thirteen enters]

Foreman: Heard about the diagnosis. Nice job.

Thirteen: Thanks. Why are you here so late?

Foreman: Discharge summary. Taub's handwriting isn't helping much. Apparently on the third day of admission, the patient underwent “rabbit thumping.”

Thirteen: (taking the clipboard) Um... Radiotherapy.

Foreman: Ah.

[She sits down and starts to read the notes on the clipboard to him]

Thirteen: Third day after admission, patient underwent radiotherapy including external beam radiation... (She pauses and looks at Foreman as he types) To treat b-cell lymphomas. First treatment was... (flipping to the next page) full mantle therapy...

[The final dialogue free scenes are set to Why Try to Change me Now sung by Fiona Apple]

[Cut to House approaching Cuddy’s office at the end of the day. She is sitting at her desk. He starts to enter, but Lucas appears beside her, hugging her as they look at something on her computer. House looks down, unable to proceed with Lucas there, then he turns and leaves]

[Cut to House walking up the snow covered walk to Wibberly’s house. It is dark, but there are lights on in the house. He goes up onto the porch, and slips the check for $5000.00 through the mail slot. Then he turns and walks back down the walkway]

THE END
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "06x12 - Remorse"}