[The cap of a home-video camera obscures our view. We hear Abbey moaning]

Dr. Taylor: Okay, you're doing good. You're doing good.

Abbey: You've still got the thing... [the lens cap is ripped off to reveal a woman in labor in a hospital bed. The film is obviously that of a home-video.] The stupid thing is still on…?

Justine: Mom, you don't have to yell at me.

Abbey: I've been in labor for over a dozen hours, Justine, and I have to yell. I thought you were gonna miss the whole thing.

Justine: Mom, it's a three-hour drive.

Abbey: That's why I called you yesterday after my water broke. [she moans again]

Justine: I'm sorry. A partner just dropped a brief on my desk.

Dr. Taylor: Okay, you're doing good.

Abbey: Yeah, right. I remember what it's like, but family comes first. [groans]

Dr. Taylor: I need you to keep pushing. I can see her head.

Nurse: All right, come on. We're doing good here.

Abbey: Get this. This is what I wanted.

Justine: Gross…

Nurse: You're crowning.

Abbey: Are you getting — getting this?!

Justine: Kind of. Well, not the actual vagina.

Abbey: It's your baby sister!

Justine: It's my mother's vagina!

Abbey: Aaaaah!

Dr. Taylor: Freeing the shoulders.

Abbey: Aaah!

Dr. Taylor: Here she is — oh my God!

[monitor beeping rapidly]

Dr. Taylor: Get the NICU team in here. Baby's hypoxic.

Justine: Is something wrong?

Abbey: What's going on?!

Justine: I don't know, mom.

Abbey: My baby! How's my baby?

Justine: What are you doing?

[Overlapping noise as the NICU team rushes into the room]

Abbey: What are they saying?

Justine: I can't tell.

Abbey: Find out what's going on!

Dr. Cheng: You need to back up. Turn that off.

Nurse: She's not responding.

Abbey: What's happening? [a hand partially obscures the camera lens] What's wrong with my baby? [the camera swings downward towards the floor] Why doesn't someone talk to me?!

[Opening credits]

[Several patient files are tossed onto the table in the diagnostic room]

House: Cancel your dinner plans. [Taub, Foreman, and Chase open the files] Short on medical history. She's only eight hours old. What she's not short on is doctors. Unfortunately, none of them have been able to solve her breathing problems.

Foreman: Immature lungs?

Taub: Full term, and they gave her surfactant. Looks like they're fully developed.

[Cuddy enters the room and walks over to House]

Cuddy: I need you a minute. [she heads into House's office]

House: [brief pause] Silent reading time till I get back. [he follows Cuddy]

Cuddy: My nanny called. Her daughter has a dance recital tonight. She can't work late. [House eyes her in confusion] And I have a board meeting tonight.

House: [shrugs] That's a problem.

Cuddy: My mother can't come. She has a cooking class.

House: Oh, you've really got a problem.

Cuddy: [sarcastically] If only there were... some mature adult in my life who could pinch h*t in emergencies like this.

House: Love to, but I'm catching up on my back issues of Nudist Circus. You should see what the fat lady's got under her big top.

Cuddy: All I need is a warm body. She'll be asleep the entire time.

House: I got a sick baby here who needs me. Yours is healthy.

Cuddy: You could deal with your team by phone.

House: How about a little something extra when you get home?

Cuddy: I'm not bargaining sex for babysitting. Besides, you owe me.

House: For what?

Cuddy: Sex! I still don't see a female doctor in that room. It's making me very unhappy.

House: Fine. Out of the goodness of my heart, which will make you happy, which will make you desire me more, which will turn into more sex.

Cuddy: Be at my place at 7:00.

[House re-enters the diagnostic room]

Taub: The sperm donor card from the father did note a history of asthma.

House: What if her lung problems are not coming from her lungs?

Foreman: Her heart looks fine.

Chase: Her liver enzymes are elevated.

House: When the liver fails, it stops producing proteins. Specifically the ones that keep your plasma inside your blood vessels and outside your lungs. Fix the liver, she'll have enough breath to keep the entire ward up all night. [the team begins to get up] Foreman... you need to stay after school. [the remainder of the team leaves the room] I apparently need to apologize. Last week, I should not have gone over your head and allowed Chase to hire a new team member. So go hire someone who liked The Bridges of Madison County.

Foreman: Do you want me to hire a white girl?

House: Go find a woman, and wipe that self-satisfied grin off your face.

Foreman: This'll be quick. I've been interviewing people all week. I have it narrowed down to two candidates.

House: Well, narrow it down to one before Cuddy starts withholding sex.

Foreman: [smirks] Uh, she hasn't said anything to me about that.

House: I said, wipe the grin. [he leaves the room. Foreman looks after him almost affectionately.]

[An animated childrens' show plays on a flatscreen TV. It apparently features a red-and-yellow cat and a dog. They fight in a sandbox.]

House, VO: Yeah, she's fine. I can hear her breathing on the monitor. [the camera pans over to show him eating popcorn in front of the TV] I just checked. I'm checking every ten minutes. Fine. I'll check again.

[Baby breathing on monitor. House claps the phone to his chest and leaves it there for a few seconds while he eats popcorn. Then...]

[faux baby-talk] Oh, she's so cute when she's asleep. You should see this. She's–she's–she's got one hand over her head. Okay, well, you take as long as you need. [he closes the phone and gets up]

[Cut to House opening a kitchen cabinet. He apparently finds nothing to eat.]

[He opens another. This one contains nothing but sippy-cups.]

[He opens the fridge. After looking for a minute, he takes out some orange juice and drinks straight from the bottle. He then closes the door to find Rachel staring at him. House looks back at her in silence. They stand there for a long moment.]

Rachel: I'm thirsty.

House: Your mommy says no, 'cause she's mean. [shrugs] If it was up to me...

Rachel: Juice!

House: No. Go back to bed. [she runs into the dining room instead.] I said bed! [she looks back at him mockingly and heads around the table]

[House pulls out his phone and speed-dials a number]

House: Wilson! Hey. [smiles] You up for a boys' night in?

[Cut to Abbey's baby. Taub is preforming an ultrasound. The room is full of people in scrubs.]

Taub: Believe it or not, breathing problems can be caused by a liver problem.

Abbey: Then what's wrong with her liver?

Taub: Probably an abscess. If we find it with the ultrasound, we can drain it, make her better. You'll be able to take her home by the end of the week.

Justine: Is she bleeding?

Chase: She's oozing from her IV site. It's a symptom of liver failure. It's what we would expect to see.

Foreman: Dr. Cheng, we might need a unit of blood over here.

Taub: Echogenic area in the liver. Can you make it out?

Foreman: Doesn't seem to have the thick walls you'd expect from an abscess.

Taub: Lift her left shoulder so we can get a better look.

Abbey: Oh, can I do it? I haven't been able to hold her yet.

Dr. Cheng: Uh, she's hooked up to too many tubes and IVs.

Abbey: Can I at least donate blood?

Dr. Cheng: Of course. We'll draw your blood and see if you're a match as soon as we're done here.

Foreman: That's definitely not an abscess.

Chase: It looks like dilated bile ducts.

Abbey: What does that mean? Can I still take her home soon? [there is a long pause as none of the doctors answer]

[Cut to team in diagnostic room. A new member, Dr. Christina Frasier, is sitting with them.]

Taub: You were right about the liver. On ultrasound, we found intrahepatic dilated bile ducts. Extrahepatic ducts were normal.

House, via speakerphone: [Soothing baby-talk] Are there any masses causing an obstruction? [Chase does a double-take.]

Taub: No. [long pause. He's leans closer to the phone] Are... you okay?

House: [sitting on Cuddy's couch with Rachel, attempting to calm her down] Just talking in a soothing voice. Not for your benefit. [cut back to team] Why? Is it turning you on? [Taub looks uncomfortable]

Foreman: House, there's someone here I need you to meet. I just hired Dr. Christina Fraser. She's a board certified—

House: Nice to meet you. [high, squeaky voice] You're fired.

Dr. Frasier: ...What?

Foreman: House... you're kidding, right? I've done my due diligence. She's the best there is.

Dr. Frasier: What did I do?

House: You had the misfortune to be the lesson that Foreman is learning. That whooshing sound is the air being let out of his ego.

[Dr. Frasier sits in silence for a moment. Then she tosses her pen down on the table and stalks out of the room.]

Foreman: [angrily] You are such an ass, House. You could have made the same point without crushing the hopes of a young doctor who was actually excited to have this job.

House: No, I'm not sure I could have. [Chase looks tired, and Taub and Foreman dispirited] I think you give me far too much credit. Taub... [cut back to House and Rachel] it's your turn to find a young doctor who's actually excited to have this job.

Taub, via speakerphone: For you to f*re?

House: Not until you or she earns it. [cut back to team] Dilated bile ducts could be congenital.

Chase: That means that it's a stricture in the ducts themselves. Caroli's syndrome.

House: So, open her up.

Taub: Surgery? [he glances from Chase to Foreman in disbelief] This is a newborn with liver failure. She's oozing blood from every puncture site. It's insanely risky to open her up.

House, via speakerphone: Yes. It's unfortunately also the only way to fix her. [cut back to House] So make teeny, tiny incisions with a really small scalpel. [Doorbell rings] Gotta go.

[Taub hangs up]

[House opens Cuddy's front door. Wilson is standing there with a bag of Chinese food, looking disgruntled]

Wilson: You told me you gave them your credit card...

House: And you were dumb enough to believe me. [Wilson walks into the house and sees Rachel. House picks up his jacket] Cuddy'll be back in an hour and ten minutes... I'll be back in an hour and five.

Wilson: [follows House to the door] Ohhh, no, you don't.

House: Oh, yes, I do.

Wilson: [shocked] You're not gonna leave the kid?

House: Yes, I am. [he begins putting on his coat] 'Cause unlike you, I don't have a conscience.

Wilson: [tries to get past House to the door] And unlike you, I'm not having sex with Cuddy, so I actually can leave. [House parries, and they end up pressed against the door.]

House [in Wilson's face] You're bluffing. [Wilson tries to speak] I'm leaving.

Wilson: You're not gonna leave a two-year-old unattended.

House: Sure. I'm leaving her with you. A responsible adult. [he opens the door and leaves]

[Wilson peeks in at Rachel. She smiles at him from the couch. Wilson dashes out the door after House.]

Wilson: Better get back in there. Kid's all alone. [they walk down Cuddy's front yard towards the street.]

House: It's kind of bugging you, isn't it?

Wilson: Not my problem.

House: [they descend the steps to the sidewalk] Well, since, objectively, you care more about leaving a child alone than I do, it kind of is.

Wilson: Objectively, since I never accepted this responsibility, it kind of isn't. [he opens his car door]

House: [mounts his motorcycle] True, and yet it is. Because you're you.

[Wilson's engine starts. House's motorcycle revs up.]

House: I'm leaving.

Wilson: I'm leaving.

[They make eyes at each other while both g*n their engines]

House: [confidently] You're not gonna leave. You can't. [Wilson struggles with that for a minute]

Wilson: [he turns his engine off and gets out of the car] Fine. You're right. [he walks up to House] You know what I can do? I can go in there and call a babysitting service for 15 bucks an hour, then call Cuddy and tell her who's watching her kid and why.

House: [he considers that, then turn off his engine as well.] I'll stay if you stay. [Wilson stands there for a long moment.]

[Cut to House and Wilson reentering the house. House gets into the living room first, then pauses in shocked disbelief. Wilson follows him, and also stops. The camera lingers on their stunned faces. Rachel is sitting in an expl*si*n of popcorn, paper, cardboard, noodles, and various paraphernalia.]

Wilson: [he and House still frozen] ...We were gone two minutes.

[Rachel plays with something in her mouth]

House: [still appearing rather shellshocked] What have you got there, sweetie? [Rachel looks amused. Wilson kneels cautiously in front of her.]

House: [coaxingly] Come on now, spit it out.

Wilson: Come on, sweetie. Open. [Rachel continues chewing. Wilson begins miming an opening mouth with his hand] Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah. Bah bah bah!

[House kneels down beside Wilson. The camera takes them in from Rachel's point of view]

Wilson: [awkward baby-voice] Open... [Rachel opens her mouth, and Wilson attempts to find whatever she was eating. She bites.] Ow! [he finally retrieves a quarter. House and Wilson look annoyed and frightened.]

House: [now in the foreground] Rachel... how many coins did you eat? [Wilson nods encouragingly in the background. Rachel looks from one to the other and doesn't answer. House and Wilson look at each other.]

[Cut to PPTH OR. The team is working on Abbeys baby, along with several NICU doctors.]

Chase: Isolating the common bile duct.

Taub: And mobilizing the distal end for cannulation.

[Monitor beeping rapidly]

Foreman: BP is down to 50 systolic. You've got to stop the cannulation.

Taub: I haven't started yet!

Cheng: h*t her with a bolus of phenylephrine. That should buy us enough time to get in and dilate those bile ducts.

Foreman: BP is rising. 70 systolic.

Taub: Nice. I'm in the common bile duct.

Cheng: Advancing past the cystic duct. No strictures or blockages so far.

Foreman: BP is dropping again.

Chase: Another bolus of phenylephrine.

Cheng: She can't take more. The first bolus is still in effect.

Foreman. BP is still dropping. We've got to pull out. We're done.

Taub: I was barely in.This doesn't make sense.

[The team exits the OR, still in their scrubs]

Foreman: The liver problem alone is not gonna mess with the baby's BP. Whatever this is, it's got to be affecting her heart.

Chase: Heart plus the liver. Could be tuberous sclerosis.

Foreman: Or it could be a vascular malformation in the liver, causing both problems.

Taub: So what do you guys think of Dr. Cheng?

Chase: Best treatment for a vascular malformation is surgery. And I think your wife thinks you shouldn't think anything of Dr. Cheng.

Foreman: No surgery. A newborn baby can't handle another trip to the O.R.

Taub: I didn't mean think-think. I meant think as a... potential hire.

Chase: What if we started the baby on steroids an anti-angiogenesis agent, and dopamine?

Foreman: Could work just as well as surgery. Snap those bad blood vessels shut. I'll call House to get approval. [pulls out his phone while Taub and Chase continue towards the elevator.]

Taub: So, what was that shrug? A "Dr.-Cheng-could-work" shrug? Or a "House-is-gonna-crush-you-for-even-consi

dering-her" shrug? [Chase shrugs again. Taub is irritated] ...You suck.

Chase: House is gonna hate anyone we hire, because he doesn't want to hire [gesticulates wildly] ...anyone.

Taub: So you think I should abstain? Just give the decision back to him? [Foreman can be seen in the background trying to contact House]

Chase: Then he'll just mock you for being a wuss. You're screwed.

Taub: Unless... House feels like hiring her is his idea...

Foreman: Still not answering. We should just start the treatment.

[Cut to House rubbing Rachel's stomach with a fridge magnet. She giggles. Wilson enters the room, deep in calculation.]

House [looks up at Wilson] She opened up a Chinese food bag to eat money. [glances resentfully at Rachel] What an idiot.

Wilson: [perusing the restaurant menu] Okay... you ordered the moo shoo pork... and the orange cashew chicken, right?

House: Like I always order. Did you clean up in there?

Wilson [absently] Yeah. It's good enough. ...Okay, so with tax, the change should have been 68 cents. [sighs] There's only 58 cents out there. There's a dime missing.

House: [shrugs] Well, he could have shortchanged you. Fridge magnet's not getting anything.

Wilson: [exasperatedly] That's because it's a fridge magnet! Unless she swallowed a Canadian dime, it's not magnetic.

House: Really? [Wilson nods] I mean, kids swallow things all the time, right? [Wilson shrugs] I mean, she swallowed a dime, she poops it out. She'll be fine.

Wilson: Absolutely. [pause] Unless it gets stuck in her intestine and causes a blockage, which could k*ll her.

[Door opens in the other room. House and Wilson look terrified.]

Wilson [whispers] ...Then she won't be fine. You have to tell Cuddy.

House; [also whispering] Well, then I won't be fine!

Wilson: If you don't tell Cuddy, I will go out there and tell her myself!

House: [hissing] Yeah? What are you gonna tell her? Are you gonna tell her that... you left coins out? [he advances on Wilson, who backs away] And you left her child unsupervised?!

Willson [still backing up] Hey, hey, hey! You are not gonna pin this on me! [he opens the screen on Rachel's window] Rachel needs to be monitored for 24 hours to see that the dime passes. [he swings one leg out the window] You know, just to make sure she doesn't die.

House : [outraged] You're telling me to do the right thing while climbing out a window!

Wilson: [erratic gestures] Shh! Shh shh shh shh! Tell her! [he leaves. House glaces irresolutely from the window to Rachel's crib, then heads into the hall.]

Cuddy: [enters the hall] Did she wake up at all? [House looks guilty, but says nothing]

House: ...One time.

Cuddy: [immediately worried] That's not like her... is she all right?

House: She's fine. [Cuddy smiles and kisses him] How about I stay the night? Then you can really thank me.

Cuddy: I have to get up early. You won't be able to sleep in.

House: I'm a deep sleeper. [Cuddy smiles and heads into her bedroom. House starts to follow her, but stops to look guiltily at Rachel's door.]

[Cut to Abbey looking at her baby at PPTH]

Taub: Round two. Did Justine go home? [Abbey gets up from her chair]

Abbey: Said she was going downstairs for a few minutes. A few hours ago.

Taub: So... you two are close?

Abbey: Well, it's been getting better, actually. At least she's here in the building. That's pretty supportive for her. [Taub looks at the baby] What is it?

Taub: She's pinker.

Abbey: Is that bad?

Taub: That's good. ...That's very good.

[Baby cries]

Abbey: Was that her?

[Baby cooing. Taub picks her up.]

Abbey: Can I hold her?

Taub: I think it's long overdue.

Abbey: Oh! [Justine approaches the room and watches her mother from the doorway] Ohh... My first time... Finally...

Justine: Technically, it's your second time.

Abbey: [looks up at her older daughter] I didn't mean—

Justine: I know, mom. [she looks sad and tired]

[Abbey coos to the baby, but continues looking at Justine. Taub watches them both.]

[Cut to the MRI room in the pediatrics ward. The walls are covered with bright paintings. Dr. Cheng is performing an MRI on a young girl while her mother stands by. She enters the booth to find Taub waiting for her.]

Taub: Looks like it was a vascular malformation. The Grogan baby is better.

Dr. Cheng: Nice job! [she sits down and talks to the girl in the MRI machine] Okay, ready, honey. So stay very, very still and hold your breath. Don't move.

[The girl's leg twitches]

Cheng: [exasperatedly] She moved. They always move.

Taub: [sits down] ...It is a good job. [Cheng nods] Diagnostics. Solve a mystery, save a life. But I suppose you're pretty attached to pediatrics?

Cheng: [gestures for him to wait] I'm sorry, Ms. Young, but I'm gonna have to ask you to restrain your daughter. [pause] Now the mom's not gonna want to do it, because she'd rather I just keep blasting her daughter with radiation... [she looks at Taub] You're telling me... that there's an opening in House's department?

Taub: Would you be interested?

Cheng: No more kids, no more parents. One case at a time instead of seventeen? [she nods] Set up the interview.

Taub: It's possible you won't need to interview. [Cheng looks at him questioningly]

[Cut to Cuddy and House in bed. Cuddy is happily asleep, but House is lying stiffly on his back, wide awake.]

[Rachel snuffles come through the baby monitor. House jumps up at once.]

Cuddy: [Half-awake] Huh?

House: [leans over her for a split-second, then leaves the room at a run] Relax, I got this.

Cuddy: [bemused] Oh... thanks.

[Rachel looks at House as he changes her diaper]

House: [cringes at the smell] Pfft! [Rachel laughs. House puts a small light in his mouth and begins examining the contents of Rachel's diaper. Cuddy wanders in, still looking half-awake.]

Cuddy: Is everything okay?

House: [snatches the light out of his mouth] Yeah, sorry, I'm just... new to all this.

[Cuddy looks confused and weirded-out, but accepts his explanation and leaves the room.]

[House looks down at Rachel]

[It's morning. House is still asleep, and Cuddy's getting dressed. She sits down beside him]

Cuddy: You want me to reset the alarm?

House: [opens one eye] God, no. Case is under control. I'm sleeping in.

Cuddy: Your boss must really like you. [she kisses his cheek and leaves. The camera lingers on House for a moment.]

Cuddy, from the other room: Hey, Marina! [House jumps up] Pasta's in the fridge

for lunch... [House's phone rings. He answers it.]

House: I assume, since you're calling so early, that the surgery was a rousing success.

[Cut to diagnostic room, where the team is getting their morning coffee]

Foreman: And I assume, since you still think we actually did the surgery, you haven't checked your messages in eight hours. Where are you?

House: I believe this is what your people term a "poopy call".

Foreman: [chuckles confusedly] Uh, the word is "booty".

House: Well, I don't know what you're doing, but this is a poopy call.

Taub, over the phone: It's not Caroli's syndrome. Dr. Cheng spotted a—

House: [confusedly] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?! I know about the Jew, the black, and the croc-hunter, but when did we get our Asian persuasion on?

Taub: [exasperated] Dr. Cheng... is the NICU attending on the case. And she's not here.

House: Well, then I just wasted a perfectly good racial epithet.

Taub: She spotted a vascular malformation in the baby's liver.

House: Good call... Except for everything you just said. There's no way that our patient has a vascular malformation. [stands up from Cuddy's bed.]

Chase: And you can tell that from the vast amount of information you've gleaned from not being here?

House: Don't need to be there to remember that the patient's A.L.T.s were three times normal. The baby's liver damage is far too extensive. Dr. Cheng's an idiot.

Taub: In fairness, it wasn't completely her idea. More of a Foreman kinda thing. [Foreman looks indignant, and Taubs shrugs at him.]

House: Well, then you're an even bigger idiot for trying to cover for her.

Foreman: House, we treated for a vascular malformation, and she got better!

House: [pause] No, she didn't. Call me when she crashes again. [hangs up]

[The team makes a variety of annoyed faces at each other.]

Taub: ...That went well.

[Cut to a hospital room in PPTH; Abbey hums a lullaby while holding her baby. Justine enters with her arms crossed.]

Abbey: Everything okay? Come on. I know that look.

Justine: I'm just... not used to seeing such emotion coming from you.

Abbey: I just gave birth. I'm, like, one big vat of hormones right now.

Justine: It's not just the hormones, mom! You're different with her. It's okay. It's good. It's just... I can't help thinking "where was this mom when I was growing up?"

Abbey: Wow. I never realized you considered me such a failure as a mother.

Justine: I don't consider you a failure. I just — [sighs] ...I never knew that there was an alternative.

[Abbey looks sadly down at the baby] Hmm. I think she feels wet. Can you hold her a sec? I'm gonna grab a diaper. [whispers] Okay...

[Justine takes the baby.]

Justine: Mom... something's wrong.

Abbey: Oh! Nurse! She's bleeding again! [The baby's entire backside is covered with blood. The nurses rush in and take her from Justine.]

[Cut to the front doors of PPTH. House and Wilson sidle up and look through them. House is pushing what looks like a laundry cart and fiddling with a heap of blankets inside it.]

Wilson: [quietly] All right, she's in her office. Move fast.

House: [cautiously pushing the cart inside] You see a double-wide tuchus coming this way, you scream like a girl.

Wilson: [nervously] If Rachel wakes up, she's gonna tell Cuddy everything.

House: She's two! Last night, she was whining about the giant moose that lives outside her window. [they hurry through the lobby. Cuddy can be seen emerging from the clinic in the background.]

Wilson: Medusa at 6:00! [they begin to run] Don't look back. Move, move! [Cuddy, unsuspecting, renters the clinic.]

[Cut to Wilson moving Rachel onto an exam table. She wakes up almost immediately. Wilson looks taken-aback. She smiles happily.]

Wilson: [awkwardly] Hello. [They stare uncomfortably at each other for a long moment.]

Wilson: [puts his outspread hands up to his temples] Hello... I'm the friendly moose who lives outside your bedroom. [Rachel looks upset and pulls her shirt up over her eyes.]

House: [annoyed] She hates that moose.

Wilson: [rolls his eyes] Hand me the gel.

[House does. His cell phone rings, and he pulls it out.]

Wilson: [to Rachel] ...Okay.

House: [to Taub over the phone] Make it short. And do not pardon the pun. [Wilson gestures for the ultrasound want, and House hands it to him.]

Taub: [choppy and indistinct] She's crashing again. Where are you?

House: [backs into the door, where a "no cell phones' sign is visible] Is it actually important that I understand what you say?

Taub: What? [the call disconnects]

[House hangs up and heads over to the landline while Wilson continues prepping the ultrasound.]

[Line ringing]

House: Yeah?

Taub: The baby's bleeding again.

House: I'm shocked! Oh, no, wait a minute — that's you.

Taub: Yes, you're a genius.The bleeding means her liver is still failing. It's not a vascular malformation.

Wilson: [looking at the ultrasound monitor] House, come take a look at this.

House: Hold that thought. [he presses the phone into his shoulder and goes to stand next to Wilson.]

Taub: [over the phone] House, no! I need you!

Wilson: [points at the screen] Just past the ileocecal valve.

House: [worried] It's nothing. It's just an irregularity.

Wilson: It's a dime!

House: Or a pocket of air.

Wilson: Yeah, with FDR's face on it.

House: That's not a face. It's a shadow.

Wilson: House, the thing is perfectly round.

House: Well, move the wand to the side.

Rachel: [laughs] Tickles!

Wilson: [baby voice] That's because I'm the tickle monster.

[Rachel giggles]

Wilson: Gonna tickle you even more! [to House] Look at–look at that.

House: [shakes his head] We need an X-ray to be sure.

Wilson: Great, just give her an unnecessary dose of radiation. It's a dime!

[Pounding on door. House and Wilson jump and look at each other frantically]

Taub: [from outside] House, I know you're in there! Open the door! [House and Wilson look unsure what to do]

[More pounding. House finally heads to the door, while Wilson attempts to conceal Rachel with a tiny cloth.]

[House opens the door a crack, and slips out, slamming it behind him. He looks nervous and sweaty.]

Taub: I saw your extension on the call. What are you doing down here?

House: Uh, Wilson's got a two-year-old with cancer. She's in a lot of pain. It's very sad.

[Rachel giggles happily from inside the room. Taub looks at House.]

House: He also has an outstanding bedside manner. [Taub still looks suspicious]

Taub: ...Her liver failure is getting worse. You were right. Now what?

House: The interesting question is not why she's worse now, but why she got better in the first place.

Taub: Could have been something we did that temporarily relieved the—

House: What'd you put her on again?

Taub: After the transfusion, we gave her steroids, dopamine, and the anti — [pauses] steroids can treat idiopathic hepatic fibrosis. It would explain why she got better and then worse.

House: But not the multiple dilated ducts.

Wilson: [from inside the room] House, I need you back in here! [Taub looks at House pleadingly]

House: Cancer kid trumps liver kid. [he enters the room and Taub tries to follow him.] Sorry. Confidentiality. There are rules, you know. [he slams the door in Taub's face]

Wilson: That... is a dime.

House: [looks at the monitor] It looks mobile. And it's right in the middle of the colon. Prime location for pooping out. We'll give her some laxatives to help it on its way.

Wilson: [to Rachel] Sounds to me like someone's going to get some yummy chocolate. [he imitates a chewing motion with his hand, and Rachel does the same.]

Chocolate. Yum-yum-yum.

House: [looks at Wilson and takes the ultrasound wand back from him] You're gonna make a great mommy one day. [He gets his epiphany-face and rushes to the door. Taub is still outside.] Thanks for waiting. Hook the mom up to the baby. Direct blood transfusion.

Taub: ...And what else?

House: Nothing else. [He retreats into the exam room, and Taub gapes at the door.]

[Cut to hospital room. Abbey is hooked up to her baby, who looks amazingly improved.]

Taub: [looks at the child] It's amazing. She's pink and healthy again.

House: Mother's touch.

Abbey: It's a miracle. Thank you.

Taub: A blood transfusion isn't a cure.

House: Or a miracle.

Taub: [quietly] Then why does the baby seem like she's cured?

House: I have no idea.

[Cut to hall outside Abbey's hospital room, where the team is assembled.]

House: Our patient can either go through life with the world's longest umbilical cord, or we can discuss the differential for magic blood. [The door slides open, and Dr. Cheng walks out. Taub beckons to her.]

Cheng: [smiles and approaches them] Baby's O2-stats

are holding.

House: Either you're Dr. Cheng, or you're early for my mani-pedi.

Taub: I thought her expertise could—

House: Could tell us the O2-stats. [speaks to Cheng] I hope you come with some original ideas. [Chase does a double-take.]

Cheng: Either the mom's blood is special, which would mean it's treating something specific, which means the baby has a disease... Or mom's blood is just blood, and it's replacing something the baby is missing, which means the baby has a simple deficiency.

[Foreman looks at House, who thinks for a long moment.]

House: Given the liver failure, a deficiency of clotting factors, enzymes, or vitamins are the most likely.

Dr. Cheng: So let's find out. Hook the baby up to someone else's blood and see if she gets better.

House: Find a donor.

Taub: I'm O Negative, universal donor.

House: Hook yourself up. Dr. Cheng, hook me up. Walk with me. [they head down the hall.] My team seems to have taken a shine to you.

Cheng: I like them too.

House: I assume you're hanging around because you want a job.

Cheng: That would be a fair assumption.

House: Well, I'm gonna have to test you. Let's say, two-year-old... swallowed a coin twenty hours ago. She's gonna be fine, right?

Cheng: Any signs of obstruction?

House: For the purposes of this quiz, let's say "not yet".

Cheng: I'd give a laxative, although I wouldn't wait too long. Her bowel could become ischemic, or worse, an intussusception.

House: [look uncomfortable] Define "too long."

Cheng: Another six hours, max. By then, her system is clear. If it's not out, it's not coming out.

House: And then what do I do? [hastily] I mean, what do you do? It's your test.

Cheng: [slightly surprised] I'd go in with a scope and get it. [pause] Did I pass?

House: [enters the men's bathroom] It's not up to me. Talk to Taub.

House: [to Wilson, who's giving Rachel laxative candies] Men's room?

Wilson: Turns out toilets are handy in this situation. And I felt relatively sure that Cuddy wouldn't come in.

House: Oh, Cuddy's been in here.

Wilson: Seriously? This must be a terrible place to have s— [he cuts himself off, remembering Rachel's presence., and gestures awkwardly.]

House: [leers at Wilson] Is there such a place? [brings himself back to the situation at hand.] Okay, six more hours, then we're going in with a scope and pulling it out.

Wilson: Scope a two-year-old? It's dangerous.

House: And as you keep pointing out, so is a dime ripping through her intestines.

Wilson: Cuddy will be home from work in six hours. [sarcastically] But no big deal. I'll just scream "look over there!" while you quickly shove a scope up her daughter's rectum.

House: I could offer to baby-sit again, let her have the night out.

Wilson: Sure. That won't raise any suspicions.

House: I wish I was nicer. [something catches his eye] Hey. Give me your radiation dosimeter.

Wilson: Why?

House: Because it matches my eyes. [Wilson gives up and hands him the dosimeter. House leaves.]

[Cut to House huddled inside a shower stall. He's irradiating the dosimeter with a small handheld device. The radiation indicator turns positive, and he gives it a satisfied look. He takes out a small pocket-Kn*fe and begins scratching off Wilson's name.]

[Cut to Taub monitoring Kayla. The baby looks pale and unhealthy again.]

Taub: I think we can say this isn't working. We'll get her back on your blood. That'll help for now, But this means there's an infection. First we need to identify it. We know it's in her liver, so we'll get a sample. Then we can figure out how to help her get better.

Abbey: [nods sadly] I had this baby because I... wanted a chance to be a "special mom". But... not this way.

[House is sitting behind his desk, looking self-satisfied and smug. He sees Cuddy approaching, and hastily arranges himself to look more serious. She enters he office.]

Cuddy: [sits down] Problems in radiology. A radiation dosimeter badge turned positive. I could have a CT Scanner that's leaking... a spilled vial of thallium somewhere... I don't even know whose badge it was. The code was scratched off.

House: [looks confused] That had to be intentional. I mean, why would anyone—

Cuddy: [covers her eyes with her hand] I don't know. All I know is that I'm gonna need to work late. I was actually hoping that you could baby-sit.

House: [overly dramatic] Nooo...

Cuddy: Please.

House: [whiny] Two nights in a row?

Cuddy: Please.

House: I have a life, you know.

Cuddy: [leans over his desk, deliberately exposing her cleavage] I will make it worth your while.

House: I am not going to bargain babysitting for sex. [is distracted by said cleavage] Who the hell said that? Of course I will.

Cuddy: Thank you. [they kiss, and Cuddy leaves. House looks very satisfied with himself]

[Cut to Taub getting a liver sample from the baby. Abbey is nervous.]

Abbey: [looking at the needle] Oh, that thing's nearly as big as she is.

Taub: Don't worry. I've done this at least once before. [Abbey smiles halfheartedly]

Foreman: Advance another centimeter and you're in.

[Taub draws a sample of dark, unhealthy-looking blood.]

Abbey: Oh, God, that looks awful. Is that from the infection?

Foreman: [looks at Taub] No. It means we were wrong. [pause] It's a melanoma.

Abbie: You mean, like skin cancer? [incredulously] How would she get that? She's never been outside.

Taub: But... you have.

Abbey: You're saying I gave my baby cancer? [Taub nods, and she looks heartbroken.]

[Cut to Taub examining Abbey's hands]

Taub, VO: I found a mole under the nail on her left index finger. The biopsy revealed it's melanoma.

[Cut to team in diagnostic room. Cheng is with them.]

House: That's it? [is distracted by the teams' take-out meal] How come no one got me food?

Cheng: What do you mean, "that's it"? The woman has melanoma. She could die if we don't—

House: Boring. Since the baby has the melanoma, we kind of already knew the mom had it.

Cheng: Yes, but now we know where it is, so we can — [she is distracted as House attempts to take Taub's food and Taub slaps House's hand away] ...treat it much more effectively, so...

House: Great. So treat her. Also boring. What's interesting is that mom's melanoma spread to the baby in-utero, which means it's metastatic, which means it's late stage. How many people with a late stage melanoma are as healthy as she is?

Foreman: Clearly, something's going on in mom's blood that's treating her melanoma as well as her baby's.

House: Antibodies.

Foreman: If her immune system was fighting the melanoma, it never would have spread.

House: Exactly, which means it's fighting something else, and the melanoma cells are getting caught in the crossfire. So what's mom's immune system really sh**ting at?

Taub: Scleroderma can cause cancer-fighting antibodies.

Chase: So can Churg Strauss... pretty much any auto-immune disease.

Cheng: Or infections that cause granulomas, TB, mycobacteria.

House: See, Dr. Cheng? This is not boring. [she smiles] Start with auto-immune. Go test her blood. [to Taub] And leave your food. [Taub picks up his meal and stalks out of the room. House looks disgruntled.]

[Cut to Taub testing Abbey. Justine is sitting in the room] Just a little pinch.

Abbey; [crying] Ah... So, uh, I'm not actually making her better. I'm making her sick.

Taub: You can't blame yourself.

Abbey: I ate all the right foods, I read all the books and the studies, and [laughs sadly] I... even hired a private detective to research each sperm donor. [Taub smiles at her.] I just missed one big thing. My own cancer.

Taub: I'm all done here. We'll have the results soon.

Abbey: And if that's what this is? An auto-immune disease?

Taub: Treatment's... fairly simple.

Justine: And if it's something else?

Taub: Let's just take this one step at a time. [to Abbey] Stop beating yourself up. [he leaves.]

Justine: I'm sorry, mom. Not just for this, but for what I said earlier. [she gets up] I was jealous and angry, and... I lashed out. But you were a great mom. You are a great mom.

Abbey: I don't deserve such a good daughter. [She breaks down. Justine comes and holds her hand while she cries.]

[Cut to Taub and Cheng in the lab.]

Chang: Negative for scleroderma...

Taub: So, what did House want earlier?

Chang: He just gave me a little quiz and said he was okay with hiring me, but that it was your decision. Negative for dermatomyositis.

Taub: He's just saying that to set me up.

Chang: So you're — you're not offering me the job?

Taub: If he wants me to offer you the job, something's going on.

Chang: That... was my thinking too. It's not Lupus.

Taub: Things with House are never as simple as they seem. Trust me, he's got an ulterior motive, and I've got to figure it out before I do anything.

Chang: ...Okay. [sighs] Mom's negative for Churg Strauss. This isn't auto-immune. Time to scan her for infections that could cause granulomas?

Wilson: [digging in Rachel's diaper with a pencil, while on the phone with House] Third poop in the last half-hour. Still nothing.

[Dramatic zoom on House at the hospital loading medical equipment into his backpack] All right, that's it. Time's up. Operation Valkyrie is now in effect. [he grabs his cane and takes off.]

[Cut to Taub and Foreman in an MRI booth, scanning Abbey.]

Foreman: Either it's a trap or it's not. Just hire her.

Taub: Lungs clear for granulomas... Yeah, who cares? Did you enjoy that bear trap snapping on your leg yesterday?

Foreman: You do realize it's just a metaphorical trap? You'll still have all your limbs. [Taub shows mock-relief.] Fourth rib about the midclavicular line. You're over-thinking this. House fired my pick site-unseen. He was never even interested in Chase's pick, he was only obsessed with how she reflected on Chase. Dr. Cheng is the only candidate he's actually responded to. You wanted House invested. He is. Hire her.

Taub: And you think I'm over-thinking this?

Foreman: Shut up and hire her.

Taub: [the smug look fading from his face] ...Look. [he points to a scan.]

Foreman: Oat cell lung cancer.

Taub: She has two cancers?

Taub: Cancer treating cancer?

[Cut to Taub and Foreman speaking to Abbey and Justine in a hospital room.]

Taub: You have lung cancer.

Abbey: I thought I had skin cancer.

Taub: As unlikely as it sounds, you have both. [Justine looks confused]

Foreman: Actually, the lung cancer is basically treating the skin cancer. It's why you're not feeling sick. And why your blood's helping your baby.

Taub: We found it early, so it should be treatable. In a way, your daughter saved your life. We'll get you set up for the surgery and start you on chemo.

Abbey: What about Kayla?

Taub: She'll only need the chemo.

Abbie: [confused] Can't you just keep giving her my blood?

Taub: Not once we cut out the tumor. Your body will stop making the antibodies that are keeping your baby healthy.

Abbey: Can you hold off on my surgery?

Foreman: Over the last day, your baby's liver tumors have shrunk 15%. Projecting forward, it would take eight or nine days to completely eradicate her cancer cells.

Abbey: So let's take the eight or nine days—

Foreman: The cancer probably won't spread in the next nine days, but there are other risks. Cancer thickens your blood, which could cause clots.

Abbey: What are the risks to putting my baby on chemo?

Taub: It could damage her brain or affect her development, but these risks are small compared to the risks that you would be taking by leaving your cancers untreated.

Abbey: I want to wait.

Justine: Mom. Are you listening? This is way too dangerous.

Abbey: I'll take the risks. I want what's best for my daughter.

Justine: I'm your daughter too.

Abbey: She's a baby. You're an adult.

Justine: So what? I don't need my mom anymore?

Abbey: [bitterly] No. You never did. 'Cause I wasn't there for you. But look at you. You turned out great.

Justine: [angrily] Oh, you don't know if I'm great. You don't know me at all. And I'm not gonna let you martyr yourself for a two-day-old infant just because you feel guilty because you weren't around for me.

Abbey: [coldly] I'm not martyring myself. It's nine days. [to Taub and Foreman] Let's hold off on the surgery. [They nod. Justine walks away.]

[Cut to House walking in Cuddy's front door and meeting Wilson, who's already there with Rachel]

Wilson: You brought food? This is a medical procedure, not a dinner date!

House: I'm aware that this is a delicate procedure. I'm also aware that my hands are shaking from low blood sugar 'cause I haven't eaten all day. So while this may seem insensitive, this crucial, lifesaving moo shoo — [he looks in the paper bag and is pulled up short] where are my extra pancakes? Damn it, they forgot the extra pancakes for my moo shoo pork. Every time that new girl with the blue streak in her hair answers the phone, they screw up.

[House and Wilson make simultaneous epiphany-faces.]

House: Was she there when you picked up the food?!

Wilson: You ordered extra pancakes?? How much did they cost? [They dive for the menu.] Where—

House: [points to the paper] 55 cents. And there were two.

Wilson: So that means the total on the last bill was—

House: Was—

House: [together] $18.42.

Wilson: [together] $18.42.

House [looks at Wilson] So Rachel couldn't have eaten a dime... because there was no extra dime.

Wilson: ...Yeah. [he sinks down on the couch.] So the image that we saw on the ultrasound—

House: Was obviously just a pocket of air, like I said all along. But you saw the worst case scenario... [sits next to Wilson] ...like every irrational, worried parent. [leans forward and snags the bag of food from the table, then settles back down.] You'd make a terrible mommy. [digs in the bag.]

Wilson: [nods; there is a long pause]... give me some dumplings? [House does.]

[Cut to Kayla in the hospital. Abbey is sitting in a chair, looking at her contentedly. The camera swings around to show Justine entering the room with a tray.]

Justine: Mom, I brought you some — [she pauses, then rushes forward. We see Abbey again, and she is unconscious.] Mom? Mom! [she takes Abbey's pulse.] We need help in here! Somebody help us! [She rushes out of the room, and the camera lingers on Abbey's face.]

Taub, VO: Massive pulmonary embolism...

[Cut to Taub and Cheng in a nearly deserted cafeteria.]

Taub: ...she died in seconds.

Cheng: Wouldn't have happened if she let us remove the tumor.

Taub: Probably not. Postmortem, we were able to harvest all of her blood. It's enough to treat the baby.

Cheng: That's something.

Taub: Pretty amazing case. Thanks for your help.

Cheng: I was glad for the chance to work it with you.

Taub: I've thought about it, and... [he sits down with her at the table] ...I'd like to formally offer you the job.

Cheng: It's funny, I–I wanted to work on House's team... until I started working with his team.

Taub: [slightly smug] Yeah, I know. Chase and Foreman can get a little—

Cheng: Actually, it's you. [Taub's smile slides right off his face.] I get that House is an ass, but at least he owns it.

Taub: You don't understand. This whole thing was just a game to House. I didn't have a choice.

Cheng: You're a grown man, Dr. Taub. You can make whatever choices you want, and instead of hiring me when he said you could, you chose to act like a paranoid, scared little kid. [pause] I hate kids. [calmly] Good-bye, Dr. Taub.

[Music kicks in as Foreman pauses outside Abbey's former room. Justine is inside, holding Kayla.]

Justine: I'll make sure you never forget her... and what she did for you. She was just trying to be the best mom in the world. She was. [she kisses the baby's forehead, and Foreman walks in with a bag of Abbey's blood. Justine stands aside as he begins to prepare the transfusion.]

[Cut to Cuddy and House lying in the same positions they were in the night before. This time, House looks asleep and relaxed. Rachel begins murmuring over the monitor. they stir.]

House: [eyes still closed] This one's all yours.

Cuddy: What happened to helping out?

House: ...I did.

[Cuddy crawls out of bed, still looking half-asleep. House shifts over to her pillow, smiling to himself. Soon, Cuddy can be heard over the baby monitor.]

Cuddy, VO: Did someone go poopy?

[There is a pause, during which House looks very contented with himself. Then...]

Cuddy, VO: [shocked and worried] What? How'd you eat a dime??

[House's eyes fly open in shock.]

Rachel, VO: House!

[House looks shocked and frightened as the sh*t cuts to black.]
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x05 - Unplanned Parenthood"}