Dwight: Oh, ugh. [stands and looks at meatball in chair] What is this, a meatball? Really? [Stanley laughs]

Jim: It's always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience. That was usually Pam so now that she's out I had to find someone else. Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan. But not everything makes him laugh. He has very specific tastes. Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I've found out what he likes. And it's really weird.

Dwight: Jim, come on! That's so juvenile! What the- [opens drawer full of meatballs]

Stanley: You've been meatballed! [laughs]

Dwight: Ugh.

Stanley: Are you ready for some meatball?

Dwight: Aw, man. [Stanley laughs] This is not very clever, Jim.

Jim: I know.

Stanley: Look for your stapler!

Dwight: [Dwight finds stapler in giant meatball] Really Jim? Really? Very funny.

Stanley: [to Phyllis] Oh okay. Good night. [climbs in to Dwight's car] What's the haul?

Dwight: Thirty-two meatballs.

Stanley: Good day.

Dwight: That idiot's been feeding us for a week.

Stanley: We'll never have to buy meatballs again.

Erin: [phone rings] Dunder Mifflin. Jessica, hi! How are you? Oh yay, that's so great to hear.

Erin: I'm not going to be one of those exes who can't move on. They have their life and I have mine. I'm taking an Italian class. So far I've learned tortellini, spagettini, linguini... Well it's not so much a class as a restaurant, but I do Monday, Wednesday, Friday from seven to nine.

Erin: I will patch you through right now. You sound really pretty today. Okay.

Andy: Jessica! I love you! That's a message from my mom.

Andy: My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, whoa! Pump the breaks, Bernard, too early! I get it. I just, you know, I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years... Mom took the main diamond out, she thought that had more of a my little brother kind of vibe to it, but...

Jim: [Robert is looking at pictures of a house online] Whoa, looks pretty nice. Got a little bit of a Shining vibe, though.

Oscar: Oh, who needs a house that size?

Dwight: Big. Stupid. Pure chump bait.

Robert: I'm selling the house, actually.

Jim: You know, there's a glare from over here... oh wow, that's magnificent.

Robert: It's mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state and I've got the most expensive house on the market. The one percent are suffering too, people. I wanted it to be my Playboy mansion. A temple to wine, revelry, sex, intrigue... this was hot on the heels of Eyes Wide Shut, mind you. Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own. Now she's left me and forced me to sell the place. The ultimate insult? They're calling my speakeasy lounge a rumpus room. [Jim laughs] Does my turmoil amuse you, Jim?

Jim: I'm sorry, I thought you were making a joke.

Robert: What could you possibly have found funny in what I said? What was the joke you thought you heard?

Jim: I guess I thought you were approaching it with more of a sarcasm than misery. Kind of laughing at your own pain, sad clown thing.

Robert: Oh yes. How hilarious it is to laugh at clowns, the painted jesters of the dying circus industry. Very funny, Jim. I get it.

Andy: Um, I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the grumpies in here.

Robert: A beautiful monster cost me my forties and my dream home. I think I'm entitled to the occasional bad day.

Andy: Well, please tell Susan we all say hi.

Kevin: Dude, what if, since you're feeling grumpy, we all swing by tonight and check out your indoor pool? [Robert laughs]

Oscar: Kevin, no.

Robert: What, as some sort of last hoorah?

Kevin: Yeah. All of us in the pool, saying hoorah. Maybe the last one that says hoorah is it.

Robert: You know I suppose someone should enjoy the place before I hand it over to the staging experts at Remax tomorrow. Let's try this: everyone, tonight, my house, wear a swimsuit. Let's just call it a get-together. And let's say no food.

Kevin: Hey Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air or was it me?

Oscar: That was you, Kevin.

Kevin: It was me.

Meredith: You going tonight, kiddo? Cause I can give you a lift.

Erin: Oh, I don't know, Meredith. It seems like you shouldn't drive maybe ever.

Meredith: It's no problem. You live right near me.

Erin: How do you know where I live?

Meredith: Andy followed you home after the Christmas party.

Erin: Why?

Meredith: He wanted to make sure California didn't put it in you.

Erin: Oh. Come on.

Erin: Wow. Andy's such a weird stalker. Following me home like that when he has a girlfriend? I should get a restraining order. [squeaks]

Angela: [sticks a hand in the pool] Oh, it is warm.

Cathy: It's almost too warm.

Gabe: I'm feeling eighty-two, eighty-two and a half.

Ryan: Oh, so close. Eighty-one.

Gabe: [to Cathy] Well, we'll say its eight-two and it'll be our secret.

Cathy: [to Jim] Hey, late guy.

Jim: Hey. Wow. Just stopping by. Got another party to go to. A wife and two kids at home party.

Andy: Oh.

Jim: DJ Pam Halpert is spinning some serious Radio Disney tonight.

Jim: You're looking at the master of leaving parties early. They key is, you have to make a strong impression, so you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar non sequitur that people remember, you want to note something unique, a talking point, for later. I don't mean to brag, but New Year's Eve, I was home by nine.

Jim: Robert, just wanted to grab you one second. This place is amazing, by the way.

Robert: You should see the whole thing.

Jim: I bet I should. [takes cell phone photo] That's beautiful, I'm going to email that to you.

Robert: I'm just about to give the tour.

Jim: All right-

Robert: Join us. You must see what you were laughing about.

Jim: I must...

Jessica: [looks at pool] Wow.

Andy: [hides ring] Yeah, it's pretty serious poolage.

Jessica: [sees Andy's hand in his pocket] What are you doing?

Andy: Hmm? Flicking a bug off my wiener. [they both laugh]

Jessica: Gross. I'm getting a drink. Do you want anything?

Andy: No, I'm good.

Erin: [runs to Andy] Funny how we can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. Hi.

Andy: Hi.

Erin: How is everything? How's your car?

Andy: It's great. You know. Reliable. Great mileage.

Erin: Is that so? How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something? Maybe get caught in the rain?

Andy: Well, I can't. I'm going skiing with Jessica. you know, a couple of dopes on the slopes.

Erin: Oh, like a goodbye trip.

Andy: No. What?

Jessica: Hey.

Erin: Hi.

Erin: I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend. But, if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive, and I believe him.

Darryl: Val. You made it.

Val: Yup, yup.

Darryl: Uh oh, look at this. Red plastic cup, red plastic cup. How about that?

Val: You know, you are just as dumb at night.

Darryl: Mmm. [they clink cups]

Andy: All right, theres- this would be no problem. I could swim under, one breath.

Jessica: No, show me.

Andy: Okay.

Jessica: Dive in right here.

Andy: In a minute. In a minute.

Jessica: Okay. You don't know what you're doing.

Andy: A minute would be cool.

Erin: Hey, Dwight Snoot.

Dwight: What-

Erin: What you doing?

Dwight: I'm relaxing. Scram. [pushes her]

Erin: Ow.

Andy: Hey, Stanley. Um, what happened to my pants?

Stanley: I moved them. Pants only need a chair if there's a person in them.

Andy: Where... [finds pants, looks for ring]

Erin: Come on, don't you want to play?

Dwight: Oh really?

Erin: Yeah.

Dwight: Yeah, you want to play you little hick? [kicks her in to the pool, Erin screams]

Kevin: Whoa.

Angela: Dwight! Oh my gosh! Dwight!

Robert: Here we have the parlor. I imagined people would set down their coats and symbolically their inhibitions. This was the gateway. You enter this room a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a judge, but beyond it you're simply a penis, a vagina, hunger, ache. Susan used it as a Pilates studio.

Oscar: [sees wine collection] Holy cow!

Robert: Wine collection.

Oscar: How many bottles? Three hundred?

Robert: [laughs] About twelve hundred. What the hell, grab a bottle. Less inventory for the lawyers.

Oscar: Toby! Chateau Margaux ninety-five. You know your wine.

Toby: Well, and you have a... yes, a- d- another chateau.

Ryan: Robert, you are too kind.

Robert: Oh.

Gabe: Too kind doesn't begin to cover it.

Ryan: With amm*nit*on like this we are in for quite a night, you and me.

Gabe: And Gabe-y makes three.

Jim: Robert, thank you. Thank you for this. Thank you for all this. This night's been magical.

Robert: Jim, come see this next room. I think you especially would like it.

Jim: Really? Why?

Robert: I don't know. Maybe not. Just come.

Erin: [Dwight dunks her] Oh!

Dwight: [laughs] You regret attacking me now, hick? Huh?

Erin: Stop it. Dwight, I was flirting with you. I was trying to use you to make Andy jealous.

Dwight: I'm not going to help you. Why would you choose me? Because I'm mighty? Because I'm the manliest man in the office? I'll do it. [he picks her up]

Erin: [giggles] Oh Dwight!

Erin: [giggles] Stop.

Dwight: You stop.

Erin: No, you stop.

Dwight: No, you stop.

Erin: [to camera] Is he looking? [shakes her head] Oh. You can stop.

Dwight: Okay, you can stop.

Erin: No, no, no, he's not looking.

Dwight: No, you can stop.

Erin: You can actually stop.

Kelly: Whoa, you guys, I just found this insane engagement ring. Is anyone missing this?

Meredith: The main stone's missing.

Kelly: I don't know. It looks pretty great to me.

Robert: I pictured myself here every night eating a leg of mutton, the juices dripping down my bare chest, wiping my fingers on the walls. Then I met the vegan.

Jim: Good night.

Oscar: [raises wine bottle] To the kitchen!

All: To the kitchen!

Robert: To the kitchen. Onward!

Oscar: Toby, what's compelling about this is the note of persimmon. Right?

Toby: Note? It's a symphony.

Oscar: Okay, you have to join my wine-tasting club.

Toby: I would love that.

Toby: Toby, you are playing a dangerous game. Guess I'm through the gateway now, though, right?

Darryl: [to Val] You know, I don't think I've ever been in this exact angle before. I was scared at first, but I like it.

Meredith: You guys got to try this pool. No top scum, no band-aids. This thing is choice.

Val: You in?

Darryl: Yeah, sure, sure. I'll be right in.

Darryl: I've been working out. But, the problem is, I've been building muscle underneath. And that top layer hasn't b*rned off yet. Awkward stage.

Dwight: [he and Erin feed each other chips] Ah, mmm. So good. Now take a chip, crush it into my face, really rub the grease around. Do it. Now rub it in. Oh, yeah, that's so good. Ah...

Erin: Andy's not even looking. I think sexy eating is a d*ad end.

Dwight: Damn it.

Erin: What is the most romantic possible thing?

Dwight: We can get some chicken fights going in the pool.

Erin: Dwight, that's just- that's really perfect. Thank you.

Both: Yes! [they high five and jump in the pool]

Angela: You're in my way!

Erin: Andy, Dwight and I challenge you and Jess to a chicken fight. Winner take all.

Dwight: Chicken fight!

Andy: No thanks.

Erin: Dang it! What the heck already?

Dwight: Hey, Cathy. Chicken fight!

Cathy: Okay, yeah. Who's going to be my partner? Where's Jim?

Kevin: I'm right here! [gets in pool] Cold. Cold. Come on, Cath.

Dwight: Yeah- oh!

Erin: [knocks Cathy off Kevin's shoulders] Yes! Woo!

Dwight: Woohoo! Yes!

Erin: Dwight, our chemistry is really clicking. We work so well together.

Dwight: I know. I could just bang you right now.

Erin: He's not looking. [Dwight dumps her in the pool] Hey!

Robert: I had two bears sewn together to make this king-size. Total waste of two bears.

Jim: To both these bears.

Ryan: To both these bears.

Toby: Bears.

Oscar: To both these bears.

Robert: When I put in the screening room, I bought three movies: Caligula, Last Tango in Paris, and Emmanuelle 2. Last two movies I actually watched in here Marley and Me and On Golden [bleep] Pond.

Ryan: I mean, it's clearly meant for watching erotic cinema.

Gabe: Yup. We could watch some right now if you want. I got a Korean film on my iPod if you want to just- if you have the cables.

Andy: Kelly, that's a crazy ring you found.

Kelly: Yeah, thanks. I'm really glad I found it.

Andy: I can't believe you're wearing it. Are you not superstitious at all?

Kelly: Shh. Of course I'm superstitious. What are you talking about?

Andy: The ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right? Am I just being silly?

Phyllis: Oh, I don't think you're being silly.

Kelly: Oh God. [takes off ring]

Andy: You know what, I can just sell it and put the money in the party fund.

Phyllis: [snatches ring] Then another woman will get it. We can't allow that. We have to destroy it.

Jessica: [to Andy] Come on. Let's chicken fight those two.

Val: [comes up from under water] How was that?

Kevin: Okay. Watch my toes. [does hand stand]

Darryl: Hey Val. Want a beer? It might taste better than that pool water you've been drinking.

Val: No, I'm good. Thank you.

Darryl: Cool.

Val: Cool. [to Kevin] Does Darryl not swim?

Kevin: That's r*cist! I don't know. But I would say, by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim.

Jessica: [knocks Erin off Dwight's shoulders] Yes!

Andy: Yeah!

Dwight: [to Erin] Maybe we should take a little break.

Erin: Dwight, we've got this. I promise. I will not leave your shoulders, no matter what.

Dwight: Okay.

Erin: One more?

Andy: Yeah!

Jessica: Yeah! Great! [others cheer and clap]

Erin: Mush, mush, mush! Come on!

Dwight: Go!

Erin: Go! Okay. Yeah.

Jessica: Here we go! [knocks Erin over] Yes!

Andy: Yay! [Erin comes back up] Whoa!

Kevin: Wow!

Andy: I cannot believe you're still up!

Jessica: I cannot believe it either.

Erin: I've got this! [Dwight gasps] Charge! Go! Go! [Dwight sinks]

Andy: [muffled] Dwight are you okay? Hey, damn it-

Dwight: [coughs up water] Erin, did we win?

Erin: Sure. Sure we did.

Dwight: You're lying. We didn't win.

Erin: Hey, hey, hey Dwight. It's okay. Just rest. Just rest.

Kelly: You've broken up your last couple, you evil ring. Do it. [Meredith sets f*re to paper ring boat]

Angela: We're in the pool!

Meredith: Shut it, Angela.

Dwight: Ugh. Same old party, same old people. Am I right? Reminds me of Phyllis's birthday.

Andy: Ooh, do not remind me of Phyllis's birthday.

Dwight: I know. [laughs] But boy, that Erin. She sure is a ripe little tiger, isn't she? Rroww! And to think, I always thought of her as a second Meredith. Respectfully, I don't want us walking into a similar Angela kind of situation.

Andy: Mmm.

Dwight: So I just want to make sure that you are completely, one hundred percent done with Erin.

Andy: Last I checked, I'm with Jessica. And I like to get my monog on. It's monogamy for my hog 'n me.

Dwight: Not what I asked.

Andy: We're done. Erin and I are over.

Dwight: So then you won't mind if tonight I just go crazy on her, just go nuts, rrargh. With sex.

Andy: Have at it. Or take it slow. Whatever you guys work out.

Dwight: [sighs] You're an idiot.

Kevin: Kelly, that is mine! This is mine! [Val, Erin and Kevin play with pool noodles]

Erin: Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Kevin: No!

Val: Oh I've got him!

Darryl: Cannonball! [jumps in pool] Let's do this!

Andy: [Erin swims up with ring] Wow.

Erin: So I kind of stepped on this. I think it's yours.

Andy: Yeah. Oh wow. How did you know it was mine?

Erin: The Bernard family seal. Duh.

Andy: Duh.

Erin: Sorry if your special night was ruined.

Andy: Oh, whoa. Whoa, no, it's not a special night.

Erin: Oh, you weren't going to do that?

Andy: Honestly Erin, I don't know what I'm doing. I... I just... I don't know. Thank you.

Erin: Andy's confused. That's not what I was hoping for, but it's not so bad either. I can live with confused. I get confused. I totally get confused.

Robert: And of course, the pool. The ultimate lubricant for any wild evening. It was here that my parties would have crescendoed into true madness.

Jim: To madness.

Ryan: To madness.

Toby: To madness. [Robert laughs]

Meredith: To madness.

Jim: Hey, um, I think you parked my car in. Is there any way you can move your van?

Meredith: Oh, I'm sorry. When I got here, I put my keys in a bowl.

Jim: Are you serious?

Ryan: Robert, I want you to know, I'm here to rock with you as late as you want, man.

Gabe: And that goes double for me. I'll stay even later than you'd like.

Oscar: [Toby pours wine into Oscar's mouth] Toby! I am Bacchus, god of wine!

Toby: And I am Bacchus's friend!

Robert: Gentlemen, bear witness. While I've been mourning the nights that never were, one of them has been unfolding here before me. This is no get-together. This is a party. [Robert strips, jumps in pool, Gabe and Ryan join him]

All: Yes! Woohoo! Bravo!

Jim: And there's my talking point.

Robert: Yes, that's it. Push yourselves, boys. It's not a party if you don't do something that scares you. I need a breather. Oh. Oh. You two keep going.

Ryan: Hey, he's asleep. We can just leave.

Gabe: So leave.
{"type": "series", "show": "The Office", "episode": "08x12 - Pool Party"}