Carol: Any time this year, Ben.

Ben: The lock is messed up.

Mike: You're messed up!

Carol: It's been a lovely birthday, Mike.Don't ruin it.

Mike: Mom, I'm not thinking of me.I'm thinking of poor old Dad who has to hold all your presents.

Jason: How thoughtful.

Ben: There.

Maggie: Oh, this has been a lot of fun.Well, I just want to thank all of you for such a ...

Jason: Maggie?Can I just put these down first?Thank you.

Maggie: Oh.Sure, sorry.I just want to thank all of you for your wonderful gifts.

Carol: Except Mike, of course.

Mike: What?

Carol: Next time you buy perfume, don't buy it at a bowling alley.

Maggie: Excuse me, why is the light on in the living room?

Jason: I don't know, maybe it b*rned out.

Maggie: Uh-huh.And you had nothing to do with it?

Jason: What?

Maggie: Carol?

Carol: What?

Maggie: Mike?

Mike: Hey, I didn't do it.

Carol: You guys are throwing me a surprise party!Oh!

Jason: Uh, no.

Maggie: Don't ever play poker Jason; you're a terrible bluffer.

Maggie: Right.

Jason: Maggie, all these years you've always said how you hate surprise parties.

Maggie: Yes, but underneath you knew what I really was saying and you ignored what I was saying and that's why I love you.

Jason: What are you saying?

Maggie: I'm ready for my party.Boy, is it dark in here, honey.You better turn on a light before I trip over something or somebody.Oh my god.

Ben: You know what?Someone's been here.

Carol: We've been robbed!

Mike: Yea.

Jason: Everybody just take it easy.First thing we'll call the police.

Maggie: Jason, look at my knick-knacks.

Jason: Well, those thieves didn't miss a thing.They even got the phone.

Ben: Why would someone rob us?We're the Seavers.

Jason: Come on.We'll use the one in the kitchen.

Mike: Oh, good at least they didn't take that phone.Dad!Dad!Don't touch it.There could be fingerprints anywhere.

Carol: I'd like to put my fingerprints somewhere.

Jason: Alright everybody.I just want you all to calm down, ok?

Carol: Calm down, Dad.We've been inv*de here!

Ben: Yea, they could've taken my stuff!

Mike: Or mine!

Carol: Uh, excuse me!

Maggie: Would you look at this?The thieves actually had a cup of coffee.

Jason: Hello, yes, I want to report a burglary.Yea, my name is...

Maggie: Jason!

Jason: I know that.

Maggie: It's still hot.

Maggie: That's a noise!

Carol: I don't know, it sounded like someone walking through the bushes with a big Kn*fe and a g*n, and they...

Jason: It's your imagination, Carol.

Maggie: Jason, it has been over an hour.Where are the police?

Mike: This just figures.There's only cops around when you don't need them.

Ben: Like when?

Mike: You know, like when you're speeding a little bit or sneaking into a drive-in or borrowing a street sign.These are just random examples, Dad.

Carol: Where are those clowns anyway?

Ben: The police are clowns!

Clown: Evenin' Seavers!

Jason: Yes, who are you?

Clown: [Singing] I'm a happy birthday clown!Happy birthday!Happy!Happy!Happy!

Jason: Hey!Hey!Hey!Hey!

Clown: Well, that was pretty rude.

Jason: Well, you were supposed to be here at nine o'clock.And you were supposed to be Humphrey Bogart.

Clown: Oh, wow.You're kidding.I feel terrible.What a mix up.You must think I'm a total bozo.

Maggie: Thank you anyway.

Clown: As long as I'm here, want me to make you a balloon rhino?

Carol: Less than anything in the world.

Maggie: Oh, Jason, robbed on my birthday.Jason, it just doesn't seem fair.

Jason: Yea, I wanted you to remember this birthday forever.

Mike: I think she will, Dad.

Ben: What are you people doing to me?

Officer Wright: Excuse me, are you the Seavers?

Jason: Yes, yes.

Officer Wright: Officer Wright, Long Island PD.You reported a burglary?

Mike: Uh, wait a minute.You got some ID?

Officer Wright: You think these are my jammy's son?

Jason: Mike.

Mike: Come on, Dad.He could've rented that from a costume shop.

Jason: The man is a policeman, Mike, ok?

Officer Wright: Thank you.

Jason: Do you have some ID?No, it's ok, no, we trust you.

Officer Wright: So how about we go inside so I can take down your report.

Jason: Well, we're not even sure the burglars have left yet.

Jason: Good thinking.Ok everybody, come on, let's go.

Maggie: Jason, I am still scared.

Jason: Maggie, look at the size of this guy.I feel safe.

Maggie: Ok.

Ben: You know, my grandpa's a cop, so I know all about it.

Officer Wright: I'll watch my step.

Ben: He's not black, though.

Officer Wright: Nobody's perfect.

Officer Wright: Excuse me.

Mike: Oh, right.

Officer Wright: What a shame.He reached right through here and popped the front door.

Mike: Hey, come on!You're touching the glass!How are you supposed to take fingerprints?

Officer Wright: We don't have the manpower to take prints on a minor crime.

Maggie: Minor?Minor?!Look what they did to my house!

Officer Wright: Well, no one was hurt.

Maggie: And that's our fault?

Mike: Look if you don't take fingerprints, how are you supposed put out an APB?

Officer Wright: We don't.

Mike: Well, not exactly Miami Vice now are we?

Officer Wright: You're not exactly the Cosby Show, either.

Carol: Uh, excuse me, but would it ruin any evidence if I go to the bathroom?Cause if not, we're gonna have a major problem.

Officer Wright: No, that should be ok.

Carol: Thanks.

Jason: Well, officer, if you don't take prints, what do you do?

Officer Wright: Well, first I look for any hard evidence; you know, burglar tools, footprints...

Ben: Point of entry.

Officer Wright: Right.Then we fill out a report listing all your stolen items.You'll need that for your insurance company.Then I go to my next burglary call.Is that how your grandpa would handle it?

Ben: No.He'd single-handedly capture the bad guys, take their g*n, and be invited to the mayor's house for lunch and a hoist few.

Officer Wright: Wow.

Maggie: Well, say what you want.I don't understand how this is a minor crime.Our home has been violated.Personal things have been taken.And it's my birthday!

Officer Wright: Hey!Happy birthday!

Jason: Should we wait before we file the insurance claim?Give you guys a chance to find our stuff?Is that a no?

Maggie: Jason, look at this!

Jason: Just a second, honey.

Maggie: This is important.

Jason: What?

Maggie: My secret recipe chicken soup.It's gone, too.

Jason: Well, yea, maybe just one of the kids

Jason: Honey, we're missing a lot of things.What's so important about your chicken soup?

Maggie: I didn't make it for them!I made it for us!

Officer Wright: Well, that just about covers it.

Maggie: Add chicken soup to that list.

Officer Wright and Ben: What?

Maggie: Or is that too minor?

Ben: I'd do it.

Officer Wright: Chicken soup.

Maggie: With noodles.

Officer Wright: Got it.If there are any additional missing items, there's my card.

Ben: Wanna get a seek run a cup of coffee?

Officer Wright: Mm, not tonight.Too busy.

Ben: Oh, come on.You don't have to go yet!Stay!Eat!Mom, make him a cake!

Officer Wright: Can't stay little buddy.

Ben: But who's going to protect us when the bad guys get back?

Officer Wright: Hey, hey, hey.Don't worry.They won't come back tonight.

Ben: Tonight?

Maggie: And the silver candlesticks are gone, too.That's about it.

Jason: Aren't you forgetting something?

Maggie: What?

Jason: Well, that sweater your mother knitted for me.With the sleeve that's five feet long.

Maggie: It's right in your hand.

Jason: Well, you know that and I know that, but your mother doesn't know it!

Maggie: My mother worked very hard on that sweater.

Jason: That's why it's going to be such a tragic loss!Maggie?Honey, what is it?Hey.

Maggie: Oh, Jason.They came into my house, they touched our things, they went through everything.They know what size my underwear is!

Maggie: But what if they come back when we're here?

Jason: Why would they come back?

Maggie: Why did they come in the first place?

Ben: Hi.

Maggie: Hi, honey.

Ben: Can I come sleep with you guys?

Jason: Sure.

Ben: Hey, nobody's getting my stuff!

Carol: Uh, hi.

Maggie: Hi, sweetheart.

Carol: Uh, listen, you know, I was wondering.

Jason: Come on in!

Carol: Thanks!

Mike: Hey.

Ben: You scared, too?

Mike: Me?Scared?Come on, man.I just, uh, I thought you guys could use a little protection up here.

Ben: I don't buy that for a second.

Mike: Mommy!

Jason: Anybody else awake?

Everybody: Yes.

Jason: Well, this is silly.You know what I think?I think everybody should get up and we should go explore our feelings about what's happened.

Carol: I don't believe this.

Mike: I don't have anything to talk about.

Maggie: Oh, your dad's right.We could use some help falling asleep and listening to your father will put us right out.

Jason: Thank you.

Maggie: I didn't mean that.I don't know what I meant, but I didn't mean that.Ok, I meant it.

Jason: Come on, let's go.

Mike: Hey, Dad.You want me to wake Ben up?

Carol: So he can find out why he's having trouble sleeping?Oh, good Mike, good.

Jason: Well since something like this has never happened to us before it's important we dig into our anxiety.exam our feeling, we've got to go inward and downward.

Maggie: I know, I'll make coffee.

Jason: That will help up sleep?

Maggie: Ok, decaf.I'm in no mood to argue, Jason.

Carol: I see no reason whatsoever to discuss this a moment longer.

Jason: That's a good start.Mike?Mike.

Mike: Oh, right, right.Yea, yea, that's a real good start, Carol.Let's, let's get in touch a little bit with why you're so weird, alright?

Jason: This is not...

Carol: I bet one of your scum ball friends had something to do with this burglary.

Mike: Hey!Don't talk about my friends like that, alright?Eddie and Boner are too stupid to think of something like this.

Carol: You stinking...

Mike: Stinking what?

Jason: Hey!

Carol and Mike: What?!

Carol: Dad.

Jason: Let me finish!Maggie?

Jason: Honey, what is it?

Maggie: What is what?

Jason: You came in here to make coffee.

Maggie: You want me to make coffee?Jason, we're having a hard enough time getting to sleep as it is.

Jason: Great, then let's just go in and sit down and talk about what's disturbing us.

Maggie: Oh, nothing's disturbing me.Just because I want to sterilize everything that scum touched.

Jason: I know, I know.

Maggie: I mean, he had a cup of coffee, you want to drink out of the same coffee pot he did?

Jason: Honey, I don't even want coffee.

Maggie: Well, then, what did you ask me to make it for?Ben!

Maggie: Ben, why are you screaming?

Ben: When I woke up you guys were gone.I thought somebody stole you.

Mike: Oh, grow up, Ben.

Jason: Will you go easy on him, Mike?Ben, we're going to be downstairs.If you want to join us, we're going to be talking through our feelings.

Ben: I don't have any feelings.I'm fine.

Jason: You're fine?

Ben: I will be as soon as I change my shorts.

Jason: Ok, Mike, we'll come back to you.Ben, what about you?

Mike: Dad, do you think the thieves are sitting around the thieves place exploring their emotions?

Jason: Maggie, can you just sit down, please?

Maggie: Well, I can clean while we talk, can't I?

Jason: Alright, sure.Maggie could you turn that off?

Maggie: What?

Jason: Could you turn it off?

Maggie: I'm sorry.I couldn't hear you over the vacuum cleaner.

Jason: You're ok, Ben.It's all right.You're safe.You're safe.

Ben: Oh, good.

Mike: I wish I could buy that.

Ben: Are you saying we're not safe?

Mike: Let's put it this way, Ben.If some big dude breaks into the house, you think Dad is going to wrestle him to the ground?

Ben: Or Mom.

Jason: Alright, who else thinks there's a possibility someone else will break in?Come on.Be honest.Maggie!

Jason: No, I'm glad you didn't.This is good.Well, I mean it's good that we're finally able to admit that the reason we can't sleep is that we're afraid.All of us.

Ben: You're afraid, too?

Jason: Yes, Ben.

Ben: You're a dad and everything!

Mike: Dad, if you keep going on like this, this kid is going to explode.

Jason: Look, I don't mean to frighten anyone, but if we don't deal with this honestly, Ben's going to be dragging that box to college.

Ben: It's not heavy.

Carol: Well, what should we do?

Jason: Well, that's the question.Something terrible has just happened to us.What do we do?

Mike: Dad, is this one of those questions that you always ask us that you already know the answer to?

Jason: Well, I have some thoughts; I'd like to hear yours.

Maggie: I say we get a burglar alarm, the biggest and loudest.

Mike: Do you honestly think Sylv ester Stallone has a burglar alarm?

Maggie: No, his wife got that in the settlement.

Mike: Look, my point is the only way to protect yourself is with g*n.Lots of them!

Ben: Yea!

Maggie: No!

Carol: That's so stupid.

Mike: You got a better idea.

Carol: As a matter of fact, I do.

Jason: Alright, let's hear it.

Carol: Ok.Well, ever since this has happened, I've been asking myself, why did the thieves come here?

Ben: Why?

Mike: To steal junk.

Carol: Exactly!

Mike: And they call her the genius?

Carol: You can't steal someone's possessions if they don't have any, right?So the answer is we get rid of all our possessions.

Mike: Everybody who thinks that's the stupidest idea they've ever heard, raise their hands.Alright, what's it going to be r*fles or g*n?

Maggie: Neither, I will not have my children armed.It's as rule I have.I'm sorry I didn't mention it before.

Jason: Well, I'd like to explore Carol's idea.

Mike: This should be a short trip.

Jason: Now, wait a minute, Carol.Are you saying we should get rid of our furniture?

Carol: Yes!

Jason: Our appliances?

Carol: Sure!

Jason: Your hairdryer?

Carol: Well, seen in the proper perspective, a hairdryer really is nothing more than concentrated wind which is free and that's not a possession.

Ben: I wish I had a g*n now.

Maggie: Jason, it would be helpful to limit this conversation to reasonable, rational solutions.

Jason: Like what?

Maggie: Like putting our house up for sale and moving to a small island off the coast of Maine.

Jason: Or why not a small island off the coast of France?

Maggie: We don't speak French!

Jason: Maggie!

Maggie: Look, I know we can't move, but I sure feel like going somewhere that's secure.All I want is for my kids to feel as safe as I did when I was a little girl.

Mike: Right, because everyone knows that cops have g*n!

Jason: g*n are not the answer, Mike!Besides, if we had a g*n, that could have gotten stolen, too.And there's a distinct possibility that somebody could get accidentally sh*t while sneaking in here late.

Mike: That's a point.

Carol: So, we all agree.We give everything away.

Jason: Right!

Mike: What?

Maggie: Now, your father doesn't mean that, he's trying to make a point.You are trying to make a point, aren't you?

Jason: Well, I think Carol has a good idea.Why not get rid of all of our possessions?Yea, get rid of everything, that way nobody will rob us.

Carol: Right!

Jason: We'll be safe.

Carol: Exactly.

Jason: We can sit here, happy and secure, on a bare floor, naked.

Ben: Not me!

Jason: Well, we'll save some rags for clothes.

Carol: No brand names.

Jason: Fine!Fine, but then what happens one day somebody comes to the door, I forgot, we gave away the door, somebody comes to where the door used to be and they say well, I noticed you're all happy and secure in here, so why don't I just take that away, too?

Ben: Is this person a teacher?

Jason: It doesn't matter.

Carol: Dad, the question doesn't make sense.

Jason: Why not?

Carol: If we're feeling safe and secure, no one can steal that.

Jason: And isn't that exactly what they...

Carol: We're letting the thieves do to us.

Mike: Yea...

Jason: That's right.

Ben: So what the heck are we supposed to do?

Jason: We don't let them take it, Ben.We carry on.We do exactly what we would do every Saturday morning.

Ben: Listen to you yell at Mike for sneaking in late.

Jason: After that.

Maggie: We go out to breakfast.

Jason: Right!Come on, what do you say?

Ben: But who's going to watch my stuff?

Jason: Nobody, Ben.That's it, you see.Either you own your stuff or your stuff owns you.Mike!

Mike: I could eat.

Jason: Carol?

Carol: I feel like pigs in a blanket.Shut up, Mike.

Jason: Maggie?

Maggie: I knew you were making a point.I was sure of it all along.I never doubted you for a second.

Jason: Ok, come on.You've all got five minutes to change.

Maggie: Who needs Sylvester Stallone when we've got Jason Roland Seaver?

Mike: Roland?

Jason: Come on.Get upstairs.

Mike: Alright.

Jason: Go ahead, Ben.

Ben: Would it be alright if I just took my Garbage Pail Kids?

Jason: Yea, come on, our secret.
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "03x08 - Gone But Not Forgotten"}