Jason: No paper again this morning!

Maggie: That's five days in a row.

Jason: And more importantly that's two Dollars I'm deducting from next months bill.

Maggie: What, no interest?

Jason: Two Dollars and fourteen Cents.

Maggie: Who are you calling?

Maggie: It's not like we couldn't afford a pool, you know?

Jason: Oh, yes, yes, my address; fifteen Robin Hood Lane.Oh, yes, I would love to talk to the paper boy directly.What's his number?Don't run your mind games on me, that's my number!What's this bozo's name?

Newsagent: Michael, how's my fledgling paper boy doing, this fine pristine morning?

Mike: Hey, OK Philly.How you doing?

Philly: Oh, quite satisfactorily.But then again, carrying out the sacred mandated first amendment is my raison d'etre.

Mike: Hey, hey, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Philly: Here you go.

Mike: Alright.Thanks.

Philly: Don't exhume just yet.

Mike: Hey, how could I?I haven't had my coffee.Wait a minute, Philly, I thought I was only supposed to deliver two hundred papers.

Philly: Exactamundo.

Mike: Ah, but...ah...Philly, two hundred papers didn't look like this, all last week.

Philly: Sunday edition, Michael.

Mike: Really?

Philly: You think that it's merely capricious that we initiate paper carriers on Monday?Nay, nay!

Jason: Mike.

Mike: Hey, Dad.

Jason: You got a job!You didn't tell us.

Mike: Dad, I mean, every time I tell you that I've done something responsible, you always give me that look, and you get so excited and you say, that's my boy!I'm just trying to avoid that.

Jason: Done!Where's my stinking paper been all week?

Mike: It's right up in my place, Dad; it's the first one that I deliver!

Jason: Yeah, well those are my papers, you owe my two Dollars.

Mike: What, no interest?

Jason: That hurts, Mike that really hurts.

Mike: Dad, I...

Jason: I know!I know!You got papers to deliver!You got a job!Ow!Go!Go!That's my boy!Hey, where's my stinking paper?

Mike: Oh, I am exhausted!Guess how many papers I delivered today?

Carol: One.

Mike: No, two hundred!Two O O!And we're talking Sunday papers here, Carol.We're talking huge, mountainous, eavy papers.This is the hardest fifty Bucks I've ever made!You know, I think I was tricked.Fifty Dollars a day is fine when there's no news, but what's with theseworld leaders?I mean...why do these world leaders wait until the weekend to spout off?

Carol: Mike, it might look like I'm leaving the room right now because I don't care to listen to your self-pitying babble; but that's not the case!I'm just so moved by your sad story that I have to go to another room and weep.

Mike: Thanks a lot, Carol.

Carol: Mike, I'm not a fool!I know what you're thinking.

Mike: You do?

Carol: Alright, first the sad story, then the mention of fifty Dollars I couldn't miss it, and the coup de grace, your admission that you couldn't handle the job.

Mike: So, what do I think this means?

Carol: Isn't it obvious?

Mike: Err...well yeah, of course, to me!But I just wanna see how close you can come.

Carol: You want me to take over your paper round!And pay me a measly fifty dollars a day while you keep the rest of what you're really paid.Well it won't work, deliver your own stinking papers, all two O O of them.

Mike: Well you're nuts, Carol!Really nuts!It never occurred to me to skim off the top.But now that it does...

Carol: When one runs a scam, Mike, one should pray on one dumber than oneself, if one can find one.

Ben: Morning Mike.

Mike: Hey, morning Ben.Ben.Hey, hey, hey, how is one?I mean...err...how are you this morning?

Ben: Ha?

Mike: Hey Benny, I'm not stupid, I know what you're thinking.

Ben: What?

Mike: You're thinking that with this paper round thing, they're practically giving money away!And as I as your bro, should share the wealth.

Ben: Na, actually I was thinking of Laura-Lynn in a bikini.

Mike: And wouldn't she be impressed with a guy who's pulling down twenty five Bucks a day?

Ben: Actually she wasn't wearing a bikini.

Mike: Ben!Benny, come on, you're not listening to me; I am offering you half of my paper route!

Ben: You have a paper route!

Mike: Yes.

Ben: And you're giving me half of it?

Mike: Yes, a mere two hundred papers, and that's twenty five Bucks a day.

Ben: Hey, this is great!

Mike: Oh oh, wait a second, Ben; Mom and Dad are never gonna let you have a job at your age.

Ben: Well, I won't tell 'em.Oh, come on, Mike, be a pal and don't tell either.

Mike: Well, OK.But remember, you owe me.

Mike: See ya.

Ben: Twenty five Bucks a day, it aint worth it!

Gary: Hey Benny, how's it going?

Ben: It's not going anywhere until it dries out.

Gary: You're gonna be late for school.

Ben: Gary, you don't have any idea what it's like to be a paper boy, do you?

Gary: Ride a bike, throw a few papers, make big Bucks.

Ben: Ha.But you get wet.

Gary: Hey, if you don't want to do it, I'd do it.I mean what's it pay?Five Bucks?Ten Bucks?

Ben: Ten Bucks!I get...ten Bucks.OK, Gary, you can have my paper route.

Gary: Wait a minute, why are you giving up all this money?

Ben: Ah, it's kind of personal.

Gary: Really?

Ben: Medical reasons.Well from riding my bike so much, I got paper boy's crotch.Ooh...All the money in the world isn't worth anything, if you have to walk like this.So we got a deal?

Gary: Yeah!Let's not shake on it.

Ben: Don't worry, I hear it too.

Jason: Will you look at this newspaper.Perfectly folded, and I bet it's full of nothing but good news.

Maggie: Ben, maybe you can learn from your brother's example and get a paper route when you're old enough.

Ben: I gotta go.

Maggie: Oh, but you only had eight sausages.

Ben: I gotta get to school early, I got a make-up test!

Jason: See you Ben.

Jason: Hello.Yes I would like to compliment you on your new delivery boy.Michael Seaver, yes!Oh if we had them this good in East Berlin we never would have left!

Ben: Sorry I'm late Mike.

Mike: Benny look, if you're not serious about this job, I want you to come out and tell me right now; because the only reason I'm giving you half of my paper route is because...heck, I'll just say it...we're family.And there are plenty of people who'd do this for half the money.

Ben: I know.I mean, I've heard.

Mike: Yeah, well!There are your papers.Remember, you're making twenty five Dollars a day, Ben, so don't let me down.

Ben: You know me, Mike.

Mike: Yeah.

Ben: Gary, you're late!

Gary: No, I'm not.Right on time.

Ben: Oh, right, that was me.

Gary: Ha?

Ben: There are your papers, and remember, if you start getting tired, just keeping thinking to yourself, ten Bucks a day!Ten Bucks a day!

Gary: Got it.

Ben: You better get started Gary.

Gary: Hey, you're walking better.

Ben: Than what?Oh, oh, well, right, I switched to boxer shorts.

Gary: Wait a minute!This is work!

Mike: How are you Philly?

Philly: Despondent.

Mike: Huh?

Philly: Over your performance...or the lack of there in of.

Mike: Wait, I still don't...

Philly: Michael.While not delivering forty two papers may seem like a small transgression, let us suppose, you and I that one of your subscribers, thus denied, is a man this close to solving the essential questions which we wrestle with as enlightened beings.

Mike: What forty two papers?

Philly: The one's for which you will not receive remuneration.

Mike: Wait, wait a minute!Would you talk English?

Philly: Sure.You throw away forty two papers, you lose money.Do it again, you lose your job!

Mike: Benny, we must talk!

Ben: I must chew.

Mike: I'm serious Benny.I just got reamed out there!Forty two people did not get their papers yesterday!

Ben: Really?

Mike: Yes, but you let me down!

Ben: Well, how do you know they came from my half of the route?

Mike: Your half?Benny, there's only been complaints from your half of the route!Benny look, what am I paying you fifty Dollars a day for?

Ben: You're not, you're paying me twenty five.

Mike: Exactly.Benny, don't lie to me!You did not deliver those papers, did you?And I'm not gonna remunerate you for 'em!

Ben: Ha?

Mike: Look, if it happens again, I'm gonna have to let you go!

Ben: You mean I'm not gonna be your brother any more!

Gary: I don't think there'll be any complaints about undelivered papers today.

Ben: There better not be or I might have to step in; no matter what state my crotch is in.

Gary: Hey, don't worry, man.Just rest and heal.

Ben: Hey Stinky.What's the matter?

Stinky: Nothing's the matter, and I can't tell you what it is.

Ben: Stink, Stink, Stink, you'll feel better if you just let it out.That's just an expression!

Stinky: I let Gary down.

Ben: How?

Stinky: I was helping him out by delivering his newspapers, for a Dollar a day.

Ben: A Dollar!!!

Stinky: Wish he'd told me they all had to be delivered in the same day.

Gary: Hey Stinky.

Ben: You've been paying him a Dollar and keeping the other twenty four?!?

Gary: Twenty four?You only paid me ten!

Stinky: Ten?!

Gary: You get twenty five?

Ben: Don't change the subject!You've making money off the little chump.

Stinky: Yeah!

Gary: Well, what about you?You've been making money off me, right?

Ben: OK, well maybe just a little but I could have skipped you and gone right to the chump and made twenty four big ones!

Maggie: Honey, what are you doing home?

Jason: Well, it's time I told you the truth, Maggie; my new office was a lie.Every morning I get all dressed up and I go hide in the garage and wait until quitting time.

Maggie: Aha?

Jason: Ah, no, to tell you the truth I messed up and cured my four o' clock.

Maggie: Mmm.

Maggie: This isn't part of it, is it?Ben, what happened?

Ben: Errm...I had a sloppy lunch.

Jason: Hold it!

Maggie: Mr.and Mrs.Sullivan...

Stinky: I didn't fink on you, Ben, they found coleslaw in my underwear.

Stinky's Dad: Bernard, your mother's talking!

Jason: Mrs.Sullivan, what happened...

Stinky's mom: Because of Ben, our little boy was taken advantage of.

Maggie: Taken advantage of?

Stinky's dad: And covered in pudding!

Stinky's mom: All because of Ben's paper route.

Jason: Impossible!Ben doesn't even have a paper route!

Mike: Hey Mom, when's dinner?

Jason: Mike has a paper route.

Mike: Never mind.

Maggie: Stick around.

Stinky's dad: All I know is, my son delivered two hundred papers for a Dollar a day!

Mike: A Dollar!I was just making sure that I heard that right.

Stinky's dad: While Ben was keeping either nine Dollars, or twenty four Dollars for doing nothing!

Jason: What's going on here, Mike?

Mike: Ah...don't you mean, Ben, Dad?

Jason: No, I mean, Mike!

Mike: Ok, alright, Ben...err...Benny I can't cover for you any more, man!Alright, I let Ben in for half my paper route, to help him out!But little did I know that he would use my generosity to err...hustle his little friend.

Ben: I didn't hustle Stinky, I hustled Gary!

Maggie: Who's Gary?

Stinky: The kid I nailed with a pasta Vazul.

Jason: Alright Ben, we want the whole story, now!

Carol: Hi!Am I interrupting something?

Mike: Yes, you are Carol!And frankly, we're very disappointed in Ben.

Maggie: Ben, we're waiting.

Ben: Well, Mike did give me half his paper route, but I couldn't handle two hundred papers.

Carol: I thought two hundred papers was your whole route!

Ben: What?Mike, if I was delivering your whole route, how come I was only getting paid twenty five Dollars?

Carol: I thought you were getting fifty!

Mike: Err...Fifty, twenty five, you know me with math.But isn't the point here that Benny here was in deep deep trouble?

Maggie: We'll see.Mr.and Mrs.Sullivan, thank you for bringing this to our attention, I think we can handle it from here.

Stinky's mom: Well, I certainly hope so.Let's go Bernard!Waldo!

Ben: Mike, you were holding out on me!

Jason: Like you were doing to your friends.

Ben: Exactly!

Mike: Ah, well, look; I for one think that we are all getting a little upset about nothing.

Jason: Nothing!!??Mike, you're on top of a pyramid scheme here.

Carol: I'll get it, it's probably the police.

Mike: Dad, look, the Long Island Herald is keeping some money too!I mean, that's the way it's supposed to work.

Maggie: Mike!

Mike: Mom, we are talking about the free enterprise system, OK?I mean, I sold something, I kept a little profit for myself; I mean, is that wrong?Mom, I should be praised, not punished!I mean, I be Lee Iacocca's parents don't ground him every time he moves a Chrysler.

Jason: Mike!

Mike: Dad, Dad, look, punish me if you want to, but all I did was participate in a system that makes me...heck I'll just say it...darn proud to be an American.

Carol: It's Gary's parents on the phone.They wanna talk to you as soon as Ben's crotch heals.

Carol: That's all Mike got?He has to do his own paper route from now on!

Jason: That's all he got.

Carol: What happened to justice?What happened to equity?What happened to my punishing, vindictive, petty parents?

Maggie: Oh, we're still here.

Mike: Alright.Arrgghh!Come on!No, no, no!Dad, my car won't start, can I borrow yours to take my papers.I mean, I'll have 'em back before you have to leave for work.

Jason: Yeah, sure Mike.

Mike: Thanks.

Carol: Ha!

Jason: Hundred Dollars.

Mike: What?

Jason: Car rental.

Mike: Dad, I only make fifty Dollars a day.

Jason: Mike, come on, it's that free enterprise thing that you explained so well yesterday.

Mike: Dad, we're family.

Jason: But first, we're Americans.

Mike: Mom, can I borrow your car?

Maggie: Sure.

Mike: Thank you Mommy.

Maggie: I could use the money.

Mike: What?

Maggie: Two hundred Dollars.It's a station wagon.

Mike: What is it with you people?

Maggie: Hey!I be Lee Iyococo's parents don't give him an attitude when he does this.

Mike: OK, OK, you guys got me.I learned my lesson.

Jason: That's great, Mike.

Mike: Boy, Dad, was I selfish?

Maggie: You said it.

Mike: Mom, thanks for showing me the way.

Jason: Any time.

Mike: You guys are really the greatest.

Maggie: Mike...

Mike: Yeah, Mom.

Maggie: It's still gonna cost you dearly for our cars.

Jason: You know Maggie, maybe I just should of sold the kid his distributor wire.

Maggie: Or his spark plugs.

Carol: I take it all back; you guys are just as punishing, vindictive and petty as you've always been.

Stinky: Ben, what are you doing...

Ben: Here's the money I made, and it's all going to you.

Stinky: Wow.

Ben: I hope you don't hate me even though you treated me like a chump, and we're still friends.

Stinky: That's a very nice thing to say.

Ben: Tell my Dad, he wrote it.

Stinky: Wow!Who knew when I started delivering papers for a Dollar a day, I'd end up a rich man?

Ben: Not me, Stink, not me.

Stinky: Thanks Ben, you can treat me like a chump, any day.

Mike: Shut up Ben, just shut up!
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "05x10 - Paper Route"}