[At Brye Park Elementary School, children are playing in the schoolyard. One boy, Zach, gets a note from one of his friends. The class bell rings. A girl, Colleen, is waiting behind the school. As she gets up to leave, Zach joins her. We notice that she has a black eye.]

Zack : Hey.

Colleen : Hey.

Zack : So, uh, what did you want?

Colleen (embarrassed) : It's too late now.

Zack : Too late for what?

Colleen : I'll tell you later.

Zack : Come on, the bell just rang. We still got time.

Colleen : I'm ready.

Zack (surprised) : Uh, you sure?

Colleen : Yeah.

Zack : Why now, all of a sudden?

Colleen : What, you don't want to anymore?

Zack : Yeah, I do. I'm just wondering what changed your mind.

Colleen (smiles) : You did.

[They shift around, awkwardly, for a moment.]

Zack: Now?

Colleen : If you want.

[They hesitate, get closer to kiss… but are interrupted by a voice. Ms. Washburn, the administrator, witnessed the scene.]

Ms. Washburn : Excuse me. You two need to come with me.

[Inside the school, Ms. Washburn takes Colleen and Zach to the principal’s office.]

Ms. Washburn : Take a seat.

Colleen : But we didn't—

Ms. Washburn : You know you're not supposed to be back there.

Zack : We weren't doing anything.

Ms. Washburn: That's not what it looked like to me. Principal Fields will be back as soon as the assembly is over.

Colleen : Ms. Washburn, please, if I get one more referral, my mom—

Ms. Washburn : Bench.

[She points at the bench behind them. The two students turn around and are surprised to find it already occupied… by House.]

House : Who put sand in her vagina?

[Opening credits]

THREE DAYS EARLIER

[House and Foreman are standing in front of a door to a students’ dorm room. Foreman knocks, a young man opens and lets them in.]

House : Hey, kids. How you boys doing?

[Another boy is lying on the couch and a third one is sitting at a table, studying. They are all surprised by this visit. Foreman sets to searching the place while House, wearing a long black trench coat, gets something out of his backpack.]

Boy 1 (at the table) : Uh, can we help you?

House : I certainly hope so. [Holding a laptop.] You know what this is?

Boy 1 : A laptop?

House : [Putting the laptop in front of the young man at the table.] Password-protected laptop that I need you nerds to hack into.

Foreman : [Standing in the kitchen area.] No insecticides or toxic cleaners.

House : Check the bathroom.

Boy 1 : Who are you?

House : Your roommate's doctor. You remember your roommate, don't you?

Boy 2 (on the couch) : I thought he just had bronchitis.

House : That's what the morons at the Rutgers Student Medical Center thought, which may be part of the reason he just coughed up a lung.

Boy 1 : What do you mean, he coughed up a lung?

House : He coughed… after which the respiratory organ which resided in his chest resided in his mouth… Actually, his hand. Well, his mouth, then his hand.

Foreman : Bathroom's clean.

House : [Pointing at the boy’s soft drink cup.] What's in this?

Boy 1 : Just soda.

House : Mind if I have some?

[House picks it up. He is wearing a shiny gold watch on his left wrist.]

Boy 1 : You want my drink?

House : You got a problem with that? [He takes a sip.]

Boy 2 : Uh, yeah. Actually, I do. You barge into our room, start looking through our personal, private stuff, demand I hack into a computer I think I can safely assume doesn't belong—

[House pulls out a g*n from his coat and sh**t the boy on the couch.]

House : Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? Please continue. You were talking about personal privacy. [The boy at the table is obviously scared speechless.] What, you're finished? Well, allow me to retort. [House aims the g*n right at him…]

TWO HOURS EARLIER

[Cut to a classroom at Brye Park. It’s Career Day and students are listening to House. He is holding his cane like a g*n.]

Ms. Corwin (the teacher) : Wait a second. You're saying this actually happened?

House : Absolutely.

Timmy (one of the students) : You're lying.

House : Interesting theory. Can you prove it?

Timmy : Doctors don't carry g*n. They don't sh**t people, and they definitely don't search patients' homes. Plus, I've seen Pulp Fiction — the movie you're totally ripping off.

House : Huh.

[Back to the bench outside the principal’s office. Zach and Colleen are sitting on one side, House on the other.]

Zack : Wait, uh, was it Timmy Morgan?

House : I have no idea.

Zack : It had to be him. He's, like, totally obsessed with old movies.

House (offended) : Pulp Fiction is not an old mov— What?

Colleen : So you're here to talk to the principal about something Timmy did?

House : I got no problem with Timmy. And even if I did, I ain't no snitch.

Zack : Then why are you here?

House : To dig myself out of a hole. Instead I dug a bigger one.

Zack : What'd you do?

House : What'd you do?

Zack : What'd you do?

House : What happened to your eye?

Zack : It's none of your business.

[Colleen tries to hide it but House turns her face to take a better look at the eye.]

House : Actually, it's none of yours. I'm a doctor. It's a few days old, so that's not why you're here, unless you two got busted for some sort of revenge plot. But then you'd look angry instead of… ashamed.

Colleen : I'm not ashamed.

House : Interesting. You defensively insist that you're not ashamed, which, of course, means you are ashamed. And yet, you're the victim.

Zack : You want to know how she got the black eye? Tell us why you're here first.

House : Anyone ever tell you you're annoying?

Zack : No.

Colleen (laughing) : Yes, all the time. But he's right. You want to know? You first.

[Back in the classroom.]

House : I didn't k*ll anybody. I have to be here, so I figured I'd punch up the stakes in the first act. But we did, and almost always do, search the patient's home. And if we tell them first, then they can hide something that we need to know in order to figure out what's wrong with them.

Sophie : Why would they hide something that could be k*lling them?

House : Because they are morons. They're all morons, and everybody lies.

Gabe : Wait, if everybody lies, then that means you're lying right now.

House : I didn't say everybody always lies… Aristotle. And on that note, unless there are any questions… Good.

[House is on his way out but Ms. Corwin, the teacher, calls him back.]

Corwin : Oh, Dr. Hourani… before you finish, maybe you could describe what you actually do. You know, like if someone comes in for a routine physical?

House : You want routine?

Corwin : Please.

[Cut to the exam room at the clinic. House is checking out a blonde woman in stirrups.]

Woman : It just feels kind of, like, numb.

House : You do a lot of bicycle riding?

Woman : No.

House : How long have you been married?

Woman : It's 12 years next month.

House : [Reading her chart.] You have six kids.

Woman : Mm-hmm. Well, you don't think it could have anything to do with that, do you?

House : Probably. How often do you use your vibrator?

Woman : Excuse me?

House : Your battery-operated Brad Pitt. After giving the gift of life to six eight-pound, four-ounce wrecking balls, I think I can safely assume it's an industrial-strength model?

[Back to the classroom.]

Corwin (slightly shocked) : Dr. Hourani, please.

House : You wanted routine. Am I done?

Corwin : Maybe we should just move on.

House : No problem.

[He starts to leave again.]

Corwin : I meant with your typical day. I assume you see more than one patient?

House : Nope.

Corwin : Okay. Then I guess we will move on to our next guest.

[House heads for the back of the room to sit down with the other speakers, but is stopped before he does so.]

Gabe : Wait, if you only see one patient, what do you do the rest of the day?

Corwin : Dr. Hourani?

[House walks back to the front of the room and… Cut to the clinic where Cuddy enters and joins House by the central desk.]

House : Just in time for lunch.

Cuddy (looking at files) : By lunch, you mean a conference call with the board, and by just in time, you mean, 20 minutes late.

House : I meant sex… Fine. Lunch. How about we start with a small tossed salad?

Cuddy : As of this morning, I'm on a diet.

[She leaves him and heads for her office. House follow her.]

House : Meaning?

Cuddy (sitting behind her desk) : I told you, I'm busy.

House : No, you told me you were supposed to be busy 20 minutes ago. But you were obviously able to put them off then, there's no reason you can't put them off now.

Cuddy : How about, "I wanted to then, and now I don't"?

[She picks up the phone but House puts his finger on the receiver so that she won’t get a signal.]

Cuddy : Get your finger off my phone.

House : We obviously have something we need to discuss.

Cuddy : Now is not a good time.

House : If you're mad because you don't feel you're getting the necessary amount of “affection,” all you have to do is ask.

Cuddy (getting pissed) : Seriously, not now.

House : If memory serves, I enjoyed a healthy Sunday brunch. So your insinuation—

[Cuddy slams the phone down on House’s finger.]

House : Ow! What is your problem?

Cuddy (mad) : You! You are my problem. You are the most selfish, self-centered son of a bitch on the face of the planet. And I'm sick of it. I'm just… done. I can't deal with you anymore.

[Back to the classroom. Everyone is quiet.]

House : So that's what a typical doctor does on a typical day. Any questions?

Alex : What's a vibrator?

[Cut to the lobby outside the principal’s office.]

Colleen : Why was your girlfriend so mad?

House : It doesn't matter.

Colleen : Well, obviously it matters. I mean, if she's your girlfriend, you should care how she feels.

House : I mean, it doesn't matter to the story.

Colleen : It's the most important part of the story. It's the only thing that does matter. You don't kiss her enough — is that the problem?

House : Absolutely not.

Colleen : Which, by your definition, means it is.

House : We kiss plenty. Your turn.

Colleen : Then what's the problem?

House : Your turn.

Colleen : What's the problem?

House : [To the receptionist, sitting at a desk nearby.] Excuse me. When exactly will the commandant be back?

Receptionist : Shouldn't be much longer, sir.

Zack : Well?

[House looks at both of them but doesn’t answer.]

Colleen : Oh, so now you're not gonna talk. That's real mature.

Zack : All right, fine. We got busted for kissing behind the school. Now you know why we're here. So tell us why you're here.

House : The deal was about the black eye.

Colleen : And we didn't kiss.

House : So you were just making him beg, huh? I didn't have you pegged as a tease.

Colleen : I'm not a tease.

House : The available evidence suggests otherwise.

Colleen : I'm not a tease.

House : Prove it… By–by telling me your story.

[Cut to the schoolyard. Zach is playing basketball with his friends. Colleen approaches him, furious.]

Colleen : You're a pathetic loser, jerk! And I wouldn't kiss you if I had brain cancer and your lips were the cure!

[Colleen turns around and leaves Zach, surprised and speechless.]

[Back to the bench.]

House : She actually said that?

Zack : Well, yeah, that was, like, two days ago.

Colleen : It doesn't matter. I clearly didn't lead him along or anything like that, which proves I'm not a tease. So why is your girlfriend mad at you?

House : I'm getting a kind of bossy vibe. I take it you're into that.

Colleen : Don't answer! Your turn.

[Cut to a hospital room. Masters, Foreman, Chase and Taub come in to question Phillip, their new patient. He is coughing and seems to have trouble breathing.]

Masters : What seems to be the problem, sir?

Phillip : I'm having more difficulty breathing and some pain in my chest.

[Foreman and Taub clearly don’t listen but are paying much more attention to the nurse in the room.]

Chase : You're new, aren't you?

Nurse : Uh, yeah, I just moved from Chicago.

Taub : Chicago's awesome. What part are you from?

[The patient coughs blood.]

Masters : We need to get a chest C.T.

Foreman : Excuse me, I'm the senior team member, which means we don't need anything unless I say we need it.

[Masters and Foreman are very professional; Taub and Chase still don’t care as the patient keeps coughing.]

Taub : [To the nurse] Do you want to have an affair?

Chase : You want to have a threesome?

Masters : You can't talk to her like that. I'm telling Cuddy.

[Masters rushes out of the room.]

Foreman : We need a chest C.T.

Taub and Chase : Get it yourself.

[Back to the classroom.]

Sophie : Isn't that, like, sexual harassment?

House : Not if you're good-looking.

Female Lawyer (one of the parents waiting her turn to talk) : Excuse me?

Gabe : You said the one guy was short with a big nose.

House : Guess that's not the only thing that's big.

Alex : What does that mean?

Gabe : It means he's lying… again.

House : [Gets closer to one of the boys’ face and screams.] Because you can't handle the truth!

Timmy : That's so easy. A Few Good Men.

Corwin : Okay, I give up. I think we should move on to our next guest. Mr. Dryden… uh, works for one of the largest advertising agencies in New York City.

[A father, who looks like a Mad Men extra, gets up and walks toward the front of the room while House takes a seat.]

Kids : Boring! Boring!

Sophie : [Turning around, to House.] Can we at least hear what happened to the patient?

Kids : [All begging] Yeah! Please…

Corwin : If Dr. Hourani promises to—

House : Patient's d*ad. Floor is yours, Don.

Dryden : Dave.

Timmy : He's not d*ad. You said earlier he was still in the hospital.

Sophie : What's wrong with him?

House : He's got a cough.

Gabe : You said he coughed up a lung.

Alex : What about the laptop?

Sophie : Who cares about the laptop?

Gabe : Yeah, and he already said he was lying about that, you moron.

Corwin : Gabe… we do not use that word here.

Gabe : He did.

House : Yeah, and I was talking about people like you.

Kids : Ooh.

Corwin : Dr. Hourani, please, could you just finish, quickly, so we can move on?

[House gets up and walks back to the front of the class.]

[Cut to the patient’s room. The team rushes in, monitors are beeping as the nurse Is taking care of Phillip, who is coughing harder.]

Nurse : I don't know what's wrong. He was s*ab for a while, and then all of a sudden, he just—

Masters : Bronchial infection must be from a drug-resistant strain.

Chase : O-2 sats are plummeting.

Taub : We need to get him on a bronchodilator before he goes into respiratory arrest.

Foreman : Suction, sit him up.

Chase : Start blow by oxygen.

[Phillip gags, coughs and starts to throw up something into his hands.]

Masters (horrified) : What is that?

Chase : I think it's his… It's his lung.

[Back to the classroom.]

Gabe : That actually happened?

House : Yes, it really happened. I take cases that other doctors fail to diagnose, which is why I only take one at a time. My current patient is a college student. He's actually in the hospital right now. And, yes, he really did cough up a large portion of d*ad lung tissue.

Sophie : How's that even possible?

House (like he’s telling the punch line to a bad, dirty joke) : That's what she said. [He waits for a reaction from his audience but gets none.] No, she did literally say that.

[Cut to the Diagnostic room. The team is working on the case while House is busy trying to hack the laptop.]

Masters : How's that even possible?

Taub : Primary squamous carcinoma could cause lung tissue to basically disintegrate.

Foreman : It's not cancer. F.O.B. was normal.

Chase : It's not an infection either. Broad-spectrum antibiotics haven't had any effect.

House : Who password-protects a computer they keep in a locked desk in a locked office?

Masters : Someone who works with someone who thinks it's okay to break into other people's homes?

Foreman : An amebic liver abscess could rupture through the diaphragm into the thorax.

Chase : Not when his liver-function tests are all normal.

Masters : His dorm mates are computer science majors. If they're fabricating chips, they could be working with all kinds of different toxic solvents.

House : We need to search the dorm.

Foreman : "We"?

House : Oui. Allons-y. While we're out, do a thorascopic lung biopsy and a c-ANCA, because it's sarcoidosis.

[House closes the laptop, gets up and leaves the office, followed by Foreman.]

Taub : But if you think it's sarcoidosis, why are you…

[Cut to the classroom.]

Gabe : So you really did force his roommate to hack into the laptop?

House : Why would I lie?

Alex : But whose laptop is it?

Sophie : It's your girlfriend's, isn't it?

House : She's not my girlfriend. I'm just interested in her because she's a client, and she sleeps above her covers — four feet above her covers.

Sophie : What?

Timmy : Ghostbusters.

Sophie : So that's why she's so mad — you looked through her computer?

House : No, that part happened after she got mad. First she got mad. Then I stole her computer to fix things. And then we got the case.

Corwin : Wait, so you tried to fix your relationship by stealing her computer?

House : Well, when you say it like that… Yes.

Female lawyer : Looks like you're the moron.

Kids : Ooh!

[Cut to the underground parking lot of the hospital. Taub is driving a car with a fancy electronic guidance system. He backs up to the entry doors. Chase and House come out to unload a portable launcher from the back of the car.

Taub : I can also get three sets of golf clubs in there.

[Chase and House set it up in front of Cuddy’s office.]

[Cut to the classroom.]

Timmy : No way. You didn't get her laptop by bl*wing down the door of her office. That's from Thunderbolt and Lightfoot.

House : Just seeing if you're still paying attention. It was actually more subtle.

[Cut to the elevator door opening. House, wearing a blue denim windbreaker and a gold chain, is smoking a cigar.]

Timmy : The Thomas Crown Affair — the Steve McQueen version.

Sophie : Just tell us the truth already.

Dryden : Excuse me. But there are others here who would like a chance to speak.

House : Go right ahead.

Kids : No!

House : Audience is always right.

[Cut to the clinic. It seems to be a normal day, busy with patients and nurses. A woman and her son are waiting at the desk.]

Mother (embarrassed) : Luke.

[One by one, people seem to be bothered by a strange smell.]

Luke : It wasn't me.

Nurse : [Adressing an old woman who s about to pass out] Ma'am, are you okay? Can you hear me?

Mother : Ooh, what's that smell?

Patients : Ugh.

[Some people rush outside, others fall over, unconscious. House is here, wearing his “I’m in charge” hat. He has cotton balls in his nostrils.]]

House (hillbilly accent) : Smells like a gas leak.

Nurse : Call Dr. Cuddy.

[Back to the classroom.]

Female lawyer : You poisoned a room full of patients so you could steal your girlfriend's laptop?

House : I didn't poison anybody. I spilled some hydrogen sulfide and ammonia on the floor, thinking the stench would clear the place out. But instead of breathing through his nose, some idiot decided to hold his breath. He passes out, and before I know it, the place is a perfect storm of mass hysteria… Although it worked out just as well.

[Back to the bench outside the principal’s office.]

Colleen : They're morons.

House : Agreed.

Colleen : No, not the patients, the kids. It doesn't matter how you stole it. What matters is why.

House : You know, you're starting to remind me of someone.

[Cut to Wilson’s office.]

Wilson : I didn't ask how you stole it. I asked why.

House : [Holding the laptop.] Isn't it obvious?

Wilson : You think you can tell why she's mad by reading budget spreadsheets and per diem schedules?

House : I know why she's mad. What I need to know is how to make her un-mad. And step one is gaining access to the journal on her laptop, where she records her innermost thoughts… Instead of just watching p*rn with me. [Wilson is speechless.] Oh, grow up. If p*rn was bad, why would there be so many nuns in it?

Wilson : Why is she mad?

House : I was myself, which, by the way, she's supposed to love unconditionally. [It seems that Wilson doesn’t believe House.] I didn't do anything! We had a great weekend. Went to a blues club, we watched Cinderfella on DVD.

Wilson : And?

House : It doesn't matter. She's being unreasonable, and I have to fix it. I need to know what's really important to her. I need something big.

Wilson : Because?

House : We're past that.

Wilson : Have you tried childhood pet names?

House : I don't know her pets.

Wilson : She's never mentioned a pet?

House : Well, yeah, but I wasn't listening. She's not mad because I don't remember a d*ad dog's name.

Wilson : Her first dog was Ronaldo.

House (typing on the laptop) : Is that R-o or R-e-y?

Wilson : I didn't ask. Try both.

[There’s a knock on the door. It’s Foreman.]

Foreman : Just got a case from the E.R. Rutgers student came in with what looked like acute bronchitis. But there's nothing in his blood or sputum cultures.

House : Don't you think it's time you people stop looking to the white man to solve all your problems?

Foreman : His O-2 sats are in the toilet. If we don't figure out what's attacking his—

House : So figure it out! I'm busy.

[Back to the classroom.]

Sophie : That can't be true.

House : Why not?

Sophie : 'Cause if he was dying — I mean, you're a doctor.

House : Patients die every day. Not all of them are interesting.

[Back to the bench.]

Colleen : You still haven't answered either question.

House : She was mad because she's genetically programmed to make a big deal out of every little thing.

Colleen : So she's mad 'cause she's a girl.

House (indicating Colleen) : And now she's mad because she's programmed to make a big deal out of every little thing.

Zack : Actually, she's not like that.

House : Why are you sticking up for her? She says you're a pathetic jerk and she hates you.

Zack : That was a long time ago.

Colleen : It was two days ago.

Zack : And it wasn't even true then.

Colleen : How do you know?

Zack : Because I know how you think.

Colleen : Really?

Zack : Really.

House : Really?

[Cut to the schoolyard. Zach and Colleen are both involved in a jump rope contest. They are jumping, facing each other as all their friends are cheering loudly. Colleen trips on the rope and consequently loses. Zach seems to be very excited that he has won. He addresses a disappointed Colleen.]

Zack : Hey. Uh, and no peck on the cheek. It has to be on the lips.

[Back to the bench.]

House : Winning a bet to force her to kiss you actually cuts against your theory that you know how she thinks.

Zack : I wasn't forcing her to do anything that she didn't want to do.

House : You're hoping for a career in the NBA or the NFL?

Zack : The bet let her do what she wanted to do while still being able to act like she didn't, so her friends wouldn't get all, like, calling her a slut or something. [Colleen gives him a meaningful look.] Not that it's slutty or anything. It's just a kiss.

Colleen : Not even close to true. I just couldn't believe I'd lose.

House : Ah, now we're getting somewhere.

Colleen : No, we're not.

House : Oh, I thought we were.

Colleen : No, you thought we weren't, and that's exactly what you want, because you don't want to tell us why was she mad at you! You tell us you don't want to do your job because you're too busy trying to break into your girlfriend's laptop to figure out a way to make her not mad at you. But you don't tell us why she was mad at you.

House : It's stupid.

Colleen : Talk.

[Cut to Cuddy’s living room. She is laying out a yoga mat while House is putting his shoes on to leave in the morning.]

House : I'm out of here. Unless…

Cuddy (smiling) : Rachel's gonna be up soon.

House : Well, you never know.

Cuddy : Yes, I do. Can you take the garbage out before you go?

House : Uh, I-I-I would, but… [He points at his painful leg.]

Cuddy : Oh, come on. It's not a lot.

House : Pain's always worst first thing in the morning.

[House gets up, gives Cuddy a kiss and leaves, slamming the door. Cuddy is pissed, and worried it will wake up Rachel but doesn’t hear a thing so she starts stretching until…]

Rachel : Mommy!

[Too late for Cuddy, she won’t be able to do her yoga routine and heads for Rachel’s room. Holding her daughter in her arms, they go to the bathroom to discover that House left the toilet seat up, didn’t clean the toothpaste in the sink and used her toothbrush! Cuddy looks disgusted.]

[Cut to the bench.]

Colleen : You used her toothbrush?

Zack : That's so gross.

House : What's the big deal? It's not like she had a problem swapping spit the night before.

Colleen : Well, maybe it's not the swapping spit that bothers her, but the fact that you don't listen to her. Had she warned you not to do it?

House : Oh, I listen to her.

Colleen : But you just said before that you didn't.

House : No, I said I didn't remember what she said.

Colleen : No, you said you don't listen—

House : I listen to her. Okay? Believe me, I listen.

[Back at Cuddy’s, the couple is watching “Cinderfella”, lying on the couch.]

Cuddy : It's my toothbrush, and it's not just once. And it's not like I'd even care, but you totally destroy it. You're supposed to brush with it, not gnaw on it like a rawhide bone.

House : I think Miss Four Cavities' time would be better spent copying Mr. No Cavities instead of complaining about him. And given what I'd just been doing, I thought you wouldn't want me going out to dinner without a good brush and a floss.

Cuddy : Would you please just use the toothbrush I bought you?

House : Would you please just shut up and watch the movie? [She turns her head to look at him. He meets her eyes.] I said, "please."

[Back to the bench.]

Zack : Why would you have to brush your teeth before you go to dinner?

House : You don't want to know… yet.

Colleen : You're gross and dumb. You listen to what she says just so you can tell her how wrong she is.

House : You are clueless and naive. I have to tell her that she's wrong, 'cause no one else will. She's the boss, which means she's surrounded by morons who are either afraid of her, or they want to kiss up to her, or they want to… kiss her.

Colleen : But not you.

House : I already kissed her. And I respect her enough not to treat her like some tender blossom who needs to be coddled.

Zack : Makes sense to me.

Colleen : That's what you think you did?

Zack : Yeah, totally.

House (surprised) : You mean… Wha— You? [He makes a fist.]

Zack : No, I didn't punch her.

[Cut to the gym. The kids are playing a game of floor hockey and Zach and Colleen are on opposing teams. Zach, who has the puck, heads toward goalie Colleen, smiles at her… and then slams the pucks as hard as he can. It accidentally hits her face.]

[Back to the bench.]

House : You're a moron.

Zack : I didn't mean to. The stick had wicked heel curve.

House : Did I mention you're a moron?

Zack : Okay, you just said it's wrong to treat your girlfriend like she's weaker than you.

House : I'm not talking about trying to score. I'm talking about sh**ting high. Tennis shoes on a wooden floor? She obviously can't butterfly and cover the low corners.

Colleen : Your turn. The laptop.

[Cut to the hospital. House is sitting in the office of the real Dr. Hourani, working on Cuddy’s laptop. The doctor arrives.]

Hourani : I must be in the midst of a complex partial seizure, 'cause I know you are not sitting at my desk.

House : Sorry. Ran out of lotion in mine.

Hourani : Get the hell out of here.

House : Can't. This is the only place left that Cuddy'll never look for me. And I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Hourani : Well, I can tell you, what you're about to find is my foot in your ass.

House : I don't think we've got enough lotion for that.

Hourani : How did you even get in here? The door was locked.

House : Well, either I can walk through walls, or… We have liftoff.

[Hourani leans over House’s shoulder to take a look at the laptop’s screen.]

Hourani : Is that Cuddy's journal?

House : No, it's a freelance piece I'm writing for Teen Vogue. [He closes it.]

Hourani : No, no, no. Let me see that.

House : Sorry, got to go. [He gets up.]

Hourani : [Holding out his hand.] Key.

[House hands Hourani an unbent paper clip and heads out.]

House : I got to give you one thing, Hourani. Your wife — she's beautiful. I mean, wow.

Hourani : Thank you. [Hourani looks at the family picture on his desk and smiles… and then remembers something that makes him open his desk drawer quickly. Something’s missing.] House!

[In the hallway, the elevator door is closing on House smiling. He has taped a photo of Mrs. Hourani wearing lingerie on the door.]

[Cut to the classroom.]

Alex : Wait. I thought you were Dr. Hourani.

Kids : Yeah, who are you?

[Everyone is now wondering. House doesn’t know what to respond.]

[Cut to the bench outside the principal’s office.]

Colleen : So that's why you're here? Well, that was stupid.

House : I know. [He answers his cellphone.] Mr. Stupid-Head at your service.

Foreman (on the phone) : Where are you now?

House : In the principal's office.

Foreman (from the patient’s room) : House, we don't have time for games. Pet scan was negative for sarcoidosis.

House : Great. Means the treatment's already working.

Foreman : It would if we'd actually started the treatment, but we didn't.

House : Why the hell not?

Foreman : Because it's not sarcoidosis. If you were here, you would know that. He's dying. What's left of his lung is collapsing. F.N.A. of the mediastinal—

House : I don't care about the F.N.A. What I care about is how he responds to the treatment.

Foreman : House.

House : Just do it. [He hangs up.] Sarcoidosis… is a diagnosis of exclusion, which means that the cowards who spend their time excluding what it isn't usually cause their patients to die from what it is.

Zack : I don't get it. Why would you lie about your name?

Colleen : Well, who cares? What did she write in her journal?

House : Thank you. That is exactly my point. Why does no one ever believe me?

Zack : What?

House : Just because he's dying doesn't make it interesting.

Zack : You cheated on her, didn't you?

House : No, I didn't cheat on her.

Zack : It's obviously more than just you used her toothbrush and wouldn't take the garbage out.

House : No, actually, it was exactly that.

[Cut to Cuddy’s front door. She is standing in the doorway and House is outside.]

Cuddy : I just need some time alone.

House : Because I used your toothbrush?

Cuddy : And you wouldn't take out the garbage.

House : That's insane. You know that, right?

Cuddy : You do whatever you want, always.

House : I said I was sorry. I was — I was still half asleep. I wasn't paying attention.

Cuddy : And you're always right. And I don't mean you always think you're right. But y-you are actually always right, because that's all that matters.

House : That doesn't even make sense. What, you want me to be wrong?

Cuddy : I want you to care about more than just what you want, what you think. You need me, House. And you may even love me. But you don't care about me. And I deserve someone who does.

[Cuddy closes the door on a silent House.]

[Back to the bench.]

Colleen : That's what I said. You don't listen to her.

House : You didn't say that.

Colleen : Yes, I did.

House : Well, I wasn't listening, then.

Zack : But you found a way to fix things, right? That's why you were happy when you read her laptop.

House : I did. At least I thought I did.

[Cut to a hospital hallway. House is walking with Sanford Wells, the chairman of the hospital board.]

House : She recently got the thin envelope from her first choice preschool. But it turns out it was her fake first choice, 'cause she was convinced she couldn't get her kid into her actual first choice without a substantial donation or an inside connection.

Wells : If it's Brye Park, I'm afraid she's right.

[Back to Zach, Colleen and House.]

Zack : Wait, that's our school.

Colleen : What other school would he be talking about? Just finish the story.

House : You know, I got to tell you — there is bossy, which can be sexy. And then there's bitchy—

Colleen : Finish the story.

[Back to House and Wells.]

House : You obviously know this because you're on the school board, which puts you on the inside, and being the CEO here obviously connects you with Cuddy.

Wells : Well, if we're so connected, why isn't she the one asking?

House : Because she thinks it's wrong to use connections to cut in line. I don't.

Wells : I might be able to help.

House : Fantastic.

Wells : But I could use a favor as well.

[Cut to House’s car. He is talking on the phone while driving to Brye Park, for Career Day.]

Foreman (on the phone) : Where are you?

House : I needed to take care of something.

Foreman : It's not a foreign body. [He is in the scan room with Masters. They are talking to House via speakerphone.]

House : You must have missed it.

Foreman : If we do any more imaging, we're gonna have to add radiation poisoning to the DDX.

House : I meant the sarcoidosis.

Masters : The biopsy and c-ANCA were both negative.

Foreman : We're gonna have to do a pneumonectomy .

House : No sign of drug or alcohol abuse. He's not a smoker, a coal miner, or a potter — it's sarcoidosis. Start him on corticosteroids and methotrexate.

Foreman : If it's a drug-resistant bug, and we give him steroids—

House : He'll die, which from the sound of it wouldn't be much worse. [Suddenly House slams on his brakes… too late: he’s rear-ended the car in front of him.] You moron.

[It turns out the car belongs to Dave Dryden, who House will meet again later at Career Day. As Dryden walks to House’s car, House quickly takes his wallet out of his pocket and hides under his driver seat.]

[Back to the bench.]

Zack : But you have to show him your I.D. And your insurance stuff. You can't just give him a fake name.

House : You don't have to do anything. Last time I checked, this was still America. Of course, that was ten years ago.

Colleen : But you're gonna pay him, right? I mean, it was your fault.

House : A yellow light does not mean stop. It was, at the most, 20% my fault. Since insurance companies automatically put 100% of the fault on the rear-ender, my little lie was actually an effort to achieve an outcome closer to the truth. And it would have worked, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.

[Back to the classroom.]

House : I am Dr. Hourani.

Alex : Then why did you say the other doctor was Hourani?

House : It's, uh — it's a common name. It's like Smith… in Lebanon.

Dryden : [Standing up and walking toward House.] Let me see your I.D.

House : I told you, I left it in my other pants.

Dryden : Really? 'Cause it looks like it's still in this pair.

[Dryden tries to reach House’s pocket.]

House : Get your hands off me.

Dryden : Give me your I.D.

[They start pushing each other and fighting.]

House : Hey, would you stop that?

Dryden : Give me your I.D.

Corwin : Gentlemen, please.

House : What? What?

Corwin : Kids, stay calm.

Dryden : Gimme your I.D.!

Corwin : Stop this right now! Stay in your seats, kids. Stay calm, you guys. Stay in your seats. Gentlemen, please. This is not the time or place.

[They are still fighting and Corwin is trying to stop them when suddenly, the room is silent. Ms. Washburn just walked in.]

Ms. Washburn : Is there a problem in here, Ms. Corwin?

[Back to the bench.]

Zack : Why don't you just take off? It's not like the principal can call your parents.

Colleen : No, but the principal can call the police or the guy he's doing the favor for.

Zack : His girlfriend's obviously gonna find out. He's screwed. I'd bolt.

Colleen : No, you wouldn't.

Zack : Yeah, I would.

Colleen : No, you wouldn't.

House : How do you know?

[Cut to the back of the school where Zach and Colleen were secretly meeting. Colleen is standing, eyes closed, as Zach gets closer to her. He backs out.]

Colleen : What's wrong?

Zack : I guess… I don't want to do it like this. Sorry for sh**ting the puck so hard and tricking you in the bet.

Colleen : You didn't trick me.

Zack : Yeah, I did. I gave Madison a Red d*ad Revolver cheat code so she'd h*t your foot with the rope.

Colleen (relieved) : I knew you couldn't b*at me.

Zack : You're right. It's just… I really like you. And I'm pretty sure you like me too. But I don't want to play any more games. When you want — I mean, if you ever want to, just tell me you're ready, and, you know… Sorry.

[Back to the kids and House.]

House : Well done.

Colleen : He's not always a jerk. And neither are you. She obviously likes you. Just stop using her toothbrush and stop playing games. She'll still like you.

Zack : She's bossy… but she's usually right.

[Ms. Fields, the principal, comes in the lobby and looks at House.]

[Cut to the principal’s office. Ms. Fields is looking at House’s driver’s license. It reads:

GREGORY HOUSE

DOB : 05-15-1959

221 Baker Street, Apt. B

Princeton, NJ 06542

(…)

She hands it back to House.]

House : Thank you.

Ms. Fields : Dr. House, can I ask you a question? Are you insane or just stupid?

House : Is there a third option?

Ms. Fields : Actually, I don't think there is.

House (embarrassed) : I'm sorry. I-I just wasn't thinking. I mean, I was, but only about myself, which is apparently the way I am… Usually, not always. And I need to convince someone of that.

Ms. Fields : Mm-hmm. And you think you can do that by getting someone to pull strings to get her daughter into our preschool. I spoke to Sanford Wells. [They sit on either side of the principal’s desk.]

House : You can call the police. You can turn me in for lying at the accident.

Ms. Fields : Oh, I'm sure Mr. Dryden has already taken care of that.

House : Let her daughter in. She's a great kid, and Dr. Cuddy is a great mom. They'll fit in perfectly here.

Ms. Fields : And how exactly does admitting her daughter prove how unselfish you are? Seems like you're still doing it to help yourself, not anyone else.

House : I don't know. I just know that I need to do something. I need her in my life. You know what it's like to actually need someone?

Ms. Fields : Yes. I do. But I also know what it's like to have responsibilities. Maybe it's time you grew up.

[House takes it all in, then notices a poster on Ms Fields’ wall: “The Princess and the Pea”. He gets an epiphany]

Ms. Fields : Dr. House… is there anything you'd like to say?

House : Can I be excused?

[Without waiting for the answer, he gets up and leaves.]

[Cut to the patient’s room. House enters, Foreman is there.]

House : It's just food. Something small enough to go down the wrong pipe, too big to get washed out by the bronchial lavage.

Foreman : Wouldn't show up on a C.T.

House : But would cause the C.O.P.D. And wouldn't respond to steroids or antibiotics. Prep him for exploratory surgery and start the betting.

Foreman : Betting?

House : I got a hundred bucks says it's a pea.

Cut to Cuddy’s office. House enters, she is working on her laptop.]

Cuddy (still upset) : I'm busy.

House : I know. [He closes the door.] I just want to say that I'm sorry.

Cuddy : Shouldn't you be saying that to Sanford Wells? A fifth-grade career day? You really thought you could pull that off?

House : I figured, how hard could it be? [He sits down in front of her.] And I wanted to prove to you that I do care about your needs and Rachel's. I do.

Cuddy : Is that why you also stole my computer?

House : Yes, it is.

Cuddy : And then threw it in the trash?

House : I did not throw it, I placed it, knowing that the janitor would find it and know it was yours and return it to you unharmed. I'm a moron. But that doesn't mean I-I don't care about you, that I don't think about you, that I don't want you to be happy. I was wrong. You were right. I can do better. Just… give me a chance.

[She takes a few seconds to consider things.]

Cuddy : So what were you — an Astronaut or a Bullfighter?

House : I was myself… for the most part. [He seems to consider if he should say anything else.] I know you're still upset, so I'm gonna… I'll leave you to — [He gets up and heads for the door.] to deal with it however you want.

[She calls him before he leaves.]

Cuddy : House. [House turns around.] You want to come over for dinner tonight?

House : I'd love to.

[She gives him a smile that grows bigger when House pulls out a brand new toothbrush from his pocket. He leaves Cuddy’s office, also smiling.]

The End.
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x13 - Two Stories"}