FADE IN:

An outside sh*t of the Simpsons house.

Inside, the whole family is gathered at the table, eating breakfast.

FEMALE RADIO ANNOUNCER: And now to our own pie in the sky -- Bill Pie in the KBBL traffic copter.  So come on in, Bill.

BILL: Bad news, drivers.  There's an overturned melon truck on the interstate.  Oh, it's a mess.  There's lots of rubbernecking and melon wrestling going on, so expect delays---

Homer grabs a carton of milk, revealing a box of donuts on the table.

BART: Hey, donuts!

Bart grabs the box.

LISA: Bart, there's one left, and it's mine.

They rip at the box until it rips in two.  The donut flies into the air, bonks Homer on the head, and falls into his plate.

HOMER: Ooh.

He picks it up and eats it.

BART: Aw, Homer!

LISA: Aw, Dad!

A horn honks outside.

LISA: Uh-oh, school bus.

BART: Hey, cool your jets, man.  We're coming.

MARGE: You forgot the special lunches I made.

BART: That's okay, Mom!

LISA: We got money!

The two steal some cash from Marge's purse.

MARGE: Now just a darn--

She is cut off as Homer looks at his watch and lets out a piercing scream.

HOMER: Aaah!

Homer fixes his tie, steals Marge's coffee and drinks it, and leaves the home.  Marge is left alone in the kitchen with only Maggie to keep her company.

BILL: This is Bill Pie, your pie in the sky, saying good-bye.

RADIO: KBBL!

MARGE: Well, Maggie, it's just you and me again.

But Maggie has fallen asleep on the table.

DJ: This is KBBL.  K Babble, all talk, 24 hours a day.  If you'd like to share your embarrassing problem with our listening audience, we invite you to call our therapist of the airwaves, Dr. Marvin Monroe.  Our number is 555-PAIN.  Don't be afraid.  Call now.

Marge taps her fingers on the table for several seconds before rushing to the phone.

CUT TO:

The radio station, where MONROE sits smoking a cigarette near a big pile of donuts.

MARGE: Hello.  I'd like to talk to Dr. Monroe.

CALL RECEPTIONIST: First name, age, problem?

MARGE: I'm Marge, 34, and my problem is my husband.  He doesn't listen to me.  He doesn't appreciate me.  I don't know how much more of this I can---

CALL RECEPTIONIST: Hey lady, save your whining for when you're on the air, okay?

CUT TO:

An outside sh*t of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.

Inside, Homer operates on a piece of equipment while listening to the radio.

CUT TO:

The radio station, where Monroe begins his segment.

MONROE: Okay, let's see, next we have Marge.  She's 34 and trapped in a loveless sham of a marriage.

CUT TO:

Homer, turning his attention to the radio.

HOMER: Hey, turn it up.  I love hearing those wackos!

CUT TO:

The radio station and alternating to the Simpsons house.

MONROE: Tell me about your husband, Marge.

MARGE: Well, when we were dating, he was sweeter and more romantic and 40 pounds thinner and he had hair and he ate with utensils.

She starts crying.

MONROE: What was that last thing you said?  Ah.

CUT TO:

The power plant, where Homer is slightly embarrassed.

COWORKER: Hey, isn't that your wife, Homer?

HOMER: Don't be ridiculous.  My wife worships the ground I walk on.

CUT TO:

Back to the conversation.

MONROE: Marge, it's what I call harsh reality time.  Your husband sees you as nothing.

MARGE: Oh.  Okay.  Well, thank you.

MONROE: No, no, no.  Don't hang up.  The pig has made you into his mother.  You are not the hot love object you deserve to be.

MARGE: Really?

MONROE: I'm as sure of it as I'm sure my voice is annoying.  Marge, tonight, the second he comes through that front door, you've got to tell him you're fed up, and if he doesn't start loving, you will be leaving.

CUT TO:

The power plant, where the coworkers are snickering behind Homer's back.

CUT TO;

The conversation.

MARGE: Leave Homer?

MONROE: Please, don't use his real name.

MARGE: Leave Pedro?

CUT TO:

The power plant, where the workers cannot contain themselves and are now completely laughing at Homer.

CUT TO:

The conversation.

MONROE: Can you be that honest, Marge?

MARGE: Yeah. 

MONROE: You'll tell him right when he comes home from work.

MARGE: Yeah.

MONROE: Say it like you mean it.

MARGE: Yeah!

MONROE: Attagirl.

CUT TO:

The plant, where Homer gulps in anxiety.

DISSOLVE TO:

An outside sh*t of the Simpsons house.

Inside, Bart makes prank calls with Lisa and Maggie by his side.

LISA: Aww, come on, Bart.  Not again.

BART: Where's your sense of humor?

Moe picks up.

MOE: Moe's Tavern.

BART: Hello.  Is Al there?

MOE: Al?

BART: Yeah, Al. Last name, Coholic.

MOE: Lemme check.

CUT TO:

The bar, where Moe turns to his drinkers.

MOE: Phone call for Al.  Al Coholic.  Is there an Al Coholic here?

The whole bar laughs at him.

MOE: Wait a minute.  Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass.  If I ever find out who you are, I'll k*ll ya!

CUT TO:

The Simpsons house, where Bart and Lisa laugh in amusement.

CUT TO:

The bar, where it is revealed that Homer sits near Moe.

HOMER: I hope you do find that punk someday, Moe.  Fill 'er up.

MOE: Is everything okay, Homer?  Usually you have a quick one, some peanuts, hunk of beef jerky, pickled eggs, and you're outta here.

HOMER: Let's just say I don't feel like goin' home tonight.  Jar, please.

Moe slides over the jar of pickled eggs and Homer reaches in.

MOE: Hey, you can level with me.  You got a domestic situation?

HOMER: You might say that.  My wife's gonna leave me cause she thinks I'm a pig.

MOE: Homer.

HOMER: What?

MOE: Marge is right.  You are a pig.  You can ask anyone in this bar.

HOMER: What?  Hey, Barney, am I pig?

BARNEY: You're no more of a pig than I am (burps).

HOMER: Oh, no.

MOE: See, you're a pig.  Barney's a pig.  Larry's a pig.  We're all pigs.  Except for one difference.  Once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off and act like human beings.  Homer, buy your wife some flowers and take her out for a night on the town.  Candles, tablecloth, the whole nine yards.

HOMER: Gee, a romantic evening.  Nah, she's too smart to fall for that.

MOE: I'm not done.  After dinner, the two of you are going to check into the fanciest motel in town and not check out until the next morning, if you get my drift.

HOMER: I read you loud and clear.  Heh, heh, heh, heh.

CUT TO:

The Simpsons house, where Bart and Lisa stare at a clock.

LISA: Wow, a quarter past six.  What's keeping Dad?

BART: Yeah, who'd possibly be late on meat loaf night?

CUT TO:

Homer walks into a flower shop and is greeted by the flower seller.

HOMER: Uh, I'd like some flowers.

FLOWER SELLER: What kind of flowers?

HOMER: You know, pretty ones, not d*ad.

FLOWER SELLER: Well, we have some beautiful long stem roses.  They're $55 dollars a dozen.

HOMER: One, please.

CUT TO:

A large grandfather clock tocking away behind Marge in the house.  She growls and stares at the door.

LISA: Hey, Mom.

BART: How about some grub?

She turns around and roars like a monster.  The kids run out, frightened.  Marge turns to face the door again.

FADE TO BLACK

FADE IN:

An outside sh*t of the Simpsons house.  Lightning flashes and it rains heavily.

Inside, the grandfather clock continues ticking away.

Monroe's voice is in her thoughts.

MONROE'S VOICE: Your husband sees you as nothing, as nothing.  The pig has made you into his mother, his mother.  You are not the hot love object you deserve to be, deserve to be, deserve to be.  if he doesn't start loving, leave him, leave him, leave him, leave him.

Various fantasy images of Homer flash through her mind.  Her hands turn into fists.

CUT TO:

Outside the house, where Homer carries the rose in one hand and a chocolate box in the other.  He practices what he will say.

HOMER: Marge, I, uh --- love you.  No, that's not good.  Marge, honey, I love you.  Oh, um, Marge, I love ya, baby.  Marge, sweetie, "hooney", honey, ahh, this will never work.

Marge opens the door for him before he even puts in his key.  She stares angrily, about to pounce when---

Homer holds up the flowers and heart-shaped chocolate box innocently.

HOMER: I love you, Marjorie.

MARGE: Oh, Homer.  I love you too.

The two kiss on the front doorstep.

DISSOLVE TO:

Later, in the kitchen, Bart dials a number on the phone.

BART: A little predinner entertainment.

MOE: Moe's Tavern.

BART: Is Oliver there?

MOE: Who?

BART: Oliver Klozoff?

MOE: Hold on, I'll check.  Oliver Klozoff!  Call for Oliver Klozoff!

The children laugh again.

CUT TO;

Homer and Marge sitting on the couch, Marge inspecting her gifts.

HOMER: And I made reservations at the Chez Paree.

MARGE: But, Homer, it's so expensive.

HOMER: It matters not, mon frere.  And after desserts, we'll adjourn to our second floor room at the Offramp Inn.

MARGE: Oh, Homer, I feel giddy.  Wait, what about a baby-sitter?

HOMER: Oops.

MARGE: Not to worry.

Marge picks up the phone, only to drop right into Bart and Moe's line.

MOE: Listen, ya lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open.

Marge hangs up the phone.

MARGE: Goodness, must be a crossed wire.

She picks up the phone again and dials.

WOMAN ON PHONE: Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Baby-Sitting Service.

MARGE: This is Marge Simpson.  I'd like a baby-sitter for the evening.

CUT TO:

The Babysitter's Office, where several old ladies sit on a couch.

WOMAN: Wait a minute.  The Simpsons...

She looks at a wall which shows the kids on a poster and says "No!  No!  No!"

WOMAN: Lady, you've gotta be kidding!

She hangs up the phone.  It rings again.

WOMAN: Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Baby-Sitting Service.

HOMER: Hello, this is Mister S...Sampson.

WOMAN: Did your wife just call a second ago?

HOMER: No, I said Sampson, not Simpson.

WOMAN: Thank God!  Those Simpsons, what a bunch of savages!  Especially that big ape father.

HOMER: Doh!  Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours, and we've found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family.

CUT TO:

Lisa staring at Marge as she prepares her hair.

LISA: Mom, you look so glamorous.

MARGE: Well, tonight is a very special night.  Your father is taking me out for dinner and dancing.

LISA: Dad dances?

MARGE: Like an angel.

CUT TO;

Bart in the bathroom with Homer.

HOMER: (singing) Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba...

BART: Work that body, Homer.

HOMER: You know, one day you'll learn to move like your old man.

BART: Not if I can help it.

Homer applies shaving cream.

HOMER: Son, there's not a woman alive who can resist a man who knows how to mambo.

BART: You don't have a clue, do you, Dad?

HOMER: Out, boy.

Homer throws some cream at him.

HOMER: Out!

BART: What a grump.

Bart leaves and Homer shaves.   He feels his face.

HOMER: Smooth as a baby's behind.  Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba...

CUT TO;

Marge continues preparing in her room as the doorbell rings.

MARGE: Precious, I think I hear the doorbell.

HOMER: I think you're right, dumplin'.  Bart!!!  Get the door!

BART: Aye, aye, mambo man.

Bart slides down the central staircase and opens the door.  He gulps, along with Lisa.  The babysitter is scary, with greenish hair and a menacing look.

Homer and Marge come down, dressed.

HOMER: Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.

MARGE: You must be the baby sitter.

MISS BOTZ: Yes, I am Miss Botz.

HOMER: Well, just don't stand there, boy.  Help Miss Botz with her suitcases.

MISS BOTZ: I can handle my own luggage.

MARGE: Thank you for coming on such short notice, Miss Botz.  Here are the phone numbers of the restaurant where we'll be dining and the motel where we'll be spending the night.  You'll have to put Maggie to bed now, but Bart and Lisa can stay up for another hour.  Until then, they can watch a tape from our video library.

LISA: Oh, boy!  The Happy Little Elves Meet the Curious Bear Cub.

BART: Oh, the Elves.  The Elves!

HOMER: Bye, kids!  Watch out for the boy.

Marge kisses each child.

MARGE: Bye now.  Be good.  Gotta go.

Homer continues singing as he and Marge leave.

MISS BOTZ: Come children, let's go watch the Happy Little Elves.

BART: Look, lady, we've seen the crappy Little Elves about 14 billion times.   Maybe we can watch some real TV.

MISS BOTZ:  I said we're gonna watch the tape.

BART: Aw...that's merely suggested viewing matter, lady.  Mom lets us watch whatever the hell we want.

MISS BOTZ: I said you're gonna watch this tape.  And you're gonna do what I say, or I'm gonna do something to you.

She shoves the tape into his chest.

MISS BOTZ: And I don't know what that is, because everybody has always done what I say.

Bart backs up and loads the tape into the VCR.

CUT TO:

Homer states at the container of lobsters at the restaurant.

HOMER: They all look so tasty, but I think I'll eat this one right there.

He points to a d*ad lobster.

WAITER: Why don't you pick one that's a little more frisky, sir?

HOMER: Why?

WAITER: Well, when you choose one that's floating upside down, it somewhat defeats the purpose of selecting a live lobster.

HOMER: Oh, okay.  Then I'll take the one right there with the beady eyes.

WAITER: Excellent choice, sir.  May I lead you to your table?

HOMER: Oui, oui.  After you.  (to lobster) And I'll be seeing you later.

CUT TO:

The children's movie, where a bunch of elves jump around in a big pot of honey, crying "Help.  Help!"

ELF: Faster, faster!  We gotta save Bubbles.

BART: Oh, man, I can't take it anymore.

LISA: But I wanna see what happens.

BART: You know what happens.  They find Captain Kook's treasure.  All the elves dance around like idiots.  I puke.  The end.

LISA: Bart, you're just like Chilly, the elf who cannot love.

BART: Now for some real TV.

Bart switches the channel and the sounds of g*n and screaming are heard.

BART: All right...America's Most Armed and Dangerous!

LISA: Oh, no, Bart.  We'll have nightmares!

BART: Relax, this is cinema verite.  When the brutal, slow motion k*lling starts, I'll tell you to shut your eyes.

TV HOST: The Cue Ball k*ller should be considered extremely armed and dangerous.  If you've think you've seen him, call 1-800-U-SQUEAL.

CUT TO:

Marge and Homer drinking wine.

MARGE: Homer, you look just like a little boy.

HOMER: Cause I'm so carefree?

MARGE: No, because you're wearing a bib.

The two laugh.

HOMER: More champagne?

He leans over the bottle but there is only a few drops left.

HOMER: Whoops.  Time for a fillup.  Garcon!  Another bottle of your second least-expensive champagne.

CUT TO:

Bart and Lisa continue to watch the program in the living room.

TV HOST: The defenseless youngsters were tied up and gagged in the living room while the bandit roamed through the house at will, stealing the valuable objects it took the family a lifetime to shop for.

CUT TO:

A band plays on a small stage at the restaurant.  Homer and Marge dance on the main floor.

HOMER: You know Marge, this is just like when we were dating.

MARGE: Except for one thing - no chaperone.

HOMER: Ho-ho-ho.

CUT TO:

Back to Bart and Lisa, fear appearing on their faces.

TV HOST: The Baby-sitter Bandit has left a trail of he daring nighttime robberies across the continental United States.  She could be lurking anywhere, about to descend upon another house full of unsuspecting dupes.

Bart and Lisa hold each other, cowering in fear.

TV HOST: In a moment, we will show you a picture of the real Babysitter Bandit, Miss Lucille Botzcowski.  Remember, she may be using a clever alias...

LISA: Botz!

TV HOST: ...and should be considered armed and dangerous!

Bart and Lisa scream.  Miss Botz steps into the room with an evil grin and a rope in both hands.

Bart and Lisa continue to scream.  Lightning flashes outside.

FADE TO BLACK

FADE IN:

Bart and Lisa continue screaming in fear.

BART: Run for it!

Bart runs off into the basement and Lisa into the kitchen.  She skids past the phone and picks it up.

LISA: 1-800-U-SNITCH.  No, U SQUEAL.

She dials but the signal is busy.

LISA: Oh no!

CUT TO:

Homer and Marge drive home in the car, Homer's hand around her.

HOMER: Don't forget to tell me when you see the Offramp.

MARGE: Oh, there it---

They go past it.

MARGE: ---went.

HOMER: No problemo.  We'll just get off at the next exit.

They drive past a sign that says "Next Exit 34 Miles"

CUT TO:

Miss Botz making her way down the steps into the dark basement.  Bart hides the staircase, holding himself.

MISS BOTZ: Bart.  Bart.  Bart.  Bart.  Hmm...time to brush your teeth, wash your face, and say your prayers?  Are you in...here?

She opens a closet door and only discovers several jars.

MISS BOTZ: Oh, homemade pickled beets.

BART (silent): Go ahead, take them all.

Bart sits above the closet, a  bowling ball in his hand.  He reaches out --- and is sent plunging down into the floor.

BART: Seeing as no one was hurt, I think it would be really silly to dwell on this.

CUT TO:

Lisa in the kitchen, holding the phone and hiding under the table.

LISA: Come on!  Come on!  Finally!

ANSWERER: Hello, vigilant viewer.

Lisa begins being dragged backwards.

ANSWERER: You have reached America's Most Armed and Dangerous.

LISA: I'm calling to report the Baby Sitter Bandit.  She's in our house right now!

Miss Botz drags the phone cord towards her.  Lisa looks back and gasps.

CUT TO:

Homer and Marge enter their hotel room.

HOMER: Come on, Marge.  Let me carry you over the threshold.

MARGE: Okay, but watch out.  Don't slam my head like last time.

HOMER: Sheesh, eleven years ago, and you've never forgotten it.

MARGE: Don't muss my hair.

Homer struggles holding on to her.  He turns on the lights tries to walk through.  He trips on something and throws Marge straight into the bed.  Homer holds his leg in agony.

MARGE: Whee, this is fun!

CUT TO:

Miss Botz carrying a tied-up Lisa into the television room.  Bart sits on the couch.

BART: We know who you are, Miss Botz.  Or should I say Miss Botzcowski?  You're the Baby Sitter Bandit.

MISS BOTZ: You're a smart, young man, Bart.  I hope you're smart enough to keep your mouth shut.

LISA: He isn't.

Miss Botz disconnects the phone.

BART: You're crazy if you think you're gonna get away with this, lady.  You can't---

Miss Botz puts tape over Bart's mouth.

MISS BOTZ: I'm really not a bad person.  Here.  While I finish up, you guys can watch the rest of your favorite videocassette.

Bart tries to shout through the tape.

LISA: Quiet, Bart!  Let's make the best of this.

CUT TO:

Marge adjusting Homer's pillow as he lies in bed.

MARGE: Maybe I'll go slip into something a little more comfortable.

HOMER: Oooh.  Your blue thing with the things?

MARGE: You'll see.

HOMER: Well, shake a leg, mama.

CUT TO:

Maggie walking up in her crib to some thumping sounds.  She masterfully climbs out and makes her way out of the room.  Miss Botz stands, dumping valuables into her suitcase from the Simpson's closet.

MISS BOTZ: Kid stuff.  Hardly worth it.  Lotta junk.  Soileds.  Stupid Sampsons.

Maggie crawls behind her and makes her way down the staircase.  She falls on the last step, but picks herself up and finds Bart and Lisa.

LISA: Maggie!  Maggie!  Come here!

But Maggie is too drawn to the elves on television to help.

ELVES: Good-bye.  Good bye, everybody.  Bye, yay!

Maggie picks up the remote and plays with it.

LISA: Maggie, wanna watch the Happy Little Elves again?

Maggie nods.

LISA: Okay, but you have to untie me first.

Maggie climbs up onto the couch.

CUT TO:

Homer lies in bed.

MARGE (seductively): Oh, Homer...

She steps out of the bathroom in a beautiful dress.

HOMER: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho...

CUT TO:

Miss Botz continues to dump valuables into her suitcase, now from a drawer.

Maggie crawls into the room.

MISS BOTZ: Aww, so you got out of your crib.  I guess you need to be tied up too.  Maggie, where are you?

Miss Botz steps out into the hallway but it is empty.  All the doors are closed.

MISS BOTZ: Maggie!  Maggie!

She hears the sounds of a sucking pacifier and barges into the door.  A clunk is heard and she falls.  The lights in the room go up, revealing Bart with a baseball bat.  He sucks on a pacifier.

CUT TO:

Homer and Marge lie together in bed.

MARGE: Homer, would it spoil the mood if I called home, you know, just to check on the kids?

But Homer is already asleep.  She dials.

CUT TO:

Bart, Lisa, and Maggie escape through a window and make their way down to the backyard.

CUT TO:

Back to the hotel.  The phone continues ringing.

MARGE: Homer, wake up.  There's no answer at home.

HOMER: So?

MARGE: So I'm worried.  I think we should go home.

HOMER: Hmm, all right.  I suppose my work here is done.  Heh, heh, heh.

CUT TO:

Lisa stands holding a phone inside a booth.

ANSWERER: Hello, vigilant viewer.  How may be help you?

LISA: We caught her!  We caught the Baby Sitter Bandit.  She's tied up at our house right now.

BART: Ask if there' s a reward.

LISA: Is there a reward?  ...If she's convicted, we get T-shirts!

BART: Yeah!

CUT TO:

Homer and Marge driving up to the house.

MARGE:  How come all the lights are on?

HOMER: I don't like the look of this.

They walk in.

MARGE: Miss Botz.

HOMER: Miss Botz!

They find her tied up on the floor, facing the TV, which plays the Little Elves.

HOMER: Good Lord.  What have those little hellions done now?  We're so sorry, we're so sorry.

The two begin untying her.  Homer takes off the tape off her mouth.

MISS BOTZ: Please turn off the TV.

CUT TO:

Homer carries the two suitcases as Miss Botz makes her way to the car.

MARGE: I can't tell you how chagrined we are about all of this.

HOMER: Oh, these things are heavy.

Homer loads the cases into Botz's car.

HOMER: Just so there's no hard feelings, here's double your pay.  No, triple.

MISS BOTZ: Thank you.  Mr. Sampson, can I give you a bit of advice?

HOMER: Sure.

MISS BOTZ: Don't turn your back on that boy for a second.

HOMER: Ain't that the truth?  You know, one time he---

A siren is heard and Miss Botz races away.  A second later, dozens of cars show up, blocking the house.  Bart pops out.

BART: This way to the scene of the crime, men!  I got her tied up in the den.

HOMER: Just a minute, young man.  I don't know what kind of shenanigans you've been pulling this time, but I just had to untie your babysitter and pay her off so that---.

REPORTER: Excuse me, sir.  Are you saying to the world that just aided and abetted the escape of the notorious Baby Sitter Bandit?

HOMER:  The what?

REPORTER 2: The Baby Sitter Bandit!

HOMER: Oh...uh..are you sure this microphone works?  Uh, well, I wouldn't say I aided her.  This is on, right?  Because actually, it was quite a struggle.

BART: Oh, Homer!

HOMER: Have you ever seen a kung fu movie?  It was just like that.  But now I know her moves.  So if you're listening to me, lady, you'd better think long and hard before trying something like this on Homer Simpson again!

CUT TO:

Homer and Marge in bed, watching Homer give the interview on the TV.  Homer turns it off.

HOMER: Lord, help me, I'm just not that bright.

MARGE: Oh, Homer, don't say that.  The way I see it, if you raise three children who can knock out and hogtie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.

HOMER: Yeah?  Yeah!

The two kiss.

HOMER: Honey, can we make up again?

MARGE: Oh, my goodness.

FADE TO BLACK

CREDITS BEGIN

THE END
{"type": "series", "show": "The Simpsons", "episode": "01x13 - Some Enchanted Evening"}