Lola: Blake Downs never lost faith in the one thing that mattered most... the healing power of laughter.

His death was a surprise to us all, except officer Briggs.

So until the day comes that a new doctor made up like a clown appears in our lives...

Blake, it will be challenging to forget you.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

5.01 - A New Hope

Sy: Now, I have two pieces of news.

I have good news, I have bad news, and the first is, this hospital has got termites.

Owen: What's the bad news?

Sy: That was the bad news.

Owen: Not to me, not by a long sh*t.

Let's just keep in mind that termites are just doing their thing, trying to make it on this big ol' ball of dirt like everybody else.

Sy: We're gonna have to evacuate the hospital for 14 weeks while they fill it with termite poison.

Sy: But I have secured us a lucrative contract with the U.S. Defense Department, and we are going to oversee the opening of a brand-new clinic on a U.S. army base in Japan.

Owen: No.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Not going to Japan!

Dori: That is so complicated!

Glenn: We're joining the army?

Owen: I don't like anime.

Sy: No, we're not joining the army. We are private contractors.

Owen: I think I'll stay here with the termites, thank you.

Sy: You can't stay here with the termites.

They're gonna fill the hospital with poison.

Owen: I don't have a problem with termite poison.

Let's keep in mind that termite poison is just doing its thing, trying to make it on this crazy ball of dirt, just like everybody else.

Sy: Just be on the plane.

Dori: Too bad Blake is missing this.

Cat: Yeah, he loved termite poison.

Dori: I meant Japan. Blake hated Brazil.

Glenn: Which, of course, as we all know, is... where this hospital is... Brazil.

Blake: [ Gasps ]

[ Grunts ]

Childrens: Hello, Blake.

I'm Arthur Childrens.

We're all glad you're out of what we're calling a coma.

You were s*ab many times and then sh*t.

And now you suffer from total amnesia.

This video will catch you up, but don't h*t any keys while it plays.

[ Beeps ]

Your name is Blake Edward Downs.

You are a pediatric surgeon at Childrens Hospital, Sao Paulo, Brazil.

You are a male.

You have a large penis, but tiny testicles.

You are of the clown species...

Genus: City clown.

Race: blue and red.

Frankly, you are not well-liked.

But you have always been very special to us, Blake.

Very special.

Hey.

A guy can't sit on the toilet for 10 minutes, enjoying a snack?

You weren't supposed to leave the room.

You can't know about all this.

I'm sorry, buddy.

Blake: Huh?

[ Alarm blaring ]

Woman: Unit failure.

[ Grunts ]

Aah!

Oh, geez.

Sal: Attention staff... welcome to Japan, which is where we are right now.

That is all.

Owen: I can't believe we're in Japan.

Cat: You guys, this is my first trip to Asia.

Glenn: I didn't know they had sick children in Japan.

Sy: Where is that army captain to show us around?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Greetings, private contractors!

I'm Captain Tripper, and you all are 31 seconds late!

And that makes me mad.

Pulling out of Afghanistan mad.

Now all y'all follow me.

I clock a masculine pace. Try to keep up.

Cat: Out of my way!

If there's one thing soldiers hate, it's private contractors, especially ones that are bespectacled, naturally large-breasted, or jewish!

But as long as you are on this base, you will conduct yourselves in a manner that is befitting the U.S. military!

Body-cavity searches at 0630.

You're doctors, so I don't have to tell you how we get in there, but it will be the butt hole.

If you have Playboys or Joni Mitchell cassettes stored up in there, I suggest you get them out now!

Now join me in the painful-vaccination room.

Owen: Thanks for being jewish and bespectacled, guys.

Glenn: Hey, he was referring to you when he said naturally large-breasted.

Owen: I'm on my period, Glenn.

Glenn: Stop it!

Owen: You stop it!

Glenn: You do not h*t...

Cat: Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

[ Roaring ]

Fight!

Sy: Sir, I am so sorry, but my team is not generally like this.

Sy...

Yeah?

What do you know about the Japanese?

Sy: Uh, they squat when they smoke. They have no calf definition.

They speak another language.

And they always b*at us in our annual charity sumo-wrestling match against the Japanese army.

Sy: I did not know that fact.

Until now.

Cat: Fight! Fight!

But not anymore.

[ Gas hissing ]

Ah!

Ah.

Looks like I need to take some more speed.

Blake: [ Gasps ]

Woman: Clone unit 26 now online.

Hi.

Childrens: Your father was a migrant bean farmer.

Your mother, an obese...

...the cold w*r? Ay-ay-ay...

In San Francisco, women b*rned their undergarments...

The Bee Gees's "Night Fever" was the number 2 h*t, beaten out, ironically, by brother Andy Gibb's "Shadow Dancing."

The end.

Okay.

Childrens: But let's go over your bank-account numbers and Internet passwords one more time.

All right, let's get rambling.

Blake: [ Gasps ]

Unh!

[ Alarm blaring ]

Woman: Unit failure.

Sal: Attention staff... sumo practice begins on the quad at 0500.

That is the first time I've ever said anything like that.

h*t the showers, men!

Sal: That is all.

You're off the team.

Now, who is it gonna be?

Oh, I know.

The fat one.

Cat: I'm puffy from the flight.

Not you, Joan Baez.

You.

Chet: Cool.

Let's limber up.

[ Beeping ]

Blake: [ Gasps ]

Woman: Clone unit 27 now online.

You ready?

Let me help you there.

You're a little weak.

Hold on.

You're kind of caught up here.

Listen, I know you're weak. You got to help me out here.

You got to help me, buddy.

Noooooo!

[ Defibrillator discharges ]

[ Flatline ]

[ Alarm blaring ]

Woman: Unit failure.

Childrens: Your father was a migrant bean farmer, your mother...

No, no, Derek, it's fine.

We have plenty.

It's okay. Trust me.

We ran into a few snags, but now we're all systems go.

[ Defibrillator discharges ]

Yeah.

Tru... [ Alarm blaring ]

Woman: Unit failure.

[ Grunting ]

Blake: [ Gasps ]

All right, Sleeping Beauty.

You got to stand right here for a second.

You good?

I'm gonna get rid of all this dangerous stuff so we don't have a repeat.

Aah! Dude!

What are you doing?!

No!

What... what is wrong with you?!

Right up those stairs and go be a doctor, all right?

He's on his way up to the hospital level.

What?! Termite poison?!

[ Alarm blaring ]

Woman: Unit failure.

[ Beeping ]

Blake: [ Gasps ]

Careful. This way.

All right.

Here's your plane ticket.

You'll be in Japan soon, and you can catch up with all your friends.

Blake: [ Breathes deeply ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Indistinct shouting ]

[ Crowd groaning ]

Damn it!

Who's next?!

Put your hand down!

Blake: I'll be next.

What you doing?

A little... a little sumo action?

Wakuda!

Wakuda?

That's right!

You doughy-calved bitches forfeit!

We got a Wakuda!

See, your friend over here, he looks like a Kabuki Demon character that scares the hell out of Japanese soldiers!

Blake: [ Laughing ] Well, how about that?

You guys won me over.

You know, I was gonna ride your ass the whole time you were here, but now I'm just gonna let you do your thing.

In fact, you're probably never gonna see me again.

Cat: Oh. Hi, Blake.

Glenn: Took a while for them to wake another one this time.

Cat: Shh, shh, shh!

Blake: What... what do you... mean "another one"?

What, is...

What, is there like, uh... there, like, more of me or something?

Sy: Good going, Glenn.

Blake: Aah!

Sy: You're gonna pay for that, Glenn.

Clones cost money!

Glenn: You know, b*ll*ts cost money, too.

Cat: Money doesn't grow on trees.

Chet: Money and bitches, right, guys?

Yes, I do have an Ace.

There you go.

"I love playing cards with you, Terry.

You're my best friend."

[ Alarm blaring ]

Woman: Unit failure.

Blake: [ Gasps ]

[ Philadelphia Grand Jury's "Ready to Roll" plays ]

♪ You ♪

♪ I just want you to know ♪

♪ that I ♪

♪ am about to get my game on ♪

♪ I'm not like the other brothers ♪

♪ I'm not like the other brothers ♪

♪ I'm not like the other brothers ♪

♪ I'm not like the other brothers ♪

♪ but I'm ready to roll ♪

Sal: Attention staff...

I wrote some airplane-food jokes on the flight over here, and, boy, are my arms tired... from writing so many airplane-food jokes.

That is all.
{"type": "series", "show": "Childrens Hospital", "episode": "05x01 - A New Hope"}