Jason: Good morning.

Maggie: Morning, Jason.I just got my first fan letter from my column.

Jason: Good.That's wonderful.What's it say?

Maggie: Dear Miss Malone, I've never really given much thought to kitty litter, but your recent article opened my eyes.

Now I swear by "Tabby Fresh." Perhaps one day I'll get a ...... cat.

Jason: Nice.

Ben: Morning.

Maggie: Morning.

Ben: Um, dad, I don't want you to be mad, but I can't find my history book.

Jason: Why would I be mad?I'm not the one who has to go to class without a book, Ben.I'm not the one who has to take a test unprepared.

Ben: No, but you're the one who has to cough up 25 bucks to replace it.

Ben: You're right, dad, it's time for a tough love lesson.I'm gonna drop out of fifth period.I can always sell "Mary Kay." I've got good skin.

Maggie: Enough, Ben.Jason, give him twenty-five dollars.

Jason: (groaning) I've only got two twenties here.

Ben: You're a prince.

Mike: Hello!Ah, scrambled, please.

Jason: Hey, Mike, did it ever occur to you that your mother is not just some domestic drudge?

Mike: No.Uh, dad, listen, I'm having a little problem with one of my college classes.

Jason: Attending:

Mike: No, no, dad.I just can't seem to find my sociology book.

Jason: And you're probably gonna have to sell "Mary Kay" if I don't come up with 25 bucks to replace it.

Mike: No, it was "Thigh-masters." Ah, but dad, actually it was thirty-five dollars.

Maggie: Mike, Ben just took your father's last forty dollars for his lost history book.

Mike: (laughing) That little leach!

Maggie: Well, I hope you can eat Mike's eggs, too.

Jason: Sorry.

Maggie: (screaming)

Jason: Okay, I'll try.

Maggie: Debbie Teighart won the Pulitzer Prize for journalism?

Jason: Debbie who?

Maggie: My old college roommate.

Jason: Somebody you know won the Pulitzer?That's great.

Maggie: Oh, yeah.Just the kind of good news you want to start your day.

Jason: Friend of yours wins the Pulitzer, and you puree the paper?

Maggie: Jason, don't you remember Debbie Teighart?The one who made my life a living hell for four years?

Jason: Doesn't ring a bell.

Maggie: Debbie "if he's breathing, I'll jump him" Teighart?

Jason: Oh, ho, ho, yeah!Yeah!Short, short brunette, shag haircut?

Maggie: I knew it!

Jason: I always said "no."

Chrissy: Hi!

Maggie: ....in a canopy bed.

Chrissy: Don't get mad, but I lost my spelling book.

Jason: Would this by any chance cost, ooooh, say, thirty-five dollars to replace?

Chrissy: Oh-oh!

Jason: Give it up, Mike!

Mike: I had to try!

Maggie: Oh, Jason, life is funny.Here Debbie Teighart is picking up a Pulitzer, and I'm picking up....soggy Cheeri-O's.

Jason: Oh, you're also overreacting, Maggie.You are not just a person who does menial chores all day.Missed a spot!

(laughing) You're a great housewife, Maggie, but you're also a damn fine journalist.

Maggie: Oh, sure.Here Debbie's writing about acid rain, and I'm writing about...well, I'll just say it....kitty doo-doo.

Jason: Yeah, but you wrote the hell out of that.

She was probably sleeping with the judges!You think I'm being petty, don't you?

Jason: No, no, no, no, no.

Maggie: You're right, I am.You know, maybe Debbie's turned herself into a real journalist.

You know, I'm a big enough person.I'm going to call and congratulate her.

Jason: That's better.

Maggie: (on phone) Yes, Debbie Teighart in features, please.Yes, this is an old friend of hers, Maggie Malone, from the "Long Island Sentinal."

Yes, seriously.She can return my call in August!Well, uh, yes, yes!I would like to leave a message(blender noises).

Ben: Okay, let's go over this again.You're in the park, you see the babe.What do you say?

Ben: My "studdly" brother, Ben.

Chrissy: And then I get the ice cream?

Mike: Tell you what; I'll get you some ice cream, and you don't have to do anything.

Chrissy: Great!I'll go get my coat.You find your own babes!

Ben: Hey!What are you doing?

Ben: So?I got there first.

Mike: Listen, Junior.I perfected that scam while you were still saying "Pisketti."

Chrissy: Can I get Rocky Road?

Mike: Absolutely!And remember, Chrissy; who do we ask for when we need a babysitter this Saturday night?

Chrissy: My studdly brother, Ben.

Ben: What's all that stuff?

Maggie: Ah, some of my old college papers.

Ben: An award?Mom, why isn't this on the wall?

Maggie: Oh, it's just a little award.But, I did b*at out students from fifty schools, including Harvard and Yale.

Ben: Wow!1969!This thing's an antique!Hey, what's that?

Maggie: A list of goals I made when I was twenty (laughing).

Ben: Become the first woman w*r correspondent, learn Swahili, have a novel published by age thirty-five.

I can't believe you actually did all these things.Way to go, mom!

Ben: Oh, come on.I mean, you did a lot of things here.I mean, how many people have actually, um, umm, ....learned to drive a stick-shift?

Jason: Either I'm hugging a pillow, or we've got to join a gym.Oh, Maggie, not that old list again!

Maggie: Can you believe I never toured the Soviet Union?

Maggie: Fallen nations don't count.It was a goal.

Jason: Boy, this Debbie Teighart thing has really gotten to you, hasn't it?

Maggie: Oh, not at all.I could care less that Debbie "vacuum lips" Teighart lucked into a stinking Pulitzer.

Jason: Well, I'm glad to see it's out of your system.

Maggie: Jason, this may have started out with Debbie, but now it's about me, my failed goals.I bet you accomplished everything on your list.

Jason: Well....Maggie....Come on, I've had my share of pain and disappointment.

Maggie: What?You never got to meet Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass?

Jason: I met the brass.

Maggie: Thank you.That makes me feel so much better.

Jason: Oh!You've had a lot of success, Maggie.You worked at Newsweek, and Channel 19.

Maggie: That doesn't count.I quit both of them.

Jason: Yes, but you made a decision to do that, because you wanted to spend more time with your family, and to write that book of yours....

which I know you're going to get around to some day.

Maggie: Jason, Don't you see this letter made by a woman was green.What's afraid the test herself?

Now, I know exactly when I got off track it was 1972.Do you remember that year?

Jason: Not specifically.

Maggie: I was covering the election in South Dakota, and I had the chance to follow George McGovern into a helicopter and get an exclusive interview.

Jason: I don't remember that interview.

Maggie: Because I didn't get the interview.I was too scared to get into the chopper.I've been living in the comfort zone ever since.

Jason: Oh, come on, Maggie.You've done all kinds of uncomfortable things.

Maggie: Such as?

Jason: Such as; you got tear-gassed when you protested against Apartheid, you gave birth, you saw Mike in "Streetcar Named Desire."

Maggie: Face it, Jason, I'm a quitter.

Jason: You're not, Maggie.You're still a young woman.You got all kinds of time to do whatever you want.

Maggie: Not if I put it off for one more day.Jason, I'm gonna master the things on this list!

Jason: Okay

Maggie: Starting with number six!

Jason: Number six.

Maggie: Rappel down a mountain!

Jason: Oh, no.

Maggie: But I need to challenge myself.

Jason: All right, yeah.Well then, try number eighteen; learn to play the sitar.All the challenge of rock climbing, and a much higher survival rate.

Maggie: Jason, I don't want to spend the rest of my life hiding from the things that frighten me.

Jason: Okay, fine, fine.But rappelling down a mountain, Maggie?Come on, you can't be serious.

Jason: Okay, you're serious, but do I have to go with you?

Kent: Ah, now see, this double figure-eight, Mag, this is, this is great.I mean, you can an elephant with that.Look!

Jason: (yelling) Oh!Hold on.

Kent: You've been practicing, haven't you.

Maggie: Oh, a little bit.

Jason: A little?Every night this week, she's tied something up.Wipe that smirk off your face.

Mike: Oh, whoa, uh, I guess today's the big day, huh?

Maggie: Yeah, you bet!Today we conquer a sheer rock face, and see what we're made of.

Jason: As long as what we're made up doesn't end up spread all over the sheer rock face.

Ben: So, um, you guys are gonna be gone all day, and won't be back'til tomorrow, right?

Jason: Well, it could last through to Monday, if 'yer maw' decides to bag herself a 'bar.'

Kent: Okay, let's get the gear loaded.

Maggie: Okay, goodbye boys.Take good care of each other.

Ben: Okay, I'll see you guys later.Be careful.Have fun, be safe.

Maggie: We will.

Jason: Make sure Chrissy goes to college.

Mike: Oh, dad.

Ben: All right, we'll miss ya!

Maggie: Oh!Come on, Jason, keep up.Oh, it's so exhilarating in this fresh, crisp air.

Jason: I have a rock in my shoe.

Maggie: Oh, what a perfect day to conquer your fears.Take a deep breath and step off the edge of the world.

Kent: (laughing) Well, here we are.

Jason: Well, that doesn't look as bad as I thought.Maggie?Maggie!

Jason: Maggie, you can't keep hugging this mountain all night long.

Maggie: Watch me.Jason, how could you let me talk you into this?

Jason: I-I'm just here for moral support.

Maggie: Stop that!I want physical support!I want an elevator, a ski lift!I'll even get in a helicopter!

Jason: She's panicking.

Kent: Well, if worse comes to worst, I can always pry her off the rock with a crampon.

Jason: Is there anything you could say to assuage her fears?

Kent: Okay.What does "assuage" mean?

Jason: You know what "litigation" means?

Maggie: Jason, don't blame Kent.I thought I could do this.

Kent: Would you like for me to give her my customary pep talk?

Jason: That would be nice.

Kent: Okay.What goes up must come down.

Maggie: Remember that Jason.I want it on my tombstone.

Maggie: Jason, how does that help me win a Pulitzer?

Jason: Good point.You want to leave?

Maggie: Jason, you can't let me quit!

Jason: I thought you wanted to quit.

Maggie: Well, of course I do!Which is exactly why I can't.

Kent: That a-girl.

Maggie: Touch me and you die!

Kent: Okay, this'll be just like we practiced.

Maggie: Okay.

Kent: You want to keep your knees bent.You want to stay focused.Okay?

Maggie: Uh-huh.

Kent: And most of all, relax.

Jason: Just like having a baby.

Maggie: Can I have an epidural?

Kent: Ready?

Maggie: As ready as I'll ever be.

Ken: Okay.I'm gonna lower you down the mountain slowly.Nice & easy.

Maggie: Okay.Honey, I love you.

Jason: I love you, too.

Maggie: Okay.

Jason: You're gonna be fine.

Maggie: All right.

Jason: You're fine.

Maggie: All right

Jason and Maggie: You practiced...oh, yeah...looking good...it's working...that's it...it's working....yes...

Maggie: (laughing)...I'm not gonna die!

Jason: No!

Maggie: (laughing)...This could actually be fun!

Jason: Yeah.

Maggie: Sure!

Ken: Okay.One...two...three!

Jason: Whoa!

Maggie: (laughing)

Jason: Whoa.Supposed to smack into the rock like that?

Jason: Honey, are you all right?

Maggie: I'm fine.How are you?No.I, I, I think I'm stuck.

Jason: She's stuck.She's stuck.You gotta do something.

Ken: Well, her guideline's just tangled in that rock down there.One of us is gonna have to go down there and free it up.

Jason: Good plan.

Ken: And the more experienced one is gonna have to stay here and anchor the rope.

Luke: They're jumping off a mountain?

Mike: Their midlife crisis is my window of opportunity.You see, I rented the house to a film crew today.For five hundred bucks.

And all I had to do was show 'em we had f*re insurance.

Luke: Pretty smooth.

Mike: Yeah, well, uh, how's things in Arizona?Did your dad get that truck stop caf茅?

Luke: Yeah, um, uh, I'm calling from our state-of-the-art kitchen.They got, uh, mobile phones and everything.

Mike: Yeah?Well, how's your dad?

Luke: Oh, he's fine.He just rented a crane to put the world's biggest coffee pot on the roof.

Mike: Well, then that should pull in the tourists.

Luke: Yeah.And if that doesn't, the world's biggest skylight will.I better get out of here before this turns into an outdoor caf茅.I'll call you next week.

Mike: Okay.We miss ya.Bye.

Ben: Hey!

Mike: Hey!Sorry, party dog, but you've been fixed.

Ben: No way!Kenny's bringing a DJ and a bunch of party girls wearing too much make-up.So this place is mine.

Ben: Really?What for?

Mike: Well, it's kind of like a suburbia day-trip for 'em, Ben.

I mean, some of these kids have never even seen a lawn sprinkler, or so much as a refrigerator magnet.

Ben: Wait.You don't care a rat's hat about underprivileged kids.

Mike: Oh, yeah?Well, here!Why don't you tell that to little Alfonso, Manuel and Harvey.

Ben: I wish you'd have told me this last week, before I invited the whole school.Hey!That's Menudo!

I was with you when you bought that wallet.Get ready for some babes in heavy eyeliner.

Maggie: (yelling, screaming)

Jason: We've got you untangled.You can go down now.

Maggie: Wanna bet!

Maggie and Jason: (yelling)

Jason: Maggie, this ought to make up for a lot of anniversaries.

Maggie: Honey, I've been thinking.

Jason: Well, isn't that what got us into this predicament in the first place?Why are there red stains all over those rocks?

Maggie: Oh, Jason!Stop that!I'm counting on you to be the rational one.

Jason: Uh-huh.Hard to be rational when you're dangling like a wind chime, Maggie.

Maggie: (yelling) Jason, check my thinking here.

Jason: Uh-huh.

Maggie: Rappelling is just symbolic.It doesn't make me a better person in and of itself.

Jason: True.

Jason: No argument here.

Maggie: So, honey, please tell me it's okay to forget this and go home.

Jason: Is that what you want me to say, Maggie?

Maggie: Work with me here, Jason.

Jason: It's okay to quit and go home!

Maggie: Did you have to say quit?Couldn't you say "hang in there" or "come to your senses?"

Jason: All right, Maggie.There are two ways out of this situation.Up or down.

Maggie: That's it?

Jason: Well, we could spend our golden years here, but I doubt the kids would visit.

Maggie: Oh, Jason, I don't think that's very funny.

Jason: Maggie, want straight talk, sweetheart?Well, here it is.Okay.

You can either have Kent pull you back up into that comfort zone and be the person you've always been, which is fine.Or you can be tough, Maggie.

You can show this mountain who's boss.You can have an adventure you'll remember 'til your dying day...which isn't for many years.

Maggie: Okay.Okay, Kent.All right.Are you ready?

Kent: (yelling) Go for it!

Maggie: One...two....three!(yelling) Pulitzer this, Debbie Teighart!

Mike: Give it up, Ben.I'm older, more experienced than you are.

Ben: You're rusty and out of practice.

Mike: Well, maybe you should ask yourself this: where's your party?

Ben: Where's your film crew?

Mike: They'll be here.But your party is history.I spread the word that you were having chaperones.

Ben: You're so simple.I knew that, and told everybody the chaperones were 19-year-old au-pairs.

What you don't know is that I called your film crew and rescheduled for Easter.

Mike: Poor, deceived wretch.They know only to take instructions with a codeword.

Ben: Delta Dawn?

Mike: You knew?

Ben: There are other extensions in this house.Hasta la vista, film crew.

Mike: Well, before you gloat, maybe you should check out the front door.I think there's something out there.

Ben: Police lines?Do not cross?

Mike: Read the sign.

Ben: Party is cancelled due to the bubonic plague!

Mike: Hasta la vista, party.

Ben: What'd you go and do that for?C'mon, you've been scamming freely in this house for years!When's it gonna be my turn?

Mike: Hey, you had your turn!When I had my tonsils out.

Ben: I was three!

Mike: You know, Ben, I've been thinking.Was your night as miserable as mine?

Ben: Are you kidding?I watched "Star Search."

Mike: Well, let's face it.I mean, I didn't get my five hundred dollars.You didn't get to have your party.

Ben: So what are you saying?

Mike: Well, I'm saying that if I haven't used a scam for one calendar year, it's all yours.

Ben: Does that include taking dad's car to the airport, and using it as a gypsy cab?

Chrissy: Look who's here!

Ben: Mom, dad, you're alive!

Mike: Hey, guys!

Maggie: Yep!And guess what?I did it!

Mike: All right!Congratulations!I can't believe it!My parents; rappelling.

Maggie: (laughing) Actually, a helicopter came for your father.

Jason: Hey, rapelling wasn't on my list.

Maggie: Well, I feel like a whole new Maggie.There's nothing I can do now.

Jason: Just like you Maggie before they invented bungee jumping.

Maggie: Oh, honey, bungee jumping!What a great idea!I'm gonna go make an appointment for us this week.

Jason: No!No!No!Mag, no.

Maggie: Do you remember last night at the lodge?

Jason: Yes, I do.Your mother and I are going....bungee jumping.

Jason: You guys wanna help me unpack the car?

Chrissy: Daddy, can I jump over Benji, too?

Maggie: (sighing) (writing) The rope was half an inch in diameter, light enough for me to carry on my belt without noticing.

But there I hung; with only that rope between me and death.I saw my husband, my family, my career.

And I realized that I'm one of those lucky women who really does have it all.
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x21 - Maggie's Brilliant Career"}