SWOOSH!

SWOOSH!

(Shout from outside)

The Doctor: Hello there! Ah... Hello!

Young Grant: Hello?

The Doctor: Hello!

Young Grant: What are you doing?

The Doctor: I was setting a trap.

Young Grant: A trap?

The Doctor: On your roof.

Young Grant: What happened?

The Doctor: I tried it out.

Young Grant: How?

The Doctor: Accidentally.

(He sneezes)

The Doctor: Bless you.

Young Grant: Thanks.

The Doctor: What's your name?

Young Grant: Grant.

The Doctor: Hello, Grant. What floor is this?

Young Grant: 60.

The Doctor: Agh! Would it all right if I came in?

Young Grant: I will have to ask my mom.

The Doctor: Ow!

Young Grant: Mom, wake up.

(Grant coughs)

(He gasps)

The Doctor: Oh!

Young Grant: Mom says you can come in. You're expected.

The Doctor: Expected? Ahhh!

(He grunts)

The Doctor: Sorry. Did you say I was expected?

Young Grant: Yeah.

The Doctor: Who did you say I was?

Young Grant: I told her I saw an old guy at the window.

(He sneezes)

The Doctor: Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas, Grant!

Young Grant: Mom and Dad are asleep now. I can get you back on the roof. I know the way.

The Doctor: Shh!

Young Grant: What are you doing?

The Doctor: Take a look at that picture.

Young Grant: Okay.

The Doctor: Now this one. Take a good, long look. It takes a moment to see it.

Young Grant: See what?

The Doctor: Superman and Clark Kent are one and the same person.

Young Grant: Are you serious?

The Doctor: Yeah. Look, I drew specs on Superman.

Young Grant: Everyone knows they're the same person.

The Doctor: Well, Lois Lane doesn't. And she's a reporter.

The Doctor: Why did they call him Spider-Man? Don't they like him?

Young Grant: He was bitten by a radioactive spider, and guess what happened?

The Doctor: Radiation poisoning, I should think.

Young Grant: No, he got special powers.

The Doctor: What, vomiting, hair loss and death? Fat lot of use. Hey! What do you think?

Young Grant: That looks...

The Doctor: I know.

Young Grant: Cheap.

The Doctor: Oh, shut up!

(He sneezes)

The Doctor: Got a cold there, Grant?

Young Grant: I always get a cold at Christmas.

The Doctor: Me too. Or an invasion.

Young Grant: Where did you get that from?

The Doctor: My pocket.

Young Grant: How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket?

The Doctor: Skills. Now, hush. I've got a lot of work to do. Take this.

Young Grant: Who are you?

The Doctor: The Doctor.

Young Grant: Yes, but who are you?

The Doctor: The Doctor.

Young Grant: Which one, though? There's lots of doctors.

The Doctor: THE one. The main one, the original. I started it. They're all based on me. Now everyone who wants to sound clever calls themselves Doctor. Bandwagon!

Young Grant: In a comic book, you know what you'd be called? Doctor Mysterio!

The Doctor: I like that. Doctor Mysterio! I'll have that! Nearly ready.

Young Grant: What is it?

The Doctor: Well, in terms that you would understand... Sorry, there aren't any. It's a...it's a...it's a...it's a time-distortion equaliser thingy.

Young Grant: A what?

The Doctor: There's been a lot of localised disruption here in New York, so... My fault, actually. Hopefully this will make it all calm down.

Young Grant: I don't understand.

The Doctor: Do you know what a lightning conductor is?

Young Grant: Yeah.

The Doctor: Well, it's not like that.

Young Grant: I thought you were setting a trap.

The Doctor: I was. To protect this. I don't want anyone turning it off, or stealing it for a Christmas tree.

Young Grant: But it looks like a Christmas tree.

The Doctor: Of course it does, it's science! Do you want to turn the lights on?

Young Grant: Can I?

The Doctor: Go on. It's Christmas Day.

Young Grant: What do I do?

The Doctor: Ah! Put this into this. And you flick all those little switches on.

Young Grant: Nothing's happening.

The Doctor: Yeah, because now we get to the cool bit. Come here. Do you see that little door there? Pop it open. Now we turn on the lights. Pop the gemstone right in there.

Young Grant: What gemstone?

The Doctor: The gemstone that I gave you - pop it right in there.

Young Grant: (whispers)That was a gemstone?

The Doctor: Well, it's more than a gemstone - it's also like a kind of onboard computer. Come here. Can you see... Can you see that little yellow star at the end of that curve? It comes from near there. Formed in the heart of a red hole and s*ab in pure dwarf star crystal! The gemstone is intuitive - it knows what you want and draws energy from the nearest star to make it happen. There's only four of them left in the universe. The Apocalypse Monks of the Andorax called this one the Hazandra - the Ghost of Love and Wishes. Okay, then. Pop it in.

Young Grant: I thought it was medicine.

The Doctor: What?

Young Grant: It looked like medicine.

The Doctor: What have you done with it?

Young Grant: Well, you gave me medicine and a glass of water, and you said you were a doctor. I thought it was for my cough.

The Doctor: Oh! You swallowed it? You can't go round swallowing things! What age are you, 36?

Young Grant: Eight.

(Sonic screwdriver buzzes)

Young Grant: Am I going to get sick?

The Doctor: No, no, no - quite the opposite!

Young Grant: The opposite? What's the opposite? What happened?

The Doctor: Nothing.

Young Grant: What's wrong with me?

The Doctor: Well, you've got a cough and a slight case of levitation. Stay calm.

Young Grant: What happens if I don't stay calm?

The Doctor: Oh! Don't panic.

Young Grant: What happens if I panic?

(Both scream)

(Screaming fades)

(Baby cries)

Grant: Oh, hey, you're all right! You're okay! Yeah... Ssh-ssh-ssh-ssh!

Grant: Hey, Mrs Lombard. No, don't worry, Jennifer's fine. She just woke up, but I'm going to put her back to sleep. No, it's okay, Mrs Lombard. It's what you pay me for. Okay. Goodnight.

The Doctor (O.C.): Grant, you need to concentrate.

Young Grant (O.C.): What's happened to me?

The Doctor: Intuitive crystal, plus too many comic books. The gemstone is giving you what it thinks you want. You're a superhero...(echos)

Original air date: 25 December, 2016

Mr Brock: Any questions after today can be handled by Miss Shuster or Miss Siegel, who can be contacted on the e-mail addresses provided in your welcome pack. That's all we have time for, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you had a stimulating day, and maybe saw a little of what makes Harmony Shoal the foremost innovator in science and technology the world over. Like we always say - we're here to open your minds.

Lucy: Mr Brock, just one more question. I've been looking into your funding, and you seem to have a lot of benefactors for a research institute.

Brock: The world is changing, Miss Fletcher. Science got sexy.

Lucy: Yeah, but your benefactors - I can't seem to find any of them.

Brock: Very simple reason for that. I k*lled them all, buried them in my back yard.

(Chuckling)

Lucy: How big is your back yard, Mr Brock?

Brock: At the last count, Wyoming.

(Laughter)

Brock: Now, if you good people will excuse me, this young lady will guide you to the exit...

Nardole: Mr Brock? Er, Mr Brock? Mr Brock? Mr Brock.

Brock: Apparently we have one more question.

Nardole: Yes. Where's the little boys' room?

Brock: I think you'll find the restrooms to the left, on your way out.

Nardole: No, not the restrooms, the little boys' room.

Brock: If you successfully locate the restrooms, I think you'll find everything you need in there. Thank you all.

Woman (O.C.): This way, ladies and gentlemen.

Nardole: I don't want a rest. If everyone's just having a rest, I might cause an incident.

Brock: Dr Sim, is there a problem?

Dr Sim: It's the brains. There's something I need to show you. It's necessary.

Brock: Later. Meet me here... at midnight.

Dr Sim: Thank you, sir.

Dr Sim: Mr Brock. You startled me.

Brock: Shall we?

Dr Sim: Of course.

Nardole: All clear!

(Door whooshes open)

(Lights snap on)

Brock: Well?

Dr Sim: Look at them. You see nothing unusual?

Brock: I see brains... every place except here.

Brock: These specimens were donated to this facility by our benefactors, for a top-secret research project. A project which is not to be questioned, impeded, or in fact mentioned by any of the employees of the Harmony Shoal Institute. Even I don't have the clearance to know what's going on in here.

Dr Sim: But why?

Brock: It's not your job to ask questions! Stick to science. Something wrong with your eyes?

Dr Sim: Sir, the first time I came in here, I counted 24 specimens. The second time I counted, there were 30. Now there are 36.

Brock: Well, I guess they've got the space.

Dr Sim: You don't understand. There have been no deliveries. I checked it. Some of these brains, sir, they just... arrived.

The Doctor: (Chomping) It's okay. I'm an intruder too. Yeah, I brought snacks - mark of a pro. Keep listening.

Brock: Looks like a brain to me. Kind of blue, I guess, but that's the fluid, right?

Dr Sim: Yes. That's the fluid. Tap the glass, sir.

Brock: What did you say?

Dr Sim: Tap the glass. Please.

Brock: What...the hell is that? Is that a joke?

Dr Sim: No, sir, it's not a joke.

Brock: It's got eyes! Look at them, they're like... They're like YOUR eyes.

Dr Sim: Yes, sir, they are.

Brock: Dr Sim? What are you pointing at?

Dr Sim: I'm pointing at Dr Sim. Don't look so alarmed - we merely exchanged containers. You might call this a...hijack.

(He groans and gasps)

Brock: What happened to you? I don't understand.

Dr Sim: The same thing that is about to happen to you. I had a change of mind.

Brock: No! No, please, no! Let me out of here! What's happening? What are you doing?

(Lid squeaks)

(Footsteps recede)

The Doctor: Who are you?

Lucy: Lucy Fletcher, reporter, from the Daily Chronicle. Hang on, why am I telling you the truth?

The Doctor: Spooky, isn't it? Looking for a story?

Lucy: I think I just found one.

The Doctor: Brains with minds of their own? No-one will believe that - this is America.

Lucy: Who are YOU?

The Doctor: Special Agent Dan Dangerous from Scotland Yard, Scotland. The Doctor for short. See, they've got institutes all over the world. And always in capital cities.

Lucy: Nope.

The Doctor: Yes, yes, they are, see?

Nardole: New York's not a capital city, is it?

The Doctor: You don't need to point out the mistakes. That's not what you're for.

Nardole: Washington's got its own one.

(Lights snap on)

Dr Sim: I would call Security, but they might leave you alive. I do not want any awkward questions about intruders I was forced to sh**t for my own protection.

The Doctor: Good plan. Here's another one! Go on. Tell them you sh*t us in the back in self-defence. We'll be laughing all the way to the slab.

(Thudding)

Dr Sim: Face me.

The Doctor: Maybe not.

Dr Sim: Face me now.

(Thudding)

Dr Sim: What is that?

Nardole: It's not me.

Lucy: It sounds like...

(Thudding)

The Doctor: Like someone knocking at a window.

Lucy: We're on the 100th floor.

(Thudding continues)

Lucy: Oh, my God, he's real.

The Doctor: Who's real?

Lucy: The Ghost.

The Doctor: Who's the Ghost?

Lucy: Masked vigilante. But he's...

The Doctor: What?

Lucy: Super.

(He snaps his fingers)

The Ghost: Mind if I come in?

Dr Sim: Impressive. Those windows, like everything in this building, are built to withstand a blast equivalent to four nuclear expl*si*n.

The Ghost: Sorry about that. Would you like me to call a glazier?

Dr Sim: Hmm.

(b*ll*ts ricochet)

(g*n clicks)

The Ghost: Please understand, it's against my personal code to cause lasting harm to any individual.

(He groans)

The Ghost: However, light to moderate injury is fine.

Nardole: That's good!

The Ghost: Hello. Was that man annoying you?

Lucy: You're real. I can't believe it, you're actually real.

The Ghost: I'm afraid I am. I enjoy your column, Miss Fletcher.

Lucy: You read my column? You read? You're real and you read?

The Ghost: Though I find the political bias in your paper's editorial not entirely to my taste.

Lucy: I'll pass that on.

The Ghost: Thank you. Who are these gentlemen?

Lucy: They're, um... I don't actually know.

The Doctor: This is my friend, Nardole.

Nardole: Hello, the Ghost!

The Doctor: And I'm the Doctor.

The Ghost: The Doctor. I thought we had lots of doctors.

The Doctor: I'm the main one.

The Ghost: Can I give you a ride home?

Lucy: You have a car?

The Ghost: No.

(She gasps)

The Ghost: I hope you're okay with heights.

Lucy: I'm okay so far!

The Ghost: Have a good evening, gentlemen.

(She screams)

Nardole: He...seems nice!

The Doctor: Grant...

Young Grant: So I'm a superhero now?

The Doctor: Once the gemstone is gone from inside you, you'll be back to normal. It will pass.

Young Grant: But how will it get out?

The Doctor: Like I said, it will pass. Looking forward to that.

Young Grant: Are you sure?

The Doctor: Of course I'm not sure. Nothing's ever sure. Just promise me one thing - for as long as you have these powers, you will never, ever use them.

Young Grant: Sure.

The Ghost: Is this the right building? They all look the same from up there.

Lucy: Yeah, yeah, this is me, thanks.

The Ghost: Well, I certainly hope this unpleasant experience hasn't put you off a career in journalism.

Lucy: Oh, no, no, no. Not at all.

(Beeping)

The Ghost: Sorry. Duty calls.

Lucy: Look at that. The Bat-Signal's an app now? What is it? Bank robbery? Hijack?

The Ghost: Uh...something like that. Excuse me!

Lucy: Go get 'em!

(Baby cries)

The Doctor: With great power comes great responsibility.

(He sighs)

The Doctor: No man worthy of the title leaves a baby alone.

Grant: How did you find me?

The Doctor: I tracked the gemstone inside you. Your powers, they don't belong in this world. They're an anomaly. You promised me you'd never use them.

Grant: May I take her?

The Doctor: She's yours?

Grant: I'm hers. I'm her nanny.

The Doctor: You're her nanny?

Grant: Yeah, her nanny. You got a problem with that?

The Doctor: No, no, it's just... Okay, so you are a superhero and a nanny.

Grant: You've got to make a buck somehow. You don't get paid for saving people.

Nardole: You don't have to tell us. Here you go, nice and warm. And tasty! Ooh, elephant!

Grant: It's fine. It's a long-range baby-monitor. I can get back to this apartment quicker than most people can get to their kids' bedrooms.

The Doctor: Grant, Grant, this is insane. Look, I'm me, the Doctor, and even I think this is insane.

Nardole: Even him!

Grant: I can cope.

The Doctor: Of course you can't. When do you sleep? When are you not on call? How complicated do you need your life to be?

(Front door slams)

Grant: Well, not as complicated as it's about to get.

Grant (O.C.): We're in here, Mrs Lombard.

Lucy: Oh, Jennifer, look at you, up again! Don't you ever sleep?

Grant: Did you have a good evening, Mrs Lombard?

Lucy: Oh, it was work. Why would it be good?

Grant: Well, I don't know, you seem a little buzzed. I thought maybe you'd met someone.

Lucy: Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Grant... What are you doing here?

Nardole: We could ask you the same question. But it's your apartment, so we probably won't.

The Doctor: Well...

(Grant shakes his head)

The Doctor: We...we were worried about you. We wanted to make sure that you were all right, so we followed you.

Lucy: You followed me and got here first?

The Doctor: Well, that's just a measure of our concern.

Nardole: Very concerned.

Grant: They said they knew you. I let them in.

Lucy: We met tonight. We need to talk, you and me.

Grant: Oh! Did something happen?

(Toy squeaks)

Lucy: Nothing for you to worry your pretty little head about. I'll put her to bed.

Grant: I can do that.

Lucy: No, it's okay, I want to.

Grant: Lombard's her married name. He ran off when the baby came along.

The Doctor: Lucy. Of course.

(School bell rings)

The Doctor: Hey.

Young Grant: What are you doing here?

The Doctor: I'm your relief algebra teacher! Thought I'd check in on you, see how you're coping.

Young Grant: Well, it hasn't passed, if that's what you want to know.

The Doctor: I think that it's a part of your DNA now. It's bonded with you. I'm sorry. Why aren't you looking at me?

Young Grant: I don't want to.

The Doctor: You're not looking at anyone. Are you shy now? Is that floor really interesting?

Young Grant: I'm not shy. I just can't stop it.

The Doctor: Can't stop what?

Young Grant: The X-ray vision.

The Doctor: Oh!

Young Grant: I'm in hell. Naked hell. I just can't look at people!

The Doctor: It's the gemstone. It's responding to...puberty.

Young Lucy: Hey, Grant!

Young Grant: Hey, Lucy!

(Girls giggle)

The Doctor: You really like her, don't you?

Young Grant: I have X-ray eyes - I like everyone!

The Doctor: But Lucy is your favourite.

Young Grant: Who says?

Grant (O.C.): A couple of years after high school, I ran into her again.

Grant: She even remembered me.

The Doctor: Oh, that was lucky.

Grant: And I was with my best friend at the time, and she couldn't take her eyes off him.

The Doctor: Okay.

Grant: Love at first sight.

The Doctor: Right.

Grant: Then marriage, then a baby... and then he ran off with someone else.

The Doctor: Leaving, I suppose, the field open for you to move in...

Grant: Yeah.

The Doctor: .. and care for the child she'd had by another man.

Grant: Yeah.

The Doctor: So she could keep working and possibly date other friends of yours.

Grant: Pretty much.

The Doctor: You tiger! Thank you.

Grant: Who are you thanking?

The Doctor: The universe. There's somebody worse at this than me.

(Sirens blare)

Grant: Excuse me.

(Squeak)

Lucy: This is Mr Huffle. Mr Huffle feels pain.

(Drawn-out squeak)

Lucy: Meet me in the kitchen.

(Squeak)

(News report on TV)

Lucy: With you in a minute.

Lucy: So... you're from Scotland Yard.

The Doctor: Yes.

(Drawn-out squeak)

Lucy: It's fine if you don't tell me your secrets. I intend to keep mine. But don't lie to me.

The Doctor: Or what?

Lucy: I hurt Mr Huffle.

(Strained squeak)

Lucy: I assume you belong to some kind of, I don't know, agency - I don't care which one - and that your current assignment is to investigate Harmony Shoal. Correct?

The Doctor: No, I was just passing through...

(Squeak-squeak)

The Doctor: Okay, okay. Yes, fine, okay. Yes, broadly speaking, yes.

Lucy: What are those brain things?

The Doctor: I don't know. It's nothing that need concern you.

Lucy: I'm a reporter. That category does not exist. What are they?

The Doctor: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Lucy: No reason not to tell me, then.

(Strained squeak)

The Doctor: Those brains, they aren't just brains. They're independent alien life forms.

Lucy: And...?

(Strained squeak)

The Doctor: They migrate from planet to planet, extracting and replacing the central nervous systems of compatible hosts.

Lucy: And...?

The Doctor: Harmony Shoal is a multinational corporation whose true purpose is to extract and replace the brains of key authority figures around the world, and prepare Earth for full colonisation.

(Sharp squeak)

Lucy: Ha!

The Doctor: You believe me?

Lucy: I don't think you're lying - slightly different. What has Harmony Shoal got to do with the Ghost?

The Doctor: Nothing.

Lucy: Ah, so you know who the Ghost really is, then?

The Doctor: No, I have no i...

(Squeaking)

Lucy: Oh, stop it. We just went to a top-secret science research facility, apparently run by brains from space, and a flying man with superpowers turns up. Anybody would assume the two were connected, except for someone who already knew they weren't. So, clearly, you know the Ghost, and trust him. Nobody trusts anybody without knowing who they are, so you know who he really is. So now you can tell me. Who is he?

Lucy (quietly): Oh, that's interesting. You don't work for an agency, do you?

The Doctor: Don't I?

Lucy: You're not used to being spoken to like this, which means you don't have a boss or an employer. So why are you investigating Harmony Shoal? What's in it for you?

The Doctor: I like to keep busy.

Lucy: Why? What happened to you?

The Doctor: Nothing! Oh, look!

Lucy: Oh!

The Ghost: (on TV): ..Because f*re prevention is the responsibility of every citizen - so get a smoke detector!

(Baby cries)

The Ghost: (on TV): Sorry, duty calls.

Lucy: Oh, look at him go. I need to know who he is.

Grant: You're all right. She just needs a change.

Lucy: Oh, it's okay, I'll do it. You're so quick, Grant.

The Doctor: Oh, yes. He's definitely quick. Do you have any time off?

Grant: Sure!

Female reporter: (on TV): As the storm h*t, it became clear that two children were still trapped on the big wheel. The two small...

Lucy: Doctor?

Lucy: So, can you put me in touch with him?

(The Doctor sighs)

Lucy: The real guy behind the mask?

The Doctor: You're smart. You're so clever I actually noticed. I hardly ever listen when other people are talking.

Lucy: So what?

The Doctor: So why can't you find himself yourself?

Lucy: I got a lead.

The Doctor: What lead?

Lucy: You. You know him. Don't even try telling me you don't.

The Doctor: Maybe you know him too.

Lucy: Hey, where did Grant go?

Grant: Right here, Mrs Lombard.

Lucy: Oh.

Grant: Would you like your coffee?

Lucy: Oh, no, I'm okay, thanks. Are you all right?

Grant: Sure, why?

Lucy: You're kind of wet.

Grant: I prefer mild-mannered.

Lucy: Can you put me in touch with him?

The Doctor: The Ghost?

Lucy: Yeah, the Ghost.

The Doctor: Mrs Lombard, there are some situations which are just too stupid to be allowed to continue.

(Phone rings)

Lucy: Hang on.

Lucy: Hello.

Husky voice (O.C.): Is this Lucy Fletcher?

Lucy: Yes, who is this?

The Ghost (O.C.): Sorry, I had to fly.

(She gasps)

Lucy: Am I... Sorry, am I... Am I speaking to the Ghost?

The Ghost (O.C.): Hello, Lucy.

Lucy: So, I'm hoping this means I'm getting an interview.

The Ghost (O.C.): An interview is entirely possible...

Grant / The Ghost: .. but I must make one thing clear. There must be no talk of who I really am.

Lucy: Hey, you make the headlines, you make the rules.

Grant / The Ghost: Discussion of my true identity...

(Baby gurgles)

Grant / The Ghost: .. would put the people closest to me at risk. That is not acceptable.

Lucy: Fair enough, get that. How about tomorrow night?

Grant / The Ghost: For what?

Lucy: The interview? We could get dinner.

Grant / The Ghost: Dinner?

Lucy: Do you eat dinner?

Grant / The Ghost: Of course I eat dinner.

Lucy: Okay, then. Pick me up here tomorrow night, um, eight o'clock? I'll wait for you on the roof?

(Baby gurgles)

Lucy: Wait a second.

(Clattering)

Lucy: Grant, could you babysit for me tomorrow night?

Grant: Um...

Lucy: Please, it's important.

Together: I've got a date.

Together: A date?

Lucy: Uh, kind of a date.

Grant: Okay.

Lucy: An interview. Are you...seeing someone?

Grant: Um...

Lucy: None of my business. I mean... But are you? I mean, you never even go out, and suddenly you've got a date?

Grant: Yeah, well, it kind of came as a surprise to me too.

Lucy: I'm sorry?

Grant: It's complicated.

The Doctor: I can confirm that it's definitely complicated.

Grant: You know, don't worry about it, I'll look after Jennifer.

Lucy: You will?

The Doctor: You will?

Grant: I'll figure it out. Let me take care of it.

Lucy: Okay.

Grant: Okay.

The Doctor (whispers): She's jealous.

Grant (whispers): I'm jealous!

The Doctor: Grant, you were jealous of you.

Grant: Technically, she's jealous of her.

The Doctor: Grant, how long have you known this woman?

Grant: Since elementary school. 24 years.

The Doctor: 24 years? Yeah, of course it would be that.

Grant: Are you okay?

The Doctor: Time passes for everyone. Even for me. So, please, as much as it is possible for a human male, try not to be an idiot.

Grant: No, seriously, are you okay?

The Doctor: I'm always okay.

(Sirens wail in the distance)

(He sighs)

(Whooshing)

(Computer keyboard taps)

Dr Sim: Ah, welcome, brother.

(Brock sighs)

Dr Sim: How is your vehicle?

(Cracking)

Brock: A little cramped.

Dr Sim: It will relax with wear. Observe this. The finest vehicle this planet has to offer.

Brock: Interesting. And can it be acquired?

Dr Sim: A plan is being formulated.

Brock: This one. Who is he?

Dr Sim: I'm not sure. But he may be dangerous.

Brock: He doesn't look dangerous.

The Doctor: Boo! I'm talking to you live! (New York accent): In person! You can jump back in your skins now, except, of course, they're not your skins, are they?

Brock: What do you want?

The Doctor: Mercy.

Brock: We have none.

The Doctor: It's not a request, it's an offer. I'll give you a head start. I'll close my eyes and I'll count to ten. I will make no attempt to follow you but, starting now, all of you, everywhere, pack your bags and get off of this planet.

Brock: Are you declaring w*r on us?

The Doctor: I am drawing a line, and I'm suggesting you step back from it with awesome speed.

Brock: Then w*r it is.

(Cracking)

The Doctor: Multi-nucleate organism, functioning as an infinitely adaptable, independently functioning, peripatetic central nervous system. Good to keep an open mind. Ha! Of course it won't work.

Brock: What won't work?

The Doctor: Whatever it is, whatever you've got planned. Stating the obvious, you've set up in every capital city in the world, so clearly the "plan" is to unzip the head of every world leader, pop yourselves inside. Of course, you can't just roll up with a team of surgeons to the White House or to the Kremlin, because they've got big fences, shouty people and cross dogs.

Dr Sim: They will come to us and they will come running.

The Doctor: Oh. I very much doubt it. Take this! Yes, take that!

Dr Sim: Who are you?

The Doctor: There have been many attempts to conquer the Earth. I've lost count. Not one of them has succeeded, not a single one. They all lost and b*rned and ran. That's who I am.

(Piercing whistle)

Dr Sim: What is this?

The Doctor: It's a burger. I always bring a snack. But I don't want it now, he's put me off my dinner.

(Metallic thrumming)

The Doctor: Very good. Right on target.

Nardole: Trial and error, to be honest. A few accidental stop-offs along the way.

The Doctor: Where did you get the robes?

Nardole: 12th-century Constantinople. I ruled firmly, but wisely. Ah-ah-ah! How did it go?

The Doctor: Oh, you know. Issued a warning, donated a burger, nicked some stationery. The Ghost - what have you got?

Nardole: The whole story!

The Doctor: Fact me, baby, it's why I reassembled you.

Nardole: No, sir, that's not the reason, is it?

The Doctor: Oh, just get on with it!

Nardole: You cut me out of Hydroflax, because you were worried you'd be lonely, and we both know why, don't we? But, oh, look at you, avoiding the subject!

The Doctor: I'm not avoiding anything, I'm just trying to save a planet.

Nardole: Which is what you always do when the conversation turns serious.

(Computer warbles)

Lucy: Good girl.

Grant: Mrs Lombard? You look...nice.

Lucy: You look surprised.

Grant: No, no, no, it's just that, well, normally you wear the little red dress when you're, uh...

Lucy: This is business, Grant. Strictly business. So... I won't be late.

Grant: Okay.

(Dramatic music plays)

(Door opens)

Lucy: Hi.

The Ghost: Hi.

Lucy: Is something wrong?

The Ghost: You look nice.

Lucy: You look surprised.

The Ghost: I am. A little.

The Doctor: He's not supposed to be using those powers. He made a promise.

Nardole: What, like the Time Lord promise never to interfere in the affairs of other peoples or planets?

The Doctor: I glued your head back on. You should have a little bit more respect.

(Electronic warble)

Nardole: Oh!

The Doctor: Come on.

Nardole: Where are we?

The Doctor: Where we were, except not.

Nardole: Oh. Right...

(Excited chatter)

Nardole: Oh, Tokyo branch.

The Doctor: Yep.

Nardole: A bit empty, isn't it?

The Doctor: Yes, I created a distraction. I flooded downstairs with Pokemon.

Man: You're not supposed to be in here.

The Doctor: I know, it's terrible. Sorry, I'm doing everything I can to stop me. See that?

Nardole: It's a signal, isn't it?

The Doctor: It's a signal beaming into space. There was one from the New York office too. There's something in low orbit.

Lucy: I did book a restaurant.

The Ghost: I'm... not comfortable in restaurants.

Lucy: I suppose you get a lot of stares, dressed like that.

The Ghost: Right back at you. Are you sure you're warm enough?

Lucy: Yeah. Okay, no.

(She gasps)

The Ghost: Now?

Lucy: Yeah, definitely.

The Doctor: Yep, low orbit.

Nardole: But you can't get a fix on it?

The Doctor: I'm trying, the shielding's too good.

Nardole: Can't we track the signals?

The Doctor: Tracking them now. Boom.

Nardole: Ha-ha!

Lucy: So what powers do you have?

The Ghost: Well, basic flying, basic super strength...

Lucy: Basic X-ray vision?

The Ghost: Yep.

Lucy: Is that ever tempting?

The Ghost: Adolescence was difficult.

Lucy: In what sense?

The Ghost: It went on a lot longer.

Lucy: How much longer?

The Ghost: I'll let you know.

Dr Sim: We're moving into position. It won't be long now.

Brock: The Ghost is located.

Dr Sim: Action the surgeons.

(Whooshing)

(Low roar)

The Doctor: That's what Harmony Shoal is signalling to. Shall we pop over and have a look? Pretty sure no-one's on board.

Nardole: How do you know? Did you scan for life forms?

The Doctor: No. All the lights are off.

Nardole: Mmm!

Lucy: Do you have a girlfriend? Boyfriend? Well, there has been speculation. You do fly around New York dressed in rubber with a big "G" on your chest.

The Ghost: Are we very slightly stereotyping here?

Lucy: I get it, there's some stuff you'd like to keep private.

The Ghost: Was it the mask that tipped you off?

Lucy: (laughs) How do you cope with your double life?

The Ghost: I'm nothing special - everyone has a day job.

Lucy: Come on, you spend half your time as a regular person...

The Ghost: I spend all my time that way.

Lucy: .. and the other half saving the world. How do you cope?

The Ghost: How do YOU cope with a career and a baby?

Lucy: How do you know I have a baby?

The Ghost: I... did my research.

Lucy: Um... I have a nanny, that's basically your answer.

The Ghost: Yes, of course.

Lucy: He's downstairs right now.

The Ghost: I see.

Lucy: And, yes, I said "he".

The Ghost: Yes, you did.

Lucy: Yes, I did.

The Ghost: Is that a problem?

Lucy: I'm sorry, it's just that guys like you sometimes find it funny, a man being a nanny.

The Ghost: With respect, Miss Fletcher, there aren't too many guys like me.

Lucy: There aren't too many guys like Grant either!

The Ghost: You okay?

Lucy: Excuse me a minute.

(Romantic music plays)

(Sirens wail)

(Ominous music plays)

(Metallic thrumming)

The Doctor: Bridge is this way.

(Alarm buzzes)

(Alarm buzzes)

Dr Sim: Move.

(Electronic beeping)

The Ghost: I didn't mean to imply there's something wrong with your friend Grant. Not everyone can be a superhero.

Lucy: Not everyone can be a nanny! Sorry. He's downstairs right now and he was supposed to be on a date and he cancelled it and you know what's really bugging me about that? Who is he dating? Why is that bugging me? Why do I care? What's wrong with me?

The Ghost / Grant: There's probably something I... ought to tell you.

Lucy: Grant. The perfect name. A man I take for granted.

The Ghost / Grant: Um, really, if you could just look up about now...

Lucy: Always there, always kind, never lies. I even lied to him about this dress but I don't think he's ever told a single lie to me, not once, about anything. Not once.

The Ghost: That's very commendable.

(Door opens)

Brock: Good evening. Please, take no aggressive action, or your friend's life is over.

Lucy: Mr Brock? What do you want here?

Brock: The same thing you do, Miss Fletcher. His body.

(Beeping)

(Sonic screwdriver buzzes)

Nardole: Hmm. Bit rubbish, innit?

The Doctor: Don't touch anything.

Nardole: No, it's quite safe, it's just a freighter.

The Doctor: I said, don't touch.

Nardole: Wh...

The Doctor: It's here, the reactor core. It's cycling at critical. Someone's been rewiring. This isn't a ship any more. It's a giant b*mb.

Nardole: Ooh!

Just going to move out...

(He gasps)

Nardole: Doctor!

(Sonic screwdriver buzzes)

The Doctor: They're security drones, that's all.

Nardole: So what do they want a b*mb for?

The Doctor: What does anybody want a b*mb for?

Nardole: Surely they want to conquer the Earth, not blow it up.

The Doctor: You couldn't blow up the Earth with this... But you could wipe out a city. Good point, well made!

Nardole: What point?

The Doctor: New York, it's not a capital city, you're quite right.

Nardole: Oh... I don't understand.

The Doctor: What if you dropped this ship on New York, what would happen?

Nardole: The reactor core would split and New York would vaporise.

The Doctor: Not all of it. Not all of it, Nardole. Remember what he said, the scary little German fella?

(Beeping)

Dr Sim: This building can withstand a blast up to four times the strength of a nuclear expl*si*n.

The Doctor: Oh, this is very good, very meta.

Dr Sim: Did you understand?

The Doctor: You're stage-managing an alien att*ck when the aliens have already landed.

Nardole: But why?

The Doctor: Because of what happens next. When everyone thinks that the Earth is being att*cked from space, what then?

Nardole: Mass panic.

(Banging on door)

Nardole: Ooh, speaking of panic!

The Doctor: Don't worry, it's triple-deadlock-sealed. It'll hold for at least ten minutes. The people will panic, yes. But what about the world leaders?

(Banging continues)

The Doctor: The presidents and kings, the prime ministers and generals? What will they do? What do the rich old men always do when the fighting starts? They'll find the safest place to hide themselves away and send all their young people to die. And where's the safest place in every capital city now? What's the only part of New York still standing?

Nardole: Harmony Shoal.

The Doctor: New York isn't a capital city. It's a shop window. "When the world is in danger, come hide with us." Harmony Shoal will open its doors to the terrified leaders of the world.

Dr Sim: And they will come running.

The Doctor: A few hours later, every politician and commander-in-chief will have a zip in their head. An alien sitting inside their skull. In one day of terror, the executive authority of Planet Earth will pass to Harmony Shoal. It's a good plan, I like it. How come our side never gets plans like that?

Dr Sim: The humans have no plan at all.

The Doctor: (chuckles) That's where you're wrong. They have the same plan they always have.

Dr Sim: What plan?

The Doctor: Me.

Nardole: Hey-hey!

The Doctor: Don't do that.

Nardole: Sorry.

Brock: The operation is swift and quite painless. You realise I'm talking to my colleague in the jar?

The Ghost: You'll find me a lot harder to cut open than your previous victims.

Brock: Harmony Shoal have been conquering your world for five years. Whatever our faults, we have the virtue of patience.

Lucy: Ghost! Don't worry about me, do what you've got to do.

Brock: Do anything at all and we'll k*ll her.

Lucy: Don't listen to him!

Brock: Remove the mask. I like to see their faces.

The Ghost: I'm truly sorry.

(They gasp)

(Whooshing)

Brock: On the bright side, at least I get to k*ll you.

(Squelching)

Lucy: No, you can't! That's the trouble with one hostage. You k*ll me, the only reason he'll come back is for revenge. You really want to deal with that?

Brock: One hostage? Isn't there a child downstairs?

(He gasps)

Grant: Nobody touches that child.

Brock: And who are you?

Grant: I'm the nanny.

Dr Sim: Stand away from the controls, Doctor. Any attempt to interfere with them will precipitate the att*ck immediately.

The Doctor: Yes, I see that! Very clever. One question, as long as I'm here - why haven't you done it already?

Dr Sim: When the time is right, there will be no delay.

The Doctor: Oh, you told me something there! You told me something useful, you shouldn't have done that.

Dr Sim: What did I tell you?

The Doctor: You told me that the time is currently wrong.

Nardole: Oh, it's the smile. I don't like the smile!

The Doctor: The Sword of Damocles hanging over New York! I can't destroy it, I can't remove it, I can't stop it falling. There's only one thing I can do.

Nardole: What?

The Doctor: The unexpected! The thing about being in a room full of buttons and switches is... I love buttons and switches!

Nardole: Don't!

Dr Sim: What are you doing? What are you doing?!

(Beeping and roaring)

Computer: Thrusters engaged.

The Doctor: Next stop - New York! Say, "Wheeee!"

Nardole: Oh-h-h-h!

Dr Sim: Lower shields! Brace for impact! New York is under att*ck.

Brock: It occurs to me, Miss Fletcher, I now have three hostages.

Grant: Why don't you point the g*n at me?

Brock: What difference would it make? Besides, this is the one the Ghost will come for, I think. Ghost! Can you hear me? Do you have super hearing? I'm going to k*ll her. I'm going to k*ll her right now!

(Alarm blares)

Nardole: Stop! You're going to destroy New York!

The Doctor: Of course not! Now the b*mb is arming, the shields are down...

Nardole: Help!

The Doctor: .. we can use the TARDIS...

(Nardole whimpers)

The Doctor: .. to hijack the controls and divert it into space! No b*mb, no plan, no problem!

Nardole: No, wait! Those things are out there!

The Doctor: The ship is crashing! They're not going to be worrying about us!

Nardole: Ooh! Oh! (yelps)

The Doctor: Okay, plan B...

Nardole: Doctor! Help me!

The Doctor: Oh, you'll be fine! The ship will have blown up long before you've been strangled to death!

Nardole: And what's plan B?!

The Doctor: I have no idea, but it's going to be a very big relief when I think of it.

Nardole: You are completely out of your mind!

The Doctor: How is that news to anyone?

Nardole: I know you miss her, but couldn't you just write a poem?

The Doctor: Excellent! The controls are locked, but they've still got a little bit of give. It means I can take aim.

Nardole: At what?!

The Doctor: New York. There's exactly one chance, and one is all you need.

Nardole: No! No-o-o...

(Rumbling)

Brock: No. No, it's too soon.

The Doctor (distorted): Grant! Grant! This is the Doctor! You are the only living thing on Earth that can hear this frequency. Look up! We're coming right at you. If that thing hits the ground, then New York is finished! Over to you.

Grant (in The Ghost's husky voice): Mrs Lombard, please get down.

(Lucy gasps)

The Doctor: Nardole!

Nardole: Yeah?

The Doctor: Brace for impact!

(Nardole whimpers and wails)

(Tyres screech)

(Shouting, horns blare)

The Doctor: (grunts) Nardole. Nardole!

Nardole: Okay, one more, but text me a rickshaw...

The Doctor: Nardole, it worked! The reactor core didn't split!

Nardole: Why not?

The Doctor: Shock absorber.

Grant: Mrs Lombard, I realise in many ways it would have been better to have mentioned something about this earlier in the evening, but, please, don't slap me. I think I'm holding a giant b*mb.

(Metallic thrumming)

The Doctor: There, on you go, take a look at him. That's why YOU don't stand a chance. You want to know why? He's actually left-handed.

Grant: Sorry, instinct, I couldn't let go of this.

The Doctor: Oh, oh, ho! Ho! If you two are about to get excited, maybe you could get rid of that spaceship first.

Lucy: You know what? I think I prefer you in your superhero costume.

Grant: It's a bit difficult for me to change right now.

Lucy: I'll do it for you.

The Doctor: Grant! Grant! Remember, when you're... finished, throw that thing into the sun. Jennifer's still downstairs!

(Baby cries through monitor)

Brock: So, Doctor... you think this is over?

The Doctor: Yeah.

(He grunts)

The Doctor: Your b*mb's gone, your plan's finished. And look, there's UNIT, on the way to close your head office. It's almost like they've been tipped off.

Brock: The vengeance of Harmony Shoal is known and feared throughout the five star systems!

The Doctor: Ooh! Is it? Is it really? Well, I'd like to stick around and listen, but it's been a very long night.

(Baby cries through monitor)

The Doctor: Also, someone needs changing. You're not the only one that's full of it.

Man (O.C.): Let's go, let's go, let's go!

(Shouting)

Man (O.C.): Down here now!

Woman (O.C.): Get off of me!

Man: And he was like this when you found him?

Man: Yes, sir.

Man: Wait here. I'm putting a call into Osgood.

The Doctor: So, no more Ghost, then?

Grant: Nah, laid to rest.

Lucy: Are you sure?

Grant: Yeah, of course I'm sure. I mean, life's not a comic book, right, Doctor?

The Doctor: Possibly I'm not the right person to ask.

Lucy: What if something happens? What if the whole world is in danger?

Grant: Well, you know, maybe I'll keep the outfit, then. You know, just in case.

Lucy: Hmm.

The Doctor: The world will be fine. I've been away for a while, but I'm back. I'll take care of anything that comes up.

Grant: You were away?

Nardole: Huh! 24 years. What a night.

Grant: Where did you go?

Lucy: Wrong question. What was her name?

The Doctor: I'm sure that I must be busy, I better go.

Grant: You okay?

The Doctor: Yes, yes, yes, I'm okay.

(Fading squeak)

The Doctor: Things end. That's all. Everything ends. And it's always sad. But everything begins again too, and that's always happy. Be happy. I'll look after everything else. Nardole?

Lucy: Hey, Doctor?

(Squeak)

Lucy: Keep it real.

Nardole: Her name was River Song. They were together for a while and they were very happy. And then she died, a long time ago, in a library.

Grant: Are you sure he's going to be all right?

Nardole: Hm! He's the Doctor.

Nardole (O.C.): He's very brave and he's very silly and I think, for a time, he's going to be very sad. But I promise, in the end, he'll be all right. I'll make sure of it. Bye!

Lucy: You never explained. Who exactly is he? Doctor who?

Grant: Doctor... Mysterio.

(Metallic thrumming)

[ COMING SOON ]

Bill (O.C.): I'm Bill. I serve chips. He's a professor. Or a lecturer. Or as I call him...

Bill: Doctor what?

Bill (O.C.): And now we go everywhere.

Bill: It's like a...

The Doctor: Spaceship.

Bill: .. kitchen!

Bill (O.C.): Any space...

Bill: Where are we? Which way's Earth? What's a Dalek? Can I use the toilet?

Bill (O.C.): ..any time...

Bill: Get in! Whoa!

Bill (O.C.): ..and now I see everything... differently.

(She shrieks)

Dalek: Exterminate!

Bill: Where are we?

The Doctor: Basically in the middle of a w*r.

Bill: Oh!

The Doctor: And it's not as bad as it sounds! I'm the Doctor. I will save all your lives and when I do, you will spend the rest of them wondering who I was.

Man: Are you out of your mind?

The Doctor: Yes, completely, but that's not a recent thing.
{"type": "series", "show": "Doctor Who Special", "episode": "2016-12-25 - The Return of Doctor Mysterio (Christmas Special)"}