(A sl*ve ship in the storm, at night. Black men are chained in the hold, obviously sick. Rain is falling on them. They are shivering, breathing hard and coughing. The ship captain comes down the stairs with a doctor. They both hold a handkerchief in front of their mouth and nose. They speak a Dutch-derived language.)

Captain : Thank you, Doctor, for at last inspecting the sick cargo. It's all in this section. Take this log to your colleagues on the shore. It documents every piece of sick cargo. I'll throw them all overboard, but let me and my men come ashore.

Doctor : I'll try to convince them. But stay anchored until you hear from me. Or the next sh*t won't be a warning.

The doctor climbs back the stairs quickly. A crew member comes down.

Captain : They're never going to let us keep any of it. Toss the sick ones overboard. Then we're going to make a run for it. (He leaves. The sailor gestures to another one. They grab a sick sl*ve and carry him, struggling, to the deck. A young boy and his father are watching.)

Young boy : What are they doing?

Father : Naola is now your father.

Young boy : Daddy, no! I want to be with you!

Father : He is me.

(Crew men wearing masks come and take the father away. The young boy yells.)

Young boy : Daddy! No!

Father : I love you. Always.

(A cannonball hits the ship and destroys one wall. The slaves realize the ship is going to sink.)

(Cut to a bright, sunny day, on the sea. The camera pans down to a yacht, where a couple is standing.)

Lulu : Shouldn't they be up by now?

Niles : I'm sure they're fine.

Lulu : They're gonna run out of air. I'm happy to k*ll my daughter, but I feel a little awkward about k*lling your son.

Niles : They're spending time together. It's good. We're a family now. They need to bond.

Lulu : Yeah, well… they can bond with full air intake. (She speaks in a microphone.) Julie, surface now.

Julie : Help! Shark! (The parents jump, startled. The kids, who have just surfaced, giggle.)

Lulu : Please don't scare me like that.

Roger : What? You said we should bond.

Julie : Well, look what I found. (She hands Niles a red net. He helps them back on the boat.)

Niles : You're not supposed to take anything off the wreck.

Julie (she takes a glass jar, covered with mussels, out of the net. Inside are small, black, prickly objects.) How cool is this?

Roger : They kind of look like feathers.

Lulu : Can I see?

Julie (She turns around to hand her mother the jar, but knocks it on the boat. The jar breaks and slices her hand. She bleeds. Some of the prickly objects are pushed in her palm.): Ow!

Lulu : Julie!

Niles : Get her a towel. What was in that jar?

CREDIT ROLLS

(Cut to PPTH locker room, where Taub, Foreman and Masters are getting ready. House enters, file in hand.)

House: Why aren't you guys in my office?

Taub : Why are you in the building? It's 8:00 in the morning.

House : Where's Chase? (He hands the file to Foreman.)

Taub : He's not here because it's 8:00 in the morning.

House : 16-year-old girl — high fever, vomiting, bloodshot eyes.

Taub : Wow. The case of the really bad flu.

House : Hmm, let me see. Did I leave anything out? Oh, yeah. The smallpox. (A few seconds of startled silence.)

Masters : Smallpox was eradicated over 30 years ago.

House : So were Hush Puppies. Have you checked out your local hipster coffee shop lately?

Foreman : Smallpox doesn't exist outside of P4 Labs and bio w*apon plants.(Waving the file) She was in Bermuda.

House : Where she was scuba diving on the wreck of a Dutch sl*ve ship, that had been intentionally sunk, because an epidemic of smallpox had broken out on board.

Foreman : Was the ship sunk in water? Because viruses can't survive contact with water.

House : If the virus had been kept on the outside of an airtight jar, that might be an issue. The jar held old-school inoculations. They kept the scabs of the infected people. (His cell phone rings. He takes it out of his pocket.)

Taub : The virus can't survive over 200 years.

House : You have. (He flips his phone open and puts it on speaker.) Thanks for calling back. Uh, listen, I'm a screenwriter, and is it theoretically possible for smallpox to survive for more than 200 years underwater in a sealed glass jar?

Voice on the phone : Well, theoretically, yes, but—

House : Thank you. (He flips the phone shut.) So who do we believe — CDC or Dr. 90210? Isolate, get baseline blood draws for smallpox antibodies and vaccinate the entire family.

Foreman : We should test for the 21st-century suspects — varicella and measles.

House : You're free to perform whatever unnecessary tests you want, Foreman. sl*very was abolished years ago.

(Cut to quarantine room. Masters is entering the security door, wearing a white Hazmat suit, complete with breathing air supply. She joins Taub who is already in Julie's room, wearing the same suit. Taub is filling a syringe with the vaccine sh*t. Julie's family is in another isolation room, alongside, looking worried.)

Lulu : Why the hell do you guys have us quarantined in here?

Taub : We're just taking every precaution.

Niles : Against what?

Julie : What do you think I have?

Taub : One possibility is tetanus from the glass jar that sliced your hand.

Lulu : I remember tetanus sh*ts. That does not look like tetanus sh*ts.

Taub : It's really not worth going into, because the odds are astronomical.

Julie : Tell me.

Taub : Again, it's—

Masters : Smallpox.

Lulu : Smallpox?

Masters : The vaccine will protect you if you don't have it and lessen the severity if you already do. B-but it's a billion-to-one, so… we don't want you to panic or anything.

Lulu : How do I not panic with that information? (Niles and Roger look frozen.)

(Cut to the clinic. House is getting out of an exam room, looking rather upset. Cuddy joins him at the desk.)

House : Idiot in exam room one needs antidiarrheals and a dictionary.

Cuddy : You're not scheduled for clinic duty now.

House : I had some free time. I owed four hours.

Cuddy : Don't you have a case?

House : Yeah.

Cuddy (She snatches the file out of his hand): Then don't worry about it.

House : Are you a Stepford doctor?

Cuddy : If you're busy, you don't need to be down here.

House : You're serious.

Cuddy : Yep. Get out of here (She leaves him there thinking.)

(Cut to Oncology ward. Eve, a little bald girl wearing a red knitted beanie, is lying in her bed.)

Eve : I can't.

Eve's mom : I forgot her stuffed animal at home. It's been with her through all the chemo sessions so far.(Wilson nods in understanding.)

Eve : I need Lamby. He doesn't want me to do it alone. (Wilson's phone beeps. He checks it. It says : HOUSE : What I need is more important than what you are doing. Wilson frowns.)

Eve's mom : Honey, there's no other way. You're just gonna have to be brave, okay?

Wilson : What if I get someone to sit with her while you run home and get Lamby? I'll get a nurse. (Showing his phone) Then I have to deal with a… very sick man.

(Cut to Wilson walking in the corridor, rubbing his neck, and entering House's office. House is sitting at his desk, curled up with his chin on his closed fists, in a childlike position.)

House : I think she knows.

Wilson : Who is she, and what does she know?

House : Cuddy. And… that I faked a lab test and lied to her to save my last patient.

Wilson : What did she do?

House : She let me out of clinic duty by saying I had a case. She's never done that.

Wilson : She's also probably never ordered the pasta special in the cafeteria. Would that also have some special paranoid message to send you?

House (He gets up): I am not imagining this. It's an aberration in the way that she treats me. How do I find out what it means?

Wilson : You don't. If she doesn't know, all you're gonna do by sniffing around is make her suspicious. If she does know, you'll find out soon enough.

House : What if I die of curiosity in the meantime?

Wilson (in a lecturing tone): You were an idiot for lying to her in the first place. Don't be more of an idiot now. Say nothing — to no one — about anything. (A b*at.) That includes me. (He turns and leaves the office.)

(Cut to House entering the lab, where Taub and Masters are carrying on tests.)

Taub : It's not smallpox. Blood work suggests some other infection. White count is way down.

House (sitting down and rubbing his forehead): Masters, have you got a boyfriend?

Masters : That's none of your business.

House : Ah, probably just a dry spell.

Taub : House, you do realize we just ruled out smallpox?

House (paying absolutely no attention to Taub): Would you ever be extra nice to a theoretical boyfriend if you were really mad at him?

Masters (obviously trying to answer as honestly as she can): I guess the only reason I would be extra nice is because I'm angry, and I just want him to go away so I don't have to deal with him anymore.

House : You passive/aggressive bitch.

Masters : You just asked me—

House : What about Foreman's unnecessary tests?

Masters : Negative for varicella and measles. So all of our ideas are off the table.

House : I'm putting mine back on. Patient's a diver. Under increased pressure, everything in the blood gets scared, panics, runs, and hides.

Taub : Antibodies could be in the joints.

House : Tap her knee, ankle, shoulder, and any other joint in her smallpox-ridden body. (To Masters) Good talk.

(Cut to Cuddy's office. She is sitting on her couch, reading files. She is dressed in black with a very short skirt, which is obvious because her feet are propped up on her table and we get a very nice view of her legs. House enters. She glances at him, says nothing and gets her attention back to her file. House scrutinizes her and sighs.)

House : You know.

Cuddy (matter of factly): Of course I know.

House (relieved) : Oh, thank God. I thought I was just being paranoid. Why didn't you say something?

Cuddy : 'Cause I wanted you to come to me and apologize.

House : I can't apologize if I haven't done anything wrong.

Cuddy (closing her file, dryly) : You lied to my face.

House (in a patient tone) : To do my job, to save a patient's life. Look, I don't want to go all Godfather on you. This was business. I wouldn't lie to you about something personal.

Cuddy : Well, you don't get to lie to me about anything. I can't compartmentalize my life like that.

House (still very gently) : Well, maybe you should practice, 'cause it comes in handy.

Cuddy (still pissed, opening her file again): I think you should go. (House rolls his eyes, restrains himself and leaves.)

(Cut to Julie's room. Taub is tapping her knee. It hurts.)

Julie : Ow.

Taub : Sorry. I have to get the needle behind the bone.

Julie : I'm running out of bones. If this is a waste of time—

Taub (he gets to her second knee): Last one. You just have to be… (He bends her leg and stops.)

Julie : What? What — what is it? (There are pustules behind her knee.)

Taub (He sounds afraid) : I'm sorry. I have to call the CDC. I think you do have smallpox.

(Cut to Julie's room. House, Masters and Taub are now in the room, all in Hazmat suits. Taub and Masters are examining her closely, looking for other lesions.)

Julie : Am I gonna die? I mean, this is what t*rrorists want to use to k*ll everyone, right? Like, there's no cure.

Taub : There are treatments. We can give you cidofovir.

House : I don't think you care about the drugs' names. Bottom line — it's 30% fatal, which means your chances of being okay are about the same as a basketball player's chance at hitting a free throw, unless she finds dark, purplish skin blotches.

Lulu : What would purple blotches mean?

Masters : Hemorrhagic-type smallpox.

House : In which case, her chances are more like… Shaq hitting a free throw.

Masters : Well, no purple skin, but take a look at this.

Lulu : What is it?

Masters : There's a rash under your daughter's arm. (There are red lesions under her arm. House comes to look at them closely.)

Julie : Like more of those gross bumps?

House : No. It's just a regular rash.

Julie : W-what does that mean?

House : It means it's not smallpox. (The parents look relieved and hug.)

(Cut to PPTH cafeteria, where Sam and Wilson are having breakfast.)

Wilson : Are you saying you see House's side? It's not even a side. It's a fictional construction.

Sam : She's expecting House not to lie? If she's using the relationship as a rationale to try to change things—

Wilson : Wait. Wait. Are you saying it's okay for us to lie to each other?

Sam : No, we have a different relationship — I think a better one. Lying was never part of it. Theirs is built on it.

Wilson (looking at his pager) : Sorry, I have to go.

Sam : Oh, come on, I have to leave in, like, five minutes. Can't it wait?

Wilson : There's a little girl. The nurse watching her got called away. It's a long story, but I've got to babysit. I'll see you tonight. (They kiss.) Mm-hmm.

(There is an announcement on the loudspeaker) : Attention — Effective immediately, all hospital entrances and exits will be restricted until further notice. Center for Disease Control has ordered Princeton Plainsboro Hospital locked down.

Sam : Well, I guess I can stay.

(Cut to Julie's room, where House, Taub and Masters are still examining the girl. Four men wearing red Hazmat suits and carrying suitcases come to the door)

Broda : Please step out of the room. I'm Dr. Broda, Head of Infection control, CDC, and your protective suits are not adequate.

House : Turns out they don't have to be. (He points to Julie's arm, Broda looks with attention.) Rash under the arm means it's not smallpox. False alarm. Sorry. Hope the traffic wasn't too bad.

Broda : Rash is consistent with smallpox.

House : Not if it presents after pustules.

Broda : She's probably just allergic to the bedsheets or the hospital gown, and you simply didn't notice it (House and Taub exchange looks.) We're gonna airlift blood and tissue samples to Atlanta. We'll have the DNA results in 18 hours. In the meantime, please, step out of the room.

House : You brought the plane? Cool.

(Cut to diagnostics office. The team is sitting around the table, arguing. House is at his desk, apparently working on his laptop, and printing documents.)

Masters : When we left, Julie's fever had climbed to over 103.

Taub (He is reading a newspaper): It's not smallpox. She's not dying. And it's not our case. Need any other reasons to forget it?

House : You know how you can tell there's nothing to be done? Chase showed up.

Chase (frowning) : I was here at 9:00.

Masters : So you guys just want to do nothing for the next 18 hours until they tell us it's not smallpox? Can't we spend the time discussing what looks like smallpox but isn't smallpox? (Foreman is reading a newspaper, too.)

Chase : Molluscum contagiosum.

Foreman (engrossed in his newspaper) : You have to compare lesions to differentiate.

Taub (still reading, too) : And we don't have access to the patient or any new information.

House (reading the sheets he has just printed out) : But we do have access to the other patients — the ones who died of the same thing in 1793. It's the Captain's log from the Sotos Ooslerzoon. Maritime Museum in Bermuda graciously sent over a PDF. Problem solved. (He gets up.) I assume at least one of you speaks fluent Dutch. (The team looks baffled. House makes a sorry face, and turns back to his office.)

Foreman : It's the middle of the night in the Netherlands. Nobody's working.

House : Oh, you can always find someone.

(Cut to House's computer screen. It shows a pretty, smiling brunette in black underwear and stockings, sitting on a red velvet sofa in a cozy room. The website is called CYBERLOVERS.net ; it announces “live streaming sexcam from erotic Europe”.)

Geerte (coaxing voice): Oh, yes. My name is Geerte. (Cut to a speechless, open-mouthed Taub.) Are you handsome sexiest American man?

House (looking pleasantly smug): You know, some people (he looks back at his team) — I would say that I am, yeah. I want you to translate something for me.

Geerte : Why you want I translate? I do topless, toys, (House is obviously considering it) and—

Masters (loudly) : Just do the translation.

House : She can translate however she feels most comfortable.

Geerte : Whatever. You put in credit card. (House reaches to his wallet.)

Taub : House, the hospital has translators on call—

House : Shut up. (He enters his card number, then turns back and hands out Masters a post-it.) Honey, could you email our new friend the Captain's log?

Masters (enjoying herself) : Sure thing (A b*at) … Sexiest American man.(She giggles. House glares at her.)

Geerte (She has put on reading glasses and a shrug. The male team is sitting in front of the screen. Masters is standing up with her arm crossed. All are listening intently. House is reading the same files with his glasses on, too) : "On morning of 14, July, I boarded Sotos Ooslerzoon with two trunks and my cat." Aw! The Captain had a cat.

House : Isn't she adorable? Go ahead and skip to the part where people get sick.

Geerte : Mm… ah, here."The passenger has a fever, shaking, and red eyes." Ooh. Also African man make go in his pants.

Foreman : What about the Captain, the crew?

Geerte : Mm, no. It say only African men sick.

House : It can't be smallpox. Airborne transmission means it's an equal-opportunity k*ller. We're looking for a disease that discriminates.

Taub : Sickle cell.

Chase : The disease doesn't have to be r*cist. It could be classist. Vitamin D deficiency from lack of sunlight weakens the immune system, makes the slaves more vulnerable to malaria or dengue fever.

Foreman : I don't know how you get pustules from any of those.

Masters : Captain and crew got clean drinking water. Slaves drank whatever they could. Scrofula. That's what they called cervical T.B. lymphadenitis in the 1700s.

House : Scrofulicious — that's what they called "annoying" in the 1700s. Is she wrong? Then they died for nothing. Those slaves could have led long, fulfilling lives, mowing my ancestors' lawns. Foreman. Can I speak to you outside for a second? (They both get up and out the room, and walk side by side in the corridor.) We need to test for T.B.

Foreman : T.B. might fit, but it's too slow-moving to k*ll her anytime soon. There's no way the CDC's gonna give us access.

House : That's why we don't think it's T.B. We think it's meningococcal disease, which could k*ll her before the results come back.

Foreman : And once I gain access, I run the T.B. Test. You could have said all that in there.

House : In front of the narc? As if.

Foreman (he smirks a little) : Are you so afraid of this new girl, we have to take elaborate measures every time you want to skirt around ethical boundaries?

House : Elaborate measures? We took a walk — a walk you would have taken anyway. Actually, I saved you from the horrible post-differential traffic jam.

(Cut to the isolation ward, where Foreman has gone to meet Broda.)

Broda (doubtfully) : Meningococcus?

Foreman : We believe the rash under Julie's armpit is actually petechial spots. When added to the high fever, the vomiting—

Broda : There haven't been any seizures, no stiff neck.

Foreman : If I could just gain access to the patient, I can investigate the rash further.

Broda : I'll take a look.

Foreman : I can wear your gear. I'll take every necessary precaution.

Broda : You come to me with a weak diagnosis. I even offer to investigate, but that's not good enough for you. What's really going on here? (While he speaks, he notices Niles, walking hesitantly in the other isolation room. Niles falls to his knees, then brings his hand to his forehead.

Broda : Sir… are you feeling all right in there?

Niles : It's just a headache.(He raises his head. His eyes are bloodshot. He grimaces in pain, sits down and takes his head in his hands. He pants heavily.)

Lulu : Baby. Baby. (Niles bents his head down, and grunts. Drops of blood fall on the floor.)

Roger : Dad… you're bleeding.

Lulu : Somebody, please… Get in here now! (Broda gestures to one of the CDC doctors in Julie's room. Niles raises his head, his nose and gums are bleeding)

Broda : This is not meningococcus. You're not getting in here.

(Cut to diagnosis office. House is pacing.)

House : Cool.

Chases : Not really — not for them and not for you — the dad's new symptoms are consistent with them having smallpox.

House : Would be if he had a headache.

Chase : He does have a headache.

House : No. He just said, "ow," and held his head.

Foreman : Actually, he said, "ow."Then he said, "it's a headache."

House : Which could be indicative of head pain. Headache is caused by muscle tension or vascular stretching. Head pain is caused by trauma, which would include such events as a bleed in the brain from T.B.

Taub : We're back to T.B.?

House : We never left.

Foreman : We'll need to do a C.T. And I sort of have a hunch that the CDC's not gonna approve of us moving the patient.

House : Chase, can I talk to you outside for a second? (Masters looks suspicious.)

(Cut to PPTH corridor.)

Chase : You just tried this. I'm not a better liar than Foreman.

House : Sure, you are. You're descended from convicts. (Chase looks slightly entertained.) Plus, there's no lie this time. It's a bait and switch. You propose that we don't have to move him if we do a pneumoencephalograph.

Chase : That's 60-year-old technology that k*lled patients.

House : Exactly. He'll compromise on the C.T.

Chase : This isn't Cuddy. Your Jedi mind tricks won't work here.

House (doing a very convincing Obi Wan impersonalisation) : These aren't the droids you're looking for. (Masters has left the diagnostics office and joins them in the corridor.)

Masters : You don't trust me.

House : Going behind your back works better when you're not facing us.

Masters : Instead of whatever lie you're gonna tell Broda, why don't you just tell him the truth? (House looks desperate) If we are honest and reasonable—

House : People of all races and creeds will live together in peace and harmony.

Masters : How did your first plan work out?

House : Permission granted.

Masters : Thank you. (She leaves them. House turns back to Chase.)

House : After she gets denied, do the bait and switch.

(Cut to Eve's room. She is lying on her bed, Wilson is sitting at her side.)

Wilson : They won't let your mommy back in the hospital because of an emergency downstairs. But we have to get started.

Eve : I can't do it without my Lamby. (She notices Sam, leaning in the door.) Who is she?

Sam : I'm nobody. I'm leaving soon.

Wilson : Her name is Sam, and she's a friend of mine. What does Lamby usually do while you get your treatment?

Eve : He holds my hand.

Wilson : Well, you could hold my hand.

Eve : That won't work.

Sam (she enters the room) : Well, sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to do. (Wilson looks puzzled.) You have to go to school. You have to eat your vegetables. You have to take your medicine. You have to. (She smiles. Eve and Wilson look at each other in silent understanding.)

Eve : I want my mommy.

Wilson : Yeah. I'll be right back. (to Sam, who now looks deflated.) You know, I'm pretty sure Lamby has a cousin down in the gift shop.

(Cut to House's office. He has stuck a pen in each ear of his model skull, set on his desk, and he is scoring a try with a cardboard. He wins and exhales, then gets up to pick his cardboard up. Masters enters the office.)

House : Hold off a minute. I'm in overtime. (He tries again, loses. Masters jumps a little, surprised, then giggles.) Oh!

Masters : Uh, Broda agreed to C.T. the dad's brain.

House : Well, that sucks.

Masters : But I thought that's what you wanted.

House : I shouldn't have gotten it with the truth. He's a hypocrite. His position ever since he's been here has been—

Masters : I-I pointed out that either we're right, and he's the hero for ending the crisis, or he's right, and he gets to be the first person to look at a brain infected with smallpox. C.T. scans weren't around 30 years ago.

House : Good work.

(Cut to isolation ward. Julie is on her bed, in pain. Niles has been placed on an isolation gurney and is being wheeled out of the room. House and Masters watch from outside.)

Masters : So I guess honesty is the best policy.

House : Why'd you say that? Seriously… To establish your viewpoint, as if I didn't already know it, or to demonstrate some weird cross-generational female solidarity with Cuddy?

Masters : Actually, I was just trying to fill the awkward silence.

House : Oh. (Looking back to the CDC crew. They are wheeling the dad back in his room.) Why have they stopped? (He opens the door and enters the hallway.)

Masters : You can't go out there.

House : Why did you stop?

Broda : Get out of the hallway.

House : He does not have smallpox.

Broda : Yes, he does.

Niles (he breathes shallowly and looks panicked) : It itches.

Broda : He's just developed pustules. He's now too dangerous to transport. Get out of the hallway.

(Cut to the isolation rooms. Niles is lying on his bed with an oxygen mask on, in his own room ; Julie is in the other room, agitated. Lulu and Roger are in the middle room, defeated.)

Foreman (Voice over): Dad's vitals are in the toilet. He's got full-blown smallpox.

House : What about the daughter?

Masters : Pustule count is way up. Vitals are way down.

(Cut to House's office, at night. House is sitting at his desk, Foreman and Masters in front of him.)

House : Means I was wrong. But to be precise, I was right before I was wrong, so…

Masters : So we just give up and go home?

Foreman : Actually, somebody locked the front door, but, yeah, we… give up.

Masters : We might as well keep—

House : We have our diagnosis. If you're eager, you can go find us a new case. (Masters leaves.)

Foreman : I guess she's eager or has a blind spot for sarcasm.

(Cut to isolation ward. Masters is pacing, arms crossed, and Broda is reading files.)

Masters : I just want to look at the rash under her arm to see if it's matured—

Broda : You can look through the glass.

Masters : I need to be closer. If the pustules are at a different stage—

Broda : She's comfortable. We're gonna have our results back in eight hours. If it's not smallpox, you can be the first one in there. (He leaves the room. Masters comes close to the glass and looks at Julie.)

Julie : Why are you just standing out there?

Masters : Uh… I'm just trying to help. If you're feeling up to it, can you sit up and show me the rash under your arm? (Julie begins to sit slowly and moves her feet in the process.) Uh, wait. The soles of your feet. There aren't any lesions.

Julie : Who cares? They're everywhere else. This is t*rture. (Masters looks worried and leaves quickly.)

(Cut to Eve's room. She's lying on her belly, facing away from the door. Wilson enters carrying a plush sheep.)

Wilson : Eve? Guess who came by the hospital for a visit? (Sheep voice) Hello, Eve. Oh, no! (Eve turns, smiling, and hugs the sheep.) All right. I'm gonna get a couple of nice nurses to come in here and get you two ready for the treatment, all right?

Eve (still smiling): Okay. (She reconsiders.) How come Lamby can be here but mommy can't? (She smells the sheep and frowns. Wilson and Sam look embarrassed.)

Sam : Lamby was dirty. Um, we gave her a bath.

Eve : This isn't Lamby! (She throws the sheep at them and turns back, hugging her pillow.)

(Cut to House's office, where he is asleep in his Eames chair.)

Masters : Julie doesn't have smallpox.

House : Did I just dream the part where I finally agreed it was smallpox? Well, if what I thought was reality was actually a dream, then the reverse… Oh, my God. I had a threesome with Beyonce and Lady Gaga.

Masters : She doesn't have pustules on her palms or the soles of her feet.

House : The dad does have pustules there. So how does he get smallpox, but it skips her? (Epiphany face. He gets up and leaves the room quickly, then comes back to the door.) If I leave like that, you should follow. (Masters follows.)

(Cut to locker room ; House briskly opens the door, followed by Masters.)

House (excitedly) : We gave it to him. Where's Chase?

Foreman (lying on a bench) : You do realize we don't all live together, right?

House : Well, then just — we gave it to him. No pustules on the daughter's palms, so…

Taub : So therefore your theory is you asked me to take the dad's blood, but I accidentally injected him with smallpox.

House : Exactly, although technically, it was the vaccinia virus, which is what the smallpox vaccine is made from. Same symptoms as smallpox, but only half the calories and almost none of the lethality.

Foreman (he sits up) : You sound like one of those anti-vaccine cranks. You can't develop full-blown symptoms from the vaccine this quickly.

House : You can if you're immunocompromised. Am I the only one who reads these things? (he waves the dad's file.) Dad had kidney cancer.

Foreman : Six years ago. He's been in remission.

House : Well, it's obviously back. sh*t his immune system, made him vulnerable to the vaccinia, which will get better on interferon. So if he responds to the treatment, that proves he doesn't have smallpox.

Taub : Then what does the daughter have?

House : Damn. I was hoping you weren't gonna ask me that. Can we please just focus on the disease we just diagnosed and can treat?

(Cut to isolation ward, House and Broda are walking side to side in the hallway.)

House : What's more likely — he got smallpox the day after we immunized him for it, or he's sick from the vaccine itself?

Broda : You got any proof the kidney cancer is back?

House : Well, let me give him this. (He shows a syringe.) When he gets better, that'll be the proof you need. I'll put on one of your fancy spacesuits, and I promise I won't kiss him on an open sore.

Broda (He gives the doctor in the dad's room a perfusion bag, via the airlock) : You know who Janet Parker is? In 1978, she was working at a university in England. Someone in a research lab on the floor below screwed up. Some smallpox virus managed to float up through the vents into the room where she was working. She died four days later — the last known person to die from smallpox. And the person in charge of the lab was so destroyed, he k*lled himself. Now that he's shedding, I can't open that door for anyone. (He turns to leave. House looks in the room and notices something.)

House : Hey! Look, there's the proof you need. There's blood in the urine bag.

Broda : His kidneys are shutting down. He's in the final stages of the disease.

House : If smallpox was causing the kidney failure, the blood would be brown. It's red because the kidney cancer is back, and this is not smallpox.

Broda : I'm not opening that door.

House : Well, that makes one of us. (When the CDC doctor in the dad's room unlock the door to get out, House quickly enters the room.)

Broda : Hey! Hey! You're insane!

House : But I'm right. (He injects interferon in the dad's IV.)

Broda (sets alarms and lock the door): I hope you are, because I can't let you out now.

(Cut to the dad's room. Cuddy has come in, looking rather pissed, and is giving House a red Hazmat suit via the airlock. Inside the room, House is pacing and twirling his cane.)

Cuddy : This is what happens when you have no respect for authority, no respect for anything.

House : You don't think it's a little much to use the thr*at of death to win a totally separate argument with your boyfriend?

Cuddy : You think this is about the other thing?

House : Does seem to track suspiciously closely.

Cuddy (leaning on the airlock, concerned): I don't care right now that you lied to me. I want you to stay alive.

House : And if I do, does that mean I win both arguments?

Cuddy : Put the suit on.

House (whining) : It's unnecessary, mom. This is why I didn't want them telling you. It's why I'm glad they didn't tell Wilson.

Lulu : Dr. House. (House turns back and goes to the dad's bedside.)

Niles : I'm getting worse, aren't I?

House (he checks his vitals) Interferon takes a little time to work. (to Lulu, with the hint of a smile, and a reassuring nod) Don't worry. (To Cuddy, worryingly, voice down) Tell Broda that I'm increasing his oxygen. And get my team down here. (Cuddy leaves hastily. House takes the Hazmat suit.)

(Cut to Eve's room. She's drawing. Sam enters the room.)

Sam : Hi. (Eve does not answer.) You're mad at us, aren't you?

Eve (not looking up): Yeah.

Sam : Well, you have a right to be. We weren't honest. You might not know this yet, but sometimes adults mess up. (She sits uncomfortably on Eve's bed.) Can I tell you something, and you keep it just between us? (Eve nods, still not looking up.) I'm not great with kids. I love them, but I get scared that I'm gonna do the wrong thing, and then… I usually do. (During this talk, Eve has raised her eyes and stopped drawing. She listens intently. Wilson, who was coming to the room, stops at the door and silently listens, too.) And that's what I did with the lying. And I'm very sorry about that. The reason why I did the wrong thing was because I was trying to get you to do the right thing. Your mommy and your Lamby both really need you to get better. So… do you think that… you could be really brave… and do the right thing?

Eve : I'll try.

Sam : Great. (She touches Eve's hand, awkwardly) Great. (Behind them, Wilson smiles, with teary eyes.)

(Cut to isolation ward, where the team has joined Cuddy.)

Chase : Fever's way up. Sat's way down. Pustules still spreading.

Masters : Interferon's not working.

Foreman : Which means this is smallpox.

House : Right! 'Cause there are only two diseases in the whole wide world — what else could it be?

Masters : There's got to be something.

Foreman : No, there doesn't.

Cuddy : There are still no pustules on her feet. All the reasons you thought it wasn't smallpox still exist.

Foreman : Forget her feet. Forget all those other reasons. Look at him now. The pox are dome-shaped. They're on 80% of his body, and they're not scabbing over. This is textbook smallpox. DDX'ing at this point isn't gonna make a difference.

Cuddy : Don't say that.

Foreman : I'm sorry. House… You screwed up going in there.

(Overview of PPTH at night, then back to the isolation room, where the dad is getting worse, Lulu and the son are sitting, and Broda is doing paperwork. House and Cuddy are sitting very closely on each side of the glass wall, looking very intimate.)

Cuddy : You have any fever?

House : Not yet. But when it does come, I assume you'll see the pettiness of being mad at me for lying.

Cuddy : Shut up, House.(They both smile. The father grunts, an alarm beeps, House turns back.)

House (to Cuddy, softly) : I'll be right back. (He goes check on the father.)

Niles : I'm not gonna make it, am I?

House : You should say good-bye to your family. (Niles pants, then nods. House unhooks lines, then wheels the bed close to the glass wall. He steps back near Cuddy.)

Niles : I love you.

Lulu : Just hold on. Fight this.

Niles : You got to take care of my boy.

Lulu (Her eyes go wide.): No.

Niles : Promise me.

Lulu : I promise. (She cries.) I love you.

Niles : I love you too. Get Roger closer.

Lulu : Come closer. Come on.

Roger : Dad.

Niles : My baby boy.

Roger : Dad, please…

Niles : It's gonna be okay. Lulu's gonna take care of you.

Roger : I don't want her, dad. She's not you.

Niles : I will always love you, Roger.

Roger : Dad? (The monitor shows a flatline. The voices fade away as the dad dies, and the music takes over. House quickly wheels the crash cart near the bed, and attempts at resuscitation. He uses the paddles first, then climbs on the bed to perform CPR. He checks the dad's pulse, then looks at the monitor screen : all the lines have gone flat. He stops and looks at Cuddy, then at the dad, defeated.)

(Cut to the dad's room. The dad's body is still on the bed. House is sitting as far as he can from it.)

House (His voice goes from panicky to upset upon this conversation.): You're k*lling me!

Broda : The suit will protect you if you haven't already been exposed.

House : My air supply's almost out.

Broda : We'll give you another canister.

House : Yeah, and when I change it, I will be exposed.

Cuddy : Just move him!

Broda : I wish I could.

House : Oh, that's great, 'cause you know what you can do? You can move me. You don't know that I have smallpox yet.

Broda : We have to assume.

Cuddy : There's another isolation room on the fifth floor.

Broda : The problem is getting him from here to there.

House : So it's inconvenient. My having a fighting chance at life is inconvenient!

Broda : I'm sorry.

(Cut to Diagnostics office. The team is sitting around the table, brooding. Chase is pacing.)

Chase : We don't know that he'll catch it.

Masters : We don't know that it's definitely smallpox, not until we get the DNA results back from the CDC.

Foreman : What do you think the dad just died of?

Masters : Would it k*ll us to talk it through?

Foreman : k*ll us? No. Save House? Also no.

Taub : Even if by some miracle it's not smallpox, there's nothing more for us to go on. There's no new data. And there isn't going to be any— (Masters leaves the room.) Where are you going?

Masters : To get more data.

(Cut to House's computer screen, where Geerte is back.)

Geerte : "Gerritt seems distant and preoccupied."

Masters : Who's Gerritt? Is he a sl*ve?

Geerte : Gerritt is the Captain's kitty.

Chase : The Captain's cat is preoccupied?

Taub : Skip the cat.

Geerte : Uh, "one goat slaughtered for dinner. Broke out the next barrel of wine."

Taub : Skip the food.

Masters : Uh, c-can we go back to the cat? Did the cat get sick?

Taub : Smallpox is exclusive to humans.

Masters : Ship captains didn't have pets. Nothing and nobody went on those ships if it didn't have a purpose.

Taub : Hunting mice and rats?

Masters : For the crew. The hold was probably infested with mice. What if that's the difference? What happened to Gerritt?

Geerte : Ah.

Chase : Is that a sad "ah" or a cute "ah"?

Geerte : Gerritt, he died. It's a sad "ah."

Masters : Before he died, did he lose his fur?

Geerte : How did you know?

Masters : Mice don't carry smallpox, but they do carry rickettsialpox.

Foreman : Which is treatable. (They all hurry out of the room.)

(Cut to isolation ward. The team is surrounding Broda.)

Masters : Just start them on doxycycline.

Broda : Based on a bald cat? You never heard of shedding?

Foreman : What's the downside?

Broda : If we shove her full of antibiotics plus the antivirals, it'll suppress

her bone marrow.

Chase : That girl's about to die.

Broda : She probably is, and I don't want to risk pushing her over the edge.

Masters : At least look at the dad's body. Small patches of black, d*ad tissue will prove I'm right. Eschars appear with rickettsialpox but not with smallpox.

Broda : If he had developed eschars, I would have noticed.

Taub : You haven't been within 20 feet of the guy in hours.

Chase (gestures to two men carrying cans and entering the room): Have them check.

Broda : Their job is to bleach the body, k*ll the virus, and get it out of there for Dr. House's sake.

Masters : Bleaching the body will destroy all evidence of rickettsialpox.

Broda : There is no evidence! I'm not trying to hurt anyone here. I'm not lying to you. This is smallpox.

Masters (turning to the room) : House, you have to examine the body.

House : I'm not going anywhere near it.

Masters : Look for eschars. Hurry.

House (suddenly interested) : You think it's r-pox?

Masters : The Captain had a cat. He lost his fur and then died. (House gets up slowly and gets to the bed.)

Broda : Step back, Dr. House. (House uncovers the body, still oozing blood, and start examining it, but is bothered by his gloves.)

House : It's kind of hard to do an autopsy in oven mitts.

Masters : Take them off.

House : Says the woman standing behind two panes of glass.

Masters : Do you believe me? Forget me. Do you believe you? You think it's rickettsialpox, don't you? If it is, it's curable, and she's gonna die unless we can prove it.

House : You really are annoying. (He takes the gloves off and examines the body closer. Broda gestures to the CDC men to make them hurry.)

Masters : Come on, House. Come on. (The two men enter the room and come close to House, still moving the body.)

House : Eschar. Eschar! (He shows them a tiny black patch. The men nod to Broda. Everyone looks relieved.)

Broda : Get the girl on Doxycyclin. Right now. (Masters looks at House, who takes off his helmet and looks back, somewhat admiring, and relieved.)

(Cut to PPTH corridor. It is the end of lockdown. The elevator door opens. Sam and Wilson are wheeling Eve. Her mother runs to her, carrying Lamby.)

Eve : Mommy! (They hug. Sam and Wilson are watching.)

Wilson : You were good with her.

Sam : Yeah, only after being bad.

Wilson : It takes practice. (He puts his arm around her shoulders.)

Sam : Maybe I should get a puppy.

Wilson : Yeah, or… pregnant? (They exchange looks.)

(Cut to Julie's room, she is recovering.)

Lulu : Hey. You're gonna be okay.

Julie (to Roger) : Hey.

Roger (hesitantly) : Hey. (Lulu hugs him.)

(Cut to Cuddy's office. House barges in, opening the door with his cane.)

House : Buy you breakfast?

Cuddy (packing her things, and barely looking at him) : No, thanks.

House : You can pay… if it's starting to feel like I'm carrying you.

Cuddy : House, stop.

House (suddenly serious): When I was dying… you realized that a little white lie between coworkers wasn't such a big deal.

Cuddy : Yeah, and that was true… when you were dying.

(She leaves, leaving House bemused.)

END
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "07x07 - A Pox On Our House"}