[upbeat music]

Peg: Seamus, the children

haven't seen the new house.

I want it clean.

Seamus Fitzgerald, you're

wearing white socks

with business shoes.

You look like an old man.

Seamus: I am an old

man, 65 years old.

Peg: You're 64.

Seamus: I'm in my 65th year.

I get senior citizen

prices at the movies,

the video store, Denny's

and Tuesday [unintelligible].

Peg: Now go change those socks

before the children get here.

Seamus: [sighs] Socks.

Peg: Dark ones.

Sean: I don't know.

I wish I could.

Yes, Exit 71 east.

We'll be here.

They'll be here in

about 20 minutes.

Jeanne: We can't

wait 20 minutes.

Sean: Well, we haven't

got a choice, have we?

Kate: I thought you said we were

picking up a car at the airport?

Scott: This is the airport.

Kate: No, the airport

is three miles away.

This is a deserted parking lot.

Scott: At least I

found us a car Kate.

It was either this

or an '81 Chevette.

Kate: Hey Scott, did the

Chevette have a stick shift?

Scott: Stick?

I'm going to do it Kate, just

you're making me nervous.

Kate: Okay, okay, okay. Clutch.

Scott: Would you take your hand

off the stick shift please?

Kate: Just, just, just -

Scott: I can do this. I'm a

grown up. [car screetching]

I'm a man okay?

Kate: Fine. Do it. We'll

just spend the night here.

Scott: Oh fine that's

very encouraging.

Kate: Look, just clutch and gas.

Scott: I know that.

Kate: Clutch. You're

tearing up the transmission.

Scott: Look, just leave me

alone and let me drive will you?

Peg: Seamus, hurry up.

Children should be here soon.

Mmm.

Jeanne: Mom says the new

house is very modern.

I wonder what it looks like.

Sean: Honey, Mom's

idea of modern is built

after the Civil w*r.

Jackie: You know the Michaels

went skiing this Christmas.

Can't we do that instead?

Jeanne: No, we can't.

[Unintelligible]

trip to the hospital.

Sean: They made me an offer.

Sarah: Dad, about Santa Claus.

Jackie: And I'm not

kissing Grandpa this year.

He's got bad breath.

Jeanne: Jackie stop it.

Jackie: But it's true.

I'm not kissing Grandpa.

Sean: It's Dr. Fitzgerald.

Can you page Dr. Ralph

with Pediatric Oncology?

Jeanne: I don't

care if it's true.

You kiss your grandfather

or you're in trouble.

Now settle down.

Sarah: Can we get a puppy?

Sean: I'm checking the

bloodwork on Elizabeth Westley.

Jeanne: Animals don't

fit in Santa's sleigh.

Peg: You're alone I see.

Did you call him like I said?

Meghan: Yes, Mom. I called

David and left a message

on his machine. Okay?

Peg: Don't worry. He'll

come. Nothing's so bad that

it can't be worked out.

Every marriage has

its little problems.

Brian: Has its little

problems. Leave her alone.

Hi sis.

Meghan: Hi.

Brian: Oh shit!

Peg: Brian, watch your mouth.

Meghan: Is Shannon coming

for Christmas this year?

Peg: No, but she sent us a

Christmas card from Seattle.

A new boyfriend, job

at a coffee shop.

Brian: Good God, is she going to

be the hornery teenager forever?

Peg: Brian she's

had a hard time.

Brian: Oh come on Mom.

You've given that kid

everything she ever wanted.

Meghan: Oh, saw your

Law and Order episode

last week. It was great.

Seamus: You made a

spectacular corpse.

Brian: Thanks Dad.

Seamus: Is it in the shed?

Peg: Did you say hello

to your daughter?

Seamus: Hello daughter.

Meghan: Now what's

that all about?

Peg: Oh! Here they are!

Meghan: What?

Peg: Oh! It's so

good to see you!

Sean: This place! Mom!

Meg!

Peg: Oh hi! My little angels!

Brian: Good to see you man.

Sean: How long

have you been here?

Brian: Too long.

Jeanne: Hey, the place

is so interesting.

Sean: Are you okay?

Really?

Meghan: Yeah.

[screaming]

Jeanne: How are you?

[everyone talking at once]

Seamus: It's not in the shed.

Sean: Hey Dad. What's going on?

Seamus: Women and holidays.

I'd rather be working.

Jackie: Hi Grandpa.

Seamus: Jackie!

Brian: I know. It's

called halitosis and

he was supposed to talk

to his doctor about it.

Peg: Sean, Jeanne come on.

I'll show you the house.

Brian, Seamus get the rest of

the bags and bring them inside.

Jeanne: How are you?

Meghan: Good, good.

Brian: Dad, you have cat breath.

Either it's something

serious or that corned

beef addiction of yours.

Seamus: Of all people

to be diagnosing me.

That corned beef was reviewed by

News Day's dining critic in '78.

He gave it four chef's hats.

Brian: Yadda, yadda, yadda. It

put Fitzgerald's Pub on the map,

but whoever heard of a phony

Irish bar serving good food?

Seamus: That phony Irish

bar allowed you to spend

seven years in drama school

so you could be a waiter

at Howard Johnson.

Besides the Irish

are great cooks.

Brian: Yeah? Name me

one great Irish chef.

Seamus: I said cooks, real food.

Not that namby pamby

crap they serve today.

Would you believe that

last week at the Knights

of Columbus luncheon

they served us a salad

with flowers in it?

Brian: You still haven't

named me one great Irish chef.

Seamus: Seamus and Peg

Fitzgerald. There's two.

Brian: When your family has been

in America for over a century

you don't count.

Seamus: I'm as

Irish as the next -

Brian: The next third

generation American.

Peg: Sean and Jeanne said the

living room is very modern.

Isn't that a nice thing to say?

Seamus: What a waste

of money that room was.

Jeanne: Four bedrooms?

Peg, why so big?

Peg: I intended to have room

for all the grandchildren

I was supposed to have.

Brian: One down three to go Mom.

Jeanne: I've already

made my contribution

to the grandchild fund.

Peg: Two children is

not a family Jeanne.

It's just a start,

and you're so young.

You have perfect hips

for child bearing dear.

Sean: We're happy

with just two Mom.

Besides I don't want to be

coaching baseball when I'm 60.

Peg: 60 my backside.

Seamus: Tony Randall fathered

children at 77 and 79.

Anthony Quinn was 80.

Peg: Well I had

Shannon when I was 42.

Sean: Exactly.

Peg: Sean, I don't

understand you.

First she doesn't take

your name and now you're

only having two children?

Sean: Mother!

Brian: Yeah, what kind

of man are you anyway.

You know, I expect

more from my brother.

Peg: Probably using birth

control too. God forgive them.

Jeanne: Why couldn't they retire

to Florida like normal people.

Jackie: This is a disaster.

Sean: Mom, you didn't?

Seamus: Indeed she did.

Peg: I have been saying

for years that all this

family does when we

get together is

watch sports on TV.

So I've done it.

The TV is gone.

This year we are going

to behave like a family.

Brian: You know we could

go to McGillicutty's

and watch the game.

Seamus: Ah she'd find us though.

She's like God almighty;

she knows everything.

Peg: Meghan, get me the milk.

I need it for the potatoes.

Jeanne: Peg, why don't you let

us buy you an electric mixer?

Peg: Nonsense, I

do it with love.

They taste better that way.

I saw that.

If you'd just watch me maybe

you'd hold on to David.

Jeanne: How late do you

think Kate is going to be?

Peg: Oh, you know

Kate she'll be along.

Besides this is just a

little something I've whipped

up at the last minute.

Sean: Oh mom you

threw that together?

Jeanne usually throws

together macaroni and cheese.

When I come home late

from the hospital and I

don't call to tell her

I'll be late, causing

the filet mignon she was

going to serve to become

overcooked and in a desparate

attempt to feed her family she

whips together a

little macaroni -

I'm just going to stop now.

Jeanne: Nice try.

Peg: Come on now Jeanne,

you can do better than that.

Only two children,

both of them in school.

It's time you started

cooking again.

Well, maybe you should

take lessons first.

Meghan: Uh, Mom,

Kate, how's she doing?

Seamus: I never thought

I'd live to see the

day a daughter of mine

worked for the Alliance of

Liberal Political Organization.

Brian: The Fitzgeralds have

produced a liberal democrat.

Who'd have thunk it?

Seamus: Kennedy was a great man,

democrats were a great party

until they nominated that peanut

farmer, whatever his name was.

I can't remember names anymore.

The one that told Playboy

about lust in his heart.

Sean: Jimmy Carter.

Dad, how do you know

what he said in Playboy?

Brian: Come on Dad.

Seamus: In the closet!

Is the TV in the closet?

Peg: So, Kate is bringing

home her latest boyfriend.

Oh, pardon me she says

her significant other.

Brian: For a feminist she sure

keeps company with a lot of men.

Peg: I know what you're

implying Brian Fitzgerald and

you will be civil in my home.

You left a bit of

skin on these dear.

She better not think that

she'll be sharing her

room with this boyfriend

under my roof.

Seamus: Not in the closet.

Peg: And he's also a

bigshot with the ACLU,

and he's divorced,

but we'll talk to Father

Michael about an anullment

if it comes to that.

But what's his name?

I keep getting all her

boyfriend's names confused.

[rustling paper]

Scott Flynn.

She's finally dating

a nice Catholic boy.

All together: Amen.

[humming]

Brian: This is unbelievable.

He's eating even more now.

Sean: Dad, your doctor wants

you to watch your cholesterol.

Seamus: I am watching.

I'm 65 years old and I'm damned

if I'll change the way I eat

at this stage in my life.

Peg: You're 64.

Seamus: You see a story on

the news about some such or

another that's good for you

and then the next day

they're telling you it

causes cancer of the whoseit.

Brian: And the whoseit

would be where?

Seamus: I'll eat what I will.

Brian: Mom, I can't

believe you're going to

let him eat like that.

He's going to have a heart

att*ck right here at the table.

Peg: Well it's not healthy

to be a vegetarian either.

Brian: Actually,

it's very healthy.

You see animals -

Seamus: Are delicious.

I love them.

Meghan: Sean, you do know

the Heimlich maneuver right?

[pager beeping]

Jeanne: You planned that.

Sean: I did not.

It's the hospital.

Seamus: I'm thinking

about planting a sycamore

out back, maybe a larch,

but I don't know if a

larch grows around here.

It's from someplace out west.

Sean: No, that's okay

Dan we were just fighting

our way through dinner.

Peg: You're father's taken

an interest in horticulture.

Sean: Really?

Could you s*ab her?

I'll be right there.

Jeanne: I know

you, you gotta go.

You going to be all right?

Sean: It's one of our patients

in trouble. Dan asked me -

Jeanne: That's not what I asked.

Sean: Bye honey.

Jackie: Bye.

Sean: Bye sweetie.

Sarah: I need to

talk to you Daddy.

Sean: We'll talk as soon

as I get home. Okay?

Peg: But Sean!

Seamus: It's the corporal

work of mercy Peg.

Leave the boy alone.

Peg: That would drive

me crazy Jeanne.

He's very thin.

He looks so tired.

Are you feeding him well or do

you still order out too often.

Jeanne: He's been

working very hard lately.

Katie: I saw Sean leaving. Did

you drive him crazy already Ma?

Oh! That tree is fake, it's

too small and it's leaning.

Peg: Not in the house.

Katie: Wait, I need a TV.

I gotta see something on CSPAN.

Scott: Ah, well Kate

wanted me to tell you that

I'm Scott, Scott Flynn.

Uh, hi. How are you doing?

Jeanne: Hi, I'm Jeanne.

Scott: Hi Jeanne.

Nice to meet you.

Seamus: Hi Scott.

Meghan: Meghan.

Scott: Pleasure.

Brian: Brian.

Scott: Brian, hi.

Peg: Peg.

Scott: Peg, nice

to meet you too.

Wow this is great.

Katie: Okay, I give up. Hi Dad.

What room's the TV in in here?

Oh, did a FedEx

package come for me?

Wait, there is only

one room in this house.

How can you stand it?

Scott: Kate, come on.

You don't have to watch

the Congressional Woman's

Caucus Hour every week.

Kate: Okay, I give up.

Where's the TV?

Peg: You've had three

FedExes since noon and

there's no TV in the house.

Katie: What? What

do you mean no TV?

How are we going to

spend the entire weekend

together with no TV?

Meghan: We're going to talk.

Seamus: Here you go son.

Scott: Thank you.

Seamus: Scott,

where are you from?

Scott: Oregon.

Seamus: Oregon? What's

the capital of Oregon?

Peg: What part of Ireland

do your relatives come from?

North or south?

Scott: Excuse me?

Katie: In her own perverted

way my mother's trying

to ask whether your

Catholic or Protestant.

Scott: Oh, actually my mother's

Jewish and my father's Catholic.

Well they decided they'd

let me pick what religion I

wanted to be when I grew up.

So, I decided to be an atheist.

Seamus: What about larch?

They got larch in Oregon?

Scott: Larch?

Brian: Gee, I wonder

what's on cable.

Scott: I'm a satellite

man myself, 300

channels, nothing on.

[laughing]

Katie: I only watch CSPAN.

Brian: Kate, grow a life.

Peg: Let's play Scruples.

Brian: We can't play

Scruples, they're lawyers.

Scott: Oh ho ho!

Seamus: I hate that game.

Your mother always wins.

Brian, did you bring your ears?

Brian: You mean my Walkman?

Seamus: Yeah, give

me your Walkman.

Seamus: I can certainly

listen to people talk

about my game if I can't

see it in all its

technicolor glory.

Peg: Everyone else in?

Everyone: Yes.

Katie: I'm always blue.

Politics and history.

Brian: Politics and history

is orange in this set,

and Agent Scully could

you possibly spend a

weekend without your cell

phone attached to your ear?

Katie: No and science is orange.

Brian: No, we're playing with

a different set of cards.

Politics and history is orange.

Katie: Fine. Read it.

Brian: Name the town in

Massachusetts which was

thrice att*cked by Indians

in King Phillips' w*r.

Katie: Springfield.

Scott: No, it couldn't have

been Springfield it's too big.

Katie: It wasn't too

big in the 1600s.

Scott: Fine.

Katie: Springfield.

Brian: Hatfield. Mom,

Meghan your turn.

Katie: No way.

Scott: Good one. You're

good at this aren't you?

Peg: Oh dear, literature.

Meghan, that's

one for a teacher.

Meghan: Mom, they don't teach

literature in kindergarten.

Scott: Oh, this is an easy one.

Uh, what classic of

Indian dramatic literature

was presumably written

in the 2nd century BC?

Meghan: No clue.

Gone With the Wind?

Scott: That is incorrect.

The correct answer is the Nia -

Brian: Nitya Stotra. All

righty, entertainment.

Scott: Impressive.

Meghan: Okay, what famous

musical features the

song There's no Business

Like Show Business?

Seamus: Annie Get Your g*n.

Everyone: Dad!

Seamus: Back then they

really had singers on

Broadway, Ethel Merman.

They didn't even

need microphones.

Brian: Dad, that's

because they didn't have

amplified instruments

in the pit back then.

If Ethel Merman were

on stage today -

Scott: She'd look awful.

Brian: Even she would

need a microphone.

Scott: How do you

know this stuff?

Brian: I'm working on Broadway.

Scott: Really?

That is so -

Katie: Howard Johnson's,

corner of 46th and

Broadway. [phone ringing]

He's a waiter.

Scott: Interesting.

Jeanne: I'll get it.

Brian: I'm an actor. Things

have been a little dry lately.

Jeanne: Hello? Hello? No I

haven't lost my mind yet.

Give them some time.

They're already asleep.

Okay. Well, then I'll see

you when I see you I guess.

All right, I love you too. Bye.

He won't be home

until late tonight.

Peg: Must be hard on you.

Jeanne: I knew what I

was getting into when

I married a doctor.

Peg: And Lord did you

want to marry a doctor.

Jeanne: Excuse me?

Peg: I'll never forget

that day that Sean called

up and said he met this

girl in the hospital.

He was a fourth year

resident and you were a

teenage candy striper.

What were you 16?

Jeanne: 20 and I was a

nurse's aide trying to

meet my tuition bill,

not a doctor.

Brian: Jeanne met Sean

one day when she was

carrying a tray into

a patient's room and she

spilled the tray all over Sean.

[laughing]

Peg: Remember that wine

you spilled all over

Uncle Kevin last Easter?

Jeanne: Oh God.

[laughing]

Brian: Anyway, it may not be the

most romantic tale ever told,

but it sure beats barhopping

at the local Hooters.

Scott: Well Hooters ain't so -

It's a horrible sexist place.

Jeanne: Anyway we're

married, next question.

Katie: Yeah, but you

should have heard it when

Sean called and said that

he'd asked you to marry him.

Mom thought you were knocked up.

Peg: I thought no such thing.

Katie: Oh yes you did.

Peg: Well, we were all very

relieved when you weren't.

Although I'd have another

grandchild then wouldn't I?

Brian: Allrighty then

entertainment, again.

Scott: Okay, what song does this

lyric come from, We Don't Need -

Seamus: The Wall.

Is the TV hidden in the the

wall closet by the bathroom?

Katie: That counts.

Jeanne: That does not count.

Katie: Yes, it does.

Brian: Then we get a -

Peg: The Wall -

[everyone talking]

Peg: Meghan and Kate

will sleep in the first

bedroom on the left.

Katie: Mom, Scott and I

are going to share a room.

Peg: Not under my roof.

Brian: Fornication,

F-O-R-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N,

fornication.

Katie: Mother this

is ridiculous.

Scott: That's fine

Mrs. Fitzgerald.

Peg: And Brian and

Scott will sleep in the

first room on the right.

Now, there's a little sky

light in there and it may

wake you up a little bit early

in the morning, but it's right

next to the master bedroom.

Brian: Oh God, not next to you.

Seamus: Wear your earplugs.

Brian: My earplugs only

reduce sound up to 30

decibels, and when you're

sleeping next to the

Concord that ain't much.

Peg: Your father doesn't snore.

Seamus: He was

speaking of you Peg.

Peg: I don't snore.

Seamus: Darlin' the sound coming

out of your nose would tumble

the Great Wall of China.

[doorbell]

Peg: Now who could that

be? It's almost 11:00.

David!

We've been waiting for you.

Hey! David!

Seamus: Can I get

you a sandwich?

Brian: Can I fix you a drink?

Meghan: So glad you came.

David: Yeah.

Peg: Oh, oh dear. Now

we'll have to redo the

sleeping arrangements again.

David: No, no. Don't change

anything on my account.

I'll sleep on the couch.

Peg: Oh fine.

I'll just go get

you some blankets.

Jeanne: Yeah, well I think

I'm going to h*t the sack too.

Katie: Night.

Meghan: Night.

Katie: Scott. Scott!

Scott: Huh? Oh.

Good night.

Meghan: Night.

Thanks.

Peg: Good night.

David: Night.

Meghan: Night Mom.

Meghan: David, I'm really

glad you came. I hope -

David: Meghan stop.

I don't want to talk now.

I need to figure out whether

I want to stay at all.

Meghan: Oh. Okay.

Um, I guess good night then.

David: Good night.

Katie: I hate this house.

I don't know why they couldn't

have just stayed in the old one.

They only moved

ten minutes away.

Meghan: They bought this

house so Dad wouldn't have

to go up and down the stairs.

He refuses to have

that hip replacement.

You know that so stop

being a smartass.

Katie: My, my you and David

must be having the troubles.

Meghan: Yeah.

Katie: Well come on.

You can't just leave

me in suspense.

Meghan: Yeah, I can.

Katie: Even after you

stole him from me?

Meghan: You know, you went out

with him twice in high school

for pete's sake, Kate.

Katie: Well, looks like he

should have stuck with me.

Meghan: Oh! That's it!

I'm sick of you already.

I'm going to go sleep

in Brian's room.

Katie: You can come out now.

Just make sure you're out

of here before my mother

wakes up and checks in on me.

Scott: Why bother, Kate.

I'm sure she knows.

Kate: My mother and

the Spanish Inquisition

have a lot in common.

Now go to sleep.

Scott: Sleep tight dear.

Seamus: That's my boy.

I always loved you

more than the others.

Sean: I took it from

the doctor's lounge.

Seamus: Put it over there

in the basement. I'll

hide it with my tools.

Your mother will never see it.

Sean: Dad, what are you

eating at 4:00 in the morning?

Seamus: Swedish

meatballs. You want some?

Sean: Sure, why not?

How old are these meatballs?

Seamus: Not old at all.

They're left over from

Thanksgiving at Uncle Kevin's.

Sean: You must have

a cast iron stomach.

Seamus: Here, I made the

corned beef yesterday.

So how's your patient?

Sean: Not well.

Dad, what would you say if

I told you I was thinking

about leaving my practice

and going into research?

Seamus: Why would you do that?

Sean: My psychiatrist

would say that I'm joining

the ranks of the b*rned

out pediatric oncologists.

Seamus: Your psychiatrist?

Sean: Yeah.

Seamus: You knew when

you specialized you were

getting into a tough field.

Sean: Yeah, well I

was an idealist then.

Somewhere along the line

I lost my God complex.

Seamus: I wanted you

to be a plastic surgeon

to the stars myself.

Actually, you're my

first born son. I wanted

you to be a priest.

Sean: I'm asking

your advice here.

Seamus: Sean, I don't have

any advice to give you.

I own a pub.

You're a doctor, you save lives.

You make a damn good

living for your family.

Goodnight son.

Jackie: What are

those? Is that candy?

Kate: Yeah, you

could call it that.

Jeanne: Why don't you go

find your father okay?

Go.

Kate, if you ever show

those to my daughter again

I'll tell your mother.

Jackie: Dad, wake up, wake up.

Mom said you'd take me to

get my ears pierced today.

She said it was a

Christmas gift. Really.

Sean: Honey.

Jackie: Yeah?

Sean: I'm tired. Not stupid.

Jackie: But Dad.

Peg: Have you fed

them breakfast yet?

Sean: No Mom I'm

just getting up.

Peg: Oh goodness Sean.

It's almost 9:00.

They're growing children

they need their breakfast.

What is Jeanne thinking?

Brian: Yeah Sean whatever is

the matter with your wife?

Breakfast at 8:00 am.

Oh, by the way Dad told me about

the the TV in the basement.

I have never been so proud

to have you as a brother.

Good guy.

Sean: I'm going to

take a shower now.

Jackie: Hey, Uncle Brian

will you take me to the

mall to get my ears pierced?

Sean: Jackie I heard that!

Brian: [laughing]

[doorbell]

Brian: Oh, thanks.

Shannon: I split up with my

boyfriend. I left Seattle

and I thought I'd come

see the new house and

I was wondering if

it'd be okay if I came

home to stay this time and

this house is interesting.

Peg: Of course you can dear.

I've been so worried about you.

Sean: Here we go again.

Brian: Merry

Christmas everybody.

What Shannon, your new

boyfriend throw you out?

Peg: Quiet Brian.

Shannon, come have breakfast.

Brian: So Kate how are

things over at Alpo?

Paying for the defenses of

any husband K*llers lately?

Spending any more of our

valuable tax dollars on

issues of earth shattering

importance like transexual

prostitution in Singapore?

Kate: It's not called Alpo Brian

and transexual prostitution -

Peg: Is not a topic

for conversation at

my breakfast table.

Now, let's talk about

something pleasant.

Seamus: All these

atheists in Oregon, Scott,

where do they live?

Peg: Oh, for pete's sake.

Scott: Actually my mom

and stepdad moved us up

to a commune in Oregon

when I was just a teenager.

Peg: Oh, you're

from a broken home?

Kate: Mom, mind

your own business.

Meghan: Can we change

the subject please?

Scott: A broken Winnebago

is more like it.

They were all hippies

before it was popular.

Seamus, could you

pass the eggs please?

Peg: So, do you think

your parents divorce

had anything to do with

the breakup of your

first marriage?

Scott: No, I think it

was my wife's girlfriend

that caused my first

marriage to be unsuccesful.

My second marriage, however -

Peg: [coughing]

Sean: Hey mouse what's up?

What's wrong?

Sarah: Well, at home the other

day Jackie told me that -

Kurt: Shannon!

Sean: You know what I already

made my contribution to the

Save the MTV Generation.

Thanks anyway.

Shannon, I think that's for you.

[knocking]

Kurt: Shannon!

Sean: Listen -

Sarah: I know, I know

why don't I go and play.

Shannon: Stop shaking your head

at me. You're not my father.

Brian: Oh no. Not him.

Sean: Who is this guy?

Should we know him?

Brian: Remember when Shannon

had that pregnancy scare?

Right before she took

off for the second time?

Sean: How could I forget?

Mom lit enough candles

to burn the church down.

Brian: Yeah, and remember the

weird neighbors, the Zanders,

the freaks next door who

put up so many Christmas

decorations that people

still drive over just

to make fun of them.

Sean: Mrs. Zander, the

woman who used to come to

the door in her lingerie

when we had the paper route.

Brian: Oh, yeah. Remember that?

Anyway, he is their son.

Kurt: I never wanted to break

up. I'm so glad you came home.

Shannon: I didn't come

home to be with you Kurt.

Kurt: Then why'd you come home?

Shannon: Look, it's complicated.

Kurt: What do you

mean it's complicated?

I haven't seen you in months.

You took off without

saying goodbye or anything.

Shannon: Look, I just came home.

I just walked in the door,

my family is all there.

Kurt: You've just got to

give me a few minutes.

Shannon: I don't know.

Meghan: David, we have to talk.

David: I'm all ears.

Meghan: I don't know

what more I can say other

than it was a mistake,

and I'm sorry.

And I really want us to

work things out because

I still love you.

David: Well, then all

our problems are solved.

Do you think it's that simple?

Meghan: I didn't say that I

thought it was that simple.

David: Meghan,

you had an affair.

You broke my heart, all

the usual cliches apply.

Meghan: And I don't know what

I can do to make us work again.

David: Neither do I.

Meghan: Do you even want to try?

David: I thought I did.

Meghan: Then why

did you come here?

To embarass me in front

of my whole family?

So that all my brothers and

sisters could have their

say on the sorry state

of our marriage, or was

it just because I asked?

David: Yes, Meghan it was.

Hard as that is for

you to believe, I came

because you called

and asked me to.

Maybe someday I'll learn

to stop jumping when you

say jump, but it's a hard

habit to break.

For one of us anyway.

Meghan: That is not fair.

David: [sighs]

Meghan: Great. The

silent treatment again.

You know, if you weren't so -

Gosh darn insular I never

would have looked at somebody

else in the first place.

David: Is that why you

cheated? Because I'm quiet?

Meghan: Quiet?

David it's got nothing

to do with quiet.

It's the way you act like

everything bad that's ever

happened to us is my fault.

David: Oh, I can't believe

that you're finding

a way to blame your

sleeping with another man on me.

Meghan: I am not

blaming you Dave, I'm -

David: If things were

so bad in our marriage

why didn't you just -

Meghan: Talk to you?

David: Right.

Meghan: You mean

like we're doing now?

David, you wouldn't

even listen to me.

Until the night that

I told you about that

stupid irresponsible fling

that I had and it

didn't last anyway.

David: It did't last?

Well for God's sakes

Meghan. You told me it

lasted for three months,

or do you want to

revise that now too?

It wasn't just a fling. It

was a lot more than that.

[sad music]

Jeanne: Oh please

Kate, everybody knows

how you cook pasta.

Water, boil, add pasta.

What do you make for dinner

when you're home alone?

Kate: Reservations.

Kurt: Don't you remember?

We were going to open up

an aroma therapy supply

store in Massapequa?

Shannon: I wanted to go

to Sri Lanka and work

with the Dalai Lama.

Kurt: But the Dalai

Lama is in Bangladesh.

Kate: India.

Kurt: No the Dalai

lives in Bangladesh.

Peg: Meghan, I saw you

talking to David. How'd it go?

Sean: Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Scott: You're the doctor?

I need a drink.

Sean: Hey! That's Sarah's

Barbie dream house.

Scott: Nothing like an

ultra sissy toy under

the Christmas tree

to warm the cockles

of your heart.

Brian: He cheated on her.

That's why they're separated.

Yeah, David cheated on Meghan.

Sean: That's too bad.

Brian: Don't you

want to do something?

Don't you want to talk to him?

Sean: No.

Seamus: Brian, it's your

sister's business, not yours

and certainly not ours.

Brian: But she's our sister.

Seamus: Brian, trust

us. We're married men.

We've learned our lesson.

Mind your own business.

Brian: Why are you all so calm?

Have you ever?

Sean: No.

Brian: You didn't know

what I was going to ask.

Sean: [laughing] Oh yes I did.

Seamus: No.

Halftime.

Scott: May I?

Brian: What about you?

Scott: What about me what?

Brian: Have you

ever had an affair?

Kurt: Huh? I'm not married.

Brian: Not you Einstein.

Kurt: Kurt. I changed

my name from Howard

after Kurt Cobain died.

Kind of a tribute.

Brian: I know your name Howie.

I used to smash your

pumpkins every Halloween.

I was talking to Scott.

Scott: Well, now

that you mention it.

That's why marriage

number two fell apart.

Seamus: And to

think I liked you.

Here.

Kurt: All right.

How come the Beverly

Hillbillies is on PBS?

Brian: That's the Grapes

of Wrath Kissinger.

Kurt: Kurt.

Sean: Dr. Fitzgerald.

I just received a page.

Hi Rick.

Damn.

I'm leaving now. I'll be

there in maybe half an hour.

Yeah.

Sorry it's one of

my patients there.

Jeanne: Go.

[kiss]

Sean: I'll be fine.

Jeanne: Sean.

Sean: I said I'm fine.

Jeanne: No you're not fine.

Did you get a chance

to talk to Sarah?

Sean: When have I had

time to talk to Sarah?

Jeanne: Great.

Sean: Honey, we can't have

this discussion now. I've

got to get to the hospital.

There's no time for this.

Jeanne: There's no time to

talk to your own daughter?

Sean: What about that

little girl at the hospital?

Jeanne: Okay. What

do I say to that?

[door slams]

[phone ringing]

Sean: Fitzgerald.

Oh no.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Right.

See you Monday.

Kate: Like all these stay at

home mothers? Look at Jeanne.

All these soccer moms

just do not get it.

Where are they going to be

when their husbands leave them

for some trophy wife and

they've got to get back

into the job market?

Jeanne: Where did you get

all this garbage you're

filling your brain with?

Peg: You need to use

more frosting dear.

In my day the mothers

didn't have any choice

but to stay home.

Jeanne: Actually, I'm going

back to teaching next year.

Peg: And our children

benefitted from it.

Jeanne is doing the right

thing staying at home,

at least until her girls

are in high school.

What was that you said dear?

Jeanne: Nothing.

Peg: But I hardly think you can

describe Jeanne as conservative.

Kate: She's a hell of

a lot closer to Betty

Crocker than Betty Friedan.

Peg: Betty Crocker?

I don't think so dear.

Really now? She didn't even

take her husband's name.

Jeanne: Peg, I did

take Sean's name.

I'm Jeanne Quinn-Fitzgerald.

Peg: That's hardly

taking his name dear.

Kate: And hardly

keeping your own.

Jeanne: I hate

these conversations.

Kate: And when 50% of

all marriages end in

divorce, keeping your own

identity is so important.

I mean look at Meghan.

What is Meghan going to do?

She's a kindergarten

teacher for God's sake.

That's hardly a career.

Jeanne: Who says it isn't?

Kate: And now she's splitting

up with her husband.

Or Shannon. Now there's a case.

She didn't even

finish high school.

What is she going to do?

And what are you going

to do with her Mom?

Are you just going to

take care of her forever?

Jeanne: What about you?

Kate: What about me?

Jeanne: Well you've

deconstructed everybody

else in the family.

Now, let's psychoanalyize you.

What's the deal with Scott?

Meghan: Yeah, what ist

he deal with Scott?

Peg: Yes Kate. I really do feel

I must speak to you about Scott.

Kate: I know. I

know Mom. I know.

He's a twice divorced

atheist and so we

should all just shun him

or rend our clothes or

whatever the Catholic

equivalent of that is.

Peg: I'm very hurt by that Kate.

I only have your best

interests at heart.

Kate: Oh boy. Here we go.

Peg: He is a divorced man

who doesn't believe in God.

Kate: You know it's amazing how

quickly the conversation turns

to religion around here.

Peg: And why shouldn't we?

God sees everything Kate.

Kate: You know I don't

mind if God sees, Mom.

It's you that I mind.

See God doesn't give me that,

"How could you possibly I'm

so disappointed in you,"

eyes welling up with

tears lower lip quivering

thing that you do so well.

Peg: I'm sorry if it

offends you Katherine Mary.

But I raised my children

to believe in everything

that you have seen fit

to spend your entire

personal and professional

life trying to degrade.

Kate: Oh come on,

give me one example.

Peg: Eighth grade graduation

from Saint Killian's.

You were the valedictorian.

Your entire speech implored

the church to rethink its

views about the all-male

priesthood.

Kate: Well it should.

Peg: High school prom.

You organized a sit in

against Sacred Heart's

refusal to allow condoms

in the nurse's office.

I was not pleased to have to go

down to the Westbury Holiday Inn

to negotiate with you about the

hostile takeover of room 124.

Kate: Mom, that really

didn't have anything

to do with condoms.

Peg: Law school graduation.

Again, you were

the valedictorian.

You spent your entire

speech berating the

university trustees about

their record of investing

in South Africa.

Kate: And they divested

the very next week.

Peg: Sometimes I have felt

like Jane Fonda's mother.

And yes, yes it does hurt me.

And yes, I am disapointed,

but not in you.

In your choices.

Kate: Oh come on.

You're just angry I don't

go to church anymore,

and don't worry.

I'm going to mass

with you tonight.

Peg: Oh, don't do me any favors.

Kate: You know I have never

done anything that I regret.

Jeanne: Not even throwing

your bra on stage at

that Bee Gees concert

back in 1976?

Kate: What?

Who told you that?

That never happened.

There was no bra.

It was a bikini top.

Jeanne: Oh! Boy do you

belong in politics.

[phone ringing]

Meghan: Oh come on.

Everybody knows about that.

[phone ringing]

Jeanne: Hello?

Oh Dr. Reid.

No, I thought he

was at the hospital.

Peg: Meghan, you

should have a baby.

That way you'd hold onto David.

Meghan: I don't think so Mom.

Jeanne: I'll be back in a

while. Somebody watch my kids.

Peg: But Christmas Eve dinner.

Jeanne: I'll be back.

Meghan I'm taking your car.

Meghan: Okay.

Peg: What has gotten

into these people?

Kurt: Can I ask you

another question?

Scott: Mm-hmm.

Kurt: You're a lawyer right?

Scott: Well, I have a law

degree. I don't practice law.

Kurt: Well, that's cool.

What I want to ask is,

you know mattress tags?

Scott: Mattress tags?

Kurt: Yeah.

If I pull off one of those

mattress tags, am I breaking

the law or something?

Scott: Yes, Kurt. In

fact, it's a violation

of US Code, Section 1234,

the Posturepedic

Protection Act of 1954.

Justice Department

takes it very seriously.

It's a felony.

Kurt: Oh man! I'm a felonist.

Scott: Your secret's

safe with me.

Seamus: Ah cheese and crackers.

Brian, I've been meaning

to talk with you.

It's been a long time since

you brought a girl around here.

Brian: Dad, the last time

I brought a girl home

Mom kept questioning her

about whether she wanted to

have a big family or not.

Seamus: That's a fair question.

Brian: We'd only been

dating three weeks.

David: What's the score?

Scott: 34-10, Alabama.

David: Need any help?

Seamus: Nope, we're doing

just fine here. Thanks.

David: Ah.

[can opening]

Scott: So, you

used to date Kate?

David: I went out with Kate a

couple of times in high school.

We broke up when I asked

her if we could go steady.

Scott: Mm.

David: She said she'd

never belong to any man.

Scott: [laughing]

Yep, that's my Kate.

Davd: Mm-hmm, but don't

let her hear you say that.

Scott: No, no, no.

[laughing]

Funny, I can't picture

you and Kate together,

even in high school.

David: Me neither.

[laughing]

Scott: Come to think of it,

sometimes I can't picture

me and Kate together.

You know what I mean?

David: Yeah, I think we

all know what you mean.

Scott: But I love her.

So, any tips about this family

you'd care to share with me?

David: Run like hell.

Scott: No, I mean it.

David: [laughing] So do I.

Scott, you can't marry

into this family.

You have to be born into it,

otherwise just hang on tight,

keep your arms and

legs inside the car.

Don't ask me. I'm

just passing through.

[birds]

Jeanne: Hi stranger.

Sean: Hi.

Jeanne: I thought

I'd find you here.

Sean: She was only 7 years old.

Jeanne: I know.

Dr. Ried called looking for you.

Sean: Go ahead and say it.

Jeanne: Whoever you are

and whatever your plan

is, I want to know where

you're hiding my husband.

Sean: Jeanne.

Jeanne: He looks a lot

like you, only he smiles

more and he likes his work,

and he's not distant and

distracted around his family.

Sean: Guilty as charged.

Is this what a midlife

crisis feels like?

Jeanne: I wouldn't know.

I'm not there quite yet.

You're scaring me, Sean.

Sean: I can't do

this anymore Jeanne.

I go to the hospital

and I dread being there

because every parent that I

look at could be us

and every child that I

look at could be ours.

And I give them my

standard speech about the

great advances we've made

in treating childhood cancer and

how so many of them will go on

to lead normal lives

when I know that too many

of them won't because

none of our advances are enough.

Then I go to the office

and I fight with an HMO

who won't allow bone marrow

transplant because they've

decided that anything more

complex than a drive thru

tonsillectomy is an

experimental procedure,

when I know and they know

that an experimental

procedure is the best chance

that some of these kids

are going to get.

And then I dread going

home because everyone

there knows that

Daddy's in a bad mood

again and that he treats

his patients better

than he does his family.

And I tell myself I'll

be a better father and

a better husband and

then I wake up the next

day and nothing's changed.

I'm still, at best, a

halfway decent husband and a

sometimes attentive father.

I still have patients dying

on Christmas Eve, and I

don't know how to change it.

I got into medicine

to change it.

Jeanne: Always the idealist.

I love you for that you know?

Sean: If I leave my practice

our lifestyle is going to

have to change, drastically.

Jeanne: Well if my options

are a smaller house,

or an unhappy husband

I'll take the smaller house.

Sean: In Rochester, Minnesota?

I don't now.

It sounds like

Pennsyltucky to me.

Jeanne: Sean, anything

west of Hackensack sounds

like Pennsyltucky to me.

Sean: The clinic wants

an answer on Monday.

I'm going to have to think

some more about this.

Jeanne: All right. Hey, do

me a favor and think at home.

You're mother will have

my head on a platter if

we're not back by supper.

Sean: Marry me again?

Jeanne: Anytime.

[kiss]

Kurt: Hey.

Shannon: Kurt, what do you want?

Kurt: Marry me?

Shannon: For the third time, no.

Kurt: Well, what

are you going to do?

Shannon: I have no idea.

Get a job at McDonalds

or something.

Kurt: That's cool.

What about me?

Shannon: Kurt, just go back to

whatever it was you were doing.

Kurt: I can get a job you know.

I can support you.

I can get a job at Dairy

Queen and we can buy

a house or something.

Shannon: I want to know

how to support myself.

Maybe then my brothers

and sisters won't

treat me like dirt.

Kurt: Maybe they treat you

like dirt because you don't

respect them very much.

Shannon: What would

you know about it?

I know we're not back together.

Kurt: Well then can I just

kind of like hang out here,

like Darlene's ex-boyfriend

did on Rosanne?

Peg: Meghan, that's

now how you make gravy.

Meghan: No Mom that's

not how you make gravy.

It's how I make gravy.

Don't worry about it.

Brian: No Kate I'm

telling you you're wrong.

Kate: I am not wrong.

Seamus: Where's the salt?

Peg: Seamus, it's on the

second shelf where it's

been since we moved in.

Seamus: No, it isn't.

Kate: Do you make this stuff up?

Kurt: So, everybody - Everybody!

I was wondering if it'd be

okay if I kind of stayed

here a while even though

Shannon and I aren't like

together or anything.

Kates: You're nuts.

You're dreaming.

Peg: Somebody take the

dessert out of the freezer.

And have it defrost.

Where's David:

Meghan: I don't know

Mom, around I think.

Mom, knock it off!

Brian: I'm telling you

Kate two of them were not

mentioned in the song.

Sean: I can't stand

this right now.

I'm going to call the hospital.

Jeanne: I'll go

check on the girls.

Seamus: Where's the salt?

Peg: Seamus Fitzgerald,

look for it.

Don't just stand

there asking me.

Brian: The Professor

and Maryanne must have

had really bad agents.

Kate: Well at least

they had agents Brian.

All together: Amen.

Peg: I'm sorry we have to

rush dinner, but we have

to be at church at 8:00.

Brian: Mom, I know midnight mass

is crowded, but don't you think

leaving four hours

early is a bit extreme?

Jeanne: It's at 8:00?

Seamus: Houliganism.

They had a problem last year at

midnight mass with houligans.

It was the choir.

Peg: Seamus it was not funny.

Seamus: They had a

Christmas party before mass,

came in drunk and sang

Grandma got run over by a

reindeer for the processional.

[laughing]

Father Michael was very

displeased and he moved

midnight mass to 8:00.

Peg: It was sacrilegious.

Seamus: Too many

Italians in the choir.

Christmas Eve is a big

thing for them you know.

Brian: What does being

Italian have to do with it?

Peg: So, will you be going to

midnight mass with us Scott?

Kate: Of course.

Scott: I don't think so.

Kate: Yes Scott, you will.

Scott: Hey, why would

I be going to mass?

Kate: Because it's Christmas.

Scott: Kate, Christmas to

me is an afternoon at the

multiplex and dinner at

Szechuan Kitchen.

Kate: Welcome to the family.

You're going to church.

Scott: And why are you going?

You're a pro birth control,

pro abortion, pro assisted

su1c1de, anti tuition tax credit

anti marriage liberal who's

living with a divorced atheist.

Seamus: You're living in sin?

Brian: Oh, couldn't

be. She's Irish.

Seamus: That's true.

Brian: It is not true.

We are not Irish,

we just pretend.

Shannon: [laughing]

Sean: Shannon cut it out.

Shannon: Cut out what?

You're looking a little

worn out there doc.

Is being the best loved,

first born son getting to you?

Sean: You know since we're

talking about living in sin dad,

look no further than

your darling Shannon.

She sleeps with Freud thinks

she's pregnant and she

runs off to God knows where

only pop up again here

on Christmas Eve with -

Brian: Einstein,

Churchill, Thomas Edison.

Sean: Thomas Edison in tow.

Kurt: Kurt.

Shannon: You're not my

father Sean. He is. And

don't make fun of Kurt.

Sean: I'm not talking about Kurt

Shannon. I'm talking about you.

While we're on the subject, what

would possess someone to change

their name to honor a

drug addled rock star who

blew his own brains out?

Kurt: He was my

generation's martyred saint.

Shannon: You're just jealous.

Sean: Of what?

Brian: I just love

Christmas with the family.

Pacem in terris.

Jeanne: Brian,

you live for this.

You've always been

the instigator.

Brian: Well excuse me miss

perfect hyphenated homemaker.

Jeanne: You think

my life is perfect?

My brain is turning to

mush while my husband

works an 18-hour day,

six days a week, and

I sit at PTA meetings

trying to make decisions

like whether or not we should

have a bake sale or a poinsettia

sale. [talking over Sean]

Or whether or not

we should paint the

cafeteria teal or maroon.

That's the perfect life?

Brian: Okay, don't talk

to me. Not after what

you did to my sister.

David: Who me?

Brian: Yes you.

Scott: I thought you said

you had to be born into this?

Brian: And you who admit to your

girlfriend's father and brothers

that you cheated on

your second wife.

You had an affair with

some tramp yourself.

Kate: Hey, that tramp

you're talking about is me.

David: You think that

I cheated on her?

Did you tell them

that I had an affair?

Meghan: I didn't

tell them anything.

I didn't tell them that

I couldn't have children

and he wouldn't even talk

to me about it when

all I really needed was

your shoulder to cry on.

And I sure as hell did

not tell anybody that

anybody had an affair.

It's true.

Only, I'm the one that

had the affair Brian.

Not David.

It was me.

Seamus: Would you

please pass the gravy?

Peg: Nobody is

passing any gravy.

I don't want to know

what commandments

you've broken this week.

And I don't want to

hear anymore about which

of the seven deadlies

you've committed lately.

And I don't want to hear

anymore about this ugly

house that we've moved into

because we're getting older and

it's not so easy to move around.

Because we both know that the

next step is one of those horrid

little retirement communities

in Florida where every pharmacy

sells more adult diapers than

baby diapers and there's a

Pancake House on every

corner serving earlybird

dinners until 6:00.

So, while I can I am

trying my best to give

you a pleasant Christmas,

which isn't as easy as it

used to be when I was younger

and I had more energy.

So I want you all to

calm down, to shut up

and to eat the gosh damn

Christmas Eve dinner

I've worked so hard on.

Now then.

What did you think of that

breakin at the US Embassy

in Manila last week Scott?

Scott: It was terrible.

Peg: Yes.

Scott: Terrible.

Sean: Are you going

to smile for me?

Sarah: How will Santa

know that we're here?

He thinks that

we're at our house.

Jeanne: I told you.

Santa is very smart.

Brian: That's right Sarah.

Santa is a Mensa member.

Jeanne: Let's go get that apple.

[door opens and closes]

Meghan: He left.

Brian: Meghan, I am so sorry.

Meghan: It's all

right. It's all right.

You guys would have

found out anyway.

It'd have to come out

Catholic guilt and all.

Sarah: For the

reindeer. Don't eat.

Brian: You are just like

Mom and Dad except for

they had that spotlight

on top of their Super8 camera.

Meghan: You know, I think you

have reindeer apple duty Brian.

Brian: I can't believe

I'm doing this.

Meghan: I don't know what I'm

going to do without him Brian.

I always thought we'd

stay together forever

and have a bunch of kids,

and I'd stay home like Mom.

When we found out I couldn't

have children, it just -

Brian: Adopt.

Meghan: I know, we

could adopt, but do you

remember Laura Daniels?

Brian: Mm-hmm.

Meghan: About a year

ago they adopted a baby

and the birth parents

took them to court and

they took the baby back.

I just couldn't -

I can't go through that.

Brian: Hey, that's a risk

you're going to have to take.

Meghan: I know.

I guess I should have thought of

that before I started having -

Brian: Please. You're my sister.

Don't conjure up any

unsavory visual images.

Meghan: I guess I have

to go face the music huh?

Brian: Meghan.

Meghan: What?

Brian: Does this look

like reindeer bites?

Meghan: Oh my God.

I think it looks pretty good.

Brian: All right.

Kurt: I'm not high in

the mountaintop and it's

not weird and boring.

If you had kids would you

want to take them to church?

Shannon: I said no.

Kurt: So, if we had kids -

Shannon: We're not having kids.

Peg: Seamus, get up and eat

the cookies we left for Santa.

Seamus: Cookies.

Kurt: Just the fact that

you're talking to me

at least gives me hope.

Shannon: I'm talking

to you because there's

nobody else to talk to.

Jackie: Sarah, you

can't go out there.

Sarah: Jackie, stop it.

Sean: Brian, Brian!

Guard the hallway.

Peg: Sean, I've been meaning

to speak to you about Shannon.

You must be easier on her.

She didn't have all the

advantages that you had.

Sean: Advantages?

Before Dad took over

the pub I thought that

spam was a food group.

Peg: That's exactly what I mean.

Meghan: What are you doing?

Jeanne: Writing the girls

their letter from Santa.

Meghan: Four score

and seven years ago.

[laughing]

Jeanne: Looking for inspiration.

Meghan: I guess.

Sarah: Uncle Brian.

Brian: Hey, back to bed.

Peg: I'm sorry honey.

Everything will be all right.

I promise.

Meghan: What does she

have up her sleeve?

Sarah: Dad, I can't sleep.

Sean: Try harder.

Sarah: I still need

to talk to you.

I'm coming out there.

[yelling]

Jackie: You're not going

to read The Night Before

Christmas to us again are you?

Sean: Oh, yes I am.

Scott: You can't

write them checks.

Kate: They'll love it.

Scott: Get up.

Kate: What?

Where are we going?

Scott: The toy store's

open until midnight.

Come on.

Kate: Oh Scott.

Scott: It's Christmas dammit.

[phone ringing]

Whoever you are, whatever

you're calling about

all I have to say is,

it's Christmas dammit, go home.

Oh, and Merry

Christmas to you too.

The Secretary of State

wishes you a Merry Christmas.

Come on, let's go.

Sean: Are you sure

you won't join us?

I think she's too cool for us.

Twas the night before Christmas,

when all through the house

not a creature was

stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung by

the chimney with care in

hopes that Saint Nicholaus

soon would be there.

The children were

nestled all snug -

Over to the window, I flew

like a flash tore open the

shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon -

More rapid than eagles

his courses they came and

he whistled and shouted

and called them by name.

Now Dasher, now Dancer,

now Prancer and Vixen.

On Comet, on Cupid.

Sarah: You can stop

now. She's a sleep.

Sean: What's wrong princess?

Sarah: You have time to talk?

Sean: Yeah. I'm sorry princess

it's been a busy couple of days.

Sarah: Is there a

Santa Claus or not?

Jackie told me that there isn't.

Sean: Maybe this is

one for your mother.

Come here.

Let's see.

Jeanne: Penny for your thoughts.

Sean: We're so lucky.

Jeanne: Yeah.

Sean: Jackie told

this one about -

Jeanne: Oh.

My sister did the

same thing to me.

I guess they have to

grow up sooner or later.

Sean: Why does it always

seem like it's sooner?

Pretty soon Sarah will be after

us for pierced ears and saying -

Sean and Jeanne:

[together] Whatever!

Sean: I'm going to accept

that offer at the clinic.

Kate: Meghan.

Meghan: Hmm?

Kate: I'm sorry I

was rude last night.

Meghan: I know. Scott

was under the bed.

Kate: In the closet.

[laughing]

Kate: Why don't you marry him?

Kate: You're a funny one to

be recommending marriage.

Meghan: Why not? I made

such a success out of it.

[sighs]

Look at Sean and Jeanne.

Look at Mom and Dad,

for that matter.

Kate: I do. That's why

I don't get married.

Meghan: Funny. That's why I did.

Kate: I said something

wrong again right?

Meghan: No.

I'm just not tired.

I think I'll -

I'll go tree gaze

for a little while.

Kate: Meghan.

Meghan: What?

Kate: I'm proud of you.

Meghan: Thanks.

Night.

Kate: Night.

Peg: Hi there.

Meghan: I didn't

see you over there.

Peg: Tissue?

Meghan: No, I think I'm

okay for the time being.

What's the matter Mom?

Peg: It used to be so simple, a

bandaid, a kiss, all was better.

I was good at that.

But I'm not good at

troubled marriages and

runaways and whatever's

troubling Sean.

Meghan: Don't forget the

lawyers and the actors Mom.

Peg: Why didn't you tell

us about the problems

you were having?

Meghan: Did you really

want to know that I was

having an affair, Mom?

Peg: Well, maybe I

could have stopped it.

Meghan: [laughing] You're

a crazy old woman, Mom.

Do you think that David and I -

Peg: Meghan, don't ask me that.

Everything has changed so much.

It seems the world has

passed me by, and I don't

know what to think anymore.

Meghan: Then just tell me

everything's going to be okay.

Peg: Oh, that it will.

Somehow.

[upbeat music]

Jeanne: Too early.

Go back to bed.

Sean: Oh honey, it's too

early. Go back to bed.

Jeanne: No.

Sean: Uh-uh.

Jeanne: No.

Sean: Uh.

Jeanne: Okay. You win.

Jackie: Wake up Daddy. Wake up.

Sean: No honey, it's too

early. Go back to bed.

Jeanne: No Sean. It's 6:00.

We might as well get up.

You girls go wake

everybody else up.

Jackie: Woohoo.

[laughing]

Sean: I was hoping that

their discovery about

Santa would get us

a little extra sleep.

Jeanne: Not a chance.

Sean: [sighs]

Hey, hey, look. Oh!

Santa was here too.

Jeanne: Thank you.

[kiss]

Sean: Merry Christmas.

[kiss]

Jeanne: Merry Christmas.

Brian: I can't believe

you let them wake us up

at 6:00 in the morning.

Sean: Here we go.

Jeanne: Yep.

Kurt: Spielberg. Spielberg.

Spielberg.

Oh.

Shannon: Weirdo.

Seamus: Oh. I think I'll go

downstairs and look for that

antique model train set.

Sean: Right.

[patting]

Brian: Oh, you got it Dad.

Scott: Maybe I can help.

Excuse me darling.

Kurt: Oliver Stone.

Peg: Seamus Fitzgerald freeze.

Do you think I don't know

what's down in that basement?

Seamus: But darling.

Peg: Do you think that

I don't know that you

boys have spent a good

portion of the time

this weekend watching

television on a television

set that is supposedly

hidden from me in

your tool cabinet?

A television set that my

first born brought back

with him on Friday night

after his first trip

to the hospital?

And do you think that I

don't know that it's 44-42

Bulls with two minutes to go

in the second quarter?

Seamus: But how did

you find all that out?

Peg: Seamus, darling. I

know everything that goes

on in these four walls.

And you should go to

confession Katherine Mary,

but pity the poor priest

who will listen to

your confession.

He'll have a sore bottom

by the time you're done.

Scott: [laughing]

Kate: Yeah, what's so funny?

Scott: Your family.

They're just like mine.

Kate: No they're not.

You're family likes

me just the way I am.

Scott: They'd like you a

lot more if you'd stay at

home and have children.

But we can talk about

that some other time.

[kiss]

Peg: But you Seamus

darling, are oblivious

to many things that are

obvious to the female eye.

And Santa has brought

you one present, which

you haven't yet found.

So, sit down.

Kate: Oh no.

Peg: Well, open it Seamus.

Seamus: I'm afraid to darling.

Peg: Nonsense dear.

Open it.

[paper crinkling]

Seamus: All right.

[everyone cheering]

Now I'll be a happy man.

Peg: [laughing]

Seamus: But where did

you hide the old set?

Peg: Oh, some place I

knew you would never look.

It was hidden behind all

the cleaning supplies.

[laughing]

Uncle Kevin's family

where be here in an hour.

Kate: Ever notice how the

women spend their holidays

cooking and cleaning

while the men spend

them in front of the TV?

Jeanne: Kate, I'll let

you in on a little secret.

If men were in charge of the

holidays we'd have our Christmas

dinner of Kentucky Fried Chicken

served on paper plates

surrounded by dirty clothes

thrown on the floor.

You wouldn't want

that would you?

Peg: Jeanne, wine glasses

go all the way to the right.

These are on the left.

Shannon: Sean?

Sean: Yeah?

Shannon: Can we talk?

Sean: Yeah, sure go ahead.

Shannon: No Sean. I need

to have a serious talk.

Sean: Oh. Okay.

What's up?

Shannon: Why do you hate me?

[door slams]

Sean: I don't hate you Shannon.

I think you're irresponsible.

Shannon: I don't know

what I'm doing wrong.

I don't know what

I'm doing period.

I can't stick with school,

I can't stick with a job.

I tell myself I can do

better and I will do

better, but I never do.

Sean: Shannon, I apologize.

Shannon: What?

Sean: I'm sorry.

I know I've been pretty hard

on you, but I just don't

think that you're being fair

to Mom and Dad.

You've given them

a pretty hard time.

First you disappear to Seattle.

Then you pop back up here -

Shannon: They knew where I was.

Sean: You let them know that

you arrived safely after you

hitchhiked across country.

Honestly, if one of

my girls does half the

things you've done,

I'll be terrified.

Shannon: But what do I do?

Go back to school?

Get a deadend job?

Sean: I don't

know. I don't know.

I don't know.

I've never been there.

I can't tell you what to do.

I can only tell

you what not to do.

I know I'm spouting platitudes.

I'm not good at advice.

I'm good at self righteousness.

Shannon: Of course you are.

You're a Fitzgerald.

[laughing]

Sean: Listen, Shannon.

If you ever need Jeanne

or me all you have

to do is pick up the phone.

You'll have to listen to

me tell you everything

you've done wrong,

but we'll be there for

you if you need us.

Peg: Sean, Shannon, could

you go pick up Nana?

Shannon: Oh boy, has she

bought a hearing aid yet?

Sean: [yelling]

Can't hear a thing!

Shannon: [yelling] What?

[laughing]

Huh?

Nana: Margaret,

this cake is dry.

Why don't you just

make it from scratch?

All good cooks make

it from scratch.

Seamus: So, when I was

up at church I got an

update on the annual

choir Christmas party

from Father Michael.

Seems Dan Waznowski

spent last night in jail.

Scott: What can you do?

The Polish have tempers.

Seamus: That's what I said.

But Father Michael said

the folk group tried to

crash the choir party,

and it got a little

bit out of control.

Brian: I can see it now.

Just like the Jets

and the Sharks.

Kate: You know, behavior

like that is probably

why you can't get a job.

Peg: Okay, all right thank you.

Uncle Kevin: Oh no. We

didn't take pictures.

[yelling]

Nana: Am I seeing

lightning again?

[everyone talking]

Nana: Oh, I hope I

closed the windows.

[everyone talking]

Margaret, this cake is so dry.

It chokes me.

Brian: Nana, you

want some water?

Nana: Dear, you

don't need to yell.

I'm wearing my new hearing aid.

Aunt Mary: Elizabeth

Ann was dating a lovely

boy until a month ago.

Sean, you know any nice

doctors for my daughter?

Nana: Well maybe Sean

could find you some nice

doctors in Minnesota.

He's moving there you know.

He and Shannon were talking

about it in the car.

Sean: Well. Uh.

I, um, I guess I have

an announcement to make.

I'm giving up my practice.

[everyone yelling]

I've accepted a position at

researching a new therapy

in childhood cancers

and I've been invited

to join the faculty

at the medical school.

Kurt: So, is that

the T2 Z protocols?

Sean: Yeah, it is.

Kate: The what?

Kurt: T2 Z is a type of drug

found in the leaf of the

basilicus carnate plant,

or it's better known

as serrata plant.

That's what the natives call it.

This plant has many

pharmaceutical uses, but

most important when they

tested it on rats they

found that it reduced the

size of preexisting tumors.

I'm over simplifying of course.

Sean: That's basically right.

Brian: Hey Einstein,

where'd you learn that?

Kurt: Scientific American.

Sean: Anyway, I won't be

leaving until February.

Kate: I don't understand

why you'd give up such

a lucrative practice.

You must be taking

a huge paycut.

Sean: Kate. One of my friends

is a pediatric orthopedist.

He says that the greatest

joy in his life is seeing

his patients grow up.

I don't get a chance to

do that nearly enough.

So, I'm going out there to

see what I can do about that.

Anyway, you're all invited to

Minnesota for next Christmas.

Scott: Hey, I'll be there.

Uncle Kevin: Since we're

all making announcements,

Patrick tell them.

Patrick: Well, I've been in

the seminary since September

and I've decided

to become a priest.

[applause]

Sean: I guess I've

been upstaged.

[applause]

[upbeat music]

Sean: Hey Brian,

you need a ride?

Brian: No actually my

ride is on its way.

Sean: You want to grab some

of the stuff on the porch?

Brian: Sure.

Kate: No, I don't think so.

I'm driving.

Scott: No, you're not.

I got us here.

Kate: It took six hours.

We stalled every four minutes.

I'm driving.

Scott: No you're not.

Jeanne: You okay?

Meghan: Yeah.

Sean: You almost ready?

Jeanne: Yeah, where

are the girls?

Sean: Sarah is in the car.

Jackie is admiring her

new double pierced ears.

Jeanne: Her what?

Sean: Shannon was

just being helpful.

Brian: Bye.

See you brother.

Jeanne: See you later.

Brian: My ride is here.

Peg: Bye, love you.

Brian: Scott, nice

to meet you man.

Peg: Brian! Aren't you going

to introduce us to her?

Brian: What am I crazy?

Peg: Well that was very rude

of him not to introduce us.

I'll have to talk to him.

Kate: No, that was very

smart. I'll have to call him.

Sean: Hey, hug me.

Peg: Oh!

Kate: Well okay.

Meghan: Bye.

Sean: Call me.

Meghan: I will. I'm going

to follow you guys out.

Sean: Don't call me please.

Kate: Yeah.

[everyone talking]

Meghan: I'm going to

follow them. Okay?

Seamus: [sighs]

Well that was fun.

Peg: [laughing]

Seamus: Now let's

go watch some TV.

Peg: Seamus.

Seamus: Yes darling.

Peg: That girl Brian

was with, do you think

she wants a big family?

Seamus: I don't know we'll

get the chance to ask.

Peg: What do you mean?

Kate: See? See how easy this is?

Scott: Thank you I learn

so much from you Kate.

I love you.

[music]
{"type": "movie", "show": "Jingle Hell (2000)", "episode": ""}