Kag: Let me introduce you, 'kay?

Kag: This is my boyfriend, Dai-chan from Planet Titan.

Shin: Huh?

Shin: Wait, what?!

Shin: Kagura-chan, what do you mean, Titan?!

Gin: Hey, what's the meaning of this? This isn't what you said!

UB: Kagura-chan, who was the boy that gave you the letter, then?

Kag: Oh, he was just a friend who handed over the letter in Dai-chan's place.

Kag: Dai-chan's too big to write a letter,

Kag: and it seems he was too shy to hand it over himself.

Shin: Uh... Wait, you actually had such a huge friend?

Kag: Yep. Soyo-chan introduced us.

Shin: The princess?

Kag: Believe it or not, Dai-chan's the prince of Planet Titan.

Kag: But being so big, he had no one to play with and nowhere he could play, so he was bored.

Kag: So I played with him, 'kay?

Kag: And then he got attached to me.

G: Monsters!

Gin: I don't know if I'd call this "attached"...

Bo: It looks more like he brought an army to conquer Earth!

Gintama,OP Card: Gintama

Slip Arc,OP Card: Slip Arc

Title: My Bald Dad, My Light-Haired Dad, and My Dad's Glasses

Warning: Watch the Slip Arc in a bright room andat a safe distance from your TV!

Kag: Awesome, right? I totally got the jump on the bingo balls of life.

Gin: You may have h*t bingo with royalty...

Gin: But his balls are way too big! Riding those would be harder than riding a g*n!

Kag: Anyway, don't be so nervous, 'kay? Take a seat, Dai-chan.

Gin: Huh? Wait, what now?

Gin: Is this the boy? Is this really the boyfriend?

Gin: What's a "boyfriend," again? How is it spelled?

UB: Calm down. He's just a big boyfriend.

UB: A father whose daughter's boyfriend thinks he's a pushover is done for.

UB: Oh, I see. So you're Kagura's boyfriend.

UB: Thanks for being there for her.

UB: I'm her father.

Gin: That's the space-famous Umibozu for you.

Gin: With no fear of the massive boyfriend, he showed off how dignified a father can be.

Gin: F-F...

Gin: Father!

Shin: Umibozu-san!

Shin: He's been turned to mincemeat! Only one of his b*lls remains!

Gin: That's not one of his b*lls! It's just his cue ball!

Dai: Ah, my bad.

Dai: Damn, I overdid it.

Dai: I ain't been on Earth long,

Dai: so I don't really get how to do greetings or, like, the bowing thing.

Dai: And, like, I can't stand that kinda formal crap, anyway.

Dai: You can ignore the prince thing, so why don't we keep things frank and casual, Pops?

Dai: Since you're Kagura's old man, I already consider you a bro.

Dai: Oh, could you tell me your email address?

UB: I see. Then I'll tell you...

UB: the email address to Hell!

Gin: Why me?!

UB: C-Calm down! Grow up!

UB: You promised to be a grown-up today!

Gin: You calm down!

UB: He comes across as incredibly audacious, but I'm imagining things, right?

UB: It just seems like he's looking down on us because he's so huge, right?

UB: Kids these days are all like that, right? Right?!

Gin: We'll never get anywhere if you get pissed by whatever a kid says.

Gin: Let me handle this.

Gin: Y-Yeah, Earth's societal norms are too complicated, huh?

Gin: We just wanted to meet Kagura's friend, is all.

Gin: Anyway, make yourself at home. Want some tea?

Dai: Nah, I'm good. I'm chewing gum.

Gin: Really? We have snacks, too.

Dai: Seriously, I'm good. Earth food doesn't suit my taste.

Gin: Oh, really?

Gin: Could he be any more blunt? Is he messing with me?

Gin: What do you usually eat?

Gin: Your size must complicate things.

Dai: Hip hop.

Gin: What do you mean, you eat hip hop?

Dai: The only things on Earth that suit my tastes are hip hop and reggae.

Dai: They're music of the soul, check it out.

Kag: Apparently, everyone on his planet is a b-boy.

Gin: Uh, you guys are just big boys!

Dai: Everything else is old-fashioned and lame.

Gin: Look who's talking! You're all dressed like cavemen!

Dai: Honestly, I was shocked I had to come meet my girlfriend's folks.

Gin: Huh? Why?

Dai: What matters is how the couple feels in their hearts.

Dai: Parents sticking their nose into it is totally lame, I say.

Dai: Earth is pretty behind the times, huh?

Gin: Really? I can't tell. Are we?

Gin: Anyway, isn't it normal to be worried about the kind of friends your daughter has?

Gin: Right, Kagura?

Dai: Y'know, I've been meaning to point this out.

Dai: I'm not her friend.

Dai: I'm her boyfriend.

Gin: Oh, sorry. Boyfriend, huh?

Gin: I hate to say it, but that word doesn't exist on Earth.

Gin: Right, Kagura?

Dai: Hey, can I be straight with you? Who are you to Kagura?

Dai: I don't want some rando calling her "Kagura" like they're close.

Dai: She's my gal.

Kag: Dai-chan, I mentioned this before.

Kag: Gin-chan's my Earth dad.

Kag: Wait, brother?

Kag: Oh, I know. He's like crab lice, 'kay?

Gin: Why did I regress to being crab lice?!

Dai: Y'know, you're going out with me. Why are you still living with your ex?

Dai: I won't stand for half-assing things like that.

Dai: Keep messing with my gal, and I'll make a mess of Earth.

Dai: FYI, we could wipe out yourEarth if we wanted to.

Dai: If I say the word, my bros all over the galaxy will gather here.

Gin: Bring it!

Gin: att*ck on anytime you want, titans!

Gin: I'll force a retreat back into space!

Gin: For your hairline, that is!

UB: Why my hairline?!

Gin: Calm down! You're a grown-up!

Gin: Now we're even!

UB: Grown-ups don't obsess over getting even!

Gin: I'm imagining things, right?

Gin: Some brain-d*ad boy is saying he'll wipe out Earth,

Gin: but only your hair roots will be wiped out, right?

Gin: Right? Right?!

UB: Just calm down, you two.

UB: Dai-kun, it's not what you think. These two aren't like that.

UB: Kagura's only working a live-in job here.

UB: Honestly, I'm against it too, but she doesn't listen to me.

Dai: For real? Who would want to work here?

Shin: Calm down!

Dai: But you can rest assured, Pops.

Dai: I'm gonna finish my work here and go back home soon.

Dai: I plan on taking Kagura with me.

Kag: Hey, what are you talking about?

Dai: Oh, keep your mouth shut.

Dai: I don't intend to half-ass things with Kagura.

Dai: I'm gonna marry her.

Shin: Hey! What are you two doing?!

UB: I'm imagining things, right?

UB: I think I heard the word "marry" just now, but I'm just imagining things, right?

Gin: Yeah, that's right. It's totally just your imagination.

Kag: Who said you could talk like that?

Kag: Marry me? That's news to me.

Dai: Oh, keep your mouth shut!

Dai: We're discussing something important here.

Gin: Uh, I'm not sure I follow. Aren't you skipping a few too many steps?

Gin: That stuff comes after dating and things going well.

Gin: And you haven't even started dating yet.

Dai: We don't need to do all that crap.

Dai: We're soulmates. Our hearts are totally resonating.

Gin: Oh, really?

UB: Now, now. Puppy love makes your mind go blank and blinds you.

UB: Most people start finding tons of faults

UB: and come to hate each other eventually.

Dai: Nah, that ain't happening with us.

Dai: I ain't got any faults.

Dai: And even if Kagura does, I've got the heart to accept them all.

UB: Oh, really?

Gin: Nah, you won't be saying that for long.

Gin: You'll learn how big a glutton she is once you live with her.

Gin: She'll destroy your food budget.

Gin: Plus she's crude and can't cook anything but egg-on-rice.

Gin: She's sure to be a useless housewife who doesn't do any housework.

UB: Yeah, yeah.

UB: Plus she's a 'kay addict who needs a trip to 'Kay A.

UB: And your kids will % inherit the bald gene.

UB: What do you even see in her?

UB: If I were you, I'd never pick her up if she was lying on the street.

UB: I'd take her to the lost and found!

Kag: Oh, really?!

Kag: This is perfect, then.

Kag: You can marry me off and get rid of me.

Kag: Fine by me, 'kay? I don't like half-assing things, either.

Kag: Guess we can date with an eye toward marriage.

UB: Wait!

Gin: That's not it!

Dai: Well, there you have it. You'll give us your blessings, right?

Shin: Now, now.

Shin: Calm down, all of you.

Shin: Putting aside the taking Kagura-chan along thing for now...

Shin: We'll just take it as a sign that you're serious about this relationship.

Shin: That's okay, right?

Bo: Hell no!

UB: You're just a rotten virgin with zero experience! Stay out of this!

UB: They're not getting engaged at such a young age!

Gin: Quit mouthing off about your naïve ideals!

Gin: Love is just a illusion!

Gin: True love only begins once that illusion wears off, you stupid brats!

Shin: Tell them, not me!

Bo: We're being grown-ups here because you told us to grow up!

Shin: Then say what you're supposed to as grown-ups!

Gin: What the hell, man? What's a grown-up, anyway?

Gin: I don't know anymore!

Shin: Meanwhile, those two went off on their date!

Bo: Ack!

Kag: Man, dating is a pain.

Kag: Can't we just stay friends?

Kag: We're only gonna be sparring like usual anyway, right?

Dai: Nah, it was only during the day so far,

Dai: but now we'll be able to spar at night, too.

Dai: More than anything, I don't wanna let anyone else have you.

Kag: I don't see why I have to be monopolized by either you or those morons.

Dai: Are you stupid? You know that ain't it.

Dai: If you love someone, you wanna make them yours alone.

Dai: Ain't it only natural to feel that way?

Kag: Well, I wouldn't really care if someone else took you.

Dai: Y-You just haven't realized that you're in love yet because you're such a child!

Kag: Then what? Those morons are saying they don't wanna give me away.

Kag: Are they in love with me, too?

Dai: That's a different kinda love. Like, familial.

Dai: But we gotta distance ourselves from that and find our own love someday.

Kag: I see. But in a way, they love me too, huh?

Dai: Hey, what are you smirking for?

Kag: No reason.

Kag: It's been a long day. I'm exhausted.

Kag: Let's save the date for another day, 'kay?

Dai: What? Why?!

Dai: I said I'm going back home soon, didn't I?

Kag: We can just have a long-distance relationship.

Dai: Hey, wait up!

Dai: Are you okay with being separated from me?

Dai: I could cheat on you back home! You okay with that?!

Kag: That's pretty much it, Dai-chan.

Kag: You can find love scattered anywhere.

Kag: But those scatterbrains...

Kag: ...I can only find here.

Kag: See you.

Kag: Write to me, 'kay?

Dai: I ain't letting you go, Kagura.

Dai: I ain't gonna accept a long-distance relationship.

Dai: I finally found robust genes that are worthy of being inherited by titans.

Dai: I can't let the people on this planet keep them all to themselves.

Soyo: What?!

Soyo: Kagura-chan and Prince Dai?!

Soyo: I didn't know those two had that kind of relationship.

Soyo: He took Kagura-chan from me. I feel a little b*rned.

Bo: Things really will burn.

UB: If you don't tell us where they hang out right now...

Gin: ...we'll burn down your castle.

Shin: Hey! The princess has nothing to do with this!

Shin: She didn't do anything wrong!

Gin: But you're the one who introduced him to Kagura, right?

Gin: Where did you guys hang out?

Gin: Which love hotel district? Which storeroom behind a gym?

Gin: Which orgy venue?

Soyo: We'd never hang out at such places!

Soyo: I-It was usually the river bank or the park...

Soyo: Hey!

Soyo: They might be gone already!

Shin: There they go.

Shin: What do you mean, they might be gone?

Soyo: Despite what the titans look like,

Soyo: they're a peaceful and quiet race as long as they can listen to hip hop.

Soyo: There's just one thing.

Soyo: Titan royalty have looked for their brides on other planets for generations.

Soyo: But what they do after they find her is crazy.

Soyo: They look to monopolize her genes.

Soyo: To prevent the spread of their perfect spouse's genes outside their own race,

Soyo: they eradicate all life on the bride's home planet,

Soyo: leaving no traces, not even a strand of DNA.

Massive_UFO_in_E,Sign: Massive UFOin Edo Skies

Hana: Are you all seeing this?

Hana: Titans suddenly appeared in Edo,

Hana: with a huge ship that nearly covers the entire sky above the city.

Hana: Just who are they?

Shin: Dai-kun will destroy Earth?

Shin: No way! Did we treat him badly?

Shin: Did we act too much like an annoying mother-in-law?!

Soyo: That's not really the issue.

Shin: Forget coming to take our girl,

Shin: he came to take our Earth?!

Shin: Forget the bingo balls of life,

Shin: he came to crush the ball that gives us life?!

Soyo: We must stop the titans at once.

Soyo: I'll let Brother know and have the Bakufu Army move out right away.

Shin: You've got it wrong.

Shin: They aren't the ones we need to stop.

Shin: The titans aren't the ones we need to be truly afraid of.

Hana: Oh, look at that!

Hana: An army of titans dressed in formal attire is descending on us!

Dai: Earthlings.

Dai: As Planet Titan's representative, allow me to express our gratitude.

Dai: You have our heartfelt gratitude for giving us the perfect bride.

Dai: Rejoice.

Dai: With this ceremony,

Dai: Earthling DNA will gain eternal prosperity along with us titans.

Dai: Please give your blessings to our marriage ceremony.

Hana: I-Is this a wedding?

Hana: The titans have destroyed the city and built a big marriage venue!

Hana: Wait, is that...

Hana: An Earthling girl?!

Hana: The titans have taken a lone girl c*ptive!

P: Do you promise to be true to her in good times and bad,

P: in sickness and in health, and to love and honor her all the days of your life?

Dai: I do.

Hana: Is this a ceremony to take that girl as his wife?

P: Bride. Do you promise to be true to him in good times and bad,

P: in sickness and in health, and to love and honor him all the days of your life?

Dai: She said she does.

P: You may now seal your vows with a kiss.

Hana: That innocent girl's purity is about to be taken by those massive lips!

Dai: Kagura...

Dai: Now your strong genes belong to me!

Dai: You should just look at me, and me alone.

Shin: Hold it right there!

Dai: Wait, father!

Dai: We can't! I don't swing that way!

Dai: Father? Father!

Shin: Dai-kun.

Shin: I'm sorry, but I can't let you have Kagura-chan.

Shin: You don't have the right

Shin: to call yourself her boyfriend.

Dai: Damn you...

Dai: How dare you ruin this sacred ceremony and my first kiss?!

Shin: It's too bad.

Shin: In your obsession with keeping Kagura-chan to yourself,

Shin: you trampled on her feelings and tried to take away something precious to her.

Dai: This has nothing to do with you! Piss off!

Shin: Do you understand?!

Shin: The dear daughter he raised was taken from him by some random guy,

Shin: and yet, for her sake, he tried to welcome him with a smile.

Shin: Do you understand that bald father's feelings?

Shin: Do you understand?

Shin: He let go of the person he'd protected with care for so long,

Shin: believed in the man she chose, and even tried to entrust his sword to him.

Shin: Do you understand that light-haired father's feelings?

Shin: Do you understand?

Shin: He actually felt really sad,

Shin: but held back his tears and played the straight man for Kagura's sake.

Shin: Do you understand how those father's glasses felt?!

Dai: Will you guys shut up about fathers already?

Dai: Quit poking your nose in a couple's relationship!

Dai: It's gross as hell!

Dai: If you can't let your child go, I'll lop off your arm for you!

Dai: Before the ceremony, cause a bloodbath with the annoying apes of Earth!

Dai: Offer them up as sacrifices for our wedding!

Dai: att*ck on, titans!

Hana: Oh, no! Titans are pouring out of their mother ship!

Hana: Are we witnessing the apocalypse?!

Dai: Adios, fathers.

Dai: Your dear daughter belongs to me, the great Dai!

Dai: Huh? I don't think we arranged for a rice shower...

Hana: A rain of blood?

Hana: Can you believe it? Instead of a rice shower, a red shower of blood is raining down!

Hana: It's the blood of titans!

Hana: This isn't titans attacking on! It's an att*ck on titans!

Dai: N-No way.

Shin: Gross?

Shin: Fine by us.

Shin: Be it a boyfriend's possessiveness toward his girl, or a race's possessiveness,

Shin: all men are gross in one way or another, including you.

Shin: But that's nothing.

Shin: You're up against a father's gross possessiveness toward his daughter.

Shin: Don't think you can b*at that!

Gin: Hey, boyfriend. I'm impressed.

Gin: I never expected you to be prepared to destroy Earth to make Kagura yours.

Gin: When you're asking someone for their daughter they raised with love,

Gin: you do need the balls to take an entire planet.

Gin: Yeah, it takes balls from both the taker and the giver.

Dai: You guys want to start a planetary w*r over a single girl?!

UB: As if grown-ass grown-ups would ever do that for a filthy brat like her.

Gin: You can take her with you, but...

Bo: Only once you grow up and learn how to bow!

Gin: We finally said something grown up.

UB: Yeah.

UB: Now we're full-fledged adults, too.

Bo: Oh...

Bo: We forgot about Kagura.

Odd_Jobs_Gin_cha,Sign: Odd Jobs Gin-chan

Shin: Whoa, hold it.

Shin: What's with that huge letter?

Kag: It's a letter from Dai-chan from back home.

Kag: You guys should read it, too.

Shin: What? From that prince?

Shin: Are we gonna be okay? He's not declaring w*r or anything, right?

Shin: If he comes back to take Kagura-chan,  what do we do, Gin-san?

Gin: Shinpachi, send a reply at once.

UB: "She's a good-for-nothing daughter, but please take—"

Shin: Uh...

Shin: "Thanks for taking care of me during my stay on Earth.

Shin: Interacting with a different culture, I've realized the importance of family.

Shin: In particular, I had the opportunity to learn all too well how great fathers are.

Shin: It was a great learning experience."

Shin: Huh? He's turned over a new leaf and become a different person!

UB: Well, his letters are always polite.

Dai: The next time I get a girlfriend,

Dai: I want to forget about our dated and evil customs and treat her family well, too.

Dai: In particular, I'll treat the father well.

Dai: I'll try not to defy the father, no matter what.

Shin: Uh, fathers have totally become a trauma to him now.

UB: Well, a lot happened, but all's well that ends well.

UB: He took a step forward as a person.

UB: With this, the home planet of those lugs should improve a little bit.

Gin: Apparently not.

Dai: P.S. I recently found some amazing genes that interest me.

Dai: Fathers really are amazing, huh?

Shin: Um...

Shin: I don't know about improving. If this keeps up, their planet will die out.

Gin: This is on you.

Gin: He awakened to the other side because of what you did to the priest.

Shin: Don't pin all the blame on me! You did this by going too far!

Gin: Tell the old man that. I'm not the father.

UB: What do you mean? I'm still young enough to be called "bro"!

Gin: Yeah, right, "bro." More like your hair all went "go home."

UB: They didn't go home! I'm still attacking on, fightan!

Shin: What happened to bro?

Kag: To Dai-chan.

Kag: I learned a lot thanks to you, too.

Kag: I don't really get the difference between romantic and familial love yet,

Kag: but for now,

Kag: I'm fine with having just these guys as boyfriends.

Ep Title,Title: A Bowl of Ramen

Gin: Next time: "A Bowl of Ramen."

 TextR: Next time, the widow running a ramen place,

 TextL: Ikumatsu, makes an appearance after ten long years.

 TextR: We have the always familiar, the nostalgic,

 TextL: and the somewhat different people all in one big gathering.
{"type": "series", "show": "Gintama", "episode": "09x02 - My Bald Dad, My Light-Haired Dad, and My Dad's Glasses"}