TV 2: By the time I was a senior I was quite a baton twirler.

Mike: Eh, have you guys seen Mom and Dad?

TV 2: From then on, I knew I was a female trapped in a male body.

Mike: Hey, Carol, somebody else with your problem.

Carol: Mike, when are you gonna grow up?

Mike: For your information today, Mike Seaver became a man.

Ben: Who were you this morning?

Mike: Just at boy with a job at Bernie's car wash, but not anymore.

Carol/Ben: Bernie fired him.

Maggie: You were fired?

Mike: I wasn't fired!I quit!

Jason: Either way our deal was no job, no car.

Mike: But Dad, I have a job, it's a great job, an incredible job.Oh god, this is so exciting, you guys might get a little dizzy when I tell you.You better sit.

Jason: I'll take my chances.

Mike: Okay, okay, you two are looking at the newest member of the sales force at Stereo Village.That's right, I am one of the lucky, lucky few who has been given a sh*t at unlimited earnings selling quality audio, video, and computer components at rock bottom prices!

Jason: I better sit down.

Mike: I warned you guys.Look, I'd love to chat about this some more but I'm going to be late for the first night of work so.

Maggie: Mike we're not finished talking.

Mike: Well, gee Mom, I don't know what else I could possibly tell you guys.

Jason: Well, how about how did you hear about this job?Who are you working for, what are your hours?

Maggie: How you're going to get your homework done?

Jason: How much does it pay?

Maggie: Is it legal?

Mike: Hold it.

Maggie: Mike, you look a little dizzy maybe you'd better sit down.

Mike: Come on, I get the feeling that you guys have no faith in me at all.What have I ever done to make you feel that way?

Jason/Maggie: [incoherent]

Mike: Alright, alright.

Jason: Ok Mike, tell us about the new job and don't sound like a game show host.

Mike: Ok, ok.I just work three afternoons after school and on Saturdays, with Boner.

Maggie: Go on.

Mike: And okay, in the stores it's just right at the street in the mall next to that shop that sells the sexy underwear for women.

Jason: I know the place.I get my haircut near there.

Maggie: So how much does this job pay?

Mike: Well, it's a job in sales, Mom

Jason: How much?

Mike: Well, it's kinda hard to say.

Jason: How much?

Mike: Well, see, when you sell things you get a commission, and I'd be getting ten percent of everything I sell.I mean, this could be worth thousands guys.

Jason: So it has no base salary whatsoever?

Mike: Now Dad, I know this isn't going to be easy but I sure can't spend the rest of my life at that car wash.

Maggie: Well Jason, what do you think?

Jason: Ok, Mike.

Mike: Alright, thanks guys, thanks, I gotta go change for work.Um, I can't be late, Andrew has this policy, says tardiness is unacceptable for any reason.

Maggie: Who's Andrew?

Jason: What's his last name?

Mike: Uh [Mumbles] take it easy.

Jason: What?

Mike: Delish, see you later.

Maggie: Delish?He wouldn't be related to Jerry High school drop out Delish, would he?

Mike: Well.

Jason: Or Jerry.Hi, we're both in jail Delish?

Mike: Uh, actually What was the question again?

Maggie: Is Andrew Delish related to that jerk that used to get you into trouble all the time?

Mike: Related?Um, they're very close.

Jason: How close?

Mike: Same guy.

Maggie: Mike didn't we forbid you to associate with Jerry Delish?

Mike: Yea, but you didn't say anything about Andrew.

Jason: C'mon, what's this Andrew business?Why'd he change his name?

Mike: Well, I think it's kind of obvious, Dad.

Jason: Yea, to throw the cops off the trail.

Mike: No, no, Dad, see, he wanted to change his life around so he started with his name.I mean, Dad, he's the manager of the whole store.And you're the one who's always saying we should believe the best in people, so why not give Jerry the benefit of the doubt?

Jason: Well, um, ok what do you think Maggie?

Maggie: I'll agree with your decision.

Jason: Alright, Mike, give it a sh*t.

Mike: Hey, thanks a lot, Dad.

Maggie: That wasn't the decision I was going to agree with.

Jason: You know, if you're going to deal with the public, you'll need a nice conservative suit.

Mike: Come on, Dad.I'm just selling stereos.

Jason: Well, yea, but it never hurts to look sharp.

Ben: Mom, were you always a woman?

Maggie: No.I used to be a little girl.Ben.Oh.I told you Carol!

Maggie: Jason, why did you tell Mike he could work for Jerry Delish?

Jason: Well, honey after you left, I got to hear Jerry's philosophy, the road to success is hard work.And don't expect others to make it easy for you.Each of us is responsible for himself.

Maggie: Really?

Jason: Really.He's got Mike wanting to be prompt and dependable.Things I've been trying to make him think about for years.

Maggie: Gee.

Jason: If I wasn't so darn confident of myself, I might even be a little jealous.

Carol: I would just like to state for the record that I never once suggested that you might have been a man.

Maggie: What the heck are they watching in there, anyway?

Mike: And don't forget to send your friends in.

Customer: Uh, if I have a problem with my unit.

Mike: Call me.

Customer: I will.

Boner: So, what do you think?

Customer2: I think you're dangerous!

Mike: Boner, what are you doing?

Boner: All's I know is I got a guy looking at a couple of speakers who only wanted change for the parking meter, I say I did a lot.

Mike: Look, remember what Andy says, a good salesman could sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo.

Boner: Well, an Eskimo wouldn't need a Ohhh.

Mike: Yea.

Boner: Ok, I'll give it another sh*t.

Mike: That's right.

Jason: Hi, Boner!

Boner: It's Richard here.

Jason: You changed your name, too?

Boner: No, it's always been Richard.I just don't use it 'cause it's a dumb sounding name.

Jason: Good thinking, Boner.

Boner: Hey, Mikey, look who's here.

Mike: Ah, excuse me a second.

Jason: Hi Mike.

Mike: Ah, Boner, can you take care of my customer while I take care of my dad?

Boner: Well, I'd rather sell to your dad Oh, ok.

Mike: So, Dad, uh, what are you doing here?

Jason: I'm just taking advantage of Stereo Village's grand opening sale.

Mike: Checkin' up on me.

Jason: Oh, come on, Mike.I'm not checking up on you.Ok, I'm checking up on you.So, sue me.

Mike: Dad, uh...

Jason: I see you took my advice about the suit.

Mike: Well, yea, yea, like Andrew says, dress for success.

Jason: Jerry.Uh, Andrew.

Andrew: I haven't seen you since you bailed Michael and me out of jail.

Jason: Yea.

Mike: And that was a very long time ago, Dad.

Jason: That's right.

Andrew: Well, I think Michael and I have done quite a bit of growing up since then.

Boner: Mikey, look who else is here!

Maggie: Jason, what are you doing here?

Mike: He's checking up on me, same as you.

Maggie: Oh.Oh, no, no, no honey.I just happened to be shopping in the lingerie store next door.

Jason: Really?

Mike: Uh, Mom, you remember Jerry Delish, don't you?

Maggie: That dirt bag, where is he?

Andrew: It's Andrew now.

Maggie: Oh my goodness, you've changed.

Jason: Why?

Andrew: Why?You don't know?Michael here has outsold everybody.It's his first four days.

Maggie: That's wonderful, Michael, why didn't you tell us?

Mike: Well, I just thought I'd surprise you.

Andrew: Well, he sure did surprise me.I've never seen a harder worker.

Mike: Well, look, I'd love to talk to you guys, but I have a customer over here who needs some help.

Andrew: Go get him, Mike.

Mike: Ok.

Maggie: Heck, anybody could end up in jail.

Andrew: Well, it was a pleasure to see you both.

Jason: Alright.Thank you, Jerry.

Maggie: Thank you, Jerry.Andrew.

Jason: It's Andrew.

Maggie: Thanks.

Customer: Is this radio cassette/TV thing any good?

Mike: Oh, yes, yes.I can't lie to you, Ed.It's really not worth the price.

Ed: Yea?

Mike: Yea.

Jason: That's my boy!

Maggie: I told you Mike taking this job was a good idea.

Jason: Oh, come on, you were so unsure.

Ben: It's not fair!It's not fair!It's not fair.

Carol: It's not clean!

Mike: Have you guys seen Mom and Dad?

Ben: Mike, it's your turn to do the dishes.

Mike: Not tonight, Benny.Mom?Dad?

Carol: You think just because you didn't dirty any of these dishes you can get out of washing them.

Mike: You're looking good tonight, Carol.

Jason: Hey, Mike!We thought you'd be at work!Ben and Carol: Fired again.

Mike: No, see, this is the big surprise that I was telling you about.I just got my first commission check and it was major!You guys aren't going to believe this.But, um, I thought I'd share some of the wealth with my family.Mom, Dad, and Ben, and Carol.

Ben: What the heck's going on here?

Mike: Just go ahead and open it.

Ben: Wow!Super Veto Brothers in Wyoming.I'm gonna go play this!

Carol: Mike!This is so unlike you.

Mike: Yea, well, I figured you could use it while you do your aerobics.

Carol: Well, I don't do aerobics.

Mike: Uh huh.

Maggie: It's a thesaurus program?

Mike: Yea, see I figured that, um, you know when you're writing your stories and you need a word that means the same as the one you've already used you just press a button and this gives you a whole bunch of other words.

Maggie: Oh, Michael, this is so sweet, thoughtful, considerate, caring.

Jason: Sounds like she doesn't need a thesaurus.

Maggie: I'm gonna cry, thank you.

Mike: You're welcome.

Jason: Mike, you amaze me.

Mike: Well, thanks for believing in me, Dad.Hey, go on, go ahead, open it up.

Jason: Oh, ok.Oh, hey Mike this is terrific.

Mike: Yea, yea, I figured that, uh, you know you could put it in your office so that when your patients are talking you could watch some TV.

Jason: I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but isn't this the model that you told that guy in the store that would be a waste of his money?

Mike: Oh, yea, that was just salesmanship, Dad.

Jason: I don't understand.

Mike: Oh, well, see, see that's the model we use to lure them into the store.It's my job to hook em, reel em in, and get them to spend a lot more money.

Maggie: Jason, would you just calm down and tell me what Mike did?

Jason: What did he do?Well, he's just taken the first step on the road to Sing Sing.

Maggie: Sing Sing?

Jason: Yea, and you know who's going to be holding the cell door open for him.

Maggie: Ben?

Jason: I'm talking about Jerry Delish.And you and I were fooled to think that Jerry wasn't Jerry anymore just because he's Andrew.

Maggie: Jason I can't follow you when you're ranting.

Jason: I do not rant.

Maggie: Oh, no, no, no.Of course you don't.

Jason: And don't just say what I want to hear.

Maggie: Ok, then, you are getting incredibly carried away and so far you haven't told me what has gotten you so upset.

Jason: Alright, here it is.It's the Delish philosophy.Tardiness is unacceptable for any reason.The road to success is hard work.And get this one, each of us is responsible for himself.Mike's buying that a hundred percent.

Maggie: Jason do you think perhaps you were on to something last week when you might be a little jealous of Andrew's influence

Jason: Oh, I was completely off base and frankly, I don't even know why you would listen to me.

Maggie: Ok.

Jason: Maggie, you're saying ok, but your eyes are saying jealous.

Jason: Alright, have you ever heard of something called bait and switch?

Maggie: Andrew does that?

Jason: Mike, too!

Maggie: Oh, no!

Jason: Yes!

Maggie: Well, I'd like a word with that Andrew, uh, Jerry!And Mike!

Jason: Well, I'd like a word with all three of them.Mike I'd like to talk to you before you whoa.Look at this room!

Mike: What's wrong with it?

Jason: It's clean.

Mike: Yea.

Jason: This another one of Andrew's suggestions?

Mike: He says the more organized you are, the better.

Jason: Oh, I'll bet.

Mike: What, you don't want me to clean my room?

Jason: Well, yea, but for the right reasons!

Mike: Yea, uh, Dad, listen I got to get back to the store.Andrew says I can't.

Jason: Will you just sit down please?

Mike: No, see, the only reason I came home was because I got a stain on my suit.And I ...

Jason: Will you sit?You know what you're doing down there?

Mike: Well, not at first, but now it's kind of fun, I like it.I mean.

Jason: No, no, I'm talking about when you tell a customer that something he wants to buy is junk to get him to spend more?It's called bait and switch.It's a con.It's a crime.

Mike: Now hold on, wait a minute.Dad, now that guy was free to buy anything in the store, he didn't have to listen to me.

Jason: But, Mike, you lied to him.

Mike: Dad, I just nudged him towards some merchandise that we needed to move.

Jason: Mike, you're lying to people.People are more important than your sales quotas.

Jason: So?

Mike: So, did you tell the salesperson that the transmission was sh*t?

Jason: Yes, I did.

Mike: You did?

Jason: Yea!

Mike: Ok, alright, how about the taxes?Alright, now everybody fudges a little bit on their taxes, right?

Jason: Not me.

Mike: Oh, Dad, Dad.There's a whole world going on out there that you don't know anything about.

Jason: Don't pity your father, ok?

Mike: I'm not.I'm not.I'm just saying that, you get up in the morning; you walk across the living room and into your office.I men, you never even go outside.

Jason: Oh, really?Well, who do you think brings in the morning paper?You think it just walks in here by itself?I'm outside every day!

Mike: So what's your point?You gonna make me quit, right?

Jason: Oh, you bet I'm... No, I'd like to, as much as I'd like to, I'm not.

Mike: You're not?

Jason: No.

Mike: Why not?

Jason: Because you're too old for me to make you do anything.

Mike: I am?

Jason: I can't be looking over your should all your life, Mike.

Mike: Uh-huh.

Jason: You got to learn that the only one responsible for you is you.

Mike: Yea, that's exactly what Andrew says!

Jason: Better.

Boner: Mikey, is Main St.up three blocks or four?

Mike: Four.

Boner: Hey, great.Four blocks, it's on the corner, Senor Stereo, you can't miss it.

Customer (Husband): Oh, great.Thanks a lot.

Boner: Hey, my pleasure.

Customer (Wife): If your hadn't of told us, we would have wasted all that money here.

Mike: Boner, what are you doing?

Boner: Oh, they needed a whole new stereo system.

Mike: Boner, that's what we sell here.

Boner: I know that, but Senor Stereo's having this Call me Loco sale.Listen, they just got married, so they're kind of broke.

Mike: Bone, that's not your problem.

Boner: Mikey, if I would have stuck them with our prices, I would have felt like a thief.

Mike: Who you calling a thief?

Boner: Nobody.I can't hook em, I can't reel em in.You know how much I like fish.

Mike: Boner, you got to straighten up your act, man.Look at you here.What is this?

Boner: My shorts.I couldn't find a handkerchief.

Andrew: Michael, when you get a chance, I need to talk to you.

Mike: Yea, sure, Andrew.So, what can I do for you?

Andrew: I just want to let you know, Michael, I think you're doing a one heck of a job.

Mike: Hey, thanks.

Andrew: You know, I'm really proud of you.

Mike: Well, I learned from you.

Andrew: What did you do this week in commissions?

Mike: Ah, $350.

Andrew: What did Boner do?

Mike: Ah, well, you know he's working real hard out there.

Andrew: Mike, you know, I've known Boner a long time, almost as long as I've known you.As well as I know Boner, I also know he doesn't have it.

Mike: Well, maybe he's just nervous, I mean maybe he just got so much of it, he doesn't know what to do with it.

Andrew: Michael, you've made $350.Boner has made $3.62.

Mike: Is that net or gross?

Andrew: His net is gross.

Mike: C'mon, c'mon, Jer.Just give the guy a break.I mean, he's trustworthy and good hearted, but that guy couldn't tell a lie if his life depended on it.

Andrew: Mike, you know what it takes to sell.But can you honestly tell me that Boner's gonna have that k*ller instinct?Now, I know you're a little closer to him than I am so I thought I'd ask you if you wanted to tell him.

Mike: Tell him what?

Andrew: Well, he's gone.

Mike: What?

Andrew: Hey, this is business.You want to tell him?

Mike: Me?

Andrew: It's closing time, somebody's got to.I just thought he'd take it better from you.

Customer: So, uh, how many watts per channel is this?

Mike: Huh?Oh, um, 40 watts.Listen we've got a few minutes before closing and why don't you think it over and I'll be right back.

Boner: Here is your diode.And your recent for a buck twenty's in the bag.Enjoy!That's twelve more cents right in my pocket.

Customer: Excuse me, do you carry the Thunderclap Two System?

Mike: Uh, yea, yea.We got it.

Customer: And?

Boner: Oh, that's expensive.

Mike: Right this way sir.

Andrew: Michael, it's almost closing time.

Mike: Yea, I know, I know, Jer.Just give him a minute, he's about to move the highest priced system in the store.

Boner: You're right, it is this way.

Mike: Oh, come on, just for old time's sake, alright?I mean, I mean, he's your buddy, too.

Andrew: There's a time for buddies and there's a time for business.

Customer: I can't thank you enough.

Boner: Hey, tell a friend.

Mike: Boy, that was quick.Well, uh, we'd be happy to help you load your components into your car for you, sir.

Customer: No, I can wait.The Bone here tipped me to the Thunderclap Two's gonna be on sale next week.I'll wait until then.

Boner: Hey, see you then, Maurice.

Customer: Hey!

Boner: So, who else is up for fish and chips, huh?

Andrew: Mr.Bone.

Mike: Uh, no, wait.Um, I need a moment with Andrew, please.

Boner: Sure thing.

Mike: Come on, Jer.Just give him one more chance.

Mike: So, what do we do, we just dust Bone?Because he's cause he's Boner?

Andrew: No, because he can't sell.He's not like us, Mike.He's too concerned with the customer and whether they can afford the stuff.

Mike: So, what's wrong with that?

Andrew: Mike if you couldn't get rid of this stuff, I'd get rid of you.

Mike: But we're buddies.

Andrew: This is a business.

Mike: But that's... That's wrong.

Andrew: What are you talking about?

Mike: I'm just saying that people are more important than your sales quotas.

Andrew: Who's been handing you that garbage?

Mike: Who?I'll tell you who.Somebody who knows a heck of a lot about the real world out there.You know, somebody who always seems to be right and it's really beginning to get me tense.You know, I think I might as well just quit this job right now because that's what he thinks I should do.And it's probably what I'm gonna end up doing, so I'll just save you the time, huh?

Andrew: Hey, Mike.Mike!Mikey!

Mike: Hey, folks!Senor Stereo's got this exact same stuff for half the price.And they care about their customers.Adios, Jer.I thought you wanted some fish.

Boner: Oooo!See you tomorrow, Jer.

Mike: Alright, alright, where is he?

Maggie: Where's who?

Mike: Dad.

Maggie: Oh, he went for a long walk, he was pretty upset with you, Mike.

Mike: He's upset with me?Well, I'm upset with me.And him, both of us!

Maggie: Why?

Mike: Why?Do you have any idea of what a rotten thing he did to me earlier tonight?

Maggie: No, what?

Mike: Nothing.Yea, nothing.He knew what a major mistake I was going to make and he left it up to me to figure out.

Maggie: Would you prefer that we monitor your every move?
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "03x03 - Taking Care of Business"}