Carol: Previously on Growing Pains.

Coach: Your term reports are due tomorrow, and they should be typed on a typewriter.You know that thing where you put the paper in and it goes....

Cindy: Is Coach Lovett here?

Mike: No, no, he stepped out for a minute to polish his head.

Cindy: I'll have to tell him that when I get home.

Mike: What?

Cindy: He is my dad.

Mike: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Windy: Hey Cindy where is dad?

Mike: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy....I mean after all this time I feel like I don't even know Lovett at all, after he walks out of this building he actually has his own life.I mean what does he do, where does he live?

Coach: The little gofer didn't even listen to me, so as of the end of the semester I'm fired.

Mike: Carol, look this guy has really given me a lot and I just want a chance to give him something back.

Mike: Coach Lovett is a good teacher, he cares.

Principle: But he is not paid to care, he is paid to win football games.

Maggie: Mike, Carol please lets go, they are talking about having you arrested.

Mike: I'm sorry mom but I am in this thing and I am staying.

Carol: They will have to bash us over the head and carry out our limp bodies.

Maggie: Jason will you please talk some sense into these kids?

Jason: Look kids, I think that ummm...

Maggie: Jason what are you doing?

Jason: I'm sitting in!

Crowd: Yeah!!Heck no he won't go!Heck no, he won't go!

Maggie: Watch their heads you n*zi!!

Maggie: Arrested in the demonstration were Doctor Jason Seaver, his daughter Carol Seaver, his son Mike Seaver and his friend, fellow student s*ab.

Ben: Wow, my family has been busted.Hello, yeah, stinky I just saw it too, it was fantastic, Oh hold on a second stinky, I have got another call.Hello, grandma?Yeah, I saw it too, I am shocked and embarrass too.

Television: Left 234, right 234.

Coach: Elizabeth, we are home Pump it, pump it, way to go Cindy.

Cindy: Thanks!

Coach: You will be slim like Wendy in no time.Young man, when I was your age, I didn't evenhave meat.

Maggie: Over 30 policemen have been there ...

Cindy: Daddy, daddy, come quick, your school is on the news, there are cops and everything!

Wendy: Hey dad your school is being arrested!

Maggie: He answer to this question begins with teenage innocence, and na?ve......taking the center of the controversy is Coach Graham Lovett.

Daughter: Daddy, it's about you!!

The coach: All right I'll be right there.Oh what?Who didn't replace place the toilet paper?

Mother: Hush.I just got the baby to sleep.

Daughter: Look!

Mother: Oh my!Graham, honey get in here quick!

Maggie: After 12 years this dedicated man has been terminated .

Daughter: Dad has been fired?

Daughters: What?

Mother: All right, now kids!

Daughter: Does this mean I can't get my braces.

Coach: Let me explain something.This is an empty roll.And this is a full roll.

Daughter: Dad, we love you, even if you have been exterminated.

Ben: Ok, Uncle Homer, I'll tell them you are stunned and saddened.

Maggie: This was the most humiliating day of my entire life.

Jason: The most exhilarating day in my life.

Mike: Yeah, mine too.

s*ab: I am going to get deloused on a regular basis.

Carol: I was frisked by a fat woman.

Jason: But I was very proud of all of you.

Ben: Does anyone want to talk to Uncle Homer.

Maggie: Ben, we don't have an Uncle Homer.

Ben: Very funny!

Jason: You guys haven't lived tell you have been strip searched.

Maggie: Jason, may I have a word with you in the kitchen now.

Ben: Boner's parents are in there.

Boner: What did you say?

Ben: Yeah, they were really upset, so I made them a peanut butter, Jelly and mushroom sandwich.I am bushed.

Boner: Say you don't see me, say you don't know me .

Jason: Boner, it's all right, I'll just explain to your folks.

s*ab's Father: There you are, you little jail bird ...

s*ab's Mother: Richard, are you all right?

s*ab's Father: He hasn't been all right since the day he was born.

Jason: Sylvester, wait, sir, I just want to say Boner...

s*ab's Father: The less said, the better.Get your butt in the car, come on.

s*ab's Mother: You are no longer allowed to play with Mike.Take a minute and say yourgoodbyes.

Boner: See you tomorrow, Mike.

Mike: Later Bone.

Maggie: Jason, Kitchen now.

Mike: Dad, Dad, come on, I have to plan our strategy here.What's next?

Jason: Well, I'll tell you what we did back in the peace riots in the 1960's...excuse me.

Mike: Ok I know, tomorrow when the coach is at school...

Carol: We are going to do nothing, Mike.I have had it.I'd have my finger prints and a very unflattering mug sh*t taken, and I have been suspended from school.Do you know what all of that means?

Mike: What?

Carol: It means that when I graduate I won't be receiving the perfect attendance awards.

Mike: Oh no!What have I done?

Maggie: Jason, they have been suspended from school and Carol's perfect attendance award is ruined.

Jason: Oh no!What have I done?

Maggie: Jason, there are times I think your sense of humor is a very attractive quality.This is not one of them.

Jason: Ok, what happened today Maggie was that our son, a boy who doesn't even know how tospell commitment, much less have one; today he puts himself on the line completely not for himself, but to unselfishly help somebody else.A teacher, one of his enemies, I think this has been a pretty good day.

Maggie: Honey, honey it never would have occurred to me to look at things that way.

Jason: Thank you, now what do you think?

Maggie: I think you are a raving nut-ball!

Jason: Oh, I am not raving Maggie!

Mike: And was Martin Luther, B.B.King a fool too.

Carol: AHHHH!!!

Mike: Where does carol get these crazy ideas?

Jason: She inherited them.You're old enough to finally be told, Mike your mother is wacko.

Mike: Dad, do you think I should give up?

Jason: Well, do you believe in this cause?

Mike: I don't know about cause, but I just think it is totally unfair for the coach to lose his job.I mean that all the teachers at Dewy, he is the only one who believed in me.Dad, I just want to help the coach.Oh coach, did you see we were just on television?

Coach: Seaver, why didn't you just sh**t me?

Jason: Hold on there Coach, do you know what this kid did for you?

Coach: Golly, gee, heck, everybody knows what he did.It was on the action news, and how my kids found out their old man is being fired at the end of the year.

Mike: Oh coach I am sorry I ...

Coach: Don't be sorry, 'cause I'm not beening fired at the end of the year any more.

Mike: All right!

Coach: No, you see superintendent Flagel, he doesn't like his schools being on the news; so he called Dewitt, and Dewitt called me, and he said I am gone as of today.Thanks kid.

Daughter one: Mom!

Mother: Yes?Cindy, yes, honey?

Daughter: You've been out here for a long time.

Mother: Well, I am just waiting for your father to come home from driving around aimlessly.

Daughter: Could you wait inside, it's cold.

Mother: You just go back inside, I am fine.

Daughter: No you are not, you're pregnant.

Daughter 2: Mr.Nigel called from the next building, he saw the news, and then saw you standing out here, he is ready to call 911.

Mother: Well, good golly to heck, pardon my French.Before I jump I'll phone you, Mr.Nigel.Does a person have to be a loony tone just because they are out on their own f*re escape in the middle of night in their pajamas?

One daughter: Mom, sherry h*t me!

Another daughter: And I enjoyed it!

Mother: Don't wake the baby!

One daughter: Why don't we just put up a spotlight so that the whole neighborhood can enjoy our shame?

Mother: See, you woke the baby.

Girl: He did it!

Boy: No I didn't!

Coach: Elizabeth, What the hell are you doing standing up there in your PJ's like some tart?

Mother: Graham, have you been driving around without your hat?

Coach: What?Mr.

Nigel: She said you've been driving around without your hat?

Mother: Thank you very much, Mr.Nigel

Daughter: Mom, you are talking to a man who drinks wine for breakfast.

Mother: Oh, all right you kids, your dad is home.I want you all to go to your rooms.He doesn't need to be reminded of how many of you there are.

Daughter: Could you please try to keep dad from yelling and embarrassing all of us?

Coach: No, she couldn't.

Daughter: Oh......

Five Daughters: Good night, dad.

Boy: Yo dad!

Mother: Hi honey, and how many times I have told you to wear a hat?

Coach: Elizabeth, the world is crashing and burning around us, but you worry about my hat.

Mother: But the Digest said that the bald men have to watch out in the winter.

Coach: Bald men have to watch out all the time, did you ever hear of birds?

Mother: Ok, you just sit here and gnaw on your salami.

Coach: I don't know, work hard, and you do a good job, and there is a budget cut, you lose the whole salami?

Mother: You can always sell medical supplies for Floyd's Company.

Coach: You didn't called that idiot brother of yours did you?

Mother: Oh no, no, no, no.I wouldn't do that without telling you first.Besides he wasn't home.What is all talk about selling medical supplies anyway?You are a teacher and a good teacher, now remember, those who can't teach those who can't sell suppositories.

Coach: Honey, I put in 12 years at that school, 12 years!And what have I accomplished?We sacrifice a lot to get by on that kind of money.

Mother: That is because teaching is a calling from god.

Coach: Maybe this time he called the wrong number.Has one kid ever walked up to me and said."yo coach, you made a difference in my life"?I'd settle for ..."I'm better off for having known you."

Mother: I am sure better off for having known you.

Coach: Honey, do you mind if I have a little bit of time alone out here, just to kind of sit and figure out what the point is for everything nowadays?

Mother: You will wear a hat?

Coach: Yes I will wear it, there you see the empire is safe.

Mother: Graham?

Coach: Elizabeth, I think I need a little bit more time than that.

Mother: I thought maybe little Harvey here might just help you figure out what the point it is nowadays.

Coach: So, Harvey, what do you expect from this cock-eyed world, hum...?I wouldn't mind clean diapers myself.What do you prefer, bottle or breast.Me too.

Mother: Yes.Do you have a number for the Seavers, in Long Island?No I can't talk any louder, this is a secret.

Mike: How stupid can I be?

Jason: To bad Carol is not here to answer that.

Mike: Hi, Dad.

Jason: You've been out here for quite a while.

Mike: Yeah look, if you don't mind I would kind or like to be alone tonight?

Jason: No, I don't mind.

Mike: Dad, How can I be alone if you are sitting out here with me?

Jason: Mike, what you did was not wrong.

Mike: Dad, please look, if I didn't do anything, the coach would still have his job tell the end of this semester, and Carol would still be winning her stupid perfect attendance awards.

Jason: Mike, your mother was right; maybe we got carried away before you ever got into this I should have warned you that sometimes it can hut when you go to the wall for a principal.There is a downside to peeking in windows.We should listen to your mom, do you know what I am saying?

Mike: Yeah, you are saying that mom heard you said that she was wacko.

Maggie: Oh that looks great, Ben.

Ben: Thanks, now please tell me who is coming over for dinner?

Maggie: It's a secret.Wait a minute, you've only set 12 places, its 13, now you have to redo it.

Ben: How about if I don't eat?What am I saying?

Mike: Understanding?He cut my suspensions so I am only out of school one day.

Carol: One day?One day short of the perfect attendance record.

Mike: Oh, the horror.

Jason: What's going on?

Maggie: Why do you think there is something going on?

Jason: Maggie?

Maggie: Oh, Mike would you answer that door?

Mike: Yeah.

Coach's wife: You are Mike.Oh!It is such an honor to meet you.

Mike: It its?

Coach's wife: Oh you must be carol it is an honor to meet...Maggie...

Maggie: Elizabeth.

Coach's wife: Oh, we finally meet in person!

Maggie: Yes, you are pregnant!

Coach's wife: Always.

Maggie: Me too.

Mike: Well, hello.

Cindy: Mike, long time, no see.

Wendy: What are you doing?

Cindy: Don't shove me, Wendy.

Maggie: Where is your husband?

Coach's wife: He is out in the car, he is so bullheaded.

Mike: Ladies, there is plenty of me to go around.

Coach's wife: Listen, kids, I have to talk to Maggie for a minute, so could you take over the introductions, oh...umm Marie?

Marie: All right, Wendy is the pushy one.Cindy is the over developed one.The one in turmoil is Coney.

Constance: Constance

Merry: No one cares.Sherry is the short one.Jerry is in the pants.Harvey is the one who just stained my blouse.

Maggie: I could tell you tricks I used on Jason.It always works.

Coach's wife: oh really?

Maggie: We are talking, Jason

Jason: Who are you people?

Maggie: Jason later.

Jerry: Who is the fox in the weenie suit?

Carol: Ben, forget him, he's no good.

Jason: Hi, anyone want a soft drink?Ben, Take care of them.

Maggie: You could do it.

Coach's wife: I just hate to lie with confessional week away

Maggie: Well, don't think if it is a lie, Elizabeth, remember, the whole point of this is to get mike and your husband together.

Coach's wife: You are right; ok please give me a minute.

Coach: So it Mike wants to apologize, Why doesn't he just come out here?

Coach's wife: Honey, I don't know, but he is waiting for you in the kitchen.

Coach: Promise?If I let him apologize, we can go.

Maggie: Coach Lovett wants to have a word with you in the kitchen, and he wants to thank you man to man.

Coach: So!

Mike: So!

Coach: Mike, it takes a real man to admit his mistakes.

Coach: Hold on, hold on, I believe we are here for an apology.

Mike: Ok, if that what you want.

Coach: About two words like I'm sorry!

Mike: Great!You are going to say them soon?

Coach: You expect me to say I'm sorry.

Mike: No, just say thank you.

Coach: Why do I thank you?

Mike: Well I did get arrested for you!

Coach: Who asked you to?

Mike: Nobody.

Coach: And now that I am out of work, are you going to help me keep those mouths filled?And are you goin to explain to my Constance why she cannot have her braces?And are you going to help me send out another 65 resumes?

Mike: Look, coach, I didn't mean if you did get fired.

Mike: Coach, I only want to pay you back.

Coach: Pay me back for what?I don't know, you've done a lot for me.

Coach: When you say I have done a lot for you, does that mean anything like your better off having known me?

Mike: I mean I wouldn't use the exact words.

Coach: Well but ......something like that?

Mike: Yeah, I guess you could say that I am better off having known you.

Jason: Maggie is there something I can do to help get this dinner going?

Maggie: Jason, there are more important things going on then dinner.

Jason: Four children just fainted over here.

Maggie: Oh, look who is here!

Ben: Dinner!

Coach: Hold on, hold on, everybody before we start to eat tonight, I just like to say a few words from the heart.I just want to apologize for all the sewage I have been pumping lately.I mean why b*at around the bush.Let's face it.I have been full of ...

Coach's wife: That was a very nice speech.

Coach: I've not done.You see the point I make that is I was ready to give up.I couldn't see how anything I have done mattered, and I couldn't see how teaching mattered, and you know it wasn't like that?

Kids: When I was growing up...

Coach: It wasn't.People respected the teachers, and there wasn't all the damn graffiti all over the place.And you could feel safe in your own home.And family stood up for their own even if they were not particularly find of them, and I am not talking about your brother, Elizabeth.

Coach's wife: I think you promise us a point.

Carol: Ah that was nothing.Shut up Mike

Maggie: It was no problem.I only set 8 other places.

Ben: You set the table?

Coach: And doctor Seaver, thanks for teaching Mike to sit down for what he believes in.

Jason: Pleasure was all mine.

Coach: And Mike thanks for reminding me, why I became a teacher and why I can't give it up.How can I ever thank you?

Mike: Well, could you spare a couple of your daughters?

Coach: Not a chance.

Mike: I never would have forgave myself if I didn't ask .

Coach: And one last thing I'd like to thank my Elizabeth for being a major pain in the butt.

Coach's wife: Oh, Graham, any time.

Coach: And kids you know how I feel about you.

Boy: Well we love you too, you big dump chuckle head.

Kids: Oh dad!Whatever happens we will be behind you all the way .

Coach: Thanks, thanks, I know we'll do just fine in California.Let's eat.

Kids: California?No.....
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "03x25 - How the West Was Won: Part 2"}