[Open on a close up of Brandon’s eye as he adds flesh-toned shading to a canvas. He looks at the model’s crossed legs then back at the portrait. He studies the face on the canvas which sparkles in the light. The model, Susan. is a woman in her thirties. The camera explores the studio and comes to rest on her. She’s sitting among several pillows on a couch and is nude. Her right leg is tucked under her and the left is crossed over it. Her arms are crossed over her left thigh, hiding her nipples.

Susan: I still can't believe you talked me into this.

Anthony: [chuckling] Come on, honey. You're gonna throw him off.

Brandon: It's okay. I'm almost done. A little more light on your hips.

Susan: [grimacing] Oh, God. Why couldn't you have come up with this before I had two kids?

Anthony: [chuckling] You look amazing.

Brandon: Okay, I think… yeah, I'm done. Wanna come take a look?

[Anthony holds a fuchsia robe for Susan as Brandon signs the painting.]

Susan: I can’t. You first. [They both giggle.]

Anthony: No, we'll look together.

[As they face the canvas their faces freeze, unsmiling.]

Susan: I don't understand. I… I thought —

Anthony: What the hell is that?

Susan: Honey. It's okay.

Anthony: This is not what we discussed, or what I paid for.

Brandon: I don't understand. I think this is one of the best I've ever done.

Anthony: I want my money back.

Brandon: I'm sorry, but this is not some department store photo studio.

Anthony: [pointing] And this is not my wife.

Brandon: Yes, it is. You asked me to paint her exactly as she looks. That's exactly what I did.

[Anthony punches Brandon who knocks the easel over as he falls.]

Susan: Honey! Oh, stop it!

Heather: [running down from the loft] What's going on? Brandon!

Anthony: That check… better be in my mailbox by Friday. Or I'll be back. [to Susan] Come on!

Heather: [to Brandon] What happened?

Brandon: [sitting up and wiping blood from his nose] I don't know. They saw the painting and they just freaked out.

Heather: [picking up the canvas] Brandon, what is this?

Brandon: What do you mean? It's her portrait. [She looks at him, puzzled.] What's wrong with it?

[The portrait looks like a bad cross between a Francis Bacon and a George Grosz. The left eye is high on the forehead, the right down on the cheek.]

[Opening Credits]

[Cut to the cafeteria. House and Lucas are having coffee. House is going through some papers.]

House: Why's this in here?

Lucas: First column, last entry.

House: [looks at it and smiles] Today is going to be a good day.

[Cuddy walks up to the table.]

Cuddy: This him?

House: [simultaneously] No.

Lucas: Yes.

House: She means are you the private investigator whose bills I've tried to slip through as medical expenses?

Lucas: Oh. [standing] Hi. I'm Lucas Douglas, PI.

Cuddy: This hospital's not putting a private investigator on retainer. Nor is it gonna pay any more phony repairs on vending machines, cryostats, or elevators.

House: Information saves lives. Saving lives saves money.

Cuddy: No, saving lives costs money, which is why I'm trying to make sure there's still some left! You want your own personal PI, you're gonna have to pay for him yourself. [to Lucas] Sorry.

Lucas: No, I understand. Hey, I… I like the shoes, by the way.

Cuddy: [leaving] Uh… thank you.

House: You don't like her shoes. You like her legs.

Lucas: It sounds less creepy if you say shoes.

House: Less creepy, more gay.

Lucas: That's my firm's motto. What is a cryostat?

House: No idea. Whoever fixed ours is about to get stiffed. [He balls up one of the sheets of paper and tosses it in the trash can. Two points.]

[Cut to the Diagnostics Conference Room. The team is looking at several of Brandon’s paintings. None of them are particularly good but only the one of Susan is distorted.)

Thirteen: There's no distorted perspective in any of his other recent works.

Taub: Not much talent, either.

Foreman: So the symptoms just came on. Acute onset visual agnosia points to a stroke or brain tumor.

Taub: MRI revealed no stroke or brain tumor.

Foreman: We should do another with contrast.

Thirteen: If he's like the other struggling artists I've known, he's also into drugs. We should… [to House] What are you looking at?

House: Apparently, a moron. One, ER routinely tests for drugs. If it was positive, we wouldn't be looking at this file. Two, who pays 12% interest on a car loan?

Thirteen: How did you —? Did you run a credit check on me?

House: No. That would be illegal. Interestingly enough, paying someone to run it for me, though… [The entire team looks annoyed.] What? It's part of my job.

Thirteen: Your job is to diagnose patients.

House: Which I do with the team. How am I supposed to know how best to utilize that team if I don't know everything about them? Say that Van Gogh turns out to have neurosyphilis, and our last vial of penicillin is in a storeroom at the end of a 20-mile hallway with a two-foot high ceiling.

Taub: You've discovered that one of us has been hiding the ability to stretch or shrink themselves?

House: No. I would never out someone's super powers. [He wheels his chair to his desk and gives Thirteen a pile of papers that was there.] This, on the other hand…

Thirteen: [to Kutner] You crawled 20 miles?

Kutner: My name's in the Guinness book.

Taub: I'll bet that really impresses the babes.

Kutner: I didn't do it to get the babes.

Taub: No. That would cheapen the purity of your achievement.

[House watches this interaction and smiles.]

Foreman: Sorry to interrupt, but we have a patient with a probable brain tumor.

Taub: Who needs an MRI with contrast, we've established that. What do you got on Taub?

House: I got nothing on Taub.

Thirteen: Could also be environmental. We should check his studio for toxins, mold, fungus.

House: Taub's wife, on the other hand…

Foreman: House. That's enough.

House: Dad's right. This is no time for gossip. A patient desperately needs our help. Check his head and his house.

Kutner: Can't Lucas —

House: [grabbing report out of Thirteen’s hand] Nope. He's very busy.

[Cut to MRI lab.]

Foreman: If there is a tumor, this test will show us —

Brandon: Is that stuff dangerous?

Thirteen: This is just the contrast material. There is a small risk of an anaphylactic reaction.

Brandon: I could stop breathing?

Foreman: Don't worry. We're prepared to deal with whatever happens.

Brandon: You know, I did some drawings this morning, and they seemed fine. So maybe it was just a reaction to something I ate.

Foreman: How many people you know have reactions like that to something they ate for breakfast?

Brandon: But if I'm getting better…

Foreman: You’ll continue to get better. If you're not, we need to know why not so we can start treatment immediately.

Heather: Baby, let them do the test.

[He takes the clipboard from Foreman and signs the consent form.]

[Cut to Brandon’s studio. Kutner is looking at a tube of paint.]

Kutner: Can lead poisoning cause visual agnosia?

Taub: Not without lead showing up in the blood work. [enters from another room] Nothing in the medicine cabinet except some harmless toiletries. No signs of mold or fungus anywhere, either.

Kutner: You think House really got something on your wife?

Taub: No. Not that I'd care if he did.

Kutner: Wait, your wife's doing the doorman in your bed, and they're sweating all over the sheets that you paid for and —

Taub: My wife's not doing the doorman.

Kutner: How do you know?

Taub: We don't have a doorman. And I just do, okay? Drop it.

Kutner: In college, my friends and I came up with an inverse-square law.

Taub: Sounds like a real fun group.

Kutner: The girls who you think are the most inhibited… straight arrows… They're the ones you hook up with.

Taub: Are you saying my wife's a slut?

Kutner: I'm saying if my wife was a slut, I'd wanna know.

[Cut to radiology viewing room. The MRI results are on a light board.]

Kutner: His place was clean.

House: So is his head. Even with contrast, no masses, no lesions. A neurological symptom with no apparent neurological cause.

Foreman: Time course means we can rule out cancer and MS.

House: Just leaves toxins or drugs.

Taub: You called Thirteen a moron for thinking it was drugs.

House: Yeah. When she said it, she had other options. And I really just wanted to segue into her stupid loan and your —

Foreman: A cavernous angioma in the brain could leak. Once the blood gets reabsorbed, the pressure goes down, the symptom goes away.

Thirteen: He'll never consent to petrosal vein sampling.

House: Really?

Thirteen: He was nervous about an injection of contrast.

House: Is his girlfriend hot? I'm not talking fever here. I mean, is she all curvy and perky?

Thirteen: Very… and if he dies, it's good news for all of us, but —

House: That explains why all his paintings suck. And what's wrong with him. [He starts to leave.]

Thirteen: Where are you going?

House: To tell him he may have a massive brain tumor.

Thirteen: He doesn't.

House: I know. I'm not a moron. It's drugs.

[Cut to Brandon’s room. House enters.]

House: You seem to have a massive brain tumor.

Brandon: Who are you?

Thirteen: [entering] He's Dr. House. He's pleased to meet you.

House: We found no trace on any of your imaging, so we need to cut your head open. It's risky, but it's the only way to save your life.

Brandon: No.

House: Wrong answer.

Brandon: I'm not allowed to say no?

House: You're not allowed to not be terrified. There's only two good reasons not to be terrified in a hospital. You're delusional. But then you're not afraid of contrast material either. Or you know you're fine. Since we haven't told you you're fine, you obviously have information that we don't have. What drugs are you on?

Thirteen: His drug tests were clean.

House: Drug tests only test for drugs they've made tests for.

Thirteen: What are you talking about?

House: Hottie thinks that he's a great artist, selling art to the rich and tasteful. She's stupid enough to be fooled by the canvases, but bank accounts don't lie. He needed money. [to Brandon] There's not many jobs you can do that don't require time, training, and intelligence. And I know you're not a news anchor or a supermodel, 'cause those jobs seldom cause agnosia. [to Thirteen] He's a guinea pig. Companies pay him to test their untested drugs. [pause. Brandon doesn’t say anything.] Did hottie go for a pee or coffee? Either way, I don't think we should waste any time on denials.

Brandon: The clinical trials were supposed to be safe. The drugs are about to be approved by the FDA.

Thirteen: Drugs? How many trials are you on?

Brandon: Three.

House: Admirable. Not many idiots have that much ambition. You've been symptom-free since your admission, so whatever you took has probably cleared your system now. You'll be fine. [to Thirteen] Keep him overnight, just to make sure, and get the names of all the trials he's been in. [He starts to leave.]

Brandon: You gonna tell Heather?

House: [as he’s closing the door] Couldn't, even if I cared enough to want to.

[Cut to House’s office. He enters and picks up his backpack from behind his desk. Someone enters. House looks at his watch.]

House: Not bad. You almost made it the whole day.

Taub: What'd you find out?

House: The point is to see how everyone reacts. Let me go get the rest of the g*ng.

Taub: Cut the crap, House.

House: Your wife has a separate bank account in her name only. She's been making weekly cash deposits for about a year now. No withdrawals… yet.

Taub: That's it? A bank account?

House: A secret bank account.

Taub: What makes you think it's a secret?

House: Because if it wasn't, you'd call it "the" bank account.

Taub: Damn. Always forget to use the right article when lying. It's not secret. We're refurnishing. We set the budget, set up an account. I just couldn't make it to the bank the day we opened it.

House: You're spending almost $100,000 on furniture?

Taub: [carefully] Yes.

[Both their beepers go off.]

[Cut to Brandon’s room. Foreman is there with several nurses running around. Brandon is seizing. A nurse has an instrument in his mouth. Taub and House enter.]

Taub: What happened?

Foreman: I don't know. He was fine, then all of a sudden, he started seizing.

Heather: He said you told him he was better. What's happening? What's wrong with him?

House: She is hot.

[Cut to the team walking down the hall.]

House: Obviously the drugs weren't out of his system.

Kutner: None of these drugs, nor the drugs that they're derived from, are known for causing seizures.

House: By themselves, no. But three unproven, untested drugs? It’s like the mod squad. No one could stop them.

Kutner: Ridiculous that they let people take potentially dangerous drugs for money.

House: Just to short-circuit that discussion, people should not be testing drugs because they're desperate. But people won't test drugs unless they're desperate. We need drugs to save children and puppies. Ergo, we need desperate people. Ergo, welfare kills sick children.

[They reach the vending machines. House holds out his hand. Taub, Kutner and Thirteen start digging in their pockets. Kutner hands him some change.]

Thirteen: First drug —

House: Why don't we call it bisexidrine? [The others stare at him.] Clinical trials involve experimental drugs. Means they don't have comforting, catchy names yet. Just random, unmemorable trial numbers. [to Thirteen] Go ahead.

Thirteen: Bisexidrine is designed as an anticoagulant. Phase one indicated some risk of nausea, ED and insomnia. Second drug.

House: Cuckoldisol.

Kutner: She is having an affair?

House: Worse. Sex can be dismissed as hormonal or emotional. Can be easily regretted. Money is always a calculated decision.

Taub: My wife has her own bank account that House doesn't think I know about.

House: Shocking. Discuss.

Foreman: Drug B is an autoimmune treatment. Almost no side effects.

Taub: But even if it's doing what it's supposed to be doing, it doesn't mix well with anticoagulants or anticonvulsives.

Kutner: Which is the third drug?

House: Worldssorestkneesisil. [Kutner smiles] Cuddy used to have that title, by the way.

Foreman: There's a million ways these drugs could interact if they're doing what they're supposed to. If they're not, two million.

House: And it'd be interesting to know which of those interactions was causing the problem. Unfortunately, we don't have to. We just have to stop the interacting.

Kutner: If we don't know which —

House: Stop them all. Put him on dialysis. Clear out his system.

Taub: Rapid detox risks arrhythmia, another seizure, hepatic failure.

House: Difference is, we know what those risks are. Put him on dialysis.

[Cut to Brandon’s room.]

Brandon: Dialysis. Use that for kidney failure, right?

Thirteen: Don't worry. Your kidneys are fine.

Taub: He's not worried about his kidneys. He's worried about how he's going to explain the dialysis to his girlfriend.

Brandon: I just don't want her to worry.

Thirteen: You mean you don't want her to leave you?

Brandon: What's wrong with that? I love her. It's not like I've lied to her about anything important. I am an artist. I've sold plenty of paintings in the past. It's just… I've h*t a bit of a dry spell lately, is all.

Thirteen: So tell her that.

Taub: He can't. He wants her to be happy too. He's telling her what she wants to hear.

[Thirteen and Taub are leaving the room, walking past the nurses’ station.]

Thirteen: You didn't know?

Taub: No.

Thirteen: What are you gonna do?

Taub: She's not sleeping around. She's not gambling it away. She hasn't even spent any of it. So I don't see a reason to do anything.

Thirteen: You don't think a conversation might —

Taub: How many people do you know in completely happy and fulfilled relationships?

Thirteen: [thinks] None.

Taub: I am. Most people cling to some storybook notion of what a relationship is. You can't have an imperfect thought. You can't have a private zone. You can't —

Thirteen: Steal money and hide it away in a secret account?

Taub: She makes me happy. I make her happy. It works. Because we don't do storybook. And I don't plan to poke into her business.

[Cut to the lobby the next morning. As House enters, Taub approaches him.]

Taub: You were right about the dialysis. He made it through the night without any more seizures or visual symptoms.

House: And I am going to be just as right after breakfast up in my office. The only difference is I'm gonna be right in front of other people. Which means you're not here to talk about the medicine.

Taub: You can screw with me all you want at work, but stay out of my personal life.

House: What did she say?

Taub: Did you just hear what I said?

House: I heard the part about “you can screw with me at work all you want.”Want my advice?

Taub: Of course not.

House: Good, 'cause I have no idea what you should do. I only know what you're going to do. You're gonna —

Taub: I said I didn't want your advice.

House: I said this is not advice. You are going to forgive her for opening that account, and you're going to confess everything you've done, and then you're gonna beg her to forgive you.

Taub: What purpose could that possibly serve?

House: None. Which is why I'm not saying you should. But you will.

[House gets in the elevator, leaving Taub in the lobby.]

[Cut to the elevator.]

Lucas: What's your end game?

[House fidgets with his ear. He’s listening to Lucas on a transmitter.]

House: Where are you?

Lucas: [in the clinic waiting area] At the track.

House: That's, like, six miles away. How cool are these things?

Lucas: I feel like an idiot. The woman sitting next to him shifts further away.] I'm not giving you any more of my stuff.

House: You have those night vision goggles?

Lucas: No.

House: You're lying.

Lucas: You like making him miserable. You like driving people away from you.

House: He deserved to know the truth.

Lucas: There was no truth until you dug it up.

House: You do know that stuff exists even when you can't see it, right?

[Cuddy comes to the nurses’ station and sees him.]

Lucas: [whispering] It was a truth that mattered to him and a truth that mattered to her. Why did it matter to you?

House: First of all, stop saying "a" truth. There is only one truth.

Lucas: That may be true for you.

House: [leaving the elevator and talking loudly] Miserable people save more lives. If your life has meaning, your job doesn't have to have meaning. Screw-ups are more palatable if you have someone's arms to go cry in.

Lucas: Yeah, that makes sense.

House: Usually I have more of a fight on that one.

Lucas: So why are you making Taub miserable?

House: I just said!

Lucas: He left his last job to save his marriage. If his marriage falls apart, you think he'll be working harder for you or you think he won't be working for you at all?

[House thinks for a moment then opens his office door.]

[Cut to Brendan’s room. His neck is so swollen that his chin has disappeared.]

Foreman: His head and neck are completely swollen. I need a trache kit. His throat's closing. [Foreman uses ambu-bag while Kutner gets the trache kit.] Can't find any landmarks.

Kutner: Just start cutting.

Foreman: An exploratory trache?

Kutner: We don't have a choice.

Foreman: [cuts Brendan’s neck] Got it. [He inserts the trache tube.]

[Cut to Brendan’s room. He’s sitting up in bed but still swollen beyond recognition. Heather and a nurse are with him. Voice over by Kutner.]

[Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room]

Kutner: His face is so swollen it squeezed his tear ducts shut. We've been lubricating his eyes by hand. We started him on steroids, IV and cream, to reduce the swelling, but it's having limited effect.

Taub: Negative for thrombosis and Chagas. Could be infection.

Thirteen: Culture's still negative.

Foreman: Could be his immune system's on hyperdrive. Cytokine storm.

House: [studying papers in front of him] Why would you pay for a three-year gym membership and only go twice? [The others stare at him.] Sorry. You guys still diagnosing? Thought we'd finished hours ago. You remember, when we decided it was the unproven, unapproved cocktail of drugs he's been downing like… well, like a cocktail.

Foreman: He just completed a total dialysis. If it was the drugs, he'd be better.

House: Or he'd be worse. [pause] I take it none of you saw Trainspotting.

Thirteen: You think swelling is a symptom of withdrawal?

House: You think it's a coincidence that three new symptoms cropped up as soon as we took him off the drugs?

Taub: It's possible some of the symptoms —

House: [fiddling with pill bottle] Either the drugs are the answer, or the drugs are a coincidence. If it's one, we have to find a better way to detox him. If it's two, we have to know which symptoms are withdrawal-related before we can formulate a diagnosis. Which means we have to find a better way to detox him. [takes Vicodin]

Taub: So how do we do it?

House: Hair of the drug that bit him.

Kutner: That's ridiculous. If it is the drugs, they're dangerous, and they've already caused —

House: That's why we're gonna put him back on the drugs, and then wean him off again. Just much slower. [The fellows look at Foreman.] Why are you looking at him?

Foreman: Try it out.

House: You heard the boss! Go!

[Thirteen, Kutner and Taub start to leave.]

House: Taub —

Taub: I didn't talk to her. [He keeps walking.]

[Cut to the clinic. Lucas has his newspaper up near his face. Cuddy strides over and grabs the paper.]

Cuddy: Why are you —

Man: Excuse me.

Cuddy: Uh, sorry. [It’s not Lucas.]

[She turns back and sees Lucas going through her desk.]

Lucas: He does look like me, doesn't he?

Cuddy: You gave him your hat.

Lucas: I needed you out of here, so I could go through your desk.

Cuddy: Of course.

Lucas: Nice blouse. I really like that color on you.

Cuddy: Tell House that if he wants to know what I'm doing, all he has to do —

Lucas: It's not House, it's — it's me. I was… I don't know, I was thinking maybe we could get together for a drink or something. I wasn't sure exactly what you like to do. So I thought —

Cuddy: You'd spy on me.

Lucas: No. No. Not spying. More like research. I think it's a good idea to get to know a little bit more about a woman before you ask her out. [leans back in her desk chair.] Show you care about more than just what she looks like.

Cuddy: As romantic as you make that sound, I'm pretty sure that what you're doing is… not so much caring as creepy.

Lucas: That's not fair.

Cuddy: You were scrounging through my desk.

Lucas: What the hell am I gonna find out? You went to Michigan. You like your sandwiches a little light on mayo. You stay in touch with your mother. You rented the English Patient and you gave money to Amnesty International. There's not one thing I can find out in here that you wouldn't tell a coworker while riding in an elevator. [pause] I'm not a creep. I just thought you seemed interesting. [pause. quietly] I'll go now.

[He picks up his jacket and a cellophane-wrapped bouquet of roses.]

Lucas: Yeah, these, um… [Cuddy doesn’t move. He puts the flowers on her desk and starts to leave. At the doorway, he snaps his fingers and turns.] I'll give you embarrassing info on House.

Cuddy: In exchange for —

Lucas: No, no need for a date. You'd be employing me, so I'd have all the time in the world to ask you all about you, and it would fall under the category of socializing instead of creepy stalking.

Cuddy: And I'd be paying you?

Lucas: I know it's weird. But if you pay me while I check you out, it's — it's all cool. And you get value. You get leverage against him. Help you keep him in line.

Cuddy: You think I need help keeping House in line?

Lucas: No. Nope. Sorry. [starts leaving again]

Cuddy: This hospital can't afford —

Lucas: [turns back] Oh, whatever you can afford.

Cuddy: How'd you know I liked roses?

Lucas: I was in your house last night. [She gapes at him.] No! I'm kidding. Who the hell doesn't like roses? [He leaves quickly.]

[Cut to Taub and Rachel Taub having dinner at home.]

Rachel: I forgot to tell you. The Parker Quartet's gonna play at the library fund raiser. [He doesn’t react.] That's it? It was your idea.

Taub: They'll be great.

Rachel: You okay?

Taub: I couldn't find the letter opener. I went through some of the drawers in your desk looking for it. There were a bunch of statements in there from Jefferson Mutual.

Rachel: [takes several deep breaths.] I was so close.

Taub: To what? You've got $83,000 socked away in a secret account.

Rachel: Not anymore. I wanted to keep it a surprise, but… I bought you the car. [laughs]

Taub: Uh, the one that — that I…

Rachel: I knew you would never buy it yourself, so… I've been saving. And it's gonna be delivered on Friday. [She comes around the table to hug him.]

Taub: You are amazing.

Rachel: Lucky you.

[Cut to Brandon’s room. The swelling is gone. The trache tube is gone and Thirteen is stitching up his neck.]

Thirteen: We've gradually reduced your dosage. You're actually drug-free now.

Brandon: I feel great. Thanks to you.

Thirteen: All part of the job. Your blood pressure's normal. Can you sit up? [He does. As she leans in to listen to his chest with her stethoscope, he bites her neck.] Hey! [He grabs her and pulls her onto the bed, on top of him.] What are you doing?

[She punches him and gets off the bed as nurses rush in, followed by Foreman.]

Brandon: Ah, ahh!

Foreman: What happened to his face?

Thirteen: Question is what happened to his hormones? We're gonna need an ice pack in here.

[Cut to Brandon’s room later. He is asleep and his arms are tied to the bed rails.]

[Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room.]

Kutner: We can rule out the clinical trial drugs at this point. His system has been completely cleaned twice. Unless the drugs found a hiding place under the stairs…

Taub: Drugs could have set off a dormant neurological condition.

House: Good point. Coming clean can cause a lot of damage. Alienation, divorce.

Taub: My wife's buying me a car.

House: I was talking about the patient.

Taub: You were wrong.

House: Divorce was metaphorical.

Foreman: What about Kluver-Bucy syndrome? Bilateral lesions in the temporal lobes. Visual agnosia and hyper-sexuality are the key symptoms.

House: Good thing he's got that girlfriend. If it's Kluver-Bucy, his brain'll melt down, he'll try to swallow his own hands, and she can take care of him for the rest of his talentless life.

[Taub gets up and confronts House.]

Taub: You owe me an apology. Any rationalization you had for meddling in my private life disappeared when she had good reason —

House: You're right. Fact is, nothing I said applies. You had no reason to forgive her. Therefore, no reason to seek forgiveness. No reason to be an idiot.

[Taub, Thirteen and Foreman all look taken aback at the apology. Kutner sits back down.]

Thirteen: Kluver-Bucy wouldn't explain the seizure or the cytokine storm.

Foreman: Withdrawal complications.

House: Then again, she is handing you a giant gift that you don't think you deserve.

Thirteen: The fact that the MRI showed no lesions on the temporal lobe tends to rule out your lesions on the temporal lobe theory.

Foreman: The damage can be a circulatory issue rather than structural. We wouldn't see that on the MRI.

House: Foreman's right. [to Taub] Go call your wife, tell her you're not coming home 'cause you have to give the patient a cranial MR angiogram. Then say good night and hang up.

[Cut to House’s apartment. It’s dark. He turns on the light, drops his keys on the table and takes off his jacket. He opens the hall closet. Lucas is sitting in on the floor with a shoebox in his hand.]

Lucas: Odd that a man who can't run would own so many pairs of sneakers.

House: [hands Lucas his jacket] You wanna hang this up when you're done?

Lucas: I have to find something embarrassing about you.

House: No, you don't.

Lucas: I ordered us Indian. Not too embarrassing, just something credible.

House: [getting beer from the refrigerator] Well, if you hand her that, she's not gonna need you anymore.

Lucas: Well, if I don't hand her anything, she'll think I'm incompetent.

House: I don't care if she thinks you're incompetent.

Lucas: This isn't gonna work.

House: It's worked so far.

Lucas: No, I'm no good at lying.

House: I know. That's why your cover is that you want to do her. [takes Vicodin]

Lucas: I like her. I don't wanna do her.

House: Then what's the point of liking her?

Lucas: I meant I don't just want to do her. I like her. What do you think you're gonna find out about her?

House: Something… personal. Something embarrassing. I spend half my life negotiating with that woman. Anything I can use to scare her into saying yes.

Lucas: Okay.

House: Okay? You're okay with being paid twice to facilitate blackmail?

Lucas: I'm okay. I don't believe you, but I'm okay. You're doing this for the same reason I'm doing this. We'll see who gets there first.

[Cut to radiology viewing room. The angiogram films are on the table.]

Kutner: Here it is. Circle of Willis, the vessels are narrow.

House: Narrow for you, normal for him. If there were problems with the vessels, he'd have had symptoms long ago.

Taub: Not if something else changed.

House: Like?

Taub: His heart. He could have recently gotten an intermittent arrhythmia.

House: I know "heart" and "head" start with the same three letters, but you gotta read all the way to the end.

Taub: The experimental drug is causing arrhythmia, which causes low blood pressure. Combine that with those narrow vessels, the brain doesn't get enough blood. That causes all of his symptoms. If we can trigger the arrhythmia and identify it, we might be able to stop it from k*lling him.

House: Been home?

Taub: No.

House: Good. Do an EP study. Find the arrhythmia.

[Cut to Taub and two orderlies wheeling Brandon through the hall.]

Taub: We're gonna insert three electrocatheters into your heart.

Brandon: Tell Dr. Hadley I'm sorry.

Taub: She understands. And you should tell her yourself.

Brandon: Maybe I should tell Heather about —

Taub: You're gonna be fine.

Brandon: She's just so supportive. And so great. All I do is lie to her.

Taub: What happens if you tell her?

Brandon: I don't know.

Taub: You love her, right?

Brandon: More than anything, and she loves me.

Taub: If you open your mouth, one of two things happens. She either forgives you or she leaves you. At best, you wind up exactly where you are right now. It's noble to want to confess. Really, it is. But if the result's just damage and pain, that's not noble. That's selfish.

[Cut to procedure room.]

Taub: Stimulate right atrium.

Thirteen: No more conduction.

Taub: How long you plan on keeping me from going home? Until you're convinced I'm a different person, one who won't do anything stupid?

House: Guilt fades quickly. By Wednesday, you'll be fine.

Taub: Right ventricle. And why do you want it to fade? Why do you suddenly care about my marriage?

House: Because… if it ain't broke —

Taub: You obviously think it is broke.

House: You obviously think it ain't. Your marriage is like a broken toaster. Bread keeps popping out, and you keep calling it toast. Which is weird, because you've put your bread in a lot of toasters and apparently you don't see any difference. It's kind of fascinating.

Thirteen: He's going into V-tach.

Brandon: What's wrong?

House: Good news. The test is working. Your heart's freaking out, but it's cool that you're still conscious.

Thirteen: [to Taub] Try to overdrive.

Taub: Didn't work.

[The three fellows are working frantically. Kutner pulls over the defibrillator cart. House stands there then moves closer to Brandon, staring curiously.]

Kutner: This might burn a little bit. Charging to 60. Clear.

Brandon: Ow!

Kutner: Going again, charging to 120.

House: Have you been dyeing your hair? [He’s inspecting Brandon’s temples.]

Brandon: No.

Kutner: House, clear.

House: Right. [steps back]

Brandon: Ow.

House: The hair is growing in red.

Taub: His heart rate is s*ab.

House: [to Taub] Does your theory include any genetic mutations that could cause his hair to change color? Either he's lying about dyeing… or just dying.

[Cut to hallway near nurses’ station.]

House: Red hair means it's not Kluver-Bucy. Melanin affects hair color. What affects melanin?

Taub: Hormones.

Thirteen: Hormone panels were all normal.

Taub: Age.

House: He's turning prematurely crimson?

Foreman: A genetic disorder. Waardenburg syndrome causes arrhythmias and can change hair color.

House: And make you deaf. Next.

Kutner: Found a long QT interval. I think it's Romano-Ward syndrome.

House: Explains the irregular heart rhythms.

House: But not the ginger nut.

Foreman: If he's got Romano’s, he's got at least five gene mutations. Not a big leap to think he has others that would give him the hair.

House: It also gives him the likelihood of sudden and unexpected death.

Kutner: Beta blockers don't work. His heart can't handle an ICD.

House: Pete Best. [The others look at him, waiting.] Good God! Has none of you ever read a history book? The original Beatles drummer. A bunch of nerves controls the tempo of the heart. They're all playing in time, except one dude can't keep the b*at. Wrecks the whole thing. So we hire Ringo.

Kutner: Pete Best was actually a great drummer, but I assume you mean the patient needs a cardiac sympathectomy?

House: Probably should have just said that, huh?

Taub: Start cutting nerves, you risk his swallowing, vocal cords, sweating.

House: So he saves a fortune on karaoke machines and deodorant.

Thirteen: You think he's s*ab enough for surgery?

House: If he was, he wouldn't need it.

[Cut to a photo of a young House in a white turtleneck and a cardigan. A girl in a cheerleader outfit is sitting on his shoulders.]

Cuddy: Wow. [She’s at the counter in a diner, eating toast and staring at the picture. Lucas is leaning on the counter and staring at her.] Wow.

Lucas: Yeah. Do you have any brothers and sisters?

Cuddy: One sister. He told me he was on the lacrosse team.

Lucas: In high school. In college, he just cheered the lacrosse team on to victory.

Cuddy: Wow.

Lucas: Yeah. How’s your relationship with your dad?

Cuddy: Fine. You have three more questions.

Lucas: How’s your relationship with your mom?

Cuddy: Fine.

Lucas: When did you lose your virginity?

Cuddy: Not something I'd discuss with coworkers in an elevator.

Lucas: And… And… You know, don’t you?

Cuddy: A bit of a wasted third question. 'Cause the answer is "know what?"

Lucas: Okay, bear with me here. Because some people sometimes consider my thought processes complicated. I'm into you, 'cause you're hot. And smart. In that order, but both are needed. Photos can be retouched. And House is an evil genius, which makes this photo suspicious. And yet you're not suspicious. Which means either you're not smart enough to be suspicious, in which case I am less interested in you, or you're not suspicious because you know this is actually a doctored photo of House, in which case I am more interested in you. But I am wasting my time because you know this is a game we are playing on you, and I am busted and I'm screwed.

Cuddy: I know the photo's a fake. And I know this is a game.

Lucas: I'm sorry. Too bad. Good-bye. [He makes it to the door and turns around.] So you knew that I wasn't gonna give you anything worthwhile? An — and you were never gonna give me anything worthwhile. Then why did you bother coming out with me?

Cuddy: I… wanted to screw with House.

Lucas: By wasting my time? That doesn't make sense. No, uh… There must be another reason. Hmmmm. Is it okay if I sit back down here?

[Cuddy smiles and giggles a little. He smiles back.]

[Cut to Brandon’s room. Taub and Thirteen are talking to him.]

Thirteen: Your heartbeat's out of control. We need to surgically sever the connection between your heart and brain.

[Cut to Brandon’s point of view. It’s Taub and Thirteen’s voices, but it’s not them.]

Taub: We believe it's necessary, but you need to know the ramifications. You'll never be able to feel angina. You may not know if you have a heart att*ck. You may not be able to get help in time.

Brandon: Where are my regular doctors?

Thirteen: Regular doctors?

Brandon: Dr. Taub and Dr. Hadley. Why aren't they telling me this?

[The two doctors look at each other.]

Thirteen: Brandon, I am Dr. Hadley. And this is Dr. Taub.

Brandon: What are you talking about? I've never seen you before in my life.

[The doctors turn away from Brandon. It is Taub and Thirteen.]

[Cut to House getting off the elevator on the patient floor. Taub and Thirteen are waiting for him by the nurses’ station.]

Taub: We can't do the surgery. We're back to where we started. Visual agnosia.

Thirteen: We need to reexamine neurological disorders. Something's slowly progressing.

Taub: This isn't progressing. It's there, then it's not, then it is. It's a new symptom, intermittence.

House: It's irrelevant. [He’s pacing and the other two follow him.]

Taub: Since when is a new symptom irrelevant?

House: Since it points towards the same disease. Intermittence can fit with Romano-Ward. We still need to do a sympathectomy.

Taub: Maybe we missed something. Toxins.

House: When? When you checked every bottle, every can, every tube of paint? Or when you detoxed him twice?

Taub: Maybe there is a batch of toxic paint that he used up a few months ago.

Thirteen: Then he would have been sick months ago, not now.

Taub: He's lost weight since he got here.

House: That's a symptom of trying to cram hospital food down a throat he can barely get air down.

Taub: It's not a symptom, but what if the toxins were stored in his fat cells a year ago, and now they're being released into his bloodstream?

House: So where you gonna get this old paint? City dump?

Taub: On his old paintings. We know he hasn't sold one in ages. But there weren't many in his studio. He's hid them somewhere.

House: If you're wrong, he could drop d*ad from Romano-Ward at any moment. You okay with that?

Taub: Just give me a few hours.

House: You got one.

[He’s back on the elevator and the doors close.]

[Cut to Brandon’s room. Heather is with him. Taub rushes in.]

Taub: I need to talk to him alone. It's about your work. Your paintings. I need to look at all the ones you've sold recently.

Brandon: Honey, can you give us a minute?

Heather: To talk about your paintings? Brandon, please. Tell me what's going on.

Brandon: I've only sold two paintings in the last… three years. Since we met. One was to my cousin. I've been making money enrolling in drug trials. Two, three at a time.

Heather: Why did you lie to me?

Brandon: I wanna be, uh… The way you look at me. The way it makes me feel. Uh, I wanna be… what you see… when you look at me.

Heather: You think I'm that shallow? When I look at you… I see you.

Taub: So… Where are the ones you didn't sell?

[Cut to the OR. All the instruments for the sympathectomy are laid out.]

[Cut to an creaking, old, open elevator in a warehouse. Taub gets off the elevator and shines his flashlight around.]

[Cut to Chase picking up a towel in the OR.]

[Cut to Taub opening the gate with a key. He enters Brandon’s storage area and looks for the paintings.]

[Cut to Brandon being swabbed with povidone.]

[Cut to Taub finding the paintings and pulling them out from their storage slots. Some are distorted. He checks the signatures and dates on the bottom.]

[Cut to House’s office. He’s staring out the window. The phone rings.]

Taub: It's not the paint, it's the drugs.

House: He's not on the drugs. [He sits down.]

Taub: I know it doesn't make sense, but I'm looking at his paintings for the last six months. They're normal April, June, and August. But they're distorted May, July, September. [He shines a light on a different painting as he names the month each was painted.] Every other month, he was having visual agnosia, because every other month he was on all three drugs simultaneously. The statin was one month on, one month off. I don't know why the symptoms keep coming and going, but it is the drugs.

House: They're hiding under the stairs.

Taub: In the fat? That doesn't make sense. These drugs aren't fat soluble.

House: I said stairs, not closet. What was the last drug he was on before the drugs he was on when the symptoms started?

Taub: I'm not sure. I think —

House: Antacid.

Taub: How do you know?

House: It makes sense. Also, I'm looking at the file.

[He picks the file up. Taub, in the warehouse, shakes his head slightly.]

[Cut to the OR. The phone rings and a nurse answers it.]

Nurse: Yes? [She listens then hangs up. To Chase] It's Dr. House.

Chase: Oh. Wake him up. We're done.

Nurse: No, no — he says he needs surgery, but not this one.

Chase: Did he give any specifics?

Nurse: Abdominal surgery to remove a… bezoar.

[Cut to lobby. Taub is talking to Heather.]

Taub: It's like a hairball, but it's made up of undigested food. You can get it if your stomach acid's low, which Brandon’s was because of an experimental antacid. [He continues over disgusting CGI of the bezoar forming.] Fruit and vegetable fibers and skins get stuck together and form a ball. It gets sticky, ferments, grows. It starts sucking up some of the pills he'd taken. Some are never heard from again. But some get released. For the last week, it's basically been giving him massive doses of all three at once.

[Cut to the OR. Chase removes something that looks like half a pomegranate from Brandon’s stomach. He drops it with a thud into a metal dish.]

Chase: And that… is why I won't let Cameron buy a cat.

[Cut to lobby.]

Taub: He should be fine. Are you glad he told you the truth?

Heather: Yes… of course.

Taub: But… were you happier before you knew?

[There are footsteps behind Taub. Heather looks and Taub turns. A set of car keys are being dangled.]

[Cut to the garage. Taub is blindfolded with his tie. Rachel is steering him.]

Rachel: About ten more feet.

Taub: I do know what it looks like, so maybe this whole blindfold thing —

Rachel: Shh. My gift, my rules. Bump. [He half trips, half steps over the bump.] All right, if you don't like the color apparently we can exchange it, but I'm hoping. You ready? [He nods and she removes the blindfold.] Ta-dahhhhh! Do you like it? [Taub says nothing. She begins to get nervous.] Baby, are you okay?

Taub: We need to talk.

[A bluesy tune is heard. It’s coming from Houses piano. The door opens and House enters. Lucas is playing the piano.]

Lucas: She didn't buy it.

House: Damn. So you didn't get anything.

Lucas: Nothin'. We probably overstepped. You're really not the cheerleader type.

House: On the other hand, I figured she probably wouldn't figure me as the "photoshopping a photo and planting it in an obscure college paper" type either.

Lucas: Heh. Yeah, about that. I took a little trip to your alma mater.

House: You took a little trip 150 miles.

Lucas: Online, by phone. I meant I did research. [House sits and picks up a guitar. They start improvising together.] That's a real photo, isn't it? [no answer] Wow, that is humiliating.

House: There was a girl.

Lucas: Even more so. That's too bad. You wanted her to see you in a different light, and… not only didn't she see it… She didn't even believe it was possible.

House: You know, people hate people who have theories about people.

Lucase: You want me to back off?

House: Would you?

Lucas: I barely know you.

[They both smile and continue playing.]

[The End]
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x03 - Adverse Events"}