Ben: Tell me that's not Gorbachev.OK, it's resources.Iron; I can get one of those.Pottash.Mom, where do we keep the Pottash?

Carol: She's in the bathroom.What is all this?

Ben: You can't tell!

Carol: A map of Russia, drawn by keeping a pen between your toes.

Ben: That's another thing Russia has; ugly women.

Carol: You should have been working on this since you got the assignment last September.

Ben: Why?it's not due till tomorrow.Hey, don't touch the Russian dressing.

Carol: Why?

Ben: Because I'm using it as a natural resource.I do my best work under pressure.

Carol: Ben, you spend far too much time procrastinating.

Ben: You know about that?

Carol: Everybody knows about it.

Ben: Well maybe if you procrastinated once in a while you wouldn't be so tense!

Jason: Aarrgh!Ben, what's all this?

Ben: My map project for Mrs.Cunningham.

Jason: Is this the one you were griping about back in September?

Ben: Err...no, it's another one.

Maggie: What's that red square?

Ben: Red Square!What's with you people?

Jason: Well, Ben if you need any help, just ask.

Ben: Can you take me to get some paste?

Jason: No, no, no, no.Your mother and I have a...reservation and we can't be late.

Ben: Yeah well, before you go, can you at least tell me where we keep our Pottash?

Mike: Hi guys!Don't worry, I'm not staying, I'm just eating.

Jason: Hey, there it is!Mike can take you to get the paste.

Mike: Ben in my new car!

Maggie: Mike, it's not like he's going to stain the seats or something

Mike: Oh, but Mom, I've got plans, I've got big plans!I don't have time to take care of this little bozo.

Mike: Great, I come in to get a sandwich and I wind up with a weeny.

Mike: Do you really need this paste?

Ben: Yeah Mike, I have to do a 3 D map for school.

Mike: For old Mrs.Cunningham?Hey hey, is she still alive?

Ben: Enough to give me homework.Did you have to do a Turkey map too?

Mike: No Benny, it was my finest academic hour; I got Monaco.I glued one poker chip to a three by five card and I was home free!Poor Boner got Russia; eight million sqaure miles of ways to go wrong.So, what country did you get?

Ben: Just drive, OK?

Mike: Hey look, Dad gave me enough money for this paste, right?

Ben: Exact change.

Mike: Alright, I'll wait here; the less I'm seen with you the better.

Ben: Right, whatever.

Mike: What are you doing?

Ben: I forgot my comb.

Mike: Benny, you're buying paste, now what do you need your comb for?

Ben: Hey, you never know.

Mike: Benny, it's not like in there you're gonna run into a couple of babes like them.Well, hello!

Girl 1: Hi.

Mike: Well...err...how are you two ladies this evening?

Girl 2: OK.

Mike: You underestimate yourselves.

Girl 1: So, what's up?

Ben: Oh, we're just buying a little paste.

Girl 1: Sticky, sticky, sticky.

Ben: And you said I wouldn't need my comb.

Mike: Benny, where are you going?

Ben: I'm going to get my paste.

Mike: Benny, forget the paste!Come on, let's go!

Ben: Where?

Mike: After 'em, now!

Ben: No, no, no!Benny, in the car!

Mike: There!There they are in the red Votswagen!

Ben: Mike, are you sure we should be doing this?

Mike: Oh come on Benny!That's what we were put on this earth to do!We're guys.

Ben: Yeah, but where are we going?

Mike: Wherever our women are going.That's the beauty of it; it could be anywhere.

Ben: Do you think there'll be some place there'll be paste?

Mike: Oh yeah, oh I'm sure there'll be lots and lots of paste where we're going!I bet there'll be a whole house of paste.

Mike: Man, they ran the light!

Ben: So what are you, a boy scout?Come on Mike, work it what's happening?

Police Officer: You boys were going a little fast back there, were'nt you?

Ben: Not fast enough; the girls got away!

Police Officer: I see!

Mike: Ignore him officer, he's the shame of the family.

Ben: He's right, I don't know what I'm doing.I didn't want to chase girls, I wanted to finish my 3 D map for school.

Police Officer: For Mrs.Cunningham?Hey, is she still alive?

Ben: Yeah.So what country did you get?

Police Officer: Russia.

Ben: Same here.What'd you do?

Police Officer: I'm still working on it.Hey look...err...you boys got problems enough, forget the ticket.

Mike: Ha ha, yes sir!

Police Officer: I've been looking for Pottash for twenty years.

Mike: Oh yes, I just b*at a ticket!

Ben: And I helped.

Mike: Yeah!

Ben: Like I was telling Carol before, I do my best work under pressure.

Mike: Let's go get your paste.

Ben: Hey Mike, pull over!!

Mike: What?What?Where?Did you see the girls?

Ben: I heard that!Yo Haz, Bagee, Raphee, what's up?

Stinky: Ben, what are you doing in an actual car?

Ben: Oh, me and Mike have just been chasing babes, ducking cops; you know, the usual.

Stinky: Wow.

Boy: My brother won't even let me go in his car; he's afraid I'll stain the seats.

Stinky: Hey Mike, nice wheels!

Mike: Hey thank you stink man, that means a lot coming from a jockey.

Boy: So, how's the interior?

Stinky: Paste!You haven't done your map yet?Wooo.

Ben: Hey, who cares about a stinking map?We're cruising here!Let's roll, Mike!

Mike: Yo ho, Eddy!

Eddy: Michael, what are you doing in Soho flying a car?

Mike: Ah, Benny and I are just ducking babes and chasing cops!You know, the usual.

Ben: Huh?

Eddy: Yeah right!And picking up a few Bucks for babysitting the bozo, huh?

Mike: Yeah.

Ben: Yeah, I wouldn't mind that if it wasn't coming from a jockey.

Mike: Hey Benny, Benny look!!

Girls: Sticky, sticky, sticky!!

Ben: Women!

Eddy: Your women!

Mike: Yeah, those women are after me and Ben, ha!

Ben: Didn't you hear the man?They're after Mike and me.

Eddy: Yeah, well if one of you is unable to fulfil the duties of you post, I'm in there.

Ben: Go!

Eddy: Woooo!!

Ben: Hey Mike, Mike!

Mike: What?What?

Ben: It's a school night, Mike!

Eddy: Excuse me Michael, man.

Mike: Please.

Ben: You h*t me again, I'm gonna move my seat back!

Mike: Ben, here's your choices; Russia or Sticky sticky sticky.

Ben: Let's roll.

Mike: OK Eddy, how much cash you got?

Eddy: Oh, the usual.

Mike: Man, me too.Ben pull out your glue money.

Ben: I only got a Buck, eighty nine.

Mike: Err...one moment.Everybody, check the seats, now!

Eddy: Michael, what's this?

Mike: That's......

Eddy: Alright, my man!!

Ben: Oh wow!

Mike: What are you so excited about?

Ben: I don't know.

Eddy: Thirteen Cents!

Mike: Thirteen Cents!

Eddy: Alright, we're in!We're in!

Ben: Yes!

Eddy: Alright, Michael!!Wait slow down, we've got to find a girl with a training bra for Ben.

Mike: There they are, there they!

Ben: Let's go!

Jason: Honey, why are you cleaning the wind shield?

Maggie: Oh, because I can't see the movie.

Jason: I didn't bring you here for the entertainment, I brought you so that we could make-out.You know what I mean.

Maggie: Honey, what if someone sees us?

Jason: Come on, who's gonna see us?What kind of sleazy people come to a drive-in?

Maggie: You.

Jason: Exactly.

Mike: Excuse us, could you tell us which way to the drive-in?

Girl 1: Ah, it's right behind you.

Mike: Oh.

Girl 2: Why don't you come over here and face the right way?I'm Denise, and this is Shana.

Mike: Ah, hi, I'm Mike.

Girl 1: Who's the little guy?

Ben: I'm Ben.

Girl 2: Not you, silly!Him.

Eddy: Mmmm, little!Well, you know what they say about little guys, don't you?

Girl 1: Actually, I've never heard anybody say anything about little guys.

Eddy: Well, who needs this abuse?Come on guys, let's go!

Mike and Ben: See ya!

Girl 1: Found any paste yet, Ben?

Ben: Na.looking for paste seems like a dream to me now.

Eddy: I am five foot six and a half, OK?And still growing.

Jason: Why do we have to get Nachos?

Maggie: I'm starving, you lied to me about dinner.

Eddy: Maybe I should show 'em the hair on my back, that'll get 'em.

Jason: Hi, Eddy.

Jason: I'm here professionally.

Eddy: Yeah, me too.

Jason: Here with my wife.

Ben: What is Dad doing here?

Mike: I don't know.He was supposed to be going to dinner.

Ben: Maybe he got lucky.

Mike: Ben, married guys never got lucky

Girl 2: Excuse us.

Eddy: Ladies!Smart move dusting the deadwood twinski.

Ben: They didn't dust us; we're dusting them.

Girls: What?

Mike: Look, we're not dusting anyone, we just gotta leave.Let's go, Eddy.

Eddy: Hey, yo, Mikey, why do I gotta split?

Ben: Because they don't like you.

Girl 1: What happened?

Girl 2: What happened to what?

Girl 1: You were too hungry.

Girl 2: Was not.They're getting away!Start the car!Start the car!

Ben: So Mike, what do you say we go back to the store and get two more girls?

Eddy: Listen to the lad, he thinks it's so easy.He doesn't know the hours of hard work it takes, just to get a girl to look you in the eye and not puke, right Mike?

Mike: I don't know what you're talking about Eddy.

Eddy: Well, I didn't mean puke I meant, turn away with a sick look.

Mike: Hey!

Ben: What?

Mike: I think we're being followed.

Eddy: Oh, who'd follow us?

Ben: Maybe Mom and Dad spotted us!

Eddy: Oh yeah, I caught your dad at the drive-in.

Mike: And you're just now telling us!

Eddy: Well I didn't feel it was germaine

Ben: Lose Mike, lose 'em!!

Mike: Alright, alright, no problem!

Eddy: Oh oh, I think we're being followed!

Ben: May I?

Mike: Of course.Guys!Guys!Guys!Cut it out!Come on!We've got to go get 'em.

Ben: You're driving!

Mike: Oh yeah.

Eddy: Oh, Seaver, where did you purchase such a fine machine?

Mike: OK, when I say now, you pop the clutch, once the engine starts you pop it back in!What are you doing?Did I once mention the word, brakes?

Ben: I'm hungry!

Mike: You're hungry!You pick a time like now to be hungry?

Ben: I didn't pick it, my stomach did!

Eddy: Hey I could eat too, Michael.

Mike: But guys, what about the girls?

Eddy: Well they hated me, remember?

Mike: And I mean, what about the money?I mean, we have no money!

Ben: Allow me.

Mike: Who's that?

Ben: That's Francis, a kid from my class.

Eddy: Now I'm not eating garbage out of some alley, unless it's really good.

Ben: Relax!You guys want burgers?

Mike and Eddie: Yeah.

Ben: Alright, three burgers.Anybody for fries?

Mike: Sure.

Eddy: Sure.Oh, make mine onions rings, I'm gonna be alone tonight

Mike: All of that for onion rings!

Ben: Ah no, I was just wishing Francis good luck on his map tomorrow.

Mike: Oh!Oh man, this is great!

Eddy: Yeah.He gets food, he gets girls, we should bring him out with us more often.

Mike: Yeah.

Eddy: Come to think of it, who needs you?Mike and I have never really been all that close...

Ben: Alright, I'm ready.

Eddy: Hey my friend says he's ready, come on!

Mike: Now remember, when I say now, you pop the clutch...

Ben: You said before, I got it.

Mike: That was then, this is now.The brake Benny, the break!

Eddy: He doesn't want either one of us now.

Ben: Oh I'm alive...I'm alive, I'm alive!This is fun.Err...I'm not driving.

Police Officer: Well what do you call it?

Ben: Well, it was just going and I was just stearing.I should be thanked.

Police Officer: You're about thirteen, right?

Police Radio: Officer needs assistance!Officer needs assistance, sixteenth on main.

Police Officer: Kid, this is your lucky night.

Mike: Benny!Benny!Benny, what happened?What did you tell the cop?

Ben: I don't know?All I did was wish he'd go away and he did.

Mike: OK, let's get you home before Mom and Dad's movie lets out.

Ben: Alright, hop in.

Mike: OK.

Ben: Right.

Eddy: OK, this is close enough.My car's just down at the end.

Mike: OK.Eddy!

Eddy: What?

Mike: It's Dawitt!

Eddy: Our Principal?

Mike: Yeah.

Ben: Guys, you graduated two years ago.

Mike: Oh!Hey hey, Mr.Dawitt.Nice shorts!

Mr.Dawitt: Well, well, well, Seaver, Zaff, how wonderful it is not to see you two any more.

Eddy: Thanks Mr.D, you too.

Ben: Mr.Dawitt, we've met.

Mr.Dawitt: I know that you little Gnat.

Eddy: Hey, Mr.D, attractive poultry.

Mr.Dawitt: Well, you boys out casing the joint?

Mike: Oh no,Mr.D, we're just kind of cruising around.

Mr.Dawitt: Well enjoy these times boys, there's a cold wind bl*wing; each year you get a little older and slip further and further away from these care-free jaunts.Before you know it, one day you look back and a night like this is maybe, just maybe, the best night of your life.

Didi: Willis, that isn't your cigar smoke is it?

Mr.Dawitt: Did darling.Have you boys met the Mrs?

Boys: No!

Mr.Dawitt: Good.

Didi: Willis, don't be so grumpy.Hi, I'm Didi Dawitt.

Mike: I'm Mike Seaver.

Didi: Say, I've heard of you.But somehow I pictured you taller, angrier and armed.

Mike: Well, thank you.

Eddy: And I'm Edward Zeff.

Didi: Well I've never heard of you.

Ben: I can't remember my name right now.

Mr.Dawitt: Right behind you, honey.

Mike: Well, it looks like there's a little more to Mr.Dawitt, than meets the eye.

Ben: He's lucky he hasn't lost an eye.

Eddy: Hey, I'll catch you guys later.

Mike: OK.Hey, say, Ed, what are you driving these days?

Eddy: Oh, err...nothing special, it's just down there.

Mike: Oh, yeah, where?

Eddy: Yeah, just down at the corner.

Mike: Oh yeah, which car?

Eddy: The bike.The bike, OK?Get off my back!

Ben: Let's go.

Mike: Wait a minute, Benny, haven't you forgotten something?

Ben: My paste!Great!Mr.Dawitt was right; this was the best night of my life.

Mike: Hey Benny, you didn't do so bad for a guy who started out with exact change for paste.

Ben: Can you imagine, somewhere in the city, there's a girl dreaming about me, right now.

Girl 1: You guys are nasty boys.

Ben: Hey, we were gonna come looking for you but err...he wanted to eat.

Girl 2: You guys gonna be cruising this weekend?

Ben: Ah...see...errm...

Mike: Hey, you know we will.

Girl 2: See you then.

Girl 1: Here's a little present for my sticky boy.

Ben: Paste.

Mike: Ben, don't get any one ya.

Mike: Benny, I am b*at.

Ben: What, you're not gonna help me with my map project?

Mike: Benny, you're gonna do your map now?It's almost midnight.

Ben: It's due in eight hours.

Mike: Benny, aren't you tired?

Ben: Mike, I don't think I'll ever sleep again.

Maggie: Mike, what are you and Ben doing out at this hour?

Mike: We were err...

Jason: Tell me, you're not just getting home from buying paste.

Ben and Mike: We're not just getting home from buying paste.

Jason: Look, just a second, you...

Mike: How was your dinner?

Maggie: Ah...fine.

Ben: So, it was a sit down place, not a drive-in?

Jason: A drive-in?Oh, driving, we had to drive in, in the car, we had to.

Maggie: Err, but do we really wanna stand in the drive-way in the middle of the night and talk restaurants?I think not.Do you think they know?

Jason: No, of course not Maggie.They're just kids!

Ben: Hey look see, they forgot about us.

Mike: Yeah.

Ben: Hey, you up for another burger?

Mike: Benny, what about your map?

Ben: I do my best work under pressure.
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "05x13 -  Ben and Mike's Excellent Adventure"}