TV: And that's why for our part of the investigation, New York's finest: Pizzerias that is.

Kate: Do you believe the garbage they have on local news?

Mike: Oh yeah, I know.Who was number two, was it Jessetti or Antonio?

TV: Still ahead, Record snowstorms are due to h*t local ski resort areas this weekend.

Kate: Oh, Mike, doesn't skiing sound like fun?

Mike: Uh, you know what sounds like a lot of fun?It's two for one take-out thing to taste at Nagel's.

Kate: We'd be outdoor, the cold fresh wind in our faces.

Mike: That's fine, when the pizza gets here we will take it in the backyard.

Kate: Mike, I am serious.

Mike: Kate, you think I can afford a ski-trip?

Kate: I can, I got some money left at my last modeling job.

Mike: look, don't take this in a patronizing way,but I do like to pay for the little woman.

Kate: Well, then I suggest you find one.

Mike: Aw, look, Kate, what I am saying is just that I would feel a lot more comfortable doing things that I can afford.Like taking us out to dinner.

Kate: I am tired of hiding in the bathroom while you're taking happy meals.

Mike: Well, I did not hear you complain when you got the pirate h*t.Alright, alright I will take you skiing.

Kate: Yes, yes!

Mike: But I am paying and that's that.

Kate: What does it matter who pays.

Mike: Because Kate I m a man, and if nothing else, I have got my pride.

Mike: Oh, please, please, please!Carol, borrow me some money.

Mike: That's only two.

Carol: No way.Stump-head.

Mike: Fine, fine, fine, Carol, I can finish this trip out of my own pocket!

Luke: Wakes up late.

Mike: Hey, can I have the number for the White Mountain Watch please?Thank you.

Luke: Mike, why don't you just let Kate pay?

Mike: Look, this is far too complicated for you to understand.

Luke: Huh, Mike pays: Big man!

Kate pays: Big Wuss!

Mike: That is pretty doggone complicated?!

Mike on phone: Hi, could you please tell me how much your cheapest but most impressive room is?Three hundred dollars?

Oh, don't you have something cheaper, like a room somebody was m*rder in?That's two seventy five?Yeah well do you have anything else?A free room?

But only if I bring 20 paying customers with me?Ok I will take it!Yeah, yeah, that's right, Siever.Party 20, book Danielle, fine, book it Morris.

Mike to Luke: Hey, Luke, uh, how would you like to go skiing this weekend for only fifty bucks?

Luke: Well, I have been saving my allowance, but one question: Where are we gonna find nineteen other saps stupid enough to pay for your skiing trip?

Ben: You want me to invite the entire Duree High chess club skiing?

Mike, the chess club is the valley of the geefers, these guys won't wanna ski.

Mike: But, Ben, they'll listen to you.You're their president.

Ben: I tried to resign.They started crying.

Mike: Well, they're just like the kinda gentle souls that I'd like to chaperone.

Ben: Mike, these guys are too uncoordinated to ski.Last week, Leo Platte's toe got his toe stuck in his fly!

Mike: It's not problem!It's perfect!They don't have to ski, the just have to pay!

Ben: So what's in this for me?

Mike: Well, you'll have Jack Frost, nipping at your nose and you'll have a gorgeous ski buddy nipping at your...

Ben: Eighteen sign-ups and I made them all pay cash!Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll have to go and sew some lipid patches in my jacket.

Mike: Mission Accomplished!

Luke: Alright, but one question: What are you and Kate gonna do starting by eating at DuFei with cheese in their braces?

Mike: You're right, now I don't know who is gullible enough to chaperone on a herd of nerds?

Dwight: The tall guy said: Duck-o-ree-dee duck!Duck for me too!

Both: laugh.

Mike: Hi guys, what's going on?

Dwight: Oh I am taking Carol to the Swedish film festival.

Carol: We're seeing: My life is a dog.

Mike: Oh Carol, Why would I pay money to see that?You live it!

Carol: For your information, Dwight and I are getting pre-fed-up with the way you guys treat me.

Dwight: That's right!I've had an earful.And I don't wanna hear you compare my girlfriend to a Swedish film again.You know what I mean jellybean?

Mike: Well, uh, we're of course ashamed of ourselves.Hey how about I make it up to ya?Huh?

What would you say to a ski trip this weekend, at the White Mountain lodge for one hundred bucks!

Dwight: Oh no please, the ski trip is enough, I could not possibly accept one hundred bucks.

Mike: No, Dwights, you would pay.

Dwight: Oh that's better.Ok, yea, count us in.Do we bring our own leather hosing?

Mike: No, no, you can rent, there is a leather hosing stand.Dwight, Dwight, but, uh, I almost forgot the best part!

See, you'll be driving up on a bus with 20 teenage chess players.

Dwight: Yippi-Ya Yo-ka-ye!

Mike: Well, what was I thinking?You will have to check their names off a list as they get on the bus.

Dwight: You're kidding, for a cheap ski trip I'll check their teeth!

Mike: Okay, well great!

Just one other thing: we need to tell Carol about this, make her think it was your idea.And the bus ride will be a surprise, women love that kinda stuff.

Dwight: Mike, you're so good to me.

Dwight: Honey?I decided we go skiing this weekend.

Carol: With you?

Dwight: And no chess players!

Carol: Oh, Dwight, you're so good to me!

Maggie: Mike, you wanna take Ben and Luke and a bunch of teenagers on a weekend ski trip?

Mike: Uh-huh

Jason: We're gonna have a big problem with that, young man.

Mike: Well, Dwight and Carol are coming.

Jason: Have a good time, son!

Maggie: Jason, I look I feel better knowing that Carol's going but didn't you cave in a little easier?

Jason: I did not cave Maggie, I calculated quickly.I have just bought us our first weekend allowance since Chrissy was born!

Chrissy: Daddy, can you turn on the water when I get upstairs?

Maggie: Eddie, what are you doing?

Chrissy: Making Cement?

Jason: Whoa, whoa, whoa.How would you like to make some cement at grandma Hermes's this week?

Chrissy: Great!I just wish you'd said something before I slipped the gravel upstairs!

Woman: Bonjour, (foreign language probably French meaning I am here) (foreign language) Is there something different about this room?

Maggie: No.?

Woman: Too bad!

Maggie: Is there something different about your hair?

Woman: Oh, no, no

Jason: Hey, hey, Hey.

Jason: Who is this little fella?

Woman: This is my son, Max!

Jason: Yeah, give me five Max.

Max: (slaps Jason) Yeah!

Woman: He is really like you.He usually does this to grandparents.As usual.we're going away this week, could you keep an eye oin our house?

Taking the mail, the papers, the goat cheese,

Jason: Hey but once you get outta town, we're through.

Woman: Oh no?kiss kiss bye-bye?

Maggie: Rich-rich, gag-gag?

Kate: I thought it was wonderful!Look at the bungalow, it's huge!You could sleep twenty people here!

Mike: Yeah, with any luck!

Kate: I can't believe you got us an enormous place all to ourselves!

Mike: Well, yea, actually, uh

Kate: Isn't this the same bus of kids tat followed us all the way up here?

Mike: Yeah, it is, listen Kate, I got a kinda confession I wanna make to you.You see, I sort of arranged for a small group of kids to come join us.

Kate: Join us?

Mike: Yes, but they're very well behaved, small, well-chaperoned.We'll hardly notice.

Hooligan: Okay Space Fans!At once, let's get stupid!

Mike: Excuse me, Ben, Ben?What's going on?Ben this can't be the Chess Club?

Ben: How can you tell?

Mike: What, hey, hey, hey you, If I challenged your queen with my rook, what would you do?

Hooligan: Turn you upside down and make a wish?!

Ben: Come on Mike!I did not want to spend the weekend with Nerds on Ice!So I invented the biggest party in the whole school.

Mike: How am I supposed to have a nice weekend with Kate with all these horn dogs, uh, horny dogs or whatever!

Ben: You're right, you're right, I see your point.Let's send Kate home on the next bus.

Mike: I said chess club members!

Ben: Well, you got one.Leo Lime-tongue Flat neck.

Mike: Lime-tongue?

Ben: Well, he's tongue is green.He only eats green things.

Luke: Well, that's the explanation we can live with!

Hooligan: I'll be glad to wax them for ya!

Kate: Oh, I don't my skis waxed.

Hooligan: I'm not talking about your skis.

Kate: Mike!

Dwight: Okay, our present account of, by the way, Mike, you did not mention that I had to drive the bus.

Mike: Dwight, you were supposed to drive the bus!

Dwight: Oh, well, that's why that guy was cussing at me while we drove away.

Kate: No, I will NOT participate in anything called a Moon-o-thon.

Where are the rooms, all I wanna do is get away from these...screaming banshees, they're dancing on top of the bus.

Mike: No, no, no, no, Carol.You cannot go hide in your room!You and Dwight are here to chaperone!

Carol: (Hysteric) Huh?

Dwight: Yeah, we talked into hygiene, we talked leather hose, but there is no mention of chaperoning?!

Mike: Whoa whoa, excuse me?I went outta my way to get you and Carol this bargain trip?

And now when I need you the most, you don't have a couple of extra minutes to keep an eye on some fun-starved kids?

Mike: Much better, ok, now, come here.The boys room is over here on the right, and the girls' on the left.Whatever you do, don't play chess with the big guy.

Dwight: Could I have your attention?

Carol: Mike?This time you've pushed things too far!I only came up here because Dwight said you invited us out of goodness of your heart!

Mike: Carol, you know me for 20 years.Does that sound like me?

Carol: No.

Mike: Now, go, shift!

Kate: Mike?Call me old-fashioned, but twenty kids pouncing the bell hop is not exactly my idea of a romantic weekend.

Mike: Everyone seems to be enjoying it?Don't worry about the kids.They'll be fun.

Lime tongue: Mr.Siever?

Mike: Who are you?

Kate: God!

Mike: I'll be with you in a second, Lime Tongue.

Come here, it's gonna be fine, Carol is in charge of the kids, we wont even notice them once they've h*t the slope.

Lime tongue: Oh that's what I came to tell you sir, there is no snow.The area is completely shut down.

Something to do with tropical depression "Urve"

Both: No snow?

Mike: Look, your hoot master's named Carol, okay?She's not even here, she's tested the ear wax!

Kate: Mike, if these kids can't ski, they'll tear this place apart!

Mike: Kate, Kate, relax!That's the beauty of my plans.It is not our problem, it's Carol's.

Mike: Carol, what happened!??

Carol: It's my ankle.

Luke: She slipped on some ice.

Mike: What, what Ice?There's no ice!

Lime tongue: I spilled my Fanta.

Dwight: Fear nothing, but I am gonna get a doctor, you're in no condition to chaperone.

Kate: Well, Mr-I-like-to-pay-for-the-little-women, looks like you're in charge now?

Lime tongue: Say, why don't you ditch Brillow-head and let's get stupid?

Maggie: Ooh, Jason, just you and I in this big house.All by ourselves.

Jason: Uh-huh

Maggie: Whatever shall we do?

Jason: Well, I don't know.

Jason: Well, that 's coming from the Creed Martin, must be their stupid house alarm!

Maggie: Did somebody break in?

Jason: Not that I hope so..Maybe they will shut the alarm off.

Jason on phone: Yeah, Yes, yes, I am calling to report a house alarm going off at 17, Robinhood lane.

Jason to Maggie: We got a crisis and the 911 operator is flirting with me.

Maggie: Well, that's unprofessional of her?!

Jason: Him.

Lime tongue (singing):Someone left the cake out in the rain I don't think that I can take itCuz I took so long to take it

And I'll never have that recipe, again!Oh noooooo!

Lime tongue: One more time everybody!

Mike: O-kay!Is it 9:30 everybody?It's time to turn in.

Blonde girl: First there is no snow, and now I have to go to bed early?You are worse than my mother!

Hooligan: I paid for a fun weekend, and I am gonna have fun, whether I party, or snow-plough your face!Good night!

Dwight: Oh, carrying you into the room my darling, I do have to go do a bed check.

Carol: This is so romantic, just like in Gone with the wind.

Carol: My Red!

Dwight: My Scarlet.

Luke: My God!!

Kate: We have not had two minutes alone.I have spent more time with green tongue!

Lime tongue: Lime tongue.

Kate: Do something!

Mike: Go, suck an avocado!

Lime tongue: Ooh, Baby!

Mike: Look, Kate, look, I know that the trip not lucky on the start.But we alone now.So, what do you say we make some hot coco, we snuggle by the f*re.

Kate: Oh, great!

Mike: Ok, Come on.Hehehe.

All: Go, go, go, go.

Kate: What's that?

Mike: It's just the wind.

Dwight: Oh, I am gonna turn in now, kids are all in bed playing Mix Doubles for cheesy.

Kate: Mix Doubles?

Mike: In their beds?

Dwight: Yeah, so it's up to about Shrimps and Skins.

Kate: He better makes sure no one scores.

Maggie: Jason, for the umpteenth time, why don't we just check into a hotel?

Jason: Maggie, we are not gonna check into an expensive hotel just because we have Godless neighbours.I better think what to do with my 36:50.

Maggie Oh...Why don't you just block the sound out of your mind?Pretend it's the ocean?!

Jason: Oh, Maggie, the ocean does not make my ears bleed.

Jason on phone: Hello, yea, I've called several times tonight about this house alarm going off, yes; I am the one with the nice speaking voice.

Oh great, good, the alarm company's sending somebody over.That's terrific.When; Monday morning?!!!

Listen to me: I am the burglar.I am standing in the dining room looking at the china cabinet and if you don't send somebody right away, the gravy boat goes!

Sending somebody over... Alright, when?Twenty minutes to six hours???I uph!

Maggie: Wait a minute.Don't do anything foolish.

Jason: Do you think I look like I am about do something foolish?

Maggie: Jason!

Police: So you know this clown, huh?

Maggie: Officer, this is no clown, This is a loving husband and a respected psychiatrist.

Police: Which is why he was up a ladder in his pyjamas trying to slap shack your neighbour's burglar alarm.

Jason: When you put it that way it sounds silly.But I had...

Maggie: Officer... it's that alarm, it's driving my husband out of his mind.

Police: A sure trip I am sure.

Maggie: Can't you do something?

Police: I could p*stol-whip him?

Maggie: No, no, about the alarm.

Police: Well, uh, my partner is already on that, Ma'am.

Jason: Thank you, thank you, thank you, you're a prince.

Police: Cool it, cool it.Look pal, that stuff may work on 911 operator, but I am a different breed of cat.

Police to Maggie: Ma'am.

Jason: Hey, hey, oooh, oooh, officer!

Kate: Do you know why this whole disaster happened?Because you could have let me pay for a simple trip.

Mike: Uh, Look, Kate, Kate, if it would have just snowed, and if Ben had just invited the Chess Club,

Carol hadn't slipped on that Soda, and Lime tongue had not been born!

Kate: Mike!Because of your stupid pig-headed pride, nobody had fun this weekend.

Carol: Oh, oooh, oooooh, hooooh!

Luke: I hope she dismounts him before he drives us home!

Kate: Next time, whoever has the money, pays!

Ben: I'll get it!

Lime tongue: Bad news!There's a blizzard!The roads are closed until tomorrow.

Hooligan: Yeaaaah!Yeah!Let's get stupid!

Kate: That?And all I wanna do is get outta here.

Mike: Kate?Kate?I am afraid we're sort of stuck in here another night.

Kate: What???

Ben: Mike, that was the front desk, they said if you stay another night, they need a 1000 dollar deposit.

Mike: Uh, Kate?Remember what you said about whoever has the money pays?
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "07x14 - The Call of the Wild"}