Mike: Baby, I can't stay here and neither can you.I mean, for once in our miserable lives we've got a chance at something good.And who knows this could be the only sh*t we ever get!So, we've got to try.

Ben: We gotta do it again, Mike.

Mike: Why?

Ben: You were looking right into the camera!What do you think you're doing?Moonlighting?

Mike: Look, Ben, this tape is for me so I can do a better audition tomorrow, alright?

Ben: Ok.But all I'm saying is you never see Michael J.Fox look into the camera.

Mike: Look, when Monica gets here I won't look into the camera, I'll look at her.Just keep sh**ting.

Ben: Mike, if I ask you a question about girls will you tell everybody so they laugh at me?Mike: Girls, huh?No, no, no.Ok, alright.The play can wait.Ok, ask away.

Mike: Girls, huh?No, no, no.Ok, alright.The play can wait.Ok, ask away.

Ben: Ok.Well, there's this new girl at school and she's the only girl in my class who wears a bra.Every time I see her I start sweating and saying dumb stuff.I either want to kiss her or slug her.

Mike: Always kiss, never slug.

Ben: What if I do kiss her and she slugs me?

Mike: Well, Ben there's comes a time in your life when you gotta take a chance, you know?I mean, at some point you're gonna have to stop playing with G.I.Joe.

Ben: Maybe I'll just slug her.

Monica: Hi, Mike.

Mike: Oh it's no use, baby.I'm just a bum and there's no place in the world for a guy like me.

Monica: Oh, I think you're very entertaining.I mean, I think you say all sorts of witty things.And you are a wonderful dancer.

Mike: Hey!How's it going?

Monica: Mike!We are going to get these parts, I can feel it!We are going to make this production of Picnic the best thing Dewey High has ever seen since we did Our Town.

Mike: Well, we shouldn't brag.

Monica: You don't think we were a smash in Our Town?

Mike: Well, of course I do, but we shouldn't brag.

Monica: I bet that production at Lincoln Center won't be half as good as the one we do.

Mike: What production?

Monica: You didn't read about it in Variety?

Mike: Uh, no.I must have missed that issue.

Monica: It's right here.The first Broadway production of Our Town to open in twenty years.

Mike: Oh, really?

Monica: Come on, let's get back to picnic.Why don't we start out with the scene...

Mike: Wait a minute, Monica.Why do we want to do another high school play?

Monica: What?

Mike: Why don't we audition for this?

Monica: Broadway?Mike, that's the big time.

Mike: Exactly!

Monica: Mike!How do you expect to go from Dewey High to Broadway?

Mike: I was gonna drive.

Monica: Broadway is not like trying out for a high school play.

Mike: What, you don't go in and read the part for these people?

Monica: Well, sure you do.But the people you're reading for aren't teachers.They know what they're doing.

Mike: Monica, isn't this what you've always dreamed about?

Monica: Well, yea, sure.But yea it is.

Mike: Well, me too.I mean I know what it felt like to be in that play at Dewey, to be good at something, you know?And I want to have that feeling again.But in a real theatre.And you said it yourself, we're the best!I mean, we can show them our reviews.

Monica: From the Dewey Hooter Press?

Mike: Oh, come on.You don't fool me.You love this idea!

Monica: Mike, the auditions in New York are tomorrow.The same day as tryouts for Picnic at school.

Mike: Monica, we're not gonna audition for both.I mean, how can we be in the Dewey play when we're starring on Broadway?Be realistic.

Monica: But we have to cut school.

Mike: So what?You never cut yourself shaving before?Oh, Hi Dad!

Jason: Hi, Mike.Hello, Monica.Nice to see you again.

Mike: Ok, so where were we?Oh, yea.You were convincing me to try out for this.

Monica: Mike, I'm scared.

Mike: Oh, well, look, you'll be with me and I'm too dumb to be scared.So, what do you say?

Monica: You're right.

Mike: Yea!About going to Broadway or about me being dumb?

Ben: Dad?Is there any reason why I can't like girls and soldiers?

Jason: No.What?

Jason: Hey, Ben.Have a nice day at school.

Maggie: Where's Ben?His bus is at the corner.

Jason: He just left.Does Ben know any soldiers?

Maggie: No.

Jason: I didn't think so.Good.

Maggie: He didn't even touch his Fudge Flakes.

Mike: Morning.

Maggie: Hi!There's scrambled eggs in the microwave and, uh, oh, why are you so dressed up?

Mike: Well, I, uh...

Jason: Cutting school today?

Mike: You know, Dad, that really hurts.You know, I mean, all I try to do is follow your advice about cleaning up my act and you get suspicious.

Jason: What can I say?I'm scum.

Mike: It's ok.I mean, what else can I do to convince you people that I can be trusted and be depended on?

Maggie: Well, you could give your sister a ride to the doctor today.

Mike: What, is she due for her next rabies sh*t?

Carol: I heard that!

Jason: Mike, you said that you were trying to convince us that you could be dependable and trustworthy.

Mike: You're right.

Maggie: Your sister needs a ride to her gynecologist.

Carol: Oh, what's the matter, Mike?Does the word gynecologist make you nervous?

Mike: Oh, Mom, make her stop.

Mike: Um, well, see, we have the auditions for the senior play today.

Jason: Oh, wow.Yea, you sure don't want to miss those.

Mike: Yea.They're today.

Maggie: Well, that's why you're so dressed up.

Mike: Yup, that's why.

Maggie: Well, we sure don't expect you to miss the auditions.

Mike: Thanks.

Maggie: You can take her after the auditions.

Mike: After?

Carol: But, why can't you take me?

Mike: I can't say.

Carol: Oh, and you expect me not to tell Mom and Dad about this?

Mike: Hey, I didn't tell them when you and your friend rented that dirty movie.

Carol: It was an art film.

Mike: Yea, the guy in the mask was named Art.

Carol: How do you know about that?

Mike: Carol, I know everything, alright?Now can't you find another way to your doctor and not say anything to Mom and Dad?

Carol: But you won't tell me why.

Mike: Let's just say that today I have a chance to make a dream come true.

Carol: Oh, this doesn't have anything to do with that Swedish exchange student.

Mike: No.

Carol: Alright, I'll cover for you.

Mike: Alright, thanks Carol!

Carol: But the least you could do is tell me what you're doing.

Mike: Ok, alright.

Here it is.Today, Monica and I are going into Manhattan to audition for a Broadway play.

Carol: Oh, fine.Don't tell me then!

Intercom: Attention, people.The following students are to report to the auditorium immediately.Monica Shakelford.Oh, this is a big surprise, Michael Seaver.And I mean pronto.

Monica: Hello?Mike?

Mike: Monica, hi!Look, look at what I got!These are the costumes from Our Town.We can audition in these.

Monica: Somehow they find out we were going to cut school.

Mike: No, they didn't.

Monica: They did.Didn't you hear the principal call our name's over the loud speaker?

Mike: And here's a real surprise, Michael Seaver.

Monica: Mike!That sounds exactly like him!

Mike: Yea, thanks.All the teachers heard that, too.So when we don't show up for classes, they'll just figure that we're being punished.

Monica: It won't work, Mike.Teachers aren't that stupid.

Coach Luvok: Well, ok, Seaver.What did DeWitt catch you doing now?

Mike: Coach Luvok, Hi.

Mike: Oh, it won't.It won't.

Coach Luvok: Good.I'm counting on both of you, cause what you did last semester in Our Town, was a milestone in the history of dramatic art.I gotta go to the can.

Monica: Mike, did you hear what he said?

Mike: Yea, a milestone in the history of dramatic art.We can't miss!

Mike: Monica, just imagine.Lincoln Center presents Our Town, starring Michael Seaver and Monica Shakelford.

Monica: How about starring Monica Shakelford and Mike Seaver.

Mike: We can talk.

Monica: I've got the perfect stage name for you!

Mike: What?

Monica: Tom Seaver!

Mike: Tom Seaver?

Monica: Yea!It just sounds famous!

Mike: It is famous.He's a great pitcher.

Monica: Oh, so you can't use it?

Mike: Um, look, ok.What are you going to use for your stage name?

Monica: Ok, are you ready?Monique Desemone.Doesn't that just sound exotic and French?

Mike: Yea.

Monica: Say it!

Mike: Ok.Monique Desemone.

Monica: Oh!I like it!

Mike: And I don't even speak French!

Monica: I can't wait to be going to the theatre every night, putting on our makeup, and then after standing ovations, going to soirees

Mike: Yea, then we can Oh, wait a minute.You know, if I'm not home by eleven, I'll be grounded.

Monica: My sister has a friend who lives in the Village.I bet we could stay with her!

Mike: Oh, yea!

Monica: I can't believe this!Monica Shakelford on her way to Broadway!

Mike: No, Monique Desemone is on her way to Broadway!

Mike: You know, Monica, I'm really glad we're here together and you know, you don't have to be nervous, I mean, look at it this way.You're finally where you belong, getting a chance to do what you do best.

Lady: Break a leg.

Monica: Hey, Mike!You look great.

Mike: Yea, we both look great, ok?Come on.

Monica: Hey, Look at this!

Mike: Oh, yea!Look that's Alice from Mel's Diner.

Monica: Linda Ravage!She just won a Tony as best actress!

Mike: Yea and that old chick that solves all the crimes!

Monica: Angela Lansbury!Then there's Mary Martin!Christopher Plummer!Dustin Hoffman!

Mike: Oh, yea!From Ishtar!I love that movie!

Monica: Mike, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here right now.Thanks.

Mike: Well, you can thank me later.

Monica: All these people must've auditioned in this building.

Mike: Yea.

Monica: I think I'm starting to get nervous.

Mike: Hey, look!Alright!Just take a deep breath and you'll be ok.Alright?And remember, we're the best!There's nobody like us!

Monica: Right.We're the best!There's nobody like us!

Monica: There's nobody like us?

Receptionist: Yoo-hoo!Sweetie!

Mike: Uh, hi.We're here to audition for Our Town.

Receptionist: Ok, sweetie.Fill out these forms.Be sure to list your agent and/or manager, day phone, night phone, union affiliation, and I'm gonna need pictures.

Mike: Where'd you get that?

Monica: I have a set done every year, just in case.

Receptionist: And you?

Receptionist: Your driver's license?

Mike: Yea, well, hey.I don't just act.I drive, too.

Monica: 112?

Receptionist: Number sixteen.

Mike: Whoa, did you have any idea there would be this many people?

Monica: Oh, sure.All auditions are this way.

Mike: Oh.

Monica: Why?Did you want to leave?

Mike: Uh, no, no.Why?Did you want to leave?

Monica: No!

Mike: Yea.I mean, how many of this people could have just finished a standing room only production of Our Town?Really?Monica; Uh, thank you.You can put your hands down.

Monica; Uh, thank you.You can put your hands down.

Ben: So you do play with G.I.Joe.

Jason: Now, Ben, I was just, uh Ben!What happened to your eye?

Ben: That's what I'd like to know.

Jason: You get in a fight with somebody?

Ben: No, I kissed somebody.

Maggie: Hi, honey.Hi, Ben.

Jason: Look.

Maggie: What happened to your eye?

Jason: He kissed someone.

Maggie: I'll put some ice on it.

Carol: Hi, everybody!

Carol: Mike?Well, I have to go cram for a test, so, uh...

Jason: You're not cramming anything, young lady.

Monica: Mike, I'm not sure about this.

Mike: What?

Monica: These people wing to the coast.

Mike: So, what?We don't need to wing, we live ten miles from the coast.

Monica: No.The west coast?Hollywood?The motion picture capital of the world?

Mike: Oh.Oh, yea.

Monica: That guy over there, he does underwear commercials.

Mike: Oh, yea.Oh, wait a minute.Is he the Banana or the Grapes?

Monica: Mike these people are trained professionals.We don't have agents or credits or...

Receptionist: Number one eleven.

Mike: Ok, we're next.

Monica: I got to get out of here.

Mike: Monica!

Receptionist: Better luck next time sweetie.Oh!Don't forget your driver's license.

Mike: Uh, no, no.We're not leaving.We're just, um, merely going to the ladies room.Monica!

Monica: No, I don't.

Mike: What do you mean?

Monica: Mike, all of this.This is my dream.

Mike: Yea, I know!It's mine, too.

Monica: So, I don't want anything to happen to it!

Mike: So, you want to leave?

Monica: Yes.

Mike: Monica, what good is a dream if you're not gonna do anything about it?

Receptionist: Number one twelve.

Mike: Alright, come on.We're next!

Monica: Mike!We're kidding ourselves.We're not ready for this!

Mike: We're never gonna know if we don't go through with it.

Monica: Well, I don't want to know.

Receptionist: One twelve!Last call!

Mike: Look out, Dustin.Number one twelve!

Maggie: Auditioning for a Broadway play?That's ridiculous!

Carol: That's what he said!

Jason: Carol, you expect us to believe that?

Carol: No, I don't.

Maggie: Then why are you telling us this nonsense?

Carol: Because that's what he told me.Look, I know the truth is he's off doing something disgusting, probably illegal, most likely involving that Swedish exchange student.

Jason: Ok.Thank you for your help.

Carol: You mean it?

Maggie: No.He means leave the room.

Carol: Fine.Look, I just want you both to know, though, however you decide to punish him, I'm solidly behind you.

Maggie: Jason, I am going to scream.He skipped his audition.

Jason: I thought he was serious about drama.

Carol: And for the record, I do think he should be severely punished.

Jason: Thank you.Get out!

Maggie: Oh, I remember that look in his eyes after his first play.Boy, he had me convinced.

Jason: Yea, me too.I remember when we saw him backstage.He almost had tears in his eyes.He was You don't suppose it would be possible...

Maggie: Oh, don't tell me you believe this crazy Broadway story?

Jason: Well, not exactly but I just...

Maggie: But?Oh, no.It's the famous Jason Seaver ,but.

Jason: Pardon me?

Maggie: Jason, even if he went to Broadway, he still cut school!

Jason: Yes, but did you ever specifically forbid him to be in a Broadway play?

Maggie: Well, no, but...

Jason: Well, there you are!Neither did I!

Maggie: But we never specifically forbid him to blow up building's either.

Jason: So, we're lucky he's only trying out for a Broadway play.And if that is what he did, then he did for a reason.He did it because for the first time in his life he really feels like following through with something, which isn't necessarily bad.

Maggie: Well, no, but...

Jason: This audition would take a lot of guts and very little common sense.

Maggie: Ok, that's Mike alright, but I still think...

Jason: And is that something we really ought to punish?

Maggie: So, you're saying we should hope that Mike didn't lie to us and cut school to wastetime.We should hope that Mike lied to us and cut school to take his chance on Broadway?

Jason: Yea, that's about it.

Maggie: But you agree we should punish him?

Jason: Absolutely.But then we should take him out for dinner.

Mike: You know, you couldn't be more wrong.

Monica: I haven't said anything.

Mike: Well, maybe I wouldn't have made such a fool out of myself if you had gone in there with me.

Monica: Mike, we couldn't

Mike: I mean, at least I didn't chicken out.I mean, I proved

Monica: What, Mike?What did you prove?

Mike: Well, that, that I'm kidding myself.

Monica: We've both been kidding ourselves.

Mike: I just thank God I got my driver's license back!

Coach Luvok: Well, well, well.If it isn't the kid who left me hanging like a piece of meat, rotting and twisting in the sun.

Mike: Hi, Coach.

Coach Luvok: Don't.Hi, Coach' me!You didn't have to sit through the night of the living d*ad auditions.

Mike: Look, I'm sorry I let you down.

Mike: Like I said, I'm sorry I let you down!

Coach Luvok: Oh, oh.Next you'll be begging.Oh, please Coach.Please carry auditions over for another day.

Mike: No, I won't.

Coach Luvok: Don't tell me how to run this production, Seaver.I'm carrying the auditions over for another day.Sign up sheets on stage.

Mike: No, thanks.

Coach Luvok: Don't use that language with me, mister.

Mike: Look, I've just kind of decided there's no future for me in acting, alright?So, see you later.

Coach Luvok: Hold it!Hold it!I said, hold it!Geez, if I wanted to be ignored, I'd go home!Now, look, Seaver.I know something's been bothering you.I just want you to know the doors to my ears are always open.You can talk to me about anything.Home life, school, even S-E-X.

Mike: Alright, alright.Look.Today I went to New York to audition for a Broadway play.

Coach Luvok: Are you nuts?You didn't stand a snowball's chance in Florida.

Coach Luvok: Hey, hey, hey.You don't have to apologize to me for what I am.I'm just the guy they send in whenever they can't get a real teacher to do the job.

Mike: Hey, come on, coach.

Coach Luvok: Hey, Seaver.Let me tell you a little story how I ended up here.You see, my mother never actually wanted another child.

Mike: Wait.Is this one of those stories where you face some big challenge when you were a kid and you didn't cut it so that's how you ended up where you are today?

Coach Luvok: No, I ended up here because I graduated last of my class.

Mike: Oh.

Coach Luvok: And you know why I graduated last of my class?

Mike: Sure not gonna answer that one.

Coach Luvok: Very smart.You see, I never figured I was gonna be a teacher, I was gonna play pro-ball, so I never studied.Well, one day the scout showed up.You know what, Seaver?I choked.

Mike: And I bet you were so bummed that you made the mistake of giving up your football career.

Coach Luvok: No, I didn't Seaver.I went right back on that field the very next week.And the scout was out there again.But this time, I didn't know he was there.And you know what?I still stunk!

Mike: Coach, what's the point of this story?

Coach Luvok: The point is that I tried.Like you did today.It doesn't make a difference that you made a fool out of yourself and if I caved in every time I thought I'd make a fool out of myself, I wouldn't be where I am right now.

Mike: And where's that?

Coach Luvok: Standing here with a chance to work with the most talented high school kid I ever saw.I gotta go to the can.

Mike: Next time.Next time.
{"type": "series", "show": "Growing Pains", "episode": "03x11 - Broadway Bound"}