THE PIRATE PLANET

BY: DOUGLAS ADAMS

Part One

Original Air Date: 30 September 1978
Running time: 25:05

CAPTAIN: Mister Fibuli! Mister Fibuli! By all the x-ray storms of Vega, where is that nincompoop?

TANNOY: Calling Mister Fibuli. Mister Fibuli required on the bridge immediately.

CAPTAIN: Moons of madness, why am I encumbered with incompetents?

FIBULI: Captain, sir.

CAPTAIN: Your report, Mister Fibuli.

FIBULI: Yes, sir. I have it.

CAPTAIN: Is thirty seconds late.

FIBULI: Yes, sir.

CAPTAIN: My qualities are many, Mister Fibuli.

FIBULI: Oh, yes, sir. I

CAPTAIN: But an infinite capacity for patience is not amongst them.

FIBULI: I apologise most abjectly, Captain, but I do have good news, sir.

CAPTAIN: I hope you do.

FIBULI: Well, sir, all deposits of the minerals voolium, galdrium and assetenite four five five have now been mines, processed and stored, sir. Good quantities of aluminas, the usual, sir. Carbon isotopes, etcetera, etcetera. And the residue has been processed

CAPTAIN: In the normal way.

FIBULI: Way. Here is a list of the minerals, sir.

CAPTAIN: Pah! Baubles. Baubles! Dross and baubles! We must find vasilium. We must find madranite one five.

FIBULI: Well, sir, we have located a new source.

CAPTAIN: Excellent. Excellent.

FIBULI: That's what caused the delay, Captain. We wanted to be absolutely certain. It's in an unexpected sector. Here, let me show you this chart.

CAPTAIN: We'll mine it. Make immediate preparations.

FIBULI: Well, there is something rather curious, Captain. Here is a detailed description of the sector.

CAPTAIN: I said we'll mine it, Mister Fibuli!

FIBULI: But sir

CAPTAIN: Make immediate preparations now or I'll have your bones bleached. Is that clear?

FIBULI: Aye, aye, Captain. Thank you, sir.

CAPTAIN: Hear this. Now hear this. This is your Captain speaking.

CAPTAIN (OOV.): Citizens, prepare yourselves. Watch for the omens. I declare a new golden age of prosperity for all.

CITIZENS: Hooray!

CAPTAIN (OOV.): I say again, I declare the dawning of a new golden age of prosperity.

CITIZENS: Hooray!

CAPTAIN: Watch for the omens.

CAPTAIN (OOV.): The mines will once again be full of riches.

CITIZENS: Hooray.

CAPTAIN (OOV.): Richer jewels.

CITIZENS: Hooray!

CAPTAIN: Finer clothes.

CITIZENS: Hooray!

CAPTAIN: Food in greater abundance.

CITIZENS: Hooray!

CAPTAIN: Wealth beyond the dreams of avarice will be yours.

CITIZENS: Hooray!

MENTIAD: Brothers, are we agreed?

BROTHERS: Oh yes.

MENTIAD: We have found another. Brothers, the days grow dark. The time of evil is once more come. We must prepare.

BROTHERS: We must prepare.

DOCTOR: There you are, K9. The first segment of the Key to Time. A job well done.

K9: Correction, master. A job well done to the extent of naught point one six six six six six

DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes. The others will be easy. A piece of cake.

K9: Piece of cake, master?

DOCTOR: Mmm.

K9: Piece of cake. Radial segment of baked confection. Coefficient and relevance to the Key of Time, zero.

DOCTOR: That's what I said, K9. Piece of cake.

DOCTOR: Good morrow, Romana. That looks interesting.

ROMANA: Good morning, Doctor.

DOCTOR: What are you reading?

ROMANA: Oh, just familiarising myself with the technical details of this capsule.

DOCTOR: Capsule? What kind of a word is that? If you mean TARDIS, why don't you say TARDIS?

ROMANA: The Type Forty capsule wasn't on the main syllabus, you see.

DOCTOR: Not on the syllabus. I don't know what the Academy's coming to these days.

ROMANA: Veteran and vintage vehicles was an optional extra. I preferred something more interesting.

DOCTOR: Really? Like what?

ROMANA: Oh, the lifecycle of the Gallifreyan flutterwing.

DOCTOR: Now you're being frivolous.

ROMANA: I wouldn't dream of it.

DOCTOR: Oh, no!

ROMANA: What?

DOCTOR: How paralysingly dull, boring and tedious.

ROMANA: Oh, our next destination?

DOCTOR: Yes. Calufrax.

ROMANA: Calufrax?

DOCTOR: Yes. Mean little planet. Still. Listen, why don't you watch while I set the coordinate on this vintage veteran of mine? Maybe you'll learn something.

ROMANA: Right. Er, Doctor?

DOCTOR: Hmm?

ROMANA: What about the synchronic feedback checking circuit?

DOCTOR: What about it?

ROMANA: Aren't you going to set it?

DOCTOR: No, no, no. I never bother about that. Complete waste of time.

ROMANA: Oh. According to the manual, it's essential.

DOCTOR: Listen, have you any idea how long I've been operating this TARDIS?

ROMANA: Five hundred and twenty three years.

DOCTOR: Right! Is it really that long? My, how time flies.

ROMANA: Hasn't it. And the multiloop s*ab?

DOCTOR: What?

ROMANA: Multiloop s*ab. It says here, on any capsule it will be found impossible to effect a smooth materialisation without first activating the multiloop s*ab.

DOCTOR: Oh. Absolute rubbish.

DOCTOR: Now, I'll show you a really smooth materialisation without a multiloop anything. Watch this. Calufrax, here we come.

ROMANA: What's happening?

DOCTOR: She won't materialise.

K9: Danger, master, danger.

DOCTOR: Of course, K9, of course. Ow!

ROMANA: Something wrong?

DOCTOR: No, no, no, no. Nothing at all.

CAPTAIN: Imbeciles! Fools! Thrice worse than incompetent idiots! What pernicious injury have you inflicted on my precious engines! Mister Fibuli!

FIBULI: Captain.

CAPTAIN: Are you trying to scuttle this planet?

FIBULI: No, sir. I've run a quick inspection, sir, and the, er, the actual damage isn't as bad as we

CAPTAIN: Do not trifle with me, Mister Fibuli. What happened?

FIBULI: As far as we can tell, sir, some freak local disturbance, probably electromagnetic.

CAPTAIN: What?

FIBULI: It passed very quickly.

CAPTAIN: Idle prattlings, Mister Fibuli. I will know the truth!

CAPTAIN: Oscilloscope readings. There, Mister Fibuli, there's your local electromagnetic disturbance. What do you make of those readings?

FIBULI: That's extraordinary.

CAPTAIN: See? For ten seconds the entire fabric of the space time continuum was ripped apart. Panaccenteration readings, critical overload, every system jammed solid. Gravity dilation readings. There, Mister Fibuli. Can you explain those figures?

FIBULI: Not off the top of my head, sir.

CAPTAIN: No? And why not? Because for ten seconds the whole infrastructure of quantum physics was in retreat. Find out what happened, Mister Fibuli, and find out fast, or by all the fires of night, I'll have that skull off you!

DOCTOR: Not so. I am perfectly capable of admitting when I am wrong.

ROMANA: Oh.

DOCTOR: Yes. Only this time I wasn't. There was definitely something out there jamming our materialisation field.

ROMANA: Oh, that's what it was.

DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, that's what it was. Yes. Whatever it was, it wasn't a multiloop whatsit or anything else to do with that manual.

ROMANA: No, of course not. May I try?

DOCTOR: What, by the book?

ROMANA: Yes.

DOCTOR: Yes, all right, all right. You do it your way.

ROMANA: Thank you, Doctor.

DOCTOR: You'll see. There's definitely something out there jamming our materialisation field.

ROMANA: Right. Synchronic feedback.

DOCTOR: Won't make a scrap of difference.

ROMANA: We'll see. Multiloop s*ab.

DOCTOR: Look out, K9. Hold on.

ROMANA: Now.

ROMANA: Well?

DOCTOR: Good.

ROMANA: Thank you, Doctor.

DOCTOR: That was very, very good. Wasn't that good, K9?

K9: Very, very, very good, master.

DOCTOR: Oh, terribly good. Listen, I think she's going to be all right. Very all right.

K9: Very, very all right.

ROMANA: Shall we have a look at Calufrax now?

DOCTOR: Oh, all right then. Let's get it over with. Horrible place. Cold, wet, icy. No life of any sort. Boring.

ROMANA: It looks very pleasant to me.

DOCTOR: What? Calufrax? You have made an enormous mistake. You've probably, you've probably missed it by a couple of million light years!

DOCTOR: I wonder what's biting him?

BROTHERS: Life force dying. Life force dying.

BROTHERS: Life force dying. Life force dying. Life force dying. Life force dying. Life force dying. Life force dying!

BALATON: Calm yourself, Pralix. You must calm yourself.

MULA: He's much worse than last time, Grandfather. Pralix, can't you hear us? Tell us what's wrong.

BALATON: It is a mistake to ask too many questions.

MULA: That's your answer to everything, isn't it?

BALATON: I have no need for answers, for all I ask is a quiet life. Pralix, Pralix, you must calm yourself. Calm yourself.

DOCTOR: That's strange.

ROMANA: Well?

DOCTOR: Can't be right. It is right. But it can't be, can it?

ROMANA: Have you decided where we are, Doctor?

DOCTOR: Well, according to these space time coordinates, we have arrived at precisely the right point in space at precisely the right time.

ROMANA: Yes, I know.

DOCTOR: But to the wrong planet.

ROMANA: What?

DOCTOR: This isn't Calufrax.

ROMANA: Then where are we?

DOCTOR: I haven't got the faintest idea. All I do know is that this planet wasn't here when I tried to land.

BALATON: People will hear. Oh dear, I'm sure people can hear.

MULA: Grandfather, Pralix is very ill and all you can think about is what will happen if the neighbours hear.

BALATON: You know very well what will happen.

MULA: Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

BALATON: Oh, Mula, don't spoil everything by asking so many questions. I think I'm going to lose one grandchild already. Please don't let it be both of you. Just settle down and enjoy what life gives you so freely.

MULA: Listen, someone's coming.

BALATON: Quickly, the curtains.

KIMUS: Balaton?

MULA: Kimus! Thank goodness it's only you.

KIMUS: Only me? What's wrong with him?

MULA: We thought that

KIMUS: What?

MULA: Never mind.

KIMUS: Pralix.

PRALIX (OOV.): Life force is dying. Life force dying. Life force dying!

KIMUS: Again?

MENTIAD: We have an intruder. And wait, there is another. We must act. Act at once.

ROMANA: Uninhabited, ice-coated planet?

DOCTOR: Yes.

ROMANA: Well, we've certainly come to the right place. The signal's coming from everywhere.

DOCTOR: Never trust gimmicky gadgets.

K9: Sentient life form approaching.

ROMANA: What?

DOCTOR: It's all right. It just means someone's coming.

ROMANA: I know what it means. Excuse me.

DOCTOR: No, no, excuse me. I'll do it.

DOCTOR: Excuse me. Would you take me to your leader? What we'd like to know, you see, is what planet?

DOCTOR: Halt! What we

DOCTOR: You're not doing very well, K9.

K9: Master?

DOCTOR: No.

K9: Suggestion, master.

DOCTOR: What?

K9: Suggest you allow mistress to make contact.

DOCTOR: Nonsense! Making contact with an alien race is an immensely skilled and delicate operation. It calls for tact and experience. What would she know about it?

ROMANA: Hello. Excuse me.

MAN: Yes?

K9: She is prettier than you, master.

DOCTOR: Is she? What's that got to do with it.

MAN: It's a new golden age, you see. A golden age of prosperity. I must say, I still get very excited about it all. I know we have them rather often now, but that's because of the Captain's great goodness, you see.

DOCTOR: Excuse me.

ROMANA: Just a minute. The Captain?

MAN: Oh, yes. It's the Captain who does it all for us, and it really was spectacular this time. The omens. The skies shook with lightning. We are going to be very rich. Very, very rich.

ROMANA: What, just like that? Because of lights in the sky?

MAN: Oh, yes. That's the way it always happens. Here, have some diamonds. And yes, I've got a ruby. Suit a pretty girl like you.

ROMANA: Oh! Thank you very much.

DOCTOR: Excuse me.

ROMANA: Would you like some jelly babies?

DOCTOR: Thank you very much. Excuse me.

MAN: What are they?

DOCTOR: Sweets. You eat them. Go on.

MAN: Oh, thank you. (he takes four) Well, I'll be late for the feasts. Nice to meet you. Watch out for the Mentiads.

ROMANA: The who?

DOCTOR: Er, excuse me! What I'd like to know. Where did you get those jelly babies?

ROMANA: Same place you get them.

DOCTOR: Where?

ROMANA: Your pocket.

DOCTOR: Look, good looks are no substitute for a sound character. Did he say anything about omens?

ROMANA: Omens in the sky.

DOCTOR: Really?

GUARD: Where did you get those?

MAN: Er, back there, sir.

DOCTOR: I think that these stones are genuine. What do you think, K9?

K9: Affirmative, master. The clear ones are the diamonds and the red ones are the rubies.

DOCTOR: Oh, thank you very much. And what colour are the amethysts?

K9: Purple, master.

DOCTOR: Affirmative.

DOCTOR: Extraordinary. The place is littered with them. Diamonds, Andromedan bloodstones, gravel, more diamonds. Don't they have street sweepers here?

ROMANA: Well, perhaps these stones aren't valuable here, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Diamonds and rubies not valuable?

ROMANA: What's this?

K9: Oolian, mistress.

ROMANA: Oolian?

DOCTOR: Oolian?

K9: Affirmative.

DOCTOR: Oolian? Now that is rare. That's one of the most precious stones in the galaxy. It only occurs naturally in two places that I know of. Qualactin and Bandraginus Five. Bandraginus Five? Where have I heard that mentioned recently?

ROMANA: It's beautiful.

DOCTOR: Yeah, hold it up to the light. People have m*rder for that beauty, ravaged empires for it, and lying in the streets exactly where I wasn't expecting to find it. I wonder where Calufrax got to?

MULA: Poor Pralix. Why? What does it all mean?

BALATON: Why should it mean anything? It's just the way life is. Accept it.

KIMUS: Oh yes, we can have anything we want, can't we, apart from the freedom to think for ourselves. I'd like to know what I'm accepting, old man.

BALATON: I remember when I was a lad. Now things were very different then. You think you have no freedom now? You ought to have been here under old Queen Xanxia.

MULA: Shush, both of you. Think of poor Pralix. He must have quietness.

KIMUS: Why? We've all been quiet for too long, and for what?

KIMUS: Pretty clothes? Pockets full of useless trinkets? That isn't what life ought to be about.

BALATON: Kimus, you are a dangerous fool. Don't listen to him, Mula. If you love your brother, you must shelter him, hide him, protect him from the Mentiads. Remember what happened to your father.

MULA: My father didn't fall into the hands of the Mentiads.

BALATON: No.

MULA: He was sh*t by the Captain's guards.

BALATON: To save him from the Mentiads. At least he died a clean death. It was an act of mercy by the Captain.

KIMUS: Oh well, thank you, O merciful Captain, for so kindly having Mula's father sh*t down in the street like a dog.

BALATON: Listen, Kimus, let me tell you this. I would cheerfully strangle Pralix with my own hands to save him from those, those

MENTIAD: Brothers, the Vigil of Evil is accomplished. The one called Pralix must be harvested. The Time of Knowing shall be soon, and fast upon that shall follow the Time of Vengeance. Vengeance for the crimes of Zanak!

BROTHERS: Vengeance for the crimes of Zanak.

DOCTOR: Excuse me, have you seen Calufrax?

DOCTOR: It's sort of planet, about fourteen thousand kilometres across, oblate spheroid.

DOCTOR: Excuse me, I'm looking for a planet called Calufrax.

DOCTOR: It's about fourteen thousand kilometres across, it's an oblate spheroid and it's covered in ice. Excuse me, excuse me. Has anybody seen a planet called Calufrax? Funny, nobody's seen it.

PRALIX (OOV.): The life force is d*ad! The life force is d*ad!

DOCTOR: Well, someone's around, anyway.

PRALIX (OOV.): We're all m*rder! m*rder!

ROMANA: It came from over there.

DOCTOR: Over there? You stay here. I'll go and see.

BALATON: We're done for! They must be nearly here! They'll take him as they tried to take your father!

MULA: We must hide him.

KIMUS: We can't hide him forever.

DOCTOR: Excuse me, are you sure this planet's meant to be here?

GUARD: This is a forbidden object.

ROMANA: Why?

GUARD: That is a forbidden question. You are a stranger?

ROMANA: Well, yes.

GUARD: Strangers are forbidden.

ROMANA: I did come with the Doctor.

GUARD: Who is

ROMANA: Ah, now, don't tell me. Doctors are forbidden as well.

GUARD: You are under arrest. Come.

ROMANA: No, K9, you mustn't.

GUARD: What did you say?

ROMANA: What I said was, no K9, you mustn't (pause) fetch the Doctor.

GUARD: You're mad. Move.

CAPTAIN: We're surrounded by incompetents, you and I. Incompetents and fools. You're my only true friend. Never mind. Not long now. Not long now before it's finished and we'll be free.

FIBULI: Captain! Captain, sir.

CAPTAIN: Speak!

FIBULI: The Mentiads are marching, sir.

CAPTAIN: Vultures of death! Ghouls!

FIBULI: They must have located another rogue telepath. Channel twenty one, sir. Sector five.

CAPTAIN: Sector five. The Mentiads are heading towards sector five. The telepath must not be taken. Find him and destroy him, or by all the suns that blaze, I'll tear you apart, molecule from molecule.

CAPTAIN: Idiot! Brainless fool! All guards, the Mentiads are heading towards sector six. Find the telepath. Find him and destroy him!

DOCTOR: He's in a state of shock.

MULA: He does this every time the Captain announces a new golden age of prosperity.

DOCTOR: What, every time?

MULA: Well, the last two or three times, yes.

DOCTOR: Hmm. Tell me about this Captain. Pleasant sort of chap, is he?

MULA: We've never seen him.

BALATON: But he is great and good. He looks after us and makes us rich.

KIMUS: Huh. He makes us his fools.

DOCTOR: Really? That's a very interesting observation.

PRALIX: The Mentiads!

DOCTOR: Mentiads? I've heard that somewhere before.

CAPTAIN: Find him! Find him! Find him and destroy him! Search sector six.

FIBULI: Er, seven.

CAPTAIN: Search sector seven.

CAPTAIN: What the planet's bane is that?

CAPTAIN: Search that house.

K9: Master.

BALATON: Save us! Captain, save us!

KIMUS: What is it?

DOCTOR: No, no, no, it's all right. It's all right, it's a friend of mine. Aren't you a friend of mine, K9?

K9: Affirmative, master. Friend.

DOCTOR: Now then, tell me about the Mentiads.

BALATON: They are evil zombies. They have terrible powers.

K9: Master.

PRALIX: Mentiads! They're coming.

K9: Mistress is in danger.

DOCTOR: Pralix, what do the Mentiads want of you? What is it?

MULA: Kimus! Kimus!

GUARD: That's him. sh**t!

DOCTOR: How long have you stunned them for, K9?

K9: Indefinitely, master.

DOCTOR: Good, good. Evil zombies? Terrible powers?

KIMUS: They're not Mentiads. They were the Captain's guards.

PRALIX: The Mentiads!

DOCTOR: Pralix. Pralix, what is it?

BALATON: We must hide him. We must hide him. They must be nearly here. Oh, the Captain's way was better.

MULA: Listen, they're coming. There's no way we can hide him.

KIMUS: No, you're cowards, both of you. We must fight.

DOCTOR: Pralix, can you hear my voice?

KIMUS: We're not going to be pampered frightened vegetables any more. We've got friends now.

DOCTOR: Pralix. Pralix, can you hear my voice? What is it? Hello? Hello. Are you by any chance the Mentiads? Well, it's just that you look like Mentiads to me.

DOCTOR: You see, what I thought was that er...
{"type": "series", "show": "Doctor Who", "episode": "16x05 - The Pirate Planet - part 1"}