***COLD OPEN***

(Episode opens on a sh*t of police officer Jake Peralta staring seriously into the camera.)

JAKE: This job is eating me alive.

(Voice-over continues over dramatic sh*ts of Jake exiting a police car, crossing a street, ducking under “Crime Scene — Do Not Cross” tape to enter a doorway, all in slow-motion.)

JAKE (VOICE-OVER): I can't breathe anymore. I spent all these years trying to be the good guy, the man in the white hat.

(Back to Jake, speaking in real time—)

JAKE: I’m not becoming like them. (turns head dramatically) I am them.

AMY SANTIAGO (OFF-SCREEN): Hey! What are you doing, weirdo?

(Wide sh*t of Jake and Amy, showing that Jake is in front of a display of TVs in a store, his image multiplied on the screen of each TV.)

JAKE: I’m doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco. Or actually—(turns back to look at the TVs) ten of me are doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco. (smiles) What's up?

AMY: Get it together, man. Okay? (To TV store owner) So the store was h*t about two hours ago. They took mostly tablets, laptops, and cameras—

(She’s interrupted by the sound of an '80s hip-hop b*at. The camera pans over to show that Jake, messing around with a keyboard, is the source. He guiltily presses a button and the music stops.)

JAKE: Sorry.

AMY: (To TV store owner) I’d like a list of all your employees, whoever had access to the store. I'd also like to apologize for my partner. His parents didn't give him enough attention.

JAKE: Uh, Detective... I already solved the case. We're looking for three white males, one of whom has sleeve tats on both arms.

AMY: (skeptically) And how do you know that?

JAKE: I had an informant on the inside. He's been here for years. Watching, learning. Waiting. His code name? (grabs teddy bear) Fuzzy Cuddle Bear. (turns bear around to show camera on the inside and grins) He's a nanny cam.

AMY: [Scoffs] You got lucky.

JAKE: No, I got here five minutes before you and figured that in this gigantic electronics store, there had to be at least one working camera. (Looks up at TVs, which are now displaying a security camera’s view of the criminals who ambushed the store.) Oh! Hi, bad guys! You did it, Fuzzy. You busted 'em. It's time to come home.

(He holds up Fuzzy and begins to talk in the bear’s voice)

JAKE (AS FUZZY): I’m not sure if I can. I've been undercover so long, I've forgotten who I am. I have seen terrible things. I haven't known the touch of a woman in many moons.

AMY: (rolls eyes and walks away) All right.

JAKE (AS FUZZY): Detective Santiago! Don't walk away from me!

(Opening titles: Rock music plays as the criminals are apprehended, led by Jake and Amy into the office of New York’s 99th precinct.)

***ACT 1***

(Exterior sh*t of the 99th Precinct building. Text on bottom of screen: “99th Precinct, Morning Briefing, 8:31 AM.”)

JAKE (VOICE-OVER): Yes, I did crack the case.

(Cut to inside of building—)

JAKE: So, Santiago, would you do the honors?

(Camera pans over to Amy, who sighs. She gets up and walks over to a whiteboard which, among other things, has a table in the corner that says: “Peralta: 23, Santiago: 22.”)

ALL: Ohhh!

AMY: I hate this!

JAKE (OFF-SCREEN): Ah, yeah.

AMY: I hate this.

JAKE (OFF-SCREEN): And you're just gonna add one.

(Amy erases the “23” after Jake’s name and writes “24” in tiny handwriting.)

JAKE (OFF-SCREEN): I'm winning.

(Applause from the other members of the precinct.)

JAKE (OFF-SCREEN): It's a good feeling. (Cut back to him; he’s telling this to Detective Charles Boyle, sitting next to him.) It's a good feeling. Yeah.

AMY: (walking back to her seat) Enjoy it while it lasts.

JAKE: (grinning widely) I will!

(Sergeant Terry Jeffords stands at the podium at the front of the room.)

TERRY: JP, update on the Morgenthau m*rder?

JAKE: (getting up from his seat) Yeah! Good news for all you m*rder fans.

(Laughter from the other members of the precinct.)

JAKE: (gesturing to pictures of the corpse and a headshot of the victim on a TV set next to him) Earlier this morning...Someone decided to sh**t and k*ll luxury food importer Henry Morgenthau. Body was found by the cleaning lady, during her interview, I deduced, using expert Detective work, that she had something super gross on her chin. (TV next to Jake shows a picture of the cleaning lady, then a close-up of the thing on her chin.)

ALL: (groaning)

CHARLES: I think it was flan.

JAKE: Charles thinks it was flan. I think it was butterscotch pudding.

(Cut to Detective Rosa Diaz, sitting at the back of the room with her feet on the desk.)

ROSA:  Maybe it was just old person g*n. You know how old people always have that g*n on them.

JAKE: Oldie g*n. Could be, yeah. Anyone else?

TERRY: How about we focus on the m*rder and not the old person g*n?

AMY: Crime techs are at the scene now. We're heading back when they're done.

TERRY: Okay, I want you on this. It's gonna be priority one for the new C.O.

ROSA: Wait, tell us about the new Captain.

TERRY: Captain Holt will be here soon. He'll wanna introduce himself. Dismissed.

(Everyone leaves the room.)

(sh*t of Gina Linetti working at her desk and Charles walking up to her.)

CHARLES: Hey, Gina. You know any scalpers? I wanna ask Rosa to go to the Rihanna concert with me, but it's sold out.

GINA: Okay, two points to make here. First, Rihanna... You... (looks pathetic) And then Rihanna. (looks up and gestures widely with her hands)

CHARLES: Yeah. What's your second point?

GINA: She's got a type. Which is really anyone but you.

CHARLES: Yeah, that was my ex-wife's type too.

GINA: Look, a Rihanna concert's a pretty big swing, man. I don't know… She's into watching old movies.

CHARLES: Cool. Where would I find a place that shows old movies?

GINA: Oh, yeah, just go on the Internet and search for the phrase "I want to buy two movie tickets for a girl who doesn't like me."

CHARLES: Great. Thank you. (gets up to leave)

GINA: Good.

(Cut to Amy standing in front of Jake’s desk.)

AMY: Hey, you heard anything about the new Captain?

JAKE: Uh, no, and I don't care. I just wish Captain McGintley never left. He was the best.

AMY: He was terrible! You just liked him 'cause he let you do anything you wanted.

(Begin flashback to Jake and Rosa in swivel chairs, holding f*re extinguishers with the nozzles pointed outward, as the other officers stand around them clapping excitedly.) 

JAKE: On your marks, get set...

OFFICER (OFF-SCREEN): Go.

(The clapping dies down as the old captain, Captain McGintley, enters the room.)

MCGINTLEY: What the hell's going on around here?

JAKE: f*re extinguisher roller chair derby?

MCGINTLEY: Okay. (Leaves)

(The clapping and cheering starts up again.)

JAKE: And go!

(He and Rosa spray their f*re extinguishers outwards, propelling them backwards in their chairs, as everyone laughs and cheers boisterously.)

JAKE: Yeah!

(End flashback.)

JAKE: What's your point?

AMY: If I'm ever gonna make Captain, I need a good mentor. I need my rabbi.

JAKE: Sorry, dude... But this new guy's gonna be another washed-up pencil pusher who's only concerned with... (robotically) Following every rule in the patrol guide. Meep morp zeep.

(The officers around him stare at him uncomfortably; Jake is oblivious as he continues to do his impression.)

JAKE: (robotically) Robot Captain Engage…

CAPTAIN HOLT: (standing behind him) Is that what you think?

JAKE: (gets up from his chair to greet Holt) He-hey! New Captain alert. (Laughs) You must be the new C.O. I'm Detective Jake Peralta. Great to meet you.

HOLT: (deadpan) Now don't let me interrupt. You were describing what kind of person I'm gonna be. I'd like you to finish.

JAKE: That's not necessary. (b*at; Holt stares at him.) Or I could recap very quickly, sure. Um, let's see. I think I said some joke about being a washed-up pencil pusher.

HOLT: Now do the robot voice.

JAKE: Which...

HOLT: The robot voice you were doing when you implied I'm a rule-following robot. I wanna hear it again.

(The other officers stare uncomfortably. Amy looks like she’s enjoying this.)

JAKE: (feebly) Meep morp... zarp. Robot.

HOLT: That's a terrible robot voice.

JAKE: Yep.

HOLT: The next time I see you, I'd like you to be wearing a necktie. (walks away, towards the front of the room)

JAKE: Oh, actually, the last Captain didn't care if we wore ties.

HOLT: Well, your new Captain does. And more importantly, he cares that you follow his direct orders. (to the room at large) Everyone, I'm your new commanding officer, Captain Ray Holt.

AMY: Speech!

HOLT: That was my speech.

AMY: (nodding approvingly) Short and sweet.

HOLT: Sergeant Jeffords, a word.

TERRY: (nodding and walking towards Holt) Yes, sir.

AMY: (sighs; to Jake) I love that guy.

JAKE: Same!

GINA: He's so suave. Does anyone get a little bit of a gay vibe?

(Jake and Amy are silent)

GINA: No? Okay.

(In the Captain’s office, Holt places a nameplate on his desk that reads “Captain Ray Holt.”)

HOLT: Sergeant, you were in the 1-8 with me... though you were significantly...

(b*at. Terry stands on the other side of Holt’s desk.)

TERRY: Fatter, sir. They called me "Terry Titties." Because I had large, uh...

HOLT: Titties, yes. I remember. I never liked that nickname. Though to be fair, it was accurate. What's this I hear about you being on administrative leave?

TERRY: A year ago, my wife and I had twin baby girls, Cagney and Lacey. (Smiles and pulls out his wallet, showing a picture of the girls to Holt.)

HOLT: (deadpan) They have adorable chubby cheeks.

TERRY: Ever since, I kinda got scared of getting hurt. Lost my edge. There was an incident in a department store.

(Begin flashback to Terry and Jake in uniform and on duty in a department store, situated behind racks of clothes.)

JAKE: Hey, man, you okay? You look a little jumpy.

TERRY: I’m fine. I'm fine.

(A clanging noise is heard and Terry jumps out, screaming, and fires his g*n several times in succession. Cut to a sh*t of what he’s sh**ting — not a person, but a mannequin — but evidently he doesn’t realize because he continues to f*re, shattering several mirrors. He finally runs out of b*ll*ts and the g*n clicks as he breathes heavily. The mannequin falls over, lifeless.)

JAKE: I think he's d*ad.

(End flashback.)

TERRY: And I'm still not right.

HOLT: (getting up from his desk) Tell me about your Detective squad.

(Terry clears his throat and turns towards the window of Holt’s office, which faces the main office of the precinct.)

TERRY: Um... Well, Scully, Hitchcock, and Daniels.

(Cut to sh*t of one woman and two men, all older-looking, all holding cups and talking amongst themselves.)

TERRY (VOICE-OVER): They're pretty much worthless, but they make good coffee.

HOLT: Copy that.

TERRY: Now the good ones. Rosa Diaz. (Cut to sh*t of Rosa, working at her computer at her desk.) Tough, smart, hard to read, and really scary.

(Rosa stops working and lightly strikes the side of her computer with her hand. This is evidently ineffective, because she then starts beating it harder, over and over.)

(Begin flashback to precinct in the wintertime, with Christmas decorations.)

ROSA: (to Hitchcock) Tell me who has me for Secret Santa.

HITCHCOCK: No! That takes all the fun out of it.

(Rosa stares at him intimidatingly)

HITCHCOCK: It's Scully. He got you a scarf. I'll make him return it.

ROSA: Yes, you will. (walks away)

(End flashback.)

TERRY: Charles Boyle. He's a grinder. Not the most brilliant Detective, but he works harder than anyone else. (We see Charles, simultaneously talking on the phone and lifting a large quantity of files.) He's not physically…gifted.

(Begin flashback to Charles in the precinct kitchen. He’s holding a muffin, but he drops it.)

CHARLES: Oh, man! My muffin.

(He bends down to get it and bonks his head on the counter.)

CHARLES: (anguished) Ahh! Oh, my head! My muffin, my head! And I stepped on the... On my muffin! And my head and my muffin…

(End flashback.)

TERRY (VOICE-OVER): Amy Santiago. (Amy is studiously reviewing some files.) She's got seven brothers, so she's always trying to prove she's tough.

(Begin flashback to Amy eating lunch, putting some hot sauce on her sandwich. Scully is sitting next to her.)

SCULLY: Careful. That stuff's pretty hot.

AMY: (defiantly) Oh, is it? Hmm? (She pops the top off the bottle of hot sauce and pours a generous amount on her sandwich, then bites into it. She makes a pained expression of instant regret, turning away to gag and cough. Scully is indifferent.)

(End flashback.)

TERRY (VOICE-OVER): She and Peralta have some big bet over who gets more arrests this year. (We see Jake and Amy at their desks near each other; they both glance up and look at each other.) Ever since the bet, their numbers have gone way up.

HOLT: Tell me about Peralta.

TERRY (VOICE-OVER): Jacob Peralta is my best Detective.

(We see Jake staring intimidatingly at a little toy cop figurine in his hand, as if interrogating it.)

TERRY: He likes putting away bad guys and he loves solving puzzles. The only puzzle he hasn't solved is how to grow up.

HOLT: That was very well put.

TERRY: I’ve talked a lot about Jake in my departmentally mandated therapy sessions.

HOLT: Look, you know my history. You know how important this is to me. This precinct is doing fine, but I wanna make it the best one in Brooklyn. And I need your help.

TERRY: Absolutely, sir. (He and Holt shake hands.) Where do we start?

(Jake snaps his fingers and shimmies up to Amy’s desk.)

JAKE: (whisper-singing) ♪ What is happening? ♪

HOLT: We start with him.

***ACT 2***

(Exterior sh*t of the apartment building where the m*rder victim lived. Text on bottom of screen: “Morgenthau’s Apartment, 1:15 PM.”)

(Cut to Charles, Rosa, Jake, and a few other unspecified officers in the apartment, investigating.)

JAKE: Okay, so the perp came in through the window, left the muddy red footprint, and apparently had s*x with the dish rack.

(As he speaks, we see sh*ts of the footprint and dish rack in question.)

AMY: Shell casing found here. Two sh*ts. (makes finger g*n) Bang, bang.

JAKE: Great work, Detective. (takes a necktie out of his pocket) You get a tie. (tosses it to Amy)

CHARLES: Hey, that's mine. You took it from my desk.

JAKE: That's right, Charles. Good solve. Tie for you. (tosses Charles a tie)

CHARLES: (pleased) Thanks!

(Rosa laughs)

JAKE: Now everyone be sure to put those on, because it's impossible to solve crimes unless you're wearing a tie.

AMY: Lay off the Captain. That man is gonna be my rabbi.

JAKE: Okay, first of all, when you use the word "rabbi," you know that turns me on and that's unfair in the work environment. Secondly, your rabbi is a pain in my ass.

CHARLES: Yeah, he's a little too serious. What do you think, Rosa?

ROSA: He seems cool.

CHARLES: Yeah, he seems cool. I agree.

ROSA: (reading from a notepad) Looks like the perp stole a computer, a watch, and a Jamon lberico ham, valued at... (laughs incredulously) what?! $6,000.

JAKE: $6,000 for a ham?

CHARLES: Jamon lberico is an amazing cured ham from Spain. They had it at my uncle's funeral. I gorged myself at that funeral. I mean, I was constipated for three days.

JAKE: Wow, that's a great story, Charles, thank you.

(Charles laughs)

JAKE: All right, listen up, everybody. Better contact Captain Holt, let him know we got a ten-tie situation.

HOLT: (behind Jake) Speaking of ties, where's yours, meep morp?

JAKE: (shakes head; under his breath) This is fantastic. (turns around to face Holt) Captain! Hey! Welcome to the m*rder. What are you doing here?

HOLT: I like to know what my detectives are up to. That okay by you?

JAKE: Yep.

HOLT: Take Santiago and knock on doors. See if the neighbors heard anything.

JAKE: Door duty? It's a waste of time.

HOLT: Diaz and Boyle. Check in with the coroner. Report back to me in an hour. (leaves)

JAKE: (sighs) That went well.

HOLT (OFF-SCREEN): No, it didn't.

JAKE: He's got, like, super hearing.

(Cut to Rosa walking to her car and Charles running after her.)

CHARLES: Hey, Rosa! Rosa. Rosa! (catching up to her as she opens her car door) Um, I just happened to notice that there's an old movie festival playing at the film forum this week. Wanna go?

ROSA: Sure.

CHARLES: Cool! Awesome. (Rosa gets into her car and shuts the door) There's a bunch of movie options. I'll probably just go with something classic like Citizen Kane.

ROSA: Citizen Kane is terrible. Pick a good movie. (starts the engine)

CHARLES: Good call. Smart. (Rosa drives away) I'll do it. I'll pick a better movie than Citizen Kane.

(Exterior sh*t of the precinct building.)

HOLT (VOICE-OVER): So, Gina...

(Cut to Gina and Holt in Holt’s office.)

HOLT: Civilian administrators like yourself often have their ear to the ground. What do Santiago and Peralta have riding on this bet of theirs?

GINA: I will tell you on six conditions. Number one, you let me use your office to practice my dance moves. Second...

HOLT: How about this? If you tell me...

GINA: Mm-hmm.

HOLT: I won't have you suspended... Without pay.

GINA: Oh, that sounds great. Okay, the deal is if Amy gets more arrests, Jake has to give her his car. It's an old Mustang, and it's pretty sweet. If he gets more arrests, she has to go on a date with him. He guarantees… (makes a circling motion with her finger) it will end in s*x. I bet on at least some over-the-clothes action. At the very least, some touching...

HOLT: No, that's enough, Gina.

GINA: (gestures over her torso) Caresses. I could see him showing up in a silk robe…

HOLT: That's enough, Gina.

GINA: All right.

HOLT: Thank you.

(Exterior sh*t of the m*rder victim’s apartment building. Text on bottom of screen: “Morgenthau’s Building, Door Duty, 1:45 PM.)

JAKE (VOICE-OVER): Let the wasting of time begin.

(Cut to sh*t of Jake and Amy in a hallway of the apartment building. Jake knocks on a door and a young dude with shaggy hair and glasses opens it. A couple other young adults are visible behind him in the apartment.)

AMY: Hello, sir. Can we ask you a few questions?

YOUNG DUDE: Definitely. Yeah. I'm actually... I'm super glad you guys are here right now. Are you smelling that weed smell?

JAKE AND AMY: (nod; in unison) Yeah.

YOUNG DUDE: ‘Cause a dude broke in, smoked weed, and bolted. (Laughs) It's...

JAKE: Do you think it's the same dude that left that bong there on the floor?

YOUNG DUDE: (looks down at his apartment floor, then back at Jake and Amy) Yes?

(Cut to Jake and Amy knocking on a different door.)

JAKE: Police!

(MLEPNOS, a foreign man with wild eyes, opens the door a crack.)

AMY (OFF-SCREEN): Hello.

MLEPNOS: Hello.

AMY: What's your name?

MLEPNOS: My name?

AMY: Mm-hmm.

MLEPNOS: Mlepnos.

(Both Amy and Jake look bewildered.)

AMY: Can you spell that, please?

MLEPNOS: M-l-e-p…clay—

AMY: Did you say "Clay"?

MLEPNOS: Yes, the "Clay" is silent.

AMY: All right, got it. (holds up a photo of Morgenthau) Have you seen this man before? He was sh*t last night.

MLEPNOS: (takes the photo from Amy) Oh. Thank you. (begins to close the door)

AMY: No, sir, that's ours. We need that. We...

(Door shuts)

JAKE: And he kept it.

(Cut to Jake and Amy arriving at another apartment; we see the doormat on the floor in front of the door.)

AMY: Wall Street journal on the doormat... Top floor apartment. 20 bucks says this guy's like a hot, eligible bachelor.

JAKE: I’ll take that action. (knocks on door) Police! Open up!

(An elderly man with white hair, who is wearing a bathrobe, opens the door.)

OLD MAN: Hello.

JAKE: (laughing delightedly) Oh! Hello, sir! How are you today? I am Detective Right-All-The-Time, and this is my partner Detective Terrible Detective. (He points at Amy, who looks annoyed.)

(Exterior sh*t of the precinct building. Cut to Charles, Rosa, Holt, Amy, and Jake inside the office, going over the facts of the case.)

CHARLES: No surprises from the coroner. A few g*n, shoulder and chest.

JAKE: None of the neighbors heard or saw anything. And what's worse— (points to Amy) Santiago struck out with a 92-year-old.

AMY: (to Holt) That is not accurate, sir.

JAKE: Wait, you hooked up with him? Ugh!

HOLT: All right, h*t the pawn shops and canvass the neighborhood. (points to Jake) And while you're out, you can buy yourself a tie.

JAKE: Oh, actually, sir.. (stands up)  I'm wearing a tie right now. (Lifts his shirt up to reveal a tie tied around his stomach, like a belt but higher up, secured with a knot. It’s also worth mentioning that his torso is completely smooth and hairless.) Check it out. Secret tie.

HOLT: First of all, I think you're kind of overdoing it with the manscaping. But more importantly, Detective, why do you refuse to take my orders seriously? (to all four of the detectives) Does anyone here know why it's so important to me that you all dress appropriately?

(They are all silent.)

HOLT: Hmm. Four highly trained detectives and not one of you can solve this simple mystery. I wanna be briefed on any new developments. Any questions?

JAKE: I was gonna ask you if you thought I was doing too much manscaping, but we solved that one. So I'm good.

(Holt walks away.)

JAKE (OFF-SCREEN): Hey, Boyle.

CHARLES: Yep.

JAKE: What about this fancy ham stuff?

CHARLES: Jamon lberico.

JAKE: Yes. The perp left a really expensive TV but then stole ham? It doesn't make sense. Is there a place nearby the crime scene that sells it?

CHARLES: (thinks for a second) Beneficio's might.

JAKE: Let's go. (gets his coat from his chair)

CHARLES: You gotta brief the C.O. first.

JAKE: (leaving) We'll brief him after we catch the guy.

(Charles looks back, then leaves with Jake.)

(Exterior sh*t of Beneficio’s, a food market. Text on bottom of screen: “Beneficio’s Gourmet Market, 1:45 PM.” Cut to inside of the market, where Jake and Charles are talking with RATKO, a butcher behind the counter.)

RATKO: My name is Ratko. I don't know anything.

JAKE: Oh, okay. (holds up photo) You recognize this guy? Henry Morgenthau?

RATKO: (looking away) No.

(b*at of silence)

JAKE: Maybe actually… look at the picture.

RATKO: I don't know him. I don't know what happened. No more questions.

JAKE: Well, why don't I run a scenario past you, Ratko, and you tell me what you think? You do know Morgenthau. He came in here and tried to sell you some hams. You knew they were worth a lotta money, so you tried to steal them from him when he wasn't home. Only he was home, so you sh*t him. Does that sound familiar?

(Ratko is silent.)

JAKE: Uh, maybe some role play will jog your memory?

CHARLES: Great idea.

JAKE: Okay, yeah.

CHARLES: Okay. So I'm... I'm Ratko.

JAKE: No, no, I'm Ratko.

CHARLES: Come on. I'm always the victim.

JAKE: Look, I'm not doing this with you right here—

CHARLES: Fine, fine. (clears throat; in an affected accent) Oh! I'm Henry Morgenthau, owner of delicious and expensive hams. (Gestures to Jake) Don't I know you from the grocery store?

JAKE: (with a finger g*n) k*ll! And scene.

(Both of them look at Ratko, who says nothing for a second, then sweeps everything off the counter and leaps over it.)

JAKE: (yelling) NYPD! Everyone down! (He holds up a g*n. There’s a woman next to him.) Ma'am, if you could just get down, or... ignore me and continue shopping. Boyle, get the door!

CHARLES: On it!

JAKE: (calls out) Ratko!

(Jake walks through the aisles of the food market, looking around and searching for Ratko, his g*n still poised. Suddenly, Ratko leaps out at him, knocking his g*n from his hand. Charles sees this and rushes over, holding his own g*n. A brawl breaks out between Ratko and Jake; Ratko forcefully pushes Jake against the shelves several times, but Jake gets the upper hand against Ratko and laughs triumphantly. But Ratko manages to push both Jake and Charles down and run away, leaping back over the counter. From there, he begins throwing food items at the two of them.)

JAKE (OFF-SCREEN): Ow, Ratko, ow!

CHARLES: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Ratko!

JAKE: I’m getting mad!

CHARLES: (ducking and trying to dodge the food items) That's a waste of manchego!

JAKE: Charles!

(Jake gestures for Charles to get away, and Charles complies. Jake peeks behind the aisle and sees the same woman as before, still peacefully shopping.)

JAKE: How are you still here?

CHARLES (OFF-SCREEN): (shrilly) Jake! Little help!

(We see Charles behind the counter; Ratko is pushing his face into the food.)

CHARLES: (muffled) Ratko! He's not going anywhere, Jake!

JAKE: (yelling) Ratko! (He propels himself over the counter)

(Ratko has Charles’ legs now.)

CHARLES (muffled): I got him! I got him! Don't worry!

(But as he’s saying this, Ratko lets go of Charles’ legs and escapes. Charles frees himself from the counter and gets up, covered in food, both he and Jake looking defeated.)

JAKE (OFF-SCREEN:) So no, I did not brief you. And yes, he did get away…

(Cut to Holt’s office, where Terry and Holt are listening to Jake speak, Holt looking disapproving. Charles is next to Jake, still covered in food.)

JAKE: But some bonus good news... (holding up a container of ice cream) I got you hazelnut. (puts it in front of Holt’s desk; whispering as he adjusts the plastic spoon) And... a little spoon there for you.

(Holt still looks disapproving.)

***ACT 3***

(Cut to Jake, Amy, and Terry in the records room, filled with shelves and shelves of files.)

JAKE: (scoffs) Is he seriously assigning me to the records room? I mean, why do we even have a records room? Computer's been invented, right? I didn't dream it?

TERRY: You're lucky, man. I wish I could get assigned here full-time. You could not be farther from the action.

JAKE: Sergeant, you know me. I have more arrests than anyone. Will you please tell the Captain how dumb it is to lock his best detective in a file cabinet?

AMY: Second best.

TERRY: You're wrong about Holt. That man has forgotten more about being a cop than you will ever know. In 1981, he caught the disco strangler.

(Begin flashback to a young Holt in the 80s, with darker hair, glasses, and a thick, dark mustache. Light disco music plays as he holds up a g*n.)

YOUNG HOLT: It's over, disco man! Put down the yo-yo and back away from the girl.

(A guy with an afro, holding a flashing blue yo-yo and a terrified-looking blonde girl, is shown.)

(End flashback.)

JAKE: Wow.

TERRY: The man is the real deal. You need to listen to him.

AMY: Gonna be hard to win our bet when you're on the bench, Peralta. Although I did start a new category. "m*rder we let go." (Holds up a legal pad with “m*rder We Let Go” written across the top. Underneath, it says “Jake: 1. Amy: 0.”) And look at that. You're winning. (She looks delighted; Jake smiles tightly.) Have fun with your files. (walks away, satisfied)

JAKE: (calling after her) Yeah, you know what, I will have fun with my files. Have fun with your face! (tries to slam the wire door of the records room, but it just swings right back out again) Slam! That was a slam.

(Cut back to the main office of the precinct. Rosa walks over to Charles’ desk and bangs against it, startling him.)

ROSA: So what movie did you get us tickets to?

CHARLES: Oh, well, just to be safe, I bought tickets to all of them.

ROSA: Just to be safe? What does that mean?

CHARLES: I don't know, I didn't wanna mess up. Because you're sort of... Opinionated.

ROSA: You think I'm opinionated? Okay, here's an opinion for you. You're a bad judge of character and your shirt looks like vomit.

(b*at.)

CHARLES: So we can go see North by Northwest?

ROSA: We're not seeing a movie together.

CHARLES: Good call. Smart. Keep it profesh.

(Rosa walks away. The camera pans over to Gina, who gives a thumbs-up. Charles nods at her and smiles. Then Gina changes her thumbs-up to a thumbs-down and blows a raspberry. She mimics an expl*si*n with her hands and mouth. Charles nods, disappointed.)

(Cut back to the records room. Holt enters, knocking. Jake is going through records and is now wearing a blue-and-white striped tie.)

JAKE: Hey, Captain.

HOLT (OFF-SCREEN): So you found something? (points) Hey, I like the tie.

JAKE: (makes resigned gesture) If you can't b*at 'em, join 'em. Anyway, I think I got something good here. Turns out the name "Ratko" is made up. But I was digging through these files…one of which I literally found in a spider web…and it turns out there were a bunch of references to a Serbian thug, street names “The Rat" and “The Butcher," who's known to hang out at a storage unit near Boerum Park, which has red soil, hence the muddy red footprint on Morgenthau's counter. (drops pen, satisfied)

HOLT: That's fine work, Detective.

JAKE: Thank you very much, sir. Testament to what can be achieved when you dress appropriately.

(He stands up, and we see that he is wearing a colorful Speedo and no pants. He holds up his hand for a fist bump.)

JAKE: Let's pound it out.

(b*at. Holt refuses to return Jake’s fist pump.)

HOLT: You know what, such fine police work, let's share it with the whole team. (walks away and calls out) Santiago! Boyle! Diaz! Get in here! Bring everyone! And a camera!

JAKE: (embarrassed) That's not necessary.

HOLT: Let’s have a hand for the work—

JAKE: …Oh, they're here!

(Sure enough, Charles, Rosa, Amy, Terry, Gina, and a lot of other unspecified officers are filing through the door, laughing at the sight of Jake’s Speedo.)

HOLT: —of the fine master detective, Jake Peralta. Yeah, let's have a hand, everyone. Give him a hand.

ALL: (clapping) Yeah, nice! (cheers, applause, wolf whistle)

ROSA: Looking good!

JAKE: Yeah. Thank you.

(Cut to exterior of a storage building. Text on bottom of screen: “Brooklyn Safe Storage, 10:14 PM.”)

AMY (OFF-SCREEN): No record of Ratko on the ledger. Must've used cash.

(Cut to Amy, Holt, and Jake in a car. Jake is in the backseat, leaning forward to talk to Amy and Holt.)

JAKE: Well, I, for one, am just pumped to be on a stakeout with you, Captain. You know what my favorite thing about stakeouts is? Patrol guide says "no dress code." So I'm just the zip-up hoodie and my two best friends.

HOLT: (to Amy) Does he always talk this much?

AMY: I just tune it out. It's like a white noise machine.

JAKE: Okay, first of all, that's r*cist. Secondly, Captain, Terry told me you caught the disco strangler. That's incredible. I've read that case. With all due respect, sir, why'd it take you so long to get your first command?

HOLT: Because I'm gay.

JAKE: (chuckles) Ah.

(b*at of silence)

JAKE: Seriously?

HOLT: I’m surprised you didn't know. I don't try to hide it.

(Slow zoom in on Jake’s face. Begin flashback sequence of moments earlier in the episode. The first is of Jake and Charles talking in Holt’s office; the camera zooms in on a framed page of the newspaper, with the headline “Openly Gay Captain Appointed.” The second is of Gina, after Holt’s speech.)

GINA: Did anyone else get a little bit of a gay vibe?

(The third is of Holt, speaking to Jake in slow motion.)

HOLT: (slowed down) Manscaping.

(End flashback sequence.)

JAKE: Damn! I am not a good Detective.

(Cut to Rosa and Charles in a different car outside of the same storage unit.)

ROSA: Here. (handing Charles some cash) I feel bad that you spent all that money on the movie tickets.

CHARLES: Why don't you just go to the movies with me?

ROSA: (immediately) Nope.

CHARLES: Okay… Well, this is awkward.

ROSA: It's not awkward. I like your company. You're sweet.

(Charles looks at her, looks away, and smiles.)

(Cut back to Amy, Jake, and Holt’s car.)

AMY: When did you come out?

HOLT: About 25 years ago. The NYPD was not ready for an openly gay detective. But then the old guard died out. Suddenly, they couldn't wait to show off the fact that they had a highly ranking gay officer. I made Captain. But they put me in a public affairs unit. I was a good soldier. I helped recruitment. But all I ever really wanted was my own command. And now I finally got it. And I'm not gonna screw it up.

JAKE: Captain, I'm sorry. I... I feel like a jackass. (Sighs) But on the flip side, there's Ratko. (We see Ratko in the distance, opening a door to the storage unit.) Humility over. I'm amazing!

(Upbeat music plays as Jake, Amy, and Holt exit the car, suit up, and run towards the doors of the storage unit.)

JAKE: Fantastic. 3,000 identical blue doors.

HOLT: Looks like we all got door duty.

JAKE: (nods) Ah, yeah. From before. Good one. (to Amy) You look great.

(Holt and Jake each point their g*n at opposite doors.)

HOLT: Clear.

(Jake walks down a hallway of doors, looking around, on high alert. Cut to Amy and Holt, also pointing their g*n down a different hallway; Holt is also holding a flashlight.)

HOLT: Clear.

(He turns around to face the same direction as Amy and shines his flashlight on a maintenance worker, who’s mopping up in a narrow hallway and wearing headphones. Amy gestures for the maintenance worker to move along. The worker makes a sweeping gesture with his arm. Amy points at her badge and the word “NYPD” printed on her vest. The worker turns around and points at the word “MAINTENANCE” printed on the back of his jacket. Holt makes a small head gesture indicating that they should go around the maintenance worker, and Amy sighs.)

AMY: Okay.

(Holt and Amy squeeze past the worker.)

AMY: (to the worker) Unbelievable! Un-believable!

(Jake, walking down a hallway on his own, sees a storage shed with an unlocked door. He pushes the door up, and there is Ratko, already pointing a g*n at him.)

JAKE: Ah. Ratko, great to see you.

RATKO: (walking backwards down the hallway, his g*n still pointed at Jake) You can't stop me. I'm going.

JAKE: Actually, you're not going anywhere. 'Cause if you take a look to your left, you'll see Detective's Boyle and Diaz. Right there is Detective Santiago. And behind you is Captain Holt. (We see sh*ts of each of these people in different locations around Jake and Ratko, each with their g*n drawn and at the ready.) Point is... My team has you surrounded. Oh, my God, I just got the tie thing! Captain, I just figured it out.

HOLT: (urgently) Maybe now's not the best time, Detective.

JAKE: It's a uniform! We're a team, and the tie is a part of that team's uniform, right?

RATKO: You ask Ratko what team?

JAKE: No, Ratko, shut up. (to Holt) It's important to you because you were kept off the team for so long. And now you're the coach, and you want us to all wear that same uniform. Boom! Nailed it!

HOLT: Yes, you did. Now just arrest Ratko.

JAKE: (drawing his g*n again) All right, Ratko, down. Drop the w*apon. Hands on your head. Here we go.

(Ratko slowly puts down his g*n, but then runs in the opposite direction.)

HOLT: Hey!

JAKE: He's running!

(Amy draws her nightstick and is able to take Ratko down with it.)

AMY: Oh! Got him!

(Rosa and Charles rush over to handcuff him.)

ROSA: Hands behind your back! Hands behind your back!

(Cut to Jake and Holt, standing next to each other, holstering their g*n.)

CHARLES (OFF-SCREEN): Stay down.

JAKE: That's how we do it in the Nine-Nine, sir. Catch bad guys and look good doing it.

(A b*at as he shifts uncomfortably.)

HOLT: What's wrong with you?

JAKE: Never took off the Speedo. Big mistake. It is inside me. Great work, team!

(The upbeat music swells as he walks away. End titles.)

CREDIT: Episode corrected, transcribed and submitted by: Maya B
{"type": "series", "show": "Brooklyn Nine-Nine", "episode": "01x01 - Pilot"}