In Craig’s garage, the band is practicing

Craig: (Singing) Well somebody better stop me ‘cause my feet don’t touch the ground. I can’t keep my hands off of you and there’s nothing I can do-

(The sound is really off and Craig gives them a weird look.)

Craig: (Singing) I can’t keep my hands off of you.

Craig: Alright stop. Stop! Jimmy, look unless your last name is Hendrix and you’ve come back to rock us from the grave. No solos while I’m singing!

Marco: We’re never gonna get a wedding job.

Craig: No. No we will and, and every cent we earn we’ll spend on recording gear. We’ll be able to cut our own record. 

Jimmy: Look the music you have us playing is lame and wedding bands are lame, ergo you’re lame. 

Craig: No, your funk guitar is lame! If you learned…

(All three guys start arguing with each other.)

Ellie: Okay what’s lame is sitting around and criticizing, unless you have a better idea.

Jimmy: Weddings are gigs I guess. 

(A car horn is honked.)

Jimmy: That’s my dad. 

Marco: Uh yeah Jimmy, is it cool if I get a ride with you?

Jimmy: Yeah.

(Jimmy and Marco leave.)

Craig: Thanks for backing me up El.

Ellie: I like playing with you. The band, I mean. I’ve really learnt a lot. 

Craig: It shows. Your drumming’s tight.

Ellie: Not on that last number. 

Craig: Alright. I wanna give you a little lesson in funk drumming. In funk it’s all about the AXmp. So it’s like…

(He starts making noises with his mouth and Ellie joins in with the drums.)

Craig: Yeah you gotta feel it.

At Jeremiah Motors

Joey: Well there are a few options in your price range. There’s this little baby right here. It’s got style, performance. It’s an all-in-one cool little package. 

Diane: Uh my ex boyfriend said I shouldn’t buy an import.

Joey: Well I have to question the wisdom of any man stupid enough to let you go. The man’s obviously a fool.

Diane: No I am. I’m the one who put his band up to play my sister’s wedding this weekend before he dumped me and fell off the face of the earth. 

Joey: So you’re looking for a wedding band?

(Craig overhears and walks over quickly.)

Craig: I have a band. We can do weddings. 

Joey: Diane this is Craig. He’s a musician, carhop and shameless self promoter. 

Diane: I swear every other band in the city is booked. I’m scrambling.

Joey: Well if it’s alright with you, you could come by the house tomorrow night, you can get the band audition for you and I can talk you into an import. 

Diane: Over a glass of wine?

Joey: Yeah. It’s a deal.

Diane: I’ll call you.

Joey: Alright. 

(She leaves and Joey watches her go.)

Joey: Who’s the man?

Craig: You are Joey.

Joey: That’s right. 

At school

Craig: What are the odds? Just when we need our first gig, this girl walks right onto the lot. It’s like someone up there wants us to play a wedding.

Marc: The god of mediocrity? 

Jimmy: Downtown Sasquatch go forth and play the chicken dance. 

Marco: So the other night you and Ellie?

Craig: What? We rehearsed some more. We did some hardcore funking.

Marco: You hear the words coming out of your mouth?

Whatever. We hung out, we watched a DVD. 

Marco: Okay. Which one? Craig Intentions? How Craig Got His Groove Back?

Craig: 90% of my issues in life… girls, girls, girls.

Marco: True. 

Craig: So this year I’m a monk. Just school and the band. No distractions. No drama. 

Marco: Good. Well then good thing you put the cutest girl in school on drums. 

Craig: Maybe you didn’t hear me. 

(Some random girl walks by and touches Craig’s shoulder.)

Random girl: Hi.

Craig: Hey.

(He walks into a door.)

Marco: No distractions eh bud?

In the hallway

JT: Liberty wait up. How have you been feeling? Are you still repulsed by the concept of breakfast? Are you ever gonna talk to me again? Okay whatever if there’s something I can do for you, anything at all, I’ll do it. 

Liberty: You can mangle your male parts in a tragic industrial accident. 

(Liberty walks away from him.)

In the cafeteria, Manny walks by Spinner and Darcy sitting together

Manny: Hey Spinner, Darcy.

Peter: Hey Manny have a seat. 

(She keeps walking and he follows her.)

Peter: Can we just call it water under the bridge? My mother’s having me on lockdown for weeks. 

Manny: Please.

Peter: I’m not finished.

(He pushes Manny against the lockers and Craig walks over and pushes Peter against the lockers.)

Craig: I think you are. You don’t talk to her, you don’t even look at her ever again or you deal with me. Clear?

Peter: Crystal.

(Peter leaves and Craig grabs Manny’s hand.)

Craig: Let’s get out of here. 

Outside the school, Manny is eating a sandwich

Craig: You okay?

Manny: Simpson’s a big fan of mayo. It’s like glob-ular. 

Craig: Are you okay in a bigger sense?

Manny: Didn’t you see the video? You know me, lots of vodka, little clothing?

Craig: No, I, I didn’t, I missed it. Okay I did, but I closed it really quickly. 

Manny: Please let me die. 

Craig: Who cares that I saw it?

Manny: I do, okay? You’re you. 

Craig: Is it weird to say that I wish I was there that night? Stop that freak from filming you. 

Manny: No it’s not weird. It makes me feel better. Like you’re my protector.

Craig: What are friends for right?

At Craig and Ellie’s meeting

Leader: So Craig tell us what’s been going on with you. 

Craig: Well Ellie and I have an audition tonight for uh, a wedding gig. 

(Everyone starts clapping for them.)

Craig: So I’m good. I’m feeling good. I’m happy. You guys have seen me down in the depths so it’s good to be coming out the other side feeling strong, but I gotta say I’d be nowhere without that girl over there. Ellie’s been incredible. Thanks. Thank you. 

At Joey’s house

Craig: Joey that’s what you’re wearing?

Joey: My leisure suit’s at the cleaners. 

Craig: In case you didn’t know there’s an insanely hot woman who’s gonna be over here in oh, twenty minutes!

Joey: I’m aware.

Craig: What happened to you? You were all over her yesterday. 

Joey: I know and then I found out that Diane is 23. I’m 34 Craig. What am I gonna do with a 23 year old?

Craig: Do you need me to draw you a diagram?

(Joey laughs and Craig brings him a jacket to wear.)

Joey: What? Aw come on! What about you, huh? That uh Ellie girl seems kinda cute. 

Craig: She’s cute. She’s a friend. She’s a friend who happens to be a girl. She’s um, a friend-girl if you will.

Joey: Uh yeah take it from someone who knows, there ain’t no such thing.

In Craig’s garage

Craig: Okay uh thanks for coming down to audition us Diane. We’re Downtown Sasquatch. 

(The band starts playing.)

Craig: (Singing) Everybody, got a secret. Party people, getting down. But somebody better stop me ‘cause my feet don’t touch the ground.

Everyone: (Singing) I can’t keep my hands off of you and there’s nothing I can do. I can’t keep my hands off of you. 

(Diane and Joey walk into the house, while the band is still practicing.)

Diane: They’re almost too cool for my sister.

Joey: Well I’m just happy that you were able to replace your ex’s band. I guess you uh must still be reeling from that, the break-up I mean. 

Diane: I don’t think so. Who needs 200 pounds of idiot drooling on them all the time? Nope. Done, over. 

Joey: And you can just get over someone so quickly, all 200 pounds?

Diane: It’s just the way I am. I know what I want and I act on it.

Joey: Life’s too short. Cheers. 

(They clink glasses.)

Diane: Ooh gotta go. Rehearsal dinner. So not looking forward to this wedding. There’s nothing quite so depressing as being dateless in a bridesmaid’s dress.

(He helps her put on her jacket.)

Diane: Thank you. 

Joey: Well uh, if you need a date I happen to know a nice, single guy who matches most dresses. 

Diane: Well if you happen to speak to him tell him Diane wants him to be her date and to call her tomorrow.

Joey: Okay. 

(Joey walks her to the door.)

Joey: Bye. 

At the Dot, Spinner is on the phone in the background

Spinner: (On the phone) Darcy what are you doing on Sunday? Yeah I know you have church! What about after?

Marco: Hey uh Jimmy and I, we’re gonna jet so I’ll see you later. 

Craig: Wait! we’re celebrating.

Marco: No we’re studying. You’re celebrating. 

(Craig gives Marco a weird look and sits down across from Ellie.)

Ellie: Your drum lesson, so great. I just wanted to say thanks.

Craig: I should thank you for saving the band and backing me up all the time. 

Ellie: Well I’ve heard you say a lot in group, about needing people. I think we all do sometimes.

(The bell on the door rings.)

Craig: Manny, hey over here! Join us.

Manny: I didn’t want to interrupt. Are you sure you guys don’t want any privacy? 

Craig: Who needs privacy? We’re all friends here right?

Ellie: Right. Friends-city! 

At the mall

Marco: So Craigs! Anything you want to share with your best friend in the whole world?

Craig: I thought Ellie was your best friend.

Marco: Ellie, Ellie, who’s Ellie…? Oh yeah! She’s that cute, smart, funny girl. The one you had a date with last night. 

Craig: It wasn’t a date. Monks don’t date. It was friends hanging out. Matter of fact, my other friend Manny joined us.

Marco: Cue the romantic train wreck.

Craig: We’re gonna need some help tonight. 

(They bump into Joey who is about to buy some condoms.)

Craig: Joey, hey what are you doing here? Oh.

Joey: I was just getting these um…

Craig and Marco: Prophylactics!

Marco: Yeah.

Joey: Yeah Marco. That’s exactly what I’m doing ‘cause uh well you gotta be safe right? Um so you guys remember that okay? No glove, no love. 

Craig: Ew. 

Outside Craig’s garage, Marco and Craig are carrying an amp

Marco: You’re k*lling me man. This thing is way too heavy. 

(Jimmy whistles at Ellie walking towards them dressed up.)

Ellie: Need a hand?

(Craig stares at her and drops the case on Marco’s foot.)

Marco: Ow! My toe!

Craig: Sorry, sorry. I got distracted.

(Marco sees Manny walk over.)

Marco: Craig. Craig. Check it out. 

Manny: Hi guys. Ellie. 

Craig: Uh I invited Manny along. I thought we might need an extra hand. 

Ellie: Yeah very practical roadie costume. 

At the wedding, everything is being set up

Craig: Why, why must they be so hot?

Marco: Uh you’re not supposed to find your friends hot. 

Craig: It’s not my fault. I’m not the one who showed up looking like that!

Marco: What? You said you were gonna be a monk. 

Craig: The monk is tired of the monastery okay? The monastic life just wasn’t for him and now I have no idea what to do.

(Ellie is setting things up and Manny is checking her makeup.)

Ellie: Hey if you’re here to do things, you should do things.

Manny: There’s nothing else to do, unless…

(She pulls out the tambourine.)

Manny: Craig loves my tambourine. 

Ellie: Yeah. We don’t need any low rent pop tarts in our band.

Manny: Well they do say there should be at least one attractive girl in every band. 

(She flips her hair and walks away as Jimmy watches in amusement.)

Ellie: Oh you’re not calling me ugly!

During the wedding reception

Diane: Girls, this is Joey. Joey these are my friends, Mia and Catherine.

Friend 1: Hi. 

Diane: Joey has his own business. 

Joey: Yeah I’m a sales representative for previously loved vehicles. 

(He and Diane laugh as the two girls look at him weirdly.)

Joey: I’m a used car salesman. Uh you might have seen my commercial. Give you the shirt off my back?

(He pretends to rip his shirt off while Diane laughs and her friends give him a weird look, then start laughing.)

Friend 1: Oh my god. You so had us going there for a second. The guy in the Jeremiah Motors ad is so cheese-ball. 

Craig: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. We’re Downtown Sasquatch. 

Diane: Let’s dance. 

Joey: Oh no, no.

Diane: Come on. It’ll be fun!

Joey: You really don’t want to see me dance!

Craig: (Singing) Everybody, got a secret. Party people getting down. Well somebody better stop me ‘cause my feet don’t touch the ground. 

(Joey starts dancing wildly and Diane sees her friends laughing at them.)

Diane: Relax. Dance with me. 

Joey: These are some of my best moves! Yeah that’s right. Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

Everyone in the band: (Singing) I can’t keep my hands off of you and there’s nothing I can do. I can’t keep my hands off of you.

Craig: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jimmy Brooks. 

(Jimmy goes into a guitar solo and Craig walks over to Manny.)

Craig: Come on.

Manny: I can’t. I can’t!

Craig: Come on!

(Manny starts dancing on the stage (maybe she can become an exotic dancer when she’s older since she already has experience taking off her top!) and Ellie rolls her eyes)

Diane: You are a dancing machine Mr. Jeremiah and you are wearing me out.

Joey: My dad’s name is Mr. Jeremiah. 

Diane: I’m parched. 

Joey: Well then, why don’t I get us a drink. I’ll be right back.

(He kisses her on the cheek and she fans herself as he walks over to the bar.)

Joey: Hi can I get two red wines please? Uh no wait! Whiskey sours are hipper. Two whiskey sours. 

(Joey sees Diane’s friends and overhears them talking about him.)

Friend 2: Unless Diane’s rebounding majorly, I don’t see any excuse. 

Friend 1: I was trying to come up with a way to describe his dancing and all I could think of was spastic donkey. 

Friend 2: What’s up with that donkey? He’s totally robbing the cradle. 

Friend 1: No Diane is totally robbing the grave.

Joey: Uh Diane I’m not feeling well. Um it just, it came on suddenly. 

Diane: Did you catch something?

Joey: Thank you for the dance.

(He kisses her cheek and leaves.)

Everyone in the band: (Singing) Step on down. Move it all around. Shake your body to this funky sound. Step on down. Move it all around. Shake you body to this funky sound. Listen to me. It’s so easy. Get together…

(Ellie throws a drumstick at Manny and the music stops.)

Manny: Did you just throw a drumstick at my head?

Ellie: You could feel it through all that hairspray? Amazing!

Craig: Uh we apologize. We’re experiencing technical difficulties. We’ll be back for our next set in twenty. Thank you so much!

(Ellie and Manny leave in different directions and Craig turns to Marco.)

Craig: What do I do?

Marco: Oh, well I’m actually too busy enjoying not being you.

(Craig runs off after Ellie.)

Craig: Ellie wait! What the hell’s going on?!

Ellie: You tell me! You’re the one who called her. You’re the one who sat there drooling over her all night like some perv! And this, this isn’t me okay? I don’t dress up.

Craig: I’m flattered…?

Ellie: Don’t be! This is for the gig. This doesn’t mean anything. 

Craig: Ellie. We do group together. You’ve seen me down in the gutter. Lower than low. Lower than I want anyone else to see me. That’s why you’re my friend. My really good friend.

Ellie: So glad I can be there for you.

(She starts walking away.)

Craig: Ellie!

Ellie: Bye. See you in group. 

At Joey’s house

Craig: Hey. You took off last night. What happened? 

Joey: Let’s just say the date ended early.

(Joey eats some of Angie’s food.)

Angie: Hey that’s mine!

Joey: How was the gig?

Craig: Let’s just say the gig ended early. 

(They hear the doorbell ring.)

Craig: I’ll tell you about it later.

Joey: Diane. What are you doing here?

Diane: In your rush to bail last night you forgot your hideous favour. 

(Joey laughs and she hands him the wedding favour.)

Diane: Don’t laugh. I spent weeks making those nasty things. 

Joey: This is pretty hideous. It’s uh almost as bad as me on the dance floor.

Diane: Joey I like the way you dance.

Joey: Diane I feel the need to remind you that I’m a 34 year old single dad who owns a used car lot. I have a house I don’t even own…

(She leans in and kisses him.)

Diane: And I’m a 23 year old girl who’s tired of dating boys. A girl who wants a cute, sweet, dependable guy who really makes her laugh. A girl who also makes a k*ller Florentine omelette. Can I come in?

(She walks in and Joey smiles.)

Outside Emma’s house, Manny is wearing her pyjamas looking at a magazine

Manny: As if it wasn’t embarrassing enough last night now you have to see me with my jammies on. I’m sorry I ruined your gig.

Craig: The Squatch isn’t cut out for weddings. Funerals maybe. 

Manny: Despite the freak show, I had fun. It was nice of you to invite me. 

Craig: I had ulterior motives. Ever since that video came out things have sucked for you, so I wanted to cheer you up, make you smile again.

Manny: What are friends for right?

(Craig leans in and starts kissing her.)

Scenes for next week

Jimmy: (To the camera) They say I’m gonna be a basketball star after all, so why do I keep bl*wing it?

Announcer: The national wheelchair sports association likes a competitive edge. 

(Jimmy is shown playing wheelchair basketball.)

Scout: Tryouts are Wednesday.

(Jimmy shakes hands with the scout.)

Jimmy: Thank you. 

Voiceover: Jimmy the athlete is back and Jimmy the artist is emerging.

Ellie: (Looking at his drawings) These are really good. 

Voiceover: Is there room for both?

Jimmy: (To Hazel) I’ve changed.
{"type": "series", "show": "Degrassi Next Generation", "episode": "05x05 - Weddings, Parties, Anything"}