Shin: While the show was on a one year break,

Shin: Gin-san, Kagura-chan, and everyone else I knew changed into completely different people.

Shin: And they all claimed that two years had passed since the show went off the air.

Caption: [Wartirine / Warti / Wartise]

Shin: I tried to escape this cruel reality

Shin: and arrived at the beach,

Shin: only to find a very different Kyubei-san!

Shin: And there was more to come...

Katsura: Enough, Sir Kyubei.

 You...

Katsura: I...

Katsura: ...became Zurako!

[Everyone Looks Pretty Grown Up After Summer Break]

Shin: Your characters don't overlap at all!

Shin: You stinkin' lunatic!

Shin: You're the only one who's stupid enough to have his balls removed to avoid character overlap!

Shin: And hell, you're both trannies now!

Katsura: C-Curses!

Katsura: I was so focused on the details that I lost sight of the big picture!

Shin: That's not all you lost!

Katsura: Sir Kyubei!

Katsura: It appears that we are doomed to share the same character traits.

Katsura: One of us must be eliminated for the sake of more screen time.

Katsura: One has both balls and boobs.

Katsura: The other has neither balls nor boobs.

Katsura: Let us determine who the true transsexual is!

Both: The position of gay bar champion...

Both: ...shall be mine!

Shin: Is that even worth fighting over?!

Shin: What the hell...

Shin: First people growing, now people changing their gender...

Shin: The only thing that hasn't changed...

Shin: ...is how they're still a bunch of idiots.

Yama: There you are.

[Shinsengumi]

Yama: Stinkin' four eyes.

Yama: You got guts to escape from your first day on the job, an?

Yama: You're ready to die, an?

Shin: O-Okita-san?!

Shin: That bazooka is Okita-san's!

Yama: What are you babblin' about?

Yama: I don't see you for a while, and you need glasses for your brain now, an?

Yama: It's me.

Yama: Vice-Commander of the Shinsengumi.

Yama: Jimmy Yamazaki, an?

Shin: What?!

Yama: Now move your ass, an?

Shin: No way!

Shin: Average Joe Yamazaki?!

Yama: That's ancient history!

Yama: Back when I was still a cherry boy!

Yama: I stand fully erect now!

Yama: I'm Jimmy Yamazaki, the vice-commander who makes crying babies cry harder, an?

Shin: Whoa!

Shin: What happened?!

Shin: You're addicted to anpan now!

Shin: It's even showing up in your speech!

Yama: Hey, start driving, an?

Hijikata: Uh...

Yama: I said to drive the damn car, nitwit!

Hijikata: Ow...

Hijikata: Well, I wanted to say hello first since it's been a while.

Yama: Nobody's gonna remember a no name like you, an?

Hijikata: It's been so long, Shinpachi-kun.

Hijikata: I'm Toshiro Hijikata.

Hijikata: Do you remember me?

Hijikata: Of course not.

Shin: Hi-Hijikata-san?!

Shin: Is this Hijikata-san?!

Shin: No way!

Shin: Hijikata-san would never smile like this!

Shin: Especially not after being slapped around by someone like Yamazaki-san!

Yama: Hey, what's that supposed to mean? Explain, Hijikata, an?

Shin: He's smiling after being h*t for no reason!

Hijikata: A lot's happened.

Hijikata: I took over as commander after Kondo-san retired,

Hijikata: but it became painfully clear that ruling through fear would no longer work.

Hijikata: And after some thinking, I decided to halve my way of life, my mayonnaise intake, and my calorie intake.

Hijikata: As a result, I'm now known as Toshi-san, the Shinsengumi's collective bitch.

Shin: You ended up losing your position in the process!

Hijikata: Still, I never thought I'd have the opportunity to work with you.

Hijikata: It's making me blush.

Shin: Could you please stop being so creepy?

Hijikata: How are Gin-san and Kagura-chan doing?

Hijikata: They should have tagged along.

Hijikata: It's been pretty lonely without Kondo-san around.

Shin: Hijikata!

Shin: Enough already!

Shin: How can you call yourself Hijikata?!

Shin: How?!

Shin: I don't believe this...

Shin: The Shinsengumi has seen a complete overhaul...

Shin: Wait.

Shin: That means...

Caption: [Shinsengumi Station]

A: The Shinsengumi Kaiser!

A: Seig heil, Herr Okita de Sade Sogo III!

All: Kaiser!

All: Kaiser!

All: Kaiser!

Shin: He's been promoted way past the rank of commander...

Okita: Silence, gentlemen.

Okita: Two years have passed since the formation of the Holy Shinsengumi Empire.

Shin: Empire?!

Shin: This is an empire?!

Okita: Thanks to your efforts, the empire has been able to extend its influence.

Okita: We now control over half of Edo.

Shin: You don't sound like the police anymore!

Okita: It won't be long before the day comes when we slaughter the g*n and hoist the flag of our empire...

Okita: ...over Edo Castle!

Shin: That would make you Joi!

Shin: That would make you t*rrorists now!

Okita: However, we must first take control of a certain area before we can begin our crusade.

Okita: An impregnable town of steel...

Okita: A lawless place for the ruffians of Edo to gather...

Okita: The Kabuki district!

Caption: [Kabuki District  st Street]

Okita: If we don't secure this town before launching our att*ck on Edo Castle,

Okita: it will come back to haunt us.

Okita: But worry not!

Okita: Every stronghold has a weakness!

Okita: And I now have the means to exploit that weakness.

Okita: We have taken a friend of g*n Sakata, the fearless general of the Kabuki district...

Okita: ...as a hostage!

Okita: The town of steel will fall quickly now.

Shin: Hold on!

Shin: Who is this fearless general?!

Shin: Are you trying to crush Odd Jobs?!

Okita: I will eliminate anyone who stands in the way of my ambition.

Shin: Your ambition?!

Shin: When did you join the camp of cliche Edo dominating megalomaniacs, Jerkaiser!

Okita: Hey, that was uncalled for.

Okita: At the very least, you should address me as Jerk of a Kaiser.

Okita: I get annoyed when people combine words.

Okita: Normally, I would have you ex*cuted, but I'll spare your life since you have use as a hostage.

Okita: Hijikata, take him away.

Hijikata: Yes, Jerkaiser!

Okita: Yamazaki, smack him.

Yama: Yes, Jerkaiser!

Okita: Why is this catching on?

Okita: Someone, execute everyone besides the hostage.

All: Yes, Jerkaiser!

Okita: Fine, have it your way.

Okita: Starting tomorrow, I'll change my title to Jerkaiser.

Okita: But make the "Jer" inaudible.

Shin: Damn it...

Shin: What's going on?

Shin: Why is this happening?

Shin: I'm sick of this world...

Shin: Nobody I know is here...

Hijikata: Stop sniffling, you wimp.

Hijikata: I finally found someone normal,

Hijikata: but you don't look like you'll be much help.

Shin: Hi-Hijikata-san?

Shin: Are you...

Hijikata: Yeah...

Hijikata: I was also left behind two years, just like you.

Tamo: Here is this week's spotlight.

N: This week's spotlight came in third on the sales chart.

N: The third single from singer-songwriter MADAO-san.

N: The God of Cardboard!

Tamo: This is quite a surprise.

Tamo: Another top-seller?

Caption: [Beer is Best]

Tamo: Did you cut your hair?

Madao: Actually, I grew it out.

N: MADAO-san got the inspiration for this song from the sound of

Caption: [How MADAO got his break]

Caption: [Reenactment]

: tearing apart cardboard when he was living on the streets.

N: He performed many concerts on the street before achieving his current popularity.

Tamo: So how does it feel to go from living on the streets to cutting your hair?

Madao: Uh, I didn't cut my hair.

Madao: I grew it out.

N: Ah, we're running out of time, so please get on stage.

N: Here's MADAO-san with "I Cut My Hair."

Madao: I said I didn't cut my hair!

Madao: Do you want me to cut my hair?!

Madao: Do I look bad with long hair?!

Shin: What's going on?

Hijikata: That's what I want to know.

Hijikata: I went back to the station after the one year break, and everything was different.

Hijikata: As though everyone else had spent the past two years without me...

Shin: But why...

Shin: Why did you pretend to be different?

Hijikata: Because I thought that I was the one who was crazy.

Hijikata: Wouldn't you?

Hijikata: Every other person had changed.

Hijikata: I was the exception.

Hijikata: Given the situation, what else could I do but laugh?

Caption: [Please wait one moment.]

Hijikata: But I guess I couldn't handle it.

Yamazaki: D-Damn you, Hijikata!

Yamazaki: You think you're gonna get away with this, an?

Shin: Hijikata-san...

Shin: Did we travel through time?

Shin: We're the only ones stuck in a completely different world.

Hijikata: Why did this happen to us?

Shin: Maybe we're being punished...

Shin: Hijikata-san...

Shin: To be honest, I've been...

Shin: ...slacking off on playing the straight man.

Shin: I was always exhausted after dealing with the onslaught of funny men.

Shin: Despite all the work, I wasn't very popular.

Shin: And there wasn't much merchandise featuring me.

Shin: I had to wonder if playing a funny man paid better dividends...

Shin: So while they were airing reruns for the past year,

Caption: [Yorinuki Gintama-san]

Shin: I kicked back and completely forgot about playing the straight man.

Caption: [Otsuu Plus]

Shin: But while I was doing nothing,

Shin: everyone else found something to do and build on.

Shin: They were moving forward.

Shin: That's why I was left behind...

Shin: I'm guessing that you know what I'm talking about.

Shin: You were the only normal person in the Shinsengumi.

Shin: You were also in the straight man position.

Shin: But then you added that funny man persona, Tosshi...

Hijikata: That was because of the sword...

Shin: ...and engaged in bizarre behavior involving mayonnaise.

Hijikata: I just happen to like mayonnaise!

Shin: Then how do you explain the smiling act?

Shin: You just wanted to play a funny man, didn't you?

Hijikata: Enough.

Shin: Can you honestly say that you weren't trying to enjoy yourself?

Hijikata: I said enough already, damn it!

Shin: I'm sorry.

Shin: I shouldn't have said that.

Hijikata: Nah, I shouldn't have snapped at you.

Hijikata: Just forget it.

Hijikata: If the world was twisted into its current state by an oversaturation of funny men

Hijikata: because the two of us stopped playing straight men,

Hijikata: we don't have any right to gripe about it.

Hijikata: Yeah...

Both: We have to live in this world...

Both: ...as punishment.

Hijikata: I'm heading back...

Hijikata: ...to the Holy Shinsengumi Empire.

Hijikata: I'll try to stop the kaiser...

Hijikata: ...from attacking Odd Jobs.

Hijikata: That's not going to help anything.

Shin: I see...

Shin: I plan on working at Odd Jobs.

Shin: Gin-san may look like Yamcha

Shin: and Kagura may be bigger than me,

Shin: but Odd Jobs is still the same place.

Shin: Good luck playing the straight man.

Hijikata: Same to you.

Shin: Not that it's going to change anything...

Kusano: Now, we have a breaking news update.

Kusano: The mysterious wart outbreak is continuing to spread throughout Edo.

Kusano: Medical scientists have finally determined the source of this malady.

Kusano: The warts, which attach themselves to organisms and absorb their life energy

Kusano: before eventually taking over the host body,

Kusano: have been identified as parasitic aliens known as Q'Sai Nettles.

Kusano: First, the aliens transform into the figure on your left

Kusano: and assimilate information from the host.

Kusano: Eventually, it transforms into something completely identical to the host.

Kusano: The alien supplants the host

Kusano: and matures the appearance of the host by two years after a few days.

Kusano: It should be noted that these aliens are attracted to ambition.

Kusano: People with more ambition have a higher chance of being infected,

Kusano: and the aliens will evolve according to that ambition.

Kusano: Do you know anyone who's gone through a sudden change and talked about two years passing?

Kusano: It's possible that they've been infected by Q'Sai Nettles.

Kusano: First, you should check if the comatose original is hanging from the body.

Kusano: Then use something like a paper fan to smack the Q'Sai Nettle as hard as you can.

Kusano: Your friends have not changed!

Kusano: Two years haven't passed!

Kusano: The world before you is...

Kusano: ...a world with warts!

B: Oh? Kusano-san?

B: There's something hanging from your head...

B: Is that...

Kusano: Huh?

Shin: So wait.

Shin: What?

Shin: In other words...

Shin: They're all Wartiharu?!

Shin: Yamcha Gin-san is just a Yamcha wart!

Shin: The grown-up Kagura-chan is just a wart with two big warts!

Shin: The gorilla couple is two warts making a wart baby!

Hijikata: Ambition, huh?

Hijikata: Ironic.

Hijikata: We weren't infected because we were slacking off.

Hijikata: And now, we're the only ones who can save them!

Shin: I know exactly what I need to do now!

Hijikata: We're gonna paper fan this twisted wartiworld!

Shin: And take back our world!

Kagura: Shinpachi!

Kagura: Where did you go?

Kagura: I was looking everywhere for you!

Shin: Ka-Kagura-san?!

Kagura: You dummy!

Kagura: I was so worried!

Hijikata: Hey!

Hijikata: Smack her with the fan!

Hijikata: That's just the wart!

Shin: Ka-Kagura-san!

Shin: It's not fair to press that body up against me!

Kagura: I was so lonely.

Kagura: An Odd Jobs without you is like you without glasses.

Shin: Doesn't that mean you only need my glasses?!

Kagura: Shinpachi...

Shin: Is this really a wart?!

Shin: This cute girl...

Shin: Wait, does it even matter if she's a wart...

Hijikata: Don't be fooled!

Hijikata: Kaiser Okita de Sade Sogo III!

Okita: Hi-Hijikata-san...

Okita: I don't want to see you h*t a woman...

Kagura: Hey!

Kagura: Hang on, Jerkaiser!

Okita: Huh? How?

Okita: A-After Kondo-san left,

Okita: I devoted my life to making the force bigger...

Okita: I didn't hesitate to commit atrocities for the sake of protecting the Shinsengumi...

Okita: But Hijikata-san...

Okita: If I let you get your hands dirty,

Okita: the Shinsengumi will just be a g*ng of thugs.

Shin: Hijikata-san?!

Shin: Don't be fooled!

Shin: That's a wart! Just a wart!

Okita: I-I wanted...

Okita: ...to have another bowl of mayonnaise with you...

Shin: That never happened!

Shin: You said it was dog food!

Shin: Stop lying!

Hijikata: Sogo! Get a hold of yourself!

Shin: Uh, that's not going to help!

Shin: You're the one who needs to get a hold of yourself!

Shin: Didn't we establish that he's just a wart?!

Shin: Move!

Shin: I'll finish it off!

Otae: Stop, Shin-chan!

Otae: A samurai would never att*ck a dying man!

Shin: S-Sis!

Shin: And she already gave birth!

Otae: How could you be so cruel?

Otae: What am I supposed to tell this child?

Hijikata: Don't be fooled!

Hijikata: She's not your sister!

Hijikata: She's just a wart!

Shin: You have no right to say that!

Shin: Fine!

Shin: I won't let you use my sister's face to play wife to the gorilla...

Shin: ...any longer!

Otae: Stop!

Otae: You've got it wrong!

Otae: The father of my child is actually...

Otae: Look at the hair!

Shin: What are you doing?!

Hijikata: Th-That hair...

Hijikata: That V-shaped hair is...?

Shin: Of course not!

Shin: How could the two of you have a kid when you barely even know each other?!

Otae: Forgive me, Toshi-san.

Otae: I couldn't hide my true feelings.

Otae: Even after pretending to be married to Isao-san...

Shin: Wait a sec!

Shin: My sister's turned into one hell of a slutty bitch?!

Otae: Please!

Otae: Take us away!

Otae: To a world without gorillas!

Shin: Hijikata-san!

Shin: Don't be fooled!

Shin: You don't have a kid!

Hijikata: You thought you could fool me with such a cheap trick?

Hijikata: Give me the kid and scram.

Hijikata: I'll look after it.

Shin: You've been completely fooled!

Hijikata: Hey, can you spare the kid?

Hijikata: Let me raise Togoro!

Shin: Calm down!

Shin: Who the hell is Togoro?!

Kondo: Oh? His name is Togoro?

Kondo: What an adorable child.

Kondo: Would you mind letting me hold him?

Hijikata: Oh, he's a newborn, so you'll need to support his head.

Kondo: My, such an adorable child.

Kondo: His mother and father must be lovely.

Kondo: But he's not as adorable as my little girl.

Kondo: Isn't that right,

Kondo: Isako-chan?

Shin: Kondo-san!

Shin: You've lost your mind!

Shin: You've completely lost your mind!

Kondo: I won't let you have your happiness!

Kondo: You're all!

Kondo: You're all...

Kondo: ...headed straight down misery lane!

Hijikata: T-Togoro!

Shin: You can no longer be a straight man!

Shin: You've been completely fooled!

Kondo: Don't come any closer!

Kondo: I'll jump off with the child!

Hijikata: Calm down, Kondo-san!

Hijikata: Let's not be hasty!

Shin: You're the one who needs to calm down!

Shin: We're supposed to be smacking down warts!

Shin: Why are you stopping a wart from k*lling itself?!

Hijikata: The child has done nothing wrong.

Hijikata: You should blame...

Hijikata: ...Otae and me!

Shin: Blame your poor excuse for a brain!

Hijikata: k*ll me instead!

Hijikata: Please...

Hijikata: Spare Togoro!

Shin: Why are you giving up your life for a wart?!

Katsura: To protect your child with your life...

Katsura: Isn't thats how a true parent would behave?

Katsura: Yet look at you.

Katsura: You intend to die by yourself and leave us behind?

Kondo: Wh-Who are you?

Katsura: How cruel...

Katsura: You don't remember who comforted you at the bar after your wife ran out on you?

Kondo: A-Are you...

Kondo: From the bar...

Kondo: From the bar!

Kondo: Zurako-san!

Shin: How?!

Shin: How did you give birth?!

Katsura: You are a father now!

Katsura: So for her sake, for my sake...

Katsura: You must live!

Shin: Aren't the two of you enemies?!

Katsura: Look, it's your father,

Katsura: Gorillina.

Shin: He can't be the father!

Shin: That's an actual gorilla there!

Kyubei: Oh, her name is Gorillina?

Kyubei: Such an adorable child.

Kyubei: Would you mind letting me hold her?

Katsura: Oh, she's a newborn, so her banana hasn't been peeled yet.

Shin: No shit!

Kyubei: My, such an adorable child.

Kondo: But she's not as adorable as my little girl.

Shin: Kyubei-san?!

Kondo: Isn't that right,

Kondo: Willina?

Shin: The hell are you raising?!

Shin: You've lost more than your mind!

Kyubei: I don't need a wife or husband!

Kyubei: I have become the ultimate creature who can be both mother and father!

Kyubei: Have no fear!

Kyubei: I will make these children happy!

Hijikata: Togoro!

Kondo: Gorillina!

Katsura: Willina!

Shin: Damn it!

Shin: Cut this shit out!

Shin: I knew something was wrong.

Shin: Hijikata-san was also infected by a wart.

Shin: Warts that are attracted to ambition...

Shin: This was one hellish nightmare,

Shin: but I learned a valuable lesson.

Shin: The show is finally back on the air.

Shin: I need to stay focused

Shin: and aim as high as I can every week.

Shin: Okay!

Shin: It's all over!

Shin: Starting next week, I'll need to get to work!

Shin: Let's do this!

Gin: No, it's not over yet.

Shin: Huh?

Gin: You're also a wart, Shinpachi.

Shin: What?!

Gin: Man, I was worried.

Gin: Everyone looked different when the show came back on air.

Gin: I had a hard time keeping up with everyone.

Gin: Why was I the only one left out?

Gin: Get a clue, you alien warts.

Gin: But at this rate, it's going to get messy when we catch up to the manga and go on another break.

Gin: These people are actually going to train themselves next time.

Gin: Can't help it.

Gin: When that happens...

Gin: I'll go with this.

Caption: [The End]

Caption: [Next Episode]

Gin: Isn't it a little late for New Year cards?

Gin: And why did everyone send one?!

Gin: What a pain in the ass!

Gin: So next time:

EpTitle: [Use a Calligraphy Pen for New Year Cards]

Gin: Use a calligraphy pen for New Year cards!

Gin: Plus another one that's a little late.

 [The Heart Comes Before Chocolate]
{"type": "series", "show": "Gintama", "episode": "05x02 - Everyone Looks Pretty Grown Up After Summer Break"}