[Open on a fancy restaurant. Warren and Paula are at a table, eating.]

Warren: The risotto’s not bad, but it’s not what Chef Zane did back a Fortunato. He replaced the rosemary with saffron, for one thing. And what is this stock? Did he get it. out of a can. [There’s a slight thudding sound and Warren looks back over his left shoulder.]

Paula: My fish isn’t bad.

Warren: But it’s not great either, I’m sure. I warned you against the snapper.

[Another thud as a dinner roll hits Warren in the back. As he looks around, Scott, at the next table, hands the bread basket to Annie.]

Annie: Do you think it’ll calm down?

Scott: God, I hope so. That guy is a bit of a blowhard, though, isn’t he? The food’s not spicy at all. You can barely taste it.

Annie: Mine’s pretty spicy. Try it.

Scott: [swallowing a bite of Annie’s main course] I don’t taste anything.

]Warren comes to the table/]

Warren: You been throwing rolls at me?

Scott: [clearing his throat] Uh… It wasn’t me.

Annie: Uh, really. He didn’t.

Scott: I’m sorry that someone would choose to behave that way. Really, I… Yeah.

[Scott stands and shakes hands with Warren. With his left hand, he grabs his water glass from the table and throws it at Warren’s crotch.

Scott (continues): I’m so sorry. Really, really, really sorry! [Warren grabs him] No, no, no, I swear I… [He begins to have some sort of seizure] It’s… not… me.

[Warren ends up supporting Scott by holding his shirtfront as Scott falls to the floor. There is a stream of blood on his face, originating from his left eye.]

[Opening Credits]

[Cut to House’s bedroom. House stretches and rolls onto his back. He’s not wearing his usual t-shirt. He turns and looks at the far side of the bed and sits up. After a moment, he smiles.]

[Cut to House in the hallway, wearing an old flannel bathrobe. He doesn’t have his cane and he takes a couple of lurching steps.]

[Cut to House’s bathroom. He looks in the mirror and touches a red smear on his left cheek, then runs his fingers across his lips. He smiles again. He looks down and sees a lipstick on the toilet t*nk. He picks it up, reads the bottom of the tube, uncaps it and twists it open, still smiling.]

[Cut to PPTH Emergency Room. Taub is checking out a file with Cameron.]

Taub: Bloody tears could just mean subconjuctival hemorrhage. He sneezed too hard from a cold, which caused his lack of taste. House isn’t gonna care. Does “black tie optional” really mean black tie? Cause I don’t wanna rent…

Cameron: There’s been a glitch with the wedding. And House will be interested.

Taub: A glitch?

Cameron: Patient had his corpus callosum cut to correct a seizure issue.

Taub: A glitch?

Cameron: The seizures stopped after the surgery, but he’s having trouble adjusting to a split brain.

Taub: A glitch?

Cameron: [entering the bay where Scott and Annie are] This is Dr. Taub. Tell him about shopping.

Scott: Uh, I go into a grocery store. Everything seems normal. I get to the checkout and there’s all these extra items in the cart. Stuff I didn’t put there. Stuff that I hate. My left hand hates me. [He uses his right hand to stop the left one from removing the blood pressure cuff.]

Taub: Yeah. I think House’ll be interested.

[Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room. House is heard, singing.]

House: Clang, clang, clang went the trolley. Ding, ding ding hmm hmm hmm. Just warning you — I’m in a good mood. And largely pain free. So I have no idea how things are going —

Taub: Alien hand syndrome.

House: Set off by a stroke? Or is there a pony in the backyard?

Taub: Split brain. Right hemisphere controls the left and —

House: Is making life miserable. Non-logical thinkers often do.

Thirteen: Current issue isn’t the split brain. The surgery corrected —

Foreman: You’re dissing the right hemisphere?

House: Most people who have this operation don’t even notice they’re missing anything. Left brain has language, arithmetic, rationality. Right brain is a mute loser.

Taub: Right brain is more aesthetically oriented. Has greater facial recognition. I couldn’t have been a plastic surgeon without it.

House: Yes. And where would junior high be without our ability to judge people on aesthetics?

Foreman: Right brain’s also more aware of the present moment, our place in the universe.

House: It’s a universal daisy chain of peace and love that throws buns at people.

Thirteen: His present symptoms could mean autoimmune disease, nasolacrimal tumor, an infection or just a cold.

[Cuddy enters.]

House: Good morning, sunshine. We got a brand new toy. You wanna play?

Cuddy: We need to talk.

House: Great. I love euphemisms. By euphemism I mean when you say something and it means something else. [He closes the file and drops it on the table before following Cuddy to his office.] Begin eliminating. Search the home.

[Cut to House’s office.]

House: The, uh… [He gestures at her high-necked blouse.] Isn’t that like locking the barn door after the horse has put his face between your breasts for an hour and a half?

Cuddy: I’m your boss. You’re an employee.

House: Well, I’m not normally into role-playing, but if you wanna… [He approaches her. She backs up slightly.]

Cuddy: People who get close to you get hurt. That’s a fact. You’re also a valued doctor in this hospital. That’s another fact. From now on, we’re gonna focus on the second fact.

House: So this isn’t you freaking out over last night.

Cuddy: This isn’t an emotional decision. I’m just giving you the rules. You can either accept them or leave.

[She leaves. He looks down at the lipstick, which he has in his hand, smiles slightly, tosses the lipstick in the air and catches it.]

[Cut to Wilson’s office. House walks in. Wilson looks up briefly as House sits.]

House: I slept with Cuddy. After she helped me detox from Vicodin. I’ve been clean for almost 24 hours now. [Wilson stares at him. House waits a moment.] Okay. Thought I’d mention it. [He gets up to leave.]

Wilson: Wow. [pause] Wow. One for each.

House: That’s what she said. A ha ha ha.

Wilson: How’s the pain?

House: She’s probably got some bruising…

Wilson: Yeah. I get it. You’re a stud. This is serious, House.

House: I feel better than I did four hours ago. Four hours from now, I’ll feel better than this.

Wilson: The other wow. You were sober. She was sober?

House: Clean and sober and hot.

Wilson: Wow. This is fantastic. How are you gonna screw it up?

House: Several good options. Unfortunately I don’t think she’s gonna give me the pleasure. She left before I woke up, and five minutes ago she told me that I’m just an employee.

Wilson: Ha.

House: Yes.

Wilson: Well, either she’s actually in love with you and scared, or she realized last night was a gigantic mistake. You were needy and vulnerable. She was maternal.

House: You think she jumped me out of pity?

Wilson: No, I’m saying whatever’s going on you… need to talk to her.

House: Absolutely. [He leaves]

[Cut to Scott’s apartment. Thirteen and Taub are searching.]

Thirteen: Does our patient freak you out a little?

Taub: No.

Thirteen: If he’s two people, then we’re all two people, and we just don’t know it. What does that say about identity?

Taub: It says we’re making it up as we go along, which I find freeing. Wow, I haven’t been in a bathroom this size since my dorm in med school. [He looks up] Is that fungus?

Thirteen: It’s from the steam build-up. [She stands on the toilet seat to take a sample.]

Taub: What do you think of this ‘glitch’ with Chase and Cameron’s wedding?

Thirteen: It’s always a sad thing when sperm comes between people.

[Cut to the cafeteria. Chase is getting his lunch. Taub comes up behind him.]

Taub: I hear the sperm is very good today. I mean the salmon.

[Chase takes his tray and sits at one of the tables in the nearly empty cafeteria. Taub joins him.]

Chase: Go away.

Taub: No other tables.

Chase: You’d let your wife keep another man’s offspring on ice next to the frozen peas, just in case? That’s what this is about. She’s not ready to commit to me. She’s planning for failure.

Taub: Did you know that male fruit flies have toxic chemicals in their seminal fluid that inhibit the sperm of other males. [Chase picks up his tray and leaves.]

[Cut to Cuddy’s office. House is behind her desk, checking out a camera. Cuddy enters.]

House: Wilson says we need to talk.

Cuddy: We talked.

House: I agree. [He takes her picture.] This has clearly gotten past the talking stage. [He leaves, pivoting by the door to take two more pictures.]

Cuddy: What?

[Cut to Scott’s room. Annie enters, carrying stuff.]

Scott: Hi. Great. Did you find my MP3?

Annie: Uh, not yet. But I got your shaving stuff, toothpaste, deodorant, some magazines and this cactus from your window.

Scott: You didn’t have to do that, really. The hospital supplies all that stuff.

Annie: I’m still trying to hard, huh? Trying to get your other half to like me.

Scott: No, no, no, no. Don’t say that, okay? I like you. Which means that it — [His left hand picks up a red can and hurls it against the wall as Thirteen enters.] We shouldn’t read into that.

Thirteen: Antifungal meds. Ordinarily we’d put them in you’re IV but since your right brain doesn’t seem to fond of IVs… You should be feeling better in a few days.

Annie: I have to get back to work. Rick says your shift will be waiting for you when you get back.

Scott: Thanks. [[As she starts to lean in to him, his left hand slaps her across the face, very hard.] Oh! Oh my God! God, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry.

Annie: I have to go. I have to get back to work.

Scott: Babe, wait. Hold on! No, it wasn’t me. [He starts to get out of bed to follow her and falls on the floor.] I can’t walk.

[Cut to House’s office. House is leaning back in his chair, rolling the lipstick tube over the backs of his fingers like a magician with a coin. He’s looking out the window while his staff discusses the case in the conference room.]

Taub: Well, obviously it wasn’t the fungus.

Thirteen: And it’s not a coordination issue. Dehydration can cause loss of balance. We haven’t had him on IV.

Foreman: No, good skin turgor. Not orthostatic.

House: Could be our tax dollars at work, constantly building new roadways and bridges. [He puts the lipstick in his jacket pocket.] A meningioma. Slow growing. Could extend along the subosteal layer of the cranial cavity and be hidden by the bone.

Thirteen: The cancer cells are actually re-growing a connection between the left and right hemispheres.

Foreman: If you’re right, the two halves have g*n sending messages again, but it’s too early in the process for him to pick up on it. But, we can test for it.

[Cut to Wilson’s office. House tosses 2 thermal pictures of Cuddy on the desk.]

House: Proof.

Wilson: You didn’t talk to her, did you?

House: If I talked, she’d have lied. I’d have lied. And though two negatives make a positive, I thought thermal-imaging photos seemed simpler. Note how many more heated areas appear after less than a minute with me.

Wilson: So it’s either love or possibly rage.

House: Don’t talk to her.

Wilson: I have no plans to talk to her.

House: Manipulation is in your genetic code. You think I’m making a mistake, you move in to correct it.

Wilson: You are making a mistake.

House: She lied to me. Either last night or today. I need to find out which and why.

Wilson: And clearly, thermal imaging is the way. This isn’t a case. You’re not looking for a diagnosis. If this matters at all to you, please, for once in your life, be an adult.

[Cut to a test area. Foreman, Taub and Thirteen are in an observation room. Scott sits, facing three large computer screens.]

Foreman: Keep your eyes focused on the plus sign. Any image that appears on the far right will only be seen by your left brain. And any image on your far left will only be seen by your right brain.

Scott: Okay.

Foreman: Just start by saying the words.

Scott: Book. Giraffe. Willow. Fortunate. [The first four words were on the screen on the right. “Candle” appears on the left screen.]

Foreman: You’re not saying the word.

Scott: I didn’t see a word.

Foreman: Could you draw a picture of what you think the word might be.

Scott: Uh. Look. I didn’t see… [He draws a picture of a candle. His picture appears on the center screen.] Candle.

Taub: This is so cool.

Thirteen: Yeah, that’s not freaky at all.

[House enters.]

Foreman: No communication.

House: So far.

[The left screen has “stand up” on it. Scott stands.]

Foreman: Scott, why are you standing?

Scott: Uh… I’m a little chilly. I thought I’d get a sweater or something from my room. Is that okay?

Foreman: A few more minutes.

House: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the left hemisphere… The side that’s obsessed with finding answers. The one that needs things to make sense. The interpreter. That’s where we tell the story of who we are and why we do things.

Taub: That’s also the side that was wrong. Right brains advantage is that it isn’t logical. Doesn’t choose which details to look at. Makes connections you could never see. You owe your insight to the “mute loser.”

House: I’ll send it tickets to a Phillies game.

Thirteen: Confabulation means no communication. Means your theory’s wrong.

[Scott is wrapping his arms around himself and is rubbing his side.]

House: But he is cold. [He leaves the observation area and goes to Scott.] Why are you scratching?

Scott: It itches.

House: Ammonia breath. [He opens Scott’s gown.] Your liver is failing.

[Cut to Cuddy’s office. She’s drinking coffee from a white cardboard cup while Wilson goes over a proposal with her.]

Wilson: I know for them to approve this price they’ll need statistical documentation. What? Why are you looking at me?

Cuddy: When you first walked in, I was under the impression you wanted to say something else.

Wilson: Nope.

Cuddy: About House and me.

Wilson: There’s nothing to talk about.

House: [enters, also drinking coffee] I want permission to do a liver biopsy. We’re looking for sarcoidosis.

Cuddy: Fine. [She puts her coffee cup on the desk]

House: What do you mean, fine?

Cuddy: What do you mean, what do I mean? Do you meant that because a liver biopsy is not a test that, by any stretch of the imagination, can be considered risky, so asking my permission is essentially wasting my time, and you’re wondering what my reaction to that will be?

House: Yes. [He puts his coffee cup on the desk]

Cuddy: Are you trying to make me angry?

House: Yes.

Cuddy: Do your biopsy. And also do your clinic hours.

House: I’m bl*wing off my clinic hours.

Cuddy: Really? Let’s see how that goes. [Wilson looks at them both. Cuddy is calm and smiling slightly.] Still not angry. Try again later.

[House takes Cuddy’s coffee and leaves.]

[Cut to Scott’s room. Thirteen and Taub are there. Thirteen is doing an ultrasound on his abdomen.]

Scott: Uh, sorry. I know I’m a little ripe. Just a sweaty guy.

Thirteen: Recently?

Scott: Always. [His left hand pushes the transducer away.] With a crazy left hand. Sometimes I fantasize about cutting it off. Just a fantasy. It’s the hand that’s crazy, not me.

[It shoves the transducer away again. He restrains it with his right hand. Thirteen looks at Taub who has a large syringe in his hand.]

Taub: What? If it doesn’t like an ultrasound wand, how’s it going to react to a needle?

Scott: Can you get music into this room?

[Cut to House and Wilson walking down the hall.]

Wilson: I think you’re using your relationship with Cuddy as a replacement for drugs. You should be in more pain so soon into detoxing, but your body’s full of romantic endorphins. And on top of that, you create this distraction of looking for proof.

House: Think I should stop and let the pain flood back?

Wilson: Cuddy is not a Vicodin substitute.

House: Quite the opposite.

Wilson: You have to wait for her to be ready.

House: Great advice. You pretend that I’m gonna do that.

Wilson: You’ve made two major changes in your life. Not a time anyone’s judgment is at it’s best.

House: Didn’t you use to argue that my judgment would be better off drugs? Admit it. You’re curious why I want to make her angry.

Wilson: I’m sure it’s convoluted, wrong and stupid.

House: You’re dying to know what I found in her coffee cup.

Wilson: No.

House: Oxytocin. [He goes into his office, followed by Wilson.]

Wilson: Oxytocin. The chemical involved in emotional bonding.

House: Her lips say “no,” her hormones say “Oh, my God, yes. More!”

Wilson: No. For you to know her levels were elevated, you’d need a baseline to compare them with.

House: I paid the guy in the gym to retrieve one of her water bottles from the trash.

Wilson: Love inspires us to greatness.

House: So, I need to make her lose her temper. Which breaks her delusion. Which demonstrates to me and to her that there’s something underneath this facade.

Wilson: And then what happens? She admits everything and falls into your arms?

House: That’s outcome one. Outcome two is she kills me. I think it’s 50/50 right now.

Wilson: Great.

House: I thought you’d say that.

Wilson: You’re committing yourself to something. To someone. I mean it’s childish in a way but ultimately great. Assuming… Are you absolutely sure you want this to succeed?

House: Why is an old guy standing in my doorway?

[The old guy enters and shakes Wilson’s hand, then House’s.]

Eugene: Eugene Schwartz. Eugene Schwartz. Dr. Cuddy asked me to come up here from the clinic. She says you’re seeing patients in your office. It’s still free, though, isn’t it?

House: She sent him. That’s gotta mean something.

Wilson: I’ll go get my decoder ring. [He leaves]

Eugene: I squawk. Like a parrot. [pause] Cawwww. No. That’s not it. It started a few months ago. I was doing some woodworking in my garage. I was trying to make a chair. Was it the chair? Anyway, all of a sudden, from nowhere, this strange noise comes bursting out of my mouth. Caw, caw. [He shakes his head] Tough to fake that.

House: Nice pants. [He gets up to leave, Eugene follows him.]

Eugene: My wife, Mona, thinks I’m busting her chops. It’s ruining my marriage. Where are we going?

[Cut to Scott’s room. He’s playing air guitar to China Grove.]

Taub: So, your left hand would rather play air guitar than give me a hard time?

Scott: It’d rather play air guitar than tie shoes, eat dinner…

Thirteen: You’re right hand’s playing too.

Scott: I don’t wanna discourage it.

[Thirteen looks at his hands as he plays.]

Thirteen: Splinter hemorrhages under his fingernails.

Scott: What’s that? [He suddenly sits up and vomits blood off the far side of the bed.]

Taub: BP and O2 sats are dropping!

Thirteen: Need a bag of B-negative in here!

[Cut to doctors’ locker room.]

Taub: So much for sarcoidosis.

Foreman: Points to a clotting issue. Clots would explain all his symptoms. Why aren’t we in the office?

House: I’m tired of clinic duty. There’s only one thing that could cause squawking, right?

Thirteen: Yeah. We gave him heparin and did an echo of his heart to see if it was throwing clots, but —

House: More air guitar?

Taub: The heart’s fine. We wanted to test for Factor V Leiden, Protein C, Protein S but the hand got tired of cooperating. We finally knocked him out.

House: And all the tests came up negative anyway, or you would have opened by telling me your brilliant diagnosis.

Thirteen: He apologized for being sweaty, said it had always been an issue but what if it’s a symptom? There are cancers that can cause night sweats and can lead to clots — lymphoma…

House: Or pancreatic cancer. Go scan his pancreas. And try Led Zeppelin.

[Cut to Cuddy’s office. She is talking to a gay couple in their 30s.]

Man A: We’ve always remembered what this hospital did for Leo when his appendix burst.

Cuddy: Still, a check this size…

[The door opens.]

Eugene: Sorry to interrupt. Here’s my poo. [He puts a brown paper lunch bag on the table.] Dr. House said to bring it over and leave it with you as soon as I could. I don’t know if you people have an official term for it —

Cuddy: Stool sample.

Eugene: Ah, yes.

Cuddy: Thank you. I’ll take care of it.

Eugene: It’s hard to rush these things. Even if you’ve eaten a lot of broccoli.

[Cut to Scott’s room. He’s dressed and is putting things in a bag.]

Taub: Where are you going?

Scott: Annie called. She’s not coming back.

Thirteen: This is not the best time.

Scott: Look, you said the heparin would keep new clots from forming.

Thirteen: Maybe. But something’s obviously causing the clots.

Taub: If you have pancreatic cancer —

Thirteen: We’re not trying to scare you, but even in its early stages the fatality rate…

Taub: You walk out of here —

Scott: Stop! [His left hand throws a red can against the window.] Look, I’d ask you to put yourself in my place, but nobody can put themselves in my place. Did she find somebody new? Was I not being attentive enough? No. She’s just tired of being insulted by a limb. She said that my feelings toward her were mixed. [His left hand starts unbuttoning his shirt.] Well, my feelings aren’t mixed.

Taub: You’re not going anywhere unless you wanna go naked. [Scott grabs his left hand as it starts taking off his shirt.] Your right brain knows you need to stay.

Scott: My right brain’s an ass. [He sighs.]

[Cut to House’s office. He’s leaning on his desk, staring at the coffee cup. Cameron enters.]

Cameron: Got a minute?

House: There’s something wrong with this cup.

Cameron: I need someone to bounce ideas off of. Someone to be my whiteboard. That’s how you taught me to work. I have three choices. First, I can accept it’s over, pretend we don’t work in the same hospital, have selective visual impairment when we pass each other in the hall. Second, I can accept it’s over and leave —

House: Or you could try making him angry. Standard choice number three.

Cameron: Third, I can talk to him. But it’s not like I have any new fact that I can present and Chase has this romantic view of love that reality can’t compete with.

House: I know how you could succeed.

Cameron: How?

House: Just say the magic words: “I will destroy my husband’s sperm.” [She gives him a look.] Oh, you mean succeed without doing that. Probably not.

Cameron: I have doubts. Normal doubts. It’s not wrong to prepare for bad things to happen even if you don’t expect them to. I don’t expect my condo to burn down, but I have f*re insurance.

Taub: [enters] Patient’s girlfriend left him, now he wants to leave us.

House: [on his way out the door] If your condo rules don’t let you buy insurance, would you go homeless?

[Cut to the hallway. Taub points down one corridor.]

Taub: His room is this way.

House: What, do you think I can fix this? We need to offer this guy something he can only get if he stays in the hospital — relationship counseling.

Taub: I don’t know if his girlfriend’s —

House: I mean his two hemispheres. That’s the breakfast of relationships — the most important one of the day. [He opens the door to Wilson’s office.] We need your special skills.

[Cut to MRI. Scott is in the machine, the others are in the observation room.]

Scott: Uh, is the guy out there? The guy that’s gonna make my right brain work?

Wilson: Oh, for… [turns on microphone] What do you think your right brain wants?

Scott: How should I know? It’s crazy. It does things I would never do.

Taub: Duct of Wirsung‘s slightly enlarged but within normal parameters.

House: Say something.

Wilson: It’s mute. It can’t communicate with you. Maybe you should try communicating with it.

House: “Talk to her.” The well isn’t deep, is it?

Wilson: You’re the dominant half. You make all the decisions. The right side has no control over anything. It must be… frustrating.

Taub: No masses in body or tail segments.

Scott: I can’t communicate with it. That’s the whole —

Wilson: When you decide to go and get groceries, what do you do?

Scott: What do you mean? I put on my jacket and I go to the store.

Wilson: Your right brain has no idea why you’re suddenly getting up and putting on your jacket. It just gets dragged along. Next time, try saying it out loud.

Scott: Just say to the empty air “Hey, I think I’ll go to the store because we’re out of peanut butter”? How much did they teach you about people like me when you were learning to be a therapist?

Wilson: I’m an oncologist.

House: Your right brain likes what he’s saying. Hasn’t moved the entire scan.

Taub: Hasn’t gotten us anything, though. Scan’s clean. It’s not pancreatic cancer.

[Cut to the Diagnostics Conference Room]

House: Clotting could be a problem well before a solid tumor forms. It can still be pancreatic.

Taub: Yes, but if you want a diagnosis backed by actual evidence, we should probably look at other cancers.

[House’s cell phone rings. He answers it. Eugene Schwartz is calling from the street.]

House: House.

Eugene: I just squawked.

House: What?

Eugene: Eugene Schwartz, your patient from yesterday. I just squawked. I was buying some flowers for Mona. It happened when I was paying the clerk.

House: I assume Dr. Cuddy gave you this number.

Eugene: Yes! She told me to call you any time I squawked.

House: I’m sorry but I’m about to lose you because I’m about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone. [He hangs up] I might be getting some more phone calls, so let’s make it fast.

Taub: Lymphoma —

House: That’s right, pancreatic. I know it’s pancreatic. I know there’s evidence. I know I’ve seen it. I just can’t —

Taub: Right brain, left brain issues?

House: If the cancer’s too small to find, let’s make it easier. Let’s open him up and paint it. There’s a new procedure using scorpion toxin and infrared paint. Paint only works on the cancer cells. Makes ‘em easier to spot.

Foreman: Just agitating the pancreas can cause clotting. And you want to do it to a guy whose problem is clotting?

House: If I’m right about pancreatic cancer, the only chance he’s got is finding and removing those cancer cells now.

Thirteen: His brain MRI showed narrowing in the blood vessels leading up from the neck. If we do shake something loose, we could k*ll him.

Taub: Or one of him. Clot in his brain could k*ll one of them without affecting the other.

Foreman: He might actually be okay with that.

[Cut to the surgery. There’s a lot of blood.]

Foreman: How long’s it gonna take?

Chase: Assuming he doesn’t crash… a few minutes.

Foreman: Hey. You and Cameron. I’m sorry.

[Chase sees Cameron in the scrub room outside the OR]

Chase: I’ll be right back.

[Cut to the scrub room]

Cameron: I don’t wanna be homeless.

Chase: Okay. You can stay in the condo. I’ll find some other —

Cameron: That’s not what I mean. I wanna marry you. I got the forms to destroy the sperm.

Chase: You sure?

Cameron: Yeah.

Chase: I wanna hug you but then I’d have to rescrub.

Cameron: I know.

Foreman: [yelling from OR] BP’s dropping.

Cameron: Go.

Foreman: No sign of cancer. BP’s 90 over 60.

[Cut to balcony. House is leaning on the railing overlooking the entrance. Wilson joins him.]

Wilson: You never answered my question.

House: Relax. Our friendship is not doomed.

Wilson: Thank God. But my question was do you really want Cuddy or is this just another challenge?

House: You’re worried that once I’m in a relationship, you and me’ll be over.

Wilson: Hey, I’m actually for this. I think this is great. But if you’re serious and you don’t treat it seriously, then you will get hurt. And, if you don’t accept that, then accept that she will get hurt.

[Cut to view from the balcony of the door to the clinic opening. Cuddy comes out with a man wearing a pirate hat, shorts and assorted scarves, clutching the rest of his clothing. She calmly escorts him to the exit.]

Stripper: I was told it was your birthday.

Cuddy: I understand.

[Wilson steps away from the railing so he can’t be seen from the lobby. House moves along the railing to better follow the activity below.]

Stripper: I’m so, so sorry.

Cuddy: I know.

Stripper: Clearly there was a mix-up.

Cuddy: Have a nice day.

House: She look angry?

Wilson: If you’re standing there when she looks up here —

[House watches Cuddy return to her office without looking for him. He has a mini-epiphany.]

House: Oh, no.

[Cut to OR

Foreman: Systolic’s 80.

Chase: Gotta finish this suture before I can get out.

Foreman: Give him a dopamine drip.

House: [on the speaker, from the observation deck] You weren’t looking up at the right time.

Foreman: Get to your point. We’re a little busy here.

House: The clots aren’t from cancer. They’re coming from his heart.

Foreman: We echoed the heart. No clots.

House: Not while we were looking. Didn’t I open with that? The clots were caused by an arrhythmia.

Chase: No arrhythmia.

House: Not while we were looking! [He bangs on the glass of the observation deck.] Intermittent arrhythmia. This guy pulls our equipment off at the slightest provocation. We’d have to be watching at the exact moment it happened. Which I’m guessing from the way you two are scrambling around like idiots, is right now. [Chase glances up.] Yes. I’m saying do a transesophageal echo.

Foreman: [to Chase] We have to get his BP s*ab.

House: Absolutely. Right after the echo.

Foreman: Systolic’s 70.

House: The heart looked healthy at the last echo and an arrhythmia wouldn’t cause clots in a healthy ventricle. So start with the left atrial appendage.

[A monitor beeps.]

Chase: Wow.

House: Yep. I did it again. Now get this poor guy’s BP under control and seal off the appendage. Then all we have to do is find out what damaged his heart before it goes after something he really needs.

[Cut to Diagnostics Conference Room]

House: So what damages a healthy 20-year-old heart enough to make it send out clots like it’s b*mb Dresden?

Thirteen: Rhabdo?

Taub: Would have fried his kidneys, too. What about Graves?

Foreman: Thyroid function tests were normal.

Thirteen: Cushing’s. Cortisol overproduction could interfere with heart rhythm.

House: Run a dexamathasone suppression test.

[They leave. House turns toward his desk where the coffee cup still stands.]

[Cut to Scott’s room. Taub and Thirteen are performing tests. Annie enters.]

Scott: Annie.

Annie: You h*t me.

Scott: I know. I’m so sorry but… It wasn’t me.

Annie: I know you would never have done that if you were in control of yourself but…

Scott: But you came back.

Annie: To talk with your doctors. I’ve been going over and over what happened and I had this thought out of nowhere. Ever since I’ve know Scott I’ve seen his left hand throw things but always sort of playfully, thinking it’s fun. But when he threw this… [She picks up his can of deodorant] it was angry. And that’s when his hand slapped me, too — when I brought it to him. Could it mean something?

Taub: Deodorant shouldn’t… How often do you use it?

Scott: Uh, a few times a day. It’s special heavy-duty stuff. I have to send away for it.

Thirteen: Sprayed around a bathroom the size of a shoebox.

Taub: I’ll check the ingredients from the manufacturer.

Thirteen: I’ll check for any references associated with health issues.

[Scott’s left hand comes up slowly and strokes Annie’s face. She smiles.]

Taub: Somebody’s grateful.

Thirteen: We’ll just leave the… three of you alone.

[Cut to Wilson’s office. House enters, holding the coffee cup.]

House: Why is there no lipstick on this cup? Cuddy was wearing lipstick when she drank from it. It was on my face. Why isn’t it on the cup?

Wilson: Why is it always reasonable in Houseland to take an emotional problem and sidestep it by turning it into a mechanical problem?

House: Because in Houseland, and the rest of the universe, by the way, when a question presents itself, it calls for an answer.

Wilson: If the left brain is the interpreter of reality and the one that tells us the story of who we are, then what is your story? Do you wanna be the man with the answers, or do you wanna be the man with Cuddy?

[House thinks, tosses the coffee cup in the trash and sits down.]

House: What do I do?

Wilson: You make her angry.

House: You really think that was the best time to mock me?

Wilson: I’m as surprised as you, but I think I’m serious. Communication can’t start unless you both —

House: I’ve been trying to make her angry for —

Wilson: No, you haven’t. Come on! Poo? Strippers? It’s routine stuff. You’ve been pulling your punches. You’re scared. You should be. [House thinks then stands up.] Now go terrorize her.

[Cut to locker room. Cameron is putting on her coat. Chase, still in scrubs, comes up to her.]

Chase: You don’t wanna destroy it, do you?

Cameron: I said I was gonna do it. I’ll do it.

Chase: But you don’t want to.

Cameron: I want to be with you. Maybe I’m not comfortable with it, but —

Chase: Let’s say it’s our fifth anniversary. Are you ready to destroy it now? Tenth. Three kids. They spend their summers in Melbourne and have annoying accents. It’s disgusting how happy we are. You ready now? You don’t have doubts. You just don’t wanna k*ll the only thing left of someone you loved. [Cameron’s face crumbles as she starts to cry. Chase hugs her while she cries on his shoulder.] Don’t do it.

Cameron: I do have trouble giving things up. For example, I never canceled any of our wedding plans. [They both laugh.]

[Cut to the balcony. House bangs his cane loudly on the railing four times.]

House: Attention! I have an announcement. As you go about your day, I would like you to be aware of the fact that I slept with Lisa Cuddy.

[Everyone in the lobby stares up at him. The clinic doors open and Cuddy marches out. She talks to one of the nurses then looks up at House. She’s mad. House stares back then rings for the elevator, leaving her staring.]

[Cut to a hallway. House is walking away, down the hall. Cuddy’s voice bellows out as she catches up with him.]

Cuddy: This is beyond ass-hood! You have the luxury of not caring about your image. I do not! I can permit a lot of crap, but an employee shouting about his sexual exploits with me — no! That is zero tolerance! So congratulations, House. I am angry.

House: I was wondering if we should move in together.

Cuddy: [laughs, humorlessly] You’re fired. [She leaves.]

Eugene: I wouldn’t worry about it. I think she likes you. [He’s in the doorway to House’s office.]

House: If I’m fired, I think that probably means I don’t have to see patients. [He starts to walk away.]

Eugene: I’m here as a squeaky wheel. I know how you doctors are. You’re busy. You get distracted. My lab results could be sitting in your in-box.

House: I don’t need your labs. You have acid reflux.

Eugene: Well how could you…

House: Acid splashes on the vocal chords, they tense, make that squawking sound. It’s completely harmless. I’m gonna give you a prescription and you are gonna go away.

Eugene: You are a great doctor.

House: Why’d you move your belt?

Eugene: I always move my belt. Makes me sore.

House: You didn’t tell me that.

Eugene: At 86, what isn’t sore? Soreness is less important than squawking. It’s the squawking that was bothering my wife. [House palpates Eugene’s abdomen. He grunts.]

House: That’s not a potbelly. It’s a tumor. That’s why pancreatic cancer was on my mind. My brain was trying to tell me…

Eugene: This isn’t sounding good. Pancreatic cancer?

House: It can cause acid reflux. We should scope you.

Eugene: So it’s not good. Even for cancer, it’s not good.

House: No it’s not. [The elevator doors open and Taub comes out.]

Taub: The deodorant has a high proportion of propylene glycol. Same stuff made a kid in Singapore develop a heart condition and, get this, seizures. Our patient may never have needed split-brain surgery.

House: I’m sure he will half-appreciate the irony. Take this man to radiology. Pancreatic scan. And stay with him. [He gets on the elevator.]

Eugene: Eugene Schwartz. [He shakes hands with Taub.]

[Cut to Cuddy’s office. She’s sitting on the couch, fiddling with her bracelet which is in her hand. House enters, quietly.]

Cuddy: Whatever it is, just say it quickly.

House: Do you have more than one lipstick in the same shade? Maybe one that has a sealing agent and one that doesn’t?

Cuddy: How could that possibly be relevant to anything?

House: You really don’t think you’re just… overreacting to the other night?

Cuddy: Fine. I am overreacting. You’ve said plenty of lousy things to me before. But reaching the final straw has been a good thing because it made me realize we not only don’t have a personal relationship, we never could.

House: [clearly confused] Wha… You… You’re… You’ve been overreacting to something I said?

Cuddy: You insulted me. I walked out. It’s nothing that hasn’t happened a hundred times before.

[House exhales and he’s back in her office the previous night.]

House: I quit.

Cuddy: Great. My nanny is off the clock at 7:30 so your week off —

House: You can go suckle the little bastard child who makes you feel good about yourself.

Cuddy: Screw you.

[She picked up her briefcase and left. Today’s House looks at the door she went through and yesterday’s House watches the door close. He could see her outline, walking away, through the slats in the door.]

House: [blinking and trying to clear his head] No, no. That — that’s not what happened. I told you that I needed you. You — You helped me.

Cuddy: Are you okay?

[House reaches into his pocket for the lipstick. He opens his hand and sees that it’s an amber medicine vial. He pulls back and the Vicodin bottle falls on the floor. He backs into a corner, staring at the bottle. Cuddy follows him and takes hold of his shoulders.]

Cuddy (continues): Are you okay?

[House looks to his left and sees yesterday’s Cuddy who sat on the floor of the bathroom as he was wrapped around the toilet. The memory changes and House sat alone on the floor, playing with a pill bottle. He took a pill and tossed the bottle alongside the tub, to where the lone pill was.]

[House and Cuddy were by the door, kissing passionately. The memory of them as they worked their way toward the bedroom, kissing and shedding clothing, is interspersed with memories of House being home alone. He took off his jacket and limped, alone toward the bedroom.]

[House inspected the lipstick on his cheek in the bathroom mirror. He looked down and smiled when he saw… the pill bottle.]

[House sat at his desk, rolling the lipstick tube over his fingers. His staff looked in from the conference room and saw him do it with the pill bottle.]

[The memories start coming faster, House playing with the lipstick, Cuddy stroking his cheeks. Then he remembers twisting the lipstick open and, as his hands take hold of today’s Cuddy’s shoulders, he recalls the constant “pop” of the pill bottle opening as he took Vicodin after Vicodin all day.]

[Back in the present, Cuddy is looking at him. House opens his eyes and stares straight ahead. Amber is standing next to him.]

Amber: So… This is the story you made up about who you are. It’s a nice one.

Kutner: Too bad it isn’t true.

House: [shakily as Cuddy touches his cheek] No. I’m not okay.

[Cut to Wilson’s office. Cuddy comes in and looks at him. He looks back, puzzled. A moment later, House slips through the still-open door. His eyes are red. He looks both terrified and empty. Wilson stands up. He looks puzzled for a moment then he nods slightly as he realizes what is going on. He presses his lips together as if he’s trying not to cry.]

[A violin version of As Tears Go By starts. Cut to a flower girl walking down the aisle at an outdoor wedding tossing petals. She passes Foreman, Thirteen, Taub and his wife. It’s a beautiful, sunny day and all the women are in sleeveless dresses. The flower girl reaches Chase who is wearing a pale blue suit and looking “chuffed.” Cameron, in a beautiful gown, walks down the aisle.]

[The music fades into the Rolling Stones’ version of the song. House and Wilson are in the car. They’re both wearing overcoats. They are silent.]

[Back at the wedding, the minister is performing the ceremony. Cuddy comes in with Rachel and takes a seat.]

[The car approaches a forbidding stone building.]

[Cuddy closes her eyes and sighs deeply. The ceremony continues.]

[House gets out of the car and looks at the building which is perhaps 50 yards away.]

[Chase slips the ring on Cameron’s finger.]

[House hands Wilson his wallet.]

[Cameron puts the ring on Chase.]

[House gives Wilson his watch. Wilson still has House’s suitcase. The look at each other.]

[Chase and Cameron silently say “I do.”]

[House takes the bag and reaches into the back seat for his cane. He walks past Wilson as]

[The bride and groom kiss.]

[House slowly approaches the hospital while Wilson stays behind.]

[Chase and Cameron hug and turn to face their guests who stand, applauding.]

[Wilson watches House who is approaching the steps. A few staff members are now there.]

[Chase and Cameron walk back down the aisle, hand in hand. Cuddy looks like she’s about to cry.]

[House makes it up the stairs and enters Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital, followed by the staff members. He looks back at Wilson who looks at him. House, standing alone, continues to look out as the door closes on him.]

[The End]

As Tears Go By

It is the evening of the day

I sit and watch the children play

Smiling faces I can see

But not for me

I sit and watch as tears go by

My riches can’t buy everything.

I want to hear the children sing

All I hear is the sound

Of rain falling on the ground

I sit and watch as tears go by
{"type": "series", "show": "House", "episode": "05x24 - Both Sides Now"}