I.C.U. -- Patient's Room

J.D. is at the bed of an elderly patient, Mr. Bober.

J.D.'s Narration: As a doctor, it's important to know how to make small talk.

J.D.: Mr. Bober, what would you like with your turkey sandwich?

Mr. Bober: Pickles!

J.D.'s Narration: ...Of course, it's harder if your patient suffers from dementia and can only say one word....

J.D.: And to drink?

Mr. Bober: Pickles!

J.D. takes up the chest piece of his stethoscope and holds it to his mouth as he speaks in the hushed melodramatic tones of a game-show host asking the final, big-money question.

J.D.: And now, for a thousand dollars and this bag of I.V. fluid, which is guaranteed to make you feel like you're a hundred and ninety again, What did Peter Piper pick a peck of?

He holds the "microphone" up to Bober.

Mr. Bober: Pickles.

Dr. Cox quietly enters.

J.D.: Oooooooh! I'm sorry, Mr. Bober! The correct answer is _peppers_. "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled _peppers_."

Dr. Cox: NEWBIE!

J.D.: Huh?

Dr. Cox: Did I just walk in on you mocking an innocent patient!?

J.D.: [ashamed] Yes....

Dr. Cox: I've never felt closer to you.

But see, this is just exactly what's wrong with the whole system -- the nursing home doctors unload this gomer on us because they're unable to treat him. So, we get his temperature below a hundred, and then turf him right back to the good people at Next Stop, Heaven, where, in between mounting wheelchair productions of "Anything Goes" and robbing the poor old bastards blind, they bounce him right back to us!

J.D.: Well, on the plus side, his temperature's 99.9, so...Sayonara, Mr. Bober!

He giggles, eliciting a small chuckle from Cox.

Dr. Cox: Oh, I could just give you a hug! [J.D. moves forward] Of course, I never would! I could, but I never would, God save me! I never would...

He walks off, ranting to himself.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Eh, no biggie. 'Cause here comes my dream girl with a smile just for me.

Dreamy music plays as Elliot strides towards J.D. in slow motion.

Elliot: J.D.... You know what I love?

J.D.: [using his stethoscope "microphone" once more] What?

Elliot: [grinning goofily] My boyfriend Sean.

With that important news delivered, she goes off again.

J.D.'s Narration: And that's when I made one of the biggest mistakes I've made in some time....

Cut to...

HALL -- PAYPHONE

J.D. is on the phone.

J.D.: I'm really bummed out about Elliot. I just needed someone to talk to.

J.D.'s Narration: I called my brother.

Flash to...

DAN'S PLACE (Technically their mother's attic)

Dan: Yeah, boo-frickin'-hoo. Listen, I'm so glad you called. You know how Mom's getting remarried again for the seventh time? Well, this is turning into such a hassle for me....

Flash back to...

HOSPITAL HALL

J.D. rolls his eyes as he listens to Dan ramble.

J.D.'s Narration: And with that, I had reopened the door that I had successfully closed years ago.

Cut to...

TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT -- LATER

J.D. is walking through the living room, talking on the phone.

J.D.: Yes, Dan, I got your eleven messages. Now, because you're my brother, I'm gonna put this nicely: Leave me alone.

Cut to...

HALL

Dan is leaning against the wall as he talks to J.D.

Dan: This whole Mom thing doesn't bother you?

J.D.: Yes, it's k*lling me. [there's a knock at the door] So much so that I have to go, okay?

Dan: All right, buddy. I'll see you soon.

J.D. hangs up the phone and answers the door. To Dan!

Dan: Real soon.

He charges at J.D., and throws him to the floor.

J.D.: Wait! Dan! Hoog!

Turk comes out of the bathroom to see the two brothers at his feet.

Turk: 'Sup, Dan.

Dan: Christopher! Looks like we have the makings of a dog-pile here.

J.D.: Turk, don't.

Turk: Sorry, dude. I gotta!

Turk throws himself down on the guys, J.D., unseen behind the couch, shrieks.

~*~

ELLIOT'S APARTMENT -- EVENING

Elliot and Carla are hanging out.

Elliot: [sighs] I miss Sean.

Carla: Awww.

Elliot: This long-distance thing is k*lling me.

Carla: Well, are you having phone-sex?

Elliot: Uhhh, gross!

...Have you and Turk ever done it?

Carla: Last year, when he went home for the holidays, I gave him a call. You'd be surprised at how much Turk's eleven-year-old nephew sounds like him...and how worldly he is.

Elliot: Yeah, well I'm not comfortable doing it here, anyway. I mean, these walls are so thin, that guy next door listens to every single thing I say.

She presses her ear against the wall.

Elliot: Yeah, I can hear you, there, breathing!

Pan to...

NEXT DOOR APARTMENT

On the other side of the wall, a large bulldog sits, panting.

Pan back to...

ELLIOT'S APARTMENT

Elliot: You sick bastard!

Carla: Look, you just need to find a place where you're not so self-conscious.

Cut to...

WOODS -- NIGHT

Elliot is on her cell phone.

Elliot: Hi, Sweetie. Are you naked? ... Okay, ummm, now imagine me taking off my shirt and kissing down your neck and-- Can you hear me? Sean? ... Good. Okay, now I'm at your chest and my tongue starts-- Are you there? ... Good, because now I am licking your nipples all over. ... Your nipples. ... Nipples, Sean! I'm licking your nipples!

There's a gasp from behind the bushes, which part to reveal a young Scout troop on a hike, their flashlights pointed at Elliot.

Kid: Look, Oliver!

Elliot: [to Sean] I don't care how close you are! I'll call you later!

~*~

TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT -- LIVING ROOM -- EVENING

Turk and J.D. are sitting around.

J.D.: Dude, we have to get my brother out of here -- he's driving me crazy.

Dan comes out of the bathroom.

Dan: I did not -- repeat, did not -- just drop a toothbrush in the toilet.

Turk: Was it blue?

Dan: Yellow.

J.D. groans.

Turk: Oh, don't sweat it. So, Mrs. D.'s getting remarried, huh?

Dan: Ugh, yeah!

He comes over and plops himself between the guys on the couch.

Dan: To a loser! Total loser. This guy's making me move out of Mom's attic.

J.D.: Oh, the audacity.

Dan: I know. But you know what? This is gonna be great. You know, this reminds me of the time I came down to see you guys when you were in med school.... Oh! And I hooked up with that slutty chick! [laughing] Remember, the one with the huge cans? What was her name?

J.D.: Amy.

Dan: Yeah! How do you remember stuff like that?

J.D.: She was my girlfriend.

Dan: Right.

You got her number?

J.D.: No.

Dan looks over at Turk who mouths "I got it."

~*~

OPENING THEME

(Sort of...)

COMMERCIALS

~*~

TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT -- MORNING

Turk and Dan are on the couch.

Dan: [humming a note] Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........

Turk: [humming a higher note] Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........

J.D. comes in from his bedroom.

Dan: Hey! Hey! Check this out! Turk and I have been working on our harmonizing.

Dan: A-one, a-two, a-one, two three:

Turk and Dan fart in unison, and crack up laughing.

J.D.: Haunting.

Dan: You've always had the talent, little brother. You get in on this, and we could take this on the road!

***FANTASY: PLAYHOUSE

Turk, Dan, and J.D. are dressed up in barbershop quartet (or, in this case, trio) outfits.

They perform a musical flatulence number, and the audience goes wild -- from inside the safety of the necks of their shirts.

***END FANTASY

J.D.: [dreamy] I love the theatre....

Behind him, Turk reaches into the freezer for his shorts.

Turk: Ah! Come to papa!

J.D.: Turk! Can you please not put your skivvies in the freezer!? I'm sick of my popsicles tasting like fabric softener!

Turk: I like my bad boys to stay nice and cold.

Dan: Make sure you're nice and dry down there, otherwise you get a tongue-on-the-flagpole situation -- you don't want that.

A strategically placed bottle of juice allows us to see everything but Turk's flagpole as he hikes up his skivvies.

Turk: Ahhhhhh!

J.D.: This is a stimulating conversation. I can't imagine why Mom's new husband doesn't want you in the house.

Dan: Me neither! And you know what, J.D.? I'm worried, 'cause I think this marriage might actually stick.

...Unlike Mom and Dad, who tried to solve everything with sex.

J.D.: They did?

Dan: Oh, yeah, yeah. Matter of fact, the only reason you were born is 'cause Mom bounced a check at the market.

J.D.: Oh, that's great! I--I guess you're only here because Mom wrecked the car?

Dan: No, they wanted me.

~*~

HOSPITAL -- HALL

Turk catches up with Carla.

Turk: Hey! My nephew just asked what you're wearing today. How cute is that?

Carla: [giggles] Not as cute as you think.

They approach...

NURSES' STATION

Elliot is there.

Carla: Hey.

Elliot: Carla.... I've gotta scrape some cash together to see Sean.

Dr. Kelso arrives with a young doctor and the ubiquitous Ted the Lawyer in tow.

Dr. Kelso: Okay, everyone, listen up: It came to my attention that Dr. Brogan here has been moonlighting over at County Medical. Now, if he were to k*ll someone over there, great; but if he were to make a mistake here because of how tired he was from working at his other job, then my hospital would be liable. So, Ted, why don't you tell everyone what my policy on moonlighting is.

Lawyer: No...moonlighting.

Dr. Kelso: Now, Dr. Brogan will be suspended _without pay_ for one week, but on the plus side, he gets to run around in my backyard wearing a foam suit so I can see if my dog Baxter's att*ck classes were worth the money!

Is my message clear?

[in unison]

Doc: Yeah, uh-huh.

Doc 2: Yes, sir.

Turk: Uh-huh.

Carla: Absolutely, sir. Absolutely.

Elliot: No moonlighting, sir!

Satisfied, Dr. Kelso leaves, Ted trailing along behind.

Elliot: So, where do you guys moonlight?

Female Doc: Insurance physicals.

Male Doc: Free clinic.

Turk: Mammogram-mobile. Well, not officially -- I just got the offer today -- but I'd make more money than I do now, riding around in an ambulance, and even though I'll be handling breasts all day, my beautiful fiancee, who is very secure with the--will let me--

Carla doesn't look like she'll let him anything.

Turk: [meek] I ride around in an ambulance.

Meanwhile...

HALL

J.D. is coming in to work.

J.D.'s Narration: Dan wanted to come with me to work today, but I told him it would make me a little uncomfortable. He was okay with it.

The camera angle widens to reveal Dan walking along with J.D.

Dan: Now, I heard there's a bed in the on-call room. You ever get, uh, hot & heavy in there?

J.D.: Nah, usually I'm in there by myself.

Dan: So, yes.

Listen, uh, my buddy Wayne lives a couple miles upstate, and so, uh, he's got himself a new bumper pool table -- I'm gonna be taking off tonight.

J.D.: Oh, thank God.

J.D. spots Dr. Cox further down the hall.

J.D.: Dr. Cox! You remember my brother Dan?

Dan: Whatta ya say, Coxy!

Dr. Cox: Nothing!

Dan: That's a first.

J.D.: [quietly] This is my boss, Dan.

Dr. Cox: You know what a boss is: For you, that would be the seventeen-year-old that tells you to clean out the grease-trap after you've filled all the ketchups.

Dan: [faking amusement] Oh, my ribs!

J.D. pulls out a dollar and hands it to Dan.

J.D.: Uh, Dan, why don't you go get a snack cake?

Dan: Snack cake.

Dan goes down the hall to the snack machine.

J.D.: Uh, Dr. Cox, Dan was wondering if he could trail with us today....

Dr. Cox: Good God in heaven, Newbie, there are just so very many ways for me to say this to you: Never; not in a million years; absolutely not; no way, Jose; no chance, Lance; niet; negatory; mm-mm; nuh-uh; oh-oh; and of course my own personal favorite of all time, man falling off of a cliff -- "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!..."

His eyes follow an imaginary figure plummeting towards the floor.

J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox...

Dr. Cox holds up a finger: "Wait for it."

Dr. Cox: ..."Pff."

J.D.: I just want to say, thank you.

Dr. Cox: Hold the phone. You don't want him to come with us?

J.D.: [vaguely imitating Cox] "Nooooooooo..." Heh. "Poof." Heh.

Dr. Cox spins around.

Dr. Cox: Dan? [whistles] Come!

He pulls Dan down the hall, leaving J.D. to savor his bitterness.

~*~

I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION

Carla is there, as usual, as it Turk. Elliot arrives.

Elliot: Thanks a lot, Turk! I didn't get that mammogram-mobile job because they said you took it after all!

Carla: What!?

Turk: Yes, I took it! But, it pays better, and we both know that this job is about helping women detect breast cancer, and nothing more!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for work.

He gives himself a sh*t of breath spray before taking off.

Carla shouts after him.

Carla: Well, have fun! 'Cause you'll never see "the girls" again!

She hefts her breasts in demonstration, then turns to Elliot.

Carla: Hey, Elliot, the place where I moonlight pays pretty well. I can call them for you.

Elliot: Cool! What's the gig?

Cut to...

CLINIC HALL

Carla and Elliot, in white lab coats, are walking through this place where Carla moonlights.

Carla: It's great. It's just emergency patch and fix work -- it's no different than treating a patient at our hospital, okay?

Elliot: Okay.

They enter the exam room of their first patient -- a squealing pot-bellied pig. Elliot's eyes widen.

~*~

HOSPITAL -- I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION

Dr. Cox and J.D. have work at the desk. Dan watches.

An orderly wheels Mr. Bober in.

Dr. Cox: Oh-ho! Lookie here! [kneels next to Bober] Uh, tell me sir, what is it that brings Dr. Dorian's favorite gomer back to the hospital?

Mr. Bober: Pickles.

Dr. Cox: Fair enough.

Dan: [to J.D.] What's a gomer?

J.D.: A gomer's an old person that takes up room in the hospital and doesn't have the common decency to die.

Dan: See, now that's just rude is what that is.

J.D.: Well, I'm sorry, dude, I don't--I don't have time for pickles right now. I got three vegetables and a drug addict who's gonna tell me this time things'll be different, then try to take my watch again.

He notices his bare wrist.

J.D.: Dammit!

[to Cox] Can't we just, you know, put a pillow over his head and put him out of his misery?

Dr. Cox: Not gonna be necessary, seeing as how his temperature is below a hundred. Take him away.

J.D. leaves the paperwork to Cox and wheels Mr. Bober out.

Dan: So, Dr. Cox, how long has my little brother had the desire to smother old people? I feel I should warn Grandma.

He follows Dr. Cox down the hall.

Dr. Cox: Gonna sound a little dark, but in all fairness you gotta deal with this place any way you can.

Dan: Dude, these are living, breathing people we're talking about here.

Cox stops.

Dr. Cox: I'm s--I'm s--I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what do you do?

Dan: I tend bar.

Dr. Cox: Well, I'll tell you what, there, Dan: I'm gonna go ahead and worry about how we do things around here. But if I ever do need to find out how to make a top-notch rum and coke, well, by gum, mister, you had better be by the phone, cause I just might give you a jingle.

He continues down the hall...

Dr. Cox: [pretend phone call] Ba-ha-rrrri-hing! Hi, Dan? Coxaronie. Regarding the rum and coke issue -- couldn't be more confused!

~*~

VET CLINIC -- EXAM ROOM

Carla is helping Elliot assimilate.

Carla: Okay, we have another dog coming in. Do you want him or the four cats next door?

Elliot: Oh, I'll go with the dog. I don't know what it is, but all cats hate me. I mean, if I even make eye contact with them, they freak out.

Carla: Okay.

Suddenly, Elliot races into the room of cats.

Perplexed by what frightened her, Carla turns around to see Dr. Kelso.

Dr. Kelso: Well, well, well....

Elliot made a bad choice, as the cats att*ck her, yowling, hissing, and God knows what else. She runs around the room, passing the small door in the window several times, as she tries to dodge cats.

Elliot: Agggghhhh! Stupid kitty! Hey! Get off me! Stupid cats!

She escapes the room, and shouts in at her attackers...

Elliot: YOU ALL SUCK!

...then slams the door.

Elliot: Hi, sir.

~*~

HOSPITAL -- ENTRANCE

J.D. is saying goodbye to Dan.

J.D.: Well, Dan, what can I say. It's been, uh, three days....

Dan: Two days.

J.D.: Feels like three. But, uh, say hi to Wayne, and good luck in the bumper pool tournament.

Dan: Yeah, actually, J.D., I don't think I'm leaving.

J.D.: Why!?

Dan: Well, 'cause I'm worried about you. I mean, hanging with you today and watching you work, with the gomer talk and all the attitude now, I'm not so sure I like the guy you're turning into. It's definitely not my little brother.

J.D.: You know what, Dan, once Dad left and Mom started marrying everyone that rang the doorbell, I remember someone saying how lucky I was to have an older brother. But you never came through for me once, did you. I mean, I called you for help because I'm in love with a girl who's in love with someone else, and you responded by showing up here, drinking all my Bailey's Irish Cream, and whining about Mom's new boyfriend. You are a self-involved user, Dan. And you wanna tell _me_ what kind of person to be? I tell you what, instead, why don't you just get the hell out of my life?

Dan: But we're brothers. That counts for something, right?

J.D.: Not to me.

After a moment of awkward silence, J.D. goes back into the building.

~*~

COMMERCIALS

~*~

TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT -- MORNING

Dan works in the kitchen as Turk and J.D. sit at the counter eating breakfast.

J.D.'s Narration: Whenever there's an argument in my family, it's a time-honored tradition to pretend nothing happened.

Dan handles a hot pancake...

Dan: Ah! Ah!

...and plops it on J.D.'s plate.

Dan: How are your chocolate chip flapjacks, little brother?

J.D.: Chocolate chippity good!

Dan: More whipped cream, Christopher?

Turk: Bring it!

Dan picks up the can and squirts some whipped cream right into Turk's mouth.

Turk: Mmm-ghmmmm!

Dan: I just want to say before I h*t the road, it's been great hanging with you; and Johnny, I know I don't say this nearly enough, but, um--

There's a gurgling noise.

Dan: Ooh, coffee's kicking in. I'll be back in just under four minutes.

He races off to the bathroom.

~*~

HOSPITAL -- HALL

Carla and Elliot are walking through.

Elliot: Look, Carla, I cannot afford to be suspended right now. I'm gonna have to resort to blackmail.

Carla: How are we gonna blackmail Kelso?

Elliot: No, no, no, no, no! Unless you take the fall for both of us, I'm telling Turk you're sleeping with someone.

Carla: Relax, Elliot. I have a secret w*apon!

She opens the door of...

LEGAL COUNSEL OFFICE

Ted the Lawyer is busy primping in a mirror, a huge black wig on his head. When he sees the girls, he whips it off his head.

Lawyer: You saw nothing!

He guiltily ditches his comb.

~*~

PARKING LOT -- BASKETBALL HOOP

J.D. and Turk are gonna squeeze in some one-on-one before work. J.D. hits the "court" in a 'do-rag and a black, sleeveless tee that reads "Black By Popular Demand".

J.D.: Hey, thanks for loaning me this shirt, man. I got a lot of compliments from the sistas. Sharon the security guard even called me a cracka!

Turk: Dude, how many time I gotta tell you? cr*cker -- bad!

Besides, why aren't you at home, apologizing to your brother before he takes off?

J.D.: Turk, you don't get it, man. Your family was there for you.

Turk: You know, I love how kids of divorce really have the market cornered on family dysfunction. But let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household: It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jabari -- formerly Bob -- gives my father attitude for using the word "black", even though he's referring to the turkey. Which, by the way, only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bi-polar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it.

But you know what we do? We kiss...and we hug...and we apologize for all the things we said.... 'Cause a month later, we gonna get together and do it again at Christmas!

J.D. considers this.

Turk: Now check the ball, cracka!

He throws the ball at J.D., who absent-mindedly tosses it through the basket from way down court. Must be the outfit.

J.D.: One-nothing.

~*~

LEGAL COUNSEL OFFICE

Elliot and Carla wait as Ted returns his wig to its foam wig-stand.

Lawyer: You're home now.

He walks behind his desk.

Carla: Okay, I paged Dr. Kelso.

Do you feel confident about this, Ted?

Lawyer: I'm not sure. I don't know what confidence feels like.

Kelso enters.

Dr. Kelso: Good afternoon, suspendees, Ted.

Guess who's back from the vet! One, two, three!

Dr. Kelso's dog follows him in, and leaps into his arms on command.

Dr. Kelso: [laughing and hugging the dog] What a boy!

Kelso returns his dog to the floor, where he obediently stands at his master's side.

Lawyer: Sir, about Nurse Espinosa and Dr. Reid's suspensions, really there aren't any grounds to punish them for moonlighting, because they weren't working with people -- just animals.

Dr. Kelso: "Just animals"? Oh, please, this dog is smarter than most people. He's definitely smarter than _you_.

Lawyer: Sir, I don't think--

Dr. Kelso: Baxter, sit!

The dog sits.

Dr. Kelso: Ted, sit!

Ted falls to his chair.

Carla: Ted, you don't have to!

Lawyer: Shut up! I can win this!

Dr. Kelso: Baxter, speak!

Baxter barks.

Dr. Kelso: Ted, speak!

Lawyer: Hellooooooooo!

Dr. Kelso: Baxter, left foot!

The dog raises its left paw.

Dr. Kelso: Ted, left hand!

Ted reflexively raises his right hand.

Elliot: Left hand, Ted.

Lawyer: Hellooooooooooo!

Dr. Kelso: Baxter wins! He gets the desk. Baxter, go up!

The dog jumps into Ted's chair.

~*~

ADMISSIONS -- FRONT DESK

Dan amuses himself by tipping the open desk partition down.

From behind the desk, the Janitor leaps up, yelling and gripping his injured hand.

Janitor: Aaaaaagggghhhhh-hagghh! Gah! Those are definitely broken! Why did you do that!?

Dan: Gee, I dunno.

Janitor: Who are you?

Dan: Waiting for my brother.

J.D. arrives.

J.D.: Hey, Dan.

Janitor: Well, isn't that perfect. You send your brother in to do the dirty work, huh? And with an open fly, no less!

Both brothers look down.

Janitor: Made you look. A two-fer! Emergency Room?

J.D.: [pointing] That way.

The Janitor rushes off.

J.D.: So, you...taking off?

Dan: Yeah.

J.D.: Look, um, Dan...I wanna apologize for everything I said. For what it's worth, I really like having you around.

Dan: No you don't.

J.D.: I know. I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your face.

But, honestly, you're my brother; you can crash at my place as long as you like.

Dan: That's okay. I'll see you back home at Christmas.

They share an awkward hug then, without another word, split and go their own ways.

~*~

DR. KELSO'S OFFICE

Kelso is doing some paperwork as Elliot, Carla, and Ted come in.

Dr. Kelso: [not looking up] Why are you here.

Elliot: My boyfriend is in New Zealand for six months, and if I don't moonlight, then I'm never gonna have enough money to see him.

Carla: My wedding's costing twice as much as I thought it would, and I need the extra cash.

Lawyer: Baxter won't get out of my chair.

Dr. Kelso gives them his attention.

Carla: Dr. Kelso, even though we're understaffed and underpaid, I've been working here for ten years! I mean, all day long? All I hear is "Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla...Carla...Carla."

Elliot: Sir, what--wh--what Carla is saying, and not in any kind of crazy or, uh, rambling sort of way, is that we work hard here at the hospital, but it's not the only thing in our lives.

Carla: Surely you must know what it's like to love someone so much that you'd do anything you had to.

Dr. Kelso: I'll see you two in the morning. Now get out of my office before I change my mind.

Carla and Elliot happily leave, and Ted is about to follow until he sees Kelso pick up the phone.

Dr. Kelso: [into phone] Darling, I wanna say something. For the past 25 years, we've been going through the motions -- once every couple of weeks we have sex, and then we have breakfast without saying a word. Well, tonight, I want you to put on a nice dress, because I'm gonna take you to dinner and I'm gonna start telling you all the things I haven't taken the time to say all these years. ... I love you, too.

He hangs up.

Lawyer: That was...beautiful, sir!

Dr. Kelso: Thanks, Ted. Call my wife, tell her I won't be home tonight.

He gets up from his desk and leaves.

HOSPITAL -- EXTERIOR, EVENING

Dr. Cox exits the hospital, ready to go home.

Dan, who'd been waiting just outside the door, catches up with him.

Dan: Hey, Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox: Oh, here I'd been told you left. It made me happy.

Dan: Yeah, you don't like me. People don't like me. You know why? I'm a [does air quotes] screw-up; [more air quotes] always have been. [chuckles] For instance, when we were kids, Mom would always make me walk Johnny to school first day every year. Every year, I'd walk him to the wrong school! [laughing] Just 'cause!

Dr. Cox: Boy, that's a great story, really. And I'm sure you were just a horrible big brother--

Dan: Well...

Dr. Cox: --but I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed, turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his death bed.

Dan: Hey, listen, Dr. Cox: No offense, I'm a big fan of the tough-guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you love the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family we knew was going someplace -- sweet kid, smart kid. Becoming a doctor, this is all he ever wanted; and yet, somehow, you've found a way to b*at that out of him, haven't you? Turned him into some cynical guy who seems to despise what he does.

Dr. Cox, Johnny's never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So, I'm askin' -- I'm telling you -- take that responsibility seriously; stop being such a hard-ass, otherwise you're gonna have to answer to me.

J.D.'s Narration: Love can give you strength you never knew you had.

Dan: It was good seeing you, Dr. Cox.

He holds out his hand.

Cox, most sincere, shakes it, sealing their deal.

Dr. Cox: Good to see you, Dan. All the best.

Dr. Cox continues out to his car.

Dan finally exhales.

J.D.'s Narration: Love can also give you courage.

Meanwhile...

VET CLINIC

Carla is treating a cat as Elliot comes in.

Elliot: Lots of cats today! Heh! What's wrong with this guy?

Carla: I think he's got something stuck behind his big, sharp tooth.

The cat hisses menacingly, but Elliot takes a calming breath and approaches it.

J.D.'s Narration: As for me, it's enough just to love my brother, even though I know he'll never come up big for me.

Cut to...

HOSPITAL HALL -- NEXT DAY

J.D. wheels Mr. Bober through. Dr. Cox catches up with him.

Dr. Cox: Well, Mr. Pickles, welcome back.

J.D.: Here we go with this guy again.

Dr. Cox: Yep. Still, it sure is nice to be doing something you love. I wouldn't trade it. How 'bout you?

J.D.: No....

Dr. Cox: Don't forget that.

Mr. Bober: Pickles.

Dr. Cox: Damn right, sir. [chuckles] Damn right.

END
{"type": "series", "show": "Scrubs", "episode": "03x05 - My Brother, Where Art Thou?"}