Ted from 2030: Kids, in the spring of 2008 something kind of strange have been happening to your uncle Barney. He's been doing great with a woman.

At the Bar

Barney: So I threw the pressure air oxygen into its mouth. I sh**t the t*nk, boo, nomore shark. Mr. Hall and I swam back to shore. Hey,let me serve you a drink.

Ted from 2030: He's only been gone a few moments but when he return...

Barney: So where were we?

Ted from 2030:...he gets slap! It kept happening...

(The woman slaps him.)

Woman: Jerk!

[FLASHBACK]

A woman slaps Barney, at a pet shop, then at the museum, and at the hardware store.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Ted from 2030: Until finally Lily was approached by a mysterious woman who wants her stay away from Barney...so when it happened once more...

Barney: Again? Really? Wait...

Ted from 2030: Barney knew who to look for...

Barney: Hey, excuse me. Did I sleep with you and then totally screw you over?

Woman: No.

Barney: What are you doing on Friday?

(He runs after another woman, who just climbed into a cab.)

Barney: Stop! Amy?

Abby: Abby.

Barney: Riiiggghhhttt!!!

[OPENING CREDITS]

Ted from 2030: Kids, sometimes you can do something right a thousand times in a row...

In Lily's class

Lily: A rainbow! That's beautiful! What a beautiful rainbow! Another rainbow? It's beautiful!

Ted from 2030: But then, that thousand-and-first time...

Lily: You're kidding me. Seriously, aren't you sick of these things?

At the appartment

Ted: Hey, how was your day?

Lily: Today, I yelled at a little girl for painting a rainbow.

Ted: A rainbow? Sounds like that bitch had it coming.

(Marshall arrives)

Marshall: So, uh, I just met with the contractor. and it turns out, that fixing the floors of the new apartment is going to cost a lot more than the estimate.

Lily: But we can barely afford that to begin with.

Marshall: I hate to say this, but I think you're going to have to sell your stuff.

Lily: Whoa! Marshall, that's just a game we play in the bedroom.

Marshall: I mean your clothes. All those designer pieces and everything.

Lily: What? Why just my clothes?

Marshall: We can sell my stuff, too, but I got to tell you, I think your Marc Jacobs cocktail dress is going to go for a lot more than my "Split Happens" bowling shirt.

Ted: Dude.

Marshall: I'm not selling that. I've already made the Website.

Lily: You made a Website?

Marshall: Yeah, it's called "Lily-and-Marshall-sell- their-stuff-dot-com."

Lily: No, you know what would be a better name for the site? Guy-forces-his-wife- to-dress-in-a-garbage-bag- for-the-next- three-years-dot-com. That's real.

Marshall: I'm worried. That woman is actually wearing a-a garbage bag.

Lily: Hmm, but, girlfriend, you cannot pull off a tall kitchen.

In the cab

Barney: Why are you trying to ruin my life?

Abby: Well, you slept with me and then you never called me again.

Barney: And?

Abby: That's it.

Barney: That's it? As far as I'm concerned, if I leave you safe on dry land with adequate transportation home, you've got nothing to complain about.

Abby: Well, it hurt, okay? And then Ted, the love of my life started dating my boss instead of me. Do you know how that feels?

Barney: Oh, boo-hoo, poor little Ashley.

Abby: Abby!

Barney: Abby. A few weeks ago, Ted dumped me as his wingman. You had a crush on him for a couple weeks? I was Ted's best friend for seven years.

Abby: Ted said Marshall was his best friend.

Barney: Seven years!

Abby: Sorry.

Barney: Ted. What an idiot. With his stupid "meaningful relationship" with Stella.

Abby: I hate Ted.

Barney: I hate Ted more.

Abby: Are you as turned on as I am?

Barney: Probably not quite as much.

(Later, they are both in bed...)

Abby: I'm sorry I yelled out "Ted."

Barney: I'm sorry I yelled out "Abby."

Abby: I am Abby.

Barney: Oh, cool.

At the apartment

Ted: This is insane. Has Lily even worn half this stuff?

Robin: Oh, yeah, like there's nothing in your closet you've never worn?

Ted: As a matter of fact, no, there isn't.

Robin: Whatever, red cowboy boots.

Ted: Those are nice boots. I totally pull those off.

Marshall: Hey, Lil, if I were to say "Ted could never pull them off," What would I be talking about?

Robin: His red cowboy boots.

Ted: I totally pull them off! It's a classic Western look.

Marshall: Oh, okay, uh, today's category: classic Westerns that involve red cowboy boots. Ooh, ooh! Robin.

Robin: "The Good, the Bad, and the Fabulous."

Lily: "The Magnificent Kevin."

Marshall: "No Country for Straight Men."

Lily: I don't want to sell my clothes!

Robin: Oh, I know, sweetie. Come here. Is this a hundred percent silk?

Marshall: Lily,listen, we really need the money. I have some leads on a job, but until then, I just... I don't know what else we can do.

Lily: I'll sell my paintings!

Marshall: What?

Lily: Yeah, I'll sell my paintings. Good oil paintings go for like, $500.

Marshall: Yeah. Totally. But...

Ted from 2030: Kids, sometimes you can do something right a thousand times in a row...

[FLASHBACK]

Lily shows her paintings to Marshall)

Marshall: I love it. It's a masterpiece. That's it. We're selling the TV. I just want to come home and stare at this all day. Aw. Somebody call the cops! My wife stole an awesome painting from the museum!

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Ted from 2030: But then, that thousand-and-first time...

Marshall:...that kind of money only goes for real paintings.

Lily: What does that mean?

Marshall: Look, it just, it just means that-that we need money right now and I'm not sure that selling your paintings is-is how we're going to get it.

Lily: You don't believe in me.

Marshall: No, wait, wait! Of c... of course I believe in you!

Lily: Marshall, I am proud of my work as an artist. My paintings are good. I bet Robin would buy one. What now?

Marshall: I love your painting, I just... I'm trying to be realistic.

Lily: Well, how much money do we need for the contractor to finish the job?

Marshall: About 1,500 bucks.

Lily: Okay. So, if I can sell three of my paintings at 500 bucks a pop, then I get to keep all my clothes.

Marshall: Babe, we need money fast.

Lily: Well, give me a week.

Marshall: Okay, a-a week.

Lily: Fine.

Marshall: Fine.

(Ted comes out of his room, with the red boots on.)

Ted: Pulling... Them... Off.

Ted from 2030: Lily's first move on a great art challenge of 2008 was to display one of her favorite paintings at her friend's gallery. The night didn't go so well. But then at the last minute...

Woman: I love it.

Lily: You do?

Woman: Yeah, your top. It's gorgeous. Is that 100% silk?

Lily: It's not for sale! My clothes are not for sale!

Ted from 2030: So the next day, Lily took her painting to a coffee house that displayed local artists.

Lily: We've been sitting here for hours and nobody's even glanced at my painting. Come on. Let's start talking it up.

Robin: Wow! I really like that painting! It's neat! The-the colors are neat. The-the shapes are neat. It's really just... neat. What?

Ted: Observe. I think there's a dynamic quality to the brushwork that, combined with the fluid composition, creates an almost Kandinsky-like emotional resonance.

Robin: Yes, and you can still enjoy it even if you're not a pretentious douche.

Ted: Can you clarify something for me about your critique? Are the colors "neat" or are they more "neato burrito?"

Robin: Uh, then again, red cowboy boots.

Ted: I pull these off! (Everyone is laughing at him) I pull these off!

In bed...

Abby: You know what I hate most about Ted?

Barney: What?

Abby: His stupid hair. His stupid, lame awesome hair. It's so stupid and awesome.

Barney: You know what I hate most about Ted?

Abby: What?

Barney: How he's always like, "Oh, I want to fall in love and have a relationship. I care about the people I have sex with." He's so lame.

Abby: He's so lame and awesome.

Barney: You know what he needs? He needs to see just how horrible he is when he's in a relationship.

Abby: Yeah, and I need to show Ted that I'm over him. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Barney: I think so.

Abby: You're thinking of having sex with Ted?

Ted from 2030: After four days without selling a single painting, Lily was getting desperate.

In the street

Lily: Painting for sale! $500! Lifelong dream hanging in the balance! It's like they don't even see us.

Man: Yeah, we're dirt to them. What do you need money for?

Lily: Oh, I'm trying to fix the hardwood floors in my new apartment. You?

Man: Heroin.

Lily: Do you like heroin?

Man: Love it. In fact, if you sell that, I'm going to take your money and go buy some more heroin.

Lily: Thanks for your honesty, Crazy Sock Guy. Oh, I'm never gonna sell this...

Man: It's not very good.

Ted from 2030: And just as she was about to lose all hope, something amazing happened.

Man: 2 Oh, my God!

At the Bar

(Lily arrives)

Lily: 500 bucks! Who's a real painter now, Marshall?

Marshall: Honey, I never said you weren't a real painter.

Lily: Oh, I know, sweetie. And since I'm a professional artist now, I'm going to sketch you an Aldrin original, you know, to say thanks for being such a supportive husband. I'm thinking about calling it... "Suck It!"

Marshall: Lily, come on. I'm proud of you. Who-who bought it?

Lily: Well, that's the best part. A gay couple without kids. A G-CWOK!

Ted: You bagged a G-CWOK?!

Lily: Yeah, that's right. They are the heart and soul of the art-buying community.

Ted: You know what you should do? You should call up the G-CWOKs and offer them a free painting if they throw a private art party for all their G-CWOK friends.

Lily: That's an amazing idea. I'm going to go call them. I can probably sell two more paintings with time to spare. Oh, wait, Marshall. There was something I had to tell you. What was it? Oh, that's right. Suck it.

(Barney and Abby arrives as Lily is leaving)

Barney: Ted, fancy bumping into you here. Have you guys met my girlfriend Abby?

Ted: Uh, yeah.

Barney: Hi, Abby.

Ted: Hello, Abby. So, uh, s-so you guys are dating now?

Barney: That's right. I am done with this whole being awesome thing. Now I'm all about farmers' markets and day hikes in matching khaki cargo shorts. Isn't that right, sweetie?

Abby: That's right. And girlfriends are lame. Unless they're me. I miss you, Ted.

Barney: Abby and I are in love. Not hot passionate love. Couple love. You know, movie night with my girlfriend, then waiting for her to go to bed so I can steal one pitiful moment of hollow ecstasy by the cold, blue light of my computer monitor.

Abby: We're showing Ted how lame he is.

Barney: You don't have to say it, though.

Ted: Uh, okay, Barney, you can stop.

Barney: Stop what, Ted? Stop being in love? Next he'll ask us to stop breathing.

Abby: We can't stop breathing, Ted. Your hair looks amazing.

Ted: Um, Barney, I, I see what you're doing. Please stop.

Barney: Not before I share with you what being in a relationship leads to, Ted. Abby, Pookie Bear... I am so pathetically desperate for you that... aw, heck, I'll just say it. Would you marry me?

Abby: Wait, really?

Barney: I would never joke about true love.

Abby: Yes, I'll marry you.

Barney: Okay.

Abby: Thank you, thank you. I have to call my mom.

Barney: That's you.

Ted: Uh, yeah, I don't think Abby knows you're kidding.

Barney: Uh, yes, she does.

Abby: It finally happened, Mama. I just wish Daddy were alive to walk me down the aisle.

Barney: Totally committed to the bit.

Lily's on the phone

Lily: Yes, Lily Aldrin. I sold you the painting earlier today.

Man 2: Oh, honey, hello.

Lily: You sound happy.

Man 2: Are you kidding? We're popping the champagne right now.

Lily: Well, I just wanted to offer you an exclusive chance to view some of my other paintings.

Man 2: Oh, honey, oh, sweetie, oh, I guess I should have told you. We just bought that for the frame.

Lily: What?

Man 2: Yeah, it's an original Anton Kreutzer, a very rare frame from the turn of the century.

Lily: So... y-you didn't like my painting?

Man 2: Oh, honey, oh, sweetie, no, not at all. But you know, good for you.

Lily: Okay. Well, if you didn't want the painting, can I... can I at least get it back?

Man 2: Yeah, no, we don't have it anymore.

Lily: Where is it? I see. H-He threw out my painting.

Man 2: Champagne for everyone on me, the happiest guy in the world.

At the apartment

Lily: This is great. My dream of becoming an artist is d*ad, and now I'm watching my wardrobe disappear piece by piece. There goes my favorite dress. This dress meant a lot to me.

Robin: Really?

Lily: Yeah. It was spring of 2004 and I had been having a hard few months.

[FLSHBACK]

Lily is walking up the street, a man looks at her.

Man: Da-amn.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Lily: I got a two-syllable "damn" in this dress.

Robin: A two-syllable "damn." That's the dream.

Lily: Yeah. Now she belongs to... CanadaGirl(a)MetroNewsOne.com.

Robin: It's still in the family.

(Marshall and Ted arrive)

Marshall: Lily, you're not going to believe this. Something amazing happened.

Lily: What?

Marshall: I went to the G-CWOK's apartment.

Lily: Really? Why?

Marshall: Because I felt guilty. This auction was my idea and now you've had to sit around all day while a bunch of vultures ruthlessly pick apart the carcass of your wardrobe.

Robin: It's still in the family.

Marshall: And more importantly, I honestly love that painting and I couldn't stand to think of it in a trashcan someplace.

Lily: Well, what happened?

[FLASHBACK]

Marshall and Ted arrive at the G-CWOK's apartment.

Man 2: Well, hello.

Marshall: Hi, um... Lawrence. I-I'm here about the painting my wife Lily solyou-- the one in the nice frame.

Lawrence: Talk about a nice frame. My, my, you are a big one, aren't you? And you're married to that little bit of a thing. How does that work? I'd like to find out.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Lily: Yeah, we get it. Gay guys like you.

Marshall: No, Lily, they love me, but that's not the important part.

Ted: Here's the important part.

[FLASHBACK]

Ted: Since you're clearly a man of impeccable taste and style, I-I came down here to ask you: what do you think of the boots?

Lawrence: Walter. Boots.

Walter: Pulling... Them.... Off.

Ted: I'll be in the cab.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Ted: G-CWOK-approved.

Lily: The painting!

Marshall: Right, so, um, they told me they threw it in the building's Dumpster.

[FLASHBACK]

Marshall: It wasn't in there, but the super told me that he'd seen one Dr. Greer-- a veterinarian who works in the building-- take the painting out of the trash.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Lily: Dr. Greer? Who's Dr. Greer a-and why did he take my painting?

Marshall: You're about to find out.

At the vet

Dr Greer: I had to make a trash run. Been a busy day-- lots of neuterings.

Lily: Ooh, we don't need the details.

Dr Greer: Oh, n-n-no, it's not what you think. Oh, thank God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, mostly just dog testicles.

[FLASHBACK]

Dr Greer: Anyway... I noticed your painting just sitting right there on top and I thought, "Hey,free painting," so I brought it upstairs and hung it up in Exam Room 3, and then the strangest thing happened. Hey, Muffin. Whoa, I think he remembers me from the last time he was here. Take Muffin to Exam Room 3. I'll meet you there. I went in, expecting the worst. I'd never seen Muffin that calm, and then a little later the same thing happened again with Tidbit... and King Larry... and again with the Weinstein triplets.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Dr Greer: Something about your art speaks to the canine sensibility on a very primal level.

Lily: Really? Dogs like my paintings?

Dr Greer: Yeah. But you know who it bums out? Birds. Yeah. Had a parrot in there today. He took one look at it, pried open his cage, flew right into the ceiling fan.

Marshall: Anyway, because your first painting worked so well, I convinced Dr. Greer to buy four more.

Lily: Really?

Marshall: Mm-hmm, at $500 a piece.

Lily: That's two grand. That's more than we need for the contractor.

Marshall: Yeah, but I was actually thinking we could reinvest it.

Lily: In what?

Marshall: In you.

At the apartment

Ted from 2030: Marshall explained that he was building a fancy new Web site specifically to sell Lily's artwork to veterinarians.

Lily: Well, it's not exactly the clientele I had in mind, but... thank you for believing in me.

(They kiss; a bird crashes into their window)

Marshall: Man, birds do not get you.

At Abby's

Abby: Hi, sweetie.

Barney: Hey, I think I left my tie here. Have you seen it?

Abby: No, I'm in wedding-planning mode. Stressville. Population: me. Okay, big decision. What do you think the cake should be: Fudgie the Whale or Cookie Puss?

Barney: Yeah, that was a bit. We were doing a bit.

Abby: So I'm thinking Labor Day. I was going to say Fourth of July, but I don't want to steal any attention away from America.

Barney: Abby, I've... I've got some bad news. I can't marry you.

Abby: What?

Barney: Ted begged me not to. I think he's in love with you.

Abby: Really?

Barney: Yes, our plan worked better than we ever dreamed. You have to go to him. Here's his home address. But you know what? He works late, so I wouldn't go before 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning.

Abby: Oh, my God, thank you. But now I feel wrong keeping this.

Barney: Oh, yeah, I wouldn't worry about that. That's made of candy. Later.

Marshall: Hey, go to lilyandmarshallselltheirstuff.com or charityfolks.com.

Lily: We're having an auction to rise money for the children's hospital of Los Angeles

Marshall: You could get tons of cool stuff on the sell and they all use for great cause.

Lily & Marshall: Thanks.

[END]
{"type": "series", "show": "How I Met Your Mother", "episode": "03x19 - Everything Must Go"}