Moirira and Johnny: (Moans of passion) Oh yeah! Yeah. Yeah.

David: Could you spare some a... Oh my go-oh my God!

Moira: (Shrieks) David!

Johnny: Where's my robe?!

David: Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God, what's happening?

I saw hell is what's happening. Oh my God.

What? (Door opens)

David: Oh my God.

Johnny: David, what you just saw was your mother and me...

David: I know what I saw.

Johnny: having an intimate moment.

David: I cannot unsee that!

Alexis: Oh my God, you poor thing!

Johnny: Okay, and I refuse to feel guilty about being in bed with my wife.

Alexis: Ew! Ew! Ew!

Moira: I hate to be the one to tell you, but having sex is not just about making children so they can grow up and make you feel bad about having sex.

Oh my God, can you stop this please?!

Moira: I will not be shamed. Shame on you.

David: Shame on you for attempting that position at 8 o'clock in the morning.

Moira: John?

Johnny: You know what?

David: Oh my God.

Do you know how difficult it is for us to share a wall with you two?

David: I do now.

Johnny: Yes, well, if you don't mind, we are now going back into our room and don't even think about opening that door!

Moira: Are you serious?

Johnny: Next time.

David: (Under his breath) Oh my God. (Gags)

Alexis: (Whimpers) No, no, no...

S01E05

"The Cabin"

Johnny: Roland, I just need the door fixed.

Roland: Mm-hmm?

Johnny: Okay?

My family can't keep living like this.

My wife and I, we have no privacy.

Okay, all right. I get what this is about.

You and the wife wanna bump the old uglies, huh?

Roland: (Laughs)

Johnny: I have no idea what that means.

Having a little problem down there below there, Johnny boy, huh?

No, there's no problem, Roland, I just need the locks fixed!

It's okay, I get it. I get it, captain.

You've been a out to sea for a while you wanna bring the boat into port and maybe... get your mast scrubbed.

What're you guys down to now? Like... twice a day?

Okay, this is a conversation you and I will never have, all right?

I just need the door fixed.

Well, how 'bout I do you one better?

We got a cabin up by the lake.

It's just a little love nest for the lady and me.

You know, when we wanna spark the old spark from time to time.

My gift to you and yours for the night.

So generous, but I'm gonna take a pass.

Jocelyn: Hey, Johnny.

Johnny: Jocelyn?

Jocelyn: How are you?

Johnny: Uh, good. Good.

Roland: Sex life's in the crapper. I just offered him the cabin.

That is so not true.

Jocelyn: I knew something was wrong.

Johnny: N-nothing is wrong.

You should take the cabin.

I wouldn't wanna see your relationship get any worse.

No, our relationship is fine. It's just a privacy issue...

Roland: Johnny, Johnny, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Take the cabin, okay?

And feel free to use the restraints.

We keep 'em under the bed, so...

Johnny: Thank you. Thank you.

Jocelyn: Pick a safe word.

Roland: Mm.

Johnny: (Sighs)

I, for one, think we should take them up on their offer.

I can't believe what I'm hearing here.

We're talking about Roland's place.

Who knows what the hell we're gonna find up there?

Moira: Well, we can't share any real intimacy here in this internment camp, John, and I don't want to turn into my parents.

Separate beds, separate rooms.

Well, separate countries.

Exactly! A bad marriage!

Hey, if you're willing to give this a sh*t, I'm game.

Moira: You're game.

Johnny: Yeah.

Moira: Okay. I'll play.

Actually, I have a good feeling about this, John.

Johnny: You know, I'm starting to get a pretty good feeling myself.

Are you?

David: Oh my God! Am I being punished for something?

David, are you dirty peeping tom?

I don't' think parenting books would approve of you saying that to me.

I'm here to grab a magazine, and go back and leave you guys to whatever disgusting...

Moira: Stay.

Johnny: Stick around, stick around.

Moira: Alexis?

Johnny: Alexis!

They're done!

Your father and I have some very important news.

If you tell me that you're pregnant, I'm gonna vomit on this floor right now.

Moira: Oh, can you imagine?

Johnny: We're planning a trip.

David: Okay.

Johnny: Just to a cabin, overnight...

And we request that the two of you not try to contact us for the next 24 hours.

I really appreciate you doing that for me.

I'm doing it for us.

Well, it's to my benefit.

Alexis: Um, why don't you guys stay at the cabin for longer?

Oh, I would never just abandon you two in a motel in the middle of nowhere.

David: Didn't you once take the wrong baby home from preschool?

Alexis looked Chinese as an infant.

How many times must I defend myself?

So we're good then? Thank you.

David: No, thank you.

Johnny: No, thank you.

David: Honestly, thank you.

Johnny: Enough, David!

Moira: Thank you so much for the loan of your cabin and your truck.

Roland: Looks like you folks got a lot of gear here, huh?

Is that the tickle trunk? (Smarmy laugh)

It's just clothes.

Roland: Yeah, okay, but just keep in mind there's only 60 amp service there, so don't be pluggin' a lot of gadgets in all at once, if you know what I mean.

Yet another disturbing look into his world.

Roland: All right, directions.

Super easy, Johnny. Here's what I want you to do.

Okay, I want you take highway 10 to Loon Lake Road north, okay?

I want you to take a right there.

There's gonna be a split in the fence, I want you to go left at that split, and keep going.

Go through the intersection of Loon Lake Road south, okay?

And then you're gonna find Pine Road.

Now you go up Pine Road, I want you take a right at that big oak tree, all right?

It's old, it's big, you can't miss it.

You go down the hill to the left and we're the third cabin on the right, okay?

The key's under the mat.

Johnny: Got it.

Moira: Really?

Johnny: Key is under the mat.

So I think I'm gonna go next door because your mess is making me anxious.

What mess?

David: You know how clean my apartment was in New York.

It was so clean. It was really clean.

Well, it was very clean because you had a maid to keep it very clean for you.

No. I kept it clean after Cecilia cleaned.

Anyway, I think it's best if we just take some space and um...

I am looking forward to sleeping in a bed that his not... made for a toddler.

Okay. I'll just chill here in my own space and...

David: Yeah.

Alexis: Maybe I'll do a mask or something and... check in with myself and see how I'm doing...

Okay, so we're good?

Alexis: Yeah.

David: Okay. See you tomorrow.

Okay. (Door closes)

(Bedding rustles)

(Relaxing sigh, book pages rustle)

(Door creaks shut)

I'm out of mask.

I was so bored in there!

I'm sorry to hear that.

Alexis: Okay, so I think that we should take advantage of mom and dad being gone.

David: I am.

Alexis: Okay, but like throwing a party or something.

David: No. Absolutely not.

Alexis: Just a tiny, little, casual motel party.

Okay, Alexis, I have no interest in finding out what types of people are attracted to "casual motel parties."

Alexis: But you do have an interest in lounging on a bed that mom and dad have had sex all over?

David: Why would you do that to me right now?

David, I just... I miss my life! And I miss doing things.

And I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think that I'm... funny, and smart, and charming.

Will you? Just a few people. Please. You can't tell me that you don't wanna hang out with people other than me.

David: Obviously.

Alexis: Okay, so...?

David: Okay, fine. Something small.

Alexis: Yes!

David: Like a little games night.

Yes, like a small, little games night party.

No. Like a little games night period.

Okay, fine. And then, if it turns into something else, it turns into something else.

Well, it won't 'cause there's only six people invited.

Any more and game play gets too yelly.

It gets very yelly.

Okay, this party is gonna be...

David: It's not a party.

Alexis: awesome!

David: It's not a party.

Alexis: So. Much. Fun!

I'm so excited!

(Door bangs shut)

(Insects chirp, birds Twitter)

(Truck rumbles to a stop)

(Engine cuts out, doors creak open and bang shut)

Johnny: Hey, not bad! Rustic but nice, huh?

The great outdoors, Moira.

I am shocked and delighted.

Yes. I have to say I was nervous about this, but I've gotta hand it to Roland, he came through.

He's moron!

(Pots and dishes clatter)

Key's under the mat, is it?

The key is under the mat!

(Ripping sound)

Agh! That's great! Lying son-of-a...

(pan crashes on floor)

Agh! Idiot man!

Moron!

Ha! Oh, good.

Moira: John?!

Johnny: Yeah! Coming, honey!

I'm coming.

(Blows out his breath)

(Lock clicks)

Well hellooooo.

Oh, my car broke down and it's raining, and I wondered if I might spend the night.

Well, first let's get you out of those... dry clothes and we'll see where the night takes us.

David: So I need to flesh out this games night thing.

Between you and my sister, and the barn guy and that girl in the restaurant, we have 5, and obviously we need an even 6 for ultimate game play.

Stevie: Well, what if I'm not a games person?

David: We're far too similar for you not to be, so...

Options, please.

Obviously they need to be funny, and smart, and have well-rounded sense of humour and a wide range of knowledge.

Oh, all those types of people move away from here.

David: That's funny.

Stevie: No, I'm serious.

Stevie: Ooh, what about Eric?

David: Hmm?

He finished high school.

I don't love his look.

Oh, looks are important? Oh... Why don't we throw a pageant?

Trust me, if I had time, we would, but we don't, so...

What about Sarah? She's cute and speaks english.

Hmm? Mm...

She get it?

Stevie: Get what?

Like "get it" get it. It, like the vibe.

Understand that games night needs to run a certain way, otherwise it won't work.

Can I be on your team? You sound really fun.

David: Listen, you don't have to help me out if you don't want to.

David: I can find someone else.

Stevie: Really?

David: Mm-hmm.

Stevie: Okay.

David: Well, it's-okay.

Stevie: Have fun.

David: Okay.

Stevie: My money's on the other team.

(Receding footsteps, cars rumble by)

(door opens)

David: Hi. (Door clicks shut)

Can I help you?

Yeah, I just uh... Came to apologize.

For what?

For uninviting you to games night.

You did not uninvite me. I uninvited myself.

Mm-hmm. Okay, well, um...

I would really like it if you came and I would really love it if you could bring... one other person of your choosing.

So it doesn't matter if they don't blend?

M-mm-mm.

And this doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you couldn't find anybody else to come?

(Scoffs) No. What? No. I...

You are a very bright, funny person, with a wide range of useful knowledge and the fact that we don't have an ideal number for team style game-play, is not... not why I'm here.

You're such a liar.

And I was bluffing when I said I wasn't coming.

I just wanted to see you beg, so...

David: Okay.

Stevie: I'll put out some feelers, but, you know, such short notice, all the town hotties will have plans.

I'll see you tonight! Yeah, thanks.

David: Thank you.

Stevie: Welcome.

Moira: This place is almost charming. Very rustic cottage.

I was half expecting early b*mb.

Johnny: Oh, look! Roland and Jocelyn.

Moira: Who are the other two?

Johnny: Well, that's Bob. He's on the town council.

Moira: And his partner?

Roland has gay friends! Again, shocked and delighted.

I think that's his wife.

Moira: No, they're both called husband.

Look at the them smiling away.

What have they got to be so happy about?

Johnny: Well, they have no money issues. That's why they're so happy.

Yeah, they just don't know any better.

(Birds sing, crickets chirp)

David: So, Eric, how do you know Stevie?

Eric: She used to be my babysitter.

Great. Wow. Okay.

And how are your... Trivia skills?

Eric: My what?

David: Oh my God.

Okay. Good choice. Good choice.

(Knock at the door)

Alexis: (Squeals excitedly)

(Door opens)

You guys came. Together. That's so cute! Come in!

Twyla, you look amazing!

Mutt, you look like a mill dollars.

Twyla: Okay, so I brought this pie from work but on the way, I realized I didn't check what kind so there's a 50/50 chance there's meat in it.

Alexis: Oh my God, that's so cute. Thank you.

David: Okay, so it's 8:15. It's 8:15.

We should have started at 8. So... fifteen minutes late, let's sit down and I will... explain the game.

Alexis: And I would just like to thank everybody so much for coming.

This is the first social thing that I've done in like a really long time, so let's just have so much fun and we'll just see where the night takes us.

David: Well, it'll take us to a three part games night that ends at 10.

Alexis: Okay, well, we'll see.

David: Okay, so let's start.

Alexis: Okay.

David: Let's start by putting down 10 famous names onto the pieces of paper in front of you.

Mutt: I don't think I can fit ten names on this piece of paper.

David: That's funny. That's funny. No. One per piece of paper.

Ten pieces of paper, ten names.

Eric: Who should I put down?

David: I can't tell you that, Eric,

'cause that would wreck the game.

Eric: So then how do I know what to put?

David: Oh my God.

Stevie: (Whispers) Relax.

Twyla: Can you put yourself down?

Alexis: Oh, okay, who wants a sh*t? Because I do.

David: No, we need to finish putting the names down first.

(Knock at the door)

David: Who's that?

Alexis: Okay, I may or may not have invited a few other people.

David: What kind-who?

I don't know. I met them on the way home.

(Running footsteps, door clicks open)

Alexis: Hey!

Dane: Hey.

Alexis: How are you?

Dane: Good, good.

Alexis: Good. Hey!

Dane: Hey, kids.

Stevie... Mutt... Twyla.

Stevie: Hey, Dane.

David: Who the... Bleep... is this?

He's the worst, okay? So just breathe through it.

David: Hi. David Rose. Oh... 'Kay.

So we have split into teams and that's an odd number, so we're... stuck.

No worries. We're here for the party. Keg's in the truck.

What kegs? No one ordered a keg.

David, can you please not be rude in front of...

Dane: Dane.

Alexis: Dane?

Eric: So now what?

David: (Jumps) Oh, God!

In the bowl, Eric. Put them in the...

(Papers rustle, pen clatters)

(Crickets chirp)

Johnny: Wow.

Moira: Yeah.

I can't see out of one eye.

But I'm still alive, that's the main thing.

(Sighs) I'm hungry. Should I go get...

No! No. You don't have to get anything.

I will get some food, I will get the wine.

You... have done more than enough.

(Wine glasses clink)

Bob: Oh good, you're done.

We uh... we didn't wanna interrupt.

Johnny: What're doing here?

Bob: Oh, just finishing off the latest Harold Zable novel.

(Chuckles) You ever read him?

How long have you been here?

Quite a while.

Yeah, you seemed to have a little trouble there, getting going.

And, uh, well, we uh...

We didn't think you needed the extra pressure on you, so...

Gwen: Oh, hi! You're good.

Moira: And you are?

Bob: I'm Bob, this is my wife Gwen, and, uh, this is our cabin.

Johnny: Oh, no, no, no. This is Roland and Jocelyn's cabin.

Gwen: No, they're a mile up the road.

Bob: Big tree, a fence. You can't miss it.

(Awkward silence, Johnny sighs)

David: She died! She's a d*ad person!

Twyla: Marilyn Monroe!

David: No! She helps people!

Twyla: Oprah.

Stevie: Calcutta! Calcutta!

David: Calcutta! The lepers!

She's the mother... She's a mother...

David: It's not your turn, Alexis!

Twyla: Princess Diana.

Stevie and David: No! She's...

David: The lepers in Calcutta, she helps them.

Stevie: Lepers! Lepers!

David: There's all these lepers.

Alexis: Stop yelling at her though!

David: It's the point of the game is the yell!

She's a mother and has your cousin's name.

Twyla: Teresa?

Twyla: Mother Teresa!

Alexis: Yes!

David: You can't say mother! You can't say mother!

Mutt: She wasn't getting it.

David: That's the point!

Anyway, no points for them. We have to start this again.

Dane: This party's terrible.

David: Excuse me?

Alexis: Okay, so then, hey, why don't we do something else, like a drinking game.

David: No! Absolutely not!

Every time the vein in my brother's eye twitches, we take a drink.

David: Why would you bring up my eye in front of all these people?

(Knock at the door)

David: Who is that?!

Alexis: Calm down.

Dane thought he should just invite over a few more of his friends, so...

David: Oh, did he?

Alexis: Yeah.

Dane: Who's up for strip poker?

David: Okay, you know what? I'm out. No, that's it.

I'm gonna call it a night. I'm gonna pack it in.

Eric, don't look at my eye!

Alexis: Why are you being such an old woman?

I'm sorry that I wanted to have fun tonight and invite a few random guys over and try and make out with them, okay?

You're not the only one dying in this town.

It is boring and I am just trying to make the best of it.

I'm really sorry everybody. No offense, okay?

Twyla: I'm well-versed in family conflict...

David: I'm sure you are. Alexis?

If you want to party, have a party.

But I have a queen bed next door with my name on it and I have been looking forward to sleeping in that bed all day, so...

Mutt: Maybe we should go.

Alexis: No. You know what, guys? It's totally fine.

David, I would love it if you would come and party with us, but it's totally up to you.

David: And I'm totally gonna go. So everybody have a good night.

I don't know who you are!

Dane, put that down and get off my bed!

No one on my bed tonight. And don't-no one throw up!

(Door slams shut)

So his eye twitched five times, so drink up, bitches!

Guys: All right!

Alexis: Woo!

Dane: sh*ts! All right. Ready and...

Johnny: And once again, my apologies.

Moira: And I'm sorry, I don't know how to make a bed.

Johnny: And I may have damaged your corkscrew, Bob.

Bob: You broke it in half.

(Door rattles as Johnny struggles)

Johnny: Okay, the door, it won't open. The door won't open.

Bob: It's locked.

Johnny: Oh, it's locked.

Moira: What do you want from us?

Bob: Yes, it's... it's locked to prevent strangers from coming into the cabin.

See, uh, we didn't realize that, uh, strangers would already be in the cabin when we locked it.

Johnny: I see. Oh. Okay.

Moira: Bye!

Johnny: There we go.

Moira: Thank you. Bye.

Johnny: You've been consummate hosts, really. Fantastic day.

(Door bangs shut)

(Music plays)

Twyla: Hey, Mutt, can you pass me a drink? Um...

(Door bangs shut, muted chatter through door)

Stevie: Sorry. Hey!

David: Hi!

Here's the thing.

Um, I'm sorry that you and your sister are in a domestic, and I'm sorry that I invited Eric.

That joke was funnier in theory.

Bad joke.

But I'm gonna need you to come back in there.

David: Why?

Because I don't really like most of those people and, believe it or not, we are in the middle of a very intense game of drunken charades and my team is losing. Badly.

Well, that's not really my thing.

It's not my thing either, but you were right; We're way too similar and I am having a very hard time losing, so...

I will happily let you get back to this big queen bed if you'll just help us win a few more rounds.

Just need somebody sober.

David: I can't...

Stevie: Please.

Go back in there. It's embarrassing.

They are way too drunk to remember.

(Sighs)

Just two winning rounds and then it's over.

Then you can go back to your book.

David: Fine. Fine. Two rounds.

Stevie: You can go back to sleep.

David: Quick. Quick rounds.

Stevie: Thank you.

David: Fine.

Stevie: Thank you.

Stevie: And just don't look at the stain on your bed, and we'll mime something special.

David: What stain?

Stevie: Uh...

David: You're lucky I'm good at this game.

Dane: Yes! A mexican...

Alexis: Just get this one!

Moira: Are you sure you don't want to call a tradesman or someone, John?

Moira, I don't need a tradesman.

I can handle a screwdriver, okay?

This is working out just... fine.

(Grunts of effort) And... that... is... in.

Look at this.

(Opens and closes door)

Instant lock.

Moira: Yes, let me tell you, Eddie.

You look awfully good in that blue collar.

Johnny: (Voice-breaking twang) Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Rose.

I don't often get compliments when I'm fixing doors.

Oh, Edward, I'm afraid I must tell you, I shan't be able to pay you today.

(Voice-breaking twang) Well, that's okay, Mrs. Rose.

Maybe there's um... some other way you can pay me, if you get my drift.

(Door rips open, lock jingles uselessly)

Did you take my mask?

Thank you.

(Door bangs shut)

(Voice-breaking twang) Well, maybe I'll use a bigger screw, Mrs. Rose.

Don't you go anywheres.

Moira: I'll be right here, Eddie.
{"type": "series", "show": "Schitt's Creek", "episode": "01x05 - The Cabin"}