Jared, it's just that your new take on weight loss is contrary to our commetment to good health.

Jared:	How so?

Subway Representative:	Well, your new slogan, for instance. [clears his throat] "When it comes to fitness, Subway goes hand in hand with aides."

Jared:	[softly] Ah hah. [he rises and leaves the "SANDWICH MARKETING" building with hands in pockets. He closes the door and walks away dejectedly. He passes a basketball court where a few people are sh**ting baskets. He looks at them as he passes by. Then he stops, looks at the camera, sighs, and ]

Singer 2:	His name is Jared. Jared lost weight eating Subway and ... sandwiches of

[Flex Gym Fitness Club, day]

Cartman:	[heard from the outside] Come on, Butters, you gotta get skinny again! [the camera goes inside. People are exercising on all sorts of equipment. A woman runs by on a track on the second floor. Butters is pulling at a rowing machine as Cartman spots him. Cartman is eating Cheesy Poofs and barking orders] You are such a flabby hunk of crap!! Look at those jelly rolls!! Jelly rolls I tell ya!! You still got seven chins, boah!! You'll never be thin!! Nobody loves you!!

Butters:	[looks at Cartman] Wuh hey now, they do too! Uh, my mom and dad - love me even if I am fat.

Cartman:	[normal] Butters, I'm just trying to offer some motivational help here.

Butters:	Well alright then.

Cartman:	[barking] ROW you fat bitch!! Look at those jelly rolls!! Nobody loves you!! You're not even a person!!

[Jared's dressing room, day. Jared paces the room eating a sub sandwich]

Jared:	I never asked to be famous; now everyone hates me! I almost wish I had never gotten aides! [his aides come in]

Tyler:	Hey now, come on. What kind of talk is that?

Jared:	I'm sorry, guys, but I...I think I wanna be aides-free for a while.

Scott:	Come on, Jared, lighten up! People don't hate you.

Tyler:	Yeah. Maybe they're all just jealous that they can't afford to hire their own aides.

Jared:	[brightening] Wait a minute... you're right! [moves towards the camera] Yeah! I think I know how to be a celebrity again! [heads for the door]

[City Wok, outside, later. Cartman and Kyle wait on Stan as he arrives]

Stan:	Did you bring the camera?

Kyle:	Yeah, we're all set.

Cartman:	[steps in between them] Guys, I think this might be a good time to discuss some business.

Kyle:	Well what do you mean?

Cartman:	Well, when City Wok sees how skinny Butters is, they're not gonna want him to just make one commercial, they're gonna want several.

Stan:	That's true. Jared did like a hundred for Subway Sandwiches.

Cartman:	I think we're looking at a non-exclusive two-year fifty-picture deal here. My calculations put that at about four million dollars.

Kyle:	Wow. [he and Stan are awed]

Cartman:	Now, I think the four million should be split evenly among the three of us, except that I should get a twenty percent pernegation fee off the gross for having come up with the idea.

Butters:	[arrives as Cartman speaks] Hey fellas.

Stan:	Butters?? What the hell are you doing??

Kyle:	Yeah, you're still fat!

Butters:	Well, I know, ah I can't seem to lose it.

Cartman:	Well we're supposed to sh**t yoru commercial today, you fat piece of crap!

Butters:	Well ah I don't know what to tell ya. Losin' weight is harder than puttin' it on.

Cartman:	No it isn't, stupid blubberbutt!!

Stan:	[Kyle finally produces the camera] Did you eat only once ounce of City Wok like we told you??

Butters:	Well uhyeah, but ah, I don't know...

Kyle:	Why are you doing this to us?

[Butters' house, later. The boys have prepared a makeshift operating table on the coffee table in the livingn room. Kyle reads from a medical book, Cartman has a suction tube and pail, and Stan is overseeing the operation]

Stan:	All prepared for liposuction surgery?

Cartman:	Check.

Butters:	Uh, I don't know about this, fellas.

Stan:	[sh**t back] Hey, you're the one who screwed us by not losing weight, Butters. [Cartman makes sure the scalpel is sharp]

Kyle:	[faces Stan] Okay, it says here the operation begins with a one-inch incision in the ab-do-men on the left side just above the hip.

Cartman:	That should blah [babbles a bit] ah here. [cuts into Butters' abdomen]

Butters:	[reacts] Woahhh!

Cartman:	Oh stop your bitchin' Butters! Kenny woulda took it like a man!

Kyle:	Okay, now put one end of the tube a half an inch into the incision. [Cartman picks up one end of the tube and inserts it into the incision]

Cartman:	Alrighty.

Butters:	Whoa. I think this is a bad idea, fellas. I feel woozy.

Cartman:	Alright, I think it's in. [turns around]

Kyle:	The liposuction is a process of siphoning out the excess fat. [Cartman stalls, then picks up the other end and starts sucking the fat out]

Cartman:	[spits out the hose as soon as the fat hits his lips] Bohogh, egh. [puts the hose into the pail for the fat to collect]

Butters:	Waaaahh.

Cartman:	There it goes.

Kyle:	Alright, it's working!

Cartman:	[wipes away a bit of fat remaining on his lips] Aw man, it tastes like that, um, you know that cream-chipped-beef stuff that Chef makes sometimes.

Butters:	Aahh heh ahh, I don't feel very good.

Stan:	Shut up, Butters, it's your own damned fault.

Butters:	Everything's getting dark...

Stan:	We've gotta hurry this up. [moves behnd the coffee table to Butter's belly and starts pounding on it. The fat begins flowing out faster]

Cartman:	[looks at the fat flowing out] Oh yeah, keep doing that. That's working good.

Stan:	He's losing weight. [Kyle smiles]

Cartman:	Oh, whoa. Whoa! [the fat rushes out so quickly the tube begins to buck, splattering fat and blood all over the place]

Kyle:	It's out of control! [Stan has stopped pounding, but the fat is pulsing out and Cartman can't control it.. Butters gets thinner by the second and headed for shock]

Butters:	Whoa, everything's getting sparkly. [the sound of a car pulling up is heard]

Stan:	Oh no, dude, Butters' parents are home.

Cartman:	Oh, crap!

Stan:	Dude, bail! [the three boys rush out the back door, then the front door opens and Butter's parents walk in. The living room is a mess]

Linda:	Butters? BUTTERS??

Butters:	[listlessly] Mom. Dad.

Chris:	Butters. Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth!

Butters:	Yes sir.

Linda:	This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you not to have self-performed liposuction surgery in our house?!

Butters:	Four times, mom.

Chris:	Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your room right now, mister!

Butters:	Yes, sir. [rises and... struggles. He falls off the coffee table to the floor. Chris isn't fazed, but Linda is affected]

Chris:	Oh huh don't you give us that look young man! You're gonna get it!

[News 4 News, day. A field reporter stands in front of the Mayor's office. The mayor and her aides are present]

Reporter:	Tom, I'm standing out in front of the Mayor's office, where the big liar, Jared, is once again about to speak. Apparently, Jared hopes to regain his celebrity hero status, which was lost when he announced that it was AIDS, not sub sandwiches, that caused him to lose weight. Let's listen in.

[The podium. Jared stands behind it]

Jared:	Ladies and gentlemen, a- at first I didn't understand why you felt betrayed by the fact that my aides helped me to lose weight, but now I understand that it isn't fair that- I had aides and most of you don't. And so, with all the money I've made from commercials, I have decided to start the Aides for Everyone Foundation!

Jimbo:	What??

Jared:	I am going to personally see to it that each and every one of you gets aides! [a long silence follows as the audience just looks at Jared]

Mayor McDaniels:	This guys' insane.

Jared:	But I won't stup there. I'm gonna seek out all the underprivileged and hungry children of the world, and I'm giong to give them aides myself!

Chef:	You're gonna give children AIDS?!

Jared:	Yes, it is my hope that every beautiful child on this earth has aides by next month! Aides for everyone!! [another long silence]

Skeeter:	Get him! [the crowd begins to move forward angrily and Jared leaved the podium]

[Butters' house, some days later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman show up at the front door, and Cartman rings the bell]

Stan:	Come on, Butters. Time to go.

Butters:	Uh go where?

Kyle:	To City Wok so we can make our money. God!

Butters:	I can't go anywhere, fellas. I've been grounded for havin' lipo-suction... surgery. [lifts his short to show the bandage over the scar]

Stan:	What?

Butters:	Wuh well I told you my parents would be sore, and they said for... havin' liposuction surgery, I can't play outside for five days.

Cartman:	Dude, we just need you to come down to City Wok real quick so they can see how skinny you are!

Butters:	[counts off] Well you guys have already got me in dutch for gettin' fat, and then I got in double-dutch for... havin' liposuction, and now you're askin' me to be in triple dutch?! [moves his hands palms down to wash his hands of any more trouble] Huh uh! I'll never be that dutch!

Stan:	...Kenny would have done it.

Kyle:	Yup.

Cartman:	Do you guys remember what a cool friend Kenny was? [whispers] God. [normally] He was always up for helpin' us out; man, he was the best friend ever.

Butters:	Look, fellas, I can't do it! My mom and dad call in every hour from work to make sure I am here. If I don't answer the ph-phone, it'll tell 'em I'm up to no good!

Cartman:	Alright alright, I'll stay here and answer the phone for you.

Butters:	No- but you don't sound like me.

Cartman:	[begins sounding something like Butters. Kyle looks on] Well you don't sound like me. My name is Butters and I'm a little p*ssy who won't halp his friends make money.

Kyle:	Wow, that was pretty good.

Stan:	Alright, it's settled.Come on, Butters. [pulls Butters out the door. Cartman enters the hosue]

Cartman:	Don't forget, a third of that four million dollars is mine! [the others leave and he closes the door]

[Stotch living room, inside. Cartman moves to the sofa]

Cartman:	Eh. [makes himself comfortable on the sofa and turns on the TV. He grunts a bit] Eh. Yeah. [the phone rings; he answers] Well hello?

Chris:	[at an office full of cubicles] I'm just checkig in on you, Butters. [a woman walks down the aisle behind him] Heh- Do I hear the television? We told you no television while you're grounded!

Cartman:	Oh, gee whiz, I'm not.. uhwatchin' television, Dad, I'm just... layin' around jackin' it.

Chris:	Jacking it? Jacking what?

Cartman:	Well my hot spicy boner, of course, Dad.

Chris:	What?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?!

Cartman:	Well ah, loosen up, you vaginal belch.

Chris:	Oh!! You are gonna get it, mister!! You just wait till I get home!1

Cartman:	Bring it on, q*eer bait. [hangs up] Aaaahhhh, yes! [puts his arms behind his head, quite satisfied with himself]

[Day, somewhere. Jared has a bat and is beating the hell out of something...]

Jared:	...I tell my [paf] girlfriend I have aides and she leaves, I tell the [paf] world to get aides and they think I'm crazy, I offer to give aides to kids and everyone wants me [paf] d*ad! [the camera pulls back and the thing Jared is beating is a d*ad horse. Literally] What's wrong with [paf] aides?! Why doesn't anyone want me to give them [paf] aides?! [the crowd arrives with torches, charging noisily]

Mr. Garrison:	There he is, beatin' that d*ad horse!

Man in Crowd:	Alright!

Jimbo:	Let's get him! [the crowd charges forward and Jared runs away again]

Jared:	Aahhh!!

[City Wok. Stan, Kyle, and Butters arrive and enter]

City Wok Owner:	Welcome t'Shitty Wok. Take your order prease.

Kyle:	We have great news! Our friend has lost forty pounds eating your City Wok food. Here's the before and after photos.

City Wok Owner:	He lose weight eating Shitty Wok?

Stan:	That's right! So now you can pay us to use him in your commercials and you'll have your very own Jared!

City Wok Owner:	Oh no, no way! I not putting no Jared in my Shitty Wok commercial

Kyle:	Uh why not?

City Wok Owner:	Don't you know? Everybody hate Jared. He want everyone in world to havd AIDS. He sick in the head.

Stan:	What??

City Wok Owner:	I don't want Shitty Wok have nothing to do with Jared land his AIDS.

Stan:	Wait. Everyone hates Jared now?

City Wok Owner:	Yah they, they gonna k*ll him. They gonna k*ll Jared downtown right now.

Stan:	Awgh, come on guys, we gotta sort this out. [the boys exit the store]

[Butters' house, living room. Cartman has eaten quite a bit of food (soda, milk, candy, Cheesy Poofs) and is watching TV - a Terrance & Phillip episode. Only their voices are heard]

Phillip:	Here's a man's fart for ya. [farts, laughs]

Terrance:	God no! [laughs again, and Cartman joins in. The phone rings] Oh, Phillip, your anthr*x has given me colon cancer!

Cartman:	[answering] Hello?

Linda:	[calling in from her office] Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset!

Cartman:	Yeah, well, Dad's being a little p*ssy, Mom.

Linda:	[stunned, then] Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?!

Cartman:	Uh not from you dumbasses, that's for sure.

Linda:	Oh, you just weit till I get home, mister!!

Cartman:	Oh, I'll be waiting with horse bells on, you old... horse-bangin' skank. [hangs up] Hah. [resumes eating]

Terrance:	Ey! There's some anthr*x over there! [farts, then roars with laughter]

Phillip:	Oh no, hahahahahahaha.

[Downtown, Mayor's office, outside, day. The corwd has captured Jared and taken him back downtown. A gallows is set up and Jared has had the noose placed around his neck. Two men finish and walk off. The Mayor stands off to one side with her aides.]

Jared:	Why did I ever do those stupid commercials?

Mayor McDaniels:	Alright, Jared, you sick pervert! Do you have anything to say before you die??

Kyle:	[offscreen] Wait! [the boys run up to the gallows platform] You're all making a mistake!

Chef:	Stand back, children! Jared wants to give you AIDS!

Stan:	No, you don't understand. Jared doesn't have "AIDS" aids, he has assistants. Two guys that help him lose weight that he calls his aides.

People in Crowd:	[softly] Oh.

Mayor McDaniels:	You mean, Jared's aides are like my aides?

Jared:	Yes. ...Y-you mean you all thought...? Oh my Gosh!

Skeeter:	Oh boy, do I feel stupid.

Gerald:	Oh we're so sorry, Jared

Jared:	No no, hey it was my fault. I can't believe I I, I didn't think of what I was saying! [giggles]

Chef:	Eh so he was saying, children should have help like he had! [laughs]

Randy:	Yeah! That has got to be about the biggest misunderstanding EVER!! [several people laugh]

Jared:	[laughing] Oh my God! I told my girlfriend I wanted her to share my "AIDS" - oh, no wonder she left!

Mr. Garrison:	[laughing] Cuh-can you imagine what we thought when you said, "Aides for Everyone Foundation"?

Jared:	Oh, brother!

Skeeter:	Aha- [stops and realizes something] ...Hey. We're all laughing. [everyone stops and listens]

Mr. Mackey:	Uh hey, yeah. We, we woulda never laughed about this before.

Randy:	Well don't you see what this means? It's been 22.3 years, so... AIDS is finally funny!

People in Crowd:	Ooohhh.

Mayor McDaniels:	He's right. It happened!

Jimbo:	Hey everybody! AIDS is finally funny!

People in Crowd:	Alright! Yay! Woohoo! [fireworks come up out of nowhere] Hooray!

Mr. Mackey:	I knew it would be funny someday! [laughs] AIDS!

Mr. Garrison:	Then it's time! We can undo the banner! [fanfare comes up, and a man pulls a curtain away to reveal a huge golden plaque reading "AIDS IS FINALLY FUNNY" Ooohs and aaahs follow.]

[Cut to Times Square, where the crawl reads "3-06-02 AIDS HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY DECLARED FUNNY"]

New Yorker:	Hooray!

[Cut to Mayor's office, outside. Everyone now has party hats on and are celebrating. The field reporter resumes reporting]

Reporter:	Tom, I'm standing in the town square where just moments ago it was declared that AIDS... can finally be joked about. What a great day for humanity

Mr. Garrison:	[laughs, then] "AIDS quilt" [resumes laughing. The crowd disperses and the City Wok owner finds the boys]

City Wok Owner:	Oh boy, this is fantastic! I so grad AIDS is funny now.

Stan:	Okay, so now, do you wanna use our friend in your commercials?

City Wok Owner:	Sure. Can I pay you fifteen dowlar

Stan:	Fifteen dowlar? But... Jared got millions!

City Wok Owner:	Hey, I'm not a-Subway, I Shitty Wok. Shitty Wok don't have... million dollars.

Stan:	[takes off his hat and throws it on the ground] Oh God-damnit

Kyle:	Aw, just forget the whole thing then!

City Wok Owner:	Okay. [walks off, returns] Hey, you kids know why chicken cross the road?

Stan:	Why?

City Wok Owner:	'Cause it has AIDS. [laughs. The boys just look at him oddly] AIDS so funny! [walks away laughing]

Stan:	Well, so much for our money.

Kyle:	Yeah, but you know, I've learned something today. It would have been wrong to exploit Butters' weight loss. Becuase then lots of fat people would have believed it. And then gone and eaten a ton of Chinese food instead of dieting properly. They'd still be fat and, we'd be responsible for their shattered dreams.

Butters:	Yeah, I don't like shattering fat people's dreams. Besides, I'd get grounded. [gasps] Oh, Jesus! I'm supposed to be grounded! [rushes away]

[Butters' house, minutes later. Butters rushes to the front door ]

Butters:	Huh. Huh, uh, uh.

Cartman:	[opens the door in anticipation] There you are, Butters!

Butters:	[nervous] Wuh-are my... mom and dad back home yet?

Cartman:	No, but they're due home any minute. Come on, you're just in time!

Butters:	Hoh boy! Mom and Dad didn't... find out I... left the house, did they?

Cartman:	No, I totally covered for you. They completely believed I was you on the phone.

Butters:	Hu-oh! Goody!

Cartman:	Here you go. [hands Butters some drawings] I drew some pictures with crayons so it looks like you were here all day. And I ate a little food so it looks like you ate, and I fed your cat.

Butters:	Uh perfect.

Cartman:	Alright I'd better get out of here before they get back. [makes his way to the door]

Butters:	Uh hey, uh Eric? [Cartman turns around] Uh thanks for coverin' for me. You're a real pal.

Cartman:	Butters, it was my pleasure. [pulls out his mittens and opens the door, then puts them on. He heads for the sidewalk humming a late night theme song, then turns around to frame the house with his fingers, then walks away]

[Butters' house, outside. Cartman, still humming, returns with a beach chair, some popcorn, and soda, and sets them up on the front lawn. Then he sits down to look at the coming show. Two cars pull up: it's Butters' parents rushing home. They exit their cars and head for the door angrily. They enter...]

Butters:	Hi, Mom and Dad!

Chris:	Don't you "Hi, Mom and Dad!" us, you little punk!! [punch]

Butters:	Ow. Dad?

Linda:	You don't even know the trouble you're in, mister!! [punch]

Butters:	Ah! What did I do? What did I do?

Chris:	You think you're touigh now? Answer me!! [a belt is heard coming off and whipping Butters]

Butters:	Aaaa!! [the beating continues]

Cartman:	Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now.

[End of Jared Has Aides]
{"type": "series", "show": "South Park", "episode": "06x01 - Jared Has Aides"}