PART FIVE (MINDWARP)

Written by Philip Martin

Original air date: 04 October, 1986
Run time: 24:42

Trial room

Valeyard: Members of the court, we have just witnessed a typical glorious escapade of the Doctor.

The Doctor: Madam! I ask that the court protect me from the abuse of the Brickyard here.

Valeyard: How pathetic and juvenile are your attempts at humour.

Inquisitor: Gentlemen, may I remind you this is a court of law, not a debating society for maladjusted, psychotic sociopaths. You will both conduct yourselves in an orderly manner and show proper respect for the judicial procedure. I hope I make myself very clear.

Inquisitor: And Doctor, the prosecuting counsel's title is the Valeyard. Not the brickyard, backyard, knacker's yard or any other kind of yard. Again, do I make myself clear?

The Doctor: Piercingly and irrefutably so, madam.

Inquisitor: Proceed.

Valeyard: As I was saying, we have just witnessed a sequence in the Doctor's history which illustrated perfectly his almost gleeful pleasure in interfering in the development of alien life forms.

The Doctor: I object!

Inquisitor: Sit down and shut up!

Valeyard: Thank you, Sagacity.

The Doctor: Sagacity? You sycophant. Since when has that been a form of address used in a Gallifreyan court of law?

Valeyard: I am simply showing respect to our learned Inquisitor.

Inquisitor: An attitude I much approve.

The Doctor: Well, you would, wouldn't you? Sagacity, indeed.

Inquisitor: Doctor! Continue.

Valeyard: I should now like to present the Doctor's next frightening adventure. In fact, the one in which he was engaged when removed from time and brought to this court.

Inquisitor: Doctor?

The Doctor: What about the box?

Inquisitor: The box?

The Doctor: And the fact that Earth was two light years away from its original position?

Valeyard: That is not relevant to this segment of evidence.

The Doctor: It was relevant enough to be bleeped from the Matrix record.

Inquisitor: The Valeyard is quite right. That is a matter for the High Council to adjudicate upon. It is not the business of this trial.

Valeyard: If we may see from the Doctor's arrival on the planet Thoros Beta. Twenty fourth century, last quarter, fourth year, seventh month, third day.

Thoros Beta

Peri: Whoa, far out. Are you quite sure this is the planet you aimed for?

The Doctor: Mmm hmm. Fancy a swim?

Peri: In that goo? No thanks.

The Doctor: It's a pretty colour.

Peri: It's certainly an amazing one. For a sea, that is. Is that this planet's moon?

The Doctor: No, that's its twin planet, Thoros Alpha. Come along, then.

Peri: I'll just fetch my galoshes.

The Doctor: Oh, so much fuss over a little water.

Peri: No, but pink water.

The Doctor: Are you frightened it might clash with what you're wearing?

Peri: No, I'm more concerned I might clash with what lives in it.

The Doctor: Oh, you aren't going to come to any harm. It's quite safe.

The Doctor: As long as you don't hang about.

Trial room

The Doctor: Are you really offering this inconsequential silliness as evidence?

Inquisitor: The Doctor has a point. Surely we could join this segment at a more relevant place?

Valeyard: My apologies for wasting the court's time, Sagacity.

Thoros Beta

Peri: I can't get over how weird this place is.

The Doctor: Hmm? Yes, I suppose it is.

Peri: Difficult to believe there's any industry here.

The Doctor: Yet this was manufactured here, somewhere.

The Doctor: It appears to be multi-functional. Varying fields of energy projection. Quite advanced.

Peri: Doctor!

The Doctor: It's more advanced than I thought. It seems it can liquefy as well as stun.

Peri: Are you sure that thing was made here?

The Doctor: Peri, a w*rlord of Thordon wouldn't use his dying words to lie to us. Remember what he said? Thoros Beta, send more beams that k*ll.

Peri: Beams that k*ll wasn't the only thing he had on his mind. Dirty old w*rlord. Glad we left that place when we did.

The Doctor: The thing is, how did a bunch of skull-crackers like the Warlords come to own such a device?

Peri: Does it really matter how they blow each other to bits?

The Doctor: Matter? Of course it matters. An advanced culture manipulating the destinies of a less developed civilisation? If that's what's going on here, it's got to be stopped.

Peri: By us?

The Doctor: Who else is there?

Valeyard (O.C.): Who else is there?

Trial room

Valeyard: Your very words condemn you, Doctor, show your arrogance.

The Doctor: Sorry?

Valeyard: You feel only you have the right to meddle. Anyone else with that ambition, according to you, should be stopped.

The Doctor: Well, you'll soon discover I made the right decision.

Thoros Beta

Peri: You know, I've never seen a tide go out so quickly. Do you think it's to do with that?

The Doctor: I shouldn't think so. There must be some sort of mechanical tide control.

The Doctor: Ah ha!

Cave mouth

The Doctor: And I wouldn't be at all surprised if it was housed in here.

Peri: Well, why would they want to control the tide?

The Doctor: Well, er, why not? Come on.

Cave

Peri: Do you think this wise, Doctor?

The Doctor: My dear girl, if I stopped to question the wisdom of my actions, I'd never have left Gallifrey.

Peri: Sometimes I wish you hadn't.

The Doctor: Oh?

Peri: Doctor, look.

Trial room

Valeyard: Another death, Doctor?

The Doctor: The CD phaser discharged accidentally. Rerun the struggle, see for yourselves.

Valeyard: No need. There are clearer examples of your guilt to come.

Cave

Peri: Why did it att*ck us?

The Doctor: I don't know.

The Doctor: Perhaps it was because of that.

Peri: Look, Doctor, I know how you hate me stating the obvious, but don't you think we should get away from here?

Peri: That klaxon's bound to attract someone's attention.

The Doctor: Mmm, yeah. Just a moment, this is incredible. Such sophistication.

Peri: Well, what is it?

The Doctor: As I suspected, a device for extracting energy from the sea. Something your planet had the technology to do long before its fossil fuels ran out, but they didn't bother. This is just an auxiliary console, though. The main control room must be somewhere else.

Peri: That thing must have been brighter than it looked.

The Doctor: Oh, I doubt if that could even tie its own shoelaces. It may have operated this console, but it certainly didn't build it.

Peri: Oh, dear.

The Doctor: Yes. Oh, dear.

Frax: m*rder.

Peri: That thing att*cked us.

Frax: The Raak was not programmed to att*ck. You must have thr*at him. Fetch a stretcher.

The Doctor: All we did was land here.

Frax: Where is your submersible?

The Doctor: Further along the shore.

Frax: You are part of Crozier's new group?

The Doctor: Oh yes, yes, of course. Absolutely.

Frax: There will have to be an enquiry about this death.

The Doctor: We will help in any way we can.

Frax: The Raak was proud of his upgrading. Happy to be in service to the Mentors.

The Doctor: I'm sure he was. It's a pity he lost his head and decided to att*ck us.

Peri: It was an accident.

Frax: Take him to the dissection lab. There must have been a regression. They'll want to know why. You will come with us. We will take you to Crozier's laboratory. When he has verified your identities, you will be released.

The Doctor: Oh, absolutely. Security is very important.

Frax: Glad you agree.

The Doctor: Yeah.

Frax: Er, if you don't mind.

The Doctor: Oh, of course. Can't be too careful. Yes, very good. Absolutely right.

Operating room

Crozier: Let us pacify the brain of this barbarian.

Outside the Operating room

Frax: You must wait. Crozier cannot be disturbed.

Peri: Oh, what a pity, huh?

The Doctor: Yes, can't wait to see good old Crozier.

Frax: Old? He is young for a man of science. Perhaps you should describe Crozier for me.

The Doctor: Crozier. Well, er, young. Ish. Er, look, shouldn't we attend to the Raak first?

Frax: Why? He is d*ad.

The Doctor: Well, I think it just winked at Peri.

Peri: Oh, cheek.

The Doctor: No accounting for alien taste.

Frax: He is d*ad.

The Doctor: Not necessarily. Look, may I examine him? You can trust me, I am a doctor.

Frax: Like Crozier?

The Doctor: Yes, just like young Crozier. Nurse, could you prepare to apply the, er, skedaddle test?

Peri: Are you sure that's wise?

The Doctor: Come round here. I think the alternative could be much worse. Hold that, will you? Right, ready to apply the test, Sister?

Peri: More than ready, Doctor.

The Doctor: On the count of three, then. One, two, three.

Frax: Let them go. There's nothing down there, only the Lukoser. We'll wait here for a minute and then pick up their bodies.

Tunnel

Peri: What's that?

The Doctor: Bone. From some animal I don't recognise. Snapped off? Sharp, jagged edges?

Peri: Doctor, let's go back to the TARDIS, huh?

Peri: What's that?

The Doctor: Indeed.

Peri: Doctor, there.

The Doctor: It's a man.

Peri: Alone. Oh, Doctor, he's chained.

Peri: Are you okay?

The Doctor: Yes. Yes, I am now. It also explains how the tooth marks come to be on this.

Peri: What is he?

The Doctor: Looks like a man, acts like a wolf. Lycanthropy?

Peri: But how? Good boy, nice dog. Nice man. Can you help us? We're wondering if you...

The Doctor: Be careful!

Dorf: Help me.

Peri: Doctor, he's crying.

Dorf: Help me.

The Doctor: No one following. Yet, that is.

Peri: We must go back. He asked for help.

The Doctor: Not yet.

Peri: He said, help me. Oh, Doctor, what's going on here? Sea monsters upgraded to operate machinery, a wolf-man who begged for help.

The Doctor: Let's find out.

The Doctor: Not yet. I have a feeling there are more important considerations first.

Peri: Who could keep a creature in such torment?

The Doctor: Who indeed. Someone's coming.

Peri: Did you?

The Doctor: I did. Well, that explains the CD phaser sales to Thordon. Sil'd sell anything from bows and arrows to planet disintegrators.

Peri: Why is he here? And those others like him?

The Doctor: They live here. Thoros Beta's Sil's home planet. Didn't you know?

Peri: Only because you didn't tell me, Doctor.

The Doctor: Didn't I?

Peri: You know I'd never want to come within light years of that creep again. Last time he tried to turn me into a bird woman.

The Doctor: How could I forget? It cost me a fortune in bird seed.

Peri: I want out, and I mean it.

The Doctor: Come on, mustn't lose track of your friend Sil.

Courtyard

Valeyard: Do you relish danger, Doctor?

The Doctor: Not particularly.

Valeyard: Yet you seem to court it so obviously.

The Doctor: Well, even a nervous Time Lord must appear to act with competence at all times.

Valeyard: At the risk of his companion's life?

The Doctor: And his own sometimes.

Valeyard: Already the unfortunate Peri has survived a struggle with the Raak, escaped from the guards. And who, Doctor, was sent to examine the wolf-man?

The Doctor: Well...

Valeyard: Who went into danger first?

The Doctor: Well, she just happened to be the nearest.

Valeyard: Your assistant, as usual. Sagacity, I have calculated on a random Matrix sample that the Doctor's companions have been placed in danger twice as often as the Doctor.

The Doctor: Well, there have been many companions, but only one me.

Inquisitor: What is the point you're attempting to make, Valeyard?

Valeyard: That you remember such information when judgement is considered on taking the Doctor's life and all future regenerations.

Inquisitor: It is noted.

The Doctor: This is the most ridiculous, preposterous, travesty of a trial since the so-called witches of Enderhive.

Inquisitor: Doctor! You have been warned about your behaviour. Let us proceed.

Commerce room

Kiv: Must you bring your lunch in here?

Sil: I do not wish to miss a moment of your infinite capacity to generate profit for Thoros Beta, Magnificence. Marsh minnow, Magnificence?

Kiv: This Thordon world. The Krontep warriors have succeeded in subduing the massed hordes of the Tonkonp Empire. We must negotiate with the Krontep king. Usual contracts, development loans, some limited scientific advance. What is the position regarding King Yrcanos?

Sil: He is still being persuaded by Crozier to cooperate happily. I think that is the word.

Operating room

Yrcanos: Blood. Death. Terror. k*ll!

Crozier: Increase the PULD pulse immediately.

Yrcanos: Groan. Die.

Matrona: Why is the pacification not working?

Crozier: It will. I'll add a few more mills of power.

Crozier: Yrcanos is a barbarian king. He knows only one thing, how to fight, therefore he is fighting our attempts to give him peace and tranquillity.

Yrcanos: Scum.

Crozier: The more stupid the subject, the longer it takes. Now, Matrona, the ganglions, as you noticed, have not recovered from the lesions.

Matrona: Yes, but why detach both junctions of the lutein...

Crozier: You are forbidden! What happened? An accident?

Frax: No, sir. m*rder.

Commerce room

Kiv: In the event of a major discovery, their lease from the Thordonians will be for thirty years at a royalty rate of forty percent to us.

Kiv: That should keep you in marsh minnows for a while, Sil.

Sil: How lovely, Magnificence.

Outside the Operating room

The Doctor: They weren't hanging about.

Peri: Neither did they look very pleased.

The Doctor: Well, perhaps they've had some bad news. Hmm.

Peri: Doctor!

Trial room

Valeyard: If I might beg the court's indulgence.

Inquisitor: Valeyard.

Valeyard: Sagacity, may I be so bold as to suggest that we have already seen enough?

The Doctor: Oh, I second that. I've already seen quite enough of Sil, thank you.

Valeyard: We have now seen many examples of the Doctor's interference. We have heard the many requests from the Doctor's companion to withdraw from the situations we have witnessed, yet constantly, blatantly, they have been ignored.

The Doctor: Minor errors of judgement, nothing more.

Inquisitor: Valeyard, you have asked for the death penalty. That is now a matter of record. Whereas I do not concur with the prisoner when he interrupts with the statement that his offences are minor, you will have to provide this court with far more positive evidence of his guilt if you wish me to take your plea seriously.

The Doctor: Indeed. And my conscience is absolutely clear when I say that he will be unable to provide such evidence. So, can we please get back to discussing why Earth was two light years away from its original position, and what was in the box that Sabalom Glitz was so interested in?

Inquisitor: Be silent.

Valeyard: It is simply in my mind not to waste the court's time with endless repetitions of what we have already seen.

Inquisitor: Let me be the judge of that, Valeyard.

Valeyard: Sagacity.

The Doctor: My lady, it is as clear as the warts on an Edarg's face that the Valeyard has lost his nerve. He keeps saying that he has the most damning evidence, but where is it? I suggest to you, my lady, that this evidence does not exist. Whereas the fact that Earth was two light years away from its original position is incontrovertible.

Inquisitor: Sit down and shut up! Although I deplore the Doctor's constant interruptions, I must again concur that he has a point. If you want the Doctor's head, Valeyard, you must work for it. Let us proceed.

Commerce room

Kiv: What is next on the agenda? Ah! Ah! Oh, my head!

Sil: It will soon pass.

Kiv: The pressure gets worse each time. Something must be done, or soon you will be called Magnificence.

Sil: Long may that day be postponed, great Kiv.

Sil: You must not enter sacred Commerce room while profit is in progress.

Crozier: There's trouble.

Sil: Concerning what?

Crozier: My hopes of saving him.

Sil: Show more respect to the Magnificence.

Kiv: What has happened?

Crozier: The Raak is d*ad, k*lled by intruders.

Frax: They claimed he att*cked them.

Sil: Then manufacture another one.

Crozier: That's not easily done, nor is it the point of my concern.

Matrona: The Raak was not aggressive.

Sil: So?

Crozier: If the Raak, unprovoked, did att*ck, then he might revert genetically. Until I know, until I can question the strangers in detail, I cannot guarantee the success of your transference, my lord.

Kiv: You must relieve my suffering!

Matrona: We have hopes the radical treatment will succeed this time, my lord.

Sil: So much depends on the life of Lord Kiv. The making of mega-wealth, the funding for your work.

Crozier: I must know that success will be certain.

Kiv: You said that last time.

Sil: Where are these strangers?

Frax: Escaped. I've sent every bearer and guard searching after them.

Kiv: I trust this is not an excuse for delay, Mister Crozier? You know if the experiment on my person is unsuccessful, you will die.

Crozier: I accept that.

Kiv: Take charge, Sil. I will be d*ad as that Raak if I wait for them to find the intruders. At once! Before I perish! Then where will you be, eh? d*ad. No, worse than that. Poor. Oh, oh, oh, my head!

Operating room

The Doctor: Hmm. Yuk.

Peri: Urgh.

Yrcanos: Help.

Peri: He's alive!

The Doctor: Not necessarily. Hmm. Ah ha.

Peri: What is it?

The Doctor: A brain impulse there. Oh, I see. Well, we can't have that.

Peri: Doctor.

The Doctor: Ah. How nice to see a familiar face again.

Sil: Doctor and, ah yes, your revoltingly ugly assistant. Age has not improved you since Varos.

Peri: From you that's a compliment.

The Doctor: What can we do for you, Sil?

Sil: Tell us why you had to k*ll our most promising experiment.

Crozier: The Raak.

The Doctor: It att*cked us.

Crozier: I doubt that very much.

Sil: Doctor, we have the means to instill cooperation. There's the technology to alter how brains think. Would you like to try the helmet on for size?

The Doctor: Not just now, thanks.

Sil: But I insist, Doctor. Our warrior king must have completed his advancement cycle. You must replace him so we may coax the truth from your devious brain.

The Doctor: I am sufficiently advanced already.

Sil: Silence! Or you will be obliterated.

Sil: Now, the Raak didn't att*ck you, did he.

The Doctor: Yes, it did.

Sil: Can you use the helmet to extract the truth of what happened?

Crozier: I've never tried. It could be fatal, used as a means of interrogation.

Sil: The Doctor won't mind donating his sanity to the advancement of science, will you, Doctor?
{"type": "series", "show": "Doctor Who", "episode": "23x05 - The Trial of a Time Lord - part 5 (Mindwarp)"}