THE TALONS OF WENG-CHIANG

BY: ROBERT HOLMES

Part Six

Original Air Date: 2 April 1977
Running time: 23:26

LEELA: We must trap them in the crossfire, Doctor. Somewhere in the cover where they cannot find cover.

DOCTOR: What sort of crossfire? Hazelnuts? Bread pellets?

LEELA: In a house this size there must be protection. The professor will have w*apon in fixed positions to guard the approaches.

DOCTOR: I brought you to the wrong time, my girl. You'd have loved Agincourt.

DOCTOR: There's a Boot Court near the river, less than a mile from here, look.

DOCTOR: Oh, you let yourself in. That's good. We were expecting you.

WENG: No, Doctor, it was we who were expecting you.

DOCTOR: Life's full of little surprises. What have you done to her?

WENG: Nothing, yet.

DOCTOR: Take my advice. Don't.

WENG: Your advice? Oh, Doctor, you are an unusual man, but in opposing me you have gone far out of your depth. You have taken something from me. I want it back.

DOCTOR: Now I wonder what that could be? I'm always borrowing things from people and then forgetting where I've put them.

DOCTOR: It's a terrible habit.

WENG: I have never appreciated frivolity. It was in that bag. It is not there now. Give it to me!

DOCTOR: What, one of these?

WENG: The time key, Doctor!

DOCTOR: Oh, the time key. Now heavens to Betsy, where did I last see that?

WENG: I'll give you three seconds, Doctor, and then Mister Sin will k*ll the girl. One, two, three, k*ll her!

WENG: Stop!

DOCTOR: Is this what you want? The trionic lattice?

WENG: Give it to me!

DOCTOR: Careful, careful. I might have dropped it.

WENG: I'll k*ll you!

DOCTOR: Crystalline. Probably break into a thousand pieces.

WENG: You arrogant jackanapes!

DOCTOR: When I'm crowded I get nervous. Call your dogs off.

WENG: Back, back.

DOCTOR: That's better.

WENG: Give me that key and I will spare her life.

DOCTOR: Never trust a man with dirty fingernails.

WENG: You can trust me to k*ll her if you do not immediately put it down! Now obey me at once!

DOCTOR: I tell you what, I'll make a bargain with you. You can have the trionic lattice when we get to the House of the Dragon.

WENG: What trickery is this?

DOCTOR: No trickery. You're holding two others of my friends.

WENG: What of them?

DOCTOR: I want them released.

WENG: Two blundering dolts? Why?

DOCTOR: I doubt if you could understand that, but that's the condition.

WENG: Very well. They're nothing to me.

DOCTOR: Good. Right. Then you and your chaps can lead the way and I'll follow.

WENG: Bring the girl.

DOCTOR: No! The girl stays.

WENG: You would be wise not to press me too far.

DOCTOR: Just lead on.

WENG: Come!

JAGO: What's the matter?

LITEFOOT: I heard something.

JAGO: What sort of thing?

LITEFOOT: People. Quite a group just went by.

JAGO: More Wongs for the Tong, I suppose. Do you realise we've been here over an hour?

LITEFOOT: It'll be dawn soon.

JAGO: What does that signify?

LITEFOOT: I'm not aware that it signifies anything. It's just a remark.

JAGO: I thought perhaps they might do things at dawn.

LITEFOOT: Do things? What sort of things?

JAGO: Well, you know, sacrifice their victims.

LITEFOOT: You're thinking of the Druids, aren't you? I'm not aware the Chinese make a ceremony of it.

JAGO: Oh, good. I don't think I could stomach that. It's been worrying me somewhat.

LITEFOOT: Best not to think about it.

JAGO: I can't help it. Beastly heathens. That's my trouble, Litefoot.

LITEFOOT: What?

JAGO: Well, I'm not awfully. Well, I'm not so bally brave when it comes to it. I try to be but I'm not.

LITEFOOT: When it comes to it, I don't suppose anybody is.

JAGO: Well, I thought I ought to tell you anyway, in case I let the side down.

LITEFOOT: You won't, Henry. I know you won't.

WENG: Fetch the prisoners here.

DOCTOR: Very impressive. I'll have the Bird's Nest Soup.

WENG: What?

DOCTOR: Well, isn't this where you do the cooking?

WENG: How can you understand the functions of a catalytic extraction chamber, Doctor? Part of a technology far beyond your time.

DOCTOR: Simple old-fashioned cannibalism. That machine just saves you having to chew the grisly bits.

WENG: Much more than that. The secret of life.

DOCTOR: Bunkum. Your so-called technology is the twisted lunacy of a scientific dark age.

WENG: What do you know of my time?

DOCTOR: Everything. Where is it?

WENG: What?

DOCTOR: Your pig-faced, pig-brained Peking Homunculus.

WENG (OOV.): You know of that? How?

DOCTOR: I was with the Filipino army at the final advance on Reykjavik.

WENG: How can you in the nineteenth century know anything of the fifty first? You lie!

DOCTOR: Listen. What's your name? What were you called before you became a Chinese god?

WENG: I am Magnus Greel!

DOCTOR: Oh, yes, the infamous Minister of Justice. The Butcher of Brisbane.

DOCTOR: Checkmate.

WENG: It is impossible for you to know these things!

DOCTOR: I know you're a wanted criminal and that a hundred thousand deaths can be laid at your door.

WENG: Enemies of the state! They were used in the advancements of science.

DOCTOR: They were slaughtered in your filthy machine.

WENG: So, you are from the future, and I, for all my achievements, are only remembered as a w*r criminal. Of course, it is the winning side that writes history, Doctor. Remember, you would not be here if it were not for my work.

DOCTOR: Your work?

DOCTOR: Your work?

WENG: Yes! I made this possible. I found the resources, the scientists

DOCTOR: The zigma experiments came to nothing. They were a failure. Nothing came of them.

WENG: No! No, they were a success! Why, I used them to escape from my enemies. The first man to travel through time.

DOCTOR: Hmm. Look what it did to you.

WENG: A temporal distortion of my metabolism. It can be readjusted.

LITEFOOT: Doctor!

DOCTOR: Good morning, gentlemen.

JAGO: By jingo, what did I tell you? The game's up, my friend. We have the place surrounded.

DOCTOR: No, Jago, Jago, Jago. We don't have the place surrounded. We just have an understanding.

JAGO: Understanding?

DOCTOR: Yes.

WENG: I have kept my word, Doctor. Now give me the key.

DOCTOR: Only when they're well clear of this place. Off you go now. Hurry.

LITEFOOT: Doctor, there are two others here. Two wretched girls.

DOCTOR: Then take them with you.

WENG: Your demands are becoming too great!

WENG: Enough! I want him alive.

DOCTOR: Beware the Eye of the Dragon.

LITEFOOT: Doctor, are you hurt?

WENG: Take them out. Get these stinking heaps of rubbish out of here!

WENG: Perfect. Perfect. After all these years the function is unimpaired.

WENG: Everything exactly as it was. The parallax synchrons fully charged, the strata tube set at maximum. He was wrong! Wrong! The zigma experiment was a success!

LITEFOOT: Curious. Double heartbeat. Otherwise everything seems in order.

JAGO: If only we knew what that fiendish device was that struck him down. From behind, mark you.

LITEFOOT: Shush. I think he's trying to say something.

DOCTOR: There's a one-eyed yellow idol to the north of Katmandu. There's a little marble cross below the town.

LITEFOOT: Kipling?

DOCTOR: Harry Champion, 1920.

LITEFOOT: Doctor, are you all right?

DOCTOR: Greel's got the key!

LITEFOOT: Greel?

DOCTOR: How long have I been unconscious?

LITEFOOT: Only a few minutes.

DOCTOR: The broth of oblivion.

JAGO: What's that?

DOCTOR: Chinese soup. He'll be coming for them soon.

LITEFOOT: Well, surely there must be something we can do for them?

DOCTOR: There's always something we can do. Get them over there against the wall. Come on.

JAGO: They're armed to the teeth, those Wong fellows. Knives, g*n, everything.

LITEFOOT: Jago's right. Empty handed we can do nothing.

DOCTOR: Excellent. This is good strong linen. It should do fine. Well, don't just stand there wasting time. Get me a bucket of water and break off that gas pipe.

WENG: Almost ready. Yes, time to prepare my two partridges. Why don't you come down from there? Sulking because I wouldn't let you k*ll the Doctor, is that it?

WENG: Oh, you can k*ll him soon enough, Sin, but first I must drain every scintilla of his knowledge about the zigma experiment. You can k*ll him then, and as many more as you wish before we leave. All I need is to re-establish my protenoid balance.

WENG: Then I can enter the zigma beam for the second time. Only this time, there must be no mistake in the programme DNA levels. Now for my two partridges.

LEELA: Die, bent face!

WENG: No, spare me, please!

LEELA: Spawn of evil. Now I destroy you!

WENG: The second time! The second attempt on my life by this she-devil! Hold her still! No. No, I have a better fate for you. She will be the first morsel to feed my regeneration.

LEELA: k*ll me any way you wish. Unlike you, I am not afraid to die.

WENG: We shall see. Bring the tigress here.

WENG: At my camps, the extraction process was considered the most painful of all. They pleaded for anything but this.

LEELA: I shall not plead, but I promise you this. When we are both in the great hereafter, I shall hunt you down, Bent Face, and put you through my agony a thousand times!

WENG: Silence the spitfire!

WENG: Now bring the other two hags here.

JAGO: It's leaking. I can smell it.

LITEFOOT: There's bound to be some escape.

DOCTOR: Not enough to worry about.

JAGO: I'm not worried, Doctor. I haven't been worried since you turned up. It's just that I'd hate to be gassed before seeing if this stunt works.

DOCTOR: Well, Greel won't keep us waiting long. He needs his proteinoids.

LITEFOOT: His what?

DOCTOR: He's dying, you see. He's desperate. His body's fading away fast. He's trying to cheat death by substituting certain materials. Do you understand?

LITEFOOT: I think so. The principle, anyway.

DOCTOR: The principle's false, anyhow. All he achieves is a postponement of the inevitable.

JAGO: Shush.

DOCTOR: Lucifers, Professor. Quick, get over there. Now listen, if we do manage to get out of here, don't stop running till you're a mile from this place.

JAGO: Up troops and at 'em, eh, Professor?

DOCTOR: Come on, come on.

DOCTOR: This way.

WENG: Whatever it was, there can be no escape for you. Let the talons of Weng-Chiang shred your flesh!

DOCTOR: Greel!

WENG: k*ll, Sin! k*ll them!

DOCTOR: Come on, quick. Get down! Get down!

LEELA: I owe you my life, Doctor. Thank you.

JAGO: Time to thank him when we're out of this.

WENG: Doctor, I offer you a proposition.

DOCTOR: Not now, Greel, we're busy.

WENG: I will spare your lives, you and your friends, if you leave now.

DOCTOR: Well, that's very magnanimous of you, Magnus.

WENG: Then get up and leave.

DOCTOR: What, with your trigger-happy little friend out there? No thanks.

WENG: I am offering you your lives, you fools!

DOCTOR: (quietly) We'd be cut down before we reached the door.

LEELA: (quietly) I think so, too. He has no truth in him.

DOCTOR: (quietly) Let's see.

DOCTOR: Ah. We're staying put, Magnus.

WENG: Then you'll die here, all of you.

DOCTOR: Well, you might die first, Magnus. You don't sound too well, and your food supply's half way to Blackheath by now.

WENG: Sin, crack that bench away.

LITEFOOT: If I only had a g*n, Doctor.

JAGO: Or a catapult. I was a dab hand with a catapult when I was a nipper.

LITEFOOT: What is that w*apon?

DOCTOR: It's a laser beam.

JAGO: It's a death ray.

LEELA: (quietly) Doctor, they're diminishing our cover.

DOCTOR: (quietly) Push it over.

WENG: Hurry, Sin! There is little time left to me.

WENG: No, Sin! You fool, stop! Stop! Obey me, Sin. Obey Greel, your master, I command you.

JAGO: Jiminy, I felt the heat of that one.

JAGO: No chance, my dear.

LEELA: He cannot f*re at two objects at once.

JAGO: You mean one of us creates a distraction while you go for the g*n?

LEELA: That's right. Me because I'm quicker.

LITEFOOT: Another minute or so and we're done.

JAGO: I say, I say, I say!

JAGO: A funny thing happened to me. Has she got the g*n?

LITEFOOT: Hey! Who are you sh**ting at?

LEELA: Well, I've never fired one of these before.

LITEFOOT: Got them rattled, anyway.

DOCTOR: It's no good, Greel. You're finished.

WENG: I can escape you, Doctor, as I escaped my enemies before.

DOCTOR: Greel, listen. If you activate the zigma beam, it'll be certain death for all of us.

WENG: Lies, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Listen, Greel! Greel, listen! The zigma beam is at full stretch. If you trigger it again, it'll mean certain collapse. You know what that means?

WENG: You can't fool me.

DOCTOR: There'll be a huge implosion, Greel, and you'll be at the centre of it. The zigma experiments were a disaster!

WENG: No, no, the zigma experiment was a success! A brilliant, total success!

WENG: Sin, Sin, what are you doing?

WENG: I order you to. No, no, not me. This is mutiny, Sin.

LEELA: Is Bent Face d*ad?

LITEFOOT: Why do you call him Bent Face?

LEELA: Because it is. No, don't.

LITEFOOT: Why not?

DOCTOR: Cellular collapse.

LITEFOOT: In all my years as a pathologist, I've never seen anything like it.

DOCTOR: Well, let's hope you never see anything like it again, Professor.

JAGO: But where was he from? Where did he go?

DOCTOR: He was a foe from the future, Henry. Look out, Leela!

JAGO: What's that?

DOCTOR: It's his fuse, Henry.

LEELA: What are you doing, Doctor?

DOCTOR: I'm bringing the zigma experiment to an end.

CRIER (OOV.): Muffins! Get your hot muffins!

DOCTOR: Listen.

CRIER (OOV.): Hot muffins!

DOCTOR: It's the muffin man. Come on, I'll buy you some muffins.

LITEFOOT: And then, for example, I would say 'one lump or two, Miss Leela'. To which you would reply, 'one will suffice, thank you'. Now, do you follow?

LEELA: Supposing I want two?

LITEFOOT: Oh, no, no, no, no. One lump for ladies.

LEELA: Then why do you ask me?

DOCTOR: Come along, Leela.

LEELA: Professor Litefoot has been explaining to me about tea.

DOCTOR: Really?

LEELA: It's very complicated.

DOCTOR: No, it's not complicated at all. All you. Look, I haven't got time to stand here discussing tea. Goodbye, Litefoot.

LITEFOOT: Goodbye, Doctor.

DOCTOR: It's been such fun. Henry.

DOCTOR (OOV.): Yes, the important thing is just warming the pot.

LEELA (OOV.): What pot?

DOCTOR (OOV.): The tea pot.

LITEFOOT: What exactly is that contraption?

JAGO: Well, it's his personal transport. Look, Police.

LITEFOOT: Extraordinary.

JAGO: No doubt Scotland Yard provided it for him.

LITEFOOT: I don't believe it!

JAGO: I've said it before and I'll say it again. Our policemen are wonderful.

LITEFOOT: But it's impossible, Henry. Quite impossible.

JAGO: Good trick, eh? I venture the great Li H'sen Chang himself would have appreciated that.
{"type": "series", "show": "Doctor Who", "episode": "14x26 - The Talons of Weng-Chiang - part 6"}