A Musical
Wayne Kirkpatrick
[Discussion of musicals and where they are performed]

[NICK (spoken)]
What the hell are musicals?

[NOSTRADAMUS (spoken)]
It appears to be a play where the dialogue stops and the plot is conveyed through song

[NICK (spoken)]
Through song?

[NOSTRADAMUS (spoken)]
Yes

[NICK (spoken)]
Wait, wait, wait, so an actor is saying his lines and then, out of nowhere, he just starts singing?

[NOSTRADAMUS (spoken)]
Yes

[NICK (spoken)]
Well that is the—
(sung)
Stupidest thing that I have ever heard
You're doing a play, got something to say
So you sing it? It's absurd
Who on Earth is going to sit there
While an actor breaks into song?
What possible thought could the audience think
Other than "this is horribly wrong?"

[NOSTRADAMUS (spoken)]
Remarkably, they won't think that

[NICK (spoken)]
Seriously? Why not?

[NOSTRADAMUS (spoken)]
Because—

(sung)
It's... a... musical, a musical
And nothing's as amazing as a musical
With song and dance and sweet romance
And happy endings happening by happenstance
Bright lights, stage fights and a dazzling chorus
You wanna be great, then you gotta create a musical
[NICK (spoken)]
I don't know, I find it hard to believe people would actually pay to see something like this

[NOSTRADAMUS]
Let's just say it's a Saturday night
And you wanna go out on the town
Got a lady to flatter who might
Give it up if you don't let her down
You could go see a tragedy
But that wouldn't be very fun
Or a play from Greek mythology
See a mother have sex with her son

[NICK]
Eeeewww!

[NOSTRADAMUS]
You could go see a drama
With all of that trauma and pain
Or go see something more relaxing
And less taxing on the brain

Go... see... a... musical, a musical
A poppy piece releasing all your blues-icals
Where crooners croon
[ENSEMBLE]
Ahh

[NOSTRADAMUS]
A catchy tune
And limber-legged ladies thrill you till you swoon
Ooh's, ahh's, big applause
And a standing ovation
The future is bright if you could just write
A musical

Some make you happy
Some make you sad
Some are quite big
Some quite small
Some are too long
Some are just plays with song

[ENSEMBLE]
Ahh

[NOSTRADAMUS]
Some musicals have
No talking at all

[NICK (spoken)]
No talking at all?

[NOSTRADAMUS]
That's right, there's no talking
All of the dialog is sung in a very dramatic fashion

[NICK (spoken)]
Um, really?

[NOSTRADAMUS]
Yes, really

[NICK (spoken)]
There's no talk—

[NOSTRADAMUS]
There's no talking
And they often stay on one note for a very long time
So that when they change to a different note,...you notice
And it's supposed to create a dramatic effect
But mostly you just sit there asking yourself, "why aren't they talking?"

[NICK (spoken)]
Sounds miserable

[NOSTRADAMUS]
I believe it's pronounced "misérables"

[NICK (spoken)]
And people actually like this?

[NOSTRADAMUS]
No! They love it! And what's not to love?
It's such a delight, there's nothing quite like a musical

(spoken)
Ooh! Another vision! I haven't even told you the best part yet!

(sung)
Feel that fascinating rhythm
Move into your feet

[NICK (spoken)]
Uh, what is that?

[NOSTRADAMUS]
Feel your ass gyrating
To that titillating beat

[NICK (spoken)]
Ooh, are you OK?

[NOSTRADAMUS]
You slap your lap
Then finger-snap
That's when you know it's time to tap

[NICK (spoken)]
What the hell are you doing now?

[NOSTRADAMUS (spoken)]
It's called a dance break
Apparently this happens in musicals as well
People on stage just burst into spontaneous dance

[NICK (spoken)]
Why? Does it advance the plot?

[NOSTRADAMUS (spoken)]
No

[NICK (spoken)]
Advance character?

[NOSTRADAMUS (spoken)]
Not necessarily

[NICK (spoken)]
Then why do it?

[NOSTRADAMUS (spoken)]
Because it's entertaining
5-6-7-8!

[Dance Break]

[NOSTRADAMUS (spoken)]
Another vision!

(sung)
It's a musical What do you talk? What do you talk?
It's a musical! A Seussical?
No, a musical with girls on stage

[ENSEMBLE]
A musical

[NOSTRADAMUS]
We've got snappy repartee
And the women are risqué
And the chorus boys are kinda gay

[ENSEMBLE]
A musical

[NOSTRADAMUS]
A true, blue, new

[NOSTRADAMUS with ENSEMBLE]
Musical

[Verse 6: NOSTRADAMUS (ENSEMBLE)]
Stand back! It's a musical!
Some musicals are very serious
A big, glittering

[NOSTRADAMUS with ENSEMBLE]
Musical, a musical

[Musical Reference]

[NOSTRADAMUS with ENSEMBLE]
It's a mu-si-cal for us

[Musical Reference]

[NOSTRADAMUS]
A big and shiny, mighty fine-y
Glitter, glitz, and chorus line-y
Bob your head and shake your heiney
Musical!
It's a musical

[ENSEMBLE]
It's a musical

[NOSTRADAMUS]
It is a musical

[ENSEMBLE]
It's a musical

[NICK (spoken)]
Yes! I get it now!

(sung)
We'll... do... a... musical

[NOSTRADAMUS]
No kidding!

[NICK]
A musical
What could be more amazing than a musical?
With song and dance and sweet romance
And with a musical we might have half a chance

[NICK and NOSTRADAMUS]
Ooh's, ahh's, big applause
With everyone cheering for us

[Musical Reference]

[NOSTRADAMUS]
And for some unexplainable reason
The crowd goes wild every time
When dancers kick in unison
In one big wonderful line

[ALL]
And then you got yourself a musical
A musical
A la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Palooz-ical
With flashy style and a big, fake smile
A snazzy band, some jazzy hands, I swear that I'll
Cross my heart, hope to die
If it isn't a doozy

[NOSTRADAMUS]
Take it from me
They'll be flocking to see

[NICK and NOSTRADAMUS]
Your star-lit, won't quit
Big hit, musical

[ALL]
A big hit musical
Write the lyrics for a pop song made in 2015, titled "A Musical", by artist "Wayne Kirkpatrick".