The Sex Offender Shuffle
Scott Gairdner
[Chorus 1]
The state of Florida have asked us to disclose our sexual crimes to you
We were bad but now we're good. we're moving into your neighborhood
You know we're trying our best to be functioning members of society
We're not here to start no trouble, we're legally required to do the sex offender shuffle

[Verse 1: Larry Arthauer]
I'm Larry Arthauer and I'll refrain from touching my neighbor's kids again
What I did was not too kind, but I'm a nice guy you'll come to find
Got a backyard and a real nice pool, y'all should come over for a barbecue
We can make some cold drinks in my blender, but do keep in mind that I'm a sex offender

[Verse 2: Vernon Douglas]
Vernon Douglas is my name, my battery arrest is what brought me fame
But there's much more to know about me, I love to dance and I love to ski
I zip and zoom on through the snow, strap on my boots and watch me go
But I can't ski Until December, until then, I'm just a sex offender

[Verse 3: Charles Dolling]
I'm Charles Dolling Dropping rhymes, I've been arrested seven times
I know that sounds Like a lot, three of those times were for vandalism
Feel real bad I got caught, might do it again, probably not
I'm not here to make pretenses, here because my sex offences
[Verse 4: Sam Pound]
I'm Sam Pound, I'm number one, apologizing for what I've done
In case you were wondering what that was, I snuck into a bathroom and I-
I'm not here to eat no truffles, I'm just here to do the sex offender shuffle

[Verse 5: Laura Hughes]
Hey everybody, I'm Laura Hughes, proving girls can do it to
And by it I mean touch your cousin, was it worth it, no it wasn't
Won't find me in your child's play set 'cause I gotta wear this ankle bracelet
I'm not here to go on bender, I'm here because I'm a sex offender

[Verse 6: Marc Burmholdt]
Last name Burmholdt, first name Marc, I'm moving in somewhere on your block
Not in a house, but in a van, if you need me to move it, I sure can
Last thing I want is any trouble, learned my lesson from the sex offender shuffle

[Verse 7: Arthur Chase]
I'm the one they call Arthur Chase, they said I didn't have to show my face
My first trial ended in a hung jury, if I'm found guilty they'll un-blur me
I'm not the necrophiliac Arthur Chase, that's a different Arthur Chase
I'm not here to be my own defender, I'm because I'm possibly a sex offender

[Verse 8]
Okay, real quick, I'm not like these people
This is an extortion plot on my ex-wife who's the only witness
And she's trying to take away my kids-
I'm not here to pack my duffle, I'm here to do the sex offender shuffle
[Chorus 2]
The state of Florida has asked us to disclose our sexual crimes to you
We were bad but now we're good we're moving into your neighborhood
We're obliged to admit the crimes for which we were convicted
We're not here to start no trouble, we're legally obliged to do the sex offender shuffle (Shuffle)
Write the lyrics for a rap song made in 2020, titled "The Sex Offender Shuffle", by artist "Scott Gairdner".