Bruce Broadway
Tim Minchin
[MISS TRUNCHBULL]
Bruce Bogtrotter

[BRUCE]
Yes, miss?

[MISS TRUNCHBULL]
You liked my cake, didn't you, Bruce?

[BRUCE]
Yes, Miss Trunchbull! And I'm very sorry –

[MISS TRUNCHBULL]
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. As long as you enjoyed the cake. That's the main thing

[BRUCE]
Is it?

[MISS TRUNCHBULL]
Yes! Bogtrotter, it is
[BRUCE]
Oh. Well, I did. Thank you

MISS TRUNCHBULL
Wonderful. Marvellous. That makes me so happy. It gives me a warm glow in my lower intestine. Oh, cook

What's the matter, Bogtrotter? Lost your appetite?

[BRUCE]
Well, yes. I'm full

[MISS TRUNCHBULL]
Oh, no, you are not "full". I'll tell you when you are full. And I say that criminals like you are not full until you have eaten the entire cake

[BRUCE]
But –

[MISS TRUNCHBULL]
No "buts". You haven't got time for "but". Eat

[BRUCE]
But I can't eat it all!

[MISS HONEY]
Headmistress, he'll be sick!
[MISS TRUNCHBULL]
He should have thought of that before he made a pact with Satan and decided to steal my cake!
Eat!

[LAVENDER]
He can't!

[MISS TRUNCHBULL]
Eat!

[TOMMY]
He surely can't!

[MISS TRUNCHBULL]
Eat!

[NIGEL]
He might explode!

[MISS TRUNCHBULL]
Eat!!

[ALL KIDS except BRUCE]
A single slice
Or even two, Bruce
Might have been nice
But even you, Bruce
Have to admit
Between you and it
There's not a lot of difference in size
He can't! (He can! Bruce!)
He surely can't!
He surely can't! (You are the man, Bruce!)
He might explode!
(He's quite elastic . . .)
He's going to blow. Make him stop!
(He's fantastic! Look at him go!)
I can't watch!

I think in effect
This must confirm, Bruce
What we all suspected
You have a worm
Bruce!
Or maybe your largeness
Is like the TARDIS:
Considerably roomier inside

He can't! (He can!)
He surely can't!
He surely can't! (You are the man, Bruce!)
B-R-O-O-C-E!

Bruce!
You'll never again be subject to abuse
For your immense caboose
She'll call a truce, Bruce
With every swallow, you are tightening the noose
We never thought it was possible
But here it is, coming true:
We can have our cake and eat it too!

The time has come to put that tumbly-tum to use
No excuse, Bruce
Let out your belt. I think you'll want your trousers loose

Oh –
Stuff it in. (Bruce!) You're almost finished. (Bruce!)
You'll fit it in
Whatever you do, just don't give in
Don't let her win
Come on, Bruce, be our hero
Cover yourself in chocolate glory!

[BRUCE]
It's too much! It's just too much!

[MATILDA]
(Whispered) Go on, Bruce. Do it

[MISS TRUNCHBULL]
Silence!

[ALL KIDS except BRUCE]
Oh –
Bruce!
You'll never again be subject to abuse for your immense caboose
She'll call a truce, Bruce
Just one more bite and you'll've completely cooked her goose
We never thought it was possible
But here it is, coming true:
We can have our cake and eat it –

Ah-ah-aah-ah
Ah-ah-aah-ah
Ah-ah-aah-ah
Ah-ah-aah-ah

[MISS HONEY]
Go on, Brucey!
Write the lyrics for a pop song made in 2013, titled "Bruce Broadway", by artist "Tim Minchin".