Miracle
Tim Minchin
[LAVENDER]
My mummy says I'm a miracle

[ERIC]
My daddy says I'm his special little guy

[ALICE]
I am a princess

[BRUCE]
And I am a prince

[LAVENDER, AMANDA, ALICE, HORTENSIA]
Mum says I'm an angel sent down from the sky

[BRUCE, ERIC]
My daddy says I'm his special little soldier
No one is as handsome, strong as me
It's true he indulges my tendency to bulge
But I'm his little soldier!
Hup, 2-4-3!
[AMANDA, HORTENSIA]
My mummy says I'm a miracle
One look at my face, and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me!

[NIGEL, TOMMY]
My daddy says I'm his special little soldier
No one is as bold or tough as me
Has my daddy told you
One day when I'm older
I can be a soldier
And shoot you in the face!

[PARTY ENTERTAINER]
One can hardly move for beauty and brilliance these days
It seems that there are millions of these one-in-a-millions
These days
Special-ness seems de rigueur
Above average is average—go figure
Is it is some modern miracle of calculus
That such frequent miracles don't render each one un-
Miraculous

[CHILDREN]
My mummy says I'm a miracle
One look at my face, and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me!
[LAVENDER]
My mummy says I'm a precious barrelina
She has never seen a prettier barrelina
She says that if I'm keen, I have to cut down on the cream
But I'm a barrelina, so give me more cake!

[MOTHER (1) & FATHER (2)]
Take another photo of our angel in that costume that I made
The role of tree has never been portrayed with such
Convincing sway

[MOTHER (2)]
That's right, honey, look at mummy!

[FATHER (2)]
Don't put honey on your brother

[MOTHER (2)]
Smile for mummy; smile for mother!

[FATHER (2)]
I think she blinked

[MOTHER (2)]
Well, take another!
[FATHER (3)]
Have you seen his school report?
He got a 'C' on his report!

[MOTHER (3)]
What?!

[FATHER (3)]
We'll have to change his school
His teacher's clearly falling short

[MOTHER (1)]
She's just delightful

[FATHER (1)]
So hilarious and

[MOTHER (1) & FATHER (1)]
Insightful

[ALL PARENTS]
Might she be a little brighter than the norm?
I know to boys it's frightful form!

[All CHILDREN & PARENTS]
My mummy says I'm a miracle
One look at my face, and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me!
My mummy says I'm a miracle
That I'm as tiny and as shiny as a mirror ball
You can be all cynical, but it's a truth empirical
There's never been a miracle, a miracle, a miracle as me!

[DOCTOR, spoken]
A baby Mrs. Wormwood, a child, the most
Precious gift the natural world can
Bestow upon us has been handed to you. A
Brand new human being, a life, a person
A wonderful new person is about to come
Into your life and bring you love and
Magic and happiness and wonder

[MRS. WORMWOOD]
Oh! Bloody 'ell!

[DOCTOR]
Every life I bring into this world restores my faith in humankind

[MIDWIFE, spoken]
Push Mrs. Wormwood, push!

[MRS. WORMWOOD, spoken]
I'll push you in a minute!

[DOCTOR]
Each new-born life, a canvas yet unpainted...
This still unbroken skin...
This uncorrupted mind...
Every life is unbelievably unlikely
The chances of existence
Almost infinitely small
The most common thing in life is life

(baby cries)

[DOCTOR]
And yet every single life
Every new life is a miracle! Miracle!

[MRS. WORMWOOD, spoken]
This is the worst day of my life!

(sung)
Oh, my undercarriage doesn't feel quite normal
My skin looks just revolting in this foul fluorescent light
And this gown is nothing like the semi-formal, semi-Spanish gown I should be wearing in the semi-finals tonight
I should be dancing the tarantella
Qui mon fella italiano
Not dressed in hospital cotton
With a smarting front bottom
And this horrible...

[DOCTOR]
Miracle!

[MRS. WORMWOOD]
Smelly little—

[DOCTOR]
Miracle!

[MRS. WORMWOOD]
Weakly little ball of fat!

[MR. WORMWOOD]
What the hell was that?

[MRS. WORMWOOD]
Will someone give this thing a bottle?

[MR. WORMWOOD]
Or swap it for a later model?

[MR. WORMWOOD & MRS. WORMWOOD]
Why do bad things always happen to good people?
Fine upstanding citizens like you and me?
Why when we've done nothing wrong
Should this disaster come along?
This horrible, weird looking...

[MRS. WORMWOOD]
Hairy little stinky thing

[MR. WORMWOOD]
With no sign of a winky-ding at all

[DOCTOR]
Miracle, miracle, a miracle; every life's a miracle
Beautiful miracle I have ever seen...

[MR. WORMWOOD]
I can't find his frank and beans...

[DOCTOR]
Every life is unbelievably unlikely
The chances of existence, almost infinitely small
The most common thing in life is life
And yet every single life, every new life is a miracle!
Miracle! Miracle!

[CHILDREN]
My mummy says I'm a miracle
One look at my face, and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me!
My mummy says I'm a miracle
That I'm as tiny and as shiny as a mirror ball
You can be all cynical, but it's a truth empirical
There's never been a miracle, a miracle, a miracle as ...

[MATILDA]
My mummy says I'm a lousy little worm
My daddy says I'm a bore
My mummy says I'm a jumped-up little germ
That kids like me should be against the law
My daddy says I should learn to shut my pie hole
No one likes a smart-mouthed girl like me
Mum says I'm a good case for population control
Dad says I should watch more TV
Write the lyrics for a pop song made in 2011, titled "Miracle", by artist "Tim Minchin".