The Room screenplay: Act III
Tommy Wiseau
Cut to the roof. Johnny enters, mid-sentence.

Johnny: I did not hit her! It’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not hit her! I did not! (he throws a water bottle to the floor) Oh, hi Mark.

Mark: (holding a football) Oh hey Johnny, what’s up?

Johnny: I have a problem with Lisa. She says that I hit her.

Mark: What? Well did you?

Johnny: No, it’s not true! Don’t even ask! What’s new with you?

Mark: Well I’m just sitting up here thinking, you know? I got a question for you.

Johnny: Yeah.

Mark: You think girls like to cheat like guys do?

Johnny: What makes you say that?

Mark: I dunno. I dunno, I’m just, I’m just thinking.
Johnny: I don’t have to worry about that because Lisa is loyal to me.

Mark: Yeah man, you never know. People are very strange these days. I used to know a girl, she had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it, beat her up so bad she ended up in a hospital on Guerrero Street.

Johnny: A-ha-ha-ha! What a story, Mark!

Mark: Yeah, you can say that again.

Johnny: I’m so happy I have you as my best friend, and I love Lisa so much.

Mark: Yeah, man. Yeah, you are very lucky.

Johnny: Well maybe you should have a girl, Mark.

Mark: Yeah. Yeah, maybe you’re right. Maybe I have one already. I don’t know yet.

Johnny: Well, what happened? Remember Betty? That’s her name?

Mark: Betty?

Johnny: Yeah.

Mark: Yeah, we don’t see each other anymore. You know, she wasn’t any good in bed. She was beautiful, but we had too many arguments.

Johnny: That’s too bad. My Lisa is great when I can get it.
Mark: Oh, man, I just can’t figure women out. Sometimes they’re just too smart, sometimes they’re just flat-out stupid, other times they’re just evil.

Johnny: It seems to me like you’re the expert, Mark!

Mark: No. Definitely not an expert, Johnny.

Johnny: What’s bothering you, Mark?

Mark: Nothing, man.

Johnny: Do you, do you have some secrets? Why don’t you tell me?

Mark: Forget it! Forget it, dude!

Johnny: Is there some secret, tell me.

Mark: No, forget it, I’ll talk to you later!

Mark hands off the football to Johnny and exits.

Johnny: Well, whatever.

Denny enters, passing Mark.

Denny: Hey Johnny.
Johnny: Oh hi, Denny.

Denny: What’s wrong with Mark?

Johnny: He’s cranky today. A-ha-ha-ha. Girl trouble, I guess. What’s new with you?

Denny: Not much. Still going to the movie tonight?

Johnny: Sure, we are.

Denny: What kind of movie are we going to see?

Johnny: Well we’ll see… Denny, don’t plan too much. It may not come out right.

Denny: Alright. Let’s toss the ball around.

Johnny: Okay.

They proceed to play short-distance catch with the football while talking.

Denny: Gotta tell you about something.

Johnny: Shoot, Denny.

Denny: It’s about Lisa.

Johnny: Go on.

Denny: She’s beautiful. She looks great in a red dress. I think I’m in love with her.

Johnny: Go on.

Denny: I know she doesn’t like me because sometimes she’s mean to me, but sometimes when I’m around her, I feel like I want to kiss her and tell her I love her. I don’t know. I’m just confused.

Johnny: Denny, don’t worry about that. Lisa loves you too. As a person, as a human being, as a friend. You know people don’t have to say it. They can feel it.

Denny: What do you mean?

Johnny: You can love someone deep inside your heart, and there is nothing wrong with it. If a lot of people loved each other, the world would be a better place to live.

Denny: Lisa’s your future wife!

Johnny: Denny, don’t worry about it. You are part of our family, and we love you very much. And we will help you anytime. And Lisa loves you too. As a friend. You are sort of like her son.

Denny: You mean you’re not upset with me?

Johnny: No, because I trust you and I trust Lisa. What about Elizabeth, hunh?

Denny: Well… I love her.

Johnny: M-hm.

Denny: When I graduate from college, get a good job, I want to marry her and have kids with her.

Johnny: That’s the idea.

Denny: You’re right. Thanks for paying my tuition.

Johnny: You’re very welcome, Denny, and keep in mind, if you have any problems, talk to me, and I will help you.

Denny: Awesome. Thanks, Johnny.

Johnny: Let’s go eat, hunh? Come on, let’s go. Let’s go. I’m starving.

They exit.

Cut to an exterior panning shot of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Cut to the room, where Michelle and Lisa are talking. Lisa’s neck is bulging throughout this scene, which means very few people have ever heard the dialogue.

Michelle: So how’s Johnny?

Lisa: He didn’t get his promotion.

Michelle: Is he disappointed?

Lisa: Quite a bit. He got drunk last night. And he hit me.

Michelle: He hit you?!

Lisa: He didn’t know what he was doing.

Michelle: Are you okay?

Lisa: Well, I don’t want to marry him anymore.

Michelle: What?!

Lisa: Johnny’s okay. But I found somebody else.

Michelle: Lisa! This isn’t right. You’re living with one guy and you’re sleeping with another guy?

Lisa: I’m doing what I want to do.

Michelle: Well who is he?

Lisa: His best friend. And he lives in this building.

Michelle: I can’t believe you’re telling me this. It’s Mark, isn’t it? Lisa, you know, you’re just thinking about yourself. Somebody’s going to get hurt. You’ve got to be honest with Johnny.

Lisa: I can’t do that. He would be devastated.

Michelle: Well, if you care so much for him, why cheat on him?

Lisa: Look, I really don’t know what to do. I love Mark. I don’t have any more feelings for Johnny.

Michelle: Johnny’s so excited about this wedding.

Lisa: I know.

Michelle: You’ve got to tell Johnny.

Lisa: No guilt-trips.

Michelle: You don’t feel guilty about this at all.

Lisa: No. I’m happy.

Michelle: Something awful is going to happen.

Lisa: Please don’t tell anybody.

Cut to exterior shot of the house. Johnny is approaching. He picks up the paper.

Cut to the room.

Michelle: Don’t worry. You can trust me. Your secret is safe with me.

Johnny enters.

Johnny: Hello Michelle. I heard you. What secret?

Lisa: It’s between us women.

Michelle: Hi Johnny.

Johnny: Did you get a new dress?

Michelle: Um… well, I guess I better be going. I’ll just talk to you guys later?

Lisa: Excuse me.

Michelle: Lisa, remember what I told you.

Michelle exits.

Johnny: What’s she talking about?

Lisa: It’s girl talk. I just told you that.

Johnny: I never hit you. You shouldn’t have any secrets from me. I’m your future husband.

Lisa: You sure about that? Maybe I’ll change my mind.

Johnny: Don’t talk like that. What do you mean?

Lisa: What do you think? Women change their minds all the time.

Johnny: A-ha-ha-ha. You must be kidding, aren’t you?

Lisa: Look, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m going to go upstairs, and wash up, and go to bed.

Johnny: (shoving Lisa down onto the couch) How dare you talk to me like that! You should tell me everything!

Lisa: I can’t talk right now.

Johnny: Why Lisa, why Lisa, please talk to me, please! You’re part of my life, you are everything, I could not go on without you, Lisa.

Lisa: You’re scaring me.

Johnny: You’re lying, I never hit you. You are tearing me apart, Lisa!

Lisa: Why are you so hysterical?!

Johnny: Do you understand life? Do you?

Lisa gets up and heads upstairs.

Lisa: Don’t worry about it. Everything will be alright.

Johnny: You drive me crazy.

Lisa: Goodnight, Johnny.

Johnny: Don’t worry about it. I still love you. Goodnight, Lisa.

Cut to a long tracking shot of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Cut to an alleyway, where Johnny is walking robotically before Mike notices him.

Mike: Hey, what’s going on, man?

Johnny: Oh hi, Mike, what’s new?

Mike: Um, actually, Johnny, I got, I got a little bit of a tragedy on my hands, yeah. Me and Michelle, we were, we were making out, uh, at your place…

Johnny: A-ha-ha.

Mike: …and, uh, Lisa and Claudette sort of, uh, walked in on us in the middle of it. That’s not the end of the story.

Johnny: Go on, I’m listening.

Mike: Okay. We’re going at it, and um, I get out of there as fast as possible, you know, I get my pants, I get my shirt, and I get out of there. And then about halfway down the stairs, I realize that I have misplaced, I’ve forgotten something. Um, my underwear.

They both chuckle.

Mike: So I come back to get it, I pretend that I need a book, you know, I’m like looking for my book, and then I reach and put the underwear in my pocket, sort of slide out real quick. Well Claudette, she saw it sticking out of my pocket, so she pulls it out, and she’s, uh, showing everybody me underwears.

Johnny: You must be kidding. Underwear, I got the picture.

Mike: Yeah, I dunno what…

Johnny: That’s life.

Mike: Nah.

Johnny: Yeah.

Denny enters, with a football.

Denny: Hey Johnny! Hey Mike!

Johnny: Oh hey, Denny.

Denny: Do you want to play some football?

Some Altman-esque overlapping dialogue ensues.

Mike: I gotta go see Michelle in a little bit to make out with her...

Denny: Oh, pshhh, come on!

Mike: ...so, I'm sorry.

Denny: Football!

Johnny: Come on, it’s good for you, come on.

Mike: Alright, whatever, whatever.

Johnny: Let’s go for it.

Mike: I’m going out.

They proceed to toss the football around in close quarters, like you do.

Mike: Yeah, sorry you had to see that.

Denny: I’m not sorry!

They laugh.

Mike: Not as much as I was.

Denny: Studying, right?

Mike: Well... yeah, of course.

They laugh.

Denny: I don’t study like that.

Johnny: He doesn’t.

They laugh.

Mark enters.

Mark: Hey, Denny, what’s up?

Denny: Hey, what’s up, Mark?

Johnny: Oh hi Mark.

Denny: Catch it, come on, man.

Mike: Not much.

Denny: He’s just telling us about an underwear issue he had.

Mike: No, don’t bring that…

Mark: Underwear? What’s that?

Mike: It’s embarrassing, man, I don’t want to get into it.

Mark: Underwear? Man, come on…

Mark inexplicably shoves Mike into a trashcan.

Mike: Oh, God!

Denny: You okay? Are you okay?

Mike: Yeah, I’m fine!

Denny: Are you sure?

Mike: Yeah, uh-huh.

Denny: Do you need to see a doctor?

Mike: No, no, I’m tough. I’m good, I’m alright, I’m fine.

Johnny: Mark, why don’t you take him home? And Mike, listen, if you need anything, call me anytime, alright? Are you alright?

Mike: Yeah.

Denny: See you guys.

Mark and Mike exit

Johnny: Let’s go home, Denny.

Denny and Johnny exit with the football.

Cut to the room, which Claudette and Lisa are entering.

Lisa: You look really tired today, mom. Are you feeling okay?

Claudette: I didn’t get much sleep last night.

Lisa: Why not?

Claudette: You remember my friend Shirley Hamilton?

Lisa: Uh-huh.

Claudette: She wants to buy a new house, and so I asked Johnny if he could help her with the down payment. All he can tell me is it’s an awkward situation. I expected your husband to be a little more generous.

Lisa: He’s not my husband.

Claudette: I know, but Johnny is part of our family.

Lisa: Mom, I don’t love Johnny anymore. I don’t even like him. I had sex with someone else.

Claudette: You can’t be serious.

We see that Johnny is listening from the staircase.

Lisa: You don’t understand.

Claudette: Who? Who is it?

Lisa: I don’t want to talk about it.

Claudette: You don’t want to talk about it. Then why did you bring it up in the first place?

Lisa: I don’t know.

Claudette: You don’t know. If you think I’m tired today, wait till you see me tomorrow.

Lisa: Are you coming to the party?

Claudette: Sure. I suppose so.

They exit.

Johnny: How can they say this about me? I don’t believe it. I show them. I will record everything.

Johnny descends the staircase and tediously installs a primitive tape recorder under the phone, gives a brief grin of intense smugness, then exits upstairs.

Cut to the room, where Johnny and Peter are talking.

Johnny: I don’t understand women. Do you, Peter?

Peter: (laughs) What man does? What’s the problem?

Johnny: They never say what they mean, and they always play games.

Peter: Okay… um… what do you mean?

Johnny: I have a serious problem with Lisa. Um, I don’t think she’s faithful to me. In fact I know she isn’t.

Peter: Lisa? Are you sure?

Johnny: Yeah I’m sure, I overheard a conversation between Lisa and her mother. What should I do, Peter?

Peter: This is Lisa we’re talking about?

Johnny: Yeah.

Peter: I don’t know what to say.

Johnny: But you’re a psychologist. Do you have some advice?

Peter: It’s a complicated situation, Johnny. I mean you’re my friend. I don’t want to get between you and Lisa. Look. If you want to, you should confront her.

Johnny: I can’t confront her! I want to give her a second chance, after all, she’s my future wife. You know what they say: “love is blind.”

Peter: You’ve got a lot of faith in Lisa. Sometimes, life gets complicated. The unexpected can happen. When it does, you just gotta deal with it.

The doorbell rings.

Peter: Did you hear the door?

Johnny: Yeah. (answers the door) Oh hi, Mark. Come in.

Mark enters.

Mark: Oh, hey, Johnny. Hey Peter!

Johnny: We’re just talking about women.

Mark: (long pause) Women, man. Women just confuse me. Ahhh. I have a girl. She’s married, I mean she’s very attractive, it’s driving me crazy.

Peter: Why didn’t you mention this before? Is it anyone I know?

Mark: Nah man, you don’t know her.

Johnny: Can I meet her?

Mark: I don’t think so. It’s an awkward situation.

Johnny: You mean she’s too old, or you think I will take her away from you? Hunh?

Peter: (laughs)

Mark: (laughs) No.

Johnny: I have my own problems.

Peter: Tell me about your problems, Johnny.

Johnny: Peter, you always play psychologist with us!

Peter: Look, I’m just your friend, and I’m just worried about you.

Johnny: Lisa is teasing me about whether we are going to get married or not. And we didn’t make love in a while. And I don’t know what to do.

Peter: You never really know. I mean, look, you should tell her about your feelings, okay? You shouldn’t hide them. You two have been together forever. You can work out anything as long as you talk about it.

Johnny: Not always!

Peter: People are people. Sometimes they just can’t see their own faults.

Mark: Hey, I’m thinking of moving to a bigger place, man, I’m making some good money.

Peter: Look. You should tell her the truth. I mean you’re doing this for your girl, right?

Johnny: You’re right, Peter. Ha-ha. Is she getting a divorce, Mark?

Mark: (laughs) You guys are too much. Hey are you running, uh, Bay to Breakers this year?

Johnny: I am, sure.

Peter: I’m not doing it this year.

Johnny: Ha-ha-ha, chicken, Peter, you’re just a little chicken! Cheep, cheep cheep cheep cheep chee-ee-ee-eep eeeeeeeeeaauugghh!

Peter: Who are you calling a chicken? I just don’t like all the weirdos, there’s too many weirdos there.

Johnny: I-I don’t mind. Mark, do you remember the one with big tits, the blondie one?

Mark: How about the one with the bridal gown with the sign?

Johnny: Ha-ha yeah, “can you marry me?”, ha-ha, I thought I would take her up on it, ha-ha.

Mark: I never ate so much.

Johnny: Yeah, the barbecue chicken was delicious, rice, that was cool.

Peter: You guys proved my point. You’re both weird. You guys want to play cards?

Johnny: No we can’t. I expect Lisa any minute.

Mark: Hey come on, man, who’s the king of the house?

Peter: Yeah, you’ve got to establish these guidelines before you get married. Speaking of, how’d you ever meet Lisa? You never told us.

Johnny: Well that’s a very interesting story, when I moved to San Francisco with two suitcases and I didn’t know anyone and I have, uh, I head to YMCA with a $2000 check which I could not cash.

Mark: Why not?

Johnny: Well because it was an out of state bank. Anyway, uh, I was working as a busboy in a hotel, and uh, uh, she was sitting, drinking her coffee, and she was so beautiful, and I say hi to her. That’s how we met.

Mark: So, I mean, what’s the interesting part?

Johnny: Well the interesting part is that on our first date, she paid for dinner.

Mark: What? No tips from your job?

Johnny: Whatever. Do you guys want to eat something?

Johnny exits to the kitchen. Lisa enters.

Lisa: Hi guys. What’s going on?

Mark: Oh, hey Lisa.

Peter: Hi Lisa.

Denny materializes behind Lisa, then proceeds to stare out the window for some reason.

Lisa: Where’s Johnny?

Mark: In the kitchen. I gotta go.

Lisa: I didn’t mean to chase you off. You should stick around for a while.

Mark: I gotta work early. See ya.

Mark exits. Peter also exits. Denny crouches to the floor. Lisa also crouches to the floor.

Denny: Did you get your wedding gown yet?

Lisa: No. I’ve got plenty of time.

Denny: Are you sure you have plenty of time? It’s only a month away.

Lisa: It’ll be fine. What are you so worried about? Everything’s okay.

Denny: Johnny doesn’t seem very excited. Is there a problem?

Lisa: There’s no problem. Why do you ask?

Denny: I just want you and Johnny to be happy.

They both stand up.

Lisa: I am happy. Look, Denny, I need to talk to Johnny. Okay? I’ll see you later.

Denny: Okay. Tell him I said hello?

Lisa: Yeah.

Denny exits.

Cut to the roof. Peter enters. Mark is sitting on the roof, clad entirely in denim, smoking what might be a joint.

Peter: Hey, Mark. What’s up?

Mark: Oh, hey Peter.

Peter: It’s a good place to think up here, isn’t it?

Mark: What, man, you want to put me on the clock?

Peter: What the hell is that?

Mark: You want some? It’s good, bro.

Peter: No, I don’t smoke that stuff.

Mark sighs and takes a drag.

Peter: You look depressed.

Mark: I got this sick feeling in my stomach, man. I did something awful. I don’t think I can forgive myself.

Peter: Tell me about it.

Mark: I just feel like, like running. I’m killing myself. Something crazy like that.

Peter: Why are you smoking that crap? It’s no wonder you can’t think straight. It’s gonna screw with your head.

Mark: It’s none of your business, man. You think you know everything. You don’t know shit.

Peter: Listen, who do you think you are? You’re acting like a kid. Just grow up.

Mark: Hey, who are you calling a kid? Fuck you!

Peter: Just chill out, Mark. I’m just trying to help. You’re having an affair with Lisa, aren’t you?

Mark: What?

Peter: Am I wrong?

Mark gets angry and ineffectively tries to push Peter off the roof.

Peter: What are you, nuts? Gahhh!

Peter shoves Mark away.

Mark: Sorry. Sorry man, you okay?

Peter: Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s just talk about your problem.

Mark: You’re sure you’re okay.

Peter: Yeah.

Mark kicks over a chair and a table.

Mark: Goddammit man, fuck. Why do you want to know my secret, man? Well you’re right! It’s Lisa. I don’t know what to do, man. I’m so depressed. It’s all her fault, she’s such a manipulative bitch!

Peter: How the hell did you let this happen?

Mark: Fuck!

Peter: You know this is going to ruin your friendship with Johnny? What were you thinking? Alright, you want my advice? Sometimes, life can get complicated, and you’ve got to be responsible. So you don’t see Lisa again, and you definitely don’t sleep with her again! Just find yourself another girl. She’s a sociopath! She only cares about herself. She can’t love anyone.

Mark: Whatever, dude. Come on.

They exit together.

Cut to an exterior shot of a church in San Francisco.
Write the lyrics for a misc song made in 2003, titled "The Room screenplay: Act III", by artist "Tommy Wiseau".