Mr. Rogers Interviews Billy the Bassist
National Lampoon
Hi. We're going to talk about some nice things today. Did you know that? Sure. Some special things for you, and some special things for me too. We have a special guest here today. Can you say that? Guest? Sure, I knew you could. We're going to talk today to a musician; a guy who plays the bass. You know what a bass is, don't you? Can you say that? Don't? Sure you can.

Mr Rogers: Hello. How are you?

Billy Bob: You think somebody can get me a cup of coffee or somethin?

Mr Rogers: You're not used to getting up early.

Billy Bob: Huh ... I'm not here yet.

Mr Rogers: What time do you usually get up?

Billy Bob: I usually get up when the sun is warm, like 1:30, 2:00 in the afternoon.

Mr Rogers: I like to get up around 6:30.

Billy Bob: That's insane. You're stupid.

Mr Rogers: Oh.

Billy Bob: You should sleep late man. It's much easier on your constitution.
Mr Rogers: We're going to talk about your bass and how big it is, and things like that. It looks like a violin, but it's bigger, isn't it?

Billy Bob: It's a hell of a lot bigger.

Mr Rogers: Can you say ...

Billy Bob: Violin's a little wimpy thing.

Mr Rogers: Can you say wimpy?

Billy Bob: Wimpy.

Mr Rogers: That's right.

Billy Bob: Little wimpy thing.

Mr Rogers: I like the way you say that, did you know that?

Billy Bob: I do now! What the hell, you're easily amused, aren't you. I say wimpy wompy wambley.

Mr Rogers: I know what you mean. You know something? I like what your face does when you play. It kind of gets all kind of scwinched up.

Billy Bob: Yeah somebody told me once that my face when I play the bass, it looks like some sort of ah ah like big jellyfish or somethin like that, it just keeps movin.

Mr Rogers: Sure.
Billy Bob: You can never identify what the face is, it's real ugly sometimes, it's really weird, looks like a ...

Mr Rogers: Sure.

Billy Bob: Fruit or somethin.

Mr Rogers: Tell me some of the things you think about when you're playing, some of the images. Because of course when you're playing I thought about things like sheep and things like that, little candies, fresh little candies and things like that. Do you think of those things too?

Billy Bob: Oh, I basically think about my financial situation. I count every like beat that I play when I play, and I figure how many notes I give in into the space you know ...

Mr Rogers: Uh huh. Sure.

Billy Bob: Out into space for how much I'm gettin paid and I am workin' cheap.

Mr Rogers: Must be hard to sort of struggle to get your band together.

Billy Bob: Oh man, especially when you be liftin piano man. That is the worst. I worked as a mover for two years while I was first gettin the band together and also I also made pizza.

Mr Rogers: But now you're making music so the story sort of has a happy ending, doesn't it?

Billy Bob: Uhh, it's yeah it's sort of a happy ending. We just got the shaft from a record company that promised to pay us a certain amount of royalties.

Mr Rogers: Oh that's too bad.

Billy Bob: They said all sorts of stuff when into pre-production.
Mr Rogers: That's too bad.

Billy Bob: They be chargin us for typewriters, they be chargin us for ... stamps they say. How much is a stamp? You know? I'll buy the god damn stamp.

Mr Rogers: Sure. I know what you mean. Well I'm sure a lot of people our there would like to know how a big, strong guy like you who plays the bass so well gets to be so strong, what he eats to be like that. Can you tell us that?

Billy Bob: Well I eat a lot of garbage food, but I mainly subsist on stuff like sandwiches and tins of tuna, chicken ... something like that from a change store ... Soda.

Mr Rogers: Do you ever have Egg McMuffin?

Billy Bob: Sometimes, either that or cheese prainish.

Mr Rogers: Can you say Egg McMuffin?

Billy Bob: Eggamuffin, yeah.

Mr Rogers: Well I know what I'd like to do now. I'd like to hear you play some bass.

Billy Bob: I'd like to do that.

Mr Rogers: Well, we're going to go to the magic kingdom.

Billy Bob: Oh no, it's too early for me. I gotta drive.
Write the lyrics for a rock song made in 1977, titled "Mr. Rogers Interviews Billy the Bassist", by artist "National Lampoon".