Quicksand
John Mulaney
Hi, hi, hello! Hi! Hahaha, how are you? Thank you, that's very nice of you, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. That's so nice of you, I hope you're having a good week, thank you for being here!

I uh, I'm doing well myself. In a couple days I'm going to turn twenty-nine years old and I'm very excited about that. I was hoping, uh, by now that I'd look a bit older, but it didn't happen
I don't look older I just look worse, I think. Honestly, when I'm walking down the street no one's ever like, "Hey, look at that man!" I think they're just like, "Whoa! That tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child! You can't keep burning the candle at both ends!" You ever seen on "America's Most Wanted" when they age a photo of someone? Just take my kindergarten photo and yellow the teeth and put bags under the eyes and be like, "This is what he would look like now."

I was a very nervous kid, I was anxious all the time when I was younger, but what's nice is that some of the things I was anxious about don't bother me at all anymore. Like, uh, I always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. Because if you watch cartoons, quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about in adult life behind real sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky. I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand. I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life, I was never like "Oh, what's it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?" Now that I've gotten older, not only have I never stepped in quicksand—I've never even heard about it! No one's ever been like, "Hey if you're coming to visit, take I-90 'cause I-95 has a little quicksand in the middle. Looks like regular sand, but then you're gonna start to sink into it."
Write the lyrics for a misc song made in 2012, titled "Quicksand", by artist "John Mulaney".