Hard to Be the Bard
Wayne Kirkpatrick
[SHAKESPEARE]
My days are so busy, it's making me dizzy
There's so much I gotta do
There's lunches and meetings and poetry readings
And endless interviews
Gotta pose for a portrait and how I deplore
Sittin' there for eternity
Then it's off to the inn where my innkeeper friend
Wants to name a drink after me
Then it's back to my room, where I resume
My attempt to write a hit
Just me and my beer and the terrible fear
That I might be losing it

[SHAKESPEARE (MANSERVANTS)]
And it's hard (It's hard)
It's hard (It's hard)

[SHAKESPEARE & MANSERVANTS]
It's really, really hard
So very, very hard
[SHAKESPEARE (MANSERVANTS)]
I make it look easy but honey, believe me
It's hard (It's hard)
It's hard (It's hard)
It's so

[SHAKESPEARE & MANSERVANTS]
Incredibly hard
So inconceivably, unbelievably hard

[SHAKESPEARE]
It's hard to be the bard
(spoken)
Honestly, I don't know how I do it.  There's only so much of me to go around

[SHAKESPEARE (MANSERVANTS)]
I've got so many fans with so many demands
I can hardly go take a piss (He can't pee)
Be it theater freak or the autograph-seeker
They all want a piece of this (Gimme, gimme)
It's a cross that I bear, I'm like Jesus, I swear
It's a burden but I suffer through it (He is suffering)
It's all part of the game, the trappings of fame
But somebody's gotta do it (So he does it)

And I know, I know, I gotta go
And get back to my pen and ink
Oh, don't make me do it
Don't make me go through it
Can somebody get me a drink?
'Cause it's hard (It's hard)
It's hard (It's hard)
It's really, really hard (It's really hard)

[SHAKESPEARE & MANSERVANTS]
It's sexy but it's hard

[SHAKESPEARE (MANSERVANTS)]
This bar that I'm raising
To be this amazing!
It's hard (It's hard)
It's hard (It's hard)
It's so

[SHAKESPEARE & MANSERVANTS]
Annoyingly hard
So unavoidably, un-enjoyably hard

[SHAKESPEARE]
It's hard to be the bard, baby
(spoken)
Ugh. I know writing made me famous, but being famous is just so much more fun. You see...
(sung)
What people just don't understand
Is that writing's demanding
It's mentally challenging and it's a bore
It's such a chore
To sit in a room by yourself
Oh my god, I just hate it!
And you're trying to find an opening line
Or a brilliant idea and you're pacing the floor
And hoping for just a bit of divine intervention
That one little nugget, that one little spark
Then Eureka! You find it, you're ready to start
So now you can write, right? Wrong!
You're not even close, you remember that, damn it
Your play's gotta be in iambic pentameter!

So you write down a word but it's not the right word
So you try a new word but you hate the new word
And you need a good word but you can't find the word
Oh, where is it, what is it, what is it, where is it?
Blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-ah-ha-ha—

[VALET, spoken]
Sir?

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken]
Hello!

[VALET, spoken]
You asked for information on what Nicholas Bottom is writing. Our spy is here with the news

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken]
Did he see me losing it?

[VALET, spoken]
He's half blind, sir

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken]
Oh, good. Then he only saw half of it. You see what I did? Ha ha...

[VALET, spoken]
Oh, yes, yes, yes, wonderful, ha ha

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken]
Speak, man. What news?

[EYEPATCH MAN, spoken]
I saw Nick Bottom, I did. He paid a soothsayer to foresee what Shakespeare's greatest play would be

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken]
That sneaky little thief! Why doesn't he come up with his own ideas!?

[MANSERVANTS]
It's hard

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken]
No, it is, isn't it?

[SHAKESPEARE (MANSERVANTS)]
It's really the worst (It's hard)
Makes me wonder why I didn't think of that first (It's hard)
Hard to alleviate the pressure to create (It's hard)
Hard to do something as good as the last thing I did that was already great (It's hard)
It's hard (So hard that he is stealing from the bard)
Well I'll hoist him by his petard
All that I need is a clever disguise (Clever disguise)
I'll make him pay for his devious lies (Devious lies)
Let him do all the tedious stuff
The work that's terribly and unbearably hard (Oh, hard)

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken]
All right, Nick Bottom. I think Shakespeare needs to find out what Shakespeare's next big hit will be!

[SHAKESPEARE (MANSERVANTS)]
'Cause it's hard! (It's hard, it's totally hard)
It's hard! (It's hard, it's totally hard)
It's hard! (It's hard, it's totally hard)
Fortune and fame
Everyone knows my name
I can't help it, it's still freaking hard
Write the lyrics for a pop song made in 2015, titled "Hard to Be the Bard", by artist "Wayne Kirkpatrick".