The Speed Test
Original Broadway Cast of Thoroughly Modern Millie
[MR. GRAYDON, spoken]
Take a letter. To a Mr. John Hudson, Hudson's Floor Wax. You will find an invoice in the file for the address. "Dear Mr. Hudson," colon:

(sung)
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation

When the floor wax that we bought from you
Arrived here Monday morning
We discovered upon usage that the fumes
Should have a warning

Since the only possibility
Is that your wax is rancid
I request a full refund of all
The money we advanced

And unless you can convince me
You've improved the floor wax batter
We will take our business elsewhere
So, I hope you solve this matter
(spoken)
How's my speed, Miss Dillmount?

[MILLIE, spoken]
A little slow, perhaps

[MR. GRAYDON, sung (faster)]
Ah!
Enclosed you'll find a small container
Of the stuff I talk about
Just carefully remove the lid
And take a whiff if you've a doubt

I'm sure you wouldn't want me
To alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office
Was affected by your vapours

Which is why I choose to write to you
A confidential letter
Full of strong recommendation
That you make your floor wax better

I just hope it won't require us
To have our floor relaid and
If it does you may expect a bill
Sincerely, Trevor Graydon
(spoken)
Now, read that back to me please

[MILLIE, spoken]
Certainly. "Dear Mr. Hudson," colon:

(sung)
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation

When the floor wax that we bought from you
Arrived here Monday morning
We discovered upon usage that the fume
Should have a warning

Since the only possibility is that teyour wax is rancid
I request a full refund of all the money we advanced

[MR. GRAYDON, spoken]
Nice!

[MILLIE, sung]
And unless you can convince me
You've improved the floor wax batter
We will take our business elsewhere
So, I hope you solve this matter
[MR. GRAYDON, spoken]
Not half bad. Continue please

[MILLIE, sung (faster)]
Enclosed you'll find a small container
Of the stuff I talk about
Just carefully remove the lid
And take a whiff if you've a doubt

I'm sure you wouldn't want me
To alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office
Was affected by your vapours

Which is why I choose to write to you
A confidential letter
Full of strong recommendation
That you make your floor wax better

I just hope it won't require us
To have our floor relaid and
If it does you may expect a bill
Sincerely, Trevor Graydon

[MR. GRAYDON, spoken]
Miss Dillmount, may I speak frankly?

[MILLIE, spoken]
Yes?

[MR. GRAYDON, sung]
If I could be so lucky
As to have a good stenographer
To keep this place as up-to-date
As her short skirt and bobbed coiffure

I wouldn't have to worry 'bout
Our soured office planking
And could concentrate on generating
Profits ripe for banking

That is why I'm testing you
With this outrageous correspondence
Which I don't intend to actually mail
To the respondents

So if you can make sense of my unintelligble patter
Then the job is yours and Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter

[MILLIE]
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter?
Matter, matter, matter, matter
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter?
Matter, matter, matter, matter

[MR. GRAYDON (simultaneously)]
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter!
Matter, matter, matter, matter
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter!

[OFFICE WOMEN (simultaneously)]
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter!
Matter, matter, matter, matter

[MR. GRAYDON, spoken]
Now, I want that letter on my desk in two minutes flat. Man your machine! Go!

[tap dance break]

Time! "Dear Mr. Hudson,"

[MILLIE and OFFICE WORKERS]
Colon

[MR. GRAYDON]
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation

When the floor wax that we bought from you
Arrived here Monday morning
We discovered upon usage that the fume
Should have a warning

Since the only possibility is that the wax is rancid
I request a full refund of all the money we advanced
And unless you can convince me
You've improved the floor wax batter

We will take our business elsewhere
So I hope you solve this matter

[MILLIE and OFFICE WOMEN, sung]
So I hope you solve this matter
So I hope you solve this matter
So I hope you solve this matter
Matter, matter, matter, matter

[MR. GRAYDON]
Going on

Enclosed you'll find a small container
Of the stuff I talk about
Just carefully remove the lid
And take a whiff if you've a doubt
I'm sure you wouldn't want me
To alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office
Was affected by your vapours

Which is why I choose to write to you
A confidential letter
Full of strong recommendation
That you make your floor wax better

I just hope it won't require us
To have our floor relaid and
If it does you may expect a bill
Sincerely, Trevor Graydon

You have made the team Miss Dillmount!

[OFFICE WORKERS]
You have made the team Miss Dillmount!

[MILLIE]
Tell me where my desk is
When we eat lunch
How much I'll be paid, and
Nice to meet you, I know we'll be friends
Just call me Millie Graydon

[MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS]
Millie Graydon?

[MILLIE]
I mean Dillmount!

[MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS]
Millie Dillmount?

[MILLIE]
Someday Graydon!

[MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS]
Graydon? Dillmount? Dillmount?
Graydon? Graydon? Dillmount?

[MILLIE]
Graydon!

[ALL]
Ahh!
Write the lyrics for a pop song made in 2002, titled "The Speed Test", by artist "Original Broadway Cast of Thoroughly Modern Millie".