57553
I am a 32 year old American male. I dated a Japanese female from Kobe for
three years. She is now 35 years old, married with a baby. I met her in Kobe,
where I lived as well. We haven't spoken in about four years.

This summer I am going to Kobe and expect I will see her. The reason is
because I would like to apologize for how I treated her. I will write her a
Facebook later asking if we can meet, whereupon I will explain myself.

My question is what kind of language should I use? How formally should I write
the letter and speak to her in person? Should I say "お久しぶりです" or "久しぶりやな！",
for example. Or 神戸弁で、「最近何しとん？」? (When we were going out and even just friends
afterwards we would always use the casual form, and often Kobe-ben 神戸弁. This
was in a kind of playful way, because she is from Kobe, and I love the Kobe
region.)

Since the purpose of my meeting her is to apologize for some of the things I
did, there will be a tone of remorse. However, she is a very warm and kind
person, not too formal either, so I expect she will still treat me kindly.
Thus I do not want to be too formal if she will not be. However, I do not want
to inappropriately suggest intimacy that is no longer there, if doing so
crosses boundaries.
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2018-03-23T14:05:56.413
57490
2018-03-27T00:18:08.340
2018-03-27T00:18:08.340
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question
culture formality email
Formality when talking to ex girlfriend
My impression is that the language in written correspondence such as emails
tends to be on the more formal side of the language in face-to-face
conversation.

In addition to that, things have changed in your relationship with her, so I
think being more conservative in your choice of tone (such as です・ます調) might be
better.

(Interacting with ex-boy/girlfriends always carries the risk of causing
trouble — with the ex-partner or with the new partner (or both) — so by
contacting her, you will likely put her in an awkward position. I would
consider twice if asking her to meet with you really has the effect you are
hoping to achieve. As mentioned in the comments,
[Interpersonal.SE](https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/) might be a good
place to ask about this.)
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2018-03-27T00:16:00.443
57553
2018-03-27T00:16:00.443
1628
57490
answer