76407
2 things recently have just not made sense to me

**1)** is from a visual novel. In one scene the main character is on a date
with his superior from work. She's confessing her love for him, but the main
character uses です ます the whole time. Even though they're literally on a date??
His superior uses the plain form too.

Another scene from the novel is a flashback to the main character being
_rather intimate_ with his high school senpai. Again, the whole time he uses
です ます and she doesn't.

**2)** is an answer for this question about the difference between はい and はいです
<https://hinative.com/en-US/questions/273470>

One answer said

> はいです is some slung to break はい. we seldom use はいです except among very closed
> or trusted relationship.

I assume they meant slang, and ignoring whether はいです is common or not, I don't
understand why the です version would be used in close relationships as opposed
to the plain version.

**So my questions are**

**Could someone explain to me just how important it is to acknowledge that
someone is your senpai? And what effect would it have if you DIDN'T use polite
speech with your superior, even when you're close to them?**

I don't understand in the examples above why the character still seems to be
respecting that someone is their senpai even though they're outside of work or
school, and ESPECIALLY since they're on a date or being intimate.

**And could someone explain why はいです would be more intimate than はい? If はいです
isn't really a thing, then are there situations where using です ます is better
for a close relationship?**

Thank you! ありがとうございます
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2020-04-06T00:19:44.323
76389
2020-04-07T16:12:05.643
30841
question
politeness business-japanese
Why do people use です／ます in some intimate situations?
**Disclaimer:** I am by no means an expert, and am actually still learning
Japanese myself, but I have been interested in these subjects for quite a long
time myself, so these are my own observations (I welcome any corrections by
more knowledgeable folks):

When polite speech (です/ます/etc) is used and when it's not can be a very complex
and subtle matter. New learners are often taught that it is about social
standing (senpai/kouhai, employer/employee, etc), and quite often it is, but
this is really only one of a multitude of factors that enter into things in
real-world interactions. Some of the other factors that often come into play
are:

  * Social and emotional distance

Is this someone you've just met, or have you known them since childhood? Are
they always friendly towards you, or are they usually cold and aloof? Are they
somebody you really like, or just somebody you talk to from time to time?

  * Confidence / Assertiveness

Plain speech can sometimes express self-confidence or assertiveness (but in
other contexts, this can come across as coarse, or aggressive). On the other
hand, polite speech (in circumstances where it might not usually be used) can
sometimes signal deference or timidity.

  * Gender (and gender expression)

Polite speech is often seen as being more "feminine", and plain speech is
often more "masculine". Sometimes this is used deliberately, for example, for
women to project a more masculine image, or men to seem more effeminate.

  * Age

Young children pretty much exclusively use plain speech. As they become older,
they tend to develop more of a sense of the intricacies of social
relationships, and learn to use polite speech, but even once they understand
polite speech thoroughly, the use of casual speech is still quite common
amongst most young adults, partly because of the people they tend to interact
with (largely peers), and I suspect to some extent as a way of establishing
their own independence, etc. Older folks (no doubt conditioned by years of
workplace interactions, etc) often end up speaking more politely. (These are,
of course, all very rough generalizations, and there are many many
exceptions.)

  * Relative Age

Likewise, the relative age between the speaker and the listener can be a
factor. In general, the more difference there is in age (either direction),
the more likely people will tend toward polite speech. (Some of this comes out
of the "social distance" aspect as well. Age differences inherently add some
distance.)

  * Comfort level

Some people who are less confident in social situations may default more
toward polite speech (as erring on the side of politeness is less likely to be
taken badly, etc). For some, this can even be an unconscious thing where their
speech patterns may change depending on their level of anxiety at any given
time. For others, talking more casually may be something reserved only for
when they are truly comfortable with other people (and can be a sign of real
trust, etc).

  * Personal feelings towards the other person

The use of unusual polite or casual speech can sometimes signal that you are
angry with someone, etc. (For example, if a husband or wife suddenly starts
talking politely to their spouse when they don't usually, that might indicate
annoyance, or perhaps more serious relationship issues.) This can also be used
jokingly, of course.

  * Speaker's personality and background

Some people just tend to speak more politely or more casually than others, as
a matter of their own personality and the way they present themselves to the
world. This may be a deliberate choice, or it may just be a factor of how they
were raised, etc. Sometimes, people who speak politely all the time can come
off as "stiff" or "off-putting", but sometimes it can be seen as endearing,
etc, too. Those who tend to use casual speech a lot can project an image of
being "rough and tumble" or "keeping it real", etc. (but sometimes also just
"coarse" or "rude")

  * Social Situation

The particular situation one is in can, of course, play a factor, but an
important thing to note here is that quite often, the current context or
situation (e.g. being on a date) actually does _not_ have as much to do with
this as one might think. In many cultures, the way one interacts with others
is a question of what role they are playing at the current time, and changes
depending on the setting, but in Japanese, the way one interacts with another
has much more to do with who the two people are and their relationship as
people, which does not actually change just by going to a different location
or doing a different activity.

So, given all this, why might someone be speaking politely even when on a
date? There are all kinds of possible reasons (maybe even more than one at the
same time):

  * At a basic level, he doesn't see their relationship as having changed significantly, just because they're on a date. (Particularly if this is a first date, etc, they're still primarily coworkers first, not suddenly friends or lovers just because of one date, etc.)
  * He wants to express that he respects her (not necessarily just as a boss, but also as a potential love interest).
  * He doesn't want to seem "too familiar" (i.e. creepy)
  * He's anxious about the current situation and can't relax enough to feel comfortable using more casual speech.
  * He actually isn't that interested in her romantically and doesn't want her to get the wrong idea (that speaking casually to her might indicate a desire to be closer).
  * He might have some emotional repression issues, etc, and using familiar speech in such a situation might feel like more of an emotional/personal expression than he's comfortable with.
  * It may just be habit, and habits are sometimes hard to break.
  * That's just the way he always talks, or the way he was brought up, and there's really no special meaning to be read into it.

It's also worth noting that the whole question of "are we close enough for it
to be ok to change the way we talk to each other?" is a very common
problem/trope/etc in personal/romantic relationships (and in particular comes
up _all the time_ in anime/manga/etc). There are no hard rules, and it can be
very confusing even for a lot of Japanese people to figure out, particularly
if they're in the middle of the relationship themselves, so quite often every
individual has a slightly different answer.

It's also probably worth noting that in many cases, for those who are fluent
in the language and social interactions, the choice of polite or casual speech
isn't even necessarily a conscious thing a lot of the time; it's just
automatic, based on what "feels" right. Sometimes people may not even be able
to explain why they use one or the other in a particular situation without
stopping and pondering it themselves for a while first. So you can't
necessarily assume that the type of speech being used in a particular instance
was actually a deliberate choice, or always has a really logical reason.

As for 「はいです」 and such, the truth is that there are a number of common
Japanese expressions that on their surface seem to be polite speech, but in
actuality are only used in casual or intimate contexts. This is often because
the casual equivalent (「はい」) became so common over time that it ended up being
the normal way to say things even in polite speech, so then the more unusual
form took on a more "special" meaning, just by nature of its being something
people don't normally say. In some ways this is similar to how seemingly
neutral words like 「あなた」 ("you") can also end up having other meanings (e.g.
"honey"/"dear") in more casual/intimate contexts.

Unfortunately, these are usually just expressions you need to learn are
special on a case-by-case basis..
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2020-04-07T16:12:05.643
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answer