I'm a JP>EN translator who mainly works on novels. I've been doing some
research into dialogue attributions, their differences between languages, and
ways to translate them effectively and naturally. I've identified a variety of
types of dialogue attribution in Japanese, and I have some questions for the
more difficult ones. I'll be using examples from Miyuki Miyabe's 龍は眠る as she
is, to my knowledge, a technically proficient writer (although I only own the
Japanese version and not the English translation to compare with).

Also, I understand that this is kind of bordering between "question" and
"discussion," so if it's gravely against the rules or something, do what you
need to do. A lot of my questions involve whether something is "acceptable" or
somehow losing meaning.

  1. **Attribution directly after dialogue**

> 「何か轢いたのかな？」慎司は素早く言った。

This seems easy, but I notice I don't see it very much at all compared to its
direct English equivalent. Sometimes I see it with a と in between, sometimes
not.

> "Did we run over something?" said Shinji quickly.

  2. **Pseudo-attribution directly before dialogue**

> 慎司がちょっと頭を上げて、小声で言った。「モニカっていうんだ」

I call it "pseudo" because it's not in the same sentence, but given the two
following options, combining them with a comma instead of the original period
seems more natural.

> Shinji looked up a little, then said in a soft voice, "Its name is Monika."

However, I have noticed in some cases it can feel better to use the period
like the author does. I'm pretty sure doing either is okay in a translation.

  3. **Attribution on the following line**

> 「どうですか？」
>
> 慎司が大声で聞いた。

This is where it starts to get hairy. I personally feel like this is the sort
of thing that should be combined into one paragraph in English, but is okay in
Japanese. Is there a general consensus among translators for this? Because
this is how I would state it. It just looks more natural to me.

> "How does it look?" asked Shinji in a loud voice [loudly].

  4. **Pseudo-attribution on the following line**

> 「まさか。木の枝か何かだろう」
>
> そう受け流しながらも、私もなんだか嫌な感じがした。

For this one I'm going to straight up ask if modifying the paragraph structure
like this is okay:

> "I'm sure it was just a tree branch or something," I said, brushing it off.
> Still, I had a bad feeling about this too.

I don't honestly know--does Miyabe breaking it up like she does carry some
kind of additional meaning? Would I instead leave it something like:

> "I'm sure it was just a tree branch or something."
>
> Though I brushed it off, I had a bad feeling about this too.

  5. **Split lines with actors changing in the middle**

> 「お仕事中に、まことに申し訳ありません」
>
> 生駒が口を切ると、川崎は鷹揚な感じで手を上げた。
>
> 「かまいません。ちょうど授業のあいだですから」

Literally translated, this sentence structure--correct me if I'm wrong--almost
never comes up in English, but I see it somewhat often in Japanese. And it
looks awkward if you keep the paragraphs the same. Below is my personal method
of translating things like this. Is it okay? Should I not be juggling phrases
around so much, or is the sacrifice worth it for the sake of good flow?

> Ikoma broke the silence. "We're terribly sorry for disturbing you during
> work."
>
> Kawasaki lifted his hands in a generous way. "I don't mind," he said. "I was
> just between classes."

I add a "he said" in to add sentence variety, since moving both those phrases
before their respective quotations makes it feel pretty flat. Plus, Japanese
doesn't have that quick, mid-sentence attribution you see all the time in
English to break up multiple sentences of dialogue.

  6. **A certain light novel author's method of attribution**

I figured I'd throw this one in because I run into it a lot in a novel series
I'm translating professionally (and you could probably learn which one from
the dialogue) and have difficulty handling it over and over again.

> 「お疲れ様です、警部」
>
> 「全く、骨折り損とはこのことだ」
>
> 白み始めた空の下で、笑い出すのを堪えていることが丸分かりな部下を叱責するでもなく、千葉警部は他人事の様にぼやいた。

This is a veritable mess to translate. If I keep the paragraph structure, it
turns into something like this (dialogue liberally translated):

> "Nice work out there, Chief."
>
> "Man, that was a waste of energy."
>
> Under a sky beginning to whiten, without scolding his subordinate who was
> very obviously holding back laughter, Chief Chiba muttered, as though it
> were someone else's problem.

The dialogue attribution is technically present--waaaaay at the end of that
sentence. Is the following structural change considered kosher? Is the
original even considered good writing in the first place?

> "Nice work out there, Chief," said Inagaki as the sky started to brighten,
> very obviously holding back laughter.
>
> Chief Chiba didn't bother to scold him for it. "Man, what a waste of
> energy," he muttered, as though it were someone else's problem.

This author does this _all the time_ and it drives me up the wall. Sometimes
there's even a _second_ dialogue attribution present in the same sentence,
too, in the middle of all the descriptions. Does anyone have any advice when
handling things like this?

Phew. In any case, I apologize for the long-winded question. I enjoy doing
research like this, but I've only been doing this job for a couple years, and
these things don't quite make sense to me just yet.
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question
translation dialogue
Japanese dialogue attributions and English ways to translate them
I read your question, then skimmed some Japanese novels, very few English
paperbacks I have, a translation of an English novel, and finally think I'm
coming to understand how interesting your question is.

Though I'll not able to be of much help on how to translate them, let me share
my two cents about how these things go on in Japanese from a native speaker's
viewpoint.

Before discussing your examples, I'd like to say I don't think such a notion
of "attribution" technically exists in Japanese writing. Authors are usually
in no hurry to attach some "said he" snippets around a dialogue. It's partly
due to Japanese word order problem, and as you said, that Japanese lacks a
short expression to insert into the middle of a sentence. But what I think
most important is that a Japanese dialogue is supposed to manifest basic
information of _who_ said it _to whom_ , _in what manner_ without the assist
of narrative. The diversity of (pseudo-)pronouns, honorifics, ending
particles, and sometimes flexibility of orthography all contribute to
identification of the situation, dispensing with frequent use of
"attribution", especially those intermixed with dialogues.

If you ask what you are seeing in those examples, I'd say they're something
like _stage directions_. Average literary passages involving dialogues are
written as if play scenarios with overwhelmingly detailed stage directions,
and that is standard style of Japanese novels. Dialogues go uninterrupted, and
further descriptions run around them.

* * *

  1. **Attribution directly after dialogue**

> 「何か轢いたのかな？」慎司は素早く言った。

It probably doesn't affect the translation, but with or without と is a big
deal grammar-wise. The passage above has _two_ sentences, where it'd be _one_
if you insert と after the quote.

  3. **Attribution on the following line**

Breaking lines before and after a dialogue is the standard way we've learned
in the composition class while in the elementary school. Putting narration and
dialogue in one line is rather a subtle technique, so to speak.

  6. **A certain light novel author's method of attribution**

> _Is the following structural change considered kosher? Is the original even
> considered good writing in the first place?_

Yes, it's good writing. Otherwise how could he sell over seven million copies?
(And you're translating this? Wonderful, good luck!) I'm not good enough in
English to judge the validity of the adaptation, so I'd like only to point out
a grammatical concern, that 白み始めた空の下で "as the sky started to brighten" is
qualifying 千葉警部 in this sentence. I'd visualize a shot centering Chiba who
stands with his back to the brightening sky from the original passage.
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answer