 that really puts you on edge and we start to see threat where maybe there isn't any and then this is when we can become very critical right and start to let it erode the relationship and one of the things i tell my couples often is that um this person is experiencing addiction right we don't want to say like i'm an addict and kind of really overly identify with this and that oftentimes we focus so much on the addiction that we stop caring for the relationship and that person