 But I wanted to race again, and the only way to race is to deny it and follow the party line, right? There was no way for me to admit that I had done that and ever expect to race again. And I wasn't ready to accept that it was over just like that, although I should have, because that really was the end of my career. But I wasn't ready to face that. I mean, I'd gone from the high point of my career to having to contemplate never racing again, and...