 the God of my understanding was gone and had been gone for a long time. And I couldn't find a way to get back to that. And I, I tell people this, there was a time when I was a kid where I believed in Santa Claus and life was great. The biggest concern was what are you getting for Christmas? There was no worries, no fears. And I was so far away from that guy that I was deeply ashamed, not of things I'd done. I was deeply ashamed of who I became. Yeah.