 uh-huh so not in the heat of the moment right because when we get in the heat of the moment we get reactive and so when it's agreed upon we can look and say okay my kid just crossed a line by you know breaking a curfew or driving without the supervision that they were supposed to have but we knew that when they did that the consequence would be a loss of this privilege or this type of you know additional chore added to it and so you and the child can look at each other and say i'm