 after it happened, minus the couple of times you meet with people's wives or their husbands are dead, or, or you talk a little bit about those missions, but not with any substance that I talk about it probably for 20, 20 years after that. But I just, it all turned to anger. It all turned to blame and pointing fingers. And, and not until I started getting better, did I realize how bad I had become? And then I realized the group of people I was hanging around were just the same and we weren't helping each other. We were just,