 and they're not the hook but the buck stops with the husband when when eve ate of the fruit and then adam ate of the fruit god looked at adam and said what what has happened right he looked to him and so we i think we are the ones that are charged with loving in this way leading in this way if the communication culture in the household is souring or we're growing distant i don't look to the husband and say how are you going to solve this how are you going to