 that I have the guilt from my partner's death, and now I have the guilt of attempting suicide weighing on me. So when I wasn't on duty, I was drinking to try and suppress everything. I started drinking heavily. As soon as I'd wake up, I'd sit in the garage, had a fridge full of beer, and I'd start drinking. Now, I started telling myself, you know what, alcoholics drink a lot. And I was like, I can't do this.