 a couple things one is you can say listen we need to go to counseling so I can learn how I can be a better husband it's about me it's not about you sweetheart so but I need input from you so that I can learn how to be a better husband and that can be helpful sometimes and then sometimes the deal is like listen I just I just ask you to as a gift to me go to two sessions and if you don't like it we'll quit from there alright so but focus on you not her and what you need and not what she needs alright