 at all and so just knowing that I mean the fact that here you are you know listening to relevant radio and you know striving to be a good Catholic and realizing that you're kind of struggling each day up and down but but you're there and you're and you're you know by the grace of God and by your own choice you remain faithful to him like that's and and and maybe that's as you've been going through this period of excruciating sorrow and suffering which which I'm so very sorry