 you know i know the doubts of the difficulties you're talking about but but in a way you know looked at it from the other side what that suffering did what that pain did um is it perhaps it it pulled you out of yourself we all have this tendency to kind of fall into ourselves and sometimes like a surgeon you have to pull something out and and god will use pain to kind of pull us out so that we start thinking bigger thoughts about our lives about the direction of our lives and start thinking more seriously about him and about our relationship to him