i couldn't help imagining that there was someone out there somewhere who was now amused by looking at me, how i had lived for the whole 30 - 40 years, learning, developing, growing in body and spirit, and how i was now, having completely strengthened my mind, having reached the peak of life from which it opens all of her, - like a fool i stand on this peak, clearly realizing that there is nothing in life, and there has never been, and there will never be. and it's funny to him... but whether or not there is someone who laughs at me, it doesn't make me feel any better. i could not give any reasonable meaning to any action, nor to my whole life. i was only surprised how i could not understand this at the very beginning. all this has been known to everyone for so long. not today, but tomorrow, diseases and death will come  and they have already come  on loved ones, on me, and nothing will remain but the stench and worms. my affairs, whatever they may be, will all be forgotten - sooner, later, and i will not be there. so why bother? how can a person not see this and live - that's what's amazing! you can only live as long as you are drunk with life ; and when you sober up, you can't help but see that all this is just a deception, and a stupid deception! that's right, that there is nothing even funny and witty, but simply cruel and stupid, another russian thinker, leo tolstoy, argues in his confession. 