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【不登校】本当の友達の作り方
【不登校】本当の友達の作り方
心理・メンタル
2020.07.04 2020.07.03
えむへい
こんにちは。
元高校教師、元不登校生、元不登校生の親、えむへいです。
今回は不登校の人たちに向けて「友達の作り方」というテーマで記事を進めていきたいと思います。
目次
【不登校】本当の友達の作り方
そもそも不登校生は友達ができにくい
友達はSNSでも十分作れる
むしろ不登校になると「本当の」友達に出会う確率アップ！
①困ったときでもそばにいてくれるのが本当の友達
②SNSで同じ境遇の人を見つけられる
でもそもそも友達ってほんとに必要？
まとめ
【不登校】本当の友達の作り方
以前私はこんなツイートをしました。
簡単に友達を作る方法
＊自己主張しない
＊聞き上手に徹する
＊常にニコニコしてる
＊流行の話題をおさえる
＊愚痴や文句を全く言わない
＊相手の表情から気持ちを読む
結論
こんなの疲れるから無理に作ろうとしなくていい。
— えむへい@元高校教師が不登校を考える (@emuheiblog) April 30, 2020
実際ほんとに上記に挙げた6点を確実にこなせば、たいていは少なくとも何人かの友達はできます。
基本的に人は誰かに話を聞いてもらいたい生き物です。
だから、無条件に自分の話を一生懸命聞いてくれる人に対しては悪い印象は持ちません。
ということで皆さん、「人の話をニコニコ聞いてさえいれば友達は簡単にできますよー！」
…っていう話でこの記事は終わりではありません。
ツイートの最後の一文にも書いていますが、そんな自己犠牲的なスタンスだと、いくら周りからある程度は好かれるとはいえ、こちらの方が疲れてしまいます。
えむへい
そんなの不公平すぎます！
しかも不登校の人の場合は、またさらに少し状況も異なってきます。
次項からは不登校の人は一体どうやって友達を作ればいいのか、ということについて説明していきます。
そもそも不登校生は友達ができにくい
まずそもそも論なんですが、残念ながら不登校の人は友達に関しては作りにくい状況にあります。
なぜなら、基本的に友達は「学校でできるもの」だからです。
友達の大事な条件の一つに「体験の共有」があります。
これは同じ時間、同じ場所で何かを一緒に体験することで、関係性が深まるというものです。
やっぱり同じ体験をすると、その人との仲は深まります。
そして、そのような体験をするのに絶好の場所が「学校」なんですよね。
だからその機会が少ない不登校の人は、そもそもどうしても友達ができにくい状況になってしまいます。
別に性格などの問題だけではないんです。
友達ができにくいのは「状況」のせいが大きいと言えます。
でも一方では、「友達がたくさんいる不登校の子」もいます。
えむへい
自分で言うのもなんですが、私がそうでした。また、不登校だった私の子どももそうだったと思います。でもこれは要するに「周りに気を遣い過ぎていただけ」とも言えるんですけどね…
ということで、普通に考えれば不登校の人はどうしても友達が作りにくいです。
また、中には不登校になる前から友達ができにくかった、なんて人もいると思います。
でもその場合だって、別に自分の性格に問題があるとは言い切れないです。
だって、たかが30～40人のクラスなんですよ？
その中で自分とぴったり相性が合う人がいない場合だってそりゃありますよ。
私の教師経験からすると、友達が少ない子というのは、たいてい「周りより個性が強い子」が多かったです。
秀でた個性に周りがついていけずに孤立化するというのはよくあることです。
だから繰り返しますが、「自分の性格がだめだから友達ができないんだ…」なんて、変に落ち込み過ぎなくてもいいですからね。
友達はSNSでも十分作れる
では、不登校の人や友達がほとんどいない人はそのまま友達を作るのはあきらめた方がいいのでしょうか？
えむへい
そんなことはありません！
家にいたままでも、自分と同じような体験をしていて、そしてお互いの気持ちが分かり合える人と出会える方法があります。
えむへい
そう！「SNS」です！
別に実際に直接会うとか、話す人だけが友達というわけではありません。
実際会うには会ってても、表面上の付き合いだけで気持ちが通じ合っていない友達というのも世の中にはたくさんいます。
今は昔と違って、TwitterやInstagramなどのSNSが発達しています。
SNSでも十分心を通じ合える友達ができます。
むしろ不登校になると「本当の」友達に出会う確率アップ！
むしろ、不登校の人は「本当の友達」を見つけやすくなると私は感じています。
その理由は以下です。
①困ったときでもそばにいてくれるのが本当の友達
②SNSで同じ境遇の人を見つけられる
①困ったときでもそばにいてくれるのが本当の友達
自分が不登校だったときや、自分の子どもが不登校だったときを振り返ってみると、共通してみられた現象があります。それは以下です。
不登校になったら友達が減った
とても悲しいことなんですが、不登校になると友達が減ることが多いです。
理由は先述の通り、「体験の共有」が減るからです。
「体験の共有」が少ないと、どうしても共通の話題も減ってしまうので、だんだんと「一緒にいても話すことがない…」となってしまうんですよね。
あとはまあ、普通のライトな関係性だと、悩んだり苦しんだりしていて、いつもネガティブなことばかり言う人とは一緒にいて楽しくないと感じ、離れていってしまう人も多いです。
これはある程度はしかたないことです。
でも、中にはそんなときでも、こちらから離れることなくずっとそばにいて寄り添ってくれる人がいます。
それが「本当の友達」と言えるでしょう。
言葉はちょっとあれですが、自分がピンチになったときには「友達の厳選」ができてしまうんですよね。
不登校で辛く苦しいときにも、自分から離れずに残ってくれる友達のことは、そのあともずっと大切にしたいと思うし、また、自分もいつかその人のために何かをしてあげたいと思いますよね。
②SNSで同じ境遇の人を見つけられる
これは先述の通りです。
SNSだと、自分と同じような境遇で悩み苦しんでいる人を見つけやすいということがありますよね。
そしてまた、顔も素性も知らない者同士だと、かえってお互いに自分の気持ちを素直に出せるということもあります。
私は大人になってからSNSを始めましたが、自分が不登校のときとか、自分の子どもが不登校だったときから始めていれば良かったなあと思います。
そうすればあんなに孤独に悶々と悩むこともなかったかもしれないなあと感じています。
でもそもそも友達ってほんとに必要？
ということで、「不登校の人でも友達は作れますよ」という話をしてきましたが、でもぶっちゃけ、以下のことも私は言いたいです。
友達はいなくてもいい
「はっ？！」っていう感じかもしれませんが、実は私は結構そう思っています。
確かに私は子どもの頃や若い頃には友達がたくさんいたほうだと思います。
でも、大人になった今となっては、もうほとんど友達はいません！（笑）
これは本当に大げさな話ではなく、ここ数年、友達と遊んだり、ご飯を食べに行くということが私はありません。
えむへい
でも別に平気です！
これは決して強がりではなく、うーん…何だろうな、「楽」なんですよね。
確かに友達がいると、この記事で書いてきたように、辛かったり悩んだりしていたときは助けてくれることもあります。
そしてそれによって自分の人生が劇的に明るいものになる場合もあります。
でも一方では、やっぱり他人なので気を遣わなきゃいけないことも多いです。
私は人一倍、他人に気を遣ってしまう性格なので、結構それで疲れてしまうことが多いんですよね。
プラス面だけでなくマイナス面の方もけっこう大きいというか…
原因不明の不登校「ＨＳＰ」を理解して生きやすい人生を送ろう
最近よく目にする「ＨＳＰ（共感力が高い人）」についての記事です。原因がはっきりしない不登校の多くはＨＳＰによるところが大きいのではないかと私は感じます。
emuheiblog.com
2020.06.11
それに、仕事上で知り合った人とは普通にご飯とか行くので、別に完全に孤独というわけではありませんしね。
それに、何か悩むことがあっても、家族や仕事上の付き合いの人にも相談はできますし、わからないことは今はネットで十分調べることができます。
だから別に友達はいらないなあと。
まあこれは私個人の感覚、または大人特有の感覚かもしれないので、学生の人たちにはがっちり当てはまらないかもしれないんですけど、でもしょせん友達なんてそんなもんですよ、ということです。
私の人生にとっては「マスト」なものではないということですね。
だから、「自分は友達がいないからもう人生が楽しくない、周りと比べて不幸だ…」なんて決して思わなくていいです。
「友達はいてもいいけど、別にいなきゃいなくてもいい」というのが私の結論です。
まとめ
今回の記事をまとめます。
・不登校の人に友達ができにくいのは当たり前
・それでも残った友達が本当の友達
・SNSでも十分友達は作れる
・でもそもそも友達は別にいなくてもいい
今回の記事は以上です。
最後まで読んでいただきありがとうございました。
ではまた。
心理・メンタル
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