Yeah, you heard me.

I live in Providence, we just got almost 3 damn feet of snow dumped on us ruthlessly because Old Man Winter is being a schmuck. Well, Old Man, you just met your match.

I killed my last pair of snowboots during the Great Snowpocalypse of 2010, and because we skipped winter last year and went straight to spring in January, I didn't realize how bad the salt and ick that Providence uses to pretend to treat the roads with damaged my cheap Payless boots. Well, let's just say duct tape couldn't effectively cover the hole. Being the frugal, optimistic sort. I decided to wait and see if we got a significant snowstorm of merit to bother investing in boots that would save my heels from cold wet death.

Returning from Florida in early January to find snow caked on the ground, and the fair citizens of Providence doing their best to avoid treating their sidewalks in this pedestrian heavy city, I knew I would have a problem. You see, Amazon, Providence, at best, takes our tax dollars and shoves them in a Swiss bank account, so it takes about 2 weeks before we're plowed out of anything significant. I needed boots, and I needed them fast.

I hate Crocs. Let's face it, they're fugly, people. But, I do know what Crocs are capable of doing. Aside from making excellent fireside projectiles at your annoying friends during a favorite medieval re-creation war in Pennsylvania, they can be hosed off and wiped down in the muddiest grubbiest situations. That's their point of existence, at least I hope, as they aren't very fashion forward. Either way, easy maintainance and perma-dry feet is just what I need in this sloppy Lovecraftian nightmare. Being I'm too hipster to own a car, and HAVE to live on the Westside so I can walk everywhere.

I received these boots and put them on, ready to take on the slush of New England's finest street slurpee. My toes looked ridiculous, and I got some horrific looks on campus where other girls sneered wryly at my inability to adhere to society and join the Ugg Boot Mafia. Well, screw your nasty suede boots. These suckers ROCK.

Nemo did his worst, and I went out there like a boss, and stuck my foot in a 3 foot drift. It was awesome. My feet were warm, dry, and protected from the craggy, frozen wasteland that had become my city. Considering it took Providence 2 full days and a backhoe to even find my street before they actually PLOWED it, I knew, it if wasn't for these boots, I surely would have perished.

Why four stars instead of five? Well, they are not the most comfortable shoe in the toe area, and don't expect to walk on ice with them. At. All. You will fall on your butt or pull a Dr. Atkins. A pair of crampons (ever NEED crampons to walk in an urban area? You do in Providence when it snows.) will do the job...or a couple of days of 50 degree weather.

So thank you, Crocs, and thank you, Amazon, for ensuring my protection against sharp ice-laden streets and the dangers of wet cuff. Those 6 inches we're getting tonight shouldn't matter to me...just the poor schmucks that have to wait another week for our street to be plowed.