This shirt is absolutely AMAZING!

I arrived home after a long drive from the plant to see a strange man standing next to my door, it was the UPS delivery man protecting my package from thieves and bandits likely to try and swipe it if they knew what the package contained. Upon him handing it over I noticed that package was bulging and growling. I immediately kicked the door to my trailer open and ripped open my package to discover the most amazing product manufactured by men, my three-wolf moon tee-shirt.

Upon carefully removing the protective cellophane cover, I noticed the smell of ozone and motor oil emanating from the shirt. The wolves seemed to dance for me as their intoxicating odor crept deeper into my lungs. I fell into a trance and began to slip the shirt on. I felt wave upon wave of intense heat as the incredibly detailed wolves pressed closer against my skin. Walking towards the door, I noticed my reflection in the broken mirror I keep near my urine-stained bathroom. To my amazement I had instantaneously grown a mullet of the likes known only to Joe Dirt.

With my great haircut and newly discovered manliness, I walked outside to borrow the neighbor's pink BMX. I had to get to the Red Lobster and see what this baby could do. As I began to peddle I heard honking and hooting from the entire trailer park, dogs were barking, cats meowing, and shirtless bums running towards me in awe. I stood high on said BMX and peddled fast, faster than I ever could before!

Once the door to the `Lobster swung open automatically I realized just how powerful I had become. The hawt waitress with the leopard print leggings offered me a canned beer from her `personal stash'. She recommended the crab legs, I growled, she obeyed.

Within minutes the entire female staff came to ask me about my shirt and the gorgeous style I was sporting on my once-bald head. There was no need for words, the red flare in my eyes and constant bark from my chest answered all. I ravaged my meal while being careful not to overfeed my wolves. I prepared to exit, but there was some unfinished business. I whistled to my leopard print lover, grabbed her by the arm, and engulfed her entire face with my crab-soaked `stache. She immediately threw her apron down, flicked off her boss, and jumped on me piggy-back style.

The rest my friends, is history.