I had all of my important Christmas shopping done weeks ago. But there were still the 'Others' on my list -- the in-laws, for instance, the catty neighbors and the dyslexic mailman -- to buy for. I searched long and hard to find just the right items to let them know that I'm not really interested in exchanging presents any longer -- that from now on, every gift begins with 'GUH!'

I bought one of these for my cousin Ted last Christmas. Cousin Ted isn't especially a fan of Christmas. Or children. Or small, needy, squirming objects sitting on his lap. Cousin Ted should've thought of all that before he 'decided' not to be in the family gift swap back in '08, AFTER he drew my name.

Because now Cousin Ted has a Santa suit. And the whole family -- including all sorts of squirmy, grabby, squealing little children -- KNOWS that Cousin Ted has a Santa suit. Therefore, Cousin Ted == Santa.

It didn't pay off right away. But so far this December, Ted's played the fat man for two nephews' birthday parties, a Peewee football fundraiser and a school play, reporting that the outfit is 'itchy', 'sweaty' and 'like a red flannel prison'. He's starting to make the Grinch look like George Bailey. Oh, well -- at least one of us is jolly!