I've always wanted to be in the circus -- performing under the big top with the plum-smuggling club jugglers and those bendy girls who can eat lunch off their own rear ends.

But I always figured my lack of talent, fumbly fingers, fear of heights, generous size, brittle joints, two left feet, terrible aim and severe caramel corn allergy would keep me out of the show forever. Until I came to Amazon and realized everything I need to fulfill my clown-shoed dream is available right here.

I figured I should look the circus part, so I ordered a pair of these tights. And when they say 'tights', they're not just whistling Dixie. In fact, if they were wearing a pair of these, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be ABLE to whistle. Or breathe, especially. I sneezed while wearing mine, and blew out a big toe.

On the same note, they're not especially flattering on certain body types. I checked myself in the mirror, and it looked like somebody had stretched cheesecloth over two lopsided watermelons. I'm not even going to say whether I was facing front or back at the time. Just be glad this isn't a video review, is all I'm saying.