How do you review a product that single-handedly changed your life, made you love wearing dresses, and handed you a gigantic victory on the blood-soaked battlefield of the war of self love? Is it possible? I don't know how to include a video of me singing a ballad that I wrote about how much I love these things.

You'll just have to imagine it. Imagine I'm also playing a grand piano and it's in black and white and I'm wearing a dress with no stockings and I'm also moving around like a jungle cat because my THIGHS FEEL AMAZING AND CHUB RUB IS A THING OF THE PAST. Old me NEVER would have worn a dress like the one in my video because I would have spent the rest of the night limping around like I just got off a horse.

But that was old me. The me before Bandelettes. And that me is dead. And she will never come back, because I will never EVER be wearing a dress without my Bandelettes ever again. That's right, stockings, you dead to me. I don't need you no mo'. Peace out.

You know what else rocks? The fact that these babies don't slip or move or do ANYTHING but save your thick gorgeous thighs from some angry red welts. That's right. Nothing standing between you and loving your sexy, gorgeous thighs, except these SEXY AS HELL LACY BANDELETTES.

Okay, so it wasn't a music video with my love song for the Bandelettes. You'll just have to imagine that. And when you do? Know that my thighs are SO not red and welty.