Rewrite this post, but so that a 3rd grader could understand it.

I prefer big phones.

Despite the circlejerk around these parts wanting smaller phones. I am a big phone lover.

I want a phone so big that if it slips from my hand instead of going inside the toilet it doesn't fall inside but instead lands on the toilet seat.

I want a phone so big that when it falls on my face I go to sleep

I'm talking over 8 inches.

Phones have completely changed man. Some people fit a Nexus 7 in their pockets. Nowadays the biggest we can get is either foldable or a 2018 phone.

Like there are phones made bigger with bigger footprints but since there were heavy on the bezels they weren't that much bigger.

Surely I'm not the only one who wants a gigantic phone with a gigantic battery.
Here is a possible rewrite of the post for a 3rd grader:

I like big phones very much.

Some people want small phones. But I don’t. I want a big phone.

I want a phone so big that it can’t fall into the toilet. It can only sit on the toilet seat.

I want a phone so big that it makes me sleepy when it falls on my face.

I want a phone bigger than 8 inches.

Phones are different now. Some people can put a big tablet in their pockets. But we can’t get very big phones now. Only phones that can fold or old phones.

Some phones look big but they are not. They have too much space around the screen.

I hope I’m not the only one who wants a huge phone with a huge battery.