text: I'm the sort of guy who has a bit of trouble adapting to normal life. I'm still bemused and puzzled the mechanics of toilet-flushing. My wife (may she rest in peace) bought me this book as an anniversary present last month before she was tragically torn apart by a rabid pack of alligators at a Wyoming nature preserve. Anyway, life moves on.
  
  Much to my disappointment this book did not teach me everything I should know how to do. "But Fred," you might be saying (and I'll be saying "Fred isn't my name, idiot!"), "how do you know what you should know if you don't know what it is to begin with?"
  
  Ah, well, let me explain. See, if Tchikavoslky taught me one thought, it was this: I know nothing.
  
  So it is with this deep insight into my own mind that I came up with the following Things I Should Know, based on what I currently do NOT know:
  
  1. How to start a hurricane. This is very important.
  
  2. How to kill a man with a toothpick. What if you met a hitman at a fancy restaurant and found out your were his next victim? Scary.
  
  3. How to run a nuclear powerplant with a one-man army. I don't want to be the next Homer Simpson!
  
  4. How to raise children. I've raised ten and still haven't figured out what a diaper is.
  
  5. What a diaper is. I don't know, my wife used to talk about them a lot.
  
  6. How to drive. Sure, technically we're supposed to learn how BEFORE we get our driver's licenses, but like many people, I just got a fake one when I was 12 and have been driving since then. I've been in over three hundred vehicular accidents and been charged with five counts of manslaughter, so I figured it might be good to learn how to drive.
  
  7. How to stalk a celebrity. You just never know.
  
  8. How to put on underwear without leaving stain marks. You fellas know what I'm saying!
  
  9. How to make coffee. People ask me to all the time, and because I don't know how, I just take some warm water and pour mud in. Thankfully no one's noticed my inadequacies yet, but I'm sure soon enough they will, after another person dies of food poisoning and internal infection.
  
  10. How to kill yourself. I don't want the aliens to get anything out of me when I'm taken hostage. I saw it in that Tom Cruise movie, and it was sure scary!
  
  So with these things in mind, I'm severely disappointed by this book, and feel it is mis-marketed and stupid.
  
  Please, Barbet Schroeder (or whoever the author was), write a better book next time
  