text: Seems amidst the turbulence and brouhaha of that James Frey fiasco, anybody who now pens their auto-bios have to first be as famous and beloved as Billy Crystal.  But then they can only put out the cotton-candy Coney Island fluff as '700 Sundays' is.  
  
  Granted, the book is based on Crystal's highly-praised Tony Award winning theatrical performance about time with his father and relatives when growing up during the 50s et al.  But it's nothing more than an appetizer to fill in and/or tide one over during the day and night Kaddish.  Yet in ripping a page out of Billy's book, it's not hard to imagine how that rapid-fire exchange between him and his agent went.  It probably went something like:
   
  "Hey, bubby, how about writing a book talking about your 700 Sundays with your pop?"
  
  "Well, I'm not a writer per se.  I just jot down a few notes here and there, and then go out and perform the material on stage."
  
  "So here's a few blank pages of paper; write down what you have."
  
  "It'll only be 45 maybe 50 pages at most; and it sounds and looks much better than it reads."
  
  "Don't worry, bubby, I know people who know people who...you get the idea...at the publishers.  Here's their recipe: They'll take your 50 wholesale pages and spread `em out across 180 retail pages.  'How?' may you ask!  Well, they'll cut `em in half, then cut `em in half again.  And using big ink letters so even grandmas can read it without their glasses; surround it by a whole lot of white space; toss in some pictures at different angles from your family album -- Slap it all together between two hardcovers...It'll be just fine."
  
  "Yes, but..."
  
  "Don't worry.  Consider it like a vintage bottle of Mogen David 20/20 wine, aged a few months before it makes it to the shelves of your favorite corner liquor store hangout.  In this case, the local bookstores.  Oh, and make sure you give `em just enough to whet their taste buds; leave `em wanting more and thirsty for more.  People'll drink it up."
  
  "Yes, but..."
  
  "Don't worry, Face.  Everybody loves ya.  Just toss in a few tidbits from your routines about Satchmo and Mantle, you'll be all right.  Don't forget now, we've got the sequels all lined up for ya too. Y'know `700 Mondays;' then `700 Tuesdays' and so on.  Yes'sir, I can see it all now:  We've got the lock on all those 700 days of the week shtick.  Oh, and we'll do some holiday editions too, starting with `700 Hanukkahs!'
  
  "You're still friends with that kid, Adam Sandler, back from your SNL days, aren't ya?!  Yes, so we'll get you and him together to come up with new lyrics to that Hanukkah song of his.  It'll be a great collaboration.  It's good to pass down the ladder to them other kids climbing up once you've made it. Y'know God blesses and doesn't forget those things by them who do.  Yes, ok, so we'll go ahead from there and do `700 Passovers!'
  
  "And it'll be an annual event too, dont'cha know.  Just think, when people see Chuck Heston...may God keep a special place in heaven for him...when people see Chuck Heston and The Ten Commandments, they'll be thinking about you too, Billy.  Yes'sir, we'll have em crying and laughing every year on Passover, you'll see.
  
  "Oh, and holy of holies, out of the deal we'll get `700 Yom Kippurs!'   You'll see.  But this will be only for our people, Billy, you understand.  So you might have to dig deep to get material for it.  But that's what authors do, they dig deep.  But you already knew that, right?  Can you dig it, man?  I knew that you could.
  
  "Yes, but..."
  
  "Don't worry, Face, everybody loves ya!  Your books don't have to be earth-shattering or thought-provoking or anything like that.  But hey listen, with a book deal, a books-on-tape deal, and who knows even a movie deal, we'll turn your little leaden bits into golden nuggets.  Mark my words we will. 
  
  "And say, since you haven't had a hit movie in awhile...no offense...we're going to get Martin Scorsese to produce and direct your life story.  Yes, it'll be something like 'Pinch Me I'm Still Jewish: The Billy Crystal Story' in widescreen and all that jazz.  It's what everybody in Hollywood's doing right now.  Yeah, no use waiting until your dying or dead already, Billy - God forbid.  No, siree, bubby!!  
  
  "So Scorsese will do the movie on the cheap, because God knows the man deserves an Oscar already.  You know it, I know it, we all know it, Billy.  And not just an honorary or lifetime achievement either, but the really big one, see!  And just imagine, wouldn't it be something if you were hosting the awards ceremony and handed Marty his own Oscar?!  Yes, well, we can schmooze on about all this stuff later.
  
  "But for now, with the books and everything, you'll be a one-man franchise, yes you will!  You'll be on the New York Times Best Seller List from now until forever!  It'll be great!!"
  
  "Yes, but..."
  
  "Oh and well, I didn't want to say anything just yet, but, okay, here goes: There might be plans to expand everything too!  Listen, bubby, I know somebody who knows somebody who...you get the idea...over at the networks.  
  
  "We can do a little Chris Rock in the neighborhood sort of thing.  We'll put a kid who looks and acts like you - about as tall as you - into the neighborhood that you and your family lived in, see.  
  
  "And it's going to be a period piece too!  We'll introduce all the new kids to the stars of yesteryear -- y'know, Cantor, Jolson, Jessel, Durante!  Throw in some goniffs and shiksas that the cast can work off of every week -- It'll be fun!  
  
  "Chris Rock is great.  But you can be greater too.  Listen, Face, we'll make it a celebration.  Something like 'Growing up Mazel Tov!'  Maybe we get 700 shows out of it.  Maybe less, maybe more, but people will still love it anyway.  You'll see!"
  
  "Yes, but, well, I'm not really a writer/author.  I'm an entertainer, so why would I want to do any of this?"
  
  "We could make a couple of dollars!"
  
  "Okay. I'm in!"
  
  And so it went and so it goes.
  
  Final analysis: A So Not Looking Mahvelous, Better Luck Next Time, With All Due Respect, Sadly Not Recommended Book. 
  
  