text: Hey, Katy! Guess what I got you for the holidays?
  What?
  The greatest gift there is! Friendship!
  Aw, Andy!
  Were two best friends
  With holiday cheer
  Were wrapping lots of presents
  And going caroling
  Were two best friends
  At the end of the year
  Were wearing funny hats
  And watching Lion King
  Two best friends eating cornish hens
  Look! Its a handsome drug addict!
  Hows it going?
  Do you wanna be best friends with us too?
  Enh...
  Okay
  Three best friends with holiday cheer!
  Were smelling all the flowers
  And munching on pizza!
  Were stealing socks
  And digging through trash
  And paying for our meth with sexual favors!
  Three best friends
  Eating Cornish Hens 
  Oh, no, were good...
  No--
  Four best friends
  And we all love meth!
  And holiday cheer!
  And huffing on gas fumes!
  Kill me...!
  With four best friends
  Fun never ends!
  Great! Ill go first!
  {gunshot}
  Aww...
  Okay, fuck this, Im out of here
  No, wait, dont leave me with him! Ah...
  Looks like its back to two!
  {Birdman clears his throat}
  Two and a half friends!
  Im finally free!
  Im going to the mall to have sex with a white girl!
  Oh
  So...
  Okay, uh, bye
  Dont wait up
  Two guys left
  {The machine activates. Lincoln appears.}
  Sup
  Three best friends!
  Slavery is bad!
  This button is jammed!
  {The machine activates again. Amelia Earhart appears.}
  Im the first woman pi-
  Four best friends!
  {The machine activates again. Marilyn Monroe appears.}
  Five best frie-
  {The machine activates again. Julius Caesar appears.}
  Six-
  {The machine activates several more times.}
  Got it!
  Were all best friends with holiday cheer
  Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
  Kill me!