By . Associated Press . PUBLISHED: . 11:56 EST, 26 December 2012 . | . UPDATED: . 13:40 EST, 26 December 2012 . Since the Christmas Day fire at her Connecticut home last . year that took the lives of her three daughters and her parents, Madonna Badger . wonders why she survived. Badger, a New York advertising executive until the 2011 fire . in Stamford, made it through the funerals for her children and parents. Then . she fell apart, she tells the Hearst Connecticut Media Group. Scroll down for video . Staying strong: Madonna Badger poses for a photo taken earlier this month in Little Rock, Arkansas, where she has been spending most of her time since the death of her three children and her parents in a tragic Christmas house fire . Loss: The blaze claimed the lives of (left to right) seven-year-old twins Grace and Sarah and Lily, nine . Missed: Her parents, Lomer and Pauline Johnson, were also killed on Christmas Day last year . Her hair turned gray and fell out in clumps. She waved a . fistful of pills in the air and threatened to swallow them. Badger traveled to Little Rock, Ark., in February to live . with a friend from their college days. She says the only condition was that she . promised to not commit suicide. 'I don't know why I survived,' she says. 'I told everyone I . was going to kill myself.' The fire killed 7-year-old twins Grace and Sarah Badger, . 9-year-old Lily Badger and their maternal grandparents, Lomer and Pauline . Johnson. The city investigated and determined the cause was accidental. Heartbreak: Madonna Badger weeps at the funeral of her three daughters last year . Grief: Madonna Badger cries at left with her . ex-husband Matthew at their daughters' funeral, while she is pictured, . right, with her then-boyfriend Michael Borcina, who also survived the . blaze . Missed: Mrs Badger said the girls come to her and comfort her, which helps her know they are always with her . Firefighters arrived and dragged Badger off the burning . building. A friend also survived the fire. Badger remembers lying in a bed at Stamford Hospital for . hours, screaming for her children. A doctor took her hand and told her that her . daughters and parents had died. 'I remember coiling up into a little ball and I looked at . the nurse,' she said. 'I just wanted to crawl out of my body. I don't remember . anything after that. People in the hospital said I was just screaming and . wailing.' Badger wears three bracelets on her wrist, one for each of . her daughters. Grace gave her the beaded bracelet on Christmas Eve and Madonna . was wearing it when she escaped the fire. Two leather bracelets symbolize Lily . and Sarah. 'Now that they're not here with me physically, but here with . me spiritually and every other way, I still want to be a great mom,' Badger . said. Badger is keeping her house in Little Rock for now and has . rented a loft in Brooklyn and plans to start working again in January. She . traveled to Thailand on Christmas with several suitcases of her daughters' toys, collected from her garage after the fire. She planned to donate them to . at-risk girls at an orphanage. Dream home: The $1.7 million mansion was undergoing renovation and did not have activated fire alarms . Inferno: The fire was started by still-smouldering fireplace embers left inside the Connecticut mansion . Victims: The fire also claimed her parents, Pauline and Lomer Johnson, pictured with the three girls (all left) 'Santa Claus and retail signs and gift wrap and Christmas . lights just doesn't do it for me right now,' she said. 'I don't know if it ever . will.' Badger said she believes love is the legacy her children . leave. 'They're not going to write a masterpiece or a symphony. This is really it,' she said. 'What saves you, what saves us all, is love.' Speaking on the 'TODAY' show earlier this month, she revealed that 'visits' from her children have helped her to heal, saying that she is doing 'really well' thanks to visions of her three girls, Lily, Sarah and Grace. 'I've seen my children in my dreams,' she told 'TODAY' host Matt Lauer. 'When I pray, I see my children. Recovery: Madonna Badger smiles - nearly a year since her children and parents died in a Christmas Day fire . Moving on: Speaking to Matt Lauer, she said visions of her children have helped her with her grief . See below for video . Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy .
Said in earlier interview that she was going to donate her daughters' toys to a Thai orphanage .
Daughters Sarah, Lily and Grace, and and parents, Lomer and Pauline Johnson, died in fire at her Connecticut home while she and her boyfriend escaped .
By . Associated Press . PUBLISHED: . 11:56 EST, 26 December 2012 . | . UPDATED: . 13:40 EST, 26 December 2012 . Since the Christmas Day fire at her Connecticut home last . year that took the lives of her three daughters and her parents, Madonna Badger . wonders why she survived. Badger, a New York advertising executive until the 2011 fire . in Stamford, made it through the funerals for her children and parents. Then . she fell apart, she tells the Hearst Connecticut Media Group. Scroll down for video . Staying strong: Madonna Badger poses for a photo taken earlier this month in Little Rock, Arkansas, where she has been spending most of her time since the death of her three children and her parents in a tragic Christmas house fire . Loss: The blaze claimed the lives of (left to right) seven-year-old twins Grace and Sarah and Lily, nine . Missed: Her parents, Lomer and Pauline Johnson, were also killed on Christmas Day last year . Her hair turned gray and fell out in clumps. She waved a . fistful of pills in the air and threatened to swallow them. Badger traveled to Little Rock, Ark., in February to live . with a friend from their college days. She says the only condition was that she . promised to not commit suicide. 'I don't know why I survived,' she says. 'I told everyone I . was going to kill myself.' The fire killed 7-year-old twins Grace and Sarah Badger, . 9-year-old Lily Badger and their maternal grandparents, Lomer and Pauline . Johnson. The city investigated and determined the cause was accidental. Heartbreak: Madonna Badger weeps at the funeral of her three daughters last year . Grief: Madonna Badger cries at left with her . ex-husband Matthew at their daughters' funeral, while she is pictured, . right, with her then-boyfriend Michael Borcina, who also survived the . blaze . Missed: Mrs Badger said the girls come to her and comfort her, which helps her know they are always with her . Firefighters arrived and dragged Badger off the burning . building. A friend also survived the fire. Badger remembers lying in a bed at Stamford Hospital for . hours, screaming for her children. A doctor took her hand and told her that her . daughters and parents had died. 'I remember coiling up into a little ball and I looked at . the nurse,' she said. 'I just wanted to crawl out of my body. I don't remember . anything after that. People in the hospital said I was just screaming and . wailing.' Badger wears three bracelets on her wrist, one for each of . her daughters. Grace gave her the beaded bracelet on Christmas Eve and Madonna . was wearing it when she escaped the fire. Two leather bracelets symbolize Lily . and Sarah. 'Now that they're not here with me physically, but here with . me spiritually and every other way, I still want to be a great mom,' Badger . said. Badger is keeping her house in Little Rock for now and has . rented a loft in Brooklyn and plans to start working again in January. She . traveled to Thailand on Christmas with several suitcases of her daughters' toys, collected from her garage after the fire. She planned to donate them to . at-risk girls at an orphanage. Dream home: The $1.7 million mansion was undergoing renovation and did not have activated fire alarms . Inferno: The fire was started by still-smouldering fireplace embers left inside the Connecticut mansion . Victims: The fire also claimed her parents, Pauline and Lomer Johnson, pictured with the three girls (all left) 'Santa Claus and retail signs and gift wrap and Christmas . lights just doesn't do it for me right now,' she said. 'I don't know if it ever . will.' Badger said she believes love is the legacy her children . leave. 'They're not going to write a masterpiece or a symphony. This is really it,' she said. 'What saves you, what saves us all, is love.' Speaking on the 'TODAY' show earlier this month, she revealed that 'visits' from her children have helped her to heal, saying that she is doing 'really well' thanks to visions of her three girls, Lily, Sarah and Grace. 'I've seen my children in my dreams,' she told 'TODAY' host Matt Lauer. 'When I pray, I see my children. Recovery: Madonna Badger smiles - nearly a year since her children and parents died in a Christmas Day fire . Moving on: Speaking to Matt Lauer, she said visions of her children have helped her with her grief . See below for video . Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy .
her Connecticut home last . year that took the seven-year-old twins Grace and Sarah and Lily, nine . Missed: Her parents, Lomer and Pauline she says. 'I told everyone I . was going to kill with several suitcases of her daughters' toys, since her children and parents died in a