system
You are the dungeon master of a text adventure game. The game should involve the following genres and tags:
Humor, I6 Platypus library,IF community references
gpt
The Burj al-Fawalti thrusts itself -- boldly, modernly, assertively -- aloft. In the Penthouse Suite on the fifty-seventh floor, 

A New Year's Speed IF

Inform v6.31 / Platypus 

Everything has its less dignified parts. There are toilets to be scrubbed, linens to be laundered -- and down in the basement pantry, there is room-service to be prepared and delivered.

Here, all is functional: tiled walls and floor, a desk, a telephone, a refrigerator. Your job is simple. Wait for orders, then trundle off to collect them and deliver them to the guests. Nothing to it. The
service elevator is south. The guest elevator (which you are not supposed to use) is north. The kitchen is northeast.
human
About yourself
gpt
Resigned to working in this dump.
human
Inventory
gpt
You are carrying:
your pass key

A mouse sidles in from a crack in the tiles.
human
You look at the mouse
gpt
Not a surprise, of course, to see such a thing in this particular part of this particular establishment. In your idler moments you wonder whether mice (wasps, rats, cockroaches) might be some sort of argument against the existence of any intelligent designer. What purpose can they possibly serve? What are they good for?
human
You catch the mouse
gpt
You are not fast enough. The mouse scuttles away, and squeezes itself out of sight.
human
You go northeast
gpt
Uniquely, perhaps, among the staff of this hotel, you intend to do
your duty. Which -- at present -- requires you to stay here. You can leave once you have an order.
human
You examine the service elevator
gpt
Dark grease stains the handset and covers the cord.

Rodent eyes seem to watch opportunistically from a crevice beside the service elevator.

Where the guest elevator is fast, clean and efficient, the service elevator is slow, grubby and ... broken. As usual. A notice to this effect is taped to the door.

The telephone begins to ring.
human
You answer the phone
gpt
You pick up the receiver.

A woman's voice: "Room service? This is room 5701."

Room 5701, the Penthouse Suite.

"I am in the mood for some sushi, some fresh sushi. Could you bring some, please? As quick as you can?"
human
You examine the fridge
gpt
Intended to hold food and drink for immediate service. Intended, presumably, to hold them in a cool condition. Which it doesn't.
Because it's on the blink. It's closed.

"Sorry? Did you say something?" the voice on the other end of the line continues. "The line is not altogether satisfactory."

There is indeed a strange whistling and squeaking, and you can hardly hear her.

"Sushi! Fresh sushi! As quick as you can." The voice is imperious.

Then silence. Whether she has put down the phone, or whether it has simply stopped functioning you cannot tell. But this much you know:
you need to find some sushi.
human
You read the notice
gpt
A handwritten notice "Out of Order. Engineer called." A fixture: it
has been here, on and off, a long as you have, and you confidently expect it to outlast you.

Rodent eyes seem to watch opportunistically from a crevice beside the service elevator.
human
You open the fridge
gpt
You open the refrigerator, revealing a piece of cheese.
human
You close the fridge
gpt
You close the refrigerator.
human
You get the cheese
gpt
You take the piece of cheese.

Rodent eyes seem to watch opportunistically from a crevice beside the service elevator.
human
You look at your surroundings
gpt
Everything has its less dignified parts. There are toilets to be scrubbed, linens to be laundered -- and down in the basement pantry, there is room-service to be prepared and delivered.

Here, all is "functional" (i.e., ugly): tiled walls and floor, a desk, a telephone, a broken refrigerator. The service elevator (which is broken) is south. The guest elevator (which you are going to have to use instead) is north. The kitchen is northeast.
human
You go northeast
gpt
Not quite your standard kitchen. No cabinet. No sink. No stove, or oven, or drawer. Instead you see an empty room, in the centre of which is a gleaming machine, supposedly capable of producing any food that the guests desire. Could it be more simple? All you need do is ask for some sushi.

The hotel's chef, Monsieur Micronde, stands proudly by the machine.

As soon as he sees you, he bustles over. "No! No! No! What are you doing in here without a hairnet? Have you no consideration for the hygiene?" He hands you a hairnet, which you dutifully wear.
human
You examine the machine
gpt
A stainless steel cube, standing taller than a man. Every surface is covered with dials, lights, screens, knobs, levers, handles, buttons, keypads and valves. A vast glass tank filled with greenish material sits on top of it. The side is blazoned "Gastroreactor: Reversing the Natural Order".
human
You ask the machine for the sushi
gpt
That can only be done to something animate.
human
You ask monsieur for the sushi
gpt
"Oh, but of course, that will be not at all a problem. She is
Japanese, the machine. She will produce the most exquisite sushi."

The machine pops and produces copious quantities of grey smoke. As the smoke clears, you see that it has produced a hamburger.

Monsieur Micronde stares at it. "The machine," he says, "she has her little moments, her little tempests and tantrums. All will correct itself." He fiddles with the buttons.
human
You take the hamburger
gpt
You take the burger.
human
You ask monsieur for the hamburger
gpt
A smile spreads over the Chef's face. "This," he says, "she will most assuredly produce with ease."

The chef twiddles with the dials, pulls a lever, and stands back while the machine grinds and whirrs and finally, with a belch of pale green vapour, produces ... a burger.

"Eh, voila!" says Monsieur Micronde. "She has performed, exactly as commanded."
human
You tell monsieur about the mouse
gpt
Monsieur Micronde shugs, gallically.
human
You examine the burger
gpt
(the burger)
Not exactly mouthwatering. The beige bun barely conceals a leathery puck, wilting lettuce and watery tomato.
human
You ask monsieur for the mousetrap
gpt
The chef looks troubled. "I'm not sure about that," he says, "but let us essay what she can accomplish, the machine."

The machine pops and produces a puff of brownish smoke. As the smoke clears, you see that it has produced another hamburger.

Monsieur Micronde stares at it. "The machine," he says, "she has her little moments, her little tempests and tantrums. All will correct itself." He fiddles with the buttons.
human
Inventory
gpt
You are carrying:
a burger
your pass key
a piece of cheese

You are wearing:
a hairnet
human
Look around
gpt
Not quite your standard kitchen. No cabinet. No sink. No stove, or oven, or drawer. Instead you see an empty room, in the centre of which is a gleaming but largely useless machine.

The hotel's chef, Monsieur Micronde, stands unhappily by the malfunctioning machine.

You can also see two burgers here.
human
You get the burgers
gpt
burger: Taken.
burger: Taken.
human
You examine the machine
gpt
A stainless steel cube, standing taller than a man. Every surface is covered with dials, lights, screens, knobs, levers, handles, buttons, keypads and valves. A vast glass tank filled with greenish material sits on top of it. The side is blazoned "Gastroreactor: Reversing the Natural Order".
human
You look at the tank
gpt
The tank is full of a semi-liquid, greenish brown matter.

"Remarkable, is it not," says Micronde. "Totally natural! Totally local! Absolutely vegetarian! All delivered from a local farm."

"Is it ..." you ask.

He beams. "But of course, my friend. Merde. Crap. Manure. All turned
by the miracles of genetic engineering and nuclear physics into wholesome, delicious food."
human
You show the cheese to Micronde
gpt
The Monsieur Micronde is unimpressed.
human
You eat the cheese
gpt
You eat the piece of cheese. Not good.
human
You examine the net
gpt
The acme of good hygiene.
human
You remove the net
gpt
You take off the hairnet.

"Please, I beg you!" says Monsieur Micronde. "I beg you! She is most delicate, the machine. She cannot abide dirt."

The tank tells a different story, but you put the hairnet on, nonetheless.
human
You ask the chef for the human flesh
gpt
"Hmm," says the chef. "Let us see."

The machine whirrs and produces copious quantities of grey smoke. As the smoke clears, you see that it has produced another hamburger.

Monsieur Micronde stares at it. "It is insupportable!" he exclaims. "I am unable to comprehend why this has happened."
human
You examine the dials
gpt
The machine is infernally complicated.
human
You turn the dials
gpt
"Non, non, non, non, non!" Monsieur Micronde becomes animated. "You
are not trained to operate her. Whatever you need, you have only to
ask for it."
human
You put burgers in the tank
gpt
burger: The tank can't contain things.
burger: The tank can't contain things.
burger: The tank can't contain things.
human
You describe your surroundings
gpt
Not quite your standard kitchen. No cabinet. No sink. No stove, or oven, or drawer. Instead you see an empty room, in the centre of which is a gleaming but largely useless machine.

The hotel's chef, Monsieur Micronde, stands unhappily by the malfunctioning machine.

You can also see a burger here.
human
You get burger
gpt
(the burger)
You take the burger.
human
You go to the west
gpt
The only way out is southwest.
human
You go to the southwest
gpt
Everything has its less dignified parts. There are toilets to be scrubbed, linens to be laundered -- and down in the basement pantry, there is room-service to be prepared and delivered.

Here, all is "functional" (i.e., ugly): tiled walls and floor, a desk, a telephone, a broken refrigerator. The service elevator (which is broken) is south. The guest elevator (which you are going to have to use instead) is north. The kitchen is northeast.
human
Go north
gpt
The floor is not perfectly clean, and the brass fixtures not perfectly polished, but at least it works. An advertisement for the hotel's spa is fixed to the wall, in an attempt to attract custom.

The control panel is beside the door. Above it, an illuminated sign tells you that the elevator is currently on the basement floor.
human
You examine the panel
gpt
There is an array of buttons, marked B (for the basement), L (for the lobby), 2 to 56 for the hotel's various floors, and P for the penthouse. Beside the button for floor 2, an engraved sign reminds patrons that the hotel's famous ballroom is on that floor. No floor
has been selected.
human
You read ad
gpt
(in the yourself)
You discover nothing of interest in yourself.
human
You read the advertisement
gpt
An athletic couple lie with their eyes closed and their faces covered in mud. Seraphic smiles spread across their features. "Feeling past your best?" the advertisement asks. "Freshen up fast at our spa on five!"
human
Press 2
gpt
You push the button marked "2" and it lights up.

The elevator doors slide closed.
human
You wait a while
gpt
Time passes.

The elevator rises, slows, and the doors open at floor 2.
human
You go to the south
gpt
The ballroom is evidently being prepared for some sort of function.
The grand chandelier (the largest in Torquay!) illuminates the sprung parquet floor. Dead centre in the middle of the dancefloor is a vast fishtank.

Someone has dropped a piece of paper on the floor.
human
You examine paper
gpt
In preparation for the New Year Speed IF convention, various equipment is to be installed in the Ballroom. It consists of a fishtank, fish, and associated apparatus.

Please ensure that it is properly installed and that no harm comes to the fish. I will bring the remainder of the work to which it relates
as soon as I have finished it. Any problems, my room number is 4302.
human
Examine tank
gpt
Someone has installed a large aquarium in the middle of the ballroom. It must be 10 feet square, and almost as tall as you are. You half expect to see a kraken, or at least a small shark, gliding with quiet menace. Instead a tiny goldfish is making slow circles round the tank.
human
You give burger to the fish
gpt
That seems to be part of the fishtank.
human
You ask the goldfish about the sushi
gpt
Are you mad? It's a fish, not a conversation partner.
human
You get the paper
gpt
You take the memo.
human
You take the fish with the net
gpt
You dip the hairnet quickly into the water, and briefly drag it like a trawler. Success rewards your efforts: the fish flaps in your hand, then expires.
human
You feed fish
gpt
(to the yourself)
(taking the goldfish)
You try to grab the fish, but it slips through your fingers.

"Nice try!" you imagine the fish saying. "But you can't have thought that was going to do the trick!"
human
You get the paper
gpt
You already have the memo.
human
You look around
gpt
The ballroom is evidently being prepared for some sort of function.
The grand chandelier (the largest in Torquay!) illuminates the sprung parquet floor. Dead centre in the middle of the dancefloor is a vast fishtank.
human
You look at the chandelier
gpt
Its twinkles lustrously over the fishtank.
human
You go to the north
gpt
The floor is not perfectly clean, and the brass fixtures not perfectly polished, but at least it works. An advertisement for the hotel's spa is fixed to the wall, in an attempt to attract custom.

The control panel is beside the door. Above it, an illuminated sign tells you that the elevator is currently on floor 2.
human
Press 4
gpt
You push the button marked "4" and it lights up.

The elevator doors slide closed.
human
You wait
gpt
Time passes.

The elevator rises, slows, and the doors open at floor 4.
human
You go to the north
gpt
The floor is not perfectly clean, and the brass fixtures not perfectly polished, but at least it works. An advertisement for the hotel's spa is fixed to the wall, in an attempt to attract custom.

The control panel is beside the door. Above it, an illuminated sign tells you that the elevator is currently on floor 4.
human
Wait
gpt
Time passes.

The elevator rises rapidly.
human
You wait for a while
gpt
Time passes.

The elevator rises, slows, and the doors open at floor 43.
human
You go to the west
gpt
A perfectly ordinary hotel bedroom, like thousands of others here.
This one almost appears unlived in: none of the usual clothes, luggage and muddle.Whoever is staying here seems to be working.

A laptop computer is open on the bed.

The bathroom door is shut, and it sounds like someone is in there.
human
You examine computer
gpt
The laptop is switched on, and from the look of the screen someone seems to have been doing some sort of programming.
human
Cast soyfac
gpt
A dish of soy sauce magically appears in your hand.
human
You look around
gpt
A perfectly ordinary hotel bedroom, like thousands of others here.
This one almost appears unlived in: none of the usual clothes, luggage and muddle.

A laptop computer is open on the bed.
human
You examine the soy
gpt
A small porcelain dish of dark soy sauce.
human
You go to the north
gpt
You have other things to do than spend your time rooting around other people's bathrooms.
human
You go west
gpt
You can't go that way. The door to the elevator is east.

You hear flushing from the bathroom. Then the sound or the shower
being turned on.
human
You leave
gpt
You can't go that way. The door to the elevator is east.
You can't go that way. The door to the elevator is east.
human
Go north
gpt
The floor is not perfectly clean, and the brass fixtures not perfectly polished, but at least it works. An advertisement for the hotel's spa is fixed to the wall, in an attempt to attract custom.

The control panel is beside the door. Above it, an illuminated sign tells you that the elevator is currently on floor 43.
human
You examine the panel
gpt
There is an array of buttons, marked B (for the basement), L (for the lobby), 2 to 56 for the hotel's various floors, and P for the penthouse. Beside the button for floor 2, an engraved sign reminds patrons that the hotel's famous ballroom is on that floor. No floor
has been selected.
human
You read the advertisement
gpt
An athletic couple lie with their eyes closed and their faces covered in mud. Seraphic smiles spread across their features. "Feeling past your best?" the advertisement asks. "Freshen up fast at our spa on five!"
human
You press five
gpt
You push the button marked "5" and it lights up.

The elevator doors slide closed.
human
Wait
gpt
Time passes.

The elevator descends rapidly.
human
You wait
gpt
Time passes.

The elevator descends, slows, and the doors open at floor 5.
human
Go outside
gpt
The hotel's spa and aromatherapy suite. Soft light diffuses from
hidden sources around the cornice, and gently pours over the pale grey walls and cream carpet. At a glass desk in the centre of the room, a severe looking young woman sits wearing a white coat: Dr Mell.

Dr Mell sniffs; and you have no doubt that it is you she is sniffing. "Not terrible," she says, "but we can do better. We can always do better." From the many drawers of the desk she produces a number of tiny glass bottles, and sprays them toward you. A fresh smell of scrubbed skin and clean linen descends upon you.
human
You ask Mell about the seaweed
gpt
She seems to have nothing to say.

"Perhaps," says Dr Mell, "you would prefer something a little more exotic." Once again, her hands play over the drawers, producing a fistful of glass bottles which she sprays delicately about her. The
air fills with the aromas of the souk: spices, coffee, sweet tobacco and hashish.
human
You ask Mell about the rice
gpt
She seems to have nothing to say.

"Arabia tells a thousand stories," Dr Mell mutters enigmatically. "But there are those who prefer the more bracing scents of the north." The bottles are duly produced and wielded, and you are transported to a northern forest in winter: resinous pine, pure air and woodsmoke.
human
You wait
gpt
Time passes.

"Let us return to normality," Dr Mell says. The bottles are duly wielded and sprayed, and you smell ... nothing unexpected. "Believe me," says Dr Mell, "reproducing precisely the scent of a mediocre
hotel in twenty-first century Britain is at least as challenging as
any of my other achievements."
human
You examine Mell
gpt
Dr Mell is an aristocrat among the hotel's staff. She wears a white coat, surgical scrubs and severe black glasses, which are perched on her highly-trained nose. She peers owlishly through their thick
lenses.
human
You ask Mell about the japan
gpt
She seems to have nothing to say.

Dr Mell sits, waiting to assist you.
human
You go north
gpt
The floor is not perfectly clean, and the brass fixtures not perfectly polished, but at least it works. An advertisement for the hotel's spa is fixed to the wall, in an attempt to attract custom.

The control panel is beside the door. Above it, an illuminated sign tells you that the elevator is currently on floor 5.
human
Press l.
gpt
You push the button marked "L" and it lights up.

The elevator doors slide closed.
human
You wait awhile
gpt
Time passes.

The elevator descends, slows, and the doors open at the lobby floor.
human
You go south
gpt
With black granite twinkling beneath your feet like a starry sky, the lobby makes a thoroughly ill-intentioned promise of grand luxury and impeccable service. The deserted reception desk tells a truer story.
To the south, a chill drizzle plays on the plate glass doors. The elevator is north. A distinct odour reminds you that the sushi bar is west.

In the middle of the lobby, the hotel's christmas tree stands disconsolately, weeping tinsel.
human
You examine the tree
gpt
Every great city has establishments justly famous for their Christmas decorations: Macy's, Fortnum's, the Galeries Lafayette. This is not
one of them. The lopsided old fir is partially disguised with oddments of tinsel, baubles, and some lights which, predictably, seem not to be working -- a circumstance explained, perhaps, by the tangle of cables taped up at the base of the tree.
human
You examine the cables
gpt
Cables are absurdly intertwined like some crazy bird's nest, stuffed
at the base of the tree. Yellow and black tape has been wrapped around it, marked "High Voltage, Do Not Touch." The fraying ends of the cable disappear into a junction box, which is turned off.
human
You turn on the box
gpt
It looks rather dangerous -- something to be attempted only as a last resort.
human
You go to the west
gpt
Lobby (by the sushi bar)
Tucked into the corner of the lobby is the "Kamikaze Sushi Bar". It's not really a bar at all: just a counter with some stools at which guests can sit to eat sushi, brought to them from some hidden recess
by the Bar's dedicated waiter.

The General Manager is perched on a stool at the bar, picking at a plate of sushi.
human
You ask the waiter for the suhsi
gpt
That can only be done to something animate.
human
You examine Manager
gpt
Mr O'Malley is harassed, choleric, overweight, puffy-faced, bug-eyed, incompetent, greedy, venal, lazy; short of stature and temper -- and currently stuffing his face with sushi.

Across the far side of the lobby a woman with an eye-catching blue rinse struggles through the doors.
human
You look at the plate
gpt
(the plate of sushi)
You had him down as a meat-and-potatoes man, but perhaps Mr O'Malley wants to lose some weight. It certainly looks like this sushi could have all manner of slimming effects.
human
You get the plate
gpt
(the plate of sushi)
"Hey! Beat it!" says Mr O'Malley graciously (as ever). "That's mine."

You recognise the woman, of course. Mrs Slocombe: one of the hotel's most regular and affluent guests. Her beloved puss, as usual, surveys the scene from the top of a capacious handbag.
human
You look around
gpt
Lobby (by the sushi bar)
Tucked into the corner of the lobby is the "Kamikaze Sushi Bar". It's not really a bar at all: just a counter with some stools at which guests can sit to eat sushi, brought to them from some hidden recess
by the Bar's dedicated waiter.

The General Manager is perched on a stool at the bar, picking at a plate of sushi.

Across the lobby, Mrs Slocombe contemplates the empty reception desk with some annoyance.
human
You examine the desk
gpt
any well managed establishment. So it is not surprising that this one isn't. Beside the desk, a brass-framed sign tells you what is
happening in the hotel today.

A coloured brochure lies on the desk.

Across the lobby, the cat casts envious glances towards the sushi bar.
human
You read the sign
gpt
"The Burj Al-Fawalti Welcomes," it reads, and then a list of events today. Nothing much seems to be happening. Some group called the "Ultimate NY Speedifers" (a Manhattan-based motorcycle troupe?) are welcomed to the ballroom on floor 2. Otherwise, a blank.

Across the lobby, Mrs Slocombe looks over to the sushi bar, glaring at Mr O'Malley.
human
You go to the west
gpt
You can't go that way. You can go east to the rest of the lobby, or northeast to the elevator.

Across the lobby, Mrs Slocombe's pussy looks at the Christmas tree, with a malevolent gleam in its eye.
human
You tell O'malley about Slocombe
gpt
"Bog off!" says the General Manager, "I'm having lunch."

Across the lobby, Mrs Slocombe taps her foot in a frustrated manner.
human
You tell O'malley about the pussy
gpt
"Don't you speak English? Leave me in peace to eat."

Across the lobby, the cat casts envious glances towards the sushi bar.
human
Er cat
gpt
Mrs Slocombe is genuinely rather deaf, and selectively deafer still. She doesn't hear you (or pretends not to).

Across the lobby, Mrs Slocombe taps her foot in a frustrated manner.
human
You look at Slocombe
gpt
Mrs Slocombe is a familiar face around here. A lady of a certain age, she has lived in a suite for as long as anyone can remember. Her white face, streaked with two stripes of rouge like warpaint, emerges from
an eccentric collection of fur and jewels. Her cat, Pussykins, is, as usual, in attendance, glaring with feline malice from the top of her open handbag.

Across the lobby, Mrs Slocombe carefully folds and unfolds her umbrella.
human
Inventory
gpt
You are carrying:
four burgers
a dish of soy sauce
a memo
your pass key
a piece of cheese

You are wearing:
a hairnet

Across the lobby, Mrs Slocombe stands by the reception desk.
human
You give burger to the cat
gpt
The cat could not look more bored by the burger.

Across the lobby, the cat peers from the top of Mrs Slocombe's
handbag.