system
You are the dungeon master of a text adventure game. The game should involve the following genres and tags:
Humor,Wordplay, built-in hints,cover art,IF Competition 2000,IFComp Game,intelligent pig,Miss Congeniality Winner,parser,profanity,riddle,silly,wordplay,Xyzzy Awards 2000,XYZZY Best Puzzles
gpt
Which do you mean, the difficult difficult difficult door or the southern door?
human
You look at the dumpster
gpt
It's made of steel, and almost entirely open on one end for easy deposition of debris. Scrawled across it is the phrase "ATROPHY CASE." Perhaps the contractor left out a space when labelling it.
human
About yourself
gpt
You're the adventurer, in this scenario.
human
You go south
gpt
The southern door leads out of the house. It is immediately recognizable as one of those doors through which one can pass only upon completing the game.
human
You open the south door
gpt
I only caught that first part. Try truncating that command or using a different object.
human
Difficult difficult difficult
gpt
Your difficult labor pays off. You open the difficult difficult difficult door.

[+2.]
human
You examine the difficult difficult difficult door
gpt
This difficult difficult difficult door looks like the kind that is always getting stuck stuck stuck. It now stands open.
human
Go north
gpt
Here's a sort of small, enclosed backyard, closed in with a high wooden fence and completely covered with asphalt.

A door to the s, leading inside, is open.

A little boy stands here smugly. 'Georgie' is embroidered on his knit shirt.

There's one of those robotic puppies - the latest fad - here.

Your object-sensitive eyes also notice: ... toy dinosaur.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
human
You take the dinosaur
gpt
[ ... ]
human
You look at the dinosaur
gpt
The toy dinosaur looks like a triceratops. It is made of injection-molded plastic, and colored the same pale, milky green all over.

The puppy quips: "Your momma was playing Zork on my computer, and she's so ugly, she broke the Mirror Room!"
human
Jump shark
gpt
I only caught that first part. Try truncating that command or using a different object.
human
You examine boy
gpt
The boy looks about the size for second grade, but his serious, bespectacled gaze suggests that he may be slightly older.

The puppy quips: "Your momma's face looks like an 'at' sign."
human
Hello
gpt
Georgie waves at you tentatively.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
human
You take the boy
gpt
You move in to hoist Georgie away from the prize, but he eludes your grasp. He manages to stay near the toy dinosaur, too.

The puppy quips: "You got an elvish momma of great antiquity."
human
You take the puppy
gpt
The robotic puppy is endowed with locomotive abilities that are as quick and random as its prepackaged wit. It scuttles away from you quickly.

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so stupid, she tried to give hypertext Ritalin."
human
You ask Georgie about dinosaur
gpt
"Miiiiiiiiine!" Georgie screeches, whisking the toy dinosaur away and setting it down elsewhere on the asphalt. "You can't have that. Not unless you know more dinosaur names than me, and nobody knows more dinosaur names than me. So there!"

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so stupid, when you were born she thought the umbilical cord meant that you were a peripheral."
human
You say the triceratops
gpt
Whom do you want to say that to?
human
You say the triceratops to Georgie
gpt
Georgie reddens. He clenches his fists, twists back and forth while straining forward on his toes, and emits a trumpeting whine. "I was gonna say that one next!" he says. His concentration seems unbroken, despite this outburst.

"Oh yeah? Tyrannosaurus!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so ugly, the computer took one look at her and said 'Illegal operation.'"
human
You say the stegasaurus to Georgie
gpt
Georgie looks puzzled, as if he hasn't heard that dinosaur name before. He sputters for a moment, perhaps confused by the novel name, apparently finding it difficult to think.

"Oh yeah? Psittacosaurus!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
human
You say the raptor to Georgie
gpt
Georgie reddens. He clenches his fists, twists back and forth while straining forward on his toes, and emits a trumpeting whine. "I was gonna say that one next!" he says. His concentration seems unbroken, despite this outburst.

"Oh yeah? Stegosaurus!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
human
You say the onatops to Georgie
gpt
"Is that supposed to be a dinosaur name?" Georgie says. "Nuh-uh!"

The puppy quips: "Your momma's extra-wide, and SCSI."
human
You say the pteradon to Georgie
gpt
"Is that supposed to be a dinosaur name?" Georgie says. "Nuh-uh!"

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so stupid, she thinks she can make a floppy disk into a hard disk by pulling on it."
human
You say the brontosaurus to Georgie
gpt
Georgie reddens. He clenches his fists, twists back and forth while straining forward on his toes, and emits a trumpeting whine. "I was gonna say that one next!" he says. His concentration seems unbroken, despite this outburst.

"Oh yeah? Theropod!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
human
You say the apatasaurus to Georgie
gpt
Georgie looks puzzled, as if he hasn't heard that dinosaur name before. He sputters for a moment, perhaps confused by the novel name, apparently finding it difficult to think.

"Oh yeah? Hadrosaur!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
human
You say the hydropsaur to Georgie
gpt
Georgie looks puzzled, as if he hasn't heard that dinosaur name before. He sputters for a moment, perhaps confused by the novel name, apparently finding it difficult to think.

"Oh yeah? Supersaurus!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so fat she'd barely fit on five CD-ROMs."
human
You say the godzilla to Georgie
gpt
"Is that supposed to be a dinosaur name?" Georgie says. "Nuh-uh!"

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so poor, she's got a C-64."
human
You say the azerty to Georgie
gpt
"Is that supposed to be a dinosaur name?" Georgie says. "Nuh-uh!"

The puppy quips: "Your momma goes down more often than Windows 98."
human
You say the puppy to Georgie
gpt
"Is that supposed to be a dinosaur name?" Georgie says. "Nuh-uh!"

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so stupid, when she got hungry she asked people to forward spam to her."
human
You kick Georgie
gpt
Georgie is deft at eluding playground bullies, and dodges your attack. "You don't know-ow dinosaur names," Georgie sings. "You're just a stupid me-e-nie!" He manages to remain quite near the toy dinosaur, though.
human
You say dino to Georgie
gpt
The puppy quips: "Your momma's so stupid, she thought USENET was previously owned."

"Miiiiiiiiine!" Georgie screeches, whisking the toy dinosaur away and setting it down elsewhere on the asphalt. "You can't have that. Not unless you know more dinosaur names than me, and nobody knows more dinosaur names than me. So there!"

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
human
You say the abcsaur to Georgie
gpt
"Is that supposed to be a dinosaur name?" Georgie says. "Nuh-uh!"

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so stupid, when tech support told her to reboot she started putting her shoes back on."
human
You say the abcsaurus to Georgie
gpt
Georgie looks puzzled, as if he hasn't heard that dinosaur name before. He sputters for a moment, perhaps confused by the novel name, apparently finding it difficult to think.

"Oh yeah? Prosauropod!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so fat, they're trying to break her up like Microsoft."
human
You say the xyzsaurus to Georgie
gpt
Georgie looks puzzled, as if he hasn't heard that dinosaur name before. He sputters for a moment, perhaps confused by the novel name, apparently finding it difficult to think.

"Oh yeah? Apatoosaur!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
human
You say the yomommasaurus to Georgie
gpt
Georgie looks puzzled, as if he hasn't heard that dinosaur name before. He sputters for a moment, perhaps confused by the novel name, apparently finding it difficult to think.
human
You say stegosaurus to Georgie
gpt
"Oh yeah? Pterosaurus!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
human
Xyzzy
gpt
Georgie lets out a high-pitched laugh. "That one's already been sa-aid!" he sings, taunting you. "You don't know any mo-ore dinosaur names!"

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so butch, she shops at Amazon."

A distracted figure with a huge bushy beard blunders in just as you speak the word of ancient magic. The man wears loose clothing, and an expression of intense concentration. He is clutching his frizzy hair with one hand; his other hand grips an intricate grid - the object of his attention.

His eyes brighten as the word you've spoken reaches his ears. "Yes! Yes! That's it!" he exclaims as he draws out a pen and fills in a row of squares. "Now my hyperconstrained, double-acrostic, cryptic crossword is complete, and ready to puzzle others. That was all I needed - just a simple five-letter word, composed only of the letters 'X' 'Y' and 'Z,' that would fit here!"

He grips your hand and shakes it fervently. "Thank you! Now that I've finished with that, I can get on to those other things I've been meaning to do, such as monkey-wrenching the demolition and saving recreational linguistics for future generations." He turns away and mutters, just before he departs, "I hope none of that will involve lying in front of a bulldozer..."

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.

[+1.]
human
You say the thing1saurus to Georgie
gpt
Georgie looks puzzled, as if he hasn't heard that dinosaur name before. He sputters for a moment, perhaps confused by the novel name, apparently finding it difficult to think.

"Oh yeah? Mosasaurus!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy quips: "Your momma's faster than 1GHz."
human
You say the thing2saurus to Georgie
gpt
Georgie looks puzzled - for a moment. "Hey, you just said something like that," he says. "That doesn't count."

The puppy quips: "I checked out www.uglydog.com the other day - and guess who I saw?"
human
You say applesaurus to Georgie
gpt
Georgie looks puzzled, as if he hasn't heard that dinosaur name before. He sputters for a moment, perhaps confused by the novel name, apparently finding it difficult to think.

Georgie sniffs. His eyes become large, resembling the eyes of an affrighted waif-child in a Margaret Keene painting. A big shiny tear gleams beneath his glasses, dripping from his right eye. Then the boy's face reddens as a bead of snot begins to droop from his left nostril. "That's ... I don't ... that's all the dinosaur names I know. Uh, well ... Waaaaaaaaah!"

He gives the toy dinosaur a little kick, tipping it over. "Well, it's just a stupid toy. You can have it, anyway. So what!" Georgie runs through the difficult difficult difficult door, then runs across the foyer and out the front door of the house, disappearing.

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so ugly, she broke the QuickCam."
human
You take the dinosaur
gpt
Taken.

The puppy quips: "I saw your momma selling herself on eBay yesterday."

[+10.]
human
You kick the puppy
gpt
The robotic puppy is endowed with locomotive abilities that are as quick and random as its prepackaged wit. It scuttles away from you quickly.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
human
You take the puppy
gpt
The robotic puppy is endowed with locomotive abilities that are as quick and random as its prepackaged wit. It scuttles away from you quickly.

The puppy quips: "Your momma provides service on every port."
human
You say your momma to the puppy
gpt
The puppy doesn't seem to notice you speaking to it. Perhaps this cut-rate model doesn't accept voice commands or queries.

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so ugly I need a screen saver to look at her."
human
You throw the dinosaur at puppy
gpt
You lack the nerve when it comes to the crucial moment.

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so stupid, when I told her I was backing up my computer she said I should eat more fiber."
human
You look at what you're carrying with you
gpt
You are carrying:
... toy dinosaur

The puppy quips: "Your momma's plug-and-play."
human
You turn the puppy off
gpt
That's not something you can switch.

The puppy quips: "The Wizard of Frobozz took one look at your momma and said, 'Fugly!'"
human
You cry
gpt
Waaaah!

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
human
Look around
gpt
Here's a sort of small, enclosed backyard, closed in with a high wooden fence and completely covered with asphalt.

A door to the s, leading inside, is open.

There's one of those robotic puppies - the latest fad - here.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
human
You look around
gpt
Here's a sort of small, enclosed backyard, closed in with a high wooden fence and completely covered with asphalt.

A door to the s, leading inside, is open.

There's one of those robotic puppies - the latest fad - here.

The puppy quips: "I hear everybody's got random access to your momma."
human
Go south
gpt
This is the mansion's spacious ground-floor antechamber. The wallpaper is peeling and bits of plaster have fallen from the ceiling here and there. There is a stairway, stable enough to ascend. The big area to the w must have once been a separate room, but the demolition crew seems to have already taken out a wall. A living room is e. On the s side is the front door. A Dumpster has been dumped here.

A door to the n, leading out back, is open.
human
You look at Dumpster
gpt
It's made of steel, and almost entirely open on one end for easy deposition of debris. Scrawled across it is the phrase "ATROPHY CASE." Perhaps the contractor left out a space when labelling it.
human
You search Dumpster
gpt
The Dumpster is empty.
human
Go west
gpt
That area used to a be a separate room, but it's all part of the foyer now. There's no part of the house further to the west.
human
You get it
gpt
Taken.
human
You look
gpt
This huge, bare living room occupies about half the mansion's ground floor.
human
Go north
gpt
You can't go that way.

A bearded figure wanders in, oblivious to you and, it seems, somewhat uncertain of where he is going. His loose clothing billows as he steps about.

"Walk east..." he mutters. He stops short after a few steps. "Walk not east!" he exclaims, and starts going in the opposite direction. He stops again, wanders around a bit, and finally leaves. By the time you've recovered from the shock, you realize that he has completely disappeared.
human
Go west
gpt
This is the mansion's spacious ground-floor antechamber. The wallpaper is peeling and bits of plaster have fallen from the ceiling here and there. There is a stairway, stable enough to ascend. The big area to the w must have once been a separate room, but the demolition crew seems to have already taken out a wall. A living room is e. On the s side is the front door. A Dumpster has been dumped here.

A door to the n, leading out back, is open.
human
You go south
gpt
The southern door leads out of the house. It is immediately recognizable as one of those doors through which one can pass only upon completing the game.
human
Up
gpt
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the north, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs down to the foyer turns and continues up, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the north, east, west, and south look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'NEWS.'
human
You drop the verbosifier
gpt
Dropped.
human
Go north
gpt
A pillow-like force keeps you from moving that way. A sonorous voice booms out, in attempted hollowness, "You may be very, very frustrated if you walk in there without reading the WARNING. Sure, maybe you read the WARNING three years ago in some other game session and you remember it perfectly, but how do I know that? I'm not supposed to let you in unless I know you've read it. It's like airline flight attendants have to keep showing you how to use the seatbelt even if you've been on a plane for a third of your life."

There is a hollow sigh.

"So just go on and read the WARNING, by typing WARNING. And then I'll let you in."
human
Go north
gpt
"LISTEN WELL!" a sonorous voice booms out, in attempted hollowness. "Know ye that passage back through here is difficult for some, impossible for others! Should you wish to transport yourself - without your cherished possessions - out of these constrained confines, have your controlling consciouness type the magic command: NEW!"

Nice, nondescript nursery, noticeably neat. Normally, nurslings nestle noisily. Now, none. No needful, naive newborns.

Nearby: ... nifty nappy.
human
Nap
gpt
[ ... ]
human
Nick nappy
gpt
Nabbed.

[+3.]
human
You notice the nappy
gpt
Nifty, new, niveous nappy. Notably, nylon.
human
Go north
gpt
Northward? No, necessarily not. Not north. No noticeable notch, no navigable nook.
human
You go east
gpt
You'll never get through that constrained passage carrying that nifty nappy.
human
Go downward
gpt
This is the mansion's spacious ground-floor antechamber. The wallpaper is peeling and bits of plaster have fallen from the ceiling here and there. There is a stairway, stable enough to ascend. The big area to the w must have once been a separate room, but the demolition crew seems to have already taken out a wall. A living room is e. On the s side is the front door. A Dumpster has been dumped here.

A door to the n, leading out back, is open.
human
You put the nappy in Dumpster
gpt
You put the nifty nappy into the Dumpster.
human
Go east
gpt
"LISTEN WELL!" a sonorous voice booms out, in attempted hollowness. "Know ye that passage back through here is difficult for some, impossible for others! Should you wish to transport yourself - without your cherished possessions - out of these constrained confines, have your controlling consciouness type the magic command: EMBARK!"

Eating enclave. Entire environment ebon. Each edge embossed elegantly, every entity essentially effaced. Effect: eerie.

Empty, except: ... evil effigy... earthen ewer.
human
You examine the effigy
gpt
Enemy effigy. Extreme enormity evident. Execrable evildoer!
human
Excise effigy
gpt
Eh? Edict enciphered, evidently ...
human
You extract the effigy
gpt
Expropriated.
human
Extract ewer
gpt
Expropriated.

[+4.]
human
You examine the Ewer
gpt
Estimable ewer, even, edgeless. Ewer's empty.
human
You put everything in Dumpster
gpt
earthen ewer: Done.
evil effigy: Done.
human
You go to the west
gpt
"LISTEN WELL!" a sonorous voice booms out, in attempted hollowness. "Know ye that passage back through here is difficult for some, impossible for others! Should you wish to transport yourself - without your cherished possessions - out of these constrained confines, have your controlling consciouness type the magic command: WIND!"

Wee warehouse warily warded wearable wares - when wares were within. Wan, whitewashed walls wait without woolens. Wooden, weathered wainscoting wobbles weakly.

Within: ... wooden weapon.
human
You whisk weapon
gpt
What? Wild, whirling words ...
human
Wield weapon
gpt
Won.

[+5.]
human
Walk
gpt
Which way?
human
You put the weapon in Dumpster
gpt
You put the wooden weapon into the Dumpster.
human
Go west
gpt
Wee warehouse warily warded wearable wares - when wares were within. Wan, whitewashed walls wait without woolens. Wooden, weathered wainscoting wobbles weakly.
human
You watch the wainscoting
gpt
Wobbly wooden wainscoting, weathered with weary weeks.
human
Wallop wainscotting
gpt
Whack! Wall wiggles.
human
You win wainscoting
gpt
While wobbly, wainscot's wed with wall.
human
Wall wainscoting
gpt
What? Wanton words were worked with welcome words.
human
Wham wall
gpt
(wainscot)
Whack! Wall wiggles.
human
Walk
gpt
Which way?
human
Wallop wainscotting with weapon
gpt
Whack! Wall wavers. Wall wobbles wildly. Wall warps. Wall was withholding ... weird widget!
human
Wield widget
gpt
Won.

[+9.]
human
You look in Dumpster
gpt
In the Dumpster are ... evil effigy, ... earthen ewer, ... nifty nappy and ... toy dinosaur.
human
You put all in Dumpster
gpt
weird widget: Done.
wooden weapon: Done.
human
Steal stapler
gpt
Seized.

[+2.]
human
You snatch the stapler
gpt
Seizing superfluous.
human
You seize the sofa
gpt
Sorry? Semantics shrouded ...

Sizable sofa sits solidly, stubborn.
human
You search the sofa
gpt
Searching sofa seams ... some sou stuck? Sadly, sofa surface's slick.
human
Spy sou
gpt
Sorry? Semantics shrouded ...
human
Staple sofa
gpt
Stapler's sans staples. Stapling's senseless.
human
You see the sofa
gpt
Sizable sofa's stuffed - softly satiated.
human
You see sou
gpt
Some sight seems suppressed.
human
Slice sofa
gpt
Snicker-snack! Slicing, slashing ... something sharp should serve superiorly.
human
You sit sofa
gpt
Sorry? Some superfluous sayings succeeded solid start.
human
You see the Stapler
gpt
Strong stainless steel surface seems smoothly solid. "Swingline," stapler says. Serviceable, slick, sure. Sadly, stapler seems sans staples.
human
You sit
gpt
Sit? Sure. Sofa seems suitable. Sitting ... seated.
human
Slide sofa
gpt
Shoving sofa, seated, seems some severe struggle. Shoving stymied.
human
You stand
gpt
... sweet, simple sofa sojourn. So ... standing.
human
Slide sofa
gpt
Shoving ... shoving ... sofa slides ... sofa shifts ... sofa successfully shoved! Salon seems sans sofa.

[+3.]
human
Shove sofa
gpt
Some sight seems suppressed.
human
Sleep
gpt
Sun shines still! Sweet sunlit sphere, sincere situational striving, solemn story session. Shirk sleep! Stir! Straighten salon! Sort seedy structure! Succeed!
human
See
gpt
Simple social space, sadly spoiled. Some skewed situation's sequel, surely. Seemingly, slovenly students sojourned -- scraping, scratching, scuffing surfaces.
human
Sigh
gpt
Sorry? Semantics shrouded ...
human
DDD
gpt
Enter saved game to store: Save seemed successful.
human
Slide
gpt
(subject selection subsumed)
Shifting ... slid. So?
human
Saunter
gpt
Sure. Simply say such, specifically.
human
Saunter south
gpt
Sorry. Structural surroundings stop southern striding.
human
Go southwest
gpt
Southwest, salon's stone shell sits solidly.
human
You put all in Dumpster
gpt
stainless steel stapler: Done.
human
You look at weapon
gpt
Weighty. Whittled walnut. Warrior's worthy weapon.
human
You cut the sofa with the weapon
gpt
I only caught that first part. Try truncating that command or using a different object.
human
Slice sofa
gpt
Cutting that up would achieve little.
human
You look at the sofa
gpt
Sizable sofa's stuffed - softly satiated.
human
You search the sofa
gpt
Searching sofa seams ... some sou stuck? Sadly, sofa surface's slick.
human
You sit
gpt
You sit down on the sofa.
human
You get the verbosifier
gpt
Taken.
human
Up
gpt
You'll have to get off the sizable sofa first.
human
Up
gpt
This lobby, allowing access to the rooms of the next-to-next-to-top floor, is in good shape. It is very similar to the lobby below, although the ceiling may be a bit lower. Here there are only three passages. Two of them (to the north and east) are normal passages, but one, to the south, is oddly constrained. It has an ominous sign above it. The main stairway leads down, while another staircase, straight and narrow, allows passage up to the next floor.
human
You examine the sign
gpt
This ominous sign is tortured into the shape of an 'S.' It further warns: "Abandon all fifth orthographic glyphs, you who walk within!"
human
Go north
gpt
Even the light fixture has been removed from this squarish bedroom, which is in much better repair than most of the rest of the house. It seems to have been freshly painted, in puce. The exit is south.

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.
human
You look at the pig
gpt
The pig seems extremely well-behaved, even a bit stately. He is wearing a distinctive toga.
human
You take the pig
gpt
The pig saunters to the side to avoid your indelicate approach.
human
Drat
gpt
Quite.
human
You ask the pig about the toga
gpt
There is no reply.

A distracted, bearded figure, garbed in loose clothing, blunders in. He is looking at a newspaper article about President Clinton, muttering, "Man of Hope, sole hope of man."

He blunders out, using motions that seem to be exactly the reverse of the ones he made when entering. By the time you've recovered from the shock, you realize that he has completely disappeared.
human
You examine the toga
gpt
Nice toga. At first glance, you might guess the pig was headed to a fraternity party. But this is a senatorial toga, with a purple stripe. Was it Nero or Caligula who appointed a pig to a high Roman office? At any rate, the idea of a pig senator certainly gives a new meaning to the phrase "pork-barreling."
human
You show the weapon to the pig
gpt
The pig is unimpressed.
human
Leave
gpt
This lobby, allowing access to the rooms of the next-to-next-to-top floor, is in good shape. It is very similar to the lobby below, although the ceiling may be a bit lower. Here there are only three passages. Two of them (to the n and e) are normal passages, but one, to the s, is oddly constrained. It has an ominous sign above it. The main stairway leads d, while another staircase, straight and narrow, allows passage u to the next floor.

A distracted figure blunders in, scratching at his huge beard. The man wears loose clothing. He's reading intently from a Jean Genet novel. He mutters, "Punk pretty soon becomes criminal. Jailed, criminal becomes, soon, pretty punk."

He blunders out, using motions that seem to be exactly the reverse of the ones he made when entering. By the time you've recovered from the shock, you realize that he has completely disappeared.
human
You go south
gpt
"LISTEN WELL!" a sonorous voice booms out, in attempted hollowness. "Know ye that passage back through here is difficult for some, impossible for others! Should you wish to transport yourself - without your cherished possessions - out of these constrained confines, have your controlling consciouness type the magic command: START!"

Small, shadowy, stifling study. Softwood slats (stain: sandy) surround.

Stuff: ... stylus.
human
You snatch the stylus
gpt
[ ... ]
human
You snatch the stylus
gpt
Snagging satisfaction!

[+3.]
human
Go north
gpt
Even the light fixture has been removed from this squarish bedroom, which is in much better repair than most of the rest of the house. It seems to have been freshly painted, in puce. The exit is south.

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.
human
You look at the pig
gpt
The pig seems extremely well-behaved, even a bit stately. He is wearing a distinctive toga.
human
Pray
gpt
Nothing practical results from your prayer.
human
Inventory
gpt
You are carrying:
... stylus
human
Outhsay
gpt
The pig looks up at you with a smile, understanding the language you're speaking.

Although the pig lends an ear to you, he doesn't seem able, or inclined, to carry out your request.

[+8.]
human
Ogay outhsay
gpt
The pig looks up at you with a smile, understanding the language you're speaking.

The pig glances in the direction indicated.

The pig proceeds at a moderate gait, moving along as you asked.
human
You ask Pig,  to go downward
gpt
The pig shrugs. Perhaps you need to address him in a language he understands.
human
Go downward
gpt
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the n, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs d to the foyer turns and continues u, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the s, e, w, and n look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'SEWN.'

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.

Your object-sensitive eyes also notice: ... sizable sofa.

A distracted figure with frizzy hair blunders in. The man is clad in loose clothing and peers at a fashion magazine he is holding open before him. On one page are some nicely-dressed women; the facing page has an image of some textile machine. The man mutters, partly to himself and partly as if he were addressing the magazine, "Girls, attractive dresses that loom here this second certainly second this here loom that dresses attractive girls."

He blunders out, using motions that seem to be exactly the reverse of the ones he made when entering. By the time you've recovered from the shock, you realize he has completely disappeared.
human
P.
gpt
What do you want to open?
human
Ntereay umpsterday
gpt
The pig looks up at you with a smile, understanding the language you're speaking.

The pig didn't seem to understand your request, however.
human
Up
gpt
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the north, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs down to the foyer turns and continues up, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the north, east, west, and south look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'NEWS.'

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.

Your object-sensitive eyes also notice: ... sizable sofa.
human
Go downwards
gpt
This is the mansion's spacious ground-floor antechamber. The wallpaper is peeling and bits of plaster have fallen from the ceiling here and there. There is a stairway, stable enough to ascend. The big area to the w must have once been a separate room, but the demolition crew seems to have already taken out a wall. A living room is e. On the s side is the front door. A Dumpster has been dumped here.
A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.

A door to the n, leading out back, is open.
human
Aketay ofasay
gpt
The pig looks up at you with a smile, understanding the language you're speaking.

Although the pig lends an ear to you, he doesn't seem able, or inclined, to carry out your request.
human
You take the sofa
gpt
Sizable sofa sits solidly, stubborn.
human
You examine the stairs
gpt
The stairway stands undemolished, ready to convey you in a vertical direction. You can just type that direction, as is traditional.
human
Umpjay intoway umpsterday
gpt
The pig looks up at you with a smile, understanding the language you're speaking.

The pig didn't seem to understand your request, however.

The pig looks up at you with a smile, understanding the language you're speaking.

Although the pig lends an ear to you, he doesn't seem able, or inclined, to carry out your request.

A distracted figure with wide, glistening eyes blunders in. The bearded man wears loose clothing and is looking at a tiny, hand-held television set. He tunes it, then shakes his head in disgust. "Again? 'Never Say Never Again'?"

He blunders out, using motions that seem to be exactly the reverse of the ones he made when entering. By the time you've recovered from the shock, you realize he has completely disappeared.
human
Go upward
gpt
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the n, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs d to the foyer turns and continues u, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the n, e, w, and s look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'NEWS.'

Your object-sensitive eyes notice: ... sizable sofa.
human
You go east
gpt
Built-in shelves, now bare, line this room. All are of pitted wood, fixed in place, with subtle grain running horizontally. The bare shelves still sag a bit, a reminder that they long bore a heavy load of books. There seem to be a few things left on the shelves.

Your object-sensitive eyes notice: ... copybook... abecedarian book... dust casing... wee writ.
human
Examine copybook
gpt
This little notebook has something originally published by Town Glow Books copied out in it. The title is "Footwords to Howl, for Solomon." The author is Onon Gonsborg.
human
You get the copybook
gpt
A mysterious force holds the book to the built-in shelves. "Rules must be observed in the library," says a full, sonorous voice, clearly attempting to sound hollow.
human
Burn book
gpt
This dangerous act would achieve little.
human
You examine abecedarian book
gpt
This book is tiny, with a total of 32 pages. It is entitled "ABC." The author is Robert Pinsky. It seems to have been published by a different three letters of the alphabet, FSG.
human
You read the page 1
gpt
What do you want to read in?
human
You look at your surroundings
gpt
Built-in shelves, now bare, line this room. All are of pitted wood, fixed in place, with subtle grain running horizontally. The bare shelves still sag a bit, a reminder that they long bore a heavy load of books.

Your object-sensitive eyes notice: ... copybook... abecedarian book... dust casing... wee writ.
human
You look at the dust casing
gpt
This dust jacket's most obvious feature is a large lowercase "e" with a red "no" slash-in-a-circle around it. It came off of the novel "A Void," which is Gilbert Adair's Translation of "La Disparition." The original French novel is apparently by George Perec, and was written entirely without recourse to a certain frequently-used letter. The English translation is similarly constrained. From the way the dust jacket is folded, it seems like "A Void" - wherever that absent book may be - is a sizable volume.

From the looks of the dust casing, these used to be a large bug sitting upon it, which has been completely smashed. Completely. Don't even bother referring to the bug at this point. It's not there. It's gone.
human
You pick up the dust casing
gpt
Success! Taken.

A distracted figure with a huge bushy beard blunders in. The man wears loose clothing and has a cell phone up against his head. He takes the cell phone from his ear and stares at it, muttering, "Hold on? Me old silly put silly old me on hold!"

He blunders out, using motions that seem to be exactly the reverse of the ones he made when entering. By the time you've recovered from the shock, you realize he has completely disappeared.
human
Examine writ
gpt
This is a wee piece of paper, with the title "Top Row Retort." The author's name doesn't seem to be completely printed beneath that title, but something that looks like "-i-- -o-t-ort" does appear there. A busted U.S. keyboard appears on the cover. Most of the letters have been removed from this, leaving only 'QWERTYUIOP.'
human
Pry writ
gpt
Success! Taken.
human
Look around
gpt
Built-in shelves, now bare, line this room. All are of pitted wood, fixed in place, with subtle grain running horizontally. The bare shelves still sag a bit, a reminder that they long bore a heavy load of books.

Your object-sensitive eyes notice: ... copybook... abecedarian book.
human
Examine copybook
gpt
This little notebook has something originally published by Town Glow Books copied out in it. The title is "Footwords to Howl, for Solomon." The author is Onon Gonsborg.
human
You get ABC
gpt
A mysterious force holds the book to the built-in shelves. "Look," says a somewhat frustrated sonorous voice that has given up trying to sound hollow, "I should make you read the hints to find out about this, but I'm getting fed up. You have to use a command that obeys the constraint of the text you're trying to take. Understand? Look, check the hint file if you still don't get it. I don't really care about that stuff myself. But I'm just the warning voice, you know. I'm not able to let you have the damn thing, you see. If it were my choice..." The voice trails off.
human
You get it
gpt
A mysterious force holds the book to the built-in shelves. You hear a somewhat hollow-sounding sigh.
human
You read ABC
gpt
The text is very short. In fact, there are only 26 words, each printed on a page of its own. One page is occupied by a lone typographical symbol, and a simply-presented half-title page and title page round out the slim volume. The copyright page indicates the poem is copyright 2000 by Robert Pinsky and appears in this virtual environment with his permission.

Any body can die, evidently. Few
go happily, irradiating joy,

knowledge, love. Many
need oblivion, painkillers,
quickest respite.

Sweet time unafflicted,
various world:

X = your zenith.
human
Acquire book
gpt
Success! Taken.

[+10.]
human
Go downwards
gpt
This is the mansion's spacious ground-floor antechamber. The wallpaper is peeling and bits of plaster have fallen from the ceiling here and there. There is a stairway, stable enough to ascend. The big area to the w must have once been a separate room, but the demolition crew seems to have already taken out a wall. A living room is e. On the s side is the front door. A Dumpster has been dumped here.

A door to the n, leading out back, is open.

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.
human
You put the book in Dumpster
gpt
You put the abecedarian book into the Dumpster.
human
You put the copybook in Dumpster
gpt
You put the copybook into the Dumpster.
human
You put the writ in Dumpster
gpt
You put the wee writ into the Dumpster.
human
You put the casing in Dumpster
gpt
You put the dust casing into the Dumpster.
human
You put the stylus in Dumpster
gpt
You put the stylus into the Dumpster.
human
You put the weapon in Dumpster
gpt
You put the wooden weapon into the Dumpster.
human
Up
gpt
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the north, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs down to the foyer turns and continues up, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the north, east, west, and south look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'NEWS.'

Your object-sensitive eyes notice: ... sizable sofa.
human
You examine the couch
gpt
The couch is about the size that the sofa was. It looks about as comfy, too.
human
Examine daybed
gpt
The daybed is actually larger than the sofa and couch were, although it looks a bit more comfortable. That's slight consolation, since it's going to be even harder to get it down the stairs now.
human
You examine the loveseat
gpt
Wonderfully, this loveseat is fairly small, although it looks pretty tacky - it's a sort of pale green with white flowers. But so what? You might manage to pick it up and get it down the stairs and into the Dumpster.
human
You get the loveseat
gpt
It's not going to be easy to lift this, even though it's much smaller now. Here's what we can try: lifting the loveseat, quickly proceeding down the stairs with it, and setting it down directly into the Dumpster. Sound good?
human
Yes
gpt
All right, here we go...

Taken.

This is the mansion's spacious ground-floor antechamber. The wallpaper is peeling and bits of plaster have fallen from the ceiling here and there. There is a stairway, stable enough to ascend. The big area to the west must have once been a separate room, but the demolition crew seems to have already taken out a wall. A living room is east. On the south side is the front door. A Dumpster has been dumped here.

A door to the north, leading out back, is open.

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.
You put the lovely loveseat into the Dumpster.

Whew!

[+5.]
human
You search Dumpster
gpt
In the Dumpster are ... lovely loveseat, ... wooden weapon, ... stylus, ... dust casing, ... wee writ, ... copybook, ... abecedarian book, ... stainless steel stapler, ... weird widget, ... evil effigy, ... earthen ewer, ... nifty nappy and ... toy dinosaur.
human
Go upwards
gpt
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the n, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs d to the foyer turns and continues u, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the s, e, w, and n look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'SEWN.'
human
Go upward
gpt
This lobby, allowing access to the rooms of the next-to-next-to-top floor, is in good shape. It is very similar to the lobby below, although the ceiling may be a bit lower. Here there are only three passages. Two of them (to the n and e) are normal passages, but one, to the s, is oddly constrained. It has an ominous sign above it. The main stairway leads d, while another staircase, straight and narrow, allows passage u to the next floor.
human
Go upwards
gpt
At this level the house is neither as broad or as long as it is on the ground floor. There seems to only be one other room on this floor, through a constrained double doorway to the w. One thin, unpainted stairway leads u into darkness from here. Another one, almost as narrow, leads d.
human
You go to the west
gpt
"LISTEN WELL!" a sonorous voice booms out, in attempted hollowness. "Know ye that passage back through here is difficult for some, impossible for others! Should you wish to transport yourself - without your cherished possessions - out of these constrained confines, have your controlling consciouness type the magic command: APPROACH THE APPROACH!"

This is a reasonably-sized bedroom, laid out symmetrically. On the room's centerline is a scan of two photographs, framed and affixed to the wall. A double doorway, now bereft of doors but clearly marked "EXIT," leads out, to the e.

Fortunately, someone's already cleared out the twin beds.

(The mansion, incidentally, like many adventure game houses, seems rather inadequately supplied with bathrooms. Perhaps there are certain adventurer functions that are better elided, though.)

Your object-sensitive eyes notice: ... pile of feed.
human
You look at the pile
gpt
[ ... ]
human
You look at the pile
gpt
Type the type of thing that is permitted here.
human
You look at the pile the x.
gpt
Yadda yadda.
human
Pile pile
gpt
Further heaping cannot be done. The pile is as piled as it's going to get.
human
Feed feed
gpt
(to yourself)
You're not going to eat that feed yourself! You're not getting paid enough to do to that.
human
You look look
gpt
You assume the most debonair adventurer stance possible, glancing around at the room as you do so, much as an assiduous adventurer would.
human
Elip pile
gpt
This is a reasonably-sized bedroom, laid out symmetrically. On the room's centerline is a scan of two photographs, framed and affixed to the wall. A double doorway, now bereft of doors but clearly marked "EXIT," leads out, to the e.

Fortunately, someone's already cleared out the twin beds.

Your object-sensitive eyes notice: ... pile of feed.

Yadda yadda.
human
You walk the the walk
gpt
You strut around the room, walking the walk. But you haven't said where you wish to go.
human
You talk the the talk
gpt
"SE. NE. OPEN WINDOW. W." you say enthusiastically, talking the talk of an adventurer.
human
Scan scan
gpt
The scan of the two photographs is set in a frame that is actually nailed to the wall. This is too bad, because of course you would like to take this object. But since it is fixed to the structure, it means the job of getting it downstairs falls to someone else.

The photo on the left side of the scan is of a famous cello player: Yo Yo Ma. The photo on the right depicts a man standing behind a United Nations podium. It's Boutros Boutros Ghali.
human
Frame frame
gpt
You try to make it look as if the frame has actually committed the murder.
human
Frame frame
gpt
You make a little square out of your hands and look through it at the frame and enclosed scan, imagining how it would look as a photograph. It would be pretty boring.
human
Go downwards
gpt
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the n, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs d to the foyer turns and continues u, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the n, e, w, and s look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'NEWS.'
human
Go downwards
gpt
This is the mansion's spacious ground-floor antechamber. The wallpaper is peeling and bits of plaster have fallen from the ceiling here and there. There is a stairway, stable enough to ascend. The big area to the w must have once been a separate room, but the demolition crew seems to have already taken out a wall. A living room is e. On the s side is the front door. A Dumpster has been dumped here.

A door to the n, leading out back, is open.

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.
human
Ogay upway
gpt
The pig looks up at you with a smile, understanding the language you're speaking.

The pig glances in the direction indicated.

The pig proceeds at a moderate gait, moving along as you asked.
human
Up
gpt
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the north, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs down to the foyer turns and continues up, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the south, east, west, and north look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'SEWN.'

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.
human
Go upward
gpt
This lobby, allowing access to the rooms of the next-to-next-to-top floor, is in good shape. It is very similar to the lobby below, although the ceiling may be a bit lower. Here there are only three passages. Two of them (to the n and e) are normal passages, but one, to the s, is oddly constrained. It has an ominous sign above it. The main stairway leads d, while another staircase, straight and narrow, allows passage u to the next floor.

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.
human
Ogay estway
gpt
The pig looks up at you with a smile, understanding the language you're speaking.

The pig glances in the direction indicated.

The pig does not seem troubled by the constrained double doors west. The pig proceeds at a moderate gait, moving along as you asked.
human
Go west
gpt
This is a reasonably-sized bedroom, laid out symmetrically. On the room's centerline is a scan of two photographs, framed and affixed to the wall. A double doorway, now bereft of doors but clearly marked "EXIT," leads out, to the e.

Fortunately, someone's already cleared out the twin beds.

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.

Your object-sensitive eyes also notice: ... pile of feed.
human
Feed feed
gpt
(to pig)
The pig smiles at your polite offer of the feed and delicately (but quickly) nibbles away at the pile, consuming all of it. Sated, the pig departs. You hear the stately animal clopping down flight after flight of stairs. Then the front door swings open and shut, and the sounds are no more.

[+6.]
human
You go west
gpt
Yadda yadda.
human
You feel
gpt
What do you want to feel?
human
You jump
gpt
You jump on the spot, fruitlessly.
human
You look at the widget
gpt
Wow! Wacky, wireless widget, worked whimsically with whorls. Widget's workings? Well ... widget wants worth. Warrantless widget!
human
You look at weapon
gpt
Weighty. Whittled walnut. Warrior's worthy weapon.
human
You look at the effigy
gpt
Enemy effigy. Extreme enormity evident. Execrable evildoer!
human
You look at the dinosaur
gpt
The toy dinosaur looks like a triceratops. It is made of injection-molded plastic, and colored the same pale, milky green all over.
human
You look at the stylus
gpt
Small stylus, straight, short. Stylus shan't suit staff, studiously scribbling symbols. Styptic stylus! Shaving scratch? Smooth stylus, soothing sorrowful slit - salvation.
human
You take all from Dumpster
gpt
lovely loveseat: This furniture isn't going anywhere like that.
wooden weapon: Removed.
stylus: Removed.
dust casing: Removed.
wee writ: Removed.
copybook: Removed.
abecedarian book: Removed.
stainless steel stapler: Removed.
weird widget: Removed.
evil effigy: Removed.
earthen ewer: Removed.
nifty nappy: Removed.
toy dinosaur: Removed.
human
Go up
gpt
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the n, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs d to the foyer turns and continues u, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the n, e, w, and s look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'NEWS.'
human
Go upward
gpt
This lobby, allowing access to the rooms of the next-to-next-to-top floor, is in good shape. It is very similar to the lobby below, although the ceiling may be a bit lower. Here there are only three passages. Two of them (to the n and e) are normal passages, but one, to the s, is oddly constrained. It has an ominous sign above it. The main stairway leads d, while another staircase, straight and narrow, allows passage u to the next floor.
human
Go up
gpt
This is the mansion's top floor. The whole level, barely illuminated in the pale, milky glow of the toy dinosaur, is one large room. It seems partially finished, like an attic. Fiberglass insulation bulges between bare boards. There are no windows. A stairway leads d.

Your object-sensitive eyes notice: ... manual.

[+5.]
human
You examine the insulation
gpt
The insulation is pink, sort of fuzzy, and with a strange sort of medical or metallic glitter. An outfit made of this material might serve as fetishwear for a Sesame Street character.
human
You get the insulation
gpt
You lose your grip on the insulation as you attempt to pull out a bit. It doesn't look like it can be taken, in this case.
human
You examine AA
gpt
It's a shiny PowerTreat-brand AA cell.
human
Go downward
gpt
This lobby, allowing access to the rooms of the next-to-next-to-top floor, is in good shape. It is very similar to the lobby below, although the ceiling may be a bit lower. Here there are only three passages. Two of them (to the n and e) are normal passages, but one, to the s, is oddly constrained. It has an ominous sign above it. The main stairway leads d, while another staircase, straight and narrow, allows passage u to the next floor.
human
Go down
gpt
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the n, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs d to the foyer turns and continues u, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the s, e, w, and n look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'SEWN.'
human
Go north
gpt
Here's a sort of small, enclosed backyard, closed in with a high wooden fence and completely covered with asphalt.

A door to the s, leading inside, is open.

There's one of those robotic puppies - the latest fad - here.

The puppy quips: "Your momma got interested in Infocom games 'cause she thought there was one called 'Witless.'"
human
You give the battery to the dog
gpt
Yips of pleasure sound as the robot puppy take the AA cell and chews on it playfully.

The robot puppy rolls about happily, chewing on the AA cell.
human
You take the puppy
gpt
The robotic puppy is endowed with locomotive abilities that are as quick and random as its prepackaged wit. It scuttles away from you quickly.

The robot puppy rolls about happily, chewing on the AA cell.
human
You ask Puppy,  to go south
gpt
The puppy doesn't seem to notice you speaking to it. Perhaps this cut-rate model doesn't accept voice commands or queries.

The robot puppy rolls about happily, chewing on the AA cell.
human
You take the cell
gpt
After a bit of effort, you wrest the AA cell from the puppy's robotic mouth. The puppy yips at you playfully.

The robot puppy yips and bounds about near you without taunting you.
human
You show the cell to the puppy
gpt
The robot puppy yips gleefully and bounds in your direction at the sight of the shiny AA cell you are holding out.

The robot puppy yips and bounds about near you without taunting you.
human
Go south
gpt
This is the mansion's spacious ground-floor antechamber. The wallpaper is peeling and bits of plaster have fallen from the ceiling here and there. There is a stairway, stable enough to ascend. The big area to the w must have once been a separate room, but the demolition crew seems to have already taken out a wall. A living room is e. On the s side is the front door. A Dumpster has been dumped here.

A door to the n, leading out back, is open.

There's one of those robotic puppies - the latest fad - here.

The robot puppy yips and bounds about near you without taunting you.
human
You put AA cell in Dumpster
gpt
The puppy hops into the Dumpster, chasing the AA cell. Robot jaws clamp upon the shiny treat happily. The puppy settles down in the Dumpster to play with the AA cell.

The puppy is now busy chewing on the AA cell in the Dumpster.

[+10.]