Captain of St Mirren at 17 the course of Tony Fitzpatrick’s life altered on a January morning in 1983. The day he lost his six-year-old son. His previous existence had been blinkered, revolving around the mainstays of family, football and faith. His family was shattered by the death of son Anthony following a two year battle with acute myeloid leukaemia. Somehow, the football and faith - subjected to anguished, grief stricken examinations in the months which followed - survived. “I have always believed in God" reflects Fitzpatrick, sipping fizzy water in a coffee shop in Glasgow's west end. “But what happened to little Tony made me angry. I wondered how something like that could happen. Tony Fitzpatrick wants his book to serve as a legacy for the six-year-old son he lost to leukaemia . “It challenged my faith for a wee spell. It challenged how I felt. “There was anger, bitterness, every emotion you might associate with bereavement. “I just couldn’t understand why God had done it. Even to this day I still ask myself the question.” He sought refuge and answers in writing. Scribbled notes on his experiences and emotions became a habit. The outcome of his jottings is ‘The Promise, Together Again’, the 59-year-old’s first book. It features the adventures of Babakoochi Bear, the pet name he used for the son lost 32 years ago. The memories are undimmed by the passage of time. He remembers the awful weather most. Through the grey clouds and rain enveloping Glasgow’s Hospital for Sick Children he grasped for a silver lining. “I always remember my wife and I coming out to the car park after Tony died and there being most stunning rainbow I had ever seen. “Maybe I was looking for something. But the colours were so vibrant, it was stunning. To me it was a sign. A sign of.... something." A committed, church goer he interpreted the rainbow as a token of hope. Some kind of message from above. Yet in the months which followed he examined his faith and found it wanting. Rationalising what kind of kind of God might take the life of an innocent six-year-old child proved impossible. An uneasy, restless peace descended slowly. “Listen, after a time faith became a great comfort again. You don’t know where it comes from. But when you are in despair your beliefs offer you peace and help when you need it most. “But was that challenged for a time? Yes. Yes, it was. They say time is a healer. You hear that all the time. And it probably is to some degree. “But when you lose a child you never ever get over it. “You learn to live with it. But that’s all. “Tony died in 1983. But every day he is with me in my life. “I feel him all the time in the room. “I can sit with my eyes closed in a quiet space and I don’t see him. But I take comfort from the fact I feel he is there. “It never gets any easier. There are times all these years on when I still break down for no reason.” Former St Mirren captain Fitzpatrick (right) in action for his club against Celtic . When religion was no comfort for his loss, professional football filled the void. Fitzpatrick was just 24 when his child’s illness was diagnosed and 26 when he died. In the course of two and a half years maturity was thrust upon his shoulders in brutal fashion. “I had been very, very selfish,” he reflects now. “What the illness of my son did was make me realise there were things in life more important than football. “For 90 minutes you would play and then as soon as the game was over it was ‘right, I have to get to the hospital.’ “Ach, I still played after he died. But something was missing.” His career, until then, had been on an upward trajectory. He started under Sir Alex Ferguson at Love Street, appointed skipper as a teenager, before a move to Bristol City, where Roy Hodgson was the manager . He returned to Paisley after two years, flirting with a Scotland cap and winning a Scottish Cup winners’ medal in 1987. Fitzpatrick managed St Mirren twice and remains a respected, likable figure in Scottish football. His 642 appearances for St Mirren make him a club icon, yet grief took a yard from his legs. “I always tried my best. I played in a good St Mirren team with guys like McAvennie, Frank McDougal and Peter Weir – really good players. “We had good teams, we were in Europe and we won a Scottish Cup. “But I had always had a deep desire to be the best player I could be. When Tony took ill it wasn’t the same. “I remember beating Celtic 3-1 and things were going great. It was looking good. And then ‘bang.’ “He had been unwell for a couple of weeks. One night he was really bad and I came down for training the next morning and saw he wasn’t right. “I went back to the doctor and told him Tony had purple spots. That’s when the alarm bells rung. “Within minutes of taking him in we were sent to Yorkhill Sick Kids’ hospital. “He had septicaemia, meningitis and then they found the leukaemia. His prospects were awful. “We spent all our time in Yorkhill. We slept there. “In the course of two and a half years we had Tony at home for no more than three months.” Tuesdays and Thursdays were spent donating blood to improve the quality of his son’s remaining days. With Elizabeth went on to have another boy and a set of twins before the couple went their separate ways. A product of the West of Scotland before counselling became the fashiom, however, Fitzpatrick found it difficult to express himself beyond the football pitch. He wasn't the only one. “I remember when little Tony died that neighbours and friends didn’t know what to say to us. “They would cross the road because they couldn’t deal with it. “I was very conscious of it and later they would explain they didn’t want to cry or break down. “My daughter was nine when it all happened and I regret that I couldn’t express my feelings to her either. “The little soul was left to cope because I couldn’t speak about it. “It occurred to me then that a book might be a way of breaking down the barrier.” Babakoochi Bear, the star of ‘The Promise, Together Again’, dedicates himself to pursuing peace on earth while adressing the themes of grief, loss and the rainbow which appeared over Yorkhill in January 83.. Fitzpatrick concedes that writing was also a form of catharsis. His way of finding some inner peace. “People feel their grief in different ways,” he admits. “I’m not educated in any way, but I started to jot down ideas about Babakoochi Bear and that developed. “I waited a long time – but this was the right time. I had a huge urge to do it.” An initial print run of 1000 books, with professional illustrations, cost money and when it sells out Fitzpatrick will use the funds to print more. Further stories of Babakoochi Bear’s travails bulge from notebooks in his Glasgow home and the Waterstones branch closest to Paisley have agreed to stock the book aimed at 7-11 year olds. “I did it for Tony,” explains Fitzpatrick. “Listen, he was a normal wee boy – he could be a wee nightmare at times like any child. “But he made a big impact on a lot of people in a short time. And more than anything I want this book to serve as his legacy.” ‘The Promise; Together Again’ by Tony Fitzpatrick is available from www.babakoochibear.com .
Tony Fitzpatrick lost his six-year-old son in 1983 after a leukaemia battle . Fitzpatrick is a former captain and manager of St Mirren . The 59-year-old has released his first book 'The Promise, Together Again'