A mother whose husband shot dead their two young children before taking his own life has revealed that her son and daughter continue to come to her in visions four years on. Speaking out for the first time since the tragedy, Zoey Mendoza, 41, has shared her heart-wrenching account of her final moments with five-year-old Jada and three-year-old Jordan, who were killed by her husband Kurtis Birth in Ringwood, New Jersey in October 2010. She also revealed that three weeks after their deaths, she read a book, Lessons from the Light by George Anderson, about how children continue to be with their families after they die. 'All of a sudden I heard my children giggling,' she told Yahoo Parenting. 'I sat straight up in bed and my room was bright white. It was like the sun was blazing though the windows, but it was nighttime. Missed: Zoey Mendoza has spoken out about the pain of losing her two children, five-year-old Jada, left, and three-year-old Jordan, right, who were killed by their father in New Jersey in October 2010 . 'There was a white staircase next to my bed and my kids were standing at the top, smiling. The second our eyes met, they ran to me. They held me and laughed. They let me know that they love me and will always be with me.' Mendoza said her son and daughter continue to come to her in visions, which gives her comfort as she continues to struggle with the pain of losing them. Troubled: Kurtis Birth, 38, killed his children and himself as the couple went through a separation . Recounting the weeks leading up to the murders, she said she had told her husband of 12 years that she wanted a separation but that it was something he didn't want. As he struggled to cope with the impending split, he attempted suicide and was put in a psychiatric hospital and they agreed they would attend therapy sessions together, she recalled. He promised to take medication for depression - although she later found out he had not - and they continued to care for the children together under one roof, she said. 'As a mother, my job was to protect my children, and one of my most defining struggles is that I never thought they were in danger with their father,' she said. 'I never knew I had to protect my babies from Kurtis.' On October 18, 2010, she took the children to their daycare center in Wayne for the final time. 'I gave [Jada] a big bear hug and Jordan jumped on my back,' she recalled. 'We were all tangled up together - warm and in love - for the last time.' Later that day,  Mendoza received a desperate call from her husband. 'I love you and I want to make this work,' he told her. 'Why don't you love me anymore? I don't understand why we can't fix this – please.' She told him they would speak about it later - but after an hour, he texted her to tell her he was going to pick up the children, which was not what they had previously decided. Tragedy: She recalled the hugs she shared with her kids before she said goodbye for them for the last time . Scene: The children were found dead inside an abandoned home belonging to their father's parents, while he was found dead inside his car. They were killed after he picked them up early from daycare . Fears: After finding out police had gathered outside the home hours an hour after she had reported her children missing, Mendoza rushed there and screamed that her husband had killed her babies . She raced over to their daycare center but learned they had already been collected. Mendoza urged police officers to look for her husband and children at his parents' Ringwood home, which was abandoned but still filled with odd furniture and belongings. 'This is where Kurtis found his grandfather's 20-year-old rifle that he used to kill our children,' she told Yahoo. At 7.30pm that evening, a friend called her to say the home was surrounded by police. 'I was frantic,' she remembered. 'On the 20-minute ride all I said was: He killed my kids. He killed my kids. He killed my kids.' Birth had shot Jada and Jordan in the back of their heads with a .22-caliber rifle before taking his own life in his parked car. When Mendoza arrived on the scene, she screamed: 'Those are my children!' After the tragedy, friends told news stations that they were baffled as to what had driven Birth, a account executive for Cablevision and a doting father, to take the lives of his children. New love: Mendoza, who now lives in a New York town, has remarried and has three stepchildren . There were no warning signs, they said. 'Those kids were everything to him and his wife was everything to him,' best friend Carlton Myers told The Record at the time. 'That's what makes it so much more unbelievable... He had more friends than anyone I knew.' Now Mendoza, who has re-married and has moved to a small town in New York, said she keeps her children's spirits alive by talking about them as often as she can. 'I talk and talk and talk to all of my dear family and friends about my feelings,' she said. 'I don't numb my pain. I live in it and walk through it every single day. I will honor my children for the rest of my life by sharing pictures and stories and dreams and memories.' When she re-married in 2012, their pictures hung either side of her during the ceremony. She is also working on her feelings towards her former husband and has tried to forgive him. 'The truth is that my children lived a beautiful, happy life with both of us,' she said. 'I know who Kurtis was before he was engulfed with depression and anxiety.'
Zoey Mendoza's five-year-old daughter Jada and three-year-old son Jordan were shot dead by her husband Kurtis Birth in New Jersey in 2010 . Before the deaths, they spoke about separating and Birth had tried to take his life - but she never thought she needed to protect her kids from him . In her first interview since the tragedy, she revealed her terror at finding out her children were missing and her pain at learning about their deaths . Three weeks later, the children spoke to her in a vision and they continue to visit her, she said . Mendoza has now remarried and has three step-children .