Screaming into a towel stuffed in my mouth, sweat pouring down my forehead, tears running down my face, I squeezed the breast pump again. Such was my determination to give my newborn daughter the best start in life, I was expressing milk for her, despite the huge abscess across the centre of my right breast. It was torture; far, far worse than giving birth. Rather than give Summer, then just two weeks old, a bottle of formula, I battled on. Months of brainwashing by the ‘breastapo’ and their mantra ‘breast is best’, made me feel the only thing worse than this torment was giving up. Laura Wright (pictured with her daughter, Summer) was so determined to breastfeed Summer as a baby that she went through weeks of agony . It was an attitude that not only threatened my health but also tarnished the first weeks with my precious firstborn and made me angry that women are put under such pressure to breast-feed that common sense flies out of the window. The questions about whether I intended to breast-feed began at my first prenatal appointment when I was 12 weeks pregnant and continued for the next six months. Advice, leaflets and DVDs were doled out in earnest, extolling the virtues and the rewards. Friends, family, colleagues; it seemed everyone wanted to know my intentions and to preach how breast-feeding was natural, easy, the right thing to do. I wanted to breast-feed; it can be a wonderful, bonding experience and mother’s milk protects against illnesses and allergies but the constant pressure to breast-feed takes no account of the fact not every woman can. My problems with Summer began immediately. When she was born at the University Hospital of Wales in Cardiff in July 2013, she weighed 5lb 2oz. When I put her to my breast she was too weak to latch on so the midwives gave her formula. For the next two days, at three-hour intervals, I kept trying. I was surprised how uncomfortable it was but when I winced, the midwife shook her head, insisting: ‘It doesn’t hurt.’ I felt pathetic, like I was failing Summer. Thankfully, on day three, with the help of a breast-feeding consultant, Summer finally latched on. There was no pain and I cried with relief. The next day I and my husband Ralph, a 30-year-old commercial manager, took Summer home. Laura (pictured with Summer) wanted to breastfeed because she knew it could be a bonding experience and that the mother’s milk protects the baby against illnesses and allergies . Over the next few days I continued to breast-feed but Summer was so hungry, I followed advice and relied on formula and expressed milk to top her up. Anxious to know if I was doing things right, I asked a breastfeeding consultant’s advice. ‘Why are you using formula?’ she asked in a disapproving manner, before feeding Summer my three remaining containers of expressed milk. I panicked; it had taken me a day to express that. So I put pressure on myself to quickly produce more. For the next six days I spent three hours a day with the breast pump and expressed at night after Summer had finished feeding. When I found a hard, round mass in the tissue of my right breast I asked the breast-feeding consultant to take a look. ‘It’s fine,’ she said dismissively. ‘A blocked duct. Give it a rub.’ Three days later my breast looked red and sore and was tender to touch. Feeding was extremely painful. Laura had problems with breastfeeding Summer (pictured at 4 days old) right from the very beginning as Summer was initially too weak to latch on . My GP diagnosed mastitis (inflammation of the breast) and gave me antibiotics but instead of being supportive and reassuring, the breast-feeding consultant insisted I use my left breast. The next day, when I woke from an afternoon sleep I was dizzy and delirious. Ralph took me to A&E. Infection was running rife in my body and I had an abscess, 4cm wide and 3cm deep, under the skin of my right breast. Doctors said I could either have it opened in surgery and drained or wait to see a specialist at the clinic when it opened on Monday morning. Not wanting to be in hospital over the weekend without Summer, I chose to wait. The next morning the pain was excruciating. The abscess had grown and the pressure from my building milk supply meant I had no choice but to start expressing again. That was when, in agony, I bit on that towel. While trying to breastfeed, Laura (pictured with Summer at one month) developed a 4 cm wide and 3 cm deep abscess under the skin of her right breast . The next day, while waiting to be seen at the clinic, the abscess burst, leaving a deep, gaping wound across my breast. I was rushed into a treatment room and seen by a consultant. I asked him if I should feed with my left breast. ‘It’s up to you,’ he said. ‘If you want to keep going you can.’ I wish he had just told me to stop. A mother’s instinct is to do everything to help her baby but sometimes you need a professional to step in and say ‘no’. When the breast-feeding consultant visited me a few days later she found me crying out of shock at the size of the wound. She was sympathetic but gave me no advice on feeding and, in my distress, I forgot to ask. She cancelled the next appointment and I never saw her again. She was doubtless rushed off her feet but I felt she abandoned me when I needed her most. By now, so nervous I was doing things wrong, I was spending hours travelling all over Cardiff to various breast-feeding workshops for struggling new mothers. Each time I found waiting rooms packed with worried women and fraught staff. One midwife insisted on examining my abscess in the middle of a crowded waiting room. When the abscess burst, Laura (pictured) was left with a gaping wound on her right breast, despite this she carried on trying to breastfeed with her left breast . Any advice I got was contradictory. One midwife said to give Summer as much formula top-up as she wanted, another to keep it to a minimum. No one could say whether I should breast-feed or not. Within a month my wound had almost miraculously healed and I went back to feeding with my right breast but two weeks later, it again felt inflamed. A second abscess was duly drained but further ultrasounds revealed four more absesses in that breast. Each time I asked whether I should stop breast-feeding I got a noncommittal answer. As a new mother, I was not strong enough to decide to stop on my own, not when I was supposed to be doing the best for my baby. Finally, when Summer was three months old, I was prescribed an 11th course of antibiotics and my consultant said I could not breastfeed while taking that drug. Laura (pictured with Summer at five weeks), says it's astonishing that she was never told to stop breastfeeding despite all the issues she had and the amount of medical professionals she consulted . At last the decision was out my hands; I had medical approval to stop. It was official – I was not failing my baby and almost immediately my breasts recovered and I suffered no further abscesses. I still felt guilty though; I couldn’t tell anyone what I had done and once ran out of a coffee morning because Summer was crying with hunger and I didn’t want the other mothers to see me pull out a bottle of formula. Looking back, it is astonishing that despite speaking to 17 health workers about breastfeeding over three months, while suffering from six abscesses, I was never told to stop. It took a drug that could potentially harm my baby to make someone intervene and help me to make the right decision. Laura (pictured) says it was the pressure to breastfeed from the NHS, society and herself meant that she was too scared to stop because she felt the consensus would be that she had not tried hard enough . When you have been through childbirth and are looking after a baby round the clock, you are already a physical wreck, unable to make sensible decisions. Yet no one acknowledges the physical and mental strain you are under. The pressure to breast-feed, from the NHS, society and even from yourself, means you are too scared to stop. If you do, the consensus is that you did not try hard enough. All I wanted to hear from an expert was that it was OK to stop. Doctors and other medics should silence the ‘breast is best’ mantra and treat new mothers as individuals, taking into account what they have been through. Until then, how many more mothers like me will have those first few precious weeks with their baby blighted? Interview: Charlotte Ward .
Laura Wright was determined to give her daughter the best start in life . She found breastfeeding painful from her first attempt . Laura developed a huge abscess across the centre of her right breast . Despite this she carried on trying to breastfeed on the other side .