How to Get Through a Fight With a Close Friend
Fighting with a close friend can be tough, but if you stay calm and talk your issues through with them, you can get through it. Once you've both calmed down, ask your friend to meet up and talk about it. Try to apologize for anything you did or said, even if you feel like your friend is in the wrong. That doesn't mean you have to accept all of the blame though. Explain your side of things too and listen to what your friend has to say. They probably didn't mean to upset you and it might help you to hear their perspective. If you don't see eye-to-eye on some minor things, try to agree to disagree. Then, work with your friend to set up a plan so you can avoid similar fights in the future.
Identify the problem. Take some time to think about what exactly happened, what was said, and what the real issue is. The eventual discussion will benefit from your thoughtfulness. Sometimes this analysis is straightforward and easy, but other times it's not as clear-cut. For example, some fights seem to begin over a casual insult, but upon closer review, it becomes clear that this insult was merely a symptom of a greater, underlying problem. Make sure that you're thinking deeply about the problem and questioning its causes. Review your own behavior. Even if you think the conflict was caused by your friend's wrongdoing, you should be sure to question your own part in the problem. Chances are that you aren't entirely blameless, and your conflict will get resolved much more quickly if you acknowledge your role in the conflict. It can help to write about your feelings in a journal and reflect on them in this way. If you have a therapist who you see regularly, bring up the conflict during your session and request their feedback. Don’t vent to other friends. While it can be good to talk to disinterested parties like your parents or teachers, you should make a special effort not to discuss the conflict with friends. Even if your friends mean well, it's easy for communication to get garbled as it passes from one person to another, and the last thing you want is for the situation to worsen while you're taking a break. This goes for social media venting as well. Posting status updates on Facebook or heated tweeting will just further inflame the existing problem and even create new ones. If another friend asks you about your conflict, tell them you would like to talk about it but you don't want to risk making the problem worse. If they press you, ask them to respect your decision and change the subject. Ask your friend to meet as soon as possible. Many times, the best way to resolve a conflict is the most direct way. Rather than catching your friend on the go, contact them with a request to meet at a specified time and date. This will ensure that both of you are prepared for the meeting and that you'll avoid unnecessary distractions, such as stress from work or school. In addition to thinking carefully about the time of your meeting, you should also consider the venue. Pick a neutral location like a public park or café so that neither of you feel like the other has an advantage. Avoid electronic communication before meeting. While it can be tempting to chat on outlets like Facebook, Skype, SMS, or Snapchat, try to resist the impulse. Even if neither of you says anything deliberately offensive, virtual modes of communication are notoriously susceptible to misunderstanding. It can help to make this an explicit ground rule so that you both of you are on the same page. Tell your friend you think that you should avoid contact until your meeting so that nothing gets worse in the meantime and you enter the meeting with as clean a slate as possible. Be punctual and calm. Show up to your meeting on time and in a calm state of mind. Being on time shows your friend that you value their time and that yo are eager to work out your differences, and being calm will help you work through the problem without letting your emotions get in the way. If you feel worked up, try some quick de-stressing techniques like focused breathing or manipulating pressure points. If these don't work, consider postponing your meeting, as sharp emotions can disrupt and delay an attempt at resolution. Avoid alcohol or coffee as these substances can make you more emotionally volatile and jumpy. Focus on the problem and not the people. Strive to keep the conversation focused on a particular event or issue rather than aiming insults or blame at one another. Use “I-statements” to explain your side of the argument. Tell your friend how you're feeling and what you think happened while focusing on your own actions and perceptions. This will help you to avoid sounding accusatory and aggravating the problem. For example, you want to say, “That thing you said really hurt me and I am having a hard time getting over it,” rather than, “You really hurt me and I'm having a hard time forgiving you.” If you're worried about staying on track, bring a “cheat sheet” to your meeting which outlines the most important points you want to cover. Remind yourself not to get derailed by bringing up past arguments or offenses. Listen to your friend. Just as your friend has shown you the courtesy to listen to your side, you should offer a respectful and patient ear to them. Resist the urge to interrupt or defend yourself, even if you disagree with their interpretation of events. In a fair and reciprocal exchange, you'll both be able to air your grievances and reach a better understanding. Restate what you believe the issue is to ensure that you and your friend are on the same page. For example, you might say something like, "Ok, so you're saying that it wasn't what I said that was hurtful, but that you are embarrassed because I said it in front of other people?" Agree to disagree. Part of maintaining a valuable friendship is understanding that you won't always see eye-to-eye with your friends. In other words, the two of you are friends not because you have all the same opinions, but because you value one another as people. It can help to periodically acknowledge how much you both appreciate your friendship throughout the resolution. It's a lot easier to discuss personal blame when you're both consistently reaffirming that you care about one another and want to reach a resolution. Apologize. A meaningful resolution involves apologies from both parties. This doesn't mean that both of you are equally at fault nor that you must claim equal blame, but rather that both of you should acknowledge some blame in the creation of the problem. Don't apologize if you will resent it later. If you apologize solely for the sake of smoothing things over, you'll resent it later and the original issue will remain unresolved. So, rather than extending an insincere apology, take some more time to reflect on the problem before you meet again. Create a plan for the future. Discuss with your friend how you can both strive to avoid similar problems in the future. You can consider a wide range of options for moving forward. Just make sure that both of you are on the same page. Consider how best to resolve your conflict. If you think you and your friend can easily talk it out, do so immediately. But, if you're worried that neither of you have the ability to resolve your conflict independently, think about your options for mediation. If you go to school or college, your institution likely provides a free or low-cost service that can help you with personal disputes. Research your options on the school website or call an administrator to obtain a referral. If your friend is a work colleague, you can ask your Human Resources department to officiate a conflict resolution. Don't choose this option if your dispute is very intimate and you would feel uncomfortable about someone at work learning about it, though. If neither work nor school offers an option for mediation, ask an adult you both trust. Ask a parent, teacher, or HR representative to mediate. If you've decided to get outside help for your conflict, contact this party as soon as possible so you can begin the process. Make sure the party you choose has no stake in the conflict. It might be helpful if the person trained in conflict resolution, such as someone trained as a lawyer or therapist, or a peer who has completed peer mediation training. Have your mediator set up a meeting between you and your friend. Let your mediator know what times work best for you and they can help you settle on a time and place that is convenient for everyone. If your friend declines the invitation, try to stay positive and give them more time. Different people process conflict in different ways and at different rates, so just because your friend isn't ready now to meet, does not mean they will never be ready. Let your mediator facilitate your conversation. You might find yourself tempted to wrestle control from the mediator in order to vent your feelings, but this approach will just continue and even exacerbate your conflict. Remember that your mediator is there to help, so let them guide your discussion. When the mediator asks you a question or to clarify your side of the argument, do so in a calm, reflective manner. Focus on your own feelings and actions rather than making accusations. Be an active and empathetic listener. When your friend is speaking, listen quietly and thoughtfully. While charged situations like this can make it difficult to listen, make it a priority to do so with an open and focused mind.  Try to understand your friend's point of view by putting yourself in their shoes, as empathizing is one of the best ways to resolve conflict. If you catch yourself planning a response while your friend is speaking, chances are that you're not really listening. After all, holding your tongue and listening aren't the same thing, so make sure you wait until your friend finishes speaking before considering and formulating a response. Stay positive. Your conversation will be more pleasant and productive if you keep the positive aspects of your friendship in the forefront of your discussion. It can help to take regular breaks throughout the session where you each say something positive about the other or recall a positive memory. This will remind you both how much you care about each other and that you are meeting because you want to make the friendship work. Look out for early warning signs. Next time, instead of waiting for a conflict to boil over, try nipping a developing problem in the bud. Know your relationship 'triggers'—that is, things your friend does which annoy or anger you—and share them with each other. This knowledge of one another's pet peeves will help you change your behavior and preserve the friendship. If you find yourself getting annoyed with your friend, think about your options for addressing it. You could take a break from each other, or you could talk it out right away, or you could try writing a letter asking your friend to stop the behavior. The most important thing is to address it in some way rather than ignoring your feelings until they boil over. Ditch your defensiveness. One of the best ways to maintain a healthy friendship is to adjust your attitude regarding fault and hurt feelings. Just because you're hurting, does not mean that the other person is solely to blame. Acknowledge that, as a partner in the friendship, you are partially responsible for keeping the relationship healthy and for any rifts which ever develop. Take breaks from each other. Whether it's your BFF or your significant other, it can be tempting to spend every second with those closest to you. It's wise, though, to resist this impulse and take some time apart periodically. It will help prevent future tiffs and make your friendship more enjoyable as a whole. This can be especially helpful if there's already some tension between the two of you. Giving each other some space will help cool off any simmering resentment and remind you how much you miss each other. Dedicate time to each other. Friendships change with time and conflict, and often times friends who were once close lose touch, but studies have shown that relationships can be preserved through communication and dedication. The tightest friendships remain so because the parties involved commit time and energy to one another, so take some time to connect with your friend on a regular basis. If you live far away from each other, this can be more difficult, but sending a quick email, e-card, or text can still be meaningful. Show your friend you're thinking of them and resolve to touch base over a long phone or Skype conversation as soon as you both have time. Change your attitude about fighting. While you shouldn't be quarreling constantly, remember that conflict can be a healthy and productive element of friendship. Instead of thinking about it as something awful which you should avoid at all costs, think about it as an opportunity to build better understanding and trust between each other. If you acknowledge that fighting isn't the worst possible scenario, you'll be more willing to confront your friend at earlier junctions. Since you're not avoiding conflict, you won't let existing problems languish and worsen over time. You'll also find that your fights take on a different, more positive character. Set boundaries. If the fight was over a boundary that was crossed, or if you just feel like you and your friend need to have better boundaries, then setting boundaries is a good idea. To do this, you will need to identify what your boundaries are and then tell your friend what types of conversations are off limits. For example, if you feel like your friend is crossing a boundary when she says negative things about your boyfriend, then you might say something like, “I feel upset when you say negative things about my boyfriend, so in the future, please don't say those things.” 
Identify the problem. Review your own behavior. Don’t vent to other friends. Ask your friend to meet as soon as possible. Avoid electronic communication before meeting. Be punctual and calm. Focus on the problem and not the people. Listen to your friend. Agree to disagree. Apologize. Create a plan for the future. Consider how best to resolve your conflict. Ask a parent, teacher, or HR representative to mediate. Have your mediator set up a meeting between you and your friend. Let your mediator facilitate your conversation. Be an active and empathetic listener. Stay positive. Look out for early warning signs. Ditch your defensiveness. Take breaks from each other. Dedicate time to each other. Change your attitude about fighting. Set boundaries. 