How to Tell Your Mom You Are Gay
Telling your mom that you're gay can be nerve-wracking, but with a plan and a little bravery, you can get it off your chest. Before you make the decision to tell your mom, make sure you're not risking your safety and that you have a place to stay if you get kicked out of the house. Once you're sure it's safe, write down everything you want to say so you can refer to it if you get nervous. You might want to include things like when you learned you were gay, what it's been like for you, and what your hopes are for the future. Once you've planned what you want to say, arrange a time when you can talk to your mom in a calm, quiet spot where you won't be interrupted. Then, speak from the heart about everything you've been feeling. You can say something as simple as, "Mom I have something I want to talk to you about. I'm gay." If your mom needs to process the news, give her some time and follow up with her later.
Pick a place to have the conversation that is quiet and calm. Choose a place where you won't be interrupted or have to worry about others around you. Rather than a coffee shop or restaurant, sitting in the living room or at the kitchen table might be more conducive to an open conversation. You could even ask your mom to take a walk with you. Go somewhere quiet and tranquil rather than a busy path or crowded street. If you want to talk to your mom at home but have siblings or another parent you don't want around, try to arrange a time when everyone else will be out of the house. You could even tell your mom you want to talk privately and she could help arrange a time for you two to be alone. Write down what you want to say so you don’t forget. If you are nervous, write out a letter addressed to your mom—when the time for the conversation arrives, you can follow the letter. Or, write bullet points of the important things you want to make sure to cover. In the moment, you'll probably feel pretty nervous and will be prone to forget things. For example, you may want to include when you learned you were gay, what that has been like for you, and why you've decided to share this with your mom. If you live in a household where homosexuality is frowned upon, you may also want to tell your mom that you were born this way and that it is part of who you are rather than a choice you're making. You could end your letter or list with a wish for your relationship with your mom. For example, maybe you hope that you can have an open relationship and that she'll accept you for who you are. Maybe you hope she will help you tell another parent. This is totally up to you based on what your relationship with your mom is like, so take some time to think about it. Make your safety a priority if you’re worried about your mom’s reaction. If you're afraid that she might become violent when you tell her you're gay, you need to have a plan in place. In this type of situation, it might be better to talk to her in a public place; or, you may want to have someone else with you for emotional support. At the very least, have an exit-plan prepared so that if she does become verbally or physically abusive, you have somewhere to go. Talk to a support system or mental health professional beforehand. If there are people in your life who already know you're gay, ask them for their support. It can be daunting to come out to anyone, including your mom. Talk to them about your fears, ask them for advice, and lean on them when you're feeling worried. If your mom is the first person you're going to come out to, this may not be possible. But even if she is, you could still talk to a counselor or therapist beforehand to get some support. Tell your mom you want to talk to her about something important. Rather than springing this big conversation on your mom, tell her beforehand that you want to talk. You could do this the morning of the day you plan to tell her, or you could even tell her a few days beforehand. Keep in mind that once you say this to her, though, she probably won't want to wait very long to have the conversation. Try saying something like, “Mom, I have something I want to talk to you about. Could we get together just the two of us this afternoon?” You could also say, “There's something I've been wanting to share with you, but I want it to be private between the two of us. When can we talk?” If she asks what the conversation is about, say, “It's about me, but I'd rather wait until we can sit down together to talk more about it.” Share honestly about your journey to self-discovery. If you made notes or wrote a letter, keep them with you. Do your best to focus on your personal feelings and experiences. If your mom tries to interrupt you, gently say, “I know you have a lot of feelings and questions, but I need to say this.” It's okay if you get emotional, rush your words, or forget something. Even if your words don't come out perfectly, you should still be proud of yourself for speaking your truth. Ask your mom if she has any questions and tell her you’re happy to talk. After you finish telling your mom that you're gay, say something like, “I know this is a lot to process. I've spent a long time thinking about it myself. Do you have any questions for me? I'll do my best to answer them.” Even if your mom appears angry or sad or confused, commit to sitting there with her, even if it's uncomfortable. In the best-case scenario, your mom will be supportive and loving. Even if this happens, she may still have questions! Be sure to give her time. If your mom says she needs time to process what happened, say, “I totally get it. When you're ready, let me know and we can keep talking.” Respond to comments and questions calmly and with confidence. It may be hard, but try to not get defensive, angry, or combative. Some things that are obvious to you may not be that way to your mom. For example, if your mom asks, “Is this my fault?” you may want to scream at her that being gay is not a bad thing. If you can, respond calmly with something like, “You've been a great mom and my being gay is just who I am. It isn't because of anything you did or didn't do.” You may feel like you've switched roles with your mom. That's a really common phenomenon when a child comes out to their parent. Set up boundaries for who your mom can share this news with. When and how you come out to others should be your decision, so make sure to talk to your mom about keeping your conversation private until you're ready for others to know. If you aren't ready for your grandparents, cousins, or others to know you're gay, ask your mom to keep your news to herself. Try saying something like, “I haven't come out to very many people yet. It's something I'm still working through. Until I'm ready, I'd appreciate it if you could keep this private between us.” If you want help telling someone else that you're gay, say something like, “I haven't told dad that I'm gay yet and I'm nervous. How do you think I should do it?” Be proud of yourself for having a difficult conversation with your mom! Regardless of how your mom responded, having this conversation was a hard and brave thing for you to do. It's a huge step in your journey and in owning your sexual identity. If the conversation went badly or not how you wanted, it's also okay and normal to feel upset. Talk with your support system, and try to remember that many parents need time (weeks or even months) before they adapt to this new information. Keep the lines of communication open. About a week after your initial conversation with your mom, ask her if she has more questions or thoughts she'd like to share. Try to show her that you're still a part of her family and interested in being connected. For example, say something like, “It's been about a week since we talked and I thought you might have more questions for me. Is there anything you'd like to talk about?” If you're unsure of your mom's feelings, try saying something like, “I know we haven't talked much since our conversation. I'd like to know what you're thinking.” Give your mom time to process the news. Try to remind yourself that you've had a long time to think about this and process it, but to your mom, it's completely new. You can even say this to her if you think it would help. She may need a few weeks or even months before she can acclimate herself to this change. Even moms who initially respond negatively to this kind of news can come around. In the meantime, take solace in your friends and support system. Understand that this is a journey for your mom and try to be empathetic. Your mom is probably experiencing her own range of strong emotions, even if she was happy for you and super supportive. Instead of expecting her to adjust quickly, allow her the space she needs to figure out what she thinks and how she feels. Your mom may feel guilty that she didn't realize you were gay or that you felt you couldn't tell her about it earlier. Offer your mom some LGBTQIA+ material so she can educate herself. It may be super helpful for your mom to read about other families that are similar to yours. PFLAG is a great resource for parents, friends, and families of people in the LGTBQIA+ community. Or maybe you have a friend who is gay whose parents have been through the coming-out discussion, too. It could be helpful to connect them and your mom so they can talk. If your mom is willing and interested, invite her to come along to pride parades and rallies and try to include her in your life. She may end up becoming your greatest advocate! 
Pick a place to have the conversation that is quiet and calm. Write down what you want to say so you don’t forget. Make your safety a priority if you’re worried about your mom’s reaction. Talk to a support system or mental health professional beforehand. Tell your mom you want to talk to her about something important. Share honestly about your journey to self-discovery. Ask your mom if she has any questions and tell her you’re happy to talk. Respond to comments and questions calmly and with confidence. Set up boundaries for who your mom can share this news with. Be proud of yourself for having a difficult conversation with your mom! Keep the lines of communication open. Give your mom time to process the news. Understand that this is a journey for your mom and try to be empathetic. Offer your mom some LGBTQIA+ material so she can educate herself. 