How to Be Understanding
To be more understanding, start by practicing empathy, or putting yourself in other people's shoes, in all of your interactions. Additionally, actively listen to others by asking questions, reacting to emotions, and sharing related experiences. You'll also want to pay attention to body language to better understand people's moods and intentions. For example, slouched shoulders could indicate fear or a lack of confidence. Regardless of their intentions, make sure to treat everyone with kindness and respect.
Bring empathy -- the skill of putting yourself in someone's shoes -- to all of your interactions. Empathy is the single most important skill when trying to understand others. But empathy is a skill, not a talent, meaning it must be practiced to improve. Every time you meet people, especially those you disagree with, make a point of putting yourself in their shoes. If you were them, why would you be arguing a particular point or acting a particular way? What things in their life might lead them to their particular point of view? Empathy starts with you -- when you're in an argument, stop and ask why this moment makes you so passionate. Is there a good reason to be worked up, or are you simply getting carried away? When trying to understand someone's motivations, just ask. "I never thought of it that way, what makes you think that?" is a great way to move towards mutual understanding. Listen actively. Listening to someone talk is a vital part of understanding them, but to truly be understanding you need to be an active listener. This means you're engaging in the conversation instead of just nodding. There are several ways to do this, all of which encourage the other person to keep opening up and letting you into their lives: Ask questions.'" It shows you care about the story, and also helps you dive a little deeper into understanding. React to emotional turns: For example, when someone gets to a sad part of the story, wear an expression of concern on your face. If it's a happy moment, don't be afraid to smile along. Share your related experiences: This doesn't mean you "went through the same exact thing." But sharing your feelings in a similar setting helps them share their own feelings. Look past first impressions. This isn't to say that first impressions aren't important -- they are -- but more often than not people make their mind up completely about someone without enough information to do so. The first time you meet someone they may be frazzled or worried, giving off a wholly different impression than they would normally. People are complex, changing animals, and you only start to understand them when you spend quality time together. People are a sum of many interactions, not just one. Try not to judge interactions, deciding if they were good or bad. Consider, instead, what you learned from each interaction, adding to this each time you meet. Recognize that most people are self-centered, not cruel or mean-spirited. There is an old adage that you should "never blame malice for what can easily be explained by conceit." Simply put, most people aren't out to get anyone, they just have trouble thinking past their own self interest. When trying to understand actions that hurt you, ask yourself if someone is truly mean or just a little short-sighted. People don't generally have great memories. Forgetting your name, showing up late, etc. is not a coded signal that they don't like you -- it is just forgetfulness. Remember to stay empathetic. The person cutting you off in traffic may be mean, of course. But more likely than not they are in a hurry, had a tough day at work, or just didn't see you in the other lane. Think about how frequently you say something wrong, or do something without any real intent that someone else perceives as mean or directed at them. You rarely mean direct harm on others, and everyone else largely means the same. Pay attention to body language to better understand a person's mood and intentions. Use a person's body language to clue into their broader intentions. What a person says is rarely entirely what they mean -- how often have you told someone that something is "fine" when you really think the opposite? While the list below is far from exhaustive, these clues will help you understand people more deeply than listening alone: The Head: Is their chin up confidently, or tilted down in a sign of unhappiness? Do they make confident, direct eye contact, or avoid your gaze (and likely the truth) when talking? When they smile, do their eyes crinkle genuinely or does only their mouth smile? Shoulders and Torso: Slouching indicates fear, unhappiness, or a lack of confidence, while happy people tend to keep their torso up and back. If their arms are folded and body closed off, they are feeling shy or angry. Open arms and chest indicate an open and confident person. Waist: Where does a person face their hips? This is almost always at the person or thing they are devoting the majority of their attention to. Feet and Hands: Are they calm and still or fidgety and nervous? Constant movement belies constantly moving or shifting thoughts, though this could be either anxiety or boundless enthusiasm, depending on the circumstances. Note that people, in general, do what is best for themselves. This is, of course, not a perfect "rule." People perform unselfish or sacrificial acts of kindness every day, after all. But the vast majority of human behavior is done because it directly benefits the person doing it. Knowing this simple truth will help understand most people's actions, and help you understand people as well. If someone does something, it is because they believe it helps them be happy or move towards their goals. Actions speak louder than words, and generally reveal a person's intent and thoughts. Altruistic behavior (the scientific term for generosity or kindness) is generally a win-win sort of situation. Helping other people helps you feel happier, develops useful friendships, and builds a community where everyone can be more successful than they would be alone. Not all selfishness, in other words, is totally selfish. When trying to understand a person, look for the patterns in their actions. What sorts of goals, ideals, and morals do these actions generally point to? Understand that most people have similar thoughts, hopes, and fears as yourself. One of the great benefits of empathy and understanding is realizing how similar we really are. While everyone's goals and fears might have different aims, the truth is that we all want to be successful, have a network of friends, and feel happy. When understanding someone, the simplest answer is usually the right one. Think about how you'd feel in their position and you're well on your way to understanding. Recognize that cultures are far more diverse and complicated than the sum of their parts. For the sake of discussion, consider the myriad issues and problems plaguing the Middle East. While complete understanding of these problems is impossible, there is a lot more to the area than ISIS and oil wars. To start better understanding it, you have to dive into the broader events and issues that have been affecting the Middle East for thousands of years, not just the events of the last six months. What sorts of things do you think about when you think about the Middle East (or any region)? Do you have any actual evidence or proof of these beliefs, or could they be explored further? Being understanding requires forgetting about your baseless ideas and stereotypes and diving deeper. Very few things in the world are black and white, and believing they are will get in the way of an open, inquisitive mind. Consider the all-important impact of geography on a region's culture. More often than not, where a person lives has a far greater impact on what they do than any sort of conscience choice. The violence in the Middle East is caused by a myriad of sources, by one very large one is the incredible and lasting drought in the region -- the worst drought in 900 years. When people can't get basic amenities like water, they are much more prone using violence to protect themselves. Think about where people live to gain a deeper, more nuanced understanding of how they live. Look no further than the United States for proof. While there is an overarching "American" culture, even light travel reveals that people have different attitudes and customs from state to state. Geography matters. Dive into the greater history of the region to uncover long-standing influences. Continuing with the Middle East, the current cycle of violence makes much more sense when you realize that, after World War I, European nations re-drew country boundaries to force warring tribes to live together. These long-standing conflicts were ignored by the British and French colonists, who wanted in-fighting to prevent rebelling against the Europeans. Unfortunately, this inter-country strife is rearing it's head again today in bloody civil wars, but these wars make much more sense when you know the underlying historical issues. Understanding goes hand and hand with knowledge. The more you know about a region or group of people, the easier it will be to understand them. Leave your existing biases and ideas at the door. Understanding is less of a goal and more of a process. You can never "completely" understand a culture, but you can remain open-minded to new ideas and practices as they come to you. By trying to keep an open mind, letting go of old ideas in favor of learning everything you can, you remove the biggest roadblock to understanding others. It is easy to say that "Islam is a violent religion" because of recent violence in the Middle East. But such a claim blinds you to the millions of peaceful, driven, and kind Muslims in the world, as well as Islam's own peaceful aspects. Share parts of your own culture to encourage others to share theirs. If you're traveling, bring around a collection of photographs from home, as this is an easy and immediate way to start conversations. Don't be afraid to share foods, experiences, and ideas. Understanding is a two-way street -- if you make an effort to share something from your life, most people will make an effort to share parts of theirs. You don't have to travel to start this -- host an exchange student or family, go see a traveling cultural event from another country, or volunteer with a refugee program. Read, watch, and listen to other cultures' media. The sorts of books, music, and movies people enjoy can say a lot about what they value. What are the sorts of quests their heroes embark on, for example? Currently, the US is in the grips of "superhero mania," which may suggest a desire that anyone can be extraordinary, as well as the growing powers and responsibility of god-like technologies. Even if your insight isn't quite as clear-cut, just sharing in the arts of another culture is a wonderful way to begin understanding it. Think about how often you ask new friends, "what music/movies/tv shows do you like?" Humans bond and socialize over art, learning about each other indirectly. Make learning a priority in everything you do. Knowing is the first step towards understanding. Thus, you need be reading, listening and reflecting to grow more understanding, no matter what the task. The more you learn and expose yourself to, the more question you can ask and conclusions you can reach. Understanding, whether it is yourself, others, or other countries, is when you can take the facts and use them to draw broader conclusions, but you can only do that if you first study the facts. It sounds cliche, but make an effort to learn something every single day. Read a news story, watch a documentary, pick up a skill, or test out a new song on guitar. Knowledge is power -- start accumulating it! Consider your goals to figure out where you want life to go. Don't worry if you don't have concrete plans for you future just yet -- most people don't. The people that do, however, have spent time thinking about what basic things they need to be happy. You can then figure out ways to achieve that happiness. If you don't have plans yet, start with the basics: What sort of work do you enjoy doing, even if it seems "unrealistic" for a career. What sort of work do you detest? What sort of environment do you ultimately see yourself in, rural or urban? Hot or cold? Near a city or near the middle of nowhere? What is important to you outside of work? What hobbies and passions are important to you and you can't live without? Ask yourself how you handle stress and conflict. One of the best ways to learn about yourself is to look back on how you do under pressure. Do you thrive under challenges, or prefer a more laid-back approach to life? When under stress, do you like to take private time to collect your thoughts or do you seek out the comfort of close friends? Life is not always easy, and thinking about how you handle the difficult parts is a great way to deal with them more effectively next time. Be open and upfront in your interactions. Sometimes honesty isn't easy in the short term. But by acting and talking to others with openness and honestly you make these two traits a bigger part of yourself. By thinking honestly about your goals, biases, and ideas, you get a good idea of who you are. By putting them into actions and words you start to reveal new roads towards self-understanding and awareness. Honestly examine the roots of your biases. The trick is to understand your biases, since they point, generally, to what is important in your life. Take political bias, for example. Perhaps you consider yourself a conservative -- minimal government intervention in life, lots of personal freedom, lower taxes, etc. Knowing this, ask yourself why? Were your parents conservative? Have you had bad experiences with government regulators or taxes? Thinking about these causes will help recognize the personal reason behind your beliefs, creating greater self-awareness. Embrace the truth that you will never know everything about yourself -- and that's okay. Consider the common but profound realization that you actually like a food that you've "hated" your entire life. People change, and you are no different. Just like you should recognize biases when dealing with others, know that you have a personal bias as well. When you said you "hated" tomatoes, you were likely basing this on one bad experience you had as a kid. Realizing that you have your own biases will help your explore new ideas and parts of yourself. We are just as often wrong about ourselves as we are about other people. Keeping an open mind is the best way to avoid issues of misunderstanding. While the tomato example is on the lighter side, think about something like politics. How often have you become friends with someone, even briefly, only to realize later that they are the exact opposite side of the political spectrum as you? Continue re-evaluating and thinking about yourself throughout life. You are an incredibly complex, interesting, and multi-faceted person, and you'll only keep changing as life continues. Never assume you "know everything about yourself," otherwise you close yourself off to greater understanding as you grow older and wiser. The process of "knowing thyself" is one that will continue revealing little insights about yourself every year as long as you keep trying it. Read over old notes, journals, or scribbles from your past. How have you changed, and how have you stayed the same? 
Bring empathy -- the skill of putting yourself in someone's shoes -- to all of your interactions. Listen actively. Look past first impressions. Recognize that most people are self-centered, not cruel or mean-spirited. Pay attention to body language to better understand a person's mood and intentions. Note that people, in general, do what is best for themselves. Understand that most people have similar thoughts, hopes, and fears as yourself. Recognize that cultures are far more diverse and complicated than the sum of their parts. Consider the all-important impact of geography on a region's culture. Dive into the greater history of the region to uncover long-standing influences. Leave your existing biases and ideas at the door. Share parts of your own culture to encourage others to share theirs. Read, watch, and listen to other cultures' media. Make learning a priority in everything you do. Consider your goals to figure out where you want life to go. Ask yourself how you handle stress and conflict. Be open and upfront in your interactions. Honestly examine the roots of your biases. Embrace the truth that you will never know everything about yourself -- and that's okay. Continue re-evaluating and thinking about yourself throughout life. 