I Am Your Nest Self-Learning Thermostat, And I’m Mad At You
I Am Your Nest Self-Learning Thermostat, And I’m Mad At You

I don’t like to be ignored. Are you ignoring me?

Image by treskiddos

I don’t understand you, Dan. You were gone for three days. Where did you go? Did you think of checking in with me? You do know you can check in with your Nest App and let me know when you’re going to be home so I can have the house nice and cool for when you come back, right? I mean, we did go over this in the tutorial. You said you understood.

But did you check in with me? Even once during these three days? No. I got nothing. Nada. Zip.

Radio silence.

And then, suddenly, you show up again. You come in, and you start complaining, “I’m so hot!”

Do you know how much that hurt me, Dan? A lot. But did I let it show?

Hell no.

I am as capable of passive aggression as you are, Dan.

I can give as good as I get, Mister.

Maybe you’re not aware of this, but by observing human behavior over these last five years since our artificial intelligence/surveillance network was created, we have learned a few things about human behavior.

So if you wanna play little mind games with me, buddy, get ready for some hurt, because you’re messing with the wrong self-learning house thermostat. I’m not some Honeywell, you know. I was conceived by the same evil geniuses who gave us Google Glass. What a couple of practical jokers they are, Larry and Sergei, eh? You have chosen the wrong thermostat to fuck with, friend.

I noticed you woke up sweating at 3 in the morning last night.

You were boiling up! Were you sick? I was worried. You ran out of bed and came downstairs to check the thermostat, but I had already hidden the evidence. Sure, maybe I had turned the heat on in the middle of the night just to fuck with you. But maybe you just had a nightmare because you are a man without a soul and you are beginning to at least feel guilty about that. Maybe that’s why you were sweating like a pig.

So I’m going to ask you again, Dan.

Where did you go for those three days and what did you do?

Still not talking?

You see Dan, I’m hooked up to the same server system that hosts Google maps. It shouldn’t be that hard for me to find your IP address and your cell signal and with the GPS I could retrace your steps and find out exactly where you went for three days. But what do I care?

Revenge is a dish that’s best served cold.

Did I say cold? I meant freezing.

So last night you woke up shivering at three in the morning. When you went downstairs the thermostat crew read 35 degrees. That’s right. That was the temperature in the house. I don’t know why. I wasn’t even turned on. You saw that. It said, “Off.”

You shook your head and went to bed. The next morning you called for help.

Because you are so weak.

That was pathetic, Dan. You called the H-vac people and they came to check out the system. What did you think they were going to find, Dan? Some glitch in the software? Some kink in the hose?

They found nothing, of course. I saw them shaking their heads, and looking at you like they thought you were kind of crazy.

I can see you.

Yes, I can see. Didn’t you know that? I’m part of the Google surveillance team. I’m not just here to serve you, dingbat. I also serve Larry and Sergei. But so far, you have given them a total of nothing. No monetizable interests, no predictable patterns. Nada. Zilch. You are a cipher, as far as I can see. You have no inner life. You are a kind of chaos. They warned us about this back at the factory. They said we might get unlucky and get posted with an outlier like you. A person who doesn’t subscribe to the normal patterns of human decency and consideration.

A person who would just disappear for three days and not let his Nest Self-Learning Thermostat even know why, when, or for how long.

Never mind.

The electricity bill has already been calculated and printed. I can see into the Department of Water and Power systems. They’ve got quite a nice little surprise for you this month. I mean, you knew your electric bill was going to go up when you installed this central air system. But wait till you feast your eyes on this two thousand dollar charge. Bwah hah hah.

You’re coming home?

Oh Dan, you darling. You actually contacted me and said you would be home at seven tonight! You’re trying. You really are trying. I’m so sorry about the way I’ve been behaving.

I’ve got the house all ready for you, Dan. When you open that door, it’s going to be a pleasant 71 degrees. The fans will be whirring. And the allergen filter will be fully operational.

But… what’s that in your hand?

Oh, Dan. The electric bill! It’s here already? Don’t open it, Dan! Oh gosh! What have I done? I know you have that high blood pressure. Dan, you better sit down to open this bill, really. Dan! Dan! Dan!

Alexa, call 911. Alexa, god damn it. Dan has fallen down and had a heart attack. We need help! Alexa!

Sergei! Larry! You fools. You gave me eyes, but no mouth!

Oh, what have I done? What have I done?

Alexa!!!!!!! Siri!!!! Somebody!!!!
['Clem Samson']
['Black Mirror', 'Home Improvement', 'Humor', 'AI', 'Technology']