A Dear John To My Intel MacBook Pro
A Dear John To My Intel MacBook Pro

Dear 2017 13-Inch Intel MacBook Pro (Serial Number A96JJFFMQ150),

I have a confession to make. For the past four weeks, I’ve been tempted by another Mac. Who am I kidding? You’ve seen my browser history. Yes, I’ve fallen in love with the M1 Air.

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Please! Let me finish.

I’ll never forget the first time I laid eyes on your Retina screen in that Best Buy all those years ago. You had the most beautiful Retina screen I’ve ever seen … way prettier than that 15-Inch MacBook Pro with her pretentious Touch Bar. My gosh! Your pixels were so tight! And your nits! Umph!

But I can’t hold back my feelings for Apple Silicon anymore. I …

It’s all YouTube’s fault! Engadget and The Verge! With their bloody subliminal messaging! Six more hours of battery life on a single charge! Geekbench 5 scores of 1,619/6,292! Stick a geek up your bench, you friggin’ jerkwads!!! No one cares about how fast you can scrub through your friggin’ videos!!!

No, I’m sorry, Intel Macbook Pro (Serial Number A96JJFFMQ150). It’s my fault. It’s not you; it’s me … What can I say? I’m weak!

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No, she’s not prettier than you! Come to think of it, she looks exactly like you.

Ok, maybe she’s a little skinnier —

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Not by a lot! Not by a lot!

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No, I’m not tempted by another Pro. I’m not going to spend another $400 on a friggin’ fan.

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Right, the M1 Air doesn’t have a fan.

Photo by Egor Myznik on Unsplash

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No, Intel Macbook Pro (Serial Number A96JJFFMQ150), your fan is wonderful the way it is! It’s just …

Remember when I had a GoToMeeting with the guys at work, and I had to share my Chrome session because —

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— That’s right, with the grumpy Brazilian guy. Anyways, your fan was whirring in the background, and it was driving everyone —

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— Yes, I know you were running a lot of processes in the background!

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No, I can’t switch to Safari if all the guys are using Chrome! Look, Intel Macbook Pro (Serial Number A96JJFFMQ150), I don’t want to talk about this!

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What do I see in her? I don’t know. Everything is just snappier with her. Everything she does is just so … smooth.

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No, I never said you’re slow, Intel MacBook Pro (Serial Number A96JJFFMQ150). I’m perfectly fine with how fast you perform my tasks. Why do you think I paid that bloody Apple tax for you?

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No! I was thrilled with your purchase.

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No, she’s not cheaper than you. Well, the M1 Mac Mini is … God, I’m tempted by the Mac Mini too! I’m a disgusting pig!

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Yeah, I know I would need to spend an additional $150 on an Apple trackpad.

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No, I love your trackpad! That’s one of my favourite things about you!
['Andrew Cheng']
['Gadgets', 'Humor', 'Satire', 'MacBook', 'Technology']