A couple of months ago, I wrote in this column about some of the peculiar names I have encountered while broadcasting games at the AHSAA’s Final 48. There are all kinds unusually placed apostrophes and multiple spellings for common names like Stacey or Brandy littered throughout that tournament’s programs.
This month I want to take that name theme a little further and write about some of the more interesting ones in sports history. Considering how many times I get the “Luke…I am your father” routine, I have always had an affinity for less popular monikers.
For example, as an NBA enthusiast back in the mid-1980s, I may have been the only kid in Tallapoosa County with a World B. Free poster.
Oh, you have never heard of World B. Free? It’s cool. Despite the badass name, his fame never really took off to Jordan-esque heights (which is ironic considering he was also dubbed, “The Prince of Midair.”)
Free (born Lloyd Bernard Free) was a 16-year pro-ball vet who had more than a few seasons of hovering near the NBA’s scoring lead. Unfortunately for Free, he was probably born too early to enjoy the notoriety he deserved.
Free should really get more credit for re-naming himself since it was the 70s and all. His self-labeled nickname seems much more organic and original than the current NBA’s copycat Ron Artest and his relatively recent change to Metta World Peace.
Free is cool and errythang, but there are a lot more names that are more creative, funnier, or just flat unfortunate.
Perhaps you enjoy a more regal title. How does God Shammgod strike you? As a high school superstar (who ironically played on the same team as Ron Artest), he was known as “Shammgod Wells.” However, upon attending Providence College in 1995, he had to either use his first name of “God” or legally change it. Since he did not have the $600 to go through that process, God Shammgod is what he went by from that moment forward.
“God” is a bit much? How about Florida Atlantic footballer “Yourhighness Morgan” then? This name works as both pro-royalty and pro-marijuana legalization purposes.
What about “Chief Kickingstallionsisms” who balled at Alabama State not too long ago? At 7’ 1” and 255 pounds, the only thing bigger than him was his personalized license plate. I guess “Chief” was easier to deal with than his real name of “GrlenntyaGrlenntya.” That guy had to be hell in a spelling bee.
While on the subject of the more empiric titles, I suppose Captain Munnerlyn, Majestic Mapp, and Napoleon Outlaw do deserve honorable mentions. Oddly (or not so oddly), Majestic’s brother’s name is “Scientific.” Not kidding.
I’ll also add Danger Fourpence, a former Zimbabwean soccer player, to this list. It’s not necessarily regal, but it is a little British in that it sounds like he should be plotting to blow up the moon in a James Bond movie.
But I know what you are looking for when it comes to outlandish designations: Names that can be sexually suggestive.
It’s almost too easy to begin with NASCAR’s Dick Trickle or baseball’s Dick Pole. Those two aren’t even close to the worst names though. Chubby Cox, Dick Paradise, and Wang Liqin may feel they have it a little worse.
I will start even more obscurely, though, and slide right into Fabian Assman (wait… there has to be a better way to type that.)
Kramer may have made “The Assman” popular on Seinfeld in the 90s, but it was Fabian Assman who played goalkeeper in Argentina. His opponents say nothing gets by him easy. Unless, of course, it is rich in fiber.
Then there is Urban Shocker. Mr. Shocker was a star on the baseball diamond back in the early 1920s. Luckily for him, he didn’t live long enough for his name to become the star of many a dirty joke.
Wide receiver Fair Hooker has an interesting title. But if you are going to be a “Hooker,” people will appreciate your being “Fair.”
Meanwhile, I can only say the opposite for former St. Louis Cardinal Stubby Clapp. Having “Clapp” is bad enough; you have to be “Stubby,” too? That’s almost as bad as former Atlanta Falcon Siff Phlyss or golfer Gonn E. Rhea. (OK, I made those up, but Stubby Clapp was very real.)
So the next time you want to complain to your parents about naming you Normie or Exa Emma, try to remember that things could be worse. You may have had to do banana-fana-fo-fana with “Wonderful Terrific Monds, Jr.”
Things have gotten pretty scary these days for us women, I have to say. I don’t know if you have read any of the news headlines recently, or any magazine articles specifically aimed at women “of a certain age,” but they all seem to say that once a woman turns 50, she completely disappears from society. From what I’ve heard, women the age of 50 and over are completely overlooked by the fashion designers, advertisers, the beauty industry, the movie industry, television shows, magazines…in fact, all of society at large. And, oh yes, we are also invisible to men.
Actually, I find that this isn’t completely true. I am constantly being bombarded with advertising for products that want to help me hide the fact that I am growing older. I’m not sure if they want to help me hide this fact from myself or hide myself from society, but there is definitely a theme to all of this.
“They” have created a narrative that is a constant refrain playing out in all the advertisements, entertainment and media that we consume. That theme is “Anti-Aging.” It actually goes beyond that. Society is apparently against women aging. What else does “Anti-Aging” mean? It literally means “No Aging.” And, “Against Aging.” It’s no longer enough to “age gracefully,” but we must not actually age at all. This is, of course, just for women. If I do dare to actually “age,” then the least I could do is have the courtesy to hide the fact.
All of this came clearly into view for me one evening when I was thinking about an article I had recently read on Huff/Post50 about how middle-age women just don’t seem to be noticed, how we are overlooked by, well, everyone. I just couldn’t understand it until one night when I was going through my regular “beauty routine” and happened to notice all the products I was using. I suddenly realized that they were all “bleaching creams” and “lightening” lotions and “vanishing” potions, to “minimize,” “visibly reduce” and “fade” all age-related wrinkles, lines, dark spots, dark circles, uneven skin tone, yellowing teeth, dark and stormy stray hairs and, well, basically, everything about me. Which is very unfortunate as I am just now finally beginning to get comfortable in my own skin. Now they want to make me disappear!
Then one night when I was flipping channels on the television I saw one of those infomercials that was promising to completely eliminate my sagging neck, and my creapey, veiny skin.
It’s enough to make you want to go into hiding. Actually, the cosmetics industry is more than happy to help us with that, too. And, we willingly play along.
All day long we wear our make-up masks to hide our aging faces. We try to cover up the laugh lines and age spots with products sold to us by advertisers hungry for our money and who make us feel that our self worth is tied up in looking our best. Apparently that is only achieved by using all the make-up, and skin care, and beauty products that help us cover up our age. Then at night it is time for us to remove our mask of meticulously applied make-up with even more products created to help repair all the effects of the makeup, and time and sun and gravity and living, overnight, while we sleep. All so we can wake looking refreshed, but not refreshed enough. So we must go through the whole cover up process again the next day.
It doesn’t stop with our faces. It seems to be a problem with every part of our bodies. There are entire industries created to help us get rid of unwanted pounds and inches and promise to reduce us down whole sizes or more. I’m not sure who it is that doesn’t want the pounds and inches but they must be gotten rid of at any cost.
It’s a good thing we have all those undergarments to squeeze ourselves into until it cuts off our oxygen supply. At least we won’t be showing those unsightly extra pounds we are carrying around that are so difficult to lose the older we get.
Luckily, there is an endless amount of options available for medications that can help us with that, too. All you have to do is turn on the television and you will be inundated with an array of pharmaceutical options to help you feel better about the fact that you have another birthday coming up this year.
The fact is, we can play hide-and-seek with our youth and our looks and make ourselves crazy trying to fight a losing battle, but time marches on. It’s pretty scary stuff. I think I will go put on my beauty mask.•