The last few weeks I have been “off.” I have been extremely tired, lack motivation, and am moody. Today, I had another example of how my brain is changing.
I was tidying up the bedroom and began to move items in order to dust. I started to pile things on the dresser. I was not being careful but, for some reason, didn’t really care. As I continued, I looked at my South African art ostrich egg that was dangerously positioned underneath the piled up items.I remember looking at it and thinking I should move it or else it will fall.
Well, guess what… it fell. Even though I had the initial thought of moving this precious piece of art, I didn’t. I don’t know why. All that I know is that the fragile Osterich egg fell and shattered.
Dawn came running into the room and after surveying the floor she began to tear up. She knew how important this piece of art was to me. A number of years ago, while working in South Africa, I bought this art Osterich egg. It was the same day I went to Nelson Mandela’s museum. I carefully carried it home and have always handled it with kid gloves. It meant a lot to me on an emotional level.
Strange. As I collected the pieces, it made me quite sad. But it was more than just a broken art piece. I felt sad because my brain did not do what it should have. One part of my brain should have said “danger, danger” this could fall and break. Another part of my brain should have then taken that piece of information and move the egg. It didn’t.
As I looked down at the pieces, I thought to myself, this is like my brain. I now have these pieces that are disjointed and not connected anymore. So yes, the brain is still working, but not in the way it should, much like Humpty Dumpty. It is quite a visual analogy for me.
As I lay contemplating this latest episode, I realize that just like Humpty Dumpty, I will not have someone who can fix me. Research and medical solutions are too far off in the future to be able to have the solution to glue those disjointed pieces of my brain back together.
With having dementia, I am very well aware that I can present as looking just fine. But, my brain is sick and struggling. I will just have to continue to do my best and balance on the wall to the best of my ability.
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