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Some people have a legitimate reason to feel depressed, but not me. I just woke up one day feeling sad and helpless for absolutely no reason.
It's disappointing to feel sad for no reason. Sadness can be almost pleasantly indulgent when you have a way to justify it - you can listen to sad music and imagine yourself as the protagonist in a dramatic movie. You can gaze out the window while you're crying and think "This is so sad. I can't even believe how sad this whole situation is. I bet even a reenactment of my sadness could bring an entire theater audience to tears."
But my sadness didn't have a purpose. Listening to sad music and imagining that my life was a movie just made me feel kind of weird because I couldn't really get behind the idea of a movie where the character is sad for no reason.
Essentially, I was being robbed of my right to feel self pity, which is the only redeeming part of sadness.
Standing around feeling sorry for myself was momentarily exhilarating, but I grew tired of it quickly. "That will do," I thought. "I've had my fun, let's move on to something else now." But the sadness didn't go away.
But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back. A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn't going to work.
When I couldn't will myself to not be sad, I became frustrated and angry. In a final, desperate attempt to regain power over myself, I turned to shame as a sort of motivational tool.
But, since I was depressed, this tactic was less inspirational and more just a way to oppress myself with hatred.
And that made me even more sad, and so on and so forth until the only way to adequately express my sadness was to crawl very slowly across the floor.
The self-loathing and shame had ceased to be even slightly productive, but it was too late to go back at that point, so I just kept going. I followed myself around like a bully, narrating my thoughts and actions with a constant stream of abuse.
I spent months shut in my house, surfing the internet on top of a pile of my own dirty laundry which I set on the couch for "just a second" because I experienced a sudden moment of apathy on my way to the washer and couldn't continue. And then, two weeks later, I still hadn't completed that journey. But who cares - it wasn't like I had been showering regularly and sitting on a pile of clothes isn't necessarily uncomfortable. But even if it was, I couldn't feel anything through the self hatred anyway, so it didn't matter. JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE.
Slowly, my feelings started to shrivel up. The few that managed to survive the constant beatings staggered around like wounded baby deer, just biding their time until they could die and join all the other carcasses strewn across the wasteland of my soul.
I just drifted around, completely unsure of what I was feeling or whether I could actually feel anything at all.
If my life was a movie, the turning point of my depression would have been inspirational and meaningful. It would have involved wisdom-filled epiphanies about discovering my true self and I would conquer my demons and go on to live out the rest of my life in happiness.
Instead, my turning point mostly hinged upon the fact that I had rented some movies and then I didn't return them for too long.
The late fees had reached the point where the injustice of paying any more than I already owed outweighed my apathy. I considered just keeping the movies and never going to the video store again, but then I remembered that I still wanted to re-watch Jumanji.
I put on some clothes, put the movies in my backpack and biked to the video store. It was the slowest, most resentful bike ride ever.
Just as I was debating whether I should settle on a movie that wasn't Jumanji or go home and stare in abject silence, I noticed a woman looking at me weirdly from a couple rows over.
She was probably looking at me that way because I looked really, really depressed and I was dressed like an eskimo vagrant.
Normally, I would have felt an instant, crushing sense of self-consciousness, but instead, I felt nothing.
I've always wanted to not give a fuck. While crying helplessly into my pillow for no good reason, I would often fantasize that maybe someday I could be one of those stoic badasses whose emotions are mostly comprised of rock music and not being afraid of things. And finally - finally - after a lifetime of feelings and anxiety and more feelings, I didn't have any feelings left. I had spent my last feeling being disappointed that I couldn't rent Jumanji.
And that's how my depression got so horrible that it actually broke through to the other side and became a sort of fear-proof exoskeleton.
This has brought me to tears. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. I first felt like the first half of the comic and after reading it I'm gonna go for a bike ride and buy a ton of skittles (I still won't touch a spider though.)
Unfortunately I haven't had any meaningful arguments with myself in a long time. It sucks because they are some of the only ones that I can win.
Glad that you could talk about your depression in your very own way and even more glad to see you back.
I lived through 10 years of alcoholism/abusive marriage/eating disorder/self-loathing and came through the other side stronger, happier, and more fucking bad-ass than ever. You will do the same. Those of us in 'The League Of Funny Bitches' are bitches for a reason. We look the world in the eye and say "What the hell...might as well laugh at this shit." Hnag in there, girl.
I really missed your posts. I'm sorry you're struggling with depression and I hope you find something that helps.
Sad to say I can relate to this and it made me sob slightly! Glad you came out the other side though.
This is so thoroughly accurate. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so glad I'm not the only one to experience this. I hope your new mood lasts <3
Did you become a rainbow after eating all of those Skittles? It'd be like Arnold with those seaweed carrot snacks from The Magic School Bus, except, instead of orange...you'd be ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND!
hahaha touch a spider. I'm super excited to see a blog post from you again! Sorry you're going through this but you can do anything! :)
I read your wonderful words and love your wonderful pictures, and I look at your startlingly lovely face and aspect on your youtube videos and think, oh, what a fine human being is this.
I was trying to be depressed. You totally ruined it for me. Thanks "alot" and also Thank You Allie! You are my favorite!
I can so totally relate. I'm sorry you've been struggling also, but the way you put it is so....true. And funny. And poignant. Plus the drawings are so adorable. I've been on the other side of self-hatred, too, and it feels great after being so sad and helpless. I hope your vibrancy and love of life returns!
Depression is a bitch! I suffered from postpartum depression after I had my daughter and it was awful.
Oh, Allie, I'm so sorry you've been suffering so much. I'm glad you're doing better and I hope you stay better. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to depression. Hang in there. The entire Internet thinks you're awesome, so please know that you are.
This is great Allie- It was well worth waiting for, it's a feeling we've all been through. Real life... hope you're feeling better though- I look forward to the book and more posts!
I could have written this post, only I don't think I ever got to the "Nothing can do anything to me" stage. It sounds like a fun stage, I'm kind of sad I missed it. I want to not give a fuck.
You are awesome. Mostly because you put a voice to things tons of people feel. When people get all judgey and weird because getting out of my bed and off the internet seems akin to climbing Mount Everest, I can say "Go read this and then you'll get it, you feeler of feelings that don't suck."
I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I felt every single one of these feelings as you described them now, just like I felt them when they were happening to me too. I am glad you broke through to the other side, but don't EVER EVER EVER be ashamed to seek help. Even if you just find someone to talk to for a little bit. That third party, objective viewpoint is kind of nice sometimes. Hang in there Ali!!!
I have the same sort of problem. Depression + social anxiety = a lot of sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I currently have 4 different piles of clothing laying in two different rooms because I ran out of dryer sheets like a week ago, and can't even make it to the dollar store that's like a block away. *le sigh*
Depression summarised in a comic strip. Never thought it possible until now. Sorry to hear you weren't feeling so great!
Yup, what they all said. Except about it being sad, because it is a lot of other things, but not sad.
2) Poor, sweet baby. There, there. *Hugs in noncreepy way* I'm so glad you were able to break out of that. Fuck 'em with Skittles if they can't take a joke.
Been there, done that! And your description of the not-good-experience made me happy for quite a few minutes.
Depression is a rotten thing to go through- I've been there myself. Ugh. I'd rather stick my head in nest of fire ants than go through THAT again.
I love, love, love this, and I am glad you are feeling better. I have felt like you felt many times before. This summer a friend introduced me to Marc Maron. Have you heard of him? You should listen to his podcasts about depression. Good stuff!
I'm not glad you're feeling like me, but I'm glad that someone else can sympathize with me. It's Halloween season for Chrissakes, I can't even muster enough excitement to eat hordes of candy.
I can totally identify. I sometimes get sad with no reason and then I get mad at myself which makes nothing better. I don't understand why it happens but then it goes away and I'm ok again until the next time. This is a really good description of how that feels. Thank you.
I have recently been here too. (And maybe am there a little bit today). I'm pretty sure I've had that exact same eskimo vagrant outfit on, actually.
i'm going through the same thing. also, i live in a two-story apartment and someone still managed to steal my bike. off of the balcony. life. <3
I like how it was totally sad at first and made me want to sniffle, but ended with me laughing. I love your honesty and humour, and I'd say writing a blog post and making jokes about it shows you're pretty well on the way to recovery! A lot of us can empathise with suffering from depression, and we all wish you the best of luck. :)
"trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back."
I'm really sorry to read you've been depressed.. I've been wondering where you were. I hope with enough skittles and invincibility you can return to your old self. I'm in a similar place, good luck. ♥
Wow, I'm actually going through this myself for a while. Kudos to you, Allie, and for really making depression into something a little more understandable.
That was a perfect depiction of a depressive episode. There has been a pile of folded clean clothes on my couch for about a week now. I randomly move them around so I can lay with the dogs on the couch but the idea of moving them all of the way to my dresser is just too exhausting. Hope you are feeling better. :)
Aww! Actually very inspirational. I love the 'load me up' picture and the last picture. Both are amazing.
That's how my depression makes me feel. Except invincible only lasts when it's a mind game and not when someone is kicking your ass.
Yup. Very glad to see a new post from you! Hope you didn't actually touch any spiders. You never know were they've been.
I mean, I knew I was depressed, but the untouchable godlike part, I just realized that that's how it ended, right now, while reading this.
I've been depressed since then, for brief periods, but nothing like that one time. Thank God for untouchable exoskeletons.
I hope you never go through that again, of course, because it sucks, but I'm still glad you posted about it in such a glorious way.
YAYAYAY! The ending was so awesome. That picture at the end was indescribably amazing. I now know what my desktop background for the next decade is going to be :D
Ohhh my gosh. Thank you so much for this post. I'm battling the same kind of thing. & it's comforting to know that there'll be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Welcome back Allie! I've been depressed before, and I know that it is no fun. I'm glad you got through it!
Glad you're back! And congrats on the beating depression/becoming invincible to painful emotions thing!
Having had two separate bouts of depression during my teens I'm well pleased how much this made me giggle - I Love You Super-Bunches.
Allie, I want to give you like a thousand million hugs. Thank you for opening up about your depression- most of us readers don't know you personally, but we care about you!
Loved this post, and have to say I've been there, and it made me laugh because I've had those feelings too, from beginning to end. I hope you defeat your depression monster, and I look forward to more from you whenever you can! :)
Happy for the new post. Sad that it's delay was caused by life-crushing depression. Depression is so illogical sometimes. Glad you found that magic key that unlocked the code to regaining your life.
It's sad, but I have to ask due to personal experience...did Boyfriend make it through with you? Is he still here?
We're rooting for you, Allie. Think of it as thousands of hugs from strangers. I mean...thousands of strange hugs. I mean...thousands of strange huggers. I mean...you know what I mean.
I find the mania part of my bipolar causes me to not give a crap and buy all the skittles. I truly do wish you the best in this struggle. Remember, no one would tell you just to get over cancer.
Helloooo, horrid experience in college. Glad you're back, Allie. Keep riding that bike forward and don't look back. :)
Thanks for this post and for broaching a sensitive subject in a unique way. You hit that balance between deeply uncomfortable and hilarious. Glad you are back.
Well, at least neither of us are wandering that emotional landscape alone. Thanks for writing this (he typed, looking at the open bag of Reese's halloween candy that's going into his mouth vs. those of neighborhood wandering tot-looters). And hugs and well-wishes and such and so on. ;)
SO SO SO SO happy you're back! Big hugs and lots of love - congrats for kicking depression's ass. Is there anything Skittles can't do?
It's so great to see you posting again. This really touched a nerve with me, as I have been battling depression myself. Thank you for posting this and giving people some deeper understanding of how it feels.
oh my god, you are writing about my life, down to every detail. especially the part about the late movies.
Super insidious, depression. You know exactly what to do to feel better, but doing any of those things seems utterly overwhelming. Believe or not, the best antidepressant for me is the ADD medication. Makes things seem possible again.
YOU ARE AWESOME. If you were in my real life I would hug you a lot. You are hilarious and even your post about depression was adorable and hilarious and crushingly sad because you do not deserve to be sad, you deserve to be happy a lot, and you are so talented at getting across your feelings through your posts. It feels weird to say that your post about depression was funny and cute but I think that just shows how talented you are at communicating your life. I hope things get amazing for you and you feel joy and eat every last skittle without even getting a stomachache!!!!!!
I'm so glad to see another post from you, but I'm sorry to hear that things haven't been going well. There's a saying in Spanish: "Mal de mucho, consuelo de tontos." Roughly translated, it means, "The fact that your suffering is shared by a lot of people is only comforting to idiots."
Sure, lots of people may be depressed, and sure, some of these people have relatively worse things going on in their lives. But that doesn't change the fact that you're in pain, and it doesn't diminish the legitimacy of your suffering. Please don't feel guilty about being depressed.
I became depressed after MOVING from New York to North Carolina in the ninth grade. I hated myself, because here I was, a middle-class kid with a great family and perfect health, and I fell all to pieces over a simple move. I felt weak and pathetic. But sometimes you get down, and when that happens there is no shame in getting help. I saw a psychologist and it really, really helped. If you're still having difficulties, please think about seeing one!
Wow. I never really understood what proper, actual depression felt like until this post. I think I've been a bit of a shit friend to my friends who have it. Soz dudes. :(
I need a shirt that says "Nothing can do anything to me." I NEED IT RIGHT. FUCKING. NOW. Or, I will stab myself through the cheek with a fork. Then at least I'll have a scar, and when people are like, "lolololol it looks like you got stabbed in the cheek with a fork" I'll be all like, "yeah, I fucking did!" All because I didn't have that shirt. YOU ARE MEEN, ALLIE!!!
You can't even know how much I needed this. I'm in the laying on laundry phase. I look forward to being Batman and not giving a fuck.
I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this. I hope you continue to improve, and thanks for sharing in such a bittersweet albeit still-kinda-funny way. Hugs to you!
Welcome back! You have brilliantly described depression - so few people understand what it can be like. Your post will change that.
this story was awesome, and it reminds me a little bit of NPH when he says: " when I'm sad, I just stop being sad and start being awesome instead!". cause that's totally what you did! ps i love you you're awesome, you can make me laugh so hard i can't stop crying.
First I was happy you posted something new, then I was sad you were depressed, then I was happy you came out of it, and now I want skittles...
So glad you're back, Allie, and at least partially without the sad monster. The sad monster can actually be great armour, especially in exoskeleton form.
I can definitely relate. At the moment, all I want to do is stay on the couch all the day and not do anything other than internet things. This may have something to do with my nerdiness, or it may also be my apathy towards my job. Which I want to quit in favour of blogging and design. But can't until I start making money.
All I can say is I'm glad I don't live somewhere where puffer jackets are a prerequisite before leaving the house.
You have officially made my day, which is just beginning seeing as I live right next to the date line :D
This made me laugh and cry all at the same time. Been there and doing that, good to hear you feel more invincible now
Also suffering from depression and will now be reposting this in an effort to get some people to understand just exactly what it feels like.
I suffer from depression too (typing this from my laundry pile of Mordor)...thanks for being brave enough to share. I am going to go drink some chocolate milk and maybe watch Jumanji.
Fantastic way to describe depression! I'm sorry you had to experience it but appreciate you sharing it. I think when brilliant, funny, intelligent people like yourself admit weakness, it makes the rest of us weaklings feel better.
I'm both scared and comforted on how you've captured what I feel right now. Except wanting to watch Jumanji and eat skittles. I ain't down with that.
That's the scariest and perhaps most beautifully heartfelt and vulnerable thing I've ever read. Thanks for creating that entry, and know that you have one more stranger rooting for you and your work in a HUGE way.
You are incredible. This is incredible. So damn insightful into Depression, wrapped up in a hilarious bow. That you can, have, and do feel these things, and can still turn it into something that had me crying with laughter? Damn, girl. You're a winner.
I feel kinda bad lolling at this, especially since I understand and know all too well just exactly how it feels.
You have an incredible gift for explaining stuff like this, it can be so hard to communicate just how truly awful it is. This could totally be a pamphlet on depression for doctors to give to people
Thanks for writing. I totally get it. <3 And I think you rock even more than I did before for sharing part of your life that isn't all that funny.
I always like it when other people talk about their depression. I feel a lot better when I know that someone else deals with similar issues. Oh yeah, WELCOME BACK!!!
why do I feel like this might be my future...I can practically feel it. Some day I will become so numb I won't give a crap. I don't know whether it's a relief or not.
Love the way you laid this all out there; lots of love to you. Keep fighting. Not giving up is still fighting.
I can't even deal with how amazing this is. I've tried to write about my depression so many times and it hasn't come close to nailing it the way you just did. Amazing.
You will never read this in the onslaught of comments in their thousands that are just about to roll in (Oh no... they're coming... AAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!) but this is SO. LIKE. LIFE. Depression is an evil bitch monster. And you can kick its ass.
It's bizarre that you have NEVER said anything that I couldn't relate to. Thank you for putting it in comic form...it makes things easier, somehow.
So happy you're writing again!! Surprisingly, I was just posting about your blog on Facebook - we've been talking about teachers, so I shared the Alot blog post. Just as I posted that link, your update came in with the new post, so I dropped everything to read it. Spot on with the depression - I've been through it, so has my wife and two of my kids. It's a bitch. You just have to be a bigger, badder, more awesome bitch and you win! Thank you for sharing your world with us - it makes ours so much better!!
Dude, I have so been there. Depression makes you feel as alone as a vegan at a BBQ, but seriously, other folks go through the exact same process. There's no shame in it, and there are lots of resources for dealing with it.
Yes! Totally relate! And I'm not going to tell you not to be sad or not to be depressed, because as you said, that's like an armless person punching themselves until they grow arms. Prozac is my best friend, but not everyone likes my friends, and that's okay.
I'm sorry to hear you're depressed. I know how you feel. I've been unemployed since July and just moved to a different country. Am now broke and starting to panic. I have battled bouts of depression for my entire life. I would just like to say, you certainly give me plenty of joy. And it's heartbreaking to read and see your depression, even in the very funny format you use. I wish you the best of luck. xo
I don't have words for how brilliantly spot-on this is, so the ones I used just now will have to do for now.
I'm glad you posted because I miss your posts. I've been very depressed before and argued with myself but I'm still way scared of horror movies. Enjoy your Skittles!
So sorry you are going through that - but hopefully the skittles and a barrage of horror flicks have helped you in your struggle! Oh, and touch a spider? Really? Don't do it.
Sounds familiar. Even the laundry part. Sometimes it's totally worth it to get to the not-giving-a-fuck part, though.
You are full of WIN. I'm sorry you've been having a rough time, and I totally relate to everything you said.
I think anybody that tells somebody that is depressed "You could feel better if you wanted to" should read this! It perfectly sums up the hole that depression is.
So, not to sound cliche, but this was totally me. Once I got depressed, it got to a point where I could fuck shit up and not care. I love this.
Damn. Totally been there. Haven't broken out the other side and found my exoskeleton yet. Maybe soon. Glad you're feeling better. :)
Now for seriousness...have you ever been tested for food allergies? Some food allergies can build up over time (so you weren't allergic before, but are gradually becoming so) and one of the biggest symptoms of it can be depression!
Depression and anxiety are linked. But I am glad you manged to make it out yourself, that takes a strong person.
We all missed you horribly! And if you need horror movies and skittles I can totally hook a girl up.
I'm sorry you went through such a troubled time. I really missed your posts! Hope things get better for you and that you conquer this. Love you, Allie! I'm so glad that you made a new post! :]
I am way way old and I love that you are you, just from your blog, since I would not know you if you tripped me in the aisle of your mart of choice. Thank you for this post. You explained the whole experience perfectly.
You're awesome. Just saying. And I'm glad to see that you're alive and hadn't died.... I was getting worried. Keep your head up, kiddo, things will get better!
*hug* I'm so glad to see a new post. But I'm sorry about the topic. Depression is bad enough but COMPLETELY RANDOM depression is just the universe deserving a kick in the nuts. Ride with that fear-proof exoskeleton and see where it takes you. :-)
I don't think you are super creepy, and I figure there would be worse things than being found. Unless it was being found with a spiky thing or fire.
Anyhow, just was giong to say that just the one new post makes a bunch of people all happy, so therefore you are not a bad person on the whole. I suppose there may be things you could obsess over, but in balance you use your powers for more good than evil, so there you go.
Also cannot believe that I click on this and it said 9 comments and now it is like 44, and by the time it posts it will be more, so you will likely never even see this one. And thanks for the forum by the way it is a lifesaver.
suffering from not depression but severe panic anxiety for the past 13 years, I suddenly realized through reading this that... maybe there IS a positive side and I just haven't found it. you get so darn negative about hardships that you forget about it, so, THANKS ALLY :D
this post made me truly happy and positive. I just want to find my strong point now and kick someone in the face (well... that came off wrong. maybe kick a wall in, then)
I could have sworn that you were writing about me. Especially the whole part about lying on a couch and desperately trying to get yourself to stand up and loosing that battle.
Also, fistbump for being from N. Idaho. I was born and raised in Lewiston. Don't worry. I got better.
If I can have some skittles I'll watch the scary movies with you, and stand at a safe but encouraging distance while you touch the spider. =D
I've always been amazed by your talent, Allie. Now I'm amazed by your strength. Thank you for posting this.
This is hilarious and incredibly poignant at the same time. I have to admit I got a little choked up.
I love you, Allie. I can totally relate! I'm sorry you were depressed for so long, but I'm happy you managed to exoskeleton yo' way out of it!!
I have tumors and diseases. But, am not depressed, thank goodness. Sorry you are and thanks for making me feel better, even though I didn't really need it.
I'm glad to see you're alive. And that your invicibleness did not put you in front of a car. And that you seem to be doing better? :( *hugs*
I was overwhelmingly sad for no reason today. Then I saw that there is a new Hyperbole and a Half post and I perked up. But then I saw that it is about being overwhelmingly sad for no reason. So I'm not quite sure how I feel now.
This work by Allie Brosh is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.