BRUSSELS — The International Fraternity of Climate Scientists has again issued dire predictions for the stability of weather patterns, saying that because global temperatures will continue to rise, women must remove their tops now — before it’s too late.
“As carbon emissions continue to wreak havoc on weather, women may find themselves getting warm, even feeling like they might faint,” said Dr. Frederic Geerts, president of the all-male climate science organization that was founded in Brussels in 1921 during a weekend of heavy drinking and inordinate barometric pressure readings. “We cannot wait any longer for the world’s ladies to disrobe.”
The warnings come amid contradictory suggestions from Dr. Hamoud Alessa, a respected climatologist who leads a research team at Shaqra University in Saudi Arabia. Alessa confirms that global temperatures are rising, but he says that women everywhere should cover themselves, completely if possible, to avoid damage from the heat.
“Women should not be taking off pieces of clothing,” Alessa said. “In fact, they must show less skin if we want to combat the deleterious effects of climate change on their virtue.”
Geerts counters that women are getting all hot, and they want to take off their shirts anyway. Now is the time for them to unbutton their blouses — before their hands get all sweaty after temperatures climb, he says.
“We cannot let the deniers and skeptics confuse us with pseudoscience,” Geerts said. “Women everywhere know it’s getting hot, and they’d feel a lot better letting the breeze cool them.”
Alessa responded by saying: “I implore women everywhere to cover up, before my peer Dr. Geerts starts running around like a dog and humping everyone’s legs, as happened last time Belgium suffered from a heat wave.”
Another all-male research team from the University of Sao Paulo in Brazil has offered yet a third suggestion, which is that some women should indeed remain covered, but others, particularly Patricia Guilhoto, a graduate student in the climatology department, should feel free to take off her shirt, as long as she does it slowly.