finished_summaries/gradesaver/Gargantua and Pantagruel/section_3_part_0.txt
Gargantua and Pantagruel.book 2.chapters 17-34
book 2, chapters 17-34
{"name": "Book 2, Chapters 17-34", "url": "https://web.archive.org/web/20180420203406/http://www.gradesaver.com/gargantua-and-pantagruel/study-guide/summary-book-2-chapters-17-34", "summary": "One day, the narrator finds Panurge looking sad, and he determines that Panurge is no doubt out of money. He questions Panurge and offers to give him some money, but Panurge will only accept a small sum, provided that the narrator go with him to different churches to look at reliquaries. Even though Panurge only has a small amount of money, as far as the narrator knows, Panurge somehow manages to pay money to each of the churches. After their adventure, they rest in a tavern and the narrator discovers that Panurge has somehow acquired a large amount of money. Panurge explains that he has stolen money from each of the churches through sleight-of-hand trickery. The narrator tells him that such actions are sinful, and then Panurge explains to the narrator why his actions are just. Panurge apparently served in the Crusades and provided services to various holy men of rank. Throughout that time, Panurge was promised large sums of money that he was never paid; so, Panurge believes he is getting his just reward. Panurge continues to tell the narrator stories of how he has acquired money over the years through lies and misdirection. One of his stories depicts how he made deals with some of the least attractive women around. Supposedly, these women were sexually promiscuous in their youth, and, as a result, never found husbands. His deals with these women included giving them money so that he could sell them as brides to drunkards. To do so, however, Panurge jokes that he had to cover the women's heads with bags. Panurge then tells the narrator how he has made many small fortunes by running scams in court, especially through frivolous lawsuits. While he has made money through these scams, Panurge comments that he has also lost money, since he has to invest money into the scams to make them work. The narrator concludes that while Panurge's many schemes do make him money, the only reason he has so many scams is because Panurge spends his money as quickly as he makes it, either by spending it on drink, women, or other materialistic trifles. Meanwhile, Thaumast, a learned man from England, has come to Paris to converse with Pantagruel. He has heard of Pantagruel's amazing intellect, and he wishes to discuss some of the greatest mysteries with Pantagruel. Before he can do so, however, he must test Pantagruel's intellect. He explains that if Pantagruel is truly as intelligent as people say, than he, Thaumast will forever pledge loyalty and servitude to Pantagruel, provided Pantagruel passes the challenge. For the challenge, Thaumast and Pantagruel will debate, but they will not do so with words, and instead will only use signs via hand gestures. Pantagruel agrees to the challenge, and the two men go to their dwellings to prepare. During the night, Pantagruel fears he will not prove worthy, and begins to study his books obsessively. Panurge tells Pantagruel that he worries too much. He then begs Pantagruel to let him take his place in the debate, for he is Pantagruel's student, so his ability to debate will prove Pantagruel's supremacy. Pantagruel agrees to Panurge's logic. The following day at the debate, Pantagruel announces that his student, Panurge, will take his place in the debate, if Thaumast agrees. Thaumast does agree, and the debate begins. While Thaumast starts the debate in perhaps a semi-serious manner, Panurge moves the debate into the lowbrow arena, as he uses gestures that signify derogatory statements and lewd sexual acts. Nevertheless, Thaumast responds, and the two go back and forth with their hand gestures until finally Thaumast declares that Panurge in indeed a master debater, and that his teacher, Pantagruel, has passed the challenge. Thaumast swears that he will write up a treatise explaining all the meanings to the signs, so that everyone can understand what was discussed, but the narrator does not include this information, and instead implies that the reader should go and find Thaumast's publication. Later on, Panurge becomes infatuated with a particular lady of Paris, although her name is never given. The woman is noted as incredibly beautiful and kind, but also married. Panurge tells her that he is pained by his love for her, and that he must be with her; yet she refuses again and again. Panurge persists on hounding her and trying to convince her to have sex with him. She refuses him openly, claiming that she will call out for help if he does not stop, and even threatens to tell her husband. Panurge acts as if he has given up on her. In the meantime, he finds a female dog that is in heat, takes it home, kills it, and then harvests the scent glands from the dog. The following day, during a religious ceremony, Panurge sits near the woman he has been pursuing. He says nothing to her, but secretly sprinkles her with the female dog's scent. Shortly thereafter, every male dog in the city comes to the woman to harass her and urinate upon her. Panurge is quite proud of his trick, and tells Pantagruel to come and see how all the dogs in the city have come to harass this woman. It is unclear whether Pantagruel knows that Panurge orchestrated the entire cruel prank, since Panurge never claims responsibility within the text. On a different note, Pantagruel receives word that his father has gone to visit the land of the fairies, presumably Avalon, just as King Arthur and Ogier the Dane had done. On top of this news, Pantagruel learns that the Dipsodes have invaded Pantagruel's homeland. Pantagruel and all of his comrades leave Paris in such a hurry that Pantagruel is unable to bid farewell to anyone, including the unnamed woman he had been courting. In response to his lack of goodbyes, this unnamed woman sends him a message that includes a gold ring and a piece of paper, but no message on the paper. At first, Panurge believes there is a secret message, but after trying method after method to uncover any secret words, he determines that no such message exists. As nothing appears to be written on the piece of paper, Pantagruel and everyone else examine the ring to find an inscription in Hebrew that translates into, \"Wherefore hast thou forsaken me?\" Panurge identifies that the diamond is false, therefore the entire message is \"false lover, wherefore hast thou forsaken me?\" Pantagruel feels guilty for having left his sweetheart without having said goodbye, but Pantagruel's friends tell him there is no time, and that it is better to save his homeland than to waste more time, to which Pantagruel agrees. All of Pantagruel's companions, Panurge, Carpalin, Eusthenes, and Epistemon, each pledge absolute loyalty to Pantagruel and to the cause of saving Pantagruel's homeland. They realize that the battle will be difficult, but each of them claims to have different skills that will prove valuable in the field of battle. Upon sailing to the land, they discover that six hundred and threescore horsemen plan to attack them onshore. Pantagruel is ready to fight, but his friends tell him to stay behind in the boat to let them prove themselves to him. Pantagruel agrees, and sits back to watch his friends fight the invading armies. Through the use of traps and great cunning, Panurge, Carpalin, Eusthenes, and Epistemon lay waste to the armies, and manage to capture one of the soldiers, who they plan to interrogate to find out more about the armies of the Dipsodes. Once on land, Carpalin goes hunting and catches a large deer, and several other large and small game animals, providing enough food for all to feast over their victory. Pantagruel and Panurge interrogate the prisoner, and discover that the Dipsodes have a massive army that includes giants, although the giants are not as big as Pantagruel. The leader of the army is also a giant who is certainly a match for Pantagruel, and his name is Loupgarou. The prisoner also explains that the King of the Dipsodes, Anarchus, is also traveling with the armies. Lastly, the prisoner tells Pantagruel and Panurge about how the army has thousands of soldiers of every type, along with support workers and even 150,000 whores. Panurge, of course, makes countless crass jokes about how he will join the battle just to get to the women. His comrades also joke about how they wish to have their turn with these women. Pantagruel decides that he will release the prisoner, but he commands the prisoner to return to his own King and tell Anarchus that Pantagruel and his mighty army are coming to fight them. Pantagruel exaggerates the size of his army in hopes that the prisoner will frighten Anarchus into acting rashly. Pantagruel also tells the prisoner that his army will arrive at noon the following day. Unfortunately, Pantagruel does such a good job at frightening the prisoner that the prisoner begs Pantagruel to let him stay as their prisoner forever instead of going back to Anarchus and eventually having to fight Pantagruel's army. Pantagruel refuses to let the prisoner stay, because he needs the prisoner to go and spread the word of Pantagruel's fictitious forces who will be arriving at noon. Pantagruel needs the prisoner to do so, since it will make the enemy armies expect the fight to start at a later time, which will allow Pantagruel and his actual armies to strike at their enemies when they least expect it. Since Pantagruel's actual armies are so much smaller than King Anarchus' armies, Pantagruel must depend on cleverness and the element of surprise to win the day. In addition to sending the prisoner back to Anarchus, Pantagruel gives the prisoner a gift to give to the King, and that gift is a strange mixture of herbs. Pantagruel tells the prisoner that if his King can take a spoonful of these herbs in his mouth and still command his armies afterwards, then Pantagruel himself will forfeit his lands and rights to King Anarchus. The prisoner returns to King Anarchus and warns him of Pantagruel and his immense army. The prisoner also gives Anarchus the gift and explains what Pantagruel has stated. Anarchus takes a spoonful of the mixture, but in doing so his throat seizes up with immense heat and dryness, making him unable to speak. His counselors try to give him drink to help him, but that only makes it worse. His counselors then decide that they shall try the challenge and take a spoonful of the mixture, but all of them suffer the same way as Anarchus. After recovering from the spice challenge, Anarchus and his military leader, Loupgarou, decide to prepare the men to fight immediately the following day at noon, as the prisoner has foretold. Back at Pantagruel's camp, Pantagruel and his friends make ready to leave for battle. Before they do so, they build monuments to the battle that occurred the previous day. They also make poetry about those battles and monuments, and enjoy each other's company. At one point, Pantagruel's friends are jumping about and bragging about their oncoming victory. In doing so, Pantagruel farts, which produces such a deafening sound and unnerving smell that it creates little people, both men and women. Pantagruel's friends are astounded that Pantagruel's passing of wind can create life, and they all decide to have the little people marry one another and start their own race, which they call the pygmies. After being satisfied with the monument and the creation of a new race, Pantagruel, his companions, and their soldiers make way to the big battle. They decide to move in and attack the enemy armies during the morning hours when their enemy is still asleep or hung-over from the pre-war festivities. On the way to the battle, Panurge convinces Pantagruel that the men should drink white wine to prepare themselves to fight. Panurge also has Pantagruel eat and drink certain items that will make him have highly acidic urine. When they arrive in the enemy territory, Pantagruel's friend and footmen, Carpalin, stealthily sneaks through the enemy camp to set fires and blow up the enemy's ammunitions. Before the fires and explosions are out of control, and while the enemy still sleeps, each man sleeping with his mouth open, Pantagruel urinates his acidic urine on to the enemy, drowning many of them. The fires and the explosions burned the majority of those who survived the urine. With a large portion of the regular soldiers killed or incapacitated, King Anarchus' legion of giants come to the fray, led by Loupgarou. Instead of all-out warfare between Pantagruel's army and this army of giants, Panurge steps in and somehow negotiates a battle between Loupgarou and Pantagruel. Loupgarou agrees and commands his giants to stay put and not assist him during the battle, else they shall be severely punished. Loupgarou and Pantagruel begin to fight, but Loupgarou possesses an enchanted mace, which gives him an unfair advantage. Nevertheless, Pantagruel holds his own for quite some time. When it appears that their leader, Loupgarou, is losing the battle, the giants decide to get involved against orders. Pantagruel sees the enemy giants approaching, so he picks up Loupgarou's body and uses it as a weapon to obliterate the giants. Pantagruel wins the day, but not without casualties. His dear friend, teacher, and tutor, Epistemon, has been decapitated in battle. While Pantagruel and the others mourn over there fallen compatriot, Panurge insists that they move Epistemon's body if they wish to save him. Through use of herbs and perhaps magic, Panurge sews on Epistemon's head and brings him back to life. Besides having a somewhat hoarse voice and having the need to drink far more heavily than before, Epistemon is completely healed. Epistemon then regales everyone with his story about what he saw in the land of the dead. In a nutshell, Epistemon saw all of the famous members of royalty and heroes performing mundane, boring, every-day duties. All of the philosophers and dedicated scholars, on the other hand, were held above and praised. After Pantagruel is satisfied with his friend, Epistemon, being fully healed, he and his friends begin to celebrate. Panurge notices that King Anarchus refuses to be joyous, having just lost the battle, and so Panurge asks Pantagruel what they should do about the King. Pantagruel does not seem to care about Anarchus' fate, and therefore states that King Anarchus will be Panurge's prisoner, and that Panurge may do what he likes with him. In the city of Amaurots, which is the city that was invaded by Anarchus' armies, Pantagruel discovers that all of the refugees have gathered there, and that there is not enough room to house everyone. Therefore, Pantagruel decides that he will take over Anarchus' country, the country of the Dipsodes, and give it to all of the people and refugees of Amaurots, so that they may have a place to live and thrive. With Anarchus as his prisoner, Panurge decides to punish him in a manner inspired by Epistemon's tale of the afterlife. Therefore, Panurge turns the King into a threadbare pauper and makes him sell green sauce throughout the town. To further embarrass and demean Anarchus, Panurge marries him to an old woman who carries a lantern. According to all reports, the old woman is abusive to her new husband, and Anarchus is apparently too bewildered or befuddled to defend himself from her. The following day, Pantagruel decides that he and his armies will take over the country of the Dipsodes. As they march, they also travel with all the people of Amaurots. A great rainstorm hits, and Pantagruel must cover everyone. The narrator of the story, who finally reveals his name as Alcofribas, explains that he was the last to try and find cover under Pantagruel, and therefore could not find sufficient cover. Pantagruel tries to provide even more protection to everyone by sticking his tongue out to further shelter the people on the ground. Alcofribas decides he will climb into Pantagruel's mouth to find shelter there. Within Pantagruel's enormous mouth, however, Alcofribas discovers a thriving world. Within each different part of the mouth is a different region, and everything that Pantagruel eats or drinks feeds not only the region but also the people who live within this strange other world. Alcofribas stays inside Pantagruel's mouth exploring for some six months before he finally comes out. Pantagruel asks him where he has been, and Alcofribas tells him of his journeys. In the conversation, Alcofribas learns how long he has been traveling, and that he missed the siege of the Dipsode's country. Shortly thereafter, Pantagruel becomes incredibly ill. The doctors give him medical remedies to help him urinate out his illness. In doing so, Pantagruel's hot urine accidentally creates the hot springs all throughout France and parts of Italy. Although the treatments have made Pantagruel much better, he still suffers from stomach pains. The doctors decide they must remove whatever is ailing Pantagruel's stomach, and so they along with other craftsmen construct giant copper balls that look like medicinal capsules, in which workers will use to travel safely into Pantagruel stomach to dig out whatever ails him. With all of the metal capsules locked and attached to one another by rope, Pantagruel swallows them down into his stomach, and inside his stomach the workers find the mass of wretched filth blocking the bottom of his gut. The workers dig it all out to cure Pantagruel of his ailments. After they complete their mission, Pantagruel vomits all of them out safely, and he is well thereafter. At the end of book 2, the narrator provides a teaser of what adventures will happen in the following books. The narrator also makes a note that these stories are meant for the true Pantagruelists, who wish to \"live in peace, joy, health, making yourselves always merry,\" . If anyone should find fault with these stories otherwise, then they are not the intended audience, and therefore have no right to ruin the stories for others.", "analysis": "The absence of women and the negativity toward women is a predominant theme in the last half of the second book. There very few women in this portion of the story, and the women who do appear typically remain unnamed. For example, the woman Panurge falls madly in love with and the woman who Pantagruel supposedly courts are never identified by name or social rank. Denying these women their names makes the side stories in which they are involved seem flat and unimportant, even though these side stories are included for the specific purpose of developing the main characters. For example, the narrator presents Panurge as a man who has sex with hundreds of women, yet he falls in love with the one woman who completely rejects him. Surely, such a woman who could not be wooed by such a womanizer deserves a proper name. Similarly, Pantagruel, the main character of the story, supposedly courts some woman, yet the narrator never reveals the tale of their romance. The relationship with this woman could not have been just some tryst or fling, for that would go against Pantagruel's character. In addition, the woman is so distraught upon Pantagruel abandoning her that she sends him a letter and a ring with a secret message that he must decipher. If the relationship were trivial or short-lived, sending Pantagruel such an elaborate puzzle would seem strange. If Pantagruel tricked this woman into believing he cared for her more deeply than his true feelings, then that would reveal a side of Pantagruel the reader has never seen, which would warrant even more reason for the woman to have a name. As if letting so many female characters walk around unnamed was not problematic enough, the overall negativity toward women within the framework of the story cannot be ignored. Throughout this book as well as in the third book, women are consistently describe as unfaithful and untrustworthy. When examining the walls of the city, Panurge even makes a crass comment that the city leaders could save money if they built the walls with female sexual organs, since the women offer their parts up so quickly or for such a cheap price. The negative perspective of women's promiscuity, as presented in this book, implies that these male characters, Panurge specifically, have no faith in the opposite sex, which is why many of these characters continually demean women and identify them as practically less than human. Even when the characters come in contact with a virtuous woman, such as the woman who resists Panurge, they cannot see her for what she represents. As they have constructed such negative and misogynistic views toward women, they have simultaneously created a twisted social perspective that deprives women of their subjectivity and reconstructs them as objects for members of the patriarchy to use or abuse. When a woman challenges this paradigm, as the virtuous woman does by remaining loyal to her husband, her existence as a woman of integrity disrupts the constructed social perspective. Thus, to maintain power within a social structure that places women as subordinate objects, a member of the patriarchy, Panurge, must punish this woman in a way so public that all the other women witness the level of shame and torment. The public display also serves to discredit the virtuous woman, because it makes people question how something so horrific could happen to a good person, therefore, in a Renaissance belief structure, the public assumes that the virtuous woman must have done something wrong to receive such punishment. The negative objectification of women, perhaps overemphasized as a result of the absence of women, continues throughout the story. For example, when the captured Dipsode soldier tells Pantagruel and his companions about King Anarchus's massive army and followers, he mentions that Anarchus has also brought 150,000 whores along for the duration of the battle. Panurge instantly claims the whores for himself, as if they were nothing but toys to be used, and then the other male characters, Carpalin, Eusthenes, and Epistemon, join in on joking about who will take possession of the pretty whores, the fat whores, or the ugly whores. Pantagruel does not state which of the whores he would desire, but he laughs at the jokes the other men make, which could imply that he sees nothing questionable in his comrades' actions of objectifying and claiming these women. The men then appear to forget their promises to Pantagruel or their oaths to protect Pantagruel's homelands, and instead their entire motivation for war seems solely based on this opportunity to claim these women as the spoils of war. Even if these women were voluntary prostitutes, and even if Panurge and his friends planned on paying these women for services rendered, the fact that the women are objectified by their levels of attractiveness and further reduced to their biological function to please men sexually further demeans them and diminishes the role of women in this story. Moving away from this discussion concerning the role of women within the story, or the lack thereof, we can look at the role of each of the male characters, since the story rests on this male-dominant structure. Of all the male characters other than the main character, Panurge receives the most attention within this part of the story. Although many elements symbolize Panurge's character, Florence M. Weinberg points out how Panurge's codpiece represents perhaps the best identifying symbol. During the Renaissance, more decorative codpieces, such as Panurge's, allowed males to announce sexual virility and, to some extent, a lascivious nature. Of course, the enlarged, ornate nature of the codpiece could represent a mask, since it hides the truth of his ability. By wearing such an \"astonishing braguette,\" Panurge need not show his true self and can, instead, play the cad without fear of repercussions . He even uses his codpiece as a prop to distract onlookers from his true self. As Weinberg explains, during the battle of wits through signs with Thaumast, Panurge utilizes his groin and codpiece to make the contest as debauched as possible, therefore taking matters out of the intellectual arena, and putting the mask of Panurge's codpiece and everything it represents on center stage. Perhaps Rabelais designed Panurge in this fashion to provide a better foil for Pantagruel. After all, Weinberg argues that, \"as foil to Pantagruel,  role often caricatures his master's,\" implying that Panurge may be channeling a darker part of his master, and therefore acts out what Pantagruel cannot, due to Pantagruel's status as sovereign . Perhaps Panurge's ability to act out these darker impulses explains his friendship with Pantagruel, since Pantagruel can live vicariously through his servant. It may also explain why Rabelais chose not to disclose Pantagruel's relationship with his lover, since his darker impulses must be hidden behind the foil mask of Panurge. To maintain Pantagruel's reputation, it makes sense why Rabelais might choose to hide Pantagruel's affairs and instead offer his readers the elaborate side story that describes Panurge's pursuits of the virtuous woman."}
How Panurge gained the pardons, and married the old women, and of the suit
in law which he had at Paris.

One day I found Panurge very much out of countenance, melancholic, and
silent; which made me suspect that he had no money; whereupon I said unto
him, Panurge, you are sick, as I do very well perceive by your physiognomy,
and I know the disease.  You have a flux in your purse; but take no care.
I have yet sevenpence halfpenny that never saw father nor mother, which
shall not be wanting, no more than the pox, in your necessity.  Whereunto
he answered me, Well, well; for money one day I shall have but too much,
for I have a philosopher's stone which attracts money out of men's purses
as the adamant doth iron.  But will you go with me to gain the pardons?
said he.  By my faith, said I, I am no great pardon-taker in this world--if
I shall be any such in the other, I cannot tell; yet let us go, in God's
name; it is but one farthing more or less; But, said he, lend me then a
farthing upon interest.  No, no, said I; I will give it you freely, and
from my heart.  Grates vobis dominos, said he.

So we went along, beginning at St. Gervase, and I got the pardons at the
first box only, for in those matters very little contenteth me.  Then did I
say my small suffrages and the prayers of St. Brigid; but he gained them
all at the boxes, and always gave money to everyone of the pardoners.  From
thence we went to Our Lady's Church, to St. John's, to St. Anthony's, and
so to the other churches, where there was a banquet (bank) of pardons.  For
my part, I gained no more of them, but he at all the boxes kissed the
relics, and gave at everyone.  To be brief, when we were returned, he
brought me to drink at the castle-tavern, and there showed me ten or twelve
of his little bags full of money, at which I blessed myself, and made the
sign of the cross, saying, Where have you recovered so much money in so
little time?  Unto which he answered me that he had taken it out of the
basins of the pardons.  For in giving them the first farthing, said he, I
put it in with such sleight of hand and so dexterously that it appeared to
be a threepence; thus with one hand I took threepence, ninepence, or
sixpence at the least, and with the other as much, and so through all the
churches where we have been.  Yea but, said I, you damn yourself like a
snake, and are withal a thief and sacrilegious person.  True, said he, in
your opinion, but I am not of that mind; for the pardoners do give me it,
when they say unto me in presenting the relics to kiss, Centuplum accipies,
that is, that for one penny I should take a hundred; for accipies is spoken
according to the manner of the Hebrews, who use the future tense instead of
the imperative, as you have in the law, Diliges Dominum, that is, Dilige.
Even so, when the pardon-bearer says to me, Centuplum accipies, his meaning
is, Centuplum accipe; and so doth Rabbi Kimy and Rabbi Aben Ezra expound
it, and all the Massorets, et ibi Bartholus.  Moreover, Pope Sixtus gave me
fifteen hundred francs of yearly pension, which in English money is a
hundred and fifty pounds, upon his ecclesiastical revenues and treasure,
for having cured him of a cankerous botch, which did so torment him that he
thought to have been a cripple by it all his life.  Thus I do pay myself at
my own hand, for otherwise I get nothing upon the said ecclesiastical
treasure.  Ho, my friend! said he, if thou didst know what advantage I
made, and how well I feathered my nest, by the Pope's bull of the crusade,
thou wouldst wonder exceedingly.  It was worth to me above six thousand
florins, in English coin six hundred pounds.  And what a devil is become of
them? said I; for of that money thou hast not one halfpenny.  They returned
from whence they came, said he; they did no more but change their master.

But I employed at least three thousand of them, that is, three hundred
pounds English, in marrying--not young virgins, for they find but too many
husbands--but great old sempiternous trots which had not so much as one
tooth in their heads; and that out of the consideration I had that these
good old women had very well spent the time of their youth in playing at
the close-buttock game to all comers, serving the foremost first, till no
man would have any more dealing with them.  And, by G--, I will have their
skin-coat shaken once yet before they die.  By this means, to one I gave a
hundred florins, to another six score, to another three hundred, according
to that they were infamous, detestable, and abominable.  For, by how much
the more horrible and execrable they were, so much the more must I needs
have given them, otherwise the devil would not have jummed them.  Presently
I went to some great and fat wood-porter, or such like, and did myself make
the match.  But, before I did show him the old hags, I made a fair muster
to him of the crowns, saying, Good fellow, see what I will give thee if
thou wilt but condescend to duffle, dinfredaille, or lecher it one good
time.  Then began the poor rogues to gape like old mules, and I caused to
be provided for them a banquet, with drink of the best, and store of
spiceries, to put the old women in rut and heat of lust.  To be short, they
occupied all, like good souls; only, to those that were horribly ugly and
ill-favoured, I caused their head to be put within a bag, to hide their
face.

Besides all this, I have lost a great deal in suits of law.  And what
lawsuits couldst thou have? said I; thou hast neither house nor lands.  My
friend, said he, the gentlewomen of this city had found out, by the
instigation of the devil of hell, a manner of high-mounted bands and
neckerchiefs for women, which did so closely cover their bosoms that men
could no more put their hands under.  For they had put the slit behind, and
those neckcloths were wholly shut before, whereat the poor sad
contemplative lovers were much discontented.  Upon a fair Tuesday I
presented a petition to the court, making myself a party against the said
gentlewomen, and showing the great interest that I pretended therein,
protesting that by the same reason I would cause the codpiece of my
breeches to be sewed behind, if the court would not take order for it.  In
sum, the gentlewomen put in their defences, showing the grounds they went
upon, and constituted their attorney for the prosecuting of the cause.  But
I pursued them so vigorously, that by a sentence of the court it was
decreed those high neckcloths should be no longer worn if they were not a
little cleft and open before; but it cost me a good sum of money.  I had
another very filthy and beastly process against the dung-farmer called
Master Fifi and his deputies, that they should no more read privily the
pipe, puncheon, nor quart of sentences, but in fair full day, and that in
the Fodder schools, in face of the Arrian (Artitian) sophisters, where I
was ordained to pay the charges, by reason of some clause mistaken in the
relation of the sergeant.  Another time I framed a complaint to the court
against the mules of the presidents, counsellors, and others, tending to
this purpose, that, when in the lower court of the palace they left them to
champ on their bridles, some bibs were made for them (by the counsellors'
wives), that with their drivelling they might not spoil the pavement; to
the end that the pages of the palace what play upon it with their dice, or
at the game of coxbody, at their own ease, without spoiling their breeches
at the knees.  And for this I had a fair decree, but it cost me dear.  Now
reckon up what expense I was at in little banquets which from day to day I
made to the pages of the palace.  And to what end? said I.  My friend, said
he, thou hast no pastime at all in this world.  I have more than the king,
and if thou wilt join thyself with me, we will do the devil together.  No,
no, said I; by St. Adauras, that will I not, for thou wilt be hanged one
time or another.  And thou, said he, wilt be interred some time or other.
Now which is most honourable, the air or the earth?  Ho, grosse pecore!

Whilst the pages are at their banqueting, I keep their mules, and to
someone I cut the stirrup-leather of the mounting side till it hang but by
a thin strap or thread, that when the great puffguts of the counsellor or
some other hath taken his swing to get up, he may fall flat on his side
like a pork, and so furnish the spectators with more than a hundred francs'
worth of laughter.  But I laugh yet further to think how at his home-coming
the master-page is to be whipped like green rye, which makes me not to
repent what I have bestowed in feasting them.  In brief, he had, as I said
before, three score and three ways to acquire money, but he had two hundred
and fourteen to spend it, besides his drinking.




How a great scholar of England would have argued against Pantagruel, and
was overcome by Panurge.

In that same time a certain learned man named Thaumast, hearing the fame
and renown of Pantagruel's incomparable knowledge, came out of his own
country of England with an intent only to see him, to try thereby and prove
whether his knowledge in effect was so great as it was reported to be.  In
this resolution being arrived at Paris, he went forthwith unto the house of
the said Pantagruel, who was lodged in the palace of St. Denis, and was
then walking in the garden thereof with Panurge, philosophizing after the
fashion of the Peripatetics.  At his first entrance he startled, and was
almost out of his wits for fear, seeing him so great and so tall.  Then did
he salute him courteously as the manner is, and said unto him, Very true it
is, saith Plato the prince of philosophers, that if the image and knowledge
of wisdom were corporeal and visible to the eyes of mortals, it would stir
up all the world to admire her.  Which we may the rather believe that the
very bare report thereof, scattered in the air, if it happen to be received
into the ears of men, who, for being studious and lovers of virtuous things
are called philosophers, doth not suffer them to sleep nor rest in quiet,
but so pricketh them up and sets them on fire to run unto the place where
the person is, in whom the said knowledge is said to have built her temple
and uttered her oracles.  As it was manifestly shown unto us in the Queen
of Sheba, who came from the utmost borders of the East and Persian Sea, to
see the order of Solomon's house and to hear his wisdom; in Anacharsis, who
came out of Scythia, even unto Athens, to see Solon; in Pythagoras, who
travelled far to visit the memphitical vaticinators; in Plato, who went a
great way off to see the magicians of Egypt, and Architus of Tarentum; in
Apollonius Tyaneus, who went as far as unto Mount Caucasus, passed along
the Scythians, the Massagetes, the Indians, and sailed over the great river
Phison, even to the Brachmans to see Hiarchus; as likewise unto Babylon,
Chaldea, Media, Assyria, Parthia, Syria, Phoenicia, Arabia, Palestina, and
Alexandria, even unto Aethiopia, to see the Gymnosophists.  The like
example have we of Titus Livius, whom to see and hear divers studious
persons came to Rome from the confines of France and Spain.  I dare not
reckon myself in the number of those so excellent persons, but well would
be called studious, and a lover, not only of learning, but of learned men
also.  And indeed, having heard the report of your so inestimable
knowledge, I have left my country, my friends, my kindred, and my house,
and am come thus far, valuing at nothing the length of the way, the
tediousness of the sea, nor strangeness of the land, and that only to see
you and to confer with you about some passages in philosophy, of geomancy,
and of the cabalistic art, whereof I am doubtful and cannot satisfy my
mind; which if you can resolve, I yield myself unto you for a slave
henceforward, together with all my posterity, for other gift have I none
that I can esteem a recompense sufficient for so great a favour.  I will
reduce them into writing, and to-morrow publish them to all the learned men
in the city, that we may dispute publicly before them.

But see in what manner I mean that we shall dispute.  I will not argue pro
et contra, as do the sottish sophisters of this town and other places.
Likewise I will not dispute after the manner of the Academics by
declamation; nor yet by numbers, as Pythagoras was wont to do, and as Picus
de la Mirandula did of late at Rome.  But I will dispute by signs only
without speaking, for the matters are so abstruse, hard, and arduous, that
words proceeding from the mouth of man will never be sufficient for
unfolding of them to my liking.  May it, therefore, please your
magnificence to be there; it shall be at the great hall of Navarre at seven
o'clock in the morning.  When he had spoken these words, Pantagruel very
honourably said unto him:  Sir, of the graces that God hath bestowed upon
me, I would not deny to communicate unto any man to my power.  For whatever
comes from him is good, and his pleasure is that it should be increased
when we come amongst men worthy and fit to receive this celestial manna of
honest literature.  In which number, because that in this time, as I do
already very plainly perceive, thou holdest the first rank, I give thee
notice that at all hours thou shalt find me ready to condescend to every
one of thy requests according to my poor ability; although I ought rather
to learn of thee than thou of me.  But, as thou hast protested, we will
confer of these doubts together, and will seek out the resolution, even
unto the bottom of that undrainable well where Heraclitus says the truth
lies hidden.  And I do highly commend the manner of arguing which thou hast
proposed, to wit, by signs without speaking; for by this means thou and I
shall understand one another well enough, and yet shall be free from this
clapping of hands which these blockish sophisters make when any of the
arguers hath gotten the better of the argument.  Now to-morrow I will not
fail to meet thee at the place and hour that thou hast appointed, but let
me entreat thee that there be not any strife or uproar between us, and that
we seek not the honour and applause of men, but the truth only.  To which
Thaumast answered:  The Lord God maintain you in his favour and grace, and,
instead of my thankfulness to you, pour down his blessings upon you, for
that your highness and magnificent greatness hath not disdained to descend
to the grant of the request of my poor baseness.  So farewell till
to-morrow!  Farewell, said Pantagruel.

Gentlemen, you that read this present discourse, think not that ever men
were more elevated and transported in their thoughts than all this night
were both Thaumast and Pantagruel; for the said Thaumast said to the keeper
of the house of Cluny, where he was lodged, that in all his life he had
never known himself so dry as he was that night.  I think, said he, that
Pantagruel held me by the throat.  Give order, I pray you, that we may have
some drink, and see that some fresh water be brought to us, to gargle my
palate.  On the other side, Pantagruel stretched his wits as high as he
could, entering into very deep and serious meditations, and did nothing all
that night but dote upon and turn over the book of Beda, De numeris et
signis; Plotin's book, De inenarrabilibus; the book of Proclus, De magia;
the book of Artemidorus peri Oneirokritikon; of Anaxagoras, peri Zemeion;
Dinarius, peri Aphaton; the books of Philiston; Hipponax, peri
Anekphoneton, and a rabble of others, so long, that Panurge said unto him:

My lord, leave all these thoughts and go to bed; for I perceive your
spirits to be so troubled by a too intensive bending of them, that you may
easily fall into some quotidian fever with this so excessive thinking and
plodding.  But, having first drunk five and twenty or thirty good draughts,
retire yourself and sleep your fill, for in the morning I will argue
against and answer my master the Englishman, and if I drive him not ad
metam non loqui, then call me knave.  Yea but, said he, my friend Panurge,
he is marvellously learned; how wilt thou be able to answer him?  Very
well, answered Panurge; I pray you talk no more of it, but let me alone.
Is any man so learned as the devils are?  No, indeed, said Pantagruel,
without God's especial grace.  Yet for all that, said Panurge, I have
argued against them, gravelled and blanked them in disputation, and laid
them so squat upon their tails that I have made them look like monkeys.
Therefore be assured that to-morrow I will make this vain-glorious
Englishman to skite vinegar before all the world.  So Panurge spent the
night with tippling amongst the pages, and played away all the points of
his breeches at primus secundus and at peck point, in French called La
Vergette.  Yet, when the condescended on time was come, he failed not to
conduct his master Pantagruel to the appointed place, unto which, believe
me, there was neither great nor small in Paris but came, thinking with
themselves that this devilish Pantagruel, who had overthrown and vanquished
in dispute all these doting fresh-water sophisters, would now get full
payment and be tickled to some purpose.  For this Englishman is a terrible
bustler and horrible coil-keeper.  We will see who will be conqueror, for
he never met with his match before.

Thus all being assembled, Thaumast stayed for them, and then, when
Pantagruel and Panurge came into the hall, all the schoolboys, professors
of arts, senior sophisters, and bachelors began to clap their hands, as
their scurvy custom is.  But Pantagruel cried out with a loud voice, as if
it had been the sound of a double cannon, saying, Peace, with a devil to
you, peace!  By G--, you rogues, if you trouble me here, I will cut off the
heads of everyone of you.  At which words they remained all daunted and
astonished like so many ducks, and durst not do so much as cough, although
they had swallowed fifteen pounds of feathers.  Withal they grew so dry
with this only voice, that they laid out their tongues a full half foot
beyond their mouths, as if Pantagruel had salted all their throats.  Then
began Panurge to speak, saying to the Englishman, Sir, are you come hither
to dispute contentiously in those propositions you have set down, or,
otherwise, but to learn and know the truth?  To which answered Thaumast,
Sir, no other thing brought me hither but the great desire I had to learn
and to know that of which I have doubted all my life long, and have neither
found book nor man able to content me in the resolution of those doubts
which I have proposed.  And, as for disputing contentiously, I will not do
it, for it is too base a thing, and therefore leave it to those sottish
sophisters who in their disputes do not search for the truth, but for
contradiction only and debate.  Then said Panurge, If I, who am but a mean
and inconsiderable disciple of my master my lord Pantagruel, content and
satisfy you in all and everything, it were a thing below my said master
wherewith to trouble him.  Therefore is it fitter that he be chairman, and
sit as a judge and moderator of our discourse and purpose, and give you
satisfaction in many things wherein perhaps I shall be wanting to your
expectation.  Truly, said Thaumast, it is very well said; begin then.  Now
you must note that Panurge had set at the end of his long codpiece a pretty
tuft of red silk, as also of white, green, and blue, and within it had put
a fair orange.




How Panurge put to a nonplus the Englishman that argued by signs.

Everybody then taking heed, and hearkening with great silence, the
Englishman lift up on high into the air his two hands severally, clunching
in all the tops of his fingers together, after the manner which, a la
Chinonnese, they call the hen's arse, and struck the one hand on the other
by the nails four several times.  Then he, opening them, struck the one
with the flat of the other till it yielded a clashing noise, and that only
once.  Again, in joining them as before, he struck twice, and afterwards
four times in opening them.  Then did he lay them joined, and extended the
one towards the other, as if he had been devoutly to send up his prayers
unto God.  Panurge suddenly lifted up in the air his right hand, and put
the thumb thereof into the nostril of the same side, holding his four
fingers straight out, and closed orderly in a parallel line to the point of
his nose, shutting the left eye wholly, and making the other wink with a
profound depression of the eyebrows and eyelids.  Then lifted he up his
left hand, with hard wringing and stretching forth his four fingers and
elevating his thumb, which he held in a line directly correspondent to the
situation of his right hand, with the distance of a cubit and a half
between them.  This done, in the same form he abased towards the ground
about the one and the other hand.  Lastly, he held them in the midst, as
aiming right at the Englishman's nose.  And if Mercury,--said the
Englishman.  There Panurge interrupted him, and said, You have spoken,
Mask.

Then made the Englishman this sign.  His left hand all open he lifted up
into the air, then instantly shut into his fist the four fingers thereof,
and his thumb extended at length he placed upon the gristle of his nose.
Presently after, he lifted up his right hand all open, and all open abased
and bent it downwards, putting the thumb thereof in the very place where
the little finger of the left hand did close in the fist, and the four
right-hand fingers he softly moved in the air.  Then contrarily he did with
the right hand what he had done with the left, and with the left what he
had done with the right.

Panurge, being not a whit amazed at this, drew out into the air his
trismegist codpiece with the left hand, and with his right drew forth a
truncheon of a white ox-rib, and two pieces of wood of a like form, one of
black ebony and the other of incarnation brasil, and put them betwixt the
fingers of that hand in good symmetry; then, knocking them together, made
such a noise as the lepers of Brittany use to do with their clappering
clickets, yet better resounding and far more harmonious, and with his
tongue contracted in his mouth did very merrily warble it, always looking
fixedly upon the Englishman.  The divines, physicians, and chirurgeons that
were there thought that by this sign he would have inferred that the
Englishman was a leper.  The counsellors, lawyers, and decretalists
conceived that by doing this he would have concluded some kind of mortal
felicity to consist in leprosy, as the Lord maintained heretofore.

The Englishman for all this was nothing daunted, but holding up his two
hands in the air, kept them in such form that he closed the three
master-fingers in his fist, and passing his thumbs through his indical or
foremost and middle fingers, his auriculary or little fingers remained
extended and stretched out, and so presented he them to Panurge.  Then
joined he them so that the right thumb touched the left, and the left little
finger touched the right.  Hereat Panurge, without speaking one word, lift
up his hands and made this sign.

He put the nail of the forefinger of his left hand to the nail of the thumb
of the same, making in the middle of the distance as it were a buckle, and
of his right hand shut up all the fingers into his fist, except the
forefinger, which he often thrust in and out through the said two others of
the left hand.  Then stretched he out the forefinger and middle finger or
medical of his right hand, holding them asunder as much as he could, and
thrusting them towards Thaumast.  Then did he put the thumb of his left
hand upon the corner of his left eye, stretching out all his hand like the
wing of a bird or the fin of a fish, and moving it very daintily this way
and that way, he did as much with his right hand upon the corner of his
right eye.  Thaumast began then to wax somewhat pale, and to tremble, and
made him this sign.

With the middle finger of his right hand he struck against the muscle of
the palm or pulp which is under the thumb.  Then put he the forefinger of
the right hand in the like buckle of the left, but he put it under, and not
over, as Panurge did.  Then Panurge knocked one hand against another, and
blowed in his palm, and put again the forefinger of his right hand into the
overture or mouth of the left, pulling it often in and out.  Then held he
out his chin, most intentively looking upon Thaumast.  The people there,
which understood nothing in the other signs, knew very well that therein he
demanded, without speaking a word to Thaumast, What do you mean by that?
In effect, Thaumast then began to sweat great drops, and seemed to all the
spectators a man strangely ravished in high contemplation.  Then he
bethought himself, and put all the nails of his left hand against those of
his right, opening his fingers as if they had been semicircles, and with
this sign lift up his hands as high as he could.  Whereupon Panurge
presently put the thumb of his right hand under his jaws, and the little
finger thereof in the mouth of the left hand, and in this posture made his
teeth to sound very melodiously, the upper against the lower.  With this
Thaumast, with great toil and vexation of spirit, rose up, but in rising
let a great baker's fart, for the bran came after, and pissing withal very
strong vinegar, stunk like all the devils in hell.  The company began to
stop their noses; for he had conskited himself with mere anguish and
perplexity.  Then lifted he up his right hand, clunching it in such sort
that he brought the ends of all his fingers to meet together, and his left
hand he laid flat upon his breast.  Whereat Panurge drew out his long
codpiece with his tuff, and stretched it forth a cubit and a half, holding
it in the air with his right hand, and with his left took out his orange,
and, casting it up into the air seven times, at the eighth he hid it in the
fist of his right hand, holding it steadily up on high, and then began to
shake his fair codpiece, showing it to Thaumast.

After that, Thaumast began to puff up his two cheeks like a player on a
bagpipe, and blew as if he had been to puff up a pig's bladder.  Whereupon
Panurge put one finger of his left hand in his nockandrow, by some called
St. Patrick's hole, and with his mouth sucked in the air, in such a manner
as when one eats oysters in the shell, or when we sup up our broth.  This
done, he opened his mouth somewhat, and struck his right hand flat upon it,
making therewith a great and a deep sound, as if it came from the
superficies of the midriff through the trachiartery or pipe of the lungs,
and this he did for sixteen times; but Thaumast did always keep blowing
like a goose.  Then Panurge put the forefinger of his right hand into his
mouth, pressing it very hard to the muscles thereof; then he drew it out,
and withal made a great noise, as when little boys shoot pellets out of the
pot-cannons made of the hollow sticks of the branch of an alder-tree, and
he did it nine times.

Then Thaumast cried out, Ha, my masters, a great secret!  With this he put
in his hand up to the elbow, then drew out a dagger that he had, holding it
by the point downwards.  Whereat Panurge took his long codpiece, and shook
it as hard as he could against his thighs; then put his two hands entwined
in manner of a comb upon his head, laying out his tongue as far as he was
able, and turning his eyes in his head like a goat that is ready to die.
Ha, I understand, said Thaumast, but what? making such a sign that he put
the haft of his dagger against his breast, and upon the point thereof the
flat of his hand, turning in a little the ends of his fingers.  Whereat
Panurge held down his head on the left side, and put his middle finger into
his right ear, holding up his thumb bolt upright.  Then he crossed his two
arms upon his breast and coughed five times, and at the fifth time he
struck his right foot against the ground.  Then he lift up his left arm,
and closing all his fingers into his fist, held his thumb against his
forehead, striking with his right hand six times against his breast.  But
Thaumast, as not content therewith, put the thumb of his left hand upon the
top of his nose, shutting the rest of his said hand, whereupon Panurge set
his two master-fingers upon each side of his mouth, drawing it as much as
he was able, and widening it so that he showed all his teeth, and with his
two thumbs plucked down his two eyelids very low, making therewith a very
ill-favoured countenance, as it seemed to the company.




How Thaumast relateth the virtues and knowledge of Panurge.

Then Panurge rose up, and, putting off his cap, did very kindly thank the
said Panurge, and with a loud voice said unto all the people that were
there:  My lords, gentlemen, and others, at this time may I to some good
purpose speak that evangelical word, Et ecce plus quam Salomon hic!  You
have here in your presence an incomparable treasure, that is, my lord
Pantagruel, whose great renown hath brought me hither, out of the very
heart of England, to confer with him about the insoluble problems, both in
magic, alchemy, the cabal, geomancy, astrology, and philosophy, which I had
in my mind.  But at present I am angry even with fame itself, which I think
was envious to him, for that it did not declare the thousandth part of the
worth that indeed is in him.  You have seen how his disciple only hath
satisfied me, and hath told me more than I asked of him.  Besides, he hath
opened unto me, and resolved other inestimable doubts, wherein I can assure
you he hath to me discovered the very true well, fountain, and abyss of the
encyclopaedia of learning; yea, in such a sort that I did not think I
should ever have found a man that could have made his skill appear in so
much as the first elements of that concerning which we disputed by signs,
without speaking either word or half word.  But, in fine, I will reduce
into writing that which we have said and concluded, that the world may not
take them to be fooleries, and will thereafter cause them to be printed,
that everyone may learn as I have done.  Judge, then, what the master had
been able to say, seeing the disciple hath done so valiantly; for, Non est
discipulus super magistrum.  Howsoever, God be praised! and I do very
humbly thank you for the honour that you have done us at this act.  God
reward you for it eternally!  The like thanks gave Pantagruel to all the
company, and, going from thence, he carried Thaumast to dinner with him,
and believe that they drank as much as their skins could hold, or, as the
phrase is, with unbuttoned bellies (for in that age they made fast their
bellies with buttons, as we do now the collars of our doublets or jerkins),
even till they neither knew where they were nor whence they came.  Blessed
Lady, how they did carouse it, and pluck, as we say, at the kid's leather!
And flagons to trot, and they to toot, Draw; give, page, some wine here;
reach hither; fill with a devil, so!  There was not one but did drink five
and twenty or thirty pipes.  Can you tell how?  Even sicut terra sine aqua;
for the weather was hot, and, besides that, they were very dry.  In matter
of the exposition of the propositions set down by Thaumast, and the
signification of the signs which they used in their disputation, I would
have set them down for you according to their own relation, but I have been
told that Thaumast made a great book of it, imprinted at London, wherein he
hath set down all, without omitting anything, and therefore at this time I
do pass by it.




How Panurge was in love with a lady of Paris.

Panurge began to be in great reputation in the city of Paris by means of
this disputation wherein he prevailed against the Englishman, and from
thenceforth made his codpiece to be very useful to him.  To which effect he
had it pinked with pretty little embroideries after the Romanesca fashion.
And the world did praise him publicly, in so far that there was a song made
of him, which little children did use to sing when they were to fetch
mustard.  He was withal made welcome in all companies of ladies and
gentlewomen, so that at last he became presumptuous, and went about to
bring to his lure one of the greatest ladies in the city.  And, indeed,
leaving a rabble of long prologues and protestations, which ordinarily
these dolent contemplative lent-lovers make who never meddle with the
flesh, one day he said unto her, Madam, it would be a very great benefit to
the commonwealth, delightful to you, honourable to your progeny, and
necessary for me, that I cover you for the propagating of my race, and
believe it, for experience will teach it you.  The lady at this word thrust
him back above a hundred leagues, saying, You mischievous fool, is it for
you to talk thus unto me?  Whom do you think you have in hand?  Begone,
never to come in my sight again; for, if one thing were not, I would have
your legs and arms cut off.  Well, said he, that were all one to me, to
want both legs and arms, provided you and I had but one merry bout together
at the brangle-buttock game; for herewithin is--in showing her his long
codpiece--Master John Thursday, who will play you such an antic that you
shall feel the sweetness thereof even to the very marrow of your bones.  He
is a gallant, and doth so well know how to find out all the corners,
creeks, and ingrained inmates in your carnal trap, that after him there
needs no broom, he'll sweep so well before, and leave nothing to his
followers to work upon.  Whereunto the lady answered, Go, villain, go.  If
you speak to me one such word more, I will cry out and make you to be
knocked down with blows.  Ha, said he, you are not so bad as you say--no,
or else I am deceived in your physiognomy.  For sooner shall the earth
mount up unto the heavens, and the highest heavens descend unto the hells,
and all the course of nature be quite perverted, than that in so great
beauty and neatness as in you is there should be one drop of gall or
malice.  They say, indeed, that hardly shall a man ever see a fair woman
that is not also stubborn.  Yet that is spoke only of those vulgar
beauties; but yours is so excellent, so singular, and so heavenly, that I
believe nature hath given it you as a paragon and masterpiece of her art,
to make us know what she can do when she will employ all her skill and all
her power.  There is nothing in you but honey, but sugar, but a sweet and
celestial manna.  To you it was to whom Paris ought to have adjudged the
golden apple, not to Venus, no, nor to Juno, nor to Minerva, for never was
there so much magnificence in Juno, so much wisdom in Minerva, nor so much
comeliness in Venus as there is in you.  O heavenly gods and goddesses!
How happy shall that man be to whom you will grant the favour to embrace
her, to kiss her, and to rub his bacon with hers!  By G--, that shall be I,
I know it well; for she loves me already her bellyful, I am sure of it, and
so was I predestinated to it by the fairies.  And therefore, that we lose
no time, put on, thrust out your gammons!--and would have embraced her, but
she made as if she would put out her head at the window to call her
neighbours for help.  Then Panurge on a sudden ran out, and in his running
away said, Madam, stay here till I come again; I will go call them myself;
do not you take so much pains.  Thus went he away, not much caring for the
repulse he had got, nor made he any whit the worse cheer for it.  The next
day he came to the church at the time she went to mass.  At the door he
gave her some of the holy water, bowing himself very low before her.
Afterwards he kneeled down by her very familiarly and said unto her, Madam,
know that I am so amorous of you that I can neither piss nor dung for love.
I do not know, lady, what you mean, but if I should take any hurt by it,
how much you would be to blame!  Go, said she, go!  I do not care; let me
alone to say my prayers.  Ay but, said he, equivocate upon this:  a beau
mont le viconte, or, to fair mount the prick-cunts.  I cannot, said she.
It is, said he, a beau con le vit monte, or to a fair c. . .the pr. .
.mounts.  And upon this, pray to God to give you that which your noble
heart desireth, and I pray you give me these paternosters.  Take them, said
she, and trouble me no longer.  This done, she would have taken off her
paternosters, which were made of a kind of yellow stone called cestrin, and
adorned with great spots of gold, but Panurge nimbly drew out one of his
knives, wherewith he cut them off very handsomely, and whilst he was going
away to carry them to the brokers, he said to her, Will you have my knife?
No, no, said she.  But, said he, to the purpose.  I am at your commandment,
body and goods, tripes and bowels.

In the meantime the lady was not very well content with the want of her
paternosters, for they were one of her implements to keep her countenance
by in the church; then thought with herself, This bold flouting roister is
some giddy, fantastical, light-headed fool of a strange country.  I shall
never recover my paternosters again.  What will my husband say?  He will no
doubt be angry with me.  But I will tell him that a thief hath cut them off
from my hands in the church, which he will easily believe, seeing the end
of the ribbon left at my girdle.  After dinner Panurge went to see her,
carrying in his sleeve a great purse full of palace-crowns, called
counters, and began to say unto her, Which of us two loveth other best, you
me, or I you?  Whereunto she answered, As for me, I do not hate you; for,
as God commands, I love all the world.  But to the purpose, said he; are
not you in love with me?  I have, said she, told you so many times already
that you should talk so no more to me, and if you speak of it again I will
teach you that I am not one to be talked unto dishonestly.  Get you hence
packing, and deliver me my paternosters, that my husband may not ask me for
them.

How now, madam, said he, your paternosters?  Nay, by mine oath, I will not
do so, but I will give you others.  Had you rather have them of gold well
enamelled in great round knobs, or after the manner of love-knots, or,
otherwise, all massive, like great ingots, or if you had rather have them
of ebony, of jacinth, or of grained gold, with the marks of fine
turquoises, or of fair topazes, marked with fine sapphires, or of baleu
rubies, with great marks of diamonds of eight and twenty squares?  No, no,
all this is too little.  I know a fair bracelet of fine emeralds, marked
with spotted ambergris, and at the buckle a Persian pearl as big as an
orange.  It will not cost above five and twenty thousand ducats.  I will
make you a present of it, for I have ready coin enough,--and withal he made
a noise with his counters, as if they had been French crowns.

Will you have a piece of velvet, either of the violet colour or of crimson
dyed in grain, or a piece of broached or crimson satin?  Will you have
chains, gold, tablets, rings?  You need no more but say, Yes; so far as
fifty thousand ducats may reach, it is but as nothing to me.  By the virtue
of which words he made the water come in her mouth; but she said unto him,
No, I thank you, I will have nothing of you.  By G--, said he, but I will
have somewhat of you; yet shall it be that which shall cost you nothing,
neither shall you have a jot the less when you have given it.  Hold!
--showing his long codpiece--this is Master John Goodfellow, that asks for
lodging!--and with that would have embraced her; but she began to cry out,
yet not very loud.  Then Panurge put off his counterfeit garb, changed his
false visage, and said unto her, You will not then otherwise let me do a
little?  A turd for you!  You do not deserve so much good, nor so much
honour; but, by G--, I will make the dogs ride you;--and with this he ran
away as fast as he could, for fear of blows, whereof he was naturally
fearful.




How Panurge served a Parisian lady a trick that pleased her not very well.

Now you must note that the next day was the great festival of Corpus
Christi, called the Sacre, wherein all women put on their best apparel, and
on that day the said lady was clothed in a rich gown of crimson satin,
under which she wore a very costly white velvet petticoat.

The day of the eve, called the vigil, Panurge searched so long of one side
and another that he found a hot or salt bitch, which, when he had tied her
with his girdle, he led to his chamber and fed her very well all that day
and night.  In the morning thereafter he killed her, and took that part of
her which the Greek geomancers know, and cut it into several small pieces
as small as he could.  Then, carrying it away as close as might be, he went
to the place where the lady was to come along to follow the procession, as
the custom is upon the said holy day; and when she came in Panurge
sprinkled some holy water on her, saluting her very courteously.  Then, a
little while after she had said her petty devotions, he sat down close by
her upon the same bench, and gave her this roundelay in writing, in manner
as followeth.

  A Roundelay.

  For this one time, that I to you my love
  Discovered, you did too cruel prove,
  To send me packing, hopeless, and so soon,
  Who never any wrong to you had done,
  In any kind of action, word, or thought:
  So that, if my suit liked you not, you ought
  T' have spoke more civilly, and to this sense,
  My friend, be pleased to depart from hence,
    For this one time.

  What hurt do I, to wish you to remark,
  With favour and compassion, how a spark
  Of your great beauty hath inflamed my heart
  With deep affection, and that, for my part,
  I only ask that you with me would dance
  The brangle gay in feats of dalliance,
    For this one time?

And, as she was opening this paper to see what it was, Panurge very
promptly and lightly scattered the drug that he had upon her in divers
places, but especially in the plaits of her sleeves and of her gown.  Then
said he unto her, Madam, the poor lovers are not always at ease.  As for
me, I hope that those heavy nights, those pains and troubles, which I
suffer for love of you, shall be a deduction to me of so much pain in
purgatory; yet, at the least, pray to God to give me patience in my misery.
Panurge had no sooner spoke this but all the dogs that were in the church
came running to this lady with the smell of the drugs that he had strewed
upon her, both small and great, big and little, all came, laying out their
member, smelling to her, and pissing everywhere upon her--it was the
greatest villainy in the world.  Panurge made the fashion of driving them
away; then took his leave of her and withdrew himself into some chapel or
oratory of the said church to see the sport; for these villainous dogs did
compiss all her habiliments, and left none of her attire unbesprinkled with
their staling; insomuch that a tall greyhound pissed upon her head, others
in her sleeves, others on her crupper-piece, and the little ones pissed
upon her pataines; so that all the women that were round about her had much
ado to save her.  Whereat Panurge very heartily laughing, he said to one of
the lords of the city, I believe that same lady is hot, or else that some
greyhound hath covered her lately.  And when he saw that all the dogs were
flocking about her, yarring at the retardment of their access to her, and
every way keeping such a coil with her as they are wont to do about a proud
or salt bitch, he forthwith departed from thence, and went to call
Pantagruel, not forgetting in his way alongst the streets through which he
went, where he found any dogs to give them a bang with his foot, saying,
Will you not go with your fellows to the wedding?  Away, hence, avant,
avant, with a devil avant!  And being come home, he said to Pantagruel,
Master, I pray you come and see all the dogs of the country, how they are
assembled about a lady, the fairest in the city, and would duffle and line
her.  Whereunto Pantagruel willingly condescended, and saw the mystery,
which he found very pretty and strange.  But the best was at the
procession, in which were seen above six hundred thousand and fourteen dogs
about her, which did very much trouble and molest her, and whithersoever
she passed, those dogs that came afresh, tracing her footsteps, followed
her at the heels, and pissed in the way where her gown had touched.  All
the world stood gazing at this spectacle, considering the countenance of
those dogs, who, leaping up, got about her neck and spoiled all her
gorgeous accoutrements, for the which she could find no remedy but to
retire unto her house, which was a palace.  Thither she went, and the dogs
after her; she ran to hide herself, but the chambermaids could not abstain
from laughing.  When she was entered into the house and had shut the door
upon herself, all the dogs came running of half a league round, and did so
well bepiss the gate of her house that there they made a stream with their
urine wherein a duck might have very well swimmed, and it is the same
current that now runs at St. Victor, in which Gobelin dyeth scarlet, for
the specifical virtue of these piss-dogs, as our master Doribus did
heretofore preach publicly.  So may God help you, a mill would have ground
corn with it.  Yet not so much as those of Basacle at Toulouse.




How Pantagruel departed from Paris, hearing news that the Dipsodes had
invaded the land of the Amaurots; and the cause wherefore the leagues are
so short in France.

A little while after Pantagruel heard news that his father Gargantua had
been translated into the land of the fairies by Morgue, as heretofore were
Ogier and Arthur; as also, (In the original edition it stands 'together,
and that.'--M.) that the report of his translation being spread abroad, the
Dipsodes had issued out beyond their borders, with inroads had wasted a
great part of Utopia, and at that very time had besieged the great city of
the Amaurots.  Whereupon departing from Paris without bidding any man
farewell, for the business required diligence, he came to Rouen.

Now Pantagruel in his journey seeing that the leagues of that little
territory about Paris called France were very short in regard of those of
other countries, demanded the cause and reason of it from Panurge, who told
him a story which Marotus of the Lac, monachus, set down in the Acts of the
Kings of Canarre, saying that in old times countries were not distinguished
into leagues, miles, furlongs, nor parasangs, until that King Pharamond
divided them, which was done in manner as followeth.  The said king chose
at Paris a hundred fair, gallant, lusty, brisk young men, all resolute and
bold adventurers in Cupid's duels, together with a hundred comely, pretty,
handsome, lovely and well-complexioned wenches of Picardy, all which he
caused to be well entertained and highly fed for the space of eight days.
Then having called for them, he delivered to every one of the young men his
wench, with store of money to defray their charges, and this injunction
besides, to go unto divers places here and there.  And wheresoever they
should biscot and thrum their wenches, that, they setting a stone there, it
should be accounted for a league.  Thus went away those brave fellows and
sprightly blades most merrily, and because they were fresh and had been at
rest, they very often jummed and fanfreluched almost at every field's end,
and this is the cause why the leagues about Paris are so short.  But when
they had gone a great way, and were now as weary as poor devils, all the
oil in their lamps being almost spent, they did not chink and duffle so
often, but contented themselves (I mean for the men's part) with one scurvy
paltry bout in a day, and this is that which makes the leagues in Brittany,
Delanes, Germany, and other more remote countries so long.  Other men give
other reasons for it, but this seems to me of all other the best.  To which
Pantagruel willingly adhered.  Parting from Rouen, they arrived at
Honfleur, where they took shipping, Pantagruel, Panurge, Epistemon,
Eusthenes, and Carpalin.

In which place, waiting for a favourable wind, and caulking their ship,
he received from a lady of Paris, which I (he) had formerly kept and
entertained a good long time, a letter directed on the outside thus,
--To the best beloved of the fair women, and least loyal of the valiant men
--P.N.T.G.R.L.




A letter which a messenger brought to Pantagruel from a lady of Paris,
together with the exposition of a posy written in a gold ring.

When Pantagruel had read the superscription he was much amazed, and
therefore demanded of the said messenger the name of her that had sent it.
Then opened he the letter, and found nothing written in it, nor otherwise
enclosed, but only a gold ring, with a square table diamond.  Wondering at
this, he called Panurge to him, and showed him the case.  Whereupon Panurge
told him that the leaf of paper was written upon, but with such cunning and
artifice that no man could see the writing at the first sight. Therefore,
to find it out, he set it by the fire to see if it was made with sal
ammoniac soaked in water.  Then put he it into the water, to see if the
letter was written with the juice of tithymalle.  After that he held it up
against the candle, to see if it was written with the juice of white
onions.

Then he rubbed one part of it with oil of nuts, to see if it were not
written with the lee of a fig-tree, and another part of it with the milk of
a woman giving suck to her eldest daughter, to see if it was written with
the blood of red toads or green earth-frogs.  Afterwards he rubbed one
corner with the ashes of a swallow's nest, to see if it were not written
with the dew that is found within the herb alcakengy, called the
winter-cherry.  He rubbed, after that, one end with ear-wax, to see if it
were not written with the gall of a raven.  Then did he dip it into vinegar,
to try if it was not written with the juice of the garden spurge.  After
that he greased it with the fat of a bat or flittermouse, to see if it was
not written with the sperm of a whale, which some call ambergris.  Then put
it very fairly into a basinful of fresh water, and forthwith took it out, to
see whether it were written with stone-alum.  But after all experiments,
when he perceived that he could find out nothing, he called the messenger
and asked him, Good fellow, the lady that sent thee hither, did she not give
thee a staff to bring with thee? thinking that it had been according to the
conceit whereof Aulus Gellius maketh mention.  And the messenger answered
him, No, sir.  Then Panurge would have caused his head to be shaven, to see
whether the lady had written upon his bald pate, with the hard lye whereof
soap is made, that which she meant; but, perceiving that his hair was very
long, he forbore, considering that it could not have grown to so great a
length in so short a time.

Then he said to Pantagruel, Master, by the virtue of G--, I cannot tell
what to do nor say in it.  For, to know whether there be anything written
upon this or no, I have made use of a good part of that which Master
Francisco di Nianto, the Tuscan, sets down, who hath written the manner of
reading letters that do not appear; that which Zoroastes published, Peri
grammaton acriton; and Calphurnius Bassus, De literis illegibilibus.  But I
can see nothing, nor do I believe that there is anything else in it than
the ring.  Let us, therefore, look upon it.  Which when they had done, they
found this in Hebrew written within, Lamach saba(ch)thani; whereupon they
called Epistemon, and asked him what that meant.  To which he answered that
they were Hebrew words, signifying, Wherefore hast thou forsaken me?  Upon
that Panurge suddenly replied, I know the mystery.  Do you see this
diamond?  It is a false one.  This, then, is the exposition of that which
the lady means, Diamant faux, that is, false lover, why hast thou forsaken
me?  Which interpretation Pantagruel presently understood, and withal
remembering that at his departure he had not bid the lady farewell, he was
very sorry, and would fain have returned to Paris to make his peace with
her.  But Epistemon put him in mind of Aeneas's departure from Dido, and
the saying of Heraclitus of Tarentum, That the ship being at anchor, when
need requireth we must cut the cable rather than lose time about untying of
it,--and that he should lay aside all other thoughts to succour the city of
his nativity, which was then in danger.  And, indeed, within an hour after
that the wind arose at the north-north-west, wherewith they hoist sail, and
put out, even into the main sea, so that within few days, passing by Porto
Sancto and by the Madeiras, they went ashore in the Canary Islands.
Parting from thence, they passed by Capobianco, by Senege, by Capoverde, by
Gambre, by Sagres, by Melli, by the Cap di Buona Speranza, and set ashore
again in the kingdom of Melinda.  Parting from thence, they sailed away
with a tramontane or northerly wind, passing by Meden, by Uti, by Uden, by
Gelasim, by the Isles of the Fairies, and alongst the kingdom of Achorie,
till at last they arrived at the port of Utopia, distant from the city of
the Amaurots three leagues and somewhat more.

When they were ashore, and pretty well refreshed, Pantagruel said,
Gentlemen, the city is not far from hence; therefore, were it not amiss,
before we set forward, to advise well what is to be done, that we be not
like the Athenians, who never took counsel until after the fact?  Are you
resolved to live and die with me?  Yes, sir, said they all, and be as
confident of us as of your own fingers.  Well, said he, there is but one
thing that keeps my mind in great doubt and suspense, which is this, that I
know not in what order nor of what number the enemy is that layeth siege to
the city; for, if I were certain of that, I should go forward and set on
with the better assurance.  Let us therefore consult together, and bethink
ourselves by what means we may come to this intelligence.  Whereunto they
all said, Let us go thither and see, and stay you here for us; for this
very day, without further respite, do we make account to bring you a
certain report thereof.

Myself, said Panurge, will undertake to enter into their camp, within the
very midst of their guards, unespied by their watch, and merrily feast and
lecher it at their cost, without being known of any, to see the artillery
and the tents of all the captains, and thrust myself in with a grave and
magnific carriage amongst all their troops and companies, without being
discovered.  The devil would not be able to peck me out with all his
circumventions, for I am of the race of Zopyrus.

And I, said Epistemon, know all the plots and strategems of the valiant
captains and warlike champions of former ages, together with all the tricks
and subtleties of the art of war.  I will go, and, though I be detected and
revealed, I will escape by making them believe of you whatever I please,
for I am of the race of Sinon.

I, said Eusthenes, will enter and set upon them in their trenches, in spite
of their sentries and all their guards; for I will tread upon their bellies
and break their legs and arms, yea, though they were every whit as strong
as the devil himself, for I am of the race of Hercules.

And I, said Carpalin, will get in there if the birds can enter, for I am so
nimble of body, and light withal, that I shall have leaped over their
trenches, and ran clean through all their camp, before that they perceive
me; neither do I fear shot, nor arrow, nor horse, how swift soever, were he
the Pegasus of Perseus or Pacolet, being assured that I shall be able to
make a safe and sound escape before them all without any hurt.  I will
undertake to walk upon the ears of corn or grass in the meadows, without
making either of them do so much as bow under me, for I am of the race of
Camilla the Amazon.




How Panurge, Carpalin, Eusthenes, and Epistemon, the gentlemen attendants
of Pantagruel, vanquished and discomfited six hundred and threescore
horsemen very cunningly.

As he was speaking this, they perceived six hundred and threescore light
horsemen, gallantly mounted, who made an outroad thither to see what ship
it was that was newly arrived in the harbour, and came in a full gallop to
take them if they had been able.  Then said Pantagruel, My lads, retire
yourselves unto the ship; here are some of our enemies coming apace, but I
will kill them here before you like beasts, although they were ten times so
many; in the meantime, withdraw yourselves, and take your sport at it.
Then answered Panurge, No, sir; there is no reason that you should do so,
but, on the contrary, retire you unto the ship, both you and the rest, for
I alone will here discomfit them; but we must not linger; come, set
forward.  Whereunto the others said, It is well advised, sir; withdraw
yourself, and we will help Panurge here, so shall you know what we are able
to do.  Then said Pantagruel, Well, I am content; but, if that you be too
weak, I will not fail to come to your assistance.  With this Panurge took
two great cables of the ship and tied them to the kemstock or capstan which
was on the deck towards the hatches, and fastened them in the ground,
making a long circuit, the one further off, the other within that.  Then
said he to Epistemon, Go aboard the ship, and, when I give you a call, turn
about the capstan upon the orlop diligently, drawing unto you the two
cable-ropes; and said to Eusthenes and to Carpalin, My bullies, stay you
here, and offer yourselves freely to your enemies.  Do as they bid you, and
make as if you would yield unto them, but take heed you come not within the
compass of the ropes--be sure to keep yourselves free of them.  And
presently he went aboard the ship, and took a bundle of straw and a barrel
of gunpowder, strewed it round about the compass of the cords, and stood by
with a brand of fire or match lighted in his hand.  Presently came the
horsemen with great fury, and the foremost ran almost home to the ship,
and, by reason of the slipperiness of the bank, they fell, they and their
horses, to the number of four and forty; which the rest seeing, came on,
thinking that resistance had been made them at their arrival.  But Panurge
said unto them, My masters, I believe that you have hurt yourselves; I pray
you pardon us, for it is not our fault, but the slipperiness of the
sea-water that is always flowing; we submit ourselves to your good pleasure.
So said likewise his two other fellows, and Epistemon that was upon the
deck.  In the meantime Panurge withdrew himself, and seeing that they were
all within the compass of the cables, and that his two companions were
retired, making room for all those horses which came in a crowd, thronging
upon the neck of one another to see the ship and such as were in it, cried
out on a sudden to Epistemon, Draw, draw!  Then began Epistemon to wind
about the capstan, by doing whereof the two cables so entangled and
empestered the legs of the horses, that they were all of them thrown down
to the ground easily, together with their riders.  But they, seeing that,
drew their swords, and would have cut them; whereupon Panurge set fire to
the train, and there burnt them up all like damned souls, both men and
horses, not one escaping save one alone, who being mounted on a fleet
Turkey courser, by mere speed in flight got himself out of the circle of
the ropes.  But when Carpalin perceived him, he ran after him with such
nimbleness and celerity that he overtook him in less than a hundred paces;
then, leaping close behind him upon the crupper of his horse, clasped him
in his arms, and brought him back to the ship.

This exploit being ended, Pantagruel was very jovial, and wondrously
commended the industry of these gentlemen, whom he called his
fellow-soldiers, and made them refresh themselves and feed well and merrily
upon the seashore, and drink heartily with their bellies upon the ground,
and their prisoner with them, whom they admitted to that familiarity; only
that the poor devil was somewhat afraid that Pantagruel would have eaten him
up whole, which, considering the wideness of his mouth and capacity of his
throat was no great matter for him to have done; for he could have done it
as easily as you would eat a small comfit, he showing no more in his throat
than would a grain of millet-seed in the mouth of an ass.




How Pantagruel and his company were weary in eating still salt meats; and
how Carpalin went a-hunting to have some venison.

Thus as they talked and chatted together, Carpalin said, And, by the belly
of St. Quenet, shall we never eat any venison?  This salt meat makes me
horribly dry.  I will go fetch you a quarter of one of those horses which
we have burnt; it is well roasted already.  As he was rising up to go about
it, he perceived under the side of a wood a fair great roebuck, which was
come out of his fort, as I conceive, at the sight of Panurge's fire.  Him
did he pursue and run after with as much vigour and swiftness as if it had
been a bolt out of a crossbow, and caught him in a moment; and whilst he
was in his course he with his hands took in the air four great bustards,
seven bitterns, six and twenty grey partridges, two and thirty red-legged
ones, sixteen pheasants, nine woodcocks, nineteen herons, two and thirty
cushats and ringdoves; and with his feet killed ten or twelve hares and
rabbits, which were then at relief and pretty big withal, eighteen rails in
a knot together, with fifteen young wild-boars, two little beavers, and
three great foxes.  So, striking the kid with his falchion athwart the
head, he killed him, and, bearing him on his back, he in his return took up
his hares, rails, and young wild-boars, and, as far off as he could be
heard, cried out and said, Panurge, my friend, vinegar, vinegar!  Then the
good Pantagruel, thinking he had fainted, commanded them to provide him
some vinegar; but Panurge knew well that there was some good prey in hands,
and forthwith showed unto noble Pantagruel how he was bearing upon his back
a fair roebuck, and all his girdle bordered with hares.  Then immediately
did Epistemon make, in the name of the nine Muses, nine antique wooden
spits.  Eusthenes did help to flay, and Panurge placed two great cuirassier
saddles in such sort that they served for andirons, and making their
prisoner to be their cook, they roasted their venison by the fire wherein
the horsemen were burnt; and making great cheer with a good deal of
vinegar, the devil a one of them did forbear from his victuals--it was a
triumphant and incomparable spectacle to see how they ravened and devoured.
Then said Pantagruel, Would to God every one of you had two pairs of little
anthem or sacring bells hanging at your chin, and that I had at mine the
great clocks of Rennes, of Poictiers, of Tours, and of Cambray, to see what
a peal they would ring with the wagging of our chaps.  But, said Panurge,
it were better we thought a little upon our business, and by what means we
might get the upper hand of our enemies.  That is well remembered, said
Pantagruel.  Therefore spoke he thus to the prisoner, My friend, tell us
here the truth, and do not lie to us at all, if thou wouldst not be flayed
alive, for it is I that eat the little children.  Relate unto us at full
the order, the number, and the strength of the army.  To which the prisoner
answered, Sir, know for a truth that in the army there are three hundred
giants, all armed with armour of proof, and wonderful great.  Nevertheless,
not fully so great as you, except one that is their head, named Loupgarou,
who is armed from head to foot with cyclopical anvils.  Furthermore, one
hundred three score and three thousand foot, all armed with the skins of
hobgoblins, strong and valiant men; eleven thousand four hundred
men-at-arms or cuirassiers; three thousand six hundred double cannons, and
arquebusiers without number; four score and fourteen thousand pioneers; one
hundred and fifty thousand whores, fair like goddesses--(That is for me,
said Panurge)--whereof some are Amazons, some Lionnoises, others
Parisiennes, Taurangelles, Angevines, Poictevines, Normandes, and High
Dutch--there are of them of all countries and all languages.

Yea but, said Pantagruel, is the king there?  Yes, sir, said the prisoner;
he is there in person, and we call him Anarchus, king of the Dipsodes,
which is as much to say as thirsty people, for you never saw men more
thirsty, nor more willing to drink, and his tent is guarded by the giants.
It is enough, said Pantagruel.  Come, brave boys, are you resolved to go
with me?  To which Panurge answered, God confound him that leaves you!  I
have already bethought myself how I will kill them all like pigs, and so
the devil one leg of them shall escape.  But I am somewhat troubled about
one thing.  And what is that? said Pantagruel.  It is, said Panurge, how I
shall be able to set forward to the justling and bragmardizing of all the
whores that be there this afternoon, in such sort that there escape not one
unbumped by me, breasted and jummed after the ordinary fashion of man and
women in the Venetian conflict.  Ha, ha, ha, ha, said Pantagruel.

And Carpalin said:  The devil take these sink-holes, if, by G--, I do not
bumbaste some one of them.  Then said Eusthenes:  What! shall not I have
any, whose paces, since we came from Rouen, were never so well winded up as
that my needle could mount to ten or eleven o'clock, till now that I have
it hard, stiff, and strong, like a hundred devils?  Truly, said Panurge,
thou shalt have of the fattest, and of those that are most plump and in the
best case.

How now! said Epistemon; everyone shall ride, and I must lead the ass?  The
devil take him that will do so.  We will make use of the right of war, Qui
potest capere, capiat.  No, no, said Panurge, but tie thine ass to a crook,
and ride as the world doth.  And the good Pantagruel laughed at all this,
and said unto them, You reckon without your host.  I am much afraid that,
before it be night, I shall see you in such taking that you will have no
great stomach to ride, but more like to be rode upon with sound blows of
pike and lance.  Baste, said Epistemon, enough of that!  I will not fail to
bring them to you, either to roast or boil, to fry or put in paste.  They
are not so many in number as were in the army of Xerxes, for he had thirty
hundred thousand fighting-men, if you will believe Herodotus and Trogus
Pompeius, and yet Themistocles with a few men overthrew them all.  For
God's sake, take you no care for that.  Cobsminny, cobsminny, said Panurge;
my codpiece alone shall suffice to overthrow all the men; and my St.
Sweephole, that dwells within it, shall lay all the women squat upon their
backs.  Up then, my lads, said Pantagruel, and let us march along.




How Pantagruel set up one trophy in memorial of their valour, and Panurge
another in remembrance of the hares.  How Pantagruel likewise with his
farts begat little men, and with his fisgs little women; and how Panurge
broke a great staff over two glasses.

Before we depart hence, said Pantagruel, in remembrance of the exploit that
you have now performed I will in this place erect a fair trophy.  Then
every man amongst them, with great joy and fine little country songs, set
up a huge big post, whereunto they hanged a great cuirassier saddle, the
fronstal of a barbed horse, bridle-bosses, pulley-pieces for the knees,
stirrup-leathers, spurs, stirrups, a coat of mail, a corslet tempered with
steel, a battle-axe, a strong, short, and sharp horseman's sword, a
gauntlet, a horseman's mace, gushet-armour for the armpits, leg-harness,
and a gorget, with all other furniture needful for the decorement of a
triumphant arch, in sign of a trophy.  And then Pantagruel, for an eternal
memorial, wrote this victorial ditton, as followeth:--

  Here was the prowess made apparent of
  Four brave and valiant champions of proof,
  Who, without any arms but wit, at once,
  Like Fabius, or the two Scipions,
  Burnt in a fire six hundred and threescore
  Crablice, strong rogues ne'er vanquished before.
  By this each king may learn, rook, pawn, and knight,
  That sleight is much more prevalent than might.

    For victory,
    As all men see,
    Hangs on the ditty
    Of that committee
    Where the great God
    Hath his abode.

  Nor doth he it to strong and great men give,
  But to his elect, as we must believe;
  Therefore shall he obtain wealth and esteem,
  Who thorough faith doth put his trust in him.

Whilst Pantagruel was writing these foresaid verses, Panurge halved and
fixed upon a great stake the horns of a roebuck, together with the skin and
the right forefoot thereof, the ears of three leverets, the chine of a
coney, the jaws of a hare, the wings of two bustards, the feet of four
queest-doves, a bottle or borracho full of vinegar, a horn wherein to put
salt, a wooden spit, a larding stick, a scurvy kettle full of holes, a
dripping-pan to make sauce in, an earthen salt-cellar, and a goblet of
Beauvais.  Then, in imitation of Pantagruel's verses and trophy, wrote that
which followeth:--

  Here was it that four jovial blades sat down
  To a profound carousing, and to crown
  Their banquet with those wines which please best great
  Bacchus, the monarch of their drinking state.
  Then were the reins and furch of a young hare,
  With salt and vinegar, displayed there,
  Of which to snatch a bit or two at once
  They all fell on like hungry scorpions.

    For th' Inventories
    Of Defensories
    Say that in heat
    We must drink neat
    All out, and of
    The choicest stuff.

  But it is bad to eat of young hare's flesh,
  Unless with vinegar we it refresh.
  Receive this tenet, then, without control,
  That vinegar of that meat is the soul.

Then said Pantagruel, Come, my lads, let us begone! we have stayed here too
long about our victuals; for very seldom doth it fall out that the greatest
eaters do the most martial exploits.  There is no shadow like that of
flying colours, no smoke like that of horses, no clattering like that of
armour.  At this Epistemon began to smile, and said, There is no shadow
like that of the kitchen, no smoke like that of pasties, and no clattering
like that of goblets.  Unto which answered Panurge, There is no shadow like
that of curtains, no smoke like that of women's breasts, and no clattering
like that of ballocks.  Then forthwith rising up he gave a fart, a leap,
and a whistle, and most joyfully cried out aloud, Ever live Pantagruel!
When Pantagruel saw that, he would have done as much; but with the fart
that he let the earth trembled nine leagues about, wherewith and with the
corrupted air he begot above three and fifty thousand little men,
ill-favoured dwarfs, and with one fisg that he let he made as many little
women, crouching down, as you shall see in divers places, which never grow
but like cow's tails, downwards, or, like the Limosin radishes, round.  How
now! said Panurge, are your farts so fertile and fruitful?  By G--, here be
brave farted men and fisgued women; let them be married together; they will
beget fine hornets and dorflies.  So did Pantagruel, and called them
pigmies.  Those he sent to live in an island thereby, where since that time
they are increased mightily.  But the cranes make war with them
continually, against which they do most courageously defend themselves; for
these little ends of men and dandiprats (whom in Scotland they call
whiphandles and knots of a tar-barrel) are commonly very testy and
choleric; the physical reason whereof is, because their heart is near their
spleen.

At this same time Panurge took two drinking glasses that were there, both
of one bigness, and filled them with water up to the brim, and set one of
them upon one stool and the other upon another, placing them about one foot
from one another.  Then he took the staff of a javelin, about five foot and
a half long, and put it upon the two glasses, so that the two ends of the
staff did come just to the brims of the glasses.  This done, he took a
great stake or billet of wood, and said to Pantagruel and to the rest, My
masters, behold how easily we shall have the victory over our enemies; for
just as I shall break this staff here upon these glasses, without either
breaking or crazing of them, nay, which is more, without spilling one drop
of the water that is within them, even so shall we break the heads of our
Dipsodes without receiving any of us any wound or loss in our person or
goods.  But, that you may not think there is any witchcraft in this, hold!
said he to Eusthenes, strike upon the midst as hard as thou canst with this
log.  Eusthenes did so, and the staff broke in two pieces, and not one drop
of the water fell out of the glasses.  Then said he, I know a great many
such other tricks; let us now therefore march boldly and with assurance.




How Pantagruel got the victory very strangely over the Dipsodes and the
Giants.

After all this talk, Pantagruel took the prisoner to him and sent him away,
saying, Go thou unto thy king in his camp, and tell him tidings of what
thou hast seen, and let him resolve to feast me to-morrow about noon; for,
as soon as my galleys shall come, which will be to-morrow at furthest, I
will prove unto him by eighteen hundred thousand fighting-men and seven
thousand giants, all of them greater than I am, that he hath done foolishly
and against reason thus to invade my country.  Wherein Pantagruel feigned
that he had an army at sea.  But the prisoner answered that he would yield
himself to be his slave, and that he was content never to return to his own
people, but rather with Pantagruel to fight against them, and for God's
sake besought him that he might be permitted so to do.  Whereunto
Pantagruel would not give consent, but commanded him to depart thence
speedily and begone as he had told him, and to that effect gave him a
boxful of euphorbium, together with some grains of the black chameleon
thistle, steeped into aqua vitae, and made up into the condiment of a wet
sucket, commanding him to carry it to his king, and to say unto him, that
if he were able to eat one ounce of that without drinking after it, he
might then be able to resist him without any fear or apprehension of
danger.

The prisoner then besought him with joined hands that in the hour of the
battle he would have compassion upon him.  Whereat Pantagruel said unto
him, After that thou hast delivered all unto the king, put thy whole
confidence in God, and he will not forsake thee; because, although for my
part I be mighty, as thou mayst see, and have an infinite number of men in
arms, I do nevertheless trust neither in my force nor in mine industry, but
all my confidence is in God my protector, who doth never forsake those that
in him do put their trust and confidence.  This done, the prisoner
requested him that he would afford him some reasonable composition for his
ransom.  To which Pantagruel answered, that his end was not to rob nor
ransom men, but to enrich them and reduce them to total liberty.  Go thy
way, said he, in the peace of the living God, and never follow evil
company, lest some mischief befall thee.  The prisoner being gone,
Pantagruel said to his men, Gentlemen, I have made this prisoner believe
that we have an army at sea; as also that we will not assault them till
to-morrow at noon, to the end that they, doubting of the great arrival of
our men, may spend this night in providing and strengthening themselves,
but in the meantime my intention is that we charge them about the hour
of the first sleep.

Let us leave Pantagruel here with his apostles, and speak of King Anarchus
and his army.  When the prisoner was come he went unto the king and told
him how there was a great giant come, called Pantagruel, who had overthrown
and made to be cruelly roasted all the six hundred and nine and fifty
horsemen, and he alone escaped to bring the news.  Besides that, he was
charged by the said giant to tell him that the next day, about noon, he
must make a dinner ready for him, for at that hour he was resolved to set
upon him.  Then did he give him that box wherein were those confitures.
But as soon as he had swallowed down one spoonful of them, he was taken
with such a heat in the throat, together with an ulceration in the flap of
the top of the windpipe, that his tongue peeled with it in such sort that,
for all they could do unto him, he found no ease at all but by drinking
only without cessation; for as soon as ever he took the goblet from his
head, his tongue was on a fire, and therefore they did nothing but still
pour in wine into his throat with a funnel.  Which when his captains,
bashaws, and guard of his body did see, they tasted of the same drugs to
try whether they were so thirst-procuring and alterative or no.  But it so
befell them as it had done their king, and they plied the flagon so well
that the noise ran throughout all the camp, how the prisoner was returned;
that the next day they were to have an assault; that the king and his
captains did already prepare themselves for it, together with his guards,
and that with carousing lustily and quaffing as hard as they could.  Every
man, therefore, in the army began to tipple, ply the pot, swill and guzzle
it as fast as they could.  In sum, they drunk so much, and so long, that
they fell asleep like pigs, all out of order throughout the whole camp.

Let us now return to the good Pantagruel, and relate how he carried himself
in this business.  Departing from the place of the trophies, he took the
mast of their ship in his hand like a pilgrim's staff, and put within the
top of it two hundred and seven and thirty puncheons of white wine of
Anjou, the rest was of Rouen, and tied up to his girdle the bark all full
of salt, as easily as the lansquenets carry their little panniers, and so
set onward on his way with his fellow-soldiers.  When he was come near to
the enemy's camp, Panurge said unto him, Sir, if you would do well, let
down this white wine of Anjou from the scuttle of the mast of the ship,
that we may all drink thereof, like Bretons.

Hereunto Pantagruel very willingly consented, and they drank so neat that
there was not so much as one poor drop left of two hundred and seven and
thirty puncheons, except one boracho or leathern bottle of Tours which
Panurge filled for himself, for he called that his vademecum, and some
scurvy lees of wine in the bottom, which served him instead of vinegar.
After they had whittled and curried the can pretty handsomely, Panurge gave
Pantagruel to eat some devilish drugs compounded of lithotripton, which is
a stone-dissolving ingredient, nephrocatarticon, that purgeth the reins,
the marmalade of quinces, called codiniac, a confection of cantharides,
which are green flies breeding on the tops of olive-trees, and other kinds
of diuretic or piss-procuring simples.  This done, Pantagruel said to
Carpalin, Go into the city, scrambling like a cat against the wall, as you
can well do, and tell them that now presently they come out and charge
their enemies as rudely as they can, and having said so, come down, taking
a lighted torch with you, wherewith you shall set on fire all the tents and
pavilions in the camp; then cry as loud as you are able with your great
voice, and then come away from thence.  Yea but, said Carpalin, were it not
good to cloy all their ordnance?  No, no, said Pantagruel, only blow up all
their powder.  Carpalin, obeying him, departed suddenly and did as he was
appointed by Pantagruel, and all the combatants came forth that were in the
city, and when he had set fire in the tents and pavilions, he passed so
lightly through them, and so highly and profoundly did they snort and
sleep, that they never perceived him.  He came to the place where their
artillery was, and set their munition on fire.  But here was the danger.
The fire was so sudden that poor Carpalin had almost been burnt.  And had
it not been for his wonderful agility he had been fried like a roasting
pig.  But he departed away so speedily that a bolt or arrow out of a
crossbow could not have had a swifter motion.  When he was clear of their
trenches, he shouted aloud, and cried out so dreadfully, and with such
amazement to the hearers, that it seemed all the devils of hell had been
let loose.  At which noise the enemies awaked, but can you tell how?  Even
no less astonished than are monks at the ringing of the first peal to
matins, which in Lusonnois is called rub-ballock.

In the meantime Pantagruel began to sow the salt that he had in his bark,
and because they slept with an open gaping mouth, he filled all their
throats with it, so that those poor wretches were by it made to cough like
foxes.  Ha, Pantagruel, how thou addest greater heat to the firebrand that
is in us!  Suddenly Pantagruel had will to piss, by means of the drugs
which Panurge had given him, and pissed amidst the camp so well and so
copiously that he drowned them all, and there was a particular deluge ten
leagues round about, of such considerable depth that the history saith, if
his father's great mare had been there, and pissed likewise, it would
undoubtedly have been a more enormous deluge than that of Deucalion; for
she did never piss but she made a river greater than is either the Rhone or
the Danube.  Which those that were come out of the city seeing, said, They
are all cruelly slain; see how the blood runs along.  But they were
deceived in thinking Pantagruel's urine had been the blood of their
enemies, for they could not see but by the light of the fire of the
pavilions and some small light of the moon.

The enemies, after that they were awaked, seeing on one side the fire in
the camp, and on the other the inundation of the urinal deluge, could not
tell what to say nor what to think.  Some said that it was the end of the
world and the final judgment, which ought to be by fire.  Others again
thought that the sea-gods, Neptune, Proteus, Triton, and the rest of them,
did persecute them, for that indeed they found it to be like sea-water and
salt.

O who were able now condignly to relate how Pantagruel did demean himself
against the three hundred giants!  O my Muse, my Calliope, my Thalia,
inspire me at this time, restore unto me my spirits; for this is the
logical bridge of asses!  Here is the pitfall, here is the difficulty, to
have ability enough to express the horrible battle that was fought.  Ah,
would to God that I had now a bottle of the best wine that ever those drank
who shall read this so veridical history!




How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred giants armed with free-stone,
and Loupgarou their captain.

The giants, seeing all their camp drowned, carried away their king Anarchus
upon their backs as well as they could out of the fort, as Aeneas did to
his father Anchises, in the time of the conflagration of Troy.  When
Panurge perceived them, he said to Pantagruel, Sir, yonder are the giants
coming forth against you; lay on them with your mast gallantly, like an old
fencer; for now is the time that you must show yourself a brave man and an
honest.  And for our part we will not fail you.  I myself will kill to you
a good many boldly enough; for why, David killed Goliath very easily; and
then this great lecher, Eusthenes, who is stronger than four oxen, will not
spare himself.  Be of good courage, therefore, and valiant; charge amongst
them with point and edge, and by all manner of means.  Well, said
Pantagruel, of courage I have more than for fifty francs, but let us be
wise, for Hercules first never undertook against two.  That is well cacked,
well scummered, said Panurge; do you compare yourself with Hercules?  You
have, by G--, more strength in your teeth, and more scent in your bum, than
ever Hercules had in all his body and soul.  So much is a man worth as he
esteems himself.  Whilst they spake those words, behold! Loupgarou was come
with all his giants, who, seeing Pantagruel in a manner alone, was carried
away with temerity and presumption, for hopes that he had to kill the good
man.  Whereupon he said to his companions the giants, You wenchers of the
low country, by Mahoom! if any of you undertake to fight against these men
here, I will put you cruelly to death.  It is my will that you let me fight
single.  In the meantime you shall have good sport to look upon us.

Then all the other giants retired with their king to the place where the
flagons stood, and Panurge and his comrades with them, who counterfeited
those that have had the pox, for he wreathed about his mouth, shrunk up his
fingers, and with a harsh and hoarse voice said unto them, I forsake -od,
fellow-soldiers, if I would have it to be believed that we make any war at
all.  Give us somewhat to eat with you whilest our masters fight against
one another.  To this the king and giants jointly condescended, and
accordingly made them to banquet with them.  In the meantime Panurge told
them the follies of Turpin, the examples of St. Nicholas, and the tale of a
tub.  Loupgarou then set forward towards Pantagruel, with a mace all of
steel, and that of the best sort, weighing nine thousand seven hundred
quintals and two quarterons, at the end whereof were thirteen pointed
diamonds, the least whereof was as big as the greatest bell of Our Lady's
Church at Paris--there might want perhaps the thickness of a nail, or at
most, that I may not lie, of the back of those knives which they call
cutlugs or earcutters, but for a little off or on, more or less, it is no
matter--and it was enchanted in such sort that it could never break, but,
contrarily, all that it did touch did break immediately.  Thus, then, as he
approached with great fierceness and pride of heart, Pantagruel, casting up
his eyes to heaven, recommended himself to God with all his soul, making
such a vow as followeth.

O thou Lord God, who hast always been my protector and my saviour! thou
seest the distress wherein I am at this time.  Nothing brings me hither but
a natural zeal, which thou hast permitted unto mortals, to keep and defend
themselves, their wives and children, country and family, in case thy own
proper cause were not in question, which is the faith; for in such a
business thou wilt have no coadjutors, only a catholic confession and
service of thy word, and hast forbidden us all arming and defence.  For
thou art the Almighty, who in thine own cause, and where thine own business
is taken to heart, canst defend it far beyond all that we can conceive,
thou who hast thousand thousands of hundreds of millions of legions of
angels, the least of which is able to kill all mortal men, and turn about
the heavens and earth at his pleasure, as heretofore it very plainly
appeared in the army of Sennacherib.  If it may please thee, therefore, at
this time to assist me, as my whole trust and confidence is in thee alone,
I vow unto thee, that in all countries whatsoever wherein I shall have any
power or authority, whether in this of Utopia or elsewhere, I will cause
thy holy gospel to be purely, simply, and entirely preached, so that the
abuses of a rabble of hypocrites and false prophets, who by human
constitutions and depraved inventions have empoisoned all the world, shall
be quite exterminated from about me.

This vow was no sooner made, but there was heard a voice from heaven
saying, Hoc fac et vinces; that is to say, Do this, and thou shalt
overcome.  Then Pantagruel, seeing that Loupgarou with his mouth wide open
was drawing near to him, went against him boldly, and cried out as loud as
he was able, Thou diest, villain, thou diest! purposing by his horrible cry
to make him afraid, according to the discipline of the Lacedaemonians.
Withal, he immediately cast at him out of his bark, which he wore at his
girdle, eighteen cags and four bushels of salt, wherewith he filled both
his mouth, throat, nose, and eyes.  At this Loupgarou was so highly
incensed that, most fiercely setting upon him, he thought even then with a
blow of his mace to have beat out his brains.  But Pantagruel was very
nimble, and had always a quick foot and a quick eye, and therefore with his
left foot did he step back one pace, yet not so nimbly but that the blow,
falling upon the bark, broke it in four thousand four score and six pieces,
and threw all the rest of the salt about the ground.  Pantagruel, seeing
that, most gallantly displayed the vigour of his arms, and, according to
the art of the axe, gave him with the great end of his mast a homethrust a
little above the breast; then, bringing along the blow to the left side,
with a slash struck him between the neck and shoulders.  After that,
advancing his right foot, he gave him a push upon the couillons with the
upper end of his said mast, wherewith breaking the scuttle on the top
thereof, he spilt three or four puncheons of wine that were left therein.

Upon that Loupgarou thought that he had pierced his bladder, and that the
wine that came forth had been his urine.  Pantagruel, being not content
with this, would have doubled it by a side-blow; but Loupgarou, lifting
up his mace, advanced one step upon him, and with all his force would
have dashed it upon Pantagruel, wherein, to speak the truth, he so
sprightfully carried himself, that, if God had not succoured the good
Pantagruel, he had been cloven from the top of his head to the bottom of
his milt.  But the blow glanced to the right side by the brisk nimbleness
of Pantagruel, and his mace sank into the ground above threescore and
thirteen foot, through a huge rock, out of which the fire did issue greater
than nine thousand and six tons.  Pantagruel, seeing him busy about
plucking out his mace, which stuck in the ground between the rocks, ran
upon him, and would have clean cut off his head, if by mischance his mast
had not touched a little against the stock of Loupgarou's mace, which was
enchanted, as we have said before.  By this means his mast broke off about
three handfuls above his hand, whereat he stood amazed like a bell-founder,
and cried out, Ah, Panurge, where art thou?  Panurge, seeing that, said to
the king and the giants, By G--, they will hurt one another if they be not
parted.  But the giants were as merry as if they had been at a wedding.
Then Carpalin would have risen from thence to help his master; but one of
the giants said unto him, By Golfarin, the nephew of Mahoom, if thou stir
hence I will put thee in the bottom of my breeches instead of a
suppository, which cannot choose but do me good.  For in my belly I am very
costive, and cannot well cagar without gnashing my teeth and making many
filthy faces.  Then Pantagruel, thus destitute of a staff, took up the end
of his mast, striking athwart and alongst upon the giant, but he did him no
more hurt than you would do with a fillip upon a smith's anvil.  In the
(mean) time Loupgarou was drawing his mace out of the ground, and, having
already plucked it out, was ready therewith to have struck Pantagruel, who,
being very quick in turning, avoided all his blows in taking only the
defensive part in hand, until on a sudden he saw that Loupgarou did
threaten him with these words, saying, Now, villain, will not I fail to
chop thee as small as minced meat, and keep thee henceforth from ever
making any more poor men athirst!  For then, without any more ado,
Pantagruel struck him such a blow with his foot against the belly that he
made him fall backwards, his heels over his head, and dragged him thus
along at flay-buttock above a flight-shot.  Then Loupgarou cried out,
bleeding at the throat, Mahoom, Mahoom, Mahoom! at which noise all the
giants arose to succour him.  But Panurge said unto them, Gentlemen, do not
go, if will believe me, for our master is mad, and strikes athwart and
alongst, he cares not where; he will do you a mischief.  But the giants
made no account of it, seeing that Pantagruel had never a staff.

And when Pantagruel saw those giants approach very near unto him, he took
Loupgarou by the two feet, and lift up his body like a pike in the air,
wherewith, it being harnessed with anvils, he laid such heavy load amongst
those giants armed with free-stone, that, striking them down as a mason
doth little knobs of stones, there was not one of them that stood before
him whom he threw not flat to the ground.  And by the breaking of this
stony armour there was made such a horrible rumble as put me in mind of the
fall of the butter-tower of St. Stephen's at Bourges when it melted before
the sun.  Panurge, with Carpalin and Eusthenes, did cut in the mean time
the throats of those that were struck down, in such sort that there escaped
not one.  Pantagruel to any man's sight was like a mower, who with his
scythe, which was Loupgarou, cut down the meadow grass, to wit, the giants;
but with this fencing of Pantagruel's Loupgarou lost his head, which
happened when Pantagruel struck down one whose name was Riflandouille, or
Pudding-plunderer, who was armed cap-a-pie with Grison stones, one chip
whereof splintering abroad cut off Epistemon's neck clean and fair.  For
otherwise the most part of them were but lightly armed with a kind of sandy
brittle stone, and the rest with slates.  At last, when he saw that they
were all dead, he threw the body of Loupgarou as hard as he could against
the city, where falling like a frog upon his belly in the great Piazza
thereof, he with the said fall killed a singed he-cat, a wet she-cat, a
farting duck, and a bridled goose.




How Epistemon, who had his head cut off, was finely healed by Panurge, and
of the news which he brought from the devils, and of the damned people in
hell.

This gigantal victory being ended, Pantagruel withdrew himself to the place
of the flagons, and called for Panurge and the rest, who came unto him safe
and sound, except Eusthenes, whom one of the giants had scratched a little
in the face whilst he was about the cutting of his throat, and Epistemon,
who appeared not at all.  Whereat Pantagruel was so aggrieved that he would
have killed himself.  But Panurge said unto him, Nay, sir, stay a while,
and we will search for him amongst the dead, and find out the truth of all.
Thus as they went seeking after him, they found him stark dead, with his
head between his arms all bloody.  Then Eusthenes cried out, Ah, cruel
death! hast thou taken from me the perfectest amongst men?  At which words
Pantagruel rose up with the greatest grief that ever any man did see, and
said to Panurge, Ha, my friend! the prophecy of your two glasses and the
javelin staff was a great deal too deceitful.  But Panurge answered, My
dear bullies all, weep not one drop more, for, he being yet all hot, I will
make him as sound as ever he was.  In saying this, he took the head and
held it warm foregainst his codpiece, that the wind might not enter into
it.  Eusthenes and Carpalin carried the body to the place where they had
banqueted, not out of any hope that ever he would recover, but that
Pantagruel might see it.

Nevertheless Panurge gave him very good comfort, saying, If I do not heal
him, I will be content to lose my head, which is a fool's wager.  Leave
off, therefore, crying, and help me.  Then cleansed he his neck very well
with pure white wine, and, after that, took his head, and into it synapised
some powder of diamerdis, which he always carried about him in one of his
bags.  Afterwards he anointed it with I know not what ointment, and set it
on very just, vein against vein, sinew against sinew, and spondyle against
spondyle, that he might not be wry-necked--for such people he mortally
hated.  This done, he gave it round about some fifteen or sixteen stitches
with a needle that it might not fall off again; then, on all sides and
everywhere, he put a little ointment on it, which he called resuscitative.

Suddenly Epistemon began to breathe, then opened his eyes, yawned, sneezed,
and afterwards let a great household fart.  Whereupon Panurge said, Now,
certainly, he is healed,--and therefore gave him to drink a large full
glass of strong white wine, with a sugared toast.  In this fashion was
Epistemon finely healed, only that he was somewhat hoarse for above three
weeks together, and had a dry cough of which he could not be rid but by the
force of continual drinking.  And now he began to speak, and said that he
had seen the devil, had spoken with Lucifer familiarly, and had been very
merry in hell and in the Elysian fields, affirming very seriously before
them all that the devils were boon companions and merry fellows.  But, in
respect of the damned, he said he was very sorry that Panurge had so soon
called him back into this world again; for, said he, I took wonderful
delight to see them.  How so? said Pantagruel.  Because they do not use
them there, said Epistemon, so badly as you think they do.  Their estate
and condition of living is but only changed after a very strange manner;
for I saw Alexander the Great there amending and patching on clouts upon
old breeches and stockings, whereby he got but a very poor living.

Xerxes was a crier of mustard.
Romulus, a salter and patcher of pattens.
Numa, a nailsmith.
Tarquin, a porter.
Piso, a clownish swain.
Sylla, a ferryman.
Cyrus, a cowherd.
Themistocles, a glass-maker.
Epaminondas, a maker of mirrors or looking-glasses.
Brutus and Cassius, surveyors or measurers of land.
Demosthenes, a vine-dresser.
Cicero, a fire-kindler.
Fabius, a threader of beads.
Artaxerxes, a rope-maker.
Aeneas, a miller.
Achilles was a scaldpated maker of hay-bundles.
Agamemnon, a lick-box.
Ulysses, a hay-mower.
Nestor, a door-keeper or forester.
Darius, a gold-finder or jakes-farmer.
Ancus Martius, a ship-trimmer.
Camillus, a foot-post.
Marcellus, a sheller of beans.
Drusus, a taker of money at the doors of playhouses.
Scipio Africanus, a crier of lee in a wooden slipper.
Asdrubal, a lantern-maker.
Hannibal, a kettlemaker and seller of eggshells.
Priamus, a seller of old clouts.
Lancelot of the Lake was a flayer of dead horses.

All the Knights of the Round Table were poor day-labourers, employed to row
over the rivers of Cocytus, Phlegeton, Styx, Acheron, and Lethe, when my
lords the devils had a mind to recreate themselves upon the water, as in
the like occasion are hired the boatmen at Lyons, the gondoliers of Venice,
and oars at London.  But with this difference, that these poor knights have
only for their fare a bob or flirt on the nose, and in the evening a morsel
of coarse mouldy bread.

Trajan was a fisher of frogs.
Antoninus, a lackey.
Commodus, a jet-maker.
Pertinax, a peeler of walnuts.
Lucullus, a maker of rattles and hawks'-bells.
Justinian, a pedlar.
Hector, a snap-sauce scullion.
Paris was a poor beggar.
Cambyses, a mule-driver.

Nero, a base blind fiddler, or player on that instrument which is called a
windbroach.  Fierabras was his serving-man, who did him a thousand
mischievous tricks, and would make him eat of the brown bread and drink of
the turned wine when himself did both eat and drink of the best.

Julius Caesar and Pompey were boat-wrights and tighters of ships.

Valentine and Orson did serve in the stoves of hell, and were sweat-rubbers
in hot houses.

Giglan and Govian (Gauvin) were poor swineherds.

Geoffrey with the great tooth was a tinder-maker and seller of matches.

Godfrey de Bouillon, a hood-maker.
Jason was a bracelet-maker.
Don Pietro de Castille, a carrier of indulgences.
Morgan, a beer-brewer.
Huon of Bordeaux, a hooper of barrels.
Pyrrhus, a kitchen-scullion.
Antiochus, a chimney-sweeper.
Octavian, a scraper of parchment.
Nerva, a mariner.

Pope Julius was a crier of pudding-pies, but he left off wearing there his
great buggerly beard.

John of Paris was a greaser of boots.
Arthur of Britain, an ungreaser of caps.
Perce-Forest, a carrier of faggots.
Pope Boniface the Eighth, a scummer of pots.
Pope Nicholas the Third, a maker of paper.
Pope Alexander, a ratcatcher.
Pope Sixtus, an anointer of those that have the pox.

What, said Pantagruel, have they the pox there too?  Surely, said
Epistemon, I never saw so many:  there are there, I think, above a hundred
millions; for believe, that those who have not had the pox in this world
must have it in the other.

Cotsbody, said Panurge, then I am free; for I have been as far as the hole
of Gibraltar, reached unto the outmost bounds of Hercules, and gathered of
the ripest.

Ogier the Dane was a furbisher of armour.
The King Tigranes, a mender of thatched houses.
Galien Restored, a taker of moldwarps.
The four sons of Aymon were all toothdrawers.
Pope Calixtus was a barber of a woman's sine qua non.
Pope Urban, a bacon-picker.
Melusina was a kitchen drudge-wench.
Matabrune, a laundress.
Cleopatra, a crier of onions.
Helen, a broker for chambermaids.
Semiramis, the beggars' lice-killer.
Dido did sell mushrooms.
Penthesilea sold cresses.
Lucretia was an alehouse-keeper.
Hortensia, a spinstress.
Livia, a grater of verdigris.

After this manner, those that had been great lords and ladies here, got but
a poor scurvy wretched living there below.  And, on the contrary, the
philosophers and others, who in this world had been altogether indigent and
wanting, were great lords there in their turn.  I saw Diogenes there strut
it out most pompously, and in great magnificence, with a rich purple gown
on him, and a golden sceptre in his right hand.  And, which is more, he
would now and then make Alexander the Great mad, so enormously would he
abuse him when he had not well patched his breeches; for he used to pay his
skin with sound bastinadoes.  I saw Epictetus there, most gallantly
apparelled after the French fashion, sitting under a pleasant arbour, with
store of handsome gentlewomen, frolicking, drinking, dancing, and making
good cheer, with abundance of crowns of the sun.  Above the lattice were
written these verses for his device:

  To leap and dance, to sport and play,
    And drink good wine both white and brown,
  Or nothing else do all the day
    But tell bags full of many a crown.

When he saw me, he invited me to drink with him very courteously, and I
being willing to be entreated, we tippled and chopined together most
theologically.  In the meantime came Cyrus to beg one farthing of him for
the honour of Mercury, therewith to buy a few onions for his supper.  No,
no, said Epictetus, I do not use in my almsgiving to bestow farthings.
Hold, thou varlet, there's a crown for thee; be an honest man.  Cyrus was
exceeding glad to have met with such a booty; but the other poor rogues,
the kings that are there below, as Alexander, Darius, and others, stole it
away from him by night.  I saw Pathelin, the treasurer of Rhadamanthus,
who, in cheapening the pudding-pies that Pope Julius cried, asked him how
much a dozen.  Three blanks, said the Pope.  Nay, said Pathelin, three
blows with a cudgel.  Lay them down here, you rascal, and go fetch more.
The poor Pope went away weeping, who, when he came to his master, the
pie-maker, told him that they had taken away his pudding-pies.  Whereupon
his master gave him such a sound lash with an eel-skin, that his own would
have been worth nothing to make bag-pipe-bags of.  I saw Master John Le
Maire there personate the Pope in such fashion that he made all the poor
kings and popes of this world kiss his feet, and, taking great state upon
him, gave them his benediction, saying, Get the pardons, rogues, get the
pardons; they are good cheap.  I absolve you of bread and pottage, and
dispense with you to be never good for anything.  Then, calling Caillet and
Triboulet to him, he spoke these words, My lords the cardinals, despatch
their bulls, to wit, to each of them a blow with a cudgel upon the reins.
Which accordingly was forthwith performed.  I heard Master Francis Villon
ask Xerxes, How much the mess of mustard?  A farthing, said Xerxes.  To
which the said Villon answered, The pox take thee for a villain!  As much of
square-eared wheat is not worth half that price, and now thou offerest to
enhance the price of victuals.  With this he pissed in his pot, as the
mustard-makers of Paris used to do.  I saw the trained bowman of the bathing
tub, known by the name of the Francarcher de Baignolet, who, being one of
the trustees of the Inquisition, when he saw Perce-Forest making water
against a wall in which was painted the fire of St. Anthony, declared him
heretic, and would have caused him to be burnt alive had it not been for
Morgant, who, for his proficiat and other small fees, gave him nine tuns of
beer.

Well, said Pantagruel, reserve all these fair stories for another time,
only tell us how the usurers are there handled.  I saw them, said
Epistemon, all very busily employed in seeking of rusty pins and old nails
in the kennels of the streets, as you see poor wretched rogues do in this
world.  But the quintal, or hundredweight, of this old ironware is there
valued but at the price of a cantle of bread, and yet they have but a very
bad despatch and riddance in the sale of it.  Thus the poor misers are
sometimes three whole weeks without eating one morsel or crumb of bread,
and yet work both day and night, looking for the fair to come.
Nevertheless, of all this labour, toil, and misery, they reckon nothing, so
cursedly active they are in the prosecution of that their base calling, in
hopes, at the end of the year, to earn some scurvy penny by it.

Come, said Pantagruel, let us now make ourselves merry one bout, and drink,
my lads, I beseech you, for it is very good drinking all this month.  Then
did they uncase their flagons by heaps and dozens, and with their
leaguer-provision made excellent good cheer.  But the poor King Anarchus
could not all this while settle himself towards any fit of mirth; whereupon
Panurge said, Of what trade shall we make my lord the king here, that he may
be skilful in the art when he goes thither to sojourn amongst all the devils
of hell?  Indeed, said Pantagruel, that was well advised of thee.  Do with
him what thou wilt, I give him to thee.  Gramercy, said Panurge, the present
is not to be refused, and I love it from you.




How Pantagruel entered into the city of the Amaurots, and how Panurge
married King Anarchus to an old lantern-carrying hag, and made him a crier
of green sauce.

After this wonderful victory, Pantagruel sent Carpalin unto the city of the
Amaurots to declare and signify unto them how the King Anarchus was taken
prisoner and all the enemies of the city overthrown.  Which news when they
heard all the inhabitants of the city came forth to meet him in good order,
and with a great triumphant pomp, conducting him with a heavenly joy into
the city, where innumerable bonfires were set on through all the parts
thereof, and fair round tables, which were furnished with store of good
victuals, set out in the middle of the streets.  This was a renewing of the
golden age in the time of Saturn, so good was the cheer which then they
made.

But Pantagruel, having assembled the whole senate and common councilmen of
the town, said, My masters, we must now strike the iron whilst it is hot.
It is therefore my will that, before we frolic it any longer, we advise how
to assault and take the whole kingdom of the Dipsodes.  To which effect let
those that will go with me provide themselves against to-morrow after
drinking, for then will I begin to march.  Not that I need any more men
than I have to help me to conquer it, for I could make it as sure that way
as if I had it already; but I see this city is so full of inhabitants that
they scarce can turn in the streets.  I will, therefore, carry them as a
colony into Dipsody, and will give them all that country, which is fair,
wealthy, fruitful, and pleasant, above all other countries in the world, as
many of you can tell who have been there heretofore.  Everyone of you,
therefore, that will go along, let him provide himself as I have said.
This counsel and resolution being published in the city, the next morning
there assembled in the piazza before the palace to the number of eighteen
hundred fifty-six thousand and eleven, besides women and little children.
Thus began they to march straight into Dipsody, in such good order as did
the people of Israel when they departed out of Egypt to pass over the Red
Sea.

But before we proceed any further in this purpose, I will tell you how
Panurge handled his prisoner the King Anarchus; for, having remembered that
which Epistemon had related, how the kings and rich men in this world were
used in the Elysian fields, and how they got their living there by base and
ignoble trades, he, therefore, one day apparelled his king in a pretty
little canvas doublet, all jagged and pinked like the tippet of a light
horseman's cap, together with a pair of large mariner's breeches, and
stockings without shoes,--For, said he, they would but spoil his sight,
--and a little peach-coloured bonnet with a great capon's feather in it--I
lie, for I think he had two--and a very handsome girdle of a sky-colour and
green (in French called pers et vert), saying that such a livery did become
him well, for that he had always been perverse, and in this plight bringing
him before Pantagruel, said unto him, Do you know this roister?  No,
indeed, said Pantagruel.  It is, said Panurge, my lord the king of the
three batches, or threadbare sovereign.  I intend to make him an honest
man.  These devilish kings which we have here are but as so many calves;
they know nothing and are good for nothing but to do a thousand mischiefs
to their poor subjects, and to trouble all the world with war for their
unjust and detestable pleasure.  I will put him to a trade, and make him a
crier of green sauce.  Go to, begin and cry, Do you lack any green sauce?
and the poor devil cried.  That is too low, said Panurge; then took him by
the ear, saying, Sing higher in Ge, sol, re, ut.  So, so poor devil, thou
hast a good throat; thou wert never so happy as to be no longer king.  And
Pantagruel made himself merry with all this; for I dare boldly say that he
was the best little gaffer that was to be seen between this and the end of
a staff.  Thus was Anarchus made a good crier of green sauce.  Two days
thereafter Panurge married him with an old lantern-carrying hag, and he
himself made the wedding with fine sheep's heads, brave haslets with
mustard, gallant salligots with garlic, of which he sent five horseloads
unto Pantagruel, which he ate up all, he found them so appetizing.
And for their drink they had a kind of small well-watered wine, and some
sorbapple-cider.  And, to make them dance, he hired a blind man that
made music to them with a wind-broach.

After dinner he led them to the palace and showed them to Pantagruel, and
said, pointing to the married woman, You need not fear that she will crack.
Why? said Pantagruel.  Because, said Panurge, she is well slit and broke up
already.  What do you mean by that? said Pantagruel.  Do not you see, said
Panurge, that the chestnuts which are roasted in the fire, if they be whole
they crack as if they were mad, and, to keep them from cracking, they make
an incision in them and slit them?  So this new bride is in her lower parts
well slit before, and therefore will not crack behind.

Pantagruel gave them a little lodge near the lower street and a mortar of
stone wherein to bray and pound their sauce, and in this manner did they do
their little business, he being as pretty a crier of green sauce as ever
was seen in the country of Utopia.  But I have been told since that his
wife doth beat him like plaister, and the poor sot dare not defend himself,
he is so simple.




How Pantagruel with his tongue covered a whole army, and what the author
saw in his mouth.

Thus, as Pantagruel with all his army had entered into the country of the
Dipsodes, everyone was glad of it, and incontinently rendered themselves
unto him, bringing him out of their own good wills the keys of all the
cities where he went, the Almirods only excepted, who, being resolved to
hold out against him, made answer to his heralds that they would not yield
but upon very honourable and good conditions.

What! said Pantagruel, do they ask any better terms than the hand at the
pot and the glass in their fist?  Come, let us go sack them, and put them
all to the sword.  Then did they put themselves in good order, as being
fully determined to give an assault, but by the way, passing through a
large field, they were overtaken with a great shower of rain, whereat they
began to shiver and tremble, to crowd, press, and thrust close to one
another.  When Pantagruel saw that, he made their captains tell them that
it was nothing, and that he saw well above the clouds that it would be
nothing but a little dew; but, howsoever, that they should put themselves
in order, and he would cover them.  Then did they put themselves in a close
order, and stood as near to (each) other as they could, and Pantagruel drew
out his tongue only half-way and covered them all, as a hen doth her
chickens.  In the meantime, I, who relate to you these so veritable
stories, hid myself under a burdock-leaf, which was not much less in
largeness than the arch of the bridge of Montrible, but when I saw them
thus covered, I went towards them to shelter myself likewise; which I could
not do, for that they were so, as the saying is, At the yard's end there is
no cloth left.  Then, as well as I could, I got upon it, and went along
full two leagues upon his tongue, and so long marched that at last I came
into his mouth.  But, O gods and goddesses! what did I see there?  Jupiter
confound me with his trisulc lightning if I lie!  I walked there as they do
in Sophia (at) Constantinople, and saw there great rocks, like the
mountains in Denmark--I believe that those were his teeth.  I saw also fair
meadows, large forests, great and strong cities not a jot less than Lyons
or Poictiers.  The first man I met with there was a good honest fellow
planting coleworts, whereat being very much amazed, I asked him, My friend,
what dost thou make here?  I plant coleworts, said he.  But how, and
wherewith? said I.  Ha, sir, said he, everyone cannot have his ballocks as
heavy as a mortar, neither can we be all rich.  Thus do I get my poor
living, and carry them to the market to sell in the city which is here
behind.  Jesus! said I, is there here a new world?  Sure, said he, it is
never a jot new, but it is commonly reported that, without this, there is
an earth, whereof the inhabitants enjoy the light of a sun and a moon, and
that it is full of and replenished with very good commodities; but yet this
is more ancient than that.  Yea but, said I, my friend, what is the name of
that city whither thou carriest thy coleworts to sell?  It is called
Aspharage, said he, and all the indwellers are Christians, very honest men,
and will make you good cheer.  To be brief, I resolved to go thither.  Now,
in my way, I met with a fellow that was lying in wait to catch pigeons, of
whom I asked, My friend, from whence come these pigeons?  Sir, said he,
they come from the other world.  Then I thought that, when Pantagruel
yawned, the pigeons went into his mouth in whole flocks, thinking that it
had been a pigeon-house.

Then I went into the city, which I found fair, very strong, and seated in a
good air; but at my entry the guard demanded of me my pass or ticket.
Whereat I was much astonished, and asked them, My masters, is there any
danger of the plague here?  O Lord! said they, they die hard by here so
fast that the cart runs about the streets.  Good God! said I, and where?
Whereunto they answered that it was in Larynx and Pharynx, which are two
great cities such as Rouen and Nantes, rich and of great trading.  And the
cause of the plague was by a stinking and infectious exhalation which
lately vapoured out of the abysms, whereof there have died above two and
twenty hundred and threescore thousand and sixteen persons within this
sevennight.  Then I considered, calculated, and found that it was a rank
and unsavoury breathing which came out of Pantagruel's stomach when he did
eat so much garlic, as we have aforesaid.

Parting from thence, I passed amongst the rocks, which were his teeth, and
never left walking till I got up on one of them; and there I found the
pleasantest places in the world, great large tennis-courts, fair galleries,
sweet meadows, store of vines, and an infinite number of banqueting summer
outhouses in the fields, after the Italian fashion, full of pleasure and
delight, where I stayed full four months, and never made better cheer in my
life as then.  After that I went down by the hinder teeth to come to the
chaps.  But in the way I was robbed by thieves in a great forest that is in
the territory towards the ears.  Then, after a little further travelling, I
fell upon a pretty petty village--truly I have forgot the name of it--where
I was yet merrier than ever, and got some certain money to live by.  Can
you tell how?  By sleeping.  For there they hire men by the day to sleep,
and they get by it sixpence a day, but they that can snort hard get at
least ninepence.  How I had been robbed in the valley I informed the
senators, who told me that, in very truth, the people of that side were bad
livers and naturally thievish, whereby I perceived well that, as we have
with us the countries Cisalpine and Transalpine, that is, behither and
beyond the mountains, so have they there the countries Cidentine and
Tradentine, that is, behither and beyond the teeth.  But it is far better
living on this side, and the air is purer.  Then I began to think that it
is very true which is commonly said, that the one half of the world knoweth
not how the other half liveth; seeing none before myself had ever written
of that country, wherein are above five-and-twenty kingdoms inhabited,
besides deserts, and a great arm of the sea.  Concerning which purpose I
have composed a great book, entitled, The History of the Throttias, because
they dwell in the throat of my master Pantagruel.

At last I was willing to return, and, passing by his beard, I cast myself
upon his shoulders, and from thence slid down to the ground, and fell
before him.  As soon as I was perceived by him, he asked me, Whence comest
thou, Alcofribas?  I answered him, Out of your mouth, my lord.  And how
long hast thou been there? said he.  Since the time, said I, that you went
against the Almirods.  That is about six months ago, said he.  And
wherewith didst thou live?  What didst thou drink?  I answered, My lord, of
the same that you did, and of the daintiest morsels that passed through
your throat I took toll.  Yea but, said he, where didst thou shite?  In
your throat, my lord, said I.  Ha, ha! thou art a merry fellow, said he.
We have with the help of God conquered all the land of the Dipsodes; I will
give thee the Chastelleine, or Lairdship of Salmigondin.  Gramercy, my
lord, said I, you gratify me beyond all that I have deserved of you.




How Pantagruel became sick, and the manner how he was recovered.

A while after this the good Pantagruel fell sick, and had such an
obstruction in his stomach that he could neither eat nor drink; and,
because mischief seldom comes alone, a hot piss seized on him, which
tormented him more than you would believe.  His physicians nevertheless
helped him very well, and with store of lenitives and diuretic drugs made
him piss away his pain.  His urine was so hot that since that time it is
not yet cold, and you have of it in divers places of France, according to
the course that it took, and they are called the hot baths, as--

    At Coderets.
    At Limous.
    At Dast.
    At Ballervie (Balleruc).
    At Neric.
  At Bourbonansie, and elsewhere in Italy.
    At Mongros.
    At Appone.
  At Sancto Petro de Padua.
    At St. Helen.
    At Casa Nuova.
  At St. Bartholomew, in the county of Boulogne.
  At the Porrette, and a thousand other places.

And I wonder much at a rabble of foolish philosophers and physicians, who
spend their time in disputing whence the heat of the said waters cometh,
whether it be by reason of borax, or sulphur, or alum, or saltpetre, that
is within the mine.  For they do nothing but dote, and better were it for
them to rub their arse against a thistle than to waste away their time thus
in disputing of that whereof they know not the original; for the resolution
is easy, neither need we to inquire any further than that the said baths
came by a hot piss of the good Pantagruel.

Now to tell you after what manner he was cured of his principal disease.  I
let pass how for a minorative or gentle potion he took four hundred pound
weight of colophoniac scammony, six score and eighteen cartloads of cassia,
an eleven thousand and nine hundred pound weight of rhubarb, besides other
confuse jumblings of sundry drugs.  You must understand that by the advice
of the physicians it was ordained that what did offend his stomach should
be taken away; and therefore they made seventeen great balls of copper,
each whereof was bigger than that which is to be seen on the top of St.
Peter's needle at Rome, and in such sort that they did open in the midst
and shut with a spring.  Into one of them entered one of his men carrying a
lantern and a torch lighted, and so Pantagruel swallowed him down like a
little pill.  Into seven others went seven country-fellows, having every
one of them a shovel on his neck.  Into nine others entered nine
wood-carriers, having each of them a basket hung at his neck, and so were
they swallowed down like pills.  When they were in his stomach, every one
undid his spring, and came out of their cabins.  The first whereof was he
that carried the lantern, and so they fell more than half a league into a
most horrible gulf, more stinking and infectious than ever was Mephitis, or
the marshes of the Camerina, or the abominably unsavoury lake of Sorbona,
whereof Strabo maketh mention.  And had it not been that they had very well
antidoted their stomach, heart, and wine-pot, which is called the noddle,
they had been altogether suffocated and choked with these detestable
vapours.  O what a perfume!  O what an evaporation wherewith to bewray the
masks or mufflers of young mangy queans.  After that, with groping and
smelling they came near to the faecal matter and the corrupted humours.
Finally, they found a montjoy or heap of ordure and filth.  Then fell the
pioneers to work to dig it up, and the rest with their shovels filled the
baskets; and when all was cleansed every one retired himself into his ball.

This done, Pantagruel enforcing himself to vomit, very easily brought them
out, and they made no more show in his mouth than a fart in yours.  But,
when they came merrily out of their pills, I thought upon the Grecians
coming out of the Trojan horse.  By this means was he healed and brought
unto his former state and convalescence; and of these brazen pills, or
rather copper balls, you have one at Orleans, upon the steeple of the Holy
Cross Church.




The conclusion of this present book, and the excuse of the author.

Now, my masters, you have heard a beginning of the horrific history of my
lord and master Pantagruel.  Here will I make an end of the first book.  My
head aches a little, and I perceive that the registers of my brain are
somewhat jumbled and disordered with this Septembral juice.  You shall have
the rest of the history at Frankfort mart next coming, and there shall you
see how Panurge was married and made a cuckold within a month after his
wedding; how Pantagruel found out the philosopher's stone, the manner how
he found it, and the way how to use it; how he passed over the Caspian
mountains, and how he sailed through the Atlantic sea, defeated the
Cannibals, and conquered the isles of Pearls; how he married the daughter
of the King of India, called Presthan; how he fought against the devil and
burnt up five chambers of hell, ransacked the great black chamber, threw
Proserpina into the fire, broke five teeth to Lucifer, and the horn that
was in his arse; how he visited the regions of the moon to know whether
indeed the moon were not entire and whole, or if the women had three
quarters of it in their heads, and a thousand other little merriments all
veritable.  These are brave things truly.  Good night, gentlemen.
Perdonate mi, and think not so much upon my faults that you forget your
own.

If you say to me, Master, it would seem that you were not very wise in
writing to us these flimflam stories and pleasant fooleries; I answer you,
that you are not much wiser to spend your time in reading them.
Nevertheless, if you read them to make yourselves merry, as in manner of
pastime I wrote them, you and I both are far more worthy of pardon than a
great rabble of squint-minded fellows, dissembling and counterfeit saints,
demure lookers, hypocrites, pretended zealots, tough friars, buskin-monks,
and other such sects of men, who disguise themselves like masquers to
deceive the world.  For, whilst they give the common people to understand
that they are busied about nothing but contemplation and devotion in
fastings and maceration of their sensuality--and that only to sustain and
aliment the small frailty of their humanity--it is so far otherwise that,
on the contrary, God knows what cheer they make; Et Curios simulant, sed
Bacchanalia vivunt.  You may read it in great letters in the colouring of
their red snouts, and gulching bellies as big as a tun, unless it be when
they perfume themselves with sulphur.  As for their study, it is wholly
taken up in reading of Pantagruelian books, not so much to pass the time
merrily as to hurt someone or other mischievously, to wit, in articling,
sole-articling, wry-neckifying, buttock-stirring, ballocking, and
diabliculating, that is, calumniating.  Wherein they are like unto the poor
rogues of a village that are busy in stirring up and scraping in the ordure
and filth of little children, in the season of cherries and guinds, and
that only to find the kernels, that they may sell them to the druggists to
make thereof pomander oil.  Fly from these men, abhor and hate them as much
as I do, and upon my faith you will find yourselves the better for it.  And
if you desire to be good Pantagruelists, that is to say, to live in peace,
joy, health, making yourselves always merry, never trust those men that
always peep out at one hole.

End of Book II.






BOOK III.


THE THIRD BOOK


Francois Rabelais to the Soul of the Deceased Queen of Navarre.

  Abstracted soul, ravished with ecstasies,
  Gone back, and now familiar in the skies,
  Thy former host, thy body, leaving quite,
  Which to obey thee always took delight,--
  Obsequious, ready,--now from motion free,
  Senseless, and as it were in apathy,
  Wouldst thou not issue forth for a short space,
  From that divine, eternal, heavenly place,
  To see the third part, in this earthy cell,
  Of the brave acts of good Pantagruel?





Book 2, Chapters 17-34
One day, the narrator finds Panurge looking sad, and he determines that Panurge is no doubt out of money. He questions Panurge and offers to give him some money, but Panurge will only accept a small sum, provided that the narrator go with him to different churches to look at reliquaries. Even though Panurge only has a small amount of money, as far as the narrator knows, Panurge somehow manages to pay money to each of the churches. After their adventure, they rest in a tavern and the narrator discovers that Panurge has somehow acquired a large amount of money. Panurge explains that he has stolen money from each of the churches through sleight-of-hand trickery. The narrator tells him that such actions are sinful, and then Panurge explains to the narrator why his actions are just. Panurge apparently served in the Crusades and provided services to various holy men of rank. Throughout that time, Panurge was promised large sums of money that he was never paid; so, Panurge believes he is getting his just reward. Panurge continues to tell the narrator stories of how he has acquired money over the years through lies and misdirection. One of his stories depicts how he made deals with some of the least attractive women around. Supposedly, these women were sexually promiscuous in their youth, and, as a result, never found husbands. His deals with these women included giving them money so that he could sell them as brides to drunkards. To do so, however, Panurge jokes that he had to cover the women's heads with bags. Panurge then tells the narrator how he has made many small fortunes by running scams in court, especially through frivolous lawsuits. While he has made money through these scams, Panurge comments that he has also lost money, since he has to invest money into the scams to make them work. The narrator concludes that while Panurge's many schemes do make him money, the only reason he has so many scams is because Panurge spends his money as quickly as he makes it, either by spending it on drink, women, or other materialistic trifles. Meanwhile, Thaumast, a learned man from England, has come to Paris to converse with Pantagruel. He has heard of Pantagruel's amazing intellect, and he wishes to discuss some of the greatest mysteries with Pantagruel. Before he can do so, however, he must test Pantagruel's intellect. He explains that if Pantagruel is truly as intelligent as people say, than he, Thaumast will forever pledge loyalty and servitude to Pantagruel, provided Pantagruel passes the challenge. For the challenge, Thaumast and Pantagruel will debate, but they will not do so with words, and instead will only use signs via hand gestures. Pantagruel agrees to the challenge, and the two men go to their dwellings to prepare. During the night, Pantagruel fears he will not prove worthy, and begins to study his books obsessively. Panurge tells Pantagruel that he worries too much. He then begs Pantagruel to let him take his place in the debate, for he is Pantagruel's student, so his ability to debate will prove Pantagruel's supremacy. Pantagruel agrees to Panurge's logic. The following day at the debate, Pantagruel announces that his student, Panurge, will take his place in the debate, if Thaumast agrees. Thaumast does agree, and the debate begins. While Thaumast starts the debate in perhaps a semi-serious manner, Panurge moves the debate into the lowbrow arena, as he uses gestures that signify derogatory statements and lewd sexual acts. Nevertheless, Thaumast responds, and the two go back and forth with their hand gestures until finally Thaumast declares that Panurge in indeed a master debater, and that his teacher, Pantagruel, has passed the challenge. Thaumast swears that he will write up a treatise explaining all the meanings to the signs, so that everyone can understand what was discussed, but the narrator does not include this information, and instead implies that the reader should go and find Thaumast's publication. Later on, Panurge becomes infatuated with a particular lady of Paris, although her name is never given. The woman is noted as incredibly beautiful and kind, but also married. Panurge tells her that he is pained by his love for her, and that he must be with her; yet she refuses again and again. Panurge persists on hounding her and trying to convince her to have sex with him. She refuses him openly, claiming that she will call out for help if he does not stop, and even threatens to tell her husband. Panurge acts as if he has given up on her. In the meantime, he finds a female dog that is in heat, takes it home, kills it, and then harvests the scent glands from the dog. The following day, during a religious ceremony, Panurge sits near the woman he has been pursuing. He says nothing to her, but secretly sprinkles her with the female dog's scent. Shortly thereafter, every male dog in the city comes to the woman to harass her and urinate upon her. Panurge is quite proud of his trick, and tells Pantagruel to come and see how all the dogs in the city have come to harass this woman. It is unclear whether Pantagruel knows that Panurge orchestrated the entire cruel prank, since Panurge never claims responsibility within the text. On a different note, Pantagruel receives word that his father has gone to visit the land of the fairies, presumably Avalon, just as King Arthur and Ogier the Dane had done. On top of this news, Pantagruel learns that the Dipsodes have invaded Pantagruel's homeland. Pantagruel and all of his comrades leave Paris in such a hurry that Pantagruel is unable to bid farewell to anyone, including the unnamed woman he had been courting. In response to his lack of goodbyes, this unnamed woman sends him a message that includes a gold ring and a piece of paper, but no message on the paper. At first, Panurge believes there is a secret message, but after trying method after method to uncover any secret words, he determines that no such message exists. As nothing appears to be written on the piece of paper, Pantagruel and everyone else examine the ring to find an inscription in Hebrew that translates into, "Wherefore hast thou forsaken me?" Panurge identifies that the diamond is false, therefore the entire message is "false lover, wherefore hast thou forsaken me?" Pantagruel feels guilty for having left his sweetheart without having said goodbye, but Pantagruel's friends tell him there is no time, and that it is better to save his homeland than to waste more time, to which Pantagruel agrees. All of Pantagruel's companions, Panurge, Carpalin, Eusthenes, and Epistemon, each pledge absolute loyalty to Pantagruel and to the cause of saving Pantagruel's homeland. They realize that the battle will be difficult, but each of them claims to have different skills that will prove valuable in the field of battle. Upon sailing to the land, they discover that six hundred and threescore horsemen plan to attack them onshore. Pantagruel is ready to fight, but his friends tell him to stay behind in the boat to let them prove themselves to him. Pantagruel agrees, and sits back to watch his friends fight the invading armies. Through the use of traps and great cunning, Panurge, Carpalin, Eusthenes, and Epistemon lay waste to the armies, and manage to capture one of the soldiers, who they plan to interrogate to find out more about the armies of the Dipsodes. Once on land, Carpalin goes hunting and catches a large deer, and several other large and small game animals, providing enough food for all to feast over their victory. Pantagruel and Panurge interrogate the prisoner, and discover that the Dipsodes have a massive army that includes giants, although the giants are not as big as Pantagruel. The leader of the army is also a giant who is certainly a match for Pantagruel, and his name is Loupgarou. The prisoner also explains that the King of the Dipsodes, Anarchus, is also traveling with the armies. Lastly, the prisoner tells Pantagruel and Panurge about how the army has thousands of soldiers of every type, along with support workers and even 150,000 whores. Panurge, of course, makes countless crass jokes about how he will join the battle just to get to the women. His comrades also joke about how they wish to have their turn with these women. Pantagruel decides that he will release the prisoner, but he commands the prisoner to return to his own King and tell Anarchus that Pantagruel and his mighty army are coming to fight them. Pantagruel exaggerates the size of his army in hopes that the prisoner will frighten Anarchus into acting rashly. Pantagruel also tells the prisoner that his army will arrive at noon the following day. Unfortunately, Pantagruel does such a good job at frightening the prisoner that the prisoner begs Pantagruel to let him stay as their prisoner forever instead of going back to Anarchus and eventually having to fight Pantagruel's army. Pantagruel refuses to let the prisoner stay, because he needs the prisoner to go and spread the word of Pantagruel's fictitious forces who will be arriving at noon. Pantagruel needs the prisoner to do so, since it will make the enemy armies expect the fight to start at a later time, which will allow Pantagruel and his actual armies to strike at their enemies when they least expect it. Since Pantagruel's actual armies are so much smaller than King Anarchus' armies, Pantagruel must depend on cleverness and the element of surprise to win the day. In addition to sending the prisoner back to Anarchus, Pantagruel gives the prisoner a gift to give to the King, and that gift is a strange mixture of herbs. Pantagruel tells the prisoner that if his King can take a spoonful of these herbs in his mouth and still command his armies afterwards, then Pantagruel himself will forfeit his lands and rights to King Anarchus. The prisoner returns to King Anarchus and warns him of Pantagruel and his immense army. The prisoner also gives Anarchus the gift and explains what Pantagruel has stated. Anarchus takes a spoonful of the mixture, but in doing so his throat seizes up with immense heat and dryness, making him unable to speak. His counselors try to give him drink to help him, but that only makes it worse. His counselors then decide that they shall try the challenge and take a spoonful of the mixture, but all of them suffer the same way as Anarchus. After recovering from the spice challenge, Anarchus and his military leader, Loupgarou, decide to prepare the men to fight immediately the following day at noon, as the prisoner has foretold. Back at Pantagruel's camp, Pantagruel and his friends make ready to leave for battle. Before they do so, they build monuments to the battle that occurred the previous day. They also make poetry about those battles and monuments, and enjoy each other's company. At one point, Pantagruel's friends are jumping about and bragging about their oncoming victory. In doing so, Pantagruel farts, which produces such a deafening sound and unnerving smell that it creates little people, both men and women. Pantagruel's friends are astounded that Pantagruel's passing of wind can create life, and they all decide to have the little people marry one another and start their own race, which they call the pygmies. After being satisfied with the monument and the creation of a new race, Pantagruel, his companions, and their soldiers make way to the big battle. They decide to move in and attack the enemy armies during the morning hours when their enemy is still asleep or hung-over from the pre-war festivities. On the way to the battle, Panurge convinces Pantagruel that the men should drink white wine to prepare themselves to fight. Panurge also has Pantagruel eat and drink certain items that will make him have highly acidic urine. When they arrive in the enemy territory, Pantagruel's friend and footmen, Carpalin, stealthily sneaks through the enemy camp to set fires and blow up the enemy's ammunitions. Before the fires and explosions are out of control, and while the enemy still sleeps, each man sleeping with his mouth open, Pantagruel urinates his acidic urine on to the enemy, drowning many of them. The fires and the explosions burned the majority of those who survived the urine. With a large portion of the regular soldiers killed or incapacitated, King Anarchus' legion of giants come to the fray, led by Loupgarou. Instead of all-out warfare between Pantagruel's army and this army of giants, Panurge steps in and somehow negotiates a battle between Loupgarou and Pantagruel. Loupgarou agrees and commands his giants to stay put and not assist him during the battle, else they shall be severely punished. Loupgarou and Pantagruel begin to fight, but Loupgarou possesses an enchanted mace, which gives him an unfair advantage. Nevertheless, Pantagruel holds his own for quite some time. When it appears that their leader, Loupgarou, is losing the battle, the giants decide to get involved against orders. Pantagruel sees the enemy giants approaching, so he picks up Loupgarou's body and uses it as a weapon to obliterate the giants. Pantagruel wins the day, but not without casualties. His dear friend, teacher, and tutor, Epistemon, has been decapitated in battle. While Pantagruel and the others mourn over there fallen compatriot, Panurge insists that they move Epistemon's body if they wish to save him. Through use of herbs and perhaps magic, Panurge sews on Epistemon's head and brings him back to life. Besides having a somewhat hoarse voice and having the need to drink far more heavily than before, Epistemon is completely healed. Epistemon then regales everyone with his story about what he saw in the land of the dead. In a nutshell, Epistemon saw all of the famous members of royalty and heroes performing mundane, boring, every-day duties. All of the philosophers and dedicated scholars, on the other hand, were held above and praised. After Pantagruel is satisfied with his friend, Epistemon, being fully healed, he and his friends begin to celebrate. Panurge notices that King Anarchus refuses to be joyous, having just lost the battle, and so Panurge asks Pantagruel what they should do about the King. Pantagruel does not seem to care about Anarchus' fate, and therefore states that King Anarchus will be Panurge's prisoner, and that Panurge may do what he likes with him. In the city of Amaurots, which is the city that was invaded by Anarchus' armies, Pantagruel discovers that all of the refugees have gathered there, and that there is not enough room to house everyone. Therefore, Pantagruel decides that he will take over Anarchus' country, the country of the Dipsodes, and give it to all of the people and refugees of Amaurots, so that they may have a place to live and thrive. With Anarchus as his prisoner, Panurge decides to punish him in a manner inspired by Epistemon's tale of the afterlife. Therefore, Panurge turns the King into a threadbare pauper and makes him sell green sauce throughout the town. To further embarrass and demean Anarchus, Panurge marries him to an old woman who carries a lantern. According to all reports, the old woman is abusive to her new husband, and Anarchus is apparently too bewildered or befuddled to defend himself from her. The following day, Pantagruel decides that he and his armies will take over the country of the Dipsodes. As they march, they also travel with all the people of Amaurots. A great rainstorm hits, and Pantagruel must cover everyone. The narrator of the story, who finally reveals his name as Alcofribas, explains that he was the last to try and find cover under Pantagruel, and therefore could not find sufficient cover. Pantagruel tries to provide even more protection to everyone by sticking his tongue out to further shelter the people on the ground. Alcofribas decides he will climb into Pantagruel's mouth to find shelter there. Within Pantagruel's enormous mouth, however, Alcofribas discovers a thriving world. Within each different part of the mouth is a different region, and everything that Pantagruel eats or drinks feeds not only the region but also the people who live within this strange other world. Alcofribas stays inside Pantagruel's mouth exploring for some six months before he finally comes out. Pantagruel asks him where he has been, and Alcofribas tells him of his journeys. In the conversation, Alcofribas learns how long he has been traveling, and that he missed the siege of the Dipsode's country. Shortly thereafter, Pantagruel becomes incredibly ill. The doctors give him medical remedies to help him urinate out his illness. In doing so, Pantagruel's hot urine accidentally creates the hot springs all throughout France and parts of Italy. Although the treatments have made Pantagruel much better, he still suffers from stomach pains. The doctors decide they must remove whatever is ailing Pantagruel's stomach, and so they along with other craftsmen construct giant copper balls that look like medicinal capsules, in which workers will use to travel safely into Pantagruel stomach to dig out whatever ails him. With all of the metal capsules locked and attached to one another by rope, Pantagruel swallows them down into his stomach, and inside his stomach the workers find the mass of wretched filth blocking the bottom of his gut. The workers dig it all out to cure Pantagruel of his ailments. After they complete their mission, Pantagruel vomits all of them out safely, and he is well thereafter. At the end of book 2, the narrator provides a teaser of what adventures will happen in the following books. The narrator also makes a note that these stories are meant for the true Pantagruelists, who wish to "live in peace, joy, health, making yourselves always merry," . If anyone should find fault with these stories otherwise, then they are not the intended audience, and therefore have no right to ruin the stories for others.
The absence of women and the negativity toward women is a predominant theme in the last half of the second book. There very few women in this portion of the story, and the women who do appear typically remain unnamed. For example, the woman Panurge falls madly in love with and the woman who Pantagruel supposedly courts are never identified by name or social rank. Denying these women their names makes the side stories in which they are involved seem flat and unimportant, even though these side stories are included for the specific purpose of developing the main characters. For example, the narrator presents Panurge as a man who has sex with hundreds of women, yet he falls in love with the one woman who completely rejects him. Surely, such a woman who could not be wooed by such a womanizer deserves a proper name. Similarly, Pantagruel, the main character of the story, supposedly courts some woman, yet the narrator never reveals the tale of their romance. The relationship with this woman could not have been just some tryst or fling, for that would go against Pantagruel's character. In addition, the woman is so distraught upon Pantagruel abandoning her that she sends him a letter and a ring with a secret message that he must decipher. If the relationship were trivial or short-lived, sending Pantagruel such an elaborate puzzle would seem strange. If Pantagruel tricked this woman into believing he cared for her more deeply than his true feelings, then that would reveal a side of Pantagruel the reader has never seen, which would warrant even more reason for the woman to have a name. As if letting so many female characters walk around unnamed was not problematic enough, the overall negativity toward women within the framework of the story cannot be ignored. Throughout this book as well as in the third book, women are consistently describe as unfaithful and untrustworthy. When examining the walls of the city, Panurge even makes a crass comment that the city leaders could save money if they built the walls with female sexual organs, since the women offer their parts up so quickly or for such a cheap price. The negative perspective of women's promiscuity, as presented in this book, implies that these male characters, Panurge specifically, have no faith in the opposite sex, which is why many of these characters continually demean women and identify them as practically less than human. Even when the characters come in contact with a virtuous woman, such as the woman who resists Panurge, they cannot see her for what she represents. As they have constructed such negative and misogynistic views toward women, they have simultaneously created a twisted social perspective that deprives women of their subjectivity and reconstructs them as objects for members of the patriarchy to use or abuse. When a woman challenges this paradigm, as the virtuous woman does by remaining loyal to her husband, her existence as a woman of integrity disrupts the constructed social perspective. Thus, to maintain power within a social structure that places women as subordinate objects, a member of the patriarchy, Panurge, must punish this woman in a way so public that all the other women witness the level of shame and torment. The public display also serves to discredit the virtuous woman, because it makes people question how something so horrific could happen to a good person, therefore, in a Renaissance belief structure, the public assumes that the virtuous woman must have done something wrong to receive such punishment. The negative objectification of women, perhaps overemphasized as a result of the absence of women, continues throughout the story. For example, when the captured Dipsode soldier tells Pantagruel and his companions about King Anarchus's massive army and followers, he mentions that Anarchus has also brought 150,000 whores along for the duration of the battle. Panurge instantly claims the whores for himself, as if they were nothing but toys to be used, and then the other male characters, Carpalin, Eusthenes, and Epistemon, join in on joking about who will take possession of the pretty whores, the fat whores, or the ugly whores. Pantagruel does not state which of the whores he would desire, but he laughs at the jokes the other men make, which could imply that he sees nothing questionable in his comrades' actions of objectifying and claiming these women. The men then appear to forget their promises to Pantagruel or their oaths to protect Pantagruel's homelands, and instead their entire motivation for war seems solely based on this opportunity to claim these women as the spoils of war. Even if these women were voluntary prostitutes, and even if Panurge and his friends planned on paying these women for services rendered, the fact that the women are objectified by their levels of attractiveness and further reduced to their biological function to please men sexually further demeans them and diminishes the role of women in this story. Moving away from this discussion concerning the role of women within the story, or the lack thereof, we can look at the role of each of the male characters, since the story rests on this male-dominant structure. Of all the male characters other than the main character, Panurge receives the most attention within this part of the story. Although many elements symbolize Panurge's character, Florence M. Weinberg points out how Panurge's codpiece represents perhaps the best identifying symbol. During the Renaissance, more decorative codpieces, such as Panurge's, allowed males to announce sexual virility and, to some extent, a lascivious nature. Of course, the enlarged, ornate nature of the codpiece could represent a mask, since it hides the truth of his ability. By wearing such an "astonishing braguette," Panurge need not show his true self and can, instead, play the cad without fear of repercussions . He even uses his codpiece as a prop to distract onlookers from his true self. As Weinberg explains, during the battle of wits through signs with Thaumast, Panurge utilizes his groin and codpiece to make the contest as debauched as possible, therefore taking matters out of the intellectual arena, and putting the mask of Panurge's codpiece and everything it represents on center stage. Perhaps Rabelais designed Panurge in this fashion to provide a better foil for Pantagruel. After all, Weinberg argues that, "as foil to Pantagruel,  role often caricatures his master's," implying that Panurge may be channeling a darker part of his master, and therefore acts out what Pantagruel cannot, due to Pantagruel's status as sovereign . Perhaps Panurge's ability to act out these darker impulses explains his friendship with Pantagruel, since Pantagruel can live vicariously through his servant. It may also explain why Rabelais chose not to disclose Pantagruel's relationship with his lover, since his darker impulses must be hidden behind the foil mask of Panurge. To maintain Pantagruel's reputation, it makes sense why Rabelais might choose to hide Pantagruel's affairs and instead offer his readers the elaborate side story that describes Panurge's pursuits of the virtuous woman.