finished_summaries/shmoop/The Brothers Karamazov/section_77_part_0.txt
The Brothers Karamazov.book 11.chapter 9
book 11, chapter 9
{"name": "Book 11, Chapter 9", "url": "https://web.archive.org/web/20201023112808/https://www.shmoop.com/study-guides/literature/brothers-karamazov/summary/book-11-chapter-9", "summary": "Poof! The devil! Well, not with the horns and pitchfork and flames and all that. Ivan's Satan appears in the manner of a mild-mannered, impoverished, elderly gentleman sitting amiably on his sofa. Ivan sternly tells the nice old man that he's just a figment of everything that's base and, above all, stupid in his imagination, but the devil insists on his reality. The devil reminds him that he had gone to see Smerdyakov to find out what he had told Katerina, which he still doesn't know. But Ivan tells the devil that this is no proof of the devil's existence: the devil only remembers this point because Ivan was about to. Ivan then decides to wet a towel and place it on his head. Of course - wouldn't you if you were sitting across from the devil? The devil then reminds Ivan that he had once accused Alyosha of spying on their conversations . Ivan admits that this was a momentary lapse, but insists that the devil is still a hallucination. The devil goes on to tell some silly stories about himself and his adventures incarnated on earth. He wants nothing more than to be a simple \"fat, 250-pound merchant's wife\" and light candles to God, but instead he ends up with rheumatism. Ivan decides the wet towel is useless and throws it away. The devil complains about catching a cold while flying through the freezing heavens. But he was fortunately cured by Hoff's extract of malt. Ivan rejects all of these anecdotes as stupid. The devil justifies his existence by claiming he exists only to \"negate,\" to create doubt, because if everything was meaningful, there would be no more events. He tells the story of a philosopher who all his life denied the existence of an afterlife. Upon his death, he discovered there was an afterlife, but he refused to go to heaven because it went against his convictions. He was then sentenced to walk a quadrillion kilometers as punishment, but since this also went against his convictions, he refused to walk. After a thousand years, he decided, oh heck, I'll walk. Once he got to heaven he sang its praises enthusiastically. Ivan again rejects the devil - the anecdote wasn't his, it was a story Ivan made up when he was 17. The devil tells another couple of stories: the first is about a man who lost his nose to some dreadful disease. The man complained to his priest that he wanted his nose back, but the priest told him that, hey, at least without your nose you won't have to worry about your nose being \"out of joint\" about its being out of joint ever again. Pretty punny. The second story is about a young floozy who confesses to her priest that she has slept with a man. After her confession, the priest and the floozy set up a booty call. Ivan just becomes more and more infuriated by the devil's stupid stories . The devil continues to mock his philosophy and his writings to his face, including the one about the Grand Inquisitor. At his wit's end, Ivan throws an inkstand at the devil. Their conversation is interrupted by a knock at the window. Suddenly Ivan feels as if he's been tied to his chair. He breaks free from what seem to be imaginary bonds and opens the window. It's Alyosha, and Ivan lets him in. Alyosha announces that Smerdyakov has hanged himself.", "analysis": ""}
Chapter IX. The Devil. Ivan's Nightmare


I am not a doctor, but yet I feel that the moment has come when I must
inevitably give the reader some account of the nature of Ivan's illness.
Anticipating events I can say at least one thing: he was at that moment on
the very eve of an attack of brain fever. Though his health had long been
affected, it had offered a stubborn resistance to the fever which in the
end gained complete mastery over it. Though I know nothing of medicine, I
venture to hazard the suggestion that he really had perhaps, by a terrible
effort of will, succeeded in delaying the attack for a time, hoping, of
course, to check it completely. He knew that he was unwell, but he loathed
the thought of being ill at that fatal time, at the approaching crisis in
his life, when he needed to have all his wits about him, to say what he
had to say boldly and resolutely and "to justify himself to himself."

He had, however, consulted the new doctor, who had been brought from
Moscow by a fantastic notion of Katerina Ivanovna's to which I have
referred already. After listening to him and examining him the doctor came
to the conclusion that he was actually suffering from some disorder of the
brain, and was not at all surprised by an admission which Ivan had
reluctantly made him. "Hallucinations are quite likely in your condition,"
the doctor opined, "though it would be better to verify them ... you must
take steps at once, without a moment's delay, or things will go badly with
you." But Ivan did not follow this judicious advice and did not take to
his bed to be nursed. "I am walking about, so I am strong enough, if I
drop, it'll be different then, any one may nurse me who likes," he
decided, dismissing the subject.

And so he was sitting almost conscious himself of his delirium and, as I
have said already, looking persistently at some object on the sofa against
the opposite wall. Some one appeared to be sitting there, though goodness
knows how he had come in, for he had not been in the room when Ivan came
into it, on his return from Smerdyakov. This was a person or, more
accurately speaking, a Russian gentleman of a particular kind, no longer
young, _qui faisait la cinquantaine_, as the French say, with rather long,
still thick, dark hair, slightly streaked with gray and a small pointed
beard. He was wearing a brownish reefer jacket, rather shabby, evidently
made by a good tailor though, and of a fashion at least three years old,
that had been discarded by smart and well-to-do people for the last two
years. His linen and his long scarf-like neck-tie were all such as are
worn by people who aim at being stylish, but on closer inspection his
linen was not over-clean and his wide scarf was very threadbare. The
visitor's check trousers were of excellent cut, but were too light in
color and too tight for the present fashion. His soft fluffy white hat was
out of keeping with the season.

In brief there was every appearance of gentility on straitened means. It
looked as though the gentleman belonged to that class of idle landowners
who used to flourish in the times of serfdom. He had unmistakably been, at
some time, in good and fashionable society, had once had good connections,
had possibly preserved them indeed, but, after a gay youth, becoming
gradually impoverished on the abolition of serfdom, he had sunk into the
position of a poor relation of the best class, wandering from one good old
friend to another and received by them for his companionable and
accommodating disposition and as being, after all, a gentleman who could
be asked to sit down with any one, though, of course, not in a place of
honor. Such gentlemen of accommodating temper and dependent position, who
can tell a story, take a hand at cards, and who have a distinct aversion
for any duties that may be forced upon them, are usually solitary
creatures, either bachelors or widowers. Sometimes they have children, but
if so, the children are always being brought up at a distance, at some
aunt's, to whom these gentlemen never allude in good society, seeming
ashamed of the relationship. They gradually lose sight of their children
altogether, though at intervals they receive a birthday or Christmas
letter from them and sometimes even answer it.

The countenance of the unexpected visitor was not so much good-natured, as
accommodating and ready to assume any amiable expression as occasion might
arise. He had no watch, but he had a tortoise-shell lorgnette on a black
ribbon. On the middle finger of his right hand was a massive gold ring
with a cheap opal stone in it.

Ivan was angrily silent and would not begin the conversation. The visitor
waited and sat exactly like a poor relation who had come down from his
room to keep his host company at tea, and was discreetly silent, seeing
that his host was frowning and preoccupied. But he was ready for any
affable conversation as soon as his host should begin it. All at once his
face expressed a sudden solicitude.

"I say," he began to Ivan, "excuse me, I only mention it to remind you.
You went to Smerdyakov's to find out about Katerina Ivanovna, but you came
away without finding out anything about her, you probably forgot--"

"Ah, yes," broke from Ivan and his face grew gloomy with uneasiness. "Yes,
I'd forgotten ... but it doesn't matter now, never mind, till to-morrow,"
he muttered to himself, "and you," he added, addressing his visitor, "I
should have remembered that myself in a minute, for that was just what was
tormenting me! Why do you interfere, as if I should believe that you
prompted me, and that I didn't remember it of myself?"

"Don't believe it then," said the gentleman, smiling amicably, "what's the
good of believing against your will? Besides, proofs are no help to
believing, especially material proofs. Thomas believed, not because he saw
Christ risen, but because he wanted to believe, before he saw. Look at the
spiritualists, for instance.... I am very fond of them ... only fancy,
they imagine that they are serving the cause of religion, because the
devils show them their horns from the other world. That, they say, is a
material proof, so to speak, of the existence of another world. The other
world and material proofs, what next! And if you come to that, does
proving there's a devil prove that there's a God? I want to join an
idealist society, I'll lead the opposition in it, I'll say I am a realist,
but not a materialist, he he!"

"Listen," Ivan suddenly got up from the table. "I seem to be delirious....
I am delirious, in fact, talk any nonsense you like, I don't care! You
won't drive me to fury, as you did last time. But I feel somehow
ashamed.... I want to walk about the room.... I sometimes don't see you
and don't even hear your voice as I did last time, but I always guess what
you are prating, for it's I, _I myself speaking, not you_. Only I don't
know whether I was dreaming last time or whether I really saw you. I'll
wet a towel and put it on my head and perhaps you'll vanish into air."

Ivan went into the corner, took a towel, and did as he said, and with a
wet towel on his head began walking up and down the room.

"I am so glad you treat me so familiarly," the visitor began.

"Fool," laughed Ivan, "do you suppose I should stand on ceremony with you?
I am in good spirits now, though I've a pain in my forehead ... and in the
top of my head ... only please don't talk philosophy, as you did last
time. If you can't take yourself off, talk of something amusing. Talk
gossip, you are a poor relation, you ought to talk gossip. What a
nightmare to have! But I am not afraid of you. I'll get the better of you.
I won't be taken to a mad-house!"

"_C'est charmant_, poor relation. Yes, I am in my natural shape. For what
am I on earth but a poor relation? By the way, I am listening to you and
am rather surprised to find you are actually beginning to take me for
something real, not simply your fancy, as you persisted in declaring last
time--"

"Never for one minute have I taken you for reality," Ivan cried with a
sort of fury. "You are a lie, you are my illness, you are a phantom. It's
only that I don't know how to destroy you and I see I must suffer for a
time. You are my hallucination. You are the incarnation of myself, but
only of one side of me ... of my thoughts and feelings, but only the
nastiest and stupidest of them. From that point of view you might be of
interest to me, if only I had time to waste on you--"

"Excuse me, excuse me, I'll catch you. When you flew out at Alyosha under
the lamp-post this evening and shouted to him, 'You learnt it from _him_!
How do you know that _he_ visits me?' you were thinking of me then. So for
one brief moment you did believe that I really exist," the gentleman
laughed blandly.

"Yes, that was a moment of weakness ... but I couldn't believe in you. I
don't know whether I was asleep or awake last time. Perhaps I was only
dreaming then and didn't see you really at all--"

"And why were you so surly with Alyosha just now? He is a dear; I've
treated him badly over Father Zossima."

"Don't talk of Alyosha! How dare you, you flunkey!" Ivan laughed again.

"You scold me, but you laugh--that's a good sign. But you are ever so much
more polite than you were last time and I know why: that great resolution
of yours--"

"Don't speak of my resolution," cried Ivan, savagely.

"I understand, I understand, _c'est noble, c'est charmant_, you are going
to defend your brother and to sacrifice yourself ... _C'est
chevaleresque_."

"Hold your tongue, I'll kick you!"

"I shan't be altogether sorry, for then my object will be attained. If you
kick me, you must believe in my reality, for people don't kick ghosts.
Joking apart, it doesn't matter to me, scold if you like, though it's
better to be a trifle more polite even to me. 'Fool, flunkey!' what
words!"

"Scolding you, I scold myself," Ivan laughed again, "you are myself,
myself, only with a different face. You just say what I am thinking ...
and are incapable of saying anything new!"

"If I am like you in my way of thinking, it's all to my credit," the
gentleman declared, with delicacy and dignity.

"You choose out only my worst thoughts, and what's more, the stupid ones.
You are stupid and vulgar. You are awfully stupid. No, I can't put up with
you! What am I to do, what am I to do?" Ivan said through his clenched
teeth.

"My dear friend, above all things I want to behave like a gentleman and to
be recognized as such," the visitor began in an excess of deprecating and
simple-hearted pride, typical of a poor relation. "I am poor, but ... I
won't say very honest, but ... it's an axiom generally accepted in society
that I am a fallen angel. I certainly can't conceive how I can ever have
been an angel. If I ever was, it must have been so long ago that there's
no harm in forgetting it. Now I only prize the reputation of being a
gentlemanly person and live as I can, trying to make myself agreeable. I
love men genuinely, I've been greatly calumniated! Here when I stay with
you from time to time, my life gains a kind of reality and that's what I
like most of all. You see, like you, I suffer from the fantastic and so I
love the realism of earth. Here, with you, everything is circumscribed,
here all is formulated and geometrical, while we have nothing but
indeterminate equations! I wander about here dreaming. I like dreaming.
Besides, on earth I become superstitious. Please don't laugh, that's just
what I like, to become superstitious. I adopt all your habits here: I've
grown fond of going to the public baths, would you believe it? and I go
and steam myself with merchants and priests. What I dream of is becoming
incarnate once for all and irrevocably in the form of some merchant's wife
weighing eighteen stone, and of believing all she believes. My ideal is to
go to church and offer a candle in simple-hearted faith, upon my word it
is. Then there would be an end to my sufferings. I like being doctored
too; in the spring there was an outbreak of smallpox and I went and was
vaccinated in a foundling hospital--if only you knew how I enjoyed myself
that day. I subscribed ten roubles in the cause of the Slavs!... But you
are not listening. Do you know, you are not at all well this evening? I
know you went yesterday to that doctor ... well, what about your health?
What did the doctor say?"

"Fool!" Ivan snapped out.

"But you are clever, anyway. You are scolding again? I didn't ask out of
sympathy. You needn't answer. Now rheumatism has come in again--"

"Fool!" repeated Ivan.

"You keep saying the same thing; but I had such an attack of rheumatism
last year that I remember it to this day."

"The devil have rheumatism!"

"Why not, if I sometimes put on fleshly form? I put on fleshly form and I
take the consequences. Satan _sum et nihil humanum a me alienum puto_."

"What, what, Satan _sum et nihil humanum_ ... that's not bad for the
devil!"

"I am glad I've pleased you at last."

"But you didn't get that from me." Ivan stopped suddenly, seeming struck.
"That never entered my head, that's strange."

"_C'est du nouveau, n'est-ce pas?_ This time I'll act honestly and explain
to you. Listen, in dreams and especially in nightmares, from indigestion
or anything, a man sees sometimes such artistic visions, such complex and
real actuality, such events, even a whole world of events, woven into such
a plot, with such unexpected details from the most exalted matters to the
last button on a cuff, as I swear Leo Tolstoy has never invented. Yet such
dreams are sometimes seen not by writers, but by the most ordinary people,
officials, journalists, priests.... The subject is a complete enigma. A
statesman confessed to me, indeed, that all his best ideas came to him
when he was asleep. Well, that's how it is now, though I am your
hallucination, yet just as in a nightmare, I say original things which had
not entered your head before. So I don't repeat your ideas, yet I am only
your nightmare, nothing more."

"You are lying, your aim is to convince me you exist apart and are not my
nightmare, and now you are asserting you are a dream."

"My dear fellow, I've adopted a special method to-day, I'll explain it to
you afterwards. Stay, where did I break off? Oh, yes! I caught cold then,
only not here but yonder."

"Where is yonder? Tell me, will you be here long? Can't you go away?" Ivan
exclaimed almost in despair. He ceased walking to and fro, sat down on the
sofa, leaned his elbows on the table again and held his head tight in both
hands. He pulled the wet towel off and flung it away in vexation. It was
evidently of no use.

"Your nerves are out of order," observed the gentleman, with a carelessly
easy, though perfectly polite, air. "You are angry with me even for being
able to catch cold, though it happened in a most natural way. I was
hurrying then to a diplomatic _soiree_ at the house of a lady of high rank
in Petersburg, who was aiming at influence in the Ministry. Well, an
evening suit, white tie, gloves, though I was God knows where and had to
fly through space to reach your earth.... Of course, it took only an
instant, but you know a ray of light from the sun takes full eight
minutes, and fancy in an evening suit and open waistcoat. Spirits don't
freeze, but when one's in fleshly form, well ... in brief, I didn't think,
and set off, and you know in those ethereal spaces, in the water that is
above the firmament, there's such a frost ... at least one can't call it
frost, you can fancy, 150 degrees below zero! You know the game the
village girls play--they invite the unwary to lick an ax in thirty degrees
of frost, the tongue instantly freezes to it and the dupe tears the skin
off, so it bleeds. But that's only in 30 degrees, in 150 degrees I imagine
it would be enough to put your finger on the ax and it would be the end of
it ... if only there could be an ax there."

"And can there be an ax there?" Ivan interrupted, carelessly and
disdainfully. He was exerting himself to the utmost not to believe in the
delusion and not to sink into complete insanity.

"An ax?" the guest interrupted in surprise.

"Yes, what would become of an ax there?" Ivan cried suddenly, with a sort
of savage and insistent obstinacy.

"What would become of an ax in space? _Quelle idee!_ If it were to fall to
any distance, it would begin, I think, flying round the earth without
knowing why, like a satellite. The astronomers would calculate the rising
and the setting of the ax, _Gatzuk_ would put it in his calendar, that's
all."

"You are stupid, awfully stupid," said Ivan peevishly. "Fib more cleverly
or I won't listen. You want to get the better of me by realism, to
convince me that you exist, but I don't want to believe you exist! I won't
believe it!"

"But I am not fibbing, it's all the truth; the truth is unhappily hardly
ever amusing. I see you persist in expecting something big of me, and
perhaps something fine. That's a great pity, for I only give what I can--"

"Don't talk philosophy, you ass!"

"Philosophy, indeed, when all my right side is numb and I am moaning and
groaning. I've tried all the medical faculty: they can diagnose
beautifully, they have the whole of your disease at their finger-tips, but
they've no idea how to cure you. There was an enthusiastic little student
here, 'You may die,' said he, 'but you'll know perfectly what disease you
are dying of!' And then what a way they have sending people to
specialists! 'We only diagnose,' they say, 'but go to such-and-such a
specialist, he'll cure you.' The old doctor who used to cure all sorts of
disease has completely disappeared, I assure you, now there are only
specialists and they all advertise in the newspapers. If anything is wrong
with your nose, they send you to Paris: there, they say, is a European
specialist who cures noses. If you go to Paris, he'll look at your nose; I
can only cure your right nostril, he'll tell you, for I don't cure the
left nostril, that's not my speciality, but go to Vienna, there there's a
specialist who will cure your left nostril. What are you to do? I fell
back on popular remedies, a German doctor advised me to rub myself with
honey and salt in the bath-house. Solely to get an extra bath I went,
smeared myself all over and it did me no good at all. In despair I wrote
to Count Mattei in Milan. He sent me a book and some drops, bless him,
and, only fancy, Hoff's malt extract cured me! I bought it by accident,
drank a bottle and a half of it, and I was ready to dance, it took it away
completely. I made up my mind to write to the papers to thank him, I was
prompted by a feeling of gratitude, and only fancy, it led to no end of a
bother: not a single paper would take my letter. 'It would be very
reactionary,' they said, 'no one will believe it. _Le diable n'existe
point._ You'd better remain anonymous,' they advised me. What use is a
letter of thanks if it's anonymous? I laughed with the men at the
newspaper office; 'It's reactionary to believe in God in our days,' I
said, 'but I am the devil, so I may be believed in.' 'We quite understand
that,' they said. 'Who doesn't believe in the devil? Yet it won't do, it
might injure our reputation. As a joke, if you like.' But I thought as a
joke it wouldn't be very witty. So it wasn't printed. And do you know, I
have felt sore about it to this day. My best feelings, gratitude, for
instance, are literally denied me simply from my social position."

"Philosophical reflections again?" Ivan snarled malignantly.

"God preserve me from it, but one can't help complaining sometimes. I am a
slandered man. You upbraid me every moment with being stupid. One can see
you are young. My dear fellow, intelligence isn't the only thing! I have
naturally a kind and merry heart. 'I also write vaudevilles of all sorts.'
You seem to take me for Hlestakov grown old, but my fate is a far more
serious one. Before time was, by some decree which I could never make out,
I was pre-destined 'to deny' and yet I am genuinely good-hearted and not
at all inclined to negation. 'No, you must go and deny, without denial
there's no criticism and what would a journal be without a column of
criticism?' Without criticism it would be nothing but one 'hosannah.' But
nothing but hosannah is not enough for life, the hosannah must be tried in
the crucible of doubt and so on, in the same style. But I don't meddle in
that, I didn't create it, I am not answerable for it. Well, they've chosen
their scapegoat, they've made me write the column of criticism and so life
was made possible. We understand that comedy; I, for instance, simply ask
for annihilation. No, live, I am told, for there'd be nothing without you.
If everything in the universe were sensible, nothing would happen. There
would be no events without you, and there must be events. So against the
grain I serve to produce events and do what's irrational because I am
commanded to. For all their indisputable intelligence, men take this farce
as something serious, and that is their tragedy. They suffer, of course
... but then they live, they live a real life, not a fantastic one, for
suffering is life. Without suffering what would be the pleasure of it? It
would be transformed into an endless church service; it would be holy, but
tedious. But what about me? I suffer, but still, I don't live. I am x in
an indeterminate equation. I am a sort of phantom in life who has lost all
beginning and end, and who has even forgotten his own name. You are
laughing-- no, you are not laughing, you are angry again. You are for ever
angry, all you care about is intelligence, but I repeat again that I would
give away all this super-stellar life, all the ranks and honors, simply to
be transformed into the soul of a merchant's wife weighing eighteen stone
and set candles at God's shrine."

"Then even you don't believe in God?" said Ivan, with a smile of hatred.

"What can I say?--that is, if you are in earnest--"

"Is there a God or not?" Ivan cried with the same savage intensity.

"Ah, then you are in earnest! My dear fellow, upon my word I don't know.
There! I've said it now!"

"You don't know, but you see God? No, you are not some one apart, you are
myself, you are I and nothing more! You are rubbish, you are my fancy!"

"Well, if you like, I have the same philosophy as you, that would be true.
_Je pense, donc je suis_, I know that for a fact; all the rest, all these
worlds, God and even Satan--all that is not proved, to my mind. Does all
that exist of itself, or is it only an emanation of myself, a logical
development of my ego which alone has existed for ever: but I make haste
to stop, for I believe you will be jumping up to beat me directly."

"You'd better tell me some anecdote!" said Ivan miserably.

"There is an anecdote precisely on our subject, or rather a legend, not an
anecdote. You reproach me with unbelief, you see, you say, yet you don't
believe. But, my dear fellow, I am not the only one like that. We are all
in a muddle over there now and all through your science. Once there used
to be atoms, five senses, four elements, and then everything hung together
somehow. There were atoms in the ancient world even, but since we've
learned that you've discovered the chemical molecule and protoplasm and
the devil knows what, we had to lower our crest. There's a regular muddle,
and, above all, superstition, scandal; there's as much scandal among us as
among you, you know; a little more in fact, and spying, indeed, for we
have our secret police department where private information is received.
Well, this wild legend belongs to our middle ages--not yours, but ours--and
no one believes it even among us, except the old ladies of eighteen stone,
not your old ladies I mean, but ours. We've everything you have, I am
revealing one of our secrets out of friendship for you; though it's
forbidden. This legend is about Paradise. There was, they say, here on
earth a thinker and philosopher. He rejected everything, 'laws,
conscience, faith,' and, above all, the future life. He died; he expected
to go straight to darkness and death and he found a future life before
him. He was astounded and indignant. 'This is against my principles!' he
said. And he was punished for that ... that is, you must excuse me, I am
just repeating what I heard myself, it's only a legend ... he was
sentenced to walk a quadrillion kilometers in the dark (we've adopted the
metric system, you know) and when he has finished that quadrillion, the
gates of heaven would be opened to him and he'll be forgiven--"

"And what tortures have you in the other world besides the quadrillion
kilometers?" asked Ivan, with a strange eagerness.

"What tortures? Ah, don't ask. In old days we had all sorts, but now they
have taken chiefly to moral punishments--'the stings of conscience' and all
that nonsense. We got that, too, from you, from the softening of your
manners. And who's the better for it? Only those who have got no
conscience, for how can they be tortured by conscience when they have
none? But decent people who have conscience and a sense of honor suffer
for it. Reforms, when the ground has not been prepared for them,
especially if they are institutions copied from abroad, do nothing but
mischief! The ancient fire was better. Well, this man, who was condemned
to the quadrillion kilometers, stood still, looked round and lay down
across the road. 'I won't go, I refuse on principle!' Take the soul of an
enlightened Russian atheist and mix it with the soul of the prophet Jonah,
who sulked for three days and nights in the belly of the whale, and you
get the character of that thinker who lay across the road."

"What did he lie on there?"

"Well, I suppose there was something to lie on. You are not laughing?"

"Bravo!" cried Ivan, still with the same strange eagerness. Now he was
listening with an unexpected curiosity. "Well, is he lying there now?"

"That's the point, that he isn't. He lay there almost a thousand years and
then he got up and went on."

"What an ass!" cried Ivan, laughing nervously and still seeming to be
pondering something intently. "Does it make any difference whether he lies
there for ever or walks the quadrillion kilometers? It would take a
billion years to walk it?"

"Much more than that. I haven't got a pencil and paper or I could work it
out. But he got there long ago, and that's where the story begins."

"What, he got there? But how did he get the billion years to do it?"

"Why, you keep thinking of our present earth! But our present earth may
have been repeated a billion times. Why, it's become extinct, been frozen;
cracked, broken to bits, disintegrated into its elements, again 'the water
above the firmament,' then again a comet, again a sun, again from the sun
it becomes earth--and the same sequence may have been repeated endlessly
and exactly the same to every detail, most unseemly and insufferably
tedious--"

"Well, well, what happened when he arrived?"

"Why, the moment the gates of Paradise were open and he walked in, before
he had been there two seconds, by his watch (though to my thinking his
watch must have long dissolved into its elements on the way), he cried out
that those two seconds were worth walking not a quadrillion kilometers but
a quadrillion of quadrillions, raised to the quadrillionth power! In fact,
he sang 'hosannah' and overdid it so, that some persons there of lofty
ideas wouldn't shake hands with him at first--he'd become too rapidly
reactionary, they said. The Russian temperament. I repeat, it's a legend.
I give it for what it's worth. So that's the sort of ideas we have on such
subjects even now."

"I've caught you!" Ivan cried, with an almost childish delight, as though
he had succeeded in remembering something at last. "That anecdote about
the quadrillion years, I made up myself! I was seventeen then, I was at
the high school. I made up that anecdote and told it to a schoolfellow
called Korovkin, it was at Moscow.... The anecdote is so characteristic
that I couldn't have taken it from anywhere. I thought I'd forgotten it
... but I've unconsciously recalled it--I recalled it myself--it was not you
telling it! Thousands of things are unconsciously remembered like that
even when people are being taken to execution ... it's come back to me in
a dream. You are that dream! You are a dream, not a living creature!"

"From the vehemence with which you deny my existence," laughed the
gentleman, "I am convinced that you believe in me."

"Not in the slightest! I haven't a hundredth part of a grain of faith in
you!"

"But you have the thousandth of a grain. Homeopathic doses perhaps are the
strongest. Confess that you have faith even to the ten-thousandth of a
grain."

"Not for one minute," cried Ivan furiously. "But I should like to believe
in you," he added strangely.

"Aha! There's an admission! But I am good-natured. I'll come to your
assistance again. Listen, it was I caught you, not you me. I told you your
anecdote you'd forgotten, on purpose, so as to destroy your faith in me
completely."

"You are lying. The object of your visit is to convince me of your
existence!"

"Just so. But hesitation, suspense, conflict between belief and
disbelief--is sometimes such torture to a conscientious man, such as you
are, that it's better to hang oneself at once. Knowing that you are
inclined to believe in me, I administered some disbelief by telling you
that anecdote. I lead you to belief and disbelief by turns, and I have my
motive in it. It's the new method. As soon as you disbelieve in me
completely, you'll begin assuring me to my face that I am not a dream but
a reality. I know you. Then I shall have attained my object, which is an
honorable one. I shall sow in you only a tiny grain of faith and it will
grow into an oak-tree--and such an oak-tree that, sitting on it, you will
long to enter the ranks of 'the hermits in the wilderness and the saintly
women,' for that is what you are secretly longing for. You'll dine on
locusts, you'll wander into the wilderness to save your soul!"

"Then it's for the salvation of my soul you are working, is it, you
scoundrel?"

"One must do a good work sometimes. How ill-humored you are!"

"Fool! did you ever tempt those holy men who ate locusts and prayed
seventeen years in the wilderness till they were overgrown with moss?"

"My dear fellow, I've done nothing else. One forgets the whole world and
all the worlds, and sticks to one such saint, because he is a very
precious diamond. One such soul, you know, is sometimes worth a whole
constellation. We have our system of reckoning, you know. The conquest is
priceless! And some of them, on my word, are not inferior to you in
culture, though you won't believe it. They can contemplate such depths of
belief and disbelief at the same moment that sometimes it really seems
that they are within a hair's-breadth of being 'turned upside down,' as
the actor Gorbunov says."

"Well, did you get your nose pulled?"(8)

"My dear fellow," observed the visitor sententiously, "it's better to get
off with your nose pulled than without a nose at all. As an afflicted
marquis observed not long ago (he must have been treated by a specialist)
in confession to his spiritual father--a Jesuit. I was present, it was
simply charming. 'Give me back my nose!' he said, and he beat his breast.
'My son,' said the priest evasively, 'all things are accomplished in
accordance with the inscrutable decrees of Providence, and what seems a
misfortune sometimes leads to extraordinary, though unapparent, benefits.
If stern destiny has deprived you of your nose, it's to your advantage
that no one can ever pull you by your nose.' 'Holy father, that's no
comfort,' cried the despairing marquis. 'I'd be delighted to have my nose
pulled every day of my life, if it were only in its proper place.' 'My
son,' sighs the priest, 'you can't expect every blessing at once. This is
murmuring against Providence, who even in this has not forgotten you, for
if you repine as you repined just now, declaring you'd be glad to have
your nose pulled for the rest of your life, your desire has already been
fulfilled indirectly, for when you lost your nose, you were led by the
nose.' "

"Fool, how stupid!" cried Ivan.

"My dear friend, I only wanted to amuse you. But I swear that's the
genuine Jesuit casuistry and I swear that it all happened word for word as
I've told you. It happened lately and gave me a great deal of trouble. The
unhappy young man shot himself that very night when he got home. I was by
his side till the very last moment. Those Jesuit confessionals are really
my most delightful diversion at melancholy moments. Here's another
incident that happened only the other day. A little blonde Norman girl of
twenty--a buxom, unsophisticated beauty that would make your mouth
water--comes to an old priest. She bends down and whispers her sin into the
grating. 'Why, my daughter, have you fallen again already?' cries the
priest. 'O Sancta Maria, what do I hear! Not the same man this time, how
long is this going on? Aren't you ashamed!' '_Ah, mon pere_,' answers the
sinner with tears of penitence, '_ca lui fait tant de plaisir, et a moi si
peu de peine!_' Fancy, such an answer! I drew back. It was the cry of
nature, better than innocence itself, if you like. I absolved her sin on
the spot and was turning to go, but I was forced to turn back. I heard the
priest at the grating making an appointment with her for the
evening--though he was an old man hard as flint, he fell in an instant! It
was nature, the truth of nature asserted its rights! What, you are turning
up your nose again? Angry again? I don't know how to please you--"

"Leave me alone, you are beating on my brain like a haunting nightmare,"
Ivan moaned miserably, helpless before his apparition. "I am bored with
you, agonizingly and insufferably. I would give anything to be able to
shake you off!"

"I repeat, moderate your expectations, don't demand of me 'everything
great and noble' and you'll see how well we shall get on," said the
gentleman impressively. "You are really angry with me for not having
appeared to you in a red glow, with thunder and lightning, with scorched
wings, but have shown myself in such a modest form. You are wounded, in
the first place, in your esthetic feelings, and, secondly, in your pride.
How could such a vulgar devil visit such a great man as you! Yes, there is
that romantic strain in you, that was so derided by Byelinsky. I can't
help it, young man, as I got ready to come to you I did think as a joke of
appearing in the figure of a retired general who had served in the
Caucasus, with a star of the Lion and the Sun on my coat. But I was
positively afraid of doing it, for you'd have thrashed me for daring to
pin the Lion and the Sun on my coat, instead of, at least, the Polar Star
or the Sirius. And you keep on saying I am stupid, but, mercy on us! I
make no claim to be equal to you in intelligence. Mephistopheles declared
to Faust that he desired evil, but did only good. Well, he can say what he
likes, it's quite the opposite with me. I am perhaps the one man in all
creation who loves the truth and genuinely desires good. I was there when
the Word, Who died on the Cross, rose up into heaven bearing on His bosom
the soul of the penitent thief. I heard the glad shrieks of the cherubim
singing and shouting hosannah and the thunderous rapture of the seraphim
which shook heaven and all creation, and I swear to you by all that's
sacred, I longed to join the choir and shout hosannah with them all. The
word had almost escaped me, had almost broken from my lips ... you know
how susceptible and esthetically impressionable I am. But common sense--oh,
a most unhappy trait in my character--kept me in due bounds and I let the
moment pass! For what would have happened, I reflected, what would have
happened after my hosannah? Everything on earth would have been
extinguished at once and no events could have occurred. And so, solely
from a sense of duty and my social position, I was forced to suppress the
good moment and to stick to my nasty task. Somebody takes all the credit
of what's good for Himself, and nothing but nastiness is left for me. But
I don't envy the honor of a life of idle imposture, I am not ambitious.
Why am I, of all creatures in the world, doomed to be cursed by all decent
people and even to be kicked, for if I put on mortal form I am bound to
take such consequences sometimes? I know, of course, there's a secret in
it, but they won't tell me the secret for anything, for then perhaps,
seeing the meaning of it, I might bawl hosannah, and the indispensable
minus would disappear at once, and good sense would reign supreme
throughout the whole world. And that, of course, would mean the end of
everything, even of magazines and newspapers, for who would take them in?
I know that at the end of all things I shall be reconciled. I, too, shall
walk my quadrillion and learn the secret. But till that happens I am
sulking and fulfill my destiny though it's against the grain--that is, to
ruin thousands for the sake of saving one. How many souls have had to be
ruined and how many honorable reputations destroyed for the sake of that
one righteous man, Job, over whom they made such a fool of me in old days!
Yes, till the secret is revealed, there are two sorts of truths for
me--one, their truth, yonder, which I know nothing about so far, and the
other my own. And there's no knowing which will turn out the better....
Are you asleep?"

"I might well be," Ivan groaned angrily. "All my stupid ideas--outgrown,
thrashed out long ago, and flung aside like a dead carcass--you present to
me as something new!"

"There's no pleasing you! And I thought I should fascinate you by my
literary style. That hosannah in the skies really wasn't bad, was it? And
then that ironical tone _a la_ Heine, eh?"

"No, I was never such a flunkey! How then could my soul beget a flunkey
like you?"

"My dear fellow, I know a most charming and attractive young Russian
gentleman, a young thinker and a great lover of literature and art, the
author of a promising poem entitled _The Grand Inquisitor_. I was only
thinking of him!"

"I forbid you to speak of _The Grand Inquisitor_," cried Ivan, crimson
with shame.

"And the _Geological Cataclysm_. Do you remember? That was a poem, now!"

"Hold your tongue, or I'll kill you!"

"You'll kill me? No, excuse me, I will speak. I came to treat myself to
that pleasure. Oh, I love the dreams of my ardent young friends, quivering
with eagerness for life! 'There are new men,' you decided last spring,
when you were meaning to come here, 'they propose to destroy everything
and begin with cannibalism. Stupid fellows! they didn't ask my advice! I
maintain that nothing need be destroyed, that we only need to destroy the
idea of God in man, that's how we have to set to work. It's that, that we
must begin with. Oh, blind race of men who have no understanding! As soon
as men have all of them denied God--and I believe that period, analogous
with geological periods, will come to pass--the old conception of the
universe will fall of itself without cannibalism, and, what's more, the
old morality, and everything will begin anew. Men will unite to take from
life all it can give, but only for joy and happiness in the present world.
Man will be lifted up with a spirit of divine Titanic pride and the man-
god will appear. From hour to hour extending his conquest of nature
infinitely by his will and his science, man will feel such lofty joy from
hour to hour in doing it that it will make up for all his old dreams of
the joys of heaven. Every one will know that he is mortal and will accept
death proudly and serenely like a god. His pride will teach him that it's
useless for him to repine at life's being a moment, and he will love his
brother without need of reward. Love will be sufficient only for a moment
of life, but the very consciousness of its momentariness will intensify
its fire, which now is dissipated in dreams of eternal love beyond the
grave'... and so on and so on in the same style. Charming!"

Ivan sat with his eyes on the floor, and his hands pressed to his ears,
but he began trembling all over. The voice continued.

"The question now is, my young thinker reflected, is it possible that such
a period will ever come? If it does, everything is determined and humanity
is settled for ever. But as, owing to man's inveterate stupidity, this
cannot come about for at least a thousand years, every one who recognizes
the truth even now may legitimately order his life as he pleases, on the
new principles. In that sense, 'all things are lawful' for him. What's
more, even if this period never comes to pass, since there is anyway no
God and no immortality, the new man may well become the man-god, even if
he is the only one in the whole world, and promoted to his new position,
he may lightheartedly overstep all the barriers of the old morality of the
old slave-man, if necessary. There is no law for God. Where God stands,
the place is holy. Where I stand will be at once the foremost place ...
'all things are lawful' and that's the end of it! That's all very
charming; but if you want to swindle why do you want a moral sanction for
doing it? But that's our modern Russian all over. He can't bring himself
to swindle without a moral sanction. He is so in love with truth--"

The visitor talked, obviously carried away by his own eloquence, speaking
louder and louder and looking ironically at his host. But he did not
succeed in finishing; Ivan suddenly snatched a glass from the table and
flung it at the orator.

"_Ah, mais c'est bete enfin_," cried the latter, jumping up from the sofa
and shaking the drops of tea off himself. "He remembers Luther's inkstand!
He takes me for a dream and throws glasses at a dream! It's like a woman!
I suspected you were only pretending to stop up your ears."

A loud, persistent knocking was suddenly heard at the window. Ivan jumped
up from the sofa.

"Do you hear? You'd better open," cried the visitor; "it's your brother
Alyosha with the most interesting and surprising news, I'll be bound!"

"Be silent, deceiver, I knew it was Alyosha, I felt he was coming, and of
course he has not come for nothing; of course he brings 'news,' " Ivan
exclaimed frantically.

"Open, open to him. There's a snowstorm and he is your brother. _Monsieur
sait-il le temps qu'il fait? C'est a ne pas mettre un chien dehors_."

The knocking continued. Ivan wanted to rush to the window, but something
seemed to fetter his arms and legs. He strained every effort to break his
chains, but in vain. The knocking at the window grew louder and louder. At
last the chains were broken and Ivan leapt up from the sofa. He looked
round him wildly. Both candles had almost burnt out, the glass he had just
thrown at his visitor stood before him on the table, and there was no one
on the sofa opposite. The knocking on the window frame went on
persistently, but it was by no means so loud as it had seemed in his
dream; on the contrary, it was quite subdued.

"It was not a dream! No, I swear it was not a dream, it all happened just
now!" cried Ivan. He rushed to the window and opened the movable pane.

"Alyosha, I told you not to come," he cried fiercely to his brother. "In
two words, what do you want? In two words, do you hear?"

"An hour ago Smerdyakov hanged himself," Alyosha answered from the yard.

"Come round to the steps, I'll open at once," said Ivan, going to open the
door to Alyosha.





Book 11, Chapter 9
Poof! The devil! Well, not with the horns and pitchfork and flames and all that. Ivan's Satan appears in the manner of a mild-mannered, impoverished, elderly gentleman sitting amiably on his sofa. Ivan sternly tells the nice old man that he's just a figment of everything that's base and, above all, stupid in his imagination, but the devil insists on his reality. The devil reminds him that he had gone to see Smerdyakov to find out what he had told Katerina, which he still doesn't know. But Ivan tells the devil that this is no proof of the devil's existence: the devil only remembers this point because Ivan was about to. Ivan then decides to wet a towel and place it on his head. Of course - wouldn't you if you were sitting across from the devil? The devil then reminds Ivan that he had once accused Alyosha of spying on their conversations . Ivan admits that this was a momentary lapse, but insists that the devil is still a hallucination. The devil goes on to tell some silly stories about himself and his adventures incarnated on earth. He wants nothing more than to be a simple "fat, 250-pound merchant's wife" and light candles to God, but instead he ends up with rheumatism. Ivan decides the wet towel is useless and throws it away. The devil complains about catching a cold while flying through the freezing heavens. But he was fortunately cured by Hoff's extract of malt. Ivan rejects all of these anecdotes as stupid. The devil justifies his existence by claiming he exists only to "negate," to create doubt, because if everything was meaningful, there would be no more events. He tells the story of a philosopher who all his life denied the existence of an afterlife. Upon his death, he discovered there was an afterlife, but he refused to go to heaven because it went against his convictions. He was then sentenced to walk a quadrillion kilometers as punishment, but since this also went against his convictions, he refused to walk. After a thousand years, he decided, oh heck, I'll walk. Once he got to heaven he sang its praises enthusiastically. Ivan again rejects the devil - the anecdote wasn't his, it was a story Ivan made up when he was 17. The devil tells another couple of stories: the first is about a man who lost his nose to some dreadful disease. The man complained to his priest that he wanted his nose back, but the priest told him that, hey, at least without your nose you won't have to worry about your nose being "out of joint" about its being out of joint ever again. Pretty punny. The second story is about a young floozy who confesses to her priest that she has slept with a man. After her confession, the priest and the floozy set up a booty call. Ivan just becomes more and more infuriated by the devil's stupid stories . The devil continues to mock his philosophy and his writings to his face, including the one about the Grand Inquisitor. At his wit's end, Ivan throws an inkstand at the devil. Their conversation is interrupted by a knock at the window. Suddenly Ivan feels as if he's been tied to his chair. He breaks free from what seem to be imaginary bonds and opens the window. It's Alyosha, and Ivan lets him in. Alyosha announces that Smerdyakov has hanged himself.