Gossip Girl 1. Chapter 1

**A/N: After careful consideration, I have decided to attempt to write this requested piece. I'm not exactly sure what I am doing here, but I am going to try my best. This story deals with what some people find to be very sensitive subject matter, so I will give you my fair warning before you start reading. I strive for accuracy, but I might fall short in some areas so please excuse me. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Sadly, **_**Gossip Girl **_**belongs to its respective owners and so do some lines taken from episode 2x16.**

**Chapter One**

He can't find her anywhere. Try as he might, Rufus can't seem to locate Lily. They split apart at the intermission, with Lily saying that she had to use the bathroom. That was almost ten minutes ago, she should have been back by now. He is thinking that she probably got looped into a conversation about the opera or berated because she brought him into her society circle without permission.

Rufus spots Dan through the throngs of people and sighs when he realizes that neither Lily nor Serena is with him. He races to catch up with Dan, matching his son's strides.

"I just had a full conversation with this opera goer about _The Magic Flute _and he pretended that it was exactly what he just watched. I am beginning to get these society people; it's all a big game to them, pretending like you know what you are talking about." Rufus pauses to gaze around the lobby of the opera, remembering what he wanted to ask his son about, "Where's Lily?"

"I don't know I haven't seen her all intermission." Dan answers, noticing his father isn't really paying attention to what he is saying because he is too busy scanning the crowd for Lily.

"Keep an eye out for her," Rufus taps Dan's shoulder and strolls away.

She tries to fight him, but she can't. Her screams are muffled by his hand, the other working against her to hike her dress up. Lily is doing everything in her power to get away from Jack Bass, but nothing is working. She can't succumb to him; she won't give him the satisfaction. All she wants is someone to come and save her before it's too late, before Jack can take what he so desperately needs from her.

Dan spots Chuck walking toward him and shelves his distaste for him for a time being. As much as Dan dislikes Chuck Bass, he needs his help for just a moment especially given the fact that even his father, who has been attached to Lily the whole night, can't locate her makes Dan really uneasy.

"Chuck, as much as I hate to ask you anything, have you seen Lily? My dad has been looking for her." Dan fully expects Chuck to give him some snarky comment in response, but is shocked when concern ripples across his face.

"She said she was going to the powder room," Chuck turns his head to look at the line snaking through the lobby, stemming from the door of the powder room, "that was a while ago." Chuck walks away from Dan to go inquire about the locked powder room door. Dan then sees Chuck disappear around the corner. Dan deeply swallows and goes to find Rufus, sensing something wrong about the way Chuck ran off after questioning the lady at the front of the line.

Lily can't get away from Jack, every time she tries to move, he counters it. His hands are roughly barreling down her body, pinching, grabbing and squeezing everything in his site. She whimpers as he pushes her against the mirror, the glass fragmenting into her bare shoulder. Lily tries to slap him, but he catches her wrist and squeezes as he uses the other hand to unzip his pants. She protests as much as she can, but he easily overpowers her. The only thing she can really do is keep struggling, wanting to leave as much of a trace on him as he is on her. She closes her eyes and clamps down on her lip, whimpering when he roughly enters her.

Chuck runs through the lobby, thankfully most people are starting to retake their seats, giving him a clear path. He quickly locates security and begs them to come with him. Chuck has a terrible feeling he knows where Lily is and what his uncle is doing to her. Rufus, Dan and Serena are nowhere to be seen, they are probably off looking for Lily on their own. He convinces security to check out the locked powder room door. They are reluctant at first, but once Chuck mentions rape, they are quick to act.

Security breaks down the door and Chuck comes bursting in, seeing Jack forcibly on top of Lily. He pries his uncle off of his adopted mother, hoping that they got there in time, but they didn't. Chuck doesn't approach Lily; his main focus is on getting his uncle as far away from her as possible. He throws Jack on the couch and punches him across the face. Security finally acts and takes Jack out of the powder room.

"Lily," Chuck says quietly. She shakes her head and closes her eyes so she doesn't have to catalogue the damage Jack has done to her body.

"Get Rufus," she whispers and slinks to the floor, wincing on the way down. Lily doesn't want to be left alone, but she would rather have Rufus see her like this than Chuck.

"Okay, I'll tell security to get Rufus and I will be right outside." Chuck leaves the bathroom; doing everything he can to avoid looking at Lily's blood splattered on the mirror.

Lily can hear Chuck converse with security, telling them to locate Rufus as soon as humanly possible. She feels the blood trickle down her shoulder blade from when Jack slammed her against the mirror, so hard that it broke the glass. Every bone, joint and ligament in her body aches. Her mind is recounting what just happened in painfully detailed flashes while she waits for Rufus to come.

Rufus races to the powder room, seeing Chuck standing outside with security. His eyebrows shoot together; Lily isn't standing out there with them. When security found him, all they said was that they have located Lily. He approaches Chuck whose head is hanging. The door is closed and Rufus looks over his shoulder, wondering where the hell his girlfriend is.

"Chuck, where's Lily?" Rufus asks. The teenager locks eyes with Rufus and shakes his head. "Oh god…what happened to her?"

"It was Jack….he…he…raped her." Rufus puts his hand over his mouth and immediately starts looking around for the bastard that attacked her. No, first things first, he has to see Lily.

"Where is Lily now?" Chuck gestures towards the door and steps aside, letting Rufus enter.

"Why the hell is she still in there by herself?" Rufus growls at Chuck, thinking that the teenager would have the common sense to remove Lily from the scene of the crime.

"She wouldn't leave until she saw you." Rufus mumbles an apology; he redirected his anger at Chuck when it should be at his uncle for what he did to Lily.

"Don't let anyone in here, not even Serena or Dan. Can you call a car? I am going to try and convince Lily to go to the hospital." Chuck nods as Rufus opens the door, softly closing it behind him.

When Rufus steps inside, Lily is sitting against the vanity, staring off into the distance. Her eyes are empty; her face is void of any emotion. Rufus swallows every single curse word in the book when his eyes fall on what he can see of her body. Bruises, scrapes and bite marks overlap one another; her once elegant bun and flawless makeup are smeared and undone. He carefully works his way towards her, watching her recoil further into herself. Rufus backs off and sits down across from her, hating himself for approaching her tentatively, almost as if she is made of glass.

Lily tracks his movements with her eyes, wondering why she is so scared of what he is going to do. It's Rufus, not Jack. Rufus isn't going to hurt her like Jack just did. She needs his comfort, but doesn't know how to ask for it.

"Hi," she begins; her voice barely audible. Rufus stands up and walks over to her, immediately regretting it when he sees her flinch. He plops down beside her, not wanting to touch her in case he causes her anymore pain.

"Hey," He gives her a soothing smile and gingerly tucks back a loose strand of hair that was draping in front of her eyes partly to test her reaction to him. Lily allows him, but carefully watches what he is doing. A solitary tear trickles down Lily's face that she hastily wipes away. Now is not the time to cry, she has to keep her emotions in check for the time being. Rufus leans back slightly, swallowing a gasp when he sees the wound in her shoulder. Glass shards are entangled in the wound; she is probably going to need stitches. "Sweetheart, we are going to have to go the hospital to get your shoulder looked at."

Rufus sees the first genuine emotion flicker across Lily's face before it is wiped away. She is utterly terrified of leaving this bathroom even though it kills her to stay in here. All she wants to do is go home and take a long hot shower, effectively removing every hint of Jack from her body.

"No, I-I-I don't want to go. Rufus, please don't make me go." His heart breaks for her as she pleads with him. This is not the Lily he knows, his Lily would never beg him, but he has to remind himself that she isn't exactly herself right now. She is numb; her mind is protecting itself from the trauma it just endured. He swallows; his throat thick with emotions that he shouldn't express in front of her at the moment. She needs him to be impartial, her support system and her decision maker.

"Lil, I would never makeyou do anything, but I think _we _should go and get your shoulder stitched up." Rufus makes the reason for their hospital visit about her shoulder; she doesn't need to be reminded that she was just raped.

"Okay…is anybody out there?" Rufus isn't exactly sure who constitutes as anybody in her mind. Jack? The kids? Or does she mean any person in general? He takes his blazer off and drapes it over her shoulders, providing her with some warmth. Lily clutches onto it, tightly crossing her arms over her chest, thankful that his blazer covers most of her bruises.

"I will make sure nobody sees you Lil," he gives her his word, knowing that she needs it more than anything. Lily stiffly nods which prompts Rufus to get to his feet, offering his hand to her. She slips her hand into his and slowly stands up, ignoring the crippling spasms in her back. Rufus glances at her, concern bubbling in his features.

"I'm okay," she whispers, although her body and mind says otherwise. He doesn't push the issue and keeps a firm grip on her hand, lacing their fingers together. Lily leans on him, keeping her head down to avoid eye contact in case someone is probing for details about what happened to her. Rufus takes one final glance around the room, his stomach dropping when he sees smears of her blood on the broken mirror.

Rufus brings her down an empty corridor that leads to an exit towards the back of the opera. Lily can't help but keep checking over her shoulder, in case Jack is looming in the shadows.

There is a town car waiting for them, just like Rufus requested from Chuck. Rufus can feel Lily trembling against him, still clinging onto the lapels of his blazer. He opens the door and lets her slide in first, trapping the words in his mouth when he hears a miniscule wince slide through the crack in her lips again. Rufus climbs in next to her and slams the door, giving a nod to the driver to take them to the closest hospital. Lily tucks her head into his shoulder as his arm slinks around her, holding her as close as possible without smothering her.

He is still waiting for some kind of reaction from her other than silence or monosyllabic answers when asked a direct question. Rufus just hopes that Lily doesn't completely shut him out, something that she has done to him in the past. She can't go through this alone and she doesn't have to, if she will let him. Rufus snags her hand gently, bringing their conjoined hands into his lap. Lily shifts uncomfortably in the seat, the pain in her back flaring up. He resists the temptation to ask if she is okay because he already knows the answer.

Once they arrive at the emergency room of the hospital, Lily is cordoned off by a specially trained nurse after learning about her ordeal.

"I am going to find a police officer that will help me collect evidence. Can you change into this gown and put your clothes into this bag, please?" The nurse that introduced herself as Stephanie asks Lily. Lily nods and holds Rufus' hand a little tighter.

"Lily, do you want him to be in the room with us for your exam?" Lily hesitates, she won't make Rufus stay. She isn't sure he will want to see the extent of her injuries. Rufus can detect the uneasiness ebbing off of Lily and releases his hand from the death grip she has on him.

"I will give you two a moment while you change," Stephanie closes the door to the exam room behind her. Rufus stands in front of Lily, gaining her full attention. Lily's russet eyes flicker up to his, still showing no emotion behind them.

"Lil, you know that Jack is not here and there is no way in _hell _he could ever hurt you again." Lily averts his gaze as he nods, not having to remind him that neither of them are keen to Jack's whereabouts at the moment. All she listens to is his words, although she isn't positive she believes them. "But the simple truth is, even though you know all of this…there is some part of your brain that won't let you believe it." Rufus finishes as his thumb caresses the back of her hand.

"Yes," Lily admits in a whisper, trying to keep her tears at bay for the time being. She doesn't want to break down here, when the nurse and police officer could walk in at any moment.

"Hey, honey, look at me," Rufus urges, pulling her a little closer to him as he holds onto her hand. "It's normal for you to feel that way and you know it. It's going to take time for you to get over this so don't be so hard on yourself because you feel vulnerable right now. It doesn't make you weak and no matter what, _you are still the same person you were before all of this happened._" His voice doesn't encroach on sympathy or pity, but rather, the truth of what he believes.

"I know." Lily replies, aware that at the core she will remain the same, but also aware that a part of her will forever be altered by what Jack has done to her.

"I will stay; I _want _to stay with you, if that's okay. If you would rather have me wait in the waiting room, I can do that too." Rufus emphasizes the fact that he wants to stand beside her while she has evidenced collected, but also, he is leaving the choice up to her.

"Please stay, I feel safe with you here," her voice is so soft that he doesn't quite catch the end of her sentence. Rufus gives her a boyish smile that she always teases him about. Lily tries her hardest to smile back, but she can't.

"Okay, do you need help with your dress?" Rufus has found the best thing to do is ask her simple yes or no questions and leaving the choice completely up to her. The absolute last thing he wants to do is make a decision for her or force her into doing something she isn't comfortable with doing. He also doesn't want to treat her like a fragile child, but he doesn't want to brush aside what has happened to her either.

"Yes…I really liked this dress." Rufus stops unzipping the piece of clothing for a moment, reigning in his own emotions. He flips back to about five or six hours ago when he arrived at the penthouse to pick her up. Rufus caught her twirling around the living room in the dress, her face flushed with embarrassment when his arm hooked around her waist, pulling her close and planting a kiss on her lips.

"I know you did," He figures an apology would be the worst possible thing he could say to her right now. Rufus glides the zipper down her back, the internal anger building up after each bruise he passes. Lily steps out of the dress, fully nude now. Her panties are gone, having been ripped off by Jack during the attack. Rufus tosses the blood soaked dress in the police evidence bag and reaches for the gown.

Under the fluorescent lights, Lily stares down at her body, the bruises and cuts covering it along with the taste of Jack still lingering inside of her mouth, making bile rise up in her throat. She stubbornly pushes back her tears, reaching for the gown despite the pain in her back so she won't have to pick herself apart anymore. Lily slips the flimsy fabric over herself and asks Rufus to tie it for her.

"Can I send in the nurse?" He asks and receives a mere nod in return as Lily tries to shift into a manageable position on the exam table. Stephanie comes back, sans the police officer she went out to find.

"The officer is going to come in after I complete the exam."

With a nod, Lily takes in a breath as Stephanie reaches for her chart, asking all of the routine questions while cleaning the small cuts and abrasions on her body, taking samples from underneath her fingernails as well as taking a look at her bloody shoulder.

"That will not require any stitches, but I will put some antibiotic ointment on it to prevent infection. This is going to sting a little," Stephanie applies the antiseptic and then a bandage. Lily cringes, squeezing Rufus' hand.

The nurse completes the exam, tossing her surgical gloves into the nearby trash can. "Are you ready for me to let the police officer in now?"

"Okay, are we almost done?" Lily asks, still keeping a tight hold on Rufus.

"Yes, it shouldn't be too much longer. I'll be back as soon as possible so we can get you going on out of here." Stephanie leaves them with a polite smile.

"You are doing great," Rufus assures Lily, knowing that exam wasn't easy for her. Hell it wasn't even easy for him to watch, let alone be the one being examined. He was mostly silent during her exam, afraid that if he opened his mouth when she answered questions about what Jack did to her he wouldn't be able to stop himself from scaring her with his fury towards her attacker.

"Thank you for being here," Lily says sincerely. She would have fully understood if he didn't want to be in the room while the nurse was examining her. Purple bruises are blossoming all over her body, her makeup looks like she slept in it and her hair looks like it hasn't been brushed in weeks. "Rufus?"

"What's up Lil?" He is surprised that she seems to be talking more than when they were in the bathroom at the opera.

"Where are the kids?" Lily prays that she won't have to explain what happened to her to Serena and Eric, or worse, Dan and Jenny. She is still uncomfortable knowing that Chuck was the one who first saw her like that. She hopes that he doesn't blame himself for what happened because it certainly wasn't his fault in any way.

"I…um…I don't know. Do you want me to call Serena or Eric?" _Wrong question, _Rufus thinks silently when he watches her bury deeper into herself. He shakes his head, signaling to her that he was wrong in asking. "I'm sorry Lil; I shouldn't have asked you that."

Her response is stifled by Stephanie returning with a police officer. Lily shivers when she spots a camera in the police officer's hands. The thought of her battered body being exposed and captured on film for others to see is making her throat tighten.

"Hi Lily, I'm Officer Gramer, but you can call me Annie. I assure you that this will only take a few minutes and I promise that if you need a break at any time, I will stop. I'm not going to do anything until you are ready, I promise," The female cop reassures Lily, seeing the all too familiar fear in her shaken face. Rufus releases Lily's hand, and takes a step back, wanting the cop to be able to do her job as quickly and efficiently as she can so he can take Lily home.

"Okay," Lily replies back with a nod.

"Good, then let's start with the injuries to your hands. Can you hold them out in front of you?" Lily does as told without saying a word, cringing when the flash goes off.

"Are you okay Lily?" The officer asks, getting ready to stop if told to do so.

"Yes," Lily mumbles.

"Good, let's move on to the injuries to your neck. I think it would be easier if you got off the table for this," Officer Gramer tells Lily. Rufus offers Lily a hand, wishing that her face didn't press so tightly in pain every time she moved. "If you could turn your head to the right Lily that would be great," The officer focuses on the bite marks Jack left on the right side of Lily's neck. Lily flinches again when the flash goes off, doing the same when the officer takes a picture of the other side of her neck.

Officer Gramer then proceeds to capture the bruises left on Lily's inner thighs and on her legs. Even though Lily knows that the flash from the camera is coming, she can't help but jump every time. Each time she flinches, the officer asks her if she is okay or would like to take a break. Lily shakes her head no, knowing that if she stops, she won't be able to start again. She is thankful to Rufus for not asking as well, he is just standing off in the corner, trying not to interfere.

"Alright, now let's move onto the injuries on your back," The officer tells Lily.

"Lil, do you want me to help you with your gown?" Rufus asks, locking eyes with Lily for a brief second.

Pausing for a moment, Lily nods. She agrees, knowing with Rufus' help the task will be far less painful for her, accepting the offer while trying to still the tremors in her body that continue to snake through her. Rufus unties the first two ties, his tongue skating across his teeth when he sees the depth of her injuries. He can't imagine what Jack made Lily do when they were in that room together. It tears him apart that he allowed this to happen to her. Lily tilts her head to the side, wondering why he is staring at her. She knew the second he saw her back, the place with the most extensive bruising, he would start to have doubts.

Rufus can read the uneasiness on Lily's face and is confused by it for a second before he can catch up with her line of thinking. She thinks that by him seeing her bruises makes her appear less beautiful to him in his eyes, but that is simply not the case. She needs a dash of his reassurance that the attack hasn't lessened her beauty.

"I love you," he whispers in her ear and steps away, letting the officer finish her job. Lily chokes back a sob and tilts her head down, twitching when the sound of the flashes echoes through the exam room.

"Okay Lily we are almost done, but I need you to turn back around and lower your gown so that I can take a few pictures of your breasts," the officer informs Lily, keeping her voice at a gentle whisper.

At hearing those words, Lily takes in a shuddered breath and looks over at Rufus, silently asking him to assist her. Rufus steps forward at her side, placing his hand on her uninjured shoulder.

"You can do this Lil," Rufus whispers to her, "just focus on something in this room and I will lower your gown for you, okay?" Lily is grateful for his non-pitying tone; he is only offering to help her to make this process as smooth as possible for her.

Lily takes in another breath and turns around, focusing her gaze above the female officer's head to the cabinets lining the wall. Rufus takes that as a cue to gently move the material of the gown Lily is wearing off of her shoulders and down to her elbows.

_One…two…three…_Lily begins to count, keeping her eyes peeled on the slate gray cabinets.

Rufus then moves behind her and holds the gown in place from her back so it will not slip down any further.

_Four...five….six…_

"Okay, I am going to need you to hold still," Officer Gramer tells Lily while focusing on the dark bruises shaped like fingerprints on Lily's left breast first.

_Seven…eight…nine…_

_FLASH…jump…okay, deep breath Lily…_

_ Ten…eleven…twelve…_

"Are you doing okay Lily?"

_I'm nodding…hurry up…thirteen…fourteen…_

_ FLASH…flinch…oh god, please let this be the last picture…_

"That's it Lily, we are done. I will let Stephanie finish up and discharge you," The officer announces and reaches over to collect Lily's bag of clothes along with her camera before leaving. Rufus quickly ties Lily's gown back up and intertwines their hands, showing his unwavering support. Lily lets out the breath she didn't know she was holding and looks down. She is happy that she gets to go home, but she doesn't have any clothes to change into.

"I will give you a prescription for some pain meds and find you some clothes to go home in, excuse me." Stephanie leaves in search of the aforementioned items, leaving Rufus and Lily alone in the room again.

"It's almost over Lil, I promise," Rufus says to, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. The undisputable truth is that her ordeal is far from over, it's just beginning. He just hopes he won't lose her entirely because of this, knowing that it will change her no matter what.

"Okay." Lily has never wanted to see her penthouse more in her entire life. She wants to lock herself in her bedroom with Rufus and never have to answer any questions about what Jack did to her to anyone. That's impossible though, because she has the children to think about. They are going to want to help her, even though they really can't. She can tell that Rufus has some questions of his own to ask her and she loves him for holding off. He is aware that she will have a full scale breakdown if he pushes her to give him answers before she is ready.

Stephanie returns rather quickly with a prescription in one hand and navy blue surgical scrubs in the other.

"Sorry, I couldn't find anything else and I know you really want to get home," she apologizes, her cheeks a rosy hue. Rufus takes the prescription from her while Lily grabs the scrubs, mumbling a thank you. "You are welcome to go, but I just wanted to tell you that we have an excellent psychologist on staff if you ever want to use him, I can give you his number."

Rufus almost bites back laughter at the skeptical expression on Lily's face. He realizes that Lily isn't going to go to someone willingly, it's going to take some serious convincing on his part for her to even consider going.

"Um…thanks…we will consider it…" Rufus says politely, winking when Lily whips her head around to look at him. She relaxes and puts her hand on her back, the abrupt motion causing another spasm. Stephanie can see the doubt in Lily's face, but simply gives her well wishes. Lily is going to have to come to terms with what happened to her by herself.

Lily kneads the scratchy fabric of the scrubs. Until she gets pain meds in her body to alleviate some of her back pain, there isn't much she can do for herself.

"Do you need help getting dressed Lil?" He asks, sticking to the format of the yes and no questions that seems to be working for them. Lily nods and slowly bends so he can fully untie her gown. He assists her in getting undressed and then redressed. When she is dressed in the scrubs, Rufus puts his hand on her cheek, her face being the one part of her body that hasn't been affected by Jack. "Can I take you home?"

Lily hesitates, she wants to go home so badly, but she knows that Serena and Eric, possibly even Dan and Jenny are going to be waiting. She doesn't want to get bombarded with questions the second she steps off the elevator. The loft isn't safe either for the same reason. Although, Lily couldn't imagine being in a hotel, she wants to be in the comfort of familiar surroundings.

"Will you stay with me?" There is nothing that will prevent Rufus from letting Lily spend the night alone. Eventually, her mind is going to stop protecting itself from the trauma that it experienced and Lily is just going to fall apart. He wants to be there for her when that happens because he knows that she will torture herself with ways that she could have prevented Jack from doing this to her.

"Of course I will. I'm here Lil."

"Home?" Lily asks simply, ready to take the next step and leave the hospital.

"Home," he answers her back and weaves her through the emergency room to a car that is waiting to take them back to the penthouse.

**A/N 2: What did you all think of this? I am totally willing to continue if you guys want more. I am hoping that everyone will give me their opinion because I always appreciate it. Thanks for reading and I will have a new chapter of **_**Flawed and Fragmented **_**up soon. Please leave a review (for both stories) on your way out! **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: You guys are seriously amazing, thank you so much for all the reviews I have been receiving. A couple things before I start. I don't have any experience with what this story deals with; I am only writing what **_**I think **_**the situation calls for. Also, these chapters aren't going to be as long as **_**F&amp;F **_**merely because I want to do both stories at the same time. Finally, all of these chapters are going to include serious content and I completely understand if that is too much for some readers. Enough of my blabbering please enjoy!**

**Chapter Two**

_"Of course I will. I'm here Lil." _

_ "Home?" Lily asks simply, ready to take the next step and leave the hospital. _

_ "Home," he answers her back and weaves her through the emergency room to a car that is waiting to take them back to the penthouse. _

He doesn't like her when she is quiet. Rufus is used to him and Lily swapping comments back and forth on the ride back to the penthouse about the event they just went to. He would make a quip about how everyone is so unnecessarily overdressed, she would roll her eyes and tell him that he could learn a thing or two about fashion from the people in attendance. Rufus would silence her with a kiss and then she would respond to it, ending up on top of him, swapping kisses the whole way back.

His slight whimsical grin fades when Lily readjusts in her seat for the fifth time in a few short blocks. She squeezes his hand, not having let go of it since they left the hospital about ten minutes ago. Rufus tightens his grip on her, forgetting for a brief second that her shoulder is badly hurt. Lily winces and looks up at him, pain flashing in her eyes. She doesn't say anything, only putting her head back on his shoulder, throwing her other arm around his torso.

Rufus stamps a kiss to the top of her head, hoping that he didn't push any boundaries. It was more of a tender, loving feeling than anything sensual, but still, he wants to proceed with caution when it comes to displays of affection. They are going to have to work on her timetable now, slowly beginning to rebuild what Jack took from her and from their relationship when he raped her in that bathroom.

Lily feels Rufus' lips graze the top of her head and she closes her eyes, reminding herself that he is doing that because he loves her, not expecting anything in return. She relaxes for a brief moment, almost managing to smile, but it falls short. Lily should be excited to head home after the opera and the hospital, but she can't conjure up the emotion. The only thing approaching an actual feeling for her is gratitude for Rufus standing by her side. That might fade though; she doesn't know how long he intends on sticking around.

"Lil…" His deep voice captures her attention, causing her to become aware of her surroundings again. The car is parked in front of her apartment complex. Lily takes a deep breath in; suddenly she is scared to leave the car. Rufus reaches for the door handle, but she pulls him back, silently communicating with him that she needs a second or two to collect herself. "Hey, we don't have to go anywhere until you are ready, okay?"

_He is so sweet, what did I do to deserve him? _Lily thinks, nibbling on her bottom lip. Rufus watches Lily assess herself, looking to see how many scrapes and bruises are visible in the scrubs she is wearing. She gives him the go-ahead with a small nod and he swings open the door. Rufus gets out first, holding his hand out for her. She clasps it, inching her way out of the town car. They walk into the penthouse slowly, seeing Vanya on the way in.

"Oh Ms. Lily, there you are, Ms. Serena and Mr. Eric were asking about you," Vanya's strong, accented voice catches Lily off guard and she backs up behind Rufus, still gripping onto his hand. Rufus watches her shrink back and the confusion on the doorman's face is apparent.

"Hi Vanya, we are going to see them now. Have a good night," Lily pieces her sentence together, reminding herself that the kindhearted man hasn't been clued in on the events of the past few hours. She doesn't want to give him the impression that he should treat her any differently. Rufus gives Vanya a reassuring grin and brings Lily to the elevator. Inside the elevator, Lily buries her head in her hands, admonishing herself for her minor slipup in front of Vanya. Rufus sees her pull away from him the slightest bit and he wonders how to help her.

"Lil, what's wrong?" She shakes her head and then remembers that a mere head shake won't relay her current thoughts.

"I got scared by Vanya, _Vanya. _Rufus, do you know how pathetic that is?" He sweeps his bent finger over her cheek; he figured that would be her knee-jerk reaction, to blame herself for simply jumping when someone's voice was a little too loud. Fear and surprise are two closely entangled emotions; she could have easily reached for one when she meant the other.

"Honey, it's not your fault, I don't think you were expecting him to approach you like that. You weren't scared _of _him, you were scared _by_ him." Rufus is careful to point out the distinction between the two. All he receives in return is a nod from her as the elevator doors open. He observes her response to stepping off the elevator, into the penthouse. She is cautious, looking around to see if anyone is going to jump out at her.

Lily swallows, scanning the dimly lit penthouse, hoping that the kids aren't planning an ambush. Relief washes over her, this is the first time since Jack that she has felt safe. She is in her own home, somewhere that is protected from any person that would try to enter without her permission.

"Mom! You are home!" Serena exclaims from the top of the stairs, Eric on her tail. Lily is guessing that Serena came home and told Eric what had happened at the opera. She is a little nervous as to how the kids are going to treat her. Lily is still their mother and doesn't want to be coddled by her own children. Her eyes flicker over to Rufus', asking him for assistance on how to approach Serena and Eric.

Serena's arms wrap around Lily, accidentally pressing on her damaged shoulder. Lily recoils, a hiss of pain sliding through her clenched teeth. The teenager immediately stands back, her eyebrows furrowed. Eric hovers behind his sister, his eyes wide with intrigue after seeing what just transpired. "I'm sorry mom. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I'm going to change and go to bed. It's late; you two should probably get some sleep. We can talk in the morning." Boundaries are very important for Lily right now. She needs everything and every relationship in her life to stay the same after what Jack did to her in order to eventually return to normalcy. Lily gives her kids a swift kiss on the cheek and goes to stand behind Rufus.

Rufus secretly gives the kids a look, telling them to just let it go for the time being. He knows that Lily would not want to be questioned by her kids, preferring to spare them the details of what happened earlier tonight. Serena and Eric mutter their goodnights and disappear into their rooms. Lily presses her hand to her forehead and sighing deeply.

"Come on sweetheart, let's go get you cleaned up," Rufus softly tells her, not giving her the time to overanalyze how she could have handled that encounter with her children differently. Lily swallows and lets him bring her upstairs, through her bedroom and into the adjoining bathroom. Watching Rufus fuss with the handles on the bathtub, the urge to start crying unexpectedly takes a hold of Lily. She brings her fingers up to her mouth in order to stifle the small sob that is attempting to slide out of her lips.

Rufus turns to face her, seeing a lone tear trickle down her cheek. He clears his throat, the gaps of silence filled with pain growing between them inside her master bathroom.

"Do…do you need help getting undressed Lil?" He asks, his throat coursed with emotions that only she could evoke in him. Lily stares up at him, eternally grateful to him for doing his best not to let the misery she is feeling swallow her whole.

"Yes," Lily lifts her arms up slowly, reminding herself that he has already seen her bruises in the stark lighting of the hospital and he was fine with them.

Rufus lets his thumb meander up her abdomen as he pulls the scrub top off of her body, grinning slightly when her blonde ringlets fully releases from the chignon they were trapped in. Lily's breasts are fully exposed, as are the painful marks that Jack left on them. He sees her avert his gaze, looking anywhere but his face.

"Look at me," He whispers to her, remembering that he had her back to him when they were in the hospital room. Lily nibbles on the inside of her cheek and brings her eyes up to his. She wishes that this was any ordinary time that he has slept over when they would decide to take a bath together. They would already be snuggling under the bubbles, he sprinkling kisses on her neck and shoulders, her pretending to be annoyed by it.

"We don't have to do this," she whispers. Rufus bends down to take her pants off before gently splashing his hand on her cheek.

"What Jack did to you is nothing you should be ashamed of. You fought that bastard with everything you had." Rufus adds conviction in his tone, holding their gaze. Lily starts trembling and Rufus takes a risk by pressing a kiss to her cheek, affirming that she is still the brave, confident and stubborn woman that she has always been. "Are you ready to get in the tub?"

"I…yes…" Lily answers quickly with her eyes flickering over his face. She hopes that he isn't going to press her for details about the rape; she isn't ready to talk about it. In due time, she will answer every question she can to the best of her abilities, but not now. The wounds and memories are too fresh for her; she can still hear Jack yelling in her ear and sense his hands on her flesh.

"Hold on to me," Rufus warns, predicting that Lily will try to get in without any assistance. Lily glances at him briefly before grabbing his bicep for support, putting one foot in and then the other, carefully lowering herself down into the water. "You okay?" he can see the pain flare up in her face, hating the feeling of not being able to take that away from her.

"Yeah," her voice comes out as high pitch and unconvincing. Rufus hands her body wash and a washcloth. He doesn't want to overstep and will only help if she asks him to. Lily squirts the lavender body wash onto the washcloth and begins washing herself. Although, washing wouldn't be the correct term, it's more like she is trying to scrape her skin off.

Lily is frantically rubbing the washcloth over her body, creating angry crimson blotches throughout. Rufus swallows deeply and rests his hand on her upper arm.

"Lil,"

"_What?" _Lily snaps and then her eyes widen, wondering where that irritation came from. She lets out a frustrated sigh and drops the washcloth into the water. "I'm sorry, Rufus," she murmurs quietly.

"It's okay, do you need help washing your hair?" Rufus hates to admit that he felt a tinge of relief when she snapped at him. That is the first genuine emotion that she expressed since he found her in the bathroom. He is glad that she is finally starting to articulate her feelings to him, even if it is simple annoyance.

Rufus scoops up a cup that is resting on the counter and fills it with water. Lily applies the shampoo and tilts her head back, allowing the water to flow from her head down her back. "I'm going to go find something for you to wear." He gives her a few moments to collect herself, knowing that she has yet to wash the most sensitive areas of her body.

Lily watches him walk into her walk-in closet, feeling her heart beat a little faster. _Just concentrate on something else. He will only be gone for a few seconds. It's not a big deal, Lily. _She gathers up the washcloth and fills it with more body wash, lathering it over her breasts and chest.

Rufus quickly goes into her closet, searching through her drawers for something that she would feel comfortable wearing. He finds her pajama drawer, frowning when it is full of scandalous chemises and teddies with cutouts. He needs to hurry up; he doesn't want her to think that he has left her stranded in the bathroom. Luckily, he locates a silk plum pajama set bunched up in the corner of the large drawer. He snatches both sets of clothing and hurries back in the bathroom.

Lily has her head down and is keeping herself busy by washing her inner thighs, wincing when the washcloth dances over the sensitive area covered in bruises. Rufus sits on the toilet seat, waiting for her signal that she wants to get out of the tub. She reaches up to put the washcloth on a nearby shelf and then looks to him, wanting to see what he picked out for her to wear.

"Are you ready to get out?" He asks and sets the pajamas to the side so he can reach behind her to pull the drain up, sending the water swirling down. Lily attempts to stand up, but is met with a disapproving look by Rufus and relents. She hates to concede that she needs his support for very simple tasks even though she realizes that he is more than willing to help.

Rufus eases her out of the tub, swaddling her in a plush gray towel.

"I wasn't sure what you want to wear," he begins sheepishly and points to the pajamas folded on the counter. Lily shrugs; she didn't even realize that she still had that particular set of pajamas. She dries herself off, flinching when the towel rubs up against her bruises. Rufus stands back, waiting for her to ask him to help her get dressed.

After Lily is dressed and ready for bed, they walk into her bedroom. Rufus looks down at himself, noticing that he is still wearing the tuxedo he went to the opera in. He shrugs off his blazer and flips off his shoes, wondering what he is going to wear to bed. They haven't exactly established drawers at each other's places yet.

"Hey Lil, do you have anything of mine that I can wear?" Lily nods and points to a top drawer. Rufus pulls it open, smiling when he sees a pair of his pajama pants and an old Lincoln Hawk tee mixed in with her underwear. He takes a moment to shed the tuxedo and slip into more comfortable clothing.

Lily freezes at the foot of her bed, turning to see Rufus preoccupied with getting dressed. She doesn't want to go to bed, but she knows she has to. It's just the thought of being in the dark with your own thoughts that terrifies her. Lily knows that flashbacks from the attack are going to come at her in painfully detailed fragments and she isn't sure she is going to be able to handle it.

Rufus changes and glances over his shoulder, seeing Lily staring at her bed with trepidation. He wishes that he could give her one of the pain pills the nurse prescribed, but she hasn't eaten anything. More than likely, she would just throw it back up in a few hours. They aren't going to get much sleep tonight which is already abundantly clear. Lily is almost certainly going to have nightmares as her casual façade begins to melt away, leaving her with nothing but the frightening memories of what Jack did to her.

He comes up behind her, snagging her hand, bringing her over to the side she designated as hers. Rufus pulls back the covers and gestures for her to climb in. Lily shakes her head and cups her hand over her mouth, tears pricking her eyes.

"What is it Lil?" He wants her to articulate her fear in the best way she can.

"I…I don't …want…to." Rufus collects her in a hug, keeping his hand off of her bandaged shoulder.

"I know baby, but you can't keep running on any hours of sleep. Can you please try, for me?" Lily knows deep down that he is right. Her body and mind has reached its limit, staying awake will only make her more emotionally unstable. She slinks under the covers and tracks Rufus with her eyes until he climbs in next to her.

Lily presses her lips tightly together in pain when her body first makes contact with the mattress. She adjusts some pillows and rolls on her stomach, knowing that her back and sides will be too painful.

Rufus bites his lip, wondering how they can accommodate to Lily's needs. Undoubtedly, she is going to want to be in constant contact with him as she tries to sleep, using him as a safety net to combat her nightmares.

"I think if you scoot closer to me and keep lying on your stomach, it will help." He reads her mind and a grin tugs at the corner of his lips. Lily doesn't say a word as she does what he suggested. Her arm is slung around his abdomen, her head is nestled on his shoulder, and her leg is tangled with his. Rufus cocoons himself around her, creating a shield of sorts so she feels comfortable.

Rufus keeps a consistent rhythm of rubbing her arm, hoping that will ultimately lull her to sleep. He can tell that she is even hesitant to close her eyes. He is willing to stay up with her and talk about the events of tonight, but a part of him knows that she isn't ready for that. Rufus wants Lily to fall asleep first, as long as that takes, because he realizes that she won't stay asleep for very long.

_Okay Lily, just close your eyes. Rufus isn't going anywhere, he will be there when you wake up. Just…close…your eyes and try to think of anything else but Jack Bass._

Lily draws a lazy pattern on the fabric of Rufus' t-shirt as she tries to relax her aching body. Eventually, she stops fighting it and slowly lets her eyes close, the haunting memories of Jack attacking her invading her dreams.

_"I'll be right back," Lily whispers in Rufus' ear, pressing her lips against his. Rufus smiles and kisses her right back,_

_ "Don't be too long." They separate at the entrance to the theatre, Lily going into the powder room to freshen up, Rufus going to find Dan and Serena. She strolls into the powder room, searching through her clutch to find her lipstick. Jack Bass slinks in, shutting and locking the door behind him. Lily sees him in the mirror, glancing up to ask him what he is doing in here. _

_ He rips the lipstick out of her hand and throws it aimlessly in the corner of the room. Lily attempts to bypass him, having enough of his antics for one night. Jack steps in front of her, reeking of marijuana and alcohol. She tries to get him to see that what he is about to do is a mistake, but he won't listen. Jack roughly grabs onto her wrist and slams her against the wall. _

_ "NO…get away from me!" Jack grabs her head and forcibly shoves his tongue in her mouth, pressing harder on her wrists when she struggles against him._

_ "Stop it bitch or I will make you suffer," Jack whispers in her ear and starts nipping at her neck. Lily tries to push him away, but each time he smashes her into the wall harder. _

_ "Jack…stop…" Lily manages to get Jack to back off a little, but he smacks her across the face and then puts his hand on her throat, crushing down on her larynx. She gasps for breath, her hands reaching out to desperately pull him away. Jack releases her, letting her collapse to the floor before picking her back up again and squeezing her breasts as punishment._

_ "You shouldn't defy me Lily," he warns, pushing her against the counter, bending her backwards slightly for a better angle. _

_ Lily is dizzy from the lack of oxygen and taking in ragged breath in an attempt to gain her breath back. She feels Jack forcibly ripping her panties off and tossing them in the same area as her lipstick. He clenches both of her wrists, yanking them over her head as he pushes her against the mirror, shattering the glass on contact. _

_ "Leave me alone!" Lily screams, her voice ragged from his hands pressing on his throat. Jack puts a hand over her mouth and twists her head so he has access to the other side of her neck. _

Rufus rolls over a few hours later, expecting Lily to be right at his side. He lifts his head up from the pillows, spotting Lily sitting up in bed next to him with her legs pulled up to her chest. The sound of her muffled sobs heard by him immediately even though she is trying to keep them to herself.

Feeling Rufus move into a seated position on the bed beside her, Lily frantically wipes away her tears.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," She whispers, her voice mangled by the gripping nightmare she just experienced.

"You don't have to be sorry Lil, not about this," he says, moving his hand to her undamaged shoulder.

The touch of Rufus' hand sends a shiver rolling down her spine as the horrible thoughts of what Jack had done to her collides with the comfort that Rufus is attempting to bring to her.

He isn't sure what he should do, but he isn't going to leave her perched at the end of the bed, reflecting on the memories that are plaguing her.

"Do you want to talk about anything?" He doesn't need a fully detailed account of her rape because he personally doesn't know if he can listen to her describe the ways Jack violated her.

Predictably, Lily shakes her head and sniffs, sweeping the back of her hand under her nose. Rufus waits for something he can do for her in order for her to feel safe.

"I'm fine," she insists. She doesn't want to dwell on the thoughts keeping her awake. In all honesty, the only thing Lily wants to do is to forget. If she never has to think about this night again, she will be thankful.

"_You are not fine," _Rufus says strongly, putting both of his hands on her cheeks. Lily turns toward him, wrapping her arms around his neck and stamping her lips against his with her tongue forcing itself into his mouth.

_I can't let us change; I don't want Jack to ruin what we have. I don't want Jack to ruin me. _Lily thinks as she brings Rufus on top of her, being greeted by the sharp pain radiating in her back. Rufus freezes when he hears Lily cry out into his mouth. Her actions towards him weren't what he was expecting. He is afraid what will happen if he can't help her through the excruciating mental and physical turmoil she is experiencing right now. He also doesn't want her to feel like he is pushing her away.

Rufus softens their kiss before moving his lips from hers, looking down into her eyes that are wide with fear.

"Lil…we can't…" he starts to say, but is cut off.

"Please Rufus," Lily pleads with him, her voice sounding hollow and lost as she moves her lips towards his. Rufus presses his hands firmly on the mattress, not letting her shift his weight onto her again.

"Lily…stop…" his voice is soft, but firm, his heart aching when tears pool into her chocolate eyes. "This can't happen yet, I don't want to hurt you and I know I will if we try…" His hand caresses her cheek.

"I need this Rufus…I need us." Lily replies as a tear escapes her eyes. She is so terrified of falling apart that she is willing to endure any amount of pain if it means that their bodies can fuse together again. Lily needs to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he still wants her as much as she wants him.

"Not like this," His lips press on her forehead, feeling her quiver beneath him.

"No! I don't…I can't have you pity me!" Lily chokes out as another tear of misery slithers down her ivory skin. Rufus tilts his head down, locking eyes with her.

"That is something I would never do," he tells her directly. The absolute last emotion Rufus feels towards Lily is pity. He can't even begin to describe the level of bravery he has seen emerge from her over the last few hours. "Listen to me Lil, no matter how you feel about yourself right now…you are still the most beautiful woman in the world to me. I love everything about you; except for your need to steal the covers." He relishes in the most miniscule grin that turns up her lips for a split second.

Lily wipes away another tear attempting to cascade down her cheek and nods. She hates to ask, but she still needs to know.

"Do…do…you still…love me?" Her voice is so raw and vulnerable, it breaks Rufus' heart. He understands her need to ask him that, even though he just told her that he loves everything about her. She has to be aware that nothing has changed between them and he still loves her just as much now as he did when he woke up this morning.

"With all of my heart," His response would make Lily, pre-Jack, scrunch her nose and roll her eyes, muttering something along the lines of "marshmallow" as their lips mesh together. Now, post-Jack, Lily buries her head into the curve of his neck, sighing in relief. Rufus relaxes and combs his fingers through her blonde hair that is iridescent in the moonlight.

"Thank you," she whispers, her temple rubbing up against the stubble beginning to form on his cheek. He holds her tighter and his lips graze the top of her head.

"Let's try and get some more sleep," Rufus tells her. Lily slowly nods; she is scared of what's going to happen again when she closes her eyes. She takes a deep breath and curls into Rufus, kissing him softly on the jaw. He doesn't let her see his surprise at the sensation of her lips touching his skin. He isn't going to make a big deal out of it, not wanting her to feel like that was the wrong thing to do.

The sunlight streams through the shades in Lily's bedroom, creating streaks across her face. Rufus is sleeping softly, his arms tightly banded around her. Lily is halfway between sleeping and waking, alternating between the two. She wonders what time it is and how much sleep she has managed to accumulate. Her eyes close again, her hand reaching up to wipe away a tear barreling down her cheek.

Rufus' eyes flutter open a few hours later when he hears soft whimpers coming from Lily. He glances down, seeing her quivering, her brow deeply furrowed.

"Lil, it's okay, he's not here," Rufus whispers to her. Lily balls his shirt up in her fist and sharply rolls into him, the motion creating a spasm in her back. She jolts awake, her top teeth clamping down on her lip to suppress a moan.

"Ow…" she mumbles. Rufus moves his hand to rub her back, wishing the pain would disappear along with the bruises. She tenses slightly under his touch and moves deeper into the pillows, away from him. He stops, realizing that he moved about two steps ahead of her on accident.

"Sorry Lil, I didn't mean…" She shakes her head, not letting him finish his apology. She shouldn't be afraid of Rufus, but sometimes her mind fails to see the distinction between him and Jack. Rufus isn't going to violate her like Jack did, he loves her, like he said last night. So why doesn't she believe him?

"It's okay, what time is it?" Rufus uses his free arm to grab his cell phone, noticing that both of his children called him several times last night.

"A little after eight, should we have something to eat?" They both haven't had anything to eat or drink since dinner last night before the opera which was over fifteen hours ago.

"I'm not hungry," Lily proclaims. Rufus quirks an eyebrow, how could she not be? "I still…I can still taste him in my mouth…" she whispers. He nods, hoping that she is starting to open up to him about what happened last night. She stops, looking up to him for an answer to solve her problem.

"Well…we can start with something small, like toast and juice, maybe even a pancake or two if you are feeling adventurous." Lily swallows, hearing the kids downstairs chatting amongst themselves.

"You are going to stay, right?" She doesn't want to face her children alone yet.

"Of course, who else is going to cook for you?" Lily bites her lip and stands up slowly, her back throbbing from the abrupt movement a few minutes ago. Rufus grabs her hand, bringing her downstairs, but she stops at the doorway, pulling him back. "What's wrong Lil?"

Her lips roll together and she concentrates on the door handle rather than his face.

"What if…if…they ask me questions? What if I can't answer them?" He slowly steps toward her, cupping her cheek to get her to look at him.

"You don't have to tell Serena and Eric anything you don't want to. They are your kids Lily; they will understand that you aren't ready to talk yet. I will help you, okay?"

"Okay." Rufus leads the way down the stairs and into the kitchen. Serena and Eric look up from their bowls of cereal, exchanging nervous glances.

"Hey kids, do you guys want anything else to eat?" Rufus breaks the ice and lets go of Lily's hand. Lily hovers at the counter, afraid to approach her own kids.

"No, we are good, thanks though Rufus. You okay, mom?" Serena asks, not really knowing how to handle this new dynamic in her relationship with her mother.

"Yeah, I'm fine." A thought clicks in Lily's mind and she starts glancing around the penthouse. She frantically searches all over the counter, dining table and living room causing Serena and Eric to try and secretly get Rufus' attention.

Rufus puts pieces of toast in the toaster for him and Lily, spinning around to see Serena and Eric staring at him. He furrows his eyebrows and Eric gestures over to Lily who is still performing a thorough search of her penthouse.

"Sweetheart, what are you looking for?" Lily spins at the sound of Rufus' voice and lets out a breath of frustration.

"Where is the newspaper? It's always here in the morning, _where is it?_" She demands, not liking how everything has seemed to have changed so drastically for her in the past twelve hours.

Rufus is at a loss for words, he isn't sure why she is so insistent on locating the newspaper. He looks at the kids, asking with his eyes to help disarm Lily.

"Vanya brought it up this morning, it's on the table by the elevator, mom," Eric speaks up for the three of them. Lily practically sprints over to the table, snatching the newspaper off of it. Serena, Rufus and Eric watch her flip through the pages, still clueless as to what she is doing.

Lily lands on the society section, her eyes scanning for any indication that the rape was reported in the papers last night. She lets out a shaky breath of relief when all she sees is the picture they took of her and Rufus with a little blurb about their new relationship. Lily folds the newspaper in half and holds her hand over her eyes, hoping that her children don't see the tears forming.

Serena and Eric stay seated while Rufus abandons breakfast to rush to Lily's side, curious as to why she is crying.

"Lil, what's wrong?" She wipes her eyes and holds up the newspaper.

"They don't know, Rufus. They don't know what he did to me. It's not in here." Lily gives him an authentic grin and presses her bent finger to the corner of her eye, stopping the tear that is threatening to fall.

"That's great Lil." The thought didn't even occur in Rufus' mind that the press would get a hold of Lily's attack. He is thankful that it wasn't the latest headline, knowing what the public scrutiny would do to her.

"Uh…Rufus…the toast," Eric interrupts them, pointing to the charred toast left in the toaster. Lily goes to sit down next to Serena, slowly easing her way into the seat, ignoring her children's concerned glances.

Rufus tosses the toast in the garbage and starts over, asking Lily if she wants anything to drink.

"Orange juice please," Lily says to him. He gets it for her, handing the cup to her. The sleeve of her pajamas rolls up, exposing the bruising on her wrist. Eric clenches his fists underneath the table while Serena does everything she can to not stare at her mother. Lily quickly grabs the glass and pulls her sleeve back down, hoping that the kids don't ask about it.

"Your breakfast will be done in a sec Lil," Rufus fills the awkward space around them and reminds her that she can take a pain pill after breakfast if she wants.

A few minutes pass before Rufus comes to the table, carrying a plate for the both of them. Lily takes a few bites, mostly drinking the orange juice, something strong enough to replace the other bitter taste in her mouth left there by Jack. Serena and Eric do their best to steer the conversation in other ways, specifically not mentioning anything about any part of last night. Rufus carries most of the conversation for Lily who is trying her hardest to stomach the toast.

After breakfast, Serena goes to get ready to hang out with Blair while Eric goes into his room. Rufus cleans up breakfast and Lily takes her medication, needing something to take the edge off of her back pain. Rufus bites his lip, knowing what he is about to bring up is going to be unpleasant for her.

Lily yawns and moves over to the couch, asking Rufus to join her. Serena comes out of her bedroom fifteen minutes later, fully dressed and clutching her cell phone.

"I'll be back in a bit mom; I think Chuck wants to see you when you are ready." Lily nods; she doesn't think she can handle seeing Chuck yet. It's nothing personal towards her now adoptive son, but she isn't up to having visitors. Serena flips her golden hair over her shoulder and gets in the elevator.

Rufus catches Lily yawn again and wonders how much sleep she actually got last night. It wouldn't be a bad idea for her to try and get some shut eye while the pain pill she took does its job. Plus, he knows that she isn't going to want him to leave.

"Lil, why don't you try and get some more sleep?" Lily shakes her head; she is perfectly fine running on about four hours of sleep if it means that she doesn't have to have any more nightmares.

"No…I don't want to." Rufus sighs, he really should go back to the loft and check on his kids, but he isn't going to leave until she is comfortable.

"Lil, I…think I should go see if Dan and Jenny are okay at the loft and grab some new clothes." Lily's eyes widen, she knew Rufus was going to leave her when she was just starting to regain her footing. Her hand falls out of his and she backs away from him.

"Fine…go…I don't need you here." Rufus had a feeling she would react this way. She thinks that he is abandoning her so she is shutting him out to make it easier on herself. He tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Honey, I'm not leaving you. You can come with me to the loft if you want." Lily doesn't want to be around Dan and Jenny at the moment. She has a hard enough time being around her own children. Rufus bites his lip; he should have thought this through before telling her.

"I…I can't…you should go…"

"How about I stay with you until you fall asleep?" Lily sighs, she appreciates Rufus trying to make her feel safe before taking off, but she won't be until he comes back.

"Okay…I can try…" Rufus and Lily walk hand-in-hand back to her bedroom. They resume the same position they were in last night with Rufus gently stroking her arm until her breathing evens out. He leaves her a note; promising to be back as soon as possible and telling her that she can call him if she needs to.

Rufus untangles himself from her and changes back into his tuxedo from the night before. He brushes a kiss over her hair and leaves the penthouse. Vanya hails Rufus a taxi and he is headed back to Brooklyn.

When Rufus steps into his loft, Dan and Jenny are in the middle of an intense game of Scrabble. They immediately stop and make room on the couch for their dad to sit.

"How's Lily doing?" Dan asks. Serena told him what happened to her mother last night at the opera. Dan knew something was wrong when Rufus couldn't find Lily, but he didn't think Jack Bass would go so far as to rape her. Rufus shakes his head and leans back into the couch.

"Not good, I will be staying with her at the penthouse for the time being. I can't stay long; she doesn't feel safe by herself."

"Okay, well tell Lily that we want to help her in any way we can," Jenny tells her dad. She doesn't know Lily that well, but she knows that her father is crazy about her. Rufus smiles; knowing that his daughter means what she is telling him.

"I will, thanks Jen. I have to go get out of this tux." Rufus leaves his kids to finish the Scrabble game while he goes into the room, closing the door behind him.

He would never admit this to Lily, but he wants to be at the loft to decompress for a few minutes. It has nothing to do with her, but he still hasn't processed what has happened to her. He doesn't know how to help her, or if what he is trying to do is actually hurting her more.

Rufus chooses his clothes and sits on his bed for a second, rubbing his face in his hands. He should really get going because he doesn't want Lily to wake up alone. A part of him doubts that she was really sleeping and just pretending for him. He gets dressed and leaves his room, sitting on his couch with Dan and Jenny for a few minutes before he leaves again.

His cell phone rings from the counter where he left it when he first entered the loft. Rufus runs to get it, wanting to make sure Lily isn't calling him. It's Eric, which has Rufus very nervous.

"Eric? What's going on?" Rufus can hear sobbing in the background and is assuming that it's Lily. Guilt slices through him; almost cutting him in half. Why in the hell did he think it was a good idea to leave her?

"It's mom…you need to get back here now."

**A/N: That's where I leave you! Next chapter, Lily finally opens up to Rufus a little, but she is reluctant at first. What do you guys want happen next chapter? As far as updating goes, I will give you guys a choice. Either I write one more chapter of this before I go back to **_**F&amp;F **_**or I will just update **_**F&amp;F **_**and give this one a break for a bit. Thanks for reading and please leave a review on your way out.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Ah! You guys are amazing! Thank you for all the reviews I have received for **_**Rewrite**_**, I am deeply grateful for every single one. I don't really have an estimated length or plan in general for this story; I am just taking it chapter by chapter. Again, this chapter is rated M for a reason, so proceed with caution. Without further ado…here's chapter three!**

**Chapter Three **

_"Eric? What's going on?" Rufus can hear sobbing in the background and is assuming that it's Lily. Guilt slices through him; almost cutting him in half. Why in the hell did he think it was a good idea to leave her?_

_ "It's mom…you need to get back here now." _

He knows he shouldn't have left her alone, she wasn't ready. He was being selfish, choosing to think of himself and his children rather than her well being. He wonders if she is even going to want him to come back since she didn't call, somebody else did on her behalf.

Rufus lets the phone skim down his cheek, the dial tone interrupting his current thoughts. Dan and Jenny are staring at him, waiting for an answer as to why their father looks so terrified and guilty.

"Dad, what's going on? Is it Lily?" Jenny asks, concern widening her cobalt eyes. Rufus clears his throat, patting his pockets to make sure he has his wallet before he vacates the loft.

"I shouldn't have left her…I have to go. Call me if you need something…I really should leave…" Rufus repeats and briskly walks out of the loft. Jenny glances at Dan who shrugs his shoulders, not really understanding what just happened.

Rufus jogs down the stairs, catching a cab on the sidewalk outside of his apartment building. He berates the taxi driver to snake his way through Manhattan traffic quickly, needing to get to Lily as soon as possible.

"Damn it, come on!" Rufus yells to no one in particular when the taxi pulls to a stop at another red light. He glances outside the window, recognizing that he is about a block or two away from the penthouse. "Here, just take this." Rufus hands the driver almost double the fare and climbs out of the taxi, deciding to just run the rest of the way.

"Mr. Rufus, Mr. Eric has been calling for you ever since you left, he sounds scared," Vanya tells him, trying to catch up with Rufus who bursts through the doors of the apartment complex, making a bee-line for the elevators.

"Thanks Vanya!" Rufus exclaims over his shoulder and pounds the elevator button. He swears under his breath and steps on, letting the elevator doors close in front of him.

Eric greets him in the living room, looking utterly terrified. Rufus can hear Lily sobbing from upstairs and bypasses Eric, his only focus is getting to her.

"Lily, I'm coming." He calls out, bolting up the stairs and taking a left into the master bedroom. Serena is already with Lily, trying to unsuccessfully soothe her hysterical mother. Lily is lying on the bathroom floor on her stomach, clutching a half-empty bottle of gin. Tendrils of her blonde hair are slipping out of the ponytail she secured them in this morning. Her sobs bounce off the floor, echoing through the room.

"I heard mom throw up and then I came upstairs. She's been like this ever since," Eric whispers from behind Rufus and Serena. Rufus shudders at the fact that Lily threw up and he wasn't there to comfort her. Now she is like this, having the break down he knew she was going to have.

"Okay." Rufus bends down and strokes Lily's hair. He is trying to think of a way to pick her up without causing her pain. Serena and Eric unknowingly slip out of the room, letting Rufus console their mother. Lily tenses under his touch and looks up to see who has their hand on her back.

"Rufus?" Her voice is so soft; he has to strain to hear her. He cups her cheek, wishing that the lost look in her eyes would vanish.

"I'm here Lil." She bites her lip, debating whether to be angry at him for leaving or comforted by the fact that he came back.

"Y-y…You left me…" Lily sobs, her whole body aching by the uncontrollable trembles taking a hold of her.

"I am so sorry." Lily reaches for the bottle of gin with the intent of polishing the rest off. Rufus gently pries it out of her hands, despite her protests. "Lil, you don't need this." She shakes her head, holding her shaky hand to her temple as a terrible realization sweeps over her face.

"He…he raped me…he did this to me…that son of a bitch…" Lily yanks the bottle out of Rufus' hands and throws it against the wall, jumping when it shatters on impact.

Rufus flinches; he has never seen this level of anger stemming from Lily before. She has always been calm, in control, never letting her emotions cloud her judgment. He rests his hand on her back, rubbing soothing circles. She turns to him, a fresh batch of tears pooling in her eyes.

"It's okay sweetheart…" He reassures her and draws her into him, being careful not to apply too much pressure. Her flare up of rage bleeds into grief as her sobs return in full fury. She severs their embrace to inch toward the toilet, hovering over it for a second before she throws up.

Rufus tucks her hair back, letting her dry heave while he reaches up with one hand to grab a cup of water. "Here, Lil, take a sip." He holds the cup for her, letting her drink it slowly. She takes a few deep breaths and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Thank you…" she mumbles, flicking away a tear from the corner of her eyelid.

"I'm not going to leave you again, okay? I'm here," Rufus firmly tells her. She nods, giving him a watery smile. He scoops her up off the uncomfortable tile floor, one arm under the bend in her knee, the other coiled around the middle of her back, avoiding the bruising.

Lily drapes her arms around his neck, burying her head into his shoulder. She can't help but cry again at his promise, whisking away her worst fear of him abandoning her for good. He gingerly sets her down on the comforter, climbing into bed beside her. She automatically reaches for him, resting her head on his upper chest while she cries.

Rufus knows he should ask, but he is afraid that he would be taking advantage of her already vulnerable state. However, if he doesn't inquire about it now, he might never have the courage to do so later. Lily might push him away because of it, but he will feel even guiltier if he let her conceal the memories without properly addressing them.

"Lil…do you want to talk about it?" He asks gently, pressing his nose against her silky blonde hair. Lily shakes her head and clutches the collar of his gray and maroon flannel tighter.

"No," she whispers, hiding her head in the arc of his neck. Rufus lets out a deep breath as he nibbles on the inside of his cheek.

"You need to talk about it…" he tries again. She brings her head up; her eyes are red and puffy from crying. Betrayal works its way into the crevices of her features; she doesn't comprehend why he wants her to discuss the rape with him.

"_Why are you doing this to me?" _She whispers, despair laced into her voice. Rufus freezes and uses his finger to brush a stray piece of hair away from her heartbreaking chocolate eyes. He is pushing her to give answers before she is ready, the one thing he promised himself he wouldn't do. It's not fair to Lily, she is already broken up enough over her attack, and he needs to be careful before she shuts him out completely.

"I'm sorry honey; we don't have to talk about anything if you don't want to." He reaffirms his words by pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead. Lily's eyebrows scrunch together as she gazes at him skeptically. She is terrified of him leaving again, but she wants him to understand that they have to do this her way.

"Okay…" She murmurs as a fresh batch of tears pool in her eyes. Lily presses herself against his t-shirt and lets her eyes flutter closed. Rufus can sense the wetness from her tears clinging to the fabric of his flannel. His fingers skim over her back, letting her cry herself to sleep as he tries to whisper comforts in her ear.

Eventually, Lily is able to fall back asleep for real this time, the constant sobbing has exhausted her. Rufus checks to make sure Lily is actually asleep before he untangles himself from her. He exits her room, going downstairs to check on Serena and Eric.

The two children are sitting at the counter, sipping on coffee and looking a little shaken up. Rufus pours himself a cup of coffee and leans on the counter, wanting to offer calming words to the kids.

"Is mom okay?" Serena asks, pressing the mug to her lips. Eric stares at Rufus, waiting for an update on Lily. Rufus heavily sighs, setting down the cup on the granite to rub his face in his hands.

"Lil is sleeping now. She is doing as well as can be expected considering…" He pauses to take a sip of coffee, "Look kids, your mother is going to have some good days and some bad days because of this."

"What can we do for her?" Eric asks, speaking for him and Serena. Rufus is guessing that Lily has never let her kids see her cry so heavily before and they aren't sure how to react.

"Honestly, I really don't know…I think the best thing is to just be there for her. I know that she wouldn't want you kids treating her differently because she is still your mother." Serena and Eric nod, agreeing with Rufus, grateful that Lily has someone that loves her here helping her.

"Chuck keeps calling and texting me since he can't get a hold of mom. He really wants to see her, but I wasn't sure what to tell him." Serena tells Rufus. Rufus thinks for a second, Lily left her cell phone in her clutch that is still at the opera. He bites his lip; he won't make her go back there to recover her phone; that would just be cruel.

"Oh…well don't tell Chuck anything yet, Lil should probably be the one to make that decision. I should probably go back upstairs and sit with her so she doesn't wake up alone." Rufus leaves the kids in the kitchen to contemplate what he just told them. He hopes that Lily isn't in the throes of another nightmare while he was downstairs talking to the kids.

He swings open the master bedroom door, breathing a sigh of relief when he sees her sleeping soundly on one side of the bed, enveloping herself around a pillow. Rufus kicks off his shoes and slinks under the covers beside her, bringing her back into his arms. She stirs in her sleep a little, readjusting to the contours of his body. Lily unconsciously slings an arm around his abdomen and moves her head further onto his chest. He grazes a kiss to her hair, closing his eyes in the hopes that they can both get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Lily was able to get a solid three hours of sleep before the nightmares relapsed. She tried to block out the painful memories that are terrorizing her, but they are too strong. Jack has a hold on her still, not allowing her to move on with her life, even in her dreams.

Rufus jolts awake when he hears her scream. He glances down and sees Lily thrashing around; her eyebrows deeply furrowed while tears cascade down her cheeks. He rubs his eyes and sits up in bed.

"Lil, honey, wake up." He makes sure to shake her uninjured shoulder, wanting to keep her pain to a minimum. Lily jerks awake and glances around, trying to remind herself that she is in her bedroom with Rufus, not in that bathroom with Jack. "Are you okay?"

Lily shakes her head and wipes her eyes, not liking the fact that she can't seem to last ten minutes without bursting into tears. Rufus receives the message and coils his arms around her, swallowing his desire to ask about her most recent nightmare. She sniffs and puts her head down onto his shoulder.

"When I was in that bathroom, all I could think about was you." Lily admits softly, trying to internally build up the courage to talk to Rufus about her attack. Rufus sucks in a breath, hoping that she is getting ready to open up to him on her own accord, not because she feels pressure from him.

"Lil, if you don't want to talk about this, we absolutely don't have to." Lily lifts her head up, wanting to look at him directly.

"I want…no, I _need_ to do this, but I just…I think I should start off slow." Rufus smiles, glad to see that she is the one that is opening up the dialogue.

"Okay, I will just listen, you can tell me as much or as little as you want." Lily nods, giving him the tiniest of smiles before putting her head back in its original spot. "If you want to stop, just let me know."

"I was going to leave, to find you, when he came in. I was trying to reason with him, tell him…that he should just walk away, but he wouldn't. He grabbed me and threw me against the wall. He…he…called me a bitch and told me…not to defy him." Rufus clamps down on his bottom lip hard to prevent himself from reacting to Lily's recount of her attack. He promised her that he would simply listen; she might close up all together if he were to show his unrelenting anger towards Jack.

She pauses, needing a second to collect herself, she can already feel her throat constricting with tears. "He grabbed me by the throat and held me against the wall the first time I tried to run away. After he let me go, he picked me up and slammed me against the mirror…h-h-holding his hand against my mouth. He would turn my head to the side so…he could bite at my neck. Every time I would try to fight him, he would squeeze my breasts or force me against the counter harder. That's how I got the bruising on my back." A tear rolls down her cheek as she remembers his breath hot against her ear. Rufus grabs her hand, banding their fingers together in solidarity.

"Do you want to continue Lil?" He asks, trying to keep his voice even, void of any emotions that he is currently experiencing. Lily hesitates and then gives him a nod, letting out a ragged breath.

"After…he choked me…I felt him rip my underwear off and throw it…he squeezed my thighs until I would part them and then…" A tear slips down the slope of her cheek as Lily remembers how hard she tried and failed to prevent this, "he…he…forcibly entered me." Lily chokes out a sob and clasps her hand over her mouth.

Rufus panics, thinking that she is going to throw up again. Lily shakes her head and lets herself fall into him, feeling soothed by his arms binding around her.

"I'm sorry Lil," Rufus mumbles into her hair, letting the scent of her shampoo invade his senses. Lily glances up at him, bewilderment playing on her face.

"Sorry about what? You didn't have anything to do with this."

"I let this happen to you, I should have…" Lily cuts him off, she feels guilty enough for the both of them.

"Don't do this to yourself. You don't have anything to be sorry for. You are here, that's enough." Lily clears her throat and remembers what she wanted to ask him about.

"How are the kids? They shouldn't have seen me like that, I should have been more careful." She scolds herself, not believing that Serena and Eric were able to get a front row seat to her melt down a few hours ago.

"No Lil, they saw you being human. There is nothing wrong with letting Serena and Eric see you cry, you're their mother and they know that. They don't think any less of you because of this. I think the kids were more concerned about you than anything else." He reassures her by softly pressing a kiss to her exposed temple. Lily relaxes slightly only to have another concern enter her mind.

"What about Chuck? Serena was saying that he wanted to see me. Is he here?"

"Serena did mention it to me, but I told her that he can come when you are ready." Lily ponders it for a second, she is frightened, but Chuck is her son, she can't avoid him forever.

"I want to see him." Rufus glides his tongue over his teeth; he is a little scared that she is overestimating her recovery right now. Just because she had this breakdown of sorts doesn't mean that she can't have another one in the near future. They need to take this slow, one step at a time. However, he meant what he said about leaving every decision up to her. If she wants to see Chuck, then he will support that choice, even if he secretly thinks it's the wrong one.

"Okay, I'll tell Serena. What do you want to do now?" Lily stretches out of his embrace as her eyes flicker around her bedroom.

"I should probably get dressed." She nervously swallows, wondering if there is anything that she can wear that will successfully conceal all of her abrasions.

"Okay, that sounds good. Do you need help getting dressed?" He asks, not knowing how bad her pain is compared to last night. Lily nods, the pain medication didn't get to assuage any discomfort because she threw it up right away.

Rufus assists her into a standing position and lets her wander through her massive walk-in closet, staying seated on her bed. Lily chooses a maroon turtleneck and some gray slacks, reemerging from the closet with a crestfallen look on her face. He had a feeling that she was going to choose something that is the least skin revealing and he can't blame her. Even though it's only him and the kids at the penthouse, Lily doesn't want anyone staring at the bruises, even if it's herself.

"I know I shouldn't be getting emotional about a sweater but…" She trails off, tears prickling her eyes for the countless number of times today.

"But you can because you are healing and it is okay to cry over a sweater. Come here, let me help." Lily lets him finish her sentence for her and moves closer to him. Rufus helps her change, not asking anymore questions about her injuries or rape, which she appreciates because she doesn't think she can talk about it anymore today. Maybe in time, she will go into deeper detail, but it was hard enough to give him that little fragment. Lily really wants to avoid crying for the rest of the day, having enough of her emotions overriding her usual in-control demeanor.

"Should we try to eat something again? Your stomach must me empty," Rufus gets off the bed, looking at her to make the call for the both of them. Lily is reluctant to go back downstairs, knowing that her children will be hovering; wanting to make sure she is still in one piece after what they witnessed earlier.

"Um…I'm not sure…the kids…" He holds out his hand, hoping that she will clasp it. Lily's stubborn resolve melts when she sees that he is willing to stay with her. She slips her hand into his, allowing him to bring her downstairs.

Not surprisingly, Serena can be heard from the kitchen laughing at something Eric just told her. They stop when they see their mother approach with Rufus, her holding onto his hand tightly.

"Hey kids," Rufus greets them, hoping that they won't ask Lily any questions.

"Hi," Lily replies sheepishly, still hiding behind Rufus a little bit. Serena and Eric glance at each other and step towards their mother, gathering her in a hug, being careful to avoid the bruising. Lily drops Rufus' hand and wraps her arms around both of her kids. The hug falls apart and the kids step back. Lily glances at Rufus nervously before focusing her attention back on the children. "I'm sorry about earlier, you guys…didn't need to see that."

"Don't be mom, we want to help you too, along with Rufus of course," Eric says, shooting a warning glance at Rufus to be careful about leaving Lily again. Rufus catches it and nods, understanding that Eric is very protective over his mother, as is Serena. Lily leans against Rufus' chest, grateful that she has him and the kids for support.

"So, what are we going to eat for dinner?" Rufus eases the conversation into something more light-hearted. Lily shrugs; she still isn't as hungry as she should be.

They end up ordering Chinese with Rufus ordering extra eggrolls to sway Lily into eating more. Lily, Eric, Serena and Rufus sit at the dining room table like a quasi-family to eat their dinner.

"Oh mom, I forgot to tell you, Chuck has been calling non-stop wanting to see you. It's weird actually," Serena says, unaware of the fact that Chuck was the one who found Lily in the bathroom. Lily forcibly swallows the bite she was munching on for the past several minutes,

"Can you call him for me? I don't know where my phone is," Lily says. Rufus swallows; he has to tell her, but he was kind of hoping that he could just go pick it up without her knowing.

"Lil, your phone is still…at the opera, I can go get it for you tomorrow." Serena is already on her phone texting Chuck, ignoring the conversation going on around her.

"I'm coming with you," Lily states. Rufus tilts his head to look at her, thinking that it would be a terrible idea for her to go back there, but he doesn't want to do anything behind her back.

"Lil…" he protests, but she shakes her head.

"Rufus, please, I'm coming with you." The insistence in her tone makes it hard for him to argue. He acquiesces with a clipped nod; he agreed to do this her way even if it will push her healing back several steps.

"Okay, we can go in the morning." Lily mumbles a soft thank you. She realizes that Rufus is just trying to protect her, but something inside of her needs to return to the opera so she knows that she can.

"Chuck says he will be here in about a half an hour. I think Eric and I are going to go to the loft if that's alright. I want to see Dan," Serena says to Lily.

"Sure," Lily agrees, her children need a break from hovering over her, even if they are trying their hardest not to. Lily and Rufus watch the children leave, breathing a sigh of relief that dinner didn't turn into a complete disaster.

"Lil, do you want me to stay with you when Chuck gets here?" Rufus knows that Chuck isn't exactly a fan of his currently, but Lily's well-being comes first over some teenage vendetta.

"Yes."

Chuck steps off the elevator, surprised to see Lily sitting on the couch with Rufus' arm draped over her shoulders. Lily seems better than she did yesterday, but there is still that guarded fear that remains in her eyes.

"Hi Charles, thanks for coming," Lily says, a miniscule grin tugging the corners of her mouth up. Chuck doesn't try to moves closer to Lily in any way, not wanting to scare her. Chuck and Rufus hold each other's gaze for a heartbeat, silently passing gratitude to one another. Rufus holds out his hand, extending an olive branch to the teenager. Chuck accepts, only because he is appreciative of Rufus supporting his adoptive mother through this trying time.

"Lily, how are you doing?" Chuck asks, concern marring his features. Lily lets out a breath, not really sure how to answer that question. She feels stuck, something that she can't really explain to Chuck or even Rufus. No matter how much she is trying to move on, she feels rooted to the same place.

"I'm doing…fine, I guess," Chuck watches Lily look to Rufus almost as if for confirmation. Rufus smiles at her, dusting a kiss over her hair. The teenager furrows his bushy eyebrows, trying to conjure up an apology for what his uncle did to her last night.

"Lily…I…don't know where to begin. I am so sorry…" Lily cuts Chuck off as soon as he begins with his mea culpa. She is going to tell her son the same thing she told Rufus.

"Chuck, what he did to me wasn't anyone's fault but his own. Don't blame yourself because you are related to him. You stopped him, that's what matters." Rufus notices that Lily still hasn't said Jack's name, not even when she was telling him details about her rape, all she says is "he".

Chuck absorbs her words, but still isn't letting himself off the hook, especially because of all that grief he gave her over bringing Rufus around before he was ready. He wants to let her know that he forgives her, even if there is nothing for her to be sorry for. Now is not the time though, not with everything that is going on with the whole Jack situation.

"If the offer still stands, I would like to move back in." Chuck wants to watch over her just in case Rufus decides he isn't sticking around.

"I would love that," Lily says sincerely, glad that they could bury the hatchet. Chuck nervously looks at Rufus, hoping that he won't get mad for bringing this up to Lily.

"Lily, I had Jack arrested last night…the police…want your statement." He watches Lily and Rufus have two contrasting reactions to his statement. Rufus looks relieved while Lily looks absolutely petrified. "I can leave their number for you."

"Oh…um…okay, thank you Charles," Lily mutters, her voice lowering to a whisper. Rufus looks down at Lily, wondering why she sounds so hesitant. He would think she would be thrilled over the fact that Jack was arrested for what he did to her, but she isn't. Instead, she sounds really frightened and a little annoyed. He is praying that Lily seizes the one opportunity they are going to get to put Jack behind bars for a long time, but he isn't so sure. Rufus makes a mental note to bring this up after Chuck leaves.

Chuck nervously smoothes down a non-existent crease in his tailored suit. He is scolding himself for mentioning his uncle in front of Lily, his mother looks extremely agitated. He locks eyes with Rufus over Lily's head, the older man silently communicating to Chuck that he will handle the fallout from her.

"I should go; I have to help Blair with some scheme. Here's the number and I will be back to check in later, Lily." Chuck leaves a business card he received from the arresting officer on the coffee table. Lily slowly stands up, following Chuck to the elevator. Rufus swipes the business card off the table, flipping it through his fingers until Lily comes back.

Lily returns, seeing the business card in Rufus hand and the slightly cheerful look on his face. She can't force herself to match Rufus' relieved feeling.

"Lil, we should give this guy a call and set up an interview so you can give your statement." Rufus is open to any chance to punish Jack for what he did to Lily. He was going to ask Chuck where his uncle was if he wouldn't have mentioned that Jack got arrested. Lily stills, turning her head to stare at him, her emotions tightly reigned in.

"Rufus…I don't think that would be a good idea." Rufus furrows his eyebrows at her, not seeming to comprehend why she isn't as ready as him.

"Why?" He can see Lily's walls go up as she pulls away from him to sit farther away on the couch.

"I think we should just let it be," is all she offers to him for an explanation. Rufus isn't letting her off that easily; he needs her to see the implications of them just letting Jack disappear, even it means he has to scare her.

"Lil, if they let him go, he might hurt you again. I don't want that to happen."

"He already hurt me in the worst way imaginable; there is nothing else that he could do to me." Rufus and Lily are clearly on two different wavelengths, which is very frustrating for the both of them.

"Well, don't you want to see him suffer for what he did to you?" Lily sighs heavily; she figured Rufus wouldn't see the bigger picture.

"You don't understand do you? If I go in there and tell the police everything that he did to me, there's going to be a trial. Everyone is going to know that I allowed for this to happen." Lily's throat burns with unshed tears, just the thought of people on the Upper East Side whispering about her is too much. Rufus feels bad for pushing her to the brink of tears, but he wants to make sure that she is presented with all of her options.

"Baby, you didn't _allow _him to do this to you; he is a miserable bastard that took something from you. I think that after the trial and with Jack in jail, we can move on from this, get some closure." Rufus doesn't comprehend the implications of what he is suggesting. A trial will bring the press which will get people talking.

Furthermore, Lily is sure that the defense will bring up her past marriages as ammo against her to try and convince the jury that she was asking for what Jack did to her. Rufus can't protect her from the public and legal scrutiny that she will receive as much as he wants to. She does admit that Rufus is right; it will bring her some solace knowing that Jack might be put away for a long time, but that might not be enough.

"Can we…talk about this later? I just don't…" Lily stops and covers her face with her hands, starting to cry. Rufus skates his hand up her spine, whispering an apology as he gathers her in his arms. He should have been more cautious when approaching that sensitive topic to her. Bombarding her with the possibility of a trial and seeing Jack again was not the best idea.

"I'm sorry Lil…I didn't want to push you." Lily relaxes in the familiarity of his arms. She realizes that Rufus didn't have any malicious intentions behind this; it just caught her off guard.

"I'm just not ready," she says, each word staccato as her sobs diminish into barely audible whimpers. Rufus stamps a kiss to the top crown of her head. She hates how fragile she has become. Every time she thinks she is ready to take the next step, something in her mind prevents her from doing so.

"Okay, thank you for telling me. Why don't you sleep on it and we can talk more tomorrow?" Rufus suggests, hoping that she will agree. Lily stiffly nods, she can do that much for Rufus who has been there for her so much for her in the past twenty four hours.

"Sure," she finally mutters. Rufus hopes that she will eventually see that letting Jack go free and burying the rape will not help her. As much as she wants to forget, it's a process. Plus, Rufus didn't want to mention this to her, but whether she gives her statement or not probably doesn't matter, there is going to be a trial regardless. If the police arrested him and took evidence from Lily, they will have enough to indict Jack. They might even decide to subpoena Lily to testify, but Rufus doesn't know the legal system enough to tell if that could happen.

"What do you want to do Lil? It's only about eight," Rufus thinks its best that they move on from their previous topic of conversation. Lily could use a break from thinking about Jack.

"I want to be clean," Lily says softly. He tilts his head in confusion and then it clicks with him, she still feels tainted by Jack.

"Okay, do you want to take your medication and maybe try a shower tonight?" Lily swallows, producing only the smallest of nods. Rufus swipes the orange bottle from the counter and a glass of water before returning to sit next to her on the couch. She mumbles a thank you and swallows the pill. He grabs her hand and they walk upstairs to her bathroom together.

They see the glass shards from the bottle sprinkled on the floor from when Lily threw the bottle earlier. Lily bites her lip and sucks in a breath, squeezing Rufus' hand.

"I…should clean that up," Lily says guiltily.

"I'll help, where's your broom?" She shrugs, causing Rufus to laugh. He forgets that Lily never cleans and probably wouldn't know where the supplies are. He leaves the bathroom with Lily's permission, returning with a makeshift broom and duster he found in a linen closet. Lily reaches for the items, wanting to do it herself because she feels ashamed by her previous outburst. Rufus lets her clean up, knowing that an argument from her would just be unnecessary.

"You got mad Lil, its okay to throw things every once in a while," He assures her with a boyish grin. Lily empties the debris in the garbage, turning away from him so he doesn't see her smile.

Rufus offers to help her get undressed, but she wants to try doing it herself. She is able to get her pants and underwear off without any assistance, but her shirt and bra are proving to be difficult.

"Ouch…" Lily murmurs, wincing when she attempts to lift her arms above her head. Rufus grabs onto the hem of her shirt and carefully pulls it off of her, the bra to follow. He reaches around Lily to start the water, unsure if she wants him to step in with her or if he can wait downstairs. Rufus hears nothing from her so he turns to leave, but her hand on his arm stops him. "Can you…?" Her head gestures towards the shower.

Honestly, Rufus is hesitant; he hopes that she isn't asking him because she wants to have sex in the shower. She isn't there yet, especially given the difficult events they have had to work through today. When he feels like that Jack isn't an unwelcome third party in their relationship, then he will ask if she is ready. Lily is still battling with herself to fight Jack's influence over her.

"Of course," Rufus says after a few seconds of silence. He strips while Lily steps in, letting the hot droplets hit her back, loosening some of the tension. Rufus joins her, watching her grab the washcloth she used yesterday. She squeezes a dollop of body wash onto the rag and hands it to him. Rufus furrows his eyebrows, "Lil?"

"I want you to," She needs to be comfortable with Rufus touching her bare flesh. Rufus accepts the washcloth, starting with her shoulders and working his way down. Lily shudders, blocking the memories of Jack's hands all over her which were rough, cold. Rufus' feel quite the opposite; warm and delicate.

He finishes washing her and hands the lilac rag back to her, waiting to see what she is going to do with it. Surprisingly, she reverts back to the wash, squirting more onto the washcloth.

"Can I?" She asks.

"Lil, you don't have to." She nods, brushing a few matted tendrils away from her face.

"I…I feel like I want to." Rufus nods, letting her start to clean him. She can only go as far as his thighs, the bruising still preventing her from bending over. Lily returns the washcloth and faces him. He cups her cheek, leaning in to dust a quick kiss to her lips. Lily accepts his kiss and then quickly backs away. He bites his lip, realizing that he went too fast.

"Lil, I'm sorry, I didn't mean…" She shakes her head, turning the shower off.

"It's not you, it's me. I'm not there yet." They step out of the shower, grabbing their respective towels.

"It's perfectly fine, we will get there soon."

"Okay," Lily mutters, not sure if she believes him. Rufus grabs her hand, not letting her question whether she made the right choice. If she isn't ready, he would rather be aware so they can make the appropriate step at the appropriate time. They get dressed in their pajamas and are left with a choice of whether to go to sleep or prolong it some more. "How about a movie?"

Rufus lets out a deep chuckle at her suggestion. It seems so pedestrian compared to the heavy topics and situations they have been forced into for the past day.

"Sure sweetheart, we can do that." He understands that she just wants to escape into somebody else's life for a couple hours and he is completely okay with it. She is doing remarkably well considering how disastrous this morning was. Hopefully, the combination of the pain medication and the movie will lull her to sleep, the nightmares kept at bay for the night.

The kids end up coming back in the middle of a Harry Dean Stanton movie that Lily chose. Serena and Eric head upstairs, not seeing Rufus or Lily anywhere. Rufus hears the kids and looks down at Lily, seeing her slipping under the surface of sleep. He gets to his feet and cracks open the door, spotting the kids standing outside with heightened worry lines.

"Is she okay?" Serena asks softly.

"Yes, she is sleeping now," Rufus whispers back.

"Okay, we will see you in the morning," Eric says, not wanting to wake up his mother. Rufus says goodnight to the kids and closes the door behind him, climbing back into bed with Lily.

Lily was doing well until about two in the morning, when another nightmare crashed into her. Rufus knows what to do by now; wake her up, see if she is willing to talk about it and then comfort her until she falls back to sleep. Tonight is no exception, except this nightmare seems more of a grip on her than previous ones.

He eases her awake, hating the terror locked in the fissures of her face. She is trembling and crying, clinging to him desperately. Lily reveals to him that her latest nightmare involved Jack threatening Rufus if she wouldn't surrender herself to him. Rufus does his best to calm her fears, but he knows that these nightmares will fade away with time. The best thing to do is battle them as they come.

Rufus and Lily finally rise out of bed at about nine, not being able to fall back asleep until almost four. They go through the same process as yesterday morning; Rufus cooks her and the kids' breakfast while they chat amongst themselves. Lily makes more of an effort to eat the eggs Rufus cooked for her. She is trying to convince herself that she is ready to leave the penthouse. Staying cooped up might not be the best answer either.

"So, mom, what are you going to do today?" Eric asks, trying to start conversation. Lily sets her orange juice down and glances over at Rufus.

"Well…I think I want to go somewhere…" Lily says with a shrug. Rufus is guessing that Lily isn't going to tell her kids the intended destination; knowing that they would try to convince her otherwise.

"That's great mom! You and Rufus could go to the park, or to the loft, or whatever…" Serena trails off, not wanting to overwhelm her mother with suggestions. Eric nods in agreement, glad that Lily is trying to move on since Jack's attack, even if it is something as simple as leaving the safety of the penthouse.

"I am going to get dressed," Lily excuses herself, seeing if she can do this without Rufus help. If she can't, the very least she can do is choose an outfit. Lily puts her dish in the sink and goes upstairs to her bedroom, leaving Rufus, Serena and Eric in the kitchen.

"How is my mom doing, really?" Serena asks. Rufus sighs and swallows his bite of food.

"Yesterday was really hard on her, but your mother is getting better."

"Do you think mom will ever be able to get past this?" Eric wonders out loud. Rufus shrugs his shoulders,

"I don't really know, I think she will be able to move on, but she obviously won't ever be able to forgive what he did to her." Eric and Serena agree, realizing that their mother will be forever changed by Jack Bass.

"Rufus?" The three of them can hear Lily yell from her bedroom.

"That's my call I guess," Rufus says and leaves his dish on the counter. He ventures upstairs and finds Lily dressed in black dress pants, holding an espresso-colored turtleneck in her hands.

"I didn't know I owned more than one turtleneck." His lips split open, her small attempt at humor doesn't go unnoticed by him.

"With your turtlenecks and my flannel, we will be the most fashionable couple on the Upper East Side." His comment earns him one of Lily's famous eye-rolls. He is ecstatic that they are able to slip back into their usual banter for a brief second. After Lily is finished getting dressed, she goes into the bathroom to apply minimal makeup.

"You ready?" Rufus asks, seeing her emerge from the bathroom. Lily nods and their fingers lace together. They bid goodbye to the kids who are getting ready to leave with their own plans for the day.

Lily keeps a tight grip on Rufus as they breeze through the lobby of her apartment complex. Vanya greets them cheerfully and hails them a taxi.

"Okay Lil, are you sure you want to do this?" He ignores the impatient taxi driver waiting for a destination. Lily is unsure, but is willing to take a risk if Rufus is right there with her.

"I think so." Rufus squeezes her hand and leans forward, telling the taxi driver to take them to the opera. Lily is silent the whole way there, keeping her eyes transfixed on the fleeting scenery. Rufus keeps glancing at her, looking to her face for clues as to what she is feeling. She is expressionless as she stares out the window.

The taxi makes the short trip to the opera house, the driver already barking out the fare to the couple as soon as he pulls over. Rufus rolls his eyes and shoves a twenty into the driver's hand. Lily swallows and breaks her staring contest with the window.

"Lil, you can wait in the cab, I will only be a couple minutes." He will pay the driver whatever he wants to babysit Lily while he runs in and collects her phone. Lily opens the car door, too afraid to back out now. Rufus follows and joins her on the sidewalk, grumbling as the taxi peels away. She clasps his hand firmly and glances around just in the off chance she recognizes somebody on the sidewalk.

"Okay…" Lily mumbles to herself and slowly starts walking into the opera, surprised by the stark contrast from when she was here two nights ago. There isn't the constant hum of people eager to get themselves featured on Page Six. The only people that are there are perched behind the counter.

"You okay?" Rufus whispers to her, wondering how she is handling being here. Lily nods, she is curious as to why being at the opera doesn't bother her. They close the gap from the lobby doors to the counter.

"Can I help you?" An older man with salt and pepper hair asks Lily and Rufus. Lily turns her head, her breath catching in her throat when she sees the door to the powder room.

"Yeah, I am here to pick up a clutch that was left here two nights ago," Rufus says. She detaches from him, swiftly walking over to the wooden door. "Lily!" He yells after her, wanting to stop her before she opens the door.

It's too late; Lily swings the door open and steps in, all of the painful memories hitting her at once.

"Oh my god…" Lily chokes out and holds her hand over her mouth.

**A/N 2: I am cutting it there, I hope everyone liked it! What do you guys want to happen next? I WILL be updating **_**Flawed and Fragmented **_**first, but don't let that deter you from leaving a review (please). Thanks for reading and I promise that I will update as soon as possible.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you, thank you, and thank you for all the wonderful reviews that have been thrown my way for this story. I just love receiving them and appreciate everyone that reads my stories. Like I said before, I really don't know how long this is going to become, but I am guessing around 10 or 15 chapters. As usual, this is rated M and I hope this is what you all were looking for!**

**Chapter Four**

_"Yeah, I am here to pick up a clutch that was left here two nights ago," Rufus says. She detaches from him, swiftly walking over to the wooden door. "Lily!" He yells after her, wanting to stop her before she opens the door. _

_ It's too late; Lily swings the door open and steps in, all of the painful memories hitting her at once._

_ "Oh my god…" Lily chokes out and holds her hand over her mouth._

He never understood the phrase, "one steps forward, two steps back," so deeply until now. Yes, it's a cliché, but that doesn't mean that those words don't hold some truth to them. Rufus is stuck between two sure-to-be wrong choices. He could either rush her out of the bathroom, therefore protecting her from the onslaught of hellish memories that are secured here or let her desensitize herself by staying. His eyes slide over to Lily in attempt to gauge her reaction to being here. If she even gives him the slightest hint that she doesn't want to remain in this bathroom, he will whisk her away to a destination of her choosing.

Her tears are teasing her, threatening to break the barrier of her eyelid and spill onto her cheek. A bitter catch-twenty-two is splaying out before her and praying on her emotions. In order for her to get better, she has to confront the painful recollections of her attack, but facing those memories will only drive her further towards another breakdown.

Lily forces herself to tilt her head up, engrossing every detail of the powder room. Her lipstick and panties that Jack threw have vanished, no longer residing in the corner. She chews on her lower lip as her feet shuffle forward, carrying her towards the shattered mirror that has yet to be replaced.

"Sir," The same man that assisted Rufus at the counter, prior to Lily fleeing appears holding her clutch. Lily jumps at the booming voice flowing into the powder room, moving behind Rufus.

"Oh…right…thanks." With Lily suddenly bolting towards the powder room door, Rufus forgot all about her clutch that they came here to pick up. He swipes it from the older gentleman's hands, opening it up to see her cell phone still inside.

"You aren't supposed to be in here," He insists, glowering at Lily and Rufus.

"We need a moment, thank you," Rufus closes and locks the door to the powder room, not offering any other explanation to the man. He doesn't give a damn about where he and Lily aren't allowed to be. Unless she declares that she would like to leave, they are going to stay there for as long as she wants to. "Lil?"

She hears his voice and recognizes the connotation behind it. He is detecting her emotional stability simply by saying her name. If she shows even a hint of distress, he will suggest that it isn't in her best interest to remain at the scene of the crime.

"Yeah?" Damn, her voice sounds gravely, tears aren't far behind. He comes up behind her, a calloused hand resting on her scapula, his green eyes tainted with affection and apprehension.

"Do you want to leave? How do you feel?"

Lily's mouth opens, but no syllable is uttered. She is feeling a myriad of different emotions; scared, angry, sad; opposites are colliding with each other. Lily is attempting to reach for the most dominant feeling, but she isn't sure which one that is.

"I…want to stay…" She says to her own surprise. Rufus quirks an eyebrow, doubt written on his face. He promised himself that he wouldn't interfere and let her make all the decisions, but this might be too much too soon.

"Lil, we don't…" Rufus trails off when he realizes that Lily isn't listening. Instead, she is carefully inching towards the mirror, running her fingers over the spider web contusions in the glass.

He steps closer, wanting to be within arms' reach of her, just in case she needs to use him as a security blanket. Rufus breathes a silent sigh of relief when he sees her blood has been wiped off of the glass. Although, it wouldn't lessen the effect this place now has on her.

Lily traces her fingers over the fragmented glass, the cool metal of the faucet, landing on the edge of the marble counter top where Jack had her pressed up against. Her eyes flutter closed, the action of her blinking sends a tear plummeting down the curve of her cheek. She senses Rufus put a supportive hand on her bicep, squeezing it affectionately.

Rufus is struggling as to how to proceed. He finds it better not to ask Lily any questions; she usually starts offering details on her own. She sniffs and scurries away from the counter, finding it too painful to stand where she was two nights ago.

"I…didn't realize how strong he was until…he had me pinned against the counter…" She whispers, glancing up at him with that all-too-familiar pained expression she has been wearing the past few days. Rufus presses his lips together, knowing from experience that if he interrupts her, she will shut down.

Lily launches into another recollection of the excruciating encounter with Jack as she reaches for Rufus' hand, gliding her thumb over his knuckles as a distraction. She backtracks a bit, filling in the little details she left out when she was telling Rufus in her bedroom yesterday.

_"Noooo!" Lily screams when she realizes that he has her trapped, cornered like an animal. A shit-eating grin slithers onto Jack's lips as he wraps his hand around the back of her head, forcing her to kiss him. She struggles against him, causing him to grip her hips and slam into her harder. Lily whimpers, feeling his ragged breath hot against her ear. _

_ "Do you like that Lily?" He whispers. When Lily doesn't respond, he inches toward her, forcing her bend her back to lessen the tension rising there. He releases one of her wrists from the death grip his fingers have on it to slap her across the face. "Don't make me repeat myself. I will have you moaning my name by the time we are finished."_

_ "Get away from me," Lily whispers, her voice strained from the constant choke-and-release Jack has been doing to her. Jack pumps harder inside of her and pushes her shoulder back, digging it further into the broken glass. A hiss of pain escapes Lily's lips as she desperately tries to rack her brain, thinking of anything to get him off of her. She realizes that her only hope is that Rufus or one of the children has noticed her absence by now and are frantically trying to locate her. _

_ Jack tries once again to kiss her, shoving his tongue deep into her mouth until she gags. Lily whips her head away and uses her free hand to shove his face away from hers. _

_ "Stop fighting, you little bitch and take it!" He locks her wrist over her head, pressing onto it hard, creating deep bruises. Jack squeezes the soft tissue of her right breast as he thrusts into her. Lily cries out in pain just as the door swings open. Jack steps away from her and pulls his pants up, anticipating his nephew coming from behind._

"And…then…Chuck…came and…it was over…" Lily whispers and shakes her head, signaling to him that this is all she can say for the time being. Rufus gathers her in his arms, hearing her weep into his chest.

"You don't need to say anymore honey, you did great." Rufus cards his hands through her hair in attempt to calm her down.

"Can we go? I don't…I can't…" Lily's sobs swallow up the rest of her sentence.

"Of course," Rufus didn't expect her to give that much away about her attack, but he is glad that she did. He just wishes that it wouldn't have such a profound effect on her, leaving her in shambles every time she talks about it. Lily pulls away from him, wiping the black marks off of her cheeks left there from her mascara mixing with her tears.

"Okay…" Lily whispers, signaling to him that she is ready to leave the powder room. Rufus hands her the clutch and snags her hand, reaching forward to open the door. Lily slinks behind him just in case the man that told them that they weren't allowed in the bathroom is outside waiting. She is very wary of strangers at the moment, especially men.

Rufus steps out first, keeping a firm grip on Lily's hand. She ducks behind him, letting him lead her out of the opera. Lily has no desire to return here anytime soon and hopefully she won't have to.

They call a car, Rufus biting his lip when he remembers that he wanted to stop at the loft. He forgot to grab more clothes when he was there, mostly due to a phone call from Eric asking him to return to the penthouse as soon as possible. Rufus wraps an arm around Lily's trembling frame; she hasn't stopped shaking since she first stepped into that bathroom.

"Lil, do you mind if we stop at the loft before we go back to the penthouse? I want to grab some clothes." Lily runs her hand along her cheek, collecting some tears that have fallen.

"I-I…guess…" Lily doesn't want to tell him that she doesn't want to go anywhere back to the penthouse. She wants to hide under her comforter and cry for forcing herself into going back to the opera before she was ready. Lily knows that Rufus has to get some new clothes and she isn't comfortable leaving his side yet.

"I promise it will be quick and then we can get you home, okay?" Lily gives him a half-nod just as the car is pulling up to the curb. They climb in and she presses up against his side, burying her head in his flannel.

"I hate being like this," Lily admits softly. Rufus bends his head, his chin colliding with the top of her head.

"Lil, you have the right to feel however you want to feel." He is utterly amazed that she is revealing this to him. Rufus wants to bring up the fact that she should give the police her statement, but this might not be the right time. She is already overwhelmed by the vivid flashbacks she had at the opera, it's not the appropriate time to be aggravating her with the mention of calling the police station.

Lily doesn't say anything else back because the truth is, she has so many feelings about her rape; she isn't sure which is the right one to express. As much as Rufus has been there for her, she can't explain how she actually feels to him because he wouldn't understand it. It's not his fault of course, but he isn't in her position. He couldn't comprehend what it's like to have the sensation that you are drowning and the only person that can save you is yourself, only you can't figure out how.

Regardless of what Rufus or anyone else says or does, she is still going to have nightmares, she is still going to be afraid to be intimate with Rufus until one day; she isn't. The only person standing in her way is herself and that is what the most frustrating thing to her is.

"Lil…we are here. You don't have to come in you know, I am sure the kids will understand if you stay in the car." _Oh, right, Serena and Eric are with Dan and Jenny at the loft. _Lily forgot that Serena told them this morning that she was going over to Rufus' loft to see Dan and Eric presumably came with her to spend some time with Jenny.

"No…I'll come in…can we only stay for a little bit, though?"

"I will just fill a bag with some clothes; I promise it will take less than ten minutes." Lily nods slowly and sits back while Rufus slides out of the town car. He holds his hand out to her, grinning slightly when she reaches for it with confidence. She eases her feet onto the pavement below, swallowing a wince from a spasm radiating up her back. Lily wishes that she could wait in the car, but she is trying to prevent herself from being alone, knowing that the flashbacks she just experienced will swallow her whole.

Rufus swings open the door to the loft, seeing Dan sitting on the couch, Serena sitting in his lap. Eric and Jenny are on the bar stools eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The kids stop what they are doing and look at the couple, wondering why they are here. Lily shrinks back, not wanting the children to see the remnants of her latest breakdown written on her face.

"Hey, what are you guys doing here?" Serena asks, being the first to break the awkward silence. She can see her mom hiding behind Rufus and is confused as to why she looks so rattled. _Where could they have gone before this that would produce that terrified look on her face? _Serena asks herself.

"I forgot to pick up some clothes the last time I was here," Rufus tells Serena and doesn't allow them to ask him or Lily any more questions. He brings Lily into his room, shutting the door behind them.

Lily sits on the bed while Rufus rummages through his closet, throwing random things into a bag. He turns, seeing her sitting on his bed, still quivering. Rufus chucks another flannel shirt into the duffel and zips it up. He has enough to last him a couple of days and he can tell Lily really doesn't want to be here, although she is attempting to conceal it.

"Are…you ready?" She asks softly. He swings the bag onto his shoulder and gives her a clipped nod. They lace their fingers together and open the door, seeing the children tracking them with their eyes. Rufus turns his head to look at Lily, seeing her bury into herself. He can tell that she feels scrutinized by the children, knowing that they want to ask her how she is doing. Rufus feels like he should be the one to say something because he realizes that she won't. He lets go of her head, brushes a kiss to her hair and pushes her towards the door. Lily throws him a confusing glance over her shoulder while she hugs Serena and Eric goodbye. She doesn't approach Dan or Jenny, merely giving them a wave. They haven't reached that level of closeness for Lily, Dan and Jenny to be exchanging hugs.

"I'll be just a second," Rufus promises her. Lily narrows her eyes at him, but closes the door to the loft anyway. Rufus faces the four kids, letting out a frustrated breath. "Guys, I think it would be best if you didn't come back to the penthouse until dinnertime. Lil needs some space right now." Serena and Eric's eyes pool with concern for their mother, but Rufus is right.

"So I am guessing my mom's attempt at leaving the penthouse backfired, huh?" Serena quips.

"Yeah…I should go, she's out there waiting." Rufus says goodbye to his and Lily's kids. Lily immediately reattaches herself to him as they walk outside and into the car.

About halfway home, Lily finally finds her voice again and pulls her head away from Rufus' shoulder.

"What did you tell the children?" Rufus swallows, he isn't sure if his answer will offend her or not, but he isn't going to lie. He is the only person that Lily trusts right now and he doesn't wish to give her any reason to doubt that.

"I told them that you need some space and they should stay at the loft for a while."

"Oh…" Lily is oddly annoyed and appreciative of what he did for her. She is glad that he is able to read her well enough to make decisions on her behalf, but he of all people should be aware of her need to be in control. By asking the kids to stay away for the time being, he took some of that away from her.

"I'm sorry Lil; I just thought you should have some time to yourself." He discovers that maybe he overstepped when it came to her kids, but he was only doing it in her best interest.

"It's okay…I just want to be home." Lily doesn't have any plans to leave the confines of the penthouse any time soon. She fiddles with her phone, seeing many missed calls, voicemails and text messages from the past few days. Lily has no desire to check those either.

Rufus watches her manipulate her cell phone, scrolling through her text messages and then putting the device back in the clutch. His eyebrows furrow, curious as to why she isn't checking her voice mails as well, maybe it's because she is afraid the police are contacting her for a statement.

He shelves that conversation when they are back in the safety of her home. She needs some time to decompress from the opera and seeing the kids at the loft.

Rufus and Lily breeze past Vanya in the lobby of the apartment building, heading straight towards the elevator. Lily steps off the elevator and walks over to her kitchen cabinets. He follows behind her, wanting to see what she intends on doing. She stands on her tip-toes to grab a bottle of Jack Daniels, swirling the cap off and taking a long swig of the beverage.

He stands back, letting her take a few sips of alcohol. Rufus doesn't want her to drown in the bottle, but a little liquid therapy isn't going to kill her. The popping sound of the bottle detaching from her lips is the only sound heard in the penthouse. She puts the cap back on, but doesn't return it to the cabinet. Instead, she hands it to him, which he graciously accepts.

"I'm going to…change, I'll be upstairs…" Lily mutters while he helps himself to the alcohol she gave him.

"Okay," Rufus says and almost leans over to kiss her as she brushes past him. It seems weird to him not to be exchanging kisses with her when they separate, so much so that he almost did it without a thought. It's like muscle memory to him because of how much they would swap kisses before her attack. Just two mornings ago they were making out in the kitchen before and after the kids interrupted them. Their relationship has regressed into a series of firsts again. He heavily sighs, takes one last sip and puts the bottle back where Lily found it, heading up to the bedroom to check on her.

Rufus opens the door to her bedroom, not finding any wrinkles made in her bed. He walks deeper into the room, hovering at the entrance of her massive walk-in closet. Lily has stripped down to only her jet black bra with matching underwear and is dissecting herself in the mirror.

Her hand skims over the curve of her neck, over the angry bite marks and bruises residing there. She turns slightly to the side, exposing herself to the dark abrasions on her back. Lily faces the mirror again and glides her hand down to inner thigh on the left side, repelling the limb when it hits a particular tender spot. Tears well up in her eyes, spilling down her cheeks at an alarming rate as Rufus closes the gap between them.

"Why…did he do this to me?" Lily whispers, looking to him for answers that he cannot give to her. He wishes that he could offer her a perfectly logical explanation as to why Jack Bass decided to rape her, but he can't because there isn't one.

"I don't know Lil…he is a miserable son of a bitch." Rufus shrugs, knowing that his words aren't exactly providing any comfort to her. She uses her finger to flick away a tear, spinning to face him, not wanting to look at herself any longer.

"You asked me how I feel…I feel…ugly," Lily fumbles with her sentence, leaning her head into his chest as she cries. Rufus wraps his arms around her, looking up to hide tears of his own threatening to fall. Lily has never been this vulnerable to him prior to her attack.

"No Lil, you only see the bruises, but you are still just as beautiful now as you were two days ago." Lily furrows her eyebrows at him, doubt seeping into the wrinkles on her face. She can't see how Rufus still finds her desirable to him when she looks like this.

"Can I…kiss you?" Lily doesn't know why, but she wants to express her gratitude in another way besides just simply saying thank you.

"Sure, of course," Rufus is caught off guard by her asking, usually she just does it; whether it is a good morning kiss shared over coffee, a see-you-later kiss as she scrambles out the door or a good night kiss that eventually escalates.

Lily leans forward, pressing her lips to his, her first initiation of intimacy between the two of them since before her rape. Her kiss is very timid, quick and awkward.

Rufus resists the urge to wrap his arms around her or to part their lips to kiss her deeper. This kiss needs to be on her terms, he doesn't want to scare her like he did when he kissed her earlier in the shower.

Their lips come apart with a smack, Lily stands back from him, touching her lips, sensing the spark ebbing off of them. She wants to push herself to give him more, but she isn't ready.

"I'm sorry…I can't…" She finds it hard to articulate herself to him, too afraid that if she says the wrong thing he will become upset with her. In the back of her mind, she knows that Rufus is patient and loyal to a fault, he is going to stay even if it's out of obligation.

"Sweetheart it is fine, why don't you get dressed? I want to talk to you about something." Lily chews on her lower lip as she nods, she can venture a guess as to what Rufus wishes to discuss with her.

"Okay…" Lily searches through her drawers, looking for comfortable clothing that will still conceal all of her bruising. Regardless of the fact that it's only mid afternoon, Lily is perfectly content with wearing her pajamas.

Rufus assists her into getting dressed and convinces her to sit on her bed with him. He hands her the clutch they went to pick up. Lily's eyebrows shoot together, wondering what he is trying to accomplish. He is taking a big risk, realizing that what he is about to do will probably end up upsetting her, but it will undoubtedly get his point across.

"Why are you giving me this?" Lily asks, opening up the clutch and taking her phone out.

"Did the police call you?"

"Rufus…" She protests, having figured out what their conversation is going to be about. He holds up his hand, already having a counter-argument thought out.

"Honey, I know you don't want to do this, but trust me, you will feel better." Lily is well aware of how stubborn Rufus can be about certain things, but this isn't his decision, it's hers. If she doesn't want to give her statement about the rape, he shouldn't make her.

"I can't even talk about it with you, how am I supposed to tell strangers? What if they don't believe me? Or, what if, God forbid, I have to see him again? Did you even think about that Rufus?" Lily is throwing all sorts of questions at him, working herself up. He can tell she is really angry, not at the situation, but at _him. _

Rufus opens his mouth to defend himself and explain to her that he will be there every step of the way for her, but she doesn't give him the chance.

"You didn't, did you? This isn't about you Rufus, this is my choice and _I don't want to do it._" Lily heaves herself off of the bed and walks into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind her. Rufus heavily sighs and rubs his face in his hands. He pushed her too far and now her walls are up in full force.

Rufus approaches the bathroom door, knocking on it lightly. He can hear her crying on the other side and hates himself for doing this to her.

"Leave me alone," Lily cries, curling up into a ball on the tile floor. Rufus isn't giving up that easily, he sits on the floor outside of the bathroom, waiting for her to ask him in.

From inside, Lily rests her hand on the floor, pushing herself up so her back isn't pressed up against the bathtub. The glass shards left behind from when she swept up earlier dig into her hand, causing blood to emerge from her hand. She hisses, drawing her hand away from the cool tile, watching blood trickle down to the bend of her wrist.

"Damn it," Lily whispers and staggers to her feet, swinging open the door to see Rufus plopped on the carpeting right outside of the door. She holds up her injured hand, which is now trembling again.

"We should get that cleaned up," Rufus says, hoping that she didn't draw blood on purpose. Lily nods and uses her unaffected hand to clasp his as they walk downstairs.

Rufus washes her hand, not mentioning anything about their previous conversation that ended so disastrously. Lily rolls her lips together to prevent from screaming from the intense stinging of the hot water pouring into her wound.

"Do you have anything that I can wrap this with?" Rufus asks, garnering her attention. Lily points to the same linen closet he found the broom in earlier, sending him off in that direction. He returns with some gauze and scissors, carefully bandaging up her hand in silence.

"I'm sorry…Rufus, I know you are just trying to help." Lily mumbles, looking up at him while he is concentrating on her cut. He finishes wrapping up her hand and presses a hand to her cheek, caressing it with his thumb.

"I'm sorry too; I didn't mean to upset you. We can wait to call them. Lil?" She breaks her staring contest with her wrapped up hand to lock eyes with him.

"What?"

"I'm not leaving, okay? I'll go to the police station and sit there with you if you want." Lily gives him a closed lipped smile; she thought that her little outburst a few minutes ago would drive him away for good. She had no right to blow up at him like that, but she felt that he was unfairly pressuring her.

"Okay…I'll call them…then can we just not think about this for awhile?" Rufus reaches on the bed to grab up her cell phone, depositing it in her hands.

"You are doing the right thing Lil," Rufus assures her as she is dialing the number the cop left for her. Lily sits down next to him, but doesn't respond. She doesn't understand where this sudden need for justice came from inside of Rufus, but she doesn't feel as strongly about this as he does. If it meant that Jack would disappear from her life forever without going through a trial than Lily would be okay with that. However, Jack got arrested for his crime so that no longer seems like a plausible option. And since Rufus is obviously not going to drop this subject until she does something about it, so she is.

She dials the number that Chuck gave them during his visit, nervously playing with the fabric of her cardigan. Rufus notices her fidgeting and twines their fingers together. Lily converses with someone on the other end for a while, her tone getting more agitated as the conversation goes on.

"Does it have to be that soon...? Well he isn't going anywhere is he? Fine…yes…I understand…okay…thank you…bye." Lily hangs up the phone in a huff, ducking her head away from Rufus'.

"What did they say?" Rufus asks instantly, barely giving her the chance to get a word out. Lily frustratingly groans and leans her head on his shoulder.

"They want me to come in as soon as possible….apparently his lawyer is pushing for his immediate release." Rufus unconsciously clenches his fist, just the thought of Jack being out of jail and able to come after Lily leaves him on edge.

"When do you want to go?" He is smart enough to leave the option up to her, something he didn't do before. Rufus knows that Lily doesn't want anyone to be aware of her attack, but unfortunately that choice has been taken out of their hands. At least they will be able to punish Jack for what he did to her.

"Uh…I don't know…I need to…lie down for a bit…" Lily has been thrown into one stressful situation to the next ever since her attack. Even though there is a high probability that her nightmares will return, she wants to at least try to get some sleep as a reprieve from all the anxiety she is feeling.

"Sure, can I join you or do you want to be alone?" Rufus watches Lily contemplate his question. She has been needing to be within reaching distance of him since he found her in that bathroom, but now she is starting to become less clingy which may or may not be showing progress in her.

"Can you lay with me?" She pulls back the covers, inviting him in. Rufus kicks off his shoes and slides in, resuming their normal sleeping position. Lily turns to face him, running her finger over the rough stubble forming over the past few days.

"You're going to be okay Lil." He promises her, a smile forming parenthesis around his lips. Lily gives him a watery grin, tears building up in her eyes. She closes her eyes, moving closer to him. Rufus wraps his arm around her, letting himself drift off to sleep. Lily hears his breathing even out before she tilts her head up, hoping that she is going to be able to say it.

"I…love you," her voice is soft and thick with tears. She has wanted to say that to him for the past couple of days. He has more than proved his love for her and she has been unable to reciprocate. Lily hopes that their relationship is going to one day return to how it was before the attack. She misses their constant bantering and displays of affection towards each other.

After Rufus and Lily wake up, he asks if she wants something to eat before they head to the police station. Lily automatically declines; her stomach is a conglomeration of nervous butterflies that erupted ever since she dialed the precinct two hours ago.

Serena and Eric haven't returned from the loft yet, which is good for Lily since she doesn't want to talk about giving her statement with her children. She knows that her kids will support her in whatever she does, but she is afraid that her kids will either convince her she isn't ready or they will push her like Rufus did.

The taxi ride to the police station seems unbelievably short to Lily. Rufus hands the driver the fare and nudges her, wondering if she is actually going to step out of the car. Lily swallows, fear heightening her worry lines. Rufus snatches her hand, giving it a gentle and reassuring squeeze. He can sense how scared she is and doesn't blame her. Rufus hopes that the New York Police Department will make this painless as possible for her. He also hopes that the cops have the common sense to keep Jack far away from Lily. She doesn't need to see him, especially not after the day she has had today.

"You okay Lil? We don't have to do this today," Rufus reminds her. Lily bites her lip; she may not come back if they leave now. She doesn't want this looming over her head forever; it wouldn't aid her recovery in any way.

"No, let's go," Lily opens the car door and steps onto the sidewalk. Rufus follows and senses her grip his hand tightly. They walk into the seventeenth precinct together, speaking to an officer at the reception desk.

"Hi, she needs to give her statement to a Detective…um…Nolan, I believe," Rufus says for Lily who is fighting with every in her not to run. The uninterested officer tells the couple to have a seat while she contacts Officer Nolan. Lily stares with disdain at the wooden bench they have been asked to sit in. Rufus conceals his laughter in his hand and wraps an arm around her waist. She shifts her some of her weight onto him, choosing to stand rather than sit on the disease-infested bench.

Detective Nolan, a mid-thirties, African American man comes out to greet them, weaving Rufus and Lily through the precinct to an empty interrogation room.

"Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water?" The cop asks the couple, trying to maintain a friendly demeanor. Lily and Rufus both request coffee, sending Detective Nolan outside to the espresso machine. He comes back in holding two steaming cups of coffee for Lily and Rufus who are already sitting at the metallic table.

"So…Mrs. Bass…" Lily shudders at the use of her last name, not wanting to be associated to anything or anyone besides Chuck using that moniker.

"Please, call me Lily," She feels Rufus put a supportive hand on her uninjured shoulder. The detective notices that and pauses in his interview.

"Are you going to be present for this, sir?" Detective Nolan asks Rufus. Rufus looks to Lily who is going to be the deciding factor on whether he stays or leaves.

"I want him here," Lily speaks up; she doesn't think she can do this without him. The detective softens, having done many interviews with women just like Lily who have the same distressed expression that she is displayed on her face right now.

"Sure Lily, he can be in here, but you are going to have to tell me what happened." Detective Nolan directs his attention to Lily. She is trying not to wither under his penetrating gaze.

"Okay…Rufus and I went to the opera two nights ago; we recently became a couple after my husband Bart died…" Lily is giving him unnecessary details, but she has to ease herself into talking about her rape. The only person that has heard her talk about it is Rufus. Lily doesn't know this detective and is pretty sure their conversation is being recorded right now.

"Anyway…um…we went there with my daughter and his son and it was during intermission. I went to the powder room to freshen up and told Rufus to wait for me in the lobby…." Lily lets out a shuddering breath, knowing what comes next.

"Lily, are you okay? We can take a break if you want," Detective Nolan assures her. She is really getting tired of people asking her if she is okay. She won't be okay for a long time and to be honest, that question irritates her more than helps her.

"I'm fine…I was putting my lipstick on when he came in…"

"Who's he? I need you to say his name for the record." A tear slips down the arc of Lily's cheek. She hasn't said Jack since she was screaming at him to stop hurting her.

Rufus wants to step in and make this easier on her, but he has to be a silent observer during the interview. He doesn't want to get kicked out by Detective Nolan and force Lily to have to give her statement by herself. She is already falling apart and they have barely begun.

"J….Jack….Jack Bass, he was the one who…raped me." Detective Nolan scribbles down a note on his pad and glances up Lily, gesturing for her to continue. "So um…I tried to move around him, but he grabbed me and shoved me against the wall."

While Lily is recounting most of what she already told Rufus earlier, he can see tears flowing down her face. This has to be impossible for her to do, as it would be for anyone, but she is doing remarkable. Lily needs gaps in her story to take a breath and convince herself to keep going.

"I have to ask Lily, did Jack use a condom?" Lily blanches at Detective Nolan's question. The thought didn't even cross her mind until now. Her eyes dart over to Rufus who looks as queasy as she feels.

"No…he didn't…" Lily covers her mouth, hoping that the cop didn't see her lip quiver. Rufus rubs her upper back, steering clear of her bandaged shoulder.

"I'm sorry; please continue…you are doing great."

"Are we almost done?" Lily can't do this for much longer; the flashbacks are only getting stronger the more she talks about her attack.

"I...don't know, why don't you continue for as long as you can?" Detective Nolan can tell Lily is becoming agitated by the clipped tone laced into her question.

"Um…sure…where was I?" Lily asks the officer. She gives a cautionary rub of her eyes, feeling the wetness from her tears pool onto the pads of her fingertips. It's no use really, because as soon as she starts talking, the tears are going to start falling again.

"Jack just hiked up your skirt," Detective Nolan says in a nonchalant tone, as if they are simply talking about a scandalous rendezvous between two people and not a brutal attack. Lily massages her temples and sets her hands back on the table.

"Right…um…so he rips off my underwear and…" Lily describes to the officer how Jack forced himself inside of her, squeezing her breasts, pushing her shoulder further into the glass mirror or choking her if she would fight him.

Lily chokes on a sob and shakes her head, turning to Rufus after she is finished for comfort. He snakes his arms around her and lets her cry into his shoulder.

"She's done," Rufus mouths over to Detective Nolan, hoping that the officer won't ask Lily anymore questions. Lily has reached her mental capacity for the day from visiting the opera, to injuring her hand and having to relive that horrible night once again for the police.

"Okay…Lily you did fantastic, but I am going to have you to do one more thing before you leave." Lily sniffs and draws herself away from Rufus, wondering what else she could possibly have to deal with today.

"What?" The nervous expression on the detective's face is making Lily uneasy.

"I am going to have to ask you to do a line-up." Lily's stomach twists at the thought of having to see Jack again even if it's behind a glass wall.

"Why does she have to do that? You already arrested him," Rufus is annoyed that the police didn't mention anything about doing a line-up when Lily spoke to them on the phone.

"Well…it would help substantiate Lily's story that much more." Lily furrows her eyebrows, it sounds like the detective is hiding something from her.

"What is going on?" Lily asks Detective Nolan directly, not appreciating the cops approach to her.

"There is no easy way to tell you this, but Jack Bass claims that the two of you had consensual sex in that bathroom…." The detective doesn't get to finish his sentence because Lily and Rufus interrupt him.

"_What?" _They both say in the same exasperated voice. Rufus glances at Lily who is shaking. He can tell by the stiffening of her jaw and reddish hue of her face how furious she is.

Lily feels tricked by the NYPD. First, they arrest Jack for what he did to her, then they drag her down here for her statement only to be told by the detective handling her case that Jack has told them a completely different version of the events that transpired. A part of Lily thinks that the reason the police were so insistent on her giving her statement in person is so they could see her personally deteriorate over the details of her rape. They don't know who to believe, her or Jack.

"Do you need to see my fucking bruises Detective Nolan?" Lily spits out. Rufus' eyes widen as he suddenly gets the urge to high five Lily. He is astounded by her out-of-character question and he couldn't be more proud.

The detective is unfazed by Lily's question, he understands her aggravation.

"No, I can assure you that based on your exam done at the hospital along with the pictures taken, nobody will believe Jack Bass' story. I can absolutely guarantee you that." Lily relaxes and blushes, the realization of what she just said is washing over her.

"I'm sorry detective; I know you are just trying to do your job. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that." She shouldn't be getting mad at Detective Nolan is who trying his best to help her. "I can do the line-up, but I really would like to leave right after that."

Detective Nolan gives her a reassuring smile and his promise that she is free to leave after she does what is asked of her.

"If you would excuse me, I have to get the line-up prepared for you." Detective Nolan gives the couple a few minutes to unwind. Rufus leans forward and presses a kiss to Lily's forehead.

"I love you, you know that?" Rufus is still baffled by what Lily said to the officer. It was just so unlike her, but perfectly tailored to this situation. He is relieved that she was able to release some of her pent up frustration about this whole ordeal even if it was at somebody else's expense.

Lily cracks a grin, but doesn't say it back. She is a bundle of nerves; her attention is solely focused on seeing Jack in the line-up. When Lily says those three words back to Rufus when he isn't fast asleep, she would rather put some meaning behind it.

Detective Nolan comes back in, gesturing for Lily and Rufus to follow him. The cop leads them into another interrogation room, but puts them on the other side of the glass.

"Okay…Lily, I am not going to pretend I can understand how hard this is going to be for you. All we need is either verbal or written confirmation from you that Jack Bass is the one that raped you." Lily appreciates the detective's candor towards her. She is glad she didn't get stuck with an officer who hasn't coddled her but still comprehends the seriousness of her case.

"Sure…okay…" Lily snags Rufus' hand, needing his support to do the line-up.

"So, another officer is going to call a number, the person is going to step forward, turn to the side and then step back. That will continue until you identify him. Remember, you can see them, but they aren't able to see you." Lily gives a nod and Detective Nolan signals to another officer to start the line-up.

One by one, men fitting Jack's description step forward, turn and then return to their spot. The spotlight shines on number six and Lily reflexively steps away from the mirrored glass. Jack is staring blankly ahead with a smug grin adorning his lips and then he twists to the side. Lily's hand is shaking so fiercely that she drops the pen and paper Detective Nolan gave to her. Rufus nibbles on the inside of his cheek and digs his nails into the palm of his hand, creating deep half-moons.

Based on the couple's reaction, they have spotted Jack Bass in the line-up. However, the detective needs for Lily to confirm this by either saying it or writing the number down.

"Lily, I need some kind of sign from you that you have seen your attacker." Lily can barely see through the blur her tears have created. She glances out the glass sheath to see the prisoners being shuffled out of the interrogation room. Rufus glides his thumb over her knuckles in a soothing gesture.

"N…number six, that was him…that was J-J-Jack Bass…excuse me." She bolts from the comfort of Rufus to find a bathroom. Rufus races after her, knowing exactly where she is headed. His heart rips apart when the sounds of her heaving reverberate through the walls of the bathroom. He comes up behind her and tucks her hair behind her, running his hand up and down her spine until she is done. Rufus grabs a disposable cup and fills it with water, handing it to her.

"It's okay baby, we can go home…come here," Rufus brings her trembling frame up against him. Lily collapses against him, her sobs muffled by his jacket, her arms band around his waist, pressing him as close as she can to her while she cries.

Rufus regrets pushing her to give her statement today; he didn't think it would be this drastic. He hates the NYPD for making her go through this process. She wasn't ready to talk about her attack with somebody else besides him and she certainly wasn't up to seeing Jack. This didn't do anything to assist in her recovery, if anything; it pushed it back by several weeks. He hates to admit that he is in over his head and he really doesn't know how to help her.

Lily whimpers quietly and steps away from him, not even bothering to look in the mirror. She wants to do something before she walks out of the precinct, but Rufus will fight her every step of the way on this.

"Rufus, I want to see him…I need to talk to Jack."

**A/N 2: TAH DAH! I am leaving you lovely people here to ponder what I am going to do next. I realize that I may have written Lily a little out of character, but please allow me some wiggle room here. Your input is at the upmost importance to me and I will continue updating this for a while, just as long as there is a steady flow of reviews. Thanks so much for reading; you will hear from me soon!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I think I have run out of adjectives to use for how grateful I am for every single review I have received. I am so happy that you guys are encouraging me to keep going with this; I honestly didn't think I was up to the task. All I have is the usual reminder of the mature content of this story and the hope that I haven't offended anyone. Enjoy chapter five!**

**Chapter Five**

_Lily whimpers quietly and steps away from him, not even bothering to look in the mirror. She wants to do something before she walks out of the precinct, but Rufus will fight her every step of the way on this._

_ "Rufus, I want to see him…I need to talk to Jack."_

As soon as she says it, he is automatically shaking his head. There are a million and one reasons as to why Lily seeing Jack is a terrible idea. She has been through enough today. Her request is hasty and bordering on self-destructive. He needs to find a way to sway her in his direction and still give her the right to make her own decision.

"Honey…let's go home, you have had enough to deal with today," Rufus says in a gentle voice and rubs his thumb on her shoulder. Lily turns towards him, she understands his objection to her idea, but this isn't about him. She needs to prove to Jack that he doesn't have this intense grip on her that she knows he has. Even though the mere sight of him caused her to rush into the bathroom to throw up, she needs to see him to reinforce this idea that she is still the strong woman she was before Jack violated her.

"No…Rufus, please, I…can't explain it…I just need to see him." Rufus can hear the conviction in her tone and it surprises him. He realizes her stubbornness holds no bounds, when she gets an idea into her head, she will do everything in her power to make sure it happens.

Lily will see Jack with or without Rufus consent. She would rather have him on board with her plan because she is scared that he will leave her here to fend for herself. That isn't Rufus though, but a part of her is faintly annoyed with him. He proclaims that she is in full control of her own choices, but every time she makes one he doesn't agree with, he limits that power.

Rufus is very uneasy about her seeing Jack; based on her reaction from the line-up, she isn't ready. He is afraid that Lily is overestimating her ability to cope with her attack. Of course he will stand by her no matter what her decision is, but he would feel guilty if he didn't voice his doubts to her.

"Okay, but I want to come with you." Lily fiercely shakes her head, bringing Rufus along would only rile Jack up further. She wants a one-on-one conversation with Jack so they can say everything they need to say to each other.

"No…I have to do this alone…" Rufus has unfortunately seen what Jack is capable of doing to Lily and he doesn't want her to be hurt any more by him.

"Fine, but I want an officer with you and Lil; keep your distance from him." The last thing that Rufus wants to happen is for Jack to lay a hand on Lily again. Lily appreciates Rufus being protective of her and will agree to his terms. She doesn't want to be completely alone in a room with Jack anyways, but having Rufus there would be too difficult.

"Okay…I'm ready," she whispers, facing the mirror to get a look at herself. She doesn't want any tear tracks or smudged makeup to be visible when she sees Jack. He doesn't need to know how much she has been crying over him since he raped her.

Rufus reaches for her hand, showing his unwavering support for her. A grin tugs at the corner of Lily's lips, but it doesn't quite stretch across her face. She leans on him as they step out of the bathroom, seeing Detective Nolan approach them with a concern look ensconced in his eyes.

"Lily, I am so sorry to have put you through the line-up. I hope that you feel comfortable with the department pursuing your case." Lily frowns, she didn't have a say in the matter before all of this, why is he giving her one now? Her eyes flicker up to Rufus who has his head turned slightly in confusion, possibly thinking the same thing as her. She presses her lips together, guilt is a powerful emotion. The detective didn't expect such a strong reaction from her and feels remorseful about forcing her into seeing Jack, so his apology is a way of vindicating himself.

"Oh…um…thank you detective…I would actually like to see J...Jack." Lily still struggles with saying Jack, the name gets mangled in her mouth. She would much rather use a pronoun to imply that she wasn't actually familiar with the person that raped her, when in fact, it was her ex-brother-in-law.

The detective quirks an eyebrow, clearly he is siding with Rufus on this as well. Lily doesn't value Detective Nolan's opinion nearly as much as Rufus', but he has the ability to prevent her from visiting Jack.

"Lily, based on what happened in the interrogation room, I would strongly advise against that. It would probably be best if you let Rufus take you home." Lily bites her tongue to stop herself from lashing out at the detective for the second time. She can get home on her own perfectly fine without any assistance from Rufus.

Rufus can sense the irritation radiating off of Lily. He is aware that she is tired of people telling her what's best for her. That doesn't change the fact that he and the detective are just serving in her best interest. He squeezes her hand, communicating to her that he will defend her choice even if he doesn't agree with it.

"Detective, I understand your concern, but all we are asking for is five minutes. Send one of your officers back with Lily and don't let Jack anywhere near her." Detective Nolan is fighting a losing battle with the couple, so he complies.

"Alright…Officer Conrad will take her back to see Mr. Bass." The detective motions for a stocky older cop that is standing in the reception area. Lily gives a tiny grin of appreciation and twists to face Rufus who looks very apprehensive.

"I'll be here when you are done," he tells her. Lily nods, too scared to say anything to him right now. She wants to reassure him that she will be alright with seeing Jack, but she can't because then she would be lying. Rufus gives her a swift kiss on the cheek and nudges her towards the awaiting officer. He is hoping against all odds that she returns from speaking to Jack without falling to pieces.

Lily follows behind the officer assigned to her down an empty corridor, anxiously wringing her hands. The thought of turning around and running back to Rufus has constantly been on her mind. She keeps walking forward; she has committed herself to doing this, even if it terrifies her.

"Miss, I would advise you to keep close to me, we are heading into the holding cells now," Officer Conrad instructs Lily. Lily opens her mouth, but shuts it as a loud buzz interrupts her. The officer immediately hugs the wall and Lily follows suit, bypassing all the other convicts with their arms outstretched. When they reach the end of the catwalk, the officer stops and turns to Lily, signaling that this is Jack's cell. Lily steps forward, swallowing deeply at the sight of Jack sitting on a bench, arrogantly smirking at her. The officer stands against the wall, letting Jack and Lily have their conversation.

Lily clears her throat and shoves her trembling hands into the pockets of her trench coat. She is attempting to maintain her calm façade, although her own body is working against her. Jack stands up, slowly shaking his head and smiling, this is his chance to get under her skin.

"Well Lily, I didn't expect to see you here, have you come back for more?" Jack asks her, coiling his fingers around the iron of the bars. Lily shudders and tilts her head up, stepping forward an inch. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily can see Officer Conrad push off the wall slightly, ready to intervene if she gets too close to Jack.

"No, I wanted to make sure that you were behind bars where you belong," Lily states, hating how much her voice is shaking. A throaty chuckle escapes Jack's lips; he has to hand it to Lily for being here. He didn't think that she would want to come within fifty feet of him.

"This is only temporary until my lawyer can post bail. Then I'm coming for you, Lily and we can finish what we started." Lily instinctively backs away until she hits the brick wall behind her.

"No…that won't happen, you are finished," she says confidently, reigning in her emotions for the time being. Jack clicks his tongue and shakes his head.

"Oh Lily…look how scared you are. Rufus will never want to touch you again, you are damaged goods; I ruined you." Tears are building up in Lily's eyes and she jerks her head away, not letting Jack see her cry.

"Alright, that's enough," Officer Conrad warns Jack. Lily sniffs and gives Jack a death glare as she takes swift strides out of the holding cells. She manages to hold back the tears and navigate her way back to Rufus without the officer escorting her.

"Lil," Rufus says, holding his arms out for her. She collapses into sobs against him, letting free of all of her emotions that were repressed in front of Jack.

"He's c-c-coming a…after me…Rufus," Lily cries into his shoulder. Rufus stiffens and releases his hold on her, his face turning red with fury.

"Wait here," Rufus grounds out and takes off in the direction that she came from.

"Rufus!" Lily calls out, but doesn't chase him, not having any desire to return to the place that Jack is being held.

Rufus is determinedly marching back towards the holding cells, the door being left open from when Lily was there only seconds ago. He rushes past Officer Conrad who asks what he is doing here.

"Listen you miserable son of a bitch, if you ever lay a hand on Lily again, I will kill you!" Rufus yells at Jack, reaching in and grabbing him by the collar of his orange jumpsuit. Jack laughs as the officer clutches Rufus, pulling him away from Jack.

"Rufus, I was wondering when you would show up. I just had a nice conversation with Lily, it seems like she missed me. Now tell me, does she moan my name in her sleep?" Rufus lunges toward Jack again,

"You piece of shit…" Officer Conrad yanks on Rufus' jacket, easily overpowering him.

"Alright, that's enough!" Officer Conrad warns Jack and Rufus. Jack sits back down on the metallic bench and picks up the book he was reading. Rufus holds his hands up and pivots on his heels. The cop escorts Rufus back to the reception area where Lily is waiting. She is curled up on the bench she previously refused to touch, crying quietly.

"Hey baby, I'm here," Rufus sits next to her, draping his arm around the middle of her torso. Lily leans into him, clutching the collar of his coat.

"I want to go home," Lily cries. Rufus nods against her hair and stands up first, holding his hand out for her. She looks up and clutches it, holding onto it tightly as they walk out of the precinct.

They quickly climb into a taxi that takes them back to the penthouse. Lily is fiddling with the lapel of his coat, mulling over her encounter with Jack. Rufus was right, she shouldn't have done that to herself; the risks outweighed the benefits.

"Rufus, what did you say to him?" Lily asks because she has never seen Rufus that agitated before, he has always been relatively calm and patient no matter what the circumstances may be, the way he stormed off like that scared her. He hesitates; he edits out the part of their conversation that deals with her.

"I told him that if he even thinks about coming near you, I will kill him," He says, not an ounce of playfulness in his voice. Lily figured it had something to do with what she said after she left the holding cells. The reality of Jack being released before the trial is exponential, especially given the Bass influence on the New York Police Department.

"Oh…" Lily sighs and leans against his arm. Rufus brushes a kiss to the top her head. She has the same vacant look in her eye that she had when he found her in that bathroom two days ago. He hopes that seeing Jack didn't undo all the progress they have made in the past few days. Rufus is already expecting her to have more vivid nightmares than usual because of her seeing Jack.

"We're almost home Lil," Rufus checks his phone, surprised to see how late it is. They spent more time at the police station then he thought, probably because a line-up and visiting Jack weren't meant to happen.

"Okay…" Lily mumbles and closes her eyes, quickly opening them when the image of the powder room comes into her mind. She nibbles on the inside of her cheek while taking a few deep breaths. Rufus glances down at her, concern flickering in his green eyes. Luckily, the cab stops in front of the apartment complex, cutting their would-be conversation short.

Lily jumps out immediately while Rufus lingers to pay the cab fare. He can feel her trembling when her hand clamps down on his. Vanya is, as always, opening the door for them with a friendly grin.

"Hello Mr. Rufus and Ms. Lily, it's nice to see you two," the kind-hearted doorman tells them. Lily forces a half-smile from her position behind Rufus.

"Thanks Vanya, have a great night," Rufus responds politely, not giving any inclination as to how torn they both are from their visit to the precinct. Lily waves as Rufus brings her to the elevator.

When they step off into the penthouse, Eric and Serena are sitting at the counter, enjoying some cookies. Lily is glad that Dan and Jenny aren't here; she really doesn't want to see anyone besides Rufus and her children right now.

"Hey mom, Rufus, where were you guys?" Serena asks out of curiosity. She notices that her mom looks pale and shaken, even more so than in the past couple days. Rufus turns, exposing Lily to her children. He would rather her give an explanation because he isn't sure what she wants to be said.

"We…were at the police station…I had to talk to them," Lily leaves out the part about seeing Jack. Her kids will want all the juicy details about visiting her attacker, but Lily is still trying to process everything.

"That's great mom!" Serena's enthusiasm dies when she sees her mother frown. Whatever happened at the police station was certainly not great. The teenager can see the guarded irritation ebbing off of her mother, but doesn't know who it's directed towards; herself or Rufus.

"Yeah…it's late, I'm going to bed," Lily tells her children, and doesn't step forward to give the children hugs goodnight.

"Okay, goodnight mom, feel better," Eric says, as if it's that easy. Lily gives a soft smile and heads upstairs, not turning around to make sure Rufus is right behind her.

"Rufus, are you coming?" Lily asks when she is about halfway up the stairs.

"I'll be up in a minute sweetheart," Rufus confirms. Lily licks her lips and disappears into her bedroom.

"What the hell happened?" Serena inquires, she never thought she would see her mother similar to how she came home two nights ago again, but she is wrong.

"She…we…" Rufus trails off; he doesn't know how to explain the emotional turmoil Lily is experiencing to her children. The truth is, Rufus doesn't really know how Lily feels because she hasn't told him. Obviously seeing Jack couldn't have been easy, but all she is giving him is hollow stares and monosyllabic responses to his questions. _Is she mad at me for what happened at the police station? _Rufus muses.

Serena raises her eyebrows, wondering what is so hard to articulate about her mother and Rufus' journey at the police precinct. Eric crosses his arms, waiting for an answer from his mother's boyfriend.

"She saw Jack…and it didn't go well." Both of the kids jaw's flip open at this, no wonder their mother seems so broken.

"Oh…well, you should go, be with her, I'm sure she doesn't want to be alone right now," Serena says. She wishes that she and Lily could talk about what happened, but the only person her mother will talk to is Rufus. Maybe it's better off for now; Serena doesn't think she can listen to her mother talk about her rape without wanting to kill Jack.

"Yeah, right, I'll see you guys tomorrow," Rufus brushes past the children, putting a hand on Serena's shoulder. He quickly walks up the stairs, seeing Lily hiding under her comforter. Rufus sighs and kicks off his shoes, making his way over to what has become his side of the bed. He skates his hand over the folds of the blanket, sensing her curled-up frame underneath.

Lily quivers underneath him and flips down the corner of the comforter, exposing her tear-stained cheeks. She is still dressed in the cardigan and jeans she put on to go to the police station earlier, making no attempt to change into her pajamas.

"Hey Lil, can I come in?" She nods and opens up the covers, allowing him to slide in beside her. Rufus gathers her in his arms, pressing a soothing kiss to her temple. Lily relaxes slightly and turns her head so it is resting on his shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No…I'm really tired…can we just go to sleep?" Lily is afraid that if she starts revealing everything she is feeling, it's going to sound like she is blaming him. None of this is his fault, but she didn't feel compelled to go to the police station until he forced her hand.

Rufus nods, her silky blonde hair invades his senses. He can tell she is keeping something from him, whether it is about seeing Jack or going down to the precinct in the first place. He hates being in the position of either letting it go or pushing the issue further in the hopes that she opens up.

"Okay, do you want to change or try to eat something before we go to sleep?" He receives a shake of the head from her in return and brings the covers up to their chins and shifts his arm so it isn't resting on her bruises.

Rufus listens to her breathing even out, wondering how long she is going to be able to stay asleep. He is predicting a nightmare hitting her sometime tonight and hopefully she will be more apt to expose herself to him.

_Lily is in the powder room with Jack and Chuck has just come in to tear his uncle away from her. She is breathing heavily, her body is aching. The sound of Jack yelling in her ear is making them ring; her eyes are blurry with tears. All she wants is for Rufus to be at her side, assuring her that everything will be okay. _

_ "Rufus! Oh, I am so glad that you are here," Lily races towards him, but he backs away from her. Her eyebrows furrow, confused as to why he isn't reaching out for her as she is doing to him. "Rufus? What is it?" _

_ He scoffs, his eyes flickering all over her body, looking at the abrasions and bite marks left behind by Jack. Lily's tears topple onto her cheeks, feeling uncomfortable by the disgust seeping into Rufus' face. _

_ "Look at what he did to you Lily; I don't want to see you like this. You looked better before." Rufus looks over at Jack who is standing in the corner by Chuck. "She's all yours," he says to Jack and motions for Chuck to follow him out of the bathroom._

_ "Wait, Rufus! Please, no!" Lily screams when Jack steps in front of her, preventing her from getting to Rufus. Rufus looks over his shoulder at her before he closes the powder room door. _

Lily is released from the grips of her nightmare, taking a few shaky deep breaths in to calm herself down. She extends her arm to palpate Rufus' cheek, reinstating the fact that he is still sleeping beside her. Lily longs for the deep slumber that Rufus is in right now. The kind of sleep that has you waking up with your hair askew and creases from the pillow etched temporarily into your face. She wishes that she can have that again instead of being bombarded by nightmares every time she closes her eyes.

A daunting epiphany washes over Lily. Jack was right about what he said at the precinct. He essentially destroyed her confidence in her relationship with Rufus with what he did to her in that bathroom. All that she is left with is the hope that Rufus is staying because he loves her and will wait for her to get better rather than out of obligation or guilt.

Rufus stirs, having felt Lily skim her fingertips over the stubble on his cheek. His eyes lazily flip open, meeting her chocolate ones that are glassy with tears. It doesn't take him long to figure out that she had another bad dream. He palms the back of her head, bringing her closer to the warmth radiating off of his body.

"Lil…should we talk?" he probes gently, but doesn't expect her to give him any answers.

"No…I love you, Rufus." Rufus is momentarily stunned by her declaration, knowing how much clout those words hold for her. He wonders why she is saying it now, at two in the morning, after just experiencing another nightmare.

"I love you too Lil," He sees her entire body and face unwind from the tight coil it was in. Rufus is even more confused by what is happening between them. Lily seems to have gotten what she wanted from him, but she should already know that he loves her. Unless, she just needed him to say it to soothe herself.

Lily is ecstatic that he said it back, although she knew that he would. She can tell even in the light splitting through the blinds that he is puzzled by this interaction between them. She will give a detailed explanation later, but not right now. Lily gingerly turns away from him, coiling her hand around his arm, slinging it across her body. Rufus nuzzles up to her, having already chosen to shelve this conversation for the morning. Lily needs to collect all the sleep she can.

The next morning, Lily rolls over in bed, expecting to bump into Rufus. Her eyes fly open when she realizes that he isn't in bed with her. In fact, Lily has no idea as to where he is. _Did he wake up and leave? _Lily thinks to herself and then listens to his laughter combined with Serena's from the kitchen. Her eyebrows furrow, she is curious as to why her children are up so early, they usually sleep in. Then it hits her, today is Monday, the weekend is over. Serena and Eric are leaving for school and Rufus might be going back to work at the gallery.

Lily can hear someone coming up the stairs and assumes it is Rufus carrying food, begging her to eat. To her surprise, Serena pokes her head in, holding an orange.

"Hey mom, can I come in?" She asks tentatively, wanting to see where Lily is at emotionally compared to last night.

"Sure my darling, come on," Lily brightens when she sees her daughter climb into bed beside her, something they haven't done since she was about eight. "I thought you were having breakfast with Dan today."

Serena averts Lily's gaze, choosing to focus on the comforter instead. Lily notices that her daughter is hiding something because she does the same thing.

"Dan and I broke up yesterday." Lily's eyebrows rise at Serena's admission. She knew that Serena and Dan weren't exactly thrilled about her and Rufus dating, but for them to actually break up is surprising.

"Oh…why didn't you tell me?" Serena swallows a bite of her orange before answering Lily.

"I thought you had a lot on your mind and didn't want to bother you with this." Lily realizes that Serena is just being polite. Over the course of this weekend, Serena has probably seen more emotion evoked from Lily than in her whole life. Lily hasn't exactly been the most present mother the past few days, mostly because she has been dealing with her own issues involving Jack.

"Oh…well Serena, I'm here if you want to talk."

"Mom, can I ask you something?" Lily gives a half nod; she is guessing that Serena would rather talk about anything but her break up with Dan.

"Okay…"

"What was it like seeing Jack after you know…?" Lily whips her head to the side, wondering how Serena knows about her seeing him. Rufus must have mentioned something to her children when she went upstairs last night.

"It was…difficult…he…he wasn't sorry…I shouldn't have done it." Serena sees fear bubble to the surface of Lily's face and she regrets asking. Luckily, Eric calls her name, giving her a much needed excuse to end this conversation. She gives a speedy kiss to her mother's cheek and slides out of the bed, mumbling about going over to Blair's after school.

Predictably, Rufus comes upstairs a few minutes later carrying a tray overflowing with an assortment of breakfast foods. Lily sits up a little in bed, opening her mouth to tell Rufus that she isn't that hungry although she hasn't eaten in almost twenty four hours.

"I know what you are going to say Lil, and I was hoping that you could at least drink something if you don't want to eat." He sets the tray in her lap, dusting a kiss to her forehead. Lily stares at the waffles, toast, eggs, bacon and orange juice piled onto the tiny tray. She chooses the toast to munch on for Rufus' satisfaction.

Rufus smiles proudly, happy that he was able to get Lily eat at least a little. She offers the waffle he made her to him, but he declines, telling her that he ate with her children while she was still sleeping.

An awkward silence washes over them, which is unusual in their budding relationship. Lily can tell that Rufus is itching to ask her a hundred questions about everything that transpired yesterday. She is wondering why he isn't being his inquisitive self. Is he giving her the time she desires or has he given up on her? She appreciates his patience, but something inside her needs to show him how grateful she is.

Lily sets the half-eaten bite of toast down and then picks up the tray, setting it on the nightstand. Rufus bites his lip, watching to see what she is doing. She reaches for him, pulling him down so he is lying beside her. Lily straddles him, leaning into kiss him before he is able to ask what she is doing. He melts into the kiss, momentarily moving his arm so his fingers slide through her wayward tendrils before attempting to separate his lips away from hers.

_You see that Lily, he is pulling away from you; he doesn't want you kissing him. _A voice that sounds eerily like Jack's echoes in Lily's head, and makes her dissolve into tears, burying her head in the curve of Rufus' neck.

Rufus has the faintest idea of what is happening with him and Lily right now. First, she is unexpectedly kissing him, then her whole body stills and she bursts into tears. His arm meanders from her hair to her back, massaging it soothingly in an attempt to ease her sobbing.

"I can't…" Lily wails into his skin. This is going to require some explanation from Lily so Rufus can figure out how to assist her. The last time she kissed him, she had asked if it was okay first. This kiss was out-of-the-blue and done out of trepidation, not affection.

"You can't…what Lil?" Rufus leans into the pillows, brushing his hand over the top of her head in an attempt to try and get her to face him. The arc of her back is making it ache, causing Lily to readjust her position. She climbs off of his lower abdomen and sits next to him, bringing her knees up to her chest.

"I can't give you what you want right now. I'm trying, but I just can't do it…I'm sorry." Rufus still hasn't caught up to her line of thinking. He doesn't know what Lily means when she says that she can't give him what he wants.

Lily completely understands if Rufus walks away from her right now. Their relationship is in its infancy, a mere four days old. They should be taking the time to re-explore each other and navigate their newly conjoined lives together. Rufus didn't sign up for this and he doesn't have to glue her back together if he doesn't want to.

"Lil, I'm confused, what can't you give me?"

"Us." Lily whispers as she wipes a tear sneaking its way down her cheek. Rufus sighs, she is giving up on them. It's hard to believe that after all they went through to become a couple after Bart's death and discovering that the son he didn't know they had is dead, she is letting him go. He is hurt, but mostly concerned. Lily is shutting down and pushing him out of her life because she is that devastated by what Jack did to her.

"No…Lily, I'm here, I'm not leaving you because we can't have sex." It sounds ridiculous when Rufus phrases it like that, but that's essentially what she means. Lily thinks that he has been right by her side because he feels like he should since he is her boyfriend. It's so much deeper than a label; he loves her more profoundly than anyone and he is willing to help her return to a place where they can both enjoy their relationship. He comprehends that Lily will never completely be the same and he hates Jack for that, but they can rebuild what they are left with.

"What if I don't get better?" Lily asks him in an empty tone, not feeling comfortable with voicing her worst fear out loud. She is waiting for the day when she doesn't see a bruise on her body or hear Jack's voice in her dreams. The thought of that not happening is terrifying to Lily. Rufus snags her hand, bringing it into his lap.

"One day…you are going to wake up and not have the rape be the first thing that crosses your mind. I don't know when that is going to be, but I will be here when it happens. We can celebrate by having hot, dirty sex all over the penthouse." Lily breaks into a smile and more tears cascade down her cheek. The one thing that Lily is indebted for Jack for is what he did to her has strengthened her relationship with Rufus.

"You promise?" Lily mumbles, feeling an overwhelming sense of pride for being able to articulate her doubts to Rufus. Although, they haven't talked in depth about what was said to her by Jack, but they have covered the gist of her reservations.

"I do and Lil…can I ask you something?" Lily swallows, creating a ruffling sound when she nods against the pillowcase. If he asks about her visit with Jack, she will try her best to answer his questions.

"I wanted to know how you felt about going to the doctor…" Lily's eyebrows crinkle in confusion, now it's her turn to play catch up in their conversation.

"For…?" Rufus was hoping that he didn't have to explain himself, maybe now is not the time to be mentioning this to Lily.

"I'm not saying you have to, but Detective Nolan brought up a good point about Jack…"

"…Not using a condom," Lily cuts his sentence off, having realized what he is reaching for. She hasn't thought about it since the detective brought it up in her interview, but it's a genuine concern for him to have. God only knows what diseases Jack picked up from his many trysts with hookers that he has openly bragged about. It would be beneficial for Lily to get tested just in case, although the chances of her picking up something from Jack are very slim.

"I will go to the doctor with you if you want," Rufus reminds himself that he needs to be less controlling when it comes to her decisions. He knows that she is a tad resentful towards him for making her go to the police station even if she is attempting to conceal it. That is a different conversation for another time; Lily is already tense enough this morning.

"Uh…I can call my gynecologist to see if she has any openings in her schedule." Lily blushes, thinking that this whole situation is embarrassing and degrading. She never could imagine having to go to her doctor to get an STD panel because she was just raped by Jack Bass. The thought makes her quiver, which has Rufus gently tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Lil…"

"I'm fine, I should…just give the office a call," Lily doesn't want to hear Rufus consoling her and pretending this isn't humiliating for her because he would just be lying. Rufus watches her leave and lets out a frustrating sigh; she isn't making this easy for him.

Lily talks on the phone with someone for a couple of minutes, swapping possible appointment times back and forth. She hangs up and returns to her bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"My doctor had a last minute cancellation so she is able to see me in about an hour. Are you coming with me?" Lily wants Rufus to come for moral support, something he has been great at.

"Of course…if you will do something for me."

"What?" Lily is hesitant, hoping that his request doesn't include a lot of effort on her part.

"Have something more to eat besides half a piece of toast when we get back." She shrugs, giving him a non-committal answer. Rufus nibbles on the inside of his cheek and asks if she wants to get dressed.

"I want to try doing it myself," Lily informs him and Rufus loses her in the depths of her walk-in closet. She returns with a cream long sleeved sweater and leggings clutched in her hands. Rufus riffles through his duffel, pulling out jeans and a brown v-neck long sleeve. He changes, watching her out of the corner of his eye in case she needs his assistance.

Lily is struggling to slip the leggings onto herself, letting out a wince in pain when she tries to bend over. Rufus puts on his shirt and walks over to help her.

"I got it," Lily snaps, feeling silly for being unable to dress herself because of the abrasions on her back. Rufus backs off, knowing that Lily is frustrated by the lack of independence her injuries created. She lets out a breath of aggravation and begrudgingly asks for assistance.

"You can take your pain medication after you eat something else," Rufus assures her, grazing a kiss over her forehead. Lily allows Rufus to finish dressing her, muttering a barely audible thank you when he is finished.

She disappears into the bathroom to put some light makeup on, thinking that she is just going to cry it off again before the day is over. Lily steps out of the bathroom and puts some of her belongings in an over-the-shoulder Chanel purse before reaching down to snatch her thigh-high boots.

"You ready?" He asks, stringing their fingers together when she gives the go-ahead. They walk out of the penthouse together and make their way down to the lobby where Vanya is waiting with their car.

When they arrive at her doctor's office and check in, Lily is a bundle of nerves. She would rather be anywhere but here getting tested for STD's. Rufus laces their fingers together, twisting their arms so he can brush a kiss to the back of her hand.

"Lil, do you want me to come in there with you?" Rufus is perfectly content with sitting in the waiting room until she is finished if that's what she desires.

"Yeah…" Lily whispers, resting her head on his arm. He looks down at the top of her head, wondering why her walls are ten feet high right now. Rufus would think that after the vulnerable conversation they had in her bedroom, Lily would be more ready to give him more detailed answers to his questions.

Although, if Rufus thinks about it, Lily had the same hollow expression in the powder room, at the hospital, police station and when going to the opera the second time. Maybe this is how she copes so she doesn't unravel in front of complete strangers. In public, Lily appears cold and unresponsive, but the truth is, she just suppresses all of her dominating emotions until she is in the comfort of her own home in front of him.

The nurse calls Lily's name and they follow her to an empty exam room, skipping the usual weighing in and height check.

"So…what brings you in here today?" The nurse asks, trying to keep a bright and cheery attitude. Lily grimaces at the nurse's overly high pitched voice, which makes Rufus laugh a little.

"I need um…an STD test…" Lily explains, sensing her cheeks grow hot with embarrassment. Rufus puts a supportive hand on her knee, silently telling her that he will elaborate on this for her if she doesn't want to. The nurse loses her joyful façade and makes a note in Lily's chart.

"Oh…alright, I will tell the doctor when she sees you. I'll go get her." The nurse leaves Rufus and Lily alone, bypassing all of the routine stuff because this isn't an ordinary visit for her. Lily would just like to get whatever testing done that is required and leave. She hopes her doctor knows her well enough not to offer any post-rape guidance like a psychiatrist or support group.

"Did that nurse seem a little too…happy to you?" Rufus asks, breaking the silence. Lily crinkles her eyebrows and looks up at him, cracking a tiny smile.

"I think she chose the wrong specialty," Lily jokes. Rufus laughs and presses his forehead against hers. Every once in awhile when he isn't paying attention, a little piece of the old Lily resurfaces. It's subtle, usually coming in the form of a saccharine smile, a throaty chuckle or a humorous quip about the world around her.

Her brief gasp at normalcy is hindered by a knock on the door. Dr. Matthews, Lily's gynecologist, enters the room with a melancholy grin on her face.

"Lily, it's good to see you again," The petite brunette says and extends her hand for Lily. Lily manages a polite half-smile and shakes the doctor's hand. She is glad that she is able to see a doctor that she has had for over ten years, it lessens the humiliation of having to get an STD panel a tiny bit.

"You too doctor, thank you for seeing me on such short notice."

"Of course, the nurse tells me that you need testing for STD's; may I ask why?" Lily's cheeks turn a rosy hue and her eyes drop down to the denim of her jeans.

"I was…um…raped a couple days ago and I…want to be sure that I didn't catch anything." Rufus drapes his arm over her shoulders, rubbing her upper arm soothingly. Dr. Matthews nods sympathetically and thinks of a way to move forward medically. She feels for Lily, having known her for over ten years now. Lily is more than a run-of-the-mill patient and almost a friend. However, Lily, like all victims of sexual assault, needs control and boundaries. Dr. Matthews has to proceed as if Lily was any other patient to prevent her from feeling overwhelmed.

"I'm sorry to hear that, we can do a blood test and swab for any and all STD's. The chance of transmission is incredibly low, but I will put a rush on the tests just in case." Lily and Rufus both nod, relieved that it's highly unlikely that Jack gave her something.

"Can you do all of the testing? I want to keep this as private as I can," Lily mumbles. Rufus is surprised that Lily is able to trust her doctor with something like this, he would hate for her to go to someone who didn't care about her.

"Of course, I will be right back with all the testing equipment." Dr. Matthews slinks out of the room, leaving the couple by themselves again.

Rufus can tell how hard Lily is trying to not let this affect her. He can't imagine being in her position right now, something he has been thinking all too much over the course of these past three days. He squeezes her hand, silently communicating his support. Lily turns to him, attempting a smile, but it doesn't reach her eyes.

"I really don't want to be here," Lily whispers, using her hand to cover her face when it fills with tears. The armrest of the chairs is preventing Rufus from bringing her closer.

"I know, I'm sorry you have to do this," he says sincerely. Lily sniffs and wipes her eyes before the doctor comes back into the room. She hates hospitals and doctor's even more now than she did before.

Dr. Matthews quietly comes back into the exam room, holding an array of medical supplies.

"I have to draw your blood." Lily scowls, she also despises needles. The corner's of Rufus' eyes crinkle at the disgusted expression on Lily's face. She has survived a vicious attack, but is terrified of a needle. Lily rolls up her sleeve, exposing the angry purple marks on her wrist. Dr. Matthews clears her throat and swabs Lily's arm with antiseptic. When she brings out the needle, Lily jerks her head towards Rufus, scrunching her face up. Rufus laughs and runs his thumb over her knuckles.

"Oh stop being a baby Lil," he teases her lightheartedly. Lily glares at him as the needle plunges beneath the surface of her skin. She keeps her eyes away from her arm until Dr. Matthews removes the needle, placing a bandage over her the crook of Lily's arm.

"Okay, Lily, I am going to need you to get in the stirrups for the swab." Lily tenses and scrapes her teeth over her bottom lip. She was afraid of this part and considers asking if the blood test can be all that is needed. "Here's a cover, I will give you a minute." Dr. Matthews points to a flimsy sheet resting on the exam table.

Lily drops Rufus' hand and moves cautiously over to the exam table. She can barely hear the door close. Rufus approaches her from behind, resting a hand on her shoulder. Lily shudders; the horrible incident of the exam at the hospital is eclipsing this equally humiliating experience.

She strips from the waist down and quickly covers herself with the sheet, leaning back onto the table. Rufus scoots his chair closer and feels her recapture his hand immediately.

Dr. Matthews comes back and situates herself in front of the stirrups. Now that she is informed of Lily's attack she is going to keep Lily appraised of everything that is happening.

"If you feel any discomfort or want me to stop, just let me know, okay?" Dr. Matthews tells Lily and glances up at the man she is with, grateful that the woman has someone by her side. Rufus looks to Lily, giving her an encouraging smile.

"Okay…" Lily mutters, darting her eyes around the room, trying not to look at anything but the sheet covering herself.

Dr. Matthews performs a quick exam, just to be sure that the hospital didn't miss anything or there aren't any lasting effects from Lily's attack. Lily clenches her jaw and takes a deep breath, blocking out any memories from her rape or anything that happened at the hospital after.

"Are you doing okay Lily?" Dr. Matthews asks and reaches for the swab.

"Mhmm…" Lily replies, fighting with everything inside of her not to stop what is happening. She closes her eyes briefly; opening them and twisting her head to the side when she senses Rufus squeeze her hand.

They don't say anything to each other, but his silence reaches her in a way that nobody else can. They have known each other long enough to realize when words aren't needed.

"Okay, I'm going to do the swab now, this will be uncomfortable, but try to stay still as much as you can." Dr. Matthews tells her and grabs the swab. Lily grips the plush material of the exam table as her leg begins to tremble.

"Lil, do you want to go out to lunch after this?" Rufus suddenly wonders in an attempt to distract her.

"What?" Lily asks and clamps down on her lip as the swab is inserted. Rufus can tell he is beginning to lose her so he places his hand on top of her head, gently stroking her hair.

"We could go to that place you like with the overly priced tiny food in SoHo if you want. What's the name of that restaurant again?" Rufus keeps talking to her, giving her something to focus on besides whatever Dr. Matthews is doing.

"Okay…I'm done," the doctor says before Lily can respond to Rufus. Lily traces Rufus' smirk with her eyes and authentically grins when she realizes what he was trying to do for her. "Lily, you are all set; someone will give you a call with the results in a day or two. If you need anything else or just want to talk, don't be afraid to call my office." Dr. Matthews smiles as she heads out the door.

"I would rather eat at home," Lily tells Rufus while getting re-dressed.

"Sure, we can do that," Rufus honestly doesn't give a damn where they have lunch, but thought it would be an effective tactic to start talking about whatever came to his mind to engross her in a conversation.

Lily and Rufus arrive back at the penthouse a half an hour later.

"What would you like to eat?" Rufus asks her, leaning over the counter so her face is mere inches from his. Lily shrugs, she isn't going to each much of what Rufus cooks for her anyway. "Okay…how about a grilled cheese sandwich?"

"Yeah…that's fine, I'm going to get my medication from my room." Lily leaves Rufus to his own devices downstairs as she goes up into her room. Rufus starts a burner and puts a pan over it, rooting around in her kitchen to find the necessary ingredients.

He has a few minutes to wait before he starts cooking so he wanders into the living room. Rufus spots the newspaper in its usual spot and grabs it up, deciding to flip through the headlines while Lily is upstairs. He walks back into the kitchen, grabbing a drink in the fridge and splashes the newspaper across the counter.

Displayed in black and white on Page Six is the devastating headline: **JACK BASS ARRESTED FOR ALLEDGELY RAPING NEW YORK SOCIALITE **

Rufus almost spits out the liquid trapped in his mouth. He can't let Lily see this, she is having a relatively good day, and Rufus doesn't want to be responsible for ruining that. The bitter irony of the caption isn't lost on Rufus, remembering when Lily told her doctor just an hour ago, "I want to keep this as private as I can."

Though the article doesn't mention Lily by name, it is pretty obvious to everyone else who reads this that it was her that was attacked by Jack. He can hear Lily coming back down the stairs. Rufus quickly hides the newspaper in a counter drawer and paints on a confident smile for her.

"Your lunch will be ready soon Lil…"

**A/N 2: Alright, that's where I am ending it for now, I am hoping that you guys want more of this story. What do you people want to happen next? I value your input so much, that I want everyone to share their thoughts, ideas, opinions, etc. I will be updating this soon unless told otherwise. Thanks for reading! **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: As always, thank you for the amazing review you guys leave me. I love when everyone tells me what they want in this story because I like throwing some of your ideas in a chapter that I am working on. Rated M and I hope you people like!**

**Chapter Six**

_Though the article doesn't mention Lily by name, it is pretty obvious to everyone else who reads this that it was her that was attacked by Jack. He can hear Lily coming back down the stairs. Rufus quickly hides the newspaper in a counter drawer and paints on a confident smile for her. _

_ "Your lunch will be ready soon Lil…" _

Lily nods and sets the pill bottle on top of the counter. She enjoys watching Rufus cook; it's something that she never learned how to do. He makes it look so effortless, flying around the kitchen, working the stove and toaster simultaneously.

Rufus catches Lily staring at him and for a moment he thinks that she caught him hiding the newspaper. Then her eyes crinkle at the corners slightly and his fears subside. She seems more intact now then when they left the doctor's office. Hopefully this will be the last in a series of difficult events that she has to overcome for a while. Rufus will show her the newspaper article in due time, but she has had enough to process for the time being. He realizes that this breaks his promise to himself about letting her control the flow of information to her, but he doesn't want her to unravel completely.

"You okay?" Lily asks, noticing him staring off into the distance. Rufus snaps to attention and grabs the spatula off the counter.

"Aren't I supposed to be asking you that question?" Rufus throws back at her, wanting to see if she plays along.

"I hate that question, I'm not okay…I don't know when I'm going to be okay," Lily blurts out, sensing a rosy hue flourish on her cheeks. Rufus produces a grilled cheese and clasps her hand momentarily.

"You'll be okay eventually Lil, I know it's frustrating, but it just takes time. Now…eat," He commands jokingly, nudging the paper plate towards her. Lily accepts the plate and uses both hands to gnaw at the sandwich.

Rufus makes a grilled cheese for himself, constantly checking over his shoulder to see if she is still taking bites. She needs to eat at least half to be able to stomach the pain pill that she should take. Lily catches him and takes a huge chunk out of the sandwich to please him. He playfully rolls his eyes at her, loving the smile blooming on her face.

Little by little, Lily's appetite is starting to return. Rufus couldn't understand how out of all the things she has lost over her rape, her appetite would be the one of the most devastating. Lily had to explain to him that every time she took a bite, all she could taste was the harsh scent of Jack's cologne invading her senses. She had a craving of orange juice for a day or two after just to replace the bitter taste he left in her mouth. Eventually, Lily will be able to eat full meals again, but it will just like everything else, take time.

Rufus brings his freshly made grilled cheese over to the counter so he can eat with her. He pours her a glass of orange juice from the fridge so she has something to swallow her pill with. His phone vibrates against the counter and Rufus puts his glass down to answer the phone.

"Hey Vanessa...yeah…he was coming in today…well…no…look, can you handle the meeting without me?" Lily's ears perk up, wondering what Rufus is talking about. She hopes that whatever meeting Rufus is referring to isn't detrimental to the gallery. Lily would hate for Rufus to lose a client because he is putting his work and life on hold for her. "I'll call you back…okay…bye."

Lily hears a sigh slip through the slit of Rufus' lips. She sets her glass down on the marble and snatches up her pill bottle, attempting to pry it open.

"What was that about?" Lily asks, wanting to switch the topic of conversation away from her for once. Rufus scratches behind his head and shifts more of his weight onto the counter.

"Vanessa was calling about a meeting at the gallery today, but I think she can manage without me there." Lily furrows her eyebrows; she knows how worried Rufus is about not being able to provide for his children, for him to just brush that aside for her is sweet, but unnecessary.

"You should go, I'll be alright here. I think I am going to just lie down anyway." Lily says nonchalantly, as if being by herself doesn't terrify her. The longest she has gone without Rufus here since her rape was only about an hour. She ended up swiping a bottle of booze from her stash of liquor and then sobbing hysterically on the floor before she even took a sip.

Rufus quirks an eyebrow, it sounds like she is trying to convince herself more than him. If he knew that she would feel perfectly comfortable with staying here by herself than he would be more inclined to agree. She seems uneasy about her decision, though the tone of her voice says otherwise.

"Lil...are you positive? It's not a big deal; I can talk to Vanessa over the phone if she has any questions." Lily isn't sure why, but for some reason she just feels better. Today has been relatively kinder to her than yesterday, so much so that she might be misjudging her improvement.

"Go, Rufus, I insist. As long as you come back, I think I'll be able to function for a few hours alone." Rufus is really torn about this; her track record of being by herself hasn't exactly been great. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if she came unhinged while he was gone. A part of him is unsure as to why Lily is being so adamant about this, maybe she is trying to prove to herself that she doesn't need him to babysit her constantly.

"Okay…my phone will be on, please don't hesitate to call if you need me. I will be back as soon as I can." Lily nods, propelling a confident smile onto her lips. She senses how reluctant Rufus is about leaving her at the penthouse while he races off to Brooklyn, but she will hopefully survive. Rufus rounds the counter, approaching her. There is a stillness that the both of them are trying to navigate. He isn't sure whether to kiss her goodbye or leave without initiating any sort of contact.

Lily sees the battle breaking out in Rufus, hating herself for causing that uncertainty in him. She misses the level of intimacy their relationship possessed as much as he does. It feels weird to be in a relationship with him and all they do is talk, mostly about her emotions that her rape evoked in her. Though, Lily is afraid of what were to happen if she were to push herself physically before she is ready, something that Rufus has been trying to prevent.

"I'll…um…see you when you get back then," Lily whispers, stumbling and falling over her words. Awkwardness has permeated the air, affecting them both. Rufus leans forward, dusting a kiss to her forehead. She breathes him in, secretly hoping that he would have tried to kiss her lips again. He is scared to because of her reaction last time in the shower. Rufus has made the decision within himself to appoint her as the decision maker in their relationship. He will follow her lead when it comes to should-they-or-shouldn't-they moments like this.

"Lil…be careful okay?" Rufus probes gently, offering a subtle grin, brushing the pad of his thumb on her chin. Lily nudges him towards the elevator, not wanting to drag this out any further. She is having a hard enough time with the idea of him leaving and he isn't even gone yet.

The elevator doors close in front of Rufus, officially leaving Lily alone in the penthouse to dwell. She checks the time on her phone, Serena and Eric aren't going to be home for another couple of hours which is right around the time Rufus is due back. Lily twiddles her thumbs, curious as to what she should do to preoccupy her time. She doesn't want to leave the safety of the penthouse, but the silence here is suffocating. Lily is left with her own thoughts and the sinking fear that Rufus isn't coming back.

She yawns, stretches and wanders back into the kitchen. Lily spots the open pill bottle on the counter and frowns. She promised Rufus that she would take one for her aching back, but she hates how drowsy the medication makes her feel. Lily returns the pills to the medicine cabinet and heads to her room. A part of her needs to see if she can sleep without Rufus being here, lulling her to sleep.

Rufus ends up at the gallery a half an hour later. He keeps looking at his phone, ready to barrel back to Manhattan if Lily were to ask him to. She seemed really hesitant about him leaving, but still encouraging. He has this terrible realization that Lily isn't going to call him no matter what state of mind she is in. _Stubborn woman, _Rufus thinks and waves to Vanessa chatting with the client, showing him the open space set aside so they can display his pieces.

_Jack has Lily pinned up against the bathroom counter, his hand possessively and forcibly binding her wrists together. His lips keep making unwelcome assaults on her lips, attempting to get her to give in. Lily is wriggling against his frame, breathing heavily into his hand that is clasped over her mouth. She manages to shake her head free from his grasp,_

_ "Rufus!" She exclaims, fully expecting the slap across the face she receives from Jack. _

_ "Shut up, Rufus isn't coming to save you," Jack taunts and seizes his opportunity to force his tongue into her mouth. Lily chokes in surprise and gags. Jack presses his hand up against her throat, forcing her to tilt her head back so he can sloppily kiss and bite her neck. She is gasping for air, wincing when she feels Jack sink his teeth into her flesh. Why hasn't Rufus noticed she is gone? Where the hell is he? She only has a few precious moments left before Jack is able to undo her. A tear slides down Lily's cheek when she realizes that Rufus won't get to her in time. _

Lily jerks awake, letting her eyes flutter closed to release the tears collecting at the brim of her eyelids. Her nightmares bounce back and forth between flashbacks and distortions of the actual attack. She buries her head into her pillow, wondering why Rufus isn't rubbing her back while whispering reassurances into her ear like he always does.

"Oh Rufus that was…" Lily trails off, the realization that he isn't here is hitting her. She pops her head up from the pillow and turns her head over to the empty side of the bed. Lily has to weather this latest nightmare on her own without Rufus' assistance. She reaches over to grab her cell phone, swiping it open and hovering her finger over Rufus' contact information. Lily wipes the fallen tears away from her cheeks and puts her phone back on the nightstand. She has to manage by herself, Rufus isn't coming back.

Over in Brooklyn, Rufus is growing antsy. It's been over an hour and he hasn't heard a peep from Lily. He is trying to convince himself that she is fine, but he would feel better if she were to respond to his text. It was a simple, _how are you doing? _Rufus refrained from asking the cliché _are you okay? _Lily has made it abundantly clear that she despises that question because her answer will always be the same. If this meeting isn't over by the next hour, Rufus is calling it for the day. He needs to get back to the penthouse to be with Lily, no exceptions.

Lily takes a few deep breaths; she is failing miserably at calming herself down. _Okay Lily, you are just fine_…_it was a bad dream…Jack isn't here, he is jail, you saw him there yesterday. Rufus will hopefully come back in about an hour. _She shakes her head; Lily needs something to dull the pain until Rufus returns to the penthouse, if he comes back at all. Lily pulls back the covers and ventures downstairs, to her liquor cabinet. What she is about to do is only going to be temporary relief, a band-aid to fix the bullet hole, but Lily is okay with that for now.

She stands on her tip-toes; reaching around the wine she has displayed in the front. Wine isn't enough to even take the edge off, she needs something stronger. Lily locates the half-finished bottle of Jack Daniels her and Rufus were sipping from yesterday. She tips her head back and takes a long swig. Lily wipes off the excess liquid from her lips and shudders; she forgot how potent the whiskey is.

Thirty minutes later, Rufus and Vanessa are wrapping up the meeting with this client. They have acquisitioned him to display a few pieces in the upcoming months. Rufus should be happy that this will draw more attention to his gallery, but his mind is in Manhattan with Lily. She still hasn't answered any of his text messages. He was tempted to call her, but he didn't want to appear uninterested to his client. Vanessa can tell that Rufus isn't all the way there today, but she hasn't asked him about it. Rufus is hoping that Dan didn't tell Vanessa about what happened to Lily. Vanessa is like a second daughter to Rufus, but Lily's rape really isn't any of her business.

"Well that was good…Rufus…are you listening?" Vanessa asks after showing the client to the door. Rufus nods and whips out his phone, dialing Lily.

"Yeah, I have to go Vanessa. Thanks for helping me with this today, I'll see you tomorrow…maybe," Rufus isn't sure what his work schedule is looking like for the next week. He might have to turn operations over to Vanessa for the time being, until Lily is comfortable with going back to her daily routine. Vanessa crinkles her eyebrows, but doesn't ask further.

Rufus waves goodbye and presses his phone to his ear as he is walking out.

"Damn it Lil…come on…pick up…" He mumbles to himself and then angrily shoves his phone in his pocket when he gets her voicemail. Rufus doesn't leave a message, knowing that Lily isn't going to check it. He is praying that Lily is still asleep, but he doubts it. Usually she only is able to be in a peaceful slumber for about an hour, and then the nightmares start plaguing her sleep.

Back at the penthouse, Lily is on her fourth or fifth shot of straight Jack Daniels. The number is lost on her, but she is starting to feel the warmth and numbness that typically accompanies her drinking. She ignored Rufus' phone call, he is most likely calling to check up on her. She would have to lie to him and say that she is doing fine which she doesn't have the energy to do. Lily pours herself another shot, _this one's for you Jack, _she thinks bitterly to herself and swallows the drink in one gulp.

Rufus steps into the lobby of Lily's apartment building. Vanya, as always, is there waiting with a warm smile.

"Hey Vanya, have you seen Lily leave at all recently?" Rufus asks out of curiosity.

"No Mr. Rufus, Ms. Lily is still upstairs. Would you like me to call up there?" Rufus shakes his head,

"No thanks Vanya, I'll see you later." He makes his way over to the elevator, jabbing repeatedly at the penthouse button. Rufus is scared of what is he is going to find when he steps off the elevator.

Lily hears the elevator doors open and assumes it's one of the children. She sets the glass holding her seventh shot down on the counter and turns, wanting to see who it is.

"Rufus! You're here," Lily exclaims and bounces over to him. Rufus sets his coat down on the couch, surprised to see her in such good spirits. Maybe leaving her alone wasn't a bad idea after all.

"Hey Lil," he smiles, wrapping his arms around her in a hug. Lily accepts it and then pulls back, moving to passionately kiss him on the lips. He is shocked by the abrupt shift in her mood. He is glad that she is taking the initiative to start reintroducing the intimacy into their relationship, but they don't have to do it all right away.

Lily keeps kissing him, hoping that he doesn't pick up on the alcohol seeping into her breath. Her hand reaches down to the hem of his shirt, tugging at it. Rufus can taste the whiskey woven into Lily's breath and furrows his eyebrows. He starts putting the pieces together, the alcohol that she drank while he was gone is what's driving her to want to have sex with him, it's not because she is actually feeling better.

Lily slowly walks them back towards the couch, wanting him to collapse on it, bringing her down with him. One of her hands weaves through his hair, collecting chocolate strands in the space between her fingers.

He blindly maneuvers his hand down to clasp hers, pulling it away from his body. Their kisses become reduced to miniscule pecks while he tries to draw himself away from her without hurting her feelings.

Lily can sense him starting to pull away, so she detaches from him, starting to pace in front of him.

"Oh my god…oh no…" She mumbles to herself, hating when tears start to pool, making her vision blurred. Rufus isn't sure how to handle this latest development; he doesn't know how to help her.

"Lil, what's going on?" Lily momentarily looks up at him and then glances back at the floor. Rufus reaches out to brush his fingertips along her arm, but she jerks away.

"He was right…" Lily whispers, bringing her trembling hand up to her mouth. Rufus' eyes bulge and he purposely steps in front of her, blocking her path.

"Honey, sit down, we need to talk." He rests a hand on the middle of her back, guiding her towards the couch. Lily trips over her feet and ends up clumsily falling into the furniture. Rufus stifles his laughter and snags her hand, bringing her into a seating position. Taking advantage of a drunken Lily would be exciting if she wasn't so vulnerable right now.

"Jack was _right, _Rufus," Lily repeats as tears slip down her cheeks. Rufus internally cringes at her mention of Jack Bass. Whatever Jack said to her is obviously having a huge effect on her.

"What do you think he was right about Lil?" Rufus isn't sure he wants to hear it, but whatever was said caused Lily to drink heavily and try to have sex with him.

"He said…" Lily clears her throat, trying to clear the cobwebs that are constricting her voice, "he said that I'm damaged goods and you won't want to touch me again. H-h-he told me that he ruined me." She covers her face, sobbing pitifully into her hands. Rufus rubs her back, easing her towards him, pressing a kiss to her hair. Now he comprehends why Lily was so desperate for physical contact in their relationship. He feels terrible for shutting her down, but oddly thankful. Rufus hopes that they can finally have an honest conversation about her reactions to seeing Jack yesterday; he hasn't been able to drag much out of her until now.

"Lil, don't listen to Jack, you aren't anything of those things he said to you." Lily is trying frantically to believe what he is telling her, but she can't. If Rufus really wanted to help her, he wouldn't have pushed away when she was trying to fix herself.

"Why didn't you let me…why did you pull away?" Lily doesn't let Rufus respond to her questions. Instead, her eyes widen in fear when she thinks she has realized their problem. "Oh my god, it's because of the bruises, isn't it?" You don't find me attractive anymore." Rufus shakes his head, Lily's mind is working in overdrive and he is attempting to catch up with her.

"No Lil, that's not it at all. I just don't think we should try to have sex while you are drunk. I want you to actually enjoy and remember our first time together since after your rape. And I still find you just as beautiful as I did before." Rufus doesn't want to make it about her not being ready because she will just argue or do something to prove that she is.

Lily still is skeptical, but is starting to understand that the reason Rufus pulled away was not because of her physical appearance. It has more do with her mental ability to handle reaching that level of intimacy. She is starting to doubt whether she could have actually had sex or the memories of the rape would intrude on their moment, causing her to shut down.

"How I do know that you aren't just saying that to make me feel better?" Lily asks honestly. Rufus softly smiles and tucks a stray piece of hair back behind her ear. He should be offended by her doubting him, but he's not, he can tell that she genuinely needs reassurance from him.

"Sweetheart, I'm not leaving, so don't let that worry you." Rufus cups her cheek, stamping a kiss on her lips. Lily accepts the kiss and then cuddles into him when they separate. They both let the kiss fall apart, each pulling away at the same time rather than one of them deciding that they have had enough.

Rufus is trying to not let his frustration show. He knows that Lily is struggling with every aspect of recovering from her attack, but her repeatedly doubting their relationship isn't helping. She couldn't have thought that getting drunk and trying to have sex would actually work with him. He understands that she was attempting to reestablish some intimacy in their relationship, but this wasn't about her. She was trying to force herself into doing something because she thought that he would leave her if she didn't. Lily should know by now that he isn't going to leave and Rufus isn't sure what else he can do to prove it to her.

"I'm glad you are here," Lily whispers softly. She missed him and for a while, she didn't think he was coming back to her. Lily can tell that Rufus is starting to grow impatient with her, especially when it comes to her being unsure about their relationship. He has to comprehend that it's bothering her too, but she can't help it. Jack chiseled away a lot of who she is when he raped her and she is desperately striving to get all the pieces of her back. She just has to be content with the fact that Rufus promised her that he isn't abandoning her and not continue to question it.

Rufus can sense her trembling against him, clinging to the fabric of his t-shirt. She just looks so lost, it breaks his heart. Every time she appears to be getting better, she pushes herself and then ends up falling apart. He wonders how long this recovery process will take, if there are specific milestones that she should be reaching, but isn't. Obviously, Lily will never be able to block what happened completely out of her mind, but there has got to be a healthy balance. She should still be able to live her life without memories of the rape constantly eating away at her. Maybe Rufus is being hasty; she is making some miniscule strides in the right direction.

"Lil…I'm totally just asking…but would it help if you talk to someone…other than me." He knows the implications of what he is suggesting to her. The possibility of her becoming more upset with him is exponential, but he is only serving in her best interest. He isn't qualified to deal with a situation like this. Of course he will assist in her in any way he can, but it might help her more if she were to go to therapy.

"You mean like a therapist? Jesus…Rufus," Lily spits out, furious that he would even bring it up to her. He should know more than anyone that she doesn't believe in them. Eric's case was different; she was embracing the process because she thought it would help her son, not her.

"You don't have to go if you don't want to, I was only thinking of you. We could go together if that makes you feel more comfortable," Rufus is willing to say anything to prevent her from becoming angry at him. If he didn't think it would aid her just a fraction, he wouldn't have even recommended it.

Lily is chewing on her lower lip to prevent herself from snapping at Rufus. Deep down, she is aware that he is only suggesting it because he thinks that it will do her some good, but she can't help but feel insulted. He doesn't think that she is coping as well as she can? Retelling the story of her rape to a stranger and explaining how that makes her feel doesn't do anything for Lily.

"I'm _not _going and I don't want to talk about this anymore," Lily warns him. If she feels like she is in over her head and needs to see a therapist, then she will. Until then, that discussion is off the table.

"Okay, I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean to push." Rufus sweeps a kiss over her temple, officially ending that turbulent conversation. Therapy won't help her anyway if she isn't willing to be an active participant. Lily's stubbornness and pride is preventing her from seeing the benefits of going to a therapist.

Hesitation is sweeping across Lily's features at Rufus' apology. She realizes his recommendation wasn't a personal attack, but it felt that way. Lily is starting to have her suspicions about her capability of recovering from her rape, mentally and physically. Luckily, Rufus won't give her an ultimatum about seeing a therapist; he is aware of how damaging that would be to their relationship.

"Can we…get out of here?" Lily asks, to her own surprise. Rufus arches his brow; Lily hasn't expressed her wish to leave the penthouse since they went to the opera which ended up blowing up in their faces.

"Uh…sure…where do you want to go?" He will take her anywhere, he is just happy that she doesn't want to bury herself in here forever.

"I…don't know, I'm still a little drunk," Lily says. Rufus laughs and shakes his head, he still smell the alcohol on her breath.

"How about Central Park? We can just walk around by ourselves." Lily agrees, she was thinking of shopping on Fifth Avenue, but she doesn't want to run into anyone she knows there. She is perfectly content with keeping to herself until she is ready to return to the Upper East Side society.

"That sounds good, I'll get my coat," Lily eases off the couch, her back is aching from their pathetic attempt at sex earlier. Rufus eyes her, wondering why she is in this much pain if she took her pill while he was gone. He rolls his eyes; he didn't actually watch her take it so he is assuming that Lily chose alcohol over the medication.

"You can take a pill when we get back," Rufus mutters, his voice taking on a slight scolding tone. Lily blushes and nods, she didn't want to mix alcohol with the narcotic she was supposed to swallow.

"Okay, let's go, I don't want to be gone too long." Rufus is contemplating mentioning to her that they don't have to leave the penthouse if she doesn't feel comfortable. He is hoping that the newspaper article hasn't caught on yet and there aren't any paparazzi waiting outside the apartment complex. Rufus reminds himself to ask Vanya if anyone has been loitering around Lily's building with a camera. He would like to keep the fact that the story of her rape has flooded the New York social scene for as long as possible. "Rufus…are you coming?"

"Yeah Lil, I'm right behind you," He races to catch up to her, banding their fingers together as they step onto the elevator. Lily leans into him as the elevator doors close. Together, they make their way out of the lobby. Vanya opens the doors for them and Lily steps through, but Rufus holds back.

"Rufus, what is going on with you?" Lily asks, she should be the one having a problem with leaving the confines of her home, not him, unless there is something he isn't sharing with her.

"Hey Vanya, has anyone been around here that…shouldn't?" Rufus asks, out of curiosity. He doesn't want to step onto the sidewalk and be ambushed by men with cameras yelling questions at Lily. Lily crinkles her eyebrows and glances around the bustling street, waiting for someone to jump out at her.

"No Mr. Rufus, just the usual homeless people looking for somewhere to escape the cold. I will let you know," Vanya says. Rufus nods and grabs Lily's hand, walking ahead of her.

"What was that about?" Lily asks, feeling paranoid all of the sudden. Rufus shrugs, averting suspicion away from himself.

"Nothing, I was just being careful…I don't want anyone around you that doesn't need to be, you know?" He really should tell her about the article, but he doesn't want to freak her out. He realizes the kind of reaction she is going to have when she sees it and she won't want to leave the penthouse for a long time. It's healthy for her to want to get out in the world; he just is praying that nothing or anyone disrupts that.

Lily frowns and tilts her head in confusion, something isn't adding up to her. Why is Rufus nervous about her being outside? He was the one who wanted her to not sit and brood in the penthouse all day. For him to have a sudden change of heart is alarming to her.

"Okay…well…it's just you and me here…" Rufus is starting to become aware that he is freaking her out. He shakes his head and brings her closer, dropping a kiss to the crown of her head.

"I know Lil, I'm sorry; I just can't help but be protective of you." The corners of Lily's lips turn up in a saccharine smile. She appreciates his concern immensely.

"Oh…well thank you, hopefully I will be okay," Lily leaves her statement up for interpretation. So far, she is fine with walking around the streets of New York, mixing in with the people walking by. She is just another person stomping the concrete jungle, on her way to Central Park with her boyfriend.

Rufus spots a magazine stand on the street and yanks on her hand, bringing them to a cross walk. Lily glances at him, wondering why he is still acting so weird. He is hiding something from her and she needs to find out what it is because she has a feeling it has to do in large part with her.

"Where are you taking me?" Lily asks, hiding behind him when she spots Anne Archibald cutting through the park to get to Fifth Avenue. Luckily, Nate's mother walks right past her without a second glance. Rufus leads them to the bridge that they met at after Bart died. That was almost a month ago, when he told her that he was waiting for her no matter how long it took. So much has happened since then; it's hard to wrap their heads around.

Lily grins at how much significance this particular spot in the park holds for them. Rufus severs their hands to wrap his arm around her, bringing her closer so they can look out at the bustling city around them.

It feels so nice to just be standing here with Rufus, not having to think about the rape for the first time since it happened. Sure, it is always in the back of her mind, but for now, she is just standing here, just eyeing the scenery in front of them.

"You want to walk a little more Lil?" Rufus asks, his husky voice cutting into her thoughts. Lily glances up, nodding slightly. He takes the lead, leading them down a winding path away from most of the tourists taking typical shots against landmarks in the park. Rufus is glad they can obtain this kind of normalcy without having to force it. Lily seems to be sobering up and becoming her old self again, giggling when a roller skater takes a tumble on a loose stick a few feet ahead of them. He hopes for more days like this for them, but he has to force himself to be realistic. Lily is going to have some good days and a lot of really bad days, especially when Jack's trial begins, which is undoubtedly going to draw unwelcome media attention.

Rufus knows it is only a matter of time before Lily discovers that article. One of her kids or society friends is bound to let it slip that there was an excerpt about Jack Bass raping her on Page Six. He is trying to think of the right way to bring it up to her. Rufus would hate to be the one to ruin her good spirit, but he thinks she should hear it from him.

It was his decision to keep this from her in the first place. She is going to be mad at him which is to be expected. However, he will do his best to convince her that he didn't do it maliciously. His protective instincts overruled his more rational side in that moment.

Lily stares at Rufus, wondering what he is thinking so deeply about. He has been acting strange ever since she decided to leave the penthouse, but she can't figure out why. The simple explanation is that he is scared that she won't be able to handle venturing outside of the penthouse. It's a reasonable assumption, considering how disastrous the visit to the opera and police station was. She has proven that to herself and him that she has been able to overcome every obstacle her way with his help and plenty of alcohol.

"Are you ready to go? The kids should be getting home from school soon," Lily mumbles. She feels horrible about her lack of parenting since Friday night. Lily hasn't been the most hands-on mother in the past, but she has been trying to make more of an effort since Eric's accident. She wants to be as much a part of her children's lives as they allow regardless of the emotional turmoil she is experiencing because of Jack.

"Yeah…if you want to leave then we can go." Rufus is surprised that she wants to leave so soon. Hopefully in time they can spend more time away from the penthouse. This was a good first step and she handled it well.

Lily and Rufus navigate their way back to the apartment complex with her a step behind him the whole time. Rufus wishes that she felt strong enough to walk beside him instead of hiding in his shadow, but he knows that will change in due time. Thankfully, there were no cameras in their sights, allowing safe entry into the lobby. Vanya holds the door open for them and informs Lily that Eric and Serena have returned home from school.

"Thanks Vanya, we are going to see them now," Rufus speaks for the both of them. He crosses his fingers that Serena or Eric doesn't blab about the article to Lily, but his window of opportunity to tell her is fading fast.

They climb into the elevator, stepping off at their floor. Serena and Eric are chatting at the counter, waiting for their mother. Serena sees Lily and her eyes widen, wondering why she looks so _happy. _Her mother's smile is authentic, not the forced one she has been wearing to appease her and Eric. Serena glances over at Eric, who is thinking the same thing. Either Lily has had time to process the article or she hasn't seen it yet.

"Hey mom, Rufus, what's going on?" Eric asks. Rufus lets go of Lily's hand and they separate, standing on either side of the children.

"We went to Central Park for a bit, just to kind of get out of the penthouse," Lily explains. Serena beams widely at her mother,

"That's great mom! How was it?" Serena is ecstatic that her mother seems to be getting better; although, if she doesn't know about the article, then it will only set her back again.

"It was nice, easy…" Lily shrugs, not really knowing how describe a leisurely stroll in Central Park.

"Anything else happen today?" Eric probes. Lily's eyebrows knit together; she isn't going to tell her children how she drunkenly tried to seduce Rufus and then cried about it.

"No…we just hung out here and then went out," Rufus answers for Lily. He knows what the children are doing; they are trying to see if Lily knows about the newspaper. This should be his opportunity to tell her, but he can't.

"Right, well I'm going to go to Jonathan's, I'll be back later mom," Eric looks for an excuse to leave this awkward situation. He is irritated with Rufus for not letting his mother see the newspaper, she deserves to know. Eric hugs Lily goodbye and waves to Rufus.

Serena glances around, trying to find a way to get Rufus out of the kitchen so she can leave Lily by herself. She doesn't want her mother to be blindsided by all of this and would think Rufus would want the same.

"Hey Rufus…do you mind helping me with a package downstairs? It's really heavy," Serena lies. Rufus glances at Lily who is indifferent. He stamps a kiss to her cheek and then follows Serena to the elevator.

Lily's eyes dart around the empty penthouse. She is starting to feel like everyone, including Rufus, is keeping something from her. If whatever it is has to deal with her rape, she has every right to know. Lily narrows her eyes and tries to think of what she is missing. Rufus seemed very concerned about who and what she saw today. _Okay Lily, think, why would he be like that? _She moves her head to look over at the table by the elevator where the newspaper is usually at, but it's not there. Lily furrows her eyebrows and looks in the garbage, it's empty. Now she is starting to put the pieces together, she just needs to find today's newspaper.

Serena and Rufus land in the lobby and not shockingly, there is no package. Rufus realizes that Serena lied to him and Lily, but isn't sure why.

"Why haven't you told my mother about the article?" Serena asks Rufus, crossing her arms over her chest. Rufus sighs, Serena is right, he is going to go upstairs and tell Lily.

"She has been having such a good day Serena; I just didn't want to wreck it. You're right, I should tell her and I will, just not yet."

"People have already started asking me questions about mom and I haven't said anything. Rufus please don't let her be caught off guard by all of this."

"Okay, I will go upstairs and let her see the article, I promise." Serena breathes a sigh of relief, she believes him.

"Thank you, can you tell mom that I will be at Blair's? I don't think I'll be home for dinner." Rufus watches Serena walk out the door and then he goes back upstairs.

When he steps into the penthouse, he is expecting Lily to be perched at the counter. The first floor is empty; Lily is nowhere to be found. He is starting to get extremely anxious and races up the stairs. Rufus eases open the door to her bedroom, thinking that she isn't in here either, until he hears a loud sniff.

Lily is sitting on the floor, on the other side of her bed, crying heavily. She looks up when she sees Rufus stand over her and shakes her head warning him not to touch her.

"How could you do this to me?" Lily sobs. Rufus sits down a few feet away from her, knowing from experience that she doesn't like to be touched when she is upset.

"Lil…I'm sorry," He says as if that will fix everything. Lily scoffs and pulls out the article sitting on the other side of her.

"A source close to the accused says this socialite has a rather long history of seducing men including his own brother…" Lily voice breaks as she tries to read directly from the article. "…Which calls into question the validity of her story…" She can't read it anymore; the newspaper gets thrown in a random direction. Lily hides her face in her hands, sobbing at the damaging words Page Six has written about her.

Rufus reaches out, resting his hand on her shoulder. Lily moves away from him, he isn't off the hook for hiding this from her.

"Don't touch me. Damn it Rufus, how could you keep this from me?" Rufus realizes how much he has screwed up, but it's too late. Lily has found the article and is furious with him for hiding it from her.

"I…I was trying to protect you…" Lily cuts him off,

"No, you wanted to make another decision for me because you think I'm too weak to make one for myself. You did it with giving my statement and seeing Jack!" Lily's voice rises and she starts shaking. Rufus isn't really surprised that she is blaming him for the police station; he knew that she didn't do that for herself.

"And what was I supposed to do Lil? Let you self destruct?"

"You of all people should be there to support me regardless of the choices I make. If you really loved me then you wouldn't force me into doing something just to make yourself feel better."

Rufus understands that Lily is just lashing out at him for concealing the article from her, but for her to say "if you really loved me," hurts. Everything he has done since Friday night has been because he loves her immensely. However, trying to explain himself right now to her wouldn't be pointless. Lily isn't going to listen to anything he has to say until she has calmed down.

"I do support you Lily, but I feel like I should be honest with you about certain things. I didn't think you were ready to see Jack."

"Exactly, _you _didn't think that _I _was ready. That wasn't your decision to make Rufus, it was mine."

"And I let you make it! I stood by you and waited when you came back hysterically crying because you saw Jack. I don't know what else to do here Lil." Lily sniffs and brings her knees up to her chest.

"You don't have to do anything Rufus, just get out." Rufus quirks an eyebrow, leaving Lily alone when she is like this is a terrible idea. Although, he knows that she is too stubborn to be reasoned with. Rufus pushes himself off the floor and turns to face her. Lily glares up at him, tears blackening her cheeks. She is almost challenging him to touch her or say something else so she can snap at him.

"I'll be at the loft if you need me." Rufus is waiting for her to ask him to come back, but she doesn't. Lily watches him leave, having no desire to stop him. She isn't going to excuse what he did, not yet. Maybe when she has some time to herself to process everything, she will be more inclined to forgive him.

**A/N 2: I'm ending it here, I know this is shorter than usual, but I wanted to get something up. From now on, I would expect an update from me every Wednesday or Thursday. If there isn't one, I will let everyone know. What do you guys want to happen next? I am thinking a breakdown of Lily-proportions. Thanks for reading and please leave a review on your way out.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thank you as always, for the comments and ideas that all my readers leave for me. I am actually going to take an idea left for me and run with it, so I hope this is what you guys were asking for. This chapter is especially…um…dark, I would guess and definitely rated M. SO…here we go!**

**Chapter Seven**

She is alone; alone with the thoughts that keep her up at night and cycle through her head all day. Lily has managed to push Rufus away, the only person that has been truly looking out for since this whole ordeal started. There is nobody here for her to calm her down and reassure her that although she has lost her battle with herself today, she can always try again tomorrow.

Lily pulls her head up from her bended knees. Tears have made themselves known by the stains from her mascara on her jeans. She sniffs; one of those terrible sniffs that clogs up your nose, leaving you gasping for breath through your mouth. Lily coughs, the motion sending a ripple of pain through her spine. Lily winces and readjusts on the carpeting, only making herself sob more.

Rufus ends up back in Brooklyn a mere twenty minutes after leaving Lily's. He eases open the loft door, hoping that his kids aren't there so he is able to grovel in peace. Unfortunately, both Dan and Jenny are sitting on the couch, chatting about their day at school.

"Hey dad, what's going on?" Dan asks, noticing the crestfallen look on Rufus' face. His father seems on edge about something and Dan would bet that it has to do with Lily. Rufus hasn't exactly been at the loft much recently, only brief trips with and without Lily to check that his kids are managing fine on their own.

Rufus slumps down on the couch, sandwiched between Dan and Jenny. Jenny offers a cracker with cheese splashed on top to Rufus, who declines. Dan swallows the bite in his mouth before inquiring about Lily.

"So…how's Lily doing with everything? We saw the article," Dan mentions off-handedly. Rufus cringes, that damn article has penetrated all five boroughs of New York City. He wishes that whoever wrote it would have just buried the story for the time being. Although, what Rufus is hoping for is ridiculous, a juicy scandal would mean major profit for the _New York Times. _

"God…you saw that too? Needless to say, Lily isn't handling the article well." Jenny and Dan furrow their eyebrows at their father's comment, wondering why their father is here instead of controlling the fallout with Lily.

"So…you are here by yourself because…?" Dan inquires. Rufus rubs his face in his hands, trying to think of a plausible excuse that pacifies his children without giving too many details about his fight with Lily. He takes full responsibility for hiding the article from her, but Lily needs to understand that he did it to protect her, not because he wanted to keep a secret from her.

"I…uh…thought I was doing the right thing by not showing Lily that stupid article, but she found it…and um…now I'm here." Rufus trails off, editing out the part where Lily told him to leave because it's rather obvious. He can see the disapproval tucked into Dan and Jenny's features and sighs. Rufus doesn't need his children to tell him how much he messed up, he is frighteningly aware.

Back at the penthouse, Lily finally builds up the courage to pick herself up off the floor. She needs to take the medication she has been neglecting for the past twenty four hours; the throbbing in her back is reaching an almost unbearable level. Lily stumbles into the bathroom, touching her fingertips to the inner corner of her eyes, collecting tears. She avoids looking at herself in the mirror while she fumbles around in the medicine cabinet.

The orange bottle jingles with the pills that Lily has yet to take. She unscrews the bottle and drops the capsule onto her hand, swinging around to locate a glass for water. Lily catches a glance of herself in the mirror, shuddering at what she sees. Her eyes are puffy and scarlet as is her nose. Black mascara lines streak down her cheeks. Lily tilts her head to the side, palpating the plum fading into goldenrod bruises marring her skin. Another pair of tears barrel down her cheek, one hitting the top of her shoulder; the other arcing and coming to a stop at the split in her lips.

All of the sudden, Lily senses this overwhelming anger wash over her. She doesn't look or feel like herself and it's not fair. Lily couldn't imagine what she did to deserve Jack raping her, but she wish she knew. Rage slices through her, making Lily yank the mirror off of the wall and whip the mirror in the bathtub; watching the glass splinter off into several different directions. She jumps at the sound it makes and backs away from the bath, wondering why she just did that. Lily quickly swallows double the dosage of her pain medication, washing it down with some water.

She doesn't want to stay here, in the penthouse, by herself. Although, with that hurtful article being published, Lily isn't sure if it's safe to leave the apartment complex. She doesn't know what she would do if she were to stay here, feeling suffocated by her own thoughts. Lily needs to leave, even if she doesn't have a destination in mind. She quickly slips on some black flats and heads downstairs. Lily spots the Jack Daniels she was drinking earlier still idling on the counter. She swipes it, not caring that she drank herself into a stupor earlier. Lily runs some water over her face in an attempt to eliminate all traces of her tears. She takes the elevator down to the lobby, bypassing Vanya on her way out.

Serena ends up leaving Blair's earlier than she intended. She was trying to gossip with her best friend about how her and Dan are doing post-breakup, but she couldn't focus. Her mind kept drifting to Lily, pondering how her mother is coping with the release of that damaging article. Finally, after about the fifth time Blair called her name to recapture her attention, Serena told her friend that she needed to be at home. Blair understood of course, her best friend read the article too.

"Mom, Rufus, I'm home," Serena calls out in the living room. The blonde furrows her eyebrows and runs upstairs, thinking that her mother went to lie down again. The master bedroom is empty, but the room itself is a mess. Serena walks over to the other side of the bed, seeing the torn-up article scattered on the carpeting. She goes into the bathroom, on the off-chance that Lily is hiding in there.

"Mom…?" Serena asks and pushes open the bathroom door. Her mouth flies open when Serena discovers the fragmented ruins of the mirror in the bathtub. Serena reaches for her phone in her purse, frantically dialing Rufus.

Rufus is sipping on a beer while playing catch-up with his kids. His phone that is sitting in his pocket rings, causing Rufus to contort his body in an effort to dig it out of his pants.

"Serena, hi…" Rufus is nervous, he doesn't want to hear Lily's daughter yelling at him for what he did to her mother.

"Is my mother with you?" That question makes Rufus still for the briefest moment until he rockets to his feet and starts searching for his coat.

"No, when I left the penthouse she was still there, why?" Serena runs downstairs to grab her coat while balancing the phone on her shoulder.

"I just got home a couple minutes ago and she is gone." _Oh God…_Rufus thinks to himself and opens the loft door, waving to his kids over his shoulder.

"What do you mean she's gone? Have you tried to call her?" Rufus doubts that Lily has her cell phone on and with her, but it's worth a shot.

"Her phone is turned off…Rufus…she broke the bathroom mirror…" Serena can hear a loud, disheartening sigh on the other end of the phone. They both don't need to relay the implications of Lily walking around in the rain to each other.

"Okay…shit…I will be there as soon as possible. Serena, just start looking for her. Ask Vanya if he has seen her." Rufus hails a taxi, telling the driver to drive to Manhattan as fast as possible.

Lily is making her way towards Fifth Avenue just as the rain starts hitting the sidewalks. She narrowly avoided an encounter with the paparazzi, but luckily, Vanya was able to fight them off. Lily slipped past them, keeping her head down. She twirls off the cap off of Jack Daniels, touching the rim to her lips. She is ecstatic that she doesn't really feel anything, just the warmth the alcohol provides. There is just enough left for a few more sips, Lily has to ration the bottle wisely. She doesn't meet the eyes of anyone strolling past; Lily doesn't want to be recognized by anyone when she is trying in vain to keep herself from unraveling.

Rufus has several blocks to go before he reaches Manhattan. He shudders at the intensity of the rain; Lily is most likely walking around alone, without an umbrella or jacket. He has to find her and apologize so they can get her the help she so desperately needs.

Serena is speed-walking through the sidewalks in her neighborhood, looking for any blonde woman that resembles her mother. A camera got in her way, the man behind it yelling questions about Lily in her direction. Serena angrily replied no comment and forced her way through them. She doesn't have time to offer a motivating sound-bite to the press right now; the need to locate her mother overrules that.

Lily swallows the last of the whiskey and tosses it over her shoulder, not even flinching at the sound it makes when it shatters on the concrete. She glances up for the briefest moment, trying to get a sense of where she is. The heavy sheath of rain is obstructing her view for the most part, but Lily is able to make out the faintest letter on the sign above her. She tucks her matted hair behind her ear and keeps on walking.

Serena pops open her umbrella and ducks under an awning to see if she can get a better vantage point. She doesn't know how much of a lead Lily had on her, or her mother's anticipated destination.

Rufus spots a woman that resembles Lily remarkably a couple blocks down Fifth Avenue. He orders the taxi to pull over, not caring that they are in the middle lane. The driver is adamant that he will drive further up the street and then turn around, but Rufus isn't having it. Now that he is sure that the blonde he saw is Lily, he would like to exit the cab.

"Lily!" Rufus calls as he closes the door to the cab. It's now pouring, the droplets coming down like little pellets. Lily hears Rufus' voice from across the street and is gravitated towards it. For a moment, she is able to forget about him hiding the article from her. He is her safety net and security blanket no matter what happens between them. The taxi speeds away, leaving Rufus and Lily staring at each other on opposite ends of the street.

Without any warning, Lily steps off the sidewalk in an attempt to cross the street. A taxi is barreling down the road in the lane closest to where Lily is standing. Lily turns and screams, closing her eyes, ready to absorb the impact of the taxi crashing into her. From the sidewalk, Rufus watches in horror as the taxi nearly collides with his girlfriend. Lily knows better than to rush out onto a street in New York City. Taxis will not stop unless they have a legitimate reason to. Fortunately, the cab driver's reactions are swift, slamming on his brakes and only bumping into Lily at a much slower speed.

Lily pops open one eye, wondering why she isn't lying on the road, her legs twisted into pretzel-like folds. She sobers up immediately, realizing how horrifying her actions have been over the past hour. The reality that she could have killed herself by walking in front of traffic is now sinking in. This time, Lily waits for a red light before she zooms across the street, meeting Rufus on the other side.

"Oh…Lil, you scared me, come on, let's get you home." Rufus wraps an arm around Lily, who is now trembling. The rain has soaked through her clothes and the potent smell of alcohol is wafting off of her, again.

Lily nods, her tears combining with the rain. She is freezing, the few sips of alcohol she had have worn off. Rufus hails a cab for them, taking them back to the penthouse. He shifts in his seat, cupping her cheek and kissing her temple.

"You okay?" Rufus asks, referring to her near brush with death and not everything that caused it. Lily bites her lip, leaning into him without giving an answer. Rufus dials Serena while coiling his arm around Lily.

"Hey Rufus, I can't find my mom anywhere," Serena says worriedly. Lily hears her daughter's voice and puts her hand over her forehead. She didn't think her children would ever find about this.

"I got her Serena; we will meet you back at the penthouse." Rufus hangs up the phone and turns his attention back to Lily. She looks shaken up, which is to be expected given what just happened. The anger has dissipated from her face, replaced with shock and embarrassment. Rufus doesn't understand what Lily was doing out there by herself and it seems like she really doesn't know either.

The taxi ride back to the apartment is short, which surprises Lily. She thought she was outside a lot longer given how soaked her clothing and hair is. From outside the taxi, Rufus and Lily can hear shouting accompanied by the sound of camera flashes. Lily tucks her head in Rufus' jacket, not wanting to have her picture taken in her current state. Rufus motions for Vanya to come and rescue them, hoping that the doorman understands that Lily doesn't want to be photographed. Vanya receives the message and pushes his way through, opening the cab door for them.

Rufus gets out first, ignoring all the camera clicks and questions that are thrown in his direction. He holds his hand out for Lily, seeing the hesitation seep into the worry lines of her face. Of course Rufus sympathizes with her, knowing that she didn't ask for this kind of attention. Nevertheless, they can't stay hidden in this taxi forever.

"Come on honey," Rufus coaxes, a reassuring smile slipping onto his lips. Lily clutches his hand, pulling herself up and out of the cab.

_"Mrs. Bass…over here!" "Come on Lily; give us a small smile for the cameras!""Anything you want to say about the accusation that you seduced him?" "Can you comment on Jack Bass' release from jail tomorrow?" _

Lily hears that question and stops moving, turning her head to try and locate the voice. Rufus stops with her, rubbing her back and gently nudging her towards the door. Lily glances up at Rufus, opening her mouth and then shutting it right away. She pivots on her heels, following Vanya into the building with Rufus trailing closely behind her.

"It didn't say anything in that article about Jack being released from jail!" Lily exclaims once they are inside and away from the press. Rufus is quite confident that whoever said that was making it up, there is no way the NYPD would release Jack on bail…right? He reminds himself to contact the police department again just to confirm.

"Lil, it's okay, you know how those people are; they were just trying to get a reaction out of you." Rufus has never had to deal with a media circus of this proportion until he started dating Lily. It sounds naïve now, but Rufus didn't think Lily's rape would attract this much attention, but it makes sense because of who she is and the fact that Jack is related to both her and Bart.

Lily shakes it off, the need to change into warmer clothes overrides her mild concern about what is sure to be a fabricated story. She lets Rufus grasp onto her hand, tugging on it to lead her to the elevators. Her eyes avert his concerned gaze; she realizes how badly her little stroll through Manhattan during a thunderstorm looks to Rufus. She is curious as to what he is going to say when he discovers the broken mirror in her bathroom.

They step off the elevator, meeting Serena in the living room. Relief sweeps over the teenager's face, thrilled that Lily made it back to the penthouse in one piece.

"Hey mom, you are all wet," Serena comments with a tiny giggle, trying to play off the seriousness of the situation.

"I'm going to go get changed," Lily brushes her hand against Serena's arm as she is walking by. Serena furrows her eyebrows and Rufus shrugs, letting the teenager know that he will talk to Lily.

Lily walks into her room, glancing around at the tattered remains of the newspaper she tore up earlier. She deeply swallows, blushing at the leftovers from her outburst. Rufus rests his hand on her back, communicating to her that he isn't ashamed of what she did.

"Do you want to take a shower? It might help you warm up," Rufus suggests, not knowing that the tub is filled with shards of glass.

"Um…that might not be possible," Lily mumbles, her cheeks turning a darker shade of crimson. Rufus furrows his eyebrows and Lily snags his hand, bringing him into the bathroom. His eyes widen at the empty space on the wall where the mirror used to be. He can't believe Lily was strong enough to pull the mirror off the wall by herself.

"Lil, where's the mirror?" Lily points to the bathtub, causing Rufus to turn around to look. "Oh…you couldn't have just gently tossed it onto the carpet?"

"I was in a mood," Lily quips and manages a half-smile. Rufus chuckles and exits the bathroom; he doesn't want to waste time digging out glass from the bathtub.

Lily exits the bathroom, searching for the coziest and warmest clothes she can find. She slowly changes into a pair of baby blue fleece pants with a black long sleeve. Rufus assists when she lets him, only needing help with easing the shirt over her head. They sit down on the edge of her bed, another uncomfortable silence rippling through the air.

Rufus is struggling with how to bring up what Lily just did to herself. It's a fine line between empathizing with her and talking to her like she just experienced a mental breakdown. In some ways, she did, but treating her that way won't help the situation. It would only make Lily even more embarrassed and reluctant to open up about how she is feeling.

To his surprise, Lily is the first to start the dialogue, beginning with an apology for snapping at him.

"I'm sorry Rufus…about kicking you out…I…um…shouldn't have done that." Rufus isn't used to this Lily, the apologetic and remorseful one. Although he appreciates her apologizing, it isn't enough. He wants an explanation as to what is going on between them. If she wants him to stick by her side, he will, but she can't keep self-destructing.

"Why did you do it Lily?" Rufus is pushing her for an explanation with this because he honestly doesn't think he handled the situation completely wrong. Sure, he should have come to her with the article sooner rather than have her stumble upon it herself, but he was doing it to protect her. From the looks of things, Rufus should have hid the article better. Lily clears her throat, stealing some tears away from her cheek,

"I was so angry at you for hiding the article from me. I thought I deserved to know what the media was saying about the rape." Lily is right, but Rufus thinks it's a little deeper than that. During their brief argument, Lily accused him of making decisions for her. He has to a certain extent, but if she is holding a grudge against him for that, they need to discuss it.

"I'm sorry that I hid the article from you, that wasn't fair, I know that. I seriously was only thinking of your well-being." Lily tilts her head; the reason behind their fight is a simple one.

It's not totally about Rufus concealing the article and Lily being furious with him for hiding it; their viewpoints on her recovery process are different. She thinks that she is well enough to be making important decisions for herself, by herself, and he doesn't. Rufus is still stuck in that stage where he needs to protect her, which is sweet, but she has moved beyond that. Regardless, Rufus and Lily are two very stubborn people, for their relationship to thrive; they need to find their compromise on this issue.

Rufus bends his finger, placing it under her chin to force her to look at him. A soft smile ignites his lips,

"Sweetheart, I don't think you are weak in the slightest. In fact, I believe quite the opposite; you are the strongest person I know." A tear trickles down Lily's cheek; she finds truth in his words, knowing he wouldn't tell her that to appease her.

"Thank you Rufus, for everything you have done for me, I don't think I could've survived these past few days without you." Rufus loses his boyish grin; they were almost met with the alternative of what Lily is telling him.

"Lil…what the hell happened today?" He isn't asking out of frustration; simply pent-up exasperation. Rufus has been trying so hard to keep Lily together and today proved to him that he has been unsuccessful for the most part.

Lily's eyes shift down to her bedspread, her fingers sparing with the edges of the cloth. She can't express exactly what she was feeling; she just wanted to escape her problems for a while. 

"Um…I don't know…I…just fell apart…" Lily trails off, letting Rufus interpret that comment for himself. She realizes now that self-medicating with alcohol is not helping her self-destructive nature, but every time she wants to shut down, her first instinct is to reach for the bottle.

Rufus' stomach twists at her admission; Lily is a very put-together and in-control person. For her to admit to him that she simply let herself go doesn't sit well with him. He wants prevent Lily from doing something like this to herself again, but the reality is that he can't. Lily is a grown woman that can make her own choices; he is going to have to just let her. Rufus doesn't want to control her or tell her what she can and can't do because she won't listen to him anyway.

"Lil…I know you don't want to and I'm not forcing you to, but do you honestly think that seeing someone is a bad idea?" Rufus was going to wait until she brought up the topic again since she made it abundantly clear that she wasn't open to the idea, but her pilgrimage out during a thunderstorm has changed things. Lily bites on her bottom lip, contemplating the idea more now instead of dismissing it like she did earlier today.

"_If _I do see a therapist and I'm not saying I will, you have to let me do this my way. I am just asking for you to support me no matter what I choose." Rufus sighs, Lily isn't one hundred percent for the idea, but at least she isn't getting angry at him for suggesting it like she did previously.

"Of course I will baby, I do love you, you know." Lily winces, remembering what she said to him in the midst of their disagreement. She timidly reaches out to touch his cheek, her hand still quivering slightly.

"I know…I love you too," She whispers, gliding her thumb over the crow's feet crinkling together when he smiles.

Rufus wants this issue between them to be settled because without doing that, there is no chance in hell that they are going to make it.

"Lil, should we make a deal?" Lily quirks an eyebrow, wondering what Rufus is referring to.

"A deal about what?" She hopes he still isn't pushing the therapy on her; she really wants to think about going before she agrees to.

"Us, I want to find a way for this," he pauses to motion between the two of them, "to work. How about I leave you to make all the decisions as long as you are honest with me and yourself about how you feel about them?"

Lily takes a second to ponder what Rufus is offering, it sounds reasonable to her.

"Okay…I will agree to that on one condition; I want your opinion too. I value your input Rufus; I just don't like it when you make choices without talking to me first. As much as I like it when you do things to protect me, I am not a child. I don't need to be coddled; otherwise I don't think I will ever be able to get better."

Rufus nods, what Lily is proposing sounds fair to him. He drapes an arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer to him so he can brush a kiss to her hair.

Lily wishes that she could explain to Rufus why she doesn't want to see a therapist, but he will simply tell her what she wants to hear. Part of the reason she doesn't want to go is because of what she told Rufus, she has doubts on whether it will actually help, but that's not the whole reason. Mostly, it has to deal with her perception of therapy. She feels like if she consults someone, it means that she is too weak to deal with her problems on her own. Until she overcomes that barrier that she set for herself, then Lily sees therapy as a waste of time.

Rufus sees Lily drift off, wondering what she is thinking about. He doesn't know what their next step is. Ever since Friday night, he hasn't bothered to make plans because Jack Bass disrupted them when he raped Lily and now they simply just live day by day.

"Lil, what are we going to do about dinner? Are you hungry?" Rufus is concerned; Lily was drinking and taking her medication on an empty stomach. Lily shrugs, she hasn't really thought about eating, but she is actually hungry for once.

"Oh…yeah, I can eat…what are we having?" Rufus shrugs, Lily isn't going to like what she has to say.

"Well…I hate to say this Lil, but unless you want three day old Chinese leftovers, you don't have any food in the house." Lily purses her lips; the idea of going out for dinner is frightening to her. Rufus understands her trepidation about being in public with the article fresh in everyone's minds, but she isn't doing it alone, he will be right beside her.

"Um…okay…I guess that means we have to go out."

"We can go wherever you want or we can order in." Lily contemplates Rufus' offer, ordering pizza sounds so tempting, but being afraid to step outside your door is not a way to live. She needs to confront this fear or it's going to eat away at her. Lily usually doesn't care about what other people think of her, as shown by introducing Rufus as her boyfriend at the opera on the heels of Bart's death. However, this is different, people dissecting her relationship with Rufus doesn't matter to her as much as them judging her for what Jack did to her. Lily doesn't need their pity or criticism, she would rather everyone just stay out of her business.

"Um…I guess we can go out…" Lily says, her voice faltering ever-so-slightly. Rufus brightens; it's therapeutic for her to want to venture out into the public, knowing how it could potentially backfire.

"That's great Lil! We don't have to go far, I'm sure we can find something close to the penthouse. Do you want to change?" Rufus is acting a little too over-enthusiastic about going out to dinner, but he thought he lost her today for good. He knows how hard she is trying to achieve some form of normalcy.

"Yeah…I'll go get dressed," Lily leaves Rufus on her bed to rummage through her closet, coming back with another turtleneck, this one being a navy blue. He swallows a comment, it's not necessary to reassure her that nobody will stare at her; they both realize that would be a lie.

He assists her in getting dressed; hopefully this will be one of the last few times Rufus has to do this. Of course he doesn't mind, but he hates seeing Lily in this much pain.

"Should we invite the kids?" Rufus asks, wanting to see if they can bring along Serena and Eric for extra reinforcements. Lily shrugs, she isn't sure if her children are still here or even want to go out to dinner with her and Rufus. Serena probably is wondering about Lily's little adventure out in the rain today, which she really doesn't want to talk about. Lily would rather put that behind her, just like everything that has occurred since Friday night.

"Okay…I'm not sure they would want to come," Lily says with hesitation. Rufus twines their fingers together, bringing Lily downstairs and into the kitchen. Serena is munching on some grapes, chatting with Eric who just got back from his boyfriend's.

"Hey mom, Rufus, where are you going?" Serena asks, noticing Lily reaching for her purse.

"We are going out to dinner; would you like to come with?" Rufus asks, throwing a wink in Lily's direction. The children agree immediately, partly because they want to support their mother and because they are curious as to how this is going to go.

Serena suggests an Italian bistro a block from the penthouse and Eric, Lily and Rufus are indifferent. They are seated and given menus with the promise that a waiter will be with them momentarily. Lily shifts uncomfortably in her seat, recognizing some women in her social circle dining a few tables over. Rufus sees Lily stands her menu up on the table, purposely blocking her face. Serena and Eric turn their shoulder, sneering at the women gossiping about their mother.

"Just say the word honey…" Rufus mumbles, suppressing the urge to show these women his middle finger. He is curious as to why Lily's supposed friends aren't rallying around her side, but rather, talking behind her back and pointing at her like she is some exhibit at the zoo.

"I'm fine," Lily says back, desperately trying to concentrate on the menu rather than the intensity of their stares. She is glad that she chose to wear something that covered all of her abrasions, knowing that it would only give these women more ammunition against her.

The waiter comes by to collect their drink orders and Lily insists that they order their food right away; she wants to vacate this restaurant as soon as possible. She was stupid to think that these women would take the moral high ground on this; her being raped by her former brother-in-law is just the kind of scandal the Upper East Side was longing for.

Their orders are dropped off at the table and then the waiter vanishes after making sure everyone is satisfied with their meals. Lily's ears perk up at the mention of her name and forcibly swallow her bite of lasagna. She glances over at Rufus who hears it too, twisting his head to glare at the women at the other table.

"Don't worry mom, Blair has dirt on every single one of them," Serena says to her mother, a playful grin sweeping across her lips. Lily manages a tiny stretch of her lips and stabs into her next bite of food with a fork.

Their meal gets interrupted about halfway through by the same women who have been making Lily's rape the topic of their latest pow-wow. Lily heavily sighs, hoping that they could have just walked right on by without acknowledging her, but that would have been too boring. Rufus puts a hand on her knee, silently telling her that he will go up to bat for her so she doesn't have to say a word.

"Lily, we were just wondering how you were doing," An older blonde says to her. Lily double blinks, she wasn't expecting honest concern to come out of this woman's mouth; they haven't exactly been cordial to each other in the past.

"Oh…um…I am doing just fine Lucy, thank you," Lily politely mutters, wishing that these women would just go about their way. They don't need to do this right now, especially when their interaction is so meaningless.

"We read in the newspaper about what happened it was so nice of the _Times _to leave your name out of it so other people don't know it was you." A petite brunette Lily recognizes from the Bass board pipes up from behind Lucy.

"Yeah…I'll be sure to send them a thank you note," Lily says, her voice thick with sarcasm. She has some choice words for the newspaper, but none of them are kind. Page Six pried into her private life, something Lily has been guarding fiercely ever since Bart's death. Rufus coughs into his napkin to cover his laughter. Serena and Eric glance at each other, tipping their head down to conceal their grins.

Anne Archibald picks up on Lily's condescending tone and stands up a little taller. Lily nibbles on the inside of her cheek, mentally preparing herself for an icy comment from the elder woman.

"Well Lily…I would be a little more grateful if I were you, Page Six actually saved you the embarrassment of having to explain yourself…" Anne turns on her heels, relishing in the shocked expression on Lily and Rufus' face. She glances back over her shoulder, "Oh, and you might want to pull your turtleneck up a little higher, your bruises are showing." The three women walk past their table without another word. Eric shoves his leg out from under the table, purposely tripping Anne for what she said to Lily. Serena is already on her phone, instructing Blair to leak whatever she has on these women to Gossip Girl.

Lily's cheeks flash a dark scarlet as her eyes become shiny with tears. Rufus rests his hand on her shoulder, realizing that this was the exact thing she was trying to avoid. Lily ducks her head down, covering her face with her hands.

"Lil…" Lily backs up her chair, needing to leave the table to search for a place to hide in.

"I'm okay," Lily whispers, placing her hand on his arm before making a hasty run for the bathroom. Rufus bites his lip and slaps down his credit card on the table,

"When the waiter comes back, get the check," he instructs the kids. He feels horrible for convincing her that going out to dinner was a good idea, but he didn't prepare himself for Lily's supposed friends to turn her rape around, blaming her for the crime instead of defending her.

"Sure, go check on mom," Eric says to Rufus who gets up and goes into the women's bathroom, not caring if there are any other women in there.

When Rufus enters, Lily is standing against the wall, one arm slung over her abdomen, the other covering her mouth. She is sobbing quietly into her hand and attempting to not look at herself in the mirror.

Rufus knows that under any other circumstances Lily would have witty comment to throw back at Anne, showing her and the other women that she is unaffected by their criticism. Right now though, Lily is still reeling from her rape and is too vulnerable to attacks from these miserable society women.

"Sweetheart…" Rufus slips his hand into hers, gliding his thumb over her knuckles. Lily shakes her head, clearing her throat so she is able to talk.

"I'm sorry that I ruined dinner," She whispers, gliding the back of her finger over her cheeks. Rufus steps closer to her, gathering her in a hug.

"You didn't ruin anything Lil," He rests his chin on top of her head, gliding his hand down her spine. Lily dives head first into his chest, her tears absorbing into his shirt. Rufus knows better than anyone how much of an impossible day this has been for her. Lily has spent the majority of today treading water, trying desperately not to drown in misery.

Lily takes a shaky breath in, trying to ebb the flow of tears racing down her cheeks and regulate her breathing. She can't keep having breakdowns in public bathrooms; she has to get a better grip on herself.

"I-I-I…feel so ashamed…" She sobs, clinging to his t-shirt. Rufus cards his hands through her silky blonde tresses; he needs to put a stop to this line of thinking immediately. He grips her shoulders, prying her away from him to capture her full attention.

"Lily, I want you to listen to me okay? What Jack did to you is absolutely one hundred percent, not your fault in any sort of way. Those…_women…_are just disgusting…and have no sense of decency."

"Rufus…I think that…I need, no, I _want_, help…" Lily whispers, glancing up at him to see his reaction. She has been mulling it over all day, but her dissolving into tears at somebody judging her about the rape only cemented her theory. Lily is finally admitting that she can't recover on her own; it has been too much for her. She doesn't want to go to therapy, but the thought of feeling so lost and out of control overrules that.

Rufus' lips stretch into a smile and he presses a kiss to Lily's forehead. He knew that pushing her into going to therapy wasn't going to work; she had to want it on her own. He is sorry that it took something like this for her to admit that she should attend sessions, but at least she is willing to go.

"Okay, we can figure all that out tomorrow. For now, can I take you back home?" Lily wants nothing more to just be home, away from society. She will exact her revenge on Anne Archibald at a later date. Right now, Lily has to focus on fixing herself.

"Please…let's just go," Lily reaches for some paper towels to rub away the mascara she put on earlier. She grimaces at the sight of herself in the mirror, although the blotchy redness and puffy eyes has been a trademark the past few days. Lily has cried more since Friday night than she has in her entire life.

Lily throws some water over her face in an attempt to lessen the damage crying has done to her face. Rufus tugs on her hand, communicating with her that there is no need; she still looks beautiful to him. She frowns and blows her nose, tossing the paper towel in the garbage on her way out.

"You ready Lil?" Rufus walks out first, peering around the restaurant to make sure that nobody else will approach them. Lily ducks behind him, concealing herself from passer-by's. Serena and Eric already have their coats on, having predicted that their mother will want to exit this restaurant after she has returned from the bathroom.

The short walk back to the penthouse is mostly done in silence. Lily keeps scanning the perimeter, hoping like hell that no paparazzi intrude on their evening. She has had enough scrutiny for the day and would just like to be left alone. Vanya fends off a few cameras so they can make a safe entrance into the apartment building. Lily is fidgeting on the elevator ride up, clutching onto the material of Rufus' coat. All she wants to do is go to bed, but unfortunately, she knows that the nightmares will more than likely disrupt her sleep.

"We're home Lil," Rufus whispers, hoping that will at least calm her down a little. She is a bundle of nerves ever since that disastrous encounter at the restaurant. Rufus is well aware that she will not want to leave the penthouse any time soon after the dinner they just experienced. His job is to convince her that eventually there will be something new for the Upper East Side to chew on and they will get bored of her.

Lily lets out a deep breath, she feels safe here, amongst her things. She is grateful that Rufus has agreed to stay another night with her. A part of her believes that even if he didn't, she would be calling him late at night to come back anyway. She needs him here with her, especially today and she's is glad that he picks up on that without any explanation.

"I left something at Blair's, I'll be back later," Serena says and hops in the elevator. Eric goes into his room, leaving Rufus and Lily by themselves.

"Well…we have a couple hours to kill, what do you want to do?" Rufus is assuming that Lily wants to prolong sleeping for the time being, which is understandable.

"I really want to take a shower, but there is glass everywhere," Lily mumbles and glances down at the floor. Rufus uses his finger to bring her chin up, locking eyes with her.

"Lil…we can clean it up, it's not a big deal."

Together, they go upstairs and attempt to remove all of the glass that they can with their hands. Rufus cuts himself on a jagged piece of glass, drawing blood on his hand. Guilt immediately washes over Lily and she snags his hand.

"Rufus, I am so sorry, here," Lily yanks on his bloody hand, bringing him over to the sink so she can wash it.

"Lil…hey…Lily, it's not your fault," He sees a tear slide down her cheek and makes the connection. She was the one who threw the glass that cut his hand; naturally she is remorseful about it.

"I…I'm sorry…I don't know what's wrong with me," Lily admits, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

"You have had a horrible day and I am mostly to blame for it, tomorrow will be better, I promise," Rufus assures her. Lily nods and bandages the injured appendage, turning away from him to collect herself.

"I can't keep having days like this Rufus, I don't know how much more of this I can take." Rufus nods with sympathy,

"I know honey, but hopefully once you start going to therapy, it will help a little." He glances down at his hand, noticing that she has hers wrapped up from an earlier incident as well. "Hey Lil?"

"Hmmm…?" Lily turns back around, curious as to why Rufus is smirking.

"We match," Rufus holds up his hand to show her. Lily laughs just the slightest bit; he always has a way of cheering her up.

"I guess we do…let's just leave the glass for now, I'll take my shower in Serena's bathroom." Lily abandons the project; she thinks that there are several pieces of glass that they fail to see. She really wants to avoid getting shards embedded in her feet.

Lily grabs her pajamas and heads downstairs to her daughter's bedroom. Rufus is wondering whether he should go with her, but she tells him that she wants to see if she can do this on her own. He stays in her bedroom, getting dressed in some pajamas from his bag of clothes he brought.

She lets herself fall apart in the shower. Lily has so many emotions that she doesn't know how to express, that they come out in waves. First she was angry, then sad, and finally hopeless. She realizes that it's a process, but there has to come a point where she is able to feel something other than self-hatred and despair.

Rufus is waiting; he has been so used to being by Lily's side over the course of the past few days that he doesn't know what to do without her. He feels that he should check on her, but he doesn't want to put pressure on her. It's simply her taking a shower by herself, she can handle it, nothing will happen to her.

His cell phone that is resting on the nightstand rings, causing Rufus to rush over to it. He wants to make sure that neither Dan nor Jenny needs something from him. However, Rufus doesn't recognize the number, but he picks up anyway.

"Hello, this is Rufus Humphrey," Rufus says and sits down on Lily's bed, readjusting the pillows.

"Hi this is Officer Jones, please hold for Detective Nolan." Rufus almost forgot that he called the department earlier and left a message for the detective. He was a little rattled by the press' comment about Jack being released and he wanted to follow up with Nolan to confirm that it was just talk.

"This is Detective Nolan," The detective gruff voice sounds exhausted over the phone.

"Hi detective, I don't know if you remember me, but my name is Rufus Humphrey, I was at the precinct with my girlfriend Lily. She was giving a statement about her rape to you." There is a pause, the length of hiccup before Detective Nolan is able to place the couple.

"Oh…right…that's right, what can I do for you Mr. Humphrey?"

"Um…well, this might sound a little weird, but I heard that there was a possibility that Jack Bass was being released tomorrow and I just wanted to hear it from you that this is not going to happen." Hearing nothing on the other end has Rufus extremely anxious. They seriously aren't considering letting Jack go, right?

"There is an arraignment scheduled tomorrow morning where the judge will decide if Mr. Bass gets to post bail or not." Rufus doesn't know what an arraignment is, but it sounds like there is a slight chance that Jack could walk tomorrow.

"How could you let this happen? He raped her!" Rufus exclaims.

"I understand that Mr. Humphrey, but there is a system in place for a reason. Taking into account the fact that this is Mr. Bass' first crime and he has the money to match any bail that the judge sets, he might be able to leave tomorrow."

Rufus can't believe what he is hearing, the police are supposed to be protecting Lily from Jack, not giving him free reign to do whatever he wants until the trial starts. From what it sounds like, Detective Nolan is optimistic that Jack will be able to be released tomorrow after whatever sort of hearing he has.

"So…what does this mean for Lily?" The silence passed between the two men speaks volumes to Rufus.

"Honestly, if Jack Bass is set free, I can no longer guarantee Lily's safety."

**A/N: So, this is where I leave you today. I have a few questions for you guys though; should Jack be released from jail or is it too soon? And, am I letting CeCe but her way into this story or not? Next chapter, Lily goes to therapy which isn't going to go over very well at first. Thanks for reading and please share your thoughts on the way out. Until next time! **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews and advice you guys have bestowed upon me, I always appreciate everyone's opinion. If there were ever a time to admit that I have no idea what I am doing, it's this chapter. I will do my best, but I don't have any experience in this field, so the best I can do is strive for accuracy. So, this chapter is rated M, and I hope you guys like.**

**Chapter Eight**

_"So…what does this mean for Lily?" The silence passed between the two men speaks volumes to Rufus._

_ "Honestly, if Jack Bass is set free, I can no longer guarantee Lily's safety." _

Rufus hangs up the phone without another word, he doesn't need to hear the detective's excuses or justifications for how he allowed Jack Bass' potential release to happen. He knows that it's not a sure thing, but he has seen first-hand how influential the Bass family can be. Jack will have hired the top defense attorney's in the city that will manipulate the system to his advantage. The best Rufus and Lily can hope for is the judge takes into consideration the seriousness of the crime, regardless of who the perpetrator is.

Lily turns off the nozzle to the shower, stepping out onto the teal carpet below. She reaches for a towel, coiling it securely around her body, wincing when the plush makes contact with a particular tender bruise on her breast. She avoids looking at herself in the mirror completely, not needing to see how her abrasions and constant crying have carved away her beauty. The steam from the hot water is creating a nice veil protecting her from the reflective glass.

She desperately attempts to change into her pajamas by herself, but the pain in her back is unrelenting. Lily huffs in aggravation and snatches up the towel again, covering her torso with it until she is safely tucked away in her bedroom.

"Rufus, I thought these stupid pills were supposed to help ease the spasms…" Lily complains as she dramatically stomps into her bedroom. She spins around when she doesn't hear a sympathetic or sarcastic response from him. Rufus is simply staring at the floor, his hand clenching his cell phone in aggravation. "What is it?"

He should tell her, he has to, based on the terms of their agreement that he imposed. However, it would be easier to disclose this new development in her case if she didn't have the horrendous day she had today. In his gut, Rufus realizes that Lily will have a severe reaction to the possibility of Jack being let out on bail. Her already fragile resolve will melt away that much more, casting doubt on her ability to cope. That reality juxtaposes with the fact that God forbid Jack is released tomorrow, it will be splashed all over the news, catching Lily off guard and thwarting their latent escape plan.

"Lil, I need to tell you something, but I don't want you to panic." Lily gives him a doubtful look, based on the seriousness of his expression, she is already anxious.

"Okay…Rufus, what is going on?" One of her biggest pet peeves is being left in the dark. Nevertheless, Lily is glad that he is actually choosing to share whatever it is instead of putting on a nonchalant façade.

"I got a call from Detective Nolan, the cop in charge of your case and there is going to be a hearing tomorrow." Rufus is picking his words very carefully, he wants strike a balance between alleviating and stressing the importance of the information he is relaying to her.

Lily quirks an eyebrow at Rufus' pause, he must have just noticed that she requires his aid for getting dressed because he heaves himself off of the bed. A silence erupts in the room while he eases the peach top over her head and then resumes his original position. Lily moves closer to him, but doesn't approach the bed, wanting to keep a distance between them for the time being.

"Why would there be a hearing? Isn't it too soon for a trial to start?" she muses, although her knowledge about the justice system is limited.

"From what I understood from Nolan is that it's something called an arraignment where the judge is going to decide whether or not Jack can be…released."

"_What?" _Lily snaps, utter disbelief laced with terror lances through her previously semi-relaxed tone. The notion that Jack could be free is deeply unsettling, given the fact that he has made it abundantly clear that he is coming after her for revenge.

Rufus holds his hand up, having predicted this exact response from Lily. He needs to defuse her in order for her to listen to his reasoning.

"Honey…it's not the end of the world, we can manage," Rufus' words are falling on deaf ears, Lily is much too preoccupied with outlining a worst case scenario in her mind.

"No…Rufus…no…why…" Lily senses her knees start to buckle, an overwhelming urge to grip her king sized bed takes a hold of her.

Rufus sees her start to lean and moves off the bed to cup his hands under her arm pits, dragging her onto the comforter before she makes contact with the floor. Lily is mercilessly shaking, her complexion ghost-white. She burrows her face into the depths of his chest. He readjusts to the contours of her tiny frame, banding both arms around her.

Lily bursts into tears, letting her tears run into the soft polyester of Rufus' t-shirt. She senses Rufus' hand rub soothing circles on her back, his lips ghost over her blonde hair.

It's disconcerting to Rufus that Lily had this degree of a physical reaction to the thought of Jack being set free. They aren't even sure if it's happening, but that gives Lily very little solace.

"Lily, listen, okay?" He waits for her sobs to subside even the slightest bit. She needs to calm down before she is able to listen to his reassurances.

"Hmm…?" Lily lifts her head up from the curve of his neck, barely being able to maintain eye contact with him.

"If Jack is released tomorrow, we will take refuge in the Hamptons, I promise. I really don't think it will come to that, but we are prepared just in case." Rufus is leaving a small margin for doubt, only because Lily is so devastated by this news. The truth is that the detective sounded convinced that the judge will let Jack go, but Lily doesn't need to know that.

"He's coming after me Rufus…t-t-that's what he said," Lily says, her words becoming distorted by the cobwebs of her throat. Rufus tucks a matted tendril back behind her ear and then moves his hand to cup her cheek.

"I won't let that happen so don't even worry." Rufus promises her, although he already failed to protect her once. Lily stiffly nods, unsure of whether she believes him.

"Okay…" Skepticism is still alive and well in her voice, but Lily doesn't push the issue. She knows that Rufus will go to great lengths to protect her, he has already proven so. Lily just doesn't want for it to come to that, she would rather still have Jack behind bars for a long time.

"We can call Detective Nolan right after breakfast tomorrow and then make the appropriate plans to leave the city if need be. I don't want you to worry about that though, let's just focus on getting some sleep."

The last thing Lily wants to do after hearing news like this is to make an attempt at falling asleep. Rufus will be adamant that sleep is good for her and Lily will ultimately agree to placate him.

"Rufus…I think I should call a therapist tomorrow…but I don't know who to talk to," Lily whispers, flicking away tears that are cascading down her cheeks. Rufus slides under the covers, coaxing her to join him.

"That nurse that helped you at the hospital said she had someone to recommend. We can talk more in the morning baby, you have fought enough battles today." Lily nervously combs her fingers through her blonde tendrils; Rufus is right, she is ready for this day to be over, there is no need to prolong it.

"Sure…can I…um…kiss you goodnight?" Lily asks while moving slightly to accommodate for her injuires. Rufus furrow his eyebrows, not expecting that question from her. He doesn't object of course, merely because she is the one who is suggesting it.

"Yeah Lil, I would love that." His voice is velvety and his smile is comforting. Lily leans in carefully, gently resting her hand on his cheek while her lips connect with his. Rufus lets her steer this kiss in whatever direction she desires. She is still hesitant to be intimate with him and he is trying to be patient, taking whatever gestures she can give to him.

Lily sees their kiss as a token of her gratitude, not an actual instigation of intimacy. She isn't ready to go there yet, hopefully after talking to her therapist about her reservations, she will be more apt to rebuilding their sex life. Her lips detach from his, she feels more confident about that kiss then the one she gave him before. She doesn't repel away from him, but rather, cuddles up beside him, letting his body wash invade her senses.

Rufus sees her kiss as a tiny victory, but he wishes that she was ready to give him more. He glances down at her, seeing the tiny amount of pride ensconced in her face. It was a hurdle that she was able to jump over without any assistance from anyone.

She draws lazy circles on Rufus' t-shirt while she sees him slip under the surface of sleep. His light snoring permeates the silence of the bedroom. Lily is finding it extremely difficult to fall into a slumber, mostly due to the trying events of today. She closes her eyes, her mind is invaded by the horrific scenarios that could potentially occur if Jack is released tomorrow.

By five in the morning, Lily's nightmares are so vivid that she all but refuses to go back to sleep. Rufus entices her into giving minor details about one of them which involved Jack holding her captive in CeCe's Hamptons house, raping her for a second time while Rufus stands helpless outside. He hates seeing her so shaken up by her nightmares, knowing that they are a product of her own mind.

"It's okay Lil, he's not here," Rufus reassures her.

"He could be…tomorrow…" Lily whispers, her voice sounding hollow. Rufus instinctively tightens his grip on her, drawing Lily closer to his frame. Telling her not to worry about Jack won't do anything, it is weighing on both of them heavily.

"What do we do?" Rufus shrugs, the only thing they can do is wait for the verdict and then react to it in the appropriate manner.

"For now, we go back to sleep. Do you want to take another pill?" Drugging her up isn't always the answer, but if the medication will lessen the onslaught of nightmares, he is all for it.

"No…I think I can manage," Lily is resistant to taking the medication, hating the cotton-mouth she wakes up with that lasts throughout the day. Rufus is doubtful, but he isn't going to force the pills on her. Lily wipes her eyes and resumes her position, her arm slung over his lower torso. He scoffs at her stubbornness and presses a kiss to her temple. The chances of her actually falling asleep are slim, she is going to need sleeping pills until the nightmares dissipate since she is only averaging just under six hours of sleep per night.

The next morning, Lily is woken up by the sound of Rufus' voice talking on the phone. She furrows her eyebrows, wondering who he is chatting with this early. Rufus turns from his position at the end of the bed, seeing Lily start to stir. He waves at her, giving her a gentle smile. Lily rubs the dreams from her eyes and sits up in bed. She is intrigued by Rufus' conversation, not seeming to make the connection about the importance of today quite yet.

"Uh…huh…okay…yes, I understand…thank you for getting in touch with us…I will relay the message…bye." Rufus flips his phone shut, excited beyond belief to convey his news to Lily. "Hey honey, come here."

Lily raises an eyebrow, wondering why he is so bright and cheery. She stretches, grimacing at the spasm that sinks its teeth into her lower back. Rufus detects her pain immediately, moving to sit next to her instead.

"What's going on?" Lily asks. Rufus brushes a kiss to her cheek and moves the covers higher up on their legs.

"Well, I got a call from Detective Nolan and he was just at the arraignment." Lily's stomach drops, already looking around for her suitcase buried deep in her closet.

"And…?"

"Jack's bail was denied, based on the violent nature of his crime. He is remanded into custody for at least another three months." Lily instantly brightens, wrapping her arms around Rufus in a hug.

"Oh Rufus, that's wonderful! I was so afraid that they were going to let him go." Lily glosses over the notion that Jack could be released in three months, they can dwell on that later. Rufus rubs her back, relieved to have some good news for her. Even though Lily still has a lot to work through, she doesn't have to add the fear of Jack coming after her onto her plate for the time being.

"I know me too, I'll make some waffles to celebrate." Lily lets out a tiny laugh, she can never understand Rufus' adoration on the breakfast food. Relief floods her veins, she can't explain how comforted she feels with knowing that Jack is exactly where he belongs.

Rufus grins back at her, glad to that she is taking the time to enjoy this miniscule triumph rather than fixating on the uncertainty of their future. In this moment, they are just an ordinary couple lounging in bed before they tackle the agenda for the day.

"Okay…if you want," Lily is still trying to ease her way into eating regularly. Rufus leaves her in her bedroom, wanting her to come downstairs when she is ready. Lily meets Serena and Eric in the kitchen, actually giving them an authentic smile. She almost laughs at the bewilderment on her children's faces.

"Hey mom, what's going on?" Serena saw her mother hit rock bottom yesterday, it's amazing to see her rebound so well. Lily sits at the table, causing both of her children to sit with her.

"Well…we just got the news that Jack is going to be behind bars for at least three months." Lily's voice is quiet, but strong, not timid or faltering.

"That's great mom!" Serena leans forward to hug her mother, forgetting about the bruises marring her flesh. Lily winces, she has yet to take her medication this morning, her body is still sore. "Sorry, I forgot."

"It's okay my darling," Lily doesn't have that luxury of forgetting about the aftermath of her rape, but she doesn't want to make her daughter feel guilty. Eric rubs her shoulder, not wanting to cause Lily anymore pain.

Rufus, Lily, Serena and Eric are able to enjoy a meal as a pseudo-family, unlike the past few mornings. Serena almost wishes that she caught her mom and Rufus kissing over waffles like her and Dan did last week, at least then she would know her mother is okay. She hates being at school now, thinking that something is going to happen to Lily while she is gone. Serena knows that Eric feels the same way, but their mother wouldn't let them skip school just to look after her.

"Well, we are off to school, I'll probably go over to Blair's after," Serena tells Lily. Eric mentions something about hanging out with Jenny and follows his sister to the elevator.

Once the kids are gone, Lily sets her orange juice down on the table, sighing heavily. Rufus glances up, wondering what is wrong, they were having a wonderfully normal breakfast with her children.

"Lil? What's up?"

"Nothing…I should probably get dressed," Lily deflects, even though she doesn't have anywhere to go today. Rufus reaches out to grab her wrist, regretting the action immediately when she recoils in pain.

"Sorry Lil, I didn't mean to hurt you. Can we talk?" All Rufus has been doing lately is inadvertently causing her pain. Lily reluctantly sits back down, her eyes boring into her knee. She can't tell him what's on her mind, it would just ruin the good morning they have been having. Although, he doesn't seem like he is going to let her leave until she does.

"I…um…I know I said that I would go to a therapist, but…" Rufus involuntarily sucks in a breath, he hopes Lily isn't backing out, she needs this right now. "…I'm scared….I don't know how it's going to go." He realizes that, even if she won't admit it, Lily is terrified of going because she won't have control of the situation. She is a very closed off person and a therapist will want to immerse themselves into her life, Lily will just have to let them.

"It's not going to be an easy thing to do Lil, but I can go into the office with you if you want." Rufus doesn't bother lying to her, there is a high probability that Lily will attend one session and not want to go back. He just has to convince her to stick it out in hopes that it will help her get better.

"Okay…can I go get dressed now?" Lily asks, only half joking. Rufus nods, sending her upstairs to her bedroom. He finishes his waffles in silence, waiting for her to yell that she needs his assistance. Her back is hindering her ability to do simple tasks and Rufus realizes that this bothers Lily to no end. She is fiercely independent and hates when she needs people to do things for her.

Hearing nothing, Rufus concentrates more on how they are going to get Lily to see a therapist that she will actually want to return to. It has to be someone that is at Lily's level, preferably a woman that specializes in the recovery of sexual assault victims. Rufus contacts the hospital that they were at on Friday and asks for Stephanie in the emergency room. He waits patiently on the phone while he is bounced around from one department to the next.

"Hello, this is Stephanie."

"Hi, this is Rufus Humphrey, I'm not sure if you remember me, but I was here with my girlfriend Lily. She was raped and you did an exam on her." Rufus pauses to give the nurse a minute to catch on.

"Oh…sure…what can I do for you?" He doubts that this woman actually remembers them, but he presses on with his point.

"Anyway, you mentioned something to Lily about seeing someone and she was very reluctant at first. Things have changed since then and we were wondering if you still had a name to recommend."

"Of course, her name is Natalie Cormier and she is a psychiatrist. I can give you her number if you want," Stephanie seems more eager to engage Rufus now that he is actually taking her advice.

"Yeah, that would be great." Stephanie gives Rufus the number and they hang up. He swipes the piece of paper he wrote the number on and goes upstairs to change.

Lily is sitting on her bed, clutching the top she wasn't able to put on herself. She isn't crying, but Rufus can tell by now that she is on the verge of tears.

"Hey, do you need help?" He asks gently, without any judgment peppered in his voice. Lily wordlessly nods, handing over the sweater in defeat. Rufus slips it over her head, ghosting his hand over her cheek. "I found someone for us to go see." He doesn't want to limit this therapy to her, he is more than willing to be an active participant if that's allowed.

"Okay…I should probably call her, huh?" Lily sounds incredibly uneasy, which is understandable. Rufus shrugs, he is leaving that decision up to her like he promised. She is more inclined to do what he wants if she feels like it's her decision anyway.

"You don't have to right now if you don't want to. If you want to sit on this for a little while, that's fine too." Lily carefully reveals her "you're wonderful" smile to him, tucking it away as she reaches for the piece of paper clutched in his hand. Hopefully, this therapist will be booked for the next week or so, giving Lily time to contemplate whether she actually wants to attend. Obviously, talking to someone will benefit her in the end, but it's also going to open old wounds that Lily would rather not delve into.

"Hi…um…my name is Lily…" Lily starts off when she hears the receptionist on the other end. She senses Rufus clutch her hand, bringing it over to sit in his lap. Lily glances up at him and then back down in her lap, not wanting to see how much this is tearing her apart. "She's free…tomorrow…? Oh…okay…um…what time?"

Rufus smirks at the shock encroaching in on Lily's voice. He realizes that she was hoping to prolong this therapy idea for as long as possible by calling one of the most sought after psychiatrists in New York. Now, she has no choice but to agree to be seen tomorrow at a time of her choosing.

Lily hangs up the phone and tosses it on the bed beside her. She hesitates on opening her mouth, knowing that Rufus is itching for details. He is being patient, throwing his arm around her and bringing her close when her eyes unexpectedly cloud with tears.

"What is it Lil?" He asks, his voice sympathetic. It's the crying that breaks him. He can take any action or reaction from her sans crying. Rufus hates seeing her cry because he knows that it takes a lot for her to breakdown. They were having a great morning with the news of Jack's bail being denied and now they have regressed. Lily is crying and he is, as always, clueless on how to ebb the flow of her tears.

Her reason behind her crying is all-encompassing. Of course, it's centered on her rape, the focal point of her emotional instability, but it's deeper than that. She can't regain the control that she lost and it's so damn frustrating to her.

"I…I…" hiccup, quiver, sniff, feel…I don't know if…I can…go through…with…the…um…therapy…"

Rufus tightens his hold on her, letting her tears roll down the curve of his neck. He understands that she is at an impasse with herself. If she doesn't go, she will think it's because she is too weak to confront her deepest feelings about what happened to her. If she does go, then she feels like she can't handle her own mind, which in turn, makes her weak by her own definition. Rufus has to remove the stigma about therapy that she placed on herself.

"Lily, going to therapy is nothing to be ashamed of. We can try it tomorrow and if you don't want to go back or if you want to find someone else, then that's fine." Rufus feels her nodding against him and she pulls away, wiping her eyes free of tears.

"Okay…one session, I can agree to that."

Rufus is glad that they have reached an agreement on this therapy conundrum. Lily is agreeing to attend one session, which is enough for now. She won't be healed or even come close to it, but even her going is a herculean step.

Lily eases herself off of him, her chocolate eyes exploring his best features. Curiosity ripples through her, causing her head to tilt. She senses that he is insistent on her going to therapy for a not-so benign reason and she wants to know what it is.

"Rufus? Why are you adamant about me going to see someone?" All she hears from him in response is a drawn out sigh. He has been anticipating this exact question and regrets pushing this issue so far with her.

"Because I love you and I'm concerned about you." Lily looks down, unwilling to make eye contact with him. Rufus senses her distress, using the crook of his finger to lift her chin up.

"I'm trying to get better," She whispers, a solitary tear slithers down the curve of her cheek. Rufus rubs her back, he didn't mean for it to sound like her progress has stagnated.

"I know honey, but I don't want you to hurt your hand or wander off in front of traffic with a bottle of gin again, it's not healthy." Lily bites her lip and double blinks. She had an inclination that he thought she damaged her hand on purpose. Although Lily can't explain away her alcohol fueled adventure in the rain, the glass accidentally caused the abrasions on her hand, not her.

"I was _not _trying to kill myself," Lily insists, her voice morphing into a venomous tone. Rufus stills, certainly that couldn't be what he was implying, right? Nevertheless, he clearly offended Lily without even meaning to.

"I'm sorry Lil, that didn't come out right. What I'm trying to say is that a therapist can help you in ways that I can't, if you let them." Lily merely nods, she needs a break from this conversation before she dissolves into tears again. Luckily, Rufus catches on and suggests watching a movie, to which she readily agrees to. He cuddles up to her, brushing a kiss to the top of her head. Lily tenses underneath him, an automatic reflex response when anyone touches her without preamble.

Their day is spent mostly cooped up inside of the penthouse. Lily is too afraid to venture outside because of the dwindling paparazzi that are still camped around the apartment complex. Rufus doesn't mind staying in with her, but this can only be a temporary thing. He is working to get her more comfortable with leaving the safety of her apartment.

"Hey Lil, what do you say we go out for ice cream after dinner?" Rufus suggests as he is stirring the crock pot. He is making his famous chili for her and presumably the kids since she has mostly regained her appetite back.

"Um…sure…I could try…" Lily hates how scared she is of rejoining the outside world. She had such a negative experience at dinner with Anne Archibald and the other society women, but is willing to make an effort for Rufus. He flashes her an adorable grin and goes back to cooking his chili.

After dinner, Rufus and Lily slide their coats on and walk a few blocks to an ice cream shop. Rufus steers Lily clear of the cameras with Vanya's assistance. They enjoy their ice cream, without the kids, keeping their chatter light and avoiding the topic of Lily's rape completely. She even giggles when Rufus manages to get ice cream all over his face. Rufus laughs along with her, wiping away the ice cream with the back of his hand.

That night, Lily takes a pain pill before she goes to bed, realizing that with the thought of therapy tomorrow looming over her, sleep will be hard to come by. Rufus is sympathetic of course, offering to help her undress and redress even though the aching has subsided a fraction.

They climb into bed together, each on their respective sides. Rufus falls asleep first, as usual, keeping a firm grip on her. Lily is inching closer to unconsciousness, forcing herself to relax and let the pill do its job. She lifts her head up, her eyes sweeping over Rufus' salient face. Her lips stretch into a smile and she lays her head down on his shoulder, clamping down on her lip when her back spasms.

Surprisingly, Lily slept through most of the night, but the nightmares started early in the morning. Rufus eased her awake, letting her cry it out until she was ready to elaborate on the details. They both are hoping that this won't be a part of their sleep schedule forever.

Lily barely touches her breakfast, her stomach is twisted in knots. She nibbles on her toast to pacify her kids and Rufus who is tracking her every movement.

"Everything okay mom?" Serena asks, wondering why her mother seems to be edgy this morning. The teenager has seen improvement in Lily since she first saw her Friday evening, but her mother has backtracked. The vacant stare and one-word answers have returned.

"Yeah. Fine." Lily responds and takes a long swig of her orange juice. Serena glances at Rufus, hoping that he will provide an explanation for Lily's odd behavior. He merely reaches over to rest his hand on Lily's thigh, not wanting to tell her children something that she doesn't want them to know. Serena and Eric trade worried expressions, thinking that there is a new development with their mother.

"Okay…what are you going to do today?" Serena tries again, hoping that her mother will at least answer that question. Lily shrugs and winces, readjusting in her chair after a spasm rolls through her spine. Rufus migrates his hand from her leg to the small of her back, rubbing it briefly. Both Serena and Eric are hesitant to ask any more questions, noticing their mother isn't up to talking.

"See you after school then," Eric says and moves to hug Lily goodbye. Serena does the same and trails behind her brother, stepping on the elevator alongside them. "That was weird."

"Absolutely, I wonder what's up with mom this morning."

Lily pushes away her plate after her children leave, no longer needing to pretend to eat for them. Rufus traps the words in his mouth, he isn't going to push her this morning. She leaves the table without saying anything, heading upstairs to see if she can finally change by herself.

Rufus cleans up breakfast downstairs and rubs his face in his hands. He is preoccupied with the notion that she is going to back out of her session today. Lily has agreed to attend, but by the way she is acting this morning, she despises the thought of going. Rufus just hopes that the psychiatrist that they are going to see will let him be a part of Lily's session.

"Rufus! I need your help!" Lily calls from the bedroom, anger encroaching in her voice. Rufus inadvertently grimaces at the harshness of her tone and dashes upstairs to assuage her discomfort over getting dressed. For whatever reason, her pain has increased today, which just adds to her already irritated mood. He gently splashes both hands on her cheeks, catching her off guard. Lily backs away from him, not needing a pep talk right now, it won't do her any good.

"Lil, it's going to be fine, just relax," Rufus presses a kiss to her forehead and releases his hold on her, seeing her scurry into the bathroom. He rifles through his duffle bag until he comes up with a suitable outfit for the onslaught of chilly weather rolling into New York.

The cab ride over to the psychiatrist's office is devastatingly silent. Lily has banded their fingers tightly together, situating herself on the opposite side of Rufus so he doesn't feel her trembling against him. She can't shake this overwhelming sense of shame that sits on her shoulders. Every fiber of her being is screaming at her that therapy is a terrible idea, but she promised Rufus that she would sit through at least one session and she intends on keeping her promise.

When they arrive at the office, Lily is surprised by the ultra-modern décor adorning the space. She expected a more rustic-looking atmosphere, but is still impressed by what she sees. The receptionist checks them in and hands Lily some intake forms to fill out while her and Rufus wait.

Rufus watches Lily scribble in some general information about herself, grumbling when she gets to the part about insurance coverage. He laughs beside himself and offers to hold her water while she digs through her purse for her wallet.

"This is ridiculous, why do they need to know all this stuff about me?" Lily complains and flips through all the pages she has yet to fill out. Rufus drapes his arm around her shoulder, accidentally grazing over her wound. She eventually completes all the highlighted areas on the forms and hands it back to the receptionist.

"Lily Bass," Lily turns, looking over Rufus' shoulder to see who is yelling her name. Rufus stands up first, holding his hand out for her, knowing the routine by now. It's easier on her back if he assists her to her feet instead of her attempting to do it by herself.

From the threshold of the waiting room door, Natalie Cormier analyzes Rufus and Lily's interactions with one another. She has already skimmed over Lily's forms, preparing herself for opening up the dialogue with her new patient. Natalie is excited about taking Lily on as a patient, she can tell that this is going to be complex and challenging to break through all the walls Lily has built.

Rufus is surprised by the therapist's appearance, if he didn't know any better, he would think he is staring at Lily's long-lost sister. The woman matches Lily's height, eye and hair color. A slight difference would be that Lily appears to be a few years older than the woman standing in front of them.

"Hi, Lily, I'm Dr. Natalie Cormier," Natalie introduces herself, extending her hand to Lily. Lily is hesitant, knowing that she is about to put her trust into someone she isn't familiar enough with yet.

"Hello, I'm Lily, this is Rufus," Lily briefly shakes Natalie's hand and rests her other on Rufus' shoulder. Rufus exchanges pleasantries with the woman and glances at Lily. They are both curious as to why they are doing this outside of the waiting room instead of going back to Natalie's office.

"I was actually hoping I could just speak with Lily today and then bring you in later, if that's alright," Natalie says for them, knowing that they will eventually ask.

Lily gnaws on her lower lip, debating whether to explain to Natalie that she needs Rufus to be there with her. She hasn't let go of his hand yet because she thought they were doing this together. Rufus squeezes her hand and lets their embrace collapse. Although he disagrees with Natalie's course of action, he isn't going to argue with her, even if Lily wants him to. Lily's eyes widen, turning head, wondering why he backed down so easily.

"I'll be out here Lil if you need me…you will be fine," Rufus gives her a gentle nudge towards Natalie.

Natalie watches the couple fumble through their goodbye to each other. Lily steps towards him, almost seeming like she is going to kiss him, but stops at the last second. Rufus is letting her write the script on this interaction, wanting to see where they are at. Finally, after some dancing around, they settle on Rufus resting his hand on Lily's cheek, flashing a boyish grin before heading back into the waiting room.

Lily trails behind Natalie, peeking her head into all of the offices they are bypassing. At the end of a long hallway, Natalie sharply turns into a doorway, which Lily thinks is her office. The therapist grabs some papers and a notepad from her desk, letting Lily decide where she wants to sit as part of her intake session.

_Interesting, _Natalie thinks to herself, noting the selection Lily chose. Most of her clients automatically sit on the couch, taking on the patient role whereas Lily sits down in the loveseat Natalie usually occupies. The therapist can only assume that Lily is used to being in positions of power and in control.

Natalie doesn't comment or ask Lily to move, she just sits down on the couch with her materials, ready to start probing into her new client's life. Lily seems more focus on the office décor than Natalie, even going so far as to avoid eye contact with her entirely.

"So…Mrs. Bass, why are you here?" Natalie always asks that question even if she the reason is abundantly clear. Lily cringes at the moniker, she is so used to Rufus referring to her as Lil or Lily, not using her surname at all. The only person that called her Mrs. Bass since Bart's death was Detective Nolan and she put a stop to that right away.

"Please, call me Lily, my husband is dead." Natalie notes that on her paper, that raises a question mark in itself. She thought Rufus was Lily's husband and then she glances down at Lily's ring finger which is empty.

"Oh…I'm sorry to hear that, so Rufus is your boyfriend?" Lily's face softens at the mention of Rufus, only to harden when she notices what Natalie is doing.

"Yes, why does that matter?" Lily realizes that she is coming off as a bit harsh, but talking about her relationship status with Rufus is irrelevant.

Natalie glosses over Lily's clipped tone, she is enjoying sparring with her new patient. Lily appears to be a very closed off person, someone that doesn't just trust someone right away. Her relationship with Rufus intrigues Natalie, but they can circle back to that later.

"I'm simply trying to get to know you a little. Is your relationship with Rufus new?" Lily fiddles with the tassels on the pillow while nodding.

"Yes we got together after Bart, my husband died, and before…" Lily trails off, clearing her throat to distract herself. Natalie quirks an eyebrow, wondering why Lily ended her sentence so abruptly. She is trying to get Lily to admit why she came to see her because it obviously wasn't her idea.

"I'm guessing you knew Rufus before you met Bart," Lily snaps her head up to stare at Natalie. The therapist grins, she captured Lily's attention, something that she has been trying to do ever since Lily left Rufus in the waiting room.

"Yes, I have known Rufus for about twenty years now, how did you know?" Lily is intrigued by Natalie, the woman seems perceptive and very in-tune with her patients.

"Just a guess, but we can talk about that later. So, why did you come to see me?" Lily's gaze falls back onto the pillow she was playing with before. Even though the papers have reported her attack, she hasn't actually told anyone outside of Rufus, her children and various professionals that have helped her through the process.

"I was raped…by J-J-Jack B-Bass," Lily whispers, her eyes already starting to fill with tears. She suppresses them for the moment, hating the fact that she is about to break down in front of an unfamiliar person.

Natalie recognizes the familial connection immediately and thinks that Lily's husband dying has nothing to do with the fact that she insisted on being referred to only as Lily. When Dr. Cormier scanned over Lily's files, nothing on paper gave any indication as to why she sought out Natalie's services. The only thing Lily wrote down was she is having trouble sleeping and heightened levels of anxiety. This makes Natalie think that Lily will pick and choose which parts of her she will want to reveal. Lily is fighting for control of this therapy session because she knows that she isn't in charge. It is textbook psychology 101, a woman that is raped loses control and will battle to win it back in all aspects of her life.

"Okay Lily…" Natalie closes her file on her latest patient and throws it on the floor, thinking this will help. Lily flinches at the noise, wondering what the hell she is has gotten herself into with her new therapist. "Whatever you say will not leave this room. In here, I am your mother, your best friend and your significant other all rolled into one. I don't have many morals, but discretion is something that I value greatly. I want to help you because I think you need it, but you have to let me."

Lily is surprised that Natalie is saying almost the same thing Rufus was earlier about therapy easing her pain if she will allow it to. She isn't ready to trust Natalie yet and probably won't be for a while, but there isn't the impulse to run out the door so far.

"Okay," Lily whispers quietly. Natalie bends down to scoop her file off the floor, resuming her cross-legged position with a pen in her hand.

"How are you feeling about your attack now?" Lily purses her lips, she despises that question. That was her one stipulation about going to therapy, the "how are you feeling" question wouldn't come up during her sessions. Nevertheless, Lily has a feeling that she will grow to liking Natalie, so she indulges her for a second.

"Numb…I don't feel anything." That's not entirely true, but it's enough to sum up all the feelings Lily has been experiencing.

"That's totally normal, your emotions are probably all battling for dominance right now. It's entirely okay to not have one specific feeling about your rape." Lily stares blankly at Natalie, not knowing what to say.

For the first time in a while, Natalie is stumped on how to proceed with this session. It seems like Lily won't talk unless she is asked a direct question. The psychiatrist doesn't want to dig into details of Lily's rape just yet because her patient has had one foot out the door since she first entered her office. In time they will, but Natalie needs to find something to decompress Lily for a little.

"Lily, what are you hoping to get out of these sessions with me?" Natalie is wondering what her patient's objectives are, something that is standard with every incoming client.

Lily uncrosses her arms and shifts into a more relaxed position on the couch, needing a second to formulate her response to Natalie's question.

"I don't know…peace of mind, I guess."

"How bad are the nightmares?" Natalie asks, although she doesn't expect an honest answer from Lily at this point in their blossoming relationship.

"They bother me, but they aren't that bad. Rufus says I only wake up a few times a night." _That is the understatement of the century, _Lily thinks to herself, but her guard is still up. She doesn't want to tell Natalie that they prevent her from getting over six hours of sleep each night.

"I can prescribe you some medication."

"I don't want any, I already have something for my back." Natalie tucks her prescription back into her file, she knew a woman like Lily would have that reaction. It's a control issue, Lily doesn't want medications to run her life even if it would assist her.

"Completely understandable, does Rufus stay up with you and help you fall back asleep?"

"Yeah, he's really good about that, he always lets me fall asleep first." Natalie notices how heavily Lily relies and trusts Rufus, which makes her think that he is the reason that they are speaking.

"Was he the one who convinced you to come here?"

"Yes, I…um have been having some trouble…coping…and he suggested that I start going to therapy."

"Can you elaborate on what you mean by 'trouble coping'?" Lily swallows deeply and reaches for the pillow again, something she sees as something to fiddle with while she reveals fragments of herself to Natalie. A rosy hue flourishes on Lily's cheeks as her gaze falls to her knees.

"I took a bottle of whiskey and drank it while strolling around aimlessly in a thunderstorm. And I walked in front of a taxi cab without even thinking." Natalie can see why Rufus became concerned about his girlfriend. Dr. Cormier is willing to bet her medical license that this was very out-of-character behavior for Lily, who seems to be a very well-constructed person who is frightened that people will perceive her in a negative way.

Lily narrows her eyes at her shrink, waiting to be judged for what she did. She isn't proud of her pilgrimage, but it happened. In that moment outside, she wasn't Lily Bass, the woman who was raped by her former brother-in-law; she was simply a woman drinking in the rain.

"Was the whiskey good?" Natalie asks. Lily lifts her head up, a tiny grin blossoming on her lips.

"No, rain water mixed with Jack Daniels is not a good cocktail." The two women laugh, finally leveling the playing field between them. Lily presses her lips together when her back tenses up again. Natalie's smile falters and she returns to her line of questioning, thinking that this method is working out well so far.

"How did you get the wound on your hand? Was that a result of your attack?" The bandage on Lily's hand doesn't mesh with her other injuries. Most of the injuries visible to Natalie on bruises on Lily's wrists and neck.

"Oh…glass, I threw a bottle and I accidentally cut my hand on the shards, but I didn't do it on purpose."

Natalie bites her lip, thinking that Lily unknowingly transitioned them into their next topic of conversation. Lily added the tidbit at the end about not doing it on purpose, reinforcing what she already said without Natalie even having to ask.

In the waiting room, Rufus is anxiously fidgeting with his phone. It's been a half an hour since Lily's session started. Honestly, he was expecting Lily to storm out ten minutes into speaking with Natalie. The fact that she hasn't yet, says to Rufus that she is actually giving this therapy thing a try. Rufus just hopes that he didn't speak to soon, she still has thirty minutes to go, Lily could easily change her mind before then. Plus, even if she lasts one whole session, Lily might decide not to come back, which Rufus can't fight her on as per their agreement.

"Lily, did you notice that you had to tell me twice that you didn't purposely injure your hand?" Lily's eyebrows shoot together, obviously she didn't.

"Oh…I guess I did, why is that relevant?"

"It isn't really, but it interests me, someone obviously thinks that you cut your hand on purpose."

"Rufus kind of hinted that I did."

"Did that upset you?" Lily sighs, she would rather not talk about this since her and Rufus haven't finished that particular conversation yet.

"Can we talk about something else?"

Natalie shrugs, she is letting Lily direct the first session in order to keep her in the room. Lily is deflecting for the time being, something that is going to be a common occurrence for her. Dr. Cormier would be remiss to expect Lily to become completely vulnerable to her right away.

"Do you have any children Lily?" Natalie asks, thinking that kids are always a safe topic with her female patients. The psychiatrist sees warmth flood Lily's features and relaxes. All the tension from before has evaporated.

"Yes, I have a son and a daughter," Lily doesn't mention her and Rufus' now deceased son they recently tracked down, that is a whole different story for another day.

"And how are they dealing with all of this?"

"Um…okay…I t-t-think…" Lily closes her eyes, a tear escapes from her eyelids.

Natalie is sympathetic to Lily's tears, but is glad that she has identified one of her patient's most crippling emotion. _Remorse, _the psychiatrist scrawls on her notepad, underlining and putting a question mark by it. There are many layers surrounding that feeling and Natalie is determined to chisel away at it until there is nothing left. She has to have Lily recognize it and express that guilt for it to subside.

"If you could describe how you are feeling right now in one word, what would you say?" Natalie is breaking one of the cardinal rules of therapy, which is to never ask a leading question. She thinks it is a good tactic to use on Lily because it might the only way to drag an answer out of her.

"Guilt…would probably be the best…" Lily wipes some tears from her eyes, frustrated with herself for revealing more than she wanted to. She hasn't even talked about this with Rufus yet because she hasn't really processed it all as of late.

"About what? What are you willing to tell me Lily?" Lily stifles a sob and makes the sudden decision to immerse herself into this therapy experience, it might help her sleep better at night knowing she has shared her darkest revelations about her attack with someone, even if it isn't Rufus.

"I'm the reason I was raped. I did this to myself."

**A/N 2: So…what are we thinking about this chapter? More therapy? Less therapy? You guys know that I want everyone to share their thoughts with me, so please do! Next chapter, Lily really starts opening up, but it might not be the best thing for her yet. Thanks for dropping by to read and please leave your comments. More soon! **


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I always love to convey my gratitude for all the reviews I have received, I am glad that you guys are willing to venture into uncharted territory with me. As I have previously stated, therapy is not my area of expertise in the slightest, but I am trying my best. Also, so I don't get sued, I borrowed some lines from episode 2x16. Please enjoy the latest installment!**

**Chapter Nine**

_"About what? What are you willing to tell me Lily?" Lily stifles a sob and makes the sudden decision to immerse herself into this therapy experience, it might help her sleep better at night knowing she has shared her darkest revelations about her attack with someone, even if it isn't Rufus._

_ "I'm the reason I was raped. I did this to myself."_

The silence that erupts after Lily's statement is frightening. Natalie is shocked by Lily's revelation and at a loss as for how to proceed. Lily is anxiously tapping her foot against the carpeting, waiting for another question that she will inevitably dodge from Natalie.

"Okay…can you elaborate on that?" Pen in hand, Natalie waits for an answer from undeniably the most intriguing session she has had in a while. Lily flicks some tears away from the curve of her cheek and swallows.

"Um…I don't know…" Lily isn't meaning to be stubborn, but she isn't sure how to explain herself in a way that doesn't sound utterly insane.

Natalie expected this answer, they have been doing this particular dance the whole session. She'd ask Lily a question, her patient would either answer with a half-truth or deflect all together. Then, Natalie will switch topics or steer Lily in a particular direction to keep a fluid conversation going.

"What do you think you meant? Say whatever comes to your mind, it doesn't have to make sense to you." There is a pause, Lily furrows her eyebrow as she tries to piece her sentence together. She is about to disclose information to Natalie that Rufus has yet to be aware of. Something tells Lily that it would be easier and more cathartic to have this conversation with her newfound therapist rather than Rufus. Lily can use whatever is said here as a blueprint for her foreseeable discussion with Rufus later on.

"Well…as I said earlier, my husband died…um…Bart Bass, and Jack had control of the company until…I took that away from him."

_Oh. _Natalie can see why Lily would take the blame for her rape, even though nothing she did was her fault. Lily sees her rape as some sort of karmic balance for hijacking Bass Industries away from Jack. Jack didn't think it was hers to have, so he reestablished control in the only way he could. It doesn't make what Jack did right in any sense, but obviously Lily harbors some culpability for her attack. Natalie has to find a way for her patient to comprehend that what happened to her is absolutely not her fault without insulting her intelligence.

"How did you take control away from Jack?"

"I legally adopted his nephew Charles so I could be interim head of Bass Industries until he turned eighteen." Natalie nods, she still isn't seeing how Lily is making her attack to be her fault, but as long as Lily is willing, they can continue this line of questioning.

"Okay…so you legally adopt Chuck and _you _become the temporary head of your deceased husband's company…Why did you do think that you needed to do that?"

"Jack was going to run the company into the ground because he hated Bart! I had to do something for Chuck so he could preserve his father's company."

"Exactly, you did what you consider to be the right thing for someone who you consider to be your son, without any malicious intentions. Jack was the one who took this adoption personally and decided to attack you. So, what part of this do you see as your fault?"

Lily is starting to become frustrated when she realizes that Natalie is making a valid point. She is losing an argument that she created herself, one that isn't really making any sense.

"I…I should have….seen t-t-the r…rape coming. I knew Jack had a problem with drugs and alcohol…I shouldn't have left Rufus…I…shouldn't have…gone…by myself…"

Natalie reaches and hands the box of Kleenex resting on table over to Lily, providing a much needed reprieve. Lily accepts it appreciatively and busies herself for the next few seconds to blow her nose and dot her tear-stained cheeks.

"Lily you couldn't have predicted that Jack was going to rape you, it's not fair to yourself. I understand that you are trying to rationalize what happened to you because it is human nature to find meaning in everything. However, sometimes you can't and if I could venture a guess, that is the part that frustrates you the most."

Natalie perfectly expresses Lily's feelings into words, it is incredibly bizarre how quickly she is able to dissect her new patient within one session.

"So…how do I absolve myself of this blame that I have?" Lily asks quietly, her voice merely above a whisper. Natalie leans forward, wanting to make sure she heard Lily right before responding.

"Well…Lily, unfortunately, you won't be able to right away, it's going to take some time. We can come back to that a few sessions down the line, if that's alright with you?"

Lily doesn't object, or agree, so Natalie assumes that her suggestion bodes well with Lily. Dr. Cormier knows that women like Lily want everything to happen immediately, but therapy doesn't work like that. Lily is just starting out, it's going to take a while for her mind to be in cohesion with what she is saying.

"When can Rufus come in?" Lily asks, wringing her hands together. Natalie glances down at her wristwatch, their session still has about twenty minutes left. She really wants to hold off bringing in Rufus unless it is absolutely necessary. If Natalie feels that there is no possible way to break through to Lily than she will consider involving Rufus in their sessions for some support.

"I don't think Rufus should be in here just yet, we are still building rapport with each other. I want to get more established with you as my patient before I bring Rufus into our sessions, if that's okay with you."

Lily mulls over walking out of this session, but that would break her contract with Rufus. She promised that she would submerse herself into this therapy experience, even if it makes her feel incredibly uncomfortable. Lily is proud of herself so far, but this session has unexpectedly stalled.

"Before Rufus joins us, is there anything you want to talk to me about that we can address with him later?" Natalie is desperately reaching for new topics of conversation since Lily has reconstructed a wall she thought they had torn down.

Lily tilts her head, her bottom lip rolls into her mouth until her top teeth catch it. She shut down this potential thread of discussion before, but maybe exploring this will assist her in some way.

"Um…I…am convinced that Rufus thinks that I am trying to kill myself."

Natalie had an inclination that they were going to be circling back to this particular conversation. Lily seemed extremely agitated when Natalie asked about the wound on her hand.

"Have you talked to him about it?" Natalie is guessing that the only thing Lily did was snap at Rufus for thinking that of her. Past experiences tell Natalie that women often experience suicidal-like behavior after a sexual assault even if they don't realize it.

"No…well…I kind of snapped at him and then he dropped it."

"You don't think that he let it go all together, though, right?" Lily shakes her head and snatches a Kleenex peeking out of the box.

"Of course not, Rufus is very stubborn. I think he is just waiting for me to bring up this particular issue."

"If you were to open up dialogue with him, what would you say? I'll be Rufus in this scenario."

Lily licks her lip and avoids eye contact with Natalie, thinking this whole idea is stupid. She isn't going to defend herself for something that was a complete accident. The fact that Rufus or even Natalie doesn't believe Lily is infuriating to her.

"I…would say…Rufus…I hurt my hand by accidentally pressing into the glass on the bathroom floor."

Natalie sets her growing file on Lily beside her, she doesn't need it at the moment. She is hoping that Lily will play along for a moment, so they can analyze her patient's destructive actions.

"Okay…this won't work. I like being me better, anyway. Why don't you think Rufus believes you about not intentionally hurting your hand?"

Lily shrugs, she can follow Natalie's train of thought. It won't be long until they digress into talking about her walk in the rain, something Lily is embarrassed about and would rather not talk about with anyone.

"I don't know."

Natalie shoots Lily a disbelieving look, her patient is shutting down, but she is determined not to let that happen. The psychiatrist is pushing the envelope, realizing the ramification will be Lily walking out of her office.

"I am challenging you on that. Walk me through what happened when you went outside during a thunderstorm…please." Natalie grabs her file and notes Lily's defensive body language, pursed lips and arms re-crossed over her chest. However, Lily still remains sitting in the loveseat, contemplating her answer.

"I yanked the mirror off my wall and threw it in the bathtub and then grabbed my whiskey and left."

Natalie quirks an eyebrow at the mention of the broken mirror, Lily didn't say anything about it before.

"Why the mirror?"

"What?" Lily wouldn't think that Natalie would inquire about what she did before she left the penthouse.

"Why did you break a mirror of all things? I'm just curious."

"I got angry, I shouldn't have done it."

"What were you angry about?"

"I…saw my bruises…" Lily mutters.

Natalie nods her head slowly, starting to piece together exactly what Lily's mindset was when she left her penthouse that day. The anger Lily identifies with might be disguised as shame about the aftermath of her rape displayed on her body.

"Alright, so you broke the mirror, took the alcohol and left. Where was Rufus at this point? Did he know where you were?"

"I kicked him out after he hid an article in Page Six about my attack from me." Natalie can only imagine how devastating that was for Lily. They have known each other for a very short amount of time, but Natalie can already tell that public opinion matters very much to her patient. Lily saw Rufus hiding the article as a form of betrayal and lashed out, but at herself, not at him, which is fascinating.

"So, you are angry at Rufus for concealing something from you, why not call him up and bitch at him some more? What were you trying to accomplish by leaving?"

Natalie would be naïve to write this off as Lily doing what she did for attention, that doesn't seem to fit. In fact, Natalie thinks Lily was trying for the exact opposite effect, but something still doesn't click with her.

"I wanted…to get away…I didn't want to be me for a little bit."

Dr. Cormier can sympathize with Lily, it wasn't fair to her that Page Six decided to publicize her rape without her consent. Any woman that just went through a brutal attack needs time to process what happened to them and deserves the option to tell people they want to tell. Sadly, Lily was not given that choice, everyone that subscribes to Page Six is frighteningly aware of what Jack did to her. As well as hurtful speculation that cast doubt on legitimacy of Lily's character.

"I can totally understand that Lily. What was going through your mind when you were outside and drinking? Did you want Rufus to come and find you?"

Lily shrugs, she really couldn't say for sure what her objective was. She knew that Rufus was eventually going to come looking for her regardless of their fight. Plus, at the time, Lily still was furious with him, she really didn't care if he didn't know where she was.

"I didn't want to be at the penthouse, I didn't have a destination in mind or a plan and it was…nice."

"Alright, so you are drinking, why?"

"I was angry and I thought the Jack Daniels would help."

"Help what? Fuel your anger or make it so you didn't have to feel anything?"

Based on the widening of Lily's eyes, Natalie would bet on the latter choice. Lily has stated previously that her most overriding emotion is numbness, it's possible that when anger took over, she didn't know how to react. Although it still doesn't explain why Lily walked in front of a moving vehicle. Natalie is on the cusp of figuring this out, but there is a missing essential detail that escapes her.

"It was weird, I was angry at Rufus, but I was also frustrated with myself."

"Why at yourself? From what I can tell, you didn't do anything wrong. Rufus should have been up front with you about the article."

"I shouldn't have lashed out at Rufus, he was just trying to protect me."

An epiphany ripples across Natalie's mind, but she has to present her thoughts to Lily carefully. The psychiatrist can detect Lily's uneasiness about where this conversation is going. Honestly, Natalie didn't think Lily would go this far with her, but is glad that her patient is finally starting to let her in, even though it's just a little fragment at a time.

"Lily, why are you so willing to forgive Rufus, but not yourself?"

Lily doesn't have an answer for that, she isn't sure why she still blames herself for something that happened to her.

"I…don't know…probably because he's been there for me ever since this whole nightmare started. What he did was worth forgiving because I think he is truly sorry."

Natalie tilts her head, Lily only explained why she excused Rufus of what he did, but has yet to answer that question for herself, so she shifts her approach.

"I think that you know on the surface that what Jack did isn't your fault, but subconsciously, you still don't believe it. I truly believe that you aren't trying to kill yourself or even hurt yourself intentionally, but you are punishing yourself."

Lily can agree with her therapist's assessment to an extent. She has noticed that she is looking at herself in a different way since her rape, which hopefully is a normal reaction. The thing that doesn't sit well with her is the sickening thought of this feeling never going away.

"Okay…so if what you said was true, how do I change it?"

Some part of Lily doesn't want to give Natalie the satisfaction of being right. She is tired of being psychoanalyzed for the day and would really like to be by Rufus, where she feels safe.

"Well…I think you have to forgive yourself, not Jack, for your rape. Blaming yourself for other people's….faults per se…is not healthy. And this is not going to happen right away, so just give it time."

Natalie pauses and looks at her watch again, sad to see that their allotted time is up. She has enjoyed chatting with her new patient, almost to the point where she is considering extending the session. However, Natalie can't do that because she already has another patient waiting for her.

Lily is wondering why her therapist is reaching for her prescription pad when she has already previously mentioned that she didn't want to take anything else besides her pain medication for her back.

Natalie can see the doubt scribbled onto Lily's face. Normally, she wouldn't disobey her patient's wishes, but exceptions can always be made.

"I realize that you don't want to take anything, but I am going to prescribe you some Ambien just in case. You don't have to fill the prescription if you don't want to, but at least you have it there if you need it."

Lily snatches the piece of paper out of Natalie's hands, annoyed that her stance on medication wasn't heard. Natalie glances up at her patient, hoping that she didn't just shoot herself in the foot. She watches Lily's eyes sweep over the prescription and then she shoves it into her purse.

"Can we make another appointment? I would really like to see you again."

All of the sudden, Natalie feels like she is asking someone for another date, the anxiety of them rejecting her makes her stomach pirouette. Lily bounces on her feet, contemplating whether she wants to return to this office where Natalie can continue to pick her apart.

"Um…I'll call your office."

Natalie doesn't even get a word out before Lily sprints out of her office, slamming the door behind her. The therapist wants to chase after her, hoping that she can sway her into coming back for another week. It has to be Lily's choice for this to work. They barely scratched the surface today, it's going to take a long time for Lily and Natalie to process everything from that less than ten minute encounter in that powder room with Jack Bass.

Rufus sees Lily speed-walk through the glass divider between the hallway and the therapy offices. He tosses the magazine he was reading down on the empty chair beside him and clamors to his feet, meeting her in the threshold of the doorway.

"Hey Lil, how did it go?"

He sees the redness of her eyes, nose, and internally crosses his fingers that Lily is considering returning for a follow up session. Lily doesn't say anything, instead, she thrusts the crumpled up prescription in his hand.

"Can we go?" Lily asks, she needs a minute to digest everything that occurred with Natalie. Rufus swallows another question and nods, resting his hand on her back.

Lily gathers up her purse in the chair she previously occupied and follows Rufus out of the waiting room. Rufus collides with Natalie, immediately mumbling an apology.

"I am so sorry. Lily, my receptionist just informed me that my next patient is running late. If you want to lengthen your session for another twenty minutes, we can certainly do that."

Lily is ready to tell Natalie to go screw herself and she isn't ever coming back here. She glances up at Rufus, hoping that he will have advice that can sway her in a direction. He merely squeezes her hand, passing that choice entirely over to her. Rufus would be able to provide a better recommendation if they were able to discuss her session in detail, but they aren't given that option.

"I can wait here if you want to go back there Lil."

Natalie finds Rufus and Lily's physical interactions with each other very intriguing. When she first came to get Lily, the couple struggled with the notion of kissing each other goodbye. Ultimately, they settled on a hand to the cheek. Lily has no problem with gestures that she sees as soothing, as evident by her seeking the comfort of Rufus' hand whenever they are in close proximity. Intimate gestures like kissing require an emotional connection that Lily isn't capable of currently. She wonders how Rufus feels about the loss of intimacy in their relationship. Natalie internally admonishes herself, Lily is her patient; her job is to explore the nuances of this intimacy issue through Lily's perspective, not Rufus'.

"Um...can I come back a different day? I don't…I just need some time."

Lily finds it a tad bit amusing at how dejected Natalie looks. She didn't think Dr. Cormier found their bantering so fascinating. If Lily thought that she could indulge Natalie for another twenty minutes, she would, but she doesn't want to force herself to be here.

"No problem, it was silly of me to ask. If you are feeling overwhelmed then we can resume this at another time. My receptionist can schedule your next appointment. Have a good rest of your day." Natalie gives them a polite smile before she heads down the hallway, presumably to her office.

Lily bites her lip, wondering if she should go and apologize to Natalie. She glances at Rufus who is trying his hardest not to smile. Rufus is extremely curious as to what occurred while Lily was in therapy, but they can talk about it when she is ready.

Lily sets up another appointment with the receptionist against her better judgment. She might end up canceling, but it's worth having just in case she decides she wants to go.

Rufus dusts a kiss to her hair as they are leaving the office. He is proud of her for following through with a session, even though he is aware that she did that mostly for him. Whatever was discussed between Natalie and Lily can be kept between them if that's what Lily wants, or she can tell him as little or as much as she would like.

Lily is silent during the ride back to the penthouse. She would rather not go anywhere else but home at the moment. There is so much to process from her talk with Natalie and she is debating what she wants to let Rufus in on. Obviously, there are things that they need to talk about, but she is scared of losing him again. What if he gets mad at her for divulging her deepest reservations about their relationship?

"Lil…hey…" Rufus captures her attention by resting his hand on her knee. Lily jumps at the tactile sensation, like she always does when she can't see it coming. Rufus instantly backs off, forgetting that she needs to see him touch her before contact is made so she isn't scared.

"Oh…sorry…" Lily mutters. Rufus grins at her and opens the car door, getting out first and then easing her out. He still has the crinkled up prescription in his pocket, he is just waiting to see what she wants to do with it. Lily is upset that Natalie prescribed something without her consent, but Rufus is glad that the therapist saw the need for it. Hopefully the Ambien will lessen the nightmares so Lily can actually get a full night sleep. Eventually, they can ease her off of it, but Lily has to be willing to take it first.

"It's fine, I didn't mean to scare you," Rufus apologizes while they walk inside the lobby. As always, Vanya is there to greet them with a kindhearted smile. They step on the elevator, Lily leaning slightly against him. Her back is aching so much from sitting in Natalie's office that she is considering swallowing a pill as soon as she eats something.

Rufus is the first to step off, keeping their fingers twined together. Lily lets their joined hands collapse and sits on the couch. He follows, hoping that he can coax her into talking. Based on the expression written on her face, it might take a lot of effort on Rufus' part.

"So…Lil, how did it go?" He isn't looking for a detailed explanation, knowing that will come with time. A simple 'fine' or 'good' will give him enough to start with.

"It was…um...okay…she asked a lot of questions," Lily is clueless as to how she actually feels because it was all so much at once. Natalie dug in right away, asking insightful questions and was able to accurately evaluate Lily's answers to give worthwhile feedback.

"Questions about what?"

Lily nibbles on the inside of her cheek, she appreciates that Rufus is caring enough about her to ask about her therapy session, but she has reached her limit today. Some pain medication and a nap sound perfect to Lily right now.

"About me and us, I did the best I could to answer them."

The glazed over look in Lily's eyes indicate to Rufus that he needs to be cautious about how far he inquires about her session with Natalie. He wishes he could have been in the office with her to act as an advocate and confidant in case Natalie crossed the line with Lily.

"Oh…is there anything you want to talk about sweetheart?"

Lily should talk to Rufus about her frustration over him thinking that she is suicidal. They should have a conversation about the lack of intimacy in their relationship because he has a right to know that it's her fault. Instead, she is more focused on dulling her pain, both physical and emotional.

"Not right now, I think I need to lay down for a little."

She stands up and walks over to the counter, popping a pill before she heads upstairs. Rufus notices that Lily doesn't ask if he is joining her or not. He tips his head back into the cushions, sighing heavily. Rufus is trying his hardest to be patient with Lily and give her the space she so desperately needs. He thought her going to therapy would make her more inclined to open up, especially with him. It doesn't even seem like they are in an actual relationship anymore. Rufus dismisses the thought, he is simply being impatient with her. He can't even imagine how difficult it must be for Lily to cope since Friday, it wouldn't be beneficial to either of them if he rushes her into anything.

Rufus debates whether he should do something sweet for Lily, but is at a loss for what that could be. He is guessing that she would rather not leave the apartment, which is totally understandable. Although, they do have to eat eventually, maybe he could make her a romantic dinner since Serena and Eric are busy with other things. Rufus has to tread carefully though, he doesn't want Lily to misconstrue a candlelit dinner as his attempt to strong-arm her into having sex with him. He decides that he will cook her dinner and let Lily choose how to interpret it.

Lily slides under the covers, mulling over her therapy session in her mind. She realizes there is a possibility that Rufus is irritated with her for not talking with him about it first, but she feels overstimulated. After Lily sleeps and is recharged, she will answer his questions in full detail. Then, he can help her make the choice of whether she wants to continue seeing Natalie.

Dr. Cormier wasn't at all what Lily was expecting. The younger woman enjoys her job immensely and doesn't shy away from asking difficult questions. Lily was intimidated by her, which isn't very easy to do. She thinks their personalities mesh well together and Natalie is truly able to help her, but a part of Lily is still hesitant to put her trust in someone she's only known for a day. She doesn't want to get invested in these sessions only to find out that Natalie doesn't actually have her best interest in mind.

Rufus climbs the stairs into the master bedroom, lightly knocking on the door. Lily is slowly drifting into a slumber, but rolls over at the sound of Rufus' fist on the wood.

"Hey Lil, can I come in?" He asks. Lily nods and wipes her eyes, rubbing the sleep away. Rufus doesn't bother kicking off his shoes and sits on the edge of the bed, rather than on the other side.

"What's going on Rufus?" She sits up higher, leaning back into the pillows.

"I was just going to tell you that I am going to the grocery store, I didn't want you to wake up and wonder where I was."

Lily senses some anxiety build in her, she hates being by herself now, even if she is going to be sleeping. However, she has no desire to accompany Rufus to the grocery store.

"Okay, I'll be here when you get back." Her lips stretch across her mouth in what Rufus can tell is a very compulsory smile. He sighs and snags her hand,

"Lil, we don't have to talk about therapy until you are ready, there is no pressure." Rufus means that sincerely, he doesn't want to add any more stress onto her.

"Thank you," Lily mumbles softly and gives him a genuine smile this time. Rufus brushes a kiss to her forehead and stands up, letting their hands naturally fall away from each other as he gets closer to the door.

Lily rolls over after the door closes, pulling the covers up so they are concealing her whole body. Her mind is plaguing her with flashbacks of the attack as well as her recent therapy session. All she wants is a long, blissful sleep, an impossible task for her ever since Friday night. She sighs, readjusts, winces and her eyes flicker open, causing her eyelashes fluttering against the heavy fabric of the comforter. Rufus isn't here to console her, a skill he has unintentionally acquired as a result of her countless breakdowns following her attack. She wishes that her relationship with Rufus isn't just emotional, she misses their physical connection as well. Even if Rufus won't admit it, their lack of intimacy is creating an underlying tension between them because they are both reluctant to talk about their frustration on this issue. Lily will be more apt to discuss this with Rufus after she talks about it with Natalie, which may or may not happen. She is still debating whether it would be in her best interest to return to therapy.

By the time Rufus gets back from grocery store, Lily has still not fallen asleep. Rufus sets the groceries on the counter and heads upstairs to the master bedroom to check on her. Lily has her back to the door and is staring intensely at the pattern on her comforter. She lifts her head up at the sound of the door opening.

"Sorry Lil, I didn't mean to wake you," Rufus apologizes, wondering if he should leave or stay with her to assist her in falling back asleep. Lily rolls over to face him, shrugging her shoulders.

"I would actually have to be asleep for you to wake me up so don't worry about it."

"Oh…do you want me to…" Rufus trails off when Lily nods, understanding what he is trying to say. He flips off his shoes and climbs in beside her, gathering her in his arms.

"I'm sorry I can't do this by myself." Lily mumbles into the curve of his neck. Rufus glances down at her, seeing an overwhelming sense of defeat ripple across Lily's face. He tips his head up, placing his chin on the top of her head, carding his hand through the tendrils of her blonde hair.

"Get some sleep Lil, we can talk about it later," Rufus swallows his recommendation about filling her medication, he thinks she should be the one to suggest it. He has to admit that he doesn't comprehend her resistance to the sleeping pills, especially if they will give her some relief, it's just another thing she is choosing not to share with him. He wishes that he had some insight into her complex mind, it would be a lot easier to assist her if he knew what she is thinking.

After he hears her breathing even out, Rufus extracts himself from the bed. He spins around to make sure his jostling didn't wake Lily up, but she is fast asleep in the fetal position. Rufus quietly closes the door behind him and sneaks down to the kitchen to cook them dinner.

Lily jolts awake about two hours later, another nightmare bombarded her peaceful slumber. She recklessly slings her arm across her body, seeking Rufus' comfort. The other side of the bed is cold, he is gone. Tears bottle up in her eyes, splashing onto her cheeks.

"Rufus!" She calls out, surprised by how garbled her voice sounds. A cacophony of footsteps accompany her cry for help. His arms band around her, creating her sanctuary.

"Honey….relax…" Rufus whispers, tracing his hand down the framework of her spine. Lily quivers against him, trying to regain control over her emotions.

"I-I…can't," Lily sobs, gripping Rufus tighter, creating crescent moons into his t-shirt. He stamps a kiss to her temple and presses his nose into her blonde hair, inhaling the lilac scent trapped in her trapped in her tendrils.

Suddenly, Rufus detaches himself from Lily, opening up the covers so he can slide out of her bed. Lily sniffs and crinkles her eyebrows, wondering why he abruptly distanced himself from her.

"Rufus, where are you going?" Lily asks, her voice thick with tears. He reaches for her, slipping one hand under her bent legs, the other around her back. She grimaces, making him meander his hand a little higher so it isn't resting on her bruises.

"I know how to cheer you up," He says as they walk down the stairs. Lily narrows her eyes at him, hoping that they aren't leaving the penthouse. She is in no condition to be seen by the outside world, especially when she just cried heavily.

Rufus sets her down at the bottom of the stairs, but still has a grip on one of her hands. He leads her to the kitchen where the lights are dimmed and candles are illuminating the room. Rufus peeks at Lily, waiting for some kind of reaction from her about this. She gasps, her lips splitting open at the ambiance he created.

"Rufus…why…" Lily spits out, tripping over her words. Rufus grabs her hands, leading her to an empty chair. An apprehension builds up inside of him, the fact that Lily can't even speak is unsettling.

"I made us some spare ribs and scallops," he blurts out, rather than providing an explanation for this sudden dinner. Rufus pushes her chair in and disappears into the kitchen, not giving her time to express her thoughts about this dinner he put together for them.

Lily's eyes flicker around her make-shift dining room, a smile igniting her lips when she sees the effort Rufus put in to do this for her. She is interested in why he is doing this for her now, he can't think that just because she attended one session of therapy she is miraculously fixed, right? That is certainly not the case, in fact, she might be even more damaged now than she was before. Lily can sense how nervous Rufus is, which she finds cute in a way, he doesn't know how this dinner is going to go either.

"Here Lil," Rufus says, setting a plate overflowing with food in front of her. He is carrying a plate for himself and sits down across from her.

"Thank you my darling," Lily says without thinking. Rufus catches the term of endearment and picks his head up from his food, beaming at her. Little moments of progress happen at the most unsuspecting times, they are very subtle but significant.

"You are very welcome Lil."

An awkward silence invites itself into their dinner. Lily reaches for her wine, surprised that Rufus even poured some for her, he has been very vigilant about her alcohol intake since the incident in the rain. They are struggling as to whether they should discuss her rape, an ever-present topic or ignore it all together and talk about trivial things.

"What do you want to talk about Lil?" Rufus asks, thinking that they should just break through this chasm between them. Lily shrugs, setting her already empty wine glass down on the table. She tracks his eyes, the slight disapproving frown on his lips and sighs. Alcohol has been a crutch, she isn't denying that, but Rufus has no room to judge.

"I…didn't mind talking to Dr. Cormier…Natalie," Lily says with a shrug and pierces her fork into a scallop. She doesn't necessarily want to talk about her experience with therapy, but it might be the only way to fill this space between them. Rufus quirks an eyebrow, he is glad that she is opening up about her session today, only if it's just a tiny bit.

"Oh, well that's good, Natalie seemed like she knew what she was doing."

"Yeah, she did most of the talking, I just answered her questions every now and then." Rufus isn't surprised by this, he knew Natalie would figure out that the best way to get through to Lily is to ask questions because she isn't going to talk on her own.

"Do you want to go back for another session?"

"I don't know, what do you think I should do?" Lily asks and pours herself some more wine. Rufus nibbles on the inside of his cheek, he doesn't want her to be drinking at all, but it's not his place to tell her that.

"I'm not sure honey, that's a decision that you are going to have to make for yourself. You held up your end of the deal by making it through one session, it's up to you whether you want to continue."

Lily purses her lips, Rufus didn't give her the answer she was hoping for. Although he agreed to back off when it came to her decision making, this is the time when she wanted him to have a concise opinion about her attending therapy.

Rufus taps his fingers, creating a rhythm against the wooden table. This wasn't at all how he wanted this dinner to go. They are sitting here in silence, exchanging only miniscule pieces of conversation back and forth. He has to keep reminding himself not to get annoyed with her, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to do so.

"We actually…talked about…um…my hand and um…the mirror…" Lily trails off, taking in a shaky breath. Rufus quirks an eyebrow and sets down his wine glass, reaching across the table to clasp her hand, showing his support. She accepts it appreciatively, meshing their fingers together before she starts speaking again. "Natalie thinks that I have been punishing myself."

"What do you mean?" Rufus asks, his eyebrows furrowed. Lily shoves her trembling free hand in between her legs and takes another sip of wine.

"I blame myself for what happened to me, Rufus."

Rufus nods slowly, comprehending what she is trying to say to him. He had an inclination that she would hold herself accountable for the rape, it's in her personality. A lot of people assume that Lily is a hardened society bitch that only cares about how people perceive her, but that's only true to a certain point. She still holds a lot of responsibility for Eric's suicide attempt as well as all of the times that Serena managed to get herself into trouble. For Lily to blame herself for the rape isn't exactly surprising, but it's also not healthy.

"Lil…it's not your fault, what he did to you, there is no reason for you to be blaming yourself. I'm sorry that I accused you off intentionally trying to hurt yourself, that wasn't fair."

Lily glides her thumb in the arc of his hand, smiling sheepishly. Rufus didn't have to apologize to her, it should technically be the other way around, but she graciously accepts it. She mutters a thank you and slips her hand out of his, bringing her attention back to the dinner he made for them.

Rufus wonders why she feels culpable for what Jack did to her, but they can talk about that later. Lily probably talked to Natalie in depth about it, so Rufus will let it be for now. He is just proud of himself for getting her to talk a little following her therapy session.

After dinner is over, Rufus deposits their dirty dishes into the sink and walks back over to where Lily is sitting.

"Did you enjoy dinner?" Rufus asks, holding his hand out for her. Lily stands up slowly and nods. They are standing mere inches from each other, invading one another's personal space. He is waiting for her to move away, but she remains standing in front of him, biting her bottom lip.

"I…want to kiss you," Lily whispers, hoping he doesn't object. Rufus tucks an irate piece of hair back behind her ear.

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" He questions softly with their bodies touching as his left hand gently caresses her hip.

"Yes," Lily tells him with a nod, moving her hand up to his broad chest, before giving him a small kiss. He smiles against her lips, glad to see that she isn't doing this out of fear or spite, it is because she genuinely wants to. She parts their lips to kiss him deeper, enjoying the sensation she has been depriving herself of because of Jack. Rufus kisses are gentle and affectionate, not rough and demanding, it is one of the things she loves about him.

She moans and his lips instinctively detach from hers, already thinking that he pushed her too far. Lily glances up at him, confusion chasing across her features.

"I'm okay," she assures him, realizing that he is being very careful not to hurt her. Rufus nods, averting her lips to place feather light kisses trailing on her neck, over all of her visible bruises. Lily tilts her head to the side, allowing him to forge a path from her collarbone to her jawbone. She accepts his kiss when his lips arrive on hers.

His hands travel over every slope, peak and valley of her body while his tongue probes hers. Even in the short time since they have reconnected, Lily and Rufus have wasted no time stepping into a cadence they created together when they were teenagers.

Lily is able to allow herself to forget about her attack for the first time since it happened. The only thing she concentrates on is the familiar and welcoming taste of Rufus. She isn't sure how far her mind is letting her take this reestablishment of intimacy, but she determined to chase this euphoria for as long as possible.

Rufus keeps kissing her until he is out of breath, separating only for a moment to regain his bearings. He is extremely hesitant to bring this to her bedroom, she isn't prepared for that yet. Rufus is hoping that Lily realizes her limits so he doesn't have to be the one to ruin this for her.

Her hand trails down his torso, yanking at the hem of his shirt. Rufus reflexively throws his arms up, thinking that she is signaling to him that she wants his shirt off. Instead, her hand disappears into his pants. They lock eyes, both smoldering with desire for each other. He moans while she strokes him, enjoying this sensual side of her that has been tucked away for a while. Lily is ecstatic that he is letting her dominate this encounter, he realizes that she needs this without having to communicate with each other.

When she is finished, Lily slides her hand up to his toned abdomen under his shirt. Rufus grins and Lily throws her arms around his neck, not caring that the bruises on her wrists are now exposed. They both momentarily glance at them, but their gazes fall back on each other.

Rufus attacks her lips with an unrelenting passion. He is so caught up in their carnal union, that he can't prevent himself from making a huge mistake. All of the sudden, Rufus spins them around, blindly kissing her while they walk. Lily follows willingly, but is anxious about him taking control. Everything is going smoothly until Rufus pins her against the wall, unknowingly triggering her.

Lily tenses up, her mind is working in overdrive, flashing back to her attack. Her living room has transformed into the powder room where Jack raped her. She can even hear Jack's voice echoing in her ear rather than Rufus'.

_Run! Lily's brain screams at her, after sensing the heat of Jack's breath hot against her neck. However, the realization that there is nowhere to run is starting to sink in. Jack is standing in front of the only exit out of the power room, she wouldn't be able to unlock the door fast enough to escape. _

_ "What do you think you are doing?" Lily asks, noticing Jack locked the door behind him. _

_ "I was about to ask you the same question." She spins to face him, her makeup no longer being a priority. Jack interrupted her for a reason, his eyes look glazed over and he is slurring his words a bit. _

_ "It's what Bart wanted, I'm sorry." _

_ "So you say, but I'm not sure." _

_ "I'm not scared of you Jack," Lily says confidently, although she is lying to herself. Jack is becoming unhinged, there is no way of telling what he might do to her. "You're high, you're not thinking clearly. You need to think about the repercussions of your actions." _

_ Jack and Lily come face-to-face in the middle of the powder room. She knows better than to approach him, but she is using it as a tactic to maneuver around him so she can leave. He grabs her wrists and shoves her against the wall, keeping her there as he yells into her ear._

_ "You think you can squeeze me out? I worked for this, I earned this!" _

_ Lily squirms against him, crying out for help while Jack clamps a hand over her mouth to suppress her screams. All she can think about is freeing herself from the tight grip he has on her wrists, his fingers pressing directly on her bone._

"Get away from me!" Lily exclaims and slaps Rufus across the face. Rufus immediately recoils, pressing his hand up to the wounded area. He glances up at Lily, wondering what the hell just happened. His girlfriend is staring at him with a haunted look in her eyes, the same one she wears every time he wakes her up from a nightmare. It is in that moment that he realizes that she isn't here with him mentally. Lily is having a vivid flashback of her rape and Rufus has been cast as Jack.

Rufus steps towards her again, reaching to place each of his hands on her shoulder blades. Lily squirms, attempting to break free. All she sees is Jack's face, encroaching on hers.

"Lil, it's me, he's not here…look at me." He doesn't know what to do, he has always been able to calm her down, but nothing is working. She has to snap out of this, there has to be a way to get her to come back.

Lily blinks, everything is returning to normal again. She is in her living room with Rufus, worried pooled in his blue-green eyes. The awareness of her slapping him is crashing into her. Her vision blurs with tears, a hand shoots up to cover her mouth.

"Oh God…Rufus, I am so sorry." Lily whispers and bolts upstairs, ignoring him shouting her name. She can't face him after this, she destroyed any chance of them ever having a successful relationship.

Rufus waits until he hears a door close upstairs before he goes up there to check on Lily. Chasing after her would have been more traumatic then letting her hide for a minute. He attempts to open the door to the master bedroom, but it's locked. He taps on the door, wanting her to open it.

"Honey…it's okay, can you please open the door so we can talk?" Hearing no response, Rufus knocks a little louder. "Lil…I know you are there, can you let me in?" He sighs when Lily doesn't answer him or open the door.

Lily hears Rufus on the other side, but she can't open it, embarrassment and fear are paralyzing her and preventing her from communicating with him. She has never experienced anything like that before, but she feels terrible. Locking herself in her bedroom until she stabilizes seems like the right thing to do.

Rufus races downstairs, he has to come up with some way to either ease her out of her bedroom or convince her to let him in. He spots his cell phone resting on the counter and tilts his head. An idea surfaces, but Lily won't like it. In fact, she might end up resenting him for it. A part of him doesn't care at this point, he can't do this by himself.

"Hi…this is Rufus Humphrey, I need to speak to Natalie Cormier immediately. Yes…yes…I understand that she's busy, but would you please tell her that it's an emergency regarding one of her new patients."

**A/N: Okay…well…I'm going to go hide now. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and it was believable(ish). Where am I taking this? How do you want this to go down? As usual, I want your input and suggestions for next chapter. Thanks for reading guys and please leave a (lengthy) review on your way out filled with all of your wonderful thoughts/concerns/etc. Until next time!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I wouldn't be the person that I am if I didn't say how incredibly grateful I am for every review, positive or negative, that I have received. The feedback on this story has far exceeded my expectations and I couldn't be more excited. This chapter is rated M and as usual, I am admitting that I have no experience, I am just writing for fun. Enjoy!**

**Chapter Ten **

_"Hi…this is Rufus Humphrey, I need to speak to Natalie Cormier immediately. Yes…yes…I understand that she's busy, but would you please tell her that it's an emergency regarding one of her new patients."_

This is not how he wanted his night to go. Rufus should not be on hold with Lily's therapist, waiting for advice on how to handle his out-of-control girlfriend. He is admitting that he is way out of his league here and Lily needs someone with prior experience to come to her aid before he causes anymore damage.

"Hi, this is Natalie Cormier, I was told this was urgent?" Natalie asks. She was just about to call it a night until her receptionist called her office, saying that there is a crisis with one of her patients.

"Dr. Cormier, it is Rufus Humphrey, my girlfriend Lily came to see you today." The psychiatrist is confused, there can't be a good reason as to why Rufus is calling on Lily's behalf.

"Oh…I remember her, what's going on?" Natalie sits down on the edge of the loveseat, the same spot that Lily was occupying a few hours ago.

"Well…she won't come out of her bedroom. I was hoping you could give me some…advice as to what I can do." The psychiatrist rockets out of her chair, snatching up her tote and shoving random files into it while balancing her phone on her shoulder.

"What happened?" Natalie freezes while she waits for Rufus to explain and slings the overflowing tote over her shoulder.

"After dinner…we started…um…kissing and it didn't go so well. Now she won't come out of her room." Rufus blushes as he tries to articulate his failed attempt to reestablish any sort of intimacy with Lily.

"Okay…I will be there…um…where does she live?" Natalie might be overreaching, but based on how anxious Rufus sounds currently, disarming Lily through the phone wouldn't be nearly as effective as doing it in person.

Rufus scratches his temple, letting someone into Lily's home isn't really his decision to make, but all attempts to get her to leave the room have been unsuccessful.

"Lily lives at…500 East 55th Street, it's on the Upper East Side."

"Alright, I will be there in about fifteen minutes, just keep talking to her, see if she will calm down and let you in, but do **not **threaten her," Natalie warns. She would hate for Rufus to become so frustrated that he threatens to leave Lily if she won't leave her room; that could potentially lead to Lily becoming more unhinged.

"Okay…just hurry." Rufus can't stress enough how important it is for Natalie to get to the penthouse as quickly as she can, he doesn't want Lily to be left in self-imposed exile for too long.

"I am already leaving my office, I'll be there soon and remember what I said." Natalie hangs up the phone while she is hailing a taxi, regurgitating Lily's address she acquired from Rufus.

Rufus lets his phone slide down his chin, hearing it hit the carpet. As much as he wants Natalie here to assist Lily, a part of him is terrified. The therapist might blame him for Lily's condition, something he already feels guilty enough about. He isn't going to tell Lily that he asked Natalie to come here, it could simply push her into drinking or even worse, hurting herself.

"Aren't taxi drivers supposed to be experts in the art of defensive driving? Jesus…" Natalie snaps and checks her phone for the thousandth time. She wants to be easily reachable in case Rufus calls back with a new development on Lily. The therapist is attempting to get some background knowledge before she enters the penthouse. What she is looking for is the inciting incident that caused this catastrophic event that ended with Lily barricading herself in her bedroom. If Natalie could venture a guess, it would have something to do with Lily's intimacy issue since Rufus did mention them kissing right before she ran away. There would have to be more to it though, because the therapist has seen the couple kiss before.

Natalie digs in her purse until she locates her file on Lily with a pen attached. Scribbled in her chicken-scratch are words like _remorse_, _shame_, _dependence on alcohol_ and _self-destructive. _She constructs a timeline on what she believed to have happened from when Lily left the office with Rufus to him contacting her.

Lily can't hear Rufus outside of her door anymore, which only causes her to cry more. _He's gone, you finally managed to push him away. Rufus won't ever want to be around you after what you just did to him. _She chokes on a sob and stands up to open the door just a crack. Sure enough, Rufus is no longer lingering outside, waiting for her to get it together so they can talk. Lily closes the door again, no longer needing a visual reminder that Rufus abandoned her. For whatever reason, Lily suddenly remembers that she stashed a bottle of vodka in her closet. She rushes over to her massive walk-in closet, pilfering the alcohol from a high above shelf.

Rufus plops down on the couch, rubbing his eyes with his fingertips. No amount of words can express how much he regrets everything that has transpired tonight. He should have been the voice of reason between the two of them and suggested that they talk about this intimacy problem rather than just act on it. This might have prevented Lily from lapsing into a flashback that ended with her slapping him because she thought he was Jack.

Lily clutches the bottle so hard that her knuckles are turning white. Her body already feels airy from the three glasses of wine she consumed at dinner, much to Rufus' aggravation. She wraps her arms around the unopened bottle and presses her head into the cap. Her body trembles with sobs, she feels so ashamed for hitting Rufus and ruining what could have been their successful attempt at reconnecting physically since the rape. Lily lifts her head up and takes in a shaky breath against her hand. She wants to scream and punch and throw things, but she can't. The only thing she has the strength to do is drink. She wants to be so intoxicated that nothing about the rape has any sort of effect on her.

_I should go check on her, _Rufus thinks to himself, but hesitates. Is that really his place? Lily made it abundantly clear that she wants to be alone, agitating her right now is not a good idea. As much as he wants for Natalie to come, he is terrified of what will happen. Is she going to commit Lily to a psych ward? Can Natalie even help with this situation? How is Lily going to react to Rufus calling Natalie? Best case scenario would be for Lily to leave her room or at least let him in before Natalie arrives. Realistically, Rufus understands that what he wants is not going to happen. The only person at this point who might be able to prevent Lily from having a full scale breakdown is Natalie.

"Yeah…thanks for nothing…jackass," Natalie snaps and slams the cab door. She brushes it off and thanks the doorman who lets her enter smoothly into what she hopes is Lily's apartment complex. The elevator drops her off at the penthouse and Natalie tips her head up, soaking in the modern décor. This is exactly what she predicted Lily's place to look like. The penthouse is very simplistic, but modern. Each piece of art displayed has been selected by Lily for a specific purpose.

Rufus hasn't registered Natalie's presence yet, his head is still cradled in his hands. She sets her tote down on a nearby chair and drapes her coat over the couch. Natalie loudly clears her throat, effectively capturing Rufus' attention.

"Oh…hi Dr. Cormier…sorry, thank you so much for coming." Rufus closes the gap between him and Natalie, giving her a handshake. Natalie smiles and swivels her head around, looking for Lily.

"Hi Rufus, please call me Natalie. Where's Lily? Have you talked to her since we spoke on the phone?" Based on Rufus' sigh, Natalie would guess that Lily completely shut him out.

"She is still in her room, I…don't know what's going on." Natalie notices how distraught Rufus looks and decides not to ask what happened just yet. Lily has locked herself in her room for upwards of twenty minutes, there is no telling how much damage has been done.

"Alright, I am going to go up there and assess where she is at. I think you should stay here for the time being, I don't want for her to become more distressed."

Rufus opens his mouth to protest Natalie's course of action, but then he realizes that the therapist is right. Lily is undoubtedly embarrassed by what happened and won't want to see him until she has calmed down.

"I can you show you to her room." Natalie follows Rufus upstairs to the threshold of Lily's bedroom. He is silent while Natalie knocks on the door, waiting for his cue to go back downstairs.

"Lily? It's Natalie…I was wondering if I could come in." The psychiatrist has to admit that she has never done anything like this before. She made an exception for Lily because Rufus sounded so frantic on the phone.

Lily hears Natalie's voice and she takes another long swig of her vodka. Due to her inebriated state, Lily thinks that she is hearing things and ignores it. Her psychiatrist wouldn't show up at the penthouse to help her, nobody wants to help her, not even Rufus.

Rufus and Natalie wait patiently for any sort of indication that Lily heard the psychiatrist's voice. Natalie can tell that Rufus wants to say something, but she presses her finger to her lips. She knocks again, louder this time.

"Lily, I'm not going anywhere so you should let me in." Natalie tries a more direct approach this time, wanting to see which one will work better.

The notion that Rufus called her therapist without her consent is heartbreaking to Lily. Regardless, Natalie is here and isn't going to leave until Lily opens the door. So, Lily snatches up her bottle of vodka and stumbles to her feet, tripping over herself. She struggles with unlocking the door, but finally manages to yank the door open.

Natalie is standing in front of her, looking concerned. Lily ignores her for a second, looking around on the off chance that Rufus has come back.

"Can I come in?" Natalie recognizes the trademark features of someone that has cried heavily on Lily. She also notes the bottle gripped in Lily's hand. Natalie can't say she is surprised, her patient has already discussed her tendency to lean on alcohol during their session.

Lily shrugs and waves her hand exaggeratedly in the air. Natalie can smell the alcohol wafting off her patient's breath and enters the bedroom. She awkwardly rocks on her feet, waiting for Lily to tell her where to sit. Natalie jumps at the sound of Lily slamming her door.

"Let me guess, Rufus called you here because I am just soooo out of control, right?" Lily slurs her words and laughs as she takes another sip of her vodka. Natalie quirks an eyebrow at her patient's attitude, Lily is obviously intoxicated and sarcastic, a bitter edge cutting into her words.

"He was worried about you and he thought that I could help you." A sardonic chuckle escapes Lily's lips and she shakes her head.

"Help me? I'm fine, there's no need for you to be here." Natalie watches Lily take another drink and nibbles on the inside of her cheek. The Lily she saw this afternoon is the total opposite of who she is seeing now. Her patient was withdrawn and timid a few hours ago, but now that alcohol has permeated her system, Lily is blunt and cruel, willing to say anything to push everyone away. Natalie has to find a way to break through to Lily and show her that she is on her side.

"Oh…well then we can just talk. Are you willing to share? It's been a long day." The last thing Natalie wants to do is attempt to pry the vodka out of Lily's hands, which would cause her patient to become more unhinged. It would be better if Lily were to voluntarily hand over the alcohol, so the choice to stop drinking would be hers and not forced upon her.

"This is mine. Rufus doesn't like me drinking, but he's not here so it's going to be our little secret." Lily lowers her voice to a whisper and takes another swig. Natalie slowly nods, grasping the idea that Lily actually believes Rufus abandoned her. She decides to let her patient think that for the time being to see if she can work this to her advantage.

"Why are you drinking?" Lily huffs and rolls her eyes at Natalie's question.

"I was raped and Rufus left me so I thought I deserve a drink or two…or seven." Natalie slips off her coat and sits on the floor, her back up against Lily's bed. Lily crinkles her eyebrows and is confused as to why her therapist is making herself comfortable in her bedroom.

"Why did Rufus leave you?" Natalie continues with her standard line of questioning that worked for their session a few hours earlier. She cringes when she sees her patient drink from the bottle for a third time since she got here.

Lily wipes the excess alcohol off her lips with the back of her hand. She doesn't know why Natalie is asking a question she already knows the answer to. Rufus wouldn't have called her here without any explanation.

"Oh…I'm sure Rufus told you that I went a little crazy." Natalie tilts her head, trying to analyze Lily's comment for clues as to exactly what she means by crazy. Rufus didn't tell her anything over the phone besides the kissing, so Natalie truthfully has no idea why she is here. Maybe it would have been better to ask Rufus first in depth about what happened instead of trying to drag it out of a drunk Lily.

"Rufus didn't tell me anything, but I would rather hear it from you anyway. Come sit," Natalie gives Lily a cheeky grin and pats the spot on the floor next to her. She watches Lily debate whether to put trust in her. Ultimately, Lily eases herself to the floor, her fingers still tightly coiled around the neck of her vodka. She doesn't situate herself next to Natalie, but rather, a few feet away, wanting to maintain a respectable distance away from her therapist.

A tear rolls down Lily's cheek before she can even open her mouth. Natalie remains silent, giving her patient a minute to formulate her answer. She hopes that Rufus can hold off on coming upstairs to check up on them for a little longer. Lily is finally starting to open up and Natalie is afraid that she will lose that if her patient finds out Rufus never left.

"I…I…hit him…" Lily whispers while she cocoons herself around the bottle, setting her chin on top of it. Natalie conceals all evidence of shock on her face at Lily's revelation, remaining apathetic will make it easier for her patient to talk about it.

"Okay…I am guessing that is the end of the story. Can you start from the beginning?"

Rufus is tired of waiting downstairs, there has to be a way he can assist Lily in a way that Natalie can't. Even if it's just holding her hand while she talks to Natalie, just so that she realizes that he is still here. He can hear Lily sobbing and wonders if Natalie is actually helping her. However, Rufus will feel terrible if he ruins their impromptu session in Lily's bedroom.

"I came back here after…seeing you and tried to sleep, but I couldn't. Finally, when I did…I had a nightmare…and yelled for…Rufus. He came upstairs and…carried be out of bed...he made this beautiful dinner for us and I ruined it…" Lily trails off, taking in a shaky breath. She attempts to screw the cap off of the vodka, but her hand is trembling too much. Natalie gently takes it from her, setting aside the bottle out of Lily's eyesight. She is shocked when her patient doesn't automatically reach for it, thinking that Lily would need the liquid courage to explain why she slapped Rufus.

"Okay…so what happened after that?" Natalie has yet to make the connection between the dinner and when Lily hit Rufus. Her instincts tell her that something drastic had to happen for Lily to slap him, she just doesn't know what that is yet.

"Dinner…was…awkward…"

"Awkward how?" Natalie blushes at the glare she receives from Lily for interrupting.

"Sorry, it's a habit."

"We talked about whether I should go back to therapy and I told him…that I blame myself for what happened." Natalie grins, she feels like a proud mom at Lily's admission. For Lily to reveal what they discussed in therapy right away is amazing progress in such a short period of time.

"Alright so…dinner is over, what do you do next?" Natalie can guess by the way Lily's eyes well up with more tears that she is starting to reveal what led up to her striking Rufus.

"I…really wanted to be with him…in a way that we haven't been able to since the rape…but I guess I wasn't ready."

"What do you mean by 'be with him in a way that we haven't been able to'?" Natalie deconstructs Lily's sentence in little fragments in order to piece together what happened. Lily flicks away tears arcing over her cheekbone before she answers.

"I…have been so scared to…be intimate with him…because of the rape…but in that moment I wanted to try." Natalie has been wondering when they were finally going to chat about the lack of intimacy in Lily and Rufus' relationship, something that is evidently upsetting them both. This issue has many different facets to it that will take time to fully process everything. As long as Natalie can get Lily to start talking about it, they can begin somewhere.

"Alright so you are kissing…or whatever, how did you feel?" Natalie doesn't need the explicit details because something tells her that Lily and Rufus didn't get very far.

"I felt good…in control." Natalie grasps onto those words immediately, she knows how important it is to be in charge to a victim of sexual assault.

"So, I would guess that Rufus let you decide where this encounter was going, am I right?" Lily nods her head, thinking that Natalie is onto something. "When did that change?" The therapist can't help but laugh at the astonished expression on Lily's face, it's an occupational hazard for her.

"We were…kissing and he abruptly turns…and I end up against the wall…" Lily involuntarily shivers at the memory of her mind shifting to the powder room, Rufus' face dissolving into Jack's.

"Which triggered you into having a flashback. You honestly didn't know where you were or who you were with, your mind was screwing with you. It's not your fault, Lily."

Lily nods, but she still blames herself for hitting Rufus.

"I shouldn't have hit him…he left…and I didn't want him to go…" Lily says, feeling pathetic for admitting how much she misses Rufus. She rolls over and sobs into the carpeting, exposing the deep bruising on her back. Natalie audibly gasps, she hasn't seen the extent of Lily's injuries besides a patch on her neck. She had guessed that there were more, but she didn't think that the bruises were this horrifying.

"It's okay Lily…relax…" Natalie says, but doesn't attempt to touch her patient. Lily is extremely sensitive to people touching her, Natalie doesn't want to test that right now. However, she notices that Lily isn't making any effort to calm herself down. Natalie clamps down on her bottom lip, she might have to sedate Lily if she continues to sob uncontrollably.

Rufus can hear Lily sob and he races upstairs, not thinking of the implications that it would have on her session with Natalie. He respected Dr. Cormier and gave her a half an hour to work with Lily, but she isn't doing anything that is benefitting his girlfriend.

He knocks on the door, shuffling on his feet anxiously. The door is cracked open just a sliver, with Natalie poking her head out. She doesn't look irritated, but rather, a little relieved.

"Hold on Lily," Natalie says over her shoulder and shuts the door so she and Rufus are on the outside.

"What are you doing? I thought you were supposed to be helping her!" Rufus heatedly whispers. He appreciates Natalie coming over here on such short notice, but Lily should not be crying this much.

"I am, but she won't calm down, and I can't get through to her for some reason. She is very adamant that you left her, you need to go in there and talk to her. I might have to sedate her, but I don't want to because of how much alcohol she drank." Rufus nods, had he have known that Lily couldn't even focus on anything that Natalie was saying, he would have made more of an effort to intervene earlier.

He sighs and enters into Lily's bedroom, finding her curled up in a ball on the floor. This echoes the position he found her in the bathroom when Eric called him. She has somehow managed to reacquire the vodka, holding it closely to her petite frame.

Natalie stands back and watches Rufus approach Lily gingerly, being careful not to frighten her in any way. She doesn't want to interfere unless she has to.

"Lil?" Rufus bends down and glides his hand over the delineations of her body, sensing it quiver beneath him. Lily hears his voice and picks her head up from confirmation that is actually Rufus.

"Rufus? You…you…came back…" Lily says, her voice comes out as choppy from crying so much. Rufus tucks a strand of her hair back behind her ear and cups her cheek.

"I didn't leave you Lil," Rufus reassures her, hoping that she believes him. They don't have to talk about anything that happened earlier in the evening right now, she has to calm down first. There is still some beneath the surface tension between them, but that can be put aside.

"Where were you?" Lily asks, simply beside herself. Rufus is starting to become frightened, he hasn't seen Lily like this since he found her in the bathroom a couple days ago. At least then he could reason with her, but now she is actually drunk and won't stop crying.

"I wanted to give you and Natalie some time before I came back up. Honey…you need to relax, I don't want Natalie to have to sedate you."

Natalie cringes at Rufus' attempt to soothe Lily. She wishes that he didn't bring up the mention of sedation, Natalie only wants to use that as a last resort. Lily won't react to the thought of someone drugging her very well, especially given the fact that she refuses to take the Ambien which was prescribed to her.

"No…Rufus…please…" Lily doesn't see the need to be sedated. She isn't a danger to anyone, including herself. Rufus sits down next to her on the floor, draping his arm around her shoulder and letting her cry into his chest.

Natalie softens at Rufus' unwavering allegiance to Lily. She realizes that Rufus will be against sedating Lily, but it would be for her own good. The therapist isn't going to shove pills down Lily's throat, the only thing Natalie can do is convince her to let Rufus fill the prescription for Ambien.

"Lily, you are no condition to talk right now. I won't sedate you against your will, but I think you should let Rufus go to the pharmacy so you can take some Ambien."

They are past the point where taking the sleeping pill is voluntary, Lily needs it whether she wants to admit to it or not. Lily glances up at Rufus, silently asking him for his input. Rufus tips his nose into her hair, brushing a kiss to the top of her head.

"Lil, I think you should listen to Natalie, we can talk later."

Lily purses her lips, considering Rufus' opinion while weighing her options. Rufus is right, they have a lot to talk about, but she can't seem to put together a coherent sentence at the moment. What she would really like is a long sleep that isn't going to be interrupted by nightmares.

"Okay…fine…I'll take it."

Both Natalie and Rufus breathe a sigh of respite, they didn't want to have to go to extremes with Lily. Rufus is pretty sure that Lily would never forgive him if he allowed for her to be sedated against her wishes. Natalie was smart enough to let Lily choose, realizing the ramifications if she didn't. Plus, it will benefit Lily exponentially and get her to stop crying for a little bit.

"I'll be right back," Rufus detaches from her, but Lily grabs onto him again. His eyes dart over to Natalie, wondering if she should speak up on his behalf.

"Don't leave…I want you to stay," Lily mumbles, essentially pulling Rufus back down to where she is on the floor.

"I'll go, it would be easier for me to get the Ambien anyway," Natalie interjects, knowing that they have to do this Lily's way. What she is saying about the medication is true, but Natalie would rather be here to watch over Lily instead of Rufus. She is more equipped to handle Lily's mood swings than Rufus is.

"Thank you Natalie, we'll be here," Rufus tells her sincerely. Natalie gathers up her things and leaves the penthouse, searching for the closest pharmacy.

Rufus and Lily are entangled in the same awkward silence that plagued them at dinner. All of the things that they should or have to talk about can wait until Lily is more like herself again. Rufus wishes to never see Lily like this again, although he is fortunate that she didn't try to harm herself. She did drink herself into a stupor, but again, they can talk about her drinking later.

"Do you hate me?" Lily asks quietly after ten excruciating minutes of sitting and not speaking. Her hand reaches up to flick away a few tears collecting on her cheeks. She has done so many things to him that would make anyone else walk away, she is curious as to why he hasn't. Rufus reflexively tightens his grip on her and tilts his head down.

"Of course not Lil, I love you. I just…I want the best for you, which is why I called Natalie. I wasn't trying to insinuate that you were going insane or you were uncontrollable or…" Rufus trails off, letting Lily fill in the rest of his sentence. Lily slides out of his arms, choosing to sit across from him.

"I…hit you…I yelled at you…how could you possibly still love me?"

Rufus is starting to comprehend why Lily is asking him all these questions. It isn't like her to voice her insecurities about their newly rekindled relationship unless she is trying to make a point. And then it dawns on him, she is asking why he stayed when he could have easily walked out the door and left her drinking in her bedroom. They have talked about this before, when she thought that he was staying merely out of obligation, have those feelings returned? What does he have to do to prove to her that he is here out of choice?

"Lil…listen, I'm not mad at you or scared of you. If I didn't want to be here with you, I wouldn't be. Trust me when I say that I love you." Rufus attempts to keep any sort of frustration out of his voice.

"You didn't sign up for this," Lily comments, sniffing into the back of her hand.

"You didn't either," He throws back at her, giving her a crooked smile.

Lily is starting to sober up, little by little, but she can still feel the alcohol coursing through her, making her head swim. She believes Rufus and couldn't be more grateful to him for standing by her.

Natalie taps her fingers against the counter at the pharmacy, berating the pharmacist to fill Lily's prescription faster. Against her better judgment, Natalie left Rufus alone with Lily. She is scared of what is going to happen when she returns to the penthouse. Lily is easily susceptible to another mood swing, which will in turn, make her want to consume more alcohol. Rufus didn't know what to do the first time this happened, it's unlikely that he can defuse her the second time around.

"Hey! Stop stuffing your face with chips and get this done! I have a suicidal patient that needs their Ambien!" Natalie snaps at some poor, unsuspecting person in a lab coat. She resists the urge to flip off the pharmacist who directs her to the waiting area.

Since Natalie has some time before Lily's prescription is ready, she mulls over the dysfunctional session she had with her new favorite patient. When she got there, Lily was extremely intoxicated, but quickly sobered up after she started talking about what happened with Rufus.

_Rufus. _Natalie crosses her arms and thinks about him. She is starting to wonder if Lily can handle being in a relationship with someone currently. It would be beneficial to her patient to see how Rufus is coping with all of this. He has been Lily's sounding board and punching bag throughout this whole ordeal. Rufus seems to genuinely care about Lily, but Natalie needs to know if he intends on sticking around. Lily cannot mentally handle Rufus walking away right now, but if he is staying to appease her, that wouldn't benefit anyone either. After Natalie is able to dispense the Ambien to Lily and send her off to sleep, she will talk to Rufus if he is capable.

"Dr. Cormier, your prescription is ready," the pharmacist says in a clipped tone. Natalie glares at the older man in glasses and snatches the bag out of his hands.

"Thanks, you're a gem," Natalie snaps and shoves the prescription deep into her tote. She hurries out of the pharmacy and hails a taxi back to the penthouse.

Rufus has somehow ebb Lily's tears for the time being. She is nervously twitching, her eyes keep falling onto the vodka. He follows her gaze and shakes his head. Something inside of him snaps and Rufus abruptly stands up, snatching the bottle off the floor.

"Hey! What are you doing?" Lily asks, clamoring her to her feet and trails behind Rufus to the bathroom. Rufus swirls off the cap, getting ready to pour the remainder of the alcohol down the sink.

"You don't need this Lily, you don't," Rufus says, a gravely tone seeping into his voice. Lily bites her lip, she was wondering when her would bring up her dependence on alcohol. It's something that has been bothering him for a while now. She looks away from him, a lonely tear barreling down her cheek. Lily wipes away her tear and faces him again, but this time her face is void of any emotion.

"Fine, do it Rufus, I dare you." Rufus nibbles on the inside of his cheek, what Lily is doing is incredibly unfair.

"Don't put this on me Lily…" Rufus is cut off by Natalie coming up from behind Lily, holding her Ambien.

"What is going on here?" Natalie asks, wondering why Rufus is holding Lily's bottle of vodka. It's clear that Natalie walked in on an argument between the two of them. Rufus slams the bottle down on the counter and brushes past Lily and Natalie, leaving the master bedroom without another word.

Lily turns to face her therapist, a fresh batch of tears collecting in her eyes. Natalie rubs her patient's shoulder, she needs to dissect what happened while she was gone. She can tell that Lily is extremely perplexed by Rufus' behavior and would rather not discuss it.

"Can I just…um…have the pills?" Lily asks, hoping that Natalie will respect her enough to shelve this conversation for later.

"Of course…I'll just give you one for right now," Natalie struggles with opening the bottle, but eventually drops a pill into Lily's hand. Lily dry swallows the pill and maneuvers around Natalie to climb into her bed. The therapist sits with Lily until she falls asleep, wanting to make sure that the Ambien has done its job before she joins Rufus.

About twenty minutes later, Natalie can tell by Lily's deep breathing that the pill has finally dissolved, knocking her patient out for at least the next eight to ten hours. She gathers up her stuff and softly closes the door behind her.

Rufus is sipping on some scotch he found in Lily's liquor cabinet when Natalie comes into the kitchen.

"Don't you think that's a little hypocritical?" Natalie asks, flashing a smile to indicate that she is only kidding. Although, based on Rufus' halfhearted grin, he is unimpressed. "Sorry, that was a lame joke. Can I talk to you one-on-one? I promise only to psychoanalyze you a little bit."

That comment earns Natalie a genuine smile from Rufus this time. Together, they make their way over to the living room, Rufus sitting on the couch while Natalie situates herself in a chair.

"Is Lily sleeping?" Despite their argument, Rufus' main priority is still Lily's well-being. "Wait, before you answer that, would you like a drink?"

"I'm not sure if I'm still technically on-duty, but yes, I would love whatever you have." Rufus shrugs and returns to the kitchen, fixing Natalie a scotch and soda like the one he has.

"Here you go," Rufus hands her the drink and sits back in his original place. Natalie swirls around her glass a bit before pressing it to her lips, grimacing a little at the taste.

"Lily is out until morning, I think the Ambien will do her a world of difference."

"Good, she barely gets any sleep because of the nightmares." Natalie quirks an eyebrow, Lily's account of her sleeping schedule doesn't coincide with Rufus'.

"Oh…Lily said that they weren't that bad, do you disagree?" Rufus scoffs and takes a long swig of his drink.

"Of course, she can only get about two hours of sleep before she starts screaming and thrashing around. I have to wake her up in order to reason with her." Rufus admits and then blushes, thinking that he inadvertently betrayed Lily's confidence.

Natalie purses her lips, she wonders what else her patient has been lying about. Rufus seems a lot easier to talk to than Lily, he is more open to having an actual discussion instead of rapid-fire questions to extrapolate answers.

"I think Lily was scared to tell me because she didn't want me to prescribe sleeping pills, which I ended up having to do anyway." Rufus shrugs, he isn't exactly sure what Lily's issue with medication is, the only thing he can do is try to convince her that taking the prescribed pills will ease her pain.

"I love Lil, but she is very stubborn as I am learning."

"You two have known each other for a long time though, right?" Rufus chokes on his drink, he would never have guessed that Lily talked about their relationship with Natalie. He knows how protective she is over her love life.

"We have known each other for over twenty years, did Lily talk about us?"

"She didn't have to, I could just tell by the way you are with each other. That familiarity with someone doesn't just come naturally." Rufus nods, but doesn't have anything to say back.

Natalie is going to have her work cut out for her with this couple. She is toeing a very fine line between simply talking to Rufus about Lily and fishing for answers that might make Lily uncomfortable later. It will be cathartic for Rufus to talk with her, but he isn't her patient. Anything that he says to her is fair game during her sessions with Lily.

"Rufus…I understand that this is absolutely none of my business, but how are you doing?" Rufus exhales and sets his empty tumbler on the coffee table. He has been pushing all of his feeling about the rape aside to tend to Lily's that he feels almost selfish for talking about himself rather than focusing on her.

"I…um…it's been really hard, the Lily that is upstairs sleeping right now is not the Lily that I know. She is the shell of the person that she used to be and I know that's not her fault, but I miss the old Lily a lot."

Natalie sympathizes with Rufus, it is incredibly difficult to watch someone you love get hurt so violently that it alters every aspect of their life. She is sure that Lily has changed since her attack and it must be so tough for Rufus to deal with the aftermath of it all.

"You are doing an extraordinary job with Lily, I know it's not easy to handle someone that has been through this traumatic of an ordeal, but you are doing it exceptionally well."

"With all due respect Dr. Cormier, Lily doesn't need to be 'handled'. I am solely doing the best I can because I love her." Natalie softens at Rufus standing up for Lily, his loyalty to her is stanch.

"I'm sorry, what I am trying to say is I commend you for being here. What made you decide that she needed to come and see me?"

"How…oh, I am guessing Lily told you."

"Yeah, she did, but I want to hear it from you too. She said that it had to do with her 'trip in the rain' as she kept calling it."

Rufus still winces at the memory of seeing Lily collide with the taxi cab. There were ten different scenarios that could have resulted in far more extensive injuries for her, but what stood out to him was that he didn't think Lily cared how it ended up.

"Well, it's that, but there were other things too. She can't sleep, she barely ate, her reliance on alcohol, the wound in her hand and her….reluctance to be intimate again."

Rufus rattles off a number of things that he hasn't discussed with Lily in full detail yet. He can feel his cheeks heat up at the mention of the last thing on his list, knowing how ridiculous it sounds.

"Not counting the obvious reason for why Lily is hesitant to be intimate with you again, why do you think that is?"

"It could do with her bruises, I know she is still in a lot of pain." Rufus sees Natalie frown, her head bob compassionately.

"I knew they were on her wrists and neck, but I saw the ones on her back earlier, I couldn't imagine what he did to her to produce those."

"I think it's better for Jack Bass' safety that I am kept in the dark. Lily has told me some of what her nightmares entail so I know a substantial amount."

"You said that she has nightmares, what prompted the flashback that interrupted your dinner?"

Natalie watches Rufus physically tense up from her question. Lily mentioned something about being triggered and by the remorse woven into the worry lines on Rufus' face, he caused it.

"I…we….were kissing and I got caught up in the moment. I-I-I didn't mean to press her up against the wall. God, no wonder she hit me, I would hit me too."

The psychiatrist squashes the impulse to get up and hug Rufus. She chooses to place her hand on his arm, rubbing it reassuringly.

"Rufus, it's okay. Lily is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder attributed from her rape. It could have been anything that triggered her, the smell of cologne that reminded of her Jack or the sound of someone's voice that mirrored Jack's. What you did was not your fault, it's just another thing that Lily has to overcome and she will, in due time."

Rufus has to admit that talking to Natalie has been very liberating. He needed to hear that Lily's flashback was just a product of her mind and nothing that he intentionally did to cause it.

"Do you think that her bruises are only part of the reason why Lily is struggling with being intimate?"

Natalie has to be very cautious, she considers herself to hold herself to a high standard of morals. She could easily break her patient's trust, which would only set them further back than they already are.

"Honestly, I don't know, it could just be her injuries…I just…don't think that's the whole reason. Something tells me that there has to be more of a profound reason as to why Lily can't get to the level we were at, but it could just be time."

Natalie listens while Rufus brings up his concern but then dismisses it with two more reasonable explanations. Rufus is right, Lily could simply need more time to digest and process the damage done to her body. It isn't uncommon for victims of rape to take six months to a year before they are ready to be in a physical relationship with someone again. However, if he is having doubts, it's easier to vocalize them now then with Lily later. Lily will tend to be more defensive and take Rufus' frustration personally instead of revealing the actual problem.

"If it's okay with you, I would ask that you hold off on bringing your concerns up to Lily until I can talk to her about it. Although I'm sure you will argue with me, we actually made some progress today. Now that I know your concerns I can address them with her and hopefully we can begin to delve into this issue."

"I agree with you, I just wish that she didn't feel so ashamed about it."

"Well, to be fair, you did too." Natalie smiles at Rufus, watching him look down sheepishly is sort of amusing.

"My advice is to keep doing what you are doing, except I don't want you to push her with the alcohol right now. She needs to stop drinking on her own, just like her willingness to attend therapy. However, you are doing a remarkable job with her Rufus and I can tell how much you love each other."

Natalie sets aside her glass to reach for her stuff, signaling that this is her cue to leave. Rufus stands up as well, following Natalie to the elevator.

"Thank you Natalie, I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate you coming here today."

"You are welcome Rufus. And if you wouldn't mind calling me in the morning so I can determine whether to bring Lily in for another session that would be great."

"Of course, thanks again." Rufus watches Natalie step onto the elevator, the doors closing in front of her. He sighs and goes to dump the empty glasses in the sink before heading upstairs.

Rufus pushes the door to Lily's bedroom open a crack, seeing her passed out, her arms banded around a pillow. He kicks off his shoes and changes into more comfortable clothing before sliding under the covers with her. Lily stirs, but doesn't wake up, merely moving closer to accommodate for Rufus. He is glad to see her in such a deep slumber, it will give her a chance to truly catch up on the sleep that has been escaping her since Friday rather than capturing little intervals here and there.

Natalie breathes a heavy sigh of relief when she finally enters her apartment. She sets her stuff down on her couch and pours herself a glass of wine. Dealing with Lily was exhausting and exhilarating. She is glad that Lily has someone like Rufus to look after her. Natalie likes Rufus, she finds him to be very warm and open, the complete opposite of Lily. She is baffled on how they ended up together.

Eventually, Natalie would like to bring Rufus and Lily together for a session, but they aren't ready for that yet. Lily has to return to therapy first before they can even think about doing a couples session.

Hopefully, Rufus can convince Lily to come back when she wakes up tomorrow morning. There is the possibility that Lily will be too furious with him to even consider his opinion. Rufus will apologize for attempting to pour her vodka down the sink, it was a rash decision that wasn't handled in the correct way. Natalie brought up a good point to him, it has to be Lily's choice to stop drinking similar to it having to be her decision to attend therapy. Forcing sobriety onto someone will never have a beneficial outcome for anyone involved.

For now, Rufus skims his fingertips over Lily's back, using the gesture to help soothe him to sleep. Talking to Natalie about his feelings regarding Lily's rape was very useful, he could sense his frustration with his girlfriend mounting.

The next morning, Lily slowly peels one eye open and then the next. She feels incredibly groggy, more so then when she takes one of her pain pills. Lily has no idea what time it is or how long she has been asleep. Although, she is grateful that this is the first time since Friday night that she hasn't been jolted awake by Rufus because of a nightmare. In fact, Lily can't recall having any bad dreams in the past few hours.

Rufus is sleeping soundly beside her, snoring softly into a nearby pillow. Lily tries to think of the last thing she remembers and all she can come up with is fighting with Rufus and then snatching a pill out of Natalie's hand. She can't explain how she ended up in bed, whether she did herself or someone carried her.

Lily rolls over, wincing at the constant ache residing in her lower back. She grabs her phone, noticing that it's a little after nine in the morning. Lily has been out for a solid ten hours without even realizing it. She wonders where Serena and Eric are and if they are okay. The last thing Lily would want is for her children to witness her second emotional breakdown in the span of a few days.

Lily checks her notifications, a couple texts from her children, informing her that they were staying at friends' places last night and not to worry. There is also a missed call and a voicemail from the doctor's office that makes her stomach twist. Lily has no motivation to listen to the voicemail or return that particular phone call at the moment, she has a sinking feeling that her test results are finally back.

Rufus wakes up about ten minutes later, rolling over to face Lily. She is staring at her phone, a confused expression ensconced on her face.

"Hey Lil, how do you feel?" Rufus asks with trepidation, trying to gauge her reaction to him. Lily sets her phone down on the nightstand and pulls the covers up to her chin.

"I feel hung over, but without the headache and urge to vomit everywhere." Lily says honestly, earning herself an adorable sleepy grin from Rufus.

"You remember taking the Ambien right?"

"I do…after our argument…"

"Lil, I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have threatened to pour out your vodka." Lily leans against him, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Don't be, I realize now that I need to stop drinking so much. When did Natalie leave?"

"About a half an hour after you fell asleep. We talked a little bit." Lily removes her head off of his shoulder and furrows her eyebrows. She doesn't have to ask what was discussed, she already assumed it revolved around her.

"Oh…do you like her?"

"I do, I think she is very good for you. She wanted a progress report this morning. Do you want to call her?"

"In a little bit…the doctor's office called…I should probably call them back." Rufus skims his teeth over his bottom lip, he doesn't know if that's a good idea after the day she had yesterday, but it's her choice.

"I'll stay with you if you want to call them back. Natalie can wait for a little longer." Lily picks her phone off the nightstand and starts dialing, snagging Rufus' hand with the other.

**A/N 2: I am ending the chapter this way for a reason…I'm a little stuck! Next chapter, Lily gets the results and talks with Natalie. Also, I am thinking of throwing in the legal aspect of it all as well. Thoughts? Please leave a review and thanks for reading! Sorry this is coming so late...until next time, xoxo.**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I feel that it's important to express my gratitude every chapter, so thank you for all the reviews I have received! Someone said that we are a team and I completely agree. I love how many ideas you guys give me for every single chapter. So, here's chapter eleven, I hope you enjoy.**

**Chapter Eleven**

"_I'll stay with you if you want to call them back. Natalie can wait for a little longer." Lily picks her phone off the nightstand and starts dialing, snagging Rufus' hand with the other._

He can feel her hand trembling in his. She is tapping her finger against the back of the phone while waiting for someone on the other end to pick up.

"Hello? Dr. Matthew's office, Claire speaking," the cheery receptionist answers on the other end.

"H…hi…um…I just got a call from your office about my test results…" Lily struggles to find her voice, scared beyond belief as to what her results might indicate.

"Oh…okay, well Dr. Matthews likes to go over the results with her patients in person. Is there a time you can meet with her today?"

Rufus swallows a wince when he senses his hand tighten. He glances down at Lily, seeing worry flash in her eyes.

"I…I think so…what does she have open?"

"She has an appointment open in an hour if you can make it." Lily agrees and hangs up the phone, sighing heavily as she throws the phone on the bed.

"What's going on?" Rufus asks, using his other hand to rub her uninjured shoulder.

"They won't tell me over the phone, I have to go in and talk to my doctor."

"Ah…well, that doesn't necessarily mean that its bad news."

Lily shrugs, she appreciates Rufus' attempt to cheer her up, even though it's not doing anything to pacify her fears.

"Rufus, you don't tell people bad news over the phone."

Rufus glides his tongue over his teeth, not wanting to argue with Lily when she has a valid point.

"Regardless of what the test results are, I'll be there and we will do whatever we have to for you to feel more comfortable. I'm going to call Natalie to let her know what's going on."

Lily furrows her eyebrows as Rufus slips out of bed. She isn't sure how she feels about Rufus discussing her care with Natalie. Lily doesn't want Rufus and Natalie to gang up on her if she decides to discontinue therapy.

A deep breath slips out of her lips, she is trying not to let her anxiety get the better of her. Lily shifts her focus to getting herself ready for the doctor's office.

Rufus walks downstairs, clutching his phone in his hand. He dials Natalie's office, bypassing her receptionist.

"Hello, this is Dr. Cormier."

"Hi, it's Rufus, you told me to call you when Lily woke up."

Natalie smiles, she was up half the night mulling over her spontaneous session with Lily, wondering if there was anything she could have done differently. She was worried how Lily would feel this morning after her Ambien induced sleep.

"Oh…right! I did, is Lily doing okay?"

Rufus hesitates, he isn't sure how to answer Natalie's question. He doesn't want to disclose where they are going, Lily can tell her that if she wishes.

"She's…fine, just still a little groggy from the Ambien."

"Good, I was incredibly concerned about her yesterday."

"You and me both, should I bring her in later?"

Natalie clicks her tongue against her teeth, she has to remind Rufus that it should be Lily's decision, not his. Lily is undoubtedly embarrassed for letting Natalie see her in such a vulnerable state that she might not want to face the psychiatrist again.

"Why don't you see how she is feeling? I want Lily to make the choice to come back and see me." Rufus slowly nods, the inclination that he is being lightly scolded is washing over him.

"Of course…what does your schedule look like for the day?"

"I can move some appointments around if Lily decides that coming in would be in her best interest." His eyes narrow, his lips purse at the diplomatic flair in Natalie's voice. She was so apt to discussing Lily's care with him last night, he wonders what changed.

"Sure…I'll…um…have Lily call. Thanks Dr. Cormier." Rufus is waiting for her to correct him about using her professional title, but he gets the dial tone instead.

Natalie hangs up the phone quickly, tossing it onto the couch across from her. Lily's case is twisting her into knots, so much so that she over-stepped last night when she went to the penthouse. Natalie is usually excellent at keeping the line between doctor and patients very distinct. Lily is not her friend, she should not be getting personally invested in her patients. And whatever part of her that is attracted to Rufus should be killed immediately before it further impedes Lily's care.

Serena steps off the elevator with Eric while Rufus is pouring himself another cup of coffee.

"Hey Rufus, where's mom?" Serena asks. The teenager is constantly checking in on her mother now, not wanting a repeat of seeing her mother sob on the bathroom floor or coming home to a broken mirror and a missing Lily.

"She is upstairs getting ready. Coffee?" Rufus doesn't want to go into detail about last night because he isn't sure that the kids know about Natalie. Lily is barely forthright with Rufus, he couldn't imagine that the children are keen to the fact that their mother is now seeing a therapist.

"Yeah…where is mom going?" Eric asks, letting his protective side show.

"She's…um…" Rufus pauses to find mugs for Serena and Eric, giving himself a moment to think of a lie to tell Lily's kids. "We are going…out."

Serena quirks an eyebrow, she doesn't appreciate Rufus' vague response. Based on Eric's bewildered expression, he doesn't either.

"Out? What's the big secret?" Serena crosses her arms, wanting an explanation from her mother's boyfriend.

"What's going on?" Lily asks from the living room, wondering why her daughter looks irritated at Rufus. She enters the kitchen and moves towards Rufus, relaxing slightly when he wraps an arm around her waist.

"Mom, how are you feeling?" Eric asks, taking over the conversation for Serena. His sister means well, but her approach can be a little hostile at times. Lily softens at her son's apparent concern for her.

"I'm fine darling. Serena, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I was just…um…worried, that's all. We should get to school Eric. Thanks for the coffee, Rufus." Serena sets her half-finished espresso down on the counter and disappears into her room for a quick change. Eric waits for his sister and then they wave goodbye to Lily and Rufus together.

"That was odd…Rufus, what is going on?" Lily is starting to become annoyed. She has a lot on her mind with the pending results of her tests and toying with the idea of continuing therapy, she doesn't need to be preoccupied with the notion that her children are angry at her.

Rufus skims his hand over her hip, pulling her closer to his frame. He can sense the underlying irritation in her tone, even if she is trying to disguise it.

"The kids were asking what we planned to do today and I wasn't sure of what to tell them. I didn't want to overstep."

Instead of reassuring him that he did the right thing with regards to her children, Lily remains silent and rolls her lips together.

Rufus eyes shift down at Lily, noticing her refusing to make eye contact with him. He drops his arms from around her and takes a step back, creating a much-needed distance between them. If he did something to offend her, they should address it now rather than letting it fester.

"Lil, what is happening between us?"

Lily sighs and locks eyes with him, swallowing her urge to snap at him for doing absolutely nothing wrong.

"Nothing…I'm sorry, I just have a lot on my mind right now. Thank you for being here." She presses her hand on the curve of his cheek and brushes past him, needing to change before they leave.

Rufus bites his lip and turns to see Lily walk back upstairs. The answer she just provided was the typical response Lily provides when she doesn't want to talk about anything.

Lily fumbles through getting dressed, wincing slightly when she attempts to bend down. She is determined to change without Rufus' assistance, mostly because she has no control over her emotions and doesn't want to breakdown in front of him again.

"Ow," tumbles out of her lips as she unravels her tan sweater over her chest. She snatches up her flats off the floor, clamping down on the inside of her lip to prevent from screaming. She has yet to take a pain pill today, which may be why her back is aching so much. Still, Lily managed to dress herself for the first time since Friday night which is a monumental step for her.

Rufus walks into the bedroom just as Lily is putting the finishing touches on her outfit. He offers a genuine smile, ecstatic that she is no longer needing his support to get dressed.

"Is your back feeling better?" He asks while dragging out clothes from his duffel bag. Lily shrugs and sits down on the bench backed up to the foot of her bed. Her nimble fingers work to zip up her ebony boots. She is too afraid to open her mouth and admit how terrified she is of being infected by Jack.

Rufus is attempting to stay calm for Lily's sake, but he is honestly unsure if she is going to be able to handle the results. Obviously, he is hoping for the best possible outcome, but he wasn't in that room. He has no idea what horrible things Jack did to Lily when they were alone together. Lily could have very well picked up something from Jack, especially since it's no secret that he has dabbled in his fair share of prostitutes. Regardless, Rufus will stick by Lily whatever the outcome of the test results are, he just wants her to be aware of that.

"Okay…I'm ready," Lily whispers, her voice faltering. Rufus quickly changes into another flannel before exchanging jeans. He glances at her, noticing that the bruises on her neck are fading. They are still noticeable, but not as dominating on her flesh as before.

On the way there, everything is bothering Lily. The taxi driver is going too slow, Rufus is gripping her hand too tight, or there are too many red lights between the penthouse and the doctor's office. She heavily sighs and bangs her head against the headrest. Rufus breaks their hands to drape an arm around her shoulders, drawing her closer to him.

"Just relax honey," Rufus says, although it's easier said than done. Lily is mirroring how she was on the ride home from the opera that night. She is frighteningly quiet and intensely focusing on the buildings bleeding together outside.

A sense of relief builds up in Rufus when the taxi finally stops in front of the office. Lily waits for Rufus to pay the fare, not wanting to exit the cab. He swings open the door, hoping that he won't have to physically drag her out of the taxi. Lily reminds Rufus of a petulant child who doesn't want to go to school. She is very stubborn and it is extremely difficult to get Lily to do something when she doesn't want to.

"Lil, if you don't want to go…" Rufus begins, reminding himself that he has to leave decisions like this up to her. She doesn't necessarily have to know her results, but he realizes that it's going to eat away at her if she doesn't.

"No…just give me a second."

The only reason Lily chose to come here is because she is aware that a part of her can't move on until she knows the results of her tests. She now negatively associates this office with the exam that she had to have the last time she was here.

Rufus glances at the taxi driver, surprised that he hasn't kicked them out of the cab yet. He is grateful that the driver recognizes that they need a few moments to collect themselves.

"Okay, we will go when you are ready."

Lily takes a deep breath and gives a nod to Rufus indicating that she is willing to go inside. She tosses a thank you to their driver over her shoulder as she exits. Rufus finds her hand, squeezing it gently while they stroll inside. Lily is checked in and given instructions to wait until a nurse calls her back to the exam rooms.

None of the magazines are capturing Lily's attention. She glances over at Rufus who is pretending to be focused on what he is reading when they both know he is looking at her. Lily forces herself to smile, a tiny crinkle in the corners of her eyes to let Rufus know that she is coping relatively well.

He returns the half-hearted grin, nudging her playfully as he sets the magazine he was flipping through back on the table. A nurse calls Lily's name and she stands up, not feeling the ache in her back as much as before. Rufus follows, waiting to see if Lily is going to snag his hand or not. They glance at each other, exchanging information on how they are doing with a mere gaze.

"Okay, just have a seat. What brings you in here today?" The intake nurse asks the couple. Lily opens her mouth, waiting for her voice to reach her throat.

"I had some tests done…and…the results are back." Lily whispers. Rufus rests a supportive hand on her thigh. He is more than prepared to relay the information to the nurse, but Lily seems to be handling it fine.

"Alright, I will let Dr. Matthews know that you are here." The nurse makes a note in Lily's chart and slips past the couple, closing the door on her way out.

Lily is anxiously tapping her fingertips against her thigh while her eyes flicker around the exam room. She hates doctor's offices almost as much as she despises hospitals. She is thankful to Rufus for tagging along, knowing that she couldn't possibly do this alone. However, she is terrified that this could be the last straw for them if her test results don't come back in her favor. It is completely logical for Rufus not to want to be with her if she is infected by Jack.

The knock on the door preempts a conversation that Rufus and Lily have been procrastinating on. Dr. Matthews slips in, offering a comforting smile to the couple. Lily hears her heartbeat pound in her ears as the knot in her stomach tightens.

"Thank you for coming in on such short notice Lily. I have your results right here." Dr. Matthews holds up a file to show Lily. Rufus deeply swallows as his hand slides up to hers, banding their fingers together.

"Okay…" As much as Lily wants to know, there is something holding her back.

Dr. Matthews sits down on the chair and opens her file.

"Lily, before I say anything. Do you want him in here for this?" Dr. Matthews asks, gesturing to Rufus. The physician doesn't know the status of Lily's relationship, but it's her choice if she wants Rufus in here.

"Yeah, I want him here." Lily reassures Dr. Matthews, bringing their conjoined hands into her lap.

"Okay, well, I am happy to tell you that you tested negative for everything. You are not pregnant nor do you have any STD's."

Rufus can physically see the relief wash over Lily. He knows how much this has been weighing on her and to hear that she is fine medically is liberating. She gives Rufus an authentic grin this time. He squeezes her hand and brushes a kiss to her silky blonde hair.

"Thank you…that's great!" Lily exclaims, surprising even herself at how excited she sounds. Dr. Matthews matches Rufus and Lily's enthusiasm. She is glad that she was able to deliver good news rather than bad. Her patient has been through such a traumatic ordeal, it would only add to Lily's stress if she happened to be pregnant or infected.

As thrilled as Lily is, there is something that she wants to ask her doctor, but doesn't know how. Plus, she hasn't talked to anyone about this yet, even Rufus. It might help if she were to talk to Natalie first to get her input on it.

"Is there anything that you wanted to talk to me about?" Dr. Matthews asks the couple. Rufus shakes his head and looks over at Lily.

"Um…do I need to be on any medication or anything?" Lily asks, although this isn't the question that she wants to ask.

"No…you tested negative, so there isn't really a reason to prescribe you anything. If there is any reason that you feel like you should come back, feel free to call my office and we will go from there."

Lily is considering coming back on her own, but she is going to wait until after she discusses her concerns with Natalie and possibly Rufus.

Dr. Matthews leaves the couple, not even bothering to conduct an exam on Lily. Lily and Rufus leave the office, unsure of what to do next.

"Are you hungry?" Rufus asks Lily as they step out onto the bustling New York sidewalk outside of the office.

"Yeah, I can eat. Take me somewhere," Lily demands with a playful grin. With the great news of her test results flooding through her, Lily feels like she can take on Manhattan. For the time being, Jack raping her doesn't have to be at the forefront of her mind.

"Alright Lil, let's go get some breakfast," Rufus snatches her hand again, hailing a taxi to Brooklyn. He reminds himself that Natalie still needs to be apprised of the latest, but that call can be prolonged a little longer. Lily is in such great spirits right now, he is afraid that bringing up Natalie will put a damper on her mood.

They end up eating at the loft, without Jenny or Dan being there. Rufus wants to make sure that his children are being taken care of as far as groceries go. He has spending so much time with Lily that he hasn't seen his children very much lately.

Their meal flows relatively smoothly, resembling more of what their relationship was before the rape. Rufus enjoys just seeing Lily joke around and laugh, something that hasn't happened in these past few days. She is more like her old self again, which is what Rufus has been missing.

After their waffles have been eaten, Rufus offers to clean up. Lily swallows a pain pill from the bottle in her purse while waiting.

"Hey Lil, Natalie wants an update…" Rufus mentions over his shoulder. Lily purses her lips and nods, remembering that she has to call her therapist.

"Okay, I'll call her," Lily grabs her cell phone and dials Natalie's office. Rufus lingers in the kitchen while Lily ventures into the living room.

"Dr. Cormier's office," the receptionist answers.

"Can I talk to Dr. Cormier please? This won't take long," Lily asks the receptionist.

"Yes, she is in between patients right now, so I will connect you."

Natalie hears the phone ring in her office and lunges towards it, hoping that Lily is calling her. She has been waiting ever since she spoke with Rufus this morning.

"Hello, Dr. Cormier speaking," Natalie says, trying to maintain her professionalism. She hears silence on the other end and knows right away that it's Lily.

"Hi…Natalie, it's Lily."

"Hello Lily, I have been waiting to hear from you. How are you feeling?"

Natalie subconsciously crosses her fingers, hoping that Lily doesn't blame her for the extreme measures they had to revert to yesterday. The therapist genuinely didn't have an alternative but to sedate Lily.

"I'm doing…good, better than yesterday." Natalie does an audible sigh of alleviation, she is glad that her patient has reached a point of stability for the time being.

"That's great to hear, would you be interested in coming for a session today? It's totally up to you," Natalie quickly adds, wanting to reassure Lily.

Lily bites on her thumbnail between her teeth while considering Natalie's offer. She doesn't even ask Rufus for his opinion because she is already aware of what his recommendation would be.

"Um…okay…what time will work best for you?"

Rufus listens while Lily and Natalie trade times for an impending session. He is glad that Lily is choosing to go back to therapy for herself, not because he wants her to. Hopefully after therapy, Lily will be more apt to open up to him. They were making progress until that fateful dinner they had yesterday, now they seem to be back in the same place they were before.

Lily rejoins him in the kitchen, setting her cell phone on the counter. Rufus sets the clean dish down in the sink and turns to face her, leaning against the counter.

"Natalie wants to see me in less than hour. She was nice enough to forego her lunch break for me." Lily's voice sounds empty, she is simply relaying information to Rufus with no emotion behind it.

"That was sweet of her. Lil, do you mind if I stay here? I really have to get food for the kids."

Rufus' comment takes Lily by surprise, she didn't think she would have to go to therapy alone. Even if Rufus is merely waiting outside, it's comforting to her that he is there if she decides to abort the session. However, Lily recognizes that Rufus feels guilty for leaving his children at the loft while he stays with her at the penthouse. She sympathizes with him, they have put her well-being and their blossoming relationship first instead of their children.

"Oh…yeah, I'll be fine. I'll see you at the penthouse later?" Lily approaches Rufus, tilting her head up to lock eyes with him.

"Yeah, I'll be over there by the time you get back from seeing Natalie." He promises her, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

"Thank you," Lily whispers and brushes a kiss to his cheek. Rufus is surprised, he thought Lily would choose to go for a hug rather than a kiss. It's an indicator that they are making progress on their intimacy issue.

Lily scoops up her phone and purse, waving to him as she leaves his loft. She can manage to be by herself for a few hours, she has done it before. Even if this wasn't her choice, she will respect Rufus' request to stay in Brooklyn to restock the fridge for Dan and Jenny. He promised her that he would make it to Manhattan in a few hours, so why does she feel this way?

Has she become too accustomed to just having him there? She was fine with being alone before the rape, but she despises it now. The ten minutes she decided to separate from Rufus that night, she was raped. Lily hopes that Rufus comprehends that she isn't trying to be clingy, but she doesn't feel safe by herself anymore.

Lily jumps into a taxi in front of Rufus' apartment building, rattling off the address to Natalie's Manhattan office. She checks her phone, contemplating calling Rufus even though they just saw each other. Lily shakes her head and throws her phone back in her purse. She will be fine alone, she just has to believe it.

Rufus can't help but be a little nervous for Lily to go see Natalie by herself. He could sense her hesitation when he proposed staying behind. It's weird not seeing Lily as the independent women she once was. Usually, she would scoff and insist that Rufus didn't need to be by her side twenty-four-seven, but that has changed. Rufus never thought he would miss the time when Lily didn't need him to be around constantly, but he appreciates it because it's a sign that she trusts him.

Lily checks herself in with the receptionist in Natalie's office and goes into the waiting room. She checks her phone, seeing that Rufus sent her a text checking to see if everything is okay. Lily responds with a quip about how long it took to arrive at Natalie's office and reassurances that she is doing fine.

Natalie swallows the last bite of her salad just as the phone beeps, signaling that another one of her patients arrived. Knowing that it's Lily, Natalie immediately throws her lunch away and exits her office, strolling down the long hallway until she is standing at the threshold of the waiting room door. Lily, as always, has her back to the entrance of the waiting room, but Rufus is nowhere to be seen.

"Lily," Natalie calls out, dropping her patient's last name because of the negative connotation it has for Lily. The therapist sees Lily whip her head around for confirmation that Natalie is the one yelling her name. Lily quickly gets up, wincing when her back pain returns with full fury. Natalie notices this and gives an apologetic smile.

"Hi," Lily says cordially and then proceeds to silently follow Natalie back into her office. No conversation is exchanged until they are safely within the confines of the therapist's office, an unwritten rule they established in the first session.

"Hi Lily, I'm glad to see you are doing better today," Natalie comments. Lily had this look in her eyes that Natalie can only describe as vacant with a tinge of haunted-ness to them. Her complexion is no longer pale and she seems more coherent than the day before.

"I am," Lily declares and sits down in her usual spot, letting Natalie have the couch designated for patients. Natalie goes over to her desk to pull out a pen and Lily's file before claiming the couch. She wonders if Rufus not being here has anything to do with yesterday, but they will work to that point in their session today.

"Did the Ambien help you at all?" Lily shrugs, she didn't really want to take the drug in the first place so she is indifferent to its effects.

"I guess it did, I was able to sleep for a long time without any nightmares."

"That's great! Do you think you will continue to take it?" Natalie can see Lily tense up, something she predicted. The therapist realizes Lily's reservations about taking relying on a drug to help her sleep. Lily thinks that the pills, along with the alcohol, will become a way to numb herself instead of dealing with actual issues the rape brought up for her.

"I don't know…Do you think it's necessary?"

"I want you to make that call. You don't have to take every night if you don't want to, it could just be utilized when you know the nightmares are going to be vivid for you to get any kind of sleep."

Lily nods, Natalie does have a point about the Ambien. It doesn't have to be an every night thing, but rather, a back-up when she is having an especially trying days that will occur with more frequency when the trial starts.

"Okay…I will keep that in mind."

"So you said you were doing better, how so? Can you walk me through your morning?"

Lily uncrosses her arms and leans back into the cushions of the love seat.

"I…just feel refreshed."

"I can tell, it must be nice to get an actual good night's sleep since your attack happened. What did you do this morning before you came to see me?"

Lily lets out a deep breath and flicks a chuck of hair behind her shoulder.

"Well…I got a call from my doctor saying that my test results were in." Natalie quirks an eyebrow, she is learning more and more about Lily each session. She doesn't comment yet, wanting to see how much Lily is willing to reveal.

Lily pauses, waiting for a question that usually follows whenever she starts talking. Natalie is very inquisitive, so it's disconcerting to Lily that her therapist isn't saying anything.

"So…um…anyway, I'm clean, Jack didn't give me anything…thank God." Lily continues, filling the awkward silence that has infiltrated the air between them.

Natalie grins, but notices that Lily doesn't seem as relieved. Her instincts tell her that Lily is holding something back, which really doesn't come as a surprise to her by now. Natalie is going to steer clear of that topic for the time being, they can return to it when Lily isn't so jumpy.

"So, what else did you do this morning?"

Lily furrows her eyebrows at the abrupt topic change, but rolls with it. Normally, Natalie wants to deconstruct her sentences to piece together a new revelation Lily never thought about before.

"I had breakfast with my kids, which was a little weird."

"Weird how?"

"I don't know, it felt like everyone was talking about me until I came down the stairs."

"Do you know what they were talking about?"

"I think it had to do with my daughter wanting to know where I was going and what I was doing today, but I can't be sure."

"What have you told your kids about your rape?" Natalie would have to guess that Lily has kept her children in the dark about most stuff regarding her attack. There is so much that Lily hasn't disclosed with Rufus, the person who is undoubtedly the closest to her.

"Not much."

"Why?" Natalie can see tears build up in Lily's eyes, but she wants to pursue this particular line of questioning.

"They are just kids…"

"And…?" Lily brushes a tear that is slipping down her cheek. It's hard for her to articulate her reservations about discussing her attack to her kids.

"I don't want to burden them anymore than I already have."

Natalie can tell that they are on the cusp of revealing something that Lily hasn't talked about yet. Her patient reaches for the tissues, dotting her eyes with one to collect her tears.

"What do you mean by that? How do you see yourself as a burden to your kids?"

Lily clears her throat, and sniffs loudly before she talks.

"Well…I've been married and divorced four times, raped and then there was that article about it…" Lily trails off, waiting for Natalie to speak.

Natalie had no idea about Lily's past marriages, but it obviously still weighs on her patient tremendously.

"Why did you end those marriages?"

Lily is curious as to why Natalie is inquiring about her string of husbands instead of talking about her rape. However, Lily has never talked about her feelings about being divorced four times with anyone, except for Rufus with Bart.

"Well, there were several reasons, but the main one had to do with the thought that each of them would make me happy, but they didn't."

"There's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy Lily. Did you involve the kids in your decision to end your marriages at all?" Lily takes a second to reflect on her past relationships and discovers that she really hasn't consulted her children much.

"Serena and Eric's father, William, was my first husband. We got divorced when the children were little. My second and third marriages were so brief that the kids barely got to know them before the divorces. Bart, my fourth husband, was different though."

"What do you mean?"

"I was in a relationship with Bart when I started seeing Rufus again. My daughter started dating his son which caused me and Rufus to become close. I was going to run away with Rufus, but my daughter begged me to stay with Bart. I ended up marrying him because I thought it was the right thing to do for my children."

"Okay…so….help me, help you. From what I can tell, you are making choices that benefit yourself and your children. Those marriages didn't work out, so what? You are allowed to make mistakes."

"Yeah, well, I have made a lot of them. I just don't want my kids to be affected by them."

Natalie rocks from side-to-side and drops her file for the time being.

"They will be to a certain point, but hopefully they know who you are as a mom and a person to not let other people's opinion of you influence them."

"I want to protect my children from my mistakes."

"As any good parent would, but there is a difference between protecting them and completely shutting them out. I am sure that your kids have questions they would like to ask you about the rape."

Lily considers what Natalie is telling her. Her therapist is right, Serena has been itching to discuss tidbits of the attack with her mother, but Lily has been reluctant because of the emotions it invokes in her.

Natalie scoops her file off the floor and makes a note to bring up their talk about Lily's children on the next session. She can tell that Lily is done talking about it right now.

"Alright…so what happened after the kids left?"

"I got ready to go to the doctor's office, I actually was able to dress myself this morning."

"Great! Your bruises look a little better today." Natalie comments, noting her patient ducking her head sheepishly. Her bruises are fading from plum into goldenrod, making them less noticeable against her ivory skin.

"My back hurts less, but it still aches when I sit too long or make an awkward move."

"Did Rufus go with you to the doctor's office?"

"He did, although he didn't really have a choice, I wouldn't let go of his hand the entire time." Natalie tilts her head and Lily immediately recognizes that her therapist has figured something out.

"Interesting," Natalie whispers and takes a second to mentally jot down a list of questions that she is going to ask Lily.

"What?" Lily volleys her gaze from side-to-side, wondering what Natalie is grasping at.

"I'm just curious, do you believe in the cliché 'actions are louder than words'?"

"Yeah…" escapes from Lily's lips, unsure of whether that is the correct answer to provide Natalie.

"I thought so. Okay, would you rather tell someone you love them or show them?"

"Show them," Lily is starting to follow where Natalie is going with this, but would rather let the psychiatrist keep talking.

"I figured. I think the problem that you and Rufus have. He would rather talk, whereas you would rather convey your meaning through actions. Rufus becomes frustrated when you don't want to talk about whatever is bothering you. You become irritated with him because that's all he wants to do. Letting him into the exam room or even bringing him to your doctor's office and to this office is your way of opening up to him."

The wide-eyed expression on Lily's face tells Natalie that her instinct is correct, only her patient never considered this hindrance in her relationship before.

"Wow…I…suppose you are right, but how can we change it?"

A simple raise of the shoulders by Natalie triggers a tiny amount of defeat inside Lily. She was hoping with this new insight into her and Rufus' relationship would come with instructions on how to navigate it, but she was wrong.

"Well…I think that you have to find a way to compromise with him. You could start with telling him something that you haven't told anyone before."

Lily can feel her palms start to sweat, she knows exactly what iota of information she could offer to Rufus, but it might be their undoing.

"Would it help if you talked to me about it first?" Natalie proposes, spotting the deep blush on her patient's cheeks. There definitely has to be something, Lily is proficient at keeping secrets.

"Um…it might…I don't know if you want to hear it though."

"You wouldn't believe half the things that people tell me. Like I said, whatever you tell me will stay between us. It's totally your choice whether you want to share it with me or not."

Lily pauses, reaching for the tissue box, preparing for the onslaught of tears that will be arriving as soon as she starts talking.

"It has to do with…the rape…what Jack…did to me…"

Natalie lets silence erupt in the room, wondering if she should fill in the gaps or if Lily will elaborate without any push from her. Lily tries to ebb her tears, unsuccessfully. The therapist realizes she is going to have to open up the dialogue.

"Was it something to hurt you or…?" Natalie cuts herself when Lily shakes her head.

"No…its…" Lily takes in a shaky breath, "let me just tell you what happened."

_Jack grabs her wrists and slams her against the mirror, finally breaking the glass and the shards end up embedded in her shoulder. Lily hisses in pain, which Jack misinterprets as a sign of arousal. _

_ "You like that Lily? You like the pain, don't you?" Jack whispers in her ear, pressing his body flesh against hers. _

_ Lily is trying with everything in her to break free of Jack's grip, letting out a moan filled with anger, fear and frustration. _

_ "God you smell so good Lily," Jack mutters against her cheek, moving his left hand to hike her dress up, yanking her lace panties and throwing them aimlessly in another direction. _

_ Lily sees Jack's attention directed somewhere else and uses it as her chance to slip away from his grasp. Jack sees this and roughly grips her shoulders, crashing her into the wall._

_ "Help!" Lily screams, only to be slapped against the face by Jack._

_ "Shut up bitch! Nobody cares about you," Jack reminds her and twists her arm around her back, hearing her cry out in pain. He lets go, moving his hand to her neck while he grips her hip with his free hand. _

_ Lily yanks her head to the side, feeling his grip loosen on her neck. Jack invades her personal space even more, causing Lily to back up into the counter. Her back is aching in protest, but Lily doesn't have a choice. She hears Jack unzip his pants and she tries one more time to free herself from him. _

_ Lily's plan is thwarted by Jack unexpectedly pressing her lips to hers, forcing his tongue down her throat. His fingers coil around her hips while Lily writhes under him. She bites his tongue, letting Jack know that she is going down willingly. Jack counters by entering her powerfully. Lily gasps and Jack grabs her wrists, pressing them into the wall so she can't break free. _

_ "You like that Lily? Say you belong to me!" Jack growls into her ear and then sinks his teeth into her neck. _

_ "No," slips out of Lily's voice in an anguished whisper. There is no way she is going to give that satisfaction. Lily can sense him inside her, but refuses to match him, knowing that it's exactly what he wants. Jack's mouth leaves her neck while his hands navigate to her breasts, squeezing them in his hands. _

_ "You think this is a game you little whore? I will satisfy you in a way Rufus never can!" Jack yells in her ear. Lily whips her head to the side so Jack won't see the tear escaping her eyes. _

_ Jack pumps in and out of her once more, using his hand to squeeze her thighs open. They both can hear activity coming from outside and Jack knows his time is up, but he tries one more time. _

"I felt myself…you know…" Lily whispers, her words coming out staccato because of her tears. Natalie drops her notes, knowing that they won't provide any assistance. What her patient revealed to her makes total sense, it ties all of her issues together in a way that Natalie never expected.

"Are you saying that you almost had an orgasm?" Natalie asks, just to clarify what she thinks her patient means by "you know".

"Yes," Lily says and chokes out a sob. Her back protests the slumped over posture that she is in. Lily readjusts, but still can't glance in Natalie's direction. She looks at her therapist briefly, surprised to see that pity is not ensconced on her face. If anything, Natalie seems to be apathetic.

Natalie has helped women like Lily through this particular issue before. Victims of sexual assault see this as the ultimate betrayal by their own bodies when in fact, it is totally out of their control.

"Well…what you experienced is common. One of five women report having at least one orgasm while being raped. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it just happens."

Lily nods, believing what Natalie is telling her, but she feels embarrassed by it.

"What if I can't….with Rufus when we decide to...?" Lily leaves Natalie to fill-in-the-blank for her.

"Is that the reason that you are hesitant to be intimate with Rufus?"

"It's one of the reasons, part of it has to with the fact that I'm still very sore."

"I am sure if you tell Rufus what you just told me he would be understanding."

"What if he finds it disgusting?" Lily asks, while angrily swiping away tears from her cheeks. Natalie shakes her head to object.

"I would highly doubt that. I am sure he would be confused, but I can guarantee that he thinks he is the problem too."

"Rufus isn't doing anything wrong! I can't believe he would think that."

"How would you two know what the problems are if you never talk with each other?"

Lily clamps her mouth shut, thinking that Natalie makes a very good point. She feels better about revealing what has been on her mind since that night to Natalie. However, talking to Rufus about it will be difficult.

"So, how do I approach this…subject?"

"I would just be honest with him, tell him what you told me. It is nothing to be humiliated or ashamed of. I understand that it is not necessarily the easiest thing to talk about, but you two might never be able to get back to the place you were before without this being discussed."

The phone rings, indicating to Natalie and Lily that the next patient is idling in the waiting room. Lily reaches for another Kleenex, wiping her eyes and blowing her nose to erase all traces of her breakdown to any curious onlookers.

"Do you want to schedule another session?" Natalie asks Lily after a few seconds of silence. Lily nods and gathers up her things, wanting to exit as quickly as possible. A lot was discussed today, so much that Lily needs a break from everything for a while. Hopefully, Rufus will be back at the penthouse and they can relax together.

"Uh…yeah…do I go through you or…?"

"I'll walk you out and you can schedule an appointment with the receptionist if you'd like."

Natalie opens her office door and steps out into the hallway, expecting Lily to follow her. Lily swings her purse over her shoulder and takes a final look at the office. She trails behind Natalie until they reach the desk. Natalie slips behind it and takes over for the receptionist.

Lily and Natalie trade dates and times back and forth until they finally settle on an appointment for a week from now.

"Don't be afraid to call my office," Natalie reminds Lily.

"Thanks," Lily mutters and turns to leave, pilfering a sucker on the way out.

The taxi back to the penthouse gives Lily a chance to mull over everything that happened during her session. She has never really analyzed her feelings about her divorces before nor has she thought about the ramifications her rape has had on her children. Natalie is right about speaking with Serena and Eric, but the conversation seems so awkward. Lily has never been incredibly close with her children as they never fail to remind her. Maybe bridging that gap will help everyone, including her. She appreciates Natalie's non-judgmental approach about the wide range of topics they have covered. As much as Lily doesn't want to admit it, she is grateful to Rufus that he suggested going to therapy. Lily couldn't imagine how hard it would be to deal with all of her thoughts and emotions by herself.

The cab drops Lily off in front of her apartment complex and Vanya shows her inside. She thanks Vanya and rides the elevator up to the penthouse. She is mentally crossing her fingers that Rufus will be there when she steps off. Even though she doesn't really want to talk about anything right now, just having him there will ease her anxiety exponentially.

Sure enough, Lily steps off the elevator, seeing the back of Rufus' head from his position on the couch. Rufus turns and smiles when he sees her. Lily grins at him and they close the gap between each other.

"Hey Lil," Rufus whispers in her ear, ecstatic that she made it back without completely falling apart. Lily binds her arms around him, inhaling his cologne and aftershave mix. There is an overwhelming sense of calm that washes over her. Rufus has that effect on her, she always feels safe when she is with him.

"I'm glad you are here," Lily mumbles, her breath bouncing off his t-shirt. Rufus gently lifts her head up, dusting a kiss to her forehead. A soft smile tugs at her lips, she needed this.

"How did it go?" Rufus asks, snagging her hand and bringing them over to the couch. He sits down first, letting her collapse onto his lap. Lily tucks her head into the curve of his neck.

"It was…okay…we talked about….the kids and the doctor's office…stuff like that…" A yawn garbles up the rest of her sentence. Rufus glances down at her, recognizing that she is being intentionally vague.

"Were you okay with going by yourself?" Lily shrugs and fiddles with the lapel of his button-up.

"Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be."

That voice inside of her head that is telling her to talk to him is getting louder, but Lily can't do it. She needs a break from answering questions and talking about her feelings.

"Lil, we need to talk about something," Rufus protests with frustration. Lily pushes herself off of him to meet his gaze.

"I know, but what I have to tell you…it's hard."

Rufus hates the simple act of talking about something pertaining to her rape can reduce Lily to tears. He cups her cheek, caressing it with his thumb.

"Whatever it is, we can deal with it together," he gently reminds her.

Lily nods and presses her finger to eyelid, sensing the tear puddle onto the pad of her fingertip.

"When we were at the doctor's office, I wanted to ask her something, but I couldn't. I talked about it with Natalie and…" Lily clears her throat to clear the cobwebs. Rufus clasps her hand, showing his unwavering support.

"Does it have something to do with what Jack did to you?" He asks to ease her into telling him whatever it is that she has been keeping from him.

"I…almost had…an orgasm…before Chuck came in…"

Rufus does his best to keep his face neutral at Lily's admission, but he is sure that he is failing terribly at it. He wants to murder Jack even more for what he has done to Lily. Lily swallows and waits for Rufus to say something for an indication as to how he is feeling. Silence isn't subsiding her anxiety about revealing this to Rufus. She shakes off his grip and stands up to pace around the living room.

Rufus senses her pull away and pops his head up, seeing her walking in circles. He stands and intentionally blocks her path in front of the fireplace. Rufus can see Lily trembling and he coils his arms around her, letting her cry into his shoulder.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of Lil, it was out of your control."

"That's the problem!" Lily sobs and balls up the cotton of his shirt into her fists.

"I know…it is okay baby, thank you for telling me."

Rufus is shocked that Lily was willing to disclose this to him, but is glad that she did. It helps him to be aware of the fact of why they haven't made strides to become intimate with each other again.

Lily sniffs and lifts her head up, using the back of her hand to wipe away her tears. They both hear the elevator doors open, but ignore it, assuming that the children are home from school. However, Lily can detect a scent that she only attributes to one person.

"What the hell?" Lily whispers and furrows her eyebrows.

"Hello darling," CeCe says from behind the couple. Rufus makes eye contact with CeCe and glances down at Lily, seeing the pure fury etched into her face.

**A/N 2" This is where I leave you for now! I am so sorry that it took me so long to update, life just got in my way. Next chapter, CeCe is here to cause turmoil for Rufus and Lily. Let me know what you want to happen! Thanks for reading and please leave a review when you can! F&amp;F will be updated before Thanksgiving!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Hello everyone, thanks for all the lovely reviews that have been thrown my way. A lot of them have been for my yet-to-be-written new story, which is always fantastic. I love how excited you guys are for that, which should be introduced in late February. Anyway, for now, please enjoy the latest installment of **_**Rewrite**_**. **

**Chapter Twelve**

_"What the hell?" Lily whispers and furrows her eyebrows. _

_ "Hello darling," CeCe says from behind the couple. Rufus makes eye contact with CeCe and glances down at Lily, seeing the pure fury etched into her face. _

__Lily has just come home from therapy and revealed a dark secret about her attack to Rufus. The last thing she needs is an unexpected visit from her mother who she has not been speaking to for several weeks. Rufus realizes that he is going to have to be the peacemaker between the two since Lily will reject any assistance given to her by CeCe. He does not trust that CeCe's intentions to come to New York are benign because they almost never are. The last time CeCe was here was after Bart's death, when she disclosed Lily's secret about their now deceased son.

The three of them hover in a desolate silence, each too wrapped up in their own thoughts to speak. Rufus is waiting for any sort of reaction from Lily besides an infuriated stillness. She has not moved from his arms, which could either mean she is too angry to make any sort of motion or she is using him as a shield. His bet would be the former based on the stiffness of her jaw. He shifts slightly, not wanting to intervene between mother and daughter.

Lily's eyes flicker up to his and she very slowly shakes her head. Rufus is not sure how to interpret the gesture, but he is not given the chance to ask. Lily abruptly flees from his arms and bolts upstairs, presumably to her bedroom.

"Lily!" Rufus calls out after her, but not surprisingly, no response is initiated.

"So, I guess she was that happy to see me, huh?" CeCe quips from behind him. Rufus pivots on his feet while scratching his head.

"What are you doing here CeCe? Now is not really a good time." Rufus hears a scoff from CeCe.

"Well, I had to hear about my daughter's attack in the papers, which was humiliating, so I thought I would come here and check in. I think the better question is; what are you doing here? The last time we spoke, you were going to confront my daughter at Grand Central. I thought you wanted nothing to do with her."

Rufus is not going to enable CeCe, he is more concerned about Lily's well-being than keeping her mother company.

"I am going to go see how Lily is doing." CeCe quirks an eyebrow, she did not expect Rufus to avoid her probing all together.

"Fine, I will check into the hotel. Let me know if I can join you for dinner." CeCe knew there was a chance that her daughter would kick her out of the penthouse, so she booked a hotel in the city just in case.

"I'll leave that up to Lily, she will call you if she wants you to come back." Rufus has been cautious about letting Lily make certain decisions. If she wants to take a stab at making amends with her mother, then that is her choice. Rufus will gladly support Lily in whatever she decides. Although, it has been relatively nice for him not to have CeCe meddling these past few weeks, it has given him and Lily time to establish their relationship prior to her rape.

Rufus climbs the stairs and knocks on the master bedroom door, expecting it to be locked. He is crossing his fingers that Lily is not holding the bottle of vodka that he threatened to pour out earlier. She will undoubtedly want to drink, but that will not help the situation.

He shuffles his feet while Lily thrusts open the door, glaring at him before turning her back to him. Rufus hesitantly takes a few steps in. His duffel bag that was previously resting on the floor is now on her bed with his clothes strewn aimlessly near the luggage.

"I want you out. The rest of your stuff is in my bathroom." Lily declares and tosses another one of his shirts on the bed, missing the duffel by about a foot. Rufus raises an eyebrow, wondering why she is dismissing him. She needs him now as an ally against her mother, whether she wants to acknowledge it or not.

"What?"

"You had no right to do that, Rufus. None." Lily has abandoned her task of throwing Rufus' clothes to pace in front of her bed. Rufus is perplexed as to how he should react. It would be easier if he knew what she is referring to.

"Lil, slow down and talk to me. What is going on?" This infuriates Lily even more, the fact that he is playing dumb when he should just admit it to it. Rufus reaches to snag her arm, but Lily yanks it out if his grasp.

"Don't even think about touching me. Why did you call my mother behind my back?" Rufus opens his mouth to defend himself, but he is just too taken aback by her accusation that nothing tumbles out. He has no idea why she is blaming him for CeCe showing up, it was not his doing.

"I…I didn't. I can't stand your mother. Why would you think I would do something like that?"

"Why else would she be here? You know exactly how I feel about what she did to me, to us."

"I didn't call her Lily!" Rufus exclaims, hating himself for the fear that rises in her features. She flinches and steps away from him, afraid of what he is going to do to her.

"I'm sorry…" Lily whispers. "I shouldn't have gotten upset with you, I apologize." She should not have accused him of betraying her when she had no proof. Her emotions have been all over the place, a side effect of the pain killers she has been on since her rape. Not that she is going to use that as an excuse, but she hopes that Rufus will be understanding enough to stay.

"Lil, I know how angry you are at CeCe right now and this is the worst possible time for her to be here, but I think she is concerned about you." Rufus tries to explain, not wanting it to sound like he is defending Lily's mother. He knows about the strained relationship they have and it has been mostly because of him.

Lily lets out a bitter chuckle and sits at the foot of her bed. Rufus does not approach her, he is too apprehensive that she will deny him. Plus, he is still hurt by her accusations. He has done nothing but stick by her side and do everything in his power to accommodate to her ever-evolving needs. Of course Lily has been struggling with the aftermath of her attack and Rufus sympathizes with her, but she has no right to lash out at him whenever she pleases.

"The only thing my mother is worried about is keeping our reputation intact. As long as I appear to be coping than that's all that matters to her."

Rufus inches closer to her, making sure she sees that he is putting a hand on her shoulder. He is aware that she becomes anxious when people touch her without warning. A wistful smile presents itself ever-so-slightly on Lily's lips. She is thrilled that Rufus is still here, willing to stand beside her even after she just potentially jeopardized their relationship.

"Why don't we show her how well you are doing?" Lily's eyebrows crinkle as a bemused expression washes over her face. She squashes the urge to laugh in his face. If anything, Lily has regressed after her little episode following her mother's arrival.

"Can you honestly look at me and tell me that I am making any sort of progress?"

"Yes." Rufus says without stalling. He catches her by surprise, transforming her doubtful expression into one of newfound confidence.

"I don't how much I can give her, Rufus. I am still very angry about what she did."

"I know and I am too, but why don't we do dinner with her? If you don't want to see her after that, than we don't have to."

Lily slides her tongue over her top teeth while she mulls over Rufus' idea. She has a feeling that even if she denies CeCe's request for dinner, this will not be the last time she sees her. CeCe will manipulate her way back into Lily's life whether she wants it to happen or not. Dinner will undoubtedly be awkward, but Lily can manage as long as she has access to plenty of alcohol.

"Fine, you are right. I can do dinner, but I can't guarantee that it will run smoothly." Rufus scoffs and rolls his eyes, he is expecting it to be a disaster. He almost wants to give Lily some excuse as to why he would not be able to come, but it would not go over well.

"A meal with your mother never goes well, Lil." Rufus suddenly turns serious, remembering what he wanted to discuss with Lily while they have a moment alone. "Why did you automatically assume that it was me that called CeCe?"

Lily starts fiddling with a loose strand of hair that was previously tucked behind her ear. Rufus deserves an explanation and she knows that, but she thought she evaded the question.

"I…you have been the only person that has been here with me…I thought you were getting tired…of…me." She is not explaining herself well, but she is unsure of how else to put it. Rufus has been here with her constantly for a couple days now, it would make sense that he needs a break, but he would not leave her alone, he would call someone to look after her. Since Lily has been avoiding most of her society friends, the only person Rufus could call would be her mother. It made sense in Lily's mind, but now that she is trying to articulate it to Rufus, she realizes that she genuinely hurt his feelings.

Rufus wants to believe that Lily is not seriously thinking that he called CeCe so he could pass her off to her mother. He is starting to get frustrated by her continuous self-doubt. He thought they were passed it, he does not know how many times he has to reassure her that he is not leaving.

"The reason your mother came was because she saw the article in _Page Six. _It has nothing to with us." Rufus says with a bite to his voice. Lily recognizes the subliminal irritation and reminds herself to be careful.

"Damn that article, I knew my mother would see it. A call would have been nice, she didn't have to come here."

"Lil, would you have picked up the phone if you knew it was CeCe?"

"Okay…good point." Lily's lips twitch into a half-smile, causing Rufus to match her grin. He glances over his shoulder, spotting her cell phone resting on the nightstand. Rufus vacates his spot next to her and swipes the phone to plop in Lily's hand.

Lily stares at it skeptically, reconsidering her choice to call her mother to invite her to dinner. She would rather not see CeCe until she has forgiven her on her own terms. Lily has been too preoccupied with dealing with the repercussions of her attack. Her fingers hover her mother's contact information, feeling the intensity of Rufus' gaze on her shoulder. Lily is going to need double sessions with Natalie when her mother leaves or while she is here.

Lily finally presses the call button and presses the phone to her ear. Rufus leans away from her, trying to make it less obvious that he is listening in on her conversation.

"Are we…you…making dinner here? Or are we going out?" Lily whispers to Rufus while waiting for her mother to answer. Rufus shrugs, he was going to leave that up to CeCe and Lily. He does not know if Lily wants Serena and Eric there either. They both could agree that it would be better if the children did not attend this dinner.

"Hello mother, I was wondering if you would like to join Rufus and me for dinner tonight." Lily says, hoping that her voice does not sound too forced.

"I knew you would come around darling. I will make reservations at Le Cirque for tonight. Make sure you tell Rufus that flannel is not acceptable attire for the restaurant." Lily presses her finger to her forehead. She has been trying to keep a low profile since her rape, especially after that incident with Anne Archibald. Her mother wanting to dine at the most prominent restaurant in Manhattan and the surrounding boroughs is so typical.

"Could we not go there? I don't want people to…talk."

"People are already talking my dear, you have to come out of hiding eventually." Lily is already losing her patience with her mother and they have not even sat down for dinner yet. However, Lily will do this CeCe's way, for now.

"Whatever…just make the reservations and we will meet you there."

"Are my grandchildren joining us or have you already warned them I was coming?"

"I will call them and see what they are doing. I'll see you in an hour." Lily hangs up and throws her phone down onto the carpeting. Rufus is trying his hardest not to laugh. He realizes that this dinner he proposed will blow up in his face, but it could be relatively amusing for him if he is a silent observer instead of an active participant.

"Tell Rufus flannel is not acceptable attire? I'm offended."

"She has a point." Lily jokes and looks down at Rufus' flannel button-up. Rufus laughs at her flippant answer and shakes his head. However, Lily's upbeat mood quickly dissolves into one of apprehension and fear.

"This is not going to be easy Lil, but maybe your mother is right. Getting back into your normal routine could be beneficial for you."

"I can't believe you are taking my mother's side on this."

Rufus sighs in defeat. CeCe has been in New York for less than an hour and it is already causing significant problems between him and Lily. She refuses to accept that for once in her life, CeCe might actually know what is best for her daughter.

"I'm not Lil, I just want what is best for you. Why can't you see that?" Lily purses her lips and slowly nods.

"I have to call the kids and then get ready. Do you have clothes here or do you have to back to the loft?" She avoids his statement all together to give herself time to digest his reasoning. Rufus reaches out to clasp her hand, causing her to jump slightly.

"Lil, I will have your back, okay?" He dusts his lips over their conjoined hands.

"Thank you," She whispers and reaches for her phone, ignoring the almost crippling spasm ripping through her lower back. Lily suppresses a whimper as she attempts to straighten out her posture. Rufus' eyes fall on her pain medication idling on her dresser. Lily makes a mental note to swallow a pill before dinner. It will substantially lower her pain and reduce some of her anxiety.

While Lily is getting ready, she dials Serena and Eric, wanting to know what their dinner plans. Serena tells Lily that she plans on going out with Blair, needing some best friend time as a result of her recent break up with Dan. She promises to stop by to visit with CeCe after. Eric tells her relatively the same thing, except his plans involve dinner with his boyfriend. Luckily, Lily has Rufus to rely on when this dinner turns into a catastrophe.

Lily ventures into her closet, spotting Rufus changing into the closest thing of his resembling a dress shirt. She wants to find something that covers her healing bruises. The wounds linger on her skin, a constant reminder that she is still recovering physically as much as she is mentally. Lily locates a maroon t-shirt dress that she has not worn yet. She pairs it with ebony heels to accentuate her long legs.

After getting dressed, Lily goes into the bathroom to do her makeup. She applies mascara and eyeliner, feeling slightly better about herself for the first time in a couple days. However, she catches a glimpse of a bruise peeking out of the fabric of her dress and her eyes glisten with tears. She stretches her arms across the marble counter and blinks rapidly so they will not pour down her face and ruin her newly applied makeup.

Rufus goes into the bathroom to make sure Lily will approve of his outfit. He spots her with her head bowed, her body trembling and her hands balled into fists. Rufus comes up behind her, looping an arm around her waist. Lily turns towards him, sniffing and pressing her palm to her cheek to absorb her tears.

"Come here honey. Talk to me," Rufus whispers, gently rubbing her back, avoiding her wounded shoulder.

"I…my back hurts…I…I can't find a damn dress…and I'm…having dinner with…my mother…" Her sobbing is only making her back ache more, which in turn, is causing more tears. It is a vicious cycle that Lily has been trapped in for the past few days.

"I know you don't want anyone to see your bruises, but Lil, they are a symbol of strength. You _survived _and that's important." Lily wipes her eyes with the back of her hand, taking away the eye shadow that adorned her eyelids. Rufus always knows exactly what to say to calm her down when she is on the verge of another breakdown. He is able to make her see that she should not be defined by the marks left by Jack.

"Thank you, I love you." Lily says confidently, proud of herself that she can say those words to Rufus and mean them.

"I love you, too. We should go, your mother will throw a tantrum if we are late."

"I have to fix my makeup real quick. Can you call a car?"

Rufus nods and detaches himself from her, leaving to do as she requested. Lily lingers in the bathroom, wanting to erase signs of her tears before going to see her mother. CeCe will meddle, which will only cause more tension during dinner.

Lily and Rufus eventually slip into an awaiting town car, bypassing the cameras stationed at the entrance of her apartment complex. Rufus slams the car door shut with a huff, he thought that the media attention would have died down by now. He knows how much the cameras being here upset Lily. She refuses to answer any of their questions which only causes the press to get more aggressive.

Lily preoccupies herself with scavenging for some liquor so she will be able to survive this dinner with her mother. She locates an unopened bottle of wine from the refrigerator and grabs it. Rufus frowns, he is hoping that Lily does not plan on getting drunk tonight. Of course, Lily is an adult and can drink however much she wants, but she has had a problem with controlling herself lately. He tried to talk to Lily about her increased dependency on alcohol, but Natalie asked him to hold off until she can discuss it with Lily in therapy. He glances over at Lily who is struggling with opening the bottle and ultimately relents, since Le Cirque is mere blocks from the penthouse.

The car stops next to the curb and the driver goes around to let Lily and Rufus out. Rufus thanks the driver and snags Lily's hand, leading her into the restaurant. The couple maneuvers around curious onlookers who recognize Lily from various pictures media outlets have publicized since the attack. Lily keeps her head down until they are seated inside the restaurant. CeCe is already waiting and nursing a drink.

A waiter materializes immediately, offering to take the couple's coats. Rufus pulls out Lily's chair before he sits down.

"Can I get you two anything to drink?" The waiter asks as he is handing Lily and Rufus menus.

"Yes, I will have whatever she is drinking," Lily says and points at CeCe's drink. She needs alcohol in her system as soon as possible. Rufus shoots Lily a warning look which she chooses to ignore and CeCe notices.

"I'll have whatever beer is on tap," Rufus says.

Lily feels like she is a teenager again, being forced into a dinner with her mother. She is thankful that she dragged Rufus along with her, not that he had much of a choice. Lily picks up the menu and pretends to be intrigued by it. Rufus clears his throat and drapes his arm around Lily's chair. He already wants this dinner to be over and it has not even started yet.

The table falls into an awkward silence while Lily and Rufus scan the menu. CeCe quickly swallows the remainder of her drink, needing the liquor to have a conversation with her frustrated daughter. Regardless of what Lily chooses to believe, CeCe does feel horrible about the rape and wishes she could have been there to protect her child.

Lily sets her menu down just as the waiter comes with their drinks. She grabs hers immediately and presses it to her lips. Rufus chews on his bottom lip, watching her gulp down whatever she ordered. Knowing CeCe, it was probably something with very strong gin laced into the beverage.

"Are you ready to order or do you need a few minutes?" The waiter asks the table.

"We are…"

"We need a few minutes, thanks." CeCe interrupts Lily. Lily fakes a smile and clenches her drink. "And I'm going to need another drink, please."

"Of course, I'll be back right away. Take your time."

Lily irritably sighs and crosses her arms on the table. She is getting ready to leave this dinner with Rufus in tow. CeCe dragged her here to chat and her mother is not saying anything. Lily would have much rather been at home with Rufus eating his chili than sitting here in unbearable silence.

"So…how have you been doing since…?" CeCe swallows the rest of her sentence, hoping her daughter can fill in the rest. Lily bitterly smiles and swallows the last sip of her gin and tonic before responding.

"Are you asking because you care or are you worried that I am going to further tarnish the family's reputation by ending up in _Page Six _again?"

Rufus is astonished by the hostile edge that bleeds into Lily's voice. He would think that Lily would appreciate the support from her mother that has been lacking for so many years. Unless, Lily sees her mother's sudden turn-around as something that has come too late. His hand navigates to her thigh, giving it a light squeeze as a cautionary gesture.

"The reason I'm here is because of the article published regarding your attack was a headline on _Page Six._ I was concerned when I didn't hear anything from you."

"Well whose fault is that, mother?" Lily snaps just as the waiter comes back with CeCe's drink.

"Have you guys decided what you want?" The waiter asks. Lily does not prolong the process and orders another drink as well as her entrée. CeCe and Rufus do the same without requesting another beverage.

"You better watch yourself darling, people are going to start thinking you have a drinking problem." CeCe says after the waiter leaves. Rufus quirks an eyebrow, but is glad that her mother brought up this issue instead of him. Lily laughs and rolls her eyes.

"What can I say? I learn from the best." CeCe chooses to ignore Lily's dig and shifts her focus to Rufus.

"So, Rufus, how have you been handling all this?" Rufus bites his lip, locking eyes with Lily before responding. Lily is leaning back in her chair with her arms crossed, waiting for him to answer.

"I'm…doing okay. I am more worried about Lily more than anything." He mumbles, figuring that was a safe enough response. Rufus wishes that he would have left CeCe and Lily to hash this out without him. He is not assisting anyone by being here, not even Lily.

Lily reaches for her drink, finishes it off in one gulp and then wipes the excessive alcohol off her lips.

"Are you satisfied?" Lily asks CeCe with an eyebrow quirked.

More drinks are set down on the table, providing Lily with a much needed refill. She immediately swipes the glass and drinks half of it in a sip.

"Lily, can I talk to you for a second?" Rufus asks, throwing on a convincing smile. Lily nods and throws her napkin on the table. She follows Rufus towards the restaurant, walking past the women who insulted her at the Italian bistro a couple days ago. They all offer condescending smirks at the couple and then immediately circle up, passing whispers about Lily's appearance and how they think she has been coping since their last encounter.

"What?" Lily asks when they reach a secluded area of Le Cirque.

"You need to stop. This is not about your mother, this is about you and I'm telling you Lil, you better be careful here."

"My relationship with my mother is not your concern."

Rufus pauses for a second, enough to swallow his immediate retort to Lily. He stares at her and lets out a disheartening sigh. Rufus has to admit that he feels sorry for his girlfriend. She is falling apart and he cannot do anything but watch. He is clueless as to what he should do. Leaving might push her over the edge, but he can honestly say that he does not want to stand beside her especially when she is trying her hardest to push him away.

"You asked me to be here!" Rufus takes a breath, "I'm not saying you don't have the right to be angry, but just relax a little bit."

Lily tilts her head at his request, smart enough to understand what he is asking of her.

"Are you asking me to stop drinking?"

"Not necessarily, but I don't think it would hurt if you did."

Rufus promised Natalie that he would not mention the alcohol to Lily, but he feels he has no other choice. He has seen Lily pound back two drinks in the past half an hour that they have been here. Rufus watches Lily rock on her feet. They are both silent, waiting for an indication as to what the other is thinking.

"Fine. We should probably get back to the table." Lily whispers.

Rufus clamps down on the inside of his cheek, internally debating whether he should push the issue. Lily is right though; they have kept CeCe waiting and their food is probably coming up.

He rests his hand on the small of her back while she navigates back to their table. Rufus notices that the waiter has refilled Lily's drink for the second time since they got here.

"I was starting to think you two ditched." CeCe comments.

"Trust me, the thought crossed my mind, but we did already order." Lily quips. Mother and daughter trade authentic grins and Rufus is tricked into believing that the ice has started to melt between the two.

Their food arrives at their table and the waiter hangs around to make sure everyone is satisfied. Lily takes a long swig of her drink before diving into her meal. Rufus is curious as to why Lily is still drinking, as if his warning meant nothing to her. CeCe can see how irritated Rufus looks at Lily and is interested as to what was discussed.

"So, how are things going?" CeCe asks. She thinks that if she can get the couple talking, more information will come to the surface. Lily furrows her eyebrows thinking that her mother is fishing.

"The child I had with Rufus that you told him about without my consent is dead and I was just raped. How the hell do you think things are going for me, mother?" Lily snatches up her drink and tips her head back until she can feel the liquid slithering all the way down her throat.

"Lily." Rufus says, reaching up and grabbing the glass from her hand, setting it down on the table. Lily is starting to get belligerently drunk and her words are beginning to mush together, making it hard to comprehend what she is saying.

"Your child is dead? I'm sorry I didn't know." Lily scoffs and attempts to rest her head on her hand, but ends up sliding it down her face.

"Imagine that, something that you didn't know."

"You are going to have to forgive me eventually, Lily."

Rufus is surprised that CeCe is remaining calm while Lily is continuously throwing insults at her. It is not in CeCe's nature to be stoic while her daughter is basically having a meltdown in public. Rufus is doing his best to manage the chaos, but there is not much he can do. Lily can choose what she wants to do regarding her relationship with her mother.

"I don't actually, you are toxic. I want you to leave me and my family alone." CeCe eyes drop to her food, desperately attempting to conceal the hurt look on her face.

"You can't just cut me out of your life, Lily. I'm your mother."

"I know, that's the worst part of it." Lily downs the rest of her drink and signals for another, but Rufus snags her hand, interlacing their fingers.

"Alright Lil, let's go." He stands up, tugging on her hand.

"I'm not done yet." Lily says. Rufus is not sure whether she is referring to her food or her verbal assault on CeCe.

"Let Rufus take you home, darling." CeCe softens when she sees what Rufus is trying to do. Lily sneers at her mother and reaches across the table to take CeCe's gin, drinking it defiantly. She lurches herself up, swaying slightly. Rufus swathes his arm around her waist and firmly clutches her hand. Lily does her best to resist Rufus' assistance, even going so far as to use her free hand to pry out of the death grip he has her in. He ignores her protests and rushes her out the door and into a cab, away from the media's prying eyes.

Rufus rattles off the penthouse address as he angrily slams the door to the cab. Lily has her head pressed up against the window of the taxi, her body is half slumped over. He can smell the alcohol wafting off her breath and rubs his temples. Rufus is furious with Lily for not respecting him enough to listen to his advice. He has been so patient and understanding towards his girlfriend since her attack that he is starting to think that she is using that to her advantage because she knows that he would feel too guilty to leave her. A part of him thinks that Lily would not be devastated if he decided that he did not want to be with her anymore.

"I forgot my clutch." Lily mumbles softly and turns to look at him. The glazed over look in her eyes is a tell-tale sign to him that she has had way too much to drink.

"We can get it tomorrow." Rufus mutters and continues his staring contest out the window. Lily frowns, wondering why he refuses to look at her.

"Are you mad at me?" He sighs, his shoulders slump over in exhaustion.

"Lil, I think we should talk about this tomorrow."

"You are mad at me, I can tell."

Trying to have a coherent discussion with Lily in her current state is pointless. He comprehends that Lily is in emotional turmoil right now, but she is always either crying hysterically or drinking herself into a stupor without dealing with any issues that her rape has brought up. Rufus is tired of her using her attack as an excuse to drink. She leans over and presses an over-exaggerated kiss on his cheek, separating with a loud smacking sound. Lily giggles, thinking that what she did was hysterical.

Thankfully, the ride back from the restaurant is short. The cab pulls to a stop and Rufus pays the fare, all while holding Lily's arm. She struggles against him, wanting to exit the vehicle.

"Jesus Lil, stop moving," Rufus snaps. Lily sticks her tongue out at him and then laughs. Rufus rolls his eyes, annoyed by her behavior. He is ready to drop her off at the penthouse and sleep at the loft tonight so he can take a much needed break from her.

Rufus exits the cab holding onto Lily's hand, ignoring all the questions thrown their way about the dinner they did not finish eating. Lily breaks from his embrace and trips, narrowly colliding with Vanya. The doorman waves, clearly bemused by Lily's behavior.

"Hi Vanya!" Lily exclaims, being way too loud for the hushed lobby.

"Hi Ms. Lily," Vanya responds, glancing over his shoulder to make sure that she is not alone. Rufus intervenes, coming up and hooking his arm around Lily's waist, relegating her to the elevators.

Once they step into the penthouse, Lily throws off her coat, tossing it aside aimlessly. Next, she struggles in attempting to whip off her heels. Rufus ends up begrudgingly assisting her and throws them in the direction of her coat.

Serena and Eric hear the commotion and come out of their rooms, meeting in the living room where Lily is collapsed on the couch. Rufus is standing near the kitchen with his arms crossed, guarded irritation chasing across his face. Serena sits next to her mother, catching a whiff of her alcohol-tainted breath. Her eyebrows rise and she understands why Rufus looks the way he does. They have seen Lily run through a gamut of emotions, with Rufus being on the frontline to dismantle her every time.

"Where's grandma? I thought she was coming over for desert." Eric asks, glancing around the penthouse in case he missed his grandmother come in after Rufus and Lily. Lily laughs and shrugs, holding her wrists out so her palms are up. Rufus bites his lip and irritably sighs.

"I don't know," Lily says. She reaches over and starts fiddling with Serena's hair. Serena eyes Rufus, silently asking if he is going to take control of the situation. She and Eric have never seen their mother this drunk before, but at least she is not crying.

"We left the restaurant early," Rufus adds, shooting an accusatory glare at Lily who is ambivalent.

"I'm hungry, are you guys hungry? We should order a pizza, let's order some pizza," Lily tells her kids and then jumps off the couch, crashing into some of the decorative pieces on the coffee table.

"I'll do it Lil, just stay put somewhere," Rufus says, knowing that Lily is going to realize again that she does not have her phone on her. Lily rolls her eyes and follows him into the kitchen.

"What the hell?" Serena whispers over to Eric, gesturing to their mother who is searching through the cabinets while Rufus is on the phone.

"I have no idea what is going on," Eric says.

After Rufus hangs up, he watches Lily, well aware of what she is looking for. She will not find any alcohol down here, all the remaining liquor is upstairs in her room. They polished off the Jack Daniels together and she threw the bottle of gin against the bathroom wall. The only booze left is the vodka that she could still get her hands on.

Lily abruptly stops and rests her hand on her forehead, closing her eyes. Rufus closes the gap between them, resting a hand on her uninjured shoulder.

"Hey, you okay?" Rufus asks, squeezing her shoulder affectionately. Lily shakes her head and runs to the sink, throwing up in it. Rufus grabs a cup, filling it with water when she is done heaving. "Here Lil, drink."

Lily coils her fingers around the glass, sipping the water as instructed. She sets the cup down on the counter and looks down, seeing a touch of puke on her dress.

"I need a shower," Lily declares. Rufus nods and laces his fingers with hers. They wordlessly pass Serena and Eric, who have a million questions sprouting on their lips. Rufus knows her kids are concerned about their mother, as is he, but he is thankful that they are not chasing after Lily to ask about her behavior. He is trying to encourage Lily to have an in-depth conversation with her children, but now would not be the appropriate time. She is opening up to the idea, but is not there quite yet.

"Should we…?" The question dies in Serena's mouth. She has no idea how they can help Rufus take care of Lily, but she still feels guilty that he is left with the responsibility.

"I don't think there is anything we can do," Eric says. Serena leans back into the couch cushions with a huff.

Upstairs, Rufus has been trying to aid Lily in stripping down so she can get in the shower, but she is being uncooperative.

"Do you want help or not?" Rufus asks after the fourth time she has attempted to take the dress off by flinging it over her head.

"I got this," Lily says and holds up her finger.

Rufus contemplates whether he should make an attempt at helping her again or just letting her figure it out for herself. He decides on the latter, leaving her to her own devices so he can check on the kids in the living room.

Serena and Eric are in the same spot where he left him with confused looks on their faces. He sits in between them, rubbing his face with this hands. Serena surprises him by setting a hand on his back.

"I'm guessing dinner didn't go well?" Serena asks quietly. Rufus shakes his head and lifts his head up.

"No, your mother did not react kindly to CeCe being at dinner."

"Is that why she is drunk?" Eric asks. Rufus nods, suddenly feeling like he should apologize on Lily's behalf. Her children should not have to see her like that and neither should he.

"Are you going to stay with her? I don't think she can do this by herself," Serena mutters. Rufus glances at the blonde teen, noticing how anxious she looks.

"I will do my best Serena, I don't have any intentions of leaving Lily alone." He almost regrets promising Lily's kids about not abandoning her when he had a plan to. However, seeing the relief flood both Serena and Eric's faces makes him confident that he made the right choice.

"I should go check on her. If the pizza comes, my wallet is on the counter." Rufus maneuvers around the children to head upstairs to the master bedroom. He does not hear the water running or anything coming from Lily, so he opens the door.

Lily is sitting on the tile floor, her back against the bathtub. She has succeeded in slipping her dress off, but she is still wearing her bra and underwear. In her hand is her prescribed bottle of Ambien, unopened.

Rufus is speechless and softly closes the door behind him. Lily sniffs and lifts her head up, breaking her staring contest with the bottle. He inches closer to her, sitting down, using the toilet as support for his back.

"I…couldn't…open it." Lily whispers as a tear slithers down her cheek. Rufus lets out a sigh of relief. He could have been walking into the bathroom to find Lily unconscious from a potential lethal cocktail of alcohol and Ambien.

"It's okay sweetheart, give it to me." Rufus reaches over, unwrapping her fingers that are clenching the pill bottle. Lily lets him, hugging her knees close to her chest as she softly cries. He is surprised that she gave up so easily since she is still drunk. Rufus has seen her in a myriad of drunken states. She has gone from bitter, transcending into upbeat and it has all gave way to an overwhelming depression.

He wants to believe that Lily was not actively trying to kill herself, but he does not honestly know. Her behavior has been so unpredictable lately, that it is hard to tell whether suicide was her desired end result.

Rufus rests his hand on Lily's shoulder, sensing her trembling beneath his flesh. He rubs her back, eyeing the bandage covering the wound on her shoulder and the bruises that color her lower back. He moves closer, bringing her head into the depths of his chests.

"I'm a mess," Lily says, her words still blending together as a side effect of the alcohol still remaining in her system. A smile teases Rufus' lips, but this situation is too serious to warrant it.

"Lil, something has to change. You seriously can't keep doing this." Rufus is not saying that to scold her or condescend, but because he is seriously worried about her well-being. He does not think that she will acknowledge his words tonight, let alone make a significant alteration to her life, but it is worth mentioning. Once she has been able to sleep off the alcohol, they can have a frank conversation about her seriously quitting drinking.

Lily sniffs and wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. She glances around, finding herself on this bathroom floor way too much the past few days. With Rufus' help, she clambers to her feet, wincing because of the ache in her back. She begins to slip off her bra, but he stops her.

"What are you doing? I want to take a shower," Lily reminds him. Rufus shakes his head, he really does not feel comfortable with leaving her by herself right now. She is incredibly vulnerable and he does not want to give her an opportunity to find the vodka or open the Ambien.

"You can take one in the morning," Rufus says, pushing her bra strap back onto her shoulder. Lily frowns and sticks her chin out defiantly. Rufus picks her up and carries her to the bed, ignoring her protests. He sets her down gently on the bed and watches her pull the covers up to her chin.

"I am not a child, Rufus. You don't need to carry me to bed."

Something about Lily's tone pisses Rufus off. It not exactly what she just said, but the way she said it. Everything that he has been doing for her is because he loves her and she has been acting ungrateful.

"I wouldn't have to if you weren't drunk again."

Lily freezes, glancing up at him with hurt laced into her eyes. He has never spoke to that way before and it terrifies her. They have not been on the best terms with each other all day, but she is offended by what he just said. She needs someone to be on her side, even if what he is saying is true.

Rufus bites his lip, waiting for a reaction from Lily. She is clearly baffled by what tumbled out of his mouth. He did not mean to say it that way, it just came out. He could have found a nicer way to say what he was thinking though.

"Why the hell are you still here then?"

"Do you want me to leave? Do you want to be alone?"

"I don't need you here to take care of me…but I want you here. Unless you don't want to be."

Rufus sits on the edge of the bed, contorting his body to look over at his girlfriend. Her eyes are shining in the moonlight, her complexion pale and her lips cherry red. The alcohol is leaving her body, but she is still in no condition to be left alone. Rufus knows that he is just using that as an excuse though, he could easily have one of the kids look after her. He wants to be with Lily, but not when she is being self-destructive like she has been tonight.

"I want you back."

He does not know any other way to put it because it is not just about her attack anymore, it is what the rape has done to her. Lily is not the same person as she was when they agreed to be together in that hotel room in Boston that day. It is not necessarily her fault and Rufus comprehends that, but what Lily is doing now is altering who she is and that is her choice.

"I want her back too."

His hand rises up to tuck an irate strand back behind her ear. Lily lets out a shaky breath, feeling the onslaught of tears. She does her best to combat them, but they overpower her.

Rufus watches her fall apart again, but does not rush to comfort her this time. He wants to see her calm herself down instead of him doing it for her. Rufus has been shouldering the majority of the burden when it is not him that needs to be fixed, it is her. Lily clamps down her lower lip, trying like hell to keep her tears at bay. She is not expecting his arms to bind around her or his voice to whisper comforts in her ear, but the fact that he is still here in her bedroom helps.

CeCe steps off the elevator, holding Lily's clutch close to her body. She is hoping that Rufus was able to get Lily back safely. CeCe does not thinking talking to her daughter right now would be the best option. It was abundantly clear at dinner that Lily needs to work on her issues surrounding her attack first and then they can talk.

"Hey grandma, what are you doing here?" Eric asks, swapping confused expressions with Serena.

"Your mother left this at the restaurant and I thought I would drop it off. Is she here?"

"Yeah, she and Rufus have been upstairs for a while. Did you see the pizza guy in the lobby?" CeCe furrows her eyebrows as she shakes her head.

Eric and Serena watch their grandmother head upstairs, both wondering if they should intervene. Rufus told them that dinner with CeCe did not go well so the kids are perplexed as to why she is here besides dropping off Lily's things.

CeCe stops outside of Lily's bedroom door and almost turns around. She does not know why she came here instead of just heading back to her hotel. Her hand reaches out to grip the doorknob, gently turning it to prop the door open slightly. In the dim lighting, she can spot Rufus and Lily in bed together. Rufus is holding Lily and soothingly rubbing circles on her back. Lily appears to be sleeping, but CeCe cannot tell from her angle.

Rufus glances up and locks eyes with CeCe. He tilts his head, curious as to why she is here after their dinner went so horribly wrong. CeCe holds up the Lily's clutch and gestures for him to get up. Carefully, Rufus extracts himself from the contours of Lily's body, meeting CeCe outside of the room.

"Let's go downstairs," Rufus whispers and closes the door behind him.

CeCe trails behind Rufus back into the living room. Eric and Serena have acquired the pizza and are eating it at the counter. Rufus grabs a slice before taking CeCe into the dining room to talk.

"I am guessing that Lily is asleep?" CeCe asks and makes a disgusted face at the food Rufus is eating.

"Yeah, she finally went to sleep about ten minutes ago."

There is an awkward pause in the conversation, where CeCe and Rufus both know what they want to say, but are trying to figure out the best way to phrase it.

"My daughter needs serious help Rufus and I don't think you are doing enough for her."

"You haven't been here enough to tell me that, CeCe."

Rufus is appalled that CeCe would have the nerve to tell him that he is not doing anything to assist Lily. She has been too concerned about keeping this fight between her and Lily going to realize that her daughter needed her.

"Fine, but I'm here now."

"Lily doesn't want you to be. I think it would be best if you would just stay away from her until she actually wants to speak to you. It's not fair to her that you keep forcing a connection."

"Ignoring her drinking problem won't make it go away, Rufus."

"And covering it up won't either, but now we are getting into your territory, aren't we?"

CeCe is impressed by how fiercely Rufus is defending Lily. Her daughter is lucky to have someone like him, but she will not ever tell Rufus that.

"Tell Lily that I would like to speak with her when she is ready. We can figure out somewhere to send her later."

"You are not carting Lily off to some rehab just so you don't have to deal. I won't let you."

CeCe merely nods and drops the clutch on the dining room table. She believes Rufus, but it is not necessarily up to him. Lily has done the same thing with Eric, she will see the benefits of checking in some place more than Rufus can.

"I'll be at the hotel."

Rufus watches CeCe leave and takes a deep breath. He does not blame Lily for not wanting to reestablish a relationship with her mother. He should have been more understanding when it came to that, but she still did not have to get drunk.

When he comes out of the dining room, Eric and Serena are staring at him with wide eyes. Rufus blushes, forgetting that children were there and probably heard every word that was said.

"Sorry kids, you didn't have to hear that," Rufus apologizes.

"No, it was awesome. Grandma is nuts and I think my mom would appreciate you taking her down a peg," Serena says to which Eric nods.

Rufus laughs and high fives both of Lily's children. He is happy that they are both on his side, it makes things a lot easier. The three of them enjoy another piece of pizza before Rufus goes back into Lily's room.

He climbs under the covers and slings his arm around Lily protectively. She immediately responds, cocooning herself into him. He brushes a kiss to the back of her head and closes his eyes, feeling himself drift off.

Early the next morning, Rufus rolls over, forgetting that Lily is most likely still curled up next to him. His eyes shoot open when he hears the rustle of paper underneath him, rather than his girlfriend.

Lily is not in bed, the bathroom light is off and she is not in the closet. Rufus snatches up the piece of paper that was left in her place and reads it.

**You deserve better. I love you.**

**-L.**

"Goddamn it, Lily." Rufus mutters and throws the covers off of him, needing to check downstairs even though he knows she will not be there.

**A/N 2: That's it for now! I want you guys to help me with this. How pissed should Rufus be? How does CeCe play into this? What will Lily be like when she is found? All your comments provide me with wonderful ideas that I can run with, so don't stop with them! Thanks for reading and I will be quick with an update on this or **_**Flawed and Fragmented**_**.**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: You guys are incredible! Thank you so much for all of your lovely ideas and comments for this story, I love how much everyone wants to contribute. Honestly, it was very difficult to piece this chapter together, but I hope I did you all justice. This chapter starts before the previous one ended, enjoy!**

**Chapter Thirteen**

_Okay Lily, breathe, just breathe. It was a nightmare. Open your eyes and look at Rufus. _Lily repeats this mantra until her eyes flutter open, releasing her from the captivity of her nightmare. Jack had her at knifepoint in the penthouse, but Rufus could not do anything to save her, nobody could. She was trapped by Jack who had every intention of raping her again.

Sure enough, when Lily opens her eyes, Rufus is sleeping soundly next to her, his light snores are the only sound echoing through the master bedroom. She exhales, putting her free hand over her throbbing head, the other is entangled in Rufus'. Lily is hung over and does not remember how she ended up in her bed dressed in only a bra and underwear. Fragments of the horrible dinner she had to endure with CeCe and Rufus are coming back to her, but there is not enough to piece together a concrete timeline of last night.

Lily reaches over, expecting her cell phone to be resting on the night stand like it usually is, but her hand only hits the wood. She sits up slightly, trying not to jar Rufus in any way. He does not need to wake up and see her like this. However much she drank last night, whatever she did or said, she is certain that he did not deserve any of it. Lily is positive that he had to take care of her _again, _just like he has had to do ever since her attack. All she has ever been to him is a burden. Rufus deserves a lot better than someone who hid a child from him and then was raped by her dead ex-husband's brother because she hijacked Bass Industries from him. She has been self-destructing for a long time and has been dragging Rufus down with her.

Lily has to leave, she needs time away from everyone to think about what she wants to do. Rufus needs to understand that being with her is not going to benefit him in any way. She has to do this to make a point. Even if it is selfish, her motive behind leaving is ironically self-sacrificing.

She quietly slips out of bed and creeps into the adjoining closet to throw some clothes on. Her back aches, as it always does when she first wakes up in the morning. Lily clamps down on her cheek until she can taste blood in her mouth. If Rufus wakes up, her plan will unravel and he will either persuade her to join him in bed or be irritated by her attempt to leave. After getting dressed, Lily gathers up everything she needs and starts writing a note for Rufus.

She stares at the piece of paper, trying to string the right words together. Lily rocks back and forth on her feet, watching Rufus stir a little bit. She panics and writes whatever pops into her head. She places it on the bed where her body should be and presses a swift kiss to Rufus cheek.

"I'm so sorry," Lily whispers, her voice thick with emotions. She leaves her room, closing the door softly behind her and sneaks downstairs so she can take the elevator.

A short time later, Rufus rolls over, forgetting that Lily is most likely still curled up next to him. His eyes shoot open when he hears the rustle of paper underneath him, rather than his girlfriend.

Lily is not in bed, the bathroom light is off and she is not in the closet. Rufus snatches up the piece of paper that was left in her place and reads it.

**You deserve better. I love you.**

**-L.**

"Goddamn it, Lily." Rufus mutters and throws the covers off of him, needing to check downstairs even though he knows she will not be there. Sure enough, the living room and kitchen are void of Lily. She is gone, without warning, again.

Rufus clutches the note in his hand, debating what the best course of action would be. Calling the police would not be the wisest choice, since they would either not care or treat Lily like someone who escaped an insane asylum. She does not have her phone on her since her clutch is still sitting on the dining room table where CeCe left it. Lily would not bother her kids, who are most likely sleeping soundly in their bedrooms, entirely unaware that their mother is missing. The children are eventually going to wake up and wonder where Lily is and Rufus will have no choice but to tell them.

Rufus heads back upstairs, wanting to think for a second as to where Lily might have gone. He walks into her closet to check to see if any of her suitcases are missing, but they are all there. Next, Rufus checks the bathroom and freezes. Lily completely trashed the bathroom, all of her stuff is strewn about the counter and floor. He hesitantly goes into the bathroom, kicking stuff out of his way the deeper he gets. The door to the medicine cabinet is swinging on its hinges, the contents are poured onto the counter below.

"Shit," Rufus whispers and frantically starts searching for something he knows is gone.

_"I…couldn't…open it." Lily whispers as a tear slithers down her cheek. Rufus lets out a sigh of relief. He could have been walking into the bathroom to find Lily unconscious from a potential lethal cocktail of alcohol and Ambien. _

_ "It's okay sweetheart, give it to me." Rufus reaches over, unwrapping her fingers that are clenching the pill bottle. _

Rufus hid the sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet after he confiscated them from Lily. He was genuinely terrified that Lily would try to overdose on them. She must have found them when she ransacked the bathroom before she left. A knot twists in Rufus' stomach and he races to the nightstand on his side of the bed. The vodka that he hid from her is still there, which provides a tinge of relief. At least Lily is sober, even though she has the Ambien.

Sadly, Rufus realizes that there is nothing he can do to help Lily. It does not even seem like she wants anyone's assistance. He did not do anything to make her leave, it was her choice. She chose to abandon him and her children, knowing exactly how they would react to waking up without her.

Rufus slams the drawer to the nightstand, furious by Lily's selfish behavior. If and when she returns, he is not going to be as compassionate and forgiving as he was the last time. Lily needs some serious help and he is hoping that she will be able to receive it. Otherwise, he might be forced to finally leave her until she can realize that what she has been doing has not been working.

Lily shivers and brings in the lapels of Serena's jacket she snatched closer to her trembling frame. The Ambien is resting safely in her pocket, but Lily does not want to take some just yet. She has no idea what her intended destination is or how long she wants this pilgrimage to last. When she left last time after kicking Rufus out, she was drunk and angry. Now, she is sober, all the rage and sorrow she feels seems to be intensified.

Lily realizes that eventually Rufus is going to wake up and come searching for her, it is only a matter of time. He has no way to contact her, but when she is ready, she will return home.

Rufus paces the perimeter of Lily's master bedroom. He should wake up the kids before they figure their mother is gone for themselves. Also, CeCe should be notified, even if it will infuriate Lily. However, Rufus realizes he does not care how Lily feels right now. It was her choice to leave and he has the right to do everything he can to bring her back.

He leaves the confines of the bedroom, heading downstairs to knock on Eric and Serena's bedroom doors. Rufus waits in the living room for Lily's kids to wake themselves up and join him.

"Rufus…what is going on?" Serena complains, not appreciating being woken up early on. Eric rubs his eyes, noticing that something is off with his mother's boyfriend. Rufus looks terrified, a far cry from the pissed off expression he was wearing last night.

"Where's mom? Is she okay?" Eric asks, glancing over Rufus' shoulder in case his mother is hiding behind him. Rufus sighs and sits down on the couch, with his head buried in his hands.

Serena and Eric trade nervous glances, wondering if something happened last night or this morning while they were sleeping. Serena and Eric sit on either side of Rufus, waiting patiently for him to elaborate.

"Rufus, where is my mom?" Serena asks, with a little more force in her tone than her brother. Rufus lifts his head up and his eyes shift from Eric and then to Serena.

"I don't know. She took off this morning and left me this," Rufus says and sets the note Lily gave him on the coffee table. Serena gasps and snatches up the note. Eric lets out an irritated sigh and bangs his head against the back of the couch.

"What does this mean? Do you think she will kill…?" Serena cannot even complete her sentence. She does not want to think the worst, but before last Friday, she would not have to. The last time her mother left, she broke a bathroom mirror and snatched up a bottle of Jack Daniels to drink in the rain. Eric's eyes widen at his sister's question, her thought did not even enter his mind. Both of the children look to Rufus, thinking that if anyone would know their mother's intentions, it would be him.

"No, your mother would not do that," Rufus says, but realizes that he does not sound very convincing. Lily's kids do not need to know that their mother confiscated her sleeping pills, they would only freak out more. He blames himself for leaving the Ambien in such a reachable spot. Rufus was a little too preoccupied with a drunk Lily to worry about finding a better hiding place for the sleeping pills. The one positive that he is clinging onto is that she does not have access to alcohol that he knows of.

"How do you know?" Eric asks, hating himself for even asking.

"Your mother loves you two very much and she would never put that in jeopardy. We just have to wait until she comes back."

"Do you think this has to do with grandma coming?" Serena asks. Rufus cringes, he forgot that he should contact CeCe. Serena brings up a good point, Lily could be rebelling because of her mother resurfacing in New York.

"I have no idea, it could be. I should call your grandmother, maybe she could help us find Lil."

Lily ends up sitting at a bench in Central Park, blankly staring at joggers circling the trails. She has no concept of time, or long since she left the penthouse. A shiver barrels through her spine and Lily swears as her back bangs up against the wooden bench. The sound of her pills jiggling in her pocket capture her attention. Lily digs the pills out of her pocket, staring at the label.

_Just take one Lily and pass out for a while. Someone will find you eventually. One pill will not hurt you. _

Lily unscrews the cap, pouring one pill into her hand. She rolls it around in her hand, debating whether she should swallow the Ambien. Lily pops the pill in her mouth and then brings the cap to her lips, letting several more capsules drop into her mouth. Her eyes fill with tears as she tries to swallow. Lily finds herself not being able to as she thinks of her kids and Rufus, how devastated they would be to discover her dead body on a park bench.

She spits out all the pills and shoves the bottle of Ambien back into her jacket pocket. Lily lets out a deep breath as tears slither down her cheeks. If there was ever a time that she admitted to needing help, now would be it. Lily needs Natalie, her therapist would be willing to assist her through her latest breakdown.

After talking it over with Serena and Eric, Rufus snatches up his phone from upstairs. He comes back down, dialing CeCe's cell phone number and waits for her to answer.

"Hello? Who is this?" CeCe asks.

"CeCe, its Rufus."

"Okay…why are you calling me? Where's Lily?"

"I think you should come to the penthouse, it's about Lily."

"What is going on? I left you guys less than twelve hours ago."

"I will tell you when you get here, just do this please."

Rufus hangs up the phone without waiting for a response. He shakes his head and sits back on the couch next to the kids.

"There's a reason we only see grandma every so often," Serena quips.

"I love your mother very much, but I hope she never turns into CeCe," Rufus admits to the kids. Eric and Serena both nod in agreement, smiling a little.

Lily has somehow found her way to Natalie's office. She is standing outside, hesitating to enter the building. Lily is well aware that she should and need to seek out the therapist's counsel, but she is scared of what will come of this. Natalie might decide to commit her since this is the second time that Lily has left the penthouse without anyone knowing. Also, Lily is pretty sure that Natalie will discover the pills sooner or later. Lily will probably end up admitting to attempting to take the more than recommended dose of Ambien, which will only make Natalie more skeptical about her safety.

Lily lets out a deep breath and grasps the handle of the door, tugging it open gently. She steps inside the office building, inching her way towards the receptionist desk. Lily bites her lip and looks down when someone makes eye contact with her, afraid that she will be recognized.

CeCe arrives at the penthouse quickly after Rufus called. Serena, Eric and Rufus are still sitting on the couch, helpless and frightened by the disappearance of Lily.

"Well, don't you all look happy?" CeCe comments as she slips off her jacket, depositing it on the chair next to her. Serena and Eric roll their eyes behind their grandmother's back, while Rufus clears his throat.

"CeCe, can I get you anything? Coffee? Gin? Coffee and gin?" Rufus asks, trying to ease into the conversation he knows he has to have with Lily's mother. It is not going to be pleasant, but nothing regarding CeCe ever is. _I'm doing this because I love Lily and I want her to come home safe. Even if I have to sit here and listen to CeCe's bitching until that happens. _Rufus tells himself as he walks to the kitchen to refill his coffee mug for the third time since he woke up this morning.

"I'll have some coffee, but I have my own gin, Rufus." CeCe looks around, wondering why Serena and Eric are sitting in the living room with Rufus. More importantly, she is curious as to why everyone is here, but Lily. "Where's my daughter? Is she too mad at me to come down or is she still sleeping off her hangover?"

Rufus lets an awkward silence wash over the room while he grabs coffee for him and CeCe. Luckily, the children defer to Rufus instead of answering for themselves.

"I don't know where Lily is. That's why I wanted you to come here, to see if you could help find her," Rufus explains as he is walking back into the living room. He passes CeCe a mug and sits back on the couch.

"What the hell do you mean you don't know where she is? You lost her?"

"Lil isn't a child, she is a grown woman that chose to leave without telling anyone. I woke up this morning and there was a note where she was supposed to be."

"See, this is exactly what I was talking about yesterday, she needs to go somewhere to get better."

Before Rufus can open his mouth to defend Lily again, Serena already has it covered.

"I don't think mom would appreciate being sent somewhere, grandma. Shouldn't we find her first before we talk about that?"

"You are right dear, I will make a couple calls." CeCe thinks that it is in Lily's best interest that she agrees to being sent to a wellness center for a while. Lily is destroying her reputation that she has spent countless number of years building. CeCe will do whatever it takes to get her daughter back on the right track even if she has to fight Rufus every step of the way.

"You aren't listening to me, I need to see Natalie, now," Lily demands to the receptionist. She has finally worked up the courage to seek out her therapist and does not appreciate being stonewalled by the receptionist.

"I'm sorry Dr. Cormier is with a patient, I can't let you go back there. Do you want to schedule an appointment with her? It looks like her next open time slot would be tomorrow at three," The receptionist tells Lily.

Lily sighs and shakes her head, obviously this young woman behind the desk does not understand the urgency behind her tone. She does not want to come back to see Natalie, she needs to see her now.

"No, I don't have time for that. Tell Natalie that Lily is here, please."

"I'm sorry, you need to make an appointment. I can't let you interfere with her current sessions."

Lily rolls her eyes and bypasses the receptionist entirely, walking briskly to Natalie's office, ignoring protests from the receptionist.

"…it will take time, Katherine…" Natalie trails off when the door to her office unexpectedly opens. Lily is standing in the threshold of the door and Diane, Natalie's receptionist is behind her.

"Lily?" Natalie asks, baffled that out of all patients, Lily is the one barging into her office. The therapist would never guess that would be something Lily would do. It seems too improper and juvenile for Lily.

"I told her that she needs to make an appointment, but she insisted on seeing you right away," Diane complains.

"I'm sorry, I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't important Natalie," Lily says.

"What's going on? I still have ten minutes, right?" Katherine asks.

"Diane, tell my next appointment that we are going to have to reschedule. And make sure you waive their fee for their next appointment. Lily, would you mind waiting in the waiting room until I'm done? Legally, I can't have you in here while another patient's session is going on."

Lily nods, a blush flourishing on her cheeks. She did not mean to cause a scene, which is exactly what she did.

"You know what? I shouldn't have come here. I don't want to disrupt your day, I'll just come back for my appointment later on. I'm sorry for bothering you," Lily says. Natalie immediately starts shaking her head, she is going to do her best to convince Lily to hang around because she is guessing that Rufus has no idea where his girlfriend is currently.

"No, stay. I'm just asking for ten minutes and then we can talk."

Lily gives Natalie a clipped nod and then closes the door to her therapist's office. She follows Diane back to the waiting room and snags a magazine off the table, pretending to read it until Natalie comes to grab her.

"Lily Bass? Is there anyone there by that name?" Rufus asks the person over the phone. He has been secretly checking hospitals on the off-chance that Lily did actually go through with taking the Ambien. Even though he is hoping that she has not been picked up by an ambulance, at least it would give him solace that she is somewhere safe. "No? Okay, thanks for checking." He does not want to alarm the kids or CeCe.

"Rufus? Did you find anything?" Serena asks when she tracks Rufus to Bart's old office. She can tell that Rufus is keeping secrets, something that Bart did for the entirety of her mother's marriage.

"No, I was just calling Eleanor just in case she has heard from Lil." Serena quirks an eyebrow, not believing Rufus. Eleanor and Lily are friends, but they are not that close. Rufus is obviously lying to her because he does not want her to know about something regarding Lily.

"What aren't you telling me? Please don't be like Bart," Serena says, watching Rufus cringe at her statement. He does not want to admit to Serena about the pills, but he does not want to lie either.

"I'm sorry Serena, your mother was prescribed Ambien and I don't know where it is." Serena looks appropriately frightened, but it only reaffirms the fact that they need to find Lily.

"Oh my God, does grandma know?"

"No and she doesn't need to. Lily will be fine, we just need to find her."

Serena nods, she is grateful for Rufus' honestly, something Bart never possessed when it came to her and Eric. However, she is not so sure that Rufus is right about her mother being okay.

Natalie bids farewell to Katherine and is contemplating her next move. She should probably call Rufus and let him know that she has Lily. That might set Lily off and make her not trust either of them. Although, if she can convince Rufus that it is in Lily's best interest to stay with Natalie.

Rufus is waiting with CeCe, Eric and Serena in the living room when his cell phone rings. He jumps at it, recognizing the number immediately. A sigh of relief escapes his lips and he answers the call, ignoring questioning glances from everyone else.

"Natalie? Why are calling me? Listen, I can't really talk right now," Rufus says with exasperation.

"I know and I know why. Lily is here."

"Wait? What?"

"She is hopefully still in the waiting room."

"How did she end up there?"

"I have no idea, Rufus, what is going on?"

"I woke up this morning and she was gone. I can come and get her."

"No, I want to talk to her first. I will be happy to drop her off when she is ready."

Rufus bites his lip, Natalie is right. He just wants confirmation that Lily is safe.

"I just want to talk to her, make sure she is okay."

"I don't think that's a good idea. Please Rufus, just trust me with this."

He does not know whether he should argue back or negotiate with Natalie. Rufus realizes that Lily trusts Natalie otherwise she would not have run to her office. Plus, Rufus has to remind himself that Lily chose to leave him this morning and he should be angrier at her than he feels. Concern for her safety has overridden that, but now that he knows that she is good hands, he can feel some of that dormant fury return.

"Alright, fine, we will do this your way, just help her."

"I will, don't worry, Rufus. I will drop Lily off at the penthouse later on."

Natalie hangs up the phone with Rufus and goes back to the waiting room. To her surprise, Lily is still sitting on the couch. Natalie calls her back and they walk into her office together.

Rufus comes back into the living room, where CeCe, Serena and Eric are waiting.

"Well?" CeCe asks.

"Lily is safe, she is fine," Rufus tells the group, hearing a collective sigh of relief.

"Where is she?" Serena asks.

Rufus rocks back and forth on his feet. He does not want to disclose to Lily's children and mother that Lily is seeing a therapist. That is not something of his that he should share.

"She's…with a friend."

"Okay…that sounds very specific. Do we know when she is going to be back with this friend?" CeCe asks. Rufus went from panicking to eerily calm in a matter of minutes. It almost seems like he is brushing off the seriousness of the situation.

"I'm not sure, but she will be back later, that's all I know."

Lily sits down in her usual spot in Natalie's office. She is grateful that her therapist moved her schedule around for her, but Lily is not sure she has the mental capacity for a session. Rufus is undoubtedly looking for her and he is more than likely getting furious with her for disappearing so brusquely.

Natalie grabs Lily's file before she sits down. She is trying to get a read on her patient's emotions. What drove her to come here? What happened since they last saw each other?

Lily is fidgeting with a pillow next to her, something she always does while waiting for Natalie to gather her thoughts.

"I'm not here for a session," Lily admits quietly. Natalie had a feeling Lily would say that.

"Why did you come to see me then? I am a therapist, sessions are what I do." Natalie tries to keep her tone non-judgmental, she does not want to deter Lily away from talking.

Lily abruptly gets up and goes over to the coat she ditched when she first stepped into Natalie's office. She can sense Natalie tracking her every movement, but she needs to do this. The Ambien is resting at the bottom of her pocket and Lily snatches it up. She thrusts it in Natalie's hand and sits back down in the chair.

Natalie stares at it, noticing how many pills are missing. Then, she glances up at Lily. Lily is glaring at her and waiting for some sort of response from the psychiatrist.

"How many of these did you take?" Natalie asks, hoping that she is assembling the pieces wrong. She is hoping that Lily did not try to take her own life. Natalie doubt it though because Lily would still be unconscious.

Lily's eyes fill with tears, she feels ashamed for what she did in the park earlier. She should have taken all of them like she planned, but she could not go through with it.

"I didn't take any. I-I put them in my mouth and I spit them out. Why did you even give them to me?"

Natalie chews on her lower lip, clueless as how she should proceed. It sounds like Lily is blaming her for prescribing the Ambien.

"What do mean? I gave them to you because I thought they would help." Taking on a defensive tone with Lily will not help anyone. Lily is clearly looking for anyone but herself to blame for her newfound dependence on Ambien.

"Yeah, well they don't. I don't want them." Lily's voice drops to a whisper as more tears trickle down the arc in her cheek.

Natalie is surprised by Lily's admission. The therapist wants to believe that Lily was not intentionally trying to kill herself, but she is not quite sure yet. Natalie thinks that this was Lily's way of escaping. She knows, by Lily's own words, that her patient has a dependency on alcohol, but maybe it extends to pills as well.

"Why did you spit them out?" Natalie avoids using the phrase, 'why did you try to kill yourself?' She wants to keep conversation flowing between her and Lily. Accusing Lily of attempting to commit suicide will not work in her favor.

"What?" Lily was not expecting that question from Natalie.

"You said that you tried, but you spit them out. What stopped you?"

"Rufus. My kids."

"Why didn't you do it for yourself?"

"I don't want to talk about this. I want to go home, Rufus has probably called the police by now."

"I just spoke to him, but if you want to go that's fine, I'll take you."

Natalie is letting Lily run away from this for now. There is a lot of issues they have brought up and abandoned during their sessions. It is the best way to conduct business with Lily. She needs control and Natalie is willing to give that to her, as long as Lily comprehends that prolonging these problems will only lead to more sessions.

Lily tilts her head, wondering why her therapist and Rufus are talking to each other. She was hoping to use Rufus as an excuse to leave, but Natalie has her trapped.

There is no way Natalie is letting Lily walk out the door by herself. Especially not after her patient just admitted to spitting out at least five sleeping pills, which is enough to overdose. Although, this time Lily is sober, something that Natalie does not understand. Last time Lily went off the rails, she was drunk. Why is she not now? The only thing Natalie can think of is when Lily left, there was no possible way that she could get her hands on alcohol, so she substituted with the pills.

"Fine, let's go," Lily is willing to do this Natalie's way for now. She grabs her coat and Natalie does the same. Before Lily leaves, she hands Natalie the Ambien.

Natalie takes the pill bottle out of Lily's hands. The therapist sets them on her desk. She agrees with Lily's assessment. It is not a good idea for Lily to have her hands on lethal narcotics for the time being. When Lily is more stable, then Natalie will refill the prescription if that is what her patient wants. Taking away the Ambien will minimize the risk of Lily doing something to hurt herself. However, when Lily has her back turned, Natalie grabs a syringe of Haldol, a sedative that she will use only if deemed necessary.

"Are you ready to go?" Lily asks with annoyance laced into her voice. She does not need her therapist escorting her back to the penthouse, she is more than capable of doing that herself.

"Yeah, after you, I have to lock up."

Lily steps outside the office and waits while Natalie gathers her things, locking the door afterwards.

"Diane, cancel everything I have for the rest of the day. I will be reachable on my cell phone if any of my patients need to get a hold of me."

Lily and Natalie slip into a cab, with Lily providing the address to her penthouse.

"This is really unnecessary. I can go back by myself."

"I know you can, but I want to go with you."

Lily leans back in the seat with a huff. As the taxi is bringing her back home, Lily is astonished by how far she walked and did not realize it. She is curious as to how Rufus is going to act towards her when she gets home. He could be furious and not even want to speak with her, which Lily would understand. This coupled with what happened last night is more than grounds for him to break up with her. She just hopes Rufus can comprehend that this has nothing to do with him and everything to do with herself.

"Rufus will forgive you," Natalie whispers over to Lily as the taxi stops in front of the penthouse. Lily is silent as Natalie pays the cab driver, seeing as Lily does not have any money. Natalie steps out right away while Lily hovers. The paparazzi are already swarming, waiting to assault Lily with intrusive questions. She wishes that Natalie was not with her so there was no possibility of the two of them being photographed together. Someone is going to figure out that Natalie is a psychiatrist and is there because Lily is a patient.

"Mrs. Bass! Lily!" The photographers shout at Lily as she brushes past them. Luckily, Vanya is there to open the door and quickly usher Natalie and Lily into the apartment complex.

"Ms. Lily, Mr. Rufus has been calling down here all day. He has been so worried about you," Vanya says. Lily melts a little at the concern Rufus has for her. It is comforting to know that someone cares for her as much as she does.

"Thank you Vanya," Lily tells him and brings Natalie over to the elevators.

When Natalie and Lily step off the elevator, they are greeted by Rufus, CeCe, Eric and Serena. Natalie notices Lily tense up immediately and wonders why. Eric and Serena approach Lily to hug her, relief ensconced in their features. Lily accepts the hug, grateful that she gave herself the opportunity to be able to see her children again.

Natalie glances over at Rufus, who is not rushing to embrace Lily like she expected him to. She does not blame Rufus for hesitating, but she is afraid how Lily is going to take the slight rejection from him. Natalie is glad that Lily accepted affection from her children so readily, especially Eric.

Rufus hangs back with CeCe while Serena and Eric have their moment with Lily. He is glad that Natalie was able to bring Lily back, but he is still irritated with Lily for leaving in the first place. CeCe has her arms crossed and Rufus is really starting to regret asking her to come here. He senses a repeat of what happened yesterday between mother and daughter. Hopefully, Natalie can help disarm Lily so he does not have to do it alone.

Serena and Eric look at each other, both agreeing that they should not be here for whatever is about to happen. They have no clue who Lily came back with, but their mother looks pissed.

"Mom, I think we are going to go, we promised Jenny and Dan that we would eat lunch with them," Serena lies for her and Eric. Lily nods in understanding, she has some choice words for her mother and she would rather not have the kids here for that.

"Of course my darling, have fun and tell Jenny and Dan we say hi."

"Bye Rufus," Serena and Eric say and get in the elevator. Rufus waves back to the kids.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Lily asks CeCe asks as soon as the elevator doors close. "I thought I made myself clear yesterday."

Natalie is caught off guard and is trying to play catch up. She is guessing that the other woman that is here with them is Lily's mother. It would make sense given how Lily locked up as soon as they stepped off the elevator. Natalie is going to keep quiet for now, letting this play out a little longer so she can better analyze the situation.

"Lily, don't do this now," Rufus steps in. He does not have the strength to play the intermediary like he was doing yesterday. Lily glares at Rufus, warning him not to interfere, but he is not backing down this time.

"Alright darling, you proved your point. Now will you please stop acting like a child and get yourself together?"

Lily lets out a bitter chuckle as she shakes her head.

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I embarrassing you? Hmm….?"

Rufus glances at Natalie, questioning whether he should intervene on this or not. Since she isn't, he is guessing that she would not want him to either. He is not going to defend Lily, whatever she wants to do is fine with him. Whatever happens, he has to have a serious conversation about their relationship because it cannot continue like this.

CeCe is not fazed by this, she and Lily have had worse arguments when Lily was a teenager.

"We can send you somewhere that will get you better."

Lily quirks an eyebrow, knowing that her mother is serious since she has done it before.

"Oh? Are you going to 'take care' of me just like you did to my son with Rufus? That is your specialty after all, isn't it mother? Should we prepare a statement for the press?"

A blush flourishes on CeCe's cheeks. She is not used to her daughter airing deep family secrets to strangers. CeCe is still unsure of who the woman with Lily is, but Rufus seems to know who she is. Speaking of Rufus, he is standing quietly by Natalie, waiting for some kind of cue from her.

"I thought your rebellious years were behind you."

"Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, mother."

Natalie has never heard Lily speak about her mother and now she knows why. She is getting a front row seat to years of tension exploding between the two women. Rufus seems to be used to this to some degree because he is not as perplexed by this.

"Lily, can I talk to you for a second, upstairs?" Rufus asks, giving her a much needed reprieve from arguing with CeCe.

Lily purses her lips and nods. She should provide an explanation as to why she left and what she did. It does not seem Rufus is going to be as sympathetic to her return as he was last time. Not that Lily blames him, if the roles were reversed, she would not be either.

"Fine, let's go." Lily follows Rufus up to her bedroom, slamming the door behind them.

Back downstairs, Natalie all of the sudden feels shut out. She is left with Lily's mother who is annoyed by her daughter's behavior. Natalie can sympathize with Lily, she knows what it is like to have a critical mother.

"Who the hell are you?" CeCe asks Natalie. She is not familiar with a lot of Lily's friends, but this woman seems to be here in a professional capacity rather than a personal one.

"I'm Dr. Cormier." Natalie extends a hand to CeCe, who does not shake her hand.

"CeCe Rhodes, Lily's mother. Are you my daughter's shrink?"

"I prefer the term psychiatrist."

Rufus crosses an arms across his chest, waiting for an explanation from Lily.

"Lil, what is going on with you?"

"I…just needed to get away for a while, I didn't mean anything bad by it."

"So you took the sleeping pills you tried to kill yourself with yesterday for what? Fun?"

Lily flinches, she knows that Rufus' patience with her has finally run out. He is not satisfied with a simple explanation anymore.

"I was not trying to commit suicide, why don't you understand that?"

"I want to believe you, but you keep acting like you do. The drinking, the pills, the disappearing, how could I not think that?"

"I don't need this from you. I already have enough to deal with, especially with my mother being here, which she wouldn't be today if you hadn't invited her."

"What the fuck was I supposed to do Lily? Stop using your mother as an excuse to self-destruct. We both know that has been happening long before she came to New York."

"I know you want to leave me, so just do it! You are scared to though because you think I need you."

Rufus steps closer to her, causing Lily to take a cautionary step back. She hates it when people invade her personal space, something Jack did when he raped her.

"You do need me. And I don't want to leave you honey, but you make it so goddamn easy to."

Lily nods, her eyes shining with unshed tears. Rufus is essentially breaking up with her and she has nobody to blame but herself. She turns away from him, intent on leaving him so she does not have to watch him gather his things.

Rufus reaches out, grabbing her wrist where the bruises from the attack resided. He was expecting her to stay and fight for them, but he can tell that he broke her. All the tenacity was sucked out of her, leaving her hollow.

Lily's breath catches in her throat when Rufus grabbed her. Jack did the same thing to her when she was trying to leave that night.

"NO!" Lily screams and pushes Rufus away from her with all of her strength. Her mind is throwing her back to the powder room again. Rufus slams against the wall and knocks over a painting that was hanging. He watches Lily slink down to the floor, her hands covering her ears.

_"You are not going anywhere you stupid bitch!" Jack yells as his hand coils around Lily's wrist, pulling her back towards him. Lily squirms and uses her free hand to attempt to break free of Jack's death grip. His hand moves from her wrist to the back of her head, grabbing onto the back of her head. _

_ Lily screams in pain and her hands fly up to where Jack is holding onto her. Jack throws her against the wall, his breath spilling onto her cheek. _

_ "Let me go," Lily whispers. Jack smiles at her and thrusts his lips onto hers. Lily struggles as he starts bending her over the counter. Her back protests the position and she desperately tries to stand up straight. Jack releases her hair and slaps her across the face._

_ "Don't tell me what to do," Jack yells in her ear. He grabs both of her wrists with one hand so he can unzip his pants with the other. _

"Natalie!" Rufus shouts from the bedroom. Lily has curled herself into a ball, exposing her back. She still has her hands over her ears, but she is not crying. Both Natalie and CeCe come into the bedroom. CeCe gasps at the marks on Lily's back, she did not think her daughter's rape was that extensive.

"What happened?" Natalie asks Rufus, keeping her eyes trained on Lily.

"I think she is having another flashback."

Natalie nods and moves closer to Lily.

"Lily, can you hear me? Lily, do you know where you are?"

Hearing nothing from Lily, Natalie inches towards her, gently resting a hand on Lily's knee, making sure her patient can see the contact. Lily panics and jolts to her feet, backing Natalie into a corner, reaching her hand up to presumably slap her therapist away. Rufus grabs Lily from behind, feeling her struggle against him.

"NO! Stop Jack, you are hurting me!" Lily screams, kicking and punching in an attempt to free herself from Rufus' grip.

"Hold her still!" Natalie shouts.

"I'm sorry Lil," Rufus whispers in her ear and tightens his hold on her so it is easier to restrain her. Lily is fighting him every step of the way. Rufus is surprised by how strong she is. He gestures to Natalie to hurry up with whatever she is planning to do before Lily breaks free.

"Don't do this to me Jack!" Lily yells, choking on a sob that bubbles in her throat.

Natalie uses the opportunity to reach into her bag, pulling out the needle and jabbing Lily in the thigh. Lily goes limp in Rufus' arms a few seconds later.

CeCe stands back in horror over what she just watched. Rufus gently sets an unconscious Lily down on the bed, letting a tear roll down his cheek. He hopes he never has to do this again.

"I'm so sorry Rufus, I couldn't predict what she was going to do," Natalie whispers. "It didn't know if she was going to harm me or herself."

"S…s…she called me J...Jack," Rufus mumbles, using the back of his hand to catch his tear.

"She didn't know where she was or what she was doing. The flashbacks are a side effect of PTSD. Don't blame yourself for this, you did exactly what you were supposed to do."

"What did you give her?" CeCe asks, causing Rufus and Natalie to jump. They were unaware that CeCe was still in the room.

"Haldol, it's a sedative. She will be out for a few hours and most likely have no memory of what just happened when she wakes up."

Rufus still has not said much, he is just looking down at Lily resting on the bed. He skates his fingers through her silky blonde hair. He is still furious with her for everything she has said and done to him, but all that he can feel right now is sympathy. Her flashbacks of her rape are so vivid that she loses control of all of her senses. She genuinely had no idea that she was about to slap Natalie, thinking that she was Jack. He has been on the receiving end of one of her flashbacks before, but Lily was able to pull herself out of it. For whatever reason, she was unable to this time.

"We should probably talk," Natalie mumbles to Rufus and CeCe.

CeCe leaves the room, unable to see Lily like this anymore. She had no idea her daughter was in so much pain, mentally and physically. Lily did not tell her about the bruises on her back or the mental anguish she has been dealing with for the past week because of Jack. CeCe has to work even harder to repair the damage she caused by going behind her daughter's back to Rufus. Fighting with Lily is not helping her in any way, it is just making her more out-of-control.

Rufus glances at Natalie, who looks a little shaken up. He wonders if she has ever had to do that before or if it was more difficult to do because it was Lily. Natalie puts her hand on his arm as she walks out of Lily's bedroom, thinking that it would be best to give Rufus a minute alone to compose himself. What he had to do was not easy, but she hopes that he understands that it was necessary.

Rufus sits on the bed next to an unconscious Lily. He was grateful that the kids decided not to be here, they probably would not be able to see their mother like this. It was hard enough for Rufus, he does not know how they will ever reach some sort of normalcy in their relationship.

His hand skims over her back, dancing over her bruises that has caused her so much pain. Rufus leans over and brushes a kiss to her temple.

"I am so sorry baby," Rufus whispers. He tucks her in and shuts the door behind him. She should be up in a few hours with no recollection of what happened.

Rufus meets Natalie and CeCe downstairs. Natalie has acquired gin from CeCe. The two women are sitting on the couch, silently, staring straight ahead and drinking.

"Do you want some?" CeCe asks.

Rufus notices how frazzled CeCe looks. He is guessing that she has never seen Lily that vulnerable before. He nods, going into the kitchen to make himself a much needed drink.

He sits down on the chair across from Natalie and CeCe, never thinking that it would be him with Lily's mother and therapist with a sedated Lily upstairs. Rufus almost laughs at the absurdity of this whole situation and then realizes that this is his daunting reality.

"I thought you said she was getting better," CeCe snaps at Rufus and takes a long sip of her gin. Natalie cannot believe that CeCe is finding a way to blame Rufus for what happened upstairs.

"She is getting better," Natalie says for Rufus. The poor guy has had enough to deal with between CeCe and Lily that he needs somebody to tap in for him.

"For a psychiatrist, you really are terrible for managing your patients because from what I saw upstairs, my daughter is not improving at all."

"This is part of the healing. Women process their rape in various ways, this might be what Lily has to go through. Eventually, she will be able to learn how to control her flashbacks and avoid her whatever triggers them."

"How did she end up at your office?" Rufus asks.

"I'm not really sure, but that was not the first place she went."

"What do you mean?" CeCe asks.

"She said that she tried to take some Ambien, but she didn't say where and I didn't ask." Rufus sighs and rubs his temples. He knew that Lily taking the Ambien was not going to end well.

"She tried to take it?" Rufus asks with confusion.

"Yes, she said that she put them in her mouth, but ended up spitting them out. Look, I know this is a lot to handle, but the good thing is that she did not swallow them. I saw how many pills were missing, she could have easily overdosed, but she was clear-headed enough to realize the ramifications of taking them."

"Where are they now?" CeCe asks, not knowing her daughter was on sleeping pills.

"I have them in my office, she gave them to me after we talked in my office. I told her that she could have them back when she felt that she could be trusted with them."

"Are you trying to tell me that my daughter tried to kill herself with sleeping pills, but we should be thankful that she didn't?" CeCe asks in utter disbelief.

"Lily needs your support right now, from the both of you," Natalie emphasizes to CeCe, already knowing that she should not expect anything less from Lily. CeCe squashes an eye roll, it sounds like the therapist in charge of Lily's care has no idea what she is doing.

"I would rather send Lily somewhere with doctors that actually know what they are doing," CeCe says.

"Lily doesn't want that!" Rufus exclaims, tired of hearing CeCe's plan to dispose of Lily at a rehab. Natalie agrees with Rufus, forcing Lily into going somewhere she does not want to go will only backfire.

"I don't think that's a good idea, but we could always talk to Lily about it later." Natalie says, just to keep the peace between CeCe and Rufus.

"I am going to go, I need time, let me know when Lily is up," CeCe says, gathering up her things. Natalie furrows her eyebrows, wondering why Lily's mother is leaving now of all times. Rufus looks relieved so she does not question it.

"Yeah, I'll call you CeCe," Rufus says.

When CeCe leaves, Rufus and Natalie are left wondering how they should proceed. Natalie really wants to talk to Rufus, but she does not think now would be the appropriate time. Rufus is worn out and exhausted from worrying about where Lily disappeared to earlier today.

"Rufus, you don't always have to be the strong one you know," Natalie says with a smile. Rufus chuckles slightly and crosses his arms over his chest, leaning back against the chair.

"I don't know what I should do."

"You don't have to do anything right now. Why don't you go home for a while and take a break? Lily will be here when you wake up, I promise."

Rufus opens his mouth to argue, but he cannot think of something to say. Natalie is right, he does not need to be here for the time being. He has been looking for an excuse to leave all day and now that Lily is safe, there is no need for him to stay. A few hours away from the penthouse could benefit him exponentially.

"Okay, I should probably see my kids." Natalie raises her eyebrows, Lily never mentioned Rufus had kids as well. Not that it is Natalie's business, but she wonders how Rufus' kids are dealing with their father being here with Lily instead of at home, with them.

"Go, see your kids and I will call you when I see her emerge from the bedroom."

Rufus mumbles a thank you and grabs his coat, exiting the penthouse. He punches the lobby button and leans against the wall of the elevator, trying to compose himself. His mind keeps replaying what happened in Lily's bedroom earlier. He feels terrible for triggering her again, but he did not mean to.

When Rufus arrives at the loft, he is surprised to see Eric and Serena conversing with Jenny and Dan. He heard from Lily that their kids broke up, but are trying to remain friends.

"Rufus, how's mom?" Serena asks as soon as she sees him.

"Good, she is sleeping at the penthouse, so I thought I would come back here for a while." Rufus does not mention the fact that he had to restrain and sedate their mother because he knows that Lily would not want them to know. It was hard enough for him to experience, let alone, talk about to somebody else.

"Great, is grandma still there?" Eric asks.

"No, she went back to the hotel. I think she was planning on joining us for dinner, again." Eric and Serena crinkle their eyebrows, but Rufus just shrugs. They figure it is better for everyone if they just let CeCe do what she wants. "I'm going to go lay down for a little bit."

"Okay, let us know if you need anything, dad," Jenny says after him. She sees the anguish etched into her father's features. She has no idea what is going on with Lily since Eric and Serena are reluctant to chat about it, but it cannot be good. Dan and Jenny have barely seen their father in the past week, knowing that he has been over at the penthouse with Lily, trying to fix her.

Three hours later, Lily wakes up in a daze. Her mouth has that cotton-ball taste and her face is buried deep in the pillows. She has no recollection of how she ended up in her bed again, but she can guess that it had something to do with either her drinking or something Natalie gave her to calm her nerves. Rufus is not beside her, which makes her stomach rise in her throat. She can barely remember the conversation they had earlier, but it had something to do with him telling her that she makes it so easy for him to walk away. After that, Lily cannot remember anything that happened.

Lily is predicting that Rufus is either waiting downstairs or has vacated the penthouse all together. Her bet would be on the latter because of how furious he was with her when she came back. Although, she could bet that someone is here with her and she is praying that it is not her mother.

Lily ventures outside of her room, squinting at the light from the stairway. Natalie is waiting with her laptop and files fanned out on the couch.

"Hi," Lily says, her throat scratchy for some reason. Natalie immediately turns and waves.

"Hi, sorry, I was using your living room as a make-shift office. How are you feeling?"

"A little odd. What happened?" Lily comes and sits down on the chair so she does not disrupt any of Natalie's work.

"Well, what is the last thing you remember?"

"I remember coming back here, my mother being here, Rufus telling me to come upstairs and arguing with him. Where is he by the way?" Lily can tell that Rufus is not here, she just needs confirmation from Natalie.

"He left…Lily, we had to sedate you." Natalie wants Lily to be aware of what measures they had to take to ensure her safety. Predictably, Lily looks shocked.

"Why? What did I do?" Lily's face heats up in embarrassment. She wants to hear about what happened before she concentrates on Rufus not being here.

"You were having a flashback and nothing was bringing you out of it. I made the choice to give you Haldol because I thought you were a risk to yourself and others."

Lily purses her lips and nods, feeling ashamed for what she did, but also relieved that she was able to fill in the gaps of her memories.

"Is that why Rufus left?" She asks quietly, her throat feeling tight with the tears she is trying to keep in.

"I don't know, let me call him. Is that okay?"

"Yes," Lily sniffs and waits for Natalie to call Rufus.

Rufus is sitting on the couch at the loft with Serena, Eric, Jenny and Dan when his phone rings.

"Is that mom?" Eric asks right away, hoping that it is. He was worried when he left the penthouse, but he did not want to stay.

"I'm not sure, let me get this." Rufus steps into his bedroom, closing the door behind him. "Hey Natalie, what's going on?"

Rufus has been waiting for this call since he left the penthouse earlier. He could barely sleep because he was still worried about Lily. He realizes that they need to talk about their relationship and how it is going to proceed if they want to keep trying to be together.

"Hi Rufus, she's a little groggy, but awake."

"Can I talk to her?" Rufus asks. He is unsure of where he is at with Lily right now, but something inside of him needs reassurance that she is indeed okay.

"Hold on, let me see," Natalie says and presses the phone to her shoulder. "Do you want to talk to him?"

Lily nods and grabs the phone from Natalie. She is unsure of what to say. It is unfair, but Lily is mad at Rufus for leaving even though she has done so. For whatever reason, she is interpreting his fleeing as him giving up on her. And he did play a part in sedating her, which hurts her feelings.

"Lil? Are you there?" Rufus asks. Lily clears her throat, not wanting him to know how torn up she is by waking up to him gone. Now she knows how he felt this morning.

"Yeah, I'm here. Are you coming back soon?" There is a pause in the conversation, but Rufus is the first to speak.

"Honestly Lil, I think I need some time. I think I am going to stay at the loft tonight."

**A/N 2: Before anyone yells at me for breaking them up, they aren't! I think Rufus needing some space from Lily makes sense. And here is the question I always ask; what do you want to happen next? Thanks for reading and please leave a review on your way out! **


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Hello and welcome back! I always enjoy hearing from everyone and the ideas you guys have been giving me lately are amazing! I will do my best to incorporate them all. I apologize this is coming so late, the semester has just started and I am trying to adjust to new classes. Anyway, enjoy!**

**Chapter Fourteen **

"_Yeah, I'm here. Are you coming back soon?" There is a pause in the conversation, but Rufus is the first to speak._

_ "Honestly Lil, I think I need some time. I think I am going to stay at the loft tonight." _

This is it, Rufus is officially starting to create space between them. Lily has finally done enough to push him away. As much as it devastates her, she understands, especially after Natalie admitted that they had to sedate her. If roles were reversed, Lily would not know how to approach Rufus again after that. He needs time and Lily is willing to give that to him as long as he comes back because she does not think she can survive without him.

Natalie sees disappointment combined with guilt chase across her patient's features. Whatever Rufus just said to Lily has undoubtedly affected her in some way. She mentally prepares for questions to ask Lily after she hangs up the phone. Natalie is afraid that Lily will totally shut down after this and be unwilling to begin a session.

"Oh…" Lily says, unsure of anything else to say. She wants the opportunity to explain that the reason they had to sedate her was out of her control. Rufus has to understand that her mind is playing tricks on her and she wishes that it was possible to take everything back because she would.

Rufus feels a tinge of guilt based on Lily's reaction. He knew there was going to be an overwhelming urge to run back to Manhattan to be with her, but he can squash it. What Rufus is asking is fair. A night away to decompress is what he needs and Lily has to be able to feel comfortable by herself. He still a little irritated at her for disappearing this morning and has not completely forgiven her for it yet.

"Yeah…I should probably spend some time with Dan and Jenny. I haven't been at the loft much." Rufus nibbles on the inside of his cheek, he should not be using his kids as an excuse. Lily deserves to know the truth even if it might hurt her. He wishes he could take back what he just said for a more honest response.

Lily swallows and clears her throat, not wanting tears to be evident in her voice. She should not be taking this so personally, Rufus is not obligated to stay with her every night. Although, she is annoyed that he is blaming it on his kids when they both are aware of why he is not coming back to the penthouse.

"Okay, I understand."

"I'll see you tomorrow Lil, call me if you need anything." Lily purses her lips and contemplates her response. She wonders if he would come back if she asks him to. A part of her is too angry at him for leaving that she does not want to find out. Lily is determined to spend the night without Rufus to prove to herself and him that she does not need him here. "I love you."

Lily lets out a deep breath and lets a tear roll down her cheek, too quick for her to catch it. She believes him, but she wishes that he was here. It is her own fault that he isn't.

"I…I'll talk to you tomorrow." Lily whispers and hangs up the phone. She cannot bring herself to say it back even if it will cause more of a rift between them. Lily sniffs, glancing over at Natalie who is practically squirming in her seat.

"What happened?" Natalie asks. She is not expecting an elaborate answer from Lily since she never provides one. Plus, it really is not her business regardless if Lily is her patient. All Natalie wants to hear is how Lily is processing everything that has occurred in the past twenty four hours.

"He's…not coming." Lily says with a shrug.

Natalie is surprised that Rufus is not rushing back here to be by Lily's side. She would have thought that would have been his first reaction when Lily called. Although, Natalie can sympathize with him since she saw him cry after they had to sedate Lily.

"How does that make you feel?" Natalie asks and then cringes. She swore to herself that she would never ask Lily that question, but it seems necessary in this situation. Finding out Lily's dominant emotion is the key to helping her.

"It's fine. I am glad that he is staying with the kids. I know he feels guilty for not being with Dan and Jenny." Lily can hear herself rambling and providing an excuse for Rufus instead of telling Natalie how she actually feels.

Natalie quirks an eyebrow, not believing Lily for a second. She knows by now how to tell when her patient is deflecting. Natalie let Lily control the session in her office earlier today and it ended up with her being sedated. The therapist is desperately trying not to make the same mistake twice.

"Why do you think Rufus is staying at the loft?" Natalie asks, expecting to upset Lily a little. Sure enough, Natalie sees Lily's jaw clench and braces herself for the bitter comment about to be thrown her way.

"Why did you have to sedate me? I think we should talk about that instead." Lily avoids talking about how she feels regarding Rufus entirely. The truth is, she feels incredibly betrayed by what he and Natalie did. She was expecting him to stick around so they could work through it together, but he would rather hide in Brooklyn and that pisses her off.

"I'm sorry Lily, I felt it was the best choice given the intensity of your flashback." Natalie chooses her words with precision. Blaming Lily for something that was out of her control is only going to agitate her further. She will take full responsibility for using Haldol on Lily because it was her decision. Rufus went along with it because he trusted Natalie's professional opinion. Lily should not hold him accountable for that.

Lily refuses to meet Natalie's eyes after her apology. She feels horrible for whatever she said or did to Rufus during her flashback.

"Do you think that's why he is not here? Is it because of something I did to him?"

Natalie shakes her head immediately. Rufus took what happened hard, but she knows that he does not blame Lily for any of it. He comprehends that she truly believed that he was Jack and that she was back in that bathroom in the midst of her attack. The therapist does not know exactly why Rufus chose to stay behind, but she is not going to theorize.

"So you said the last thing you remember before the flashback was arguing with Rufus, right?"

Lily nods and takes in a shaky breath.

"Yeah, that sounds right. Nothing else after that is clear."

"What were you arguing about?"

"Us…well…kind of. I yelled at him for inviting my mother over, which he probably didn't do. God forbid CeCe isn't involved in everything…" Lily trails off and looks up at Natalie, recognizing the inquisitive look on her face. Her therapist wants to ask about the strained relationship between CeCe and Lily, but is debating with herself whether she should.

"Okay…Lily, do you mind if we talk about what I saw between you and your mother today? It's none of my business…"

"You're right it isn't." Is Lily's reflex response and then bites her lip. She should not be snapping at Natalie for trying to dissect something so blaringly obvious. Of course Natalie would have questions after what she witnessed earlier. "My mother and I don't get along. It has been that way since I was nineteen."

Natalie spots the connection immediately. Although, when she and Lily first got back, Rufus seemed to be on CeCe's side during their brief argument. However, she is aware that there is more to this story.

"I am just speculating here, but the reason you and your mother are at odds is because she disapproves of your relationship with Rufus." The astonished expression on Lily's face makes Natalie think that she is correct in her assumption.

"My mother's specialty is meddling, especially when it has to deal with me and Rufus."

Natalie is not a fan of Lily's mother, even from their quick encounter in the living room after sedating Lily. CeCe comes off as very controlling and manipulative, much like Natalie's own mother. It bothered Natalie how Lily's mother was so quick to insinuate that her daughter is not making any progress and should be sent off to a psychiatric facility to be 'taken care of'.

"Your mother and my mother should have a competition to see who sucks the most."

Lily laughs, finding some comfort in knowing that she is not the only one dealing with a psychotic mother.

"My mother would win, I can guarantee it."

"Why do you think your mother is here now?" Natalie asks, even though the answer is pretty obvious. It might not be to Lily given her perception of CeCe.

"My mother is concerned that I am embarrassing myself in front of everyone on the Upper East Side just like I did when I started dating Rufus twenty years ago. She could care less of how I am actually feeling about my attack."

_Interesting. _Natalie would expect Lily to roll her eyes and say that her mother is worried about her because of the rape, followed by a reason as to why her concern is invalid. Natalie is not sure of exactly what Lily means by embarrassing herself, but she is going to relate that to the drinking for now and circle back to that later on in their sessions.

"From a mother's perspective though, if you heard about something awful that happened to your daughter, wouldn't you do everything in your power to make it better?"

"Of course I would. I would do anything for Serena, no matter what."

"So why are you so reluctant to accept your mother's help?"

"My mother betrayed me! She doesn't get to tell Rufus about our son without my consent and then come back like nothing is wrong!" Lily exclaims, finally showing some emotion since she got off the phone with Rufus. Her eyes are sprinkling with tears as she ducks her head, embarrassed by her own admission.

Natalie slowly nods, wondering when Lily would finally talk about her son. When it was brought up earlier, Natalie could tell how CeCe blushed, appearing to be embarrassed that Lily would talk about it in front of her and Rufus. She needs more to go on though; but she has to tread carefully because this is a sensitive topic for Lily.

"What happened to your son?"

Lily sniffs, it still hurts her to talk about it with anyone, which is why she has avoided discussing it with Rufus. They have not had a chance to since before her rape, but her mother coming back dredges up that issue again, which is why Lily wanted her to stay away.

"He died. Rufus didn't know about him until my mother told him recently. We went to find him in Boston a day before I was raped, but his adoptive parents said that he drowned in a boating accident."

"I'm sorry." Natalie whispers and lets Lily have a moment to compose herself. No wonder she is falling apart, that is too much to handle for anyone in such a short amount of time. Natalie cannot imagine losing a child, one that she guesses, Lily and Rufus never got the chance to know.

"Looking for him is what brought me and Rufus back together." Lily says after a few minutes of silence.

"Why do you blame your mother for telling him then? If that's what helped reestablish you and Rufus as a couple."

Lily narrows her eyes at Natalie, wondering why she is not following along with her. This should not have to be explained as to why she is furious with CeCe.

"My mother had no right to tell Rufus about him, that was not her place."

"That may be, but did you ever ask your mother why she did it? There is probably a logical, but still, very messed up explanation for why she went behind your back."

"If I wanted to be lied to, I would ask her. My guess would be that my mother told Rufus because she knew that it would make him never want to be with me and she almost succeeded. I have never seen Rufus that angry before and I hated that it was at me."

Natalie chews on her lower lip, wondering how she can break through to Lily. It is not her place to be dictating Lily's relationship with CeCe, but there might be a chance for their relationship to be salvaged which would make things easier on her patient.

"I am probably the last person that should be telling you this, but here it goes anyway; I want you to talk to your mother about your son. This won't be easy and I wouldn't be suggesting it if I didn't think it would have some therapeutic benefit for you. Fighting with your mother is probably the last thing you need right now on top of everything else that has happened."

Lily pouts at Natalie's assignment for her. She would rather have her mother just go back to wherever she came from and leave her alone. Lily does not really want to hear an explanation from CeCe about Andrew because she does not think it will help. The only person's input she cares about on the matter is Rufus'.

"Natalie, are you trying to use your position as my therapist to trick me into making up with my mother?"

Natalie blushes, something Lily has never seen her do before. Lily quirks an eyebrow and crosses her arms, waiting for an explanation from her therapist.

"Not intentionally, but if it happens, then I wouldn't be opposed to it."

"Well, don't get too excited. She will probably come back here, figure out Rufus is gone and then jump for joy."

Natalie nods and tries to get a reading on Lily, whether she should push to have this session continue or not. She still has not figured out how her patient feels about anything that has happened recently because Lily keeps dodging the question. Natalie has to come up with a roundabout way to solve her dilemma. Clearly asking Lily to address her own emotions is not working.

"Have you talked to Rufus about your son at all?"

Again, the therapist is aware that she could easily be shut down again. Lily is proficient at dodging a particularly sensitive question, but Natalie thinks her patient will play along this time.

"We did, the night we came back from Boston….the night before I was raped, but we haven't talked about it again since for obvious reasons."

_"Oh my god! That was…amazing…" Lily breathes out as she winds down from her orgasmic high. She cuddles into Rufus, sprinkling a kiss to his chest before resting her head on it. Rufus tightens his grip on her and brushes a kiss to her hair. _

_ Rufus does not say anything back, which causes Lily to become suspicious. She tilts her head up at him, watching as his mind drifts off someplace else. Although, she has a pretty good guess as to what he is thinking about. It has been in the back of both their minds since they left the café earlier this afternoon. _

_They briefly discussed it on the way up the stairs to his loft, but the conversation was dropped as soon as they saw their kids. All they told Dan, Serena, Eric and Jenny was that they did not have to worry about sharing a sibling anymore because he was dead. The subject was quickly dropped and the conversation shifted towards Lily and Rufus' rekindled relationship._

_ Lily shifts in bed, capturing his attention by placing a kiss to his lips. Rufus responds immediately and cups her cheek, pushing her down into the pillows. She moans and lazily drapes her arms around the back of his neck, but he lets their kiss collapse moments later. _

_ "Lil, are we ever going to talk about this?" Rufus whispers, whisking a loose piece of hair back behind her ear. Lily sighs as Rufus shifts his weight off of her and maneuvers back to lay next to her in bed. _

_ "I…don't know what to say. I wish things could have turned out differently for us, for him." Lily wanted more than anything to be reunited with their son, but like she said earlier, maybe they just weren't meant to be a family. At least she has Rufus now out of this whole horrible situation. _

_ "Me too, but at least I have you." Rufus says, thinking now is not the right time to have a full-fledged conversation. They both need time to grieve before they can approach this topic again. He does not want to be responsible for ruining their night of reconnecting. They can talk about this later after they have had time to digest. _

_ Lily lips stretch into a wide grin as her eyes crinkle at the corners. She is glad that Rufus is not angry at her for what happened, he has every right to be. They missed out on valuable time with their son because of her and that is something Lily might never forgive herself for. However, all she wants to think about how she is in her own bed with Rufus, with no other distractions. _

_ "I love you," Lily whispers and leans forward to kiss him. _

_ "I love you too," Rufus says back and coils his arms around Lily to bring her on top of him, smiling when she gasps in shock. _

Natalie furrows her eyebrows when Lily is done recounting her alleged conversation with Rufus. The therapist notices that contrary to what Lily might believe, she and Rufus really did not discuss their son's death.

"Do you think you and Rufus are going to talk about your son again?"

"I don't know, I don't really want to see him right now, but maybe."

"Why are you mad at Rufus? I thought you said that it was good that he was spending time with his kids." Natalie is trying to trap Lily into confessing how she really feels about Rufus leaving her. Lily glares at Natalie, recognizing what tactic she is using.

"He did the one thing he promised he wouldn't do."

"Which was?"

"Leave." Lily whispers and pauses to catch a tear toppling over her eyelid. "He kept reassuring me that n-n-no matter what I did or s-s-said, he wouldn't leave me, but he did. I feel so…betrayed."

Natalie pretends to focus on her lap in order to gain some composure. The therapist did not realize the ramifications her decision to sedate Lily would have on her patient's relationship. She feels responsible even if it was truly nobody's fault.

"Lily, I understand why you feel the way you do, trust me. However, I think I should tell you that Rufus felt terrible…he was crying."

Lily is stunned by Natalie's revelation and has a hint of remorse for being so angry at him. She opens her mouth to speak, but closes it when the elevator doors ding open. Serena and Eric walk into the living room, confused as to why their mother is talking to the same person she was with when she came back to the penthouse earlier this morning.

"Hi mom, what's going on?" Serena is the first person to say something.

Natalie keeps quiet, looking at Lily for any indication as to how she should respond. Based on doctor-patient confidentiality, she is required not to disclose to anyone, including Lily's children that their mother is her client. Lily rolls her lips and does a cautionary rub of her eyes.

"Eric, Serena, this is Natalie Cormier, my therapist. She has been helping me…talk about my attack." Lily explains to Eric and Serena who look appropriately shocked.

"Oh…well, nice to meet you," Eric says to Natalie. Serena waves and smiles at Natalie.

"I'm going to go, but I would like to see you in the next few days. Call my office and my receptionist will set you up with an appointment." Natalie gathers her things, thinking that Lily needs a break for now. Lily stands up and follows Natalie to the elevator.

"Thanks, I am glad Rufus picked you." Lily says sheepishly. Natalie throws her long blonde hair over her shoulder as she struggles to get her coat on.

"No problem, remember to do your homework, I will be asking you for an update at your next appointment." Natalie smirks at Lily and steps into the elevator. Lily lets out a breath and walks back into the living where Serena and Eric are waiting.

Lily sits on the couch in sandwiched between her children. They both have a million questions they want to ask, but are hesitating, not knowing if their mother is willing to talk. Every time Eric and Serena have been around Lily in the past week, she is either drunk, crying, or on the verge of tears. It is not fair to her children that Lily has yet to discuss anything regarding the rape with them. Even admitting to her kids that she is seeing a therapist is a monumental step for her, one that she wishes Rufus could be here to witness.

"How was lunch with Dan and Jenny?" Lily asks, just to ignite a conversation that does not involve her well-being for once. Serena and Eric's eyes flicker around the penthouse, wondering why Rufus is not here with their mother.

"It was fine, where's Rufus?" Eric asks. Lily's top teeth roll her bottom lip while she wrings her hands.

"He's at the loft, I think he is staying there for the night." Serena quirks an eyebrow. She and Eric hung around the loft, just in time for Rufus to come back. They both thought that he was taking a breather and not actually staying there so they did not question it.

Lily looks defeated, a common expression that she has been wearing the past week. Serena would ask, but she knows that her mother would not tell her the whole truth anyways.

"Well…that's alright, I am assuming that grandma left too. That overwhelming smell of Chanel Number Five and gin isn't wafting through the penthouse anymore. It was starting to make me nauseous," Eric jokes and glances over at his sister, noticing her furrowed eyebrows. Serena wants to ask Lily about the pills and why she left, but the teenager does not want to agitate her mother any more than she already is.

"Yeah, I think I was boring her," Lily quips. Eric and Serena crack tiny smiles, thinking that their mother being irritated at their grandma is slightly hilarious.

"Natalie seems nice, I liked her Burberry coat," Serena says, easing her mother into talking about what she really wants to discuss with her. Lily chuckles quietly at her daughter's comment.

"She is…listen guys, I am…so…" Lily trails off, sensing her throat become thick with tears, "sorry…for everything that you two have had to see this past week. I-I-It's not fair." She sniffs and wipes her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Mom, it's fine, we know it hasn't been easy for you," Eric says for him and his sister. Serena nods in agreement and rests her head on Lily's shoulder.

"N…no…it hasn't," Lily laughs and dusts a kiss on Eric's forehead and then Serena's. She has missed this time she spends with her kids, their strained relationship has been getting better. It means the world to her that they are being so supportive and understanding. "I'm going to go lie down for a little bit."

Lily puts her hands on both of her children's thighs and then stands up, heading to her bedroom. She needs some time to decompress after her long session with Natalie and talking to her kids. Even if it is doubtful that she will actually sleep, Lily is going to try anyway.

_The elevator doors ding open and Lily rises out of bed, thinking that Rufus has come back, hat in hand, and ready to talk. She pushes the covers back and races downstairs, finding it odd that neither of kids are around. _

_ "Hello Lily, have you missed me?" Jack asks with a smirk on his face. _

_ RUN! Lily's mind screams at her and she quickly turns around, but Jack's reflexes are too fast. _

_ "Where do you think you are going?" Jack asks and snatches her wrist, throwing her up against the wall. His hot breath is bouncing off her neck as his lips try to attach themselves to hers. Lily is squirming against him, flashbacks of the night at the opera are replaying in her mind. _

_ "RUFUS!" Lily screams at the top her lungs, even though she knows he is not here. Jack is momentarily stunned by the shrill volume of her voice and loosens his grip. Lily takes the opportunity to run upstairs towards her bedroom, hoping to barricade herself in there until someone can help her. _

_ "You aren't going anywhere you little bitch!" Jack yells and grabs onto her hair, yanking her back towards him. Lily's hand flies up to her hair where Jack is holding her captive. She digs her fingernails into his skin in an attempt to break free. _

_ "Let me go! Rufus, help!" Jack tugs at her hair, drawing her within inches of his face. His lips crash into hers which she resists at all costs._

_ "Rufus and Chuck aren't here to help you this time Lily," Jack whispers in her ear. He laughs at the horror etched in Lily's features. Lily groans in pain when Jack throws her against the wall of the staircase before dragging her upstairs, her fighting every step of the way. _

"Mom! Mom, wake up!" Serena yells and shakes Lily's shoulder. The teenager could hear her mother scream from her bedroom. Lily jolts awake and glances around with her eyebrows furrowed. She does not recall falling asleep, let alone having a nightmare. Her eyes lock on her daughter, who looks absolutely terrified of her. Lily lets out a deep breath and pushes down her tears. She feels ashamed that her daughter has seen her when she is like this. Usually, Rufus is the one who is consoling her after a particularly haunting nightmare.

"I'm fine Serena," Lily says automatically. She is so accustomed to dissolving into tears and Rufus wrapping his arms around her that she does not know how else to articulate herself, especially to her teenage daughter.

Serena scoffs and sits on the edge of the bed, next to Lily. The teenager is so tired of hearing her mother lie about her feelings. It is not helping anyone, especially her.

"Mom, you were screaming for Rufus to save you. You are not fine." Serena watches her mother's bottom lip quiver before she dissolves into tears. The teenager hesitantly rubs her mother's back, but retracts her hand when Lily flinches away from her.

"It…it was…J-Jack...he was h-here…in the penthouse." Lily whispers and sniffs loudly. She does not know if she should be telling her daughter this, but it might help feel more comfortable talking to her children about her rape without providing the graphic details she usually reserves for Rufus or Natalie.

"Mom, there is no way that could happen. Jack will never be let out of jail."

"I know, darling," Lily appreciates Serena's reassurances even if she is wrong. Jack could easily manipulate his way out of prison, Lily is frighteningly aware of that.

"Do you need to take an Ambien or something?" Serena asks. Lily crinkles her eyebrows, wondering how her daughter could possibly know about the medication that was prescribed to her.

"How did you….?"

"I badgered Rufus into telling me after I caught him lying about calling Eleanor to check to see if you were there."

Lily slowly nods her head, wondering who else Rufus told about her taking the Ambien. She wants to believe that he had a valid reason for telling her daughter, but she is skeptical.

"Well, I gave the rest of my Ambien to Natalie."

"Is Natalie helping you?" Serena asks out of curiosity.

"Yeah, she is good for letting me talk through everything that happened with Jack." Serena nods, a part of her is wishing that Lily would elaborate, but she is probably better off being kept in the dark.

"Mom, why did you leave again? And why did you take the Ambien?"

"Serena…it's complicated. I wasn't trying to…kill myself…I just wanted to have it with me."

She wipes her eyes and suppresses a moan when the ache in her back flairs up. They both stop when they hear the elevator doors ding open downstairs. Lily inadvertently tenses up, remembering her nightmare. Although, it could be Rufus coming back and she cannot help but feel a little flutter of excitement, even if they left things on a sour note.

Serena goes first, noting her mother's hesitation. She keeps glancing over her shoulder to confirm that Lily is still inching down the stairs behind her.

"Hey grandma!" Serena says when she sees CeCe mulling around in the living room. The teenager locks eyes with Lily and discovers the obvious disappointment clouding her features. It does not register right away with her, but Serena realizes that Lily thought it was going to be Rufus.

"What are you doing here?" Lily asks, having enough of her mother's antics for the day. Even if she is required by Natalie to talk to CeCe about her feelings, she is emotionally drained at the moment. She would rather have her mother turn around and leave the penthouse, or even better, the state of New York. That way Lily is absolved of all responsibility from speaking with CeCe.

CeCe nibbles on the inside of her cheek. She does not want to admit to Lily how devastated she was watching her daughter be restrained and sedated. It would be easier to lie, but she is tired of arguing with Lily. She understands that they are probably never going to be close, but she does want to be a part of her daughter's life and hopes that Lily wants that too.

"I told Rufus that I would come by, but I am guessing he didn't tell you."

Lily looks down at her feet, unwilling to concede to her mother that Rufus left her. She does not know how long CeCe stuck around after she left her and Natalie down in the living room while she and Rufus talked.

"He isn't here."

CeCe is intrigued by Lily's admission. She would think that this would be the last time Rufus would choose to leave. He seemed so adamant that he was not abandoning Lily last night after dinner. Nevertheless, CeCe can see how Rufus' absence has affected her daughter.

"Oh, well that's probably for the best."

Lily purses her lips and gives her mother an eye roll. Serena takes the opportunity to slip into the elevator. She does not want a front row seat to another fight between her mother and grandmother. Eric already left while Lily was sleeping because he could not listen to his mother scream anymore.

Lily crosses her arms and waits for CeCe to say something or give any indication as to what she wants from her.

"Have you given any thought as to where you want to go?" CeCe asks.

"You are unbelievable. How many times do I have to tell you that I am not letting you send me somewhere?"

"After what I witnessed today, you could have benefited from that a long time ago."

Lily's eyebrows furrow, unsure of what her mother is referring to. The only thing that comes to her mind is CeCe being present for when Natalie sedated her.

"I am doing my best to get better and you hovering over me, telling me that I need to be shipped off to some bullshit mental facility is not doing anyone any good. I'm so sorry that I am not fully recovered a week after being raped. I couldn't imagine what kind of toll the bad press is taking on you."

"I am only looking out for my best interest."

"No one is asking you to, mother! You telling Rufus about our son was not in my best interest. You did that for yourself because you can't stand the fact that Rufus is in love with me and has been since we were nineteen."

"If he loves you so much than why isn't here now?"

Lily's well up as her shoulders slump over in defeat. Her mother raises a good point. Rufus should be here, but he chose to stay behind in Brooklyn, leaving her here to pick up the pieces. Not that she blames him entirely, she would not want to stand beside her after what he had to witness earlier.

"He's…um…staying at his loft in Brooklyn…I don't know when he if…he is coming back."

CeCe's comment to her daughter was harsh and it is something she wishes that she could take back. It sounds like she is mocking Lily, when she is sincerely was just asking. Her daughter does not deserve to cry anymore, she has done that enough since her attack.

"The reason I told Rufus about your son is even though I knew he would be angry with you, he would forgive you, in his own time because as you said; he's in love with you."

"What does that matter anymore? Even if he is, he's not here."

CeCe does not have an answer for her daughter. At the time, she told Rufus unapologetically, full aware of the consequences. CeCe is not being completely honest about her motive for telling Rufus. A part of her wanted to drive a wedge between the couple, especially after Lily admitted that she was in love with Rufus. CeCe thinks that Lily deserves better than Rufus and she knew they were about to rekindle their relationship following Bart's death.

However, she did not foresee her daughter being raped or developing a dependency on alcohol. CeCe has to admit that Rufus has done more for her daughter than she could ever imagine. Lily deserves an apology if an explanation will not suffice. Whether Lily will forgive her or take her seriously is up to her.

"Lily, darling…." Lily holds her hand up, effectively stopping CeCe.

"Mom, I don't want to talk about this right now. I have had an extremely hard day and I just need time."

"That's understandable. Is someone staying here with you?"

"I'll be fine. The kids are coming back later."

"Alright, I'll come by tomorrow and we can talk then."

"Fine."

CeCe leaves Lily to mull around in her empty penthouse. She was going to offer to stay with her daughter, but Lily would never accept it. Lily would not admit that she needs someone to be at the penthouse with her, she is just too proud.

Lily is left by herself, something that terrifies her even if she is merely in her own home. She has not been left alone for substantial periods of time since last Friday. The thought of leaving her apartment makes her anxious, but the thought of staying also sets her on edge. She has to pick between the lesser of two evils. A piece of her knows that the only way she will truly feel safe is with Rufus. It is unsettling to her that she does not feel comfortable in her own home, even though she is aware of Jack being in prison. The nightmare she had this afternoon has had more of an effect on her than she thought.

Lily decides to take a bath in an effort to relax and then make herself some dinner. Hopefully by then, Serena and Eric will be back from wherever they disappeared to and they can have a normal night together as a family. She will do her best to sleep and then go to the loft in the morning to talk to Rufus. Tonight would be a good night to take an Ambien and sleep for ten hours, but due to earlier, she turned her pills over to Natalie for safekeeping.

As the night drags on, Lily finds it harder and harder to calm down. She contemplates leaving the penthouse to clear her head, but the cameras hovering outside squash the idea. Plus, Lily would be afraid of walking around by herself at night, even if it is only in her safe neighborhood.

While he was having dinner with Dan and Jenny, Rufus' mind kept drifting to Lily. He wants to call her and see how she is doing by herself. He is hoping that she is coping well with being alone. If not, he is willing to go over to the penthouse to stay with her. Dan and Jenny asked about Lily, but Rufus kept his responses to a minimum. There is not much he can disclose to his kids that Lily will want them to know. All he told was that she is struggling, but doing the best that she can to process the rape, which is true. The kids were sympathetic and offered to do anything they can to aid Lily, but there is not much anyone can do, including him. Lily needs to learn how to process her feelings without rushing to the alcohol or Ambien. Nobody can make that choice but her.

He goes into his bedroom and grabs his phone, dialing Lily's cell phone. Rufus crosses his fingers that she answers, but he is doubtful. Knowing her, Lily is probably irritated with him for leaving without telling her. Although he is mad at her for everything she has done throughout the course of this week, he still seeks confirmation that she is doing okay on her own.

Lily is about to make herself some tea in an effort to help her sleep when her cell phone rings. She has been screening her calls from last Friday since an onslaught of people expressing their concern or curiosity have tried to contact her. The only people she will pick up for are her kids or Rufus. Lily locates her phone buried deep in her clutch and checks to see who is calling her. A frown tugs at the corner of her lips when she sees that it is Rufus. She launches an internal debate with herself, but ultimately makes a decision. Lily goes up to her room and gathers up her things, stuffing them in a suitcase.

**Hi this is Lily Bass, please leave your name and number so I can get back to you. **

"Hey Lil, it's me, just calling to check up on you. It would really put my mind at ease if you would let me know. If I don't hear from you, I will be by in the morning. Okay, have a good sleep, bye."

Rufus sighs and angrily throws his phone against the wall. He is considering just going to the penthouse because he is aware that he won't be able to sleep until he talks to her.

Lily scribbles a note for each of her kids saying that she is spending the night at the loft. She made a promise to herself after today that Serena and Eric will always know where she is. They don't deserve to always be guessing as to their mother's whereabouts. After she gathers all of her things, Lily calls Vanya, asking him to have a car waiting for her. She does not want to be standing outside where the press have easy access to her. The constant shouting and flashing of cameras scares her.

Lily takes the elevator downstairs, clutching her suitcase so hard that her knuckles are turning white. Vanya meets her in the lobby, offering a grin. Lily cannot help but trade smiles with the kindhearted doorman.

"The car is ready Ms. Lily," Vanya tells her in his thick accent.

"Thank you Vanya, would you mind walking me to my car?" Lily gestures towards the cameras flashing through the glass doors outside. Vanya nods and matches her strides, pushing the paparazzi out of the way so Lily can climb into the car. She rattles off the address to Rufus' loft and sits back, feeling an overwhelming sense of calm. Although she is slightly angry at Rufus, it is better for her to be with him so she will be able to sleep somewhat.

When the car drops off at the loft, Lily thanks the driver and waits for her suitcase to be given to her. Her eyes are constantly scanning the perimeter, waiting for someone to pop out at her. The driver leaves and Lily takes cautious steps towards the door to Rufus' loft. She knocks on it, rocking back and forth on her feet while waiting for him to open the door.

"Lil, what are you doing here? Is everything okay?" Rufus asks. He is shocked that she is here, but oddly glad because he was going to go to the penthouse to be with her.

Lily opens her mouth, but her throat is constricted. She is embarrassed to admit that she could not survive a night alone, it makes her feel weak.

"I…I don't feel safe…by myself." Lily whispers, looking down so Rufus does not see her tears. Rufus immediately snags her hand, bringing her into the loft. He hugs her close to her body, rubbing her upper arm.

"It's okay Lil, I was worried when you didn't answer the phone. I was just coming to see you." Lily breaks away from him to sit on the couch while he goes to grab a glass of water.

They both have a lot to talk about surrounding today's events. Rufus can tell how scared Lily looks and blames himself for not being there earlier. As angry as he is at her, he always wants her to feel safe. He is curious as what happened after he left, whether she talked to Natalie or CeCe.

"You are more than welcome to stay here," Rufus tells her after a few moments of silence.

"Good, I already brought my suitcase." Rufus laughs at Lily's blunt statement, he does not expect anything less from her. He should be annoyed, but he is just happy to see her. Regardless of what Lily thinks, she has made some progress. It says a lot that she isn't trying to drown herself in alcohol and made a proactive step to prevent that from happening.

"Did you get to talk to Natalie at all?" Rufus asks because he is unsure of what to say.

"Yeah, she stayed after you left."

"I don't know what to say Lil, I needed some time." Rufus is not going to apologize for what he did. He is not bounded to Lily nor does he have to spend every moment with her. Rufus had the right to take a step back and give himself a breather from her consistent unpredictable behavior.

"Do you know how terrified I was when I woke up and realized you weren't there?"

"Well, I'm sorry Lil, but now you know how that feels."

Lily swallows her instant response because Rufus has a valid point. She should not be using him fleeing the penthouse as an excuse to be angry at him, especially when she has disappeared on him twice.

"I'm sorry that I left, I just…I didn't know how to deal with things."

"That's not an excuse Lil. I want to be with you more than anything, but I don't know how to anymore."

Lily slowly nods and rockets to her feet, searching for her suitcase. Rufus predicted this and stands up as well, gently grabbing onto her arm.

"Maybe I shouldn't have come here," Lily mumbles, slowly turning around to face him. Rufus sighs, rather than talking about it, Lily would rather run away, which is exactly his point.

"Do you want us to be together? And if you don't, I'm not chasing after you."

"Of course I do Rufus. I love you, but you are right, everything is just so confusing right now. I don't know how we could make our relationship work."

Rufus and Lily lock eyes with each other, looking for a solution that neither of them have. It would be easy to disregard all that has happened, but it won't help either of them. He is not going to stand by and watch Lily drink herself into oblivion or overdose on Ambien, it would be something that he could not recover from.

"We don't have to know Lily, we just have to talk to each other. You can't keep shutting down and not talk to me or anyone about your rape because I can promise you that you aren't going to get better. And I won't continue to justify what you have been doing."

"No one is asking you to Rufus. I am an adult that can make my own decisions."

"Fine, then let's talk about the choices you have been making, Lily. You were so drunk last night that I found you in the bathroom with a bottle of Ambien. The only reason you didn't overdose on it is because I stopped you from opening the bottle. And then, when I woke up, you were gone as was the pills. Natalie said that there were five missing."

Rufus is not holding back anymore. He partially blames himself for excusing Lily's behavior, but last night was a grim wake up call. Lily needs to comprehend that she is going to end up dead if she does not stop self-destructing.

Lily is silent for a moment, letting Rufus' words sink in. She feels so attacked, but Rufus is not wrong about anything he is saying to her.

"Natalie had no right to tell you that. Why are you two talking behind my back and making decisions for me without asking me first?"

"We are the only people that are looking out for you, Lily. I'm sorry that she had to sedate you, but we were left with no other options. You were going to hurt Natalie or yourself."

"I'm sorry…I don't remember what I was doing." Lily says with tears shinning in her eyes. Rufus feels bad for blaming her for that because she is right, there is no possible way for her to recollect what happened during her flashback. He reaches out, softly setting his hand on her thigh, rubbing it soothingly.

"I know…I know, I'm not blaming you for that sweetheart, I just…I hope you understand that my intentions were not to betray you, I just wanted you to be safe."

"I know it wasn't solely your decision. Natalie told me that you cried."

"Natalie is a blabbermouth." Rufus says and laughs along with Lily. He would rather deflect now then admit to Lily that the reason he cried was because she called him Jack. He would rather wait until her guilt subsides before telling her.

"She is definitely very good at her job. She tricked me into kind of making up with CeCe."

"CeCe came back? She said that she would, but I didn't believe her."

"Yeah, after Natalie left, she came over to convince me once again, that I should be carted off to some rehab on the other side of the country to save face."

"Maybe we should send her there instead…but I'm glad that you talked."

"I wouldn't be opposed to that. I think I made her feel guilty, I didn't know my mother was capable of that emotion."

"Guilty about what?" Rufus is glad that Lily is actually taking him seriously and talking to him about whatever is on her mind. It might seem nonsensical to her, but he wants her to know that this is how a relationship works. He is not going to be like Bart and be too wrapped up in business to care about her thoughts and feelings. He wants an open line of communication between them or their relationship is going to crumble.

"I mentioned the reason you were reluctant to be in a relationship with me before Boston." Lily is talking around the issue, but she knows that Rufus will understand her meaning.

"You mean, our son?"

"Our…dead son." Lily corrects him. She has not thought about her son since the night before the rape. Lily kept having dreams about him that night, but did not tell Rufus about it.

"We haven't talked about it."

"I know."

"Do you want to?" Rufus is more than willing to have a conversation about Andrew. They barely skimmed the surface of that topic after they had sex that night, there is so much more to be discussed.

Lily shrugs, thinking that now might possibly be the worst time to bring it up. Honestly, she really does not have much to say about their son. Obviously, she is devastated about his death, but she did not know him personally. It is hard to mourn someone you did not know, even if it is your son.

"I don't know what there is to talk about. Do you still blame me for hiding him from you?"

"I blame your mother for forcing you to make an impossible choice when we were nineteen. I believe that she manipulated you and took advantage of the situation. I blame myself for letting you go when I did. I don't blame you for giving him up, but I do for not telling me when we started hanging out again."

"I wish we had the opportunity to get to know him. I'm sure he would have been really great." Lily says with a somber smile. She agrees with what Rufus told her. It was not fair to him that she kept this from him for so long only to have her mother tell him in the end.

"We should go sometime, to his grave. I think that would help us. Not now with everything going on, but eventually."

"I would like that," Lily says, her voice just above a whisper. "I'm going to get ready for bed…unless you want to talk about something else?"

Rufus shakes his head, he can see how worn out Lily is. He has said pretty much everything he has wanted to say for now. Lily squeezes his hand and slowly gets up from the couch. She grabs her suitcase hiding behind the furniture and rolls it into Rufus' bedroom.

While she is getting undressed, her mind catalogues everything that has happened today. Lily did not intend to have this deep of a conversation with Rufus, but it was necessary. He has been holding a lot of stuff in recently and she is glad that they were able to talk. Their irritation with each other dissipated rather quickly when they both realized that they each have made mistakes.

Rufus knocks on his bedroom door, letting himself in after he gets the okay from her. Lily is standing in front of a mirror, naked from the waist down and is struggling to unhook her bra. Her range of motion has decreased because of the abrasions on her back. He immediately closes the gap between them, sensing the frustration ebbing off of her.

"Damn it!" Lily exclaims and winces when she makes an awkward move that sends pain shooting up her spine.

"Here, let me," Rufus whispers. He holds up his hands so she can see from the reflection in the mirror that he is about to touch her. Lily gives a nod and shivers when Rufus' cold hands make contact with her warm flesh.

Rufus watches Lily take off her bra and immediately reach for her robe. He stops her, resting his hand on her hip. Lily drops the article of clothing and tilts her head up to gaze at him.

"Don't cover yourself up on my account," Rufus says, cupping her cheek and giving her a boyish grin. Lily glances down at the bruises still visible on her skin. Her breasts, inner thigh and back continue to be marred by what Jack did.

"I don't want to look at them." She lets her face melt into his palm.

"I still think you look beautiful, despite what you believe."

Lily offers him a watery smile and rocks on her feet to plant a chaste kiss on his lips. Rufus does not antagonize, letting their lips unhinge when she deems appropriate. Lily frowns, wondering if she did something wrong or if he is still too frustrated with her to even go there tonight.

"Do you want to do this?" Lily asks.

"I need you to tell me. I don't want to force you into doing something you aren't comfortable with yet." Lily rests her hand on his chest, sliding it down to the hem. Rufus smiles and lets her tug his shirt up and over his head. She rewards him with a victorious smile, one that his lips collapse into. As she is working on unbuckling his pants, Rufus' hands land on her shoulders, gently pulling her away.

"What?" Lily asks.

"Lil, I need you to tell me if we should stop. I won't know otherwise."

"Okay," Lily whispers and their lips meet in a slow kiss.

**A/N 2: Let me know what you want to happen! Also, I am thinking of jumping ahead a little bit after next chapter to kind of move things along. Your input determines what I write, so please leave a review. Thanks! **


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