Bleach 1. Ukitake

Ukitake Jyuushiro, captain of the thirteenth squad in the Soul Society, was not well known for his luck. His family was remarkably poor, living atop a swamp in one of the farthest reaches of Rukongai. His reiatsu just happened to be lightening based, meaning that the entire family had to move on the off chance that he lost his temper or got too excited, quite literally blowing their house to pieces and electrocuting the neighbours in the process. He took ill in his youth with a form of consumption, turning his hair a shocking white, giving him the appearance of a much older man.

During the years he spent training with General Yamamoto his poverty never bothered him, nor did the nature of his reiatsu. Yamamoto's was fire based, after all, and he was in no position to judge. Even Kyoraku, with whom he shared a room in Old Man Yama's barracks, laughed out loud at the stories of his youth and admitted that he wouldn't mind being on the receiving end of an electric shock if it gained him access to a bed in the fourth division, surrounded by pretty girls.

There was only one thing that did not change, that still bothered him and that was how he looked. He longed to have his gleaming black hair back, to be able to chase girls with Kyoraku without them thinking he was a creepy old man. He had tried everything to resolve the issue - hair dyes from the world of the living, treatments in the fourth division, he had even worn a wig for a few months in desperation. None of them had worked: the hair dyes grew out after several months, leaving him with plain white roots, while the wig left him so hot and flustered that he had many dizzy spells and ended up in the fourth division, trying to avoid every 'I told you so' glare from Unohana. It was because of this that Ukitake always remained clean shaven and grew his hair into several different lengths and styles to try and demonstrate how young he really was.

Although their barracks were relatively close together, Ukitake did not have many dealings with the 12th Squad or their captain, save for the rare occasions when they had a joint training session. He did not like to admit it but the other captain put him on edge - he had heard of the crude experiments he performed upon his squad members and Ukitake took great care to avoid it happening to his own. Despite this, he could not deny that Kurotsuchi's science fascinated him, particularly after a peculiar young woman wandered into his barracks late one afternoon. Her name, he learned, was Nemu and she had been created by the 12th squad captain.

This information was what led him to stand outside Kurotsuchi's office door, racking his brains for some way of phrasing what he was about to ask. Surely if Kurotsuchi had been able to create Nemu he would know of some method to restore his original hair colour, though on some level he was ashamed of his problem and preferred not to think of the possibility that he might become a laughing stock afterwards. He reached out and knocked just once. Perhaps the captain would be out and he would never have to ask. He knocked again.

Kurotsuchi was in, not only that, he seemed to be in the middle of an experiment at that very moment. His entire office was filled with orange smoke and he ushered Ukitake inside with the remark that he had better make it quick. Ukitake moved to sit down at Kurotsuchi's desk, thinking better of it when he noticed there was no desk, only an autopsy table.

"Well," piped up Kurotsuchi. Ukitake noticed that he could not see him in the smoke. "What is it you want?"

"Errrrrrrr," he started, scratching the top of his forehead to try and disguise how embarrassed he really was, "the thing is..."

He proceeded to tell the 12th squad captain all about his woes with his hair, how he had noticed his genius and wondered if, by chance, there was something he could do about it. The fact that he could not see him or his reaction made it easier to explain. He heard the other captain sigh irritably, followed by the noise of a cupboard opening and several glass jars crashing into each other. He was outside the office once again with a vial in his hand before he knew it.

"Just one thing," said Kurotsuchi before slamming the door shut. "You must take a mouthful of this every four weeks and only that. Any more and the side effects will be beyond my capabilities."

Ukitake hurried back to his own barracks and locked himself inside his office, pulling the cork out of the vial as soon as he sat down. He took a single long gulp and wiped any excess fluid from his lips. The liquid inside the vial was a murky colour, quite befitting of its taste, which was an odd mix of liquorice and vinegar.

The next day he woke to find his raven hair restored. When Kiyone brought him his breakfast she dropped the tray and squealed, believing for a moment that something terrible had happened to him. When Unohana saw, she insisted on running her fingers through it to check it. Ukitake believed she was quite hurt that he had thought her own treatments were so inferior that he was willing to put himself in Kurotsuchi's care.

The next few weeks were blissful. Despite Kurotsuchi's warnings, Ukitake did not notice any strange side effects other than the occasional itch to his scalp. He sent Kurotsuchi a bottle of sake as a sign of goodwill, though the other captain seemed not to notice the gesture. As the fourth week approached, he noticed white appearing amongst the black and took a second of dose of medicine.

The second, third and fourth dose worked just as effectively as the first, though he could not help but notice that the colour lasted less and less each time. White strands appeared as early as one week along and he wondered if he was becoming immune. When he came to take the fifth dose, his hair returned to white after a mere three days.

Kurotsuchi's words echoed in his mind, that he should not take the medicine any sooner, but he could not stand the thought of looking as he had before and swallowed the rest all in one go. For the rest of the night the itch on his scalp increase in severity, culminating in a terrible headache, but he did not complain, for his hair had gone jet black. Instead he went to bed, working out a way to explain to Kurotsuchi the next morning.

He was woken the next day by the sound of Kiyone dropping another breakfast tray, spilling tea all over the floor in the process. He climbed to his feet to try and show her that there was nothing to worry about, all the while wondering why she was still shocked by it after all of that time. Sentaro arrived seconds later and his reaction was much the same.

"You two," said Ukitake, smiling in his usual way. "What's the matter? You've seen me like this before..."

Neither Kiyone nor Sentaro said a word and Ukitake sighed before reaching for a mirror. Perhaps his hair had gone a different colour or fallen out. Whatever it was, he felt they were overreacting. When he saw his reflection, however, he dropped the mirror and screamed louder than either one of his vice-captains. His hair was black, yes, but he also seemed to have acquired an extra set of ears - fluffy black cat ears at that.

And so it was that Ukitake sat in Unohana's office recounting everything that had happened while she scanned her books and glared at him every time she turned a page. She did not have to say a word; he knew she was angry with him.

"Please hurry," Ukitake complained, his cat ears twitching. "I'm starting to itch...elsewhere."

He glanced forlornly at his rear.

Needless to say, Ukitake never asked for Kurotsuchi's help ever again.


	2. Kyoraku

Several things in the Soul Society went without saying. It was regarded as common sense, for example, that bringing up Hitsugaya's age or height in conversation was a very bad idea. In a similar fashion, nobody commented on Ukitake's bright white hair or offered him a cough sweet, nor did anyone mention Kenpachi's strange choice of hairstyle. Nobody badmouthed Yoruichi within earshot of Soi Fon, nor did they ask the General why he never trimmed his beard. Within seconds of stepping through the gates of the Gotei 13 it was if everyone knew what was out of bounds and what was downright pointless.

Kyoraku Shunsui, captain of the 8th squad, thought nothing of the fact that nobody disturbed him in a morning, though to everyone else it was the most obvious thing in the world. Everyone knew that while he had a weakness for women, his true Mistress was a bottle of saké. Kyoraku often woke up with next to no idea of what he had gotten up to while drunk and trying to piece everything together was a laborious process. His previous vice-captain had enjoyed saké almost as much as him, though never suffered the unfortunate side effects, which proved most useful. Back then, whenever he woke up with a resounding headache and dry tongue, Riza would have a list ready for him of people he needed to apologise to and objects he needed to return to their rightful places.

That's not to say Nanao was not equally as useful, though her approach to greeting him in the morning was to hand over paperwork for him to sign and, when he asked her if by chance she knew why there was a hippopotamus on the rampage around his division or one of the other captains seemed to be avoiding him, she would reply in a very pitiless fashion that she did not know.

One morning he woke up to find a serious looking orange peacock in the corner of his bedroom. It had a note in its beak declaring that he was thereby forbidden to set foot on the Kuchiki estate. He was convinced that he had never once visited the place.

When Nanao later arrived with a bundle of paperwork, he curled up underneath his desk to avoid the bright morning light that quickly followed. Her immaculate hair and uniform were a complete contrast to his own. His hair had escaped its bindings and was extremely knotted in places, while his robes were creased and discoloured by grass stains and a variety of spilled drinks.

Nanao ignored the peacock and positioned the pile of papers in the middle of his desk.

"You have a couple of files from the fourth squad," she began, lifting a folder from the top. "They require your signature for authorisation to -"

"Nanaoooo, it's early," Kyoraku complained, rubbing his eyes. "I need to-"

She ignored him, instead lifting up the next file. Kyoraku watched miserably as she did so.

"Nanaoooooooooooooo…."

"Yes, Captain?"

"I have a hang over, can't this wait a little longer?"

Nanao sighed and adjusted her glasses. She only ever did so when she was irritated and Kyoraku braced himself for a frosty dismissal. Had there been any onlookers unfamiliar with the pair, they might have been fooled into thinking that Nanao was the true Captain, persuaded into switching roles with her lazy vice-captain as a dare.

"Of course I can tell you have a hang over, Captain," she eventually said. "But that is no excuse to shirk your duties. Besides, the pile was a lot bigger than this last night."

For the first time since she had arrived Kyoraku noticed the small flaws in her otherwise pristine appearance. She had deep black bags underneath her eyes and small indentations in her cheeks where her glasses had pressed into her face as she slept.

Despite the difference in rank, Nanao was the one who won the argument. She tidied up his office while he dressed, complaining loudly that she did not understand how he could stand it being so messy. She shooed away the peacock and cleared all of the empty saké bottles from the floor and surrounding shelves. When Kyoraku emerged from his bedroom in clean robes she took the dirty ones, claiming that if she left it for him to sort out they would never be cleaned.

Kyoraku shuffled over to his desk as Nanao gathered up his laundry and moved towards the office door.

"Oh, Nanao, I almost forgot," he said. "You mentioned last night. I don't suppose you heard or saw anything, did you? Anything that might jog my memory?"

"No, Captain," was her reply. "I'm afraid I don't know anything that could be of use."

Kyoraku spent the morning filling out paperwork, giving his permission for his squad to undertake assignments and acknowledging that the sequence of events given in some reports was the correct one. He was, however, unable to distract himself from the mystery that was the previous night. How on earth had he ended up at the Kuchiki estate? And what had he done to warrant being forbidden to return?

He took a break after two hours and sat back against the wall. His headache had not subsided and, were it not for the fact that the ink on some of the reports was still wet, he could have taken a nap there and then. He stared at the ceiling with bloodshot eyes, thinking that perhaps he needed a drink, when there was a knock on his office door.

"Come in!" he called, hoping that it wasn't Nanao with yet more paperwork.

As it happened, he was in luck - the person on the other side of the door was Ukitake. Not only was he a more than adequate distraction from paperwork, but he may have had some information regarding the Kuchiki estate.

"Ukitake!" Kyoraku roared, climbing up onto his feet to welcome his old friend. "You're just the person I-"

He stopped mid sentence. Considering how well the two knew each other it was an inevitability that the miracle cure Kurotsuchi had passed onto Ukitake had cropped up in conversation. Kyoraku had admired Ukitake's newfound black hair, observing that he looked just like a European prince. The Ukitake standing before him right then had covered up most of his hair with a large hat, a few loose strands of hair draped across his face.

"Is that the new fashion, Ukitake?" he asked, leaning in to get a closer look. Ukitake flinched as he got closer and raised both of his hands to his head in defence.

"No, it's…" He glanced up at Kyoraku. "Promise you won't laugh?"

"Of course I won't," Kyoraku chuckled. "Now come on, you're scaring me."

Slowly, the other captain reached his hands up to the hat and pulled it off, leaving the hair underneath to fall across his shoulders. Kyoraku noted that he still had a full head of thick black hair. From the way Ukitake had been acting, he had wondered if perhaps his roots had grown back. He knew from the past few months just how much the other captain loathed it when that happened, but Ukitake's roots were black and there was no trace of even a single white strand.

Then he noticed that Ukitake's hair seemed to be moving, twitching from side to side. Kyoraku stepped closer to get a better look and he gasped when he saw what it was. Ukitake had a pair of black cat ears laid flat against the back his head. When he realised Kyoraku had seen them, they shot up to a ninety degree angle, making them quite plain to see.

"What have you done, Ukitake?" asked Kyoraku. He knew he had promised not to, but he could not stop himself doubling over with laughter. Ukitake did not seem surprised in the slightest by his reaction.

"Captain Kurotsuchi's medicine," he said, one ear facing forward while the other turned in the opposite direction, perhaps picking up on some noise outside. "I finally found out what the side effects are."

He dragged the hat back onto his head and adjusted it until he was satisfied. Kyoraku attempted to catch his breath and wiped the tears from his eyes.

"You don't look so good today," Ukitake said. "Are you feeling well?"

Kyoraku deliberately didn't comment on the irony of that statement and instead proceeded to tell the other captain about what had happened that morning, from the peacock to the letter from the Kuchiki estate to all of the paperwork Nanao had given him.

"I was hoping you might know something about it," he finished, unable to hide the hope from his voice. Ukitake had looked very thoughtful throughout his story but hadn't volunteered any information.

"You did invite me out," he said. "But I had a bad headache and stayed at home. I wonder…"

He looked so serious all of a sudden that Kyoraku's heart leapt into his chest.

"You wonder what?"

"Well, it's probably nothing," said Ukitake, pressing a clenched fist against his lips. "But my squad was training with Byakuya's earlier and-"

"And what?"

Ukitake smiled and shook his head.

"It's probably nothing," he said, with a pointed glance. "But Byakuya was not there."

It was a clue, no, more than a clue. Kyoraku didn't know why he hadn't thought to ask Byakuya earlier - the Kuchiki estate was his home, after all, and the sixth squad was situated reasonably close to his own. Perhaps he could ask him if he knew anything.

After Ukitake left some time later, Kyoraku finished off the last of his paperwork. It took a great deal of self restraint to prevent him from throwing a speedy goodbye and thank you to Ukitake and rushing straight over to the sixth squad barracks. As tempting as it was, he knew that hurrying over there in such a fashion and demanding to see Byakuya was the sign of a guilty conscience and he was not entirely sure if he had one.

It was three in the afternoon when he finally set down his pen and dragged his sugegasa onto his head. The walk to the sixth squad barracks was a relatively short one. Kyoraku took in the rapidly blooming cherry trees that lined the other squad's barracks and caught several falling petals as he passed.

The sixth squad barracks was a flurry of activity when he arrived. Several of the buildings were haphazardly coated with purple paint and a number of others were missing roofs. Byakuya's squad members were busy repainting the buildings, reattaching roofs and fixing doors back onto their hinges. The sound of construction was loud in the air and Kyoraku stood in the entrance for a while, taking in everything going on in front of him.

As he finally stepped inside, the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end as if all of the busy squad members were stealing glances at him as he passed. It was not a completely unrealistic scenario, as he thought about it. He wondered if any of the destruction was related to why he was banned from the Kuchiki estate and whether he should apologise as soon as he found Byakuya.

Byakuya's office seemed to be the only part of the barracks untouched by damage and it was almost entirely deserted. The only sign of life in the area was the blurred shape of Renji, Byakuya's vice-captain, rushing in and out of the office with what appeared to be a large pot in his arms.

"Abarai," Kyoraku called to him. "Might I speak to your captain?"

Renji did not seem to hear him and Kyoraku knocked on Byakuya's office door. They were both captains, after all.

"You might as well come in," Byakuya said from within and Kyoraku opened the door. He had decided that he was going to pretend he had heard the sound of construction from his own office and ask what had happened. In his imagination Byakuya sat with his back to him and explained that he had decided it was high time the barracks were redecorated. He could almost hear him saying that the older decoration looked cheap and was highly unfitting of a man of his station. It did not explain why the barracks looked as if they had caught the wrong end of a hurricane, but it certainly made Kyoraku feel better.

As he stepped inside, Kyoraku noted that Byakuya was sitting almost exactly as he had imagined with just one subtle difference. Instead of sitting with his back to the office door, Byakuya sat facing his office window, with the left of his body facing the door. He did not appear any different from usual, with the usual unimpressed expression plastered across his face and his hair and robes immaculately tidy.

"Byakuya," Kyoraku began. "I-"

He barely managed to begin his sentence when Byakuya spun in his seat to face him, noticeably shocked by the sound of his voice.

"I don't remember inviting you here," the other captain snapped. Kyoraku's attention was not on his words, however, but on Byakuya's appearance. He then understood why it was Byakuya had sat to the side and not with his back to the door as usual. While the left side of his body was as it always was, the right was a different matter all together. He had ink dripping down his face and neck from the right of his scalp, which he had coated in order to hide how utterly bald it was. Kyoraku realised the pot Renji had been carrying must have been full of ink.

Kyoraku said nothing at the time to Byakuya, save for a muffled apology as he left the room. When he returned to his own barracks he locked himself inside his office, his roars of laughter audible even at the first division barracks. No one ever found out what had conspired between the two captains the previous night, nor did anyone know why Kyoraku was unable to look Byakuya in the eye without laughing for many months afterwards.

The only fact everyone could agree on was thus: Kyoraku never again questioned why it was he was forbidden from the Kuchiki estate. It was just another one of those things that went without saying.


	3. Renji

The 13 court Squads had existed within the Soul Society for far longer than most people could remember and, as a result, had gone through many changes in its inner infrastructure and code. It came as no surprise to the General that many centuries before, for example, that failure to submit paperwork on time resulted in severe punishment for all involved. The General remembered a time when there was only four squads, with only three male members apiece. The court squads had been updated a lot over time, mostly for the better, though it was not unusual for those old enough to remember how it had been to complain about how those new whippersnappers had no idea how lucky they were.

Among the changes was a form circulated around each barracks biannually. Having witnessed the importance of staff feedback in Living World organisations, the first squad prepared a questionnaire of their own. The "Shinigami TalkBack Form" contained twenty questions on various different aspects of Shinigami life, ranging from how well the Captains were perceived to be doing their job to the quality of the food in the staff cafeteria. Naturally the forms were done anonymously and only the Central 46 were permitted to read their contents.

Generally speaking, it was the responsibility of each squad's captain and vice-captain to hand out the forms and collect them in time for the deadline, when they were to be passed onto the first squad. In the majority of squads the work was shared equally, though in certain ones most of it automatically went to the vice captain for one reason or another. The sixth squad, led by Kuchiki Byakuya, was no exception to this rule. As soon as the forms appeared on his desk he summoned his vice, claiming that handing out the forms himself was quite undignified. Renji gained many of his muscles from carrying the weighty piles of paperwork around and the design of his tattoos was inspired by the times fresh ink from the forms had brushed against his skin.

Byakuya knew very well that he was forbidden from reading the contents of the TalkBack forms and, had he been the one in charge of them, would have honoured the rules. Renji, on the other hand, who had spent his formative years in Rukongai slums, did not understand the reason behind matters such as confidentiality and usually flicked through the feedback forms before they went to Central 46.

He often found great amusement in the fact that he knew the opinions of the squad better than their own captain, though there was one thing that constantly struck him as unfair about the forms. In contrast to the six questions about the captain, only three were reserved for the vice captain. They were far simpler to answer, with more tick boxes than anything else. Squad members were given a list of qualities and asked to tick as many boxes as they could that they felt applied to their vice captain. Whenever Renji came to read the feedback forms, he noticed that, while most members of squad 6 chose 'charming', 'good leader' and 'intelligent' for Byakuya, they only ever chose 'intimidating', 'impatient' and 'reckless' for him.

Each time he read the results of the TalkBack forms, he remembered the afternoon he was invited into the General's office and offered the position of sixth squad lieutenant. He had jumped at the chance, not even stopping to ask why it was the previous lieutenant had left. This was his chance to be back in Rukia's life after so many years apart and he wasn't going to risk jeopardising it.

That same day Byakuya had summoned him into his office, presumably to go over his expectations and the rules of squad 6. Renji sat down in front of Byakuya, ready for everything his new captain could throw at him - even though he hated the man, he was willing to push that onto the back burner if it meant he could spend time with Rukia. Byakuya had been sitting behind his desk with a half empty cup of tea in his grip as Renji stepped inside his office; he took a lengthy sip in favour of acknowledging his entrance. Renji had noticed that there was a cushion on the other side of his desk and, when Byakuya neither confirmed nor denied that it was for him, sank down onto it. Byakuya placed the cup back down on his desk and turned his gaze in Renji's direction. Renji sat there, while later her would fervently deny it, with bated breath.

"I do not remember," Byakuya's voice cut the silence, taking Renji completely by surprise and sending his heart rate through the roof, "giving you permission to sit down."

Despite himself, Renji found himself apologising quickly and jumping back up to his feet. He had wanted to appear strong in front of this man, strong enough to be worthy of keeping Rukia's company once again, yet somehow he felt completely docile in this man's presence.

Byakuya lifted his tea cup and stopped just before taking another sip.

"Would you like some tea?"

Renji had been completely taken off guard by the question. Perhaps it was a trick question, perhaps he expected him to say 'no' so he could laugh at his commoner roots? Renji screwed up his face and nodded slowly. He opened one eye slowly and then the other, expecting his new captain to be laughing at him and proved completely wrong. His new captain sat behind the desk, pointing to something a little way behind him and Renji craned his neck to see what it was.

Looking back, he didn't know why it had surprised him so much that the object was a small kettle resting on a hot plate, nor could he explain why he was so surprised when Byakuya insisted he pour his own tea as it was quite a 'common' thing to do and therefore unfitting of a man of honourable blood.

It turned out there was a lot of things Byakuya deemed unfitting of his blood. Early the next morning, Renji was jolted awake by the sensation of a hell butterfly landing on his face. It was from Byakuya with news of an emergency. Naturally, Renji launched himself out of bed, dressed speedily and all but ran to his captain's quarters to find out what the problem was. He bumped into several squad members on the way, all of whom had headed in his direction to introduce themselves. He had been so busy moving his belongings into his new quarters that he had not met many other members of the squad and he had planned to do so that evening. As they approached him to tell him their name, he was in such a rush to get to Byakuya's quarters that he was unable to do anything besides order them to move aside as there was an emergency. They all looked at him as though he was quite mad and, when he finally arrived at Byakuya's quarters, began to understand why.

Byakuya was sitting up in bed when Renji finally reached him, clutching a stop watch and looking unimpressed about something.

"Capt-" Renji began, freezing on the spot as he noticed the state of his captain. "W-I thought there was an emergency!"

Byakuya nodded as if he had stated something ridiculously obvious.

"Yes, there is," he said. "Do you know how long it took you to get here? It took you a full three and a half minutes."

"Captain I-"

"In those three and a half minutes I could have been murdered, kidnapped or worse. I could have been facing a Menos by myself."

"With all due respect, Captain, considering your rank I'm sure you could handle any one of those situations-"

"In usual circumstances, yes. But what if I had been poisoned earlier? You did not offer to taste my tea for me."

"You were all ready drinking the tea when I arrived," said Renji, enunciating each syllable as if he was talking to somebody very young or very stupid. "If it was poisoned then it would all ready have been too late and there would be nothing either of us could do about it."

Byakuya stared at him for a few moments before sighing deeply and leaning back against his pillows like a child who had received everything except what he wanted.

"Captain," said Renji. "Is there actually an emergency?"

Byakuya thought for a second and then nodded.

"Yes, I'm hungry."

Instead of introducing himself to the rest of the sixth squad later on that day as he had planned, Renji instead spent the time hunting down a particularly obscure breed of goose for his captain to eat. While he stalked the thing in the forests surrounding the sixth squad barracks, any existing member of the squad who spotted him and thought to call him over received a very frosty reply indeed.

And so it was that Renji learned exactly why the previous vice captain had left, for within a week his job encompassed hunting down and cooking his captain's meals, tasting his food and drink beforehand to ensure it was not poisonous and even darning holes in Byakuya's robes. He had dreaded to think what would happen if Rukia saw him as he was - he had dreamed of bragging about his promotion to her, yet with the way things were, he felt that if she did see him she would laugh. Promotion? No. It felt as if he had been demoted.

The longer Renji spent being kind and docile around Byakuya, the more annoyed with the other members of the squad he became. They only ever seemed to approach him for drinks while he was busy running an errand, or start conversation with him while he was in deep concentration. He found himself bearing his teeth and shouting at them almost every time they came near, until eventually none of them dared come closer at all.

Every day, in the early hours of the morning, a hell butterfly from Byakuya would land on his face. Each one demanded his presence in Byakuya's quarters due to an emergency, which ranged from the captain having a sudden thirst for monkey picked oolong to a single thread coming loose from him robes. Every time, Byakuya would greet him with stopwatch in hand, scolding him if he took longer than three minutes and acting quite indifferent if he didn't.

Within months, Renji began to wonder why it was he had been so determined to join that squad. The skin on his fingertips was coarse where he had darned so many robes, his eyes were framed by thick black bags and the scent of tea made him feel physically ill. Whenever he and Byakuya visited other sqads, he paid close attention to the state of the other vice captain. He took great care in observing how the other vice captains acted around their captain - whether they seemed to expect commands as he did or looked particularly weather-beaten from late nights and early mornings. He could not understand why it was that everybody else seemed to have a far better deal than he did. Nanao was often invited to drink saké with her own Captain, while Yachiru spent most of her day eating sweets and sleeping on Kenpachi's shoulders. Even Kira was allowed to sleep in.

The TalkBack reports were the last straw. Renji knew for a fact that the only reason his team-mates believed he was aggressive and impatient was because of Byakuya's ridiculous demands. If he did not all ready dream of bashing the man around the back of the head with a particularly heavy teapot, the unfairness of the TalkBack forms sealed it forever.

After the third round of TalkBack forms, Renji's bad mood had reached its peak. How could the other members of the squad be so stupid that they believed he was the oaf Byakuya always said he was? How had they not noticed the endless errands he was given?

He found himself storming over to Byakuya's office without being called, a handful of the forms clutched tightly in his hand. All of the squad members he passed on the way there launched themselves out of his path and muttered to one another that it could not mean anything good. The adrenaline in his body was high, he could feel his heart drumming in his chest. He didn't think he'd ever been so angry before.

"Captaaain!" Renji yelled as he kicked open Byakuya's office door. "I have something I need to say to you!"

Just as quickly as he had gotten angry, it eased, for Byakuya was not alone in his office. Instead he was sitting at his desk, sharing a cup of tea with the captain of the eighth squad - Kyoraku, he believed was his name. Byakuya seemed to be going through some sort of paperwork with the other captain and stared up at Renji in confusion. Renji knew there was no way he could give Byakuya a beating while Kyoraku was around and he froze on the spot, trying to think of a different reason why he had entered in such a fashion. It turned out not to be necessary as, while Kyoraku regarded him in shock, Byakuya had not taken his eyes off the paperwork.

"Ah, Abarai," he said, in such a way that any onlooker would have believed he summoned him there. "Make yourself useful and brew a pot of tea for Captain Kyoraku and myself. Chai, if I have any left."

Kyoraku's instant reaction to this was to smile broadly and rifle in his robes for something.

"Oh no, that won't be necessary, Captain Kuchiki! I am not such a bad guest that I enter someone else's house empty handed!"

He finally found what it was he had been looking for and dragged what appeared to be a saké bottle out of his robes and placed it on Byakuya's desk.

"See," he said. "This is a top grade saké from Miyagi prefecture, go on, try it! I think it has a very distinctive taste."

Renji knew that Byakuya had no taste for saké but would not say no to a drink with Kyoraku, who also came a noble family. Sure enough, Byakuya waved for him to leave and Renji bowed before stepping outside once again, cursing under his breath as he did so. He would have to wait until the next morning to let Byakuya know exactly what he thought of him and the thought did not sit well with him at all.

Even though he was able to go to bed early for the first time since his promotion, Renji laid awake for hours, staring at the ceiling. Byuakuya did not send him a single hell butterfly, which struck him as suspicious. Usually he required a massage or pedicure before bed but he had not requested either.

He knew he should have been content with the silence and ignored his worries, but no matter how he tossed and turned he could not sleep. He found himself imagining all kinds of terrible scenarios, that maybe it was another trick, like the tea tasting. When someone knocked on his door, he all but jumped to his feet to answer.

The person knocking was the squad's third seat, who looked terrified.

"Abarai," he cried. "You have to come, it's terrible, it's-"

Renji pushed past him into the cold night air and gasped when he saw the outside. Several of the buildings were on fire and others were coated in graffiti. Five or six squad members were running from building to building trying to put out the flames.

"Is it a hollow?" Renji demanded, turning back to the third seat, who immediately shrank back against the wall.

"No, it's, it's worse than that…"

"A menos?"

"No, worse!"

Renji lifted the third seat by his collar.

"WHAT IS IT!"

"Well…it's the Captain…he's…"

"What?"

"DRUNK!"

Renji lowered the third seat to the ground and regarded him suspiciously.

"You're saying he did all of this?"

"Yes, sir."

Renji almost wanted to cry with laughter at the idea that Kyoraku was a better behaved drunk than his own captain, though had to settle for a single chuckle, considering their barracks was burning to the ground around them. He did not comment on the irony that even when Byakuya was not there he was still cleaning up after him and instead barked orders at the rest of the squad, designating certain people to certain jobs. He did not respond when one of the other squad members told him that Byakuya and Kyoraku had gone to the Kuchiki residence for more drinks.

The next morning, Renji slept in much later than he usually would and took a leisurely stroll through the barracks, checking up on the rebuilding effort. In the sunlight he could see the damage much better and he was half excited and half nervous at what Byakuya's reaction would be. He decided to check up on Byakuya's quarters and inform him of what had happened so that he could not be scolded for starting the rebuilding process without him.

He was somewhat surprised to find that Byakuya had actually returned to his quarters and lay sprawled across his bedroom floor with his head resting on the bed. He had never seen his Captain lie so still before and nudged him with his toe to make sure he was still alive. Byakuya fell at the touch of his shoe and onto his side, but even as his head made contact with the floor he did not wake. Renji glanced around the room, before closing the door, a mischievous grin crossing his face.

Several hours later, Byakuya emerged from his bedroom sporting a migraine, only to discover that his squad fell down laughing as soon as they saw him. He wondered if he had walked into a bad dream until Renji emerged from the crowds and advised him to go back into his quarters. Once inside, Renji handed him a mirror and Byakuya almost dropped it when he saw his reflection. His eyes were bloodshot and his lips were dry but that wasn't the worst part. His hair, the part of his body he loved the most, was tousled and knotted on one side and on the other…completely bald as if it had been shaved.

His hands shaking, he glanced up at Renji.

"W-What happened?" he asked, just above a whisper. Renji stood there with folded arms, his expression one of utmost disapproval.

"I don't know, Captain," was his reply. "You left the barracks with Captain Kyoraku…"

The sixth squad's complete collection of TalkBack forms were burned in the fire and the first squad begrudgingly sent out duplicates. For the first (and possibly only) time in Renji's time as vice captain, he read through the forms to find that most of the squad members had changed their answers. No longer was Byakuya 'charming', a 'good leader' and 'intelligent', nor Renji 'intimidating', 'impatient' or 'reckless'.

Renji never mentioned to anyone else that when he had first found his captain he had had a full head of hair.


	4. Yachiru

Of the several hundred policies applied to the Gotei 13 during its centuries-old existence, the single most popular one was that which dealt with diversity. Becoming a fully fledged Shinigami was no longer out of reach for that unfortunate few who could not afford to pay for their Academy training or trace their noble lineage back at least nine generations. The interview process, which had formerly consisted of name-dropping and little else, was completely revamped to include a close analysis of exam reports, personal statements from each candidate and, failing everything else, a series of questions exploring how the interviewee would cope with certain scenarios prevalent within the thirteen squads.

Naturally the older members of the Gotei 13, who were used to accepting students of noble birth into their squads without question, were quite taken aback by the new rules and regulations. To them each new recruit looked more ridiculous than the last. They whispered amongst themselves that to enter the 13 squads all one had to do was produce a worthy sob story. Naturally, General Yamamoto (who had himself benefited from diversity policies many years before) got tired of listening to their squawking and created the Honour club. The Honour club, named by its members was the midpoint between Central 46 and the existing Men's club and gave all of the older members of the thirteen court squads the opportunity to discuss important matters amongst themselves and bring them to his attention should they wish it. Despite the fact that the club itself came about as a result of new diversity policies following arguments in the Central 46 that the elderly felt they were not being listened to by their sprightly squad mates, the Honour club was an unforeseen success with members having regular meetings and handing in letters voicing their concerns to Yamamoto every couple of weeks. When he elected a blind captain, he immediately received a letter from them begging him to rethink his decision. If the man could not see his subordinates' faces how could he properly judge their character(1)? When he elected a non-humanoid captain he received another letter, asking how he could justify the terror it would inevitably cause the man's squad.

Kusajishi Yachiru, lieutenant of the eleventh squad, frequented their letters of concern. Each letter made the same point - that Yachiru was only a small child, the smallest that had ever set foot within their borders and her presence within the thirteen court squads was unashamedly cruel. Yamamoto read all of these letters and breathed exasperated sighs. He could not deny that upon first meeting her he himself had been uneasy. He had met many children her size at the side of battlefields, mourning their parents or hiding from hollows. He had planned to say no himself but he had also been painfully aware that the new Kenpachi would not agree to become captain if she was not permitted to be his lieutenant. Considering the previous Kenpachi was in no position to reclaim his post, Yamamoto had to rethink his strategy. He interviewed Yachiru separately to Kenpachi, with a focus on her mental health and physical strength. Both far exceeded his expectations and, while he was a little irritated that she had not entered his realm through the usual methods, he could not deny that she was more than qualified for a lieutenant position. He repeated these facts over and over again in his replies to the Honour club but it seemed that no matter how many times he repeated himself his message went unheard. With half a mind to keep himself at ease and the other to quieten the Honour club up he instated Yachiru as the head of the Women's Association and ensured she saw a military counsellor every few months.

Yachiru always responded positively to the counselling (out of adoration for the bowl of sweets that her counsellor had on their desk more than anything else) and no one could dispute that her role as Women's Association president suited her perfectly. Even the Honour Club could not deny that Yachiru behaved as if she did not notice the physical differences between herself and her squad members, much less that she loved sweets more than saké.

In actual fact Yachiru _had_ noticed the differences. She noticed that strangers patted her on the head upon introduction rather than shake her hand. She noticed that the furniture in her personal quarters and her Shinigami robes had to be specially made and, unlike the adults in the Women's Association, she could not find any spares in the eleventh squad barracks that fit her. She also noticed on several occasions that the other members of the Women's Association preferred visiting onsen baths to making mud pies as part of the Christmas celebrations.

You might think that Yachiru was saddened by this, that she constantly felt left out. In fact this was far from the case. Yachiru had no rivals to speak of and all of the sweets and treats in the thirteen squads were hers to coax out of everyone's pockets. Yachiru revelled in her unique position as the youngest member of the court guards and told anyone that would listen that she would not change that for anything.

Well, _almost_ anything.

The thing Yachiru never mentioned to anyone else was that there was just one thing about her unique position as the smallest Shinigami that saddened her. As the president of the Women's Association she soon discovered that a lot of the issues and discussion topics brought up at meetings were things she did not understand. She had no experience of being leered at by men or her robes being too tight around her bust. What's more, she certainly did not understand why it was that at certain times of the month her older counterparts seemed to have more issues with the male Shinigami than usual.

She brought up several of these topics on the occasions that the General asked for full feedback from the Men's and Women's association and each time she was very aware that she did not understand what it was she was asking for. She knew that Unohana and the rest of the fourth squad probably had the answers, but she prided herself too much as the eleventh squad lieutenant to bother asking them. What's more, she never brought up her curiosities at Women's Association meetings, instead asking Kenpachi whenever she had the opportunity. She was quite disappointed to learn that he didn't know very much about women either, except an odd little story told to him by the original Yachiru about swords and scabbards.

The last thing Yachiru wanted was to do her job as president badly and she decided to take matters into her own hands. If she did not understand what it meant to be a woman, there was only one feasible option. She would have to become one.

And so it was that Yachiru devised a plan to get exactly what she wanted. She knew that visiting the fourth squad was a complete taboo amongst the other members of her own, though she felt that sneaking into their barracks and stealing from them did not exactly count as visiting. Each night, for a week before her scheme was to take place, she drew a map of the position of each of the thirteen squad barracks in wax crayon. She did not mention her plan to Kenpachi, not because she thought he would not help her, but because she wanted it to be a surprise.

When the day finally came, Yachiru pretended to fall asleep, all the while waiting for Kenpachi to. When the sound of his guttural snores reached her ears, she pulled a mask over her face, grabbed her map and crept out of the barracks. Everything seemed to go according to plan - the streets were all but empty and even the sentry guards of some squads had fallen asleep. While Yachiru was very experienced when it came to sneaking past them, she was so excited about surprising everyone that some of her footsteps were not quite as silent as they could have been and at some points she even giggled out loud.

She reached the fourth squad faster than she had at first thought and patted herself on the back for her speed. She noticed that it looked a lot different in the dark and crept inside, keeping an eye out for the laboratory sections. She was not familiar with the layout of the fourth squad, so ended up getting lost a few times before finding the section she wanted.

The fourth division laboratories were larger than she had expected, with entire display cabinets full to the brim with vials of unidentifiable liquids and pickled creatures. There was an odd smell to the place, though not entirely unpleasant, seemingly coming from a device that resembled a cauldron in the centre. It seemed that somebody had been doing some experiments only recently, as the cauldron was full of a strange liquid that glistened ominously whenever the light hit it.

Yachiru climbed to the top of each display cabinet and rifled through all of the vials, looking for something that would transform her into an adult. Each of the vials had a label on, with words of varying lengths scribbled onto them in spidery handwriting. None of the vials had anything relevant to her own situation written on them.

A little way behind her, isolated from the others, was an older looking display case, full to the point of bursting just as the others were. The vials inside this particular case were coated in such thick layers of dust and cobwebs that their contents were obscured and their labels difficult to read. It was the last case in the room and, failing to find anything in the others, Yachiru wandered over to that one. It was slightly ricketier than the other ones and as she climbed she felt it shifting under her weight. She gripped on twice as tightly and made her way to the handles, using all of her weight to pull open the glass doors of the case. As she opened the first door, a cloud of dust emerged from within, filling her eyes and nose and causing her to sneeze. As she did so, her entire body shook against the case and she lost her footing, leaving her dangling from one of the shelves.

Yachiru shut her eyes so that she didn't see how far it was to the ground and tried to better her grip on the shelves, scrambling her legs and feet against the other shelves to regain her footing. She brushed against several vials during this process, all of which trembled at her touch and threatened to fall. She loosed one hand from the shelving just in time to catch two of the three bottles that threatened to fall at her touch. The third, labelled 'Kitty whiskers', carried on falling until it landed in the cauldron below with a loud 'plop', followed by a hiss as the two liquids mixed into one.

Yachiru breathed a sigh of relief, as she could not think of anyone that would want a vial called 'kitty whiskers' and positioned the vials in her grip back on the shelf. Finally regaining her grip, she climbed to the top of the shelf and examined the vials. The third or fourth one she came to seemed to be the one she was looking for. The liquid inside it was a strange amber shade and, while the label was smudged and she could not read its full title, she could read that it began with 'gir' and was a transformation formula. 'Gir' must have been short to 'girl to woman' and she placed the vial inside her robes before attempting to climb down. The case could not so easily hold her weight on the way down and it threatened to tip as she moved, finally caving as she reached the lowest shelves. Yachiru jumped to the side as it crashed the floor, vials smashing everywhere and sparks jumping as some of the liquids mixed into one.

Yachiru was not sure if she had ever run so fast as she did to escape the fourth squad that night, the stolen vial clutched tightly in her hand. Kenpachi was still snoring when she returned. Giggling under her breath, Yachiru tucked herself up in bed before unscrewing the top of the vial and swallowing it all in one gulp.

The next morning, Yachiru drifted out of sleep to discover that Kenpachi was still snoring and sunlight shone through the windows. She felt somewhat drowsy, but as she remembered what she had gotten up to the previous night, she immediately found the energy to jump to her feet. She was a lot taller than she last remembered and her head bumped against the ceiling.

"Ken-chan!" she shouted gleefully, rubbing her face against Kenpachi's sleeping form. "KEN-CHAN!"

Kenpachi stopped snoring and grunted awake, staring up at the new Yachiru for the first time.

"Hey, Ken-chan!" said Yachiru. "Am I pretty?"

Kenpachi's immediate response was to reach for his zanpakuto and jump off the bed.

"Ken-chan, what are you doing? It's-"

"I don't know who you are, or why you ate Yachiru, but I've been looking for a good fight!"

Yachiru was confused by his words. Didn't he recognise her? Was she ugly? It was only as she ran out of the room to escape the wrath of his sword and caught her reflection in the lake outside that she understood. She had transformed, that much was true, but she had not transformed into a woman as she had hoped.

That same day, Kurotsuchi Mayuri, captain of the twelfth division and research department, discovered something similarly irritating in his own barracks. It appeared that there had been an intruder during the night who had ransacked the place. Curiously, nothing had been taken save for just one of his formulas - number seventy six, 'Giraffa Camelopardalis' - a special blend created with the intention of transforming whoever drank it into a giraffe. It was one of his earlier creations and practically useless so he could not understand why someone had bothered to steal it.

It was several days before Yachiru realised that she had not stolen anything from the fourth division but, thanks to her terrible sense of direction, had gone completely the wrong way and entered the twelfth division instead. It was several weeks before the spots disappeared from her skin and she returned to her usual self.

One useful thing did come out of the entire experience, however, and that was that for the first time whenever the other members of the Women's Association mentioned how annoyed they were by the unwanted advances of men around the thirteen squads and how their robes didn't fit them properly, she understood exactly what they meant.

Or at least, she thought she did.

(1) Granted, Yamamoto probably should have listened to that one.


End file.
