Code Geass 1. Chapter 1

A/N: Before I say anything else. Canon-wise this pairing could never happen, but I do like the pairing. See in my mind, Suzaku belongs with Euphemia, but se died. Lelouch belongs with C.C., but if Geass had never intervened then Shirley would be the next best choice, but since Geass did intervene and the fact that Shirley was written out of the series, (Saving certain people from spoilers here), that didn't work out either. However, I did notice that Shirley and Euphemia have some similar character traits and since I believe Lelouch belongs with C.C...well you get this. So this story takes place between R1 and R2 with altered events in R1. In this story, Mao never showed up which means that Shirley still has her memories and in this story she never saw him as Zero. Also, when the R2 plotline comes about, for lack of explanation, let's just say that Shirley didn't get her memory re-written. (I don't know why she didn't. This is a random one-shot, what do you expect? Mile-long exposition? Ain't nobody got time for that.)

Warnings: There is mention of self-harm in this and the story is centered around Suzaku/Shirley, a very uncommon pairing for this fandom. I hope you guys enjoy it anyway though. Randomness for the win people!

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_When the Tables Turned_

Shirley wasn't sure how it happened. She couldn't explain the situation or the internal conflict brought to her state of conciousness. To top it off she didn't have a firm grasp on what events brought her to the conclusion staring her in the face in the early hours of the morning. At one time, most everything in Shirley Fennette's world had been simple. Not very long ago she was a naïve teenager without a set plan for the future. The only thing she knew she wanted was to be able to gain the attention of a certain boy with radiant but sad violet eyes. For the last year it had been her mission to get him alone, to tell him how she felt about him. Alas, life had other plans.

Because somewhere down the line of events and circumstances Shirley lost the ability to pick one side over another as her life and world were stationed in the middle ground between good and evil. During that time, the clear-cut world that was black and white shifted into hues of murky grey and ended up staying that way.

Again, Shirley couldn't pinpoint when her heart started to shift in another direction, just that it did. At the same time though, she was still longing for that naïve teenage dream to come true.

Sighing softly, Shirley sat up in bed and began raking her fingers through the tangles in her head of dark strawberry blonde hair. The blue cotton long-sleeved shirt she wore hung from her left shoulder slightly, adding to the disheveled look she was sporting. Blinking the sleep out of her eyes she stared out the window of her dorm room. Outside the sun was steadily rising over the soft clouds. The sky was a mix of blue, red, and pink. The young woman held back a smile at the sight.

After another minute of staring at the sunrise she slowly shifted her weight in the small bed so she could look at the source of her confusion. The young man lying next to her was still sound asleep. His black Ashford Academy blazer lay haphazardly on the floor next to his shoes while the rest of his clothes served as his pajamas.

Shirley's leaf green eyes took in the rumpled state of the dress shirt he still wore. The top three buttons had been undone, leaving some of his toned chest exposed. Since he was laying on top of the covers, Shirley ended up staring at the man's legs for a moment. She found it cute that they were somewhat balled up underneath him as if he were about to curl into the fetal postion. Even in that curled up state though, she could see the shape of his muscles through his pants just as she could see the lean muscles in his arms through the sleeves of his shirt. Having seen those legs and arms in action during combat, she knew that they were strong...that he was strong.

After looking at his body for another moment with an evident blush on her face, Shirley opted to stare at his face. At one time, she would have never thought of this man as being super attractive. Sure he was handsome, but a few months ago her eyes had only been set on one man and one man only.

Back then, all she wanted was a chance to be with Lelouch Lamperouge. She loved him and even now she still wanted to be with him.

However, as she took in mused chestnut colored hair that fell over closed emerald eyes, Shirley couldn't deny that she was beginning to have feelings for Suzaku Kururugi also.

The realization made her feel nauseous with guilt yet at the same time she felt joy from simply watching him sleep soundly. Having spent a good deal of time with him recently, she knew Suzaku was usually plagued with nightmares. He wasn't one to scream or bring attention to the traumas piling up in his mind, but often when he slept and Shirley was around to witness it, she would see his expression shift into an expression of horrified remembrance and watch as his hands moved to grip the nearest object in a death grip.

So for him to have such a peaceful and innocent expression on his face felt like a little miracle to Shirley. She loved the idea that being in her company made him feel safe and wanted within a world that continuously cast unfair judgement on him. Every day he worked to make a good name for himself, for his people who had been labeled elevens by her race of people. Despite that, Suzaku kept going. He continued to make good on his word to change the world from the inside, one step at a time.

Perhaps he was changing her too, but again, Shirley couldn't place when she started feeling this way. For as long as she could remember, she'd been in love with Lelouch...was still in love with Lelouch. Her feelings for him weren't about to take a vacation because of Suzaku's unintentional interference. She still longed to see those violet eyes that had claimed the hearts of nearly every girl on campus. She still wanted the opportunity to be in his arms again even though she knew it would probably never happen.

Because after the one kiss they shared in the rain...Lelouch became more distant than usual. She saw him less and eventually he completely disappeared from the Academy along with his sister Nunnally.

Maybe that's when it started. As Lelouch slowly began to disappear from her life, Suzaku became more apparent in it. When Shirley needed Lelouch the most he was gone and to a degree...Suzaku took his place. He was there to lend a hand or say encouraging words. She had so many memories of Suzaku consoling her, memories she wanted Lelouch to be in, but alas, the singular memory she had of Lelouch consoling her was that kiss in the rain...

And that kiss...she wanted her first kiss with Lelouch to be something she could look fondly on, for it to happen during a romantic date or something similar, and Shirley bitterly reflected that the setting and circumstances of that kiss were a far cry from what she had wanted. She had just gotten the news that her father had died, that Zero was responsible for his death. When she and her mother saw the body, Shirley had put up a brave front to comfort her mother, but afterward, with Lelouch as the only witness...she fell apart.

Shirley hated admitting this to herself, but she knew a part of her had used the situation to finally get what she wanted most from Lelouch, for him to show that he cared about her.

Unfortunately, even though the kiss itself was everything she had hoped it would be, the emotions behind it were not. She could feel Lelouch's emotions of pity, sorrow, and excruciating guilt...that last one was still a bit puzzling to her. Why would he feel guilty? It's not like he was the one that killed her father. Maybe he felt guilty because he thought he was taking advantage of her in a vulnerable state. Whatever the case, there wasn't anything in that kiss that told Shirley that he felt the same things she did. He cared about her yes, but love wasn't in the equation.

Looking back, she couldn't believe that it had only been six months since the kiss. It felt like it had happened a lifetime ago. All of her memories of that time felt as if they had transpired eons before the present day she was living in.

Six months ago, the night after she kissed Lelouch, Shirley made up her mind to keep a smile on her face. Throughout the days prior to her father's funeral, Shirley played up the cheerful bravado even as the terrible news traveled through the school. Those days at school proved to be more difficult than most given that not only were people trying to offer words of comfort and failing, but there were others in the school that were going through the same thing and weren't even bothering to cover up their grief.

Most of the student council members kept their distance, with Nina doing her usual thing and Milly opting to keep Shirley busy with piles of easy paperwork and extend a word of encouragement here and there. Lelouch had disappeared completely, Nunnally had caught another cold, and Suzaku wasn't on school grounds at the time because he was in Narita helping with the recovery unit. Shirley had noticed him there, but she didn't look his way or say hi at the time for obvious reasons.

So that left Rivalz, and he was trailing behind her like a puppy during the first half of the week, trying his best to distract her with mindless babbling about random things Shirley didn't care about, but she kept up the bravado anyway and laughed when he attempted telling her a joke.

It wasn't until Thursday morning that Shirley's resolve started to crack. She received a call from her mother. Her father's body had just been transported to the Tokyo Settlement and now it was being prepared for the funeral.

Up until that point, Shirley had been able to pretend that nothing was wrong without much trouble. Having poured herself into Milly's paperwork, her studies, and swim club for half the week, she hadn't given herself time to even think about the upcoming funeral.

Now the date was practically shouting at her from the calendar.

Shirley felt like a zombie as she traveled through the school halls that day. People passed by her, extending a happy hello. She returned the greeting as cheerfully as she could, hoping it would be enough for them to keep running down the hall without her having to hear the, "Are you alright?" phrase that had been thrown at her a good deal already. She really didn't want to hear it again. It was a painful reminder on its own, one that said that she should be crying her eyes out and making a spectacle of herself in response to her father's death.

She felt like she had already done that with Lelouch and she wasn't about to go down that road again.

However, halfway through the day, a few minutes before her Chemistry class was scheduled to begin, Shirley's throat started to tighten and her eyes began to water. She tried filling her mind with happy memories of her father to calm her down, to remind her that she had to be strong, but remembering her father's smiling face only made it worse. Her legs began to shake as her footsteps slowed to a stop. Then, after a few seconds of contemplation she turned on her heel, forcing a smile as she made her way out of the building and toward the Student Council Clubhouse. The idea to see if Lelouch was home entered her mind, but she dismissed it, deciding then and there that she did not want him to see her cry again.

By the time she reached the confines of the empty student council room, Shirley's eyes had already flooded with tears. She slid down against the wall next to the doors, her legs finally giving out as she let out a soft sob. A couple more strangled sobs escaped her, but for the most part she was using her hands as a muzzle to keep the sound of her crying quiet. As the minutes rolled by though, it became more difficult for her to keep those screams of anguish inside. Once more she tried to think of happy memories, of the times her father smiled fondly at her or when he cheered her on during a swim meet. She knew thinking of her father wasn't going to help anything, good memories or not, but the unfortunate thing is that it was all she could think about.

That was when Suzaku came through the automated doors. Shirley didn't hear him come in. She'd been too focused on trying to keep herself quiet.

Immediately upon seeing her he dropped his briefcase and rushed over to her, kneeling down so he'd be eye level with her.

"Shirley?" he began, making sure not to touch her.

Shirley gasped hoarsely in response, turning to meet Suzaku's gaze with horror reflected in her eyes.

"Suzaku...I..." she trailed off while attempting wipe away the tears and get back on her feet. "Don't worry...I just...I just..." she trailed off again when her attempt to stand on shaky legs sent her stumbling forward. Suzaku was up in an instant to catch her. He slowly lowered her back down to the floor, seeing her shaky state. He didn't let go though. Instead he pulled her into a hug.

"I heard about your father Shirley," he said simply, barely tightening his grip. "I know you loved him very much." He paused, waiting for Shirley to respond. She couldn't. She was stuck in a shocked state of confusion, unsure of what to do or where to go. If her legs didn't feel like two tons of lead she probably would have tried to hightail it out of the room.

When Suzaku didn't receive a response he pulled away and stared directly into Shirley's eyes. "It's okay Shirley. Let it out."

It was a few seconds before Shirley was able to process the meaning of his words. However, once the words registered the tears started all over. Try as she might, she couldn't keep the pain inside anymore.

"How could he die like that?" she asked, practically screaming as her head fell against Suzaku's chest. "He was in Narita for a business trip. He was supposed to come back home! Why did Zero and Princess Cornelia have to fight while he was there!? Why did my father and all of those innocent people have to die!?"

Suzaku didn't respond to her questions, simply held her as she sobbed and screamed out questions he couldn't answer. The front of his uniform was wet with her tears, but he didn't mind it. Shirley could sense that he was willing to stay and console her for as long as she needed. Shirley took comfort from knowing that. She took comfort in his arms wrapped protectively around her and his Earthy scent. Those things coupled with the warmth she felt from him made her feel as if her father was hugging her and saying that everything would be okay. That she would be okay without him.

Shirley's body slowly relaxed against Suzaku's then as the sobs died down. Her arms, which had clutched the front of his blazer in a death grip loosened a bit. It was only then that Suzaku spoke.

"Shirley...I promise that I'll make Zero pay retribution for this," Suzaku stated tenderly, "for all the suffering he's caused."

With a sorrowful nod Shirley answered, "I just wish that my father was still alive. That's all."

Suzaku's grip tightened once more. "I know. I'm sorry."

Another few minutes passed with the two of them embracing before Shirley pulled away. She smiled serenely. Her eyes were still a little puffy, but she felt better inside.

Suzaku helped her to her feet as Shirley extended her thanks to him for putting up with the tears. He replied in his usual naïve way.

"It's what friends are for, right?"

Shirley nodded, the smile on her face truly genuine now. "Yeah, that's what friends are for. Thank you Suzaku."

"Sure," he answered, passing by her to check on Arthur, who had been apparently sitting in the corner, watching the whole spectacle. Shirley blushed involuntarily as Suzaku lowered himself to the floor to pet the cat's head. "It's a good thing I thought to come see Arthur...ouch! ARTHUR! Every time it's this same thing! Do you really have to bite my fingers or ankles or something every time I come in here?"

"Meow!"

Chuckling to herself, Shirley snapped out of the memory and once more stared at Suzaku's sleeping form next to her. Smiling she mused that her attraction to Suzaku probably began in those moments. Some would argue that it started a month before that memory when the green-eyed boy had accidentally fallen on top of her when she attempted to steal the council telephone away from him. Shirley laughed inwardly at the memory. He'd been trying to make her confess her feelings for Lelouch then and now...

Well, now was still a big question on her mind because in recent times the tables had turned. Princess Euphemia, the woman who Suzaku had been in love with, was killed by Zero during the Special Zone Massacre. To make matters worse, said massacre was started by the seemingly innocent princess. The Black Rebellion followed and Zero was defeated, but many of the Britannians living in the Tokyo Settlement had retreated back to the Britannian Homeland. According to Suzaku that included Lelouch and Nunnally without even so much as a goodbye to warn her. Milly, Rivalz, and Nina left too, though the former two returned to the campus after two weeks while the rest of the students simply left and never returned.

And then...things got a little weird.

Shirley noticed that Milly and Rivalz talked about Lelouch a lot, but instead of mentioning Nunnally too, they would start talking about a guy named Rolo who was apparently Lelouch's younger brother. At first, Shirley didn't see it as a big deal. At the time Lelouch was the only thing on her mind, so she figured if he had a little brother as well as a younger sister the two of them could double team the big brother to get her into the family. It was the perfect plan in her mind.

About a month later though, right when Suzaku returned to campus, Shirley finally noticed that Milly and Rivalz discussed memories of Rolo being at Ashford with Lelouch and what they describe is reminiscent of things Nunnally did while she was at the school. Finding that flat-out bizarre, she started to ask them about it.

Suzaku happened to be there and upon realizing where Shirley's questions were about to go, made up an excuse and dragged the strawberry blonde out of the student council room and into the outside gardens surrounding the back courtyard.

As Suzaku began to explain the situation, Shirley could instantly see that he wasn't being entirely honest with her. When he mentioned that Lelouch and Nunnally were Britannian royalty she was beside herself with skepticism. However, as he continued explaining the situation, Shirley noted that the revelation about Lelouch and Nunnally being a prince and princess of Britannian was the only thing in the explanation that remained the same. So in her eyes, it was the only truth Suzaku was telling her.

Nearly everything else was false, especially the parts about Suzaku and Lelouch hanging out in the palace recently. The bitterness in his emerald colored eyes was enough to eliminate any delusions that he and Lelouch were on good terms with one another. Obviously something was wrong between them that the brunette wasn't willing to talk about or rather couldn't talk about because he was trying to protect her from danger. Shirley wasn't blind. She could easily read between the lines of what he was saying, yet at the same time...

She had a hundred and one questions. She wanted to point out the places where Suzaku's story didn't add up. She wanted the truth...the REAL truth and not the fabricated, embellished version of it. Even if he couldn't tell her the full truth, she just needed enough so she could at piece everything together and make sense of it.

However, when Suzaku finished his explanation, Shirley felt herself nod and say, "I understand." Truthfully she didn't, but the desire to know more faded when the bitterness she had seen only moments before transformed into the most guilt ridden expression anyone could muster. He looked utterly defeated, like all of his hopes and dreams had been destroyed.

Shirley knew that look and for that reason alone decided not to ask questions, to give him the benefit of the doubt.

With Lelouch still gone from the scene as well as Milly and Rivalz's altered perception of fairly recent, Shirley ended up spending most of her time with Suzaku for the next month and a half. She still had questions, many of them screaming at her to be answered, but instead of asking them she simply talked to him about miscellaneous things that had nothing to do with Britannia or Japan or anything. Suzaku obliged her somewhat reluctantly for the first week, but warmed up little by little as time passed.

Mostly the two would talk about their classes. Shirley would help Suzaku study chemistry equations and he would help her in home economics. Funnily enough Suzaku was actually a decent cook. Nowhere near Lelouch's standard of perfection, but good enough for Shirley to beg him to cook everything for her so she could get an A in the class. Suzaku, a man normally so gung-ho about the rules, ended up cheating for her once or twice without protest.

That should have tipped her off that something was amiss.

It happened two months into Lelouch's absence from the Academy. The sun had been high in the sky with a few clouds hanging over it. The weather was cool, requiring Shirley to wear a lightweight brown coat and a white scarf over her uniform when she went outside. The leaves had long since changed from green to huges of red, orange, and brown. It was a beautiful fall afternoon. Classes had ended for the day and club activities had been canceled.

Earlier in the day Shirley had noticed Suzaku's absence. She figured he might be sick and had one of her friends from the swim club help her make some soup for him. She was carrying the small container of soup as she walked across campus toward the boy dorms.

About halfway there though, Shirley had an epiphany.

"_I have no idea if he even stays on campus._"

The strawberry blonde let out a long-suffering sigh of annoyance at her lack of foresight, feeling a little embarrassed for going through the trouble of cooking, her least favorite activity.

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" she had wondered aloud, stopping near the entrance to the academy gardens. For a moment her eyes glanced over the pumpkin patch the gardening club had slaved over, a small smile lifting the corners of her mouth as the thought of the pumpkin pies Lelouch had made last year for Christmas.

Distracted, the strawberry blonde entered the garden, taking another second or two to look over the pumpkins before entering the main gardens filled with manicured lawns filled with flowers, topiary bushes, and easy mazes. Shirley smiled while entering one of the mazes, reminiscing about her first trip through the maze with the student council and how magical it had seemed then because _he_ was there.

Halfway through the maze though she was shaken out of her reverie of memories by the sound of dark chuckling. Fear gripped at her heart at the sound, but also concern. The voice sounded familiar.

After a moment of contemplation, Shirley decided against her better judgement to investigate. Gripping the greenery of the wall next to her with her right hand, she slowly peered around the corner.

Suzaku sat leaning against the greenery. His Ashford blazer had been discarded, revealing his dress shirt underneath. His face was dripping with sweat and his eyes were dull and vacant as he continued to chuckle bitterly to himself. In his left hand he limply held a pocket knife stained crimson.

For a few seconds Shirley wasn't sure what to think. She stood paralyzed against the greenery, hidden from his sight. It wasn't until she dared look again that she saw that his right sleeve was stained too.

And then it hit her. The small container of soup slipped from her left hand and fell into the grass with a soft thud as the liquid spilled out over the grass. Suzaku's gaze lifted slightly at the sound, his grip tightening slightly on the knife as he stared at the liquid flowing from the soup container.

Breathing hard, Shirley didn't wait for Suzaku to question who was watching him. Instead she revealed herself slowly, still staring at the blood staining his shirt. She wasn't sure how much he was bleeding but...

"Stay away from me!"

Shirley jumped at the harshness in his voice, but she didn't obey his command. She continued to stand paralyzed, watching the stain expand on his shirt. Her heart started to pound.

"Suzaku...what are you..."

"Get back," he commanded again. "Please...don't come any closer."

Shirley heard Suzaku's words, she saw the signs that he wasn't in control of himself, that staying could end up with her on the wrong end of that knife and yet...she couldn't heed the warning. She didn't want to. Suzaku was in trouble and needed help. She couldn't just leave him to bleed to death.

"Shirley..." he breathed weakly. "Please..."

But Shirley didn't listen to the plea, instead she walked closer, steadily kneeling down so she could be eye-level with him. He was holding the knife in a death grip now, but Shirley surprisingly didn't feel threatened by that. On the contrary, she felt encouraged to continue.

With a steady gentle hand she touched his. Slowly she massaged his hand, hoping for his grip to lessen on the bloody blade so she could take it from him. He was breathing heavily again, and Shirley could see a faint shimmer of red surrounding his irises as he gazed at her. She didn't meet his gaze and focused all her energy on his hand.

Eventually his grip loosened enough for Shirley to gently take the knife away. She tossed it aside before moving to examine his right arm.

"Shirley don't," he whispered, the red ring around his eyes dulling slightly. Once more the girl didn't listen.

Lifting the sleeve, she stared at the self harm scars lining his arm and the current gash that was steadily bleeding out. Without a second thought she removed her fluffy white scarf from around her neck and began to tie it around his arm to stop the bleeding

"Stop!"

Shirley gasped slightly as Suzaku used his left hand to grip the upper half of her arm. The grip was weak but the urgency behind the action forced her to stop what she was doing. The red rings around his eyes were fading in and out. Shirley wasn't sure how to process what was happening to him.

"Suzaku, talk to me," Shirley demanded, her voice laced with a sternness the strawberry blonde didn't know she was capable of. "Why have you done this to yourself?"

Suzaku shook his head, refusing to meet her eyes. "Shirley...I just...I don't want to live anymore. The one person I wanted to live for is dead and...I don't see the point in continuing on. I know she would want me to live, to try to find happiness but I don't deserve it. After all the things I've done. Death would give me relief, but for a while I couldn't go through with it because...something always got in the way. Today though, I was finally able to clear away the obstacle that keeps me alive and now you're..."

"And now I'm what?" Shirley interrupted angrily. "Getting in the way? Well, that's just too bad isn't it. Better luck next time." Shaking her head in disgust she tried pulling herself out of Suzaku's grip, but sometime during her tirade he had tightened his hold on her. He wasn't hurting her, but Shirley knew that he wasn't planning on letting her go. He had more he wanted to say.

"If you knew half the things I've done you would want me dead too," he began, a deliberate smirk rising over his face. "I killed my father in cold blood...with the hand I'm holding you with."

Shirley felt her heart leap into her throat from fear, but tried to keep her expression neutral as she finally managed to wring herself out of his grip so she could continue tending to his arm. He was going to need to go to the school infirmary or the hospital, that was for certain, but she figured she could at least stop the bleeding temporarily with her scarf.

Suzaku remained silent as she worked, the red ring disappearing from his eyes completely. It was another question Shirley had to add to her list of questions.

Once she was finished, Suzaku grabbed her arm again, but this time more gently.

"Why do you want me to live?" he asked weakly, fatigue settling in as he lifted his emerald gaze to meet hers.

Shirley responded with the only answer she could give. "Because I would be sad if you died. You're my friend Suzaku and as your friend..." pausing she stared into Suzaku's eyes for a long moment, her eyes watering simultaneously.

An instant later she wrapped both her arms around him, pulling him into a hug.

"I'm begging you," she softly cried, her tears dripping onto his shoulder. "Please stop doing this to yourself. Whatever sins you committed are in the past. You have to forgive yourself. You have to move on."

Suzaku's breathing turned shallow but he still responded. "I can't...I can't Shirley."

"Yes you can," Shirley argued pulling back to stare into his eyes again. "At the very least try Suzaku. Don't give up when you've come this far."

It was a long moment before Suzaku spoke again. Shirley worried that he may have passed out, but then he abruptly tried rising to his feet. He nearly fell halfway up, but Shirley caught him before he could plummet to the ground.

The tables really had turned. Hadn't she been in this exact position with Suzaku helping her to her feet.

"Suzaku..."

Before Shirley could process what he was doing, Suzaku stumbled forward, gently pinning her against the greenery wall as he pressed his lips against hers. Shirley's leaf green eyes widened for a moment as images of Lelouch flooded her mind, plaguing her with instant guilt.

However, as the seconds passed the image began to fade and her eyes slipped closed. Involuntarily she leaned into Suzaku's touch as he reached to cup the side of her face with his left hand. Her arms wrapped around his torso, gently pulling him closer to her.

Briefly he pulled away, his breathing ragged. "You're a lot like her. Too much like her for you're own good."

Shirley knew who he meant. Princess Euphemia. She wasn't sure how to take that, seeing that the princess had massacred scores of his people. Then again, perhaps there was more to the situation she didn't know about, another thing Suzaku had failed to tell her.

"I'll stay alive for now," he whispered after leaving her breathless with another sudden kiss. "I don't want to cause you sadness...so I'll wait for the day when you hate me." He kissed her again. Shirley figured it was his way of attempting to make her hate him since she was still in love with Lelouch. This strategy probably would have worked if not for the fact that Shirley was actively participating in this exchange.

After taking Suzaku to the infirmary to recover from his self inflicted wound, Shirley did hate him for a day or so. His revelation about killing his own father wasn't lost on her and the random make-out session that had happened between them was an added slap to the face. As stupid as it was, she was even mad at the fact that her favorite scarf became a casualty to permanent stains because of his emo behavior.

However, when she saw Suzaku again three days after the incident, she practically ran into his arms.

They've been inseparable ever since, but many of the questions Shirley wanted answers to were left unanswered.

That brings her back to the present, with Suzaku laying asleep next to her in the dorm room. Today was going to be his last day in the settlement before he had to go to the E.U. for an assignment. She hadn't asked what the assignment was, already knowing that he wouldn't tell her. She hated knowing that he was keeping her in the dark about...well everything and yet she was okay with it too. She didn't mind him his half-baked attempt at protecting her. For the most part, she appreciated it...appreciated him.

Smiling fondly at the boy still sleeping soundly, she began rubbing her fingers through his chestnut colored hair. A soft smile began to lift the corners of his lips as his eyes fluttered open, revealing two pools of emeralds. Shirley felt her heart flutter at the sight of those eyes. He was still a very depressed person, but she hoped that her involvement recently was easing his pain, if only a little.

She thought idly that this was what she had wanted her love to do for Lelouch, whose sadness radiated from him like the rays of the sun. While she cared deeply for Suzaku, she still couldn't get rid of her feelings for Lelouch. Suzaku probably knew this and didn't mind...but only because he was still grieving Euphie.

Shirley mused that Suzaku might be using her to replace the void Euphie left, but the strawberry blonde didn't mind. She was happy to help her friend and in a way, he was helping her too. With Suzaku around she didn't miss Lelouch so terribly.

But now...he was leaving too.

Suzaku caught the look in her eyes and slowly sat up in bed as she withdrew her hand from his head. "What's wrong?"

Shirley looked away, tugging her t-shirt over her previously exposed shoulder. "I was just thinking that I'm going to miss you. I wish that you could stay."

"I wish that I could stay too," Suzaku answered, staring at her hands folded in her lap. "Being with you is like being lost in a peaceful dream. I'm not looking forward to returning to reality."

"It had to end somewhere though didn't it?"

Suzaku nodded. "Yeah, it did." His expression soured a little. "You're still in love with Lelouch."

"And you're still in love with Princess Euphemia," Shirley countered, laughing a bit. Suzaku didn't laugh and Shirley stopped laughing soon after. "_So...that's what this had been the whole time, huh?"_

Forcing a smile, Shirley leaned over and kissed Suzaku on the cheek. "I didn't expect you to love me Suzaku. It's okay." Then with a devious grin she kicked him out of her bed. He fell to the floor with a loud yelp. Shirley laughed again, though this time the sound was a little more solemn. She couldn't place why she felt so disappointed.

While Suzaku was recovering, Shirley got up from the other side of the bed and began padding her way to her dresser. "Now get out of here," she told him while opening up one of the drawers. She dug through the drawer, looking for her favorite pair of denim Capri pants. "I have to get changed..."

Without warning she felt his arms wrap around her waist and his lips press against her neck. A blush immediately spread over Shirley's face.

"Shirley," he whispered into her ear after placing a few chaste kisses along her jaw line, "I am still in love with Euphemia, but that doesn't mean that I don't love you. If this world were a different place, I could see myself being very happy with you."

Shirley's blush darkened at his confession. "Suzaku..."

Smiling he gently turned her around so she would be facing him, then with his right hand he brushed a few stray bangs of her hair away from her face, sending shivers down her spine without meaning to.

"Will you come back?" she found herself asking.

"I will," he answered immediately, leaning in until his lips were hovering above hers. "As long as you want me in your life I'll be in it and I'll continue to fight to make this world a place where all races and ideologies can live together in peace and harmony."

As his lips met hers one final time, Shirley couldn't help but think that she would like that. In that future world of peace and harmony, she could see herself looking back on this moment, thinking fondly of this kiss with Suzaku Kururugi.

Because unlike with Lelouch that night in the rain, everything in this kiss told her that this man loved her.

When she was a little girl, her father once said that she would fall in love with a man. If he loved her just as much, her father told her it would make him the happiest man on Earth.

Shirley wasn't sure if she would choose Suzaku in the end, but whatever her decision may be, she hoped that one of the two men she loved most would make her father smile down on them from heaven.

* * *

A/N: And that's the end of this random romantic one-shot. I certainly enjoyed writing it. It was fun exploring what could have happened if Shirley was a tidbit wiser when it came to Lelouch. Obviously he cared about her very much, but I don't think he loved her the way Shirley wanted. I don't know, maybe I read too much into these characters. Code Geass is my favorite anime after all. So if you guys enjoyed it, leave me a review. Constructive criticism is welcome. I give my thanks ahead of time. Feel free to check out my other Code Geass one-shots and stories. They're all on my profile. And if my work isn't your cup of tea, check out my favorite stories and author's list. There's plenty of good stuff in those lists for you guys to check out. So that's all I gotta say. Sayonara!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Part of this chapter I wrote directly after posting the first. Originally I intended this to be a separate one-shot story, but because it ties in whit the previous piece so intricately, I decided that placing it as a second chapter to this story would be best. I really hope you guys will enjoy it.

Warnings: This one-shot takes place in R2. The last chapter was somewhat AU, so this one is too. I drift from canon a good deal in terms of what's supposed to happen with little to no explanation because...well exposition would make this a longer one-shot than it needs to be. This time, we'll be seeing events from Suzaku's perspective.

* * *

"_It's Euphie's death all over again."_

That singular thought rang through Suzaku Kururugi's head as he sat in a waiting room with his hands trembling while his legs involuntarily and somewhat violently shook.

Somewhere in his mind he knew that this was not the same situation, that the past he was reflecting on couldn't dictate his present predicament.

Even knowing this, Suzaku continued to hang his head while his brain concocted ways the current scenario could have turned out differently. Guilt descended upon him as he calculated how foolish he was to leave his friend's safety to an officer he didn't know, how idiotic it was to put distance between them when he should have kept her close. It was the same mistake he had made when he allowed his dear princess to have a private discussion with Zero...Lelouch, his former best friend.

That exchange ended with a massacre that stained Euphemia's good name and left Suzaku's heart broken, nearly beyond repair.

And now he was facing what could be the death of who had become his closest friend...no it was more than that. He was facing the loss of someone he loved again. From the moment he kissed her that gloomy fall afternoon, he felt as if he were delivering a death sentence. Suzaku felt like everything he touched was subject for doom and decay, whether it be through death or through betrayal. Either way, the young Japanese man continually lost loved ones and he rationalized that he was to blame for it all.

He told her that day she was too much like Euphemia for her own good. He knew ahead of time that her kindness toward sinners would cost her dearly. Despite this knowledge though, he allowed Shirley Fennette to slowly ensnare his heart just as Euphemia had before. Of course he didn't realize it at the time. Back then he felt guilty too, for the simple fact that he initially used Shirley to try to recover from the grief that plagued him. He clung to the things about Shirley that reminded him of his beloved, convinced himself that she was still alive inside someone else, and held no concern over the fact that the strawberry blonde was in love with Lelouch.

Now that he thought about it, he partially did it as a petty means of revenge against him since the Emperor wouldn't allow the death of his errant son. Suzaku figured taking Shirley's heart from the demon's possession would be enough to suffice after a long time of contemplation.

But now he wished that he would have left the idea alone.

Footsteps were drawing closer to him. The doctor was coming to deliver the news of Shirley's condition. Defiantly he kept his gaze on his shaking clasped hands. He couldn't hear this again. He simply couldn't bear to hear those horrible words again.

_She's dead. _

For a moment Suzaku contemplated running away from the hospital, no, from Japan and the Britannian military altogether. He knew there was nowhere in the world he could actually go should he completely bail on his duties as a knight, but he was tempted to take the risk and just forget everything that had to do with Lelouch, including the woman that had loved him for so long.

Suzaku understood that Shirley had used him as well during their time together, to cope with not having Lelouch around, but regardless of this, he knew Shirley at least cared about him. He had already lost so many who had loved him to some respect. He didn't want Shirley to be another name on that list, but as the doctor approached him, he felt his heart dive into his stomach. The doctor was going to say those words again.

_She's dead._

His body ached to rise from the bench he was sitting on, but he stayed rooted in place. He would have to bear the weight of the news and share it with the people Shirley loved, including Lelouch. He would have to explain what happened to her mother and why he failed to protect her. More than likely he would have to make up a story since he had no idea what had actually happened. From what little information he had been able to gather earlier, the investigators believed she shot herself.

Suzaku knew it couldn't be true, especially given that there was word of a terrorist takeover at the Ikebekuro station. Did Lelouch organize the attack? Did he kill Shirley? If he wasn't the culprit...no he must have been. She must have figured out something...she must have realized that he was...

In the end, the Japanese knight just didn't know what to think or who to blame for it. All he knew for certain was that the doctor was literally a few feet away, walking toward him to deliver words that would shatter his world again. It was all he could prepare himself for and yet nothing in the world could have prepared him for what the doctor said once he reached him.

"Sir Kururugi."

Suzaku lifted his gaze to meet the doctor's. The older man looked exhausted but there was a hint of a smile on his face. Afraid to hope, Suzaku could only stare at the man. He didn't dare speak.

"Ms. Fennette is going to pull through," he told him, the smile on his face widening.. "Her condition is still critical, but we're hopeful that she'll make a full recovery."

Suzaku couldn't believe his ears. "You mean she's..."

"It's still too soon to tell for certain, but as I said a moment ago, we're hopeful that she'll make it."

For a long moment, all Suzaku could do was blink repeatedly in shock.

"_Critical __condition...but, she'll live?" _he thought questioningly, still unsure if the doctor was telling him the truth or just playing a particularly sick joke on him. Given the way the doctor was smiling, it could have been either of the two options.

Regardless of this though, Suzaku felt himself exhaling a shaky breath. The tension in his muscles loosened a bit and his heart ceased its erratic pounding. The shaking in his body lessened.

"_She isn't going to die,_" he thought, slightly overwhelmed by the vast array of emotions flooding through him. "_I'm not going to lose her..."_

The doctor glanced down at his check board. "Sir Kururugi, if you wish to see her I can take you to the room she's in."

Suzaku nodded briefly, still too lost in his shock to properly absorb the words the doctor was saying. When the man started walking, Suzaku wordlessly followed him. About a minute later, the young knight inwardly gasped at the sight of automated doors in front of him. He glanced at the room number. It read 103.

"This is her room?" he asked, almost breathless.

The doctor nodded. "Take all the time you need." Without another word the doctor turned and left Suzaku to stand before the doors alone.

A single step forward would open those doors and reveal Shirley lying in that hospital bed.

Suzaku hesitated.

What if the doctor was wrong? If he went inside, would he be met with the fate of watching her die in front of him? Her condition was still critical after all. Her heart could simply give out and he would be in the same helpless position as he was the last time.

One step was all that blocked him from that possible path. If he turned away he could avoid it. He could avoid reliving his memories. Even if he was just being paranoid and everything turned out alright, then he would simply see her at school later.

The last thing he wanted to do was go in that room and see Shirley in that bed.

More importantly, he didn't want to see Euphie there.

However, Suzaku knew that walking away would be the end of it. If he walked away now he would further distance himself from Shirley and make sure they never crossed paths again to protect her.

If he thought staying away from her now would do any good he would have taken that route in a heartbeat, but Shirley ended up in this state because he had chosen to distance himself from her back at the station. Had he not done that...had he protected her himself...Shirley would have never been shot at all.

Even the Geass forcing him to live wouldn't have been able to stop him from taking that bullet for her had he been next to her in those moments.

So, as afraid as he was to walk into the room before him, Suzaku forced himself to take that single step forward and inwardly prayed that he wouldn't regret it.

The sound of the heart monitor steadily beeping was the first sound that registered in his ears. For a moment he stared at said monitor, his feet barely inching him into the room. The doors clicked shut behind him once he was fully inside.

Only when Suzaku steadied his breathing did he shift his gaze from the heart monitor to Shirley herself. Her head rested on a fluffed pillow, tendrils of strawberry blonde locks spilling over her shoulders. His gaze darted to her arms which lay limply by her sides before moving his gaze toward her face. Her eyes were closed and the color of her skin was deathly pale...just like Euphie's had been.

"_Don't think on that_," he chided himself, shakily grabbing a small metal fold out chair nearby. Sitting down he reached for her hand, praying silently to himself that nothing went wrong. Even though the doctor said she would be fine, Suzaku found it difficult to truly believe his words. The way Shirley looked, he figured she could die at any moment.

For the next few hours, Suzaku sat in the chair holding Shirley's hand, torturing himself with his memories of his beloved Euphemia. He silently seethed as the minutes dragged on with images of seeing Lelouch as Zero returned to him. He could hear the sounds of echoing gunshots through the cave they had stood in, he could see Lelouch's demonic left eye, screaming at him to live. Once more his hands began to shake as he contemplated every mistake leading to the loss of every person he had ever truly cared for.

"Not you too..." he breathed after a while, his body quivering as tears began to collect at the corners of his eyes. Despite his effort to keep the emotions inside, all the pain he had felt began to pour out of him. "Shirley..." he trailed off as he brought her limp hand to his cheek. Briefly his mind took him back to another moment when he had fought to keep himself from shedding tears until Nunnally touched his cheek with her tiny hand.

_My mother used to tell me that a warm touch is good for tears._

Suzaku's fingers slipped in between the spaces of Shirley's while pressing her hand more firmly against his skin, desperate for the warmth of her touch. She had always been that way, right from when they met. She had always been warm, inviting, and kind. Always so kind...and forgiving...

Suddenly he felt her hand squirming a bit under his. His eyes widened and his gaze snapped to the strawberry blonde as her eyes began to flutter open. The dullness in her irises scared him a bit initially, but as the seconds passed they brightened little by little, giving him hope.

Weakly she tilted her head in his direction, confusion and concern etched in her expression. "Suzaku...why are you crying?"

Suzaku was too stunned to speak. The tears continued to slide down his face.

Shirley's expression softened at his lack of reply. "I don't...I don't know how it happened but..."

"Save your strength," Suzaku cut in, seeing the strain on her face. "You don't have to tell me anything right now. I'm just...I'm just glad that you're...that you're..." he hung his head, unable to meet her gaze. He felt like a big baby crying the way he was, but retaining control was proving to be an impossible task. The joy in his heart was overwhelming yet at the same time he felt that crushing guilt descending upon him again. Just breathing required most of his concentration right now.

With shaky movements he lowered their entwined hands to the bed. "I'm sorry. Forgive me Shirley. I'm so sorry..."

For a long moment she didn't say anything, simply watched him in silence as his tears traveled in small streams down his cheeks. The hot salt water dripped from his chin, landing on their hands as his entire body shook.

"_I did this to her_." He told himself, still not looking at her. "_It's my fault. I should have killed him...I should have killed him on Kaname Island back then. If I had done that...then..."_

Shirely exhaled softly, so much so that Suzaku barely heard it over his raging thoughts. He lifted his gaze from their hands, afraid she had breathed her last.

Upon meeting her gaze though, he saw that she had a look of weak exasperation on her face. Those leaf green eyes he loved were filled with determination and strength she shouldn't have been able to muster given her condition, but she had managed it.

The beeps on the heart monitor picked up a little speed.

"Suzaku," she breathed, her voice still hoarse. "Don't...you dare...blame yourself...okay..."

He blinked, the last of his tears rolling down his face simultaneously as he looked upon her in complete awe.

"I...went after him," she continued, barely squeezing his hand. "Lelouch was in danger. I went after him...to try to help. I didn't want...I didn't want him to keep fighting alone."

Suzaku felt his heart break a little. She was still in love with the demon.

Shirley let out a soft chuckle while closing her eyes. After sucking in another shuddering breath she spoke to his unspoken heartbreak, saying, "I think...there will always be a small part of me that's in love with him." She opened her eyes and smiled up at the Japanese knight with tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. "He cried when he found me. He tried to call for help. I...I stopped him."

"Why?" Suzaku heard himself asking.

"I needed him to know...that I forgave him," Shirley explained, "because unlike you he was harboring guilt for things he actually did to me." Once more she let out a breathless laugh. "You've always been silly about...things like that. Anything terrible happens to anyone...you go...all emo."

She would try to joke about this. That was her nature. Shirley was a lighthearted person who always tried to see the positive side of a situation. She refused to completely give into despair. Only once had she come even close to doing so.

He remembered that day. It was the first time he had ever held her in his arms.

"I passed out while talking to him," Shirley continued, "I don't know what happened after, but..." for a few seconds she trailed off, almost as if it were a struggle to even breathe. "I'm glad that you're here, Suzaku. I was scared."

Suzaku's heart pounded in his chest in a relentless rhythm of concern. Beads of sweat were beginning to gather on Shirley's forehead as she struggled to talk and her skin was becoming increasingly pale. With his free hand, he brushed his fingertips against the oily skin, hoping that giving her some comfort would help her calm down. She was speaking too fast, breathing too erratically, it scared him to think that just by being in the room he could cause her to die.

"It's okay now," he told her, rubbing his thumb along her cheek. "No one is going to hurt you now..."

"All I could think about when I was shot...all I could think about was you..."

Suzaku blinked in confusion while withdrawing his right hand from her cheek. "Me?"

"Hmm," she answered, unable to speak for a few seconds. Her heart had sped up again, Suzaku could tell from the sound of the heart monitor. He decided it might be better to leave her alone now. She needed to rest. All this talking wasn't good for her.

He loosened his grip on Shirley's hand and started to rise from the chair, ready to explain that she needed more rest, but Shirley whimpered the second he tried to move. Her breathing hitched, the heart monitor started moving at a faster rate. She screamed for him to stay before he could even react.

"Please..." she muttered, her breath coming out in a harsh gasp as she tried to tighten her grip around his left hand. "Don't leave me! I need you to...hear what I have to say. I promise I'll be alright. Just don't go."

Suzaku didn't know how to respond to her desperate plea. There were so many words that wanted to spill out of his mouth. He wanted to tell her how foolish her wish was, to say once again how desperately she needed rest and how his presence would literally kill her if he didn't go. At the same time; however, he wanted to make a vow to never let her out of his sight again. His lips even moved to begin forming the words, but after a few seconds all he could do was sit down and wait for Shirley to finish with what she wanted to say.

The heart monitor slowed as she sucked in another breath. When she exhaled the beeping became a bit more steady. Suzaku felt himself exhaling too.

"Do you remember what you told me...the day before you left for the E.U. six months ago?" she asked him after a few seconds of silence had passed.

Suzaku shook his head. He had said a good deal of things to her that day. He remembered kissing her a great deal throughout that afternoon and he remembered her crying that evening before he left to spend his last night in Tokyo at the government bureau, but aside from this...

"No," he told her softly. "We talked a lot before I left."

She smirked slightly, closing her eyes. "You said and I quote, 'I am still in love with Euphemia, but that doesn't mean that I don't love you. If this world were a different place, I could see myself being very happy with you.'"

Suzaku brought Shirley's hand up to his chest, pressing it against where his heart continued to pound.

"I think the world will be a different place soon," Shirley stated, the tears in the corners of her closed eyelids slipping down her face. "I know my world is different now. When I was shot, I didn't see my life flashing before my eyes. Instead I saw all the moments I've spent with you. In those moments, I finally realize that I regretted not telling you how I felt back then, back when you said you loved me."

"How did you feel?" Suzaku asked, once again afraid to hope.

"Like a girl in love with two different men who share many of the same end goals." A dry laugh fell from her lips. "Now I can say that I'm only truly in love with one of them."

"Lelouch?"

Shirley shook her head. "I'll always care about him, but I'm not in love with him anymore." Once more she took a second to breathe deeply, though this time it was because she was contemplating something.

There was slight mischief in her eyes when she spoke again, saying, "I think I'm in love with Gino actually."

Suzaku's expression shifted into a deadpan. "Are you serious? Have you two even talked to each other?"

Shirley laughed again at the look on his face before shaking her head. "The only thing he's ever said to me is, 'So, you're the girl Suzaku likes! Nice to make your acquaintance milady, I am Sir Gino Weinberg the honorable knight of three.'"

The brunette allowed himself to chuckle a little. "That sounds like him. Did he kiss your hand too?"

Shirley blinked, turning her gaze to the ceiling to think about it for a moment. Suzaku noticed the color slowly returning to her skin. He exhaled again.

"_I'm not going to lose her...thank you..."_

He stopped himself from mentally thanking Lelouch. The demon was partially to blame for the condition Shirley was in, but Suzaku still felt gratitude regardless. Suzaku knew Lelouch must have called someone after she passed out. Suzaku was certain of it.

He wouldn't forget the significance of his actions today.

Lelouch vi Britannia, Zero, would never be able to reverse the damage he created from the Special Zone Massacre, but in Suzaku's mind, this action of making sure someone found Shirley before she succumbed to her wounds was his way of apologizing for killing his beloved Euphemia.

Perhaps, with a little more time, he could find it in his healing heart to forgive the masked terrorist that used to be his best friend.

"No, I don't think he..."

Shirley's sentence trailed off as her gaze fell on Suzaku. With the gentlest touch he lifted her hand from his chest, bringing her pale fingers near his face before bringing his lips to the back of her hand.

Her smile lit up the room. "You're a true knight of honor, Suzaku Kururugi." She exhaled a shaky breath. "My father would have liked you a lot."

"I don't think he would have wanted you to be with an Eleven," Suzaku whispered, his eyes still closed. "He would have wanted better for you."

"I disagree," came the soft rebuttal. Shirley had already closed her eyes. "He told me that if I found someone who loved me as much as I loved him, then he'd be the happiest man on Earth. He never said a word about race being a factor. And besides...you love me...more."

Suzaku nodded, lowering her hand back to the bed. "_Yes, much more."_

"Don't leave...okay."

"Never," he answered, keeping their fingers intertwined as the strawberry blonde slipped back into unconsciousness. "As long as you want me. I'm here."

* * *

A/N: So...I actually really like Suzaku and Shirley as a couple now. (Go figure!) I may write one last chapter for this, but I feel like this is a really good end point. And once more I've strayed away from canon completely in terms of what happens to Shirley. Reviews are greatly appreciated. Thanks to those who reviewed the previous chapter and who liked the story enough to add it to their favorites list. You guys rock! And if any of you are interested, feel free to check out my other Code Geass works too. I've got plenty of them. Until I randomly decide to write something else, this story is a wrap. Later!


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