D.Gray-Man 1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: This is a complete work of fiction, in no way affiliated with D-Gray Man.

Warning: This will later contain Mpreg.

Chapter One

Kanda was in a foul mood. Although most of the Black Order would say that there was nothing unusual there, Kanda knew that this was something above his usual ire. This was not some mild irritation over the white haired beansprout of an Exorcist getting on his nerves, or Lenalee thinking she had the right to come and sit with him during his meditation, or... he found his jaw clenching... Lavi using his first name so familiarly. His steps took on a quicker pace as he continued to search the area. The red haired, loud mouthed Bookman-in-training come Exorcist had been missing for three days, and everyone in the order was losing hope. It wasn't as if he and Bookman had taken extra time in getting back to the Order after a mission, that was something they expected as a matter of course, what they did outside of their direct orders they had no right to ask. But he wasn't with the tiny, elderly man; he had been taken during a fight which had left the Finders dead, Krory unconscious and the Innocence they had gone to retrieve destroyed. Kanda had managed to hold off his bad mood until Krory had woken and two words had slipped through his lips. 'Tyki Mykk'.

The Noah, the one who had killed too many of his brothers in arms, nearly ended the life of Allen and attempted to destroy his innocence; the one who had caused Suman to fall. And he was the last one seen with Lavi. As soon as they knew all optimism that they would find Lavi alive had faded. The red head was a proficient innocence user, but Tyki Mykk had killed a General without even raising a sweat. He understood their scepticism. But there was a part of him which would not let him believe that the terrible joke-making teen had been taken from this world. It would be... his brain tightened around the word he wanted to think, pushed it to one side. Still, it reverberated through his skull; 'painful'.

It was hard for him to ignore the reason behind that word, the slow building attachment that he had formed to the other boy. When Lavi had first appeared at the Order they were both barely sixteen, and he had thought him loud and obnoxious, had been too preoccupied with his own thoughts and angst to even contemplate looking a little deeper. Even when they had been sent on their first mission together he had wanted to rip the younger man's tongue out to stop him from talking. He remembered when all of that changed. It was late at night and he had been out walking in the moonlight to clear his head, the Order building was silent as the inhabitants slept but there was still a light shining from the library. Curiosity had gotten the better of him and he had gone to investigate. There he had found Lavi asleep, slumped over a table which was covered in books and parchments in languages he could not decipher, had never even seen before. There was a pen in his hand and an unfinished translation beneath his face. He wasn't wearing the Exorcist coat that had been made for him, just a sleeveless version of the oriental clothes he usually wore beneath, a bandage around his right upper arm. He had returned that morning with an innocence fragment and the injuries he had sustained in retrieving it. Kanda had taken a step forward, taking the chance to look closer at the teen, not knowing when it would be that he was still again. His shoulders were broader than he had expected, his arms more defined, and his physique spoke of lean strength, still with the hints of teenage awkwardness. There was the palest touch of freckles which peppered the bridge of his nose, and the lashes of his uncovered eye which swept over his cheek were darker than his hair, the rich red hair which fell over his creamy skin, the bandanna he usually wore askew on his head, more off than on. That had been the moment that he knew he would not be able to stop looking at Lavi, and the more he looked, the more he had seen. He saw what the others overlooked due to his persona; his intelligence and sharpness, his determination.

Kanda walked ahead of the others, ignoring their pleas for them all to stay together. They were worried about one of them meeting Tyki alone, of losing more Exorcists when their forces were already so depleted. But Kanda couldn't still his feet, needed to feel like he was doing everything he could. It was an impulse he knew he should be able to control, they had never spoken about any kind of emotional attachment, even when their relationship had escalated to a physical one. A Bookman didn't feel, Kanda did not let himself feel; but the moments when they shared their bodies, when he felt Lavi's breath on his face, joined their lips as their bodies slid together in passion... it was hard to remember that. He found himself growing eager to return to the Order after a mission, knowing that it wasn't just an empty bed which would greet him, that they would find their way to each other in the dead of night.

Rounding the corner his feet stopped, nearly making him trip over himself. He was not a clumsy man, but his brain shut down at the sight in front of him. There was a man huddled against the wall, knees clamped tightly to his chest. He was naked, body bloodied and bruised and broken, his hair was dirty and matted. Kanda knew that body, every single line of it, memorized by his fingertips from countless hours spent together in intimacy. It was Lavi, there was no doubting it.

'Don't just stand there,' came a gruff voice, making Kanda jump, 'give him your coat. Mine will not be big enough.'

Bookman was at his side, standing there calmly as though his apprentice wasn't cowered there in such a state. It made Kanda move though, and he removed Mugen and it's saya from his body, holding it out to Bookman before pulling off his coat, moving towards Lavi. He reached out.

Lavi whimpered, flinching as he pulled away at the touch. It was a pitiful sound, filled with terror and pain. It made Kanda stop, made him look again. The slight movement of the younger boy had revealed more of his body and Kanda's quick eyes did not miss the wounds on his neck and shoulders, the shape made by an eager mouth and sharp, vicious teeth. It made him look down, search for further evidence of his suspicions and bile crawled up his tightening throat as he took in the dried blood crusted on the back of his thighs.

He was on his knees in an instant, still reaching out for Lavi, but slowly, with patience. Lavi was speaking now, in a language he didn't understand, one that didn't sound like anything he had ever heard, not even the Bookman language he had been privy to infrequently. He didn't seem to be talking to him, his voice cracked and wild. He felt like someone had a hand in his chest and was squeezing his heart. It was hard to think, hard to breathe. Gently he touched the boys shoulder, careful to reach intact skin between the raw wounds.

'Lavi, it's just me,' he said softly, quietly, careful not to startle him again. Lavi looked up, his one eye clearing as though seeing him for the first time. It quickly filled with relief. Kanda pulled him to him gently, pulling his coat around his bare body. The whine of his pain fanned the anger in his heart, and he was torn between the sick feeling in his stomach, the urge to protect this broken man, and the burning desire to make whoever had done this pay.

'Come on, put your arms in it.' He coaxed, pulling back slightly, unable to stop his hand as it brushed tenderly through his dirty hair. This close he could see the sleepless stains beneath the boys eye, how swollen, bruised and cut his usually soft, smiling lips were. Lavi did not move, continued simply to stare at nothing, drifting in and out of lucidity by the blankness which was once again in his eye.

'What's happening... Lavi!' It was Allen, and the younger boy ran forward.

Kanda gripped his coat tighter around Lavi.

'Put it on Lavi,' he urged, tone harder than he wanted to use, panic rising, 'do you want them to see you like this?'

It worked, Lavi pulling his arms stiffly into the material, Kanda quickly fastening the buttons, covering as much of him as he could with the long coat. Allen's footsteps quickened and soon the younger boy was at his side, concern and worry so plain on his face.

'Lavi?' He questioned, obviously perturbed at what he was seeing of his friend.

Lavi didn't speak, and Kanda bit his lip. He wanted the energetic assurances they would usually get of him regardless of the situation, the wide smile.

'We need to get him back to the Order, he's injured.' Kanda said over his shoulder to Allen, in a tone which left no chance of disagreement. 'Can you stand Lavi?'

Lavi made to move weakly, but he gasped in discomfort, a soft sound of agony torn from his lips. Kanda bit his lip harder, a burst of sharp pain to centre his thoughts and stop his emotions from getting the better of him.

'I'm going to carry you, no arguments.' He told Lavi, almost more for Allen's ears. Allen would want to help and he doubted that Lavi could cope with having more than one person invading his personal space right now. As gently as he could he slipped his arms around the barely taller boy, straining only slightly to lift him. Lavi's weight was something he was not unused to, although this was different to pinning him to a wall as he panted into the skin of his throat. 'Why don't you do something useful for once Beansprout and use that Ark to get us there.'

'Oh, yes, of course,' Allen said, too concerned to even assert his name as he usually would. He could barely take his eyes off of Lavi and it took a few moments for him to turn and close his eyes, summoning the ark.

With Allen occupied Bookman shuffled close, hands joined in his sleeves and face as blank as if they were simply chatting about the weather. But his words, for once, said more than his expression.

'It is clear what has happened here, I'm sure Lavi would be grateful if you would keep your silence until he is ready.'

'You do not even need to ask that of me Bookman,' he replied sternly, fingers gripping tighter at the warmth of the boy in his arms, delighting in how solid he still felt despite how fragile and hurt he looked. Lavi was not dead, everything else he hoped could be healed.

Bookman nodded, nothing more to be said on the matter. Did he feel concern for his apprentice, or was he so solely a Bookman that his heart was closed even to this sight? It did not matter now, all that mattered was getting Lavi out of here and back to the safety of the Black Order Headquarters. Not only to protect him in his current state, but because who knew if Akuma or Noah were waiting in the wings.

The air shimmered as a glowing door appeared, Allen opened his eyes and walked to it, hand on the handle, tugging it open.

'We're taking you back.' He muttered quietly as he strode towards the door, conscious of the bareness of Lavi's legs which stuck out from his coat. 'Allen, go ahead, tell the medical staff to be ready.'

**break**

Kanda stood in the medical ward, leaning back against the wall as he watched the others whisper by Lavi's bedside. They had all been kicked out whilst Komui and the nurses had attended to Lavi's injuries, even Bookman, but now that he was put to bed and knocked out with a cocktail of drugs they had been allowed back in. Kanda did everything he could to stop from looking at the boy in the bed, but even so his eyes kept sneaking back to the figure beneath the sheets. He was pale against his hair, skin only a shade warmer than the fabric, not that there was much of him that wasn't bruised or cut. Silenced and still this way Lavi looked his age, Kanda had hit nineteen a few months ago, and Lavi was yet to catch up. But with what they faced they grew up quickly, most of the time he forgot that Allen was only just seventeen. But Lavi, he had so much life, even when he was injured on mission he would crack jokes and smile, but this was different, this had broken him and he looked small and fragile as a child.

'Bookman, I think it would be best if you and I talked in private.' Komui said, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. Kanda hated it when Komui was serious, not because of the change in personality, that he welcomed; but because it always meant that something was seriously wrong.

'I'll go,' Allen said, eyes widening instantly. He was such a good mannered boy. 'Let me know when he wakes up.'

Komui's eyes then turned to Kanda who simply stared back. He was not going to be forced out and protected from the truth. He needed to hear this.

'It's okay Komui, Kanda was the one who found him. He saw enough to know what must have happened.'

'If you are sure Bookman,' Komui replied, inclining his head to the small, elderly man. His respect of the Bookman clan was evident, and he had always been careful not to step on Bookman's toes when giving orders to his apprentice. 'He is badly injured, some of it appears to be a few days old, and would relate to the battle Krory describes; but there are... other, more recent injuries. ' Komui pulled off his glasses now, rubbing the back of his hand over his forehead. 'I'm going to confirm what you already know, Lavi has been repeatedly raped, and quite brutally it would seem. Why they have keep him alive and his Innocence intact I don't know... we will have to wait until he wakes for answers.'

'Will he be okay?' Bookman asked, perching on the edge of a chair at the bedside, although facing into the room.

'Physically all of his wounds can be healed, but as for how he will cope with what has happened... that is something I cannot be so sure of.'

'He has a strong will, a strong mind. I have faith in him.' Bookman said firmly.

'I hope that you are correct,' Komui replied, putting his glasses back on. 'I'm going to catch a few hours sleep before the medication begins to wear off. If you are in need of me I will be in my room.'

'Then there is nothing more I can do here,' Kanda said, pushing himself off the wall. Everything inside him screamed to stay, but there was no reason for him to, none that wasn't defined only by his emotions.

'Kanda, thank you.' Bookman said as he started to walk away.

To this he could only nod, careful to keep his eyes on the old man only as he glanced back. Bookman was sharp, and anything he gave away would be committed to memory. It didn't matter how he felt, what mattered was keeping Lavi's life as simple and normal as possible when he regained consciousness. It would do no good for Bookman to become suspicious of there being something between them.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: This is a complete work of fiction, in no way affiliated with D-Gray Man.

Warning: This will later contain Mpreg.

Chapter 2

Everything hurt, Lavi realised as he pulled himself out of the blackness of sleep. Cracking his eye open he tried to drag himself to sitting, only to cry out in unexpected pain. It took this alone for all of the memories to come flooding back to him, sending a rush of nausea through his body. He couldn't suppress it, but found a hand on his back, a bowl before him to collect the acidic expulsion that burned his throat. When he stopped retching he turned his head slightly, saw that it was Bookman who was being this tender. Relief swept over him, he was back at the Order. It had finished.

'Gramps,' he whispered, finding both his throat raw and his lips bruised. He remembered why, the thick, hard flesh, the painful hands in his hair. Tears were in his eyes before he knew it, but Bookman didn't sneer at him in scorn, nor did he turn away. The quiet, distanced old man slipped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him gently to his chest. Lavi took this action, wrapped his arms tight around the man who was the closest to family he would ever have, letting everything overwhelm him as he sobbed into his shoulder. He couldn't hold back the memories, each one hitting him hard and vividly. His eidetic memory left nothing to the imagination, every single second burned into his mind, every touch, every scent, every feeling. He felt like he was drowning in them, living them again.

**Break**

Lavi shook himself off, leaning on his hammer to pull himself to standing. His legs were wobbling with fatigue, but he wasn't done yet. He felt battered and bruised but he was alive, and as long as he was still alive he would fight. He did not have to look to remember the layout of the area, it was etched into his mind like everything else he saw, and he used this to his advantage, extending his hammer as a low-level Akuma advanced, finding the ledge on the building he knew was behind him. Raising his hammer he swung it at the Akuma, destroying it in one. Krory was still battling with the Noah, but it was clear that he would not last much longer on his own. Lavi had felt already how strong he was, knew how dangerous from all that he had heard from the sparse number who had encountered him and lived. Taking a deep breath he launched into an attack. His hammer swept the Noah aside and quickly he crouched to check on the other wounded Exorcist. He was unconscious, head bloodied and Lavi knew enough of injury to realise that he would be in no shape to be fighting any time soon. His mind worked quickly, running through every scenario he could think of. All of those which ended with him having a pulse involved leaving the area as quickly as possible. He was no coward, but had seen enough wars to know that strategic withdrawal was nothing to be ashamed of when it kept your heart beating for the next battle.

'We've got to get you out of here,' he said to Krory, pulling at the older man's arm, straining as he tried to manage his dead weight.

Krory hit the ground heavily, and Lavi froze to the spot as a hand was thrust through his chest from back to front.

'My my, whatever do we have here. I thought those Akuma would have finished you for sure.'

He wasn't dead he realised, and he wasn't bleeding. Looking down at the hand he took in the grey skin, knew this was one of Tyki's particular abilities. The Noah got closer to him, so close he could feel the heat of his body, smell the spice of his aftershave.

'Then again, I am not the first of my family to underestimate you Eyepatch. Road still has the scar that you gave her. Yet maybe that is our own folly, you are of the Bookman clan, are you not? You are not the usual, simple exorcist.'

Lavi didn't reply, but he didn't think that he was meant to as the Noah continuing to talk.

'You do realise that your clan was observing our side the last time.' Tyki moved closer still, the arm that was not through his body over his chest, gripping his shoulder on the other side as he continued to croon into his ear, breath warm. 'But you are too young to have been there for that, so it is of no matter. Our records do not mention you.' The arm slipped back through his body, but was not removed completely, he could feel it moving, as though the Noah was contemplating which organ to tear out. 'Yes, I would have remembered mention of such a fiery creature as yourself.' He felt the smile and it made him shudder. 'You should feel honoured, it's not often that I turn my attention to men, but for you, I will make an exception.'

'What do you mean?' Lavi asked, the first words he had spoken to the Noah, but he thought he understood enough, heart beating rapidly, fear choking his throat.

'Are you truly so innocent not to know when you are the object of someone's desire?' Tyki moved in and Lavi flinched as a hot tongue worked its way up his neck. 'No, that mouth has been kissed before, that body tasted, I can tell. And now, my dear Exorcist, it is my turn to play with you.'

'No,' he said clearly, body carefully still with Tyki's hand still inside him, but his whole being filled with panic and the urge to run. 'Let me go.'

'Now, I don't think you're in a situation where you can make demands of me. I could kill you before you even drew breath. Or if I wished, that abomination over there,' he gestured towards Krory, 'if it were up to me this world would contain only lovely things. It would be no shame to squash him out of existence, in fact it would rather please me.'

Lavi kept his silence. There was nothing that he could do to get them both out of there safely, the most he could do was go without struggle and save Krory at least. He hoped that after Tyki had had his fill of him his life would be forfeit, he did not know if he could go back to the Order with his head held high when his heart held such a secret.

'Good, it appears we have reached an agreement and as long as I keep my black side at bay you never know, you may even enjoy the experience.' Tyki removed his hand out of Lavi's body, but held him just as tight with his other arm. Lavi could feel the strength of the other man, feel it all around him in his height and his bulk. It terrified him. 'So, my pretty little Bookman, shall we go play?'

**Break**

'Junior, do not let the memories surface. Do not let them take hold of your mind.'

Bookman's words cut him out of his memory, but he didn't let go of his mentor, couldn't stop the tears from falling. He had to suppress it, had to push it to the back of his mind. He took a deep breath, tried to do as he was told. It was hard, every slight movement he made making him hurt, igniting the memory of how Tyki had given him the wound. He shivered, burying his face tighter into Bookman's shoulder. He couldn't.

He started speaking around his tears, mind fragmented and unclear.

'One language Junior, English.' Bookman urged, and Lavi realised that he had reverted back to the mixed up language of his childhood. He took a breath, tried to order the words in his mind, pick out the threads of the different languages and stick with one. 'You need to get a hold of yourself, remember your duty.' Bookman said, but the words were hollow, as though he himself did not truly believe them.

It was enough. He had shoved down so many other feelings into the dark to forget them, why couldn't he do the same with this. He was not a normal person, had discarded more personalities than he could count if he did not have such a memory; had modified his behaviour patterns so much that he would not be recognised from one name to the next if he did not have the same face. Even then, his mannerisms had often confused people who had thought he was a firm friend when he had met them under a different guise.

Lavi took a deep breath, pulling in all of the anguish and sorrow flooding out of him, stuffing it into the recesses of his mind. He was a Bookman, he had a duty to remain impartial, to keep his emotions in check. He was to stand on the sidelines, on the edges of history. What had happened to him would be forgotten in time, would never be recorded. It would be as though it had never happened. All he had to do was not think about it. He slowly let his fingers relax, relinquishing the death grip he had on Bookman's jacket. Soon he had enough strength to remove his hands fully, pulling himself away and drying the trail of traitorous tears on his cheeks. A quick lift of the patch and he had both of his eyes dry as he raised his head, looking Bookman in the eye.

'I understand Bookman.' He told him, keeping his voice even. 'I am sorry.'

Bookman nodded, a look in his eyes he could not place. A soft hand was placed on his shoulder. 'You do not need to be sorry. You are strong Lavi, and I know that you will do your best.'

'Did you find me?' He asked, not knowing what to say, but wanting to focus on something that had happened after...

'No, it was Kanda. I'm not surprised you don't remember, it was clear that you did not understand what was happening.'

'Oh,' he said, suddenly pulled into thought. Of all the people he had wanted to find him Kanda was both the best and the worst. The best as he knew that no matter what he had seen he would not tell another soul; but the worst because of the intimacy that they had shared over the years. He was not sure if Bookman was aware of the nights that he had spent wrapped in pleasure with the long haired Japanese teen, but if he did he had not said anything on the matter and that was enough for Lavi. He had never once let it become something which would have interfered with his destiny, and Kanda was not one for affection. But still, to know that Kanda had seen him at his most vulnerable... if Kanda did feel anything for him then he knew that he would not handle this well, would be crying out for the Noah's blood.

'Lavi, you're awake.'

He looked up to see Komui walking through the door, closing it behind him. The man's eyes ran over the scene, Bookman sitting on the bed, the bowl of bile in his hands. Lavi could feel the tightness of dried tears on his face and knew it would be clear that he had been crying. Still, he bit back the pain and looked straight at the Supervisor.

'How are you feeling?' He asked, walking forward, barely looking at him directly, moving to check the IV bag on the stand.

'God awful,' Lavi answered, forcing a wry smile. 'Got any more drugs for me?'

Komui looked up, straight at him as though he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Lavi tried not to notice, although he knew that it was all being filed away for later. And when he was alone he could break, but right now he had to be as he always had been, be true to his Bookman training. He would be 'Lavi' if it killed him.

'Actually, it is about time that you had a further dose. It will most likely knock you out again. Your body has a lot of healing to do.' Komui said, in a voice which was was too serious for Lavi's liking. It always spelled bad news when he used that tone of voice.

'Well, dose me up.' He felt the smile crack, didn't know how long he could keep it in place. At the back of his mind a shrill voice kept crying out that Komui knew what had happened to him, had seen the state of his body when he had fixed him up. His entire being burned with shame.

'Yes... I just have to ask, I've treated as many injuries as I could, but without you conscious I couldn't ask any questions. Do you hurt anywhere you think I've missed?'

Lavi had to force himself not to look away, bite back the answer on his lips that his heart hurt more than it ever had.

'No, you've done a good patch up job from what I can tell.' He answered smoothly.

'Good,' he said, taking him on his word and picking up a needle and a vial of medication. Lavi held out his arm which already had a series of puncture holes over the vein and let Komui do what he had to do. 'You'll feel drowsy. It's very strong.'

Lavi craved it, didn't want to think. He doubted that he would dream, he had not done so far. It was as he faded out of consciousness that he felt a gentle hand on his hair, brushing it back from his forehead. It was a fond gesture, from fingers that cared. Who was it? Bookman? No. Why would it be?

'I think we should talk Bookman, but I don't want to do it here.'

'Then lead the way.'

The comforting touch left him and he fell into blankness. 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: This is a complete work of fiction, in no way affiliated with D-Gray Man.

Warning: This will later contain Mpreg.

Chapter Three

Kanda bit the inside of his cheek. He wanted to go and see Lavi, but knew that he didn't have an excuse to go there that wouldn't show that he cared. It had been two weeks since he had carried him back to the Order building, and he could still feel the weight of him in his arms. He closed his eyes, bit down harder. His nights were filled with dreams, nightmares about what the red head must have endured, and fantasies of slashing Tyki Mykk into tiny pieces. The Order was awash with speculation about what had happened to the Exorcist, but thankfully none of them had come up with the truth. Allen was naïve and hadn't figured it out from what he had seen. Bookman and Komui had been tight lipped about it. Not a single soul had even pressed him for information, and he was thankful for his violent, explosive reputation. Lenalee had directed most of her curiosity to a bemused and clueless Allen.

He sat up at the knock on his bedroom door; brow furrowing. It was late, too late for someone to want to see him. The knock did not hold any urgency, so it did not seem like something untoward was happening in the Order and if it were they wouldn't have knocked. Maybe it was Bookman finally coming to talk to him about that day. He had expected to be approached by the small man, but from what he had heard on the grapevine he had barely been away from Lavi's bedside, even moving in a desk so his work did not suffer. He was glad that Lavi had someone by his side, even though he was as emotionally blank as a piece of paper.

Bare feet on the cold floor he padded over to the door, a quick eye checking that Mugen was within reach before pulling it open a fraction. He felt his eyes widen at the sight before him. Was he dreaming? Lavi stood there, pale and thin, but real and there, dressed in a green cotton shirt and loose cotton pants.

'Uh, hi,' the slightly taller boy offered, only just meeting his gaze, 'I... uh... can I come in?'

'Yeah, sure,' he replied, completely flustered, stepping back and giving room for the other teen to enter. 'Are you meant to be up?' He added as an afterthought as Lavi walked through, eyes raking over him. Concern spiked through his heart at how much weight he had lost.. He didn't have the healthy, vibrant colour he usually did, the vitality of body and soul. It was clear that so much was different, but that he had put a brave face on it.

'Probably not, but I'm going crazy in there. I told the old Panda I was going for a walk, and he didn't object... so... I came here...' Lavi cleared his throat, unable to meet his gaze for the first time since he had met him. Kanda shut the door. 'I wanted to thank you, for finding me, and for... not telling anyone.'

'Lavi I...' He started, a lump in his throat at how strong the boy was being on the outside, but also how obviously broken he was beneath the surface. It was there in the tired set of his shoulders, the clipped edges of his words as he clung to being the boy they expected him to be.

'But there was a more selfish wish... request if you will.' Lavi swallowed heavily, and Kanda traced the movement of his adam's apple with his eyes. Lavi looked up at him, fully in the eyes, the green eye filled with such deep sadness it nearly made him draw breath. 'I need you to touch me Yu.'

'That's not... something...' He cleared his throat, not knowing what to say. This was not what he had expected, but he couldn't deny that the request sent a shot of desire straight to his groin. The physical side of their so called friendship had begun over a year ago, and Kanda craved the other boys body more than he craved anything else in this world.

Lavi took a step back, meek and unsure, eyes now fixed on the ground as his hands twisted together. It was so out of character it was almost startling. What would it take for Lavi to be the boy that he once knew, would he ever be that vibrant again?

'I shouldn't have asked, I'm sorry. I'm an idiot for thinking that you'd want to touch me after...'

Shock widened his eyes and he grabbed Lavi by the shoulder. Lavi who cried out, wrenching himself away, pressing his back to the wall, eye wide in terror. Kanda's mouth fell open and he felt the same anger fill his chest. He wanted to run his blade through the man who had done this to him, who had taken so much from the boy he...

He moved forward, slowly, placing his hand gently on Lavi's shoulder. Without thought he drew him to his chest, raising his other hand to cup the back of his neck. Lavi's soft hair ticked the backs of his fingers, and he delighted in the warmth of his skin. He felt the same, and smelled the same; of tobacco and old books and skin.

'It isn't that I don't want to touch you, it's that I don't think I should.' He answered honestly, fingertips playing with the ends of Lavi's hair as he breathed against him. 'You're hurt and hurting... I don't want to hurt you more, in any way.'

'I don't care,' the other Exorcist answered into his neck, the breath warm and wet, enticing him further. He felt his body tremble. 'I need the memory of his hands off my skin, out of my head. I need him not to be the last person who... fucked me. I need it to be you, the way it should be. Please Yu.'

Kanda couldn't help the soft groan which left his lips as he buried his head in Lavi's neck, hands tugging gently at the back of his hair to give his lips more skin to work with. Lavi moaned, pressing close as though he was trying to stick his body to his. It took only a moment of squirming before their lips were joined. In that moment the world felt right. With his eyes closed he went on touch and taste alone, and it was all Lavi. The younger teen's hands fumbled at his pyjama top, pushing at it in desperation. He pulled it off quickly, wanting to be skin to skin with him, Lavi quick to yank off his own clothing. Had he known that he had wanted this so much? It burned so bright he felt it would consume him inside out. He hated that the Noah had touched Lavi, felt a sense of ownership he had never felt for someone before. Lavi was _his_, only his.

Lavi walked them back quickly, until Kanda's knees hit the back of the bed and he fell to sitting. The other Exorcist straddled him, sitting in his lap as he had done on countless other occasions. Their lips joined again and Kanda felt hands in his hair, pulling through the strands as they fell loose behind him. He gasped as Lavi ground himself down on his arousal, which felt harder and more eager than he could remember.

'Yu...' Lavi half breathed, half moaned into his mouth. Kanda could only answer with his body, unable to trust his voice. He gripped his lovers slim hips, before his fingers popped the button of his cotton pants. He found that Lavi was not wearing anything beneath. It made him hotter when he took Lavi in his hand, when the red head shuddered in delight.

If this was what he needed then he would comply, would make him feel better than he ever had and replace any memory of the abuse he should never have suffered. He owed him that much. He wanted that much...

** break**

When he woke Lavi was gone. The only proof that he had been there was a rumple in the sheet and the lingering scent of his skin. Something hurt in Kanda's chest at the realisation but with a grimace he swallowed it down. Nothing good would come of letting such feelings take root. This was the full extent of their so called relationship, it was one of physical comfort and sexual gratification. The fact that Lavi had gripped and panted and moaned in such a desperate manner meant nothing more than that. Kanda bit his lip, pushing himself out of bed in a single movement, bare feet to the cold stone floor. He was naked, and immediately felt the chill of early morning air on his skin. His body was stiff from sleeping against the wall, the Order beds barely enough space for one person let alone two, and as he stretched he felt the pull of scratches on his shoulder blades.

The first time he had taken Lavi he had been gentle and slow, taking his time to prepare his injured lover; making him squirm under every kiss until he slipped into his body and brought them to an agonisingly slow but achingly beautiful climax, one that had brought Lavi to tears. He had kissed them from his cheeks, murmuring sweet comforts that now made him blush to think of. The second had been fuelled by their usual desperate passion where Lavi had gripped him tight and urged him harder, faster until their bodies were sweaty and sated. If anything Lavi had been more eager than usual and he himself had given everything he had to remove the imprint of the Noah from both Lavi's body and mind; not just to help his lover, but as an act of possession.

Kanda exhaled and shook his head, turning and pulling on a robe and sandals before exiting the room and making his way to the communal washroom. Last night had thrown their equilibrium into chaos. As the hours passed Lavi had left behind all traces of his Bookman self, the boy that had swallowed their mutual moans like air had been unsure and needy and vulnerable in a way he had not seen before. The red-head had been gentle and affectionate and afterwards he had smiled... not the broad, toothy grin that defined 'Lavi', but something which was so utterly stunning and _real_ it had stopped his heart.

But none of that mattered, not a single moment of it and he would not sit and analyse the tangled mess his emotions had become. Lavi would leave, that was the only definite amongst all of the variables, his succession demanded it and when he left he would take nothing with him, not even his name. Kanda knew that any attachment he grew to feel would cause nothing but suffering and he had suffered enough without creating more for himself out of blind stupidity. It was best to ignore.

When he reached the wash-room he was in a bad mood and it only got worse when he realised that he was not alone. Allen and Krory were there and he cursed himself for sleeping in, usually he was an early riser and missed the others, intentionally. He hated their inane morning pleasantries, the positivity the white haired exorcist seemed to wake with. But he looked subdued now, in nothing but a towel, hair damp around his face and another tower hung over his shoulders. Krory was facing him, leaning against the basins. Kanda didn't say anything, just went to the shelves to get a fresh towel.

'How did he look?' Krory asked Allen, and Kanda felt his ears twitch, turning into their conversation.

'He looked... better,' was the diplomatic answer. 'Did you see him this morning Kanda?'

'Who, idiot beansprout?' Kanda asked roughly, not turning.

'Lavi. I saw him this morning, he said he was getting some air, it looked like he should have walked past your room and I know you're an early riser.'

Kanda felt his heart relax as he realised the innocence behind the question.

'I did not. He was well?' He asked, knowing his own observations, but wanting to know what the others thought as they didn't know the truth.

'He was... odd.' Allen answered, brow furrowing, 'he smiled and joked like always and the bruises are fading, but something was... not right.'

'It's my fault,' Krory interjected with sullen morbidity, 'he got hurt because he saved me. If he had left me and run...'

Kanda knew it to be the truth, but there was no point in telling the sensitive fool that.

'It is doubtful he would have been able to outrun the Noah.' Kanda said with gravity, turning to face them both with towel in hand. He didn't miss that Allen raised his right hand, gripping his left arm, the arm that Tyki had once destroyed.

'Just be glad that Tyki left him alive,' Allen commented, eyes dulling as he lost himself in his own memories. The Noah thought that he had killed Allen, left him slowly bleeding to death from the wound he had had the Tease nibble in his heart. Kanda felt the bloodlust rise within him once again, the desire to crush the sadistic pleasure Noah with his own two hands. He did not need to be reminded of his depravities.

'I suppose. Do you think he is well enough for visitors? I would like to thank him.'

'There's no harm in asking. Bookman will let us know either way. Will you come as well Kanda, you were the one that found him after all?' Allen asked, turning to him almost hopefully.

Kanda histitated, not sure how the others expected him to react. It was hard to remain his cool, stoic self when it concerned Lavi. It screwed him up.

'I have other business to attend to,' he finally told them, turning his back and heading to the showers.

They barely blinked, continuing with their conversation as he moved to the other room, glad to shut out their chatter. He needed to sort his own emotions, push it all out of his head and definitely his heart. He was not meant to let himself feel. There was too much pain in feeling. It was a lesson he had already learned and was in no rush for a repeat.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: This is a complete work of fiction, in no way affiliated with D-Gray Man.

Warning: This will later contain Mpreg.

Chapter Four

'Fuck,' Lavi exhaled as he sank to the floor, head in his hands. He couldn't stop shaking, whole body trembling as though he was waking from one of the exhausting nightmares that tormented him in the dead of night. The back of his neck was slick with cold sweat, but his brow felt hot and feverish.

It wasn't fair, he had done everything to ignore the memory of what happened to him. These last two and a half months he had worked and worked to push it to the back of his mind, to force down the nausea whenever someone touched him, the panic and fear whenever he was alone. Still he woke sweating and sick in the middle of the night, plagued by the memories he couldn't keep locked up in slumber. During the day he buried it all deep beneath his double duties as Bookman apprentice and Exorcist and it was enough. Boookman hadn't voiced anything, but it was clear that he was pleased with his perceived progress. He had kept his persona firmly in place, internalizing the horrors, hiding behind the mask the way he had always been taught. His only slip had been with Yu, away from the prying eyes of the Order. He had shown him weakness, vulnerability in a way he knew was prohibited, but there had been no other option in his mind. If he hadn't gone to him that night he wouldn't have been able to do this, wouldn't have the imprint of a kinder set of hands on his skin to focus his mind. And it wasn't like it was something continuing, he hadn't even seen the other Exorcist since the night he had begged for them to spend together, the night Yu had helped him pull his fractured world back together. The other Exorcist had been on a lengthy mission on the other side of the world. There had been no chance for him to seek that forbidden comfort.

This however, this wasn't something that could be fixed by touch an affection, this was... He punched the floor, delighting in the pain that shot up through his knuckles. Why the fuck was this happening to him? Up until this point, before he had been taken by the Noah, his biggest worry had been his budding feelings for the long haired Samurai, the way that he ached for his presence when they were parted. To want Yu sexually was one matter, that fit in with his Bookman life, to crave his company, his smell, the sound of his breathing, was quite another. It made him a traitor to his apprenticeship and he knew it. Yet right now, in the scheme of everything, his indiscretions with Yu were insignificant. This was so much more dangerous... damaging.

All this time... he should have known. He was smart, astute, moreso than most and he knew it. How could he have been so fucking stupid? Why had it taken him so long to connect all the dots? He had heard that people pushed what they didn't want to acknowledge to the back of their minds, pretended as though it didn't happen, ignored the signs. He had seen it in grieving mothers who clutched the bodies of their dead children to their breasts thinking they were still crying for milk; the elderly fathers who stood at the window waiting patiently for their children to return from the front lines when they were already bloating and festering under the countless other corpses. But he had always seen everything clearly, with a clinical almost scientific gaze. The truth was what it was, the truth; there was neither good nor bad in it, it just was. So how had he missed this?

There was no other explanation for the tenderness of his chest, the constant nausea, the aversion to food and debilitating fatigue. It was clear what his body was screaming at him; he was pregnant. And to make it all that much _fucking_ worse he just knew that it was Tyki's. How could it not be? Yu never came within him, not a single time over the course of their intimacy; Tyki had used him over and over again, at first delighting in making his traitorous body spasm, much to his eternal shame, and then as nothing but a sheath for the brutal pleasures of his black side. Knowing this, knowing what was there... his defilement was now complete. Tyki had implanted him with the evidence of those torturous days, his seed had fused with his own essence and a speck of life now grew within him. He leaned over the toilet, unable to stop from retching out acidic bile from his already sore throat. Why hadn't the Noah just killed him? Why had he left him alive, was this all part of the humiliation? It didn't make sense for his pregnancy to be a plan, not only was it almost impossible to control conception, but there hadn't been anything pre-determined about the way Tyki had taken him, it had been nothing but monstrous whimsy.

He sat back, wiping the back of his hand roughly over his mouth although the sick feeling did not leave. There had to be something that he could do to get rid of this situation before anyone else found out. Surely he could find something, some medication, a remedy... _anything_ in the texts of the library which would give him the knowledge he needed. But he couldn't stop the niggling doubt clawing in the back of his mind. This wasn't usual. There was no record of Noah having children, the Noah were awakened from human bodies created of human parents; there was no need for them to have progeny.

Lavi raised a trembling hand, placing it over the patch covering his right eye. He _knew_ it was because of his eye, there was no other reason for this to have happened, for there to be any physical compatibility with such creatures. All these years he had fought against it, tried to forget about it when he had followed Bookman around the world, and for his part Bookman did not mention it either. It was the elephant in the room, the one thing that should have been his biggest challenge to becoming Bookman. Yet Bookman had seen his skills and chosen to look past the affliction. Now, if this child was born, there was no way that he could stop himself from becoming history.

Panic tightened his chest and he found it increasingly hard to breathe. He couldn't lose his apprenticeship, he couldn't lose Bookman. He knew nothing else, had nothing else. This was his life, his tried to draw in deep breaths to calm his erratic breathing. Letting his mind go it filed back through his memories, the fragments he remembered of his early life, the constant biting hunger, the blurred faces of his brothers and sisters, the pinching, painful hands of his mother. Bookman had rescued him from that hell when he was about four years old, neither of them too sure of his exact age. From that moment he had been given a purpose, no matter how unintentionally. Initially Bookman had seen him only for his eye, as something interesting to document. But the more time they had spent together, the more he had learned and shown his promise... for whatever reason Bookman decided to keep him out of the records, let him follow him even though he gained an apprentice. Bookman had taken a risk when finally taking him as his apprentice, they both knew it, but neither had ever mentioned it. And now they would be punished for it. Bookman was too old to take another apprentice, there was no way he would have enough time to pass on all that he needed to. Lavi was his only realistic option, and if he couldn't get rid of this _thing_ inside him then Bookman would have no choice but to revoke his place within the clan. Bookmen had no ties, no attachments, definitely not any family.

He threw up again, head spinning as he felt the world fade around him. Somehow he managed to keep consciousness, sucking in deep breaths of air as he clutched the cold porcelain of the toilet, resting his cheek on the seat. He felt like he was going to die. Bookman hadn't figured it out yet, of that Lavi was one hundred percent certain. No doubt he had chalked his strange behaviours down to what he had faced at the hands of the Noah, the mental and physical recovery he was meant to be going through. He wouldn't be able to hide it for long. Bookman was too astute, had known him for too many years. This was something he was going to have to deal with quickly. If it all failed then he would have to think about injury in the field, their duties as Exorcist were not safe, and no doubt being flung through a wall as he had been countless times before would result in miscarriage. But first he would go to the library, see what he could find there. If not, then he was sure he could sweet talk the nurses into letting him get more access to the medical wing than he should usually be afforded. All he was sure of was that he had to get this thing out of him, whatever the cost. But first, he had to gather enough strength to pick himself up off the floor.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: This is a complete work of fiction, in no way affiliated with D-Gray Man.

Warning: This will later contain Mpreg.

Chapter Five

Kanda stood in the shadows, watching Lavi as he scratched pen over paper, head bent over his Bookman work. It was moments like these that he cherished the most. His eyes soaked in the broadness of Lavi's shoulders as he enjoyed the even rhythm of his breathing, how still and silent his lover was with his head bent forward exposing the back of his neck. It made Kanda want to walk over and press his lips to that strip of skin between hair and collar. He knew he shouldn't have these impulses, knew that it would only hurt him in the long run. But it was hard not to feel so tender towards the marginally younger teen. There was so much about him that he appreciated, and after all that he had been through, how hard he was trying to hold it all together, it made his heart swell with soft emotion. Most of the Order had no idea that he was suffering, that anything had happened to him other than a beating; and that took strength, so much that it amazed him. They had all fought and struggled, had been through hell and back in the fight against the Earl; however, they had all broken at one point or another, and despite it all there was always one person who stood there easy and smiling. Lavi was the strongest of them, of that he had no doubt, and that made him so very proud.

He pulled further into the shadows as footsteps echoed in the empty library, Booman's tiny form moving toward his apprentice. He didn't think about the man's stature much, but watching them here the wizened old man only came to Lavi's shoulder, even when seated. Idly Kanda wondered how old the man was, of all the things they had spoken of, the wars that they had documented, some of the people they had met; Lavi had not once mentioned anything about the man other than his presence. Bookman leaned in, peering at the work before his apprentice.

'You have made a mistake Junior.' The man told him evenly, the name something they only seemed to use amongst themselves. Lavi leaned forwards in disbelief as Bookman stood back, linking his hands in his sleeves. A moment later Lavi sat back.

'I'm sorry Bookman, I will re-write the record.'

'Yes,' the man told him, turning and walking away. He hesitated a moment, turning back to look at his apprentice. 'It is not like you to make such errors.' With that the man was gone, leaving Lavi staring down at the paper.

Kanda's eyes widened as the boys shoulders slumped and he raised balled fists to his eyes, drawing a ragged breath that spoke of un-shed tears. He wanted to step forward and wrap him in the safety of his embrace. But he shouldn't be here, this weakness something private, something Lavi would not have shown him if he knew that he was there. Guilt overtook him and he backed out of the library. Once outside he let his hands rest on the closed door, thinking of the man behind it, hesitating on walking away. No, he had to leave, he had to give Lavi his privacy. He started as he turned, Bookman stood there, face neutral, hands still joined in his sleeves.

'Bookman?' He asked.

'For future reference, if you are spying on someone, you would do better taking off that Exorcist coat. The buttons reflect the light. If Lavi were not so distracted you would not have gone unnoticed.'

Kanda felt as if he were backed against the wall, he couldn't tell what the man wanted, why he was talking to him. The silence drew long, and it made him even more uncomfortable.

'Did you want something Bookman?' He finally managed to ask, tongue wetting his nervously dry lips. He tried to keep his composure, but his heart was racing. There was no good reason for him to be stood there watching Lavi like that. Bookman was too astute to not see something odd in the situation.

'You have feelings for my apprentice,' Bookman stated, not blinking. His voice was the same practiced neutral as usual. Kanda squirmed under his gaze, the truth of his words. Not only didn't he want his soul to be laid bare this way, but he didn't want to get Lavi into trouble, not after what he was already suffering. He should deny it, threaten violence and explode as he would if it were anyone else at the Order who accused him of something ridiculous. But he just... couldn't. His awkward silence spoke volumes and Bookman continued. 'I want you to go to him.'

'I don't understand,' Kanda pressed, completely confused about what he was hearing, still reeling in shock that he had been revealed. Surely Bookman should be pushing him away from his apprentice, warning him off, telling him that Lavi did not need to be confused by human emotion. 'You know what you are asking of me?'

Bookman looked back towards the door, and for the first time since he had known him the elderly man looked frail.

'I have known about your... trysts... since they began and I saw no reason to stop them. Neither of you seemed unduly attached and I am aware of the physical needs of teenage boys. Yet since the Noah, it is clear that you have let other emotions surface Kanda.' The old man leaned forward, reaching up, placing a hand on his arm. 'You know my work, are one of the few people in the Order who understands what me and Lavi are, to some degree. So I will be honest with you and not simply manipulate you into doing what I need. Lavi is struggling with what happened to him, it is clear that he is, and he needs comfort. That is something that I just cannot offer him.'

'Why not?' Kanda asked, shocked that the usually underhand man was being this upfront with him.

'Mainly because he would not let me, would not show me any weakness. But with you... he will likely let you in.'

'You said it yourself, there is no emotional connection, what makes you think he would allow me closer?' Kanda continued, needing more from the man, some form of validation. He held his breath, wondering just how much the old man would give him.

The man stared at him.

'You share intimacy with him, to a level he has not experienced before. I know he went to you as soon as he was released from the infirmary after the attack, I am right to ask for you to comfort him. You are part of the reason that he has managed to hold himself together.'

'I have done nothing, it is his own strength. But if you think it will help. I will go to him, so long as you answer me one question.' Bookman nodded, too easily, too quickly. 'Why are you allowing this.'

Bookman's eyebrows raised, as though this was not the question he had expected him to ask. He was silent a moment, before raising his eyes and looking straight at Kanda.

'Because he has not always been my apprentice.'

It was cryptic, and all he offered before he walked off down the hall and into the darkness, leaving Kanda stunned. The offering raised more questions than it answered. Still, he _wanted_ to go to Lavi, wanted to offer him some form of comfort. He hated seeing the other suffer like this when he was being so very brave. However, he was confused by this request from Bookman. Was it some kind of test? He knew only bits and pieces about how the clan operated, but most of it was hidden from him, from everyone but the clan members themselves. Did he even care what was happening behind the scenes? As far as it appeared the old man had just given him permission to approach and comfort his distressed apprentice, and his heart was screaming at him to comply.

Kanda shook his head, tutting to himself before opening the door and walking back into the library. His chest felt tight as soon as he did, Lavi had straightened slightly, but his hands were stilled on the desk before him and he stared down sullenly at the paper. What was he thinking, what was he remembering? His face softened as he moved close, was surprised that the other boy did not register his presence. For all of his goofy actions, the younger exorcist had always been sharp on the battlefield. Something really was wrong. Kanda reached out, placing his hand on Lavi's shoulder, realising instantly that it had been a mistake to approach him unawares as he yelped, standing up and turning so quickly that he knocked over his chair. There was panic and terror on his face, and Kanda didn't miss how fast his chest was rising.

Lavi settled as soon as his wide, terrified eye recognised him. Kanda bent down, wordlessly picking up the chair, giving them both time to gather themselves. He should have known to make his presence known, he was an idiot. When he was done Lavi was leaning back against the table, looking more relaxed, more _himself. _Kanda reached out again, taking a lock of soft, vibrant hair between his fingers. The more he saw, the more he wanted to protect Lavi at all costs.

'I didn't know you were back in the Order.'

'I arrived a few hours ago.' He told the other teen, searching his face, taking in all of the changes he could. The boy still hadn't gained any of the weight back, looked exhausted and pale. 'Bookman told me to come,' he told him as Lavi raised a questioning eye to meet his.

'That stupid... old Panda... I...' the facade dropped, 'Lavi's' voice and enthusiasm falling away, leaving him looking so small and forlorn. 'I can't believe he saw me like this. Shit.'

'He seemed worried,' he told him, staring at his face. He was pale beneath his hair, washed out to the point of translucency, tired stains beneath his eye. He looked ill, but still he was beautiful to him.

'Bookman doesn't worry,' he dismissed, moving his eye back to looking at the ground. 'So this means that he knows about us then.'

'Yes, but it didn't seem to bother him.'

'Fuck, this is just something else I'll have to deal with. I...' Lavi bit his lip, body shuddering as he screwed his eye shut, desperately trying to keep it together. Kanda raised his other hand on impulse, burying it in the other side of his hair, leaning in, placing a tender kiss to his forehead. It was only whenever he was this close to him that he noticed the barely there height difference, the redhead a fraction taller.

'I don't think it will be a problem, if that is any consolation. Bookman gave no indication that he was unhappy with our arrangement, I can't see why he would tell me to come to you if he did. Surely he would have wanted distance between us.'

Lavi nodded forlornly, another shudder trembling through his body, but he held in his emotion, taking a deep, steadying breath.

'Do you want to talk about what's wrong?' Kanda asked, unable to let his hands drop from his suffering lover, one still playing through the lengths of his hair, the other dropping to rest on the side of his neck.

'I... made a mistake with the records,' he lied, still staring at the floor. Lavi was a proficient liar, had to be as a Bookman in training. It was odd to see him make such a terrible attempt. Kanda just kept his silence, knew that Lavi would crack soon enough. He might not think twice about lying to the others in the order, but he had not been able to do it with Kanda. Maybe it was because of the intimacy they had shared, but there had been an element of truth before they had even started sleeping together. Kanda liked to think that it was because such petty tricks wouldn't work on him; but in reality he knew that Lavi could trick him without even trying if he really wanted to and he would have no idea that it had even happened. There was so much about the young Bookman that was still such a mystery to him, and he had been allowed to view more than anyone else.

'It's not just that,' Lavi caved, 'I made a mistake because I can't concentrate. It's... it feels like no matter what I do I just cant get away from what happened to me. If I can't change it all soon then I know I'm going to lose my place as Bookman's apprentice. I can't let that happen, I can't let Tyki have taken that away from me.'

'There seems little difference in your work, and with the others you have been 'Lavi'.' A sudden thought hit him, made his blood freeze. 'Is it because of me?'

'You? Why would you think that?'

'Because Bookmen are not meant to have attachments, and...' he felt himself blushing.

Lavi raised his head and his hand, placed it over the one on his neck. There was determination in his eye. 'Out of all of this, what we share is the only part that doesn't confuse me. If Bookman asked you to come here, then that's as good as him giving this his sanction in my opinion.'

'Then what's bothering you so much? Please Lavi, let me help you.'

'You can't help me,' Lavi replied sullenly, looking to the side, hair falling over the side of his face, shielding his visible eye. 'Honestly. But I am very grateful for the offer. You've given me so much more than you had to, and it means a lot to me. This is just something that have to sort out myself.'

Kanda nodded, throat tightening. He felt shut out, dismissed; but he knew that he had no right. It had been such a private violation, something so intimately damaging that he couldn't even imagine what the other must be feeling. Would he himself have bee able to endure such helplessness, such private invasion? He could barely register the horror of it.

'I understand, just remember that if there is anything you need, or anything you need to talk to someone about... then I will be there.'

This made Lavi flush, but he kept his gaze, nodding in promise. There was such gratitude on his face that it hurt to see it. This was an offer that countless others should have made him, but he had chosen to deal with this in silence and solitude, to keep the others in the dark as he kept to 'Lavi' and his Bookman duties. Unable to help himself he pulled his lover into an embrace, holding him tight, breathing in the scent that he loved so much.

'I'm sorry,' Lavi breathed into his shoulder.

'Never be sorry,' he demanded, taking his own comfort from the solid warmth in his arms. Was it any wonder that he felt so deeply when there was so much to admire about the other?


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: This is a complete work of fiction, in no way affiliated with D-Gray Man.

Warning: This will later contain Mpreg.

Chapter Six

Kanda felt like screaming. What the fuck was Lavi doing? He himself had arrived late to the fight, seen instantly that the rest of the Exorcists were already bloodied and tired from an intense battle; but that wasn't what worried him. Lavi acted like an idiot, but he had always been a skilful and intelligent fighter when it came down to it. Here there was a reckless abandon in his movements, almost throwing himself at the Akima without regard for his own physical safety. Or was he just reading too much into it?

This was the first mission that he had been on since the incident with Tyki. Of course he would not be himself facing the Akuma once again, would be reminded of the last time he had been in combat. Still, he wanted to walk over and grab the boy, shake him by the arm and ask him why he was being so reckless.

He dodged the incoming Akuma attack with less space than he would have liked, reacting too slowly with his focus on the red-head. Kanda cursed himself as the Akuma's tail whipped around, barely an inch from his face. He was being as idiotic as Lavi, it didn't matter that it had been a few weeks since he had seen the other boy, that night in the library. It didn't matter that that night they had not re-kindled their physical intimacy and he craved the closeness they had lost; Lavi's need for distance was understandable and more than a reasonable, if not silent, request.

Given the opening he needed Kanda shoved his blade deep into the Akuma, ripping it in half. He watched it explode in satisfaction. Adrenaline buzzed through his veins and he felt a breeze caress over the bare skin of his face. There was so much noise, but whenever he killed an Akuma there was always this moment of calm, these few seconds where the kill was savoured and he could smell the dirt and blood of the battlefield.

Allen's shrill voice ripped him out of the reflection, and turning swiftly on his heel he watched the level three dart away from the English boy, raising it's huge arm, slamming it into Lavi's side. Kanda felt like the world was slowing around him, Lavi's weapon not even raised, seemingly taken off guard. The breath caught in his throat as the boys body flew limply through the air, cracking sickeningly into a building which proceeded to collapse onto him, structure already badly damaged from the fight.

Kanda didn't even think, shouting at Allen and the others to deal with the Akuma as he sprinted straight to the rubble. Stupid Lavi, how could he have been so careless to get hit like that, to not even have his weapon raised! Damn that fucking Noah for turning him into this, for changing him this way. Before all of this Lavi would never have made such a rookie mistake, would have had enough battlefield presence to at least be on his guard. It was one of the things he admired about him.

He didn't need to call out for the boy as he started to clamber over the fallen masonry, red hair bright beneath the settling dust. Kanda sheathed Mugen, needing both his hands to heave a huge block of stone out of the way, leaving his palms dusty.

'Lavi?' He called now, voice cracking and weak as his horrified eyes took in the blood. 'Lavi?'

Kanda was on his knees, crawling along the floor, hands trembling as he placed them on the dirty material of Lavi's exorcist coat. It wasn't good. Lavi's chest was crushed, frothy blood on his lips, breath sounding wet and weak. But more than that there was dark blood on the ground, turning the dirt black and pasty. Kanda didn't need to look at the back of his head to know how life-threatening it was. It was a fracture, and a significant one at that, his head slightly deformed.

The world span around him, panic gripping his chest in a way he had never experiened. They needed a medic, Bookman, _anyone_ who could help him when he was so helpless. Lavi was going to die. He was... Kanda couldn't stop himself from grabbing at Lavi's limp body, pulling him tight, holding him close. Pain ripped though his chest as Lavi rattled another agonised breath against his ear. Tears found their way into his eyes, filling them so completely blinking did nothing but make them fall. He couldn't lose him like this, he couldn't...

His mind cleared, and it was with grim determination that he laid his lovers body flat on the ground again. Taking the knife he carried in his belt he raised it to his arm, hesitating only momentarily before dragging it over his flesh. He gritted his teeth at the pain but bore it. The blood swelled into the cut, pearling above it and sliding a path down his pale skin.

Kanda hesitated, pulling his bloodied arm back. He needed to be careful, Lavi had been upfront with what he knew about his past, in a way he would not have expected. And if he gave Bookman too much suspicion then his past would be further investigated. Maybe a few drops, something to keep him breathing? He looked down at Lavi's ashen face, the kiss of death already upon his pale, bloodied lips. If he did nothing he would die. He bowed his head over his fallen world, biting his lip as he struggled with the decision. The first and only time this had happened it had been an accident, this would be no accident, would be his own choice... was he ready to make it? The Bookman clan already knew his origins, if they were to find this out also, to tell the order... Not that he should even know that they knew.

It had been years ago that Lavi had told him the truth...

They were out on mission together, the first alone and already Kanda wanted to strangle the loud red-head. Usually Bookman accompanied them, and the old man and his admonishment of his apprentice was gladly welcomed. But Bookman had broken his foot and was yet to fully recover. Lenalee had been suggested, but Komui had not trusted his sister alone with two teenage boys without some form of chaperone.

This was only the second night on the road and he had had enough. They had set up camp on a sheltered Catalan beach, the sand warm from the days sun that was only just starting to set. Usually Kanda would sit and relax knowing that the weather would remain clear, but the prospect of having to share the balmy night with the other boy kept the scowl on his face.

Kanda turned his attention from the fire he had built, and realised that the other teenager was silent for the first time since they had met. Turning to the other boy he found him sprawled out, leaning back on his hands, fingers dug into the sand, keen eye staring out at the sea turned pink from the setting sun. He had the same casual placement of body that he expected, limbs spread with easy abandon; but in this moment there was something more reserved and contemplative, something which didn't seem to _fit._

Kanda knew some details of the Bookman clan, had managed to overhear Komui talking to some of the Senior Exorcists who were voicing their concern about admitting the two men into the Order. From what he heard, and what his gut was telling him; there was just something _wrong_ about the both of them, something which couldn't be trusted. Not that Kanda trusted people, trusting led to pain and hurt and he wasn't about to let himself feel that again.

'You can ask me you know.' The red-head said, breaking the silence. Kanda looked away sharply, realised that he had been staring and had been caught.

'What are you talking about?' Kanda dismissed with a grimace, scowling in his usual way as he finished placing the final stones around the fire.

'You were staring at me.'

'Was not.' He denied bitterly, heard the childish lilt to his voice and cringed.

Lavi chuckled to himself, an infuriating smile spreading over his lips. Kanda hated the way it made the green of his eye seem brighter, brought a glow to his creamy, vibrant skin. Everything about him was energetic and bright and... fascinating.

'I know about you Yu.'

'What?' Kanda asked turning to look at the boy again, noting that the seriousness was back on his face. It made his stomach sink.

'Well, I know what the words on the paper tell me. I know of your origins, your design, what they put you both through...'

Kanda was on the boy in an instant, knees either side of his hips as he pinned him to the sand, blade to his throat.

'You know nothing,' he snarled, pressing the blade closer, wanting the boy to flinch, to cower. He wanted him to feel something when the pain was so vivid in his own chest as the forbidden memories forced themselves tot he forefront of his mind. Lavi did nothing, lying there still and steady as though the blade were not there, nothing but composure in the intelligent green of his eyes that made it seem as though he was looking into the very depths of his soul. He knew, yet there was no disgust, no intrigue, no fear... there was nothing.

'As I said, I know the facts, the unbiased truth of ink on paper. I am not so ignorant as to presume that lets me _know_ how you felt, how you feel.'

'Don't patronise me,' Kanda continued, struggling with the strange feelings in his chest. There was the usual rage, but it was more uncomfortable than that. It felt as though Lavi was looking inside him, looking and accepting him without judgement for his actions. He needed that judgement, he had been wrong to do what he did, even though it was the right thing. Each day he suffered that little bit more in his enforced solitude.

'Patronising you isn't my intention.' Lavi replied, still so calm. So close to him he could feel that there was no elevation in his heartbeat, no single ounce of fear. Did he so truly believe Kanda would not kill him, or did he just not care? 'I merely thought it a courtesy to tell you.'

'You are a fool.'

'You know I am not.' Lavi replied evenly, and Kanda couldn't argue with those words. The infuriating boy acted like an idiot within order walls, grinning and shouting as though he were any normal teenager. However, he had noticed the small differences when they were out in the field, gaining a sharpness which meant he kept his skin intact and all of them alive. He hated that he couldn't pin him down, couldn't figure out just _who_ Lavi was.

'Look Yu, I wanted to be honest with you. Out of all of the others, you trust me the least, and that makes me respect you. I wanted to give you a reason to trust me.'

'By telling me that you understand?'

'I never once said I understand, I said I _knew. _I can't understand that which I could never feel.'

'Most people would assume empathy.' Kanda replied tersely, not able to let his muscles relax, still pinning Lavi to the sand. His body was warm and strong, if he wanted to he could fight back. Why didn't he?'

'And usually I would fake empathy, if the situation called for it. You were staring at me because you can't figure me out. I get that, I'm not used to being in close quarters with people for so long and Bookman doesn't expect me to be able to maintain my persona flawlessly here; it is the biggest test I have had since I began my apprenticeship. You're sharp enough to notice those flaws, the little things that don't quite sit right, the wrong movement here, the wrong inflection there. I am still in training so I cannot be too hard on myself for the mistakes I've made.'

'I don't...' Kanda said, relaxing slightly sitting back, the blade falling from Lavi's neck to rest limply against his chest.

'You're not meant to understand, and I'm under oath of the Clan not to reveal its secrets. I can tell you only the basics. Bookmen are not what we seem, we take on a name and personality that will best suit our environments and our purposes. We seek and record the forbidden, forgotten history; document that which people are not meant to know or will not know once the words of victory have been tainted by the winners tongue.'

'So who are you?' Kanda asked, sitting up, looking down at the other teen.

Lavi's reply was instant.

'I am Bookman's apprentice. That is all I am permitted to be.'

Kanda raised his head, looking tenderly into Lavi's face again, he took in the gentle peppering of barely there freckles, the thickness of his lashes. Those words did not hold true now. With him Lavi had become more than simply Bookman's apprentice. He _knew_ it. Their physical intimacy was something they were not shy about, it boiled down to human need; but there were soft, blushing, awkward moments between them still which spoke of burgeoning emotions on the young Bookman's side. Lavi had given so much of himself, so much that he should not have given.

Kanda raised his arm, swiped his finger over the healing gash, taking a small amount of fresh blood. This he pressed between Lavi's lips, onto his tongue which felt too dry to the touch. He watched his adams apple bob as he swallowed out of reflex.

'I wont watch you die.' He told the other boy, pulling his body tight, feeling his own tremble as he willed him to live. He didn't doubt his own emotions, he loved the strange, bright boy who had wormed his way between his defences.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: This is a complete work of fiction, in no way affiliated with D-Gray Man.

Warning: This will later contain Mpreg.

Chapter Seven

_'He's your son.'_

_'It's a curse, and abomination. I regret that I carried it in my belly, gave it life. Just one coin is all I ask... then you can do as you wish with him.'_

_The scent of dirt, of smoke, the ripeness of unwashed bodies. So many voices in different languages, kind, angry, hate-filled, neutral. Walls closed in on him, making him cower. He had to get out, wanted to get out. Her hands pinched his skin, spiteful words from ragged red-headed children. Bruises on skin, the lines of ribs through paper thin paleness. _

_The mountains loomed large around him, the chill of wind chapping rough lips. Feet that blistered and broke, healed, blistered and broke again. The smell of tobacco, parchment and fresh air. Silence. Wonderful, accepting silence. So still and calm, innocent._

_'Eiji!' The cry of a desperate man, blood on his hands, thick and slippery and an ache in his chest. Cold and hot and unbearable. Comforting hands without words._

_Brutal hands that brought burning shame._

Lavi jolted awake, dreams still tangled in his mind. The dizziness hit him immediately, and he felt like he was going to throw up. Clearly he had taken a blow to the head, and this was part of the concussion. It always took a while for his memory to clear, and a moment later he remembered it, the details of the battle pushing their way to the forefront. Six Akuma, Noise Marie and Bookman, Allen and... Yu? They had saved the innocence and he had thrown himself at the Akuma in the middle of battle. He remembered being tossed into a building, clearly he had been hit in the wrong place, not the body blow he had been hoping for. That life still grew within him, he _knew _it. A groan of frustration left his lips.

'Lavi, you're awake?'

'Yes,' he replied testily, unable to put a smile on it as he painfully pulled himself up to sitting, Komui leaning in and helping him rest upright against the pillows. He could smell the bleach, knew that he was back at the Order, the scent was always the same, one brand of cleaning product used in their infirmary.

'How are you feeling, you took a pretty nasty blow to the head.'

'I've got a hell of a headache, but other than that I feel just great,' he replied, forcing the smile, but unable to keep the hints of bitterness and disappointment out of his voice.

The silence grew heavy, and Komui dropped to sitting on the end of the bed, taking off his glasses, wiping his eyes as though he was tired before replacing them. He took a deep breath and Lavi knew what was coming.

'Lavi... I have...some news that may come as a bit of a shock to you. You're...'

'Pregnant, I know,' Lavi finished for him, staring straight back at the older man. He watched his face change; the way he looked up at him, eyes widening. He had always liked studying people, seeing them react, but right now he hated that he could practically see the thoughts pulling through the man's head.

'You know?'

'I do.'

'Why haven't you said anything?' The chief pressed, still staring at him.

He hated being stared at, hated being made to feel he was noticed. All his life he had tried to fade into the background, to sit on the outskirts. It made him completely uncomfortable to be scrutinised so closely.

'I was taking care of it myself,' he answered, turning his head away from the man, unable to take those eyes any longer.

'But you went on a mission, put yourself in harms way... I don't understand why you'd...'

'Because I want this _thing_ fucking dead, why do you think?' He finally snapped, unable to keep calm. Hearing this man talking to him, having it out in the open. This just made it all real, and it was too much for him to handle. He was slipping and he knew it, but he couldn't stop, couldn't think enough to even wonder how 'Lavi' would react.

'Don't you think you should have at least come to me to talk about it?' Komui asked, having seen to any of his medical needs that Bookman himself had not been able to service.

'I don't need to talk, I need it out of me.'

'But the father...' Komui pressed, trying to be reasonable, rational.

'Has no fucking say,' he spat, turning and glaring at the man who was forcing him to think of things he didn't want to. He was trapped and cornered on the bed under Komui's soft, caring eyes. He could feel Tyki touching him, his breath in his ear as he laughed. 'This is no dalliance, this is... is...' The tears filled his eyes before he could stop them.

'The Noah?' Fell from Komui's mouth, equal amounts of horror and disbelief.

Lavi could only nod, breathing deep to try and keep his emotions in check, so ready to run out of control.

'I'll go get Bookman, you need...'

'No!' He shouted, reaching out, gripping Komui's sleeve. Panic shot through him, making him breathless. 'He can't know, please. Just get rid of it and everything will be fine.'

He could see Komui's mind working, thinking over whatever loyalty he had to the Bookman clan and whatever he had for the Exorcists.

'Please,' he pleaded, begging so pitifully, sounding smaller than he ever had. It wasn't an act of manipulation. If Komui told Bookman then it was all over, he would lose everything. Bookmen had no ties. Bookmen had no families.

'Okay, okay. I can have everything set up in about half an hour if you're sure.' Komui acquiesced, and Lavi felt himself once again able to draw breath.

'I'm sure. I don't want to have the child of the man who raped me, especially not the child of a Noah.' He answered with as much strength as he could muster, it came out mostly as hatred.

Komui nodded. 'You are old enough to make this decision alone, and I will honour that.'

'Thank you.' He told the man, feeling more genuinely grateful than he ever had. It would have been easy for him to honour his first promise with Bookman, that he would not interfere with anything to do with his apprentice.

'I'll be back later. I won't bring any of the nurses.'

Lavi nodded, letting Komui leave the room. He let his head fall back against the pillows, breath falling out of him before trying to pull in a long, calming breath. This could all so quickly be the end of it. Once this thing was gone then he would be free to carry on as though nothing would happen. He could continue to push the incident to the back of his mind, forget about what had been within his body. It would all fade away when he was Lavi no longer. Nothing would be committed to history.

**Break**

'Now just relax, it should be over in a minute or two.' Komui told him from between his legs. Lavi forced himself to take a breath, hating how vulnerable he felt in this position. It took all of his determination not to clamp his legs shut against the intrusion. It was clinical, he knew it; but it was alien, just like Tyki. He closed his eyes, trying to focus on something to make him relax.

His brain took him instantly to Yu. Usually he would shun such thought patterns, but right now he didn't care. He thought back to the first time that he had seen him, his second day in the Order. Bookman had spent the first day scouting the place out on his own, making sure that there was adequate provision for the both of them, leaving Lavi to get used to his new persona, to meditate away the remnants of Deak, the persona he had had before. But Bookman had been satisfied that they would be able to work and would be safe enough to do so; so had made the introductions to the Chief. Lenalee had been tasked with showing him around the Order and he had spent the morning testing out his smile on her, making her blush on several occasions. He had been between fifteen and sixteen when he had first walked through the Order doors and was starting to learn how to use his looks and charm to influence both the opposite and same sex. It had been his idea to charm her and gain her affection so that she would give him second hand some of the more classified information that passed over her brothers desk.

But then he had seen him. It had been the clash of metal on metal that had first gained his interest, and brought his attention to the training area. Yu had been there, sparring with three of the finders. Lenalee had noticed where he was looking and told him Yu's name, told him that he was about their age and was a very good exorcist who had been within the Order since he was a kid.

Lavi hadn't needed to be told of his prowess, had witnessed enough fighting and war to recognise the skill and fluidity of the other boys movements. At the time he had told himself that that was what he was admiring, that made his heart beat faster in his chest; but it wasn't. Yu looked both lethal and beautiful, attacking the Finders with a lithe body that still held the slight softness of youth, long black hair shining out behind him. But what had captured Lavi the most was the determined set of his jaw, the darkness of unusual sapphire blue eyes in a face so pretty it almost bordered on feminine.

Once he had finished dispatching his training partners Lenalee had called over and introduced Lavi to Yu, and all he had got was a disinterested dismissal. It was then that he had decided he was going to crack through that exterior; and for once, he couldn't kid himself that it was a game all in the interest of information.

Komui sighed, moved away from him, the machinery powering down. It brought him back into the present, the bright, artificial lights of the infirmary.

'I'll have to get Bookman. This isn't going to work Lavi... I'm sorry.'

His mind stopped. This wasn't going to work. It wasn't going to... fuck. Fuck.

'What's wrong?' He asked, unable to stop his voice from trembling.

'It's... unusual. It's as though there's something protecting the foetus.'

'Cut it out then.' He told him coldly, hands balling to fists at his side.

'Lavi...'

'No I don't care, get a knife and cut me open, get it out of me.' He was verging on hysterics and he knew it, but he couldn't stop himself. He was within touching distance of being free from this nightmare, there was no way he was going to let it slip between his fingers. 'I need you to get it out of me.'

'I can't...'

'Then I will.' Lavi moved before he even realised he was doing it, feet over the edge of the bed as he grabbed at the instruments laid out on the table. His fingers closed around the scalpel, the rest of the metal objects clattering to the ground. A moment later he ripped the gown from his shoulders, leaving it in tatters around his waist. He had to get it out. Komui's voice was distant in his ears and for the first time in he life he wasn't aware of what was happening around him. It felt like he was underwater. Pain stabbed in his gut as he arced his hand down, pushing the blade deep into the area he knew his womb rested. He had read enough of anatomy, had seen with intimate detail the insides of those fallen on the battlefield.

Weight was against him and he found his hands above his head, back on the bed, fingers painfully clamped around his wrists. He twisted and shouted, the smell of Tyki in his nose, the putrid heat of his breath on his neck.

'Lavi.

He had to get free. He couldn't breathe.

'Lavi.' The grip lessened, but the voice remained hard as he was pulled to sitting. The air felt cold in his suffocated lungs. But it cleared his eyes, his senses. He felt the cooling of blood on his skin, the tightness of tears on his cheeks. It was Komui that looked down at him, white coat darkened with bloodied smears.

'Lavi' Komui said, his name now soft on his tongue. There was compassion on his face, but resignation in his eye. 'It wont make a difference, this isn't something I've seen before. It's as though there's some kind of... force, for want of a better term. There's nothing I can do, I'm sorry. So please... stop.'

Lavi felt all the blood drain from him, leaving him weak. Komui did not need to say those words twice, leaning back, waiting tentatively for his response. He swallowed. It was over, this was it. He was going to have this child. He would have to give birth, give life, to Tyki's child. It would be made of them both, a permanent reminder of that he wanted to forget more than anything. He was going to lose everything that had ever mattered to him. The bloodstained scalpel dropped from his numb fingers.

Komui leaned in wordlessly, pressing a dressing over the wound, stopping the bleeding.

'You've done some serious damage, you're going to need stitches.'

'Get Bookman.' Fell weakly from his lips, barely a whisper.

'After I fix you up.'

'Just... go, please.'

'Lavi?'

'There's nothing else to be done. It's not like this is going to kill me.'

Komui nodded, standing. He picked up one of Lavi's hands, holding it over the dressing that was starting to dampen and darken with the heat of freshly shed blood. When he was satisfied he turned from his bedside, footsteps getting quieter over the distance as Lavi stared up at the ceiling, not even blinking. He had been in this bed before, there were one thousand and six tiles above him, twenty cracked and three missing spaces. His practiced eye didn't even have to look to see, superimposing the picture in his head over what was still there as Komui made the call. The only difference was that there was a cobweb in the right hand corner now, it had been there for a while and was empty, judging by the dust. Maybe he should tell one of the cleaners.

It took a few minutes but Bookman blustered through the door. Lavi could smell the fresh tobacco smoke, the tell that, Bookman had been working. No wonder he was not happy to have been disturbed.

'What is all of this about Komui, I thought Lavi's injuries were...' One look over at him and Lavi knew that Bookman realised that something was seriously wrong. He stopped in mid sentence, stilling. 'What is this?'

'I...uh...' Komui ran a hand over the back of his hair, stumbling over the words. Lavi found another cobweb in the bottom right corner, the husk of a spider skin stretched across the abandoned web.

'Lavi?' Bookman questioned as Komui failed to get his words out. Lavi looked instantly, unable to disobey the order from his master.

'I'm pregnant.' He told him simply, emotionlessly.

This seemed to kick-start Komui, who took a step closer. Lavi didn't take his eyes off Bookman, watching his face. There was barely a reaction, but Lavi had observed him enough to see the slight flicker in the corner of his eye. It was anger.

'I tried to do a termination, but it failed.'

'The termination failed?' Bookman pressed, not looking at him now, moving his eyes to Komui and keeping them there.

'Yes, there's... something protecting the child. And after the injuries that Lavi has already sustained without reaction... it is obvious that this is no normal pregnancy. For all appearances it will have to be carried to term. I am not sure what to expect when the father is a Noah.'

'Noah...' Bookman muttered, almost in surprise.

'I'm so sorry,' Lavi choked out in the Bookman tongue, one that was not known to anyone outside of the clan. Komui did not need to hear this, this was for his masters ears only.

Bookman walked over, sitting on the bed. He did not touch him, but there was no hostility in his posture.

'You need not be sorry Junior, you should only apologise for what you are the cause of.'

'But I cannot be a Bookman...' he sat up quickly, slipping out of bed, hissing in pain as he clutched the bloodied rag to his wound. Still he got on his knees and bowed, head to the floor. He owed Bookman his life, his future, and he had repaid him so shabbily. 'I have failed you, I have failed myself.'

'Raise your head Junior, this is something that we will have to discuss in private. But it has not all been lost yet. At this moment you are still my apprentice.'

Lavi raised his head as he was told, knew that his eye was wide in disbelief. Did Bookman really mean what he was saying? He could possibly keep his place at his side?

'Komui,' Bookman said, slipping out of their secret language. 'Get Lavi back to bed. I trust you'll make sure that he is comfortable.'

'I will Bookman. The wound should not take long to treat, is there anything else you need Lavi'

Lavi shook his head, standing up as Komui moved forward, taking hold of his upper arm, helping him rise. He got into the bed meekly, unable to process his masters assertion. Suddenly he was tired, more than tired, exhausted.

'We will discuss this later Lavi. For now get some rest. Komui, I would like to talk with you a moment in private.'

'Of course Bookman.'

The door closed behind them and as Lavi surrendered to his thoughts he wished he had asked for one thing; that Komui give him something to knock him out. The very idea of thinking made his exhausted soul ache.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: This is a complete work of fiction, in no way affiliated with D-Gray Man.

Warning: This will later contain Mpreg.

Chapter Eight

Something was seriously wrong, Kanda could tell that much. It was unusual for them to have been summoned here together, the Exorcists and the Science Division. He had been back in the Order for less then three hours after being posted out on his latest mission. Leaning against the wall he took in the congregation, trying to get some form of clue to at least let him guess as the cause of this meeting. He could find none, the rest seeming as perturbed and confused as he himself. Reever was the last to arrive, closing the door of Komui's office behind him. Komui stood there infront of his desk as the room silenced, turning awkward under the strength of their inquisitive gazes. He cleared his throat, fiddling with the papers on his desk. It made Kanda even more nervous. The man was good at covering up his internal disturbances, distracting most of them with his over the top affection for his sister and his ridiculous behaviour; but Kanda had always seen it only as a covering for the seriousness of the man who did his best to protect them all.

'Okay, well I suppose you're all wondering why I've got you all here... it's... it,' he faltered, shaking his head as though to clear his thoughts and gather the right words. Kanda let his eyes wander, to the rest in the room. Allen and Leenalee were stood side by side, their eyes wide with worry as they regarded the older man. The science division grouped together, silent and patient waiting for their chief to speak. The older exorcists placed about the room, in ones or two's, battle hardened and wary of what was going to be spoken. His eyes skimmed over Bookman and Lavi sat on the couch, it was dangerous to let his gaze linger there. After what had passed the last time they had met, all he could see was Lavi severely wounded, the blood that he had secretly given him. It looked like it had worked, despite looking pale and tired he had clearly recovered from his injuries.

Komui took a breath, his hands dropping to his sides. Kanda watched them ball into fists.

'There is a high possibility that we are under threat.' Komui told them, his voice gaining strength as his eyes became clearer, more focused. Kanda felt sick with apprehension, this was bad, he could sense it. 'It is likely that the Noah could target the order, those of you out in the field. We will need to be alert and prepared. Which is why I have asked the Science Team here, so we can work together to try and put any preventative measures we can in place.'

The news brought nothing but silence, heavy and suffocating as everyone let those words sink in.

'Why now?' Reever asked, one arm across his chest, the other rested on his chin, clearly thinking.

Kanda didn't miss the hesitation, the look that Komui threw in Bookman's direction. Bookman inclined his head slightly in an affirmative. He felt his stomach drop. No.

'You will all no doubt remember that four months ago Lavi was missing for four days. What some of you may have heard through gossip, or have not heard, was that he was taken by Tyki Mykk.' Komui swallowed, as though the words were sticking in his throat. Kanda didn't want to hear this, knew that whatever was to be revealed was bad. 'What we have come to realise since Lavi's recent hospitalization is that... is... that he is pregnant, with the child of the Noah.'

Kanda closed his eyes, felt faint and weak in a way that made him disgusted at himself. Was this why he had been so distant, was this why he had seen him so vulnerable in the library, why he was so distressed that he could not become Bookman?

'I don't understand...' Allen started, staring at Lavi with wide grey eyes. Kanda winced, it was such a leading statement, one which would make minds wander, made his slip back into the memories he tried to forget; of finding Lavi huddled against that wall like a wounded and scared animal. He gritted his teeth, shifting his stance. He didn't want the rest of those in the room to speculate that Lavi had betrayed his position as an Exorcist by voluntarily sleeping with the enemy. There had been nothing voluntary about what he had suffered.

Kanda saw another look pass between Komui and Bookman, their silent communication.

'There is no sensitive way to put this,' Komui said, looking decidedly awkward as he answered Allen, 'Lavi was taken prisoner and was raped. This pregnancy is the consequence.'

Lenalee looked like she was either going to be violently sick, or was going to burst into hysterics. Allen's eyes had drawn even wider and he had been struck mute by the utterance, all words dead on his tongue. The others looked amongst themselves sheepishly, trying not to stare at the boy sat on the couch next to his mentor, the one this news was about.

Kanda couldn't stop his eyes from being suicidally drawn there, needed to face this horror. The person he saw there was not the brash, loud-mouth he knew as Lavi, nor was it the easy-going, confident boy he had seen on occasion when they were alone. The red-head's back was straight, his shoulders back proudly as he sat stone still and unwavering at Bookman's side as the world fell down around him. The usually lively green eye held none of it's spark, was flat and neutral along with the look on his face, not a single twitch or crack of emotion. It made him uncomfortable. What he was looking at was the mirror of Bookman, the emotionless, detached recorder of history. He hated it.

He knew how the boy must be feeling on the inside, knew that this public revelation and the very truth itself was ripping apart his core. How could he just hold it all in like this? Did he so truly not feel? Had everything he had ever shared with him been a lie? What he was looking at was a stranger wearing Lavi's face. This was he truth of the Bookmen... and it was so very tragic.

'So the Noah are aware of this? Reever asked, a sensible, logical question when the rest of the room was still reeling with shock. Komui looked at the section head with relief.

'There is nothing to suggest that they are. However, we cannot just make that assumption. To minimise threat the decision has been made to keep Lavi out of the field. It will not be long before he is unable to hide his pregnancy.'

Allen's head snapped up, a sudden thought hitting him. Kanda was already there, knew what the idiot beansprout was going to say. It was heartbreaking.

'You were still fighting, you... you were being reckless, as if you were trying to get injured. You... knew?'

'I did,' Lavi answered flatly, completely blank. Kanda felt like a shadow settled across his soul. All the hours he had spent with Lavi away from prying eyes... he had thought he had seen something _real_. Was it all just a lie, every single second of it? Was it just another act of a Bookman in training?

'After the injury I tried to carry out a termination, the procedure failed, along with the drugs I prescribed at the time Lavi was first returned to the Order. There is some form of protection on the foetus, which means it looks like there is no choice but for the pregnancy to be carried to term.'

Kanda moved before he could stop himself, pushing from the wall, striding out of the office, letting the door slam behind him. This was...

Kanda bit his lip and balled his fists at this traitorous thought, but still tears swelled unbidden in his eyes making him quicken his steps. He needed to get to his room, needed to be somewhere where he could block out the rest of his order, regain his equilibrium. There was no way he could let himself break like this, he wouldn't. These were feelings that he shouldn't have let spread in the first place. All along he had tried to fool himself into believing that it was just sex, that he didn't crave the smell of the other boy, the sound of his even breathing as he slept next to him. Most of all he pretended he didn't grow warm and flustered when Lavi smiled at him, the _real_ one that pulled at the corners of his lips when they were alone together, that was soft and shy and so very fucking beautiful. And right at that moment the boy sat in Komui's office just down the hall, but it felt like there was a million miles between them. Within him grew the fusion of his and that disgusting Noah's life essences, tainting something that should be such a miracle of life and turning it into something so hideously vile.

Part of him wanted to hope that Lavi was wrong, that this child was the expression of one of their passionate nights together, but he knew that it was not the case. He had enough self control to withdraw before the point of his release. The Noah would not have done that, had violated him so thoroughly and so violently. There had been no self control, only brutality. It was unfair that Lavi was sharing such an intimate part of his complete self with that fucking Noah, with someone, anyone else that wasn't... Kanda dug his short nails into his palms to halt his thoughts.

Reaching his bedroom he wrenched open the door before slamming it shut, both hands flat to the surface, forehead pressed to the smooth wood. He bit his lip harder, felt his shoulders shake and his eyes sting with tears that threatened to push through his closed eyelids. And what hurt the most was that this was his fault, it had to be. The blood that he had given to Lavi to save his life was now protecting that _thing_ growing inside of him. He was the one who had saved its miserable existence when Lavi had resorted to the most desperate of measures. He...he felt blood in his mouth, biting his lip too hard as he continued to lose control.

He would not cry. He would not fucking cry.

The tears fought stubbornly through his lids, streaking down his cheeks as he grimaced in agony. He had never felt like this, like his heart was being ripped from his chest. It shouldn't feel like this. He was not attached, he did not have feeling for the apprentice Bookman.

He let the tears fall, a sob tearing from his lops. Why was he lying to himself? Not once in his life had he felt so deeply for anything or anyone. Every day he thought about the other teen, when out on missions and travelling from place to place his thoughts wandered constantly back to the Order; wondering what Lavi was doing, hoping that he was safe, that his smile and loud mouth would be there to greet him. The redhead was the biggest hole in his armour. He cared for the other Exorcists, as bothers and sisters in arms and always mourned their deaths with reverence. However, the thought of losing Lavi shot paralysing fear through his heart, shocked his brain into wordless numbness. It would ruin him, and that was a problem. Lavi would leave eventually, would not even exist once he and Bookman left the Order walls for the last time.

He was in love with nothing more than a fleeting shadow.

Tyki had turned that shadow into something tangible, into something that would transcend 'Lavi' and bleed into history itself. And he had facilitated that, with his own blood. He clenched his fist. Lavi would move on and forget him as a mere consequence of his current persona, Tyki would forever remain in his memory. He may have been able to forget the man who raped him, he would not be able to forget the father of his child, no matter how exemplary a Bookman he was.

There was a knock on his door, quiet and unassuming. He pulled himself upright in an instant, rubbing the back of his hand over his moist eyes, swiping quick fingers over the dampness on his cheeks. A second later he had gathered himself together and stood straight backed and poised. He twisted his face into his customary scowl and hoped that it would not be obvious that he had been crying.

He opened the door and he faltered. Lavi stood there, his face still the blank, dull mask it had been in that room. He resisted the urge to grab him by the shoulders and shake him into being something he recognised; yet another part wanted to shove him away in disgust and guilt. Kanda just stood there, staring at his lover, trying to keep all of his raging emotions from his face. He couldn't let him know how much it hurt, not...

Suddenly the mask dropped, Lavi's face softening. His eye turned gentle and unsure, and sorrow pulled so terribly at his features. He wasn't Lavi, he wasn't Bookman Junior; this was one of those rare glances at something else. Kanda felt his bottom lip tremble as he inhaled shakily. _It wasn't all a lie._ Lavi reached out slowly, a gentle hand to to the side of his face, but keeping his body at a distance. The eye that stared into his was filled with anguish and regret.

'I'm sorry.'

With that and nothing else Lavi turned and left. Kanda shut the door, knees buckling beneath him as he fell to the floor, head down, hands clawing the wood. No tears came, but it hurt so much he couldn't breath. How would he ever be able to stand up again?


	9. Please read- note from the author

Just a quick note to say that I will not be able to update for a few weeks as I have just had a baby 4 days ago (guess where the idea to write an mpreg came from!) However I do intend to update when I'm used to the new arrival.

Thanks

-haggard


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