Doctor Who 1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is a sequel to "A New Way to Keep Company" and "It's a Gift." This story takes place after episode "The Satan Pit." I place it as taking place a few weeks after the events of "A New Way to Keep Company."**

An impossible planet. An impossible enemy to defeat and an impossible escape to make. It was all in a day's work for Rose and the Doctor. The stuff of legend as he had just called them and they truly were if their daily life was any indication. However, what had been happening inside of Rose all day was not normal and whatever it was was now coming to a head.

"I promised you I'd bring this spacesuit back intact," he chattered on as he fiddled with a button on the console. "And I always bring a good spacesuit back in proper condition. Welllll...I say always but there was this one time on Apollo 13. Though in my defense-"

The Doctor continued his story, talking quickly and excitedly but Rose didn't know what he was saying anymore. Something was happening inside of her head and right now that was all she could focus on. She didn't know what it was. Something had felt wrong, felt off, inside of her all day but it was now reaching an alarming level. She clenched her eyes shut in pain, hung her head and grabbed the console in front of her for stability.

They had just visited a sanctuary base on Krop-Tor, the so called "impossible planet," suspended in orbit around a black hole. Even for the two of them it had been an eventful day. They had nearly lost the TARDIS forever, been attacked by the Ood and a monster who called himself Satan, and the Doctor had almost been lost down in the pit of the planet. Rose would have understood if she was tired, maybe even feeling a little spent after the day's events. Even though she kept up well with the Doctor most of the time there was still a point after the adrenaline wore off where she had to call it quits for the day.

But what she was experiencing now was not that. This wasn't just a headache as a result of stress from everything that had happened today. The problem was with her mind, not her head. Ever since the night she and the Doctor had touched each other's minds she was more aware of her own mind. She was now conscious of its power and strength and just its presence in general. Now that she had a moment to stop and focus she realized that this was where her problem rested. Her concern grew as she realized just how much it was aching. While she was now aware of her mind it had never hurt like this. It was pulsing and sounds around her were fading and the colors were distorting. She was starting to panic at the feeling it might explode.

She felt the Doctor's hand on her arm. "Rose, what's wrong?"

His voice sounded distant though she knew he was right beside her. She was getting dizzier by the minute. "It's my head," she said putting a hand to her forehead.

"What's wrong with it?" he asked running his hand comfortingly up and down her arm. Her skin tingled and seemed to spark under the touch and the aching in her mind intensified. Her mind felt like it was bursting with energy. It felt like it was straining to release it but it was bound by some invisible restraint.

"I don't know!" she cried desperately. "It's my mind, something's wrong with it."

"Your mind?"

"Yeah," she said gripping the console in front of her tighter with both hands. "It feels like it's gonna explode! There is so much energy. It's pulsing and throbbing. It's aching so."

Though she couldn't see it, a look of realization was dawning on his face. "When did this start?" he asked already piecing it all together.

Rose took several deep breaths, trying to think clearly, to formulate a thought. "It started, well I guess...now that I think about it, it started back when we thought we were stranded, though it wasn't that bad at first. I felt strange all day, like something inside of me was trying to reach out and my emotions were stronger than usual. I don't know. Does that sound daft? But it got much worse when you were down in the pit. But it wasn't until we got back to the TARDIS that it became unbearable."

"Does it get worse when I talk or I touch you?"

"Yes...how did you know that?"

"Rose" he said quietly, putting his hands on her shoulders and guiding her over to the jump seat. "I know what's going on," he said helping her sit down.

"What is it? What's wrong with me?" she asked fear clear in her voice. She struggled to open her eyes and look at him but the look she saw on his face did not comfort her. He looked pained, guilty, sorrowful.

"Nothing's wrong. You're going to be fine."

"I don't feel like I'm going to be fine."

"I'm so sorry. This is all my fault."

"What is?"

"I didn't know that this would happen. I would have warned you. I just didn't think it would happen since you're human. That's why I never explained it."

"What is it?" she cried desperately needing an answer. Her mind still felt out of control and the way he was looking at her really scared her.

"It's your mind; it's trying to reach out."

"Reach out? Reach out for what?"

"For me."

Rose was surprised. This is not where she thought the conversation was going to go. She was terrified that something bad was happening to her. Now that she was starting to get a hint at what this meant she was becoming less frightened and more excited.

The Doctor noticed her surprised expression and continued on. "Your mind is trying to reach out and touch mine."

Rose had a shot of pleasure run through her at the mention of her mind touching the Doctor's. They had touched minds before but that had been different. She'd had to focus and reach out. But this was something that was happening on its own.

"I don't understand. Why is it doing it on its own?"

"It's our bond," he said and he looked apologetic about it.

"Our bond?" she asked. She didn't know why he looked apologetic when he said it. She felt warm inside when she said it. It sounded good to say. _Our_ bond. He'd not called it that before. Memories flooded back into her mind of the night that they had touched minds for the first time. It was something he greatly needed and something she hadn't even known they could have. It had felt so good to reach out and touch his mind and feel his against hers. She remembered how close she had felt to him that night and how incredibly special it'd been to be with him in that way.

That had been a few weeks ago but neither one had spoken of it yet. She had desired to try it again as soon as they could but she had forced herself to be patient. She knew what a big step it was for the Doctor to admit his need for telepathic touch and to ask her for it. She was certain he didn't regret letting her in or sharing so much with her but it had been a great leap of faith for him to share so much. She knew he might need some time to allow her to be close with him like that again and so she was giving him that time. He couldn't be rushed into things like this. As much as she wanted to be close in their minds again she knew you often had to take your time with the Doctor. That of course didn't stop her from being bursting with anticipation for the day when they would do just that.

Even after that first and only time, things between them were different. Outsiders wouldn't be able to put their finger on just what it was but she and the Doctor knew. They loved each other and now they both knew it. The changes on the outside were subtle, so subtle in fact some might not even be able to tell if they were a couple or not. Only the two of them could feel the real changes. Those changes were deep and on the inside. Only they could feel the invisible but strong thread that bound them together. Not much had changed between them in the traditional human sense but she knew that something had certainly changed in a deeper mental sense.

She could tell that the time together inside of each other's minds had changed her. She had always been good at reading the Doctor but she now could sense his emotions much stronger than she ever had. She couldn't hear his thoughts but she could definitely sense more than she ever had been able to before. Surely, those things would only grow stronger the more times they shared their minds.

She was glad they were talking about it now and hopeful this meant they could try it again. But for all her excitement over this new development in their relationship, he didn't look excited at all. He looked remorseful. Did he regret it all? "What does that mean?" she asked in concern.

He let out a breath and stood up. He walked a few steps away and ran both his hands through his hair. "I should have known this would happen," he said almost to himself. She squinted to look at him as he walked away, her mind still raging.

"You should have known what would happen?" she asked.

"We're bonded now," he said gravely. She waited but his explanation ended here.

"Come over here," she motioned for him to come back and sit beside of her on the jump seat. The physical distance was making it difficult for her hear and speak with him. It also made her notice a definite emotional distance between them which she did not care for at all.

He shook his head and looked down. "It'll only make it worse."

"Actually, what's making it worse is not getting a straight answer from you. Get over here. Please," she added the last word with more softness than the others. She could sense a full blown self-loathing sulk session coming on him and she was eager to nip it in the bud. Especially, now when she needed to know what was going on. She knew he didn't like to talk about things like this but she deserved to at least know what was going on.

He sat down beside her and she took one of his hands in hers. Her mind seemed to press against some invisible barrier at the touch but she tried to ignore it and focus solely on the Doctor. "Alright," she managed to say calmly. "We're bonded now. What does that mean?"

He took a deep breath and tried to think of where to start. "When we touched minds before, I wasn't entirely honest about that process means for Time Lords. I wasn't trying to dishonest or misleading," he was quick to add. "I just didn't think to tell you because I didn't think it would apply to you."

"Go on," she encouraged to show she wasn't mad like he seemed to sense she would be.

"Well, when Time Lords would sit down to touch minds, really make a connection, like we did, we were always very careful to choose who we did that with. It wasn't just because it's so personal. It was because when we sat down and really connected with a person, sharing memories and emotions, and really delving down deep into that person, you would bond yourself to that person. You could touch a person's mind casually and not have that happen; we did it all the time. But what you and I did would be enough to bind people together."

"What does it mean to be bonded?"

"It means..." he said trailing off, like it was difficult for him to say." It means you will always need that other person."

"You mean, you need to connect telepathically with them?"

"Yes. You not only want to touch minds and be close in that way but you _have_ to. Your mind aches for it. But it's just...so much more than that. You are more in tune to that person. You're more aware of them and what they're feeling. You're emotionally more connected to them."

"So, that's what I'm feeling right now? My mind needs telepathic touch?"

"Yes," he said and she did not like the look of shame that was on his face. "Your mind is trying to touch mine. Everything that's been happening to you today is a result of the bond. The aching isn't usually this bad. Stress can make it stronger. That's why you first felt it when we thought we were stranded. You were upset, at first, so your mind was seeking comfort. But almost losing me was what surely made it come to this undeniable level. You thought you had lost me and then your mind needed to know I was alright, so it became more persistent."

It was a lot to process but she wasn't entirely surprised. It made everything that had happened in the past few weeks make sense and she was just about to say as much when he interrupted.

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?" she asked.

"It's...something you can never get away from. It cannot be broken as long as both parties are still living. Even being physically distant, you can't get away from needing that person."

Rose couldn't help but feel a twinge of pain and it had nothing to do with her mind. Why would he be talking about getting away from it? "You don't want it?" she asked though she almost said it as a statement. He was clearly not happy with this particular turn of events.

He looked uncomfortable and tugged at his ear before he spoke. They had learned so much about each other the first time that they had bonded. But they'd still yet to say anything about what had happened, out loud with actual words. It was still difficult for him to voice his feelings to her. Maybe he wouldn't have even said anything expect he could see how upset she was. "Of course, I want it," he said quietly he said taking her hands, "I just...I just should have considered it more thoroughly and warned you that this could happen. I just thought since you were not born with a need for telepathic touch that connecting would not create a need for it in you. It was something you didn't need and now you do."

"Didn't you think I would want it?" she asked in a small voice glancing away. She found she was a little nervous talking about it too. It hurt a little to think that he didn't realize what that night had meant to her.

"I'd hoped you'd want it but I didn't think you'd _need _it. Not like a physical need for it. Humans don't need to connect telepathically with each other. They're not really even made for it. That's why your mind feels like its bound and bursting with energy. It's trying to reach across the distance and touch like Time Lords could but you needs the physical touch. "

"Hold on," she asked looking at him again, realization dawning on her. "You knew all of this already, about yourself. You knew it would was going to be that way for you? You knew that if you did that with me you would need me that way?"

It took a few moments but he finally looked at her with a look of determination in his eyes and answered. "Yes," he said looking down, his tone holding something in it that stirred her heart. The Doctor knew that if he was close to her the way they had been that night that he would need her even more. He knew he would physically ache for her, that he would be more connected to her and need her more than ever, even if she didn't need him. And still he had done it. She found herself awed by his commitment to her that she had not even known he was making.

So overwhelmed she was at this new knowledge that she had a hard time coming up with something to say. He pressed on in the silence. "It wasn't fair of me to put you in that situation without letting you know it could be a possibility. Wanting something and having to have it are two very different things."

"You are acting like this is a problem," she said still reeling from the revelation and what it meant of his feelings for her.

"Isn't it?" he asked self-consciously.

"Not to me it isn't."

The Doctor looked around for a minute, confused, and then looked back at her. "You're not mad?"

"Mad? Why would I be mad?"

"Welllll..." he started uncomfortably, "I kind of signed you up for a lifetime commitment to me. The bonding, it's a good thing, undeniably so. There is a lot to be gained from it."

"Yes, I've seen that," she said with a tongue in teeth smile.

It worked. He smiled back before becoming serious again. "But it does require something of you. It tethers you to actually need that person. You'll never stop needing them," he said with some gravity.

She knew he was expecting this news to hit her hard. But the truth was that she had already tethered herself to the Doctor a long time ago. She had needed him for a long time now and she had chosen to stay with him forever. She had already decided that she would spend the rest of her existence with him. If this new connection meant that she could be closer to him and have to touch minds with him more often...well she just couldn't see anything wrong with that. This would only be a different way she needed him than before.

"Why do you think my answer would have been different if I had known what I was getting myself into ahead of time?" she asked and it was her way of saying that it would not have been. "You have got to get it out of your mind that you-" but she stopped because she almost said 'that you love me more than I love you' but they still hadn't uttered those words even though they knew they were true. So, she rephrased it. "-that the scales are uneven between us."

"But-"

She took his face in both of her hands and pulled him closer. "I want this. With you," she said simply and clearly so he would be listening. "It's alright for you to want it too. You don't have to feel guilty for wanting this or for being glad we have this."

For a moment she could see that he was touched at her words. He did want this and he wanted to take her permission to be happy about it. But he thought it was selfish and he shouldn't be glad. He was at war on the inside. After a while, he opened his mouth to continue talking but she stopped him.

"That's enough talking. Do something about my head already," she said and then stopped. "Sorry. Was that was rude?"

But he smiled back at her. "Been spending too much time with this rude not ginger, I think."

She closed her eyes and bit her lip in anticipation as he reached for her head. He took his hands and swept his fingertips very lightly along her hairline, across her forehead and down the sides till he was cupping her face. Her head tingled all the way along where he had touched. She waited but he didn't move any more.

"Well don't stop now," she said with a hint of joking in her voice but mostly she was serious.

She heard a chuckle on his part and she opened her eyes and looked at him. "Are you teasing me?" she asked.

"What? Do you mind?"

She was slightly taken back by this comment. Was the Doctor flirting with her? The fact that she was even asking herself that question was amazing. It also meant he was starting to be more comfortable.

"Of course not," she said coyly. "That is as long as you plan on doing a little more than that."

"I thought you might like to reach out first this time. Since I did the last time."

"I don't know what to do," she said nervously.

"Yes you do. You're brilliant at this," he said with confidence. He turned crossing his legs and facing her on the seat.

Rose tucked her legs under herself and scooted closer to him on the seat. She reached out her hands towards the Doctor's head. Her hands were shaking slightly betraying her nervousness so she pulled them back and she held them together in embarrassment.

"It's alright Rose," the Doctor encouraged. He took both her hands in his. "We've done this before."

"I know," she said quietly. She wasn't sure why she was nervous. This was something she'd wanted to do ever since the first time they'd done it. She'd longed to feel his mind against hers, to hear his voice from inside her head. Her mind was nearly driving her mad from wanting it now. But now that they were getting ready to do it she felt an annoying rush of nerves.

She supposed this was how the Doctor felt last time. She remembered how nervous and jumpy he had been. She had been the one to have to try and reassure him that it was alright for him to need that and for him to reach out to her for it. Now he was doing the same for her.

Suddenly, she was overcome by everything she had felt today, from being separated from him, from almost losing him. "Today when you were gone...I was so lonely for you," she said honestly. "I just...I just..." she said stuttering, it all becoming overwhelming to her. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," he admitted quietly.

"Do you feel what I'm feeling?" she asked. Maybe these feelings were one sided, maybe it wasn't normal to feel this so much. He hadn't said his mind was aching for hers.

But his words eased her fears. "Terribly so," he answered quietly and so honestly she wasn't used to it.

"You didn't say," she said breathlessly.

"I guess I...just have more practice at feeling it."

She understood now what it must have been like for him. The loneliness of the mind was a deep thing and utterly personal, something that was hard to address but needed to be so much. She'd only been feeling it briefly but already she wanted to end it. How long had he felt this way before he'd finally told her what was wrong? She couldn't imagine feeling the way she felt now and not being able to be close with him in this way.

He reached out and placed a hand on her cheek and looked into her eyes. "How did you stand it?" she asked.

"Stand what?"

"The loneliness. Is this what it was like for you...before we bonded?"

He paused remembering. "It wasn't as bad as this, what you're feeling right now. After you bond with someone you need to bond with them, specifically. The pain becomes specific, more intense, more frequent. But it did still hurt for me not to have it at all," he said struggling with his words as he did when he spoke about himself. "It was lonely."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" she asked. It broke her heart to think about how long he had been carrying around the kind of loneliness and pain she was feeling right now. He hadn't said anything today about needing this because he had needed it for so long he'd gotten used to ignoring it.

He tugged on his ear nervously with one hand and glanced away. "Wellll...It's just so personal...," he stopped, at a loss for words. "You understand."

"Yeah," she said with a smile. "I do." And she did. He hadn't known how to ask. And now because of her he didn't have to. She knew what they both needed and she was about to take care of it.


	2. Chapter 2

The Doctor felt it. He had felt it for weeks now to varying degrees but never more than right now as he waited to feel Rose reach out to him again.

It had been such a long time since the Doctor had felt that distinct longing for someone else's mind. Sure, he had felt that general longing to bond with someone else, the loneliness that came from never having telepathic connection, ever since he had lost his people. It was this loneliness he had spoken of the night he'd finally told Rose he wanted to touch minds with her.

But this was a new kind of longing. This one had only come after he'd connected with Rose. It was different than the previous one and so much better. It wasn't just a general longing to touch another's mind; this was the desire for a specific mind. This was the desire for the particular feel and aspects of one mind only. Only hers would do. This longing meant it could be satisfied. It meant he belonged to her and she belonged to him.

It had started the moment he'd pulled his mind away from hers that first time. He had smiled because he knew what it was right away. He could tell that everything had changed. It had been a long time but he remembered that gentle stirring and he knew what it meant. That stirring that had started out as a reminder, had grown in intensity over the weeks, until today when, for him too, it had been nearly impossible to ignore.

He had been expecting it to happen to him. A large part of the reason he had hesitated so long to tell her about that particular loneliness was because he knew it would make him yearn for her in a new and lasting way. The bonding made you need that person in whatever capacity your relationship was. Even if they could have pretended they were only friends and not acknowledged their relationship as a romantic one he still would have needed her telepathically. He knew how deeply he would be attaching himself to her and that was a very dangerous thing to do with a human, someone whose life was very temporary and fragile.

At first, he thought he could get by without it. His people were gone so he had convinced himself that he just had to get by without it. But it was like physical touch was to humans; you could survive without but it would come at a cost. He'd thought he was doing a good job of pushing that need away, of quieting it, and getting along without it. But that day when Reinette had been able to get inside his mind had brought it all to the surface. He had been unable to ignore that the need for telepathic touch was there and great in him. He'd just been taking a quick look; nothing out of the normal. But then she saw inside of him. He wanted that so bad but not with a stranger. His mind had been so open and reaching for that and he hadn't even realized. But Rose had known something was happening to him. She'd made him face it even though he'd been terrified to admit what he wanted from her.

Now that he had finally gone to her and told her of this new way he wanted to be with her he wondered how he ever could have held himself back from it. Even after the first time their minds touched he felt the changes strongly. He wouldn't have thought it possible but things between them got even better. Though they'd had yet to connect mentally again there was a lasting emotional connection between them. He could now feel her emotions more strongly than he ever had and it was unbelievably wonderful. When she was happy he could feel that. When she was excited he could feel that too. Sometimes, he felt so close to her he could nearly hear what she was thinking. It made every day and every adventure all the more better to feel it along with her.

He'd expected this too but expecting it had not prepared him for how good it felt when it happened again. Sometimes, he nearly had to pinch himself to know it was real. It had been so long since he'd experienced it to feel it now was almost like the first time. He wanted to laugh when he would feel that gentle stirring kick up in him; a reminder of what he now had with Rose. The loneliness he'd felt for so long was gone now and all of this combined made these past couple of weeks some of the happiest he'd known.

He hadn't waited so long to connect with her again because he hadn't wanted to. The very opposite was true. Sometimes, when she touched him or she would say something his mind would nearly leap out at hers. But he had waited to bring it up again. He knew it was a lot for someone to take in. Touching minds was something that had been commonplace for his people but it was not for hers. They had covered so much that first time, he didn't want to overwhelm her by asking for a repeat experience right away, especially when he had assumed she would not need it like he did.

It felt selfish to want this but he loved feeling that she needed him, that she had a need for him like his people had desired for each other. He really hadn't known that bonding with her would bound her to him. He knew that bonding with her would bound him to her but that had been a risk he was willing to take. But she was human and humans did not have a need for telepathic connection with those they knew. Even after they had bonded and he saw how much of a natural she was at it he still hadn't assumed that she would need it.

But now that he knew she did he loved the feeling of it. Nothing could compare to the anticipation he felt as he waited for the touch of her mind stroking his again. For a Time Lord it had been hard to accept that no one would ever need him like this again. This was such a key part of who they were, of the relationships they'd had, it had been very difficult in the beginning to understand how he could even have relationships without it. But he could have this, now, with Rose. They could fall in love like Time Lords did.

Rose left her hands in the Doctor's lacing her fingers with his. To make the connection she leaned forward and placed her forehead against his. This was a strong point and she knew that she would have no trouble making the connection at this spot. Though considering how much she wanted this she really wondered why she doubted her ability to connect with him at all. The first time she hadn't even known what she was doing at all. She hadn't known how to reach out her mind to his or what to do with it when she did but her mind had and it had led the way.

She felt as her mind surged a little too quickly out into his. It crashed against his with uncomfortable force. She had meant for it to be slow and gentle but it was rushing out of control, moving without direction. She tried to slow it down, to make it soft, but it didn't work. She felt him startle at the touch and she tried to pull back and was upset to find that her mind wouldn't obey.

She felt she they had put it off for too long for her to be able to control it. Weeks of separation and all the distress of the day made her mind hungry for his. She wondered now how she could have missed it for so long. How had she not recognized the longing for this until today? She now felt like she had never known need before in her life; this was more consuming than anything else she'd known. It was like nothing else mattered except this and she was baffled at how she had not known what was happening to her.

"I'm sorry," she said upset clear in her voice. She hadn't wanted to mess this up.

"It's alright," he said gently, feeling the waves of anxiety and frustration coming off of her.

"But I hurt you."

"I'm fine. And you're fine. Just focus. What does your mind need?"

"I don't know. I don't know!" she cried. She felt in herself that she was starting to lose it. The more she realized it the more upset she got. She tried again to pull her mind back but found that she couldn't. Desperation and panic at a level she had never known was building within in and she didn't know how to control it. She felt like she was going crazy. "I can't control it!"

"Just calm down," he said taking her hands and placing them on his chest and pulling her in closer to him. "I'm right here," he whispered, so close she could feel the words against her face. "Focus on that."

His hands on hers and his breath on her skin seemed to draw her in. Like an anchor they pulled her mind into a small bit of focus. He was right. She needed to focus on that. She knew that was the problem. Her mind was desperate to know he was alright. It was rushing for that reason. Before she could focus on the mental aspect she made her mind focus on the physical aspect, hoping that would calm her mind enough to bring it under some control.

She concentrated on his face against hers, her hands in his, the warmth of his body so close to hers. All proved that he was really there with her. It was helping. She needed more. She reached her hands up to his jacket and undid the buttons so she could reach in and put her hands on his hearts. He wrapped his arms around her pulling her close to his body as she did so. She focused on the beating of his hearts under her hands, slightly faster than normal but undeniably his. As they pumped blood through his very alive body they seemed to wash her anxiety away as well.

"I thought I'd lost you," she whispered against his face like it was a secret.

"I know. I thought I was lost."

"They wanted me leave you," she said and the words that a minute ago were hard to say were coming easily now. The connection made them open and honest and was leading them into that safe place where they were less and less fearful to share their emotions. "They said you were gone...I was afraid they were right."

"I'm right here Rose. Right here," he reassured. It was a moment before he added, "And you're here too," his voice betraying how much he also needed to know she was alive and well too.

A few more minutes, how many of them she couldn't say, passed of her soaking up his presence. Her mind now felt calmer, still aching and needing to touch his, but not out of her control.

"Sorry about that," she said as she pulled back slightly.

"You have nothing to apologize for. Are you feeling better?"

She took a deep breath. "Yes. I feel calmer. More in control." She focused back on her mind and was able to ease her mind gently back as she pulled her head away from his.

"Good. You are in control here," he continued. "You control your mind and where it goes; it does not control you," he assured her.

She listened to his words. It didn't feel that way right now but she tried to make it true. The first time they had touched minds she had realized just how powerful her mind was. She'd never been so aware of it. She was honestly still adapting to this new part of her and the new needs that it had. Maybe it was stronger than she realized. Maybe it was too strong to be controlled.

Insecurity started to plague her. In the beginning, the Doctor had wondered if she would be able to handle the mental bonding. He had heard some humans couldn't; maybe now she was proving she couldn't either. Maybe she couldn't handle it and her success the first time was a fluke.

She felt suddenly inadequate. The first time they had done this had been such a special time. She wanted so badly for this work. The Doctor needed her now but maybe she couldn't take care of him. Maybe he sensed she wasn't very good at this and that was why he was disappointed they were bound together.

The Doctor sensed this all from her. "Rose...no that isn't it at all," he said adamantly.

"I'm not very good at this."

"You're brilliant at this."

"No, I'm not. I'm human and not good enough at this for you."

"I don't want you to talk like this. You are the only one who will do."

"Yeah now. Now that you're stuck with me."

"Rose," he said and she felt as he took her hands in his. "I chose you; I didn't want anyone else. I knew very well what I was getting myself into before I ever brought this subject up with you. I may not have thought through enough the impact this would have on you beforehand but I spent a lot of time considering the impact it would have on me," he said giving her hands a squeeze. "And I made the right decision," he added with confidence.

"But-" she started.

"No," he said taking a finger and putting it to her lips. She felt as he moved it up to her forehead and just barely touched it. With it he allowed her to feel just how much he had wanted this experience with her. He let her know how long he had wanted it with her. He hadn't wanted it with just anyone. He'd wanted it with her because he'd wanted to be close with her. The turmoil he had felt that night when she'd come to him he'd felt because he'd wanted it with her but thought he couldn't have it. This process was all about knowing someone fully and having them know you and that was what he wanted.

She paused and took a deep breath, calming herself. She was surprised at how long he'd wanted this with her. It was so long and she'd never even known. It wasn't just some passing fancy or something he'd rushed into. He'd considered it all before he had finally decided to pursue it. Even though she couldn't have known she felt pained knowing he'd waited so long. It banished the insecurities that she had and made her now hurry to give him this now and not make him wait anymore. She took the Doctor's hands in her own and touched her forehead gently to his again. Rather than rushing in she stopped and then let herself fall into the Doctor.

She entered gently this time and he was there to catch her. As soon as her mind touched his she felt some satisfaction. The pulsing and aching started to fade and be replaced with pleasure. The loneliness she'd felt all day was being banished by knowing he was there. She sighed and felt his against her face as he simultaneously did the same.

_There you go _he reassured her gently.

She smiled at the sound of his voice back in her head once again. _Better?_ she asked coyly.

_You tell me _he replied with equal sass

_Much better _

Rose reacquainted herself with the inside of his mind. She began to stroke his still mind and she felt as the tension came off and his mind relaxed. His mind was eager, more than ready to come back and reciprocate but she felt him hold back and allow her to move first. Unlike the last time, his mind was not parched and barren. It was not long neglected. She smiled to know that it was her touch that made this place look very different than the last time she saw it. She could feel that this time he wasn't as worried or nervous as the first time and he wasn't overwhelmed.

She let go of his hands and moved hers up to his forehead and stroked the sides with her fingers next to the places where their heads touched. She could feel him drawing her in deeper when she did. He was practically bursting with energy and barely kept from begging her for more. He was not so long neglected but he had still needed this. Though he had been better about hiding his feelings over the day's events she could sense that he was feeling much of the same as she was. She should not have stayed silent so long on this matter. His eagerness led her to believe that he would have happily agreed to this a lot sooner if she had asked.

It was strange. This was all still so new and so foreign to her. She was a human; gliding through another's mind was not a normal thing for a human to do. Even to consider it would be extraordinary. Even she, who knew it was a possibility, was only experiencing it for the second time. And yet it was so right it felt familiar. He was right; she knew exactly what to do. Their minds came together so effortlessly, she didn't have to try hard or force anything. Though she had only just realized this new need of hers it was like she had needed this all her life.

All day it had felt like everything in the world was wrong. But now that their minds were together again all was right again. Their minds were meant to be together like this and it was hard to remember how they could have ever been otherwise. She could understand what he meant when he said this need could be a burden. She had never needed him so deeply or been as lonely for him as she was today. But if that was what it took to be able to feel how _right_ being with him like this felt, then she would gladly take the burden of it.

She finished her brief greeting and stalled now, needing his mind to come at hers with assurances.

_What do you need Rose? _he asked when he felt her stop, ready to do what she needed. _It's alright to ask for it now. _

She didn't use words. Instead, she tugged his mind with hers beckoning him to come at her. That was all he needed to feel before his mind came at hers. Light flooded her mind at his touch. It was his light, burnt orange, filling her head and circling around her mind. Warmth filled her along with it, chasing away all the cold feelings that had been there. With his mind now moving upon hers was the full awareness of him, of his presence and that brought reassurance that he was alright. His light was vibrant, moving, alive. He wasn't hurt or lost or worst like she had feared today.

Before she could even have the request as a thought in her mind he was there doing exactly what she would have had him do. He moved his hands to her temples and gently massaged them with his fingers and ran his mind gently over hers, stroking back and forth. She felt the energy of it but it was not nearly as hard for him to control; with the practice of being with her he was tuning himself perfectly to the right touch for her. He might not have as much of a learning curve as she did but they were both learning from each other. He held her head in his hands a little firmer as she felt his mind stop its motion and wrap around hers, firm, holding her reassuringly. The touch was banishing the fear and pain of loneliness she'd felt away from him.

_Oh, I needed this _she breathed and he loved the way she said it, the emotions he heard in it and knew it was because of him.

He did like it that she needed this, that she needed this form reassurance. He loved the way her light glowed even brighter under his touch. Normally, he would feel guilt. It seemed he felt guilt for everything that he ever did. And he really should feel guilt for laying such a heavy thing upon her. But under her touch he started to feel his hearts changing slightly, making him feel like it might be alright to want this for himself. He had thought he would never have someone who would need him like this again. It was good to be needed and there was no better or more special way to be needed than this.

She did not hold it against him, he knew, with certainty now that he could feel it in her. Even if he had told her this need could come from touching minds, her answer to proceed with it would have been the same. She always was so good to him. She harbored no bitterness against him and wasn't angry that he had awakened something inside of her that she now had to look after. She didn't see it as a burden or responsibility because she was already committed to him. Instead, it was an added gift to what they already had. He saw it as one and he was glad she saw it that way too.

As he touched her mind he could feel that she had needed this sooner, probably even before today. He could feel the strain on her mind; it was slightly parched as his rushed over it. She probably had been wanting for it for a while now and just hadn't known what was happening to her. He should have been paying much better attention to her. He should have been able to feel this sooner. It had just been so long he'd gotten out of practice. He would have to take much better care of her from now on.

He continued to stroke her mind giving her an even longer greeting in return. She deserved it. He pushed deeper and deeper into her consciousness, trying to make up for having made her wait so long. He had thought it was nothing to make himself wait all that time for it but he wouldn't have done so if he'd known she was waiting too. He felt her head lean even harder against his and her mind encourage him to keep going as he lost himself in her. As he buried himself deeper it wasn't hard for him to find the hurts of day upon her.

_May I see? _he asked.

She smiled at the ease of communication between them now. The bond made them honest and brought them right down to who they were. It felt so much easier and safer to talk inside of their minds. Things they wouldn't say out loud they would share in this way and she looked forward to whatever they were going to share this time.


	3. Chapter 3

Rose had been so afraid today and now that she was safe and sound inside of the Doctor's mind she let herself feel that. She used to think she had to conceal her fear around the Doctor. She never had been one to get scared that often even considering all they saw. But when she did get afraid she hadn't wanted the Doctor to see. She hadn't wanted him to have to worry about her or doubt she was able to handle the challenges they faced.

But she knew him so much better now. She knew she didn't have to hide those things from him. Not that she would have been able to hide it now. The bonding opened them up to be looked inside. It required the sharing of the good and bad alike. Even now he sensed it was there.

Rose recalled the events of the day to the front of her mind. Now that he was here, not just physically with her but mentally as well, she could acknowledge those feelings without them seeming as overbearing. Now that they were connected she yearned to share them with him. She felt so close to him when they were like this and it made her want to share more. She could feel those emotions now and he would reassure her.

She allowed him to see that the idea of being stranded had scared her. She didn't mind letting him see it now, from the inside. She knew that in here, it couldn't be misunderstood. If she had let on earlier that she was worried about their future and didn't want to be stuck on the sanctuary base, then he might have (and probably would have) assumed that she was angry at him. He blamed himself for the situation they were in so if she showed she was unhappy about it he would take the blame. _I've trapped you here _was the first thing he'd said after they found out. But she didn't blame him. And now from inside she would know he would see that she had fully understood that it was a just a terrible thing that had happened and no one was to blame.

It was just a consequence of the dangerous life they lived. They always got out just in the nick of time, always narrowly escaping the danger. It would only make sense that eventually they wouldn't be able to outrun it. She just had never devoted any length of time to worry about it. She'd never really thought about what it would be like to find herself in that situation.

She had tried to tell herself that it could be worse. There were innumerable situations they could have found themselves in that would have been far worse than the one they found themselves in now. And they were both alive and well. But, she wondered, would they remain that way? What would happen to them, when this present danger passed? Would they remain strong when the days turned into weeks and still found themselves in the same location? Wondering how their relationship would weather this new future was what scared her most about their uncertain future.

At first none of it had seemed real. As her and the Doctor were left alone with their bad news she had tried to pretend the idea of staying there permanently didn't bother her but the truth was that she was terrified by it. After a previous comment that he didn't need to worry about her, she changed her mind and told him it would be alright if he did. He hugged her. She never wanted that to change. She wanted a reassurance that it never could.

And that was when she had felt it for the first time. It was like her mind was moving. She had been aware of her mind ever since he had taught her the strength of it. But that was the first time she felt it reaching out for his, the first time it was trying to do something on its own. She only now knew it had been trying to reach out and touch his.

As he had held her she got a strong impulse to reach up and touch his head to connect with him. She was troubled at the time and somehow she knew he could give her comfort. Of course, it hadn't been the right time to do so and she had been able to stop herself at the last moment. As the action of the day had distracted her she had been able to push it out of the forefront of her mind, even though it had still been there the entire time.

But it seemed everything within her was trying to rebel against the notion of staying calm. As the Doctor had gotten ready to go down into the pit with Ida she wanted to protest. She wanted to ask him not to go, to send someone else, and stay there with her. She was alarmed by the thought. She had no idea where such a possessive thought had come from. She was not used to having such thoughts. She was not clingy and she had thought herself better able to cope than this. She did not tell the Doctor what to do (not that anyone ever could). But she sure had wanted to as he got ready to go down into the unknown.

As scary as the idea of being stranded on the sanctuary base was it was nothing in comparison to what she felt at the idea of losing him. The loss of the TARDIS had brought cold hard reality to stare at her in the face. She admitted that with the life her and the Doctor lived they didn't see it very often. But they'd seen it today and it made her worry that she might lose the Doctor.

She needed him, now more than ever. The intensity with which she felt she needed him actually frightened her. Rose was not used to needing people. It had been a long time since she had let herself depend on someone. She remembered what it was like and how that dependence got abused. Since then she had determined to be self-sufficient. She took care of herself. Before she had met the Doctor she'd had to. No one else was going to.

But then she met Doctor and now she needed him. Of course, she had known that before today. But what she had felt today had felt different than the feelings she was used to having for him. She needed him in a new way, a way that she had never needed anyone else before. She could have blamed it on hormones but she knew it wasn't that. She wondered if it was linked to their recent declaration of their feelings for each other. But even though that had changed everything, it also didn't change everything.

Now that he had explained the bonding, it made sense. They were bound together. There had been a strong emotional connection between them ever since they touched minds. She had felt the changes, now she could feel what he was feeling more strongly now but for some reason it had not occurred to her that emotionally they would be stronger for each other.

The Doctor was surprised and she could feel he was in seeing this. _It frightened you? _

Rose was embarrassed to have him see how possessive she had felt. It made her feel weak and needy. She hadn't wanted him to know how scared she had been for him and his safety or how much she was frightened by the need she had for him.

He was surprised but Rose could feel that it was a pleased kind of surprise. She would have assumed that someone would be offended or hurt to feel that their partner had initially been afraid of their attachment to them. But as he looked at what she felt, as he could see the attachment she'd felt for him and her fear about it he was pleasantly surprised.

_A little, yeah_

_Why? _he asked with curiosity.

_I dunno…it surprised me a little. I didn't understand it. I thought I was just being emotional, getting overly attached. _

_And that was a bad thing? _

She hesitated for a moment. _It can be _and when she said he felt a touch of ice that he was unaccustomed to feeling from her.

_But you don't feel that way anymore_ he said and it wasn't a question. He could feel that she no longer feared the connection she had to him, though it was now, undoubtedly stronger than ever.

_No _she said with certainty

_Why not? _

_Because of this _she said and he knew she was talking him, about their bond, about being together like this. She stroked their linked connection._ I can feel it like this._

This is what made it all different. She could feel without a doubt that she was safe with him. She knew he needed her and wanted her. When she was with him like this she wondered how she could ever doubt it. What she had with the Doctor was so different than anything she'd ever experienced. She didn't have to be afraid of the trust she put in him because he was worthy of it. Her need for him wasn't one sided or disproportionate. He needed her as much as she needed him. It was strong. It wouldn't be easily broken. She had been afraid that if they had had to stay stranded that _they _would not survive. But she could see now that wasn't true.

Sure, she could still lose him to things out of their control. That was something they couldn't do anything about and would always be something she feared. But she did not need to fear that she would ever lose him to anything less than death.

He felt the trust she placed in him. He felt how deep and complete it was. He worked to send her every feeling of safety and protection he had in himself. He wanted to reassure her that he would do everything in him to be worthy of it.

_I used to be afraid of it too _he said and she realized that this was why he was pleased. He was relieved that he wasn't the only one who had feared their relationship.

_I know _she said remembering_ but you aren't anymore. _

_No. And that's because of you. Everybody needs someone. There is nothing you can do to change that. It's a fact. And you helped me to face that. The first time we did this...it's because you made me face it. You made a safe place for me. _

She felt something from him pressing against her, wanting to get out. She stilled her mind and opened it to allow it in but it did not come. She pressed back to summon it and found that there was a barrier. He was holding something back, placing it behind a wall.

_What is it Doctor? _she asked.

She felt hesitation in him and also surprise on his part that it was there. Whatever it was he did not even realize he had been holding it from her. He wasn't trying to hold things back from her it was just instinct. _I didn't mean to. _

She felt realization on his part as he explored it and discovered what it was. A sense of fear, fear of his own, came drifting over.

_It's alright_ she reassured _What are you afraid of? _

_So much _he said in a way that made it seem that he was ashamed of it.

She still felt an apprehension to relinquish it over._ You can let it go __she said._

_I'm not...I'm not used to letting it show _he confessed and she could feel how difficult it was for him. He didn't know how to let go of it.

_It's o.k. _she said_. _This was the part that he had trouble with; opening his hearts enough to let her see. Opening them up and letting the feelings out where they both could feel them. He knew he needed to do it and it wasn't that he was opposed to it. He just held tightly onto his feelings and he wasn't sure how to let go of them.

She sensed that he couldn't do it on his own and she could help with that. She reached out and pulled gently on it, not to force it open but to help him let it ease open. She placed a sense of safety upon him as she did so, to let him know it was alright to be this open with her. She pulled on it, coaxing it out, beckoning it. How strange it was, that it was normal for her to see a feeling as if it were an object and reach out to it. But it was natural, so natural in fact that she wondered how she had ever missed such things in the past.

She tugged gently on the feeling that he held back a few times before the wall broke open and let it out. Feelings of sadness and loss and fear came flooding at her. He may have a difficult time letting his feeling show but he did not at all have a problem making feelings. He didn't keep from showing powerful emotions because he didn't have any; he hid them away because he was full of them. Just as she had been full of telepathic needs and abilities that just needed his guidance to let out, so he also was full of emotions that he needed her help letting out.

She let his fear come at her and waited for the memories that would explain them. She had known he was afraid of being stranded there but now he let her see it. She felt him call it out from inside of him to give to her. There were so many things that frightened him about being stranded. The strongest of these reasons was that it meant he had lost TARDIS.

_"But I need my ship. It's all I've got. Literally the only thing" _he had cried earlier that day in desperation. They both heard his words now as he remembered.

_Sorry. I'm sorry...I didn't mean_... he started to say to her now and she was surprised by the open emotion she felt in the words. He was always so guarded it was unusual to hear him so open. He was afraid he had upset her by saying that. He realized now it sounded bad to say that the TARDIS was all he had. It wasn't true at all; he had her and that was certainly not nothing.

But she hushed him. _It's alright. I understand. _And she did and she sent that understanding his way. He was not known to be good with words but that was alright. She could see his hearts now and feel what he really felt.

For so long the TARDIS _had_ been all he had. She felt that he knew with certainty that was no longer the case but old habits were hard to break. Rose had known he had a special connection with the TARDIS but even she had underestimated how deep that connection went. They'd been together for hundreds of years. Until a few weeks ago, she had been the only form of telepathic touch the Doctor had since losing his people in the war. Rose could see the extent to which the TARDIS had taken care of the Doctor and how he had taken care of her. When he got so involved in fixing the ship, when he talked to her and stroked her (a fact that had made Rose giggle at times) it was an outward sign of the love he felt for the TARDIS. As the TARDIS took care of him, he also took care of her.

Rose felt a surge of thanksgiving in her to towards the TARDIS. She had never known what a personal connection the Doctor had with her. She'd never known all that she had done for him and how she had taken care of him over the years. Rose took back anything she ever might had said against the ship and resolved to be kinder to her.

_"Your machine is lost" _Zach had told the Doctor. He'd said it so simply but the Doctor was dying inside. It wasn't just a machine. She couldn't just be replaced. Couldn't they understand that? Rose felt the panic he'd felt at this words, the almost unbearable anxiety and the desperate need to have someone understand the gravity of this loss. Rose reached out and stroked his arm as the Doctor remembered all of this. As afraid as she had been at the thought of being stranded it was nothing in comparison to what she now knew he had been feeling. All day she had known how much she needed comfort but he had needed it even more than she had thought.

Grief rushed into her from him as he relived that moment, true grief at the thought of losing the TARDIS. The TARDIS was all he had of his home planet, his last connection to the planet and people he had come from. She could feel how much he had been grieving inside at the thought of losing her. This was not about a traveler losing the machine he traveled in. It went much deeper than that. The two of them had been through so much together and to lose her was to lose his last family member. Without her he would have nothing of the place he'd come from.

The crew had walked away, their decision swift and final. And in that moment he realized that he had lost the TARDIS. It was his job to take care of her and he had failed her. He'd let her get consumed by this terrible planet where she'd surely and slowly die. She hadn't felt right; she'd been trying to tell them something was wrong when she hadn't wanted to land here. He should have listened to her. And now, with all his power, there was still nothing he could do for her.

Rose stroked his mind to comfort him. _It's alright _she soothed_. She's safe, she's right here. _She was glad it was true. His grief was so great over the idea of losing her that Rose wasn't sure what he would have done if it had been true. There would have been no words to say which would have fixed it.

But it wasn't just the grief over losing this close friend. The feelings shifted and got more complex. Even as she strove to reassure him of the TARDIS's safety a new fear replace it.

Who would he be without the TARDIS? He knew he wouldn't be the Doctor anymore. The TARDIS made it possible for him to travel and to be the Doctor. Without her he wouldn't be able to travel. If that piece of him was carved out there would be nothing left. He'd felt so helpless. He didn't know what he was without that ship. How quickly he had gone from having all of time and space at his feet to having nothing. He wasn't used to feeling lost but in the aftermath of them telling him that his ship was gone he had felt very lost and helpless. Rose was not accustomed to feeling such vulnerable feelings coming from him. All the power and freedom he'd had was gone. He didn't know what he would be without the traveling. What would possibly happen to him all cooped up on this base? He hadn't even stayed on his own planet when it was still around; how could he ever make a home on a human planet?

He had lost the TARDIS, his identity, his way of life. And now in losing the TARDIS he was also sure he would lose Rose too. She was confused when she felt this from him. Why did he think that losing the TARDIS would make him lose her too? All she knew was if they were grounded in one place, miles and centuries away from home, their true home taken from them, she would need him more than ever. In fact, her dependence and attachment to him was one of the biggest things that she had been sure of today.

But feelings of failure had plagued him. He had let Rose down. He'd gotten her stranded years and miles from home. She could never get home and they couldn't even travel where they wanted to. He was terrified of the idea at a domestic life on the slow path. He didn't want that. He felt guilty for how much he didn't want it. But he didn't and knew he could never be happy with such a life. He was plagued with ideas that he would surely let her down.

He didn't know what he would be like if that was his life. He was afraid of what he would become in the face of the normalcy and boredom. What would happen to him when he had to stop running? He had felt an initial wave of panic at the very thought of having to live on the sanctuary base. He quickly pushed it down. It simply would not do to have them stay here. His mind needed stimulation. Lots of it. He would actually go crazy without it. He was afraid of what he would do to himself, to others, and especially to Rose if he were stranded for an extended amount of time here. He would never survive such a life.

His mind worked so quickly that all of this had come to him min the short distance between the time Zach had delivered his crushing verdict and the time he had held Rose in comfort. She had known then that he was upset but now getting a look at his inner turmoil she had been surprised he had been able to keep it together so well. On the outside he had been worried about her and how she was doing. But on the inside he felt like he was losing everything.

She could feel the guilt that he felt at having these emotions. He had so many fears and he felt weak because of them. Now they had all come out where Rose could see them and that embarrassed him. She yearned to reassure him. _It's alright to let me see those things. _

He felt encouragement in her words and touch and a thought of his came through then that she was sure he had not meant for her to know. When their bond was brand new they had to be intentional with their thoughts. But now that they were growing more and more open with each other things were flowing through on their own. Her encouragement had opened him up further and this thought slipped through. She felt his embarrassment spike as he realized this thought was out of his reach. _Will Rose still care for me? _That had been what he'd been thinking. Would Rose, he had wondered, still feel the same about him when he was stripped of all that? Would he be enough as just the man when all the legend was gone? What could he possibly offer her when he could no longer take her to the exciting places she longed for? He felt severely inadequate at being able to provide her with what she would need if he didn't have the universe at his disposal.

And this, out of all the fears that had wrapped up together to make him afraid to be stranded, this was the one he feared the most; that he would lose Rose. Surely she would leave him. Even now, though the other fears were in the past, he feared this one. He couldn't help but wonder if he was enough.

Her mind quivered to reassure him when it felt his insecurities. She massaged his temples deepening her touch on his mind before she spoke. _Doctor..._you_ are the adventure _she said to him. She smiled when she felt his insecurities recede quite a bit back at her words. He could feel the sincerity that she used when she said the words but a question still formed on his mind. She continued.

_It's not the traveling to see aliens and other times that makes me stay. It's life and what it's like when I'm with you. You make it better. Whatever we would be doing, TARDIS or not, it's a better life with you. I meant what I said earlier; stuck with you, that's not so bad. Whether it means, physically stuck with you or mentally stuck with you. _

He wondered could it be true? Could she really mean that? He had worried first that day that he had trapped her with him physically to find out later that he had really had trapped her mentally and emotionally forever. A much deeper attachment.

_Being stuck with you, in fact...is the very thing I wanted _she added, no longer afraid to admit it.

What was left of his fears, the fear of losing her, the fear that he wasn't enough, the fear that she didn't want to be telepathically bound to him, all scattered and were gone now. She felt as they left and he rested himself now in the sure desire that she wanted to be with him. It was several minutes before he spoke though she could feel he had been searching for the right words to say the entire time. Even after that it seemed like he could find none. _Rose Tyler...what am I going to do with you? _

_Keep me around forever _she said with a smile._ Which apparently, according to you, you no longer have a choice about. _She said it with humor so he would know she meant that in the best way possible. She meant to lighten the emotions which she felt he was becoming too overwhelmed to take.

She could feel it work because his answer was lighter. _Quite right too, _he replied. She sensed he wanted to say more; she could feel that the intention to do so was there but he was lost at finding the means to do so.

_So, what were you up to today while I was gone? _he asked with a smile, feeling lighter inside and moving on.

It was such a simple question but they always got to use extraordinary answers. And now their means of answering was incredible as well. _I suppose there was a rather large portion I didn't get to share with you isn't there?_

_Yes, there is. And I have a feeling, Ms. Tyler, that it was more eventful than you let on_

_Hmmm…that might be true. Would you like to see? _she asked mischievously

The memories of everything that had happened to her today while they were parted itched in her brain. They wanted to get out; they wanted to be given to him. It was a new and strange sensation. It was like she couldn't hold onto to these memories alone even if she had wanted to.

She didn't even wait for an answer from him before she handed the memories over.


	4. Chapter 4

Rose shared her day with the Doctor and he smiled as the events unfolded in front of him. What a privilege it was to be able to see the things that he had missed; what a gift it was that these memories could be his too. Pride swelled up in him as he began to see all that she had done today.

She was fearless. He watched as she had stood up to Mr. Jefferson when he had pulled out a gun and wanted to kill Toby. She had stood in between them and told him that he'd have to kill her as well. His hearts both cried out in fear for her safety and pride in her bravery to see the act. She defended Toby even though what had happened to him had been quite frightening. She saw someone who needed protecting and she stepped up to do just that. She was so brave. She was so good. He felt it bursting inside of him to know that she was his, that someone like her chose to stand by his side.

She was hopeful. She was so determined. All the others had felt like giving up but not Rose. She had taken charge. She had given them all hope and direction. She hadn't given in to the fear and hopelessness. Sure, he could see that she'd enough of those feelings of her own but she had risen above it and done what had needed to be done. While everyone had played a part in their safe escape from the Ood, he knew it never would have been possible if she hadn't gotten them all motivated to think and move quickly. She was so brilliant to find a way to get them all to work as a team so quickly.

He allowed his pride and pleasure to be obvious to her. She blushed a little when she felt it. Those feelings built a person up and she could feel them make her strong. She was glad to feel that the Doctor was pleased with the way she had handled things. She had wanted to do what he would have done in the situation and she could feel that she had. He liked to see the confidence and independence in her actions and she was relieved; pulling on those emotions to drive her had been hard when fear had been nagging at the back of her mind.

Even though the Doctor knew she was safe now he couldn't help but cringe as he watched her run from the Ood. At the sight of her memories, fear filled him as if he had actually been there to witness the danger. He hadn't known she had been in so much danger. _I'm so glad you're safe _he murmured as he stroked her mind for reassurance that it was true. He ran his mind slowly over hers, as slowly as he could manage to savor every second of it. Her warm light glowed bright and strong under his touch, proving that she was there, safe and sound.

She held dear his touch that had reached out to her and she clung back to him. He felt as her light and presence embraced him back. For a moment he was consumed by the pleasure of her wrapping him up in her. Her essence radiated around him. He felt as she cherished him with it, caressing his mind and demonstrating her feelings for him. She was in the same action both giving him every assurance that he needed and seeking her own reassurance that he was also safe. He let his light burn back in repose showing her that he was there too, vivid and alive. She was so glad of it.

She hadn't given up on him either. He could see now that this was the foundation for her actions. He was what had had been driving her steps. The whole time she hadn't even thinking of saving herself. It had been his safety that she was concerned about. She was focused on getting the Ood neutralized in order to get back and save him. She wouldn't allow herself to think that they might not get back in time. The fear and hopelessness had been there; she feared they would not be able to get him back. But she had pushed them away because she could not bear to accept that; if she had then she too would have given up.

When they finally got back in touch with Ida her heart had leapt to the heights at the idea of being able to talk to the Doctor again. But then it had plunged to the lowest of depths when Ida told her that the Doctor was gone. She felt something inside of her snap. The moving in her mind which she had pushed to the back of her mind all day now became impossible to ignore. Ida told her that the Doctor had said her name before he fell. She ached inside to know what he would have said and her mind leapt at the thought of what it could have been. The fear now came gnawing inside of her like a hungry beast set free, consuming the hope she'd had until just a moment earlier.

She had hoped that maybe she could sense him in some way. She tried to see if she could feel his presence. She'd felt him so strongly in the weeks since their minds had touched. It had been such a comfort to feel him so clearly and she was desperate to feel that now. But she wasn't able to. Everyone thought he had been lost and she couldn't feel if they were right or not.

Rose had felt so powerless when they said there was nothing they could do to get the Doctor out. All it would take was more cable and they didn't have enough. It made her feel useless to think such a small thing could keep her from him. She knew he was down there. She wouldn't believe that he was dead like they said. She strained to feel him, pushing till she nearly blacked out from the effort. If she could only touch his presence and prove that the he was alive and well then they would have to do something; they couldn't just leave him down there to suffocate. But she couldn't even do that.

_Don't be angry with yourself. You did so much today...I am amazed _he consoled. It was hard to feel the struggles, the pain, and fear she had been through today. But hardest of all was feeling that she felt it was not enough, that she felt she had let him down in some way.

_Yeah, but it wasn't enough _she said ruefully_._ As she relived that moment the emotions came back to her vividly. She couldn't help but feel the despair and frustration that she had felt at that moment, knowing there was nothing she could to do to help him.

_There is nothing that you could have done. They were telling the truth; there wasn't enough cable and they had no other way of reaching us down there _

_But I just...I wanted you to know I was there. I wanted to know you were there._

_Our minds can't touch across the distance _he assured her. _I'm glad you tried but we have to have physical touch_

_But that's because of me, isn't it? _she asked voicing a suspicion that had been growing in her mind ever since he had explained to her that the aching in her head was her mind trying to reach his. _My mind, it was trying to reach out and touch yours but it can't. That's because I'm human _she said with certainty that she was right. _If I wasn't, I could touch you without physical touch. You can touch me across the distance. _She felt him hesitate to answer and she knew that she was right.

He hesitated to answer but he knew she had every right to know. He had only kept the knowledge from her because he hadn't wanted her to feel badly about her abilities. Even though he could feel that she was feeling exactly what he had been hoping to avoid he still needed to tell her.

_That isn't your fault. Yes, Time Lords could reach across the distance. They could touch and communicate without physical touch. I could touch your mind without physical touch. Your mind was trying to do that, earlier today, but it couldn't. Human minds weren't designed to do that and I'm sorry. That's why your mind aches so badly. _

She paused and he could tell that she was getting upset. _You're not the one who needs to be sorry, _she said _I am_

_You do not _he said and she could feel him pull her to him as he wrapped his arms around her in an embrace. _That physical need for touch, that's what makes you human. And that's a _good _thing _he emphasized as he squeezed her in his arms. She gladly hugged him back response. _I love the things that make you human. I don't want you to lose them. The fact that we have to have the physical touch to have the mental touch, adds a special aspect to this. I like that we have to have both._

She hugged him tighter and nuzzled her head against his at these words. He used that four lettered word that he never used and he meant it. He actually did love that about her. In her mind she had felt that her differences in this were a disadvantage, that she should be exactly like him in this experience. But she was starting to think she should rethink her previous opinions.

_Could you sense me? When you were down there could you feel that I was there? s_he asked hoping that he could have at least felt her when he was down in the pit, that he could have drawn reassurance from that.

_No. Normally, I wouldn't have even tried because reaching out to you when you couldn't reach back wouldn't be fair. But I did try, considering. But it was too far. Even for Time Lords there was a limit to how physically distant the two could be from each other. I should have known ten miles was too far but that didn't stop me _

He still held onto her and she held back to him tightly in the silent minutes that followed. _It doesn't matter though...I feel it now_ he said to her and she could feel the passion in his quiet voice. She felt as he reached up a hand and ran in through her hair. The touch elicited more memories to come out of her.

He then saw something that he did not expect; Rose had not gotten on the shuttle voluntarily.

When the others had told her they were leaving the planet and leaving the Doctor and Ida behind it didn't even take Rose much of a thought to know what she was going to do. The only thing she could do, the last thing she could do for the Doctor. If there really was no way to save him then she could at least stay here and make sure that he would not have to die alone.

_"I'm gonna wait for the Doctor. Just like he'd wait for me" _he heard her say.

"_I'm sorry, but he's dead" Zach tried to reason with her._

_"You don't know him. 'Cause he's not. I'm telling you, he's not,"_ _her voice breaking with tears. "And even if he was, how could I leave him all on his own, all the way down there? No, I'm going to stay."_

The Doctor watched as she tried to fight them off but they won in the end. They had to drug her and take her by force or she would have stayed on the doomed planet. Just for him.

Rose felt silence from the Doctor now. She knew what he'd just seen and she was puzzled by his lack of words and also the lack of feelings coming from him. What was he thinking? She worried maybe he felt she had overreacted. Maybe he was not pleased that she had every intention of staying there on a doomed planet to stay with him.

But that wasn't it; the Doctor was overwhelmed. He had sensed her loyalty to him the first time they had bonded. He had seen that she would stand by his side until the end. There had been no denying it was true. But today that had actually been put to the test and she truly meant it. He knew that she loved him but he was now seeing how truly unwavering it was.

Rose sensed the change in his emotions but he had still not said something so she finally asked _What's wrong? _

_Nothing, _he said dismissively.

_Doctor_ she pleaded.

_I mean it. Nothing is wrong. Everything is…right. You were going to…stay, for me _he said awe in his voice.

Now it was his turn to be overcome. There was now a burst of feelings coming from him. If her mind had spun out of control earlier, his hearts now did the same. He felt her feelings and it nearly consumed him. He felt her despair at the thought of losing him, he felt her love for him and the loyalty that compelled her to stay on that planet even if he were dead. He never thought anyone could ever care for him like that and to feel for himself that someone truly did was overwhelming.

_Just hold on to me _she said quietly sensing his growing upset. She ran her hands up and down his back in comfort as he held on to her tighter. His emotions were such a swirl and combination that even she had a hard time distinguishing what they were. She practically felt them clinging to her hands as she ran them up and down his back. She sensed he was searching for something to say but he couldn't call his mind into enough order to do so.

She knew he was overwhelmed with feeling her emotions so she strove to push them back. She had felt so much in that moment she thought she had lost him and she knew it was a lot to take in. She tried to push them away, to dull them, to move past the memory she had just shared with him. But when she did she felt him stir up the memory, stimulating the emotions that were attached to it. _Don't hide it away _he asked urgently so she stopped trying to repress it.

He pushed hard on the memory and it came rushing back to the forefront of her mind. She felt him immerse himself in it and it flared back to life inside of her. The pain and sorrow she'd felt when she thought she'd lost him came back to her exactly as they had been in that moment. The grief at being separated and the crushing loneliness she already felt from missing him settled into her again. The future seemed meaningless and devoid without him there to share it with her, like nothing could ever be right again if he were gone. Steadfast loyalty and true love kept her rooted in place, unable to step into a future like that. A small sob left her lips before she could hold them shut. She had been unprepared to feel it all so strongly again but it surged in her as he stirred it up within.

_I don't understand what's happening _she finally cried. The emotions were overwhelming. At first, they had been for him. That's why she'd tried to put them away. But now he was urging them on, making them stronger placing himself in the midst of them even though she could still tell he was just on the brink of being undone by them.

_Are you alright? _she asked when he still hadn't answered.

_It's...it just was never like this...before _

_What wasn't like this? _

_The bonding...I've never had it like this_

A moment of doubt entered her mind. Had she done something wrong? It didn't feel that way but his words and his continued loss of control now made her wonder. _What did I do wrong?_ she asked.

_Nothing, nothing_ he said quickly even though his other words had been a struggle.

_Then what is it?_ she asked. There was so much feedback coming off of him she just couldn't make sense of it. Try as hard as she might she could not distinguish what state he was in at the current moment.

_The emotions...they are SO strong _

_I'm sorry they're so strong. I tried to tone them down. If you don't stir them up I can calm them down _she said confused by his actions.

_No...no Rose. I _want_ to feel them _he said with ardor. _Your emotions are so human. _

_And that's good? _she asked.

_Oh, yes _he said still rousing them inside of her. But in a minute he stalled. _I'm sorry...I didn't even ask. Is this alright? _he asked.

_Yeah,_ she agreed as she reached up putting her hands on his shoulders to steady herself. _It's good to me if it's good to you_

_Oh it's good. Very good_

She loved to hear him so open and unreserved. He never talked like this to her outside of the times they had joined minds. And yet when he spoke like this it was hard to remember how tight lipped he could be with her._ What makes them so good? _she asked, taking advantage of having him so open, wanting more of his unreserved self.

_They feel so alive. Human emotions are so pure. They're raw and diverse and so powerful._

_Yours weren't that powerful? With your people, with the bonding it wasn't like that? _

_My people were quite detached at times. Even in the bonding, when the feelings were powerful they were never this much. You make this process so much more. To feel all these things that you feel...to know you feel them for me…there is nothing in the universe like it_

Rose momentarily touched by his words. She knew how much it meant for him, the man with all the universe and time at his disposal, to say that. It was good to feel that she brought something of value to the experience. She had worried that bonding with a human would not be as good of an experience as he would have been used to. He had given her something so special by teaching her about being together telepathically and she was so glad she could give him something back in return. It felt great to feel that her humanity actually made it different in a good way.

But she didn't just want him to feel these emotions. They were powerful no doubt but she had better ones to offer him._ Feel this _she whispered.

Rose pressed past those moments of loss, running, pushing until she got all the way past the powerfully sad memories until she reached some powerfully happy ones. She found herself back in the shuttle when she realized they were being pulled from the black hole. She heard the Doctor's voice asking for her. She let him fully feel what it felt like to her when he spoke to her, what she felt inside when she heard him say her name. She let him feel her excitement and relief and disbelief at hearing his voice in that moment, after having thought she'd lost him.

She let him see how she had nearly jumped out of her seat to answer that she was there. She nearly bounced with the anticipation and eagerness she felt to be with him, knowing at that point she could be again. Happiness flooded her. It was the kind of happiness he could never understand, the kind that humans got that made them want to cry. She let him feel that she had almost done just that from such joy. Exhilaration that they had beaten the odds once again and relief unmeasured came at her again as she fully remembered the memory for both of them. She laughed now, just as she done then. He laughed too and she felt his light glow in warmth, happy at this memory.

They both instinctively hugged again now as they remembered the hug they shared when they had been reunited. The happiness they had felt then and the happiness they felt now, mingled together. They both allowed themselves to feel this for a long time, reliving their reunion, in no hurry to push past all the things they had been feeling in that particular moment of time.

_Why my people ever wanted to suppress their emotions…I'll never understand _he finally said. _To exchange having this for gaining mastery over their minds…it wasn't the right choice. _

_Yours are pretty strong _she said, referring to his emotions which he felt paled in comparison to hers. She felt his joy at being back in her arms and the relief of having her safe. They were just tastes of what he was feeling. And now that she had shared her day with him she wanted to know what had happened to him all that time he had been down in the pit. She needed his memory just has she had needed to share hers with him.

_Well, I always was a rebel _he said with a smile_. I never did quite follow the rules. But now…it's you. You awaken things in me that I did not know I had inside. I would have never gotten to have this if it weren't for you. _

She reached out and put a hand to his face._ We wouldn't have been able to have this without each other. _

_I want to feel like that._

_Well, let's see them then? _she prompted with a smile tugging at him gently. She felt as he now handed over his memories to her.


	5. Chapter 5

The Doctor opened his mind and let his memories of the day out, showing them to Rose. She was amazed at being able to so clearly see things she had never set eyes on but that now became a part of her memories as if she had. She was amazed that they were able to so closely share even the things that happened to them separately. She was able to see the massive and beautiful cavern that the Doctor and Ida had seen when they got down into the pit. He was glad to be able to really share it with her in a way just telling her about wouldn't have been possible.

She felt his fear as he had lost touch with her, knowing something was happening on the surface with the Ood, knowing that everything was not fine as everyone had claimed that it was. He didn't like not knowing what was going on. It made him feel that helpless and powerless feeling again which he hated. In desperation he had started to head back to the lift, to get back to Rose. The day had been a stressful one and he really just wanted to be near her. He had gone down into the pit just as something to do, to be useful, but he really needed her. He didn't like being away from her especially now that she could be in danger. He needed to know that she was safe. His mind urged him to go back to her, nagging him that the distance between them was too far for such a distressing time.

She saw as the planet had shook and the trapdoor had opened, distracting him from his walk back. He and Ida had been ordered back to the surface but Ida wanted to stay and find out what was down in the pit. But to Rose's surprise the Doctor had resisted his own curiosity and need to find out what was going on. There were more important things now than his curiosity. He had been on his way to get back to Rose and that was what was still on his mind. He needed to get back to her; he needed her, to be with her.

Rose enjoyed feeling how much he had wanted to be with her, how much he had needed to be with her. Even with all there was to see and discover around him he had still wanted to be with her most of all.

At first he was certain he would get back to her. When the cable had broken, taking away their only way back up to the surface he'd pushed away the fear and despair that wanted to take dominance over his mind. Ida had just accepted their fate but he believed he would get back to the surface. _"I'll get back. Rose is up there" _he had said_._That was the only defense, the only argument that he needed to explain himself. He of course wouldn't have expected anyone else to fully understand that he _would_ get back. He had to. He and Rose could not be separated. They had to be together and he wasn't going to let anything keep them apart.

When Ida had suggested that maybe the only way to find a way back to the surface was to get to the bottom of what was happening on this planet by exploring what was down in the pit he had leapt at it. He had been glad to go down into the pit, eager to do anything that would speed up the process of their escape.

He was still reliving the day, still playing the events back in his head but he stopped. He had just started to remember when the rope had stopped and he had decided to go down into the pit unassisted. He stopped because he felt distinct waves of anger coming off of Rose. There were bits of shock and disbelief and hurt in there as well. It all hit up against him roughly; anger was a hard emotion in itself no matter who or what it was directed at but it was even harder when it was directed at you, as this anger was now directed at him.

He and Rose had shared good feelings toward each other up until this point but he had known better than to expect that it would always be that way. With the bonding there were going to be times when you had to share hard emotions. Arguments and hurt feelings were bound to happen and with the bonding those feelings couldn't be hidden. It was hard to feel because you could feel the exact way you may have hurt the other person and their anger towards you for it. But it was for the best. The bond could not further itself with anger in the way so it always had to be dealt with.

Seeing the Doctor in the position he had been in, she feared for him. Even knowing now that he was safe, her stomach twisted in fear when she saw him start to unstrap himself. She felt herself crying out inside not to do it, begging him to stop. She thought she would crack inside when she saw him fall down into the pit, nothing but darkness surrounding him. How could he make her watch that? How could he take such a risk like that?

He should have expected her reaction to be anger but hadn't. Humans and female humans at that, he never could understand them. He knew Rose better than he had ever known one before but there were still so many mysteries about her for him to discover. But he knew this had nothing to do with the emotions of a woman. It had everything to do with him being thick. Of course, she would be upset. It was foolish for him to think otherwise.

_You're angry _he said when she didn't voice her own feelings on the matter.

_Of course I'm angry. _

He waited for her to say more but he could feel she was hesitating, trying not to say something she would regret.

_Talk to me about it, Rose. _

He opened his eyes and pulled back only slightly to look at her. A second later she opened hers and he saw that there were tears in them. "Rose..." he said reaching out and touching her face.

"Why are you always doing things like this?" she said averting her eyes and trying to sound angry but not succeeding at it. "Stupid, reckless behavior..." she trailed off shaking her head. He could feel hurt stirring up in her.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why. I let my curiosity get the best of me."

"Listen," she said turning back to face him. "I love your curiosity. I wouldn't want you to get rid of that. I know you're always in danger. This isn't some safe quiet life we live and I wouldn't want it to be, for either of us. It's not the danger that you're in that bothers me...it's the danger that you put yourself in that bothers me."

She was right of course. His behavior had been needlessly reckless. Even now he wondered why he had done it.

"I wasn't going to do it. Ida wanted to stay and go down. And I wanted to too. But I said it was best to retreat. We _were_ coming back. But then the cable snapped and we lost the comms and..."

"And so you just thought you would hurl yourself down into a pit that was most likely miles deep, housing some terrible creature?" she asked exasperated. He could feel a brush of anger from her hit up against him against but it was heavily tinted with sadness. "Do you know what it was like for me when Ida told me that you were gone? To not know whether you were dead or not? It would be one thing if it were an accident but it wasn't. You did that."

He did know what it was like for her. He had felt it exactly for himself. She was right; that pain was pain he had caused. Guilt filled him and he knew she felt it too because her anger faded slightly when she felt it. A small bit of compassion towards him filled her when she felt it.

When she spoke again she sounded more sad than angry. "I thought it would be different now that you and I are..." she said trailing off." But you just did it and you weren't even thinking about me."

"You were all I was thinking about!" he cried out and she was taken back. Finally, it was making sense to him. He now knew why he had done it.

Rose was quiet. "Wh-what?"

"Look closer, because you didn't see it all," he said reaching for her hand and pulling it back to his head.

Her attention was drawn back to the moment he decided to fall down into the pit without the safety of the rope. She held reached her other hand to his head as she pressed on the memory harder so she could see its true colors. She could feel it better now. She closed her eyes and immersed herself in it. It was not careless recklessness or abandon that had motivated his actions. The curiosity that was always at the forefront of his mind had taken backseat to something else. She could also see quite clearly that she was not far from his mind.

He'd been terrified. Their air was limited; even he would need air in order to regenerate into a new body if this one died. Going back up and sitting with Ida while they waited to run out of air was a thought he couldn't bear. A slow descent to certain death was something he was not used to thinking about and it scared him.

And then it was there. The thing that was most on his mind that had pushed everything else to the side. Her. He thought about sitting there, knowing he was going to die and not even having the chance to talk to her again. It was the thought of never getting to hear her voice again, or feel her arms around him that was what scared him most. That was what he could not face. The weeks since he'd let her in and they'd become so close had been such good ones for him. Something he'd desired for so long was now happening and he couldn't bear to have it taken away from him when he'd only just gotten it. It was too much for him to bear.

He didn't think he was brave enough to face the fate that was staring back at him without her there by his side. He had grown so used to having her by his side. Her strength and support made him feel like he could do anything but without her there he faltered.

Going down into the pit had been their last hope of rescue. Rose could feel as the last bit of hope had drained out of him when the rope stopped. The rescue he had sought to find by going down in there was obviously not there. It wasn't really until that moment that he'd really started to believe that maybe he wouldn't survive this and he wouldn't get back to her again. He'd had no hope left then; he could no longer see any light around. There was still a chance that they might be rescued but he couldn't find it in him to be optimistic this time.

He knew throwing himself down in the pit it was stupid. But it was all he could think to do, the only thing he had left to do. He felt it was a hopeless mission but so was sitting and waiting for death. And if he was going to die he wanted it to be swift as he always thought it would be, in the heat of some action. Not slow and painful.

He'd thought of leaving Rose a last word if Ida was somehow able to get in touch with the others one last time. He wanted to tell Rose he loved her. But it wasn't even something he'd said to her yet, out loud with actual words. He couldn't let someone else do that. Besides, he had told her. The first time their minds had touched his feelings for her had come through and she'd seen how he really felt for her. He hadn't meant for her to see that at the start but now that he was stranded here without a way to tell her privately, the only way he could imagine telling her, he was glad she already knew. Words never could have done it justice anyways.

"I'm sorry," he said now out loud though he could have said it in her mind. He wanted her to hear it out loud because it was harder for him and he wanted her to know that he truly meant it. "I'm sorry I gave up."

Rose held onto his hand that still pressed hers to his head. She was still processing what she had felt. She couldn't fault him on the fear he had felt in those moments. It was a scary situation. She couldn't say she wouldn't have been as afraid if she were facing death. She remembered his pain at the thought of never seeing her again. She knew that pain. Hadn't she felt the same when they told her that he was gone? Hadn't she done much the same as he had? She had been willing to stay on the planet, facing certain death herself all because she could not accept a future without him.

She could see now how wrong she had been in assuming that she wasn't a factor in his decision. The Doctor did not wear his feelings on his sleeve so it was hard to know that she was on his mind. But she could see now just how much she had been on his mind, how much she always was.

"I didn't give up on you. I wouldn't have," she said quietly to him.

"I know. The whole time you never gave up not even in the end."

"I will never give up," she said firmly squeezing his hand. "Never. Always remember that. I will never stop fighting for you."

"You...are much more hopeful than I am," he said drawing on her strength. "But it _is_ different now," he said with urgency. "Now that you and I...I will not give up again."

"Promise?" she asked, and he could feel that the anger had ebbed away. "Promise you won't give up. I...I need you to."

"I promise Rose. I didn't do it because I was trying to leave you. It's because I couldn't bear to be forced to leave you. I couldn't bear the thought of never seeing you again for another second. I had to _do_ something. Even if it was crazy I had to take the chance."

"I know. I know now. I'm sorry," she said tears in her voice. "You were right to do it too; that's how you saved us. I'm sorry I assumed the worse...I just thought you were trying to leave me."

"Leave you? Why would think I would want to leave you?"

She hesitated and he could feel there was something more. There was hurt there, new hurt she had felt for what she had just seen. But it was going away now that she understood what had been going on in his hearts and mind at the time. But even as this hurt started to recede there was a different hurt there under it, an older hurt that had been there for a while. He could feel it when she realized what it was and he could feel that she hadn't exactly meant for her mind to wander there.

"Rose, what do you mean?" he asked gently.

"Because you did before," she said quietly not looking into his eyes.

"What are you talking about?"

"That day on Satellite 5," she said. He didn't understand and looked confused back at her. She silently reached out and pulled his hand back to her head so that he could feel what she was feeling. He felt as she pushed her thoughts towards him. She suddenly felt a very pressing need to get rid of the memory. The memory now seemed too heavy to carry by herself; it almost felt like the bond was adding weight to it. It seemed to be stressing that she needed to give it over to him, that it was something they needed to discuss.

Their minds were pulled back together to another time, another lifetime it seemed for the Doctor, when he'd had a different body. He saw himself back on the day he had sent her away to save her from the end of the world. He knew certain death was coming and he'd sent her away so she could be safe. He remembered the pain of that decision. It had been the last thing he had wanted to do but it was the only way to save her. This was how he remembered that day he faced down the Daleks. But they were not experiencing his memory of that day. They were experiencing hers and safety was not the feeling he felt from her as she recalled the memory.

Abandonment. That was what Rose had felt. It was not safety as he had always hoped it would be. He could see her standing in the TARDIS as it traveled back to earth in her time period. He saw as the realization came to her. He saw the confusion on her face and watched as it turned to pain and shock. The TARDIS was moving and she cried out for him but it was too late. As she realized he was sending her away she felt betrayal. She got angry. He flinched as he heard her cry out_ "Take me back!"_ to the TARDIS. Her voice was so filled with desperation and hurt as she tried in vain to get the TARDIS to reverse its course. She was mad at him for lying, for trying to make decisions for her, for making her go away because he knew she would not go by choice. He hadn't even said goodbye.

As she realized that he had lied to her she felt pain. As she shakily made her way out of TARDIS and leaned against it, she felt overwhelmed by a sense of abandonment. It was loneliness from not having him there with her anymore and it was depression from feeling like he didn't want her anymore. He saw the dull way she saw the world as she thought she was destined to stay there.

When he sent here away to save her life, he had hoped that she would able to see it as an act of love. He had expected her to understand that he had done it for her to keep her safe because he cared for her so much. But as he felt this memory from her, that was not what she felt. Maybe she knew those things to be true, rationally in her mind. But her mind was not doing the thinking. In fact, her mind had gone in the opposite direction. She wondered how he could send her away if he cared about her. She even had thoughts that maybe he didn't care for as much as she had thought.

It was all so hard for the Doctor to feel. One of the drawbacks of feeling the emotions of someone else came was when you hurt that person. You could actually feel the consequences of your actions. He had hurt her and he could now feel exactly how that felt to her. He could feel the pain she had felt. He could feel how she had felt abandoned, discarded, and left behind. He could feel the betrayal and anger she had felt. And he could know that he was the cause for all of those feelings. It was all made harder by the fact that everything she was feeling was the exact opposite of what he had wanted her to feel. It also wasn't what he had expected her to feel. He hadn't meant to hurt her but he had.

And in doing so he had taken away much of the security she had in him. He had lied straight to her face and he made it look easy. He had made the decision for her because he hadn't trusted her to make the same one. Good intentions or not, he had placed doubt in between them with his actions. She hadn't held it against him and she'd learned to trust him after that. But things, like what he had done today, only served to remind her of those long ago feelings of abandonment and insecurity. He hated to feel that from her. They were the opposite of what he wanted her to feel about him and he longed to do whatever he had to do to reverse them.

He was glad that their connection had brought this up and showed him how wrong he had been. The bonding would, from now on, make sure they would share their separate experiences, like they had just done about what happened on Krop-Tor. But there were still so many things they'd experienced in their time together that they had yet to share in this way. They had experienced so much the day of his last regeneration and they hadn't talked about very much of it.

_I never realized you felt that way _he said opening his eyes and looking at her.

_We never talked about it _she said as she looked back at him.

_Why didn't you say anything?_

_I would have...things just got so busy. After I came back and the Daleks… then you regenerated. Then you were out for so long and everything happened with the Sycorax. After all that had happened and it finally had calmed down, I thought it didn't make sense to go back and talk about it. It seemed like it had been so much time it didn't make sense to bring it up. _

_You should have_, he said gently brushing her cheek with one of his hands. _I wish you had. Because everything you felt was the very opposite of what I wanted you to feel. I...I didn't abandon you. I never wanted to send you away. I saved you. I wanted you to be safe._

Rose swallowed before she answered. _That isn't the way I felt. I know that's why you did it...really…I do understand it. I just felt left behind. I'm sorry. I just felt like I was going to lose you._

That feeling hadn't ended when she had returned to him on the game station either. Just as she returned to him she felt him leave in a different way. He watched through her eyes as she knelled beside his sleeping form in her mum's bed, him struggling in his new body. She looked on him with concern and sadness as she wiped his fevered brow. He watched through her eyes as she stood in the doorway and watched him from afar, her eyes filling with tears that she gave into when her mum came and held her.

She thought he was leaving her again, that she would lose him. She didn't even know what was happening to him. It had been all the harder after having just saved him from death. He hadn't known very much about what was going on when he had been sleeping through his regeneration. But now he could feel how difficult it had been for her. She hadn't given up on him.

_You're surprised _she stated when she felt his surprise at her reaction to his difficult regeneration.

The Doctor himself was not used to having his own feelings read by another. At one time it had been a very normal thing for him. He'd once been able to share himself with those he loved the most and it had not felt at all out of the norm. But that had been a very long time ago. Long before the war and the destruction of his home, back when he'd been a different man. He'd never thought he could have it again. It had been so long in fact that when he bonded with Rose it was like new to him. The first time they'd bonded most of the feelings they shared were intentional. But now things were coming through quicker and on their own. He knew that was the way it worked as you progressed through a relationship with someone; it had just been so long that he'd had to remind himself. He was used to having his emotions locked away where no one could see them.

_Well...yeah _he admitted with some nervousness.

_Why in the world would you be surprised? _she asked with astonishment. _I thought you were dying _she paused and he could feel a tinge of pain as she remembered._ Why would it surprise you that the thought of that would bother me? _

_It was a long time ago. I don't still feel that way _he said nervously, trying to get away from her question.

_I know it's been a long time. I understand that you're feelings have changed; but there's still something there, isn't there? That's why it came up. _

Rose was always so brilliant. Of course she knew what was going on and of course she wouldn't be so easily distracted. He took a deep breath before admitting_ I thought you didn't want me anymore._

He felt a pang of sadness inside of her mixed with disbelief. She didn't understand how he could possibly doubt her feelings for him. He could hear that if she was speaking her next words aloud then there would be tears in her voice.

_How could you have thought that? I came back for you. You sent me away but...I came back for you. I risked my life to save yours. I thought...I thought you understood._

There was no mistaking that Rose was hurt now. He could feel it even more in her feelings than in her words. He rushed to help her understand.

_Rose...I did understand. I understood your actions that day clearer than I have ever understood anything in my entire life _he said with passion remembering what it had felt like that day she had saved his life. _You'll never understand how much that meant to me. _

He could feel as her sadness was fading at his words and the certainty of them. She could feel his honesty in them.

_But I could _she said.

_What?_

_I could understand. If...if you showed me _she whispered quietly to him. It was a request. She wanted to see that memory. He could feel that she wanted it. She had no memories of her own anymore of what had happened in those moments; they'd all been taken from her. She wanted to know what lead to the passion she now heard in his voice as he remembered that day.

What a silly thing for him to have said. Of course she could understand. She could understand anything he wanted her to know now that they had this.

_I mean...if that's o.k. _she said with uncertainty. She mistook the meaning of his silence. _I mean...I'm still new at this. If we can't...if you don't want...it's-_

_No _he said interrupting. _We can. Of course we can. And...and I want to share it with you._

The memory of how she saved his life that day on Satellite 5 was special to him. It was one of his most, if not the most, treasured memories. He'd carried it around with him in a special place, at the front of his mind, where it would not get lost in the centuries worth he carried around with him. He had explained to her what had happened that day since she had been unable to remember. But he'd only told her the bare bits. He'd never been able to share it with truly like he could now. But it belonged to her too and it was time to give it back to her.


	6. Chapter 6

The Doctor clearly and vividly remembered the day of his last regeneration, the day he fought the Daleks, the day that _she_ defeated them. Though he remembered everything (even things he desperately wanted to forget) the way he remembered this day was different. The way he remembered this particular day and the events it held was intentional and not the storing of memories that came to him automatically. He treasured these memories in a special way because that day on Satellite 5 was the first time he realized Rose loved him.

He'd known what his feelings towards her were for a long time but he'd been unable until that point to fully understand hers towards him. He couldn't tell if she knew he was mad about her, that he would do anything for her. He couldn't tell if she felt the same. Not until he saw her come out of that TARDIS with the glow of the time vortex around her that is. She had just been hurt thinking he had not understood her actions that day. But he meant it when he said he had never understood anything more clearly. He knew what her actions meant. They meant that she loved him too.

He'd been alone on the game station, ready to face death. He'd already sent Rose away and almost everyone else had been killed. Pretty soon he and everyone on Earth would be too. Then he heard the sound of the TARDIS materializing right there with him. That whirring sound that made others feel a stirring of hope inside, he now got to feel that for himself; it was the sound of salvation coming for him. It gave him hope when he was feeling hopeless but it also confused him. What was going on? Had the program failed? He worried that the TARDIS was coming back without having taken and left Rose on earth safe in her own time. Had the TARDIS dropped her off and then somehow come back for him? This was the more favorable of the two possibilities. A strange combination of hope and dread rested in his hearts as the shape of the TARDIS grew more and more visible.

However, what happened next had not been a possibility he had even considered. The doors opened and glowed with energy, time energy, pouring out of the TARDIS. And there she was, Rose, with that same glow in her eyes. The hope he had felt was now gone and all he felt was dread. He had wanted Rose safe. Out of this whole horrible situation the only good thing he had was knowing that Rose would be safe. But now he didn't even have that. That glow in her eyes told him that she was now in more danger than she had ever been.

He'd been so desperate to try and reason with her. He didn't know why she was doing what she was doing but he needed her to stop. Why was she putting herself in so much danger? Why didn't she stop?

_"I want you safe. My Doctor."_

When she said these words he felt something shift in himself. It was no longer guilt and dread he felt in this moment. He now felt a growing desire, a desire that he had tried to repress for a long time now. He had laid down his life to make sure that she was safe. He knew what that meant. And now she had laid down her life to make sure he was safe. And he knew what _that _meant.

She did love him. He hadn't even considered that she would put herself in harm's way to return and save him because he hadn't thought she would return his feelings. He had thought he'd never be loved again but now that he knew he was by her, he felt for the very first time that he deserved it. He allowed himself to accept it.

He allowed himself to fully feel the emotions he had in that moment. No running away from them, no repressing them. Rose understood him. Rose loved him and he wanted to feel everything about it. He let himself get carried away finally doing what he had longed to do. He told her to "come here," as he had wanted to so many times and took her to himself.

When he said that she needed a Doctor what he really meant was that she needed _him. _A Doctor was who he was; the title was all he was, all he wanted to be and he wanted to give it to her. Knowing now that she returned his feelings of love he wanted to give himself completely to her and because of a strange turn of events now he could. She had saved his life and now he would do the same for her, giving her literally everything of himself. He hadn't needed to kiss her to do it but with what he felt in his hearts for her, there was no other option. How many times had he wanted to do just that? And now with the utter ecstasy he felt he didn't even have a thought that might hold him back from doing it.

It shouldn't have felt good to draw the vortex out of her but it did. He knew that it would kill him. It was too powerful even for him to hold it inside of his body. But maybe that was part of why it felt good. It was not every day that he encountered something that was more powerful than himself. And to his surprise he found that he liked that. It burned as it made its way into his body but he liked feeling like he was on fire. It would hurt, in a moment, but at the first touch it was good.

It tasted like Rose as he drew it out of her, her essence mingling with it. The combination of time energy and human was intoxicating to him. Two such integral, such desirable things to him, all mixed in one it nearly drove him mad. It was so sweet, the sweetest thing that had ever touched against him. He delighted in pulling each wisp out of her even though he knew every pull brought him a step closer to death. He knew that it brought her every step closer to life.

Death didn't scare him. He'd gladly give his life to save hers. Just the fact that she was willing to risk her life to save his made it worthy of laying it down for her. He'd always thought somehow he'd destroy her with his fire, his power and passion. He was happy to see that it was hers that got to him first. He should have known she'd consume him. She always had captivated him. She glowed like the sunlight. He wasn't scared of burning, of being in pain. If the burning was proof of her love for him then he delighted in that too.

He _was_ afraid of changing. He would regenerate and he'd still be the Doctor but he would lose this version of himself. He mourned already to lose this body. He'd despised it when he'd first been born into it. He'd awoken in it in the midst of rubble and blood. He'd hated his very life and hadn't even wanted it at the time. But it couldn't be better now and he didn't want to lose it. He would still live when this was over but he wanted this body still to do it in. He didn't want to lose it. This was the face that Rose knew. He had only just realized how she felt about him and he didn't want anything to change.

Would she still love him when he looked different? He knew he should chastise himself for even asking that question but even he didn't know what he'd look like when it was over. He could only focus and hope that maybe her influence would produce a body she'd like.

Rose had been so eager to know more about that day. She had forgotten everything from the time she looked into the vortex until she woke up again in the TARDIS. How had she forgotten so much? She grabbed at the memories, hoping that if she held onto them then she could somehow remember what her own thoughts and feelings were at the time. But every time she thought she could grasp just a vapor of it, it would slip out of her hands. It was frustrating to have her own memories forbidden. They had been taken from her for her own safety; it was the price she paid for having had so much power to do what she had done. She could never get her own memories back. But now she had his.

She was brought to tears having witnessed what happened between them in those moments. She was so happy that he had been willing to share this with her. It was so personal and he had given it to her. She could feel how important those moments had been for him. She was so glad that he had been able to see what she had wanted him to see.

As Rose witnessed his memories she could see this was how the Doctor spoke best. He'd always been rubbish at words. Sure, he had a gob on him but when it came to the things that really mattered he was terrible at saying anything about them. But Rose realized now that he was never meant to speak these kinds of things with spoken words. He was meant to speak them this way, the way he was with her right now. And in this method of communication, she found him to be most poetic in the way he strung his memories and thoughts together.

He wasn't expounding on the memories. For once he kept silent and just let her feel the memories. She could still feel the passion and honesty behind it and they were enough.

_Then why did you act surprised? _she asked. After she had felt what he had been feeling that day she was at even more of a loss. He had been so certain that she loved him; she felt that certainty. He had felt such love and passion towards her and she could feel how much he wanted to let that out. But he hadn't. In fact, somehow he had gone from such certainty about the way she cared for him to doubting whether she would care about his death or not.

_I didn't have doubts before _he admitted nervously. _It was after that I wondered. _

_After you regenerated? _

_Yes._

_Why did you think that would change the way I felt about you? _

_I changed my face, my body; I looked completely different. I didn't know what I was going to end up looking like or how you would feel about it. _

_But it was still you. You looked different on the outside but you were still the same on the inside. _

She knew that now, but it took looking though his eyes to remind her that she hadn't always known that as fact. He remembered back to the first time she saw him in this form and she could see this memory through his eyes. She could see herself looking at him in this new body and it wasn't exactly with the same expression she'd used when looking at his former self. She looked at him like he was a stranger. For the first time she actually looked at him like was an alien. She kind of recoiled away from him.

She hadn't realized how much of her feelings she had worn on her sleeve. She remembered herself taking the news better than what it looked like when she was looking at it now. She knew she'd been surprised, of course, but not this much. She had thought she was losing him. She had only realized herself how much she cared for him and she was afraid that she had lost him. She thought she had contained how much that had worried her inside but she could see that she had not.

She was angry now. She was angry that the special moment they'd had was stolen from them. She wondered deeply what would have happened between the two of them if he had not had to regenerate at that moment. They had been so certain where they stood with each other and she was sure that they would have expressed those feelings had things not gotten so complicated.

_Doctor..._she said rushing to explain herself. _I'm sorry. I didn't understand. I didn't know what was happening. You looked different and so I thought maybe you were a different person. It wasn't the body changing that bothered me it was thinking that inside you might have changed. _

_I did it for you..._

_I know_ she said. _And it means so much to me. You saved my life._

_No, I mean…I changed myself for you_ he admitted. _I thought you'd like me this way. _

She cringed as she felt his feelings self-consciousness and inadequacy. He felt like he wasn't good enough, that he'd had a chance to be better for her and had somehow messed it up. She had felt how much he wanted to be something that she would like. He loved her so much and he thought he could give her more even in his regeneration.

_I do like you this way. But..._

_But what? _he asked nervously.

_You didn't have to change for me. I...I thought you were cute long before you changed your face. _She felt herself blush at the admission. She never would have told that to his face when he had that face but it was the truth and always had been.

_I find that hard to_ _believe _he said doubtfully. _All big ears and teeth and old face. Nah._

_That's what you think of yourself. It does not mean that it's the way I feel about you._

He didn't say anything else in response but she felt the doubt coming off of him. He could feel her feelings, feel that they were genuine, if he let himself. But he was afraid to examine them too closely for fear that they might not be genuine. So, he held onto his long held belief that she hadn't found him attractive. Was that really how he'd felt all that time? Had he really felt she didn't find him attractive in his former body? Did he really feel he had to make himself look different for her to feel that way?

_So, that's how it's gonna be? Huh? _she asked when he remained silent. She wasn't sure how she could have given him such a wrong impression of how she really felt but she could set it right now.

She remembered that face, that first face. She pulled those memories to the surface and was glad when the feelings came to the surface, strong as if they had only just happened. She remembered the way it felt when he smiled, that big, goofy but completely happy and unguarded smile. She sent that to him. She remembered how that protective face would look at her, so tenderly and with care that she believed that he would turn the entire universe on its head just to keep her safe. She sent that to him. She remembered how those eyes, those beautiful eyes, could be so filled with passion for so many things or for her in particular. She sent that to him.

A few more remembrances came to the surface, pulled along by the ones she had summoned. She didn't necessarily pull these to the surface, as they were a bit embarrassing but she didn't stop them either. His insecurity was large and she was intent on silencing it, so be a little embarrassment on her part. She remembered how it felt when he wrapped her in his arms. It felt so safe against his chest circled by his leather coat and strong arms. She could feel his muscles through his jumper; she memorized the lines of them and wondered what they might look like under the fabric. She searched out the places where his two hearts resided early on so she could always find them and place her ear between them and listen. She remembered that short hair of his and how she used to wonder what it would feel like to run her hands against it.

Thinking back over it now she really could see how different he had made himself from the previous version of himself. He may not have been able to craft that previous version to her liking (or his version of her liking) but she found it just as desirable as this one. Maybe in was in different ways but it was to the same degree.

She pulled back a little and silenced her mind for his reaction. She smiled to herself as she felt his reaction coming in. The insecurity and doubt were still there but fading fast as they were being replaced by astonishment and pleasure. She felt him blush a little at her admissions. But even though she could feel that he was pleased to find that she really and truly had found that first body attractive there was still some insecurity and doubt there.

_It may have taken me a while to realize how I felt about you but that doesn't mean I hadn't started feeling that way long before that time. But that's not really the face you have problems with, is it?_ she asked.

He didn't answer but she knew she was right. Then a me

memory came to her mind from him that confirmed it.

_"Can you change back?"_

_"Do you want me to?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Oh."_

_"Can you?"_

_"No." _

She could feel it now. Her reaction was not the worse that he imagined it could have been but it was still what he had feared most about his regeneration. He hadn't minded the dying. He'd even been _happy _to do it for her. The twisting pain inside of his body as it changed hadn't bothered him. He had only feared what she would think when it was over. He didn't know what he would end up with. What would she think of his new body? He could have tried to keep the old one. He never tried to and he wasn't even sure if he could have or not. But he had focused instead on her, of his feelings for her, and he had hoped that whatever man he changed into she would love. But she wasn't pleased just as he had feared.

Regret filled her at the memory. It was hard for Rose to know what do. Both were versions of him. How could she say she liked one over the other? Which one would he even want her to favor? To favor one over the other seemed unfaithful. Either way it seemed like an insult. Maybe the only safe ground was the place where she actually felt like she landed; she favored neither. It may have seemed that way in the beginning but it was only because she didn't know his new face.

_I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. I know how that feels._

She hated to feel how insecure he was about himself. She knew how painful it was. She had had so many of her own insecurities and she didn't want him to have to feel that way too. She never realized how much he had. She was glad this had been brought up. Glad that now she could do something about it. She remembered how he had chased those insecurities away for her and she hoped she could do the same for him.

Her mind wandered back to a memory, early in their joined timeline. The first time he had taken her back in time. She had come out in a beautiful Victorian dress. The Doctor had looked at her and called her beautiful.

_Sorry I kind of messed it up, what with the " human" comment and all _he said while she remembered it.

_You didn't ruin it _she said smiling as she remembered it._ That's not why I was thinking about it. You didn't hurt my feelings. It was for the best anyway. If you hadn't said something I probably would have started to cry or something. _

_Why? _he asked with curiosity.

Rose paused for a moment before she spoke and he could feel that there was pain attached to what she was thinking despite the fact that she was trying to not make a big deal of it. _Because that was the first time that anyone told me that. _

It was a tragedy. How was it that no one in her life had told her how beautiful she was? He didn't even know what to say to that. It was just so _wrong. _He could feel how she had had her own insecurities and how he had helped to relieve them. He felt her think back to the dark parts of mind that he had seen the last time he had looked inside. She was thinking back to that time. She was remembering whatever was behind the door that she had put in front of him but she was aware of their easier connection. She was mindful to keep these memories still hidden.

He remembered something she had said earlier, a conversation he'd overheard her having with one of the Ood.

_"Seriously? You like being ordered about?" she had asked._

_"It is all we crave," it had replied. _

_"Why's that, then?"_

_"We have nothing else in life." _

_"Yeah, well. I used to think like that. A long time ago," she said shuddering at the memory. _

Whatever she had remembered then was also tied here. Curiosity at what had happened to Rose grew. How did all these troubling facts tie in together? But he could sense from her it was a subject she did not want to cover right now. How could he press her on it? With all the skeletons in his own closet he had no room to act like she should be honest about this with him. He was in no hurry to air his own secrets either. He remembered what the creature had called him today "the killer of his own kind," and quite right too. He was in no hurry for Rose to know him by that name. Eventually, it would have to come out, for both of them. But a quick assessment of their current bond told him the time was not right now.

He instead shifted his focus. He smiled as he spoke remembering what she had felt about his former self and knowing she felt similar things for his current self.

_Why didn't you then?_ he asked.

_Why didn't I what?_ she asked confused.

_You wanted to run your hands through my hair. Why didn't you?_ he asked.

She was surprised with the change of subject and his forthrightness. She blushed and though their eyes were closed she still glanced away at the question. _What? Just walk up to you and run my hands through your hair? s_he asked it in disbelief. She couldn't imagine having had the boldness to do such a thing.

_Yeah, why not? _

It was then she got a hint of something from him. It was not something he was projecting. It wasn't something he was intentionally blocking. Things were changing with their bonding; things were coming between them much easier than the last time. Whatever this was she was pretty sure that he did not know he was projecting it. And whatever it was, it made her think that he had been waiting for her to do just that. She suddenly got a very strong sense, that back then, when he had his other face, he had just been waiting for her to make that first move, that all he would have needed was one word that she was ready. Had he really been so willing?

_And what would have happened if I had? _she asked with unconcealed curiosity.

_I suppose we'll never know _he said mischievously.

She would have glared at him and his stubbornness had their eyes been open. So that was how he was going to play it. Well, maybe she couldn't know what he would have done then (though she would be VERY interested to know) but she could know what would happen now.

Without another word she took both of her hands and reached for his head. She hovered for just a second in self-conscious embarrassment. This was still new to her. She was used to being so guarded around the Doctor, so used to hiding her true feelings, so used to pushing down the things she wanted to do. It only took her a second to remind herself that it was alright before she plunged her hands down into his very ample hair.

When she touched him something happened that had not happened before. She could feel exactly what the Doctor felt at her touch. She had felt his emotions stronger over these past few weeks but this was amplified. She could see each emotion bursting inside of him. The Doctor's mind was alive with activity under her touch. She could feel his chills as they ran from his body into hers. She felt his pleasure and contentment as she moved her hands through his hair. She felt as he let go of his control and gave himself over to feeling her touch on him.

She could feel now why they would have to take things slowly. There was a reason he had always taken the physical side of their relationship so slowly and she could feel exactly why that was now. For Time Lords touching physically also involved the mental aspect. The Doctor could not have casual physical contact with someone. He would never be able to throw it around like humans did at times. It wasn't because he was a prude as some assumed. It was because he was alien; he wasn't governed by human rules. He may look human but he wasn't and she was finding out just how much on the inside he wasn't.

Touching while telepathically linked was unlike touching otherwise. You completely shared your reactions with the other person. You had to be comfortable with allowing them to see you like that. She marveled at being able to feel his reactions to her touch against him. She was only playing with his hair but with the added mental component, and being able to actually feel his reactions to her, it felt like possibly the most sensual experience she'd ever had.

She could feel now, how important this particular form of physical contact was to him. For telepaths the head was one of the most sensitive areas. It only made sense knowing everything she did about his people and their telepathic abilities. She felt incredibly special knowing how important this touch was and knowing that he had now (albeit inadvertently) asked her for it.

She felt herself doing every motion she could think of to do, just to feel his pleasure at it. She wanted to know his reaction to each one. She twirled his hair in circles with her fingers, toying with it in small bits. She held it tight in her fists. She pulled on it. She brushed it softly. She scratched gently along his temples. She catalogued and ranked them, according to which ones he favored over others.

She could spend forever feeling his hair rush against her skin. It was like her own skin had grown in sensitivity. How many times had she wanted to do exactly what she was doing? How long had it been since she'd had a first thought about it? But best of all was feeling how he felt about her, unreserved and honest.

She could never have expected that there could be so much more to physical touch. She knew now neither one of them would be able to handle more than this physically right now. Still, she wanted to know what his touch would do to her. She wanted to know if she would feel like he was feeling right now.

She thought how nice it would be if he would do the same for her and in the next second she felt as he reached into her hair, threading his fingers in her locks. He knew she desired it instantly without her speaking; the connection went two ways. Every follicle seemed magnified in sensitivity times a million as she felt his fingers run very slowly down the entire length of her hair. She let her head fall back with the motion as she felt herself let go of any control she might have had over herself. She feared she might let herself get overwhelmed by the sensation but she sensed that he would know when she was close to the edge and would not let her fall off of it.

She felt she was close to it as he repeated the action over and over. After he was done with that he cupped her head at the back and scratched gently in small circles all over her head, his mind spinning slightly into her at the places he touched. A breath left her lips that would have been a gasp if there had been any sound behind it. How could something as simple as this feel as complicated as this? It was no wonder Time Lords didn't touch much; they'd have never gotten anything done otherwise. She heard him chuckle slightly at this thought of hers.

Most extraordinary of all was feeling how much he wanted to make her happy and his disbelief that his actions could do that like he undoubtedly knew they did at this moment. Though she was mostly lost in her own senses she could just barely feel a sense of pleasure from him as he felt her reactions to his touch.

After a long time she felt him ease off slowly, bringing her back to reality before she got completely lost in the experience. She already longed for the way she felt when his hands connected with her head but she knew he'd done it for as long as he could. She knew she could have stayed that way forever and that wasn't plausible as much as she wanted it to be.

_Oh wow _she breathed for lack of anything better to say. Who was rubbish at words now? _Well... _she started, _it couldn't have been better than that. _

_What couldn't have?_

_Whatever would have happened if I'd done that before._

_You don't know that; my other self was much less reserved. There is no telling what might have happened_

_Whatever _she said in mock frustration as she reached her hands down into hair again, effectively silencing him as his train of thought disappeared. _I will say this for you;_ _this hair is much better _she said cheekily.

She could feel him smile but he was unable to speak as ran her fingers through his hair, tugging hard on it along the way.


	7. Chapter 7

Rose smiled as she slowed the movement of her hands in the Doctor's hair, his thoughts still lingering in her mind. She felt the Doctor struggle to come back to as she eased off and she couldn't help but think about how she could get very used to having this kind of effect on him.

_I wish I could remember that kiss, _she said thinking back to the memory that he'd shared with her. If playing with his hair felt like this she could only imagine what sharing a kiss would be like. She had felt so much from him that he had felt from that extraordinary kiss and they hadn't even been bonded at the time. It was a kiss that had literally saved her life and cost him his. After having experienced this bit of physical touch with the added telepathic aspect she was pretty sure she would be the one who wouldn't survive the experience if they were to do kiss now. But what a way to go.

She was still riding off of the emotions they'd just shared but she felt him start to feel uncomfortable when she spoke. She couldn't tell at the moment where it was coming from and it surely wasn't her intention.

_I'm sorry, _he said. _I should have told you about that sooner._

_I'm not angry with you. That's not what I was getting at _she said gently. _But why didn't you tell me about it? _she asked with curiosity. _Was it because you thought I would be mad?_

_No, not really. Things were just so complicated after everything that had happened, like you said…I guess I didn't want to complicate them further. I didn't know if you realized what your feelings for me were yet or not. I didn't know what your reaction would be if I brought it up. I knew that I would always know how you felt about me even if you never said and that's all I needed. But it wasn't right not to tell you. You deserved to know and it wasn't my right to keep it from you. _

_And there's no way at all that I can remember?_ She asked. She knew the answer already but it was a good memory and she wished she had it. She thought she would at least ask.

_No. I'm sorry but no. I took it all away from you. They didn't go away on their own; I made them go away. But I couldn't let you keep the memories. I'm sorry but they were too much for you. You saw all; all that was, all that is, all that ever could be. It was too much for a human mind to handle. It was burning you from the inside out. _

She nodded. _Yeah I figured, _she said with acceptance.

The Doctor figured that Rose would be upset, maybe even angry towards him, for taking her memories from her, for not telling her that he had kissed her. But that was not what he felt from her now. It was loss he felt. He touched it, feeling it to make sure. _Really? _he asked as he brushed up against it.

_Yeah. I guess what really upsets me about it is that it makes another kiss I missed out on _she said.

_Another? _

_Well, there was that one with Cassandra. _

_Oh _he said_. _Dread filled him as he could sense where this was going. He almost wished that she would have been angry with him instead. He knew that this was bound to come up sooner or later. Rose was human after all and now that they were in a relationship it was only natural for her to want this.

_You liked that one, _she continued_. I can feel that you did. _

Of course she could. There was no denying anything, not that he necessarily wanted to. She was just being bolder that usual and he knew he was going to have to fess up which made him nervous. _I can feel that you wished it were me,_ she added shyly. _You knew it wasn't me but…you wanted it to be _

She was being brave and so he decided to stop being such a coward_. Yes. That's right _he admitted.

_I mean...I guess I'm just confused, _she said nervously. He could feel her gearing herself up to ask whatever it was she was about to ask. It was something she had wondered for a while. But she was worried about asking and she felt awkwardness now. _If you did it before...then why haven't..._she said her voice trailing off, unable to make herself finish the question. But he knew what it was.

Remembering that kiss, thinking about the physical touch they'd just shared, Rose heard from his mind just how long it had been since he'd had any sort of physical relationship with someone. It was a very long time and much longer than she had expected.

At first she thought surely he must be joking. She could feel how he had enjoyed the physical touch he'd received from her so she thought it couldn't be nervousness that kept him from sharing more with her. But then she felt deep red embarrassment flood into her that was not her own. Of course, she should have known. He hadn't kept from kissing her just because he hadn't wanted to; it went deeper than that. Pretty much everything with the Doctor did.

She stopped. _You don't need to be embarrassed about this _she said reaching out for his mind, hoping to put him at ease.

But he was embarrassed._ My people...we didn't...intimacy for us... _he said stuttering the whole way, the feeling of embarrassment increasing rather than decreasing. _It was mental. Physical intimacy...we didn't...I...it had been practically bred out of us. Even to have children we didn't..._he groaned in mortification discussing the topic. Time Lords didn't use physical intimacy like humans did and he didn't like to feel inexperienced, unknowledgeable or unskilled about anything like he did about this right now.

Rose gave his mind a gentle squeeze. She could feel that he did want a physical relationship with her but it frightened him in ways. She knew he didn't like to admit fear to anyone, even to her. _You know you don't have to be embarrassed with me. This is me you're talking to; you can tell me anything _she reassured him._ I'm sorry I didn't believe you at first. It isn't funny to me. I just didn't expect it. When I met you...you were just so..._ her voice trailing off in search of the right word.

_So what? _he asked nervously.

_Cocky. So sure of yourself. You just seemed experienced._

_Well, I'm not. I may look like a human, but I'm not._

_Wait, what?_ she said in mock surprise. _You're not human?_ she said with a laugh

She was glad when she heard him laugh and bit of the tension left him. _You're teasing me._

_Yes. But only because I know you're not human. I know we're different and that_ this_ is going to be different. But you have to know that I'm never going to make you do anything that you're not comfortable with. Not ever_

_Of course I know that. This is just so embarrassing _he said and she could feel him unconsciously retreating trying to get away from his humiliation.

_Doctor, lots of people are nervous about this sort of stuff. Even humans._

_It's a ridiculous thing to be frightened of. I mean, I'm 900 years old. _

_Doctor...don't be embarrassed about this. After that preview you gave me earlier, I can see why you would be nervous about physical contact. With the telepathy it's a lot to experience. _

_You're just so good at the mental aspect of our relationship...I just wish I was better at physical part for you._

_I am in no way disappointed. The night I came to you, that night we bonded...what I wanted was to be closer to you. And I am _

She could feel him smile at her as he took one of her hands in his. _My people...we did not have physical contact with each other. We were taught to avoid it_ he said. _Our touch was telepathic. Physical closeness in any way was seen as inferior and was taboo _he said speaking honestly to her. _Even though I disagreed with so much that was taught on my planet it does not change the fact I was taught to squelch those desires, to see them as something negative, to work to overcome them. It's been a very long time but I guess I still struggle with it. Even when I started to spend more and more time with humans it still did not become easy for me to be casual in that kind of contact._

_I know that Doctor and that's alright. _

She stared down at their joined hands for a few moments. He hadn't even thought about taking her hand just now. Holding her hand came so naturally to him. He no longer saw it as a form a physical contact that he had to struggle with even though at one time she was sure it was. He would be just fine. He may not realize it but she did.

_Besides, _she said a sly smile coming on her face as she opened her eyes and looked at him._ We are only just getting started. I have high hopes for you._

_You sure have a lot of faith in me _he said noticing the playful tone in her words and arching one of those glorious eyebrows at her._ I hope I can live up to it._

_You will, in time _she said confidently.

_I don't know if it will be any consolation to you or not,_ he said his voice turning serious again, _but when I say that it has always been easy for me to reach out and hold your hand or hug you, that I didn't even have to think about it, that really means something to me. Those forms of touch might not mean much for some humans but they mean a lot to me_

_It's a not a consolation. Of course it's not a_ consolation. _Doctor...it means everything to me _she said seriously and with passion.

He could feel how much she meant it and it was exactly what he wanted to hear, exactly what he needed to know. He leaned in and hugged her deeply. It was one of the best kinds of hugs, the kind that chased everything else in the world away, the kind they both survived on. He buried his face against her shoulder and she could feel what the action meant to him and always had meant to him.

At first she felt a rush of loneliness. She felt all alone, she felt lost and a deep sense of unbelonging, like there was no one in the world who cared about her. It was the briefest of touches and she knew it was one of his memories, of what he had felt in the time before he had met her.

But when he held her hand, from the very beginning, he no longer felt alone. The way it held back at his reminded him that he wasn't all alone, that someone _saw_ him, that someone was standing right beside of him. The way it was soft and warm inside of his, reminded him that there was still good in the world.

And when he held her, he felt at home. In those moments, gone were the feelings that he was a traveler never to return home, gone were those feelings that he didn't belong anywhere. He belonged with her; she was home and he felt safe with her. He with all his powers still needed a place where he could come and feel safe and he found it in her.

The hug deepened. It was not that it changed physically; it deepened on the inside. The warmth, the softness, that feeling of affection they both felt in the hug grew. Rose felt as something shifted in the Doctor as he let it intensify.

The first time she'd felt his love for her through their mental connection it was by accident. That first night when they'd touched his emotion had come out without him meaning to let it. But this time was different. This time he wanted her to feel his love for her. She could feel that this time he was making it come out. She was thrilled to be able to feel his strong and passionate love for her again. She eagerly opened her mind as much as she could to let it all in. She wanted to feel his untamed affections for her and she felt as they barreled through her. She let out a small cry of surprise as she felt him reach his hands up to grip her head and it intensified.

She'd never experienced love like this. And it wasn't only because she'd never shared it in in this way. She'd never experienced true love before. What she had always known had been so lopsided. She was used to trying to earn affection, used to being tired and empty from trying. She was used to begging for it and still not getting it. But with the Doctor she had not even had to try. It was not something he withheld from her until he got something out of her; he gave it without demanding anything back in return. He had even given it to her before she had returned those same feelings for him. Not that she could have earned this love if she had tried. No one could earn a love this big and all encompassing. It was the kind that had to be freely and unconditionally given.

She'd never known anything like this and she wondered how she'd ever thought she knew what love was before she knew him. She had known what it was to be lusted for but not what it was to be desired after. She knew what it was to be possessed but not what it was to be cherished. The difference was that one was love and one wasn't. She realized now that she had never experienced it until she knew him. She didn't even know she had started to cry until she felt him silently reach up and tenderly brush a couple of tears off of her face with one of his hands. She was so intent on feeling what he was giving her that she didn't want to move an inch so she let him without protest.

It felt foolish now that she'd had any of the doubts she had felt throughout the day. The way he felt about her, the way that she could feel now, she wasn't sure that there was any power in the universe that could alter it. How could she ever doubt how he felt about her? She knew she never would again.

She was overwhelmed by the affections he felt for her. It was so different than anything she known, so much more than she had ever expected. She wondered how she could match his feelings, how she could ever come close to giving him what he gave her. He literally had two hearts and it was easy for her to see now that it wasn't just figurative; he had at least a double capacity to love. He had 900 years of life and experiences so it only made sense. She couldn't possibly give him what he'd given her.

_How can you say that Rose? _he asked in shock with a genuine feeling that the love he felt from her did not compare to what he offered her.

She was at a loss for words; she didn't have an answer as she felt him brush the last few tears away from her face. Somehow she managed to invite him closer when he wanted to see her feelings closer, when he wanted to show her how he saw what she felt. When he reached his other hand to hold her head, she could feel how open he was as he stroked the sides of her head with his thumbs. She didn't even have to prompt her feelings to flow out of her into him.

He marveled at the way that she loved him. He had to open himself and push his feelings out so that she could see them, but she loved him so much that those affections showed without her having to do that. She didn't even realize how she wore them about herself. But when he was with her like this he never doubted how she felt for him because it was so obvious. She was so honest and she wanted him to know how she felt so much that she wasn't hiding anything even subconsciously.

He may have had two hearts but hers was twice as strong. He had two to carry the weight of his survival but she had only the one to do it all on its own. It was much more exercised and stronger than his was because of this. Somehow her single heart seemed to possess a greater capacity for love than his double ones did. She valued it more for its rarity. It was by watching hers that he had even learned how to love again. She was the one who taught him, who made it even possible for him to show affections towards her.

The love of a human heart was a special thing. Their years were so limited, their potential to feel so great, and their likelihood of breaking so high that to find yourself earning a spot in one was a special thing. He never thought he would find himself the object of such precious and pure affections.

Her heart was completely feminine and lovely in the way it loved him back. It was vulnerable but she left it that way. It hesitated to be open, for it was so gentle and so breakable. Its capacity was great and therefore its potential to break was too. But instead of trying to protect it from the pain of the world around her she left it out letting it feel all things instead of protecting it from all things.

She let herself feel the emotions she had. She didn't let them overcome her or get the best of her but she also didn't try to hush them, ignore them or suppress them. She acknowledged who she was and how her heart felt the world around her. But she was wise about it. She guarded it without being guarded. She was completely loud in quiet ways. It was this quiet quality of it that was sure to be the reason she had not realized the own scale of her capacity.

But most of all it was powerful. He wasn't sure how she could doubt the power of it. Hadn't it been that love that had drove her to save the entire world just in the process of saving him? If that wasn't proof enough he had something else he could show her. He had already seen how much his love had transformed her and he could show her how she had transformed him.

He pulled her back towards him and let her get closer to the dark area of his past, the part he'd not wanted her to see before. She still didn't see it all but he let he see more than she had before. He had yet to show her the events of that time but he now showed her the evidence of them.

Rose could see the scars on his hearts. She could actually visualize the damage that time and its events had left on him as if they were in front of her face. They had actually left destruction in their wake. She reached out and touched the rough places, tenderly as to not hurt them. She felt that they were real, not just a symbol of his pain but the actual proof of it.

She laughed slightly but it was a humorless laugh. _What?_ he asked.

_It's just...they say time heals all wounds, but that isn't true. Time leaves wounds on you._

_But they're not wounds anymore. They're scars... and you did that. You healed them._

_Me? _she asked in disbelief.

_Yeah, look at them._

She could see that they were scars now. They were not open wounds anymore. But they had been when she'd met him. She knew this because she could see her fingerprints upon them and how her touch had healed them. Her presence was knit into them. She had saved his life without even knowing what she was doing. She had never realized how profound her effect was on him. She never knew that her presence in his life was capable of doing so much.

There was absolutely no words to describe the way it felt to actually see the way you were written on someone else's heart. How could you ever describe what it meant to actually see the affect you had had on a person?

Since she had started to spend time with the Doctor in this way, she had found herself more often than not at a loss for words. Right now was no exception. It was becoming increasingly apparent to her why the Doctor was not good at expressing his feelings, especially those deep and important ones. His people had not used words to show affection for each other; they used this.

_I didn't know what I was doing _she admitted, still in awe of all she had done when she hadn't even realized it. She'd given him so much but she never even realized it. It had been so effortless. Both felt they had gotten everything they needed while not realizing all along they were doing the same for the other.

_I could always see, from day one _he said with certainty.

_"If I believe in one thing…just one thing…I believe in her"_

She pushed back in surprise and looked at him when she felt these words. It was a memory of his and she knew somehow that he was talking about her. She looked at him in shock, in awe. When had he said that? He stared back at her and smiled and let it speak for itself.

She took the declaration and held it against her. It meant so much. There was so much inside of it that she just sat and held it for a while. So much was inside these words he had spoken that she couldn't even make sense of it or explain it, she only could experience it. She didn't know when he had spoken these words, what the circumstances were that had drawn it out but she didn't even need to know. She only needed to know all it meant.

After a long while she felt him touch her mind and then ease just a step back from it. She could feel that he was content and could leave things at this point and he waited for her, to see if she agreed. She followed suit very slowly pulling away from his mind, bidding it farewell with every inch of distance she put it between it and hers. The connection this time was much deeper than the last and had to be let off much slower. They took their time gliding away from each other, even enjoying the process of ending this as they matched each other's pace step for step.

She opened her eyes and looked at the Doctor when they had finished gently breaking their connection. She smiled. "Thank you," she said softly.

"Thank _you _Rose," he said taking her in his arms and rubbing his hands up and down her back. "How is your mind feeling now?"

"So good," she said with uncontained contentment. "No more aching. I'm satisfied." They both sighed in relief and she knew that he felt the same. They shared a laugh.

"Let's not put this off again for so long," he said a smile in his voice, his face against her shoulder.

"I wouldn't dream of it." She felt giddy knowing that they wouldn't. This was actually going to happen. They were actually going to go forward, making both this relationship and this bond deeper and stronger. There was no going back now. She had worried, if only slightly, after that first night they shared that it would be a onetime thing never to be repeated. But it couldn't be. They could never go back after everything they'd shared this night. She looked forward to this being a regular part of their lives.

Unlike the last time they had bonded she felt stronger for the exercise. The first time she had felt tired after it was over. It had worn her out and made her head spin. But this time it had worked her out. She wasn't tired and she could feel that she'd grown stronger during this time spent together.

Rose started to shake. Her mind was stronger but her body was overwhelmed by the experience. She had felt this to a certain degree the first time but it was much stronger this time. Her whole body was shaking, not so subtly, like it would with nervous energy but it wasn't that. It was just that there was so much energy left over from the experience of being with him and it had to go somewhere.

She glanced away in embarrassment because the Doctor wasn't shaking. He put his hands on her arms and rubbed them up and down. When she looked at him he was smiling. She blushed and looked down again. "Sorry...my silly human body," she said in jest in an attempt to make it a joke but she knew that he could feel that really it embarrassed her.

"Yes...you are so very human."

There was something in the way that he said it that made her look up at him. There was something in his eyes with the way that he said it. Pleasure?...maybe even envy?

"What?" she asked.

He hesitated. "No...really. What is it?" she asked again.

He looked like he wasn't sure if he should admit what he was going to say. But she also knew he could sense her growing concern that he had said it because it was a bad thing so he continued. "It's just..."

"What?" she asked impatiently. She had gotten quite used to having access to his thoughts; she now had to get used to being limited to words again.

"I kind of like to see it," he said sheepishly with a half-smile, looking away.

"What? Me and my impossible to control body?" she asked in disbelief but a smile was forming on her lips.

"No. You...kind of overwhelmed with the experience," he said looking up at her. "I kind of like knowing I can have that effect on you."

She smiled slyly back him, her cheeks growing warm. It was hard enough for him to admit such things inside of her mind, almost impossible for him to admit them out loud. "You do, do ya now?" she asked with one of her tongue in teeth smiles, knowing how he enjoyed them.

"I've never had that effect on someone," he admitted with a smile. "Everything we shared tonight…I can see it because you feel it. You feel it so completely, so physically. It reminds me this isn't just a dream."

"No, not a dream," she said with a smile, feeling the change, the ease in their conversation even though they were not joined at the moment. "Stuff of legend, yes, but that's our reality."

She was changing. Her mind was changing and he could feel it. Every time they came together it got stronger and gained new abilities. He could feel that it was different than that first time. The chemicals and charges that governed it were changing as she challenged it to do more and more. The pathways were shifting so that it was starting to look like a different place. Every time they came together he could feel her becoming more and more Time Lord. His bond with her was making her more like him.

But it wasn't him doing it all. He couldn't take all of the credit for it. She said he was a good teacher. But really he was just a guide. Every new move she learned, she conquered. She mastered it right away and needed little direction from him to do so. It was like all those abilities were already stored inside, just waiting to be let out.

He was amazed by her. He knew she still didn't believe how amazing she was but he knew. What other human could do what she could do? He meant what he said; not every human could handle the bond like she did. Even fewer if any he wondered could master it like she could. It was like she was made for this, like she was made for him. She was everything he needed, more than he could ever ask for.

He wasn't changing her into something she wasn't. Together he was making her more and more of who she was. He knew that because she was doing to the same to him. He was changing too. He could feel it. Every time they came together he came away different. But for him it was his hearts. Every time he was with her he became more of the good inside of him and less of the bad. He wasn't lying when he said that their capacity meant nothing before her. The love she found there, she had made possible. It was very human. Her bond with him was making him more human.

He wasn't quite sure but somehow he seemed to be made for her too. Though he had resisted it he'd always had the capacity to love inside of him and she had let it out. His hearts looked so different now than they used to. She had taken his hearts which had been dulled to feelings and brought them alive. They'd once run away from feelings because there had only been bad ones to feel but now there were goods ones, even enough to outweigh the bad ones.

Together _they_ were changing. They were becoming something completely unique. A human and a Time Lord; who would ever have thought? It truly was the stuff of legend. It was an adventure unlike any that he had ever experienced. He had no idea what to expect but he knew he was looking forward to every step of the way.

**A/N: Thank you for reading "A Different Way I Need You." Continue reading about the Doctor and Rose's journey with the next in this series "We'll Always Be Alright." **


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