Castle 1. Chapter 1

"_I have been torn and twisted, lost in a fog I drifted._

_I'm drowning in my wounds, can't breathe, suffocated_

_All my armor's fallen now, pieces laid on the ground."_

_-The Strange Familiar_

It happens so fast she doesn't have time to think. One minute Kate Beckett is giving the eulogy at Captain Roy Montgomery's funeral, the next chaos breaks out around her. As she sits on the ground, with the head of her partner cradled in her lap, she tries to replay the last sixty seconds in her mind.

Standing at the podium, she repeated a quote once told to her by her captain. "There is no victory, there are only battles. And in the end the best you can hope for is to find a place to make your stand. And, if you're very lucky, you find someone willing to stand with you." As she stated that last line she turned to the one person she felt that way about, the man who had been by her side for three years now, her partner, Richard Castle. In the next moment she heard Castle calling; wait, no, he was yelling her name and then he tackled her to the ground.

Presently people all around them are screaming but the loudest sound is of the bullet, the sound on repeat in her mind, as it had entered, pierced his heart, and brought her world to a crashing stop. His head is in her lap and already the blood is coating them both, soaking through her pants and his shirt. She can't bring herself to do anything but hold him there, willing him to stay with her. Her shock is the only thing keeping her together and she hopes the paramedics will get to him in time. As she stares down into his eyes, whispering his name, she shouldn't be shocked by what she sees, but her breath catches nonetheless. There is no fear, no regret, only love.

That's the last thing she sees as he closes his eyes, that look of complete love that will forever be seared into her mind. As she feels his breathing slow, watches as he slips from consciousness, her whisper of _I love you_ is carried away on the breeze. It almost shocks her as the words leave her mouth, the stark realization that she's said them out loud and that she meant every word.

And now the heart wrenching fear truly takes hold of her as she wonders if she'll ever get to tell him how she feels. Castle has been shot. This man, who has driven her crazy for the last three years, who has been by her side no matter what the situation was, who pushes back harder when she pushes him away, took the bullet that was meant for her.

He has saved her life in more ways than she has ever admitted to anyone, let alone herself, and yet this time it's completely different. He has a family and so much going for him in life and she's done nothing but push him away; it should be her lying on the ground but instead it's him. In this moment nothing else matters to her, all she sees is him and the sacrifice he has made for her. And it's in this very moment that those walls she had carefully constructed, and built up all those years ago, begin to crumble.


	2. Chapter 2: Silence

**A/N: **Just wanted to drop a quick note and say thank you so much for the great response so far! I really appreciate all of the encouraging reviews I received! I am new to this so bare with me on getting these chapters out. I hope it continues to flow on paper as it does in my mind :) I hope you all enjoy this chapter! And just want to say thank you to my awesome beta Bec, I definitely couldn't do this without her!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own them, but since they are constantly running through my mind, I figured I'd give them something to do. Major props to Andrew Marlowe for this amazing show and characters!

**Chapter 2: Silence**

"_There is a sadness in my bones,_

_And I cannot let go of the sadness._

_There is a silence and it's,_

_Leading me into madness."_

_-The Strange Familiar_

Seconds, that's all it takes for her partners to get it together and take charge of the scene, but, to Kate, it feels like hours have passed. She's not sure how long Lanie has been shaking her before she snaps back to reality, and allows her friend to help her to her feet.

It is Lanie who has pulled for her and Castle from the beginning and it will be Lanie who keeps Castle alive until the paramedics arrive. Kate can only stand and watch as Lanie administers CPR and they all plead for Castle to stay with them. He's been a part of their team for three years and in that time he's captured the hearts of all those around him. He's part of the family and the family fights for those they love.

It's only now that Kate finally assesses the scene around her. Most had sheltered in the safety of their vehicles, and dispersed after it was confirmed that the gunmen had fled, but the team of cops from the 12th Precinct and Castle's family still remain. The weight of this day and all they have been through is beginning to press down on Kate and she wonders how long she can remain standing. She has seen the hands of death many times; she has felt its wrath and finality not only in her line of work but in her personal life. And she vows now that this dragon, no matter how big, will not steal another loved one from her life.

The sounds of sirens snap her out of her thoughts and she holds her breath as they load Castle into the ambulance. Lanie has not left his side and she knows he is in good hands. Ryan and Espo elect to stay behind and work the scene. If anyone can find them a lead, she knows it's them. She turns to find Martha Rodgers standing at the door of the ambulance. Her heart begins to pound rapidly as she braces herself for Castle's mother's reaction to the sacrifice he has just made. But she is once again surprised when the older woman pulls her in for a fierce hug. She knows they don't have much time so, upon Martha's request, she climbs in the back of the ambulance with a promise to Martha that she will stay with him.

The ride to the hospital will be something Kate never forgets. Twice she watches as that flat line appears and she is positive her heart stops with his; twice she thanks a higher power as Lanie pulls him back from the brink of death. She'll never stop hearing that sound, that heart-rending, ear-shattering sound when the monitor registered that his heart had stopped. And the deafening silence she felt descending on her when she thought he was gone. The sadness of this day is seeping into her bones and she's fighting the battle to hold it together.

She has to force herself to let go of his hand when they rush him through the doors of the hospital. She doesn't even remember when she grabbed hold of it, but the weight of it in her hand, that small connection with him, somehow kept her grounded in that ambulance. And now reality once again reels her back in as she comes face-to-face with the doctor who is first to respond, Doctor Josh Davidson, her boyfriend. So wrapped up in what she was allowing herself to feel for Castle, she had almost forgotten she has a boyfriend - and he's about to operate on the man she loves. She knows how wrong that is, how unfair it is to Josh but that's the problem with the heart sometimes, when it picks who it wants you can only fight it for so long.

Now she sits in the waiting room, and even though she is surrounded by people she knows and cares for, she's never felt such a maddening silence before. She feels it deep in her soul and she knows there is only one person that can break it: Castle. She feels the crumbling as another wall begins to collapse, and there is only one explanation for it, she is hopelessly in love with Richard Castle and that frustrating, immature, maddening, loving, wonderful man is going to break every one of her walls and there is nothing she can do to stop it, and she wouldn't even if she wanted to.

Her next encounter is one she is not prepared for at all. Hearing a throat clear, she looks to find Alexis Castle, her partner's beautiful, young daughter, staring at her from the doorway. She stands and follows Alexis into the hall, and the look in the teenager's eyes as she whips around to face her is enough to send a shudder through her body. Before she can open her mouth Alexis is speaking and Kate braces herself as the girl's wrath comes crashing down on her.

"I knew he was going to do this one day, go out and do something reckless, get himself hurt, or killed. He has changed since he met you, Detective Beckett, and I don't like it. He has no regard for his life or his family anymore. He is not a cop and I told him he needed to stop playing one before he got hurt. He may have just thrown his life away for you and I can't bring myself to understand why. While I think you are a remarkable detective, you've done nothing but push him away from day one. He's in love with you and it's so clear to those of us around you, yet you do anything you can to dismiss it. You're like a drug that he can't get out of his system and now it may have gotten him killed."

Kate feels the tears as they start to spill down her cheek, because she knows everything the girl is saying is right. She doesn't deserve Castle; she's a messed up, frustrating, walled off person and he has tried his best to get inside. And, although he hasn't been able to see it, he _has_ slowly worked his way inside her. He's demolishing her walls from the inside out and she desperately wants to convey this to Alexis but she doesn't know how to form it in words. And she thinks it's only fair that he be the first person to know. So she tries to express it the best she can to the girl.

"Alexis, I know there is nothing that I can say that will change this situation, and nothing that will make it better. Your dad took the bullet that was meant for me, and I can never put into words what the means to me. I don't know why he would sacrifice himself for me knowing how much he has in life, but I can tell you this, _when_ he makes it through, I will spend my entire life making sure he knows just what it means to me. I am not walking away from this, nor him. I'm here and I intend to make this into the happy ending that everyone deserves." As the last few words leave her mouth, Kate is crushed into a fierce hug by the young girl. They hold on to each other as the weight of the day's events finally takes over them both.

It's been exactly one hour and forty seven minutes since she last saw him, she knows because she looked at the time on her father's watch and she's been watching the time tick by ever since. Alexis is now asleep beside her in the waiting room, the stress of the day finally pulling her under. She watches as Martha rests on the other side of the room as well and for the first time of the day the silence doesn't feel like it's strangling her. She is not alone in this battle, in fact, for the past three years, she has never been alone. She loves him, she's sure of that now. She still doesn't think she deserves him but if he still wants her after this, she will do her best to be better for him, to become the person he does deserve. She's done ignoring it.

Now, as she works her way through the rubble of her disintegrated walls, she knows what comes next, the next step in this battle towards her happy ending. As if fate itself is speaking to her, that exact moment, Josh comes through the door and she braces herself, because more than one life is about to be changed.


	3. Chapter 3: Courage

**A/N:  
**Once again thank you for your support. The response to this story has been amazing so far, and it makes me want to get the chapters out as fast as I can! I am a hair stylist and my schedule can be crazy sometimes, but I will try to stay as regular as I can. As always thank you for your encouraging reviews. The more I receive the more I want to write! Please keep them coming! Another huge thank you to my beta, Bec, this would be much harder without you! :)

**Disclaimer: **I do not own them in any way, shape or form, but I love them just the same.

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She hears that insistent pounding, feels it as it grips her, wonders where it's coming from until she realizes it's her own heart. Three things need to happen now: she needs to know that Castle is okay, she needs to end things with Josh, and she needs to make things right with the man she loves. In the future when she looks back on this day, it will seem like it took hours, maybe even days to play out, yet in reality, it will come down to minutes, minutes to change three lives forever.

_**(Castle's Fate)**_

Josh waits for the family to gather around before he tells them Castle's fate. Kate listens but only one word currently registers in her mind. _A__live_. Castle is alive. She forces herself to focus on the medical diagnoses as Martha and Alexis both sigh with relief. Josh tells them that they lost him again, in the operating room, his heart had once again stopped beating and he had almost left them, _almost left her_. The bullet had pierced the tip of his atrium, and if it had been any lower he would be gone. He'll have a scar, and it will forever be a part of him. He's still here, but he remains unconscious and that will remain the biggest concern for now. One minute was all it took for Kate to hear all that she needed to: he is alive.

_**(Josh's ending)**_

Kate nods as a nurse comes to take Martha and Alexis to see Castle; it's only right that they go first and she has something she needs to do anyway. She waits until they leave and then ushers Josh into the room, shutting the door behind him. She knows this isn't really fair to him and she should have ended it long ago, but she made her choice and now she has to face the consequences. She can see on his face that he knows what is about to happen, yet he lets her continue anyway.

"Josh, there is no way to make this any easier, so I am just going to be completely honest. I appreciate everything you did for Castle today, you saved his life and I can never thank you enough for that. But, the truth is, I am in love with him and I have been for some time. I should have been honest with you sooner and I know that this is in no way fair to you but I have to do what's right now. I was scared of these feelings for so long that I have been ignoring them but I can't do that anymore, I don't want to live my life wondering, what if? I have to go after what I want, and, what I want, is Castle. I am sorry for continuing this as long as I have and I need you to know that you are a good man, but this is it for us."

She is surprised that he hasn't reacted at all yet, so she waits him out. He stares blankly at her for a few moments and then she sees the rage begin to form.

"Kate, are you seriously in love with writer boy or is this some obligation you feel you have to him because he saved your life? I get that what he did is a big deal, Kate, but it doesn't mean he is the only one that would do it for you. You really think he is that much better for you then I am? That he will put up with you like I have? He will get tired of being held at arm's length waiting for you to let him get close, Kate. So I guess I was nothing more to you than a good release when you needed it, someone to help you out and then get kicked to the curb? I thought you were better than this, Kate."

He turns to storm out of the room, but she stops him. She's more upset than she should be at those last few things he said to her, after all he has a right to be mad but she feels the need to defend herself somewhat. "Josh, stop you know that is not true, you were more than just sex but we aren't meant for each other. I don't let people get close to me because it's just easier this way, but he doesn't give up, Josh. He isn't better for me because I think he is better than you, he is better for me because he makes me better. I don't want to fight anymore, please, just let it go."

He leaves her standing there with her emotions once again threatening to take over. She knows some of what he said was true but she wasn't expecting him to be that angry. She is sorry that she hurt him but she won't apologize for who she loves, she'll never be sorry about who her heart has chosen. She thinks to herself, at least that is out of the way, for now anyway.

_**(Kate's reality)**_

She waits alone for Martha and Alexis to return, finally standing as they enter the waiting room. There are fresh tears on the young girl's face but they both seem relieved to have finally seen him. She sends them to get coffee as she makes her way to Castle's room. Opening the door, she is met with the sounds of the machines he is hooked up to and she fights back the tears that are threatening to fall. She knows if she lets them start now that the flood will come pouring through and she doesn't want that yet. She slowly makes her way to his bed and takes his hand in her own. Despite all he has been through today, he still looks ruggedly handsome and she can't help but smile. She can see the white bandage peeking from the top of his gown and the reality of what he has done hits her full force.

This man risked his life for her, with no hesitation at all, and placed himself in the aim of the bullet that should have hit her. It took mere seconds for him to push her out of the way and place himself into its path and therefore change his life forever. He obviously had no second thoughts then, and she can only hope that he won't have them when he wakes up. All that matters to her right now is that they are both here and as if conceding with Castle's decision it seems fate has given them another chance.

She's not sure how long she stands there before the toll of this day finally catches up with her. She reluctantly releases his hand to pull a chair over and then quickly reestablishes that connection with him as she sits. Martha and Alexis return with her coffee and after some mild persuasion she convinces them to go get some rest, with a promise that she will call them if he wakes. They bid her goodnight with a promise to return first thing in the morning unless they hear from her.

She talks to him now, knows he probably can't hear her, but it's more for her anyway. She tells him about the day, whispers her thanks to him over and over, promises him that she is in this now and that she isn't going anywhere. It eases her guilt a little, slows the rapid thumping her heart has been doing since he pushed her out of the way. He is still here, death didn't take him, and she takes it as a sign, closes her eyes and whispers another quiet _thank you_. She rests her head on the bed, traces each of his fingers with her own and eventually the pull of sleep lulls her under.

She is startled awake by the ringing of her phone, jerking upright to fish it out of her pocket. She answers as she stands, and takes another look at Castle before she slips into the hall.

"Beckett, it's Ryan. Just wanted to check in with you. How is he?"

'He's alive, Ryan. Still hasn't regained consciousness but he's alive, that's all that matters right now."

"Glad to hear, but uh listen, Beckett, I have some bad news."

She takes in a sudden breath, she's not sure she can handle anything else involving the word bad today.

"What is it?"

"We found the gun the sniper used, it was wiped clean, CSU found no prints at all. We have no leads for the time being."

She was afraid of that. This isn't going to be easy to solve, then again when is her life ever easy?

"Okay thanks for updating me, Ryan, I know you and Espo are doing all you can. I really appreciate everything and I know Castle would too."

"Were not giving up, Beckett. The guy that shot Castle is still out there, and the shot was meant for you, so until we figure this out, neither of you are safe. We're going to have a protective detail put on you both for now. I'll call if anything else pops."

"I know. Thank you again. I'll be there as soon as I can to help. I'll talk to you soon."

Sighing, she places her phone back in her pocket. She feels the weight of this day now more than ever, knows she is only still functioning because of the coffee in her system. Her head is beginning to pound and she knows sleep is what she needs. She won't sleep long, wants to be sure she's there for him when he wakes, wants him to know she's in this just as much as he is. Making her way back across the room to his bed, she has to stop suddenly. A soft gasp leaves her mouth as she is met with the cloudy, still slightly out of it, stare of his beautiful blue eyes.


	4. Chapter 4: Acceptance

**A/N:** Thank you again for the awesome response I have received to this story and for the lovely reviews! I understand now what those reviews mean to the writer, they keep us fueled, and inspired to write more. So that being said, keep them coming :) This chapter is a good bit longer than my others so far, and please know that I already know where I am taking this, so stick with me when you get to the end. I promise there will be no kidnapping of Kate or anything along those lines, however I did label it 'angst' for a reason. I do promise a happy ending, but I don't promise an easy journey. Thanks again to my beta, Bec, she makes all of this possible as always couldn't do it without her.

**Disclaimer: **Still don't own them, just giving them something to do. :)

* * *

**Chapter 4: Acceptance**

She's waging a war within herself right now. She desperately wants to run to him, hold him close to her, place her lips over his and melt into him. She wants to show him how much he truly means to her, wants him to know that what he has done for her means more than anything. Instead, she closes the distance between them, stops at the side of his bed, and reaches for his hand. He's already hurting; she doesn't want to cause him any more pain.

"Kate..." He breathes out her name, his voice still heavy with sedation and rough from not being used for a while. Her heart beats rapidly in her chest; she was afraid she would never hear his voice again, didn't realize exactly how scared she was until now.

"Oh Castle…" She chokes out his name as the tears begin to flow freely from her eyes. She can't stop them now, not when he is here, awake, looking at her like that. He tightens his grip on her hand and she begins to sob, the grief of the day finally taking its toll. The dam breaks free and the sobs wrack her small frame and she wants nothing more than to crawl into his lap, hold him close to her and breathe in the reassurance that he is here. There will be a time for that though, for now he tightens his hold on her, anchors her, and waits her out.

She knows she needs to call his mother and daughter, but she wants just a few more minutes alone with him, can't help the selfishness she's currently feeling. She's trembling with the need to lay herself bare to him, but now is not the time. He needs to be alert for that conversation and so she chokes down the need for now, and settles for talking softly to him instead.

He's looking at her a little more clearly now, and she wonders what's going through his mind. Suddenly she thinks back to those last few seconds in the cemetery. His eyes were already closed when she whispered _those words_, but there's a chance he could have heard her, and a chance he already knows the strength of her feelings for him. He hasn't mentioned anything about it, but then again he's not really fully awake yet either. Her heart pounds violently in her chest and she looks at him, tries to get a read on what he's feeling.

"Castle, I'm so glad you're okay." She's swiping at the tears on her face, his presence anchoring her again for now, and she waits for him to speak.

"Kate, I thought I was going to lose you. I saw something shining in the sunlight, registered what was about to happen, and did the only thing I knew I could do."

"Castle, you saved my life, you could have been killed, I don't know what I would have done if I lost you. Oh, God, Castle, you took a bullet for me, I can't even, I just…"

"Kate." He stills her with the caress of his thumb over her hand. "I am still here, you didn't lose me. We're both still here."

She smiles at him now, and he returns it, sighing as he relaxes back into the bed. She wants so badly to ask him if he remembers, if he heard her, but he's tired, she knows he's been through a lot today, so she eases back. She'll ask him later, when he's rested. His eyes are closed again and she takes this moment to slide her phone from her pocket. She pulls up Martha's number and rises, to call his family, when his grip on her hand tightens.

"Kate, don't go, please." He mostly mumbles the words, is barely audible, but somehow she understands him.

"Castle, I'm not leaving. I am here, I promise. I'm just going to step outside and call your mother and Alexis. I promised them I would call when you woke up. I'll be right back."

She leans down and kisses his cheek before she can stop herself, but if it bothers him he makes no notion of it. She makes her way into the hallway and calls his mother.

She hangs up a few minutes later, Martha and Alexis are on their way and she wants to savor these last few minutes alone with him. He's watching her when she comes back in the room, and she sees the tension ease from him as she sinks back down by his side. He seems mentally unaffected so far, and she is grateful for that, but she knows it's still early, doesn't want to get her hopes up too much yet. He seems to have no regrets, not that she thinks he would regret saving her life, but this is going to have long-term effects on him. That's what she worries about now, how this will affect him, will affect _them_. She reaches for his hand again, smiles as he closes his eyes and she enjoys this quiet moment, the calm before the storm.

Castle rests peacefully and Kate watches him while they wait for Martha and Alexis to arrive. His eyes flutter open when he hears their voices, a small smile forming on his face when he sees them. Kate releases his hand and moves to the side so they can get to him. They shower him with light hugs and kisses and words of affection. She watches from the side, admires this beautiful, strong family. She can't help but feel that guilt as she thinks about how he almost left them, that he chose her life above them. No one has ever cared for her like that before, and it overwhelms her.

It's been hours since she has had any real sleep, and her body is starting to protest. This time it's Martha who does the persuading, finally talking her into going home to get some rest. She is reluctant to leave, doesn't want to spend another night away from him but she needs to rest, needs to refuel before she opens her heart to him. His mother motions for Alexis to follow her into the hall and they give Kate a minute alone with Castle.

She sees the concern in his eyes as she approaches his side. He doesn't want her to go and that feeling has never been more mutual. The machine he is hooked to registers his increased heart rate and she runs her fingers through his hair to soothe him. The shooter is still on the loose, and she knows that's what he's thinking, can see it all over his face.

"Castle, Ryan called earlier, they've put a protective detail on both of us, okay? I'm just going to go get some sleep and I'll be back first thing in the morning."

He sighs but she sees him relax a little.

"Kate, please be careful okay?"

She can only think of one word to say back to him, _their_ word.

"Always."

She leans down to kiss his cheek again, wants desperately to touch her lips to his, but they aren't there yet, so she pushes her desire away, kisses his cheek and offers him a smile before turning and leaving the room.

The ride to her apartment is uneventful and she's thankful for that. She isn't sure how she makes it to her door without falling over, she doesn't remember ever being this exhausted in her life. She plans to make it to the bed, to strip out of her clothes and the remnants of the day, but she can only make it as far as her couch – where she's asleep within seconds.

She sleeps soundly, waking in the morning when the sun hits her face. For a minute she thinks maybe she's just had a nightmare, until she looks down and sees the blood stains on her pants and reality comes crashing back down on her. It's _his_ blood that's on her pants, innocent blood, blood that saved her life. She's drowning now and she needs more than anything to get these clothes off, to wash away the horrible memory from her body. _He's alive_, she repeats to herself as she strips off her clothes and steps into the shower.

He's sitting upright when she makes it back to his room. He looks extremely tired and in a great deal of pain but he seems much more alert now. She is greeted with a hug from Martha and a small smile from Alexis and they elect to go get breakfast while she sits with Castle. She crosses the room and sinks down into the chair next to his bed. He looks good in spite of all he's been through.

"How are you feeling, Castle?"

It's out of her mouth before she has time to really think. _W__hy did__she__even ask him that?_

"Oh, you know, pretty good. I thought I'd go run a marathon here in a bit if you'd care to join me?"

That's the Castle she knows and loves. He's sitting in a hospital bed after being shot and yet he still manages to joke with her.

"I'm sorry, Castle, I don't know why I asked that."

He lets out a soft chuckle and she smiles shyly at him. Suddenly she's nervous for where this conversation is going to go next. She doesn't really know what she will do if he doesn't feel the same as her anymore but she won't know until she pursues it. She's in this; she promised his daughter, promised herself.

"Castle-"

"Kate-"

They both laugh as they speak at the same time, but she wants to do this while she's sure of herself, so she tries again.

"Castle, listen, I just want-"

"Kate." He cuts her off this time and she looks at him questioningly, ready to protest, but he's talking again before she can. "Kate, you don't have to do this. I didn't save your life so that I could get something in return. You don't owe me anything, okay?"

No, she thinks, she has to tell him, has to show him what he has done for her; he's done more than just save her life, he's saved her in every way possible.

"Castle, wait, I know I don't owe you anything but I still want to thank you for what you did. No one has ever done anything like that for me before. You saved my life in more ways than you could ever know."

"That's what partners do, Kate, have each other's backs no matter what. I have no regrets and I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

"Castle, you have a family that loves you, you have so much going for you in life, why would you risk that for me?"

She knows why she asked that, she's giving him a chance to say it, wants to see if he still feels that way, wants to know if he knows she feels it back.

"I guess I didn't really think about all of that at the time. You were about to be shot, Kate, and I didn't really think, I just acted."

She just stares at him for a moment; she still can't fathom why he would risk his life for her. This sweet, caring, selfless man never ceases to surprise her. She must take too long to answer because he is speaking again before she can open her mouth.

"Kate, I will never regret the choice I made. I stepped in front of that bullet for a reason, to save your life. Please don't beat yourself up for it. You were worth it."

She nods to him as her eyes fill with tears, she can't help it now, she loves him so much, is so thankful to him. She reaches down to take his hand again but she startles when he pulls away. She glances up at him with a confused look on her face - but it's fleeting, his next words bringing clarity.

"Kate, I appreciate you being here last night and you coming back to see me this morning, but shouldn't you be with Josh? He's my doctor after all, and I wouldn't want him to walk in here and think something is going on."

She sighs as he pulls away; she sees the hurt in his eyes as he says those words and _oh, oh! _He doesn't know yet; she hasn't had a chance to tell him.

"Castle, Josh and I broke up, last night. He's a good guy and he saved your life and I will forever be thankful to him for that but he isn't right for me, he isn't what I need. You are."

She can see the surprise on his face, and her heart begins to pound loudly in her chest as she waits for his reaction.

"Kate, I uh, are you sure? This isn't just something you think you have to do because I saved your life? I want you, I have for a long time but I don't want it to happen because you feel obligated to me."

She knew he might react this way, can see why he would think that, but he couldn't be further from the truth and she needs to make him see that.

"Castle, while I will admit that what you did for me has opened my eyes, it's not what you did that made this decision for me. I've known for a while that Josh and I weren't working, because I wasn't committed to the relationship. I couldn't commit, because I care about someone else, because I want someone else. My heart chose who it wanted a while back and I've ignored it for too long. I want you, Castle. I wanted you before, I want you now, and I will never stop wanting you."

She wanted to add I love you in there too, but he's looking a bit overwhelmed at the moment and she doesn't want to push him away. She knows he cares about her but she isn't sure how much deeper those feelings still go. If he heard her in the cemetery he's made no mention of it, and she wishes that if he had heard her that he would say. It would make this so much easier for her. She's not good with feelings, not good with communication, when it comes to her heart.

He reaches for her hand now and her heart turns somersaults in her chest. She isn't sure she can look at him; she's afraid of what she might see.

"Kate, look at me, please."

She lifts her head, to find his eyes filled with emotion, and she can't contain hers as the tears continue to spill down her cheeks.

"I can't tell you how long I have wanted to hear you say that. I always hoped that eventually we would stop doing this dance we have perfected and realize we would be good together. I was willing to wait, Kate, and I'm glad I did. I have never wanted someone so much in my life, and if you're sure about this, then I'm in. We can take it slow, see what happens but I need you to know that I am committed to this, to you."

She's never been so sure of anything in her life, and she could weep for days from the love he has shown her already.

"Castle, I'm in this, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, ever. I love you."

The words leave her mouth before she can stop them. She didn't mean to put so much on him so soon but she has just never felt this way about anyone before. She has to make sure he knows.

"Oh Kate, I love you too. I have for so long now."

She's crying again, can't help the flood of emotion, and he's tugging on her hand, trying to get her to move towards him without straining himself. And when her lips meet his, she knows without a doubt that this is it for her. She's just as addicted to him as he is to her and she never wants to stop to kissing him. When they finally pull back for air, she climbs carefully into the bed beside him and they just hold on to each other for a while, their connection stronger than ever.

She's not sure when she drifted off but she is startled awake when the door to his room opens. She sits up, expecting to find Martha and Alexis, and is taken by surprise when she sees that it's Josh. He looks angry at first, seeing them so close together, but he quickly changes his expression when Castle opens his eyes. She makes a move to get up but Castle squeezes her hand so she stays where she is, looking away from Josh.

"Mr. Castle, how is your level of pain right now?"

"It's pretty intense right now but I guess that is to be expected, right?"

"Yes, I'll increase your pain meds. I want to keep you a few more days and then we can talk about your recovery process and your rehab, okay?"

"Thank you, Dr. Davidson. I appreciate everything you've done."

Josh gives a slight nod, and shows no signs of emotion as he turns to leave the room. Kate gives a sigh of relief that there was no confrontation between the three of them. She hopes it stays that way. Little does she know, Josh has other plans.


	5. Chapter 5: Doubt

**A/N: **I am so happy that you are enjoying this story! These characters practically write themselves and I love that fact. Thank you for sticking with me and continuing to leave encouraging reviews! The next few days will be busy for me but I will try to have the next chapter out soon! Once again, thank you to my beta, Bec, who is sticking with me and smiling about it. :)

**Disclaimer: **Still not mine, just borrowing them for a little while.

* * *

**Chapter 5: Doubt**

The next few days pass relatively easy. Although he is in a great deal of pain, Castle is moving around a little more each day and they are hoping he can be released soon. Tomorrow he will receive a thorough evaluation and if all is well he will be released with an intensive plan of rehab and follow up appointments.

Kate hasn't left his side since the morning they made their confessions to each other. She has opted to sleep in the chair by his bed, stepping away only to freshen up in the bathroom. She still can't contain the need, that feeling of wanting to be with him constantly, is still getting used to it

They haven't talked about his rehab; she knows it's going to be difficult for him, knows he is going to need support, but she doesn't want to smother him either. He has made comments that he wants to do most of it from his house in the Hamptons, and part of her agrees because she knows he'll be safer there. The other part of her doesn't want him to go, wants him to be in her sight as much as possible. She won't be able to stay with him as much if he goes out there, but he hasn't really asked her to go with him anyway. This is where things get hazy for them; the line between where they are and where they are going is still unknown to her. That's a conversation that needs to happen, and it needs to happen soon.

The day of his evaluation she reluctantly has to leave him to go to the precinct. Ryan had called to tell her that their new captain was starting and the entire precinct was to be present for a meeting. She kisses him on the cheek before she leaves, he stills her before she can pull back and brings her lips to his for a soft kiss. His kisses still rapidly increase her heart rate and she pulls away with a smile. With a promise that she will see him later she heads out the door as the nurse comes in to take him for the evaluation. If all goes well and he is released she hopes to be back in time to be there with him. If he will allow her, she will be there for every step of this, will be there for him for the rest of their lives.

* * *

Castle's evaluation goes well and after several tests he is ushered back to him room to await release papers and his final instructions from his doctor. Kate has already gathered all of his things into a bag so he has nothing to do but relax while he waits. When Dr. Davidson finally enters his room, he looks up with a smile, prepared to thank the doctor for all he has done for him. He was never a huge fan of the guy mainly due to the fact that he was dating Kate but he has saved his life and all grudges he held for the man have slowly dissolved away. He hasn't seen a reaction from him after hearing that he and Kate broke up, but he thinks the man has just accepted that Kate's heart lies somewhere else. Josh, on the other hand, has not accepted anything. The beginning of the conversation leaves no indication as to where it will lead and Castle has no time to prepare himself.

"Mr. Castle, I have looked over your charts and it seems you are well enough to go home. I've enclosed in this packet instructions for your rehab, wherever you chose to do it, and your next appointment."

Castle slowly stands to shake the doctor's hand, and is about to thank him for all he has done when he is cut off by the doctor's next words.

"You think you're something, don't you? Risk your life for hers so that she will fall into your arms and you'll live happily ever after? You're all out of ways to impress her and this is all you could come up with? You couldn't stand the fact that she was already in a relationship, couldn't just leave it alone, leave her alone? She's only doing this because she feels like she has to. She doesn't have feelings for you, she's just blinded by the situation. She thinks there is no other choice than to be with you because of what you did. She'll start to see it soon enough, will start to resent you. She didn't want to break up with me, you know? Said she was just doing what she had to do. So you just remember that when you are with her, remember who she really wants to be with. She'll tell you it's you because that's what she thinks she has to say, but it will all be a lie. Remember that."

He wants to scream, wants to yell, wants even more to lunge himself at the doctor but he can't do any of that, not just because he physically can't but because it's not who he is. He can't bring himself to do anything but stare at the doctor, and he knows that Josh registers the minute it really hits him, the doubt that she doesn't really love him. With a look of victory that Castle doesn't quite register, Josh flings the papers onto the bed and walks out of the room. Castle can only stand there now, his thoughts threatening to drown him. He didn't want to admit he had any doubts about her, about _them_, but the fact is he had wondered if she was just doing this because she felt obligated, couldn't get the thought out of his mind. She has reassured him she was in this before the cemetery, but now, he doesn't know what to believe. It is too much, the searing pain in his chest roaring to life stronger than ever, he needs to get out of here, has to get away from everything. He just needs to breathe.

* * *

The meeting at the precinct goes longer than Kate expected. The new captain is strict, to say the least, and she knows this will be nothing like what it was with Captain Montgomery. Captain Victoria Gates is known as none other than 'Iron Gates' and Kate can already see she holds that reputation well. Before she can leave she has to brief Gates on the case they are currently working and fill her in on who Castle is to the team. Gates makes it clear that she is not pleased about the fact that Castle shadows her team but seems to tolerate it for the time being given the situation. Kate manages to get approval for a few days off to help Castle settle wherever he chooses and it's mainly due to the fact that she never takes time off. When things get tough in her life she usually buries herself in her work, this time she refuses to allow herself to do that.

Finally, she is in her car, heading back to the hospital, when her phone rings - and she answers to find a distraught Martha on the other end.

"Katherine, did you pick Richard up already from the hospital? Alexis and I arrived to help him but he is already gone, the nurse says he checked out about twenty minutes ago."

Knowing that he couldn't drive himself, Kate's breath hitches as she tries to grab hold of what Martha is saying.

"No, Martha. I just left the precinct. I'm on my way to the hospital now, and I told him I would be back to be with him when he got released. How is he gone?"

"Something must have happened, this isn't like him, he wouldn't just check himself out and leave after getting shot in the chest. We have to find him. I've tried calling him, he's not answering."

"Martha, I'm sure he's okay. There's an explanation for this, you check around the hospital one more time and I'll meet you at the loft."

She remains calm on the phone, but the minute she hangs up, panic begins to set in. She bypasses the hospital, turning towards his loft in hopes that he will be there. When she had left him things were fine, he seemed to be in good spirits and she had promised him she would be back. She can't figure out what could have happened in the time she was away from him to make him do this. They were doing so well, finally making progress and shifting through the rubble of her walls. She doesn't want to go backwards, doesn't want to lose him. She thinks back over the events that have led them here, replays the last few days in her mind. And then it hits her, why it was too easy when she was breaking it off with him, why he didn't react when he saw her in the room with Castle. There is only one thing she can think of that would have had a chance to play out while she was away from him, one thought that has her turning her car around and heading back towards the hospital. She won't lose him now, won't let this stop them from the ending they deserve. She will fix this, right after she deals with a certain doctor.

She tries calling Castle's phone multiple times on her drive back to the hospital, she just needs to hear his voice, needs know he is okay. That's not really fair, of course he isn't okay, he's in pain and if what she thinks has happened has really happened then he's in pain in more ways than one. He's not answering, and she tosses the phone into the passenger seat, frustrated, as the angry tears begin to form in her eyes. She enters the hospital on a mission, makes her way to her intended target far faster than she realizes and as she turns the corner, there he is, sitting in his office with a smug look on his face that she instantly wants to smack off. She'll be damned if she goes easy on him now, he saved Castle's life but what he's done now is totally unacceptable. She doesn't even know the extent of what he's done yet but the look on his face says it all. Castle is currently MIA and he plays a major role in it.

She doesn't bother to knock, he should be waiting for this by now anyway, Kate Beckett doesn't play nice, she never has and she certainly isn't now. She barrels through the door with enough force to knock it off its hinges, and the anger rips out of her as she utters the words,

"Josh, what have you done?"


	6. Chapter 6: Blame

**Disclaimer: **Will never own them, but they won't get out of my head so I write about them instead :)

* * *

**Chapter 6: Blame**

The expression on Josh's face as he looks up serves as all the confirmation she needs. This thing with her and Castle has never been easy but none of them need this added stress. Josh has crossed a line; she never thought he would do anything like this, but the universe seems to enjoy testing them.

"What did you say to Castle?" She demands an answer from him. He's going to tell her exactly what he said to him and then, after she puts him in his place, she's going to find Castle and fix this.

"Everything you're thinking but will never say. You're only doing this because of what he did, Kate. If the feelings you claim to have for him are really that strong you would have broken up with me long before this. It's better this way, he needed to know the truth and now you don't have to pretend, now you can just be with me. If anything you should be thanking me. I did you a favor."

She's never been this infuriated in her life; she's not even sure she can respond to him without drawing the attention of the entire hospital.

"You did me a favor?" She spits the words out as she takes a step towards him. "Is that how you are justifying this to yourself? What the hell were you thinking? This is my life, mine, you don't get to decide anything. These are_ my_ choices to make. You are way out of line here, Josh. I can't even believe you did this. I may have deserved some type of retaliation but Castle certainly didn't, not after everything he's been through, not at all actually. Yes he loves me, but he didn't force me to love him back. I am sorry that I wasn't honest with you from the beginning about my feelings but it's done now. We are over, got it?"

She had initially felt bad about the way she had ended things with Josh, but she's so beyond upset now that the man before her holds no resemblance to the one she had once cared about. She had never loved him, although she had tried; he had been good to her while they were together. She had become convinced, after her mom was killed, that happy endings didn't exist, made herself believe that hers would never come. Castle had brought hope back to her life. He had taught her that life can be so much more. He showed her that the light at the end of the tunnel is always there, and, no matter how far you are from it, you just need to look forward to see it.

Josh is on his feet, and moving towards her now. She's not sure what to do, not sure what he is about to do.

"Kate, please, don't do this. Don't walk away from us. We were good together, we can be even better. Stop lying to yourself and let Castle go. I've already done the hard part, the rest is easy."

He's right in front of her now, inches from her face, and before she can register what he is going to do his lips are grazing hers.

She pushes him back before the kiss can deepen, using more force than she intended. The door handle juts into his back, and his eyes widen in surprise, and hurt. And then it's her turn to be in his face.

"What the hell Josh? How could you even possibly think that I would be okay with that?"

"Kate, I just thought that, maybe if I kissed you, you would realize you still want me."

"How could I still want you after what you've done? You've hurt the most caring man I know. You need to listen and listen close, we are _over_. Don't touch me again, stay out of my life, and leave Castle alone. I am going to try to find him and fix this - and you better hope that I _can_."

She throws him a glare that could give anyone chills and storms from his office. She races to her car, desperate to find the man she loves.

She still can believe the events of the last few days. Her entire world has been turned upside down, and the only thing that was turning it back around was the hope that her and Castle were finally going to be together. Now even that is screwed up and she's not sure how much more she can take. The hope dissipates with each second she is away from Castle. She's not even sure Castle will listen to her now; he obviously isn't thinking straight, because she can't imagine him listening to Josh otherwise. She just hopes she can find him before he convinces himself that she really doesn't love him.

She makes it to the loft in record time, doesn't really care that she may have abused her position as a police officer to do so. He means more to her than anything right now and finding him is her top priority. She's hopeful that this is where he has gone, but one look at Martha's face when she opens the door diminishes any remaining hope. Her heart sinks as she enters the loft; she knows she should tell Martha and Alexis what happened between Castle and Josh but she can't bring herself to do so. She can't handle any more disappointment right now. This is her fault and she will own up to it, right after she finds him.

It's clear that he hasn't been to the loft. Nothing has been moved or taken and his cars are still in the parking garage. They've checked with the front desk of the building and no one has seen him. Alexis has called everywhere and everyone she can think of, to no avail. Martha is pacing the loft and Kate is at a loss for what to do next. If Alexis couldn't find anyone that's seen him, she's not sure there's much hope for her. Now she is really starting to worry, not only did he leave the hospital upset and injured, he also managed to ditch the protective detail they had on him. The person that shot him is still on the loose and Castle is out there somewhere in a condition that is entirely her fault. If anything happens to him now she will never forgive herself.

Meanwhile, several blocks away, a masked man sits in an undisclosed location, with a perfect view of the city. While he missed his intended mark the first time, he is pleased with the way things have turned out. The writer has been in the way for far too long now and he only wishes he had taken him out completely. Looking out at the busy street, something catches his attention and he leans forward to have a closer look. The smirk on his face grows to a full grin as he realizes who is currently limping right into his path. There is no denying who it is, the pain clearly written on his face as he moves. This could be his chance to remove Richard Castle from the equation once and for all.

* * *

**A/N: **Before you plot to kill me in some creative way, let me start by saying there will be no character death, and that Chapter 7 is almost finished and will most likely be posted tomorrow! It will be from Castle's pov so you will get some perspective on how he is feeling right now. Thank you again for the amazing response to this story. I have some great ideas on where I am taking it and I am excited to bring you along for the journey! Stick with me, it will be worth it! :) As always thank you to my beta, Bec, she keeps me on track and sane, although her sanity may be wavering when this story finishes, lol. I am forever thankful to her for sticking with me!


	7. Chapter 7: Pain

**A/N: **Wow, once again thank you for the amazing response to this story! This is my first time ever writing for something like this and your reviews have been such an encouragement to me! I will work on responses to each one of you asap. As promised, this chapter is from Castle's POV. I hope you enjoy it, and please remember that I labeled the story as angst/romance, so we have to get through the angst first. The harder the journey, the sweeter the ending. :) I need to give a huge shout out and thank you to Angie ( dtrekker) on twitter for her amazing art work for this story. She is awesome! And another huge thank you to my beta, Bec, who ensures these chapters make sense :) Find me on twitter if you wish, xx00meg00xx

**Disclaimer:** If Marlowe ever contacts me about rights, there will be no hesitation. For now I am just borrowing them.

* * *

**Chapter 7: Pain**

He realized this was a bad idea, several steps ago, but he can't bring himself to stop walking. His feet seem to be on auto pilot and the rest of his body can only follow along. He's been running on an emotional high since he left the hospital, driven by the sole need to escape everything. He is trying desperately to forget the past few days, but there is one thought that he can't escape no matter how hard he tries. One person who's name is now a part of him. _Kate._

He thought he had believed her when she confessed her feelings to him. When he had woken in his hospital bed to find her there, the joy that had overtaken him was indescribable. His heart, despite its current condition, had created a pattern that could only be for her. He hadn't realized how much doubt still lingered in the back of his mind. It was all too easy to believe Josh. It made perfect sense, why she had never told him she had feelings for him before, why she broke up with Josh while he was still unconscious. It all tied in to the point Josh had made: she felt obligated. Even now his choice to take the bullet for her seems like an attempt to win her heart. Deep down he knows that's not why he did it, he would save her life again and again and never expect anything in return. The truth is she's in his veins and he can't get her out.

He didn't even stick around to give her a chance to explain. He just couldn't bear the thought of looking at her while she confirmed what Josh had said. His heart had survived a gun shot, but he wasn't sure it would survive Kate. It's that last thought that finally snaps him out of his wandering. The searing pain that cuts through him has his knees buckling in a matter of seconds and he's not even sure how he has made it this far. It's sheer luck that he managed to get past the protective detail, and he's even more surprised that they haven't found him yet. The burning in his chest is even worse than the pain he had felt when the bullet entered. He can hardly breathe the pain is so intense and it doubles him over as he clings to a nearby wall. He knows he won't make it any farther, knows he's not leaving this spot without some help. He somehow manages to pull his phone from his pocket, only to find that the battery is dead.

He has no other choice but to try and make it to a phone or to wait here in hopes that someone will find him, but the next step he attempts to take sends him crumpling to the ground. He can't move, can't think, can only attempt to breathe as the pain completely overwhelms him. His only hope now is that his friends will find him before the shooter does.

* * *

_This is almost too easy, _the man thinks to himself. Not only has Richard Castle stumbled right to him, he's now slumped on the ground and in perfect shooting range. This will be all the leverage he needs to finally take Kate Beckett out as well. He lines up his shot, preparing to take Castle out once and for all. Just as he is about to pull the trigger, the sound of sirens has him pulling back quickly. He could still take the shot, it would definitely hit its target, but his chances for escape would be slim. There are now several police officers surrounding Castle and he curses as his opportunity slips away. This is proving to be a real problem. He needs a new plan and then he's going to finish the job.

* * *

Luck, that's what it comes down to. Only seconds before the shot that was going to end Richard Castle's life, his slumped over form is spotted by Ryan and Espo. He's so focused on the pain he barely hears his name being called before he glances up to see them standing over him. He's never been so thankful in his life to see them; he mutters something about them being life savers not realizing how true that statement really is. It's complete agony as they help him into the police cruiser and finally head towards his loft. Their reprimands of how dangerous it was for him to be out on the streets in his condition are barely audible to him as the pain floods his mind and he closes his eyes for the rest of the ride.

They arrive at the loft and Castle can't help the groan of pain that he releases as they practically carry him up to his door. He's appreciative of their help, knows he never would have made that walk on his own. He knows there is a storm waiting for him behind that door. Ryan had called Martha once they had him in the car to let her know he was safe and that they were bringing him home. Castle could hear her cries of relief and bouts of anger through the phone. Right now the only thing he really wants is to lay in his bed and sleep. He wants to forget everything even if it's only temporary. The sooner he faces his mother and daughter, the sooner he can do just that.

He isn't sure where Kate is, hasn't dared to ask anyone. Truthfully he doesn't want to see her right now, and he isn't sure when that feeling will change. He can only imagine her reaction when she found out he was no longer at the hospital waiting for her. He is sure she figured it out, she is a detective after all, but since she wasn't the one who found him, he can't help but think she must not have been looking for him either. If anything she had probably found Josh and got back together with him. He really needs to stop thinking about her, the added pain is too much right now. And if he's being completely honest with himself losing her now, after thinking that she was finally his, may be the final straw for him.

As they finally make it through the door of his loft, he is met with a frantic but relieved Martha. Her scolds of him scaring them, and to never do something like that again, are filled with love and concern and he loves her all the more for it. She makes it clear to him that one near death experience is quite enough for their family, not knowing how close it came to being two. Alexis is upset as well as she hugs him in a soft embrace, but it's clear that her relief of having him home is overriding her anger. He tried to reassure them that he is fine, but after hearing the state that Ryan and Espo found him in everyone is waiting for an explanation. He can't bring himself to tell them all the truth right now, saying it out loud will just confirm it even more, so he tries to get by with saying as little as he can.

"I just needed to get out of there. The pain was intense but my need for fresh air took over. The next thing I knew I was several blocks from the hospital and the pain was becoming increasingly worse. I collapsed to the ground and was going to call someone when I discovered that my battery was dead. A few minutes later the boys found me."

Although they all nod in acceptance of his explanation, none of them believe that is all that has happened.

"I am sorry I scared you all, I shouldn't have left like that. I guess I'm not really thinking straight. I'm home now though and, if you all don't mind, I'd just like to go to bed."

His strength, what little he has left, is clearly fading and he knows it's only a matter of time before he breaks down. When he does, he'd like to be in the privacy of his room. So with the help of his daughter, he makes his way towards his room, bidding the guys goodnight and thanking them for all they have done. His mother walks the detectives out, voicing her thanks to them as well.

Only a few steps remain between him and the comfort of his bed. The thought of finally drifting off to sleep has him wanting to get there even faster. He barely registers that his daughter is speaking, misses most of what she is saying before he catches the last word. And before he can react or ask her to repeat what she's just said, he sees her. Kate is there, standing in his bedroom, of all places. _Why is she here_, he thinks to himself before he realizes it's actually coming out of his mouth.

"Beckett, what are you doing here?"

His daughter grips his side a little tighter and quietly clears her throat to remind him she is still there. He asks her to give them a few minutes and she helps him over to the bed before she leaves him alone with Kate.

She's made no move towards him, is still standing in the same spot, staring at him. The look on her face is pushing him even closer to breaking and he has to tear his eyes away from her.

"Castle, I… Where have you been? I was so worried."

He can't do this now, can't bear to hear her concern for him after everything that has happened. He can't listen to her voice anymore and he desperately needs to get her out of his room before he loses it.

"Kate, I can't do this right now, it hurts too much."

He means that in more ways than one but, if she catches it, she makes no move to acknowledge it.

"Castle, please, I was on my way back to the hospital when I got the call from Martha saying you were gone. Where did you go?"

He doesn't owe her an explanation, and the fact that she is asking for one is only fueling the fire building inside him.

"Did you even look for me?"

He can hear her hesitation without looking at her.

"Castle, I went to the hospital, I went to talk to Josh."

And that's all it takes. If he wasn't in so much pain right now he would no longer be sitting here. The need to get away from her is only growing stronger. He can't handle being in the same room with her any longer.

"Get out, Beckett." It comes out harsh, and he means it, but his voice softens a little with his next words. "Please, I can't have this conversation right now. Go back to Josh, or whatever you want, just leave."

He can hear her moving, only it's not away from him, she's walking closer to him and his breath hitches as he tries to move father onto the bed. He cries out in pain before he can stop himself and her hands are on him before he can stop her.

"Don't touch me. Just go."

He is breaking; he doesn't have the strength to ask her again, and she just needs to leave him alone. He closes his eyes and turns away from her. If she wants to say anything, she must think better of it because he hears footsteps, the sound of his door closing, and she's gone.

He manages to calm himself down, willing the dam to hold just a little longer. He hears his door open again and looks over to find his daughter cautiously coming towards him.

"Uh, Dad, I just wanted to check on you. I heard you yell and then Detective Beckett ran past me without saying a word. What happened? I thought things were okay with you two. Is that why you disappeared earlier?"

"Not tonight, pumpkin, please." He's pleading with her to leave it alone for now, but he loves her for being so caring. "I promise I will explain later, I just need some rest right now, okay?"

"Okay. I brought you your pain medicine and some water. Get some rest and I'll check on you in a few hours, okay?"

"Thank you, pumpkin. I love you."

"I love you too, Dad."

He smiles as she leaves his room, and he sighs to himself as he is finally left alone. He takes his pain meds and tries to find a comfortable position, but he's beginning to think that's never going to happen again. His last coherent thought as he nods off to sleep is how much he loves Kate, and no matter what happens, no matter how much pain, he will always love her.


	8. Chapter 8: Broken

**A/N: **Once again, thank you so much for all of the amazing feedback on this story! Just a few things I wanted to let you know :) This chapter is now back to Kate's POV. Also my beta is going to be away for several days so there won't be an update until she gets back. I am going to continue to write while she is gone, I just won't be posting until she is back to read over them. The good news is, I should have several chapters ready to go by then so I will post them more frequently after that. Stick with me, I'll be back soon. :)

**Disclaimer: **No, just no.

* * *

**Chapter 8: Broken**

She's not sure how she even makes it back to her car before she breaks down. She ran out of the loft so fast, she didn't give anyone around her a chance to react. She wrenches her car door open and sinks into the seat just as she completely breaks down. She can't get the look on Castle's face out of her mind, can't stop hearing the things he had said. She knows he isn't thinking clearly but the pain of what he had said still hurts. He wouldn't even give her a chance to explain. She knows she could have pushed, could have forced him to listen to her, but he was already in so much pain. He looked so defeated and she just couldn't stand to put anything else on him tonight.

She wishes she would have worded what she said differently, she knows what he is thinking. He thinks she chose Josh, and the way the conversation went is just adding to the doubts he already had. She's never been good with communication, voicing her feelings is not a strong point of hers. Tonight, when it really mattered, she had once again failed, failed herself and failed him. He's usually the rational one, the one that does the pushing and the reasoning, but his emotional stability is completely off. She screwed everything up. She didn't go back to Josh, she never would, but Castle doesn't know that and she didn't fight to tell him. If she wasn't so horrible at telling people how she feels maybe they wouldn't even be here right now. She just knows that she was no good for him before and she's still not where she wants to be, but he's already so much a part of her that she can't wait any longer to be with him.

He's not in a good place right now and she knows it's probably only going to get worse. His recovery is going to be a long, painful process and it's going to be just as much emotional as it is physical. He's going to need support and she is determined to be that for him, if he will let her. She has to find a way to get through to him, she has to push that final wall down and learn to open up to him. She wants more than anything to go back up to the loft, but she forces herself to drive back to her apartment. She needs to get herself together before she attempts to talk to him again, before she attempts to put them back together.

She makes it through her door and into her room without stopping to change or think. She just wants to escape for a few hours and she hopes that sleep will come easily. Another sob escapes her as she lays there alone in her bed. She hasn't been back here to sleep since the night after Castle was shot. She had hoped her nights here alone were coming to an end, but right now she feels more alone than ever. The memory of him lying on the ground in that cemetery floods her mind and she can't stop the tears now, can't help that overwhelming feeling of how close she came to losing him. She's not sure how long she lays there crying before she finally drifts off to sleep.

Her night is anything but restful as she once again finds herself in that cemetery leaning over Castle as he bleeds out on the ground. It's all the same only this time, when his heart stops in the ambulance, it doesn't start again and as that flat-line sounds she wakes up, screaming his name. She can't stop thinking about how easily real that dream could have been, how close she came to never getting to tell him how she feels. Her heart had been shattered when she had lost her mom, and it had taken years for it to somewhat heal, now it was breaking all over again. She loves Castle, loves that he helped put her back together in a way no one else was ever able to do. She loves that he taught her how to enjoy life again and loves even more that he somehow worked his way inside of her, despite her best efforts to keep him out. Castle has saved her in so many ways and she needs to tell him that. If this thing with them is ever going to have a chance at working, she has to lay it all on the table.

She would never admit this before but she needs him. She needs him in a way that she has never needed anyone else. She can't stand being away from him any longer and she finds herself out of the bed and grabbing her keys. She glances at her phone and sees it's only three in the morning but she doesn't care, she just needs him. It's that very reason she's in her car driving back to the loft, back to him. She knows this isn't going to be easy, knows she is going to have to fight like she's never fought before, but he's worth it, they're worth it.

She's standing at the door to the loft and she's only now realizing that she hasn't really thought this through. It's the middle of the night and she doesn't have a key. Her overwhelming need to be with him seems to be overriding her common sense, but her desperation to fix this has her knocking on the door before she can stop herself. Surprisingly she only has to wait a moment before she hears footsteps and the door opens to reveal a concerned looking Martha Rodgers.

She's not sure how much Castle has told his family but the look on Martha's face tells her she is nothing but concerned at the moment. The older woman steps back to usher her into the loft before motioning to the couch and following her over. She starts speaking before she can stop herself because she needs to fix this and she needs to fix it now.

"Martha, I'm so sorry to show up here at this hour but I couldn't sleep knowing how I left things with Castle. I found myself outside the door before I could think better of it."

"Katherine, dear, I'm not sure what has happened between you and Richard, I only know that it had to have been bad for him to react the way he has."

"I'm sorry, Martha, this is all my fault, all of it. He got shot because of me, he left the hospital because of me, and he is hurting because of me."

She tries to fight the tears as they threaten to spill down her cheek but the wave of emotion is too much and she turns away from Martha as they begin to fall. She doesn't deserve his mother's pity, nor does she want it.

"Katherine, listen to me. Richard is a grown man and he makes his own decisions. He chose to take that bullet for you without the help of anyone else. He wouldn't have done it if he didn't love you and I mean that. You can't blame yourself for this. He survived, and he saved your life and right now that is all that matters to me. As for what happened at the hospital, I am listening if you would like to explain"

She knows she has to start somewhere, maybe if Martha will listen to her, she can help her get Castle to listen as well. So she spends the next half an hour explaining to Martha everything that happened. The woman listens intently to the story without interrupting and as Kate finishes she takes a breath as she waits for Martha's response.

"Oh, dear, I am just so sorry that all of this has happened. Breaking up with Josh and admitting your feelings for Richard was a big step for you. His reaction just proves that you did the right thing. I hate that he reacted the way he did and made things so much more difficult for you both. I can see that you love Richard and I think that if it weren't for his current situation he would have never listened to Josh without coming to you first. I do know that he loves you though and I think you only need to convince him that you are in this for him to come back around. I'm glad that you went back and put Josh in his place. What I want to know now is why didn't Richard give you a chance to explain earlier?"

"I can understand why he ran from the hospital Martha, if anyone understands running it's me. I think Josh knew exactly what he was doing by using Rick's already vulnerable state to his advantage. He ran because he believed it and based off of the choices I have made, I can't blame him. I tried to explain to him what happened earlier but when I mentioned that I had gone to see Josh, he started pulling away and shouting at me to leave. I think he's already convinced himself that I went back to Josh. I wanted to make him listen but he was in so much pain and so upset, I just ran out of there before I could hurt him anymore."

The tears come again and she's pretty sure she's only been this emotional one other time in her life. She tenses up momentarily when she feels Martha's arms wrap around her before melting into her embrace and letting go. It's silent for a few moments before the woman speaks again.

"Katherine, I think one thing is very clear here, you love Richard and I know he loves you. He is hurting and vulnerable and it's going to take some work but I think you are willing to fight and I think it will be worth it in the end. He needs you as much as you need him. You both deserve a happy ending. I'm glad you came back tonight and I'm glad you told me the truth. I'm with you in this and I support you."

She's finally starting to see that glimmer of hope again.

"Thank you, Martha, for listening to me and for giving me a chance. I will make this right, I give you my word."

They release each other with a smile and Martha ensures she knows where the guest room is. She wants to be there when he wakes and she is thankful the woman agrees with her. They bid each other goodnight and she is left alone with her thoughts. She is feeling better now than when she arrived, though she knows the storm is far from over. She starts out towards the guest room but finds herself turning the opposite way, coming to a stop outside Castle's door. She knows she shouldn't but she just has to see him, so she carefully opens his door and slips inside.

For the first time since before he was shot, she thinks, he looks peaceful. The pain she had seen earlier is no longer there while he is sleeping. His presence is all it takes to soothe her and she just stands and watches him a few minutes longer. She finally eases herself into a chair in the corner of his room and makes herself comfortable. She doesn't plan to stay long, just needs these few minutes alone with him in the quiet before she heads up to the guest room. It's only minutes before the darkness of the room and his soft breathing have her drifting off to sleep. It's several hours before the light begins to seep into the room, and she begins to stir. She stretches unconsciously before sitting up and realizing that she must have fallen asleep while watching him. He's still sleeping and she finds herself softly padding across the room to stand beside him.

It's a new day and a new chance for them. She is determined that today will be the first step in their healing process. They are broken, but it's repairable. He once helped her to heal without even realizing it and now she's going to return the favor. Their story hasn't been an easy one, but then again anything worth doing is never easy. It's time to heal, time to start over. She leans forward and runs her fingers through his hair and he begins to stir as she softly whispers, "Castle".


	9. Chapter 9: Healing

**A/N: **I'm back :) Thank you all for sticking with me and waiting patiently for an update. Just a quick reassurance that the angst isn't going to remain as intense as it has been. I am a hopeless romantic at heart so it has been a little harder to write the angst then I thought it would be, however the impact of it is needed to take this story where I want it to go. I hope this chapter renews your hope a little bit, just keep in mind that we still have Castle's recovery to get through. :) Thank you Bec, for continuing to stick with me, I couldn't do this without you!

**Disclaimer:** I am currently waiting for Marlowe to discover me. :)

* * *

**Chapter 9: Healing**

There is a quiet moment as Castle begins to stir, a moment that gives her hope that this will be somewhat easy. When his eyes finally flutter open, and focus on her, that hope quickly vanishes. She tells herself that no matter how he reacts, she will not leave until he has heard her out. Afterwards, if he still wants her to leave, then she will go.

He's staring at her, and she sees the moment it registers to him that she is really here. She backs up a few steps to give him some space, but she holds her ground near the end of his bed. He starts trying to sit up in the bed before the pain hits him and he doubles back over. She steps forward to help him but he glances up and shoots her a glare that has her stepping back to where she was. She hates this, hates that he's in so much pain and it's all her fault. He finally manages to get into a sitting position, that looks completely uncomfortable, and he eases back against the headboard before making eye contact with her again. She's just happy he hasn't ordered her to leave yet, hopes she doesn't change her mind before the conversation is over.

"Kate, what are you doing here? I asked you to leave last night, I said I couldn't do this right now, could you not respect that?"

He isn't speaking harshly, but there is no kindness to his tone either; he sounds defeated and it breaks her heart. She has to fix this.

"Castle, please…I did leave when you asked me to last night, but I couldn't sleep knowing how we left things. There is an explanation for why I went to see Josh. Please just let me explain and then if you still want me to go, I will."

"How did you get back in anyway, and how long have you been here?"

"I came back around three this morning, your mother let me in. I explained everything to her, Castle. She heard me out and I am still here, that has to say something."

She's not really giving him a choice here. He can't really run from her and, as unfair as that is, she is determined to tell him her side of things. If he will just listen to her they might still have a chance.

"Fine, Kate, I'm not making any promises here, but I am listening."

She lets out a little sigh of relief as she prepares herself to tell him what happened. She remains where she is for now, standing seems like more incentive for her to push forward.

"Castle, when I got that call from Martha and found out you were gone, I had no idea what could have happened. When I left you that morning, things were going so well between us, it just didn't make sense that you would disappear. I was trying to figure out what could have happened to make you do something like that. The hospital told Martha that you had checked yourself out, and that's when I started thinking back over the last few days. I had been on my way to the loft so that we could start looking for you, and that's when I remembered the way Josh had looked at us when he came into your hospital room that night. I knew it had to be him, so I turned around and went to the hospital."

"Kate, if this is the part where you tell me that you and Doctor Motorcycle Boy got back together then you can save it. I told you, you have no obligations to me. It's your life, you can do what you want."

He looks away from her then, and she feels like she is losing him before she's even really started to explain.

"Please, Rick… Please don't shut me out, this is the part you need to hear."

Her mention of his first name causes him to look back up at her. She doesn't use it often, but she needs him to know how serious she is about this and it seems to have caught his attention. He doesn't say anything but he gives her a slight nod so she knows that she can continue.

"I went to talk to Josh so that I could find out what he had done. I knew before I even got to his office that he was the reason you were gone. I barged into his office without even knocking and the look on his face said it all. I have never been that mad in my life, Castle. I just wanted to knock him out. He thought he was going to get me back. He was wrong."

He's listening intently now, and she can see he's starting to soften a little, so she continues.

"I asked him what he had done and I demanded an explanation. He said he had told you all of the things that I was really thinking but would never say. He thought he was doing me a favor, Castle, but the only thing he did was hurt the man I love and thoroughly piss me off. You have to believe me when I tell you that he was so wrong about everything. I made sure that he knows how I feel about you, and then I told him to stay out of our lives. He tried to kiss me and I pushed him away, I told him I was going to find you and I walked out. I know I wasn't the one to find you, Castle, but the boys insisted on searching while I went to the loft to talk to Martha and Alexis. When they text me that they had found you, I was so thankful and I just wanted to be here when you got home. I wanted to fix this, to fix us."

She's fighting her emotions again and she gives in this time and lets a tear slide down her cheek. She watches him as he takes in everything she's just said and she wants to get past this so badly. She wants to go back to where they were and then move forward and forget all about Josh. She can't stand here, with so much distance between them, any longer and with slight hesitation she steps forward until she's at the bed. She carefully eases down next to him and takes a deep breath as she waits for him, but the silence is killing her.

"Castle, if you don't hear anything else I say, please hear this. Nothing that Josh said is true, none of it, okay? My feelings for you are one hundred percent honest. I care about you so deeply. You were a part of me before the shooting and I can't imagine my life without you in it. I was just too stubborn to admit it before. You are an amazing man and I don't deserve you, but I need you, Castle, and if you still want me, I will do everything I can to be the woman that you deserve."

He's still silent, and she can't stand it. She needs to know what he's thinking.

"Castle, please say something."

Her heart is pounding so loudly in her chest she wonders if he can hear it.

"I don't understand why he did this, Kate. I would be upset if I lost you too but this was low even for him. I want to believe you, I do, but I can't get what he said out of my head. I need you to know that if you don't want this, if you are only doing it to spare my feelings, that you can tell me. I won't hold it against you. I don't want you to regret anything."

She hates this so much, hates that he has that much doubt in her. If she didn't love him so much she would tell him to find someone better but she just can't walk away. A life without him now would be no life at all. She reaches forward and takes his hand in hers.

"I don't know why Josh did this, or what he thought he was going to accomplish. The truth is though, you were already doubting me before he talked to you, if you hadn't been then his plan would have never worked. It hurts like hell to know that, but I have no one to blame but myself. I should have been honest with everyone from the beginning. I made a mistake but I am trying desperately to fix it. Castle, opening up has never been easy for me, and letting people in is even harder, but you mean so much to me. I am not letting you go without a fight. I will do whatever it takes to prove to you that I'm in this. Falling in love with you wasn't something I expected, but, now, I never want to know what it's like to not love you. Please don't push me away, please."

She's an emotional wreck now and she just doesn't care anymore. If there is one person that she needs to allow to see this side of her, it's him. No more hiding feelings, no more holding back. She told him everything; what happens next is up to him.

"Kate, I'm sorry."

_Oh god, _she can't handle this. _He's sorry? _Even after everything she just told him he's still going to send her away. She starts to pull away from him now, needs that distance back if he's really about to break her heart, but he grips her hand tighter, keeps her where she is.

"Wait, Kate, no… Let me try this again. I'm sorry for all of this. I'm sorry that I listened to Josh and took off without giving you a chance to explain. You're right, I was already doubting you before that and yes it is partly because of the choices you've made but I still should have given you a chance. It's not like me to come to a conclusion without hearing the whole story first, my emotions are just all over the place and this medicine doesn't help with that either. I'm all over the place right now and I apologize for that."

She can't help the little sob that escapes her throat; she thought he was sending her away. She thought he was giving up on them. They really need to work on their communication skills.

"Kate, I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance to explain last night, that wasn't fair of me and you didn't deserve to be treated that way. The pain was so intense by the time I got back here, and I had dwelled on what Josh said so much I let my emotions take over. I can't promise it won't happen again, but I do promise to listen to you. I promise to work through things with you as long as you are willing to be open and work through them with me. I love you and I never want to stop loving you."

Oh this man, he never ceases to amaze her. She is so thankful for another chance for them, so glad that she doesn't have to leave here and walk away from him.

"Castle, I promise, whatever it takes, I'm in this. Thank you, for hearing me out and for believing me. No more apologies, okay? We're here now and we're on the same page, that's all that matters to me."

He gives her a smile and _oh, God, that smile_, she missed it so much. She smiles back and for the first time in hours she feels like things are actually going to work out for them. They are two people who are very much a mess, but they love each other and they are willing to put in the work.

"So, what now, Castle?"

"Well, you could start by kissing me."

He gives her a wink and she can't deny him when he looks at her like that. Plus she's been dying to kiss him ever since she walked back into his room. So she leans forward and softly kisses him, and she can't help the little moan that she lets out. He smiles against her lips as she pulls away and she laughs as she rests her forehead against his.

"Oh, Kate, I can't wait until I can kiss you in a way that shows you just how much you mean to me."

She pulls back to look at him and, with a wink, she whispers back, "Oh, Castle, you have no idea."


	10. Chapter 10 Frustration

**A/N: **I am still overwhelmed at the response this story has received! Thank you for your amazing support and reviews! Keep in mind that this story is going to take our characters to some places they have never been on the show. While I am trying to keep them as 'in character' as possible, I have to go with how I feel they would react on some of it. No spoilers here but when you get to the end of this one, just relax because I have already written chapter 11. :)

**Disclaimer: **Still own nothing, always waiting to be discovered.

**Chapter 10: Frustration**

That night she sleeps better than she has in days. The progress she has made with Castle, and the warm weight of him next to her, are all it takes to lull her into a deep sleep. Castle sleeps soundly next to her and, for the first night since he was shot, he forgets the pain. At some point during the night their hands become tangled together, both seeking that connection that will anchor them. She wakes early the next morning and she takes a moment to thank a higher power for where they are right now. She carefully removes her hand from his and slips out of the bed without waking him.

It's quiet in the loft as she makes her way around his kitchen, preparing coffee and breakfast for him when he wakes. She feels at home here, like she belongs, and it's partly due to how welcoming his family has been. Martha had explained things to Alexis and both women seemed to have forgiven her for waiting so long to pursue Castle. She's been given a second chance, they've been given a second chance, and she's not going to take it for granted. She finishes making breakfast and arranges it along with his coffee and pain meds on a tray before quietly carrying it back to his room.

He's just starting to stir as she places the tray on the table by his bed and she's greeted with a bright smile as his blue eyes flash open and focus on her. It's that smile and that look that causes her knees to go weak; he's such a beautiful man. She leans in and kisses his cheek before helping him into a sitting position. The pain flashes in his eyes and he grips her a little tighter as he finally eases back against the headboard. Seeing him in pain is torture for her, she wishes she could ease it for him. He remains tense for a few minutes and she softly caresses his arm until he relaxes a little and gives her another smile. She leans in and presses her lips to his, whispering, "Good morning," before pulling back.

"Good morning to you too, beautiful. How long have you been up?"

"Not long. I wanted to make you breakfast and coffee and have it ready before you woke up."

He smiles again and reaches down to take her hand.

"Thank you, Kate. I've been bringing you coffee and breakfast for years, it's strange to have the role reversed."

"Well it's the least I could do for what you have done for me."

"Kate, we have already talked about this, you don't owe me anything. I don't want you to think that you have to do things for me for some type of payback."

"I know, Rick, I just hate to see you in so much pain, I want to help you any way I can, okay?"

"You have already helped me more than you know. The thing I wanted most has finally happened; I wanted you and you're here. That's all that I need."

"I'm here, you have me. I'm not going anywhere."

She leans forward to kiss him again, and lets out a soft moan when he deepens the kiss whimpering a little when it ends all too soon. She wants him in ways she can't explain and her need for him only intensifies each time they kiss. Her self-control is going to be put to the test over the next few months, and if the way he is looking at her is any indication, so is his. His recovery is their top priority though, they've waited this long, they can wait a little longer; she wants him to fully be able to participate when they finally take that step.

"Here, Castle, eat your breakfast and take your pain meds. I'm going to take a shower and I'll be back."

She places his tray over his lap and makes sure he has everything he needs before she leaves to take her shower. When she returns, his daughter has already taken his tray and cleaned up the kitchen before heading out to class. She makes her way back to his room and smiles as she enters. He dozed back off while sitting up, but he looks peaceful so she quietly leaves the room to keep from waking him. He's been sleeping a lot, but she knows it's just the medicine he's taking and his body trying to heal.

* * *

The week passes by quickly and things between her and Castle are going better than she imagined. They are talking more than they ever have and the bond between them is only growing stronger. She feels so at home here with him and his family that she can't imagine not being a part of it anymore. She hates that this is her last day off with him, she wants to be there for him for every part of his recovery but she needs to work, needs to find the asshole that shot him and put him behind bars. It's been easy to fall into the routine they have but the truth is that the shooter is still out there and neither of them are safe until he is found. He has his checkup appointment today and they are hoping for a good report. He's been moving around a little more and the pain seems to only come in waves as opposed to constantly. It's mainly when he moves around or stands for too long and she knows it's just going to be a slow process of healing.

She drives him to his appointment and holds onto him as they make their way inside. His appointment is with Dr. White, the cardiologist that he has been referred to. Dr. White will take over his care during his recovery and ensure that he is healing properly. She is thankful that they don't have to see Josh again, although she hasn't decided what she wants to do about him yet. He shouldn't get away with what he did to Castle, or to them. They sign in and wait for Castle's name to be called and a few minutes later an older man emerges from behind the door.

"Mr. Castle?"

She helps him stand and they follow the doctor into an exam room and Castle sits on the bed while she takes the chair next to him.

"I'm Dr. White, you've been referred to me by your surgeon Dr. Davidson. I'll be handling your recovery from here on out. I'm sorry for what's happened to you, how are you doing considering the circumstances?"

They both cringe at the mention of Josh but if Dr. White notices he doesn't react.

"Thank you, Doctor, I'm okay, considering. Lots of pain but that's to be expected. I've been sleeping a lot but the more I sleep the better I feel. The pain is more intense when I move around but it's not as bad as it was."

"Well that's good to hear, it sounds like you are healing properly. I have been over your medical records and it seems you were relatively healthy before the shooting so that helps a great deal. I want to run a few tests and check your vitals and then we can talk about the next steps in your recovery."

She steps out of the room to give him some privacy and reads a magazine while she waits for him to come out. It's not too long before he comes through the door and she smiles as they head back to her car. He's quiet on the ride home and although it's not like him to be that quiet she doesn't think much of it. They get back to the loft and he changes into some comfortable clothes before she helps him into the bed and goes to make them some lunch. When she returns he is waiting for her and she eases down beside him and hands him his plate. They eat silently for a few moments and then he begins speaking.

"So Dr. White said everything was looking good and that I was healing properly. He gave me a referral for a Cardiac Rehab center, and he also thought it would be a good idea to talk to a psychologist."

"That's good, Castle, rehab means you're healing like you're supposed to, and that just means we are one step closer to you being better. I think a psychologist's a good idea also, the emotional impact of what has happened has already affected you and it's bound to catch up with you again. I can go with you if you want me to, whatever you need from me, I'm here."

She thinks that the conversation is over and she rises to take their plates back to the kitchen when his next words stop her.

"I think I should do all of that at my house in the Hamptons. I was thinking about calling my car service and leaving in the morning. I think it will just be easier that way."

She feels all the air leave her body as she sinks back down on the bed. He had mentioned this before but she thought since things were going so well between them that he had changed his mind. She couldn't go with him to the Hamptons, she couldn't take that much time off of work, couldn't ignore this case for that long. What did this mean for them?

"Rick, I didn't think….I thought things were good with us, why do you want to leave?"

"Kate, things are good with us, it has nothing to do with that, okay? Alexis has class and mother has acting obligations and you have to work. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I can get the car service to take me there and get set up with the rehab center there as well as a psychologist. This is going to be a long, slow process and I just feel like I would do much better out there in the quiet away from all the commotion of the city. It's only two hours from here and if you do get some time off I can have the car service come pick you up. Please don't make this a bigger deal than it is."

"Make this a bigger deal? Castle, you are going to be in the Hamptons, and I am going to be here. What does that mean for us? I don't want to be away from you for that long, I won't be able to get much time off to come out there, even with it being only two hours away. We are finally starting to get closer, this is only going to pull us back apart. I understand what you are saying but you can do all of that from here, you aren't a burden on anyone. I told you I was going to be here for you through this and you aren't giving me a chance to do that. I don't know how you expected me to react to this."

"Kate, I didn't think about it like that, I just need to do this, okay? It has nothing to do with us, it's just what I think is the best option for me. I don't want to do this in the city. I know things have been better this past week but I need to get away from here for a while, please understand that."

"So what are you saying, Rick, we just take a break from us for however long you are out there? And you do this by yourself and leave me here feeling even guiltier than I already do because the only reason you are even going through this is because of me?"

She breaks down then, sobbing out the guilt she's been carrying around for days. She didn't expect this and it's hitting her like a freight train. She doesn't want him to do this alone, doesn't want this to tear them apart. He hasn't really dealt with what happened to him yet and she knows all too well what it's like when the reality of something major like this hits you. If he's anything like her, he will shut himself off from everyone, from her, and she can't handle that.

"Kate…."

He's speaking softly, trying to calm her down but the sound of his voice is only making her more emotional. There's no way she can go without hearing that voice for months, yes she can still call him while he is gone but it won't be the same. She needs him, she needs him here with her. She needs him to anchor her. The tears just keep coming and she knows she may be over reacting but after everything they've been through, including the last few weeks, she just can't imagine not seeing him every day for months.

"Kate, look at me."

She glances up at him, tears still rolling down her cheeks and she doesn't know what to say.


	11. Chapter 11: Breathe

**A/N: **As promised here is ch. 11. I didn't leave you hanging for too long. :) I'm going on a mini vacation this weekend and then a bigger one in about 2 weeks, I will try to update as much as I can before then because I won't be able to update while I'm gone. Hope you are still enjoying the story and thank you for all of the support. And another shout out to my beta, Bec, she's the best!

**Disclaimer: **I wish!

* * *

**Chapter 11: Breathe**

She's not sure when he whispered, "Come here," to her, but she ends up with her head in his lap as he softly runs a finger over her cheek, catching the tears as they continue to fall. He doesn't speak again for a few minutes, gives her time to let it all out. Finally she looks up at him to find him staring down at her with concern. She still can't bring herself to speak, can't find the words that will make this okay. He seems to sense that so he does the talking.

"I didn't mean to upset you like this, the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you. I don't want to leave you for that long either; I'm not doing this to get away from you. The only reason I think it will even be bearable is because I am going there to get better. It's hard enough for me to be here with you and not be able to do anything more than softly touch you or kiss you. I feel like if I go out to the Hamptons then I will be able to solely focus on getting better and coming back to you. Please know that this has nothing to do with running from us or not believing that you're in this. It's about me getting the best care I can, in the best place for me, so that I can be in this with you one hundred percent, okay?"

And this is why he is a writer. He has a way with words that she will never cease in loving. This doesn't change the fact that he will be leaving her for a while but something about what he said has her feeling a little better about it. He isn't running from her, and he still wants her, but he's right, he needs to recover in the place he feels most comfortable doing it.

"Rick, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I'm such an emotional wreck. It's just the last few weeks have been such an intense journey. I almost got shot, and then I almost lost you because you did get shot, and then I finally told you how I feel only to have it almost backfire on me because of Josh, and now we are here and things are going so well and I just can't imagine my life without you in every aspect of it anymore. I just don't know how to be okay with this."

She sits up, grabs his hand as she scoots up beside him, not wanting to lose the connection with him.

"I don't know what to say, Kate. I don't know how to make this better for both of us. I just know that it's something I have to do. I want you to be okay with it, I don't want you to be upset and hurting while I'm gone. I need to have peace of mind when I go that you are going to be okay. We can make this work somehow. It's not like we won't be able to talk at all, that's not what I want."

"I know you don't, and I know you need this. I just don't want it to tear us apart after everything we've worked for. Promise me that we will both still put in the effort to be open and completely honest with each other. I don't want to do this with anyone else, Rick; it's you, only you for me."

"I promise, Kate, we will make this work. I am going to go get better and stronger and then I'm going to come back to you and we're going to dive into this. You're it for me too; you have been for a long time."

It's conversations like these with him that have her wondering why she was so scared of this for so long. They just had a very serious conversation about him leaving and where they are going and he knew exactly what to say to her. She still doesn't want to be without him, but she feels better about it now, feels like they can make it work. He's going to go heal and then he's going to come back to her and they are going to be better than ever.

"So…. are we okay? You're going to be okay while I'm gone, right?"

He's asking with such care and concern in his voice and it makes her love him that much more.

"Yes, Castle, we're okay. I'm not going to lie, it's going to be hard but I do feel better about it now. I'm going to miss you like crazy but I'll be okay."

She has to kiss him now, can't stand it any longer. This is her last night with him for who knows how long and she wants to savor the touch of his lips to hers as much as she can. So when her lips finally touch his she pours everything she's feeling into the kiss.

With foreheads touching, lips just a breath apart, he whispers, "I love you, Kate."

"I love you too, Castle," she promises in return.

* * *

The next morning arrives much faster than she wanted it to. After helping get Castle packed for the Hamptons last night, they had spent the remainder of the evening cuddling and enjoying just being with each other. His mother and daughter made breakfast for them this morning and said their goodbyes to him with promises of coming to see him on the weekends. She tried not to think too much about the fact that she wouldn't be able to join them unless it was just a day trip. They were going to make this work though, they had promised each other. He had arranged for his car service to pick him up at the same time she had to leave for work. When the knock on the door sounded announcing the arrival of the car, she sighed, not ready to tell him goodbye.

She opens the door to allow the man in that is carrying Castle's bags to the car. She walks with Castle to the elevator, hand-in-hand, not wanting to break their connection any sooner than she has to. When the elevator doors close he tugs on her hand and brings her in for a slow, passionate kiss. She sighs into his mouth as he deepens the kiss and they remain locked together until the elevator dings and the doors open to their floor. She reluctantly walks with him to the car and he turns to give her a hug. She savors the feel of being wrapped in his arms but all to quickly he is pulling back and giving her a chaste kiss.

"Everything's going to be okay, Kate. I'll be back before you know it and hopefully you can get a day or two off and come up. I'll call you this evening when I get settled. Please be careful and take care of yourself. Don't try to work this case alone, let the boys help you, okay?"

"I won't do anything alone. I'll be careful, I promise. Please take care of yourself, just rest and heal, okay? The shooter is still out there, and until we find him we're both still targets, so you be careful too."

She swore she wasn't going to cry but she just can't help it. He's taking her heart with him, and she won't be whole again until he returns. He reaches out and catches a tear as it slides down her cheek.

"Please don't cry. I'll be careful, I'm going to miss you so much, Kate. I love you."

"I'm going to miss you too, so much, and I love you too."

She kisses him again, hard and quick, and then he's sliding carefully into the car and it's driving away from her and she feels like she's dying inside. She watches the car until it disappears from sight and when she finally gets into her cruiser she cries all the way to the precinct.

* * *

She takes a minute to pull herself together before she gets in the elevator and heads up. The boys greet her with warming smiles when she steps off and she is thankful for them.

"Yo, Beckett, good to have you back, chica."

"Yeah, good to see you, Beckett. How's Castle?"

The question hits her like a ton of bricks. She knows they're just asking because they care but the fact that she just said goodbye to Castle is only making this harder.

"He's uh… he's doing well considering. He left for the Hamptons this morning. He's going to do his rehab there."

They both look at her in surprise and she bites back the emotion that's threatening to overcome her again.

"Why did he go there? Couldn't he do that here in the city?"

Ryan is being polite but it's Espo who asks the question she knows they're both thinking.

"Beckett, I thought things were good between the two of you, did something happen? Is that why he left?"

"No, guys, look, things are fine. He thought he would do better being out of the city and we talked it over last night. It doesn't change things for us. But can we please not talk about it anymore? It's going to be hard enough to look at the chair for the next few months, talking about it is only going to make it worse. I'm here to do my job and that's what I plan to focus on."

"Sure, chica, sorry, we didn't mean to pry."

"Yeah sorry, Beckett, I'm sure things will be fine."

"Thanks guys, now let's get to work. Do you have anything new on the shooter? Any leads at all?"

The boys look at each other before Ryan breaks the news to her.

"Uh we kind of have bad news. Since there are no new leads, and it's pretty much a dead end right now, Gates put a stop to the investigation. The shooter pretty much disappeared, Beckett. We've looked over everything we can think of for a possible lead. We're still keeping an eye open though."

She glances back and forth between them, taking in what Ryan has just told her.

"So that's it? Castle gets shot and because we have no leads at the moment we are just supposed to stop trying to find the shooter? You know that's not going to happen. Castle and I are still targets, regardless of whether we have a lead or not. I'm going to hunt until I find this guy and then I'm going to put him behind bars where he belongs."

"We know how you feel about this, Beckett, we feel the same way. The man tried to shoot you, and almost killed Castle. We want to find him just as badly as you, but we are going to have to keep our investigation on the down-low for now. So do it quietly, okay?"

"Fine."

That's all she gives them as she turns and plops down at her desk, trying desperately not to glance at _his _chair.

* * *

The week has been anything but easy for her. Castle called her the night he arrived and they talked for a while before hanging up. She tried to stay at her apartment the first night he was gone, but the quietness of the room and the emptiness of her bed did nothing but increase the loneliness that was already seeping into her. She had called Martha and talked to her and the woman had practically ordered her to stay at the loft while he's gone. She thought it would be a little awkward at first but it was exactly what she needed. Sleeping in his bed, surrounded by his scent, it calms her and she knows there is no way she would make it through this if she was alone in her apartment every night.

It's the long days at the precinct that are the hardest for her. She refused when the boys had offered to move Castle's chair. Moving it would mean that he wasn't coming back and that was just not true at all, he _is_ coming back. They've caught a few cases and it has helped to keep her mind off of it some but the minute she's back at her desk, the emptiness of his chair, has her constantly fighting her emotions.

When she gets careless while they are acting on a lead, and Espo has to drag her to the ground as shots are fired, she knows she's teetering on the edge. Her mind isn't on her work and that's about as dangerous as it gets, but all she can think about is _him_. They get back to the precinct and she apologizes to the boys, her carelessness puts them all in danger. They have her back but she should have theirs as well. She can't keep going like this, she's never been this needy before, but then again she's never loved someone like this before either. She won't have to figure out what she's going to do though because Gates is calling, well more like ordering her into her office and she's about to find out, the decision has already been made for her.


	12. Chapter 12: Desolation

**A/N:**Thank you again for waiting patiently for me to update. I am leaving for a mini vacation tomorrow so this will be my last update until next week. Tuesday is my birthday so I'll try to do a chapter then as part of the celebrating :) This chapter is going to show you both Castle and Beckett's point of view. I separated them by line breaks so it won't be too confusing! Thanks again to Bec, you rock! :)

**Disclaimer: **I love the writers of Castle and the story they have created, sometimes my imagination runs away with them though.

* * *

**Chapter 12: Desolation**

He's been here for a week, seven long days that actually feel more like a month. He still thinks he made the right decision coming to the Hamptons to recover; he's still enjoying the peaceful setting and roar of the ocean in the background. There's something missing though. _H__er_. He's talked to her on the phone, listened carefully to the tone of her voice, and she seems to be handling it okay, but it's probably a good thing he can't actually see her. She's always been good at acting; she can hold it together better than most even when she's falling apart on the inside.

He starts his cardiac rehab today. He gave himself a day to get settled before he made the call. He found a Cardiac Rehab Center not far from the house, it seems to come highly recommended so he feels good about it. He's ready to start this process, ready to feel like himself again. They had an opening today and he took it, was thankful for the few days he had to just enjoy the quiet of the house. He's looking forward to getting out though, so by the time the car service arrives to pick him up he's been out on the porch waiting for close to an hour.

It's a nice big building filled with friendly faces and it reassures him that he's made the right decision in doing this here. Once he's met the therapist and they've gone over his medical records, and his physical condition has been assessed, he's shown to the room where he will do most of his rehab. Today is an easy day, just learning some of what he will be doing and a few strength exercises he can start on. The idea is not to put any strain on the injury for the next week or so, until the incision is fully healed.

He arrives back at the house later feeling really good about everything. His incision is almost healed, his physical condition is good, and he feels comfortable with the therapist who's going to help him over the next few months. Things are going better than he expected and he's just thankful that he's still here. He hopes that it stays this way, hopes that the calming feeling he has remains. It's not until that night, when he's alone in his master bedroom, drifting off to sleep, that the calmness disappears, leaving in its wake a dark storm.

* * *

She's sitting in her captain's office, alone, still waiting after thirty minutes for Gates to return and conduct the meeting. She's trying to focus on what this could be about but all she can think about is _him_. She's got to get a grip, she used to be better at hiding her emotions than this. Finally Gates is coming back into her office and she takes a deep breath.

"Detective Beckett, it's come to my attention that there have been a few incidents involving you this week. When you are here I need you to give your all, there is no excuse for putting your partners lives in danger as well as your own. Would you care to explain what's going on?"

_Shit. _She can't tell Gates what's really going on, if she does there is no way Castle will ever be allowed back here. Captain Montgomery may have let something like this slide but she has a feeling that Gates will not tolerate it. She hasn't even met Castle yet and she's already expressed her dislike of the fact that he is allowed in her precinct.

"Sir, I uh…I'm sorry, you're right. Doing my job the way I have this past week is dangerous and it's not like me to be this careless. I think that everything that happened with Castle and I is just getting to me. I can't seem to focus on anything else. I'll get myself together tonight."

"No, Detective, I don't think you will. I don't know what's really going on here but it's clear to me that you are not one hundred percent and, until you are, I can't have you working and putting my other detectives in danger."

"I can get it together, Sir. I just need to go home and sort things out. I'll come back tomorrow focused and ready to go."

"My decision has already been made; I want you to take a leave of absence. Whatever is going on in your life, whomever it involves, I need you to work it out before you come back. Until you can give your all I don't want to see you back here. An emotionally driven detective is a dangerous one, am I clear?"

She can't object to anything Gates has said because the truth is she's right. She can't do her job while she's in this state of mind.

"Yes, Sir, I understand."

"Get yourself together, Detective, and then get back here and do what you do best."

She nods and exits her captain's office, goes to her desk to pack everything up. Ryan and Espo approach her cautiously, not sure of the type of reaction they are going to receive.

"Yo, Beckett, what's going on?"

"Gates put me on leave of absence. She thinks I'm a danger to myself and everyone on the team and she's right. Until I get things figured out with Castle, and know that he's okay, I can't do this job the way that I'm supposed to. So I guess I'll see you both when I figure out what the hell I'm doing."

"Hey, we didn't mean to get you in trouble. We just didn't want to see you get hurt, today was a close call. I know you miss Castle and we miss him too. So go see him or whatever you plan to do and then when he's better get him back here, okay?"

"I understand. Ryan, I put you both in danger today and I'm sorry, that's never okay, there's no excuse for that. Thank you for having my back. Please keep me informed if you find anything on the shooter? I won't be able to let this go until I know Castle is safe."

"Yeah of course, Beckett, we have your back. Take care of yourself and be careful."

She hugs the boys before making her way to the elevator. This job is what she does best, it's what she was meant to do, but she needs her partner back. She needs this time to figure out their relationship and she needs to forgive herself for what happened to Castle. And more than anything she needs to find herself because she's more than just a detective and if she's ever going to be what Castle deserves she needs to figure it out.

She packs her bags that night without thinking; she knows where she needs to be. She hopes he wants her there as badly as she wants to be there. She calls his mother to let her know what she's doing; the older woman is thrilled with what she's decided. They both know Castle is strong and that he needed to go there, but they also both agree that he needs her. She gets the address from Martha and heads towards his house in the Hamptons. She doesn't text him that she's coming, she won't give him a chance to try and talk her out of it. She's going to help him through this and they are going to help each other heal.

* * *

It's pitch black in his room, quiet in a way that only the night can bring, until the nightmare he's having becomes all too real. He jerks straight up in his sleep, gasps for air as the panic floods his entire body. It's all too vivid right now; he's back in that cemetery, he feels the bullet burning in his chest. He jumped in front of the bullet to save her, because he wants a life with her, but he's dying and that life is fading away. He screams out her name, and his voice is almost hoarse by the time he comes back to reality.

He's in his bed, in the Hamptons, there is no cemetery, no bullet in his chest, and he's alive. He's never had a nightmare like that before. His chest burns from the way he jerked himself up and from the memory of the bullet. He feels like he just relived that day all over again. He gets up to take a pain pill and grabs a bottle of water before heading back to his bed. He's still tense from the realness of the dream so he decides to walk out on the balcony for a little while. Maybe some fresh air will do him good, soothe his nerves a little. He gets all of three steps out onto the balcony when he sees the dark figure standing on the beach. Although the beach is remotely private there are still neighbors in the area that could be out there. There's something different about this though, something that has that panic flaring back to life. The person hasn't moved, and he can't seem to make himself move either.

He's trying not to make any sounds as the panic rises within him. He manages to stumble backward into the house and lock the door, not that locks will do him any good. If that's the shooter and he wants him dead, he's dead no matter how many locks he has. He somehow makes it into his bathroom before he sinks to the floor and the panic fully takes hold. He can't breathe, can't even function enough to call anyone. The pain in his chest is so intense it doubles him over and he couldn't fight now if he wanted to.

* * *

She makes it to the Hamptons sometime in the middle of the night. She's restless and she just needs to see him. She hopes that he's happy to see her, that this will prove to him how in this she really is. This isn't something she does, she doesn't come after people and she doesn't open herself up like this but she's coming after him and she's going to let him see everything she is. She knocks on the door several times and when no answer comes, she finally takes out her phone and calls him. The second time it goes to voicemail she starts to worry, if he was sleeping he surely would have heard the phone the second time. She searches around the front of the house and finds the spare key Martha had told her about.

She normally wouldn't do something like this, wouldn't invade his home like this, but she needs to know he's okay, needs an explanation for him not answering her calls. She's never been here before so she scopes everything out as she moves cautiously through the house. After assuring he's not on the first floor she makes her way up the stairs, and that's when she hears the whimpering coming from one of the rooms.

"Castle? It's Kate, I tried the door but you didn't answer."

Hearing no response, she pushes the door to the master bedroom open. He's not in the bed but she can hear the whimpering louder now and she springs into action. Scanning the room for any signs of him, she comes to a stop outside the bathroom door. When she opens it, she's completely unprepared for what's behind it.

She finds Castle, crumpled on the floor of his bathroom, eyes wide with panic, gasping for air and completely unaware that she is there.


	13. Chapter 13: Impact

**A/N: **I'm back! I am so sorry for the delay in updates, things have been crazy and my beta is currently MIA. I am going to try to get another few chapters posted before I go on vacation Monday. I will be writing while I'm gone but not sure if I'll be able to post updates until I get back. After this vacation I will be home for a while so there won't be such long delays on updates. Thank you for being patient and bearing with me! I hope you are still enjoying the story! This chapter will put me at the half way mark as far as word count goes, however, I plan to continue this story until I feel it's told is tale. I also want to give a huge thank you to Ally for filling in as my beta. She is awesome and I really appreciate her helping me out! One other thing, the title for this story came from the song "Shelter" by The Strange Familiar, if you haven't listened to it, I strongly recommend you do. It's a beautiful, haunting song and the words of the song go with this story perfectly.

**Disclaimer: **I didn't create them, I just play with them. Thank you to Marlowe for giving us these wonderful characters that practically write themselves. :)

* * *

Chapter 13: Impact

She takes in a startled breath when she sees him; she can only describe this as torture, watching the man she loves completely break. It's even worse when she knows the reason he is, is because of her. She's never seen him like this; in fact, she can't recall ever seeing him look this broken. He has a great deal of strength that she's always admired, but never really given him credit for. She has no idea what has rendered him paralyzed on the floor but it, whatever_ it_ is, worries her. It's in no way been easy for her, the shooting has affected her in ways that she hasn't really processed yet, but she has to be the person he can lean on right now, even if she's barely standing herself. She's been strong for him so far, at least when she is around him, but, seeing him like this, seeing him break, it's breaking her as well and she's not sure what happens if they both break.

She doesn't want to startle him so she slowly kneels down beside him, careful not to touch him yet. What she really wants is to wrap her arms around and hold him until they both feel safe again. She wants to take all of this pain away from him. She wishes they could be where they are now relationship wise, without everything else that's happened. She just wants to have him in her arms and never let him go, but she doesn't want to scare him or cause him anymore pain so she settles in close and talks softly to him.

"Castle, can you hear me? It's Kate." It comes out shakier than she meant it to and she realizes she's trembling slightly. She really doesn't know how to help him and she wishes she was better at stuff like this. She decides to reassure him that he is safe; maybe it will calm him down. "You're in the bathroom at your house in the Hamptons. I knocked but you didn't answer so I used the key Martha told me about. Everything is okay, you're safe."

He still doesn't move or acknowledge that he can hear her, so she scoots closer to him. She slowly reaches out and places her hand on his shoulder before she tries talking to him again.

"I want to help you Castle, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

She loses track of how long she sits there, softly whispering to him before he begins to come back to reality. She notices when his breathing slows and hears the whimper of pain as he let out as he tries to pull himself into a sitting position. She leans forward to help him and, once he's upright, his eyes finally focus on her with an incredulous expression on his face

"Am I still dreaming or is this really happening? I didn't think you had any time off to come up here, Kate. We're in my bathroom sitting on the floor? I think I'm still out of it."

She watches as the confusion fills his face, and she just wants to reach out and embrace him, but that would probably add to his confusion more than anything and that's the last thing she wants to do.

"Hey, it's okay, I'm really here, but we can talk about that in a minute." She reaches out and takes his hand before she continues; the connection seems to calm him a little more. "I think you had a panic attack, and it definitely wasn't a mild one. Have you ever had one before?"

"No, I haven't." He looks down at their hands for a minute and when he looks back at her, his eyes are swimming with emotion. "I didn't think I was going to have any side effects from the shooting other than the physical stuff. I figured if I was, it would have already started before now. I've never had nightmares so vividly either."

She gives him another minute to get himself together, lets him find his voice again and when he looks ready again she gives his hand a soft squeeze.

"I was dreaming about the shooting. Everything was the same, only this time, I was dying and I knew I was never going to get a chance to be with you." He chokes back his emotion as it threatens to take over and she leans in closer to him, reassures him that he is really with her, that he didn't leave her. "I felt the realness of it so much that it woke me up, and my chest was burning worse than I've ever felt it. I went downstairs and got some pain medicine and a bottle of water and then I decided to go out on the balcony and get some air." His breathing speeds up a little before he continues and she notices the panic flaring back to life a little. She grips his hand tighter and it seems to anchor him again. "As soon as I stepped out there I saw someone standing out on the beach and I just froze. I couldn't function, but somehow I managed to make it in here. The pain seemed to intensify with the fear and I just lost it, once I sunk to the floor I couldn't move. The last thing I remember thinking was I was going to die and never get to see you again."

He chokes out a sob now and she feels it too, the overwhelming fear that they were almost pulled apart before they ever really got together. She lets the tears loose now, tears that have been threatening to fall since she saw him, and it takes her a few minutes before she can speak again.

"Oh, Castle, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I wish this had never happened."

"No, we talked about this, no regrets." He tugs on her hand and she practically craws into his lap. "The events of the past few weeks led us to right here, you and I here together. I wouldn't trade that for anything." She's careful not to put pressure on his chest, but she just needs to be as close to him as she can right now and he seems to need the same thing.

"I know. I wouldn't either. I just hate seeing you in so much pain. Seeing you like you were just now, on the floor like that, it kills me."

He wraps his arms around her and sighs.

"I wish I could say that it won't happen again but I can't; I don't know how this is going to affect me in the long run, Kate. All I know is that as long as you are with me, I can get through it. We will get through this together." He holds her as tight as he can without causing himself more pain and she leans back a little so she can look him in the eyes.

"How is it that you are the one in so much pain; yet, you know just what to say? I'm supposed to be your support in this but instead, I'm the one that keeps falling apart. I hate this so much."

Kate knows that Rick needs her to lean on right now and she's trying her best to be there for him; she just can't get the image of him doubled over on the floor like he was out of her head. It breaks her heart; and she isn't so sure she can handle it if he has another episode like that.

"Hey, it's okay; we can be each other's support." He reaches up and softly rubs her cheek, catches another tear as it falls. "I know this has been hard on you too. You weren't the one who was shot, but you were there. I know that I'm not where I used to be, but I promise: you can still lean on me when you need to. It's okay to admit when you are falling. I need you to be open with me too, Kate, so that we can heal together."

She still has no idea why she fought this for so long. Even after everything he is going through, he's still the sweetest man and she can't imagine herself being anywhere else than right here with him.

"You're right it has been hard, and we both need each other. I want to do this together, I want to heal together." She can't take it anymore, she has to kiss him, she leans in a softly presses her lips to his, and in seconds it goes from soft and sweet to urgent and passionate. When their lips separate, she rests her head against his, savoring the moment until the pull of sleep begins to take hold of her. She leans back and lifts a hand up to his cheek, rubs the soft skin under his right eye with her thumb. "Did you get any sleep at all? You look exhausted and I haven't slept either, maybe it will be easier for you to rest if I lay with you."

"No, I didn't get much sleep at all." He looks away from her again, like he's ashamed of what he's about to say. "I'm afraid that if I go back to sleep, this will happen again. I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't arrived when you did, Kate. What if this keeps happening, what if it gets worse?"

She moves her hand under his chin and lifts it until he looks into her eyes again.

"Castle, calm down; you're going to get yourself worked up. There is a very real possibility that this could happen again; you went through a traumatic experience. Whatever happens, we will get through it together okay? You aren't going through this alone. I know it's scary, but you're going to be okay."

He looks so scared and it goes right through her. He's this big, strong, protective man and she's never seen him look like this. She doesn't know how to make him feel better; she doesn't know how to stop the nightmares from coming. She can only promise to be there when he wakes up, to be the calm that brings him back from the storm. She can be his solid ground until his stops quaking.

"Kate?"

"Yeah?"

"Not that I'm not happy to see you, but uh, what are you doing here? I mean, there's no way you could have known to show up when I was having a panic attack, and I thought you couldn't come up here, at least not for a while?"

"Well, I um…I haven't been holding up to well without you. I know you needed this but, I just missed you so much and all I could think about was you. I made some stupid rookie mistakes while we were running down a lead and…" She has to look away from him now, she doesn't know how to tell him that she's been careless, she knows he's going to be disappointed and that's the last thing she wants.

"And what, Kate?"

She still won't look at him, and she practically whispers her next words, as if whispering will soften them a little.

"I almost got shot, Espo had to pull me down, I almost got us all shot."

She looks back at him now and he looks torn between yelling at her and crying. She probably deserves the yelling. If he cries again she really will lose it, she hates seeing him cry.

"I didn't push you out of the way of one bullet, so you could go and take another one." His tone is harsh but she hears the pain in it as well. "What were you thinking? It isn't like you to be this affected while on the job, I've seen you be upset and still do your job like nothing is wrong." His voice softens with his next words and she almost loses it again when she hears the tenderness in his voice. "Why didn't you tell me you were having such a hard time?"

"I'm sorry Rick." She really is sorry, she would never have wanted him to get the news that she had been shot while he was here trying to recover. "I know I should have just talked to you about it. I just didn't want you to worry about me when you were supposed to be here focusing on healing. I think I have been selfish enough when it comes to anything to do with us and that's not fair to you. You deserve so much better than me."

He lifts his hands to her arms now, holds her like he's afraid that she's going to run away from him. "Stop Kate, You aren't selfish, broken yes, but selfish, no. You are extraordinary and I don't want anyone else, ever. I just wish that you had opened up to me about how you were feeling, about how this was affecting you. I can't help you if you won't talk to me"

She's crying again and _shit_ he always knows just what to say and she has no idea why she keeps pushing him away. Why is it so damn hard for her to just be completely open with him?

"I don't know why it's so hard for me to open up sometimes. I trust you more than I have ever trusted anyone; I'm just no good at this. I'm trying though and I don't want you to stop pushing me okay?"

She means that, she needs him to push her now more than ever.

"I won't, you're too important to me, I want you to get to the point where you can tell me anything without hesitating. So tell me what happened after you almost got shot."

She sees him wince when he says the word _shot_, she knows he's focusing on the fact that she was being careless.

"The boys talked to Gates, and they had every right to, I was a danger to everyone while working in this mind set." She smiles a little when he begins softly running his hand up and down her arm. "She pulled me into her office and ordered me to take a leave of absence until I get myself together. I couldn't even argue with her, there is only once place I knew I needed to be in order to get myself together, Castle, right here, with you." She leans in and kisses him on the cheek before she continues. "I called Martha and told her and she gave me directions, and I drove straight here. I'm just so thankful that I arrived when I did. I want to stay here with you if you want me to, there's no way I can go back and do my job properly until you're back there with me."

She can't read his face right now, can't tell how he is going to respond to her. If he tells her no, she will probably break down right here on his bathroom floor. She just wants to help him through this.

"Oh Kate, of course you can stay. I would love to have you here; you know how I feel about you. I hate that you had to be ordered to take time off, but I think you need it just as much as I do. I'm so glad you are here."

The relief that Castle's words provide reveal themselves in the form of a huge smile; one that illuminates her entire face. She kisses him again, pours everything she's filling into it and barely manages to suppress a whimper when the need for air pulls them apart.

"I love you, Rick. Thank you for not giving up on me and for saving my life so that we could have this chance."

"Always, I love you too."

She lets the silence go on for a few minutes before she decides to try to get him to go to bed with her.

"I know there is no way you are comfortable on this floor, come on, let's at least go lay in the bed. You don't have to sleep if you don't want to."

He nods and lets her help him up. She slowly helps him walk to his bed and she feels the tension rolling off of him. She carefully climbs in beside him and gives him a reassuring smile. Once he seems comfortable, she cuddles into his side and rubs her palm back and forth over his chest to soothe him. The silence is comfortable and she thinks he's fallen asleep until he speaks.

"Thank you, for coming here. I didn't realize how much I needed you here for this until tonight. I need you, Kate."

"I need you too; you have no idea how much. I'm not going anywhere, try to get some rest. I'll be here when you wake up, I promise."


	14. Chapter 14: Darkness

**A/N: **I am so sorry for the delay again, I am back from vacation and hopefully updates will remain regular now. Sometimes real life gets crazy so I can't promise chapters will be as frequent as before but I am somewhat caught up now so there shouldn't be any long waits. I hope you are still with me, and please know that the next chapter is already written so don't come after me with pitchforks when you are done reading. The chapter is called "Darkness" for a reason and as we all know, light always comes after the darkness. There will be some fluff before we dive into the real darkness of Castle's PTSD. Thank you again to Ally for stepping up as my beta, I am really excited for what's happening in the chapters to come and she has been awesome to bounce ideas around with! And as always, thank you for the wonderful, encouraging reviews.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own them, but I would love to meet the actors that portray them. :)

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**Chapter 14: Darkness**

He finally drifts off beside her and she hopes he will actually get a restful sleep. She knows he is just as emotionally exhausted as he is physically and sleep is an important part of his recovery. Being shot has taken such a toll on him; she didn't realize how much until tonight. She hopes the nightmare was just a one-time thing, hopes that her being here with him will help him sleep better. When she finally closes her eyes, she's asleep within seconds, but it's only a matter of minutes before she realizes her night is going to be anything but restful.

They haven't even been asleep for an hour before another nightmare has Castle turning roughly beside her in the bed. When she opens her eyes, he's whimpering and clutching his chest; her heart breaks for him. His face is contorted with pain; his breathing is harsh and just as she's about to try to wake him, he starts calling her name. He sounds defeated, like he's saying her name for the last time, like she's far away from him and thinks he'll never get to her in time. Before she can touch him, he suddenly lurches forward in the bed and begins gasping for air.

She's not sure if she should touch him now; she doesn't want to startle him and she's not even sure if he's awake. She has absolutely no idea how to handle this, and she's afraid she's just going to make things worse for him. She moves slowly in the bed until she's in front of him, her face level with his. He's still slightly gasping for air but his eyes are open and he seems to focus on her.

"Castle? Hey, are you okay?" She cautiously reaches out, places her hand on his knee.

He lets out a little whimper before he responds to her. "I had another nightmare. It was just like one I had before, I just wanted to save you but I was dying." He drops his head into his hands, and lets out this defeated sigh that has her reaching for him immediately. She softly grabs his hands and pulls them away from his face so that he will look at her. When he finally does meet her gaze, she squeezes his hands softly in reassurance.

"It was just a nightmare, you're okay, and I'm okay. We both made it and we are both here." She's not sure how else to help him other than to keep assuring him that they are both okay.

"They just seem so real; even when I wake up, I still feel like it was really happening." He drops his head again, like he's ashamed to admit that to her, and she just can't stand to see him like this, so defeated, so broken. "I don't like this, Kate. I hate feeling so weak."

"Hey listen to me, I hate this too but it's just a side effect of what you went through. It doesn't mean you are weak and it doesn't change how I see you okay?" She moves closer to him, nudges him back against the headboard and she follows him. She settles between his legs and softly lays her head against his chest, carefully avoiding the place where the bullet entered.

"Castle, I don't know how long these nightmares are going to affect you and I don't know what other effects this shooting might have on you, but you're going to get through this; we're going to get through this."

"I just hate feeling like this, I've already had two of them tonight, and what if they get worse?"

She reaches up and softly cups his cheek, "If they do, then we will deal with them together, you're not in this alone."

"Thank you." He gives her a small smile then, it doesn't fully reach his eyes but she knows he means it.

"Always." She smiles back at him before laying her head back on his chest. He's tense for a few moments before he finally relaxes and wraps his arms around her. She drifts off to sleep in his arms, unable to hold her eyes open any longer.

It's quiet for a few hours; the comfort of being in each other's arms allows them both to get some much needed rest. The soft weight of her against Castle's chest seems to keep him calm, until the burn in his chest begins and the nightmare takes hold once again. Whatever it consists of this time seems to be worse than the others because one minute she's sleeping comfortably on his chest, the next she's being thrown from the bed. The side of her head makes contact with the bedside table only seconds before she roughly lands on the floor.

She lets out a soft whimper as she reaches up to feel where her head connected with his table; the movement was so fast she had no time to brace herself. She glances up to find him staring down at her, and what can only be described as a look of horror on his face. She leans up on her knees, reaches for him but he backs away from her.

"Kate, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I swear I didn't mean to, I didn't realize what I was doing."

She reaches for him again, ignores the pounding that's started in her head. She wants him to know that it's okay, she knows he didn't mean to do it, she just wants him to talk to her, wants him to tell her what he was dreaming. He backs away from her again, moves so he's standing on the other side of the bed now and she can't figure out why he keeps putting distance between them.

"Don't, just don't come near me right now, I don't want to hurt you again. I can't believe I did this, I'm a danger to you, that's not okay."

"Rick please, I know you didn't mean to hurt me, it doesn't even hurt that bad, it was an accident. Talk to me, tell me what you were dreaming, please don't shut me out."

She stands up and eases back onto the bed, gives him a look that pleads with him, she can't handle distance right now, not when they are both this fragile. He stays where he is, but he starts talking and at least he isn't completely shutting down on her.

"I was back in the cemetery again; I don't know why we were there because I already had the bullet wound. I was fighting with the shooter, he had you pinned on the ground and I was trying to pull him off of you. He turned on me and pinned me on the ground, and he put his hand over the place where the bullet had entered, the pressure burned so bad I couldn't breathe and he was laughing. I launched myself at him with all the strength I had, trying to shove him away from me, trying to get the burn to stop." He looks down at his hands, shakes his head like he doesn't recognize them. "I had no idea I was actually shoving you, Kate. I would never consciously do anything to hurt you; I can't believe I did that. Please, I'm so sorry."

He looks so defeated, like he'll never come out of this and she has no idea how to make this better. She wants to climb back into his lap, wants to show him that she's fine but he's still standing on the other side of the bed. He looks like he's scared to ever touch her again.

"Rick, look at me." She waits until he does before she continues. "I'm not mad at you, I know you would never hurt me. You said it yourself, you didn't know what you were doing, you were dreaming. Please don't beat yourself up over this, I'm fine, I promise." He shakes his head like he doesn't believe her and she feels the tears welling up in her eyes. She hates this, hate that he is scared he's going to hurt her now. "I trust you with my life, more than I've ever trusted anyone. Please come over here, I can't handle being away from you right now."

"Kate, I can't. If I hurt you again, I'll never forgive myself, hell I can't even handle the fact that I already hurt you. I think it's best if I go in another room. You can stay in here."

He turns to walk out of the room and she knows she's going to sound desperate but she can't stop herself. "No, please Rick, please don't do this. Please don't leave me. I don't want to be away from you. You aren't a danger to me, it was an accident. Please I need you." He turns back to face her and all he manages to get out is "Oh Kate…" before she launches herself out of the bed and into his arms. She's sobbing now and she knows the minute he loses it too, and they hold each other up as they both cry out the emotion of this terrible night.

When the sobs have stopped and they've both calmed down he starts to loosen his hold on her and she lets out a whimper, and tightens her hold on him. "Please don't let me go; I just need you to hold me right now." She's pleading with him because if he walks out of this room she's going to break. Distance is the last thing they both need right now and she's determined to make him see that. He tightens his hold on her again but his words sound so broken when he speaks. "I'm so sorry, please forgive me Kate, I will never forgive myself for hurting you, never." He kisses the small knot that's forming on her forehead and her heart aches so bad for what she knows he's feeling right now. "There is nothing to forgive; you didn't know you were doing it. I love you, so much. I know you hate this but please, you have to know it's not your fault. I don't blame you for anything and I'm not letting you push yourself away from me. I told you I was in this and I meant it."

"I love you too, so much more than I can ever explain but I can't take a chance on hurting you again. It's killing me to know that I caused this knot on your forehead. It could have been worse than that. I just can't handle this on top of everything else."

She opens her mouth to argue with him but he's already pushing away from her. She can tell he's already made up his mind before he even says his next words.

"Until I can talk to a therapist and get some of this worked out, I think it's best if we sleep in different rooms. I don't want to be away from you but I won't take a chance on hurting you again. If the nightmares come again I'll just deal with them on my own, the less you are around me right now the safer you will be."

He opens the door before turning to look back at her, the look in both of their eyes conveying everything they are both feeling. How can two people who love each other be so close to heartbreak, so close to losing it? He holds her gaze for a few seconds before whispering another "I'm sorry" that she barely catches and then he's gone.

She knows they need each other, now more than ever but the events of this night have pushed him further away from her then he's ever been. He's shutting himself down, putting walls up around him that remind her so much of the walls she had up, walls that he demolished through. She knows what she was like before he got through to her, knows what it's like to keep yourself distanced from everyone. She'll be damned if she lets him shut himself off like that. They've been through too much to lose it all now. She'll let him have this night, let him have some time to himself, but tomorrow things are going to be different. He saved her life, saved her from the darkness, and if darkness is all he is seeing right now, then she will be his light.


	15. Chapter 15: The Light in the Darkness

**A/N: **Yay for a new chapter! Sorry for the delay, life has been a little crazy for my beta and I, but a huge thank you to her (Ally) for sticking with me and helping me through this! I couldn't do it without her! This is a little glimpse at the fluff I know you have all been waiting for. Keep in mind that they are no where near being through the storm yet so there will still be some angsty times, however it will only bring them closer and fuel more fluffy times. I hope you enjoy this one and thanks for sticking with me! Also due to the extension of the deadline for the Ficathon I am going to shoot for the higher word count! I had no intention of ending the story at 50,000 words anyway! I have the next two chapters written and am in the process of writing 18 so updates will be coming soon! :)

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing, but if Marlowe wants to talk, I am willing to listen! ;)

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**Chapter 15: The Light in the Darkness**

It only takes turning towards the bed after he leaves the room for her to break, her heart shattering to pieces in a way she's never experienced. She came here to be with him, to help him through this and he's pushing her away. Finding him crumpled on the floor had been hard enough, watching him walk away from her just now had been the final fault needed to unleash the earthquake of her emotions. She barely makes it to his bed before the sobs wrack her entire body. She buries her face in his pillow and cries until exhaustion takes over before she finally drifts off to sleep.

She wakes a few hours later to her head throbbing and reaches up to feel a rather large knot has formed on the side of her head. There is soft light spilling into the room and she glances at the clock to see it's just after six. When she sits up, the throbbing increases and the room spins a little as she slowly stands. She had ignored the injury last night, only caring that Castle was okay. She would never be mad at him for something he had no control over, besides it's nothing compared to the pain he is dealing with. She heads to his bathroom to inspect the knot before she heads downstairs in search of some Tylenol. She knows he will flip out when he sees it, and she worries that he will fall deeper into this darkness that's taken hold of them.

She quietly makes her way down the stairs and into his kitchen, only having to open a few cabinets before she finds the Tylenol and grabs a bottle of water out of the fridge. She takes her pills and drinks some of the water before turning to head back up the stairs and that's when she sees him. He's sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, eyes focused intently on her. She knows he watched her take the Tylenol, knows he's figured out exactly why she needed it. She's completely unprepared for this right now, after the night they had and crying herself to sleep, she's emotionally drained. She wants him to be okay, wants _them_ to be okay, but the fact is that neither of them are remotely close to being okay and she has no idea how to fix this.

She takes a step towards him, but the look on his face has her questioning moving any closer to him, so she tries talking to him instead.

"Hey, how long have you been up?"

"I couldn't sleep; I've been sitting here most of the night."

"Couldn't or didn't want to?" She shifts a little closer to him, pausing again to see how he reacts.

"I guess both; I can't stop thinking about what happened, Kate. I saw you take the pills just now, and I can see the knot from here. I hate the fact that I hurt you." He looks down now, fidgets with his hands in his lap and she just wants to crawl into his lap, wants the look on his face to be something she never sees again.

"Castle…"

She takes another step towards him, but her movement has him looking up again and his words stop her from coming any closer.

"Don't. Just don't Kate. Nothing you say is going to erase the guilt I have. I have no control over this, no idea what's coming next. How can I live with this, knowing that at any moment I may hurt you again? This terrifies me, and I hate it."

"I know it does, it scares me too. It kills me to see you like this, to see you shutting yourself off and to know that I'm the reason for it." She looks away from him, trying to hide the tear that falls down her cheek.

She knows this is probably not the best time for this conversation; the last thing she wants is for him to feel even guiltier than he does. The truth is though, that she has been carrying this guilt around since he took that bullet for her, and until she works through it, lets it out, she's going to continue carrying it. She promised to be open and honest with him and this is something she needs to share with him. She wants him to know that he's not alone in the way that he's feeling.

"Kate, come over here."

She hesitates, wanting nothing more than to be in his arms, but knowing she's barely holding it together as it is.

"Please…."

She hears the pleading in voice, and after the way he acted last night, like he was scared to ever touch her again she's relieved to hear him say that, she's desperate for his touch right now.

She walks over to where he is sitting, stops when she gets directly in front of him. He seems hesitant now, like he's scared she'll break if he touches her again. She tries to make it easier on him, turns to sit on the couch that's next to his chair but he reaches for her hand, softly tugs on it until she's in his lap. It's tense at first, both not wanting to hurt the other until finally he relaxes back against the chair and she settles herself comfortably against him.

He reaches his hand up to her face, tenderly rubs over the knot with his thumb, and wraps his other arms protectively around her waist. He's whispering to her then, soft apologies of "I'm so sorry" and she knows he is, but he was already forgiven the moment that it happened. She softly places her fingers over his lips, making sure that he hears her whispers of "It's okay" and she holds onto this quiet moment a little longer before she leans back to look at him and he seems to remember why he needed her closer to him.

"Kate, this isn't your fault, please don't blame yourself."

"Yes it is my fault. I need to tell you this Castle, and it's in no way meant to make you feel worse, if anything I hope it eases some of the guilt you are feeling." He drops his hand from her face to her hand and grips it tightly, silently giving her permission to continue. "You can't blame yourself for what happened tonight, none of this would have ever happened if it weren't for me. I have always been too close to my mother's case, it's a part of me but it's my fight, my burden. I appreciate you wanting to help me with it but I never should have let you get this close. This is why I don't let people in; everyone who gets close to me gets hurts, and look what happened to you. I can't help but feel like if you had just let them shoot me, this would have been over and you would be safe."

He grips her tighter, clears his throat as if he's having trouble speaking and then he chokes out his next words. "Kate no, you can't leave me, I don't want to lose you."

"I don't want to die, I don't want to leave you, but they want me dead. And they aren't going to stop until they accomplish that and now you're right in the middle of it too. I'm not worth you losing your life over, this is my fight and I won't let you die for my cause. I can't see you get hurt again Rick, please I can't handle anymore."

She lets it take over now, lets the grief she's been carrying since he got shot pour out of her. She breaks down in his arms and cries harder than she ever has. She cries for what they've lost, for what they've been through, and for what they still have to overcome. He holds her, anchors her in a way that only he can until she's cried it all out and she slumps against him, and he knows she carried that guilt along for too long.

He holds her close in the silence of the morning, and in that silence they both feel the shift, as that wall that was pushing them apart starts to crumble. He pushed her away and she came for him, just as he came for her in the past. She's fighting for them and part of that is letting him see her even at her weakest, because even in her weakest moments, she's the light in his darkness.

"Kate, listen to me. You are worth so much more than you think, and I wish you could see that. This isn't your fault, I chose to stand by your side long ago, and I'm not going anywhere. This was your fight but now it's ours, our fight and we're going to beat it together. Please don't feel guilty about this, let it go, so we can heal together."

She lifts her head to look at him, and she just loves him so much, no one has ever fought for her like he has. "Let's call a truce then, I will let go of my guilt, if you let go of yours. We're both in this and I never want to have to imagine what it would be like without you by my side. So let's start this right now, let's heal together, no more guilt. You saved me in so many ways already, now let's save each other."

He glances back up at the knot on her head and she touches his face, pleads with him to let go. He leans up and softly kisses the knot before pulling back a little and pressing his lips to hers. She deepens the kiss, needs his lips on hers a little longer after everything they've been through. He hums into her mouth and she turns so she's straddling him, wraps her arms around his neck. It's not the complete contact she's been craving but it's exactly what she needs right now. If all they can do for now is make-out like teenagers then that's what she plans to do and he seems to agree with her. When they finally pull apart, breathless, she rests her head against his, savors the tender moment they just shared.

"I really can't wait until we can do more than that, I want you so bad. We have such a deep connection already; I can only imagine what that will be like."

She grins at him, so thankful that he sounds more like himself now, and that he seems to be over his fear of touching her. "I can't wait either Castle, as I said before, you have no idea."

He groans as she slides off his lap, and she turns to give him a wicked little grin as she makes her way back to the kitchen. "Come on Castle, let me make you some breakfast." He follows her and sits on a stool at the bar while she cooks for them. When she catches him staring she gives him her signature eye roll before reminding him that staring is creepy.

"I can't help it, just seeing you in my kitchen, cooking for me, it's so domestic and sexy at the same time."

She doesn't miss a beat before shooting back at him, "I'm a woman of many talents, and you'll just have to stick around to see more of them." His jaw drops and she laughs and then she's coming around to sit beside him, handing him a plate and they eat in a comfortable silence.

And just like that they are back, the storm isn't over, if anything it's just begun, but they are together and communicating. They will fight their way through this and when they come out on the other side, nothing will be able to separate them.


	16. Chapter16:One Step Foward,Two Steps Back

**A/N: **I think I am back to a weekly schedule now! Yay! Thank you again so much for the amazing response to this story. I am so thankful for all of the reviews, follows, and favorites! You each make this experiences even more fulfilling that it already is! I hope you are still enjoying this story as much as before! Life has been a little crazy lately but writing is my escape from it all! :) All mistakes in this one are my own as my beta's life is crazy too lol! Let me know what you think and don't worry, Caskett is only going to get closer and stronger in their relationship! :)

**Disclaimer: I did not create them :)**

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**Chapter 16: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back**

It's around noon when she drives him to his cardiac rehab appointment. The morning was much better than the night before and she is thankful for the little bit of progress they've made. He managed to get an appointment scheduled with a highly recommended Psychiatrist right after his rehab appointment. She's hoping he can help him work through everything that happened the night before. Things seem to be better between them since they talked things out earlier this morning and they both promised to let go of their guilt, but she knows he is still bothered by it. She can see it in his eyes each time he looks at her, his focus always slipping up to where the knot has formed, he's having trouble letting go. She promised to help him, but he needs someone who can help him in the ways that she can't.

His rehab goes better than expected and he's in good spirits when he emerges back into the waiting room. They share a short, sweet kiss before making their way back to the car and heading to his next appointment. It's only a few minutes of waiting before he's being called back and she desperately wants to go in with him, but she doesn't want to push him either. He gives her hand a soft squeeze before entering the room alone and she hides her disappointment as the door closes behind him. Maybe going in alone will help him open up more about what he's feeling, and if it does than she's fine waiting out here for him.

She glances at the clock every few minutes as the hour passes by, it seems more like several hours have passed by the time the door opens and Castle comes out with the Psychiatrist right behind him. She stands and prepares to leave with him when the Doctor addresses her.

"Ms. Beckett, I'm Dr. Wood, I was wondering if I could speak with you for a few moments?"

"Oh, um sure, I didn't make an appointment though….."

"Yes I know, it won't take long and there is no charge, I just want to go over a few things with you."

She glances at Castle to see what his reaction is to this and he gives her a slight nod. Whatever the doctor wants to talk about, it seems Castle already knows and is okay with it. She kisses him on the cheek before following the doctor into his office and shutting the door. He motions for her to take a seat in the chair opposite his desk and she follows his instructions.

"As I'm sure you are aware, I'm not allowed to discuss in detail what Mr. Castle and I talked about, but he has given me permission to talk about a few things with you. I wanted to inform you some things that are important to help in his recovery and healing process."

"Okay, I will do whatever I can to help him."

"Mr. Castle has given me details about the events of last night. I am convinced that he is indeed experiencing panic attacks. While it's not certain, I have explained to him that they could vary in severity and they could become more frequent. I feel that as long as he continues regular visits with me that I can help him work through some of the underlying issues that may be triggering them. I want to explain to you some of the signs that will help you know when he may be having one and some things you can do to help him through it."

"Yes I definitely need to know how to help him with these, I had no idea what to do for him last night and I felt so helpless."

"That's completely understandable, panic attacks can be quite scary especially for someone who's never experienced them before. Generally they last anywhere from five to twenty minutes. In Mr. Castle's situation it seems that his are being triggered by his fear of dying and losing you and the nightmares he is having so it is important that you speak calmly to him and try to find out the exact cause of the attack. Try to get his mind off of it and remove him from the environment if needed and if you can. Be as reassuring as you can but do not dismiss his fears as being overreacting. Stay calm and don't pressure him through the attack, just be there with him and encourage him to take calming breaths. If he is having trouble doing that, you can take deep breaths with him to help him work through it. A damp washcloth will help to cool him off, and whatever you do, do not leave him alone. These things should help you to help him through them. It will be a learning experience for what works for him and what doesn't; the most important thing is for you to remain calm."

He hands her a paper that lists everything he just told her and she sighs in relief. She did her best to listen to everything he was saying but there was so much information and she just wants to be sure that she is prepared to help Castle as much as possible.

"Thank you so much Dr. Wood, I appreciate you taking the time to explain all of this to me. Castle's recovery is the most important thing to me right now."

"It's my pleasure Ms. Beckett; I think it's safe to say that Mr. Castle is in good hands. I've arranged to see him three times a week for now. I will increase or decrease the amount of times I see him as needed. If you need anything at all please don't hesitate to call me."

He hands her his card and shakes her hand before opening the door to allow her to exit. She smiles as she takes Castle's hand and walks with him back down to the car. It's quiet for a few minutes before she can't stand it anymore and she breaks the silence.

"Hey, how are you doing?" She reaches out and places her hand on his knee to give him a little reassurance.

"I'm okay, talking about everything that has happened is draining, but I feel like a little bit of the weight is gone now. My chest doesn't feel as tight as it did and he helped me work through my guilt for hurting you."

She squeezes his knee softly and he places his hand over hers and tangles their fingers together. "I'm glad that he helped you, and that you feel comfortable talking to him."

"He was easier to talk to than I expected. I wasn't sure I could open up at first, this experience has made it hard for me to open up and I'm not really sure why. It's not like to me to be this closed off and I'm sorry that I have been pulling away from you. I don't want to be distant, especially not from you, not after everything we have worked through. Just don't give up on me okay?"

He grips her hand tighter, like he's scared that she will pull away from him and she wants this fear that he has that he is going to lose her to go away. "Hey, I'm not going anywhere, you didn't give up on me, even though I'm sure I gave you many reasons to, so I'm not going to give up on you. We're going to get through this."

"I'm so glad that you are here, Kate."

"There is nowhere else I'd rather be."

The silence is comfortable now, they ride a few more miles with their fingers tangled tightly together and they each anchor each other from the storm that's taken hold of their lives.

"Hey Kate?"

"Yeah?"

"I know that it's probably not a good idea but I think I need to get out of the house for a little longer today. I know I need to rest and I promise I will when we get back but would you mind if we go to town for a little while? I was thinking maybe we could get some fresh stuff from the market for dinner and some coffee from the little shop in town."

She knows he needs to rest and that the chance of a panic attack could be increased while they are in public but she just can't deny him when he talks to her in that tone of voice. They no longer have a protective detail on them but she hopes that her gun will be enough if they come face to face with any problems.

"Yes we can do that, if you promise to rest soon as we get home and let me cook dinner."

He smiles and nods and she drives into town. Once she parks the car they head towards to market while holding hands and taking in their surroundings. She loves these moments with him, when it's just the two of them and things are going well. She can see herself doing this with him for the rest of her life and although it scares her a little bit, she knows that she's never trusted anyone as much as she trusts him.

They make their way into the market and begin picking things out for dinner. He's standing a little ways ahead of her as she pays for their most recent purchase when she notices him tensing up. He's done really well so far despite all the people that are in the market but, she knows the exact moment that everything changes. She quickly walks up to him and is about to ask him what's wrong when he suddenly turns and begins pushing her backwards through the crowd. He's wincing and she knows he's in pain but she can't get him to stop. He pushes her until they are backed against a far wall in the corner of the market.

"Castle…what's going on? What happened?"

He doesn't seem to be having a panic attack, he's completely with it and more aware looking than she has seen him be since the shooting. He's not answering her though and she's beginning to panic a little herself.

"Castle!"

"Kate….It's him." His eyes are wide and he's staring straight ahead to where they had just been standing minutes before. "It's the guy I saw out on the beach, he's here, he must have followed us."

She steps around him in search of the dark figure he told her about seeing the night before, the figure that had triggered his first panic attack. All she sees though is brightly dressed, normal looking people. "Castle, I don't see anyone dressed in dark clothing, are you sure you saw him?"

He steps forward so that he is beside her again and then he quickly shrinks back to where he was. "He's right where we were standing Kate, how can you not see him? What if it's the shooter? I can't lose you; I can't do this without you." He grabs her arm and she steps into him, crowds herself up against his body.

"Shh hey, it's okay you aren't going to lose me, I don't see anyone over there. If he was here he seems to be gone now and we don't know that it was the shooter. I think being surrounded by all of these people is overwhelming, why don't we head back to the house?"

He grips her tighter for a few minutes before finally easing his grip and allowing her to lead them through the crowd and back to the car. He keeps glancing nervously over his shoulder and she squeezes his hand to reassure him as they finally unlock the doors and settle into the car. He's quiet all the way back to the house, fidgeting nervously in his seat and watching in the mirror as if he expects a car to be following them. When they make it back to the house he remains silent as he takes a pain pill and eases down onto the couch.

She makes dinner silently, giving him time to process things before she tries to talk to him. She's worried about him, going to the market this soon probably wasn't the best idea but she is even more worried about this man he is claiming to have seen twice now. She wasn't there to witness it the first time but she'd been looking right where he was pointing this time and she hadn't seen anyone standing there that matched Castle's description. She wants to discuss this with him but she knows she needs to do it carefully if she doesn't want to push him away from her again. She goes over the things Dr. Wood told her while she finishes dinner, hoping that his techniques can help her get through this conversation with Castle.

When dinner is finished she goes over to him and finds that he has drifted off to sleep, he looks peaceful and she hates to wake him but they haven't eaten since they left this morning and he needs to eat in order to help rebuild his strength.

"Castle…" She whispers his name as she gently shakes his shoulder. He lets out a soft groan before his eyes flutter open and focus on her.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep."

"It's okay, you promised to rest when we got back here and I'm glad you kept that promise. Dinner is ready, do you feel like sitting at the table with me or do you want me to bring it to you here?"

"I'll come and sit with you, thank you for cooking for us."

She smiles at him and leans in to press her lips softly to his before helping him stand and walking to the table with him.

She waits until they've settled comfortably at the table and began eating before she starts the conversation. She's worried about his reaction but she knows they need to talk about this.

"Castle, about what happened earlier…"

He looks up at her and waits for her to continue.

"Tell me what was happening right before you saw the man, what you were thinking about."

He puts his fork down and leans back in his chair. "I don't really remember what I was thinking about, I was having a good time with you, thinking about what else I wanted to buy while we were there and I just looked up and there he was. He was so close to us, Kate. I can't believe I didn't notice him before that and I the only thing I was thinking was that I had to get you out of there."

"What was he wearing?" He told her the description of the guy the night before but she wants to hear him explain it again.

"He was wearing all black just like last time. You would think that would have made him stand out in the crowd we were in but no one seemed to notice him. He blended right into the crowd somehow, so much that he was right on top of us before we ever even saw him."

"That's the thing though Castle, I didn't see him." _Shit_, way to ease him into the conversation.

"What are you saying, Kate? That because you didn't see him, he doesn't exist, you think I made him up, and that I'm seeing things? I guess I'm losing my mind now is that it?"

He pushes his chair back from the table and starts to stand but she grabs his hand to stop him. So much for following the plan that Dr. Wood gave her.

"Castle wait, that's not what I am saying. Please don't walk away from this; I am just trying to understand what you are going through. I wasn't more than a few steps from you the entire time we were there and I never saw anyone dressed in all black. I was just thinking that maybe something was starting to trigger a panic attack and you stated thinking back to last night. I'm not saying he doesn't exist but maybe you just thought you saw him today."

"I know what I saw Kate. I'm not in the best condition right now but I am not crazy, he was there. I don't know what you want to hear from me but I'm not going to deny seeing him."

He pulls his hand from hers and stands up. "I'm not hungry anymore, I'll be upstairs."

This is not how she meant for this to go, she doesn't want him to think that she doubts him, she just wants to get to the bottom of this. She's never been good at words, those are his thing and she's just making things harder for them.

"Castle…."

"Not now Kate, I just need to be alone for a little while."

She lets him go, now isn't the time to push him. She clears the table after he leaves, her appetite had disappeared as well and she stands there in the silence of the house as she tries to calm her rapidly beating heart. She's no good at this, no good for him when it comes to opening up and discussing things. She never meant for him to think that she doesn't believe him; it's going to be hard to convince him that she does now. His theories on her cases can be wild and unbelievable sometimes, but he's always willing to listen when she has one, she needs to show that she trusts him more than he thinks she does.

She stands there lost in thought for a little while before she can't stand it anymore and she turns off the lights and heads up stairs. She finds him asleep in the master bedroom and she takes that as a sign that he didn't want to be alone all night. She gets ready for bed and eases in beside him before closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep in hopes that tomorrow things will be better.

In her current state of worrying about him and how she was going to fix things between them, she never even noticed the man dressed in black that stood watching from the beach.


	17. Chapter 17:Spinning Out of Control

**A/N: **In extreme gratitude for this story hitting 400 followers, I am posting this chapter a little early. I will warn you ahead of time that this chapter is pretty heavy. Were diving head first into Castle's PTSD. Stay with me though, as I have promised before, Caskett will prevail, there will be no break-ups or other relationships. Once again thank you for all of the reviews, favorites and follows! Please continue to leave reviews as it lets me know that I'm still writing readable material. Thanks again to my beta, Ally for sticking with me and for the encouragement and brainstorming sessions.

**Disclaimer:** I wish that I had created them, but borrowing them is still pretty fun.

* * *

**Chapter 17: Spinning Out of Control**

The night starts out peaceful; it seems the universe knows how much they both need to rest. She's lying with her back to him but they've both snuggled closer as the need for each other takes over. They manage to get several hours of sleep before another nightmare takes hold of Castle, and the storm once again rages around them.

The intensity of this one seems to have Castle paralyzed, he's whimpering and mumbling incoherent things but the only movement is his head back and forth on his pillow. She startles awake and turns to face him, and the moment she reaches out to him, all hell breaks loose. He screams out as he lurches forward and the only word he is saying now is clear.

He's on his feet before she can register what's happening and he's backing away from the bed, into the corner of the room. "No" is the only thing he is saying and he keeps repeating it over and over. By the time she gets out of the bed and over to him, he's crouched in the corner and his eyes are wide with fear. His breath is coming out in short gasps and his focus is clearly on something that isn't in the room.

Her heart aches for him as she kneels down beside him and tries to focus on the things Dr. Wood told her to do. She wasn't there when the first panic attack he had started, but this one seems to be more intense than the last one. She doesn't touch him yet, still aware of what happened the last time and the last thing she wants is for him to feel guilty if he lashes out again. She needs to remain calm more than anything so that's what she focuses on.

"Castle?" She calls his name softly, repeating it a few times until he seems to calm a little. When his eyes seem to focus on her she tries to reassure him.

"Hey, it's okay I'm right here, you're okay."

He lets out a small whimper of pain and he blinks at her, the fear still very evident in his eyes.

"You were dreaming again, can you tell me what you were dreaming about?"

He swallows hard and sucks in a breath as he tries to speak. "It…it was him…he was here, in the house. He had a gun and he kept saying he was going to make me watch him kill you. He said there was nothing I could do to save you."

He chokes up then and he clutches his chest as the panic rises again. "I couldn't…I couldn't save you…." He tries to take a breath then but the combination of his panic and the sobs stop him from getting much air.

"Oh Castle, it's okay, you did save me. I'm here, you didn't lose me." She tries to remain calm as the tears threaten to take hold of her too. "I'll be right back, I'm just going to get something from the bathroom. I'm not leaving." She rises quickly and grabs a washcloth from the shelf and wets it before returning to him. She places the cloth over his neck and scoots so she's sitting right next to him.

"Take deep breaths, I'll take them with you, just focus on me. I'm not going anywhere I promise." It takes a few moments but he finally calms down and matches his breathing with hers. When she feels him relax a little she reaches out and takes his hand and when he squeezes back she lets out a sigh of relief. She turns to him then, reaches out to softly run her thumb over his cheek where the tears are drying.

"I'm so sorry you're going through this, it breaks my heart to see you like this. I wish I could do more to help you." She drops her head but he reaches out and lifts her chin.

"It's not your fault Kate; you are helping me more than you know just by being here with me. Thank you for helping me through that just now, I couldn't do this without you."

"Always." She smiles as the word leaves her mouth. "I don't plan on going anywhere. Now let's get out of the floor, you need to rest."

She helps him up and back into the bed, once he is settled he reaches out for her and she smiles as she cuddles into his side.

"I'm still afraid I'll hurt you Kate, but the thought of being away from you makes this all seem so much worse. I don't know what to do." He reaches for her hand and runs his thumb softly over her knuckles.

"I'll tell you what we do, we do this together. We've always been stronger together, and I know you are worried about hurting me, but it's okay. You didn't hurt me earlier, and I know you would never hurt me on purpose. This is just something we have to work through, and I don't think doing it apart is the answer." She tightens her grip on his hand, and he kisses the top of her head.

"Okay, you're right, we can do this together."

She leans up and kisses him, pouring everything she's feeling into the kiss and he moans into her mouth before she pulls away. He doesn't hide his disappointment as she settles back into his side.

"Soon." That's all she gives him at first but then she whispers the rest. "And when the time does come, it will be extraordinary because we waited so long for it."

He's still smiling when he finally drifts off to sleep with her in his arms.

The rest of the night passes, allowing them both to get some much needed sleep. When she wakes in his arms for the first time since everything got worse, she can't contain the smile that stretches across her face. She hums contentedly and he shifts beside her before wrapping his arms around her.

"This is nice." She loves the way his voice sounds early in the morning, when he's still under the pull of sleep, but aware of what he is saying.

"Yes it is. I love being in your arms and there is something about waking up in them that I like even better." She traces patterns across his chest with her right hand, wanting this moment to last forever.

When his phone starts going off alerting them that they have to get ready for his cardiac rehab appointment, he groans in disappointment. "I don't want to move."

"Mmmm, I don't either, but we have to get you better so that this time spent in bed can be put to even better use." She gives him a saucy wink as she sits up and swings her legs over the side of the bed.

"Kate…don't say things like that to me, it's not fair that I can't act on them."

She laughs, and it's the first time she's felt like they are on the right track since she got here. They seem more like them and it's exactly what she needed. He follows her out of the bed and she heads to make his breakfast and coffee as he gets ready for the day. Once he's downstairs and she makes sure he has everything he needs, she heads upstairs to get ready.

* * *

She waits for him on a bench outside the cardiac rehab facility. It's a beautiful day and the sunshine is doing wonders for her mood from the last few weeks. She doesn't even think about the fact that sitting outside could potentially put her in the aim of another sniper; she's too wrapped up in her thoughts of Castle. Normally her detective senses would kick in and she'd be aware of everything around her, but once again the dark figure remains unnoticed while he watches from a distance.

It would be easy for him to take her out, she's more vulnerable now than she's been in a long time and one shot could easily take her out. His job at the moment isn't to take her out though; it's to watch, so for now, she remains unharmed and unaware.

When Castle exits the building and spots her alone on the bench, his good mood suddenly turns to distress. He's panting by the time he makes it over to her and she notices him.

"Kate…why are you sitting out here on this bench alone, do you not remember what happened to us only a few weeks ago? How could you put yourself in danger like that? What if I came out here and you were gone or worse, dead all because you put yourself in harm's way?"

She stands up from her place on the bench, surprised by his sudden outburst.

"Castle, calm down, nothing happened to me, I'm right here."

He steps closer to her, unable to fathom the thought of anything happening to her while he was in therapy. "The guy who shot you is still out there, Kate. He's still out there waiting for the perfect opportunity to take you out and you could have just given it to him."

She huffs, the reality of what he is saying setting in and she steps into his arms, wraps herself around him to calm them both down. His heart is racing and his breathing is accelerated and she knows this could be signs that he is on the verges of a panic attack. "I'm sorry Rick, I wasn't thinking, the sun was so bright and it was so beautiful out here I just needed some time to sit and be lost in thought for a little while. I wasn't even thinking about the shooter, I'm sorry."

He holds her tighter, and she buries her face in the crook of his neck, places her lips against his neck to calm him. "I can't lose you Kate, please don't leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere, it's okay, I'm right here. I promise I'll be smarter about things."

"Speaking of being smarter, we're still standing out here in the open, let's get out of here."

He pulls away from her and tugs on her hand until they are back to her car. He reluctantly releases her hand as they both slide into their seats and then quickly reestablishes his connection with her. Just as she is pulling away from the building, Castle spots the man he's been claiming to see.

"Kate! It's him, there he is, oh my gosh he was this close to you all this time." He's freaking out beside her and she's trying to figure out where he is looking while deciding how she is going to calm him down. She doesn't see anyone anywhere around them but he's still staring in the same direction.

"Kate what are you doing? We have to get out of here, he's going to kill us."

"Castle, I don't see anyone, where is he?"

Just as he turns back to point to where the man had been standing, he drops his hand and looks back at her.

"I swear her was just there, he was standing right there watching us."

"I didn't see anyone Castle, are you sure it was the same man?"

He looks back at her then, and she knows It was the wrong thing to say by the look on his face.

"Castle…"

"Just drop it, drive us home please."

She sighs and pulls out, glancing at him every few minutes on the way back to the house. He's quiet the whole way but she's not surprised.

When they get back to the house he gets out and waits for her and she thinks things might be okay but once they are in the house he heads for his office and she jumps a little when the door shuts much harder than usual. He clearly wants to be alone so she lets him have some time. She grabs a book from her bag and heads to the couch, figures she can catch up on some reading while she waits for him to come to her.

It's several hours later when she wakes on the couch, realizing she drifted off sometime after she started reading. She glances at her watch and sits up, placing the book she was reading onto the table. It's been extremely quiet since Castle disappeared into his office, and it's very unlike him to stay quiet for that long. She decides to go find him and try to clear things up, he's usually the one to push her to open up but it seems the roles have been reversed. This fight or whatever it is, is her fault anyways, she should have been more careful with her word choice earlier.

She's quiet as she approaches his office door, listening for any movement behind the door, when she doesn't hear any she softly knocks and waits for a response. When she doesn't get one, she slowly turns the handle and pushes the door open. She thinks the room is empty at first so she turns to close the door again.

"Castle?" The door to his office is almost shut behind her when she hears some noise coming from inside. She turns back around and opens the door again, listening for any more noise.

"Castle are you in here?" The room is large but not large enough that she shouldn't be able to see him if he's still there. She walks closer to his desk and that's when she sees him, sitting against the wall behind his desk with a bottle of scotch beside him. She has no idea how full the bottle was when he started but it's extremely close to empty now. She's not sure what the side effects are of combining drinking with some of the pain medications he is on but she's sure it's not going to be good. She's only ever seen him drink scotch a few times, and never in excess.

She kneels down beside him and she can smell the liquor on him before she ever makes it all the way down. This could be very bad and she's not sure she can handle it on top of everything else. "Castle?" She shakes his shoulder gently, careful not to jostle the still healing wound on his chest. He grunts and mumbles something incoherent but he otherwise doesn't move. "Castle, wake up!" He grunts again and opens one eye then the other before trying to focus on her. "Are you awake now?" He blinks a few times before focusing on her again.

"Yes, Kate I'm awake, can you stop talking so loudly. What time is it?"

"It's only been a few hours since you came in here, I fell asleep on the couch, have you been drinking this whole time?"

He glances down at the bottle of scotch like he's only just remembering that it's there. "Oh, I um, yeah I had a few glasses."

"Seriously? Do you know how dangerous it is to drink while you are on pain medication? I can't believe you would do this."

He turns his head from her then and he seems determined to not look at her again. "Yes, I am aware of the dangers Kate, I read the side effects on the bottle. I didn't drink that much I just needed something to take the edge off."

"Something to take the edge off of what? I was giving you time to cool off and then I was going to come and talk to you. I'm sorry for the way I worded things earlier I didn't mean for it to come out like that. We have been doing so much better communicating and now you're drinking, this is bad Castle."

She knows all to well what turning to the bottle does to people. She watched her dad do it when her mother died, she can't handle watching Castle do it as well.

He turns back to her then but his face is full of anger. "Well it did come out like that. Do you think this is easy for me? Everything that's going on and trying to deal with it all on top of seeing this man everywhere we go." She starts to say something but he waves a hand to cut her off. "Look I started thinking when I came in here earlier, you're right, you haven't seen him any of the times that I have. I can't think of any other reason for that other than the fact that he might not exist."

"Castle, that's not what I am saying, I'm sure he's very real to you, I just can't help but wonder why you have seen him all these times and I have yet to see him."

She crosses her legs now, trying to get more comfortable and she places a hand on his knee.

"So you think that I made him up? Did you ever stop and think that maybe he doesn't want you to see him?"

"No, that's not what I said, but the way the panic attacks have affected you in the last few days could play a big part in his appearances. As far as not wanting me to see him, I don't know, I think if it was the shooter he would have made a move by now."

His eyes flash the hurt he is feeling and she catches the look before he carefully schools his features again. "So now on top of everything else that's going on, I'm losing my mind, that's great. Maybe you should just take me to the asylum and drop me off." She knows it's mostly the alcohol talking, but the harsh tone of his voice lined with a hint of defeat has her control slowly slipping away.

"Castle, stop it! You are not losing it that is not what I said. There is a lot going on with your condition right now but you aren't losing your mind and there is no way I would ever take you and drop you off somewhere like that. This is not how I meant for this to go. I'm sorry, please forgive me. I know it's no excuse but all of this is taking its toll on me and I forget sometimes that I need to be a little more sensitive."

She squeezes his knee to let him know that she's serious and he nods in acceptance of her messy apology. "I know that you were upset, but drinking while on your medication could be very serious Castle, please don't do this again. Please don't make me watch someone else that I love go down this path. Please promise me that if you are upset that you will talk to me and that we will work through it together."

He takes her hand in his and his look softens as he looks at her, "I know I'm sorry I shouldn't have done this. I promise this won't be a regular thing Kate, I won't do that to you, I won't do that to us. I will come to you from now on I promise."

She wraps her arms around him while she controls the emotions she is feeling. After a few minutes she helps him up and after a few tries she finally gets him on his feet. He's a little unsteady, the effects of the alcohol still clearly evident as he stumbles before she wraps her arm around his waist. She has to hold them steady on the stairs to keep him from toppling them both back down them, but they finally make it to the bedroom and she gets him into the bed. She goes downstairs to make them a quick dinner and he relaxes on the bed while waiting for her to return.

* * *

He focuses, or tries to at least, on the beach outside the double doors, thinking about the night when he first saw the dark figure. He was so sure that what he saw was real, it had seemed to be the trigger for his panic attack. If the man didn't really exist then why had his mind conjured him up? He decides that if he sees him anymore, he will just keep it to himself, he doesn't need to worry Beckett any more than he already has and he definitely doesn't need her thinking that he has gone crazy on top of everything else. He will just deal with this himself, in the only way that he really knows how, by shutting that part of him off. If his PTSD is getting worse, it's just something he will have to live with; he won't burden her with anything else.


	18. Chapter 18: On the Edge

**A/N: **This chapter goes back and forth between Kate and Castle's POV, I separated it with line breaks so it won't be too confusing. Were slowly working our way through Castle's recovery and learning more about his PTSD. And after having a bit of writer's block I re-wrote chapter 19 several times and all I can say is, hold on tight, the storm is brewing stronger than ever for our beloved Caskett. Thank you so much for all of your feedback through reviews and/or PM's, your encouragement is amazing and I am forever grateful for it. Thank you for all of the follows and favorites as well! You all rock and I am so happy to have each one of you reading this story! All mistakes are my own!

**Disclaimer: **I adore these characters and everything about them, but I did not create them.

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**Chapter 18: On the Edge**

The next few weeks come and go without much conflict. Castle's recovery is going well and he's making better progress than expected. The knot on her head has healed and there have been no other incidents. She's been there every step of the way and although things are rocky at times, they've kept their promises of pushing each other to open up. When things get tough they work through it until they are both on the same page again. She's done her best to keep him from hiding behind the walls that she is all too familiar with. Dr. Wood has helped him tremendously in dealing with the panic attacks and some nights they manage to escape them and actually get a full nights rest.

Although they don't venture out much with the threat of the sniper still out there, they are trying to get out of the house a little more as time progresses. They can't live their lives in constant lock down. It's only when they are out in public that she begins to notice something is off with Castle. One minute he can be extremely talkative and in a seemingly great mood, the next he's quiet and closed off. She didn't catch on to it at first, thinking that it was just part of the way he was dealing with things, but something is definitely off.

She approaches it cautiously at first, waiting until the next time they are out and he begins shutting down. They are in the local market picking out some fresh fruits when he goes from telling a story about Alexis, to completely silent and is on the other side of the market before she can even process what is happening. Deciding to try a direct approach, she makes her way over to him.

"Castle, what's wrong?"

He glances up at her and she can see him trying to school his features but she catches the flash of fear before he gets it under control. He swallows hard before answering her.

"Nothing is wrong, why do you ask?"

His tone of voice is different when he lies to her and she wonders if he's ever thought about the fact that she picks up on stuff like that, it is part of her job after all.

"You were telling me a story about Alexis and the next thing I knew you were way over here. To me that kind of seems like something is wrong."

"Oh, um I was finished with the story and I saw something I wanted over here."

He's lying again and she gives him a minute to revise his story but he seems to be sticking to what he just said.

"Castle, you stopped in the middle of your sentence, you were not finished with your story and we have already been on this side of the market, now what's going on?"

For a split second she thinks he's going to tell her the truth but then just as quickly he shuts down again.

"Sorry I just lost my train of thought I guess, it's nothing okay. I'm going to go over here and get a few things." And just like that he shuts her off and leaves her standing there trying to figure out what's happening.

When they get back to the house, he's still quiet and she decides to give him some time, thinking maybe he will come to her at some point. They have been pushing each other to open up, but something about this tells her that if she pushes to hard, he's just going to shut her out even more. She wracks her brain trying to come up with anything that could have caused him to become distant from her, but nothing stands out to her.

He comes out of his office a little while later and she's already prepared to drive him to his therapy appointment with Dr. Wood when he surprises her yet again.

"You don't have to take me today, Kate. I called my driver earlier, he's already waiting outside."

Now she knows something is really wrong, he lets her drive him to all of his appointments even if they aren't on the best terms at the time.

"Why would you call your driver when I'm here?"

"I just figured you could use a break, take some time for yourself. I'll be back in a little while."

He doesn't give her a chance to answer, before she can even form a sentence he is out the door. She has no idea what she has done to cause him to act this way towards her, but she can't fix it if he won't open up to her. They seem to take two steps back every time they take one step forward. She's not sure she can talk him off the edge, if she's standing just as close to it herself.

* * *

He hates that this is pushing him and Kate farther apart, hates that closing himself off is so easy for him. For the past three years he fought to get through her walls and now he's doing the same thing to her. It's just so hard to open up to her about something she doesn't believe. The past few weeks have been hard, he's seen the same man from the beach every time they have been somewhere in public. At first he wanted to grab her and get as far away as possible but then he remembered that each time he told her about seeing him, she never saw him herself. It's bad enough that he has PTSD from the shooting and that he has no control over when a panic attack is going to set in but if he's seeing someone that doesn't exist, he's far worse than he ever thought he could be.

He hasn't told Dr. Wood about the man, he's been using his time to work through some of his other fears. In all honestly he's just worried that the man will think he's crazy and he's not sure he can handle hearing that. Today is different though, he feels like he's losing Kate, or going to lose her if he doesn't learn how to deal with this and let her in, so today he decides to open up.

"Mr. Castle, come on in, how are you today?"

He takes his regular seat in the chair across from Dr. Wood and makes himself comfortable before he answers. The wound that's now healed into an ugly scar on his chest still pulls some when he sits or moves around, but the pain is far less than is was at first.

"I'm doing okay thanks, and you?"

"Doing well, thank you. What would you like to talk about today?"

His heart pounds rapidly as he prepares to open up about the man. It's the only way he is going to work through this though so he clears his throat and begins.

"Well there is something I haven't told you about, something that I'm not even sure about myself."

"And what might that be?"

"The first night I had a panic attack, I was out on my balcony, when I saw a dark figure staring up at me from the beach. I am positive that is what triggered the attack because the first thing I thought of was the shooter."

"I see, please continue."

"I told Kate about seeing him when she arrived that night and then I put the thought out of my mind. Then one day we were out at the market and I saw him again, of course it was daylight this time and he was much closer but I knew it was him the instant I saw him. The first thought I had was to get Kate out of there, but when I pointed him out to her, she said she didn't see him and the next thing I knew he was gone."

"So how many times have you seen him exactly?"

"Well I have seen him quite a bit, almost every time we are in public actually, but the last time I pointed him out to Kate things didn't go so well."

"When was that? What happened?"

"It was a few weeks ago, Kate drove me to my cardiac rehab appointment, she was waiting for me outside when I got done and I kind of flipped out a little bit about the fact that she was outside alone. We discussed it for a few minutes and then made our way to the car. When she was about to pull out I saw him, I think he had been watching us the entire time, but once again when I pointed him out to Kate he was gone."

"So Kate has never seen him at all?"

"No. After the last time of me trying to point him out to her we had a pretty big fight about it."

"So she doesn't believe you when you tell her that he is there?"

"She didn't come right out and say that, but she did seem concerned about the fact that I was seeing him and she wasn't."

"So how do you feel about that?"

"Well at first I was mad; mad that she didn't seem to believe me, she never said that she thought I was making it up but the way she talked to me kind of implied it. I decided after that to just not tell her anymore when I see him. And yes I have seen him several times since then."

"What do you do when you see him if you don't tell Kate about it?"

"I always feel a panic attack coming on when I spot him, my first instinct is always to get Kate out of there but since she doesn't see him I usually try to focus on not having a panic attack. I usually detach myself from the situation and try to focus on something else."

"And how is that working for you? Does Kate notice when this happens?"

"Well it's not always easy, I'm still terrified of losing her, but I figure that if he was going to take her out, he's already had the opportunity to do so. So there must be another reason that he is following us. Kate didn't seem to notice at first but it was getting harder to hide my emotions and she seemed to catch on while we were out earlier. We didn't really have an argument but I didn't tell her what was really going on either so things have been tense since then."

"I take it that is the reason she didn't bring you to your appointment today?"

"Yeah, I figured we could use a little time apart."

He shifts uncomfortably in his chair, on one hand he feels better about finally opening up to someone, on the other he's terrified to hear what Dr. Wood thinks.

"I'm sure this has all been very difficult for you. You've come a long way since the first time I saw you though and this is just a bump in the road. I am glad you decided to tell me about this, it will help us get you through this if you are completely open with me."

"Do you think I'm losing my mind?"

"No I don't; in fact, I think the man you are seeing is very real. There must be a reason that each time you want Kate to see him, he disappears. What I think will help you even more though is opening up to Kate. She needs to see how real this is for you, if you are going to be in a relationship you need to be able to open up to her, even when it's hard. I know this subject has been a hard one for the two of you but I think sitting down and having a rational conversation with her will benefit you both."

"What if we can't get passed this?"

"I feel that your fear of losing Kate is the very thing that is making this so hard for you. From what I have seen of her and learned about her by talking to you, I don't think you are giving her enough credit. I think she will stand by your side through this, and if this man is a threat to you both, then you are going to need each other."

He can't believe how much better he feels just by voicing his concerns with the doctor and letting go of everything that he has been holding in. He just hopes he can hold on to that feeling until he can talk to Kate.

"Thank you for everything Dr. Wood."

"You're welcome, that's what I'm here for. I will see you in a few days, Mr. Castle."

* * *

She's equally worried and upset by the time the driver brings him back to the house. Time alone is that last thing she wanted and the only purpose it has served is to make her emotional, if it was even possible for her to be any more emotional than she has been. Whatever this is that is going on between them is keeping them from moving forward in their relationship. She needs to figure out a way to get him to open up to her. Somehow he managed to demolish her walls and she needs to do the same for his.

When he comes in the door she refrains from rushing to him, her need to be in his arms is going to have to wait until they've talked. She isn't going to have to wait long for that talk though because as soon as he comes in the door, he comes directly towards her and takes a seat beside her on the couch.

"I'm sorry." It's only two words but the emotional impact that comes with them has her fighting to hold it together. She can't seem to form anything worth saying at the moment so he continues.

"I need to be honest with you about something, Kate. I should have done that from the beginning, but I'm scared of how this is going to go."

"Castle, I'm here, I'm listening."

He turns so he's facing her on the couch, the seriousness of this conversation is clearly portrayed by the look on his face and she takes a deep breath to prepare herself.

"The night we had that fight about the man I've been seeing, something in me changed. When it seemed like you didn't think I was really seeing him, I started shutting myself off. Drinking was the first step in that and I wish I had never done that, but I did. I promise I haven't touched it again since, but in its place I started building a wall. I closed that part of myself off from you because I was scared of what opening up about it might do to us."

He looks down for a moment before he continues, and she desperately wants to reach out for his hand, but something tells her that he needs her to stay where she is for now, so she does.

"I decided that night, that if I saw him again, I would just keep it to myself." He looks away from her again and her heart sinks at words of his confession. He thought he had to keep this from her, what has she done to him? "The truth is I have seen him almost every time we have been in public since then. I can feel the panic attack starting up each time and that's why I usually walk away. I have learned to focus on something else, but in order for me to do that I needed to walk away from you each time. The man terrifies me, Kate. I don't know why he follows us, because honestly if he wanted to take us out, he could have already."

"Castle I…." He cuts her off before she can continue.

"Wait, just let me finish please. I need to get this all out."

She nods and waits for him to continue.

"I talked to Dr. Wood about it today. I hadn't told him anything about the man until now. He doesn't think I'm crazy, he believes the man really exists. Kate, all this time I was beginning to think that I was losing my mind. I thought that on top of everything else I was going to lose it and in the process lose you. That's why I closed myself off."

He turns away from her when he finishes speaking and she struggles with finding the right words. He thought he was going to lose her if he told her the truth? How could she not have seen that this was the reason for the wall? She inches closer to him and puts her hand on his shoulder.

"Hey listen to me; I would never think that you were crazy, not for something that you are going through and certainly not for telling me the truth. If you say that he exists then I believe you and I'm so sorry that I ever doubted you. I should have listened to you before; maybe if I would have then we wouldn't be in this position right now. I was worried about you when I wasn't seeing him too, but just because I never saw him, that doesn't give me a right to think he doesn't exist. Please know that you can always come to me and open up to me, I promise I will stand by you because you have always stood by me."

She gives him a minute to process before she's pulling him to sit back against the couch and then she climbs into his lap. She places her hands on his shoulders and looks directly into his eyes, making sure that he knows she means everything she has said and is going to say.

"Richard Castle, I love you and I am not planning on going anywhere. I want you more than I have ever wanted anyone before and that is never going to change."

She senses the moment the wall crumbles, the moment the final piece falls and he truly believes everything she's said. She can almost see it as it happens; see the clarity as it appears on his face. She wonders if he saw something similar each time he demolished one of her walls and when she confessed her feelings to him that night in the hospital bed.

"I love you too Kate and I have never wanted anyone as much as I want you either. I have never been so terrified to lose someone. I'm sorry that I pushed you away."

"I'm sorry that I gave you a reason to push me away, and I'm sorry that you felt like you were going to lose me. I'm not leaving; I just want us to get passed this."

"We will, I've never felt closer to you than I do right now. I promise not to run anymore. Dr. Wood said something to me today that is very true. If we are going to be in a relationship, we need to be able to open up to each other completely. He was right, our strength comes from how good we are together, and if this man is a threat to us then we need each other to fight this battle."

She wraps her arms around his neck and leans her body closer to him. "We have each other and that is not going to change. You survived taking a bullet for me, I'm not about to let you go after that. Thank you for opening up to me, I feel like we just took a huge step forward."

He wraps his arms around her waist, keeping her snugly against him. "We did, and I want nothing more than to continue moving forward with you." He leans forward then, closing the last little bit of distance between them and captures her lips with his. It's slow and sweet at first, each conveying their forgiveness and acceptance into the kiss. It only stays like that for a few seconds and then the passion and need for each other takes over.

She rocks against him, unable to keep her hips still and he runs his tongue over her bottom lip, silently asking for permission before she opens up to him. It's like throwing fuel on the fire, a fire that's been building in intensity for the past three years. His tongue is slick and hot in her mouth and he moans as her rocking brings her into direct contact with the place he wants her most. She gasps and pulls away from his mouth, already missing the feeling of his lips on hers. "Shit, Castle I'm sorry." She's having trouble controlling her breathing and it comes out a little breathier than she meant it.

"Why are you apologizing? I just had one of the hottest make-out sessions ever with this super sexy woman who's currently sitting in my lap.

They've been careful when kissing like this since she got here. They both know that they can't really do much more than that until Castle is fully healed and the closer they get to each other the harder it is to stop. "I shouldn't have lost control like that, I just want you so badly, all of you and when we kiss like that, it's hard to control myself."

"Hey…" He reaches up to brush a piece of her hair out of her face and he smiles at her, that genuine smile that reaches his eyes, and she hasn't seen it in so long that it makes her finally calming heart race again. "It's okay, I want you too. I hate the fact that I can't take you up to the bedroom right now and show you just how much I want you. We're getting closer though, and I am counting down the days until I can worship every inch of your beautiful body."

She blushes and reaches out to take his hand. "I can't wait for that day either. Still, it's disappointing that your body has this reaction to me and I can't do anything about it."

"Well, I'll settle for your lips on mine for now." She can't deny him when he looks at her like that and she's crashing her lips back to his before he can say anything else.

* * *

She sleeps in his arms that night and although the nightmares still come, they fight through them together. Each time she settles back into his arms she knows, they are winning this battle one day at a time and although it's not over, it's a battle she doesn't mind fighting as long as she's still in his arms in the end.


	19. Chapter 19:Keep Your Eyes Open

**A/N:  
**As I stated before hold on tight for this one. Before you read this chapter please know that I had to split it into two chapters to keep it from being too long. That being said, chapter 20 is already written and will be posted shortly after this chapter if you all review and let me know you want it. This isn't about getting more reviews (although every author appreciates reviews to keep us fueled and excited to be writing for you) the reviews will just help me know when you all are ready for the next chapter. Don't come after me with pitchforks, I already promised a happy ending and I am sticking to that. We're getting closer to the end of Rick's rehab which means we are one step closer to fluffy times. Stick with me! Thanks again for all of the reviews, favorites and follows, the response to this story has been more than I ever imagined. Huge thank you to Ally for sticking with me as well!

**Disclaimer: I love them, but I will never own them.**

* * *

**Chapter 19: Keep Your Eyes Open**

Four more weeks of cardiac rehab and frequent visits with Dr. Wood have done wonders for Castle. Opening up to Kate about the mysterious man was one of the best things for them. They've managed to work through any small bumps in communication and they are growing closer together with each day that passes. His strength is improving and the place where the bullet entered has fully healed into a scar. It still pulls when he does too much, but he's impressed with how much better he is feeling. It's hard to believe that just eight weeks ago, he was on the ground looking up into her beautiful eyes and wondering if it would be the last time he ever saw them.

It's been eight weeks of pain and hard work; eight weeks of fighting to remember who he is and to be the man that he desperately wants to be for_ her_. The PTSD has affected him in so many ways and he has had to learn to deal with and accept them. The fact is this has changed him in a way that he can never go back to the way he was before, and even if he could, he's not sure he would choose to. Truthfully, he misses not feeling anxious every time he leaves his house, and he misses getting a full nights rest that actually feels restful. He wishes he could sleep next to her without that constant fear that he might hurt her during the night. Even with all of that though, he's thankful for the clarity this has brought to his life, he's thankful for the caution he now takes regarding his life and hers. More than any of that he is thankful that they are together, because as much of a nightmare as this has been, it's also kind of a fairytale in a way.

His mother and Alexis have been calling regularly to check on them, but after he and Kate both explained his PTSD to them, they have been staying in the city. He loves them dearly and he knows they want to be there for him, but he doesn't want them to witness an episode any time soon or at all if he can help it. Kate is doing a good job helping him through them, but he can see the toll it's taking on her and he knows how hard it is on her to watch him when he's having one. She's never left his side during one though and he's thankful that she's been right there through each of them. She's his anchor and he has so much admiration for the strength she continues to show in all of this.

He has about four more weeks of cardiac rehab left and as long as he continues to improve his strength, he has the option of going back to the loft. He can continue his strength exercises there. He only has two major concerns with going back to the city, one being that he's not sure he can talk to anyone other than Dr. Wood about his PTSD and the other being that the shooter is still out there. He knows when Kate goes back to work that she will dive right back into the case and he's not ready for any that. He won't be able to return to the precinct with her for at least six more weeks and even then he's not sure how it's going to go. He wants more than anything to be by her side, but he's not sure how much he can actually handle now without his PTSD being triggered. That's a conversation they still need to have, but he's hoping to put it off as long as he can.

Since telling Kate about the man that was following them and convincing her that he is real, she's been on high alert whenever they are out. Her detective senses have kicked in and she never lets her guard down. Of course it only makes sense that since she started doing that, she hasn't seen him at all and neither has he. It's like he knows their next steps even before they do. Kate hasn't said anything about the fact the he seems to have disappeared, and she has yet to see him, she just keeps watch and he loves her even more for it.

* * *

Today has been good; she's in the kitchen making their dinner while he rests on the couch. He's been in good spirits today and some of it may be due to the good report he got at his cardiac rehab appointment. He also had a good session with Dr. Wood, they have a thing now where he tells him about his episodes and they talk through them, then they work on moving forward. It keeps him from focusing on them and she's seen a big change in him already since they started doing that.

She's so happy with the progress they have made, although Rick's PTSD has put some hindrances in their relationship at times, they are doing well at working through them. She's getting restless though, she's always been driven, that's part of what makes her so good at her job and not being at the precinct is starting to get to her. She loves being here with him, and she's glad the new captain made her take time off, but she's not sure how much longer she can go without working. She wants him with her when she goes back though, as scary as him getting shot was, she can't imagine him not being by her side. They need to have this conversation and she's not quite sure how it's going to go. She's pretty sure he will still want to be there with her, but they are going to have to be cautious about the things he is subjected to.

She's just putting their plates on the table when he joins her, his good mood still evident in his smile when he looks at her.

"Thank you for making dinner again, this looks wonderful."

"It was my pleasure; I thought it was about time you tried my mom's secret spaghetti sauce."

She winks at him and waits for him to try the first bite.

"Mmm Kate, this is amazing. Your mom must have been a fantastic cook."

"Oh she was I owe all of my cooking abilities to her."

"I can see why, thank you for sharing this with me. It's so good."

"I'm glad you like it, she would be too."

They eat in a comfortable silence, each enjoying their food. When they are finished she clears the table and does the dishes while he gets a movie ready for them. When she finally joins him in the living room, he's made himself comfortable on the couch and he motions for her to lie down next to him. She smiles and eases herself down next to him so that her back is up against his front. He wraps his arms around her before starting the movie. She forgets what's even playing almost instantly, the only thing she can focus on is being wrapped in his arms, a feeling she never wants to be without. It doesn't take long before she's sound asleep and he soon follows after her.

The credits are rolling and the house is dark when something brings her from a deep sleep to fully awake. Castle is still sound asleep behind her, but something doesn't feel right to her. She carefully moves out of his arms and sits up, scanning the room as the does. She's positive that if someone would have entered the house they would have heard, but she can't shake the uneasy feeling that she has. She glances back at Castle before she heads toward the stairs, he seems so peaceful and he needs to rest so she doesn't want to wake him. She makes it to their room and grabs her gun out of the drawer by the bed. It's her back up piece since she had to hand hers over when she went on leave, but she wasn't about to come here with no protection for them.

She checks out the rest of the house, but everything seems to be fine. Once she's sure that no one else has come in the house she sets the alarm system so that they will know if anyone does. She still doesn't feel at ease though, something obviously caused her to wake and she's not going to be able to relax until she figures out what it is. She returns her gun to the drawer upstairs and then heads back down the stairs to turn the television off. She eases down onto the couch beside Castle and gently shakes his shoulder to wake him.

"Castle, let's go to bed, you'll be more comfortable there then on the couch."

He groans a little but opens his eyes to focus on her and then pushes himself into a sitting position. "Guess we kind of missed the movie, huh?"

"Yeah, I don't think we made it passed the first thirty minutes before we were both asleep."

He gives her a small smile before reaching out to softly run his thumb across her cheek. "That's okay I think we both needed that. Now let's go snuggle some more in our bed."

She smiles and takes his hand as they make their way up to the bedroom together. She's finished with her bathroom routine and waiting while he finishes his. She's about to get in the bed when something catches her attention out on the beach. She walks over to the double doors, but after scanning the beach she doesn't see anything. She still can't shake that uneasy feeling, but she doesn't want to alarm Castle.

She forgets how well he can read her though when he emerges from the bathroom and finds her standing by the doors. "Hey, what's wrong?"

He wraps his arms around her from behind and rests his head on her shoulder.

"What makes you think something is wrong?"

"Kate, I know you, I know when something is bothering you. Tell me."

She turns in his arms and wraps herself around him, letting the feeling of his arms around her ground her for a minute. "Listen Castle, I don't want to alarm you, but something caused me to wake up when we were sleeping downstairs. I just have this uneasy feeling and I can't shake it. I checked the entire house and set the alarm system, but something still doesn't feel right."

She feels him tense in her arms and she places a few kisses into his neck before pulling back to look at him. "Hey, it's okay. The house is secure and my gun is in the drawer by the bed, we're okay."

He relaxes a little and pulls her to the bed with him. Once they are settled in he wraps his arms around her and she laces their fingers together. "Castle, get some sleep okay, I'm right here."

"I love you, Kate."

"I love you too."

She hears when his breathing finally evens out behind her and she rubs soothing circles over his hand with her thumb. She's glad he's getting some sleep; she needs him to continue healing. She tries closing her eyes and getting some sleep as well but something tells her that she needs to keep her eyes open.

* * *

It's several hours later and she still hasn't been to sleep. Her body is so alert she's not sure she'll be getting any sleep any time soon. She sighs and is about to shift her body when a movement outside catches her eye. She moves from the bed as carefully as she can, not wanting to wake Castle, or make any more noise than necessary. She slips on her shoes and a jacket and grabs her gun. She takes one last look back at Castle before she disarms the security system and slips out the back door.

She makes it about ten steps toward the beach when she sees him. She knows it's the guy Castle has been seeing the instant she lays eyes on him. He's dressed in all black and he's moving quickly down the beach. Every part of this situation screams for her to go back into the house, to let this go and call the boys at the precinct. She won't though, she knows even as she runs after him down the beach that this is who she is. She doesn't back down from a fight and this is her fight, she won't let anyone else she loves get hurt while trying to protect her.

He dashes up the hill onto the cliff overlooking the beach. He hadn't meant for her to see him, but this is working out even better. All these weeks spent watching them; waiting for the right time, making sure she never saw him. She's been alone several times, but he would have never gotten away with it then. He had fun messing with the writer, making her think he was crazy; it made his job even better. He had to wait for the perfect time to take her out, and she's made that even easier for him. She's following him and she's alone, no writer to take another bullet for her, no backup, just her. He's seen her fight, she's tough, but he's trained and he knows he can take her. He's just fast enough to beat her up the hill and get into position. Now is his chance, to put Kate Beckett in the ground, once and for all.

Adrenaline is pumping through her system by the time she reaches the top of the hill. She was closing in on him and she knows he's up here somewhere. She's been ready for this fight for years, but the truth is, no one knows she's out here. She has no back up coming and if things don't go her way chances are this could be the end for her. She pushes the thought out of her mind and she prepares for what she's about to face. She's smart, she moves quickly with her gun drawn, and taking in her surroundings. He's quicker though and one minute she's holding her gun the next it's knocked from her hand and she's on the ground.

She's not going down without a fight; she rolls back onto her knees and grabs her gun. She only gets seconds to take aim before he kicks it to the side again out of her reach. It's a battle of strength now and she puts up the best fight she ever has. Even with all of the training she has done though, it seems she is no match for him. He gets a hand to her throat that sends her to her knees again and she gasps for breath as he closes in on her.

"Please, just tell me who's behind this?"

"You're wasting your time Detective, you've know idea what you're up against."

She gathers up all the strength she has left as she dives for him, "Neither do you." She intends to knock him down long enough to grab her gun but once again he over powers her. He throws her with such a force that she rolls a few times, the last one sending her over the edge of the cliff. She manages the grab hold of some roots, stopping her from plunging straight down onto the rocks.

"Help! HELP!"

He ignores her cries for help as he steps up to the edge of the cliff and looks down at her. "Actually, we know exactly who we're up against." He smirks down and her for a minute and then he's gone.

She continues to cry out for help, knowing it's unlikely that anyone is going to hear her. She glances down at what's below her and reality begins to set in. There is now way she would survive the fall, even if she missed the giant rocks, the water that's coming in against them is so rough she would drown before she made it out. What little bit of strength she had left after the fight with the shooter is almost gone now and she knows she won't be able to hold on much longer.

She didn't even leave Castle a note, they were doing so well and she thought they were going to finally have a future together and now she's going to fall to her death and never even get to tell him goodbye. In this moment she realizes that the fight was never the most important thing in her life, he is.

When her right arms slips and she's left hanging by only her left, the panic begins to set in. This is it for her; this is how she's going to die.

"CASTLE! Please! Ah not like this, please not like this. CASTLE!"

"BECKETT!"

She could swear she hears his voice, but could he really have heard her from the house?

"CASTLE!"

"BECKETT!"

"CASTLE, I"M HERE!"

"BECKETT, HANG ON!"

And just as her hand is about to slip and she prepares herself for the crash against the rocks, he is there, and his hand wraps around hers the moment that her grip falters.

She has no idea how he does it, but he manages to haul her back up onto the hillside, and she knows it had to have caused him a great deal of pain. He is here though and he just saved her life, again, and she wonders if there will be a day when he will get tired of saving her.

He pulls them a safe distance from the cliff and then collapses onto the ground with her partially on top of him, both trying to catch their breath. Despite the fact that he is recovering from a gunshot wound, he recovers quicker than she does and he's on his feet before she knows what's happening.

"Kate, what the hell? What are you doing out here alone and how in the world did that happen?"

He's pissed and she knows this is going to be the fight that either makes or breaks them. He could walk away from her after this and she really couldn't blame him one bit.

She finally gets her breathing and the panic of almost falling to her death under control and she pushes herself up off the ground.

"Rick, I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? That's it, that's all you are going to say?"

She looks away from him because she can't handle the look he is giving her right now.

"Kate, tell me what happened, please."

She notices that her gun is still lying on the ground a few feet away from them and she wants to have this conversation in the safety of his house so she moves around him and grabs her gun. When she turns around to face him again, he looks as though she's just committed the ultimate betrayal and truthfully, maybe she has. Her decision to do this alone could be the most selfish thing she has ever done, especially after what he has done for her, but it's just a part of who she has always been.

"Rick, not here please, let's go back in the house then I will tell you everything okay?"

"Fine." He turns and walks with her back to the house without saying another word.

* * *

When they make it back into the house, she checks it over to make sure it's safe and he resets the alarm system. She comes downstairs from putting her gun back in the drawer and finds him sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. His bottle of pain medication is on the table in front of him and she knows he's probably hurting pretty badly after pulling her to safety.

She remains standing as she prepares to tell him what she has done.

"Rick, I saw him okay, I saw the shooter. You were right, he is real and he has been following us all this time."

He glances up at her and she knows he is registering what she has done before she's even said it, but he allows her to continue.

"I told you that I had that uneasy feeling when I woke up down here earlier, and I couldn't shake it. Once you fell asleep I continued to lay there, keeping watch and just as I was about to turn over, I saw some movement out on the beach. It was him, Rick. I knew he was the shooter as soon as I laid eyes on him and I have no idea why he waited all this time to make a move, but it was him. I had to follow him; I thought I could end this."

She waits for him, knows he has something he wants to say.

"Obviously you didn't end this or you wouldn't have been hanging off a cliff. Tell me the rest."

She swallows hard and fights the lump that's building in her throat because she knows the next part is going to hurt him more than she already has.

"I uh, I went after him, he ran up the hillside and I was right on his heels but when I got up there he was gone. I was careful but he was fast and he got my gun away from me. We fought and I gave it everything I had but he was just too strong, I was no match for him. I tried to get him to tell me who he was working for, but he wouldn't. I took one last dive at him but he was ready for me and he threw me with such force that I toppled over the edge of the cliff."

He stands up then, and he starts pacing around the room before he speaks again.

"So if I hadn't realized you were gone and walked out onto the balcony and heard you yelling, you would be dead right now."

She takes a step towards him as a sob rips it way up her chest and out of her mouth. "Rick…"

"After everything we've been through, all of the progress we have made, I can't believe you would do this. Well actually I can, because it's who you are, Kate, you don't let people in. I take a bullet for you and you try to throw your life away anyway. Why do you think I pushed you out of the way that day, Kate? It wasn't so everyone could call me a hero, it's because you mean so much to me that I can't imagine my life without you. You repeatedly choose to fight this battle on your own when all along I've been standing right here, ready to fight with you and I just don't get it. You are more than this fight, I wish you could see that and I wish you could trust me to stand by you through it."

He puts more distance between them then and as much as she deserves this, she's not sure how much more she can take. "Rick, please…"

He won't look at her now and his next words are all it takes to finally break her. "I don't know what's worse, the fact that you didn't care enough to wake me and let me fight this with you, or the fact that you fought it alone and I could have lost you forever."

She drops to her knees, unable to stand any longer, she ruined this, ruined them and she doesn't even know why. She just wanted this to be over, wanted them to be able to go back home and feel somewhat safe again, instead she's broken the man who has done nothing but stand by her side for the last three years. Her emotion takes control of her and she can't stop the sobbing as she buries her face in her hands.


	20. Chapter 20: The Battle

**A/N: **Since some of you asked so nicely, here is the next chapter. It gets better, I promise! Thank you so much for all of the awesome reviews on the last chapter, please let me know what you think of this one too. I love hearing from you all! Before any of you leave me a review about this or send me a PM, I am aware that it's still a little soon for Castle to have done what he did and not have a major setback, but since I am the author of this story I am going with what I wrote. He is going to have some setbacks and some added PTSD episodes, but ultimately they are still going back to the loft in a few weeks. I feel it will still be mostly realistic so just go with it! Sometimes when faced with a life or death situation that involves you or someone you love, the human body can do some amazing things with minimal consequences. Thanks so much for reading and thank you to Ally for continuing to help me and not leaving me and my crazy ideas to fend for ourselves. :P

**Disclaimer: If I ever got the chance, I'd accept it in a heartbeat.**

* * *

**Chapter 20: The Battle**

The eye of the storm, although calm is always the most intense part, because what's coming next is so unpredictable. The storm has already battered and bruised, but it's nowhere near over. If anything the worst part of it comes after, after it's had time to rebuild its intensity and when it finally comes crashing back in, it unleashes a fury so strong that everyone feels the impact. It takes strength to survive and endure, but it takes even more to continue after it's over.

She's not enough for him, and she doesn't think she ever will be, if he walks away right now he'll be doing himself a favor. She's a broken, closed off, selfish person and she never thought she would fall in love with anyone, but he does something to her that she can't explain. After all this time she finally let him in, only to push him right back out again and honestly she has no idea if they can get passed this. Even though he has every right to leave her alone with the mess she's made, he stays.

He's quiet while she cries, as much as she wants him to wrap her in his arms and tell her everything will be okay, he doesn't, and she can't blame him. When she finally pulls herself together somewhat she half expects him to be gone from the room, but he's still there, just like he always is. He's standing by the fireplace in the shadow of the room and she can't see his face or the pain he's currently trying to hide.

She picks herself up off the ground and cautiously walks over to where he is standing. She's not sure voice will hold out, but something tells her that he needs her words now more than ever.

"Castle, I'm sorry, I know that it's not enough, but I truly am sorry."

When he doesn't answer she decides to continue, hoping that he is at least listening to her.

"I was selfish tonight, I should have thought about how this could have affected you. I just….I saw a chance to take him out and I had to take it. I saw the impact this has had on you while we have been here, what seeing him almost constantly has done to you and I just wanted this to be over. I should have never gone after him on my own, you are right, this isn't my battle to fight alone now, it's ours. As much as I hate to admit it, I can't do this on my own anymore, and if anyone is going to be by my side for it, you're the one I want it to be."

He makes some kind of noise that sounds much like a snort and it's the first time that he's acknowledged that he's listening since she started talking.

"You sure didn't seem to want me by your side when you went out there alone tonight, Kate."

He's right, she made so many bad decisions tonight and she deserves his anger.

"I wasn't thinking, Rick. I just want this to be over so badly."

"Yeah so much that you would throw your life away to end it?"

"That is not what I was doing, I wasn't planning to go out there and get thrown over the side of a cliff."

He spins to face her then, and it's the first time he's looked into her face since they started this and she's never seen him look like he does in this moment. He's angry, that's clearly evident, but there's so much more than anger written on his face right now.

"Regardless of what you were planning, you DID get thrown over the side of a cliff and once again I came ridiculously close to losing you. I can't even…do you have any idea how much this is killing me right now? Is this how it's always going to be, you choosing your mother's case over everything else?"

She flinches at the anger laced in his words, but she fights back because as much as he is right about her choosing this over him, she didn't go after the shooter just for her mother, she went after him for them too.

"That's not fair, Rick. You know how much her case means to me, how important solving it is to me. I have chosen it over everything in the past, but tonight I went after him to end this for all of us. I know it doesn't look that way, but please give me some credit; I have been trying more than ever to be what you deserve. I want to solve my mother's case, but I want you with me, I'm not choosing it over you."

She reaches out to touch him but he jumps back as if she burned him and then he's wincing in pain and she knows that pulling her from the side of that cliff has cost him. She needs to leave him alone, needs to give him a chance to find someone that deserves him. She never meant to hurt him this much.

"I know I already said this, but I am sorry. I know that this won't make it better but I need you to know that when I was hanging off of that cliff the only thing I was thinking about was you. I have done a lot of stupid things, but falling in love with you is not one of them. I'm done fighting this on my own, I won't go after him again, not without back up."

She waits a few minutes but when he doesn't say anything she makes the decision she thinks he needs her to make.

"You don't have to forgive me Rick; I don't deserve your forgiveness. Thank you for saving my life, again. I owe you more than I could ever repay you for. I think it's best if I leave though, I don't want to put any more stress on you so I will go get my things and then I will be out of here."

She only makes it a few steps before he's on her, backing her up against the wall with a look of intensity that she has never seen before. "If you think that I am letting you walk out of here, away from me, after almost losing you again and after everything we have been through, you are seriously mistaken." And then his lips are on hers and it's desperate and fierce and she knows her lips will be bruised, but she never wants him to stop kissing her like that. When he pulls away for air, she fights the need to crush her lips back to his and she has to concentrate on breathing before she can speak again.

"Rick?"

"I love you and I can't imagine my life without you. You are maddening and frustrating and the most challenging woman I have ever met, but I will never want anyone else other than you."

When the tears start rolling down her cheeks again he catches them with his thumb. It only takes looking into to his eyes to know that he means every word he has just said to her.

"You want me to stay? I figured I had finally pushed you too far this time, that I had ruined this for good. I'm a mess and you shouldn't have to deal with that."

"Of course I want you to stay, like I said before, I'm not letting you walk away from us. I don't care how much of a mess you are, as long as you are my mess."

He brushes his lips against hers again and she almost weeps again at the feeling because she thought they were going to be over after what she did.

"I don't deserve you, but I love you too. I am so sorry for shutting you out again; I wish that I could stop doing that."

She wraps her arms around his neck as he steps closer to her and she sighs in relief at being so close to him again.

"You will get there Kate, I'm not giving up on you, you've already let me in so much more than you used to, there is no way I am walking away from you now."

He takes her hand before she can say anything else and leads her upstairs to their bedroom. When she starts to pull away, he grips her hand tighter before ushering her onto the bed. He turns off the lights before climbing in beside her and turning to face her. He reaches out and traces the line of her jaw with his hand and she closes her eyes and leans into him.

"I was so afraid I wasn't going to get to you in time tonight. That is the worst part of this, it isn't that you did this without me, it's the fact that you almost died."

She wraps her hand around the one he has on her jaw and brings it to her chest. "Do you feel that? My heart is still beating, I'm still here, you saved me."

He shifts so that he can wrap his arms around her when he lets out a startled cry of pain.

"Oh Castle, you are hurting again and it's all my fault. I don't even know how you managed to pull me up like that. I am so, so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you."

"Hey, listen to me. I would have pulled you up no matter how bad it hurt and honestly at the time I didn't feel the pain at all. I think the adrenaline hit me when I saw you hanging on the side of that cliff and I knew I had to pull you to safety no matter what it took. Saving you is worth every bit of this pain."

She helps him settle back down into a comfortable position and then she lays back down on her side, being careful not to jostle him to much. "You were doing so well with recovery though, what if this messed everything up?"

"It will be okay, I healed before and I will heal again. We will get through this. Now will you come closer please?"

"Castle, I don't want to hurt you, I think I've done enough of that to last a lifetime."

"Kate, stop it, you are already forgiven, please come over here so I can feel you against me, I still need that reassurance that I didn't lose you."

She carefully scoots closer to him and lays her head on his pillow. She laces their fingers together and lays them on his stomach and he sighs in contentment.

"Thank you, for not giving up on me. I was prepared to walk out the door tonight, you deserve so much more than me."

"Kate, you are worth so much more than you think you are and I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you. As long as you are willing to work on this with me, I will never walk away from you or give up on you."

She squeezes his hand and places a soft kiss to his chest. "I love you, Rick."

"I love you too. Let's get some rest; this was a hell of a day."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Kate, stop saying you're sorry. We're here together, that's all that matters to me."

He turns his head to the side and kisses her temple, and she drifts off to sleep with a smile on her face at the feeling of his lips on her skin.

* * *

They get about an hour of sleep before the nightmares start. She should have expected he would have them after the day they had. The first couple he has aren't too bad and she's able to quiet him down before they turn into panic attacks. They do nothing to prepare her for the next one though.

The sun has just started to rise when she feels Castle shifting beside her. He's mumbling at first and she can't understand anything he's saying when he suddenly cries out causing her to almost tumble backwards off the bed. Each time he cries out it sounds more agonizing and she's about to call his name when he starts crying out.

"Kate, no, please no!"

It's clear that he is dreaming about earlier and she wishes she could take it all back. She shifts closer to him as she sits up and takes his hands into hers.

"Castle, wake up, I'm right here."

"KATE! You can't leave me like this, please don't let go."

Her eyes start to water as she realizes the exact moment that he is dreaming about.

"Castle, shh, I didn't let go, you saved me, I'm here. Wake up please."

She leans in closer to him and carefully places her lips against his cheek, hoping that the feeling of her will calm him. When she shifts her body she winces in pain and she quickly remembers how the shooter had kicked her around like a rag doll. She ignores the pain though as she focuses on Castle.

"KATE! NO please!"

"Castle, please wake up, I'm right here."

He calms for a minute and she thinks he's starting to wake up when he suddenly jerks his hands out of hers and begins to thrash his head from side to side.

"NO, NO, NO, NO, please, please!"

She's never had this much trouble waking him before and she's starting to worry a little. She reaches for his hand again and places it to her chest so that his palm is directly over her heart.

"Castle, feel that, I'm alive, I'm right here. Everything is okay, please wake up."

He continues to cry out for a few more minutes and she can't control the tears as they fall down her cheek. She hates seeing him like this and hates even more that she can't wake him up from his nightmare. She's about to get up and call the doctor, not sure of what else to do when he starts to calm down a little and his breathing starts to regulate. She wraps her other hand around his and he squeezes in response.

"Hey, Castle it's okay, I'm here, we're both okay."

He finally opens his eyes and focuses on her face and gives her a soft smile as he breathes out her name. "Kate."

He slowly sits up and takes both of her hands in his. "That was the worst one I've had so far." He looks down at their joined hands and she feels the tear that slips from his eye hit her hand.

"Tell me, what happened?"

"I don't know if I can say it."

She lifts one of her hands out of his and softly touches his cheek. "Whatever it is, didn't happen, it was just a nightmare. Tell me please."

She keeps her hand on his cheek as he speaks. "I didn't….I didn't get to you in time. When I made it up to the edge of the cliff and reached for you, you were already falling. I watched you fall to your death, Kate."

She hears the hitch in his breath before she feels more tears coating her hand. "Oh Castle." She climbs carefully into his lap, hiding her wince of pain as she moves and then she wraps her arms around him and holds him to her. "I didn't die, you saved me. You've saved me in so many more ways than you will ever know." He grips her tightly and she tries to hide the sharp intake of breath as her body protests the tight hold, he senses it though and he pulls back from her.

As his eyes scan her face and slowly move down her body, they begin to cloud over and she knows what he is seeing before he says it. "Kate, you are covered in bruises."

"I'm fine; it only hurts a little when I move. I told you I was no match for the shooter."

He reaches out and traces lightly over one on her neck. "He hurt you. I was so upset last night I didn't even think to check on how badly you were hurt."

"It's okay, it's nothing that won't heal."

He tilts her chin up and leans in to place a sweet kiss against her lips. "Will you take your shirt off and lay down? I know we haven't gone passed kissing so far, but I promise no funny business until I get the clear from the doctor. I just want to take a look at the bruises."

She blushes a little and then carefully slips her shirt over her head. He helps her as she lies back down on the bed and then he slowly moves over top of her. He starts at her neck and begins lightly kissing her bruises. She can't stop the soft moan that escapes her when his lips make contact with a sensitive spot on her neck.

"You're so beautiful, Kate. I hate that he left these marks on you."

"I think you're doing a pretty good job of taking care of them for me." She winks at him and he leans back down to continue what he started. When he gets to her chest, her breathing speeds up a little and she brings her hand to the back of his neck. He lets out a soft chuckle against her and she shivers at the feeling. When he looks up at her again her eyes are closed and she feels more relaxed than she has in a long time.

"I take it you liked that?"

She gives him her signature eye roll but then her lips curve into a smile. "Yes Castle, you have very talented lips."

"Oh you haven't even experienced everything my talented lips can do yet."

If her arms weren't so sore she would playfully slap him for that comment, but the truth his she has no doubt about the things he can do with his talented lips and she can't wait to find out.

He moves back to her neck and finds the sensitive spot again and she lets out a soft gasp. "Castle, as much as I love that, you have to stop. Neither of us is in the best of shape and I don't want to put any added stress on your heart until the doctor gives us the clear."

He pouts for a minute and then he rolls over onto his back. "You're right, I just want you so bad."

She carefully rolls onto her side and places her arm over his stomach. "I want you too, you know that already. And if you wouldn't have had to pull me up from the side of a cliff we'd probably be a lot closer to getting the all clear."

He moves his hand down to her arm and starts softly rubbing the sore joints. "I have a cardiac rehab appointment in the morning, we'll find out if it did any major damage then. Stop blaming yourself okay, everything is going to be fine."

"I love you Castle, so much."

"I love you too, Kate. Always."

* * *

It's several hours into the morning when they finally drift back off to sleep. When the alarm sounds in the morning, neither of them are quite ready to get up. She finally reaches for her phone to turn it off and groans at the soreness in her arm.

"I don't think we got enough sleep to function today, Kate. Come back to bed."

She leans up and kisses his cheek and when her bare stomach brushes against him she realizes she forgot to put her shirt back on last night. She glances down to see the black and purple bruises that line her entire upper body and she winces at the sight.

She reaches for her shirt when she feels Castle's hand on her bare back. "These look so painful. Maybe you should get checked out while I'm at my appointment today."

"I'm okay Castle, it's just some bruising. I'm not leaving your side today."

They get ready slower than usual and finally make it down to the car just in time to leave for his appointment. She holds his hand tightly as they drive to the Cardiac Rehab center and he strokes his thumb back and forth across the top of her hand.

He usually goes in by himself while she waits downstairs but he keeps hold of her hand until they get to the floor his therapy is on. The events of the night before have them wanting to maintain contact and neither wants to let go of the other. When his therapist comes out to get him he pulls her along with him and she follows them into the room where he does his therapy.

He doesn't tell the cardiac rehab specialist what happened the night before but she knows he wants her there just as much as she wants to be there. He wants her to see that he's okay and to see how much this has affected his progress.

He seems to do fine on all of his exercises and only winces a few times. When he's done he makes his way back over to her and tangles their fingers together again.

"Mr. Castle, you did well today, but you seem to be in a little bit of pain, is everything okay?"

He glances at her before turning back to the specialist. "I may have done a little bit too much yesterday, just a little sore today."

He squeezes her hand to reassure her that he's okay and she leans in closer to him.

"I understand that you are feeling better, but you still need to be careful about doing too much. We don't want to go backwards after making so much progress so try to take it easy okay?"

"Yes I understand, I will. Do you think I did anything that will set us back on my last day here?"

She's been waiting for that question since they got here and she holds her breath while they wait for the answer.

"You still seem to be doing fine with the exercises. You will probably experience added soreness for the over-exertion but I think you will still be able to head back home in about three weeks as long as you take it easy."

"Thank you for all of your help. I'll see you in a few days."

They walk back to the car in silence and she drives them to his appointment with Dr. Wood. She puts the car in park before turning to him and grabbing his hand. "Hey Castle, while you're in with Dr. Wood I think I should call the boys and fill them in. They need to know what happened last night."

"I think that's a good idea. Don't let them give you too much crap okay?"

"I know they aren't going to be happy with me for going after him alone, but I'm still the boss." She winks at him and kisses his hand. "I promised you I wouldn't do this alone anymore and I'm keeping that promise. I'll be in the waiting room when you get out okay?"

"Okay, thank you for keeping your promise."

She watches him disappear into the building before she pulls up Espo's number on her phone and calls him. It's time to stop fighting this alone and let the people she's closest to help her out. Fighting this alone has only served one purpose and that's to reassure her that, this war, this battle needs more than just her to stop it.


End file.
