1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I don't own any of the characters, just love to write about them.  
****I used to be Zeppelingirl08 but I changed my username now that I started writing again. Been having a lot of Bensler feels lately and I had this idea for a story a long time ago and finally decided to give it a try. I hope you like it! The title comes from the song "I Shall Believe" by Sheryl Crow :)**

**Summary: Takes place after the shooting in the precinct when Elliot killed Jenna. In this story, Olivia and Elliot are married, they got together after she got back from Oregon and Elliot and Kathy divorced in season 7. There is no Eli but Olivia and Elliot have a four year old son named Conner. This is about what happens after the shooting and how Elliot copes or doesn't cope with the circumstances. I'm sure other people have written something like this but I haven't read or written much fanfiction lately so I hope you like it! There will be a lot of angst and emotion in the story just to warn you so just be aware. I hope you like it! If you do, review and I will try and update soon!**

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Olivia Benson Stabler stood in the precinct watching the scene unfold before her. It was hard to believe that just an hour ago her husband had shot and killed the daughter of a recent victim. When Jenna had entered the office she had never in a million years would have thought she would open fire on everyone in the precinct. And she definitely didn't think that her husband would be the one to shoot and kill her…

The image of Elliot's face after he shot Jenna seemed to be branded in her mind. He looked so incredibly broken…

Olivia looked down at her shirt and saw dry blood, it wasn't the first time she would be throwing bloodstained clothes out but somehow this time felt different. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair before turning to see Cragen walking towards her.

"How are you doing?" He asked gently.

Shrugging, she leaned up against her desk and tried to smile. "I'm just glad more people weren't hurt…"

Cragen looked back at his office where Elliot was currently giving his statement to the IAB. "I don't know what's going to happen yet…but no matter what I think you two should take some time off."

Olivia followed her boss's gaze and tried to read her husband's expression, but it just seemed blank. "I'm afraid Cap…"

He looked back at her and slowly reached a hand out to her, "He's strong Olivia…"

Her eyes started to fill up with tears and she shook her head, "I know that, I do. But this…this is too much. I feel like he's going to crack."

Cragen looked around at all the people who seemed to be focused on their conversation. He walked closer to Olivia and reached for her arm, he began to guide her towards one of the nearby interrogation rooms so they could talk in private.

"Olivia I know Elliot has anger issues…are you afraid he might hurt you or the kids?" He asked quickly.

She shook her head adamantly, "No. No that's not what this is about. It's about him…he's strong everyone knows that but we both know there is only so much a person can take Cap. And we also know that he has a tendency to push people away when he is upset…I'm just afraid that this is something to much to get over."

Cragen was quiet for a moment as he let her words sink in, "He loves you more than anything…"

Olivia smiled and wiped a tear away, "I know that…" She look down at her trembling hands and took a shaky breath, "I'm just afraid that's not enough to help him through this…"

Walking closer to her again, Cragen placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "You' aren't alone Olivia…you know we are all here for you. Anything you need, anytime…just call."

Olivia smiled and leaned forward to hug her boss, "Thank you Captain."

He held her close and rubbed her back, "No need to thank me Olivia…"

She pulled away slowly and smiled again before wiping more of her tears away. "I should go see how he's doing…"

Cragen nodded, "Yeah. Go ahead…"

She smiled again and then walked out of the interrogation room, she tried to ignore all the people staring at her as she walked through the halls. She swallowed hard and walked towards Cragen's office where she saw that Elliot was beginning to walk out the door.

He didn't look up until he was about a foot away from her, and when he did his face was still blank. "H-hey…" She whispered.

His eyes moved from her face to the blood on her shirt. "Are you okay?"

She followed his gaze to the blood stains and looked back up at him, "It's…it's not mine."

She watched his adams apple move up and down again as he swallowed hard trying to remain calm. "Oh…"

"What did Tucker say?" She whispered, never taking her eyes off of him.

Elliot looked back at Cragen's office where Tucker was talking to his other officials. "They said they realized I did what I had to do to protect the other people in the office but…that I need to take a leave of absence while things calm down."

She walked closer to him, she lifted her hand to reach out to him but he seemed to stiffen so she let her arm fall down to her side again. "Well…that's good right?"

He shrugged, "I guess?"

Ignoring his discomfort, she stepped closer to him again and put her hand on his arm, "You saved so many lives today Elliot…"

He lifted his head slowly to look her in the eyes, swallowing hard again he tried to smile. "I'm tired. Let's just go home…"

She opened her mouth to say something but he brushed past her and walked over to his desk. She turned and watched as he rummaged through his drawers to grab his keys and jacket, he grabbed her coat on her desk chair and walked back to her. He held it out for her to take without looking at her.

After she took her coat from him he walked past her again and she went to follow him quietly.

"Detective Stabler." A voice called from behind them, Olivia watched her husband, as his body seemed to freeze in front of her.

She watched him turn to look back towards Tucker who was just feet away from where they were, she never took her eyes off of Elliot though.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Tucker asked.

It was silent for a moment as Elliot let his words sink in, then he walked back to his desk and Olivia watched him place his badge and gun down. He looked back up at Tucker once more before turning to walk out of the precinct, never looking at Olivia as he passed her.

She looked at Tucker, and then noticed Finn watching from his own desk. She waved slowly and then quickly walked back towards her husband who was already entering the closets elevator. She stepped in just as the doors began to close behind her, she was glad that they were the only ones on the elevator because she didn't need anymore people watching them.

Elliot was standing beside her, stiff as a board as he stared straight ahead at the mirrored doors. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest and wanted nothing more than to reach for his hand but for the first time she was afraid to touch him. He seemed to far away from her…

When the doors opened again, Elliot didn't hesitate before walking out into the main lobby and out the front door. She quickly ran after him, trying to keep up with his long determined strides. He never stopped to let her catch up, something that was very unlike him. Whenever they did get to leave work together, he always made sure she was right beside him and their hands were always intertwined.

Now…she felt alone.

Elliot jumped in the driver side of the car and had turned the car on before she even opened her door. She barely had time to sit down let alone buckle her seatbelt before he peeled out of the spot and onto the road towards their house.

She swallowed hard and clicked her belt into place, "El I-"

"Kathy's supposed to drop off Lizzie and Richie tonight but I think I'll text her and cancel." He said not even looking at her.

Olivia knew that Elliot valued his time with his children more than anything, and to hear that he wanted to cancel his limited nights with them worried her even more. She knew when they did get home their four year old son Conner would be their with Bernie and she was afraid how he would react to him. "Are you sure? They didn't get to come last week because we had that case and-"

He still refused to look at her, "I just want to go to sleep. I'm exhausted."

She thought she should maybe text Bernie to warn her about what had happened but she didn't know how to write that all in a text. There was no more talking as they made the twenty-minute drive to their house. When they pulled in the driveway, he slammed the car in park and jumped out and straight up to the door. She once again tried to play catch up but he was already up the stairs towards their bedroom when she stepped inside.

"Mommy!" Conner yelled as he ran towards her, throwing himself into her arms.

Olivia scooped him up, holding him as close as possible, she was glad she had zipped up her coat so that her son wouldn't see the blood on her shirt. "Hey sweetheart."

"Where did Daddy go?" Conner asked as he looked up the stairs where Elliot had just disappeared to, "I want to say hi!"

Olivia held him tighter and walked towards the kitchen, "He's just really tired. You'll see him later buddy…"

"Are Lizzie and Richie coming tonight? Richie said he would play Mario Kart with me last week but he didn't get to come over." He said with a small pout.

"I don't think so Conner…" She said placing him up on the counter where he liked to sit.

"But why not? I haven't seen them in forever! You promised they would come this week!" He yelled.

Olivia sighed and looked down the hall where Bernie was walking towards her. "Conner I know you want to see them but they just can't come over tonight, okay? I promise that they will come over soon."

"You said that last week!" Conner yelled as he started to get really upset.

Olivia looked back at her son, "I know I did…but Daddy isn't feeling very well and so they are going to have to come another time. I'm sorry Conner I-"

"This isn't fair!" Conner yelled as he kicked his legs to try and jump down from the counter.

"I know it isn't fair Conner but they just can't come over tonight, I'm sorry." She said trying to calm him down.

"No! No, I want them to come over now!" Conner yelled going into a full out tantrum, which only added to Olivia's stress.

Bernie walked all the way into the kitchen and over to her daughter-in-law and youngest grandchild. "Conner why don't you go into the living room and finish watching Monsters Inc."

"I don't want too! I want to play with Richie!" Conner yelled.

"But that isn't going to happen tonight…so if you can go in the living room I promise we can make some chocolate chip cookies tomorrow after school." Bernie said lifting him up and placing him on the ground.

Conner angrily stomped off towards the living room as Bernie turned back to Olivia and put a hand on her arm. "Is everything okay?"

Olivia finally realized she was shaking and she fell into Bernie's arms, finally letting the tears fall. "No."

Bernie held her close and looked up at the ceiling worrying about her son; "Are you or Elliot-"

"We're okay…physically." Olivia said pulling away slightly to look at her, "There…there was a shooting at the precinct." She said sniffling as she let her tears fall freely, "This young girl came in…her mother had been killed and she just snapped. She started shooting and-and-and Elliot had too…he shot her."

Bernie gasped and squeezed Olivia's arm, "Oh God…"

"He did what he had to do but I just…he looked so…broken and I-" She hiccupped, "He won't talk to me and he doesn't want the twins over here tonight…I don't know what to do."

Bernie sighed and looked down the hall to where her grandson was, "Do you think I should take Conner back to my house for a few days? Maybe Elliot needs some time to clear his head and calm down…"

Olivia leaned against the counter and tried to breath normally, "This feels different Bernie…different than any other bad case…this is so different."

They both heard a loud crash coming from upstairs and Olivia jumped, "Olivia…what do you want me to do?"

"Maybe you're right…maybe Conner shouldn't be here." She whispered.

"If it will make him happier…I can ask Kathy if the twins can come to my house too. Maybe that will make Conner feel better…I haven't seen them in awhile anyway. It would be nice to have them at the house…" Bernie said trying to read her daughter-in-law.

Olivia looked back at her and nodded. "Okay…"

She smiled and squeezed Olivia's hand, "It's going to be okay…we will find a way through this."

Olivia nodded, "I know. Thank you Bernie." She hugged the older woman tightly and then pulled away, "Let me go talk to Conner before you guys leave…"

"I'll go pack a bag for him…" Bernie said as she started to walk towards the stairs to her grandson's bedroom.

Olivia took a deep breath and walked into the living room and looked around for her son. The TV was lighting up the room but she couldn't see her son anywhere. She looked around until she saw a pair of feet poking out from under the couch.

Smiling, she stepped closer to the couch and crouched down to see her son trying to hide away with the same frustrated look on his face that his father often wore. When she had found out she was pregnant with Conner she had been over the moon with happiness. Being a mother was the one thing she always wanted but never actually thought she would get.

This little human had captured her heart even before he came into the world screaming and wiggling around. He meant more to her than anything else in the world and she knew how difficult it was for him sometimes being the son of two NYPD Detectives. He spent a lot of time with his grandmother and his two older sisters and the occasional babysitter when they weren't available.

She wished she could spend more time with her son but her job took up a great deal of her time. Today she was feeling even more guilty because once again Conner was being disappointed by not being able to see his older brother Richie who was his best friend. She knew he wouldn't understand what was going on and it wasn't like she could really explain to him what had happened. She didn't want to give her son nightmares on top of everything else…

"Hey little man…" She whispered to him.

Conner looked up at her and then closed his eyes, "I don't want to talk to Mommy."

Olivia sighed, "I know you are angry…and I totally understand it Conner but I…" She paused, "Daddy and I had a rough day at work…and he isn't feeling so well. Do you think maybe you would want to go stay with Grandma B for a little while at her house? She said Richie and Lizzie could go too…"

Conner slowly opened his eyes and looked back up at his Mom, "Richie is going to be there too?"

"She's going to call him and ask him to come over too." She said reaching out to stroke his hair gently. "Buddy you know I want to be with you…right?"

Conner watched her for another moment before crawling out from under the couch and into his Moms lap. "Is Daddy okay?"

Olivia held him close and kissed the side of his face, rocking him back and forth. "Yes. He's just…he's a little sad right now. But I know that he will be better soon…"

Conner pulled away and wiped his Mom's tears away, "Don't cry Mommy…"

Olivia smiled at her young son and felt her heart burst with emotion knowing that things could have gone very differently today down at the precinct. What had happened was terrible but she or Elliot or even both of them could have been killed and their little boy would have had no parents. She had to be grateful for the luck that they had had even if it was hard to see through the negatives at the moment.

"I love you Conner Michael Stabler…" She said leaning forward to kiss her son on the forehead. "Don't you ever forget that."

Conner hugged his Mom again, "I love you too Mommy."

Bernie walked into the living room with a bag for Conner and smiled, "Hey little buddy, you ready to come stay at my place for a few days?"

Conner pulled away and looked at his Mom again, "Are you okay Mom?"

She smiled and kissed him again as she smoothed back his chestnut hair, "I'm okay baby. I'm okay."

He nodded and hopped off of her lap, "I'm ready Grandma…"

Olivia watched as he walked over to his grandmother and took her large hand in his small one. "I called Kathy; she is going to drop the twins off in a little while. Call me if you need anything…" Bernie whispered.

Olivia nodded, "I will. Thank you."

Bernie smiled and walked with Conner out the front door to her car. Olivia didn't move until she heard the car pull out of the driveway, she wiped her remaining tears away and then stood up to go check on her husband. As she walked up the steps she heard her phone ping in her pocket, she took it out and saw that she had three missed calls from Finn, Cragen and Kathy. She sighed, and then placed her phone on the table in the hallway outside of her room, she had to deal with one thing at a time.

She stood outside her bedroom door for a moment as she mustered up the courage to walk in. When she did, the room was dark and the first thing she noticed was the lamp that usually sat Elliot's dresser was currently smashed into a million little pieces on the floor on the opposite side of the room. Now she knew where the loud crash had come from…

She sighed and walked over to the bed where she saw her husband lying on his side barely moving, for a moment she was afraid he wasn't even breathing…

Once her eyes adjusted to the dark room she was able to see his arm lifting up and down as he breathed. She let out a relieved breath and walked closer to him and sat down on her side of the bed.

"El…" She paused and waited to see if he would respond, "El…are you awake?"

He was quiet again for a moment before answering. "Yes."

His voice sounded flat, and she missed the way he usually answered her with enthusiasm and love. "Your…your Mom took Conner to her house. The twins were going to go over too…"

He shifted slightly in bed but didn't turn to face her. "Okay."

She licked her lips and slipped her shoes off; she pulled her legs up onto the bed and turned more towards him. "I thought…I thought maybe it would be good for you to just have some peace and quiet for a little bit. To try and clear your head…"

Elliot didn't respond and she concentrated only on the sound of his breath to keep her calm. She looked back at the floor where the lamp was still lying in pieces, but she knew better than to bring it up right now.

"El I know…I know you said you are tired but I think we should talk about this." She said in barely a whisper.

He waited for a moment before responding, "What's there to talk about Olivia?"

She waited to see if he had anything else to say but she knew he didn't. This was how he dealt with things…this was exactly what she was afraid of. He was an expert of pushing people away but this time she had a feeling it was going to be worse than ever.

"Elliot no one is mad at you for what happened…you saved so many lives. You know that…" She tried to plead with him.

"Sister Peg is dead…" Elliot whispered never turning towards her.

She sighed and finally reached a hand out to touch his shoulder, "Elliot please-"

He tensed under her touch, "Jenna is dead…and I'm the one that killed her."

She felt the hard muscles under her hand that always used to make her feel safe, but at this moment she only felt fear that he was slowly slipping away from her. "It was the only way to stop her…"

"Then why didn't you take the shot?" He asked quickly.

Olivia's heart stopped when she heard his question, and she let her hand slip off of his strong arm and back into her lap so he wouldn't notice she was trembling. "Elliot…"

"Why am I the only one that took the shot?" He asked again, still in a flat tone.

"Elliot we were all stunned…no one ever could have expected that to happen." She said closing her eyes tightly, trying to hold her tears in and keep still to be strong for him. "I…you…" She paused, "Please don't do this to yourself…please…"

She continued to watch him through tear strained eyes and waited patiently. He finally turned back towards her, she was hoping to see something that would calm her but his expression was still impossible to read.

She watched him take a deep breath before responding, "I'm really tired Liv. Can you please just let me get some sleep?"

She opened her mouth to beg him to talk to her but he didn't wait for her answer, he just rolled back over and pretended to go to sleep. Olivia watched his back for a few more minutes before she stood up slowly and walked back out of their bedroom and shut the door quietly behind her. She felt like she had been slapped in the face but she knew right now there was nothing she could say that would make Elliot open up to her.

The soft ping of her phone seemed to wake her from her daze. Sighing, she pushed herself away from the door and over to the table to pick her phone up. She had more missed calls and a text from Kathy.

She flipped open her phone and read it quickly, _Call me. I'm worried._

Olivia looked back at her bedroom door and then walked down the hall and into Conner's bedroom. She went and sat down on the rocking chair that Bernie had bought for them and began to dial Kath's number.

"Olivia?" Kathy answered urgently after the first ring."Hi Kathy…" Olivia said leaning her head back and closing her eyes, suddenly feeling as tired as her husband. "Sorry I missed your calls…"

_"What's going on? Bernie called and asked if the twins could come stay with her and Conner for a few days. She said there was a shooting down at the precinct and that…"_ She paused and then continued._ "That Elliot shot a young girl…"_

Swallowing the lump in her throat, she tried to remain calm as she talked. "Yeah…it's complicated. She…she was the daughter of a victim of ours. I thought she was okay…we all did." Olivia wiped the tears away from her eyes and continued, "She just…she started shooting at anyone and everyone…"

_"Oh my God…"_ Kathy said gasping on the other end.

"Elliot reacted so quickly…if he hadn't…I don't even want to think about what would have happened. About how many people would have been hurt…how many people would have been killed." She said.

_"But of course he doesn't see it that way…_" Kathy said thinking about how hard her ex-husband was going to take this, despite everything they had been through she never would have wished this type of pain on him.

"Kathy I'm…" She whimpered and tried to compose herself, "I'm scared…I've never seen him like this. We've had bad cases before and he's pushed people away but he's…" She began shaking again, "He's just broken…"

Kathy was quiet on the other end, trying to absorb all of this information._ "Where is he right now?"_

"He's in our room…he says he's tired and just wants to sleep." She pulled her legs up onto the rocking chair and rested her elbows on her knees. "I know he'll never go to sleep…but he just shut me down."

Olivia could hear Kathy sigh on the other end, _"That's what he does best…"_ She paused again,_ "Did he break anything yet?"_

"The lamp from his dresser…" Olivia said sniffling, "He threw it across the room against the wall…"

Kathy laughed sadly, "_Well at least he got that out of his system…"_

"Whose to say that will be the only thing he feels like breaking? It's like I said…this time is different Kathy. I can feel it…" She whispered.

_"I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better right now Olivia. But we both know that even when I was married to Elliot…the only person that could ever get through to him was you."_ Kathy said honestly.

Olivia let her words sink in for a moment; it felt strange talking to Kathy like this. They had always been friendly to each other, even after Kathy and Elliot divorced and be began dating Olivia. They had only had one real talk about her relationship with her ex-husband. She was afraid that Kathy hated her and she wanted to make sure that for the kid's sake, there would be no drama.

And much to Olivia's surprise Kathy had been nothing but supportive of Elliot and Olivia's relationship. She had explained to her that yes, she did love Elliot but she wasn't in love with anymore. As hard as it was for them to go through the divorce she knew it was what was best for everyone involved. And more than that…she wanted Elliot to be happy and she knew the one person that really made him happy was Olivia.

Since they had gotten married, Kathy and Olivia had always been able to have friendly conversations. Olivia made sure that Kathy understood she respected her as Elliot's kids mother and that she didn't want to replace her, but she also wanted her to know she loved their four kids. And when she had become pregnant with Conner, Kathy was the first person to offer advice on how to deal with pregnancy issues and what to expect from a Stabler child.

Despite all that, it still often felt very strange to talk to Kathy about Elliot in such an intimate way. Especially when she would make reference to the fact that even while Kathy had been married to Elliot…his connection with Olivia was much stronger than it should have been for a married man.

"Kathy…" Olivia whispered, "I don't think I can even help him this time…"

She was quiet on the other end of the phone again, _"We can only wait…"_

Olivia looked over at her sons bed and wished he was asleep their, she loved to watch him sleep because he always looked so peaceful. Often after a bad case, watching her son was the only thing that ever calmed her.

She let out a shaky breath and sat up straighter in the rocking chair, "Thank you for letting the twins go to Bernie's. Conner…he was so upset because he hadn't seen them lately and he was melting down…I just needed-"

_"Olivia it's okay…don't worry about that. You know they love seeing Conner…"_ She said quietly.

Olivia looked back at Conner's bed again and wondered about how this was going to affect all of their children. "Did you tell them what happened?"

_"No. Not really…I just said there was an incident at work and that you and Elliot were okay but they couldn't go to your house tonight. And I told them that their brother needed them…"_ Kathy said honestly.

"I just…I don't know what he will want to say to them…what he will want them to know." She said as she leaned forward and rested her arms on her knees, she was emotionally exhausted.

_"Look Olivia…I know I'm Elliot's ex-wife and I don't want to make you uncomfortable but…"_ She paused and Olivia heard him sigh, _"I'm here…"_

Olivia bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut tight feeling them burn with tears, "Kathy…"

_"I still love him too…anything I can do…anything you need I'll be there for you…"_ Kathy stopped and laughed sadly, _"I'm just…I'm here okay?"_

Olivia sat up again quickly, "Thank you Kathy…I-" She smiled softly, "Thank you."

_"Look I need to drop Dickie and Lizzie off at Bernie's…but if anything happens with Elliot just call me."_ She said.

"Okay. I will…" She whispered. "Thanks again."

_"He loves you…just remember that. No matter what he might say or do…he really loves you._" Kathy tried to assure her. _"I'll talk to you later…"_

"Yeah. Bye Kathy…" She said as she hung up the phone.

Olivia looked around the room once more before lifting herself up off the rocking chair. She walked out of Conner's bedroom and looked down the hall to her bedroom and thought about going in to try and talk to Elliot again. But…she knew better.

Instead she walked downstairs and into the laundry room, she slipped on a pair of Elliot's clean sweats. She went into the bathroom, washed her face and brushed her teeth and then walked into the living room. She found her favorite blanket and curled up on the sofa to try and sleep…

Her eyes began to flutter shut when she heard another loud crash coming from upstairs causing her to jump. After the ringing in her ears subsided from the crash, there was nothing more than silence…

She felt the tears burning again and this time she let them fall. She heard her phone go off again, reaching for it she pressed the off button and then reached down to slip it under the couch. She couldn't face the outside world right now, it all felt too overwhelming. She rolled over on the couch and pulled the blankets up over her and prayed she would be able to get some rest tonight…

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**So...what did you think? Let me know and drop a review and I will try and update as soon as possible! Thanks :) **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hey guys, it seems like some of you are interested to see where this story will go. So for the time being I will continue to write if you are still curious! **

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The bright light of the sun shining in the window woke Olivia up the next morning. She groaned as she rolled over on the couch and felt her neck begin to crack from the uncomfortable position she had slept in all night. Looking over at the clock on the cable box she saw that it was only 7:15. Normally her son would be running into her bedroom to wake her up around now but the house was quiet…

To quiet…

Olivia glanced up at the ceiling slowly and wondered what her husband was doing upstairs, or even if he was up there at all. For a moment her heart jumped in her chest and she worried that after she had fallen asleep her husband had slipped out of the house to get away from her. She sat up quickly to look out the window facing the driveway and let out a shaky breath when she saw that both cars were still parked. She didn't think he could have gotten very far on foot…

She sat up slowly trying to ignore the aches and pains in her tired body and stretched her arms over her head. Standing up, she tip toed upstairs and opened her bedroom door slowly to check on Elliot. She felt both relieved and terrified to see him, he was in the same exact position she had left him in and she wondered if he had moved at all.

But then she remembered the second loud crash she had heard last night before she fell asleep. Immediately her eyes scanned the still dark room to see any more damage, her eyes fell on the lamp again and then she noticed that her full-length mirror seemed to be in a different spot than it usually was. She had a funny feeling that if she tried to move it she would find a large hole in the wall where Elliot's hand or foot would have gone through.

She sighed and walked back out of the room, closing the door gently behind her. Then she padded back downstairs and into the laundry room where she had left her bloodstained clothes last night. Bending down, she picked up her shirt and stared at the blood from Sister Peg on her shirt, her eyes immediately filled with tears as it finally settled in that on top of everything else that had happened yesterday she had also lost a dear friend.

With trembling hands, she stood up and walked into the kitchen to grab a trash bag. She walked back into the laundry room and threw the clothes in there; then walked quietly back upstairs and into her bedroom where she quickly grabbed Elliot's dirty clothes too. She snuck a peek at her husband and noticed that his eyes were closed, she watched the rise and fall of his chest and for just a moment she almost forgot what had happened yesterday. He looked so peaceful…

Standing up, she walked back out of the bedroom again and downstairs where she threw his clothes into the bag. Walking quickly, she opened the front door and stepped into the bright morning light. When she reached the trashcan, she lifted the top and threw the bag in and slapped the top back down. Maybe if she closed it hard enough she would be able to trap all of the horrible memories inside there with her clothes and they would disappear on Monday with the garbage truck…

Taking a deep breath she walked back into the house and into the downstairs bathroom. She usually took showers in her and Elliot's bathroom connecting to their room. However, she didn't want to disturb her husband anymore than she already had. She turned the hot water on and let the room begin to fill with steam as she pulled Elliot's sweatshirt up and over her head, she lifted it to her nose and inhaled the scent that was her husband. She wanted desperately to run upstairs and wrap herself around him to comfort both him and herself but she knew he wouldn't let her.

As the tears began to fall again, she stripped off Elliot's sweatpants and climbed into the tub to let the scalding water fall over her. She stood still with her face looking up into the water and tried to let the pain and confusion of the day wash away down the drain. Not knowing what was going to happen next was the hardest part right now, she was so afraid of what her husband was going to do and how he was going to react to her.

Once her skin became to wrinkled, she reluctantly turned the water off and climbed back out of the shower. She went back into the laundry room and found some of her own clean sweats to slip on. Throwing her hair up into a messy bun, she walked back out into the living room and sat on the couch, reaching down for her cell phone under the couch. She pressed the power button and was immediately hit with dozens of text messages and missed calls from concerned friends and family.

Knowing she wasn't going to be able to hide from them forever, she decided to call Fin back first. She noticed that her battery was going to die so she quickly stood up to get her charger in her pocketbook. She took her bag and walked into the kitchen to plug it into the wall, and plugged it into her phone as she pressed Fin's name on her contact list.

It had barely rung once before he answered. "Olivia? I've been trying to call you all night. Are you okay?"

She smiled at the concern in his voice, "Sorry Fin. I turned off my phone, I just couldn't face anyone."

"Are you okay?" He asked again with a little more urgency in his voice.

She sighed and leaned against the counter, "I'm…" She paused, "I'm okay…"

Fin was quiet for a moment before whispering, "How's Elliot?"

Her eyes quickly looked back up at the ceiling again, "Honestly? He hasn't talked much to me at all…he went straight to our room last night. He's been sleeping…"

"What did you tell Conner?" He asked thinking of his Godson.

"Well Bernie was here when we got home…Conner was pretty upset because Elliot didn't want Richie and Lizzie to come over. I talked to Bernie and told her what had happened and we agreed that it would be best for her to take Conner to her house for a few days until things calm down…" She said as she looked over to see if they had any coffee, she needed something to wake her up.

"That's probably a good idea." Fin answered, "You don't know how Elliot is going to react to all of this so it will probably be better to have Conner out of the house."

"What happened after we left last night?" Olivia asked curiously.

"Tucker briefed us on what would have to happen now and he said counseling would be available for everyone if we needed to talk." Finn said, "There was a lot of paperwork to fill out…Captain said you can fill yours out whenever. I can bring it over to the house if you don't want to come down here…"

As tempting as it was to ask him to come over so she wasn't alone, she knew now wasn't the time for visitors. "No. It's okay…I'll try and come in tomorrow to do it. I think Elliot needs some space right now and I don't want to overload him with anything, especially anything about the case."

"Olivia…you shouldn't be alone in this." Fin whispered, feeling worried for his friend.

"I'm not alone Fin. I'm not…and Elliot really needs me right now. I just…I can't leave him and I know he's not ready to face anyone at the moment." She replied desperately hoping he would understand.

"I know you want to protect him Olivia and I respect you for that…" He paused for a moment, afraid to upset her more than she already was, "But…whose going to protect you?"

Olivia let his words sink in and didn't know how to respond. Elliot had always been the one to protect her, no matter what was going on but she knew at the moment he couldn't even take care of himself let alone his own wife. Sighing she tried to reach for the coffee pot to make coffee but she got tangled in her cell phone wire and knocked over her pocketbook causing it to land in a heap on the floor. The sickening smack of her gun hitting the hard tiled floor caused her to jump a foot and let out a terrified gasp.

"Olivia?" Fin called out to her after hearing the commotion.

She stopped dead in her tracks and stared at her gun and for the first time she felt afraid of its power. Ever since she had decided to become a cop she had been confident in her ability to control the weapon but now it seemed like a foreign object to her. In her mind she could hear the loud "pop-pop-pop" that Elliot's gun had made as he shot quickly at Jenna and her heart constricted in her chest.

"Olivia?" Fin called again when he didn't hear her answer him, "Are you mad that I said that?"

She didn't seem to be able to take her eyes off of the black gun on the floor, "No. No I'm not mad Fin. I'm just really tired…sorry." She heard movement from upstairs and knew she needed to get off the phone quickly. "Look Fin I know you're worried and I promise I will call you if I need anything. But…right now I really need to focus on my family. Can you tell Cap and Munch I'm okay? I will keep you guys updated as much as I can…okay?" She replied hurriedly.

"Olivia are you sure-" Fin started to protest.

Olivia heard more movement from upstairs and the sight of her gun still lying on the floor was making her panic. "Fin I'm sorry but I really need to go. I'll cal you soon okay? Thanks for checking in."

She quickly hung up the phone and placed it on the counter without letting him respond to her again. She knelt down and scooped up her gun, made sure the safety was on and stuffed it back in her bag. Then she walked into the living room and searched for a place to hide it, when her eyes settled on her desk she threw it under the chair feeing better knowing it was somewhere Elliot probably wouldn't look. Not that she thought he would use it against her, but she didn't want anything around that would bring back to many bad memories of yesterday.

Walking back to the kitchen, she noticed that Fin had called her back but she flipped the phone over so she didn't have to look at it. She decided to make two cups of coffee and when it was done, she walked to the stairs. Stopping before the first step, she took a deep breath to help calm her nerves and then slowly walked up to face her husband.

The door was opened just a crack so she eased it open with her hip and walked into the room. Elliot was lying on his back now, but it looked like he had gotten up to get a sweatshirt, which must have been the noise she had heard. It was still dark in the room but the little light streaming in under the shade showed her that his eyes were in fact open.

"Good morning…" She whispered as she stood at the base of the bed.

He didn't move to look at her but he did respond, "What time is it?"

"Around 8…" Her legs were trembling; she had never felt this kind of nerves around her husband. "I made you some coffee…"

Slowly, he turned his head to look at her and once again she noticed the blank look in his face. He pulled himself up on the bed and leaned against the headboard, she took this as a sign that he wanted the coffee. She walked over to his side of the bed and sat down beside him and handed him a mug.

"Thanks…" He whispered as he lifted it to his lips and took a sip of the burning liquid.

She tried to smile at him but he put the mug in his lap and averted his eyes to the steam coming up out of it. "El…I need you to talk to me."

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the headboard, "I just…I don't know what to say."

She sighed and placed her own mug on his bedside table, and then she reached her hands out to his arm. "Just…say anything. Anything at all…the silence is scaring me more than anything."

She saw his chin begin to tremble and it broke her heart all over again, "I killed a child…" He whispered without looking at her. "I ended her life…me…I did it."

The trembling led to tears flowing down his cheeks and she felt like her heart was going to burst; she quickly grabbed for his own cup and placed it beside hers. Then she crawled over him to sit beside him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

"Honey…shhh…" She pulled his head against her chest as he shook uncontrollably in her arms. "It's okay…you're okay. I'm right here…"

He held onto her for dear life as he shook and cried against her, "I'm supposed to protect kids…not kill them. How can you even stand to be around me?"

Olivia hated it when he cried; he didn't do it often but when he did it felt like someone was stabbing her in the heart. "You're my husband Elliot…For better or worse I vowed to stand beside you."

Elliot quickly pulled away from her and finally looked deep into her eyes, "But this…this is to much Olivia."

She leaned forward and cupped his face in her hands, "Elliot…please…please don't shut yourself away like this. I'm right here…I'm not going anywhere."

He shook his head and threw his legs over the bed, pulling away from her quickly needing to move around. He started to pace on the bedroom floor and she nervously watched his every move.

"She was standing there…she was talking and then I saw the gun and I just…I didn't understand what was happening." He stuttered frantically.

Olivia shook her head and slid to the end of the bed, needing to be as close to him as he would allow. "No one ever thought that would happen…no one could have predicted it. You know that…"

"But of all those people in that precinct, why am I the one that had to take the shot?" He asked as he continued to pace.

She crossed her legs and licked her lips, "I-I don't know how to answer that Elliot. You had the fastest reflexes…"

He grunted and nodded his head towards her, "Great. Lucky me."

She shook her head quickly, "That came out wrong…I just meant…" She sighed and felt her hands begin to shake again not wanting to anger him, he was finally opening up to her and the last thing she wanted was for him to shut her off again. "I know how upset you feel right now but aren't we taught to think quick? That's what they train us to do to protect people and that's exactly what you did…"

He stopped moving abruptly and faced her, "But we were supposed to protect Jenna…"

She saw the slump in his shoulders and it killed her to see how defeated he looked, "If you hadn't of taken that shot...who knows how many victims there would have been."

Elliot seemed to be studying her face as she spoke; he took a deep breath and then sat down beside her again. "But why did it have to be me?" He whispered in barely a whisper.

Looking down at his hands on his knees, she noticed they were raw and bruised; the worry about the hole in the wall grew more. "I don't know…"

Tears began to fall down his face again and he quickly lay back on the bed, letting his legs hang over the edge. "As soon as Sister Peg went down I just…I saw red Liv. I was so afraid you were going to get hurt that I just reacted."

She let his words sink in before she turned to him and placed a soothing hand on his chest, underneath the fabric of his sweatshirt and his strong muscles she could feel his heart pounding rapidly. "Do you blame me?"

He turned his head to the side and looked directly at her, "Of course not. I just…I was so scared Liv…I still am."

Leaning down on her elbow she moved her hand from his chest to caress his face, "We're both here El…we're both alive. I need you to let me in…don't push me away. I'm begging you…"

He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, "I just…I feel so empty Liv. I don't know what to say to you…I just can't-I've never felt this before."

She leaned down and kissed the side of his head a few times before whispering in his ear, "Just tell me what you want me to do El…I'd do anything to fix this for you…anything to make you feel better. I hate seeing you like this…its breaking my heart." Her voice cracked as she spoke and held him close.

He gripped her arm and pulled her closer to him, "Just please stay with me…stay with me right now. I need you…"

She let him wrap himself around her and she held his head against her tightly, "I'm here…I'm right here baby. Shh…" She rocked him gently as he cried against her. "I'm right here…"

Elliot held onto her for dear life as he let the emotion drain from him. He had barely slept a wink last night because every time he shut his eyes he saw himself shooting Jenna and watching her fall and he couldn't take it. He was exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. No matter how scared and angry he felt about the situation he knew that at this moment...he needed the one person that in the world that loved him most.

She kissed his head gently as she rubbed his back to try and soothe him. No matter how long he needed this from her, she would be right here beside him. After a few minutes she felt his trembling begin to slow down and felt his grip on her lessen. She knew he wasn't asleep because his breathing was still labored.

"Come here…" She whispered into his ear and pulled him up towards the top of the bed, "You need to rest…"

Elliot never let go of her as they crawled under the covers, and she pulled him back against her chest. He lay beside her and pulled her as close as possible as he rested his head in the crook of her neck.

His warm wet tears on her neck caused an ache deep in her and she truly wished she could take this extreme pain away from him. "Try and sleep El…please…I'm not going anywhere."

Slowly but surely, she felt him relax against her as she continued to hold him close. She heard him hiccup and sigh in her neck and she kissed his forehead to try and soothe him. Eventually she heard his breathing begin to even out and his strong grip on her loosened allowing her to relax too.

Once she knew he was asleep she was able to close her own eyes, despite sleeping a little the night before it hadn't been she was still exhausted. Sleeping alone on the couch being afraid of what her husband was going through wasn't comforting, but being here beside him allowed her to finally relax just a little bit. At least for the time being…

* * *

A few hours later, Olivia's eyes blinked open again. She didn't know what time it was but she didn't really care, there was nowhere she needed to be and the only thing she cared about was the safety of her husband. She looked beside her and saw that he was still asleep, but had moved just slightly so he wasn't wrapped around her anymore. Instead, he was facing her and she tried to focus on the way that his breath blew in and out of his slightly parted lips and not the fact that all around his eyes was still red and swollen from his crying.

Slowly, she lifted one of her hands and reached out to touch his face as gently as she could. Her index finger traced the swell under his eye, which caused him to stir slowly. His eyes blinked a few times before they opened fully to face her, he didn't say anything just looked deep into her eyes.

"Hey…" She croaked out in a hoarse voice.

He licked his dry lips and moved closer to her, "Hi…"

Leaning forward, she placed a gentle kiss on his forehead and reveled in the warmth he provided. "Do you feel any better after getting some rest?"

He sighed against her neck and let his fingers reach out to grip her hip, "Honestly?" He paused before shaking his head. "Not really…"

Frowning slightly against his temple she pulled back to look at him again, "I'm sorry…"

He tried to force a smile and nudged her gently with his nose. "Don't be…I know you're trying to help." He shrugged sadly, "And you are…I just need more time."

Taking a deep breath she began to run her fingers through his short dark hair, "I know…"

They lay in silence for a few minutes, focusing on nothing but the others soft breathing. But reality sunk in again when Olivia heard the house phone ringing; she figured people were tired of calling her cell and not getting an answer. She sighed and reluctantly pulled away from him causing him to stiffen as she sat up in bed.

"I should really call your Mom to check on Conner…" She whispered as she pulled her hair out of its messy, tangle of a bun.

Elliot nodded and rolled onto his back, he put a hand over his eyes as if the light coming in through the window was hurting him. "Yeah…"

She watched him and realized that he truly was still struggling, and she had a feeling it was going to be a long time before they were back to the way things were before the shooting. She leaned back towards him again and placed a comforting hand on his cheek, forcing his face to look over at hers.

Leaning down she placed a gently kiss on his chapped lips, "Will you be okay if I leave for a few minutes?"

He seemed to be contemplating his answer at first as he studied her face, but he nodded his head once before answering. "I'll be fine. I think I'm going to take a shower…I feel like shit."

She nodded her own response and leaned forward again to leave another kiss on his lips and one more on his forehead before rolling over and getting up off the bed. She had just made it to the door when she thought she heard him call her name, so she turned to look at him again, "Hm?"

He was sitting up now, staring directly at her with love written all over his face, something she hadn't seen in the last 12 hours. "Thank you…" He whispered.

Her hands curled around the doorframe to keep her standing when she felt like her knees were going weak. "Nothing to thank me for El…you're my husband. I love you."

She smiled genuinely and then walked back out into the hallway, and back down the stairs. She didn't bother to look to pick up her cell phone; she didn't want to be overwhelmed by the piles of messages she was sure to find. Instead, she picked up the house phone and dialed her mother in laws familiar number.

"Olivia?" The older woman's voice called out, "I wanted to call earlier but I was afraid to disturb you…but I've been worried."

Olivia's eyes glanced over at the clock on the stove, it was 12:30 meaning her and Elliot had slept for about four hours. The funny thing was…she felt like she could sleep for another ten and it still wouldn't be enough…

"Hey Bernie, I'm sorry…I should have called sooner." She walked over to the kitchen table and sat down, curling one leg underneath her.

Olivia could faintly hear the sound of her son's laughter and it warmed her heart, "How's he doing?" Bernie asked nervously.

She didn't need to say his name for Olivia to know what she meant, "He's…" She paused and leaned against the table, "He's doing his best…I finally got him to talk this morning a little. He's devastated…but I was just glad he let me in even just a little bit."

Bernie sighed, "He does like to hold all of his emotions in…same as his father did."

"I know…but so do I. It's one of the reasons it took us so damn long to get together in the first place." She said with a sad smile.

"Do you know if he slept at all?" Bernie asked.

"I'm not so sure he slept much last night…but we did just sleep for a few hours. I finally got him to calm down enough to get some actual rest. He still looks exhausted though…" She whispered and looked up at the ceiling as she heard the shower turn on from above her.

"I'm sure he does…I can't imagine how he must be feeling right now." The concern in Bernie's voice made Olivia feel better because she knew no matter what happened she had plenty of people that wanted to help Elliot through this.

"How's Conner doing? I hope he hasn't caused you any trouble…" Olivia whispered.

"Conner? Trouble?" She laughed sarcastically, "Never!"

Olivia smiled when she thought about her son and his devilish side, one that she was sure her husband had as a child. "Oh great…"

"I'm just kidding Olivia. He's been great, I decided to keep him home from school today. I hope that isn't a problem…it is Friday so I thought it would be okay. Kathy agreed to let the twins skip too." Bernie said.

"I don't mind. I'm sure he's really confused about why he had to leave last night anyway. It probably good for him to be with you and the twins." She paused, "Have they asked about what happened at all?"

"They just made me assure them that you were both okay, at least physically. Kathy told me she just told them there was an incident at work. I figured I would wait and let you and Elliot decide how much you want them to know…" Bernie said.

Olivia nodded, "I'm not sure yet. I suppose it's really up to Elliot, but I don't want to push him too much right now. I just got him to open up and I'm afraid that he'll shut down if I try to get him to make any real decisions, you know what I mean?"

"Of course. You know we will do whatever you both think is best." Bernie responded.

"Would you mind keeping Conner again tonight?" Olivia asked, "I wish he was here but I don't think Elliot is ready to see anyone else right now…"

"No, I don't mind. We're having fun and he seems to be more relaxed with Lizzie and Richie here. Kathy said they could stay for the weekend if it would help Conner." Bernie said.

"Remind me to call her and thank her for that…" Olivia said running a tired hand over her face, just the idea of talking to all the people she needed to was exhausting.

"We all just want to make sure you are both okay…" Bernie said honestly, "The things the two of you see everyday are hard enough. But to go through something like this is totally different. I know my son…I remember the first time he actually shot someone…back then we weren't very close but he came to me and just cried for hours. I can't imagine what he must be feeling right now knowing she was just a kid…"

Olivia swallowed hard, "It's funny…I never really thought to much about the danger of the job…I just wanted to protect the victims. When we did get into difficult situations, I just moved on instinct and thought afterwards. But this…this was something none of us ever expected. You shoot the bad guys…not the ones who are scared…" She sighed, "I looked at my gun today and for the first time I was actually afraid of it…of how powerful it actually was."

"Olivia…no one expects you guys to keep it all together all the time. I am so proud of the both of you for how hard you work and how passionate you are. But it's okay to admit when you need help…to admit that you aren't okay. I of all people have learned that over the years…with your help if I remember correctly." She said honestly.

Lifting a hand up to her face, she wiped a tear away, "I'm really afraid this time Bernie…I don't know how to help him."

"I'm not sure there is going to be an easy answer this time around Olivia…but whatever you need remember you aren't alone." Bernie said.

Olivia smiled and looked towards the stairs as she heard the shower turn off, "I know. I should…go check on him. But I'll call in a little while to talk to Conner if that's okay. Thank you so much for doing all this…"

"He's my son Olivia…and you're my daughter as far as I'm concerned. Anything you need…anytime…just ask." The woman replied.

"Thank you. I'll talk to you in a little while…" She smiled and hung up the phone before placing it down on the table.

She heard her cell phone ping again and she sighed, picking it up she put it on silent and slid it into her pocket. She'd make more phone calls later, one was enough for now. She walked slowly to the stairs and back up to her bedroom; the bathroom door was open just slightly and she could see Elliot drying off after his shower.

Turning to look around the room, her eyes immediately fell on the shattered lamp still on the floor. Sighing, she walked over to the small trashcan on the floor beside her dresser and turned towards the lamp. She knelt down in front of it and began to slowly pick up the pieces making sure to not cut herself.

The bathroom door creaked open, but she didn't need to turn to see him standing there. She heard him walk towards the bed and sit back down, but she wasn't ready to meet his eyes yet.

She continued to clean up the pieces until she heard him clear his throat; turning towards him she saw shame written on his face. "I'm sorry about that…" He said nodding his head towards the broken pieces.

Olivia shook her head and threw away the last few pieces before standing up to face him. "It's just a lamp Elliot…easily replaced."

He nodded sadly and then looked down at his bruised hands, "Easier than the hole I put in the wall…"

Placing the rash can down on the floor again, she turned towards her mirror and pushed it to the right to reveal the rather large hole made by his fist, "As long as your hands okay…I'm okay…"

When he didn't respond she turned and walked to the bed, she sat beside him and pulled his right bruised hand into her own lap. She traced her fingers over the lines of the dried blood along his middle knuckle. Then she lifted his strong hand to her lips and kissed each finger on by one.

"Think it's broken?" She asked kissing them again as she looked over at him.

"My hand or my heart?" He whispered looking at her from the corner of his eyes.

Her eyes closed tightly and held his hand against her cheek before placing it in her lap again, "El…"

He sighed, "Sorry…I know what you meant. No, my hand isn't broken. Sorry I broke the wall…I'll fix it."

She shook her head and scooted closer to him, "I really don't care about the wall Elliot. You know I don't…" She shrugged and looked over at the hole again, "The mirror looks better where you put it anyway." She teased.

He chuckled deep in his throat and the sound, as simple as it was brought hope to her. "Whatever you want Liv…"

Interlocking her fingers with his, she lifted it and held it against her heart. "All I want is for you to be okay El…that's all I want."

He frowned slightly, "I usually try and give you everything you want…but that's one thing I don't think I can give you. At least not right now…"

She whimpered and lifted his hand to kiss it again, "El I-" Her response was interrupted by the vibrating of her phone again causing her to growl in frustration, "If you decide you need to break something else, please feel free to use my phone as your target!"

Elliot laughed again as she dropped his hand and reached for her phone in her sweatshirt pocket, "I don't even want to look at mine…in fact I don't even know where it is to be honest."

She smiled and then looked at the front of her phone, there was a new text message from Cragen that read _'I know you don't want to talk…but this is important. Please call me as soon as possible.'_

Something in her stirred and she knew this was one conversation she couldn't ignore. Looking back over at her husband, she noted the small but sad smile on his face and the way his eyes still looked blank and scared. She wanted to throw her phone across the room where the lamp had shattered and pull him back under the covers where she could keep him safe forever. However…she knew that she had to face reality at some point.

"I should take this…" She whispered, holding up her phone for emphasis, "If I don't call Fin back at some point I'm sure he'll show up and play the concerned partner card on me."

Elliot nodded, she felt guilty for lying and honestly she wasn't even 100% sure why she had lied about who it was. But something in the words her boss had written to her made her think whatever he had to say wouldn't help Elliot feel any better at the moment. He slowly got up off the bed and ignored the crack of his knees as he walked to his dresser to find a clean shirt.

She watched him for a few moments before pulling herself up and walking towards the door before turning back to him, "You should eat something. Want me to make you a sandwich? I can bring it up after I'm off the phone."

He turned back to her and nodded, "Yeah I'll eat…but I think I need to get out of this room. I'll be down in a bit."

She smiled encouragingly; glad to here he was planning on not crawling back into bed alone again. "Okay."

Quietly, she exited the room and padded back downstairs and into the kitchen. Opening the fridge, she took out everything she would need to make his favorite sandwich, and placed it on the counter before pulling her phone out from her pocket again.

She dialed Cragen's number and waited, "Olivia?"

"Hey. It's me Cap. Sorry I've been ignoring you…just a lot going on here at the moment." She pulled a slice of cheese out of its bag and broke a small piece off to pop into her mouth, she suddenly felt very hungry. "What's going on? Is Tucker giving you any trouble? Does he want to talk to Elliot again?"

"Honestly…I wish I could say that Tucker was the problem but he's the least of my worries at the moment." Cragen said with a frustrated sigh.

Something in his tone of voice made Olivia stand up straighter, her spine began to tingle with nerves. "What's going on Cap?"

She heard him sigh again and her heart started to beat faster, "The press got wind of what happened here last night and they've been standing outside the station for hours. We had a meeting here and we all agreed none of us would say anything for the time being but they somehow found out it was Elliot who shot Jenna…"

Olivia felt like the room was spinning as she listened to his words; this was the last thing that they needed right now. "How? Who the hell told them?"

"I don't know. And Fin, Munch and I are doing our best to figure that out. But I have a feeling its only a matter of time before they make their way to your street…this will be a big news story. You know that…" He said honestly.

"Shit…" She whispered, dropping the slice of cheese in her hand, she suddenly didn't feel very hungry anymore in fact she felt nauseas. "The last thing Elliot needs is a million camera crews outside our house. We haven't even talked to the kids about what happened yet…I don't want them to find out this way!"

"I know. But unfortunately I heard they are running the story within the hour. If any of them are anywhere near a TV they will know what happened sooner rather than later…" Cragen said in a sad voice.

"What am I going to do?" Olivia asked frantically, "I-I-I just got Elliot to start talking to me again. If they show up here and start hounding us he's either going to crawl back into his shell or go ballistic…"

"Which is exactly why I called you. Fin said Conner is at Bernie's house, is he staying there again tonight?" He asked curiously.

"Yes. You don't think they would go there do you? I want them to be safe." She said feeling more nervous by the second.

"I want to say no but we both know how unpredictable the press can be. Munch agreed to go down to her house to keep a watch on them and make sure no one does harass them. Fin and I can come to your house if you want to try and keep them at bay." Cragen replied.

"It's not like Elliot won't see the cars…" Olivia whispered as she heard the creak of the floorboards upstairs.

"Tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it Olivia. You know we have your back. As far as I'm concerned Elliot didn't do anything wrong…he did what he had to do to protect all the people in the precinct. But the media has a way of twisting stories to make people look bad…I don't want that to happen. But I also know realistically that none of us can stop this from happening now that the story is out there…" He said.

Her heart jumped in her chest when she heard Elliot descending the stairs, "I don't know what to do…"

"Do you want me to just come over and we can talk about it in person?" Cragen asked.

Elliot rounded the banister and started walking towards her at the counter, "Can I-can I call you back? I need to talk to…"

Even though she didn't finish her sentence Cragen knew what she was trying to say, "Of course. But don't wait to long…I don't know how much longer we can keep the sharks at bay."

She sighed and nodded as Elliot took the final step up to her, "Okay. I'll call you right back. Thanks. Bye."

Quickly hanging up the phone, she placed it on the counter and nervously looked back up at Elliot. He stared at her for a moment, trying to read her expression but he didn't seem to be able to.

"What did Fin want?" Elliot asked slowly reaching for her hand that was resting on the cool granite counter top.

She felt her body tense at his touch, which made her feel guilty, "That…that wasn't Fin. It was Cap…"

He let out a shaky breath and looked back at their hands, somehow afraid to look her in the eye as she spoke. "What did he say?"

She licked her lips and tried to keep her body from shaking, "The press got wind of the story and have been outside the precinct for hours. He's afraid they are going to be here soon…"

She watched his body constrict and pull away from her and she desperately wished she had actually pulled him back into bed just moments before. They could hide together…at least for a little while longer.

As he started to walk away from her she feared he was going to isolate himself again but then he turned quickly and grabbed the glass bowl full of fruit that was beside her. She watched in what felt like slow motion as he hurled it across the room and she jumped as the glass made contact with the wall, shattering as the fruit tumbled to the floor.

"Fuck!" Elliot screamed in frustration as he clenched and unclenched his fists.

Her ears seemed to be ringing as she took slow, unsteady steps towards him. But when she placed her hands on his chest, he didn't pull away like she expected him too. Instead, he let her pull him into her embrace and hold him tightly to her.

"We're going to get through this…" She whispered into his ear as she heard his breath turn from slow and steady to quick and ragged, "Together…"

She felt him nod in the crook of her neck as she rubbed soothing circles along his tense back. His grip along her hips made her think he just might break her in two but she didn't care. The only thing that mattered was helping him find a way through this…no matter how hard she herself wanted to fall apart too.

* * *

**So...what did you think? I hope you liked it! If you do, let me know by dropping a review! With the impending snow storm in my area, not entirely sure when I will be able to update if we do lose power. But I will try my best, especially if I get some good feedback! Thanks!  
**


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