Glee 1. Home Again

**Chapter One: Home Again.**

**Author's Note - This is my first ever story so please review it would mean a lot. Thanks!**

Rachel knew it was time to stop pretending. She smiled to herself at the irony and then forced her thoughts away. She sat on the plane and ordered a double Vodka; she was going to need it. She tried to calm her thoughts down; she tried to convince herself, like she had been for years that it really wasn't that bad. That failing wasn't that bad. Thousands of people never have their dreams come true so really she's just another statistic. She hates that thought, she hates herself for being a failure, for being a statistic, and she hates herself for having to finally go home to Ohio because really she can't always live amongst the clouds.

Rachel downs her drink and tries to settle her nerves, she'll be landing soon and she'll have to explain herself. She'll have to explain why she never let anyone visit her in New York or why she never let her Dads come and watch her so called shows. They didn't know she was returning, she hadn't told anyone, except Kurt. She smiles to herself, who thought that friendship would have worked out. Not her, the seatbelt sign turned on to show it was time to land. She wondered if it were possible to order another drink but she knew all too well she couldn't. She took a deep breath and prayed that she wouldn't bump into any of the Glee kids before she got her act together. Before she could come up with a story and prepare herself for the sympathy head tilts and the hugs that said "maybe next time."

Sometimes life really enjoyed kicking you in the stomach and if she was honest she really hated it for it. Her flight arrived right on time and she thought of all the flights she had been on that had been delayed for hours. Why hadn't this one? She thought bitterly to herself. Kurt was waiting for her with his arms outstretch and a huge grin on his face, she smiled and ran into this arms and laughed when he complimented her clothes telling her "They didn't totally suck!" She'd changed a lot since she'd left and she'd be the first to admit it. She wasn't the silly naïve little girl she was in high school who thought she could have it all; fame, talent, love. No, she was much more realistic now and slightly pessimistic if truth be known.

The drive to Kurt's apartment was quiet, he knew she had to soak in coming home and he really didn't want to push her for answers or information on those long four years she'd been gone. She didn't ask questions either; if she was honest she didn't want to know how the other Glee kids were doing, how their lives had panned out. She was in fear too much, what if they had done better than her? When they got to the blue buildings that looked very much like they belonged by the English Seaside, Kurt showed her to her room. It had been his sewing and designing room so all of the materials and the sewing machine had to be moved into the living room.

"I only decorated it to a minimal because I thought it could be something you did for yourself." He smiled opening the door.

It was lovely, the walls were a very light pink, almost dusted and there was a big double bed which Rachel desperately wanted to curl up into and never wake up. There was a dressing table and vanity mirror which were white with a bowl of potpourri and some moisturisers and nail varnishes already set out.

She turned to him and smiled, tears glinting slightly, she hadn't had a room this nice in a long while. "Thank you Kurt. It's really beautiful." She set her bags down and sat on the bed.

"You're welcome, I was going to decorate it with a theme but right now the in trend is full blown leopard print and I wasn't sure you would be okay with it. Or if it would clash with any hideous stuffed toys you would bring with you!" Rachel laughed and swatted at him.

"So, fancy going out tonight?" He asked attentively, knowing the answer but desperate for her to actually go out and do something.

"No I'm kind of tired; I think I might just sleep." Rachel replied sliding her black heels off and curling up on the bed.

"No!" Kurt announced. Rachel stared at him, her mouth gaping slightly. "No, I shall not let you! You can't just lay there in self-pity. We are going to get you a little drunk and have a dance and meet some mildly attractive men. Okay?"

Rachel grinned sitting up; "Only mildly attractive?" she asked.

"Well this is only Lima Ohio Rach, not New York City-" he trailed off, realising his mistake and looking at her an apology in his eyes and forming on this tongue.

She waved a hand in the air to stop him, even if it did feel like a knife being taken to what was left of her fragile heart.

"So," She asked. "Where are we going tonight for these mildly attractive men?"


	2. Out Tonight

**Chapter Two: Out Tonight**

Kurt Hummel stood his mouth slightly gaping and his arms hanging limply by his side. The dark haired girl in front him giggled and twirled around to show her outfit off completely.

"Wow Berry! Looking good, I am so glad you finally got rid of those sequin leg warmers!" he laughed, looking her up and down and smiling in approval. Rachel laughed back and straightened out her black dress, it was sleeveless and reached her mid-thigh, her dark hair that hung just below her shoulders was waved carefully and she had gained at least four inches with her black heels on.

"Hey, they weren't that bad, besides I only get them out for special occasions." Rachel winked at her best friend.

"So ready?" he asked and she nodded as they exited the apartment, tripping over a roll of material at the same time.

The club Kurt and Rachel went to was lit darkly with blue and red strobe lights covering the dance floor, they managed to grab two bar stools and both ordered dry martinis to sip while they scanned the club for any mildly attractive men.

"What do you think about that guy?" Kurt asked pointing to a slim blonde boy with a cheeky smile and ice blue eyes. "Do you think he bats for my team?"

Rachel's eyes ran up and down the blonde man and when he looked over at her she smiled flirtatiously, the look went unseen when the boy's eyes fell upon Kurt. "I think he plays for your team so much he doesn't even know that batting is a sporting reference!" They laughed together and Kurt looked at her, his eyes suddenly wide and pleading with her to allow him to go and talk to the man. She rolled her eyes and nodded, turning around she ordered another drink.

She ran her hands over her face breathing deeply. Being back in Lima was strange, she was thankful she hadn't bumped into any of the Glee kids. She hadn't figured out what she was going to say, how to explain why she was home, how to reason with them for what she did all those years ago. And what if she saw him? _Finn… _The name was a ghost on her lips, her eyes slipped closed as she thought about the boy that got away. His height and body, running her hands down his chest and feeling him shudder against her feather light touches and his scent of; warmth and love and something uniquely Finn. She wished she hadn't left things the way she did, she wished he hadn't left so angry and bitter and never wanting to talk to her again.

Rachel's thoughts were lost amongst the beauty of her memories when a man's throat cleared behind her, she swung her bar stool round and her face became almost pressed against a man's chest. Rachel pulled her face away from the blue shirt and looked up at a blonde haired green eyed grinning young man. His arms were placed either side of her stool and he looked down at her, eyes so full of a desire she couldn't quite comprehend it.

"Hi gorgeous" he drooled slowly; his voice was like syrup dripping slowly off a spoon. Rachel smiled at him waiting in anticipation for his next line. "Can I fill you up?" he asked with an added wink. Rachel's mouth opened slightly as she stared in slight shock, smiling she rolled her eyes to the ceiling.

"Does that line usually work on the girls you flirt with?" She asked curiously tilting her head to one side.

The man grinned in return; "Normally yeah, I was referring to your drink by the way." He said nodding to her full martini glass. "Is it not working on you?" The man asked.

"I'm afraid not. Actually I should be going to find my friend" Rachel smiled politely, wanting to avoid the good looking man with the awful chat up lines.

"Oh come on! You're a very beautiful woman; I am an extremely handsome man. I am thinking me and you should hook up!" He explained his theory with some very weird hand gestures which helped Rachel understand exactly the type of hooking up he meant.

"Wow and as tempting as that is, I should really be going." Rachel said downing the rest of her martini and picking up her emerald green purse. Before the blonde man had time to reply there was a laughing coming from the side of them, a tall dark haired man chuckling to himself, his face was turned away from them when he spoke but as soon as he did shivers flew through Rachel's body.

"Dude, get the picture she isn't interested in your bad chat up lines. Pick on a girl with your own simplicity." The mystery man said turning round. "I'm sorry about him, he plays nice really…" he trailed off when he caught sight of the girl being harassed by his friend. He didn't know what else to say, she was the last person he expected to be sitting in a bad club in Lima, Ohio.

His friend, Ben, was a guy he worked with at Burt's garage. He was an alright guy but could be a bit of a creep but normally he didn't have to get that weird with girls. All he had to do was smile and they were in his arms whispering all the things they wanted to do to him. Rachel stared at the tall, handsome man in front of her; this was the last thing she wanted. He looked good, screw that he looked amazing but she couldn't focus on that right now. She needed to figure out what she wanted to say to him, how she was going to greet him.

"Shut up Finn!" The blonde guy replied back, completely oblivious to the tension that had just stampeded into the three of them, "Ignore him babe. What's your name?" Rachel wasn't even listening. She just stared at Finn helplessly while her brain starting fitting in fear of what might happen next. She started to get up grabbing her purse and muttering "sorry" and "I didn't mean to". Like that would make sense or make him want her again.

"Rach…" He muttered and she stopped in her tracks swivelling round, her heart became heavy as his hand circled her arm to stop her from going anywhere.

"Hi", she muttered her voice barely whisper in the crowded bar. She looked over to his friend who had obviously got bored of the situation and disappeared to find another girl to terrorise.

"You look… beautiful" Finn said earnestly releasing his grip on her arm and shoving his hands into his pockets.

"Thank you." Rachel smiled, thinking how romantic comedy perfect this moment was and all she had to do was brush her lips against his and that would be the end. The credits would start rolling and the catchy music by some mediocre singer would start playing. But her reality hit her and she knew that wasn't how it was going to end because life wasn't perfect. It wounded you and right now she was too broken to ever see out of the dark tunnel she was stranded in.

Finn was searching her face for something his eyes wandered over it as if nothing had changed, as if they were eighteen again. "Shall we sit and talk he asked?" Pointing to a booth away from the dance floor and Rachel nodded following him; she sat down and prayed he didn't ask any questions she hadn't figured out an answer to yet.


	3. Remembering

**Chapter Three: Remembering. **

**Disclaimer: ****I do not own these lovely characters or Glee. Trust me, if I did it would be amazing. Nope, it all belongs to Fox and the very talented Ryan Murphy. **

**Author's Note: ****Please, please review! It makes me so happy and really encourages me to write more! So if you have reviewed thank you so much and if you could again then brilliant! Thanks! **

Rachel didn't know how to react to Finn, at first she sat opposite him waiting for him to speak, for him to make the first move and decide what they were going to talk about. But realistically this was Finn and he wasn't the most talkative of people. He simply sat in the booth, staring at his drink and occasionally forcing his eyes up to meet hers. When they did her stomach flipped of course and butterflies were let loose to flutter and dance their way around her emotions. She downed the other Martini he had bought for her and cleared her throat; she couldn't avoid him forever especially when he was sitting right in front of her, looking even more handsome than he had the day they had waved goodbye.

"How have you been Finn?" Rachel asked, starting off with an easy question.

Fin looked up in shock as if he wasn't quite ready to hear her voice after years of trying to forget it. "I've been okay actually; I'm working at Burt's Garage at the moment which is really good you know. I'm good with the cars and the blokes that work there, they aren't bad either." He didn't mention Ben, he wasn't worth it and long gone. Finn saw him leave the bar about ten minutes ago with a hot little blonde glued to him arm. He couldn't believe Rachel was here. What the hell was she doing back? He looked at her, _shit_ she looked amazing. How did she still have that power over him? The power that made him feel strong and protective, like he could do anything, the same power that made them scream and fight and walk out for doing nothing except loving each other too much. "How are you?" He asked, mainly to be polite; he didn't really want to know. He didn't want to know how famous she was and how Broadway was and if she had a talented actor boyfriend.

Rachel smiled "Fine, thank you. It's nice to be back." She didn't want to go into any more detail, didn't want to admit the truth, she couldn't say it aloud. She couldn't even do that in the darkness of her room or into her pillow at night whilst her tears soaked it.

"Taking a break from taking Broadway by storm then?" He asked his tone was off, half laughing lightly and half laced in the bitterness that lay there after four years of heart break.

Rachel laughed too and nodded her heart shattering at the thought of how let down she was and everyone else would be when they discovered the truth. "Something like that."

"Seeing any one?" It was a question that came from out nowhere, even Finn didn't know why he said it, he shouldn't care, and he couldn't care.

"What? No, Finn. Not at all. Are you?" She didn't really want to know but if he was she needed to find out now, before she fell completely head over heels for him again. Too late of course.

"Sort of" he mumbled eyes back to staring at his drink.

"Oh, okay" Rachel replied, wishing she had another drink to wash away the sinking feeling that had just hit her heart, like the Titanic going down into the dark depths of unknown waters.

They talk for hours, until the waitresses start glaring at them to go home because they want to too. The talk about pointless things really, Kurt and his fashion designing, they reminisce about Nationals and Regionals and laugh about how Mr Shuester and Miss Pillsbury are having a baby and Rachel squeals in excitement when she hears that news. She's quite proud of herself in sort of a sick way because she manages to dodge a lot of his questions about her career and how it's going and which show is next. It's around two in the morning and Rachel is sure Kurt left with the blonde guy from earlier and isn't sure whether going home is a good idea yet. Finn helps her up and she stumbles giggling slightly.

"So I should probably get you home Miss Berry." Finn states his arm around her to make sure she doesn't fall over in a hysterical mess.

"No, I don't want to go back to Kurt's or my Dads'. Those houses aren't my home Finn because I don't really have home. Not since you left." She's rambling and she'll well aware of it, she stops talking before she admits something she can't take back. "Ooh Finn! Let's go back to yours!" She announces poking his chest to emphasise exactly where she wants to be.

He starts to cough a little bit in shock; "I have a flat mate and I'm seeing the- someone. I really don't think that's a good day. I could book you into a hotel?"

She nods because, she's hurt again although she would never admit it, she'd forgotten about his "someone" and remembering again just made her want to slump in a corner, turn on sad music and cry.

Finn drives them to small motel because apparently he had drunk a lot less than her; it's just on the outskirts of Lima fairly near to where Kurt lives. He finds her a room with a double bed and clean white sheets that would make her olive skin stand out even more beautiful than normal.

She smiles and whispers "thank you" into his ear, her breath is warm and smells sweet and addictive and like coming home.

"You're welcome" he manages to stutter back. "Right well I'll leave you to it. If you need picking up tomorrow morning then you can ring me." He starts to leave knowing that if he doesn't now he never will because all he wants is her over and over again. And that really isn't fair on either of them.

Her hand circles around his arm much like his had done earlier that evening and he looks at her, "_Finn_", it's barely a whisper but it seems to speak to him in ways all her long lecturers never did. It says more to him than anything ever could. And he doesn't know what to do because his heart is broken in two, torn between everything he wants and what he deserves and should get. She's just standing there, looking at him with longing and sorrow in those huge chocolate eyes, her lips slightly puckered as though she knows he can't resist and _that_ dress which has been begging him all night to pay attention to.

"_Please"_. She begs him, pleads with him.

That's it. That's all he needs from him to grab the side of her face and push her against the wall and kiss her with all the passion and need and want he has been saving for four years. She kisses back of course, her hands finding the back of his head to kiss him harder, if possible. Her back is pressed against the wall and she grabs his shoulders so he can lift her up and wrap her legs around his waist. Finn carries her over to the bed and takes his jacket and shoes off, she lies on the bed and her fingers run over his chest to the buttons on his shirt, her fingers fiddle with them, need making them shake with anticipation.

He breaks the kiss for breath and for enough time for sense and reason to crowd his mind when he looks down at his drunken ex-girlfriend with more heartbreak in her eyes than he is sure he can handle. "Rachel, stop! We can't do this, I can't do this." Her eyes lock on his and for a moment she's sure she's going to cry because that's something the old Rachel Berry couldn't handle, rejection. But this new Rachel Berry, she's had plenty of it, she simply nods and agrees because she doesn't want to compromise Finn, doesn't want to hurt him more than she already has.

"Can you still stay here tonight? Just to sleep." She asks, slightly fearful.

"Of course" Finn agrees, as Rachel shuffles over he climbs under the covers with her and remembers all the years he spent wishing for this exact moment.


	4. You Need To Know

**Chapter Four: You Need To Know**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of these characters they all belong to Fox and the very lucky Ryan Murphy.**

**Author's Note: I know some of my lovely readers may not like this chapter but please stick with me, things will get better. And as always please review you have no idea how much they make me smile! **

When Rachel Berry woke up the morning after, she felt heavy. That was the only word which suited her emotional state; everything about her felt heavy. Her head felt heavy from the alcohol she had drank the night before, her heart felt heavy as she thought back to what had happened with Finn and her thoughts felt like they were going to drown her. The memories and feelings that had been floating around her mind since the moment she had laid eyes on Finn seemed to haunt her whenever she closed her eyes. Her heart weighed her down so much that she thought maybe she wouldn't get out of bed, perhaps she could just lie next to him with his arm wrapped around her and she could imagine that they are like they were before. Before it all went pear shaped and they started to dissolve amongst the rubble of the life they had destroyed, she had destroyed.

She knew staying was a really bad idea because then she'll never want to leave so taking a deep breath she slips out of the bed. Finn makes a noise half way between a grunt and a soft snore and she smiles silently to herself and the sun beams that are rising outside. Before he can do anything else like wake up, Rachel slips out of the room heels in hand as she escapes something she never wants to leave.

The motel where Finn picked for them to stay is near to where Kurt lives she knew it was early and she's half way down the road before she realises she left her purse in the room. She could go back she thinks to herself; slip in just as quietly as she slipped out. Pick her bag up and leave, she's sure she could leave. She just wouldn't look at him or breathe in and maybe capture his scent or listen to his soft breathing as he dreams of someone else. _Screw it! _She thinks it doesn't matter; she doesn't care if it makes her coward but she can't go back there. She'll just cancel her cards and get a new phone, one which doesn't have pictures of her and Finn's past life, taken from a different world.

She has to knock on Kurt's apartment door, she's praying he's home and he takes about ten minutes to get up and answer the door. When he does, he's wearing a deep red satin robe with the letters KH sewn on it in gold stitching, he also has an eye mask pulled up to his forehead and a very unimpressed look on his face. She whispers an apology and tiptoes past him, walking quickly to her room she strips down to her underwear and climbs into the bed. Her eyes shut and instantly she's asleep, where her daemons can't chase her and her mistakes don't haunt her.

At about one o'clock in the afternoon Rachel hears a bang as her door is swung open by a very annoyed looking Kurt. She groans as the light hits her and rolls over to avoid him but regardless of how bad she's feeling Kurt storms in and drags the covers off of his pleading friend.

"Get up right now Rachel Berry!" He demands bundling the duvet up and throwing it on the floor.

"Kurt, leave me alone! I got in really late!" She shouts back curling herself up into a ball.

"You mean you got in really early this morning? It was four o'clock, I swear if my skin suddenly becomes dehydrated because it didn't get a healthy number of hours sleep I will kill you! Where the hell were you Rach?"

"Just getting my heart broken all over again!" She states dramatically throwing up her arms and climbing out of bed.

Kurt rolls his eyes and looks at her; "You are so dramatic! Let me guess you were with Finn." He looks at her unimpressed.

Rachel stares at the floor as she puts her robe on to cover her semi-naked body, she knows that going to the motel with Finn wasn't one of her best ideas but she also knows that she wouldn't have done it any other way.

"Yeah, he paid for a motel but nothing happened we just slept. We were both really drunk and even though I am not a fan of drinking excessively I believe that last night it was completely fair to me." She was trying to make herself feel better not explain herself to Kurt although he was looking at her disapprovingly.

"Rach I really don't think…"

"Please don't okay? There is nothing going on with me and Finn and nothing ever will and that's fine. I understood that a long time okay, in New York."

"Did you really?" Kurt was looking at her like he could see straight through to her soul and knew all the times she had wished and cried and dreamed that he would come home to her even though he had no reason to after the way she had acted.

Rachel looked at him for a second, just long enough to know there was no hope in wishing and crying and dreaming. She smiled sadly before walking past him and into the bathroom to shower.

By the time Rachel was showered and had thrown on jeans and a black vest top Kurt had gone to meet Santana and Brittany for coffee, he didn't invite her because he knew she would just shake her head and mumble something about them having a better time without her. The phone rang just as she was settling down to watch Funny Girl, her classic pick me up. She was hoping it was the motel from last night calling to say they had her phone but when she answered it she was quick to learn it was a job offer, for her. Kurt had applied for a small waitressing job at a fancy restaurant in town on her behalf. They wanted to trial her that night for the job, they talked extensively about how her friend had somehow convinced the manager to take her on and besides they were desperate for staff. Rachel sighed and agreed to go there for seven, she knew she needed a job and waitressing was sort of what she had been doing the last four years. It was only fair to pay Kurt for letting her stay in the apartment and she still had money but it would soon run out.

As she put the phone down she nearly collapsed by the cooker and started crying. She knew she was pathetic, how many time has she cried over lost dreams? She just wasn't strong enough to be heart broken by fate but no she told herself. Like she did every time this happened, sometimes life doesn't turn out the way you planned and just have to deal with it. That was something she needed to learn to do. There was a light tap on the door just as Rachel finished pulling herself together.

"Hi" He whispered, his lopsided smile making her melt like butter on a heated scone.

"Finn" She replied her mind going blank.

"You left this" her face lit up as he produced her emerald green purse with her phone, money and keys all still tucked neatly inside.

"Thank you so much." She sighed in relief.

"Can I come in? I think we should talk about what happened." She knew this was coming but if she was honest she would rather shut the door on him and run back to her bedroom and hide under the covers like she did back in high school. "Rach, it was amazing to see you again and last night you looked so beautiful. I mean it, really really special. And kissing you made everything that happened in New York between you and me and… Yeah, it was like it never happened. God Rach, I wish that was the case. I wish I could kiss you and all of that shit would just go away and it wouldn't haunt me every day but it does."

"Finn please, I'm so sorry I never meant…. I know I am to blame for what happened. I know it was my fault and I wish I could just take it back but…"

Finn grabbed the side of her face and pressed their foreheads together, tears were shining in both their eyes as the band aids had finally been ripped off and their wounds glistened in the light of day. "Rachel, nothing of what happened that summer was just you fault okay? Both of us were to blame. And I was to blame for the kiss last night it wasn't fair on you and me and… Look you need to know who I am seeing. It's… shit I don't want to do this. It's Quinn. We're not just seeing each other Rachel, she's my fiancée."

The world went dark and silent and Rachel's eyes began to shut as she reached for a chair to sit down on. "What?" She whispered, she must have heard wrong.

"Rachel please…"

"I think you should just go Finn." She stated quietly, she kept her eyes down but heard him slowly walk out of the kitchen and close the front door. The tears hit her pretty soon after that moment and she sat for a long while silently sobbing at thought of Quinn Fabray in beautiful dress and her blond hair pinned up as she walks down the aisle towards Finn. Rachel's Finn. It wasn't right, things like that just didn't happen. They couldn't happen. Her eyes closed as her head thumped against the table, tears flowing into her hair and ears as she wished her mind would erase what she had just heard. She didn't want to know it. She wanted her Dads, the only constant men in her life who promised her the world and rarely failed on that promise. She grabbed the car keys of the table and headed to her Dads house for a long cuddle and big drink of water.


	5. Can't Stay Away

**Chapter Five: Can't Stay Away **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of these characters they all belong to Fox and the very lucky Ryan Murphy.**

**Author's Note: Okay guys, hopefully you'll enjoy this chapter. Thank you for reviewing and please continue. Reviews = love and happiness! **

"No freaking way!" A loud raspy voice shouted loudly from behind Rachel. Before she could turn around she was spun round and pulled into a strong hug by Santana Lopez. "What the hell are you doing here Berry?"

Rachel looked around the fancy restaurant they were standing in, both clad in the same short black dresses with white aprons wrapped around their waist. She never thought she would end up like this, she always thought she'd be the one being served in one of these restaurants. Her and Finn, the perfect couple; him dressed in a tux which of course he would look amazing in. She'd be dressed in beautiful white dress which would cling to all the right places. But that wasn't the situation in reality and she needed to remind herself of that. That was her problem; she couldn't keep running away with her head trapped in the clouds. "I thought I would come back here, have a taste of the real world!" She laughed, as always.

"Why the fuck would you come home when you live in New York?" Santana laughed, flicking her hair over her shoulder.

"I just wanted a normal job for a while." Rachel smiled, her heart breaking at the lie in her reply. How long was she going to get away with pretending and dodging questions? She knew she was going to have to tell the truth, especially to Finn. Finn… No, she needed to block him out, he could never be hers. Maybe he never really belonged to her, he was always Quinn's.

"It's alright here you know, it pays a lot and because of the rich bitches that eat here, we get amazing tips!" Santana grinned and winked at Rachel, her feisty personality still obvious to those who knew her when she was a teenager.

"Good, I'm staying with Kurt and it's only fair I pay my way." Rachel said not even thinking about the questions that that statement could bring up.

"Right…" Santana trailed off curiously.

"So I heard you and Brittany finally got together." Rachel said quickly to change the subject, quick to forget about New York and all the dreams that never became. She needed to focus on her future, her future with her friends and waitressing. She could be happy without Finn and her dreams; she was going to have to be.

Santana's face lit up at the mention of the tall blonde girl that often occupied her thoughts; "Yeah just after Graduation, I finally stopped being a pussy and admitted how much I loved her. We've been together for nearly four years and I don't think I have ever been so happy. So… have you heard about Finn?"

Rachel nodded sadly; "Yeah I thought he was lying when he told me. I mean Quinn? How does that work?" Her voice cracked slightly talking about it. She just couldn't bear the thought of him and her together, happily ever after.

"Yeah, some fucked up shit. I don't speak to them so much now you know? Rachel I, I know I was a bitch to you in High School but I always secretly rooted for you and Finn. I thought you guys would last forever." She smiled sadly looking into Rachel's dark eyes and seeing the shattered heart lying amongst the chocolate coloured orbs.

"Me too" Rachel said quietly, pushing her hair out of her eyes and tightening her apron. "So where shall I start?" She asked looking around the very posh, dimly lit restaurant.

"Just take some orders and put them on the computer through to the Kitchen. When you're paged on the buzzer take the meals to the right table. Head over to table six, that's only a two person table." Santana said handing Rachel a pen and pad to write the orders on.

Rachel pinned a smile onto her face and walked over to table six. Sitting there was a tall, dark haired, handsome man. He was smiling lovingly and his hands were reached out to hold the beautiful blonde lady's hands. Rachel shut her eyes and wished the ground would swallow her up or if she could just drop dead right there. God, how many times had Finn made her feel like that? Like she just didn't exist or that he was so much better off without her and all the messy baggage she dragged around with her every time she ran away. And how did Quinn Fabray have that ability to turn Rachel back into that awkward, desperate sixteen year old girl?

She couldn't turn back and refuse to serve them, not on her first day, she knew all too well how awful bosses and managers could be. She knew they would bully you and make you feel pathetic by simply the smallest thing. No, instead she was going to be strong. She'd been doing it for four years; she could do it for five minutes. Even if it was in front of him and her, the two of them being happy and in love whilst she stood on the outside, just like it had always been.

"Hi, is there anything I can get you?" She announced, pretending she had no idea who they were. She kept her eyes glued to the notepad and took slow steady breaths to stop herself from losing her strength and running away crying.

"Ra-Rachel?" She heard Finn stutter his voice a mixture of nerves and shock.

"Finn! Hi, how are you?" She asked pleasantly, pretending she was always pretending!

"I – I… fine." He managed to come up with; he was attempting not to look down because he knew that her legs would be waiting for him. Soft and long and toned, why did they make them wear such short dresses at this restaurant?

"Rachel, what a surprise, what are you doing in Lima? I thought your fantastic Broadway career would be keeping you way to be busy to play Waitress?" Quinn's slow drawl came out; Rachel awaited each word with fear of what it may be. She took her time of course, she still carried herself with beauty and poise and an almost royal way about her. Quinn knew she had that power to keep people waiting for exactly what she wanted to say or do.

Rachel ground her teeth together and desperately tried to stop her nostrils from flaring out and her hand to reach forward and slap Quinn Fabray right across that perfect face of hers. "I am… researching for a role actually in a new show. I wanted to get back into my small town girl shoes." Her smile stretched across her face as the great array of lies and false words to people she used to love came out.

They didn't talk much after that, Finn sat there looking so shocked he didn't even know what to order, finally he managed to stumble out that he wanted a burger before quickly looking down and taking a great gulp of red wine. Quinn had sighed at Finn and rolling her eyes ordered the Lobster, the most expensive thing on the menu of course. At the announcement of that Finn took another gulp of Wine and continued to order one more bottle. Rachel ignored them after that and busied herself serving other tables and desperately trying to ignore the feel of Finn's eyes on her whenever she was vaguely near them. She blocked out Finn and Quinn's conversation too, especially after she walked past and heard Quinn whispering how happy she was on their special celebration night. That made her stomach sink and then twist and then flipped and then crash into her heart causing it to smash into even smaller pieces than it already was.

After an hour she was paged over to the Kitchen to collect the happy couple's dinner, she didn't know why it took so long but according to Santana it was because the restaurant believed that sitting and talking to a loved one was just as important as the eating. Going over to their table she gently placed both meals in front of them and managed to refrain herself from throwing the Lobster all over Quinn's pink tea dress. Before she could tell them to enjoy their meal and warn Quinn that she hoped she wouldn't choke she got tapped on shoulder by Santana who walked past her winking and beckoning, making a gesture to let Rachel know she was going for a cigarette. Rachel grinned and followed her outside; she stood with Santana while she inhaled the tobacco and gently exhaled letting the smoke burn her lungs and drift through her body.

"Sorry you got stuck with bitch and bitchier." The tanned girl said looking at Rachel sympathetically.

"It's fine, kind of, not really but you know. I'll live and I'm feeling really strong at the moment and fuck it give me that." She grabbed the cigarette off her friend and took a long drag; she'd never really done it before in fear of it damaging her voice. What was the point now? The smoke got caught in her lungs and she coughed and spluttered, it stank and her eyes watered from it. "That is gross Santana!" She managed to choke out.

Santana laughed and took the cigarette off Rachel; "Yeah I know, don't start it Berry. Your better than that, your better than all this." It was the first truly honest thing Rachel had heard since she had arrived in Lima. Everything people had said, including herself had been lies and false promises and fake feelings. Santana was the only one who could tell the truth, the painful, beautiful truth. That's something Rachel hadn't heard in a long time. She smiled in return and whispered a barely there thank you, before turning and heading back into the restaurant. She smiled kindly at Finn as she walked past his table into the Staff Only room, it was small and darkly lit with benches and lockers for staff to put their bags and coats in. Shutting the door behind her she sat down on one of the benches and put her hand on her forehead trying to soothe some of the pain that was lurking behind her eyes. The door opened and she sat up, ready to excuse herself and get back to work.

Rachel stayed sat down though and looked at him standing there, he had jeans, a white shirt and dark blazer on and he smiled his slow lopsided grin at her, his dimple falling into his cheek with slow desire.

"What are you doing in here Finn? If you read the sign on the door it says staff only." She mumbled pulling at her dress and reaching round her body to tie her apron tighter.

"Let me." He said walking round her as she stood up, he untied the white fabric and his fingertips were soft against her hips, sending shivers all over body. He tied it carefully at first and his hands brushed her lower back more than was needed, he then pulled on the fabric tighter so it squeezed her tiny body slightly in a way only Finn could make incredible. Slowly his soft fingertips danced up the back of her tanned arms and ran along the back of dress. He moved her dark waves of hair out of his way before slowly dipping down and placing a soft kiss onto her shoulder. He heard Rachel sigh in relief at the feel of his lips finally on her skin. He then placed soft butterfly kisses along the back of neck as his hands rubbed at her hips in slow circles. Rachel needed him, she knew it was wrong really but as soon as he had walked into the staff room any moments of sense and what was right and wrong went right out of the door. She spun round on the soles of her black pumps and kisses him hard on the lips, so hard she could feel his teeth through the skin. Why did it always feel so good? Why did it feel like she was finally coming home after forever of being in a foreign land? He pulled her down on to the bench with him as he gripped the back of her head and moaned want into her lips. She climbed on top of him and ran her hands up and down his chest, feeling muscles that weren't there before. His hands finally reached her legs, her legs that had been begging him all night to kiss and touch and caress and promise the world to. God, he had missed her legs. He can remember when they were in New York she would walk around there tiny apartment in his football jumper and her underwear. He could never control himself when she did that, which was probably why she did. His hands travelled up legs and reached in between her dress, her lips were on his neck now kissing and gently sucking, careful not to leave any trace of them. He reached down and gently stroked her underwear; which made her moan out and throw her head back.

"_Finn_". She moaned, it was all so familiar like this was all meant to be. Except it wasn't. He wasn't hers; he shouldn't be kissing her or touching her like this. He should be outside with his perfect blonde fiancé and the wonderful life they must lead. "Finn stop!" She said firmly pulling away and climbing off of him.

"Don't you want this?" He asked, looking at her with all he the want in the world.

"Of course I do but I want you and you aren't mine." She said honestly, the first honest words in forever.

"I can't just stay away from you Rach, not when you're living here."

"Well you're going to need to learn because this isn't going to happen again." She didn't need to mention Quinn and how screwed up doing what they had done was considering she was just outside. "Go back to your fiancé Finn." She smiled sadly as he nodded and walked out. Rachel took a deep breath, steadying her body; she felt okay, strong, like maybe saying no and getting on with her life was something she was okay with doing. So she straightened out her hair, went outside and started serving table three.


	6. Carrying On

**Chapter Six: Carrying On. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of these characters they all belong to Fox and the very lucky Ryan Murphy.**

**Author's Note: For everyone who puts this story on Story Alert, thank you! But it would be amazing if you could please review, you have no idea how much they make me smile! For everyone who has reviewed you are the best! **

"_Finn…."_ The words left the dark haired girls lips as her ex-boyfriend's mouth roamed her body. She arched into him needing more. She felt she was going to explode, it had been too long since he had been near her in that way, holding her and loving her like he used to. She closed her eyes and forgot about the mess of their lives. His lips dragged down her body as her hands roamed his back, her nails dragging down the skin leaving red marks in their wake. It wasn't enough, she pulled his top off and he rose up and pressed their chests together as his hands slipped between them and traced unknown patterns onto her skin. "_Finn…"_ She whispered again, against his lips.

The alarm rang through the room far too loud and far too soon for Rachel Berry's liking. She groaned and pulled the covers over her head, desperate to ignore the incessant ringing. She needed to stop having those dreams; they were getting to be too much. It was the only thing that stopped her from blocking him out of her mind completely, not to mention they were completely inappropriate; after all he was engaged to little miss perfect Real Estate Agent. Rachel groaned again and switched off the alarm, she knew she had to get up. She could already hear Kurt's sewing machine hard at work and if he knew she wanted to hide under the covers and feel sorry for herself, he would kill her. So instead she got up and headed towards the shower, the hot water seemed to sooth her and she managed to force any thoughts of Finn or memories of their life together out of mind. But she does remember one thing; when after a long day at work they would climb into the shower together and stay there until it started to turn cold. Something about Finn and hot water made everything that seemed hard in their life become easy. She can't remember the moment that stopped happening, when they stopped being able to heal each other. She was too broken now, ever since… No, she can't bring all that back up, not now.

She walked into her room after the shower and smiled in relief, it was her night off and as she checked her schedule on her phone she realised Santana had invited her out to a club. She had been reluctant at first considering how well her first night out in Lima, seeing her ex love and getting hit on by his creepy but strangely attractive friend wasn't her idea of a fun night out. But Santana promised it would be good and Brittany would come with them so Rachel agreed. She was regretting it now, she had an awful feeling it wouldn't go well at all and she would probably bump into Finn and Quinn out on one of their date nights. Maybe she should call and say she wasn't feeling good or that Kurt needed her help with something, or…

"Don't even think about it Miss Berry!" Kurt's voice came from behind her. She whipped round and there he was, in her doorway holding a pink par of shears and a dress.

"Think about what?" She asked innocently.

"Thinking about bailing on Santana and Brittany, I have a date with David and you need to get out of this apartment. You can't just sit curled up under a duvet, feeling sorry for yourself and wishing the past could change. Look Rachel, I don't know what happened between you and Finn, I am hoping one of you will tell me in your own time. But, it isn't going to change, he's happy with Quinn and yes although she is at times domineering, she does have excellent taste in tailored suits and I have to give her credit for that. And you need to move on and start enjoying your life." Kurt had sat on the bed next to Rachel during this and placed his hands on top of hers. Rachel closed her eyes and let her head fall on Kurt's shoulder.

"I will tell you one day Kurt, maybe when I can let myself think about it."

"I understand, so what do you think you'll do today?" He asked picking the dress and shears up from next to him.

"I was thinking of re-decorating my room, I mean you did it beautifully but maybe some Rachel Berry touches would make it just right, if you're still okay with me staying?" She asked, slightly worried. She loved her Dads but unlike Kurt, they asked a lot of questions, it was better to just spend a few hours with them rather than living with them permanently.

"Of course I am okay with it and I think decorating is a marvellous idea!" He exclaimed.

"Okay, thank you. Oh and Kurt, are you about to cut that dress to shreds?" She asked curiously.

"Yes I am Rachel, its high end fashion. Don't worry you wouldn't understand." He grinned and spun on his heel before heading back into the living room.

Weeks had passed since the kissing at the restaurant with Finn and they hadn't seen each other or spoken to each other. It was right for them to start getting on with their own lives; they had done it when they were away from each other and even though it was hard now she was back in Lima they were going to have to learn. Rachel spent the day deciding on how to paint her room, the colours and shopping online for duvets and throws that would match the colour she wanted. She chatted to Kurt while he destroyed more dresses and drank lots of tea. Kurt screamed very loudly when Rachel asked about David, the cute blonde guy from her first night in Lima. They'd been seeing each other a lot and Kurt looked like he was going to explode when talking about him.

"Rachel I am telling you, his fashion is dead on and his dimples make me melt. But sometimes I really want him to just stop talking and just sit there and be cute for me." He looked guilty when revealing that fact and Rachel laughed and said maybe his personality wasn't that great, kind of like her in High School.

The evening came quickly and before she knew it Kurt had rushed to get ready and leave with the very handsome David who even Rachel gushed over a little bit. Before she left Kurt gave her a warning look to remind her she should go out with Santana even if it was just for his sake. Walking into her bedroom she looked at herself in the full length mirror, she had accepted many of her flaws a long time ago. If anyone taught how to love herself and never change it was Finn. She remembers when she didn't get a call back for a role because she was too ethnic, she cried and cried into their bed wishing she could just look normal and beautiful, like Quinn. She has said this to Finn and in shock he announced he had never and would never love Quinn and that Rachel was beautiful because she was different. To prove this he had kissed every space on her body, not leaving an inch out. Afterwards Rachel pretty much understand that she was beautiful, although Finn spoke lies about loving Quinn, she knew he didn't lie about her. She didn't know how she knew, she could just feel it.

She threw on some black leggings and boots with a grey top that showed off a lot of her bra, she did her make-up and was just about to check the time when Santana knocked.

"Damn Berry, looking good! What are you trying to make us have a threesome with you?" She winked provocatively at Rachel as she got in the car.

"Oh please Santana, you wish." She laughed back; she kissed Brittany on the cheek as they headed towards on old bar on the outskirts of Lima.

The place was small and overcrowded; there was a stage at the back of the room where a TV screen and microphone were placed. There were people everywhere, dancing and sitting in booths, ordering drinks from the attractively rugged bar staff.

"Britt, what do you want?" Santana asked her girlfriend before she pushed her way through the crowd.

Her girlfriend blinked back and frowned; "A drink, I thought that was what they sold here." She said confused. Santana smiled and went off to order three Martinis. They laughed all night, mainly having to stand up because of how crowded it was. They talked about Glee and all the songs they used to perform, they talked about how Santana finally admitted her feelings to Brittany in front of everyone the Graduation after party.

"Seriously," Santana laughed. "I had drank a bit and she was there laughing with some other girl and I couldn't stand it. This like crazy green eyed monster came out of me and I didn't know why I was fighting it. I mean, we were going to College and Brit was offered this amazing dance programme and I couldn't remember why I was so sacred of being with her. So I stormed over there told that fat faced, Katy to leave my girlfriend alone and kissed her. In front of the entire party, I mean we must still be in some of those desperate men's minds."

Rachel smiled and placed her hand on her heart; "And it all worked out?" She asked.

"Yeah I mean it was hard because I was away and Santana was working but we made it and now I'm home and am starting teaching Glee Clubs choreography. I think we're going to be okay." Brittany smiled as she ran her hand down Santana's cheek and Rachel's eyes glazed over with sadness. They could've made it together; they could have been coming home to Ohio and announcing their engagement to their families. If everything hadn't gone pear shaped, if she had acted differently and hadn't said those awful things that weren't true and that she didn't mean. A small red haired girl with a soft voice started asking for all the couples in the room to go to the dance floor and she started with a beautiful slow song and so Brittany and Santana went off to dance leaving Rachel to shove her way through the people and order another drink.

"Have we had sex?" Asked a voice next to her, she turned around shocked, standing right there was a tall, blonde haired, green eyed man that she was sure had already hit on her.

"No" Rachel said indignantly. "I am pretty sure we haven't." She grabbed her drink, paid for it and took a sip, ignoring his eyes that seemed to be boring into her.

"Do you want to?" He asked, pushing a boyish smile her way and his hands through his blonde hair.

"I'll pass thanks." She replied, before moving her way through the crowds.

"Wait up." The guy said following her to a slightly less crowded part of the bar, she stood there and watched couples dancing, feeling sorry for herself and lonely she felt at that moment.

"You do realise you have already hit on me right?" She asked, knowing he didn't, he was the type of guy who knew he was gorgeous and he slept with everyone to prove it.

"I know, you ignored me that time too, you're Finn's girl."

"I'm not Finn's girl." She said, getting more annoyed every time the loser opened his mouth. Why couldn't he go off and find someone that did fall for his shit?

"Okay, sorry. You're Rachel though right? Because Finn didn't lie, you're really beautiful." His eyes were on the floor and his hands shoved deep into his pockets.

She sighed, feeling kind of guilty for being rude; "Yeah I'm Rachel, who are you?" She asked holding her hand out.

"Ben" he shook it and smiled at her, he had the type of smile that made her want smile in return, and it was infectious. Like a contagious illness that you wanted just to say you had had it too, just for the days off, lying in bed. Just for the sore chest and head and the feeling that maybe you won't get better from it, yeah that was type of smile Ben had.

"Rachel would you like to dance?" He asked still holding onto her hand, she frowned at him dubiously. She knew exactly what he wanted, it was what he wanted off all the other girls in this bar and he could get it. So why her? She was complimented by the fact that he wanted to talk to her and flirt with her but she was also guarded, too many guys like Ben were around and she wasn't about to fall for any of his tricks. "It's just a dance Rachel." He said again.

"Okay." She smiled at him, putting her drink down; she followed him onto the dance floor where he put his hand on her waist and his hand into hers. They swayed together, their bodies pressed by the small amount of space on the dance floor. His eyes were lit up to the music and he hummed along into her ear, perfectly in time and pitch she might add. She looked at him and smiled as he blushed lightly, "You're good!" She laughed at him as one of his fingers slipped under the skin of her top stroking her back lightly and in time to the song.

"And you're beautiful. What other facts shall we point out?" Rachel laughed and rolled her eyes, muttering "smooth" under her breath while she placed her head against his cheek, surprisingly not thinking about Finn or Quinn or her past. She was only counting how many colours she thought she saw in Ben's eyes.


	7. Stay

**Chapter Seven: Stay **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of these characters they all belong to Fox and the very lucky Ryan Murphy. **

**Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed if I could hug you I would! I really appreciate it and it makes me so happy so please keep doing it. To be corny, you guys light up my day!**

"Finn!" A voice called from another room, it jolted Finn out of the daydream he was in. It was the same one he had been having since a certain dark haired woman had come home to Lima. The image haunted him, whenever he closed his eyes she was there; beautiful – with her head flung back in pleasure and her body writhing underneath his wandering hands and caught up gaze. He couldn't get away from her, even though they hadn't spoken in weeks, Rachel Berry was all he could think about.

"Finn!" Shouted the high pitched voice. "Have you seen my watch?" Quinn asked storming into their bedroom. Finn rolled over in the bed and sat up rubbing his eyes as the sunlight hit him.

"What? No sorry." He mumbled trying to wake himself up and erase the image that he felt was burning through his mind.

"Well that's just great! I have to go in five minutes, I have an important meeting to get to and you just lay there!" Quinn shouted before storming out of the room leaving Finn to throw the covers off himself and storm after her just as annoyed as she was now.

"What do you want me to do Quinn? It's my day off; I should be allowed to have a lay in my own fucking bed!" He retorted tired and annoyed. He was tired of fighting all the time but he was annoyed that she took out every little thing that went wrong on him. He couldn't make everything perfect, he wasn't that guy. He had never been that guy for Quinn, but he was for… No, he needed to block her out just because she was home didn't mean he needed to keep thinking about her and missing her and wanting her.

"Language! Look I have to go, I'll be home around five and remember you need to go to the DIY store and get the paint colour I wrote down." She looked at him sadly as she put on her now found watch, she wanted to kiss him goodbye and tell him she loved him. But she couldn't, they weren't like that anymore, they hadn't been like that for a long time.

"Yeah I know, have a nice day." He mumbled, heading into the kitchen to grab something to eat. There was no point going back to bed, he wouldn't sleep. His thoughts would be consumed by her, they always were. He thought maybe he had finally got rid of her, after years of wishing he had the balls to go and find and tell her how it wasn't her fault, how he should have tried more or understood more or loved her more. Now she was back she consumed him and didn't know what to do. Finn winced when he heard the front door slam and desperately tried to block out the thoughts of how truly unhappy they were.

Finn couldn't remember how he and Quinn had got in so deep. One minute they were kissing and he was drunk and angry and so full of hurt. The next minute they were moving in together and three and half years had gone by and so he thought he should propose, especially after all the hints she had dropped. She even bought them a fucking cat, a black and white animal that seemed determined on scratching his arm off.

He thought back to New York and Rachel, before it all went wrong, before the hurt and the anger and the tears that were shed by both of them. Their life was so different, they worked hard of course, they had to for money. But it didn't seem to matter because at the end of the day or after a night shift at the bar he would come home to Rachel. She would always be tucked up in bed with the television on an awful chat show. When she saw him she would open her arms wide to him and he would join her. She always had those tiny blue shorts and one of his old t-shirts on and his hands would find her smooth olive skin and he would trace patterns onto her legs until he distracted her enough. Rachel was all he ever needed so why did it all go wrong? Why couldn't they have worked through it? They were both so broken, he should never have left, he shouldn't have lost his patience like that and just left without saying goodbye. He knew that the minute he got to be airport. He wanted to run back to her and beg for forgiveness and promise her the world but he couldn't. All the things that were said and what she had said. He couldn't go back to that life. He needed his home and his Mom and Kurt and all the things in Lima so he got on the plane and desperately tried to not to look back.

For the rest of the day Finn chilled out in the apartment; eating and playing computer games. He knew he needed to go out but he just wanted to go back to bed and sleep for the next year, he liked working at the garage but it was the life he always thought he'd have. He needed this day off, to sort his thoughts and figure everything out but then Quinn started on about how they needed to paint their bedroom because she didn't like the current colour of Magnolia, and apparently they needed a new one. He sighed and looked at the clock, three o'clock he should go out and get the paint and show that he'd made some kind of effort towards what she asked. Quinn didn't need any more excuses to shout at Finn, they did that enough as it was.

He stood there in the DIY store staring at all the different colours of cream there were. Why the fuck was there so many? They all looked the same, it was beyond him. And why were they all called stupid names? Finn stared at the name on the piece of paper he was holding, Frosted Dawn. He picked up the tin with a colour on the front that pretty much looked like all the other colours.

"You look confused" Said a voice from next him. Standing there was the dark haired, dark eyed girl who had been dancing through his mind for weeks now.

He smiled at her and looked down at the tin; "I just don't get why they all look the same." He admitted his eyebrows knitting together in worry. "I had explicit instructions to get Frosted White but I don't know how she'd tell the difference." He shook his head and looked at Rachel; she winced slightly at the reference to Quinn and their life together.

"I'm sure she would, we can tell that kind of thing." She laughed and the sound was something he had missed. The sound of her laughter filling the apartment when tickled her or made a joke, that sound was the best kind of music he would ever find.

"What's the name of your colour then?" He asked pointing to the tin in her hand.

She looked down and read the label; "Raspberry Diva" She said smiling at how madly significant it was to her.

Finn laughed in reply and looked at her knowingly; "I like it. So you're decorating with Kurt?"

"Yeah, well just my room really, I'm thinking I'll stick around for a while. I forgot how much I missed this place."

"What happened to the Broadway Show?" He asked.

"It's been….postponed. So I thought I would come home you know, see my Dads." She lied; she was so sick and tired of this façade. But she couldn't tell the truth, she couldn't tell him how broken she was after he left, how she just couldn't do it anymore. Not without him.

"Oh, okay. Well I should get going, try and start covering up and moving out furniture." He smiled his teenage boy smile that brought her right back to High School.

When he arrived home Quinn was sat on the couch staring off into the distance and playing with her engagement ring. She was still in her work suit and had put her watch on the table. Her eyes were red from tears that had been shed since she had arrived home to find Finn gone and no sign of paint.

"Hey, what's up?" He asked setting the paint tin down on the floor and kneeling down at her feet.

"We shouldn't be doing this anymore Finn." She said quietly, running her hands through her beautiful blonde hair.

"Do what?"

"This. Us. You and I both know this isn't working. I'm not the one you want Finn. We're unhappy."

"Only because we fight, look I promise I'll help more and I'll do what you ask straight away and not like a few weeks later. Quinn, please. I'm sorry i-"

"I'm not the one you should be fighting for Finn." She rubbed her eyes and let her head fall forwards so their foreheads touched, she reached out and stroked his cheek. "Do you even know how we got into this?" She felt Finn's tears touch her cheek and she smiled sadly.

"Quinn-" He almost begged, needing her to understand that he couldn't let another girl just go, just slip from his grasp because he was too frightened to try and catch her.

"I'm not in love with you anymore Finn. I'm not even sure I ever was and neither were you. I'm going to leave and it's going to be the one selfless thing I have done in this relationship and you're going to let me." She stood up and picked up an overnight bag that he hadn't even noticed; she leaned down and pressed her lips against his. The kiss tasted like heat and tears and a million broken promises. "Goodbye Finn." She whispered before placing the engagement ring she had insisted on picking out on the table and leaving their home.

Finn sat on the floor several hours as the realisation of how truly destructive he was kicked in; he had made the two women he had ever loved want him out of their lives. He loved Quinn, of course he did. There was a connection there but it wasn't the right connection, he wasn't tethered to her. He thought back to High School when he broke up with her using that reason, she had just turned it back on him. What was he going to do now? He had an apartment he couldn't afford, a job he didn't particularly want anymore and a paint tin of Frosted Dawn.

Finn couldn't quite remember what got him at ten o clock at night banging on the apartment of Kurt Hummel. He was drunk, that much he knew for sure and he needed his brother and the ice cream stash he secretly enjoyed.

"Dude let me in! I'm fucking freezing!" He shouted at the door before it opened and a very annoyed looking Kurt stood in front of him, arms crossed and wearing a headband.

"What the hell are you doing here Finn?" He questioned.

"Quinn broke up with me." He slurred holding onto the side of the door for support.

Kurt rolled his eyes and pulled his brother into the apartment before he could make any more noise. "Damn it Finn, sit down and I'll get you a coffee. What do you mean she broke up with you?" He questioned.

"She just packed her bags and left and you know why? Because I fucked everything up all over again." He explained throwing his arms about wildly. "Just like I did with Rachel. Rachel, where is she I wanna to talk to her!" He demanded pushing past Kurt and heading towards Rachel's bedroom.

"No Finn that's a really bad idea!" Kurt shouted as Finn flung open her door and stood, wide mouthed and shocked at the sight before him.

There was his beautiful ex – girlfriend half naked, wearing only her underwear and straddling the lap of a certain blonde player. His hands were all over her, on her breasts and her abdomen, his mouth sucked on her neck, the same place Finn always did. Her head was thrown back in pleasure and her hands rested in his hair, begging for him to continue, begging from more.

"What the fuck is going on?" Finn shouted from the doorway, the two looked up in shock and Rachel squeaked in fear at the sight of him.

"Nothing man, get out!" Ben replied, trying to keep Rachel where she was as she desperately struggled away from his lap.

"Finn, what are you doing here?" Rachel asked after wriggling out of Ben's vice like grip, she stood in front of the two men in nothing but her underwear and a bright purple love bite forming on her neck.

"This guy?" Finn asked. "Of all the guys you could have fucked around with Rach, you chose this guy?" How could she fall for Ben's shit? He wanted one thing and by the looks of it he was getting it.

"Hey watch it okay Finn? This isn't a onetime thing Rachel's a really cool girl." Ben said standing up to try and meet his match.

"Yeah and you think once you've screwed her you'll think that. Rach, don't you get what guy he is?" He asked, almost begging. Begging her to want him instead, to want them all over again, he would move to New York with her, they would try; they would fight for each other. He would fight for her.

"Fuck this, look Rach if you want to see me ring me." Ben said pulling his jacket on leaving the room. Finn glared at him as he walked past him and Rachel looked like a small child standing alone and hurt, she reached over and pulled on a long grey cardigan to cover her body.

Tears were threatening to make an appearance as she stood in front of Finn, with all the distance in the world between them, she couldn't understand how they had become like that. "What are you doing here Finn?" She asked again.

"I – I don't know. Quinn left and I wanted to see Kurt and you and I just need you Rach." He admitted, his voice breaking but the tears not following, he didn't want her seeing him like that. "I'll go." He said turning his back on her.

"No," Said a small voice, he turned around to look at the tiny girl in front of him. "Stay, we need to talk."


	8. Four Years Prior

**Chapter Eight: Four Years Prior**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of these characters they all belong to Fox and the very lucky Ryan Murphy. **

**Author's Note: This chapter is quite an emotional chapter as some of what happened in New York will be revealed. I hope you enjoy and as usual please review! Thank you so much for following this story! **

"Hey baby, I'm home!" Shouted Finn as he shut the apartment door, he walked through the lounge to the bedroom. Sitting on the bed was his beautiful, tiny girlfriend wearing a look that he had become all too familiar with.

"You're an hour late." Rachel said quietly.

"Yeah sorry, Connor wanted to go out for a drink. And well I didn't think it matted if I left you for a while." He smiled, trying to keep the conversation light.

"I've been home alone for hours Finn. I thought we were going to talk about the thing." She mumbled, fiddling with the hem of her shirt.

"It's not a thing Rach, it's our-"

"Please don't say it." She warned him "By the way I didn't get that role in West Side Story." She looked down, tears threatening to make an appearance like they had been for days. How could her career be over and it hadn't even started?

"Oh well, next show yeah Rach?" He tried to smile enthusiastically. He knew this was hard for her, he knew that she wasn't dealing well with being let down time after time. Having her dreams shattered again and again in front of her eyes. She could handle it at first; telling him the next big Broadway show was right around the corner but a year in and her enthusiasm came to a stop. Her eyes no longer sparkled and her smile wasn't genuine. He missed his Rachel, his fun, happy, bubbly girlfriend who wanted the world and was determined to get it. She worked as a waitress now, while he worked in an old Garage down the road from their apartment. They both worked long hours and didn't have much time together, New York, their dreams; they were expensive and they couldn't live off love alone.

She glared at him; "You said that last time Finn." She replied, getting off the bed and padding into the bathroom. He didn't get it. Her dreams were dying and there was nothing she could do to stop it. No one seemed as a heart broken as she was, they weren't terrified and desperate. Should there at least be a firework when a dream dies? A light as the stars descend in grief because really you weren't strong enough to be heartbroken by fate. She had one last chance, tomorrow. Tomorrow auditions were being held for a Barbra Streisand Tribute Show, the Directors were looking for three girls to play Barbra in different times in her life. It was the opportunity of a lifetime, but her lifetime was already over. "What about now, what do you propose I do now? What am I going to do Finn?" Her voice was shouting and trembling as she looked at him and all she could see was the man stealing her dreams away.

"Don't you mean us Rach? I mean this is my baby too, I helped create her!" Finn stood in the doorway to the bathroom blocking her way of getting out.

She rolled her eyes at his stupidity; "It's not a _her_ Finn! It's barely a bump!" She started stripping her clothes off; if she couldn't avoid this conversation by leaving then she would by taking a shower.

"What are you doing? Rachel we need to discuss this!" His grabbed at her wrists to stop her removing any more clothes. She glared him in the eyes, attempting to rise to her full but tiny height. She stood in the bathroom in nothing but her underwear as her boyfriend grabbed her shoulders and steered her back out to their room.

"Finn! What are you doing?" She demanded.

"We are going to talk about this Rach!"

"Well I don't want to talk about it. I want to forget this ever happened! We're going to book an appointment at the clinic and by next week all of this will be over." She tucked her hair behind her ears and picked up one of Finn's shirt to thrown on over the top of her underwear.

"What?" He asked shocked. That wasn't what he wanted, he wanted a mini Rachel running around, he wanted a family and a home and to be a real Dad. And she just wanted to take that from him?

"Finn, come on. Don't look at me like that? You know that this doesn't fit in with our plans?"

"Well, what about new plans? What about different dreams? What about what I fucking want? Why does our whole world revolve around you? What about me?" He was spitting and crying and he had dragged his hands through his hair so many times he no longer looked like Finn. He looked angry and crazy and like if he didn't leave. He would do something unthinkable.

"Well you've figured your place out! You have the Garage. Where the fuck am I meant to be?"

"You think that's where I want to be in life? Is that what you want? Me being your Mechanic boyfriend while you walk around like you own Broadway. Is that all I am good for? Do you still think I am some kind of fucking Lima Loser?"

"Well if the shoe fits!" She screamed, she looked at him in fear of what his reaction could be to that. She had never called him that before, she had always believed he could do better, she still believed that but she was so angry. Why couldn't he just let this go? They could have other babies, just after she won her Tonies. She needed her dreams first and Broadway was her dream, her only dream. Except for Finn.

She couldn't read Finn's reaction, he looked like he was going to punch a wall or throw something out of the window. For the first time in their relationship she was scared of him and for the first time in their relationship Finn was scared of them. He was scared of how they should have seen this coming. No one moves to New York with their High School sweetheart at nineteen and expects it to work out. They should have quit while they were ahead, they should never have believed that they were going to get all they ever wanted.

She scooted past him and into the rest of the apartment and headed towards the door, she wanted out. He wasn't about to let her, she couldn't just run when things got tough. What was she going to do fuck someone else? Run to the Clinic to see if they had any early vacancies?

He grabbed her by her wrist to stop her reaching the door; "Rachel, you are not getting rid of this baby! Do you even know what that means? You'll kill her. Our baby, Rach please." He begged.

"Finn! You don't what it is. It probably doesn't even look human! We can have other children! Later. When I'm ready!" She needed to reason with him, this was the worst possible timing. The Barbara Streisand Tribute Show would never want her if she was pregnant and to play Barbra, she would kill for that. She closed her eyes in self- hatred because she would.

"Rachel you are not waiting! I am ready, I want this. I want our baby and you and a home. I will marry you Rachel. Rach, please Marry Me?" He was crying again and bent down on one knee, pressing his cheek to her flat stomach, his tears were soaking through her shirt and soon she too was in tears.

"You don't want this Finn. You might think you do but we're twenty and there is so much time for our dreams and our children but now is not it." Rachel was down on her knees, her fingertips stroking his cheeks, gently wiping away his tears.

He looked at her; "Fuck you." He whispered in anger. How fucking dare she? That was his baby! Didn't she know anything? What if it had his nose and her eyes and their dark hair? What if it laughed like her and sung like her and danced like him? "Our baby is a human something I know you are incapable of being. You're a Broadway fucking robot and I hate you!"

"Finn please! Don't do this; don't throw us away on something you think you want. In ten years' time, you are going to regret this. I am doing it for us! I am going through with it Finn! It is my body and you can't stop me!" She turned around and started to storm out but he grabbed her again, pulling her towards him by her wrist. "Finn if you don't let go of me right now I will start screaming until every one of neighbours come round to make you aren't killing me!"

"Rachel – " He said still holding onto her and that was when she started screaming, loud, shrieking, soul piercing screams that proved to him just how damaged they were. He dropped her wrist like it was made of fire. Like she was the flame and he was the match, he jumped away from her before they could set the apartment alight. But it was too late; they were both already so burnt.

"Fuck you!" He screamed at the top of his lungs as he followed her towards the front door. "Fuck you! You murderous self-obsessed bitch! I hate you! Go on, fuck off and go find someone willing to put up with your bullshit!"

She reached the top of the stairs and whipped round, tears staining her cheeks and new ones creating their own pathway, her hand connected with his cheek.

That was when she fell. That was when she lost her footing and tumbled down the flight of stairs. She lay on the ground, her head bleeding; she lay with her underwear and a McKinley High School t-shirt on, having just lost their baby.


	9. Our Memories Remain

**Chapter Nine: Our Memories Remain **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of these characters they all belong to Fox and the very lucky Ryan Murphy. **

**Author's Note: Hey guys, so I'm trying to update as much as possible because I go on holiday in two weeks' time and I don't want to leave you on a cliff hanger! Thank you for your reviews and as usual please continue! **

The door slammed shut with a loud bang that shook the tiny apartment and jolted Rachel Berry from her sleep. Her eyes flicked towards the time that sat on the bedside table, two in the morning; it was the third time this week that Finn had come home in the early hours. She felt her body and heart ache for him; she was curled up on his side of the bed in a tight ball, wearing one of his t-shirts and her hand placed carefully on top of her stomach. Tears filled her eyes at the thought of what was no longer there, she couldn't think about it. She and Finn were going to be just fine, they would get through this, as these thoughts ran through her mind she heard him stagger round the apartment, opening the fridge in search of more alcohol to fuel the pain he was feeling. She would just leave him, it was for the best. He just needed to get this out of system, he was hurt and angry and dealing with the grief of it all. She shut her eyes in pain, but so was she. She needed him; she needed her Finn to kiss her forehead when she cried in the middle of the night and to tell she wasn't to blame and that he still loved her. She needed him to hold her until she woke up from the terrible nightmares that had been haunting her since the fall. But he wasn't there; he was always out drinking away his hatred for her and avoiding the brown eyed beauty at all costs.

"Would like a drink babe?" Rachel heard Finn ask, she frowned and sat up confused at who he was talking to, it couldn't have been her. He hadn't spoken to her in days.

That was when she heard a voice giggle, a voice a woman. Her voice was slurred from alcohol and giggled in response to the name Finn had called her, the name that belonged to Rachel. "Thanks". She replied.

Rachel pulled her body up and tucked her legging clad knees up to her chin, holding her body tight to her. He couldn't have bought someone back, to their home. To the home they had built together when they were in love and happy and life seemed simple and beautiful. On those days when they would laugh and cook together when they got home from work and then make love until their bones and bodies ached and until Rachel felt like she couldn't breathe. She can't remember when they became so broken, when they stopped loving and started fighting. She tries to remember a specific time but all she can think of is the fight that occurred a few weeks before. She didn't think those things about him, she never would. She was just scared and hurt and angry and needed time to process new dreams. She had spent her whole life imagining Broadway that the idea of all her hopes changing terrified her, it scared so much it consumed her entire being turning her into this angry monster that hated Finn and everything she thought he had taken from her.

"So babe, what do you do?" She heard Finn ask as they moved from the kitchen to the couch.

"I'm an actress." She heard the girl reply, she had a voice that was nauseatingly sugary, Rachel closed her eyes and tried to block out what has happening in the very next room. He was angry and was hurting he just needed some time she told herself. She touched her stomach lightly pretending like she wasn't alone, like something was in there needing her.

"Really? Have I seen you in anything?" Finn asked.

"Well I was in a recent hair commercial." The anonymous woman flirted, her voice growing huskier as their conversation deepened.

"Well that's fair enough, you do have beautiful hair." Rachel shut her eyes, trying in desperation to block out the images of Finn, her Finn, running his hands through the unknown woman's curls and staring at her like he used to stare at Rachel. He shouldn't be doing this, she was hurting too. Her heart was wrecked just as much as he was when she fell. She blames herself of course, who else was there to blame? She got angry and stupid and obsessed with her own pathetic needs.

The woman giggled again; "Shall we take this to the bedroom?" She asked. Rachel held her breath, waiting for Finn's reaction, for his next answer.

"No, I – I ca – how about right here babe?" Rachel's eyes started to tear up, her throat started to close and all the aching she was feeling started sinking out of her in deep heart twisting sobs. She held onto Finn's t-shirt that she was wearing and inhaled him as she cried for all her dreams that had perished. She was so busy crying she didn't hear Finn enter the bedroom until the shaft of light from the hallway was block by a tall form. "What are you doing Rachel?" He asked his voice half of sympathy and half of exhaustion, exhaustion of New York and her and them and all the broken vows that had come between them.

"Nothing, just go back to your friend." She mumbled, turning over and away from him so she couldn't see him. So her guard couldn't slip away like it always seemed to with Finn.

"She's gone. She heard you and left." He spat at her.

"Finn, please…"

"Are you happy Rach? Is this what you wanted?" She sat up and whipped around looking at him in shock, his eyes were glistening over with tears and he took an angry swig from his bottle of beer.

"What? No, this was never what I wanted. Finn, please I am just as heartbroken as you. I did want this, I know I said I didn't but now I -"

"What now that it's all over you want it? How does your screwed up mind work?"

"Finn I'm not to blame okay? It was just a horrible accident."

"You are to blame. I blame you Rachel. You took our baby away and made me hate you. I hope you're really fucking proud of yourself; you can have that amazing Broadway career now. Congratulations!" He staggered around and spat at her in hatred as she sat there looking like a lost child, her knees drawn up close to her body to protect herself from him.

"Finn I –". She tried to stop him from continuing, from ruining them further but it was already too late.

"Save it. I'm going out." He announced turning his back on her and walking out of the apartment, the door slammed shut with a loud bang that shook the apartment. She closed her eyes in grief, how could they be so destroyed?

It didn't even feel like they were the same people who fell in love in High School, they were eighteen and had the world to take on. They were going to be in love forever and achieve their ambitions. Finn was her Prince and she was the Princess and she always imagined them taking on New York together, fighting and slaying the Dragons who wanted to take away their daydreams.

Rachel didn't think she was going to sleep that night but she was woken with a start by her alarm going off at seven, she's still had the voice from her nightmare ringing in her ears. A little girl; with dark eyes and dark hair and Finn's perfect nose running after Rachel, they were both wearing the same dresses – white with small red roses dotted all over it. The girl was chasing Rachel while she ran away, running deeper into a terrifying, unknown forest where bats and owls lived. The little girl followed her, running and tripping but Rachel just kept avoiding her while the little girl shouted after her, "Mommy."

Her eyes fill up with tears, she's never going to be able to get rid of it, and it's going to stay with her forever, what she did. She fell; she got so angry that she didn't take care of what she was doing.

Rachel gets out of bed to make herself something to eat, the Doctor told her she needed to rest but keep her strength up, her head hurts and as she walks past the hallway mirror she gently strokes the four stitches she received due to the blow her head took. The Doctor told her she was lucky, lucky she didn't break anything or damage her spine in some way. Rachel doesn't feel lucky, she feels destroyed.

On the couch at seven in the morning lays Finn, looking the most peaceful he has looked in months, even before the pregnancy and the all the tension between them he wasn't happy. She didn't know how to make him happy anymore, at one point all it would take was a smile or nudge or homemade Banana Bread but now, she doesn't know. Maybe Rachel couldn't make him happy anymore.

She sat down next to him touching is face gently, skimming the places she knew all too well, the face she had memorised after nights together, the face that could fix everything. Her fingers stroke the place where his dimple sits when he smiled and her fingertips circle the two freckles on the left side of his face as she remembers the time when he mentioned his insecurity about them and she kissed them both over and over again to prove how much she loved them.

"I'm so sorry Finn." Rachel whispers into the darkness of their lonely apartment. "I know it's my fault, I do. But I never meant to harm _her; _I never meant to lose her. I'm so sorry I didn't see how wonderful having her could be, having a mini us. I know I'm to blame and I'm just so so sorry. But please, I need you. Please don't hate me. I need you so much." Her tears stream down her face and descent onto Finn's cheeks, as her head dips and her forehead connects with his and she mutters a thousand "Sorry's" under her breath.

His hand is the first thing she feels, on the back of head as Finn presses her closer to him, he's crying too. There are no more words left to say as tears collapse and streak their cheeks in reckless abandonment as they mourn together everything they have lost; themselves, their dreams, their baby, their love for one another. He kisses the side of head and the place where the four neat little stitches lie just above her forehead.

"I'm so sorry I blame you but I can't stop it. I can't look after you or adore you anymore Rachel. We're so – so ruined and I don't know how to fix us. I want to baby, I want to so much but I can't. I can't live here anymore, in New York with you and this life we have tried so hard to make together. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I bought that girl home, I'm sorry I drank. I'm sorry I blame you."

Rachel never answered that speech, she didn't know how to. She only tucked herself in front of him, letting his arms wrap round her stomach and hold her like he used to. He held for a long time after that, hours even, Finn fell asleep wrapped up in her scent and hair and the feeling of memories lasting a lifetime.

Rachel gets up and pads to the bedroom several hours after seven that morning, she throws on jogging bottoms and an old t-shirt that isn't Finn's, for once. The rain is pouring down and splattering the widows making it seem like the sky is weeping for their relationship too. Like the Universe had given up as well. She shouldn't go outside but she feels, trapped like a bird in a cage desperate to fly but so confided it can't. She grabs an Umbrella from the stand by the door and attempts to tiptoe out, not wanting to wake him, not wanting to face him like this.

"Where are you going?" Finn mumbles, rubbing his eyes in a childlike fashion.

"Just for a walk, I'll be back soon. I need to sort my head out Finn."

"You have an audition today." Was his only reply.

"I know."

"Are you going to go to it?"

"Probably." She whispers, disappointed in herself, but she needed to work. She couldn't just lay around the apartment all day remembering the happiness she had years ago.

"Rachel, if you walk out of that door now, I won't be here when you come back."

"I know." Rachel mumbles, running her hands through hair. "I love you more than anything in this world. "

"I love you too Rachel Berry." He whispers, reaching his hand out to hers and gently squeezing as their only goodbye.

When Rachel returns from a three hour walk around New York their apartment no longer belongs to them, it has lost everything about what they were within a few hours. She walks through it and into the bedroom where most of her favourite memories took place. The wardrobe only had her clothes in and in the bathroom his toothbrush and toiletries are cleared out. Except, lying on the bed folded up is his McKinley High School t-shirt and a note with five simple words written in Finn's own awkward scrawl.

"You will always be beautiful."


	10. Head in the Clouds

**Chapter Ten: Head in the Clouds. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of these characters they all belong to Fox and the very lucky Ryan Murphy. **

**Author's Note: So this is the second to last chapter and I just want to thank everyone that has reviewed and alerted and favourited it. It was my first fanfiction and I really couldn't believe that anyone except for my best friend would care about my writing. So I want to give all of you a big thank you and say this has been so much fun! **

Rachel stood still in nothing but her underwear and a worn, grey cardigan. "Stay" She said in a small voice watching him carefully as he turned around. "We need to talk."

They sat down together on her bed and Finn struggled to eliminate the image of Rachel, his Rachel and that dickhead Ben. He was all over her, all over in the places he should have been, he wanted to be. Why him? And how the fuck did they get together? Rachel thought about all that had happened between them in New York. After years of blocking it out, trying to live with her head in the clouds and her life as far away from reality as possible, finally it was time to face all that she been running from.

"I'm sorry Rach; I shouldn't have just shown up tonight." Finn mumbled staring at the floor, unable to look at her, because if he did he would have to admit all that had happened between them and all the hurt that he had felt and all that pain and need for Rachel he had. All of that would come out if he looked into those beautiful brown doe like eyes, and he'd been denying it for all too long.

"You have tendency of just doing what you like don't you Finn?" She mumbled, angry. How dare he just walk into her home and her bedroom and kick out the guy she – kind of – liked. Ben was hot and out spoken and blonde and the complete opposite from Finn. She liked guys like that, in fact every guy she'd been with since Finn was his complete opposite; always blonde, always with blue eyes and every time she would shut her own and imagine it was him instead. That was why seeing him standing in front of them, like she was cheating on him. Like she had done something wrong, was all a little bit too much to handle.

"Yeah? And like you're little Miss perfect I mean what are you even doing in Lima Rachel?" He asked looking up to glare at her. Her heart swelled just looking into those chocolate brown orbs, her defence was slipping, and her lies were untangling and falling from within her grasp. When did Rachel Berry not have control of her life?

"I – I told you…" She muttered.

"Bullshit. I don't believe that you've come home from New York. You love that place, you – you gave it all up for that place. So why _are_ you back?"

"I haven't lived in New York in four years Finn!" Rachel snapped back, pushing her hair from her face and then shoving her head in her hands. God why did he push her? She could have handled it; she could have come up with another lie and just kept it going. He didn't have to know how broken she was after he left. He didn't need to know how their tiny apartment felt huge and how she spent days wearing that shirt he left and laying on his side of the bed crying and begging for him to come home to her. She wore that shirt and pillow out until it smelt like her instead of him. She tried to wash it to recreate the smell; she went out and bought the aftershave he wore and the deodorant he used to wear every morning. But nothing worked it all smelt clean and foreign and like the truth, the truth that she would never get that scent back, just like she could never get him back.

"What? Where have you been living?" He asked, confused. Rachel always managed to do this, confuse him. Ever since they first met and she did some crazy singing he was confused. Confused by his feelings, of how she made him feel. How she could be smoking hot and yet still be really annoying, the things that annoyed him eventually became his favourite things. But she still confused him, like when she said no and really meant yes. How the fuck was he meant to know? And how when she used to say "It's your choice Finn", she meant "Do as I say." Man, he screwed that up plenty of times. But right now, he was really fucking confused.

"I've been…. I've been working as a Flight Attendant." She mumbled, her hair falling into her face to hide the shame. The shame that her; Rachel Barbra Berry left her dreams of being a big Broadway star to fix her broken heart in the sky and the thing was, she loved it.

"A what?"

"A Flight Attendant, like on Planes."

"Oh. Why? What about Broadway?"

"I – I went to that audition, the day you left. I thought that if I could just work, things would be alright and maybe I could work and act through the pain. So I got up there and I went to sing and I – I couldn't. I couldn't perform, all I could think about was us and _her _and the love we used to have and all that hate that had taken its place. And I realised I needed you; I needed you so much that I just couldn't bare it. I couldn't act or sing about it, I couldn't do anything so I told the Landlord to cancel the lease. I packed my bags and I left. I left to come and find you, so we could start up a new life, here in Lima because all I needed was you. But I was hurting so much I just couldn't do it, I had the ticket and everything but I needed time to heal. And you couldn't be the one to do it because you needed to heal too. And I saw this sign about how they were looking for more Flight Attendants and I thought what better way to escape life. So I joined up and just about managed to pay for the course and I was good at it, you know? Being performer I put on a brave face and just worked through it. I'm okay now, I came home because I wanted you to know that but then I saw you and I thought maybe you are something I can never recover from, a scar that never heals, like this." She ran her fingers lightly over the top of a small scar above her forehead, just on the edge of her hairline. "Maybe I still need time."

Finn sat there in shock; it was a lot to soak up. She was never on Broadway; she hadn't even been in New York. All those times he imagined her in a big Upper East Side apartment with her fancy Wall Street man and an amazing career it was all a lie. She never had any of that; none of her dreams came true just like none of his did. He placed his hands gently on top of hers; he smiled remembering how large his were compared to her tiny, elegant ones.

"I never hated you." He said, honestly, it was time to be. "I flew to New York you know? About two years ago, I don't even know why. An attempt to feel better, I told Quinn I was visiting Puck in Queens but she knew why I was going there. I went to our old apartment, I didn't press the buzzer or go inside I just stood outside of it for hours. Hoping you would come out but I think if you had I would have hid or something. I went and watched Wicked, because I remembered how badly you wanted to see it, it was amazing Rach. I'm sorry I never took you. I walked around Times Square, remember like we used to? I just walked around it aimlessly for hours and then I went to Central Park and sat down on that bench where we did naughty things after you had had too much to drink. I went to the hotel where we stayed at Nationals, I didn't know why I was there, except every time I saw a girl with dark hair I froze and prayed she would turn round just to see if it was you. I was trying to heal too Rach, I tried everything, I think you're the only one who can help me. Please Rachel, please help me"

"I'm sorry Finn." She muttered, stroking the pad of her thumb over the side of his hand that was still covering hers. "I'm sorry about everything; I know it was my fault." Her eyes started to shine over with tears, which soon made their way slowly down her cheeks.

Finn reached up and wiped the tears away; "You need to stop blaming yourself Rach, I know you didn't fall on purpose. It was an awful accident and it couldn't have been helped. I acted terribly; I bought some random girl back to our home just hurt you. I don't even recognise that man Rach. I don't know why I did it, I just was hurting so much and I wanted you to hurt too. I know now how much you were, I'm so sorry Rachel. I'm so sorry I never saw it before." His eyes too began to fill with tears and it hurt Rachel more that Finn was crying. Finn didn't cry not since the baby and all the anger she made him feel.

She lifted herself off of the bed and onto to his lap facing him, his hands wrapped around her lower back and her grey cardigan began to fall away at her shoulders. Silk, lavender coloured, underwear were available for his eyes to absorb. He was sure she had become more beautiful in their four years away from each other, her skin was more glowing and smooth and her eyes danced so much more than the last time they had spoken. His body reacted quickly to how close she was all of a sudden and her scent of Vanilla and something uniquely Rachel flooded his nostrils like fresh flowers on a summer afternoon. It felt perfect, he and she bonded together, it felt like coming home.

She looked at him; her lips trembled slightly at the thought of how everything will change if she collided with him. How right it would feel but how it might ruin everything they had got through. All that pain and hurt it was still in the air, still hanging in every breath they took, still in every tear they cried and every lingered look. Finn ran the pad of his thumb across her lips and slowly bought her head down to his. "_Rachel_" he whispered, just before they lips met in, it was like falling in love all over again. Their lips trembling together as they moved in perfect harmony, his hands were in her dark curls as he ran his fingers through its softness, her legs were wrapped securely around him as she clung onto his shoulders deepening the kiss. Finn slid her cardigan off the rest of her body and gently kissed down her neck causing her to moan aloud as he reached her shoulders, gently kissing one and then the other. He pulled his head back up to look at her and she looked carefully at him, remembering the look on his face as pure happiness.

"Finn, we can't." She muttered quickly climbing off of him and leaving him sitting on her bed, his cheeks pink and his eyes full of reject.

"What? Why?" He asked.

"I really don't think this is going to help, I mean we're acting like kids! This isn't how we should sort this out."

"Rachel, but I –"

"I should go." She said aloud, mainly to herself, mainly for her own peace of mind because she was still talking herself into this decision. She needed Finn, she really did but it could get so messy and there was too much mess between them they should just quit now before they got hurt, before she got hurt. It couldn't happen again, her heart just wouldn't be able to take it.

"But you live here." He mumbled after her as she started to walk out into the kitchen, Kurt had disappeared from the apartment hours ago knowing they needed the space to talk it out. "Rachel, where are you going?"

"Leaving, you did it. You should recognise the gesture!" She called back her arms in the air in despair at the two of them. She felt Finn's arms circle around her waist stopping her from going anywhere.

"Rachel…" He whispered in her ear as he carefully stoked her abdomen, her breathing was turning erratic as she whipped around pressing her lips to his in a perfect match. His hands circled around her toned thighs as he lifted her up and wrapped her legs around him and carried him back to her room.

He gently placed her onto the bed and removed his shirt, she gasped slightly at the sight of him, he was much more toned then before and the sight of him made her need for his skin in contact with hers even more great. His chiselled chest rest gently on top of hers as his fingers danced across her olive skin and down to her underwear, he smirked as he traced a tattoo that wasn't there when they were together. Placed just above the band of her underwear on her abdomen was a small bird inked on her. He lent down to kiss it and Rachel's eyes closed in pleasure as her fingers clung to the back of his head. She reached down and unbuttoned his jeans her frantic fingers shaking in the anticipation of four years of missing all of Finn.

He reached back up and kissed her hard on the lips, sucking and licking and biting and then moving slowly down her body repeating the pattern. On her tattoo he sucked so hard it made her yelp slightly as he created his Finn shaped bruise, he soon smoothed the aching spot with his tongue causing her to let out breathing gasps. He peeled down her underwear and smiled at how completely wonderful this moment was, Rachel reached down and pushed down his boxers which he kicked off with his feet. He carefully positioned himself and before pressing himself into her he whispered against her lips "You will always be beautiful Rachel Berry." And as he entered all she could think was a life like this, with Finn was far better than pretending with her head in the clouds.


	11. Succumbing to Gravity

**Chapter Eleven: Succumbing to Gravity **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of these characters they all belong to Fox and the very lucky Ryan Murphy. **

**Author's Note: Wow! This has been the best experience. I would like to thank everyone who has reviewed and ask if you could please just review this final chapter it would be amazing if I could get to 100! I would also like to thank my best friend, Ally whose unwavering support and amazing paragraphs of inspiration has made want to write more and more. Thank you everyone for reading and loving this story just as much as I do! **

**I.**

They lay in bed hours after their night together their breaths having evened out, Rachel runs her fingertips over Finn's chest and he lays his chin on her head and inhales her Raspberry scented shampoo. Kurt soon returns though and when they emerge from Rachel's room; him wearing the same clothes from the night before and her in a big jumper and underwear he rolls his eyes but gives them a knowing smile. He understands about the effects of time and love and all the things it can heal; cuts you didn't even know were there and be sewn up and kissed better. Finn and Rachel kiss goodbye at the front door and they both smile as their lips match each other, tracing over the memories of the night before.

**II.**

They don't talk much at all for weeks after that night, the occasional phone call and flirtatious text that will leave them both grinning and blushing at the thought of the other and the lives they are living parallel from one another. They're both so happy they don't feel need to spend every moment together, sure there are times when Finn wants run to Kurt's house and bang on the door and lift her up and kiss her. And whenever he walks past the restaurant Rachel works in with Santana he walks a little bit more slowly just to catch a glimpse of her face. He never does, but sometimes it's just nice to know she is there. She needs space and not in the bad – I don't want to be with you so I'm saying I need space – kind of space. It's just she doesn't want to rush things and he understand but really, all he wants is Rachel. Kurt gets a job. It's a job for a magazine as the fashion editor, he's so excited that he screams down the phone to Finn and he can practically hear is step – brother jumping up and down in joy. The job is in New York. Kurt sits Rachel down and begs for her to go with him, he knows she won't be able to resist, he knows that she hates her job and her only dream in Lima is Finn. Rachel starts to feel scared and panicked because she's not sure going back New York would be healthy, not after all the progress she's made, they've made. She doesn't think she can leave Finn and the life she had started to create for herself, her home and job and friends and Finn and everything he is and everything they could be. On the flip side she craves New York, after four years of flying everywhere but never really seeing anywhere she thinks that maybe going back there might soothe her even more. She wants to face all the places she left behind and all the memories she deserted. She wants to return to her and Finn's building and remember all that happened there, all of the wonderful times they had. Like the water fight that happened on a scorching hot summers day and Finn had been teasing Rachel about her obsession with staying hydrated she became so wound up that she threw the glass of water over Finn which caused him to run over to the sink and fill a bowl of water up and chase her around their tiny apartment with it. Or the time when her Dad's came to visit and Finn ran around cleaning, wanting to make a good impression and the look on his face when they never commented on it. She's not sure he ever forgave them for that and she felt guilty laughing at him but they all added up to be the best time of her life. She knows the only person she has to thank for that is Finn and that is why leaving him would break her heart all over again.

**III.**

She doesn't tell Finn at first; in fact she avoids him at all costs; even going to the extreme lengths of ducking behind a car when she sees him coming out of a DIY store in town. It's only when he shows up on her doorstep with the same look he gave her the first time he saw her in the club after four years does she invite him and confess all.

"I don't understand the problem Rach?" He asks confused as to what she is saying and why she is denying herself the opportunity to go back to the place she belongs; wiser and stronger than she was when she left it.

"I – I love New York but it won't be the same without you." She admits her fingertips tracing unknown patterns on his palm.

"Rach, you've travelled around the world with a broken heart, you came home to Lima and you have dealt with how badly I treated you. You don't need me, you can handle life just fine by yourself and I'll still be here. I'm not going anywhere."

"I'll always need you." She whispers against him lips.

"Go to New York Rachel; fall in love over and over again. It's where you belong; it's where you've always belonged." Rachel kisses him slow and beautifully as she pours every last emotion she has into him. They go to Rachel's room that night and she falls fast asleep to the sound of Finn's heart beating, a steady promise that he will always be there for her and the feel of his fingers in her hair.

**VI.**

They pack up their things and Kurt heads off to New York first, they find a small apartment with two bedrooms and a small room which Kurt hijacks as his sewing room before Rachel even gets a look. Kurt is meant to get the place vaguely ready to live in while Rachel sorts out their apartment in Lima and says goodbye to Finn and her job. On her last day she hugs everyone and cries, even Santana kisses her on cheek and makes her promise to stay in touch.

"Don't think you're getting out of that threesome Berry!" She shouts across the restaurant, ignoring customer's glares and a tutting from the Manager.

Rachel turns round and smiles a true wide mouthed Rachel Berry smile; "Never!" She replies before walking out of that restaurant for good.

**V.**

It's midnight and Rachel is fast asleep when there is a loud bang on the front door, she checks her phone thinking it must be Finn when she sees she had four missed calls from Ben. She's been avoiding him. How do you say to someone that instead having sex with them you had sex with your ex-boyfriend, who was also his friend? No, instead she had just not been replying to the flirtatious text messages and not going out in the evening so she couldn't see him. She figured he'd get over it; he was a player, a different girl every night, the typical guy she would date. That is why she is so shocked when the opens the door blurry eyed, expecting to see a lopsided smile and open arms. Instead she sees blonde hair and staggering and a finger pointing at her accusingly.

"Rachelllll! Hey baby!"

"Ben?" She asks confused as why he is standing on her doorstep so clearly drunk.

"Yeah! Can I come in?"

"I really don't think that's good idea."

"Why? It's not like I haven't been in before, it's not like we don't know each other. In fact; we know each other very, very very well. If you can remember?" He says trying to push into the apartment.

"I can remember thanks Ben." She replies pushing him back away from it, he's so drunk he just lets her; his actions are slow and vague like truly he doesn't know why he is there, just the only place he knew where to come to show his hurt. Rachel doubts it even is hurt; maybe he's just embarrassment he probably isn't used to be dumped.

"Why did you choose Finn?"

"It's complicated." She mumbled, pushing her hands through her hair and wishing she could go back to bed.

"I like complicated, I'm complicated you know. I thought we would have been alright, me and you. We're both complicated." He lets his head fall against the wall and his eyes shut briefly.

"I'll get you some Coffee." Rachel retreats into the apartment and makes him some quickly, she leaves the door open but he doesn't come in and when she returns he is on the floor his knees up and his head in his hands. Rachel sits next to him and passes him the mug.

"I'm not the same kind of complicated anymore. I'm better now, Finn helped me get better."

"I'm going to find a nice girl who does that for me one day you know? Someone who can make all the mess go away with a touch."

Rachel smiles; "It's something only love can do."

Ben nods slowly and understandingly, he then turns and with a wicked grin and a twinkle in his eyes replies; "Not yet though, there are still some hot girls out there that need some Ben loving."

Rachel laughs and rolls her eyes, she slowly leans down and rests her head on his shoulder; "You are very good at that."

"I know babe and you know, sorry for just showing up. I don't really know what I'm doing here." He mumbles, slowly getting up and reaching his arms out to help Rachel off the floor, he bends down and places his lips gently to her cheek. "You really are something Rachel Berry."

"As are you Ben Thomas."

**VI. **

Rachel leaves Lima for New York in the September, the night before she goes she stays at Finn's apartment and they have a picnic on the floor; with Virgin Cosmos in aeroplane cups and she laughs as she tells him all the times she thought of him while flying.

"I used to see them and think about our first kiss and how you laid me down on the blanket." He leans into her body and smiles at the memory. It all seemed so long ago and as he stares into those big brown orbs he wonders how he could ever run away from this girl. No matter what age, how he could ever leave her; sixteen or twenty or now. Could he really just let her go to New York? Slowly Finn's hands caress her back and he lifts her up and lays her down on the blanket that was set up in his sitting room. His lips run over hers and he can taste the faintest touch of Virgin Cosmos, she looks at him with a tiny smile and in a small voice she asks the inevitable question.

"You can kiss me if you want."

"I want to." Finn replies and swoops down and claiming her lips as his own, running his hands under her top and slowly lifting it off of her body, his fingertips skim over her olive skin. He traces every part of that night, whispering how much I needs her just before he presses himself into her. Her hands dance all along his back and she feels his muscles contract at every touch she makes and every move they complete as one. His hand reaches between their bodies and before she moans his name in breathy gasps he looks into her eyes and again whispers her favourite five words to hear. "You will always be beautiful."

She leaves early that morning and at the airport he kisses her hard on the lips and hold until the last call for her to board is read out. Both their eyes fill up with tears as they promise to see each other soon, no commitments have been made by wither of them except the promise that they won't give up this time round. He lifts her up and she wraps her legs around his waist, he wants to feel all of her tiny being before she leaves do start up the life she deserves. They wave at each other until Rachel turns a corner and her view of him is gone, on the plane journey she sits and cries for the whole flight and the man next to her offers a tissue and some chocolate she accepts both muttering thank you before blowing her nose loudly.

**VII. **

Rachel has been in New York for two weeks and so far she and Kurt haven't argued ones and she had a job interview lined up to teach young children drama after school. She's surprisingly excited, Kurt tells she needs to start auditioning again and she thinks maybe she will. Perhaps for smaller roles though, she understands now that slowly building up a distinguished career is just as good as becoming a star overnight, not as fun, but just as good. She talks to Finn every other night on the phone and so far they have managed to keep it light; telling each other their daily duties and what they have been up to and repeatedly admitting to each other how much they miss one another. It's on a Sunday afternoon; Kurt is out at lunch with a model he met at a party and so Rachel is padding around the apartment doing pointless things like painting her nails or changing her bed linen, her phone rings unexpectedly and a huge grin appears on her face when she sees who it is from.

"Hey stranger, what are you doing calling today? We spoke yesterday." She smiles affectionately into the speaker; even though he knows she can't see it she hopes he can hear it.

"I miss you." Comes Finn's reply.

"I miss you too. What are you up to?"

"Just wandering around, what about you?"

"Just having a cosy day in."

"So you're not going out today?" He asks.

"Nope, why?" Before she can answer the buzzer on the door goes off. "One moment Finn." With the phone held to her shoulder she heads toward the door.

"Hello?" She speaks into the microphone, guessing its Kurt having forgotten his keys, again.

"Would like to go out with me?" The voice comes from both devices she is standing near and she stares down in shock.

"What?" She asks into the phone and the speaker, confused as to what to talk into.

"Would like to go out with me? You said you weren't busy today and I wanted to go out with you, one a date."

"Finn?" She asks.

"Rachel." He replies, humouring her shock.

"Like a date in New York?" She asks again, she's really not getting it at all and she can hear Finn laughing at her but she can't help it, it's not possible he wouldn't just fly out here. Would he?

"I checked to see if that little Vegan Restaurant you liked is still open and it is, I made reservations for kind of now so do you want to go out or not?"

"I – yes, yes but really? You're here?" She gushes jumping up and down with excitement.

"Really Rach; now hang up the damn phone and let me in." And so Rachel does just that.

They arrange the date and get ready in separate bedroom's preparing for the afternoon where their relationship will either sink or fly. And it seems to fly, soar even over rooftops and hills and mountains and into the blue sky that stretches so wide, like the lifetime they have ahead of them, together. They know they are going to be alright because when Rachel kisses Finn she feels sixteen all over again and like all that of that awful stuff never happened. Through space and time, it feels magnificent to Finn, how Rachel can trust and want to love him still after the way he acted and shouted and hated Rachel for making mistakes and really for doing nothing at all except loving him far too much. To Rachel it is like the two strangers they have become over the four years falling in love all over again and she gets the joy of rediscovering Finn and all of the wonderful qualities he gained while being away from her, she thinks some of those traits are the things she likes the most.

**VIII. **

Finn comes home to their apartment two years after that very day and Rachel is already home, he has band practice tonight and he only came to pick up his drum sticks. Rachel is sitting on the floor surrounded by packets and lots of tiny white sticks, she's holding one in her hand when he walks into their bedroom and Rachel looks up with the biggest smile he has ever seen plastered in her face.

"Rach; what are those things?" He asks curiously, already knowing but not wanting to presume.

"I know it's expensive but I wanted to be sure."

"Sure of what Rach?"

She looks at him in pure delight and tears in her eyes, the happy tears not the kind of tears that happened the first time round. "I'm pregnant Finn!" She says throwing her arms around his neck and kissing every space on her face. He laughs ecstatically and stares down at all eighteen pregnancy tests and ignores the voice in his head adding up the cost and then panicking that he can't.

"Well done baby! Well done!" He whispers pushing her back and kissing her mouth carefully. "I am so proud of you Mrs Hudson."

Rachel still giggles at the name, even though it's been six months she can't get used to it especially when they changed the name on the playbill for her show. "Thank you hubby!" She laughs pressing her lips to his jaw. "But we did this together." Finn gives her a wicked smile and gently pushes himself down to her, pressing his lips to her flat stomach finding it hard to believe their baby is in there. "Remind me again how that went?" He whispers, before Rachel rolls them over, whispering "I love yous" against his lips.

**IX. **

Funny Girl closes a week before she turns three months pregnant and Rachel cries incessantly when she sings "My Man" at the end, she stares dead on at Finn and sings the lyrics so passionately and with so much love and truth she gets a ten minute standing ovation. She weeps with her cast mates and hugs her understudy Suzanne with so much force it takes the breath out of her ; she thanks her for all the times she stood in for her when Rachel was throwing up and yet still insisting she could sing. She sits in her dressing room in only her underwear before Finn comes in and whispers all her wishes to her baby, it's just them and she can tell her baby anything she wants. All her promises and the things she's proud of, the person she hopes her baby will become but telling her stomach that no matter what she will love them.

"I want you to shine baby." She whispers. "I want you to shine whichever light you want, be proud of exactly who you are because you are going to be on this beautiful world for a reason. So you shine upon and love as many things as possible baby, because it's really the only thing that matters."

The name their baby girl Alyssa Sophie Hudson and she has Rachel's dark brown eyes and her hair and Finn's button nose. She has their best traits and sometimes in the middle of the night when Finn is fast asleep and Alyssa is lying in her bed with her thumb in her mouth Rachel looks down at her daughter and wonders at what point did she do so well? How did those two awkward teenagers manage to create such a blessed and lucky life? Most of the time it feels like all of the life they had before never happened and this is the life they have led all along. But they both know the truth and really, they wouldn't change it for the world.

**X. **

Sometimes Rachel feels like everything is downhill. When she comes home from teaching and Finn is covered in sweat as he starts panicking about what he has cooked for dinner and Alyssa runs at her with open arms and a thousand watt smile that matches Rachel's perfectly. Of course it's downhill in the sense it is easy like water falling off a cliff and into a beautiful, crystal clear crash of love. Sometimes Rachel can still here her heart beating a thousand miles an hour and her breath being held as she succumbs to the inevitable gravity, falling further and faster. Until eventually she can't hear anything, except the drift of all their heartbeats which is eventually lost in the current of the way they are.

She sits with her legs across Finn her hands splayed out onto his bare chest; slowly he lifts her arms up and removes the purple blouse she is wearing. He rolls them over and removes her underwear and then his. He kisses her lips gently and before he descends down her body he whispers; "You will always be beautiful Rachel Hudson."

_Fin. _


End file.
