Naruto, Ranma 1. Chapter 1

A/n: I doth not own Naruto, or Ranma, nor any other anime franchise featured in this work of fiction. To be safe I'm making this a Ranma crossover, since Naruto will more than likely spend the bulk of any written reality dealing with a Jusenkyo curse of my choosing. I'm not going to reveal much until next chapter. And, so begins our fractured fairy tale…

Chapter 1

Ranma: Satan's Strongest Disciple

By Gabriel Lopez

In this particular instance, it was obvious to anyone with half a brain, that, the third time _was_ not the charm. Because, Naruto had once again failed his test to become an elite genin… Actually, what with being considered a dead last Mr. Nobody, this was not really Naruto's fault. Technically, because Naruto was an unfortunate victim of a fatalist universe (more specifically, one were the jinkurichi's very existence was contrived to a spectacular degree) wherein there was no way around the very obvious stumbling blocks that were laid before the poor, pathetic little orphan boy. Yet, despite this misfortune, Naruto had one thing going for him… he, being the son of the great fourth hokage, had a greater chance of becoming Hokage than some other poor little orphaned boy living in Kohona. Naruto, also had the fortune of having the ear of current Hokage. While technically considered a nobody by his peers and few petty small minded elitist businessmen. An epistemologist would know that Naruto, was truly the fortunate son of the Kohona prefecture, better known as the hidden leaf village, located within the borders of the fire country. Anyone that knew how to research a subject would also know Naruto had a reputation a mile long thanks to a certain demonic entity nestled in his belly. Oh sure, he was hated by just about everyone he met but that was only because they were afraid of him… Reputation means nothing without the power to back it up. Just as having knowledge and being correct are to very different concepts.

In a world where the right thing is half hearted equivalent to what gets the job done, the potential leadership skills the boy displayed were far too many to count. Of course, Kakashi hadn't really done any scounting on the boy, he just blindly assumed that Naruto had inherited natural leadership abilities from his parents. However, in all honesty it was the fact that naruto had the misfortune of raising himself that accounted for most of his personal management skills. And, If the recent theft of the forbidden scroll was any indication, the leadership skills displayed proved that Naruto wasn't motivated by fear or guilt, he wasn't afraid of failure, and with this single act of thievery the boy had essentially captured the broom from the witch's lair. Kakashi knew this, and if he could replace those baby teeth with a set of fangs he could establish his legacy as more than a footnote in some scroll attesting to the fact that he was trained by best, he would be the best…

Sure it was petty, cheap, and it outright surpassed laziness to take advantage of the boy's natural abilities in order to use them to gain an advantage, but, if it didn't work out he had already hand picked a group of maggots that were more or less predestined to be successful in some aspect of their lives. The bookworm had an IQ that rivaled that of Shikamaru's and the Uchia brat was a bit of a wildcard considering the 'sharingan hadn't activated yet. Unfortunately, two thirds of his dream team were scalped the previous year by Mighty Gai… But, considering the fact that the one Kakashi really wanted to train was Naruto it was no big loss. Of course, by train, Kakashi was dead set on following the path of the lazy toad, as taught to him by his own beloved sensei, wherein one need not do anything more than read dirty magazines while orchestrating some petty rivalry between Naruto and one of his other teammates. This would be enough to spur him forward to a level of unsurpassed glory. Of course, that meant Kakashi would have to take special care to make sure Naruto wouldn't become a whacked out nut job like Gai. Unfortunately, the Third Hokage had enough foresight to warn Kakashi he would also have the responsibility of making sure aforementioned rival didn't stop caring about others, or become a shiftless lay about… that last bit didn't really make much sense to him, but he was sure everything would work itself out in the end. Besides, what was the worst that could happen? If he did nothing to stop one of his pawns from becoming a lazy, selfish, good for nothing jackass, that was the student's problem. It wasn't like there's a line of ninja's ready to join Orochimaru at the drop of a hat, and the Shikamaru brat was good people. Besides pawns were expendable.

Funny thing about legacies is they're only important to historians, who themselves reduce everything from footnotes, to biographies, or a series of actual events, into a narrative that is nothing more than a series of blended cliché's. Compounded with the fact that most historians are historically renowned for their traditional jaunts to the local tavern in order to get self medicated, one should not be surprised to find one of the oldest historians in the universe, one Setsuna Mieou, who was nursing a bottle of whisky and a mug of ale mourning the loss of Crystal Tokyo … again. It goes without saying that Setsuna had more problems than being an immortal two fisted drinker who owed Anko Mitarashi a fist full of dollars and a knuckle sandwich. No, Setsuna's problem was one Naruto Kazima, or whatever the heck the boy's name was in this timeline. Who, because of a temporal paradox created just after the theft of the forbidden scroll, was now missing. The lynch pin of her grand scheme to restore Crystal Tokyo, as with all the Jinchuriki, was Naruto's first born, who was the predestined to be Neo Queen Serenity. This horrific turn of events was really Usagi's fault. Apparently, the princess had a problem with two thirds of the planetary population needlessly dying for a perfect utopia backing the 21st century… Fortunately, thanks to some further meddling by Setsuna the planet was now populated by amoral assassins that would understand that a few deaths are necessary for world peace. Sure, the united federation of planets might have been an interesting alternative to Crystal Tokyo, but it was probably better if she didn't have to compete with the borg or the dominion until later. Having learned from her previous mistakes, like allowing the death of Hitler for instance, Setsuna had finally ensured her…that is to say Queen Serenity's ideal vision of the perfect universe. Unfortunately, Naruto had done something completely unexpected… rather than learning the Shadow Clone Jutsu, as he had in roughly every temporal analysis, Naruto did something completely unexpected. He summoned a genie, a Djin, a mischievous member of the third race that would enjoy nothing more than to screw with Setsuna's perfect universe.

If it was a simple case of wishing he was never born, or something to that extent, a new reality would set in, Naruto would quickly realize that it's a wonderful life, and become nothing more than the victim of bizarre experiment in temporal physics. But NOOOOOOOOO! Naruto, displaying a bit of common sense for once wished he could be somewhere he belonged. Not where he was needed, not where he was wanted, but somewhere he belonged. His very existence was a kink in a fatalist universe, contrived, and the truth was he didn't belong in this universe anymore than any of the other jinchuriki. Genie's, being known for trickster ways that would make a fox blush like to ruin plans for utopian paradise. Not to mention it was a really stupid wish since what ever strange place you find yourself in is where you belong. So, being the typically vindictive fairy princess thing most genies were in general, the genie sent Naruto to Jusenkeyo of all places. Worse, Naruto fell into the one spring Setsuna hated with every cell in her being. Spring of drowned warrior princess. Which was created tragically after the fall of the Phoenix King Saffron. If she had known Ranma Saotome's consciousness would have survived to bite her in the ass like a monkey she would have never- Setsuna Swallowed half a pint of Alcohol in one gulp effectively killing what few brain cells she had focused on the subject. Oh well there was always next century.

Some time earlier….

It would be redundant Naruto to focus on the fact that he had failed the genin exam for the third time. It was easy to understand why Naruto was willing to believe he could make up the points he lost during the initial exam with an extra credit assignment. The assistant teacher, Mizuki, had assured Naruto that he need only retrieve one of the forbidden scrolls from the Hokoge's library, but had forgotten to specify which one.

Naruto scratched his head in contemplation. There were two forbidden scrolls because one was obviously a decoy. Dumb luck may have favored Naruto in picking the scroll in a nearly infinite number of parallel universes. Perhaps there were worlds where there was only one scroll, or worlds where Naruto was the spoiled son of the fourth Hokage. However, there may just as easily be worlds where Naruto had been adopted by a member of the Akatsuki, and worlds where he was raised by his mother. Just as there was the possibility, however small, that there were worlds where he was born a woodland fox whose piss smelled for 12 days. Within this world however he was the orphaned container of the kyubi no kitsune, who had no knowledge of this or his parentage.

Rather than dawdle around the library playing a game of inie meanie miny moe...in which case Naruto would have picked the scroll on the left. Naruto picked up the scroll on the right, because he had reasoned that the game of moe was for suckers and designed as a way of duping petty small minded elitist bastards into picking the second best. After all, if they always pointed at him fist before picking the guy next to him, that confirmed that the game was rigged.

The reason for the second scroll was to ensure the weight sensor under the forbidden scroll would trigger the alarm. Oddly enough, by removing the wrong scroll Naruto had successfully deactivated the alarm. Thus leaving the scroll unprotected should someone else manage to slip past the dozen or so guard dogs, anbu, and traps designed to out wit even the most seasoned of ninja. That's because as people get older they like to complicate things. Naruto, being wise beyond his years however preferred to complicate his life with the KISS method of planning. In other words Keep it simple stupid. Ironically, it was Kakashi (having personally designed the security measures protecting the library), that had originally noticed the one glaring flaw to the security of the Hokage Library early in it's construction. That, of course, being that the ventilation system allowed completely unfettered access to the entire facility.

Unfortunately, despite knowledge that any 90 pound weakling could easily sneek into the library within the Hokage tower, and pilfer a priceless manuscript; Kakashi's warnings were ignored. After all, while the scroll contained forbidden knowledge, the knowledge was forbidden only to civilians and foreigners. Because, if anyone could manipulate Chakra, then everyone would have would have equal authority. However, by limiting the knowledge to a select group, the knowledge then becomes useful only to those who understand the mechanics of chakra... essentially everyone who could use the knowledge already has. Meaning, maintaining the illusion of power was more important than actually having it. Kakashi's observations were noted, but no one on the council except Danzo felt it was worth the effort to bother with extra security measures unless someone managed to rob the place. In which case a colony of combat chipmunks would be specially trained to geld the nuts off the first male assassin to slip past security. It goes without saying that Danzo lacked the amount of wherewithal to pick up on sarcasm, and he immediately set to work training his unholy army of nutcrackers. Sadly, no one wanted to know what the squirrels were supposed to do should a woman trespass the facility.

Apparently, Danzo hadn't either as Naruto had managed to successfully penetrate the facility using his Sexy jutsu. Granted. Naruto didn't know if the rumors of Danzo's squirrel army were true, but then again he hadn't exactly been his usual self when he entered the facility. Of course, Mizuki's warning about the Squirrels had slipped his mind upon his exit of the facility. Memories of aforementioned warning quickly returned when he was swarmed by what could only be described as a swarm of beady eyed, flesh eating, monsters. Fortunately, Naruto put up a good chase and managed to out fox the little buggers without raising the alarm. Although, he did feel a tinge of remorse about using that creeping, peeping, old fart at the bathhouse as a decoy.

Eventually, Naruto managed to find his way to a clearing that was generally referred to training ground seven. It hadn't been used in years, mostly because Kakashi had failed his potential students on a regular basis because He didn't want to teach anyone that didn't already know how to take care of themselves, often using teamwork as a fall back reason for mission failure. It really had nothing to do with teamwork. As far as kakashi was concerned If two out of the three students could survive on their own and at least one of them was willing to protect those weaker than themselves 2/3's of his job was done and he could continue reading dirty magazines in peace.

Naruto looked at the scroll and discovered that it was to cerebral for him to grasp what he was reading. "Make a lecher cry like a whiney hoe?" Naruto read the words aloud hoping he could sound out what was written. Besides, he had already done that earlier when he lead the squirrels to that old guy at the bath house. As far as Naruto was concerned the scroll was full of nonsense and gibberish there was no way he could possibly learn a technique from this thing unless he paid more attention in his cryptographics class than was necessary. "Oh Hiney Ho….Mecca lecka High mecha Hiny Ho!"

((( Poof )))

" Thank you for releasing me from my prison young one." the blue fairy, that is to say, Genie of the scroll, smiled. " I will grant you one wish, because I want to reward you for the good that you have done here. However, Be forwarned, you will get exactly what you ask for so think carfu-"

"I wish I was the bestest Ninja in the entire world so that I can become hokage, because then everyone would acknowledge me and I could finally be somewhere I belong" Naruto's words seemed to jumble together, but the blue fairy scroll genie thought she got the gist of what the young boy said.

" If that is your wish." the Genie replied before she snapped her fingers. Of course, there was a reason the blue fairy was sealed in a forbidden scroll. Immediately, a wicked smirk or perhaps a sickly smile crossed the blue fairy's lips. Granted, most people were too distracted by the spark of magic to see how the façade of her beauty slipped in a moment of cruelty. This was because there was usually a spark of light that accompanied the snap of her fingers and immediately afterwards the light engulfed both Naruto and the blue fairy. This was before they vanished in a flicker of blinding light.

"Huh?" Naruto blinked a few times as he cleared his vision from the blinding flash. Naruto discovered he was quite alone as the wind whipped through his clothing like a sock puppet. Evidently, Naruto had reappeared about a thousand feet over Jusenkeyo, and was staring down at what he would later learn was the valley of cursed springs bellow. He momentarily wondered how he was going to avoid all the pointy bamboo poles sticking out of the small ponds bellow. Soon as he realized he was falling quite rapidly towards one of the springs. Technically, the poles weren't really pointy but at the speeds Naruto was traveling chances were he would be impaled on a stick like a piece of shrimp at a barbecue in about ten seconds.

Naruto rolled into a ball hoping it wouldn't hurt as bad as that one time he belly flopped into the lake under the hokage moment. Naruto clenched his teeth and sealed his eyes tightly for what almost certainly be his final cannon ball. Naruto's realization was mostly accurate because as soon as he collapsed into the spring he was engulfed by darkness as he swallowed a lungful of water and bashed his head against a stone. With a loud splash Naruto Uzimaki, the three foot terror of Kohona, was no more.

A young red headed girl no older than twelve broke the surface of the choppy waters in the spring less than a moment later. The girl coughed up a lung full of water and then a second "Dammit Ryoga cut it out! I could have drowned you…know" it was then that the martial artist formerly known as Ranma Saotome came to the realization that she was very much alone. Her second realization was that she was very small. "Augh! You fucking pig as soon as I get my hands on you p-chan your dead you hear me!" Ranma cried out to no one in particular. Just her luck. Honestly, falling into another cursed spring, and one that made her a little kid to boot. Although, Ranma reasoned, it could have been worse… she could have fallen into spring of drowned fox.

**"Shut up brat you, sound like a woman!"** came a voice from inside her head. Ranma looked around finding no one as she crawled her way out of the spring.

"Ryoga?" Ranma asked pitifully before questioning why there was no one else present. What happened to Akane, Ukyo and the others? Why was she all alone? Why was she dressed in an orange jumpsuit, and more importantly where the hell did that voice come from?

**"hell?"** said the mysterious voice, although it seemed more like a shocked question at first. Then the voice seemed like it had discovered the secret to unlocking a treasure chest. **"Yes… hell. Buwah ha ha!"** if the fox had a physical form it would be smirking **"You've been a very bad bad boy Naruto"**

"Naruto?" Ranma asked half puzzled.

Oh this was too perfect, the accident that had cracked the boy's skull open had given him amnesia. **"Yes, It is I! The great demon you have been taught to cower before in fear. The great an powerful-"**

"Satan?" Ranma asked in near amazement.

Odd, the Fox didn't recall the boy having any knowledge of Judeo-Christian religions…Whatever he could still use it **"Yes it is I 'Satan,' and you will learn to fear me or else you'll be sorry."**

"Wow," Ranma paused "I kinda expected Satan to be more impressive."

**"Brat! I am Satan, you don't want to mess with the powers I have at my command."**

"Riiiight…" It was at that moment Ranma had a sneaking suspicion that the voice in her head was all bluff.

A/n: Okay the fox is going to act as the relay between Ranma and Naruto's respective personalities. However, mischievous misinformation will filter from one to the other until 'Satan' has Ranma and Naruto effectively at each others throats… prepare for trouble.


	2. Chapter 2

Ryoga Hibiki: Shinobi For Hire

By Gabriel R. Lopez

Summary: After failing the bell test, team 7 should have broken up immediately. However, in a world where Sakura is so desperate for affection as to hire shinobi from sound as bodyguards to look after her beloved Sauske (while keeping tabs on Ino and the rest of the fangirls), something like this was bound to happen. Meanwhile, Naruto winds up getting his standard private lessons from a perverted sensei, just as Sauske discovers the joy of pet ownership. When Ino's pig summon imprints on him like a baby duck...wearing a bandanna Sauske gets a case of the feels. If it weren't for the shojo-yummy/smiley face imprinted on the pig's belly it might have remained completely inconspicuous, as it stands (sadly) it has become Sauske's new inspiration for blood vengeance. Kabuto finds a new protege in Sakura, and agree's to hire the unofficial team 7 as part of his crack medical team known as the bone crushers.

Chapter !

In a small farm located outside Ryugenzawa... (And, by small in a place like Ryugenzawa it is understood that the farm is roughly forty acres with twelve foot high steel electric fences wrapped in barb wire surrounding a property on three sides) a decorative stone wall depicting the last great yokai war was covered in vines along the front of the property bordering the rue de osil. With eastern dragons carved into roughly every post along the fences length, a large replica of the shikahn jewel at the book ended finials, the sculpted walls looked excessively ornate and decorative... that such a hidden treasure had fallen into disrepair, as it was actually first created during the post modern feudal era by a prodigious sculpteur named Shippo Reynard, was possibly due in part to it's seemingly novel origins which will not be covered in great detail. The property, (containing two barns, a grain silo, water tower, a water well, koi pond, creek bed and pump) had a seven bedroom ranch house at the center of an rather uniquely arranged post and rail system that was rather spiderish and moth-like to an outside observer. No, this wasn't a former petting zoo, this was the summer home of Akari Unryu a pig farmer and merchant extraordinaire. If her family registar was to be believed she was also the last descendant of a hanyo named Inuyasha and a shrine maiden named Kagome... but, again, that is a story for another time.

This, my fair whether friends, is actually a story about her boyfriend Ryoga Hibiki who happened to be at the wrong place at the right time. At the time, all of the Unryu pigs were being implanted with RFID chips to make sure her specially trained wrestling pigs weren't rustled out from under her. Not that the situation was a likely probability given that most of her pigs, like all the animals of Ryugenzawa, were mutated monsters and close to human in size if not intelligence. This was arguably the result of dragons blood and fecal matter having been mixed into the local water supply. Because, as it so happens, the water pollution of Ryugenzawa was caused by an endangered, if not a functionally extinct, species of female Orochi that was only interested in molesting human women. Being that dragons looked like reptiles it was theorized that she might one day reproduce through parthenogenesis or, more than likely given the hallucinogenic and promiscuously devious aphrodisiac effects of her monthly visitor, a compatible sexual partner might one day emerge. Plus, given the notoriously long lifespan of reptiles with no natural predators...at least none that weren't microbial, fungal, or homicidal, it seemed reasonable to assume there might be the possibility of hybridization or reproduction with one of the snakes from the nearby Ryuchi cave network.

Most of the animals in the all encompassing Ryugenzawa forest were required by law to be implanted with RFID chips and many environmental agencies had insisted that the area, including the neighboring islands within the archipelago consisting of Nermia to the north, Jusenkeyo to the east, Juuban to the west, and Togenkeyo to the south, be sectioned off from the rest of the five Shinobi nations given that Konoha's legendary forest of death in the heart of the fire nation was a petting zoo filled with neurotic baby mice in comparison to the wildlife and seemingly demigod like humans that roamed the immediate area. Still, if one were to do a survey of the a major clans with special bloodlines or elemental affinities in the shinobi nations it could be argued that the people of the Ryugenzawan archipelago were comparatively neolithic. It was even theorized that the people and animals of Ryugenzawa had themselves evolved from a single species of proto-mammal or sloth like marsupial in isolation back when the island was a single continent known as Whimsyshire. Despite the discovery of fossilized remains of pegacorns, unicorns, pegasus, ponies, assorted baby dragons and shapeshifting insects, no evidence of such a fantastic species exists in the fossil record. Unless, of course, you believe the crackpot theories about singing ponies that is.

However, what makes the Ryugenzawan peninsula particularly special is the abundance of summon creatures available on hand for hire. And, there isn't a merchant worth their salt that wouldn't capitalize on the need for fifteen foot tall sumo wrestling pigs, combat razorbacks with fourteen inch tusks trained in krav maga, and other assorted javelinas with attitude trained for covert assault and messenger duty. Specialist pigs were in short supply of late. Of course, the RFID chips made it easier to summon a pig using the basic flaw of thermodynamics, that is to say garbage in garbage out. Summoning contracts were tricky and the lives of the animals were often put great peril as the life of a summon could be cut short if the summoner acted with carelessness. The oldest of her boars like Okkotanushi and Tatarigami had recently been put out to pasture after the Mononnoke incident earlier this year, and while Tonton was being trained as a medical assistant by Tsunade and her student Shinzune, the kidnapper that had claimed the lives of messenger hopefuls like Chokyuki jr., Charlotte, and Kobuta-chan had meant that she'd ordered more ID chips than there were an abundance of pigs at the moment. How the accident occurred was negligence on her part. When you see one sorry pig's ass after another they all start to look the same, and when there are twelve piglets to a litter you start to loose track after a while. Besides, using an air pressure gun to lodge tiny pieces of metal and assorted vaccinations into a ham hock before writing down a name to match the serial number into a boogie board was tedious work.

Ryoga normally didn't look like an unconscious piglet hiding in a haystack with nothing but his butt hanging out in the open barely three sheets to the wind, and to be quite honest, he was in fact Akari's idea of the perfect man and didn't even know it. Even with his family curse for getting lost and melancholy disposition, his obsessive need for revenge, and the hydrophobia, he was stronger than any of her sumo pigs, even when he was no bigger than a house cat by comparison. Not to mention the long hair, umbrella, and bandanna made him seem like one of those bishonen Fauntleroy boys or a gang-banger straight out of west side story...

Ryoga unfortunately did not like to be compared to a noble pig, much less being called a boar, despite Akari's love for all things swine. He would just put up with it because she reminded him of his sister Yoiko. After a seemingly fruitless search for his little sister, who was kidnapped by invading soldiers from the musk dynasty for being the 'monkey' who cursed their _fearless_ leader. He knew that he'd show them the meaning of fear once he got ahold of that limey bastard and that brigand in the hooded sweatshirt that was with him... Just as soon as he found his childhood rival Ranma. Ranma may have been a jerk, but there were always skilled people who just wanted to kill, murder, maim, or marry the transvestite. With all the people constantly fighting and bickering over him like he was the last mango on the planet, it was a wonder Ranma had survived the last 16 years of life with most of his sanity intact. Ryoga honestly didn't have the time or money to hire ninja and mercenaries to do the job properly, so Ranma and his army of ungrateful playboys and buckle bunnies were his best, last, and only hope. He would have rescued his sister from the monsters that kidnapped her sooner, and he could have done it by himself if it wasn't for the fact he lacked the numbers and skills necessary to pull off a job of this magnitude on his own.

After what seemed like several days in his fruitless search for Ranma, which was unusual because any other time he'd have been tripping head over heels for the cocky bastard, he came across the Unryu farm. Which is in and of itself odd because he somehow managed to get inside a highly armed facility, comparable to what the historians might easily refer to as 'Jurassic park' filled with murderous swine, and the one thing that knocked him out was whizzing on an electric fence next to a haystack. As a second choice for resources it wasn't half bad. After all, an army of pigs could be just as intimidating as an army of violent, sexually repressed, taijutsu obsessed, stalkers.

How it happened, how Ryoga was flagged as another member of the herd was immaterial, the facts indicating that Akari was in an almost dolphin like state of hypnogogia wherein half of her brain had completely shut down when she stabbed the hypodermic-needle-airgun-cattle-prod thingie into his butt. She dismissed it as a hallucination as she wrote down Charlotte's name into the logbook and continued working until every pig in the barn had been cataloged. Ironically enough, this actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise as Ryoga would never be lost to Akari again, just as soon as he returned from wherever it was he was now doomed to be teleported.

The Yamanaka clan in Konoha had a long standing Summoning contract with the Unryu Farm, and Ino and her father had made a special trip to Ryugenzawa so that she could select her first summon personally. When it comes to children and the art of selecting pets there's nothing like being a lemon on the assembly line. Charlotte was one swell pig all right, unfortunately she was a very sick little piglet and the last thing Ino's father needed was for her to show up dead on arrival. He was relieved to discover the little monsters hadn't been chipped yet, and insisted Akari replace 'the woobie' should anything take a turn for the worse health wise.

Several months later Ino and her father were allerted the minute charlotte was chipped and cataloged into the Unryu database. Of course, never one to leave things to chance, Inochi consulted some members of the Inuzuka clan and it was agreed that Hannah would be present during that first summon. The pig would then be given a physical complete with all the soldier pills, injections, paces, and suppositories that would entail before monitoring it for forty-eight hours. To say that they did not expect an unconscious teenager, looking like he had just taken a roll in the hay, with his pants at half mast, to simply appear on the operating table of in a veterinarian's office was an understatement. Of course, it was a good thing that wasn't what they saw as Ryoga clearly a piglet at the moment... a result of a magical curse that activated almost randomly with the application of cold water and effectively reversed itself temporarily through a similar method. Which is probably why Akari hadn't noticed her boyfriend among the thrall of other pigs looking for corn slurry that morning while she was poking them in the butt in her half baked dolphin brained state. The only thing unusual that could have been noticed at the time was a pile of clothing and a backpack caked in an inch of mud, laying somewhere in a ditch gathering moss in a creek, all of which would have been redistributed among the more sentient members of the Unryu herd by the time Akari got her head on straight.

It's said the life of a martial artist is fraught with peril, after being smashed against rocks heavier than a ton of bricks until he could no longer feel the pain during his breaking point training it would take nothing less than being thrown around like a rag-doll in a tornado to wake him up from his slumber with but one exception. His butt hurt and it was an itch he couldn't scratch. He couldn't put his finger on it, mostly because he was a pig at the moment and his hooves were roughly the shape of Sakura petals and quite lacking in opposable digits one might consider remotely tentacle like, but something wasn't right. It felt as if he was assaulted by a 1000years of pain, except someone screwed up the technique and gave him another butt hole. Granted, waking up to the worried sounds a young lady in crisis would normally give Ryoga pause for his own needs but his butt felt like he had been branded with a poker and he didn't like it. He felt the warmth of a terrycloth mattress rubbing against his nipples and was not tempted to move from that spot until he could figure out what the flip was going on. He was racked with pain and confusion, it almost felt as if he had been stuck by lightning again, but he couldn't remember the last time that had happened.

"...S-she's not waking up!"

"Now, now, no need worry I got just the thing. " Hannah stated. Ryoga heard the sound of a faucet , then brightened up in startled surprise as bucket of ice cold water.

"BWEEEEEE!" That got him moving, Ryoga stood up and shook the water out of his corse hairs.

"A lot of these summons have got some form analgesia or another, or something like that, so poking them with a stick don't always wake 'em up right away." Hannah said.

Ryoga snorted and sneezed as he shook some more water out of his ears.

"Awe, Isn't she adorable?" Ino coo'd. her mood having shifted from concern to adoration a bit to quickly for Ryoga's comfort. The last thing he needed was some other person calling him Charlotte, P-chan, or Sui. He shivered momentarily as he remembered that Shiratori Azusa wench. Under different circumstances he might have thought fondly upon her, but a child of such villainy needed a spanking. And, she needed one bad. Still, with Ranma's help he managed to win his freedom, of course it was her fault he was in that mess in the first place so as the team building exercise was a total wash, it was a real shame Ranma broke every bone in her body just before that chinese amazon showed up during the event otherwise he would have challenged his skating partner to a dual immediately afterwards... it was then that the gears started to churn in Ryoga's head and the pieces to an unresolved mystery started falling into place... Yoiko doesn't just look like Ranma... Ranma is Yoiko!

"BWEE!" Ryoga let out a startled cry. ((OMG! I Gotta save Ranma))he thought to himself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Maomorin: Unrequited Lover**

By Gabriel R. Lopez

Summary: Many religions acknowledge the existence of superhuman abilities. Among those presently considered gifts, and not blood limits, are extrasensory perception, super position, telepathy, and clairvoyance. None of which are considered blood gifts among ninja since everyone in a fatalist universe has better than 60% accuracy rating when it comes to predicting future events especially schizophrenics, salary workers, and paraprofessionals. Unfortunately, for Jiraiya anyway, despite his great talent and ambition, the perverted ninja couldn't think of a better way to alter future events other than to have his way with as many women as he could easily imagine. After all, when he originally wrote the tales of a gutsy ninja he didn't know he was a prophet. Obviously, he had dismissed his sexual fantasies coming to life as mere coincidence, a result of monkey see monkey do, but when his secret nightmare about being assaulted by squirrels came to life he knew the true face of evil, and it wasn't fifty shades of grey. . .

_**Chapter /3**_

Robbing a person of their dreams is analogous to stealing a child's toys, breaking them, and then immediately using the vandalized equipment to assault the same child in the cruelest way imaginable. That one might break the child's spirit as one pierces and penetrates the blood bone barrier to prepare baked goods for consumption, or similarly roast meat on a spit, simply to prepare them for market. To argue such actions against another thinking (if not feeling) creature are a violation of the social contract would be a gross understatement, as it generally has no more survival value than burning books, necrophilia, torturing defenseless animals, gambling with peoples lives, or slavery. To do so while taunting that child by saying they deserved it for some dollar mistake, or to assume that they _know_ what they did was wrong and should have known better; (As if they were a dog that's left a foul odored thing facing north by northeast on the floor, or functionally insane because they couldn't find relief while trapped in their master's cage, and for that brief moment of inconvenience indulged by their master for touching it, steeping on it,observing it, or having to relocate the problem to nearest waste receptacle, presently exists as an excuse for the use of excessive [punitive] force on the part of a careless monster who decided it was responsible for the dog's well being to begin with) is considered an act so violent as to be almost inhuman and doubtlessly frowned upon by as many self appointed gods and angels dedicated to separating the chaff from the wheat as there are hosts to carry them. Which is ironic because the chaff itself is an illusion which protects people from their own tendency towards destruction.

In a world run by extortionists, who call themselves capitalists, while using socialism to manipulate and control public opinion like a rancher controls the cowboys who herd his cattle on the open range. There is one man, with so much love in his heart, who would willingly sacrifice his own life so that others might live... that man is not Jesus, raised to be an assassin by the state, like the apostle Paul, a genius touched by god, his divine shadow a paragon of virtue like none other, the man who would be superman if he could do more than leap tall buildings (of at least fifty feet) in a single bound, run faster than a locomotive, or clean a public restroom so well you could eat pancakes off the floor. The almighty janitor I speak of, not to mention the personal waste lock and flusher of the demon kami and other forms of negative human energy and miasmic waste as ordained by virtue of being a decedent of the lecherous monk Miroku, was none other than Konatsu Kenzan.

Konatsu was currently employed as a skip tracer for a quilting academy situated over a tavern somewhere in wave country, which was reportedly a front for an escort service and bed and breakfast for ladies of the evening... It's just that, when Ranma found out how devastatingly beautiful the ladies at the academy were, that her room included a bit more than a bed, breakfast, a place to hang her recently acquired dog collar, leather vest, tight pants, and black sequined cap, or that the price was somewhere in the neighborhood of $800 a night, it made sense to leave before the first crack of dawn. Actually, as it wasn't entirely her responsibility for being there in the first place, the blame really should go to Naruto who had apparently gone full retard when Ranma finally manged to get a hold of a kettle in the days following her baptism in Jusenkeyo.

Apparently Ranma, who was functionally brain damaged after cracking her skull at the bottom of a very small pond, had not accounted for the possibility that the spring she crawled out of was not unlike the Fushannichuan (or spring of drowned buddhist priest). Evidently, when Naruto broke his crown the part of his brain responsible for fine motor control had ceased functioning and Ranma collapsed like a bunraku puppet at the moment of first transformation...allowing her to wake up in a sewer that housed one of the ugliest creatures she had ever seen. It was certainly not the devil she knew, especially after an incident where Happosai had become one of seven demons, scratch that, the time Haposai was divided into seven demons, or that time Kasumi was possessed by an ogre, and the time Nabiki got into a shop til you drop competition with a schizophrenic sadist suffering from disassociative identity disorder, or even including a mention of the time Akane insisted on wearing a bikini made from a living jellyfish and became a ecchi tentacle monster instead of just buying water wings like a sane person.

Upon closer inspection there really was nothing altogether scary about a monstrous animal in a cage, fire at least Ranma had a healthy respect for, but a giant talking animal in cage not so much. After all, there is no monster, demon, or alien scarier in heaven, on earth, and bellow than the human being... and Maomorin (a creature born of narcissism, contempt, and avarice, motivated by self interest and personal gain). Obviously, if the media is to be believed, humans are the great engineers, tentmakers, and world builders. Because the environment adapts to humans and not the other way around, the existence of a ghost cat with a heart of darkness and capricious nature had to be forged by a sadist. Which, is as is should be, as all creatures great and small adapt so as to make the world make sense to them. Except for Maomorin, who's overwhelming victim mentality allowed for the ghostly apparition to wander the earth in search of his bride like the legendary kelpie or bunyip of old so he might carry them off to their watery grave. Therefore, if a person wants to delude themselves into believing they have absolute control over their immediate environment and personal situation there's always a politician there to agree with them. Few in the region of Jusenkeyo know the details behind the origin of the springs of sorrow and the poor devil's contract with the prince of lies. After all, the first of Newton's laws of motion pertain to interference, and the last of newtons laws applies to natural consequences generated by an outside force. Which is how Maomorin's devil's bargin indirectly willed the springs of sorrow into existence. And, why the wish granting kitty cat from hell could never follow through on the nuptials.

Like all corrupted love stories of unrequited love and sacrifice in the region, the origin of jusenkeyo involved a magic snake, a fisherman, a suicide, and an unhappy prince. Why the suicidal swallow got top billing for passing out scraps when Maomorin did all the real work at the feet of prince Tokage's memorial was a mystery for the ages. People always hear stories about the iron heart and the bird of paradise that spilled its blood on a rosebush for love, but few actually know the story behind belling the cat. Maomorin was a cat, a kitty cat, he went "meow meow meow," and he liked to dance, dance, dance. This of course came to a head when he looked up at the moon one night, gazing up at the silhouette of little hans in the pale moonlight, and it struck him what humans called friendship was the source of great evil. Not that he really had many friends mind you, there was that one narcissistic swallow that he managed to bamboozle into helping him distribute the Macavity fortune among his foster homes, and whom he later consumed out of necessity on that cold winters day. But, if you really think about it loyalty, at least the kind unrelated to emotional attachment, genuine appreciation, common interest, shared priorities, and mutual cooperation was the source of a lot of conflict. Especially among children who often confused loyalty with worship, fear, and unconditional high regard for whomever is in charge. In fact, most militaristic values presented under the guise of friendship could be given a sadistically childish bent; and nearly all of them idioms of nomenclature.

Maomorin was not a moral imbecile, if anything that title should easily apply any creature that still judges a book by it's cover regardless of countless warnings. Like the sparrow that couldn't be bothered to look down long enough to see the predator at the foot of a monument to the king's vanity. Maomorin was not a psychopath as he was fully capable of learning from past mistakes gifted with a memory as long as his tail was short. With the exception of being functionally immortal, Maomorin possessed great empathy and was sensitivity to the needs and emotions of others. It goes without saying that Maomorin possessed the faculties of intuition, insight, and intelligence. He was more than capable of using logic, and had a good sense of humor. Maomorin was capable of satisfying most all of his needs and desires with just a bit of thought and effort. Except for one crippling psychological flaw he seemed quite charming. He had a way about him, a pretense really, a sambo routine, wherein he would pretend that he couldn't understand how other people saw flaws in each other and then use it against them. After all, Maomorin was flawed in the simplest of ways. He was obsessed with significance, control, fear, obligation, and guilt. An emotional vampire born and raised until he became a demon subsisting exclusively on the pain, confusion, and sorrow of others. It wasn't until he fell in love with one of Queen Mab's daughters, a nixie named Featherbrite, known for being a dragon half and matrilineal ancestor of the Saotome line that everything came to a head. Because, in those days anyway, it was customary for the groom to pay the bride's ransom, and not for the father to pay a dowery unless there was some other mutually agreed upon exchange. 'Rin's part in the exchange was to recover three rowan branches one of silver, one of copper, and the other gold. These particular rowan grew on an island that was guarded by a serpent that abandoned it's hoard to slumber every once in a great while on odd numbered days during a blue moon. Needless to say the deed was easily accomplished, he just hadn't anticipated fate would have a pitchfork or trident shoved up his ass when Featherbrite's father, who happened to be the dragon responsible for said Rowan shrubbery, reneged on the deal.

Circumstances change and time marches on. Sadly, for the original Ranma at least, it would appear the legendary Sod Murphy's law would be the martial artist's downfall as Jusenkeyo would be his final resting place. The cursed springs of Jusenkeyo assured it's mutual destruction the moment Maomolin and his bride 'featherbrite' became one in mind body and spirit. That Naruto inadvertently eliminated Jusenkeyo by wishing to be both the greatest ninja in the world AND somewhere he belonged, so everyone would acknowledge him and he might one day become a shadow or kage, was a surprising coincidence especially since wish granting djinni are so literal. Oddly enough, as it just so happened, Naruto was in the training ground where a certain bell test occurred at regular intervals when he made his fateful wish. In fact, a few years back a team of genin consisting of Xian Pu, Mu Tsu, and Ataru Moroboshi, thought they'd go the clever route and outsmart Kakashi at his own game by purchasing bells at a local outlet store instead of fighting Kakashi for the two bells he had on his person. After all, there was nothing in the rules of the bell test that explicitly said they had to kill the jonin sensei or obtain the bells directly from him. Spells R' Us being one of those holiday favorites that come and go, like the Spirit halloween store, had a lovely selection of hells bells for the romantic and monkey paws or rabbit's feet for the insane. Nobody really knows what happened to them after they left the store, even Kakashi just shrugged off the disappearance of the 'not quite' genin team as one of those things. There were wild rumors about one seeking blood vengeance on a couple of vagrants who stole her dowry, another joining the circus so he could wear kinky boots, and alien abductions in the area, but none of the rumors bore any fruit. This is important because Naruto, bless his heart, stumbled upon one of the bells purchased by the missing rookie ninja. Like a shiny penny, he picked it up thinking it would bring him luck. Of course, they also say that Adam had a secret gene, and unlike ninja it made him clean.

The bell itself appeared as a wholly unremarkable piece of kitsch that was only remarkable because of its age, an entirely unknowable thing because it did not tarnish. Despite it's cursed metal being worth more than gold, completely lacking in any texture its luster was all surface. And, while the magic had worn thin over the years it was hardly magnetic. The bell existed as a rumor and was dismissed just as quickly, like the red string of fate it's dark legend grew, its indestructible galvanized metal was useless without the power to craft it until a wild eyed young scientist, an alchemist really, named Edward Elric discovered it's true nature in his quest for the philosopher's stone.

The bell, it seemed, was a like a geode composed of gold, zinc, and copper, with petrified rowen wood as the nut inside. Technically speaking the bell was only remarkable on an atomic level since it was lacking in electrons and was composed entirely of tightly compressed glueons and negatrons. Meaning that an identically indestructible bell made up of positrons and neutrons, probably the size of a man's fist, existed somewhere else in the world made up of pyrite, copper, silver, with a glass ball or polished geode made with the yolk of an unborn dinosaur. Tragically, once Edward knew how the bell came to be indestructible, he was able to recreate the experiment. This cost him the life of his brother, his mother, and his nanny's baby Curtis Bradley the illegitimate son of King Bradley. However, instead of revolutionizing human engineering with his knowledge of advanced metallurgy Elric joined the military and would have sacrificed his life in battle had he not discovered the secret to making a philosophers stone. As soon as he discovered the key ingredients were mercury, sulfur, salt, and the chemicals in lima beans used to determine blood type, the economy went belly up which resulted in the deaths of a third of the population as gold became virtually worthless over night.

For many years the bell would only have nostalgic value, and by its nature cursed everyone who possessed it, a cruel irony born from three thousand years of death, destruction, and mayhem lead to an inaccurate yet bizarre legend to become attached to the cursed bell itself, passed from hand, changing the lives of all who possessed it, and sickeningly spreading the idea that destiny would take hold of all who possessed the bell and reunite them with their loved ones.

Obviously, the idea of permanence or the afterlife never occurred to the many star-crossed lovers, both human and animal alike that lost their lives to Jusenkeyo. Never quite making it to the heart of the valley and spring of drowned cat, which was coincidentally enough contaminated by Ranma Saotome during an incident involving the defeat of a phoenix, or something similar. In fact, the cursed springs of Jusenkeyo had become one massive tributary that fead into twelve rivers for a short period of time with its only victim being Ranma after the fall of Jusendo and several villages of monks, mages, fairies, demi humans, tour guides, and amazons that disappeared during the population boom of sentient animals that overwhelmed the Jusendo area. At one time there was a village of flying goblins, or pheonix people, who kidnapped Akane because they believed she was Tatawaki Kuno's paramour and were using her as leverage in order to recover a stolen egg. Tatewaki had purchased the pheonix egg from a certain egg catcher man believing it would be the key to destroying the dark wizard Ranma... which it ultimately was seeing as she drowned in the end.

Even though he never seemed to make the connection between the dark wizard Ranma and his fierce tigress or that they were one and the same. Tatawaki still managed to put the final nail in the coffin when he used a magic wishing sword build a memorial to their love. Unfortunately, being the romantic that he was, Tatawaki also wished he could join his beloved in the afterlife. This lead to his conscious mind being transferred into the body of a recently cursed monkey moments after she was forced into a spring by prince herb, then there was a struggle, the small kayak reached the tipping point, and soon there were two red headed Ranma's. It goes without saying the one in her birthday suit, baring a single lilly in her hair, was elated at first, given that a long awaited fantasy had come to pass, until she realized there was something seriously wrong here. It wasn't until the kiss of death, which caused the delusional kendoist to fall into a euphoric state of drunkenness as (a result of a phenethylamine overload) that she became aware she knew kung fu, krav maga, shark fist, hop gon juan, and tae kwon leap, among other esoteric martial arts. With a depth of mental clarity devoid of capgras syndrome for the first time since Tatewaki's father insisted she learn to master the sword on watermelon island, she knew instantly that the only thing keeping the tree borne kettle girl with a ladle from killing her with said implement was her stubby tyrannosaurus arms, being burdened with a cloak heavy with water, and the fact that between the two of them her opponent couldn't swim any better than Akane Tendo. Once she made it to shore and was modestly covered by rowan branches Tatwaki breathed a sigh of relief as she watched her opponent tethered to the kayack get dragged downstream as the tree born kettle girl struggled to reach for her paddle, was pulled under the water, surfaced as a kitty cat, struggled to reach the kyak, which flipped again, causeing the cat to go under and come back up as a little boy that the current was still carrying downstream. Kuno then used inductive reasoning to determine she was poisoned almost immediately, as there was clearly something wrong with the water and began the process of forcing herself to throw up.

* * *

**A.N./**Next time would you prefer Konatsu Kenzan: Skip Tracer [wherein he, Naranmao, and Haku join Gato under the minstrel leadership of Zabuza in an effort to join forces in defeating the vile bridge builder Tazuna],... or would you rather hear of Mint: Facetious Knight of Justice and the Liberation of boobies [wherein Mint takes the place of Naruto on team 7 as a substitute shinobi from Jusendo]... (you decide.)


End file.

Naruto, Ranma, Adventure, Humor