1. Chapter 1

**Tainted Hearts**

**A/N: Okay, so I haven't posted much since I joined, and this is only my second story. First one is a "Reba" fanfic I started a long time ago, and decided on a whim to post. After the fifth chapter I hit a wall and have no ideas on where to go with it. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue it or leave it up or not. Love to collaborate with other writers, so if you read it and have ideas or would like to write with me PM me. I'm open to ideas and am very cooperative and friendly so don't be shy in the least. I love SVU also and am hoping to purchase all the seasons soon so I can catch up on what I've missed. I had ideas floating around in my head while suffering from insomnia, so decided to take a shot at a new fic. Something new and fresh that I can keep up to date for y'all if you like it and hopefully not hit any roadblocks with. I'm moving in a couple of days and won't have internet for the first while so bear with me there. After that I promise to get back to it ASAP. Also I should post a note stating that this story does and will probably continue to deal with some pretty heavy stuff so there could be some triggers in there for some people dealing with addiction or anything of that nature. This is your trigger warning. Otherwise hope you enjoy and thanks for reading. Not sure how many chapters this'll be. That depends on y'all! :)**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own SVU or any of its characters. **

Olivia Benson. Anyone who heard that name automatically associated it with one of the finest and best detectives they knew. They linked it to compassion, understanding, unsurmountable will and strength, and someone they could trust without question. She had a lot going for her, and even though she knew this in the logical part of herself, in her heart she had a lot that she hid from everybody. Her upbringing and the things she had gone through in childhood and even because of her job had caused her to be overly guarded and shield herself from hurt, steeling her soul against the world's ugliness.

During the many nights that she had lain alone after a long night working a case at the precint she stared at the ceiling unable to understand how she had gotten where she was. It was her love of justice and the inexplainable force inside of her compelling her to fight for that justice for people like her mother that led her to being a cop, no doubt; but personally, outside of work she felt her life was stuck in a rut, like she was at a standstill. Crying herself to sleep had become routine, as had drinking a little too much on occasion. Most people wouldn't think this was a problem, letting go every now and again and not holding yourself to limits. Olivia knew better. Her mother had been an alcoholic and she knew even the slightest slip could lead her down the same road. No matter how few and far between her binges or "letting loose" nights were, no matter how she tried to justify it to herself, she knew it was a problem if not for her mother having had an addiction to alcohol and the fear of inherriting said gene, then for the simple fact that she knew every time she did it, she was doing it to numb something; some part of herself that she hated or some pain she was experiencing. It wasn't just letting loose, it was her attempt at being devoid of all feeling and emotion. What scared her the most, was that she liked how it felt to be temporarily numb. Numb meant peace, and unbeknownst to most people, she didn't experience much of that.

It was particularily late for a Friday night to most people, but as their team liked to say, they weren't most people. Olivia was just finishing up her work on a particularily tough case. It had drained her and the rest of the team emotionally and she was grateful to whatever higher power there was that they had caught the perp before the son of a bitch could come up with more sadistic plots and messed up tactics to rid the world of more innocent women. The things he had done were particularily gruesome and even though Olivia was fortunate not to have a weak stomach, this asshole had made her lose all faith in the good of humanity and caused her stomach to flip inside out and involuntarily spew its contents more than once. It had taken her hard-assed no nonsense attitude in the interrogation room for him to finally spill his guts and confess to the brutal rape and murder of four different women, the youngest only 15. Although it was difficult for her to hold herself together hearing the detailed confession, Olivia took pride in what she did and in her ability to eventually get these people who thought they were so cold, so hard, devoid of feeling and conscience, to finally crack. She had a good mixture of compassion and stamina and more than once people had said this was what made her one of the best.

As she finished up what she needed to, she was grateful for being able to leave what she considered early on a weekend. Usually, she rarely had time to be home for very long, if at all. Most of the team lived ate and breathed their work and the undying devotion they had to the cases they worked had them living at the precint.

"Capt, I'm gonna head out." she said this as a statement, not feeling the need to ask permission to leave as everyone else was getting ready to follow suit not long after.

"Okay Liv." He smiled warmly at her. He'd always thought of Olivia like a daughter, just like he thought of all the team as his own. "Thank you for all your hard work today. Go home, take a nice hot bath, relax, get some sleep. You deserve it."

She smiled a half smile as she looked at him. It was apparent that their captain busted his ass to make sure his team did a good job, and that he was there for them in any time of need. No matter how hard she tried to guard herself and the contents of her heart and soul to the rest of the world, she could hide nothing from Cragen. He could read her like the back of his hand, and while sometimes it was a good thing, most of the time she detested it.

"You're welcome. It's my job to work hard. As for relaxing and getting sleep, I'll try to remember what that is if my body will let me." Laughing lightly, she pushed herself away from the doorjamb of his office where she had been casually leaning during their brief interaction. Heading to grab her coat, she had every intention of leaving as quickly as possible, but collided with someone before she could. The voice she heard she knew best of anyone's, and didn't have to look up to know who it was.

"Woah, slow down there, Benson. Anxious are we?" She smiled slightly as she looked up.

"Sorry. I am in a bit of a hurry. Not usual that I get done this early on a weekend."

Smiling down at her he placed his hands on her shoulders. "Hey, it's no big deal. Don't worry. I was hoping to run into you before you left anyhow, although not quite so literally."

Now genuinely laughing, she playfully swatted at him. "Shut up, Stabler. And technically, _I _ran into _you._ What is it that you needed so urgently before I left?"

"Just wanted to know if I could come over later tonight, or sometime this weekend?"

Olivia groaned inwardly. As much as she respected, admired, and even loved her partner it was difficult now that he had become her partner in more ways than one. They had been dating for a while, and as far as he knew seemed to have a good thing going; He came over when he could, they'd had many long talks about everything and nothing at the same time, and sex. Lots, and lots of sex. During their intimate times, Olivia tended to shut herself off. It was like, when she drank. She became numb and devoid of real feeling. Sex with Elliot, for her was like an escape. Sometimes, she wondered if there was more feeling on his end than there seemed to be on hers, and she couldn't quite put a finger on why she wondered this or why she felt this way at all. But, she'd never tell him that. Everyone else at the 1-6 seemed to know, or think they knew about what the two partners had between them, but like so many other parts of herself and her life, she kept it all buried and hidden. If they only knew her real thoughts, feelings, and deepest, darkest secrets she felt they would be shocked, and have no trouble retreating from their positions as her best friends. She kept hidden for fear of scaring them off. No matter her inner turmoil, she felt like Elliot was the only one who couldn't be pushed away and shut out no matter how hard she tried; despite her insecurities and fucked up feelings, for now she tended to keep it that way.

"Hello? Earth to Detective Benson?" He said questioningly raising an eyebrow and waving a hand in front of her face to catch her attention.

"Hmmm?" his voice and the hand in front of her eyes had pulled her from her thoughts. Not many things could pull her from her thoughts and daydreams. Elliot was one of the few people who knew her well enough that he could.

"I said.. I wanted to ask you before you left if I could come over later tonight or sometime this weekend." He stated it this time, matter of factly, so as to make sure she was paying attention and understood his request. As she heard him repeat what he had previously asked, she remembered what had had them standing there so long and again groaned inwardly, as she felt her stomach growl on top of her increasing fatigue.

"Not tonight, El. I'm exhausted. For once, I'm done slightly early and I want to get home." Even though she would never admit it to his face, the last thing she wanted or needed was to be with Elliot tonight. She was moody, emotional, tired, and in one of her brooding, pensive moods. It wasn't the best for her to be around people when she got like this. Especially not people who knew her relatively well. She hated that they could read her.

Looking down at the floor, he tried to hide hurt and feign indifference. "Oh, yeah. I get it. It's fine. Maybe Saturday or Sunday then." Even though it wasn't a question, there was intonation at the end of his statement that indicated to Olivia that he was hopeful she would oblige his wishes and allow him to come over. She sighed deeply before making eye contact again.

"I'll give you a call, kay?" As much as she appreciated him she didn't think she would be calling him to come by that weekend, but she didn't want to hurt him either, so she half smiled.

He didn't have any words left to say, so he simply nodded as she walked out of the preccint.

Much to Olivia's chagrin, the weekend passed by rather uneventfully and quickly with her not being on call. She was far from the barhopping, partying, wild night type of girl, but when she was alone without work and nothing else to occupy her time, she had time to think; and when she thought, she usually had feelings come up she didn't like, leading her to justify the action of drinking too much with an ease that scared her. She had drunk that weekend, not as much as some nights, and not as little as others. She had stayed in bed, lounged, slept off the affects of alcohol and been uncharacteristically lazy. Although laziness may not be what people thought to be part of her personality or character, she wished she could stay in bed forever, and was perplexed and disappointed when Monday had come around so quickly.

The alarm sounded, the tone nauseating and painful to his ears at the ungodly hour of 4:30 on a Monday morning. In previous years, he would have angrily rolled over and forcefully slammed the "Snooze" button but now he knew better. His internal clock was too unaccustomed to normal hours for him to turn over and get any extra sleep even if he tried. Getting up out of bed, he was slowly awakened from the dense fog of slumber, and realizations begin to hit as the cool temperatures of the house that had been scarcely heated overnight began bombarding his body like a wall. The coolness of the wood floor on the soles of his feet sent an extra shiver up his spine as he tried to gather himself and his thoughts for the day ahead. His weekend had passed agonizingly slowly.

He had waited, his phone next to him, checking every ten minutes, for her to call, but it hadn't happened.

_"Liv, it's me. I hope your okay. Just checking in. Would really like to see you, at least talk to you. Please call me, okay? Bye."_

_ "Olivia, it's El.. again. It's Saturday night. What's going on? Please call back."_

_ "Babe, it's me. Seriously what the hell is going on? You haven't answered all weekend. It's Sunday night. I'm starting to worry. I probably shouldn't, but whatever. If I don't hear from you, I'll see you at work tomorrow."_

Maybe to some he had seemed overbearing and annoying leaving as many messages as he had, and maybe with anyone else he himself would have seen it that way but Liv was different. Ever since he had gotten a divorce from Kathy, he had been so messed up and Olivia had been the only one to bring him any kind of hope, relief, or pull him out of the misery. He was always worrying about her, watching out for her. They were partners, bonded in life by their jobs; in work and in personal matters he had her back and maybe sometimes he overstepped his boundaries but he didn't care. He knew her better than many people did or probably ever would. Frankly he worried about her now more than ever. Her behavior seemed different. She seemed distant, even during making love to her, he felt like something was off. Like she wasn't fully there and her mind was somewhere else. He had brought this up to her, but every time she had insisted she was fine and brushed it off like nothing.

Usually, he could read Liv like a book, but lately she was so cryptic and the pages of the book that was her soul were frayed and unreadable. He'd never admit it, but he was scared beyond description.

As she was sipping her coffee, she contemplated whether or not to go and wake her daughter up yet. Mulling this over in her head she chuckled to herself. Despite the fact that she was ADA Alexandra Cabot, everyone knew her name, status and wealth, despite the fact that the arguments she presented in court caused most to cringe, sweat and shift in their seats, she was still, and maybe always would be, unable to coax her teenage daughter out of bed for any reason. She took after Alex in the sense that she loved sleep and no matter how many hours she did or didn't get, she never felt refreshed and rested enough to face the world when the time came.

She drained as much as she could from what was left of her mug of coffee and poured the rest haphazardly down the drain in the sink, watching the brown liquid swirl downward in slow circles before running the water momentarily to remove any residue and setting her mug on the counter. Deciding to play the nice parent and give her daughter a few extra moments of her beloved sleep, she went up to get dressed for work before waking her. There was enough to hate about Mondays without her playing the bitch with Raye-Anne this morning. Hell, she had court today, and wasn't looking forward to it in the slightest. The fact that neither of them were morning people, and both of them were stubborn and hard headed as all hell also played heavily into her hesitancy in waking her daughter.

Piecing together and slipping on the last, and most essential part of her outfit, her trademark heels, she reluctantly trudged down the hall to her daughters room. She noticed with the crack of light peeping in that the door had been left slightly open, which she found odd since Raye-Anne hated any inkling of light at all when she slept. She moved closer, careful not to walk too forcefully on her heels for fear of them waking her before she had a chance to, and opened the door wider than it already was. Feeling rather than hearing the breath leave her lungs, she collapsed to the floor in what felt like slow motion but was probably mere seconds. Nothing could have prepared her for the vision of her daughter laying motionless, not from sleep, but from the affect of a bottle of pills that lay open across the floor. Alex knew with the way she was laying the bottle had undoubtedly fallen from her hand.

After what seemed like an eternity, and with more caution than she felt or thought she had within her at that moment she uncurled herself from her position on the floor, stood up and approached the bed, and the body of the girl she knew so well, but in this instant felt she didn't know at all.

"RAYE! RAYE-ANNE. WHAT THE FUCK?! WAKE UP! YOU NEED TO WAKE UP. BABY, PLEASE, PLEASE WAKE UP." her calmness had left her, and replaced itself with a hysteria beyond anything she knew or experienced. She was out of her own body. It was as if she was willing her screams to be so loud that they penetrate her daughters skin, pleading with them to penetrate her spirit and help her heart to beat again and help her lifeless body live.

She felt nothing as she reached over, checking for a pulse, and complete sorrow overtook her then. In the midst of her pain, her strength and spirit willed her into survival mode. Reaching into her pocket, she grabbed her phone, and dialed the one and only number she would never admit she knew by heart.

"I need your help!"

She was reluctant to get up and go to work. Nobody liked Mondays and she had felt like this one was going to be as mundane as her weekend had. Slowly but steadily, she had willed herself out of bed and into the shower. Letting the scorching hot water pelt her skin to the point of almost burning it, she felt as if the scars of her soul and the pain of her thoughts were being momentarily washed away, out of her life. As if maybe, for a few moments her body was detoxing itself. Allowing herself time to wash all she needed to, she rinsed and stayed under the hot water in one position for a good long time before feeling her body crumple to the floor as sobs escaped her. This was routine and nothing new, yet it amazed and surprised her how she could be so emotional and so numb at the same time. After every incident of shower relief, it was like she came to and was a different person. Like she purged herself of negativity but recollected nothing of the feelings that had gotten her to that dark pit that was probably equivalent to Hell. It left as fast as it had come every single time, and this was no exception.

Momentarily dazed, she stood up slowly, pulling back the shower door and allowing the flushed warm skin of her feet to connect with the cool tile of the bathroom floor. The rest of her body emerged slowly as her foot had, as if she was weighed down by something heavy. Grabbing a towel she had set out for herself she quickly wrapped her body within it and moved in the direction of her bedroom to get ready.

Taking her weapon and her handcuffs and doing a double check to make sure she was ready to lock up her apartment and leave, she felt as if she were missing something. As her eyes adjusted to the dark of her living room, she noticed the LED of her phone blinking, and realized she'd failed to check it all weekend as she'd lazily drifted in and out of alcohol induced slumber on the couch.

"Fuck!" She cursed herself for being so stupid as to neglect something as vital as her phone. To other people it may seem like no big deal, but in both her personal and professional life, it was something she rarely forgot to check or carry on her. Picking it up and flipping it open, she saw that she had several missed calls from Elliot, which made her sigh loudly. He was nothing if not persistent.

Deciding she'd deal with Elliot sooner rather than later since she worked with him, she continued down the list. Texts from Fin, Munch, Melinda; she smiled to herself as she read some of them and frowned as she skimmed over others.

The frown she had on her face while reading a message from Melinda stayed there and she stopped cold as she realized she had failed to see she had a voicemail from Alex Cabot. Her mind went a mile a minute as she went over and over possible scenarios in her head of what the ADA could possibly want, or need from her. Unable to come up with any that were plausable enough outside of her dreams, she put the phone to her ear and listened as a blood curdling scream came through the earpiece.

"I need your help!"

She stared at the phone momentarily before swiftly snapping it shut, grabbing her coat, and running out the door.

**A/N: Duhn duhn duhn! CLIFFHANGER! Don't hate my guts, please! ;) I know I had Olivia and Alex slightly out of character here in some instances, but it's fanfiction so forgive me. Like I said, I'm moving in a few days so not sure when I can or will be able to update again but as soon as I'm reconnected to the internet if I get good feedback from this story I will be sure to continue. Don't be shy to hit me up with reviews, comments, feedback, ideas, anything! Thanks so much for reading! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

** A/N: Thank you so so much to all the wonderful people who read, reviewed, or followed this story. So far it seems to have gotten a very warm response and that makes me incredibly happy! I love seeing reviews, so please don't be shy to leave them. :) This will either be my last or second last update before my big move just so y'all know. I'll post again as soon as I can. **

_If you're reading this, then I guess I'm not here to offer explanation to you. I'm sure you're wondering how or why it could have ever come to this and I don't blame you. You probably think that I'm selfish, and I probably deserve that. I'm sorry you had to find me the way that you did, and I hope you weren't alone. It's not that I didn't love you, because Mommy I swear I did. Please don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. The world is such a mean, scary place, and some people just hurt too much to keep going. I don't want to leave you with more questions, reasons to beat yourself up, so I'll simply say I guess I was one of them. I got beaten down so far that I didn't have the strength or will to get up. Maybe that's one thing I didn't inherit from you, Mom; the fight, the will, the drive. I'm incredibly sorry that I didn't, because you're nothing short of an amazing person. Please don't remember me like this. Don't remember the sadness, angst, hurt and pain and question or wonder why you never saw it. I couldn't even save myself, so nobody could have helped. Don't remember the way that you found me. I don't want you to be haunted by that. Maybe the words I leave behind won't be of any comfort to you, but as I watch over you I hope they do in time. And I will always be watching you, Mom. Always. When you lay down at night, know that I'm always there even if you can't feel me. If you remember anything, remember the happiness. The joy that I had each and every day that I was around you, around my friends. That's what I want you to think of when you see pictures, or hear my name. That's why I hid the sadness and tried to deal on my own for as long as I did. I'm sorry I couldn't fight anymore, for myself or for you. You were my rock in life, and now I promise I'll be your angel in spirit. _

_I love you, Mama._

_Raye-Anne_

It took all Alex had not to break down crying and screaming like a lunatic as she read the letter no parent ever wants to read. She sat in her daughter's room, her things still neat as a pin like they were the week before, and untouched as she went over and over in her head, how the hell this could have happened. After she had found Raye-Anne lifeless and fanatically called Olivia, it had taken the detective a while longer than she would have hoped or liked to get to her. Liv had explained that she had been in the shower and hadn't realized her phone had been blinking with messages until she was moments away from leaving for the precinct. Once she had listened to her message and how desperate she sounded on the other end of the line, she had rushed over as fast as she could. Olivia wasn't quite sure why she had wanted her there or what she could do to help and why she hadn't just called an ambulance and really, Alex wasn't sure either. Maybe she had just wanted a friend instead of dealing alone. It had proved to be a good thing that she had called her, because Alex was too distraught to do anything or think rationally. Liv had called for the ambulance, and they had followed in the squad car. If there was ever a time she was grateful for the detective, it was then. She had used her title to her advantage and pulled every stop, including using the lights on the car in attempt to be noticed and get them there faster.

When they had arrived at the hospital, Alex had explained who they were and the situation, seemingly without taking a breath between her words. Surprisingly, she was understood but there was no sitting and waiting. No explanation that her daughter was in surgery and would be out soon, that she was out of it but stable and in a room waiting to see them, nothing like that. In actuality, what had occurred was worse than anything she had ever seen in movies.

_ Dr. Larenzo had just come out of trying to save a Raye-Anne Cabot who had come in suspected to have overdosed on sleeping medications. The ambulance attendants had done their best on the way to the hospital, but it was looking grim by the time he had gotten to her. They had even explained to him that the mother had stated she had felt no pulse when she had found her and checked for any sign of life. He tried not to be one of those doctors who saw their job as a paycheck. It was more than that to him and he realized wholeheartedly that sometimes the things he dealt with just didn't have happy endings. This was one of those times, and he hated when he had to do this; that he had to be the one to go out and tell whichever loved one was waiting, that he had done everything he could but he was sorry, their child, mother, sister, uncle, brother, or friend, was gone. _

_ Taking a deep breath, he had ventured out into the long corridor to take what he referred to as the Walk of Hell. Seeing a woman at the end of the hall speaking to another member of the hospital staff he knew immediately that this woman was Raye-Anne's mother. It was obvious; their features were almost if not completely identical, and the woman was frantic, no doubt trying to explain the situation and beg for answers about the status of her daughter's health. _

_ Approaching her, he spoke calmly, soothingly, so as not to upset her further. _

_ "Ms. Cabot? I'm Dr. Larenzo. Your daughter has been under my care since she was brought into hospital by ambulance. I promise you that my team and I did everything we could, but Raye-Anne didn't make it. I'm incredibly sorry for your loss and if there's anything we can do please let us know."_

Alex had replayed that horrific scene in her head over and over again. She thanked God that she had called Olivia because she had no composure, and still a week later was lacking the ability to hold herself together. This was something she dealt with every day. The ugly monster of death reared its head every day in her job. She felt compassion and empathy when it happened to other people's children. Many people thought with her being a tough assed bitch of an ADA she didn't have a heart, but this was the furthest thing from the truth. Often, she had been there for her friends during times of loss, or victims families who failed to receive justice in court. It happened to other people's families. Other people's children. Not her own. Never did she think her beloved, beautiful, sweet, smart 15 year old baby would be dead now but nobody ever expected it, right? As the saying goes, you don't know what you have, til it's gone.

She had come home that night after finding out the fate of her baby girl, and cried non stop. Unable to do anything, she had gone and sat in her room, picking up one of Raye's old sweaters and inhaling her scent that was still on the fabric. She hadn't wanted to touch anything, it was her way of preserving her daughter's memory as long as possible.

Now, just a week after her death she sat on her still made bed, and had just read the letter that she hadn't known til that morning that Raye had left behind. In all of the commotion and with her emotions so high she hadn't really looked for any hint of an explanation left behind. Now that she had found it, she wished she hadn't of. She knew in her letter Raye had said that she wanted her to move on, be happy, not remember the sadness. But, that was never going to happen, at least not for a long time. How could she expect her to find any happiness with the cloud of death looming over her, the fact that she took her own life, the fact that she couldn't help her sadness go away, so prominent in the back of her mind? Maybe Raye didn't want Alex to blame herself, but she did. She did, and she would. Mother's are supposed to protect their babies, and she failed to do that. She failed her duty as a parent, so she would always blame herself.

Olivia was worried about Alex. It had been a whole week since she had seen or spoken to the ADA and she was in her thoughts constantly. She knew well enough from being in the profession that she was, that when death happened, everyone dealt with grief differently. It was understandable if she needed some time to process her feelings about what had happened and the aftermath of burying her only child, but it would have been nice to know if she was okay. They weren't friends, really but their profession deemed them family and when one member of the team was hurting, they all were.

"Babe, I'm gonna go to the store and pick up a few things for lunch. You want anything specific?"

Olivia rolled her eyes. Elliot had just emerged from the shower, beads of water dripping down his body and nothing but a towel around his waist.

"Getting ahead of yourself there.. babe." she accentuated the last word so that it was dripping with sarcasm. Elliot knew she hated pet names of any kind, but didn't seem phased by it and used them anyway. "Might wanna put some clothes on first."

"You know you love this look, don't even lie." he smirked as he saw her roll her eyes and scoff from her position on the couch.

"Yeah yeah yeah, whatever. But to answer your question, no. I don't really care what you make for lunch. Pick up whatever you want." She picked up the remote, flipping channels as she spoke, settling on an episode of Maury where a mother had apparently slept with 3 different men and wanted to determine which was the father of her baby.

"Why do you watch that shit?" He crossed the room to grab his shirt that was hanging on the back of the kitchen chair where he'd left it when he took it off the night before.

"Have you seen what I deal with every day? This crap makes me feel better about my life." She stood up and went to the kitchen as Elliot wordlessly went back to his bedroom to put on the rest of his clothes.

Opening the fridge door, she scanned the contents looking for something to drink and stopped when her eyes fell on cans of beer laying on their side on the bottom shelf. Surely El wouldn't notice or care if she took one? She pulled it out of the fridge and popped the tab on the can before taking a long sip. It had been a while since she'd had a drink, and with everything that had gone on in the last week, she felt she was entitled to it.

"What are you doing?" she jumped as the deep gruff voice startled her from her thoughts, and turned to see her boyfriend, fully clothed, looking back at her with concern etched on his face.

"What? Nothing. Just having a beer. I'll replace it if it's that big a deal."

"In the middle of the day? Liv, it's 2:00 in the afternoon." He hadn't said anything up until this point, but he had felt in his gut, that there was something up with her and he was worried.

"Oh El relax, it's nothing. It's just one beer. With everything that's been going on lately, I need it."

He raised an eyebrow and looked at her quizically. "You _need_ it? Olivia what the fuck is up with you lately, huh? You sleep at random hours, and trying to wake you up out of sleep is like trying to nail jello to a wall. It's impossible. You hardly answer your phone, your moods are all over the place and not to mention you've been really distant lately."

She could feel her anger starting to rise at his words. Even if any or all of it were true, what business did he have assuming that anything was "up" with her? Sure, he was her boyfriend, if you could call it that, but she had her own life too, and a right to live it how she wanted to.

"I've been distant? What the hell are you talking about? Alex's daughter just died, yeah, I think I'm gonna be a little distant."

He glared at her. She had a way of deflecting the conversation off of the problems at hand, and it was one of the only things he could think of that he hated about her.

"That's not what I mean, and you know it!"

The rage inside of her was uncontrollable now, and she made no effort to hide it. Getting up in his face, she began yelling louder than he had been.

"No, Elliot, I don't! I don't know it, so enlighten me, please. Please tell me how the fuck you think I've been distant if not for the reason of experiencing the death of our ADA's 15 year old daughter?!"

"You do know! You know that when I make love to you, you're not there. Your mind is somewhere else entirely. You know that when something's bothering you, you tell me you don't wanna talk about it. That you're too tired, or have had a long day or wanna go home, then afterwards you're either sleeping or I see you with a drink in your hand. You know that whenever I try to get hold of you, I never can anymore. You know that you never answer my texts or calls and you know that you shut me out. So please, Olivia, what the _fuck_ is going on?! I love you, and I'm extremely worried about you. Do you even want to be in this relationship anymore?"

She looked down at the ground, anger and sadness welling up inside of her for everything she had gone through, everything she had been feeling, and the events of the last week. Trying to hold back the tears and rage she took a breath and chanced a look back up at him.

"I don't know."

It was funny how three words could hurt a person so much. She saw pain, confusion and undeniable hurt flash through his eyes and across his face then. As much as she didn't know what she felt towards him or where they were headed, he was her partner, and she hated to be the cause of any pain for him.

"You don't know." He said this as a statement more so than a question, and took a moment to gather himself.

"You don't know. Well, you know what Liv? I may not be around when you figure all your shit out." with that, he turned and left his apartment, leaving her in eerie silence, to her own devices.

She sighed and ran her hands over her face as she heard the door slam, realizing what may or may not have just happened between them. Not wanting to be in his apartment alone, she changed into the extra set of clothes she had brought with her, grabbed her coat, keys, and purse before putting on her shoes and leaving.

When she'd gotten home, all she'd wanted to do was sleep. She'd had every intention of taking a shower, changing into pj's and burying herself deeply beneath her comforters til God knew when, but for some reason a piece of the argument between her and Elliot had flashed through her mind about her never answering her phone. Pulling it from the depth of her purse, she'd flipped it open surprised to see that Alex had texted her. She reread the words on the screen multiple times as her eyes ran over them.

_Can I come over for coffee or something? I'd really like to talk. _

_ "I'd really like to talk." _Not that she needed to, but she'd like to. Their stunningly gorgeous ADA had something she needed to talk about and had chosen her, of all people to open up to. As much as she wanted to, she couldn't deny the fluttering feeling in the pit of her stomach as she read the words. She also knew, that she couldn't deny her request.

_Sure, gimmie 'bout 20 mins. Just got home. Need 2 shower & put coffee on._

She'd seen by the time stamp on the message that Alex had sent it a while before, probably during her fight with Elliot. She'd hoped that Alex would still want to come.

Going into the bathroom to get undressed and shower, she'd brought her phone with her, laying it by the edge of the sink not wanting to miss a text if it came. As if reading her mind, Alex had texted back just before she was about to step in the shower.

_Okay, be there soon._

Her heart had fluttered as she'd raced into the shower, taking the quickest one she probably ever had in her life.

Now, they sat in comfortable silence sipping their mugs of coffee, Alex on one side of the couch and Olivia on the other. Not wanting to pressure her to talk, Olivia was okay with just being the friendly presence she assumed Alex needed until she did. Minutes passed, and she was startled when the ADA's voice, even though quiet and pensive, abruptly pulled her from her thoughts.

"It was suicide."

"What?" Olivia said, not quite fully understanding where this conversation was going.

"Raye-Anne. It was suicide. She killed herself. I found a letter she left behind this morning, in her room."

Olivia's heart broke and her stomach flipped. "Oh Alex, I'm so sorry."

"I have it, if you um.. you know.. want to read it." She wouldn't let anyone else, but she for some reason, she trusted Olivia immensely.

"Alex, that's pretty heavy, and a pretty private thing, are you sure?" She felt honored that she was being trusted with the only thing Raye had left behind, but she didn't want to overstep any boundaries. When Alex said nothing but simply nodded wordlessly, she took the folded piece of paper being offered to her.

_If you're reading this, then I guess I'm not here to offer explanation to you. I'm sure you're wondering how or why it could have ever come to this and I don't blame you. You probably think that I'm selfish, and I probably deserve that. I'm sorry you had to find me the way that you did, and I hope you weren't alone. It's not that I didn't love you, because Mommy I swear I did. Please don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. The world is such a mean, scary place, and some people just hurt too much to keep going. I don't want to leave you with more questions, reasons to beat yourself up, so I'll simply say I guess I was one of them. I got beaten down so far that I didn't have the strength or will to get up. Maybe that's one thing I didn't inherit from you, Mom; the fight, the will, the drive. I'm incredibly sorry that I didn't, because you're nothing short of an amazing person. Please don't remember me like this. Don't remember the sadness, angst, hurt and pain and question or wonder why you never saw it. I couldn't even save myself, so nobody could have helped. Don't remember the way that you found me. I don't want you to be haunted by that. Maybe the words I leave behind won't be of any comfort to you, but as I watch over you I hope they do in time. And I will always be watching you, Mom. Always. When you lay down at night, know that I'm always there even if you can't feel me. If you remember anything, remember the happiness. The joy that I had each and every day that I was around you, around my friends. That's what I want you to think of when you see pictures, or hear my name. That's why I hid the sadness and tried to deal on my own for as long as I did. I'm sorry I couldn't fight anymore, for myself or for you. You were my rock in life, and now I promise I'll be your angel in spirit. _

_I love you, Mama._

_Raye-Anne_

Olivia's heart broke even more as her eyes scanned over the piece of paper holding Raye's last words. When she looked up at Alex, she saw tears in the blonde's eyes and pain etched in her delicate features.

"It's obvious that she loved you. She was very special." Olivia had met the young girl a few times, and it was evident to everyone who came into contact with her that she was smart, bubbly, and what a unique and unbreakable bond the two had shared.

Alex looked down at her hands. "Yeah, she was." She sighed deeply, running a pale well manicured hand over her face. "She's up there watchin' with her Dad now."

Olivia was silent. As long as she had known Alex, she had never mentioned a boyfriend, husband, or Raye-Anne's father. Almost sensing what was going on in her head, Alex spoke again.

"He died in a car accident the night I found out I was pregnant. We had gotten into a fight, I had every intention of breaking things off with him. Things got pretty heated and I never had the chance to tell him before he stormed out of my house. The roads were bad because of the weather that night. He was a good driver so I wasn't worried. I assumed things would cool off and he'd call me when he got home and I'd tell him then." She took a breath, willing herself to continue. "He was hit by a drunk driver, and died almost instantly. That call was one of the worst I've ever received, and I always wondered if he knew that even though I wasn't in love with him I cared. I wondered if he knew about her her whole life. Now they can at least be together."

Olivia sat in stunned silence. Never before had their ADA opened up this much to her or probably anyone, and she never would have guessed that she'd gone through this much. When she found her voice again, she said what she'd said so many times that week, but couldn't find strength or insight enough to say much else. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"I know, but Al I still care, you know that don't you? It may not be anyone's fault, but we all still care."

Alex smiled weakly. "Thanks."

The two ladies sat in comfortable, companionable silence for a long time until Alex managed to pull herself from her thoughts and find her voice.

"She sang, you know." She didn't know why she was telling Olivia any of this. She knew she cared, but she was sure the last thing the detective wanted or needed was her sitting in her living room being a sap, spewing random recounts of her deceased daughter's life out of her mouth.

Olivia was intrigued. She'd had no idea that the 15 year old had any musical talent whatsoever. She had never spoken of it, and the fact that she now knew led her to believe she was probably humble and shy, and this thought led her to wonder if Alex herself had a voice. That would undoubtedly be beautiful to hear if she did.

"Really? She never told me that."

"Yeah, she was pretty quiet about it. Not the bragging type." She smiled at how comfortable the conversation seemed to be between the two of them. Olivia didn't push her to talk, and gave her her full attention when she chose to. "I was going through the videos I had saved on my phone this morning and found this one." She pulled up the video, and handed her phone over to the brunette who proceeded to play it. She smiled, and was brought back in time when the sound of her daughter's voice, pure and raw with emotion, no distraction of music behind it, filled her ears.

Olivia sat, mesmerized by the voice coming from this young girl who sounded so much older than her years. She realized then, that she probably had to deal with pain that nobody should have to, and it saddened her. It saddened her to know that the world, that they, the people closest to her had failed to protect her. That was there job, and they hadn't done it. She blamed herself just as much as Alex probably did.

The video faded, and a smiling Raye-Anne lingered on the screen for a few seconds before it went black. It was then that Olivia realized that Alex hadn't been able to hold it together anymore. She laid her phone on the coffee table in front of her and felt helpless as she saw the liquid pain pouring from her friends eyes.

"What am I supposed to do, Liv? What do I do without my baby? Why didn't people love her enough? Why isn't she still here."

"I don't know honey. I really don't know." She said softly as she pulled the blonde close to her, stroking her hair. She let her situate herself so that her head was in her lap, and against her better judgement, leaned down and placed a lingering and passionate kiss to her lips.

**A/N: Thanks so much for reading. I will update ASAP I promise. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

** A/N: Oh look, I managed to squeeze in another chapter for my lovely readers! ;) I'm on a roll, so I'm going with it. Thank you once again for all the reviews, favourites and follows. It truly means a lot to me. You guys are what make me keep posting. I know the first couple of chapters have been quite heavy and deep, but there will be some fluff and happiness in here as time goes on I swear. So, if you stick it out with me in between the angst and the gaps in updating I'm incredibly thankful! **

He put his drink down and struggled to hold his emotions inside as he heard the pain filled chorus and a woman's angelic voice pour through the speakers. It was ironic to him that he had hounded Liv about her drinking habits, yet here he was drowning his sorrows in alcoholic poison. Hating to be an emotional person, he was pissed at himself for being unable to keep his feelings in check the last few weeks. Despite what Olivia or anyone else may think, he really truly loved her. Hell, he was _in love _with her. No matter what he did, he felt she had and probably would always be blind to that fact. The fight that had occurred between the two of them not more than a month prior had never left his mind and despite his efforts to try and help them reach an understanding he really still was uncertain of where their relationship stood. She had said she didn't know if she wanted to be in a relationship anymore; he wasn't even sure of her feelings or if she actually loved him, but they were still having sex on occasion. Even if he felt her mind was somewhere else during their intimate encounters, they meant a lot to him and he did his best to make her feel as loved and cherished as he could.

Alex smiled to herself as she cranked up the car stereo, singing along to her beloved Spanish idol as she drove. She loved this song, and many people were surprised if and when they found out she could actually sing, and she actually spoke fluent Spanish. She figured both of those abilities had been passed down to Raye-Anne from her. It had been about a month, give or take, since her beloved baby's passing and her heart sunk a little realizing this. She was slowly getting better, stronger, but she knew she'd never get over it. You never get over something like that. There were times, much like this one now singing and smiling in the car, that she found herself feeling incredibly guilty for being happy. How was she supposed to be happy, when Raye wasn't there to share in the laughter and joy with her? She knew in her heart of hearts that like her final letter had stated, her daughter had left the world with the dying wish that she be remembered fondly and happy; that her mother move on and be happy, carrying her spirit in her heart, but at the same time the mind and heart presented conflicting feelings from day to day. She had a long way to go. If nothing else, she was thankful that today, and a few before it, had been good ones.

As she continued to sing along to the song playing on the radio, the beauty of the Spanish language rolling off her tongue and her vocal chords humming to life deep within her, it dawned on her that this song, reminded her a lot of Olivia. She blushed at the thought. The song spoke of _Amor Prohibido, Forbidden Love, _between two people from different societies and how the world looked down on them, but they didn't care. About money, status, family opinions, nothing. The only thing important, was their love. Did she love the brown haired, brown eyed detective? This was something she questioned a lot and wrestled with ever since weeks ago when she'd kissed her at her apartment. She'd tried to brush it off as her being overly comforting to her in a time of need, but she couldn't deny that she had felt something. More than a little something. It was like after pulling away from her-even though the kiss was far from sloppy, it definitely wasn't chaste and after it was over she felt as if her lips were on fire. Never before had anyone made her feel like that from so little physical contact. Liv had apologized profusely after they had broken apart, saying she wasn't sure what had come over her, but Alex could and would never be sorry for the interaction. Even if she was unsure of her feelings, or if there was anything real there, she secretly hoped that more times like that would occur between the two.

Olivia sat at the precinct, agitated and buried in paperwork. A minor injury to her shoulder while trying to catch and arrest a perp had led to week long desk duty at Cragen's orders, and she was going mad. If there was one thing she hated more than being unable to help victim's receive justice it was being bogged down with paperwork instead of out on the field. Desk duty gave her too much time in her own head, and she detested being trapped with her own thoughts for too long. It went without saying that most of the thoughts she was trapped with were of their blonde ADA and what they had shared in her apartment weeks ago. Still today looking back on it, she didn't know what had come over her. Alex had shrugged it off and played like everything was fine, but her stomach did somersaults when she thought about the possibility that she had potentially ruined what little friendship they'd managed to forge. She wanted to see her again, and despite the fact that their relationship was not a deep one, it meant a lot to her. Shaking her head and picking up her pen, she tried again to focus on the papers in front of her. Why was she thinking like this? Where was her head lately? She needed to sort things out with Elliot, didn't she? They had something, it was worth fighting for, wasn't it? Didn't she need him, need to confront him and what had happened between them? Things couldn't remain awkward between them at work forever. She sighed. One thing was for certain, before she did anything, figured any of the shit out that was a muddled mess in her brain, she needed a drink.

Alex pulled up to the one six, all the way there wracking her brain attempting to come up with an excuse as to why she needed to see Olivia and chiding herself when she came up with nothing believable. Sighing, she got out of the car and walked inside, figuring she'd just have to roll with it.

Cragen saw Alex enter, and peeking his head out of his office she smiled at him.

"Hi Don. Is Olivia around? I need to have a word with her."

"Actually, she left early. About 20 minutes ago. Said she wasn't feeling well."

Hearing his words, the blonde began to worry. Olivia never left early or took sick leave unless absolutely necessary. She was married to her job, and neglecting it was worse in her mind than neglecting a romantic relationship.

"Oh. Is she okay? Did she say what was wrong or if she was going straight home?"

The older man looked quizzically at the blonde, as far as he knew, the ADA and his top detective weren't extremely close. But he chalked it up to her being an overly concerned friend.

"She seemed okay when she left. Nothing serious that I noticed. Probably just overworked and a bit of a bug running her down. Happens to the best of us. As for her going straight home, she didn't say but I would assume that's where she was headed since she didn't seem seriously ill enough to go to the hospital."

Hearing his words brought her some relief. She was happy to know the detective wasn't in dire straits and seemed to be generally okay.

"Alright, well thank you. I should get going, but I'm sure I'll see you again this week. Have a good rest of your shift."

He smiled warmly at her. Despite her being one of the toughest ADA's around, he and the rest of his team could see and knew that she had one of the biggest hearts around, and contrary to what many thought at first glance or impression, she was really friendly with people.

"Thank you Alex."

Olivia had gotten home, her head pounding, more than likely from over thinking and stress. She'd had every intention in pouring some wine, and drifting off into alcohol induced slumber, but as they say, life happens when you're making plans. This was especially true for her. Nothing ever went according to plan in her life, and she'd given up hoping that it would. Instead of pouring a drink and going to bed like she so desperately wanted to in hopes of forgetting her problems, she was shocked when she realized one of said problems, in the form of her so called boyfriend, was in her apartment. Cooking. Using her stove and her things and making them dinner. No doubt in an effort to smooth things over between the two of them. She'd known them giving each other copies of their keys to the others' apartment was a bad idea. At this moment, as bad as she felt saying so, she regretted it immensely. The energy and desire was not in her to fight or confront him about the issues between them.

"I'm in the kitchen!" He called to her, realizing she had come in.

The brunette rolled her eyes. _No shit sherlock._ She thought to herself. Did he think she was so stupid that she couldn't hear the noise he was making, not to mention smell the food, and realize he was there? Hell, she was a detective, it wasn't hard to put two and two together.

"I know."

She walked into the kitchen, tossing her purse on the table, internally willing herself to be nice. Her will apparently failed her, because the tone that came out was far from being classified as nice.

"What're you doing here?"

He tried to hide the hurt he felt at the harshness of her question, and he guessed he was successful at it because it didn't seem to phase her.

"What does it look like I'm doing here? I'm making us dinner. We have to talk sometime, and we can't put it off much longer."

He took the food off the stove and dished up their plates in silence. After setting their dinner back on the table, Olivia sat and he followed her lead. As much as she hated to admit it, he was right, they did need to talk, if not for the sake of themselves, then for preserving their work relationship. Not having the energy in her to fight or go against him, she figured she'd try to let this go smoothly and keep her attitude and emotions in check.

"Alright El, what do you need to say?"

"What do I need to say? You're the one who got in my face and told me you didn't know if you even wanted me anymore. You don't have anything to say first?"

As much as she knew he had a point about her getting angry and what she had said, she really did feel justified in her feelings and didn't feel a need or desire to speak first. When he realized his questions were going to be met with nothing but silence from her, he took it upon himself to speak.

"Liv, I love you. I've loved you for a long time. You telling me you didn't want me or weren't sure if you did, really hurt. I won't wait around while you leave me hanging in the balance. We're either gonna work this out or we're not."

Looking into his eyes, seeing so much hope and so much pain in them at the same time, she knew she couldn't be the cause of anymore of that for him, so she looked him straight in the face and uttered words that she knew within the deepest parts of herself could never be one hundred percent true.

"Yeah. Yeah El, we're gonna work it out. We'll be fine."

They had talked for a couple more hours after finishing their food, Elliot trying to iron out things between them and fix their relationship, Liv half listening but not really present. She had cleaned up the dishes after he'd left for home, and was once again lost in her own head when she heard a knock at her front door.

Stepping up and looking out through the peephole, she was shocked at who she saw standing on the other side, but granted them access.

"Alex." Olivia stated unable to hide the shock from her voice.

"Hi Liv. Can I come in?"

Stepping aside, she wordlessly granted her access and watched the blonde enter, taking a seat on her couch.

"Don said you left early today. Are you sick? I was worried."

Olivia froze. Alex was worried about her? The thought warmed her insides slightly, weird as that may have been.

"Nah, I'm fine. Was just run down is all." She smiled reassuringly at the blonde, looking into her eyes and finding herself getting lost in them. She had left out the part about Elliot being there when she'd gotten home and their conversation, but right at that second it didn't seem relevant.

"Oh, well. That's good I suppose. I'm glad you're okay."

_I'm glad you're okay. _How could four words do so much to her insides?

"Yeah. How about you? How are you doing?" She was genuinely concerned. She knew the ADA was strong, but she also knew she had suffered incredible loss and hid her feelings well.

"I'm alright. It's day by day." She couldn't and didn't want to hide the truth from the detective. It would probably be evident she was lying by omission if she did.

"Good, I'm glad."

Somehow, after that statement the conversation became lulled and things between them felt stiff, if not awkward. Not wanting to prolong the misery, Alex took it upon herself to leave.

"Well, I should um.. I should be going. I'm happy you're alright."

As much as the silence was bothering her, she didn't want her to go.

"Alex wait."

She moved from her spot near the door where she had been standing the whole time, until she was just inches from the blonde beauty's face. She could feel the heat of her breath, and it made her knees go weak. She was surprised she was still standing.

"Liv, what is it?"

Unable to find words, her heart won out over her head. She closed what little space there was between them, and pressed her lips tight against hers, fireworks exploding in the pit of her stomach as she fought to be granted the privilege to explore the woman's mouth with her tongue. Almost as if she could read her mind and what her body wanted and needed, Alex allowed it. Although unsure of where the brunette's sudden burst of sexual energy was coming from, she could never stop it. This fact was cemented further when Olivia slid her hands up her shirt, her fingers connecting with her skin, instantly leaving goosebumps where they'd been.

As if being filled with some massive amount of bravery and all her hesitations falling away, the brunette took control and in decision to live in the moment, pushed her gently back over and onto the couch, straddling her and fiddling with the buttons on the front of her shirt. Finally getting them open, she allowed the fabric to fall away from her skin and admired the shape and beauty of her breasts, cupping them through the fabric of her bra. Alex arched into her touch as a slight moan escaped her throat.

As quickly as it had begun, something clicked within Olivia's mind and she pulled back.

"Alex, we.. we can't.. we need to stop."

The blonde looked up at her, want still apparent in her eyes and on her face. She wasn't sure what it was that had made the detective's mood shift so quickly but looking at her, she was almost sure she saw fear in confusion in the depths of her chocolate eyes. As much as she wanted this, she wouldn't, couldn't pressure her.

Allowing the older woman to climb off of her and stand up, she sat and redid her shirt, fixed her hair best she could by running her fingers through it and cleared her throat trying not to appear flustered but thinking the attempt had miserably failed.

She stood, going back to her professional self.

"Well detective, I should be going." She walked out the door without a second look and despite what had just transpired and all the conflict she felt, Liv couldn't help but steal a glance at her perfectly pert and firm ass.

She was unable to move after the blonde's departure. What the fuck was going on with her these days? She barely knew herself.

Days later, Olivia reluctantly made her way to Huang's office. She hated talking to people about her feelings, especially shrinks. But she had spent all of days prior and the whole trip over convincing herself that she needed to do this. She couldn't be a coward and back out now. Knocking on the door, her palms began to sweat.

"Detective Benson." Huang's surprise to see her there was evident. "What can I do for you?"

"I need to talk to you. Can I.. come in?"

"Of course." He granted her access and she wordlessly took a seat on the couch. There was an awkward moment until he shut the door and turned to her.

"Why are you here, Olivia?"

She sighed, looking up from fiddling with the hem of her shirt. She hated tension, awkwardness, and wasn't one to beat around the bush. She wanted to be out with it, free of the burden preventing her from living her truth by staying locked inside her soul.

"I... well.. I think I'm.. I think.. I'm gay."

**A/N: Not all of this chapter went as I had originally planned it in my head, but I went with it. I hope you enjoyed and it was up to par. As always, read, follow, favorite, review. Thanks for the support. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

** A/N: Like I said in the last chapter, I've been on a roll, so you lovelies are getting yet another update before my move. Was not expecting this story to flow as freely from me as it has been but I couldn't be happier about it. You all put a smile on my face with your interest in this story. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. :)**

Huang looked at her, doing a very good job of hiding the shock on his face at her confession. It didn't bother him in the slightest, he just hadn't been expecting that from the detective.

"You think?"

She cast her gaze downward, hating the way he was looking at her and fearing that he could see straight through her soul.

"Well, yeah. I mean, I've always thought certain women were pretty, checked them out, had little crushes while dating men, but everyone has that don't they?"

"If everyone has those thoughts and feelings on some scale from time to time, then what makes you think that you are in fact gay, detective?"

Olivia ran her fingers through her hair. As much as she had nothing against Huang, she hated talking to therapists.

"I don't know." She knew she'd have to say more than that eventually, if she ever wanted to deal with this.

"I think you do." He looked at her seriously. "Olivia I don't know you as well as the rest of the team, but I have heard through the grapevine and do know that you tend to bottle up feelings and hide emotions. Maybe you don't trust people easily, but I assure you whatever you tell me will stay between us, and you can talk to me. It's what I do and what I'm here for."

Despite her hesitations, she did know she could talk to him and she felt like he genuinely cared about her well being. Taking a deep breath, she decided to begin the process of opening her heart and freeing herself.

"It's Alex." She was unable to look him in the eyes.

"Alex?" He was genuinely intrigued as to where the blonde ADA fit into the equation.

"You asked me how if every female had feelings of attraction and slight crushes towards other women at some point in life, how I felt or knew that I am in fact gay. My response to that is Alex. I have, like I said, previously entertained the thought of being with other women, thinking they were attractive or chasing tail a little bit. But in the back of my mind I think part of me figured it was something I'd just get over or wanted to will it away. Until Alex came into the picture."

"The picture?" He raised an eyebrow.

"The one six. When she joined the team, I knew there was something different about her. I was drawn to her."

"Why?"

"Have you seen her?! Her response was dripping with sarcasm.

He smirked. "In case you're forgetting, detective, I am an openly gay man."

"Right."

"Seriously though, was her physicality the only thing that drew you to her?"

"No, not at all." She smiled slightly thinking about all of the things that she found attractive about the blonde. "She's driven like nobody I've ever met or known, persistent, and incredibly level-headed and smart."

"So if you know all of this within yourself, and you are able to very well articulate to me how you feel about her, why are you hesitant to admit your sexuality? More importantly, why haven't you told her any of this?"

Olivia suddenly felt herself becoming unnecessarily defensive. "Well because, I don't know if she feels the same, if she's even gay. She had a boyfriend years ago. She's out of my league. I've been in a relationship of sorts with detective Stabler for a while, and me having these feelings for one woman doesn't automatically mean I should slap a label on myself, does it?"

"Well, no. But sometimes it takes the right kind of person to break us out of our shell and make us realize what we've wanted and been missing all along. You want to enlighten me as to the relationship you have with Stabler?"

"Not particularly." She was beginning to feel like she'd already said way too much."

"I think you should. I'm sensing there's more to this than what you've told me."

"I'm sensing you need to back off."

"Look Liv, I'm not gonna make you talk, but you're not stupid. You know if you don't talk it's all going to become too much eventually."

As much as she hated him for being right, she knew he was. She inhaled, then let the breath out before speaking again.

"We've been having sex."

"That's it?"

"Yes. No.. I don't know."

"Take your time."

Heeding his advice, she took a few moments to collect herself.

"He's in love with me and I know it. Until talking to you, I hadn't and didn't know how to put a voice to my feelings to myself, let alone to anyone else. Having a friends with benefits kind of thing with him has been my way of giving him what he wants, while willing to ignore my own heart and what I need. I've always known he loves and cares deeply for me. He wouldn't let up so I finally gave in. He thinks it's more than what I feel it is. I don't want to hurt him."

"And leading him on, lying by omission, that's not hurting him?"

"Probably."

"But you don't care?"

She suddenly felt drained and overwhelmed by the heaviness of this conversation and where she sensed it headed.

"I can't do this."

"No problem. We'll stop. Like I said, I'm not gonna make you talk. You know you can come back anytime."

"Thank you."

Even though she held back more with Huang than she probably should have, even after their half-assed therapy session, she knew what she had to do and she dreaded it. Heading out of his office she figured it was now or never.

She let herself into his apartment without knocking, knowing he was there. To some this may have seemed invasive or creepy, but she simply didn't want to put either of them through the small talk and introduction bullshit. Especially knowing that he now thought everything was on the mend between them, and she knew she had outright lied to him.

"El?" she called out. "You home? We need to talk."

"Yeah I'm here." He said from his spot on the couch.

"Good." She removed her coat, hanging it, and sat down beside him on the couch, turning the tv off so she had his full attention before turning to face him.

"Listen. I had a conversation with someone today, and they really helped me realize something, and it's time I brought it up. I've been lying to you."

His stomach flipped at her last sentence. All the times he'd thought something was up came flooding back to the forefront of his mind as he waited, hoping his silence would will her to continue and put him out of the misery he was feeling.

"I said we were gonna work it out, that we'd be fine. Elliot that wasn't true, isn't true and will never be true and I'm sorry. We'll never be the kind of fine I know you want us to, because I can't love you, I don't. Not how I should, if we're trying for the relationship I know you've always wanted. You deserve something I can't give you. I'm gay."

Groaning inwardly, she motioned to the bartender for another drink. What the hell was it with songs that fit how she was feeling to a T coming on at the worst possible times. It seemed to be something that happened to her often, making her more emotional, and she hated it.

Even more than songs never failing to describe her emotions when she didn't want them to, than the fact said song now coming through bar speakers reminded her of their blonde bombshell ADA, she hated more than all of that what she had done to Elliot, and she had nobody but herself to blame for it.

Their conversation had become intense after she'd revealed to him that she was gay. Him being his thickheaded self, he made every attempt to deny her of her truth and shoot down her feelings, begging that they work it out and find a way to be together. She'd left the part about her feelings for Alex out of the equation, feeling it to irrelevant for the moment. All she could do was profusely apologize, not let herself be manipulated, and remove herself from the situation, which is what she had done. All the apology in the world though, didn't change the fact that she still had to work with him. Also, she still had to forgive herself. The latter was going to be a harder feat than she'd anticipated. As for work, maybe she'd request a new partner, she didn't know. All she knew right now, was that she had booze in front of her. Liquid sanity, and she wasn't going to let it be wasted.

Alex was walking down the street when she stopped cold, thinking she was seeing things and her mind was tricking her. Doing a double take she realized that it was in fact their top detective at the bar. She found this odd. She'd never known Olivia to be a drinker. Knowing a little bit about her upbringing, she never thought she would entertain the thought of being anything like Serena Benson had been. Her curiosity got the best of her, and she pulled herself from the window before someone realized she was peeping in, and walked inside.

"Liv?" she said as she approached her, unable to see anything but the brunette's slumped form from behind. As she inched closer, she could see she was undeniably tipsy, if not drunk.

"You know her?" the middle aged man at the bar asked her.

"I work with her."

"Take her home." He stated as he shook his head at the sad state she was in. He saw way too much of this, and told himself every shift he needed a new job.

"I will." She got right close to the older woman, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Liv? I'm gonna take you home, okay? You can't drive." She looked to the bartender. "I'll call us a cab."

"Sure. I'll take care of it. No worries." He smiled a genuine and warm smile at her.

"Thanks. Come on Liv." She turned her attention back to the detective, and was about to help her step down from the bar stool and steady herself on the ground, when she turned in the seat and looked deep into her crystal eyes.

"I love you."

**A/N: Thank you all so much for the wonderful response to this story. I love y'all. New update coming ASAP, swear! **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thank you all so much for the amazing response to this story! It makes me so happy to see and know that people are into it. I do write a lot but rarely do I share, so the love you all have given me with this story is definitely incentive to keep going. I love and appreciate all the sweet reviews and support. I checked this morning and as of now this story has 990 views. So crazy! So thank you, thank you, thank you everyone. I received a review on one of my chapters from a user asking where Elliot's wife and kids were. I did mention in brief passing somewhere in the first or second chapter that he had been "messed up" since getting a divorce from Kathy and Olivia was the only one who for him had been able to bring him out of the misery and give him hope. So they are divorced, and presumably the kids are with his ex wife by default. There may be a little bit more back story on what happened between Kathy and Elliot later now that it's established that Olivia came out to him and ended what they had, but as it stands at the moment, they're divorced and kids are with her. I hope everyone enjoys this chapter! :)**

Alex looked at Olivia in stunned silence for a few moments, before realizing it was probably just the alcohol in her talking.

"You love me? Liv, you're drunk. Come on. Let me help you down off this bar stool so we can go home."

Olivia stayed in her spot, not breaking her eye contact with the blonde and making no attempt to move.

"Not _that _drunk. And I meant what I said, I love you." Even though the brunette's words were slurred, she did seem to be aware of her surroundings, which led a part of Alex to believe, and maybe even another little part to hope, that there was truth to what she was saying.

"Okay, well whatever it is you're feeling right now, you've been drinking and I need to get you home. Let's go." She extended her hand to the older woman, helping her step down from the stool and walk out to the cab the bartender had called that was now waiting.

Helping Olivia in, she climbed inside next to her, positioning her body so she was close, but not too close for comfort and gave the driver the address to the detective's apartment. The ride there was surprisingly quiet and Alex was slightly shocked realizing that Olivia wasn't a loud boisterous drunk. The way she was at work and during interrogations led her to assume she would have been, but it was quite the contrary. Liv didn't say a word to her about her confession at the bar, or about much of anything else. By the time they reached her building, she was almost falling asleep and Alex had to gently shake her out of her half slumber.

"We're home." she smiled warmly as the detective slowly came back to reality and let herself out of the car to go around and help her out.

"I've got it. I'm okay." The drive and the fresh air going to and from the cab had sobered her up slightly and she felt steady and strong enough that she didn't need the ADA to help her up the steps.

Once inside, Olivia put her purse on the table and hung up her coat, Alex standing off to the side as she did so.

"I'm gonna draw you a bath Liv. I'll do that and you get ready. You need to sober up and relax." She surprised herself by speaking with confidence, and leaving no room for discussion. The attorney in her was definitely shining through in the moment, because she spoke with more conviction and confidence than she felt.

"Okay." Olivia said without hesitation. She didn't have the energy to argue. The alcohol had put a bit of a fog over her mind, and she couldn't deny the blonde when her brown eyes connected with those stunning crystal blue ones. Going into her bedroom after Alex had retreated to run said bath, the brunette began stripping herself of her clothes. As she did so, she felt like something inside of her shifted, a weight had been lifted. As if clinging to her clothes was the heaviness of that day and in removing them, she was removing herself from it.

She wrapped herself tightly in a towel, and headed into the bathroom. The water was still running, and Alex was moving the palm of her hand across the liquid that had already pooled in the tub, causing the liquid soap she'd previously poured in to form mass amounts of bubbles.

"Mm, it smells nice in here."

"That would be the bubble bath. You have good tastes, detective. Who'd 'a thunk?" She smiled warmly as she raised her hand out of the bath water. "Nice and warm. I'll get out of your way and leave you to it.

She stood up to pass Olivia and shut the door behind her, and almost didn't hear the one word that made her heart flutter and her palms sweat.

"Stay."

She understood Alex was trying to be polite and decent by letting her disrobe and bathe in privacy, but despite the fact that she really didn't yet have any solid proof of the blonde's feelings toward her, if there were any, something inside of he really wanted her with her. Wanted her to see her in her most private and vulnerable moments. She couldn't say that about anyone else, and as much as it scared her it also excited her.

"Are you sure?" Everything in her head was telling her staying wasn't a good idea, but everything in her heat was screaming for her to just do what the other woman wanted.

"Positive."

Olivia opened her towel and let it fall to the floor, and Alex's breath caught in her throat. She had the most beautiful body Alex had ever seen. From her beautiful full breasts to her curvacious hips to her toned legs, the ADA thought she was nothing short of perfection. There had been many times she'd lain awake at night, or daydreamed about seeing the body in front of her in full, but never had she expected it to be like this. It exceeded her highest expectations, and left her with very little moisture in her mouth.

As Olivia stepped into the bath, her nakedness was replaced by the modesty the bubbles provided. She sank down into the tub, closing her eyes in comfortable silence until Alex spoke.

"You're beautiful."

She blushed at the compliment. Not many people had told her that in her life, but even without opening her eyes, she knew that Alex was being sincere.

"Thank you." she said softly, "That's sweet."

"It's the truth." Minutes ticked by, before she found her voice again and asked the question that had been in her head since Liv had disrobed in front of her. "Why did you want me in here with you?"

The older woman thought a moment, in some ways trying to form an answer herself. Alex thought she'd fallen asleep, until she opened her eyes and they locked with her gaze. "To talk. I want to know you."

Alex smiled to herself at the older woman's confession. "What would you like to know, detective?"

"Whatever you'd like to tell." She wanted to soak in any piece of information the blonde was willing to give her. Sitting in more of an upright position in the water, she motioned for Alex to sit on the side of the tub. The younger woman rose from her position on the lid of the toilet, and obliged her request.

"Well, you probably know the back story attached to my name. People aren't quiet or in the dark about the fact my family has money."

"Does that ever bother you? That the first thing people know or hear about you is that you're from a well-to-do family?"

"All the time. I'm really not like any of them. I don't get along with too much of my family and it's sad. They all throw the Cabot name around like it's golden, but me, I don't care. Money doesn't sustain me emotionally. There's more importantly things to me than status and wealth, even than my job. Since Raye-Anne died I'm realizing even though I'm not as bad as they are with letting work and money consume them, I was still walking around sleeping."

She saw pain cross her face and it made her sad. Even with just this brief bit of information about her, she could tell Alexandra Cabot was a beautiful person. She had a feeling the hard ass she played in court was just a front.

"What do you mean?"

"I loved my daughter, and she loved me. We were friends, but I didn't listen to her. I was married to my job. I didn't spend enough time sitting down to dinner, just the two of us and asking about her day. I wasn't there every night, helping with homework. I put a lot of cases in the forefront of my life, and victims I didn't even know made me lose my focus on the one who was probably feeling just as much a victim at home. I didn't take enough weekends off to do what she wanted and needed to do. She was so independent, that I forgot to see that she still needed me. There's no concrete reason I can think of as to why she killed herself, but it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth knowing that because I wasn't there making anything better I was part of the problem and I will always blame myself for that. I'll blame myself for the fact I didn't do enough, and I lost my heart and soul for reasons I'll never completely understand."

_The bus pulled up to her stop and she walked the few steps to the front door of the house, letting herself inside. Having had to have used her key to get in, she realized that her Mom was probably working late again and finding the house empty she knew her realization was correct. She walked through to the kitchen and scanned her eyes over the contents of the fridge and then the freezer. Pulling out a single serving container of ice cream, she grabbed a spoon and sat, savouring the coolness of the treat in her mouth for a few minutes before swallowing. She just wanted to forget the events of today. Actually, she realized now that she said that almost every day. Not the type of person who wanted to be seen being vulnerable or weak, and not wanting to wallow in her own self pity, she decided that she was going to run a bath, and sit there until all of her negativity and sadness was washed from her._

_ The bath was soothing, in the sense that it made her mind relax and lulled her to sleep. In her dreams however, she was reminded of a part of her life she wanted to erase from her psyche. _

_ "She's such a stuck up little bitch." _

_ "Pfft, I know right?! What the hell was up with eyeing up Trevor today? Everyone knows that Sara likes him, and you don't mess with Sara. She gets what she wants." _

_ "She's probably sleeping with him, and the rest of the team too."_

_ "HAHA. She's too ugly. I'm sure he wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole."_

_ "True, can you imagine if he knocked her up?!"_

_ "I would pity that poor kid. And him too for being stuck with her."_

_ "I know. She thinks she knows everything."_

_ "Her family has money you know. She probably gets everything she wants. That's why she acts so much better than everyone. And the teachers favor her, I swear."_

_ "I hear that."_

_ "I invited her to that party last weekend right? And she asks for the address, so I give it to her, but it wasn't the right one. She believed me and showed up and nobody was there. Tasha said the look on her face when she got there was fucking hilarious. As if we were gonna ask her to come."_

_ "What an idiot. That actually happened? I heard, but I wasn't sure."_

_ "Oh it happened."_

_ The girls left the bathroom, their laughter bouncing off the wall as they went. When she was sure no one else was in there, she moved from her spot on the toilet opening the stall door, and splashing water over her face when she reached the sink. The words she had heard stung, but she'd become so accustomed to it, she'd learned not to cry. At least not at school. She did have friends, but despite the fact a select few cared about her, and just about everybody knew who she was, nobody was around long enough or often enough for her inner turmoil to really subside. Home was a different story and sometimes not all that much better than school. Her Mom worked a lot. After school, being left to her own thoughts made her crazy. She loved her Mom, and even though on some level she knew she cared deeply for her, she couldn't help but question it sometimes. Her mom wasn't neglectful, or a bad person, she would never think that. Raye-Anne pretty much had to want for nothing and was well taken care of. Her mother told her she loved her all of the time. They laughed together, had some good moments, but when it came down to it she wondered if her Mom's job and the victims she dealt with there, were more important than her. The moments she had with her were usually great, but were few and far between and during the gaps of those times, Raye often felt as if she barely had any connection to her._

_ Many people if they heard her situation would say just talk to her. Tell her what's been going on. But she couldn't do that. She may have been well known at school, she pasted a smile on her face and did what she could for everyone. Got the grades, planned the future, but she was stuck in herself and could never open up. She couldn't burden her mother with everything inside of her when she knew she had her own burdens. Even if they had money, being a single parent wasn't easy. Even though she always said differently, Raye knew that her mom wished her father hadn't died in that accident. Sometimes, she wished it too. Maybe then her whole life would be different. Maybe Daddy would have understood her. _

The conversation in the tiny bathroom had gone from Raye Anne, to Alex's life, to Olivia's, to nothing in particular, and back again. Olivia had offered her hand to the blonde sitting by her head on the side of the tub more than once when she'd gotten emotional, and she was now still holding it, even though she didn't seem to need it.

"Water's getting cold."

"Is it?" The blonde dipped her free hand in halfway, as if to test the older woman's statement. "Oh yeah, it is. You should get out. We don't want you getting sick, detective."

Olivia smiled. "I don't wanna move."

"You'll be saying that even more if you get sick and can't get out of bed. Come on. I'll help you." She stood up from her position on the edge of the bath, turning to face the brunette and gave a hand, pulling her to her feet and assisting her in stepping out. Grabbing a fresh towel from the towel rack on the wall, she wrapped it tightly around Olivia, the tips of her fingers tingling as they made brief contact with her skin.

Wordlessly, Olivia let Alex wrap her in the dry towel, her mind wandering to what else she'd like to have her do if she could. Leaving the bathroom she headed for her bedroom to change into comfy clothes, and was slightly disapointed when the blonde didn't follow. As if reading her mind, she spoke.

"I'm just outside the door. Tell me when you're finished."

The statement caused emotion to well up inside her and her throat constricted. As much as she wanted Alex to see her at her best and worst, to give her everything and hope that that was enough, the fact that she was willing to wait while she dressed and respected her enough not to overstep boundaries, made her fall for her even more.

She finished changing and crawled into bed under the covers, pulling them up to her chin.

"Done." she called out, and the ADA entered her room, smiling when she saw Olivia all bundled up in the blankets.

"Lay with me?"

"Sure." She made her way to the opposite side of Olivia and layed down, snuggling her body close to her under the covers. She turned so she was looking her in the eyes, and felt Olivia run her fingers through her hair.

"I may have been drinking, but I meant every word when I told you that I love you."

She teared up. "I know you did. But Liv, listen.."

Olivia pulled back slightly. "You're not gay. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

"No, it's not that." she pulled her back closer. "I'm gay. I'm not out, but I am gay. I just... with Raye-Anne and everything that happened, I'm not the same person I used to be. I'm broken, Olivia. I'm not ready for all of this yet. The feelings I have for you and how they overwhelm me. A relationship, any of it. It's all just too much for me."

"Oh."

"But.. I don't want to lose something great. I need you. I want you and I need you. I need you to wait for me. Can you do that?"

A single tear escaped Olivia's eye and made its way down her cheek as she pulled the blonde to her and kissed her chastely on the lips.

"Yes baby, I'd wait for you forever."

**A/N: This chapter didn't flow from me quite so freely as the others have, but I did get it out and I'm going with it. I hope you all liked it. **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: So I received a PM stating that I had unknowingly violated the guidelines of this site by having song lyrics in my fics. Even giving credit and disclaimers isn't enough, so to avoid account closure, I removed song lyrics from all one shots and all chapters of this story. I didn't need to re write anything to have it still make sense, so that's why you no longer see those here. I apologize. That aside, thank you all so much for the wonderful response to the last chapter. I had another one-shot in my head I had to get out and posted before I continued and updated this story for you all. Enjoy!**

Alex rolled over in bed, the room still dark and her mind still half in a fog. She looked at the numbers flashing on the clock on her nightstand and saw that it was almost 3:00 PM. A slight feeling of panic set in until she came to and realized she had woken up earlier when her alarm had gone off and called in sick to work, then shut the blinds and gotten straight back into bed. She wasn't sick, but she'd never admit that to anyone. She had been hiding her grief so well for so long, and trying to move on with her life. Pretending with just about the entire world that she would be okay without Raye-Anne. That she was okay to go to work, do normal things, that she could be happy. She wouldn't, she wasn't and she couldn't, and she had needed a day just to lay around, say "fuck everything" and shut her mind off in sleep.

It had been one of those rarely yet agonizingly slow days at the precinct, and for once she wasn't grateful for the lack of work. When she'd come in that morning she'd heard that Alex had called in sick and her heart had sunk. She loved her job, but she also loved and tried to find any excuse to see their ADA during her work days. The blonde not being there had made the day seem to drag on even more than usual and had Oliva worried. Everyone else had seemed to think she was doing okay since the death of her daughter, but the detective knew better, and hearing that she'd called in sick just solidified her worst fear. She was pulled from her thoughts when she felt rather than saw Cragen's precense at her desk.

"It's really slow, and you look preocupied. You can cut out early if you want. We'll call you if we need you."

Never before had she been grateful to be told she could cut out of work early. Normally, she would always refuse such an offer. Not today. She knew exactly what she had and needed to do with her extra free hours.

"Thanks Capt." she looked up in gratitude at the older man, getting up and taking her coat from the back of her chair before sliding herself into it.

He smiled warmly back at her. Most of the team he thought of as his own children, but Olivia had an extra special place in his heart. If he had had a daughter, he'd want one like her. Ever since the team had discovered the death of Alex's teenager daughter, he had wondered if there was something going on between the two women. If there wasn't, it was obvious that there ought to be. He could see it in the way they interacted that they cared extremely deeply for each other. He also sensed that Liv was going through something. The way she kept to herself, acted different, almost depressed, at times, worried him.

"You're welcome. Liv, are you okay? You haven't seemed to be yourself lately. You know that any one of us are here if you need it, and you can always come talk to me. Don't hesitate."

"I know, thanks. I'm fine, I promise." This wasn't the whole truth and she knew they both knew it, but she didn't feel like going into detail and getting into a deep discussion right now when she was about to head out.

"Okay. Take care of yourself, detective." he shook his head slightly as he watched her walk away.

The blonde had been sleeping when she heard a knock at the door, half waking her out of deep slumber. She pulled the blankets up higher around her and had every intention of ignoring it, but it became louder. Whoever it was was awfully damn persistent.

"Coming! Hold your horses." she said, as she slowly uncovered herself and got out of bed to open the door.

"Olivia." She stepped aside, granting the older woman access inside. "Shouldn't you be at work?"

"Nah, it was really slow today. Cragen let me leave early. But I was worried about you. I heard you called in. Are you sick?" despite the smile the ADA had pasted on her lips, she could tell by her puffy eyes that she'd been crying.

"No." she cast her gaze downward toward her feet. No matter what she wanted to tell everyone else or let them think, she had trouble lying to Olivia. Part of her didn't even want to attempt it.

"Then what's wrong?" she questioned, taking a seat on the couch.

Alex did the same, allowing herself to get as close to Liv as possible.

"Everything." She looked up at her. One look into those chocolate eyes and her heart turned to mush. She had no control over herself or her emotions anymore, and tears fell from her face, as they had done so many times that day.

"Come here." She hated seeing the blonde in any kind of pain or distress and if pulling her into an embrace was all she could do to take it away even a little, then she'd be willing to stay that way forever.

She held her for a long time, running her fingers through her hair, murmuring sweet bits of nothing into her ear, before pulling back and taking her delicate face between both of her strong muscular hands and locking eyes with her. "I know it's not okay, and that's probably the last thing you want to hear so I'm not gonna tell you it is. I will tell you, that you can talk to me. You can, and you need to. Alex, don't hold it in. Don't shut people out, especially not me. I'm here for you and I love you. There may be nothing I can do to fix what happened or how you feel, but if all I can do is hold you and let you cry then tell me that. I don't want you to have to feel alone."

Hearing the emotion in the other woman's voice made her heart swell. She was one of the only people whom she felt genuinely cared about her feelings.

"I know. I know you're here for me and believe me I appreciate it. It's just not easy for me to open up about her being gone. It's like, if I don't talk about it, it's not real. And if I blame myself for not being there enough, not doing enough, then I don't have time to be angry at her for doing something as stupid and rash as ending her life instead of talking to me."

"Oh honey."

They sat in silence for a while before Alex spoke again.

"Can we get out of here?" She didn't know what had shifted inside of her, but suddenly she didn't want to be trapped in the confines of her house anymore.

She smiled. Even though Alex was sad, she was sure her wanting to get out of the house was a good sign. "Sure. Where would you like to go?"

"Wherever the road takes us I guess.

Olivia smiled as she watched the blonde singing at the top of her lungs along with the car stereo. She loved the song, and her voice made it even more beautiful. It was not lost on her that the lyrics were incredibly telling of their current situation. Even though she had told Alex she loved her multiple times, the other woman hadn't yet said it back and while she would never pressure her, she had a feeling that this song and her singing it with her there, was some sort of unspoken declaration on her part. Reaching towards the radio, she turned the knob so that the volume decreased, hoping Alex wouldn't stop singing.

Alex caught on to what she was doing, and smiling the first genuine smile she had in what seemed like forever, she did what she knew Olivia wanted her to do and sang louder over the now very minimal music. Surprisingly, she wasn't self concious. If it were anyone else next to her, she'd probably try to downplay the voice she had, but not with Olivia.

The song ended, and she was vaguely aware of the brunette reaching over to completely turn off the radio.

"Do you sing often?"

She blushed a little, slightly uncomfortable by the sudden silence.

"I used to. When Raye-Anne was still here. She used to sing all the time. The times I was home with her, she'd make me sing with her. I've only sang a handful of times since she died. There's not as much joy in it as there used to be."

"I know now where her voice came from. You're fantastic, Alex. You shouldn't waste talent like that."

"Well thank you, that's sweet. I used to want to be a singer."

"But?"

"Parents made me go into law. They didn't approve of the whole singing idea." she rolled her eyes. "I love my job, but I always wondered if I'd have made it. If I'd be good enough, you know?"

Olivia reached for her hand. "I have no doubts that you would have been. You're amazing at everything you choose to do, but singing seems to be effortless for you."

Alex smiled slightly as they pulled to a stop by the waterfront. It was a beautiful sunny afternoon, the water a bright shade of blue as the sun shone down on it. Simply being here seemed to lift Alex's mood, but being here with Olivia lifted it tenfold.

They found a picnic table on the grass off to the side of the water where they could sit and talk and watch everything as it happened.

She knew what she was about to say could generate a good or bad reaction, but she also knew that in the end it would only help Alex.

"Tell me about Raye-Anne."

"What do you want to know?" she really didn't want to talk about her daughter. She was still dealing with so much pain and grief over the simple fact that she had to talk about her in the past tense, but she couldn't hold anything back from the detective, even if she wanted to.

"Anything. Positive things. How she was when she was happy. I know that's how she wants you to remember her."

"Well, she was really funny. I swear she got her sense of humor from her father, because Lord knows I don't have one. Not like he did. She was always making me laugh over the stupidest things. I'd have the worst day in court and come home and she'd do something dumb and I'd just crack up."

"I've seen you be funny before, you've had the whole team laughing on the shittiest days too. Don't act like you're so serious."

She was quiet for a few minutes before she looked up with a smile on her face, recalling another memory.

"She had this piggy bank of change she would save aside from any other money she made. She'd stick a few dollars in everytime she made or was given anything, and once a week she would go to the cafeteria at school and pay for someone's lunch. She asked the lunch ladies to make sure it was always somebody different, and if they could, to make sure it was someone who they thought really deserved or needed it and not to tell them it was her who had paid it. She did that for a long time. She cared about everybody. Even if she was hurting herself, she would go out of the way to make sure somebody else wasn't."

"That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my whole life. She told you she was doing that?"

"Yeah. I once asked her why she kept a piggy bank separate from her own money, and she told me that's what she was doing with it."

"You must've been proud."

"I was. If there's anything I wanted to instill in her it was love and generosity. I always tried to teach her that not everyone is as well off as we were."

"Well by what you've just told me I think you succeeded in doing that."

"I guess I did. She thought you were pretty awesome too, you know."

Olivia blushed. "Really?" she'd met and talked to the girl a few times and had really taken to her. Now that she was gone, she wished they could have had a lot more time together.

"Oh yeah, we'd come home from the one six when I brought her in with me and it was always Olivia this, Olivia that. She said if she was ever a cop, she'd want to be like you, because you care so much about people."

The brunette felt her heart melt a little, and she suddenly couldn't believe the young girl was actually gone. She would have made a good cop, with how caring she was. "Aw, she said that? That's so nice."

They talked for a while longer, about everything and nothing with Alex throwing in random happy memories of Raye every now and then. It made Olivia happy to see Alex smile and remember her positively. Eventually, she hoped that's how they could both remember her together all the time, but she knew that would take a while.

After returning Alex home, Olivia had had every intention of going back to her apartment, but Alex had asked her to stay, and they'd ended up falling asleep next to each other in her bed. She felt the blonde next to her stirring and waking up, eventually turning to look at her.

"Mm. Hey." she smiled a half smile as she stretched out. Waking up next to the brunette had made her feel safe. Like everything was okay, at least for the moment.

"Hi. Sleep well?" The state of Alex being half asleep, was incredibly and undeniably cute.

"Mmmhmm. I'm gonna go take a shower."

"Ooh, can I come?" She'd said it as a joke, and was surprised at the blonde's response.

"If you want to."

She felt all hints of moisture leave her mouth and the beat of her heart quicken. This is what she had wanted wasn't it? Still, she couldn't help but feel nervous.

"Really?"

"Liv, I've seen you naked and vulnerable once before, and in all honesty, I want you to see me that way too. I want to know that I'm enough for you."

"You don't need to be naked in front of me for me to know that you're more than enough for me, but I will go with you."

"Good." she smiled. Give me five minutes.

Getting up out of bed, she made her way to the bathroom to start the shower and strip herself of her clothes before waiting for Olivia.

The detective watched her go, before getting up out of bed and taking off her own clothes, leaving them in a pile on the floor. Nervousness, anticipation, and excitement were fighting against each other for dominance in the pit of her stomach.

By the time she got to the bathroom, steam was evident on the mirrors and Alex was already waiting for her under the hot water. She opened the door and stepped inside and her breath hitched at the mere sight of the woman before her.

Alex stepped closer, and wordlessly claimed Olivia's lips with her own, her tongue begging for access into her mouth which the brunette readily granted her. Their tongues moved together in heated exploration of each other for a few long minutes before the blonde pulled back.

"I love you. I love you, Olivia Benson, and I want you to make love to me."

Her heart raced as she struggled to find her voice, which came out hoarse when she did.

"Now? Here."

"Mhmmm."

"But I..Alex I've never been with a woman before. I don't know what I'm doing."

"You'll be fine. I promise."

"Help me?" she felt ridiculous in admitting that she needed any help or didn't know what to do, but she wanted to satisfy the other woman, and she wanted to do it right.

The way Olivia looked so vulnerable and slightly scared made Alex melt a little. She knew without having to ask that she just wanted to be good enough, and she had been in Olivia's position before the first time she'd been with a woman. She didn't want her to feel any less than safe, or do anything that didn't feel natural to her.

"I'll show you what I want from you, but you have to promise me that if you feel uncomfortable, you'll stop me, no matter how much you think I want to keep going."

"Okay."

They stood close together, Olivia pressing her body against the other woman's pale one, running her hands over her back and settling them on her behind. The blonde tipped her head to one side as she felt lips begin to devour every inch of skin on her neck.

"Hmm."

Hearing the sound of pleasure escape from her lover gave her confidence enough to continue. She trailed kisses from her neck to her shoulder before moving down and blowing air across one of the blonde's taut nipples proceeding to take it in her mouth and suck on it, surprised at the strong reaction it elicited from her.

"Oh, Liv! Please." she knew she was begging, but she didn't care. It was unbelievable to her that this woman could make her feel so much with barely just one touch.

Olivia's own arousal was building hearing the tone in the blonde's voice, and she smiled against her breast before releasing her nipple from her mouth.

"Please what? What do you want?" She was fully aware of the answer before she even heard it.

"You."

"How do you want me?"

"Mm. Mouth."

She chuckled at Alex's inability to form a full coherent sentence, loving that she was having such an affect on her, and knowing full well what she wanted. She'd never given oral sex before, even to men, but in this moment it felt natural and she was without hesitations.

She lightly pushed the blonde back against the wall, adjusting the intensity of the shower head's spray so it wouldn't pelt so heavily onto her lover's face as she pleasured her. As she knelt down in front of her, she realized their quarters were slightly cramped but didn't care. The heat of the moment and making Alex happy was all that mattered to her.

"You're sure you want me to do this?" the scent of her arousal was evident being so close to her sex, and Olivia wasn't sure if she'd be able to handle it if she said no now.

"Mm. Positive." she could feel herself becoming wetter by the second anticipating what the brunette could do with her mouth.

She wasted no time in giving the blonde what she knew she craved. Placing light kisses on the inside of her thighs, she gently aided her in spreading her legs further apart before flicking her tongue across her clit then gently sucking on it.

"Hmm." she hummed against the bud, feeling Alex's hips buck forward slightly in response.

"Oh baby." She placed her hands on the older woman's shoulders to steady herself. She could already feel herself unravelling and knew if the brunette kept this up it wouldn't be long before she was sent completely over the edge.

"You like that?" she loved that she had such an ability to make the hard assed ADA lose all composure.

"Hmm." she was beyond being able to find the words to speak.

Olivia continued her assault, licking and sucking all the right places and applying just enough pressure when needed to tease her and make her go crazy, in awe of what she could do to her and how wet she was.

"I want to come."

Her statement was forceful and pleading, but in no way was she done with her.

"Not yet you don't."

She sat up, and the look of disappointment she saw on the blonde's face when she thought she was done, was quickly replaced by one of surprise and want when she felt two fingers delve deep into her.

"Oh, god. Olivia!" she welcomed the sudden intrusion, wanting the sensations she was feeling to go on forever.

Olivia began a rough but steady pace in and out of her, and soon felt Alex's walls clamping tightly around her fingers, pulling her in as deep as was possible.

"I love you." her voice was full of need, want and passion and made Olivia's need to see her lover fly over the edge too great to prolong any further.

"I love you too." she felt the blonde brace herself for what she knew was coming and curved her fingers, finding the spot deep within her lover that sent her into a state of total euphoria.

"Mmmm..Yes baby! Don't stop!" The water that was pelting down on her had begin to run cold, but she didn't care. The sensations Olivia was making her feel more than made up for it.

Her breathing evened out as Olivia felt her come down, removing her fingers from their place inside of her and standing up, pulling her against her.

"Are you okay?"

She smiled. Leave it to Olivia to ask if she was okay and be concerned about her despite that she was the one who had just made love to a woman for the first time.

"I'm more than okay. I should be asking about you."

"I'm fine. I promise. I love you."

"Me too."

They both quickly washed before getting out of the shower and wrapping themselves in towels. When they reached the bedroom, neither of them bothered to put on nightclothes before getting under the covers.

"I promise you, soon I'll make you feel just as special, loved and happy as you did me." she pulled the brunette against her, kissing the back of her neck.

"I know you will." As much as she had wanted her to make love to her tonight, she knew she had to give her time. They had accomplished a lot in a short amount of time, done well in establishing what Olivia thought was a strong basis to their blossoming relationship. They weren't all the way there, but she couldn't ruin it now by pressuring Alex to make love to her in return. There was still a way to go, and she knew Alex would when she was ready.

They had drifted off to sleep, locked in each others arms until Olivia awoke from a dream. She wasn't frightened, but it had upset her. It hadn't happened in a long time, but she had dreamt of Serena and the abuse she used to have to endure at the hands of her mother. She had never been good enough. She'd been a constant reminder of the rape that ruined the older woman's life. As much as she hated to admit it sometimes she still hated herself for that, and believed some of the things Serena put in her head and told her, were true.

Not wanting to wake Alex, but being unable to sleep, she quietly got out of bed, finding an extra housecoat on the back of the door and wrapping herself in it before venturing out to the kitchen. Scanning the content of the fridge, she grimaced when wine was the only thing she could find in the way of alcohol. She disliked wine and hardly drank it, but right now anything would do. She knew she shouldn't drink at this hour, but she needed it; needed to numb her mind of all pain and insecurity, all thoughts of her mother. Searching the cupboards for a wine glass, she took the first one she could find, pulled the cork out of the already open wine sitting down at the counter taking a long sip, her face screwing up at the taste as it slid down her throat.

Taking another few sips, she was able to manage the taste better after a while. She sat there staring off into space for a long time, the wine eventually slightly numbing the thoughts swirling in her head. She was about to take another long swig and brought the glass to her lips as she heard a soft yet firm voice behind her, laced with what she thought may be concern.

"Put the drink down."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: This chapter was in me waiting to come out sooner than anticipated, and I know my updates have been pretty frequent as my move ended up being pushed back a week. I will be moving this weekend so in a few days you'll notice the updates becoming fewer or non existent for a while. Please stick with me. I love writing for you all and your support is invaluable! Thank you so much. **

Olivia turned around startled, drink still in hand. "What?"

Alex locked eyes with the brunette, giving her one of her famous stares that she gave in court. It had the same affect on her as it did on perps. She squirmed slightly but noticeably in her seat.

"You heard me. Put the drink down." She had caught Olivia drinking quite a few times in the last few months, and heard through the grapevine at the one six that some of her colleagues were concerned. "I think we need to have quite a talk, Benson."

"What are you talking about?" She feigned innocence, knowing full well what was coming, but dreading it.

"I've seen you drink quite a bit lately, Liv. Some of the guys are concerned about you, too. I wasn't gonna say anything, but waking up to find you had wandered into my kitchen in the wee hours of the morning just to drink the wine from my fridge, it worries me Olivia and it indicates a problem."

Olivia sighed, running her hands through her hair and across her face. "I really don't want to talk about this."

"Well sometimes you just have to suck it up, buttercup. I'm sorry for being an asshole, but sometimes things come along that we don't like and we have to deal with them. If I can open up to you and wear my heart on my sleeve with regards to the death of my only child, surely you can open up enough to discuss what's the cause of your drinking?! Because if you don't, it will come between us eventually. I won't be in a relationship that's all give and no take. I know you don't want that, so you best start talkin'."

The detective was shocked at her no nonsense, straight forward and slightly bitchy attitude but at the same time in the deepest part of herself she knew it was something she needed to hear. Alex was getting sick of being the only one giving one hundred percent of herself, Liv could see that. She took a deep breath, and allowed her mind for the first time in a long time, to go for the millionth time where many minds never had to dream of going once.

_She peered into the dark room, Serena showing no telltale signs of life except for the slight rise and fall of her chest indicating that she was in fact, alive and another one of her "episodes" had not killed her. Even at her young age, Olivia knew that her mother was very sick. She wasn't like other mothers, and she didn't like her daughter in the least. Constantly expressing her disdain for the younger version of herself, and referring to her as the "thing that came out of the worst night of her life", she routinely made the child wish she wasn't there. Often she felt very alone. Daddy wasn't there. Although she was too young to completely comprehend why, she wasn't dumb. She knew he had something to do with the worst night of Mommy's life._

_ Stomach rumbling, she chanced tiptoeing into the room, shaking her mother in attempt to wake her. _

_ "Mommy, Mommy. Wake up. I's hungry." she couldn't remember when she last ate and she couldn't find any decent food in the house. Her stomach was rumbling so badly that it was beginning to hurt and her attempt to wake her mother appeared to be in vain, because she was still out cold. _

_ Shaking her again, tears began to escape her eyes and fall down her face, desperation and longing creeping into her young voice. All she wanted and needed was a mother, and all she had was a shell of a woman who hated her for a reason she couldn't yet understand. Maybe she didn't ever want to understand it. So many times she thought of running away, but she didn't know where to go. Mommy could be nice sometimes. Usually on holidays, a few days out of the year. She tried to hold on to that during times where she felt like she lived in Hell. _

_ MOMMYYYYYYYY.. WAKE UP! I MISS YOU AND I'S HUNGRY! WHY DOES YOU HATE ME SO BAD?! WHAT DID I DO? I SORRY. WAKE UPPPP!" _

_ She was full out sobbing now, as she felt rather than heard her mother jolt awake. The look on her face frightened her and she knew what was coming all too well before it even happened._

_ "Why'd you wake me up, ya little shit?!" Her words were slurred, and her voice was thick with sleep. "Whadda ya want, damn kid? Ruined my damn life, I swear."_

_ Olivia whimpered, her lip trembling in fear of the woman who was supposed to love her, but did anything but on most ocassions._

_ "I sorry Mommy, I just so hungry."_

_ The woman got up out of bed, towering over her. "Olivia Benson you best stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" before she knew what was happening, the woman spanked her on the behind, enough to leave a sting in the wake of her hand, but not as hard as she could have or previously had, and proceeded to chase her. Olivia having been through this all before, turned and ran up the stairs, locking the door of her room behind her, curling up in a ball under the safety of her covers, and sobbing, as she heard in the distance her mother giving up the fight as she retreated back to bed._

Recounting the memory that had haunted her in her dreams that night to the blonde had left her completely spent. She had cried more than she had in a long time, possibly ever, and she didn't like to be raw and emotional in front of anyone. The things she was spilling to the ADA in this moment she had never told, and never planned on telling.

The younger woman's heart broke as she listened to the detective recount one of many memories of abuse at the hands of Serena Benson over the years that had come to her in a dream. Although Liv had told her it hadn't happened in a long time, she had also established that it had been a regular occurrence for many years prior. Even though she didn't know Serena Benson and she was still Olivia's mother she felt in that moment that she'd have no reservations or hesitations about finding and killing her herself if she could get away with it.

"She hated me, Alex. She hated me so much. I was almost nothing to her. No matter what I've tried to do in my life or the times she tried to be nice to me I was never good enough. She was never proud of me. I couldn't get her to be the mother I needed. Why the fuck did I become a detective? Why the FUCK did I put myself through emotional hell every single day and night, more than I already have gone through, just to feel like I was doing something to help her?"

Alex took the opportunity then to move closer to her lover; she'd refrained in doing so until now so as to allow Liv the chance to get everything out that she'd needed to and free herself of the toxicity inside her, but she could see that she needed the comfort and reassurance more than ever now without having to ask. She wrapped her in her arms, and allowed her to sob uncontrollably into her shoulder. She ran a soothing hand up and down the older woman's back as she began to speak again.

"THAT'S why I drink. To forget everything. To forget the bitch I came from, everything she made me out to be, and everything that I feel like I am. I love being numb, and that scares me. I love the feeling of not feeling, and I love the feeling of going so far, that I don't know if I'll ever have to feel again."

The blonde pulled back from her, looking into her eyes hoping she was able to convey everything she was feeling without words.

"Baby! Don't you EVER let me hear you say that again, do you hear me?! I don't want to ever hear you talk about going so far that I can't save you, that I lose you." She was openly crying then. "I hate what Serena did to you, and there aren't enough words to express how sorry I am that you had to go through it. I would love to find her and hurt her worse than she ever could have hurt you, but I know that wouldn't help and I will try to continue to be civil because she is still your mother. I know I have been hesitant in opening myself up and making sure you know how I feel, but I let you make love to me tonight. That was a huge step for me Liv and I want to take many more huge steps with you. I love you. As for what Serena made you out to be, that's her distorted perception, and you are none of those things. If you feel like you are, we have a problem; a problem that I will go to the end of the earth and back to help you fix because I love you to death. I know you became a cop to help your mother because you are one of the most compassionate, loving, generous, understanding people I've ever met and my world would be broken without you. I already lost two loved ones. A lover and a daughter, don't make me lose a soul mate too. If you need help, I will go to hell and back to get you the best in the world. But please don't pull away. Don't ruin yourself without giving me a chance to help you."

The complete devotion and heartfelt speech she was giving her made Olivia's heart almost completely burst with adoration for the other woman. She wanted to resist, to fight back, but she was beyond the point of return now. She couldn't hide from her anymore, and she had to begin the process of letting her layers of shame, hate, and pain fall away.

"I.. I think I need help."

The ADA's heart nearly exploded with pride at her girlfriend's admission.

"I do too. I'm incredibly proud of you for admitting that. I will be with you every step. As much or as little as you want. I won't crowd you, but we'll take it day by day together. Is there somebody you want me to call?"

The brunette thought for a moment. "Let's research that together. I know I don't want to talk to Huang. I'd like to start fresh with someone who doesn't know or have any history with me."

She admired the brave step the older woman was taking. "Okay."

Despite how tired and depleted she felt, there was one more thing she had to say to the blonde before she couldn't bring herself to do it.

"Alex, I love you. More than anyone or anything in the world. To be honest, a love like this scares me too despite the fact I've seemingly been confident. I've dove in head first with you faster than any relationship and I don't have any regrets for a second, and I'm trying really hard; to be open, honest, and love you as I should. That being said, I can tell you right here right now that I want nobody else, and want to be with you til they lay me in the ground. One day down the road, when we're both ready and in better places I want to be your wife, have your babies. I want to have your name, and share in everything until death do us part. I needed you to know that if we're gonna make it through this. I need to know you want the same things."

Alex's eyes welled up with tears as she listened to Olivia talking about being her wife, having her name, and her children. Although she hadn't thought about having anymore kids since Raye-Anne had died, she knew if she did have them, she'd want them to be Olivia's. They had a long way to go to get there, but it wasn't something that seemed so impossible anymore.

"I've never wanted anything more. Give me some time, and I'll be right there with you, walking this crazy path beside you, good or bad. It's late, let's try to get at least a couple hours sleep, huh?"

She pulled her to her, kissing her passionately on the lips, running her hands over bare skin under the loose fitting robe Olivia had borrowed from her.

Olivia's arousal began to build within her, and a moan escaped her as she pulled away from the blonde.

"Mmmm. Touch me?" she questioned, her voice laced with want.

"In due time, sweetheart. In due time." she pulled her by the hand towards her bedroom, feeling completely blessed and happy that she got to fall asleep with someone so special in her arms.


End file.
