Rizzoli & Isles 1. Chapter 1

**Forgive Me**

_YADADA! I don't own anything, all characters belong to their respective owners. Not making money from this._

_Didn't have a beta so anything mistake is all on me. Let me know if I should continue. Feed the monster._

My name is Jane Rizzoli and I am broken. It has been two month since I had shot my best friend's biological father, sixty days since she's turn her back on me, since she's spoken to me, smiled at me. I had thought that if I gave her some time, everything would eventually get better. If I gave her the time to cool down, I might be able to talk to her again and explain that I was just doing my job, that I didn't mean to hurt her, that I didn't mean to make her hate me because I'm 100% sure that she hates me now.

I'm sitting at my desk trying to focus on our latest case but my mind keep drifting to Maura Isles and what I could do to get my friend back. I can't seem to get the image of Maura's face, the anger that was directed at me, so much hate in her eyes when she told me to not touch him. I snap out of my dazed when i hear the distinct clacking of heels coming down the corridor toward the squad room. I look down at my hands then looked up in time to see Maura walking toward Frost's desk. She handed him a file and explained to him in detail about the autopsy on our latest murder victim.

Frost looked at me and turned to Maura. "Hey doc, I really appreciate the dumb me down explanation, but Jane's the lead detective on this case, you really should be talking to her."

I froze the minute I heard the words come out of Frost's mouth, I looked back down to my hands and waited to see what would happened.

I waited and waited, and as the seconds ticked by my heart raced pumping blood into my brain a little to fast, I was beginning to get light headed. I heard the heels turned and moved further away from me and I knew that if I didn't say something, anything, things would keep going like this forever.

I pushed my chair back and rushed after Maura. As I got closer to her I reach my hand out and try to grab at her arms.

"Maura, come on. Maur, please."

She came to an abrupt stop and I had to stop myself short or run directed into her. She stood still for a moment and twist her body around hard and fast to face me. What she did next I could never imagine. Maura Isles, calm and collect in almost all situation brought her hand up and slap me hard across the face. It was like time had slow down and I saw every movement of her hand as it lifted and moved to my face, but I did nothing to stop it, I don't think I even wanted to. I deserved it and everything else that she can throw at me. What came next was something that I could never forget, because in that moment, those few words that left her mouth left me more than broken, they left me shattered and dead.

"I don't want anything from you Detective Rizzoli, not your apology, not your friendship, not your help." Her eyes burning with rage and she thought out her next words." You know what? Never mind, there is something I want from you. TO LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME JANE RIZZOLI, NOT NOW, NOT EVER. YOU ARE A MURDERER, NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS!" And with those last words she entered the elevator which was conveniently opening to let another officer out and press the button for the level of the morgue.

I stood there and slowly brought my hand to my cheek, the sting was beginning to settle but I refuse to let the tears fall, I will not be weak in front of my colleagues. I walked back to my desk and dropped into my chair not really caring what the rest of the office thought of my exchange with the usually quite and compose doctor. I didn't hear a noise at all coming from around me, I looked up to see the whole squad room looking at me.

Surprisingly it was Cavanaugh that came to my rescue. He choose that exact moment to stick his head out of his office and holler for me.

"Rizzoli, in here now. The rest of you, get back to work or the next thing your doing in looking for a new job."

He came back into his office to find me already sitting in front of his desk.

"Rizzoli, take off."

I looked at him like the just grew a second head.

"I'm not firing you," he continue, "you need some time off, just take what you need. Gods know how much time you actually have off. But if you don't voluntarily take some time off, I'm gonna force thirty days on you whether you like it or now. Your one of my best deceptive but your of no use to me like this. Your head's not in the game, and that's how good cops get kill. I won't have you running the streets unfocus. So go home, go talk to somebody, hell take a real vacation away from everything for a little while. Come back when your head is on straight."

I looked at him with unshed tears threatening to fall and nodded mutely at him. I heard him saying something about not having to worry about the paperwork as I got up and walked out of the squad room and to the elevator ignoring Frost and Korsak's concern look. As I step out into the street the sky darken and opened up as the clouds started pouring heavy water droplets towards the earth. As I dragged myself to my car, I turned the key into lock and got in, I looked to the angry sky one last time and allow my tears to finally fall.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

On the drive back to my apartment, I got a text from Cavanaugh saying that I had up to thirty days if I need it and to let him know if I needed anymore. I mumble a thank to anyone who could hear me and try to focus on getting home in one piece, the tears that started flowing back at the station still slowly sliding down my cheeks.

As I pulled up to my street I parked around the corner, got out, and started the trek towards the front door of my apartment complex. As I rounded the corner I saw a lone figure sitting on my front steps, I could tell he was nervous by the way he was constantly playing with his hands. I sighed and knew that I wasn't getting to my bed without a small conversation first. I knew he was worried, maybe if I said a few things to reassured him that everything would be ok than maybe I can have some peace and quiet the next month.

"Hey Frankie, what are you doing here bud?" I asked him gently, silently grateful that my tears had stopped before I got out of the car and that I now looked a little normal, besides a little redness and swelling I just look tire.

"Hey Janie, everything OK? I heard that you got called into the principal's office again. Anything I can do to help?" He gave me that signature Rizzoli grin hoping it would cheer me up.

I smiled at him and sat down next to him, shoulder's touching, looking for a little reassurance and love. "I'm fine, I just need some time to myself and the big guy saw it too." I pause and thought about my next words hoping that it wouldn't worry him. "Hey Frankie, I really do need some time just to get my head together, I know I'm a good cop but I'm not at my best right now and I don't want to put Frost or Korsak in any danger if we go out there chasing a perp and I'm distracted. I might need some time away from everything. You mind talking to ma and let her know I'm okay and not to come by until I'm ready to see people again." At his nod I started again. "Do you mind also taking Jo while I'm on this little hiatus from the real world so I can concentrate on me?"

He nodded again and pulled me into a sideway hug. "Sure thing Janie, I'll try to talk to ma but you know how she is, she'll try to come around and make sure your ok. And you never have to worry about asking for a favor from me, your my favorite sister and I'll do anything for you. Your also my hero Janie, I love you and I'm always here if you need anything."

I was about to correct him and said I was his only sister, but I froze realizing that i was no longer his only sister. Maura was… is family too, and she is also his sister.

I smile gently at him and disengaged myself from his hug. I turned to walk up the stairs to my apartment and Frankie followed quietly, waiting for me to enter the room first before he came in behind me.

Jo Friday can thundering out of my bedroom and greeted by trying to jump into my arms for a hug. I oblige and picked her up and gave her a kiss while trying to keep her from slobbering all over my face. I gave her my first real smile in two months and went to the kitchen to get her leash and everything else she would need to stay with Frankie.

I walked out of the kitchen with Jo still in my arms and handed her to Frankie. I gave her one last kiss and quietly whisper "be good" to her and send Frankie on his way. He gave me one last hug and kissed my cheek and walked out.

Before I closed the door Frankie turned around and repeated what he said earlier to me. "No matter what Janie, I'm always here if you need me, we're family and family always stick together."

I smiled and closed the door all the way then pressing my back up against the door I slid down the wooden surface. Slump against my front door I looked down at my hands, these scarred ugly hands, were also the one to help Paddy Doyle escape. I remember that day so well, even though I wish I didn't. I didn't regret what I did, I just don't want to remember it.

The day that the doctors told Paddy he was release to the police to be taken to jail. I made the call to moved the guard posted on his door, I pulled the fire alarms and got everyone in a panic, and in all the commotion I walked into Paddy's room and wheeled him into another room, dressed in surgical scrubs, my dark hair hidden beneath the cap and a white beanie under that. I wheeled him to an empty room where a couple of his henchmen where waiting to take him away from there. I nodded slightly at them and as I turn to leave Paddy called me back.

"Why detective, this could ruin your career if you were ever found out. Why risk all of this for an old fugitive?"

"It's not for you," I answered right away. "It was never for you. If you go to jail, you can't protect her anymore." I turned around and faced him. "You have a lot of enemies that would try to kill her once they know that your her father. You need to be on the outside to protect her, you can't do it in prison. I also know you have connections in the BPD, a high profile wanted man like yourself would. I know you'll never let anything happen to me, you need me near her to protect her, make sure that she's alive and well. As for the happy part, I don't think I can do that anymore, but I can make sure she's alive long enough to know happiness, know a real family who is always there for her. To hurt me takes that away for her. I don't know how long I can keep that promise, but I'll try. Just leave Paddy, don't come back for now, go away until everything dies down, protect her from the shadows and enjoy your freedom. This is the only chance you'll get from me." I took a shuddering breath and walked out of the room.

My mind keep replaying that day in my head, I know Paddy was the only person who could tell Maura who her real mother was, and twice I took that away from her. I will never tell her what I have done for Paddy Doyle, I was just like him in her eyes now, a murdered. Only difference is she choose him over me, she had accepted him for all that he was, he was after all her father. Me? I was suppose to be the good guy, she would never except what I did, she fought for the law and in that one action, I broke every oath I ever took. I'm worst than Paddy now, I'm a bad cop, a murderer and a broken human being.

I shook my head clear and went back into the kitchen. The cabinet above me had a full bottle of Jack Daniels waiting for me and I brought it down along with a tumbler. I looked at the bottle and glass and at my front door, I would never get the peace and quiet I need if I left things the way they were. I grabbed my keys from the counter and walked out the door slamming it behind me.

I walked into the 24hrs locksmith and asked the man if he could changed my lock within the hours. He was a kind looking old man and gave me a small smile, he looked as tired as I felt at that moment, he ended up following me back to my place without much of a word and started changing all the locks. He asked me why I needed everything changed and I told him I had lost my keys, and being a cop and all, I wanted to be safe. As he silently worked I was thankful that I had forgotten to lock the door after my hasty exit. I hated to do this, but I knew that if I didn't change the locks my mother would come barging in with her emergency key that was never used for actually emergency. The old gentlemen clears his throat to signal that he was done and I paid him, even gave him a little extra and an apology for the late worked. He told me it was no problem, handed me my new set of keys and told me if I needed anything to let him know. I wanted to tell him if he knew how to get my best friend back I'll give him the world at his feet, but I help my tongue knowing that he couldn't do anything.

I shut my front door again and went back into the kitchen, I shed my clothes as I went thinking how Maura would say something about me being a slob, but I shook that thought from my head quickly. I was in my underwear by the time I got to the kitchen and I grabbed the bottle of whiskey again and the glass and settle on my couch. I pour myself a nice full glass and looked behind me toward my bedroom. I thought about going to my bed but I realized I have slept in my bed in over two months. The last time was with Maura the night before the warehouse incident. We had talked about all kind of things until we both fell asleep side by side. She made my bed when we both woke for work the next day, all perfect and I couldn't just bring myself to mess it up again, mess up her work. But I guess I'm ok with messing up her life though, cause look at where we are now.

I push those thoughts again to the back of my mind and picked up the whiskey. I took a long drink feeling the cool amber liquid burn its way down my throats. One glass turn into two, into three, and as the night went on, the bottle got lighter and lighter every time I picked it up to refill the glass. I laid down sideways on the couch as I have one for the last 60 days and took one last swig from my glass. My last thought before darkness was of how much I love Maura, and maybe things would be different if I had told her how I felt earlier, maybe things might not have become so bad. But as I fall into unconsciousness, I realized that maybe I was wrong and that things could be worst than what they are now, but even I didn't know how anything could be worst than what they are now.

_I know… I know.. I'm stopping here for right now because it's late and I'm freaking tire. I'll try to have another chapter up in the next day or two. Let me know how I'm doing since this in my first fanfic but I just felt like writing all of a sudden. I might not be good but I'm gonna keep trying. Thank you for all who review and followed. I even have some of my favorite authors following too. And again please feed the monster._


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I woke up to someone lightly knocking on my door, my eyes tried to adjust to the light in the room. I lifted my head and looked around my apartment, messy was a nice way of putting it. The knocking came again but it was still soft, so that eliminate my mother or anyone else I know, no one I know would knock light that when I haven't shown my face or talked to anyone for two days. Wow, two whole days, I'm surprise my mother hasn't come trying to break my door down yet. I looked around the destruction that is my living room and frowned, somewhere between the first bottle of Jack and then all the beer in my fridge, which was a lot, I felt that it was productive to destroyed every reflective surface in the room. I guess my drunken self didn't like looking at herself in the mirror, and I don't blame her, I didn't like looking at myself in the mirror these days when I was sober either. I suddenly remember the knocking and peeled myself off the couch and stubble towards the door. As I got closer I wonder who the hell it was to dare wake me from my drunken stupor and dreamless sleep. I heard moving on the other side of the door then a piece of paper slid under the door. I bent over trying to pick it up and fell forward head first into the door, I curse silently and decided it was a much better idea just to sit my ass down so I don't get a concussion. As I picked up the piece of paper and opened it, my eyes opened wide and I was so drunk any more. The note was from Paddy Doyle and on it was a simple sentence.

"She needs to know. Hope Martin."

I scramble to my feet and yank the door open trying to see who left the note, of course there was no one there but an empty corridor. I closed the door again and looked down at the note in my hand, I had what I needed to get Maura to talk to me again, but I didn't know if I could use it. I decided to just let things be and let her live her life, there was no guarantee that I wouldn't hurt her again so I close my eyes and took a deep breath and walked to the kitchen where I had my computer and printer. I opened up a new document and typed out the solitary name Hope Martin in the center of the page and sent it to the printer to print. I thought about looking her up online and see what I can find so that I can make sure she wasn't some crazy person that could hurt Maura, but I pushed that thought back, Maura's words from a few days before came back to me. I was no longer her protector, I was nothing to her, nothing but a murderer, I didn't deserve to be a part of her happiness.

I had first thought about making a new email account and just sending the name to her but she could probably talked Frost into finding who the email belonged to. And the note was better, untraceable if I need it to be, and I needed to go out anyways, I was out of alcohol. I sat around looking at the printed note for a few more hours waiting for it to get dark, I knew that if I went out now there was a chance I would run into someone with questions I didn't want to answer. It was getting to be about nine at night when I was finally sober enough to leave my apartment. I took a cab, not wanting to risk driving, to Maura's house and had the cabbie dropped me off a few blocks down the road.

I slowly made my way up to her house trying my best to be silent and discrete, I made it all the way to the front of Maura's house without being seen by anyone. I heard a car driving up and I dove into the bushes hoping they didn't see me, the car was too loud to be Maura's Prius, so I kept a low profile and looked to see who it was. A handsome man got out of the car and walked up to the front door and gave it a gentle knock. Maura opened the door and greeted him with a big smile that made her face glow beautifully. I felt my heart tighten till it hurts and I wonder if she would have ever smiled like that for me. No, I thought. I can't think like that, not now, and not ever again. I looked up just in time to see Maura shut the front door and walked the the man back to his car, he held the door opened for her and closed it after she had gotten in and settle comfortably on the leather. He ran to the driver's side and slid into his seat and started the vehicle, I heard him say something to her before the door close and I can see as she threw her head back with a loud laugh as the car drove off.

I waited a few more minutes to make sure I was completely in the clear and ninja my way up to the door. I had double folded the note and wedged it in her door where she can see it easily when she gets home. I looked through the window and felt the ache in my heart knowing that I would never sit next to Maura on her couch laughing with her, trying to explain sports to her while complaining as she made me watch some documentaries of the discovery channel trying to explain to me what the show had left out. It was too much and I turned on my heel quickly trying to get away, not caring if anyone sees me out anymore. I was lucky and caught a cab at the end of the street back to my place, I had the cabbie drop me off at the corner of my street so I could run to the nearest liquor store. I bought a few large bottles of whiskey and a 24 pack of beer, as well as enough microwaveable meals to last me a month, maybe. The boy at the register looked at me funny but didn't say anything, and for that I was thankful.

I returned to my apartment and almost ran smacked into my neighbor. I gave her as warm a hello as I could muster and told her I was going out of town for a while so if anyone showed up looking for me, please tell them I wasn't home and I won't be back for a month or so. She hesitantly agreed and I thank her and went into my apartment and straight into the kitchen. I put all my meals into the freezer, the beer in the fridge and all but one bottle of Jack in as well. I went into the bathroom to change clothes and as I walked backed out I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My hair was greasy from not being washed, my eyes were still blood shot, and my cheek had sunken in a little from the lack of nutrition from the last few days. But as I kept looking I saw something more, something that made me want to hurl. I saw the face of a murderer, cover in blood, eyes dark and evil. I screamed in anger and smash my fist into the mirror, I pulled my hand back and looked at it, and like my nightmares, all I saw was blood, my hands cover in blood. I panicked and turn the tap to hot and ran my hands underneath the boiling water. I scrub and scratched at my hands trying to get the blood to wash off, little did I know that I was the one causing them to bleed even more, I was doing the damage but I didn't care, I just needed the blood to come off. All I heard in the back of my head was Maura's voice saying one thing over and over again.

"MURDERER."

I turned from the sink with barely enough time to reach the toilet before emptying out the contents of my stomach. I threw up until I had nothing left, tears rolling down my cheeks, and when I felt there was nothing left, I got to my feet and dragged myself back to the couch. I picked up the bottle of whiskey and popped the top, I didn't even bother with the tumbler as I chugged the amber liquid until I had to stop because I throat couldn't take the burning anymore. I slumped back on the couch again and looked up the the ceiling. Everything still hurts, I wanted it to stop and that is gonna be my goal for the next twenty eight days, I want to feel nothing, to have everything shut down or be myself again, badass Jane Rizzoli. I knew that the latter wasn't really an option, I can't be that Jane Rizzoli anymore, so I'm aiming for the shutting down part.

As the days went by, I begin to feel less and less anything other than the emotional pain I'm trying to drown away. It's funny how I can start to forget everything but how much I hurt, I'm beginning to even forget why I'm hurting, just that I am. A week, or at least I think a week went by before I heard a loud banging on my door following by a key in the lock trying turn it and then more banging. Then I heard screaming.

"JANE CLEMETINE RIZZOLI! YOU OPEN UP RIGHT NOW OR ELSE I'M GONNA HAVE THE WHOLE BPD COME BREAK DOWN YOUR DOOR!" Oh great, it's the tempest know as my mother. I don't answer hopping that she will just leave, no such luck and the banging keeps going. "I SWEAR JANE, WHEN I GET THIS DOOR OPEN YOUR IN A WORLD OF TROUBLE YOUNG LADY!" I heard shuffling then a quiet voice outside my door and I release a small sigh of relief.

"Hey Mrs. Rizzoli, Jane said to let you know that she took some time off and that she was gonna be out of town. She looked like she was in a hurry the last time I saw her so I don't think she's in there." My neighbor said quietly to my mother.

"She did WHAT? I wish she would have said something to me about it, having me all worry and what not. Thank you honey, did she say how long she was gonna be gone for?" My mother calmly asked even though her voice didn't show any calm at all.

"I think she said about thirty days." My neighbor sounded a little scare but I would be too facing hurricane Angela.

"Ok, thank you sweetheart. I wish she would have told me though, I worry about her sometimes." I snicker hearing that coming out of my mother's mouth. How about all the time Ma.

I finally hear the sound of footsteps moving further away from my door and breath a sigh of relief at my mother's departure. Well that was easy, I gotta remember to thank whoever that was that made that easy. Now back to the not feeling thing, I picked up the brand new bottle I brought out, hell I brought all the bottle out so I wouldn't have to go back for more, and popped the top to that one as well and took a long swig. I lazily smiled in delight when I felt the darkness begin to grab at me again, luring me back into oblivion. Before I lost consciousness I prayed that when I woke I would feel what Maura had called me, nothing.

_I know, I'm an ass for stopping here and this is pretty short, but this is it right now for Jane's side, next chapter will be Maura's thought but it's gonna start the day Jane's thirty day is up. I promise I won't leave out what happened but if I keep going the way I am now… Jane is gonna be abuse so much more and I want to save Jane… well for now. I have most of the story already plan out so I know where I'm going with this. I'm also kinda against things settling too quickly, I like the trials and tribulation one must go through to realized what kind of damage words and action can cause. So please bare with me and I promise to try to make it worth your while._

_In the mean time… please feed the reviews monster and let me know what you think might happen. As I said, this is my first story ever and I want to make it a good one. Thank you all so much for the attention and reviews, you guys are all great._


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

_I know that I said Maura's side was up next but I figure I throw in a little bit of Frankie's side too and why Jane had actually got thirty day of silence without anyone bothering her. People always goes through extreme to be in her business so what would Frankie do if his sister was actually somewhat honest wit him and asked that he help her just get some rest._

Frankie's POV

It's been a long day, long and boring. Besides the one murder case it seems like Boston finally decided to give the blue collars a day off, and with not much else to do and all my paperwork done for the day, I decided to go up the the bullpen and check on Jane. I worry about her these days, since the incident at the warehouse, her and Maura haven't been talking much… ok, not at all, and I see the what it's doing to my sister even when she's trying so hard to not let it show. She's quiet these days, her smile, when she does smile, doesn't reach her eyes. She's been skipping family dinners by volunteering to work when she doesn't have to.

Janie's always been my hero, even as kids she was always there for me not because she had to, but because she wanted to. I was the oldest boy, I was suppose to watch out for Tommy and her, but Jane's always been the protector, getting in trouble because she took the blame for something that Tommy and I did. I miss my big sister, the smart mouth, sarcastic, badass Jane Rizzoli. This thing with Maura is killing her but being Jane, she's trying to be strong for everyone, not letting her pain pull the rest of us down. She told me to be nice to Maura, and no matter what happens she's family too, but I don't know how long I can keep going at it, watching her die every time she looks at Maura and is ignored. Maura might be family, and she might be the nice sister, but Janie was my hero, and like every child, I don't ever want to see my hero fall.

I walked into the bullpen and looked around not seeing Jane anywhere so I walked over to Frost's desk instead to see if he knew where Jane was.

"Yo Frost, where's Jane?"

Frost looked startle as he looked up at me, his eyes was shinning with unshed tears, and it looked like it took all of his effort to not let them fall.

"Hey Frankie, uh Jane? Uh… you just miss her man, she left a few minutes ago. I think Cavanaugh gave her some time off." He said pretty quietly to me.

"Ok… you ok man? You look like shit." I asked hopping to get anything from information from him as of why the rest of the squad room kept looking at me kinda funny.

Frost got up from his desk and motion to Korsak, he then came around his desk and grabbed me by the elbow and walked me over into one of the interrogation room and sat me down on the chair inside. Korsak walked in behind him and shut the door and lean his back against it. They both sat down and I was surprise when Korsak was the one that started talking.

"Look Frankie, something happened before you got here and I think what ever wall Jane had up to protect herself around here came crumbling down, hard." I looked at him waiting for him to finish. He took a deep breath and continue. "I don't know what's going on with her and the Doc, but the good Doctor just tore Jane a new one in front of the who squad room. She yelled at her and told Jane that she was nothing to her but a murderer."

As soon as he said murderer to describe Jane I jump up off my chair so and slam my hands on the desk hard. "My sister is not a murderer, she did her fucking job, to make sure that herself and Frost didn't get shot. She is a cop, she did what she was trained to do. Don't you dare ever used that word to describe her, EVER!" I shouted at Korsak.

Frost came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder. "Hey man, that's not what he meant, Korsak's just trying to tell you what happened, he would never call Jane a murderer."

I whipped my head back and Frost and then slowly looked at Korsak again. I nodded mutely and took my seat again and try to calm myself before saying anything. Frost and Korsak quietly waited for me, not saying anything.

"No but Maura would, but honestly, I would rather Jane have murder a thousand people as long as she was the one that came home. She doesn't deserve what she's getting from the Doc. I know Maura's pissed but she has no right to say things like that to Jane, and in here no less. She might have done the one thing that none of us have ever managed to do, and the one thing I don't think I can ever forgive her for."

Korsak sat down next to me and looked at me knowingly, but at the lost look on his face, I looked at him feeling the tears forming up and threatening to fall and with a shuddering breath I said, " She humiliated Jane and in doing that she took away her pride, and I can never forgive anyone who hurts my sister like that."

I didn't even spare them another glance before I rushed out of the room towards Jane's place. I think I broke every speed limit in the city trying to get to Jane and make sure she was ok, I got there and didn't see her car anywhere so I bolted up the stairs to her door and pound on it for a few minutes. After hearing nothing from inside, I thought about leaving but I decided that I was gonna see my sister today no matter how long I had to wait. So I went back downstairs and sat on her steps waiting for her to come home. Thankfully I didn't have to wait for long because I already got some funny looks from some of the residents from the building and passerby as of why a uniform cop was sitting on someone's front steps.

Jane came around the corner and I gave her a small smile to let her know that I had heard what happened at headquarters. When she looked at me I saw that her eyes were still red and a little swollen, I can feel my anger starting to rise but I tried to hold it down for Jane.

As she sat down our shoulder touch and I felt a sense of relief that she was still gonna talk but a little scare for her at the same time because I really didn't remember the last time Jane seek physical contact from anyone other than Maura. We started talking and I was surprise when she admitted to me that she wasn't really ok and that she actually was taking time off. I don't think I've ever seen Jane took time off except for the two incident where she was hurt. I cringed when the memories surfaced of Jane hurt because of me.

I agreed to watching Jo for a while and I let her know that she was my favorite sister and that I was always here for her if she ever needed anything. I can see the look in her eyes and I know she wanted to say she was my only sister but realized that Maura was still family. And she's right, Maura was also my sister, but Jane was blood and blood will always win out with me. I even agreed to try to get Ma to stay away so Jane will get some time to herself, but knowing our Ma, that wasn't gonna be easy.

We went upstairs and Jane led the way into her apartment, as soon as she clear the door I heard Jo Friday come running to her trying to get some affection from her owner. Jane gave the pup the first real smile I've seen in months and my heart warmed, at least she had someone who would never judge her in her life, someone who will always love her no matter her faults and will never voice anything but love, and maybe some grouchiness to go out and get food. I took Jo from Jane and gave her one more hug and was very surprise when she didn't pushed me away when I went to kiss her cheek, and walked outside to my car.

The next two weeks were very tense, I talked to Ma and she of course yelled and freaked out about Janie, she was worry about Jane doing something stupid and after a long screaming match, she agreed to stay away, for Jane's sake. A part of me knew she was lying but I wanted to believe that she wasn't. I ran interference with Frost and Korsak, they had wanted to check up on Jane her first week of leave but I told them that if they kept pushing, she was going to shut down, like what happened with Hoyt. I knew I hurt Korsak saying that, he still blames himself to this day and still not completely understanding Jane's request for a new partner after it was over. Frost agreed only because he was scared that Jane might do the same to him if he pushed and he didn't want to lose her as a partner. I told them to just let her be and she'll come back, she always had before, so this time should be no different and they believed it, they didn't have a choice.

I had thought I was keeping an pretty tight reign on my mother until I walked into the cafe before the start of my shift to hear my mother asking Korsak if he knew anything about Jane taking a vacation out of town. I was furious, she had given me her word that she wouldn't go over there and cause a ruckus. I stormed over to where they were standing and grabbed my mother more roughly than I had intended to and dragged her to the storage room. The minute the door close I lost it and went off on my mother.

"WHAT THE HELL MA! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM HER!" I told a deep calming breath when I saw my mother's lower lips shaking like she was about to cry. So I lower my voice and tried to stay calm. "Jane needs time, Maura really hurt her by staying away and there were things that happened that you know nothing about. Just give her the time she needs Ma. Do you really want her to push us away again like what happened after Hoyt."

I knew that I was bringing up a sore subject for her but right now I don't really care about her feelings. I need to protect Jane, like she's always protecting me.

"Just let her be, she'll come back when she's ready."

"What if she doesn't?" Ma asked me so quietly that if we hadn't been so close I would have missed it. "She's falling and I can't help her, she won't let anyone help her. Why does she have to be strong all the time, why won't she ask for help?"

"She did Ma, she asked me and your making really hard for me to help her." I finally ground out.

I know that after this I'm gonna have to get Tommy to keep an eye on our mother so she stays put. I turn to leave and as my hand turn the knob I spoke just loud enough for my mother to hear.

"She's not falling ma, Janie's a hero and heroes don't fall. I know Janie's not invincible, she's still human so she's allowed to stumble. But to me and even Tommy, she's a hero and heroes are not allow to fall." I stepped out letting the door close behind me with my mother still inside knowing that I had lie to her. In my heart, Jane is invincible and she's never stumbles, never fall, but if she ever does, I will always be there to catch her.

_This chapter feels a little weak to me but I'm happy with it. This is a nice piece until I can figure out Maura's frame of mind. Thank you for all the reviews and comments. _


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Maura's POV

I bolted up from my position in bed, hand to my heart trying my best to calm the painfully rapid pace feeling like it wanted to jump out of my chest, my brain not fully processing that the action was logical impossible in my state of panic. Another nightmare that I can't remember much of, but of what I can remember cause another break of tears. There was so much blood, multiple voice of anger and anguish all around me, trying to get my attention. But I couldn't put a face to any of the voice, their owners whole being shrouded in shadows. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of pain and fear, no life line, and no way of knowing which way was up so I can surface and take a breath of needed air. A hand reaches out to me, hard, callous, and scarred, gently pulling me to the surface, as I break the surface and got my first glimes of the owner of that hand, I stood and looked at her. I know it's her, I'll always know, the figure was tall and slender, the unruly curls that runs down her back, but her slump figure looks so defeated, but her eyes, they weren't the same. I see her mouthing words that I cannot hear, her eyes weren't looking at me, they were looking through me. I reach my hand out to her, palms facing up and see her slowly move her hand to hoover above mine, but as I went to entwine our hands together, I felt something warm and wet dripped onto the center of my palm. I looked down and saw blood dripping from her finger tips, I yank my hand away quickly and held it to my chest. She slowly pulls her hand back and looks at it and it's twin and her eyes opens wide in terror. Her hands were cover in blood, the blood then started to cling and climbs itself up her arms, it pooled onto her shoulders and before either of us knew it, she was covered in blood. She looked up at me her eyes so empty and full of pain, her body started to crack, the blood running to the ground, then as her body shattered to nothingness, I felt myself fall back into the water as darkness engulf me. I know there is more to my dreams than that, so much more. The events I remember were in quick flashing pieces, like a television show that was coming in and out due to a bad cable connection.

I sighed and looked down at myself, my body was soaked in sweat, my pajamas clung to me like a second skin. I ran my hands through my hair, it was matted to my face and scalp with sweat also, I looked back at the pillow my head laid on and saw the wetness that my nightmare induce tears had cause. The nightmares have become a constant companion every time I closed my eyes in slumber, whether they be five minutes or five hours, they are content in plaguing along side with my feelings of guilt during my waking hours. But I feel that I have nothing to feel guilty about, my emotions are as expected of someone who had just suffered a lost. I felt that my birth mother had been taken from me for a second time, and like the first time, I was never given the chance to know her. And this time again it was by someone who had assumed that their actions was to protect me, why can't people understand that I don't need to be protected, I am not weak. I am the Chief Medical Examiner for the State of Massachutses, I am smart, and strong. I am not the damsel in distress that needs her white knight in shinning amour to ride up on his horse to save the day.

I shook my head to try to clear the anger that was building up, I didn't want to be angry, it was not a trait my mother had taught me a lady should have. I looked over to my bedside table at my alarm clock, the angry red letter flashing only five thirty, the sun hasn't even started it's ascent above the mountains yet. A piece of paper neatly folded laying next to the alarm caught my eyes, I had looked at the name neatly printed on the stark white paper last night before bed. I had looked at it every night since I had found it wedged into the side of my front door twenty eight days ago.

I came home from a dinner with an old friend that I had attended medical school with and had found it neatly slipped into my door jam.

James was in town for a conference and had asked me if I wanted to have dinner with him to catch up, and since I had no other plans, I had readily agreed. He was a handsome man in his youth and time had been nothing but good to him, he was tall, dark skinned, jet black hair at was brushed back in a clean and conservative cut, and even as an accomplished neurosurgeon, he did not let his busy schedule keep him from the gym, and as I went to hug him, I was appreciative of his commitment. We had a nice dinner and reminisce about the good old days, when things where so much simpler. During dinner, the wine helped loosen our tongues and he had admitted to me that he had a crushed on me in school but didn't act on it due to how devoted we both were to accomplishing our goals to become doctors. After the admission it was easy for me to invite him back to my place after the bill was paid for a nightcap. I knew there was going be more to the nightcap then just coffee and conversation, but I needed some type of release to get over what had happened earlier that week. I needed to regain some type of control and I knew that James could help with that.

We made it back to my place at a pretty subdue pace, there was no sense in rushing something we both wanted, we had plenty of night left. On the drive back, my mind started to wander back to what had happened in the squad room two days before, I didn't know what had happened, I didn't know why I was so angry, but I knew a part of me made a mistake by raising my voice in front of everyone like that. But just because I felt bad didn't mean I was feeling guilty for what I did, I don't. Everyone is entitle to loose themselves due to stress and overwhelming emotions every once in a while, right?

I was so deep in thought that I didn't even realized we were back at my place until James came to my side and open my door for me, he was a real gentleman. I smiled at him and took his hand to exit the vehicle, but I didn't let go of his hand as we made our way up the the front door of my house. I finally had to let go when we made it to the door so I can search my purse for my keys, James stepped up behind me and wrap his arms around my waist and nuzzle his nose into my neck, inhaling deeply.

"Wow, you smell amazing Maura, I can't wait to see what tonight holds for us." He mumbled into my neck.

As I retrieved my keys from my purse and went to unlock the door, I saw a folded piece of paper in the door jam and reached for it. I had figured it was just another advertisement of sort, so I took no interest as I unfolded the paper, but I frozed when I saw the solitary name in print. James notice as my body tensed and pulled back thinking he had done something wrong.

"Hey, are you ok Maura? Nothing has to happen tonight that you don't want to happened. It's ok, I understand." He looked at me.

I looked into his eyes and all I saw was understanding and I felt bad that I had to send him away tonight. "I'm sorry James, I know you were looking forward to this."

"No Maura," He cut me off, "I was looking forward to having dinner with you and to catch up, and I got that. Anything else would just have been a bonus. Good night Maura, I hope we can do this again soon. The dinner that is." He gave me a smile that would have made most girl swoon and retreated to his car. With one last wave through the window, he drove off into the night, leaving me still standing on my door step with a piece of paper in my hands.

I rushed into the house and looked around to see if anything had been moved, nothing had been touch, but I guess if someone came in, they would have left the note inside the house instead of my front door where it could have blown away. Now that I know my home wasn't broken into, my mind wonder back to the note and who would have left it for me.

There was only one other person that knew this name, but he had disappeared and went into hiding. Would he risk his freedom to make things right with me, maybe he had someone do it for him, one of his men. No he really wouldn't risk a goon knowing where I lived, he wanted to protect me and this would have put me in danger. I also don't think that Paddy Doyle was also one to do something if he wasn't getting anything in return. The note was left anonymously so it means who ever did it didn't want to be identify. Only a few people I know would do something like that, I thought about Frost, Frankie and Korsak but brushed off the idea of it, Paddy would never have trusted them. So that really left only one person left, Jane.

Thinking of her brought fresh tears to my eyes, what I did, the things I said to her, they were meant to hurt her. I was well aware of what I was saying but I couldn't stop myself, I couldn't stop the anger that seeped out of me whenever she was near, uncontrollable rage towards the last person I ever wanted to hate. But that was what happened, I felt hate towards Jane. I hated her for telling Dean about the Paddy being in town, I hated her for running to him, I hated her for ignoring me when I yelled at her to not shoot Paddy, and I hated her for taking for taking my only chance to find out who my birth mother was. She took away the one thing that I had been searching for, the answers to why I was the way I was.

But Jane was the best person I had ever met, and I knew that this was her doing. Only she would do this for me without asking for anything in return, only Jane would not use this as leverage to get back to me. She was selfless as always and I hated her for it, why couldn't she just be like everyone else, think about herself for a change and just put her feelings first. I knew the answer to that question before it even finish forming in my head, because she was Jane Rizzoli, plain and simple.

It took me another week to gather the courage to find Jane and ask her about the note, but when I went up to the bullpen, she wasn't at her desk. Everyone looked at me with anger in their eyes, even Detective Crowe looked at me with distain that I had never seen before. But I guess I did hurt one of their own, and no matter what their feelings were for each other, the men and women in blue will always protect their own. I looked in the direction of Detective Frost and Detective Korsak, but the both looked away refusing to meet my eyes. They were right not to, Korsak saw Jane like a daughter and Frost saw her like a sister, I knew that I would not get their whereabouts from them. So I decided to suck it up and go ask the one person who had always seem to know where Jane was.

I walked into the Division One Cafe and saw Angela talking to Lieutenant Cavanaugh, as she looked up and saw me, she waved me over. I release a breath I didn't know I was hold and walked over to her as quickly as my heels could carry me.

"Hello Angela, how are you doing today?" I asked her casually.

"Hi sweetheart, I'm doing very considering I'm aging faster than I should because of the stress my children are causing me, all of them." She look me directly in the eyes on her last words and Lt. Cavanaugh took that as his queue to leave. "What can I get you hon?" Angela asked me softly, I can hear in her voice that she meant more than just what was in the cafe.

So I dove right in. "Actually, I need to talk to Jane, you wouldn't happen to know where she is would you?" I asked hoping to get an answer.

"I don't care what happened between you two Maura, I just want my girls to be happy and you can't do that if your both fighting." Angela's words made me wanted to cry, why was she being so understanding, did she not know of the things I said to Jane. As if reading my mind she continue, " Look Maura, my daughter is very hardheaded, but what people doesn't know is that she can be very fragile, she just refuse to let anyone see that. I know that you know that you hurt her, you were wrong in doing what you did, but we're all humans and we all make mistakes, just fixed it before it's too late." As she is speaking, Angela pulled me into a hug and pulls away a little as she paused then started again. "As for Jane, I was told that she took a vacation and left town for the duration of it. I stopped by her place yesterday and her neighbor told me as much, then I find out Frankie's taking care of Jo Friday. But whether she's there or not, she needed time and as much as I hate to leave her by herself right now, I'm gonna try my best to give my girls what they both need. So I'm here if you need anything, your my daughter too so don't forget that." Angela finished and turn to go back behind the counter so Stanley wouldn't yell at her for not working.

I looked at the calendar and realized that today was Jane's day back, 90 days without a word between us besides the very inappropriate outburst outside the squad room 30 days ago. I will get my answer from Jane today, I needed to start healing myself, but in order to do that, I have to at lease face Jane.

I got out of bed and started my morning rituals, by seven thirty I was out the door and on my way to headquarters. I went straight to the morgue, the note with the name burring a hole in my purse. I finish as much paperwork as I could and couldn't help but keep looking at the clock on my wall. About an hour later I found myself in the elevator making my way up to the bullpen, but as I enter the room, I once again saw Jane's desk empty so I decided to go directly to the source.

I walked into Cavanaugh's office without knocking and stood in front of his desk. "Sir? May I ask the whereabouts of Detective Rizzoli?" I tried to ask so as not to sound too demanding.

He looked up from his paper work at me, "No you may not doctor, Detective Rizzoli is not working on any cases right now, nor is she your patient so you don't have reason to need to be inform of her whereabouts." As he continue, my heart dropped. I knew this wasn't reasonable. "But because I need you to fix what happened with you two, I will tell you that Rizzoli called yesterday afternoon to request another week off. So she'll be back next wednesday." He said gentler this time.

I knew he didn't have to tell me but I'm glad he did, but knowing another week without talking to Jane will drive me to insanity. Even if neither of us is willing to start fixing what's broken between us now, I still need to note how she knew about my birth mother and why did Doyle trust her to deliver the name to me, and why she didn't want any credit for it.

As I went to leave Cavanaugh's voice stopped me, " Dr. Isles, You and Rizzoli are the best team I've ever seen in my career. You both complement each other's talent amazingly, so what ever this is, fix it. I've never seen Jane this broken before, ever, she's good at what she does, and she's my best detective. I'm not going to lose her, do you hear me doctor, I will give up my whole department before I give up detective Rizzoli. No one in this department will just let her go do you understand doctor?"

I nodded slowly, "Yes sir." I walked out taking his word for what it is, a threat that I would have to leave before she was forced to. I know I need to make things right, but I hope that it's not too late to get Jane to see it too.

I walked back to my office hoping in my heart that I didn't lose Jane, because when it came down to it all, I had the name for almost a month and I did nothing to look for my mother, or even look her up. I wasn't strong enough to do it because I didn't have Jane by my side pushing me, I realized she was the reason I did anything out of the norm, she was my strength and my courage, my reason for being happy. This realization cause me to burst into tears and I was glad I was in the safety of my office.

_Ok… finally done with this chapter. It's not over yet people, just because Maura's realized she was an ass, she still has to admit it out loud and that's just so hard. Her heart might have forgiven Jane but what about the rest of her. And Jane is no where close to being ok with anything. Still a lot of angst ahead and Frankie is still piss, Maura still can't forgive Jane for what happens, Jane is still broken, Angela is still trying to hold her family together. Stay with me and I'll promise it'll be good._

_Thank you for all the reviews, my goal is to make the readers feel the emotions of the character, because that's the whole point right, wanting to cry because they're hurt, laugh with them? Still a long way to go people. Let me know how I'm doing, any input is good input for me_ _and ideas makes me happy._


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

I woke up to the buzzing of my phone and my hand blindly search under my pillows for the source of the offending sound. My eyes opened slowly as they tried to adjust to the bright light emanating from my cell phone screen, it was a text from Frost welcoming me back to work and that we had a case as well as the address of our latest crime scene. Another incoming text from Frost asked me if I needed a ride, I thought about it for a second and send him a message saying I was going to meet him there. I know he wanted to see me, make sure I was ok and see if he would need to run interference at the scene in case of, well, anything. I silently thank him for that but I'm ok, I needed to be, and I'll deal with things as they come.

I slowly slipped out of bed and made my way out of my bedroom in the darkness with nothing but the light of my phone guiding me. It was pointless, even in the dark I could navigate this room without a problem, mostly because it was completely empty of everything except my bed and one nightstand that held my phone charger and an emergency colt .45 pistol. Actually, as I thought about it more, I couldn't even turned on the lights if I wanted to, since I had took all the light bulbs out of the room, and the bedroom closet after my little cleaning fest over two weeks ago. The windows where also boarded up with some sturdy wood and had curtains on both side, the outside so people wouldn't think weird, and the inside had thick black curtains to keep the darkness in the room. I stopped right before I got to the door and looked in the direction of my closet, even without seeing it, I knew that the door was locked tight, and as if the handle lock wasn't good enough, there was a massive armor deadbolt on the sliders I had installed to make sure that no one would be getting into that room anytime soon, myself included.

As soon as I cleared the door of my bedroom, I slammed it shut behind me and locked it, I wasn't going to need my bed again anytime soon today. I made my way to the bathroom across the hall and went to turn on the shower, waiting for the water to heat up. I ran through my morning rituals of brushing my teeth and using the toilet. I exited the bathroom knowing the water wasn't yet at the temperature I had wanted it to be and headed for my hallway closet that was right outside my bedroom door. I pick out the clothes I would need for the day and set them on the back of the couch. I was thankful that the closet was actually pretty big and that I could fit a large size dresser inside for my underwear and other small things.

I headed back into the bathroom and was grateful that the water was pretty hot as I stripped and stepped under the spray. I made quick work of cleaning myself and washing my hair, I grabbed the towel of the hook next to the shower and stepped out to finish drying my self off. I picked up the clothes I was wearing and dropped them in the hamper in the corner of the bathroom on my way out, oh my mother would have been proud. I walked naked into the living room, Maura would have been proud, I shook off that thought as soon as it entered my head, it gave me a headache thinking about it, and got dress.

I looked around my apartment and survey my new living quarters, the place was pretty much bare except the bare essentials and I liked it that way. The living room was actually pretty big and was separated from the kitchen by a half wall coming up from the ground. The room held a large couch and a small love seat, an entertainment center with a big television in the center, a sound system with the base for my iPod, and a large coffee table between the couch and TV. Two end tables also sat at the ends of the couch, one connecting the ends of the couch and love seat. The kitchen had a pretty large refrigerator freezer combo, a double oven that was built into the wall next to a old style looking stove, a dishwasher underneath the large double sink, all stainless steel. The counter tops and island were made of white marble with a very nice looking gloss overlay, all thanks to the previous tenant slash my new landlord.

The apartment was on the top floor of the eight floor building so the kitchen had sliding glass doors that lead out the a rather large patio sized balcony with a beautiful view. The wall next to the door had a small doggie entrance that had a swinging door that I could lock and seal if ever needed. I had earlier in the week bought a large grass pad and put it outside for Jo so she could go do her business, just in case I didn't make it home in time to take her out. There was also a small room used as an office that was now filled with files that I had taken from work, mostly cold cases that I couldn't just let go. The table also held my laptop and it's one lock drawer held my service weapon and my badge.

I was shaken from my thoughts by the buzzing of my phone in my hand, it was Frost telling me that he had picked up coffee for the both of us and that I didn't need to worry about it. I smile a little at that, he was a good guy with a great heart, and he was gonna make some lucky girl very happy some day. My phone buzzed again alerting me of another incoming text as I was trying to pull on my boots. It was from Frankie welcoming me back to work, he also wanted to see if I would have lunch with him today and also to talk to our Ma so she'll stop yelling at him about my sudden disappearance. A week ago, my phone had died at least six times from the continuous incoming calls and texts for two days straight, it got to the point where I was just so annoyed that I ended up turning the damn thing off and leaving it off until last night. I had only turned it on because I knew I would need it for work.

After texting Frost, Korsak, and Frankie letting them know that I was coming back to work the next day I had gone online and Googled everything I needed to know about my phone and what it could do. I ended up setting my mother's ringtone to silent, for both calls and text. I think it was time I lived my life on my own, without the interference of my family, and I was so thankful to have this place literally dropped into my lap, thank goodness for connections and a lot of luck. I knew that after my month off of work, my family would start coming around my place again to see if I what was going on with me that I took another week off, so I'm pretty sure that they knew I had moved and my mother was probably beyond annoyed that I didn't tell her that I moved let alone where I moved to. My new place was in an area that most people would've never believed I could move to mostly due to the fact that I alone could never afford a place like this, and especially owning half of the top floor of the building. Well technically the whole top floor, but the landlord had kept the other side of the floor to herself for when ever she decided to come into town. I was grateful for that because it meant that I was alone for most of the year and had all the privacy I wanted.

I send an answer to Frankie letting him know that I had a case and would let him know about lunch. I walked into my office and pulled out my pistol, badge, and handcuff from the desk drawer and clipped them to my belt. I grabbed my jacket from the front closet and shrugged it on and walked out the door letting it lock on it's own. The front door had an electronic locks that locked itself whenever the door closed, a pin number was needed to unlock it from the outside, but from the inside you can just turn the door handle and it unlocks right away. The system didn't seem too secure to me at first but I was ok with it once I found out that the elevator needed a key to get up to this floor specifically, I was one of only three people that had the key to the floor, the others were the landlord and the security desk on the lobby of the building. I hit the button to call for the elevator car and waited for the it's ascend from what I assume it was the bottom floor. Once that double door opened, I stepped in and pushed the button for the underground parking. I don't really go through the lobby much because I don't have a mail box in this building, I figured if I got one, my mother would somehow talked the guys into finding my new sanctuary and coming running, and I definitely did not want that anymore. I had rent a box in a small 24 hours delivery slash storage company a couple of blocks from the building so I could go and pick up my mail when ever I took Jo for a walk.

The ding and opening of the elevator door signaled that I was at my destination, my thoughts once again distracted me, I have to get some control of them if I was gonna make it from now on. I walked to my car and once I sat firmly in the driver's seat, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and started my car and pulled out of my parking spot and for the parking structure gate. Once I left the building, I looked at my phone at the address that Frost texted me and made my way to the crime scene hoping that I will make it though the day in one piece.

_**Ok… sorry for the long wait, the Army decided it wanted to go camping in below zero degree weather for two weeks and take my happy ass with them, I could get internet or computer access so I haven't been able to do much. I do have the next chapter almost done. I just wanted to let you all know what's been going on with Jane the 5 weeks she's been gone. **_

_**Jane's first day back at work next chapter and everyone's reaction. It should be a lot longer than this chapter.**_

_**Thank you for all the feed back, you all are great. There will be no making up for a good bit, but if you keep with me it might get there, we'll see. But the person I started writing this for wanted to abuse the hell out of Jane and Maura, but mostly Jane for a good bit, and she is my muse so I have to listen… But all your inputs are also looked at, consider, and I'll even steer that way if it means a good story. Please stay with me and I promos to try to post more often and shoot out great chapters. **_

_**And as always, please feed the feedback monster. Your thoughts fuel me, even flamers, I might not like it, but it doesn't mean I'll be too offended by it and stop. Even bad reviews make great motivations.**_


	7. AUTHORS NOTES

To reply to some of my readers... as much of an angst queen my muse is... im not just abusing the ladies for no reason. She wanted to make sure that Maura sees what her pushing Jane will do to Jane and the consequences it will cause. Emotion is a big problem when your a soldier or a cop, both are very stressful jobs and you will always have one person in your life to anchor you, so when you lose that anchor, it takes a long time to get over it and move on... but no one ever tell the story of what happens or what could happens in between. My muse wants me to put my expierence while I was on deployment and the fact that my fiance cheated on me and my spiral into this story. So if you keep with me, things will turn out good soon. But I do thank you for all the words, kind or not Im good with it. At leasdt I know that people are reading. XD.


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