Glee 1. Trust

You think perhaps it's the sway of her hips that has your body pulsing along with the rhythm of your heart. It might be the way your name rolls off her tongue, so familiar but so unlike any way anyone else has ever said it in your life, that has tan hands sweaty and twitching. And perhaps, deep down, somewhere locked away inside of those highly built walls of yours, you knew this was going to happen sooner or later.

But you being you, stubborn, ignorant, and egotistical you pretended that this would never happen. It's what you do. It's what you've always done since well, forever.

* * *

It all started back in seventh grade when you broke your damn leg on that court doing your morning drills. Four weeks, two days, and 18 hours before your impending move to Lima, Ohio. Right at this point in time three things cross your mind respectively. 1) Why am I staring at the ceiling? 2) Who the fuck spilled water and didn't clean it up, swear to god, if it was Alex. 3) Oh, _wow_, ouch hi leg. I hope you're only just sprained.

Though even as the last thought crossed your mind you knew that something was wrong. Even after your crazy ex-military basketball coach throws an icepack at you and says it's a little sprain. And through the day as that 'little sprain' gradually kept swelling no matter how much ice and elevation you gave it throughout the day. Or at 3:15 when you plop down in the passenger seat of your mothers burgundy Mercedes Benz and she tells you to take a couple of aspirin.

You especially know that shits wrong when your 'Doctor' comes back the next week with your evaluation saying it was just a really bad roll, as he types away on his phone not bothering to look at you as you sit on the examination chair. It's two weeks later when your right leg is bruised and still achingly swollen when an underpaid nurse calls you to tell you that the doctor got the x-rays mixed up with the kid next door and kindly lets you know you've been walking on a broken leg and fractured foot for a good three weeks.

You aren't even mad. Not really, because you're used to people screwing up, screwing your life around. But a part of you just snaps. The last week of school at LORMS is spent with your ridiculously rapid rise from being the school's most well-known social outcast and kick-ass fighter, to the most popular, liked, and known person strolling down the halls crutches in tow. People you once declared your enemies now huddled around you, providing the best seats, ideas, following to your every whim and command, and it felt amazing.

But as you walked the hallways with your "friends" and noticed hidden in the shadows the people you once conversed with, the small seed of internal loneliness began to sprout. And on your last day, as everyone who 'befriended' you went on their way home, and that small outcast group you once felt the most contempt with sat talking aimlessly under the entrance, that little seed had spread like wildfire, devouring every fiber of your being, numbing you, freezing you from the inside out. Alone, it was how you came that morning, and also how you left, without a good-bye or a second glance back.

It had only been three years before _that_ when your life started that pendulum in motion. You don't remember what the date was, only that it was a Saturday morning, and your tired brown eyes opened to the sound of yelling. The old worn couch scratchy against your skin, as you silently shifts over to see what the commotion is about when it happens. And it happens quickly. The knife you secretly kept under the cushion is gripped in your left hand as your father's right hand grabs your mother's neck and pushes her against the wall as he continues to yell.

Somehow of the corner of her eye your mother see's you and whispers to quietly go in your room. Its only three minutes later to what feels like hours when you're broken mother comes in your room sobbing and beginning to pack your clothes. You want to tell her to stop and ask her what's going on. But you don't. It's not the Lopez way, at least that's what your father always told you. It's also precisely 5 minutes and 27 seconds later when your mother places your bags in the car and her single bag in the back seat when she turns to face you and said four simple words.

_He kicked us out._

The 10 year old you doesn't understand. Your father loves you, and he promised you would never have to leave. You want to tell her this but she's already shut herself off. As your green-blue pearlescent Suzuki pulls back of the driveway and turns out of the cul-de-sac and you see your childhood friend stands on the corner confused, is when you feel alone for the first time in your life.

So when you're pulling onto the highway halfway through seventh grade with a broken leg to start a new life in Lima, you aren't really surprised by the lack of emotion that comes to you. You don't cry or show any sadness 'cause that's a big fat No in the Lopez way. Because somewhere, sometime, someplace, someone of the Lopez clan decided that feelings made you weak and weakness was bad, and anything bad meant you were unworthy of the five lettered last name.

When you're shaken awake by the rough hands of your stepfather telling you to get your ass out of the car you can't help the immediate scowl on your face, or the sharp pale hand that comes milliseconds later in attempts to slap it right off. It's moments like these that you wish that at 10 years old you would've spoken up all those years ago when your mother packed your clothes away. Even when she told you that you were kicked out of your own home and you desperately wanted to ask _why_ you were being kicked out but kept silent, you wish you had. Maybe, if you had, you wouldn't be stuck here now with this shit excuse for a mother and her _husband_. But the past is the past and no matter how hard or badly you may try to change it, you can't.

After a while you just give up trying to find the good in things, and it doesn't bother you that much either. You're pretty sure if anyone were to open you up they'd find an empty shell of someone you used to be- _could've been._ And the thought makes you chuckle to yourself mentally. It's hard to care for things, and it's sad for someone so young to have already given up, but you figure there's not much left to give anyways.

Shutting out people became second nature to you, nearly first. Smiling was rare, hell any show of emotion was rare. But after years of Marc's (mother's _lovely _husband) 3-6 hour arguments, it was simply just easier to lose yourself. But then that didn't quell his never-ending alcohol induced anger but only spurred it on. And it grew, tenfold. He'd figured out why you're always unresponsive to his threatening advances, his screaming and yelling, so he broke you. He found the miniscule cracks in your defense system and he used them against you. So when you did react he finally had that smirk of satisfaction. But it wasn't enough. Nothing was ever enough.

There was no such thing as trust in your mind because everybody would betray you at one point or another. So then you pull up to Lima Middle School January 8th, 2010, you keep your entire self-guarded. You glance around the guidance office to see four other kids here with their parents. One of them catches your eye, she's Asian, short, dark, and almost just as stoic as you are, and you think you two might be able to get along well. But then again, that would require you to open up, and you can't afford that.

Its three days later when you actually end up starting at Lima Middle. The Asian is there again and you guess she's new as well. She makes the first move that day by handing you her schedule as you get your tour around the school, half of your classes are together and you see it as a plus. Her name's Tina and you have a lot in common from what she's told you, though you don't admit it out loud. By the time the second period bell rings the tour is over and you are sent on your way to class, Tina by your side since you have it together.

You've been rocking the single crutch lately because you aren't going to hobble around like a complete cripple, broken leg or not. Tina and you spend majority of class time doodling or passing notes about impersonal topics. Soon enough it's lunch time and you split with your new acquaintance to go check out the locker you've been assigned and organize it a bit before eating.

The hallways are crowded with noisy obnoxious not-quite-teenagers and you can already feel the migraine starting to build. You manage to get everything situated in a matter of a few minutes, but there are still a lot of people around. You're about to make your way to the cafeteria when your shoulder is bumped and causes you balance to be lost. Two options appear in your mind about how to handle the situation.

Do you want to risk cussing the bitch out for bumping you and risk a beating from Marc or pretend it didn't happen and just give a really good glare? You choose the latter cause you aren't up for a fight tonight at 'home'. But just in case for future references you turn to see who the culprit behind the push was when you heart stops, which is funny to you because you thought you honestly didn't have one left.

A flood of warmth comes first when the beating returns, second is fear, third anger, because you've worked too hard to be weak again. So you shove those feelings back deep down. Back with everything else safely locked away from potential harm. Not knowing that later they'd all just be dug back out.

After lunch you have Spanish, which in your opinion is both great and outrageously stupid because you're already fluent. But an easy grade is a grade you'll take with no second thoughts. The teacher is nice enough, Puerto Rican, with a long ass last name, pearly whites, and harry potter fan. You're all situated at the new table when it happens.

'_They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that's true. What they don't tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up.' Ed Bloom_ couldn't have been more correct, even as a fictional character, because as she walked into the classroom time truly did freeze. But more so everything after that moment had passed and you were there with her, she was gone, and you were stuck there still trying to process what had actually just happened. Internally you were having the conflict of a lifetime, outside you probably looked as expressionless as you had all day.

To someone else they probably would've pulled a stunt like the main character in big fish had, but you weren't anyone else, and being a Lopez you most certainly didn't chase after anyone because of a moment, one that might not have even existed especially. So you play it of like the many other things you play off in life and continue through the third quarter of the school year, Tina still by your side.

She doesn't ask why you're so impeccably distant to her seeing how she's the only one you really talk to here, and you're glad because honestly you wouldn't know how to answer that question without opening yourself up, which won't happen if it doesn't have to. And you never ask her why she sticks with you out of everyone else in this school. It's a silent agreement and you're thankful about it.

A subconscious part of you is dying for something to go wrong, 'cause something _always_ goes wrong. It's just the way thing work, how your life works. You're glad the third quarter is over, that means you're 9 weeks closer to escaping to your father's home for the summer, away from Marc's bruising hands, and 9 weeks closer to not having to see _her_ for at least 2 months.

The new and final schedules come in and you see that someone in the office has taken you out of Spanish and put you in Music Appreciation. It's not much better but you don't complain, as long as you're somewhere, and it's okay, until it's not, because _she's _there too, and you laugh at the absurdity of it all. You were never a believer of anything until that moment because what are the odds. So it must be fate, or some otherworldly thing.

You're about to stalk off to the furthest corner until another familiar face appears, it's Tina and you feel more relaxed instantly. She beckons you over to her nook of the room and you greet each other as she tells you what the class is even about. The rest of the year looks like it won't be so bad after all,school wise at least.

You come home to the smell of alcohol and burnt food. It's not surprising anymore to find the house in this state, and lord knows you've given up trying to do anything about it. Your mother has the same look in her eyes when you find her on the living room couch staring into the air. It's the look she has when she told you that your father kicked you out. Which isn't true, he kicked _her_ out, but apparently in her mind that meant both of us.

You're about to tell her you don't care about whatever shit she's about to lay down on you because you've been putting up with this load of crap for almost four years when she cuts off your thoughts with three words. You've heard them before, twice actually, but this time there's no sympathy, and you think you might be a robot underneath it all.

_I have cancer._

And you said '_oh.' _Before you turned around and left her there on the couch and headed upstairs into your bedroom, locking the door behind you, before you sat on your bed. You wonder if something's wrong with you because nothing seems to have any type of effect on anything you do. Most daughters would sit down their mother and cry until there's nothing left. Instead you turn on the radio and reread your edition of Shockwave.

The next day of school is different, for the first time you initiate a conversation with Tina, you know it throws her off but she happily accepts the new occurrence, until she realizes what you said. "I think there's something wrong with me," you pause, inhale, and then continue "my mother's been diagnosed with cancer."

You can tell she's confused by the way her already squinty eyes narrow further to the point to which if you hadn't talked to Tina on a regular basis you'd think she were asleep. "I didn't really care when she told me, I just said _oh_ and then went upstairs a read a book," you exhale. "I think I'm broken." It's not a question, or a statement, more so a thought you've had floating around in your mind for mind, but now it floats in the air between you two.

"You might be depressed." She says after a while.

The both of you are quiet the rest of the day pondering over the conclusion she made. So when you get home you pull out your laptop and Google signs of depression. Most of the things fit you to a T, but you don't _feel_ depressed, or _upset, _because Lopez's aren't supposed to feel, so it can't be depression. Right?

You retell what you came up with to Tina and she nods her head occasionally to let you know she's listening without interrupting your rant. You're almost finished when you abruptly stop, and Tina's eyes bore into the side of your head with curiosity. You want to laugh because it's nothing that would be considered serious to a normal person, but right now you've managed to talk the most in a single session since moving here. So you let your lips pull up at the corner a little as you turn to look at Tina, and she seems to get it and lets a full smile show to your near non-existent one.

The both of you probably look crazy to the rest of the Music App. Class, but in that moment you don't care because it feels good for once. Your teacher's this mean crazy pregnant band lady and you withhold a sigh for whatever lame assignment she's going to give next.

"Class, listen up we're going to be doing a music project as one of your final grades, you will be partnered up," Tina turns to you with a smirk on her face because she knows the both of you together will ace this. "here's the catch," and the smirk instantly fades at those words. "I've already picked the groups." Groans across the room are let loose, omit yourself and well _her._

You don't pay attention to anything after that because you figure that whoever was assigned to work with you will come to you when they're ready. To your left Tina huffs and leaves her seat to go partner up with Rae. You know Rae's the biggest slacker in the school so you can't help but feel a little bad for your friend. It's when you're looking around at all the groups when you notice the hazel eyes that have haunted you since Spanish are missing. You pray that she's in the bathroom and her partner is sitting somewhere in the room awaiting return.

You're right about one thing out that prayer, her partner was somewhere in the room, but she wasn't in the bathroom, and nor was her partner somewhere else. You let loose a strangled breath as an ivory hand comes into view waving across your face, behind the blur, said girl you had hoped were in the bathroom.

"Look," she starts. And that voice, you think you might've died, because it's the most angelic thing you've ever heard. "I understand you don't talk much to, well anyone who isn't Tina, but as long as you do your part there shouldn't be any problems." As she speaks you take your time to observe her outfit, she's wearing a flowered lavender dress with silver flats and you can't help but feel underdressed in your dark blue skinny jeans, black hoodie, beanie, and Adidas.

You glance back up to see her looking at you expectantly, quickly you rack your brain to try and remember anything she had said that might've resembled a question but nothing pops up so you take a risk by clearing your throat and letting out a raspy "Yeah, sure." Her face changes from surprise back to a neutral state in a matter if milliseconds and you realize that her mask is artificial like yours and it intrigues you.

You want to know what's really going on under that blank expression, if her thoughts are sprinting around in her head like yours. Or why someone like her even needs a mask, she's everything you're not from what you've seen. You think you're about to get your answer when you see her start to open her mouth to speak again, but the bell rings and her mouth shuts. You feel something settle in your stomach, and you don't like it, because you shouldn't be feeling disappointed. That would require hope in the first place.

Forgetting she's still there in front of you, you sigh and pinch the bridge of your nose. When you release it and open your eyes again you see that she's still there, almost stuck like when you glance behind her towards the door and notice Tina in the hallway observing you both curiously. When you bring your attention back you sense something has shifted between the two of you and you don't know what it is. You bring your right hand up to scratch the back of your neck while your left grabs a strap of your book bag and slings it over your shoulder.

You glance left and right to avoid the deep swirls of green and brown still looking at you before you let out a very uncomfortable cough. It seems enough to snap her out of whatever state she was stuck in and you feel your body relax just a little bit. She hastily grabs her bag and heads out the door with a rushed _See you tomorrow,_ before she's out of sight. You catch up to Tina who's still in the hallway waiting for you, you can tell she wants to ask what the hell that was all about but to be honest you don't even know yourself so you just shrug and walk out to the busses.

That night you don't sleep because those damned eyes are still in your head.

It's Monday again when you see her sitting in class alone. It surprises you because you're usually the first one there. But what really gets you is how broken she looks. Blond hair fallen over her eyes, the slight hunch in her back as she curls into the knees tucked up to her chest, the small shakes to her petite frame. You feel bad, and it doesn't do anything but make you want to go over and wrap her in your arms for days. But you know you can't do that because time's running short and at any moment the others will be here too, so you softly knock on the door frame twice.

You feel a part of your heart break when you see the red in her eyes, a red that could only be brought on by crying. So you nod your head behind you and tell her to go to the bathroom and fix herself up before class starts and that you'll tell the teacher where you are. Her feet have returned to the floor and she just looks at you again, but this time you see her open curiosity and the part of her that's asking why you're doing this for her. You just shrug in return to the gaze and she stands up to head towards the bathroom, just before she passes you she pauses though and you wonder why. She places her hand on your shoulder before whispering a small _thanks_ and continues on her way.

You can still feel the burning sensation of her hand outlined on where she placed it on your shoulder seconds after she's left. Without realizing the first half-smile in a long time creeps its way onto your face and it feels good. The warmth only she really only seems able to bring, travelling through your body making it hum and buzz at the sensation. Tina comes in next and notices the change in demeanor but doesn't comment, the just shakes her head with an amused smile and beckons you over to your seats in the back of the class. She says it's weird seeing you do anything other than frown, and that she's glad that it wasn't a permanent thing, while overdramatically sighing a breath of faux-relief.

You nudge her and tell her she's ridiculous, and that maybe you aren't broken after all. She only nods in return before everyone else is in class. You tell her you'll be right back before you head over to the teacher to let her know of your partner's current occupation. She nods in acknowledgement before standing up in front of the class and 'dismissing' us into out groups so we can work on our projects in class once more before presentations tomorrow.

You decide that it's unlikely for your partner to come back after the state you found her in before class so you go ahead and do some research on your own about Grunge music history. You feel a tap on your shoulder and suddenly your body's buzzing once more, you don't need to look to know who it is because by the way every fiber is humming you already know. "Nice of you to finally join partner." You say, it's in as light of a manner as you can muster, because you don't usually joke around ever.

It's then when you think that you might've fallen in love even more, even though you don't know that's what it was you were doing at the time. The amused chuckle behind you ignited everything in you. It was no longer a tiny buzz but an overwhelming heat, and you liked it, a lot. She walks around and plops down right in front of you. You take in her features and you're sure if god had intended perfection she was the spitting image.

Apparently you let at least a smidge of that appreciation because next thing you know she's giggling and it's the cutest damned thing you've ever heard you want to ask what, but she speaks before you can. "You can take a picture it'll last longer you know." And she smirks. You think by the end of the day you might actually die because of this girl but you don't mind. You just roll your eyes and nudge her foot with your own.

The rest of the period goes by pretty fast and you get the feeling that she's grateful you didn't ask about what happened earlier even though its slightly apparently you still want to. The projects finished by the time the bell rings and she tell you just to be prepared to ask her questions about the subject and you're a little confused but nod your head anyway. You've already learned early on that you can't say no to her, but that's a secret as far as anyone's concerned.

It's presentation day and she's nowhere to be found. You're about to explain to your teacher that she's missing and would like to go tomorrow when you hear her voice behind you. "You didn't think I was going to skip this did you?" you can hear the smirk in her voice. You turn around to give her some sort of witty remark when your words get caught in your throat, and you're stuck there gaping like a fish out of water because damn, she's beautiful.

"Cat got your tongue there?" she questions with fake innocence and a wink. You're pretty confident you swoon when she gently takes her pointer finger and closes your jaw, you shake your head no and she giggles again. You probably look stupid but with the way her hair is ruffled and, how amazing the ripped jeans look on her legs, and how her gray oversized cut t-shirt hangs off her left shoulder you can't help it. "W-what are you wearing" you squeak out and you mentally slap yourself for how pathetic you sound.

"You're going to interview me while explaining grunge music. We agreed to it on that first day remember?" she replies. You nod your head yes but honestly you have no idea what she's talking about but it's too late to back out of whatever idea this is now. The presentation goes great and you're proud of the outcome, and you can tell your teachers impressed as well. Class ends and you're first out the door with Tina though cause you've been meaning to tell you about _feeling_ again.

You're about to delve into the conversation when a hand grabs your wrist and burns it. You stop and hold up a finger to indicate one moment to Tina's confused face before you turn your eyes to hazel. You raise an eyebrow playing limited interest even though you feel your whole arm tingling where her hand is still grasping. She drops your arm like lightning when she realizes that it was still in her possession before she reaches in her pocket and hands you your ring.

Her fingertips graze your palm and it causes heat to rise to your cheeks and you're glad for your dark complexion or else everyone would've noticed. You muster out a sheepish thanks, before shrugging your shoulders and beginning to turn around and continue on your way with Tina. You don't know if you imagine it or not but you swear a faint your welcome comes from behind you and that small little half smile appears once more as you slide your ring back on your middle finger.

You and Tina decide to walk back home so you can talk and you tell her all about the warmth, and how slightly relieved you are about not being a robot in the metaphorical sense. And you feel better than you have in a long time. You reach Tina's house and you're about to leave when you stop and turn around and shout at her to get her attention before she disappears inside. When she stops and raises her eyebrow you simply shrug once more and say "You're a good friend."

She's gives a bashful smile and a nod because the both of you know that there was a lot more to that stamen than what you said. It was a first open acknowledgement to your friendship, it was a thank you for being there, a I hope you'll still be there later on, but most of all it was an, I think I might trust you and I hope you might trust me too. But us being us, she knew and you didn't have to say those things aloud. So in return she simply says "You're not too bad yourself" Before heading inside.

It's four weeks later when you find yourself sitting at the dining room table across from you father back in Texas. Summer's been good so far and it's been relieving to get away from your mother and _Marc,_ though tenseness still settles between yourself and the man three feet away. You figure it's because of the unanswered questions you have, like why he kicked you out all those years ago, what happened that morning, can it be fixed. So you take a jab and it cuts through the air like a sharp knife. _Why'd I have to leave?_

Your father stops moving mid-cut and places the silverware back down on the plate in a gentle manner, it's unnerving because he is not a gentle man. His left hand rubs his five o'clock shave from one side of his face to the other. Eyes unguarded as a sigh escape his lips. "I never kicked_ you_ out mija. I kicked out your mother, that morning she came home in another man's shirt smelling of cheap alcohol and cologne. I was not to share a bed with a cheater so I asked her to pack her things and leave. I left to get you breakfast but by the time I got back you were already gone."

It angers you that she dragged you through all of this for her mistake. And you understand the difference between dislike and hate, and you know you hate her, your mother. It bubbles inside of you for the rest of the break and when you finally get back you ignore her existence.

When you see Tina again she's changed, you don't know what it is so you brush it off as vacation stories are told and explained. She says what happened with your mother is shit and you couldn't agree more. It's open house for 8th grade and Tina couldn't take you so you're back at the school with the person you hate. You see 98% of the students from last year with their parent's. Finn's grown into an awkward stage as Puck's gone bald, you want to laugh but it would take too much effort to. After getting your new school ID you wander into the cafeteria to get all of the papers situated for lunch.

You make it to the front of the line when you hear your mother talking to some lady behind you. Turning to inform her that she's wasting time your brain registers that she's talking about you and its pissing you off. "_She's been such a grouch since she came back from her fathers this summer, men what can you do with them," _You're about to snap when you hear a familiar giggle from behind your mothers new 'friend' and it causes you to freeze. You look to see hazel eyes laced with amusement and it causes heat to rise through your body, and you turn before she can see the flush occupying your cheeks.

You're back in the car when your mother speaks to you again. "That Judy woman was quite nice; they're the type of people you need to start associating with from now on Santanita. Her daughter is in your grade I believe, make friends with her it would do you better than that Asian girl that's always around." You don't give her the satisfaction of an answer as your look outside to watch the grass pass by in a stream of green. It's the first day of the new school and Tina's waiting in the usual spot. Schedules in hand you both let out a disappointed sigh because neither of you have classes together. The morning bell rings and the both of you head to your separate classes.

For the first two hours you have Algebra 1 at the end of the 300 hall. You enter the class to see it full of people you had class with last year. A short is man, most likely half black with glasses on tell everyone already there to just sit wherever you please. The room is aligned with partner science like tables, three along the far right wall against the windows and the rest evenly spaced facing towards the board in the room. You walk to the table second from the front and next to the first of three lining the windows, and sit on the left side.

Elbow space is basically a necessity when it comes to being a South Paw. Before you know at least half of the seats are filled omit the one next to yours and you think that this will be a good peaceful year. The people around you are having irrational loud bursts of joy to every new classmate that arrives and you just aimlessly doodle on the notebook in front of you. You hear the chair next to you being dragged back and you figure one of the other desks needed it so you continue what you're doodles.

That is until the added sound of a bag plopping on the ground next to the desk, another scoot from the chair, and a sigh comes from your right. Curious to who sat beside you, you turn your eyes to have them connected with the same amused entrancing hazel as before. To say you were confused is an understatement as you drag your eyes away and look around the room to see at least ten other unoccupied seats.

You want to ask her why she's sitting here instead of with her friends but decide against it, whatever her motives you don't want to be involved. Mr. D your apparent teacher introduces himself and the class before handing off the annual "getting to know you" papers. You're filling in the information when soft fingers thread through your own, catching you off guard.

You look at her but her head it faced down to the paper in front of her as her right hand scribbles in information, continuing as if her hand isn't entwined with yours. It unnerves you that you aren't unnerved about her hand being in yours, that it feels as if the pale hand is meant to be there. But you force yourself not to look into it, and don't comment on the fire that comes from her hands through yours and up your arm.

The next two hours are spent just like that, with her hand in yours lying idle in the middle of the tabletop. When the bell rings you untangle your hand gently, gathering your stuff and leaving towards your next class without a glace back. You can't allow yourself to glance back really. Your next class is art, you don't tell anybody but art is one of your favorite escapes 'cause you can let your feelings bleed into whatever it is you're doing.

The bell rings and it's time for lunch to begin. Tina's sitting with a group of people and seems to be enjoying herself. It makes you feel good that's she's happy but you know it's not really your place among her and those people so you grab a sandwich-to-go and find purchase under a tree outside. Within the next ten minutes your eyelids are closed as your ears absorb the rustling of leaves around you. The grass nearby begins to crunch and as seconds pass the noise gradually becomes louder before stopping to the right. It's a funny thing; how a body craves something so much it _knows_ when what it wants is around. So when another hand tangles once again with yours, this time away from others, you don't bother to open your eyes because you already know who's there. And it feels good, _really good._

"You still don't talk a lot I see. But I think I could trust you, one day, "she says. You don't move wondering if she'll continue or if she even meant to say it out loud in the first place. ", and, I think you could trust me too," another pause, then some shuffling and you can feel her eyes boring into the side of your head. So you peek an eye open at her, and perhaps she wasn't expecting it, perhaps she thought you were asleep because her gaze suddenly flickers to the ground in faux interest, and study her features.

You tug at her hand gently to get her attention and you can see as she hesitantly looks back to you. "One day, perhaps." And you see something pass, _relief_ maybe, and she nods and flashes a smile you've never seen yet. It could sure cancers, and end wars in seconds, and you want to do everything to see it again. _One day._

* * *

**A/N: hey there. so if you know my other story _Plight_ I'm kinda in a jam with it at the moment and really didn't like the way i originally wrote so I'm still trying to figure out what to do with that nonsense. but yeah. this was typically an introductory chapter of sorts going into Santana's background. its pretty much the groundwork of the story.**

**Uhhh. i don't know. i mean if you guys don't like this or in a weird case _do_ like it let me know and i'll continue if not it'll just be a weird oneshot of friendship fluff stuff. any questions feel free to ask, i'm interested an have more free time schooling just about out *_praise*_**

**_oh and thanks for taking your time to read it in the first place_**

**__A/N 2: things you dont need to read readers; Disclaimer yada-yada i don't own a really hot fictional blond with hazel green eyes but if i did we'd probably have hot tan hazel eyed babies but sorry, no cute babies here. **

**all mistakes are mine because beta seems confusing and im only so good at writing bite me. **

**-H.G.**


	2. Loss

Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit it openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worse, returned. But one thing about human beings that puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.

-Sigmund Freud

* * *

Then ending bell for lunch rings and the two of you stand up to go to the final class of the day. You want to ask her where her class is, and maybe if its close enough, suggest you would like to walk her to it. But the grip she still maintains on your hand as she almost drags you back onto campus lets you know that she might just be taking you there regardless if you would have offered or not. So when the both of you end up at _your_ classroom instead your extremely confused. Mostly because you never told her where it was, hell you never speak much around her in the first place.

She's hesitating at the doorway and it's undeniably adorable because you can see she's shy of something. Her cheeks gain the faintish tint of pink to them as she looks down at your still connected hands hanging idly between the two of you. "Well.. um… this is my class," she barely whispers. Your heart flutters in your chest at how damn cute she can be and you can't help the small laugh that escapes through your lips.

Her hazel eyes snap up to yours the instant it reaches her ears and the once small tint has bloomed into a full blush, and she's embarrassed. But it wasn't her you were laughing at, it was the entire situation. "What's so funny?" she asks, in what you assume was a failed attempt at an intimidating voice, but you just smile because geez, could this girl not get any more … well there isn't really a word to describe her.

"This is my class too," you reply, and she looks like she could've just won the lottery. Before you know it you're inside of the classroom sitting in a desk towards the back, hands still connected. It's comfortable.

The next few weeks pass by much the same. You don't see Tina much anymore, you figure she's with her new group, and happy, so that's enough to keep you from worrying. In the mean time you've begun to smile, and laugh more. There's really only one reason to that and it doesn't bother you. Some days come by and you're completely closed off and reverted back to the quiet person you used to be, but other days that old you is nowhere to be found.

Your fears still lurk in the shadows and you can feel them there waiting, slowly consuming your thoughts if left alone for too long. Every day for the majority of the days however your mind is consumed by the hazel-eyed blond usually by your side. You're starting to slip up, and it's becoming harder to push all of the other feelings away. And you're scared because this is what you've spent so long trying to avoid. Vulnerability.

"Hey," ah, the source of your internal conflicts. Not yet ready to talk you hum in response. She slips her hand into your and begins messing with the back of it. You've picked up over the past few weeks that it's a nervous habit of hers she does right before she goes to ask you a question. "You can ask you know," she looks a little shocked, assuming she probably wasn't expecting you to speak "I wasn'-" you give her the 'you aren't entirely too convincing in the moment' look and she just sighs. "It's nothing, it's stupid."

You see her turn her head away from you and it hurts to see her like this, so you untangle your hand from hers to gently cup her cheek and turn her head back towards you. "Hey, look at me," you say softly and wait for hazel to meet brown before continuing, "whatever you want to ask just ask okay, I won't think any of your questions are stupid, because _you_ are anything but stupid, alright?" she gives a gentle nod in response and the two of you remain sitting there gazes locked, hand still grasping her cheek.

She raises her hand and places it on top of yours over her cheek. And it feels like the longest moment, you think perhaps time had broken, but even so both of your bodies seemed to gravitate slowly towards each other. You see her take in a small puff of air before the morning bell rings and snaps the both of you out of whatever haze it was you were in. She moves back a little and brings the both of your hands down together before smiling at you as if nothing had ever happened. "Come on before we're late to class." And you nod in response before she pulls you once more, into the school.

The two of you never mention what happened that morning of the almost-possible-kiss, and you figure you would only talk about it if she brought the subject up first. You do admit that the rest of the day after that felt like there was a giant elephant into the room attempting to suffocate you but as time went by you learned to drop it as you did with many other things.

The two of you fight for the first time on a Friday, she's irritated at you for always being more closed up recently but you can't help it because it's _that_ time of the year when you lost the most important person in your life. It was your great aunt. A sweet old lady, who always looked at things with optimism and saw the best in people. Your father said it was an asthma attack that had killed, peacefully, in her sleep. It was a sudden thing, and you had never got to explain to her how much she meant to you or the many other things you wanted to talk about.

So you burrowed yourself away so _she_ couldn't see your weakness because in your mind it's pitiful. But that only serves as a one eighty degree kick to the gut. It's a backfire because here you are listening to her half yell at you about why you can't just _let her in._ You want to explain to her why you're so damn broken, but your pride gets in the way and the alter-ego you makes its appearance.

It snaps at her, face emotionless, voice full of spite and on the inside you're screaming at her to understand it isn't you saying these things, that you don't mean it. But when it barks out the cold _you don't know shit about me Blondie, _and her once caring eyes close off and any traces of the girl that was once there leaves you know things have changed.

And the _you're right I thought I did_ that leaves her mouth before she turns around and stalks off nearly kills you inside. And you aren't ready to lose her, cause she might be the best damn thing that's happened yet, so your feet run after, hand grabbing at her pale wrist begging for her to stop. Along with the desperate _please stops and I didn't mean its_, but she doesn't stop and you know it's a losing battle. So your feet stop following her and your hand releases its grip to watch her walk around the corner and away from the friendship you tried so hard to keep.

When you get home that day it's the start to a long weekend of self-loathing. It's the first time you went back not awaiting for the next day in months, but now instead, you're dreading what will happen Monday morning. That weekend was spent in a blacked out room with the only comfort of a bed.

Monday morning arrives and you feel just as lost as you did when your father 'kicked you out'. The routine that was once the favorite part of the day no longer there because the friendship that was once there also no longer exists. She doesn't avoid you but she sure as hell doesn't acknowledge your existence and it hurts more than it should.

You try multiple times to talk to her when she finally gives in but it isn't in the way you had hoped for. It comes in the way of a _just leave me alone Santana, I'm tired and I can't do this with you right now._ And so you quit trying to talk to her, trying to fix what was broken.

The next two weeks continue much the same and you feel like shit because you might as well be invisible to her. You get to school and slug through the first half like a zombie. You've given up on everything relating to her but it doesn't stop your mind from thinking about her at every possible point or the aching pain in your heart when she hugs every other person acknowledging them.

You're out last of your class walking slowly down the hallway towards the cafeteria. Right hand trailing along the ridges of the locker as you was them one by one. When you feel a fist roughly grab the cloth of your jacket and you think _fuck _because you aren't in the mood to fight anyone. So you close your eyes waiting for the punch to come but it never does, and so you let out a pathetic murmur of _just fucking hit me if you want_. But when you get a reply in the form of the fist tightening on your jacket to the point of almost hurting you open your eyes and turn your head to the owner of the hand.

Your heart stops when your eyes are faced with the same hazel that has been avoiding yours for the past two weeks. The intensity of her stare is unsettling but you're so damn happy that she's even looking at you. So you're involuntarily wearing that awkward too bright lopsided smile only she can bring out and squeak out a fast _hey_.

But she still hasn't said a word and _fuck_ its getting you all nervous because you have no idea what's going on in her head. Behind her Noah's idly standing there looking at her almost possessively and it makes you uneasy. You see her give him a nod and he reluctantly walks past the both of you before whispering a hushed _she's mine_ in your ear before continuing to the cafeteria.

You know what he says is most likely true but you just don't find in in yourself to care because the fact of the matter is that she's here with you now instead of him, even if she hasn't said anything.

Suddenly you're being jerked forward as her boy collides into yours in one swift motion. You're frozen as she's gripping onto you like her life's dependent on it because you're still trying to process what's going on. But soon after you snap out of it and hold her back just that little but tighter because it feels like you've been stuck in a desert for 30 years and just found a lake. So you greedily take her in, the way her body feels against yours, her warmth, every inhale and exhale of air as her chest expands and closes against yours, the soft smell of primrose and honey she always has about her.

The two of you stay there in the hallway wrapped tightly together in each other's arms content and slowly start rocking back and forth. To anyone else you'd probably look crazy but they wouldn't understand. When she begins to pull back just that little bit your fears begin to arise because if that were a goodbye hug you don't think you'd be able to handle it.

As if sensing your thoughts she grabs your hand and entwines your fingers stepping impossibly closer to you and forcing you to look into her eyes as she does so. "I missed you. _God,_ how I've missed you. But I needed you to understand, you can't keep just pushing me away like that. Me and you okay?"

You mumble impossible amounts of _I understands, I'm sorrys, and I'll try harder _into her neck as you pull her closer again. You don't care how needy you look you're just glad you haven't lost her. Months go by and before you know it you're 14 and school just two months shy of being over. You've never felt time pass by as quickly as it did that year.

It's on the morning of your birthday you get the news that you'll be leaving Lima to go live with your father for your high school years. It was shitty because you had just found something good. You had fallen for a girl, so beautiful yet unattainable, and were content to just be in her presence. But now you had to leave and you just didn't know how on earth you were to tell her.

So when you see her that morning and she's her usual happy self you know you're going to miss the shit out of her. She hasn't notice you yet and you take that time to memorize as much as you could, willing it to stay in your memory for the next four years to come. But it were as if she could feel you looking at her that has her eyes turning to meet yours and that breathtaking smile to grace her lips.

You feel rather than register her body crashing into yours in a crushing hug. "Guess whose birthday it is!" she squeals in your ear. And you can't help but giggle, or the wide smile that graces your lips. "Is it the lunchlady's?" you ask in faux wonder. She just laughs at you and lightly smacks your arm mumbling about being a smart-ass and you hug her tighter in return. _You still love me anyways though._

"Oh I do now do I?" she pulls back to look at you with a smirk gracing her lips. But you're utterly confused as to what she's talking about.

"You do what?" you shoot back, brows creased together. "Love you… now come on slow poke we have class to get to! Unless you know, with it being your birthday you're too good for that." _Oh._

It's lunchtime now, and the both of you are sitting in 'the spot' a.k.a under the tree when she starts to get really energetic. "Close your eyes!" it's more of a demand and you've begun to trust her so you do as told without a second thought. You feel something cold placed in the center of your palm before she tells you to open your eyes again. You look down to see a silver ring, with a Claddagh in the center of it. It's more gender neutral looking and not too feminine and you wonder how much time she put into getting you it.

You look up from your hand to see her nervously biting onto her lower lip, faint blush beginning to grow on her cheeks. "Do you like it? I mean, it's like mine, well I mean I have a claddagh ring too and I just thought that since we're really close and stuff and i can always get you somethi-" you put a finger to her lips to stop her from continuing. "You're rambling" you say softly with a small smile.

She looks sheepish as she whispers out a small _sorry_ and looks down at her lap. You tilt her chin up with your free hand so have her look at you, and make her understand that there's nothing to be embarrassed about, because hell, you absolutely love the ring. "Thank-you I love it really, tell be about the Claddagh, cause I know there's a certain way to it right?" she gives a nod before speaking, seeming relieved you like the gift.

"Well there are four ways to wear it. If you have it on the right hand with the point of the heart toward the fingertips, it means you're single and may be looking for love… if it's on the right hand with the point of the heart toward the wrist, it means in a relationship or that your heart has been "captured"... if it's on the left hand with the point of the heart toward the fingertips, you're engaged, and finally if it's on the left hand with the point of the heart toward the wrist, married." She finishes.

You nod once more before slipping the ring onto your right hand, not paying attention to which way it's facing but secretly hoping it shows your captured heart, so to speak. "So who has your heart?" you ask her. "Oh what that, oh I don't know" it's probably the most you're going to get out of her so you drop the subject, and begin thinking about the fact you're leaving in two months.

It brings a wave of sadness to you to the point of physically hurting, so you grab onto her, and wrap tan arms around her slim waist to pull her impossibly closer. You hate this show of weakness and _fuck_ about how damn _needy _you feel, but you couldn't help it cause you figured it out that you love her and it makes leaving suck that much more.

You whisper a small thank you into her ear before nuzzling into her neck, it's a thank you of many things you suppose. For not asking what this burst of semi-emotion was about. For being there. For trying. For getting you to care that slightest bit. For feeling, and loving. You hope she catches your drift in those two words about how much you wish you could say to her.

The rest of the day goes by with the impending news nagging at the back of your mind, even with feeble attempts at covering up your own discomfort you can tell she's picking up on whatever is going on with you. The final bells ring and as you turn to leave you feel a hand grasp your wrist and pull you the opposite direction. Before you know it you're being pulled down under the tree, with hazel eyes looking determinedly back at you.

She inhales a deep breath, seemingly searching for something by the flickering of her eyes, before they close. Sitting down, she tilts her head back towards the sky. The silence is outrageously loud in this moment, deafening. Seconds perhaps minutes go by before her head lowers down once more, eyes opened and focused again, tendrils of emotions flitting through them as rapid speed before she speaks.

"How long?" it's an exasperated statement, one full of disappointment like this has happened _too_ many times. As if it were an inevitable thing to occur, one of loss, of someone leaving. Said in a tone of _I knew this was too good to be true_ and _fuck man._

"The end of the school year." You can't look at her cause you feel like you don't deserve to. You hear her let out a sigh and you want to just tell her _I know-feel the same way_ because in reality it _fucking sucks._ They say bad things happen to good people but this is just ridiculous.

"Okay," and you look back at her with poorly concealed shock because fuck. A whole year and even in your 'barely there' age you know what you feel for her is something different but she blows it off like she lost the eraser part of a 8 year old pencil. So when she stands up and offers her outstretched hand like the so many other times before you're hesitant.

The next few days slug by slowly, neither of you mentioning the whole leaving ordeal, and she pretends that you aren't leaving at all perhaps better to just act like you aren't leaving but you know that when the little bubble is popped you won't be prepared. "Why don't you ever say my name Santana?"

It's random and blunt and you had hoped she hadn't caught on to that. The truth was that you didn't feel like you were good enough. It may sound silly, foolish even, but you knew the moment you said it, it would all be that much realer. _She _would be real. The feelings would be real, and the definite heartbreak to come with it after your departure. So you avoided saying it out loud but in your head, it was a serenade, unbroken by your wrong doings and temptations.

So on the outside you shrug "I've said your name before Blondie, I don't know what you're talking about." Its bullshit and the both of you know it. Her eye's show the conflict between wanting to force the answer out of you or accept your lie. In the two years you've not uttered her name once out loud, and it's a ridiculous thing. But it's something that needed to be done.

It's on another Friday when something else happens, and you wonder what it is about Friday's that always have the most impact, but you know that they're starting to become something of a burden to you.

The two of you are in Algebra sitting at a table along with Rachel, Mike, Brittany, Sugar and Artie. If anyone had asked you what the group was talking about you wouldn't be able to tell them because she's leaning her head on your right shoulder. So you turn towards her and poke her jean clad thigh with your pointer finger. When she doesn't react you poke her once more, and then again, and again until she grabs your finger with her hand and looks at you with a slightly irritated face. She mouths '_what_' and you just shrug and poke her again before she whispers an almost inaudible _oh_ before grabbing your finger again and begins messing with it bending it and unbending it.

After a minute or so she laces your hands together and rubs small circles on the back of your thumb. It's such a simple action but she's never done it before and it sends sparks up and along your arm. She rests her head back on your shoulder asking a quiet almost insecure sounding '_is this alright?'_ and you gently nod your head. For some reason this moment feels so much more intimate than any other the two of you have shared.

Perhaps it was the way she was content about leaning on you as she talked with the others. But I your mind all you could feel was your hands under the table hidden from everyone else's eyes, actions only know to the two of you. Like some sort of secret. You wouldn't mind being her secret if it meant having her. But you know that she wouldn't have you like that so you keep this moment as good enough.

Suddenly she stops rubbing the back of your thumb and sits up straight before looking past you and mumbling a quick _I'll be over there_, before untangling her fingers and walking towards the other side of the room with Noah, Finn, Sam, and Mercedes. Something deep inside of you wanted to stop her from leaving, if felt off. It felt like something had changed and was wrong, but you pretend that it's just your imagination and ignore the way your stomach knots itself in uncertainty, and instead turn your attention to Brittany as she begins to talk about a new cat her mother had just gotten her.

Its two weeks before you have to leave before everything hits its downward spiral. Something in her changes because she wants to fight with you about everything. Be it something big, little or nothing at all. You're tired and confused about her change in demeanor but schools wearing down on both of you and you just can't bring yourself to fight back anymore.

You find out she's failing Algebra and you want to smack some sense into her because she's being ridiculous about all of this, you know she's a straight A student. And if she doesn't pass this course with at least a C she can't walk across the stage at graduation.

The friendship is strained at best, you're back with Tina and her gang, as she goes back to hang out with the Noah and the others. You find your algebra teacher after school one day and decide to take things into your own hands. Even if the two of you aren't on good terms because of whatever is going on with her, you know she can't _not_ walk across that stage in two weeks.

So when you see him and ask if there's _anything_ either of you can do to get her across that stage, and he sees the desperation in your eyes as he sighs, you know you might've done something right. He makes you a deal that if she can pass this next test he'll pass her and it's all you need to have hope once more.

It's the day of the test and she's sitting next to you writing down her answers. She leaves to go to the bathroom and you switch your papers, your name now written across the top of hers and vice versa. Knowing both of your hand writing are semi-similar you only hope the teacher doesn't catch on to what you've done, because hell you don't even know what you've done.

You fix some of the wrong answers on 'your' test before she walks back in plopping down in the seat next to yours again. A couple more minutes go by before your teacher walks around the room collecting tests. And you wonder just how deep into this mess you are because that might've been the _stupidest_ thing you've ever done.

One week later the principle comes in the classroom and you think the stunt you pulled was found out and you let out a dry chuckle at it all. But when she pulls out a list of names you wonder exactly what is going on. She announces that she'll need the following students who won't be attending graduation and begins reading off of the list. You see _her_ begin to clutch her bag awaiting her name to be called but it never does and you know she's confused as students begin to file out of the room including Noah and Dave.

Your teacher gives you a knowing look and she must have caught it because as soon as the two of you follow the others to head towards the gym to practice rehearsal she grabs your arm and pulls you into an empty classroom. With how close she is you can't find it in yourself to concentrate, and you think this happens too much.

You aren't expecting the subtle glare she gives you when she does and you wonder is she knows what you did, if she's mad at you for it. So you _do_ expect her to call you an idiot or at least slap you but it never comes. Instead what you do get is a "What did you do?" and hazel eyes boring into your own.

"I don't know what you're talking about Blondie" you reply, and brush past her to leave the bathroom. You're hands on the handle when you hear her whisper _thank you_, and you infinitely decide that what you did was worth it.

You're in the gym getting your seating arrangement when primrose makes its appearance once more. Your right should is barely grazing her back as she talks to Mercedes and Kurt on the other side and it makes you smile a little bit. With the way things had been recently you're stiff in your seat until Tina grabs the seat in front of you and the two of you begin aimlessly chatting.

Unconsciously you rest your arm along the back of her chair, pleasantly surprised when she leans into just that little bit more while still upholding her conversation. The rehearsal goes without a hitch and everybody is released to go home. You find Tina standing outside waiting for you and you walk up to her and hug her mumbling an _it's crazy the years almost over_ and she nods in return.

The both of you spend the next few days talking about summer plans when you tell her about your impending move. She's sad but puts on a big smile talking about how you're gonna score some hot chick while you're over there and how you'd better send her a souvenir and you realize how much you're gonna miss this small Asian.

It's graduation day and you see her walk up next to you in line wearing a beautiful lavender floral dress and you feel your knees go weak because no one should look so amazing. Everyone enters and you know her parents are here so you refrain from touching her too much, she's warned you about their extreme sense of judgment. So when the two of you sit down I your seats and feel her lean against you in the slightest bit you move back just a little bit so you aren't touching,

But when she turns around confused you realize she did it on purpose so you slowly pull her back into you hiding your entwined hands under the excess of her dress. And hour later the ceremony has finished and a crying Tina finds her way to you amidst the mass of teenage bodies you hug and let out a small laugh at all of all of the other overly emotional people surrounding you.

When you get outside it's like a breath of fresh air, well _duh_ you're outside but whatever. You see Brittany and the others and take a few pictures with them before you see another flash of blonde. You follow it and when you find the two of you alone you hug her tightly and whisper a _we did it_ in her ear and she replies with an equally as soft _yeah_ back in yours.

"I want to meet your parents" word vomit makes it's appearance from your end its just about all you can do no to physically face palm yourself. She looks at you like you're crazy and hisses out a "_No Way"_ so you pout in return.

She walks away and so you follow quietly when you see three other blondes waiting for her. Putting on a brave face you walk up to the Fabray family head held high. "Good evening , Mrs. Fabray, and Frannie," you see the look of sheer horror on her face next to them and the mild disgust that floats through Russell's eyes towards you. "your daughter is an amazing person and I would like to say you did an amazing job at raising her."

Russell gives a nod of acknowledgement as Judy gives off a faint thank you, while Frannie looks at you and her sister like she knows some sort of secret. You give a slight curtsy and excuse yourself before turning and heading towards your mother's car. "You're crazy and stupid, but thank you." You turn around and nod at her before going home, with a smile on your face.

It's the last day of school and you know it means the last day you'll see her. She acts as if you aren't leaving and you wish you could be in that little fantasy. She grabs your hands and pulls you to your spot, summer's officially started and the both of you are trying to wear this out as long as possible.

She pushes you against the tree both hands grabbing your face before crashing her lips to yours. Its everything you thought it would be and more, and you find yourself kissing her back with just as much force because _fuck_ you might not ever be able to do this again. She pulls away both of you gasping for air, before placing another smaller chaste kiss to your lips.

"It's always been you. Just, just _don't_ forget me okay? Please don't forget me because I won't ever forget you." She mumbles it against your lips in a caress and you can feel something wet hit your cheek.

You raise your hand to her face and gently wipe the tears away as they come. "I won't."

"Promise me, Santana." You nod because you know if you attempt to speak you might cry.

You watch her as she steps back away from you slowly before turning around and walking away and back towards the school. When she disappears from your view you let the first tears escape from your eyes, because you know you could've spent the rest of your life with that girl. But you know you have to leave so you do the next best thing you can. And remember everything she is, from her kitten smile and small hands to her sundresses and everything in between.

_You promise…_

* * *

**A/N: well here was the next installment. slightly shorter than the first but i had to end it here. thoughts, comments, questions? **

**_until next time_**

******-H.G.**


	3. Choice

_**I apologize for the wait. All mistakes are mine.**_

* * *

Freshman year starts off slow, between the horrid illiterate teachers and annoying students, it's a self served hell. People walk through like zombies. The English 1 honors teacher is a violently hormonal pregnant little woman, while the civil law teacher Holt smells like old pads and rotten fish.

The girls are hot to say the least, but too snobby for your taste, so you pass by them with un-interest and a few even have the indecency to fling themselves at you. Not that you can blame them, you spent the entire summer changing who you were, how you acted, dressed, carried yourself, that shit was gone in the blink of an eye and replaced with Santana 2.0 a.k.a Snix.

When you transfer schools halfway through the year you carry with you the perfectly honed I don't give two fucks demeanor. That's when you meet the first girl. The was pretty anybody could see that, hell many people did. You had five straight hours of the day together.

You're surprised when she makes the first move cause you don't know how to do this whole friendly thing. Whether she notices it or not she doesn't mention how socially inept you are.

By the third day she's managed to talk you into going to some football player's party. From what you guessed she's your date for the night, and the both of you look hot together.

By your fifth shot the both of you have loosened up a bit, and you crack up because you don't even know her last name. So you beckon her closer with your finger, and when she's close enough you not-so-really-whisper-ask what it is.

What you aren't expecting is for her to cup your chin and kiss you senseless. So when she breaks it from lack of oxygen and whispers a quiet _Rose_ on your lips you stupidly scrunch your brows in confusion because between the buzz of alcohol and lack of oxygen to your brain you have no idea what that name has to do with what just happened.

She seems to catch on and she let's out this innocent ass giggle you thought only cute little kids could pull off and simply says that you asked her for her name. Right.

It's half past two in the morning now and you realize you can't go back to your father's house this trashed. Before you know it Marley's hand is pulling you down the street away from your house and towards most hers.

The rest is a blur of sloppy kisses, continual giggling and stumbling, and clothes being thrown across the room.

You wake up face first into a multi colored pillow, splitting headache, and from the feel of the sheets across your back sparsely clothed. Behind you sits a cross legged Marley in an oversized T-shirt and panties, sipping on what you assume is a nice cup of coffee.

"Good morning sunshine." She wears this crooked smirk and aside from turning you on that little bit it kind of also irritates you. No one should be this unfazed after the amount of alcohol you watched her consume last night.

"I didn't sleep with you did I?" You ask in lieu of getting.

"Good morning to you too Marley, thanks for letting me crash at your place last night after getting completely trashed. Also for being awesome for bringing me water and aspirins for the killer head ache I'm most likely sporting right now." She says in an overdramatic scratchy voice.

You squint at her from where you are "I do not sound like that."

"Sorry for not aiming to please short stuff, there's clothes and aspirin on the dresser, breakfast is downstairs so come down whenever." With that she stands and leaves the room. You huff sitting up on the bed, you aren't that short.

Ever since the night of the party months ago Marley has become a best friends of sorts. She's stubborn and blunt about how she feels and you find that the both of you have this amazing dynamic together.

She comes from a prosperous family, well respected and possibly the kindest damn people you've ever met. With the help of Marley you're well known at your school, well known and very well respected.

She's tall and brunette with these crazy soft blue eyes,and dorky grin, and a personality that let's you know she isn't one to screw you over. That's how you find yourself one afternoon head in her lap as she lazily messes with your hair, telling her every single thing from when you were ten and left the first time to the girl you left back states away.

Part of you is screaming out idiocracy for trusting another human being while the other half is relaxing in a spa because it's about damn time.

After your little bonding session the both of you are inseparable, you tell each other everything and it leaves you feeling a little better each night when you go to sleep.

Things with your father are easy, his quiet nature is calming and a great change from your step fathers constant yelling. Tina his latest girlfriend, is everything your mother isn't. She's bold, and funny, optimistic, and treats you as her own. You wonder why a man like you father had ever gotten with a woman like your mother in the first place.

He doesn't mention your drastic change in personality, or question when you ask him for money and you're pretty thankful for it. He's met Marley and absolutely adores her, she's slowly becoming part of you dinky messed up family just like you have been in her own.

It isn't unusual for you to stay days at a time over at her place, both sets of parents have noticed how big a part of your life she has become.

Freshman year had just ended for you and the both of you are watching the latest episode of American Horror Story. If you were to be honest, the introduction creeps the shit out of you because melted porcelain doll heads and freak music aren't exactly peaceful, but overall the both of you are hooked so you deal with it anyways.

You find yourself always needing to be in contact with Marley, it isn't an intimate thing, at least you don't think so. But she's easily become your rock, and it keeps you calm. She doesn't complain about it, at any point and you're really thankful.

The next day you both end up at another party, it's slightly less boring than the other's she's dragged you to so you figure this can't be too bad. You're drinking more than you should because today's one year to the date from the last time you had seen _her_ and your mind is painfully clouded with hazel eyes and blonde hair.

Marley doesn't leave your side the entire night, making sure you're watched over as you drink yourself into oblivion. You remember her as she changes you into sleep wear back at her house later that morning, and how you bring her into a slightly drunken kiss. You remember the concern in her voice when she asks you if this is what you want as she undresses you once more, and then herself.

You remember her caring hands that night, and how you were just as gentle in return because if was both of your first times that night. You wake up by the sound of curtains being drawn and sunlight flooding your eyelids. With a groan you flip over and bury your head under the nearest pillow.

Sheets are ripped off of you leaving your bare body to meet cold air, before a body lands across your head. "Come onnnnnnnn lazy, it's already noon and so bored. Wake upppppppppppp!"

Marley.

Marley and her inability to get hangovers. Her childish behavior and... Coffee? You whip you head towards the smell and instantly sit up under her, arms outstretched searching for the caffeine.

She merely chuckles before easily maneuvering off of you and placing the up in your eager hands. Once you've taken a few sips and notice her in her usual T-shirt and pantie combo. You smirk at the large hickey at the side of her neck and she just rolls her eyes knowing what you're looking at. "So, how'd you sleep last night bestie?" You question peering over the brim of the mug as you take another sip.

"Like a baby, thanks for your concern." She replies in an instant, before getting up and throwing you something to wear. You're relieved that even after last night everything is still the same between the two of you.

Somewhere along the line it becomes a reoccurring factor in your friendship. But the things between you two doesn't change, there aren't feelings involved that don't fall under the platonic category, and its something that keeps you relaxed, when you need it, or cared for when one of you is feeling lonely.

Years slowly tick by, and before you know it Marley, her parents, your father and his new wife, and yourself are situated in a living room looking at two unopened letters from Princeton University. Why both Marley and you decided to pick an ivy league out of every school slips your mind, but here you are months later, with a piece of paper deciding your future, because the both of you never really went with Plan B's.

You both open your letters at the same time with shaky hands. The room's tense, cause god knows what the inside says. Even with your impeccable record and extracurricular everything, admittance still seems like a long shot. You take a deep breath as you open the folded paper. You think you've read it wrong the first time, so you read it a second time, and then a third, and a fourth. You fold it back up and place it down on the coffee table and wait for Marley to finish.

It's completely silent, and when she puts hers down and faces you, her usually cheery face is void of emotion, but in here eyes you see the truth. And they're saying the same thing as your own. _We got in._ You both break into wide grins and face your parents.

The next moment is a flurry of hugs, and an unusual amount of tears from and your step mother. You all gather for a mini celebration. Graduation comes in the next week and Tina had invited you to her graduation back in Lima, the date being on three days after your own.

You're excited and want to tell her the news in person and can't wait to see her. The two of you had still kept in contact over time, and she would keep you filled in on everybody there and you'd tell her about things here.

One week to the day later you're standing on a very familiar porch and it feels like you were here just yesterday. You raise your hand to knock on the door but before you can it's ripped open and you're being tackled by a very familiar short Asian. You laugh as she attempts to spin you both around but fails miserably.

"It's been a long time T" your cheeks hurt from smiling but 4 years of not seeing her has taken its toll.

You're shown to a guest room, and chat aimlessly as Tina lies sprawled across the bed as you unpack your clothes. Dinner is simple and you both call it early for the night.

Being back rings up a whirlwind of emotion because it's like nothing and everything has changed.

The next day T is filling you in on which colleges everyone is going to. It doesn't surprise you when she says that Rachel and Kurt are going to NYADA, Noah and Finn are doing there own thing. You're proud of everybody.

The graduation comes around and you're sitting in the crowd with Tina's family camera out taking an excessive amount of photos. By the time Tina walks across the stage your voice is sore from the encouraging yips and hollars ripping out in support to all of your old schoolmates. After she walks off you're struck up in a conversation with Tina's father about who's going to get drafted this season and other things of that nature. That is, until the room quiets as the school's principal steps up to the podium once more.

"Now, we would like to present our Valedictorian, head cheerleader, and soon to be Yale student, _Miss Lucy_ _Fabray._" The rest of the students erupted into cheers but they fell onto deaf ears as your eyes take in the beautiful girl walking across the stage.

You had thought that back then she were the most beautiful thing, and it weren't possible for anything else to outmatch it, but somehow she had proved you wrong and had outmatched herself.

She's standing facing the students now, her posture strong and sure. She's confident and to be honest you're a bit turned on. Oh and that smile, it could cure cancer and end wars. When she speaks you're overwhelmed with the desire to here her say your name as you make love to her.

But the chances of that are unlikely. You figure she has a boyfriend now, because a person like her shouldn't be alone. Wouldn't be alone. Towards the end of her speech her eyes connect with your own. It's like middle school all over again. There's a fraction of a pause in her words, so small you might've imagined it. But when you see her take a deeper inhale than the rest and force her eyes from your own you know it happened.

Minutes later Tina is back with her family in a constant of multiple celebratory hugs and uplifting words. When they finish you watch as she comes over to you and gives you a bone crushing hug and a quiet thanks for coming, and you offering back an _I wouldn't miss it for the world_.

You wander off as families of other graduates make their way home. Fifteen minutes later you realize you that you've ended up back at _the Tree_. All of the middle school memories come flooding back to you and it's nostalgic.

You press your right palm against the trunk of it. Mind flittering over the many different lunches spent in this exact spot.

"I came here as many times as I could for two years." Your eyes open, as you inhale deeply. Slowly you turn around to face the girl who once had your heart.

You scan her posture as she stands before you. Her arms would give off an air of defensiveness by the way they were crossed against her chest, but as your gaze raises to meet her eyes you see simple curiosity and possibly surprise. So in return you relax against the trunk.

"After a while I came to the conclusion that you weren't going to come back. At first I thought I had imagined seeing you at the graduation," she lets out a quiet chuckle, but it's loud enough to hear the strain and forced quality in it, "Yet here you are four years later, back at the spot I last saw you at forever ago."

Happiness, nervousness, joy, sadness, longing, and twenty other emotions swirl around inside you, but you manage to keep it cool and collected out the outside despite the fact. You figure she wants you to say something, so you settle for something simple. "You look good."

Her lips press together and you wonder if you had said the wrong thing. So you try for something else, a _Congratulations_, of all things. You groan because even after all of these years you're still a mess around her. Finally settling for a quiet How are you.

There's a hint of a smile playing on her lips ad you start to feel at little better at salvaging whatever this encounter may be. "I'm good, managed to keep up with everything and got into the school of my dreams, and yourself?"

You've been good, great even but sad. Heart always dwelling on what could've been than what actually is. Head in its own state of grief, but not really knowing what it's grieving about. So you mention Princeton; omit Marley, and your father's new wife; omit well, everything else. You would think that by the way she was looking at you that she knew you were holding out a lot of the important stuff, but its been years and even though you had once trusted her with your everything the both of you had grown and changed immensely.

She talks of her boyfriend, and how he came after you had left. Of her sister and her little baby boy. How people have grown and moved over the years, with only more coming to replace them. Until she notices your right hand, more-so the ring on your right hand. Slowly she grasps your hand, looking at you with perhaps astonishment and some other emotion you can't quite decipher. "You still have it."

The way she says it causes heat to crawl up your face, as if it was a ridiculous thing for you to still own. But in all honestly you just couldn't bring yourself to get rid of it. You never actually expected to see her again, after all. So you shrug as if to say _well yeah, _because you don't trust your voice. Her eyes light up as if she found the cure to poverty and in an instant she's gone and you're left standing there confused.

Had you just imagined an entire conversation? But a light sandalwood scent overtakes your senses and you see her before you once more, hand clutching something tightly. "Freshman year I came here and put this in one of the holes in the tree" she holds up her hand palm up and opens it.

Lying in the center is a ring just like your own but dirtier. It causes you to crack a smile to her, because all of this time you had felt slightly foolish for keeping it only to find she had somewhat kept it with her too. You both are kind of just standing there smiling at each other, until a phone goes of in a ringtone you don't know.

It startles the both of you and you watch as her face falls a little bit before she answers the call eyes reconnecting with your own. "_Hey baby._"

_oh._ Your body feels rejection but it's ridiculous because nothing was ever there to have you feel this way. Maybe it's just a thing she causes. Maybe you can find a way to get it to stop. Hopefully.

She maintains eye contact while talking to him. But you look away because this moment feels private for them and you feel you don't belong' not really. You could've avoided this if you had just stayed with Tina and her family, but you wanted air, only to have it get stolen before you even had a chance to fully inhale. It is possible to suffocate in an open space.

Agoraphobia doesn't seem such a ridiculous thing because there's all this air but it feels so little. Perhaps Ohio is just too small a place for some, too empty, or in contrast they're just too big for Ohio. There's a deep wanting to run and never look back, leave behind everything that deals with sandalwood and hazel eyes. To move on, but there's another pull towards it, to hold all these things close.

So when you feel her hand grab yours once more to bring you out of your thoughts you make a choice. She gives you an impish smile, "Sorry about that, it was just my boyfriend he was wondering where I had gone off to." Your body is on autopilot and it's like you're watching from the outside.

"It's okay" you hear. "You should probably go see him," a smile, but it's empty. Two tans hands come together and gently pull off a silver ring from the right hand before stepping froward to embrace her in a hug. "Take care of yourself, and this" handing her the ring before turning around and walking back towards the Cohen-Chang residence.

Upon arriving you hear talk of something coming up and having to leave early back home. Good-byes are said before a car door closes and half a days worth of driving begins. The phone is off and laying idly in the passenger seat radio set on a low hum. The sun has begun to rise by the car pulls into another familiar driveway. The soft rhythmic bumps of shoes against the concrete are barely heard over the chirping of the birds before the front door is unlocked and opened.

The creak of the stairs echoes throughout the quiet house before ending as they reach the top floor. Gently opening the bedroom door in front of them and softly closing it and locking it. Shoes, then socks, and clothing are shed before climbing into the bed where the outline of another persons body can be made out. Gingerly full lips kiss along a slender pale neck. Awakening the owner of the body.

Confused blue eyes open peering into brown. Before any words are spoken they are silenced by lips. She lifts up to remove her shirt before everything blurs and is just felt rather than seen.

You wake up to nighttime and a strong slender arm wrapped possessively around your waist from behind. Carefully you turn around to find Marley snoring softly, hair strewn across the pillow in a crazy manner. Kissing her forehead in thanks you slowly get out of bed grabbing a towel and some clothes before heading towards the shower.

You step in, water scalding hot, unfazed. You want to think that everything yesterday was a long dream but the tan line on your right hand tells you otherwise. You don't hear the shower door open or close. Marley's hand is then brushing your hair over to one shoulder before adjusting the water temperature and sliding back around your waist hugging you from behind much like this morning.

"You okay?" its quiet and mumbled into your skin from where she's resting her head against you. In all honesty you aren't sure at all if you are. So you wrap your arms around where hers are cradling you and just squeeze. You feel her sigh before grabbing a luffa and cleaning both of your bodies.

You both step out and dry before she grabs your hand, pulling you gently downstairs towards the kitchen sitting you at the bar. Two grilled cheeses later and you're back in her room cuddled up on her bed drifting in and out of sleep as she strokes your hair. You know you need to talk to her but you don't find yourself in the mood.

The next morning you ask her if you can go ahead and get started on packing up for the move up to New Jersey, after a beat of hesitation Marley agrees and you spend the rest of the next two and a half days doing just that. By the third day the two of you are standing in her driveway hugging your parents goodbye.

The drive is full of singing along to the same repetition of the top 20, bemusedly watching Marley attempt at _Si no le contesto, _and bathroom breaks. You arrive to the surprisingly fully furnished two bedroom apartment your parents got the two of you as a graduation present and are astonished by it's size. For the night you only grab the necessities before skyping said parents said parents and heading off to bed.

After unpacking and job hunting you go and get your schedules for your summer classes. You think of what your mother would say about you now. It shouldn't matter to you not really because she made her choice and you were given your own to pick.

It's not running in your eyes, what you did barely a week ago. You needed a new start, to make yourself something. And hopefully... Princeton can help you get there.

* * *

_Dei Sub Numine Viget_


End file.
