1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with CSI NY. Except my boxsets. And i like them. A lot. _

_**This is my first story. This story looks at what happened to Lindsay and the effects it had upon her and her family. It begins as she prepares to say goodbye to Montana, and follows her last week there. There are a lot of flashbacks (in italics) which she reflects upon her past as she prepares to move to New York. It will eventually follow the series after she starts in the NY lab and therefore will eventually end up as DL. The preparation for leaving New York was supposed to be a few pages but it a lot longer than I thought it would be. I have written a lot of it already, so there are lots of chapters to come. I hope you enjoy it.**_

Why is it that when you're waiting for a letter the postman is always late? Lindsay paced up and down her parents ranch house wondering why it had to be late today of all days. After several minutes of watching her daughter wear out the hall carpet, her mum quietly walked out to the hall, and stood just behind Lindsay. Instead of continuing her frantic steps Lindsay turned and found herself face to face with her mum, who had a look of amusement on her face.

"Why are you insistent on wearing out my carpet?" her mum asked, a grin lighting up her face.

"I'm waiting for the post" Lindsay replied, turning around and continuing her pacing over a considerably shortened length of the hall.

"You already have the job."

"I know."

"So why are you pacing waiting for the post? The letter will only confirm what you already know."

"I know." Lindsay paused a frown appearing as she considered what her mum had said. "But..."

"But what?"

"What if they changed their mind? I mean, they may have found someone who has more experience, or who is more knowledgeable, or who will fit in better, or..." Lindsay trailed off not wanting to verbalise what the real problem was.

"Or someone who isn't you?" her mum cutting in to her daughter's illogical rant knowing exactly what the problem was.

"Yeah, who isn't me" Lindsay whispered, fear suddenly gripping her heart.

Suddenly and without warning, Lindsay found herself being literally dragged to the large table in the middle of the kitchen. Her mum could be remarkably strong when she needed to be, although you would never know that to look at her.

"OK Lindsay, you are going to sit and listen to me now." Suddenly Lindsay felt like she was seven years old when she was being reprimanded for following her brothers to one of the largest trees on the ranch and then trying to climb it, whilst her three brothers encouraged her to climb higher and higher. Of course when she fell out of the tree landing on her arm breaking it in two places, a lecture on safety and stupidity was waiting for her once she was released from the hospital. Very much like the one her mum was about to start any second now, just with a different topic. And she was scared.

"Why do _you_ think they don't want you? Why do _you_ think you're not good enough?" her mum started, emphasising the 'you' far more than Lindsay thought necessary. Then without giving Lindsay time to answer, her mum carried on with her lecture.

"You are an amazing person Lindsay. You haven't only succeeded at being a CSI but excelled at it. I saw James last week and all he could do was sing your praises and tell me how much you were going to be missed wherever you ended up moving to. He said they always knew you were destined for bigger and better things, even before you first started working there. You and I both know that James keeps his cards close to his chest, so for him to be that open with me about you and say more than 10 words in the same breath is something of a miracle!"

The two women laughed at this image. James Lawson the man in charge of the Bozeman CSI's was well known for his short and not-so-sweet answers in just about every aspect of his life. Lindsay wasn't surprised when his wife confided in her at the last Christmas party that his proposal had simply been "marry me?" No speech, no expectations, just a simple plea from his heart. And that is how James was. Always. Except, for some reason, when it came to Lindsay. His compliment, via her mum, had Lindsay suddenly taking a walk down memory lane, thinking of how her life's path had changed since that fateful day nine years previous. Her mum seeing Lindsay becoming lost in thought, decided now was a good time to get on with all household those things that were calling her, and so she left Lindsay alone at the table, returning briefly to deposit a cup of coffee in front of her. Watching Lindsay automatically search out the mug of hot liquid, Eve turned to leave again, pausing at the door to look at her daughter, motherly pride filling her as she realised how far her daughter had come and how far she was yet to go. She then turned on her heel and Lindsay was left alone, sat wondering what had happened over the last few weeks.

_Lindsay had been working as a CSI in Bozeman for the last four years. Although she was one of the more junior members of the team she was, strangely enough, one of the most experienced, especially when it came to anything with a lot of blood. She couldn't help but laugh at the irony of surviving a bloody shooting and then becoming an expert in blood splatter analysis. Nearly every other person who had gone through what she had long ago in her past would have avoided anything to do with conflict, crime scenes and especially blood. But Lindsay wasn't like every other person. She was a survivor and, as her dad liked to call her far too often, a 'tough cookie'. She had spent far too many minutes of her life moaning about being compared to a biscuit although she would never admit that she did like it. Deep, deep down inside of her. Out of reach of her family who would never let her live it down if they knew she liked it when all she did was moan at her dad whenever he said it. Her mum had always told her, long before she became a victim of a bloody crime, that God always has a plan for everyone and if they are unfortunate enough to experience a tragedy then He would find a way to help people through it and use our experience, often for the benefit of others. As she sat thinking, Lindsay wondered if this philosophy of life her mum so adamantly believed in played a role in moving her on past what had happened._

Lindsay laughed out loud when she realised that even after all these years she still couldn't give the correct title to what she had lived through. It was always referred to as 'the incident', 'that tragedy', 'a crime', or something else with an equally unrevealing name or roundabout way of insinuating that something 'horrific' had happened. Bad yes, horrific no. She knew it wasn't about not admitting what had happened. There was no way she couldn't not admit what she had lived through nor could she pretend it didn't happen. It had changed her, and her family, far too much. In the days, weeks and months that followed she couldn't see a way out. Nor did she believe she had a future. Lindsay sighed when she thought about how much time she had spent wanting to be dead and buried in the ground, next to her friends. When she looked back at those times she hated that the darkness controlled her and that she even had those memories. But as her mum always said, "those memories had made her the person she was. And she is a person to be proud of in terms of achievement, personality and love. Not many other people could say that." Hearing and even thinking about those words always brought tears to Lindsay's eyes and today was no exception. Suddenly a tissue appeared in front of her eyes, being waved about furiously by said mother.

"What's the matter baby?" asked Eve, Lindsay's mother, sitting down at the table and retrieving the box of tissues from the side at the same time.

"Nothing."

Eve just raised an eyebrow at her daughter, with that look of 'are you kidding me?' on her face.

"Ok, well, I was just thinking. Don't worry about it."

"Lindsay Monroe. I started worrying about you the minute I found out I was pregnant with you and haven't stopped since then and I am certain this worry will follow me until one of us departs this earth." She paused, the stern look leaving her face and was replaced by a cheeky smile. "I'm also fairly certain that if you go before me I'll worry about where you are until I leave here. And if you are in the wrong place then I will have an eternity of worry ahead of me."

Lindsay couldn't help but laugh at her mother's comments. Somehow she always knew the exact thing to say to make her feel better. Sometimes honest, sometimes, where requested, blatant lies, sometimes waffle, useless trivia and then there were days like today. Those days where her mum said a load of rubbish laden with a heavy dose of guilt. Funny yet heavily weighed down with a good dose of guilt and a way of keeping her brood in line. The only thing Lindsay could think of was if she ever had children she really had to learn that same trick to make sure her kids stayed on or at least relatively near the rails, because it was so much more effective than probation or jail. That much she was certain of.

After a few minutes silence and being stared at by her mum, Lindsay finally turned to face her.

"I was just thinking how I can't even give a name to what happened to me way back when. See even now I can't come out and say 'I was in a diner and escaped being executed unlike my three friends and the waitress'. Its madness isn't it? And as I sit saying this to you I am now starting to worry that moving away to a different job in a state that I will be stuck in and unable to come and see you and daddy when I need someone to confide in isn't a good move. No one will know me or what I have been through. I'm not as strong as you all think I am. I'm just good at bullshitting when the need arises."

"Lindsay!" exclaimed her mum, causing Lindsay to jump in her chair. "Language."

"I'm sorry for the word I used." She paused for effect before continuing, "you know what I said was right though and don't think I haven't heard you say that to daddy or my brothers before!"

"That's not the point. It's my house and I'm older than you. I have my own rules as mummy and you'll have to just deal with it." Mother and daughter smiled at each other and both their faces softened, albeit for too short a time.

"What you are actually saying is you are considering using your past as an excuse to stay in Montana all your life."

"I didn't say that. How on earth did you work that out from what I said?"

"Simple, you said it yourself. You bullshit at times. I've seen you at your best and I've seen you at your worst. I know how you think baby. You're trying to decide if surviving the shooting is a reason to stay here and help the people you've spent all your life around. But what me and daddy see is that you are trying to work out if you can cut the strings that have tied you here, and if starting a new life and moving up in your career is justification to leave. All because of some evil twist of fate." Eve paused to allow the words she had spoken to wash over her daughter, who was now sat with her head in her hands, eyes closed.

"Lindsay, you were never meant to stay here. Even before the shooting your dad would say that he dreaded the day you left Montana." Lindsay looked up at her mum, surprised by what she had heard. "We've watched you grow and learn and be the most stubborn and inquisitive child we have. You have always been the one who tried, tried and tried again until she got what she wanted or needed. Ever since you started working at the lab we know you've been working hard day and night to keep up to date with the latest processes and technologies, even though you know the likelihood of half that equipment being available where you work is nil. You have worked hard to learn your craft in a relatively short time and you know your job inside and out. You turned a tragedy into a gift and have become widely respected by many. You were never meant to live your whole life here. Montana will always be a part of you, but unlike the rest of us, possibly with the exception of Jake, it will never be your whole life."

"What about Tony? He lives in Seattle."

"No for much longer I think. He keeps talking about missing the wide open spaces, wheat fields and complains that there are too many people in Seattle. He will be back in the next year or so when he gets a job here."

"I didn't know that. What about his girlfriend, Amelia?"

"I wouldn't be surprised if they marry soon or at least your brother proposes. As for Amelia, she's a country girl as it turns out. She's from Wyoming"

"The party state!" interrupted Lindsay a big grin on her face as she remembered a party she had attended with her brothers two years previous.

"And has said she would be more than happy to move back to rural Montana" continued her mum ignoring her daughter's interruption.

"What will Tony do here?"

"He's thinking of coming back to help dad with the business side of the ranch. That way dad can do the hands on work he loves so much and Tony can do all the business and accounting side. Peter doesn't mind either as he is too like dad preferring to work with his hands. Nice sideline there daughter of mine. And I'll bet you thought I'd miss that!"

"I try," she said with a slight smile.

Eve paused to watch the changing expression of her daughter's face, and held onto her hands.

"Lindsay I'm not trying to get rid of you. Let's face it, if daddy had his way you'd be locked up in the barn for life, but you're not. You can thank me later by the way. Money, chocolates, flowers or an all expenses paid trip to New York complete with a spa day or two and some shopping, which you will pay for or something similar will do as a down payment."

"If only you think of exactly what you want mum it would so make things easier to know how to thank you for my freedom," Lindsay retorted as sarcastically as possible.

"Trust me, when I know what I want I'll tell you." The two women laughed, keeping the mood light in the room. "Anyway, the point is this, your dad and I love you but we both know it would be wrong to guilt trip you into staying. Plus your dad has finally decided to catch up with technology and bought a web cam, to aid in communication between you and us and help you still feel a part of this family even when you are miles away and unable to return here."

"Seriously? A web cam? I'm surprised dad had even heard about them."

"Seriously. He said it was for keeping in touch with you. I'm more inclined to think it's so he can keep a look out for hickies just in case you find yourself a 'man friend' when you've left the outside range of all his weaponry combined. I think he's afraid to believe that one day a handsome New Yorker will sweep you off your feet and 'make you a woman.'" Eve had used the finger quotation marks when saying 'man friend' and 'make you a woman' as this was her dad's way of talking about her having a relationship and sex without actually have to use the words having, virginity, sex, making love, or any other variation on this.

"I'm guessing you still haven't told him I've 'been a woman' for some time now then?" asked Lindsay, using the same quotation marks her mum had used, grinning widely and already knowing the answer to this question.

"Honey, I open that door and you'll be living in an impenetrable ivory tower for the rest of your life and no amount of hair growing would get you out. So we'll be keeping the actual details between you and me, although I will admit I am fairly certain he knows you are Corey did more than hold hands especially after the way he dumped you."

"Yeah, thanks for reminding me of that too. Maybe you should have told daddy and he could have hunted Corey?"

"I would love to have done that but for some unknown reason I love your father and don't want to be restricted to conjugal visits for the rest of my life. I have needs too."

"Mum! Too much information! Don't you know the rules? Your parents have only had sex dependent upon the number of children you have, therefore you and daddy have had sex four times. That is all I want and need to ever know."

"But where's the fun in that? Doesn't it occur to you kids that parents like to freak out their children as much as their children like to their parents?"

"Freak out? Honestly mum, how old are you?"

"Old enough for you to respect me."

"Nah I respect you because you are my mum. The age thing is an added bonus when it comes to picking on your parents!"

"I would love to know where you have learnt this behaviour. I don't ever remember talking to my mum like this. It is either your dad or brothers and I'm wondering if I should kill them or is it too late? When did it become right to disrespect your parents?"

"Firstly I will say my brothers are very influential and it is probably a bit too late to worry about that one. Secondly, you would hate it if we were nice to you all the time and you would wonder if we were ill and lastly, I spoke to grandma loads and the stories she told me about you were a lot worse than nanny's about dad! So don't you talk to me about being disrespectful. I know all about you sneaking out to the festival when you were fifteen and the grief you gave grandma afterwards!"

"This isn't about me and so let's go back to the original topic!"

"How can you change the subject but I can't?"

"Because"

"I'm a mummy!" chorused Lindsay and her mum together.

"You'll get to use that line one day and believe me it's a good one!" said her mum, a big grin on her face.

Lindsay decided to get back on topic. "When did daddy get the web cam?"

"A few weeks ago, after James told him you were looking at job ads. James casually mentioned the New York job and the next thing I know we have a web cam and he's asking Freddy if you can stay with him should you get the job."

"Really? He's asked Uncle Freddy if I can stay with him? Why?"

"Because he loves you and Freddy is family. And he is worried about you living with some lunatic who will murder you in your sleep. Plus he figured for some unknown reason that you would prefer to sleep in a room rather than a cardboard box until you find your own place. However, you don't know this and as soon as you get the letter he'll be telling you. OK?"

"My lips are sealed."

"That would be a first."

"I'm going to miss this mum."

"Well, we'll find a good phone plan for both of us that means it doesn't matter how long we talk. And you know you can phone anytime. I know it will be difficult with your job, especially being new and wanting to work when they tell or ask you to, but we'll make it work. And if worse comes to the worse, there's always the middle of the night when you're working."

"Oh sure, I'm going to phone you in the middle of the night when you are sleeping, just to talk."

"We spent nearly two years having regular contact and conversations at night, didn't we? Linds?"

Lindsay looked at her mum guilt coursing through her veins and her blood suddenly running cold, and slowly nodded her head knowing her mum wouldn't let it drop until she had acknowledged her question.

"Baby, you have nothing to feel guilty about."

"How do you know?" Lindsay whispered, tears threatening to fall again.

"I know because we have spent a lot of the last nine years together, especially when you have needed someone to comfort you or talk to you or just listen. I know how your mind works. You feel guilt with very little effort and usually for no good reason. I did it then and I will continue to be here for you in the future. So if homesickness hits you at three in the morning, phone me. If you wake me I'll come down to the lounge so daddy can sleep and we can talk. If I'm tired the next day I can have a nap."

"Thank you mummy," said Lindsay gratefully, holding her arms out to her mum for a hug. Five minutes later still holding each other tightly, there was a knock at the door.

"Hey, maybe this is the letter we've been waiting for that will get rid of you at long last!"

"We were having a moment mum!"

"'Were' Linds, past tense!" said her mum cheekily as she walked to the front door.

Lindsay sat waiting nervously at the table, hoping that whoever was at the door was delivering her letter. And then her thoughts started rambling away with themselves. 'If they were delivering her letter why wouldn't they use the post box? They wouldn't waste money sending it by courier or signed delivery. Would they? No, it can't be, which means', Lindsay looks at the clock on the wall, 'at least another hour before the post comes. Crap. Thank goodness mum didn't hear that because I can't do with another lecture on language today. Seriously, where does she think I get it from? I'm surrounded by men at home and at work; of course I'm going to hear it and so why should she be surprised that I swear? Dad's mouth is worse than all of us put together. Well, maybe not Peter or Jake or Tony. Who am I kidding; they are all filthy mouthed brutes. I am so going to miss them if I go to New York. Can I really do this? Go to New York, alone? I'll bet they've changed their minds!' and with that she sighed very loudly and dramatically before putting her head back in her hands. "What am I doing?"

"I'm guessing you're having a conversation in your head which, knowing you, have been all round the houses to get you back to the starting point which is probably that they don't want you in New York," said her mum returning back into the kitchen.

"Did I say what I thought I was thinking out loud?"

"No, just the last bit 'what am I doing?' I worked out the rest from there. Before you ask go back to the same disclosure about knowing you that I tell you at least once daily."

"You're a mind reader aren't you?"

"It's called 'mummy radar'."

"It's freaky is what it is."

"I'm your mother, of course I'm freaky. But your dad's worse than me!" and with that Eve finally produced the letter from behind her back that had literally been burning her hands whilst she had fun at her daughter's expense. Sometimes it was too easy but had to be done.

"What's this?"

"A letter."

"I can see that."

"Why did you ask."

"Who's it for?"

"You which is why I'm handing it too you."

"Ok, no need to get smart."

"That's my line."

"OK. Can I have my letter please?"

"Only as long as I can read it after."

"Why? Are you eager to get rid of me?"

"Yes, we've got some college students who want to have work experience here and I need your room to provide them with some accommodation."

If anyone had a poker face it was Lindsay's mum. Lindsay looked at her and was convinced that her mum was serious. The problem was how to approach this without looking stupid. She took a breath and realised she wasn't getting out of this unscathed and took the bull by the horns. "Are you serious?"

"Of course I am. Why would I lie?"

"To mess with me."

"Yes but that's not the reason today. We just want to make a bit of extra money."

Lindsay sat mouth open shocked at her mum's admission. Two minutes later Eve started laughing.

"I hate you, you know that?" grumbled Lindsay.

"I love you too. Now open that blasted letter before I do it for you."

"That would be illegal."

"Not if it was over your dead body. Then I would be sorting through your affairs."

"I can't work out why I am hesitant about leaving you."

"Because you would miss this. And good home cooked food."

"I can cook, having lived away from home for the last few years."

"It's still not the same as my food."

"You win."

"I always do. Now have you done anything with that envelope yet?"

"I need scissors."

"And you're incapable of getting them yourself?"

"Yes. Plus I thought you'd enjoy looking after me before I leave."

"Get them yourself before I throttle you."

"James would be on my side as the dead person."

"Don't kid yourself. I've known him longer."

"I still hate you" muttered Lindsay finally moving to get the scissors. She sat back down, hands trembling now as she opened the letter. Why did people over use sellotape on letters? Did they have nothing better to do? The next thing she knew her mum had taken the letter off her to open it, in order to reduce the risk of blood, as it was starting to look likely that Lindsay was about to cut at least one finger off. And there was no way she was having her beautiful hardwood floor stained with blood. Well, no more blood than was already on it. Once it was open she passed the letter back to her daughter, without reading it.

Shakily taking the letter out of the envelope, Lindsay opened it and read it. Three times. Just to make sure the words hadn't changed each time she read it. She took a deep breath and spoke. "The good news is you can rent out my room." She paused trying to go for some dramatic effect as she waited to tell her mum the unexpected bit of the letter.

"What else?" asked Eve, getting impatient. There was dramatic license and there was far too much time being wasted.

Lindsay's voice had dropped to a whisper now as she herself tried to take in what she was reading. "I... I start in two weeks. Although I don't know if James will agree to that."

"He already has."

"How do you know?"

"He told us after your interview when Mr Taylor rang him."

"Is there anything else I should know about my new job that you already know?"

"You'll miss my interfering."

"I won't."

"You will."

"I won't."

"I love you honey and I'm so proud of you."

"I love you too mum."

**I would like to say a very big thank you to Brina for reading and re-reading all the different versions of this story and new bits amd not laughing at me. And for encouraging me in far too many ways to keep writing this and posting it _*big hugs*_ and thanks!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I would like to say a huge thnk you to everyone who reviewed, put on alert and who read the first chapter. I am amazed and grateful for your wonderful wods :D**

_Disclaimer: Please see first chapter as I still don't own a thing. Except my dvd's. _

A few days later Lindsay woke earlier than she wanted or needed to be, in her childhood bedroom. She had been living back at her parents for three days now. Most of her possessions were in storage in one of the large barns on the ranch, ready to be shipped to her once she had her own apartment. She had been incredibly lucky regarding her housing situation. The apartment she owned in Bozeman sold quickly and she had made a decent profit thanks to the improvement of the neighbourhood. Lindsay knew the money would be essential when she moved and would help her to get an apartment in Manhattan. If she was going to move to New York of course she was going to live in Manhattan. She might move out to one of the other boroughs at a later date, but she needed to know what it was like living in that densely populated island where life would be moving at a pace she could only dream of. As she thought about moving to New York she felt the excitement rising up within her. She had spent a large part of the last three weeks since she saw the job advert - her job advert - with her nose in travel guides and online trying to find all the places she wanted to see, tours to go on and where to eat. She figured bars and clubs could come later, maybe on the advice and recommendations of her new colleagues. That said, Uncle Freddy had told her of a country bar, not that far from work, so if she ever needed a little bit of home in the city it was there. That was definitely worth remembering and she could only hope to meet other like minded people who had taken the giant step to move from the country to the urban jungle.

Within 24 hours of being back at her parents' house she remembered why she loved her having her own house. It wasn't that she didn't love her parents or that she didn't enjoy spending time with them. It was that she missed her own space. She missed being able to eat when she felt hungry and not at her "dad directed" meal times. It was easier for her dad to have meals at the same time every day. It fitted in with his routine and the work on the ranch. The problem was it didn't fit in with Lindsay's work and life, yet her mother seemed to think it should. For the duration of her time first as a cop, then as a CSI Lindsay had lived in Bozeman. Her daily routine and mealtimes fitted in with work; not the other way around. It was so frustrating being coerced into eating a cooked meal at 5.30pm when you had only just woken up after three hours of sleep and a sixteen hour shift. Food was the last thing on her mind. Unfortunately it was the first thing on her mother's mind. Lindsay lay in bed willing herself to sleep so she could avoid the food that she knew was being cooked downstairs. She needed to sleep, especially as she was back on shift at 8pm and if she was lucky, she might manage a total of six hours of sleep. She loved her mum and her mum's cooking but a roast dinner for breakfast was wrong. In any language, place or culture.

Lindsay missed not having to explain everything to someone. She missed being able to be unhappy or cry without someone panicking just in case she was going to have a breakdown. It reminded her of the weeks after the shooting when no one would leave her alone. The only time she was on her own was when she was in the bathroom - which was a lot - or when she slept, well at least until the nightmares kicked in. Moving away from home was a big enough deal in the first place. She thought back to when she started college and the turmoil that was within her as she left the only home she had known.

_She had been excited at starting a new phase of her life but she dreaded being without her parents and having to make decisions for herself. She was an adult and already she missed adolescence and had her parents making decisions for her since that fateful night, although as she thought about it logically now and with hindsight, she was eternally grateful for them taking over parts of her life, especially as there were many days when she couldn't even decide if she wanted cheese or ham in a sandwich. She considered the freedom living on campus could hold for her. She could go out all night if she wanted. She could have boyfriends in her room. Heck, she could even have a boyfriend, although the fact she had never had one had more to do with the diner shooting than her dad. Mind you, her dad hadn't been too pleased when he heard Lindsay and her mum discussing contraceptives. Well, not so much as discussing as sitting at the table listening to her mum telling her about all different types of contraception and birth control including 'coitus interruptus'. That was a fun afternoon and one she never hoped to experience again. Her dad would of course prefer abstinence but so far he had nothing to worry about as all the boys and most of the girls at school considered her a leper and their lives to be at risk if they got within five foot of her. Suddenly there was hope as Lindsay realised there might be boys from outside of the local area who knew about her past. She may even find love. It was so worth leaving home and going to college._

_Lindsay remembered that how lonely she was after she lost her three best friends. She felt as though her whole world had collapsed and she would never have friends to confide in. No one would ever know her like they did. She wouldn't have the memories of childhood uniting her with another person - family excluded. Let's face it, there's stuff she could tell her family and stuff she could tell her parents and they may not be the same. Lindsay and her mum had become closer after the shooting. Her mum had looked after her and given up her life for almost two years as she suffered the extreme consequences of witnessing such a brutal crime. She held onto the love and bond they had so tightly and knew that nothing, not even death would break it. Her mum knew almost everything about her, but Lindsay still wanted friends. People her own age that she could talk to about clothes, movies, food, boys and all those stupid things that have you in fits of laughter, tears falling down your face with bystanders looking at you like you had lost your mind. She had had that with the girls. Lindsay, Kelly, Amanda and Rose had been united by love and a friendship going back way back when. She realised that any friends she made after the shooting would never know about those things and there would be no reminiscing about the good times or looking at each other and laughing when they saw photos of them wearing wellington boots, tutus, one of Lindsay's brothers t-shirts and a tiara. And no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't remember why it had to be her brother's t-shirt. The rest of the items of clothing she got, but Jake's t-shirt was still a complete mystery. Any friends she made now would think that was stupid or fancy dress, not four friends enjoying life, laughing and playing._

_It pained her heart to know as she finally accepted that her life had been cut in two. There was pre- and post-shooting. Her childhood had ended early and brutally and adulthood started early, without the responsibility of making some decisions, but only Lindsay had control over moving on past what had happened. It was a chance meeting with Kelly's mum on her first birthday after the shooting. It had been so emotional, heartbreaking and a vicious attack on Lindsay's survival. After spending a day alone remembering her previous birthday celebrations, a conversation she had with the girls one day about where they all saw their future to be headed towards came to mind._

"_Hey guys, where do you think we will all be when we are twenty five?" asked Kelly whilst remaining engrossed in her toenails which were sporting a very bright shade of pink, much to Lindsay and Amanda's disgust._

"_Well, you are going to be a famous actress, living the high life in LA. Amanda will be doing a PHD, probably in psychology or maybe a doctor moving on towards her chosen speciality, although I'm not sure what that is. As for Rose you'll either be on Broadway dancing your little socks off or maybe a showgirl in Vegas."_

"_What about you Linds? What you gonna do?" asked Kelly, overjoyed by Lindsay choice of career for her, and the fact that she would be rich and famous. OK Lindsay hadn't said rich but of course she would be that was a given._

"_I will be working in science. I'm a bit unsure of what field, although I saw a programme about how they solved a crime. I might look into that because it looks so interesting. I could ask James, dad's friend, that's what he does. He solves crimes. That said I'm not sure if I could cope with all the gore, so maybe something in research, curing cancer or something like that."_

"_Yes!" said Kelly, having finished her toenails and jumping up, leaving a blob of neon pink nail varnish on Lindsay's new quilt. "Then we will all be rich and famous in our chose fields and world domination will be ours!"_

_The girls laughed at Kelly's over-dramatic response to Lindsay's suggestions. The other three had all come up with their own suggestions about their future lives, although no matter what was suggested Kelly had them all ending up being rich and famous._

Lindsay turned in her childhood bed and the smile which had been on her face faded. She found the faded pink stain on her quilt and touched it lovingly, as if she was touching her friends before her. Kelly was right, they had become famous. Well, famous within Montana. But what a shitty way to achieve fame and in Lindsay's case notoriety. Definitely no fortune either. Lindsay felt tears filling her eyes and got annoyed at herself for allowing it to have such control over her emotions even all these years later. She sighed heavily, the moment of joy at the recollection of their conversation rapidly pushed out the way by grief and devastation again. As if trying to block to block out the pain and negative emotions she grabbed the pillow from under her head and put it over her face. And screamed as loud as she could. Well, as loud as she could without being a few fields away from the house. Or alone. Or increasing the risk of her mum hearing her and coming to see how she was.

Five minutes later and with no knock on the door having been heard and she finally reappeared from under her pillow. Fortunately there had been no knock on the door. Unfortunately her mum had walked in the room and was stood looking at her, hands on hips.

"Hi?" she offered trying to stop the questions she knew would follow any second.

"Don't you 'hi' me. What's the problem?"

"Nothing" snapped Lindsay really not wanting to have this conversation, especially before her last shift at work. It was going to be tough that it was her last shift and even tougher knowing it was a night shift. She wouldn't get to say 'goodbye' to many of her work colleagues as they wouldn't have even started their day when she left. They had thrown her a leaving party, much to her disappointment. Apparently 'please don't throw me a party' actually meant throw me a party and embarrass me'. Lindsay didn't like being the centre of attention. She had been in the spotlight for far too long after the shooting and was more than happy to have passed that torch along to someone else. Apparently this memo hadn't reached the ears of her friends, or at least their brains because apparently they all declared that they had heard her. They just chose it ignore her. How she hated them and missed them before she had even left. She had a mile high pile of paperwork to sort and information to pass on to everyone else in the team to sort, for the second time because she had actually already done all of it. Then there was her desk to empty. It would be a hard night and her mum had decided to start that little party earlier than planned.

"Lindsay Monroe, do you think I haven't heard you screaming into your pillow before? I'm not stupid. There's something wrong. Even without knowing you the tone of your voice would have given you away."

"For goodness sake mum, can't I be allowed to just wallow sometimes? I don't need you running up here every time I cry or scream in my pillow like it was nine years ago. I'm OK. I needed to let it out. I have. It's done." Lindsay felt the anger and frustration rising within her and her mum was the perfect target.

"Suit yourself. Dinner's ready." With that she turned around and started to walk out the door.

"I'm not hungry and need to get to work early."

"Fine," and with that her mum left the room.

"Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap" she muttered before burying herself under her pillow again. She hadn't meant to snap at her mum, but she was there in the wrong place at the wrong time. On top of that she couldn't cope with a parental interrogation. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. Just not today.

After moping in bed for another ten minutes she looked at the clock and groaned. She was going to be late meeting up with James before he left for the day if she didn't move five minutes ago. So she jumped up and into the shower, deciding to day there only time for a quick wash before rushing out. Letting the water do its magic stress relieving trick would have to wait for another day. Maybe it would be raining by the time she got to work and she could park away from the lab & let the rain do its thing? As it turned out it was the driest month for quite some time, so she had no luck there and arrived at work late, flustered and in a worse mood than when she left home.

"Linds can you tell the time? If not you really need to learn before you get to the big smoke. They'll think you're from some backwards town, which you are as we know, but don't give them fuel to the 'country idiot' jokes" greeted James a smile on his face. He had known Lindsay since birth as he was friends with her parents. He was also the lead CSI after the shooting and she had been working with for the past three years. James had a great sense of humour and had told Lindsay it was essential to be able to cope with the job. As she told James at her interview she had to have a sense of humour to be a part of her family and live with three brothers. It helped her get the job, along with her knowledge, first class honours degree, her tenacity, resilience and determination. Suddenly Lindsay stopped in the middle of the hall, remembered her first day as a CSI.

_Lindsay approached James office with a degree of trepidation. She had worked so hard to prove that she could do this job and was determined to be good at it. She had worked as a cop in Bozeman for the previous year as there were no vacancies within the crime lab. Being the person she was Lindsay had relished the opportunity of gaining experience working with both victims and criminals and learning as much as she could about procedures, the law, observing crime scene team at work and watching interrogations. She had been thankful for the first time in her life for having been surrounded by boys because working in such a male orientated environment it helped to know how they thought, behaved and spoke. She never had any problems fitting in with them nor did she have any problems taking them down a peg or two when the need arose. Which was a lot more than even she had thought possible._

_When a job had become available in the crime scene team, Lindsay hadn't hesitated to apply. James had spent a large part of her interview discussing how she thought she would cope with the worst scenes they could possibly attend, especially bloody scenes. Lindsay was, for the first time, overjoyed to have spent time at crime scenes as a cop. She had been able to find ways of coping before applying for this job and although it had probably seemed to be of a morbid nature to those she worked with but for her it was essential if she was to work in her preferred chosen career. She would have been lying if she said it was easy. More than once she had gone home from work and broken down in tears or let the nightmares take over her sleep. But she was stronger than in the early years after the shooting. Lindsay was able to allow herself to cry, scream, grieve and then close the door on that time in her life. Her mum always worried that by closing the door on her issues rather than working through them that she would never be fully free to live. Lindsay said she had worked through them but there would always be things to bring back the memories. But the reality was she would never be totally free whilst the killer was free. In all the years since the shooting Lindsay had lost hope that he would ever be captured and had to learn to live as it was. It hurt but it was reality. Her reality. No matter how much it sucked._

_She remembered the first crime scene she was called to as a CSI. As it happened it was a shooting and bloody. Very bloody. And the breakfast she had eaten had already threatened to come back up without even seeing the scene, as she relived leaving the bathroom and seeing her friends on the floor. Whilst Lindsay retrieved her kit and checked it for the hundredth time, even though she knew it was fully stocked because it hadn't been used, James approached her._

"_Maybe you should wait for a different scene. I'll take this one over for you. We can say you still have paper to complete and policies to read."_

_Lindsay turned round in a flash, anger evident in her eyes and her muscles tensed. "Seriously? You are going to hold me from a case? Why did you employ me if I can't work scenes like everyone else?" She stopped to glare at James trying to reign in her anger. She lowered her voice before continuing. "You are to treat me like any other person who works here? Got it? I am not an invalid. I am not disabled. I lived through a violent experience. I have seen bloody crime scenes before as a cop and unlike many of the others here I am fairly certain I have coping mechanisms in place before I started this job rather than many other people here who had to wait to see a scene like that before finding their own coping mechanisms. Please James?" Her voice had softened by the end of her speech, and her muscles relaxed a little, although she did have the beginning of a tension headache which she had presumed would have been the case at the end of the day rather than the beginning._

_James leant on the door of her shared office and finally responded. "You sure?"_

"_Look if I am going to do this job I need to do it all, just as you, Lacey, Colin and Parker do. You can't pick and choose what I do because people will talk. I don't know if they know about my past but I don't want to shout it out. I don't want or need to be judged because of my past. I want to be judged on my ability to do this job. If you think I am not coping or the right person for this job then fire me at my first appraisal."_

_James held out his hand and waited for Lindsay to hold it and 'shake on it'. With a smile he looked at her and said, "You'd better get your butt in gear, Parker and Lacey are waiting. Come see me later and let me know how it goes and how you are. That's none negotiable, OK?"_

"_Deal." With a skip in her step Lindsay grabbed her kit and ran to meet up with her work colleagues before working her first scene of the job she knew she was meant to do._

_And it felt good. _

"Lindsay? Lindsay? Earth to Lindsay!" called James his voice getting louder and louder as he tried to get her attention. "What the hell happened to you? One minute you were walking and talking the next nothing. Are you OK?"

"Oh hey, sorry James I drifted off for a moment." Replied Lindsay, her mind still thinking about that first day as she looked round the lab at the start of her final shift there.

"Ok, my office, now." And with that James put his hand on her back, guiding her towards his spacious office in the back of the department. "Sit. Talk."

"Gosh James, I have no idea what you want from me Could you please expand?" said Lindsay sarcastically, enjoying the bantering she could have with her boss.

"You're a funny girl Monroe. You have no idea how much I've looked forward to this day. We're finally getting rid of you!" said James, making sure he too enjoyed this bantering session before she left. Lindsay had no idea how much he loved her sense of humour and ability to banter in virtually any situation. It made the job so much easier and in a job that was incredibly depressing and stressful you had to laugh. And get on with your colleagues; otherwise it could be a long day, especially if you were out at a scene. He didn't have the same rapport with most of his other workers but it was different with Lindsay. Always had been always would be. He loved her attitude to work and he loved how she refused to be treated differently, even in the toughest of times. She was an inspiration and a ray of hope and an amazing example of human inner strength and determination. God he would miss her but he had no doubts that she had almost outgrown their lab and that she would do great things in New York. She was never meant to stay in Montana. Lindsay was meant for great success and bigger things. As he sat opposite her in his office, James was filled with a sense of pride and fatherly love for this beautiful, young woman.

"How are you doing?"

"You know, mum's driving me nuts, most of my stuff is in boxes and I'm fairly certain I've put on weight because she is feeding me up. I think she is worried that I will waste away when I am living in New York. You wouldn't believe I have lived on my own for a few years now and can look after myself but no. On top of that she seems to think that a roast dinner is an appropriate breakfast. Seriously! She is nuts, and the likelihood is I will be before long too. Sorry, that rant has been a long time coming this week and you were stupid enough to ask the question."

"Stupid? You're calling your boss stupid?"

"Fire me if you like then I can clear out my locker now and go home and back to sleep until I leave. And before you start saying you could phone Mac Taylor, you wouldn't because otherwise he might not have me, then I'd taken you to an industrial tribunal and you would have to re-employ me."

"How would you get out of the fact that I fired you because you called me stupid?" he asked stressing the third 'you'. He really was enjoying this conversation and Lindsay's wonderful logic.

"I'd say I was incredibly sleep deprived because you were working me too hard and I worked nearly two weeks worth of hours in less than a week." She answered, stressing the 'you' as James had done.

"God I'm going to miss your logic, drama queen outbursts and reconstructions."

"You won't miss the reconstructions. Now everyone is going to leave you alone, just how you like it."

"Yeah and best of all I didn't tell Mac Taylor he would soon become a human guinea pig. How I wish I could be fly on the wall when he finds that one out for himself!" said James with a grin on his face.

"Yeah I can't wait to see what opportunities I will get for recreating things. Maybe it'll be something stinky or really cool and old school, you know mixing chemicals to find the right reaction. I love science and I love mixing and matching chemicals!"

"Don't most women love mixing and matching clothes or interior designs?"

"I'm not most women!"

"That you're not – thank goodness. I can't imagine you as a girly girl."

"Nah that was always Kelly and Rose's roles. I was the science nerd yet somehow still cool and Amanda a bookworm who loved the rest of us for exactly who we were." Lindsay's voice tailed off as she remembered her friends.

"I never thought I'd see the day when you could talk about them with a smile."

"I don't think anyone did, including me." Lindsay looked at James and smiled. "It's good you know. To be able to think of the good times and not break down. I have to thank you for that."

"Why? I didn't do anything."

"Bullshit. You were there at the beginning and hopefully to the end. You kept me from falling off the rails. You were the one adult who was always direct with me. You always told me the truth even if I didn't want to hear it. At the time it was shit but now, now I have so much gratitude to you for it because I can see how hard you worked to solve the case. I can't imagine how tough it must have been to tell a fourteen year old kid that the killer who executed their friends was still at large. Yet you did. I will never forget that."

"It was my job."

"You could have bullshitted and made up some excuse or story in cahoots with my parents."

"Yeah and met up with your dad at the bar with a shotgun up my nose? I don't think so!"

They both laughed at this image but it was the truth. The Monroe's believed in honesty, no matter how tough it was. They were so grateful to James for keeping them updated, especially in the early days after the shooting. At the time it seemed like so much information to try and take in. Lindsay often said she felt like she was drowning in the negativity of what he told her but looking back she was so relieved that she had known what the score was. She could only image what it would be like to have your family and those who loved you blatantly to your face in the belief that they were protecting you'. She didn't believe that way of doing things and so didn't lie when talking to victims or their families. As hard as it was, honesty really is the best policy. And her daddy would so have blasted James' brains away CSI or no CSI, had he lied to them.

"So how does it feel to be finally here - your last day?"

"I don't know."

"Lindsay, it's me. Not the other members of our team. I know you and you know me. So, I'll try again. How does it feel to be here on your last day?"

Unexpectedly the tears started falling and Lindsay tried to regain some sort of composure, with limited success.

"Linds?"

"I'm OK. I'm just a huge mass of emotions. One minute I'm happy, then sad, terrified, excited, nervous etc etc. I just don't feel that I have control of myself at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I am so excited by this amazing opportunity and I know that I am so lucky to have been offered the job, but it doesn't take away the negative emotions but I so wish they would disappear because it would make this whole process so much easier."

"But if you didn't have the negative emotions you wouldn't know the positive ones. And I think it's good to be nervous or sad or terrified. You need to be able to let go of Montana. I'm not saying cut the strings totally. I'm saying cut the bad ones. You stay here and they'll never leave you. Leave and you can move on. You have the right to a life. Your friends wouldn't want to think you missed out on this opportunity because of their deaths. They would hate you for it." James paused to give Lindsay time for his words to sink in. When no reply was forthcoming, he spoke again. "You know that's true? Don't you?"

"It doesn't make it any easier," she replied, the tears flowing more freely now.

"No. You are leaving more behind than many others. It was such a huge event that has dominated your life for so long that it has become you. You need to do this to find you. Lindsay the survivor. Not Lindsay the victim."

"I haven't been Lindsay the victim for years," she said feeling putout at what James was implying.

"But you are. Not because of you or your family or those of us who know you here. But the people of this town, of the ranches or the people who went to school with you, for them you will always be the victim and that is what is going to hold you back if you stay here because they will never let you forget it. Go to New York and find you - the real you - and then come back and show all those people who wrote you off as a psychotic murderer or a lunatic that you are someone. You are strong, a survivor and better than them. Do it for your family. Do it for the girls, but mostly do it for yourself."

Lindsay sat and contemplated what James had said. She knew he was right, her family had told her many, many times before. But hearing it and allowing herself to accept it totally and to live it was something else. And that was one of the things she was looking forward to most, being with people who didn't know her past. Who would judge her for who she is, not who she was, and that was exciting.

"Have you decided what you are going to tell your new work colleagues?"

"I'm not."

"Why?"

"I have only been seen as this girl who was there when her friends were shot. It has dominated my life for so long. I thought going to college it would stop. I thought meeting people from out of state would be exciting and a clean slate but I couldn't have been more wrong. I mean, look at what happened with Corey and Lizzie at college."

**It may seem as if it has ended abruptly but in trying to manage chapter lengths this was the best place to stop. The next part will tell more about Corey and Lizzie. **

**Thanks again to Brina who has been amazing reading this and helping me edit it for posting. What would I do without you?**


	3. Chapter 3

_**thank you to everyone who reviewed or read my little story. your words made my day and they were wonderful! **_

**_ok, this part is a flashback that follows on directly from chapter 2 and wil continue in chapter three. i split that chapters up otherwise it would have been nearly 10,000 words! I will get the next chapter up soon :) _**

_Lindsay had been excited about starting college. It was a new start for her. Meeting people who were like her and studious eager to learn. Best of all, there would almost certainly be loads of people there who didn't know her. People who didn't know about what she had been through. Who would only see her for being her and not 'that diner girl', as she was known as during high school, along with a whole other group of names she tried desperately not to remember. _

_The first few weeks of college has passed by in a blur. It was a time of orientation, finding her way as an adult, now fully responsible for all the decisions she made; finding her way round the campus which was harder than she had first thought; and finding her way through the classes and piles of work the professors thought it was funny to laden them with. Then there was getting to know her dorm mates and especially the girl, Lizzie, whom she shared her room with. It had been exciting and the nerves and dread that had overtaken her before she left home dissipated into oblivion. It was a wonderful free time and Lindsay thought she had finally let go of the label 'diner girl'. Now she was just 'Lindsay Monroe'. And it was good. Really good. _

_She had made a decision before she left to go to college that under no circumstances was she telling anyone what had happened to her, although she was aware that there were a few people from high school who were going to be at the college. Fortunately God had been on her side as the main instigators of the torture she suffered through the high school years had either gone to college elsewhere in the country, dropped out of school and were working or, in a couple of cases, had married and / or gotten pregnant. Yes, it looked as though her life was really beginning and she felt as though she was a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, having been a lonely caterpillar for years beforehand. _

_Lindsay and Lizzie were both studious and wanted to achieve their goals. They studied hard and achieved good grades in all their work. They never missed a class and supported each other when the workload was getting too much or too tough. Five months after starting college, surviving Christmas, mid-terms and an ever increasing workload, Lindsay's birthday was rapidly approaching. She liked to spend at least part of her birthday visiting her friends' graves. They had, after all, been a big part of her life for so long. They had celebrated every birthday together up to her fourteenth birthday. She wanted and needed to see them, even if it was just for a few minutes. _

_It had taken Lindsay nine months, until her birthday, to visit her friends' graves. It was a tough day emotionally and physically. She had been so full of rage and frustration and 'escaped' from her parents home and concern and ridden her precious horse Aragon to the cemetery. Her reaction there on that first visit had shocked even her. She had cried, told her friends how much she missed them, how sorry she was, and then allowed the rage to take over. Lindsay was still in so much emotional pain that she wanted to be with her friends and she had felt like this for much of the previous nine months since it happened._

_She had felt as though she most of herself had just vanished in an instant. She was so lost and had no idea which way to go, even with the 'forced' therapy (she certainly hadn't attended it willingly up to that point) and support from her family. The truth was only her friends would do on her birthday. Quite unexpectedly Kelly's mother had turned up and her own rage had kicked in, quite literally as it happened. Lindsay had ended up being verbally and to a lesser degree physically attacked, the severity reduced by the unknown presence of her parents and brother Jake who had gone up to the cemetery in the hope she was there and to make sure she was safe. They had watched Lindsay's outpouring of grief and rage, then Mrs Parker's appearance and her fury. Lindsay had gone to one of her and her friends' favourite spots and there she finally allowed herself to remember happier times. Since that day she liked to spend her birthday, or at least part of her birthday, going to the cemetery and then the creek, another place the girls frequented regularly. And there was no way college would interfere with her birthday celebration and remembrance._

_Lindsay was lucky that first year. Her birthday had fallen on a Saturday. She had made plans to go home on the Friday night so she could spend time with the family. Early on the Saturday she would be off up to the cemetery and creek and then, hopefully back to the dorm late afternoon so she could go out that evening. She had told Lizzie it wouldn't be guaranteed as it depended upon how long the other things she had to do took. Lizzie had found it all too cryptic and wanted to find out the truth. _

_Lizzie Adams as it turns out was a very studious person. She loved her work and she loved spending time with Lindsay debating questions from their classes and helping each other with their homework. In so many ways they were similar in their behaviours and attitudes towards study, their future and even socialising. Lindsay and Lizzie did go out but only two or three times a month. Both put their studies first and found going to the large college parties quite overwhelming. Lindsay because she had been a social outcast for four years and Lizzie because she had come from a very small town. It was one of the reasons why they clicked and became friends. But what Lindsay didn't like about Lizzie was that she was a gossip and she had no problems sharing or obtaining information about her fellow students. Lindsay found it hard sometimes, listening to her friend's gossiping but she did believe it wasn't malicious but just that Lizzie was excitable about being among so many like minded people. There was always a little warning light at the back of Lindsay' mind and she was always cautious of what she shared with Lizzie but as time on and their friendship grew, that warning light faded a little too quickly. _

_On her birthday Lindsay had done as she planned. She had gone to the cemetery and spent two hours talking to her friends about her life since she last visited. She told them all about college and her new friend and her plans for the future. She then rode one of her father's horses, her own beloved horse Aragon having died the previous summer, which had devastated Lindsay because it felt as though another thread to her past had snapped. After the cemetery she made her way slowly to the creek. Taking her boots and shoes off she made her way over to the rocks and sat down, feet in the water and she let her mind wander back through the happy memories of birthday celebrations past - her and her friends'. Lindsay found herself drifting off as she lay down on the rock, her feet still dangling in the water. She was always more tired at this time of year as she found the emotional stress of her approaching her birthday without them but this year it had intensified with the stress of college and a huge academic workload. Three hours later she woke disorientated briefly, but as soon as she realised the time she jumped up on the horse and galloped home. _

_Lindsay said her goodbyes to the family and made it back to college at seven in the evening. She literally jumped in the shower and threw some clothes on before going out to celebrate with friends. She went to a local bar with Lizzie and some other friends from their dorm. They had a wonderful time laughing and dancing and drinking. It was a great night. Lindsay finally felt that she was having a real grown up birthday celebration. What she didn't know was that she had been watched all night by a handsome student called Corey. He was six foot tall, very muscular, blond hair and green eyes. Corey was actually in a couple of Lindsay's classes but because he wasn't as eager about his studies, he didn't run in the same circles as Lindsay. However he did notice her. He noticed her figure, her hair and the way the curls bounced when she walked and he noticed her eyes. They would sparkle when she talked about something she liked or enjoyed, they would become dull when she was worried and when she was angry, oh how he loved her eyes then. There was a glint in her eyes that suggested to him that she was a passionate person and he decided that he wanted her. _

_Corey sat at the bar watching Lindsay as she talked animatedly with her friends. She was surrounded by six other people and it became fairly obvious that it was someone's birthday. He had already had a few beers, having taken up residence in the bar earlier that afternoon and it took him longer that it should have done to realise whose birthday it was. The minute he worked out it was Lindsay's he knew he had a good reason to introduce himself to her. So after a quick trip to the bathroom and then twenty minutes standing outside in a desperate attempt to sober up a little, he took a deep breath and walked over to Lindsay and her friends. _

"_So who do I have the pleasure of giving a birthday kiss to?" he asked trying to be charming and funny, but coming off more like a drunken, dirty old man. _

_Lindsay took one look at him and believing him to be a letch turned back to her friends to continue the celebrations. He was handsome, and she had noticed him more than once in a class, but there was no was no way she was going to let some drunken frat boy spoil what was left of her day. It had been ruined on more than one occasion over the past few years. Combined with the fact that she knew exactly how stupid and horny college boys could be (again another advantage of three brothers as it turned out) she did not want to get into a conversation with him otherwise he would go from being a letch to a leech. Plus she was just about ready to collapse into bed after her day. She had managed to hold onto her emotions thus far but the alcohol was breaking down the dam that had been holding them back for the past three hours since she had returned back from the ranch. _

"_You OK?" asked Lizzie, taking note at how her friend had suddenly gone paler than usual and all of a sudden looked exhausted. _

"_Yeah, I'm just tired; it's been a long couple of weeks." Lindsay had tried to be reassuring but it didn't work. _

_Living in close proximity to another person meant that you soon quickly picked up on each other's moods and behaviours and Lizzie became concerned about her friend's sudden change in demeanour. "Come on Linds, you're not OK. You want to go home?"_

"_Yeah, I think that isn't a bad idea." She answered, allowing the tiredness take her over, so she would have a genuine 'excuse' to escape the drunken man who was starting to freak her out. _

"_So are you off then birthday girl?" asked Corey again, trying to stop the obvious departure of the object of his affection. _

"_Yes" said Lindsay curtly, hoping to give him the hint. She hated drunken men. The only ones who got away with it were her brothers and dad. And that was because she had more than enough ammunition to ensure that they were 'her bitches' for as long as the situation warranted. In her brothers case she milked it for as long as she could again and again, mostly because they were stupid enough to get drunk again and again. She never got tired of it and they were never clever or sober enough to work it out. This guy in front of her was something else. She recognised him but had no idea where from. And the sooner she left the better as far as she was concerned. _

_After a few minutes of gathering everything together Lindsay and Lizzie left their friends to go onto a local club. They made their way back to their dorm room, and Lindsay was relieved to see that the guy hadn't followed them. The two friends walked slowly back to their dorm enjoying the coolness of the night after the heat in the bar. Lizzie could see that Lindsay was miles away and presumed that it was Corey who was on her mind._

"_So why didn't you want Corey to give to a birthday kiss?" asked Lizzie suddenly, wanting to break the silence that had lapsed between them. _

"_I don't know him. Why would I want a kiss from someone I don't know? And an unknown drunken letch at that!"" asked Lindsay hoping this conversation would end as soon as possible. She quickened her step and wondering if she could lose Lizzie on the way home._

"_Lindsay!" chastised her friend. "How are you going to get to know him if you don't want to talk to him? Or if you don't kiss him? Plus, he's not a letch. A drunken idiot tonight yes, but not a letch"_

"_Kissing is a good way to get to know a man?" asked Lindsay thinking this conversation was worse than stupid or maybe it was just the pain of her headache making it even more unbearable. She didn't have a clue anymore._

"_Of course you can judge a man by his kisses! Would you really want to be with someone who slobbers all over you? It's kind of like when you have your first kiss together. Know what I mean?" asked Lizzie trying to work out what Lindsay's issue was. Lindsay meanwhile wanted to crawl under the bed and die. Sadly it wasn't due to the alcohol but the stress of what Lizzie was trying to get out of her because it would have been so much easier if it had been._

"_Lindsay, don't you want to get to know Corey? He is really good looking and he was definitely checking you out tonight."_

"_You are nuts Lizzie. He wasn't checking me out, it was either Tina or Clara, I'm not sure who. I mean he wouldn't look twice at me. Look at me, I'm short, plain and well, I don't have boobs that get to tomorrow before I do!"_

_Lizzie stopped in her tracks amazed by her friend's words. Then gathered herself before starting her own 'rant'. "You are so stupid Monroe. You are beautiful and as someone who was in the cool crowd when I was in high school I can say that on good authority. So what if you're short, you get a good view of his pecs! You are anything but plain and as for your boobs, well, most men say more than a handful is too much!"_

"_Lizzie! You're incorrigible!"_

"_I am and proud of it! Believe me Linds, he was checking you out. I'm fairly certain he had a drink or two too many to gain the dutch courage he needs to talk to you."_

"_I'm not an ogre or unapproachable so why would he need dutch courage?"_

"_Because you're beautiful and smart. For someone who isn't far off flunking psych having a crush on someone who is as smart as you is terrifying."_

"_How do you know all this?" asked Lindsay still not believing anything her friend was saying._

"_He told me so."_

"_He what?" shouted Lindsay stopping dead in the middle of the road._

_Lizzie spun round to see Lindsay standing in the road, mouth open and fear or anger, she couldn't quite tell which, on her face. "Get out the road you idiot!" screamed Lizzie in return as she watched a car coming down the road. Lindsay hadn't registered what was happening and Lizzie practically dragged her out of the road just before the car came hurtling past, horns blaring. _

"_Idiot!" shouted Lizzie, offering a few choice hand gestures to the occupants of the car. "Haven't you heard of a speed limit?" _

_Lindsay finally came round from her surprise at Lizzie's admission of Corey liking her, apparently oblivious of her near miss with the car. "Does he really think I'm nice?"_

"_More than nice Linds. Keep up. Now, how about I see if I can fix you up on a date?"_

"_A date? Like going out for a meal? Being alone with him? Kissing?" Lindsay felt fear and bile rising in her throat. Lizzie didn't know about her past so there was no way she could know that the boys of her high school and the girls for that matter avoided her wherever possible. Except the few who were trying to kiss or bed her, as a dare rather than attraction, she couldn't decide which, just so they could say they had slept with a 'killer'. Even her brothers' friends had limited their visits out to the ranch. Before the girls had died there was always at least one friend at the ranch most days. The advantage of being good friends with a Monroe was you were able to learn to ride. Free of charge. Well, those who were good friends with the Monroe kids. Dave wasn't stupid and managed to work how who was trying to pull a fast one over his kids eyes. After the shooting, however, the number of friends coming out to the ranch diminished. As her brothers moved onto college the numbers did start to increase again but that had a lot to do with her brothers meeting people who didn't know about what had happened and it was limited to the holidays. Lindsay wasn't as sure around boy's as she used to be and she certainly didn't believe that anyone could ever like her for who she was because there would always be a black cloud hanging over her. The pain kept on going, just like the Duracell bunny. _

_By now they had reached their dorm and were walking along the corridor to their room. Lizzie still wasn't giving up. "Lindsay, if you don't want to go out for a meal, why not make it a daytime meeting? You could go out for coffee and get to know each other a little better. Or you could offer to help him with his course work..." her voice trailed off to let Lindsay consider what she had just suggested. _

_Lindsay felt her resolve slipping and she had to admit he was handsome and maybe this was her time to actually have a date, be a normal girl... "OK, OK. I'll go out for coffee with him but only if he wants to and you are not to force the issue with him. OK Liz?"_

"_Deal" said her friend, holding out her hand to shake with Linds. They shook hands and laughed before Lizzie spoke again. "So come on we need to go in and come up with a plan of action oh and sort out what you are going to wear and where to go to and..."_

"_Liz, shut up! You are such an idiot sometimes."_

"_Yeah you lucky soul sharing a room with an idiot!"_

"_Ha! Ha! Ha!" and the two friends fell into their room laughing._

_A week later Lindsay found herself outside of the main campus coffee shop shaking. She wished it was because of the weather, but it was a glorious and unusually warm day, twenty degrees centigrade and the sun was shining. No this was nerves, all nerves. Here she was, Lindsay Monroe, survivor of diner massacre, about to go on her first ever date. The one thing she was certain of was that she wished Kelly was there. Kelly would be giving her a pep talk and telling her what to say and do and how to kiss..._

"_Lindsay, hi!" said Corey, a little too loud as everyone in the coffee shop turned to look at him._

"_Oh my God, now they'll know you're with me," muttered Lindsay under her breath. Apparently it wasn't as quiet as she had first thought._

"_Yeah, they'll know I'm with you and off the market. With any luck in two hours it'll be all round campus!"_

_Lindsay felt her cheeks burning up and was hoping that everyone would ignore them and not wonder what on earth a hottie like Corey was doing meeting up with her. Or maybe they thought he was just meeting up with her to get some help with his studies._

"_So, how come you finally succumbed to my charms? It took you long enough?" asked Corey, a cheeky grin on his face. He was enjoying this and Lindsay couldn't decide if he was making fun of her or trying to make her feel at ease. He answered that question without her having to say anything. "Lindsay, I'm not interested in one date with you. I want to get to know you and you to get to know me. If we like what we hear about each other, well we'll see what happens. I'm not a one night stand kind of guy. Never have been and never will be. So, now that's sorted, what do you want to drink?"_

_And just like that Lindsay felt herself relaxing a little and decided to enjoy the afternoon no matter what happened. Corey seemed like a nice guy and she would never know if she didn't talk. A hot chocolate in their hands and the two of them sat back to learn what they could about each other and have a good afternoon._

As Lindsay felt herself drifting away and thinking about Corey, she wished she had let their relationship end that first day in the coffee shop. It would have just been a great meeting and for her a time to re-learn how to talk to boys again. Well, boys who were not her brothers anyway. The thing was, it didn't stop there and she couldn't turn back time and even four years later short romance could still cause her that burning pain deep down in her chest. She was grateful that James knew about what happened next, otherwise she would have wanted to hide herself away for the rest of her life. Which is what she wanted to do a few months after she met Corey.

_After that first meeting in the coffee shop Corey and Lindsay began spending more and more time with each other. They would go to the movies, have a walk round in the local parks, meet for coffee or dinner and Lindsay Also she began tutoring Corey to help him get his grades up. All her friends, and especially Lizzie, were happy for Lindsay. She always seem to start each day with a spring in her step which always got noticeably bouncier after she had seen or spoken to Corey. _

_Two weeks after their first date, whilst walking in one of the local parks, Corey asked Lindsay about her previous boyfriends. _

"_Hey Linds, can I ask you a question?"_

"_Sure," she replied, enjoying the warmth of his body as they sat next to each other on the park bench. _

"_How many other boyfriends and partners have you had?"_

"_What do you mean boyfriends and partners? They're the same thing aren't they?" she asked, confused by his question. _

"_Well not, not really," he replied, turning on the bench so he could look at her face. "Boyfriends are like what I think I am or nearly am at the moment. You know? Going out for dates, having fun, maybe kissing?" he asked, pausing to allow his words to sink in. "Partners are people you've slept with. You know, sex?"_

_Lindsay felt her face heat up as the embarrassment over the question and what he was asking hit her. She had been dreading this moment, wondering what he would think of her when he found out that rather than have men attracted to herm they avoided her. She sat looking at her hands and tried to think of the words to explain what had happened. Or rather what hadn't happened. Then the next question to pop in her head was how much did she tell Corey about her past? Was it relevant? How would he react?_

_Unbeknownst to Lindsay who was in her own head trying to work out what to say next, Corey looked at her with a smile on his face. He had guessed by her silence that she was trying to work out how to tell him she was a virgin. He could see that she was having an internal conflict and wondered when the 'right' time to interrupt would actually be. He didn't see that there was a problem; he was more than happy to be her first. Lindsay intrigued him. There was something about her that was different to other girls. _

_Lindsay was still debating the merits of what to say to Corey when she heard her name being called. Corey had been calling her for the past couple of minutes, whilst she was lost in her own world. _

"_Hey Linds? You with me?" Corey asked gently, taking hold of her hand, _

"_Sorry Corey, I kind of... drifted off for a minute there," she replied, suddenly feeling sick as she remembered the original question she was going to have to answer. _

"_You OK? You seem a little out of it?"_

"_Yeah, I was just thinking about stuff." _

"_I guessed that when it took you a while to hear me calling you." Corey still had hold of her hand and noticed that it had started shaking lightly. _

_Lindsay stopped in her tracks trying to summon the courage to say what she needed to say. Corey beat her to it. _

"_Look, I'm guessing by your silence and thought processes that you haven't slept with anyone before. Have you?"_

_Lindsay felt her cheeks burning up and nodded as she felt her mouth go dry and lost all ability to speak. She also decided that there was a patch of moss on the path that was far more interesting at that precise moment._

"_Hey Linds, I like you OK? It doesn't matter that you haven't had sex and who knows where this thing between us will go. I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon and we can just take it one day at a time, I mean if that's OK with you?"_

_The moss instantly loss its appeal as Corey's words reached her ears. Lindsay lifted her head up to look at Corey. She knew her face still resembled a raspberry and would do for some time, but her voice had decided to make reappearance, fortunately. "OK." She whispered. And with that Corey lowered his face to hers and Lindsay experienced her first kiss, a moment she would never forget - no matter how much she might want to a few months later. But, at that moment she enjoyed the sun shining down on them both, the light breeze keeping away any humidity and remembered where and when she was at the time of her first kiss. As the kiss stopped they both looked at each other and smiled, before taking hold of each other's hands and continuing their walk through the park. And Lindsay noticed that for the first time in a long, long time, she had a spring in her step. _

_***big hugs* to Brina for reading this and encourgaing me. what would i do without you?**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**A huge thank you to everyone who has read & reviewed my little story. You have no idea how much it makes my day. **_

**_I still own nothing except my dvds. but they are so worth owning and writing this gives me a valid excuse for watching them again. and again. and again. _**

**_This is a continuation of the flashback from the last chapter. _**

_The next few weeks passed quickly and blissfully. Corey never pushed Lindsay into anything she didn't want or wasn't ready to do. It was a time where they got to know each other better, what they wanted to do with their lives, hopes, dreams and so on. Lindsay found herself enjoying this time and, along with the fun she was having with her friends in the dorm, for the first time in five years she actually felt like a normal young adult. _

_They somehow managed to balance that fine line between being a couple and spending time with their friends – both as a twosome and on their own. Lindsay found she always needed at least one day a week though to put everything in perspective. She had spent so much of the previous four years alone that there were times when she found being around other people suffocating. Sometimes she would wake in the night and go to the library just to spend a few hours in the silence of all that knowledge. If Lindsay was honest, and when it came to this admission she never was with other people, except her mum, she had fallen asleep in there on more than one occasion. She never knew why but it always seemed to have a calming effect on her. Other times she would save up her papers and research so she could use going to the library to work as a legitimate 'excuse' for some time on her own. If Corey or Lizzie ever asked she would say she was behind in her work and needed to catch up. Both of them knew that Lindsay was never behind, in fact she was often ahead, but they both accepted that this was part of Lindsay and allowed her this time alone. Sometimes she managed to get home and visit the family. Lizzie and Corey had both been out to the ranch once on different occasions. Both of them found it to be the back of beyond, even Lizzie who had come from a small town, and had been more than happy to allow Lindsay to go home alone for visits with her parents, whilst they made the most of life on campus. Any other time alone, however, was often a battle which she had to play strategically, especially as the worst day of the year was rapidly approaching._

_Even five years after the shooting Lindsay couldn't cope with the day itself. It was towards the end of the college year and she was due to sit an exam that day. Lindsay spent some time with the guidance counsellor, who was one of the very few people who was aware of what had happened to Lindsay, at least formally. Lindsay had spent time with him talking about the anniversary her forthcoming exam and other classes and been granted two weeks of absence on the provision that she didn't fall behind with the work. The counsellor had cleared it all with her professors and that left the two other people Lindsay knew she would have to talk to. Worse still, she knew there was no getting out of either conversation even though she was filled with dread and the fear of rejection down to her very core. Lindsay had arranged to spend both weeks at home with her parents largely because they were the ones who could totally understood her behaviours and moods as well as having lived through it with her. Not even a boyfriend or new 'best friend' was enough to get her through the inevitable nightmares, sickness, tears and low moods. In fact she was terrified that they would no longer want anything to do with her. _

_The nightmares had always happened periodically ever since the shooting. It could be a day, week, month or in the last year, even two or three months between nightmares throughout the rest of the year and Lindsay could cope with that because she knew they would go away as quick as they came. The two weeks leading up to the anniversary and a week or so afterwards was a totally different affair. It was nearly three weeks of harrowing nightmares that felt so real it was as though she was back in that diner. So for that time Lindsay tried to avoid sleep as much as possible knowing that when she fell into the darkness, she would be transported to the diner. She could picture herself, no feel as though she was fourteen again, sitting with her friends, laughing, gossiping and being happy. The in slow motion she would watch the younger version of herself go to the bathroom, just to wash her hands. An act that was so simple, so commonplace yet for her destiny, luck and guilt all mixed into one emotional rollercoaster. _

_Lindsay had spoken to Lizzie about what had happened on the third night in a row when she woke screaming form a nightmare. The first two nights Lindsay managed to fob Lizzie off and tell her not to worry. The third night when she woke with sweat pouring off her body, hands trembling and promptly threw up in the bin, then she had no choice but to tell Lizzie because Lizzie didn't let it lie. If truth be told, there was an element of relief when she disclosed her 'big bad secret' to her friend. Lizzie had listened in shock to what Lindsay had to tell her. Of course it was the expedited version of events and high school years, without disclosing that she had been ostracised for her high school years, the loneliness, the bullying and hatred towards her. Lindsay had tried so hard to put that behind her when she started college she was afraid that if she mentioned those words they would be used against her at some point in the future. Her friend had proven her wrong though and had been supportive listening and crying with her, calming her after her nightmares and making sure she was looking after herself by providing food and drink at regular intervals. Then, of course, Lizzie told Lindsay that she had to tell Corey. Lindsay knew this was true, but if she had only known the damage it would do both then and in the future, then she never would have told anyone. Instead she would have held onto it so tightly never letting one iota of her experience be shared with another human being - with the exception of her parents, brothers, James and his wife Sarah. _

_It was now ten days until the anniversary. She was leaving the next day to go and spent the following two weeks up at the ranch. Lindsay had spent much of the day speaking to her professors and finding out work to be done, assignments to be completed and any other reading she could do. She was also able to sit her exam at home on the day with her professor invigilating. She was so grateful for all the support she had been given. As promised her guidance counsellor had spoken to her professors who were more than willing to allow Lindsay the time off, especially as her grades were so good and she had never missed any work. Even when she had been ill with the flu over the winter she had managed to get all outstanding assignments completed and passed every one of them. Having time off for personal issues was not unreasonable considering the circumstances. With all her college work organised and packed, including the textbooks she would need whilst away, Lindsay sat and tried to gather the strength and composure she knew she would need when talking to Corey. However, as she was planning on going home that evening, as soon as she had packed her clothes, Lindsay went to the meeting she knew she couldn't put off any longer. And with a heavy heart and seemingly heavier legs, Lindsay made her way to Corey's dorm room._

_Lindsay knocked on his door and waited hoping he wasn't there, although if he wasn't she had no idea what she would write in a note to him. How do you try and explain what had and was still happening on a piece of paper? The door swung open and there stood Corey. It was now or never._

"_Hey honey! What a wonderful surprise!" greeted Corey, overjoyed to see his girlfriend standing before him. They hadn't seen each other for a couple of days as Corey had been out of town at a family celebration. He went to hug Lindsay and noted that her greeting wasn't as enthusiastic as he would have hoped - or expected. Corey stepped back to look at Lindsay and took in her appearance. She looked tired. No, strike that, she looked exhausted. Her eyes were dark, hair lank and it looked as though she had lost weight. Concern flowed through him and he could see that whatever Lindsay was about to tell him really wasn't going to be good news. That said he had been dumped twice in his life and he didn't think that she looked as though she was going to end their relationship. Although he could be wrong. _

"_Can I come in?" whispered Lindsay, suddenly incapable of speaking any louder. _

_Corey stood aside to let her in his room. Fortunately his roommate was out. Quite probably with girl of the night, which Corey had a feeling was going to be a good thing. As he closed the door, he pulled Lindsay into a hug and held her tight. He felt rather than heard her tears falling and knew that whatever was the matter it was serious. Lindsay was not a girl who cried for any reason. In fact she was almost too good at hiding her emotions, but here she was breaking down and falling apart in his arms. For the first time in his life Corey couldn't quite decide whether he would want to stay or go but he also knew he had to listen to Lindsay first. The one thing Corey was certain of was he didn't want to be held back by someone else's issues. At the same time he liked Lindsay and was enjoying her company and he really didn't know if he could just let her go. _

_Time would tell. _

_And that time was now. _

_Lindsay finally managed to regain control of her tears and pulled out a tissue from her pocket. She went and sat on Corey's bed trying to work out how to start. She knew that Corey didn't want to be tied down by someone with big issues and she was certain that this would be it. She had reasoned with herself that if it was to end then at least the last few weeks had been fun and she had been happy. For that she would be always thankful. The rest of what to come was another issue altogether. _

"_I need to tell you something and I don't want you to talk until I've finished, please?" _

_Corey looked at Lindsay and saw the fierce determination she had in her eyes whenever she was working on a science project or an assignment. She always worked solidly until she had completed the project to her satisfaction. Nothing would be able to disturb or interrupt her once she started and that was the look and feeling he had from her now. Except this wasn't an assignment. This was... this was the unknown. _

"_Nearly five years ago I went to a diner with three friends. I went into the bathroom and heard someone come in and then shotgun fire. I opened the door and saw the man who killed my friends and the waitress, Sarah. I can't even begin to say what the time since then has been like. I can't even begin to explain how horrific and destructive and numbing it is to see your best friends on the floor their very life blood seeping out onto the floor. Even now I still have dreams where I am reliving the whole experience." Lindsay paused catching her breath and planning her next onslaught of words, but she also wanted to try and judge Corey's reaction to what she had just said. He looked shell-shocked, as anyone who had ever heard the story did. Mind you, what else did she expect? Taking a deep breath she continued, determined to finish what she had started._

"_The five year anniversary of the shooting is coming up in ten days. I always find the anniversary hard. I have permission from my professors for a two week leave of absence, although I am taking work and assignments home with me. This is not about you or Lizzie or anyone else being incapable of supporting me, this is about the fact that my family knew the girls and lived it with me. I just need them right now."_

_Corey let out the breath he had been holding. After hearing the first part of the story he was wondering if she was going to ask if he would attend a memorial service or go to the cemetery or 'be her rock'. He had already decided then that he couldn't cope with this. But then she had finished by saying it was her family who she needed a support from. It was her family she was going to. That made her even more attractive in his eyes. She had told him that she wouldn't be leaning on him in the way he dreaded most._

_Corey didn't know what to say but he wanted to comfort Lindsay with touch in some way. He caught her face in his hands and kissed her. It started off soft and gentle, but Lindsay found herself full of longing and the kisses became more desperate and yet passionate. Suddenly she found herself acting on instinct and lay back down on Corey's bed, pulling him down with her. It hadn't been Corey's intention to sleep with Lindsay after her admission but he felt the passion within her. And once they started, they didn't stop, until Corey had come. Lindsay wasn't quite so lucky and as she lay in his bed afterwards she wondered what she had just done and why. They both lay together waiting for their breathing to return to normal. Corey was the first to speak. _

"_You OK Linds?"_

"_Yeah, thanks."_

"_You want to do it again?" he asked hopefully. Corey had been without sex for nearly four months, since he had really noticed Lindsay in class that first time and then decided that he wanted her. As far as he was concerned it was nearly four months too long and if she was going away he wanted to make the most of it before then. Everything Lindsay had told him previously had slipped from his mind as he focused on the one thing he thought he was really good at. Sex. Corey turned Lindsay towards him and kissed her hard. She responded welcoming the touches as a way to feel something. She knew it was wrong because she knew in the back of her mind that she would wake tomorrow at home racked full of guilt, grief, sorrow and self-loathing that she had lost her virginity in a desperate need to feel loved and wanted when all she actually felt was dirty and used. Yet, she let Cory explore her body again, with the same outcome and an increased sense of failure and disappointment. _

_Lindsay left Corey about an hour after they had finished having sex. She virtually ran back to her dorm and threw her clothes in a bag in the shortest time possible. She knew her mum would know something was up because she hadn't packed her clothes neatly. If there was one thing Lindsay definitely was particular about was having her clothes neatly folded and ironed at all times. Her brothers had used that to their advantage throughout the whole of her life and the only times her clothes were creased and uncared for by her hands was when she was preoccupied with something. Usually something bad. _

_She looked up at the clock in her room hoping that she would be out of the room before Lizzie returned from classes. Luck was not with her that day. _

"_Hey! I thought you would be out of here by now. You OK?" Lizzie asked as soon as she saw Lindsay still running round the room like a headless chicken._

"_Yeah, I'm just, I'm running late that's all," she replied, still trying to finish her packing and mentally run through a checklist of everything she would need for the next two weeks._

"_How did it go with Corey?" Lizzie as it turned out hadn't put together Lindsay's packing habits and her constant running round in circles as anything other than she was dreading the next few days. Well, for the first five minutes anyway. Then came the dreaded question._

"_What's the matter hun?" Lizzie asked tentatively, worried in case she was about to open Pandora's box which, like Corey she did not want cascading over into her life too much - ever. _

"_Crap! Crap! Crap!" mutter Lindsay, unfortunately not as quiet as she thought as she watched Lizzie raise an eyebrow as if to say 'don't even think about not answering that question.' _

"_I slept with Corey" she whispered, trying the theory that if she only whispered it really wouldn't be true. It turns out that theory was a bust and she wondered whether that should be published in a science journal somewhere because she had a lot of experience of this kind of experiment. She realised her mind had wondered off, providing her with a moment of respite from the cloudiness of her brain, until she heard Lizzie's voice finding a break in those clouds. _

"_Yeah? Sorry I was just thinking 'bout something else."_

"_I said how was it?" asked Lizzie, strangely looking forward to hearing about all the details of Lindsay and Corey's liaison and, as she watched her friend, a lot more excited about the whole affair than she presumed Lindsay had been at the time. Or now even. _

"_It was..." she paused trying to find the right words. She had always expected to talk to Lizzie about this day but in that version she was excited, happy and had enjoyed the whole thing a lot more than she did. "It happened." _

"_It happened?" asked Lizzie puzzled by Lindsay's reaction. She remembered phoning her two best friends and they had a conference call discussing the whole event in a very detailed manner. She also remembered that she had been so excited when she had finally experienced what one of her friends had gone through that she couldn't stop smiling about it. For days on end. Lindsay on the other hand had a look of wanting to throw herself out of their third floor dorm window and she couldn't figure out why. Lindsay had been talking about the possibility of taking the next step with Corey only two weeks before and then she was bubbly and like a chattering guinea pig on speed for three hours. It had been funny watching Lindsay walking round the room in circles, talking and squealing a lot as she allowed herself to get excited about the prospect of experiencing sex. But the Lindsay in front of her was something very different and not one she wanted to ever see again. _

_Lindsay finally stopped packing and sat on her bed, wanting to pull this plaster off as quick as she had thrown her clothes off earlier, figuring the sooner she shut up her roommate the sooner she could get home and to people who knew and loved her unconditionally. She took a few deep breaths before starting. "I went to see Corey and told him about why I was going home and for how long and the next thing I know Corey's kissing me and then... and then we are naked in his bed. Before I know it it's all over and then we do it again. That's all there is to the story." She stood to make tracks to leave, but Lizzie was quicker. Lizzie moved to sit next to Lindsay and put her arms round her. _

"_Was it any good?" she asked._

"_No." Said Lindsay curtly. "And the best part is I can't undo what I've done but I really needs to go home now whilst I'm not crying," she turned her head to look at Lizzie, "if that's OK with you?"_

"_Of course it is. Ring me later?" she saw the look of sorrow in Lindsay's face then added, "or get your mum to let me know you got home safely? Please?"_

_Lindsay gave a small smile and nodded before standing. Lizzie stood too and the two friends hugged. Lindsay double checked she had everything and gathered her bags. She moved to the door and stopped before opening it. _

"_You won't tell anyone please?" she asked pleading with her friend._

"_Sure."_

"_No, I mean anything - why I'm gone, what happened with Corey."_

"_Look Linds, I know you like your privacy and of course I won't tell anyone. Your friendship means too much to me. Now you get going and don't forget my phone call later. I'll be expecting it no later than," she looked at the clock, "nine o'clock. OK?"_

"_Deal. See you soon."_

"_You too and have a good couple of weeks. Well, you know what I mean," she said stumbling over her words. _

"_I know what you mean, don't worry." And with that Lindsay left the room to drive to the safety of her family home. _

_Eve heard Lindsay's car pull up outside the house. Normally when Lindsay arrived home she would jump out and run in the house. Her dad would joke that one day her car would crash through the kitchen wall because she had forgotten to use the brakes before getting out of the car, Today, however, she turned the engine off and sat in her car paralysed by a multitude of feelings she had yet to figure out what most of them actually were. _

"_Hi honey, how was your journey home?" Eve asked as she opened the driver's door. _

_Lindsay hadn't heard or seen her mum leave the house and approach the truck and she jumped a mile when her mum opened the door. Eve took one look at her daughter's tear stained face and pulled her into her arms and let her child cry, with Lindsay still sitting in the car. All her current emotions came out in the safety of her mother's arms. It was several minutes later when Lindsay's tears had ceased, for the time being anyway. Eve took Lindsay's face in her hands and kissed her child, and gently said, "Let's get you into the house and find some comfort food. Then we can talk."_

_Lindsay silently got out the truck and grabbed the heavier of her bags whilst her mum managed to make off with the clothes, knowing that her daughter will have just thrown them in the bags and would then moan about it the next day when everything she owned was creased beyond recognition. By the time Lindsay reached the house her mum had half her clothes out of the bags and on coat hangers or folded up neatly. The other half she added to the ironing pile in the laundry ready for later that evening as she watched TV. Lindsay threw her bags on the kitchen table with a thud. Normally Eve would have shouted at her children for throwing their books or heavy stuff on her table but she knew today was not that day. Today her daughter was hurting and there was something else Eve couldn't quite put her finger on; although she had a feeling she would know soon enough. So she busied herself making tea for the two of them and waited for Lindsay to break the silence when she was ready. If there was one thing Eve knew that was Lindsay wouldn't talk until she was ready and able to and who knew when that would be because she herself didn't have a clue. _

_Lindsay herself knew her mum was waiting to talk and so she sat at the kitchen table, hands in her lap and head down. She knew she had to talk, she knew her mum wanted and needed her to talk; she had no clue how to start. But then she also knew that no matter what she didn't need her brothers and dad hearing this forthcoming conversation. _

"_Mum, are we alone?" Eve turned her head surprised at the speed at which Lindsay started talking. She had been expecting silence for at least an hour or so but then her daughter was unpredictable and did things her own way. Always had and always would do and this was one of the many, many reasons Eve loved her child. _

"_Yes honey. Daddy and Peter have gone over to John Paxton's to see some new horses he got recently. They won't be back until much later today. Or more likely tomorrow if they decide to celebrate a purchase with a drink or ten!" Both women smiled at this knowing that if they had purchased another horse then the two of them would be in line for the mother of all hangovers in the morning. It was their own little ritual and both Eve and Lindsay had learnt just to make the most of it and shout when they returned home. The pain on Peter and Dave's faces was always worth seeing. "Tony and Jake aren't due to fly in until tomorrow."_

"_Why are they flying back?" asked Lindsay confused. Her brothers had both gone to college in Seattle. Eve's sister Marjorie, Jorie as the children had called her when they were little, lived there and the Monroe children had stayed with their aunt regularly throughout their childhood. Both Jake and Tony loved the city and its vibrancy so when it came time to start college both of them had decided long ago where they were going. Tony was studying mathematics. He had no idea what he was going to do when he finished in two years time but was making the most of student life, whilst managing to attain good grades, although had he studied as much as he partied they could have been better! Jake had completed his degree in psychology. His experience with Lindsay and Dr Walker, the family psychologist, had led him to study psychology. He hoped to become a therapist working with survivors of traumatic crimes and was now studying for his PhD. Jake was like Lindsay and managed to balance studying and partying although always favouring studying. Like his sister he always had high grades and was often found with his nose in a book or professional journals. _

"_Why do you think baby girl?" asked Eve back, as she laid the tea and an assortment of biscuits, chocolate and crisps on the table. _

_Eve looked down at her daughter and saw a fresh batch of tears rising in her eyes so she grabbed a box of tissues before sitting next to her daughter and taking hold of her hands. "They are coming back for you. Sadly they will have to go back to school during the week but they will be here both this and next weekend."_

"_How can they afford it?" Both her brothers had jobs and had had also earnt money whilst at home helping out on the ranch. Her parents also helped support their children wherever they could but Lindsay also knew that her parents were not wealthy. Suddenly she was filled with panic and yet more guilt at the cost of the shooting on her family. _

"_Lindsay, don't worry about it. Your aunt Jorie helped with their flights home. She loves and adores you as we all do and wanted to help. This is her way of helping. Sadly she has to work but you will see her soon, so she had said she will need and give you phone calls until then!" Eve hoped this reassured her daughter but she also knew that once Lindsay started to feel guilty sometimes there was very little they could do to stop it. She had to work her way through the worry in order to come out, hopefully, on the other side, although this was not always the case. _

"_OK." Said Lindsay, the guilt dipping back under the surface again but it still remained with her as she knew her family were giving up so much for her battles and memories. That said she also knew she wanted nothing more than to be with her family and be a part of something so amazing and surrounded by people who truly loved and supported her. _

_Eve knew that Lindsay had repressed the guilt for now. She still didn't understand why her daughter struggled with asking people for help and being honest about her feelings but she had also learnt a long time ago never to push Lindsay for an explanation or to talk because she would just dig her heels in, clam up and there would be no hope of Lindsay opening up. So, for now Eve knew she had to sit back and be patient. However, Eve was also determined to find out exactly what was bugging her. When she had spoken to Lindsay earlier in the day she was carrying a lot less worry. Something had happened in those short hours and Eve was determined to find out what happened, purely because she knew if she didn't get Lindsay to tell her then it would eat her up inside, and threaten her relationships with her family. They had all worked too hard to remain a close knit family after the shooting. Even when it looked as though things were going to fall apart and never be the same, they all somehow managed to scramble through the darkness and come out the other side. Well, all but Lindsay who had never totally come out from the darkness. Both Dr Walker and James had said for her closure might never happen unless the shooter was captured. As each year passed it seemed less and less likely but somewhere deep down inside of her Eve believed it would happen one day. Probably far, far in the future, but it would happen, of that she was certain. So all she could do for now was work through each and every crisis and setback as they happened believing and praying that Lindsay would get stronger, especially mentally because Eve knew that was what would be her downfall if she let the darkness overtake her again. And so Eve prepared herself to go into battle._

"_So what happened today?" she asked, whilst thinking 'if you are going into battle it might as well be hard and fast'._

"_What do you mean?" asked Lindsay thinking of something to try and divert her mum onto another topic of conversation altogether. _

"_Don't you 'what do you mean?' me young lady. You were relatively OK this morning. Now you are not. Something happened," said Eve her tone indicating that under no circumstances was she joking or going to be diverted. _

"_Nothing happened."_

"_Lindsay I can see through your bullshit. What happened?"_

"_Mum..."_

"_Lindsay. Now!" Eve felt herself filling with frustration at her daughter's reluctance to talk. Sometimes she really just wanted to grab her and shake her hard but instead she went with the tone and volume. And it worked. _

_Lindsay's voice fell to a whisper, so quiet that her mum barely heard her speak. "I slept with Corey."_

"_Slept?" her mum asked wanting to check that she meant had sex with as opposed to sleep. She knew that Lindsay had stayed overnight with Corey before now. There were no secrets between mother and daughter. Eve didn't want that to start now._

_Lindsay lifted her eyes to meet her mum's look, which had softened considerably. Eve saw the tears ready to spill down Lindsay's cheeks but waited for her to speak again._

"_I slept with Corey mummy. I had sex and I didn't want to. I just wanted to feel something good and other than pain. He kissed me and it just happened. I'm sorry for disappointing you." And with that admission the floodgates opened again and all Eve could do was hold her daughter and wait._

_Once Lindsay had quietened down Eve spoke, gently in a loving tone that made sure Lindsay knew how much she was loved by her mum, with an obvious undercurrent of concern. _

"_You have never disappointed me baby. I am so proud of everything you have ever done in your life and how far you've come. But I have to ask," she hesitated afraid to ask in case the answer was not what she wanted to hear. "Did he force you?"_

"_No!" said Lindsay firmly. "Like I said he kissed me and it just went from there. I just wanted to feel better so I let it happen, it's my fault."_

"_It's not about fault or blame or anything else like that. It happened. Sometimes things just happen and sex is one of those things. But did you use contraception?"_

_Lindsay closed her eyes as she thought about those two hours with Corey. Did they use a condom? As she thought about it she remembered that Corey had got the condom and put it on and she let out a breath that she didn't know she was holding onto. She nodded to her mum slowly, before letting out a quiet "yes". Then she heard an audible sigh of relief from her mum too. _

"_OK then we don't need to worry about that. Now, honey you can't undo what has happened. But you can't feel guilty for doing something that people have been doing since the dawn of time. Sometimes instinct takes over and we do things in the heat of the moment. I'm still proud of you no matter what. Maybe what we need to do is watch some Star Wars, eat all this chocolate and snack food and no doubt pass out from a sugar high. Then we can talk again later tonight or in the morning when you have a clearer head and can see through the fog a little more than at the moment. So, what do you say?"_

"_Empire Strikes Back?"_

"_Empire Strikes back. Wine?"_

"_We're bingeing. Of course we need wine too."_

"_We'd better limit it otherwise the boys won't let us live it down if we are hung-over!"_

_Mum and daughter went to the lounge, arms laden with all the snack and comfort food in the house. Lindsay organised the video for the film and figured if anything was going to make her feel better it was Han Solo. She curled up on the sofa, feet in her mum's lap and a blanket over the two of them. Lindsay was sleep before the evacuation from the planet Hoth, her face more visibly relaxed and the pain that had been there since she arrived at the ranch had gone. For now at least. Eve decided to make the most of an early night, especially if her sleep could be disturbed. The ironing would wait another day. So Eve got up, turned the TV and video off and moved to the recliner chair, pulled a blanket over her and fell asleep, wanting to be near Lindsay just in case she had a nightmare. By ten pm there was darkness and silence in the house and peace in its residents. Tomorrow would prove to be another day, but for now peace reigned**.**_

**__****As usual a huge thank you to Brina who helps me more than she realises. I couldn't have done this without her support :)**


	5. Chapter 5

_**Thank you to everyone who reviewed and read this little fic of mine. i hope you are enjoying it. This continues on from the last chapter, the flashback of Lindsay's friendship and relationship with Lizzie and Corey. **_

**_Disclaimer: As usual I own nothing :( Just my dvd's ;D_**

_Two stressful weeks and gallons of tears shed later Lindsay lay on the bed in her childhood room allegedly packing. She was due to return to college for the last day of classes the following day and for the first time since she had been at college she dreaded it. _

_And she couldn't put her finger on what was wrong. _

_And it bugged her. _

_There was a soft knock at the door and her mum poked her head round. "So this is what they are calling packing these days?" she asked trying to lighten the heaviness that had settled in the room. _

"_Nothing" said Lindsay hoping that for once in her life her mum would take the hint and leave her alone. Apparently that wasn't going to be today as her mum walked in and sat down at her desk chair, turning it round to face her daughter who still lay on the bed looking at the ceiling. _

_Eve had noticed that Lindsay hasn't answered her question but an imagined one, but for now she let it go and tried again down a different route. "You looking forward to going back to school?" _

"_Nope."_

"_Why?"_

"_Don't know."_

_With that Eve stood up and moved next to Lindsay's bed. "Move over." Lindsay moved nearer the wall and waited for her mum to lie down beside her, and then lay on her side to face her daughter who was still engrossed at the ceiling._

"_You looking forward to seeing Corey and Lizzie?" her mum tried again so wanting her daughter to talk to her. Lindsay had admitted to her mum soon after arriving home that she was struggling with keeping the darkness at bay and had agreed to restart her sessions with the psychologist who had gotten her through so many difficult times. On top of that Lindsay had been prescribed anti-depressants. She had been reassured that she wouldn't be on them for life but Lindsay wasn't too sure about that. She couldn't see a way out because whichever way she turned it was dark. Lindsay sighed loudly. Her mum tried another route to conversation. She turned and looked at the stain that was directly above Lindsay. It had been caused by an over-excited Kelly jumping on Lindsay's bed whilst holding a cup of fabric dye which they had been using to create patterns on Lindsay's brand new white sweater after she had stated it was 'too boring' and her mum had no taste. _

"_I remember the day that stain mysteriously appeared on the ceiling" she said with a smile in her voice. Lindsay allowed the memories of what happened, Kelly's fear at being banned from the Monroe household, for being a 'bad influence', her mother's and then her father's wrath and then trying to clean the ceiling, which was a useless waste of time as it had long stained the paintwork. She continued to look at the stain and smiled. _

"_You know Kelly was afraid she would be banned for life from the ranch?"_

"_How do you think we managed to keep her as calm as we did? Can you imagine how hyperactive she would have been if we didn't keep her on our side a little?" The two women laughed and then a more peaceful, lighter silence passed over the room. _

"_I'm not sure what they will think of me anymore, especially now I'm officially depressed again" started Lindsay with a heavy sigh. _

"_Corey and Lizzie?"_

"_Yeah. I know they visited here last weekend but everyone was here. You, dad and the boys. Back in my dorm room I won't have you and it will be different. I will be different. I always am."_

"_You always manage to cope. You need to have more faith on yourself honey. You got through the worst before and you will do again."_

_Lindsay finally turned her head to look at her mum. "Will I? I mean I'm not sure I was even through it last time. If I had would I be here again?"_

"_Honey, you've just been through a life changing event in your life. You moved away from home and now you are trying to find your place in the world, at college and unlike everyone else there you have to find new coping mechanisms for stuff they can't even imagine. I'm not saying it will be easy nor that it will be quick but it will happen because you are a strong woman Lindsay. You are always welcome here, whenever you need to be here but you also need to find you again. Not the you that has been attached firmly to me or your dad and brothers. We will never stop loving you but let your friends in. If you don't how can they help you? Plus baby, if you really do want to study criminology you have to learn to cope with the tough situations of life otherwise you will fall to pieces on your first day. I have faith that whatever you end up doing it will be the right thing for you but spend part of your time at college getting yourself stronger and having a way to cope when it is tough."_

"_What about the other part of my college years?"_

"_Oh that's easy. Go out, have fun, drink if you have to but learn your limit, hangovers are not as fun as you would think and of course, study!"_

"_So that's not a lot to fit in 24 hours or a seven day week then?" commented Lindsay a hint of laughter in her voice. _

"_Not for you it's not!" retorted her mum, pulling her into a hug and kissing her forehead, easing Lindsay's sense of dread just a little. _

_Mother and daughter lay on the bed holding onto each other just relishing the peace, quiet and the time they had together before acknowledging that too much time had passed and Lindsay admitted she had to make a move back to campus. As she drove off, waving goodbye to her parents and Peter, Jake and Tony having both already returned to Seattle, Lindsay resolved to herself that she would try her hardest to make the best of her college experience. If only her dream had come true. _

_As she drove up to the campus she felt as nervous as when she had taken the trip at the beginning of the year. She felt nauseous and for some reason she couldn't comprehend her hands started to shake. It seemed stupid. She had been living here for several months. What was there to be afraid of? She was only going to be here for another few days before packing up and going home for the summer. Lindsay pulled her car up to park and turned the engine off, before resting her head on the steering wheel and started taking in several long deep breaths. She didn't know how long she had sat there but suddenly she heard a tapping on the window. She jumped up and turned to see it was Lizzie and Corey. They had been waiting for her return and watched as she sat trying to compose herself. Corey opened the door. _

"_Hey baby! I've missed you! Welcome back!" he said, leaning in to undo her seatbelt and turning her round in one swift motion. Before she knew it she was enjoying a very passionate kiss from her boyfriend. _

"_Don't mind me!" called Lizzie suddenly uncomfortable with this display in front of her. _

_Lindsay looked up and said hi, and for the briefest of moments she saw something in Lizzie's face. Jealousy? Pain? Anger? It could have been any of those but it was gone so quickly Lindsay wondered if she had really seen it. The three of them grabbed Lindsay's bags and 'emergency food hamper' supplied by her mum. As they made their way up to the dorm room, Lindsay filled them in with everything that had been going on since she saw them the week before. Well, she filled them in with the bits she wanted them to hear. _

_As they walked down the corridor there was an uneasy silence and Lindsay couldn't help but wonder if the other shoe was about to drop. It always seemed to at this time of year and the nausea continued to build deep within her but edging to the surface quicker as she neared the room. Lizzie opened the door._

_There was a chorus of "Surprise!" and "Welcome back!" from her dorm mates and Lindsay couldn't help but shed a tear. Maybe her mum was right, maybe it was going to be alright and she would get through this experience intact. But right now she wanted to see her friends and catch up with them all and try to feel back at home again._

_Three days later and Lindsay felt as though she hadn't been away for two weeks. She had finished her classes for the year, thanks to having completed all the given assignments whilst she was away. Lindsay, Lizzie, Corey and two other friends Greg and Zoe had decided to live together in a shared house for the next year. Lindsay was in a particularly good mood as she walked back to her dorm room holding the information for three houses. She walked into her room to find Corey and Lizzie together, although they were sitting on separate beds. _

"_Hey" I'm glad you guys are here, I've got some information about houses. I've made appointments to see all 3 but we can cancel if we decide they aren't right. I just didn't want to let them get away." Lindsay was doing her usual habit of rambling with excitement. _

"_Let's see gorgeous!" said Corey walking over to Lindsay and kissing her in greeting. _

_The three friends sat around discussing the merits of the three houses before phoning Greg and Zoe to confirm the visits later that day. Then Corey asked something completely out of the blue._

"_So, are we sharing a room or living separately then Linds?"_

"_Oh, I hadn't thought about that. I mean I had chosen houses with five rooms, that way we can have our own space for studying and peace when we need it. Would you rather we shared?" she hesitantly._

"_I dunno." He answered as casually as possible. He did want to live with Lindsay but he could see she was hesitant. Since her return they had only spent two full nights together. And only had sex twice. If he was honest he wanted more. A lot more. But he had absolutely no idea how to approach this with her and room sharing seemed to be the most subtle way. Well, Corey thought it was subtle. Lindsay and Lizzie looked at each other and both of them rolled their eyes. "Maybe you're right. I mean having our own space for studying. Otherwise the likelihood of me getting anything done is slim to none!" he said trying to not sound too disappointed and failing miserably. _

"_OK. But that doesn't mean we can't share a room sometimes though!" Lindsay suggested sensing the disappointment and tension that had suddenly appeared. She hated conflict and did her best to try and smooth the way wherever possible. Even if it wasn't in her best interest, and she suspected this might not be. _

"_What about me?" asked Lizzie feeling awkward and left out of the conversation. _

"_You can always share with me?" said Corey trying to be funny, although it sounded like a genuine offer. _

"_Hey! I don't want to share you," said Lindsay, trying to be just as funny but she couldn't help but wonder if his comment meant something. She was sure she had seen a look being shared between the two friends but wasn't sure if it was her imagination. The problem with the depression was that things weren't always as clear as they usually were and so Lindsay was never sure if she had actually seen something or if she had imagined it. Knowing that her two friends had supported her thus far, she worried that if she kept forcing her issues on them they would leave her. And so she kept more and more in but as long as she was coping and things were great between her and her friends then Lindsay believed that everything would be OK. She had no idea how naive she was, nor how devastated she would be. And she was about to make one of the biggest mistakes of her life thus far, at least that is what hindsight would tell her. _

_Two weeks after the new school year started, later than planned due to a delay in repairs the landlord had to make to the property before they moved in, the five friends moved into their new home. It was a basic home, having all the items they would need - cooker, washing machine, fridge freezer, even a dishwasher. Lindsay and Corey had adjoining rooms and were making the most of living so close to each other and their relationship being on a more even keel. Corey had spent three weeks out at the Monroe ranch during the summer break, living in one of the guest houses they owned. He had enjoyed seeing Lindsay with her family. He was seeing a new side to her, one full of fun and laughter, who liked playing and working with the horses. Corey had surprised himself and had enjoyed helping her father with the horses and getting to know her brothers. He had found them protective of their little sister but they also knew how to have a good time and more than once he woke with the hangover to beat all hangovers. Lizzie had then joined them for a week and had, chosen to stay with Corey in the guest house. Lindsay had found it odd at first and then felt jealousy rising within her. She had spoken to her parents later that day and moved into the guest house too. Her 'excuse', to have some good times away from her parents and with her friends, although she always wondered if her actions hadn't gone down as well as she had hoped. _

_Their time together had gone well until one Thursday morning when they all went into Bozeman. They were planning on getting some junk food and drinks as Greg and Zoe were arriving to spend the weekend with them. They all figured it was a good time to see how they would all function in a house together, and have a good time without worrying about the noise levels or how late to stay up to. The day had started well until Lindsay heard the one voice she dreaded hearing most. _

"_Lindsay Monroe. How are you?" said the voice sarcastically, venom spilling out through the words. "How's college? Making the most of being alive? Have you warned your friends what a liability you are? Do they know how 'lucky' you were whilst my beautiful baby perished?" She turned her attention towards Corey and Lizzie. "Do you know what she did? Do you know that she was a coward and didn't face the same adversity as my Kelly? She hid and did nothing. She didn't even try to save my Kelly!" turning back towards Lindsay she finished with, "You'll get what's coming to you someday soon. Mark my words!"_

_Lindsay stood frozen to the spot as Mrs Parker continued to spout filth at her. She had never been able to speak out to Kelly's mum because she really did understand the guilt and grief she was still experiencing. Lindsay had questioned her survival more than once since that day and Mrs Parker's words were nothing that she hadn't already said to herself. Lindsay herself still struggled with the grief just in a different way and so she never questioned or answered back to Mrs Parker's words. Somehow she always felt as though she was ten years old again and had been caught taking an extra biscuit just before dinner. Corey on the other hand had no problem speaking up for his girlfriend. _

"_Hey! I don't know who you are but that is no way to speak to Lindsay. Yes we know what happened and believe it or not Lindsay still suffers from the grief and pain that you do. She at least doesn't take out her rage on others and especially not inappropriately. Unlike you!"" he pointed at her as if to emphasise his point. "You owe her an apology. Now."_

_Mrs Parker shocked and stunned by this speech looked at Lindsay once more before pushing past her hard and continuing her journey down the street and round a corner. The trio continued their walk down the street in a shell-shocked silence, until Lizzie suddenly spoke._

"_Oh crap! I can't find my purse. I need to go and check in the bookstore to see if I left it there. I'll catch up with you guys at the restaurant. Won't be long!" And just like that she was gone. _

_Lindsay found it odd as Lizzie was paranoid about losing her purse. She was always checking and double checking where it was especially after she bought something, but as Corey puller her hand towards the restaurant for lunch, she let her worries fade away and tried to allow the stress to leave her now tired body. Lizzie, as she would find out a month later had gone to find Mrs Parker wanting to know more about what exactly had happened at the diner. Lindsay had told her the basic story but Eve had told Lizzie that Lindsay would tell her more when she was ready. She had also said there had been many, many rumours about what had happened in the diner but Lindsay's' version was the right one. After all the police and crime scene investigators had proven it, yet that never stopped the rumour mill. Lizzie still wanted to know what was going on and had happened from someone else, someone who was obviously more open. Although it didn't occur to her that grief and anger had clouded Mrs Parker's version of events. _

_Considerably. _

_So here they were now, moving into their new home. Lindsay had unpacked first, trying to make her own space as calm as possible knowing that she would need times of serenity when the going got really, really tough. When she had finished she made her way downstairs to the large lounge where she could hear her four housemates talking together. She couldn't hear what they were saying but as soon as she opened the door they all stopped and looked towards the door. Corey stood up quickly and made his way over to Lindsay, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. _

"_What's up?" Lindsay asked feeling very exposed as they all looked at her. _

"_Nothing, we were just talking about sorting out our rooms too and seeing you come in here knowing that you have already finished just made us all feel guilty," explained Lizzie, a little too quickly and it sounded almost rehearsed. She stood up to leave walking past Lindsay a little too close and hitting her shoulder. She muttered sorry as she continued upstairs and without turning to look at her friend. Lindsay felt that they had all been talking about her, although she couldn't think what about. They knew about her past and had spent a lot of time with her since they found out. Even Greg and Zoe knew as she had told them when they were out at the ranch in the summer. Yet she couldn't shake the feeling that things were about to go from bad to worse and she wished she knew why. _

_Suddenly she found herself being pulled towards the stairs by Corey. "Hey" he whispered in her ear, "let's go christen your new bed and then later when my room is done we can christen mine." _

_He had used that tone of voice that was almost hypnotic and certainly always worked when he wanted to get her into bed. Today however, it had no affect on her. Lindsay couldn't shake the feeling of doom and having sex wasn't going to feature on her list of things to do any time soon. At least not until she worked out what was going on. So instead of letting Corey lead her upstairs she announced she was going for a walk to clear her head in an effort to remove a headache she had, leaving Corey stood shocked that she had refused him, before he walked upstairs alone._

_The rest of the day passed without incident although Lindsay couldn't shake neither her headache nor her feeling of foreboding. She went to bed early, hoping sleep would help free her from all the stress and tension she was feeling. She woke hearing a banging sound and it took her a few minutes to come to. The banging was constant. And rhythmical and after a minute or so she had worked out what it was she heard. She should have known. Her and Corey had made the same noise themselves on many occasions over the summer. Then it occurred to her that there was only one room attached to hers. It was Corey's. She looked at the clock and saw it was only 2am. She got out of bed, rage filling her starting at her toes and working its way up through her body. She didn't bother knocking on Corey's door. They had agreed that as they were in a relationship it was silly to keep knocking to go into each other's rooms. And Lindsay didn't want to give Corey and whoever he had in his room the change to pretend they were doing something other than what was currently occupying them. _

_As the door swung open the two bodies on the bed pulled apart and looked at Lindsay, shocked by her sudden appearance. _

"_Oh shit! Look, I'm sorry Linds but I really needed sex today. You wouldn't sleep with me I just had to" he finished lamely. _

_Lizzie looked at Lindsay with hostility in her eyes. She had let the sheet fall down exposing her breasts to Lindsay, trying to throw her off from whatever she had planned next. It didn't work. _

"_If you were going to cheat you could have had the decency to do it when I wasn't in the house. And why with someone who I thought was my best friend? Why? I thought we had a good thing and you've destroyed it!" Lindsay was shouting now and didn't care if she woke Zoe or Greg,_

"_Why" repeated Corey, "because you are frigid and you are crap in bed! I'm sorry but I needed a real woman who would give me what I need. I'm glad you have finally found out because at least we don't have to hide it anymore."_

"_How long?" Lindsay whispered afraid to hear the answer and then discover she was like many a woman who had been deceived for weeks. Lizzie answered._

"_Since you went home before the end of the last semester. You destroyed our friendship and relationship when you told us about the diner. I spoke to Kelly's mum. You stood there and did nothing. She was right; you are a coward and a bad example of a human being. You should have died with your friends." _

_Lindsay couldn't believe what she was saying and so she turned almost walking into Greg and Zoe. She looked past them and into her room. She was angry. Very angry. But she finally understood that she had strength beyond anything she had known before. Lindsay had allowed the students at her school to walk all over her for the duration of her high school years. If there was one thing that had become clarified and clear to her was that she wasn't staying in this house anymore. She wasn't going to stay with the whispering, the rumours, the lies and the cheating boyfriend. No, she was too good for that. And so she set about repacking all her possessions that had only been unpacked a few hours before. Lizzie and Corey were both knocking on her door, trying to get her attention but instead she turned on her stereo to drown out the voices. She found herself thankful for the lock on her door, even though when she went to sleep she hadn't believed she would ever need it. _

_In an effort to stop the noise and thus prevent the police coming out for a disturbance of the peace, Lindsay told them she would speak to them in the morning and not a moment before. The knocking stopped and talking reduced to a bare minimum and was probably Lizzie and Corey deciding to sleep in Lizzie's room as she didn't hear any further noise from the adjoining room. _

_As soon as Lindsay had packed most of her possessions, except her books, she stopped and made a call to her mum who said she would be there with her dad within the hour. Lindsay looked around the room once more and wiped the tears off her face with the back of her hand. She continued determined to get out of this house as soon as possible, needing to be away from those people. She stepped out of her room taking a box downstairs. She couldn't hear any noise and presumed everyone had gone back to bed, so she made the repeated journey up and downstairs taking her boxes down ready to load up her parents' truck. She knew that in the morning there would be lots to sort – new accommodation, phone the landlord and cancel the current contract, commute to college, which was going to be exhausting but at least she wasn't in the same classes with them most of the time, so Lindsay would be free of them. And just like that the anger left her. She felt a sense of calm and peace and knew that she was doing the right thing now. _

_Forty minutes after phoning them, her parents arrived. It was now nearly 5am. They loaded the truck up in record time and were on the way back to the ranch. Lindsay allowed herself to fall asleep knowing that she would need all the sleep she could get as tomorrow would be a long day. But she felt freer than she had done for a while and by the time they reached the ranch she was laying on the back seat in a deep, deep sleep. Her dad managed to gently manoeuvre her and then pick her up, taking her into the house and laying her on the couch in the lounge, before her mum placed a blanket over her. _

_Lindsay woke at 6am. She had only slept for just over an hour. Why is it that when you need sleep the most you end up waking early allowing plenty of time for your thoughts to go round and round and round your head. She was first filled with confusion as to why she was in her parents lounge. Then it hit her. Like a bolt of lightning. Hard, fast and very, very painful. Before she knew it she was, as they say, paying homage to the porcelain god. Once the vomiting and waves of nausea had passed she sat with her back to the wall, trying to regain control of her body. She let out a small, rattle of a laugh as she wondered if morning sickness would be like this - running to the toilet with no notice about your body's impending rejection of anything in the stomach. Her mind really did have a will of its own taking her to places she never imagined at the most inopportune moments. Then a quiet voice came from outside the door._

"_Lindsay, honey. Are you OK?"_

"_Yes mum. Give me a minute I need to freshen up," she replied and prepared herself for yet another unavoidable conversation. When she had rung the day before the only thing she had managed to get out to her mum was "I caught Corey and Lizzie having sex together. I want to move back home. Now, please?" Her mum had said that both she and dad would be there in the truck within the hour. They were there in thirty-five minutes her dada having exceeded the speed limit somewhat on nearly all the roads between the ranch and the house. Eve believed she was considerably greyer and her life shortened somewhat by the experience. It made the whole situation have a funny side to it, which Lindsay knew would be what she talked about most when she looked back on that experience in the future. It wouldn't be discussed this morning though. However, Lindsay also knew she only had to tell the story once if she gave permission for her mum to spread the word. And today that is what she would be doing, especially as she had an early class at eight am. _

_After cleaning her face and teeth she left the sanctuary of the bathroom and made her way to the kitchen where her mum had already prepared tea and toast, got the breakfast crockery and pans ready, and folded up and put on a load of laundry. She couldn't help but laugh again at the organisational skills of her mum and wondered how she managed to have that much energy at this ungodly hour of the day. _

"_Something funny?"_

"_Yeah, how do you manage to do this in such a short pace of time and so quietly?"_

"_Years of practice and I've had to be on the ball with four men in this house."_

"_I don't count?"_

"_No, you were always the only one who helped or tidied up after yourself. You are my favourite child," she joked in a sweet, way, creating more laughter between mother and child._

_Lindsay sat down at the table and looked at her mum. "So, where do you want me to begin?" _

"_Well, as I see it you have two choices. The beginning or last night. You choose."_

_Lindsay looked down at her tea and sighed trying to work out which was the best place to start. If she was honest she had no idea. Her mum placed her hand over Lindsay's and somehow it gave her the magical strength Lindsay always believed her mum's touch had. With that she took a deep breath and decided to start at the beginning..._

_**And finally, as always, a huge thank you to Brina who has read this and helped me sort it all out and given me the courage to post it. *huge hugs girl***_


	6. Chapter 6

**thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. sorry I haven't replied, sadly work has been a little hectic. replies will be coming soon though :) **

**this chapter picks up form Lindsay and James talking in his office on her last day in Bozeman (see chap 3). **

**As usual I own nothing, except my dvd's and an overactive imagination. **

James was a good and supportive boss, especially to those who were hard working and especially those he liked –and they were few and far between. Lindsay he liked. Well, if he was honest he loved her like a daughter, but then he had seen her grow up and even more so since the shooting, which he had also worked. Then she asked to work in his department. When he first heard her asking about working as a crime scene investigator, he thought she was nuts and that was putting it mildly. Then, several years later, she asked for a job in his department. Insane was probably more accurate. Yet he had followed an instinct within him that said he should trust in her and if he was being even more honest, she had proven everyone who doubted her wrong. She worked hard. No, strike that, she worked damn hard and always put in more hours than she was paid for. She had a tenacity that could not be beaten as well as being personable and approachable. Of course, given her history she had some remaining issues that were always there. Cases involving teenage girls or grieving mothers freaked her out. Often she would be able to control it at work and with victims and their families and friends, but behind the scenes, in the labs and at home, was a different matter. She would isolate herself, become snappy and argumentative, and in private she would break down and grieve for her friends. And herself, not that she would ever admit that to anyone, 'if she knew that about herself' James wondered.

James saw in her the potential to become an amazing asset to any crime lab in the country. She was knowledgeable, both in science and general knowledge, which was always handy on a quiet day when they did the New York Times crossword. Apparently the crossword in the local paper should have been ashamed of itself at its simplicity. A fact about Lindsay he continually found to be amusing no matter how many times he heard her say it. James knew that she was rapidly outgrowing the Bozeman lab. She was one of those rare people who needed to be continually challenged and continually learning. During a quiet moment in the lab or doing research for a case to prove, or disprove, a theory she would often be found online or searching journals for that illusive piece of information on interpretation of evidence or new advances in evidence interpretation that might just help her close the case. Over the last year it had become increasingly obvious that she had to move onto a more challenging environment and maybe, just maybe, leave her mark on forensics for all to see. James had encouraged Lindsay to apply for the New York post and even spoken to Mac Taylor the head of the lab on, as it happened, five occasions, although there was no way Lindsay would know about all those phone calls. He had no problems boasting about her to another lab, or rather giving the best reference he could.

And so, as they sat in his office on her last night and last shift in his lab, he allowed her the luxury of wondering off into the past. James knew all of her work was already done and she just wanted to ensure all t's were crossed and i's dotted, even though she had done that the night before and the night before that. But there was no way she was leaving the department without passing on everything to do with cases she had been involved in again, as not to give any defender's lawyer the opportunity of allowing their client to escape justice. Tonight, as far as he was concerned was time for her to say goodbye to friends, colleagues and prepare herself for the adventure which lay ahead. This was why he had been asking the questions he had been. James had a suspicion that Lindsay hadn't thought through some of these issues like what to tell people how to cope with certain situations etc and there was no way he was going to let her get away without at least considering some of them. From experience James knew that Lindsay was very self-reflective. Some might say self-absorbed or that she loved herself a little too much, but Lindsay never just thought about herself. It was always the whole picture, trying to find all the pieces that fitted together and working out what to do with them. Her parents put it down to the fact that after the shooting she had to work her way through the difficult times by herself internally before she was able to verbalise them. They had found it hard in the beginning but had accepted that this change in Lindsay was here to stay and if it was what she needed to help her cope with the tough times, then they needed to be patient. James had been aware of this when he employed her and although it frustrated him at times no end, he had discovered that sometimes there was no way of making her talk if she didn't want to talk. James couldn't help but wonder if New York would change her, make her more open, talkative and willing to trust people.

As he sat watching her lost in her own thoughts and memories, he knew that leaving Montana was the best thing for her in so many ways. Her entire life since that fateful day in the diner had centred around what happened in some way, shape or form. It was sometimes her moods or behaviours, her distrust of people and her obsession with trying to find the killer. He didn't blame her for having that obsession, he had it himself since that day he walked into the bloodbath that was once a diner. He may have spent a lot of time with Lindsay and her family, but he had also spent many, many long hours poring over every single bit of evidence that had been recovered. And there was a lot. A lot was probably an understatement, after all the diner was a public place and there were more finger prints than anyone would have thought possible and in the strangest of places. However, after a lot of analysis and footwork, over fifty percent of the fingerprints were identified relatively quickly. The crime lab were eternally grateful for the detectives who got to do a lot of the chasing up of well everyone who had been in the diner for one reason or another and included a lot of service personnel who weren't local. James also thought about the public response to the shooting and how willing many people, adults and children, who had been in the diner at one point or another in the week before the shooting had been to help eliminate themselves as suspects by providing fingerprints and alibis. There had been a fear that lay thick and heavy over the whole of Bozeman for weeks and James had felt the weight of guilt upon his shoulders, along with constant phone calls and emails from local politicians and lawyers desperate for a suspect to be apprehended. Of course it hadn't happened. The extra pressure, guilt, lack of sleep and a proper diet and an entire forest of paperwork that was sat in his office and one of the conference rooms in the building had given him an oesophageal ulcer. Thank goodness for his wife Sarah who forced him to go to the doctors before it killed him. He managed to keep that side effect of the case away from everyone except Mark Donovan, the lead detective on the case and the Monroe's. Having known each other for many years Dave had known when something was wrong. As he sat and considered what happened after the diner shooting James allowed himself to drift off into his own memories.

_James was sat waiting to be discharged from hospital after an endoscopy which had discovered a relatively large ulcer and a prescription for potentially lifesaving drugs. He had also received a complimentary lecture on reducing stress and dietary management, which annoyed him when he discovered he would have to lay off spicy food and citrus fruit for the foreseeable future until the pills had a chance to do their magic. He had managed to get away without telling anyone about his health problems by asking for annual leave. As he had worked almost six months without a day off desperately seeking an answer to the diner shooting, it had been granted at short notice and without questions. It really did pay to be a workaholic boss sometimes. He had expected Sarah to pick him up. She had said she would be there in thirty minutes or so and here he was an hour later and no sign of her. As he was about to phone her and rant about being stranded in hell, he heard the not so dulcet tones of Dave Monroe as he rounded the corner into James' room. _

"_What the bloody hell have you been up to? Are you a frigging idiot? Didn't you think to take care of yourself?" Dave's tone softened and was filled with a not so subtle laugh as he added in the next bit, "Don't you ever divorce your wife you loon, otherwise you'll be dead in a week!"_

_James tried to hold back a smile as he retorted, "Like you can talk. I'd give you a day or two before you dropped down dead."_

"_Nah, Eve's got me well trained sadly. She makes sure I can cook on a regular basis. Apparently it's in case she dies before me or, and I quote, 'I might get up one day and divorce your sorry ass and get all the land and ranch, then you would need to know how to cook yourself because no one would want someone with nothing!'"_

_James laughed as he had heard Eve say this to Dave more than once over the years. His wife Sarah on the other hand had a collection of take out menus saved up in case of her death or divorce. Both men knew their wives weren't planning on leaving them anytime soon, but it didn't mean that Eve and Sarah didn't like to keep them both on their toes periodically. _

_Dave sat down and looked at James, all evidence of laughter gone from his face and in its place anger and worry. "So what the hell were you doing ignoring the heartburn? Didn't you learn anything from my dad?" Dave's dad had died ten years previous due to a burst gastric ulcer. It had turned out he had ignored the symptoms for months and when he finally sought medical help it was too late. In a male bonding moment Dave and James had sworn they would never be so stupid. Apparently James had forgotten that agreement. And Dave was suitably pissed at his idiotic friend. "Why did you ignore it James?"_

_James felt his eyes welling up with tears but, as he described himself, being a manly man he refused to let them fall and held them back. At least for another minute or two, then they came tumbling out. And as James had held Dave two days after the shooting at the diner when reality finally kicked in about what his baby girl had gone through, Dave returned the favour, holding onto his friend while he let his grief , frustration and anger out. Somehow Dave knew it was all related to the shooting and he felt his own eyes shed tears as he thought about what had happened to his family and his friend. The nurse, Sally, who had been caring for James looked through the window on the door as she went to discharge him. She watched as he broke down, covered the small window and put a 'do not disturb' sign on the door. Like the whole of Bozeman Sally had heard about the diner and kept up to date with the investigation, or as up to date as was reported in the press. When she had started her shift that day and discovered she was looking after the man in charge of the investigation, she made sure he was given the premier treatment. Her dad had been a cop and she respected the job he did. And she had sat and talked to him for an hour and realised very quickly that his dedication to finding the killer was not far off claiming another life if things carried on the way they did. What James didn't know was that Dave had introduced himself to her and she had put two-and-two together and got four. Seeing James finally express his feelings the whole chain of events she had guessed that the two men would need some time to talk and hopefully for Dave to knock some sense into James. As she walked off Sally decided she had time for a cup of coffee before going back to chuck James out, and she went to the break room, whistling._

_Forty minutes later Dave went to find Sally and asked if she would kick James out as there was a 'delicious dinner' waiting for the two men at the Monroe's ranch. Sally walked in the room and found James sat on the bed, dressed, bag packed and in the starting position to run out of the building as soon as he was given the right signal._

"_Hey! You two finished your male bonding?" she asked having accurately assessed at the beginning of the day that James thrived on humour. _

"_Yep! We've done the male hugs, now it's off to pretend to be cowboys for a few hours and have the little ladies look after our every whim!" said James, still ready to run. _

"_You might as well relax for a minute, you have your last lecture of the day before you go," Sally said, sitting down in the large chair by the bed, a smug smile on her face. _

"_Shit!" James mumbled, shoulders slumping and staring at a stain on the floor. Dave just laughed at the misery his friend was about to suffer. "And I frigging hate you too" mutter James venting at Dave, who only started to laugh even harder._

"_Yes, shit. And you mister stop laughing and sit down too." Sally glared at Dave and waited until he had sat down in the chair on the other side of the bed before continuing. "Firstly, I wanted to say how sorry I am about what happened to your daughter. I hope you don't mind but I talked about it with James this morning."_

"_Thank you and no, I don't mind. He needed to talk to someone," said Dave, emotion filling his every word. _

"_How's she coping?" asked Sally, her curiosity getting the better of her, after knowing what she had read and been told by James._

"_She's alive. To be honest there's not much else at the moment. It is tough a lot of the time and she doesn't say much but it's still better than just after it happened when she didn't talk at all. The psychologist said it is going to be a long road."_

"_Yeah that sounds about right. People always think the victims have it lucky and their whole lives ahead of them but that's never the case, at least not at first. Tell her to take it minute by minute, then, when she's feeling stronger, hour by hour, then day by day and so on" said Sally, pain briefly flickering on her face before being replaced by her professionalism again. _

"_What happened?" asked James; his interest peaked by the conversation._

"_I saw my dad killed by a drunk driver in the line of duty. He was trying to reason with the guy who was so obviously wasted, and it seemed as though he was going to turn the engine off and get out the car. Then some other idiot cop said something, I can't remember what, that provoked him and the guy decided to put his foot to the floor and aimed at my dad. He didn't have a chance. Dad was thrown up in the air and landed on his head. Paramedics tried to resuscitate him but it was obvious even to me that he was dead. I'm just grateful he died quickly." She smiled sadly as she looked at the two men._

"_How come you were there?" asked James, trying to work out why she would have been there if her dad was working. _

"_Fate, destiny, bad luck, bad timing, who knows. I had left college and was going out for dinner with my then boyfriend. We turned a corner and watched it unfold. I couldn't leave once I realised it was dad," she paused picturing that final scene of her dad's life. "I was so proud of him, watching him do his job, his dignity and skill. I got to say goodbye though before the paramedics took him away and for that I am forever grateful."_

"_What happened to him? The guy who drove the car?" asked Dave, amazed by how this young woman had overcome witnessing such a tragic and devastating event only to work hard to help and give to others. It gave him hope that Lindsay might just come out the other side. _

"_The driver was jailed. I can't remember for how long, a while though as it turned out he was a dealer on top of everything else. The cop was suspended whilst an internal investigation was carried out and then I heard he left the force. If I'm honest I hated him more than the driver. He was the one who scared him and caused him to react as he did."_

"_And now?" asked Dave._

"_Now? Now I'm good. I've made my peace with it all. Don't get me wrong, I miss my dad every day but I realised after a lot of therapy and the love and support of my family and friends that I had a choice. I could stay angry and let it consume me or I could learn to live my life again. So I went to nursing school. I love my job and have been here for three years. I get to meet amazing people like you guys. If I think about holding onto the anger and bitterness I know I wouldn't be at this point in my life and that would be a waste." Sally paused and turned to face Dave. "I didn't go through half of what your daughter went through and I was older so it was easier for me to work out what happened and how and why I felt like I did. Let's face it, teenage years suck at the best of times!" The three of them laughed in agreement before she continued. "The only thing I can say, as a survivor of sorts is don't give up on her. Even when she won't talk, look at you or is screaming obscenities at you. It's not about you or the family. It's about her trying to find some sort of order in the chaos of her mind and she needs to do that before she can moves forwards. Believe me, when I look back I am so thankful for the continual unconditional love I received and to be honest that is what I think about more than the accident. It's not that I don't miss my dad, I do, but the good stays with you longer and is much clearer."_

_Sally looked at James who was watching her, and he realised his time had come. "Look, we've been through the dietary and lifestyle changes you need to make. None of us can force you to do anything if you don't want to. But what I will say is if you die in the near future is there anyone who will fight for justice for Lindsay more or even the same as you? I'm not asking that to put even more guilt on your shoulders, I'm asking if you want to die before you solve this case, no matter how long it takes. Keep up with your current lifestyle choices and your life will be shortened and you will have no say in it. Make changes, which aren't that hard and you could live to solve this case or pass the torch onto someone else. You're the only one who can decide James. OK?" _

"_You're a smart woman Sally," said James after a minutes silence as he digested what Sally had told him._

"_Well, like I say, experience really does have its advantages and can guide us in a direction we never knew was ours for the taking. Believe me when I say it's a good path to be on." She stood, handing over the copies of treatment letters and advice sheets to James, before turning to walk out the room. As she reached the door she stopped and turned to face the two men once more. "And believe this, it's been a pleasure and honour to meet you both and I wish you and your families nothing but a long and happy life together. Tell Lindsay I'll be thinking of her & praying that she will find her way out of the darkness." And with that she strode out of the room. _

_James didn't see Sally for another three years. It was the day of Lindsay's graduation from high school and both James and Sarah had been invited to the ceremony. Sally had been there also to see her niece graduate. James went over to talk to her. _

"_Hi," he started uncertainty in his voice."I'll bet you don't remember but..."_

"_Hi James!" she interrupted, embracing him, happiness in her voice._

"_You remember me?" he asked, surprised as he knew she must have met hundreds of patients in her time as a nurse._

"_Of course I do. Why wouldn't I? I've been following the case when updates are released. And," she paused, taking in his appearance and noting that he had obviously lost at least two stone in weight, "and you look good! You obviously took the advice the doctor gave you?"_

"_No, I took the advice you gave me."_

"_Me?" she asked confused._

"_If it wasn't for you I would have carried on. Thanks to you and a lot of high grade nagging from my wife, I started taking care of myself, including not working every hour in the week unless I had no other choice and I have even taken holidays and been eating better."_

"_How's the ulcers?"_

"_Gone. Haven't had them for at least two years. "_

_Sally stood amazed by what she had just heard. She hadn't believed he would have listened at all but was so proud of his achievements. Suddenly, she became aware of a third person joining them and she instantaneously recognised her. _

"_Lindsay Monroe I presume?" Sally asked. _

_Lindsay put her hand out to shake Sally's hand, whilst James did the introductions. "Linds this is Sally. She's the nurse who looked after me in hospital three years ago."_

_Lindsay looked at her before speaking, "You're the one, whose dad was killed in front of you, aren't you?" _

"_Yes I am, how do you know?" she asked perplexed at the conversation._

"_James and dad told me and the rest of our families everything. We're the kind of families and friends where there are no secrets - even if you want them!"_

_The three of them laughed before Lindsay continued. "Thank you for your words you told dad and James. They did help. Not so much at the time but after the year anniversary they made more sense and have helped me on more than one occasion, so thank you."_

"_You are so welcome and I'm overjoyed to see you looking good. Congratulations on getting your diploma. You should be really proud of yourself."_

"_Thanks I am. I did it for the girls too. Well, I was told to retrieve you James, we're off to the house for food," said Lindsay. "Would you like to come?" she asked Sally._

"_No thank you. I'm off celebrating with my niece and my brother's family, but you have a fantastic day and good luck for the future." And with those parting words, Sally pulled both Lindsay and then James into a hug, before turning and walking to her own family. James and Lindsay looked at each other and smiled, before James put his arm over Lindsay's shoulders and they walked back to where the rest of the Monroe's and Sarah were waiting, ready to celebrate Lindsay's big achievement. _

"What are you thinking about?" asked Lindsay, pulling James back to the present, a smile lighting up her face.

James smiled back at Lindsay and waited a few seconds before answering. "I was thinking about Sally. Do you remember her? She was the nurse who looked after me when I was in the hospital."

"Yes, I remember her. I still hold onto her words even now. You know, when things are really, really hard. I think she planted that little seed of maybe using my experience to help others in some way. Well, her and Jake," Lindsay stopped and watched James waiting for the predictable question he was trying so hard to hold onto. He could only hold onto his words for a minute or so, before they blurted out.

"What do you mean; she planted the seed for you using your experience for the powers of good? I thought you said I did? Seriously, what are you trying to do to me? I can still call Mac Taylor and tell him you are in fact a bad seed and must stay in Montana!" He stopped not sure if he was more annoyed by Lindsay's words or her reaction as he watched her laughing in the chair opposite him. Apparently though, her laughter was an infectious disease of sorts as he found the anger and then laughter leaving his body. They both stopped laughing briefly to watch as a young lab tech walked past his office, obviously on an information gathering mission for the rest of those working the late or night shifts They could see him trying to work out what had been going on in the office to make Lindsay and James roar with laughter and how he was going to explain this to the others. Then he walked back to the labs shaking his head, and Lindsay and James burst out laughing again, tears spilling down both their faces. Lindsay was the first to speak, once she was able to breathe normally.

"You know you wouldn't ring Mac Taylor. You've been celebrating finally getting rid of me since even before I got the job! Did you pay him?" she asked cheekily, wanting to continue this light, goodbye conversation, knowing that when it was time for her to leave the final time the tears wouldn't be of joy but sorrow.

"I didn't pay him, although I would have happily sacked a few people had I needed to! You were getting to be a right pain in my ass. And the last thing I need or want is some 'child' showing me up knowing more than I do. So, you were going whether you wanted to or not!" James retorted, emphasising the word 'child', as she was younger than his own daughter.

"Had you not paid him, I would have sold you out to some criminal element just so I could have gotten the job!"

"They so don't have any idea what they are letting themselves in for."

"What do you mean?" asked Lindsay her curiosity peaked.

"Look at you, you always dress relatively conservatively and you are so quiet and shy when people first meet you. Of course you then open your mouth and it all goes down the pan, but you look sweet and innocent."

"Bullshit!"

"And my case is well and truly rested and I will think up some suitable punishment for you."

"No you won't. I'm going and you've always liked me more than anyone else here."

"Shut up!"

"Why didn't you become a lawyer? With an argument like that we would have a 100% closure rate here in Montana!"

"You do know I'm still your boss for another," he looked at his watch and calculated the time left," ten hours. I could make your life hell. I'm personally hoping for a nice dirty case that needs someone to go dumpster diving. Or maybe a last visit into our city sewers."

"That's just mean. I mean there is a newbie here in the lab and that kind of work is for newbies. Not people who could spread bad rumours about you before they leave. And we both know I would. Or even better, I can find some wonderful experiment to try out on you before I leave. You know I live for those kinds of things!" Lindsay replied, a smug grin on her face.

"And game, set, match to Miss Monroe." James held out his hand to shake Lindsay's in a manner of team spirit.

"What did it for me? I mean that knowledge could come in very useful when I move."

"Threatening to spread rumours about me. I mean I know you wouldn't, but at the same time thanks to your big-mouthed father I am not going to take any chances. You will, of course, have to find another innovative way of getting all the dirt about your new co-workers."

"Hmmm," she muttered thinking about the information James had just shared with her. "So what you are saying is the only way to go is to have to sleep with the boss or one of my work mates and maybe with a bit of pillow talk get all the dirty information that way?"

"Well, seeing as you haven't known any of them since birth, yep! I think that's your only way to go."

"If only I dated co-workers."

"Yep! Workplace relationships have too high a failure rate for you to risk especially as a newcomer. You are going to have to learn how to behave yourself woman. And a final word of warning. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT use the boss as a guinea pig. Believe me from experience I can tell you it does not go down well. I came this close to firing you after each and every one of your experiment that involved me!" holding his thumb and forefinger a few millimetres apart as if to emphasis his point.

"No you didn't, I'm too good at my job."

"OK, well that's true but it doesn't mean I didn't think about it. Especially after the last one involving the wax strips. I'm sure you made that all up because it was just mean."

"I wish I had made it up but, as you know, I proved my point and," she said pointing her finger at James, wagging it at the same time, "the suspect was found guilty and sentenced to fifty years in prison. So it was worth it."

"Not to me. Do you know how much shit I got because of the bald spot on my very hairy leg? Still haven't lived it down with the boys, again thanks to your big mouthed father. Even Sarah enjoyed picking on me. She even tried to get me wax other parts of me."

"She suggested a Brazilian for men didn't she?" asked Lindsay, unable to keep the laughter out of her tone.

"Never, ever mention that, that, that procedure in my presence again! It is a form of torture that maybe should be used only on sexual deviants. Not on normal manly men."

"Normal manly men get them done too."

"No we don't. We keep our hair where it is supposed to be. Except when it comes out of ears and noses. Then it's just wrong. And eye watering to remove."

"I really didn't need to hear that nor did I want that image in my brain!" The two colleagues sat basking in the easy going banter that both would miss. James knew Lindsay would manage to give back as good as she got anywhere in the world. He was also saddened because there were few people around at work he could or would have this kind of relationship with. And he was going to miss it. He was even going to miss her crazy experiments, even those that caused him a great deal of pain - mentally and physically.

Suddenly Lindsay remembered James' question from the very beginning of this mad conversation. "James, you do know that although Sally planted the seed in my brain, it was you who chose what that seed was going to be."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Even if I say so myself, it was a good choice of seed."

"Thank you."

"You are welcome. Now get your desk and locker cleared and get your butt out of here!"

"I'm working till eight."

"Yeah and everything you needed to sort out and complete before you left has been done since last week. I'm fairly certain you are owed a few hours for unpaid work so get out of here or seriously, I will go out there myself and commit some crime in the sewers that will then involve a lot of dumpster diving!"

"I'm going to miss you."

"You too but you'd better not be a stranger. We have working home and mobile phones so you had better not forget the numbers, OK?"

"I won't. Plus I'll be home occasionally to see the family. And that includes you and Sarah."

Lindsay and James stood up and hugged each other. Lindsay couldn't hold back the tears as it finally hit her she wasn't going to be working at the Bozeman crime lab again. James shed a couple of tears knowing he would miss her quick wit, come backs and amazing work. Lindsay released her hold on James first and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before moving to leave the office. Just before she left she opened the door.

"You coming over for dinner on Saturday?"

"Do you think I would miss one of your mother's fantastic offerings?"

"See you and Sarah then. And James?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you, for everything. You went above and beyond after the shooting and I am so grateful you were willing to give me a chance to work for you. I will never forget that."

"You're welcome." Lindsay pulled the handle down. "You know I won't stop looking."

Lindsay released the handle stunned by this confession. "Pardon?"

"I won't ever stop looking for him and when we get him I'll call you first."

"Promise?" she asked in a teary voice.

"Promise. Until the day we catch him or when I retire, and then I shall programme it into whoever takes over this lab that this job must be done on Mondays and Thursday without fail, I will check all the databases and anywhere else I can think of to get a hit on the prints we have just waiting to put him away."

"How about I forward to you how I've been doing it and that will save you at least three hours work?"

"Thank you."

"You know you could have just asked for how I've been searching for him!" and with that she sauntered out of James' office, whistling happily, a slight skip in her step.

"God I'm going to miss you Lindsay Monroe. New York have no idea how bloody lucky they are" he said to himself, before shaking off the downturn in his mood and getting his stuff together and figuring he would actually be on time for once for dinner with his wife.

**_as always a huge thank you & hugs for Brina. without you this story wouldn't be here in any way, shape or form ;D_**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you to everyone who read & reviewed the last chapter. I am still behind on my repies but I am getting there so you should have a reply soon :) Blame work - I do! **

**This continues on with Lindsay's last day at the Bozeman lab. Enjoy!**

**And as always the only thing I own are my dvd's - including season 6 which I will own by the weekend! Yippee!**

If Lindsay found it hard to empty her desk, then her locker was a whole different issue. It was so much harder as it really hit her that she was now severing all ties with the Bozeman crime lab. At least on a 'work colleague, member of' kind of way. Her desk had been easier because it had been devoid of personal items with the exception of one photo. It was of Lindsay, Kelly, Amanda and Rose taken a week before they died. She had chosen it specifically because of the time frame and it gave her added focus to her work. Why she was doing it and who for. It was always for justice and to give closure and peace to the victims, their families and friends. And to give justice to the girls; to herself if she was honest, although she never said that aloud. She thought it sounded too self-absorbed if she admitted that she was doing it for her, so she always deflected the reasoning back towards the girls. Her dead friends. Every time she checked databases for an owner to the fingerprint of the suspected shooter and every time it would come back negatively she would look at the photo and apologise. She always felt guilty at her failures even though she knew it wasn't her fault. But even nine years after the shooting she still felt guilty at times for living. It was why she always strived to get the answer to the crimes. The why. The how, where, what with was always easier to digest but the 'why' was always the elusive piece of evidence she tried to find and when she didn't it haunted her. James had told her again and again not to hold onto the inability to answer some of the questions. Some of them couldn't be answered. But it never stopped Lindsay trying.

Ever.

The day she stopped trying to find out why, would be the time she changed careers.

As she opened her locker Lindsay was suddenly filled with tears as she looked at the pictures that adorned her locker door. She had put them there to remind her of why she was doing her job, who were the people who loved her and were proud of her and stood behind her, supporting her in every move she made in her life. As she removed each of the photos Lindsay felt the tears running down her cheeks, She wasn't normally an over sentimental person at work but she couldn't help but think of the day and time each photo was taken. There was one photo she had found on her desk one morning after a very dirty and smelly case. Lindsay was filthy and smelly, which you could imagine looking at the picture. James had kindly put it there and earnt himself a night on the couch by way of his wife. She couldn't help but laugh at the memory of the case where she had spent the best part of a week in the sewers trying to find a knife which had been used in a fatal stabbing. The suspect had refused to admit to the crime. They had been able to work out an area where the suspect had been seen running after the crime and not an exact location. Bins, dumpsters and everything in between had been checked for signs of the weapon and in desperation, and fear of the suspect walking, James had suggested the sewers were the next place to check. That meant the sewers from where the crime had occurred to where the suspect had last been seen. It was a very long and very, very smelly and dirty week and James was cursed on more than one occasion. Lindsay had even considered trying to find a witch to curse him until her mum had suggested talking to Sarah. Lindsay looked at her mum confused and her mum elaborated by suggesting that 'a wife can always withhold certain bedroom activities until they regain control of their situation.' Lindsay hadn't been so sure of that until after the third day below ground. Half way through the day she was finally seeing daylight again and decided to ring Sarah for any suggestions about what to do. Sarah had said she would take care of it and Lindsay had decided that not knowing exactly she was going to do was the way to go. Two hours later Lindsay had a phone call from James who returned her three days worth of curses in five minutes, cursed the whole of woman kind for their hold on men by way of their sexuality and told Lindsay she could come back to the lab. Lindsay agreed in principle but she was by now determined to find the offending weapon. Five minutes later she triumphantly announced to everyone they could go back to the lab as she held a ten inch, very sharp and very dirty, yet bloody knife. James had kindly snapped the picture as she, and the other personnel returned to the lab, unbeknownst to them all. The suspect was found guilty and imprisoned and Lindsay decided to ask Sarah for her assistance after she received the photo. James was not best pleased with a night on the sofa and he kept Lindsay on his side at all times after that deciding he couldn't trust her not to play dirty again.

Literally.

Suddenly it her that she didn't have a get out of the dumpsters or sewers card for New York and her heart sank as she realised she would, without a shadow of doubt, literally get the shitty jobs. And she groaned loudly at that prospect. As she closed her locked after removing the rest of her personal items and clothes, she rested her forehead on the door and took in some slow, deep breaths and tried to hold onto her emotions. She had known what she was letting herself in for and she knew that she would start at the bottom but the realisation that she wouldn't have the same allies and friends that she did in Bozeman. She didn't mind starting again and being the new girl. That she got. But having no one near her whom she could go to when she was struggling with her emotions or memories was starting to create panic within her. She pushed herself off the door and left the locker room. Unfortunately she wasn't able to escape the confines of the lab as quickly as she hoped. As she left the locker room she was met with her now ex-co-workers all waiting to see her off, including those who were not currently working. James stood to the side, smiling proudly at her with a fatherly kind of love. He couldn't believe that after everything she had been through that they were here now, watching her leave them and go to one of the best labs in the country. He had never imagined in all his years running the lab that one of his employees would make such a move and he couldn't help at being a little proud and smug because he knew he had played a part in her growth as a crime scene investigator.

After receiving hugs, cards and words of wisdom and well wishes, everyone fell silent and all eyes turned to James. He knew this was his cue for his farewell speech and so he cleared his throat and tried to work out where to start.

.

"Lindsay, you have been an amazing asset to this lab and you have served Montana with pride, determination and honour. When you started here I honestly didn't know how you would cope with everything we see, the blood, guts and the evil side of human nature as well as impulses and bad decisions. Yet everyday you have worked here you have held your head up high, worked quietly, efficiently and been so determined to not only do your best but to provide the answers needed for the prosecutors, victims, their family and friends but also for yourself. There have been times when those of us who work with you would have stopped looking but so many times you have continued on with purpose to ensure that no stone was left unturned. I know that I have taught you a lot as have many of the staff here, but you have taught everyone who works here too, even though you may not have been aware of it.

New York has no idea how lucky they are to have you as a member of their team, however I am sure they will learn that soon enough. I can honestly say I wish I could be a fly on the wall the day you use the boss as a guinea pig!" A chorus of giggles were heard as James paused, before continuing. "But if there is one thing I know about you is that you won't fail. You need to know everything and you will work as hard there as you have done here finding justice for those who deserve and need it. You need to go there and show those New Yorkers that just because you have come from a country state that you are just as smart, just as brave and more hard-working than they are and prove them wrong about us! But most of all, you go and show them that they can't function without you. You are going to do great things and you are going to achieve more than even you ever thought possible and we will get to say that we knew you way back when.

Oh, and don't forget to stop by and see us when you come home. You may end up being all cosmopolitan and become a city girl but you had better not forget your roots. If you do we will kidnap you, bring you back here and make you remember. Please Linds, don't forget us because there is no way we will ever forget you. Even if we tried we couldn't because you have made an impact on us in both a professional and personal context and for that I know that I will always be thankful that you came to work for us." James found his voice starting to crack as he tried to hold back the tears. He was going to miss his 'home-grown Montanan firecracker' as one of the lab techs called her. Lindsay had less luck holding back the tears and walked over to James to hug him and whisper in his ear, "Thank you for everything. And of course I won't forget you. Ever."

She then spent another twenty minutes saying her final goodbyes to her friends and colleagues before she was presented with a large box. She looked up confused, as she had received a bouquet of flowers and a large selection of New York guide books at a leaving dinner the previous week. James spoke first, "Open it up when you get home. It's a little something to remind you of where you have come from."

"OK." She placed the new box down and took a deep breath before speaking again. "I know I did my speech when we went out but I just want to say again thank you for everything. For making me feel part of the team when I first started, for teaching me everything and answering all my questions even when I am sure you were ready to hit me sometimes! But mostly I want to say thank you for making me good at what I do. If it wasn't for each and every one of you I wouldn't be able to do my job and I wouldn't be leaving for New York. If I'm honest, I'm terrified because I know it is going to be so different from here, but because of you all I know I will settle in, even if it takes a while. And I will come and visit when I'm home, although I have no idea when that will be, but if any of you ever visit the Big Apple, you have better look me up! But lastly I want to say thank you for supporting me and continuing to help search for the killer at the diner. Maybe one day I will be able to come back here and help put the bastard away and believe me, that will be a day of celebration, and mum has said she will be putting on a party and everyone will be invited!"

"Well, if that isn't an incentive for finding him, I don't know what is!" said James, who always loved parties at the Monroe's and knew that the day this particular nightmare ended there would be big celebrations all round.

"OK, well I hate to say this but I really have to go because I really don't want to get called into a scene and let's face it, how often does James let us get out of the lab early?"

"I could change my mind and make you work until eight am" said James. The rest of the staff laughed and knew that once it started the bantering between James and Lindsay could go on for quite some time. They all knew that Lindsay and James had known each other for many years; James always made it quite clear when rumours about them having an affair or favouritism went round, as they did periodically. Once people knew their relationship was purely platonic in a father / daughter sense and about the shooting any resentment towards Lindsay dissipated. Those who had popped in to say goodbye again left and the other staff members went back to their work until Lindsay was stood with just James.

"Yeah but you won't!" said Lindsay, before picking up her bag and her box of possessions. "Can you look after this for me as I can't manage everything down to the car in one journey please?" she asked, the box of possessions tucked under her chin and considerably heavier than she had thought possible.

"How about I take the big box and you take the smaller one?" asked James, automatically taking the large box before she answered and could say no. Lindsay picked up the smaller box and the two walked down to their cars, continuing with the banter until they reached Lindsay's car. James helped her put them in the truck before saying, "I'm not going to say another goodbye, well not yet. I'll see you on Sunday and for the record I'm expecting tears when you realise you won't be working with me ever again because you know deep in your heart somewhere that you will miss me!" with that he kissed her on the cheek and walked off to his car, leaving her laughing in his wake.

Lindsay drove home slowly, due to the fact that she had to pull over more than once and wipe her tears away before continuing her journey. When she imagined the journey and leaving the lab she always thought it would be a happy experience as she looked forwards to her future, but in reality it was much harder than she had first thought. Once she got to the ranch she decided to leave the box of personal possessions in the truck and took the smaller box in the house. After saying 'hi' to her parents and explaining that James had allowed her to leave early, she sat down in the lounge with her parents and the box.

"What's in the box?" asked Dave, his nose still buried deep within the paper.

Lindsay crinkled her nose up in confusion as she tried to work out how in the world her dad knew she had this box. Sensing her question and with the newspaper still remaining exactly where it was he gave her the answer to her question. "I saw it when you came in. And I'm nosy! So hurry up and open it!"

"Dave, behave yourself. She'll open it when she's ready." Eve turned to look at Lindsay. "What is it? Didn't they already give you a leaving gift, well gifts?"

"Yeah, I mean I got all those books and guides but everyone was there when I got the box so maybe it is another present." Lindsay finally looked up from the box before continuing, "I guess there's only one way to find out what it is!" And she started to remove half a roll of tape which had been used to keep the box firmly shut. Silently cursing James as she tried to open the box that she knew as the culprit behind the use of so much tape, he knew she hated the waste of tape in this way and he had no problems with overdoing it just to rile her up. Ten minutes later she had finally managed to open the box and pulled out the first if five, what she could only presume were pictures of the staff and maybe her at work. Everyone at the Bozeman lab was a little camera crazy - both at crime scenes and in the labs. Lindsay gasped loudly and her eyes filled with tears. The pictures weren't of her friends and colleagues at the lab. They were of Montana. There was an aerial picture of the Monroe ranch; a picture of the Bozeman crime lab; the Bitterroot Mountains; Montana State University; and wheat fields - meaningless to many outside the state but Lindsay a beautiful sight that always gave her a sense of calm and home. She had no doubt that James had been behind this and was, for once, speechless, but also relieved that when she was in New York she would always have a little piece of home with her. Maybe, just maybe she would be OK in the city.

Just as she was about to thrown the box out she saw an envelope at the bottom of it. She picked it up and there was a note written on the outside. _'Before you argue we collected a huge amount of money for your leaving gift. You have made an impact on this lab in so many ways. Even after buying the books, flowers and pictures we still had a substantial amount of money left. Use it to either buy yourself a gift or two to have even more of Montana in your new home, a flight home or to buy something for your new apartment. We will all miss you more than words could ever say. God Bless. James'. _Lindsay opened the envelope finding her fingers shaking. Inside was a cheque for $500. And the tears of happiness continued to fall.

It was two days after she had officially finished work and already Lindsay was bored. She felt as though she was trapped in some kind of no man's land and it sucked. She had moved back to the ranch three weeks previous after her apartment had been sold. Her parents were going to store the furniture she wanted to keep until she found a suitable apartment in Manhattan. Her Uncle Freddy had offered to put her up until she found a place, although his advice about considering Brooklyn or Queens to live in had fallen on deaf ears. Lindsay wanted to experience the whole New York lifestyle and that meant living in Manhattan. She was grateful for the large profit she made on her apartment although she was disappointed to discover that she didn't have enough to buy a place in Manhattan without having to get a very large mortgage, which she doubted she could afford on her salary. Instead she had the dilemma of whether to buy, anywhere but in Manhattan apparently, or rent until Freddy told her that it wasn't worth buying until she had an idea about where she wanted to live and how much she could afford., especially as the cost of living was going to be a lot more than in Montana.

Lindsay was sat at the kitchen table using her laptop to find local letting agents in Manhattan and trying to see what was available. Instead of being incredibly lucky she was having absolutely no luck and deemed virtually everything she saw as out of her price range. Those that were within her price range were within areas Freddy had advised her to steer clear of or the buildings looked as though they were fire hazards or could fall down if the wind blew in the wrong direction. Frustrated, angry and worried Lindsay slammed the laptop shut, pushed it away and bashed her head on the table a little harder than intended. It wasn't until she growled and muttered something under her breath that her mum, who had been in the room the entire time, spoke to her.

"You put a dent or mark on my table and you'll be in big trouble." She started, hoping that humour would help diffuse the anger she could now feel emanating from her daughter. It was a complete failure and the next thing she heard was Lindsay thumping the table, her anger now trying to find a way out of her body. There was only one thing to do and so Eve went to the study to phone Dave and arrange the one thing that would use up Lindsay's anger in a relatively safe and productive manner. One quick phone call later and she returned to the kitchen to find Lindsay, head on the table still hitting the table.

"You'd better go get yourself ready; dad needs help on the ranch. You have a choice, there's some overdue rawhide braiding to be done or a few stalls that need to be cleaned. It's your choice honey but you need to get rid of this anger before I hit you. Now."

Lindsay looked up at her mum and saw that she had no choice in the matter, she knew her mum wouldn't hit her. She never had. Lindsay wasn't willing to take any chances, so she got up from the table and stomped off up to her bedroom, much like she did as a teenager, well before the girls were murdered. After then it was a totally different matter but even now Eve found it funny to watch as Lindsay normally had a relatively even keeled temperament unless something was bothering her, then she always needed a way of getting her feelings out in the open especially when she couldn't verbalise what she feeling. Five minutes later she was down in the kitchen, in jeans and t-shirt. She went to find her boots and couldn't help but wonder if she would be mocked for having cowboy boots. As she walked round Bozeman they weren't uncommon, easy to buy and no one judged you for wearing them. She wondered if she would be able to take the mocking that she knew would be inevitable because of being a 'country girl'. Just as she finished putting her boots on her dad entered the kitchen.

"I've come to collect a day labourer and some food and drink, please" he started. Eve gave him a quick kiss before finishing the lunch she was preparing for the two of them. She indicated to where Lindsay was sat with her head and mouthed the words "Good luck." Dave took one look at his daughter and could see the negative emotions she was wearing on her sleeve. Before the shooting Lindsay had no problems expressing her feelings, but since then and even nine years later there were still times when she couldn't verbalise her feelings which led to where she was at this moment in time. Luckily for Lindsay her parents knew that sometimes she needed to get out onto the ranch and do some tough manual work and get out her emotions to a point where she could start talking again. So they formed a tag team when necessary and Dave would take his daughter off on the ranch somewhere and after a few hours Lindsay would talk to him a little before asking to return to the house to go and talk to her mum.

Silently Lindsay stood up, kissed her mum and went outside to her dad's truck waiting for him to return. Dave looked at Eve silently asking the question, "What's' wrong with Linds?"

Eve sighed worried about how her daughter was going to cope in New York because she knew that Lindsay wouldn't have access to the ranch or people who would know her and know when to intervene. "She was looking for apartments and had no luck finding anything suitable. I know she spoke to Freddy again earlier and he was talking to her about the costs of living and I think she's starting to panic about how she will be able to afford to live and work there. But I'm more concerned about how she's going to cope with her emotions when we aren't there to help her sort them out. I think she will cope with living in a small apartment and on less money. She will definitely cope with the work because she thrives on that but what is she going to do at the end of a tough day or a tough case? How is she going to expend the emotional energy she creates when she is angry or down? What is she going to do when we aren't there to send her out to work on the ranch and let her frustrations out?"

Dave had the same fears about his youngest and he wished he could have an instant solution for her, but that was never going to happen. "Look, I honestly don't know honey but I'll let her get the worst of it out before talking to her. However, I was doing some research though and have found some stables just outside the city. I found out that central park has stables too but I think the ones I contacted may be better because they are more in the countryside. They have facilities for Lindsay to go out and ride and clear her head but they have also agreed that she can go out and help with the mucking out, grooming and apparently they also have a local blacksmith who does short courses. They are always in need of braids and I have offered them a regular supply in part payment for Lindsay going and spending time out there. They will also charge her reduced rates each time she is there and if she is willing to help with the mucking out and taking care of the horses then they will charge her even less. I'll talk to her today and let you know what she says, OK?"

Eve stood, mouth open and in shock. Dave had been reluctant to get a computer originally dreading the technology invading their lifestyle and home. However he had soon found it to be invaluable, especially for his business matters. Then he feared the hold access to the internet would have over their children and had been proven right when his three sons each spent time either gaming or looking for porn. As much as they tried to deny it, it took the boys some time to realise their parents had access to the internet history. Of course once they found this out they worked out how to hide their online searching a little better, although their parents were not, contrary to popular belief stupid. Dave had been the one to suggest getting a webcam once Lindsay had decided to apply for the job in New York. Eve and Dave had never been as concerned about their sons moving on, but there was a different bond with Lindsay, in part due to her experiences and shift in behaviours and thinking after the shooting. If they were honest they were terrified of her leaving and moving to such a big city. Not only was it the polar opposite of the life she had lived until now. There was the crime rate and the types of crime and their fears and concerns multiplied a hundred fold. But if there was one thing they were sure of it was that Lindsay was a survivor. She knew how to take down a two hundred pound man, thanks to her brothers for educating her in the ways of fighting and the behaviours of drunken idiots, and she could use many different types of guns thanks to her dad. Lindsay hated guns and she hated using them but she had gotten more tolerant of them since working in the police department and crime lab. She was always grateful that she had never killed anyone to date, although she had shot and injured two suspects on two occasions. Both shootings had haunted her for weeks but the shock had finally worn off as she accepted that in both cases it was shoot or be killed. So she made her peace with both events.

Eve couldn't believe what her husband had been up to whilst he was on the computer supposedly ordering supplies and updating the accounts. He had been researching the city where his baby girl was moving to. He was finding places for her to go and find sanctuary when she needs to, as well as researching places to visit, safe and 'unsafe' neighbourhoods and spending long conversations via the webcam with his brother Freddy asking for advice for him and Eve but also for Lindsay. He wasn't happy about Lindsay moving so far away bit thanks to several lectures from James he knew how good she was at her job, what an amazing opportunity this would be for her career and thanks to the psychologist Dr Walker, whom the whole family had seen on and off ever since the shooting. Dr Walker believed the move would be the making of Lindsay and help her form a new person separate from the family and the ties that bind, in her case they weren't good ties. Dave and Eve had spent several sessions with Dr Walker discussing Lindsay's impending move and how to let her go. They had been her anchor for so long that they didn't know how to let her go, so she had helped them through this process. They both knew that when she left on the Sunday morning they would need the support of their sons Peter and Tony. Jake was travelling with his sister to help her feel settled and explore her new home for a few days before travelling back to Seattle.

Dave had taken one of Dr Walker's suggestions to heart and unbeknownst to the family he had literally spent hours reading articles and websites on the internet, as well adding to the pile of guide and information books Lindsay had received as part of her leaving present. He was determined that he would show his support for his daughter even if it was the last thing he wanted her to do. And it had shocked Eve so much that she was still stood rigid, staring at him full of love and surprise and pride at his actions. She knew how hard he had taken the news even though he did his best to hide it, but knowing that he was going to do everything within his power to make things easier for his daughter, helped her fall in love with him just a little bit more. Eve couldn't speak so she did the next best thing. She walked up to Dave, put her arms round him and gently kissed him. Finally her voice returned and she pushed him out of the door to go and told him to go and spend some quality time with his daughter, even though they both knew it would be anything but quality time until Lindsay's rage had decreased substantially. But hey, he would wait for her forever if he had to. It was what he had to do as her dad and he had never failed her in the past and refused to start now. He released his grip on Eve, returned the kiss and smiled at her before picking up the food and drinks she had prepared and walking out to the truck where his daughter was waiting for him. .

In all honesty Dave and Lindsay could have done the rawhide braiding in the barn nearest the house. However, for many years Lindsay once she was taught by her dad how to braid would spend at least one evening a week or a day at the weekend with her grandma, in the much smaller barn by her grandma's old house. Lindsay had often said she found it peaceful by grandma's house and even after her grandma's death would come out the barn when she needed time alone to reflect on the day. As they neared the old house and barn Lindsay finally spoke.

"So what are we doing here? Are you going to try and psych me out and work out why I'm such a screw up?"

"Nope!" said Dave, switching the engine off and jumping out the truck. By the time he had retrieved the food, drink and radio from the back and started walking towards the barn, Lindsay was standing besides the truck.

"So what we doing here?"

"Firstly, it's 'what are we doing here?' remember your grammar", earning him a very loud, sarcastic sigh from his daughter. "Secondly, I need braids, didn't your mother tell you?" he was rewarded with his daughter shrugging her shoulders. "Get your butt in here child and weave!" With that he disappeared into the barn leaving Lindsay stood in the yard feeling like she had been duped into something she really didn't want to be duped into. At least not today. Today she wanted to be allowed to mope and worry; instead her dad was getting free labour. And not being paid for what would be a hard day's work, her dad would make sure he had an excess of braid in stock seeing as she was leaving very soon, sucked. Almost as much as she had realised the cost of living in New York would actually be. Realising there was no way out she took in a deep breath and slowly started towards the barn. As she opened the door she could hear the radio playing country music, her dad softly singing along, she made her way over to join her dad and work those hands and without realising it she started singing along.

**I know it is a rubbish place to stop but the conversation between Lindsay & her dad will continue in the next chapter. I had to split it up because otherwise the chapter would be several thousand words long. Sorry.**

**As always a huge thank you to Brina who has been fantastic to me with her encouragement, words of wisdom and gentle prodding when necessary. Thank you girly!**


	8. Chapter 8

**A big thank you to everyone who has read & reviewed the last chapter. Thank you so much for your wonderful words. **

**I still own absolutely nothing except my overwatched dvds :D **

Three hours later Lindsay's hands hurt. She couldn't help but wonder if being a CSI had made her a wuss or she just needed to get out on the ranch more. But the braiding had done its usual therapeutic work and she felt a little lighter than when she had left the house, even though absolutely nothing had been resolved. She had divided the time equally between singing along to the radio and contemplating her future. Sadly she hadn't found a suitable answer for her predicament but at least her spiral into desperation had been halted. For the time being at least. She figured that as soon as she got home the black cloud would descend upon her somewhere from her head to her feet or maybe her ankles, if she was lucky. She didn't think she would be that lucky, but the image of her prediction caused a laugh to bubble up from her belly, capturing the attention of her dad who had, to this point, pretty much ignored her.

"What's so funny Linds?"

"I was just imagining a black cloud over me. It had settled over me and when I say over me I mean literally. Just my feet were sticking out from the bottom!"

The only sound that could be heard was a loud spluttering as her dad spat out the mouthful of tea he had just been drinking. Followed by coughing and more spluttering as he tried to cough up the tea that had decided to travel down into his windpipe. All Lindsay could do to help was laugh.

And then laugh some more.

And watch her dad try to regain some degree of control and decorum over his bodily functions, whilst glaring at his youngest child. Once he finally was able to talk, and breathe normally, he spoke. "You know, I told your mum three children were enough but no, she wanted a girl."

"And you got me?"

"Yeah. And we got you," he muttered. "You know your brothers wouldn't have just watched me cough and nearly die."

"No. They probably would have tried to find ways to help ease your suffering."

"I am so going to need your mum to remind me why we decided to have children when we get back home. Not only are you all responsible for my aging rapidly, the grey hairs and empty bank balance and perpetual worry, you are all trying to find ways to kill me off. You do know that if you murder me directly or indirectly then you get nothing, except a cosy cell which James has been keeping on hold for me?"

"Firstly, you are talking to the wrong child. Remember I'm the one who knows how to kill you and dispose of your body without leaving evidence, as well as knowing my way round large parts of the Bitterroot Mountains. Secondly, why has James been keeping a cell on hold for me?"

"Firstly," he started, copying Lindsay's answer, "shit, I am talking to the wrong child!"

"Dad! Language!"

"You're not your mum and I've heard worse come out of your mouth so shut it right there young lady. Secondly, you need to remember James knew the four of you growing up. He knows all about the stunts you and your brothers got up to, including stealing Hank's tractor! You are all lucky you're not rotting in some jail cell, although your brothers did get the privilege down at the station for a night!" The glee in her father's voice hadn't gone unnoticed by Lindsay.

"When did they spend a night in jail? Why did they spend a night in jail? It wasn't their idea," and Lindsay's voice trailed off as she realised she had said far too much and she was now trying to think of a way to get out of this conversation before her dad decided to tell Hank and she got a black mark on her police record. 'Mind you, that would solve the issue of living in New York' she thought deciding that her admission may not be such a bad thing altogether.

"Lindsay Monroe!" her father's voice boomed out, scaring the crap out of her. The last time he had yelled at her with this tone was after she had driven his truck whilst a little more than just intoxicated, on a dare from Jake. It was about a month after she returned home from her failed house share with her ex-friends and cheating ex. Jake had decided to cheer her up by obliterating her memory, and with that her sense of right and wrong and of course it only increased her stupidity by agreeing to any dare he came up with. So Jake dared her to steal the keys to her dad's truck and then drive it the length of the driveway from the house to the main road and back again. It was a relatively long and straight road yet Lindsay managed to swerve to avoid a imagined rabbit or some other rodent, drove straight over the small ditch at the side of the road and into the fence post. If she was honest it did cheer her up and her dad was good to her too given the circumstances. He didn't speak to her for a week and she made the most of every minute. Of course the $350 repair bill that followed the dare along with the worst hangover she had ever suffered numbed the glory of silence somewhat, but as far as her and Jake were both concerned, she had the better end of the deal.

Seeing the look of fear on his daughter's face Dave started laughing.

And laughing.

And laughing.

It was one of those deep belly laughs that once you started you couldn't stop until you couldn't breathe and your insides hurt, making you think you had pulled a muscle or two. On realising that her dad wasn't mad at her Lindsay hit her father in the arm and then joined in the laughing. And as each breath of laughter left her body, she felt a little more of the stress and worry left her. There was a lot to be said for her parents' version of therapy along with the love the family all had for each other.

Father and daughter sat down side by side on bale of hay and laid out the food Eve had prepared for them. They ate their lunch, whilst continuing to talk.

"Listen kiddo, I knew about your idea to steal the tractor the minute it happened. Your brothers are stupid but they were never that stupid unless you were involved somehow."

Lindsay couldn't help but fill with pride at the power she exerted over her brothers.

"Stop looking so pleased with yourself. Be thankful that you were only thirteen and didn't get thrown in the cell too. Believe me I was tempted."

"No I got stuck with working for free for three weeks at Hank's farm. They got the better end of that punishment."

"You should be grateful that Hank wheedled me down from six weeks to three. I was ready to throw the book at you young lady and for a while there I thought you were really going to be trouble during your teen years."

"I only did what I knew or thought I could get away with, with people I knew. I wouldn't have stolen just anyone's tractor."

"Are you seriously trying to justify your theft of someone else's vehicle? Because as someone in the crime solving business and police force you are the last person who should be trying to justify your actions. You do know Hank and I could see if we can press charges and that will mark your record and you'll have to stay here."

"You don't want me to go to New York, do you?"

"I will answer your question but I need you to answer mine first. Do you want to go?"

"I do. It's an exciting opportunity to go work in one of the most amazing, top crime labs. James thinks I'm good enough and if I'm honest I'm still not sure but that's my own insecurities coming through. I mean I'm going to be working with people who can do things I can't and who are already working together and I have to try and fit in and find my way round the lab and work out how to use new equipment and pray I don't break it because some of it is hundreds of thousands of dollars..."

"Lindsay, stop," interrupted her father gently. "Stop panicking. You didn't know the people at the lab in Bozeman when you started there and yet you got to know them by spending time with them. You even dated one of them."

"Yes. Thank you for bringing that up. I won't be making the same mistake again I can assure you."

"Lindsay, when you meet the person you are destined to marry you will meet them, whether when out and about or at work. Now I don't like the idea of you marrying and consummating that marriage is a whole issue I am going to pretend will never happen, but I do believe you will meet someone you will spend the rest of your life with. The only thing I hope is you will remain a virgin, although I'm presuming I have no hopes on that being true, and I also hope you would never consummate the marriage but your mother wants grandchildren and so I guess it's likely you will have to.." he drifted off trying to find a way to phrase the next part of his sentence without embarrassing him or his daughter any more. As it turned out, he was too late.

"Seriously dad. This is just so wrong talking to you about sex and marriage and consummation of said marriage. Wrong. Please, I'm begging you. Can I keep this kind of conversation between me and mum only? You can go on pretending I'm a virgin from now until the day you die. Deal" she held out her hand hoping her father would agree to her terms.

"Deal," he replied, shaking his daughter's hand, and both of them heaving a very large sigh of relief that this particular part of the conversation was well and truly over. Both of them got lost in their thoughts for a while whilst continuing their lunch.

"Back to my original point," her dad started, "You didn't know what to do when you started in the labs but you learnt. You didn't break anything did you?"

"Hard as it may be to believe dad, but no."

"Bloody hell, girl, could you not have been so responsible with my truck? And the hedge trimmer And the old tractor that you finally killed off."

"Hey!" she shouted indignantly and a little louder than intended, "I didn't kill your tractor. Jake did."

"Yeah I know. I was trying to remember what else of mine you have trashed over the years. To be honest between the four of you I am fairly certain I have replaced most of my equipment due to at least one of you. And we're back to the 'why did I have kids' part of the conversation!" Lindsay laughed. She loved that her dad could start talking about one thing, go down another road altogether and then come back to the original point, usually without being reminded of what he was talking about. Today was no exception.

"Look Linds, James had done nothing but boast about how amazing you are. He told us about three months after you started that you have a gift for the job. He honestly wasn't sure if this was the right career choice for you after the shooting, but you have long since proved everyone wrong. And when someone like James, who plays his cards very close to his chest most of the time, sings your praises, you are doing an amazing job." Dave stopped and reflected upon the pride and joy in James' voice when he would regale Eve and Dave with tales of Lindsay's adventures into the, literally, dirtier side of Bozeman life. Lindsay had always withheld these stories not wanting her parents to have more ammunition to embarrass her with at family gatherings, but James apparently had a different agenda altogether. Of course it could have also been revenge for the times he spent on the sofa after she moaned about him to his wife. Now she knew it was pride mostly, but at the time is felt more like embarrassment and with certain stories, humiliation.

"I never knew he felt like that about me. Not back then, anyway. I mean he's been telling me for the last few months that I am gifted at the job but I never truly believed him. I always thought he might be trying to keep me enthusiastic about the job and eager to work and learn."

"Lindsay, you have never needed anything to help keep you eager to learn and work. Never. Not for anything. James doesn't give out praise unless it is genuine and true. Believe and hold onto that. He told us about eighteen months ago that you were on the verge of outgrowing the lab in Bozeman. He has been telling us constantly, probably to prepare us for your departure from Montana."

"You always knew I was going to leave?" She couldn't help her eyes fill with tears and feel a tinge of rejection at the idea that everyone wanted her gone out of Montana. Did her family and closest friends really want her to be away from them? Did they believe she was a lethal curse? Like half the town after the shooting? Some residents still refused to believe she wasn't the shooter even all these years later. Lindsay couldn't help her thoughts gathering pace and with that the tears started falling. Dave only realised when Lindsay tried to hide the inevitable sniffing that came with crying His fatherly concern kicked in. He found her a tissue, and silently thanked Eve for thinking of everything as always, pulled her into a hug and answered her original question which was inevitably linked with her tears and no doubt the hundreds of questions that were flying round her brain. If there was one thing about his daughter that Dave knew, was that she was self-reflective and at times this could be self-destructive. He then cursed the shooter for destroying his daughter's previous carefree nature that had turned into cancer of sorts that ate at her self-esteem and self-belief, courtesy of rumours and spite.

Dave held onto her daughter, letting her shed her tears without embarrassment or shame. "Lindsay, none of us want you to go. Not me, mum, your brothers or James and Sarah. We all love you more than you will ever know. We have seen the outcomes of violence and each of us dread you getting caught up in some big, inner city violent crime spree..."

"Dad, I was caught in a violent shooting spree of a maniac who more than likely was just passing through town. In fact, the diner wasn't even in the centre of town. Violence is everywhere, it's as much a part of human nature as love and hope and hurt. You can't escape it anywhere. You should know that by now. I mean if it can happen in the 44th state in the population stakes it can happen anywhere!"

"44th state ion the population states?"

"Internet and James. That man is a wealth of Montanan knowledge. Seriously. You'd think he works for the Montanan tourism board."

I know and I do. We all do. I mean he could sell the state to the natives if he tried!" he said. "But it doesn't mean I want you approximately 1882 miles away from me."

Lindsay, having finally stopped crying and wiped her nose and tears away, looked up at her dad and raised her eyebrow questioning his knowledge of the distance between her old and new home.

"I got it from the internet, and that's just an approximate mileage from Bozeman to Manhattan, apparently as the crow flies."

"Dad! You know about the internet! I'm impressed and very proud of you!"

"Sarcasm isn't becoming of you young lady."

"But it's fun!"

"And I can still make your life a misery between now and when you go. So, can I go back to what I was saying?" he asked cheekily. Lindsay nodded her head enthusiastically, trying to get her cheek across non-verbally. It didn't work. "Sarcasm includes actions as well as words, so behave! Or it will be the barn for you!"

"I love you too dad."

"Linds, if I'm honest I want to keep you here, to keep you safe and near. Not to miss out on more than your life than I have to. When you go to New York I won't be there if you need me, I won't be able to rescue or help you. We won't see you as much and who am I going to use as cheap" Lindsay cleared her throat in protest, "OK, OK, free labour? But Lindsay, James is right, you _need_ to leave Montana" emphasising the word 'need'.

"Need?" asked Lindsay, confused by the use of this word. Want she could understand, but need? Need she didn't get. She certainly didn't think she needed to leave Montana.

"Yes honey, need. James has told us repeatedly that you have outgrown the lab. He has been telling us for ages that you need bigger and better challenges. Maybe you'll come back here someday, to raise a family or retire. Maybe even just to holiday annually. But Montana is too small for you."

"That quite ironic really when you consider it's the fourth largest state."

"That is true, and also ironic considering your size too!"

"Hey! Leave my height out it. It's not my fault I'm petite."

"Who knows where your height gene came from? There was obviously a faulty one floating round."

"Well it was either you or mum."

"I'm going with your mum as she's not here."

"I could tell her when we get home."

"Then you'll be out in the barn. And I mean the barn that's barely standing and needs a new roof."

"Then it will be our little secret."

"Good girl. I knew you would make the right decision." In all honestly no one knew why Lindsay had never grown as tall as everyone else in her family. Even her mum was taller than her by a good four inches. It had its advantages being short, like escaping from overbearing family and friends without being seen, but then there were times where she just wanted to take out the knee caps of her family so they wouldn't hold things out of her reach or throw them over her head knowing there was no way she would catch them.

"Lindsay, I love you. More than you know. I don't want you to go. But as your mum pointed out to me I have to let you go. We have to let you do this because if we don't you will resent us for holding onto you and not letting you live your life. And we love you far too much to do that to you. We gave wings to Jake and Tony and we are giving you your wings too. We don't have the right to clip them and I will tell you this now and whenever you need to hear it, but you are always welcome home. If you need us to we will travel to New York to bring you home, but somehow deep down within me, in that place where I like to put things I pretend don't or won't happen..,"

"Like my sex life?" asked Lindsay enjoying her dad's embarrassment and squirming at her statement.

"I thought we'd agreed you have and will never have a sex life? So please do not start that up again? Or I will tell you that you mum and I have had sex more than four times!"

"Game, set and match to you, daddy."

"Thank you and as I was saying, I have somehow always known that you would never stay here. More importantly this will never be your home again. It will always be a part of you as will we. Once you settle in New York I'm sure you will be there for life."

"How do you know?"

"Because work wise it will give you the challenge and excitement you need. You will do amazing things. But possibly more importantly, you will finally be able to put to rest the ghosts that have, to a degree controlled your life and behaviours. You will never forget what happened. Nor will we for that matter, but Lindsay, it is about time you really allowed yourself to let go and move on with your life. You are allowed to be happy and succeed and love. The girls wouldn't resent you for that. In fact, Kelly would be the ringleader in your going away party and shouting it from the rooftops if she were here!"

Lindsay laughed at her dad's accurate statement. She knew he was right. She knew that she had been holding on tightly to their memory. There were times when Lindsay wished she could just let go, be free and live but then she would see someone, hear something or remember spending time with her friends as she passed a place or looked at a picture. Then the guilt would wash over her again and she believed she couldn't live because it wasn't fair that she was alive whilst her friends were long since dead and buried. Lindsay knew she had been tied there so tightly, and it was as if the knot had been slowly loosening over the years and it was only now that she was ready, able and free to move further away. She just didn't know if she had the strength or energy, as the leaving date neared a little too rapidly.

"Lindsay, the other thing is I know that you have been checking to find the owner of the fingerprints. It is not and has never been your role to find the shooter. It is James' job. He was there at the beginning and will be there until it is complete. It is not your responsibility and has never been. You need to let it go. You need to let it go so you can be free."

Lindsay felt something hit the top of her arm. It took her a few moments to realise her dad was crying. Dave wasn't an emotional man but he was here, giving his daughter permission to let go of her ghosts from the past and to move onto her future. Even if it was 1882 miles or so away. And she finally understood just how much he and no doubt her mum had been holding onto the same ghosts as her and how hard it was for him to watch her leave and not return probably for many months. With that realisation Lindsay let her tears fall too, and father and daughter held onto each other and let go of the past, in order for them to look forward to the future.

Once they had both finished crying father and daughter sat in a comfortable silence enjoying each other's company. As usual Eve had prepared a feast of a packed lunch and they ate until they couldn't eat any more. At least not until tea time or they returned home, whichever was first. Dave broke the silence.

"Tiny, where in the hell do you put all that food? Seriously, you should be the size of a house with what you eat! And I'm pretty sure you ate more than me today!"

"Hey! Stop picking on me. Anyway, I've been hard at work and I think I've deserved my lunch. I need all the calories and energy to keep up with all the work you had me doing. You do know I should be charging you for all this!"

"Excuse me, I should charge you for my truck."

"I paid for that!"

"OK then the hedge trimmer."

"I'm pretty sure I've worked and paid for everything I damaged or used as a child. I haven't lived here for the last few years so I haven't had the chance to damage anything, and" she stopped her rant briefly to take a breath, "and it's my last week in Montana for goodness knows how long and you have me working and to be honest dad, I really could do with the money. Otherwise I'll starve when I'm in New York and then you'll be sorry."

"I'm guessing this is the big problem that had you sulking this morning."

"I wasn't sulking. I'm worried dad. I've been looking at prices of rooms and apartments. The money from the sale of my apartment here, along with the money I have saved up over the last couple of years isn't going to get me much at all. Then I have utilities, food, gas, cell phone, maintenance of my truck, clothes..."

"OK you need to stop this right now. You will make yourself sick with worry. Let's pack up here and get home and have this conversation with your mum. She is the one who knows all about running a house better than me and she will have some ideas for you." With that he stood up and started tidying away everything they had used whilst braiding and all the new lassos and ropes they had prepared. Meanwhile Lindsay collected all the leftover food, crockery and cups and put the bag in the truck. She returned back to the barn and almost walked straight into her dad. They looked at each other and Dave reached out to hold his daughter in a loving father daughter embrace. They stood their together for several minutes before making their way back to the truck. Dave drove back to the house and they enjoyed the music coming softly from the radio. As they arrived back at the house Dave turned off the engine and turned to face his youngest child.

"Lindsay, you know I am so very proud of you and even though I honestly don't want you to go I will support you in whatever you do. Although I won't be able to get to you quickly or easily, I will do whatever I can to help. If you need us there in an emergency me and your mum will be on a plane straight away." Lindsay raised an eyebrow at this last remark. Her dad wasn't known for taking time off and especially not flying which he had done only once in his life to visit Jake and Tony in Seattle for a weekend. He had hated the entire journey and whilst Eve returned by plane, he had rented a car and driven the entire way home. Yet, here he was telling her that he would fly to be with her if she needed him. The tears came flowing forth. Again. She leaned over the centre console and kissed her dad on the cheek, and said quietly, "Thank you daddy," before she slipped out of the truck and made her way to the house. Dave sat in the truck filled with love, pride, joy, hope and a little bit of dread, which got bigger the closed they got to the day Lindsay was due to leave. He took a minute to compose himself and then left the truck, grabbing their bags, before making his way to Eve, who was now stood on the porch just outside the kitchen door.

"Hey baby. You OK?" asked Eve. She could tell by his face and by the many conversations they had had over the last few weeks that he was feeling the loss of his baby girl already. She has also guessed by her brief conversation with Lindsay, and the smile that now graced her face, that he had told her he was letting her go. She walked over to meet Dave and put her arms round him, tiptoeing up to reach his ear, and whispered, "You did good honey. I'm so proud of you telling Lindsay to go, because I know just how hard that is for you." She stepped back to look at his face, her hand gently caressing his cheek. Even after many years of marriage and four children they still loved and adored each other. They knew when each other hurt or was angry or happy but most importantly they both knew they would get through their daughter leaving the state because they had each other.

"I might need some extra hugs or love when she goes. Maybe before she goes too?" asked Dave, trying to keep his voice even.

"I think I can do that for you. And we've got the webcam and phone so we can talk to her and see her regularly."

"Maybe we should plan to visit her. You know, just to see where she will be living and the neighbourhood and..."

"And make sure that your baby girl is safe. OK I can go with that. But no building towers or cages. She is a big girl and has she has proven on more than one occasion, tough and more than capable of taking down grown man. If you need a reminder phone Jake this evening. He should know because he was the one who got in trouble with her most!"

"I suppose I could take her out for some extra target practice before she goes?" asked Dave looking down at his wife who was giving him a questioning look. "If it's OK with you and Lindsay of course!"

"I suppose you can ask her, although you do know she isn't so keen on taking one of your guns with her."

Dave put his arm round Eve's shoulders and they started walking back to the house. "She might not want to take one of my guns, although I shall see if I can work on that, however, she will have her work gun and I want to know myself that she is an excellent shot."

"And her excellent marks and her last target practice mean nothing whatsoever?"

"Nope! Not a thing because I wasn't there!" The two of them laughed as they entered the kitchen, the mood lightening a little and Dave had to admit he was feeling a little less stressed about Lindsay going. But only a little. And there was no way he would admit that to Eve, mostly because she already knew. Or Lindsay. Although he knew that Eve knew, after all she was some kind of evil genius when it came to understanding him. And in all honesty, he wouldn't change a single thing.

**And lastly, as usual, a big hug & thank you to Brina. I couldn't do this without you girl! Thank goodness I have someone to keep me on the straight and narrow and shove me in the right direction when needed! As Lindsay would say - "You rock" ;)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Thank you to everyone who read & reviewed the last chapter. Replies are coming ;)**

**I still own nothing except my dvds. although I don't own season 6 yet because I have no money. that sucks big time :(**

Sometime later Lindsay and her parents were all sat in the lounge, enjoying tea and some of Eve's homemade carrot cake.

"Mum, do you think you could ship me a carrot cake weekly, please?"

"Pardon?" asked Eve, a little surprised at this unexpected and unusual request.

"Well, if I'm honest I am really going to miss your homemade cakes and I doubt there will be anywhere in Manhattan or Tarrytown for that matter that will have anything as light and delicious as this."

"That's all you're going to miss?" asked her mum.

"No, but when I eat one of your cakes I'll be getting lots of love and hugs all stirred up in a slice of deliciousness."

"Suck up!" added her dad.

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Children!" interrupted her mum. "By the way you are a suck up but I will let you off as you are my only daughter. If you are good and call us at least twice a week for the first three months, until we know you are settled and then weekly for another six months and then at least fortnightly after that then and only then you will get a cake ONCE a month."

"Your terms and conditions are harsh and I do believe this is bribery!" said Lindsay a little indignantly.

"Yes but mothers..."

"And fathers!" interrupted Dave not wanting to be left out of this conversation.

"OK and fathers, but mostly mothers' are allowed to bribe their children."

"Where does it say that?"

Her dad answered. "In the parent contract you get when your children are born. Unfortunately only the parents can and will ever see it so don't ask."

"If you take us to court we will make sure our lawyer is a parent and the judge too, because they will all know and support our claim so you can never disprove it" added Eve.

"Until I become a parent?" asked Lindsay.

"No!" said Dave a little more firmly than he meant to. "We agreed you are never having sex and therefore that means no children? Although I will let you adopt. But no sex. Ever!"

"Dave!"

"Eve!"

"Mum! Dad! What are we talking about now? And please let it be anything but my sex life because this is so wrong in every language" said Lindsay, her cheeks now bright red and felt as though they were heating the entire room on their own. Sex and parents did not mix. Ever. Well, nearly ever but she wasn't going to discuss that right now because she figured there would be a conversation about that coming up with her mum about sex and contraception again in the next week. As she considered this revelation, her cheeks became even redder and were now about to heat up the whole house rather than the one room.

"OK Lindsay, we'll get back onto topic. Now seriously, why are you worrying about the cost of living? You are good with money and more than capable of looking after yourself, so where is the problem?"

"Mum I was good here because the cost of living is lower. It does make a difference because I have been able to buy what I want when I want. I have no idea how it will be there. Even the basics cost more. I was telling dad I'm not going to be able to afford to buy an apartment outright, well not in Manhattan anyway. If I can ever afford one there."

"So," interrupted her mum, "Why not live elsewhere. You will still be in New York and you will be working in Manhattan so it's not as though you won't get to experience it."

"Or why not stay with Freddy for a while? He will put you up for as long as you need."

"Dad, I know I can and I know I can get to work by train easily or even by road, although if I get called in at an ungodly hour, I don't think my new bosses would like having to wait for me to get in. I mean it's not like here in Montana where you expect a long wait in some of the areas we've had crimes. Let's face it out here there is space and a lot of it and it is in comparison empty space. Manhattan on the other hand is a small area and very crowded most of the time. It apparently can take forever to get anywhere, so I really need to be as close to work as possible. Plus, as much as I love your brother daddy, he's even more nuts than you and I don't think I can take that for too long without turning into a bitter old woman with 500 cats and who never leaves the house. And we all know I'm waiting for the two of you to drop down dead so I can inherit the ranch and rule my brothers from here to eternity!"

"I love you too honey" said her mum sarcastically.

Her dad on the other hand decided to pick up on the really important stuff first. "Linds you have always ruled your brothers. I am sure if you told them to venture up into the mountains to make friends with the bears they would have done, just to prove you wrong. Secondly, I will concede defeat on the Freddy thing. He always was the strangest one of the lot of us!"

Eve gave him that look which said 'are you serious?'

"What?" he asked his wife, "I said strangest I never admitted I wasn't strange but marrying you and putting up with our four lunatic children, and especially a daughter would be enough to turn any man strange."

"It's supposed to be turn anyone gay daddy!" said Lindsay just wanting to rile up her dad even more. Eve burst out laughing and Lindsay joined in, whilst Dave did his best impression of a goldfish whilst trying to come up with a suitable answer for her remark. Apparently none was forthcoming.

"I do not do men and that is wrong thinking of me that way!" he said, knowing it really was a pathetic comeback.

Eve however tried to make him feel better though. She shuffled up closer to him on the sofa and between giving him kisses on the jaw line, she whispered in his ear, so Lindsay couldn't hear her. "Baby, I know you are a one woman man and if you are a good boy I will let you prove it to me later!" Dave's eyes widened at his wife's words and Lindsay was unfortunate enough to see his response. Unfortunate because she quickly realised the gist what her mum was saying.

"Mum! There's a child in this room! Dad we agreed, you and mum only had sex four times and that was it. So please, stop this now or I'll be in therapy for the rest of my life and I'm not sure Dr Walker will be able to help me with this trauma!"

Eve and Dave looked at her surprised and amused at the same time. It was the first time she had been able to joke about her therapy sessions and they could only see that it was a good thing and a huge step forwards for their daughter. Maybe, just maybe she really would be OK in New York.

"Lindsay," her dad said, restarting his last speech, "I know you don't want to be with Freddy forever and I don't blame you, the week he spends here each summer is long enough, but use the time to find the right place, OK? Don't take the first apartment you see because you want to be in Manhattan. Find a good place, safe, secure and preferably not in a dodgy area. If it takes you two to three months then that's OK. It will give you time to find your way round the city and work out where the best diners, shops, routes to work etc are. Then there is finding time to do some of the things you want to do whilst you are there."

"That reminds me," interrupted Eve, "the son of someone Freddy works with wants to take you to the opera."

"Mum! I don't want or need dates! Especially with someone I don't know. Not that I'm interested but which opera?"

"'Don Giovanni' which the Metropolitan Opera Company are performing, somewhere in Manhattan. Freddy knew you wanted to go and see an opera, who knows why because it is a load of people wailing and usually in any language but English, but back to the point. His friend was talking about it and they organised for you and this friend's son to go see it. If it makes you feel any better the son is gay. His partner hates opera and he apparently is overjoyed to have someone to go with him. Is that better?"

"Much. Apart from the fact he is gay, I mean I could have got lucky!"

"Lindsay! Remember the virgin rule and please stick to it or I shall start seducing your mum right here, right now, in front of you."

"You are an evil man father. I'm sure some of our criminals could learn a thing or two from you."

"Well, maybe if their parents had done the embarrassing sex conversations at regular intervals they too would have kept their children in line, just like me and your mother." Said Dave feeling quite smug with himself. For a minute anyway, until Eve spoke.

"Honey, before you puff up your chest feathers and brag to all the other daddies round here when you are out tonight, need I remind you of some of the antics our children actually got up to? And how many of those antics were legal dear husband?"

"You couldn't let me have my moment?" Dave said a little indignantly. "Just for one minute. How could you woman?"

"Just pointing out the truth. And we all know that as soon as you have a beer in you tonight you'll be bragging about your children and especially Lindsay to anyone within a fifty foot radius. So you will have your moment and half the men of Gallatin Country will hate you for a day for boring them."

"I doubt that mum," said Lindsay, "they will all be bragging about their children too. That's why it's a men only club because no one with any brains, and by that I mean women, would want to go in and listen to them going all caveman. I mean let's face it, if you walked in before closing time and before dad is incapable of walking unaided, you just might get clubbed over the head, dragged back to some hole and, well, we have all agreed that part of the conversation is never to be spoken of again."

"Eve, we have raised a smart ass."

"That we have honey. God help the criminals of New York because I doubt they will like a tiny, country girl putting them straight."

"Better her than me though!" said Dave, a smile on his face. Eve and Lindsay both looked at him. "What? I'm a coward we all know that. Get over it. Who knows where she got her courage from as it isn't my side of the family?"

Eve and Dave both laughed. Lindsay looked at them both before standing. She walked over to where they were sat on the sofa and kissed them both on the cheek. "I got my courage from both of you. If it wasn't for you I would never have made it past the shooting. You both gave me the strength and the courage to move on then. You're also both giving me the strength and courage to move on now." Lindsay moved towards the door. As she reached it she stopped and turned to face her parents.

"You remember Britney Fox?"

"The bitch who made your life a living hell in high school?"

"Dave!"

"What? It's true!"

"Actually, I think the truth is she was one of the bitches..."

"Yes, the main one!" said Dave triumphantly.

"Yes!" said Lindsay loudly, getting her parents attention again. "Back to the story. Did you know she went to LA to try and become an actress? Her parents disowned her for leaving. They wanted her to stay here in Montana and become a rancher's wife. She obviously didn't. She was also incredibly disillusioned by the belief that she had acting talent!" Her parents had to laugh at this remark, especially as they knew it was true. "Anyway, she came back to Montana three years ago, having failed big time and with a string of debt round her neck."

"How did you know this?"

"She was out at the rodeo when we had that death there a couple of years ago. She was a 'friend' of the guy who died and I was the unlucky one who got to question her. I've hated coin tosses ever since. Anyway, she somehow felt that given our history and with her being the 'victim' in all this meant that we were 'friends' and so I got her life story. I had the misfortune of running into her last week when I was out with work on my leaving meal. She told me I wouldn't make it and I will be back within a year. Then I got the 'update' on her life." Her parents couldn't help but laugh every time Lindsay used her fingers as quotations marks when needed. "The thing is that unless she marries her dad's new ranch hand she won't be welcome back into the family. The other big problem is she married a drunk whilst she was in LA and she has to get divorced before she even thinks of marrying him. Her parents still don't know about that. You and dad are amazingly cool about all this considering how hard we all know it is for you both. I couldn't do this without your support, advice and love, even though we know you would prefer I stayed here. But you are being just as strong and courageous letting me go and I love you more than I can say for that."

"Where are you off to Linds?" asked her mum.

"I'm going to do some more research and find more about the areas I'm interested in. You're right, I need to know more before I decide and maybe staying with Uncle Freddy won't be too bad. At least he's family and I know how nuts he is! Who knows who else I might end up sharing an apartment with!" and with that she left the room, picked up her laptop from the kitchen table where she had left it earlier that morning and went up to her bedroom. When she finally arrived in New York she would only have three days to get her bearings and so maybe she needed to make the most of this time doing as much research as she possibly could.

It was the next day and Lindsay had, for some unknown reason, woken early. She was wide awake within five minutes of becoming aware of the world and was not amused by this early start. She grabbed her phone and looked at the screen. It was 3am. That really sucked. Even her parents weren't up quite this early. She lay in bed deciding what to do and then it came to her. She had to say goodbye to the girls. It was something she had been putting off since she had found out about the job. She knew that it was the one thing that had torn her in two about leaving because no matter what anyone told her, she always felt as though she was betraying her friends by having a life. She felt her betrayal even more now she was planning to leave them behind in Montana. Having made her decision about what to do, she rolled out of bed and went to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

After having her dragged her shower out for as long as humanly possible without turning into a prune and then getting dressed as slowly as possible, it was just after 4am. Lindsay made her way downstairs as quietly as possible, which in a house with very creaky stairs was nigh on impossible. Her parents had always been thankful for the fact that virtually every stair creaked but the children being as resourceful as they were, had found a way to go up and down them with minimal of noise, which was always very useful after a late arrival home or if they needed to sneak out when they had been grounded. It had apparently never occurred to Lindsay or her brothers that her parents stayed awake until they returned home every time, so they could have just walked up the stairs normally. But no, they always went with the sneaking. And they always got caught. As she reached the bottom of the stairs and having successfully negotiated the stairs and avoided the very noisy ones, not an easy task when your legs were shorter than everyone else in the family, she heard her mum's hushed voice.

"Lindsay? Linds? You OK?"

"I'm fine mum, just up early. Go back to bed," she whispered in return and turned towards the kitchen. Lindsay should have remembered that her mum would totally ignore her as before she could turn the kettle on her mum came strolling purposefully through the door and took over the making of the morning tea. Lindsay knew she wouldn't win that fight so she relented and walked over to the table and sat down folding her arms on the table and resting her head on her hands like a pillow.

"What do you want for breakfast honey? Toast? Cereals? Bacon, egg, sausage?" Eve asked busying herself round the kitchen. Eve looked at the clock and saw that she would be getting up in thirty minutes anyway and so she decided to make the most of the early start and prepared as much as she could for the day ahead. She got as much as she could ready for Dave and Pete's breakfast, both of them preferring a full cooked breakfast to start their heavy day on the ranch. Then she prepared the sandwiches for lunch and got the boys lunches all packed and flasks ready for their coffee. By the time she was starting to prepare the vegetables for the evening meal Lindsay raised her head and finally responded.

"I think I would like a bacon sandwich, if the offer is still on the table mum?"

"About time too, I wasn't expecting you to respond until sometime this evening. I might join you if that's OK and you can tell me about your plans for the day." Lindsay put her head in her hands and groaned she really didn't want to talk about this just yet but now there was no way out.

Ten minutes later mother and daughter were sat eating their breakfast in a comfortable silence.

"I'm off to the cemetery in a bit. I might be out for a while. Would you mind if I took some food and a flask of coffee with me?"

"Of course not. I don't want you to starve or die of thirst. You should have said whilst I was making the boys lunch or at least preparing dinner. As soon as I'm finished here I'll get something together for you."

"I'm capable of making my own lunch."

"I know you are. But don't they say someone else's sandwiches always taste better?" Lindsay shrugged her shoulders and gave a slight nod of her head in agreement and her mum did put a good lunch together. "Instead of the food you can do the dishes for me?" although her mum had added and sounded the last part as a question, Lindsay knew it wasn't negotiable, but in all fairness, her mum's lunches were worth washing and drying a few dishes. Lindsay knew that her mum would prepare a feast worth enough food for at least three people and three days.

"OK. You could have asked me to do the dishes before now."

"Nah, this way was more fun!" Eve put her sandwich down and looked at her daughter. "You off to say goodbye to the girls?"

"Yes. I've been putting it off for so long and I really want and need to go, it's just so hard. I can't help but still feel as though I am deserting them. I know I'm not but..." she hesitated not knowing how to explain how she felt. The tears started building up in her eyes quickly. Eve reached out her hand and took hold of Lindsay's.

"Lindsay, what happened to them, to you, was a huge life changing and life defining moment for you. It ended their lives and changed yours in ways none of us would have imagined. They left you long ago. I don't mean that in a blasé way, but they did. You are the one who is holding on sometimes it seems as if you are holding onto it with your very life, and honey, it's time for you to let go. I know you are wondering if you can do it or even should do it, but it is time. It's long overdue actually, but the thing is you need to let go and move on with your life. If they knew that you were staying here just for them they would be kicking your butt and screaming at you to do what you and Kelly predicted you would be doing. You always said science maybe 'crime fighting' and Kelly always said you'd be off to New York. She would be so proud of you knowing that you are about to fulfil a dream and make a mark on the world. What was it she always said when you got closer to your goals?"

"One step closer to world domination!" the two women said at the same time. They sat laughing. Kelly had a vision of the four of them conquering the world, in different fields, but they would have still had world domination - together.

"You need to show the girls that even though they didn't achieve their dreams, that they couldn't achieve their dreams that you have. They will be looking down on you as you leave Montana with pride and love." A single tear fell down Lindsay's cheek. She never knew how her mum knew the exact words to say to her at the right time. But Eve did. Always. That said, it never took away the questions that were always floating around in Lindsay's mind.

"Mum, I can't help but feel I've let them down. The killer is still out there and who knows is he will ever be found. The likelihood is he is living a carefree life somewhere and not wondering about the four girls whose lives he ended. The chances are he hasn't given that day a single thought since he walked out of the diner or maybe he boasts to every criminal or idiot he meets. Who knows, he could even be dead! Either way it is probably so different to me and my life. There are still days when I look around to make sure I can't see him, especially when I go out at night or even dusk. Sometimes I just need to close my eyes and I'm back in the diner. I can see, touch, feel and taste everything from that day. Then I wake and feel as though I've gone back nine years. Until that day I know he is locked up or definitely dead I will always have this thing hanging over me and there is no escape from it. I know you and daddy and the boys lived it with me, but mummy, you can, if you want to, go on sometimes and pretend it didn't happen. I can't because more often than not at least three or four times a day something happens that reminds me of it and I feel myself regressing. It could be a shadow or seeing someone who looks like him, a noise or smell. It is such a battle sometimes to stay moving forwards and I don't know if I truly am ready to let go. Will I ever be? I don't want to take this with me to New York but what if I do?"

"Lindsay, sadly you will take it with you. It is a part of you, like being a country girl, the only daughter and sister, this is so engrained within you and your memories like your DNA even. You need to learn to stop fighting to leave it behind and accept it as a horrific moment of your life. It changed you as a person. You can't leave it behind and you shouldn't leave it behind."

"So what you're saying is I should take the suffering with me and the nightmares and panic attacks?"

"No, they are going to come with you no matter what. You can't stop that and you can't avoid it. Maybe if you stop fighting it they will lessen? I don't know. But what you need to take out of this is how it has changed you into a much better version of yourself. You were amazing and resilient before but now... Now you are smart. Smarter than before, You worked so hard to build a career to help others who have experienced a crime, no matter how horrific or how trivial. You are a beautiful person inside and out and it is as though all the positive parts of you were enhanced afterwards. You have worked so, so hard to survive. I am so proud of you and more than you can ever know or understand. Now you get to shine somewhere else. And when you go there the new people you will be working with won't see your past. They will see your strength, your determination, your joy and childlike inquisitiveness, your light."

Eve paused to let her words sink in. She knew that Lindsay still struggled with believing she was a good person that somehow she was responsible for the shooting but Eve praised her constantly, knowing it was what her daughter needed. It wasn't about fishing for compliments or having people sing her praises, it was about holding her confidence up for her. Especially on those days when Lindsay felt the walls come crashing in. Those days she needed her mum, dad, brothers and friends to be her foundations and stop her falling into the abyss. Eve hated that the actions of a selfish man had fundamentally changed her daughter's confidence in herself, but both Eve and Dave had agreed long ago that they would hold their daughter up for as long as she needed them to. If it was until the end of life, then so be it. Lindsay was worth nothing less than their complete and utter devotion and love. Even if it was more at the sidelines than it used to be.

A couple of minutes later and Eve started to talk again opening the box of another topic she knew Lindsay was trying to avoid at all costs.

"I need to ask and what you need to consider is what are you going to tell your new colleagues? Are you going to let them get to know just the bits you want them to know and believe you are or will you let them know your complete self? Before you say they are the same, they aren't. Maybe the girls will be able to help you out with the answer to that one?"

Lindsay let out a heavy sigh, cursing herself for not considering that her mum would bring this topic up. Why she had to ask before 5am was just wrong. And cruel. Still it was too late to jump out of the escape hatch now. She had to enter the dragons den. Complete with live dragon. And her mum. "What do you think I should do mummy?"

"I think you go to New York and let them know you. All of you. When is the right time to tell new people? I don't honestly know. Maybe it will be a case of trust in yourself. You'll know when it's the right time. But don't hold back and stop yourself living. You have nothing to be ashamed of nor should you be ashamed of your reactions to specific situations. By telling them they will be able to understand and support you better when you need it."

"Don't you mean they will judge me or try to protect me from certain situations and stop me doing my job?"

"Maybe if that's the best thing to do sometimes. But maybe, just maybe they will just be able to understand you, who you react and what you need at the end of a long and tough day. You are entitled to love and support from your colleagues as much as the other victims, families and friends you will be working for. Don't ever forget that baby." Eve moved round in front of Lindsay and took her face in her hands. "You are loved, you are valued and you are important. No one is above you. If you can't get what you need at work or in what will be your amazing social life, then you have a phone or webcam your dad has got for you as a leaving gift!"

The two women laughed, and then Eve gently kissed her daughter, before whispering in her ear, so quietly Lindsay wasn't sure she had actually heard it correctly. "I love you baby and no one but no one had made me more proud than you ever." Eve kissed Lindsay again, stood up and went around the kitchen making Lindsay's lunch and coffee for her. After a few minutes she spoke again, "Linds, how you getting up to the cemetery?"

"Truck today I think. It's Mrs Parker's birthday and I am fairly certain that she will be up at the cemetery at some point. I want to be able to make a quick getaway if I can. I really don't think I can cope with any screaming today. I just want to go and spend some time with them."

"Why don't you go get them some flowers from the garden?"

"You sure?" If there was one thing Lindsay and her brothers knew from early childhood was that you didn't touch mum's flower garden.

Ever.

Not if you wanted to continue living anyway.

"Linds, if I wasn't sure, I wouldn't have said so. Go give them some colour and beauty. There is plenty of pink for Kelly and Rose and for Amanda a wealth of yellow and green! Be generous with your flowers. They will only die here otherwise."

"Thanks mum. And I love you too." Lindsay stood up, kissed her mum and grabbed her lunch and keys for the truck, before making her way round to the flower garden. Lindsay stood secateurs in her hands trying to decide what to pick and suddenly her mum was there, taking the secateurs out of her hands and then cutting various flowers and passing them to her, telling Lindsay who each flower was for. By the time Eve had finished Lindsay's arms were overflowing with colour and scent and she could barely see over them.

"OK, I guess I went a little overboard here!" said Eve, giggling.

"You think mum!" said Lindsay, giggling too because she was fairly certain she looked a right sight at the moment and she was certain that one wrong step and she would be in the mud.

They divided the flowers up and walked to the truck. Eve helped Lindsay sort the flowers out for the three girls and stopped to hug her mum, before getting in the truck and starting the drive up to the cemetery. By now it was a little after 5am. She had heard her dad getting up and starting the day and daylight was fighting its way through the night, as she left the ranch, driving up towards the main road. Many people hated cemeteries at night or early morning even, but for Lindsay it meant that she could be there undisturbed and do what she needed to.

As she drove she found herself remembering the first time she had visited the cemetery after the funerals. It was nine months after the shooting and her birthday. One that was definitely not on her top ten list nor one to remember, yet here she was about to relive it, gripping the steering wheel tightly and trying to keep her focus on the road.

**And lastly, my usual thank you to Brina for listening to my moaning about this story, encouraging me and reading page after page after page of waffle. Thanks girly! *Ginormous hugs* to ya!**


	10. Chapter 10

**_Hello again. thank you to everyone who read & reviewed the last chapter. sorry i haven't replied, I blame work & tiredness but I will be in touch soon :)_**

**_I still own nothing. Not even season 6 :( _**

_Soon after she decided that she should try and live outside her home, some nine months after the shooting, it was Lindsay__'__s birthday. Since Lindsay was four years old she had always celebrated her birthday with the three same girls. Other friends had come and gone, but the four friends were always there for each other. They laughed, played, bought some of the silliest, funniest and most sentimental presents each treasured. And this year, for the first time in twelve years, Lindsay would be alone. She dreaded the day arriving and as it got closer and closer her mood darkened and instead of the progress she had been making with her life, Lindsay seemed to be regressing. Dr Walker had suspected this would happened and warned the family, but living with it was something totally different. It was hard and they all felt as though the shooting had just happened again and that there were eggshells everywhere throughout the Monroe house, making everyone's life more difficult than it had been. It was as though they were reliving the nightmare that had claimed Lindsay__'__s life as much as it had her friends and Sarah, the waitress. Worse still, there wasn__'__t a single thing they could do to change it. Except wait for the bomb to drop. And that moment was getting closer and closer. _

_Rapidly. _

_The rest of the family had been discussing what to do to help Lindsay celebrate her birthday for the past three days, with no answer to that dilemma. The day had arrived and no one had any idea what to do or how to celebrate. Could they celebrate even? They had spent the last forty minutes trying to resolve this dilemma still when Lindsay walked into the kitchen to find her family eating breakfast. Cards and presents lay on the table waiting for their recipient but Lindsay didn__'__t appear to have seen them. What she said next floored them into a stunned silence._

"_I want to go and see the girls. It__'__s my birthday. By that I mean go to the cemetery. Can someone take me please?__"_

_Lindsay stood looking at her parents and brothers each of whom were looking at her, mouths hanging open and every one of them trying to work out the __'__right__'__ thing to say._

"_Don__'__t look at me like that. I__'__m not crazy. I have always spent my birthdays with my friends and I want to do it this year.__"__ Her voice had started to get louder and louder as anger coursed through her veins. __"__If none of you are going to be able to take me there I__'__ll get there myself!__"__ And Lindsay turned and fled upstairs to her bedroom, slamming the door shaking the adjacent open doors on the first floor of the house. She slid the lock across, effectively keeping anyone out and turned on her music. Loud. The tears built up in her eyes before spilling down over her cheek. She wiped them away forcefully, the anger still within her and needing to find a way out of her before she did something she would regret. For the first time since she lost her friends, Lindsay knew what to do. She knew her family wouldn__'__t approve but she was too angry to care. She switched off the radio, stormed down the stairs and out of the house to the stables. Her family were still sat in the kitchen trying to work out what had happened when she went storming past them again. _

_Lindsay ran to the stables and found her horse __'__Aragon__'__. She had read __'__Lord of the Rings__'__ and fallen in love with Aragon and his devotion to the journey he took. She had fallen in love with her horse Aragon at first sight and he with her. They had a devotion for one another and he always knew how to cheer her up and make her feel better. Lindsay had neglected him in the early days after the shooting. She was grateful that her dad and brothers took over his care and exercise for her. She had had a major panic attack that landed her in hospital and then as she started her therapy, she found herself spending more and more time with Aragon. She would spend hours grooming him and talking to him, telling him everything that had happened and why she had deserted him over the last few months. As her confidence grew she ventured out into the exercise ring. She would walk, trot and run round the field, but that was as far as she went. She knew Aragon was restless but at the back of her mind was the knowledge that the shooter could be there, waiting for her to come out into the open again. Today was different though. Lindsay was angry. She hurt from the inside out. She had to get away from everything and see the girls. She gently stroked his nose before putting the saddle on, as quickly and efficiently as ever. She jumped on Aragon and was off, encouraging him to run as fast as he could, throwing caution to the wind and needing to get to her destination immediately. _

_It was some ten or fifteen minutes later that the rest of Lindsay__'__s family realised she wasn__'__t returning back into the house anytime soon. The family had presumed she was off walking round the ranch venting her anger on anything that was in the way of her feet. The mood suddenly grew quite sombre as their worry and fear for Lindsay__'__s safety took over their thoughts. The quiet of the room was broken by the scraping of Dave__'__s chair along the hardwood floor, earning him the briefest of dirty looks from Eve. He turned on his heel immediately and was out of the door before anyone could speak. Dave strode purposefully over to the stables. He remembered that in the past when Lindsay had fallen out with her friends or her mum and even him, not that it happened much but they did argue occasionally, that Lindsay would go and take Aragon out for a run. He also knew that she would think nothing of galloping over their vast land and out to the local woods or fields owned by neighbouring farmers until she had calmed down. But after her outburst in the kitchen he honestly didn__'__t know what she would do. All of them could see the anger bursting out of her. It had been a long time coming and Dr Walker had warned them it would happen sooner rather than later. No one had predicted that her birthday would be the straw that broke the camel__'__s back, even though Lindsay would later claim in hindsight that it was all logical. Dave could only feel fear deep within him because he couldn__'__t trust the decisions Lindsay might make whilst she was so emotionally charged. _

_As Dave neared the stable he started to shake, not enough to be noticed but enough for him to feel. He could feel the nervousness rising within him and as he saw the empty stall in the stable, his heart sank. The bile rose in his throat as he thought about where his daughter could be. The ranch covered a considerable area of land, never mind the surrounding lands she knew so well and she could be anywhere. Even with four of them driving or riding round the land it would be almost impossible to find Lindsay. There were too many dark corners good for hiding, which the children had used to their advantage on more than one occasion when they were younger. Dave fought back the tears of concern and turned running back to the house. He ran in, ignoring the __'__shoes off__'__ rule before entering the kitchen. Four pairs of eyes immediately turned to face him._

"_She__'__s gone!__"_

_Jake stood, the same fear he had experienced when he found his sister unconscious on this same floor, after her panic attack, filling him in seconds. __"__What do you mean she gone?__"__ he practically whispered, as if he was afraid of the reply he knew was coming. _

"_She__'__s out. On Aragon.__"__ Answered his father, still trying to catch his breath and wondering when he had become so old and unfit. _

"_Oh God!__"__ came a strangled response from the far end of the table. The four men knew it was Eve, but it sounded so unlike her. _

"_What do we do? Where do we go? __Shall I go out on my horse?__"__ rambled Tony. He may have been sixteen and determined to be a man and grown up, but at this instant he sounded like a five year old, needing reassurances and direct answers to help him put into order what was happening right now. _

_Dave sat on his chair and took his time looking at each of his sons__'__ faces before catching his wife__'__s eyes. __"__No. We are not going to do anything without taking a minute to thing this through. We need to know what each other is going to do and where we will be. Otherwise,__"__ he paused gaining the courage to carry on, __"__otherwise we will end up missing places and we might miss Lindsay. She__'__s reacting purely on instinct and emotion right now. Dr Walker said this would happen to her. But anger means you can lose your way and lose track of reality because you act purely on instinct. Good or bad. We need to make sure that what we do next is right for Lindsay. So, any suggestions where she might go? Did she ever tell you where she went before? When she was mad?__"_

_The air was thick with worry and fear. Each knew that it was easy for Lindsay to have misjudged a jump and fallen off or been thrown from her horse. There was no way she would have stopped to use gates if she didn__'__t have to. Lindsay could ride. They all could. They had been round horses since they were born, but it was also possible that Lindsay was trying to push her luck and get her horse to do things he didn__'__t want to do. It was how she was. Trying to run before she could walk. And encourage her horse to jump before she could trot. _

"_It could be anywhere. You know Linds, she would never stay in the same place and always managed to find somewhere we didn__'__t know about. I__'__m surprised she was ever found when we played __'__hide and seek__'"__ said Peter, a smile lighting his face as he thought about the resourcefulness his sister displayed. _

_His brothers agreed with him and Jake found himself wondering down memory lane. Her brothers loved spending time with her so much because she was trying to do things she hadn__'__t done before, usually to keep up with them. Of course the fact that they were bigger than her, older than her, stronger than her was irrelevant. Never did Lindsay let this hold her back. She had beaten them in a fight on more than one occasion - not that her brothers would ever admit to it. At least not to outsiders although all the family knew. Lindsay had always made sure of that. They could always dare or suggest something to her, knowing she would do it just to prove them wrong. It was why she had spent six summers with at least one limb in a plaster cast or banaged up after spending time with her brothers. It never put her off though. Instead she became more determined to try again as soon as she could __–__ usually she waited until the cast had been removed, but not always. One summer she had a cast changed ten times after repeated attempts to climb and move from one tree to another using not the most stable of branches. She fell eleven times attempting this feat. The first she broke her arm. __"__Not a problem__"__ she said. As soon as the cast was dried and signed, she returned to the two trees with her three brothers. It took some effort to climb up with one arm being out of action, but she did it. She almost panicked, until she could hear her brothers egging her on and calling her a coward for not moving. So she started moving, gingerly at first then gaining more confidence as she found a rhythm and a method of moving with one arm immobilised. Then she got to the same point where she had slipped a week earlier. Yet again she fell. A loud crack was heard as the cast split, along with a whole bunch of expletives Peter, Jake and Tony didn__'__t think Lindsay knew. They took her back to the house, knowing their parents wouldn__'__t be happy and punishments lay ahead. But ignoring Lindsay__'__s predicament would be even worse. It was always better in the long term to face the parents sooner rather than later. _

_Another trip to the hospital, a new cast, new signatures and Lindsay tried again, and again, and again. Each failure only spurred her on to get it right and walk across the next time. Eve had tried negotiating with Lindsay saying she could try again once the cast was off. It fell on deaf ears. Dave threatened to build a fortified wall around Lindsay__'__s room. Again. She said she would dig her way out. Or escape when she had to go to the bathroom. Or when she had to go to the hospital for a check up. Dave gave up. His daughter was resourceful and smart. He couldn__'__t decide if it was a blessing or a curse and prayed to God that if she ever had children they would test her as much as she tested him and Eve. Then he realised what he was asking and cursed himself for seeing his baby girl grown up and having babies. That would mean boyfriends and that one thing he never, ever wanted to imagine his daughter doing. She was pure and innocent and he decided to change his prayer and ask that she would remain that way as she grew up. Even though he knew it was hopeless. Thank goodness he had an arsenal of shotguns. Yep, he would keep any potential boyfriends in line that way. So Dave told Eve to give up because his baby girl was going to keep going until she made it across __'__those damn trees.__'__ So, her parents relented, her brothers encouraged her and on the eleventh try she made it. The joy lit up her face and as soon as she had managed to complete her task, she went back into the house and curled up on the sofa in the lounge and read. Her parents were glad of a quiet, studious week before the start of school. Lindsay felt proud of herself and quite smug. Proving her brothers wrong was quite possibly the best hobby in the world. _

_Jake brought himself out of his memory and back to the present. The conversation had been carrying on around him, suggestions being given as to where Lindsay might be. Then it hit him. _

_Hard. _

"_She__'__s going to see the girls.__"_

"_What?__"__ asked Peter, thrown by Jake__'__s sudden involvement in this conversation. _

"_Look, she said she wanted to see the girls. To go to the cemetery. Do you really think she will change her mind because none of us said anything or wanted her to go? That__'__s where she will be.__"__ Jake found himself getting louder and louder and stood up quickly, the chair legs scraping along the floor. _

"_Jake,__"__ came the warning from his mother, impressed by his deduction of where Lindsay would be found and yet ready to throttle him if her floor was marked. _

_Jake held his breath and closed his eyes saying a quick prayer that the floor was OK. He looked down and breathed a very loud sigh of relief. It wasn__'__t that his mum was obsessed with the floor, but it had only been re-laid a few months previous and he knew his mum wasn__'__t yet ready to accept that it wouldn__'__t be pristine always. So until that day came, they had to be extra careful. All of the men within the house, Dave included, hoped that someone would just dent the floor first, just a little bit, because then Eve would be more relaxed about people using it._

"_For the record I__'__m going with whoever is driving. And you can__'__t talk me out of it.__"__ Said Jake, his stubbornness equal to Lindsay__'__s. Dave and Eve looked at each other having a silent conversation between themselves by eye contact only. _

_Dave stood, considerably more careful with the movement of his chair, __"__Your mum and I are going. I will bring Aragon back when we__'__re ready to leave. A walk back will help him cool down after what I am sure was a race to the cemetery. We__'__ll work out who talks to Linds first when we get there. I think we need to wait and see how she acts before we move. You boys, can you hold the fort here please? We__'__ll be back soon. __"_

_Peter and Tony nodded, wishing they could go with their parents, but agreeing with them. Now wasn__'__t the time for arguments. It was time for Dave, Eve and Jake to leave. Eve grabbed some blankets and a drink and biscuits for Lindsay. She hadn__'__t eaten breakfast and didn__'__t know if should would be needing food and drink when they got there. The trio said goodbye to the two boys before setting towards Eve__'__s car, which would be much more comfortable on the journey home. _

_Lindsay had been on automatic pilot as soon as she sat on Aragon. She couldn__'__t tell anyone how she got to the cemetery, which way she travelled, or how long it took. She didn__'__t remember talking to her horse. It was as if he knew where she had to be. Lindsay and her friends had all been taught to ride by her dad. He had done it out of love for his daughter and keeping her happy. That meant having her friends be able to ride a horse with her, so maybe when they grew up they could go off riding together. Now, on her fifteenth birthday, alone, Aragon had picked up that his rider needed to be somewhere special with her friends. The girls who had spent hours with him too, grooming him, stroking him, occasionally riding him, and of course giving him treats, carrots and sugar cubes. Dave had always said animals knew when their owners were hurting and they knew instinctively what their owners needed. Aragon was proving her dad right. _

_As she saw the cemetery in her sight, Lindsay found her vision becoming blurry as her eyes filled with tears. She hadn__'__t been to the cemetery since she witnessed the coffins of her friends being lowered into the ground. It had been hard watching those wooden boxes disappear into the earth because it really meant they were gone. It was real. Lindsay didn__'__t cry still numbed from the shock of what had happened. She saw each of the mothers, whom she knew almost as well as her own mother fall apart as their daughter__'__s were taken to be reclaimed by the earth. She knew she hugged each of them, and the fathers, and Amanda__'__s brother. But everything else was a blank. She didn__'__t remember the church services. She didn__'__t remember the graveside services. She remembered the grief. Everyone else's grief. It overpowered everything but she knew she didn__'__t cry. She remembered a conversation she overheard a week or so later after the funerals. Her mum had rung Kelly__'__s mum to see how she was. The girls were best friends and with that their parents were close friends too. They had all spent time together throughout the years. Until the shooting tore them apart, just as it had their daughters. _

_Lindsay remembered standing in the hall on her way to get a drink from the kitchen. She heard her mother__'__s raised voice as she spoke on the phone. __"__She didn__'__t cry because she__'__s in shock. Not because she was happy to see her friend dead. Lindsay doesn__'__t speak or eat or sleep. Every day she relives it over and over again. And I wished she could cry because she needs to let her grief out but Barbara, she can__'__t. It__'__s as if once she starts she's afraid it won__'__t stop.__"__ There was a pause in the conversation, Lindsay presumed Kelly__'__s mum was speaking. __"__You think what? She__'__s happy to see Kelly and the girls dead? That she planned the whole thing? Or whatever the latest rumour is going round?__"__ Another pause, and a sniffle from her mum. __"__I lost my Lindsay that day as sure as you lost Kelly. She may be here physically but she__'__s not the same. She__'__s haunted by what she witnessed and you don__'__t get over that in a week or two. So sure as you are grieving so are we. We are grieving for the loss of our girl but we are also grieving for Kelly, Amanda, Rose, even Sarah. We knew and loved the girls as we do Lindsay. So don__'__t ever tell me that I don__'__t know how you feel. I do but unlike you I am witnessing my daughter slowly come apart in her living hell. We are living with this every minute of every day. I know you are angry. I know you are lost without your daughter but DO NOT blame my daughter. This is the fault of some selfish fucking bastard who decided it would be fun to walk into a diner and kill four innocent people for what? To get his rocks off? To sit by and watch us fall apart and feel that our life is not worth living?__"__ Lindsay listened to her mother__'__s voice getting louder and louder and suddenly she dropped her glass, watching as it shattered into a thousand pieces in slow motion. Eve__'__s head spun round and saw her daughter glued to her spot, her eyes torn between looking at the glass on the floor and her mum. Eve knew she had heard the conversation. __"__Barbara, I have to go my daughter needs me. I am sorry to say this but I won__'__t be calling you anytime soon. You will all be in my prayers but I cannot speak to someone who now thinks that an innocent young girl, whose friendship with your daughter that was so entwined in our family life and our daughter was with you, did this unspeakable crime. I know you are grieving but even you know somewhere deep down inside that you are wrong. Goodbye.__"_

_Eve had spent hours trying to reassure Lindsay after this incident but to no avail. Lindsay__'__s grief, guilt, pain, suffering was all increased and she retreated even further within herself trying to protect her mum, dad and brothers from being associated with her and her pain. As the memory passed Lindsay realised she had arrived at the cemetery. She jumped off Aragon and walked slowly to the area in te cemetery where the girls lay together She found a bench to tie her horse to, not wanting him to step on the resting places of the dead. Then, taking a deep breath she turned and walked down the row to where she knew her friends were waiting for her. They had been buried side by side. Together in life, together in death. But as she finally reached her destination Lindsay could only feel that she was on the outside of some exclusive club her friends had created. She had shed tears before this day. She had ranted and hit things. She had been silent and withdrawn. But when it came down to it she still hadn__'__t properly grieved. As she knelt down on the ground, touching the stone that indicated where Kelly lay, the floodgates opened and finally Lindsay allowed herself to begin to grieve. _

_Lindsay had no idea how long she spent lying on each of her friends__'__ graves in turn crying. She didn__'__t know that her parents and Jake had arrived and were sat watching from a safe distance. Eve and Jake had wanted to run and hold Lindsay, helping her through the pain. Dave stopped them. __"__Let her be. Just for a while. She needs to do this alone and we need to let her. We want her to get better to be able to move on. And that means we sit here while she does what she needs to. She will clam up if she knows we are here and who knows when she will let go of the pain again.__"__ His eyes didn__'__t leave his baby girl and the pain in his gut told him to run to her and hold her tightly, protecting her from the world. But his head, and Dr Walker, had told them that they had been doing that for many, many months now. Now Lindsay needed to do this part of her journey alone. She had no choice but to go it alone. So they all sat, watched and waited. _

_After this batch of tears had ended Lindsay felt drained and exhausted, yet an eerie sense of calm came over her. But as quickly as the grief came out, it was suddenly closed up again. The calm was gone too. Then came the anger. Suddenly Lindsay stood up and started screaming and shouting at her friends. __"__Why did you leave me? Why didn__'__t you run? You could have told him where I was! I would then be with you! I have no one because you left me! I hate you! I fucking hate you and I hurt. I hurt so much and I have no one to share it with. It was always you guys. I told you everything. I__'__m alone. You left me alone! I don__'__t want to be alone anymore! I want to be with you. I miss you__"__ The screams were interspersed with tears and rage that exploded out of Lindsay. She found herself hitting and kicking the gravestones, as if to emphasise her point, as though her friends were stood before her right then. She raged on and on, finally letting go of some of the things she had held onto so tightly since the shooting. Dave, Eve and Jake could hear and see Lindsay__'__s grief and anger and although they had already guessed how she felt, to hear their daughter and sister say she wanted and almost needed to be dead was hard. Eve found the tears flow freely down her face, Jake and Dave soon joined her and there was no shame in their car. _

_By the tree near where Aragon was tied up, there was a fourth person watching the scene unfold in front of her. Barbara, Kelly__'__s mum, visited Kelly__'__s grave at least twice a week. She hadn__'__t spoken to any of the Monroe's since that last telephone conversation with Eve. She stood transfixed as Lindsay lay on the floor, crying and telling her friends how much she missed them. Barbara let herself smile, as she remembered watching her daughter play with her friends. Kelly loved her friends from the bottom of her heart and gave everything to all she did. The house was always full of love and laughter when Kelly, Lindsay, Amanda and Rose were together. Barbara allowed the memories to flow through her and for the first time since her daughter died she felt a brief moment of happiness. The truth was she missed the Monroe__'__s. They had spent so much of their lives with them before their lives were shattered. She missed Eve and wanted her friendship back. Barbara knew that Lindsay was an innocent victim in what happened. She knew that it much be hard for her losing her __'__lifelines__'__ as the girls would refer to each other. Yet she still couldn__'__t quite muster up the courage to apologise to Eve and Lindsay. So, for now, she stood silently watching as a teenage girl fell apart. Then it changed and Barbara watched as the anger started._

_Seeing Lindsay lying on the grave trying to find comfort was one thing. Barbara could understand, she had done it herself more than once. But hitting the stone, stamping on the ground and cursing at her dead baby was something else altogether. And then she snapped. She ran across from the tree to where Lindsay was still ranting and raving about __'__how tough it was being alive__' as Barbara would later call it to anyone who would listen__. Barbara felt her rage increase further and as she neared Lindsay she started screaming. __"__You ungrateful little bitch whining about how tough it is being alive! I wish my Kelly was here because she would so happy to be here. She wouldn__'__t be pathetically moaning about how tough it is to live. She wouldn__'__t be holed up hiding behind her parents. She would be living. Glad to be alive not like you. You always were moaning and whining about how tough your life is. You have no idea what tough is you little cow!__"__ The end of her rant was punctuated with a slap across Lindsay__'__s face as she stood stunned by Barbara__'__s sudden appearance. Barbara grabbed Lindsay by the arms and continued her rant, __"__what the fuck are you complaining about? You don__'__t know grief. Wait till you lose a child, then you can say you know what grief is.__"__ She stopped to shake Lindsay as hard as she could. _

_The three Monroe's had sat watching Lindsay__'__s breakdown and making sure she was keeping herself safe, when a blur of blue came in from the left, Immediately she started screaming at Lindsay and hurling abuse at her, with Lindsay stood stunned and glued to the spot. They too were sat in their car stunned until Barbara slapped Lindsay. In less than a second they were all on the way out of the car, running over to Lindsay, who still glued to the same place. Barbara had managed to grab hold of Lindsay and was shaking her, so hard so her head was wobbling with the force exerted by Kelly__'__s mum. Eve ran behind Lindsay to try and steady her and take her in her arms. It took both Jake and Dave to release the grip Barbara had on Lindsay. One thing for sure was that Lindsay would have bruises on her arms tomorrow. Barbara meanwhile, refused to stop screaming and shouting. _

"_You call yourself Kelly__'__s friend. And her best friend at that. You__'__ve never been here once. Never! What was your attendance at the funerals a token gesture to try and stop people thinking it was you? You selfish bitch always thinking of yourself!__"_

_Eve let go of Lindsay, which caused Lindsay to stumble. Jake let go of Barbara and rushed to his sister, who still hadn__'__t said a word since Barbara appeared in front of her. _

_Eve on the other hand had well and truly found her voice. __"__HOW DARE YOU!__"__ she screamed at Barbara. "Lindsay was the least selfish of the four. She was the peacemaker. She was the one who made sure everyone was ok. She was the one who gave in to what your precious daughter wanted to do.__"_

_Barbara opened her mouth to scream back a reply, but Eve got in their first. __"__Has is never occurred to you how other people have felt about what happened? You haven__'__t even spoken to Rose or Amanda__'__s parents since it happened. Like mother like daughter, always thinking of yourselves! No, you stop and listen to me for once, this shooting affected us all. Each and every one of us. The difference between our outcomes is her." Eve pointed at the gravestone and continued shouting. "Your daughter is dead. You are living and coming to terms with the loss of your only child. But us? We are in a living nightmare. We never know what will happen from one day to the next. We can__'__t prepare for the future because we don__'__t know what it will be. You think Lindsay is living? We wish she was but she isn__'__t. She__'__s trying to get through minute after minute. Her life is restricted to our home. You know why she hasn__'__t come here? It took her six months to be able to go out on the ranch without the fear of believing that the shooter was waiting for her to kill her to not overtake her. Look at her. LOOK AT HER! She__'__s not the same Lindsay you knew. She__'__s lost weight, look at the circles under her eyes, she still can only sleep for a maximum of three hours without waking. On the bad days she still tries to stay awake even when she is exhausted because she knows as soon as she closes her eyes the nightmares will begin. You don__'__t have that and you should be bloody thankful for that because it__'__s hard. Do you know that she came here today because it__'__s her birthday and she wanted to spend it with the three people she has spent every other birthday with since she was four? But do you know we didn__'__t know where she had gone? Do you know what it feels like to not know where your child is? To not know if they are hurt? I__'__m not taking away the pain you feel because I know how it feels to lose a child but don__'__t take away our pain either. And especially not Lindsay's. We hurt as much as you, some days more because we have to watch our daughter relive the shooting over and over again. Be thankful Barbara that you don__'__t have to deal with that because I can tell you it__'__s hard and it hurts. Worse still we have lost your friendship because you are so tied up in your own world. Amanda and Rose__'__s parents have lost you too. Do you know how much they miss you? I can count on one hand the times Dave and I have been out since this happened. I know for a fact that you and Max go out at least once a week. I wish I could do that but right now, right now I need to be with my daughter helping her through this tough time. The thing is I also needed you, because you were my friend and you know what it is like to be the parent of a child who has gone through something so horrific. And all you__'__ve done is put us down, telling us that our feelings and experiences are less valid than yours just because Lindsay is still here. Well that stops now because if you don__'__t I will start to play dirty too because I__'__m pissed off and have had enough of your selfishness. When you__'__re done being selfish call Lindsay. You owe her an apology.__"_

_Eve__'__s voice had softened through her speech but became firm at the end. The Monroe's had spent their time trying to rebuild their lives and support Lindsay, as best they could. From her contact with Amanda and Rose__'__s parents and via her sons Eve was aware of the rumours and gossip that had been spread throughout town, some of which they knew had come from Barbara via a third or fourth party. Barbara should have used her brain and not done much of the gossiping in the Rowe__'__s restaurant. She really didn__'__t comprehend the loyalty of the employees to their employers. Or know that everything they said would be reported back to the people who needed to know. Normally Ann and Jeff would have barred such customers from their restaurant but they wanted to keep an eye on what was being said. Furthermore, their continuing friendship with the Monroe__'__s and the knowledge that they had been __'__held prisoner__'__ to the ranch for much of the past months, because of their dedication to the recovery of Lindsay, they wanted them to be prepared for those few times they did venture into town. Especially since Lindsay started leaving home and had started rejoining __'__real life__'__ again. Unlike the Parker__'__s, the Rowe__'__s were loyal to their friends and determined to help as much as they could, even though they were still learning to cope with their own grief. _

_Up until now Dave, Eve and their sons had tried to protect Lindsay from as much of the cruel gossip which had inevitably started spreading over time, especially with the killer still at large. Unfortunately it seemed that they couldn__'__t stop the ranting of a grieving woman, even when that person was once someone who had been regarded as a member of their family. Yet Lindsay still stood in the same spot, transfixed by what was going on before her, trying to make sense of what had just happened. The she suddenly moved, walking to Barbara and stood inches away from her. She looked up at her and could see all the grief and pain she felt and had hidden deep inside every day. Lindsay put her arms around Barbara and said the words Barbara was still bitter she hadn__'__t been capable of saying at the funeral, __"__I__'__m sorry.__"__ She moved back slightly and kissed Barbara__'__s cheek, and prepared herself to go to Aragon. Quite unexpectedly the viciousness that had died down within Barbara returned. _

"_You little ungrateful bitch wouldn__'__t know the meaning of sorry if your life depended upon it. My Kelly was too good for you.__"_

_Lindsay found herself being pushed to the ground, Barbara making the most of not being held back by Dave. He managed to grab her arms to stop any further attack, only for Barbara to kick Lindsay as she lay on the floor. Followed by the harshest words ever spoken, __"__you should have been the one to die. Maybe you should do us all a favour and kill yourself. Then we__'__ll know the killer isn__'__t free anymore.__"_

_Dave, Eve and Jake found themselves stunned by this statement. No one had thought Barbara would have turned into this angry, bitter and twisted woman, even taking into account the effects of grief upon a person. Lindsay lay on the floor, her eyes filling up with a fresh wave of tears. Then just as quick as the viciousness appeared it disappeared. Shock appeared on Barbara__'__s face, and she whispered, so quietly that the words were almost missed __"__Oh God, what have I done?__"__ With that she turned and ran from the cemetery, tears falling round her face, guilt overflowing and missing the arms of her friend offering her the only comfort she wanted to receive at that time, yet she had openly refused it. _

_Lindsay was the first to move. She got up and walked over to Aragon, who had stood by watching the drama unfold. She stood and relished the feel of his nose under her hand and she spoke softly to him, reassuring him that she was ok. Before her parents or Jake could say anything, she spoke first, as she untied him and then climbed up into the saddle. __"__I__'__m going for a ride before I come home. I__'__ll be there before tea. I just need to clear my head for a bit. Don__'__t worry; I__'__m not going to do anything stupid. If I was I would have done it long before now, believe me.__"__ And just like that she guided Aragon to make her way out of the cemetery too. _

_In what felt like the blink of an eye Lindsay was gone, riding gently back over the fields towards the ranch. Jake walked to the external wall of the cemetery and watched as his sister walked towards the horizon. She stopped briefly to turn and wave at him, knowing he would watch her ride away, and then she turned back and carried on her journey. He turned to face his parents. _

"_She__'__s OK. I__'__m guessing she__'__ll be back by four. Let__'__s go home because the others will be worrying.__"__ With that Jake walked back towards the car and sat in the back seat, waiting for his parents to join him. _

_Eve and Dave just looked at each other trying to work out what had happened in the last few minutes. Dave broke the silence, a grin on his face, __"__I know our kids are amazing. This proves it.__"_

_Eve nodded her head slowly, before replying. __"__I agree, but I can__'__t help but wonder how this will affect her in the future. How do you cope with someone screaming all those things at you. How can you not wonder if you should be dead?__"_

"_I think she__'__s been doing that all these months and I think she__'__ll be doing it for some time yet. Like you said, we are living her nightmare with her every day. But each day she__'__s doing something new and each step she takes will take her one step towards closure. It__'__s going to take time. And love. And honey, we__'__ve got both of those things in abundance.__"_

"_I hope you__'__re right, no, I do know you're right. But I know, and I don__'__t know how I know but I do, this will have done something to her that she will try to keep inside and the only thing we can do is hope and pray it won__'__t eat her up.__"_

"_Then that__'__s what we__'__ll do.__"__ With that Dave wrapped his arms around his wife and they stood by the graves of Lindsay__'__s past comforting each other, until the horn on the car was sounded. _

_Jake stuck his head out of the window and shouted, __"__Come on, we__'__ve got a birthday celebration to get organised! And only six hours to get ready!__"_

_Dave and Eve looked at each, smiled and walked back to the car hand in hand. If anyone knew what Lindsay would do it was Jake. He was right, they had to get home to let their youngest child know they were glad she was alive and they all needed to let her know just how much she was loved and wanted. _

**_As usual huge hugs to Brina for reading, rereading and nagging me to post this chapter for well over a week. see I listen to you. eventually ;D Thanks girly for everything!_**


	11. Chapter 11

**_I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter. Sorry for the delay in posting this one. _**

**_Disclaimer: I still own nothing, except my dvd's and now I own season 6 so I am very happy :D _**

_Lindsay loved the freedom of riding. She loved to feel the elements on her skin, wind, rain, sun, even snow. She found it calming, riding through the Montanan landscape. As she rode after leaving the cemetery she could feel the stress leaving her body. The truth was she wasn__'__t angry at what Barbara had said. Little did her family know that she had thought those things over and over again ever since that day in the diner. Just after the shooting she would ask God for one thing, and that was for him to take her. She said she found it too hard to live and she was alone. Lindsay knew it was still hard to live some days and suicide seemed like a viable option. But then she would think of her family, her mum, her dad, even her brothers and she knew that if she died they might never recover. She didn__'__t have a plan on where she was going to, but Aragon seemed to know, heading towards the woods at the northern end of the Monroe land. There was a creek where Aragon could drink from and Lindsay could sit on the rock with her feet in the water. It was a great place to sit and think and she was grateful for the stubbornness of her horse not wanting to go elsewhere. She slipped of her horse, removed her socks and shoes and found her usual seat. Aragon took a drink of water, before wandering around until he found a shaded area. Then he stood waiting patiently for his owner to be ready to return back home. Normally she would have been surrounded by her friends, but although they weren__'__t with her physically, for the first time since the shooting she felt as though they were with her. It felt good and peace spread into her heart. _

_The quiet of the creek was filled with the sounds of nature. Lindsay lay back on the rock and listened to the water trickling over the rocks and felt it on her feet, cool and refreshing. She listened to the birds and insects busily going round their daily routine and for the first time in a very long time Lindsay felt happy. She knew it would be fleeting and that the anger and darkness would be back all too soon, but right at that moment it felt good and she was able to close her eyes and let the good memories of times spent with her friends wash over her, as the water washed over her feet. Lindsay allowed herself to remember birthdays past, smiling and laughing at the memories. Tears fell from her eyes, but they were tears of joy combined with only a few tears of sadness. She didn__'__t know how long she lay there before she finally allowed the day__'__s activities go through her mind. So far she had managed to keep them at bay but as the replay of her final birthday spent with her friends finished, she couldn__'__t help but think about this birthday. It was so different from all those that had gone before and would be different from those ahead of her. One of the hardest parts was knowing that no one would know what it was like to go through, unless they had gone through it themselves, which is why she was relishing her time alone. Time needed to put it all into perspective. Or at least attempt to put it into perspective. If she ever would be able to. _

_Today at the cemetery she saw that Barbara was barely holding on. Lindsay couldn__'__t understand how Barbara thought she was coping. Didn__'__t she know that Lindsay had been a virtual recluse in her own home for most of the last nine months? Didn__'__t it occur to her that Lindsay was the one who was there as it happened? Lindsay was the one who watched the life blood run out of her friend__'__s lifeless bodies. Lindsay was the one who heard the shots fired over and over and over and over again. She couldn__'__t escape what had happened. Ever. And she could feel that it had changed her so deep inside. She knew that she wasn__'__t the same carefree person she once was. Nor would she ever be again. She was a different Lindsay to the one she was born and she hated that life had scarred her so badly. And so young. _

_And she was lonely. _

_So, so lonely. _

_Lindsay knew her parents and brothers had given up much of their own lives to try and help her. Especially her mum. She had heard her mum talking to her dad a few days previous and cried as her mum said __that looking after her__ was like looking after a newborn baby again, especially with the constant night disturbances. Lindsay knew her mum was tired__. S__he could see it in her face. But she couldn__'__t help the nightmares. Could she? No, Dr Walker had told her they could happen until she had come to terms with this more but how could she help her mum? Lindsay couldn__'__t think about what to do because the only thing she was sure of was that she needed her mum when she woke. Maybe she could try and not shout out or call her mum? Could she do it on her own? Maybe that would make her a better and stronger person? Lindsay found herself trying to rationalise all the thoughts and ideas she was coming up with, no matter how illogical they actually were. _

_She talked to her parents and her brothers but it wasn__'__t the same as talking to her friends. She couldn__'__t be that silly fourteen, well now fifteen year old girl. She had grown up in a way that was beyond belief. Her childhood had ended the moment she heard that first shot. She wanted her friends with her. She wanted to be able to go to school again, talk about boys, make up and clothes, even though she wasn__'__t really interested in them. But Kelly and Rose were. They kept up to date with trends and were the __'__hip__'__ ones of their group. Lindsay and Amanda were the good studious types who in return for style and dating tips helped their friends with their homework and tests. In some ways Kelly and Rose were polar opposites to Lindsay and Amanda and they shouldn__'__t have worked as friends. Yet they had stayed together for years, other friends being allowed in and out as the__ four girls allowed them to be let in__, but the core group of friends was__ always__ solid. Now Lindsay felt empty and couldn__'__t help but wonder if she would always be lonely. If she would ever have friends again? She wasn__'__t stupid and had heard her brothers talking about school. She knew rumours were going round about her and that people wondered if she was the one who had pulled the trigger. It was __one of the reasons __why she hadn__'__t asked about going back to school and she also wondered if that was why her parents hadn__'__t pushed her into going back to school__, although up until this point in time it had been difficult enough to attend her therapy sessions let alone be alone in a school of hundreds__. _

_As she sat thinking about school it occurred to her that Jake only had a few more weeks of school, before he left for college. Tony was great and she loved spending time with him, but he wouldn__'__t __be there for __her in the same way as Jake. Maybe, just maybe she should go back to school whilst he was still there? On top of that if she wasn__'__t careful no amount of summer school would help her catch up and she would be stranded in the same grade for another year. She laughed as she realised that __c__ould be worse than living with the rumours. Well, she hoped it would. Maybe she needed to talk to Dr Walker about this before talking to her parents? She let out a loud "aagh!" as she tried to clear her head of the myriad of thoughts and questions going round and round in her head. _

_As she lay on the rocks she stretched her arms and la__id__ them back on the rock above her head. She felt pain __or more like an ache __in her upper arms and couldn__'__t work out what had caused the pain. Sitting up she lifted up one of the sleeves of her jumper. _

"_Oh great. Bruises. What in the world did I walk into this time?__"__ she muttered to herself. Then she looked closer and took in the shape of the bruises she realised they were fingerprints from where Kelly__'__s mum had held her arms as she screamed at her. Suddenly the emotions and anger she had been holding in since she left the cemetery came out. She stood up and walked round the creek screaming and shouting, trying to purge herself of the rage that __had been __threatening to take her over again and destabilise her__ for the last few days__. She walked kicking rocks, not noticing that she didn__'__t have her socks or shoes on still. It wasn__'__t until she kicked a particularly large stone that she felt the pain radiating from her toes up towards her ankle. _

"_Oh fucking hell! Why can__'__t I have a good day? Just one good day? What did I do wrong? Why am I being punished?__"__ she screamed, and at that moment the heavens opened, the rain pouring down on her as she looked skywards. And Lindsay just stood and cried, hoping the rain would wash away her pain. _

_One heavy down pour later Lindsay was still stood staring heavenwards. She wondered if it was her friends sending her a sign to stop wallowing, just for today and get her butt home to celebrate what was left of her birthday, which she figured wasn__'__t much, although she had no idea what the time was or how long she had been at the creek. She remembered the time she told them that she liked the rain. There was a heavy downpour outside and she stopped doing her homework to watch the rain come down outside the window. Kelly and Rose looked at her as tho__ugh__ she had gone nuts. Amanda had carried on with her maths homework seemingly oblivious to what was going on around her. She didn__'__t care though; they accepted her for who she was including her little quirks. Kelly and Rose were moaning about the damage to their outfits, makeup and hair that the rain did. Lindsay just tutted and said she was off outside. Lindsay stood in her front yard enjoying the coolness of the rain and letting the frustration of her homework which was not going to be getting completed anytime soon, wash away. Fifteen minutes later she returned into the house, her mum handing her a towel as she walked through the __kitchen__ door. Eve had accepted long ago that Lindsay liked the rain and had made sure that when she saw her daughter heading outside into the rain, there was a towel and spare set of clothes waiting for her waiting for her on the way back in. Lindsay ducked into the laundry room and got dried and changed. As she walked through the kitchen Eve said she was getting food ready for the girls and they had five, and only five, minutes until it would be ready. She made her way to her bedroom. Laughter was coming from the room and she could hear Amanda being picked on and encouraged to do anything but her homework. It was as it should be. She opened the door and for the first time that day Amanda lifted her nose out of the maths textbook and took in the change in her friend__'__s appearance with a look of confusion evident on her face, __"__I went out in the rain.__"__ Amanda shrugged and went back to the books not questioning her friend__'__s behaviour. Kelly and Rose gave her that look of __'__you__'__ve got to be kidding me__'__ when they saw what she was wearing. Apparently old, ripped jeans and a stained t-shirt weren't trendy at all. __Lindsay didn't care. _

_Lindsay suddenly found herself coming back to reality wishing they would be back at the house when she got there, shouting __"__surprise__"__ and giving her questioning looks and sighs. __But she knew t__hey wouldn__'__t be there__ and her hea__r__t ached for them. He__r family would __be at home though __and she knew they __really __wanted to celebrate her birthday. So she climbed up on Aragon and they made their way slowly back to the ranch house. The rain still continued, albeit much lighter than before and with each step that Aragon took she enjoyed the feeling of the rain on her skin and her links with the past that it gave her. _

"_Where is she? Look at the rain! She__'__s going to catch a cold!__"_

"_Mum, what__'__s the panic for? Lindsay loves the rain. Always has done, always will do. And I__'__m still sticking to my theory she came out in wellington boots, ready for the rain to fall," said Jake with a grin on his face. Deciding he was enjoying watching his mother squirm too much to ignore, he decided to continue. "Why is my sister so strange mum?__"_

"_I__'__m not worried about her being in the rain.__" Answered Eve, ignoring her son's stupid, yet oddly amusing questions, although it would be a cold day in hell before he found that out. _

"_Excuse me, you just said she__'__ll catch a cold__"__ added Tony, thankful for a spot to enter this conversation._

"_Oh shut up! And stop picking on me, I__'__m your mum! Have some respect.__"_

"_We do. Anyway picking on your parents and watching them try to worm their way out of tight spots is in the job description of being a child__,__"__s__aid Jake feeling particularly smug at his success of taking his mum__'__s mind off where Lindsay was with annoying her. It was a two-for-one deal and who was he to refuse it?_

"_Yeah, Grandpa Monroe had stories upon stories of dad doing the same to him. And don__'__t get me started on Granny Barker. Apparently you were the worst of the five kids mum__,__"__s__aid Peter from the doorway. _

"_That just means they__'__re supposed to get their own back on me, not you guys.__"_

"_Keeping living in cloud cuckoo land mum. I__'__m guessing the weather is always sunny there are we are well behaved and silent?__"__ added Jake, the grin on his face evident and wider than before, even though Eve wasn__'__t facing her son__ she knew exactly how smug he was looking__. _

_Jake was surprised though when his mum spun round and lightly smacked her son around the head. __"__And that is one of the perks of being a parent!__"__ said Eve, before giving up on window duty and sitting back down at the table. _

"_I didn__'__t think it was legal to smack your kids?__"__ said Jake, still intent on keeping his mum preoccupied and enjoying this more and more as the minutes passed. _

"_Nor is murder but I__'__m fairly certain James would help me out if you keep on annoying me!__"__ retorted Eve, before she caught what she had actually said. __"__Oh, Jake, I__'__m sorry. I didn__'__t mean that. Thank goodness Lindsay wasn__'__t here.__"_

"_Why are you thankful I wasn__'__t here? What did you say or do?__"__ asked a very wet Lindsay, her appearance depicting a drowned rat __almost__ perfectly. _

_Oh, um nothing sis. We were being silly__,__"__c__hirped Jake trying to save his mum at the last minute. _

"_That__'__s OK. I thought for a minute you were referring to having James help kill and dispose of Jake__'__s body. If the need ever arises, I__'__m in!__"__ and Lindsay made her way through the kitchen her socks squelching on the floor with every step. Five sets of eyes focused on her, five mouths hanging open and wondering just what had happened, as well as wondering why __and how __she had just gotten away with walking on the hardwood floor with a pair of very wet socks__, never mind the river that was forming behind her as the water dripped or rather ran off her clothes__. _

_By the time Lindsay had returned downstairs after having a shower and changing her clothes, the rest of her family had just about come round. _

"_Lindsay Monroe, as much as I__'__m glad you__'__re home safe and sound, the next time you leave wet footprints through my house and especially on my kitchen floor there will be hell to pay. OK?__"_

"_Sorry mum. I just didn__'__t see the point of changing them when I was having a shower.__"_

"_Why couldn__'__t you take your socks off?__"__ asked Dave. He had been at the wrath of Eve on more than one occasion for not having the appropriate footwear in the house. So it seemed right to give his baby girl advice to avoid a situation like this happening again. _

_Lindsay sat down after putting her wet clothes in the laundry room. __"__I didn__'__t think about taking off my socks. Maybe I__'__ll remember next time.__"_

_Eve raised her eyebrows at her daughter._

"_What? __I__'__m__ a teenager. You know what it__'__s like, not enough room in your head for the important stuff so that__'__s why it__'__s not a guarantee I__'__ll remember. Plus __if I forget then __you__'__re guaranteed to have something to yell at me about in the future. I know you wo__uld__n__'__t want to miss that opportunity__, would you?__"_

"_You and Jake need to stop spending so much time together,__"__ said Dave._

"_You__'__ve been saying that years dad. Let it go. She loves me too much and I have to pass my gifts onto my sister__, seeing as my brothers were too idiotic for all my wisdom,__"__ answered Jake._

_Dave smirked, ready to pick on his middle son. __"__Yeah, I know she__'__s been hanging out with you, that__'__s why she__'__s been trouble for most of her life!__"_

"_Hey! Don__'__t blame me. What about Peter and Tony? What about the fact that she is a stubborn pain in the butt who can get herself in trouble without my input? It__'__s only about 10% my fault.__"_

"_You keep telling yourself that son.__ Whatever helps you sleep at night.__"_

"_Anyway, I was the one who told you what she would do today and when she would get home. Five to four__ she arrived in this house__. And when did I say she would be back?__"_

"_No one likes a smart ass Jake,__"__ said Peter, __"__trust me, I know!__"_

_The whole family erupted in laughter and Lindsay stopped herself to look round the table. She spent a few seconds looking at each of the members of her family in turn just to make sure she would remember this moment now and forever. Her birthday was nothing like she would have planned herself__,__b__ut it was ending well. She had managed to get out some of her anger and frustration and even her __'__disagreement__'__ with Barbara__, or rather Barbara's rant,__ hadn__'__t totally ruined the day. She had managed to spend__ a little __time with her friends, even though they weren__'__t __physically __with her and now she was sat back at home in a room full of love and laughter. As she sat contemplating the past, present and her future, she began to feel that the darkness which had surrounded her for so long was starting to dissipate. Lindsay didn__'__t know where her future was heading towards but she did see a future at last. What more could she ask for? Well, she__'__d love her friends to be there but as that wasn__'__t possible she would just have to hold them close to her heart. She was pulled from her thoughts by her mother__'__s voice calling her. _

"_Are you OK baby?__"_

"_Oh I__'__m really good mummy. I__'__m sorry for going off earlier, I just needed some time alone, not that I__'__m ungrateful for everything you__'__ve done for me, but it was so good to think and be free even just for a while. I__'__m sure it was the girls who even sent me the rain, telling me it was time to come home.__"_

"_You know something sis, I think you were nearly right. Amanda would have sent the rain. Kelly and Rose would be worrying just in case their wings and halos got wet!__"__ said Jake, hugging Lindsay tight. _

"_Are you sure Amanda would have noticed the change in weather?__"__ asked Peter._

"_Kelly would have instigated it. But you__'__re right. It would have been from a distance, just in case she ended up with frizz or smudged make up!__"__ said Lindsay smiling at the thought of a gesture of love and eternal friendship from her friends. _

_Dave reached over and squeezed Lindsay__'__s hand__.__"__You know pumpkin, we are so proud of you. We know it hasn__'__t been easy for you and we know it will be tough for a while longer, but you... you...__"__ Dave__'__s voice started to crack and he tried desperately to hold onto his tears. __"__You are a survivor. In so many ways and you have so much to give to others. We were so proud of you up at the cemetery. How you didn__'__t retaliate when Barbara attacked, I don__'__t __know,__ but I__'__m glad you didn__'__t. You are so much stronger than you think __you actually are __and __you will__go __far__ in your life__. Just remember that and, if the going ever gets tough, you know where we will all be. Even when you guys move out, you remember that each and every one of us is there for you. You need silence and to be alone, just ask for peace.__"_

_By now Eve, Dave and Lindsay had tears flowing freely down their faces. Peter, Tony and Jake were all trying to be manly and do the subtle wiping of the eyes trick. To no avail of course, but they tried. It was one of those rare moments in time when their manly tears were acceptable and this occasion wouldn't be brought out in the game of humiliating each other in public with tales of embarrassing situations and behaviours. This was a family moment. A family memory. And not for anyone else. _

_Lindsay finally managed to control her tears long enough to start speaking. Her dad had said what he wanted and needed to say. Now it was Lindsay's turn. _

"_I just want to say thank you to you all. I really realised today and __occasionally throughout __the last week just how hard it has been for you all.__"__ She out her hand up to stop anyone else speaking. __Lindsay__ knew that what she had to say she had to do now, whilst she still had the courage and before the anger kicked in again. __"__I__'__m sorry for everything I__'__ve put you through__." Lindsay paused finding the next bit harder so when she started speaking the words came tumbling out almost tripping over each other. "__I__'__m going to try and be better and mummy, I__'__m sorry for waking you up in the night. I__'__ll try to be quieter, so you can sleep, and__..__."_

_Lindsay found herself being silenced by her mum as she gently placed a hand over Lindsay__'__s mouth. __"__Before we get our little celebration done, and before James and Sarah arrive, I am going to tell you something and I will have no problems repeating this hourly until you accept it, OK?__"__ Lindsay nodded, recognising the tone in her mother__'__s voice - __'__don__'__t even bother arguing with me because I will win__'__. __"__There is not, has never been and will never be any issue with you seeking help from me, your dad or your brothers. It__'__s what we do. We support each other, unconditionally. Plain and simple. You need us, just ask. And don__'__t you ever think you have to do this alone. You are not alone. I know we__'__re not the same as having __your __friends, like the girls, but it doesn__'__t mean we will desert you. That won__'__t happen. And as for my sleep, where did you get the idea I minded being woken when you need me?__"_

_Lindsay's voice dropped to a whisper. Eve barely heard her daughter's words, but when she did both Eve and Dave felt a chill in their hearts, along with a heavy dose of guilt __"__I heard you and daddy talking. You said it was like having a newborn baby in the house, because I keep waking and crying in the night.__ And you are tired. I see you yawning all the time and you do look tired mummy.__"_

_Eve and Dave both mentally cursed themselves for not thinking that Lindsay may overhear their conversation. _

"_Linds, I__'__m sorry you heard that, but let me tell you this. Yes it__'__s hard being woken in the night, because I don__'__t always get enough sleep. But not coming to see you would be worse. Finding out you had woken up and had spent the night terrified and alone would be so much worse. I love you, totally, unconditionally and if you need me, you just shout. Any time of day or night. And as for the tire__dness I shall just try to have more__ nap__s__ in the day t__o__ help me catch up. There are ways and means around this and they are not your concern. Your concern is your recovery. __Your future. __No arguments__ ok__?__"_

"_Ok.__"__ Lindsay paused trying to gather the nerves to ask the next question. __"__Mum, can I nap with you?__ I mean together on the sofa or in your bed with you?__"_

_A smile broke out on Eve__'__s face. __"__You can always nap with me baby__"__ and she gently stroked her daughter__'__s cheeks wondering how the tiny baby she held in her arm all those years ago had grown into this beautiful, amazing, sensitive young woman. She couldn__'__t have been more proud than she was at that moment__, not knowing that there would be more and more moments in the future where Eve would think they were the proudest moments__. _

"_Is that the end of the lovey dovey stuff yet? I can hear James and Sarah coming and there__'__s a large cake __with a heavy layer of buttercream __calling me and Linds. The rest of you will have to make do with the biscuits. Sorry__,__"__s__aid Jake cheekily and with a wicked glint in his eye__, and no real sense of apologies in his tone whatsoever__. _

"_Cake sounds good!__"__ said Lindsay who suddenly remembered she hadn't eaten since very early that morning. _

"_You__'__re right trouble. Cake does sound good__"__ said James announcing his presence in the house. The Monroe's had an open door policy with their friends and so James and Sarah walked right into the kitchen. _

"_Happy Birthday Linds.__"__ Said Sarah and James at the same time. _

"_Ok let__'__s find the cake and get this party started!__"__ shouted Jake, already running to the pantry for the cake whi__ch had been calling him all day.__ And just like that Lindsay was able to enjoy the __last few hours of the __day that celebrated her arrival into the Monroe family. She allowed herself to forget for a few hours and revel in the love of her family. _

Lindsay let the memories fade and looked at her watch. She had been sitting in the truck for the past thirty minutes as she let the memory play out from start to finish. She had shed tears as she remembered Mrs Parker's reaction to her. Even now Lindsay could still understand the grief. The difference was she had kept hers in. Mrs Parker had let it out. But when it came down to it both were grieving and angry and hurt at losing a loved friend and daughter. Even now Lindsay could justify her reaction and she still couldn't find it in her to be angry at her. She was hurt. Yes. She had been lonely. Yes. She had been an outcast. Lindsay and Kelly had spent so much time at each other's houses they always joked that they had two mothers. Then in an instant she lost her three best friends and a second mother. And before she could leave the truck to go see her friends, she finally let go of the hurt she had held onto for all the years since the shooting. And she sat and sobbed and sobbed and asked repeatedly, "Why me? What did I do wrong?"

Finally the tears had subsided and Lindsay managed to regain her composure and she finally left the truck. She was lucky because there was an access road relatively close to the girls' graves. It was nearing 6am and the light was finally starting to win over the night. Lindsay went to the back of the truck and gathered the flowers and took them to a patch of grass in front of the graves. She returned back to the truck to get her food, drink and a couple of blankets she always kept there. She walked back to the graves, laid one blanket on the ground and the other on top of it. She sat down and looked at the graves before her, tears filling her eyes again. Lindsay didn't go to the cemetery often. She found the turmoil of emotion that it created within her was far too hard, but there were times when she had to go. They were her birthday, the girls' individual birthdays and the anniversary of the shooting. The only time she normally spent an extended amount of time at their graves was the anniversary. She laughed when she thought of it as an anniversary. Anniversaries were supposed to be happy, a celebration filled with love and joy. Remembering the loss of your three best friends was not happy. Remembering the day your life was destroyed wasn't happy. So why was it called an anniversary? Why couldn't it have a different name? Lindsay was lost in her thoughts about the absurdity of what was an anniversary that she didn't hear the footsteps of someone else approaching.

"Lindsay? Lindsay? Can you hear me?" came a sweet, soft voice.

Lindsay eventually heard the voice calling her, not knowing how many times her name had been spoken. She turned round to see who was there. As she took in the sight of the person in front of her, she stood and felt her heartbeat speed up and harden, as if preparing and protecting itself from an onslaught of hatred and anger. Her face didn't betray what she was feeling inside, but she couldn't manage to speak. It was always the same reaction when the two people came face to face. Instead Lindsay started to move as if to pack up, trying to hold onto her dignity and not panic. The woman in front spoke again.

"Lindsay, please don't go? Please? I need to talk to you."

Lindsay stood frozen as she listened to the words. She stood again taking in the appearance of the woman in front of her. She looked better than when they had last met. Their paths hadn't crossed for several years now. Partially because Lindsay avoided the areas where she frequented and partially because she had worked a lot. Even when Lindsay went to the cemetery she went very early or very late in the day, so to avoid Mrs Parker. Yet today of all days, when Lindsay just wanted to say goodbye to her friends, Barbara Parker, Kelly's mum, apparently chose that day to find her.

**_And as always, a huge thank you to Brina for reading, rereading and nagging me to post this chapter for the past 10 days. See, I do listen to you. Eventually ;) *Big hugs* girly_**


	12. Chapter 12

**Apologies for the very long delay in posting the next chapter, not because I didn't have this chapter written (I have another 200,000 words+ written!) but because I have been debating whether to continue posting. However, it is a new year and here is the next chapter continuing on from the last. **

**Enjoy!**

**I still own nothing except my dvd's and my overactive imagination :)**

The last time Lindsay and Barbara, Kelly's mum, had met was as brutal as the first time after the funerals, although it was more verbally rather than physically that time. Well, only just.

_Lindsay had been at home from college for a week. It was now Friday. Five years since her life and those of her friends and the waitress had been destroyed. Her mum and dad were experiencing their own grief too and were caught up in their memories of that day. They had only talked about their experiences once before and it surprised Lindsay how drastically different they were. Her parents had memories that she didn't seem to possess. She didn't really remember being in the hospital nor travelling back to the house. In fact, most of the first month after the shooting was a blur, a blur that she was, as it turned out, actually pleased about. Sometimes it made remembering and thinking about it harder. Sometimes it made it easier, not having to picture all the things that came afterwards. She was relived because her head was full. Full to bursting and sometimes it hurt. Because she could never stop seeing the sight that lay before her when she left that bathroom. She used to like the colour red. She had always seen it as a bright sunny colour. Now it represented death. Death and suffering._

_Lindsay was looking forward to the weekend. Her brothers, Jake and Tony, were coming back from Seattle and her boyfriend Corey and best friend Lizzie were also coming over on the Sunday. She needed people around her. She needed reassurance and love. But to get to the love first she had to face the insurmountable mountain that lay in front of her. Lindsay wanted to go to bed and wake up tomorrow but she also knew if she didn't go to see her friends then the regret of that would join in all the other negative feelings she had floating round in her body and brain. So with that she got up, dressed and prepared herself for the journey she was about to make. Lindsay went into the kitchen, en route to her truck which was parked just outside the kitchen door. _

"_You off honey?" asked her mum._

"_Yeah. I mean, yes. I don't want to but I have to see them. Does that make sense?"_

"_Hard as it is to believe baby girl, yes," said her dad putting down his paper too look at his daughter. "You want to see, talk to and tell your friends you love them and miss them but with that come the memories. The memories that you like to keep locked up deep within you. It hurts but you are right, you need to do it because you can't only live with the regrets. You need to remember the good times too."_

_Lindsay stood transfixed to her father and taking in his words of wisdom. Then she finally said what she had been holding onto since she had woken up that morning. "But daddy, what do I do if I see her? You know, Kelly's mum? Last time I saw her she told me I didn't deserve to be alive. I don't know if I can cope with that. Not today of all days. I just want to go and be left alone for a while, although I know the likelihood is I will meet at least one set of parents."_

"_Lindsay," said her mum moving behind her and wrapping her arms round her. "You have as much right to be up there as Barbara and if she spews filth at you this is what you do. You will do what you always do. You will hold your head up high and with dignity. You won't get your own back with words or violence and you will turn and walk away, your head still up high. You will drive back here and then, and only then, you will let your emotions out. We are here to hold you whilst you rant, cry, scream or calmly tell us what happened. Now you go and see your friends and tell them that you still think of them, that you miss them every single day and that when you finish college you are planning on working in a crime lab somewhere. OK?"_

"_OK." Lindsay loosened herself from her mother's grip and grabbed the keys for her truck. She stopped at the door and without turning, fearing that the tears she was so desperately trying to hold onto would fall, and said, "I love you both." And just like that she was gone. _

_Lindsay heaved a sigh of relief as she approached the cemetery. There was no one around the girls' graves so she knew that for at least a while she could have a small sense of peace and shut out the rest of the world. She took a deep breath, grabbed some tissues her mum had thoughtfully put in the truck when she wasn't looking, and got out, walking the short distance to the graves. She sat down in front of Amanda's grave first. Both she and Amanda had been the studious two of the quartet and they had spent many, many hours working together on science projects, being ahead with all their school work and playing tutor to the mischievous, playful pair of their quartet. Lindsay traced the words engraved on her stone and could picture Amanda hunched over a book, writing notes in the column or one of her many notebooks whilst commenting on the ridiculousness of Kelly and Rose's latest outfits. How she managed to do that without looking up from her work had always amazed Lindsay. To an outsider the four of them should never have been such a tight knit unit but they were and it was almost impossible for anyone else to break through. They never ostracised anyone or mocked them but no one ever became a part of their inner group. They were hated by no one although Lindsay got to find out what that was like the minute her friends died. She worked so hard with her studies both at school and then at college but she so wished Amanda got to experience it with her. They had both spent so much time talking about their plans after school, which college, what courses, what they were going to do with their lives and maybe even do further degrees. Lindsay couldn't help but regret and hate that Amanda wasn't able to experience the life she was living. _

"_You have no idea how much I miss you Mand. You won't believe this but I'm at college. I stayed here in Montana; it was too hard to be too far aware from mum and dad at the moment. It is a little better than school. Hardly anyone knows or at least says anything about me or what happened to you guys. It has made making friends easier but it's not the same. They're not you. I missed you so much in high school. Do you remember the loner who sat alone in fifth grade? I can't even remember why now. That was me after the shooting. No one wanted to sit near me in case I murdered them." Lindsay gave a snort mostly of bitterness, as she thought about those days. "At least I was always up to date with my school work though! I miss you so much and I hope you are happy and not afraid anymore. I'm sorry I was a coward and hid. I didn't mean to, I heard the door ring and I froze. I couldn't have moved even if I wanted to, at least not until I heard the door chime again. I hope you knew I was with you at the end. I knew you needed me most and I'm sorry I couldn't save you." And she cried for her friend's broken dreams. And for her own loneliness as she sat alone in school working silently. And for her guilt at surviving and not being able to save her friend. All she had been able to do was hold her when she died and even now Lindsay still didn't think it was enough. _

_Lindsay stood up to stretch her legs and walked back to the truck. Her mum had collected some flowers from her flower garden and put them in Lindsay's truck, for the girls. Lindsay grabbed the purple ones, with plenty of foliage. Amanda had always liked the shapes and textures of many of the leaves. She laid them on Amanda's grave, before placing some on Kelly's then Rose's graves. If she was being logical, she would have moved on to speak to Kelly next but in all honesty that was going to be a much harder and longer conversation and one she wasn't sure she was fully prepared for. So for now she just placed the flowers on Amanda's grave, touched the stone once more and moved onto Rose. _

_She sat down in front of Rose's grave, and gently touched her stone, following the lines of the words written there for all to see. It was therapeutic and calming and allowed her to remember the times of laughter, joy and hope. She could see Rose's face and watch her dancing round the fields to her own music. She heard Rose's laughter which was always infectious and normally ended up with the four of them laughing until they couldn't breathe anymore, sides hurting, tears falling down their faces. Lindsay wiped at her face and felt the wetness of real tears. She missed Rose's childlike wonder that she brought to each day. She was the eternal optimist and then Lindsay finally spoke to her. _

"_Hey Rose. I hope you are OK. I miss you. I miss your laugh, I miss your optimism, I miss your sense of fun and exploration. I just miss you. You made the sun shine even on the darkest of days. I've never met anyone like you before or since. I don't know if I will. Can you send me down some of your hope? I want to be able to laugh again and dance in the fields like we used to, and just be stupid yet happy. The four of us like we always did. I have friends now but it's not the same. Send a little sunshine my way, please?" She paused trying to regain a hold on her emotions that were rapidly threatening to overtake her sense of decorum and dignity. It didn't work and so she waited until the flood of tears passed. She took a deep breath before continuing. "Sorry Rose. For someone who never cried a lot I don't seem to have stopped over the last five years. You would so take the piss out of me if you were here. But Rose, what I really need to say is I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't with you. I'm sorry that you all died and left me. I'm sorry I couldn't do anything. Can you forgive me?"_

_Lindsay jumped a mile in the air as she felt a hand on her shoulder followed by a man's voice. "You have nothing to be sorry for Lindsay. You did nothing wrong. You did what you were supposed to. You hid." The man knelt down beside her before continuing. "You were just fourteen. What do you think you were su__pposed to do? __Rose wouldn't blame you. We don't blame you. Stop blaming yourself."_

_Lindsay turned and came face to face with Rose's father and just behind him was Rose's mother. She looked at them both before saying the one word she always wanted and needed to say to them ever since that day in the diner. She had said it to them before and knew she would say it again; it was as if she could never say it enough thanks to the guilt and grief. "I'm sorry Rose died and I'm sorry I wasn't there." And with that she broke down. Rose's mother knelt down and took Lindsay in her arms, whispering words of comfort and reassurance. Both of Rose's parents shed their tears too and allowed Lindsay to share her grief with them. Lindsay often found it easier to share her grief with her friend's parents than her own. Not because they were unapproachable or resented her moods and feelings, but because she shared a grief that was the same as Rose's parents. They had all lost someone they loved and missed dearly in exactly the same way, and early one morning, twelve hours off the exact moment when five years previous a fourteen year old girl had gone to wash her hands, and had then been subjected to hearing her friend's laughter turn to fear and then nothing, they all sat comforting each other and reassuring Lindsay that she was supposed to be there. _

"_It wasn't your fault Lindsay. You were supposed to have been in that bathroom. You are the one who is going to give them the justice they deserve. No one else can do it. That's why you were saved. You were saved to help them rest in peace," said Rose's mother Janet. _

"_I don't know. I keep thinking I should have been there. With them. I mean in the diner itself rather than the bathroom."_

"_And what exactly would you have done? Had you been there you would be lying here, in the cemetery with Rose and the other girls and then no one would be able to help solve this case," said Tim, Rose's dad._

"_I haven't helped a bit. I've been useless" said Lindsay, her words turning to anger and bitterness. _

"_You gave a description of the man. You will help find him when the time is right. He won't get away," said Janet. _

"_How can you both be so loving and believing? I am just so angry and feel as though that day had become my cross to bear and to be honest it is heavy. So heavy and painful and I've had enough. I want it to stop. I want to feel and live and love and laugh."_

"_Lindsay we have always had our faith. It gave us comfort in the darkest days and it gives us hope now. If we are honest we were angry at first because Rose hadn't survived, but don't get us wrong, we were never angry because you did survive. It was just that Rose wasn't here anymore. One of the members of our congregation spoke to us a few months after it happened and told us that it had to be you. You are the one who will help nail the man who took our Rose, and Kelly, Amanda and Sarah." Tim stopped and looked a Lindsay, putting his hand under her chin, to gain eye contact with her. "And you Lindsay. He took you away as much as he did the girls. Your mum and dad have told us how you have struggled with surviving, but you have been given a gift, an opportunity to bring justice and help so many people. That's why it was you and not the others you will make a difference in whatever you choose to do, as well as identifying this man when he is finally caught. And he will be caught. Don't keep hiding yourself away, start living and laughing again. It will get easier with time."_

_Lindsay was stunned by their words. They were so loving and giving and yet she could suddenly feel the guilt building up within her again. Janet could see the conflict in her eyes and pulled her tighter. "Linds come and see us sometime. We miss hearing and seeing you in the house. It's too quiet."_

"_And nothing's been broken for a while!" added Tim, a smile gracing his face, _

"_I'll raise a glass to everything breakable in our home being intact too!" came another male voice, a little farther away than Rose's dad. Lindsay whipped her head round to see Amanda's dad striding down the path, a big grin on his face. It was at the moment she finally accepted that she would never live down her destructive teenage years, even if most of the accidents were genuinely accidents. It appeared she would forever be known as the proverbial 'bull in a china shop' and she figured it would follow her until the day she died. Well, it would follow her courtesy of her parents, brothers and the girls' parents. She had to admit to having her fingers and anything else that could be crossed, crossed and hoped that she could leave that image behind her. She was, after all, a lot more grown up and slightly less clumsy than she was when her friends were around. And so she decided to test the waters and hoped she wouldn't upset either Amanda or Rose's parents. _

"_You do know it was their influence and behaviours that caused me to be as badly behaved and accident prone as I was," she said a little more smugly than she had intended. _

"_Are you saying that you are blaming our dead daughters for your inability to not walk into anything or look where you were going or catch anything?" asked Jeff, Amanda's dad, the smallest hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his lips, as well as the fact he was looking round at the other parents for their agreement in this conversation, giving away the fact that he was actually enjoying this conversation. _

_Lindsay shrugged her shoulders with a "yes" and held onto each of the four parents gazes in turn waiting for their reactions, panic crossing her face the longer she waited for their responses. Fortunately it went in her favour as they all burst out laughing, mostly at the look on her face, Lindsay joined in with the laughter and stood up to greet Jeff and Ann, Amanda's parents. _

"_Hi baby!" said Ann as she hugged Lindsay tightly. She stood back holding Lindsay's face in her hand and studied her intently. "I have missed you so much in our home. You shouldn't be a stranger. We love you as much as we love our Mandy. And by the way, you need to take better care of yourself. You obviously haven't been eating properly, sleeping enough or burning the candle at both ends and I can see guilt in your eyes."_

_Just like that the floodgates were opened again and Lindsay found herself struggling to stay upright as she let the grief and guilt out. Again. Lindsay kept repeating the same words as she had with Janet, then Ann felt the guilt herself at causing Lindsay to react as she was. The two women were clinging onto each other, both repeating the words, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Ann calmed down before Lindsay and then spent time reassuring her and stroking her hair. It was another several minutes before Lindsay felt the last of this current batch of tears leave her eyes and exhaustion take over her body, until she remembered that she hadn't said a proper hello to Tim. She released her death grip on Ann and walked over to Tim and hugged him tightly, the two of them exchanging their belated 'hellos'. _

"_Ok I say let's sit down and catch up with each other. I mean the last time we were together was the week before the shooting when a certain young lady who is alive and shall remain nameless decided to get drunk on gin and then spent the evening alternating between feeling sorry for herself and throwing up!" said Tim, eager to get this trip down memory lane on the run. _

"_I wasn't the only one who was drinking the gin!" defended Lindsay. "Neither of your girls were saints!"_

"_No I will agree to that, Rose was anything but a saint, but she also didn't throw up in my vegetable patch!" said Janet enjoying watching the colour return to Lindsay's cheeks. The two sets of parents had remained close friends with Eve and Dave but Lindsay had distanced herself a bit as she struggled to come to terms with everything she had witnessed. They all know from Lindsay's parents that she had been weighed down by guilt and grief with no reason to do so. None of them blamed her for what had happened and they could all say that they wanted her to just be happy, especially so long after the shooting. Both sets of parents had missed the presence of not only their daughters but also of Lindsay. As the sole survivor she was the one link left to their children. She knew stories and habits about them that had been hidden from their parents. She had also been a source of amusement on many an occasion, which appeared to be where this trip down memory lane was heading. _

_Lindsay sat between the two sets of parents on the patch of grass in front of the three graves. Kelly was in the middle, with Amanda on the left and Rose on the right. Lindsay was opposite Kelly's grave something that she would later regret, although in all honesty she could have just walked in the cemetery and it would have been wrong. The truth of the matter is her big wrong doing was surviving. And not Kelly. She had spent so much time and prayers wishing she could exchange her life with those of her friends but mostly Kelly because of her mum's extreme reaction. Listening to the chatter of the four adults around her she finally allowed a little more of the grief and guilt she was holding onto to dissipate. It was the first time she had allowed herself to think and talk about more than numerous the good times they had spent together, as individuals and as a group, as opposed to that one event. _

_They had all been sat together laughing and joking for nearly an hour when they heard a voice, screaming like a banshee across the serenity of the cemetery. Each of the five adults whipped their heads round to see a woman running over to them screaming at the top of her lungs. The exact words couldn't be heard but their meaning wasn't lost on anyone. She was mad, fuming even and her rage was directed at one person only. Lindsay. _

_Lindsay stood up as Barbara, Kelly's mum neared the graves. Her face was red from exertion and the screaming and she didn't slow down as she neared the one girl she hated more than God and life itself. She ran at Lindsay wanting to take out her rage physically as well as verbally on the girl she believed should have died. Who deserved to die. Before anyone else could react, stunned by the sight that had materialised in front of them, Barbara reached Lindsay and hit her. Not once. Not twice. But repeatedly, at least until Jeff and Tim managed to pull her off a bewildered and silent Lindsay. _

"_You selfish little bitch! Flaunting your life in front of my baby girl! How dare you! Do you have no respect for the dead?" Suddenly Barbara became aware of the other adults standing around her. Her husband Max had finally caught up by now, his movements having been slowed down by the lasting effects of a stroke which happened on the year anniversary of the shooting. He was mentally intact and he had regained most of his physical abilities, although he was a lot slower than he had ever been and for an ex-sporting man it had been hard for him at first, but he had come to accept his current situation. Max looked around at everyone else, sadness and embarrassment on his face. He missed his friends and he missed Lindsay. He hated what his wife had become and the rules she had forced on him, but he loved her and he knew she was partly grief stricken and she refused to allow herself to leave her tears and grief behind and move on with her life. However it was widely known by those who knew Barbara best that she was partially holding onto everything because of the attention bestowed upon her by complete strangers and her newer so-called friends. Janet put her hand out to touch Max's arm and reassure him that she, and in fact everyone else, understood his predicament. What they couldn't understand, however, was the constant backlash and abuse she reserved only for Lindsay. It had been proven that Lindsay wasn't the shooter long ago and what else did Barbara think that Lindsay should have done? She had this warped view of her daughter as being the perfect child, when she was actually the one most likely to get everyone else in trouble. The girls never minded as they liked to use the three musketeers' motto 'one for all and all for one'. But Kelly was the very loud and very proud ringleader. Her mum refused to acknowledge that even when Kelly had admitted she was the one who started drinking the gin, not studying or doing more than kissing her boyfriend. _

_Lindsay stood pretty much shell shocked and trying to hold onto her dignity. She didn't want to scream and curse at Barbara even though she was doing it herself. She was fighting to hold onto her tears and she could feel her strength and resolve to remain calm ebbing away with each word that left Barbara's mouth. However, she didn't have to say anything when the next words left Barbara's mouth._

"_And look at you all! Sitting laughing with this little bitch who should be dead with the rest of them! And you are all laughing and joking! Here! In a graveyard where you should show dignity and respect for the deceased! Worse still you are 'partying' on top of my baby's grave! You selfish little people! You can't even respect your own children who are buried here!"_

_There was a loud noise, as Max slapped his own wife's face. His face had gone from apologetic and sadness to rage. He could feel his blood boiling at the disrespect his wife was showing his old friends and Lindsay. He had managed to stay quiet for the better part of five years; the last four in fear of a further stroke sue to high blood pressure. But now, now he didn't care what happened next. He had always wondered if death would be better than the so-called life he was forced to live. Now he needed to tell his wife how it was. And he wouldn't be holding back. _

_His voice was eerily calm, yet the rage, far beyond normal anger, could be heard in the tone. _

"_I have held my tongue and watched and listened as you have alienated everyone we have ever known. I have allowed you to drive a wedge between me and my friends. I have even let you blame our daughter's best friend for something which everyone knows, including you, that she had nothing to do with." He paused preparing himself for what he would say next. "You are the selfish one. You are the disrespectful one. You ran screaming like a banshee through the cemetery. I couldn't hear them laughing and talking until I was really close to them. But you," he stabbed his finger at her as if to make sure she knew exactly who he was talking about, "you I could hear as soon as I locked the car. You disturbed the final resting place of the people here. Not them. You are the one who should be ashamed of yourself." _

_Max stopped as he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see Jeff looking at him and silently supporting him, reassuring him that Max had friends who would back him up. He gained the final ounce of courage he needed to complete his speech to Barbara," My friends are doing exactly what we should be doing. They are remembering their children in a healthy way. They are talking about them for the people they were not the idolised being you have turned Kelly into. She wasn't perfect. She wasn't a saint but she was our daughter faults and all and I loved every part of her. Lindsay was doing nothing wrong sitting by her grave. They spent most of their lives together sharing beds and clothes and homework, so why shouldn't she sit by or on Kelly's grave? And you are to never, ever say anything about Lindsay being responsible for the shooting or that she should have died or she should have done something. She was fourteen," Max was virtually screaming now as his guilt at letting his wife put the blame on Lindsay took over him, "what was she supposed to do? Tackle him? Get the gun off him? The maniac had a shotgun and it was all over in a minute. She couldn't do anything otherwise we would have four childre__n here not three." As he spoke M__ax pointed to the three graves lying side by side. His voice lowered and he continued the final part of his speech. __"Lindsay has the right to live. She has the right to be happy. She has the right to move on. If you wish to remain in my house and stay married to me you will abide by what I have said, otherwise__...__"_

"_Otherwise what?" Barbara spat back at him_

"_Otherwise it is over for you and me. I want to rejoin the world of the living again and I can't do that whilst I am living with you if you continue to act like this. It's up to you to decide what you want to do next." Max glared at his wife, before breaking eye contact with her. _

_Taking a breath Max paused, took a deep breath before turning and shaking hands with both Jeff and Tim, then hugging and kissing both Janet and Ann on the cheek. He then walked up to Lindsay and the tears of loss, anger, hatred, guilt, sadness and regret flowed down his cheeks. Lindsay stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek before putting her arms round him. She held onto him so hard, almost afraid to let him go. And it was Lindsay, not Max who whispered the words, "I'm truly sorry. I love Kelly and you and Barbara. Come and see mummy and daddy soon, I know they would love that." _

_And just like that Lindsay let go and worked her way round the adults, hugging them and saying goodbye. Lastly she stood in front of Barbara and she looked at her. "I miss her you know. Every day. My life isn't the same because I don't have any of them here with me. But I understand it. I get your grief. I get your anger. I'm sorry I couldn't do what you wanted me to do then, but I'm not sorry for spending time here talking about them. I only wish I would have done it sooner. I love you too." And she placed a kiss on Barbara's cheek before walking off to her truck, leaving five adults stunned by the act of bravery, restraint and composure and one adult trying to get her head around what had just happened in the last few minutes. Little did anyone know that although it would be sometime before she asked for help, it was the words Lindsay spoke to Barbara that guided her to ask for help along with Max's actions. She didn't know how or why but in time she would finally understand why Lindsay survived and why she had to survive. It was to help her live and find justice for many. _

_**As always huge hugs & thanks to Brina for listening to me ranting and trying to work out what to do. Seriously girl, you are the definition of patience. And a good friend. And just for that this chapter is for you. Sorry it's not a fluffy one! **_


	13. Chapter 13

**Here it is the next part, continuing on from the last chapter. It is a long chapter and i apologise for that. **

**I still own nothing beyond my dvd's and a very overactive imagination!**

Then she was back in the present, staring at the woman who had caused her almost as much heartache and pain as the man who had entered the diner on that fateful night. Fear gripped Lindsay's heart; it always did when she saw Barbara Parker. There was a time when she had loved her almost as much as her own mother but now, now she couldn't decide if it was hate or pity she felt. 'No, it wasn't hate', she thought to herself, clarifying her feelings. She did, however, feel the walls of the fortress that she had spent the last nine years perfecting, rapidly building up around her to stop the words of hurt that she knew were about to come her way. But, for the first time since the shooting Lindsay had the strength to speak directly to Barbara, not afraid of the consequences because at the end of the day she was leaving not only the cemetery but also the state and would probably never see her again. Or at least it would be easier to avoid her when she came home to visit her family.

"Mrs Parker, you know what I honestly don't want to hear what you have to say. I get it, I really, really do. You hate me. You hate that I am living and stood here right now in front of you. You hate that I didn't die with my friends. The good news for you is that for most of the last nine years that is how I felt too. But I have been given an opportunity that is an honour and I am taking it. I am leaving here so you won't have to worry about seeing me again. I will make sure to avoid you when I come home to Montana. I'm sorry Kelly won't be coming with me, more than you will ever know or understand but I can't undo what was done." She stopped to try and calm herself down. She could feel the anger she felt towards Kelly's mum threatening to erupt out of her and her body had started shaking lightly in response to the adrenaline that was now coursing through her veins. She took in a deep breath before continuing. "You have told me constantly that I'm not allowed to be here, to see the girls but that is selfish and bullshit." The anger was starting to get the better of her as the change in her language indicated. And then she started getting louder and louder "I spent most of my childhood with these girls. My life was fucking destroyed as much as yours was. More so because out of us two, and even everyone else who was involved directly and indirectly I'm the only one who was there. I heard the shots fired. I heard the screaming. I saw each of them die and their blood leaving their bodies. You were lucky! You saw them cleaned up, after their breaths had left their body, the pain gone from their faces and their groans ceased. But I didn't. I see them in my nightmares! I relive it over and over again. Not just the images of what happened but also the sounds, the noises and the touches. When is say I relive it all, I relive it all." Her volume had increased to such a level that an old man visiting his departed wife looked up from the stone he was cleaning to see what was going on.

Lindsay stopped as quickly as she had started, a few stray tears falling down her cheeks. She tried to regain her dignity before speaking again in a much quieter and softer tone. "Look Mrs Parker, please can you leave me to say 'goodbye'. Please?" She was pleading now. Almost begging for permission to do something that she had the right to do, but still Barbara stood still on the path, watching the young woman as she turned back to the three stones in front of her.

"Lindsay," started Barbara again, an unnerving softness to her voice, after all Lindsay had only heard screams and abuse coming from her since the shooting nine years previous. "I'm not here to abuse you."

Lindsay slowly turned back round to look at Kelly's mum, confusion written all over her face. Barbara had seen it and answered her unasked question. "I've come to say I'm sorry. For everything. I used the word 'abuse' because that is what I did to you. I verbally and emotionally abused you. I made you into a scapegoat blaming you for something you had no control over and that you didn't do. If I could I would go back to that day and, and..." Her voice drifted off as she tried to find the words to say what she needed but finally admitting her wrong doings was far more emotional than she could ever have imagined.

Max, her husband had started seeing the same psychologist as Lindsay, her family and all the other families involved in the shooting had seen. For several months Max and Barbara had led separate lives and Max had even moved out of the family home for six months, keeping up on his promise to leave her if she didn't get help. The final push for him to leave was when he heard from Amanda's parents about the torrent of abuse Barbara had hurled at Lindsay as she was out with her college friends one day, soon after the fifth anniversary. Quite simply he was disgusted and couldn't take it anymore. So he quietly packed three bags and walked out of the door, all the while his wife was pleading with him to stay.

_Barbara had been returning to her car after having lunch with some new 'friends' she had made. She had started spending time with the mums of some children who used to attend the same high school as Kelly, Lindsay and the girls. After Kelly had died she had gotten sympathy and many lunch offers from these women who were more than eager to "support" Barbara and use her twist on the shooting to their advantage, so as a result they were more than happy to spread the rumours and lies with a few more added twists to their own children. By the time Lindsay had returned to school the stories and lies and fear of some of her fellow classmates had been convoluted into stories that were nothing like the actual event. No matter how many additions of omissions to this narrative were made, Lindsay was always labelled as being evil in some way and never a victim. Even the truth which had come out via the local paper and television, with information from the police department, didn't improve things for her. Lindsay had been called the killer or she knew the killer or had sex with him to save her life or she was an evil curse which cost her friends their lives. But what Lindsay didn't know was that so deeply involved in these vicious lies was Kelly's mum, expressing her anger by blaming the wrong person and also to the wrong people who were more than happy to continue the lies and social ostracisation that Lindsay was experiencing. It was as if the children were exerting revenge for Lindsay having had a happy childhood until that point and they had been excluded out of their circle. It was revenge for something so petty but it was having a devastating effect on a young woman who was trying to find her place in the world courtesy of the teenage years anyway, but now she had so much more to contend with through no fault of her own, but because of circumstances she was in the wrong place at the wrong time and had, as she always thought, had the misfortune of surviving._

_Max had watched his wife become more bitter and twisted. When he had his stroke a year after the shooting, she could only turn it all onto herself. How his stroke affected her, how hard it was for her and he was almost irrelevant. Somehow Barbara had forgotten about the vows she had taken at her wedding 'in sickness and in health' and she couldn't see that Max was the one going through all the physical therapy and learning to walk, talk, feed and dress himself and regain control over his body. Barbara wallowed in the misery of her daughter's death and her husbands' stroke and enjoyed the tea and sympathy provided by her new friends. He had tried to talk to her about her friends, how they were out only for themselves and they were stoking up the fires of anger and revenge she so desired. But Barbara wasn't listening. She honestly didn't care because she had people wanting to talk to her or more accurately listen to her, wanting to know how it was affecting her or how they could support her. She didn't want to know how to accept her daughter was gone or talk about the good times because that would have taken away the sympathy and friends. _

_Max had finally had enough that day in the cemetery. He watched as his wife took down every one of his old friends who he dearly missed and then he heard her talk to Lindsay. He saw red and the tiny piece of thread holding in his anger and holding his marriage together, finally snapped, and out came tumbling everything he had been holding in for fear of upsetting his wife. He didn't care anymore because he had finally had enough. He wanted to be able to talk about Kelly, to remember his only child and laugh at her exploits as he had seen the five adults doing when they had pulled up in the cemetery. Max also wanted to be able to cry when the pain and emptiness caused by her loss became too much and a too heavy burden to carry, without it becoming about someone else, namely Barbara. He knew they were recounting stories of stupidity and fun and he needed that. He had lost his only child as Barbara had and he didn't want her to be forgotten. He didn't want her life to mean nothing. And so he had told Barbara exactly what he thought. Although it was less told and more screamed at, but the result was the same. For the next two weeks Barbara was less critical and even spoke of Kelly once or twice. Then the 'girls lunches' started again and her usual vile and filth came spurting out. _

_Then he got the phone call that he thought had cost him his marriage. Max had been busy paying bills and checking his finances when the phone rang. "Hello" he said picking up the phone but continuing to write out cheques. _

"_Hi Max, it's Jeff. Are you free for a minute?"_

_Max could hear a mass of emotions in his friend's voice and immediately stopped what he was doing. "What? What's the matter? Is Barbara OK?" _

"_Well, she's, look, we weren't spying but..." stuttered Jeff as he tried to work out how to say what he needed to say._

_Ann snatched the phone out of her husband's hands interrupting his conversation and continuing. "But your wife has just taken out Lindsay again. And in front of Lindsay's friends. Max, she's telling her friends that she is a liability and a coward and basically that she is responsible for what happened. She is obsessed with thinking that Lindsay should have saved her. We have to try and stop her and well, we need your help," _

_Max sat with head in his hands, sighing loudly. He could feel the tears in his eyes stinging them and blurring his vision. He knew what he had to do and he really, really didn't want to do it, but sometimes you have no choice. _

"_Max?" asked Ann, concern in her voice at his silence._

"_Yeah I'm still here." He sounded down and Ann wondered if he had given up on everything. "Ann, is that room still available?"_

_Ann and Jeff had offered him a room at their home if he ever needed to get away from Barbara. Max didn't want to go to a hotel yet he knew that if he didn't get out of the house he would wither and die. Like his wife was doing, but unlike her he would just go quietly and alone. That was the big difference. _

"_You want us to pick you up?" asked Ann, letting Max know he was welcome at their home._

"_No. Thanks. I'll drive over. Give me an hour or so?"_

"_See you soon Max. And Max? You need us before then you know the number."_

"_Thanks Ann. Can you thank Jeff for me too?"_

"_Course I will. See you soon." With that she put down the phone and went to prepare the spare room for their guest. _

_Max breathed out, saddened by his decision. He didn't want to end his marriage. He loved his wife dearly but he knew she had never really accepted or come to terms with what had happened. He slowly stood up from the table, putting away the cheque book and leaving the bills he had completed ready for posting. Then he went upstairs and retrieved two suitcases and a travel bag. He emptied his drawers and wardrobe before going downstairs to the laundry room, where he retrieved his remaining clothes. Once he had packed his clothes he rounded up his shoes from by the back and front doors. As he was on his way back upstairs Barbara returned to the house. She watched him going upstairs with his shoes and immediately started questioning him about what he was doing._

"_What do you think you are doing Max? Why are you packing? Where are you going? Are you off to see your sister? What are you doing with the photo albums?"_

_He turned round slowly to face his wife. For the first time in their relationship she couldn't read his face but he soon told her. "I'm leaving you Barbara. I told you if things didn't change I would be gone. Jeff and Ann told me what you did to Lindsay. You humiliated her. And why? For your own pleasure? For kicks? Because your friends have been encouraging you? To be honest I don't care anymore. I told you to get help. You have chosen to ignore me and I've had enough. Please don't try to contact me. I am going to do what I should have done several years ago. I am going to see Dr Walker and get help. Try to find my way out of the darkness that has surrounded me for five long years. I am taking some photo albums of Kelly. Not all of them and to be honest I don't care if you don't want me to. She was my daughter too. You have lived your life thinking you were the only one affected by what happened. My feelings have been irrelevant to you. For some reason you have made this about you. Not the girls. Not Kelly. Not Sarah, the waitress. Not even Lindsay. If you want me back then you need to show me you're willing to change but if you stay this bitchy, selfish piece of work that you are then it will be over. I will give you six months. After that, I will file for divorce. I want and need to start living again. Kelly lived her life to the fullest. All fourteen years of it. It was too short a life but one thing I know is this, she would hate knowing that both you and I are no longer living."_

_Max shut the last of his cases. He put his travel bag over his shoulder and grabbed the two cases. He stopped just in front of his wife who was frozen immobile in shock at what was playing out before her. He gently kissed her on the cheek and walked out of their bedroom, down the stairs and out of his family home. Barbara stood frozen until she heard his car driving away. Finally comprehending that he was serious and he had actually just walked out of her life she collapsed on the floor and for the first time in years she sobbed. Really sobbed, finally letting out some of the grief she had been holding on so tightly to for over five years. _

_It was her husband's leaving combined with Lindsay's parting words at their previous 'meeting' at the graveside that got through to Barbara and made her realise that she needed help. _

"Mrs Parker? Are you OK?" asked Lindsay as she watched the older woman caught up in her memories and pain, if she interpreted the look on her face correctly.

Barbara looked up startled by Lindsay's voice interrupting her thoughts. She looked confused for a moment until she had gathered her bearings again. Suddenly she remembered why she was there, stood before her daughter's friend.

"Lindsay, would you mind sitting with me for a few minutes? Please? I know you're leaving, Amanda's parents told us. But, but before you go I have some things I would like to share with you, if that is alright? And don't worry, it won't be like before. I know I have no reason to expect you to believe me or want to talk to me but I would be eternally grateful if you could?" Lindsay could see the hesitation in Barbara's face, as she waited for a reply. Barbara had done something Lindsay never expected and it told her need to talk to her was genuine. Mrs Parker sat down on the grass in front of Kelly's headstone and gently patted the ground next to her. A question of hope and expectation on her face. And for the first time in nine years the two women sat side by side, without a verbal sparring war going on between them.

Neither of them spoke for several minutes. They both studied each other, this being the first time that they had been close enough to each other to actually see how the years had changed them. Without the presence of strong overwhelming emotions, such as anger, grief and hurt. Lindsay looked at Kelly's mum and could see how the years since Kelly's death had changed her. She looked older. Much older than she actually was or than she should have looked. Lindsay noticed that she had a sense of calm and peace within her, something she hadn't see in such a long time. Long before Kelly had died even. Then quite unexpectedly she saw tears forming in Barbara's eyes and slowly make their way down her cheeks. Lindsay couldn't help but put her hand out to wipe away the tears, and as she did so Barbara lifted her hand up to take hold of Lindsay's hand, whilst it was still touching her face.

"Are you OK Mrs Parker?" asked Lindsay, trying to work out what had made her cry.

"Lindsay, please call me Barbara. You're not a child anymore. You are all grown up and so beautiful." Lindsay couldn't help blushing at those words, not really believing it but also not wanting to start an argument between them, especially when it was so comfortable in an awkward kind of way. She let out a laugh as she tried to make sense of what she had just thought and Barbara looked at her confused.

"Sorry Mrs Parker, I mean Barbara. I was just thinking how comfortable yet awkward this is. I mean in some ways it is like nine years ago never happened and we are sat together as we did lots of times over the years and yet at the same time I don't know what I'm supposed to say. Or do. Does that make sense?"

"Perfect," she replied, finally taking both of their hands down from her face and holding Lindsay's hand tightly in her lap. "You know I can't help but wonder how Kelly would look now. If she had lived I mean."

"I imagine them too sometimes, in my dreams. I can see Kelly and Rose dancing and performing some silly skit trying to break mine and Amanda's concentration and trying to get us to have fun. Sometimes they are as they were when they died. Other times they are all grown up, how I imagine they could look." She paused wondering if this conversation was the right thing to do, until she was reassured.

"Please tell me," asked Barbara. "I know I alienated you but I would like to know what you have been thinking and feeling. I want to have more happier memories of Kelly, you and the girls. Some days it's so hard to see anything but the bad especially the loneliness, the emptiness and the pain, but I try to remember the good and try to imagine her laughing and causing trouble. I think it's getting easier, although on the dark days it doesn't seem it."

"I didn't see it for a long time," Lindsay confessed. She decided to be totally honest with her friend's mother, just so she would know that she had never been alone. That the grief wasn't hers alone, as she had thought for over five years. "I could only see the blood at first," Lindsay confessed, tears welling up in her eyes. "I could smell, taste and touch it too. Even in my dreams. It was so real and I relived the shooting over and over again." She turned to look at Barbara wanting to see her face as she told her the next bit. "Do you know the first time I came to the cemetery was my birthday. That first time I saw you here?"

Barbara's face reddened as she remembered how she had behaved towards Lindsay that day. She felt shame and humiliation coursing through her body and fought to hold onto her emotions and body's reactions to Lindsay's words. But if there was one thing she had learnt from seeing the psychologist was that she had to hear how the shooting affected everyone else because it would help put her reactions into perspective, and how extreme they had actually been. If there was one person who deserved that more than anyone else it was Lindsay. Barbara wanted nothing more than to hold onto Lindsay and tell her not to worry but she knew that they both had to relive it in order for them both to move on. So she sat continuing to hold onto Lindsay's hand more tightly than before and waited for her to continue.

"I didn't leave the house for months. I even avoided the windows. I kept thinking I could see him. Or I would imagine the barrel of a gun pointing at me. Even when I went into daddy's office in the barn he would have to put all his guns away somewhere I didn't know about because I couldn't see them or even know where they were. Then I would have moments where I wished he would find me and end it because the guilt of surviving was crushing me. I hated being alive. I hated everyone telling me it would be better one day because I honestly didn't think it could or would be. Everywhere I turned I could see it. I was there back in the diner reliving it. Sometimes the same ending. Sometimes different endings. Sometimes I could see myself standing there, the blood slowly leaving my body and with it my life. I think that's how it was for me, you know? I didn't live. I just was. It was hard for everyone else, especially mum. She was there all the time. She would say that looking after me was like having a newborn because I would wake screaming. Usually more than once a night. I didn't speak for a long time either. So coming here was so hard. It was strange because I knew it was real. I was constantly reliving it but it wasn't until I came that day and saw their headstones that I really got it. I finally accepted that they weren't coming back."

The tears came and Lindsay let out a sob. She had tried to hold it in, but with no luck. Barbara pulled Lindsay towards her and laid Lindsay's head in her lap and stroked her head as she cried. Barbara cried too and for the first time it was for the loss of Lindsay's childhood. She got it now too. The other parents hadn't been lying when they said part of Lindsay had died that day too. Barbara had presumed because she was still breathing and her heart still beating that she had the good end of the whole event. Now as she listened and watched and held onto her daughter's friend she finally understood that she probably had the worst outcome of the whole thing. Her daughter had died, yes. But she didn't suffer, well, not for long. She had her childhood was happy then yes it ended, but it ended quickly. Lindsay's childhood ended in one of the most brutal ways you could think of and as she lay sobbing, Barbara could see that even now she had never fully gotten over it. Stroking her hair Barbara wondered if she actually ever would get over it or was she too damaged by what she had seen. The two women sat on top of their daughter and friend's grave and cried together, letting out the pain and preparing the way for their futures to enable them both to move on.

When the tears eventually subsided they both remained as they were enjoying the silence of the cemetery. Lindsay reached out and followed the letters written on Kelly's stone, as if she was writing them and as she had done many times before. She was jolted out of her trance when Barbara spoke.

"I'm sorry I never let you speak to her. You deserved to say goodbye as we had. You deserved to spend time with her and, and I only wish I could undo everything and let you spend time with her. I was so angry at the injustice of it all. I couldn't understand why it happened. Why did they, or rather why did Kelly have to die. I couldn't even see that Amanda and Rose's parents were going through exactly what Max and I were experiencing. Well, really what I was experiencing. I felt as though my life was over. Kelly had been my life for so long and then suddenly she was gone. I couldn't comprehend that she would never coming running through the house her cheeky smile on her face, or bitching at me for no other reason than I looked at her wrong," Lindsay let out a laugh at that and could picture Kelly doing that as she had many, many times before. "I think I was jealous that Amanda and Rose's parents had other children so I believed their grief wasn't as intense or maybe even as genuine as mine. I felt that they had something to live for and I had nothing left. It was quite selfish really especially as I neglected Max too. Emotionally, physically and it was worse when he had his stroke because I managed to make even that about me. If I am honest I hated your family because you were still alive. I couldn't see what the problem was and why everyone kept telling me that you had it worse and you were suffering. I suppose I didn't want to think of you being there and seeing it all because that would have made me think of someone else. I just wanted it to be Kelly who lived and I had managed to somehow convince myself that she would have been stronger and happier and grateful to be alive." She paused trying to judge if she had gone too far in her confessions, but when Lindsay reached to take Barbara's hand from her hair, she knew she had to continue.

"I did the wrong thing deserting my friends. If I hadn't I have no doubts that things would have turned out different. I'm not saying my grief would have been any less but maybe, just maybe events and especially your life would have been different. Better somehow. I don't know. I got support and sympathy from the wrong people, although because they were, as I thought then, for me and me only and they were so focussed on my thoughts and grief and misinterpretations of the events and in a kind of warped way I enjoyed it. I had people telling me I had it the worst and my life was the worst. I now know that some of the things I said to them were twisted into rumours and whispers that were aimed at making your life a living hell. Well more of a living hell than it turns out it actually was." Lindsay couldn't help but grip Barbara's hand tighter as she confessed what she had done. She felt the pain again crushing her chest and she had to take several long deep breaths. She could also hear Barbara's voice cracking as she fought not to breakdown herself.

"I wish I could take it back, I really do. I am so sorry Lindsay. Forgive me, please?" and the floodgates opened as she let go again. Lindsay sat up and this time it was her holding Barbara as she sobbed. Lindsay held her and stroked her hair and she said the one thing Barbara wanted, and need to hear.

"I forgive you, I really do. I forgave you a long time ago because I understood and I still understand." With those words Lindsay's kissed Barbara's head and held her as Barbara cried and apologised over and over again. "Although you might not believe it but mummy would sometimes suggest that I screamed and shouted like you did to get it out. I think because she was so worried about me holding it all in too much." Barbara snorted rather than laughed not believing that Eve would suggest Lindsay behaved in such a manner.

"You don't believe me?" asked Lindsay.

"No. I can't believe your mum wanting you to behave like a banshee!"

Lindsay looked at Barbara, eyebrows raised at the banshee remark.

"Max called me a banshee that time at the cemetery. On the fifth anniversary."

"I don't honestly remember that."

"What do you remember about that day?"

"Laughing and joking with Rose and Amanda's parents." Lindsay paused, before continuing in a much quieter voice, "and I wished you and Max could have been there with us too. You know, just talking and remembering and laughing." She took a deep breath before continuing on her previous conversation. "Anyway, mum didn't want me to be a banshee screaming across a cemetery, she just wanted me to scream and shout."

Barbara smiled and the two women lapsed into a comfortable silence.

They didn't how long they sat together on the grass in front of Kelly's grave but it was definitely hours. They talked about the girls, about Kelly and the girls, sharing memories and dreams they both had for her, as well as Amanda and Rose. It was an amazingly freeing moment for both of them, lifting the guilt and pain they had both been holding onto so tightly, before sitting together side by side enjoying the silence again and saying their own silent prayers of peace and forgiveness for each other to be able to move on.

"You should come back to the ranch for lunch. Mummy and daddy would love to see you."

"I doubt that. They must hate me. I ruined your life."

"No, the man who walked into that diner with the sole purpose of shooting anyone who was there ruined all our lives. Just in different ways that's all. And besides, I do know that mummy misses you. She says so often enough. And I know she is sad that you won't talk to her when you talk to the others."

"Is she angry at me?" worry passing through Barbara. She wanted to see her old friend so much but she also didn't think she could cope with any anger or rejection. Another day maybe, but today had been more emotional that she had thought and she really couldn't cope with much more.

"She was. I mean we all were. We have all been through the anger at what happened and at various times. Now, she just misses you. We all spent so much time together as families before the shooting. You would think that only those who died are the victims. Then, when it happens to you, you realise the immediate family are too, obviously. But then there are so many other things no one tells you or warns you about. I mean your relationships as friends were destroyed. Everyone's marriages seem to have been affected at one time or another, as well as sibling relationships. Instead of grieving together that man managed to drive a wedge through us all, forcing us to go our separate ways and to cope with it on our own. People when they look back on what happened will say there were only four victims but they were the only ones who died. They forget about the rest of us who were directly affected. No one ever tells you about that when they talk about crime or even after it happened."

"How did you get so wise Lindsay?"

"When I could talk I started seeing Dr Walker. You see her don't you?"

"Yes. She's an amazing woman don't you think?"

"I do. She is probably the only person who knows exactly how it affected everyone individually and as a group. I would so love to know what she knows someday!"

"Would you really? I don't know if I would. I don't know if I could cope with it."

"It's not so much knowing about what everyone knows but more about the wider picture of the effects of it. I think about it a lot when I'm up at the creek, watching the ripples moving out from the centre. That's how I see the shooting, it started with the four girls who were killed and then the ripples or aftermath goes out affecting more and more people over time or at least it becomes more evident over time. Plus I always think that extra bit of knowledge may help me with my job, especially as I don't cope well with certain situations, so I like to over compensate in others."

"How can you do it Linds? How can you work in crime day in day out after what you went through? Doesn't it haunt and follow you everywhere?"

"It did and still does sometimes, but then it did when I was still at school then in college and even now sometimes. I've been lucky here, James has been so understanding but if I'm honest that's one of the things I'm dreading about when I move. They won't know me or my past so they won't know why I struggle more with scenes involving teenage girls or grieving mothers." Lindsay heard Barbara gasp at the last part of her admission. "Sorry I didn't mean to upset you."

"No you didn't. I just had no idea how much things have affected you, although I had never really thought about it before now."

"You learn to cope and it will get easier Barbara. Some days are easier than others and then there are those days when the last thing you want to do is get out of bed. Then I think about the girls and I see Kelly bouncing around like Tigger and Rose twirling everywhere she goes and Amanda wanting to make a difference. I do the job I do for them. To find justice for them and for the others affected by serious crime. Someone I used to know said I was doing it for me, for the glory of solving a crime, but I hate the attention. I do it to solve the puzzle and put the guilty away, saving the rest of us from one more lunatic on the streets. The strange thing is I love my job. I can't believe it but I do. I never imagined this is where I would have ended up but it seems right, I know that probably doesn't make sense to most people but to me it does."

"You've managed to find the good out of the bad Lindsay. You should be proud. You're the one person who had the right to give up on life yet here you are doing anything but. You have shown the rest of us that it is possible to move on."

"I don't know if you ever truly move on though. It is always with you every day. Sometimes I see the girls faces looking back at me, sometimes it's you or the other parents, sometimes I imagine the screaming or gunfire. It will be with me until the day I die but I've had to learn to live with it. I mean I can't escape it ever and as mum tells me all the time it has made me the person I am, and capable of doing the job I do. So maybe I need to remember so I can do the job in the way I do? I don't know. I know it sounds muddled but in truth I think it is, even now. Some days are clearer than others and as Dr Walker will say, 'you can only take one day at a time and if it is too hard focus on each minute and when you've gotten through that, move onto the next until you can see the light again.'" Lindsay paused and turned to face Barbara. "She's right you know, that's the only way to do it and over time you find new ways of coping, although I don't recommend hitting walls!"

Barbara wondered if Lindsay was joking, but she could see and hear that she was talking from experience. She wanted to know more but didn't feel that she had the right or she was concerned that Lindsay might have other, better things to do. So inhaling deeply and finding the words she asked, "Did you really do those things?"

"Yep," she replied looking at Barbara, before turning back to the gravestones in front of her. "Why don't I get the food mum prepared and I can tell you about it, if you want to know."

"I thought you were going back home for lunch?"

"No, I asked if you wanted to go for lunch at home. Mum must have known I would be here a while and she's packed enough food and drink for an army. Even I won't manage it all by myself!" They both laughed at this knowing that Lindsay's voracious appetite was well known by all who knew her. As well as the eternal mystery - where did she put it all?

"You know what food and drink wouldn't go amiss right now. Nor would a blanket and I have that. Not the same as food & drink but it would be more comfortable than sitting on the grass for the next few hours or however long we are sat here."

"It's a deal," said Lindsay. "Meet you back here in five?"

"Sounds good to me." And the two women stood up and hesitantly embraced each other before going to their respective cars to retrieve their supplies.

**As usual huge hugs and respect to Brina. You rock! I couldn't and wouldn't write this without you and more is on the way to your inbox later today! **


	14. Chapter 14

**Thank you to everyone who has read & reviewed the last chapter. **

**I will apologise in advance because this is a long chapter. But I hope you will enjoy it. **

**As usual I still own just my DVD's and an overactive imagination.**

They spent a quiet but late lunch together eating, drinking and continuing to talk about Kelly and the girls. It was a surprisingly light conversation and Lindsay enjoyed being able to share things with Barbara. She had spent so much of her childhood at the Parker's home and she truly had missed her over the last nine years. Lindsay had come to terms with the loss of Amanda and Rose much easier than Kelly. After meeting both sets of parents on the fifth year anniversary of the shooting, Lindsay had started meeting up with them, every few months. It had been awkward at first. How do you start a conversation about a dead friend or daughter without it being awkward? Once they had started talking it got easier to share stories and reflect upon the past. It also meant that she was able to finally accept that they hadn't lived beyond the age of fourteen. The photos she owned and her memories told her that but there was a greater finality in talking about it with the parents, especially without Rose and Amanda being there too. There were no memories of high school, college or employment histories. They were really gone. She had been able to let go, although she knew she would always be tied to them, as they were to her. Sometimes Lindsay could see that wherever she was in her life they would always be there with her. The shooting would always have a lasting effect on her, part good and part bad. She never could work out which was the greater - the good or bad. Lindsay guessed that there would always be an element of taking each day as it comes, possibly to the end of her life, and she had managed to somehow make her peace with that.

Mostly.

But then there are those moments so completely unexpected that they throw you off course completely. Today was one of those moments. A long, big moment, but a life changing one nonetheless. Lindsay put down her cup to stop and look at Kelly's headstone and consider how her life would change from today because of a chance meeting with Kelly's mother that had been quite unlike any meeting they had had since her funeral. Barbara stopped eating to look at Lindsay and watched her thinking. Quite unexpectedly Barbara burst out laughing as she pictured the cogs going round in Lindsay's head, a picture that Kelly had given her many years ago. Lindsay turned to face Barbara, confused by her outburst and wondered if she had something on her face, as she started touching her cheeks and lips to see if there were any remnants of her lunch there.

"Don't worry Lindsay. Your face is fine. I was just watching you think and then I thought how I could almost see the cogs turning, and well, I got a picture of that which made me laugh." Barbara then panicked as she wondered if she had offended Lindsay, especially after the fact that they really were still on very shaky and newly laid ground. "Did I say something wrong? I'm sorry, I just couldn't help it. I am so sorry!"

Lindsay eventually managed to get a word in edgeways. "Barbara, you haven't offended me. Did you know Kelly used to say that to me? Well, sometimes to Amanda too but mostly me. She always said when I concentrated my face looks 'busy', whatever that means!"

"Did she really say that to you? She told me that once too." asked Barbara.

"Oh yes! Ask mum. Usually at least once a day! Apparently even when I was typing in my locker combination I looked like I was considering the wonders of the universe!" Lindsay turned her face back from Kelly's mum to the stone of the grave they sat on. "She always was the overly dramatic one of the group. She would often go into her a little world, and a smile would appear on her face. We always teased her that she was obviously giving her speech for whichever award she had given herself. You know, OSCAR, EMMY, best friend in the whole world, those kinds of things." Lindsay reached out and touched Kelly's name again.

"I can't tell you how many times I caught her giving her 'thank you speech'! It was amazing what she gave herself as an award - there were ornaments, drink bottles, there was a pencil case once and even some broccoli! She really did have an amazing imagination."

"The thing was her imagination was amazing, unless she was trying to come up with an excuse of not doing her homework. Then it was always 'the dog ate it' or 'the guinea pig ate it', which the teachers never believed even when it was true!" The two women laughed at this picture knowing it actually was true. Corran and Tycho were very cute but typically very hungry guinea pigs and had made the most of anything that lay on the floor when they were undertaking their daily constitutional round Kelly's bedroom. They actually did eat Kelly's homework more than once but apparently that wasn't an excuse for not handing it in, which always annoyed her somewhat. Of course it gave the girls something to tease her about, especially given her ability to make up amazing stories and situations, yet she never got away without doing her homework.

"You know they died three days after Kelly did, the guinea pigs that is," said Barbara, feeling the need to share this with Lindsay although she had no idea why.

"Really? How come?" Lindsay turned round to face Barbara again.

"I think they missed her. It was strange because in those three days after she died I had them to focus on. I know it sounds stupid but they were the last living things of Kelly's and I felt I had to keep them living. I think somehow they knew she wasn't coming back. Corran died first. Tycho died a few hours later. Max managed to get the funeral home to agree for their ashes to be buried with her. We had them cremated quickly once they died. I have no idea how and I still choose not to ask questions how Max managed to get it done. The thing is they are all together now as they should be."

Lindsay found she couldn't speak, overwhelmed with sadness rather than grief. It was strange to think that two furry animals died mourning the loss of their 'mum' even though Lindsay had seen it happen before but usually when guinea pigs mourned the loss of a friend. When she could finally speak again her voice was close to breaking as she struggled to hold back the tears. "She loved those pigs. She had photos of them in her locker and she would regale us with tales of their latest exploits and who was eating what! She was so funny and proud of them. I'm glad they're together. She would have liked that. Knowing her she's probably entertaining God with her Oscar winning performances, piggies at her feet and of course boring anyone who will listen about what they have done in the last hour!"

Barbara laughed at this picture and found she loved the images Lindsay was giving her of her daughter. Then she started crying for a totally different reason to Lindsay. She reached out her hand to hold onto Lindsay's hands again and paused as she attempted to calm herself down again.

"You know something Lindsay, as wonderful as it is to be able to talk about Kelly again, there are times like these when it is just so hard. I mean when I think of her looking after her guinea pigs I can't help but wonder what kind of mum she would have made, you know? If she would have been loving, caring, fun going, obsessive and concerned like me or laid back like her dad. And then it starts the pain again and I just want to crawl up into a ball and die. I never had any idea how painful this would all be even all these years later."

"Mum says you never get over it you just learn to live with it." Lindsay became lost in herself again when she stopped and thought about her mum. After three boys her parents had so desperately wanted a girl. Even Dave who spent a large part of Lindsay's life trying not to admit it, with no luck whatsoever because his daughter was the apple of his eye. There was no doubt to anyone that she was anything but wanted. Two months after Tony, her youngest brother, was born her mum became unexpectedly pregnant again. Dave and Eve were overjoyed with it, but then it turned to sorrow and loss when she lost the baby at twenty weeks. No one knew why but the baby girl she had been carrying just died. Dave and Eve were devastated especially when they found out it was a girl they lost. Peter and Jake were confused by their parents see-sawing emotions and behaviours and couldn't understand why the baby they had been promised was now not coming to see them. The family had always been open and honest about the baby girl, whom they had name Hope. It had seemed an appropriate name in the circumstances because Eve had always felt that she would have another daughter sometime. When Eve became pregnant a year later she took every precaution known to man and spent the best part of six months on limited activities trying to protect her child. When Lindsay was born it was the happiest day of hers and Dave's lives. It wasn't that they loved their sons any less, but having a baby after losing one was such an emotional and joyous moment that Lindsay was always the apple of everyone's eyes, but especially her dad and Jake. Lindsay and her mum had talked about the loss and coping with it a lot after the shooting, which is why combined with her own experience, she understood about more grief and the loss of a child.

Barbara looked at Lindsay shocked by her reply. It was a look that said 'I can never learn to live with it' combined with 'I want to kill you for even suggesting that because it was so stupid.' Lindsay sat on tenterhooks not sure what Barbara's reaction was going to be or whether she would be getting hit again sometime soon. The longer the silence went on the more worried Lindsay became and as subtly as she could she started to move away from Barbara and nearer to the gravestone. Barbara noticed her movements and looked confused at Lindsay.

"Why are you moving away from me? Have I done something wrong?" she watched Lindsay's expression change as she considered what answer to give and then it hit Barbara, "Oh my goodness. You think I'm going to hit you, don't you?" Lindsay didn't have to answer for Barbara to see in her face that she had hit the nail on the head. And embarrassment flooded her very being along with shame and the real need for yet another apology. Lindsay beat her to it.

"I'm sorry Barbara, I didn't mean to it's just that I, well I remembered last time and you were angry and I thought I had said something wrong and then I just didn't know and I was just so worried and... "

"Lindsay, stop and take a breath. Now!" Barbara found herself going back into 'mummy mode', something she hadn't done for nearly nine years. It startled both her and Lindsay, and then she found herself laughing with surprise and shock. Lindsay found herself joining in with the laughing and the tension that had been there a few moments previous dissipated with the laughter.

"Lindsay I am so sorry that thought I was going to hit you. I so wish I could undo my previous actions at our last meetings."

"Look Barbara," interrupted Lindsay, "don't worry about it. I really did understand that you were dealing with the grief in your own way. I get it. I really do. And you have nothing to apologise for."

"Lindsay Monroe!" started Barbara a lot more firmly than any of the conversation had been going since they met. "How dare you say it doesn't matter? You need to have respect for yourself. It does matter and I was wrong!" Barbara was verging on shouting not through anger but frustration at Lindsay's apparent self-worthlessness. And she couldn't help but feel guilty that she had played a part in Lindsay's perception of herself. She couldn't hide the fact that she did say rude and abusive things to Lindsay, as well as talking to people who didn't like the Monroe's or Lindsay, courtesy of their children. She had no idea why because the Monroe's were some of the most loving genuine people you could ever hope to meet. But then again, maybe that was the problem? People don't like people who are 'nice'. They like people who are controversial, take risks and back stab anyone who gets in their way. It was so incredibly unfair but sadly it was how it had worked. Apparently.

Barbara reached out to take Lindsay's hands with one of hers and with her other hand she reached out to touch Lindsay's cheek. She had tears slowly falling down her cheeks as she let the guilt eat away at her. Her voice softened as she started to speak again. "I am sorry because I can't help but feel responsible for how you see yourself. You are such an amazing young woman who has survived something so horrific, something that I almost let destroy me, and I wasn't even there. Don't you ever look down upon yourself again. Ever. I know I said some wicked things but Lindsay they weren't true. I was misdirecting my anger and grief at you because you were there and an easy target." Barbara took her hands away from Lindsay and clasped them together in her lap, her eyes looking down at her hands noticing how old they looked and how old she felt. She regained control of her emotions before starting from a totally different point, hoping that she could explain herself, apologise and build up Lindsay's self-esteem, if that were at all possible. She had a feeling that what she said wouldn't make a difference now, but maybe when Lindsay looked back on their meeting she would be able to see the positive.

"Do you remember our last meeting here?" Barbara looked up to see Lindsay nodding. Somehow she knew that she needed to remain silent and allow Barbara the opportunity to say something that was going to be very hard for her. "Do you remember Max's outburst?" Again Lindsay nodded. "I hated him you know. I thought he was a traitor siding with you and the girls' parents. Then he told me that he would leave me if things didn't change?" Yet more nodding. "Then we met outside Amanda's parent's restaurant and I was evil."

"No you weren't. You were grieving," insisted Lindsay.

Barbara looked up at Lindsay before speaking. "Can I ask you something, please?"

"Of course."

"Can I ask you not to speak? I need you to hear what I have to say without defending my actions. I was grieving but I was so far beyond the other side of wrong. I want to tell you some things because I owe you that. I owe you honest and love, Not the anger and hatred I have forced upon you over these last few years. Can you just listen? Please?" Barbara felt she was pleading as though she was begging for her life. She knew she didn't have the right to ask this from Lindsay but after many hours with the psychologist she knew she had to be open and honest now.

Lindsay looked at the older woman and reached out to touch her cheek. "I will try to keep as quiet as possible and I will listen. We both need to do this for Kelly and when you have finished can I say some things?"

Barbara moved one of her hands to place over Lindsay's, which was still on her cheek. "That sounds good. And maybe now is the time to tell you to get comfortable?"

Lindsay laughed, before laying down on her front, head resting on her arms, face turned towards Barbara. "I'm ready when you are."

"Do you know how we were told the girls' were dead?"

Lindsay shook her head.

"All four sets of us parents, of you girls that is, I believe Sarah's parents were told on their own, anyway we were sat in a conference room in the hospital. There was James and Mark. They had arranged for us to be picked up and taken there, where they were going to tell us everything that had happened. The only thing we knew for sure was that there had been an incident involving you four girls."

_Mark Donovan, the lead detective organised the pickup of the girls' parents - dead and alive. The hospital were being very sympathetic and accommodating and found a large, relatively private room for James and Mark to use. The hospital staff knew they might be needed once the families' lives were torn apart by the news of what happened in the diner. Each of the families arrived, one by one and waited for news of their children. James and Mark entered the room eight pairs of eyes focused on the two of them, full of fear and dread. James told them what they believed had happened but they were waiting for a witness to provide more details. _

_Kelly dad Max was the first to speak. "So, you're saying their dead? They are all dead?"_

_Mark and James looked at each other, having dreaded this question most, knowing that three sets of parents would want to why it wasn't their child who survived, then moving from devastation to anger and hurt, no doubt directing it irrationally to the Monroe's. James had lost the coin toss and took a deep breath before speaking. _

"_No." He paused taking another deep breath preparing to break three families hearts yet again and giving hope to the other. "There was one survivor." He stopped and looked at the parents, who were all focused on him. "Lindsay. Lindsay survived. She was... she was in the bathroom when it happened and stayed there until the bastard left."_

_Audible gasps of shock and pain could be heard as this extra bit of news was taken in by the parents. The room was suddenly filled with sounds grief and devastation. James silently asked the three nurses who had been stood waiting outside, to come in and help offer support to the distraught parents. _

_Eve stood up rapidly almost out of the door, Dave close on her heels, before she asked "Where is she? Where is my baby?" _

"It was strange, one moment there was no hope, then there was a tiny iota of hope and then that was it. All our hopes and dreams quashed. In an instant everything good in our lives was gone. Watching your mum and dad leaving to go and see you hurt so much. In some ways it was tougher than being told our children were dead because we hadn't seen them at that point and so it wasn't totally real. Then as Mark started to explain to us more about what they thought had occurred in the diner and everything that would need to be done afterwards, the anger started. I don't think I ever really had grief back then. I think it was all anger which bubbled up and over and then never really went away."

_Seven pairs of eyes watched as the Monroe's and James left the room. The atmosphere was strange. It should have been filled with grief but there were so many other emotions in there too. There was disbelief, heartbreak, loss and emptiness, anger, even nothing and the families tried to digest the words they had been told. It was a couple of minutes after the door had closed that Amanda's dad spoke. He was trying to understand what he had been told, trying to get Mark to admit if his daughter really was dead. _

"_Look I mean, I don't mean to be difficult, but are you saying that our daughter, well all our daughters are dead? Or are they just badly injured and they might come through it? I just really don't understand because I am still confused by what happened with the Monroe's. Can you explain? Please?"_

_Mark sat down, sighing deeply and very heavily. He felt as though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and he knew as he explained the whole story to these six parents before him the sky was going to fall in, their worlds come to an end and hope obliterated. Some days he really hated his job. Today was one of those days. He drank from the bottle of water he held in his hands and sighed deeply trying to work out exactly what to say. _

"_I can only tell you what we know from the scene at the diner and the small amount that Lindsay managed to say to the 911 operator. We will be talking to her again at some point but she is in shock. Deeply in shock and has completely withdrawn into herself at the moment. I'm telling you this because I'm not going to be able to give you all the answers you will want or need. At least not yet. It is going to be a long process to find all the answers and I know this will be beyond difficult for you all but can I ask for your patience? We will fill you in when we know more but right now it is very little. And I'm sorry about that in advance because I want nothing more than to give you the answers you need." He looked round at each of the six parents in turn, waiting for eye contact that acknowledged he had spoken, even though he doubted they heard or understood everything he had said. In turn they all nodded, and when he got to Barbara she hesitate a lot longer before nodding. Mark could feel anger building up with her already and knew that at some point soon she would blow, but for now she nodded, begrudgingly. _

"_The girls were spending time at the Bitterroot Diner, which I understand they have done many times before?" Mark looked up for confirmation and each of the parents nodded. It was where the girls nearly always went. Sarah, the waitress who was on duty at the time of the shooting would joke that they were a part of the furniture. "It appears that the only people on the diner were the four girls and Sarah the waitress. Lindsay says they were talking. She went to the bathroom to wash her hands. Whilst she was in there she heard the door bell, followed by four gunshots. The shooter didn't go into the bathroom. She then heard the door bell ring again and left the bathroom to find her friends and Sarah all shot. Lindsay then called 911."_

_Mark stopped to allow the parents' time to try and digest what he had just told them. It was just so unreal and wrong. How could it happen? It was a popular diner and there were always young people there. How did someone just walk in a start shooting? Why did someone do it? Who did it? Each of the six parents sat with their heads spinning with the information they had received, questions going round in their heads and not knowing quite what they were supposed to do at this moment in time. No one could speak and so after a few minutes Mark broke the silence again. _

"_Each of your daughters died from a single shotgun wound, as did Sarah the waitress."_

"_What about Lindsay?" asked Jeff, Amanda's dad._

"_As I said before, she was in the bathroom and he didn't enter that room. Physically she doesn't have any wounds." He stopped when he thought about her at the diner, trying to revive her friends and then in the hospital in her own silent world. 'How do you tell parents who had lost their children that the one who survived was alive but psychologically, well, she was likely to be damaged in some form for life. It would be of no consequence for these parents and maybe they would never understand what she had seen. What they would remember is that she survived. Maybe in the future they would be able to realise the effect this had on her but right now, all they would understand is that she lived. And she was the lucky one. 'If only they knew that it was their daughters who were the lucky ones. Even I won't forget this scene for a long time,' he thought. But he also knew he couldn't say that in a professional sense. Sometimes his job sucked even more than he had previously thought. Now was one of those times. Again._

_He took a deep breath and continued. "Lindsay is unhurt but she is traumatised and hasn't spoken since we left the scene to bring her here."_

"_What in the hell does she had to be traumatised about?" asked Barbara almost screaming at Mark. Her anger was about to come out head on and anyone in her way had better duck or change direction. _

"_Barbara, calm down. Think how you would feel if you saw your best friends murdered," said Max, trying to calm her down with the gentlest of touches. It didn't work._

"_She isn't dead so what the hell does she have to complain about?" Barbara stood up and started pacing the room, anger leaving every pore in her body. "It could be worse so much worse for her. She might not be here. People should understand how we feel knowing that we will never see or children again!"_

Barbara left the past, the tears flowing down her cheeks. She could feel the anger bubbling within her as she did then. But now she could also see the broken child before her. Now she finally understood what Mark said when he said she would be traumatised. Barbara looked at Lindsay who had listened quietly as Barbara explained how her anger had started. She could see the guilt which she wore and it had such a commanding presence on her behaviour and self esteem. Barbara wondered how to carry on explaining what had happened to her. The only way to do it was to be honest, not matter how hard it was going to be. And it would be hard, for both of them.

"The anger took over me," she started. "It became like a way of life and I could never seem to get past it in order to go through the other stages of grieving. I held onto the anger so tightly and the more I held onto it the more it became me, penetrating every cell in my body. I don't know how else to explain it." She looked up at Lindsay. "Does that make sense at all?"

"More than you realise," she whispered.

"Pardon?"

Lindsay looked up at Barbara and sighed, a loud, worried sigh full of hesitation and something else Barbara couldn't quite put her finger on. "I know what it's like to be angry. I spent nearly a year being angry. It was strange because I never really felt it before. Like you said, Dr Walker and everyone I knew told me I had to go through the stage of grieving before I could fully accept what had happened. Unlike you thought I bypassed anger for over five years, until after we met in the street, after the five year anniversary."

"I never knew. I'm so sorry and I'm sorry I did that to you."

"Oh no, don't be sorry. As it turns out, you screaming at me in the street was a good thing, because it started the cycle off. Along with a betraying friend and cheating boyfriend. I'm not saying it was good being so angry but it was essential. Sometimes you can only see how things are good for you afterwards, when all the pieces are laid out side by side."

"That is so true," agreed Barbara. "Those two meetings at the five year mark changed me too. Did you know Max left me?"

"I heard a rumour but didn't know if it was true or not. I mean I heard so many rumours about me that after a while I didn't know which ones were true or I just didn't listen to them either. They all sort of mixed up in my brain. I mean it's so easy for that to happen when you aren't thinking straight. Grief and anger will do that to you."

"That's one way of putting it. It's just been so much harder and more complicated than I ever could have imagined."

"What happened after we met?"

"Jeff and Ann called him up to tell him that I had screamed at you and he just started packing. I didn't know until I got home and he was just finishing the packing and taking photo albums of Kelly. Do you know at the time he was packing I was more furious that he had taken her photos than him leaving? It's so stupid and so selfish. I see that now. He is, was her father and therefore he has the right to take some but I was so absorbed that I couldn't see or hear anything else." Barbara paused trying not to hold onto that day. Although she was glad in many ways it happened she still hated to remember it. Watching her husband leave their home and then it left her alone. In a big house that had once been full of hope and happiness and was now filled with nothing. She could still feel the emptiness within her and wondered if it would ever be refilled back up to the top, just as it once was.

"I was so caught up in my grief I didn't see that he had the right to grieve either. It was as though I expected him to care of me and forget himself. When I stop and look back at those times I so hate myself and the person I was. I wish I had the ability to see outside me and my grief. Then I would have seen Max too and been able to support him. I even hated the other parents and believed their grief wasn't as valid as mine. God, I was so self absorbed."

Lindsay took a deep breath before speaking. "You do know that grief affects people differently? I would never have believed it until this happened and until Dr Walker told me repeatedly for nearly two years. I think we all become enclosed in our own grief bubble up at first and until we work out how we are going to move on we are trapped there. Sometimes we are angry, sometimes we are withdrawn, sometimes depressed but eventually somehow we are able to start moving forwards to the goal of acceptance. The problem is acceptance seems like the shittiest goal ever. I mean how can it be right to finally get around to accepting that someone you love is dead? That you are no longer going to see them again? That you realise life is carrying on and you have to carry on with it otherwise you are stuck in the time when they left this world." She stopped and looked at the stone again, once again tracing Kelly's name. A single tear fell down her cheek as she continued. "I was so adamant until I was in my second year of college that I would never enjoy life again nor would I want to live and achieve my goals because the three people I wanted and needed to share them with were no longer here, I would be lying if I said I still didn't feel that sometimes. It's why I had to come here today. I feel so tied to my past and I know it's a part of me and made me who I am but I don't know which is stronger. The pull of an exciting new life doing a job I love in a place I always wanted to live in or staying here." Lindsay paused and turned to face Barbara, "with the girls. You see it's why I get what you were saying. I think I deserve to stay here and I think I should here because if I go I am deserting them and letting them down. But then I'll feel the same if I go. And once again I am caught up in my own grief which feels like a ball and chain tied to my ankle. I doubt that I will ever be able to let it go."

Lindsay stopped and turned back to face the three stones before her. "I wish they would tell me what to do. Just so I don't have to make that decision because I am so tired and confused."

"They have told you. They told you for two years before they died. Kelly went on and on about what you were all going to do and where you were going to live. You were going to live in New York, working in the field of science in some form. I guess none of us could have imagined what field you would end up in, but the rest of it is right. You are going to fulfil the dream you have had since you were twelve years old Lindsay. Don't you dare let them down now and back out. That would be failing them. And you. You have done your hard time. You have suffered. Now is the time to start again and live your life as you should be. Happy and free, making friends, having lovers, finding love and then in time starting your own family." Barbara reached out to pull Lindsay up and then back to her, so she could put her arm round her shoulders before continuing.

"I will always live in regret that my daughter will never grow up, fall in love, get married and have children. But Lindsay, you are alive. Make the most of it and find the one person who is yours and yours only. Don't cut yourself off from the world in the guise of self-preservation or belief of betrayal. That never works, believe me I should know. And I'm fairly certain you know that too."

Lindsay suddenly remembered their original starting point of this part of their conversation, Max leaving. "Barbara, can I ask you a question, how and when did Max come back to you?"

"He left and stayed with Ann and Jeff. He actually ended up living with them for nearly eight months. He refused to come home unless I showed him that I could and would be willing to change and move on, becoming the person he fell in love with again. I hated him for that for the first month, and then I let the loneliness in. It was only at that point that I realised I really did need help and so I made an appointment with Dr Walker. I hated her for the first two months. I thought she was a nosey interfering old bat!"

"Me too" giggled Lindsay.

"But then she started to make sense. I don't know how or when but she did. And I started talking to her; I mean really talking to her, telling her stuff I had been holding onto for so long. Just like that the anger started to lift, kind of like the morning mist as the sun rises. With that I could see beyond the here and now. I could see the future. It wasn't what I had hoped it would be but there was a future which was something I had been hoping for would come along. Dr Walker asked me to consider having some sessions with Max too. They were awkward at first, we didn't know what to say to each other which was odd seeing as he had been my best friend and confidant for over twenty years. Yet we managed to start talking. Then dating. It was like when we first met each other in high school. We would go out for a meal, to see a film, even just for a walk. We started talking again and rediscovering who we were after Kelly's death. I'd love to say we are the same, but like you we're not. But we did manage to see the good in each other again which was reassuring and warming. Of course then there were the times when he told me how selfish, rude and offensive I had been after Kelly died. I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard to hear but I had to otherwise we would have never been able to move forwards." She stopped as she fought with the internal pain of what this conversation was doing to her, but knew she needed, no had to continue. For her and for Lindsay. So she took a breath and continued, "Max asked me to marry him again, seven months after he moved out. He said we could renew our vows and show that we are a united front again and that we do love each other despite what has gone before us. I agreed and four weeks later, after continuing our dating, he moved in."

"When did you renew your vows?" asked Lindsay curious about this and finding that her hope had been reignited within her.

Barbara stopped and searched in her handbag for something. Whatever she had lost had disappeared into the ether, that invisible place in your handbag where the things you need vanish into. Today was a lucky day, some more searching and she pulled out an envelope, with a "Yes!" as it came out of the darkness.

"You OK?" asked Lindsay confused by what was happening.

"Oh yes I'm fine. Even better now I have actually managed to find what I was looking for and needed." She turned towards Lindsay and held out the envelope. "These are the photos of our ceremony. We did it a couple of months after he moved in. It seemed the right time and we were both certain it was the right thing to do."

Lindsay took it and removed the photographs. She looked at them seeing the serenity on Barbara's face which was strange having seen her so hard and angry for years. In the pictures she looked like Kelly's mum. Her second mum as she had once called her. "You look so beautiful and happy. Both of you. You remind me of when I used to spend half my life with you! Isn't this your wedding dress?"

"It was," said Barbara. "I hadn't been able to wear it for years and I had kept it because Kelly said she always wanted to wear it. I always hoped she would too. I tried it on one day just to see and it fitted. In fact it was a little too loose. I had lost a lot of weight over since the shooting. It seemed to be the right thing to wear. I mean Kelly would never wear it and I think she would have been happy to know it didn't sit in a box all the time. I kind of felt she was with me, especially as she had worn the dress so often over the years."

Lindsay couldn't help but cry. She hadn't wanted to cry again but the pictures reminded her of all the times she and Kelly had spent trying on their mother's wedding dresses. They had been such carefree, innocent times full of laughter and the future. She was feeling something she couldn't put into words. On one hand she was filled with joy at remembering the times she had spent with her friends, on the other there was sorrow, knowing her friend could never marry herself, especially as she had been adamant that she would wear her mother's wedding dress; then there was hope. Hope for her own future. Maybe she would eventually find someone who would love her just as she was, damaged yet strangely whole just different to other people; and then there was the anger. Anger at how one person could walk into a diner and destroy so many people's lives without disregard for anyone; and then the loneliness hit her. She had never had friends like the girls since the shooting. Lindsay knew a couple of people at high school, who she regarded as friends but really she kept them at arm's length. After Lizzie and Corey and that debacle, she made friends. Good friends and she kept in touch with a couple of them still, but she had never allowed herself to have that intimate connection with another person, not in a sexual sense, but in a 'I know everything there ever is to know about you' kind of way. Suddenly she started to hyperventilate. The emotions had made her start panicking and she couldn't breathe. Barbara dropped the photo and instantly became her stand in mother, reassuring her, whispering words of comfort and telling her how to breathe, long, slow deep breaths. It took nearly twenty minutes before she regained control over her body again.

"I'm sorry" said Lindsay, so quietly and softly that Barbara almost wondered if she had imagined her talking but she decided to take her chance and respond just in case she had spoken.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I understand the weight of the emotions and how they can cripple you in an instant. But you're OK now. You're here and safe, just as the girls are safe in heaven." Barbara held Lindsay tight and rocked her softly as she cried. Barbara allowed her own tears to fall silently down her cheeks as she realised the girl she once regarded as a second daughter was letting go of some of her sadness. She was releasing her death grip on the past and the hold the girls' death had had on her for the last nine years. And the tears fell and Lindsay's body shook as the anger, hatred, loneliness and grief were finally allowed to leave her. Neither woman could say how long they had been sat together crying and then sitting in silence, their body language and touch reassuring each other that they would both be alright, eventually. They sat, with Barbara holding Lindsay and Lindsay staring at the three stones in front of her, the stones that told people where her three friend's bodies lay, resting together, free from pain and suffering. She was silently telling each of them 'goodbye' and remembering events throughout their lives, both happy and sad, but they all deserved to be remembered.

_**Lastly a huge thank you to Brina who has been there for me and cheered me on whenever I need it. *Huge hugs* girly :D**_


	15. Chapter 15

**Thank you to everyone who is reading & reviewing this little monologue of mine. I really do appreciate it. Even when you make me cry**

**I still only own my dvd's. Nothing more**

"Lindsay? Barbara?" Came a questioning, very surprised and worried voice, gradually drawing nearer as the figure walked towards the stones.

"Eve?" asked Barbara, shocked and distracted by her arrival. The two women had seen and spoken to each other over the years in passing, more since Barbara had started her therapy four years previously, but it had remained uneasy, largely due to the fact that there was this chasm of unforgiving anger that lay between them. Well, it was more a one-sided well deserved kind of anger but to Barbara that wasn't a surprise and she wasn't going to not let Eve say her piece when the time was right. She owed her at least that much. Eve couldn't believe that the woman who, at one point, had openly admitted her hatred of her daughter, was now sat in a position that represented love, support and comfort. Confusion was definitely the order of the day.

Eve stood transfixed at the sight before her, her mouth opening and closing as she struggled with finding the right words. No, she struggled to find any words to say. She had so many differing emotions coursing through her and so many words going through her mind but still she couldn't move or speak. Eventually she managed to say something.

"You and you" she said pointing between Lindsay and Barbara, "and no hitting or shouting?" Once she had finished talking she wished she had kept her mouth shut because what she said made her sound like a moron. Her own question was answered by watching the two of them sat together.

"Hi mum," said Lindsay as she too regained the ability to talk again. "Um, you don't mind do you?" she asked wondering if her mum's reaction was due to the fact that it was Barbara who had been comforting her.

"What? Of course I don't mind? Why would I mind?"

"Oh no reason, I just wondered. That's all." Lindsay said shrugging her shoulders and hoping to have sounded nonchalant. It didn't work though.

"Lindsay Monroe! Stop those thoughts right now!" started her mother.

"What thoughts?" she asked, trying to act confused and failing miserably.

"The ones that are wondering if it is OK for me to be holding you like this" continued Barbara.

"Yes, and those followed by am I angry with you? Of course I'm not why would I be?" finished Eve.

Lindsay meanwhile tried to wonder how and when her and Kelly's mum had restarted their team tagging telling off situation that was going on right now. She suddenly felt transported back to two weeks before the shooting at a family barbeque, with all four girls and their parents present.

_The girls had been camping out in one of the Monroe's fields overnight. Far enough away from the house to allow everyone there to sleep yet near enough in case there was an emergency or a bathroom break or even another kitchen raid. It had been a long night full of teenage giggling, stupidity and far too much chocolate consumed to be considered healthy. Or legal. And like large quantities of alcohol that had been consumed the night before the girls were all still on a sugar high, complete with a sugar hangover. So they figured the best way to recover was yet more chocolate. Before and after a cooked breakfast made by Eve. James, when he arrived later in the day for the food would say that the girls had blood present in their sugar and that it should in fact be illegal to consume that much chocolate in less than twenty four hours. It was inevitable that trouble lay ahead. And it started mid-morning, once the girls had finally dressed and almost packed up the tent._

"_Lindsay!" screamed Amanda, trying desperately to fold the tent up whilst her counterpart drooled over her brother Tony's friend Matt, who had just arrived for the festivities later that day. Lindsay didn't hear Amanda and instead of turning to face her and help folding up the tent turned round the opposite direction ever more to check out Matt's butt as he walked in the house. She was still holding the tent and so as she turned away she pulled Amanda who then went flying over the tent, lost her balance, fell flat on her face in front of Lindsay. Lindsay, Rose and Kelly all burst out laughing a little too loudly as it turned out because Tony, Matt and Eve came out of the house to see what was going on. The whole scene was also witnessed by Dave and Peter who happened to walk out of the barn at this exact moment in time. All five witnesses then saw Amanda grab Lindsay's leg causing her to fall and land in a very large and very muddy puddle. Lindsay's friends would have laughed at Lindsay had it not been for the fact that they got covered in the dirty water displaced by Lindsay's ungraceful landing. Instead they turned to look at the audience who were all doubled over at the sight which had played out before them. The girls decided that laughter was apparently the way to go, rapidly followed by playing in the puddle. Soon they were all wet and muddy. Their audience had obviously had enough because once the childish antics began they dispersed going their separate ways. Except Eve who shouted at them to use the shower room before entering the house, then she too went off to finish her chores. _

_The girls eventually stopped and then started on the argument over who was showering first. Lindsay soon got bored of the argument and turned, running towards the house to get to the shower first, leaving her friends cursing her and plotting their revenge. Which, as it turned out, would be implemented later that afternoon. _

_The barbeque had been in full swing for a couple of hours. Apart from the four friends there were also their parents, Lindsay's brothers Peter, Jake and Tony and four of their friends and finally James, Sarah and their daughter Hannah. There was no reason for the get together, apart from the fact that for the first time in a month it was dry after a week of rain the families hadn't spent time together for a couple of months due to work and other commitments. The sun was shining, the men were working the barbeque, walking round with their chests puffed out and congratulating themselves on a job well done. The women had been relegated to the kitchen and were preparing the salads and side dishes, as well as trying to keep some sort of order in the house, and apparently outside as it seemed the men were incapable at this present time of thinking of anything other than cooking the meat. Lindsay's brothers and their friends were taking cooking tips from the men at the barbeque and teasing the girls in equal proportions. And the girls were drooling over the boys whilst still on a sugar high, Along with their high-pitched voices and the screaming they emitted at regular intervals, usually accompanied by large amounts of manic laughter. Everyone knew where they were most of the time. For some unknown reason the four friends had decided that today there was dress code of dance wear. Rose was in her ballet clothes, Kelly had decided to go for flamenco, Amanda went for tap and Lindsay was a line dancer. They spent large amounts of time dancing in the barn, much to Kelly and Rose's disgust, both of whom would have preferred to perform for the audience that was outside. Amanda and to a lesser degree Lindsay had both argued against it saying they had some sort of credibility to maintain. Of course, unbeknownst to the girls Lindsay's brothers had also managed to take some photos of the unsuspecting girls in all their sugar-hyped lunacy. _

_Rose was trying to teach Amanda and Lindsay yet another tap dance, much to their disgust. The two girls were exhausted and Amanda claimed that she needed to return to the house and at least look at a book because she was starting to suffer from withdrawal symptoms. Lindsay in an overly dramatic display of exhaustion 'fell' onto a bale of hay, although she managed to misjudge her fall and the position of the bale and instead of lying along it she fell over the width of it, landing with a very unladylike curse. She was rewarded with a round of laughter and squeals and then her dad's voice._

"_Don't you think you girls should come out and enjoy the sunshine? And more importantly leave my horses alone? They have suffered more than their fair share of your squeals and now ask for peace and quiet." The girls all stood and looked at him wondering if this was just a suggestion before they burst out in manic laughter again. Apparently it was not. "Now!" Dave pointed his hand towards the exit and the girls left in yet another round of laughter and squeals and Dave wondered if it was at all possible to keep them away from the desserts. Probably for the next week or two. He smiled and then he too exited the barn._

_The afternoon was unexpectedly hotter than the weather report had predicted. The adults had found the shade. The boys were off somewhere quite possibly doing something they shouldn't. The girls, well they were still squealing, louder than before having eaten approximately half of the desserts both in and out of the house. James was by this time, now claiming that all blood had been expelled from their body and only sugar was flowing through their veins. They had also now changed into more appropriate clothing, swimsuits and shorts. Lindsay suggested getting the hose out and filling the old paddling pool they had, so they could at least cool off their feet. Kelly suggested using the hosepipe and a plan was formulated and was put in action. The hose and outside tap was by Lindsay's mum flower bed. It was Eve's pride and joy and she found it relaxing after being a ranch wife and raising four children and a husband. If there was one thing she hated more than anything, it was her beloved flowers being damaged in any way or by anything. The slugs would have testified to that. Had they still been alive. _

_So the four girls turned on the water and spent time splashing and wetting each other and enjoying pretending that they were at the beach, mostly thanks to Rose and Kelly's narratives. They spent half an hour enjoying the sunshine and each other's company. Unbeknownst to Lindsay, Kelly had formulated a plan with the help of Lindsay's brother Jake, who was also trying to exact his revenge on his little sister after she got him into trouble the week before. _

"_Hey girls! Looking good!" called Jake as he walked round the house. "Well, except you sis!" _

_Lindsay decided to get back at her brother for his remark and so she snatched the hose out of Kelly's hand, little knowing that she had just been set up. Without hesitating she sprayed her brother, and her mum's flowers, drowning them in the process and flattening them even more when Kelly turned the water up. A minute later her mum walked round the side of the house in search of the girls who had become much quieter than they had been since they met up the day before. Never a good sign. At any age of their lives. In fact it was worse the older they got as they always seemed to be upping themselves every time they got into trouble. Along with Eve came Barbara, Ann and Janet, all too suspicious of the quiet and wondering if their daughters had plummeted after their nearly thirty hour sugar high. Instead of being greeted with words, Eve found herself being soaked with a very high spray of water. Barbara, Ann and Janet didn't escape being drenched either._

_Lindsay stood shocked by the appearance of her mum and the mother's of her friends. Unfortunately she didn't lower the hose at first and ended up soaking the mothers and the flowers even more than they already were. Much to her embarrassment. It was Amanda who lowered the hose. Once she spotted her mum stood, silently fuming. Kelly turned the hose off, trying to hold back from laughing at the situation that was before her. At least until she saw the look her mum was giving her and then she wished the ground would open up. Right there in the Monroe's front yard. Possibly in Mrs Monroe's flower garden, she wasn't really bothered at this point. Anything to avoid the inevitable trouble that was coming all their ways. _

_Lindsay first._

"_Lindsay Monroe!" shouted Eve."What do you think you are doing__?"_

"_And tell me why are you destroying your mum's flowers?" asked Barbara joining in. _

"_And why are we all stood here wet?" asked Ann. Apparently it was a mother's free for all._

_Lindsay stood shell shocked wondering how and why this had all gone downhill so quickly. Once the water finally stopped she dropped the hose, still too stunned to speak, lower jaw on the floor. _

"_Lindsay?" asked her mum, more gently this time. _

"_Well, um I'm sorry?" she tried lamely. "I didn't mean to but Jake said something that annoyed me and I didn't know you were there and then I..."_

"_Lindsay, you need to breathe before you pass out," encouraged Barbara. _

"_But you are still not off the hook" said her mum._

"_What is this all about?" asked Barbara again._

_It appeared the sugar rush had suddenly worn off and Lindsay was now experiencing nausea partially because of the drop in her blood sugar now, or at least the excess of blood now flowing in her veins, as opposed to the ninety nine percent sugar there had been there earlier. The other reason she was nauseous was because she had four very unhappy mother's stood before her and it was looking more likely that there was no way out of this, "Oh crap," she muttered under her breath._

"_Lindsay! Language!" came a chorus of four mums, only worsening her embarrassment and no doubt her punishment. Lindsay couldn't help but inwardly groan as it occurred to her that she was now in very big trouble and the punishment would no doubt be harsh. Probably working for her dad with no financial reward. Or the girls wouldn't be allowed to come over for a suitably long length of time or she would have to clean the whole house or muck out all the horses or...? Her thought processes were interrupted by something she didn't see coming. _

"_Kelly Parker! What did you do?" asked Janet, joining in this conversation. The mums knew each other's children as well as their own and so seeing Kelly trying to hold onto the laughter which so desperately wanted and needed to leave her body. She was almost certainly the ringleader of this whole debacle on this occasion. _

_Barbara turned to face her daughter, the laughter exchanged for fear and worry and she could see her daughter trying to work out how to pass the buck. Possibly to Jake? Kelly thought that maybe one day he wouldn't be stupid enough to team up with her but not today because he was going down with her. If she couldn't talk herself out of this that was. _

"_Me? I didn't do anything? I'm just standing here!" Said Kelly trying to sound and look innocent. And failing miserably. _

"_Kelly, don't do that innocent thing with us," said Ann, before Eve took over._

"_We all know you. Each and every one of you and I'm guessing right about now you are trying to work out how to talk yourselves out of this."_

"_Except Lindsay who is trying to work out what is going on," added Barbara._

_Lindsay kept looking between the mothers and her friends and then it hit her. Right in the face. Hard. "Kelly!" she practically screamed. "Why did you want to get me in trouble?"_

"_Why" she asked, her volume increasing to match Lindsay's. "I didn't do anything!"_

"_Liar!"_

"_Am not!"_

"_Are too!"_

"_Am not!"_

"_Are!"_

"_Not!"_

"_Are!"_

"_Not!"_

"_How old are you two?" asked Eve, amused by the scene playing out in front of her. If she was honest after three boys she loved to watch her daughter grow up and watching her 'argue' with her best friend was always one of the funniest things. Ever. She couldn't wait for her one and only daughter to meet someone, fall in love and marry, as she had a whole lifetime of embarrassing stories for her future husband. Pictures too. And knowing Lindsay she had no doubt there would be a lot more to come in the future._

"_OK, who wants to tell us what happened?" asked Barbara._

"_And Jake?" called Ann, "Don't think we don't know you are there and trying to sneak off. Get back here."_

"_Now!" said his mum firmly. He knew it wasn't optional._

_Now Jake stood in front of the four very soggy mums and wondering how to get back at Kelly one day. For now he decided to go with playing it cool. Well, trying to play it cool was more accurate but there was a very slim chance he might talk himself out of this. If he was in an alternate universe. For now though, he took a deep breath and started. "Look mum, I had nothing to do with this. I just walked past, told the girls they looked good, except Lindsay. She then decided to be incredibly grown up as she is, then she soaked me." He stopped and looked at the four wet women. "And it seems she decided to not stop with me but get you guys wet too. You know Lindsay always into trouble and causing chaos."_

_Little did Jake know he had almost gotten away with it, until he added the last two sentences. That was a dead giveaway. Lindsay did have her fair share of troubles but she wasn't stupid enough to do anything to the parents. Siblings were fair game. So were their friends if necessary. Parents however were strictly forbidden. The light bulb went on in Jake's head and he uttered, "Oh shit!" _

_Instead of a verbal reprimand he found himself on the receiving end of a slap round the ear from James, who had managed to sneak up behind him._

"_Hey! What was that for?" asked Jake, rubbing his ear which was stinging and red._

"_That was for saying 'shit'. Now apologise or I'll give you a matching pair," said James. If there was one thing he believed in with all his heart, it was that children should respect their elders and that included swearing in their presence. Jake mumbled a sort of apology which did result in the promised matching pair of red ears. That did the trick._

"_Look I'm sorry for swearing. I just realised I had said too much and that you knew I was involved." He stopped and looked first at his own mum, before looking at the other three. "But as much as I was involved, mostly because of Lindsay getting us all in trouble last week..."_

"_Hey! I object to that! I did not get you in trouble."_

"_Yes you did. I'm talking about the incident with the hedge trimmer, the hedge and the honeysuckle. Why you can't take the blame for your own stupidity?" _

"_Because it's more fun this way and I got to watch you three squirm!"_

_Lindsay suddenly felt two hands resting on her shoulders. "Well, now the truth has come out about that you have an appointment with some dirty stalls for the next week. And that includes scrubbing them all out of me. They are overdue a good cleaning and thank you for volunteering," said her dad, the smile on his face evident for Lindsay even though she couldn't see his face._

"_What is it? Pick on Lindsay day? What did I do wrong? And especially to you guys?" she said very pointedly, looking at each of her friends in turn._

"_Well," started Amanda._

_Rose interrupted and carried on. "You used all the hot water this morning," she said rather smugly._

"_No I didn't!" replied Lindsay as indignantly as humanly possible for a fourteen year old. _

"_You did!" said Kelly, talking even more smugly than Rose._

"_No she didn't use all the hot water," came a quiet voice from within the group. Everyone turned to look at Jake who was, like Kelly had been willing to happen a few minutes previous, praying for the ground to open up and take him whole. On the days when Jake was being really honest with himself he would admit to loving his sister more than his two brothers. That said he didn't mind getting her in trouble, especially when she had been involved or annoying him. However, on times like today when his sister hadn't done anything wrong and he really wasn't sure she deserved the punishment her dad had felt fit to give her, especially as Lindsay had only started "hedge-gate" as the four siblings had affectionately names the incident. Their parents on the other hand had chosen to call the event "death of the honeysuckle" day. Either way, Lindsay did only start it. Her brothers had ensured the honeysuckle's demise and proven that they were, in fact, useless at topiary. Mind you he also wasn't willing to say that out loud for fear of it all being put upon his shoulders and unlike his sister and brothers Jake was not a huge fan of horses, preferring his feet to be on the ground. So landing himself in large piles of horse muck was to be avoided at all times, even if it did result in his sister taking the blame. Jake was quick on his feet though and decided that he would in fact save his sister. This time. Her friends, however, were fair game. If he was being honest taking them down was always more fun because rarely did their revenge reach the standards of Lindsay's. Nor did they end up landing him in trouble. Unlike his baby sister. _

"_I used all the hot water. Not Lindsay. You guys were too slow and so when she was finished in the shower I jumped in." He looked at Kelly and the girls with a grin lighting up the whole of his face. "You snooze, you lose. Sorry!" His voice did not contain one ounce of remorse and this was confirmed with his next statement. "Mum, I can't lie. Kelly came up to me to ask for help getting Lindsay back and after Linds was a pain last week I was willing to play a small role, but it was all the girls." If Jake was being honest he was enjoying this a little too much. And his mum could see right through his behaviour. She was now going to enjoy this next part of the conversation, when Barbara jumped in first with exactly the same thoughts. _

"_Maybe we should have Lindsay released from stable duty and have Jake take her place?" Barbara turned to Eve for confirmation._

"_Oh yes, I agree. And Kelly and the girls too?"_

"_Yes. I'm happy with that. Janet? Ann?"_

"_No arguments here!" said Ann._

_Janet came up with quite possibly the worst suggestion of the day. For the guilty parties that was. "What about two weeks rather than one week? Dave, how does that sound to you?"_

"_Excellent. I expect you all bright and early in the morning! You all know the drill!" With that the parents all left chattering amongst themselves, the kids wondering what in the world had just happened and Lindsay very grateful for actually having kept her mouth shut. For once. She would soon wish she had kept it shut, after she spoke again._

"_Thanks guys! I can now spend the next fortnight riding instead of mucking out. You are the best friends and brother a person could ever ask for!"_

_With that Jake picked her up, carried her over to the very wet and muddy flowerbed and dropped her in a very large puddle. Jake walked away laughing and Lindsay let out a string of curses, which by some luck of the gods any of the parents hadn't heard. Her friends were doubling over in fits of laughter and as the shock wore off Lindsay joined in. She stood up and started to walk to the house for her second shower of the day. Just before she got to the house she turned to her friends and shouted._

"_Hey! Me being dropped in a puddle was funny but at least when I have my shower I will be all clean again and it's over and done with. You on the other hand have two weeks of horses' crap!" With that she ran in the bathroom, and could hear the cursing from her friends. Followed by the threat of an additional week added to their sentence if their language didn't improve, along with Lindsay's guaranteed presence for one of those weeks for inciting them. She was still smiling as she steeped in the shower. Mucking out the horses was nothing new for her and she would have a lot of help, so a week's worth of 'punishment' could actually be fun and she couldn't wait to hear the grumbling from her friends later!_

"Lindsay? Lindsay? You OK?" Lindsay could hear her mum's voice in the background as she trekked down memory lane again.

"What do you think she's thinking about?" Barbara asked Eve.

"Who knows," replied her mum. "I think with her imminent departure we've all been going down memory lane. You know thinking and remembering stuff from over the years, mostly since..." Eve's voice trailed off.

"Since the shooting?" asked Barbara. "Don't worry. You can talk about it now without me flying off the handle. Dr Walker really is a genius."

"I hear you there sister!" and the two women looked at each other and started giggling like schoolgirls. Lindsay turned round to look at her mother and her friend and suddenly felt a sting of emotion in her chest as it occurred to her that she would never have the opportunity to have a friendship like her mum and Barbara. Two people who had known each other since birth. That and the realisation that the last day of her friends' punishment was, in fact, only thirty hours before their deaths and a new wave of tears started. The two mothers stopped their giggling when they heard the cries of someone in pain. Eve was sat next to Lindsay by now. Barbara sat by Lindsay's legs, facing Lindsay. Both women started to comfort Lindsay, only for the tears to increase rather than decrease for a time. The mothers' shed their own tears, fewer in number, but they were those that were caused by watching your child or someone you love in such pain. All they could do was wait until the tears ceased.

Eventually the tears subsided and Lindsay was the first to speak.

"I never knew it was possible to cry this much," she said, still continuing with the post-crying sniffing, as she and Barbara had long since finished their supply of tissues. Eve reached into her pocket and handed her a new packet of tissues.

"I could have told you how much a person can cry," said Barbara taking a breath before continuing, "in the right circumstances anyway!"

Eve let out a short, sharp laugh. "Barb, you're not wrong there. Linds honey, trust us when we both say we have cried at least an ocean, never mind a river."

"And that's each, not between us," agreed Barbara, with her own sharp laugh.

Lindsay sat upright, her eyes still red and sore from crying. She was fairly certain she looked a right state, but she was actually more interested in watching the reactions of her mother and Barbara to what they had just told her. Both of the older women looked as though they were lost in their own thoughts, much as she had been earlier and she decided the best thing to do was wait and let them come back to reality when they were ready. So she turned her attention back to the stones of her three friends and briefly remembered that last family gathering. She was suddenly pleased that in amongst the unhappy memory of the shooting and the days, weeks, months afterwards she also had some wonderful memories that were actually able to float up to the surface. Even if it was only once in a while. Lindsay sat and wondered if when she finally left Montana for good which of the two kinds of memories would be mostly accessible. 'In other words,' she thought to herself, 'will I truly ever be able to forget what happened that fateful day? Will my life ever be normal like everyone else's?'

"Linds? You OK honey?" asked a concerned Barbara. She could see that Lindsay was in a very thought provoking place and she was experiencing a tough internal debate. Maybe another perspective might just help her out.

"Yeah Barbara. Thanks," she said not turning away from the stones. "Just thinking that I can finally have some good memories." She finally managed to turn her gaze back to Barbara and her mum. "I don't mean that I have never had good memories. It's just that now they are coming out. You know, things that happened and we did together. It's good because I'm not just remembering the last night we spent together." Lindsay's voice drifted off as she allowed that fateful night to come back into her memory. However it hit her full on and suddenly she stood up and bolted to the edge of the cemetery, where it joined onto a neighbouring wheat field. Lindsay climbed over the wall and started vomiting, hard and she didn't stop until her stomach was well and truly empty. Not that there was much there to dispel. Panting from the exertion, her stomach still having spasms as it recovered from emptying the contents, Lindsay held onto the wall to keep her balance. Two hands reached out to touch her, reminding her that she wasn't alone.

"Lindsay, honey? You need to climb back over here because neither of us can climb over to where you are. Please?" said her mother, concern evident in her voice.

Somehow Lindsay managed to climb back over the wall and she almost collapsed as her body sank to the ground.

"I want to go home now. "She whispered her voice barely audible.

"OK, I'm going to get my car and drive slightly nearer," Barbara announced and already walking off. She stopped and turned round before speaking again. "Is it OK with you Lindsay? Me taking you home?"

Lindsay nodded her head although the movement increased the pain in her head. She closed her eyes and could see the blood leaving her friends bodies again, causing nausea to build up until the pressure had to be released. She rolled to the side, on her hands and knees and retched, her stomach attempting to relieve itself of everything that it had ever taken in, although it was far too late as it was well and truly empty now but still the retching continued. Her mum rubbed her back and Eve told her she would get Barbara to take them home and when Lindsay paused to take a breath she asked about her truck and her mum's car. Eve said she would send her dad and brother out to collect them later, and Lindsay allowed herself to forget about the truck as her stomach attempted to empty itself further.

Barbara parked as near as she could and between them the two women helped Lindsay into the car. Lindsay felt weak, light headed and in pain from all the vomiting and retching. She was sweaty from the exertion and her hands were lightly shaking from a drop in her blood sugar. Her head was pounding now and as she lay on the back seat of the car, she closed her eyes and rested her head on her mum's lap. Eve gently stroked her daughter's hair and she found herself as she was nine years earlier, trying to bring her daughter back round to reality. Eve could see that Lindsay was already starting to close herself off, mostly to hold back the nausea that she was still dimly aware of but also partially as she fought with the memories that were pushing their way back into her head. Eve found herself trying to hold onto her tears and prayed that Barbara would be back at the ranch in the next couple of minutes because she was definitely about to start sobbing too.

They reached the ranch within record time. Barbara was thankful that there were no cops around as she floored the accelerator knowing that the three of them needed to get out of the moving vehicle as soon as possible. By the time they had reached the ranch the movement of the car had lulled Lindsay into sleep. Barbara got out and went into the house via the back door. In the kitchen she was met with a very surprised Dave and Peter who did their best impressions of two surprised goldfishes.

"Have no fear guys, I haven't done anything to Lindsay. She's in the car asleep and we need help to get her in, please."

"We?" asked Peter, confusion evident on his face.

"You and Lindsay?" questioned Dave.

"Yes, me and Eve. Lindsay is fine, asleep on the back seat of the car and someone needs to carry her in because Eve and I can't do it." The two men still sat watching Barbara the facts that they had been given apparently still going well over their heads. "Please? Now?"

Finally it hit Dave that his baby girl was in the car and needed carrying into the house. He stood to make his way to the back door. Stopping just before he exited the house to look at Barbara. "You made up?"

"Yeah, we made up. We 'me and Lindsay'. Apologies, tears, everything."

"That's good." Dave started to leave the house before stopping again. He didn't turn this time as he spoke. "Thank you Barbara, she's a good girl and needed your apology and understanding." With that he strode down the steps to the car.

Forgetting that Peter was still in the room Barbara spoke to what she thought was herself. "You're welcome. I just wished I'd done it years ago."

"Yeah but you know what they say Barbara, better late than never" said Peter, standing to make sure the doors to the lounge were open. "Just do us a favour though?"

"Sure. What do you need?" she asked as her heartbeat returned to normal after the shock it went into as Peter spoke

Peter walked up to her, kissing her on the cheek before saying, "don't hurt her again, please? She doesn't deserve it and she's a really good person. Better than the rest of us all put together. She's the one who has made sure we never said anything bad about you or anyone else. Through all the bad stuff she's gone through and especially the rumours she's managed to understand how and why people have behaved as they did. None of us know how and why she has been able to do it but she has. She's given us faith in people again. Please, don't destroy it because I think it might break her totally and there might be no coming back next time. OK?" he asked holding his hand out to Barbara, asking her to shake it and seal their deal.

"Deal," she said, shaking Peter's hand before pulling him into a hug.

"Mummy missed you too, even dad and us boys" Peter whispered.

Barbara let a couple of tears fall down her cheeks just before they heard the car doors close. Barbara turned round to make tea and coffee for everyone, knowing that there would be a lot of talking to come, especially between her and Eve. Both women had a lot to say and she suddenly felt very nervous as she knew the time for her to apologise, really apologise from deep within her, for her actions to everyone but especially Lindsay. Barbara stood looking out of the window above the sink looking out at Eve's flower beds and tried to compose herself as she tried to formulate a plan for about what to say to the family, where to start, how to apologise, what does she say or omit, should she omit anything, is honesty the way to go? And the thoughts went on and on and she became more confused and nervous until her hands were visibly shaking and she had to actually hold onto the sides to stop herself from falling. Barbara didn't hear anyone approach her or see them in the window's reflection, until she felt a pair of hands on her shoulders.

"Barb, calm down. We don't bite, well as long as it's not an hour before feeding time!"

Instead of feeling calmer Barbara felt herself getting more worked up and the shaking increased, knowing that the one conversation she dreaded most was about to start. The one where she heard what had happened to Lindsay and the family. It would be hard. It would hurt. But the Monroe's deserved to be heard. She owed them that much. And she knew she needed to hear it in order to put her own reactions to the shooting into some semblance of perspective.

Dave squeezed her shoulders and turned her round, whilst Eve took over preparing the drinks and food for herself and Barbara. Dave continued to speak.

"We get it, OK? One thing we have always understood is that you have been grieving. Lindsay always made sure we never forgot it!" he tried to reassure her with a small smile. "If I'm honest I have been angry at some of your behaviours and actions but they can't be undone. What's important now are the decisions you make now. And the path you decide to walk down."

Dave guided her to the table and sat her down. Eve magically produced sandwiches and cake and a selection of drinks and fruit, so the table looked like it was prepared for a banquet. Barbara had forgotten how Eve could do that in such a short space of time and without seeing anything being done.

Eve sat down at the table.

"Right eat. I know you and Lindsay didn't eat as much as you could have done as the bag of food has been hardly touched. Now whilst you eat I want to tell you something, OK?" Eve's tone was that of a mother who was going to talk and be heard whether you liked it or not. Barbara picked up on that tone but she also knew she was about to listen to the Monroe's side of the events over the last nine years. She picked up a plate of food and starting eating, finding herself surprisingly hungrier than she thought she was. And whilst she ate, Dave and Eve told her what had happened to their family after the shooting and how their lives had been broken as much as hers.

**As usual my eternal thanks to Brina, who keeps me in check and smiling, even when the going gets tough. And who has read every version of this. A lot of words & time. You rock girly!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Thank you to everyone who has read & reviewed this story. I really do appreciate it. **

**I still own nothing except my dvds. Maybe one day in an alternate universe...**

_After they had left the three other sets of devastated parents with mark in the conference room, James Lawson, the lead CSI took Eve and Dave to Lindsay who was in a private room, easily identified by the visible police presence outside. Eve took the door handle in her hand and stopped, her hands trembling, terrified at what she might see inside. "How is she? Was she hurt?" she whispered, closing her eyes and silently praying Lindsay was actually OK & everything would be alright. _

_James looked down at the ground trying to work out the best way to answer this question without creating more grief and concerns for his friends, even though he knew that anything he said would affect them in a negative way. "She is... she was... I don't know" he sighed, deciding honesty was the best policy in this situation. For the first time in his life James didn't know where to start or what to say. "She isn't herself. I know it sounds obvious and stupid, but..." he paused trying to work out what the best thing to do or say, "I don't know." _

_Dave put his hand on his friend's shoulder, whilst Eve gave him a small smile and said, "Thank you." She then turned back to the room, took a deep breath & walked in. As soon as she saw Lindsay her heart broke in two and she was certain it would never be whole again. Lindsay lay curled up in the foetal position, still in her blood stained clothes, staring blankly at nothing, repeating over and over again "I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry." In that moment both Eve and Dave knew their daughter would never be the same person again. Nor would their family. Destroyed in an instant by a selfish act of brutality. _

_Lindsay withdrew into her own shell and as time went on her walls became more and more impenetrable. As she attended each of the funerals of her friends and Sarah the waitress whom she had met many times, James could see her changing physically too. She had become pale, except for the dark circles round her eyes, which were becoming darker by the day. Her clothes began to hang off her already small frame; her hair was limp and unkempt at times. Lindsay couldn't look at the parents of her friends. She had known them all for many years and spent many hours at each of her friends' houses. But she still couldn't share her grief with them afraid that they would think she didn't deserve to be living still, like Lindsay herself did. So Lindsay sat in the churches and at the cemetery staring at the coffins silently wishing she lay within one too. A blank look was on her face. Her eyes were dry and devoid of tears. _

_If it was a good day she would mutter "hello" under her breath, the recipient was lucky if they heard it, and then retreat back into her shell again, into a world she tried to create filled with love, laughter and her friends. Not the actual world of loneliness, pain and blood stained memories she knew were real. Those made her wish she hadn't chosen that moment to wash her hands or that he had heard the water running and entered the bathroom, anything so she could be with her friends and away from the horror she saw every time she closed her eyes. Lindsay tried not to sleep or close her eyes, for every time she did she was back in the diner she experienced many dreams all similar yet all were different. All were filled with blood. Bright red blood, flowing from her or her friends, and she would watch as it filled the diner and changed colour to a darker red. Eventually she would wake screaming and fighting for breath. _

_After each funeral the rumour mill began working overtime a little more. With the investigation stalling and no suspects in sight, it seemed logical to many that it was a teenage girl who had decided to undertake the massacre. The reasons were many varied and included a stolen boyfriend or two; having no money to pay for their meal; she was bored, one of the dead girls had started a rumour about Lindsay; she had a drug/ alcohol abuse problem; and her horse had died that morning. They were bizarre and of no substance yet they were everywhere. Whenever she went out, which was as little as possible often once a month or less if she had her own way., Lindsay was faced with people staring, pointing and whispering between themselves if she was lucky, but frequently abuse was hurled at her. Somehow she was able to take it when she was out but as soon as she stepped through the door to her home she crumpled in a heap crying and asking why life was so unfair. James always felt guilty and partially responsible for this, as it was because of him and his team and their inability to find the culprit that as it turned out, had destroyed her and her family's life, as well as those of her friends, even with all the evidence retrieved at the scene. _

_After a few weeks, thanks to the change in her parents and brothers more relaxed attitude towards her, Lindsay started to feel safer, in her home anyway. She knew they all were seeing a psychologist – her mum, dad and even her brothers. Lindsay had gone to the first meeting, only to sit in silence the entire duration of the entire appointment. She didn't even look at the therapist, and chose to become engrossed in a stain on her trousers. That was until the stain morphed into blood and the next thing Lindsay knew her mum was knelt in front of her trying to calm her down. She had no idea that screams had left her mouth. All Lindsay could see was blood leaving her body and pooling round her feet. When she looked up at her mum for an instant she saw Kelly's face and heard her screaming, "Why wasn't it you? You should have been with us!" before her mum's gentle tone broke through the mirage. At that point Lindsay broke down and the appointment was over. At her next appointment the therapist told her that until Lindsay was ready and willing to speak, there was nothing she could do. For the time being Lindsay had encased herself in a metaphorical cell and no-one, but no-one was getting in. _

_Lindsay stopped seeing the therapist but each of the other family members continued to see her. Each in their own way had found it harder than they could have ever imagined. Seeing their sister and daughter struggling and fighting to get through each and every minute was tough and exhausting and at times almost impossible. As hard as it was to ask an outsider for help, it helped each of them to talk about their feelings, worries and the future both as individual's and as a family unit. It had been hard at first especially for Lindsay's brothers as they believed they were betraying her trust in some form. Their parents, and the therapist, reassured them they were all trying to work together to help Lindsay and this included taking their concerns and fears away from her. She was struggling with the guilt of the death of her friends and Sarah. Lindsay didn't need to hear or deal with the guilt of the effects of the shooting upon her family. Once they had digested this information the brothers became united in their resolve to do what was best for their baby sister. If this meant meeting a therapist once a week for a time, then that was what they would do. However, when they were all told, mum, dad and brothers, not to try and coerce conversation out of Lindsay in order for her to feel able to speak five pairs of eyes stared back at the therapist looking at her like she had two heads, six arms and three legs. Rather than coming out with a whole ream of technical jargon she went simply with "trust me." So they did. _

_The constant questions and prodding of "how are you?", "do you need anything?", "can I help you?" "do you want to talk?" and so on and so on ceased. They all kept talking to Lindsay, just from a totally different standpoint now. Her brothers filled Lindsay in on what was happening in school and college, minus the rumour mill about the shooting of course. That said, anyone spreading the rumours was fair game, and hearing about how the bitchiest girl in the school managed to slip on a banana skin whilst applying her lipstick in front of the whole school at the end of the day, was the first time Lindsay laughed. She really laughed because she knew that girl. Lindsay knew the likelihood was she had been spreading rumours about her was at least one hundred percent. And a bit more. So hearing that she had quite literally fallen on her ass and came up looking like a clown was the cherry on top of a very tasty looking cake. It was so worth it. And with that came the end of total silence. The first time Lindsay spoke voluntarily was at dinner the next day. In shock and surprise the whole family stopped to look at her to which she said, "What? Have I got something on my face?" When no reply was forthcoming from anyone she suddenly realised what had shut the family up. Living in a family where teasing was an everyday occurrence, she looked at each of her family members saying "Well, if I'd known all it took to shut you up was me not talking for a few weeks, I'd have done it long ago. Silence is definitely golden." She then turned her attention back to her meal, her parents and brothers still staring at her in shock. __"__Oh for goodness sake, get over it, I__'__ve found my voice again. Well for today anyway.__"__ With that the noise in the room returned, her family overjoyed knowing that Lindsay could and would communicate with them, even if it was still going to be on her terms for the foreseeable future. Anything was better than nothing. They were all happy to take each day as it came and watch as their daughter and sister took one step more each day, returning to the land of the living._

_Throughout the weeks since the murders Lindsay may have been silent verbally when awake, but at night it was a different matter. Lindsay tried hard to avoid sleep at all costs, even weeks later, fearing the nightmares that awaited her when she closed her eyes. However exhaustion meant that sometimes she had no choice but to sleep as her eyes were unable to stay open any longer. As soon as her eyelids shut she was there, back in the diner. Sometimes she watched it all happen exactly as it did that day. Other times she was in the diner feeling the pain of a gunshot and watching her blood drain out of her body slowly. She would stand watching her hands turn from pink to white and the floor from tiled to blood stained. There were other variations on these dreams but these two were the most common and the most terrifying. Lindsay would wake screaming, pulling her parents and brothers from their slumber. Her mum would rush into her room and comfort her, sitting with Lindsay as long as she needed, holding her and reassuring her with words of love and comfort. Even though her sleep was disturbed usually at least once a night, Eve was more than willing to be with her daughter giving her the support in the only way she was able, Lindsay having closed herself off during the day. For Eve this was a time she actually felt useful and as though she was helping her daughter and not standing without a purpose on the sidelines. Once Lindsay started talking about the shooting, the nightmares changed, becoming less severe, gradually decreasing in frequency and Lindsay started to find sleep restful and less frightening. _

_When Lindsay started speaking to her family she restricted it general conversation and anything to avoid the one topic she knew everyone wanted to know about. It was still so difficult, raw and painful to acknowledge internally, let alone to anyone else. Even though Lindsay knew what happened was true, by ignoring it she was starting to feel like a normal teenager, sister and daughter again and that was the best therapy she could have ever asked for. Lindsay finally gained the courage and asked to restart therapy two weeks after she started speaking although it took another crisis for her to ask. The rest of the family had been in therapy for nearly three months and it had been just over five months since the shooting. Lindsay had started to feel better in the day until she realised that Kelly__'__s birthday was approaching. She had missed both Amanda and Rose__'__s birthdays due to her almost catatonic state of existence. Knowing Kelly__'__s birthday was approaching caused the pressure of guilt because she was alive, because she had forgotten her other friend__'__s birthdays and knowing she would soon be celebrating her birthday alone was starting to take her over. Less than five minutes after realising Kelly__'__s birthday was due, Lindsay started hyperventilating. She couldn__'__t breathe and the panic from the guilt and the shooting were starting to overtake her body. She tried to breath, she really did. But then the memories and guilt were overtaken by darkness, a darkness that was so peaceful and painless, and she let herself go. _

_Jake was the first one home. He was using Lindsay as a __'__get out of gym__'__ free pass, claiming he had to get home to check on her. Although he wanted his baby sister back, there was an advantage to this who situation he wasn't afraid to use. He hoped it could last until he left high school but then another 'worst day ever' happened. Jake was the one who found Lindsay, slumped on the kitchen floor, motionless and unresponsive. He shook her as hard as he dared, shouting to try and wake her, but to no avail. His hands shook as he grabbed the phone to dial 911. As soon as he made the call, he tried his dad, knowing he should be on the ranch somewhere. As his dad picked up, his voice gave way to the emotions overtaking his body. _

"_Daddy. Daddy, She__'__s not talking I can__'__t wake her. Help!__"_

"_Who?__"__ asked Dave, trying to get the attention of Peter who was in the process of taking apart his dad__'__s truck in an attempt to revive it. Again. _

"_Lindsay. She__'__s on the floor and I can__'__t wake her.__"_

_Dave felt the blood drain from his face. Peter who had finally emerged from under the car watched his dad become almost translucent. And Peter felt the panic set in too as his dad mouthed __"__it__'__s Lindsay.__"_

"_OK, OK. Jake is she breathing? ... Yes? OK. Just stay with her I__'__ll call 911 and we__'__ll meet you at the house... You__'__ve already called 911? ... Good boy, good boy. Me and Pete are coming, we__'__ll be there soon. Keep talking to her.__"__ In an instant Dave and Peter were already running back towards the house. _

_The two men found Jake cradling Lindsay__'__s head in his lap and telling her a story about avoiding gym class. Dave made a mental note to get back to that topic sometime later but for now his daughter was more important. Lindsay was still unresponsive and Jake refused to let go of her head, so his dad and older brother could only stand by and watch and wait. They heard the sirens in the background and knew the ambulance was on its way. Before long Lindsay was on the stretcher and being loaded up onto the ambulance. Due to being under eighteen Jake was forced to ride with his brother, whilst he reluctantly agreed his dad could travel with Lindsay. As the ambulance rushed off to the hospital, the boys were ordered to make their way within the speed limit, which they did. At least until the ambulance was out of sight. Then both Peter and Jake figured their dad would never know. Which would have proven to be true if they didn__'__t arrive at the hospital just as Lindsay was being lifted out of the ambulance. Both boys hung their heads in shame for what they figured was the appropriate amount of time, before following their dad and sister into the ER. As Dave started to complete the insurance and admission forms he had a very big thought and very sickening feeling and figured if he was lucky then he would only be on the couch in the den for a night or two. If he was very lucky. _

_Dave continued to complete the forms and then asked the question he was dreading the answer to. __"__Umm Jake__"__ he started, followed by a very over-exaggerated breath in, __"__umm, did you... by any chance...__"_

"_Oh for goodness sake dad, spit it out__"__ stressed Peter, anxious about what the doctors were doing with his baby sister._

"_Oh dammit, don__'__t rush me. You__'__re not too old for a good hiding lad. Jake, did you call your mum?__"_

"_Now I see why you hesitated. Let Jake know if you need a pillow, he will probably be sharing with you after all, he forgot to call mum!__"_

"_I was busy looking after our sister. Sorry if I was preoccupied with her being unconscious on the kitchen floor.__"_

"_I should have rang her. Crap, I hate the sofa in the den. Maybe I can sneak in the lounge when Eve__'__s asleep.__"_

"_Seriously Dave, how do you think you will sneak past me?__"__ came a very loud and very pissed off . _

"_Oh honey, I__'__m sorry we didn__'__t ring you. We were all so worried about Lindsay.__"_

"_Firstly I saw the ambulance and then these psycho children of ours leave the ranch, so I decided to follow you. I was also panicking all the way as it happens because I had no clue what was going on. Thank goodness I follow you though did seeing as my phone has been strangely quiet. Secondly, Peter, you & I will be having a talk about your driving skills and you won__'__t be getting out of it. James knows people down at the police department who will show you the wrecks that are left after crashes and how to drive safety, because honestly son, we're lucky you're not being treated here for severe injuries. And thirdly, what the hell is wrong with our daughter?__"__ as she asked about Lindsay, Eve__'__s voice softened and the worry which had originally came across as anger, was now evident in her voice and posture. _

"_Jake found her collapsed on the kitchen floor. He was great honey and...__"__ Dave__'__s voice trailed off and he stood up as he saw the doctor who was treating Lindsay come out from the treatment area. _

"_Hi. I__'__m Dr Alex Buckman. The good news is Lindsay__'__s awake and fine. She said she couldn__'__t breathe before she collapsed after remembering her friend Kelly__'__s birthday. Lindsay said she felt as though she was fighting for breath and started to panic. It seems as though she had a severe panic attack, hyperventilated and lost consciousness basically due to a lack of carbon dioxide in her blood. She told us there was a shooting sometime ago, I presume this was part of the reason for the attack.__"_

"_Well, it was a little more than a shooting. She was the only witness in a shooting at a local diner. Her three best friends were, well, they were basically executed for no reason and the killer is still at large. Now, can I go see her please?__"__ Eve__'__s tone was that of mamma bear, needing to go and protect her baby bear. Now. Fortunately the nurse who had been caring for Lindsay came out at this point. Jane Hicks had met the Monroe's the day of the shooting. She had spent time caring for the family during the time they were at the hospital, even long after her shift had finished. She knew that the last thing they had needed was any more stress of more nurses caring for her, so Jane had been the one to co-ordinate care and protect the family from unwanted visitors. As she walked through the door, she saw Eve ready to fight her way if necessary back to her daughter. _

"_Hey Eve. Come on back, she__'__s asking for you. Hi Dave, do you want to come now too?__"_

"_I__'__ll wait with her brothers; I think they need a bit of girly time first. Is that OK?__"_

"Of _course. I__'__ll get you when the oestrogen bonding has lessened!__"__ And with that the two women disappeared back through to the treatment rooms. _

"_Don__'__t worry guys. Jane looked after Linds and me & your mum when it happened. She__'__s good and she__'__ll make sure they are both OK.__"__ Dave held onto his two sons hands and a wave of relief passed over the three men as they waited to see their daughter and sister, until Dave unexpectedly broke the silence. "By the way, where is Tony?"_

"_At school or he should be," said Jake as it occurred to him he might have some explaining to do himself about his early appearance at home._

"_Right, well, I'm going to the phone as we have," Dave looked at his watch and worked out the time left until the end of the day, "ten minutes before end of school and I'm going to see if they can find him as soon as possible for us." Dave strode down the hall to find a pay phone, before stopping and turning round. "Oh, and Jake, as much as I'm grateful for your early arrival home, there will be a discussion and probably some punishment for ditching school. I'm not as old or senile as you might like to believe I am." Then he was gone. _

"_Oh Lindsay! Are you OK baby?__"__ Eve gushed the minute she saw her daughter, taking Lindsay__'__s face in her hands so she could look at her close up and make sure for herself that Lindsay was, in fact, conscious and breathing. _

"_Mum, I__'__m fine. It was just a panic attack__"__ said Lindsay trying to back out of her mother__'__s grasp, feeling embarrassed more than anything about the day__'__s events. _

"_Don__'__t you __'__it was just a panic attack__'__ me young lady. You were unconscious. Why didn__'__t you phone one of us when it started?__"__ The fear and guilt at being out was now filling Eve and her hands started shaking. _

_Eve felt a gentle touch to her back. __"__It__'__s not easy to talk when you__'__re fighting for breath. Trying to stop the panic isn__'__t easy when it overwhelms you like that.__"__ Jane kept the touch up on Eve__'__s back whilst looking at Lindsay to make sure she was telling her mum what she needed to know. Whilst being examined and trying to explain what had happened, the very mention of Kelly__'__s name again had sent Lindsay into panic mode again. Jane had managed to calm Lindsay down relatively easily before she lost control of her breathing. She had also been the one to interpret Lindsay__'__s garbled story about what had set off the panic attack, having known that her friend Kelly had been killed at the diner. For that reason Lindsay trusted Jane to help her talk to her mum about what to do next. _

_Eve released the hold she had on Lindsay__'__s head and Lindsay patted the space on the bed next to her. Eve removed her shoes before climbing on the bed and lay down next to Lindsay, opening her arms wide, so Lindsay could curl up next to her. _

_Jane sat at the foot of the bed, one hand behind her, leaning on the bed, the other resting on Lindsay__'__s leg, reassuring her of what would be said next. __"__Eve, there__'__s something Linds and I were talking about which she asked me to share with you.__"_

_Eve looked between Jane and Lindsay trying to figure what could be going on between the two of them. The hold she had round Lindsay__'__s body tightened slightly. _

"_Don__'__t worry, it__'__s not bad. I asked Lindsay if she had spoken to anyone about what happened, at the diner. Lindsay told me that she hasn__'__t.__"__ Jane paused, trying to gauge Eve__'__s feelings here. __"__She also told me she has regular nightmares.__"__ Both Lindsay and her mum nodded at this. Even five months later they still dominated Lindsay__'__s sleeping pattern and both Lindsay and her mum were suffering from quite severe sleep deprivation. __"__Well, I suggested that she maybe needs to speak to someone about what happened. I think now is the time, otherwise the likelihood is these panic attacks are only likely to increase in occurrence and severity. And I think she needs to talk to someone who understands surviving this kind of trauma. I understand you have been seeing Dr Walker?__"__ Eve nodded stunned, by this admission that her daughter knew she needed help and proud of her for asking - even if it was via a third party. She felt her eyes fill with a fresh batch of tears and kissed the top of Lindsay__'__s head. __"__Why don__'__t I go arrange an appointment for Lindsay with Dr Walker? I can fill her in with what happened today, if that__'__s OK with you both, and whilst I do that you two can spend some quality female time before the boys charge in!__"__ Lindsay and her mum both nodded in agreement and watched as Jane left the room. _

"_I__'__m so proud of you baby, asking for help__"__ Eve told Lindsay, speaking softly into her hair and placing soft kisses on the top of her head. __"__I know it isn__'__t easy for you to tell us what you saw and I don__'__t care if you don__'__t tell me. You just need to tell someone. Dr Walker is really nice and Jake has taken a shine to her, so when you get to see her properly, we can work on our plan of attack for embarrassing your brother at every opportunity possible!__"_

"_Are you sure you don__'__t mind mummy?__"_

"_As long as you are talking to someone, no, your dad and I don__'__t mind. Honestly baby. We__'__ve talked about it. A lot.__"_

_Lindsay turned her head to look at her mum and for the first time she started to believe that things might just get a little better. Eventually. And at this moment in time, even eventually sounded really good. _

_Lindsay had found it easier to talk to a stranger than her family about everything she witnessed. Dr Walker was actually a warm, open woman who never pushed Lindsay to talked. Lindsay had asked Jane if she could join her at first. Just in case she had another panic attack. Jane was an agency nurse providing cover when needed at the hospital. It had been chance that she had been working on both days Lindsay arrived in the ER and Lindsay saw that to be a sign. She begged first Jane and then her parents to allow Jane to attend her therapy sessions. It turned out that all it took was a couple of hours __'__negotiating__'__ and a home cooked meal or ten sealed the deal. Normally Jane wouldn__'__t have even considered this request from a patient, but having seen Lindsay just after it happened and several months later, still caught up in the exact moment of that first shot, as she was innocently washing her hands, Jane knew she couldn__'__t and wouldn__'__t leave her. Jane understood instinctively that Lindsay had trust issues - who wouldn__'__t after something so horrific as what she had experienced? To be asked to support someone who so wanted to be a __'__normal teenager__'__ again was something that was worth doing. It wasn__'__t the __'__done thing__'__ but the Monroe's made sure they paid her personally for the extra support she gave Lindsay. Jane would support Lindsay through her therapy sessions for as long as needed. When Lindsay had a session with Dr Walker. Jane would sit quietly at the back of the room. Sometimes she did nothing, sometimes she held Lindsay__'__s hand or touched her back in a soothing gesture. When she felt or heard the panic rising within Lindsay she would talk to her, using the calming words Eve had found to be most effective over the months, bringing her back to reality in the __'__here and now__'__ as opposed to her memories. _

_Eve had lied in the hospital saying she wasn__'__t bothered by Lindsay talking to someone other than her. She was then slightly more offended that Lindsay wanted Jane there and not her, but as the sessions progressed Eve saw the benefit of a third party supporting Lindsay. Eve knew that Lindsay was disclosing things she could only imagine her daughter had experienced. Jane would spend time talking to Eve about her experiences as Lindsay__'__s mother. There were times when Lindsay returned home exhausted, nauseous, light headed and panicky about every little thing she heard and saw. Having a qualified nurse in the house turned out to be a blessing and Jane helped Eve care for her daughter better than she thought possible. The two became friends and Eve was able to relax when she dropped Lindsay off at her sessions, knowing that she was never truly alone. That she had someone who cared for her and who, most importantly of all, Lindsay trusted with her deepest darkest experiences was something Eve was truly grateful for. Dave had been worried that Eve would resent someone else sharing this with Lindsay but some of the weight that had lain heavy on her heart since she first saw her daughter in the hospital had begun to lift. It also allowed Eve to split her time more evenly with her sons and husband. As a result the family became less disjointed and the cohesion that had existed prior to the shooting began to return. Although they were nowhere near normality, the future was finally starting to feel brighter. _

_With time, love, support and a very patient family, and an amazing nurse and friend Lindsay began to tell them about what happened, what she actually witnessed and how she felt. In the beginning the story was told through Jane, Lindsay being too drained from her therapy sessions to speak and begin the story again. With help from Dr Walker and Jane they agreed to the information that could be disclosed with the family before returning to the ranch, until Lindsay could speak and decide for herself what she would say. The sessions that the rest of the family attended were becoming less frequent as they became stronger. Dr Walker encouraged Lindsay__'__s parents and brothers to begin to act more normally and learn to judge for themselves what to and not to say to her. More importantly Dr Walker also encouraged them to continue being patient with Lindsay and not rush her telling the story. After each of Lindsay__'__s sessions they heard a little more of the story and it was, as if it was being written down a sentence or two at a time. Eventually Lindsay gained the strength to tell the story herself and every time she shared what had happened with her mum, dad, brothers, even Jane and Dr Walker, it got a little easier. Easier in terms of saying the words but the emotions were still too close to the surface to avoid. It was going to be a long, long road of recovery but gradually Lindsay began to feel stronger than she had been since the shooting. Dr Walker had told her she would never be the same as she was before the shooting but she also told her that she would still be an amazingly strong and beautiful woman because of her determination to want to rejoin the world at large. That gave Lindsay the hope and the strength to begin to live like a normal teenage girl, albeit with some modifications to her way of life purely because of her wariness of strangers and the knowledge that the shooter was still at large. _

**Brina, as always **_***huge hugs & high fives***_** for all your help and support. Seriously, I would have given up long ago if it wasn't for you :D**


	17. Chapter 17

**Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter!**

**I still own nothing except my dvd's and an overactive imagination.**

**This chapter continues from where the last one ended. Enjoy!**

Barbara sat stunned almost by what she had just heard. She was gripping her coffee cup as though her life depended upon it. Eve reached out and gently removed the cup, before standing up to get the three adults yet more caffeine. Without any of them speaking they all somehow knew there was a lot more to come. Eve sat down at the table again and broke the silence.

"So, how does it compare with your experiences of the time since the shooting?"

"The same. Different. Confusing."

Eve and Dave both looked at Barbara wondering exactly what she was trying to get at.

"I'm sorry. I've just heard what I said. I couldn't have been more vague if I tried!" said Barbara trying to have a slightly lighter tone to her comment, especially as she was about to ask them so incredibly dark, that she wondered if she would be getting kicked out of the ranch in the next minute or two.

"I have something to ask you and I have no doubt that it will be one of the most difficult things for you to do but I hope you will consider my request." She stopped to look at Dave and Eve who sat waiting to hear what she could possibly ask for that was more difficult that what their child had been through or what they had just told her.

"I don't know if you know but I've finally been seeing Dr Walker. I started seeing her four years ago after Max left me. He had told me if I didn't change then he would divorce me. After he left the house I finally understood what 'being alone' actually meant and felt like. I had literally pushed him away and when I think about it I am surprised that he didn't leave me years before."

"Because he loves you?" offered Eve.

"He does, I've always known that and I still can't believe he loved me so unconditionally for so long. But I had been wrapped up in myself for such a long time that I couldn't see a way out of the pain and sorrow or how he would ever want to come back home." She stopped to compose herself and hold onto the tears that were threatening to fall, before continuing. "Anyway, he left me Dr. Walker's card and I rang her about three days after he left. It took me that long to come out of the state of shock I was in after Max left. She is amazing. I think she's seen us all at one point or another hasn't she?"

"Oh yes!" agreed Eve. "We even had her number on speed dial for a while. We saw her every few months for about five years for whenever something new cropped up and we needed survival strategies."

"She was amazing having listened to me talk about me on and on and on. I think that went on for a couple of months. Then she started asking me about Max and how he felt about everything. That was the turning point in our relationship. Me finally hearing about how it had affected him." Barbara looked up at her friends. "Don't worry; she has never broken anyone's confidence. She just gave me generic suggestions for me to consider and work through and as time went on I had a few sessions with Max which was so enlightening. Do you know I never once listened to him? I never knew how he felt. I had just built up these walls around myself where I was the victim. If I'm honest, I am so ashamed of my behaviour. How could I not even consider my husband? My best friend?" she stopped and let a few tears trail down her cheek. Both Dave and Eve reached out to hold one of her hands each and she let a few more tears out. Once she regained some composure she took a deep breath, blew her nose and continued.

"Anyway, here we are nearly four years after I started therapy and a few months ago Dr Walker started talking about how the shooting affected you but especially Lindsay. We've been discussing the other families and their reactions for some time but it has taken until now to look at it from your perspective and experience. It's been me resisting not Dr Walker. Believe me, that woman knows how to push and push until she starts breaking down your walls and then she starts pushing even harder!"

The three adults laughed knowing that this was exactly how Dr Walker worked. She would push to get them to open up about the topics they feared and dreaded the most. And she didn't hold back at all. Usually to the disdain of her clients. But she was good at what she did and there was a reason why. It was because she had the knowledge and experience of knowing that unless her clients explored what were usually the hardest and darkest issues they had, then they would never be able to move on with their lives. The Monroe's had all been through it. Even Lindsay had put up with it even though she had found it excruciating at times it was essential to her recovery. Plus she had found somewhere where she could vent her negative emotions and frustrations safely. Without prejudice. Without judgement. Without fear. And it seemed that Barbara had discovered that too.

"The point of this waffle is that I'm here because I need to know what you went through. I would be lying if I said I thought of you during those first few days, weeks, months, even years." Barbara saw Dave and Eve wince at her words, but she had promised herself that she would be honest and she wasn't going to stop now because they deserved nothing less than full disclosure. "I'm sorry because I know how blunt and cutting that sounds, but the truth is I didn't see beyond myself. Dr Walker has told me that I need to know what happened from your perspective and I know that she is right. We should have been there for each other and I wasn't. I know this won't change that but I hope you understand that I genuinely do want to know what happened to you. From after you left the room, you know, when we were told..." her voice drifted off.

"Barbara, we have just told you," said Dave, starting to feel a little frustrated that even now she still wasn't able to listen and hear their words and experiences.

"No Dave. You told me the shortened version. The version that, no doubt like me, you have perfected what to say to people when they ask. I want to know exactly what happened. I want to know your feelings, your thoughts and how it affected Lindsay. I know it's from your view only but I need to know what you saw as her parents. Does that make sense."

"Yes," said Eve quieter than she usually spoke. "You really want to know it all?"

"Yes please. If you want to tell me, that is. I don't want to force you to do this but I really do want to know. Please?" Barbara felt as though she was almost begging now and she honestly couldn't decide what their answer was going to be.

"Well then," said Eve, standing up and setting to work on preparing more drinks. "I think we should go into the study as Lindsay is asleep in the lounge and then we can make ourselves more comfortable and we will start at the beginning."

Barbara stood up and walked over to Eve, taking her in her arms and holding her tight, whispering in her ear, "thank you, that you thank you. I am so sorry for neglecting you but thank you for giving me this chance." Barbara was about to let go of Eve when she felt Eve's arms tighten around her and the two women acknowledged their shared grief in a united action and without words.

"And please bear with us as we tell you what happened. It will be emotional for us as we relive it again and the likelihood is we will need to stop and cry and if we do it's because we have to, it's all a part of the whole process and to be honest, when we talk about it, it is as raw and painful as the day it happened."

"As no doubt it is for you too?" asked Dave.

"That it is Dave that it is. And please, don't worry about any of that, I still cry and rant and rave when I think about what happened, not like I used to, but I still do. So please, if you need to cry or stop, then please do," reassured Barbara.

They all moved from the kitchen to the study. Eve looked in on Lindsay en route, who was still deep asleep in the lounge curled up in the foetal position on the sofa. Her breathing was deep and even and she showed no signs of waking any time soon. She stood and watched Lindsay sleep for a while, peace evident in her face. 'At last' she thought to herself. She looked at her daughter as she considered the walk down memory lane she was about to take with Barbara and Dave, Her memories and experiences were so different yet so similar to Lindsay's but they were intertwined. Somehow Eve's honesty, grief, unending and unconditional love and even her despair brought them closer together. As much as she hated the bastard who ruined her child's life and how she wished it could have been her in that diner rather than Lindsay, Eve couldn't help but be so thankful that the relationship between her and Lindsay had been strengthened beyond even what she would have ever thought possible. After the shooting Lindsay had spent many hours after the shooting curled up in a ball, much as she was now, with her mother sitting by silently holding her, stroking her hair, just touching her softly. Eve had often said Lindsay's position, curled up in the foetal position was like an armadillo. A hard protective shell on the outside, a soft, yet brittle core. Very few people had made their way through this shell since that day and Eve always considered herself privileged to have been allowed to reach inside Lindsay's shell. Her father, her brothers even James and Sarah were allowed past the shell, but only when Lindsay gave them permission or when she broke down and needed comfort. But her mum was always allowed in. Permission not needed. Sometimes on days like today it was as though her mum knew something was wrong, long before Lindsay could see or feel it. Today Eve had made plans to meet up with Sarah, to talk about her own fears and hopes for Lindsay's move to New York, but she had decided on an impulse to go via the cemetery. She was glad she had when she saw Lindsay and Barbara together obviously talking to each other without there being screaming or physical violence. So she made a decision to postpone her 'therapy' session and walked over to see the two women. She could see exhaustion in her daughter's face and felt that she was not far off crumbling and she needed to be there to try and stop her falling into the abyss, as she had done many, many times previous.

Eve touched her daughter's cheek in a gesture of love and still Lindsay slept on. She left quietly to join Dave and Barbara in the study,

"Is Lindsay OK?" asked Barbara, still worried about Lindsay after what had seemed to be an extreme reaction at the cemetery.

"Yes, she's fine. Stop worrying too. We've had extreme reactions like this to things before. Once she has slept she will wake feeling much better and most likely be all embarrassed, for no reason, but that's our Lindsay!" said Dave, hoping his words would reassure Barbara even if it was just a little.

"Are you sure?" asked Barbara still not convinced.

Eve sat down at the end of the sofa nearest the chair where Barbara had chosen to sit. She took one of Barbara's hands in hers before speaking. "Lindsay managed to get past the shooting. Believe me she will get past this too. Just like she will get past moving to New York even though it scares her. Lindsay has been through so much. More than any of us can ever imagine and because of that and her belief in justice she is so much stronger than the rest of us. I don't honestly know how but she is. Sometimes her body reacts in this extreme way to situations but she will be fine."

"How does she cope with her job?"

"Oh, she has never reacted like this at work. These reactions are always a physical response to an emotional event. I have no idea how she copes at work but she does, managing to hold it is until she gets home. That's all part of her strength and determination" said Dave, the pride for his daughter evident in his voice.

"Well, now we're here we really ought to get down to business, so to speak!" said Eve, making herself a little more comfortable in her chosen seat before continuing. "This is going to take a while, I mean if you want to know it all then there is a lot to say. Is that OK with you? Have you got plenty of time?"

Barbara nodded as she made herself comfortable in her chair, a box of tissues within easy reach as somehow she just knew they would be used. A lot.

Eve carried on, "if you want to ask questions then do."

"We are more than happy that you want to know more about our side of events, so we are more than happy to tell you what you want or need to know," added Dave.

"Well, it's a bit of both really, you know a bit of need and a bit of want."

_Suddenly Eve and Dave found themselves stood in the hospital, waiting for news about what had happened to the girls. All the parents knew was that there had been an __'__incident__'__. All four couples sat in a conference room the hospital had provided for them. They were sat alone, the four sets of parents. Two policemen were stood outside the door and there were nurses hovering nearby, as if they knew something the families didn't, and the families didn't know that their services would be needed once the catastrophe was announced. It had to be a catastrophe otherwise why was there all these things happening and protecting them as they waited for someone to tell them what was going on. They were all imagining different scenarios some of which included death of one or more of the girls, robbery, car crash; the list went on and on. Little did they know that they weren't even close to what had just happened. Maybe that was a good thing. Then in walked James Lawson, the lead CSI and Mark Donovan, the lead detective. The parents could see that a tragedy of some sort had occurred, that much was obvious. But it was one of those moments in time where the earth stands still, time almost ceases to move and you are almost willing something to happen, just so you could know that your loved one was safe and well. Then James broke the silence._

"_Thank you for coming. There was an incident at the diner where your children had been.__"__ James paused trying to find the exact words to say to try and prepare the parents for the devastation he knew was coming, and somehow try to reduce the pain that he knew would rip their lives and hearts apart. He didn__'__t know if he could do it. He didn__'__t know if he wanted to be the one to destroy these families. James knew that it wasn't him who would be the one destroying their families, it was the selfish bastard who walked into that diner apparently with the sole purpose of killing someone. Yet he knew that it would be him the families remembered, him telling them what had happened, thus making it him who destroyed their lives. _

_Mark sensed James apprehension and decided to step in, knowing that drawing out the next part of this conversation would only seek to create hope, where there was none. Even for the Monroe__'__s, whose child was alive, hope was not guaranteed because no one could say what shape she would be in when she came out of catatonia. If she came out of the darkness. _

"_Your girls, your children were at __"__The Bitterroot Diner__"__. They were the only customers there as it was nearing closing time and they were there along with a waitress, Sarah Jackson. As far as we can tell about 7.50pm a man came in and opened fire with a shotgun.__"_

_There was a stunned silence in the room. Audible gasps of breath were hears from the parents. The underlying fear which had existed with the waiting overtook the parents. _

_Kelly Parker__'__s dad was the first to speak. __"__So, you__'__re saying their dead? They are all dead?__"_

_Mark and James looked at each other, having dreaded this question most, knowing that three sets of parents would want to why it wasn__'__t their child who survived, then moving from devastation to anger and hurt, no doubt directing it irrationally to the Monroe__'__s. James had lost the coin toss and took a deep breath before speaking. _

"_No.__"__ He paused taking another deep breath preparing to break three families hearts even more than they would have thought possible, yet again and giving hope to the other. __"__There was one survivor.__"__ He stopped and looked at all the parents in turn and they were all focused on him. Then he caught the eyes of the Monroe's, and he spoke again. __"__Lindsay. Lindsay survived. She was... she was in the bathroom when it happened and stayed there until the bastard left.__"_

_Yet more audible gasps of shock and pain could be heard as this extra bit of news was taken in by the parents. Three sets of parents broke down sobbing and wailing in pain and the news that they would never see their teenage girls alive again. Three sets of parents tried to understand why their children would never grow up, get married, have children, have grandchildren and live long, happy lives. Three sets of parents sat and wondered why it wasn__'__t their daughter who was in one of the hospital rooms, alive and waiting for her mum and dad. One set of parents though sat astounded by the admission that their daughter was alive, tears falling down both their faces, like the other eight adults in the room - neither James nor Mark being exempt from emotion at this point. _

_The only noise to be heard in the room now was grief. Overwhelming and all consuming grief. Although it had been a few moments since Mark had broken the news about what had happened in the diner, it took a minute or two for the news to fully sink in for Eve and Dave. It was as if they didn__'__t want to keep their hopes up that their daughter was actually still alive. Then Eve stood up rapidly almost running out of the door, Dave was close on her heels, before asking __"__Where is she? Where is my baby?__"_

_James took Eve and Dave to Lindsay who was in a private room, easily identified by the visible police presence outside. Eve took the door handle in her hand and stopped, her hands trembling, terrified at what she might see inside. __"__How is she? Was she hurt?__"__ she whispered, closing her eyes and silently praying Lindsay was actually ok and that everything would be alright. Dave stood just behind Eve, one hand in a fist as he tried to control the intense anger he had at the situation, the other holding on tightly to Eve__'__s waist, needing her strength to keep him upright. Neither husband nor wife knew that each of them was thanking God for the strength and love they got from each other at that moment in time. They relied on each other for the good and the bad times. Eve and Dave knew they would need all the love, strength and determination to be there for Lindsay. First though, they had to walk through this door. _

_James looked down at the ground trying to work out the best way to answer this question without creating more grief and concerns for his friends. No words were going to ease their concern or pain though. __"__She is... she was... I don__'__t know__"__ he sighed, deciding honesty was the best policy in this situation. For the first time in his life James didn__'__t know where to start or what to say. __"__She isn__'__t herself. I know it sounds obvious and stupid, but...__"__ he paused trying to work out what the best thing to do or say. He looked directly at Dave and Eve who were both looking at him hoping he would have all the answers they would need, and muttered, __"__I don__'__t know.__"_

_Dave put his hand on his friend__'__s shoulder, whilst Eve gave him a small smile and said, __"__Thank you.__"__ The Monroe__'__s favoured the truth rather than some sugar coated bullshit. They knew James and saw the pain and look of loss in his eyes and even in the depths of despair, pain and fear, yet they still managed to offer comfort to him with these words and gesture. James was stunned at their actions and in that moment he knew they would all come out alive, stronger than ever, no matter how long it took. Eve then turned back to the room, took a deep breath & walked in. And as soon as she saw Lindsay her heart broke in two and she felt certain it would never be whole again. Dave stopped beside her, holding her tightly, almost too tightly but it was what they needed before they made their way to Lindsay. _

_Lindsay lay curled up in the foetal position, still in her blood stained clothes, staring blankly at nothing, repeating over and over again __"__I__'__m sorry, I__'__m really sorry.__"__ In that moment both Eve and Dave knew their daughter, and their family too, would never been the same again. Destroyed in an instant by a selfish act of brutality. Then without thinking both parents knew what to do without speaking to each other. Eve took her shoes off, got on the bed behind Lindsay cuddling up to her as close as she could get. Her hand automatically reaching for her hair so she could stroke it, as if trying to remove the pain, the memories the horror by __'__brushing__'__ it out of her mind. Dave sat in front of Lindsay, pulling his chair up as close as it would get to the bed. He took Lindsay__'__s hands in his, automatically seeking out the calluses on her hands which she gotten four years previous. Dave held onto the memories of his daughter laughing and cursing him in equal parts as he taught her rawhide braiding. As the calluses formed and the pain lessened, Lindsay found rawhide braiding a way for her and her dad to spend time together sharing their dreams and hopes for the future. And as he held his traumatised daughter__'__s hands in his, caressing the calluses and memories of happier, hopeful times he prayed that his gentle touch would bring them back into Lindsay__'__s mind and rid her of the memories and sights of a horror they didn__'__t yet fully know or comprehend. _

_In that private hospital room two parents tried to form a protective shield around their daughter knowing it was already too late and ineffective, but they needed to try to stop her slipping away into oblivion. The only way they could think of holding onto her was with their love. Both Eve and Dave knew they would have to find all the strength and love they had to hold onto Lindsay and let her know that she was safe. It would be long and difficult road, the likes of which they had never imagined and couldn__'__t imagine as they held onto her for dear life. _

_Nine years later Eve still could__ remember exactly what happened after they first saw Lindsay in the hospital room. She knew that Lindsay had been seen and examined to check she was physically unharmed. She remembered a male doctor coming in the room, but the fear in her child__'__s eyes had Dave telling him forcefully to leave the room and find a female doctor. It took nearly an hour to calm Lindsay down again. Eve and Dave were both grateful for a nurse, Jane, who stood by them, calming them down so they in turn could calm Lindsay down. She offered them suggestions and words of encouragement and eventually Lindsay did quieten again. That had meant a much longer wait in the hospital but minimising Lindsay__'__s stress levels was far more important. If they could be reduced. Someone had brought clean clothes for Lindsay to the hospital. Lindsay wouldn__'__t go into the shower alone, so Eve had gone in with her, helping wash away the blood, and soothing her daughter with words and gentle touches. Lindsay stood, almost paralysed watching the red liquid disappear down the plug hole, consumed in the knowledge that she was watching her friends' blood, their lives disappearing out of her life forever. As soon as she allowed herself to accept that her friend__'__s were really gone, Lindsay let out a blood curdling scream and collapsed on the floor of the shower cubicle. Eve sat with her, trying to offer comfort and love whilst Lindsay allowed the truth that her friends were really gone enter her brain. Dave could only sit outside in the hospital room listening to the water rushing down; his wife talk and attempt to calm down his daughter; and worst of all, Lindsay__'s __screams __and __sobs__, __full __of __desperation__, __fear __and __devastation__. Jane, the nurse, sat holding Dave trying to give him the comfort, his wife was trying to give their daughter, and all he could hear was his daughter's screams and distress and he knew there was nothing he could do about it. A__nd __at __that __moment__, __neither __husba__nd or wife, mother and father knew that each of them were wondering which was worse: knowing you would never see your child again or watching them fall apart into oblivion knowing there was absolutely nothing you could do to change things. At the same time the families of Kelly, Amanda, Rose and Sarah families were torn apart, so too were the Monroe's, just the same, yet in many ways, worse._

_News of the massacre had reached reporters amazingly fast, must to the disdain of the police. What was it about journalists that they could smell bloodshed the minute it left a dying or injured body? Needless to say, once they heard there was a survivor they congregated in the hospital parking lot, waiting to get a picture of the __'lucky'__girl__. J__ames __and__ M__ark __had __helped __the __family __leave __the __hospital, nearly ten hours after the shooting__. It was six o'clock the following morning. James and Mark __were __grateful for having allies within the hospital who helped __'smuggle' __all __the __grieving __families __out__. __James had volunteered to take the Monroe__'s __home__. H__e __had __been __there __many __times __before __and __knew __the __quickest __way __home__, __knowing __that __was __what __the __family __needed__. The family didn__'t __pay __much __attention __to __how __they __got __out; __they __just __wanted __to __get __home__. W__ell__, E__ve __and__ D__ave __did__. L__indsay __didn't __know __what __she __wanted __or __where __she __was __going__. A__ll __she __could __see __everywhere __she __went __and __looked __was __bright__, __red __liquid__, __running __a__way from her. She knew if she reached out and touched the liquid, it would be warm and sticky. She could even smell blood on her, even after her shower. Suddenly and without any warning whatsoever she vomited, over the back of the car. Once she started retching she couldn__'t __stop __and __it __seemed __as __though __everything __she __had __eaten __in __the __last __week __came __back __up__. T__o __make __matters __worse __she __started __to __panic __and __began __hyperventilating __at __the __same __time__. F__ortunately __the __car __was __near __the__ M__onroe's __home __and __so__ J__ames __made__ the decision to keep driving foot to the floor on the accelerator pedal, even with the smell of vomit permeating the air in the car. He was grateful that they weren__'t __being __followed__, __and __wound __the __windows __down __to __try __and __improve __the __air __quality__. _

_By the time they had reached the Monroe's ranch, James saw Sarah__'s __car __parked __in __the __front __yard__. James __had __rung __her __to __round __up __the __boys __once__ D__ave __had __told __them __where __they __all __were__. A__ll __three __of__ L__indsay's __brothers __had __been __out __at __friends __and __although __it __would __almost __have __been __easier __to __see __if __they __could __have stayed overnight at friends houses, Dave and Eve both wanted to be the ones to tell them what happened. They couldn__'t __bear __the __thought __of __their __sons __finding __out __about __the __tragedy __from the news or rumours around school. It would be hard to even begin to try and explain what had happened, never mind explaining how Lindsay was. How would they explain Lindsay__'s __state__? S__arah __had __rounded __up __the __boys __and __explained __that __there __had __been __an __incident __in __the __diner __with__ L__indsay __and __her __friends__. After talking to James they agreed what to say to the boys. So she told them that Lindsay was alive and being checked at the hospital, but it would be some time before they returned home. James had promised to keep them updated until the point where they were leaving the hospital. S__o they all waited together, sometimes in silence, sometimes in anger or endless chatter, suggesting every scenario they could possibly think of. They waited together for news of their sister and friend. Without warning the phone rang, breaking the silence that had filled the room. All four of them turned and started at the phone before it occurred to them to pick it up. Sarah made her way gingerly over to the phone and all the boys heard was __"__H__ello__... H__ow __long__?.. OK__"_

_Sarah turned to face the three Monroe brothers and took a deep breath before speaking. __"__T__hey're __on __the __way __back __and __should __be __about __30 __minutes__. Y__our __sister __is __distraught__.__"__ S__he __paused __trying __to __get __her __own __head __around __wh__at James had just told her. __"__S__he __is__ OK __physically __though__. J__ames __and __or __mum __and __dad __will __explain __more __when __they __get __here__.__"_

_The four of them stood trying to digest what little information they had in silence. Peter was the first to speak._

"_M__aybe __we __should __make __them all something to eat and drink?__"__His voice was full of concern and worry, and all he wanted was his mum, dad and sister to walk through the door. Now. Not in thirty minutes time. Had it really only been two minutes since the phone call?_

"_W__ell__, __mayb__e not food, I mean we should wait until they get here and they can choose what they would like to eat.__" __suggested__ S__arah__. S__he __may __not __have __known exactly __what __had __happened__, __but __she __did __hear __the __overwhelming __anger__, __worry __and __fear __in__ J__ames's __voice __when __he __rang__. S__he __kn__ew food was unlikely to be an issue for any of the adults and Lindsay when they arrived at the house. _

_Jake spoke next, __"__O__k __let's __make __some __coffee__, __do __the __dishes __and __tidy __up __before __they __come__? A__t __least __it __will __help __the __time __pass __a __lot __quicker __than __it __is__.__"_

"_Y__eah__. T__hat __sounds __good__. I__'m __going __to __get __a __duvet __for__ L__indsay __so __she __can __curl __up __on __the __sofa__.__"__ S__aid__ T__ony__, __almost __at __the __stairs __before __he __finished __speaking__. _

"_W__hat __happens __if __she __wants __to __go __to __bed__?__"_

"_I__'ll __take __the __duvet __back __upstairs __again__. Y__ou __might __b__e the oldest but Peter, sometimes you are so stupid,__"__ c__ame __the __muffled __reply__, __as__ T__ony __appeared __at __the __bottom __of __the __stairs __carrying __the __duvet __over __his __head__._

"_Seriously, I__'m __stupid__? W__hat __are __you __trying __to __do__? I__mpersonate __a __ghost__? B__ro __you __did __that __when __you __were five and you sucked at it then.__"_

_The tension and worry that had enveloped the home since they returned there suddenly lifted, even if it was to be for the briefest of time. All four of them somehow knew they needed this brief respite because somehow they all knew it wasn__'t __going __to __be __good __once __the __rest __of __the __family __arrived __at __the __house__. __The three brothers worked together to make sure everything they could think of was available for their parents and sister, chattering among themselves as they worked. The busyness stopped abruptly as they heard a car pull up outside the house. The brothers looked at Sarah, silently asking for permission to go to the door, but she slowly shook her head. _

"_L__et __them __come __in __their __own __time__,__" __she __spoke __gently __yet __firmly __to __th__e boys, who all nodded, albeit reluctantly, in agreement and understanding, even though all they wanted to do was rush up to the front door, like a toddler waiting for the return of a parent from work. So they stood in the large kitchen. Waiting. As they heard the door handle turn they all turned to face the direction of the door, and without realising it, all four of them held their breath. _

_James was the first through the door. __"__H__ey __guys__. W__e __need __a __bucket __of __water __and __cloths__. L__inds __was __sick __in __the __car__.__"_

"_D__ad__..oh, James.__" __"__H__ow's__ L__ind__s?__" __"__W__here's __mum, dad __and__ L__inds__?__"__ The __three__ brothers __all __started __talking __at __the __same __time__. S__arah __meanwhile __quietly __collected __the __things__ James __had __asked __for__, __knowing __this __was __all __a __distraction __to __try __and __delay __the __inevitable __conversation__. _

"_U__m__...__well__... L__inds __is __in the car, with your parents. We just need to clean up first__" __he __said__, __stumbling __over __his __words __as __the __emotion __of __the __day __suddenly __and __unexpectedly __caught __up __with__ him. _

_S__arah __approached __with __the __necessary __items __to __clean __out __the __car __and__ James led the way back out to the car, where D__ave __tried __to __take __them __from__ her hands. _

"_N__o__ D__ave__. Y__ou __need __to __do __this __now__. Your boys need you, like Lindsay and Eve do too. You all need each other. Y__ou __and__ E__ve __have __the __strength __within __you__. J__ames __and__ I __will __sort __the __car __out__. Y__ou __talk __as __a __family __and __we'll __take __it __from __there__." J__ust __like __that __she__ went over to assess the damage and the best way to clean up. Dave relented and __lifted Lindsay out of the back seat, who had finally fallen into some kind of slumber. Sarah put the bucket of water on the ground and walked up to Eve putting her arms round her, automatically bestowing upon the same words and actions of comfort that Eve had given her daughter several hours previous. Sarah could feel the warm tears dropping on her shoulder and she went to end the hug, lifting Eve__'s __head__ u__p __so __she __could __look __her __in __the __eyes__._

"_G__o change. Then talk __to __your __boys__, __they __are __waiting __and __worrying__. D__on't __wor__ry about the car. OK? I__'ll __come __and __see __you __before __we __go__.__"_

_Panic hit Eve and she grabbed at Sarah__'s __hands__. __"__P__lease__. D__on't __go__. N__ot __today__. W__e__... I... P__lease__, __stay__?__"_

_Still holding Eve__'s __hands__, S__arah __nodded __the __affirmative__, __kissed __her __on __the __cheek __in __a __plat__onic gesture of love and gently turned Eve to the direction of the door. _

_Eve started to walk to the door and just before she entered the house she stopped and turned towards her lifelong friend, overwhelmed with sadness at the knowledge that Lindsay would never have this kind of friendship, and she whispered loudly, __"__T__hank __you__.__"_

"_Y__ou're __welcome"__, S__arah __replied__, __before __turning __her __attention __to__ James__' __car__._

_Dave had carried Lindsay into the lounge and laid her on the sofa, Eve following close behind with James. Tony jumped in, needing to do something, and laid the duvet over his sister, telling her how much he loved her, even when she was a pain. Somehow he knew she would need to know that, even though his parents had yet to speak. Jake and Peter too hurried over to Lindsay to check her for injury and, just like Tony, they both tell her how much she was loved. _

_James backed out of the room wordlessly, putting his hand on Dave__'s __arm __and __pointing __out __towards __the __car__. T__he __two __men __looked __at __each __other__, __understanding __without __speaking__. Then James l__eft the house as Eve entered, walking over to her husband and grabbing his hand, holding on as if her own life depended on it. _

"_L__et's __go __to __the __kitchen" __said__ E__ve__, __before __leading __her __husband __and __sons __out __of __the __room__, __with __no __room __for __them __to __argue__. _

_The five members of the Monroe household sat down at the kitchen table. It was much smaller than the dining table, but right now they need to be close and altogether, so they could touch and reassure each other that they were sat together. They all looked at each other as Dave and Eve fought their own internal battles about what to say, who should say it and building up the courage to tell their sons what their sister had been through. Dave broke the silence, clearing his throat before speaking._

"_G__uys__, __as __you __um__... know there was an __'incident' __earlier __and__ L__indsay __and __her __friends __were __involved __in __it__. Y__es__?__"_

_The three boys nodded their heads slowly, looking at each other, their mum and dad in confusion and concern. They saw their sister, she looked OK, so what was the news? What could have happened that was so bad?_

_Eve saw the looks of confusion on her sons faces and in turn picked up and held their hands, soothingly rubbing the backs of them. __"__B__oys__, __we __need __to __tell __you __what __happened__. I__t's __going __to __be __hard __to __hear__, __but can you please let us finish before asking questions? We know you will want to ask questions but let us finish first, then we will talk. Is that OK?__"_

_They nodded again, the worry growing within them and the room. _

_Dave continued the story. __"You know __L__indsay __a__nd the girls were at the __d__iner __after __dinner__. __From what we understand Lindsay got up to go to the bathroom,__"__ D__ave __paused __putting __his __hand __up __to __halt __the __inevitable __questions __his __sons __needed __to __ask __him__. __"__I__t __will __become __clearer __boys__, why no one knows exactly what happened, OK? Let me continue.__"__ D__ave __stopped __suddenly__, __a __lump __forming __in __his __throat __and __tears __in __his __eyes__. E__ve __grasped __his __hand and took over the narration._

"_W__hilst__ L__indsay __was__ in the bathroom, a man entered the diner. He shot the girls. And Sarah the waitress. Lindsay was brave and stayed in the bathroom waiting for him to leave. She saw...__"__ I__t __was __Eve__'s__ turn to falter, and the tears started flowing down her cheeks as she finally allowed herself to believe what Lindsay had been through. _

"_Y__our __sister __saw __the __girls __and__ S__arah __on __the __floor __of __the __diner__. D__ead__. A__ll __of them.__"__ D__ave __stopped __and __allowed __his __words __to __be __taken __in __by __his __sons__. __One by one their faces fell, as they understood what their parents had just told them. Peter, Tony and Jake sat looking at their parents in turn waiting got hear the rest of the story. Eve took a deep breath and carried on. Tears started falling slowly down each of the family members cheeks. Just a few tears, of relief, fear, anger, concern but mostly love. _

"_L__indsay __was__, __well__, __she __was __distressed __and __covered __in __blood__. I__t __was __terrifying __seeing __her __like __that__,__" __the __boys __started __to __panic at this piece of information so Dave interrupted Eve__'s __narration__._

"_D__on't __worry __boys__. L__indsay __wasn't __hurt__. N__ot__, __not __physically__. S__he __had __blood __on __her __from__...__"_

"_F__rom __her __friends__. S__he __tried __to __wake __them __up__. W__hen __she __was __in __the __diner__.__"_

"_B__ut __a __doctor __ha__s checked her out and mum helped her get clean before we left the hospital, so we know Lindsay doesn__'t __have __any __cuts __or __injuries__.__"_

_Tony, Peter and Jake all breathed a collective sigh of relief and a group sniff, which resulted in their dad throwing a box of tissues at them. They each wiped their eyes and blew their noses before anything else happened. Peter then looked at his parents and watched their non-verbal conversation across the table. __"__T__here's __more __to __this__? I__sn't __there__?__"_

_Eve and Dave squeezed each other__'s __hands__, __almost __wishing __they __could __do __'rock__, __paper__, __scissors' __to __see __who __would __share __the __next __bit __of __information__. A__s __tempting __as __it __was __to __end __this __talk __here and now the Monroe's believed in honesty and openness in their family. Plus if they didn__'t __tell __them __now__, __they __would __have __to __find __out __later__. F__inding __out __from __their __parents __meant __they __could __be __prepared __and __informed __about __the __long__, __rocky__, __winding __road __th__at lay ahead before them. Because everyone would know this wasn__'t __going __to __be __just__ L__indsay's __cross __to __bear__. T__his __was __going __to __affect __each __and __every __one __of __them__. _

_Dave spoke first breaking the uneasy silence. __"__L__indsay __has __totally __escaped __unscathed__. S__he __is__,__ I don__'t __know __how __to __even __start__. I __mean __how __do __you __feel __seeing __your __best __friends __like __that__? A__nd __who __knows __if __she __saw __the __killer __or __if __he __has __seen __her __since__? __But your sister is, she__'s __a __wreck__. T__hat's __the __easiest __and __simplest __way __to __put __it__. A __wreck__.__"__ W__ith __th__is admission the tears started rolling down Dave__'s __face again__, __gaining __more __speed __as __the __new __tears __formed __and __fell__._

"_L__indsay __feels __guilty__. G__uilty __for __surviving__, __for __not __being __able __to __save __her __friends__. T__he __doctor __said __she __will __probably __have __nightmares" __and __with __those words the conversation ended as a high pitched, ear piercing scream was heard from the lounge. _

_All five members of the Monroe family ran to the lounge. Even James and Sarah who were both still outside trying to clean the car stopped what they were doing and looked up towards the house. __"__D__o __you __think __we __should __go __in__?__"__asked__ S__arah __uncertain __about __what __to __do __for __the __benefit __of __the __family__. _

"_N__o__. L__indsay's __probably __reliving __it__. I __don't __think __she __needs __anymore __people __round __her __at __the __moment,"__ r__eplied__ J__am__es, hoping he was making the right decision. He had worked many crime scenes over the years. He had seen the destruction and devastation that violent crimes created, but never this close up and personal. All he wanted to do was go back in time and drive the girls somewhere else. Instead, all he could do was stand and listen as Lindsay__'s __screams __got __louder __and __louder__, __until they suddenly stopped. He guessed Eve was calming her down and turned to face Sarah. _

"_L__et's __finish __up __here __and __we'll __go __inside__. D__id__ you bring our overnight bags?__"_

"_T__hey're __in __the __guest__room__. OK. __Let__'s __finish__ this job and get some food and drinks sorted. Then, I guess we__'ll __wait __to __see __what __happens __next__.__"__ S__arah __paused __before __asking __the __question__. __"__So James, when do you have to go back into work?__"_

"_I__deally __as __soon __as __possible__. B__ut__ I__'ll __wait __to __see __how__ E__ve __and__ D__ave __are __first__. U__nless__ I __get __a __call __from__ M__ark __or __the __lab __of __course__.__"__ J__ames __wanted__, __almost __needed __to __be __back __at __the __lab__, __but __his __old __friend __had __asked __if __he __could __stay __a __while__. __"__I __th__ink once we__'ve __had __a __chance __to __speak __to__ E__ve __and__ D__ave __and __fill __them __in __with __the __little __information __we __have__, __then__ I__'ll __go __back __to __the __lab__. M__ichael __said __there __is __enough __evidence __to __keep __the __lab __busy __for __several __weeks__. I __guess __that's __not __surprising __considering__ the state of scene and that it is or was a public place and...__" __his __voice __trailed __off __as __he __was __filled __with __guilt __at __not __being __at __the __lab __trying __to __find __the __evil __bastard__. _

"_J__ames__,__" __said__ S__arah__, __placing __her __hand __reassuringly __on __his __arm__. __"__Y__ou __are __doing __somethin__g. You are supporting your friends. They need you more at this moment and you know your team will be working throughout the night trying to find him. Why don__'t __you __go phone the lab for an update, I__'ll __finish __here __and __then __we'll __go __in __together __and __you __can __f__ill Eve and Dave with the progress so far. Once you__'ve __done __that__, __go __back __and __find __him__. I __know __you __won't __stop __until __he's __in __custody__. I __will __stay __here __with __the __family __and __help __them __out __as __needed__. D__oes __that __sound __ok __to __you__?__" __she __smiled __at__ J__ames__, __trying __to __re__assure herself as much as James. _

"_Y__eah__. T__hat __sounds __like __a __plan__.__"__ J__ames __kissed __his __wife __tenderly __and__ he __walked __off __phone __in __hand__. _

**As always a huge thanks and **_***hugs***_**for Brina. Thank you girly for keeping me sane ;)**


	18. Chapter 18

_**Thank you to everyone who read & reviewed the last chapter. The reviews always make my day! **_

_**I still own nothing! **_

_As soon as they heard Lindsay start screaming the whole family had ran into the lounge. Eve took Lindsay straight into her arms sitting behind her and holding her tight, stroking Lindsay__'s __hair__, __calming __her __with words of reassurance and love. Dave knelt beside Lindsay taking on of her left hand in his fingers automatically finding her calluses again. But her brothers stopped short at the door. Peter, Tony and Jake stood, mouths open in shock at the sight before them. They were Lindsay__'s __older __brothers. They were supposed to protect her. They had seen her happy, sad, dressed up and dressed down, running and playing with them full of bravado and strength. Even when she broke her arm in two places after falling out of a tree Lindsay refused help and assistance from anyone, unless she asked for it. She had no problems threatening to hit anyone who dared offer help over the head with her cast. Tony should know, he still had a bump on his head after he was on the wrong end of his sister's wrath and arm cast. Yet here she was before them, broken. Broken into little pieces and as they looked at her, each of their hearts broke for her too. Tears fell and guilt filled them. _

_Peter was the first to move. He strode across the room with determination to his baby sister. He needed to tell her he loved her. He needed to say sorry. He needed to touch her, to know she really was there and they hadn__'t __lost __each other.__ I__t __seemed __so __surreal __and __unbelievable, but his baby sister needed him. Lindsay needed them and if there was one thing the Monroe's excelled at was being a tight, united family who loved each other unconditionally. They had moments of love and hate, of aggravation and pride and he knew they would get through it. They had to do it together because there was no other way. _

_Peter leant between his parents. He rested his palm on her cheek and whispered in her ear, just loud enough for only Lindsay to hear, as if they were in a conspiracy together, which they had been on many occasions in their past. __"__B__aby __si__ster. I love you. You__'re __not __alone __and__ I__'m __sorry __we __couldn't __protect __you__. B__ut __we __will __now__. H__onest__. I__t __will __be __hard __but __you're __not __alone__. E__ver__. I __love __you__.__"_

_For the first time since the family entered the room, Lindsay moved to look at Peter. She reached out with her right hand, the one her dad wasn__'t __holding __and __touched__ P__eter's __cheek__. S__he __didn't __speak__. S__he __couldn't __speak__. B__ut __she __told __him __'thank __you' __in __the __only __way __she __could__. A__nd__ P__eter __allowed__ ye__t more __tears __he __had __been__ trying to __hold __in __to __slip __down __his __che__ek. _

_Once Peter moved, both Jake and Tony walked forward, taking their cues from Peter. Peter stepped back allowing Tony to move forward. He copied his brother, placing his hand on Lindsay__'s __cheek __and __whispering __to __her__. __"__You__'re __not __alone __Shorty__. Y__ou__ need to scream, scream. You need to shout, shout. You need a hug, let me know so I can have a shot first for a change, you know, instead of Jake .__"__ H__e __moved __back __to __watch __her __expression__. L__indsay __didn't __smile __but __he __saw __her __eyes __light __up__, __for __the __briefest __of __moments__. T__hat __was __what __she __needed__. S__he __needed to know she was still their sister. To know that there was nothing wrong with her. Tony was always the one who could make her laugh when she was down, who could make her feel better when she was ill. Even Jake wasn't always successful at that. But Tony wasn__'t __going __to __let __her __down __now__, __whe__n she needed him most. __"__I __love __you __trouble__.__"__ A__nd __he __placed __a __kiss __timidly __on __her __cheek__, __before __moving __so__ J__ake __could __see __and __speak __to __her__. _

_Jake and Lindsay were so similar in personality. Their parents had always said they could be twins, if there wasn__'t __a three years age gap between them. They knew what to say to people and when to say it. They were so intuitive knowing how each other were feeling without saying a word. They were often found working together side by side, usually accompanied by their co-conspirator 'Trouble'. Jake always joked that she was a leech, glued to his side, but if he was honest, he loved it. So many of his friends hated their siblings and fought with them. He couldn__'t __imagine __how __hard __that __must __have __been__. B__ut __their __family __was __different __and __in__ J__ake's __eyes __better__. W__hy __wouldn't __you __want __to __know __and __love __your __sist__er? The entertainment value alone was priceless and endless, but so was the knowledge that there was always a scapegoat (well occasionally a scapegoat because somehow his mum always knew when it wasn't Lindsay) and someone who always had your back. Lindsay had gotten herself into more than a few scrapes __'saving __her __brothers __good __names' __as __she __liked __to __put __it__. J__ake __always __thought __it __was __just __Lindsay trying to be __'one __of __the __boys' and an embarrassing pain in the butt__. But if he was honest, __he __loved __her __for __it__. E__ven __though __most __of __the __time __he __denied __it__ - __especially __in __public __or __at __least __in __front __of __his __friends__. A__s __he __stood __before __her __he __didn't __know __what __to__ d__o__. H__e __didn't __know __what __to __say. __It __took all his strength not to run out of the room. What do you say or do to make your baby sister feel better after something like this? He couldn__'t __go __beat __up __the __guy __who __did __this__. H__e __couldn't __take __away __her __pain __and __words __escaped __him__. _

_Jake moved closer to Lindsay, almost frozen still, aware that everyone was waiting for him to talk to her. Then quite unexpectedly he felt a small hand reach out for his and lightly pulled at his hand to get his attention. Jake bent down to his sister who spoke to him in a raspy voice, affected by all the crying and screaming she had done in the last few hours. It was so quiet it was almost inaudible. _

_"__I__t's__ OK.__"_

_W__ith __those __words__ J__ake __broke __down __and __took __hold __of__ L__indsay__, __telling __her __how __much __he __loved __her __and __how __devastated __he __was __at __what __happened__. P__eter and Tony who had been stood just behind their parents grabbed hold of their mum and dad and let out their tears. Their tears of grief, devastation, anger, frustration and loss. This is how James and Sarah found the family, holding onto each other so tightly, crying and comforting each other, when they returned into the house. _

_James reluctantly let the family know of his presence to the family by clearing his throat. __"__I__'m __sorry" __he __started__, __feeling __guilty __at __interrupting __the __family __unit__. __"__I__'ve __um__, I__'ve __just__... well, I'm...__"_

"_S__pit __it __out __man__!__" __barked__ D__ave__, __a __small __smile __crossing __his __face __as __he __watched __his __old __friend __try __to __work __out __what __to __say __next__. H__e __had __never __seen__ J__ames __so __stuck __for __words__, __and __it __seemed __the __right __thing __to __do __to__ diffuse some of the emotion in the air. Dave knew the emotion and stress in the family would be with them for a long time, but mocking his friend? Opportunities like this didn__'t __come __round __that __often __and __as __they __say__, __'you __shouldn't __look __a __gift __horse __in __the __mouth', no matter what situation you were in. _

"_S__eriously__ D__ave__, I__'m __t__rying to be respectful and you mock me?__"_

"_Y__ep__.__"_

"_Idiot.__"_

"_L__ook __who's __talking__.__"_

"_S__hut __up __and __let __me __talk__.__"_

"_I __didn't __stop __you__, __you __started __spluttering __like __a __girl__.__"_

"_I __did __not__.__"_

"_D__id__.__"_

"_N__ot__.__"_

"_N__ow __you're __both __arguing __like __girls,__" __l__aughed__ E__ve through her tears__, __enjo__ying the display of manly stupidity before her. Even Lindsay managed a small smile as she watched her dad__'s __face __turn __redder __and __redder, until it became the colour of a strawberry en route to the shade 'beetroot'__. _

"_H__ey__, __you're __blushing __like __a __girl __dad__!__" __added Tony__, __not __wanting __to __miss __out __on __this __'pick __on __two __grown __men' __moment__. _

"_S__o is__ J__ames__!__" __said__ P__eter__, __pointing __at__ J__ames__, __as __if __to __make __his __point__. _

"_S__hut __up!"__ g__rumbled __James good naturedly, before tensing up and standing straighter, knowing that he needed to steer the conversation to a more serious topic. _

"_S__o __what's __happening__?__"_

"_H__ow __is __the __investigation __going__?__"_

"_A__re __you __going __back __to __work?"_

_E__ve__, D__ave __and__ T__ony __all __spoke __at __the __same __time__, __wanting __to __ask __the __questions __that __everyone __wanted __and __needed __to __know __the __answers __to__. T__hen __quite __unexpectedly __came __a __small__, __quiet __voice __asking__,__perhaps, the most important and as yet unspoken question of all._

"_D__id __they __catch __him__?__"__ E__veryone __looked __at__ L__indsay __in __surprise__. T__hey __hadn't __expected __her __to __speak __nor __to __ask __'that' __question__. B__ut __it __didn't __mean __they __all __didn't __want __to __know __the __answer__. E__ve __held __onto__ L__indsay __tig__hter, afraid of Lindsay__'s __response __if __the __answer __was __no__. S__he __could__ already __feel __her __daughter __shaking __beneath __her __and __the __fear __permeating __from __every __cell __in __her __body__. __Automatically Eve started whispering words of comfort and love as they waited for James to speak again._

"_W__ell__, I__'ve __just __rung __the __office. There is a lot of evidence. It was a public place and the scene was,__" __he __paused__, __not __quite __sure __how __to __continue __this __conversation. He took a deep breath, regained his equilibrium and continued, __"the __scene __was__, __well__,__ it covered a large area. It may take days to work our way through all the evidence and information before we have more to tell you.__"_

_The Monroe's all know where this was leading to - a negative response to Lindsay__'s __question __about __the __suspect __still __being__ at large. Lindsay__'s __shaking __was __now visible to everyone, as the fear and panic within her increased. James watched her and the guilt, the pain building up in him. _

"_I__'m __sorry__ L__indsay__. W__e__... __we __haven't __caught __him __yet__.__"__ A__nd __with __that __a __wail __was __heard __lea__ving Lindsay__'s __mouth __as __she __took __in __what__ J__ames __had __just __told __her__. T__he __tears __started __flowing __more __freely __again __and __both__ E__ve __and__ D__ave __had __to __hold __on __tightly __to__ L__indsay __to __stop __her __getting __up__. T__hey __feared __her __running__, __and __running__, __and __running __and __losing her. Lindsay often ran and found hiding spots on the ranch when she was mad or needed to clear her head. The problem was this time they honestly weren't sure if she would be able to come back if she left the house. Holding tightly onto her was essential for Lindsay and her parents, so they all knew they were in this together. Suddenly a thought hit Tony like a bomb going off in his head._

"_O__h__ G__od__. I__f __he's __still __free__, __will __he__... __will __he __come __looking __for__ L__inds__? H__ow can we keep her safe?__"__ T__ony's __voice __wavered __as __he __voiced __his __concerns__. _

_Fortunately Lindsay was in her own world again, trapped by a now paralysing pain. She didn__'t __appear __to __have __heard __her __brother's __question__, __which__ J__ames __breathed __a __sigh __of __re__lief over. _

"_W__e're __sending __a __patrol __car __over __to __stay __outside __the __house__. D__on't __argue__. M__ark __is __organising __it __now __and __this __is __non__-__negotiable__.__"_

_Dave nodded his head in agreement before turning his attention back to his daughter, whose tears and sobs hadn__'t __stopped or slowed down yet. _

"_S__arah __will __stay __with __you__, __for __as __long __as __you __need__. I__'ve __got __to __get __back __to __the __lab __but__ I__'ll __return __later __to __let __you __know __how __things __are __going__.__"__ J__ames __looked __back __at__ L__indsay __and __dread __gripped __his __heart __as __he __said __the __next words. __"__A__t __some __point__, __ideally __sooner __rather __than __later__, __we __need __to __talk __to__ L__indsay__. W__e __need __her __to __tell __us __what __she __knows__, __what __she __saw__, __to __help __us __catch __'him'__.__"__ T__he __disgust __as__ J__ames __said __'him' __was __picked __up __by __everyone__, __except__ L__indsay__ still __lost__ alone __in __h__er world. _

_Lindsay had guessed earlier that the police would need to speak to her, but at this moment in time it was too painful. She couldn__'t __speak __and __say __what __she __saw__, __what __she __knew__, __or __describe __the __killer's __eyes__, __the __blood__, __her __friends__. S__he __couldn't __s__ay it because if she did it would be real. It would have really happened. If she kept it in then maybe, just maybe if she slept and woke she would find it was a dream or more accurately a nightmare? She knew in her heart it wasn__'t__, __but __there __was __a __tiny __bit __of__ wishful thinking __that __it __w__asn__'t __real__. _

_The silence was interrupted as a car could be heard pulling up outside the house. James stepped outside to see who it was and, if necessary, check their id__'s__. T__here __was __no __way __he __would __risk __his __friends __further __by __not __having __the __best __of __the __best guarding their backs. As he made his was down the steps outside the front door, the two cops got out of the car. James offered them a small smile and walked up to them, shaking their hands. _

"_I __take __it __M__ark __filled __you __in__?__"__ Mark had filled the two cops in on everything. What had happened, the aftermath, who was in the house, and, of course, their duties. _

_Both the policemen nodded the affirmative. Dawid Ostrowski and Brent Hepworth were both dedicated to their jobs. They were long-serving cops, widely respected in the force and most importantly, they were trusted and respected by Mark, James and by the investigation unit. James breathed a sigh of relief knowing the Monroe's would be in good hands for the next twelve hours. James made a mental note to speak to Mark to find another unit to come out tonight and maybe for the next few days. _

"_We need you to protect Lindsay, the girl who was there in the diner, just in case he, well, you know..." James hesitated not wanting to finish his sentence with 'finish her off', 'kill her' or anything else like that. It was just wrong to think or say anything like that about his friend's daughter. Just plain wrong. Fortunately David and Brent had understood his meaning fully and indicated this to James by nodding in the affirmative. _

"_T__hanks __for __doing __this__. W__e __don't __know __who __did __the __shooting __yet__. B__ut __he __was __armed __and __is __dangerous__. I__f __you __see __so__meone you think may be him, take no chances. Death is too good for this bastard, but if you need to, well, take him out.__"_

"_W__e're __ready __and __armed__. D__on't __worry __sir; __we're __going __no__-__where__.__"_

"_I__f __you __need __us __tomorrow__, __the__ day __after or for night duty,__we're __here__.__" Both David and Brent were family men and although this duty meant being away from their own family for longer than they both liked, if it meant keeping a young girl safe, a girl who was only a year younger than one of Brent's children, then it had to be done. They would do their duty for the family, for their job, for their families and all those other families in and around Bozeman who deserved to be kept safe. _

"_T__hank __you__. I__'m __going __to__ let them know I__'m __off__. I__f __you __need __me__, I__'ll __be __at __the __lab__.__"__ J__ames __turned __to __make __his __way __back __into __the __house __and __let __the __family __know __he __was __leaving__. "Oh, you'd better come with me so I can introduce you to the family. I would prefer they knew who was sitting outside their home. Plus stop calling me sir. Makes me feel ancient." James paused a small smile gracing his face. Revenge was sweet. "Do feel free to call Dave, Mr Monroe 'sir' though. He might say to call him by his Christian name but he prefers the respectfulness of 'sir." The two cops nodded before the three of them went into the ranch house and James indicated for them to stay back whilst he looked into the lounge. Lindsay was finally calmer again and appeared to be falling asleep. James couldn't help but notice that even in sleep she looked distressed and troubled. Not that he blamed her. 'Who wouldn't be after something so vicious as this?' James thought ruefully. He got the attention of the family then indicated for the two cops, who had waited patiently and quietly by the front door, to come to meet the Monroe's. _

"_Brent, David, these are the Monroe's."_

_Dave stood up and made his way over to the two cops to shake their hands and introduce himself. "Hi, I'm Dave. Thank you so much for doing this. You have no idea how much we appreciate it and maybe, just maybe we will all be able to get a little sleep soon."_

"_Dave, you don't need to ramble honey," interrupted Eve gently. She could see her husband was nervous, worried, exhausted. They all were. Maybe Dave was right. Maybe they would all be able to get some sleep soon. Lord knows they all were in desperate need of some rest, although how good a rest it would be was to be seen. "Hi, I'm Eve. I'm sorry I can't come over there..."_

"_Please ma'am, sir, don't apologise. James has filled us in on what has happened and what we need to do. We will be outside and we are fully armed. We won't be leaving your property until someone takes over tonight. Oh, I'm sorry, I should have introduced myself, I'm __Dawid Ostrowski and this is Brent Hepworth__" _

"_Ostrowski? Is that Polish in origin?" asked Dave curious as always._

"_Yes, my parents emigrated here after the war."_

_Brent now spoke too. "We are both family men too. We understand the desire to keep your family safe and we intend keeping you safe during the day for however long we are needed here."_

"_Oh gosh!" said Eve with a start. "What will you do about food and the bathroom? I mean if you are out here all day you can't not eat and drink and..."_

"_Eve, don't worry about that. I'm staying with you so I will be sorting out meals and drinks for the police but also for you guys, so stop worrying now." Sarah had just entered the lounge and was gentle yet firm with her words. Eve was always wanting people to feel welcome and at home whenever they were out in the ranch. If she was honest the thought of cooking for her own family was too much, let alone the cops, and she couldn't hold in the sigh of relief she felt when Sarah said she was taking over. It meant that she could be with her daughter all the time, which she had a feeling would be pretty much every minute of every day for the foreseeable future. _

_James took over. "OK guys, I hate to do this but I need to get back to the lab now. I shall be in touch in a few hours, depending upon what happens. If you need anything just call. That goes for you Dave, Eve, even you boys," he said, indicating Peter, Jake and Tony. "You need anything just call. Even if it is shopping or other necessities. I possibly won't get stuff myself, we all know how useless I am with shopping!" Everyone in the room let out a laugh. Even the two cops who had heard of the time James tried to buy some shopping when his wife was ill. She had suggested buying some ready meals. Unfortunately for Sarah it hadn't occurred to her in her ill health, that for James ready meals meant anything prepared by Sarah and not a meal you threw in the microwave to heat up so you didn't have to actually cook. So instead of buying readymade macaroni and cheese he tried to work out the ingredients that were required and managed to get virtually nothing useable and was then cursed out by his very sick wife when he returned home. His name was mud at home for days and Mark saw fit to let this story do the rounds around the station. 'Who needed friends when you had Mark as a friend' James would grumble. So now whenever he was asked to pick something up from the shops, maybe once or twice a year, Sarah would bypass her husband altogether and ring the secretary and ask her if she would be able to go out of her way and buy what was needed. Julie, the secretary liked Sarah and her boss, but her boss in a bad mood for being a raving idiot and his wife relegating him to the sofa for an undisclosed length of time was best avoided if at all possible. So for everyone's benefit she helped out Sarah in emergencies. James figured that today would class as one of those emergencies. _

_Eve suddenly remembered that was almost out of milk and other essentials. "James, do you mind if I do a list of things we need now? I'm sorry to ask but I was due to go shopping today, and I obviously can't leave Lindsay, you know, whilst she's like, well, you know after what happened, but we really do need some stuff and if it is too much of an inconvenience then that's ok I can try to get out later and..."_

_Sarah walked over to her friend and put her arms round her. "James is going to start driving back to the lab now so he can help them with the evidence. You and I are going to have something to eat and drink, along with everyone else of course. Then we will sit down and write a list together and we can make sure you don't forget anything. Once it's done I will ring Julie to see if she can get it for us. OK?"_

_Eve tried to work out what Sarah was saying but suddenly she found her mind going foggy with exhaustion. So she just agreed, hoping it was the right answer. "OK."_

"_Right guys, I will come back out later. Probably not till sometime after six or seven but I will be in touch." Dave went to shake his friend's hand, only to be pulled into a hug by James. "Don't worry Dave, we're not going to rest until he's behind bars. OK?"_

_Dave couldn't speak as a few more tears spilled out of his eyes and so he just nodded. "OK. You go look after your family and get some sleep now. I'll go see what's what."_

_The two men separated. James walked over to Eve and kissed her on the cheek, before shaking hands and briefly hugging each of the three male Monroe children. He looked down at Lindsay who was sleeping. Not an entirely restful sleep judging by her non-stop wriggling and the grimace that was on her face. "We're going to get him kid," __he whispered before turning and grabbing his wife's hand on the way out._

"_Brent. David." He nodded at the two cops. "You need backup call. Someone will be here ASAP. OK?"_

"_Yes sir," they both replied before asking Dave to show them round the property to help them get their bearings and work out how best to monitor the house and nearby buildings. The three men left via the front door as Dave started explaining everything they needed to know. _

_James took Sarah outside to the car. Before getting in he spoke to her. __"__L__ook __after__ our friends and __the __cops__. P__lease __honey__?__"_

_Sarah could hear James voice starting to break with emotion and exhaustion. She stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek. __"__I__'ll __make __sure __everyone __is__ OK. W__ell__, __physically __anyway__.__"_

_She gave her husband a small smile, and was rewarded by him placing his hands on her cheeks and gave her a kiss. __"__T__hank__you__.__"_

_And with that he turned to say goodbye to the Monroe's. As he left the house again he gave a small wave to Sarah, a nod to the two cops and he drove, foot to the floor on the accelerator pedal and he tried to get the rage to leave his body. _

* * *

_The days merged into one after the shooting. The first few days Eve had spent almost glued to Lindsay__'s __side__. L__indsay __found __it __so __hard __to __be __alone__, __the __fear __of __the __shooter __still __being __at __large__. Even when she was in a less than restful sleep Lindsay knew when her mother was leaving the room and would wake in a panic calling for her. S__he would __cling __on to __her __mother's __hand __as __if __it __were __her __on__ly lifeline, fighting for breath, trying to stop herself falling under the water, or rather blood as it often was in her dreams, and drowning. The only time Eve was able to leave Lindsay__'s __side __was __when __she __fell __into __a very __deep __slumber__. E__ven __then __it __would __only __be __for __a __few __minutes __as__ L__indsay's __sleep __was __fre__quently disturbed by nightmares, reliving the shooting over and over and over, each scenario slightly different and ending in Lindsay staring into the eyes of the killer. The sound of the gun being fired was the time when Lindsay would awake with a start. Sometime it would be screams, sometimes the fear would leave Lindsay paralysed in her bed or on the sofa in the lounge on the few times she left her room. The sweat would be dripping off Lindsay all over her body she would sit shaking until her mum__'s __gentl__e words and touch would calm her down and bring her back round to reality. Sometimes it took a few minutes to calm her daughter down, but other days would have Eve trying for an hour or more. It was hard, draining, but she never wavered in her need to comfort and relax her daughter. _

_It was hard for Lindsay, but it was also hard for the family to see her so fragile and broken. Lindsay had been fearless and __'one __of __the __boys' __since__ before __she __could __walk __and __talk__. S__he __h__ad helped her dad in the ranch, been in more trouble than she would ever admit to, as well as participating in some activities that she would never tell her parents or her pastor, and she had been the baby of the family. Lindsay was loved and nurtured by her parents and her brothers, but never spoilt. Now she was nothing like the carefree teenager she had been. For the most part Lindsay was unaware of her father or brothers. They tried to get through to her but she had locked herself away in an impenetrable room, access only allowed when she was feeling stronger - which was, sadly, hardly any of the time. Her brothers had spent many an hour talking about Lindsay and what had happened to her. They tried to come up with tactics to help __'cheer __her __up'__, __even __though __the__y were fully aware that she wouldn__'t __get __over __this __any time __soon__. T__hey __made __up __stories; __found __the __old __family __photos __that __should __never __be __seen __in __the __light __of __day__, __except __under __the __influence __of __large __quantities __of __alcohol; __they __remembered __and __reminisced __abou__t all the times each of them had gotten into trouble; they found old films and programmes that they were fairly sure had been made only to make fun at due to their lack of storylines or taste; they sat with her, well, they sat in the same room. How near depended upon how safe Lindsay felt that particular day. They were her brothers. And they loved her. _

_And they missed her. _

_As Lindsay withdrew more and more each day, there were times when even her mother__'s __arms and words didn__'t __reach __her__. I__t __was __as __though __she __was __surrounded __by __the ivory tower her dad had threatened her with when she first mentioned a liking for the opposite sex - and not in a __'__friend__' __way__. H__ad__ L__indsay __been __out __with __her __friends__,__ talking about boys and dates and when they would hold hands and kiss them, building a tower would have been perfect. That way her dad and brothers would have made sure that the only genuine and __'nice'__ boy to get through would be her future husband __–__ if they decided they would ever be happy for her to get married. The problem was the invisible tower Lindsay had built up around herself was even more impenetrable t__han the one they were ready to construct. The only entrance and exit was invisible to the naked eye and only Lindsay could work it. In the meantime the only thing her family could do was sit and watch as she spent each day sleeping, reacting to the nightmares or staring into space, tears falling down her face, as she remembered that her friends were never going to call her or stay over in her room, or be there when she returned to school. For the first time in her life Lindsay felt alone. She was empty and had no hope for the future, not that she could see that far ahead. She could barely see the next minute, let alone the next day, week, month or even year. They didn't exist in Lindsay's mind. _

_The shooting had happened at the beginning of the summer holidays. Normally the summer was a carefree time. Much of it spent outdoors, basking in the nature of Montana. On and near the ranch there were many great places to play or hide or jump and explore. Sadly in the Monroe house this year there was still an air of worry and danger knowing the killer had yet to be caught. James had kept the family up to date with the investigation and told them fairly regularly that they had yet to identify the shooter. As time went on they could only presume that the shooter had long moved on from Bozeman and that Lindsay wasn__'t __in __immediate __danger anymore__. The police presence that had been there for the first few days after the shooting had left, leaving the family feeling vulnerable and open to attack, but with time they all settled into some sort of normality whilst maintaining vigilence whilst out and about on the lands. __It didn__'t __reassure __the __family __though__, well, not that first year, although after the first anniversary of the shooting they started to believe the shooter had left the area. _

_On that first anniversary __James reassured them that they wouldn__'t __stop __working __to __find __the __killer__- ever, but it meant and looked like there would always be a black cloud hanging over the family and especially Lindsay. _

_**And as always, thank you Brina for nagging me for quite a while to get writing and posting again! And for reading the edited versions time and time again! I might just get some more new stuff written for you, sometime this year! *running hugs girly***_


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